# Thoughts of being disturbed\scared about being alive



## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

As time passes, the moment that was once the present becomes part of the past; and part of the future, in turn, becomes the new present. The past and future do not exist and are only concepts used to describe the real, isolated, and changing present.

My mind is in a constant agonising mental block, trying to make sense of this continual change in events and time.

This all started with a simple movement of my hand, which my mind then questioned.. where did that movement go? It has instantly disappeared in to the 'past' but where has it gone?

This is being applied to every single moment of my day to day life - constantly. It's like my mind cannot grasp the concept of this continual change is what is 'present'. There is no way to answer this. This is life, yet my mind is no longer satisfied with this simple answer. I'm stuck in this paradox of being alive having to live with this.

I can no longer let my mind go to my memory or think of 'past' events as I just cannot make sense of it. The same applies to future. I cannot think of the 'future' because it is no longer simple - my mind cannot make sense of it

It causes a feeling of constant insanity and sometimes becomes so intense. I have lived the past six weeks having to block out every part of my mind as there is no escape from this - this is reality. How do I escape reality? Or how can I cope with how I now perceive life? It is such a drastic change\state of mind that it has completely consumed my life and is now a constant state of mind.

I know that this is irreversible. It's like a realisation that I just can't make sense of, rather than a thought process. I feel trapped inside my own body and there is nothing I can do. I feel 'stuck' with having to be alive because I cannot make sense of what I'm feeling and I don't actually like the concept of being 'alive'. My mind cannot escape from itself, nor cannot I simply think of something else. This whole concept\ realization has detached me from reality and I cannot remember what life was like before this.

Half of my brain\mind is running on autopilot with the way it has known life to be for 34 years but in parallel to that, the other part is trying to battle against itself. It's as if the other half wants\needs time and life to just stop - to stop this never ending constant change of what is 'present'. It's like trying to stop an oncoming moving train with your bare hands. I cannot explain the mental pain of this. It sounds crazy but it is very real for me and affecting my whole life.

I feel like life as I knew it has gone and I can't 'un see' this whole new concept of life
Any 'normal' part of life has now become irrelevant - children, partner, family, work, eating, drinking, sleeping. Everything is a constant reminder of what 'life' now is to me - just one continual change that my mind cannot accept. I don't logically see the point of anything and what is going on.

I need help to at least cope with this or rid me of the constant feeling of insanity. The anxiety, feeling of panic, feeling trapped with being alive is at the surface of my mind and body constantly and has been for 6 weeks now. It is mental torture as my mind is in a conflict with itself. One half is living how it has been all my life, the other wants everything to just stop as it can't make sense of being alive

It's become a physical feeling in my mind and I feel as though I'm being forced against my will to live. I'm human and have no choice but to be alive. How have I come to dislike the whole concept of being alive and this constant change has become so complex that I'm constantly trying to mentally fight it. I feel as though I'm becoming more and more detached from reality (whatever that is)

When my children (or anyone) talk to me for example I'm not focused on what they are saying but rather I'm wondering where the constant movements of their mouths are disappearing to. I cannot explain the mental agony of this - my mind trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle constantly.

I need someone to understand what I'm trying to describe here.. Life and everything about it has become so strange and alien to me. I don't feel like I understand the whole concept of time anymore.. what is a second, minute, day, week or month? These are just words to describe fragments of future. It's so difficult to imagine any part of the future - it's like future has become a false term to me. When I try and think of it, I just have some kind of mental block that is almost painful. It's like I've forgotten to think in the same way that I used to.

I'm scared of who I've become and it feels like part of my mind has been damaged with this. I'm not even sure if I want help anymore.

For example sometimes I will stand up and look at the seat I was just in. I find it so hard to accept that I am no longer sat there.

Even though I should want to feel 'normal' again, it's what 'normal' is that makes me feel this way. I feel like I just don't like life and existing. Also I feel like I've forgotten how to be the person I was. It seems too naive to not live this way. Now that I've been exposed to what is truly reality.


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## Skate82 (Feb 6, 2016)

Sweet Carl, all I can say is I am sitting here crying reading your post because what you have described is what I've been going through word. for. word. My mind cannot wrap the concept of time around its head and so I sit here and think "I just took a drink of water, that's now in the past. Soon I'll walk downstairs, that's the future." And I scare myself absolutely shitless by these thoughts.

