# How old are you?



## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

I think I'm too old for this website. I'm 52. Is anybody anywhere near my age? Or am I just floating around aimlessly wondering where I fit in? I'm an artist/poet and I've been floating for years and never had the guts to confront the whole thing. Oh, and my first DP experience was in high school after smoking pot -- 1971! How's that for ancient? Anyway, HOW OLD ARE YOU?


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## walkingdead (Jan 28, 2006)

45. Been like this for a litle over two years.


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## Universal (May 30, 2005)

I'm 21 and I'm going to be 22 in a little over a week. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR ME! YAY!


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## Pancthulhu (May 27, 2006)

Happy Birthday, Universal.

I'm 17.


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## Snowy (Aug 10, 2004)

28


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Yeah, happy birthday Universal! Hi everybody.

Walking Dead, are you okay? That's one heck of a name you chose.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

marymac said:


> I think I'm too old for this website. I'm 52. Is anybody anywhere near my age? Or am I just floating around aimlessly wondering where I fit in? I'm an artist/poet and I've been floating for years and never had the guts to confront the whole thing. Oh, and my first DP experience was in high school after smoking pot -- 1971! How's that for ancient? Anyway, HOW OLD ARE YOU?


I'm older than you, Marymac.

Soj


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## Guest (Jul 9, 2006)

22... I assume i've been in this state of mind all my life.


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## Andy (Aug 9, 2005)

I'm 41.


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## aldo1987 (Jun 12, 2006)

i am 18 been like this for 2 years now


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## Guest (Jul 9, 2006)

I'm 19. Too young for this crap. Been this way for 5 years.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Marymac, nope you're not old or alone.

I think there is/was a poll about this in the poll section.
I will be 48 at the end of the year. I've had this most of my life. Am somewhat better due to meds, time, therapy, CBT, DBT.

Seriously abusive family life. Never had a rec drug.

D


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## strigoi (Jun 27, 2006)

23...mine only happens during severe panic attacks or if my sleep pattern is very messed.


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## felimz (Jul 4, 2006)

19 years, been like this for two/three months


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## Heartbeats (May 23, 2006)

I'm 17


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Thanks, everyone, for responding. OK. I can see that I was wrong, I fit in here just fine.....

Anybody know why we don't call this Dissociative (related to Dissociative Identity Disorder)?

Last year I got this doll. She was totally soft, cute, handmade, long hair, a kind of funky dress. She had this backpack in which she carried a kitten. Well, I carried that doll with me everywhere for a while. In a way, she may have saved my life. I would cling to her when I felt really horrible. Thank god my boyfriend thought it was cute. I held her not only when I was floating, but when I was confronting within myself horrible "scenes" from an abusive relationship. After a few months, I felt like I wanted to take off the doll's backpack -- it was as if I gave her permission to stop carrying such a heavy load -- kind of a metaphor for myself giving up the heavy load of memories.

Anybody else every try this kind of therapy? I nicknamed it doll therapy.


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## none (Dec 29, 2005)

//


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## blackwinded (Jul 31, 2005)

im 19...been this way for over 3 years


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## blackwinded (Jul 31, 2005)

marymac said:


> Thanks, everyone, for responding. OK. I can see that I was wrong, I fit in here just fine.....
> 
> Anybody know why we don't call this Dissociative (related to Dissociative Identity Disorder)?
> 
> ...


I've always had Lots of stuffed animals, one in particular which is my favorite that i;ve had since i was 1 month old; a stuffed bunny named "bun" 
I Carried a stuffed animal evrywhere with me until i was about 12. Then i realized i was too old to be going out in public with a toy. But i still cuddle them all the time at home and take them for car rides and such.

But all this kind've led to an obsessive delusion about all my stuffed animals being real and how their soles lived in another world durring the times that i wasn't home with them.
...i still believe it, but im not quite as obsessive about it.


