# Excluded from my own consciousness



## Hibou (Oct 25, 2014)

Hi guys !
I'm a french 25 years old guy, and my attempt to understand what happen in my body and my psyche conduced me to this forum. Firstly, I will describe the background of my DP/DR, which is highly connected to anxiety and panic disorders.

I always be an anxious guy, but I only now realise it. Two years ago, I have been hired as a librarian in my hometown. I was not really pleased to quit the South of France where I studied for two years and had the best moments of my life. Beyond that, it was particularly difficult to return to an area where I had no friends anymore. Since that, the situation has deteriorated. I had relationship problems with my superior and lost the pleasure to continue a career that I had chosen. I also neglected my personnal life because I was certain that I will find a job elsewhere quickly... And I am trapped today.

In January I had my first panic attack by ingesting some cannabis chocolate. I was certain that I was dying from an heart attack. I stand for hours waiting in the hospital with no one to assure me that I was not dying. They gave me some medication and they did an ECG. I had some hallucinations and heard my parents and my little sister crying. When my rythm started to slow, I quit the hospital without understand what happened and walked by my house alone in the night. In this first period, I had some heart palpitations and was really exausted for one week. Then, it disappeared and I never tried to talk to a doctor, psychologist or cardiologist to reassure me. I was so happy to regain my health.

One night, in July, I was woken up by a strange state of mind, like a night terror, and I felt heart palpitations again. I had several panic-attacks during a few weeks, with heartache and fainting episodes. I felt everyday tensions in my harms, and I was enable to concentrate. I began to imagine several illnesses (heart attacks, hyper-tension, apoplexy...). I return to the hospital one night, and after a sudden weakness at the office, my parents brought me to a duty doctor. The visit reassured me at the first time, and all my symptoms vanished during the week-end. The doctor told me that I was probably suffiring from anxiety, and a blood test + a visit to the cardiologist was programed.

But quickly the symptoms reappeared, and before the result of the differents analysis I was in a permanent state of anxiety. The panic-attacks returned and after a terrible week-end, I decided to begin a therapy. It helped me a lot, even if my therapist was too focused on resolving past problems and was not into a behavioral perspective. I learned some relaxation techniques, practiced sports every day (jogging and swimming), pay attention to my habits (stop cigarette, reduce alcohol, sleep at set times, balanced diet...). The anxiety doesn't disappeared, but the panic-attacks does. I felt just some tension in my jaw, but doesn't really care.

Violently, this fragile balance vanished in a few hours. I intended to go to the swimming-pool that night, even if I was feeling kind of bizarre and depressed. I swimmed slowly and was unable to forget this bizarre feeling. I started so to swim like crazy, out and under the water and felt at a precise moment that I was lacking oxygene. I felt dizzy for a long moment and the sensation of my legs in the water was very strange, even the swimming-pool noises appeared distant. I was swimming but unable to say if I was feeling the efforts of my muscles or if I was risking to drown. I quitted the swimming-pool. The rain was falling, it was dark. Everything felt like a nightmare. I went directly to the cinema to clear my thougths. It worked for the rest of the night and was thinking of an hyperventilation effect.

The next day, the sensation reappeared, and the others day it increased. I feels now like I am in a dream, especially when I'm surrounding by people or in a conversation with somebody. It is as through I am on the verge of panic attack in theses situations and I have to quit my office several times a day (I work on a library with a lot of frequentation) to get a grip on myself. The most horrible is the questionning about my thoughts : I have this impression that every thoughts I have is the creation of my brain and body and that my consciousness has no control on that. Like when you are dreaming and seeing you acting, talking and thinking with an external point of view and, at the same time, living in your body. I use to be an introspective guy, and my thoughts, my reflections, my imagination are like a sanctuary in critical time. It is so difficult to feel excluded from my own consciousness. I have also this terrible fear to fall asleep because of the state of hypnagogia, when your are still conscient and having these absurd thoughts and images that you cannot control. During panic-attacks my first worry is to lose control of myself and acting like crazy, having psychotic episode, insulting somebody...

I manage to live and act normally but I fear to lose my friend because I can't lie to them, and say that I have a great moment with them when I feel like a robot who is falsely laughing and interact with them. I feel also very very tired all the time, and have difficulties to understand what happened around me. Sometime movements are going so fast, I feel like living in an over dimension of time.

My plans ? Continue my therapy, pratice sport, work even if I don't feel involved in anything. Ideally find a work in a larger city, with therapists specialised in panic disorder.

This is my story, and hope you will understand it despite my low english.


----------



## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

Welcome to the site!

I'm glad you have plans set out for yourself, I hope you achieve them. Therapy, sports, and work can be incredibly beneficial, especially when dealing with this disorder. I wish you luck and hope this community can benefit you through recovery! Cheers!


----------



## Hibou (Oct 25, 2014)

Thanks  !

@SolomonOrlando : Even if I'm struggling with feelings of despair sometimes, I'm trying to keep a strong attitude, remembering that every state of mind is temporary and that it could be helpful for my recovery !


----------

