# my story - cannabis



## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

hello everyone, my name is matt and i am 17 years old. I am going to tell you my story of cannabis 
and how it has changed my life. I started smoking weed aged 14 with friends, i smoked every weekend, 
but sometimes went for a month or two without smoking. I used to love smoking weed until one night a year and a half ago
my world completely changed. Me and two friends bought a bag of weed and it was gonna be just like any other time
smoke a few joints and have fun. But little did i know this would mess with my entire life.

After a joint, i felt really strange and had a panic attack that lasted 3 hours until i finally calmed down
and thought after sleep i will be fine. But sadly this wasnt the case, i woke up the next day 
and had a really strange fuzzy feeling in my head. I went and took a shower, but this didnt help, i looked into the mirror
and no longer recognised myself, it looked like someone else was staring back at me. I was so scared i told my mum
about the weed and how strange i felt. After doing some reading on the web, i found that weed can stay in your system for 3 
months, so i decided to wait it out and see if i improved.

3 months came by, and i was getting worse, i was having panic attacks everyday and i began to start hearing voices and
music inside my head constantly. My mum decided it was time for me to see a psychiatrist as i was threatening to take my own 
life. The psychiatrist as i look back now, done me no favours what so ever. I was so vulnerable at this time and all he did 
was suggest i might have schizophrenia which creeped me out and made me worse still. I was put on an antipsychotic 
medication, aswell as an antidepressant, which gave me bit of hope that i might get better.

After being on the medication and seeing no signs of improvement, after 2 months suicide was the only thing i thought about.
My initial diagnosis was drug induced psychosis, but if this was true why wasnt the medication working.
Eventually i agreed to go on to a childrens psychiatric ward, and my antipsychotic medication was increased dramatically.
It was so high i slept on the dose for around 20 hours a day for the first few days. I saw no improvement from this
increase after a few weeks. I spent a lot of time with the psychiatrist on the ward explaining all my symptoms and
that i was still in touch with reality, but was still experiencing a really fuzzy cloudy head, along with the auditory 
hallucinations.

Me and my mum were researching about my cloudy head and read about a condition called depersonalization dissorder,
it seemed to sum up how i was feeling and the symptoms this dissorder contained were just like mine. We made the 
psychiatrist aware of what we had read, and because the dissorder is not well researched amongst psychiatrists,
he looked into it and agreed it was what i had. The initial diagnosis was drug induced psychosis but was changed to
depersonalization dissorder.

I was discharged from the ward after a month, and taken off my antipsychotic medication. I was feeling a little more 
optimistic and better in myself and returned home. I still had concerns about my condition, and these concerns grew
over the weeks when i realised it had been 8 months with this fuzzy head, seeing everything in 2D, and it had not really 
improved much at all. I began to slip backwards again, and began feeling suicidal once more. My mum read up about a clinic
in london that dealt with this condition, and had professors there that knew all there was to know about depersonalization.
We fought long and hard, and 2 months later i finally got an appointment there.

This is where i began to start recovering from this terrible thing thst had happened to me. The appointment was 2 hours
long, and for the first time i felt like there was hope for me. I was told i can get rid of it, and the dissorder is
just a product of anxiety. I was also told it wasn't directly the cannabis itself that caused this, but the panic attack 
that i had the night i smoked. I learnt that my mind had shutdown to protect me, because the trauma i suffered during
the panic attack was so intense my body could not take it, so my mind closed off to the world(depersonalization).

It is the worst feeling in the world and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone. The feeling of not being able to connect with
the world is terrifying, and seeing normal things so cloudy that they don't seem real, truely is awful. But after
learning the condition isn't dangerous and that i can recover was great. I was placed on medication called lamotrogine
and was told that when used with an antidepressant a lot of people with my condition see big improvements. I started 
on a low dose which helped a little, but last week the dose went up, and my anxiety has gone. I feel so much better,
the depersonalization is still here as i write this, but i can see now i am going to get better. This drug should be used 
to treat anyone who suffers with this problem and anxiety, but your local psychiatrist or doctor won't know enough about 
depersonalization to prescribe it, which is why i went to see a specialist. The auditory hallucinations such as the voices
and music were identified as more of a thought due to extreme mental stress, than an actual sound, which further indicated
i wasnt experiencing anything psychotic.