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

I am 25 and I have been in Dp/Dr land for about 9 years.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Blackwinded -- I hear ya about the dolls. Here's the thing. When you have this major tendency to float or dissociate or depersonalize, whatever, all sorts of things can trigger that, as we all know. Too bad it's the dolls. Having a fantasy about your dolls coming to life -- sounds like a cool story you could write, or paint pictures, something like that.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Sojourner.....so how old are you? And, is your DP related to abuse, difficult memories, pot, or what? Or, if you'd rather not share, that's fine, of course.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Interesting, I was talking with my psychiatrist about the fact that I played with stuffed animals for a very long time -- I was "too old". I also had, even HAVE the feeling still that the animals have feelings.

I also would act out the abuse in my family -- my mother's abuse of me -- on my pet dog. God that sounds horrible. Then I would cry and beg her forgiveness. A live, little Shih-Tzu. Never injured her, but sometimes neglected her.

At any rate, this seems to be common with those who have been abused. These toys I think are called "transitional objects". A stuffed animal, even more than a doll (human looking), or a pet is unconditionally accepting. It is easier to express feelings to such an object which obviously cannot come back at your feelings with an attack, etc.

There are many with Borderline Personality (soon to be called Mood Dysregulation) -- I have many qualities that have improved over the years -- who carry stuffed toys around like this.

To this day, I have stuffed toys in my husband's attic in L.A. that I can't throw out. I feel it is "hurting them." Some of this is still feelings I think I have projected onto them, instead of feelings of ambivalence/grief towards my parents.

It's a long road folks ... finding your way back from Hell. You often bring the safest companions with you.

D


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## rob (Aug 22, 2004)

nearly 50 yrs old plus 30 yrs dp/dr


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Hi Rob. How long have you been on this site?


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## rob (Aug 22, 2004)

hi mary mac

I joined this site fairly soon after it was set up I think back in 2004(ish) and before that I was a member of Andy's board which was pretty much the only source of information in the late 1990's (could be wrong about the date).

It was from reading Andy's board that I realised that what was wrong with me was wrong with an awful lot of other people too and had a name.

I've enjoyed various debates and false dawns on this board down the years and I've met up with fellow dp'ers for a drink (all a good bit younger than I) which was pleasant even if slightly disconcerting.

I don't think age is an issue here because we're all bound together by a very unpleasant and rare experience.

I just ran out of things to say about the condition and because I'm resigned to a lifetime of this lousy condition I felt I had no crumbs of comfort to others who remain optimistic.

I stopped coming here too often because the very fact that there are people around (like me) who have had dp/dr for thirty years or more is the very opposite to what people only recently afflicted with it want to hear. I can't say I blame them.

A lot of us used to go round in circles debating whether or not dp was psychological or physiological and whether it could be cured with drugs or psychotherapy - and in truth no-one really knows much about the condition or how to cure it - hence the abundance of theories most of which have neither been proved nor disproved.

This board is very quiet compared with how it was a year or so ago.

I feel like I'm in purgatory and as if I've been cheated of my ordinary little life that I loved so much.

I live with it but I have low spells (like now) of ever increasing intensity and duration.

I am not a defeatist by nature but I have sort of given up to tell you the truth.


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## furtherwest (Nov 3, 2005)

24
chronic dp/dr since 19


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Im 24 and ive had dp/dr, as well as severe anxiety for as far back as i can remember.

Its only in the past year that ive sought help for it and found out that what i had was dp/dr.


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## dpdpaulson (Dec 30, 2005)

25, DP'd to varying degrees since taking acid when I was 19. I had a lot of social anxiety as far back as I can remember before that.


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## Dprsnlized (May 7, 2006)

Im 25 and been like this for 11 years. Getting a little better though.


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## blackwinded (Jul 31, 2005)

hi dreamer,

interesting you mention that about the abuse. I was also physically abused as a kid.

I still sleep with about 10 stuffed animals on my bed (mostly bunnies). And my favorite bunny, i still hold/cuddle while im sleeping. Before i go anywhere for the day, i always make sure they are positioned comfortably.

My boyfriend likes to make "jokes" with them. He throws them around and such. It makes me really mad. I feel like it is hurting and embarrasing them.
I also can't throw out old toys. I have just about all of them in my room or comfortably positioned in my closet. The only ones that were givin away or thrown out were done so by my mom when i was younger.... And i still feel sad about that because i feel like it's hurting them and they are out there lost somewhere depressed and in pain.


