# I just want my less miserable life back



## Nichole (Feb 22, 2011)

I am a 21 year old female who has unknowingly experienced Bi-Polar throughout her life... Experimenting with drugs, extreme sexual behavior and manic episodes of feeling invincible and depressive episodes of feeling worthless. Moving across Canada away from all friends and family I eventually have become clean from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes for almost 2 years now. I became pregnant with first child. Childbirth was traumatic.. bleeding to death (while I was awake) only to be revived with 7 blood transfusions. Life is torture now... being sober, away from family and friends, raising a child basically on my own while in a relationship that I feel is numbing and emotionally draining....... Longing to be loved and with friends and family. I have tried Paxil & Adderall in hopes it will help me feel less angry and irritable, both were a major fail. After finding a new doctor she tried me on Wellbutrin XR......one week of 150mg only to be bumped up to 300mg on the 8th day. I found myself having a PSYCHOTIC like reaction... I had every single adverse reaction possible. I took myself to the hospital after the 3rd day of no relief...... Asked to be kept at the hospital under supervision cause I felt like I was going "nuts"... got transferred to a Psychiatric hospital, only to be given Ativan and Imovane, told I was perfectly healthy and normal and released after a week... After laying on my livingroom floor for 2 weeks straight feeling like I couldn't live a normal life after weaning myself off the ativan and imovane, It felt like the walls were coming in on me, I couldn't breathe and Now I have come to the terms that I am suffering from DEPERSONALIZATION along with major Fear & Anxiety that I am losing my mind. The only thing that helps is taking Ativan/Lorazapam... It calms me down and I am able to breathe and live a semi-normal life in the midst of feeling like I am walking-dead. I feel as if I should be able to reassure myself life is real and nothing else has changed, that it is definitely all IN MY HEAD... The connection from my sight and my brain feels like there's something missing.. It's been 4 weeks since I last took Wellbutrin and I am still suffering (not near as bad as the first 3 weeks though)

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK. My psychiatrist prescribed me Lamictal/Lamotrigine to act as a mood stabilizer for the Bipolar. I have only been on it for a few days and have experienced itchiness (no rash) along with some headaches. Meanwhile still taking 1/4 of a 1mg Ativan in the morning... afternoon and evening to help calm me down and not to panic about this unreal feeling of being Depersonalised.

Who would have thought that something like this could happen and change your whole perspective on life. it feels like I am looking at a projection and just beyond what I see is dark space. the walls felt like they were coming in on me when I wasnt taking the Ativan. I literally felt like I was dying and going insane.

I sometimes still bring myself back to that feeling and it scares me.. I just want my life back even to the way it was 4 weeks ago when I was full of anger and moodswings. Atleast I felt real.

Sometimes I ask myself... Am I depersonalized as part of the adverse/overdose reaction to the Wellbutrin... or am I depersonalized because the past 2 years have been hell with slowly numbing myself due to such high anxiety and stress (sadness) and all it took was a major panic/anxiety attack to push me over the edge ????

Will I ever be 100% again ????

I've took it upon myself to buy a book on Depersonalization and they speak of certain treatments and methods in helping the DP... but don't say if it will or will not go away.

My Psychiatrist says once Depersonalized it's easy to go back to that feeling, and the first thing to do is to accept it. I am in acceptance and have noticed a great deal in difference, The less you panic, worry and think about it the better life seems to be.. you almost dont realise you're Depersonalised until you stop and check to see if you are. I wake up in the mornings hoping to be cured but when I am not I panic and right away I need to take an Ativan to help me breathe and realise everything will be okay.

Worst thing is,..... Ativan can enhance Depersonalization symptoms but it helps with the anxiety and panic, which makes the Depersonalization UNBEARABLE.... so really, you're either screwed, or youre screwed??

Edit:: In addition to my introduction I believe Mental Illness runs in my mothers side of the family. My Mother suffers from Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue... I believe that is a bogus diagnoses and that she was really Bipolar, being left untreated has only made her sicker and heavily medicated on numerous medications. That being said... Because I fear so much ending up like my mother... I have "Health Anxiety" formerly known as being a hypochondriac..... Again this all goes hand in hand with Anxiety & Panic... As well as Fear.

EDIT #2:: DEPERSONALIZATION SYMPTOMS:
I dont really want to discuss symptoms cause it plays on my mind. but just basically it makes me wonder if I died and this is just a dream.. like a floating in existance, and almost like what i see is a "mirage" and that if i could only peel the picture back there would be nothing but darkness behind what i see.

It's scary, it made me think I had psychosis or Dilerium at first... but with better understanding and being told to take the ativan for the anxiety and panic i am much more relaxed.

One of the weirder things that I experience is shadows stand out more than normal. it's like theyve taken a life form of their own. or maybe its because i have a hard time at putting my body with myself, that a shadow seems out of place.

It seems like my brain skips a beat, and seems like my memory is fading but in reality its not at all.. the depersonalization makes me feel like i am deteriorating into a coma. makes me wonder how it is that i am moving my limbs or even knowing how to respond to a question when i feel so detached with myself.

I dont know if my DP was truly induced by the reaction to Wellbutrin XR or if it was induced by the extreme panic and anxiety that was caused by freaking out due to the irrodecent/hallucinatory psychotic feelings the wellbutrin gave me.

I wonder why it is that i cannot convince myself that I am perfectly fine when just 4 weeks ago I was the same person. Doing the same things, Living the same life.......... It has truly altered something in my mind where It's like I cannot believe something even with facts. I know this will get better, I know that I exist and I know that what is around me IS infact real... but these mind racing thoughts are just driving me Crazy.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

My depersonalization was trigger by taking prozac after about 6 months full of major traumas. What I will tell you is that dp does go away. You will feel normal again. All you have to do is continue to believe that you are going to heal. Continue to accept it and accept that it will fade. My other biggest recommendation is to not frequent this message board. Constantly talking about it and thinking about it only fuels it. Just try to continue to live life, focus on the world around you and look forward to the day, not so long from now, when you will feel normal again.


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