# Not Worth It



## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

My entire existence sucks. It is a burden to exist. I dunno what's going on. I have progressed some, but not enought to make this worthwhile. I don't think I would be able to kill myself though. I have recently tried cutting and i can't even get myself to slice up my arms. I'm actually not depressed, I just find existence truly painful and I have no means of controlling it. Pure torment that I don't believe will end. I have started considering becoming a junkie just to escape this feeling. Just to be high as fuck for the next 2 years, and then kill myself.

I'm so sorry I'm talking like this, I just don't know what to do. There is no answer.


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## existentially plagued (Aug 14, 2011)

man this sucks hope your alright bro , there is always hope.


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## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

PhoenixDown said:


> My entire existence sucks. It is a burden to exist. I dunno what's going on. I have progressed some, but not enought to make this worthwhile. I don't think I would be able to kill myself though. I have recently tried cutting and i can't even get myself to slice up my arms. I'm actually not depressed, I just find existence truly painful and I have no means of controlling it. Pure torment that I don't believe will end. I have started considering becoming a junkie just to escape this feeling. Just to be high as fuck for the next 2 years, and then kill myself.
> 
> I'm so sorry I'm talking like this, I just don't know what to do. There is no answer.


I feel you man. I struggle to find meaning in the everyday hustle and bustle of life. I'm currently working 40 hours a week, but even at work I can't distract myself. The DP is so bad that it encompasses every little action that I do. I've recently starting smoking weed to escape. I put on my headphones, listen to some Pink Floyd, and I find some peace. I'm not happy nor can I really even distract myself when I'm high. The DP still finds it's way into the high. It can make my DP seem even more real which scares me. Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to fully recover and have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I read posts from people who have had this for 20+ years and still have it. I have the blank mind, which is by far my worst symptom. Had I not had it I believe I wouldn't even have DP in the first place. I "think" about killing myself all the time, but the thought of this transcending into the after life scares the shit out of me. That God would not only fuck us over in our real life, but in the after life as well. I don't know if there is a after life, nor does anyone else, but its a scary thought.


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## Felicity (Feb 7, 2011)

Don't give up. Tomorrow could be the day when you return to normal, it could go back to how it was at any moment. If you kill yourself or stay high you're denying yourself a chance to recover. Your life is valuable whether you realize it or not, and you WILL get better.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

i can't do it guys. i can't do it. I didn't deserve this. i want to die. I want to die. I'm so sorry I can't be more optimistic. This is my hell. Game over.


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## RamonX (Feb 10, 2011)

PhoenixDown said:


> i can't do it guys. i can't do it. I didn't deserve this. i want to die. I want to die. I'm so sorry I can't be more optimistic. This is my hell. Game over.


Ok listen, I have been in this state of mind about 20 years ago. I was completely certain I couldn't bear it any longer. I was ready to give up, but I couldn't get myself to end it. The strange thing is that from that period on I started progressing very slowly, and à half year later I felt much better. 
And then after another year It really got much better and life became quite enjoyable for many, many years. I was so happy that I never did anything stupid. Now after all that time I have been back in hell again for the past nine months, but suïcide isn't even an option because now I have two fantastic daughters. But I know that if I get through this one more time, there will be this big reward.

Just à few paractical thoughts to keep in mind that might help you:

Suïcide can always wait one more day.

There are so many meds, that you haven't tried yet, there is always the possibility that one, or à combination might help.
The same is true for forms of therapy.

Humans have this incredible resilience, they can survive in the most incredible circumstances, and often they to go very very deep to discover how strong they can be.

Suffering you can do only one moment at a time. The prospect of having to go through the same kind of misery for many months to come can be daunting an fill you with despair, but all of this will come moment by moment. You have allready survived many of these moments and you can 
survive many more. It is the thought that you may never get out of it that makes it unbearable, but you have to keep in mind that most people do get out of this. And most of the people that have this for twenty years or more, find à way to live with it and even they find à kind of balance that makes life worthwhile.

Becoming a junkie isn't going to bail you out. You will soon discover that you can't get high anymore and that you have to score just not to feel horrible.

You say you have progressed somewhat allready, so you know change is possible, but you have to come to terms with the fact you can't force it, you have to be patiënt. You can get through this.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

RamonX said:


> Ok listen, I have been in this state of mind about 20 years ago. I was completely certain I couldn't bear it any longer. I was ready to give up, but I couldn't get myself to end it. The strange thing is that from that period on I started progressing very slowly, and à half year later I felt much better.
> And then after another year It really got much better and life became quite enjoyable for many, many years. I was so happy that I never did anything stupid. Now after all that time I have been back in hell again for the past nine months, but suïcide isn't even an option because now I have two fantastic daughters. But I know that if I get through this one more time, there will be this big reward.
> 
> Just à few paractical thoughts to keep in mind that might help you:
> ...


Thank you so much for your response RamonX. I am in this for the long haul, whether I recover or not. There's just so long I can deal with this feeling before I break down and need to seek out support. I need to hear the types of things you wrote. It's just so crazy going from a life where you are healthy and progressing, to one of despair and a fight for survival. I'm going keep on roughing it, I just need some help along the way. I'm here to offer it back to the community as well.


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