# I hit rock bottom, can't imagine a worse and deeper fear than this



## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

It's one thing that I can't comprehend existence, my mind just refuses to process being alive. But it's gone beyond anything imaginable..I feel so trapped in my awareness of existence, that even death isn't an option. I feel so trapped that I am afraid that after I die I will still feel the same, I will still have consciousness and feel trapped, no matter if I am reincarnated in another human being, or in another form, or I will be in another dimension or hell/heaven, I fear consciousness, I feel trapped in awareness and death won't even help me :X I just hit the very bottom of anxiety. I will always be trapped even after I die-that's what I fear. Trapped in this state of mind. Is it really anxiety or am I doomed forever?


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Most people fear death because of the nothingness, I have the opposite absurd fear that there is something and I will continue feeling trapped


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

I'm like you. I don't think we have a *disorder*. Maybe we once had it but now what's left is just *a lot* of anxiety. I feel trapped in my mind. The feeling is so bad that my consciousness feel like a prison that i won't ever be able to escape. I made a lot of googling and this symptom is so common with people experiencing severe anxiety. Also, the act of thinking feels odd. Anxiety can change your perception of the world by increasing your self-awareness of consciousness (then it becomes symptoms of depersonalization, as you start to see things in a very objective and analytical way). For us, it became existential anxiety. We keep seeing or consciousness as a threat because we are scared everytime we realize that we are alive (vicious circle). Not surprising that we feel depressed, hopeless and a lack of emotions/happiness when we feel attacked/in danger 24/7.

We need to stop seeing our consciouness as a threat. We should try to take a moment each day to just lay on the bed and just let our mind think, even if it makes you feel panic. You can put music in the background if it helps you. Take walks EVERY DAY and use all your senses as much as you can, again even if it gives you anxiety.

I think we can all agree that we are not going psycho and that these feelings can't kill you, no matter how bad they are. Before it all started we were feeling ok, so there is no reason that we couldn't feel better again.

I'll see my psychologist tomorrow and i'll talk about this feeling that seems like the root of all my problems.

These are stories similar to ours:

http://anxietynomore.co.uk/blog/2009/03/18/57/

http://www.sound-mind.org/anxiety-depression-scary-obsessive-thoughtsits-all-in-your-head.html#.VSU_YvmG98E


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes,it's not DP anymore, it's beyond that, there are other people hyperaware and afraid of existence but I never stubled upon anyone whose fear is so deep that they are afraid that even death won't help them :X it's just too much. Although I logically know that this is just super severe anxiety and OCD, it doesn't really help to still feel trapped and in despair.


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

What else do you have going on outside of dp? Try taking a trip some place new. I love exploring my city, when I make it back home I have a new perspective


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I am sorry but I really can't see how this will help,no matter where I am at, I am trapped in existence. And in a high state of anxiety travelling is impossible for me.

I don't know what you mean by what else is going on, my life is okey objectively speaking, I didn't suffer any traumas ot child abuse, I just suffer from severe anxiety and ocd and now it's gone beyond imaginable.


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

sunshinita said:


> I am sorry but I really can't see how this will help,no matter where I am at, I am trapped in existence. And in a high state of anxiety travelling is impossible for me.
> 
> I don't know what you mean by what else is going on, my life is okey objectively speaking, I didn't suffer any traumas ot child abuse, I just suffer from severe anxiety and ocd and now it's gone beyond imaginable.


No, I mean, like are you bored? Boredom can make things worse imo


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## nav (Mar 30, 2015)

There is something so poetic in what you said.

It's tragic


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I am reading what I wrote.. it sounds so absurd, but yet it's there. Unbelievable anxiety! As for the boredom, there is nothing to distract me, I feel doomed. Hope these are just obsessive thoughts and they will fade with time. It's been two years though, they are getting deeper and stronger.


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## DeeeP (Mar 18, 2015)

I have the same problem and can't handle this anymore so you're not alone with these thoughts.

I have the same thoughts about death, when I die i want to be in peace I don't want to be reincarnated or answer to anyone but there's a fear that won't happen and I will be trapped with this forever or even worse be brought back to life as myself. I fantasize that death will be the end of this torture and I will escape this never ending hell but have a fear that it won't end.

I know my post doesn't help you at all but at least you know someone relates


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

I feel stuck in DP too, but mainly when Im in public. I have two jobs and they're beyond uncomfortable lol.

Video games help me alot


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## Dpghost (Apr 7, 2015)

I feel the same way only I have a fear of myself and my mind when I think my mind gets paranoid and riddled with anxiety and fear of thinking .. Like why do I think .. Why do I have thoughts but the fear sends my mind haywire and I go in too hell I keep wanting to kill myself but am scared of what happens like do I have this fear still and this paranoia does it just transition or is it all black .. I'm in my deepest hole the anxiety is like living hell literally hell and what ever is beyond that I ask
God every day if there is one why would he make me too feel these things ..


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

It feels like being stuck in a limbo, I just fear that limbo will continue even beyond life, that I won't find peace. It's the ultimate fear, there is nothing more to fear,that's the deepest it can get (for now). Just like Deeep said. Let it be just high anxiety and nothing beyind that.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I feel stuck between dimensions, can't really ground myself. And I fear that after I die I will be stuck between dimension again for eternity,like there is no escape from this stuck feeling,it's a circle of terror.


