# Working on finding my aliveness



## Path (Sep 19, 2015)

I posted this in Discussion, but then realized maybe it belongs more in "Recovery Stories". Not sure though, because I am not "recovered" and I don't really see recovery as something that has an end point. But maybe it is relevant to some people who are looking for "Recovery Stories", so here it is:

Everyone's experience is different, but maybe some of you can relate.

Some of us here are relatively "high functioning", at least by external measures--we have jobs, families, relationships, what appear to others to be rich and full lives. And yet despite all of that, we experience such profound internal chaos, fear, and alienation from ourselves and our own lives that we have a hard time believing that this "external life" is really our life.

This can be especially true because we are feeling high levels of depersonalization and/or derealization and yet the people around us, even those we interact with quite intimately, have no clue how WRONG we are feeling. They may perceive us as distracted, spacey, or somewhat anxious or depressed, but they cannot perceive the degree of inner hell we are navigating through, all alone.

For a time, I descended into believing that my externally functioning self was a false self, a robotic approximation or projection of a person, not a real person. I believed this because the person I felt inside, the one that was not functioning, the one that felt so completely alone, trapped on a wrong plane of existence, felt so real, so complete, like the "real me" that nobody could see.

Now, I am in a different place. That does not mean I am "recovered". There is a lot of discussion here of "recovery". I have come to feel that recovery is not just about the terrible sensations of DP/DR going away. It is also about changing the relationships between different parts of ourselves. I still have terrible sensations of DP/DR. But I am beginning to see that that is just one part of me.

The part of me that knows how to function in the outside world is also real. It's not a robot, approximation, or projection. It's all real. None of it (deadness, aliveness, connection, disconnection, functioning, nonfunctioning, hope, hopelessness) is more real or less real. None of it is the "real me" or the "false me". It's all me, even though it still doesn't feel like it is. And it's confusing as hell.

But by beginning to believe in the part of me that actually knows how to live and be part of this world, channeling incrementally more energy and awareness toward that part (or parts), acknowledging it, honoring it, I can slowly begin to generate a bit more life force, recognizing that this life force has been inside me all along. This can be as simple as: "My mind is telling me that I am dead. I feel dead inside. But look. I am here. My feet are on the ground. These are MY feet. Now I am touching my face. Those are MY hands, that is MY face." This body is actually living a life. My challenge is to learn how to internally show up for that external, physical life, more of the time. And it's hard, and sometimes seems impossible, when I I am feeling most dead and most far away from this world. But that's what I'm trying.

Again, I'm not writing any of this to suggest that this is everyone's experience or situation here on this forum. This is just my experience. But based on some of the things I've read here, I'm guessing some of you can relate. When I first started coming here, I was fully convinced that Derpersonalization Derealization Disorder was the most accurate description of my experience. It took some time and some work to understand that, at least in the framework of DSM-V, it's more like OSDD-1a (chronic and recurrent mixed dissociative symptoms with an "identity disturbance associated with less-than-marked discontinuities in sense of self and agency"-- less-than-marked, as compared with DID, that is).

I'd be interested in connecting with others here who are working towards recovery along these lines, and also hearing from you all about how this may be similar or different from your own experience and recovery path.


----------



## TK! (Nov 24, 2016)

I've been doing something similar. I've had DR for 3 months and sometime last month I officially forgot what it felt like to be normal. With that came pretty strong feelings of derealization as I no longer had a link to normal life. What helped get me through that phase, and future strong dr feelings, is connecting my current situation with past events. For example when I'm at work and it doesn't seem real, I think to myself "Ok, I'm at work right now and I'm here because I definitely interviewed for this position and the interview ACTUALLY HAPPENED and I got the interview because I DEFINITELY applied back in April when I was looking for work. These all must have happened for me to be here right now" Just like connecting my current situation to past events that logically must have happened helps me connect myself to who I used to be, my sense of identity, and the fact that time is still passing no matter how strange I feel.


----------



## partiedtoohard (Feb 24, 2016)

That was well written indeed. Thank you for your input.

I am coming up on almost a year after having a major panic attack after smoking. I have been though quite a lot.

I did notice a lot how we could on the outside act just as normal but inside be at constant war with our minds. I remember asking a few close friends " don't I seem different to you at all?" just to reassure myself. Thats how I think we get the "robotic" feelings, because we are struggling to make things right in our minds, but our motor skills go on as normal.

I think a big key is what you have pointed out, becoming one with everything and centering ourselfs. I believe this might be why mediation helps for many people.


----------



## Axiom (Jul 25, 2016)

I have mostly identified my outward persona as part of myself but viewed it more akin to one's relationship with their autonomic nervous system. Necessary and connected, yet markedly distinct from my conscious self. While I am (extremely) conscious of my external projection there is a clear lack of presence. It sounds like what you're doing is bringing presence to that alienated part and "re-personalizing".

My general goals for recovery are to decrease both my stress level and the amount of thoughts circling in my head. In my view, my thoughts act like a filter through which the world is refined through. Instead of really seeing/feeling/hearing/smelling/tasting something, it's converted into thought form. Essentially, into words. The direct experience is lost and replaced with bullet points of information. Additionally, I get swept up into compulsive thought loops which further separate me from my body and all of its sensations. Because stress feeds into all of this, it's important for me to manage it as well.

I also believe that it's on us to initiate the change we want. It's hard to work directly against how you feel, but perhaps when we manually change our relationship toward those alienated parts of ourselves, our thoughts and feelings will be forced to follow. Lately, I think I've been waiting on my lifestyle/meds/time to change how I feel but your post makes me want to take the initiative. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Axiom said:


> I have mostly identified my outward persona as part of myself but viewed it more akin to one's relationship with their autonomic nervous system. Necessary and connected, yet markedly distinct from my conscious self. While I am (extremely) conscious of my external projection there is a clear lack of presence. It sounds like what you're doing is bringing presence to that alienated part and "re-personalizing".
> 
> My general goals for recovery are to decrease both my stress level and the amount of thoughts circling in my head. In my view, my thoughts act like a filter through which the world is refined through. Instead of really seeing/feeling/hearing/smelling/tasting something, it's converted into thought form. Essentially, into words. The direct experience is lost and replaced with bullet points of information. Additionally, I get swept up into compulsive thought loops which further separate me from my body and all of its sensations. Because stress feeds into all of this, it's important for me to manage it as well.
> 
> I also believe that it's on us to initiate the change we want. It's hard to work directly against how you feel, but perhaps when we manually change our relationship toward those alienated parts of ourselves, our thoughts and feelings will be forced to follow. Lately, I think I've been waiting on my lifestyle/meds/time to change how I feel but your post makes me want to take the initiative. Thanks for sharing.


That was so on point! There's so much filtering going on between reality and my inner experience, it loses its importance and real meaning.....


----------

