# Intense feelings



## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Hi all

I understand that a lot of you guys have problems feeling your feelings and that it's a common symptom of DP. I was quite numb the first couple of months with DP, but I have seemed to gain some contact with my feelings again. My problem now is that, although I'm still numb I sometimes have extremely intense feelings of anger and sadness. I also feel a lot of tenderness and I very often feel like crying when I'm with other people. It has actually become a huge problem for me, stopping me from having the social life that I need. Now I know that I need to let it out, but it's so difficult for me to be vulnerable and express my feelings in front of other people, even my parents. I come to visit them a couple of days a week, and I often want to cry to and yell at them, but I hold it in. I know that if I could show them my feelings I would feel better. But I always end up observing myself, it's just as if I switch on a mental mechanism and this little internal voice says to me "you really shouldn't bother them, you really don't want be a problem to them, it doesn't matter how you feel, you really don't struggle that much, it's not such a big deal." But I think that the ability to express my feelings and really connect with other people on a deeper, emotional level is the key to recovery. It really frustrates me that I don't have the guts to show the intensity of my feelings to them or to the few friends I have left. My social life has been almost non-existing due to the fact that I feel like crying all the time and that I really don't stand being so vulnerable in front of other people. At the same time I know that the only way towards healing goes through beeing able to feel, tolerate and express these emotions. I was a quite alienated and lonely teenager, and I guess that a big part of me has always been like that. When I was 24,25 however things started to change, I was becoming more outgoing, more confident etc. On the day after my 25th birthday I ate this marihuana brownie, had a bad trip and all these positive things were just gone...

I have just started psychotherapy, hoping it could help me feel a bit empowered. But today's session made me discouraged since the therapist told me I have some borderline psychotic symptoms and that she couldn't rule out the chance of later developing a psychosis. Personally I don't think I will, since I have coped with worse symptoms than these for over 3 years now, and Im 28 at the time being, but it still affects me that an experienced therapist says this and suggests I should start taking anti-psychotic medications, referring to my feelings of detachment and unreality and my social withdrawal. I had hoped she could help me ventilate some of the strong emotions I have on the inside, and help me build my confidence so I could start to express myself more, I still hope she can help me with that. But Im in doubt if words are all that helpful, sometimes I feel like yelling and shouting and jumping around cause I have so much pent-up energy and excitement that I don't know what to do with. I feel that the biggest enemy in my life is and maybe always has been the need to stay in control.

Well, hopefully will find some strength to express myself soon...


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## Xerei (Feb 17, 2010)

same here...I used to get these waves of emotions sometimes..suddenly sad, suddenly pissed...and sometimes it was positive emotions, I think it's the way your brain gets the emotions out quickly..
Imagine the emotions as air, your brain as a balloon, it fills up, but it has to go out for the balloon not to break.


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## razer777 (Jun 28, 2010)

I'm glad someone else gets this. When this was happening to me like 2 months ago (and still happens on rare occasion) it always freaked me out that it was a sign I was going nuts.


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## Kellysmom (Sep 23, 2010)

snow storm said:


> Hi all
> 
> I understand that a lot of you guys have problems feeling your feelings and that it's a common symptom of DP. I was quite numb the first couple of months with DP, but I have seemed to gain some contact with my feelings again. My problem now is that, although I'm still numb I sometimes have extremely intense feelings of anger and sadness. I also feel a lot of tenderness and I very often feel like crying when I'm with other people. It has actually become a huge problem for me, stopping me from having the social life that I need. Now I know that I need to let it out, but it's so difficult for me to be vulnerable and express my feelings in front of other people, even my parents. I come to visit them a couple of days a week, and I often want to cry to and yell at them, but I hold it in. I know that if I could show them my feelings I would feel better. But I always end up observing myself, it's just as if I switch on a mental mechanism and this little internal voice says to me "you really shouldn't bother them, you really don't want be a problem to them, it doesn't matter how you feel, you really don't struggle that much, it's not such a big deal." But I think that the ability to express my feelings and really connect with other people on a deeper, emotional level is the key to recovery. It really frustrates me that I don't have the guts to show the intensity of my feelings to them or to the few friends I have left. My social life has been almost non-existing due to the fact that I feel like crying all the time and that I really don't stand being so vulnerable in front of other people. At the same time I know that the only way towards healing goes through beeing able to feel, tolerate and express these emotions. I was a quite alienated and lonely teenager, and I guess that a big part of me has always been like that. When I was 24,25 however things started to change, I was becoming more outgoing, more confident etc. On the day after my 25th birthday I ate this marihuana brownie, had a bad trip and all these positive things were just gone...
> 
> ...


I have only had this for 5 weeks, but I know exactly what you are talking about. I feel the same way. I feel like I am going to explode sometimes because of it! Good luck to you with your psychotherapy.


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