# Lifetime of depression and anxiety turned into disassociation



## donkeybrains (May 27, 2017)

I've had feelings of depression and anxiety since I was a little kid in elementary school. I've always been able to live life and still function though since I could distract myself and just brush things off. The only thing that was crippling and unpleasant was my hypochondria, when I was a little kid I convinced myself I had a brain tumor and would think about it constantly, this eventually subsided but would come back whenever I had any physical ailments and would make me panic thinking I had some catastrophic illness (aids, stroke, sepsis, heart attacks, etc.).

Eventually my depression and anxiety got worse and worse during middle school when I went to a school that I hated. I was still able to function well enough but I became less interested in school and started getting bad grades and socializing less. My parents got divorced and I ended up switching schools a few times when I was just starting high school. After a while things stabilized and I started making friends, a girlfriend, and doing well in school. This didn't last long because I was still depressed and anxious and looking for something to feel better. When I started college I got heavily into drugs (psychedelics and weed specifically, mind expansion shit) and went back to slacking at school. I eventually dropped out and started working, I had stopped the majority of my drug use because it made my anxiety way worse and gave me mild HPPD (which eventually went away) and occasional feelings of depersonalization. But I would still self medicate with benzos and opiates occasionally because my mental health was really bad at that point.

Then during possibly the most stressful period in my life I ended up binging on DXM and weed for a few days. Right afterwards I went through a big move, got sick with the flu and then was hit with feelings of depersonalization and derealization that would not go away. At first I didn't know what was happening and definitely caused havoc on my mind obsessing over becoming psychotic. I was hyper sensitive to everything and was questioning things being real, even though I subconsciously knew I was completely present and wasn't really losing my grip on reality, but it sure felt like I was. I eventually figured out that it was disassociative disorder, which although it was reassuring still made me terrified and caused me to have awful panic attacks. I ended up going to a psychiatrist and a therapist and they both ended up doing what I think they would, diagnosing me with depression and anxiety and prescribing a sedative and an SSRI. The thing is I've had manageable depression and anxiety before in my life and have had periods of my life when I've felt completely at peace because I was living a wholesome lifestyle. My current situation in life is the most stable it's been in ages and I do feel like I can become a lot more stable by being productive, meditating, working out, and having a healthy social circle, rather than just taking medication. I haven't had a panic attack in about a month and feel like my anxiety is becoming more manageable. I will of course start taking meds if things don't go the way I'm hoping they will though.

Anyway, I want to see if anyone can empathize with some of the symptoms I have, a lot of it is pretty standard but some of it I haven't really come across too often online.

Mental:

Bad hypochondria, I think I'm becoming schizophrenic, not constantly thinking about this but whenever I have instances of DP/DR it's common that my mind will go to that, or if the thought comes into my mind I can ponder over my sanity quite a lot.

Feelings of doom

Feeling on edge

Almost constant anxiety and feelings of panic

Indecisiveness

Depression (which is actually sometimes a welcome feeling because of the apathy that comes with it)

Poor focus

Feeling foreign in my body, getting scared/panicking when I look down at myself and get these feelings

Intrusive thoughts

Feeling that things around me are foreign/surreal/scary

Auditory:

Hypersensitivity, like I can hear things like the fridge humming in the kitchen or the highway about a mile away, if I'm feeling extra sensitive or focus in on the noise it can become more and more clear/loud.

Visual (and definitely the most disturbing to me):

2d things, like a video or text, will have 3d depth to it

3d things will often look flat to me or have a weird perspective 
Hypersensitivity
Afterimages if I look at some kind of light source
Floaters
My vision or the light around me appears to flash for split seconds
Light will sometimes change in intensity, like it'll fluctuate between being bright and dark
Text appears to have a weird quality to it, like it'll just look surreal, sometimes 3d, sometimes it'll have tiny fluctuations in its edges, sometimes it'll almost look like it's moving, this is the symptom that's almost constant, but it doesn't give me trouble reading, just spooks me out.
My vision will appear to become a slideshow
Dark/bright tiny spots will appear in my vision for split seconds
I'll see tiny movements in my peripheral vision, sometimes it'll be like a twitch or a quick flash
And the thing that's so far seemed the most strange and scary is that on 2 or 3 occasions I believe I've seen a wall "breathe" (I've had this and slightly moving patterns when I had HPPD so I don't know if it's related)

Physiological:
Tension headaches
Tightness in chest
Difficulty breathing
Twitches and muscle spasms
Heart palpitations

All these symptoms aren't constant and definitely get worse when I'm feeling anxious/stressed or focusing in on them.

Auditory:

Hypersensitivity, like I can hear things like the fridge humming in the kitchen or the highway about a mile away, if I'm feeling extra sensitive or focus in on the noise it can become more and more clear/loud.

Visual (and definitely the most disturbing to me):

2d things, like a video or text, will have 3d depth to it

3d things will often look flat to me or have a weird perspective 
Hypersensitivity
Afterimages if I look at some kind of light source
Floaters
My vision or the light around me appears to flash for split seconds
Light will sometimes change in intensity, like it'll fluctuate between being bright and dark
Text appears to have a weird quality to it, like it'll just look surreal, sometimes 3d, sometimes it'll have tiny fluctuations in its edges, sometimes it'll almost look like it's moving, this is the symptom that's almost constant, but it doesn't give me trouble reading, just spooks me out.
My vision will appear to become a slideshow
Dark/bright tiny spots will appear in my vision for split seconds
I'll see tiny movements in my peripheral vision, sometimes it'll be like a twitch or a quick flash
And the thing that's so far seemed the most strange and scary is that on 2 or 3 occasions I believe I've seen a wall "breathe" (I've had this and slightly moving patterns when I had HPPD so I don't know if it's related)

Physiological:
Tension headaches
Tightness in chest
Difficulty breathing
Twitches and muscle spasms
Heart palpitations

All these symptoms aren't constant and definitely get worse when I'm feeling anxious/stressed or focusing in on them.


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

Hey,

Sorry not many reply to this side...

Your symptoms are all normal for what we have, I did read it, but TBH, i am not a doctor and have no idea, maybe it was in there but i got overwhelmed with text how long you had this DXM though is a MASSIVE dissociative, i know i've done it and read much about it. Memory wise I could go into detail and will on request, but Alpha GPC is the best thing you can take to get it back. TIME is an amazing healer.

http://www.longecity.org/forum/topic/61950-repairing-dxm-induced-damagereversing-dissociation/

They are very smart crew, been there for DXM who recommend a MAIO and Tyric antidepressant...

My advice is do research, treat and lower your anxiety, which from my experience that's half the battle, but i've given you the key to people who know it deeply. Just remember that nothings forever, keep battering, lower or treat the anxiety and the depression and hopefully start the road to recovery


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## dope (Aug 31, 2016)

I agree with CK1. It's normal for what we have. If you feel insecure about it though, do tell a doctor to make sure you're completely ok, but other than that it just looks like anxiety to me. 
Pm me if you need any help with anxiety, DP or depression! Even if my advice is something that you have read before, there might be a chance that there's something that helps.


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