# Autopilot



## Guest (Sep 23, 2012)

When DP has gone, I usually get swept up in the midst of life and this I believe is normality again. Sometimes though, I realise my self again and where I am at and notice that the last few actions I have done in normality have been on autopilot, almost. Like I have expressed myself and done things that I didn't even put thought to before doing them, unlike in DP. When I am DPd I am conscious of all my actions for example:

"I'm going up the stairs... My body is moving on the stairs.. Oh god... There are my hands on the bannister..."

"I'm in the bathroom, I feel elevated in this small space, there are my hands again as I wash them, weird, its like I'm watching a movie of my hands. Quick, I need to rush out of the bathroom before I focus on it any more!"

And then I obviously focus on where I go next so it's no better.

But I am in a state of calm and normality now and I can walk from the bedroom to the living room and suddenly realise "Oh, I'm here now?" because I am SO used to focusing on every single action I make when DPd. And a lot of the time my internal monologue is silent when DPd but those things are still going through my head as a silent nagging feeling, so it's not always like an orchestra of verbal worry, just to clarify that. Sometimes my mind is blank, sometimes it is buzzing, but the same feelings and observations are going on inside me.

But DP was my comfort zone (albeit an anxious one that i never wanted) when I focused on everything because I felt detached (and I think I felt detached because I focused too much), so being on autopilot is a new, foreign feeling. I suppose I'm resisting recovery in a sense and I know I shouldn't so I will try to just go with it and not think too much.

I can also get lost in train of thought when I feel normal, like thought about real, normal things, and again I snap out of it and realise that I was just thinking deeply about something without thinking about thinking! So on autopilot with my thoughts too. With this autopilot I notice the total absence of worry and anxiety. I feel like I am living as deeply as possible.

I thought I would mention all this because I know a lot of people say they have recovered, but how have they recovered? What had changed inside of their heads? I know a lot of the time I wonder that about others and I am always interested in the specific details so hopefully this could help someone notice their own recovery.

Speaking to my husband about this, he says he is on autopilot mostly all the time, and unlike me, who is so used to DP and snaps into focus at the end with a thought like "Oh, did I just do all that?" - he says his autopilot feeling with tasks are all linked, so he is basically in a constant state Of autopilot and never gets the urge to ask questions to himself about it - he just does and does and does and lives life. He is a very mentally healthy person, so it is interesting to know his sense of normality and that is what I want to be like eventually.

What I wonder is: they say to live in the moment like it is a positive thing. Is living in the moment DP, or normality's autopilot? I certainly know that in DP you can't get any more focused on what you are doing in the moment, and I know for a fact that it doesn't bring me good feelings. So I do wonder about that one.

Anyway, can anyone else relate to not having DP as "autopilot"?


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

yes i relate 100%. Everything i do is on autopilot, it's normal for me i guess. I have gotten used to dp/dr before, but i'm having a tough time with it now, i think too much, and i'm too focused on myself.


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## fsbeats17 (Oct 27, 2012)

Yes this a very good way of putting it. Autopilot the mind drives for you with no effort. DP on the other hand you manually do things.
Could it be that we always want to be in control?? Hmm


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## Guest (Oct 28, 2012)

fsbeats17 said:


> Yes this a very good way of putting it. Autopilot the mind drives for you with no effort. DP on the other hand you manually do things.
> Could it be that we always want to be in control?? Hmm


Seems like it!: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/33980-do-you-consider-yourself-a-controlling/


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