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## slenderman124 (Dec 26, 2014)

Death is the end of consiousness.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

No one can tell you that for sure.


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## slenderman124 (Dec 26, 2014)

No one can tell for sure that theres not a green elephant in the center of the sun either. From what we know today, there is no reason to believe otherwise.


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## WorkingOnIt (Oct 10, 2014)

I believe slender man is correct. Living our lives buying into thoughts that have no backing is only going to lead to pain. We have to reach a "good enough" point where we trust what we see. Anything else is speculation, and mental masturbation.


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## notna (Nov 10, 2013)

ive been healed from this condition. i had it for 4 month in total and at the peak of it, i can easly say it was the most aweful think i have ever experieneced. i wanted to kill myself instantly to free myself of it. completly unbearable 

But now, reality has become normal for me again. I cant put my finger on what changed, but i dont feel trapped inside realiy anymore.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

May be it was easir when you had it for 4 months, I have ihad it for almost 2 years,it kinda became my way of thinking.


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## notna (Nov 10, 2013)

it also became my way of thinking during 4 month. Do you have this exact kind of "derealisation" since 2 years or did it change? I used to have a different kind in 2013...


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not really derealisation, because everything is real, not dreamlike, I am not detached ir anything, just an existential terror and yes, it does change a little bit with time, the feeling changes a little, from fear of existing it became more like a despair and stuck feeling but I still can't comprehend existence. By existence I don't mean universe or our planet, I mean the whole reality, the physical world, dimension, time,space,a nything...just feels unnatural for anything to exist.


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## notna (Nov 10, 2013)

sunshinita said:


> It's not really derealisation, because everything is real, not dreamlike, I am not detached ir anything, just an existential terror and yes, it does change a little bit with time, the feeling changes a little, from fear of existing it became more like a despair and stuck feeling but I still can't comprehend existence. By existence I don't mean universe or our planet, I mean the whole reality, the physical world, dimension, time,space,a nything...just feels unnatural for anything to exist.


i know exactly what you mean. I dont know what changed exactly, but the mental terror has stopped and i have become more accustomed to reality again. suddenly everything is normal again. But trust me, i have been where you are. i also thought it is not derealisation.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not derealization because I had dr once in 2012 and it wasn't what I feel now, I am not detached, not unreal, teh world is very real, it just doesn't feel right the existence of existence itself


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## BrinksBeTrippin (Mar 26, 2015)

goin through the same shit..... thinking too hard about existance and how it seems so crazy that anything really exists....its really terrifying


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## anxietysucks (Apr 10, 2015)

Hey Sunshinita, firstly you're gorgeous and I am on the same boat as you in terms of this DP stuff.

I related heavily to JAYB's post about being scared of your own thoughts. That is what I am going through right now, I am scared of my own thoughts and just the THOUGHT of thinking makes me panicky. I feel trapped inside my mind and that I will never be able to escape my thoughts, and this makes me feel even more crap because I feel like I will always be trapped in my mind. It makes me feel alone and makes me feel like a prisoner trapped inside of something. Normal thoughts and thinking just makes me panic and that makes me feel like crap knowing that I will never be able to escape.

I was hit with heavy DP and I feel like people around me are just strangers, there is no emotional connection. I recognize everyone in my life, it just feels like I am so distant from them. Even when I'm typing right now, it feels as if I am a robot and that my hands are just typing automatically. I feel out of my body and I know that this is depersonalization.

I've been looking for ways to make this better but I just wanted to let you know a little about what i'm going through. Even after I typed this post I feel like it wasn't me who typed it and that it was just an automation sort of thing.

I feel as if my family and friends are so distant from me and they feel like strangers to me, and that panics me because it makes me feel that I am losing touch with myself. I know that they are my family and freinds, but it just feels weird.

I feel that once you feed your fears, you make the whole situation worse. I tried to let the thoughts/feelings come to my mind and try not to feed them with fears, but sometimes I just relapse.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I can relate to the boredom thing, I am utterly depressed and nothing mundane makes sense to me anymore.

anxietysucks, you are having classic symptoms of dp with the stranger feeling thing and detachment, that is a classic depersonalization and very common symptms that you have, it's nothing strange at all, I had all of them back in 2012 and I recovered from them with meds. But this existential nonsense doesn't go away for 2 years now, my mind just stopped comprehending and processing existence. I can't understand how existence can exist and why, the physical world is so weird ( not detached or unfamiliar, or any dr symptom), it's just weird to exist and uncomfortable in the normal not dr-ed world.


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## anxietysucks (Apr 10, 2015)

I heard 'mindfulness' is a good way to reduce anxiety and depression. I will check it out for myself and for those who are interested try it as well. Nothing to lose so why not.


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

Mindfulness is good, i practice it for about 15 to 30 min a day. Mornings are always the worst. It's like all my anxiety and my weird thoughts hit me all at once.


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## mayathebee (Dec 15, 2014)

sunshita, I feel the EXACT same way. I have literally Googled "how can existence exist"

I feel suich full blown existential terror


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Yess, it's terror, I thought it couldn't get any worse but it did. Last night when I went to sleep and allnight I was dreaming but at the same time I was conscious, it was strange like consciouslty dreaming and it freaked me out, I don't want to be conscious 24/7, sleeping was my safe place,now I am conscious wvwn when I sleep,how can that happen, I was dreaming and at the same time I could feel myself lying in my bed,awwww it's awful, I want a break.