I have been in and out of his obsessive thought pattern since January and it has been a nightmare only escapable by sleep.

Here's the good news: I'm doing better. What's my magic cure? You guessed it: more time and challenging the thoughts and letting them go. When you think those thoughts think instead, "ok well, if there wasn't time, how would we exist? Wouldn't we all just be frozen in one place?" Thinking that or simply telling myself there is no such thing as time are the only things that seem to give me the slightest bit of comfort.

You've GOT to do what makes you uncomfortable and guess what, it's gonna suck. You HAVE to get out, live your life and try your absolutely hardest to stay off this site, stop talking about it and immerse yourself in something else. I know you don't want to hear that but it truly is the way out. You WILL be ok. And above all, please know that you have brought me extreme comfort in the fact that I don't feel alone in my thoughts, and neither are you. PM me if you'd like to talk.


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## Allez (Apr 10, 2013)

Sounds like constant mental commentary and monitoring about reality. Just realize there's only now and it should help a little bit. Anything in the past or future is just mental.

Also, realize that the anxiety is the issue, nothing else really. Some part of you probably feels threatened by your observations because it's not the way you want it to be. So the anxiety is making you feel like you're in some danger or something. It sounds like you're fighting with reality (the way things already are), and wanting them to be different. Just accept it for how it is.


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## Luna_ (Dec 2, 2015)

Yes. ive experienced this. to a T. theres many different ways of combatting these thoughts, or observations. I agree with what Carl above me said. Your body has flipped a switch, which automatically sees things as dangerous, and the switch isnt turning off. . and its difficult, yes. but you will figure it out, in due time. Everyone responds, and recuperates differently. You just have to let your mind recover in its own way. Just let it be. dont attatch any thing to these thoughts or observations. just let them wash over you, and feel them. but try to not let it affect you. It takes time. and its very hard, but you CAN get to that point,


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

Wow! Oh my gosh thank you so much for all your replies. I wasn't sure what to expect but I'm really greatful and appriciate the time you guys have given me already.

I cannot explain the mental agony I am in with this. It's like my mind is trying to battle itself - literally. One half is trying to 'live' the same way it has done for 34 years, the other half is almost trying to stop my life - as in stop time because it can't make sense of this continual change of the present. The side that is trying to stop time cannot keep up because time is continual and so is the change of what is present. I think I could manage this mental battle if it wasn't for the agony of it. It's almost a physical feeling and it's now developed in to something and I'm completely scared of what has happened to me.

I'm now getting feelings as though I'm being forced to live. I mean - you don't get a choice. Where you're alive that's it.. you have to be alive. I find it painful to accept that life is like one long episode. From Being born untill you die there is no break.. people see sleeping at day\night as like a break almost but it is not a break from being alive. You are just resting your body and mind. I find this continual 'episode' of what it means to be alive terrifying for some reason. This is the most horrible thing to happen to me. I've become scared of being alive and I just don't like being alive because the logic of it all; the logic that others take for granted, has become scary to me.


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## vanuti vetru (Sep 7, 2015)

Wow Carl, that was simply the best description i've seen of what it's like to feel constantly oppressed by the fact of being alive. And they say existential thoughts won't ever get you if you have a family of which you have to take care of...

Perhaps you should focus on "the why": why a single, simple thought has put you into such agony? Why exactly you feel that distressed about us humans being stuck in linear time? Why exactly does your mind keep seeing it as a trap? There may be some background behind this, even though it's not obvious at the moment.

I think what the anxious part of you actually seeks is not stopping "the flow of things". It seeks peace of mind, a state of being in agreement with one's thought processes. When you find this kind of balance, existential ruminations won't affect you anymore, as they become irrelevant. The balance can be restored by re-identifying yourself with your presence here and restoring the sense of it having a purpose. Now there's something inside yourself that blocks this from happening and you have to discover what it actually is.

Maybe try to look at it this way: it may feel that we're completely imprisoned by the flow of time but that's not the case. There's a deeper, transcendent part to each of us; something that keeps us being ourselves despite physical reality being a constant change. One may call it soul, spirit, eternal "I" but, whatever it actually is, it *is* there as an empirical fact. As it happens, severe anxiety deprives us of being able to feel this kind of transcendence. Our minds are constructed in such a way that whenever a danger is perceived, they switch into a short-term focus mode. A kind of tunnel vision kicks in, making a person concentrate exclusively on current situation and lose the wider context of things. "Fear kills the spirit".

