# What Is Happening To Me? Help Please



## Adem (Jul 27, 2008)

Hi to all of you!

Im 21 years old and I think i might have depersonalization disorder. I really need some help and advice, if somebody can please read this and give me some advice i would be extremely grateful.

Since i was about 18 i have been smoking weed on and off with my friends. For the past year my use of weed has increased. Not just the amount but the quality was high grade as well. Somewhere in early May i had exprienced "tripping" on weed or a full blown panick attack. I was feeling extreme fear, i didnt know what was happening to me, I experienced intense terror, i threw up and i went home layed in my bed untill i fell asleep. It was a horrible experience. The next day I thought that it was nothing just something that happens to everybody on weed once in a while which my friends reassured me too. I stopped smoking for about a week because i was scared and then i started to smoke again. I kept doing it 2-3 weeks but it was not the same anymore. I decided to quit cold turkey. The first week off of it was normal. About a week later (off weed) i started to "tripp" again and go into a full blown panic attack. I experienced intense terror again. For about a month i went throught horrible withdrawals i guess. I was a mess. Panick and anxiety was extremely high because i didnt know what was going on and what was happening to me. I thought i was going crazy. I was extremely depressed and would cry easily. I checked into a rehab where they assigned me a therapist who reassured me that I was battling addiction and with time it will all go away. I saw a psychiatrist who presribed me Lexapro for major depression. I took two pills and then i had second thoughts about it and i refused to take the medication. I hoped i will get better with time without medication. I kind of started to get better and i hoped that that was going to be it. I thought i was getting out of the slump because i started to feel better a little bit and not as disconnected from reality as i was. I started to be more active i started to do more stuff. Then when i decided to get glasses which i refused to wear before but i realized how much i needed them because my vision has been getting worse and worse for the past 2-3 years but i kept refusing to do something about it. When i started to wear my glasses i started to feel horrible again. I got depressed again anxiety and panick came back full force. I have been wearing them for a month now and im kind of used to them. Im still depressed but not like before but for some reason i can not connect with reality. Nothing feels real even thoe i know it is and im going through it, It just feels like a dream that never ends. I cant feel the reality of the world like I used to. Ever since my second full blown panic attack or tripping my world has not been the same. Everything i see i dont see it how i used to so it triggers anxiety and depression. Im cosntantly scared. Im scared that something can happen to me at any moment, im angry, down.. I dont like to see my self in the mirror. I feel like im permanently high. I just cant snap out of this feeling. I have school coming up in September and i dont know if i will be able to handle it. Its so hard to get motivated to do stuff when you dont feel it truly. I know its in my head, I know im not going crazy, but i am so so sick of feeling like this. I cant describe how sick i am of feeling like this. I force my self to do whatever i have to do. I work 4-5 days and its really hard to force yourself. I have million questions in my head that i dont have answers for. I quit drinking too for good. Im never going to smoke again. I went to see a psychiatrist again yesterday and she presribed me anti depressanst again which i am extremely scared to take and i dont think i will. I have been feeling like this for about two months now and i dont know how long it will last. All i want is my natural high and i pray to God every day that i will regain it one day. I will never take it for granted again. Its what keeps me going. My mother, father and sister who love me uncoditionally keep me going. They dont know whats happening to me because im too embarrased to tell them anything but their love keeps me going. God keeps me going. Hopefully i can continue to be strong and continue to battle this. If you guys have any adivce i would be extremely greatfull for it.

God Bless you all!


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## jmoreno29 (Jul 27, 2008)

Hello Adem,

I am very sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I know the feeling myself all too well and your story sounds alot like mine. Mine also started after many years of pot smoking until one day after a traumatic event and smoking pot I had a major panic attack which eventually led to DP. All I can say is read the information on here for reassurance and hope that your situation will change and get better. I am back again after 7 years because I was stupid and thought pot wouldn't affect me the way it did before. I was wrong, but won't lose hope that I can recover the way I did before and live a perfectly normal life again. Many people here are going through the same thing as you so you are not alone. Take advantage of the articles and stories on here and hopefully they will provide some peace of mind to your road to recovery. Best of luck  John


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## Adem (Jul 27, 2008)

thank you John, thanks for responding

yeah i didnt realize that weed can do something like this to you, or anything really i thought it was harmless, but you learn the hard way i guess thats how it is in life, i will never do it again i know that for sure, i hope you dont either, best of luck to you also, how long did it take you till you recovered the first time? and what do you think would it be a good idea to use anti-depression medication ?

thanks again!


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## jmoreno29 (Jul 27, 2008)

Well I have never been on medication as I was always afraid of it. I always have had the mentality that regardless of what I am going through with perserverance, prayer and support I can get through anything. It took me a good year once my DP started to lift and I started feeling normal again. I think alot of DP is over analyzing your symptoms only making them spiral into a deeper state of anxiety and DP/DR. I mean right now, I am really trying to put what happened with my recent experience behind me. I am trying to keep telling myself that it was a drug induced, and I have beat this before and will do it again. Everyone has different brain structures. Some stronger than others and even small amounts of drugs can create a dramatic difference in the chemistry of a brain that is not equipped to deal with its' effects. Hence the reason I fell into this in the first place. I guess accepting the capabilities of what your mind can handle and being ok with that was a jumping off point for me. I remember not being able to watch certain movies or be in certain situations because I would start to associate those things with my life, which would create great anxiety causing my DP so go nuts. It was awful. I even find myself doing that now since this new episode happened to me. I watched Wicker Man earlier today out of pure stupidity and scared myself half to death. I've calmed myself down but earlier my anxiety and DP were shiteous. Right now, I am not at a point where I feel I can watch movies like that or be in certain situations and that's ok. Eventually, I will be back to my old self. I know I will, it's just gonna take some time. Again, just remember you are not alone and everyone here has similiar experiences so I doubt anything you share will sound strange. When you're DP'd/DR'd any little thing can become an out of control roller coaster. One thing I also will say that helped me before was finding a Dr. that specialized in the field of Depersonalization. At the time I found only one Dr. in my area who specifically practiced in the treatment of this disorder. Maybe you should do some reaseach and talk to someone in your area who is trained to treat symptoms such as the ones you are experiencing. All the best - John


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

hey adem welcome to the site. i always thought weed was harmless until it led me into this fucked up state of mind.


