# My story with K2 and Depersonalization Disorder. Any advice?



## Woahwhat (Jan 18, 2011)

Hmmm... Where to start? I'm 19. Erik. New Jersey. Trashy town. lol

I'm just going to spit it out. Probably the least interesting post you will ever read. But feedback is highly appreciated. I smoked weed for the first time when i was 17. I was crying. I laughed here and there and first but than began crying because the feelings were surreal and scary. That night i said I'd never smoke again.

About a year later I started dating this boy whom which I've fallen madly in love with. We went to a few parties here and there and smoked weed maybe once or twice. But not a lot. And with a few months in between. My boyfriend I broke up because he cheated on me with three other guys. Two weeks later I thought it would be a good idea to smoke weed with an old friend. BAD FUCKIN IDEA. So.

I had a psychotic episode. Hallucinating, ran inside my HOUSE woke my family up screaming and crying and hospital came and took me away in a stretcher woke up in a mental hospital stayed there for 5 days and felt OKAY. The doctors and therapists there did tell me to remember one thing, do not smoke weed again. It's not for me. I can hurt myself if i continue smoking weed.

I didnt listen to them. 2-3 weeks later got back together with my boy. i started smoking again. In fact, I started smoking weed for the next 8 months straight. Anything I could do to get high. Stole money spent hundreds of dollars in a couple day span just to get my hands on this shit. Never had another panic attack. Never had another bad trip. Everything was great. In fact, I describe those 8 months of my life as some of the greatest months of my life. Kept a full time job. Always happy. Possibly manic but hey i was happy. lol

8 months later, it is November. Everyone in the area is dry. It was strange. Because in New Jersey.... theres a drug dealer on every block. lol so i went to a porn shop and bought this synthetic stuff called K2. I began smoking it a few times a day. Nothing out of the ordinary. It got me high. I didnt have to deal with the outside world so I was quite happy.

Then the nightmare begins. My boyfriend and I one night are smoking the very last of the K2. It was only dust. I felt pretty okay for a minute or two. Then my heart started pounding. I got really scared. Everyone looked like it was drawn. Like a cartoon. A pop up book. Went inside. Had a seizure. Drank some water. Thought I was going to die that night. Thought about things I've NEVER thought about in my life. Didn't cry though which is insane. Because I was so scared. Never been that frightened in my entire life. I really thought I was saying goodbye to my beautiful life.

We fell asleep. I woke up two hours later for work. Went into work... Starbucks -shoot myself- lol, and realized that the high never went away. Looked around me. I'd look left to right and it seemed like my eyes were taking pictures. Nothing ran smooth. My head was foggy. I knew something wasnt right. I had a customer. They scared me and i got really paranoid. I started panicking and thought maybe I died and never woke up. Everything felt like a dream.

I went home. Cried all day. In a couple of a days I went to the hospital for constant panic attacks. I explained to them what happened and those fuckin tarts told me, 'well just dont smoke anymore and give it time YOURE FINE'.

The next month im still panicky and paranoid. Im not hearing things or seeing things. but my outside world scares me. Derealization. Nothing seems real. I dont feel real. Things that were once familiar are now deemed unfamiliar and foreign. Fuzzy vision. Static. I look at a tree and it creates panic because I know its a tree and i KNOW thats what a tree looks like but something is different. Everything has lost its emotional color. I think this is what bothers me the most that my vision is and perception is so fucked up.

I feel different from everyone else. Everyone seems so intact with their identity, their thoughts, their dreams and who they are. But I dont. I feel different. I dont really know who I am anymore. I sometimes wonder if I died and this is hell. But it cannot be.

I dont feel like my thoughts belong to me. I feel like they belong to someone else. I have conversations in my head all the time. Contemplating my reality. Asking ridiculous questions. Bizarre thoughts and thinking patterns. Who am i? What happened to Erik? Where is he?

People say I seem fine but i am not.

