# I just don't think I can do this anymore.



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I feel like every day I lose touch a little more with reality. I want to cry. Today is one of those days I am absolutely positive I have schizophrenia.

I watched a movie last night (12 monkeys) and there was time travel in it. I suddenly panicked because I thought "Is time travel real?". It was like I had become so absorbed in the movie (a SCI FI movie) that I didn't even know what was real anymore. I panicked. I know time travel isn't real, and could never be real. But I feel like i'm losing my logical skills to understand this

The movie really scared me for some reason - probably because it mixed schizophrenia, insanity, and a plot that had no relation to reality.

Anyways, I spent the night panicking - feeling like I didn't know the difference between a movie world and my own reality. I feel completely crazy!!

Guys... I seriously think i'm losing it. Its so hard to accept that it is just an illusion. Still no one notices anything different about me, but i'm so scared of losing my mind.

I keep telling myself that it is the fear of being crazy that is making me feel so scared and crazy, but I can't stop scaring myself.

I feel like i'm running out of options - that i'm minutes away from being crazy.


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## billyc (Jan 25, 2009)

We all fell like that from time to time buddy. Some more than others. You are just having a bad day, thats all. Go back and read the thread about you arent going crazy or going schizophrenic. That will help you calm down by showing you a different perspective than you are feeling right now.

Hope this helps you.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Matt, I promise you are not going crazy. I gave you my number the other day, right? (sorry, I have a terrible memory) Don't hesitate to call if you need to.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I don't know what to do. I've already taken my Klonopin for the day but I think I may take a second. My current prescription is for one per day, but my previous prescription was for two and I know 1mg per day is still a relatively low dose.

There is some sort of OCD element in this to me. People with OCD are convinced that something is going to happen even if logic says otherwise. In the past when i've had trouble with OCD thoughts like thinking I was going to become a serial killer and other HORRIFIC thoughts, I noticed common trends there of people believing (but not really believing) illogical things. For example - a lot of people have this terrifying fear that they are gay when they are not (not that there is anything to be afraid about of being gay, but they are in committed straight relationships and it would thus change their lives), others feel they are going to harm someone or themselves, etc.

This is what I feel like with insanity - i'm convincing myself that I have schizophrenic symptoms when I don't. I have a constant nagging fear that I am developing schizophrenia and it is taking over my life.

Or at least thats my pathetic attempt of using logic to calm myself down.

I'm just so freaked out right now.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

It really screws with your head huh? Hang in there.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

surfingisfun001 said:


> It really screws with your head huh? Hang in there.


It really does. I feel terrible about coming on here and constantly whining about the same things. Things feel so different for me with each episode - i'm positive that THIS is the moment where I will go crazy.

But I know to everyone else it just sounds like more of the same.

I really, really need to get back in with a psychiatrist. 6 days and counting...


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## Guest (Feb 5, 2009)

The fact is that you DO know the difference or you wouldn't be questioning the difference. When you get these freak outs you need to try and remember and remind yourself that these are just feelings. Remember, really you do know what is real and what isnt, it just _feels_ like you don't. You shouldn't abuse your benzo prescription, it's not a long term solution. You need to challenge these thoughts with as much logic as you can. Are you having CBT or anything to help you to learn how to deal with this thinking?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Matt210 said:


> I feel terrible about coming on here and constantly whining about the same things. Things feel so different for me with each episode - i'm positive that THIS is the moment where I will go crazy.


I feel the same about coming on here and constantly whining, but really it's the only place I can share stuff with people who can relate. I think it's good to have a place to vent when needed, though I know what you mean about feeling bad about constantly whining.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Spirit said:


> The fact is that you DO know the difference or you wouldn't be questioning the difference. When you get these freak outs you need to try and remember and remind yourself that these are just feelings. Remember, really you do know what is real and what isnt, it just _feels_ like you don't. You shouldn't abuse your benzo prescription, it's not a long term solution. You need to challenge these thoughts with as much logic as you can. Are you having CBT or anything to help you to learn how to deal with this thinking?


Absolutely nothing right now besides meds. I've just been to see my family doctor. Long wait lists to see any mental health professionals.

I've done CBT in the past with limited results, but i'm going back into therapy with a more open mind this time.

And don't worry - i'm terrified of meds in general, I'll be the last person to start abusing Benzos (though i'm sure plenty of stronger people have said this and found themselves addicted). Just thinking today I could maybe use a second one. I'm holding off as long as I can though.


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## Guest (Feb 5, 2009)

I found myself addicted to benzos twice, I know its really hard, but a benzo addiction is the last thing anyone here needs on top of everything else. I did abuse them, that's why I warn against it. BUT if you are having a real crisis, then it doesn't hurt to use a little extra benzo, if you are absolutely desperate.

