# Derealization



## kaitlyn_b

Hi I'm Kaitlyn. I am 28 years old and have been suffering from DR since April 7 of this year. I had a nervous breakdown which rendered me almost useless. Before then, I was an independent, hard working, healthy person. I now struggle as if I were a newborn kitten. Emotionally I am a zombie. Anything can push me over the edge. Sometimes I have a bad day and I can't even describe what the hell is wrong with me and why. It is so frustrating!! This is not who I am!? I can laugh, cry, etc but I don't really feel any of it. Not happy, not sad just going thru the motions&#8230;&#8230;day after day.
I am better, however, I am nowhere near where I was a month ago. This has been awful for me though. I look around and it's almost like my vision is distorted. Like I have a black sheet over my eyes that prevents me from really functioning properly. I have lost my coordination, I get dizzy spells, I am not as sharp as I used to be (it takes me 2 or 3 times to spell a word correctly, etc) I am a very educated person and sometimes I forget how to spell cat for god sakes! I have been to 2 different general practitioners who put me on antidepressants which wacked me out even more or caused my anxiety to be even worse. I went to one tdoc who told me I was an alcoholic even though I hadn't touched alcohol in 3 weeks with no issues! I finally found a pdoc who put me on a low dose (1mg) of abilify daily and huge volumes of vitamins (fish oil liquid, B complex, magnesium, calcium and D) I have also been going to counseling for 4 weeks and on the meds for 2 tomorrow. Yesterday and today my DR was worse. I'm not sure why? I was diagnosed with major anxiety and dysthimic depression. I have even reconciled with my boyfriend whom I thought was a huge part of my breakdown. He does live out of town so it's not like he's around but I still don't feel better? It's like my whole environment is tainted now. Since my breakdown, I'm never gonna be me again? Does the joy in your heart come back? Ever?????? Does this shit ever go away? I thought it was fading, Which it was, now it seems as if it's coming back!!!! Advice please? Anyone?


----------



## insaticiable

kaitlyn_b said:


> Hi I'm Kaitlyn. I am 28 years old and have been suffering from DR since April 7 of this year. I had a nervous breakdown which rendered me almost useless. Before then, I was an independent, hard working, healthy person. I now struggle as if I were a newborn kitten. Emotionally I am a zombie. Anything can push me over the edge. Sometimes I have a bad day and I can't even describe what the hell is wrong with me and why. It is so frustrating!! This is not who I am!? I can laugh, cry, etc but I don't really feel any of it. Not happy, not sad just going thru the motions&#8230;&#8230;day after day.
> I am better, however, I am nowhere near where I was a month ago. This has been awful for me though. I look around and it's almost like my vision is distorted. Like I have a black sheet over my eyes that prevents me from really functioning properly. I have lost my coordination, I get dizzy spells, I am not as sharp as I used to be (it takes me 2 or 3 times to spell a word correctly, etc) I am a very educated person and sometimes I forget how to spell cat for god sakes! I have been to 2 different general practitioners who put me on antidepressants which wacked me out even more or caused my anxiety to be even worse. I went to one tdoc who told me I was an alcoholic even though I hadn't touched alcohol in 3 weeks with no issues! I finally found a pdoc who put me on a low dose (1mg) of abilify daily and huge volumes of vitamins (fish oil liquid, B complex, magnesium, calcium and D) I have also been going to counseling for 4 weeks and on the meds for 2 tomorrow. Yesterday and today my DR was worse. I'm not sure why? I was diagnosed with major anxiety and dysthimic depression. I have even reconciled with my boyfriend whom I thought was a huge part of my breakdown. He does live out of town so it's not like he's around but I still don't feel better? It's like my whole environment is tainted now. Since my breakdown, I'm never gonna be me again? Does the joy in your heart come back? Ever?????? Does this shit ever go away? I thought it was fading, Which it was, now it seems as if it's coming back!!!! Advice please? Anyone?


