# New to the forum. Sufferer of DP/DR for 10 years (off and on)



## littlebatfeet (Jul 21, 2015)

Hello,

Here is my story. Warning: there may be some "trigger" moments because I do recount how some of these events went down. Just a heads up.

I first experienced DP/DR when I was 18. It was right after three deaths had occurred within months of each other, two of them were family friends and one was my grandfather, who I was close to.

I don't remember crying much, but I remember thinking and thinking about how it didn't make sense that they were alive, and now completely gone. I am a ruminator and I do obsess, which is what I think led to the depersonalization. I thought these thoughts (existential questions, feeling unreal, questioning how my eyes worked - everything freaked me out), might be normal "typical teenager" thoughts, as I was in my senior year of high school.

I took anti-depressants (Wellbutrin) in mid 2006, but I gained weight and it made me feel worse. A trip to Key West with my mom and some relatives really helped me feel alive again.

I was "cured" until 2011.

Between 2006 and 2011, I had experienced an abortion (2008), mom being thrown in jail multiple times (shoplifting), relationship breakups, my father cheating on my mom (I worked for him and his friends would leave voicemails about my dads girlfriend... but he would deny it), and my brother and I didn't get along. Somehow none of these things caused the DP again. Although devastating, I was able to get through these events by crying, writing, talking to friends, family, etc.

I dated a lot in 2010 after getting out of a bad relationship, and I had a good time but I felt a little out of control. I was working full-time at a good job, going downtown, having a blast - living on my own for once. After the new year of 2011, I started feeling lonely. Things slowed down a lot. And then I met my now boyfriend, who was married at the time. His marriage had been suffering for almost two years, and it seems I showed up at the perfect/worst time. Dealing with my parents divorce, cleaning the house after my dad moved out (my mom was/is a hoarder and let the dogs pee everywhere - hard to clean!), dealing with my boyfriends divorce and the selling and cleaning of HIS house - I think this is when I finally caved. We moved in two months after dating, and I remember watching a documentary of an event I've been wanting to go to for YEARS, but I remember looking at everyones smiles and costumes and thinking, "What's the point? We're all gonna die anyway."

A few days later, something snapped. I felt a downward spiral in the most real way I've ever felt anything. I felt confused, outside of my body, observing myself.. my voice felt like it was being projected and coming out seconds after I would say it....

It felt like when I would talk to someone, there were multiple TV's floating around blaring images and audio at me. It was hard to concentrate and all I could think about was "What's the point?" I should mention that I was - and still am - terrified to die. This wasn't a "Life sucks, I should end it." It was an absolutely terrifying feeling of purgatory... stuck in hell on Earth I suppose. I should also mention I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual in a sense and believe in some kind of God. It's diminished more in the past few years due to this suffering... and my inability to quit questioning. I'm also pretty realistic and skeptical of religion.

I moved across the country from my hometown for the first time at the age of 25 (2013). It was devastating. I missed some family and friends like I'm sure most do after a big move. I lived with my boyfriends dad who was not welcoming at all. It was his house, and I was grateful, but I didn't have any real personal space. Needless to say, after a 3 week trip to Europe (which was stressful in it's own right... I was scared of pickpockets, our travel partners were needy and rushed all the time, I am scared of flying and trains and... elevators breaking on the Eiffel Tower, you name it! Silly I guess, but it all felt real.)

My first real panic attack took place right after the trip. My friends mom had just died, and it was due to a rumored aneurysm. I have always suffered from migraines so I kept thinking about it. "What if I had an aneurysm? Maybe that's why I have migraines! The whole world will go black. I'll never see my friends or family again." Needless to say, I was closing at work one night when all of a sudden I felt like I had a gun pointed at my head. Fear. Shot through my veins. I had tunnel vision, and it felt like a dream. I thought 100% that I was dying. These were the last moments of my life.

Normally, if I felt anxious or scared, I would call my boyfriend, read a book, light a candle, etc. This time was different. I was dying (or so I thought). I grabbed for the phone with my numb fingers and was barely able to dial 911. My co-worker was very confused since nothing had happened.. that he could see. The ambulance came, they checked my vitals, and said I was 100% fine. Asked if I had anxiety. They suggested I go to the doctors the next day and take the next steps there. I was so disappointed... they left me! I felt abandoned. For sure something was wrong, why didn't they help me? I spent the next few days ruminating over what had happened and thought for sure it was something physical. I got on anti-depressants just in case, spent hours calling doctors and setting up appointments, scheduled an MRI, etc etc. Everything was FINE.

This didn't make sense to me. So it must be all mental... Ok, so I'm crazy. This is where I started to think that I might be schizophrenic, bipolar, etc. Nope. Now, I must be unreal. That's right. This is all a dream. None of this makes sense! I am a smart person, great grades in school (I know my grammer is terrible throughout this whole story, but it's how I feel it), a researcher by nature.... Life isn't real.

It would go away, come back, go away. I would work out and it would help. I moved back to my hometown which helped a bit. Still had bad moments. I've been back a year and I still have bad moments. Sometimes they last a few days, a few weeks, a month. Decemeber of 2014 was the worst. I didn't know where my own thoughts were coming from. I felt like a robot, like someone in space or somewhere was controlling my everything thought. But then, who made them? I felt like I was going to "fall out my head". I couldn't handle it. I read that if you think you're going crazy, you're not. That comforted me a bit.

