# Worried & Concerned about depression relapse



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

I don't mean to be repetitive with my threads, but I am slowly becoming scared and concerned about my mental health. I have become increasingly more depressed since 3 days ago. This is usually not normal for me. I'm not always in the greatest of moods, but I wouldn't say I've been depressed either. This feeling is creeping up on me, and I am scared that it will get to a point where I have to be hospitalized. That is the ultimate terror.

I first experienced major depression at the age of 13, and it was by far, one of the worst and darkest periods of my life. It got to a point where I began having suicidal ideations and had to ultimately go to the hospital. DP/DR is more tolerable than depression in my point of view. With DP/DR I can still somewhat be functional, but with depression, I become totally disabled and unable to be productive. What concerns me is that I'm starting to have the same feelings as I did 6 years ago, and I do not want to plummet back down to the rabbit hole. I don't know if there is much that the community can help me out with, besides supporting me. Perhaps I have to reach out to my psychiatrist and let him know what's going on. What's funny is that I just saw him this past Friday, and I was fine. When I came back from that appt, I was in a terrific mood. What changed?

Anyways, please keep me in your prayers...I mean it's not an urgent matter, but just please pray that I won't go back to feeling the same way I did at the age of 13. Thanks guys.


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## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

insaticiable said:


> I don't mean to be repetitive with my threads, but I am slowly becoming scared and concerned about my mental health. I have become increasingly more depressed since 3 days ago. This is usually not normal for me. I'm not always in the greatest of moods, but I wouldn't say I've been depressed either. This feeling is creeping up on me, and I am scared that it will get to a point where I have to be hospitalized. That is the ultimate terror.
> 
> I first experienced major depression at the age of 13, and it was by far, one of the worst and darkest periods of my life. It got to a point where I began having suicidal ideations and had to ultimately go to the hospital. DP/DR is more tolerable than depression in my point of view. With DP/DR I can still somewhat be functional, but with depression, I become totally disabled and unable to be productive. What concerns me is that I'm starting to have the same feelings as I did 6 years ago, and I do not want to plummet back down to the rabbit hole. I don't know if there is much that the community can help me out with, besides supporting me. Perhaps I have to reach out to my psychiatrist and let him know what's going on. What's funny is that I just saw him this past Friday, and I was fine. When I came back from that appt, I was in a terrific mood. What changed?
> 
> Anyways, please keep me in your prayers...I mean it's not an urgent matter, but just please pray that I won't go back to feeling the same way I did at the age of 13. Thanks guys.


Aww, Insaticiable! You better believe I will keep you in my prayers, not only because you are a strong support for me and my fears, but also because you are reaching out. I know that the DP is a protective mechanism for lots of strong emotions. Are you as Dp'ed as you have been now that you are feeling this depression, because I wonder if you can look at it as part of your recovery. For example, I have moments where I feel less dissociated, but when that happens I am usually actually feeling some pretty strong anxiety and/or anger. It is hard to feel those emotions, and when my DP is stronger, I don't feel it as much. I am wondering if it is the same with your depression.

I can totally relate to going to see your health care professional, being fine, and then all hell breaks loose after the fact. That has happened to me. It started to make me paranoid because I didn't want to see the doctor again, but I did anyhow.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

mourningdovespirit said:


> Aww, Insaticiable! You better believe I will keep you in my prayers, not only because you are a strong support for me and my fears, but also because you are reaching out. I know that the DP is a protective mechanism for lots of strong emotions. Are you as Dp'ed as you have been now that you are feeling this depression, because I wonder if you can look at it as part of your recovery. For example, I have moments where I feel less dissociated, but when that happens I am usually actually feeling some pretty strong anxiety and/or anger. It is hard to feel those emotions, and when my DP is stronger, I don't feel it as much. I am wondering if it is the same with your depression.
> 
> I can totally relate to going to see your health care professional, being fine, and then all hell breaks loose after the fact. That has happened to me. It started to make me paranoid because I didn't want to see the doctor again, but I did anyhow.


