# I think so lowly of myself and can't rely on myself. Ideas?



## Guest (Nov 15, 2012)

I feel like I'm on the road to recovery, but there are some things still going on with me that signify I have a way to go yet - not necessarily DP related. I am getting thoughts practically every day that are like, "I obviously will never feel comfortable in and with myself again.", "I feel like a stranger that I can't rely on.", "What's the point in living if I don't feel comfortable being me?" And "I will never be able to work, be a mother, become responsible, have any self respect, be an adult".
DP, I can actually say now, isn't really there any more. If I get it, it goes away pretty quickly. In the end, I think it's these thoughts that cause a whole host of issues. Do you think they are depressive? I'm starting to think that I might be depressed. These thoughts are not a conscious effort, they are intrusive, but I think they do come from some kind of deep-seated belief in me. I swear if I was thrown out onto the street I would have more respect for myself than I do now because I would be having to fend for myself. Even just living alone. But I'm married. I can't do that. However, just thinking about the thought of living alone, even though it is my biggest fear, actually makes me feel relief, like I have touched on the problem that needs to be addressed. My husband is overly helpful, and although he is amazing, I feel like him being this way is robbing me of my individuality. I feel like a pet, almost. He does stuff for me and now I am so used to it, my self-reliant instincts have gone and it is suddenly really scary to do anything at all without him in the picture. But how on earth can I sort this dilemma out if we are married? I love him and I don't want to leave him. I am young and yes we have had our ups and downs, but I do believe he is the guy for me.
Anyway. I know my relationship with him is unhealthy. Do you think it contributes to my thoughts above? The inkling that I have is that if I depended on me more, I wouldn't feel like my very existence needed to be questioned... I wouldn't feel like I was nothing but someone's pet. I've told him in the past that sometimes he feels like a parent, and there go the unhealthy relationship alarm bells ringing again.

Ugh. How to fix this?


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## seafoamwinter (Oct 12, 2012)

Maybe you're not used to having less dp so you still have your old mindset and beliefs... its just theyre starting to feel,out of place now


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## seafoamwinter (Oct 12, 2012)

Maybe you're not used to having less dp so you still have your old mindset and beliefs... its just theyre starting to feel,out of place now


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## GroupHug (Jul 6, 2012)

Well, first off - your DP is practically gone? That's huge! Congrats, I'm totally jealous. Second, if you're not depressed, at the very least you obviously have self-image problems, which can change over time if you do CBT...I don't think any reply to this thread will fix years of negative self-talk. It just takes time to learn how to think in a healthy way and work on things we aren't the best at, it's very gradual, but if you really work on it you WILL get over those thoughts that have become ingrained in your mind. If you wallow in anxiety and self-pity nothing will change. I'm sorry, I wish I had something more to say about this. It's a process, no one can give you an "ah-ha" epiphany that will make you stop being so negative about yourself in a few paragraphs.

The issue with your husband - again, you're not going to find much help about that here. Don't just talk to your husband and tell him he feels like a parent to you, tell him in what ways you'd like to be more independent. Tell him he can't keep coddling you. Tell him you need to do things on your own. Declare it in a definitive way. If he loves you and really wants you to grow as a person, he'll understand and will continue to support you, but in a different way. You need to let him know that you won't let him enable you anymore, and you need to tell him not to let you lean on him for things an adult woman should be able to do on her own. Talk to him, tell him what needs to be done and then do those things. Start slowly - but most importantly, START.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Start off with small independant things and gradually move up....Sometimes we just have to jump and take a chance....Above all dont be afraid to communicate with your husband...Tell him how things are for you....You may be pleasantly surprised with the response!


