# This Freaking Sucks



## Guest (Feb 20, 2010)

Yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't be on here but honestly, I'm having a bad day and if I posted anything about this anywhere else no one would understand. I'm in a place half way between dp and reality. Everything is feeling more real. My sense of self is coming back. I can sense reality. I look at things and am startled because they are real. Also along with that my fears feel more real too. I know that it is hard to understand but when I was in the depths of dp, I was generally numb, even when I was having anxiety and panic. Now that the numbness is gone, the things that I panic about are intensified. For instance, I am still having the sensations of not knowing where I am, not knowing who I am, feeling like things are unreal, feeling like I am going to disappear, feeling like I am going to crazy or going to die. I don't understand why I keep getting those sensations because all at the same time everything feels more real but, whatever. I am still having them and they come on suddenly like a panic attack. Just all of a sudden I am like "HOLY CRAP. I don't know where I am" and it is intense because I don't have the numbing barrier there. Like before it was a sensation and now it's almost like it's a fact and I can feel it. Its just more.....real I guess. Like the sensation is stronger and more real and it freaks me out.

Anyways, this is a really rough place to be. I just woke up and I feel exhausted. I feel like I have been treading water in the ocean in the middle of a storm. I feel like I am exhausted and beaten and terrified. My anxiety is massive. My benzos aren't even helping anymore. They don't just make me feel super dp'd and numb anymore. They make me feel sedated like they did before dp. I just want to sleep on them and that wasn't the case before. I guess that is more evidence of chemical changes happening in the brain with dp.

SO yeah. Just had to get that off my chest.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks, I can definitely relate. My symptoms are still pretty intense, but the numbness has been wearing off enough that the anxiety feels really nasty sometimes, and it's like the panic messages are actually reaching me now, so running away from a given situation feels more like the right thing to do than when I was more numb. Your posting it in this section helps me to see that that's a good sign, too--yay, I can finally freak out about something, and ride it out, and feel a little bit better.


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## Guest (Feb 20, 2010)

dpsince2002 said:


> Thanks, I can definitely relate. My symptoms are still pretty intense, but the numbness has been wearing off enough that the anxiety feels really nasty sometimes, and it's like the panic messages are actually reaching me now, so running away from a given situation feels more like the right thing to do than when I was more numb. Your posting it in this section helps me to see that that's a good sign, too--yay, I can finally freak out about something, and ride it out, and feel a little bit better.


Yes, it is a good sign. No one who has recovered has come on here and posted in detail what they go through during recovery. I want to do that so that other people will know.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

tinyfairypeople said:


> No one who has recovered has come on here and posted in detail what they go through during recovery. I want to do that so that other people will know.


It 's great you're documenting it all on here because looking back it is hard to work out how it actually came about. While I get the odd moment of DP/DR it hasn't been ruling my life for about a decade now.

Here is my feeble attempt at a description:
Post on re-reading my diaries written throughout my recovery
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/20046-now-and-a-look-back-ten-years/page__view__findpost__p__182053

The first step was owning up to the fact I needed help. I'd been bottling all of these feelings (and lack thereof) up inside and the effort I expended on keeping up appearances left me drained. When I finally told my parents things began to change. Sure, there were ups and downs and everytime I got a glimpse of life it seemed to be followed by full on DP/DR. Still as time wore on I began to go out and do stuff despite not really feeling any of it. After a while I started to get glimpses of enjoyment out of activites and the DP/DR became more manageable. But even when I was already quite able to keep up with every day life I still had the feeling that a part of me had gone missing. That was the last part of DP to fade. I know that making an effort to keep from overanalyzing my own body, my actions and the world around me was essential to this crucial and (in my case) final part of recovery. Still, how and when it happened.. I don't know. Moments of feeling real and like a proper person turned into days and days into weeks. It was a rollercoaster. Nowadays I feel whole most of the time.

