# Getting Better



## bricoleur (Jul 15, 2007)

I've always had DP, or at least since mid childhood when I first actually took notice of it. It didn't happen so often, perhaps only a couple times a month. By the time I was 15 it was everyday.

Certain triggers seemed to make it worse: Being tired, artificially lighted situations, a sudden burst of sensory stimulation, shoveling snow, sleeping in, using a computer and then transitioning to the outdoors, many other things. I could sense it starting to build up and it would just snap on, sometimes on its own, sometimes with a bit of stimulation.

I developed a generalized anxiety disorder, which I thought was a result of dp episodes (I had some nightmare situations in which dp would have been the very last thing I needed to deal with.)

I was unable to hold a job or have an unhindered social life by the time I was 20. I couldn't handle travel or being too far from home for long.

I had tried SSRIs and talk therapy on and off throughout my teens--none of it really worked, until much later. What had worked was an opinion of a therapist, which at the time seemed highly unlikely--that my anxiety was actually the cause of my dp.

After trying so many things I decided to see how bad I could make it--if I could make it so I would dp extremely easily and make it so I could panic really easily. I also started to think completely differently about how I had--I examined my premises and challenged them (again, it takes a lot for me to do that; after 15+ years of being held back by dp, I was really open to anything.)

Here's the theoretical structure on how I think about my dp, it isn't something I think can be generalized to everyone regardless of context, but maybe someone can benefit:

I picked up attitudes very young regarding overall evaluations and feelings and attitudes about existence in general. These were attitudes that had become so much of who I am I didn't notice them. I believed that living had to involve suffering; not just the suffering of the struggles of survival, but that I was not equipped to handle the abuses of a violent reality. I easily became pessimistic and "dramatic" about any kind of inconvenience in life.

In addition, after years and years of dealing with dp and anxiety, it perpetuated those attitudes: I *wanted* anxiety and depersonalization. *I COULD NEVER* imagine life where I could go out and do things like everyone else--it was a comfortable, well known place to be, even if it was holding me back. And it was holding me back, I was impotent as I had always expected.

Further, there's an egocentric element to my anxiety. NO ONE has dp--I'm some special case that no one can ever understand. Totally alone--totally unique. I was afraid the world would change and I would fly off into the universe...a fear that gravity would give out as I stood at the top of a hill or in an open field. I could feel gravity sinking away and I would casually lean against a tree so that I couldn't seem like a nut. Or I would seek shelter over my head to feel safe again.

I decided to counter this toxic philosophy by telling myself some things.

*You are not special*--in the many, many thousands of generations of humans before me, I am no different. I am equipped in just the same way as everyone else. Just like the many, many thousands of generations of humans, of the many billions who have walked the earth why am I so privileged to think that it will be in my insignificant lifetime that gravity will magically give out? If the universe was bent on my destruction, and I was created unequal (and in a lesser way), then why did I even come into existence over several millions of years in the creation of humanity? I'm not unequal, I'm the same as every other human who has ever been. The sun rises again and again, for so long before I ever existed--and will continue to do so long after I'm gone.

Like everyone else, I CAN survive and I CAN do so without extra suffering--I get setbacks in life like everyone else, but I _keep things in perspective_. Everything I lose can be recovered. Everything will work out and be ok.

On top of that, I decided to change how I thought and behaved on a daily basis. I let go of being angry--I'm angry about things, but I save it for when it is most warranted. I stopped being pessimistic to the best of my ability. I saved dramatics as best as possible and decided to slow down and be calmer about everything. I am passionate about a number of things, but only for things that warrant passion. For example: when repairing my Jeep and I hit a major problem, let's say the lug nut is frozen and nothing is removing it (air tools rounded it, pounding on and ruining a socket doesn't work, pipe wrench doesn't work, torching it and trying again doesn't help, etc) instead of becoming extremely irate, thinking the worst will happen (that I need to take it in to get it cut off lol), and all the dramatics--I stay cool and calm and deal with it.

The result of these changes in thinking caused an immediate and continual improvement. I am doing things now that I haven't done in many years. Further, I haven't depersonalized in the longest time yet--about a year. I had and have some close calls with dping, but it doesn't scare me or bother me that much--I shrug it off and proceed. I do get some dp symptoms at times, but they are very limited and not disabling compared to how things were.

If I can figure out a way to outsmart the dp--if I can figure out why just my eyes depersonalize now (looks like I'm looking at a 3D poster) then I will consider myself 99% cured. I am confident that that will happen for me in time.

Just wanted to share, thanks for reading!


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## wetlknboutpractice2222 (Feb 7, 2010)

bricoleur said:


> I've always had DP, or at least since mid childhood when I first actually took notice of it. It didn't happen so often, perhaps only a couple times a month. By the time I was 15 it was everyday.
> 
> Certain triggers seemed to make it worse: Being tired, artificially lighted situations, a sudden burst of sensory stimulation, shoveling snow, sleeping in, using a computer and then transitioning to the outdoors, many other things. I could sense it starting to build up and it would just snap on, sometimes on its own, sometimes with a bit of stimulation.
> 
> ...


nice post man


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## wetlknboutpractice2222 (Feb 7, 2010)

bricoleur said:


> I've always had DP, or at least since mid childhood when I first actually took notice of it. It didn't happen so often, perhaps only a couple times a month. By the time I was 15 it was everyday.
> 
> Certain triggers seemed to make it worse: Being tired, artificially lighted situations, a sudden burst of sensory stimulation, shoveling snow, sleeping in, using a computer and then transitioning to the outdoors, many other things. I could sense it starting to build up and it would just snap on, sometimes on its own, sometimes with a bit of stimulation.
> 
> ...


nice post man


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks a lot for this. It's really encouraging, especially on a day when it's hitting me just how many years I've been like this, and how foreign and maybe undoable my life might seem without it. Really happy for you that things are getting better, and thanks for the reminder that there's hope.

What you're saying about changing your thinking helps a lot, too. I definitely grew up grim and fearful, with a tight lid on my emotions and this feeling, at times, like a big sea of unreality could overwhelm this fragile world that pretended to make sense, at just about any time. It was quite the psychological recipe for dp, and carried with it the sense of isolation that I'm still having a tough time letting go of. What you said about not being special helps a ton. Thanks!


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