# New Here



## jujuiball (Apr 27, 2006)

Wow it's hard to know where to start. It's really amazing to find all these people suffering from the same thing. I've been trying to make sense of what is wrong with me for quite some time now and reading up on dp/dr is really starting to make things fall into place. 
I'm a 21 year old male student at a community college and I think i've been suffering from some form of this ever since I was a little kid. I think for me it all started when I was about 5 or 6 and I was coerced into performing a lot of degrading sexual acts on a group of older boys in the neighborhood I was always trying to hang out with. Around 4th grade the kids started bringing it up around other people and making fun of me for it and that sort of started me down a very lonely path in life. I would cry myself to sleep every night thinking I was a terrible person and that I would never ever be able to trust anyone in life ever again. I began having these very intense feelings that somehow I had done something so wrong that I was no longer part of the human race, I had been kicked out and was on my own now. I learned to fake being confident in High school but I never really learned to open up to people, I think subcounciously I was always trying to figure out how I could somehow get back into this "club". 
Smoking weed and drinking never caused serious problems, but when I moved out on my own at 20 I took acid for the 1st time. It terrified me but I like it at the same time. Unfortunately after that I went through a 2 month period of heavy DXM abuse. That feeling of not being in my body really hit the spot for me.
Now I'm taking a few classes but I spend all my free time hanging out in my room doing nothing. I read every once in awhile but I can't shake this feeling that I'm trapped in my own body. It feels like time is progressing all around me but inside of me time has stopped. I think I'm so used to this feeling I rarely think about it anymore. Things only make sense to me when I feel completely isolated, as the descriptions says: to obsessively monitor the self moment to moment. It's the only way I feel in control. I've taken some therapy but I know the only way I'm ever going to really beat this is to open up to a larger world. I just don't know where to start.


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## Neko (Feb 18, 2006)

Welcome to the community jujuiball  I think you'll find this board theraputic; just putting everything out on 'paper' helps alot...as well as knowing you aren't crazy!

I've never done drugs, my DP was anxiety/depression onset I think, but I relate 100% to the feelings you are feeling. Being trapped in a body is especially close to how I feel. I don't feel like my body is really "part of me". My soul is me. Why is it attached to my body? God made it that way I guess, but no explanations shake the feeling. It's the strangest and scariest and most unreal, uncomfortable feeling in the world.

I also relate to your high school experience. I'm still in HS myself (junior) and I know how difficult it is to appear a level-headed, confident person when you don't feel like a part of the group. Luckily, I have a few good friends I can hang with that won't judge me.

You can start your recovery by reading up on some posts here; we have quite a few members that made it out alive and lend a lot of experience. DP is a terrifying, haunting condition, but that's all it is; a condition. The process might be tough, but eventually you can recover from where you are now!

I wish you the best


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## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

welcome


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