# Personal vent, feel free to ignore



## TiredAndExhausted (May 2, 2018)

I don't think I have dp or dr. I mean, I had when I suffered from ocd but now.. the thing with me is, it's not that I feel unreal, or that the world is unreal, foggy, so probably I shouldn't even be here.. but I don't know which place to fucking go.. all I know is that something is wrong with me, with how I experience things, it's like my mind can't no longer process or comprehend my life, my self, what I think, what I experience etc.. it's like all logic has gone fuck itself, it's not applicable to what I experience mentally daily.. I'm so fucking scared and exhausted.. It's like my own self can't grasp or define the infinity of what I am or can be/think/experience.. it's extremely difficult to describe what I do experience, or even dwell on it that's why I'm scared, I feel like i'm trapped in a existential/infinite/insert-adjective cage and I don't know if it can or will harm, how it does, I don't even know what the fucking problem is.. I feel so different from Others, I can't easily grasp whether something I remember has actually happened or it's just my fucked up mind coming up with that for the first time, especially when I drift to sleep but not only.. I get trapped with self thoughts like is what am I consciously thinking really part of me, am I even paying attention and am I "at one" with what I'm thinking or the real me is just the one observing/monitoring the thoughts?

Why isn't my life and my sense of self til now determined by people, hobbies, experiences, personality traits etc.. it's like the real core me is only this jungle/web of self-examination/ruminating and everything comes secondary, even thought I fool myself it doesn't, so what's the truth? The one I decide for myself or what I think it's right?

I can't grasp myself, I can't even grasp what it bothers me, I'm afraid it comes off as something else completely different, sometimes I think I'm schizophrenic.. the fact that I've reached a point in which I'd rather KNOW I am like, schizophrenic and not like there is some existential, uncomprehensible fucked up big picture about my life I constantly try to unravel but it's like chasing something that changes form constantly, or something illusory.. so are my thoughts even real? Am I real? I ask myself 24h what I mean, I can't comprehend myself or my own mind.. I feel disgusted by what's happening to me, what scares me is that I feel like I'm open out a window of INFINITE possibilities and I can just easily choose one to adjust what I experience (dp/dr? quantum psychic? Parallel universes? Night of the soul? etc)

It's like I act myself, there's no raw genuine authentic me, even my vent doesn't feel raw..


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

I feel you,

I've questioned too if I even have DP/DR. But I do relate with many of the core symptoms of it. I'm officially diagnosed with Schizophrenia. But the thing is, I relate more with DP/DR than Schizophrenia. I take meds for the Schizophrenic Symptoms and they do work marvelously for that, but the medications don't touch the dissociative experiences, such as Blank Mind, Dissociation (out of body sensation that doesn't ever go away), stranger to myself in the mirror, friends and family don't feel familiar, places don't feel familiar. I don't have Derealization even, but the world does feel lack of meaning, flat, in a word, fake. I've been at this so long that I tend to forget that most people don't experience this kind of life, they are back in reality, which I'm (or at least used to believe I'm) no longer a part of.

What I have observed over the 9 years I've been a part of the DP/DR community is that everybody here have relation to some symptoms from some people but then will relate to other symptoms from other people. It's a spectrum. We're all different and this condition is very individualistic and our symptomology can have unique aspects. Reading your post I can say that in my opinion you do actually fall somewhere along the spectrum of DP/DR. Hang in there friend!


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## Chip1021 (Mar 24, 2018)

TiredandExhausted,

Most of what you say does sound like a form of DP, especially later in your rant when you ask "are my thoughts real? Am I real?" Though I do definitely understand questioning whether or not any specific symptom or thought pattern is a part of DP, something else, or just something that "everybody experiences". Sometimes it's like the philosophical question about colors: how do I know that the "red" that I perceive is the same as the "red" other people perceive? Well, I've found this group of people who have found a way to put their experiences into words like DP, but do I really experience the same thing that they do?

ThoughtonFire,

Do you have positive symptoms of schizophrenia like hallucinations which the AP's work well on? Because I've heard that they work well for the "positive symptoms" but not so well with "negative symptoms", and I've always felt that's DP/DR can resemble the negative symptoms of schizophrenia at times.

This whole conversation makes me think that "mental illnesses" are not discrete discernible entities that can be divided into nice little categories and subcategories, but all part of an interrelated continuum of human thought and behavior. It's just that we have to have categories in order to talk about things intelligently, and to ask questions and do research, etc. Yet I think we've forgotten (especially those in the medical community) that these categories are still, at their core, artificial.


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## Saschasascha (Dec 17, 2015)

TiredandExhausted, First of all, try to calm down. Lots of people can relate to the things you describe. Sounds like anxiety/ Pure O OCD and DP/DR. You said you suffer from OCD, what are your symptoms? Saschasascha


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

Chip1021 said:


> ThoughtonFire,
> 
> Do you have positive symptoms of schizophrenia like hallucinations which the AP's work well on? Because I've heard that they work well for the "positive symptoms" but not so well with "negative symptoms", and I've always felt that's DP/DR can resemble the negative symptoms of schizophrenia at times.


Yes without the meds I have the positive symptoms of Schizophrenia. The medications I take work well on these symptoms. I've tried a handful of meds and most made things worse, the others only had no effect. The only med that has worked for me so far is an older antipsychotic called perphenazine. And I've taken it since 2009.


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## Chip1021 (Mar 24, 2018)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> Yes without the meds I have the positive symptoms of Schizophrenia. The medications I take work well on these symptoms. I've tried a handful of meds and most made things worse, the others only had no effect. The only med that has worked for me so far is an older antipsychotic called perphenazine. And I've taken it since 2009.


Glad you can at least get some relief from those symptoms. And my sincerest apologies to the OP for hijacking your thread. We're still here for you.


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