# yea so check this out



## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i'm hangin with this girl. i mean she's cool and nice and i tried telling her about what i have, but not until like the other day, of course she didn't understand, but i know the real me would like her but i just can't feel much of anything. she's also 16 and i'm 21, 5 year difference, but tonight we made out and to tell you the truth i didn't feel anything. like not even physically, i'm like disconnected to every body part, there's no feeling i hate it so much, i just want to feel. i know most of you guys can feel their bodies and body sensations and i can't and i hate this, this could get in the way of any type of relationship that i may have with her. i'm not sure if she likes me. how do i get out of this hell seriously, why can't i be normal and have a gf and feel love and connect to people. i don't get it.


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## MSM (Jul 12, 2006)

first off dude...im may just be me but try to get someone at LEAST above 18. 16 year old? thats wrong in my opinion, but thats just me. Maybe goinging for someone around your age?


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

livinginhell333 said:


> how do i get out of this hell seriously, why can't i be normal and have a gf and feel love and connect to people. i don't get it.


Why get out when you appear to prefer it to anything else offered to you?


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## felimz (Jul 4, 2006)

Statutory rape should _not_ be felt with any of your senses, regardless of how restricted they are by your depersonalization.

But, just know we have all felt like that at one point. It can be frustrating.

Good luck with the gal. Hope she's legal where you're from.


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Sojourner said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > how do i get out of this hell seriously, why can't i be normal and have a gf and feel love and connect to people. i don't get it.
> ...


Sojourner: I completely understand where that reply comes from, but can you really say someone prefers hell?


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

We prefer what we _know _over the unknown inner feelings that we are repressing.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i'm not repressing any feelings. i have tried to connect to the world and i have tried to connect to my body but it hasn't happened.


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

Im in total agreement with Sojourner here. You may not know it consciously, it is an unconscious payoff you get. Think about what benefits you get from staying the way you are at the moment, and I mean really think about it. If you say there isn't one, then in my eyes you are blatantly lying.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

We are all repressing our feelings, not just everyone who has dp but everybody I have ever met, its a subconscious process and unfortuntely its a natural part of life and of ego formation. You cant confront your feelings simply by looking in the mirror and saying I have got problems but I love and accept myself.


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

I think what livinginhell333 is going through is the opposite of wanting to stay that way. Unfortunately, I think he gets frustrated and scared that he's not completely well, and that makes him anxious, and continues the DP. I think it's a very simple mechanism, and something that I went through. It did not stop for me until I stopped worrying about how I felt or if I'm going to be this way for a long time or anything else about it. Now I rarely get it.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Lunar Lander,

Of course we all agree that no one _wants_ to feel this way, but when push comes to shove, we stubbornly refuse to even put our big toe into something that we haven't got secure _control_ over, no matter how horrible it is.

Pablo's right: Everyone has repressed feelings and everyone has defenses. The difference is when the defenses _work _for them. That is, they are constructive and help them deal with and enjoy life.

What's the difference between Sir Anthony Hopkins and Charles Manson? Both are defending against unwanted inner feelings, but only one of them does it in a way that _works_ for him instead of against him.

So, it's not like having this inner awfulness is abnormal -- hell, no, it's the lot of humanity. It's what we do with it that counts. And if we can't do anything constructive without help and we turn down help, then we are really preferring our misery.


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## walkingdead (Jan 28, 2006)

Living, I really do not think what you and I suffer from is depersonalization. If it is it is not the same thing as the others her. I can tell by the responses you get to your posts. I can totally relate to everything you say. If we could control this, why in fucks sake would we not do so. It is some kind of brain damage or something. Do not let the posts of people saying it is your fault get to you, even if it could. I do not know the answer, but blaming ourselves is not it. But I think we have something so rare and extreme that it is just unexplainable at the present time, if ever. Good luck.


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

If you're 21 don't mess with 16 year old girls.........you can spend time in jail and I'm sure your DP will get even worse.....


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

walkingdead said:


> Living, I really do not think what you and I suffer from is depersonalization. If it is it is not the same thing as the others her. I can tell by the responses you get to your posts. I can totally relate to everything you say. If we could control this, why in flower* sake would we not do so. It is some kind of brain damage or something. Do not let the posts of people saying it is your fault get to you, even if it could. I do not know the answer, but blaming ourselves is not it. But I think we have something so rare and extreme that it is just unexplainable at the present time, if ever. Good luck.


And if you're wrong, telling someone this sort of thing will invariably make it continue or worsen.

People do have habits which are harmful to themselves sometimes, such as worrying about DP or making irrational negative assumptions. I had them in dealing with my DP and was able to get past them, but it took time. I had the same bad habits in dealing with insomnia before as well. Any cognitive-behavioral therapist has seen these sorts of cycles time and time again with anxiety and depression.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

my doctor said i was a puzzle or a mystery i agree. there's nothing physically wrong with me. i've done tests, and a lot of times i don't think its depersonalization but i just feel dead almost all of the time and not i never feel anything, happy joy excitement, anger, mad, nothing. thats not right. i'm like frozen or stuck in time or something.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i don't know me and walking dead have different cases of dp if it even is that, i've talked to doctors, they don't know what to do. they don't know what its like, i'm lost and confused and tired of all this. i want to control of my mind body and life again but i can't. all i can do is go out hang out with friends and try to be normal. thats it. wut else can i do and work and maybe try to go to school, will i feel anything? idk i never do. i don't have regular body sensations, i never feel tired i never feel mad or happy, all i know is that i have tried to connect to my body parts again but i can't, and i'm afraid it;ll never be the same again. someone can only do so much and try to much. i been to doctor after doctor takiing a number of meds and they have done nothing and i am just tired. what kind of life is that if i don't even feel like i am living it. u know thats not cool. i want to feel and be part of my life, i want to feel like its freaking me typing this and i don't want to feel like a robot or zombie anymore, i;ve tried to change it but it doesn't change really. my body and mind are just stuck in a numb state.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i don't know me and walking dead have different cases of dp if it even is that, i've talked to doctors, they don't know what to do. they don't know what its like, i'm lost and confused and tired of all this. i want to control of my mind body and life again but i can't. all i can do is go out hang out with friends and try to be normal. thats it. wut else can i do and work and maybe try to go to school, will i feel anything? idk i never do. i don't have regular body sensations, i never feel tired i never feel mad or happy, all i know is that i have tried to connect to my body parts again but i can't, and i'm afraid it;ll never be the same again. someone can only do so much and try to much. i been to doctor after doctor takiing a number of meds and they have done nothing and i am just tired. what kind of life is that if i don't even feel like i am living it. u know thats not cool. i want to feel and be part of my life, i want to feel like its freaking me typing this and i don't want to feel like a robot or zombie anymore, i;ve tried to change it but it doesn't change really. my body and mind are just stuck in a numb state.


