# Neme's story (Depersonalization, Anxiety and Bipolar II)



## nemesis (Aug 10, 2004)

I?ve been gradually getting worse since my last log a couple of weeks ago. Things were almost looking up a couple of weeks ago, but I've since taken a bit of a downward turn and reverted back to my old ways. I feel like a complete space cadet at the moment. My memory, cognition and memory are shot to pieces and its completely destroying what little self confidence I had.

I?m having gross difficultly organising my thoughts into both the areas of writing and speech, so please bear with me. Things have become so bad that I?ve started to have issues speech again, as in with the actual pronunciation of words without slurring or speaking too quickly. A physical representation of my disjointed thought pattern might be seen in an act of stupidity committed last week when I disarmed the house alarm when I come home even after realizing that a roommate was in the house. I will also find myself going to see movies and will not absorb any part of the plot, feeling like a complete fool when my friends have to explain even the simplest plots back to me in detail. I have no attachment to my surroundings and I'm finding it extremely hard to feel any sort of emotion at all. I?m just completely flat all of the time. Both of these examples may not appear to be of a huge concern to most, but your life tends to feel a little out of control when its one of ten or more similar instances which occur each day.

There were times in the past where I used to avidly research things such as quantum physics and astronomy. I would try and take in anything that my mind would soak up. I could lecture you for hours if you'd dare ask me what my interests were, but now? These days I can barely find the inspiration to pick up a book, let alone harness the cognition to digest its material. I guess I'm just so scared of coming to the 'realization' that my mind is destroyed and this will cause me to avoid the challenge. Avoidance relieves the temporary stressors, but it?s also a double edged sword as I have now begun to deeply hate myself for my lack of ability to undertake tasks which require some concentration and thought. What has happened to me? Where did it all go so wrong? At what point in time did a bright young teenager become a shell of a person teetering on the edge of taking his own life.

Nine years after being struck down with this disorder and I?m still unsure if all that ails me is a combination of chronic GAD combined with depression, or perhaps this is all caused by irreversible organic injury of head trauma, alcohol or SSRIs. I?ve taken EEGs, CTs and MRIs and they?ve all come back negative to testable / visual damage, but I?m still having trouble coming to terms that someone that effects me to this extent for so long can possibly be anything but a physical, irreversible injury.

Whatever the case, I?m slowly losing my life worrying the prospects of recovery from both options. But to be quite honest, I couldn?t bare the thought of having to live without the possibility of being the person I once was. There are times when can almost feel what its like to be sharp and connected again, but I can never quite grasp it. When?s it time to pull out of this? Its been a nine year nose dive so far. I've stayed stagnant while those around me have taken new challenges, overcome and moved on. Does it happen suddenly, or is it just something you grow out of? Its been so long since I?ve felt normal - I really wouldn?t know where to start.

If I only had one wish, it would be for money or fame, it would simply be to have that person back again.

</rant>


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## Guest (Dec 4, 2004)

You sound like that guy from "a beautiful mind".

You sound like you need to do a Uni degree in your chosen area before your brain burns out

You've got a strong analytical/intellectual mind I think. I think in high school it didn't get enough stimulus. You sound like you need massive intellectual stimulus all the time, else your head deteriorates. I dont think your friends or anyone can help you. You need to massively stimulate your intellect. You sound like a mad professor I can see you toiling in a lab somewhere, sweating your brain power - and loving it.

I think you have capability for high level intellectual application. Your brain is wasting away horribly because it needs to read the encyclopaedia brittanica from cover to cover, every volume to get it's daily food


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## BMF54123 (Aug 10, 2004)

I first read your post a long time ago, but I'm just now starting to see how much it mirrors my current situation. It's good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing these things. It's just a little bit frightening and depressing to look back at things I created not even a year ago, snippets of program code I wrote and webpages I designed, and not have the slightest clue what any of it means. How can knowledge and experience just disappear like that?


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## Guest (Apr 24, 2005)

My god
Reading your post was like listening to my own thoughts streaming through my fucked up head. I was once considered an intelligent, gifted person. Now, only several years later, I can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I can't do anything. I can't think anything.
The only thing I ever wish for is to have myself back as i was before.


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## jill10 (Apr 16, 2005)

Aww neme

sounds like i could have written this and many others too. However an individuals problems weigh heavy on ones heart and all i can say is keep your chin up and find someone that you can trust to talk over things with.
someone that can ground you back to reality...if it exists at all. (just kidding). Attacks of worsening dp/dr seem to be cyclic and returns when stresses occur or anxiety erupts, however I have been reading that there are times when the brains chemical imbalance is brought on by fluxes in our environment. For example, times of the year when the weather is bad, electricle storms etc and if your diet is poor.
I know its hard and seems easy for people to hand out information and advice but if its worth a go and costing too much what have you to lose in trying it? It has been suggested that folic acids help dont know how true this is though, good luck matey jill


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## nemesis (Aug 10, 2004)

Ive recently undergone and workup which has combined the results of CT, MRI, EEG, SPECT, Blood levels and an indepth historical recount. I feel that I have finally come to a clear and concise understanding of my disorder. If nothing else, this highlights how complex disorders exhibiting the symptom of depersonalization can be.

