# Ghost's Meds



## Guest (Oct 31, 2004)

:shock: This website is "alot" for me...

I had a problem after many years of anti-psychotics and anti-depressants,
I felt neurological and emotional burnout when they were stopped last year. My blank head hasn't ever been cured since I was 5.

I think the problem is in Endorphins and Glutamate, because it feels trippy and high. Serotonin and dopamine drugs effect mood and affect... Endorphins and Glutamate seem to go deeper, I dunno.

I think it's brain "mis-fire" where the need to over-compensate kicks in... it's a moment of being over-whelmed.

After 21 years I think it's too bloody late to correct any of this... I'm fed up. I'm for real now.

The Psych drugs I took have given me Dementia-like symptoms, brain damage, my brain feels "in shock", frozen. I get horrible shooting pains in my head. It feels like mush. I cant think, I cant concentrate, I have no attention span, or patience. 
But it's better than last year when it was like someone switched the lights off, I was SO burntout. My head just feels wrong.

I TOLD all the therapists I've ever seen about my blank head before...
Racey feelings, hyper-activity, seeing the world perched on the top of my eyes, HEADACHES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD, fatigue, panic stress and burning in my gut...
But usually "My head's been blank since I was 5".
I'm sick of the hyper-activity and "exposed" feelings... People ask how my head can be blank if I write on the internet...
It can... it just is. I'm not in my head, I have no control over my thoughts.

This is upsetting me.
I'm sick of the ignorance of Doctors and therapists in not diagnosing a dissociative disorder. I'm so bloody SICK of my blank head. I cant believe dementia drugs are being considered, and I'm 26.

Also... After many years of Psych drugs... I've found a year later, that I could function without them... my head's just still blank...
I want connection again, and the brain damage I got from the drugs makes things feel hopeless.


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## Guest (Oct 31, 2004)

> I'm sick of the ignorance of Doctors and therapists in not diagnosing a dissociative disorder


You are not alone on this.
I am really sorry to read that.


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## shadowness (Sep 12, 2004)

i can totally relate to what you are saying...

i am so sorry you have had this for so long...

meds have my anxieties worse and caused me dp/dr...

now i am stuck as to what i can really do to help...

feels like my brain chemestry will never normalise...

whatever happens we need to try accepting it as it might be all we feel and think from now on...

and hopefully along the way things will clear up in someway or another...

i wish you all the best...i really do...

take care...


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## Guest (Nov 1, 2004)

Thankyou. Hypnosis helps.

I experienced de-realisation under hypnosis, and I liked it.

I'm sorry... I never thought that what I have was dissociation.
I knew my head was blank and that the experience was external, but I'd never heard of de-personalisation.

My Parents stress me, and my Mum is a control freak and a Psychologist.

I'm good with psychology...

I got huge results (emotionally) from Hypnosis...

I give up. De-personalisation has been described from the early 1900's I think...

I notice, that the people on these forums write/think the way I think.

Amazing. Amazing. I dont know what it is... exposure, enlightenment or aclimatising to frustration and high level emotion.

I cannot believe that Doctors are so stupid...
I even saw photographs from "Dreamers" website and cannot believe that our "faces" have the same "exposed" look, like we're a wax dummy face. I cant believe it.

Photos of me aged birth to 5 show an "alert" wide awake face, after 5 the photos look like I'm dreaming, a robot from the shoulders up...
I think it pushes people away from me. And makes people feel dis-connected from me. I wish I could have my head back.

I think my root cause is PANIC and that panic should of been treated when I was a kid. With talk therapy and Hypnosis...
I was nuts from when I was 5. I cant believe my parents didn't notice the massive change...
I felt my life was so out of control leading up to my head popping out.

I think that all I got from Psych drugs was brain damage, and manipulation of the WRONG chemicals. The blank head felt EXACTLY the same for the whole time.
Hypnosis helps more than any talk therapy (changing my thoughts) EVER did. Hypnosis calms me down, and treats the panic...