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## anxietysucks (Apr 10, 2015)

JayB, mornings are the worst for me too! I feel as if we are going through the EXACT same thing. The process of thinking anything makes me panic because I feel so separated from my body and I feel trapped. I will try mindfulness.

And Sunshinita, I too want to go to sleep early sometimes just so that my thoughts can take a break as well. Have you read the book "stop obsessing" by Edna Foa? A lot of people found help through that book relating to OCD. The basis of that book talks about accepting the thoughts and the existence of life in general. I know, it's easier said than done. Another person by the name of Dr. Claire Weekes did a great job on explaining exactly was anxiety is, adding fear on top of fear which fuels your anxiety. Do some googling on her and you will learn alot.

I know that it's hard and for me too as well, but just try it out. These are disorders, that means that it is possible to reduce them. I know that it might be even hard to take the time to google the stuff I talked about and I certainly waited a lot and didn't have the motivation to do so myself.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

For what it's worth, try some triple blend echinacea supplements. It may come in a tincture as well. It has 3 types of echinacea ( angustifolia, purpurea and pallida ). Echinacea is normally used to raise your immune system to fight colds and flus but it also has effects on the cb2 receptors in your brain which can cause relaxation. Maybe it can help you sleep better. I know it helps me. But taking just one type of echinacea doesn't do anything. It has to be the triple blend kind. At least it's more natural than taking sleep aids like unisom.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Also, how about thinking about existance like scientists do? It all started with the "big bang" and everything after that is just an evolution of matter and energy...resulting in a gradual cooling and accumulation of atoms. These atoms formed matter after a long while which slowly gave rise to the universe with all it's stars and galaxies and planets...and...us. We and everything else are creations of this big bang. Not that weird at all if you think about it. But how did this big bang start? Where did all this matter that exploded come from? Well, leave that up to the astro physicists to figure out. Or maybe a priest haha. Now shutup and go have a beer and try to be like a kid again and have fun.


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

Im kind of out of ideas though. I wanna recover so badly and move on lol


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

The big bang theory doesn't help, I am not asking questions where are we from. And if I were, nothing would satisfy me because how can anyone explain what happened before big bang, I don't have fear of universe as a space, or planets and this stuff, I have fear from the physical reality and existence of existence, cosnciousness.. I don't care for planets and universes,they are a part of the physical world, but how does the physical reality exist? Everything is weird, having consciousness, people, air, seeing,hearing, thinking... all those stuff are just weird and feel unnatural. No answer can take thsi feeling away from me.

And it's not that I don't sleep, I just remain conscious while I'm sleeping, and that makes me feel like I don't have any break from consciousness and it overwhelms me. I am so obsessed that who knows, may be I sleep normally but I make myself feel my consciousness while I sleep.Or I just can't achieve deep sleep and it scaes me cus sleeping was my only escape.


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## newbie101 (Nov 13, 2014)

Your just extremely overly obsessed with yourself and your condition and you literally will not give ur brain a rest. Once you just let it go and stop CARING ABOUT THE EXTISENTIAL bullshit.. your mind will stop wondering what the answers are. You literally have to be waking up thinking "ah I wonder if I'm going to have existential thoughts today" like. They go away. Just move on.sorry to.be tough about it but like you just complain and moan. I'm 100% recovered ... many people are. Try and give it a rest and be a tiny bit fucking positive. Have a good day man. Ur alive.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, but that's that, people don't get it, I don't have existental *QUESTIONS*. My mind is not searching for answers. I have just a weird sensation, feeling, life is just meaningless and doesn't make sense, consciousness and being human scares me, I don't have questions. And I don't ask myself do I have the thoughts now, will I have them today, it's 24/7 perception problem. I just wake up and feel smashed by the fact that* I EXIST OT ANYTHING EXISTS AT ALL*. People just don't get it.

And Yes, I know that I am obsessed, that's because I have OCD, and you can't just tell someone with ocd to stop obsessing, the feeling is intrusive. And no, it dosedn't go away. I am like this for 2 fuckin* years.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I get it.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

My brain is fairly silent. I don't ask questions.. I can "ignore my thoughts" fairly well.. But I cant ignore what I see. Unless I keep my eyes closed, which would drastically ruin my career.. The world appears foreign and incomprehensible. I can't escape that when its in my field of vision. I can't run around blindfolded... Just like I can't ignore what I feel- which is uncomfortable and baffled by my body and limbs and overall existence.. I don't wake up and say "I wonder if I will think these thoughts". I wake up and FEEL the physical results from those thoughts, however long ago I originally thought them. You say, "have a good day, you're alive" like we still consider it a blessing.. The incomprehensibility of life as a whole, kind of makes life a curse.


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## notna (Nov 10, 2013)

sunshinita said:


> Yes, but that's that, people don't get it, I don't have existental *QUESTIONS*. My mind is not searching for answers. I have just a weird sensation, feeling, life is just meaningless and doesn't make sense, consciousness and being human scares me, I don't have questions. And I don't ask myself do I have the thoughts now, will I have them today, it's 24/7 perception problem. I just wake up and feel smashed by the fact that* I EXIST OT ANYTHING EXISTS AT ALL*. People just don't get it.
> 
> And Yes, I know that I am obsessed, that's because I have OCD, and you can't just tell someone with ocd to stop obsessing, the feeling is intrusive. And no, it dosedn't go away. I am like this for 2 fuckin* years.