Now, it's only a small theory, but perhaps relevant. The above is a basic survival mechanism but it also happens to affect the way we interpret the world. It makes us pointlessly hyper-vigilant; our mind, at the unconscious level, tries to find the way out of a situation it perceives as dangerous. And because, in case of anxiety disorders, there's objectively *no* dangerous situation to be escaped, reality itself starts to be perceived as such. It may be compared to auto-immune reaction in the body, when defensive actions are triggered against benevolent cells, hormones etc. We start to overanalyze various aspects of life / existence, scanning the fabric of reality for flaws and, again unconsciously, trying to locate the source of danger. This leads to existential questions, doubts and fears, which of course fuel our anxiety even more. We essentially create the enemy for ourselves to "justify" the whole anxiety machinery running full-speed.

Hope it'll get better for you with time.

(BTW, i cannot agree with the way newcomers here are often blindly suggested to stay away from this forum because otherwise it would just worsen their DP. It depends on a person whether being / interacting here will help them or not. Personally, reading about other people's experiences and thoughts, and the mere awareness of not being alone with what i've been going through, has helped me more than anything else before.)


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Brother, you are not alone! That was an excellent description. Wow. I am sorry you are going through this. Sorry any of us are. But there is relief. Nothing in the universe is permanent, including DP/DR. But as described above, there are some things you will need to work on with your thoughts, and with your body. if you get a to a point where you feel it's just not working and you are suffering too much, reach out to a psychiatrist and a therapist. Reach out for help and it will be there. Just like this forum!

Peace and love


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> I've chosen not to give them the time of day anymore & to fight them. Here's one small way that I try to do that: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/52067-psychological-treatment-of-dp/?p=369323


I read your post, I actually take the exact opposite approach dealing with these thoughts which I hardly ever have to deal with anymore. I read this article and I swear by it. It was written by a psychologist, and his approach is to let the thoughts linger, don't fight them, simply don't engage with them at all, and for me they slowly fade away. Those intrusive thoughts used to drive me mad. But what works for one might not, or in your case, work at all. It's interesting how us long termers deal with things, ups and downs and everything in between. You seem like a very intelligent individual. I really enjoy reading your posts. You give me hope.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

vanuti vetru said:


> Perhaps you should focus on "the why": why a single, simple thought has put you into such agony? Why exactly you feel that distressed about us humans being stuck in linear time? Why exactly does your mind keep seeing it as a trap? There may be some background behind this, even though it's not obvious at the moment.
> 
> I think what the anxious part of you actually seeks is not stopping "the flow of things". It seeks peace of mind, a state of being in agreement with one's thought processes. When you find this kind of balance, existential ruminations won't affect you anymore, as they become irrelevant. The balance can be restored by re-identifying yourself with your presence here and restoring the sense of it having a purpose. Now there's something inside yourself that blocks this from happening and you have to discover what it actually is.
> 
> ...


I have been trying to find the reason why a simple thought has put me in such agony. I think it's because I have always been a deep thinker. I have stumbled on to a thought of reality that there is no answer too. I have always been a person who needs to have a full understanding of something. I believe that as there is no answer to this continal change is the reason why I have become this way. It has destroyed my life for over two months.

Even making references to 'time' as in months etc.. causes me such mental agony. Like a mental block as if it cannot make sense of what I'm thinking\saying.

I think my mind has turned on itself so deeply that it is irreversable now. I have seen a consultant psychiatrist who has prescribed me olanzapine. This is an antipsychotic drug but he had hoped it would help me with these thoguhts. I have been taking for 4 weeks now and this thought process is as strong as ever and I feel I've fallen in too deep now. It does concern me that maybe peopel thing I'm managing with this or maybe that it's just too complex to understand so it gets understood as something else byt other people.

