# Why not just end it...



## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

With 22 different disorders, I think it's fair to say that I am screwed up (for those of you wondering, not one of those is self-diagnosed). Everyone hates me. In fact, I was the most popular torture victim in school (no shit...I was so fun to torture junior year, that they picked me for a second year). I have no prospects for the future (despite getting a full scholarship to Johns Hopkins University...even though I'm not bragging, let me be, I'll be dead in a few days...). I have no conceivable reason for getting up in the morning. I don't know if this will actually result in the extinguishing of my "consciousness," since I have no idea what is true and what is not. After all, how do I even know what I think is reason really is reason? However, I will finally try to do what 37 attempts have failed to do. So. Any suggestions?


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

XEPER said:


> However, I will finally try to do what 37 attempts have failed to do. So. Any suggestions?


If this means you actually tried thirty seven different methods, I probably don't have any suggestions for you.

On the other hand, if you just tried the same thing 37 different times, maybe you should switch to something else.

In either event, what's so special about the 38th try?

My best suggestion for you, however: pick yourself up and go to JHU.

And keep talking to us, we're not going anywhere.

e


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Some were the same, some were different. Considering that my first suicide attempt came at age 7, it comes as no surprise that I've failed so many times. Some of them weren't wholehearted either, but some were.

Here's what I've tried so far:
Seppuku (that came the closest)
Wrist slashing (doesn't even leave a mark anymore)
Stabbing at the Heart
Slashing at the Throat
Drowning
Suffocation
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
Banging My Head Against the Wall (I was having a psychosis)

I've been to the hospital so many times, it's like my third home. In case you're wondering, Barnes & Noble is my second home.


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Tch


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

XEPER said:


> Some were the same, some were different. Considering that my first suicide attempt came at age 7, it comes as no surprise that I've failed so many times. Some of them weren't wholehearted either, but some were.
> 
> Here's what I've tried so far:
> Seppuku (that came the closest)
> ...


It's certainly not as easy to do as it sounds (as I found out first hand).

Have you told anybody about these feelings? Because a website really isn't an appropriate venue to deal with this. (Unless you just happen to have a lot that you want to talk about, and "Why not just end it" is basically an attention-getter.)

e


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Alright, I've initiated the sequence. I've cut off most contacts, I haven't yet registered for courses.

I can feel my psychoses starting up again. My demons have awoken; they're beckoning me to come to them. The Siren's Song they play on harps made of bones and hair that I've lost due to stress. I can feel the Men In Black pounding my ribs to the shatter point. I can see everyone I know, everyone I care about jeering at me, goading me towards my inevitable doom. The Via Dolorosa is prepared; I see Calvary before me; they want to crucify and immolate me, as they do every night in my dreams. And I...I just want to give in...

Please help me...


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Everybody Hates Me


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

But not as much as


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

I'm going to go cry in my corner now, waiting for the Reaper to take me home with him...


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

XEPER said:


> Alright, I've initiated the sequence. I've cut off most contacts, I haven't yet registered for courses.
> 
> I can feel my psychoses starting up again. My demons have awoken; they're beckoning me to come to them. The Siren's Song they play on harps made of bones and hair that I've lost due to stress. I can feel the Men In Black pounding my ribs to the shatter point. I can see everyone I know, everyone I care about jeering at me, goading me towards my inevitable doom. The Via Dolorosa is prepared; I see Calvary before me; they want to crucify and immolate me, as they do every night in my dreams. And I...I just want to give in...
> 
> Please help me...


Maybe you better call 9-1-1.

Nobody can really help you through a website.

Nice writing, btw.

e


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

Have you tried therapy?

Incidentally, if you genuinely do feel a psychosis coming on it might be an idea to ring up a hospital and get some kind of medication so as to at least lessen the impact. It can't make it much worse, I suppose.

You seem to have gone through so much pain. I hope things do eventually get better for you.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

*SEEK HELP NOW.* ! That's an order, from a soon-to-be moderator and the soon-to-be-words greatest living author.

