# Finally trying this out



## short66 (Dec 27, 2011)

Hey, Ive had DP for probably 3-4 years now. Id like to start off by telling my story. For those of you who don't know, pure o stands for pure obsession OCD, or OCD with out the compulsion part.

My Pure Obsession O.C.D/ Depersonalization Story

Pure O and Depersonalization have been plaguing my life for 3-4 years now, with the possibility that pure o has been around even longer. I predict the time line with such uncertainty because I really am that unsure of when it all began. That's the worst part, it seems that everything about my mental disorder is so vague and unclear that even as I write this I'm not positive how I got this or if this is even exactly what I have.

I often wonder how this all started, was I destined or better yet prone to this happening? What exact factor of my life experiences led me to such a devastating present? And of course I cant help but wonder if it will ever go away, sometimes it seems so relentless, so monstrous of a problem that it does seem near impossible. But each day I trudge forward, often astounding myself with how well I really am doing, but doing well in the face of disaster is not doing well at all.

The pure o is the worst. Its so stupid really, I have these weird thoughts that I don't want to have, but yet they're there, time and time again. That's the oxy moron about pure o, for as much as you wish the thoughts gone they keep coming ten fold. The depersonalization is right behind pure o on the scale of horrible. Like two runners finishing a race milliseconds apart creating the need of a high speed sensor to tell exactly just who came in first. Making me feel out of touch with reality every waking moment, causing even the simplest tasks to become hard and tedious. Put the two together and its no wonder that I question my sanity regularly.

Its weird to think that something as terrifying as pure o and D.P. could come from something as simple as being too self conscious, such as worrying about what people think of you or how good looking you are. But if there was one problem that started all of this that would definitely be it. I have always been a higher than average self aware person. Self conscious and sensitive are part of who I am for better and for worse. Along with being socially intelligent and a good faker, I have always been able to pretend that I'm happier or sadder or more interested than I really am. Along with too much self critiquing( ironic) and self consciousness I began to become a fake person around my friends and eventually around my family too.

All of these things where always based on low self esteem and where ultimately anxiety provoking. Heavy obsessions began with my looks and leaked over into thoughts of what I seemed like to other people, and at one point no one not even my own father was seeing the real me. As this all built up, it eventually took over to the point that I started to notice that I couldn't stop it. Racing uncontrollable thoughts ranging from my facial structure to the origins of mankind shot into my mind, and then depersonalization set in. It was during this time that I realized I couldn't stop it that I started to go through my mental breakdown. Looking back on it I realize that it was actually my same amazing ability to analyze myself that helped me through these times. I remember being so out of my own skin that I was crying in my dads arms as I lay reciting the bible line for line trying to put myself in a trance to rid myself of the feeling just a bit. Those days were so unbelievably bad that the memory of one night to this day horrifies me.

About the same time I began to believe that the cause must be physical, or organic in nature. I had read about a condition caused from the yeast naturally found in our bodies called Candidiasis, or overgrowth of Candida, which had been known to cause mental fog. Then once again this obsession leaked over into what other possible physical ailments could be causing my condition. (To this day I believe its not logical to rule out an organic cause entirely, but pursuing that option will be entirely up to a psychiatrist.) And up until fairly recently my almost sole belief was that it had to be physical. The reason for me being so set on all my problems being of physical origin is because whole heartedly I wanted to believe they were. I wanted to believe that I would find out that it was " meningitis" and that this had been forced on me all along, I really hadn't caused all these problems and I would take a pill and the problem would go away. But as many different tests would soon show, the real truth was becoming more and more obvious.

Now as many months have past I have began to deal with my self much more. I began to truly try to stop caring about looks, not obsess on myself, and let all the racing thoughts evaporate. This has ended me up where I am today. An overactive obsessive brain using a defense mechanism to shut me off from myself. Hoping desperately to move on and live life as I once did. I'm a normal person still dealing with the mistakes of the past. As unbelievable as it may seem sometimes, I know that I understand what I am going through much more than I used to, this all is just a little less foggy, and if I'm not mistaken, I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.


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## Overloaded (Sep 8, 2011)

Social intelligence. I like that. Talking to people I used to change my speech patterns, humor and gestures to mimic whoever was talking to me. I've always conformed myself to become more appealing to them due to a fear of being unliked. So that of course, like you said involved faking emotions. I've never really had a solid identity of my own.

Glad to hear the fog is changing, slow as it may be. My mom has OCD, her sister and dad are schizo. I got bits of the OCD so I know how tough that is. Thoughts will absolutely stick to my brain and won't leave for days meanwhile giving me unrelenting anxiety. I've learned the less I know, the better off I am. It's time to stop caring so much and chill. Stressing and obsessing ruins people. Easier said than done but still possible.


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## mcalohan (Dec 30, 2011)

That's beautiful man. Thank you for sharing that.

I totally understand the social mimikry. You just learn to adapt.


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