# Help...scared. PLEASE READ



## betterplease (Feb 27, 2010)

Sorry for the super-long post but I'm really scared right now...I'd really really appreciate any advice or recommendations.

I'd never heard of DP before. I've felt like I've been going crazy recently...here's my story:

I'm a college student now. I guess you could say that I didn't have the greatest childhood. There were a lot of good parts, but I've also had a tumultuous emotional relationship with my father. I don't have high self esteem and have always had social anxieties and was shy. In high school, I used to have panic attacks (usually stimulated by school stress/fights with parents--thought I was having a heart attack) and depression. Also a history of ADD and space-temporal issues that arose around 3rd grade. It's hard to remember exactly, I know it was really hard for me at the time, but I was able to internalize it and distract myself. I think I told myself that things would be completely better once I got out of the house and went away to school. The thing is...everything was great my first year, I had an incredible time. This year, my second year, however, a lot has changed. I'm still happy and I have close friends and a boyfriend who loves me, but I've become a lot more freaked out about achieving the goal I've imagined for myself and I feel like I'm not good enough and even when I try hard, nothing really turns out for me. One of my best friends turned out not to be who I thought she was and that was her too. There's so many obstacles in my life I don't want to face--and my social anxieties and the perceived lack of intelligence make it really hard.

Anyway, starting around November, I started to get these BAD feelings. It comes in cycles of about every 2-3 weeks. I'd feel fine but then, for some reason (it can be a variety of triggers), I'd get these depressed/anxious thoughts. Triggers are things such as guilt, stress about exams, stress about the future, etc. Sometimes I'd get a song stuck in my head and it would just go over and over again with these thoughts. I'll continuously freak out about it, and all the everyday things I feel like I just can't do or are out of my comfort zone. It would usually get worse at night too...I'm not a fan of the dark. When this is happening I feel like I'm just kind of doing automated things/just a shell of myself. I can put on the emotions and look happy but inside I want nothing to do with my friends or anything. It's really frightening...everything seems so different, I just want to get away and feel very irritable even though I don't act that way. I've been quick to blame it on my social anxiety, and isolate myself. I really feel most comfortable when I'm at home in my bed, on my computer or watching tv. Anyway, it's extremely unsettling and really exacerbates my initial anxieties...it's like a creepy feeling to me. does that sound right? The first few times I really noticed it, I kind of shook it off eventually. It keeps returning, and it gets worse. In December/January, the two episodes I had I eventually started crying and crying. It finally got to the point where I couldn't internalize it anymore, and told my boyfriend/started to see a psychologist.

My worst episode so far happened this weekend. I'm on my school spring break, and had made plans with my two roommates to go to New York City. A couple days before, I had had a horrible midterm schedule (1 essay, 3 midterms, french test -- 3 days). After this was finally over, my boyfriend had a midterm the next day and went to sleep early...my friend and I decided to go out, and I just decided to not tell him. I didn't do anything wrong...but my friend almost mentioned it and I started feeling extremely guilty, which led to sort of the depressed feeling. We spent all day on the train to NYC, and I was just so out of it and depressed and lost all enthusiasm about going. The city really stressed me out--weird because I typically love cities/shopping. I started to feel more out of it than ever. I had zero interest in shopping with my friends and there were too many people and the travel was just intimidating; i just couldn't stabilize myself and enjoy the moments. I was really freaked out about how I'd been feeling, thought I was going crazy, couldn't handle my friends/felt really separate from them. I finally broke down and told them. This made me feel better for awhile, but as we continued to shop I eventually couldn't take it anymore and started to panic. When we got back to the hotel I started crying and couldn't stop..I didn't really feel better at all, just so out of it, panicked, and unhappy. I just wanted to get home, but I couldn't. My mom took the train in and stayed with me. I still didn't feel back to myself though, and when I woke up the next morning I felt so claustrophobic and like I couldn't handle getting up, going outside, and taking the train home with my mom. I finally made myself, and it was horrible...I was so sad.

