# I've had DPD my whole life



## fiberglasscottoncandy (Oct 29, 2012)

My name is Mariel, and I'm 18. I live in New Jersey.

I've had DPD since as long as I could remember. I remember being about 5 or 6 years old and looking the mirror, and feeling like the person the mirror wasn't really "me". I knew it was me, but it just didn't feel right. I always felt as though I was looking in on myself. Sometimes when I was really young I speculated that I might be living in a book, or movie..or even a video game. Nothing felt "real" I guess. Everything always felt dream-like. I don't know how, but somehow I understood that not everyone experienced things that way.

When I was 14 years old, my friend who is schizophrenic brought up Depersonalization and Dearealization to me. He explained what they were and what if felt like to experience them. I remember being in total shock that other people felt the way I did. I finally wasn't completely alone, and I finally knew the name for what I was experiencing. It was such a relief, but also really depressing. Because after I researched depersonalization more, I realized there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was also worried that I might have schizophrenia, because I didn't know how I could possibly be experiencing depersonalization, but nobody else I knew who was "normal" experienced it.

I was on a medication for two years that I think might have helped with the depersonalization. But it caused me all sorts of other problems, like making me suicidal and angry all the time. It ruined my life. I came off of that medication about 8 months ago. Since I've been off of it, the feeling of depersonalization have come back and have gotten worse. I don't know who to go to or who to talk to about it, because most people don't understand what it is. Or when I try to explain it to them, they don't get it. I feel so alone with this feeling, and I wanted to find somewhere/someone to go to talk to about it. I figured I'd look for a depersonalization community, though I assumed it didn't exist. But I found this site.

Sorry for the long introduction. Depersonalization has just always been such a huge problem in my life for as long as I can remember. It's nice to finally find a place where other people know what I'm experiencing.


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