# Instant relief?



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Hi guys.
Been coping so well lately, but this morning I think I've had a major trigger and I literally feel so out of touch right now. DR is crazy and I can hardly even see to write this post, the whole room is spinning and I literally feel like I'm about to die. I'm sat out in my garden getting fresh air and trying to ping a band against my wrist to bring myself out of this but where these usually work, they're not. Has anyone got any tips for instant relief, just to take the edge off? 
Would really appreciate it, thank you.


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Phoned crisis. No help, can't even understand what they're saying. Tried everything I can think of. My sons stirring now and I'm afraid of him being awake when I'm like this, I can barely stand up :sad:


----------



## BanterDPD (Sep 21, 2016)

Hey Lellaboo, sorry to hear you struggling, i am also having a bad day - actually i lie i am having a fucking horrid day, hardly slept last night and feel so disconnected.

We just have to keep on keeping on in the knowledge and belief that things will get better. I find food and television are a great distraction ....things will improve

Best wishes


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Thank you for your sympathies. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Hope you get a good sleep tonight! 
Yes, I'm usually have that mindset but this morning has been crazy. I feel like I'm on drugs. I've had to put my son down for his nap early because I really couldn't handle it. Feeling like an awful Mum now too, I couldn't stop myself from crying in front of him but have no one around at the moment that could watch him for a little.

I've been trying distractions, can't eat though, I'll try force something down me. I'm trying to clean the house with sunglasses on (this actually helped a bit!) while the room is turning itself upside down. Yuck


----------



## BanterDPD (Sep 21, 2016)

I am sure you are a very caring and loving Mum and the fact that you are able to cry means you are in touch with your emotions. I have huge respect and admiration for any woman who suffers from this monster illness and still manages to raise a child/children.

Take care and enjoy the weekend : )


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Thanks guys. I'm so grateful I'm still in touch with my emotions - I was numb at the beginning of all this and it was awful. I do still find it hard to feel positive emotions as powerful as I used to. I know I'm being silly - I devote my absolute life to my son and he's such a happy, bright soul. We have a morning routine after breakfast we sing songs together, and he was gesturing for the song and I literally couldn't. I had to leave the room and just cry for a bit, made me feel useless. I need to beat this, I'm not letting it affect my child. No way.

ASM, definitely need to cut back the caffeine. I had three cans of Redbull the other evening as I'd had very little sleep over the previous days (little mans molars cutting through...Lord help me) and it made me so jittery and anxious. I used to glug the stuff. I don't drink it anymore, but I do usually have a cup of tea in the morning. I've switched it for green tea but that still has caffeine in, I don't think I can eliminate it entirely from my diet. I hate decaff, it's gross. Caffeine only tends to cause me issues if I have more than a cup.


----------



## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

Sorry to hear, before my recovery all that helped was either a benzo or maybe video games. I never really found a way to avoid the storm, just had to learn to be patient


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

No meds at all in the household other than Calpol haha. I couldn't even look at the TV this morning, forget game, it was literally like things were being flipped upside down. I don't know what to do in that situation, I was sobbing in the foetal position feeling sorry for myself lol. I can laugh about it now but at the time it was debilitating. Thank you for replying


----------



## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

my mom has been mentally ill for my entire life. she is still able to work, but at 23 years old I have 11 years experience serving the role of a crisis counselor. which, y'know, kinda fucked up. I kinda feel like everyone else is viewing the situation as a grownup, as someone putting themselves in the parental role, so I thought it might be helpful to add what it looks like as a kid.

you're not a bad mom just because you are ill, or because you are sad, or anything like that. it is totally okay in my opinion to cry in front of your kid. I would very very strongly suggest that you try to explain why you were crying, once you have calmed down, in a way that he can understand. I was old enough to sort of intuit what was going on by the time my mom truly broke, but she never, ever took the time to talk things over afterwards. there was the heat of the moment when she would say terrible things and sob and it was my duty to fix it, and then there was acting like it never happened. I feel it would be a step in the right direction to be open with your son about why you were upset, even though it is a difficult and abstract thing. I sort of feel that I'm not adequately conveying what I mean, but perhaps I can try again later.

