# I'm struggling to cope....



## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hi, you guys!

Sorry it's been a while since I last posted here.

For those of you who don't know me, my partner and I had been trying to concieve for almost a year. We've been living together for almost four years. Even though he already has two boys, 11 and 13, he was insistent that he would LOVE to have another child.

Last month, I discovered the fabulous news that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic! My partner seemed over the moon when I shared the wonderful news, but the following day, I noticed a change in him.

To cut a long story short, he quickly lost all interest in me and our baby. I begged him to open up and talk to me, even if what he had to say would break my heart. He kept refusing to talk. I don't believe there's another woman, as he rarely goes out of his flat. I think he's suddenly realised he DOESN'T want another child, after all (Any suggestions?).

Then he fitted a door, which seperated our huge apartment (It was originally two flats). As you can imagine, I was distraught. I went through hell, wondering how on earth I was going to manage on my own with a baby, what with my Depression, DP, DR, anxiety, etc.. What with the heartache of splitting up, too, I felt suicidal. Thank goodness I've got some good friends and a loving family. Everyone had noticed the sudden change in him. Unknown to me, my dad had even asked him if he was happy about the baby. He said he was.

Anyway, I managed to find the strength to carry on. I decided I would simply do the best I can. It helped to know that I'll be closely monitored, due to my long history of Depression. It was only last week that I started to enjoy my pregnancy. I knew this baby would be the best thing to ever happen in my life. Such a precious miracle...

But for the past couple of days, I've been bleeding and had period pains. Last night, I had severe diarrhoea for thirteen and a half hours. I took the maximum dose of Immodium, but it didn't work. My GP referred me to an out-of-hours doctor, who explained that the diarrhoea was hormonal. She told me to see my GP tomorrow morning, who will arrange for me to have an ultrasound scan immediately, as she thinks my pregnancy could be ectopic.

But a few hours ago, the blood became very heavy and the period pain was bad. I've taken paracetamol, but they haven't eased the pain. I spoke to a different out-of-hours doctor, who told me to go to Accident and Emergency, should the pain become unbearable. After answering all my questions, he told me that there would be nothing they could do to stop it, if it IS a miscarriage. All they would be able to do is monitor me. I decided I'd rather be in my own bed, hiding away...praying...and hoping to escape into sleep.

So tomorrow, I should have an Ultrasound scan. Meantime, I'm trying my best to think positively, but I'm finding it extremely difficult. I told my friends that if I lose this baby, I'll go straight to our local animal shelter and adopt three dogs, who'll give me something to live for.

But right now, I don't know how I'm going to cope. I need ALL my friends around me. It'll help when I'm back online, but that could take up to two weeks, to connect me in my flat. I've got a few friends who will let me use their PCs, so I can log on here. I only hope that I can push myself to get out of bed tomorrow and the next day and the next day....

Sorry to be such a misery guts.  Have any of you got some positive suggestions for me?

Love,

Lesley


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

I'm sorry it's going so rough for you.

Needless to say, I hope this pregnancy is successful.

And if your boyfriend doesn't get over these negative emotions he's going through, would he not still be held liable for child support? (I know nothing of British law, of course).

It would be a poor substitute for a significant other, but at least there would be far less financial burden for you to bear.

Hope it all works out,

e


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hiya e!

Thanks for your reply. I've just this minute been discharged from hospital. I stayed in overnight and suffered a 'complete' miscarriage. 

I'll try to log back on here later.

Thanks again, e.

Love,

Les


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## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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## Guest (Jul 5, 2005)

Sunshine Spirit said:


> Hiya e!
> 
> Thanks for your reply. I've just this minute been discharged from hospital. I stayed in overnight and suffered a 'complete' miscarriage.
> 
> ...


So sorry to hear that. All is not lost though, I know a woman who has just given birth to a healthy baby after several miscarriages and even failing to get pregant at all.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi Sunshine, very sorry to hear this. Please look after yourself and keep chatting to us - your friends and family sound supportive so let them help you through this. Things will start getting better soon. Gxxxx


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

mrmole makes a good point. You have many more chances at this, I know that is no consolation to you now. And probably not something you want to think about but if it is something you are worried about, I'm sure the doc told you, its just one of life's shit things that happens and sometimes for no reason at all, having no effect on future pregnancies.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

O Sunshine i just read today. A really really humoungas tiger hug for you. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

Make sure you are taking good care of you and i hope you have some loving and supportive people around you. You are in my thoughts.

