# HOCD



## laserdog (May 1, 2005)

when i'm dp'd i have many anxieties rushing thru my brain! 3which i now believe to be OCD! growing up i was very shy quiet! which made me anxious at social gatherings school etc.... the pressures of school etc pushed me into feeling soooo bad about myself. now i'm 24 and have been and beat all my anxieties and dp to have felt alive again. i know what makes me feel good about myself. i know at the time how i felt and the times i was genuinely happy. i know i was happy as i was confident interacting had zero anxiety and was feeling emotions good and bad about situations.

for the past three weeks i let an ocd thought back in, which in fairness has torn my life apart. i was managing it at first but the anxiety levels reached a too great a level! i keep thinking back to my child hood.

during this low point in my life confidence etc.... i wasn't bullied as such but i was so weak mentally i took jokes the wrong way etc. i had many insecurities, as i'm grtowing up, my friends all had girl friends etc yet i was soo scared to talk to girls etc...made me so frustrated in myself.

as i entered my teenage years or even a little bit younger 11-12-- i remeber finding a pack of male nude playing cards in my sisters room, and as i remeber being curious to what was on them! i looked through them and i in no way became aroused or fantasied about anything on them. i was more so curious about the human body etc... no more about that till years later when this ocd/dp kicked in.....i then developed as such (HOCD) obsessive thoughts of being gay, stupid thoughts that i fancied my friends or random ppl... looking at any male at times was hard as i feared being gay. i was still getting turned on by woman and hard with woman... anyhow as i hit 18/19 i turned my life around started going to the gym felt confidence in myself and the HOCD disappeared i could once again socialise with the same sex without getting anxious play sports etc. sounds daft but hand shakes and stuff, i could make jokes about being gay (just banter i'm not homophobic) because i felt relaxed with the person i am....i can real off the events in my life with women i've fancied emotions good or bad in relationships. genuine emotions have been there...

any how modern day me! i got myself built up to a peak, full of confidence, i got my first steady girlfriend-- i can honestly say i felt real emotion when i first saw her! i so wanted to be with her! i went thru emotional ups and downs fearing she didn't like me, in the end she did and we got together! for the first time in my life i felt free! i had everything i wanted....instead of living mylife in my head. my reality was perfect! 10 moths of pure enjoyment, the hint of her naked or being near me even touching my leg would send me wild! even her texts or voice would..i had zero hocd thoughts at all! being her had me so relaxed and content 

then 3 weeks ago, i thought to myself! i wonder what she'd think if she knew i had HOCD in the past! and boom! the loop started again! me dragging up all my insecurities from the past. i maintained my life as normal for about 18 days! feeling anxious, but when seeing my gf i would relax life would be as normal no problems getting aroused, without going into detail, when i was in the motions i felt so on top of everything (no pun intended) no anxieties crossed my mind.... but in normal life at work i was keep re assuring myself in my brain that i wasn't gay, which started a loop again.... in the end 3 days ago i couldn't get to sleep and before i knew it full on anxiety attack! its been like that for a few days! then i made an appointment this morning to see the doc. my mind is looping i'm gay and thinking back to the time with the cards, or my hocd fears thoughts "shit i'm looking at the member of the same sex am i gay" even tho i know i'm not! if i was gay i would have had serious thoughts about having sex with men! i would find gay things applicable etc but i dont!

anyhow went to see the doc, and i talked thru my anxieties in general. and he taled about meds and conselling. i got home and decided i'm doing neither! after googling my fears and anxieties! i now know they have a name! i have read 2 websites which have re assured me soo much! i no longer feel anxious! and i feel i can talk about it!

with me anxieties over the years were mainly down to me feeling soo self concious and low self esteem combined with growing up and curiousities which i'm sure everyone goes through during that period of life, yet i knew i was straight just found it hard to express myself in any sort of sexual way because iwas so quiet! i wouldn't talk to girls! i would openly in public with friends comment on girls as it made me feel nervous coz i was always known as the quiet one so if i did anything apart from that a big deal was always made of it! to a certain degree now, i act differently around my friends as i know how they percieve me so in a way i play to that, which gets me down coz i'm not myslef. with my girlfriend i felt so alive and happy with my life, i wasn't petending any of it! i was at peace with myself, if i was naturally gay surely i would have felt anxieties about being with a women other than nerves?

anyhow....i read these 2 sites one describes HOCD and ones just about motivational stuff! both really good! its worth reading! i've had other OCD thoughts over the years about all sorts! me being evil having teminal illness, people i love dieing etc etc... so the HOCD is just one of many!

take time to read through these sites! sorry for the long post just i felt i had to type! growing up i did have insecurities which i suppose all shy ppl do who have no self belief! the symptoms of HOCD on the first site describes me to a T!! i'm not a gay in denial! fact!___--just once i get anxious all sorts of crazy shit enters my head!

http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php

http://www.inspirationinsights.com/2007 ... el-better/

i know hwere my sad times and happy times were, the hard part is realising your in a bad spell and getting out of it! with out getting anxious! i've stopped eating and going to the gym which has increased my anxiety so if i get back to that, and just keep doing what used to make me happy and what i know has made me happy then i will return to my inner peacefull self!

thanks for listening!!


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## jimmyb (May 9, 2007)

Just hang in there Laserdog your gonna be fine. You got over this once...

...You can do it again.


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## laserdog (May 1, 2005)

ana mate! just doing it again! this time its harder.. in the past i've been on my own, now i have a gf obv its alot harder! one day i was my happy jolly self, now i'm this miserable fucking nobody!

i thought to myself if i could take my self out of this turmoil in my head and be gay would i do it? the answer is no!! the happiest times of my life and my most inner peacefull ones have been with my gf!

its just anxiety! i have to accept that! i have had inseurities in my past. when i'm 100% i can talk about them.... just now i'm in this anxious state it feels like my world is collapsing! i'm analysing every aspect of my life old and new and questioning was i happy was i sad , why this why that!.....when i was happy a few weeks back... i had zero anxieties! every day was there to be lived, i was happy getting up, happy going to work, even happier seeingmy gf....i was even thinking to myself, "god i cant believe i'm this happy and free in myself, only thinking about relevant things in my life.... i was thinking about marriage, buying a new house new car..etc..etc.... now i'd trade in all my money just to be back where i was! if someone gave me ?6million it wouldn't make a bit of difference to my feeling!!!


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