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

We've all felt that way here. People - am I right? I felt like that most of the day for a few months, and the only reason I felt better sometimes was the benefit of knowing from people here that if you do enough to keep your mind off of it it starts going away. One of the first places I went here was the recovery stories, and they all seemed to say the same thing: get on with things and don't worry about it. And there's been times where I've been trying to distract myself and at the same time been worrying about if it's working...that's pretty much the same thing as sitting around worrying about it. I have never gotten better sitting around questioning why I feel this way and why it has to happen to me and what my life is due to it. Never. If anyone else has, I'd like to hear about it because I don't think there are any people who have. And I've almost always gotten worse doing those sorts of things.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i don't know me and walking dead have different cases of dp if it even is that, i've talked to doctors, they don't know what to do. they don't know what its like, i'm lost and confused and tired of all this. i want to control of my mind body and life again but i can't. all i can do is go out hang out with friends and try to be normal. thats it. wut else can i do and work and maybe try to go to school, will i feel anything? idk i never do. i don't have regular body sensations, i never feel tired i never feel mad or happy, all i know is that i have tried to connect to my body parts again but i can't, and i'm afraid it;ll never be the same again. someone can only do so much and try to much. i been to doctor after doctor takiing a number of meds and they have done nothing and i am just tired. what kind of life is that if i don't even feel like i am living it. u know thats not cool. i want to feel and be part of my life, i want to feel like its freaking me typing this and i don't want to feel like a robot or zombie anymore, i;ve tried to change it but it doesn't change really. my body and mind are just stuck in a numb state.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i don't know me and walking dead have different cases of dp if it even is that, i've talked to doctors, they don't know what to do. they don't know what its like, i'm lost and confused and tired of all this. i want to control of my mind body and life again but i can't. all i can do is go out hang out with friends and try to be normal. thats it. wut else can i do and work and maybe try to go to school, will i feel anything? idk i never do. i don't have regular body sensations, i never feel tired i never feel mad or happy, all i know is that i have tried to connect to my body parts again but i can't, and i'm afraid it;ll never be the same again. someone can only do so much and try to much. i been to doctor after doctor takiing a number of meds and they have done nothing and i am just tired. what kind of life is that if i don't even feel like i am living it. u know thats not cool. i want to feel and be part of my life, i want to feel like its freaking me typing this and i don't want to feel like a robot or zombie anymore, i;ve tried to change it but it doesn't change really. my body and mind are just stuck in a numb state.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i'm just so lonely, even if i have friends or hang out with girls i'm lonely. i'm lonely no matter where i go, cuz i feel like i have lost myself. its so hard where everywhere u turn there's nothing there, just pain.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

I went to many doctors, had many tests and went to so many alternative practitioners I cant even count them on both hands, I was convinced I was doing all I could to get better spending thousands of pounds on treatments, but one thing I wouldn't do was find a therapist, create a human bond and talk about my deepest feelings insecurities and fears, why, because I was scared pure and simple I was scared. I wasnt aware at the time I was scared, I couldnt feel it in my body but looking back I realise that all the tests and doctors were an excuse to not confront that which was most difficult and challenging to my ego and self concept.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

livinginhell333 said:


> i'm just so lonely, even if i have friends or hang out with girls i'm lonely. i'm lonely no matter where i go, cuz i feel like i have lost myself. its so hard where everywhere u turn there's nothing there, just pain.


Living, your problem is this and you cannot continue to pretend that everybody in the universe doesn't suffer the same thing at one point or another in their lives:

*
You hate yourself.*

Deal with it. Every single person in the universe who ever lived and ever will live has to deal with this.

It's your turn.

Nobody is going to make you feel better.

You hate yourself so thoroughly that you would endure being numb in order escape recognizing that fact.

So what are you going to do? Are you going to do what Mipmunk did? Remember her?

There is just so much a help forum can do.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

Oh my. What did Mipmunk do then?


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

extreme self hatred.....what a killer.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

She came night after night with the same complaint, just like living. Over and over, whine, whine, whine, no effort to try to help herself, no real conversation with others, just whine, whine, "poor me", wanting something here and driving people nuts. Asking over and over whe she was going to feel like "her."

I don't think I was the only person to lose my patience and to confront her. She went away - I hope to find help. I certainly don't feel guilty, because it was the best thing for her. It was obvious that coming here wasn't doing her a lick of good.

Clearly, this place is the worst thing for people like Mipmunk and livinginhell. I think ultimately, this extended-in-time approach of compassion and understanding is not good for them because it reinforces their destructive behavior and attitudes. They are using us; they have no intention of getting better and they should at some point be dealt with firmly.

I am losing my ability to feel sorry for those who CHOOSE VOLUNTARILY to do nothing but whine and haven't the honesty to admit that they are doing exactly what I accuse them of.


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

Actually to tell you the truth, i dont think this forum is good for any of us...including myself. All it really does is focus on the negative and re-affirm it. Notice that the majority of those recovered are hardly or not even on here.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

what are u talkin about you act like i haven't done anything to help myself, i've done lots, i don't go to this forum as much as i used to but sometimes there is nowhere else to go. i'm not home every day i go out more and do more things, what else can i do? try the psychotherapy, i'f i am going to do that the doctor has to be good and know about depersonalization and dissociation or else it won't help much. just being realistic, not negative there's a line between realistic and negative.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

Sojourner, I thought you were going to tell us Mipmunk ended up killing herself. Glad that didnt happen.