Hey Kaitlyn, welcome to the forum. I am really sorry to hear how much you are suffering from Derealization, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate with SO much of what you have written. I'm also a newbie to dp\dr, have had this since the beginning of feb, and I can tell you that it is sheer horror. Your descriptions of DR really match mine. Especially when you said, "I look around and its almost like my vision is distorted. Like I have a black sheet over my eyes that prevents me from really functioning properly. Also, "Its like my whole environment is tainted now." Those are basically the words I used to describe how I felt when this first hit me. I, too, feel like I'm not nearly as sharp as I used to be. Sometimes I can't comprehend what I read, like its not all going through, and writing can be difficult too sometimes. Its really frustrating and agonizing. What I'm trying to say is, you are definitely not alone. I am sure that many others on this forum can also relate with what you wrote. I don't have any significant advice to give you, as I am in the depths of suffering from this hell myself, but there are some great posts under the "Road to Recovery" and "Regaining Reality" sections. Check those out. It will definitely give you some hope, as well as teaching you how to cope with this condition better, and ultimately showing you that you can truly beat this monster. Again, welcome to the forum. This is a very supportive and healing environment. Also, I apologize in advance for any grammatical\spelling errors I may have made. My brain is not "all there" at the moment.


----------



## kaitlyn_b

insaticiable said:


> Hey Kaitlyn, welcome to the forum. I am really sorry to hear how much you are suffering from Derealization, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate with SO much of what you have written. I'm also a newbie to dp\dr, have had this since the beginning of feb, and I can tell you that it is sheer horror. Your descriptions of DR really match mine. Especially when you said, "I look around and its almost like my vision is distorted. Like I have a black sheet over my eyes that prevents me from really functioning properly. Also, "Its like my whole environment is tainted now." Those are basically the words I used to describe how I felt when this first hit me. I, too, feel like I'm not nearly as sharp as I used to be. Sometimes I can't comprehend what I read, like its not all going through, and writing can be difficult too sometimes. Its really frustrating and agonizing. What I'm trying to say is, you are definitely not alone. I am sure that many others on this forum can also relate with what you wrote. I don't have any significant advice to give you, as I am in the depths of suffering from this hell myself, but there are some great posts under the "Road to Recovery" and "Regaining Reality" sections. Check those out. It will definitely give you some hope, as well as teaching you how to cope with this condition better, and ultimately showing you that you can truly beat this monster. Again, welcome to the forum. This is a very supportive and healing environment. Also, I apologize in advance for any grammatical\spelling errors I may have made. My brain is not "all there" at the moment.


Hi insaticiable!!!! Thank you so much for the response. It helps to know that you are feeling very similar. That tells me that we both suffer from an illness and there HAS to be a cure. I am thinking and praying for you!! If you ever want or need to talk, PLEASE let me know. xoxoxoxoxoxo


----------



## insaticiable

kaitlyn_b said:


> Hi insaticiable!!!! Thank you so much for the response. It helps to know that you are feeling very similar. That tells me that we both suffer from an illness and there HAS to be a cure. I am thinking and praying for you!! If you ever want or need to talk, PLEASE let me know. xoxoxoxoxoxo


Thanks Kaitlyn! That just made me really happy







I am really, really hoping that there IS a cure for this thing, and that we don't have to just settle on ''accepting it'' or ''coping with it''. Fingers crossed for sure. I'm also here if you need to talk or anything. Feel free to send me a PM.


----------



## Guest

insaticiable said:


> Thanks Kaitlyn! That just made me really happy
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am really, really hoping that there IS a cure for this thing, and that we don't have to just settle on ''accepting it'' or ''coping with it''. Fingers crossed for sure. I'm also here if you need to talk or anything. Feel free to send me a PM.


accept it and move on.


----------



## kaitlyn_b

FacesAreBlank said:


> accept it and move on.


Hi FacesAreBlank, (Great name by the way)I feel that way about 90%of the time.
I have obsessed over this crap since day one. Researched and studied. And what you say is actually what most all professionals would tell you to do&#8230;&#8230;forget about it, and eventually it will fade. However, I am being told that my issue is anxiety. I can't seem to forget it and move on when if I get the slightest bit anxious or stressed out now, the shit comes back in full force. This was never an issue for me in the past, so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess the "fix" is killing the anxiety? When my doc prescribed me the abilify, it freaked me out because it's for bipolar, schizophrenia etc but he tends to think my anxiety disorder is so bad, the DR is a "psychotic feature". Nice. Who knows anymore. Thank you for your reply. Do you also suffer from DR and/or DP? I'm guessing so since you are a member here. What is your story?

