# Attraction



## reserve (Nov 3, 2006)

I was just curious to know what it feels like to be attracted to someone. It's been a long time since I've felt anything similar to this but I'm not sure what it is. Could just be a strong sense of freindship I suppose, but I dunno... it's weird. :? 
Any thoughts?


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## Guest (Jan 22, 2007)

Humm, good question? I?d say it?s a acing pain, as if you ?need? them? although that mite only be if you also have a low self esteem and need others to make you feel better? humm

I?m at the same point as well.


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## reserve (Nov 3, 2006)

Hmm.... It could be the low self esteem thing I guess...
It's not pain- it's just a fuzzy, teddy-bear, huggable feeling. I feel very comfortable in this person's company while I'm usually not comfortable with most people.

How are you getting on with it?


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## Guest (Jan 22, 2007)

Yes I can relate with what you say.

How am I getting on with it? I?m now back at the point of wondering whether I should slit my throat or not, but that?s to do with my life as whole.


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## reserve (Nov 3, 2006)

You definitely should not slit your throat!!! You'd make a mess on the floor!!! Blood stains are a pain in the ass to get off!


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## Guest (Jan 22, 2007)

I'd be sure to do it outside.


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## Catharsis (Jul 2, 2006)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Yes I can relate with what you say.
> 
> How am I getting on with it? I?m now back at the point of wondering whether I should slit my throat or not, but that?s to do with my life as whole.


Fukkin A.

A Practical Guide to Suicide


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Please don't even joke about it, it's not funny.

My ex-boyfriend's brother killed himself out of the blue last year. Good-looking, sensitive, intelligent young man with a good job and a gorgeaous girlfriend, blew his brains out aged 37.

It is one of the worst things you can do to another person, kill yourself. The one thing that stops me from ever considering it: what hope would my impoverished family have if I did away with myself? What hope would I inspire in them to believe that life was good if I made such a frank statement showing I believed life was bad. I believe it would affect my two sisters and mother deeply and we are not a model family.

My mother has had four of her boyfriends kill themselves, two intentionally, two unwittingly.

First my dad by taking his depersonalization meds wrong then smoking in bed aged 34.
A young boyfriend of my mum's, hung himself alone in his flat aged 30.
My gorgeous, talented little sister's dad, intential overdose aged 39.
My big sister's dad, amazingly lasted till he was 56, was a drug-addict from the age of 17. Even mental and addicted, he was an incredibly talented and beautiful person, a larger than life artist.

RIP all of them.

And if my mum had killed herself - and she tried - I wouldn't be here at all.

My big sister is a teacher in a foreign country, has a loving boyfriend.
My little sister is popular and intelligent, loves doing art.
And I am finally happy, doing medical research of my own.

My mum carries so much shame, guilt, worry and unhappiness that she doesn't even question how terrible these deaths are. Suicide isn't the standard of normality, or happiness. It is one of the greatest betrayals of life itself.

All self-harm hurts other people. I was saddened and surprised by how dissappointed my sisters and mum were that I started smoking. I realised that by doing that I have taken some of their hope in life away from them.

Maybe I just take too much responsibility?

But watching another person kill themself or hurt themself, just be unnecessarily hard on themself, it's one of the worst things.

I've had to watch my mother sit in an armchair disabled by apathy for almost 20years.

I had an unhappy, alcoholic boyfriend. No matter how much I encouraged him he wouldn't do anything about his situation.

I've lived in a culture of disatisfaction and unfulfillment. I have been a deeply lonely and unfulfilled person myself.

But I believe people can learn how to find fulfillment. It is the art of life, life is meant to be a challenge to enjoy, not a trek up the barren, inhospitable face of a mountain without enough oxygen and no one there for you. Life when you find it is a luxurious bed that you retire to followed by a refreshing dip in an exotic pool.

Killing yourself hurts other people. Please don't even consider it.

It actually hurts me to read it, it really does.

_Even if you believe you cannot truely love_, someone values you.
Even if no body chooses to be your friend, you have a mother who cares about you. Even if a mother is wrapped up in her own worries, she is devastated by the death of her offspring.

