# is anyone else here paranoid about ghosts or demons?



## malkmus (Oct 3, 2009)

hey. im posting here because im bored and confused and scared and dont have anyone to talk to. ive been provisionally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. i think i experience and am currently experiencing depersonalisation. heres my story.

a few months ago, after what i think must have been a panic attack, i slipped into this mood where everything became totally unreal and i felt like i was trapped inside some surrealist film or dream. i was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, terrified, because the ceiling wasnt real and glancing towards the window and worrying about how there wasnt really anything outside the window. at the same time i felt that i was floating on the ceiling looking down onto myself, and then floating outside the window looking in on myself. i felt as though i ceased to exist. everything ceased to exist. i felt that my thoughts and emotions were not really my own. i was overwhelemed with emptiness. if nothing is real then everything is so painfully futile. i was scared i'd be trapped in the horrible meaningless dreamworld forever.

the only other time ive felt anything like that was one time after smoking weed. once again i felt like i was outside looking in on myself through the window. i felt this sense of operating on a completely separate plane of existence to everyone else. just completely detached from the universe. although on this occasion rather than fearing it i felt a tremendous sense of freedom and i guess almost transcendence.i felt like a god.

i have this feeling again now. its not pleasant like the weed experience but not quite as severe as the inital anxiety experience. i feel detached, like im an observer, seeing everything through a pane of glass. (this feeling is even more pronounced when im in a car since there is a literal pane of glass separating me from the world. i dont drive for fear of having an accident because nothing through the windshield seems real to me. the windshield is like a tv screen to me. id probably try to drive through another car or crash into it just to see if itwas really there.) i feel like a character. i feel out of control, like im at the mercy of the predetermined storyline of this movie that im living inside of. its kind of like constant deja vu. or when you wake up from a dream that you cant remember but its vibe lingers with you throughout the morning. but then you take a shower and come back to earth. but i cant do that. i feel like im walking around in a dream and am terrified because dreams have a tendency to morph without warning into nightmares. im looking over my shoulder every two minutes to make sure there's no dark hooded figure standing behind me. im worried that demons and monsters are gonna explode out of the walls and scream at me. its fuckin shit. i dont even believe in that stuff but anythings possible in dreams. this is no way to live. i just want to wake up and feeeeeeel again. im so dead here. im just a ghost, i dont even exist.

i dont know what i expect people to reply with, but whatever.


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

Disclaimer: I am neither a medical doctor, nor a psychologist.

Feelings of loss of self similar to depersonalization (DP) are quite common with borderline personality disorder (BPD), so any detachment from your identity that you might be feeling would probably be considered "normal" for your Axis II (personality conditions) diagnosis. As for the dissociative experiences of feeling like nothing is real and of feeling like you're looking out at everything from behind a glass, that sounds like derealization (DR) to me. I don't have any experience with BPD, so I couldn't say whether or not the type of dissociative experiences you've described are common for that disorder. The _DSM-IV-TR_ (_Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision_) lists the following symptoms as criterion for a diagnosis of BPD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). [Again, not including suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

As you can see, "transient" dissociative symptoms are included in BPD. If you fit the other criteria, your diagnosis of BPD is probably correct, but if you only experience the dissociative symptoms, depersonalization disorder (DPD), would probably be a more appropriate diagnosis. If you do fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD, but your DP/DR is constant and unrelenting, you may be comorbid with both BPD and DPD or another dissociative disorder; BPD is notoriously comorbid with other disorders, especially anxiety, mood, eating, and dissociative disorders. You should talk about these things with your psychologist/psychiatrist.

Enough about diagnosis, because labeling something only goes so far in treating it. What you should remember is: life is not a dream. It's all real. People who experience DP/DR tend to overanalyze absolutely everything, to the point that nothing seems real and no knowledge seems justified. This is just anxious neurosis. Remember that things felt real before, and no matter what you might be feeling, the world is still out there, and you are still you. DP and DR are just _feelings_--horribly scary ones, sometimes, but feelings none the less. And you're not alone. Everyone here is dealing with the same sort of things you are. The first months are, arguably, the worst, but you can make it. You may be in a tight spot right now, but recovery is definitely possible. I personally found benzodiazepine anxiolytics (clonazepam, specifically), extremely helpful. Also, abstinence from drugs is often a good idea, no matter how attractive self-medication might be. I hope my post helped.


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## malkmus (Oct 3, 2009)

thanks for the reply. 
all nine of those criteria are eerily accurate in describing me.

i will have to discuss this with my psychologist i suppose. the trouble is im home alone for the next few weeks since my parents are away on holiday so i have no way of attending my sessions. these feelings of unreality are something ive felt on a vague level for as long as i can remember. now that i think about it they only seem to have intensified upon my parents departure. im not sure why; i dont exactly miss them. but things are so bad. this morning i was too scared to look into the mirror because the person looking back doesnt seem to be me. i feel less like im looking at my reflection and more as though im looking through a window and theres a stranger on the other side mimicking me. i half expected the reflection to start acting by itself; some mary poppins shit you know. or to start talking to me. it terrified me and i had to stop brushing my teeth.

i dont really feel time passing in the same way that i used to. i dont feel as though i have a past or a futrure. all my memories feel like distant dreams that belong to someone else. i dont feel as though any of my possessions belong to me. i feel like they belong to a former self from another life; one thats dead. i really truly just feel like a ghost.

also last night i think i experienced a panic attack. i somehow managed to convince myself that i was in fact dead and that this was the afterlife. shortly after my head starting hurting and i began to get confused and scared and then my face started burning up and sweating, my heart started pounding so fast it felt like it was gonna explode, i tried to move but my body felt so heavy and paralysed, my vision became blurred, my mind was racing and all i can remember is having this feeling of, "this is it. this is the end," as though i was finally going mad or going to die or something. eventually i calmed down though.

all these feelings decrease somewhat when im distracted. particularly if im distracted by interaction with people. i still feel unreal but the fear at least seems to subside. is this typical of depersonalization disorder? and what about my fears of the supernatural? is that a usual symptom? i feel almost as though there is this force all around me. like god i guess. except i feel like its toying with me. i feel like the whole world is just a game or a big trick being played on me. that sounds pretty conceited i realise, but thats how i feel.

anyway thanks for your help. these posts are made more as a means for me to clear my head than anything else. i will obviously need to speak to my psychologist/psychiatrist.


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