Seriously and to the point, you seem majorly screwed up. But we've all been there, in one sense or another, and suicide - while an appealing option when you're in the depths of hell, is pointless. Think about it. You can, and will, recover, and get to enjoy life. You can. Although the severity of my illness was knowhere near as bad as you'rs sounds, I recovered, and plenty of others on here did as well. Trust me. Please don't do anything that you won't be around to regret....


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

I have tried therapy, and what a prodigious ancillary...
Concerning the antipsychotics...medications tend to make things worse for me...
Did I mention I also tried starvation?

*YES I DO HAVE A LOT TO TAlK ABOUT. MAYBE SOMEONE WILL UNDERSTAND ME BEFORE I PERISH!*

Has anyone else been bedridden for days, crying like a little child (though I never did that when I was a child, for some reason) because one can feel oneself dissolving atom by atom into a cold, excruciating void of nothing as one's inner demons compel oneself to think only of one's non-existence?
Hmm, if I survive this (which, hopefully, I won't), I might start a topic about that particular symptom on the Depersonalization Discussion page...

I'm afraid it isn't certain whether or not recovery is even still in the question, but it does seem that only two paths are bestowed upon me (and only one of them seems practical)...

AVT VINCERE AVT MORI


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

XEPER said:


> *YES I DO HAVE A LOT TO TAlK ABOUT. MAYBE SOMEONE WILL UNDERSTAND ME BEFORE I PERISH!*


That's better, let's talk.



> Has anyone else been bedridden for days,


Yes, actually.

As a teenager I practically lived in bed.

I'd even cover the windows with blankets to black out the room, and just lie there listening to music.

My mother had to bring food to me.



> crying like a little child


Crying spells, yes.

They'd just hit out of the blue, at the most unexpected moments, for absolutely no reason.



> because one can feel oneself dissolving atom by atom into a cold, excruciating void of nothing as one's inner demons compel oneself to think only of one's non-existence?


I've _been_ there.



> I'm afraid it isn't certain whether or not recovery is even still in the question,


As long as you're alive, it _is_.



> but it does seem that only two paths are bestowed upon me (and only one of them seems practical)...


You mean, only one of them seems _easy_.

The more difficult one may seem terrifying to you, but that's just how it feels right now.

Work through these feelings, _talk_ about them, then move on to the very bright future that surely awaits you (you didn't win that full scholarship to Johns Hopkins University in a breakfast cereal sweepstake).

You're obviously highly intelligent, and you can make of this life whatever you want to.

You just have to make it through this extremely difficult and frustrating period.

I'm not BS'ing you, things _will work out_ (you've obviously got a lot going for you).



> AVT VINCERE AVT MORI


Aut vincere for sure (but that's only possible if you have a pulse).

Take care,

e


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

I'm afraid I don't see the source of your optimism; whenever I get some glimmer of hope, that elusive pearl is dashed across the rocky crags of despair by the relentless waves of extreme nihilism that accompany one with both dp/dr and a philosophical mindset.

But I do appreciate your support. I just wish I could agree with you.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

XEPER said:


> I'm afraid I don't see the source of your optimism; whenever I get some glimmer of hope, that elusive pearl is dashed across the rocky crags of despair by the relentless waves of extreme nihilism that accompany one with both dp/dr and a philosophical mindset.
> 
> But I do appreciate your support. I just wish I could agree with you.


You're very deeply depressed right now.

_*Get Help.*_

e


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

And where do I turn for help?
To those pretentious therapists who have such divine confidence in their ability to treat that they don't even bother?
To my parents, who wouldn't blink if I had a heart attack in front of them?
To my friends, who don't even EXIST?

Where, Mr./Ms./Mrs. Enigma, where do I turn for help?

I, just as everyone else, am all alone...


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Please keep talking and DO NOT do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE. You are NOT alone, we are here for you and I myself am weeping for you.  HANG IN THERE AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL!
I have felt this desperate before and I wanted to end it all. Read this it helped me once.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

XEPER said:


> I, just as everyone else, am all alone...


That's the ultimate tragedy of humanity: We are, one and all of us, ultimately alone.

It's something that every human being has to face (including all those for whom life seems worth living).

I myself don't really have anyone to turn to that I can speak of.