I understand your passion. I myself don't like to be used either and I can see if you put that much energy in someone, you end up feeling (being) used and have to say enough is enough (for your own mental wellbeing).

I must say you saying to Living he hates himself really hit home. I agree that when 'unthawing' I encounter feelings of selfhate I never thought I had. Although you were very harsh in your post, your message I think is very clear and I understand where you are coming from.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

*Livinginhell wrote*


> try the psychotherapy, i'f i am going to do that the doctor has to be good and know about depersonalization and dissociation or else it won't help much. just being


But have you given psychotherapy a serious try? Just wondering (havent read all your posts here). And it doesn't have to be PSYCHOANALITICAL...goddamn you Sojourner..LOL  , but just one on one therapy (depth therapy or even CBT or Traumatherapy).


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

livinginhell333 said:


> what are u talkin about you act like i haven't done anything to help myself, i've done lots, i don't go to this forum as much as i used to but sometimes there is nowhere else to go. i'm not home every day i go out more and do more things, what else can i do? try the psychotherapy, i'f i am going to do that the doctor has to be good and know about depersonalization and dissociation or else it won't help much. just being realistic, not negative there's a line between realistic and negative.


If you go in with that attitude, it's no wonder nothing ever good happens.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

seriously though who would want to go to a doctor that doesn't know much about this. its a waste of money, thats not negative thinking you want someone that knows and can relate or help you. if ur doin so good why are u on this forum, i know if i felt normal i wouldn't really come here.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

livinginhell333 said:


> seriously though who would want to go to a doctor that doesn't know much about this. its a waste of money, thats not negative thinking you want someone that knows and can relate or help you. if ur doin so good why are u on this forum, i know if i felt normal i wouldn't really come here.


But Livinginhell, have you tried phoning around in your area and asked psychotherapists what they know of Depersonalization and dissociation and the like and that you suffer from it and if they could help etc? Have you taken ACTION or do you already (think you) KNOW what the outcome will be so you end up doing nothing? I think that is the question.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Billie said:


> *Livinginhell wrote*
> 
> 
> > try the psychotherapy, i'f i am going to do that the doctor has to be good and know about depersonalization and dissociation or else it won't help much. just being
> ...


I'm with you, Billie, don't worry. One-on-one is fine, but if it's CBT, they're going to want you to change your thoughts and they will NOT want to deal with depth psychology and inner issues.

And yes, I am intentionally being "harsh." Sometimes one has to be a "parent" here instead of a friend.

I've been on my way out for a while now, so maybe the time is really coming.....

Soj


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

yes i have asked a few and intend on calling more most don't know much about dp.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

livinginhell333 said:


> yes i have asked a few and intend on calling more most don't know much about dp.


Why not just go and talk instead of putting labels on everything? You don't have DP, anyway. Apathy and lack of affect is not the same as DP.


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

====


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2006)

double post


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i'm pretty sure i have dp, the reason i am on this board is dp/dr. and apathy and everything else all stems from the dp/dr. if i just had apathy and lack of affect and emotion it would be easier than this thats for sure.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Billie said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > yes i have asked a few and intend on calling more most don't know much about dp.
> ...


i want the therapist to know enough about it that he or she has found succesful ways in dealing with it. i don't want them to just or i've heard about it or i know what it is, i want them to know exactly what it is , all the symptoms, i want them to have had patients with severe dp/dr that they have talked to, i don't want them to offer the same thing as other doctors i have been to. i also don't want them to be all for the money.


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

livinghell, all dp really is, is severe unresolved deep rooted emotional issues. 
Thats it. So find a therapist who is good at helping their clients/patients to resolve their emotional problems.... Who cares about the DP, its only a label mate.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i don't have deep emotional problems. i was always loved as kid people cared about me, i prolly wen't through things regular people or a lot of people go through how come they don't have dp, they can still connect to the world. everyone has emotional problems, but not everyone has dp. this all was triggered by a very bad drug trip which lead to fear and weird symptoms that didn't go away, which led to panic attacks, then i thought i was dead literally, like dead i asked the nurse in the hospital if i was dead or going to die, it was that bad, i was so gone, and scared and didn't know what the heck was happening, but after the fear wen't away i was left feeling out of body and not connected to my mind or emotions or regular feelings. i was left feeling numb. now i feel as if i am left without a body or much of a mind.


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

livinghell you seem like a good guy. I feel you need to start to take some responsibility for the way you are feeling and your life in general. Everone has unresolved emotional issues....everyone!!!!

Sounds like you are suffering from shock to tell you the truth


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

jeremy said:


> livinghell you seem like a good guy. I feel you need to start to take some responsibility for the way you are feeling and your life in general. Everone has unresolved emotional issues....everyone!!!!


yea i know that everyone has but not everyone has been through the same thing i have been through. i seriously hope it would help though. i've been to therapists and they were nice and all, but not much help.


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

Well all i can say is good luck in your endevours. Im sure you have been given lots of advice about what to do, you just gotta follow your intuition on what to do.

After reading this thread, ive decided im outa this forum permanently.

Ciao


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i just want someone that can get me to feel again. to feel normal to feel alive to feel something. i've been longing to feel something for quite some time now. i want to be back in my body and in reality.


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

Sojourner said:


> I'm with you, Billie, don't worry. One-on-one is fine, but if it's CBT, they're going to want you to change your thoughts and they will NOT want to deal with depth psychology and inner issues.


I'm not really convinced this is a really deep problem for livinginhell333. He had a bad drug experience, got dp'd sometime after that, and it got worse and worse. I really don't think this is anything more than continuing and worsening anxiety about whether or not he's well.


