# New, afraid and lost



## MagdaLena (Oct 12, 2010)

_*Hey all. I'm Lena. Im a wife and mother. Seemingly nothing beyond those two things.
Over the years *I am 32, I started breaking down at 15* I have been hospitalized, medicated and diagnosed as Bipolar for most of it. In the last 7 years I found an AMAZING psych who actually took the time to know me and understand me and Bipolar was removed and replaced with PTSD, OCD and severe anxiety, panic and agoraphobia. My major obsession is death, dying, feeling like I'm dying... I am medication-phobic. The only ones I will take are xanax and ativan- I take (prescribed) enough in one day to knock out multiple people and still feel anxious.
Before today I had never heard of DP or DR. In my session with my Psych, Dissociative Integration Disorder came up (MPD)- not saying I had it, but more that while I AM only one personality, I have sectioned myself into two- there is the me that functions on a day to day basis, gets what needs to be done, done and is like living on auto-pilot. Expressing emotion is nearly impossible for me- which obviously as a mother- makes me feel like shit. *Funny how FEELING is so difficult, yet guilt finds it's way in*. 
The other part of me seems to be where I have stored all negative emotions for so long, I have no concept of what's there. I fear for what's there, because certain things "trigger" a sudden opening and leak of what I now call my Pandora's box and waves of uncontrolled emotion take over me for periods of time. When the "box closes" again, I cannot remember what I felt or said. The last time, my father witnessed it and he is afraid. He said the last thing I said before abruptly switching back to what is considered "myself" was "I f*cking hate my life". On a daily basis, I am not aware of this feeling. I KNOW that I had that breakdown, I am just unable to bring up the feelings I had in that time.
When discussing this with my psych today, she recommended I begin EMDR therapy? Has anyone heard of or tried this?

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just in such desperate need to find someone who understands this immense loss of self. But this is me in a nutshell.*_


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone.


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## MagdaLena (Oct 12, 2010)

Inzom said:


> Welcome to the forum. You are not alone.


_*
Thankfully, since I found this forum, I know that now. Though I am sorry to see so many people suffer from this. Thank you for the welcome*_


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## Deleted Account (Jul 26, 2010)

It's true, Your not alone!


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## MagdaLena (Oct 12, 2010)

ShannaLynn said:


> It's true, Your not alone!


_*I wish I could put into words the gratitude I feel at finding this forum, but I'm sure most of you felt the same the day you found others like this.*_


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## Guest (Oct 13, 2010)

Hi ya Magdalena,
boy oh boy could I relate to your post. I to am a parent. Hmm, life with little or no emotions, except when an alter 'escapes' and all hell breaks loose. It is crap. I wonder what effect this has on my children. I know they are affected, cos in a way they are a lot like me, except it's not trauma induced (that much I am grateful for). People cannot even begin to understand if they're not in the world of DP or DID so I find it very difficult to talk to anyone except my counsellor. I spose that is what makes this forum special.
There is an incredible wealth of knowledge and experience on this forum and well worth the time exploring. I am grateful for this. And yes I often cannot remember if an event or conversation has taken place in reality or thought. I give up trying to figure it out sometimes, was it a dream or did it really happen? I don't know sometimes. 
Hang in there and keep your chin up!


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## Kia (Oct 9, 2010)

aww i'm glad you found this place!

EMDR WORKS! I have done it before. When I was reading your post I thought 'omg she's like me' because right now I am being treated for Bipolar and Borderline, but more and more I think I actually have PTSD. Anyways, I received EMDR therapy a few times and it seriously helped me overcome the trauma of witnessing a fatal car accident. I don't understand how it works, but you should definitely give it a try. I only did it a few times and felt relief. I just wanted to give you some insight.


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## Saintx (Sep 20, 2010)

I'm not exactly old on the forums, but I've had DP for a long time.

You have to know the number 1 rule.

DP gets worse the more you worry.

I've started to take a look back at DP and I've realised its helped me in some ways it's helped me say things to people that I never thought i'd say, I feel like a new person and most of the time I like it, Obviously I don't like feeling emotionless... Although being bipolar its blocking out my major downs, and my major ups. Which is a bonus. Obviously theres little things that piss you off about it and sometimes you wish you was never born and wonder why you have it, well I think I've been given DP for a reason to show me how lucky I was before and how lucky I am going to be after it 'heals'.