I remember when it all started and I said to myself - what if I don't like being alive and then realise that I was stuck\trapped being alive. This was the root of it all when I relaised that there is no escape from being alive. Other than prison, you can possibly avoid anything esle or at least see an end to it. But with life you're stuck with it. If you logically don't like it then it's tough, you can't espcape other than ending it. I can't find peace in being alive any more and it's as if life itself has become such a scary thing


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> I remember when it all started and I said to myself - what if I don't like being alive and then realise that I was stuck\trapped being alive. This was the root of it all when I relaised that there is no escape from being alive. Other than prison, you can possibly avoid anything esle or at least see an end to it. But with life you're stuck with it. If you logically don't like it then it's tough, you can't espcape other than ending it. I can't find peace in being alive any more and it's as if life itself has become such a scary thing


I went through the EXACT SAME THOUGHT PROCESS AND FEAR of being "trapped" in being alive. It's textbook man. And I bet alot of people on here have had that exact same thought and it freaked them out. But it really is linked back to that "need" for control. It sucks man when you are in it, I totally understand. But over time you CAN calm yourself down and be okay with not being fully in control of everything and seeing that life can still work and be okay even if we don't have all the answers and aren't in control of every facet of it.

And to be honest, there's some "comfort" in knowing you CAN end your own life if you wanted to. So ultimately you are not trapped. Nothing is "forcing" you to be here. When I was in my ultimate low, I remember reading this quote from Nietzsche.. it rang so true: "The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."

But as much as it doesn't seem like it right now, things will get better, life IS a gift. That's what I believe. And we get to decide how we want to live it and shape it.

Are you working with a therapist and psychiatrist?


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

I have seen a consultant psychiatrist who has referred me to a psycologist. I've seen the psychologist about 5 times and wall he is doing is is telling me to keep doing what I'm doing ie carrying on with my 'normal' day to day life. It's painful to do but I have been carrying on in the hope that everything will connect again.

I was hoping he'd put a lot more interest and effort in to understanding the thoughts\realizations that I'm having. He's not really touched on the thoughts themselves but focusing on trying to keep myself grounded I think. I think he is struggling because I was already doing all the things he'd try and get someone to do so all he does, every time I see him, is give me reassurance and ensure that I continue to do what I'm doing. I can't say he's helped at all really. He doesn't have any magic technique or suggestions but I think he's lost with what to suggest to me, I can't blame him as I don't even expect him to understand how bizarre and strange this all is. How do you start to advise someone who doesn't undertand what 'time' is and is scared\freaked out about being alive and the whole concept of life itself?


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

I have worked with a few different therapists and what you are explaining is pretty standard. A lot of what they do is reassurance and validation. Validating that all of our thoughts are "normal" for someone dealing with anxiety/dp and reassuring us that we aren't going crazy. I think there is definitely some value in that, but i also totally get what you are saying about wanting more skills or specific things to work on. But unfortunately, a lot of getting out of dp is just trying to get our mind back off of ourselves and into life around us. Work, activities, relationships etc. Personally meds are a pretty big piece that allows me to get out of my head. I still have to do the work, but it makes the work more doable.

It's huge to know you aren't alone though right? To know that you aren't the only one who's went through this shit and had all these strange and scary thoughts?


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

The thing is I'm not after reassurance that I'm not going crazy. I don't think I ever thought I was. What I do know is that my mind has turned on itself and now the whole concept of me being alive is causing this non stop feeling of doom inside me.It's the same feeling you get when you deeply realize that you're going to die or being told awful news. I have that feeling 24x7 and I can't escape it becuase the reson behind it is due to being alive.. so I'm stuck in a paradox\vicious cycle.

What this has developed in to is me being scared about how LONG life is. This can't be right.. who is scared about the length of life? For some reason the concept of being alive non stop for so many years and being part of this as every second goes by, distrubs me so much that I inside my head is screaming. I can't do anything about it.. if you don't want to be alive is tough.. you're stuck. Nothing in my life has any relevance to me any more. The whole meaning of life and everything in it disturbs me so much.

What concerns me is why am I disturbed about being alive and now that my mind feels unlocked to this, How will I ever see things how I used to?


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Living in the moment and not spending time thinking about the future (or past) is one way. Honestly, when I'm having a really hard time, I try to remember, this could all be over today, or tomorrow. None of us know how long we have. It's true. I could get in a car wreck tomorrow and die.... OR.. I could live another 30 years... It's all about perspective. And bottom line is that nothing is guaranteed.