There isn't a worthless person in the world, save perhaps the most evil. Even they were valued by someone, once, at one time.

We all share this world together, we have to make it a better place to live.

Every day is a gift - you must believe that. If you don't then you must spend a year of your life convincing yourself it is true. Because it is.

Every day is an opportunity to do something that you enjoy, and to increase the happiness of others.

I have run out of tissue. But I have run out of tears too.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Catharsis: What ever personal vendetta you have against Puppeteer is no excuse for throwing flames on a fire such as suicide 

Anyway, Emulated, if you really are feeling that way please find someone to talk about it with.

Back to the topic at hand: I can definately relate to the low self esteem and the feeling of needing someone to make me whole. It was a very destructive force in my life for many years. In fact I think most people are like this until they heal themselves (i.e. not just DPers).

As for what genuine attraction feels like - just pure love. The kind that puts butterflies in your stomach and makes you giggle like a schoolgirl 

You can actually get this feeling any time you want, doesn't have to be a person or someone you are attracted to. Just send your love out and it will be reciprocated


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## Guest (Jan 24, 2007)

Catharsis said:


> Emulated Puppet}eer said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I can relate with what you say.
> ...


Sick


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## Guest (Jan 24, 2007)

Thank you for your reply miss_starling and welcome back.



> ?But I believe people can learn how to find fulfillment. It is the art of life, life is meant to be a challenge to enjoy, not a trek up the barren,?


Yeah, I totally agree with you? A challenge to enjoy, yet if you?re bulled for per long times, the challenge just seems so hard and you may start to assume you?re not even worthy of taking the challenge on board. 



> ?It actually hurts me to read it, it really does.?


Sorry miss_starling, I?ve been repressing my emotions lately (till today, I saw a counsellor who I believe will help me a lot) and it didn?t come to mind how what I wrote would effect other people?s feelings, I needed to state how I felt? A Vent?, I?d never write down ?I?m going to end my life? if I meant it? I would just do it, but I have the support I need now, so I have no reason to end my life.

Thanks again, I really value your time and effort in the reply you?ve made.

Darren.


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## Guest (Jan 24, 2007)

Hello CECIL, I spoke with a counsellor today whom helped me a lot.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

miss_starling said:


> Every day is a gift - you must believe that. If you don't then you must spend a year of your life convincing yourself it is true. Because it is.
> 
> Every day is an opportunity to do something that you enjoy, and to increase the happiness of others.


Yes! Even the bad days are a gift. It's just hard to understand that sometimes.


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## Guest (Jan 24, 2007)

Layla said:


> miss_starling said:
> 
> 
> > Every day is a gift - you must believe that. If you don't then you must spend a year of your life convincing yourself it is true. Because it is.
> ...


Strengthens you?


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

Sometimes it stregthens you ...not always 

I just mean that there's value in even torturous experiences. I don't know how to say it to make it make sense...  
blah.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Thanks again, I really value your time and effort in the reply you?ve made.
> 
> Darren.


I just wrote a massive thing on faith and have ironically just lost all of it. It took about 40 minutes to write.

Anyway, maybe writing about faith resupposed a lack of faith on your part, which cannot be true. You have faith shown by the fact you have seen a therapist and you have thanked me for what I wrote. You are trying to get better and that is valuable.

Darren, build on your faith in every way you can: faith in your ability to meet new challenges and faith that other people love you. You can achieve all kinds of happy consequences as a result of that:

Confidence
Self-esteem
Security
Enjoyment
Joy
A great social life
Good grades
New achievements beyond what you previously expected of yourself

You can have it all if you believe in yourself, others and in the inherent goodness of life itself.

Contemplating taking your life, that shows a lack of faith in life itself and your ability to meet its challenges, probably lack of belief in other people appreciation of you too. People have dissappointed and not appreciated you, it was they who were wrong, not you.


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## Guest (Jan 25, 2007)

Layla said:


> Sometimes it stregthens you ...not always
> 
> I just mean that there's value in even torturous experiences. I don't know how to say it to make it make sense...
> blah.


Do you mean; It gives you some kind of balance in life?


