# i no longer suffer with feelings of "dp/dr"



## fieldsmatt31 (Dec 16, 2009)

i know i would have appreciated reading something like this. my intentions of joining this forum are to possibly help point someone in the right direction (if there were such a thing), bring relief, and hopefully help someone resolve their suffering.

i quit college and my job so that i could resolve my suffering. ive been fortunate enough to meet really helpful people who taught me a lot to help me along the way. i've posted a few topics, the more i explain the better i become at explaining what im trying to get out. but this is going to be my attempt to explain my escape from suffering.

first of all, i dont really like using the word "depersonalization". actually, i hate the word, but i will use it for simplicity. its helpful when communicating with each others simply because it makes communicating about it easier, but i feel like i became consumed by the label. i was telling everyone and myself that i had "depersonalization disorder", which only made me feel like i had some kind of brain damage and ultimately made me feel more helpless. eventually i started realizing things like "i feel alienated from myself right now" or "i experience severe feelings of estrangement right now", and "i wish i felt more well right now". i dont know, just changing how i thought about it made me feel more real and more hopeful that the feelings i had would last as long i allowed them to. i dont even like referring to myself as "recovered". same concept, another label. at first when i began to feel more well i would consider myself "recovered" and that would make me feel like it was something i had to maintain, which would instantly put me back into the vicious cycle of trying to create images and interpretations of myself to produce more satisfying feelings in order to feel safe. sorry if what i say sounds a little foreign. just trying to give you clues without typing a complete essay.

any who, the last few weeks have been wonderful. i feel really excited about life and the opportunity to continue surrendering all my "mental habits" that cause the feelings of "depersonalization". from time to time i get a little anxiety but i quickly realize what im doing to cause the anxiety and it leaves as quickly as it came. more and more i catch myself forgetting about the suffering that i went through. its hard for me to even remember what it actually felt like feeling "depersonalized". coming out of it was like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back and sometimes 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but as i became more aware of those "mental conflict" (the cause of suffering) i became more capable of resolving the suffering. it became easier and easier. now it seems quite simple.

so what it actually feels like. i feel very thankful for everything, even the "depersonalization" experience. i feel completely present. i am me and thats it,,,i am...nothing to think about, nothing to worry about. i can surrender myself to the natural form of life, very liberating. my chest doesnt feel tight anymore. i feel like life is flowing through every inch of my body. i actually feel my body, there is a constant sensation of life and being, almost a tingling sensation of peace and bliss. it feels very comfortable. i feel very present with myself and the outside world. i feel that i am at one with my body, that i am one. i feel a presence and i realize it is "me". my eyes feel really relaxed and open like i cant get enough of whats going on. my eyes even feel kind of sleepy but i am completely awake, its kind of a relaxing feeling. there is a feeling of love in my heart, and i simply allow it to flow. i have a very close "spiritual partner", when i talk to her i have butterfly's in my heart, something i havnt been able to experience in, what seems like, forever. when i talk to people, i feel like i genuinely care for them, that i cant get enough of being with them. but sometimes i get a little nervous because i was afraid for so long and i get a little afraid of being afraid. but i can eventually allow that to stop. and each day becomes easier and more fun to connect with people. and i can actually enjoy conversation now. i can make things right with my family again, they actually enjoy my company. i continue to surrender the consideration of other peoples interpretation of me (after all, what the hell does it matter? i am me no matter what i or anyone else thinks). i look in the mirror and it makes since. today i felt overwhelmed by the concept of life. it almost seems like love and fear are the only 2 emotions. and ive only experienced a small amount of fear in the last few weeks. i feel peace and i feel like i am peace. my mind is still and i can think and communicate more well. music seems more powerful and i feel more creative. i feel like i am waking up, more awakened i guess. most importantly i feel free.

as for the outside world. its actually not what i expected. i expected things to light up and seem vibrant, like being in new york on cocaine..lol. everything just seems normal, like its supposed to, less scary. however the outside world does seem more real and beautiful, or maybe its just that i feel more present with it. hard to explain that one. it doesnt seem strange like it used to but at the same time it seems like its all the same stuff, im just more present allowing me to appreciate its presence and beauty. oh, and the night sky is magnificent like it was as a child growing up. as im typing this things appear pretty. i guess i hadnt really allowed my self to fully appreciate the beauty.

oh and i dont need as much sleep as i used to. i have lots of energy and feel outgoing and almost like a kid. and thats weird because for so long i felt like an old man. i get this overwhelming satisfaction and contentment of feeling the inside of my body. and im excited to be able to start my life again.