Thank you so much Mourningdovespirit! You are such a great support for me as well. In terms of being DP'd alongside the depression, I find that my DP is pretty much twice as severe as it usually is. It feels as if the depression makes me more cloudy and hazy. Earlier tonight, I was trying to review some of the chapters in the book, Feeling Unreal, and I could barely make it past a few pages. So yes, the DP is definitely as strong as it's ever been right now. I hate it. Also with me, I find that my moods switch off. For example, I find that my depression can easily turn into anger or hostility. Strange how that works...perhaps it is a part of my Borderline Personality.

It is so so strange because when I returned from my doctor's appt last Friday, I was over the moon happy. Just in a really good mood. Something I had not felt in a long, long time. I doubt it had anything to do with the actual appointment itself, but I found myself becoming really hyper and motivated. i even started cleaning my room and going through my backpack which I had not touched in a year and a half! Crazy. What happened inside my brain after that, I have no clue.


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## Kpanic (Sep 12, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Thank you so much Mourningdovespirit! You are such a great support for me as well. In terms of being DP'd alongside the depression, I find that my DP is pretty much twice as severe as it usually is. It feels as if the depression makes me more cloudy and hazy. Earlier tonight, I was trying to review some of the chapters in the book, Feeling Unreal, and I could barely make it past a few pages. So yes, the DP is definitely as strong as it's ever been right now. I hate it. Also with me, I find that my moods switch off. For example, I find that my depression can easily turn into anger or hostility. Strange how that works...perhaps it is a part of my Borderline Personality.
> 
> It is so so strange because when I returned from my doctor's appt last Friday, I was over the moon happy. Just in a really good mood. Something I had not felt in a long, long time. I doubt it had anything to do with the actual appointment itself, but I found myself becoming really hyper and motivated. i even started cleaning my room and going through my backpack which I had not touched in a year and a half! Crazy. What happened inside my brain after that, I have no clue.


You have my support.You have my prayers. You will get thru this, you will get better. I am not Bible thumping, but if you are like me, I dropped to my knees at the worst and asked God to handle this as I no longer could stand it anymore. I have turned to stronger faith, as I use to be a hell cat and now I am very spiritual. I often wondered if I was cursed with this because I was not living the life I should have been living. The jury is still out on that, but I can tell you that giving my problems to God has helped me out. I was watching Joel Osteen last night and I was feeling some anxiety and DR and his message was that God gives everyone 10 minutes of misery for a reason, some just have to seek the right "reason". I found my reason and I am running with it. You will get thru this, be strong and do not let it break you down!


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Kpanic said:


> You have my support.You have my prayers. You will get thru this, you will get better. I am not Bible thumping, but if you are like me, I dropped to my knees at the worst and asked God to handle this as I no longer could stand it anymore. I have turned to stronger faith, as I use to be a hell cat and now I am very spiritual. I often wondered if I was cursed with this because I was not living the life I should have been living. The jury is still out on that, but I can tell you that giving my problems to God has helped me out. I was watching Joel Osteen last night and I was feeling some anxiety and DR and his message was that God gives everyone 10 minutes of misery for a reason, some just have to seek the right "reason". I found my reason and I am running with it. You will get thru this, be strong and do not let it break you down!


Thank you so much for the support Kpanic, I appreciate it.


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

You have my support. <3 
Anytime you need, you can talk to me on skype (junkinmahcranium) or if you want we can talk on the phone or something, if that's not creepy. Just want you to be okay.

What happened in the hospital last time? (If you don't mind sharing.)


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

junkinmahcranium said:


> You have my support. <3
> Anytime you need, you can talk to me on skype (junkinmahcranium) or if you want we can talk on the phone or something, if that's not creepy. Just want you to be okay.
> 
> What happened in the hospital last time? (If you don't mind sharing.)