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## ToTo (Oct 6, 2015)

Hey Carl. I can totally relate to everything you've mentioned. There's two types of memories. The data memory and the psychological memory. The data memory is the type of memory when you remember something and it doesn't affect you emotionally anymore. It's just a data memory stored in the mind. The psychological memory is when you remember an incident and you relive it. Even if it happened 15 years ago. It affects you emotionally and whenever you remember that particular incident, it feels like it's taking place and effect at this precise moment.

What I think is that dp makes our minds wired in a way that processes every memory as a psychological memory. So, when I go outside and get back to the house, I have no memory what I was doing and it feels like I'd never been their. And when I brainstorm my mind to remember what I was doing, and successd at remembering what I was doing, the past memory becomes present and I get terrified cause it feels like some kinda of a time travel.

Reliving what I have been doing after being dped scares me sometimes. So I don't give it that much thought. I only live in the moment and enjoy the moment. If you become dp free, everything will get back to normal and that time issue won't be a problem anymore. Because dp affects the memory especially the short term memory. That's why doing recent activities feels weird. I tell you once again, it's normal. It's all because of dp. Once the dp is gone, your memory will rewire itself to the normal perception of time and memory.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

Has anyone ever suffered with this?

My mind and thoughts are in a constant battle with themselves. It's as if I don't like the concept that life is one continual response to what your brain has been taught since you were born. For some reason my mind is trying to rebel against everything as if doesn't like this state or normal life. Everything is an involuntary response from our language to the whole world we live in and for some reason my mind has decided that it doesn't want to be in this 'trap'. Like we are all sheep\monkeys just following the same routine due to what we've been taught in our lives. But what if I don't want to call a cup a cup.. or what if I don't want to go to work and follow the rest of the sheep in life? I know this sounds totally bizarre but my mind for some reason sees 'normal' life very naive and unconscious. following all the rules of life. I can't even explain it properly other than my mind is wanting to rebel against normality and every thing that we know\have learned through life.
Has anyone ever had something so complex? It's like my mind has realized that all we do from day to day is act on involuntary responses from our brain because of what we've been told to do and my mind doesn't like it anymore. It makes me wonder what is the point of life and what is the point of anything. Ultimately it will all come to an end when we die so whats the point of anything


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> Has anyone ever suffered with this?
> 
> My mind and thoughts are in a constant battle with themselves. It's as if I don't like the concept that life is one continual response to what your brain has been taught since you were born. For some reason my mind is trying to rebel against everything as if doesn't like this state or normal life. Everything is an involuntary response from our language to the whole world we live in and for some reason my mind has decided that it doesn't want to be in this 'trap'. Like we are all sheep\monkeys just following the same routine due to what we've been taught in our lives. But what if I don't want to call a cup a cup.. or what if I don't want to go to work and follow the rest of the sheep in life? I know this sounds totally bizarre but my mind for some reason sees 'normal' life very naive and unconscious. following all the rules of life. I can't even explain it properly other than my mind is wanting to rebel against normality and every thing that we know\have learned through life.
> Has anyone ever had something so complex? It's like my mind has realized that all we do from day to day is act on involuntary responses from our brain because of what we've been told to do and my mind doesn't like it anymore. It makes me wonder what is the point of life and what is the point of anything. Ultimately it will all come to an end when we die so whats the point of anything


Yes I went through the EXACT same thing. It's like I was "against" life, just because I felt like I was being "forced" to live it. And forced to live it a certain way. I think I even put up a post asking others if they had the same thoughts. I might try and find it. That was right before I went in the hospital. Basically, I think I was just in such a dark crappy place that I started going to those thoughts. Like I just wanted out, and I was miserable, so it felt like I was being forced to live my life, and was pissed, so my mind was rebelling against life. It got better, slowly once I went in the hospital and they got my meds where they needed to be. And then also of course I still have those thoughts some, but they aren't nearly as strong now and I'm able to brush them off and go about my day. I feel for you man. I was there!! You're not the only one who's been through this and had those thoughts.

Think I said this before, but I think you need to make sure you are getting the right talk therapy, learning the coping skills and taking ALL the meds you need to feel better. That's my opinion. And that's basically how I got out of that.

