# I can't get rid of paranoia and thoughts of dying :(



## welcomeoblivion (Mar 29, 2010)

I feel like I'm getting better steadily, and whenever I seem to be busying myself and having fun (last night I was at a party, and had absolutely no symptoms or bad feelings whatsoever) but the smallest thing can trigger paranoia in me. I never used to be this bad before I started experiencing DP/DR and anxiety in their bad forms lately.

I can not stop feeling scared about dying and wondering and worrying about something bad happening to me, or thinking something terminally ill is already wrong with me. Before I thought it was MS, and now tonight I can't shake the thoughts about cancer. Once I begin thinking about it, my thoughts will run a mile a minute and start to get me so upset that I will develop different symptoms of anxiety and start to shake and feel like crying. Tonight I kept thinking about how scared I am to get cancer. I know it's selfish of me to think like this but I can't help it when I get like this and the feelings kind of spiral out of control.

I kept thinking, and have thought for a while, that life must have no meaning because we could all get cancer or a terminal illness tomorrow, and then I kept thinking that people die every minute in the world, and people get cancer every day, and why do we all just live life like it's so normal when we could be diagnosed with something that could end it tomorrow? Why do so many people talk about illnesses like they only happen to other people, when it could very well be them or someone they know that gets it? Why do we all live so carelessly? Why do we eat food we shouldn't and why do people smoke and do drugs and why do we constantly destroy ourselves? Why do we do things like destroy the earth and pollute the air and blah blah blah? Then I think that I'm probably destroying my nervous system and heart and entire self by letting myself be paranoid and stressed and anxious like this, and it makes me feel so much worse, which only fuels the anxiety. And once you start feeling like this, you can't really just snap your fingers and make it stop instantly. It just turns into a really upsetting cycle. When I get anxious and upset, I feel lightheaded, sometimes my skin tingles, and I feel like I could go crazy with rage or faint. I've also kept thinking about where we go when we die and that I really hope there is a heaven because I want there to be somewhere worthwhile so we don't have to be afraid of death, but at the same time feeling scared, because I'm more of an atheist, and sometimes I wish I wasn't. So many things go through my head and it's so disturbing.

I think this is the worst part of this...the paranoia. If one little thing somehow seems out of the norm for me (and things that probably happened to me before and happen to likely everyone, but never bothered me like this before) I will not be able to stop thinking about it. Like, for example, if I get something from anxiety (like tingling, itching, rapid heartbeat, etc.) I will not be able to stop thinking about one of those things to the point where I can bring them on again with my thoughts. Today, I was sitting and got a random muscle cramp in my leg, and I think it was because of the way I was sitting, and I worried about it for hours to the point where I couldn't stop thinking something was wrong with my leg, so as a result, my leg felt weird. It wasn't until later that I saw some friends and was having a laugh with them and then realized that my leg was completely fine because I was no longer focusing on it. Another time, I had my hair up in a tight ponytail, and it was kind of feeling like pressure on my head, and I felt like something was wrong with my head for a couple of hours, and as a result, I could still somewhat feel the pressure on my head, even when I took out the hair elastic and let my hair down. But when someone took my mind away from it, then I suddenly had forgotten about it and later realized I felt nothing wrong with my head. So this is how I know I kind of instill feelings into myself and screw with myself with my head and focusing on certain body parts, because if I stop thinking about it then I don't even feel half of these things I think I do. Literally, if I sit for a few minutes and think about tingling skin, like what I get with anxiety, my skin will start to tingle, or if I think something could be wrong with my heart, it will start to beat more rapidly. My mind is a lot more powerful than I ever realized before.

