# I don't love my own mother. What is wrong with me?



## Guest

I think the title says it all.

My problem is for some reason. I don't love my own mother, I don't hate her I just simple don't feel anything for her.

Now their is nothing wrong with my mother she doesn't drink she doesn't abuse me, she always taking care of me and she loves me but to me she just a stranger and I would just rather be left alone.


----------



## chiara

how old are you? Do you have children of your own?


----------



## CECIL

My guess is that you have supressed your feelings for your mother, denied them and ultimately created this "space" for yourself where you cannot feel anything, because to do so would unleash all of the emotions you have been supressing.

I think the solution is to dig deeper into your relationship with your mother (which would be much easier if you were to get some professional help). Its quite possible that you are incredibly angry with your mother for some reason (which could be very small and seem insignificant to an adult, but it could have taken root when you were only a child). Rather than let this anger out you have bottled it up over time and eventually you arrive at your current state where you pretend like it doesn't exist (on an unconscious level, that is).

If you discover these feelings, express and release them and then work through them, you would probably find yourself able to love her again.


----------



## Guest

As Cecil implied, there could be a chance that you are surpressing feelings which causes a space. On the other hand, this may not be the case. Your username is "Autie", do you happen to be Autistic? I may be off base here, but let me explain. I am a High Functioning Autistic, and I can relate to your problem. My mother and father have always taken care of me, loved me, never physically or emotionally abused me at all. But I fail to recognize love. It doesn't mean I can't love, or can't feel love, I just can't recognize it or express it the same way as others can. At times, I feel guilty for this. But some people are wired differently, and express love differently. It's not wrong, just different. Sometimes I find other ways to show that I do care, even if I have a hard time feeling it emotionally. But I can however, feel it intellectually. That means I _understand_ she loves me, so I show it by helping her out in chores, etc. Again, I may be off, and I apologize. But many introverts, not only Autistics, feel this way about other people. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. I hope even if I am away from how you feel, I hope you can understand.

Void


----------



## Guest

Thanks to everyone who replied



chiara said:


> how old are you? Do you have children of your own?


I'm seventeen and I don't have children. I know it can be normal of teenagers to not have the best relationship with parents but mine just seems bizarre and I felt this way about my mother for as long as I can remember. When I was a younger child I didn't like mother hugging me and wouldn't let her.



CECIL said:


> My guess is that you have supressed your feelings for your mother, denied them and ultimately created this "space" for yourself where you cannot feel anything, because to do so would unleash all of the emotions you have been supressing..


Clever theory don't know if it is the case with the feelings (or lack of) I have for my mother.



CECIL said:


> I think the solution is to dig deeper into your relationship with your mother (which would be much easier if you were to get some professional help). Its quite possible that you are incredibly angry with your mother for some reason (which could be very small and seem insignificant to an adult, but it could have taken root when you were only a child). Rather than let this anger out you have bottled it up over time and eventually you arrive at your current state where you pretend like it doesn't exist (on an unconscious level, that is)..


I don't know if I'm particularly 'angry' with my mother however I'm annoyed with having to co-exist with her. I generally don't relate to people nor really wish to, but I'm *not *saying that I want to be _completely_ isolated with no contact with people what so ever or anything like that I just prefer being alone and wish to spend very little time with others.



CECIL said:


> If you discover these feelings, express and release them and then work through them, you would probably find yourself able to love her again.


The thing is I don't really think I do wish to love my mother (which concerns me). I guess the reason I posted this is because I want to know why I'm like this. I make my mother cry sometimes and I feel a bit of guilty but not because she is crying but because I feel guilty for not feeling guilty however even that soon passes.



Void said:


> Your username is "Autie", do you happen to be Autistic?


No I'm not Autistic. There is a bit of a story behind the name but it's unrelated.
However Thanks for share the idea, even though I'm not Autistic your I find story quiet helpful.



Void said:


> But many introverts, not only Autistics, feel this way about other people. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. I hope even if I am away from how you feel, I hope you can understand.
> 
> Void


True you don't have to be Autistic to feel that way and I think I do understand what your saying. Thanks for the reply.

Anyways my concern is that when I'm talking to or around my mother I feel she is a complete stranger even though I know she is not than I think to myself 'this person is your mother' and it shocks me it doesn't seem right I know her yet unfamiliar to me I guess you could say she's a familiar stranger (wow now that doesn?t make much sense). I don't know how to explain it.

