# Realizing my condition and how I got here.



## Nietzschean (Mar 6, 2014)

Greetings from Sweden (subtle way of excusing my poor English)!

I just wanted to introduce myself, write down my story and get it out. It might be kinda therapeutic for me in itself to write it down so bear with me.

I'm born and raised in Sweden and have lived here my entire life. I have 2 amazing parents, who always have been supportive and nice to me. My father have a bit of a drinking problem, but it was never something I noticed. He never drink until hes smashed, his problem is that he always drink smaller amounts. As if to keep up some kind of constant tipsiness. I have 6 siblings, whom I never had any problems with. I've been through some emotional rough spots now and then with destructive relationships(as in having a girlfriend I never loved for 2 years who hated all my friends because "they stole me from her"), being cheated on by my one true love one week before we were supposed to move in together and so forth. But nothing really traumatic.

I've always been a thinker. I've been involved in politics since I was 12, my father have been debating politics, religion and philosophy with me for as long as I can remember. I got introduced to Nietzsche when I was 15-16 years old, and from that point on till this day, my true passion was and is philosophy. I've been living, breathing, philosophy ever since. Writing my own essays, reading other peoples essays and books, spending whole days to try and deconstruct reality, consciousness and existence.

I was completely sober (not even tasted alcohol or had one single cigarette) until I was 19 years old, which is about a year and a half ago. I got introduced to cannabis, and liked it alot. So I smoked alot. 3-4 days a week for almost a year, with weekly breaks now and then. I also tried psychadelic mushrooms, which I really enjoyed, and ate on 4 or 5 different occasions. I had a really bad trip on shrooms which ended up with me shouting at my friends until they called an ambulance. It was a borderline-psychosis-experience where I didn't understand anything. I had no Idea who or what my 2 friends were, I thought that I spoke in a made up language that no one understood and I was sure that my body was shutting itself off. Stupid as I am, I did shrooms twice after that, one really good trip and one that was a bit back-and-forth. After this madness I decided to stick to cannabis, which ended up with another bad trip where I thought that I had a heart-attack. After that I really started to take it easy with cannabis, only smoking occasionally and since new year I've only been inducing alcohol and nicotine.

But some time ago, I started to realize that everything seemed kinda different. Things just didn't look the way they used to look. The changes were small, indescribable but still noticeable. I had moments where i just sat with a group of people and realized "I have no idea who they are" - it could be close friends, and I KNEW who they were, but.. I couldn't define them. They seemed unreal. I thought it was afterglow-effects from the psychadelics, but since its been a couple of months now, I realize that something is wrong.

I have lost my connection with reality, and suffer from depersonalization and derealization. When I look into my mirror I can see that it is me intellectually, but I can't comprehend it. It could aswell be a stranger. When I look as my hand as I am typing this, I can't really feel that they are mine. I feel like some kind of floating observer, that just happens to have a pair of hands in front of me at this point. Warm, cold, soft, rough is just words. I feel these things, but I can't define them anymore. I've actually even touched solid objects just to ensure that they in fact ARE solid.

My guess is that my sudden leap from sober to frequent user of psychadelics became too much from my brain, and that I have drug induced DP/DR, HPPD. I have an addictive personality from my fathers side of the family, and I have Panic Disorder on my mothers side (my sister struggles with it). I've read alot about that having alot of thoughts about existence and reality could worsen DP/DR, and that is what I live for. All this in combination have left me here, writing this introduction about my condition.

I feel really bad. Afraid to never be able to live a normal life again. That I will have to resort to SSRI or other pills to function and that all my dreams were shattered for good. But today I discovered this forum and the thread called "The Holy Grail of Curing DP/DR" and decided to beat this. I thought that it was impossible to treat or even manage. That i was done for, I fucked up big time and just had to suffer the consequences for the rest of my life. I know that theres alot of people here who got DP/DR for different reasons, that some didn't fuck up and got here through traumatic experiences and deep depressions. It makes me feel worse, since I brought this all on myself. It makes me feel ashamed. But I'm gonna get through this, and I joined this community to learn more, share my story and take part of other peoples stories. Get help and help others.

Lets all beat this and do everything we can to live our lives to the fullest.


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## terdferguson (Mar 5, 2014)

neat-o


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## Jautumn24 (Mar 2, 2014)

Thank you for posting this! I know exactly how you feel. I too recently just found this site and it re assures me I am not going insane. I have suffered with dp for 3 years or more I can't even remember feeling real anymore. Just recently it has gotten much worse and is interfering with my life. Some days I can't even leave the house, let alone my room. Don't let that scare you though! When I read people have had it for years and still have it I feel doomed but I know there is hope for everyone.

My advice is, eat well, be sober completely, find a good support system, find something that reminds you you are real.

I wear earrings and when I put them on I say to myself I am real, I am here. Then later in the day I freak out and try to look at my earrings and remember when I put them on that I said I am real I am here. Doesn't always work but just try to find something to symbolize you are here and alive.

I don't have a lot of answers for you since I myself am trying to work through this but if you have any questions or just need to talk about it you can always message me. I find almost everyone on here is very helpful and supportive.

Good luck to you!


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