Maybe your last CBT didn't get to the real bottom of things for you or maybe you just need a refresher, you know, to help you digest it more fully.

I promise you that you aren't going crazy, I know it feels like it, and I totally know how terrifying that is.

Feel free to PM, if you want to.

Good luck.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

A million thanks to all of you.

Don't know what I would do without this board some times...

I'm hanging in for now. Haven't taken Benzo #2 yet and won't unless I have to.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

good call


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Didn't take the benzo. Got to sleep okay. Took another one (my daily one) this morning. Its one of those days where its just not working.

So i'm completely anxious - thinking i'm going to go crazy at any moment. It's such an overwhelming feeling - I'm positive i'm going to start seeing things any second or something.

Blahhhh - so sick of this!!!


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## creativeinchaos (Dec 8, 2008)

Matt, hang in there man. I've definitely been there with the OCD thoughts. Thinking things like I'm going to become a serial killer, or maybe I was destined to be one... even though I never really want to hurt anyone, and would most definitely kill myself before I killed anyone else. Don't worry!

Just breathe. Let your breaths come naturally, your body will do it on it's own when you need oxygen. Focus on just the inhale and the exhale, nothing else. Talk about relaxing... That, mixed with a benzo, you'll be cool, believe me. If my advice didn't work, watch this:

youtube.com/watch?v=e0rSmxsVHPE


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hey,

Actually that video helped me. Nine times out of ten meditation does not work for me as I am unable to quiet my worries and anxious thoughts. But I actually had a decent session of deep breathing there.

Thanks.

I'm feeling okay right now. Still feel a bit on edge, like a panic attack isn't far off if I find the wrong triggering thought. But for the moment i'm okay.

Being kept busy by school work right now which is at least a distraction, if not a pleasant one.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

So I went out for dinner and drinks at this 'murder mystery' themed place tonight. During dinner you meet a bunch of characters, and then one of them 'dies' and then you try and solve the mystery while you eat and get drunk. Its a cool place - lame, but cool at the same time.

Anyways - I spent the entire beginning of the night testing myself to make sure that I knew that the actors were really actors: "I understand these people are just actors right?" and freaking myself out if my response didn't feel adequate. What the fuck is wrong with me? No Matt - these outrageous characters are real people and someone has just been fucking murdered in the back room.

Even if i'm not going crazy, isnt this bad enough? Maybe i'd be better off being crazy - I could just spend my life on the run from the government that isn't really after me or have conversations with my TV set instead of sitting here obsessing about going crazy.

Like, i am SEVERELY f u c k e d this time.

Sorry to be a downer but I had some beer tonight and the world just seems like absolute shite to me right now. I just want to LIVE life - not spend it in a battle to ward off insanity that is probably not even coming.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

mate read some of my posts i know how u feel, its shit. im stuck inside my mind, i have panic attacks, mood swings but worst of all i think of suicide a lot. Im still here man, lifeis horrendous for me, i hate waking up and i hate going to bed, but im still breathing.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

dancingwobbler said:


> mate read some of my posts i know how u feel, its shit. im stuck inside my mind, i have panic attacks, mood swings but worst of all i think of suicide a lot. Im still here man, lifeis horrendous for me, i hate waking up and i hate going to bed, but im still breathing.


Yup, breathing and my heartbeat seem to be about the only constants in my life. Guess i should be thankful for that. But my mind is just such a mess.

I've always had such faith in the past that I can get better, and I got better in the past. For whatever reason this time I feel like i've just messed myself up too much.


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## utterlyadrift23 (Feb 7, 2009)

that is precisely how I feel right now. I feel like no matter what I do I will always have to live with this anxiety/derealization/panic disorder nonsense. I really do feel like I ought to give up. I feel trapped and my thoughts constantly torment me. Three years ago I was a positive, confident and very adventurous guy. Now I've morphed into a fearful and lifeless zombie. On occasion I try and tell myself that there is a reason, a higher purpose for why I am going through this all. Perhaps if I were still adventurous I probably would have died earlier or something. It's hard to say. Nothing make sense to me. I was very dependent on the girl I was seeing and now she has left me, and I have broken down. When will it end?


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

utterlyadrift23 said:


> that is precisely how I feel right now. I feel like no matter what I do I will always have to live with this anxiety/derealization/panic disorder nonsense. I really do feel like I ought to give up. I feel trapped and my thoughts constantly torment me. Three years ago I was a positive, confident and very adventurous guy. Now I've morphed into a fearful and lifeless zombie. On occasion I try and tell myself that there is a reason, a higher purpose for why I am going through this all. Perhaps if I were still adventurous I probably would have died earlier or something. It's hard to say. Nothing make sense to me. I was very dependent on the girl I was seeing and now she has left me, and I have broken down. When will it end?


