# a nightmare or just a Dream ?



## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

Hi everyone , I don't know what to say I had a very harsh withdrawal of benzodiazepines , now a few days after that , I have experienced a strange and awkward feeling but it seems to remain , I didn't recognize myself , looking at the mirror , I was feeling weird and awkward ,it was like if I was trapped in a movie , I had difficulties to be connected with my body , I was feeling like if I was floating and had no control on my movements .
I see my friends but not the same way , reality is not the same , I have the impression to be in Matrix , and the feeling is not very pleasant , too I have dificulties to feel or realize the sizes of things 
I am 25 , my name is Rudy , I live in Canada , I am not desperate about what s happening to me , I just don t know what to think ... 
I put a video on me on youtube , because wrtting it , it is like too automatic , and I don t know if it is faithfull exactly to what I think or what I feel , I really don t know , it comes the way it comes .


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## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

j4mtj said:


> Hi, took a look at your video. I would say that it's early days after your benzo withdrawal and probably the DP/DR will subside in time as your brain recovers. Keep up good nutrition and healthy living and have patience.


Actually I hope my brain is gonna be better , but for the moment I can t even go out from my appartment , I m feeling like in an other dimension , if I go back to my normal state that s a blessing for me !!!
I really hope you re right and that in one week I m gonna feel different than now , I really wish .


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

rudy said:


> Hi everyone , I don't know what to say I had a very harsh withdrawal of benzodiazepines , now a few days after that , I have experienced a strange and awkward feeling but it seems to remain , I didn't recognize myself , looking at the mirror , I was feeling weird and awkward ,it was like if I was trapped in a movie , I had difficulties to be connected with my body , I was feeling like if I was floating and had no control on my movements .
> I see my friends but not the same way , reality is not the same , I have the impression to be in Matrix , and the feeling is not very pleasant , too I have dificulties to feel or realize the sizes of things
> I am 25 , my name is Rudy , I live in Canada , I am not desperate about what s happening to me , I just don t know what to think ...
> I put a video on me on youtube , because wrtting it , it is like too automatic , and I don t know if it is faithfull exactly to what I think or what I feel , I really don t know , it comes the way it comes .


Yeah, this definitely seems like benzo withdrawal. How soon were you taken off of the benzodiazepine? Did you taper off or go off suddenly? Benzo's usually need to be tapered off slowly from what I hear and very gradually to avoid these kinds of symptoms.

I also watched your video, and my heart goes out to you. You seem very anxious, uneasy, uncomfortable, like you are about to crawl out of your skin. Is that how you feel? I would definitely consult an M.D doctor about the issues you are having especially because they seem to be directly related to benzo withdrawal. Sorry you are feeling this way. You have a lot of support here on this site.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Also, I wanted to add something about the eyes that you mentioned. I have noticed this too with myself. It seems like the eyes of the people affected by DP/DR becomes dull and lifeless...lacking that ''glow'' if you will. So yes, this is also another commonality among us I guess.


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

FROM Benzos. christ. Yeah i've been taking benzos for the first time in my life to HELP DP/DR. I'm tapering now.

What were you taking Benzos for in the first place? Anxiety?

Good luck and thank you for the video. Always thankfull for videos. I hope to do more stuff in the future. I keep saying that but my life is so damn hectic.


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## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

insaticiable said:


> Yeah, this definitely seems like benzo withdrawal. How soon were you taken off of the benzodiazepine? Did you taper off or go off suddenly? Benzo's usually need to be tapered off slowly from what I hear and very gradually to avoid these kinds of symptoms.
> 
> I also watched your video, and my heart goes out to you. You seem very anxious, uneasy, uncomfortable, like you are about to crawl out of your skin. Is that how you feel? I would definitely consult an M.D doctor about the issues you are having especially because they seem to be directly related to benzo withdrawal. Sorry you are feeling this way. You have a lot of support here on this site.


Thamk you so much for your support , it is touching my heart , actually I slowly did my withdrawal of benzodiazepine , but still , it was very very harsh , I wish noone knew what I had to get through because it is worse than hell , today it is not too bad , tonight I am feeling okay , but this morning I went to the convenience store and I had the impression that I was small small , and when I crossed the street , I had the impression that the truck wich was arriving was big , and for me , as a pedestrian , to walk until the other side was a pain in the ass , cos I didn t know how far was the other side , my perception of reality was pretty dangerous ..
Last night my sleep was painfull , and when I woke up it was even worse , my stomach was sick , I couldn t stand the light , the day began badly but thanks to god now it is the end of a long day , and I am feeling ok , for me it is a blessing after all this pain .
If I succeed one day to be normal and healthier , I swear god I will enjoy life the best I can .