additionally, and I admit I have not thoroughly read everything you've said outside this thread to gather how you handle things, the biggest mistake my mom could ever make was making me a central pillar in her support structure. oftentimes I was the only pillar in her support structure. you've already got a leg up on her because you're here, with us, asking us for whatever little toothpicks of support we have to offer. your son loves you, and kids are pretty clever, so I think it is okay to sort of keep him in the loop about what's going on, instead of frantically trying to hide everything and putting additional stress on yourself and confusing him and worrying him all at the same time. I bet he wants to make you happy, and if you give him little ways he can help it will only benefit the both of you. the problem comes if you start putting all the weight on him, or demanding his help instead of asking for it (either by quite literally verbally demanding, or by intentionally or unintentionally manipulating him). it can be very very easy to unintentionally manipulate someone when you are mentally ill, and it is kind of unfair that we have the additional burden of monitoring our behavior when we have so much else to deal with, but. I imagine you would feel terribly guilty if you unintentionally manipulated him. I'd rather you not feel that way, and I'd rather he not suffer what I have.

I'm sorry if this comes off as rude, or preachy, or scolding. I trust that you do not do these things that she did. (or at least, I very much hope you do not.) I just feel like it might be beneficial in the end for you to hear what is and isn't harmful behavior, from a kid's perspective. you didn't do anything wrong. he may be too young to completely get what you're going through, but I think it is still worth the time to explain, and acknowledge, instead of sweeping it under the rug.

I'm glad you're feeling better. he sounds like a good kid and you sound like a good mom.


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

tfiio said:


> my mom has been mentally ill for my entire life. she is still able to work, but at 23 years old I have 11 years experience serving the role of a crisis counselor. which, y'know, kinda fucked up. I kinda feel like everyone else is viewing the situation as a grownup, as someone putting themselves in the parental role, so I thought it might be helpful to add what it looks like as a kid.
> 
> you're not a bad mom just because you are ill, or because you are sad, or anything like that. it is totally okay in my opinion to cry in front of your kid. I would very very strongly suggest that you try to explain why you were crying, once you have calmed down, in a way that he can understand. I was old enough to sort of intuit what was going on by the time my mom truly broke, but she never, ever took the time to talk things over afterwards. there was the heat of the moment when she would say terrible things and sob and it was my duty to fix it, and then there was acting like it never happened. I feel it would be a step in the right direction to be open with your son about why you were upset, even though it is a difficult and abstract thing. I sort of feel that I'm not adequately conveying what I mean, but perhaps I can try again later.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply.
I can really relate to what you're saying too, because my Mum was really ill her whole life too. I'm sorry you felt you spent your childhood in a parental role - that really is hard, and can make you feel immense pressure. My Mum was the same, and she never explained why she was angry/snappy or upset. She was also abusive to me and my sister due to her illness (I know there's no excuses, but she really had it rough - I probably speak higher of her than I should as she passed last year) and the hardest thing was never knowing why. Created bad attachment issues for both my sister and I, and low self esteem.

Your advice is fantastic - but my son is 16 months old lol. I do give him a cuddle and tell him 'It's okay, Mummy's being silly' but I doubt he even comprehends that. The only words he can say is 'Birdie, food and ball', I don't think he even knows what 'Mummy' is yet haha - so not sure it would be worth trying to have a chat to him about why this is happening. It did make me giggle though, thank you 
I'm aiming for this to be way behind me by the time he is old enough to understand. It just saddened me this morning that he see me cry - to be fair, he did start pointing and laughing


----------



## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

I'm glad you can understand where I'm coming from! I guess in my own mind, it's sort of like reading to your child. maybe they can't really understand the words right that second, but it will help them understand later on. but of course, you know your son better than any of us ever could, and I trust your judgement.

I never studied developmental psychology much, but from my understanding, comprehension ability is usually ahead of speech ability. he may completely understand the concept of "mummy", even if he hasn't quite got the hang of saying it yet. (or I may be totally wrong! like I said, didn't study developmental much.)