Believe me cannabis has stolen over a year of my life, and i was in hell for such a long time. But now i am slowly 
recovering and i can see myself being completely back to normal by the summer. Six months ago i wouldn't be able to
say i can see light at the end of the tunnel because i was in such a dark place. But now i have a girlfriend, i am 
socialising with all my friends again, and my mum and dad say they feel as if they finally have there son back. I am 
by no means there yet, but i know i will be soon.

I hope my story will encourage anyone who is thinking about doing cannabis, or does cannabis to stop! Its not worth it,
stick to alcohol or something and enjoy your life! I was just a regular guy who thought weed was harmless, but it really 
isnt, it has changed my life forever! But i know once i am completely better i will appreciate how important life is.

Thanks for listening, oh and if you are suffering with any symptoms i have mentioned that i suffered with from smoking weed
and are worried about anything, don't be scared! I would have been better by now if i didn't worry so much. If you had 
anything seriously wrong with your mind like schizophrenia, you would not even be able to read this and analyse your
symptoms. Get an appointment at the depersonalization clinic in london if you think you have it, don't worry and take care,
i am going to enjoy my life and continue improving each day. Don't smoke weed please. Matt.


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## kcjddd03 (Nov 21, 2009)

my story is pretty much the same. i was 17 years old and i to smoked with some friends and had a major panic attack. never been here since. i suffer mainly from derealization, as if people and things around me are not real. like i am looking through fog, water, etc. it came gradually after i smoked it was not a sudden thing. i went through a long bout of depression afterwards. three years later, i was hospitalized and diagnosised with biploar disorder. forward two years, i was hospitalized and rediagnosised with ocd/panic disorder. i have taken alot of meds. zoloft is the only thing that seems to help. when the ocd spikes, as i have been the last few months, it gets unbearable. i feel like i am going insane. it gets to the point where nothing seems real. nothing. i am 37 and really don't know how i have survived this long like this. it robbed me of my life. i am not going to sit here and say i havent had some good times, cause i have. when the meds are working, it kind of fads to the background but, its still there. i went to the doc yesterday and tried to to explain to her and she just would not listen. i wanted to ask her about adding lamatrogine and klonopin to see if it would help me. as i have said on a post here before, 10% above how i feel when i am on meds would be drastic for me. she just would not listen. i am not in the uk so i cant get an appt at the institute. i wish i was cause i would llove to. i just know this, i have heard people taking this with zoloft/sertraline and having good results. what i am curious to know is how does it help? how does it make you feel as far as emotions? do you have normal ones? do you think about the future and tomorrow more? just wanting to know. anyways, i am glad i am not the only one who has this. thanks for listening and welcome.


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## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

hi, thanks for posting something up, its nice to hear from someone in the same boat, and i am sorry you have had the condition for so long. I dont mean to sound clever or anything because you are alot older than me and have way more experience with the condition than i do. But i can see now see light at the end of the tunnel after a year and a half with this condition. You have clearly had it way longer than me and it is amazing that you have been strong enough to deal with it so long. Are you in the united states? As there is another depersonalisation clinic in new york. You have to get an appointment there because it has saved my life. The lamotrogine has worked wonders for me, and they have so much to offer there. Normal doctors just dont know enough about the condition sadly, but these guys do in london and new york. They know everything about the condition, and told me there are some people who can get rid of the condition on there own, but also there are others like me and you who need medication and other treatments. They have trialled many drugs there aimed directly at aniexty and depersonalization. I have only been on lamotrogine for 2 weeks with my dose increasing every two weeks. It has completely removed the physical symptoms of anxiety from my life already! Even if i think negative anxious thoughts, nothing happens i don't panic or anything so it doesnt matter. I dont feel anything inside anxiety wise, even in situations where usually i would be torn to pieces with anxiety i just dont feel anything. Its amazing, and i still have depersonalization but now the anxiety is not a problem the condition will go naturally as i have been told by the dp pro's. To answer your question properly, i was put on an ssri(antidepressant) which apparently needs to be taken along with the lamotrogine to have any effect because on there own they dont seem to do much. I was on the antidepressant for a year with next to no improvement but these 2 meds together have helped me so much. They have so many different drugs to try aswell, even at the moment they are developing a video game that after played for a few hours can actually program your mind out of depersonalization. This sounds strange, but they are the best in the world at curing people from this condition, and they can help you. Dont let this condition steal any more of your life you have years ahead of you even at 37 and get yourself an appointment at new york clinic if you live in america. Nice to hear your story, and i hope i have helped.