Insaticiable I am interested in hearing your experience too!!


----------



## Justwannabeme

kaitlyn_b said:


> Hi FacesAreBlank, (Great name by the way)I feel that way about 90%of the time.
> I have obsessed over this crap since day one. Researched and studied. And what you say is actually what most all professionals would tell you to do&#8230;&#8230;forget about it, and eventually it will fade. However, I am being told that my issue is anxiety. I can't seem to forget it and move on when if I get the slightest bit anxious or stressed out now, the shit comes back in full force. This was never an issue for me in the past, so I'm not sure how to handle it. I guess the "fix" is killing the anxiety? When my doc prescribed me the abilify, it freaked me out because it's for bipolar, schizophrenia etc but he tends to think my anxiety disorder is so bad, the DR is a "psychotic feature". Nice. Who knows anymore. Thank you for your reply. Do you also suffer from DR and/or DP? I'm guessing so since you are a member here. What is your story?
> 
> Insaticiable I am interested in hearing your experience too!!


hello kaitlyn,

My feelings and experiences are very similar to yours, I can relate! I was recently prescribed abilify myself and felt the same way once i found out its an anti-psychotic. Let me reassure you, your not psychotic! as many will tell you, half of our problem is that we are sane, you kno these feelings are abnormal, thats why your trying to figure them out







.


----------



## Justwannabeme

Justwannabeme said:


> hello kaitlyn,
> 
> My feelings and experiences are very similar to yours, I can relate! I was recently prescribed abilify myself and felt the same way once i found out its an anti-psychotic. Let me reassure you, your not psychotic! as many will tell you, half of our problem is that we are sane, you kno these feelings are abnormal, thats why your trying to figure them out
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .


Let me add this, Insanity would be a relief


----------



## lomilomisalmon

hi kaitlyn. i am going throught the EXACT same thing that you are going through. i think it helps to know that other people are going through the same thing. I too remember being able to laugh and have fun, and i miss that more than anything. i want to be me again too!!!!! im sorry, i dont have any answers, but i will let you know if i find anything that will help me conquer this. I can't wait to get to the point where can look back on this feeling and say "wow i was stupid for thinking that" you know? i feel like there is a way to find ourselves again, it just may take a little time.


----------



## kaitlyn_b

Thank you justwannabeme and lomilomisalmon. I am so glad you guys understand. I'm tired of this bs. Lomilosalmon,I think we will feel like ourselves again, maybe even like better people!! What do you think? What is your story? justwannabeme: Today, I have almost figured out that my abilify is causing me major irritability. My Dr just upped my dosage and today I felt like I wanted to bash someones face in all day. Have you noticed this as a side effect?? I would like to hear your experiences if you feel like it.


----------



## Justwannabeme

kaitlyn_b said:


> Thank you justwannabeme and lomilomisalmon. I am so glad you guys understand. I'm tired of this bs. Lomilosalmon,I think we will feel like ourselves again, maybe even like better people!! What do you think? What is your story? justwannabeme: Today, I have almost figured out that my abilify is causing me major irritability. My Dr just upped my dosage and today I felt like I wanted to bash someones face in all day. Have you noticed this as a side effect?? I would like to hear your experiences if you feel like it.


Well, Today is only day 4 of my abilify and im only on 2mg so i havnt noticed any side effects yet, however it may be the honeymoon effect but my DP seems alil better.


----------



## kaitlyn_b

Justwannabeme said:


> Well, Today is only day 4 of my abilify and im only on 2mg so i havnt noticed any side effects yet, however it may be the honeymoon effect but my DP seems alil better.


Hi Justwannabeme....How are you feeling? My pdoc upped my dose of abilify and I thought I might punch someone....so that had 
to be adjusted back down. I wasnt having such a good day today, so I had to take half of my klonepin to control the anxiety. It did help, however I have not been staying on top of my vitamins and exercise. Hopefully I will be able to feel decent enough to get on it after work tomorrow. It's just so hard when you're struggling to get thru the day and you're worn out&#8230;.oh well. Hopefully we will be back to normal soon&#8230;..keeping up the prayers. Please keep me posted on how you're feeling.