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

livinginhell333 said:


> i just want someone that can get me to feel again. to feel normal to feel alive to feel something. i've been longing to feel something for quite some time now. i want to be back in my body and in reality.


What do you think about my idea that your worrying about feeling better right now or whether or not you'll ever feel better might be keeping your DP going? Do you think that that's something that would make you anxious enough to have DP?


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

Sojourner said:


> Why not just go and talk instead of putting labels on everything? You don't have DP, anyway. Apathy and lack of affect is not the same as DP.


While I generally agree with your proactive stance, I do not feel it's necessary or productive to be this harsh or presumptuous. If you were someone who knew him personally and could respond to the subtle give-and-take of real-life interaction with discretion, perhaps you could be somewhat confrontative with a friend, but I don't think it's appropriate to either definately pin down his condition to a deep psychological conflict nor make such strong judgements about him over the Internet.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Lunar Lander said:


> Sojourner said:
> 
> 
> > I'm with you, Billie, don't worry. One-on-one is fine, but if it's CBT, they're going to want you to change your thoughts and they will NOT want to deal with depth psychology and inner issues.
> ...


But why do people take drugs to begin with? You know the answer: because they have unresolved emotional conflicts and seek to feel better.

And what you say about his suffering anxiety now, yes, I agree, but that anxiety has the identical causation as his initial use of drugs.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Lunar Lander said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > i just want someone that can get me to feel again. to feel normal to feel alive to feel something. i've been longing to feel something for quite some time now. i want to be back in my body and in reality.
> ...


probably i go through days not thinking about it at all, its always there but if i'm busy its a little better, then there are days where i feel so helpless and lost, i don't know if worrying makes me anxious. probably does but i can't tell because its hard to feel anything. i just know this doesn't feel right.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sojourner said:


> Lunar Lander said:
> 
> 
> > Sojourner said:
> ...


dude i wasn't a drug addict, i just smoked a couple of times. it was for fun the first like 3 times, then it all wen't wrong the 4th time.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

And how long ago was that, living?

And do you EVER feel okay now?

Do you ever have alcohol now?


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

What a full-on post. So many different aspects and perspectives.

Firstly living...I can relate to the numbness you feel (or don't feel). I didn't have it to such a degree as yourself, or for anywhere near as long but it is truly a strange thing to experience. I could still feel pain but it was very dulled. I could have taken a huge bite out of my arm and it would not have hurt. Also the total lack of emotions I experienced...I'm not sure why walkingdead would say you don't have dp or that your symptoms are different to others here. The severity may differ but doesn't seem that far different.

You have answered your own questions regarding all of this...you just can't see it yet. Regardless of how it all began (drugs or otherwise), your anxieties and fears are keeping you this way...despite the fact that you may not "feel" anxious or fearful of anything in your current state. You are. There is an emotional payoff for you staying this way, whether you recognise it or not. For me it was that I felt nothing could hurt me anymore. I felt that in that state I couldn't be hurt (mainly by my own self-loathing). I liked it even though I hated it.



> i just want someone that can get me to feel again. to feel normal to feel alive to feel something.


There is your problem...that is why no doctor or psych will be able to help you. Because you have not yet realised that YOU are the only one who has the key to bring you out of this. You said yourself that all the tests have proven there is nothing wrong physically, therefore your sensory disturbances are psychosomatic. I have recovered and you can too...but you have to realise that there is no fix for this...no special potion, no magic word that some specialist can give you that will restore you to normal. ONLY YOU ALONE. You have created this and you can break it but you have to realise what your reasons are and eliminate some of your anxieties. Stop looking for that doctor who knows everything there is to know about dp because that isn't the way out...everyones experiences are far too unique.

Mine was not caused by drugs, a bad childhood (I have led a charmed existence), or anyone else other than myself. I have recovered (finally I can say that with confidence) and so can you. Believe it...and get yourself out of this obsessive loop you are caught in.

You are not incurable...you are not beyond help. You just haven't found your escape route from this black hole yet. Stop looking for an expert to save you...you are the expert. Noone else knows more about you than you do.

All the best living...take care of yourself.


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

livinginhell...

Have you been to an amusement park since having DP?

I was going to suggest you try skydiving, but wasn't sure if that was a good thing to recommend....

I'm not saying it will make the DP go away, but maybe you'd feel something.

I'm still confused about this though. You say you don't feel ANYTHING?
Not even fear? You do say you feel pain....

So then what you mean to say is you can't feel anything good?

I can't really feel anything good either. I mean there's times I smile or laugh but it's still in this DP fog.... so I'm not really IN the happiness it's like... I just recognize it. Oh nevermind I can never explain myself.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sojourner said:


> And how long ago was that, living?
> 
> And do you EVER feel okay now?
> 
> Do you ever have alcohol now?


that was a good year and a half ago, maybe more. i don't know what happened that night really. everything is a blur and everything is hazy now. i never feel like i did before the pot incident and before being scared out of my mind with the panic attack stuff i got a month after the bad drug trip, i have alcohol on occasion, but i don't notice that i feel better if i drink, its like i can't even feel it if i am drunk, i can't tell, so i don't drink really.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

peacedove said:


> livinginhell...
> 
> Have you been to an amusement park since having DP?
> 
> ...


no no fear, i don't really feel pain either maybe a little sometimes, but like if someone punches me or pinches me it won't hurt. i wen't t an amusement park the other day. it was weird cuz even tho i wen't on the rollercoasters i couldn't really feel the adrenaline and excitement and i got disappointed, cuz i really use to love the rush from rollercoasters. i'm not they weren't fun at all, but it was just totally different, i can't even enjoy rollercoasters anymore like i used to. i wasn' t even scared one bit. yea and normal things that scare people don't scare me ever. even watching really scary movies, its like totally blocked as well as every other good emotion or even bad emotion or feeling.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

peacedove said:


> livinginhell...
> 
> Have you been to an amusement park since having DP?
> 
> ...


no no fear, i don't really feel pain either maybe a little sometimes, but like if someone punches me or pinches me it won't hurt. i wen't t an amusement park the other day. it was weird cuz even tho i wen't on the rollercoasters i couldn't really feel the adrenaline and excitement and i got disappointed, cuz i really use to love the rush from rollercoasters. i'm not they weren't fun at all, but it was just totally different, i can't even enjoy rollercoasters anymore like i used to. i wasn' t even scared one bit. yea and normal things that scare people don't scare me ever. even watching really scary movies, its like totally blocked as well as every other good emotion or even bad emotion or feeling.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

its weird how this thread turned from being about a girl and into this. have any of you guys been afraid to have girlfriends because of dp? not just for the emotional and mental parts of the relationship but all the physical parts too.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Are you taking any medications now?


