# Reverting back to "your normal self" . . . .



## Spore (Jan 24, 2011)

Recently, this is all that I've been hoping I can do. Revert back to my normal self, the person I was before this all started. But then, I'm starting to wonder . . . is that a good way to go about it? I'm just so desperate. I keep on looking at things that made me laugh, watching videos that made me happy, but then I feel like I'm just desperately clinging to who I used to be that I can't focus on the me now. And then I think, what the fuck IS the me now? The me now IS the me from before, just more depressed and anxious. I keep thinking that I've made some kind of "discovery" thanks to this depression, but this is all stuff that I already knew about. All I'm doing is experiencing it firsthand.

But still, I continue telling myself that I just "want to be normal again".

It feels like there's a hurdle in front of me. Something I HAVE to accept . . . but I can't fathom what it is. I tell myself that I just have to accept change. And then I tell myself, "But there really is no change." I constantly need to tell myself this. "I haven't changed. I'm still the same person I was, just more mature . . ." Because if I don't, I will experience those lovely feelings of depersonalization once again. Stare at myself in a mirror with an old picture of me next to it, wondering what happened to that girl. Realizing I'm NOT her anymore . . . for some reason, I have so much troubles accepting it.

I've always felt there was a hidden potential in me, and sometimes I made it through the day before just by telling myself, "You're meant for big things. Just relax. Your life will fall into place sooner or later."

This all started with a reality shock in the first place. I realized it can't just fall into place. I have to set it into motion, somehow. But I don't know how. I'm sixteen fucking years old and I'm a foreigner and I live in a country full of people who, for the most part, do not enjoy my company whatsoever. I keep trying to convince myself to be satisfied with the smaller things in life. The simple fact that I have a loving family, a secure house, a bed to sleep in every night, the computer . . . but I'm not.

This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to make myself be satisfied with the life I had before and still continue to have. It's killing me. I keep analyzing myself, and bad things are happening because of it. For example, I am SO obsessed with trying to make myself "the girl I was before" that it seems every conversation with my family is completely . . . scripted. This is how my DP works for me. I say things and then I wonder if that's something if I would really say. I say something and I wonder if I only said it BECAUSE I'm trying to sound 'normal' and not because that's really what I felt. I keep questioning myself. And I feel so horrible about it . . . I feel like I'm lying to everyone. They all look at me, and I wonder if they really notice any difference in me. Do they realize I'm just spouting off things that I think sound normal? Whatever happened to ME? Whatever happened to not caring and just saying what's on my mind?

I keep thinking, maybe I have to tell them about what's going on with me. But then I'm afraid. They'll know that, for the past week or so, I haven't been ME. I might as well be some alien that took over the girl from before and is trying to fit in. I use this as a reference because the first time I felt derealization, I actually thought that every person I loved got taken over my aliens. Maybe it was just my way of realizing that things have changed. Ever since my mother died five years ago, we're different people. And I'm having troubles identifying myself now because of it. I keep thinking, "I'm different . . . I've changed . . . we've all changed . . . what continues to keep us together to this day? Even though we've grown older and thought new thoughts, why are we still in the same position today that we were in all of the years before? What makes us continue to love each other?"

Some times, I even feel like I NEED to love them. Like I SHOULD love them. After all we've gone through, it's the best I can do for them . . . I've lost sight of what love is. It takes a while again for me to realize that I don't need to tell myself to love them, because I will anyway. I don't know . . . everything just confuses me lately.

In truth, I don't want to blame DP on this at all. For me, DP IS a symptom. I've been experiencing so much anxiety, this is perfectly natural. But I sincerely know that you guys may be the only ones who truly understand what I'm going through. All teenagers go through a realization at one point in their life, don't they? Perhaps this is mine. This is the event that will make me into an adult. I've forgotten why I thought that analogy was cool before - I used to picture it as a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. But then I wonder, the only reasons caterpillars don't go crazy when their body makes such a huge transformation is because they're brains are too small to even realize it's happening, LOL. My brain isn't that small. I'm realizing the thoughts that are going through my mind, and I'm scared.

