# I don't know what/who I am- Am I an alien??



## DeeAre (Mar 21, 2009)

Hi all,

I am new to this board and decided to seek out more information about derealization after having an episode yesterday that lasted longer than any I've experienced before. I'm so glad to see that I'm not alone even though I feel so desperately alone at times. The more I get a grasp on derealization, the less I feel like I understand. "Answers only make more questions." That seems like the theme of my life.

My derealization tends to come in the form of trying to figure out why we as humans are here and what we are. Before yesterday, it's been more of a philosophical question that's lingered in my head. I often wonder why no one talks about it and why most people go on with daily activities as though everything is familiar and nothing of our existence is foreign to them. Occasionally it hits me in a flash and I'll get lightheaded and awestruck with what I'm attempting to comprehend. These little flashes usually only last a few minutes, but I'll still attempt to ponder my "flash" for a while afterwards. I'll go on about my daily life, still philosophizing and contemplating, yet the feelings aren't as intense as they are with the "flashes".

Yesterday as I was driving down the road I had a flash that hit me really hard. Why are we here, what's going on here, where did we come from, is there a bigger picture here, do we have a creator, why do I feel so foreign and unhuman, am I an alien (hehe!!), why is it that I can exist and comprehend my own existence yet can't begin to understand it? I felt so distant from myself yet I could still see and take part in the world around me. Nothing, yet everything mattered. What kind of strange existence is this? And why do I know it's strange yet don't know what the strangeness is about? It's real, yet so unreal.

I contacted a professor friend of mine who I love to talk with about this kind of thing. Although he never has answers he's helped me get a grasp on some of my thoughts and made me feel not so alone in my way of thinking. He says he doesn't think we'll ever know exactly what it's all about, so he attempts not to think about it and enjoy life as much as possible. I do go on about life like that most of the time, but as I said, sometimes it will hit me in a flash and I don't even see it coming. It's overwhelming at the time and not only is it something I'm thinking about, but it's something I feel physically as well.

I don't consider it bad though. I also talked to a psychiatrist friend of mine and he asked if it's to the point of where I don't want to live anymore. It's weird because it's more of a nagging "need to know" type of thing, rather than an "I don't want to live" kind of thing. Maybe it will turn into the 2nd type as it progresses. I don't know, and I certainly am not wishing it upon myself, but just attempting to be "real".

Speaking of real...this is one area in my life that people have always commented on... "I really like you because you are 'real'". I think maybe this DR/DP issue has encompassed my whole life and it's not just symptoms, it's who I am. I have a hard time separating the two after contemplating it for a while. Especially thinking back as far as I can and remembering how I felt back when I was a young child. Really no different than I do now, just that I've acquired a little more knowledge and experience now. I was diagnosed with ADHD(predominantly inattentive) 3 years ago. Do I have an actual disorder or is it just part of my DR or just who I am as a human? Is the spacing out/inattentiveness a symptom of ADHD or is it just me dealing with my world in the way I know how? I tend to think it's just me and my perception of things and while our society labels it as an issue, it's just my perception on our existence. I don't think it should be labeled as a problem or disorder unless it's problematic and debiliatating. I think people labeling it as problematic and a disorder incite panic and makes one think there's a deep issue and it creates this cycle of anxiety and takes one's unusual or unique thoughts and turns them into something extremely troubling.

What if we are having these thoughts because we don't understand our situation and world? Maybe others don't care to try to understand. Maybe they don't have the level of intelligence to comprehend what we comprehend or maybe they don't allow themselves to. Maybe we work ourselves up into a worry and frenzy that's so intolerable because we have no one who can explain what we're going through and why it's happening. Sure, categorize all of these things that are happening to us and throw a label on it and attempt to give us ways to "cope" with it. Medicate the hell out of us in an attempt to slap a bandage on it and shut us up. Don't actually explain what is happening, just make us think we are all freaks of nature dealing with "disorders" and having thoughts we shouldn't really have.

I kind of like the post by the guy who refers to it as a "gift". I might not completely agree with that all the time, because on one hand I think it would be so much easier to live and never contemplate or attempt to comprehend what we are going through. I think ignorance might actually be more of a "gift". But I am not ignorant and I can't ignore what I go through...I am an intense analyzer of every situation and love to figure things out, acquire knowledge, better myself and help others. So I might as well accept who I am and I'd much rather think of it as a gift than some kind of disorder. Maybe living a "normal" life going through day to day routines without contemplating our world around us an actual disorder. I think I'll call that "normative disorder." :mrgreen:


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

I keep reading these posts and it seems as though most who are hit with dp are those who are the most articulate and intelligent. Thus those of us who question things that most people wouldn't, like why are we here, what if we are just a pawn in something much much bigger, or the all too common, what if i'm not real. In a way it might be something that comes along with being more intelligent than the average joe, and over analyzing everything. I've always wondered this?


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Mcren said:


> I keep reading these posts and it seems as though most who are hit with dp are those who are the most articulate and intelligent. Thus those of us who question things that most people wouldn't, like why are we here, what if we are just a pawn in something much much bigger, or the all too common, what if i'm not real. In a way it might be something that comes along with being more intelligent than the average joe, and over analyzing everything. I've always wondered this?


