# My Story



## THEDerekHardin (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm new here & I've made it a point that I will tell my story, reply every once in awhile, & that's it. Because I want as little as a connection this hellhole of a disorder as possible. ANYWAYS.. here it is:About a week after Christmas this year, I smoked pot as usual. I had done it for 2 years or so & ocassionally would go on a pretty intense trip but I'd usually just roll with it & I'd chill and mellow out & have a good time. This time was different. I was casually playing Madden stoned as fuck when all of a sudden.. shit just got way too crazy. My heart started pounding & I just started to completely freak out. My mouth went dry, my stomach cramped up, & it was so hard to breathe. I was totally convinced I was gonna die that night & just said FUCK THIS & went to bed.When I woke up.. I was changed. I still felt high. Or just felt off. Everything just seemed.. weird. But I didn't think anything about it.

Well.. a week goes by & I would tell people I just had REALLY bad anxiety from quitting smoking pot (which probably was true, at it's peak I couldn't take one step without my heart pounding so outrageously fast & my hands & feet would go numb. This happened over a course of about 4 or 5 days. That's over now THANK GOD). But this.. feeling. It just didn't go away.I would just look out the car window as we'd drive places & just felt.. disconnected. From everything & everyone. But for a week or so, I didn't tell ANYONE. I thought "you're just being stupid, Derek." But at some point I just started to completely succumb to the feeling. It started to freak me out & I found myself asking stupid questions like "Am I real? Do I exist? Is reality real? Am I ACTUALLY in a dream? Was my past life all a lie?" I would poke myself with thumbtacks to prove I was real & could feel pain. Very odd feeling, to say the least.

So I'm thinking "oh my God, I've caused brain damage. I've ruined my life. Etc." I eventually got curious & just went on google & typed in "feeling fake." BAM. Depersonalization/Derealization pops up. I felt almost every symptom described & immediately self-diagnosed myself with it on the spot.The first month & a half with it were complete hell. I would get on my hands & knees every morning & pray to God to take this feeling away. I was scared to death of everything & barely left my home - let alone my room. I would ask stupid questions like "what is a tv? What is the language we speak? Etc." & I honestly thought I was losing my mind. At some point in early February I started waking up feeling pretty much normal but the thoughts were there still. But it was like they had no power over me.

But it came at a price - I could sleep very little. Even after taking zzzquil, I would go into as a deep as a sleep possible without actually.. going to sleep? If that makes sense? Like, no R.E.M. sleep. So this made me lose touch with everything too, I was tired & very fatigued. I went to my grandmas during this time & made a very big mistake. I felt I was coming along great & figured a coke wouldn't hurt me. VERY BAD DECISION. I could only drink half the can, & then I suddenly just started to feel very anxious & scared. Like I was just going to disappear. I feel asleep pretty good that night but the next morning...BAM. I was back into it. And man, it was bad. I felt totally detached & disconnected from everything again. I didn't wanna do shit but forced myself outside & went for a walk & just felt completely gone. The place I called home seemed foreign. The surrounding environment seemed very hazy & foggy. I didn't know what to feel. I was a numb observer to the world.

During this time, I became obsessed with the symptoms. I even printed off the "Holy Grail" thread and would constantly read it over and over and over again. It was all I could think about. It was then I pretty much revealed to everyone how I felt, how it developed, etc. I was scared to death again.At some point earlier this month, I just said FUCK THIS. I DONT CARE ANYMORE. I suddenly broke free from it for an hour or two. Like, completely. It was as if the thought was completely erased from my mind & I couldn't think about it even if I wanted to! I had ocassional moments where I'd snap out of it but it lasted much shorter than this time. It was then I realized, it won't be much longer.At some point I just stopped waking up & thinking "how do you feel today?" I stopped thinking "what if? Could it be? But?"

I read the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. And it really opened my eyes, so much in fact, after I finished it I experienced 100% relief. For a few hours, reality was just there again. The panel of glass & fogginess was just gone. Once again, I said.. omg. That's what I'm missing, huh? It won't be much longer.Today I can say the thoughts are pretty much gone. They come every once in awhile but I immediately say "those thoughts are nonsensical bullshit. You've been there & done that. It doesn't lead to anything good." And that's it. It's gone. The feeling still persists but I just roll with it now & don't give a shit. It is what it is. I'm still struggling with the outside world (nature, strangers, going places) but I'm getting out a lot more & am definitely social again like I was pre-DP. I'm soooo much more comfortable with it than I was & I know it won't be much longer until this is all over. Change the way you think. Distract yourself. As hard as it is now, let the thoughts go. Focus on today. The present. If you freak out, that's all that's going to happen. That's it. Nothing else. You can do it. And I can do it, too.


----------



## THEDerekHardin (Mar 24, 2014)

Yeah, I don't really worry or stress over going back to normal. I do sometimes wonder how it feels though. But hopefully sooner than later I won't have to wonder much longer. 
And.. y'know, it's funny because now I look back at that time in january & laugh because I now ask "what was I so scared about?" & poking myself with thumbtacks.. I look at that now and say "lol wtf that was dumb." So yeah.


----------