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

nope.. try again 

Here's a poem. It made me laugh.
Dorothy Parker tried to kill herself about three times.

Resume by Dorothy Parker

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.


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## Guest (Jan 25, 2007)

> I just wrote a massive thing on faith and have ironically just lost all of it. It took about 40 minutes to write.


Welcome to Murphy?s law; aka pain in the ass. 



> Anyway, maybe writing about faith resupposed a lack of faith on your part, which cannot be true. You have faith shown by the fact you have seen a therapist and you have thanked me for what I wrote. You are trying to get better and that is valuable.


I want to use my past to aid my own future, my past pains and sorrows can by my own self making in the future; I want to either be a councellor or use my dyslexia?s gift for some type of work (I admit, I haven?t looked into that). I want my life to have been balanced; 22 years of shite? the rest to be relaxing and fun (of course I will have some stress? but I?ll be able to cope better with it). 



> Darren, build on your faith in every way you can: faith in your ability to meet new challenges and faith that other people love you. You can achieve all kinds of happy consequences as a result of that:
> 
> Confidence
> Self-esteem
> ...


I haven?t felt many of those achievements before, so if I were to end it? what would my life have meant? I want them all, and I will help this coucellor I?m seeing help me as much as he can.



> You can have it all if you believe in yourself, others and in the inherent goodness of life itself.
> 
> Contemplating taking your life, that shows a lack of faith in life itself and your ability to meet its challenges, probably lack of belief in other people appreciation of you too. People have dissappointed and not appreciated you, it was they who were wrong, not you.


Would I be wrong to assume some of what you say relates to yourself? If so, I guess we can relate. The taste of life was so sweet when I was little? then it became sour because people felt uncomfortable around me? I want a mix of both; Sweet & Sour.

Thank you miss_starling, I?ll buy you a drink when we finally meet, have you tried ?Peppermint Mocha Blended Coffee?? tis a winner indeed.


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## Guest (Jan 25, 2007)

Layla said:


> nope.. try again
> 
> Here's a poem. It made me laugh.
> Dorothy Parker tried to kill herself about three times.
> ...


Well if you can?t explain in English; ?Draw it? C?mon, I know it?s in you? just gotta ease it out =P

I like your poem, what do they say about dieing in your sleep? =P


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Contemplating taking your life, that shows a lack of faith in life itself and your ability to meet its challenges, probably lack of belief in other people appreciation of you too. People have dissappointed and not appreciated you, it was they who were wrong, not you.


Would I be wrong to assume some of what you say relates to yourself? If so, I guess we can relate. 
[/quote]

Absolutely, the good and the bad. But I also ascertained that you believes people took you the wrong way because sometimes you assumed I thought badly of you when I didn't.

Anyway, I'm not saying that good grades and everything make you a more valuable person, just trying to allude to the power of faith.



> Thank you miss_starling, I?ll buy you a drink when we finally meet, have you tried ?Peppermint Mocha Blended Coffee?? tis a winner indeed.


Thanks for the offer, I don't drink coffee, but if I did I would have that one because it is different, complicated and I like mint.

Which reminds me of something I learned today:

-How do you put a giraffe in the refridgerator?

.....open the door, put it in, and shut the door.

(It apparently highlights one's tendency to over complicate things...)

-How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

...open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, shut the door.

(That apparently highlights that you should learn from the past.)

-The Lion King is hosting a meeting in the jungle: which animal doesn't go?

The elephant of course!

(isn't it painful to not get the answers to these questions?)

And the crocodiles are lined up in the river, how do you get across?

...Swim! The crocodiles are in their meeting with the Lion King..

Personally I think the questions were misleading! But it was funny.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

Elephant Jokes!!! 

-How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?
The footprints in the pizza.

-How do you tell an elephant apart from a grape?
Grapes are purple.

- What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the hill?
'look jane, here come the elephants down the hill'

- What did Jane say when she say the elephants coming down the hill?
'oh look! here come the grapes down the hill.' (she was colour blind)

-Why do elephants wear green sneakers?
So they can hide in trees.

- Why do elephants wear red sneakers?
So they can hide in apple trees.

- Why shouldn't you go into the woods between 5am and 10am?
Because that's when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.

