# Why has my depersonalization gone away?



## Haleyo (Jun 28, 2007)

A few years back I used to check out these forums fairly often and post my thoughts from time to time. It's been a while.

I was stuck in depression and feelings of depersonalization/derealization for about 5 years. For me, the depersonalization was not episodic, it was constant and unrelenting. It was always on my mind, but very difficult to describe to people who hadn't experienced it. Talking about my depersonalization with my family was almost as bad as experiencing it; my parents were suspicious that I was stealing their drugs (I had never even smoked weed), and my strange, unexplainable and unrelatable feelings just confirmed it.

I experienced depersonalization for the first time in 7th grade, but I did not start experiencing it relentlessly until winter term of my freshman year of high school. I grew up the oldest of seven in a very broken, drug-addicted household (broken bones, sending children to the hospital kind of violent), and I felt very responsible for not being able to protect my younger siblings. I survived a violent rape and homelessness, and without going into a lot of unpleasant details, the first 18 or so years of my life were just overall terrible.

My depression was so bad that I would sleep for more than 35 hours in a row. I was so tuned out of my life that it felt, quite literally, like I was floating above myself, watching myself.

Fast forward only a few years and I'm a reasonably happy college student, making good money and having healthy relationships. After two years in court my younger siblings have no-contact orders against our abusers and are in a stable family environment.

To be completely honest, my depersonalization has not gone completely, 100% away. I still experience episodes on occasion. For a long time, every time I would have an anxiety attack and start feeling like I was slipping away it would exacerbate the situation as I would further panic myself into thinking I wasn't going to come back to my body. You see, when my depersonalization started, it started instantly. I had a mild panic attack when I was 14, there wasn't even anything serious going on, and I dissociated and didn't come back down from that feeling for 5 whole years. After I began to recovery, every time I would experience even mild dissociation I thought that was it, there goes the next decade of my life to depersonalization. It took a few episodes of this happening before I realized I was going to be ok, I would calm down and the feeling would go away.

I feel like now that I'm (mostly) on the other side of this horrible experience I owe it to everyone who is still living this way to let them know that it's highly unlikely you will feel like this for the rest of your life. I know, you've been living with it for God knows how many years. You might have even forgotten what it feels like to feel normal. Just please trust me that it won't last forever. You're going to be able to enjoy life again, please believe me.

In the meantime, instead of focusing all of your anger and fear inward and overanalyzing your thoughts and feelings, convincing yourself there's something seriously wrong with you when there isn't, try to focus as much as you can on what's happening outside of you, even if it feels like it's happening to someone else. If you find it impossible to empty your mind of this self-monitoring, try filling up your time with enough obligations and hobbies that your mind is simply too busy to worry.

Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. This is a natural response to constant anxiety. If you've been living in this feeling for long enough you may not be in touch with that anxiety anymore, but I'd be willing to bet that the depersonalization you're experiencing is a direct result of constant anxiety in your everyday life. For me, I had to cut myself off from my family completely (except of course my wonderful siblings), and move away to a different city in order to get away from the environment that was causing me to be constantly in fight or flight. The things in your life which are causing this panic may not be as dramatic as mine, or they may be much worse, but however bad it is you have to believe that there is a way to escape this situation and find somewhere you feel safe being in your own body.

It will get better, please trust me.


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## Coco30 (May 25, 2014)

its good to hear recovery stories!!


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