----------



## ZachT

I did not seem to do well on Abilify








But i am feeling much better on Zyprexa


----------



## hoot

Hi Kaitlyn. Hope you are doing better! It seems to me you are resisting DR, I know that only makes it worse. If you are, try to find a way to accept it. But don't acknowledge it, just accept that it's here, now.

Also, are you sure you really want to get better? I know it might seem like a dumb question, but I've read many people with DP/DR are scared to return back to normal, as DP/DR is sort of an excuse to not do certain things, to not take responsibility, a safety blanket of sorts. I know it is for me, sometimes anyway, and that's definately a bump in my road to recovery. Ironic, isn't it? You don't have to post an answer to this question here, but be really honest with yourself, are you ready to return back to normal?


----------



## kaitlyn_b

Thanks for the info theone2!!

Also Hoot thanks for the advice. I see how you might think that and I cant fully deny it.....but the real answer is&#8230;I don't know. This situation is all new and different to me. I have never dealt with DR before April 7th. I am feeling much better, however I do think that because of my severe anxiety, the DR is a defense mechanism so subconsciously I may be resisting getting better. I have tried to accept it as an illness. I don't want to feel this way, I know that much, but, I'm not sure exactly what to do to recover. I feel as if I am doing most everything I can. The main thing here lately is the total lack of emotion. I used to get excited about life, I used to be an optimist even when struggling with some of life's worst situations. Now however, since my NBD, everything has changed. It has been impossible for me to enjoy the little situations that I used to. I even broke it off with my boyfriend after reconciling, because I know that this is just causing me unnecessary stress. I just keep hoping with time and prayer, it will pass.


----------



## nicpla

I am also new to the website and can relate to everything that you wrote in your post. It is nice to read stories from other people that are going through the same thing. I have been in recovery for anxiety for about 7 or 8 months now and working with a counselor for almost 4 months but the DP/DR has been the most difficult thing to deal with. We need to get through this together!


----------



## kaitlyn_b

nicpla said:


> I am also new to the website and can relate to everything that you wrote in your post. It is nice to read stories from other people that are going through the same thing. I have been in recovery for anxiety for about 7 or 8 months now and working with a counselor for almost 4 months but the DP/DR has been the most difficult thing to deal with. We need to get through this together!


Absolutely!! Keep me informed of your progress!!


----------



## hoot

kaitlyn_b said:


> I have tried to accept it as an illness. I don't want to feel this way, I know that much, but, I'm not sure exactly what to do to recover. [...] I just keep hoping with time and prayer, it will pass.


Well, I don't think of DR as an illness, just as a (temporary) condition. That helps me cope with it. And yes, it will pass.

Also, wanting implies not having, thus you can't want something that you have. Basically imagining how it feels to be normal, how emotions feel etc. as if you already were in that state, could also be helpful. Think it's a bit like the law of attraction. I'm experimenting with this myself, I'll let you guys know the results after a while.


----------



## kaitlyn_b

hoot said:


> Well, I don't think of DR as an illness, just as a (temporary) condition. That helps me cope with it. And yes, it will pass.
> 
> Also, wanting implies not having, thus you can't want something that you have. Basically imagining how it feels to be normal, how emotions feel etc. as if you already were in that state, could also be helpful. Think it's a bit like the law of attraction. I'm experimenting with this myself, I'll let you guys know the results after a while.


I actually feel like I am slowly recovering. I quit all of my meds. Im not even on abilify anymore. I rarely take my Klonepin either.
The dreaminess is mostly gone. 
I just have absolutely no emotions. I feel no happiness or joy. No peace. Im sure thats my anxiety talking. Im slowly learning about all of this.


----------



## kaitlyn_b

I must admit I am still struggling with derealization. Its awful today especially. I started out with the typical dreamy feeling a couple of days ago…and it’s gone down hill again. Then the thoughts start, will I ever feel normal again? Will I ever beat this awful feeling? Where did the old Kaitlyn go? I think I am anxious about some things that have happened recently; but why before could I endure life’s stressors without having this awful DR. Even though I have improved, I still have never felt normal again since April 7th. When will this God awful feeling go away? I am tired of feeling like I am walking around in dreamland all of the time! I am tired of feeling little to no emotion or excitement about anything anymore. Im still pretty ignorant to this stuff. Help.


----------

