# 3 years ago this started around this time...



## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

So it's been 3 years. I don't know what to think anymore. Nothing I read seems to apply to my case, which makes me feel even more that there is no solution for me to be found. I still won't accept that this is just caused by anxiety, because it feels almost supernatural and other-worldly.

I have moments of relative clarity, but still feel like the entire time I've had DP that I've been in a dream that I will one day wake up from. I even feel like I'm depersonalized in my dreams. I still sometimes feel anxiety, but it's 'underneath' something, I can't explain it properly but it's just like the anxiety feels blocked and stuck, like all of my bodily processes.

Sometimes when I try to relax and let everything be as it is (Eckhart Tolle technique), I feel incredibly ill and start gagging, like I want to cry at the same time, yet nothing ever comes out, I haven't been physically sick ONCE since having DP, infact my state always feels the same really. Sometimes I feel what I think is happiness, but then I compare it to how I once felt and I know it's just a kind of agitated excitement, mainly when my ego gets a positive compliment or something (which isn't very often), I get a rush of detached euphoria shortly before returning to this harrowing state where I feel fear but I don't know what the fear is about.

On top of all this I have real world shit to take care of, like making up for lost time with girls (which I cant do because DP is blocking my ability to be socially normal and I hate myself anyway, which again DP is contributing towards), have to get a job, which again I am doing fuck all about because DP is making me feel lethargic and i have no interest in anything or passion to motivate me to get out there.

I dont give a fuck what anyone says - DP is the enemy, it will NOT benefit your life, only slowly drain all the fun and enjoyment out of it, all the while making you look like an idiot who can't socialize.

SICK

OF

THIS

SHIT!!!!!


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Hey midnight you took the words straight out of my mouth !! I'm feeling exactly everything u said on this post! Dp does drain the shit out of u and completely fuks up any sense of joy and laughter and light heartedness I'm so sick of this shit too I! I feel lethargic every fuking day and my motivation iz probably minus 10


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

> and I hate myself anyway, which again DP is contributing towards


What would it take for you to stop hating yourself?


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I agree with haumea here....midnight u had self hate before dp and u say u can't find the root to ur dp? Well that's it buddy...self hate


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Haumea said:


> What would it take for you to stop hating yourself?


 Erm, I dont know really. Cant see it ever changing. Superficially plastic surgery which would enable me to get hotter women so i could finally get that part of my life handled with minimal effort, but that wont solve it long term I dont think. I dunno, I've always been kind of miserable and misanthropic ever since I was about 15 years old.... maybe correlated with my exposure to weed.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

I have so much anger as well. I cant find any outlet for it. Weightlifting is the only thing I can do but it doesn't release it. it's just so overwhelming. FUCJKKKKKKK


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Midnight if u can't ever accept urself of course u will be depersonalized ...u can't condemn ur whole being just because u don't think u have the most attractive looks...u are a person with different qualities it's not always about how u look as I said before u need to accept urself as the person u are otherwise ul be doomed forever

What are u angry about ?


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## lauras (May 13, 2012)

"all the while making you look like an idiot who can't socialize"

Do you have social anxiety? It could be that you don't dislike people so much as you dislike how they make you feel. You deserve to be around compassionate people that are understanding of what you are going through right now, and choosing to surround yourself with those people could be a step toward loving yourself.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Wolf Print said:


> Bro I feel you.... how did you got DP in the first place? you think was the weed?


I severely doubt it. I wasn't smoking weed when I got DP. When I was younger (about 15) I had a massive panic attack on it that really terrified me, felt like I was on acid or something, but then I resumed as normal, except I always felt my body was going numb every time i smoked it from then on and this provoked anxiety.

I stand 100% by my belief that I got DP through meditation. Whether that was the direct cause I dont know....


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

> Superficially plastic surgery which would enable me to get hotter women so i could finally get that part of my life handled with minimal effort


What makes you think women have a problem with your looks?


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Haumea said:


> What makes you think women have a problem with your looks?


Feedback


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

Do you look at pornography? I believe that can f*** with self esteem, I'm actually giving it up as my new years resolution.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

> Feedback


Can you elaborate? Under what circumstances does the "feedback" come up?