I think panic is what was beyond my control, and that I got overwhelmed... De-personalisation is very "controlling" though... my head and neck do their own thing... my theory is that my controlling Mother interfered with every thought and word I dared manifest, to the point that I de-tached from them... God, what now.


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## shadowness (Sep 12, 2004)

you have been through hypnosis i see...

do you have it done now?

does it help with the depersonalization?


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## Guest (Nov 1, 2004)

> and my Mum is a control freak and a Psychologist.


Poor us, my mum is too, except shes no psychologist.



> cannot believe that Doctors are so stupid...


Me neither.



> cannot believe that our "faces" have the same "exposed" look, like we're a wax dummy face. I cant believe it.


I noticed this also, but not regarding dp/dr, but some of my friends' facial expression became permanently "frozen" when they were put to school at the age of six.



> Hypnosis helps more than any talk therapy (changing my thoughts) EVER did.


Does "changing my thoughts" belong to talk therapy or did you refer to hypnosis when you mentioned it?


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2004)

"I" you're like me...

I think de-personalisation is a result of psycholgical abuse (worries, emotional/psychological abuse) whereas MPD invovles total degradation of the entire "self".

I think de-personalisation can occur when your sense of self is ignored by your family. Maybe ADD and ADHD symptoms are reactions to parents who ignore autonomous boundaries.
I think control freak parents "pick apart" all your links to autonomy and identity leaving you with a thread-bare sense of self.

I think I only ever experienced de-personalisation, and only ever of my head & neck, because it's my voice and ability to THINK that kept getting the pummelling (and when I write "pummelling" you have no idea). My Mum steam-rolls over and through you with Her toxic presence.

She's like a mound of dirt that wont disappear. She acts deaf too.

She used twisted representations of Psychology gleaned during Her study and Her own War PTSD to try to make me some kind of new design. I "gave up" when I was 5, I believe, because splitting time between ME (school) and coping with the crumbling home life was never going to happen. I cracked up when I was 14 too, puberty hormones, and stress and got severe fatigue. Mum never allowed any "reserves" She attacked and stole every word and movement controlling every aspect of what came out of my mouth.
ie "Dont start sentances with 'I'" (Egocentric) "Dont refer my comment back to yourself" (Egocentric) "Dont be negative." "Stop talking about yourself" "Nobody wants to hear your problems"
She effectively made me disappear. She effectively turned me into a void standing before Her. Once I dissociated She kept "refining" further until my "self-expression" was backed up into a tiny hole at the back of my head, shackled and chained. The self-control required made me feel like an exploding star. I was highly manic and euphoric when I was 5 but very depressed too.

I think my Mum did Her psychology degree for weird reasons. I was never allowed to "relax" or feel autonomous in my Mothers presence, and pride was the biggest "egocentric" thing you could do. Absolute selflessness was what you "had" to do.

I have NO CLUE what my Mother was on about all those years. She's ridiculous. She now claims that I'm a bad, selfish, rude, anti-social evil person.
Cant win, I truly feel She's digging my grave.

And "shadowness", hypnosis helps with relaxation and balancing my mood. Just the fact of "going under", the words spoken by the therapist are the therapists training/agenda being reflected, but I've had 21 years of extreme vigilance and it helps my brain relax (forces it to) and I wake up with a balanced mood.

"I" changing thoughts, refers to talk therapy. Yeah... "Giving me a new way to see things"... that's all I need, more nit-picking. Trying to make me perfect.

I think, like I've written, that de-personalisation is based in the brain chemicals for Glutamate & Endogenous Opiods. It's an existential intangible presentation, that seems to be like an acid trip and panic attack combined. It makes you stretch out of yourself in a horrible way. I think when you're in a car accident or get attacked in an alley you start to float from sensory overload, shock etc. I think that de-personalisation is a similar nervous system overload, and it's like a computer jam or shutdown "does not compute". And that DP/DR caused by yoga, meditation and LSD are similar. You "lift" past reality because of some stimulus.

