# SOMEONE READ THIS AND SHED A LIL LIGHT!



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

okay so..... heres my story... im katie . im 21.. it started with panic attacks at 19 and generalized anxiety... with help of a shitty thereapist i came to the conclusion i had buried alot of things for so long and now i was exploding... but one thing led to another and all the fear etc ... let me to depersonalization... i felt blankbrained numb and gone as a person... completely lost... over the course of a few months it got better thru therepy and lexepro ..(ssri). i was hangin in there for a good year and half... all of the sudden i got overwhelming fear of depression and anxiety after being numb for soooo long.. then all the EXISTENTIAL thoughts started pouring in and really really scared me... oi started bak therepy and its been a rocky road since... i have had up months and then months of despair.. but i am feeling.. i feel more lost then ever and terified... 
My therepist thinks i am on the right track because i am crying it all out... (i dont know how to believe that) . i am in so much mental pain and have this heartbroken feeling ... The existential thoughts are mindblowing.... like '' how am i me, why, why am i alive, why does anything exist, why am i a human, why cant i get out of my body, why is life the way it is'' .. ught hey upset me soooo much!.. but i think i am getting scared of my repressed emotions coming up and dp/dr is trying to protect me.... i guess wat i am askin is does this sound like i am on the right track to health? i feel worse then ever but it makes sense... 
and another thing to the recovred... does life start to make sense again? i feel like everything is so weird and gamelike.. i dont feel spaced out but i feel like ecerything looks soooo weird.. do things return to normalcy. do u feel safe in ur body and does it look normal again... and to those who are in this.. do u guys feel like life makes no sense? does dp do that to you? like the concept of male/female animals shops.. anything u can think of.. makes me think i am only learnin all this or sumthing.. ANYONE AT ALL ? thanks guys... katie xxx


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I think that you are right, that because you are facing burried emotions the dp is trying to numb you to that process. Even still, it is absolutely the best thing for you to process those emotions and issues because, if you don't, they may keep you locked away in dp for a long time. I got dp after a long history of supressing and not dealing with emotions. I would stuff them away and after a bunch of traumas right in a row and trying to do that, I got dp. It's just very mentally unheatly to do.
As for the existential thoughts, those are totally a normal part of dp. I'm like 99% recovered and I still have them. Sometimes I will look at my hands and start to trip out about how weird they are, etc. I think the best thing is just to regard those as quirky weird thoughts and dismiss them. They are just a symptom of what you're going through and don't mean anything important.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

thanks valleygirl. so u dont think i just ''dont know how to live and be human'' cos thats wat i keep tellin myself.. its sounds nuts but i really feel that way... u think those existential questions u have r dp.. and u still have traces of it from time to time... i cry all day because i feel like this is forever... its been 2 n half years with this anxiety. and it has changed over the time... but this moment in time its the most dibilitating because i have such weird thoughts floating in my head.. i feel trapped into conciousness and i cant comprehend why i am here... i never thought this way before.. was always freaked out bout death n stuff. but never at living and being alive.. is ur sense of self bak? thnk u for replying to me! and did urs get worse before it got better?


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

thanks valleygirl. so u dont think i just ''dont know how to live and be human'' cos thats wat i keep tellin myself.. its sounds nuts but i really feel that way... u think those existential questions u have r dp.. and u still have traces of it from time to time... i cry all day because i feel like this is forever... its been 2 n half years with this anxiety. and it has changed over the time... but this moment in time its the most dibilitating because i have such weird thoughts floating in my head.. i feel trapped into conciousness and i cant comprehend why i am here... i never thought this way before.. was always freaked out bout death n stuff. but never at living and being alive.. is ur sense of self bak? thnk u for replying to me! and did urs get worse before it got better?


