# IS THIS DP/DR????



## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I just want to give you a brief explanation of my symptoms and story. It helps me to talk about it. The main concern I have is this: I seriously, honest to God feel like I am developing schizophrenia or some kind of psychotic mental issue. I need to know, in your opinion if the following is DP/DR or possible schizophrenia or psychosis. I will try and explain in detail but short and brief.

I am a 22 year old male (as of 10/29/2013) Growing up I had a lot of traumatic experiences via molestation, physical abuse, emotional abuse etc. I was heavy in smoking marijuana from age 13-20, I drank lots of alcohol starting at age 9 and started binge drinking at age 14 or 15. I also was into prescription medications such as Benzodiazepines, pain killers etc. Not as much as the weed and alcohol. I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety in my adolescent years. They put me on Lamictal, Zoloft and Seroquel. I have always lived with my mother, no father no siblings in my life (I have them but on my dads side, who isn't in my life) My mother is the main source of my Ptsd, she had a TBI and other mental health issues, I was her caretaker sense I was young. (I grew up fast) There were times I seen her get taken out naked on bedsheets to the hospital, times she almost died in the hospital and at home, I seen her hallucinate and stick objects in her vaginal area when she was very ill. This was very traumatic. Well, I found her Deceased in her bedroom on 3/29/12 and I have been falling apart. I have a grandmother who has helped me a lot, and two friends but that's about it. I stopped taking all my meds in 2010 cold turkey as I thought "God" could heal me. Well, I have always had a sense of brain fog and DR since smoking pot as a teen and the traumatic experiences that's why I was on Lamictal. Anyways, my symptoms have gotten worst to the point I feel Like I am developing schizophrenia or something serious. ( I am at high risk due to being a young male with substance abusing during developing age, Trauma in my child hood etc) I will add that I have had 2 major perceptional changes in my world view and perception of life.. I went from being a non believer, to a die hard Christian to being in a new faith now. but its been such a harsh transfer that I don't know whats real anymore. Or whats what for that matter. I will also add that I have been in foster care, treatment centers out of town, crisis places as a child. I have had lots of trauma through out my life and I fear that I will endup breaking into schizophrenia or something. Either that or suicide which is a scary reality but I dont want to go that route yet.

My symptoms as of the last 2 years include but not limited to:

1) Constant state of being in my head, like I am so detached from my surroundings that I am literally just in my mind but I can still react to things in reality. Its like in 2 worlds at once, literally, and I am aware of it. Its frightening because I can never snap out of it especially when its bad. I will imagine hallucinations and crazy thoughts that seem to manifest almost like hallucinating but I am aware that its just in my mind, its like being in a trance. I don't physically see them manifest although I fear I will one of these times and not be able to discern my imagination from reality.

2) Great Fear, anxiety and panic attacks have been prevalent in my life lately. Its crippling to say the least. and being stuck in my head, or having been overstimulated via work, school, conversations or stress makes it way worst.

3) Constant feeling of being overstimulated. I am completely intolerable to alcohol or drugs, including prescription meds. I feel as if I have stared at a screen for days or have listened to a very long lecture, my brain constantly feels fried.

4) I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts about death and insanity and all these crazy delusional thoughts that don't shut up

5) I get vertigo type feelings, tunnel vision and rarely I get hallucinations of like black or white dots occasionally I see shadows or lights in the corner of my eye. My visual perception is very out of wack.

6) I feel like I am losing my mind, like I am on the verge of snapping and completely losing it. I often fear I will experience psychosis and never return to "reality"

7) I don't hear voices but I fear I will. The main thing is, I get so stuck in my mind that its hard to snap out of it and I fear my mind will cause some kind of hallucination or my thoughts will overcome my sense of reality. I hope you understand.

numb emotions and random laughter. I laugh randomly because its so miserable and my emotions are numb I can never describe how I feel like I am detached from them.

9) Detachment from emotions, surroundings, friends, family and even body although I always maintain awareness of these things (Again its like in two worlds at once)

10) Paranoia, I am paranoid of my health, of medications of my symptoms, of foods, and drinks and even certain random things. like I wont drink Gatorade or vitamins or something because I get scared its going to increase anxiety or being stuck in my head. I am very sensitive and fragile

11) I spend all my energy and focus on just trying to stay sane and keep my symptoms at bay, its exhausting and like I said I barly shower, shave, eat or anything... I get so damn stuck in my crazy head constantly. I sometimes will run a bath, and then leave the tub full because I am scared to take a bath because I dont wanna see everything around me start disinergrating around me and start thinking obsesively while freaking myself out. I often get more stuck in my head and have weird things happen when i am in the bathroom. I sometimes wear the same clothes for days if not weaks. and its not that I dont want to clean myself or anything its that my mind is so messed up that I dont.

12) Its hard to hold conversations or be engaged in an activity for awhile such as school or work. I start to drift and get tunnel vision and become more stuck in my mind.

13) Isolation is prevelant too, I isloate myself too much but it makes thing worst.

14) I have irrational thinking as well, like I avoid certain things because I fear.

15) I sometimes get weird images in my head, like faces of residents from where I work, or of my mom, or of weird things and I try and shut them down right away.

16) I will have things repeat in my head like a broken record, usually its a part of a song or a quote of somekind, or the voice of a resident or friend or cowoker or family member. I know its my mind imitating them, there just thoughts but it scares me like I am beginning schizophrenia

I have abnormal fears too, I look at myself in the mirror and its like it isn't me. As mentioned above, I don't shower or shave or take care of myself often. My hygiene is very poor due to panic attacks and being stuck in my mind more so then usual in the bathroom.