Dopamine shuts off your "affect" or CNS I believe, which squashes your representation of "affect" like trying to control the grandiousity of a schizophrenic, Whereas I believe my level of affect was compromised, if anything.
Serotonin manipulation addresses mood I believe, and I feel that my mood was HEIGHTENED if anything, although it was based in long-term depression.

I think manipulation of Dopamine wouldn't really do anything, my "self-expression" was the first thing to GO when I was 5, so I wasn't in danger of self-consumption.
Serotonin manipulation wouldn't come anywhere near the euphoria I felt. Like my blank dissociated head and neck were filled with helium. Fight or flight nothing can compensate for my Mother's demands... How far can you PUSH a kid???
I'm SICK of people saying, if your heads blank HOW CAN YOU WRITE/SPEAK TO ME? If your heads blank YOU'D BE DEAD.

I cant deal with this anymore. As I've said I sit "on top of my eyes" my head follows behind, and de-personalisation was described since the early 1900's. What is everyone's problem?

I've been taking zinc today. I get very low zinc, _very_ low. Zinc helps my brain alot.


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2004)

> "I" changing thoughts, refers to talk therapy. Yeah... "Giving me a new way to see things"... that's all I need, more nit-picking. Trying to make me perfect.


That is why I don't have therapy. Because all the theories that make up the therapists' "expertise" were always used by them to invalidate myself and it basically functioned as a justification for them to help me not accept myself as the one who I am.

That is what nobody needs- after a childhood facing ignorance, going to a therapist who finds reasons why it is not ok to be oneself. Only because therapists are ignorant themselves.

I myself have had it with therapists.


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## Guest (Nov 2, 2004)

> That is why I don't have therapy. Because all the theories that make up the therapists' "expertise" were always used by them to invalidate myself and it basically functioned as a justification for them to help me not accept myself as the one who I am.
> 
> That is what nobody needs- after a childhood facing ignorance, going to a therapist who finds reasons why it is not ok to be oneself. Only because therapists are ignorant themselves.
> 
> I myself have had it with therapists.


Ha... "Ignorance". I love the word choice.

You know what everybody else doesn't know yet... Therapists try to "change" you, not "improve" you. I keep my beliefs sound by saying "autonomy" (neither right nor wrong) statements and watching reactions. Comments where I have a "zone" or some definition to my self.

Therapists say "Huh?", screw up their face, look displeased or contemptuous or say an instant blow me out of the water contradiction, or ignore me, or fall silent.
They never run with my comment and try to create a flow. They always cause the biggest road block ever.

It's like, people are "continuing" my Mothers work.

I like the word "invalidate" too, because people constantly address comments that are neither right or wrong by "blocking them off" or negating them through words or behaviour.

Therapists have their OWN ideas about what they want, who you should be etc. And work with the basic premise that you're flawed, and have a long way to go...
I wish I could "nit-pick" through some of the therapists I know.

You choose the people you hang around because you feel comfortable... I judge therapy on the basis of feeling like I'm in a vice everytime I speak to one. Same for "Doctors". The effort required by me sends endless "danger" signals, I get fed up and angry and feel squashed into a corner, I listen to my feelings, they dont tend to lie.

People in general are ignorant of what therapists and Psychiatrists actually achieve for people. It's confusing and the therapist seems to be self-gratifying.

I just "know". I know enough about the out-comes.

Then it's... you need medication to balance the chemicals...
I wish I could give ALOT of people some sedatives or dopamine...

Therapists dont "listen" they're too busy trying to change you. It's dementing. What you do is never GOOD enough - they dont leave your head alone.


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2004)

Were you taking antipsychotics and antidepressants because of the dp, but you didn't know that you have dp ?


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2004)

Also, "burning in your gut", is that a psychosomatic symptom?

Do you have it all the time or just occasionally?
Is the "burning" in your gut area only or is it somewhere else as well?


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2004)

> Were you taking antipsychotics and antidepressants because of the dp, but you didn't know that you have dp ?


