# bizzare - not sure where to start



## mark75 (Oct 23, 2006)

Hi Everyone:

I scanned this forum for a few minutes, and I am already impressed with the folks here.

So much to say...I'll try and keep it succinct, but that is very difficult.

I really don't know if there is a way to categorize my state, but DP/DR seems closer than many others.

During a stressful time (not necessarily negative stress...but very busy with work and planning a major trip with friends...family weddings...all hitting at once) I started to feel very dissoriented. Initially, I thought it had to be a temporary "migraine like" reaction to stress. My vision was off, I had a nagging strange headache and tingling feeling in my head, my whole body felt tied in knots, and I had a feeling that perception of smell, taste, sight, had all fundamentally changed. I waited for it to go away thinking it was temporary...and WOW, IT WENT AWAY!!! FOR TWO DAYS!!!!

I was elated, but suddenly while sitting in my living room, it seemed to suddenly come back within minutes and my previously stable feeling was once again replaced with the dread that it had returned.

To this day, I still experience a dull chronic headache, blurry vision, startling movement or images in my peripheral vision...that for example when going running sometimes cause me to change direction or stop...since it feels like i am about to run into something that is not there.

In general, a feeling that my intellect, perceptions, and sense of who I am and what is going on around me is fundamentally flawed, crushed, and distorted.

...really...i cant describe it in words well.

Major Depressive Disorder - is my only diagnosis after seeing psychiatrists for 6 years and going through med after med after med.

HOWEVER - although I realize I am very depressed, descriptions of whatever "typical depression is" just doesnt seem to fit. I don't related to it. I am not just "sad"...and I realize how much of a nightmare pure severe depression is....but this is also a nightmare and how do I decouple feelings of depression from all this other stuff???

I have never made headway with therapists on this...they always stear me away from it...but it is always at the top of my mind. I always feel like "normalcy" and feeling normal would make my depression go away.

In fact, on 2-3 occasions I have had a day or two when it has all lifted. It is fabulous!!! I feel wonderful. I call my friends and they can tell how good I feel. I enjoy reading...I enjoy socializing...its like my old self is back. Then it all comes crashing down again....this "lifting" of whatever is going on has only happened 2-3 times in 6 years.

I work as a consultant, after 6 years of somehow keeping it up I am finally drained. I am not working....and all the hope I had of "getting out of this" previously is somewhat shot. Although, I will do my best to try and work it out no matter how many years it takes. The damage that has occured while i tried to keep working and my "normal" life has taken a huge toll.

Right now...i am extremely depressed, exhausted, and wondering how much longer I can bear this. I have fight in me....I just need to unlock it and I suppose come to some acceptance of this???? The pain is partly caused by knowing it has dissapeared for a day or two here and there over 6 years. Why is that???? Is it chemical??? Neurological???

The "memory" of how I used to feel used to be very vivid...and I would strive to get that "feeling again". The happy feelings and relaxed motivation i had in college...so many fun times.

Now it is fading more, and I am more and more introverted and can't stand being around people...it is exhausting and disorienting.

Anyway - nice to be here....I'll see what the insights here might offer me, and hopefully offer my own if they help.

Cheers.


----------



## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Hey Mark75...

Just wanted to say welcome to the site...sometimes just knowing there are others out there who have shared similar experiences can make you feel less alone.

All the best and keep on keeping on.


----------



## Andrew (Oct 27, 2006)

Yeah WELCOME mark75! Hope you find healing here.


----------