I haven't had a haircut in awhile because I have been so anxious that I am going insane. I do tend to Isolate myself a lot. I do have insomnia I don't sleep until 7am and don't get up until like 2 or 3pm

I have my worst anxiety between 3am and 4am but I start to calm down and wind down afterwords. I created this fear with obsessive thinking.

To add as well, where I work I have seen 3 people die, 1 person stop breathing and have had a lot of bloody spills and traumatic experiences there it is a very stressful Job. I work around chronic mentally ill people and alcoholics. Its a housing complex for homeless alcoholics. Its very stressful and shifts vary sometimes you work 11-7am 3-11pm 12-8am 4-12 am etc etc.

I know there is more to add but this is the big picture. I probably forgot symptoms but, oh yeah, memory loss is big, I hardly remember my childhood or anything in the past its like a big blur, I have changed so many times that its hard to tell who I really am. I have been so many different people in one body it feels like.

Another thing to add is I have a spinal injury from a car accident and that has been stressful 3 vertebrae are damaged and I see a chiropractor weekly. I also have 21k in debt via student loans and car payments. Its a lot of crap that adds up... Thank you if you humbly took the time to read all of this. In your opinion, is this likely DP/DR or is it the onset of Schizophrenia or something severe such as Psychosis?

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD and DP/DR symptoms but not this disorder. also to add, I have a family history of Bipolar and alcoholism. I am 100% Sober now though, no tobacco no nothing.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Thanks for the reply, I notice when my anxiety is really high and my dissociation is really bad I start tripping balls, like I feel like I am floating in space spinning really fast in a cloud of nothingness or I will start feeling tormented for no reason and I cant snap out of it. I think I psych myself out sometimes. But its horrifying when you don't have a grip on your surroundings or anything its like lights on no ones home. At the mercy of ones own mind.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Ive never done any psychedelic drugs but its like a real bad constant acid trip or something (Even though I never did acid lol)


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Sounds like DP to me, there are a few things that don't match though like seeing shadows etc but mayb that's because u have irrational fears and are looking out for things and making things up in ur mind.

Weed is know to cause and trigger derealization so I'd probly stay off the weed. You may want to practice meditation daily and do some concentration exercises to help keep you focused and not so stuck in ur head. Have u thought about working with a trauma specialist? I would recommend finding someone who treats and specializes in complex PTSD and childhood trauma/ personality disorders.

There is an excellent product to help with depression, feeling of well being and to help ur mind stay sharp it's called colloidal gold, I recommend getting this one: http://www.purestcolloids.com/mesogold.php it is pure quality, u only need a teaspoon a day and really helps with depression plus it's natural.

Another thing that may contribute to a lot of things is diet I recommend going on a dairy, wheat and gluten free diet. All my crazy thoughts, repeating songs in my head, being stuck in my head too much all went away once I went on this diet.

I think if you clean yourself up, change your eating, do daily body scan meditation, take the colloidal gold and do some concentration exercises it will really help you get in a state of calm and then you can deal with all your other issues.

You could also think about joining a support group to take the first step to get out of isolation, you need support and a place where u can express how ur feeling and ppl can help u in a non judgmental way.

Did your mother have schtizophrenia? Do u live with anyone currently, do u have friends or any family that u see?

Hope that helps xx


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

And u probly wana start paying attention to ur inner dialogue, create a supporting inner voice and learn some techniques in dealing with OCD thoughts


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

No my mother did not have schizophrenia, No schizophrenia is in my family that I am aware of. I have a supportive grandmother, uncle and aunt as well as a cousin or two plus two friends, I have trust issues so I don't get close to them and I come off as if I want nothing to do with them (which why I don't last in relationships lol) I do live with a roommate but that's a messed up story. It was basically an online relationship that went bad, She moved in, broke up with me and is now with my best friend.. all this days after she moved in lol. But me an her are cool. I will elaborate on the hallucinations. I don't get them often but very rarely. Most times I think I hallucinated I found out there was actually something there. Everything seems so surreal and its like I am looking at life through thick goggles so its hard to really register what I see. Like I seen a fly in my friends bedroom but I couldn't tell if it was a fly or if it was my wacky visual stuff going on. I found out it was a fly lol. I see a therapist weekly but he is kind of young and Naïve but I am willing to work with him. To add to the visuals, I think the rare hallucinations are caused by an overstressed brain and they are rare, only during, right before or right after bad anxiety attacks do they occur. And its very brief and subtle. I often anticipate hallucinations so I think that plays a role in some of the visual stuff. Regardless, I know when my anxiety levels are fairly low I am fine, just dust specs of black or white occasionally appear which is a part of the whole brain fog symptom. Regarding weed, alcohol or other drugs I have not drank or smoked or anything in almost 2 years (Besides 1 beer here and there but non in the past 3 months) When My anxiety is controlled I am fairly functional all though the DPDR is constant but very more so when I am really anxious. I believe the hallucinations can be attributed to hypervigilance


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Now that I have had moments of stability I have figured out that almost all of this symptom stuff is anxiety related however the constant DPDR seems to cause anxiety as intrusive thoughts kick in during bad episodes


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

missjess said:


> Sounds like DP to me, there are a few things that don't match though like seeing shadows etc but mayb that's because u have irrational fears and are looking out for things and making things up in ur mind.


What are the few things that don't match up? is it simply that sometimes I am seeing things? or is there more to it?


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Doberg said:


> What are the few things that don't match up? is it simply that sometimes I am seeing things? or is there more to it?


Yeah just that, you deff sound like u have dpdr without a doubt. And if u have trust issues well that's something to work on within the group as u will have safety, no judgement and u will be treated nicely.

If u can find some coping strategies for intrusive thoughts & excessive self monitoring & OCD that wud help u a lot 
Just hearing with the way u speak I can tell u are hyper aware and hyper vigilant, just try to not pay attention to those kind of anxiety provoking thoughts, start to separate urself from them.


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