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## kcjddd03 (Nov 21, 2009)

how does the medication make you feel? do you constanly think about dr or dp? does it just make life liveable or does it somewhat get it back to normal? just curious. i take sertraline. i have access to lamtrogine though not through a doc. i have been wondering should i just take it and see what happens or what. i am in america but, not close to ny so it would be hard for me to get an appt there. wish i could though. did you have a bunch of test to rule out anything phsyical? such as lyme disease?


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## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

the medication is basically allowing me to live my life. Before i could not really even leave the house. It is important the lamotrogine is combined with specifically an ssri. I am on fluoxetine. As these two drugs together are what helps, but on there own they don't do anything much. But with the absense of anxiety it has significantly stopped me thinking about dp. Of course i still think about it though but i have only been treated properly for 2 weeks, and already the improvements are amazing. As i increase the dose of the lamotrogine i am sure i will see even more benefits. I recommend you try these two meds together if you can, and i hope you see some huge changes as i have. The success rate i was told is 70 percent. Which is high.


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## kcjddd03 (Nov 21, 2009)

i have been searching the net for information on this type of treatment but, the only thing i have found is something that wa 4 or 5 years old. it was really significant info and was not stating hat kind of success rate. i can leave home and pretty much go place but, i am constantly thinking in derealization. right now writing this i am feeling it pretty bad. combine the pure o form of ocd and it is quite disabling. i wish the medical community knew how i was suffering mentally with this crap. we need more research. we need help for our people. i can not remember what it is like to not have dr. i can hardly remember childhood memories. when i do remember them they are vague. i have tried too flood myself wiht them thinking maybe i could figure something out to make me feel better. recently alot of memeories have come flooding back but, it doesn't help. depression is also there so that doesn't help either. when im driving, especially at night, it feels as if i cant see. like looking through fog and smoke and water. i know i have anxiety issues and when the anxiety is under control, it does get better, i can still feel the dr. i think if i had something extra that may could give that extra boost, i think it would be some much better. as far as the lamatrogine, i have heard of the rash associated with it, have you had any side effects? i just want to be better. my children need a dad who can be there for them when they need him. i feel as if life is over for me. time to move to that infinite place.


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## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

ok, but the success rate is measured on all the people they have treated at both clincs in london and new york. All the people thousands with dp, so 7 out of 10 people have experienced significant improvement from these two medications. I understand how horrid the dr and dp is, and i know exactly how your feelin, because i feel the same as i write to you now. I understand it is difficult for you to get an appointment, so i am willing to help you based on information i have been given at my appointment. I would try going on the lamotrogine with an ssri. I am on 20mg of the ssri, and i was given the same dosage structure that is given to everyone at the clinic with dp. I was started on 25 mg of lamaotrogine, and the dose size doubles every two weeks, i am feeling great on 50 mgs but i am going to continue the dose increase for a while to see if i get even better! I promise im not lieing this condition nearly forced me to suicide, but now i genuinely feel i am going to completely recover. Yeah i was told about the rash but it really isnt that big of a deal, the specialist said its rare to get this side effect, and i very very small minority get it. The dose size of lamotrogine can go as high as 400 mg which will take a few months to get too, but thats only if you need it. Some people are effected on a small dose, some need a higher dose and some it doesnt help at all. But if you have access to it, i recommend going on it starting with 25 mg a day for 2 weeks then doubling the dose every two weeks from there onwards. Make sure you take it in conjunction with an ssri like fluoxetine though. Good luck.