But I don't think I want them anyway, because they're all just too different from me, and what they think is best for me is always constellations away from what _I_ think is best for me.

So I prefer to make my own decisions, and my own plans.

And it's the latter that gives me hope, and makes me want to live in spite of everything that seems wrong. (And there's a lot.)

That's how I manage to find the strength to slog on anyway.

Live in _spite_ of those who tormented you.

Throw in the towel, and you surrender to a bunch of enemies who would probably just find the news of your demise lightly entertaining (no, they will _not_ all be sorry when you're dead, if that's what you're thinking. And don't say that you aren't, because everybody always _does_).

And that's _Mr_ Enigma, btw.

e


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

I don't care if they derive enjoyment. Let them. I'm quite inured to people attaining cruel pleasure from torturing me. I never once, even for a fraction of a second, thought that anyone would feel the slightest bit of sorrow...or even a buzzkill, for that matter. I want to die because I'm just tired of this nauseating cesspool that you call "life."


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Well trying to give advice to someone like yo right now is tough. All I can say is time brings change. More than anything you sound depressed. I'm no doctor and can't diagnose, but the poetics of your posts indicate that you are far from psychosis, but for God's sake don't take my word for it. You do sound bloody depressed, you sound like a charicature of depression even, no offense. These imaginative, nihilistic thoughts you speak of are a hallmark of depression in intelligent creative people such as yourself. 
You certainly don't seem beyind repair.
Even though I don't know you, from the posts in this thread it seems your biggest problem is that you have never really had a life. Lord I know that sounds harsh, but you've admitted it yourself; no friends etc. So the fact that you've had no life has allowed your mental state to deteriorate unimpeded. I can relate to everything that you say, but the difference between us is that I have always maintained good friendships, and led an otherwise normal, occasionally amazing life. Sorry it sounds like I'm rubbing it in your face. The _only_ thing that has ever worked for me is focusing outwards and forcing myself to live, DAMN IT!!!!! Reality/life then has a habit of finding its way back to me, I certainly have never found reality/life whilst consciously looking for it, one never does. 
Right now I'm feeling like shite. I'm working full time on a construction site for the summer holidays. Whilst the other guys there are nice enough, there's no way I can ever form a proper relationship with them. So I spend most of the day within my own head, where all my demons lurk. It's the perfect breeding ground for my illness. A few weeks ago I was at uni' where I would get drunk all the time, hang around with friends, and watch crap all day, so I managed to keep the demons at bay.
Anyway point is try and focus outwards, although from what you tell me there isn't much to focus on, so perhaps that's the main problem.
Order a bride from Thailand, she will at least provide a distraction through sex. If you are female, then order a lady boy. For God's sake do something, you know your current path only leads to more suffering.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I am feeling tons of sorrow, so don't you dare    !


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Thank you for that website; however, I've heard all of it before, and it's not helping. I don't wish to sound ungrateful, but I am not swayed by any of its arguments.

P.S. It is true that I am not weak, cowardly, stupid, or evil because I think about suicide...

I think about suicide because I am weak, cowardly, stupid, and evil.

(This statement is non-commutative - don't you just hate it when I sound smarter than I am?)


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I am sorry that it didn't help. What would help?


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

> That's the ultimate tragedy of humanity: We are, one and all of us, ultimately alone.


No, no, no, I don't think we are. I know what you mean, I've been obsessed with the notion of being all alone etc. You speak of it as if it is something we come to realise. Yet what was this feeling of togetherness that we had before. There certainly is a feeling of togetherness or whatever. One is alone in the sense that one is a self contained unit. But one is not alone in that one is surrounded by many others. What I'm advising against is this belief that when one has notions of aloneness, it is as if they have stumbled upon 'The Horrific Great Truth of Existence', it's another part of the whole depressive/anxious disorder. It is not truth at all.
We want nothing more than to love and be loved, as cheesy as that sounds. And what is wrong with cheesy romanticism, it's what we all need. I wish I could believe what I write, but I hope one day I will realise it's truth.


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

About the psychoses - I am actually MORE poetic when I am at the verge of a psychosis, or at least having paranoid delusions. It may derive from the fact that one of the demons I hallucinate when I combine stress/anxiety with a psychosis IS a poet and has a British accent. In fact, he sounds a lot like Simon Templeman...