It's nearly a week later and I still don't feel back to normal. I just feel numb, and still out of it. My parents and friends all comment on how I do seem to be fine, although a bit emotionless. The only person I really feel comfortable around is my mom, and I feel best inside my house. The anxiety over myself is kind of gone...its more taken over by whats going to happen to me and how I have to go through my life when I feel this horrible. I'm supposed to fly back to school on Sunday but I can't even think about that because it's so daunting: I feel like my friends don't get it and I don't feel like interacting or explaining it to them. I've completely lost my appetite and even when I have made myself eat a fair amount I've still managed to lose 5 pounds since Friday. My boyfriend loves me and is always telling me he'll help me through it but he doesn't get every aspect of it either. I can tell that they pick up on how flat I'm acting and that's demoralizing. I'm terrified of having another episode, especially when I'm at school and not in my house/with my family. It's a lot to worry/be depressed about.

I went to the psychiatrist, who prescribed me Celexa. This hasn't really helped, although I'm told I should wait for it to set in. It makes me feel really woozy and stuff. He also prescribed me Lorzepam, but I had bad side effects with that so I'm stopping it.

Questions:

1. does this actually sound like DP? or in combination with a panic disorder/depression or something? i read online that DP as a disorder itself is rare, but yeah, I don't know. I told my boyfriend a bit about it and he said to be careful not to try to fit myself into something just to be able to pinpoint it. 
2. I take adderall for my ADD. 20 mg xr a day; I don't abuse it or anything. I can't tell if this is causing or helping the symptoms. I still feel detatched when I take it and I'm in these states, but it does make it a little easier to get up and go about things and makes me a little less panicked/depressed, but I'm not sure if it's subtly causing these feelings...
3. I've always had some effects of 'visual snow' or kind of grainy vision...it seems to have gotten worse since my incident this weekend. Does this have anything to do with DP? Might just be me wearing my contacts too much or something too...
4. I took birth control from October-January, although stopped it because I thought it was causing these episodes. Does this have anything to do with it? Also, I had a kind of bad MDMA experience in October, and things started to go downhill late November, as well as a bad shrooms trip almost a year ago that I think did end up affecting my anxieties and stuff. Could these have caused anything?
5. Are there recommendations for antidepression/antianxiety meds that are known to help with this?


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

this doesn't sound too much like DP to me. while it does sound terrible and sad that you have this trouble it just doesn't quite strike me as dissociating, unless by spaced out you mean detatched from yourself and/or the world around you. the thing i notice with DP is that when people have it and read the symptoms they usually get an "O MY GOD, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE" reaction. so if this wasn't the way you felt when you read the symptoms of DP then you are probably dealing with something else, with potential symptoms of DP, which is much more common than DP itself. which would also be a good thing because DP is tremendously difficult to treat. i'm no psychologist but this is my opinion from what you wrote, being a little more specific on exactly what you felt like at it's worste may help to discern if you are feeling DP or not.


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## betterplease (Feb 27, 2010)

Yeah, when I came across the Wikipedia page and read it, I felt really relieved. It definitely seemed to relate to the way I'm feeling now, and the the way I've felt in the middle of other episodes once the anxieties and the depression start particularly. Everything looks flat and depressing, or really separate. I feel like things are moving so fast and I can't engage, definitely really emotionally detatched. I feel like I don't know how to act around others or hide this, I know the things to say but it doesn't really feel like I'm engaged. The only real emotion I feel is the panic and my sadness over it occasionally. I feel completely different around my family and friends; until I talk to them they feel like different people even though I know they're not. I haven't been able to snap out of this since I came back from New York City...maybe it isn't DP but I feel like I'm definitely feeling symptoms trying to battle with my anxiety and depression, which just makes all of it worse.