I know what hell you are in, because thats where i was too. Its not about exessive thinking, its about being scared of what situation you find yourself in: alive, with a body, in a 3d world... This fact scares the hell out of you. In addition, you cant explain it. What is this all about? How can anything exist at all. It feels like you have awakened to a mystery. this scares the hell out of you.
I dont know how i recovered from this... all i can say that this sensation has disappeared. I dont feel scared anymore, instead i feel at compfort with my sourroundings. I feel normal again. When i was at my worst, I was getting extreme panic attacs, about what i described above, a few times a day, and i was under constant anxiety and this sensation was on my mind 24/7. Its kind of like running into a brick wall over and over again, the brick wall being reality itslef/the unexplainable. because of this, I couldnt do anything and i was just laying in bed for a couple of weeks.

I hope this helps a littlebit.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you, notna. This is how I feel and it ''hurts'' looking at things, like they are too much to handle to my eyes too. I had panic attacks too, they come and go, I can have 3 panic attacks in a day 2 weeks in a roll, then 2-3 weeks wuth no panic attacks, but the feeling lingers, every second. It's good to hear again that you recovered. I am thinking about going back on meds although I really don't want. At least I felt 50% better on them and life was manageable. I just don't like getting fat from them, every time I take antidepressants I gain huge amount of weight.


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

sunshinita said:


> Yes, but that's that, people don't get it, I don't have existental *QUESTIONS*. My mind is not searching for answers. I have just a weird sensation, feeling, life is just meaningless and doesn't make sense, consciousness and being human scares me, I don't have questions. And I don't ask myself do I have the thoughts now, will I have them today, it's 24/7 perception problem. I just wake up and feel smashed by the fact that* I EXIST OT ANYTHING EXISTS AT ALL*. People just don't get it.
> 
> And Yes, I know that I am obsessed, that's because I have OCD, and you can't just tell someone with ocd to stop obsessing, the feeling is intrusive. And no, it dosedn't go away. I am like this for 2 fuckin* years.


I know exactly what you're talking about. But I mostly get that feeling from energy drinks and waking up from taking a nap. That's the heaviest kind of DP there is.


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## anxietysucks (Apr 10, 2015)

I guess you perceive these intrusive thoughts as "threats" and that's why your mind starts to focus on them more and more because it's a threat and wants it to go away. I think that's one reason people with OCD get stuck in the cycle of continuous intrusive thoughts. It's because they take these thoughts as threats. For example, a person with OCD might get a thought as to harm someone. Then they ask themselves, "what's going on? why am i getting these bad thoughts? Am I going to act on it? I will probably act on it in the future!" The mind starts to obsess over this because you are perceiving this thought as a threat. This probably goes the same as to your questions about life.

It probably didn't answer your question but yea. For people without OCD, an intrusive thought doesn't mean much to them and they don't perceive it as a threat and so they just go on with their day and the thought loses its strength. If you keep giving attention to your intrusive thoughts, it's obviously going to increase its strength.

This info is probably already known, but I just want those viewing just to get more of an insight on this. I am sure there's lots of people with intrusive thoughts OCD who are too embarassed to go seek help because they feel as if they will be locked up in a mental institution or are scared that they are psychotic.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

For the 10th time, I don't have questions about life...

Other than that, thank you for the information,it will be useful to people, as for me, they are not just itnrusive thoughts, it's overall feeling that life and consicousness are weird, that's it. No big existential questions.


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

You yourself said you think they may be obsessive thoughts. Are you alone most of the time? Do you have a job, what are your hobbies? I don't mean to pry I just think some background information might help. I saw you mention a reason for not going back to meds is weight gain. There are ways around this, like just eating green's and fruit until you are full. I was overweight from the meds I was taking through my twenties and I finally started dieting and lost it all. It just seems like the anxiety is overwhelming you right now, and mabye meds might be the best solution. I wish I had more advice.

"Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it." Shakti Gawain


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Hey nabber, I work as a part time photographer and I also study in university, I still go out with friends, I don't stay at home cuz it gets worse if I do. As for the weight gain, it doesn't work for me. I didn't change any of my eating habbits and I still gained 40 lbs, no diet worked for me while I was on meds. When I stopped them in October I started metabolic balance program and I am losing weight right now but very very very slowly, my metabolism is almost asleep and it's not the first time. There were 3 times in my life when I was taking antidepressants. And these are the only times I put on huge amount of weight no matter what I ate. It's not that they make me hungrier,they make my metabolism almost non existant. But sometimes I think better to be fat and okey than living in terror. I am considering just trying some other med. SSRi don't work for me, I tried two of them, SNri work to some extend ( Effexor to be more specific ), I was thinking about something like Wellbutrin (Bupropion), of course after consulting with psychiatrist. Another concern is that I am afraid antidepressants will make my anxiety worse in the long run.


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

Have you tried clonazepam? It's the one med that has worked the best for me, and I've been on it for over ten years. "Increase intake of fiber-rich foods such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables. The fiber content of food may help prevent excess weight gain by reducing your appetite."

