# How to forgive your parents



## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

So I was in my bedroom with the windows open, I heard my mom and dad in the yard talking. And to my surprise they were getting along pretty well. At first I was relieved, but then for some reason I don't know I became really upset and sort of angry.

Growing up was a war zone in my household, with abuse happening on both sides. They never got along and constantly fought. Hearing them today getting along was surprising. It's sort of an aha moment for me. Maybe what I need to do is learn to forgive my parents. I've always respected and catered to them, I knew I hated their chaotic arrangement, but the thought of them getting along after all those years is from my perspective too late, but in reality, it would be the way we can all find peace.

Maybe there's something to be said about learning to forgive, it's easy to rationalize things, but I believe that to get rid of all feeling of resentments at the same time takes a lot of work/soul searching/whatever you wish to call it.

I never thought of things from this perspective before, funny how a small incident can make you find out more about yourself.


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Forgiveness is not a choice, it's an emotional reaction. Just like how you can't force yourself to love someone, and how you can't control if you hate someone.

What you can do however is deny your emotions. One such way of doing this is forcing yourself to forgive someone who you actually have angry feelings towards. The result? A relationship based on a lie. A relationship where you cannot and will not be able to be your true self.

IMO, if you can't accept your anger towards someone then there's no chance you can forgive them.

Also there's the matter of have they given you a reason to be forgiven? Have they acknowledged your emotions? Have they changed their behaviour? I can't imagine being able to forgive someone if they hadn't changed.


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

You hit a note with what you said,

A relationship based on a lie, oh yes, it's almost too easy to pretend or fake to get along wihh someone. And in the case of parents, your respect for them almost tells you that you should be obedient no matter what - at least how It goes for me.

They've changed, I have come to understand that they were growing as people just as I was, they didn't have the best uprearing and had issues of their own. The cycle of abuse just keeps circling around. I would say that they have changed, but we never talk about the past. Everyone is pretending that it doesn't exist because it is so charged with emotions. I never told them how I felt, I don't know if they know it actually. Things never are a happy ending in the conventional sense, things are not normal yet. How are you expected to have a normal life when you have spent decades in turmoil? I know how, by not acknowledging it and moving on and pretending - sarcasm.

I want to get to a pointmwhen I can forgive them, I know my past was tumultuous, but in reality I have blocked out a lot of the memories. My siblings who are older reemmeber the events very well. I don't want to cling on to resentment, resenting them, resenting myself. It's what keeps you jailed in. How do I acknowledge and let go of my anger? Maybe therapy. But The though of paying someone and weekly visitations i'm not ready for.

I keep fantasizing maybe if I read a self help book, do one session of hypnosis then it will all be gone. One thing I have come to realize is the importance of forgiveness, the emotion like you said. Hope I can get there someday


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

I think you are talking about some very important things here, I have no real answers though, essentially for me I think I will be able to forgive once I have moved on but then maybe I need to forgive to move on, so it's like an impossible circle.

I am getting the impression after struggling with this for some time that the other people involved will most probably never change and I will never get from them what I want so the only way to break the circle is to develop the compassion for yourself you never received from other people, doing that is proving tricky though.


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

S O L A R I S said:


> You hit a note with what you said,
> 
> A relationship based on a lie, oh yes, it's almost too easy to pretend or fake to get along wihh someone. And in the case of parents, your respect for them almost tells you that you should be obedient no matter what - at least how It goes for me.
> 
> ...


​
You have come from a troubled family, healing will take time. I expect for me that it is a lifelong trauma to overcome. Nobody can go through that and be like it never happened. I'm certainly not saying you won't heal, but I think it's really important to accept the degree to which you have been mentally scarred. Without acceptance, there can be no change. There is a lot you can do to help the process along though. Therapy is obviously a major one. Finding a good empathetic therapist is very important. Secondly, reading is also very beneficial.

Some books I can highly recommend:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
Homecoming by John Bradshaw (<-- watch out with Bradshaw. He's really good but there's some bullshit in there. Don't worry though, it stands out)
The Games People Play by Eric Berne
Narcissism by Alexander Lowen
For Your Own Good by Alice Miller
The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller
Real Time Relationships by Stefan Molyneux (highly recommended)
Self-Therapy by Jay Earley
The Psychology of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden
Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield
On Becoming A Person By Carl Rogers
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand


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## Guest (Mar 26, 2011)

The constant feeling of "feeling wrong" for what I really felt is messed up. I dont think I can ever overcome that. There is always a "what if" to a next statement. Messed up...


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