Thank you so much junkinmahcranium! You have my support too...100%! <3

Yes, we should definitely set aside some time to talk on skype, and no, talking on the phone does not sound creepy lol. just as long as you can prove you're not an old creepy man...jk! lol, i know you're not









The very first time I was hospitalized at the age of 13 was because I had been experiencing severe depression which eventually led to suicidal ideations, which I had NEVER had before. I knew that I needed help. Professional help. I got on meds, and soon the crisis that existed in my mind began to go away. The depression finally got under control. Not to say that I was 100% cured, but it helped. The hospital can be a very soothing, and therapeutic environment when you need to just get away from it all. Although, you pretty much can only be admitted on the grounds that you are either a harm to yourself, or to others.


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Thank you so much junkinmahcranium! You have my support too...100%! <3
> 
> Yes, we should definitely set aside some time to talk on skype, and no, talking on the phone does not sound creepy lol. just as long as you can prove you're not an old creepy man...jk! lol, i know you're not
> 
> ...


LOL. I am definitely not a man xDDD nor old. hahaha. But yeah that'd be good









Okay. What medication? I'm really sorry about that, that must have been .. terrifying, esp never being suicidal before. I'm thinking really hard about being hospitalized. Does cutting count as harm to yourself, enough for the hospital?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

junkinmahcranium said:


> LOL. I am definitely not a man xDDD nor old. hahaha. But yeah that'd be good
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Alright, good to know









When I was hospitalized, they put me on Prozac...which is what I've learned over the years, the first med most doctors try out when treating depressed patients. I think it's like seriously the first line of med used. Also, it is the only antidepressant I believe approved by the FDA to be used for adolescents. Anyways, from the age of 13 to now 19...I've tried probably more than 20 drugs, but have finally found my right cocktail. I am now on 5 meds. Yes, everyone, yes...I admit, I'm crazzzyyyy!!! haha

You are on Zoloft right now, correct? Did you know that most antidepressants like Prozac, Zoloft, etc can induce suicidal ideations in people your age? Yeah, most doctors won't tell you that, but if you read the prescription info that comes with your med, it'll clearly state: FDA warning....blah blah blah

Oh, and to answer your question....does cutting count as harm to yourself enough for the hospital? I'm not too sure, but probably if you said something like, ''Cutting with the intent to kill yourself'' then yeah, probably.


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Alright, good to know
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Is Prozac good? Does it help? Which five are you on, and what do they help with, if they help at all? (sorry for all the questions lol)

Yeah, I'm on Zoloft. She didn't tell me that but I read the packet religiously and researched it for hours. I've never really been suicidal until I got on this medication. She's doubling my dose starting Friday. I am afraid for myself.

Okay then I'll say that if I go in. It's a big step, and I'm worried about it. I may not do it, idk yet.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

junkinmahcranium said:


> Is Prozac good? Does it help? Which five are you on, and what do they help with, if they help at all? (sorry for all the questions lol)
> 
> Yeah, I'm on Zoloft. She didn't tell me that but I read the packet religiously and researched it for hours. I've never really been suicidal until I got on this medication. She's doubling my dose starting Friday. I am afraid for myself.
> 
> Okay then I'll say that if I go in. It's a big step, and I'm worried about it. I may not do it, idk yet.


Prozac was good...at the time, but it didn't cover some of other stuff I had to deal with. Right now, I'm on...

Lamictal (mood-stabilizer)
Remeron (anti-depressant)
Wellbutrin (anti-depressant)
Abilify (anti-psychotic)
&
Naltrexone (opiate antagonist receptor...showed by research to help reduce DP/DR symptoms)...read about this!

I also suffer from OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder, so that is why I require so many meds...to keep me stable.

There you go!...the Zoloft could most definitely be contributing to the suicidal feelings. Talk over how you're feeling in depth with your pdoc when you see her next time.


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