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## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

BlueTank said:


> FROM Benzos. christ. Yeah i've been taking benzos for the first time in my life to HELP DP/DR. I'm tapering now.
> 
> What were you taking Benzos for in the first place? Anxiety?
> 
> Good luck and thank you for the video. Always thankfull for videos. I hope to do more stuff in the future. I keep saying that but my life is so damn hectic.


Actually my story is very sad , one morning I went to my bank , wich was enlightened , and I was exhausted and tired , and I think I was very responsive to that stress , I didn't feel good and I experienced my first dp , but it went very badly , I went outside , the bank call a cab to bring me to the hospital , but I fell down , I yelled and screamed because I didn't feel my body anymore and my heart was sick , my heart beat was 286 !!! and no pupilar responses , I was bad , and if I was not young a heart attack would have could occur , it was the most painfull day of my whole life , god I swear , I will never forget that , they didn't find any injuries in my brain so they didn t understand what was that , after that when I walked in the street I could fall down , and have like a big stomackheach , and I had to be brought to the hospital again , it was bad bad , and one day a doctor gave me clonazepam , 8 mg , it was good for me , but I was out of it , sleepy , and I didn t realize that would be quickly a poison for me , actually it was , I tried twice to stop , but cold turkey it was impossible , but now the third time even taking my time , it was harsh and intense .
The doctors didn t realize that I had a severe dp disorder








I am trying to same my life , my health , and my faith in better days .


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## sunyata samsara (Feb 18, 2011)

insaticiable said:


> Also, I wanted to add something about the eyes that you mentioned. I have noticed this too with myself. It seems like the eyes of the people affected by DP/DR becomes dull and lifeless...lacking that ''glow'' if you will. So yes, this is also another commonality among us I guess.


i notice my eyes look like an abyss of sadness and im never sad.


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

rudy said:


> Actually my story is very sad , one morning I went to my bank , wich was enlightened , and I was exhausted and tired , and I think I was very responsive to that stress , I didn't feel good and I experienced my first dp , but it went very badly , I went outside , the bank call a cab to bring me to the hospital , but I fell down , I yelled and screamed because I didn't feel my body anymore and my heart was sick , my heart beat was 286 !!! and no pupilar responses , I was bad , and if I was not young a heart attack would have could occur , it was the most painfull day of my whole life , god I swear , I will never forget that , they didn't find any injuries in my brain so they didn t understand what was that , after that when I walked in the street I could fall down , and have like a big stomackheach , and I had to be brought to the hospital again , it was bad bad , and one day a doctor gave me clonazepam , 8 mg , it was good for me , but I was out of it , sleepy , and I didn t realize that would be quickly a poison for me , actually it was , I tried twice to stop , but cold turkey it was impossible , but now the third time even taking my time , it was harsh and intense .
> The doctors didn t realize that I had a severe dp disorder
> 
> 
> ...


I am not sure I understand what happened.

You were at a bank and started to feel ill. They called a cab, but before it arrived you collapsed, being unable to feel or control your legs. Your heart raced and eye stayed dilated. Did you lose consciousness?

By the time you got to the hospital, they didn't find anything wrong, so released you. But it started happening again. Finally a doctor gave you 8mg Klonopin (Clonazepam).

How did you feel when you started this medication?

Did you give you other medications as well?

Did they tell you a diagnosis?

Hang in there, its tough. But the forum will try to help however we can


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## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

Visual Dude said:


> I am not sure I understand what happened.
> 
> You were at a bank and started to feel ill. They called a cab, but before it arrived you collapsed, being unable to feel or control your legs. Your heart raced and eye stayed dilated. Did you lose consciousness?
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your message of support , actually they didn t know if it was neurologic or not , but for them it was not psychologist , they didn t know for sure if it was seizures or severe panick attacks , I just took clonazepam , and it released me , and I felt ok , but sleepy too , but I knew recently I had to stop it and I had to get through hell , even if I did it slowly the third withdrawal 
Sorry I just realizEd that I answered a part of the questions you asked me in an other topic.
To be sincere and honest I am a bit out of it , and bad







so sorry if I don t express myself good , I am doing my best .
I don t know what to answer , no other medication , not an exact diagnosis , I felt released by the medication , I collapsed outside the bank while waiting for the cab , the pain I experienced there was worse that death itself , I wanted to die , seriously ....When I was in the hospital , I was yelling and screaming , it was intense







afterwards I cried because I didn t know such a pain could exist in this world .
I lost consciousness and I lost sight before , reality was completely altered , and I was aware , I think this is the worse part . 
After months , I realize that the medication I took or alcohol was the only way to be more normal , but I know this is bad , so I don t take it anymore and I don't drink , I am just hoping and praying this will be gone soon ...