It just sucks living in constant fear and I've been there. I still get episodes depending on what I'm doing. I guess the major downside of clonazepam is once you've been taking it every day for years it's almost impossible to get off. You've had DP for two years, hopefully you bounce back and fully recover.

You are doing great things in your life , you should be proud of your accomplishments.

I dont know, mabye clonazepam mixed with adderall could speed up your metabolism, and help with focus. You're a beautiful person btw.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you ! Yes, I was taking clonazepam with my antidepressants but just for a month or so because I got addicted to it, it's highly addcitive and dangerous drug, I also had a lot of nightmares because of it. I had hard time getting off it. I stay away from benzos. Also 2 months ago I was taking a very low dose od Xanax just to make me sleep but it made me very tired and I was afraid of addiction again. I was taking it for 2-3 weeks and then when I started tappering off I got panic attacks again,now they subsided but the overall anxiety is a lot stronger. I think I messed up my brain with antidepressants because now it's unable to function properly without them.


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

What do you mean addicted to it? Were you taking more than prescribed? You could try taking Valerian root, it's worth a shot, or gabba, or even gabapentin.. I dont know , I'm not a doctor just trying to help


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Benzodiazepines like clonazepam are highly addicitive even at a low dose, here in Bulgaria you can only buy it with special prescription, not a regular one ( sorry I don't know how it's called in english ) which states that clonazepam contains real drugs in it. Actually it is no longer avaliable here because they took it off the market in Bulgaria. I am now taking Valerian root when I have a panic attack but it doesn't prevent one. My brain i s so complicated that only hard drugs work on it.


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## Parachutes333 (Dec 13, 2010)

do not follow your own assumptions of reality it will lead to darkness. rather read the revelation from the One who created everything and is aware of His creation. This is a clear and simple translation for you. It did put rest and light in my heart and mind and i hope it can help you too.. http://quran.com/


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

You may still be in withdrawal from the benzo's, I'd just make an appointment with your doc/psychiatrist and tell him/her what's going on... You shouldn't be suffering


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

sunshinita said:


> Hey nabber, I work as a part time photographer and I also study in university, I still go out with friends, I don't stay at home cuz it gets worse if I do. As for the weight gain, it doesn't work for me. I didn't change any of my eating habbits and I still gained 40 lbs, no diet worked for me while I was on meds. When I stopped them in October I started metabolic balance program and I am losing weight right now but very very very slowly, my metabolism is almost asleep and it's not the first time. There were 3 times in my life when I was taking antidepressants. And these are the only times I put on huge amount of weight no matter what I ate. It's not that they make me hungrier,they make my metabolism almost non existant. But sometimes I think better to be fat and okey than living in terror. I am considering just trying some other med. SSRi don't work for me, I tried two of them, SNri work to some extend ( Effexor to be more specific ), I was thinking about something like Wellbutrin (Bupropion), of course after consulting with psychiatrist. Another concern is that I am afraid antidepressants will make my anxiety worse in the long run


What gave you DP?

Also, you know how weight loss works right? Calories in vs calories out - you need to track what your eating and have an idea of the calories in each food.

If nothings working increase activity level (walk everywhere possible, do cardio 3x a week) If your metabolism is lagging, lift some weights (srs) it increased mine like mad.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Hmmm, well it almost sounds like you are having a hard time accepting dissociation as being a part of you. Did you always feel this weird feeling about thinking and existing ever since you can remember? Or did it come from your first dp experience. If you never felt like this before dp then somehow you have to accept dp as your temporary normal self. And don't fear it. It isn't dangerous....just very different. Try exercising. It really helps reseting your brain with good blood flow.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Do you mean if I have had it all my life? NO! I have had this symptom from August 2013. Never before. My first dp experience was in 2012 with normal dp stuff like feeling in a dream, unreal,unfamiliar, detached etc. I recovered with meds. Then in 2013 this eixstential thing hit me. I know it's not dangerous but it's so uncomfortable, I feel stuck. Actually it is dangerous, anxiety is dangerous to your health. I have insomnia due to my anxiety and for example the last 3 nights I can't sleep propelry and then it's hard to function the next day. I can't even think of exercising when it's hard to walk my dog after my insomnia nights. Yesterday I took Valerian root before sleep and it did nothing, I was still waking up every hour and today my head hurt all day long. I hope tonight I will be able to sleep cuz I barely function after 3 sleepless nights in a roll.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Mostly scared.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Have you tried any sleep medication? Maybe the lack of sleep is affecting your melatonin levels which also can cause anxiety. You can buy some melatonin drops or tablets from your health store or pharmacy. I think drops (liquid form) is better since you can take very little at first and then increase it slowly.


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## WorkingOnIt (Oct 10, 2014)

I suppose everyone with phobias can't imagine a worst and darker fear. That's what makes it a phobia. It's your worst fears. People can be sexually attracted to door knobs. My therapist has worked with someone like this. Realize the absurdity of all these fears and hopefully they can start to unravel. You are more than a weak being with these creative fears.