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## blackwinded (Jul 31, 2005)

marymac said:


> Blackwinded -- I hear ya about the dolls. Here's the thing. When you have this major tendency to float or dissociate or depersonalize, whatever, all sorts of things can trigger that, as we all know. Too bad it's the dolls. Having a fantasy about your dolls coming to life -- sounds like a cool story you could write, or paint pictures, something like that.


yes. I actually wrote a really good poem about it all a while back. But i can't exactly feel proud of it or take any credit because i was under the influence of cocaine when i wrote it, so it's like it wasn't really written by the real me. know what i mean?


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## Starz5 (Jul 5, 2006)

21..about 2 months ago all this started..MJ induced, had a panic attack while I was high..woke up..not the same...I had smoked before not a frequent user..but had never heard of this before like so many others.


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## rui (Apr 27, 2005)

31, been dp'd probably since my mid teenaging years but of a low intense nature...

Psychosomatic hell and extreme anxiety after nervous breakdown at 28.

Recovering slowly but steadly for 3 years now, and I'm A LOT BETTER.

Recovery due to extreme effort to reach out to the borders of my personality and push it out further and further.

Cognitive skill going up.
Emotional skills going up.
Knowdlege about this all thing going up.

Intensity of weirdness going down!

I guess i'm on the right track!


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## widescreened (Jun 22, 2005)

Im 33. I've made real progress in the last 15 months. I can put that down to finding this site, diagnosing what was wrong, plucking the courage up to change my behaviour and gradually improving. Slow progress based on accepting yoursself as you are is the foundation to recovery. If you fight who you are, or panic under the water, you will lose the fight.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Hi Rob. Yeah, I noticed that the site was busier a year or two ago. I just joined last week. I am sad to hear that you have given up. Although, perhaps by giving up you can accept yourself the way you are. Instead of trying to be someone who doesn't dissociate -- is there some way you can make it work for you?

I know what you mean about age not making a big difference. When I was about 20, I used to walk around NYC with my eyes on the sidewalk. Some guy asked me why I didn't look up and smile at people (which is a weird enough question) -- but I realized that a major part of the reason is because I was keeping myself from floating away.

You wrote: I just ran out of things to say about the condition and because I'm resigned to a lifetime of this lousy condition I felt I had no crumbs of comfort to others who remain optimistic.

Me: Yeah, I know. I just had the worst session with my therapist of 2 1/2 years. He said that he thought of me as a client who was in therapy for "personal growth." I was so upset by this. I mean, here I am crying, struggling to gain control over my condition, I'm bringing in artwork about how sad I am......and he thinks I'm in it just for personal growth! Man oh man I have been really upset since yesterday.

About the physical vs. the emotional -- maybe we can never distinguish between the two. But -- here's a theory. Maybe we all have a psychic aspect of our selves that we have not recognized? Maybe there is power hidden in these depersonalization episodes? Maybe it's something we need to nurture and develop in a caring and safe way???????


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2006)

===


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Hi Billie. And hi to everyone who has responded to my topic. I find it so fascinating and helpful to find out your ages and, as some of you wrote, how long you've been dealing with DP.

Here's a thought. My mother almost never touched me, physically. If someone else was in the room, she would sometimes hug me -- you know -- in public. But when we were alone, she just wasn't touchable. I clearly remember the few times I tried to get her to hug me or cuddle with me......so, I'm wondering.......anybody else have this kind of coldness from their mom? I mean, my mom is a nice lady in her own way -- just not touchable.


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## Ayato (Jul 1, 2006)

19, been this way for 3 years


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## rob (Aug 22, 2004)

Hi Marymac

Maybe your therapist would be more empathetic (that's a word they like to use isn't it?) if he was put on a Ketamine drip for, say, I dunno - 30 years?

The therapists I know socially are in it for easy money and the possibility of a therapeutic shag on the side.

I can't accept that this is a psychological condition. Maybe our propensity to dissociate has its origins in unpleasant childhood experiences and other traumas - maybe temporary feelings of depersonalisation and derealisation are beneficial in that they allow us to escape ourselves and our experiences at difficult times.

