# Can't take it anymore



## mmdpri (Mar 24, 2018)

I have to kill my self but 
killing yourself is a sin that God never forgives

My mom is suffering because of my suffering 
I can't go out anymore because of my vision 
Possibility of my parents divorce is high and that's all because of me 
My grades are becoming that bad that my father have no hope on me 
He says that I'm a Coward 
My mom is crying and that's all because of me 
There was times that my dad said to me what can I do for you ha!? Go kill yourself 
Some of my symptoms are gone but some of them are worse 
I don't know what to do anymore 
What did I do to deserve this!!?
God always helped me I hope he help me again 
Pray for me please!


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

I will pray for you okay?

This is unfair to live like this, and it sucks how it can't be understood by loved ones.

If they only knew, then they wouldn't call you coward or cry at your apparent failure.

We are the strong ones, we fight every single moment of every singe day for months, years, longer...

I encourage you to hold on and continue to survive.

Many of us here can't work, are home bound.

The ones that do work still suffer but somehow manage, mostly part time jobs.

Myself, I work part time.

There was a time when I was working two full time jobs, but was hallucinating while helping customers.

I have diagnosis of schizophrenia, along with not diagnosed DP/DR, (I relate more with the DP/DR community).

You are definitely not alone in your struggle and feelings of wanting to end this.

I will pray for you and all of us here battling this horrible condition.


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## Johqnnq (Mar 14, 2018)

I dont see that suicide is sin... Or something bad. It is choice. I have many times thinked i need to kill myself because i have been too confused. Messed up. Shocked. Panicky and everyhting and i still am. Every moment im suffering but killing myself is big thing to me. I cant know what happens. And i dont have courage to do it. So i just hang in there. Suffering and suffering. Even in my dream state. I have no escape from this. Im just blind to see anything. And somehow im so messed up that i cannot see anything better. I cant see which is causing me this much discomfort. I feel like im keeping myself here but i cant get out. Like totally trapped in my head. Not understanding anything. These normal things seems to be hard. Life is not near...i think i should be dead already because i see noway out of this hell. Fel like every year now these same things happen. Like a nightmare where i cant get out. I can be still here but my mind is so messed. It is not right.


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## mmdpri (Mar 24, 2018)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> I will pray for you okay?
> 
> This is unfair to live like this, and it sucks how it can't be understood by loved ones.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much man I will pray for you too and all of us

Before DPDR I was an inspiration for everyone ,everyone wanted to be like me 
Everything changed just in 1 second 
I wish I never panicked I wish I never stressed over myself


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## mmdpri (Mar 24, 2018)

Johqnnq said:


> I dont see that suicide is sin... Or something bad. It is choice. I have many times thinked i need to kill myself because i have been too confused. Messed up. Shocked. Panicky and everyhting and i still am. Every moment im suffering but killing myself is big thing to me. I cant know what happens. And i dont have courage to do it. So i just hang in there. Suffering and suffering. Even in my dream state. I have no escape from this. Im just blind to see anything. And somehow im so messed up that i cannot see anything better. I cant see which is causing me this much discomfort. I feel like im keeping myself here but i cant get out. Like totally trapped in my head. Not understanding anything. These normal things seems to be hard. Life is not near...i think i should be dead already because i see noway out of this hell. Fel like every year now these same things happen. Like a nightmare where i cant get out. I can be still here but my mind is so messed. It is not right.


Killing yourself or killing someone else is a sin that you will go straight to hell


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## mmdpri (Mar 24, 2018)

I have peace when I sleep I dream that I have no DPDR in my dreams I think that I have DPDR but I don't 
If I sleep during the day I will have horror dreams but in night my dreams are OK


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## Johqnnq (Mar 14, 2018)

It depends on what you believe. You never know what happens when you die. All human understanding no longer matters as we have learned.
You should enjoy then those moments. You life will get better for sure. Just little by little. If i had even good nights i would be happier. Because everyday is hell and when i go to sleep it is hell and when i wake up it is even more hell..but i need to sleep.. I think it is a way kind of try to escape. Even when i cant.


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## solus (Mar 20, 2018)

Unload your burden here. The shoulders of this community are strong (as another member put it).