Questions, questions  Yes. I told each therapist "I have a blank head". I'd had total chronic fatigue for two years before my Mother stepped in and got Psychiatric help.
My chronic fatigue got no medical attention. I had it age 14 and a half onwards. My Mother pretended it wasn't happening  I was dragging myself everywhere, total collapse, couldn't see the words on the page of a book. Complete wipeout. Mum ignored it, little devil 



> Also, "burning in your gut", is that a psychosomatic symptom?
> 
> Do you have it all the time or just occasionally?
> Is the "burning" in your gut area only or is it somewhere else as well?


High stomach acid. To the point that I can feel burning through the wall of my stomach. It accompanied separation of my head and neck. I've had a high acid feeling at all times since then. It is accompanied by an anxious, panicky feeling. I believe DP is basically an anxiety disorder 

How are YOU "I". You're very curious...

You'd make a good journalist, I think. You'd actually LISTEN to the interviewee...


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2004)

No, the thing is that I was prescribed an antipsychotic for my drealisation, but I have never taken a pill so far. It is just that I cannot really believe that my doctor was such an idiot, and reading that you were prescribed antipsychotics as well I thought that they were supposed to be against something else since otherwise it would be proof that your doctor was as big an idiot as my doctor was. Well, now of course I know that your doctor was totally stupid too.

As for the "burning" I thought it was psychosomatic since I had pain in my stomach as well. Only in my case the pain has been increasing over the last year and it also spread over my whole body, not even sparing my face. But my pain is psychosomatic. I take meds against the pain now and it helps a bit.

Anyway, thanks for answering, ghost.


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## Guest (Nov 4, 2004)

I said:


> No, the thing is that I was prescribed an antipsychotic for my drealisation, but I have never taken a pill so far. It is just that I cannot really believe that my doctor was such an idiot, and reading that you were prescribed antipsychotics as well I thought that they were supposed to be against something else since otherwise it would be proof that your doctor was as big an idiot as my doctor was. Well, now of course I know that your doctor was totally stupid too.
> 
> As for the "burning" I thought it was psychosomatic since I had pain in my stomach as well. Only in my case the pain has been increasing over the last year and it also spread over my whole body, not even sparing my face. But my pain is psychosomatic. I take meds against the pain now and it helps a bit.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for answering, ghost.


I dont mean to "annoy" you! I can tell that your Mother agitated you.

No, my Mum "Let" me deteriorate from Chronic Fatigue until I was nearly "dead".

 When I came off anti-psychotics I was told two things, one I'd relapse within three weeks into "Psychosis", and also, that Anti-psychotics do no damage.
Well brain damage happened in a way that is a little astounding, and the three weeks was extended to six months ("And when you relapse during the six months, I'm putting you on anti-psychotics for the _rest of your life_, cos you'll _never_ get well") Six months later, the Psychiatrist refused to answer my phonecalls 

Well... that was a waste of time.

But now, the brain damage imitates mental illness. The short attention span & pain in my head make my head useless. I have hardly any emotional expression, my personality has evaporated, and I cant "think" properly and just feel dead. Chemical lobotomy is a term that's been used before I believe.

Yeah... my stomach pain accompanies my head & neck...
I think it's all anxiety.

 Good luck "I", I think you're very charismatic and jittery too, you'd be good in the media or acting, whatever. You seem artistic. I can "feel" that you have a very nervy and frustrated disposition. I can feel that no-one listens to you. I can feel that you're like "When's it _my_ turn???"

Someone's really "worked you up" at some point I believe. I can tell that you're intelligent, a thinker & sensitive. You're a good listener too. But you're frustrated, like "that's _not_ what I meant!!!" Yeah, I think your Mum needs listening skills.


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## Guest (Nov 4, 2004)

You analyze too much, however, you're right basically.


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## Guest (Nov 7, 2004)

I said:


> You analyze too much, however, you're right basically.


I am right. You haven't heard ANYBODY analyse until you've heard MY mother!


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