# Severe Depersonalization After Death of Friend



## Cosmic Lotus (Nov 19, 2011)

Hello Everyone!

It is currently 5:03am. I have been having pretty much constant DP episodes for the past three days or so. However, let me give you a little bit of a background on what has happened to me within the past month or so, almost a month exactly, actually. On the 22nd of October, I had a close friend die from suicide. I'm not sure why she did it, no one really is, but she decided to lie down on some train tracks, and it severed her in half from her waist down, and she lost an arm. That same day, a close friend's mother died suddenly from lung failure/collapse. On this particular day, before I heard about any of this, mind you, (I had been self-medicating for anxiety with Marijuana since Feb.) I took a hit of some weed and I had been focusing on something I was doing in MS Paint, suddenly I grinned very widely, couldn't really feel my body, and I tunnel visioned. I managed to rouse myself before I blacked out and clung to my brother for an incredibly long time. He reassured me that I was just incredibly high and that's all there was to it, even after I asked him repeatedly if the weed was laced. He had been sharing it with me and didn't experience the same symptoms as me (that lasted for about 5-6 hours). It was like my short term memory was completely screwed. I would be in one room talking to someone, and then go into another room and forget what happened previously. So, while I'm lying on my bed trying to feel okay, I get the news that my friend's mother is not going to make it. (She had been in the hospital since the night before in the ICU). I recall telling my cousin that I was very, very sorry to hear that it happened, and that I loved her.

Within the next five minutes I was browsing Facebook and at the top of the 'Recent Stories Thread' was, "If anyone knows Alma Leal, please call me at this number asap." The girl who had posted the status was a long time friend of mine (her younger sister is my best friend in the entire world). So I called my cousin into my room (I was still very high/feeling depersonalized) and I asked her, "Am I imaging this?? Is this real??" And my cousin called our friend, and sure enough, Alma was dead.

Initially, I cried/felt terrible. I eventually came down from my high after feeling horrible for just not feeling 100% there when all of this had been happening. Going to two funerals in the same week was also quite...not so good. However, for my friend's mother's services, they had a nice gathering of people. Lots of food, very kind folks, tight-knit family. My friend's mother was to be cremated later in the week, so...it was quite nice as far as these things go.

My friend's services, however, were a different story entirely. As you read previously, she died a fairly violent death. Why she had an open-casket, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. While she looked fine...she didn't look fine. Of course she didn't, she was dead. I couldn't get her dead face out of my mind for a solid week/two weeks after that happened. I had never seen a dead person before, and it very deeply disturbed me. It got to the point where it was hard for me not to look at pictures of people because I would just see her face, and after her services, we went to (my best friend the one I mentioned previously) best friend's house. They had a bonfire, everyone was drinking, and passing pictures of Alma around, and yelling her name into the night. It got to the point where my anxiety had just been peaking terribly, and all of my memories of my friend where she had once been alive and healthy had been replaced with her dead self. Eventually, this dulled itself and passed for the most part. That's not to say that I'm not still deeply shaken by the entire thing, because I am; it has been incredibly hard for me.

So, after a while I finally went to see my therapist (scheduling conflicts abound) and I started feeling anxious, which then transcended into feeling depersonalized. My therapist then decided to try a guided meditation/relaxation technique to see if ti would help. I went into a very deep, vivid meditation, but I came out of it feeling even worse, even though she tried to help by bringing me 'back to myself' with a metaphorical 'elevator ride'. It didn't really help, and I'm still not quite certain how I managed to get down the stairs. My memory was foggy, nothing felt real, and I felt incredibly alone. I was hypersensitive to noise (wind through the trees) for a short while. I'm not sure how or when I felt back to myself, but it lasted a good, great while...Until three days ago.

I started having a panic attack, and all of a sudden my body felt so incredibly strange. I thought something was wrong with my brain, like I was going to have a stroke, a seizure, or just die. Ever since then I have had this looming depersonalization that has been making even the easiest of tasks incredibly hard. Including making food, or even being on the computer for extended periods of time. (You could imagine how difficult writing this to all of you is).

My first, _first_ experience with anxiety and DP was after my open-heart surgery in 2008. I went to the ER, and they did a CT scan, and eventually an MRI. (I have a mild form of Cerebral Palsy) and they found that I have Non-Pressure Hydrocephalus. One neurologist was quite insistent that my dizzyness depersonalization (NOTE: never tell a DR you are 'disoriented' without being fully sure you are using the term correctly) was due to this fluid on my brain. I was scheduled to have an operation for a shunt (to direct the cerebral-spinal-fluid (CSF) somewhere else into my body where it could be absorbed. However, my wonderful mother decided to get a second opinion. This second neurologist said that Non-Pressure Hydrocephalus was common in people with CP such as myself, and I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

I have recently been taking xanax 0.5mgs whenever I have an episode. It calms down my anxiety, but it's an occasional hit or miss, I suppose. I've also been on effexor xr 37.5 bumped up to 75mgs. I still have DP episodes and anxiety. It feels like a never-ending vicious circle. I also now have burning sensations on my hands/head/feet which makes me even more anxious, and various body pains.

The DP is constant, except for when I'm sleeping, of course. I also have lots of muscle tension. I really don't know what to do. As you could imagine I'm scared to death of doctors due to what I've been through, and my therapist just suggested medication. I had to drop my college classes and get incompletes because I have just not been able to go out and do things. Even crossing the street to my sister's house is a chore without having a severe anxiety/DP episode.

I'm sorry this is so long. It took me a long time to write. I just wanted to get everything out onto the table. Please give me some advice. My family is worried about me (even though they don't show it).

CosmicLotus


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## Depersonal Eyes (Oct 10, 2011)

Hey,

I had a constant DP for 4 1/2 years, it was unrelenting, confusing, and very lonely. I can only imagine how you must feel after losing your friends so suddenly. Death also played a role in my DP as well. You said yoo had a panic attack too, which left you with sort of a lnigering depersonalization. I had a panic attack about a year after mine started, I think from all the stress of having to hide my disorder.

It's good that you are being so open about your feelings. Bottling them up will just cause you to close off and DP more. I understand how you have to be extremely careful about the words you use around doctors. Anything that may hint to being "crazy," is taken very seriously, even though our reality testing remains intact. It's hard to find a doctor who can put themselves in our shoes. I did guided imagery and meditation as well, they helped me relax, but never pulled me out of DP.

I keep a blog on my DP struggles, if you would like to read. It is very honest. I talk about everything I went and still am going through, things like OCD, doctors, medicine, triggers, psych hospitals, reuniting with friends, telling others about DP, poetry, etc. It might help to see another person's experiences and judge what did / didn't work for them. The site is www.depersonaleyes.blogspot.com

I hope you can find peace! Just let yourself feel, don't expect to pop back right away. You need to be non judgemental about the weird feelings, dwelling on them just makes them more prevalent. Thanks for sharing, and I know you can get better!!

Carolyn


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

That was a lot, I'll reply more when I'm on a computer. If you want to stay away from docs, I'd suggest mindfulness, but I imagine you could use something a little more immediate…I'll see what coping skills I've racked up might help, I'll post them monday. I haven't lost anyone that close, not in that way.... So I guess I won't say much about that, except sorry and I do know what unbearable loss feels like, hang in there ( yeah I hate that phrase too)


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