I've posted in all sorts of forums about my problems recently. But do you guys understand? We all have gone through different experiences that made us this way. To get over your feelings of depersonalization and derealization, some of you realized that you had to DO things. You had to make use of your life, move on and enjoy it, and realize there wasn't any use to asking yourself unanswerable questions. Everyone that I asked in other forums that didn't know about DP/DR told me, "Everyone goes through this." I sometimes keep that mentality in mind. It's true. Perhaps not the feelings of DP/DR, but everyone questions life at some point in their life. Questioning themselves, questioning others . . . it's perfectly natural.

But the thing is, how did you move on? Have you ever been in a situation where you were really incapable of "living life" physically? Perhaps it happened during a point in your life when you had no money to do things, or you didn't have a home, or perhaps, like me, you were in a foreign where just doing things was . . . incredibly hard. Perhaps you were scared of change. How did you jump over that hurdle? How can I jump over it? I wonder these things every day.


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## Spore (Jan 24, 2011)

On another note, have any of you read about another person's problems and thought about how INSIGNIFICANT it was? I feel really horrible for thinking it. But the truth is, I used to frequent a "Life Issues" forum where people share their problems, and every problem I see . . . I always end up thinking, "Why the fuck do you even care about that?" I used to be able to help them out before, but now I'm not sure how to do it without being biased or snappy or rude. I haven't been posting there at all because I'm afraid I'll say something mean. .___. I guess it's just a part of my "What's the meaning of LIFEEEEE?!" phase.


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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

Yeah i guess its a part of being ill in general. Even if you're struck down with bad flu, sometimes your bed bound for a while and you took for granted feeling well. Or have a hangover in the morning and your throwing up and everyone around you is getting on normally. I guess it puts everything into perspective. I try not to be snappy though.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Spore, I read a whole thread about that. (Other people's problems).

I completely feel the same. Daily problems appear absolutely ridiculous when you are facing hell. But people, who are not facing hell, regard these as real problems.

I am curious about those who recover: What about daily problems after your recovery?


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi. What I am about to say is 100% true. I'm 31, an had this for 2 years from 16-18 as well. So I know this, if nothing else.

No, not everyone have to go through some transformation. You grow effortlessly and smoothly into adulthood if you never hit that brick wall. You might make a conscious decision to grow from going through this difficult time in your life though, and I think that's very wise. I went through it and never dared think about it or what it meant. And so I was the same self-loathing, scared person coming out of it, not appreciating life or loving myself any more than before.

The other thing I know is that all those thoughts you have on life, transformation, love, human connection, e.c.t, is strongly related to DP. It's one of the "symptoms" that is very hard to believe is a symptom, as it feels like you're just being clever and having some kind of new insight in life. Fact is it's your brain that is running every thought and observation by the intellect, as it perceives your situation as dangerous. It tries to find a solution, but is caught in a chinese finger-trap situation. It fears the symptoms but is creating the symptoms by being fearful.

When DP goes away, your body starts to take over some of the tasks your mind is now in overdrive trying to handle. You effortlessly feel connections and love, you get your gut-feeling back, your intuition, your senses return to normal. That is why living is so easy when you are healthy. You don't intellectualize every single aspect of the human existence, you are fully integrated in life and understand without thinking. Do you see what I'm saying? You have to discard the critical thinking, it's a combination of analyzing reality from a perspective of having no emotions, and your brain being in panic-mode, analyzing to find threat.

To "fake it till you make it" is actually really good, and one of the best ways of getting better. Also, venting some of your thoughts to someone professional can help you connect more over time. We all have pain in our lives, the clue is reducing the stress it causes us.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Have to add, I know EXACTLY how you feel, but you don't need to think your way through this. When you get well you'll wonder what the hell you were doing thinking those thoughts. I too have the fears you have, but I've been through it and know DP is creating problems that aren't there. You will be you again, gradually, it's not a riddle to solve, you just slowly "wake up" as time goes by and stress decreases. Of course with the added life-experience. Very well-written post btw


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

york said:


> When DP goes away, your body starts to take over some of the tasks your mind is now in overdrive trying to handle. You effortlessly feel connections and love, you get your gut-feeling back, your intuition, your senses return to normal. That is why living is so easy when you are healthy. You don't intellectualize every single aspect of the human existence, you are fully integrated in life and understand without thinking. Do you see what I'm saying? You have to discard the critical thinking, it's a combination of analyzing reality from a perspective of having no emotions, and your brain being in panic-mode, analyzing to find threat.


Well said.


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