im only posting this mainly because i read a post. someone mentioned that they wanted to hear what its like for someone to feel well after suffering from "depersonalization" and "derealization". i really hope i can at least bring some relief to someone. it seems to me that i can help, i mean, i had help, i read good books, and it just seems that someone would be able to use some of the things that i learned.

i do feel like i have to say one last thing...i dont think that its a good idea for someone to form an image in their mind of what they would like to experience or what they think they should experience if they felt more well and try to manifest that image or imitate what they think they should be in order to have the ideal experience. first of all the image is only a thought, it is not reality. reality is not a thought. reality is now, look within to see what is going on right now, what are the conflicts?. forming an image like this will only cause suffering and feelings of "depersonalization". when you try to become an image or you direct emotional attention toward your thoughts or a satisfying interpretation of reality, any situation, or any self image of who you want to be,,you are actually ignoring reality, the feelings that you do have (repression),, and that will result in a depletion of emotional awareness. also, when you get a good feeling from a thought you have to have more thought to maintain that feeling. you can get lost in that cycle. create more thoughts, more illusive feelings and become "depersonalized".


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## fieldsmatt31 (Dec 16, 2009)

and something else too...i realize that there will be set backs because there has been. i think thats just part of a process. part of coming out of it. but i feel more equipped to resolve those conflicts. and that is just what ill have to do.


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## LeaveThisForum (Jan 13, 2010)

Probably the best post I have ever read on this board. THIS IS WHAT THIS FORUM NEEDS!

Thankyou for sharing.


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## fieldsmatt31 (Dec 16, 2009)

oh your welcome. just hope everyone can realize they are by no means doomed. peace is there, we just have to learn to allow it to be. everything we need to become well is already there, it has been from the day we were born. and everything we need to be in order to experience peace, we already are. we are who we are no matter what we or anyone thinks of us.


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## needshelpasap (Jan 3, 2011)

fieldsmatt31 said:


> oh your welcome. just hope everyone can realize they are by no means doomed. peace is there, we just have to learn to allow it to be. everything we need to become well is already there, it has been from the day we were born. and everything we need to be in order to experience peace, we already are. we are who we are no matter what we or anyone thinks of us.


bless ur heart!


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Gosh, what a wonderful read!

Thank you, thank you so much!


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## Strangerdanger (Oct 3, 2010)

that is so great i'm happy for you and I hope to be there someday soon what books were most helpful for you?


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## whatthehell (Jul 27, 2010)

I dig this post for a few reasons. Its not heavy with "HEREs how i did it" its kind of like a meditation on how you came through without thinking too much about it. I have this feeling like recovering shouldnt be the focus of each day, sort of like you said. Labeling keeps us stuck because we are always comparing each moment to this idealized notion of recovered, and it will always be off, because its not reality. Anyway, awesome post. Its hard to admit, but sometimes I think this whole experience was important, as hard and strange and scary as it is/was. I think this post makes me want to just forget about these forums though....because I no longer want to surf the web finding some miracle cures. Its another thing which I think perpetuates anxiety and all the dr dp.

Once again, awesome post


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## BlackParasol (Nov 25, 2010)

Thank you very much for this post. It really helps to remind me not to think so much about everything, and it gives me hope that someday I'll be better, too.

Thank you.


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## seanneedshelp (Nov 9, 2009)

Nice work!!







.... I'm so happy for you. I have also recovered completely from this horrific and debilitating disorder. From reading your post it sounds to me like you've read The Power of Now... am I right?


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## seanneedshelp (Nov 9, 2009)

fieldsmatt31 said:


> and something else too...i realize that there will be set backs because there has been. i think thats just part of a process. part of coming out of it. but i feel more equipped to resolve those conflicts. and that is just what ill have to do.


Yup!... I had SO MANY setbacks (whoever is reading this and is still experiencing DP/DR please don't feel discouraged.)... But with each setback you have more knowledge and strength... and when you finally emerge out of the dark abyss for good... you literally feel like you are the most emotionally strong person in the world. Setbacks are a pain in the ass, but you always have to remember that no matter how far down you are... you always come back up... and knowing that really helps shorten the length of the setback.


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## Guest (Jan 11, 2011)

The OP is a year old. And I remember reading it last year when it was posted. I couldn't really relate to it all the much. But now having read it again I can really dig it. It's given me a lot of hope and insight. Thanks!


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