# Shall I or shall I not?



## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Hey there,

guys, I would like to have some input from your side. I know that I have to make my decisions on my own, but some input from people who know about making decisions when having DP/DR is very much appreciated.

About 3 years ago, I cared for a special horse, 5times a week for over a year. He was more than just a horse to me, he was my friend. My best friend. I would have killed for him (literally speaking







). His owner and I had a heavy argument and I lost him.

A few weeks ago, I found the strength and courage to contact the owner again. Do not ask me why, I do not know. We solved our problems and are friends again. I visit her and the horse at least once a week and nothing else cheers me up like that, although I just visit them to have a talk and to cuddle the horses.

Yesterday, the owner offered me to ride the horse again. If I had been given this offer 8 months ago, I would have jumped for joy. But now, after having lost my OWN horse a few months ago and starting to have DP/DR, things are so different.

I do not know what to do, honestly.

Sometimes I feel that I want to have my friend back and I am sure being outside in nature and having a hobby again would do me good.
But then I get so unsure: I am afraid of this terrible numbness, although I know I should feel joy. I am afraid, I cannot take the responsibility, when times get really tough. I am afraid I try to force myself to do something, I -in reality- do not want to do anymore.

I constantly switch between short outbursts of excitement and complete uncertainty.

How on earth shall I know what I want, what is good for me, when I have lost who I am???

I am curious about your answers









Have a nice weekend,
Steffi


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## flipwilson (Aug 19, 2006)

when i come to a crossroads like this I always do what my healthier self would have done.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you, you were of great help to me


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOSH, I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!

I am just back from riding that horse again and it was so damn AWESOME! I completely forgot about myself feeling so miserable at the moment for quite a while and it was so so so so nice









Thanks so much for encouraging me to give it a try!!!!!

I just have one question left: It was awesome. From beginning to end. I would love to go again- NOW! Why on earth is my mind holding me back again? Like: "Ah, no...you do not know. In 2 months, you will have lost all your enthusiasm again. Do not try to force something you do not really want."

Is this the DP/Depression speaking? Any suggestions? Or am I just insane


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Gypsy85 said:


> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOSH, I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I am just back from riding that horse again and it was so damn AWESOME! I completely forgot about myself feeling so miserable at the moment for quite a while and it was so so so so nice
> 
> ...


*I constantly switch between short outbursts of excitement and complete uncertainty.

How on earth shall I know what I want, what is good for me, when I have lost who I am???

I am curious about your answers*

If you don't try - you'll never know, you'll miss an opportunity, you may always wonder

*Why on earth is my mind holding me back again?*

Perhaps because you got hurt in the past and want to avoid it happening again. But remember, at times with life comes pain - but this is no reason not to experience it and enjoy it. And opportunities come and go. Grab them before they go.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you Visual Dude, these are wise words









I think I will talk about that with my therapist on Thursday... maybe he has some tipps for me, how I could think differently about all that!


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## jimfaster (Feb 9, 2011)

same to you dude.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

We galopped today hihihi


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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

Lovely to hear this Gypsy. Horses are lovely







. Great to hear that it is taking your mind off DP, must be good getting out on a field for a while and just riding.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Yeah, it is great! You HAVE TO concentrate on what you are doing, otherwise you might end up somewhere you do not want to







and in a speed you do not want to LOL.

It is funny... as all my feelings are numbed down, I do not feel the same joy as before, but I also do not feel the same fear, so I have new possibilities with the horse now! We were two horses and two people and man... the other person's horse could run SO DAMN FAST!!! Normally, I would have said "No, this is too fast for me", but this time I just took a second, calmed the horse down a little and let it run after







THAT was great!

I think the horse recognized me from the past







When I put my hand into my pocket to take out a handkerchief, it turned its head. He remembered where I always hide the sweets LOL









If you like horses just I tiny but, I can highly recommend horse riding and being at the stable to help with DP/Depression/anxiety. The movements of the horse help you to feel your own body again and the fresh air at the stable are awesome to fight depression. Also, horse riders always have a lot to talk about, so you are involved almost all the time!


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Another update on "me, myself and the horse problem" LOL.

Today I did something I would NEVER EVER have expected from myself. I built the basis to fulfil one of my dreams, I had always been afraid of- I registered for a trail ride over 2 days







I had always been to frightened up to now: What, if the others ride too fast for me? What if we loose control over the horses? What, if a terrible accident happens? What if, what if, what if....?!

Today I just thought: "Ahh Gosh, fuc* the consequences, I do not want to miss this experience" and I just registered. And guess which horse I will ride







. Yeeeeah, my friend







I am really proud of myself.... after an accident in the past, there was a time when I was even afraid to sit on a horse when it was just standing and WHAT DO I DO NOW??? I will do a trail ride, yeaaahhh!!!









Ok, I wouldn't do this with another horse than this, but this does not count, hehe. I know that I will be a bit anxious during this ride, but damn, so what?? I am sure it will be fun!!!!


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