But to be stuck in this condition for life is itself traumatic and serves no useful purpose that I can understand. To me its it's just not the way we are meant to be - feeling detached all the time is completely at odds with what our pre-dp selves have quite reasonably come to expect and need in the way of quality of life.

We need to feel part of the world around us, to form attachments and bonds, to be part of life, to feel comfortable in our own skins. My experience of life now is too weak to be meaningful or satisfying in any of those ways.

So for me, dp/dr is a disorder, a sickness, a malady, the direct and immediate cause of which is a long lasting or possibly permanent adjustment to our brain chemistry that makes us feel bad. There doesn't need to be a psychological reason for our dp any more than there needs to be a psychological reason for having diabetes.

When my dp started I was 19. My childhood was OK, worse than some, better than others. I drank alcohol a lot and took acid once and smoked dope maybe twice (I say maybe because on the first occasion I paid ?1 for some mixed cooking herbs wrapped in mysterious silver paper). But, whatever "issues" I may have had or been unaware of, I had come to terms with what life had to offer me and I was having a fantastic time.

I went out every night of the week. I loved meeting new people. I was confident, sociable and seemed to be well liked. I had my band, my first record deal, plenty of interest from girls and little if any responsibility.

Why the hell would I want or need depersonalisation?

Depersonalisation has made me anxious, irritable and depressed - not the other way round. It's made me comparatively withdrawn, unexpressive or "lacking emotional affectiveness" or whatever claptrap phrase the trick cyclists trot out.

If you had chronic and acute toothache for 30 years you'd probably feel the same way - but you wouldn't put it down to childhood trauma.

But because dp/dr is a physiological condition that affects our mental state (or more correctly the way in which we perceive things) we are misled into believing psychological theories about its origins. No-one has proved that any one of these theories holds any weight.

Sure,we all have trouble accepting ourselves for who we really are from time to time. What 19 year old boy doesn't crave acceptance from an appreciable group of his peers. What intelligent 19 year old boy doesn't indulge in a little role play if only to see where it might lead in terms of those glittering emotional, physical and financial prizes that we all crave?

It's just normal teenage behaviour and for something like 99.99% of people it doesn't lead to chronic depersonalisation. It's just part of growing up and you move on.

My theory, for what its worth, is that our pre-DP experiences, what I call "normal" experiences, are the result of the brain having, since birth, developed a system of filtering perceptual data so that we are not swamped by our senses - meaning that from the mass of raw perceptual data available to us, only a small percentage of that data is actually used and combined to form the spontaneous twinned experiences of "reality" and "self".

For some reason that filtering system has stopped functioning properly. We have too much perceptual data to process and the little thing in our brain that processes it can't cope. The result of our filters packing up is that too many perceptions lead, paradoxically, to weaker experiences, so weak, in fact, that we don't feel attached to the world and lose even our sense of "self".

For example, it is common for dp sufferers to report an invisible screen between us and the outside world. It's called the eye. It's just that our pre-dp filtering system had "learned" to ignore it because it is of no use to us to perceive our own sight mechanisms.

Many report being in a fog, seeing a moving veil of tiny dots (especially when looking at a plain wall). Maybe the human eye can actually "see" the atmosphere (after all it is made up of millions of atoms like everything else) but our filters block it out because it isn't useful data. It stops us seeing the "useful" things beyond like food, shelter and sexual partners.

That's why Klonopin, for all its side effects and dependency issues, works so well on depersonalisation, at least initially. It calms our brains down, halts the sensory overload and, in sharpening up our experiences, allows us to feel relatively "normal" again.

They give Klonopin to old people and it makes them mentally sharper, apparently knocking years off their mental decline in many cases.

When I first got dp I felt like I'd gone from 19 to 90 in a split second and I thought that at the time it happened "this is what it feels like to be old" and, you know what, I think I was actually right. It's just that with old people their mental decline is usually gradual and unremarkable and expected.

Our decline, by contrast, was astonishing, sudden and totally unexpected.