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sojourner said:


> Are you taking any medications now?


yea medications that a naturopath gave me, some like vitamins minerals and natural herb. i'm trying that bach flower remedy, cuz it was inexpensive, don't notice anything with that, and this med called isocort to raise my cortisol levels because they were found to be extremely low.


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## Universal (May 30, 2005)

I think you guys are being a little too harsh here. just let the man speak what he's feeling or not feeling, you don't have to label him as doing nothing, he's in a tough situation in his life. we have to start having more uplifting conversations i must admit. but in his case he seems like he's hopeless. we have to give hope.

living i understand your situation but like others have said you need to start doing more stuff to try and help yourself. like getting on with life and trying to cope with the symptoms. i know thank god i still have bodily sensation, but i think that i still have feelings because thougths lead to feelings and if you have thought it proves that you must have some feeling, right?


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

Billie said:


> But Livinginhell, have you tried phoning around in your area and asked psychotherapists what they know of Depersonalization and dissociation and the like and that you suffer from it and if they could help etc? Have you taken ACTION or do you already (think you) KNOW what the outcome will be so you end up doing nothing? I think that is the question.


Very good point. You know... I haven't really researched this illness much either. When I was little I would look through books trying to find a name to "my problem". Finally I found the name.... but now that I've found it why am I not searching for a specialist?

Well at first I didn't have the money.... but I do now. Why have I bought Janine's books and Dr. Simeon's book, but have not read them?

And to be honest.... I really don't spend much time in the Recovery section of this site. Or what is it called.... I think though it might be cuz I'm sick of let-downs. Getting my hopes up just to have them crushed. Like the Lamictal. (didn't work for me obviously)

I see a psychiatrist and therapist that I keep trying to get to understand DP... so it's not like I'm not trying at all.

I go through hell... and I want nothing more than to get out and I believe livinginhell wants the same.

So maybe it is a subconscious thing... well I always kinda thought it was.

Trauma.... but how will I ever know if I blocked it out. How will I know, if I suddenly "remember"... how will I know if it's true and not false memories...


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

livinginhell333 said:


> probably i go through days not thinking about it at all, its always there but if i'm busy its a little better, then there are days where i feel so helpless and lost, i don't know if worrying makes me anxious. probably does but i can't tell because its hard to feel anything. i just know this doesn't feel right.


That's good to hear that there's something you can do to feel somewhat better, right? You'll have bad days, yeah. I still do. I got dp'd a week and a half ago. But when I get it now, I just think "this'll go away when I go to work tomorrow" or at least "this won't last forever, I've seen that before". And it starts getting less and less because I've had so many times I've gotten rid of it that it doesn't phase me to get it; I know it'll go away. It didn't go away overnight and a lot of times it was only little improvement. But now I spend more time feeling good than bad.

And can you kinda see what you're doing? You talk about the times you feel better and go right back to thinking they're no indication that you'll get better because you start focusing on not feeling better. And thinking about not feeling better will make you feel bad right away. It's like remembering something painful or anticipating something dreadful - just imagining it makes you feel awful. Same thing works in reverse - if you take the times you went and made yourself feel better and let them give you courage that there are things you can do, you'll feel a little better right away with that confidence. You won't have complete confidence in yourself right away, but it builds as you prove to yourself more and more that there are things you can do to get better. It helped me to write them down - a little list of the times I felt better and how I got there. You'll have the proof right there in a list. Put it in your wallet if you need to (mine was in my PDA). Sure you'll feel awful sometimes. When that happens I just remember that that happened before and I got out of it, and start feeling better already. I'm not even afraid of it when I get it anymore, and that goes hand in hand with not letting it last for long.

The more you do it, the easier it gets.

I would, however, reccomend you see a therapist who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety. They'll give you some homework to do kind-of like the stuff I just suggested, some concrete things for you to do to start showing yourself you can cope with this and what things there are you can do. And they'll make sure you're keeping up with it, and answer your questions about what to do. I think you need someone who'll keep you on track and not let you get discouraged and point out those times where your negative thinking really isn't justified. They work kind-of like coaches for your attitude. It's not Pollyanna thinking, it's more like, finding out where you're being unrealistically negative - and it is possible to be so.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

You will know, peacedove, because your body and your mind will both feel alive and well and filled with the joy of returning HOME.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

sojourner r u recovered and if so how did u do it?


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

another thing is that i hate faking and going through the motions of every single little thing. even really simple things like walking or eating can be hard cuz i don't feel like i'm doing it.


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

Sojourner said:


> And what you say about his suffering anxiety now, yes, I agree, but that anxiety has the identical causation as his initial use of drugs.


You don't really know that and there's no way to prove it. That's what I don't like about psychoanalytical psychotherapy. Then if someone starts doubting someone else's deep explanation of why they do everything, they're putting up a "defense mechanism". So there's no way to disprove it either.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Maybe CBT would be better for living than psychoanalytic therapy. He'd have a structure, more or less.

We have an instinct for health and well-being -- if he tries to the degree that many here have, I am confident he will fully recover. It hasn't been that long, really.


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

livinginhell333 said:


> another thing is that i hate faking and going through the motions of every single little thing. even really simple things like walking or eating can be hard cuz i don't feel like i'm doing it.


