# Is this Depersonalization or something else? Psychosis? Catatonia?



## Guest

What is it called when you don't feel alive anymore?
When you feel like a zombie? when you look in the mirror and get scared because you can't recognize the person looking back at you? when you are numb? when you feel like someone else is controlling your movements and thoughts? You do everything normally, but your not doing it. t feels like someone else is. Does this have a name? I know I should ask a doctor and i will, but what do you think it is?

Ok so let me put it this way. This is a question i asked somewhere else. I'd like to know if part of this sounds like DP and which part: 
---"I am not real. I mean I am, but I don't feel like I am. I feel like..someone else is controlling my body and thoughts. I look in the mirror and yes I see me, but I can't recognize myself. I know it's me but that face doesn't look familiar. I can't recognize my family. I know who they are. I talk to them like I'm ok. I do things like theres nothing wrong with me. It's weird. There is something wrong with me. I feel it, but I don't show it. I do have depersonalization/derealization. I also see things. Transparent/see through/glowy things. Glowy see through spirt-ish faces of animals or objects. I know they're fake, but I still see them. Yeah its probably schizophrenia. It's scary sometimes, but that's the least of my problems. Nothing feels real. This has been going on for a few months now. I've been in a psychiatric hospital and it didn't go to well. I've done what my psychologist has told me to do. Nothing seems to be working. The medications don't work either. Sometimes I think&#8230;what if this is life. What if I'm supposed to feel this way. But a year ago I didn't feel fake. I don't know me at all. My mind&#8230;its not mine. It's numb and someone else is making me do things. Sometimes I just wanna bang my head against the wall (but I don't). It's terrible. I never have a moment of peace. I can't just be me for like 5 seconds. I don't even know me. Yes, I am a teenager and a lot of people for some strange reason think this is normal&#8230;.uhhh no&#8230;no it's really not. I can get "trying to find yourself", but this is BEYOND that. I've researched a lot of disorders and none of them seem to match. I will be seeing my new psychiatrist soon. I'm not even sure how to explain this to him without under exaggerating it and making it seem typical, because it's not. It's hard for me to even type this. Like ok&#8230;I can type it. I know what I'm typing . I know what I wanna say. I'm doing it, but it's like I can't control what I'm doing. My brain is full. I never get much sleep at night. That might be PART of the problem but not that whole thing. I do get my 8 hours though during the day. Whenever I try to sleep at night and close my eyes my entire brain gets full. All these weird random thoughts rush to my head. I'll be thinking about something. I close my eyes. Try to sleep and BAM a bunch of random thoughts jump into my head and get me confused. I then wake up/open my eyes and everything is disoriented. My heart is racing. Nothing makes sense. Nothing registers. I forget who/where I am even more. I don't know if that's a panic attack or something else, but I swear to god it happens every single night when I try to sleep. I eventually just get REALLY tired and fall asleep around 5am. If I don't sleep all day my derealization gets pretty bad. I don't even wanna try anymore. Anyways everyday I wake up at about 3pm. There goes my whole day. Fine. Whatever. No big deal. I do get lonely sometimes though. I don't have any friends and my family and I don't get along very well. They're all well&#8230;mean and crazy. My mom is nice sometimes. Other times shes really mean. She tries to understand what I'm going through but gets annoyed and stressed or whatever. My siblings&#8230;well&#8230;oens a pervert (hes 11), ones a jerk (16), one ignores me (27), and the other one doesn't stop yelling. She's so dramatic and sensitive. (shes 32) I feel very neglected by everyone. My father is in jail. I don't remember him too much. I have memories of him, but I can't tell if they're real or false. I do know that he did very bad things. Some things I'm sure about. Others I'm not. He was a bad person. He's getting out of jail soon. (in like a month) He's gone all christian now. He loves Jesus and blah blah blah blah. Yeah right. He'll probably forget about Jesus after he gets out and go back to doing more stupid things. Me personally&#8230;I'm not religious at all. Clearly since I have a very nihilistic view of life. I don't know if I should call the nihlism a belief. It's most likely from the derealization or something. See&#8230;.I don't know anymore. I mean like&#8230;I don't know which "symptoms" are normal and which are from my mental disorders. I seriously would like to know if there is even a mental disorder to describes how I'm feeling. Like I said depersonalization is the only thing I got right now, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. Biggest problem- Not being me. I do normal things like I'm fine and in control of my own body, but like I said I'm not. It's not me. My brain is like&#8230;clogged or something and my memories are all messed up. I feel unfixable. Doctors have been trying to fix me for over a year. I don't think it's any physical issues. I've had my hormones, and brain checked and all that other stuff. I mean&#8230;I'm looking around my room right now&#8230;everyone's so cartoon-ish and unfamiliar. Me? Right now&#8230;I'm numb. I'm dead. I don't know what to do anymore. That was the best explanation I could give. It's much worse that it sounds. I don't want to spend my whole like in a psychiatric hospital. I just wanna be normal and have a life. I can't have one until I get better. Please don't tell me to go out and make friends and get out of the house. Yeah..uh&#8230;..tried that. I'm incapable of keeping friends. I myself am very sensitive and dramatic like my sister. I'm also very mean sometimes. I can't help it. If I put a pen to a piece of paper right now my hand would move by itself. Like I know I'm drawing, but I don't feel it. I don't pay attention to it. It just happens. The drawing comes out fine, but it won't feel like I drew it. It just happened. It's like it drew itself. That's how everything feels. Like it got done by itself. Like I'm not doing anything. Um I also stare into space sometimes. For a few seconds. Kind of like an absence seizure, but I'm pretty sure its not. When I sit down sometimes I'll rock back and forth. I can't help it. I feel alone. I know other people have similar problems, but surely they couldn't be as bad as mine. I think I'd rather have cancer or some type of bad physical disease than have this. I'd AT LEAST like to feel real or feel like me. Feel like a human rather that a robot or something. Uh that's the best I could do. Yeah. Thanks. There are probably some spelling errors. Sorry about that.

