# Telltale Signs That You Lack Emotional Intelligence



## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

Good article on EQ..

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/telltale-signs-you-lack-emotional-intelligence-dr-travis-bradberry


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## JuniperFlame (Nov 25, 2016)

Thanks for this article - this was a good read.

I always thought I was very in touch with my emotions. Now that I'm struggling with this disorder, I've realized how out of touch I actually am. I have pretty much all of the signs this article talks about. Woops! Lol.

I've heard the DPD is related to emotional abuse. Lacking emotional intelligence is also a sign of emotional abuse. I wonder if there's a relationship there.


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

I assumed I was in touch with my emotions as well until I stared seeing a trauma counsellor about 6 years ago. One of the first things she asked me was 'how are you feeling today?" I just looked at her with a blank expression. I had no idea what she was talking about. With a little help from her I realised I had virtually no connection with my emotions at all. I didn't feel anything... Not long after that we started talking about 'dissociation' and the way in which dissociation can detach or disconnect people from their emotions. It was quickly apparent I was not only disconnected from my emotions, I was disconnected from my feelings, intuition, sense of self, certain memories, often my environment as well, and the list went on...

I've seen a 3 amazing dissociation aware therapists over the years and according to all of them - over 90% of people who walk through their doors (seeking therapy for any of the dissociative disorders) have a past riddled with trauma... At first it's not obvious to either the patient or the practitioner, but it becomes very obvious after a short while in therapy... The thing is.... a dissociative patient is very adept at 'hiding' trauma, even from themselves.

Trauma can come from from many different sources - natural disasters can be traumatic, emotional, mental and physical abuse can easily be traumatic, sexual abuse is always traumatic. Life and some of the shite life throws at us can be traumatic - loosing loved ones from instance - accidents, health problems etc. Many things can traumatise us -particularly when we're young - even being left alone. People who tend to dissociate often have no way of processing trauma except 'storing it away' behind dissociative walls and 'forgetting' about it. The problem is though, those walls eventually break down releasing the memories and also, dissociative people don't process traumas the same way as 'normal' people do - they avoid processing traumas - which basically means the trauma sits inside of them negatively affecting how they feel. Unprocessed traumas set up subconscious phobias, fears and anxiety which can have awful effects on our lives... And until we deal with it all, it's going to sit there making our lives hell..


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## Newchie97 (Sep 11, 2016)

Damn i have nearly every sign except for a couple.


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

Newchie97 said:


> Damn i have nearly every sign except for a couple.


It may seem like an awful affliction but really it's not. You'd be surprised how many people in this world are detached from their feelings and emotions. Western males are masters of disconnection.

It's quite possible to re-attach to those things we feel disconnected from. The first and hardest part of the challenge is to actually see that we're disconnected in the first place!

My therapist used to give me exercises to help me re-attach to my feelings and emotions. She'd tell me to sit down, take a deep breath and try to identify any feelings or emotions I might have in my body. Without intellectualising those feelings she'd suggest to just sit there quietly and see whereabouts in my body they were and what they felt like (ie tight or painful or tingling etc). I learnt to be curious - non judgmental.

After doing this exercise of re-attachment for a few months, we began to talk about what those feelings and emotions were telling me. For instance I started to identify I was feeling anxious by the feelings of tightness in my chest and the shallow breaths I was taking. I also started to identify the feeling of dissociating as well, which was a particular feeling in my head, a tightness often accompanied by a feeling of being in an elevator..

From there I learnt how important these feelings were to navigating my way successfully through life. Feelings, emotions, intuition and intelligence are all important resources in navigating and steering ourselves successfully through live.. Unfortunately dissociative people are often so disconnected they solely rely on intelligence to navigate life.. resulting in many avoidable poor decisions. I bet we all have a list of some of the poorer of choices we've made - I know I certainly do!!


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

I learnt feelings and emotions weren't the ememy - I learnt they were there to help me.

I don't see anxiety or depression or dissociation as awful afflictions I must get rid of. After all they're all natural responses. It's only western medicine which sees these natural feelings and emotions (and all the other uncomfortable feelings and emotions) as 'the enemy' to be gotten rid of. These uncomfortable natural responses as warning signs that somethings wrong and needs to be addressed - much as in the same way a feeling of 'fear' represents danger. The greater the danger to survival - the more intense and overbearing these responses will become.

Reframing how I look at my natural responses has been one of the most beneficial things I have done for my recovery from the dissociative issues. I don't see my natural responses of anxiety, depression, dissociation etc as being 'disorders'. If anything they're warning signs that something needs to be worked on and understood. Unfortunately western medicine sees our natural responses as illnesses that need to be treated and removed without even looking for what caused these responses in the first place! Most of the treatments really are like putting a bandaid on a broken arm.....


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

Great article and thread. This is so pertinent to so many people on this board.

I'm the same way as Zed. I had no clue about anything going on inside my head until I went to a therapist. I thought my life was relatively normal even though I always knew I struggled mightily with emotions and anxiety. It wasn't until I saw a shrink that I totally broke that protective wall down inside my head and became open to the idea that my life wasn't exactly how I perceived it, that I did suffer serious trauma and that my parents are incredibly flawed people with a codependant marriage that's cost me and my sibling dearly.

I really believe many people with DP come from families with emotionally immature parents. "Feeling Unreal" says much of DP lies in rejection and I totally saw this in my own life as my father -- and emotionally immature person -- essentially neglected and mistreated me when I was an infant. He too has dissociative techniques of shunning trauma and has all the hallmarks of an emotionally unintelligent person. I think I learned to dissociate from him, that I couldn't be loved since he treated me like an object and not a person (hence, "depersonalization") and so on down the line.

Anyway, I could go on about this but I'd advise anyone who suspects they suffer from this issue or have parents who may be emotionally unintelligent to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

No kidding, this book totally changed my life and altered the way I see my father and family forever. It was like the "aha" moment where I just realized how much everything suddenly made sense.


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