# Greetings to all DP's



## Guest (Feb 19, 2006)

I'll get straight to the point:

I am a female, 55 years old, retired, single mom of a 33 year old daughter that I raised all by myself. 30 years of that time was with DP and other 'states of being.

My DP jumped out of the woodwork about 30 years ago with a crushing awareness that there was pain and grief everywhere, not enough love and acceptance, and that I was powerless to do anything about it. It was an all-consuming experience that so shocked my entire 'beingness' that I lost all previous connection to my sense of self and what I thought life was all about. My underlieing 'belief system' was shattered to the core. It was so bad that I would watch soap operas to try to regain a sense of how to 'be' in the world so that I would not be locked up in an institution somewhere and be subjected to the extreme lack of intelligence on the part of the mental health system AND the American Medical Association. I deserve a half a dozen Oscars for my performance over the last 30 years.

I would like to say one thing that I think is very relevant about my onset of DP. It was exactly like what I would imagine severe amnesia is about. I've had a driven sense of 'if I could only remember' for all these years. I even told some people about that.....that there was something I needed to remember......if only I could remember....why can't I remember? and so on.

My DP was not drug-induced. I've never done drugs and drank alcohol only minimally.

I've had a few 'psychic phenomenon' experiences. It would be easy to label those as a pathological aspect of DP except for one event and that's when I levitated off my sofa. If anyone is interested, I'll relate this and other less impressive events that occurred.

I found this site as a result of searching on 'Depersonalization Disorder' which is a term I came across while re-reading a book by Suzanne Segal called 'Collision with the Infinite.' I decided to see what was on the internet these days on the subject. It's intriguing to see how many people are going through this. There was no internet when I started my 'trip.' No support groups. No kind words. Nowhere to turn except to my own abilities to 'hang tight' knowing that somewhere, somehow I'll figure this out. I was driven to search for answers and read tons of books on religion, psychology, psychiatry, self-help, and even quantum physics, chaos theory, and tons of 'esoteric' literature. All of them provided 'ah ha's' and many provided powerful realizations. In the beginning I would get very excited about these realizations and try to share them. I soon learned that nobody 'got it' and, furthermore, nobody cared so I stopped talking about any of it.

So, nobody to 'play with.' A very lonely journey full of pain, heartache, heartbreak and fear.

Much more that could be written but I'll stop here. It's helpful to know you're here. The internet, in this case, is a blessing.


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

Welcome to the site, I definetly relate on suffering alone. Some DP people are getting together in June for the Nami conference, explained in the 'DP discussion forum.'

M


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## Guest_ (Sep 17, 2005)

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## Guest (Feb 20, 2006)

poonanny-"May i ask how long you had DP before knowing what it was."

I would say about 30 years.  I came across the term 'depersonalization disorder' just a couple of days ago and researched it on the internet. Prior to determining that DP was apparently the 'medical label', I had no other 'label' for it. A psychologist I saw a couple of years ago tried to put 'Dissociative Disorder' on me, but it didn't fit.

It always felt like a 'no self' thing so one day several years ago after I had my home computer, I googled 'no self' just for the fun of it and came across some info on a couple of books on the subject by 'real' people that had experienced what they called 'no self.' Bernadette Roberts and Suzanne Segal. I now have two of Bernadette Roberts' books and Suzanne Segal's only book. Those books were a tremendous reassurance for me.

Prior to discovering others with similar experiences, I simply 'play acted' and muddled thru while doing an enormous amount of reading and 'pondering.' All of it helped keep me going if, for no other reason, sheer morbid curiousity and willful determination. I consider that I was blessed immensely to have survived.....an accomplishment I frequently felt would not occur due to the tremendous body pain and sense of impending annihilation. I felt that a physical body could not possibly continue for long under those conditions.