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

rudy said:


> Thank you so much for your message of support , actually they didn t know if it was neurologic or not , but for them it was not psychologist , they didn t know for sure if it was seizures or severe panick attacks , I just took clonazepam , and it released me , and I felt ok , but sleepy too , but I knew recently I had to stop it and I had to get through hell , even if I did it slowly the third withdrawal
> Sorry I just realizEd that I answered a part of the questions you asked me in an other topic.
> To be sincere and honest I am a bit out of it , and bad
> 
> ...


Surprisingly, it is not so easy for doctors to make diagnosis unless something obvious is happening. It is easy to get frustrated but the key is to work with them over time.

The fact that they gave you 8 mg Clonazepam means they suspected some sort of epilepsy (was it 8 mg a day in 1 dose?) They do not normally use that much for anxiety. And Clonazepam was actually developed for epilepsy not anxiety - hence the name 'Clona' as in Tonic-clonic seizures (formerly known as gran mal seizures).

Falling down in pain, legs numb, losing sight and consciousness, reality was completely altered, and I was aware - with no evidence of stroke (thankfully) indicate some sort of seizure. Even though it didn't show on their equipment. Did they give you an EEG? (22 wires on your head)

*After months , I realize that the medication I took or alcohol was the only way to be more normal, but I know this is bad, so I don t take it anymore and I don't drink*

Did you stop because you felt like Clonazepam was a 'crutch'?

I took Clonazepam for 1 ½ years then tapered off over about 3 months. Withdrawal was minor. But I only took 1 mg per day. I took it for neurological reasons though never diagnosed with epilepsy.

It is important that you get to doctors (as you are trying) to discuss what has been going on. They take their time, unfortunately, but now you have much more to discuss.

Something to keep in mind, DP/DR can be from epilepsy. It is possible that what you feel to be caused from Clonazepam is actually a symptom of unmediated epilepsy. Perhaps you could also ask your cousin in Europe about this possibility and what happened months ago. How many months has it been?

This is my 2 cents







. As you see, you have found a whole forum of people to try to help you. We wish you success!


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## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

Visual Dude said:


> Surprisingly, it is not so easy for doctors to make diagnosis unless something obvious is happening. It is easy to get frustrated but the key is to work with them over time.
> 
> The fact that they gave you 8 mg Clonazepam means they suspected some sort of epilepsy (was it 8 mg a day in 1 dose?) They do not normally use that much for anxiety. And Clonazepam was actually developed for epilepsy not anxiety - hence the name 'Clona' as in Tonic-clonic seizures (formerly known as gran mal seizures).
> 
> ...


Actually when I was admitted in the hospital they put me in a machine , and I have bags to put a liquid in my vains like this they could see if I didn t have stroke in my brain , I didn't have stroke , god thanks .
Whit the Neurologist , I had an eeg , encephalogramm , I was reactive but the waves of the EEG were normal ...
He wanted me to have a Sleep EEG , I didn t have to take gazeous drink before and not to sleep , before doing the test , unfortunately I moved up to an other province in Canada , so I couldn't do the test .
Yesterday , exactly , the depersonalization was so bad and I was completely out of my body , I had to go to the Emergency of the Mental Health , they accepted me right away , I was not able to talk at all , I wrote on a paper that I had a terrible withdrawal of Clonazepam 8 mg that I was prescribed with no proprer diagnosis , three pills of 2 mg and a 2mg PRN when I was feeling to take one , they knew it was too much and they explained me that someone who takes just 2 mg for month it can remain in the body for a long long time !
They actually gave me valium , a benzo with a longer halflife , and less adictive with a schedule to taper off the dosis of the medication , too I am gonna have the benefit to have a detox doctor and if the taper does work , and I don t have depersonalization anymore , it s all right , there s a light in the darkness








if it doesn t work they re gona keep me one week in the hospital , they call this failure of the treatment or taper , I don't remember .
But still I m feeling much more better and that's the most important thing to me









See how different I am on this video , my eyes are different , I am happy !!!!!!!!!!!! and less depersonalized , my depersonalization was so intense that I was not moving my body , I was driving my body from the outside like a machine and when I was talking I did moves to make people understand because I heard me talking and it was very confusing , I said to the doctor that it was worse than Matrix and very painfull , that it was difficult to describe ,he understood and diazepam I was not agree but it gave me a break and my dosis it is 4 mg po TID so it s not much , the second week it s gonna be 3 , the third 2 mg , and the last week , one mg ! hurray









My cousin thought it was an encephalitis or a rare kind of epilepsy , but for that I need an appointment with the neurologist here , and it is gonna take time !

