# Girlfriend was unfaithful to me but promises me vehemently she never cheated physically.



## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

My girlfriend went up into a hotel room with one of her girlfriends and a few guys the met at a bar. They were drunk.

As she openly explained her story to me the next day, telling me what a crazy night she had, I went into shock.

She told me that she was worried about her friend and felt that she needed to protect her and that's why she went into the hotel room. At one point she and one or two of the guys went back down to have a cigarette and when they came back up the door had a "do not disturb" sign hanging there. Everyone put it together that my gf's friend was having sex with one of the guys. So one of the other guys suggested they go to another room. She declined and left. She told me she felt so proud of herself when she was walking home.

Thing is, the story didn't add up. If the only reason she went up in the hotel room was to protect her friend, she failed on every mark. She left her alone in the room to have sex and then left her there completely when she saw the "do not disturb" sign.

So I started probing her about it. Trying to make her version of the story line up with the reality of what happened. Did she cheat on me? These are the facts that I was able to pull out of her:
• she knew that sex was on the agenda in these guys minds. That her friend wanted to have sex and was very promiscuous. 
•my girlfriend had a promiscuous past herself, and acknowledged that if she had not been in a relationship with me there was a chance that she would've ended up having sex. 
•this friend of hers that she was worried about was a very aggressive person and not the type to put herself in situations she couldn't handle. My girlfriend knew this because she has been friends with her since they were children. 
•the guys whom she had been talking to the most, followed her down to the lobby when she decided to leave to try to talk her into staying. Which explains why she felt so "proud of herself" when she left. 
•she told me that when she first went up there she felt very uncomfortable and unsafe so she wanted to leave, but did not feel that way until she got into the hotel room. This part of the story seems implausible since she went down to have a cigarette in the lobby and then came back up in the elevator with them. Also this happened in Washington DC, she is an attractive white female who lived in a not so great neighborhood, and she walked home alone and drunk at 2am, maybe later, when she left. If her sense of safety was so strong, she would not of done that. 
•At one point when she was retelling the story to me when I was probing her, she changed many of the facts. Her new story was that went up in the elevator hung out in the room for 10 minutes, talk to a guy there, that there were "at least 10-15 guys in the room, she told her friend she was leaving and left. 
•she has a history of telling me stories about men from her past implying that they were friends of hers, but leaving out the part where she had sex with them. I only realized and confronted her about it later and she admitted it. She says the reason for this is that she wanted to block out the memory because she was not proud of it. 
•she has a history of lying to me, sometimes about even small things in order to get my approval. 
•she uses plausible deniability to get what she wants without having to be accountable that she wanted it. She doesn't have to make a plan or desire what she wants; all she has to do is line herself up for it to happen, that way if she's been rejected she can tell herself she was never interested in the first place. This includes almost every time she and I have had sex. 
Finally,
• The first month that we were together she led me to believe that she had dated a guy briefly, admitted at the time that they had sex once a long time ago, but they had become friends and that he had cancer and she was concerned about him. When I objected to her being friends with this guy she quickly said that she didn't want to be friends with him anyway and that she wanted to be left alone. A week or two later she told me that she had told him to leave her alone. I thought it was weird at the time but didn't think much of it. A couple weeks after that he texted her again while we were in bed and she put the phone in my face and explained that it was this guy. I took the phone out of her hand and confronted him through text. I quickly found out through his response that this guy knew a hell of a lot more about me than I knew about him. I lost my shit, turned to her and pushed her for information. At the time she said, that all she wanted was for him to leave her alone and she told him those things in order to convince him to do that. Much, much later she admitted to me that she was trying to make me jealous of him, as well as making the other guy jealous of me. That the only reason why she was talking to him was to get revenge because of how he treated her like a slut before, but had no plans on ever seeing him, let alone sleeping with him. She just wanted to lead him on and then ignore him. My girlfriend is very easily swayed, and he is very persuasive. I don't know if I can trust her story, I don't even feel entirely sure if she actually met him. She denies vehemently that she has never cheated on me.

I don't know what to believe. The story of the text message incident happened only a few weeks before the hotel incident. All of this happened 4.5 years ago, with no incidences after. At the time I had severe DP, and so I was not so sharp at connecting the dots. The reason why this came up so many years later, is that I have been coming out of the DP and started being able to connect the dots. Her story still doesn't make sense and she has dragged her feet in admitting the slightest details. She continues to use plausible deniability, so she doesn't have to be accountable for much of it, and she continues to change the fact of the story to try to make them fit what she is saying.

I know she used me as a prop to get her kicks, I know that what she has admitted to me, at least so far, was very unfaithful and selfish, but I have this 50/50 sense that she might have actually slept with these guys.

Sorry for the super long post, it's been torture to realize these things and have her not come clean about the smallest details to make it sound more innocent. Clearly, there is something wrong with her, but I have a deep loyalty streak and we've been together for almost 5 years. I want her to come clean without me probing her- that has happened with some of the other stories but not these two. I hope that if she gets her story straight and it lines up with the story (and it does not involve sex), that maybe we can move on and I can forgive her. She has been very loyal to me ever since, although a little crazy- including constantly accusing me of wanting to cheat on her. I just want to know who the hell I've been with the last 5 years!

Help!