It gets worse every single day. I don't know what to do----"

im 14. thanks a bunch! im new to this. so I dont know if ur supposed to ask for advice or what. uh thanks


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## insaticiable

kandeeee said:


> What is it called when you don't feel alive anymore?
> When you feel like a zombie? when you look in the mirror and get scared because you can't recognize the person looking back at you? when you are numb? when you feel like someone else is controlling your movements and thoughts? You do everything normally, but your not doing it. t feels like someone else is. Does this have a name? I know I should ask a doctor and i will, but what do you think it is?


Yes, this does have a name. It's called Depersonalization. Everything you are describing seems to fit under the category of DP. I, too, suffer from many of the same symptoms. It's terrible. But welcome to the forum!


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## Guest

insaticiable said:


> Yes, this does have a name. It's called Depersonalization. Everything you are describing seems to fit under the category of DP. I, too, suffer from many of the same symptoms. It's terrible. But welcome to the forum!


So you're telling me other people...feel the same way? D: Oh no >.< we're all screwed


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## 2deepathinker

kandeeee said:


> So you're telling me other people...feel the same way? D: Oh no >.< we're all screwed


You know, I don't look at it as screwed anymore. I have had no choice but to manage, and the less I pay attention and freak out about my symptoms, the better. I think I am a lot stronger now than I have ever been, even though at times I am incredibly uncomfortable.

Just read what people write, share your experiences and it will get better and easier to deal with.


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## Guest

2deepathinker said:


> You know, I don't look at it as screwed anymore. I have had no choice but to manage, and the less I pay attention and freak out about my symptoms, the better. I think I am a lot stronger now than I have ever been, even though at times I am incredibly uncomfortable.
> 
> Just read what people write, share your experiences and it will get better and easier to deal with.


You're probably right, but the thing that freaks me out the most is...that maybe this isn't DP and I have some other untreatable rare disorder







I don't know. I've only had it(whatever it is) for a few months and "it" is getting worse everyday.


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## 2deepathinker

kandeeee said:


> You're probably right, but the thing that freaks me out the most is...that maybe this isn't DP and I have some other untreatable rare disorder
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> I don't know. I've only had it(whatever it is) for a few months and "it" is getting worse everyday.


It sounds like you are pretty stressed, which can only make you have more of depersonalization. Depersonalization can't hurt you, it is only a sensation that is extremely uncomfortable. Don't give it anymore power than it deserves. My experience has been that I spent a lot of time worrying about untreatable illness, etc. See your MD, and also a psychiatrist. Trust what they have to say, and then let the worry go. It isn't worth the time and effort. The less power you give the DP, the better off you will be.


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## match_stick_1

that description you wrote is pretty freaky, my psychologist asked me towrite one and i wrote virtually the same thing!! Yes im definately sure thats depersonalization







unfortunately. Because yours is so similar to mine, it might have a smilar cause or something. Mines trama related, didyou have any extreme traumas happen to you?


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## Guest

match_stick_1 said:


> that description you wrote is pretty freaky, my psychologist asked me towrite one and i wrote virtually the same thing!! Yes im definately sure thats depersonalization
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> unfortunately. Because yours is so similar to mine, it might have a smilar cause or something. Mines trama related, didyou have any extreme traumas happen to you?










aw, im sorry. *HUGS* and nope. no trauma.


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## junkinmahcranium

I don't have any visionary fuckups, but my dp is virtually the same.

It's hell. I have yet to go to a psych because my mother is a fucking pastor and believes that Jesus will cure.

and I have no money and no car (am sixteen) to drive myself.

so .. fuck my life.


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## match_stick_1

junkinmahcranium said:


> I don't have any visionary fuckups, but my dp is virtually the same.
> 
> It's hell. I have yet to go to a psych because my mother is a fucking pastor and believes that Jesus will cure.
> 
> and I have no money and no car (am sixteen) to drive myself.
> 
> so .. fuck my life.


wait so are you getting help or not? Im sixteen too and My parents are extremely religious like that too so i just went to see the school councillor and she organised helped me find help. I now go to the adolescent section at the public hosp and see a really great psych there. Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands. My parents were annoyed but theyve come around a bit. Tell your mum its like baking a cake, you can pray that it will turn out well but you have to put the work into it first and make it. Getting help isnt breaking your faith in god, its using the help hes provided.


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