# Hi, everybody...



## jeffg925 (Jan 2, 2021)

Hey everyone. Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Jeff and suffering with DPDR.

I'm in denial I have it. I believe a few different flavors of DPDR...

- That this is Hell and everyone and everything are acting (including all of you). Everyone and everything is a demon meant to torment me. I don't even know why I'm writing this post, because if you all are demons, then you'd just spoonfeed me what the perfect line would be to get my hopes up allthewhile smiling and laughing maniacally beneath your masks... Anyway, I still have some degree of hope that what I'm going through is DPDR and a mental health disease and not how reality actually is, so even though I'm extremely mistrustful and know I'm looking for validation which can't be given to me, I'll continue with the post.

- Also related to the previous one, that I'm in Hell and need God's goodness to save me. It feels like it's the only thing that can keep me safe. I had a religious upbringing but denounced God once I started to see my mom as crazy. But now, I can see her thought process. The anxiety or whatever that feeling is inside me, the itching, the fear, it feels like I can't handle it. Like it's a burning sensation and I have to pray to keep Satan at bay. Sometimes I believe it's Satan more strongly. Right now, it's very strong. I feel like Harry Potter with my scar being triggered and burning on the inside.

Can anyone relate? I'm struggling here. It's hard because I'm SO mistrustful of others on a fundamental level, but also want to be trustful because I feel others will turn their backs on me if I mistrust them, so I feel all alone.

I read that the fighting anxiety and DPDR thoughts is what keeps it going, but it also feels SO hard to accept that maybe that's the cause when you also view this reality like you're trapped in a nightmare or under the Devil's control and need to escape.

I'm pretty frazzled right now, so please be gentle.

Any help on how to overcome this is greatly appreciated.

Thanks


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## jessie123 (Oct 9, 2020)

Hey Jeff,

I know this must be so difficult for you right now and I will say something that is hard to hear but is also crucial for your recovery

You will never know whether this is hell or not. Yes, I could totally be a demon. You could just have DPDR. I won't try and convince you of anything because it won't help you, I promise.

I suffered with something similar to you, I had the worry that no-one around me is real and they are just empty hallucinations that I am having. (Solipsism) I spent about 6 months obsessing over it, constantly asking people if they are real, if they have thoughts in their head, crying and making myself completely miserable and bed bound as I couldn't prove that this life was real. It relates to what you are saying about trust - I couldn't believe that other people were telling me the truth, that they were real and that everything wasn't a lie.

The OBSESSION and constant seeking of validation is what drives this suffering. I believe that DPDR has strong links to OCD and I will post a helpful video about it below about this which made me feel a lot better when I was in a really dark place. Your anxiety is clutching onto things to obsess over and this idea that this is Hell is what you have latched onto. The burning anxiety is not Satan it is the OCD and obsessive adrenaline firing up and driving your fight or flight. Your anxious brain then uses this sensation to validate your feelings about Hell. These kind of things are GOLD for the obsessive brain and keeps the cycle turning as there is nothing to prove or disprove these thoughts and so your brain can run itself round in anxiety driven circles forever. The key to recovery from this is to just accept the fact that we will never truly know the nature of this reality. Break the vicious circle. Just because we don't know the nature of it doesn't mean we shouldn't at least try to experience it in the best way we can. If this is Hell, make it your bitch!

Seriously though, I know how hard it is to accept something like this. It is so so hard. That we will never actually know what is real. This time a year ago I was a shell of myself/I couldn't eat or sleep. I was constantly horrific thoughts and panic attacks and couldn't leave the house. Since then I have learned to accept that there are things we can never prove or disprove and thats okay. Eventually, you just start to feel that things are okay through your *experiences*. I have a conversation with my sister and I feel she is real. No amount of obsessive thinking can replace or tear down that feeling. When you are solely relying on your anxious mind to obsess about what is true or real your picture of reality will be skewed. But once you begin to calm the mind and experience things again, I promise you will feel differently and look back on how you are feeling now in disbelief.

The way I started to heal myself (and it was really really hard) was to try and carry on whilst accepting these thoughts. No-one is real. I accepted it. I talked to people anyway, I did things anyway, like I was in a game of Sims.

Accept that this might be Hell. That there is a demon writing this post to trick you. Listen to my advice anyway. Talk to the demons anyway, even though they might maniacally laugh behind your back and tell Satan what you've been up to. You need to get your mind back into a relaxed state and you can only do that by trying to live life again and proving to yourself that you don't have to know everything for sure and that things are okay.

I know that deep down you don't believe this is hell - or else you wouldn't seek validation. Validation is asking people to confirm what you already know.

You don't have to trust me with these words. You don't have to believe me. That's part of your recovery. But I believe that you are a strong person and that you will get better. Don't check and obsess on these forums too much as it fuels the obsessive mind. Try and accept, I know it seems impossible but it will get better with practice. I promise you will feel better and this won't last forever.


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## jessie123 (Oct 9, 2020)

https://www.dpmanual.com/articles/depersonalization-fears-and-anxious-thoughts

A couple of really good resources


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## Sebastiaan (Dec 19, 2019)

Hi Jeff!

I had DPDR for myself aswell with a lot of weird thoughts at the same time. What helped me to get through it is knowing that God will always help you and want to help you and be good for you. And if you do not trust that God will help you because of your mistakes, please know that this is wrong and that you can still trust and believe that God will help you, because of His Son, Jesus. Please keep the hope that it will be allright. Stay strong and I hope for you everything will get better soon!

Kind regards,

Sebastiaan


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Hello.

One of the biggest things people will talk about when introducing themselves is the "fishbowl" effect. Like you have a fishbowl on your head. Light sensitivity. Feeling above (and behind) yourself. Arms feel disconnected. I dont want to turn you on to noticing though because that is how you don't get better. You can't pay attention to that shit. But that stuff is DPDR for sure.

Ok so the stuff you talk about. Things are complex and hard to say. Your upbringing and certain factors could play a role in how you are/feel etc... But I will tell you this.

You have a fight or flight response. Sympathetic Nervous system. It can get activated and kinda stick, like it does with me. And you take on a lot of changes and effects being in this mode. It seems not the same for everybody but there can be a lot of overlap. One of those is a sort of paranoia which is the mistrust perhaps. hypervigilance and sensitivity.

You are seeing through this new filter. This makes it so things look strange. Disconnected. I remember feeling like peoples eyes were like a dark pit. With high enough anxiety and stress you can even stop recognizing people. You know its Bob but they seem/look different.

I really believe this is the effect of light sensitivity. The nervous system has got you ready for a problem. So like imagine you think there is a tiger in tall grass. You would want to be super focused and sensitive including any light flickering off of moving grass.

Well that light sensitivity does shit. It makes things look and feel different. For instance I would be talking to somebody and there would be a light behind them and the light would streak over their face. This creates effects. Contrast. Blur. I'm not saying this explains your "people wearing masks" thing but it could be. Because I went through similar stuff but I didn't go in to the whole heavy stuff you are. I just felt disconnected from people and they looked different. Life felt "creepy". You can get used to this, and also it can get better... like ya said. can't really "fight" it. You get healthy, work out, re-engage. Its easier said than done. especially if you have the full on Panic type shit I can have.


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