ShyTiger


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Thanks, everyone!

I'm not online at home yet, but I soon will be.

I've had a bad week. I've been grieving over my baby, Lance and his two sons, Michael and Joseph. I loved them all, so it's really hard trying to get over them all at the same time. I know I'll get through this, but it'll take some time.

At the moment, I can't bear the thought of giving away all the things I bought for my baby. I can't handle the heartache. Even though I can't bear to even look at any of it, I've decided to keep it all for now.

I've suffered hellish migraines for ages now. My GP prescribed me Naramig, otherwise known as Naratriptan. Even though I know that most miscarriages happen for unknown reasons, I believe that it was this anti-migraine medication that killed my baby (As well as the severe stress).  You see, I looked them up on the Internet. They've NEVER been tested on human foetuses! In all the tests on animals, the drug was toxic to the foetus. It deformed them all badly. My GP KNEW I was trying for a baby. WHY did he prescribe such dangerous drugs?!!!!

Mrmole, thanks for your encouraging words. Yes, I'm clinging on to the hope that I will one day meet someone else and that life will give me another chance of having a baby. The hospital doctor told me it's highly unlikely I'll miscarry again.

g-funk, thanks for your positive words, although I doubt if I'll get many more chances. You see, I'm 37 years old now! I just pray I'll get one more chance...

soiledangel and ShyTiger, thanks for the hugs. My friends and family have all been wonderful. They still all ring me every day, to see how I am.

I've been trying to keep myself busy, but no matter where I look (even though it IS obvious!), there are babies and children EVERYWHERE!!!!! There are so many people who have vast amounts of love to give, yet for some reason, they can't have kiddies. I hate it when I read about abusive parents. Life can be so unfair....

Thanks again, all you caring, wonderful people.

Love,

Lesley


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

I think that unsupportive guy should have his balls mutilated.

Other than that, I'm really sorry to hear this. I hope things get better for you and you seem to be doing an amazing job getting yourself through.


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Thanks, person3, I appreciate your thoughts AND I agree with them - especially as I've now discovered that there WAS another woman involved!

Love,

Les


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

i can't fucking believe it. castrate him!


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Well, he does sound like he needs a bit of castration. I could do with a trip home to Cardiff, count me in!

Sunshine, my Mum had two miscarriages then had me just before she turned 40. And that was in the day when that was fairly old (to have a baby!). Times are very different now. If you GOT pregnant, there's nothing to say you can't again. She had had two boys previously. Because of the miscarriages afterwards, they gave her some kind of hormone treatment to make sure she kept hold of me. So there are ways and means! 
Having said all that, getting yourself back on your feet and in a strong place mentally and physically is your priority here.
:wink:


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

(tiger growls!) i will refrain from describing what this tiger would like to do! Just want to say sunshine that that is definatley not someone you want in your life! You deserve much much better!

Take all the time you need to get yourself well again and know we are here to listen and offer suport if you need it.

Take care
ShyTiger


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Ha ha! Thanks, you guys! I wouldn't waste any more of my time on him, even if it was to castrate him. After all, he already has to live with the fact that he's only got a three inch penis! Yep!....And that's when it's erect!!! :wink:

Actually, I think my love for him had fizzled out a lot. This was not the first time he's hurt me badly. The heartache of losing my baby is worse. I know I'm going to be alright. It'll just take time. Despite me having severe DR lately, I haven't had DP. This is the first time that I've ever wished to be completely emotionally dead, but it looks like as if I'll simply have to suffer the pain. Sod's law, I'll get it when I don't want it...

g-funk and ShyTiger, thanks for all your positive words. A lot of people have been telling me that I've got MANY years of hope left yet. Actually, one of my friends has just told me she's been trying for a baby...and she's 43! So this is all very encouraging for me. Meantime, I just hope the Menopause stays at bay...