However, this doesn't mean that I am CURRENLY in a psychosis, just that all the signs are there that I will have one soon.

Besides, the pretentious shit you call poetry and my unnecessarily elevated and stilted diction (not as prominent here, but if you were to speak to me...) are two of the thought disorder symptoms of my schizophrenia.

Although, if you think this is bad, you should see it when I have word salad...


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

The togetherness we feel is a delusion...a betrayal waiting to happen...

And the perennial desire to love and be love is not "cheesy," but in fact one of the great tragedies of life, as it is impossible...


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Xeper what did you think of my posts, just curious? Was it the same cr*p you've heard before, did it mean anything. I'm trying to get through to you.
For God's sake don't kill yourself, you seem far too nice and intelligent to do so, and I mean that sin-bloody-cerely!!


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

> The togetherness we feel is a delusion...a betrayal waiting to happen...
> 
> And the perennial desire to love and be love is not "cheesy," but in fact one of the great tragedies of life, as it is impossible...


Ok if you want to be pessimistically philosophical to the max, then lets take the view that life si just a series of predetermined mental states with no meaning whatsoever. At least some of these mental states can be good, so hold out for them.

Bertrand Russell, a great philosopher, held love in the highest esteem. He was smart and philosophical and believed in love, but he wasn't clinically depressed like us. Your God damned illness is the problem, not life itself. Please try and believe that.

Why isn't this in the main forum.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I have to go now, but I am so f***ing worried about you I feel sick! I don't know what to do for you, but you are in my prayers. I really hope someone is able to get through to you.


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

See people do care. Stop f*cking analysing everything, and realise that there is someone out there who goes by the dpselfhelp forum name of Rainbooters, and she is actually sick with worry about you.
Get on an SSRI, that's gotta' help, hasn't it? Even if it didn't before, it might now. Try a different one if needs be, but do it.


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Stop analysing everything? You might as well ask a calculator to stop doing arithmetic. And I don't trust anyone who says she's worried about me...who in the hell would give a damn about a turd like me?
I've probably annoyed the hell out of you by now, so I'm going to stop.
Unlike most people, I am not a torturer.
I'll just leave you in peace...


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I'm not going to try and lecture you about why you "can't do it" and all that. You're probably too smart to see through it anyway.

At the end of the day, I suppose anything do _is_ your choice, perhaps even your right...but at least give it some time. Whether it's a few days, a week, whatever. I've felt that low before, I've even come on this board all suicidal, but each time I promise myself to at least make the effort to go on a bit longer because, after all, what do you have to lose? It might get better, there's at least that chance there. It did for me, anyway.

I can tell you for a fact that Rainboteers genuinely _is_ worried about you (that woman is almost _too_ nice and caring sometimes lol).

I also agree with what Axel said. I think you and Enigma are profoundly wrong in your belief that we really are alone in this world. We're not - except at most in some vague philosophical or existential sense.

Some people are "torturers". The vast majority, in my experience, are not.

Again I'll add that I think you should at least give this some time - even if that's just a week - before doing anything rash. We're all here if you ever need to vent, by the way; don't hesitate to do so if you need to.

MonkeyDust.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

Monkeydust said:


> I think you and Enigma are profoundly wrong in your belief that we really are alone in this world.


Don't want to hijack this thing and steer it up some other path that isn't helpful to XEPER, but I've heard it speculated that it was dread and denial of this very thing that was at least one of the psychological forces that drove the nazis to coalesce so tightly together and surrender their individuality.

That's not to say there's no value in relationships, etc. (Don't mean to sound antisocial. If I was, I wouldn't be bothering with this thread.)

Simply that we are, ultimately, _individuals_.



> We're all here if you ever need to vent, by the way; don't hesitate to do so if you need to.