-Why are the 7 dwarves so short?
Because they went into the woods between 5am and 10pm.

yes, I know all these off the top of my head


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## Guest (Jan 25, 2007)

*sigh*, I just lost what I wrote to you as well? It?s really ? annoying (nice word to use) isn?t it? 



> Absolutely, the good and the bad. But I also ascertained that you believes people took you the wrong way because sometimes you assumed I thought badly of you when I didn't.


Right I?ll start again. 
I think I tend to assume the worse in people because I?m so scared of being hurt, so if I assume they will hurt me in the future, I can put up a shield to protect myself, maybe this shield is linked to my DR/DP? The thing is? it?s harder to know what you mean from time to time due to my dyslexia? if I could hear the tone of your voice it would really help me.



> Anyway, I'm not saying that good grades and everything make you a more valuable person, just trying to allude to the power of faith.


May I ask what you mean by the word: ?Faith? please? Do you mean it as self belief? 



> > Thank you miss_starling, I?ll buy you a drink when we finally meet, have you tried ?Peppermint Mocha Blended Coffee?? tis a winner indeed.
> 
> 
> Thanks for the offer, I don't drink coffee, but if I did I would have that one because it is different, complicated and I like mint.


My sister doesn?t drink coffer either, but she likes coffee ice cream. You also like mint as well? Have you tired after eight chocolate ice cream? It?s so so nice =).



> Which reminds me of something I learned today:
> 
> -How do you put a giraffe in the refridgerator?
> 
> ...


That made for a good read, makes you realise that some times taking the simple route is the best and fastest to take, I guess myself and many others waste much energy ?thinking? far too much, we need to set a side time for our selves to relax.

Sorry for using so many quotes, but it helps me think, and i'm quite tired at the moment.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Faith

To me it means this:

Believing that good exists even when you can't readily see it.

In that way, faith can relate to most things:

The good in yourself
The good in other people
The inherent goodness of life itself


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Hope is the desire for a positive event.

Faith is experiencing a bad event but believing there is more to life than the ego.

Faith is what you do when you do not have hope.

Faith is an emotion that sort of lives for the sake of its own truth, rather than for an event.

It is a fulfilling state in and of itself.

But it does overflow into your ego life too.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

It makes no sense to cultivate faith for reasons of ego, not only does that defeat the point of having faith, but it is also very hard if not impossible to cultivate faith through those reasons. Faith has to be a solid belief that there is more to life than ego and that it supercedes it.

Phew now I've worked that one out I need a bath! I knew something was wrong! I just couldn't work it out! And there it is, faith for faith's sake. God, I wish I'd stop taking detours.


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## Guest (Jan 25, 2007)

miss_starling said:


> Faith
> 
> To me it means this:
> 
> ...


Awww that?s so unfair *Crys*? I found your message around 8:10pm but then started doing something else? any how I came back then pressed the ?refress? button only to see your shorter edited reply ?UNLUCKY?? lol

Oh I remember you said something about not feeling so good (won?t give details because I don?t think you want others to know) would you like a chat about it?

Thanks for explaining what it meant to you, I agree with what you say.


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## Guest (Jan 25, 2007)

miss_starling said:


> Phew now I've worked that one out I need a bath! I knew something was wrong! I just couldn't work it out! And there it is, faith for faith's sake. God, I wish I'd stop taking detours.


Well you know what it's time to relax, so that in it's self it good.


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## Guest (Jan 26, 2007)

Layla wrote: Yes! Even the bad days are a gift. It's just hard to understand that sometimes.
.....................

Everyday I have with my family is a gift, even if it is a bad day, we just
end up learning a little bit more about ourselves.
I used to just blow up and start saying nasty things to my wife, but then
I realized I wasn't really yelling at her, I was just letting out old anger.
Man she put up with some shit!
But now we talk, really talk, and I feel a much stronger connection with her, I am so 
lucky to have such a beautiful and understanding wife.