As for the point of life. Well.. I still do struggle some with that. Purpose mainly. I think we all need some purpose, even something small like our work or hobbies etc. And personally for me, I am still in the process of growing spiritually. That allows for a place where we can rest and put some kind of trust where we don't have answers. That's VERY HARD for me because I'm very analytical so I'm still working in that area. But everything I've experienced tells me that we are made to have some kind of spirituality to be fully whole and happy. I mean, we are asking huge , deep , philosophical questions. Questions that can't be answered with empirical evidence. That's where spirituality/belief in a higher power comes in for us humans. Not all, but most. Of course you get to decide. You could simply continue with the "ultimately it will all end so what's the point of anything?" mentality, or entertain the possibility that there is more to this life than what we "know" with our 5 senses. And considering we don't know a whole hell of a lot as humans (like even about our own brains, the universe etc.), for me it's not much of a stretch at all to believe that there is a God who has created all of this, and that we are all very special. That this life is special and it's worth living, even in the midst of this bullsh*t. 

Hope you get some relief soon my brother!


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

This is my post back in February when I was battling with the same stuff you are talking about.

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/53089-trapping-thoughts/


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> Has anyone ever suffered with this?
> 
> My mind and thoughts are in a constant battle with themselves. It's as if I don't like the concept that life is one continual response to what your brain has been taught since you were born. For some reason my mind is trying to rebel against everything as if doesn't like this state or normal life. Everything is an involuntary response from our language to the whole world we live in and for some reason my mind has decided that it doesn't want to be in this 'trap'. Like we are all sheep\monkeys just following the same routine due to what we've been taught in our lives. But what if I don't want to call a cup a cup.. or what if I don't want to go to work and follow the rest of the sheep in life? I know this sounds totally bizarre but my mind for some reason sees 'normal' life very naive and unconscious. following all the rules of life. I can't even explain it properly other than my mind is wanting to rebel against normality and every thing that we know\have learned through life.
> Has anyone ever had something so complex? It's like my mind has realized that all we do from day to day is act on involuntary responses from our brain because of what we've been told to do and my mind doesn't like it anymore. It makes me wonder what is the point of life and what is the point of anything. Ultimately it will all come to an end when we die so whats the point of anything


Wow! This used to be me ALL the time. Like even the good things in life, like summer vacation, christmas etc. All I can say is, it's just a crappy perspective you force on yourself. It's not the truth. I really thought i was the only one thinking like that. You're just stuck in DP-mode.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

Pondererer said:


> Wow! This used to be me ALL the time. Like even the good things in life, like summer vacation, christmas etc. All I can say is, it's just a crappy perspective you force on yourself. It's not the truth. I really thought i was the only one thinking like that. You're just stuck in DP-mode.


I don't know why my mind is doing this! Did your mind change back to how it used to be? I'm just curious if I'm stuck like this or did you improve and start thinking straight again?


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Not surprising feeling this way tbh.

DP fucks with your sense of time perception, the only difference is your reading into it ALOT and analysing that feeling of disconnect to an insane degree.

It's very simple:

1) You are depersonalised

....... that's it... you are grappling with the symptoms of DP and it seems like something else to you but it's not, it's literally just DP. When you are watching your kid's mouth move and it seems bizarre, just remind yourself thats DP, nothing else. Just stay focused on that.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

the thing I don't have the brain for 9g dp Dr anymore. It literally feels like my mind has changed the way it sees and perceives life and every subject to do with life on a philosophical/existential level. I honestly don't feel the usual dp dr symptoms anymore. It's these existential thoughts and the concept of time as a subject that are causing me mental agony


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> the thing I don't have the brain for 9g dp Dr anymore. It literally feels like my mind has changed the way it sees and perceives life and every subject to do with life on a philosophical/existential level. I honestly don't feel the usual dp dr symptoms anymore. It's these existential thoughts and the concept of time as a subject that are causing me mental agony


You dont feel dp/dr symptoms yet you still analyze the concept of space / time and these upset you?

Maybe you are a philosopher?

I dont understand why people struggle with this... why is it causing you agony? What's strange about the concept of time?