I have had episodes of DP/DR since I was three so it is no surprise to me that I still get episodes nowadays. There is a vital difference to what it was like during my teenage years though: It is no longer scary and I don't get brainfog. I don't doubt my sanity. It 's just how I am wired. Part of who I am. So what if my personality is a little dissociative. It doesn't keep me from enjoying life just because things seem a little unreal occasionally. In short, on the occasions were I do experience DP/DR it is so familiar and mild that it is easy to deal with.

The only comparison I can come up with is that when I was a teen DP/DR was like a cancer eating away at me. Nowadays it bears more resemblance to the flu.

Not a perfect recovery story maybe, but pretty close


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## Guest (Feb 21, 2010)

Pancake, did your dp go away gradually or was it bursts of reality? I am having bursts of reality and, honestly, is a living hell. I went back into reality earlier and despite my best efforts, I freaked out. I had a massive panic attack. It was like all of a sudden I woke up and was my old self and reality was there and I felt like "where have I been?". It also came along with massive anxiety. I seriously felt like I was going to die. I did deep breathing and told myself that everything was ok but the anxiety and the weirdness of suddenly feeling like my entire reality and self had changed just freaked me out. I ended up taking klonopin and then falling asleep.

I do not understand this. First of all, I've been able to see that, obviously, my mind is terrified of reality. Every time I reconnect I have massive panic attacks. Why would my brain be reconnecting if I wasn't ready to face it? Secondly, even though I recognize it as reality, it is incredibly unsettling to have the shift occur. It feels just when dp first happened. I had exactly the same kind of melt down. I felt like I was going insane, I was terrified, everything was different. I supposed that I got used to dp after a while because that didn't last. Will that happen with reality too? It would be helpful if it would just stay instead of me having periods where I go in and out. Even if it is terrifying at first and my brain doesn't seem to want to accept it, it seems like I would just start to get used to it like I did with dp.

This is just so weird because I had a mini episode of dp right before I got it chronically. It lasted a week and a half. My transition back out of dp was easy. I just woke up each morning feeling better and better until one morning it was gone. I went away gradually. It didn't force itself in and out. Was it easier because I had only been out of reality for a week? Is it harder this time because it's been 5 months since I've felt reality? Just the way it is happening, like having "episodes of reality" just doesn't seem right.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Damn. I just wrote a humongous post and then I pressed backspace and my ramblings went to sleep with the fishes.











tinyfairypeople said:


> [..]even though I recognize it as reality, it is incredibly unsettling to have the shift occur. It feels just when dp first happened. I had exactly the same kind of melt down. I felt like I was going insane, I was terrified, everything was different. I supposed that I got used to dp after a while because that didn't last. Will that happen with reality too? It would be helpful if it would just stay instead of me having periods where I go in and out. Even if it is terrifying at first and my brain doesn't seem to want to accept it, it seems like I would just start to get used to it like I did with dp.


My big long episode of DP/DR throughout my teenage years didn't start suddenly but came about gradually. When I got better it happened pretty much like you describe. It will become less unsettling over time.

[quote name='tinyfairypeople' date='21 February 2010 - 02:46 AM' timestamp='1266720401' post='182816'
This is just so weird because I had a mini episode of dp right before I got it chronically. It lasted a week and a half. My transition back out of dp was easy. I just woke up each morning feeling better and better until one morning it was gone. I went away gradually. It didn't force itself in and out. Was it easier because I had only been out of reality for a week? Is it harder this time because it's been 5 months since I've felt reality? Just the way it is happening, like having "episodes of reality" just doesn't seem right.
[/quote]
As a kid I found myself flicking back and forth without a problem. Some days I'd spend like a robot (not a worry because I knew it would go away again and I liked robots), some days I couldn't shake thoughts about the nature of the universe (which is odd, considering as other questions I didn't have an answer for like "where do babies come from?" didn't nag at me half as much). Maybe I assumed everybody experienced life that way. I don't know. In any case other than the existential thoughts none of it actually scared me back then. Then again, maybe it 's just been so long I am just not remembering it properly.