I've talked to my uncle who has a Ph.D and has a good idea about all of these things and he insists I am perfectly fine. He says I'm an obsessive thinker (which I am) and as a result, I'm more prone to paranoid thinking. I just wish I could break this way of thinking because I don't think it's making me any better. I just wish I could go back to when I didn't think like this. I thought I was getting better with everyone reassuring me I was fine, but tonight I'm all alone at home and can't sleep (it's now 5am where I am) and kept thinking too much and brought this feeling on again. I think the solution is that this won't come about when I make sure I'm always busy or active or around others, because then I won't think about these things, but I can't guarantee another time won't come along where I might be alone or bored and bring this on. It really sucks, and I don't want to do damage to myself by bringing on such anxiety like this...with or without my paranoid way of thinking, this literally can't be healthy.

I want to see a therapist, but what I'm really afraid of is that if I choose to do that, then I'm like, making it real to myself that something is wrong with me, and then with my way of thinking, I might upset myself and it won't be a big deal. If, like everyone is telling me, I'm really fine and all I need to do is fix this cycle of thinking, then I guess that's what I need to keep trying to do, and I guess it takes time to fix and doesn't happen overnight. It's just that it's really hard and I feel like maybe it will be easier if I talk to someone professional. What should I do?


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## dufkiddix (Apr 24, 2010)

OMG... everything you wrote I can relate to. Word by word I am so amazed that you have had the same feeling I've been having lately. How crazy are we? I am very sensitive to any little weird feeling in my body too. Like any little weird muscle movement, heartbeat, or other feeling freaks me out. And I also learned like you that this only happens when I focus on it. It get's worse when I think about it. When I'm with friends or family I'll forget about it and I"ll be fine... but when I'm alone that's when I get all paranoid. I can't even sleep because I feel like I could have a heart attack in the middle of the night and nobody would be able to help me. I live alone in an apartment and I think the solitude gets to me. I think a lot, way too much for my own good. I'm scared that I may be causing my body health problems because like you said the brain is a very powerful thing and if you think very hard about something it happens!

Like the book... The Secret for example. They say that you can have anything you want if you want it bad enough. Something about the law of attraction. And that scares me because if were thinking about bad stuff all the time like CANCER... are we creating it?

Please reply again I want to know how you're doing.

Thanks.


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## welcomeoblivion (Mar 29, 2010)

dufkiddix said:


> OMG... everything you wrote I can relate to. Word by word I am so amazed that you have had the same feeling I've been having lately. How crazy are we? I am very sensitive to any little weird feeling in my body too. Like any little weird muscle movement, heartbeat, or other feeling freaks me out. And I also learned like you that this only happens when I focus on it. It get's worse when I think about it. When I'm with friends or family I'll forget about it and I"ll be fine... but when I'm alone that's when I get all paranoid. I can't even sleep because I feel like I could have a heart attack in the middle of the night and nobody would be able to help me. I live alone in an apartment and I think the solitude gets to me. I think a lot, way too much for my own good. I'm scared that I may be causing my body health problems because like you said the brain is a very powerful thing and if you think very hard about something it happens!
> 
> Like the book... The Secret for example. They say that you can have anything you want if you want it bad enough. Something about the law of attraction. And that scares me because if were thinking about bad stuff all the time like CANCER... are we creating it?
> 
> ...


Ahhhh...yes! I have watched The Secret too! As for what you have said about that reference to the 'law of attraction' analogy...I don't think they quite meant it that literally. I don't think we can create cancer or other illnesses with our mind, I just personally have been afraid that my anxiety is literally not good for my body and heart, etc. because stress in general isn't good for you. I mean, we can't exactly create tangible things with our mind, so I'm sure we can't create cancer that way. The law of attraction applies to getting what you want in life...if you keep aiming towards certain things and directing your efforts towards certain things and people, and doing it the right way, it gets you what you want in life...I think that's what it means, like that author of the Chicken Soup books that they featured in the DVD and what he did to get famous. But I'm in an okay state of mind right now...if I were in a more paranoid one, I'm sure I would twist something into thinking exactly what you just said, so haha, I get you.

