# ........



## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Worse than rigamortis thats been put through the microwave ....but the reasons are unimportant.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

A plane just crashed into my house and killed me...but the reasons are unimportant.
WTF?


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Well if youre dead I suppose it is unimportant..........and yes WTF?...WTF. a question i keep asking myself today.


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Why... why why of the why of the why why?

Easy to get confused when asking why of why isn't it?


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Why=yhw....my brain feels like melted marshmellow....I dont know I think my brain is forever unforgiving of me,i have screwed with it to much and now its wires have blown forever....maybe ill never be completly right ever again.


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Is "right/correctness" the past to you... how you once felt? Maybe that in fact is "wrong". I know you know what you need... you're a smart mofo. You need to feel good, at peace "now" at this very moment... the past is the past... although your mind's state has placed you in your foggy past. Wait till tomorrow... you know it's another day... another balance shift.


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Im not stuck in the past Darren...and never said I was ,im not sure how you arrived at that conclusion since i didnt even mention it.I dunno,im up and down more than a ..i dunno ..a dildo on a spring :? ..When im up its like ive taken speed when i go down its exactly like a drug come down in its worst times and its not often like this.....its biological,brain chemistry not psychological...it screws with my thought patterns.my memory my concertration....my routine[what is one of those] is non existent....i crashed really hard thats all.alot fucking harder than usual,im even derealised.I went "up" didnt sleep for two days then only slept for 4 hours yesturday afternoon and two hours this afternoon....im not depressed,pissed off perhaps but still kinda up.....just really fucking weird,i hate the weirdness....Tired but unable to sleep properly still.It is about now in the sence that ive worked on my psychological stuff but am still left "unstable" as such.....yeah tommorow is another day...woo hoo..


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

)))Big hugs(((


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Thanks though I doubt very much that you mean them........genuine friendship does it exist?...im sick of being treated like shit by people who i think are suppsed to be my friends.I am not very happy with a couple of people here at the mo maybe Ill give this place a miss for a while...they just drop you without explaining themselves... .I still take rejection quite badly especially when i dont know what im suposed to have done.


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## Guest (Aug 28, 2008)

Well I could melt into you just now to offer you my warmth and love to help you out. If at any time you feel i've rejected you, please please make me aware because it might now be the case. You're a carer and you I guess you want people to show their appreciation towards your effects.

 )))More hugs(((

Talk to me on msn please if you take a break... unless you need a break for everyone... i'll understand.


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

Well I found out why I feel like rigamortis thats been warmed up in the microwave.I had to go down the doctors this morning with chest pain..ive got a bad chest infection with some pleurisy on my left lung.Got some new anti biotics and some things to help me stop smoking.Havnt had a ciggy all day and im not going to have even a puff on a ciggerette untill i get like i feel like im absolutly going insane,then it will be just one puff and no more to take the edge off.Its my own fault,I havnt been looking after myself alot latley..not sleeping..no routine,i stoped eating healthily if eating anything much at all,and I chain smoked.Today for the first time in like forever i actually got up at 8.30 after having six hours sleep at night time-a miricle for me..,i didnt smoke a ciggerete instead I made some ginger ,lemon and honey tea and sat by the open window taking puffs of fresh air.and then ate some porridge and apricots.i ate well all day actually.Im suposed to be in bed resting but I wanted to come out for half hour..because im fed up,really fed up and laying in bed makes me worse and besides i want to be able to sleep tonight when im suposed to.
So im turning this thread into a journal of progress on stoping smoking,eating well and my routine..im doing it here because if others know im doing it ,im more lilkey to try harder,rather than fail.And im asking for support and encouragment on this if you guys dont mind.Im predicting day ten will kill me,thats when i usually give in and smoke...by day 5 i will have some intense derealisation..despite being recovered I allways get bad derealization when I try and stop smoking....so heres hoping...

No Darren ,its not you...and its not about people showing me any appreiciation..my problem is that im an intuitive,i pick things up,if someones pissed off with me and they dont tell me,Ill still know about it......which makes it worse because im not sure what ive done exactly..though intuitivley i have an idea..and it relates more to their issues including projection..and i know they are very proud..... than mine and the fact that i like everyone knows tend to go deep with people,it can scare them and i can be to straight forward for some people...but im me.i cant be somone else.i never mean intentionally.....hopefully well be ok again eventually.