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## Guest (Nov 15, 2012)

Thanks guys for the responses <3 Yeah, my DP is basically gone. I feel real and grounded even with this hanging over my head. I know GH that you know about the panic attack and sleeping issues I had that brought DP on badly, but thankfully before and after that it was/is hardly there. But there seems to be some transference going on... Issues within me are manifesting themselves as DP and panic one minute, and depressive feelings the next.
I completely agree with and appreciate both of your replies! I did tell my husband how I feel, showed him this post, and basically said it needed to stop. I told him I simply wasn't letting him do anything for me unless its something that I can't do at the moment with my agoraphobia e.g. grocery shopping. Eventually I hope to get to the stage in my progress with that where I can do the shopping alone too.
At this stage, after doing a few things for myself/us this morning, I almost feel guilty for trying to be my own person. I feel like I'm pushing him away when really I should feel like I'm giving myself the space that I have needed for a long time.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

You shouldnt feel guilty...That probably just makes you anxious and worry more...Your just trying to be a little more independent...Nothing wrong with that at all....Im thinking that youve basically come to a point where you feel your basically useless and as a result your self esteem is really low....Take things slowly...baby steps...trying to change too much at once will just cause chaos....EASY DOES IT!


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## Guest (Nov 15, 2012)

eddy1886 said:


> baby steps...trying to change too much at once will just cause chaos....EASY DOES IT!


God I know that too well! Ty


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

get a divorce. start a new life. maybe later when you are in your self, you can reconsider being with someone else.


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## Guest (Nov 15, 2012)

Abraxas said:


> get a divorce. start a new life. maybe later when you are in your self, you can reconsider being with someone else.


That seems a bit drastic







I love him. I went into our relationship with a healthy state of mind, it was a few months after a breakup from an idiot I was going out with for 11 months and I felt amazing when I ended it with him. I just kind of "broke" 1 year into being with my husband, but I don't blame him for it. He had cheated on me by that point but I was also going through some terrible issues with my family, so he became someone I relied on.

To be honest I do sometimes feel like life would be better if I wasn't married. I find that awful to admit though because my husband is a wonderful guy who got over his cheating issues for me and he loves me a lot. Other times, I just feel like working with what I have (a marriage) even though it seems harder.


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## Guest (Nov 16, 2012)

Vortimi said:


> Maybe he acts that way because he loves you and he thinks that you need that. It's very hard to change dynamic of relationship after that long time. But if he will not accept that new terms of your relationship, you really should not be with him anymore. No one should treat grown up person like a child, you are an adult and it is your right to be treated like one.


He does accept it, the change is just a little difficult for him but that's understandable. He is not giving into his drive to do things for me. If anything I am the one struggling now xD but yeah, we are totally screwed up and I want to fix us! He does too, but I can tell it's going to be a long journey.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

Delicate said:


> That seems a bit drastic
> 
> 
> 
> ...


well , getting a divorce does not mean you dont love him. It means that you are prioritizing your own mental/spiritual/personal health (if it is the case you feel you would grow better and heal faster if you were on your own) over that specific relationship. Once you recover there is nothing that prevents you from re-establishing a marriage-like relationship with him, anyways. In my opinion when you marry being an adolescent, you still have a lot of personality building to do. You could do it as a couple but if you find its not working that way, then maybe you should reconsider your situation.
The only way people can get hurt is if there is a lack of communication. If you know the why's, then be honest with him and most importantly with yourself, and nobody will get hurt. You and he can be mature about it, if you came to the decision that you d be better off on your own.
I know it sounds harsh but in life you make bonds and then you release them, sometimes a person that initially gives support ends up being some "addiction" and for fear of letting go one does not progress as an individual. You must know that in the end we all stand alone, you re always with your self.
In my view, and this is personal, relationships are "good" when both individuals involved in it are nurtured by it, that is, their personal and spiritual growth is nurtured by the inter-action with that other being. When this ceases to be the case, and one of the individuals becomes hindered in its growth (not because the other doesnt want him/her to grow, but simply because the process that this person must go through now requires some other kind of energy, or the absence of that same energy that was beneficial at the beginning but now is inhibiting his/her growth).

but well this is very personal.


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