But yea you're not alone theres loads of freindly people on this forum who will help you through whatever and will not judge you for any of it. Welcome to the forums, join the club


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## Nihil Dexter (Sep 9, 2010)

Kia said:


> aww i'm glad you found this place!
> 
> EMDR WORKS! I have done it before. When I was reading your post I thought 'omg she's like me' because right now I am being treated for Bipolar and Borderline, but more and more I think I actually have PTSD. Anyways, I received EMDR therapy a few times and it seriously helped me overcome the trauma of witnessing a fatal car accident. I don't understand how it works, but you should definitely give it a try. I only did it a few times and felt relief. I just wanted to give you some insight.


Borderline is considered complex PTSD.


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## billy (Oct 30, 2010)

Hi,

I just read your story, thanks for sharing, I'm new here.


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## TheUniversalistArtist (Jul 22, 2010)

I very much relate. I have terrible guilt over not being able to connect whatever to the few people that are still close to me. My own family..nothing registers..nothing. Not love, not empathy. 
I know, mentally that I DO love them very much, I have felt it before during those few wakeful blinks of reality that have punctuated my life. It is the surviving memory of such things that keeps me so motivated to recover and live my life to it's fullest potential.
I have a very positive attitude, I don't believe that anyone could have lived the live I've had (so far) and not come out strong enough to pull off a smile, even if you only feel it a little.
I've been diagnosed so many times, and tried on way too many medications. 
A few months ago I finally demanded a psych test.
It said:
AXIS I: Schizoaffective Disorder
AXIS I: Dissociative Identity Disorder
AXIS II: Borderline Personality Disorder

Now tell me, how the fuck is all of that possible?
lol
It wasn't until I detached (dangerous word for a dp, I know)from the idea that a label was needed. I don't think there is a single Doctor in my tri-state area that has ever heard of Depersonalization as a disorder in and of itself, so I think they just sort of sprinkle the symptoms across the board and WHAM! you have 3 mental illnesses!

DP/DR encompasses ALL of my symptoms.
I'm really sorry to say this..honestly..but Doctors are useless. If you put your health management and improvement into someone elses hands and it is not as important as who THEY are, I can assure you, it won't be given the sort of precedence it needs..not the kind that you can give yourself. Obviously, there are GOOD, helpful Doctors out there, just remember, they are not likely to fix you. Put your power in your pocket.

Thank you for posting and joining, I am also new and I love the environment here.

Here's high-hoping


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## ohwell (Oct 28, 2010)

That's interesting..., DSM V (in 2013), will be more restrictive and less judgemental. A significant number of people been taged as schizo won't be anymore. And check borderline here: http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=17 a lot less judgemental.

Personality disorder and depersonalization may be related. Mauricio Sierra report a high accurance of personality disorder in depersonalization.



TheUniversalistArtist said:


> I very much relate. I have terrible guilt over not being able to connect whatever to the few people that are still close to me. My own family..nothing registers..nothing. Not love, not empathy.
> I know, mentally that I DO love them very much, I have felt it before during those few wakeful blinks of reality that have punctuated my life. It is the surviving memory of such things that keeps me so motivated to recover and live my life to it's fullest potential.
> I have a very positive attitude, I don't believe that anyone could have lived the live I've had (so far) and not come out strong enough to pull off a smile, even if you only feel it a little.
> I've been diagnosed so many times, and tried on way too many medications.
> ...


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## Sleepwalker (Dec 4, 2008)

ohwell said:


> That's interesting..., DSM V (in 2013), will be more restrictive and less judgemental. A significant number of people been taged as schizo won't be anymore. And check borderline here: http://www.dsm5.org/...ion.aspx?rid=17 a lot less judgemental.
> 
> *Personality disorder and depersonalization may be related. Mauricio Sierra report a high accurance of personality disorder in depersonalization.
> *


Couldn't agree more.

Good of you to bring it up; I sense not many Dp sufferers are aware of this.

I did an MMPI in 1998 and ( for what it is worth) indicated and implicated one or more 'personality disorders'. I have had DD since my pre-teen life and I can see how they do make the signs of DD worse.

Could anyone with Dr. Sierra's book PM me, please?


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## meta_synthesis (Nov 27, 2010)

(((Lena)))


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