I understand this, and it bugged me too. But you really are doing it, even if it doesn't feel right. If your personality was really gone, people would have noticed to the point where they'd keep asking you if you're alright. You're probably acting a little different due to being bugged about your situation, but you are still the same person and you're still really doing the same things. It's just anxiety or adrenaline or whatever dulling all your senses, including that sense of familiarity you have with everyone around you and even yourself. Think about the times you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak, and feel groggy and irritable and slow. Or when you're really angry. You feel differently than you normally do, but you're still you. This thing you feel now is pretty strong, but it hasn't taken you over; you'd act way way different if it did. I still get that too, we all do here, but I don't worry about it anymore and next thing you know it starts going away.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

livinginhell333 said:


> sojourner r u recovered and if so how did u do it?


Yes, I recovered. I had anxiety from May 2005 to January 2006. Was on ativan for the acute anxiety. Out of the anxiety came the DP. I kind of think of them as really twin horrors, though. :lol: It's next to impossible to separate them out from one another, for me at least.

I started going to therapy twice a week, not just once a week, in June 2005. I think that's what made the difference. Mind you, I was diagnosed with depression in 1993 and was taking 50 mg of Zoloft since that date and managing to go back to graduate school and get a good career going. But I wasn't really dealing with my REAL emotional issues in my psychotherapy. Somehow, I was avoiding it (so you see, when I preach to you, I am really among the converted myself who knows how easy it is to prefer the devil we know to the devil we don't know).

With the onset of the anxiety and DP, I was so scared and miserable and hopeless that I had really reach bottom, true bottom. Something began to change in me and I was more open to free-association during therapy and somehow, I was allowing my unconcsious "stuff" to come up into the light of day where she and I could talk about it and try to understand it and my feelings about it. I had begun needing to take only a quarter of an mg per day, and was thus weaning myself slowly off the ativan. Thus, on January 29, 2006, I didn't need an ativan at all for the entire day and night and decided it was time to stop it entirely.

I was on 50 mg of Zoloft, but after consulting my psychiatrist, weaned myself off it and I haven't had an antidepressant in about a month.

Oh, today I had awful feelings AFTER therapy (and in therapy, too, but worse when I got home) and felt just terrible, but it passed after I let them out and cried for a while. Sometimes I just get the feelings that are so awful and I don't really know what they are ABOUT, but then in therapy we explore what it might be...

Anyway, over time, I have gotten much better. I have zero anxiety, am taking zero drugs, am able to work (I work at home), and am feeling generally like a person who is really getting to know herself. Sometimes I tell my therapist that "I don't know who I am," and yet I do know who I am, but there's a feeling that makes me a bit scared. The unconscious *is* scary, but so is everything else, right?

I'm still getting better, living, and that's probabliy why I am still here. But I am soooo much better than I was a year ago that it isn't even funny.

I don't know if you believe in God, but another factor in this was that when I was having the panic attacks that were so horrible that I thought I was dying, I could not pray at all and doubted that I even believed in God. But in June of last year, I broke down and just told God how I felt, and you know what He did (I believe, at least, that He did it)? He touched me with His love and told me to continue on trying to heal and to continue trusting Him as best I could. I did that, and He was faithful to me.

So, I really preach "Christ and psychotherapy," but the truth is that Christ alone will lead you to the right healing for YOU. It may be CBT, it may be looking to get involved in some work or school or something you like to do, or it may be in delving into your inner unconscious material.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 8)

P.S. My main issue is (evidently) thinking that the angry feelings I had/have toward my emotionally cold mother are "unacceptable," so I punish myself for having them. This is my therapist's theory, and I don't really see it, but I trust her enough to keep going at it -- because she's been the one with whom I have made so much progress. It's true that my feelings of anger are critical here, but why I have yet to resolve all of them is something I just don't know. I'm still determined to get completely better.

But we never "erase" bad feelings we have repressed; we just accept the fact that they exist and realize that they cannot "hurt" us today if we know what they meant to us at the time we originally had them. I had righteous anger at my unfeeling mother who said proudly to my sisters, "I don't care how she feels." I was enraged and had to muzzle myself for fear of further emotional cruelty, so I fell silent and took my anger out on myself, telling myself I was ugly and deformed. I am not ugly and deformed. I know that now, but sometimes the feelings come back and I am overwhelmed with sorrow and pain and suffering. I want to be rid of these feelings and I believe I can be. I really had a full-fledged delusion going on there where I saw myself as a monster. Delusions can be neurotic and not psychotic, keep in mind. Anyway, I have to INTEGRATE the feelings from childhood, and I haven't yet fully done it, but I am sooooooooooooo much better, living, I cannot begin to tell you how much.


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

livinginhell333 said:


> its weird how this thread turned from being about a girl and into this. have any of you guys been afraid to have girlfriends because of dp? not just for the emotional and mental parts of the relationship but all the physical parts too.


You ask if anyone has been afraid to have gfs. Usually when asking a question on a support forum, you are looking for other people going through the same thing for advice.... Maybe you really are feeling afraid? And you are asking us how we deal with our fear so you can deal with yours better?

Well since you mentioned it, I was trying to get back to the point of your original post.... but I'm having trouble understanding what you are asking. I'm not a guy anyways.... but being a girl, I am afraid cuz I'm already in a relationship.

It's hard to feel sometimes. Sometimes I listen to my voicemail... and I recognize the voices, but I'm like who are these people.... why are they calling me? I listen to them say I love you and I just don't feel the connection.

I feel I'm not compassionate enough to give my bf the support he needs to deal with his problems. I sometimes catch myself thinking... get over it. !!!!! How could I think such a thing when I can't get over a god damn thing. It just seems everything bad he does he has an excuse for... his childhood. And I tell him that doesn't give him the right to treat people like he does.

Sorry if I'm rambling... I have had a few drinks.

But anyways... it's hard to care for someone when you can't care for yourself. There's that saying "You can't love anyone unless you love yourself." I never believed it. Still don't.... but I do believe you can't care for someone properly unless you care for yourself properly. I guess I see love and care as two different things.