This part I agree with whole heartedly (in fact, I said it already).

e


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Well said Enigma we shouldn't hijack this thing and turn it into a philosophical debate.
Anyway philosophy isn't what Xeper needs IMHO. Sorry but I will be direct and tell you what I think, even though admitedly I don't think I can give any advice that's gonna' help. 
What you need (ok so I have no idea what you need, but it's a nice sentence opener), is some clear pragmatic pieces of advice. Like what I said before,a nd what is repeated over and oever again on this site, is to focus outward. Go out and fake it. Pretend your ok, act. Strike up a conversation with someone about the weather, about wimbledon, about anything. Do something, anything, but sit around ruminating all day.
As I was readin this thread earlier, I could feel myself seriously slipping down into pessimistic ruminations. I was beginning to think about all that being alone stuff, as well as the nature of nothingess etc. So you know what I did, I whacked on Lynard Skinnard-Freebird. I didn't feel like something wholely positive, but something cheesy (that's the second time I've used that word in this thread), that would evoke some real blues bar melancholy, as oposed to this abstract existential malaise. I chanelled my emotional energy (no I'm not being budhist) into something more day to day, something more grounded in reality. My friend called and we started planning our holiday. I'm worried about going on holiday, not sure I'm up to it, but I planned away anyway.
For God's sake use every ounce of vague depersonalized strength to pull yourself out of this. 
That is the best advice I can give you.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

I can see two sides to this coin. We are individuals. At the end of the day we have only ourselves to truly rely on and get us through. Actually realising that can be quite empowering in a number of ways, taking responsibility or stop placing blame etc. 
But no man is an island, psychologically, we NEED empathy and human interaction, we need to feel loved and have fulfilling relationships with other people. It's human nature to feel these very basic instincts and we shouldn't berate ourselves for doing so.

I think that trusting and learning to understand yourself helps you to build better relationships with people. And vice versa.

What I'm trying to say but in a pretty rubbish way is that being independent and having friends who enrich your life need not be mutually exclusive states. Some kind of balance is needed.

Xeper, all I can ever think of when someone describes what you are going through, is that all perspective has gone out of the window. I really want them to know that it is possible to feel better. It totally is. End of.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

yeah, sorry to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to say that because it might help Xeper.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

You've done it now. It doesn't matter if you trust my worry or not, I'm gonna be checking in on you at least 3 times a day. I don't know how to help, but if there is anything I can do, you just say the word.


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

XEPER - I am absolutely sad reading this thread. At the same time, I see how supportive this site is. Anyone else in the world would have given up on you by now, but not us. We KNOW the depths of hell you are going through.

At 13, I witnessed my dad throw my mom into a concrete wall and saw her head crack open. I witnessed him do drugs, and many times I saw him with a gun to his own head threatening to do it. He is now in jail after killing someone from a drunk driving accident. The PTSD made me want to DIE many times. But, I got better, and so can you!!

If not listen to me, listen to Rainbo...she is NOT LYING WHEN SHE SAYS SHE IS WORRIED. Did you see her picture in the picture submissions page? Look deep into those caring eyes and tell me you can hurt someone as precious as her. You won't be able to do it.

Keep writing to us in this thread. We don't need to help you - we WANT to help you because we care.

I, too had parents too focused on themselves and not on me. You are BETTER than that.

We're reaching...please take the rope.


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2005)

Unfortunately, this site is not equipped at all to deal with issues this serious. When people post about literally giving up or feeling like they are at that point, we HAVE TO ask you to contact a doctor or crisis line, or some form of real help with professionals involved.

I do realize you might be just expressing your ideas and I really understand. But other members become so alarmed over thinking they WANT to try to help but don't know what to say...it makes anxiety levels just escalate too much - plus it's not fair to you. If you really feel you're at this point - you must find someone to speak with who is a professional.

All that said, I've been asked to close the thread.

But I also want to add this:

MOST of us here probably could have a list of about 12-25 "disorders" or syndromes of symptom clusters. I'm sure I had at least 22 in my worst day.

Diagnoses are only labels that help the doctors understand what might be going on with you. Don't take it to heart.

When I began to heal, ALL the symptoms began to heal. They're much more inter-connected than most people realize. And for what it's worth, I DETESTED myself most of my life. Not "judged" myself harshly...DESPISED myself. That is not a life sentence either.

Take care and please contact someone to speak with if you're still in that hopeless and lost place.

Janine


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