Thankyou for the hugs...sqeezes you so hard that you cant breath and your eye balls nearly pop out.((((((( :shock: )))))..is not letting go,i needed that.
I dont know how much ill be around on here coming future.the internet in general....sorting my own shit out has to first for a change.

Spirit.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Spiritus (my nickname for you for now),  u got All my support... BIG HUGS from me as well


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Stopping cigs is the hardest thing.
You might need to write your journal once an hour or every time you need a smoke.
I will be looking for your updates. 
Good luck.

:shock: this guy was just walking around looking like this :shock: and then this guy  laughed at him :lol: so this guy :shock: poked this guy :lol: in the eye and so now he looks like this :wink: 
Basically I rewrote your joke sorry


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

I'm glad you've got some idea why you've been feeling shite lately. So that chest infection has stayed with you? I don't even know how painful it will be for you (if painful at all). )hugs(. I also don't look after myself... I spend too much time focused on games then my body... I want to get some good food down me, not really food I enjoy... but food my body will benefit from... but I know it won't happen at the moment.

Excellent, well done for getting up in the morning =). Well i've never smoked so I don't know how the withdrawal feels... although I know how I feel when I "need" chocolate... so can I relate in that respect?

)))Big Huggles(((

It's your turn to be taken care of because you've taken care of a lot of us, which i'm thankful for.

Darren.x


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

Thanks guys.Spiritus :?: lol,thats fine by me((((((((( :shock: ))))hugs you to.I wont be able to update that much due to not having my own computer,but im sure once i feel better ill be around a bit more often...i mean this journal could go o for monthes......the last time I sucessfuly gave up smoking[why did i start again..stupid :roll: ],i went into severe depression which required treatment with anti depressents..sooo I am very scared....i am defo going to take a trip into insanity.,still i spose its better than being hooked up to oxagen tanks.Im really starting to feel it now....the pulling,the yurning for a ciggerette..the patches and nicorette inhaler are really crap...my body wants the OTHER chemicals in the ciggerettes. not just the nicotine.And I should problably say sorry to everyone in advance..because most liKley giving up will turn me into a right moody moo for a while...OK more of a moody moo than i already am-see i heard that Daz. :| 

What joke Mark?...did i do it in thats life somewhere...well thats ok it means you liked it.

No Darren chocolate doesnt really compare lol...imagine if somone took your testicles and your penis off then imagine how much you would want them back again...well kinda lol.Well done to you for never smoking..how i wished i had listened to that little old lady when i was 15 who at the time I called an interfering old cow because she told me if i smoked i would end up like her husband who had just had his leg amutated because of a smoking related blood clot..who im now very sorry to by the way... :? why do we do this to ourselves...addiction is crazy.
You can enjoy healthy food you know daz..its not all carrot sticks and celery..i was thinking of asking for a sticky recipe thread in the alternative section for us health foodies...Like last night i made tomatoe and vegetable hotpot really yummy and warming.For dinner today i had a mushroom cheese and garlic ommlette with pepper-really nice...i say im vegan[no dairy products] but occasionaly my body craves protein so i give in if i think im needing it....i make a mean korma masala and spicy stuffed mushrooms....is the way to a mans heart really through his stomach..is it working ? lol.....still hasnt let go...


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

I like Mr Happy and his friends  don't take them away from me =*(.

Cook for Darren plz :mrgreen: It'd make him happy :mrgreen:


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

If you lived nearer and i was well...i would invite you for dinner.


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

Yay *Moves next door to you* :mrgreen:


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

That would be cool....i got plenty of spare room...it gets lonley.


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

I actually rather be alone... although I did get home sick on hoilday... so I think i would miss people with time. It's worse when you're lonley with a room full of people.


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

I knew you would say that...throws your dinner at you  .Everyone would rather be alone than be with me,it seems.I understand though i still feel lonley even when with people.


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

*Spits the words you threw in my mouth!* HEY! I didn't say I rather be alone then be with you =P... lol. When are we gonna make some healing herbs?


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

no its began,weird withdrawl symptoms....taking things the wrong way..being irrational..paranoia..maybe you did mean it like that but in a sneaky way....when we gonna make some healing herbs?..ermms you wanna get stoned..i would have to eat it though considering i cant smoke now...though i should warn you,being stoned makes me extremley horny....
Yeah well see if you lived near by we could go out looking for them..and stuff..