But me my massive problem was DEPERSONALIZATION , my case wass intense , too much , and painfull , hard to describe the feeling , but when you re out of your body 24 hours 7 days , it is bad bad bad , I wish no one knew that !


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

rudy said:


> Actually when I was admitted in the hospital they put me in a machine , and I have bags to put a liquid in my vains like this they could see if I didn t have stroke in my brain , I didn't have stroke , god thanks .
> Whit the Neurologist , I had an eeg , encephalogramm , I was reactive but the waves of the EEG were normal ...
> He wanted me to have a Sleep EEG , I didn t have to take gazeous drink before and not to sleep , before doing the test , unfortunately I moved up to an other province in Canada , so I couldn't do the test .
> Yesterday , exactly , the depersonalization was so bad and I was completely out of my body , I had to go to the Emergency of the Mental Health , they accepted me right away , I was not able to talk at all , I wrote on a paper that I had a terrible withdrawal of Clonazepam 8 mg that I was prescribed with no proprer diagnosis , three pills of 2 mg and a 2mg PRN when I was feeling to take one , they knew it was too much and they explained me that someone who takes just 2 mg for month it can remain in the body for a long long time !
> ...


*I don t have depersonalization anymore &#8230; But still I m feeling much more better and that's the most important thing to me&#8230; I am happy !!!!!!!!!!!! *

Congratulations! This is fantastic news









*Whit the Neurologist , I had an eeg , encephalogramm , I was reactive but the waves of the EEG were normal ...
He wanted me to have a Sleep EEG , I didn t have to take gazeous drink before and not to sleep , before doing the test , unfortunately I moved up to an other province in Canada , so I couldn't do the test.*

This all makes sense. Be sure to try to get the test re-scheduled.

*Yesterday , exactly , the depersonalization was so bad and I was completely out of my body , I had to go to the Emergency of the Mental Health , they accepted me right away , I was not able to talk at all , I wrote on a paper that I had a terrible withdrawal of Clonazepam 8 mg that I was prescribed with no proprer diagnosis , three pills of 2 mg and a 2mg PRN when I was feeling to take one , they knew it was too much and they explained me that someone who takes just 2 mg for month it can remain in the body for a long long time!*

I've heard of them using as much as 40 mg for epilepsy (wow). Clonazepam has a half-life of about 18-50 hours so it takes 5-12 days or longer to be out of your system.

It is instructive that with Valium you don't have depersonalization anymore. Valium as also an anti-seizure drug - "commonly used for treating anxiety, insomnia, seizures"

*My cousin thought it was an encephalitis or a rare kind of epilepsy , but for that I need an appointment with the neurologist here, and it is gonna take time!*

I have an encephalopathy, it is the source of DR. Used both Valium and Clonazepam for it but rarely anymore. Use a moderate dose of Gabapentin but used to use a lot.

Now that you are working with the hospital, it will help speed things a little. And you have started a working relationship with them, which is always necessary for this kind of stuff. You should be able to work, enjoy life, etc&#8230; soon. Take care and keep us updated


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## rudy (Feb 20, 2011)

Visual Dude said:


> *I don t have depersonalization anymore &#8230; But still I m feeling much more better and that's the most important thing to me&#8230; I am happy !!!!!!!!!!!! *
> 
> Congratulations! This is fantastic news
> 
> ...


*

I've heard of them using as much as 40 mg for epilepsy (wow). Clonazepam has a half-life of about 18-50 hours so it takes 5-12 days or longer to be out of your system. *

Actually in a pee test 40 days after just one dosis of clonazepam , the test is positive , I ask my doctor about the time it could stay in the body , a psychiatrist , and he says to me that only 2 mg TID for months , when you stop it , could stay for months in the body , because the molecule stays in the body fat ... that s why there are rebound effects sometimes ....

Since the beginning I have been collaborating with the doctors but the waiting time is unbelievable ! Here in Canada , but we are lucky , health care are covered at least and that's the most important thing

IT IS MY SECOND DAY WITHOUT DP HURRAY









Thank you for all , hopefully I won t need anymore to make videos , but I really want people who still suffer not to hesitate to share !

Cheers my friend


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

rudy said:


> *
> 
> I've heard of them using as much as 40 mg for epilepsy (wow). Clonazepam has a half-life of about 18-50 hours so it takes 5-12 days or longer to be out of your system. *
> 
> ...


This is interesting about the urine test. Drugs can stay in the tissues a lone time. People have even had reactions in the hospital because of something taken long ago. If a person takes a lot of Vitamin D, it stores in fat. If they have plenty of fat, megadosed a while, then start losing weight rapidy, they can suffer Vitamin D toxicity - even many months later.

It is truely great that you have a solution right now. And it is encouraging for others the hear and note. Take care


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