So for the benefit of all of those who may relate, my diagnosis in its simplest form consists of two major parts:
- An anxiety based, OCD disorder.
- Mood disorder, commonly known as Bipolar II.

I have always known that I have an anxiety disorder, in the past showing OCD like symptoms without the physical 'checking' behavior. This form of OCD would normally show itself as intrusive thoughts (commonly the worst possible thought you could conjure up at the time) followed by the rumination of trying to rationalize why those thoughts have occurred. Historically this has taken form in several subjects of rumination; the fear of being physically ill in public, the fear of hurting those around me, the fear that my cognitive abilities have been permanently, negatively affected. All of these symptoms were based somewhat in truth; I felt physically ill, and my cognition was indeed affected.

The SPECTs results have shown that cause behind the current anxiety disorder and it's related cognitive problems appear to originate in an intensely over-active cingulate gyrus. The cingulate gyrus is best known as the 'emotional thermometer' of the brain and sets the scene on how the subject will react to certain stimulus. To my current knowledge the cingulate gyrus is also somewhat involved with the passing of information throughout the brain, attention, the shifting of thought and the free flowing ideas.

A website(http://www.driesen.com/glossary_c-d.htm) states that "(The cingulate gyrus) appears to provide an interface between the decision-making processes of the frontal cortex, the emotional functions of the amygdala, and the brain mechanisms controlling movement. It communicates (in both directions) with the rest of the limbic system, as well as with other areas of the frontal cortex. The cingulate gyrus plays an excitatory role in emotions and in motivated behavior in general." This adds to the theory that an over active CG may cause problems in the following of signals from the emmotional cortex to the frontal cortex, therefore possibly cutting out the frontal cortex (executive function) from partaking in unfolding environmental events leaving me foggy, bewildered and only opperating in an emmotional state. The psychiatrist has told me that clients taking mood stabilizing medication can start to 'see' there anxious response instead of soley feeling them. This could be interpreted as the increased inclusion of the frontal cortex in thought.

In my case, the cingulate gyrus is intensely active in the resting state causing a constant high emotional response to stimulus. This will also make communications within the brain more difficult as one of its communications channels has been over-utilized, and will show itself in the form of an affected attentional response along with cognitive difficulty.

The cingulate gyrus however does appear to normalize somewhat during times of intense concentration. It is probable that this change accounts for the high IQ scores that I have been obtaining whilst constantly feeling 'out of it' and disconnected from my environment.

The mood disorder was far harder to diagnose. It was only after careful analysis of historical mood swings where I have been to determine a pattern which has lead to the Bipolar diagnosis. To briefly recap:
- Periods of feeling 'normal', with healthy levels of confidence and cognition.
- Periods of feeling highly intelligent, excess amounts of energy and the making of foolish decisions.
- Periods of intense amounts of agitated internalized aggression, most notably while I was beginning Arropax.
- Extended periods of intense depression.

The lack of control over my moods has always been somewhat of a mystery, yet I was never able to pick the shifting as Bipolar because of the extended periods of time. Moments where I would begin to lift from my depression and gain confidence and enhanced cognition have always been interpreted as a healing, and then lifting from the depression. The times where I would mysteriously slip from this state into an agitated, depressed nightmare have historically for the most part, been attributed to changing life events; the ceasing of medication or any other reason that I may use to rationalize the loss of my healthy mental state. Of course, this is the curse of Bipolar and the cause of why so many people aren't diagnosed for up to 10 years of suffering. No body will visit a doctor when they're feeling on top of the world.

Both the mood disorder and the anxiety disorder appear to be the result of a combination between a genetic predisposition, ataxia at birth, and environmental stressors and poor methods of dealing with these.

A diagnosis is great, but it needs to be accompanied by a plan for recovery. The mood disorder is currently being kept at bay with a very low dosage of a mood stabilizer (as of next week, 25mg of Lamictal). The anxiety and cognitive disorder is somewhat harder to resolve. I now know that I have an extreme sensitivity to SSRI's and therefor cant, nor wish to take a medicated quick fix. I have noted that under times of lowered stress I appear to have an increased cognition. It is during these times that I believe my cingulate gyrus may be silencing itself towards a normal state. Under times of duress, such as high stress combined with the lack of sleep, the cingulate will be firing at its hardest, and therefore giving me the maximal amount of grief. My only hope in this case is to learn calming techniques and different ways of interpreting environment events.

I strongly believe that the mood disorder is heavily influenced by the cingulate gyrus and the way that I handle anxiety, and therefore learning coping techniques will be my prime objective. I hypothesize that lowering my anxious threshold will increase my awareness of my environment (lowered derealization), elevate my cognition capabilities and also build on my self esteem. Generally, I just need to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. I also need to avoid ruminating at all costs now that I have an accurate diagnosis. The positive outcomes achieved in the reduction of the anxiety could only help but affect the mood disorder in positive way. There may hopefully come a time when I can release myself from the Lamictal.

I have been waiting 8 years for this. Finally, everything makes sense. I having finally been able to let go and start moving forward.


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## university girl (Aug 11, 2004)

Hey Nem,

Looking for an update here. 25 mg of lamictal is quite low. I recall from that study out of King's College that showed a 40% success rate when treating DPers with lamictal that the target dose was 250 mg. Anywho, let me know how you're dong.


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