Sex. I don't feel it... I mean I don't enjoy it. I think I could go my entire lifetime without it. I don't understand how people need it so much... including my bf. I'm just like what's your problem. Sex isn't love. Hand- holding....cuddling... sometimes I cringe when people touch me. Sometimes I enjoy a hug or kiss. And I have had orgasms... (are they supposed to only last a second?) Ok, this has nothing to do with your question.

Well my recommendation is... stay friends. A lot less chaotic. A lot less worry and stress. And you could get in trouble, by the way, even though there are people married who are like 10yrs or more apart. Why get busted for statuatory rape when you don't even enjoy sex? Even if you don't have sex you could still get in trouble. Be careful.

Ok.... I was gonna say more but I can't think... talk to ya later.


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## widescreened (Jun 22, 2005)

Big, Big post. I think this is going somewhere good at last. Firstly, Id suggest to peacedove not to get wasted on booze so much. Alcohol is a massive depressant.
Second, I d say to younger sufferers of any mental illness, is that it gets easier as you get older. Small consolation, but its the truth. The human spirit eventually gets around these conditions. 
So livinghell, irrespective of pot, trauma whatever caused this thing, youve no choice now except to throw yourself at gettin better. Dont listen to your own excuses not to any more. Dont wait for the magic bullet or the next big book or the ultimate specialist in dp to come along. Dont be afraid of looking for help and failing, this is a huge thing that I eventually got past. i failed many times before I found the right way, and the thought of trying therapies and them not working was a hideous one. So the more things you try, the stronger you will become, not weaker.

There is ample information on this site for getting help. Dont forget how difficult recovery is. Be realistic in small progress and chart your improvement. Enough said, I think longer posts loose their effectiveness.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sojourner said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > sojourner r u recovered and if so how did u do it?
> ...


yea i used to believe in god, its hard to these days. i wen't through panic and anxiety in like 2001 2002 for like a couple months and it was really hard and i just prayed and put all my faith in him and i feel like he helped me somehow. i remember being in church and i felt a presence so strong i had to cry, it was just so strong and after that i was better and then this happended now i don't know what or who to believe in anymore, i want to believe in god but i feel like he has abandoned me and i lose more faith as each day passes.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

Sojourner said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > sojourner r u recovered and if so how did u do it?
> ...


yea i used to believe in god, its hard to these days. i wen't through panic and anxiety in like 2001 2002 for like a couple months and it was really hard and i just prayed and put all my faith in him and i feel like he helped me somehow. i remember being in church and i felt a presence so strong i had to cry, it was just so strong and after that i was better and then this happended now i don't know what or who to believe in anymore, i want to believe in god but i feel like he has abandoned me and i lose more faith as each day passes.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

peacedove said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > its weird how this thread turned from being about a girl and into this. have any of you guys been afraid to have girlfriends because of dp? not just for the emotional and mental parts of the relationship but all the physical parts too.
> ...


no i don't plan on having sex with her, but sometimes things happen that you don't plan, she's too young, i just pretty much want to be friends. can you really get in trouble even if u don' have sex? a lot of my friends are my age and go out with 17 year olds, but some of those 17 year olds are going to be 18 soon, so it won't be jail bait for them in a few months,but they haven't gotten in trouble.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

peacedove said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > its weird how this thread turned from being about a girl and into this. have any of you guys been afraid to have girlfriends because of dp? not just for the emotional and mental parts of the relationship but all the physical parts too.
> ...


no i don't plan on having sex with her, but sometimes things happen that you don't plan, she's too young, i just pretty much want to be friends. can you really get in trouble even if u don' have sex? a lot of my friends are my age and go out with 17 year olds, but some of those 17 year olds are going to be 18 soon, so it won't be jail bait for them in a few months,but they haven't gotten in trouble.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

peacedove said:


> livinginhell333 said:
> 
> 
> > its weird how this thread turned from being about a girl and into this. have any of you guys been afraid to have girlfriends because of dp? not just for the emotional and mental parts of the relationship but all the physical parts too.
> ...


no i don't plan on having sex with her, but sometimes things happen that you don't plan, she's too young, i just pretty much want to be friends. can you really get in trouble even if u don' have sex? a lot of my friends are my age and go out with 17 year olds, but some of those 17 year olds are going to be 18 soon, so it won't be jail bait for them in a few months,but they haven't gotten in trouble.


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## walkingdead (Jan 28, 2006)

Hey living, my dad was 23 when he maried my mom. She was 16. Don't be upset by the posts here. Which I know you cannot be anyway. I do not want a girlfriend, even though before this I had been in a relationship of some kind for 25 plus years. I do not know how I could have a relationship since I cannot feel love or even physically "horny" anymore. I know that you have no motivation, so how does one help himself when he has not got the motivation to do so. I know you have the desire, like me, but desire and motivation, I have discovered are two different things. I guess it is just human nature for some of the repliers to this post to be so harsh and judgemental. Before I got this way and could totally relate to you I might have done the same thing.
Look up "pap syndrome" and "athymhormia" on google. These two similiar conditions are very similiar to what we experience. make sure you check the spelling very carefully on athymhormia. They are cmplete lack of motivation. Before I found out about DP they were the closest thing I could find to my situation, which is very much like yours, with small differences in bodily sensations. I wish I could help you, but just want you to know that I do relate to everything you state and know that you are doing all you can do. Reality says that it just isn't enough yet.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

living wrote:


> yea i used to believe in god, its hard to these days. i wen't through panic and anxiety in like 2001 2002 for like a couple months and it was really hard and i just prayed and put all my faith in him and i feel like he helped me somehow. i remember being in church and i felt a presence so strong i had to cry, it was just so strong and after that i was better and then this happended now i don't know what or who to believe in anymore, i want to believe in god but i feel like he has abandoned me and i lose more faith as each day passes.


I know exactly what you mean, hon, but I've finally concluded that the one who changes is ME, not him. It's happened enough times like you describe that I'm totally convinced now....