Here's symptoms I copied and pasted another page that I'm experiencing:

- Emotional numbing (for both positive and negative affect) 
- Lack of Empathy 
- Sense of isolation 
- Depression
- Anxiety 
- Dream-like state
- Loss of motivation 
- Mind 'emptiness or 'racing thoughts' 
- Memory Impairments 
- Difficulty in processing new information
- Partial or total physiological numbing
- Feelings of weightlessness/hollowness 
- Dizziness 
- Loss of a sense of recognition to one's own reflection and voice.
- Changed perception of time


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

oh ok, much better description. yup, unfortuantely that sounds like DP/DR. fortunately there is an upside to your case, you have not had it for very long so it should be easier to overcome. right away you have to know that you should not fear these feelings. they are a natural defense mechanism and will only stop if you do not let negative feelings or thoughts reinforce them. please try not to worry, it will save you from this disorder. the whole reason so many people have this for so long and have such a hard time treating it is that they get in a negative train of thought and lock DP in. all you have to do is say no, i am going to be happy and fine and start living like nothing is wronge.


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## betterplease (Feb 27, 2010)

Yeah, I hate this. I just want it to go away. I get so depressed when I'm in my house and feel so nervous about things I have to do, and my vision is grainy so its hard to forget about it. I tried to make myself go to the mall today with friends; i was panicking while driving but managed to talk myself down. Inside the store was worse...my vision got blurrier and I felt soo out of it and like I needed to find my friends or i would faint. I felt a little better outside where it was a little cooler. Driving is so weird like this...I get nervous bc I feel like I'm too dazed and could get distracted or have slow reaction and crash. Oddly enough, now that I'm back and home I feel slightly better and like its a little more manageable. I guess I'll try and keep doing those things though...it gets really hard when I'm alone. Even though i dont feel with most conversations it all, it kind of distracts the panic a bit. I'll explain to my psychiatrist how I think it is this, I hope he understands...


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## kittyk (Mar 2, 2010)

Hello Better please,

When I read your post I felt like I had written it myself the only exception is I am 34 no and have four children. I am also taking 20 mg of adderall everyday and have been since Novemeber. I wonder how much of this is due to the medicine? I feel like I can finally function with it but all this anxiety and awareness definately has it's drawbacks! Have you tried to go off of it for awhile and see if the symptoms stay?


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

betterplease said:


> Yeah, I hate this. I just want it to go away. I get so depressed when I'm in my house and feel so nervous about things I have to do, and my vision is grainy so its hard to forget about it. I tried to make myself go to the mall today with friends; i was panicking while driving but managed to talk myself down. Inside the store was worse...my vision got blurrier and I felt soo out of it and like I needed to find my friends or i would faint. I felt a little better outside where it was a little cooler. Driving is so weird like this...I get nervous bc I feel like I'm too dazed and could get distracted or have slow reaction and crash. Oddly enough, now that I'm back and home I feel slightly better and like its a little more manageable. I guess I'll try and keep doing those things though...it gets really hard when I'm alone. Even though i dont feel with most conversations it all, it kind of distracts the panic a bit. I'll explain to my psychiatrist how I think it is this, I hope he understands...


Don't want it to go away. Accept it and try to focus on things you like to do and not on your symptoms. 
I know exactly how you feel, because that's the way I was feeling when this started, but once you learn to accept it, it will be much easier to deal with it.


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## Daphne (Apr 16, 2010)

Hello,
I'm not a native English speaker so please don't mind my mistakes. 
My case seems to be similar to yours. 
I have taken MDMA last June (end of the month) and got DP after, first only some short episodes of some minutes and in Septembre it became really severe.
I also really don't have the best childhood and also had some psychological problems (depression, aspects of borderline disorder - but no diagnosis, only some symptoms of this).
I think, the MDMA has opened some kind of gate, that I'm now aware of all the shit I've experienced with my parents. DP is also connected with emotional abuse, so I think the MDMA has only triggered it.
Symptoms of DP are getting better as I try to overcome my childhood trauma, but only very slowly.
Daphne


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