# Why do I exist?



## Whitehazel (Jun 14, 2011)

If I could sum up exactly how I feel at the moment it would be:

"what the **** is going on?"

Seriously. Why am I here? What am I?

I keep feeling ok then suddenly it hits me and I completely freak out. I have no idea what I am or why I am here? I feel so panicky and DPed that I can't even look past these thoughts. I obsess about them and right now feel like how can I ever ever not feel scared about it?








what is happening to me? Will I ever feel ok again? Sometimes I feel so hopefull and then as I said suddenly I'm like woah wait! What the heck???

Ahhhhh....


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## isthisit (Sep 15, 2011)

Whitehazel said:


> If I could sum up exactly how I feel at the moment it would be:
> 
> "what the **** is going on?"
> 
> ...


White Hazel , i get the exact same thing.
Its all anxiety I know its hard to believe and sometimes it is for me too but its anxiety creating those thoughts. It knows how to get at us by firing these thoughts at us because it gets a reaction.
Sometimes I am too so hopeful and then im talkig laughing etc and I get a though ' Woah Im a human , im looking out a pair of eyes what the hell am i ' what makes everyone everyone ' etc etc etc . 
I get really aware of being inside my own head its weird but I really have a lot more peace in knowing this is anziety and diverting the mind is how we deal with it when yo ufeel the thought coming in distract yourself , even make the thought sound ridiculous in your head and try and laugh at it , anxiety nothing more the less we react the more of general anxiety will go down and less of these thoughts will come to mind , we have to retrain our thoughts i know its hard and its a bad bad habit we got ourselves into by allowing them get such a reaction but we gotta give it our best shot !


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## Whitehazel (Jun 14, 2011)

Thank you so much. That is the most comforting reply I have ever had. To know someone knows exactly what I mean.

I have felt extremely panicky for 2 weeks and last night had the worst panic attack I've had for a while now. I'm in pretty bad shape at the moment and am in such horrible moods!! People keep asking me what's wrong which makes me panic more because then I think "oh Jesus! What is happening to me?? Other people are noticing"


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

I feel pretty much exactly the same, especially in the mornings. I constantly try and figure out what is wrong with me and why I feel this way. I get the same panicky thoughts too, it's the worst experience ever. I have the same thought about how can i never not be scared of it. To me its like once you've seen something you can't unsee it. Its so weird how I can be ok for a little while and be fairly positive and then I remember I haven't thought about how I feel so I go straight back into the DP mindset!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Whitehazel u sound exactly like me !!!' if u have recovered a lil since then lemme know xxx


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Whitehazel u sound exactly like me !!!' if u have recovered a lil since then lemme know xxx


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks for describing it like that. I can totally relate! That obsessive rumination stuff will start to calm down, and I'll start thinking, "Hey, I'm getting better," then it will just lurch back in, and seem sometimes like it's worse than ever. A therapist a few years ago told me something that's been helping me to not get so discouraged about that, which is this idea of homeostasis, basically that the brain seeks to stay the same, so it will "correct" progress that I make in order to get back toward where it was before. But it's still progress--2 steps forward, 1 step back. I forget that pretty much every time that 1 step back happens, though


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

omg same! i jsut feel like omg here we go again its never gonna get better.. i feel so confused ad to wat i am who i am why im here what the hell am i supposed to be doin.,. did u have all the symptoms bout feeling like u just realized the world is a joke or that its just a pointless game and stuff.. i dunno how that thought process could be corrected


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

omg same! i jsut feel like omg here we go again its never gonna get better.. i feel so confused ad to wat i am who i am why im here what the hell am i supposed to be doin.,. did u have all the symptoms bout feeling like u just realized the world is a joke or that its just a pointless game and stuff.. i dunno how that thought process could be corrected


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## Whitehazel (Jun 14, 2011)

Hi there!

I am actually feeling a little better recently. I still get (what I call) self awareness shocks. When I freak out for a second about existance and how freaking odd if is. But I'm not in a constant state of panic like I was.

I have started a boot camp 3 times a week! I hear exercise helps a lot so I will keep you all posted









Good luck everyone







keep your chins up x I believe we will get better!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

fantastic im glad to hear... ye i have same.. i will have moments im ok then i will be like wtf am i doin here and in this body.. tell me sum of the weird thoughts u had.. wanna know if i can relate.. its so maddening..