I haven't found my cure. I have been "good" for a few months now, but I still obsess about aging and dying, and feel insecute about myself, my life... everything. I worry all the time.

On the other hand, I talk to my friends about depression - and they say I help! I spend time helping a vet friend of mine get medical assistance for depression. I offer advice. I read, I take trips, I eat good food, I drink good tea... but I feel like something is missing. Also, that I might slip into DP anytime. And that scares me to death. It's the worst feeling in the world. I would rather have a limb cut off than deal with this - seriously.

I am sharing because I want to actually join a forum and maybe offer advice, but I'd love to see what others do to get by. I feel like I've tried everything. Meditation doesn't work for me, writing and reading can only do so much, seeing friends is OK sometimes, I've seen therapists, psychologists, thrown myself into art, work, etc. I can't function like a normal person with this.... disease. Whatever it is.

Thanks for reading....


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## AmIreallyme (Jul 23, 2015)

You seem like a thinker for sure, I too am here for support and to help anyone I can in any way. I wish I could offer you a better response but all I can say is that these experiences ARE NOT permanent. I still haven't figured out if my personal experience Im having is good for me or bad, but it wont be forever. All i know is that its not what IM used to and Im not going to let it beat me. Im sure you wont let it beat you either, you sound like a very strong person. The most important part is not giving up.


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## ChristinaNicole (Dec 19, 2015)

Reading this helped me tremendously. I'm 18 years old and I just started feeling this way last week and I have no idea why. I'm at the point where I think I'm dying. The thought pops into my head every single day. I'm losing feeling in my body, like its shutting down. When I laugh at something funny it's only for a short period of time. When I hurt my self the pain and emotions go away within a second, it's really hard to explain. my reflexes are a lot slower, staring off into space a lot and my head feels funny (no headaches). Does depersonalization cause physical illness?


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## Bedinus80 (Nov 14, 2015)

This post is very interesting, because I was 19 when I first had DR. It was "only" anxiety and DR, no DP and no panic. I can't mention reasons for that (no death, no broken relationship, no family troubles etc.). I didn't know what was wrong with me (it was in 1999, I could not google it), i really thought I was crazy and I was terrified. After a couple of months, I got used to it and after 10-12 months it completely went away, I was 100% cured.

The second round came in 2005, I was 25 then. I started to get anxious some times for nothing. Then one day, out of the blue, I had a very bad panic attack while I was driving on the motorway. This was very similar to yours: suddenly I felt hot in my body, then that awful fear ran through my body, I had tunnel vision and felt that tha whole world is closing and I would die in the next moment. Of course I didn't die, but I was terrified of this experience. I thought I had a brain tumor or something. This attack was so terrifying, that after this I was thinking about is 0/24 and of course, it happened again and again. And than, DP and DR came whith all symptoms what you can imagine. I was so deep in my mind, and I really thought I was crazy. Then after surfing in the net, I realized that I had panic attacks and what is this DP/DR thing. I felt awful for 6 months, but after it got better and after a year I was OK again.

Interesting, that after that (2006-2015) I had a divorce, deaths, very deep downs in my life but I had never had anxiety and DP/DR.

Until now. Because I have this whole thing - anxiety, panic attack, DP/DR, depression - again since 3 months. OK, I can say that I had a very big stress in my life since april, so probably it was the reason now.

I was diagnosed as a bipolar II. My doctor says, when I have "downs", I suffer from anxiety (thats true), which cause DP/DR.

(sorry for my english, I am hungarian)


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## Bedinus80 (Nov 14, 2015)

King Elliott said:


> It makes me laugh when people apologise for their English after they write a long post in perfect English.


 Is it perfect? I am glad to hear this, because maybe it means that I am able to focus on other things than my DP/DR


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## Bluey (Oct 28, 2015)

Is this being published in hardback?


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## ChristinaNicole (Dec 19, 2015)

It's been about a year now, some days are worse than others. I feel like I'm slowly fading away into a coma. I've had some strange symptoms: shortness of breath, pulsating in head, tingling in upper abdomen, vertigo on and off and recently, draining in my throat (guessing sinus). I'm scared but I don't feel an adrenaline rush at all. My body doesn't respond to things like it use to. I keep telling myself "stop worrying it's just anxiety." But the thought of me dying keeps popping up in my head. I don't know when or why this began. I live with my mom and her boyfriend, who both smoke inside (her boyfriend a lot more than she does) and too other siblings. I don't know why I can't say anything about it, I think about it everyday. At any point one of them can have a heart attack or lung cancer and it'll be my fault because I didn't say anything. I don't expect my siblings to because they're the youngest and I have more responsibility. I know I can talk to my grandmother about it but why am I so nervous??? I've never been like this before. Am I supposed to due from secondhand smoke after all these years (since I was in the second grade, stopped during pregnancy with brother and sister but started back again while they were 8 as well).where is the depersonalization coming from?? I know what anxiety and panic attacks feel like, I don't think this is it. Something in my mind keeps denying it and I keep convincing myself it's anxiety


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