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## John77 (Apr 15, 2015)

Dear:

sunshinita and all the rest of you. About hitting rock bottom: I had the exact rock bottom experience of fearing death itself, and the possibility of being trapped in this life, or the afterlife in this pain, while suffering from this horrible disorder for about a year or two. Two pshychiatrists suggested I should be hospitalized. The pain was diagnosed as severe depression and severe anxiety (which can lead to the disorder), along with my severe OCD of intrusive thoughts and patterns. Great news, guess what? I'm cured. I have none of that stuff now. Great news again....why?......because there is no intrusive thoughts. Yes "THOUGHTS". That is the whole disease of this disorder. Simple. I was on the highest dose of meds for the OCD and depression, and another med in a high dose for anxiety. By the way, I don't take any meds now and feel better than ever. This is all under the care of a pshychiatrist who decided to taper me off the meds eventually. Oh I hated doctors and meds, and was soooo stubborn. But the story goes like this: The meds broke up my depression, anxiety, and obsessive thoughts enough to create a new thought pattern. The new brain chemistry with less depression and less of the anxiety pattern of thinking, changed to more happy and positive thinking. My attitude and thoughts changed. My negative "THOUGHTS" went away. And that my friend....is all. The meds eventually started making me real tired....so the doctor started lowering them systematically. My nervous system had cooled down. My perception was back to normal. Things started looking real again....and I remembered who I was deep down inside. I was always somebody with a sense of humor, and have strong faith, I beleive in heaven and good things. I started making fun of my own thoughts....and how fucked up I was during that phase and breakdown I had. A thing of the PAST is what that phase becomes. It was the darkest time in my life....hey fuck it! It's over....I was fucked up. Keep thinking PAST. I just simply tell my family or friends...."I was just going through something" and had depression, like some kind of breakdown. I don't go into details because I don't want to fuck anyone elses head up. I did have therapy....and yes it helped to tell my story....about how I arrived at the breakdown. Remember to explain it to a therapist as a mental breakdown....because that is all it really is. Then try to figure out with the therapist how your mind got altered into this bullshit. I know that it could happen from drug use, but mine occured from prolonged deep thinking and depression for too long. Also panic attacks and anxiety are known by doctors to trigger the bad feelings and perception disorder. That's why the meds I was on helped break the pattern of thinking. Shit...I never had anxiety before I started thinking too deep about all this shit. It's ALL BULLSHIT! BELEIVE ME.....fuck the THOUGHTS. It's all in your mind. Get out and live.. and enjoy life....go and socialize. Get healthy. Go walking in some sunshine, eat some good food, relax, enjoy. Get involved with a creative project....because your probably really creative to start thinking such deep thoughts in the first place. I'm a musician...and I got lost in some fun projects lately that has helped me be me again. And whatever you do....don't constantly dwell on these thoughts. Break the pattern....don't take yourself so seriously.....and guess what....ALL THESE THOUGHTS WILL FADE. YOU WILL FORGET YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS. I almost forgot I had this problem in the past. But I came here today to help. Please ask me, if there are any questions. Yours Truley ... John.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you a lot for yours story  It is good to know that there is hope out there. So let me ask you if I understood everything correctly. Are you saying that meds are the thing that helped you go through this? And if so, what meds did you take? I was on meds and I did feel better but not recovered. Unfortunately, when I stopped them it all came back even stronger, I didn't have your success. But now I went to the point where I can't sleep at night so I am considering going back on meds although I don't really want to.

Another thing is that things look real to me now, I don't have problem with reality as derealization, I don't feel unreal ot something. I just feel stuck being conscious and fear life as it is ( very real ). I am so obsessed with this new perception that I know I am the one 'making' myself not sleep at night. Or if I am lucky and get 2 hours of sleep I feel as if I didn't sleep, as if I was cosncious all the time and that makes me even more anxious because I want a break from consciousness, which sleep provided. Now I am aware even if I sleep-it's so strange I know. The obsession is so deep that even sleep medication didn't help me fall asleep last night ( it did before).

I also have depression, ocd and anxiety, very severe. I am even afraid that meds won't work because it got so severe that I am losing hope.But I will seek help again cuz I can't live like this.

Thank you again and I am looking forward to your answers.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

I still think that prolonged distraction can help you. It definitely sounds like you have a very deep ocd. Try exercise. Like walking on a treadmill at a gym and watching tv at the same time. You force yourself to multi task and it can be very relaxing cuz you let your body take over and listening to other people talk instead of the thoughts in your mind. Also try reading for at least a couple hours at a time. Taking your mind off of your consciousness is key, Plus all that exercise will make you so tired you'll have no trouble sleeping.


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## John77 (Apr 15, 2015)

To:

sunshinita, I tried everything else like exercise and different activities, but in my case....it was such severe OCD and intrusive thoughts like you have, that I had to try medicine to break the pattern of thinking. You have to find a very experienced psychiatrist. The first one I had didn't have a good enough knowledge of the brain chemistry. Besides that, I can tell you that everybody has a different response to different medicines, so you have to be patient. The meds don't have to make you perfect, it just has to initially break the cycle. Example of my case: First I could not sleep well at all, and I was severely depressed and had anxiety all damn day because of these thoughts and feelings. I even had no appetite and lost 30 lbs. Then with the right meds and right doctor.... I started to fall asleep very easily again, started getting my appetite back, so physically I started to feel better. Then mentally the meds worked on my depression which is sometimes just a chemical imbalance, and also the intrusive thoughts is a chemical problem. Eventually I started feeling a little happier and clear headed and the derealization feeling started to fade because I simply had less anxiety and was less depressed, and was sleeping and eating better also. Then this same great doctor began to lower my meds because he analyzed that I was getting better, and the meds were now too heavy for me. The meds were starting to make me too tired, but that was actually a sign that my nervous system was getting better. The initial nervous breakdown that caused this disorder in me was now being cleared up. The "mess" was being cleaned up. Basically all this is....is our mind got messy. It got messed up. That's it. Some people need to stay on medication, maybe at least a low maintenance dose. Some people eventually don't need it anymore. In my case...I needed medicine to get me passed the breakdown. And therapy works better when your thinking clearly....so once I was on meds....then therapy started to help. Just talking about how crazy I was (past tense) with the therapist, with a sense of humor, makes you feel like the bad time is over. Let it be a phase in your life that passed. Like my psychiatrist said .... "this will soon all feel like it was just a bad dream" I don't even like to remember how much pain I was in. But when you are in pain.....you never ever should give up, because every new day is a gift. You may feel great and better than ever soon. My doctor decided eventually the meds did its job in my case, but it was time to taper off to no meds. Then I felt even better when I was done with the meds. I feel better than ever....because my brain appreciates the new clarity with out the meds. It's like....I needed meds to get out of the pain feeling first, and then when the pain passed....I needed to get off the meds that were also starting to make me tired and numb feeling, and to come back to a more clear mind than ever when I finished the meds. That is just my case. Some people just always stay on a lower dose of meds eventually. Don't worry....eventually this will all just pass. Don't think too hard. Just be faithful, and realize this life was given to you to be joyful whenever you could. And bring joy to others....It suppose to feel good.


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

Great post John. I was at my worst when I was living in constant fear with intrusive thoughts. I don't think anyone should have to suffer that way. There is help, and sometimes you need a crutch, that was the point I was trying to make.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

For me when I stop my meds it all comes back. There are two options for me: not taking meds and feel like this forever or taking meds for the rest of my life and feeling a little better. I was twice on meds, once for 10 months, after I stopped them gradually dp came back after 6 months with these new existential symptoms, then I started taking meds again for 11 months I wasn't recovered this time but life was more manageable,I didn't have anxiety anymore just melancholy but it was liveable. I stopped them even more gradually and it all came back in a matter of a week. So for me there is no option to take them just for a matter of time. Either forever, or not at all. My med was Effexor ( SNri) because SSris have zero effect on me. I think I will speak to a psychiatrist agan and try something new like Wellbutrin may be or something else that is not SSri ot SNri.


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## John77 (Apr 15, 2015)

