# I feel empty : Depression or Depersonalization ?



## Kiljio (Apr 12, 2020)

Good evening everyone,

First of all, thank you very much to the people who take the time to read and help others on this forum. I hope to find an help here, because I no longer believe doctors, psychologists for a long time. I'm trying to find the solution by myself. I also want to clarify that I am not an English speaker and that there may be some errors in my text.

To introduce myself, I am a young man who is 25 years old and I am currently experiencing permanent discomfort since the age of 15 and which has deteriorated over the years.

I have always been anxious by nature and my symptoms worsened during my adolescence but I lived with them.
Until my 20s, when I fell into the Cannabis trap. My first joints were indescribably happy, except for a few badtrips, but I continued to smoke. Cannabis allowed me to realize that I was living in permanent generalized and social anxiety.

I decided to consult a psychiatrist, I was prescribed Deroxat (SSRI). I started taking it while continuing to smoke cannabis. A few weeks later, the cannabis effect became a nightmare, no more feelings of well-being, repeated badtrips with extreme anxiety attacks. My heart was beating so much that I started to say goodbye to life. I continued hoping that the magic effect of the first times would return. Until the day I understood that I returned to a state of intense anxiety, depression, and maybe depersonalization.

Nothing was the same as before: weird perception of things, tired, apathy, anhedonia, nonexistent libido, very blunted emotions ,cognitive problem, head pressure, nose pressure (that make me sneeze constantly), heart beating all over my body.

I consulted, I searched on the internet/forums, I tried a lot of medicine, food supplements, plants, but nothing relieved me.
Any drug like alcohol or medication I was taking brought me no improvement.
The alcohol for example accentuated my anhedonia my lethargy. The impression that my brain was defending itself or that my dopaminergic receptors were damaged forever.

I continued to live with those symptoms, accepting them and trying to live normally, but it is very difficult.
I created a kind of self awareness, I am constantly focused on my body, on my head and nose pressure (which becomes worse when I am lying down). And this physical discomfort does not help me to feel good or to meditate well. it creates a kind of frustration that creates anxiety.

But it's mainly the anhedonia and the lack of emotion that I miss. My creative sense, my imagination, happy dreams, libido. I feel like I am anesthetized without a personality.

Today I feel like I'm getting used to living like this. I force myself to work, to move forward, telling myself that I would find the solution one day.
In recent weeks and with confinement, it has allowed me to refocus on my problems. I realize my youth slowly dies, I live without living, without being myself.

I certainly made a big mistake with cannabis. But I tell myself that cannabis only worsens symptoms that were already present.
This week I took a treadmill to exercise, my heartbeat all over my body bothers me a lot.
I no longer feel the happiness of endorphin release after sports.
On the contrary, I have the impression that it increases my anxiety. I continue and hope one day that will change.

I also started meditating but it's hard to stay awake and focused. But I force myself and I continue and I notice that when I redirect my attention sometimes to my feet or heart I have a slight feeling of well being which appears and disappears.

Now I can't figure out what I really have, whether it's depersonalization or anxiety with depression. But with depression you feel sad. I don't feel sad, I feel neutral, my emotions are anesthetized. I would like to feel sadness.
In fact I am constantly listening to my body that I am not connected to life which, moreover, seems dull.

If someone has already experienced my symptoms, can give me advice, guidance, I would be very grateful. Thank you also for taking the time to read my text,

Strength and courage in this difficult period, pay attention to yourself,
Wishing you a pleasant evening.


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## RunToMe (May 30, 2019)

Hey Kiljio,

i feel the same like you. I wish i could do soemthing for you. The most said advice: Acceptance, distration and grounding on your former living. And act like you have feelings.

Can i ask you, where you are from.

I am from germany


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## RunToMe (May 30, 2019)

https://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/20892-the-holy-grail-of-curing-dpdr/


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

This is me, I feel the same. It has become worse over time,accumulated stress and anxiety. And now I don't even feel anything no anxiety no stress nothing. My cognition is my worse symptom. It's gone, I am dead inside.


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## RunToMe (May 30, 2019)

Hey Ardity,

how you can live with that ? What about tiredness and hunger/appetite. Meds dont work on me. Can you sleep ?


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

RunToMe said:


> Hey Ardity,
> 
> how you can live with that ? What about tiredness and hunger/appetite. Meds dont work on me. Can you sleep ?


I am very active, I work out almost 6 times a week. I am pretty socially active, but I don't feel anything, no time no interaction. I am very much on auto pilot, and I don't really say much, because there's nothing in my mind. It's weird, if you'd see me you would think there's nothing wrong with me. Because I am that active,exercsing does not help anything either. Yes I can sleep, but I don't dream,nor can I visualize anything or plan anything in my head. I feel hunger yes. I do everything but I am far from alive. I just do it because I need to. It's better than laying on my bed, which I did for years btw. But


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## 35467 (Dec 31, 2010)

"Runtome" has major depression with secondary symptoms of depersonalisation. So, he talks about vegetive symptoms related to major depression like anhedonia, feeling tried, insomnia, loss of appetite as if these symptoms is shared on this forum in a severe and more serious degree as in major depression he experiences it. So, many conversations becomes meaningless because it is two totally diffrent states.


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## Kiljio (Apr 12, 2020)

Hello, first of all I wanted to thank you for your answers.

-------------To answer your answers------------

Thank you my friend, I would like to do the same for everyone who suffers from this too. I do not wish this state even to my worst enemy. But unfortunately we have no magic wand.

