# I don't care.



## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I'm in such a shit state, physically and mentally, at the moment, that I'm going to my GP today and demand the strongest, highest, most lethally sedating benzodiazepine that he's got. I don't care. I've got a pus leaking open wound on my back where they do the spinal, my hairs falling out, I'm constantly puking, and on top of that I'm starting to be savaged by my old friend panic. You try puking, panicing, leaking, and watching your hair fall out, all at the same time! Great. Fantastic.

I don't care if it sounds weak, I'm going to do it, and get through this in a haze of tranquility. Addiction be damned. And sorry if this sounds like a whine, but I don't care about that either.


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## Guest (Jun 7, 2005)

Martin, good idea. If getting on a benzo is going to be helpfull to get through this HELL you are living at the moment, I'd say do it. Im on benzo's too and they work wonders. And dont' let the fear of getting addicted to them stop you, because not everybody gets addicted to them.
Do whats best for you right now. Take care.


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

Really hope things start picking up for you soon, Martin.

With all that you're going through now I can't see the problem in having some benzos, however strong. I think the possibility of getting addicted pales into insignificance with all that you've listed. So go for it, if it helps even just a little.


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Martin - I feel for ya, buddy. I really do. I am really sorry about what you are going through.

I am not a doctor, obviously, but if you are going through this hell, try 2 mg of Ativan. If that doesn't work enough, go up to 3mg.

The whole "stay upbeat", etc cliches will not work this time, unfortunately. You are at a time in your life where better living by chemicals is necessary.

Here is to a quick recovery. Take care.

Mike


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Martin: What kind of sick, sadistic bastard would ever accuse you of being weak given your current situation? Hell, I'd be shooting smack if i were in your situation and then crying to my Mother every night asking her to read me a bedtime story.

Do what you have to do to get through this Martin. Even if it means killing people. Oh, strike that last bit.

I feel so inadequate posting these responses to you. I wish there was something we could do to help alleviate your suffering somewhat. But all i can offer you are best wishes and prayers and a few useless sentences strung together in haste.

Get well.


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## Guest (Jun 7, 2005)

Martin:

While I am hardly anyone to speak on the subject of how someone should treat thier own bodies; I can tell you that drugs aren't going to make this situation any better.
As a matter of fact, it has been my experience that the drugs will only make things MUCH worse in the long run.

LET THE PANIC COME!
MAKE IT DO IT'S WORSE!
don't fight it. that's the worst thing that you can do to yourself. 
you can't tickle yourself can you? well, you can't scare yourself to death either.
So bring on that panic attack, and then laugh in it's face when it can't, BECAUSE IT WON'T, do anything to you.

You can overcome this.
and I fear that drugs will only pull you further down, after you come out of your drug induced haze.

You're not weak, you're suffering.
be proud of yourself.
you're still here.
you've survived up to this point.
keep your chin up and demand that the panic try and scare you to death.
SAY IT OUT LOUD!
COME ON PANIC! LET'S DO THIS!
you'll kill it in it's tracks...after a time.
you will get better.


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## Guest (Jun 7, 2005)

I would only find myself anaylzing you if you DIDN'T want to take the strongest drug you could find at this point.

It's got NOTHING to do with weakness. It's good common sense. Get some damn opium if you can locate it.

All the best,
your friend,
Janine


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

Wonderful advice Janine.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Well, it's unanimous, then -- and I'm surely totally with you!

You will feel better soon.

Sojourner


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Nataskaos -

While you definitely have good intentions and good advice for the average DP/DR issue, Martin's issues right now are much more on a physical level than a mental one.

The truth is - he needs the break. He needs the nerve medication, and stat!

Your advice was cool for my current situation, though.

Martin - please let us know if the doctor gave you the benzos you needed. If not, shit, I'll send ya some.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I hope you feel better soon. Do whatever it takes to make the situation tolerable. I have been through some medical trauma (spinal taps and yucky stuff), at one point I was facing brain surgery. I could barely handle it and it sounds like you are going through much worse, my heartfelt sympathy, it is a terrible thing to go through. You seem like a very strong person.