G.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Miss Starling,

 Your post was very sad. I'm sorry to hear that all of those things happened to you and those you loved.

s.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Holy God Rozanne,

I have felt suicidal twice in my life. What is odd about it is it was a state of mind I can't even identify with now. And to be honest, one cause for me was (I think) being on a tricyclic. I went off of it as I wanted to decrease my medications and the suicidal ideation went away.

In many people, once in that state, they feel completely useless to the world, and feel they won't be missed. I remember a very illogical thinking pattern I had at the time.

On the other hand, one of my oldest and best friends took her life in 12/2004. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her, or there is always the stupidest things that remind me of her. One is ridiculous. We have a store "J.C. Penny" here, and the commercial says "It's All Inside". For some reason my friend and I used to say that, referring to what I don't know. Everytime I see that damend commercial I think of her.

And I am still angry with her. It is inconceivable to me that she is gone. But strangely enough, I saw the seeds of her demise when I first met her about 24 years ago. Can never get the dates straight but it was in uni.

I am unable to mourn her. But I have been to Survivor support groups. They help. What is true torture is to see mothers of children who have committed suicide. And sadly young men, teens, are often very impulsive. And if they are ill make very impulsive decisions about this.

You and your mother should feel no guilt. In every story I've heard, and I've heard too many, NO ONE anticipated what happened, even when they knew the person "had issues". Those who died though all felt they were worthless. That it would be BETTER for their families to die. They felt they were a burden.

But yes, for me. I find it extraordinarily odd that the last email I received from my friend, @one week before she was found, was completely cheerful and normal. In retrospect I see her planning. She left me things. The whole story is pretty grisly as well.

But the Hell she was living in ... she couldn't escape it. I can't go into details, but I see why she did what she did, though as a mutual friend (we were both in this friend's wedding!) said, "My God, all of these things could have been solved by a good doctor, lawyer, and an Indian Chief."

Maybe, maybe not. And my friend who died could not SEE that.

Also, it seems your mother has an obvious pattern of connecting with troubled men. I don't know you or her, just an observation. I have a similar pattern as my father was mentally ill. I think it has to do with "tryiing to fix an unfixable situation" over and over and over.

These deaths are no one's fault. But I understand anger. I have nothing but anger. My friend "abandonned me." I have not even been to the cemetary.

And there is no time frame on "getting over this." No one ever really does.

Take Care,
D


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

You are right Dreamer, I should be more understanding and not aportion blame to people.

Actually I don't blame the two men who killed themselves. They both had bipolar. Indeed my mum used to go for mentally ill men. With all due respect to mentally ill people - I am one - it showed a lack of confidence on her part to have children with men who were never going to be able to provide security for her and us children.

I do however blame my ex boyfriend's brother.

I know I should try and be more understanding, but let me explain:

He moved away from family when he was about 20 to join the military police, following in the footsteps of his abusive father. He never came back again. He called himself by a different name, and though very successful in his career, he must have been conflicted. He stayed loyal to his abusive father and rejected his mother and siblings for some reason. They always waited for him to "come round", they believed that one day he would see sense and come back to them, realising that it was in fact the father who was in the wrong. He never did. He even visited the village with his girlfriend, and did not drop in at home to say hello. He thoroughly took himself away from them.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he just killed himself, out of the blue. His family had been waiting for him to come back to them - and they loved him dearly - in his own time, and he killed himself without even saying goodbye.

I'm sorry but it makes me angry.

Much as I wish to have personal freedom, I suppose I believe to some extent in sacrificing that freedom to stay in touch with a situation which has previously hurt me.

...I wonder if he rejected his mother because she didn't protect him from his father. But that doesn't exactly make sense, afterall he continued to have allegence with his dad even though he was a really horrible person.

This suicide has made me realise though that I am not the only one to be abandoned, I suppose that is a good thing. But I regret that my ex now has this "black mark" on his life to deal with. He was depressed anyway before it happened, but the event seemed to change his life overnight.

Since then I haven't seen him happy....and dare I say that when I do, I wonder how he can be happy in light of what has happened. I know I shouldn't think that way. I think I am just projecting all my nasty life onto him.


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

> Everyday I have with my family is a gift, even if it is a bad day, we just
> end up learning a little bit more about ourselves.


I am with you on that one G.


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