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

katiej said:


> thanks valleygirl. so u dont think i just ''dont know how to live and be human'' cos thats wat i keep tellin myself.. its sounds nuts but i really feel that way... u think those existential questions u have r dp.. and u still have traces of it from time to time... i cry all day because i feel like this is forever... its been 2 n half years with this anxiety. and it has changed over the time... but this moment in time its the most dibilitating because i have such weird thoughts floating in my head.. i feel trapped into conciousness and i cant comprehend why i am here... i never thought this way before.. was always freaked out bout death n stuff. but never at living and being alive.. is ur sense of self bak? thnk u for replying to me! and did urs get worse before it got better?


I would say that recovery is a lot of get worse, get better, get worse. It's up and down but somehow still moving forward. I would say that you're very caught up in a loop of obsession and the fix for that is to retrain the way you think. You have to stop yourself from having those thoughts and refocus outside yourself. I had to do it an in the beginning I had to do it every 10 seconds. But you always have to tell yourself to stop and then focus outward on something like a hobby or something. If you do it enough, you change the way you think, get out of the obsessive thought patterns, and cut off the stuff that dp feeds off of (fear, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, etc). Also yes, my sense of self is completely back.


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## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

I don't know how to describe my progress really.

When I got dp I was depressed for a few months, then I was okay for a while, but when I had another bad time of it, it wasn't as bad as it was before.

Its like it gets a little better, then stays the same for a while, then gets a little bit more better.

I repressed my emotions aswell, never really knew how to express them. I was devastated when my parents split up an both my grandfathers died, but I just couldn't cry... I don't know why.

Then I got dp and after a few weeks I just broke down in tears, this has happened a few times since.

Maybe its my mind and body trying to tell me something.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Unfortunately it's very common for things to feel like they get worse before they get better in therapy, even with a great therapist. I know that's not really what you want to hear but I hope it helps. My dp came from childhood trauma, but I finally got out of the emergency crisis phase a couple years ago. It does end. I promise. Until then? Get into some mindfulness


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

thanks for ur reply.. i appreciate it.... do u find things and life look relatively normal to you again? like being here isnt so strange? and wen u say ur sense of self is bak .. was it completely gone? like did u feel like jsut a body? and another thing.. did this dp/dr make u feel like u wer seeing life for the first time.. like it made no sense... literaly everything was too weird.. ? i just wanna know how bad u wer,.. cos i experience such pain at the thought of alwways being afriad of being alive... it feels new to me.. even tho i have lived for 21 years.. it feels like im learning it all now.... but i am not spaced out anymore... i am jsut in weird over analzing and hyperawareness mode.... very uncomfortable..


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

katiej said:


> thanks for ur reply.. i appreciate it.... do u find things and life look relatively normal to you again? like being here isnt so strange? and wen u say ur sense of self is bak .. was it completely gone? like did u feel like jsut a body? and another thing.. did this dp/dr make u feel like u wer seeing life for the first time.. like it made no sense... literaly everything was too weird.. ? i just wanna know how bad u wer,.. cos i experience such pain at the thought of alwways being afriad of being alive... it feels new to me.. even tho i have lived for 21 years.. it feels like im learning it all now.... but i am not spaced out anymore... i am jsut in weird over analzing and hyperawareness mode.... very uncomfortable..


Yes to all of your questions. The day I woke up with dp I remember not being able to tell if I was still asleep or not. I felt like this tiny little alien sitting in the back of the head of a giant robot. I felt no connection to my physical body. It felt like existing for the first time. I opened my eyes and had no idea who I was or what planet I was on. Nothing seemed familiar to me, not even my own kids. When my husband would talk to me I just kept saying "I know your name bht I don't know who you are". I was so detached that I had no memories, no emotions, and couldn't feel my body unless it was extreme pain. I was so bad I went to the emergency room 12 times and was hospitalized twice.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

its a rough road...







i was hospitalized too.. its heartbreaking really.. sumtimes i dont wanna live... i feel like i dont understand this place.. can dp do that to u? thats crazy.. but my emotions are bak... just severe anxiety, sadness and a severe existential thoughts... oh and overall CONFUSION. so do i sounds like i am on the right track... or have i got sumtin else ha xx


