# Letting Go. (My Story)



## Hero12 (Mar 24, 2010)

Hi everyone, my name is Jared.

I have suffered from derealization/depersonalization for close to 10 months. I would say that I am around 50-55% recovered.. could honestly be a little more than that. Anyway, I've been wanting to post on this forum for the past three months, but I kept putting off for some reason or another. I believe telling my story on here will really help me with my recovery. I haven't told a soul about this personal hell I've experienced over the past months.. so getting it out here will help me permanently let go. I won't be on the forums too much longer after I post this though because I do think it's critical (in most cases) that you definitely should not dwell on dp/dr and just get on with your life - easier said than done right?

So my story begins in early October of 2009 (I don't really remember for sure.. lol sorry bad attempt at dp/dr humor







) where I had my first experience with dp/dr. I had already tried marijuana once before and had a giggly-hungry experience. We passed around a joint and took a few hits.. it was nice. Now my second experience with weed was something I will absolutely never forget. My friend took out a a huge black and mild size blunt, and I ended up taking like 10-12 hits.. Wow.. how dumb was that. I didn't really feel anything at first, but as I made my way back up to the house, out of the blue, it hit me like a freight train. I seriously felt like I was going insane. Every two or three seconds my mind would completely reset. Basically, I had a huge panic attack - first of my life as a matter of fact. My mind was racing hardcore.. but after two or three hours I was finally able to go to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling really out of it and fuzzy. I shrugged it off thinking it must be some after effect. A couple days go by and I still feel the same.. so I start browsing on the Internet. Luckily, I find out that it's normal to feel weird after you have a bad trip and so I carry on like nothing ever happened and that shitty feeling left the very next day. (Yes, it definitely was dp/dr)

I smoked weed a few times just in smaller amounts from October-December. Fast forward to December 16, 2009.

I had just finished my classes for the college semester, and I wanted to have a party. To make a long story short, I smoked a good bit of weed and was super high that night. I remember laughing and carrying on and everything was going so well up until I noticed my friend (who also smoked) was extremely pale and on the verge of passing out. That immediately threw me into panic mode. I literally remember thinking "Here we go again...". I got him something to drink and he started to feel better, but I was still panicking. So I was like well, I'll just go to sleep, and I'll feel better in the morning. Morning came, and of course, that weird fuzzy feeling was there. I didn't really think too much about it and a couple days go by, and I noticed the "feeling" was still there. I really don't know why I decided to, but I was like might as well look on the Internet to help with the weed hangover process. So I was scrolling through minding my own business when suddenly I saw the wonderful word .. ''''''Depersonalization'''''''... I remember vividly that word burning a whole through my heart.. and knew I was going to remember it. I clicked on the link.. read up about it.. and I diagnosed myself. Also, the next link I saw.. "I've had DP for four years.." scared the crap out of me. I immediately panicked and just couldn't even imagine being stuck in the state I was for the next four years. And so... the long.. dark.. cycle began. Obsessive research, irrational thinking, seclusion, scared to death.. the works. Even though I knew for a fact, this feeling I had was exactly what I felt after my first panic attack, After seeing I had this mysterious disorder called "dp/dr".. I just couldn't shake it.

I can truthfully say, if I would not have ever known the name for this 'disorder'.. the feeling probably would have went away shortly after. I know my situation definitely isn't like everyone's in this community though.

So here I am today... I've gone through many different stages over the past 10 months. I actually have had two brief recoveries during my time with dp/dr.. both were about 2-3 seconds long.. and buddy.. it was marvelous. First, I was just talking with a friend of mine, and boom it was gone temporarily. Second, I remember driving in my car and I had one of those clarity moments and I said out loud "Jared, this is your life.. and you've got to live it to your fulle.." I didn't even finish the last word.. my body was tingly and I was back to normal momentarily.. but it went away. I am 100% certain that if I change a few things in my lifestyle.. I will recover completely.

It's around 6am here and I haven't been to bed yet.. so I'll continue on with my post tomorrow night. I sincerely apologize if it's not laid out very well.. I just wanted to get my story off my chest and start a new chapter in my life. Talk with you all very soon!!

Please ask questions if you like!


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## chris89 (Sep 16, 2010)

same thing happened to me! i had a panic attack back a few months prior and i had this DR feeling, i didn't know about it at the time and it went after a few days. a few months after it happened again when i was smoking weed, i did some research and discovered Derealisation, i've had it about 2 months now and i agree i think it's down to the compulsive research that it hasn't gone. it was more intense this time round but i am convinced that it is due to the constant worrying of it.


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## Hero12 (Mar 24, 2010)

chris89 said:


> same thing happened to me! i had a panic attack back a few months prior and i had this DR feeling, i didn't know about it at the time and it went after a few days. a few months after it happened again when i was smoking weed, i did some research and discovered Derealisation, i've had it about 2 months now and i agree i think it's down to the compulsive research that it hasn't gone. it was more intense this time round but i am convinced that it is due to the constant worrying of it.


Yeah, it definitely is a vicious cycle. Now, I do want to stress to you though, especially since you've only had DR for about 2 months, you don't have to have live with this crap for as long as I have. My biggest problem that I've faced is 'completely' letting go. I'm getting so much better though. If you need some direction to threads that would benefit you, just let me know.

Yes, i do agree worrying will absolutely do no good at all.


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## Hero12 (Mar 24, 2010)

And also, I'm definitely never using marijuana again.


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## Moanymoore (Aug 15, 2010)

Hero12 said:


> Hi everyone, my name is Jared.
> 
> I have suffered from derealization/depersonalization for close to 10 months. I would say that I am around 50-55% recovered.. could honestly be a little more than that. Anyway, I've been wanting to post on this forum for the past three months, but I kept putting off for some reason or another. I believe telling my story on here will really help me with my recovery. I haven't told a soul about this personal hell I've experienced over the past months.. so getting it out here will help me permanently let go. I won't be on the forums too much longer after I post this though because I do think it's critical (in most cases) that you definitely should not dwell on dp/dr and just get on with your life - easier said than done right?
> 
> ...


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## Moanymoore (Aug 15, 2010)

i had basically exactly the same experience but id say i am about 80% now


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## Antihero (Oct 12, 2010)

Interesting!We have similar stories to share.
Check mine if you like:
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/23959-how-dp-got-me/


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