# I don't know anymore



## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

I don't know any more. I mean I thought I was making progress but I dunno anymore. I mean this shits really eating away at me. Its not just the DP, its all the shit that comes with it. My mind is jumbled up, it feels like all the nots in my brain, all the veins and other shit that's in it is tangled together, and my thoughts and feelings are all screwed up. Like the way I view certain things, even things sometimes like my dad working 5mins from the house, I find that somewhat upsetting? WHY. He comes back in the day for lunch why would I do that? Its not normal. My reactions to everyday normal things is mucked up. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore but its like being in a mental hell. I cant concentrate on college work, which I am worried about the most because my grades were totally awful in school. If I want a half decent job I have to put some decent work in NOW. And decent works not possible, even if I force myself to do the task for hours on end, my mind seems to jump around a bit, and my minds so foggy that I just cant concentrate.

I don't get what's going on any more. I mean I had it all figured out sort of. These weird feelings, the feeling of being in a dream, it got to the point where I never felt like that anymore, it got to the point with just a slight disassociation and another off feeling which I couldn't put my finger on. So why the suicidal thoughts all of a sudden? I fear going off medication, I think I would top myself, when the depression first happened, I couldn't bare to live another second. How I made it till the morning is beyond me. I don't want to know how it feels without my medicine. I've been wanting to do something drastic on my own to maybe help me figure some stuff out. Thinking about going to the woods or something with a few cans of larger, or some drugs, something to help me escape, but i want to escape the unrealness so what's the point. Its like i cant hide because its in my head, its the way i perceive everything, under a cover, inside my house, anywhere there's no escaping. Heh the weird thing is even when i felt less DPed it made me more down, i got little glimpses of what it felt like to perceive the sun, almost getting a glimpse of how beautiful the sunset was, how fucked up is this shit that i cant even appreciate a view, cant even get any enjoyment out of it. God, one of the worst things is looking back at all the shit i had easy. Everything was handed on the plate for me.

Gah been a horrible week, bring on next week.


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## ananon (Dec 7, 2010)

Fluke. I'm gonna put this first part as blunt as possible, because you said you were thinking it.

Don't fucking kill yourself. I'm not even joking, I've been in the same place that you've been, and I've felt the same thing. I can't even put into words how bad it sucks, and how much it was a mixture of hurt and confusion and other emotions. My suggestion would be find an outlet, something artistic, poetry, music, painting, drawing, anything. You need a place to put all these thoughts that's far away from your head, and you just need to ride it out. I also don't recommend going into the woods with drugs or alcohol in the state your in, that would be dangerous and you know that.

It will get better, just promise you'll hang in there.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling worse again Fluke









I also had a really TERRIBLE week. It is not the DP which is the worst. These torturing thoughts in my head are far more depressing- just as if my own mind wants to convince me that everything is hopeless, in one way or another. BUT THESE ARE LIES!!! I tell myself this each day, each minute if necessary!!!

Your thoughts are lies too!!! You will get out of this one day and things will be as they were before again, I am sure of that!

Hang in there, we are with you!


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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

Thanks you guys. Glad to know im not alone on this. As a matter of fact i have got into art lately, the first sort of hobby i have had since DP. Should i take this as a good sign? Sometimes i think i am gradually recovering, but the depression is sort of holding me back. The feeling like ive lost my identity makes me think i have DID. And the depersonalization i used to get for about 10 seconds when i was younger makes me think i might just be prone to this. I don't want to go back to how it was before. The emotion but only about two, intense anxiety, deep sadness. I'm finally up to my neck in it all. But maybe that's the meaning of life. To suffer. Maybe if there is a God, his testing us all, to see how strong we are, so we can learn and gain knowledge before we enter the spiritual realm. Or maybe us as human beings think highly of ourselves too much, and really we're no more special than the bird outside sitting on the light, or the cat that does its business in our gardens. I think we value ourselves too much.

I'm lost with what i should do from here. I mean what keeps me and i guess, a lot of others on here going is the hope that it will one day lift, get better or completely go. Altogether go. So mine has died down quite a bit in intensity, will it continue to drop? Or am i stuck in the "middle" forever? I dunno i kind of feel if i could believe in God, and convert to Christianity maybe it will pull me out of this pit whether or not God exists doesn't matter. Bah im rambling. Theres one positive lately though. Lately i dislike my mum a lot, a lot of the DP brought me pain because it disconnected me from my family, well now im fucking glad im disconnected from her. Anyways just my rambles maybe i just needed to let my thoughts out, its hard when you cant see the light. Its hard...


