# it is possible to recover...please read.



## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

Hey,

I really hardly go on this website anymore...mainly because I've felt no need to. And whoever rememebers me on here posting like the past months about the mess I'm in or "was in" if u remember me, that's great because all these usernames seem to be new. So I highly recomment everyone read this, because unlike a lot of people on here, this is positive...not some negative thing.
My story was basically this in a small nut shell. I've always had minor anxiety in the past, and last september I had a major nervous breakdown/panic attacks and 3 days and didn't know what was happening to me. To make a longgg story short. I was a good psychiatrist and thearapist who knew exaclty what was wrong with me. That's when DP/DR entered my life, as a "thing." yeah I would just sit in my dorm room in college and not even know where I was. I would cry everyday not knowing what to do and where to go. crying to my mom everyday, depressed, disconnected, and felt like nothing was real. I would drive and not know wtf I was doing or going, walk and second guess myself every second to what I was doing/going. lay down and be so confused as to why I felt this way and what happened to me. I truely believe that it is mainly chemical and emotional and can ALL be changed with your thoughts. If someone like this happened to me, it had to be chemical. SO, I would cry to my mom everyday, started cutting-when all my life I was a happy person who loved to get attention. now, I was a hermit. layed in bed, skipped classes, and lost all parts of reality. And all I kept hearing was God, my mom, and my great friend now/therapist Julie telling me "I will be play" No I didn't believe it, but I wanted to kill myself so bad, but I just couldn't. I got on medication, paxil...nothing seemed to change the first month so I just kept going. Wanting to die, depression and everything. Even though I didn't want to live, I forced myself to get through each fucking hard day or being so fucked up.
As months grew by, the DR started going away on it's own. I no longer felt like I was in a movie or seeing people through a screen...that felt some ease. had good and bad days but I just wanted to get out of this mess dead or alive. Believe me, I was the lowest anyone could be in this situation.
I would even cut myself to feel some pain physical than mental all the time, which also isn't me.
I MADE the months go by, a boyfriend breaking up with me during this, extreme depression, and everything else. But I kept going---I went up and am now on 80mg of Paxil an SSRI and xanax when needed throughout the day. And I just have to tell you...from September to now (Feb.) those are a lot of missed months in my lif of torture. But from being 0% when I was first starting this till now (FEB) I can say I am 80 percent better. The struggles with college, being alone, and everything. Thearapy and my mom also helped. I hid this from my dad and he was always an angry person until I revealed to him my suicide thoughts and it completely changed him as a person and now believes in mental illnesses. 
ALSO, your mind controls what you want from the world...I'm am a psych. major at my college and a freshman believe me, it's hard. I now feel connected again to myself 80 percent but I'm still not there and I have hope of getting there all the way which I will. The Placebo effect is a term used that your mind controls everything and how you feel. I'm such a negative person that I have to PUSH myself to think positive. I have those depressing weeks and just want to die...it's all hormonal and mental. and those days pass. I'm finally on a road to recovery and I can strongly say that and really don't want to jinx myself.

You people are NOT alone and I am here for you all to talk to, I've been to hell and back and am a completely changed person from this and I really hope one day I'll be the same. I know what you guys are going through. I also take vitmains which I think also are helping me. a multi-vitamin, magesium, and b-12 in the morning and OMEGA 3 FISH OIL at night WHICH IS GREAT FOR THE BRAIN in connection at night. it's amazing. I feel put together again, and I have my mom, God, and my doctors for saving my life. I know that I'm not there all the way but it does feel damn good to be where I am now. I feel somewhat normal again.
It WILL take months, time...

I highly advice you people to seek medical and psychological attention, you can't do this on your own, but your thinking is a huge part of it (coming from someone so negative) it's hard I know. I'm here for you and YOU WILL get better. with medication and help...you will get better, this is only temporarily. and also your brain recovers on it's own time with the help of everything else.

Please email me at [email protected] if you need anything since I hardly go on here but I'll check if I have any messages for the next couple days. Everyone take care. peace and love

-Brittany.


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