# I feel like my brain is disintegrating...



## insaticiable

...Literally. I don't know what is going on, but I can't seem to make sense of anything I read, write, or hear. It's hard to explain. Things are starting to feel very fragmented in my mind, so that's got me worried about whether or not im starting to experience DID. Like I don't even know what to say....

And here I was...just a couple days ago saying, ''Oh yeah...Dp? Dr? Nah...those aren't a big deal to me anymore. I think I'm getting over that stuff." Wrong.

I don't know if this is dissociation, DP, DR, or the development of DID. I don't have alters...I'm just me, BUT I feel like my brain is disintegrating really bad and I don't know much longer I can hang on.

Nothing makes sense right now. Nothing. It's like im in an alternate world. This is definitely not my usual levels of DP/DR which I've had for over a year now.

It's a very unsettling sensation, and I hope and pray to God that it'll go away. I took some Ativan earlier to calm myself down and prevent a full-fledged panic attack, but the strong disintegrating sensations are still there.

What's happening to me????


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## insaticiable

I think it is safe to say that my brain is shutting down on me. I emphasize the ''Nothing makes sense right now'' part. I can't interpret sentences of phrases or my surroundings. My brain matter is just trickling away like water. I probably sound like a lunatic now. Ughh.


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## theoneandonly

just pull through today and hopefully all you need is a good night rest


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## ZachT

I know it is hard. But you need to try focusing on something else. Keep telling yourself that it is just your mind playing tricks on you etc


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## Clark

i can realate. some days can be so bad.


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## gill

I've been there. It's nothing more than dissociation to me, just a more intense level.

This got really bad for me when I tapered klonopin too fast, so you might want to check what's happening with the ativan...


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## insaticiable

gill said:


> I've been there. It's nothing more than dissociation to me, just a more intense level.
> 
> This got really bad for me when I tapered klonopin too fast, so you might want to check what's happening with the ativan...


Nah, I'm pretty sure it's not the Ativan. I only take 1 mg as needed, which is like usually once or twice a week. I don't know.

It has not gone away, and now I am really concerned. It's become difficult for me to process and take in information. Like I can't see ''the whole picture.'' Everything is in bits and pieces.

The only two words that come to mind which describe what I'm experiencing are: brain disintegration & fragmentation and I am afraid that these are symptoms of a more complex disorder, like DID.


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## insaticiable

Also...this ''new experience'' that has been occurring for the past 3 days was preceeded by a period of really bad mood instability. I'm tapering my way back up to 350 mg of Lamictal, and am only about 75 mg now. I've been having bad mood swings where I cycle from intense depression to explosive rage to numbness...(I have BPD).

but that has stopped since like 3 days ago...and now all I feel is sheer terror and panic at what this ''new'' symptom could be.

It's a very unsettling and distressing sensation.

I don't know if this is DP/DR anymore. It doesn't feel like dissociation. It feels like my brain is disintegrating.


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## PositiveThinking!

Well, I can relate to all that.. even though I don't the exact meaning of "desintegrate" , not even in my language, I think I can relate to it, I can also relate a lot to the mood swings, I turn agressive and depressive easily, I keep obsessing over what other people might think think of me, because in my head everyone is against me, everyone thinks I'm some sort of an ass that's just annoying them, I don't know to be honest my brain is all screwed up it doesn't even make sense


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## gill

> Nah, I'm pretty sure it's not the Ativan. I only take 1 mg as needed, which is like usually once or twice a week. I don't know.


Are you sure because, having that stuff fluctuate in my system was not good for my dp/dr. Something to keep in mind...



> The only two words that come to mind which describe what I'm experiencing are: brain disintegration & fragmentation and I am afraid that these are symptoms of a more complex disorder, like DID.


Of course I'm no doctor but from my experience, I'd say it's probably a flare up of dp/dr, not something new. I understand what you're saying. When my dissociation was really bad, when I first joined here, almost nothing made sense. I'd type something, then look at it, and wonder what I meant by what I typed. But, I think it's just the extreme end of the same thing. Messed up, yeah, this stuff just gets plain bizzare sometimes, but not to worry of something new.