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Vortimi said:


> Did you took any tests for body dysmorphic disorder?


No. I don't need to. I've recieved feedback on my looks from various people online and in real life, any qualms I have about them are justified. It fucking sucks, but what can you do? Even guys who were supposed to be my friends have occasionally hinted that I'm ugly when they themselves arent even good looking in my eyes. I can give countless examples, but they are all basically subtle hints that I shouldnt be allowed to get hot women.

I reckon if I had to estimate it i've probably been indirectly insulted about 15+ times throughout my teenage and early adult years because of my face.

I posted my picture online and got rated a 4.5-5.5 (only got a 5.5 because I'm 6"1). Also on apps like Tinder (where you rate the opposite sex) I have a pretty low success rate.

Most people are under the illusion that they are good looking and attractive, but for me that delusion was blown wide open years ago.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

> I can give countless examples, but they are all basically subtle hints that I shouldnt be allowed to get hot women.


Shouldn't be "allowed"? Do you need others' permission or something? :roll:

The problem isn't your face. The problem is your millenial psychology. I've known good looking guys of approximately your age who said exactly the same thing you're saying, except for them it was "I'm not tall enough." Otherwise exactly the same approval-seeking, self-defeating mentality.

Unless you've never seen an ugly guy with a hot woman, you know perfectly well that your whole premise is bullshit. It's only an issue because you're making it an issue. You're perpetuating your inferiority complex by being locked in a loop of self-loathing "I'm ugly, therefore..." thoughts.

It's just negative thoughts. You're in a trance and need to wake up.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Haumea said:


> Shouldn't be "allowed"? Do you need others' permission or something? :roll:
> 
> The problem isn't your face. The problem is your millenial psychology. I've known good looking guys of approximately your age who said exactly the same thing you're saying, except for them it was "I'm not tall enough." Otherwise exactly the same approval-seeking, self-defeating mentality.
> 
> ...


Regardless of whether they are negative thoughts or not, humans still judge eachother very quickly right off the bat, and alot of times this judgement will remain


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

I could post pics but you never know waht the repercussions might be, i.e. people seeing it who I know in real life etc. ..

I'm 6'1, white, thick brown hair, average face.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

> Regardless of whether they are negative thoughts or not, humans still judge eachother very quickly right off the bat, and alot of times this judgement will remain


Ugly plus inhibited - judgment remains.

Ugly plus charming, fun and exciting - judgment dissipates.

Whether you want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy or not - the choice is yours.

Humans are not decision-making robots. They can be won over despite initial impressions based on appearance.

So the real issue is "do you want to or not?" "Are you willing to do what it takes or not?" It's upto you.

Step 1: emancipate yourself from mental slavery

Step 2: develop an irresistably attractive personality.

Step 3: cash those checks. 

As I see it you have two choices: constant, unrelenting frustration or the difficult task of change. Neither is particularly pleasant but at least the second leads somewhere, is finite. I highly recommend the second. 

On a serious note - think about taking baby steps as far as changing your situation. You don't have to make radical change all at once. Do something relatively easy first, then something else. Make this a 2 year project if you need to. Break it into parts.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Haumea said:


> Ugly plus inhibited - judgment remains.
> 
> Ugly plus charming, fun and exciting - judgment dissipates.
> 
> ...


'Charming, fun and exciting' are things that I was once described as, but ever since DP these words make me feel sick and embarrassed. I guess that would be indicative of depression? The idea of being a socially outgoing and 'happy' person just doesn't seem to compute with my brain anymore.. it's hard to describe.

Like if someone tells me to be happy, I just can't do it, I dont have the serotonin in my brain to physically do it, so I just act, all day.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Midnight said:


> 'Charming, fun and exciting' are things that I was once described as, but ever since DP these words make me feel sick and embarrassed. I guess that would be indicative of depression? The idea of being a socially outgoing and 'happy' person just doesn't seem to compute with my brain anymore.. it's hard to describe.
> 
> Like if someone tells me to be happy, I just can't do it, I dont have the serotonin in my brain to physically do it, so I just act, all day.


Tell me about ...dp blows any sort of joyful feelings and Bubbliness away!


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