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

Thanks cloverstone.Im ready to quit,im just not ready emotionally if you get me but I have no choice.Its weird for me,smoking has allways been my thing..it was my way of rebeling and expressing myself as a teenager..when things were hard,it helped me cope..theres still alot of that rebelious spirit in me...its hard to let go of that,giving up smoking is like letting her go for good..i know it sounds weird and like im talking crap but its hard to explain.Giving up smoking feels like a death to me,even though smoking is the real killer.


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

Thanks for making me/us aware. It's easy to take things the wrong way on here any way because you can't "hear" the person's tone of voice... and I tend to take the piss all the time... so it's hard to know when i'm being serious. Noooo I didn't wanna get stoned... but I do now =)... Thanks for the tip on one of the ways you get horny =P.

and... stuff?... lol



Spirit said:


> no its began,weird withdrawl symptoms....taking things the wrong way..being irrational..paranoia..maybe you did mean it like that but in a sneaky way....when we gonna make some healing herbs?..ermms you wanna get stoned..i would have to eat it though considering i cant smoke now...though i should warn you,being stoned makes me extremley horny....
> Yeah well see if you lived near by we could go out looking for them..and stuff..


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

stuff..not that stuff lol..stuff...oh my brains to mushy from not smoking...stuff was easier to say....we can do stuff..


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

What the fuzz? my post didn't turn up! grrr. oh well, u don't want to read it anyway


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

Spirit said:


> stuff..not that stuff lol..stuff...oh my brains to mushy from not smoking...stuff was easier to say....we can do stuff..


I like all types of "Stuff"  Go with the flow at the moment (does me talking like this whine you up? =S). I wanna dig for worms and then put them in plant pots to help grow weed =D


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

no it doesnt wind me up a all..i dunno why all the girls moan at you,half of them come on here and have pictures with their breasts hanging out anyway...Meoowwwwwww


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2008)

The derealization is kicking in already..im going home,see ya guys.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

C ya when I'm lookin atcha!


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2008)

I know... *sheds a tear*... they are total prick teases and then when I say anything sexually, then moan to Cloverstone and bug her all day long.... bints :mrgreen:



Spirit said:


> no it doesnt wind me up a all..i dunno why all the girls moan at you,half of them come on here and have pictures with their breasts hanging out anyway...Meoowwwwwww


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2008)

I layed down last night at 9.30 pm watching the tv and the next thing I knew it was 5.15 am and the cat was meowing and looking at me something like between these two smileys :twisted: :| ..and i looked at him something like this :evil: ...i let him out and tried to go back to sleep but couldnt because i wanted a ciggerette.I layed there till 7am and then gave up.Im so tired,i like/need 9 hours sleep  .
I havnt had a ciggy today   but i could kill for one[litterally]i forgot to put a nicotine patch back on after i got out of the bath[stupid thing fell off]and didnt realised untill i started shouting at household objects obscenley and then thought "oh ill have a ciggy now"  it was that automatic it suprised me ,i forgot i had given up for a second there......i cant beleive how tired giving up makes you feel..tired but agitated at the same time.Ive eaten well again today as well.......so its good but its bad..its going to kill me.
Cloverstone i can tell you understand by what you say..its really great to have support from someone who has given up themselves.It really does become part of your life litterally..its a social thing,a comfort thing,a bordom thing..after eating thing,after a cup of tea thing.....
Anyway i am just updating quickly,i gotta go in a min as my kids will be here any minute now....and im exhausted :? i wonder if i feel exhausted because my body clock has been turned on its head..its possible i ghess.ll be back later most probably.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Keep it up.
We are all routing for you.
I used to smoke 3 cigs before bed. Made me sleep. I carried around an incredible amount of guilt just for 3 smokes.
Giving that up was tough. 
Giving a whole days worth of smoking must be very difficult. 
GOGOGO.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

i took up smoking again (last time i smoked was this time last year) a couple of weeks ago. That's bcoz i was under severe stress. Last year it was a form of self-harm.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2008)

I am REALLY killing for a ciggerette right now with every pore and cell in my body.I feel so fucking weird.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2008)

Just had a row with my dad.......I HATE THE WANKER..........Im cirtainly not having a giggy coz of that twat and thats for definite.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2008)

it got worse...All i did was tell him not to use the mobile phone while driving with my kids.....and he flew at me.he wont fly at my ex when i tell him..he called me a bitch repeatedly as is now resusing to drive me home..hes bang out of order as usual...I have to stay away from him for a while,I WILL kill him definatly cirtainly if i stay.Which means i wont be around on here for a good while.Take care guys...ill miss you...if by some miracle he apologises..i might be back.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Take care, hope to see you around.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2008)