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2006)

==


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Not a real big CBT fan. Okay for coping, but I just dont feel like it does anything lasting for patients. I think its much more rational to look at the brain using technology, talk to the person about childhood, where most thought disorders begin (and this can be done with or without a psychoanalyst), and renew our appreciation and relationship with God. CBT is, to me, a quick fix. It makes people who are absolute wrecks "presentable" to the world, but it doesnt seem to work on severe cases, and its priniciples dont heal. They must constantly be reapplied as coping skills. I dont want to knock it, because it isnt a bad strategy - it just isnt as good as it could be.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## snrpro (Jun 16, 2006)

Lunar Lander said:


> We've all felt that way here. People - am I right? I felt like that most of the day for a few months, and the only reason I felt better sometimes was the benefit of knowing from people here that if you do enough to keep your mind off of it it starts going away. One of the first places I went here was the recovery stories, and they all seemed to say the same thing: get on with things and don't worry about it. And there's been times where I've been trying to distract myself and at the same time been worrying about if it's working...that's pretty much the same thing as sitting around worrying about it. I have never gotten better sitting around questioning why I feel this way and why it has to happen to me and what my life is due to it. Never. If anyone else has, I'd like to hear about it because I don't think there are any people who have. And I've almost always gotten worse doing those sorts of things.


To make a point, I don't agree that DP goes away if people live their lives normally. The problem with that is that people are physically trying their hardest to be normal. Someone undiagnosed with DP may lose all of their friends, lose contact with family and never leave the house ect. These people, in alot of cases, don't not do these things because they exclude themselves, they don't do them because they get NO ENJOYMENT from them. In certain cases, a person with DP will stay at home instead of going out on weekends, simply because they find no reason to leave the house, and oftentimes they have no problem with that. The problem is that they realize that their anti-social behavior is not what society considers "normal".


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## walkingdead (Jan 28, 2006)

SNRPRO, you made the best and most inteligent comment on this entire post. 
Right on!


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

snrpro said:


> To make a point, I don't agree that DP goes away if people live their lives normally.


While I can only speak of my own experience, I've noticed the same thing of nearly everyone who's posted a story in the recovery room. It does not happen quickly nor reliably, but I can guarantee getting discouraged will almost definately not work.



> The problem with that is that people are physically trying their hardest to be normal. Someone undiagnosed with DP may lose all of their friends, lose contact with family and never leave the house ect. These people, in alot of cases, don't not do these things because they exclude themselves, they don't do them because they get NO ENJOYMENT from them. In certain cases, a person with DP will stay at home instead of going out on weekends, simply because they find no reason to leave the house, and oftentimes they have no problem with that. The problem is that they realize that their anti-social behavior is not what society considers "normal".


Avoiding things because I don't get enjoyment from them is also another way I've found to definately prolong my DP. You pretty much have to act counterintuitively to recover.


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

Thanks for another great point LunerLander. I believe it may have been you who recently made another good point, that dp people want to be social and know not being social is unhealthy, they just temproarily lack and find it hard to get in touch with the motivation to be social.
My mental state has been realigning for a few minutes at a time lessening my dp, thanks to support groups, getting out and some good posts on this forum. 
I have to say, I now know for a fact that the large majority of my dp was set up from severe emotional neglect in childhood. I started feeling human and real for several minutes earlier tonight, I then went out but my social motivation left me and some angry thoughts got in the way. I had some flashes of memory of disconnecting as a kind of auto response to being both negatively treated and then left alone as a kid. I'm certain that a lengthy situation of this kind set up my dp issues to develop as a teen.
Another frustrating and significant part of it, is that I can and do get into states where I do all kinds of social things. But it's like the experiences most often become empty as soon as they happen, and their is a lack of continuity and reliability with both whatever fleeting feelings are their and the states.

M


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## snrpro (Jun 16, 2006)

> But it's like the experiences most often become empty as soon as they happen, and their is a lack of continuity and reliability with both whatever fleeting feelings are their and the states.


That is definately something that alot of people, like myself, can relate to. In fact, after going out with friends I oftentimes feel worse; that I performed badly, left a bad impression ect. I oftentimes will try to "ditch" my friends, meaning ignoring their calls, invitations ect. Though this comment may sound cruel, I actually feel gladly when I ignore people and have them calling me, and trying to get ahold of me. I guess in a way, this makes me feel not so "worthless", the thought that someone will actually take the time to call and ask what the hell is wrong. Anyone relate?!


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Sure. It's called insecurity and manipulation! :lol:

Do you like that when people do it to you?


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## snrpro (Jun 16, 2006)

No, it makes me feel awful... Which may explain alot.


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## +[ thedeadpoet ]+ (Jul 23, 2006)

Yes indeed I can very much relate, and its because of this overwhelming listlessness I'm encountering. In the space of six weeks I've gone from being enthusiastic about my hobbies and interests to sitting in the house day in day out exercising and avoiding contact with anyone other than my family.

F.uck sake, I cant even write poetry anymore. I havent picked up my guitar in months and my wallet (containing quite a generous amount of money) has been on the floor in my room for the past two weeks, and I've no desire to pick it up.

I want to socialise so much but when I do, I find I can't manifest conversation...my mind is blank, and I usually resort to making excuses such as 'I'm tired, I'm off to get an early night'.

To be honest, I dont have many friends anyway but that has never been an issue with me. I was content with who I was for a very long time. But no more.

I've suffered from anxiety and depression for the past three years anyway, which I'm rather certain is the catalyst.


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## snrpro (Jun 16, 2006)

Im sorry that this has happened to you. It's such an awful feeling when you go out with friends and pretend to act like you give a shi* about their interests, conversations ect. but nothing is enjoyable. I, like you, have used the "im just really tired" excuse more than my share of times. Like it or not, people (by instinct) know when you aren't interested in them.
Then, because of that, they assume that you dont like them OR that you think you are too good for them. Like many other's, this is how I lost my friends. You can mask it up a couple of times, but they'll eventually figure you out. Good luck with your struggle.


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