That is why we constantly make comparisons between the bad way we feel now and the good way we used to feel before we got dp. In our heads they are two very different perceptual regimes that can be lined up back to back and compared with one another.

I make no apologies for craving my former life. That is a perfectly normal and valid reaction to a very unfortunate illness.

If a treatment is developed that restores our minds to how they were, which dp sufferer will give two hoots about their childhood issues? I for one will be out partying.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Rob,

That was an astonishingly intelligent, vigorous examination of your condition. Your depth of anger and insight about it is huge. My response is to have no response, not really. I don't want to in any way diminish your post. All I can say is, thank you.


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## widescreened (Jun 22, 2005)

rob. Thanks for the long post indeed. One point, do you not appreciate the irony of discrediting the psychoanalysts and forwarding a theory of your own? You say it has no basis other than making easy money and getting an easy lay. Yet you have propogated a theory yourself that has been well thought of, yet hasnt been established as true either. Im asuming that you went to therapy and failed. Did you try cbt? This neednt delve into your past at all, it only reframes how you view your thoughts and modifies your behaviour. And hypnosis, I could list on and on. Its easy to get discouraged and feel angry about freudian theories especially if youve had this for so long, yet have you tried other forms of therapy or treatment? Do you regularly exercise, or do you spend too much time alone? Are you obsessive? HAve you self esteem issues rising from unemployment? You suggest that the horse was put before the cart in your experience of dp in that the dp gave birth to your depression rather than depression being first and then dp arriving as a result of it.

Personally I believe that personality types are a root of it as may be the case with you, but it still doesnt mean you should give up looking for peace thru whatever means you can find, Agreed, past histories of abuse dont need to be there as dont ptsd for this to arrive. Ive read about people who get this from one pull of a cigatette, or a cup of coffee, and whose symptoms are equally as disturbing as a person who took acid or a victim of domestic abuse.

My point is that if you dont like or agree with therapy, asnd you feel its irrelevent, find other ways to calm your symptoms. If you are smart enough to come this far and describe in depth your vision of what the dp experience is in your haed, take it a step further and eek out methods that bring you peace.


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## rob (Aug 22, 2004)

Mary Mac:

Thank you for saying thank you - I'm blushing - I prefer abuse, honestly.

Widescreened:

Well yes, it is ironic that whenever we comment on the theories of others, even to say that all theories are rubbish, we are necessarily putting forward an alternative theory.

No, I haven't tried psychotherapy but I did attend a single session of CBT which I thought was laughable. What was funnier still was that someone would undergo ten years training in order to become a CB therapist.

I haven't tried hypnotherapy but I might as I like the idea of sliding a few orders to my subconscious under the wire.

I exercise regularly and I spend quite a bit of time alone.

I can obsess about some things things and be a bit glib about others.

I have self-esteem issues because I know my poor dp'd brain is a rotten disfunctional wreck.

I am self-employed, well educated and professionally qualified. My IQ, for what it's worth, is in the top 0.5% of the population. Personally, I'd rather be thicker and happier.

The dp arrived and it made me feel anxious and depressed for the first time in my life. All three things arrived together I think.

Agreed that, although the symptoms of this condition seem to be remarkably consistent, the immediate triggers vary enormously. Maybe you're right about personality type, maybe we're just an evolutionary experiment in the process of winding up in a cul-de-sac. Who knows?

My feeling is that science will bring an explanation and perhaps a cure but not in my lifetime.

Sensory overload is a theory I have a gut feeling about.

Migraine is now thought to be the result of an elecrical "storm" in the brain.

Epileptic fits can be dramatically reduced by using biofeedback to manipulate levels of differing frequencies of electrical impulses in the brain.

Overactivity in the brain seems to precipitate a range of recognisable disorders which are related. I am a migraine sufferer and my dp nearly always lifts for a few amazing seconds between the occular phase and the splitting headache.

Anyway, I'd put my money on calming electrical activity in the brain... did I mention the gambling?


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

marymac said:


> Anybody know why we don't call this Dissociative (related to Dissociative Identity Disorder)?


I am wondering, reading through this thread again, Marymac. Are you suffering from DID (because you asked this question)?