Love,

Les


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hi Guys!

Just letting you all know that I'm doing really well. I can actually LOOK at babies now, without feeling jealous.

I also wanted to say about the bitchy remark on my last post. Firstly, I was feeling very bitter at the time, but now feel quite ashamed of writing something so nasty. Secondly, I want to say that I remember joking with Martin, not to feel down about losing his hair (from Chemotherapy), because some women find bald gits extremely sexy. He said that people also say 'size doesn't matter', but it DOES really (or words to that effect). Well, Martin and all you other blokes reading this - Size REALLY doesn't matter. I was more than happy/satisfied for four years.

I'm still seriously thinking about adopting some dogs.

Love,

Sunshine X


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2005)

Sunshine Spirit said:


> he's only got a three inch penis! Yep!....And that's when it's erect!!!



















Ahem.

Sorry.

[/immature] :wink:


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Size matters if you have NO other redeeming qualities. But then if you don't have redeeming qualities, not many people will want to sleep with you. I guess.


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Just to let you know that Lance has* finally *become a member here. His username is Happy Chappy! :lol:

For almost four years, I've begged him to read about DP/DR and Depression, but it looks like as if he's now decided to listen to me. Pity it's a bit too late! Anyway, I just wanted to say: make sure you all give him hell!!! (Only joking!) :wink:


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hiya guys!

I'm feeling quite down right now. Tomorrow afternoon, I've got an appointment with my GP. I intend to have the Depo Contraceptive injection. It's breaking my heart to think of having it done, because it's making me feel as if all my baby dreams are final right now. 

Anyway, It's the most efficient contraception going and covers me for three months. Even though I doubt if I'll meet my Mr Right for quite a while, I have to be responsible, as you never know....

I've also decided it's best for me to sell all my baby stuff.  It tears me apart to think of doing this, but I know I MUST, as it's all just prolonging my heartache. Also, could you imagine if I *did* find my Mr Right and he came to my apartment? Seeing the cot and all that baby stuff....he'd run a mile! He he!

I can't even bear to look at any of it, as I know I won't be able to let some of it go. I've got some of the most beautiful dresses, with matching cardigans and soft, silk shoes, etc.. But I know it's ALL got to go, or I won't move on in life. I'm going to ask my friends to take it all away (when I'm not looking) and sell it at a car boot sale. Everything is brand new, so it'll sell quickly. Whatever doesn't sell, I'll ask my friends to donate to the RSPCA.

Also, I'm feeling a bit worried, because my dad told me he had a voice message from the hospital's Early Pregnancy Unit today. They've asked for me to contact them. I'm worried that it's about the lumps on my ovary and fallopian tube, which the Internal Ultrasound Scan revealed. I know I shouldn't panic, but I can't think what else they could want to talk to me about....


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

May I come and join you in misery Sunshine ? What a sad story.

Anyway, ring the hospital straight away. Don't put it off. And, as is easy for us neurotics - think the worst !! So when everything turns out OK, as it probably will, the relief will be even better. My sister had a polycistic (spelling?) ovary removed, and she still had two kids, so don't worry.

Take care.


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hey, Martin!

Of course you can come and join me in misery! Only trouble is, I'm feeling a lot better tonight, but I'd be more than happy to hear any miseries you'd like to share. It'd help me to stop feeling so sorry for myself! I haven't read many posts here recently (as I'm not online at home yet), so I don't know how you are - except for reading that you got laid and didn't remember much about it! BTW, I reckon she asked for your 'phone number, so she could nick more of your stuff afterwards!!! :wink: :lol: Seriously, though - did you ever find the culprit?

Now* I* need to get laid....!!! 

All joking aside, how are you now, Martin? I assume you've finished that course of Chemo.? I really hope you're doing ok.

Thanks for your kind, encouraging words. I rang the hospital first thing this morning. They asked me to go in for a pregnancy test and a scan!!  She was sorry to hear I'd miscarried. Seems there was a breakdown in communication.....