He apologised but i still dont forgive him,what father calls their daughter a bitch....,it took me back to the old days when the abuse was a regular occurence..my parents old habits are creeping back..oh well soon be away from them...
Anyway,last night I had one drag on a ciggerette..i was so angry i had to,i did say i might need the odd puff when i got desperate...but i barley inhaled it and it still helped.I havnt had one today and im not planning on getting that angry again so should be fine.One puff in three days is good compared to my usual chain smoking i think which would usually be over 20-30 ciggys a day...Fell asleep at 10 pm last night and got up at 6.15 am this morning..it feels very strange now getting up when im usually gong bed..my body still isnt used to it but its much better.I like being up during the day now with the sun rise.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2008)

15.53 pm...shaky,figity,stomach cramps,nausea,dizziness,ants crawling in my head........feel like killing somebody :evil:
nicotine replacement is absolute shit..and does sweet fuck all.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

aaaaaahhhhhh. I can feel it. Clean something!!!!!!!!


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Spirit said:


> 15.53 pm...shaky,figity,stomach cramps,nausea,dizziness,ants crawling in my head........feel like killing somebody :evil:
> nicotine replacement is absolute shit..and does sweet flower* all.


this is bad advice...

just go buy a packet and smoke 'em all. lol. like what i did :twisted:


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2008)

no.I did that last time,i cant with this chest infection i will end up in hospital again.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

good girl for not following my advice. it wasn't a good advice anyway lol :mrgreen:

urrgh... chest infection. when and how did you get that? i hope you get well ey.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2008)

Thanks,Ive had chest infections constantly for about two years now..i have been in hospital several times when it was bad and they found a small shadow on my lung..that freaked me out but it was just a severe infection...ive been on anti biotics constant give or take a few weeks for several years also to the point that now many of them dont work on me or ive reacted to them...Ive also now got asthma..now ive got pleurisy in my left lung ....The other night i really felt like i couldnt breath....if i smoke that will happen again.I would now advise everyone to give up while they can before they totally fuck their lungs up.....

http://www.peacehealth.org/kbase/topic/special/tj8148/sec1.htm


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

man, i wish i hadn't tried smoking in the first place when i knew it was bad. good thing i'm not addicted to the thing for some reason.

don't want to ruin my singing voice.

I really do hope you get better from this chest infection. it's just not good.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2008)

Yeah im thinking of trying drugs again now instead.......not speed again though, maybe what kenny keeps going on about .hey maybe ill go snort a valium  NOT..though im going to eat some when i get home...i cant smoke pot now but i could eat it i suppose..everybody says drugs are bad but its a big fucking contradiction,i think they can be used sencibly.....drinking and smoking are equally harmful infact more harmful than most drugs are and they are legal..more people die from smoking and drinking in a year than doing drugs.... ..

I would love to hear your singing voice.


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2008)

Day 4 of not smoking...this is killing me....Terrible tremors and twitching,anxiety rushes,legs like jelly,weakness,delirious laughter for no reason which makes me look crazy,muscle aches and cramp,tiredness,nausea,headache.Not much then..... :? 
Got up at 7 am...went out for a walk with my support worker to the woodland area at the back of my house,ive lived here over 2 yrs now and still not explored the whole area..actually felt slightly depersonalized for ten minutes .,I sat at my oak tree place with the running water creek winding through the trees but couldnt find the other place i was looking for but we ended somewhere even better,where theres a row of little cottages along the lane that look like little witches cottages like something out of a story book,we followed this lane down to the bottom and found it opened up into open fields..could see for miles the veiw was amazing..found a huge blackberry bush which tomorow im going back to to get the berries...found some hawthorn berries and elderberries also.I was absolutley nackered by the time i got home again,must have walked miles but apparently "its good for me" :roll: ..it doesnt bloomin well feel very good for me right now.........I am dieing.  ..but my mood is not bad so thats something.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

At what day do things start to get better What?s the tipping point??


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## Dave120281 (Aug 18, 2008)

Awwww hun I know how you're feeling. I gave up in 2002 for about 18 months but went through a rough time and started again. I actually like smoking though and feel I could give up again because if you've got support from people you can do it but I just don't want to right now. Being forced to do it must be really hard. Go on some game sites and play puzzle games. It really helps to take your mind off it.