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

tfiio said:


> I'm glad you can understand where I'm coming from! I guess in my own mind, it's sort of like reading to your child. maybe they can't really understand the words right that second, but it will help them understand later on. but of course, you know your son better than any of us ever could, and I trust your judgement.
> 
> I never studied developmental psychology much, but from my understanding, comprehension ability is usually ahead of speech ability. he may completely understand the concept of "mummy", even if he hasn't quite got the hang of saying it yet. (or I may be totally wrong! like I said, didn't study developmental much.)


No, you're exactly right - they have the ability to comprehend words before they can talk. I can ask him 'Where's the picture? Where's your train? Where's Daddy/Grandad/Nana?' etc. he will point. As soon as I, or anyone, asks him 'Where's Mummy?' he's baffled. He knows everyone else though, charmer lol! He's actually got fantastic comprehension skills, he was 2 months premature so his developmental age is 14 months. He's come leaps and bounds.
Anyway, brag over ;-) 
I wouldn't talk to him about struggles at this age though lol. Read a book yes - not talk to him about anything like this. Even if he could understand. If I happen to still be struggling when he's a lot older, I will explain to him then in a gentle way. Not now though, that seems unfathomable and quite frankly, there's no need. I WILL be recovered before then though, I vow to it.


----------



## <AGENT>teh345 (Apr 10, 2012)

How long has it been you've been dealing with this now in total?


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

> teh345" data-cid="393105" data-time="1479510926">
> 
> How long has it been you've been dealing with this now in total?


I first realised around June. As I've been thinking more in depth about it - probably after my son was born. There was also events where I detached when I was younger but they were temporary.


----------



## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

again, I trust your judgement. if you think there's no need, that's fine. (don't beat yourself up about it if something prevents you making that self-imposed recovery deadline, okay?)


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

tfiio said:


> again, I trust your judgement. if you think there's no need, that's fine. (don't beat yourself up about it if something prevents you making that self-imposed recovery deadline, okay?)


Thank you - I do feel if I wasn't able to recover, I would make it worse by putting pressure on myself and feeling guilty. Nice to hear that


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

ASM said:


> Decaf can be a little bland, as when they remove the caffiene some of the taste goes with it. That said, there are some exceptions.
> 
> I recommend Taylors of Harrowgate Decaf for fresh coffee, it still has plenty of flavour & is decaffinated using only water (as opposed to most others which use harsh chemicals). For instant coffee I recommend Nescafe Instant. Use an extra half a teaspoon to compensate for the lack of flavour (again it's decaffed using water only). The two teas I'd recommend are Typhoo & Tetley. To compensate for the lack of flavour use less milk than normal & then they'll taste much better.
> 
> I found that drinking caffiene everyday was giving me more anxiety & panic attacks everyday, it's not just after drinking it that it happens, it had a constant effect.


Thank you for the recommendations! Will give these a go. I didn't know Tetley made decaf! It makes sense if you're even having a tiny bit everyday, it will stay in your system. Why does everything bad for you have to be SO GOOD?! 
I'm trying to eat as clean as possible too, had a huge chocolate craving earlier and settled with diabetic chocolate. Waaa


----------



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

ASM said:


> I know, right! I've given up most of my vices except sugary stuff; cake, chocolate, & sweets etc. And even that's bad for me as I have Dysautonomia. By the way, chocolate has a small amount of caffiene in it, only about 10% of what you get in coffee & it's a different kind of caffiene which is much gentler on the system. One small bar of milk chocolate a day shouldn't affect you, I still eat it & don't have anxiety like I did with tea & coffee. It's unlikely that it will have as a dramatic effect on you as it had on me, but I do hope that it takes the edge off of your anxiety.


Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. Must say, I don't blame you though - I couldn't give up chocolate. We need a lil something that we love, all in moderation 
I've never really ate unhealthy but I've always indulged in a good bar and hefty glass of Merlot to pair with. 
Bugger off telling me chocolate has caffeine in it! I do recall hearing that actually. I'd rather not know what awful-stuff-is-going-to-eventually-be-my-demise is in it, so I'll stick to dark or *gag*...sugar free 
nyway this is a whole new topic here and it's making me wistful and hungry LOL

Thank you for the advice - I do think caffeine would play a huge part in my anxiety as I'm quite sensitive to anything I put in my body - if I don't take my vitamins/minerals or eat crappy all day, I really crash and feel awful.


----------