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## Shadow Cat (May 3, 2005)

I'm so sorry about all that has happened! I hope that you feel better soon. Also, if you haven't already thought about trying to adopt, that might be something you might want to consider. There is a lot to go through to adopt though. You should get some dogs if you can too. Dogs always make you feel better and cheer you up. You will probably feel good about adopting a dog since you save its life.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Ah god, that's a bummer. What a spectacular mix up in communication. I don't know why hopsitals or whatever don't take more care with something as emotive as maternity. Idiots.

I'm OK thanks. I've recently finished my second bout of seven poisonings with chemo. I've got to wait for a while and if my platelet count isn't back to normal, or as close to normal as can be expected, I've then got to decide when to go for 'aggressive' chemo, and radiotherapy, or just take my chances. I know it's perhaps not the way to look at it, but I don't know if I can handle going through it all again - just for the sake of adding a few years on my life. It's unlikely that the strain I've got will kill me, in the near future anyway, and I might just have to live with getting blisters and sores and stuff.

As for getting laid and losing all my property ! :lol: Well, I lost my stuff long before I met this woman, so it wasn't her fault. I did agree to see her again (big of me eh?), but I didn't. I'm a little bit embarrassed to be honest, because I was completely smashed out of my face, and (horrors of horrors) she might expect me to be able to keep it up (extreme boozing, random excess) on another night out...which my poor body will not allow without 14 days of detox and lying quietly in a dark room afterwards. But the whole episode leaked a little of my avarice so I'm not content to sit at home and read. For a little while anyway.


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Shadow Cat, thanks for your kind words. As for adopting, I wouldn't stand a chance, as I've got a long history of Depression, etc.. Anyway, I'm getting on with my life pretty well now.

Every day that passes, I DO think more and more of adopting some dogs. I can save their lives, yes! Then in return, they'd save mine.

Martin, thanks for updating me. I pray that your platelet count WILL be back to normal. If not, then I can understand what a very difficult decision it would be, to either go for 'aggressive' Chemo and Radiotherapy, or just take your chances.

I've donated 97 pints of blood (shame we don't get paid for it here, like they do in the States!), I'm a bone marrow donor, I wouldn't think twice about donating a kidney to a loved one, and when I snuff it, my family and friends all know that I wish to donate my organs, etc..

I don't donate plasma and platelets anymore. They won't take it, because I'm on anti-depressants. However, it's good to know how strict they are over here, as there's very little chance of catching something nasty from a transfusion. Martin, my blood group is ORH Positive. If there is something I can give you to help you, then I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Please take good care of yourself. X


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## Byrde (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi Sunshine,

So sorry to read of your troubles!

I pray you will fine

about selling blood, I don't think they pay for it here in the U.S anymore.. could be wrong

adopting a pet is a great idea


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hi Byrde!

Thanks for your encouraging words. I'm sorry to read that you've also known the heartache of giving away baby stuff.

Every time I think that things are improving, depression grips me and I'm right back where I started. Yesterday, I felt suicidal again. I've tried to escape into sleep, in the hope that I'll wake up feeling better, but I keep having terrible nightmares, so I wake up feeling just as bad. I'm feeling a little better now. I know I'll be okay when the depression lifts. Sorry to moan, but I'm just so fed up of this constant heartache. It's not just losing my baby, but the truth is I still love Lance. I would never in a million years take him back, but I'm finding it really difficult to move on.

About the depo - thanks for the warning, but I'm one of the lucky ones, as I've been on it for years before and I've never had any side effects.

As for the lumps on my ovary and fallopian tube, I've decided to blank it all out of my mind. I'll deal with it, if and when the hospital contacts me.

I'm so sorry to read that you had uterine cancer last year and went through hell. I'm so glad you're alright now.

I was only joking about getting paid for blood! I just meant that I'd be rich. He he! I watched a comedy, where this American bloke is skint, so he keeps selling his blood, each time giving a different name and wearing disguises, until he eventually collapses.

I've started to buy things for dogs. When I've got a drawer full of chews, medicines, shampoo and everything I need to spoil them with, I've decided I AM going to go and adopt some furry people. They'll give me lots of meaning in life.


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

P.S. I'll be online at home on 11th August, so that'll help me a lot. I'll be able to log on here every day then and catch up with reading everyone's posts.


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## Byrde (Aug 10, 2004)

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