The 'episode' that started the downhill run had to do with an ex-husband that 'messed with my mind.' Long story short: I would feel guilty of his accusations in spite of the fact that the thought of doing those things never entered my mind, much less actually do them. This puzzled me immensely. It scared me that he, or anyone, could illicit feelings in me that were beyond my control. I felt unable to protect myself from what I later called 'mind control.'

After leaving him and coming home to my grandmother's house (where I was raised), I found myself wanting to 'act out' his violent behavior. It was as if some part of me needed to do that to try to figure out why he was the way he was. It shocked me to the core. I didn't think I had that sort of thing in me. I didn't understand why I felt compelled to get violent, although I never actually followed through. At one point, I wanted to lash out at my daughter just from sheer cruelty and that 'urge' shocked me so bad that I actually felt a part of me 'leave' out of the top, left side of my head....a spot about the size of a half dollar. From that 'vantage point' I was able to 'see' myself and feel the feelings and stop myself from doing anything but I wasn't able to stop the feelings or 'change my mind', as it were. After that, I was more or less 'out of my body' to a certain extent for quite some time.

The next major episode involved my mother. She was mentally ill due to thyroid problems and I was very understanding and patient with her. However, one day she spent hours 'digging' at me for some reason. She said a lot of hurtful things but when she started saying things about what a horrible mother I was (I really wasn't), I tried to get away from her but she kept on and on. It finally punched a huge button and I 'snapped' and ran after her. She slipped and fell to the floor and I got on top of her and was getting ready to pound her head in with my fist. As I drew my arm back, the realization of what I was getting ready to do struck me like a thunder bolt and I 'shut down' right then and there. The rage I had felt was very powerful. It scared the hell out of me.

From that point on I kept a very tight reign on my feelings. It was very difficult to open up to let in 'emotinal input' from others without fearing that something they would say would trigger something in me that I might not be able to control. Eventually, I felt I had to squash all input and outgo of 'emotional' material. My first trip toward seeking help led me to "The Primal Scream." It seemed the perfect thing for what I needed. Unfortunately, the clinic was thousands of miles away and too expensive.

The final blow came on a day when it seemed that everyone in the household was determined to see how much they could hurt me. (BTW, this had never been the case while growing up there. It was as if all these people were 'pod people' and had changed in the brief time that I was gone.) At one point, I was simply standing there aghast and in shock at the whole 'vision' of the situation and yelled out at them "You're killing me!" (meaning my spirit). When I spoke those words, I felt some kind of 'energy' start to dissolve toward my solar plexus. It shrunk inward starting at the extremeties of my body. Terror filled me from stem to stern and my mind interpreted what was happening as sheer annihilation of my 'self' and it was not something I could 'decide' not to let happen. It stopped at a size of a quarter around my belly button and that's pretty much where it remained until the last few months.

So, I guess it was the result of about 3 years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse (although not much of the latter....a couple of episodes with my brother where he got 'out of hand.') The emotional abuse was the worst. I couldn't get my mind around it. It made no sense. I had done nothing at all to engender their behavior. I have since learned a lot about that and it's all okay. I don't blame them. I don't even blame my ex.

Well, I've written an awful lot here and there's still tons that could be said. The above could be called the 'Reader's Digest Condensed' version. Suffice it to say that my perceptual self was wiped out. It had no points of entry to resolve the type of input I was getting Nothing I already knew could make sense of it. However, I don't think the issues that came up when I came home after my divorce would have been nearly as confusing and traumatic if I had not already been very vulnerable and doubting my own mind and sense of self and my previous perception of reality. The only parts of me that I 'identified' with were rage, fear, and grief.

What kicked in was some kind of survival mechanism that had as its 'reason' the care and wellbeing of my daughter. If it hadn't been for her, I don't think I would have survived. On the other hand, if it hadn't been for her, I could have gone anywhere else but home and possibly found real help in a larger town with better facilities. The irony doesn't elude me. I didn't feel capable of caring for her somewhere else. At least she was around people that would not hurt HER. That was the only thing I knew for sure. Without me there she may have been raised with some neuroses but she would survive and that's something I wasn't sure would happen in a strange place with just me to look out for her. I couldn't even look out for myself.