I think so. Or, perhaps we're smart enough to figure out something's not right. Perhaps we're in the matrix. Perhaps.


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

Ha, thanks Morpheus, I suppose your gonna give me the option between the blue and red pill now right lol


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Pill
----->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Pill

P.S.- they're really just Mike and Ike's.... or _are_ they...


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

hey they could be little acid tabs, i mean they do some trippy stuff in those movies


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## DeeAre (Mar 21, 2009)

I like reading posts here but sometimes it makes me feel even more alone. Glad to see that some of you can actually relate to the questioning. I've always wondered if it's an intelligence thing or if I just have a special "key" that allows me to open the door and escape the box. I often wish I didn't possess that key and that I stayed safe tucked in the box, questioning nothing.

I have a hard time fitting into society and relating to people on an every day basis because I see things so different. Even some of the smartest people I know don't follow my train of thought (doctors, professors) so that makes me wonder if in fact it's an intelligence thing or if I'm just mentally ill! The train of thought I follow is completely logical, yet most people don't "get" it. So, while it's nice to think I might be different or unusual it's also compeltely maddening at times. I just want to meet one person who says "yes, I can totally see where you are coming from with that line of questioning and I've thought the same exact things myself. What a weird existence we live in and I'd like to explore some of these ideas together."


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

Yeah, I can definitely relate to that train of thought at times. Its not too crazy to think that just out of nowhere asking yourself whether you exist or not could trigger dp. I don't think we were meant to ask these kind of questions. It's like tryin to find the value of pie. You can never truly know why we're here, what the hell brought us here, and whether we're just a tiny part of something much bigger. I think if any thought could drive one crazy it would be trying to figure out whether you exist or not. The question would sound crazy to someone whos never experienced dp before but as I have I'm sure theres been times where you truly feel as if you don't exist.


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

Yeah, I can definitely relate to that train of thought at times. Its not too crazy to think that just out of nowhere asking yourself whether you exist or not could trigger dp. I don't think we were meant to ask these kind of questions. It's like tryin to find the value of pie. You can never truly know why we're here, what the hell brought us here, and whether we're just a tiny part of something much bigger. I think if any thought could drive one crazy it would be trying to figure out whether you exist or not. The question would sound crazy to someone whos never experienced dp before but as I have I'm sure theres been times where you truly feel as if you don't exist.


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## DeeAre (Mar 21, 2009)

Mcren said:


> Yeah, I can definitely relate to that train of thought at times. Its not too crazy to think that just out of nowhere asking yourself whether you exist or not could trigger dp. I don't think we were meant to ask these kind of questions. It's like tryin to find the value of pie. You can never truly know why we're here, what the hell brought us here, and whether we're just a tiny part of something much bigger. I think if any thought could drive one crazy it would be trying to figure out whether you exist or not. The question would sound crazy to someone whos never experienced dp before but as I have I'm sure theres been times where you truly feel as if you don't exist.


But isn't it strange that we can question our own existence? I don't think most people actually question it. They're told this is how it is and they believe it and go on living life. And then there's us, who think that crap doesn't make any sense and our brains just won't let it go. We have to know, we have to find an answer and drive ourselves mad in the process. I think it's part of some type of evolution of the brain and consciousness that some of us were "blessed" with. I agree that we weren't meant to ask these kinds of questions but I think our brain has naturally evolved to a level of intelligence where we can acknowledge ourseleves and question our own existence. What the purpose of evolving that way is, I don't know.

What I get a kick out of is imagining "normal people" reading these posts and wonder what the hell we're talking about and what kind of drugs we must be on :shock: :lol:


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

Ha, yeah. Believe me dude. I'm an evolutionist, I don't really belong to any religion or anything, but before I was hit with this I was sure I knew everything about my existence, but I was totally wrong I guess. If dp is a part of the mind evolving, Im glad I wont live in a world where everyone feels like this. Just saying, I don't see anything good about, maybe it would be good if it just felt like a never ending marijuana high, but that obviously isn't the case.


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## JoCZker (Jul 31, 2009)

I have this questions for a long, long time. But i dont think its evolution of brain. I quess, that everybody from time to time asks about this questions. And they have to find answers or let it go. Problem with us, is that we cant find our answers, because of dr/dp. I had a time, when i was good between two episodes of dr dp and i know, that even that i dont have my answers, everything seems ok. So this is my quess - dr dp is interesting point of wiew on reality, but its a tricky one too. Because you cant find answers until you get rid of it. So believe me. When your dr dp will get better, you will still ask. But you will also feel connection to reality and everything will be very different and make at least some sense.


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## BananaMan (Jul 23, 2009)

Ever since I came across this group I have been wondering if we could put together a list of pre dp traits that could be turned into a survey type thing to see if we can figure out what type of people are most at risk?


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## Jessesaur (Jul 25, 2009)

I completely relate to you DeeAre. It was kind of surreal reading your post because it sounds very much like myself. All this over analyzing really makes me wonder sometimes if I am more intelligent then others or if I have some special gift(really quite frustrating) that could eventually lead to something amazing somehow. Basically, I've had a real hard time relating to people my whole life. Kind of trapped in my own head. Certainly does feel like we are going insane too, right? I do sometimes wonder if I have philosophical/existential induced DP. I guess thats how it is for a lot of us?


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