# Existential Thought Obsession



## AlPal24 (Mar 23, 2020)

Hey guys I'm new here to dpselfhelp,

I guess i'll just lay it out all on the table so i seem more transparent.

First.

My father became ill of cancer in January of 2018, after a long and hard fought battle he passed away in August of 2019. I was unbelievably close to my dad as he was my best friend. Two weeks later, my mom thought that it would be best for me to attend my first semester of college to take my mind of things, so i went and moved in only 2-3 weeks after he passed away.

Second.

In my first semester i took 5 classes. Two of those classes being mental health (mainly about schizophrenia and psychosis) and philosophy. At the time, these classes didn't seem to take too strong of a toll on my mind. Yet, I believe that the knowledge I acquired in these classes were a reason in causing my current status of mental health.

Third.

My mom, my brother and I were taking a trip to Boston to visit a couple of my cousins. Out of nowhere, I hear my mom wailing from the bathroom. I run out of the bathroom and she tells me and my brother that a friend of ours, who we have played soccer with and went to school with for the past 10 years had passed away from a heart attack. Side note (I have always had bad health anxiety, mainly the health of my heart as anxiety can cause chest tightness and pain).

Fourth.

In the mix of all of these events, my family and I decided that it was time that we moved out of the house that we had lived in for 15 years. It was a very difficult decision to make and it was a hard transition but the memories in the house and the mortgage of the house was too much for us.

Fifth.

I have always been someone to research symptoms online. It could be hours a day that I am beating the buttons on the keyboard to figure out what is wrong with me. One night, my friends and I were playing Mario Smash Bros and all of the sudden I became extremely dizzy. I felt like everything around me was spinning so I had a fight or flight attack and ran into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet closed my eyes and breathed. The more I focused on the dizziness, the more dizzy I felt. I then took my phone out and began researching. In the mix of this was my existential thoughts too. "Do I have schizophrenia?", "Do I have Psychosis", "Do I have blah blah blah". And that is when I ran into solipsism. I began to panic even more as I started to delve into solipsism. I was trying so hard to find a rebuttal to this theory but I couldn't.

Sixth.

My girlfriend had been talking to a guy friend and school and started lying and hiding her phone. It really stressed me out while I was at college and also when I was home with her. It seemed as if she was looking at me like a different person. I wasn't sure if this was anxiety or dpdr but I felt like it was my fault for some reason. I noticed that she started acting differently on social media, dressing up and doing her nails like she had never done before, it was all odd to me as she is someone who has always given me comfort, she was always there when my dad was sick and when he passed away.

Overall, my obsession for solipsism and existential questions come and go but they are very overwhelming, to the point where I look at my mom and my brother differently, though I love them so dearly. These thoughts about my mind and my body being separate, how we are here right now, if im the only conscious being, if there is free will or not, make me extremely anxious and it nearly forces me to lay down in my room or play video games. These thoughts run through my head all day every day. I do hours of looking these existential topics up every, maybe if i stop looking it up as my mind is in a very vulnerable state, the thoughts wont be as powerful and my dpdr will be resolved. Out of body, many floaters in my vision, reality looks 2d to me, the fear of other people not experiencing life like me (solipsism), and what happens after death are my main fears.

I fear that this may be a sign of a more worrisome mental illness.

If someone could give me input that would mean the absolute world to me, thank you all so much for reading and taking my thoughts and words into consideration, we will all recover together.

Sincerely and with love, AlPal


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## AlPal24 (Mar 23, 2020)

Anyone have thoughts on this? Is this just a normal depersonalization / derealization symptom heightened by anxiety from all that had happened?


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## LizFerret (Mar 3, 2020)

Hi,

When it comes to dpdr and relationships with others, I can say that my dpdr mind destorted my reality quieea bit and ruined my relationships with others.

All I would say is try not to delve into all existential thought while having dpdr. I know it might be hard, it was so for me. But if you insted focus on geting help with This condition your thought will sourt themselves out. 
Thats what happened to me at least. My brain was Kinda distorting reality and made me act strangely in the eyes of person without dpdr. 
Ehh, takes so long to recover. But the thought will sort themselves out once the brain will recover.


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## AlPal24 (Mar 23, 2020)

Thank you so much for your response! I agree, I hope it just takes time and rest for everything to slowly go away.


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

Do they offer pottery classes at your university? Sometimes it does a man good to get his hands in the mud.


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## AlPal24 (Mar 23, 2020)

I wish they did have it but they unfortunately do not. I played basketball last semester yet now we are being quarantined and I will be home for this current semester.

Any tips on what to do with the existential / solipsistic thoughts? Is this normal? Will they eventually stop posing a threat to me?


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I've read the definition of solipism several times, but its meaning escapes me. I was fearful of the concept of death at 8 years of age. I guess I had a normal fear of it as a young adult.

I went through 40 years of recurrent major depression, anxiety and severe insomnia as well as other minor psychiatric symptoms and comparitively I would classify dp/dr as minor complications.

I was doing some panic shopping with a few other shoppers at the supermarket this afternoon, and I was engaged by a fellow who wanted to know if I was saved, and did I believe jesus died

for my sins, and on and on about the promise for everlasting life etc. I had the time, so I let the guy go on proseletyzing, but at one point I had to stop him and tell him.

I don't fear death anymore. The hook in your spiel is predicated on my fear of death, and I don't have one. Good day, sir.

And, that's how it is for me. I'm 65. If I was 20 again and didn't know better, I would probably fight for my life. Since I've lived it, I can take it or leave it.

The passage of time will change your existential point of view.


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## AlPal24 (Mar 23, 2020)

Thank you I definitely understand what you mean. My therapist said it will take time and my thoughts are not psychotic. I really think the concept of solipsism is absurd. I simply have the fear of being alone. Solipsism and the thought of everyone being a p-zombie besides me obviously makes me feel alone. Do you think these thoughts cause me anxiety / fear because of my sensitivity from the events that happened and dpdr?


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