Do you feel the same as I do in a state of general ill-being or in terms of all the symptoms like head pressure, nose pressure ? No drug/stimulant effect.

I would like to come back to the advice you give.

Acceptance : So we have to accept to continue living with this knowing that it is our eternal state? Or does the fact of accepting help to alleviate certain symptoms or even make them disappear?

Distraction: We can continue to be distracted. I keep doing it but it doesn't help me. If emotions are blunted, distraction is no longer fun. And we tend to refocus and say to ourselves: "why don't I feel emotion?"

Grounding on your former living : I did not understand what you mean? Erase the past from our lives, continue living in the present moment?

Im from France bro.



RunToMe said:


> Hey Kiljio,
> 
> i feel the same like you. I wish i could do soemthing for you. The most said advice: Acceptance, distration and grounding on your former living. And act like you have feelings.
> 
> ...


Do you have exactly the same symptoms? Following the consumption of cannabis or following the accumulation of stress?

Are you constantly listening to your body? . In fact it is a vicious circle because I understood that the brain blunt the emotions so as not to make us suffer. And the fact that he reacts like that leads us to a state of depression without emotions.



Aridity said:


> This is me, I feel the same. It has become worse over time,accumulated stress and anxiety. And now I don't even feel anything no anxiety no stress nothing. My cognition is my worse symptom. It's gone, I am dead inside.


Have you tried regular meditation? Are you also constantly listening to how your body reacts ?

What effect does alcohol have on you, for example? Don't you think it worsens blunted emotions? For my part it does this to me while being in another state of consciousness, it inhibits but I always stay tuned to my body, without joy or rush of dopamine



RunToMe said:


> Hey Ardity,
> 
> how you can live with that ? What about tiredness and hunger/appetite. Meds dont work on me. Can you sleep ?


It's exactly the same for me, I'm like a robot without creativity. The cognitive side is very frustrating. Very difficult to create scenarios in my head, to concentrate while watching a film besides no pleasure to see, my reasoning can sometimes be difficult if I am facing a difficult job / problem. Basically the instant effect of creativity, imagination, thought reasoned is no longer present.

You are right to keep getting up, to live, to work. As long as there is life there is hope.



Aridity said:


> I am very active, I work out almost 6 times a week. I am pretty socially active, but I don't feel anything, no time no interaction. I am very much on auto pilot, and I don't really say much, because there's nothing in my mind. It's weird, if you'd see me you would think there's nothing wrong with me. Because I am that active,exercsing does not help anything either. Yes I can sleep, but I don't dream,nor can I visualize anything or plan anything in my head. I feel hunger yes. I do everything but I am far from alive. I just do it because I need to. It's better than laying on my bed, which I did for years btw. But


Depression can be the result of depersonalization, no ?

I also have similar symptoms, but with a kind of being disconnected from the world. When I see myself in the mirror, it's a weird feeling like you're disconnected from the one you see in the mirror. Basically it is a disconnection from a world with a blurred vision of the world. When you see a beautiful thing, you see that it is a thing without seeing it beautiful, without it giving you emotions



Mayer-Gross said:


> "Runtome" has major depression with secondary symptoms of depersonalisation. So, he talks about vegetive symptoms related to major depression like anhedonia, feeling tried, insomnia, loss of appetite as if these symptoms is shared on this forum in a severe and more serious degree as in major depression he experiences it. So, many conversations becomes meaningless because it is two totally diffrent states.


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

I have tried very much my friend, meditation and all that. I do not drink alcohol anymore because I am afraid of it. It used to help me a lot back in the day when I still had much anxiety.


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## Kartik (Apr 2, 2020)

I want to ask you few questons -


 How is your breathing pattern? Do you feel resistance during inhalation or exhalation?
Do you feel unpleasant sensation in your navel region ? stomach, gas, acidity issues if any?
Do you feel tightness in hamstrings, groin muscles ? Hip mobility? Are you able to bend forward easily?
Pain in your knees?
Tightness in throat/neck region? 
Pain/unpleasant sensation in chest, heart region if any?
Do you see bright light when you close your eyes? Is it comfortable/uncomfortable?

Waiting for your answers!


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## bintuae (Jan 17, 2017)

Kiljio said:


> Good evening everyone,
> 
> First of all, thank you very much to the people who take the time to read and help others on this forum. I hope to find an help here, because I no longer believe doctors, psychologists for a long time. I'm trying to find the solution by myself. I also want to clarify that I am not an English speaker and that there may be some errors in my text.
> 
> ...


I've been experiencing this now for nearly 6 years. I never took cannabis but I did seroxat (for very long time). not sure what caused it for me but after the seroxat, I developed anhedonia, emotional and physical numbness, lethargy, no libido, no desire for the opposite sex, brain fog, dp/dr. I think the dopamine receptor is fuckd.

FYI, depression doesn't mean only being sad, it can be emotional numbness or irritability. Also, dp/dr is rarely a condition by itself. Many people on here have it triggered by anxiety, or trauma, and there also who have it triggered by depression. One time, my symptoms suddenly lifted and strangely enough, dp/dr went away with it. I felt lively and like myself again. I could connect with people and things and stopped viewing the world in third person.

I'd say we most likely have severe drug-induced depression resulting in dp/dr.


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## leminaseri (Jul 1, 2020)

Kartik said:


> I want to ask you few questons -
> 
> 
> How is your breathing pattern? Do you feel resistance during inhalation or exhalation?
> ...


hey i have most of those symptoms.


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## Kwabiah Kwakye Aikins (Oct 2, 2020)

I have most of the symptoms


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