I think you are still experiencing DP otherwise these things wouldn't disturb you.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

all I know is that I used to feel dp dr but I feel as though it's the way my mind is thinking now that is controlling my life. dp dr felt more physical in my mind but this feels like I've been brain washed mentally. I think it's my mind searching for answers that I cannot establish that causes the mental agony. It's a 24x7 thought process. I've been told it's obsessive thinking but in my mind it's as though I see life in a whole new perspective. Lots of what I'm suffering with links to existential crisis


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> I don't know why my mind is doing this! Did your mind change back to how it used to be? I'm just curious if I'm stuck like this or did you improve and start thinking straight again?


I have actually improved and started thinking more clearly again. I used to be sooo stuck in that pure-O OCD loop. Most of my symptoms are lessened alot now. My anxiety, obsession, OCD, panic attacks, dreadful fatigue. But i'm still stuck behind the glass wall. And i'm still often kind of tired and have the blurry vision. As I always say, just keep moving 1 step forward. And don't get emotionally involved. That's how you get stuck. I used to like curse at god and stuff LOL. Just let things be as they are, it's kind of fun at times, like an experiment. Like what happens if you just go with the flow of life


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

Pondererer said:


> I have actually improved and started thinking more clearly again. I used to be sooo stuck in that pure-O OCD loop. Most of my symptoms are lessened alot now. My anxiety, obsession, OCD, panic attacks, dreadful fatigue. But i'm still stuck behind the glass wall. And i'm still often kind of tired and have the blurry vision. As I always say, just keep moving 1 step forward. And don't get emotionally involved. That's how you get stuck. I used to like curse at god and stuff LOL. Just let things be as they are, it's kind of fun at times, like an experiment. Like what happens if you just go with the flow of life


That's good to hear that I have a chance of this leaving me or at least giving me some hope. I'm really trying to find a way to just go with the flow of life etc and adopt that attitude but something is holding me back.. as if my mind is convinced this is it and I'm stuck forever. All the best and I'm pleased to hear you've had it fade away


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> all I know is that I used to feel dp dr but I feel as though it's the way my mind is thinking now that is controlling my life. dp dr felt more physical in my mind but this feels like I've been brain washed mentally. I think it's my mind searching for answers that I cannot establish that causes the mental agony. It's a 24x7 thought process. I've been told it's obsessive thinking but in my mind it's as though I see life in a whole new perspective. Lots of what I'm suffering with links to existential crisis


I do think for some, perhaps many, DP/DR is partially an "existential crisis". Like your body's way of saying, WAKE UP! This is life, it's huge and amazing and in some ways scary, but you can't control everything. You need to be able to trust in something. And be okay with not being able to control everything and not having all the answers. But it's ok to search for those answers.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

my dp dr symptoms have gone. I'm having such intense existential thoughts and realizations that it's torture being alive. I feel like I want to die because it's so bad


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Well atleast you feel real though. I'd trade not feeling real and having existensial thoughts for what I have any day of the week


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

so disturbed about being alive that I don't know how to continue my life. There is no point to life and existence. Why are we all here like sheep. keeping our race alive and living our day to day lives? I know how depressing this sounds and it is grinding me down but it's reached such a level of thought that I'm disturbed about being alive 24x7 and it is mental torture being alive. Accepting that there is no point doesn't work for me. I have such intense feelings of fear and doom all day everyday. I can't look at a simple object without assessing how pointless it is. The same with conversation and simple sentences. There is just no point to anything. Life is logically pointless but yet I'm forced to be alive and have to live with it.


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## Mr confused (Apr 8, 2016)

bro this is dp the universe the time aren't things deserve thinking
its because you are detached you can't control your mind its vise versa


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

I don't feel detached. I feel like my mind has lost the ability to process time. Not the concept of it but it can't process the continual change in past present and future. It's disturbed be too much that I feel insane.


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> my dp dr symptoms have gone. I'm having such intense existential thoughts and realizations that it's torture being alive. I feel like I want to die because it's so bad


My symptons are very close to gone too. It seems we are on the same boat. Only you are in the torture chamber, and i'm in the uncomfortable box. Let me offer you some counterpoints to your thoughts!

-*Silver lining: *If it's so pointless, then you have absolutely no worries. Enjoy good, food, company, people, activities, feelings etc. You don't have to lift a finger doing something else. No consequenses (within reason ofc).

-*Its temporary: *It's a sensations, feeling, that is not to last forever. It's weird, fucked up, but you can go through it and be done with it.