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2012)

Katiej... I understand what you're going through, and I just wanted to mention something that helped with my dp and existential thoughts - At first with both I completely freaked out at them, but as I experienced them more I started to realise how ridiculous they were making me feel. With the existential thoughts, I'd think to myself "Look, this is life. Nomatter how I feel, I'm not going to get out of it without being dead and I don't WANT to be dead because there are so many things in life I want to do. I may not know WHY I am here, or why I was born as me, or why we are sitting on a big ball in this thing called space, but does that really matter? I don't need to know WHY. I just need to learn use what I have been given for some reason, and what I have been given is this life. It's not all bad. In fact, it's beautiful and I appreciate it. I'm going to stop wondering why, how and who.

I am like an ant, in my colony, and whatever the bigger things in life do or are all about, this is not my business, I don't know, and I don't need to care/know. My business is to be a good and happy ant and take responsibility for my place in this life. Because nomatter how small I am compared to the bigger things, I AM important, I DO have a purpose, and I am here to grow in size and in spirit. I am small, and small is the range where my thoughts only need to be. Any further and I become an unhappy ant. A scaredy ant. I am not supposed to take on the responsibility or thoughts of those bigger than I am. So I don't.

Ever since I thought like that, I stopped getting existential thoughts. Completely.

As for DP, when I think I am feeling it, I start almost talking to the feeling in my head, like it's a clingy person who wants to get close to me but I don't want anything to do with them. I say "Oh here we go, this again, am I at all surprised? Yeah, you just do that. You just try and affect my life. I will get on with mine why you practice your stupid ways to get me to be affected by you." If I get fear with it, I treat it in the same way. They're both nuisances that don't need to be in my life. So I think them to be nuisances - These vile, irritating parasites. But, every time I act in the careless, "Screw you, I'm living my life" kind of way, it takes away their power... Their voice... Their effect. At least, it does for me.

I still get DP and the anxiety that comes with it, but that's because I've only just recently been trying to sort it. This attitude really helps reduce the amount I get it.

If anything rings true for you here, that's great. Feel free to discard anything that doesn't apply. We all deal with DP, anxiety and existential thoughts differently in order to beat them, but this is what really helps me.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Beth, that was an amazing post and it really inspired me! I LOVE your outlook on life and dp









OP- it sounds like you have normal dp, not anything else, and are making your way toward recovery. You just have to stop thinking about and freaking out about the existential thoughts. You are going go have to stop yourself from doing it. You should look into Acceptance and comittment therapy. When I learned those techniques I went from not being able to get out of bed to 99% better in about 8 months.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Yea Beth thank u u make alot of sense . I have tried to tell myself I have no choice and too enjoy it
Aswell
. But it's like the very existence of me is frightening almost like I never noticed it before at it's new to me . I can't enjoy anything because I think of how weird it is that life is the way it is . And how my brain and body works . It's debilitating sumtimes I really can't comprehend things . I feel like this isn't dp and there's just sumthing bout me that doesn't understand life and can't accept it . But i was never like that before anxiety


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2012)

Aww I'm glad it helped ValleyGirl









OP - When it's new, it's obviously friggin scary as hell! I know how that feels. Just think that you are not the only person with an existence - others exist, have bodies, they can see, hear, smell, feel... people know everything about what it's like to be in your shoes! You are just more observant than they are, and as you can see, we can observe and analyse too much and from doing so, work ourselves up.
Anxiety so easily controls us. It's like an irritating person who's favourite pastime is exaggerating and speaking at a ridiculously fast rate!







What if you met someone like that in real life? WTF comes to mind! Wow. If I spent too much time just in their presence I would not be able to stop myself from shoving my handbag in their mouth!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Haha u are very upbeat ! I am not new too this it's been 2 n half years but it has changed . Do u think it's possible to experience things as normal once again then ?


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