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

If you ask me, your girl should not be putting herself in these situations to begin with. The fact that she's even in that kind of scenario is not a good sign. I mean, I never really controlled the girls I've dated but they sort of knew to either be hanging out with me, be alone, or be in low-key situations with friends or family that aren't booze-fuelled or whatever.

Anyway, the thing is, you're not likely to ever find out what happened. If you probe further, you risk losing her, which would be shitty especially if she is indeed innocent. At the time it happened, I probably would've given her a good telling off, told her to get her act together from now on and that would have been the end of it. But since that's 4.5 years ago there's not much you can do about it now. I think you should decide for yourself whether you can either live with what may have happened or decide that it's too hurtful to think about and consider moving on. The ball's in your court since she continues to be tight lipped about it.

Sorry for the situation though man.


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

Thanks for the advice Chicane. Regardless of whether she did cheat on me or not, I feel like the relationship was based on deception of who she really is. The fact that her story still has holes in it is driving me crazy with fear and insecurity. I think the reason why I didn't deal with it back then is that it would have crushed me in my dp'd state.


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2016)

I know you wanted advice, but you really have to go with your gut on this one, thats just how relationships are. Although I do agree with a lot of what chicane said.


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you. You're right. For whatever reason I am struggling with fully accepting my gut. It like I want to be proved wrong.


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## hidden (Nov 28, 2015)

Dafahq, retep.

Aren't you old enough to know, that even if your hunch that she is slutty is not true, that you may not get a straight answer?

And what does it matter?

If she is throwing you under the bus and not being nice, 'kick her to the curb'.

Don't beat yourself up on this one.

There are so many people in this world; don't get hung up on a lady of the night so to speak.

It's beyond your control unless you want to get fundamental Islam on her, which I suggest not.

I guess if you were in Iran you could have her stoned to death.

Let it go. Figure out if you want to even engage anymore with this person.

It is not your obligation to appease this person.

You can let her go and find a much better lady: faster than she can say 'where's my suitcase?'.


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

I had a nervous breakdown last night and said it was over. I just got to a point where her reality just didn't make any sense to me and I hit my breaking point trying to work it out. I think that's why I wouldn't of been able to face it 4.5 years ago- I would have gone into a terrible state of unreality with that.

She admitted last night that she was a compulsive liar, not something one usually admits to. I know she did that because she genuinely cared, but still can't help herself from lying to me.

I'm also pretty sure that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She has put herself in a lot of dangerous situations in her adult life, including one in which she was raped by a Nigerian guy- she put herself in that situation but has maintained that she blacked out and when she came to immediately stopped it. Whatever. I feel sorry for her, but I also don't entirely know what to believe either.

I won't ever be entirely sure if she cheated, but I will say that that is one part of the story that has been consistent all the way through; so in post break-up I'll give her (and myself) the benefit of the doubt and say she didn't.

The crazy thing is she has helped me more than any person I've known with facing down this DP/DR. I got it when I was 22, I'm 40 now, and although there are still some disassociative issues I'm working through- I haven't felt any type of DP in over a year. I hope she gets the help she needs but most don't.

Thank you, guys, for your thoughts and insights. It's much appreciated.


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## hidden (Nov 28, 2015)

You have to weigh both sides: Pros vs. Cons:

1. Is she helpful enough with your condition for it to be of your best-interest?

2. Do you need someone who is Borderline to toy with your emotions?

3. Does cheating from your significant other affect you to the point of influencing your emotions and condition negatively?

4. Do you want a compulsive liar as a girlfriend?

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I* would suggest answering these questions and rating each question from 0-10. 0 being the least concern. 10 being the most concern. *

**If your combined/added total of the rating of these 4 questions is 21 or higher, I would seriously consider 'letting this person go'. **


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## Guest (Aug 13, 2016)

This is going to sound nuts but this is coming from a women who's been with her boyfriend for 8 years and has two children with him a relationship full of infidelities on his part but I did not know the severity of his cheating ways until he had to come clean six years later and it was shockingI was so blind but now I see! Since then he has completely changed and I will tell you why!

In the first six years he kept leaving me and the kids all the time. I knew he was unfaithful. It made me suicidal. It was like Everytime he left me I died all over again left a single and weak mother. The very last time he left me I grieved for three months but I vowed it would be the last me and my kids went through it I met someone in the process and feel in love ended up being with him a year and having a baby with him. Josh couldn't believe it he became extremely suicidal and depressed and I was so in love I didn't care.h e kept begging me to come back

Curious I asked him to tell me how bad the cheating was a big mistake it was so bad I died all over again over one hundred women including my friends and had intimate relationships. He was my best friend father of my kids and my boyfriend since I was 14 how could he!

Moral of the story is It took almost 2 years til I forgave him and let him back in my life but he vowed to never cheat again I have faith anybody can change!


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

Wow, Pink. That sounds like such a difficult thing to go through. You are very brave to go through all of that and to forgive him. I'm sure it was not easy, but shows a great depth in you.


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## Guest (Aug 13, 2016)

It wasn't easy but I learned a lesson and so did he because the guy I actually met ruined my life had my kids taken from me only three weeks after meeting him abused me and tormented and if that wasn't enough he persuaded me into doing hard drugs to cope with the loss of my kids which I became addicted to in no time and of course I lost my first apartment that me and Josh worked are asses for together as a family . I went from a good mother who knew nothing about drugs or anything to a wreck. I hope to write a book about my story.

Leave this girl if she will not change. It will cause you great grief.


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