I've been seeing my psychologist since I was 5. We're very close. He's actually seen my three older siblings and my mom. He's a wonderful guy. He says i have drug induced depersonalization. My psychiatrist told me the same thing. They both actually said it will take 6-9 months to even a YEAR to get better. I wonder where they got this information from. Because I havent seen any improvement at ALL.

I've been on medication. ENOUGH medication. Stopped two months ago. Nothing helped. Medication actually made me feel worse. Made me feel more numb.

I feel like the ocean is a fish bowl. It scares me to look at it. It's too big. It's too big but at the same time it is also very small. Shit like this consumes my mind, followed by paranoia.

I feel like there is a glass wall in front of me. Or plastic that wraps around me. I can't break this wall and I want to so bad. I want to be the way I was. I remember I used to sing and act and paint and laugh and cry and love. But now I do not.

Why are things so unreal? 8 months later I still dont feel better.

I went to a party the other night and this girl majors in psychiatry. She told me I will NEVER get better and that there is nothing I can do. Why would she say that? Is it true? Do doctors and websites and books LIE to make us feel better? I cant imagine feeling better.

I want to be myself again. I want to start working again. I want to start singing and pursue my career as an artist. I want to do things again. I want to be real and I want my outside world to feel and look real.

If I find out that there is nothing I can do to feel better. If I find out I am stuck like this then you wont hear from me again. (well then again im too fuckin stubborn to kill myself, for real lol)

I hate this. SO FUCKING MUCH. AND NOBODY AROUND ME UNDERSTANDS AT ALL.

According to everyone, its not a valid excuse for not working or not doing things. I'm sorry but when you are depersonalized you do not feel like doing ANYTHING except being overly introspective and philosophical. YUP.

Well, that's me at least.

And when I say things dont seem real around me. I mean, I live in a fuckin dream. Okay, smoke ten bowls throw a shot of everclear in your eyes and you'll feel how i feel everyday. NOTHING IS REAL. I just dont feel like my friends or family understand at all. Except my doctors but they can't even tell me WHY i feel this way OR WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT EXCEPT WAIT.

Oh, and what makes me feel better is... This wasn't weed. This was K2. Nobody knows what the hell in that shit lol

My memory is fried and I cant remember anything. You know how you're really blazed and you're having a conversation with someone and you completely FORGET what was being said, FOLLOWED UP BY A FEW LAUGHS. Well thats me every single day, except replace that laughter with PARANOIA.

I just want friends who understand what I'm going through. I guess I also want to hear that I will get better =/ and that some day I will go back to normal Erik.

I know theres a clinic in New York for this shit and I want to get involved. I have good health insurance and I want to get better. Does anyone know anything about this? PLEASE RESPOND I know this is long but I am on the edge..... and by edge i dont mean the edge of glory lol

- Erik


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Any advice? yeah...don't do ANYMORE drugs.

It's not your fault that your in this position but listen to what I'm saying...DONT...DO...ANYMORE...DRUGS. Especially when someone says your the type of person that can't handle them.


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## Woahwhat (Jan 18, 2011)

Jayd said:


> Any advice? yeah...don't do ANYMORE drugs.
> 
> It's not your fault that your in this position but listen to what I'm saying...DONT...DO...ANYMORE...DRUGS. Especially when someone says your the type of person that can't handle them.


Trust me. I've been completely clean for 8 months. I'm never doing drugs again! EVER.


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## dpblake (Mar 28, 2011)

Woahwhat said:


> Hmmm... Where to start? I'm 19. Erik. New Jersey. Trashy town. lol
> 
> I'm just going to spit it out. Probably the least interesting post you will ever read. But feedback is highly appreciated. I smoked weed for the first time when i was 17. I was crying. I laughed here and there and first but than began crying because the feelings were surreal and scary. That night i said I'd never smoke again.
> 
> ...


