# My life Is Ruined



## Arniodins

Hello, my name is Arni, I'm 17 and I live in Iceland.
I have depersonalization disorder and it's so tough being alone here.

I first started noticing my DP about 9 months ago and been trying to fight with it since.
First, everyone thought it was just depression but the thing is I don't feel sad.. or glad.. or much of anything.
I know I feel sad but I can't really feel it, and everything has been a blur, nothing seems real,
it doesn't feel like I'm living my life, like something else is controlling me,
I can't sleep, and I'm always confused, scared & forgetful and no-one seems to get me,
and I realize that they can't exactly know what I'm going through but it's really hard.

I have just finished a year in high school, but I'm not going next semester, because being in school
and dealing with this is too much, I have been alienating my friends recently and I don't seem to feel it, 
I just notice it.

I get a lot of support from my parents, my school counselor and most everyone I know, except my friends, they really don´t understand.
I have a therapist in the child hospital who's alright, but nobody wants to diagnose me with DP because 
there are only a few cases reported (hey, we're only a half a million people), 
and we don't have an Icelandic word for DP so it's very hard to explain to everybody.

I have alot of memory loss and most of my memories I have, I really don´t feel like they are real.
People worry that maybe I'd attempt suicide, but I don't have the emotion for it, it's like i don't care.
I can't deal with girls because I'm so emotionally confused, I told a girl that was only a kiss away from being my girlfriend
about this and she said she understands, but she hasn't been the same around me.









But here's my story and I'm glad I'm not alone.

Thank you for reading









I'd really appreciate some advice


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## MrSpock2

Welcome to the forum. 
First thing I'd like to say is, you're life is not ruined. You're only seventeen, you have many years ahead of you. Another thing is that you don't have to be afraid of DP, it can't hurt you. What caused your DP? Are you an anxious person? Did you smoke pot? I suggest, since you aren't going to school, to make sure you have things to keep you busy. The more distracted you are, the less DP'd you ought to be, and over time (lots of time) it'll get much better. Eat healthy and exercise, make sure you get out of the house as well. Socializing is very important and helpful. Do things slowly and gradually, pretend you're in a river walking against the current: If you take small steps you'll get there in time, but if you take big steps then the river will push you back. Don't get discouraged by relapses and never give up.
Good luck


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## deep thinker

Arniodins said:


> Hello, my name is Arni, I'm 17 and I live in Iceland.
> I have depersonalization disorder and it's so tough being alone here.
> 
> I first started noticing my DP about 9 months ago and been trying to fight with it since.
> First, everyone thought it was just depression but the thing is I don't feel sad.. or glad.. or much of anything.
> I know I feel sad but I can't really feel it, and everything has been a blur, nothing seems real,
> it doesn't feel like I'm living my life, like something else is controlling me,
> I can't sleep, and I'm always confused, scared & forgetful and no-one seems to get me,
> and I realize that they can't exactly know what I'm going through but it's really hard.
> 
> I have just finished a year in high school, but I'm not going next semester, because being in school
> and dealing with this is too much, I have been alienating my friends recently and I don't seem to feel it,
> I just notice it.
> 
> I get a lot of support from my parents, my school counselor and most everyone I know, except my friends, they really don´t understand.
> I have a therapist in the child hospital who's alright, but nobody wants to diagnose me with DP because
> there are only a few cases reported (hey, we're only a half a million people),
> and we don't have an Icelandic word for DP so it's very hard to explain to everybody.
> 
> I have alot of memory loss and most of my memories I have, I really don´t feel like they are real.
> People worry that maybe I'd attempt suicide, but I don't have the emotion for it, it's like i don't care.
> I can't deal with girls because I'm so emotionally confused, I told a girl that was only a kiss away from being my girlfriend
> about this and she said she understands, but she hasn't been the same around me.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But here's my story and I'm glad I'm not alone.
> 
> Thank you for reading
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'd really appreciate some advice


Hi Arni,

I know exactly what you're going through. It's a VERY lonely feeling when no one understands what you are going through. It is a very hard thing to explain. I've tried to explain it to at least 5 doctors and they didn't understand either. I guess that's why they call it the "neglected" disorder. Anyway, have you had any problems with anxiety in the past? Been physically or mentally abused? Or been under extreme stress? Those are usually the main factors for getting DP/DR. I've had anxiety problems for the past 15 years and my Mom was verbally abusive towards me when I was young. I believe that's what caused my DP/DR.
I share with you many of the symptoms you described. Especially the "memory" issue along with the "not feeling real" and the "feel as though I'm not living my life". Very disturbing, I know. And the reason you feel like you have no emotions is because your brain's defense mechanism has kicked in to protect you from anymore stress...ironic, isn't it? 
My advice to you (and myself)is to live life one day at time, meaning don't think about how you're going to deal with this and go to school at the same time when that day hasn't come yet. Focus on your recovery a day at a time. Let the future be where it is. It seems you have a good support system so you have that going for you. Also, find some hobbies that interest you. Anything to keep you distracted from worrying about the way you feel. Make sure you eat right and take some vitamin supplements. Vitamin B-complex is probably best,IMO. Concerning your friends and your girlfriend, They don't need to know exactly how you feel. Just tell them you're going through a tough time right now and that they need to be patient with you. You need to take care of you 1st.

And remember, you are NOT crazy. And you're not an inferior person for having this disorder. Your life is not ruined. It just hit a bump in the road is all.

Take Care.


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## Arniodins

Thank you guys for these replies
you dont know how happy i'm am that I dont have to deal with this alone
cause I dont know anyone else who has this symptom.

But yeah, the reasons why my DP started?

When I was about 9 years old, I lost my little brother who was only 5 months old,
As I got older, i had a near-death experience from falling down a huge cliff,
And last year I lost one of my closest friends (meningitis) which really changed my life
and just last summer I got in a bad car crash, that's where I had my first DP attack (after the crash, of course).
Since I was little my dad was always a bad drinker and most weekends, he made me and my mum cry, but he has stopped now.
And on top of it all, I smoke pot. (I have no idea if that's what caused it)
These are only the most important reasons of why I could have DP.

It's been a rough life for me, and I'm only seventeen,
after all this i always wished reality wasn't real, but not like this.

It's like with DP, it's really hard to experience something,
how do you guys deal with it?


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