sunshinita, yes you may have to try different meds to stabilize your mind. Usually a good psychiatrist will prescribe a "cocktail" which is two medicines at once. One for anxiety and one for depression. First I went to a regular doctor (not a psychiatrist).... Big mistake. He gave me Klonopin and Lexapro. For me personally....I instantly didn't like Lexapro....because I felt even more spaced out. I was saying... this shit will give me more depersonalization or derealization. Then I stopped it after 5 days...but was still taking Klonopin alone. This was fucked up because you can't be your own doctor. Klonopin was so addicting on the lowest dose...and when it started to leave my system....it left me feeling paranoid as a side effect. Shit...I was so paranoid...that while I was driving to work...I thought I was getting messages from hell on license plates on other cars. Nah...that was just me having a breakdown...and having a very creative mind. It's my musician's mind. Being paranoid was not helping...fuck that I said at that point...I need help...and need a real psychiatrist. Not to mention...I needed a professional to safely get me off Klonopin. I remember calling on the phone a psychiatrist that I had seen maybe twice in person....and I told her I am having an insomnia episode...she said maybe you should go to a hospital now. "Not sleeping is very bad" she said. Now that I look back on it...maybe I should have went to hospital to get me off Klonopin. There is no shame in that. If this happened today...I would gladly go to the hospital for help. But back then I was stubborn and distorted. Getting a brand new phsychiatrist was the best decision of my life....because my mistake of trying to be my own doctor...left me paranoid, addicted to Klonopin, and I even had insomnia...I did this all while I was working full time. And get this....as a teacher, yes I am a physical education teacher, and health teacher. So I knew when something was seriously fucked up with my body and mind. I was shaking in the bathroom one day...looking in the mirror, holding myself up on the sink...saying ..."don't die...don't die....don't give up". I was going to make it! So then eventually I was referred to a good psychiatrist by a friend who was diagnosed with psychosis who used this psychiatrist his whole life. The first thing the psychiatrist did was give me surveys and evaluated me for depression and anxiety. I had horrible extreme results....but guess what....the first thing he said is your not psychotic. But he said I am very depressed and have OCD. I said what about my depersonalization or derealization? He said that is just a symptom from anxiety. This whole existential head fuck was from anxiety....yep. And depression...and deep thinking and obsessive thoughts of course. Then he said .... if I don't start his new medicine right away, then I will remain in this chemically depressed state. So even though I did not trust him, doctors, therapists, or any medication for this problem....because I like natural things...I still submitted to him at this point and trusted his 30 years of experience and great internet reviews. Hey...I already felt so helpless....I had nothing to lose...so I just listened to his directions. He figured out my brain, and what medication I needed in minutes. And it worked. Zoloft for depression and Zyprexa for anxiety and delusions actually. Zoloft takes 3 weeks...and of course it made me feel spaced out at first....but I trusted the doctor when he said my brain and body will adjust in 3 weeks. I called the doctor and said but I feel kind of spaced out, or my vision was a little off, or i was a little light headed, but he reassured me and...he kept telling me I will be fine soon, and I will adjust. So even though I wanted to stop taking it....I trusted him. And then....in 3 weeks...boom...I started feeling different. Better. First thing I said to my mother on the phone was....man was I fucked up this past year. I was really sick...I was acting crazy. Boy was I sick. She laughed because of the way I said it. So now I knew my sense of humor was coming back also. Good sign. It was the first good sign for me that my mind and thoughts were turning around realizing how crazy and useless my thoughts were. I said to myself...I'm going to stop thinking too hard. The medicine was good, but the doctor had to keep raising it for me until I was on the right dose, because I was still breaking down here and there. At one point he even said....want to try the mental hospital? I said no...I am going to be fine. Actually the first night that I took the Zyprexa...I fell right to sleep. It over-rided the Klonpin and took right over and got me off Klonopin fast. Zyprexa is very strong and worked right away... it didn't take 3 weeks. Usually its the depression med that takes 3 weeks, because your building up levels including seratonin (feel good chemicals). Anyway....a couple of months passed...and I was doing alright...but very tired from these very high doses of meds. Then the doctor said....oh...it's time to start lowering the Zyprexa...and get you off it little by little...until your just taking Zoloft. Then about a year and a half later after all the therapy and meds....I was just ready to move on. I still go to therapy sometimes. It's just something I got comfortable with. I talk about regular things now....I hardly talk about this episode anymore. I mention it sometimes in therapy...but it becomes a thing of the past. Kind of putting it behind me for good. Accept here....here I want to help people and give people hope. So I will go deeper into details for all of you. I have some crazy crazy stories about my episodes with depersonalization. But they are funny to me also....because of my sense of humor. Now here is another great tip.....start laughing at yourself and your thoughts or even scream at them to shut the fuck up! This will help....if you do it in a funny way. It's more fun than reacting in pain all the time. Have more fun. Anyway back to the Zoloft....the doctor started lowering my Zoloft as well because I was getting better and better. So all this was a process until I felt like a new person. Basically...the meds....is a vacation for your mind...and then you return peacefully if you get the right meds and doctor. Me personally....I am feeling even better without the meds now....but I still needed that "vacation" for my mind. Some people do need to stay on whatever meds are working for them, and they never stop taking them. Or sometimes they just stay on a lower dose. It all depends. Just find and trust a good psychiatrist.  And please try to laugh...and enjoy the fact that this could all be a thing of the passed already.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Thank you for your stor, I appreciate your help very much 

As for me I wasn't self medicating, a psychiatrist put me on meds 2 times but I think it was a mistake to keep taking them only for a year, I should have stayed on them more. In the beginning I was taking a cocktail as well. I remember taking rivotril ( clonazepam) I think klonopin is the same thing. It gave me very bad nightmares and vivid dreams, my psychiatrist switched it to xanax which makes me feel like poo. And the antidepressant was Effexor. I also remember trying Seroquel which worked very good but I had very bad side effects because it's a psychotic drug not an antianxiety drug.Eventually I was taking just Effexor. It cured my first DP episode but 6 months after I stopped taking it it came back in another form,I am not even sure it's DP right now, it's OCD existential madness. I was put on Effexor again it helped just 50% this time but I discontinued it because I was getting very fat from it. That's my problem with antidepressants, they make my metabolism non existant. I can be on a diet and move a lot I will still gain weight while on them.So calories in and calories out doesn't work for me when my metabolism is *ucked up. But now I am considering going to another psychiatrist but here in Bulgaria there aren't many that are good. My current therapist lives in Russia and we contact each other via skype video chat. She also thinks that I need meds to stabilize me because it's hard to work with me when I am in this state.

Now I am afraid that it's too late for me and that even meds won't help me,cuz I've been meds free since October


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## John77 (Apr 15, 2015)

Ok, I hear what your saying about the meds stopping your metabolism....your right, certain meds, not all do that. Mine unfortunately did also....remember I said I lost 30 pounds from being depressed? I gained 50 pounds back from the Zoloft. But I was much happier mentally. But not with the weight. I have been going to the gym my whole life. So I know what I am doing...I used to be a personal trainer lol. So now...I am losing the weight again happily in the gym and with diet. But when I was on the meds....wow...was my metabolism stubborn. It was stuck. I think I'm in a energetic mood now because I been through the entire cycle....and now I get to work on my body and lose the weight. Something to look forward to I guess.  I think you may need the low stabilizing dose of meds that works for you, and does not make you gain weight. Then therapy while your focused and stable. Maybe Effexor was good for you...but a lower dose. And yes (clonazepam) is the generic name for Klonopin. It did give me vivid dreams. All kinds of shit. I think I got more delusional. It is probably better for those that suffer panic attacks or have a panic disorder....but I am not a doctor. Everybody's mind works differently. Experiment with a new psychiatrist....and ask what medicine is better for not gaining weight. Don't worry if you gain a little weight, if your feeling good from the medicine, it's worth it. Besides you probably think too much about your weight like everything else, and look good either way.


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