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## kcjddd03 (Nov 21, 2009)

i am on sertraline, which is the generic for zoloft. i have access to the lamotrigine as my stepmother takes it for epilepsy. she has a ton of it. i am skeptical to take it without doc supervision. i have taken a lot of meds over the years and i generally have no side effects to any. i just want to get better. i have lived with this horrible disease for a long time. i need some relief. i cant understand 7 out of 10 people that this has worked for. i have only read a small percentage that has found it to help at all. there are posts on this board who have said it works a lil for them. maybe im just scared to go back to the real world. i dont know how it feels to be real. i want to be real again. the clinic in london really believes this medication works for alot of people?


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## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

its not what the clinic thinks, its been proven out of the thousands of people they have trialled it on 70 percent gain benefit from it. The thing is, it has to be used with not just any antidepressant, but an ssri. Im not sure if zoloft is an ssri. Neither am i sure about the science behind it. But when lamotrogine is used with an ssri, this is what they have researched and found to be useful at directly targetting the anxiety and dp itself! and i completely understand if your reluctant to use it without doctors advice, but ill say this. This is the first thing they prescribe a dp patient with at the clinic, every single person. An ssri and lamotrogine. It is first line treatment to everyone they see. I can also understand how you might be scared to come back into the real world after having the condition so long, but give these two a try in conjunction with each other. They give the same dose regime to anyone and everyone for the lamotrogin, both in the london clinic and new york clinic. The dosage is what i wrote in my last post, it really is worth a try, because it has helped me so much in just two weeks!! I cant even tell you how good it feels to actually feel happy in myself while still having this condition. Its strange ive been a depressed mess with numerous intense anxiety feelings, panic attacks and all the rest of it for the last year and a half. Finally though, for the first time im feeling better, thinking more positively and my anxiety has been pretty much eliminated, and with this i know my dp will aswell. My advice is to try it, i havent got anything wrong in what i have said to you, ive told you exactly from the specialist psychiatrists mouth on to paper about the dosages of lamotrogine and how to build it up. I hope you decide to give this a shot because it has saved my life. Im not just saying it, im feeling happier now after all this time, and i put it all down to the clinic putting me on these meds.


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## kcjddd03 (Nov 21, 2009)

you say the dp is still there? but the anxiety is gone? when i am taking the zoloft whixh is an ssri i have taken on and off that seems to help, the anxiety goes away but, the dr is still there. its kind of not as bad but, its still there. it can make me not want to function. are you feeling relief from the dp or is it still the same? i am not scared of reality, iw asnt when i was in it. i just want it. i need it. i understand where you are coming from as far as the anxiety goes. but, i can acheive that with the ssri and benzos. does the clinincs say the dp or dr does in fact go away or does it just help with the anxiety?


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## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

well the clinic is for depersonalization, and the drugs they offer are all for dp and the associated symptoms. I feel only after two weeks that the dp has diminished slightly, not alot, but enough for me to notice it isnt as bad. But its only been 3 weeks and i have plenty of dose increases yet, even though i couldnt cpmplain with the results so far! truely amazing! The clinic did say it would take time to get rid of it, but the drug has completely eliminated anxiety, and this is bringing me back to reality, i can feel it! slowly each day i am feeling better dp wise and not afraid to do things like going to college, because the anxiety is no longer there. I am basically with the help of these meds slowly forgetting about my dp, and they said people they have helped achieve total remission from dp need to start out by firstly elliminating anxiety from there lives, then you will be able to get on with things normally without obssessional irrational thoughts, and then over time you will begin to slowly forget about the dp and beforelong, you will suddenly realise it is no longer there. I have to admit i didn't believe a word of it to begin with, i knew they were the best in the world with this condition but i still didn't believe it because of how much dp and dr has impacted on my life, but now i have no choice but to believe it because i am seeing the changes. Now the anxiety has gone, i think about dp less, and now that i think about dp less and dont have worries about it, i am noticing it less and less each day, and when i do notice it like yesterday for example i wasnt worried and realised the dp was not as bad for the first time. It was still there but had improved ever so slightly, and i am hopeful these improvements will continue. Yes the meds have affected the dp itself slightly in a positive way, but i am only 3 weeks into this treatment, and i know that the dp improvements will continue, because if it has gone just a tiny bit, then i know it can keep going till its gone completely.