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Hi Billie. No, so far it's only me in this body, unless there's some other personality doing a really good job of hiding. You'd think that by the age of 52 I'd know, but maybe not. My ex husband was very creative with ways to make me feel like shit and to emotionally torture me, so who knows. I've just always called my experience "dissociative" or "dissociating." But I believe depersonalization is correct.

One time I mentioned this concern to my therapist, who pulled out these weird glasses which I put on and then stared into this weird blackness for about 30 minutes, totalling ignoring my therapist. I really LIKED it. He was strangely aloof from how I behaved........but seemed to think I was not DID. Oh who knows.....you're catching me on a night when nothing is making sense in my life. Except my children. They are good, grounding, fine.


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## felimz (Jul 4, 2006)

That was a kickass post, Rob, just because you are one of the few people here that can put sensations and theories into words without them being lost in the verbalization process. I like your emotion and literary voice. You should be a writer.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Felimz, I agree about Rob's writing. Kickass says it all.


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2006)

marymac said:


> My ex husband was very creative with ways to make me feel like shit and to emotionally torture me, so who knows.


Yes, people are really sick doing that torture and mindgames. Been there (as the receiver).
But, Marymac, DID has it's source in childhood, as you probably know. So if your trauma of abuse occurred later in your life, chances are zero you may have DID (unless you had some very disturbing childhood trauma happen of course).



> I've just always called my experience "dissociative" or "dissociating." But I believe depersonalization is correct.


Me too (calling it dissociative). The way I see it is that (and this is only my personal opinion for me) the DP symptoms are a result of being dissociative. So, to me, first comes the dissociation, then the DP (symptoms). Maybe this doesnt make sense, but to me it does.



> One time I mentioned this concern to my therapist, who pulled out these weird glasses which I put on and then stared into this weird blackness for about 30 minutes, totalling ignoring my therapist. I really LIKED it. He was strangely aloof from how I behaved........but seemed to think I was not DID. Oh who knows.....you're catching me on a night when nothing is making sense in my life. Except my children. They are good, grounding, fine.


So this was a way of him trying to establish if you have DID or not. How exactly does this work with the glasses? What I mean is , if this is not too personal to answer, what could have been a possible response from you that may have lead him to believe you COULD be DID, using this method?

Thanks for your previous response btw.


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## rlf (Nov 5, 2005)

I'm 55 and have had it for about a year. Much improved now through rest, diet, vitamins, this site, reflection, and most of all, running. Mild exercise doesn't do it for me, I have to run till I feel like I'm dying, and do it most days of the week. I would say I am about 80% of my former self, and if I never got any better than I am now I would be content. But I think I can recover fully, and when I do I think I will have a stronger sense of reality than the naiive "normal" people.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Hey Billie. After I posted that last one, I realized I wasn't explaining myself too well! But, weirdly, I don't quite remember. I told him I was afraid I was DID, so he pulled out these glasses which have one side blocked (2 pairs, one for each side) and I think the theory is that they allow alternate personalities to come out when you put them on. He said the reaction is always interesting and/or deep, as was mine, and that my reaction was not DID/MPD. The experience was very soothing.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

Schizfit, that's what I have to do to have a good night's sleep, exercise til I practially drop. Or take tylenol pm. But I have restless leg syndrome which is my main sleep destroyer.


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## felimz (Jul 4, 2006)

Marymac. Can you elaborate on the glass experience? It sounds very interesting--though it's still a bit confusing after you briefly explained it above.


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## marymac (Jul 7, 2006)

The eyeglasses. Yeah. Well, they were big plastic dorky looking things, and one pair had the left side blocked, and the other had the other blocked. But the blocked sides were not entirely blocked. A certain portion of that eye was able to see. Anyway, he said to put them on and just see what happened. So what happened was that I spent almost the whole session staring deeply into the left side. It was very restful. But I guess if I had DID then maybe an alter would appear -- maybe. He's the kind of shrink who experiments a bit. Psychologist. PsyD. He's in GreenVillage NJ if you're interested. He's quite grounding for DP.


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## Catharsis (Jul 2, 2006)

I'm 19. Think I've had DP/DR for 4 years.


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