# Derealization or Realization?



## Citizen Insane (May 2, 2011)

I'm 20, I've been depressed from my early teens, gradually increasing in severity 
Its affected my education, I consider myself intelligent but I'm a major under achiever, and I'm currently unemployed. 
I started drinking heavily and using drugs, which just made things worse. I now feel completely detached from reality, everything is absurd, I'm constantly questioning my own consciousness, its as if life is unnatural. The world and the people in it seem alien to me and I keep analyzing and questioning everything.

I'm anxious all the time, I can't get to sleep at night, when I go outside it gets worse, everything becomes surreal and dreamlike. I think its something to do with sunlight, , I've got static over my vision which makes everything seem even more unreal, I'm constantly aware that everything around me is just a product of my own mind, simply guided by the information I receive though my senses, and I keep thinking "how is this possible?" 
its worse when I wake up, I feel disorientated and depressed and get instant thoughts about death and existence, I see no point in anything and regret waking up.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see a stranger. I no longer know who I am. I dont feel human.

I've been to a psychiatrist but he just told me I was going through an existential crisis of some sort and refused to prescribe me any meds. 
I went to counseling for a bit but I just kept analyzing everything he said and realized that he was just using the same phrases and asking the same questions over and over, so I stopped going.

Although I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, it seems like a logical solution to life, but I'm holding on to the belief that I'm ill, and not just too "aware", is this derealiation or simply realization? i keep noticing all the negative and bad things in the world, and I feel that everyone around me is just living a lie to be happy. I wish I could just turn my mind off for once instead of thinking myself out of my own sanity.


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## Guest (May 2, 2011)

Welcome to the forum. You definitely fit the description of having DP/DR. BTW The static in your vision is called "Visual Snow", and it's quite common for this illness. I find your comment/question about "Is this derealization or is this realization?" rather interesting. Read around and you'll find that others can relate to everything you are experiencing here. Again, Welcome!


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## resonantblue (Mar 15, 2011)

Hey,
I've experienced very similar feelings/thoughts to what you are describing, as I'm sure a lot of people on here have. 
The thing is, I think that to some extent you are right about the "realization" thing in that there simply IS a lot of blindness and complacency and thoughtlessness in the world but on the other hand there are people out there who are AWARE and present but who do not feel as effed up as we, derealized/depersonalized people do. 
Many say they feel like they become new people after the DP/DR experience and I can definitely see why.. it is a wake-up call in certain ways, and it does reveal certain "truths" but it is NOT your healthy, natural state! 
I'm saying this to myself as much as to you because I think otherwise in certain moments, but at times of "clarity", which happen occasionally, I see the difference between the non-DP awareness and the DP awareness and I much prefer the former. (And know it's possible!) 
Stick with it, you'll make it through, this certainly isn't something you need to struggle with forever. It would be great to find someone who will really listen to you- as in, a good therapist. also, welcome to this community of fellow mis-fits


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## Citizen Insane (May 2, 2011)

Thanks for the warm welcomes







, I've only recently looked into all this. I was convinced I had gone insane, its comforting to know that others are experiencing the same symptoms as me, yet I still feel frightened that I will be perminantly stuck in this feeling of detatchment from my surroundings. I'm able to recognise the emoticons I should be feeling in situations, and remember what they feel like, but thats it, I find my self contemplating why exactly I cant "feel", whcih makes me anxious, which makes it worse Its like im stuck in a loop.

Wow just looked up some info on visual snow, its exactly what I have.
I also have a crazy amount of floaters in my vison aswell, didnt know that was related...


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

I think there's clearly a relation to ocd with dissociation. If we sit around obsessing about abstract intangible things like, 'why does this exist', then we're tuning out the world in favor of our metaphysical thoughts. Of course then, the world will seem less real, because we're not focusing on the real aspects of it. It's best to try and focus on tangible things. I personally also try to treat my ocd rather than dissociation directly. Because, look, everyone has these questions about existence sometimes, the difference is being able to put it aside and move onto something else for awhile. Not with ocd, there's a nagging feeling, as if the question must be answered now, but it doesn't, it's just a feeling....


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