# what IS this!?!? someone please read and help!



## beachbum35 (Sep 11, 2011)

Ok so this is my story. I've always been a really anxious person and was diagnosed with anxiety when I was in middle school, as well as ADD and OCD. I took Adderall and Ritalin through out middle school. (Not in combination, separate times.) I've had panic attacks a few times during this time period but never knew what was wrong with me. Then, a few years ago, I went on vacation to Bermuda and the night before I experienced a mild panic attack, but nothing serious so I disregarded it. Then on the plane to Bermuda, I felt off. I didn't know what was up, something just felt wrong. When I got there, I felt weird and dissociated, like I was in a dream. Then when I went out to dinner my anxiety increased so much and I started having a panic attack and felt so dissociated, kind of like the world wasn't there and I was disconnected. That night I had the worst panic attack ever, my heart was racing and I felt like I was slipping away into another world. I took a xanax and fell asleep which helped but these panic attacks continued a few times during my vacation and my feeling of being disconnected and outside of my body stayed the whole time. It got so scary that I went home a few days early to see a psychiatrist and figure out what was wrong. When I went, he told me that because of my anxiety, panic attacks and dissociation/ DP/DR were common and could be triggered during stressful times ( I was stressed out in school, etc.) So he prescribed me Lexapro and Klonopin. I started taking these and they worked within a period of time, and my symptoms lessened and within a period of time they went away and my life went back to normal, I even went off the meds.

Now, a few years later, I'm a sophomore in college and my DP/DR is back. It started this summer. My freshman year I commuted to a local community college because I wasn't sure what school I wanted to go to yet. Then I got accepted to a small private college nearby and was thrilled to go. However, the summer kicked off on a stressful note due to social issues (mainly with a boyfriend) and then I was put in the hospital for a night due to my potassium level being very low from intense partying/ drinking alcohol and taking these diet pills. They gave me an IV of potassium but it was such a big scare that I had anxiety and panic attacks all throughout my hospital stay. I literally was scared out of my mind. When I got out of the hospital I threw away all my diet pills (which weren't FDA approved and contained high levels of caffeine/diuretics) and swore to never take them again, which I didn't. However, I partied hard a few days after and got drunk 3 days in a row. The drinking and partying continued every weekend of the summer, and I would occasionally smoke weed as well. (Wasn't a big fan of this though, after getting panic attacks from it... bad idea) but in combination with drinking, the weed wouldn't affect me as much, it felt like. I started taking Adderall this summer again too, and although it helped my impulses and concentration, it made my anxiety and OCD worse. I also took it irregularly, which is probably a bad idea. And my psychiatrist kept taking me on and off meds, going from Adderall to Ritalin to Adderall XR (worst experience ever, made me feel like I was tripping out.) and then back to Adderall. Then it all went downhill when I had a whole week of partying and hardly sleeping. I was so anxious during this time period due to intense social stress and stressing out about college (I was starting in a few weeks which is a huge change.) Then I also had a situation at home where I got kicked out of my house for a week and had to stay at friends houses and that stressed me out even more. I felt terribly off during this time period, and at some points I had panic attacks where my heart started racing so much that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Then it would stop and I would go out and party and drink and wake up hungover, and start this whole cycle over again, which continued for a week. When I finally patched things up so I could go home, my anxiety had gotten to the point that I had to go see my psychiatrist and he put me back on lexapro. I had started taking this and it had only been a few days but my anxious feeling had decreased, but I had fallen into a state where I no longer felt emotions, but felt constantly tired and STILL felt as though I wasn't real, dreaming, and out of it. Basically DP/DR. I was going off to college in a few days so my stress was still up high but I was emotionally numb. Also the lexapro made my appetite huge and also gave me vivid dreams, which didn't help me at all since my DP/DR made me feel like I was in a dream so I confused dreams for reality. After about a week, I went off of the Lexapro. I didn't want to start college feeling emotionally numb. Now, I'm a week into college, and I guess it has distracted me to the point that I can function there., but I still have a recurrent feeling of DP/DR. I wake up in the mornings confused and have to think back on what happened the day before . My memory is rather dulled, I still have vivid dreams, and I feel as though I am unreal at times, and like being in my body seems so strange to me. However, I haven't had any panic attacks at all. It's more of dull feeling along with the DP/DR. I also haven't been taking any meds, only Klonopin like once or twice. I do take multivitamins though, and magnesium supplements which I hear help with the nervous system. I feel like I'm stuck in a dream or a coma though, and just want to wake up. When I say something I feel like someone else is saying it, and it sounds strange to me. I feel like my inner voice is different than my outer voice, and my brain is working in two different shifts. I don't know what this is or how to get rid of it. I'm trying to keep myself distracted, but the feeling is still there. Should I go back on the lexapro? Maybe I didn't give it long enough of a chance? Can anyone relate to this? What's wrong with me!??!?


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Wow that was a lot to read. Well to some it up you probably have what we all have here, DP/DR (depersonalization/derealization). Basically we are stuck in this state of dissociation I guess because are mind is constantly perceiving everything as threats, even though we know there are no threats. I am not a doctor so I can't tell you exactly what is happening, but I am obviously going through the same thing.

I highly suggest you read this: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/blog/6/entry-2-a-quick-run-down/

This will further help you understand what is going on.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

Heyooo... welcome to the split mind phenomenon- that is, feeling like your mind exists in two separate spheres. A very peculiar thing to have happened to us, don't ya think? Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, although for me it sorta always feel like I always am. In my case, I can identify with everyone on an intellectual level but very rarely am I able to identify emotionally. Shit kinda sucks. I find antidepressants make me feel wayyyy more disconnected and "split" but they get rid of the anxiety, allowing me to function without always feeling like I'm bout to implode. Don't know for you though cause medicines work for everyone differently. Overall, I'm prone to say fuck em, that we feel the way we do for a reason and it's up for us to find what that reason is so we can work thorough it. But unfortunately for me, due to a very demanding life including constant exposure around other people who live with an experience of consciousness largely foreign to my own, I don't really have a choice. I'm a guy, though, and I think girls are permitted a little more leeway to act out their internal problems in front of others... so you may want to do that... idk though. But good luck and try not to take any of this shit too personally


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