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## insaticiable

gill said:


> [/size][/color]
> 
> Are you sure because, having that stuff fluctuate in my system was not good for my dp/dr. Something to keep in mind...
> 
> 
> 
> Of course I'm no doctor but from my experience, I'd say it's probably a flare up of dp/dr, not something new. I understand what you're saying. When my dissociation was really bad, when I first joined here, almost nothing made sense. I'd type something, then look at it, and wonder what I meant by what I typed. But, I think it's just the extreme end of the same thing. Messed up, yeah, this stuff just gets plain bizzare sometimes, but not to worry of something new.


Thank you for the reassurance.


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## FoXS

disintegrating? biologically speaking, thats extreme unlikely. you are not older than 50 so you wont have Alzheimer's disease. i also doubt that you have syphilis in final stade. i tink its "only" DPDR.


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## insaticiable

Well ladies and gents...

This ''disintegrating/fragmented'' feeling is still there. Of course, I am a bit anxious, and I know that that could be feeding it, but...

I feel like this is my brain telling me something, like...''I can't handle this dissociation anymore, so I'm going to dissociate from the dissociation even more.''

Idk...I hope I'm not going to completely lose my mind. It's a very unsettling sensation, and I hope and pray to be able to return to my ''normal and more tolerable'' levels of DP/DR.

Thanks everyone for responding.


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## never_giving_up

insaticiable said:


> Well ladies and gents...
> 
> This ''disintegrating/fragmented'' feeling is still there. Of course, I am a bit anxious, and I know that that could be feeding it, but...
> 
> I feel like this is my brain telling me something, like...''I can't handle this dissociation anymore, so I'm going to dissociate from the dissociation even more.''
> 
> Idk...I hope I'm not going to completely lose my mind. It's a very unsettling sensation, and I hope and pray to be able to return to my ''normal and more tolerable'' levels of DP/DR.
> 
> Thanks everyone for responding.


If you're able to respond on this message board using perfectly comprehensible language (not a single typo as I can see), then I think your brain is relatively fine.

This isn't to detract from your experience because I know it's always not as simple as I am putting it.

Hope you feel better soon


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## insaticiable

I found this link online after I typed in ''Severe Dissociation'' into Google earlier today.

I'll post the website, but I wanted to copy and paste a specific passage in there that I feel resonates very well with my current situation:

*How does affect dysregulation influence dissociation?*

One of the core problems for the person with a dissociative disorder is affect dysregulation, or difficulty tolerating and regulating intense emotional experiences. This problem results in part from having had little opportunity to learn to soothe oneself or modulate feelings, due to growing up in an abusive or neglectful family, where parents did not teach these skills. Problems in affect regulation are compounded by the sudden intrusion of traumatic memories and the overwhelming emotions accompanying them (Metcalfe & Jacobs, 1996; Rauch, van der Kolk, Fisler, Alpert, Orr et al., 1996).

The inability to manage intense feelings may trigger a change in self-state from one prevailing mood to another. Depersonalization, derealization, amnesia and identity confusion can all be thought of as efforts at self-regulation when affect regulation fails. Each psychological adaptation changes the ability of the person to tolerate a particular emotion, such as feeling threatened. As a last alternative for an overwhelmed mind to escape from fear when there is no escape, a person may unconsciously adapt by believing, incorrectly, that they are somebody else. Becoming aware of this kind of fear is terrifying. Therein lies one of the central problems in treatment for a person with a dissociative disorder: "How do I learn to approach things I fear when to understand that I am afraid is itself frightening?" Skillful clinical approaches are required to help build confidence in a person's ability to tolerate their feelings, learn, and grow as a person.

The actual website is: http://www.isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm#affectdys


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## Apollonios

True disintegration is unlikely. It is purely subjective.


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