I will pray for you!

Your parents can't really conceive of what you're going through. Their reactions are a cry for help. They suffer so much because you're their whole world!



> Everything changed just in 1 second


It was always like that for me too. Literally one second, one thought, a random panic attack and my reality was transformed.



> I can't go out anymore because of my vision


My vision (and hearing) sucks too. It's a miracle that I don't give a shit about it when I should be suicidal! :mrgreen:

I promise you, over the next few weeks or months, it'll go away or you won't care about it.

Don't neglect your studies though. The vision issues and everything else will pass, but messing up academically can have a real lasting effect on your life that will take years of effort to set right.



mmdpri said:


> I have to kill my self but
> killing yourself is a sin that God never forgives
> 
> My mom is suffering because of my suffering
> ...


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## mmdpri (Mar 24, 2018)

Thank you Solus but 
How can I study when studying put hard pressure on my head 
I don't care I can study hard for all of my life if I just get back to normal if I just be exactly before all of this happened

My mom is worried too much about me and I'm just fooling myself and faking it and saying "mom I'm better don't worry "


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## mrt (Dec 10, 2011)

Don't kill yourself there's always hope, things will get better. It sounds like your home life inst helping much, this can be a hard thing to speak to people about. Come here to release your thoughts, we're all in this together and are with you.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Parents can be a massive burden. It's not easy, but you kinda have to re-parent yourself with the constructive and encouraging thinking you may not have had before. It becomes automatic with repetition, like learning to play darts.


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## Amina_x (Nov 22, 2014)

I know things might seem bad, but it only says that things can get better. I do believe Allah grants us each day to be alive, and with the life he grants us is a purpose. It might be hard to see but there is a reason you are here. Your situation might be really messed up but nothing lasts forever on this Earth. I know once you get older, in your future, you will find the right people who will lift you up. There are people out there who will care for you and won't treat you like a failure, or belittle you. It might take some search to find these people but when you do don't be afraid to turn to them.

Also, if you are thinking about ending your life, and you want the symptoms to go away, please see someone who can help you and by that I mean a doctor or mental health professional. Sometimes it feels like nothing will help but even them doing something simple like explaining why you feel this way might help. There is a lot of things they can do such as provide someone you can be open with about anything and everything (legally they can't share any information unless you or someone else is in danger), they can educate you on mental illness so you can understand your symptoms better which may help you notice them before they get bad, they can teach you and inform you of coping skills (such as hobbies, breathing exercising, mindfulness), they can help you in how to resolve issues with others and in general how to go about relationships, they can help you learn how to manage anger, anxiety, and panic attacks. A psychiatrist can prescribe medication (medication has alleviated my DP/DR), educating you and monitoring your symptoms.

Also, for you, since you are thinking about ending your life a mental health professional can make sure you are safe. If they tell you you need to be hospitalized, go. It might not be ideal but it will help you in the long run.

If you have a plan for suicide sit back for a moment and really think about how valuable life is. How great it is that we are alive. It's a beautiful thing!

Your life is valuable and WE WANT YOU HERE! You are worth so much and you will succeed. Even if it takes you longer, you will get there.

Don't let what other people are doing stop you from doing what you got to do to be where you want to be. The things your Dad is saying like "ha! go kill yourself" is evil. Don't let him steal from you. Don't let him take away the precious thing you have, and that is life. I begged for forgiveness and to let me survive despite taking 100 sleeping pills. (Yes, I counted) For some reason at 100 I just sort of got into a shock like, "Really? This is going to be the end of my story?" I started to see the value of my life. I started to see my loved ones go on in life and have fun times, and I wouldn't be there with them. Alhumdililah, I survived because I realized that even though I was suffering, I would be happy again. I went to the emergancy room and Alhumdililah they gave me medication to counter act the pills and I made it through.

You need to take yourself to that place where you think about your loved ones living without you. Where you realize how much you are worth, how much you can contribute to this world.

Again, this pain and complicated situations won't last forever and there will be one day you will look back and see how far you have come.

Believe me, there will be better times.

I will pray for you.

Peace be upon you.


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