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

I can totally relate to what you say. To EVERYTHING.

I had short flashes of DP/DR before as well and once in a while the fear pops up that this is proof I will never get better, that I have the primary disorder and have no chance at all. If I manage to fight this fear I am overwhelmed by the fear that I will never get happy again, that all the events from last year have kind of broken me. Then I panick about my studies, my future job, my intention to get married, to have children...It sometimes gets to the point where I am afraid that I am doomed forever and will -one day- inevitably be one of those who jump off a bridge because they cannot bear it any longer. (This list could be continue







d )

What I want to say by this: I think everyone of us thinks he/she is special one day or another. As we are all hyper-anxious, we judge this negatively. We are not special in a way that it will be easier for us to get out of this shit, we are special in the sense that we will NEVER get out of this. This is "just" ANXIETY. When I say this to myself it is so hard for me to believe myself. I detect myself thinking: "No, this is not anxiety. This is what you have become. A depressed, self-centred, frustrated girl, stupid in the head, interested in nothing and you CAN NEVER CHANGE." I know that others feel a like, but being an "outsider" in that situation, I KNOW that they are just anxious. I am sure others, who are an outsider to MY situation, also detect at once that this is just anxiety, because they are not involved. In their personal case, I am sure of that, they are confronted with the same (or similar) terrifying thoughts.

Fluke, I know you are feeling special in the most negative way possible, but I think most of us do. And most are not.

I also feel as if I have completely lost myself. I AM and I know that, but I also know that this is NOT me at the same time. I know that I have been completely different before. I have never layn in bed with racing heart and racing thoughts while being extremely afraid of the next day without reason. NEVER. Now I do, almost each day.

Depression and anxiety are related in most cases. This is not surprising, isn't it?? How could one not be frustrated in this situation??

But I KNOW that we will one day get out of that- stronger, wiser and more thankful than ever before.

Hang in there, I know how hard it is


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

Fluke said:


> I don't know any more. I mean I thought I was making progress but I dunno anymore. I mean this shits really eating away at me. Its not just the DP, its all the shit that comes with it. My mind is jumbled up, it feels like all the nots in my brain, all the veins and other shit that's in it is tangled together, and my thoughts and feelings are all screwed up. Like the way I view certain things, even things sometimes like my dad working 5mins from the house, I find that somewhat upsetting? WHY. He comes back in the day for lunch why would I do that? Its not normal. My reactions to everyday normal things is mucked up. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore but its like being in a mental hell. I cant concentrate on college work, which I am worried about the most because my grades were totally awful in school. If I want a half decent job I have to put some decent work in NOW. And decent works not possible, even if I force myself to do the task for hours on end, my mind seems to jump around a bit, and my minds so foggy that I just cant concentrate.
> 
> I don't get what's going on any more. I mean I had it all figured out sort of. These weird feelings, the feeling of being in a dream, it got to the point where I never felt like that anymore, it got to the point with just a slight disassociation and another off feeling which I couldn't put my finger on. So why the suicidal thoughts all of a sudden? I fear going off medication, I think I would top myself, when the depression first happened, I couldn't bare to live another second. How I made it till the morning is beyond me. I don't want to know how it feels without my medicine. I've been wanting to do something drastic on my own to maybe help me figure some stuff out. Thinking about going to the woods or something with a few cans of larger, or some drugs, something to help me escape, but i want to escape the unrealness so what's the point. Its like i cant hide because its in my head, its the way i perceive everything, under a cover, inside my house, anywhere there's no escaping. Heh the weird thing is even when i felt less DPed it made me more down, i got little glimpses of what it felt like to perceive the sun, almost getting a glimpse of how beautiful the sunset was, how fucked up is this shit that i cant even appreciate a view, cant even get any enjoyment out of it. God, one of the worst things is looking back at all the shit i had easy. Everything was handed on the plate for me.
> 
> Gah been a horrible week, bring on next week.


Well im not in the typing mood but all i can say is youve just described how ive felt PERFECTLY. Especially what you said about how every little thing, normal things in life seem to freak you out. Happens to me whenever im having a panicky week, bad onset of anxiety. Like when my mom got a cold, for exanmple, i got this bad feeling like everything we feel is superficial, and i questioned i colds were real. Idk just weird thoughts like that that left me in a frenzy all day.

Anyways i cant remember everything u said but ill i know is when i read that, it could have been coming from me anyday.


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