-*everybody know: *Yeah, life if pointless. You are not a special snowflake when thinking this, sorry. But that doesn't mean you can't have an awesome, truly meaningful time. Connect with people you love, doing things you love doing.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

I think I've hit some depression with it as this way of thinking is 24x7. I just can't see the point to even be breathing. The whole human race and existence is pointless and I've become disturbed about being alive. . literally it's like a fish being scared of water. I don't even want to be better because what's the point. I'm stuck in a paradox. I'm in limbo between not being able to end my life but not wanting to be alive.


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## revuptheglory (Feb 14, 2016)

Toto said:


> Hey Carl. I can totally relate to everything you've mentioned. There's two types of memories. The data memory and the psychological memory. The data memory is the type of memory when you remember something and it doesn't affect you emotionally anymore. It's just a data memory stored in the mind. The psychological memory is when you remember an incident and you relive it. Even if it happened 15 years ago. It affects you emotionally and whenever you remember that particular incident, it feels like it's taking place and effect at this precise moment.
> What I think is that dp makes our minds wired in a way that processes every memory as a psychological memory. So, when I go outside and get back to the house, I have no memory what I was doing and it feels like I'd never been their. And when I brainstorm my mind to remember what I was doing, and successd at remembering what I was doing, the past memory becomes present and I get terrified cause it feels like some kinda of a time travel.
> Reliving what I have been doing after being dped scares me sometimes. So I don't give it that much thought. I only live in the moment and enjoy the moment. If you become dp free, everything will get back to normal and that time issue won't be a problem anymore. Because dp affects the memory especially the short term memory. That's why doing recent activities feels weird. I tell you once again, it's normal. It's all because of dp. Once the dp is gone, your memory will rewire itself to the normal perception of time and memory.


Didn't even think of that. This has been one of my most concerning symptom but hey this actually makes a lot of sense. Awesome!


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> I think I've hit some depression with it as this way of thinking is 24x7. I just can't see the point to even be breathing. The whole human race and existence is pointless and I've become disturbed about being alive. . literally it's like a fish being scared of water. I don't even want to be better because what's the point. I'm stuck in a paradox. I'm in limbo between not being able to end my life but not wanting to be alive.


I hit depression with this. That's why I went in the hospital. I wasn't necessarily the DP , it was just the sheer misery of feeling like SHIT in those really bad lows and wanting "out" of life. And the thoughts of ending it and starting to think about how that ending was going to take place. I've been where you are man. For me I will say that medication was a pretty big part of the answer that got me out of the "hole". Time + meds + nutrition + exercise + distractions (ie. doing stuff with friends etc., work) + some kind of faith. For me that is the winning combo, and I think a large portion would agree.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

Well I'm being admitted to a psychiatric hospital on Monday. It's a private one so will hopefully get the help I need. Not sure how long I'll be in there


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> Well I'm being admitted to a psychiatric hospital on Monday. It's a private one so will hopefully get the help I need. Not sure how long I'll be in there


I"m glad you are getting help man. You will be okay!


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## EmmaBo (Aug 31, 2016)

Carl - these are textbook DP symptoms. You have DP.


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

Carl, I hope you are getting the help you need. Please let me know if you find something that helps.


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## meekah (Sep 28, 2015)

please update us when you get a chance, this sounds alot like dp when I first got it. I'm also on olanzpine aka zyprexa, it's helping me I think, my thoughts aren't as scary.


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Agreed,would love to hear an update from you, Carl.


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## comdony (Sep 11, 2016)

this phenomenon is such a hard thing to describe but you did a pretty good job of it. this happened to me today,the last time was maybe a year or 2 ago.its like my brain goes into over think really fast mode and call it anxiety, panicish feeling or whatever, I'd call it scary.i have to snap out of it because if I stay in that trancethought stage it gets freakish.i didn't ask to exist,what am I? what is life? what the heck? ok I give up, I'm going back to life now this is freaking me out... and that's how I got out. now ill be normal just being human again


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## just_liviu85 (Jul 1, 2016)

Me to, like i am hyperaware that fact i exist in this reality and the fact the vision is separated from view like i notice first the first time and i obsessed this until every sound i fell it like i heard in the brain and i view a muted the vision i think is all the anxiety derealization because now my eyes fell like the are two cameras


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