# I'm searching for an answer to this madness i face everyday.



## LittleHappyMess (Aug 14, 2011)

For years i never had a simple explanation for others when they asked me "whats wrong?" I would stumble over my words, repeating myself, trying to get my point across. I didn't know how to answer their questions "whats wrong with you". "why can't you just snap out of it". Eventually i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I saw therapist after therapist,was prescribed drug after drug. but even then something still felt off. Recently I found a website about dissociation disorders... when I read about depersonalization it hit me. THIS is what has been plaguing me my whole life. For the first time ever i felt like things might actually get better.

As a young child (probably around age 6 or 7) I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I've read a lot about how depersonalization could be a defense mechanism against stressful events. And that makes sense. but why did it have to linger? For as long as I could remember I would try and describe how i felt to others, but no one seemed to understand when I said " i don't feel good" and i wasn't able to elaborate. How was i supposed to tell them that it felt like the world was crashing around me. that sometimes out of no where i wouldn't remember who i was or where i was or what i was doing. that i would only do something because i felt "obligated" to do it for my "other" self for when i "snapped out of it". that when i walked into a crowded room i would still feel incredibly alone (with thoughts of everyone here is going to be dead one day). that i felt like i was on auto pilot living someone else's memories. that when i stood up sometimes i would feel like a giant or if i held out my hand it would appear to large. that the people who were close to me seemed familiar but distant. that i felt dead but i knew i was alive. these weren't "normal" thoughts/ feelings. there was no way for me to explain. These things wouldn't make sense to them. especially if it didn't even make sense to me.

I'm searching for an answer to this madness i face everyday. I don't want it to continue to control my life. If ANYONE has ANY suggestions please type away. thank you so much for those who took the time to read this. =)


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## bitlost (Aug 30, 2011)

Hey you! I am also new here, and sort of new to discovering that I am not alone in feeling like an alien. I just stumbled upon this thread: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28785-how-mindfulness-could-help-you-please-read/ and found it inspiring. Don't know if you will, but I felt better after reading it, and I hope that though I am pretty apathetic these days I will be able to implement some of the practices in my daily life. 
Peace


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## gray24 (Sep 1, 2011)

I'm new here too my friend, Sounds like we may finally be on tha right track, keep reading the posts and advice, thats what I'm doing and already feel encouraged that we are not alone in this crap and that there is hope.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

Hey, sorry you went through all that in your childhood, but glad you've finally found a name for this weird feeling and you can now get help.

Your 'little self' needs to learn that she is not in danger any more, because you are still in defence mode. Please try something called Mindfulness, it's really good for helping with PTSD/ dissociation. 
I'll PM you some stuff


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

"I've read a lot about how depersonalization could be a defense mechanism against stressful events. And that makes sense."

I used to accept that without question. Then I thought..I have no reason to think that. A proper defense mechanism for a paper cut, is for your blood to clot. But, that same reaction can be fatal when a piece of plaque breaks off a coronary artery. The blood clots and causes thrombosis (heart attack). You have reactions that work in the majority of cases, but are detrimental in a minority of cases. Reactions work in the interest of survival of the species (majority), even at the expense of the individual.(minority). I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you heal soon.


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