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## Guest (Feb 21, 2010)

> The were bursts of reality. Over time these bursts became longer and more frequent. At first they were scarily intense and I was unsure I really wanted myself or reality back because the intensity of it was so mindblowing I didn't know how to deal with it. As time wore on the bursts mellowed out and became more natural so to speak. They were no longer so intense as to be scary.


Thank you, thank you, thank you for telling me this. I cannot even begin to tell how how much relief reading this gave me. What you described is exactly what I am experiencing when it happens. I end up losing panicking. Like really honest panic attack when you lose the ability to have rational thought and you go racing around the house out of control.

I have a question for you. I've largely cut down on my klonopin usage because I wanted to feel reality coming back. But without fail, when it does, I end up having to take the klonopin because of the panic attacks. I have been experiencing massive anxiety all around. Do you think I should continue my therapudic dosage of klonopin or stop taking it so that I can feel reality? I guess my, maybe irrational, thought process was that if I take the klonopin that I will feel numb and not sense reality/prevent reconnecting but with the bursts happening daily for me now and reading what you wrote, it sounds like reality is just going to keep coming back, medication or not. Thoughts?


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## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

tinyfairypeople said:


> Thank you, thank you, thank you for telling me this. I cannot even begin to tell how how much relief reading this gave me. What you described is exactly what I am experiencing when it happens. I end up losing panicking. Like really honest panic attack when you lose the ability to have rational thought and you go racing around the house out of control.
> 
> I have a question for you. I've largely cut down on my klonopin usage because I wanted to feel reality coming back. But without fail, when it does, I end up having to take the klonopin because of the panic attacks. I have been experiencing massive anxiety all around. Do you think I should continue my therapudic dosage of klonopin or stop taking it so that I can feel reality? I guess my, maybe irrational, thought process was that if I take the klonopin that I will feel numb and not sense reality/prevent reconnecting but with the bursts happening daily for me now and reading what you wrote, it sounds like reality is just going to keep coming back, medication or not. Thoughts?


I would continue with the medication (Klonopin).In my opinion,it's not Klonopin that will stop reality from coming back.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

I have no knowledge of Klonopin I am afraid.

I don't think I recovered due to the medication I was on but while I was recovering I took olanzapine (atypical anti-psychotic), paroxetine (SSRI) and buspirone (anxiolytic). I also had half an alprazolam (like Klonopin this is a benzo) when I couldn't stand the panic. However, alprazolam affected me so strangely that I was always wary of it 's effects. First time I took alprazolam I took a whole pill rather than the cautious half a one I took after that: It calmed me but I also experienced an urge to jump out the window to find out if I could fly.









While I am not sure the meds actually did much for me (other than serve as a constant reminder to my Mom that I wasn't well, which made them very effective indeed) I am sure they did not hamper my recovery. Benzo withdrawal is no fun so if you do reduce your use consult with your doctor first. You want to be taking that one slow whenever you decide to go for it. In the meantime, if Klonopin curbs the panic it can only be a good thing, right?


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## Guest (Feb 21, 2010)

pancake said:


> I have no knowledge of Klonopin I am afraid.
> 
> I don't think I recovered due to the medication I was on but while I was recovering I took olanzapine (atypical anti-psychotic), paroxetine (SSRI) and buspirone (anxiolytic). I also had half an alprazolam (like Klonopin this is a benzo) when I couldn't stand the panic. However, alprazolam affected me so strangely that I was always wary of it 's effects. First time I took alprazolam I took a whole pill rather than the cautious half a one I took after that: It calmed me but I also experienced an urge to jump out the window to find out if I could fly.
> 
> ...


Right. I took a full dose last night and this morning and I feel MUCH better. I can still sense reality around me but I'm not panicking. Thank you for the reassurance that it won't stop the recovery process. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure why I thought it ever would.


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