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## Guest (Jun 7, 2005)

yeah...let me apologize for sounding as if I was hopping all over someone.

I had ZERO idea about your pre-existing medical stuff.
that sucks, and I am sorry.

I hope you get so much better.


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

I'm with Mike on this one...If they won't give you what you need, I'm willing to send over what I have and we'll locate whatever it is you need that we don't have. I think the opium/opiate idea is excellant. I'd drug myself up till it was over.

Thinking about you, Martin.

terri


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## Da'Burgh (Apr 25, 2005)

My thoughts are with you. I've always seen you as a strong individual. Good fortunes Martin. 8)


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

"I will keep going, no matter what they throw at me"


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Wow, you're all so very kind.

He gave me 100 tabs of 2mg Clonazepam, which should do the trick. I feel a bit better today, so I'll wait until the next (and last) session of Chemo and she what happens. If my platelet level isn't high enough, then they have to start 'Aggressive Chemo' (WTF ?) and Radiotheraphy, and I'll have to go in as an in-patient.

Thanks everyone. I thought about opium but I mistook a tulip for a poppy, and felt very odd. That'll teach me.


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## Guest (Jun 8, 2005)

Hi Martin,

I really hope you'll get through this. My thoughts are with you. Be strong and take care of yourself the most you can.

See you,

Allure30


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## Guest (Jun 9, 2005)

Hi

Martinelv

I really feel for you, it must be really s**t to go through what you are going through.

I just want to say if you have to take benzos please please don't take too much, try to keep your dosage as low as possible!

I started to take clonazepam 2mg tabs about 3 years ago, and before i could wipe my eyes i was on 60mg p/day --- 30 tabs a day---.

AND WENT TO HELL TO GET OFF


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Thanks for your concern.

Stone - possible (and I say possible, because I've indulged in huge quantities before and had no withdrawal whatsoever, unlike SSRI's) addiction is the least of my worries at the moment. As I said in the topic title, I don't care. I really don't give a stuff. Life is short, and mine is getting shorter by the minute, so bollocks to it. But thanks for your kinds words.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Wow...my heart and Xanax go out to you, but only if you can send back some hydros or oxys in exchange.

(sorry man...I have needs too :wink: )

Hope you get better. Because you are kind of cute in your pictures, you logical cynical bastard.


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2005)

Life goes on after death......

Peace and love

Johan delport


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Not for me it won't.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

stone1234 said:


> Life goes on after death......
> 
> Peace and love
> 
> Johan delport


wouldnt that be wonderful to have to go through all of this again.......!!!!!!!!


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

jc said:


> wouldnt that be wonderful to have to go through all of this again.......!!!!!!!!


Well, I think that people mean a second life while keeping the knowledge of your first one  So everything would be (more) simple since you have faced them again. But I think that it's just the "unfinished bussiness" that is causing this, I mean alike thoughts in myself.


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

So hey Martin ?

If, by some kind of snowball's chance in hell, there is an afterlife :shock: !!!, and you did, somewhere way down the line, end up there... :roll: ...remember, snowball's chance in hell :twisted: - would you do all kinds of hell raising and scream for them to put an end to the bright glowing light? Most importantly, would you find some way to let people know where you were? Like rattle some chains or something?

My chances of going before you are very likely, so I want to tell you that I will in fact hunt you down like the dog you are...if in fact there is another life and I am able to do so, of course...and let you know all about it in case you need to make some kind of deathbed confession. 

Howz that for a deal? :wink:


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2005)

Do you beliefe in Jesus?


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

I had a lighter mood, so...

Did you noticed that Martin's posts are counting of 666? 

it will really be a cold day in hell...

and here is the evidence:


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2005)

I used to be a satanist, there is absolutely no future in the occult, one can do all sorts of tricks like moving objects without touching it, putting spells on girls so that they will like you etc etc etc.

But one thing one can not do with any type of occult is to make yourself happy, i tried beliefe me i tried hard. Sometimes i thought that i was happy but it did not last.

