# In a nut-shell



## monnolith (Feb 21, 2007)

This is my first post, and I've just recently admitted to myself that I have a problem. 30+ years of denial still ain't making it go away. I have made an apointment to see someone next week.

I was abused as a child, grew up fast, and dropped out of a bad school in an even worse small town. I've been floating from one "entry-level" position to another ever since, even though I'm quite intelligent (have passed the entry qualifier for mensa). My GF (I'm sure now "ex" GF...) tells me that all I need to do is "choose" to be better. OMG, how incredibly ignorant. Toxic, and counterproductive. I've been trying to tell her that I'm "different" for over a year, and the only thing she can see is how much I am inconveniencing HER.

I really tuned out in 2003, after about a decade of marginal anti-social behavior, and a decade previous to that of self-loathing. In 2003, I broke up with a super-high maintenance GF (3 yrs of chaos, but the sex was great) that left me completely drained. My tank never filled back up.

My symptoms include:
- emotional numbness (see comment above about "ex" GF...)
- lack of empathy (I lose NO sleep over the pain others feel)
- sense of isolation (I feel loneliest in a room full of people)
- depression ("What's wrong with me? Why am I 'broken'?")
- anxiety (I live one-day-at-a-time to minimize the stress)
- dream-like state (like I'm walking through cotton batting from the eyes up)
- loss of motivation (gym, mountainbiking, martial arts - all things that I LOVE, but feel no desire to do)
- loss of sense of consequence (see above comment about "ex" GF...)
- impared concentration (I now find I have to read aloud to fully understand something)
- empty mindedness (I can quite literally think of nothing)
- poor memory (I'm good with names, tho... weird)
- difficulty processing new info (I rue the day that I have to show proficiency in a job setting or test)
- feeling hollow (literally having no innards)
- disjointedness (I look at my feet as tho they have been left "laying around" by Jeffrey Dahmer)
- unable to recognize reflection (I "intellectually" recognize that the reflection is me, but feel no connection)
- anachronistic (I'll set every one of my clocks 15 minutes ahead, and still be late)
- lack of concern for potentially injurious events (speeding cars, slamming doors, sudden loud noises, falling objects, etc)

I have also been relentlessly pursuing inner discovery - turning myself inside-out in order to determine just who or what the hell I am. From what I understand, this doesn't help a DPer, as it only magnifies the feelings of disassociation. Layer after layer I peel back, only to discover more layers. Have you ever heard of a Mandel Brot Set? Well, instead of "infinite detail", all I'm getting is "infinite blur".

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with, is that I'm just "going through the motions" in my life. I rationalize that someone "should" feel/act a certain way in a certain situation, and so I feel/act that way, because I understand that I "should" feel/act that way as well - even though I DON'T feel that way, and DON'T want to act that way, either. Ya know, I even threw myself out of a completely good airplane to try and inspire some kind of emotional revelation - at TEN THOUSAND FEET - plummeted to the ground at over 150 mph, and the only thing that went through my mind was: "it sure is windy..." How sad is that?

I am so sick of being a passenger in my own life - stuck in the back seat with no-one behind the wheel. I didn't choose to feel this way, and I sure as hell don't enjoy it either.

As a sidenote: I'm reading this book right now called "What 'Should' I Do With My Life" by Po Bronson. It's a good read that's filled with stories of people who haven't (and have) found what they should do with their lives, but I find this website addresses the other side of existentialism (or lack thereof for us DPers).

Believe it or don't, but I'm kinda glad I'm not alone in how I feel. I'm sure I'll become a regular contributor to this forum. Thanks for the soapbox.

monnolith


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## Guest (Feb 24, 2007)

Welcome to our community monnolith,

The people here are great, I look forward to speaking with you.

Greg.


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## monnolith (Feb 21, 2007)

Thnx, Greg. I've thought for a while that I was somehow a flawed person who really didn't fit in anywhere. I see that there are many others who feel the same, and even tho the feeling itself is bad, it is comforting to know that we are all in this together.

<Group hug>


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## Hopefull (Dec 1, 2006)

Joins in the group hug.
))HUGS((

Hi monnolith,
Let me wish you a very BIG welcome.

Bailee


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Welcome!


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## monnolith (Feb 21, 2007)

Cloverstone:

Yeah - I checked out the memberlist to see if there are any more Vanny's here (in hopes of maybe starting/joining an actual "in person" support group). And while there are a couple who are registered, I haven't seen any newer posts from them. I guess I could PM them, just to see, but I haven't worked up the motivation to do so as yet.

In other news: I haven't talked to my GF in a week now... and the last time we spoke, she told me that she might not be waiting for me when I get things straightened out. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. We've been together for a little more than a year (with a short break) and talked about one day getting married, but are at complete loggerheads with "expectations" and "trust" and "acceptance" and "communication" in general. We haven't been on the same page for months with most of the above-mentioned, and are not even reading the same book with the "acceptance" part...

I'm numb to try and work things out, and know that if I capitulate, I'll only prolong this condition as I try to turn myself into something I'm not for someone else's acceptance.

What ever happened to living life for "me"? Hell, I'm still stuck on just making it through one day at a time.

More later.


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## Raindrops (Aug 21, 2006)

I experience most of what's on your list. Also, because I feel like a character from a fairytale book, I can do things I wouldn't ordinarily do when I felt alive.
Example: I used to be very shy and hated to walk past a bunch of strange people. Now, I don't care. It's like my personality has changed. I don't care what people think of me and I don't really care about anything in general, except for my kids and husband.

Most of the time, I feel like I'm hovering and float to wherever I'm going. Does this sound strange? 
Raindrops :wink:


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## monnolith (Feb 21, 2007)

I remember reading a poll once - it was about what people fear the most. The number 2 answer: Death. Death - number 2... Ya know what the number 1 answer was? Public Speaking. How weird is that?!

Anyway, to relate to your post, Raindrops (who only has one post per month since joining - but that's OK  ), I'm actually pretty good at public speaking, because I just don't give a rats ass about what other people think. BUT, secretly, I want them to admire me, and to want to be social and/or friendly to me outside of that arena. So, I both don't care at all AND care so very much. It tears me up sometimes.

I too, feel like I hover. I'll feel like my head is floating exactly 6'4" off the ground (because that's how tall I am) and my body is the cloud it is floating on. I'll get this feeling when around a lot of people walking around outside. I don't like feeling that way. But I do.

I was going to go sit by the ocean today, but I couldn't motivate myself to do so. Must be a really bad day for me.


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