I hear you. And to go through a break up at this time just adds so much extra complication to the matter.

Hang in there. It gets better. I know I hardly believe it myself - but the way we are viewing the world and our lives right now is not accurate. There is hope.


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## Guest (Feb 7, 2009)

I don't think it's lame, it's totally cool, I've always wanted to take part in one of those murder mystery weekends. I've always had a fascination with murder mysteries etc...But I am odd, anyway... :arrow:

Don't enter into the debate with yourself, no matter how convincing/unconvincing the thoughts in your head are about what is real or not, know that you know the reality and leave it there.

None of you give up.

Matt, I got your PM thanks, I'm onto it in a lil bit, hope that's okay.

Lynsey.


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## utterlyadrift23 (Feb 7, 2009)

Thanks for the reply matt.

I was wondering whether anyone else had intense derealization. For as long as I am awake, I am constantly reminded of my health issue. When I tried telling the GP what I was going through and how everything looked a bit different (extremely difficult to explain) he wrote down that I was hallucinating. I am NOT hallucinating, everything looks different in a really bizarre way. Not in shape or form, but I think in terms of perception or perhaps the zoom of it. Just feels weird, and I can't really describe it.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

utterlyadrift23 said:


> Thanks for the reply matt.
> 
> I was wondering whether anyone else had intense derealization. For as long as I am awake, I am constantly reminded of my health issue. When I tried telling the GP what I was going through and how everything looked a bit different (extremely difficult to explain) he wrote down that I was hallucinating. I am NOT hallucinating, everything looks different in a really bizarre way. Not in shape or form, but I think in terms of perception or perhaps the zoom of it. Just feels weird, and I can't really describe it.


Most people here have intense, chronic derealization. I actually don't currently. I have this thing where things feel a bit weird/foreign but it is nothing like when I went through the chronic derealization a couple years back.

So the answer is yes, its normal - and your doctor is nuts for telling you that you are hallucinating. The feeling that you are in an alien world where everything is completely different, but nothing is ACTUALLY different is exactly what DP is. It is even common to have some visual aspects to it - lots of people experience things as too far away, etc. But yeah - for the most part mine was like I had fallen down the rabbit hole in ALice in Wonderland yet nothing was actually different to any of my senses.


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## utterlyadrift23 (Feb 7, 2009)

Thanks for the Matt. I'm also feeling really tense and depressed. My ex is out right now, and the thought of her perhaps with another guy kills me. I can't take the pain of that very thought. What if something happens between them already. We only broke up a few days ago but it's really hurting me. I suppose more so because of the condition I am facing...


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## hippieho (Dec 19, 2008)

i h eard form a really good doctor that.. if you have feelings that your going crazy them its highly likly your not because if you were youd think your absalutly fine just sounds like a bad day to me that you were having hope your feeling better


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Matt, I relate so much to everything you write in here. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I feel like every time I get this back, I'm more screwed up, my anxiety is worse and my thoughts about going insane is stuck in a loop that is freaking me out. I wish I could just scream and throw things, I'm so frustrated and scared! I have a baby to take care of and my biggest fear is that I'll never recover and be a normal mother to him. I don't want to sit on a bench feeding pigeons outside the psychiatric ward when he's growing up, but these days I'm convinced that's what is going to happen.

Anyways, I wanted to say that I don't think you should be too scared about taking an extra benzo if it helps you calm down and feel better. Every brake you can give your brain is good for you. If you feel better having taken meds, write it down, and then you have it in writing that you're not always this dp'd. And if benzos help, it's probably your extreme anxiety that is causing all the messed up feelings/thoughts that you have now (I'm trying to convince myself of this too). I wish I could give you more advice but I know you have probably (as the rest of us) read every bit there is on this subject. Hope you'll feel better soon.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Matt, firstly thank you for your posts and secondly best wishes on getting better. I too have had/have OCD-thoughts from time to time and i feel that i can relate to your situation, infact i think we have similar personalities and problems. Im not in any position to give advice but, dont drink any alcohol what so ever, drink very little or no coffee, and dont be afraid of benzo?s. And know that you are stronger then what you probably think you are.

Looking forward to chatting with you, _Inzom/Chris.
_


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## gia (Jan 17, 2009)

really saddens me to read this, as i often find myself relating 100% to your posts, & unfortunately this post too...
i really can't offer anything much to this topic, but i do hope you start to feel better really soon x


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hey guys,

Thanks - this is actually an older post of mine when I was at my absolute worst. I was doing quite a bit better for a while, and then have been a bit worse again lately. But i know recovery comes with ups and downs. I'm hanging in there. Really appreciate the good wishes.


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