I can definitely relate. My DP was triggered by K2 last summer. I can still vividly remember the feeling creep over me 3 minutes after lighting up. It was an eery/ sinister feeling that I had never experienced before in a "cannabis" high. It sent me into a headspace that was so terrifying that I can hardly remember the details. It was like being tormented and attacked by some dark force that took over my consciousness and brought me to a level of awareness that was so profoundly horrifying I can't really even remember what it was like.

The next morning I woke up and have never been the same since. It was like waking up in a completely different, yet parallel universe. Everything was the same yet, so so different. Everything became terrifying to me. I questioned reality, questioned my memories. I was so far lost, in fact, that I continued smoking until December. I continued having the same nightmare every time I smoked and the DP only got worse and worse.

After a complete psychotic break during a high (visual and auditory hallucinations), I was able to part ways with smoking. Since then I have slowly seen progress and feel that I am rational again. I did not realize such a thing as "DP" existed until after I quit smoking so during that time I either thought- A. Everything is fake/ I am trapped in some terrible, twisted game or B. The world is real and I had completely lost my mind (and my life is over).

Once I was able to stop smoking and discovered "DP" I saw a window of hope.

I still experience DP/DR everyday but no where near as bad as before. I'm still seeing improvement. I cannot stress how important it is to first- quit any and all drug use if you have any desire to come back to reality. For awhile I did not realize what was happening to me and therefore continued drug use. This means stop drinking if possible (also makes DR worse and slows recovery).

You CAN get better. I am not saying you WILL because it is honestly up to you. DP forces you to completely change your lifestyle and adopt healthier patterns. For me this meant no substance, 8 hours sleep every night, exercise, intentionality with social life and responsibilities. It will be different with everyone but you will only see improvement once you started taking the steps yourself.

I imagine that once I am fully recovered I will be a much, much better person for it, than I was before. Its forcing me to face immaturities and complacencies in my life that I have neglected since adolescence.

Best of luck in your journey.


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

You're homoxexual?


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## UniversalShape1 (Nov 22, 2010)

Do NOT smoke K2

That shit can kill you,cmon people synthetic weed ? cmon porn shop ? lets try to use some common sense from now, there is no synthetic weed it's just poison and i can't believe you had a psychotic break from regular weed don't smoke anymore please not good.


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## Woahwhat (Jan 18, 2011)

dpblake said:


> I can definitely relate. My DP was triggered by K2 last summer. I can still vividly remember the feeling creep over me 3 minutes after lighting up. It was an eery/ sinister feeling that I had never experienced before in a "cannabis" high. It sent me into a headspace that was so terrifying that I can hardly remember the details. It was like being tormented and attacked by some dark force that took over my consciousness and brought me to a level of awareness that was so profoundly horrifying I can't really even remember what it was like.
> 
> The next morning I woke up and have never been the same since. It was like waking up in a completely different, yet parallel universe. Everything was the same yet, so so different. Everything became terrifying to me. I questioned reality, questioned my memories. I was so far lost, in fact, that I continued smoking until December. I continued having the same nightmare every time I smoked and the DP only got worse and worse.
> 
> ...


Thanks for a kind and helpful response.


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## Woahwhat (Jan 18, 2011)

Aridity said:


> You're homoxexual?


Yes I certainly am.


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## Woahwhat (Jan 18, 2011)

UniversalShape1 said:


> Do NOT smoke K2
> 
> That shit can kill you,cmon people synthetic weed ? cmon porn shop ? lets try to use some common sense from now, there is no synthetic weed it's just poison and i can't believe you had a psychotic break from regular weed don't smoke anymore please not good.


Yeah, it was a bad mistake. Yes, a psychotic break from weed. You didn't think that could happen?


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## Guest (Jun 28, 2011)

UniversalShape1 said:


> Do NOT smoke K2
> 
> That shit can kill you,cmon people synthetic weed ? cmon porn shop ? lets try to use some common sense from now, there is no synthetic weed it's just poison and i can't believe you had a psychotic break from regular weed don't smoke anymore please not good.


