# Something inside me has died



## insaticiable

I honestly feel like something inside me has died. Maybe it's depression, I don't know. I just pretty much feel horrible and sick and don't feel like my soul exists anymore. It's like total-deadness.

My family wants me to fight. ''Fight your illness!" they chant every day, all day. I feel like I'm in a whole other world. Definitely not in reality. Maybe in Pluto or Mars? ....

Today my aunt calls me and leaves me a message with a ''brilliant'' idea. Her next idea for ''saving me'' is for me to join Kaballah. It's sort of an off-shoot practice of Judaism I believe. I don't know.

I just feel like I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Like....you could shoot me in the arm right now and I'd just stare back at you. Something inside me has died.

Meanwhile...my family still chants....

"Fight, fight, fight!"

"FIght for what?" I think back.


----------



## Visual

insaticiable said:


> I honestly feel like something inside me has died. Maybe it's depression, I don't know. I just pretty much feel horrible and sick and don't feel like my soul exists anymore. It's like total-deadness.
> 
> My family wants me to fight. ''Fight your illness!" they chant every day, all day. I feel like I'm in a whole other world. Definitely not in reality. Maybe in Pluto or Mars? ....
> 
> Today my aunt calls me and leaves me a message with a ''brilliant'' idea. Her next idea for ''saving me'' is for me to join Kaballah. It's sort of an off-shoot practice of Judaism I believe. I don't know.
> 
> I just feel like I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Like....you could shoot me in the arm right now and I'd just stare back at you. Something inside me has died.
> 
> Meanwhile...my family still chants....
> 
> "Fight, fight, fight!"
> 
> "FIght for what?" I think back.


It is nice that you have a family that cares. At least they are well meaning.

But maybe you need a break. Not saying to give up. It is just that at times, everyone needs a vacation.


----------



## Gypsy85

Visual Dude, what do you mean by break/vacation? That makes me curious


----------



## Visual

Gypsy85 said:


> Visual Dude, what do you mean by break/vacation? That makes me curious


Trying to resolve illnesses and frustrations is work. Just like any other job - pay or no pay.

When you spend lots of time on something, you need to walk away and start fresh another day.

As far as our illnesses, here is an example. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand what is wrong and to get better. I don't want the illness to 'define' me or my life to be about these problems. Recently I spoke with a therapist about where could a health-care-advocate could be found. In the first place, it seems that doctors should handle this all. But they are not. I was told that I am doing an excellent job being my own advocate - and there is no one to replace this. Everyone seems proud of the progress.

Translation: I am stuck with the job. But at times I have to walk away. Even months have gone by without researching - to preserve sanity. So my vacation in this regard is to just take my pills, rest, and spend time away from DP, brain injury, etc...

Thus some speak of feeling better just trying to live there life. I just do both and cycle them and will have to at least until more function has returned. Clear as mud?


----------



## Gypsy85

So you mean to just stop trying to get better and just live life for a while like it is!? Until one has gathered some new strength?!


----------



## Visual

Gypsy85 said:


> So you mean to just stop trying to get better and just live life for a while like it is!? Until one has gathered some new strength?!


Much better said than my attempt!


----------



## guiltypleasures:3

insaticiable said:


> I honestly feel like something inside me has died. Maybe it's depression, I don't know. I just pretty much feel horrible and sick and don't feel like my soul exists anymore. It's like total-deadness.
> 
> My family wants me to fight. ''Fight your illness!" they chant every day, all day. I feel like I'm in a whole other world. Definitely not in reality. Maybe in Pluto or Mars? ....
> 
> Today my aunt calls me and leaves me a message with a ''brilliant'' idea. Her next idea for ''saving me'' is for me to join Kaballah. It's sort of an off-shoot practice of Judaism I believe. I don't know.
> 
> I just feel like I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Like....you could shoot me in the arm right now and I'd just stare back at you. Something inside me has died.
> 
> Meanwhile...my family still chants....
> 
> "Fight, fight, fight!"
> 
> "FIght for what?" I think back.


Not what your looking for i bet, but this is poetry.


----------



## Mario

insaticiable said:


> I honestly feel like something inside me has died. Maybe it's depression, I don't know. I just pretty much feel horrible and sick and don't feel like my soul exists anymore. It's like total-deadness.


Your soul never dies,because your soul is the true Self you really are.
The soul can play many different rolls,We got used to the old roll/self we used to play before DP/DR..We want so desperately our old self back,that we forgot to live for the present.
Why do we allow ourselves to be stuck in memories of something that we used to be somewhere?
We should live the present as it is.And if by that i mean living in a complete different dimension and time,so be it,because our true Self/Soul,still remains intact and very much alive.

God bless you.


----------



## dreamsofsomeday

This may or may not help, but I know exactly how you feel, and it's a hard place to get out of. It may help to slow down for a while and just take a break from everything except a few things you enjoy in your leisure time.


----------