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## Whitehazel (Jun 14, 2011)

Um I just can't comprehend existance. I tell my boyfriend that it makes me anxious because I have no idea why we are here, how or anything.

He tells me to just not think about it because I am here now! And he finds it all fascinating where as it freaks the hell out of me.

I can't just accept it. I hope one day I can! But at the moment I find everything weird like a dream, like this reality is in my head and even you dont exist. Which is weird because why would I respond if I didn't somewhere KNOW that you are just like me. Anxious about existance.

I can't really socialize very much, work is hard and to not feel completely depressed is hard. Everyday I panic because suddenly I go woah wait what the hell is going on?? Why are you here? Why am I here?? I am scared of going out in case I freak out (which has actually never happened in front of people)

I have never thought about life this deeply before and to be honest I wish I didn't! I was so happy before, drank, hung out with friends, was NORMAL... Now a good day is a day where the thoughts don't plague my mind 100% of the time.

I hope you can relate because I know how comforting it is to know your not alone! No matter how much your head makes you feel like your in a dream an foggy, know that I am alive.. Dealing with the same things.. Sitting at my desk at work, zoning out but to everyone else I seem fine!









Your not alone! We are all in this completely odd absurd world together.. All we can do is try to push through it!







hope your all ok xxx


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

whitehazel... i am the same.. and my bf doesnt understand either.. like i dont know why anything is anything.. and why i have to do this thing called ''life'' its not the way it used to be.. its strange now.. and frightening... its like my foundation of who i am and my home safety net is gone. and im in nothingness acting my way thru the day.. mimicing the person ppl think i am... i walk i cry i laugh i eat and i do things normally.. but i dont know why, or how i know how to do them.. i feel like we are just here to die... like i get such a depressed feeling in my tummy wen i think that this is all jsut a meaningless game.. and somehow it feels like it could end any second.. its shakey and not safe like before.... but my therepist told me that i feels these things because it distracts me from wat is really wrong underneath because its too painful to deal with.. a part of ur mind knows this is real... and knows that things are normal.. but because we are anxious ur brain attatches thoughts to the feelings.. and thoughts such as existence are perfect because they cant be answered. which frightens us because we want control. yano? like we are experiencing extreme anxiety and sadness. and these questions are our way of coping.. like if this isnt real then u dont have to feel the pain. yano? a part of u wishes it wasnt real because the feelings are aqll too scarey.. i hope im making sense... xxxxxxxx


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## Whitehazel (Jun 14, 2011)

That does make sense actually. An interesting point of view... I figure if thats the case then there must be a way out?

I'll keep trying to find it! Because deep down I still want the things I have always wanted like kids, a house that I own, marriage etc... Somewhere inside me I MUST still be there


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## MobiusX (Jul 27, 2010)

I'm forced to pretend to live every day


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

yes deep down u are there... and we all are.. just a little in pain and scared at the moment.. iw ant all nice things too .. but then i think why do i want that.. am i wired this way? wow im a human and supposed to do all the stuff wtf! ya get me? its like i have to pretend i think its normal that i exist.. but it freaks me out!


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## Whitehazel (Jun 14, 2011)

Yeah me too. It is completely overwhelming. But I kind of look at it this way..

I've been alive for 24 years.. Every day is the same. As in I wake up and yesterday happened.. Same memories, same job, same problems... I am obviously HERE wherever HERE is.. It keeps me grounded knowing whatever is going on is actually happening even though it really makes me panic.

Does that make sense?

Now my fear is that I will think about this so much I will go crazy! Can this happen? I'm so worried. But then I think, why am I worried? What is normal anyway? Why? Etc...

I think if I got rid of anxiety/OCD and depersonalisation I would never think about these things.. Just wouldn't matter! I would be too busy focusing on life. So that's why I'm doing boot camp! Perhaps if I get my anxiety under control the rest will fall into place









Ah who knows... So confused and anxious


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

_"what the **** is going on?"

Seriously. Why am I here? What am I?_

Chill. You have a bit part in my staged reality. It's a speaking part. What more could you ask for? <groan>


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