Well that?s it.

I feel like I'm insane or something


----------



## Guest

Sorry post ended up posting itself more than once for some reason


----------



## Guest

same as above, must of hit the submit botton too hard or something, sorry


----------



## eclecticsheep

maybe you are too dependent on her
therefore all the love you have for her looks more like annoyance to you


----------



## Sojourner

autie wrote a while ago:

"Anyways my concern is that when I'm talking to or around my mother I feel she is a complete stranger even though I know she is not than I think to myself 'this person is your mother' and it shocks me it doesn't seem right I know her yet unfamiliar to me I guess you could say she's a familiar stranger (wow now that doesn?t make much sense). I don't know how to explain it."

--------

I had the same exact experience, but my experience happened when I was observing how mean she was! I said, "Ugh, this person is your mother." She wasn't a total ogre, but she had her own problems and was a bossy thing (she'd grown up taking care of her younger brothers when she was herself just a child of 8). I was appalled that this person was *my* mother.

It could be you have strong negative feelings for her and that you feel guilty about it. That's what happened to me, but now I am able to realize how very much I hated and loved her at the same time. Today, of course, there is only love.

Your feeling toward her sounds like a defense, and like all defenses, our unconscious always seems to batter the walls until we deal with repressed feelings. Let them out and amazing things happen.


----------



## Epiphany

I had a similar experience with my husband.

When I became dp'd I felt nothing for him. Through no fault of his at all. I did however know that I loved him, I just couldn't feel it...he looked like a total stranger to me. In fact, it was the same with everyone. My family, friends, everyone I had previously had such immense feelings of love for just seemed like nothing to me anymore...strangers, and I had no real desire to maintain contact with any of them. I thought of running away to be by myself, but realised I didn't actually want to be isolated, I just wanted to run from the realisation and the guilt that I felt nothing for them.

My feelings for everyone have since returned now that my dp symptoms have lessened, but not to the same extent that they were prior to dp.

From reading through other posts it seems to me to be a fairly common symptom of dp.

I think it is important to maintain a good relationship with your mother despite how you may or may not feel. It really does make life easier. I hope things improve for you.


----------



## Socrates_macabre

I agree with you Autie, the whole parent/child symbiosis doesn't make any sense to me.
Just because this person birthed me I'm suppose to love them unconditionally?
A mother is just another person in my opinion.


----------



## Guest

As a mother I love my kids more than anything in the world, I do not like my own mother though, I had to be my mothers mother so to speak, the majority of the time. The parent child relationship was non existent, it was all about her and her needs.

A good mum doesn't demand it of you to love her, her own needs are secondary. The love of a decent mother is couragous, she knows her kids may hate her at times because she has to put boundaries and rules in place. But she can handle that because she just loves them and wants to do what's in their best interest, whether they like her for it or not. Good parents don't place expectations on a child to satisfy their own emotional demands.


----------



## Socrates_macabre

I wish you were my mother


----------



## Guest

Socrates_macabre said:


> I wish you were my mother


Aw wow, thanks Zach.


----------



## daisymay

Hi Autie
I'm new so sorry if I don't get my posts right or say anything annoying. Anyway, just wanted to say that I don't love my mother. Well, I do, but I also hate what she has done and often am able to feel nothing at all but pity and regret towards her. I think it's imprinted on us as humans to feel strong emotions, or at least experience them in some way about your parents (and feeling guilt you don't feel it the way you feel you are supposed to is a strong emotion). But my mother actually has done some really shocking things, but I never realised how bad until recently (I'm 47 now). It's weird how the mind works, because I can't believe I didn't realise before because it's kind of glaringly obvious in one way (eg just one eg she has conned me and my kids out of a lot of money that was supposed to be ours, and we need it and she is very rich, ironic, eh?), but even knowing this I would have most of my life sworn blind what a caring, understanding mum who gave us all she could etc etc both as children and as adults, or at least tried to convince myself so. I am learning to cope with the process of cutting her out of my life completely, practically and emotionally, but it's hard. What I meant to say re your situation is that although this may not be at all your particular situation, and your Mum may be a great Mum to you but that there is nothing wrong with not feeling love for your mother, it's just society expects we are meant to, and we are meant to in a particular way and it's hard to break that taboo. The issue that is important is you and your feelings, not any right or wrong, or supposed to's. I hope this helps, anyway. It helps me, having these discussions, so  to everyone here. Daisymay xx


----------