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## Guest (Sep 2, 2008)

I dunno Mark..unless the "tipping point" means going over the edge into neverending insanity :? 
I LOVE smoking to Dave..thats why i say smokings allways been "my thing"...

Well day 5...Last night i couldnt sleep till the early hours but still woke up at 7 am... :? ..i hate being tired....so got up and all I did for 2 hours was tremble and sit there staring blankey out of an open window like this :| ...my brain just wont work today.I went to see my own doctor because the doc that mentioned pleurisy was a fill in doc and she had me really worried.Apparently i dont have the severe type of actual pleurisy but doctors sometimes use the term very loosley and broadly to mean inflamation of the lung due to infection....stupid fucking fill in doctor,talk about worry me sick about something that i neednt have been so worried about ....well its good news i suppose but i still want to give up smoking,but think im going to fail.Im considering having half a ciggy in the morning ,one at lunchtime,and one before bed and then reducing that slowley...but i think if i do that ill soon be back to smoking my usual quota....so who knows,i might try using some valium to help me mellow a bit.There are moments when its so bad i just can not speak and if i try it comes out all jumbled and i look silly...its like a constant adrenaline rush at the moment,the only times that feels good is when my music is on and turned up.


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## Guest (Sep 3, 2008)

Felt extremley anxious and aggitated last night,couldnt sit still despite being exhausted.I started to feel a bit Dp,ed  .I mean once youve had Dpd does mean youre allways prone to it,Im recovered but usually get derealisation from trying to stop smoking,but last night i felt a bit depersonalised,very mildly though...plenty of people try to give up smoking but dont get dpd..... :? ..so had two drags on a ciggy because im not prepared to revisit dpd land again not for any amount of money or anything..felt a bit more normal afterwards but still the feeling of impending danger/doom didnt go so I had to take some valium which really helped.
Day 6;Got up at 9.15 am. two hours later had one puff on a ciggy... :? ...went blackberry picking..did some other boring stuff.......thinking of having another puff on a ciggy...... 
So thats now 4 puffs on a ciggy in six days..i still think thats pretty good going for me compared to the usual over 20 ciggys a day..........but im still really enjoying being up during the day instead of sleeping through it.


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## Guest (Sep 3, 2008)

Had two large drags on a ciggy and nearly fell over.....


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Spirit said:


> Had two large drags on a ciggy and nearly fell over.....


is that a good thing or a bad thing? :?


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Spirit said:


> Felt extremley anxious and aggitated last night,couldnt sit still despite being exhausted.I started to feel a bit Dp,ed  .I mean once youve had Dpd does mean youre allways prone to it,Im recovered but usually get derealisation from trying to stop smoking,but last night i felt a bit depersonalised,very mildly though...plenty of people try to give up smoking but dont get dpd..... :? ..so had two drags on a ciggy because im not prepared to revisit dpd land again not for any amount of money or anything..felt a bit more normal afterwards but still the feeling of impending danger/doom didnt go so I had to take some valium which really helped.
> Day 6;Got up at 9.15 am. two hours later had one puff on a ciggy... :? ...went blackberry picking..did some other boring stuff.......thinking of having another puff on a ciggy......
> So thats now 4 puffs on a ciggy in six days..i still think thats pretty good going for me compared to the usual over 20 ciggys a day..........but im still really enjoying being up during the day instead of sleeping through it.


Once you unlock the door its easy to open.
It is happening to my half sister right now.
She got it years ago for a short time now she is feeling just like you are and getting it again. Holly shit it runs in the family!
I am getting worried. You can't fall back in.
Don't stop smoking until your head is on straight.
I quit this club if you become a member again.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

I am having the occassional ciggerette now Mark.........cutting right down is better than what i was doing before.Youre right now is not the time to do it fully....i think i will wait till im stable on meds for my moods if i try and stop and if i take meds that is.


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

plus quitting cold turkey is just fuckin retarded


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## Guest (Sep 5, 2008)

Thanks Matt I think :? .....it wasnt cold turkey..i had patches and stuff......

Thanks for the encouragment Cloverstone.
I think i have changed my thoughts a bit to a non smoker,like really beleiving im a non smoker[takes a drag for you]lol......

Its just my anxiery and agitation levels at the moment...its not possible when im like this.....I dont feel bad or like ive failed because I know I can try again and again ...and again....and again :? ...and again. :roll: .....


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