# It's been YEARS...but I'm back :(



## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

I frequented this forum in 2007, then again a year or two later. I think it's been at least 5 years but here I am again.

It's not that I haven't dealt with DP/DR at all in the time I haven't been here. It's that I've become desperate for a sense of community again.

When I first found this forum, I was 19 years old. I'm 28 now. I'm sure no one here remembers me so I'll introduce myself properly.

My name is Danielle but everyone calls me Dani. I have 3 living children and a son that died at 2 days old. Since my first stint here I have left two abusive relationships and I'm currently in a decent/healthy relationship (aside from the turbulence my mental illness causes).

I currently do not work and am working on receiving SSI. I have an A.A.S. in Psychology (this does not make me a professional by ANY stretch) that I have not done anything with.

My diagnoses: chronic PTSD, Anxiety Disorder NOS comorbid with depersonalization, Bipolar Disorder type 1, and a recent and questionable diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Medications I currently take/recently tapered off: Paroxetine (Paxil) tapered off to Sertraline (Zoloft), tapering onto Gabapentin, Tapering off of Clonazepam (Klonopin), Prazosin tapered off to Clonodine.

With all of the above med changes, the DP/DR has come back in full force accompanied by near constant panic attacks. I'm scared and until I see my doctor on Thursday, I don't know what to do.


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## luctor et emergo (May 22, 2015)

Welcome back, all though the reasons are not positive.

How is your Clonazepam taper going?

For me it was / is by far the most challenging experience ever, to put it mildly.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hey Danielle. I remember you from a while back, we use to chat on here. We're still friends on Facebook. Nice seeing you again. Sorry to hear things are rough. I am basically in the same place (mentally) as I was back in 2007/2008. Welcome back and I hope things get better for you. Feel free to hit me up whenever if you want to talk.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

luctor et emergo said:


> Welcome back, all though the reasons are not positive.
> 
> How is your Clonazepam taper going?
> 
> For me it was / is by far the most challenging experience ever, to put it mildly.


It's not going so well but I think that's because I'm also withdrawing from Paxil and I'm not yet on a high enough dose of Zoloft to control my anxiety. I've tapered off before so I know I can do it. Definitely not fun, though. Benzos are rough.



surfingisfun001 said:


> Hey Danielle. I remember you from a while back, we use to chat on here. We're still friends on Facebook. Nice seeing you again. Sorry to hear things are rough. I am basically in the same place (mentally) as I was back in 2007/2008. Welcome back and I hope things get better for you. Feel free to hit me up whenever if you want to talk.


I remember your username! I remember who you are on FB, though. Glad to see you're still here, sort of. It's nice to see familiar "faces" although it may not be the best of circumstances. How have you been?


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

Hey! I remember you! I took a long break from the forum too but am back because I'm also looking for a sense of community. Good to hear from you, although I wish it were under better circumstances.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

invisible.ink said:


> I remember your username! I remember who you are on FB, though. Glad to see you're still here, sort of. It's nice to see familiar "faces" although it may not be the best of circumstances. How have you been?


Wish I could say better but I'm not. I've been dp/dr'd for about 10 years now. It's stayed constant the entire time. 24/7. Things in my life are not that great either. Been through tough times. But I am alive and trying to make the best of things. How are you and how has life been? Have you been experiencing dpd all throughout this time or has it let up ever?


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## DPSurvivor24 (May 18, 2016)

Hi! I'm new here. I suffered with DP for 6 years, but I've been DP-free for 9 years now. I joined this forum to listen or give any help I can. I know what it's like and how hard it is to find people who can relate. I'm so sorry to hear you are not feeling well, and although I can't relate to the other disorders, aside from panic and anxiety disorder, just want you to know that people are listening and you're not alone


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Wish I could say better but I'm not. I've been dp/dr'd for about 10 years now. It's stayed constant the entire time. 24/7. Things in my life are not that great either. Been through tough times. But I am alive and trying to make the best of things. How are you and how has life been? Have you been experiencing dpd all throughout this time or has it let up ever?


It's never completely let up, but it has been under control for the most part.
It's hard to say because I don't quite remember what being without dp/dr feels like, you know? But I've been able to live a *relatively* normal life as long as I stay stable on medication. And that's the issue. Eventually, a doctor/psych leaves their practice (seems to happen to me every few years) and you have to explain to and convince the doctor that takes over your old doctor's patients why you need certain meds. It sucks because each doctor has his/her opinion on medication.
I've gotten doctors that will say "you just need more therapy" or worry about what prescribing meds will look like on their record rather than what you need.

Aside from that, life has gotten in the way at times. A severely abusive relationship left me devastated with PTSD. My infant son died 2 years ago, which further cemented it and I was raped Dec, 15, 2015. So it seems that everytime I get my life together, something awful happens.  I sound like I'm moping, but in reality most of these things don't affect my day to day life. I guess it's the symptoms that these things caused.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

peachy said:


> Hey! I remember you! I took a long break from the forum too but am back because I'm also looking for a sense of community. Good to hear from you, although I wish it were under better circumstances.


I remember you, too! How have you been?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Wow dang sorry to hear about those terrible tragedies. That's horrible.


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## reachingout (Nov 29, 2015)

DPSurvivor24 said:


> Hi! I'm new here. I suffered with DP for 6 years, but I've been DP-free for 9 years now. I joined this forum to listen or give any help I can. I know what it's like and how hard it is to find people who can relate. I'm so sorry to hear you are not feeling well, and although I can't relate to the other disorders, aside from panic and anxiety disorder, just want you to know that people are listening and you're not alone


Hello, DPSurvivor24

How did you become DP-free?

What worked for you?


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## DPSurvivor24 (May 18, 2016)

reachingout said:


> Hello, DPSurvivor24
> How did you become DP-free?
> What worked for you?


Hi reachingout. It was a bit of a process but basically for me it was about really understanding what was happening in my mind. The thoughts just kept growing and growing and spiraling out of control. At first I needed medication because it got to the point where I wasn't functional. I didn't leave my home, didn't eat, and couldn't social normally. Effexor was what initially worked for me. Once I was at a point where I wasn't a 'raw nerve', which was what my doctor described it as, I began to start getting a normal life back. But I think one thing that gets many DP sufferers stuck is that we tend to be very philosophical people. So we just think think think and want answers, and that combined with a chemical imbalance gives us this disorder. So I researched. I researched the human brain anatomy, quantum physics, chemical imbalance.. Whatever I could till I realized that this is, at its core, just a bunch of misdirected brainwaves. What I was feeling was NOT correct. My thoughts were NOT correct. And I did NOT have to listen to them! Some people don't believe in meditation but it helped me a great deal. It is difficult for people like us, but it can be done and it does help. Once you get to a point where you can stop your thinking when you want to, it's incredible. Your suffering goes away. You cannot feel an emotion without a thought that precedes it. Eckhardt Tolle is very helpful in explaining this. His audiobooks were very helpful to me. And the biggest thing I think is reaching a deeper level of spiritually. We don't have to suffer. We are here to enjoy life. And even when things go horribly wrong, somewhere there's a reason but it's not up to us to figure it out. It took me a little while, it's not overnight, but I have a much deeper understanding now. And maybe going through it at the time seemed like the end of the world for me, but now I can hopefully maybe help other people and that makes it worth it.


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