# New here, am I dealing with DPD?



## NoFluxes (Oct 26, 2014)

Hello my name is Christopher, but I like to go by Flux or NoFluxes, anyway I'd like to share a quick story to explain how I ended up here and why I feel I have DPD.

I have always dealt with many illnesses in my life, I used to mainly deal with one called POTS, and I found that the only relief I ever got was from smoking marijuana, eventually I got myself into a situation where I probably smoked laced weed and it caused some damage, at first I had several panic attacks and I ended up in the emergency room a couple times because of it, but after a while it seemed like I was recovering pretty well. It has been 6 months since then but currently I am very depressed, I feel that I can no longer enjoy anything, I barely get pleasure out of life at all, I sometimes feel like I'm floating, for a while I thought this was "brain damage" but neurologists see me and they all say I'm fine on the outside.

So what I'm dealing with obviously is all mental, I feel emotionless usually, and I have a hard time fitting in socially. Even though I know I have control of my body I don't really feel as if I do, as I speak I don't really "feel" the words coming out of my mouth, I feel very light while walking, I just don't really feel connected like I used to before the incident happened... I kept telling myself that I suffered brain damage and that's why I don't physically feel the same way anymore, but after hearing about depersonalization disorder it makes a lot more sense than "brain damage".

The feeling kind of changes throughout the day, sometimes it feels like I'm floating as I mentioned earlier (as if I can't even feel my head anymore) and then other times like right now I can feel my head again but it still doesn't feel right, it's like a partial feeling. Besides feeling disconnected from my body and emotionless, I've been in a bad depressed state since this all started, I try to enjoy things that I used to but I no longer can, I used to enjoy simple things such as playing guitar or video games and now I get little to no enjoyment. I don't know if me being clnically depressed is related but it all started around the same time. It's like I have to remind myself that I'm still physically a part of this world even though I don't feel like I am.

I have been focusing more on the depression because I feel it is more important, I feel that I can cope with the disconnected feeling if I weren't miserable and able to enjoy things again. I was put on cymbalta 60mg because I got to the point I was having suicidal thoughts, but it didn't help any of my symptoms after giving it 6 weeks. I did have a placebo effect the first few days of taking it however but it faded in one night. No form of happiness has shown since then besides sometimes a laugh here and there.

I don't feel human anymore, some days I feel miserably sad and have the suicidal thoughts, and some days I feel emotionally numb, it's possible I'm bipolar as well, I plan on seeing a psychiatrist on November 7th but it has been hell for me. I've tried countless supplements as well such as fish oil, st john's wort, valerian, multivitamins, Sam-e, 5-htp, and countless others but nothing really seems to help the depression, however I physicially feel slightly more connected as I mentioned earlier sometimes throughout the day, but still I don't feel "normal".

I don't know if I've been suffering of depersonalization disorder the entire time since the laced weed incident but it makes a lot of sense, I eventually quit smoking weed completely after I realized all it does is make me paranoid at this point. I've been at rock bottom for a few months, my depression wasn't always this severe, I thought I was recovering but eventually it just started to worsen on its own. I truely believe that this isn't a lost cause and a combination of medications can possibly restore me to a normal state again.


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## NoFluxes (Oct 26, 2014)

Cihan said:


> I'm assuming you know exactly why DP/DR happens ?
> 
> Generally trauma from an early age, or even a traumatic experience while on drugs.
> 
> ...


You're right, it could very well be depersonalization causing me to be emotionally numb, I assumed it was depression all a long... I don't remember specifically when it happened, but I was definetely dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress, I kept continuing to smoke to deal with it, for some reason the high would mask the depersonalization symptoms for a few days, but eventually it stopped helping, I started to feel disconnected and emotionless. When I had the placebo effect with SNRI meds I felt more like myself that night, I'd say 50% there, but I felt happy again and things were enjoyable to me. The effect just eventually faded though it was very odd.

EIther way I now realize I don't have "brain damage" and if I'm lucky I don't even have major depression, I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week for sure and I'll mention DP but I don't know if he'll know of it, I hope so. I'm up for trying more medications, but I know it's not something a pill can cure, but I'm sure there are some that will help me get back on track.


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