Just the acceptance of Jesus as your savior can make you happy.

Satan can put all sorts of junk and objects in your body, without your consent.

The best part of accepting Jesus is that you actually get a life after death that is a million times better than the life of the happiest person on earth.

If you had canser on earth you will not have canser in heaven you will have absolutely no illness no DP no Depression no Flu nothing.

But to go to heaven you have to accept Jesus as your personal savior. The One that is stronger than Lucifer.

If anyone wants to know more E-mail me at [email protected]


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

oh my lordy...

no one is a declared satanist here...

martin is probably the LAST person that would claim to move ANYTHING with his mind...



> The best part of accepting Jesus is that you actually get a life after death that is a million times better than the life of the happiest person on earth.


Man I'm so glad you hardly ever hear of "heaven" being discussed in depth at a Reform Jewish temple. As a matter of fact, Jews don't even have a concept of hell! It's great!

Sorry, went off on a tangent.

I don't have any qualms about you, stone. I think religion is great. But I just wanted to point out the irony here.


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

I am sorry, I am sorry, I am not a satanist folks!  that's why I pointed it as a joke. Apparently a failed one :| I just made a connection of Terri's (terri*) "snowball in hell" with the number "666" in Martin's posts number. I really think that all these stuff about satan and the such are mumbo jumbo.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.



stone1234 said:


> I used to be a satanist, there is absolutely no future in the occult, one can do all sorts of tricks like moving objects without touching it, putting spells on girls so that they will like you etc etc etc.


You mean for real? In most cases it's just trickery (you know, prestidigitation).



stone1234 said:


> Just the acceptance of Jesus as your savior can make you happy.


Even though I am an atheist, I couldn't agree more with you. Keep your religion by all means, and don't visit "God, religion, spirituality" section in this forum. Accept the fact that some people will just not make sense in there (including myself).


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2005)

brainsilence02 said:


> I had a lighter mood, so...
> 
> Did you noticed that Martin's posts are counting of 666?
> 
> ...


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:twisted:

Notice how none of martins pics have the bottom? Must be to disguise the cloven hooves and tail.

Now, where's he going to stick his trident? :shock:


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

"..See the cross of the Lord ..be gone you hostile power !!!...Hasten to our call for help and snatch from ruination and from the clucthes of the Noonday Devil, this human being made in your image and likeness.....father of our everlasting God, who once for all consigned that fallen tyrant to the flames of hell...Do not despise my commands for you know me to be a sinner"

All right, a little Catholic rite of exorcism should take of any 666 or evil presence in this board. As far as benzodiazepines are concerned, Ativan rules !!!


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## Guest (Jun 15, 2005)

I don't mean to burst your bubble, but if you are on benzo's for long enough, even if you aren't psychologically addicted, you will get psyhically addicted. You will be able to fight off cravings but not GI problems and siezures.

However, i think you did the right thing. Its prescribed so your doctor will know what to do with them. Martinelv, i hope you can make the best of your life. Sure you might use chemical means, but its all the same neurotrasmitters in brain. If i were in your position i'd put myself in an opiaite haze of beauty. Come to think of it, i do that anyway haha  Do what makes you feel good. You deserve you're share of enjoyment of life. Use whats at your disposal, there is a reason thes chemicals exist.

And if by any chance you coem to toronto, PM me and i'll hook you up with some awesome China White!


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

What a strange coincidence, eh ? Tee hee. But I'm used to it. I've got 666 engraved on the top of my skull, etc.

Terri - if there is this magnificent after-life then I will embrace it fully. Honestly. If, on the the other hand, there is just some kind of eternal watery netherworld where nothing much happens, I'm going to be mightily pissed off. Oh, by the way, when you come to haunt me, will you bring your sciatica ridden ass with you ? Cheers.

Stone - Do I believe in Jesus ? Tough question, I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Thinwhiteduke - Please refer to the title of this thread. But thanks for your kind words....but Opiates have never agreed with my guts...fortunately or unfortunately ! :wink:


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