# An Update!



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi everyone!

I used to live on this forum a long time ago. I'm not sure anyone remembers me anymore on here, which is fine. Just thought I'd do an update on my situation. Hopefully someone can find it helpful.

SO I got hit with severe dp in 2008, a month after giving birth to my second child. I was very scared after having him, as I felt tired (duh), foggy, and convinced myself it felt like I was losing myself in some weird way. I started having panic attacks.

I'd already experienced 2 years of dp when I was 16-18, and a brief period of 2 months before getting pregnant, so with this fresh in my mind I was sure life would fall apart at the worst possible moment.. And I was right. Because I made it right.

I scared myself senseless, and one night I had so severe anxiety I ended up on the veranda, throwing up, smoking cigarettes to try and calm down, shaking, crying, freaking out, and then going to the E.R with amnesia.

No one believed me when I told them my memory was gone, which was awful. As I panicked, I felt my memory go, and ended up not knowing where I was or who anyone was, at least not emotionally. I was so detached I felt like I'd just landed on Earth, in the middle of a life with beings (my family) I knew nothing about. If you are a doctor reading this: DP HAS A REAL, PHYSICAL EFFECT ON THE BRAIN. Yes, the brain shuts down some neural pathways. Fortunately, here is where my update gets better; They grow back.

I willingly committed myself to a psych ward after four months with a feeling worse than Hell. I had a constant feeling of being in my childhood home, I felt like in a dream, like I couldn't orientate inside a room (or outside), I felt nothing on my body (hot, cold, touch), I felt like myself and other humans were one being, like I was a speck of light in a huge black void, I lost tons of weight.

After being away from home for 4 weeks, the weird sensation of being in my parents old house was gone, which proved to me that my brain learns, and unlearns, whatever I feed it.

Unfortunately/fortunately my eldest son started school when I was at my worst. I had no choice but to take him there and pick him up, every freaking day. It was just horrible. I was so lost in dp. BUT, eventually, things started to get better. As things got better, I started preferring to be outside. I walked every day for hours! My lifelong anxiety for the outdoors and people went away as a nice bi product of this period. I began to see things more clearly and discovered I needed minerals. Like, seriously. Magnesium industrial strength.

And all the other ones. Every day, twice a day. And I started to eat healthier. I then realized I needed to sleep and rest a LOT more.

I was a machine with dp, a robot with superhuman stamina. I stopped walking and started to rest, rest, rest. And then I started to stretch. This small step was a huge one, my body was finally coming back to life and my emotions slowly returned. I felt more integrated in myself. I did struggle heavily with flashbacks from dreams and all sorts of memories during this period of about a year, and a feeling of having different perception of reality every single day. I can't say when it stopped, it just did thankfully.

This has been a long journey, it still continues. Some days I don't even think about dp (that much), and I'm able to do what I want most of the time. My feelings are normal, my sleep, appetite, perception, everything is pretty much normal again. I do have anxieties and I'm not sure I'm 100% back to being me, which is a neurotic hang-up I am trying to get past. I have to remind myself I was very ill a short while ago, and that it's a miracle I'm this good now. And it will get better still, I'm sure of it.

At one point when my inner being was all scrambled up, I made the decision not to hold on to my "self" or what I though my "self" was anymore. I kept trying to think my way back, but I realized I didn't really remember what life felt like, so I gave it up. I also though that, seeing how I've always been anxious in a lot of areas in life, I might as well start from scratch. With that I don't mean you lose yourself, you are never lost, I mean I started to look calmly at memories and experience, even the old really scary ones, and rid myself of the fear I had connected to them. I think some of you understand. It was difficult, but now I am more secure in my being than I ever was, I have no ghosts hidden, I am free. I can start with a clean slate, letting my brain heal from the breakdown and taking the time it needs.

A lot of the healing is purely physical, and your brain will heal on it's own if you stop poking at it.

I've always tried very hard to only look at certain parts of myself, only have certain memories and the rest I've fiercely suppressed.

This has obviously been more exhausting than I was aware of when I was "well", and I think in a way dp was inevitable. I might have avoided it if I knew more about what dp really was/is, so I wasn't so scared of dp sensations, and I might have been fine if I'd dared look at my memories before it hit full force. But then again, that in itself might have caused dp. Who knows.

I wish all of you the very best, remember dp is to a large degree physical, no matter what those knucklehead psychiatrists tell us. But your thoughts have tremendous power over your brain chemistry, and your brain will rearrange it's furniture accordingly. Make sure you do good things, and you will think good, and you will feel good in the end. Surround yourself with nice people and nature, and pat yourself on the back for being as brave as you are.

Hugs*

Oh, and keep trying new things; you will never know what works for you until you've done it!

Note to friends and relatives; Dp is the worst thing anyone can possibly go through. It's unlike anything you've ever experienced. People who suffer from this, need time, patience and understanding. Quiet, calm energy, tons of love.


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## drew-uk (May 22, 2009)

I remember following your story a few years back, i think your picture was princess leia, its so great that you have found some peace. Your story has some aspects i can really relate to and it gives me such hope you found your way through the darkest nights.

Peace,

Drew


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Thank you guys. Yes, I do believe I was princess Leia for a while

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. I got this at 29. I've lost so much, most of all time with my youngest son. It hurts pretty bad. On the other hand, I've been given a lot, and I've had some wonderful times. I've met people I'd never met if it wasn't for this condition, and I've appreciated every single moment with my sons in a way I wouldn't have if I didn't know how horrible it feels to not feel anything.

Have a good day everyone


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