I understand what you mean about being alone and I think that has a lot to do with feeling like this. When we are alone and not busying ourselves, it gives us the chance to think deeply about these sorts of things and then I think that's what initiates the cycle. I'm in a period in my life right now where I'm really stressed and upset about feeling alone because I've kind of broken away from all of my friends I once had. I'm also about to move away and get my own place and I'm stressed about how that's going to work out as well. I kind of realized that this is part of what is making me upset and it makes perfect sense that all my feelings are just stemming from anxiety. I had a bad experience with marijuana a couple of months ago that I think has enabled the anxiety and panic to be so bad, but the depression and stress is what is initiating it in the first place, I think. I have had some times between the bad experience where I have been perfectly fine, and they were all when I was with others and having fun. The only thing that is still really getting to me is the fear that something is wrong with me, and I've literally become a hypochondriac through this. I get into moods where I can be okay about the other things in my life, but will still have that underlying fear that I might have something wrong with me. I keep examining my body and freaking out if I think something isn't right, and my mom just keeps telling me that I'm fine and this will get better. Every week or so, there seems to be a new illness I think I have. When I step back and look at it all, it seems totally ridiculous and I guess I can say the only thing wrong with me is anxiety, but if you get me into a really bad state of mind, I almost believe what I'm fearing and can manipulate my mind into believing it. It's messed up, but I have to say that this past week or so, I have tried to keep my spirits up, and I haven't felt as bad.

I think one of the biggest ways to fixing this is to make sure you're being productive and try not to be alone as much as possible. Maybe see if you can stay with a family member or friend every now and then, if you can do that. It feels so much better not feeling alone.


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## AG-0258 (Jul 1, 2013)

I feel like I can relate to both of you! Im 16 and have revently been really paronoid about dying.. Mostly about what happens after your dead. The first time I started having thoughts about it, it only lasted about a day and I wasnt so much freaked out about it as I am now. And after that I stopped thinking about death completly for awhile. Until about two days ago. I thought it was going to be like the first time and it would last only a little and go away. But it didnt. I cant seem to get the thought of death out of my head. I have the same thoughts as you when you say you wish you could just go back to how you were before. I can relate to almost everything you said its crazy. I also had a bad expeirnce with marijuana. I smoked before and never had any problems till one time. That one time I got deja vu horribly. I was having conversations with people that I swere I had before. I felt like I was reliving the past. And I hated it ever since then when I get deja vu I freak out. I think that may have helped trigger my paranoia. Another factor that I think triggered it is that I have felt very alone. I currently have close to no friends. And spend my days home alone. (not so much now that my parents are having vaction time off work)

I have done alot of research since I have been having these thoughts. About is there life after death? Can you be reincarenated? I have read about people having near death expeirences. And how they had an out of body expeirence. And reading articles about people saying they got to communicate with deceased relatives help my paranoia go away. But not for long. It has been coming back and coming back no matter what I have done. Writing about it right now helps but I know it will come back.

Ive began to notcie it affecting my daily life. I see my thoughts just drifting towards the subject. Like the other day I was in working at a farmers market and I saw this family. They had three generations a grandma, mom, and a daughter. Then I began to think thats gonna be me one day. Im transferring from a child into an adult. And I feel like my childhood has slipped through my fingers. It went by way to fast in my eyes. and before I know it I will be 30 then 40 then 50. I relaize I have my whole life ahead of me but that doesnt help much.

I read that it is perfectly normal to be scared of death. However when it starts interfiring with your daily life its not. I just want to be "normal" again. And not have these types of thoughts. Then I think would I be completly oblibious to the fact of death have I not had/have these thoughts. Like you said earlier why are people so carless

I have considered getting a therapist but I think getting one will make it more real then it already is. I think I will try to just keep track of my thoughts and what triggers my paranoia. And if it continues think about talking to a proffesional.

I just want to say thank you for writing your guys article it makes me feel a little better knowing Im not the only one having these kinds of thoughts.


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