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## Adem (Jul 27, 2008)

thanks john, thanks antisocial

I definetely feel like what u described John, I over anylize my symptoms and it makes me spiral into a deepr state of anxiety, i just feel like im permanently high, i do these reality checks constantly throughout the day and i have to keep reasurring my self that ill be fine this is drug induced like you said and that i can beat it and that i will beat it, but sometimes is so hard and so exhausting because its all thats on my mind pretty much the whole day (work,home, anywhere really), it is just so exhausting, i feel dumb and unable to fully get a grip on things, when i wake up i feel ok for a minute then i just wait for those feelings to come back its like my brain forgot how to be normal or how to function normally, this has been going on for two months, i dont know how long it will take all i know is that it is what it is and even thoe it can get extremely hard I got no choice but to keep fighting keep going, i have constant fears that something bad will happen to me, that i will start "tripping" like i did when this started and that i will be unable to control myself, thats probably my biggest fear, im just constantly scared, " I remember not being able to watch certain movies or be in certain situations because I would start to associate those things with my life, which would create great anxiety causing my DP so go nuts. It was awful." this is defintely what happens to me also, everythign i see or watch somewhow i associate it with whats happening to me and creates greater anxiety/dp

i tryed looking up some doctors that specialize in depersonalization, but its hard to find somebody, i live in metro detroit in a city of warren so i will keep looking, i might have to call the psychiatrist that i was seeing and talk to her more about my symptoms, when i saw her last i thought what was happening to me was still depression and anxiety from weed withdrawals which she reassured me it was but after reading about dp i def. feel like thats what i have, i wont start lexapro the depression meds she gave me until i talk to her again about my symptoms

thanks so much for responding and best of luck to you also!


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## Adem (Jul 27, 2008)

this is an interesting thing i read i want to share with you

" D.P., as I will refer to it, is a common and understandable offshoot of the anxiety condition. I can also tell you that it is in no way a mental illness. It is not serious or harmful in any way and has a totally logical explanation. It is temporary and, with patience and understanding, eventually passes like any other symptom.

The key to recovering from this feeling of detachment is to surrender to this strange feeling, to pay it no respect and realise it is just the product of an over-tired mind, fatigued by your constant worrying thoughts and the constant checking in to how you feel. This symptom relies on your fear of it to keep it alive.

When people are caught up in the worry cycle, they begin to think deeply and constantly. They study themselves from deep within, checking in and focusing on their symptoms. They may even wake in the morning only to continue this habit, "How do I feel this morning? "I wonder if I will be able to get through today". What's this new sensation I feel?" This may go on all day, exhausting their already tired mind further. This constant checking in and constant assessing of their symptoms then becomes a habit, but like all other habits this one can also be changed.

All this worry is bound to make your mind feel dull and unresponsive. Is it any wonder you have come to feel so distanced from your surroundings? Is it any wonder you find it so hard to concentrate? Some people, when studying for exams for hours on end, get to the point where they can no longer take information in, so they take a break and carry on the day after. For you, there are no breaks and no time outs.

As I have already mentioned earlier, your body has a safety mechanism that protects it from all this worry and slows the mind down to safeguard itself. It takes a step back from this onslaught, which can then produce your feelings of detachment and the world around you may become hazy or out of focus.

Once you understand this symptom as being caused by an over-tired mind, exhausted through worry, that you are not going mad and these feelings can't harm you in any way, it makes sense. With the fear factor taken out of this symptom, it can start to hold less power over you and affect you less than it did before. Although still annoying, you now know why you feel these feelings. Once you learn to accept them and stop adding worrying thoughts to the mix, this is another symptom that you will be able to overcome in time. Taking a step back and giving up the worrying thoughts, gives your mind the chance to rest, rejuvenate and refresh.

When it happened to me, I recognised and understood what was causing it. I realised that I was checking in and worrying about it and I did fear this sensation, so I just stopped doing it. I also learnt to get busier and stop brooding on this and other symptoms. Being active gives you another focus. Having too much time on your hands can open the door to too much needless thinking. With less worry and fear of this harmless but upsetting symptom, I was eventually able to overcome it. It merely became a nuisance and because I knew the reason for its existence, it no longer held any power over me. When a worry or fear loses its importance, it loses its power and that is why it is essential to realise these symptoms are neither harmful nor serious. Gradually, without all the checking in and worrying, this symptom that so dominated my life began to diminish and eventually disappeared completely.

This symptom is like any other; all symptoms are still being fuelled by your fear of them. As long as the fear continues, so will the symptoms. When we start to understand why we feel like we do, we automatically fear them less and they start to lose their edge and importance, this is when symptoms gradually start to fade."

Easier said then done but i got to try and implement some of this


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