As a mother, I went through all the external motions of caring for her but would not allow myself to feel the emotion of love for her. I was terrified that if I allowed myself to feel the immense love I had for her, that, at some point, she might break my heart in such a way that I couldn't bear it and something horrible might happen either to me or to her. And God help the person that made the mistake of hurting her or threatening her. I was totally prepared to kill somebody if that happened. When she started dating, I told her dates that they better be on their best behavior or I would track them down. I was a lioness about my 'cub.' God help the boy that laid a hand on her to hurt her and I meant that to the depths of my being.


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## Guest (Feb 20, 2006)

I realize I just wrote an 'epistle' but feel that I need to add an important event that changed everything for the rest of my years.

BTW, I need to add that there are probably plenty of other medical labels for what I have already described and therapies and/or medication applied for them. However, I tried many of those things and they didn't work. The following event is pivotal to the 'no going back' of any kind of 'normal' that I may have previously known.

I was now in my own home but only 50 yards from the house I grew up in and where all the 'strangers' were still living. Life was somewhat better only because there was quiet and the sense that I could control who came into my home.

I had just been 'up the hill' to see my mother. She was not doing well either physically or mentally. I came home and sat down on my sofa and starting crying. So much sadness, so much grief, so much fear. My crying became very intense. I began to feel consumed by grief. Suddenly I became completely aware of all the pain and grief not just in myself but in the whole world. It was as if I was feeling those emotions for each individual human being on the whole plant. The grief was immense!!!!

Gradually, I began to feel lighter in my body and only noticed this as a peripheral thing. I was still too engaged in the grief. After several seconds, I began to feel the most marvelous warmth and a sense of a love that wrapped every cell of my body. I became totally absorbed by that feeling. My body felt lighter and lighter. The sensation is impossible to describe in words. It's not like the kind of emotional love that we normally think of. This was a love that needs a different word. We have abused that word beyond all recognition of its true reality. There is no word for what I was feeling except LOVE. I never wanted to leave that place.

Unfortunately, part of my mind wanted to 'look at' what was happening. Something in me knew that if I 'looked at it' I would lose it. That part that wanted to 'look' seemed to be separate from the 'me' that was experiencing this wonderful place. I fought to stay with the feeling but whatever mechanism was wanting to 'look' was too strong. I felt myself 'coming down' and wanted to scream out that it stop and lift me back up. I felt the back of my legs come down on the sofa. That's when I realized that my body had actually lifted off the sofa and I had been floating in midair. This was astonishing! Two parts of me warred with each other. 'I' wanted to be lifted back up and wasn't interested in the phenomenon that had occurred. Some 'other' part of me wanted to think about what had just happened and 'be' in awe of it.

I have never been the same since. Being here on the planet had finally turned into a total nightmare. I now 'knew' what else there was to experience and I absolutely did not want to be here....particularly if I had to be here in the state I was in previous to the experience. I couldn't bear coming back to all that pain after knowing that experience. But I apparently had no choice.

As marvelous as that experience was, it only made dealing with my reality even worse than before. It took a very, very long time to accept my situation, get fully back into my body, and 'deal with it all.' But I was never able to be fully here. Something very basic had changed and there was no going back whether I liked it or not.

Who 'I' was became even more split than before. I was like an observer of my life from then on in a far more defined way. I 'experienced' life with all the pain and confusion but also watched it. Therapy and/or medications ceased to have any benefit whatsoever from then on. I also 'knew' things that made no sense to anyone else.....even therapists. I could talk at length about 'lofty' things in a very ordinary way but it soon became obvious that no one I talked to had a clue what I was talking about. I had no sense of being some kind of 'know-it-all.' The words and the 'knowingness' were very ordinary to me. I got strange reactions when I 'launched' on various topics. I eventually quit 'going there' because it put others off and created more 'interaction' troubles that I didn't need or want. So I just shut up.