THANK YOU *UniversalShape!*

Never having a rec drug and being old enough to be everyone's mother here, this scares me to death. So many of you come here with serious problems taking uncontrolled substances. And even when they make you feel awful you continue.

I didn't even know what this stuff was until I Googled it, and it is DANGEROUS. I saw an online site to purchase this stuff -- it should be a crime. There have NEVER been controlled tests on humans, and the mice they test ... well they put them to sleep after they give them this garbage!

And as always ... this is a DRUG. It is not an "alternative to weed." See the article below re: the guy who invented it -- synthesized the THC and added a bunch of unknown chemicals to the mix. I can't believe this is legal in some places.

I had DP as a child and NOW -- though I'm much improved -- I wouldn't touch ANY of this stuff with a 50 foot pole. Why in God's name do young people play with fire like this. I didn't do this as a kid. Perhaps it's where I grew up and who I hung out with, but I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER mess with something like this. And as someone noted ... *someone will purchase this from a PORN SHOP, but folks here will not purchase a medication at a pharmacy. Toxicity of a drug is the first step in phramaceutical testing. This stuff is indeed poison.* I DON'T UNDERSTAND. A drug is a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug.

STOP. This causes problems in healthy and non mentally health people. I'm just stunned.

See this article from 2010 ... I Googled enough to get a sense of this, but I have to read more of it.
I'm sad I have no children, but I see why my friend's parents have made a HUGE effort to teach their kids not to experiment with drugs or any kind -- where, as I say, were probably cooked up in someone's basement and full of all sorts of "fillers" to make more profit. And people complain about Big Pharma? I'm not a fan of the Pharma companies... but at least you get a list of side effects and interactions on the darned bottle or from a pamphlet or hopefully from your doctor. And I never said doctors were genius' but GOOD GOD.

*Children's Health
Fake Weed, Real Drug: K2 Causing Hallucinations in Teens*

*Read more: *http://www.foxnews.com/health/2010/03/04/fake-weed-real-drug-k-causing-hallucinations-teens#ixzz1QaJ3OZAe

From the article ....

"Both Scalzo and Huffman agree the drug is dangerous.

*Further testing is needed, but Scalzo says the symptoms, such as fast heart beat, dangerously elevated blood pressure, pale skin and vomiting suggest that K2 is affecting the cardiovascular system of users. It also is believed to affect the central nervous system, causing severe, potentially life-threatening hallucinations and, in some cases, seizures.*

*"It's like playing Russian roulette. You don't know what it's going to do to you,"* Huffman said. "You're a potential winner of a Darwin award," referring to the tongue-in-cheek awards given to people who "do a service to humanity by removing themselves from the gene pool."

In addition to the compound being made without strict quality control or any regulation, as far as anyone knows, the compound itself has never been tested on humans. And *when it was tested on mice, Huffman said, the animals were euthanized at the end of the experiment*, so scientists don't even know how it affects mice long-term. "And mice are not humans," Huffman said.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2010/03/04/fake-weed-real-drug-k-causing-hallucinations-teens#ixzz1QaIzPHq8

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I don't understand this, except young people are more impulsive and feel invincible.
I also would say recreational drug induced mental health symptoms are indeed different from non drug induced. I don't think anyone can guess the long term effects. I'm damned glad I had asthma as a kid and never smoked a cigarette! You don't have to hang out with people that do this.

This makes me so sad, and so afraid for this generation.


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## Guest (Jun 28, 2011)

Aridity said:


> You're homoxexual?


Curious what this question has to do with anything.


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## NicoleMariah (Mar 16, 2013)

I was wondering how you are doing and how you delt with this?

Because i to had a horrible trip just like yours and i am not living because i am scared of everything in the world. I did not get to finish your story because it was making my heart jump and stomach drop because how alike your story is to mine.

I am on medication that is not fully helping and heading to a clinic to get diagnosed for stuff other than drug induced psychosis and to get mor medication. I really want to know how you delt with this because i have not met one other person yet that has had this happen to them before  please respond or message me [email protected]


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