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## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

Hey can you please tell me where this clinic is in london and if there is any specific requirements to be given an appointment? Thanks


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## kcjddd03 (Nov 21, 2009)

matt, please keep me informed of your progress with these meds. i am really considering trying the lamotrigine, sertraline combo.


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## matt wh3lan (Dec 10, 2009)

hey sbm81, the requirements for an appointment at the depersonalization clinic in london, are firstly a referral from your psychiatrist or doctor. When the clinic receive the referral, they apply to your local care trust for funding to do an initial assessment that lasts about 2 hours with a specialist psychiatrist at the clinic. If you need any more help let me know.


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## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

Matt thank you for that info im seriously gonna look into it, it sounds like these people maybe understand that this is a real problem and needs a specific type of approach. Ive instinctively felt over the years that doctors, psychiatrist etc have wrongly included me in the 'majority section' of mental illness, what i mean is once ive described my symptoms they probably sound much the same as the general population's who experience anxiety or depression, so you get a prescription of anti depressants and so forth. But ive left every doctors surgery thru the years thinking one thing- ''they're still missing something'' ! And what they werent picking up on was dp/dr. Its one thing suffering depression but i believe you can suffer depression while still knowing who you are and being able to think ! Dp/dr to me is a separate condition, i often think id gladly handle depression, anxiety etc if there was no dp/dr present!

I have a few questions if you dont mind so bear with me please lol...

I assume to have an assessment done it would involve travelling to the clinic in london? 
Who actually does the assessment? (is it a doctor of some description i mean)
What medications did they start you on again?
If there is anything you feel would be of significance please feel free to say. Thank you very much i really am grateful for any help


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## metricfan (Dec 21, 2009)

This sounds similar to me, I realize now the feelings that I had were panic attacks and like I was losing myself during that time and since I smoked the weed it hasn't been the same for me. I've had severe symptoms for only 3-4 days now and I can't imagine living like this for years. I hope your doing a bit better now. I'm scared out of my mind I really want it to go away!


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## metricfan (Dec 21, 2009)

This sounds similar to me, I realize now the feelings that I had were panic attacks and like I was losing myself during that time and since I smoked the weed it hasn't been the same for me. I've had severe symptoms for only 3-4 days now and I can't imagine living like this for years. I hope your doing a bit better now. I'm scared out of my mind I really want it to go away!


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

OP did you experience the feeling that your thoughts werent yours? I have this chornically, its like something is shouting inside my head.


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## johnnyrose (Oct 10, 2009)

The weed might have triggered the DP, but i'm almost certain that it's not the main reason.


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## axslinger (Jan 11, 2010)

matt wh3lan said:


> hello everyone, my name is matt and i am 17 years old. I am going to tell you my story of cannabis
> and how it has changed my life. I started smoking weed aged 14 with friends, i smoked every weekend,
> but sometimes went for a month or two without smoking. I used to love smoking weed until one night a year and a half ago
> my world completely changed. Me and two friends bought a bag of weed and it was gonna be just like any other time
> ...


That is really a scary story. I once "freaked out" on a weed trip in high school. I think that might have triggered my susceptibility to DP. I'm glad to hear you are improving. My DP resurfaced a couple months ago and I'm working through it...

Best Wishes,
Brian


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## adobe (Apr 8, 2011)

does anyone know of the exact name of the clinic(s, in London and New York specializing in depersonalization?

Please feel free to email me.

Thanks,

Mike
[email protected]


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## stefisings (Mar 4, 2011)

So many people on this forum started having dp/dr after a bad experience smoking weed.( Me too) How many of you would've gone ahead and smoked it anyway if you had know that this "could" happen to you???

I know I wouldn't...I didn't think there was a such thing as a bad trip from pot???

I'm just curious because if they would just legalize marijuana they could put a warning on it saying some people experience feelings of depersonalization can last long periods of times...(Whatever???) and of course then they would have to investigate the entire disorder more.

It's just a thought I've had and wanted to get some response to ...


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