Well, I've gone off the deep end and writing too much again. I really just wanted to relate the 'levitation' experience. It really happened. But it doesn't matter. It's only an experience I can hold in my own heart. It's not one that can be shared with anyone in any real sense of the word. I don't consider myself 'special' for having it. It only made my life more difficult in more ways than one. But, regardless of that, I still cherish it.

That experience created another catch-22 in my life. Catch-22's seemed to be the definition of my existence. Although the experience caused more pain, it also brought more comfort. I 'knew' there was something with us that cared and cared a great deal. It helped me hang on.

Subsequent reading of various esoteric material put the whole thing in a more substantial context and I was able to apply a lot of it to a workable perceptual 'position'. However, it was a 'position' I was to stand on all by myself because if I tried to inject any of it into external existence it created problems with others. This caused pain until I let go of any attachment to needing their understanding or approval. I would suffer in silence and realized I had nowhere to go but where I was and could only 'go there' alone.  Esoteric literature says 'the path' is a lonely one. I eventually understood what that means.

I'm convinced that DP is a transition of some kind. An involuntary evolutionary movement instigated by our true spirit. It's the beginnings of 'unattachment' to the biologically and genetically-driven aspects of the physical body and physical brain/mind's experience of the physical plane with all the 5-senses interpretations, emotionality, and intellectual memory.

I don't know what else to say at this point so I'll shut up for now. :wink:


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

Wow, I just want to mention that was a powerfully intense description of the DP experience. I think it said some important things about the DP experience.
I also really relate strongly to feeling like an oscar wining actor. I feel like that less now, but many times in the past I would think 'how can they not see it? How can they not see that I'm really not feeling anything?' I was often afraid to be found out, but I don't think I ever was. I did that because I had to in order to do things like hold a job and not look like I needed to be hospitalized. Others would believe absolutely anything, even make things up for their own mental convenience, other than see the seemingly obvious fact that I really just wasn't feeling anything.

M


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## Guest (Feb 21, 2006)

Methusala said:


> Wow, I just want to mention that was a powerfully intense description of the DP experience. I think it said some important things about the DP experience.
> I also really relate strongly to feeling like an oscar wining actor. I feel like that less now, but many times in the past I would think 'how can they not see it? How can they not see that I'm really not feeling anything?' I was often afraid to be found out, but I don't think I ever was. I did that because I had to in order to do things like hold a job and not look like I needed to be hospitalized. Others would believe absolutely anything, even make things up for their own mental convenience, other than see the seemingly obvious fact that I really just wasn't feeling anything.
> 
> M


Thanks for the positive feedback.  
Yeh, the 'acting' thing is really remarkable. For me, it added to some powerful realizations that we are less aware of each other than we could be. I use to genuinely feel that when I felt emotions that others could sense where I 'was at.' Mainly because I could 'feel' where THEY were at and thought everyone was that way. NOT!! But I didn't realize this until after the damage was done. Furthermore, because I didn't realize not everyone was that way, it added to my upset and fear that they were treating me that way because there really was something wrong with me that I couldn't see. The downfall literally began when I started doubting myself and giving credence to their attitudes. They were my family so I thought they were 'being honest.' sheesh I was so naieve...

I digressed just now and meant to say that I agree that others believe whatever you say but my experience is that they do more of what you said in the last part....make up whatever they want for their own convenience. There have been hundreds of occasions when I actually spoke the truth about 'where I was at' and they wouldn't accept it. They decided whatever they wanted to 'see' and no amount of telling them differently would sway them. THAT REALLY messed with my head bigtime.


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## Guest (Feb 21, 2006)

Welcome to the group. 
I can relate to your experience with DPD somewhat. I think it started for me when I realized I was helpless and so many things where going on around me that weren't within my control. After awhile, it's like we're going through the motions of living but not really *experiencing* all that we would like to.

I wish you well with getting rid of your dpd.

Take Care


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