# I can't believe it



## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I'll apologize in advance for the depressive post. It probably doesn't serve any real purpose, but hey, I can't see myself being around much longer anyway so I doubt it matters.

Less than ten days ago I was doing great. The worst was behind me. Everything was shaping up to be good again. Finally, I thought, things were gonna start picking up. After a lot of hard work, and a ton of suffering, my life seemed to be evolving from a tragedy of bad luck into something quite good.

Since then, I started getting flickering vision, and now dizziness too. I can't even read without distraction, and I have exams on the horizon which I might well fail.

The depression's come back instantly over this last week. I haven't been able to go out - besides to the Doctor's - I'm at my lowest ebb ever, and I don't know why.

I can't believe this has happened. I wish it hadn't. I'm so low now that I'm "making deals with God" - and I'm nearly as unreligious as Martin!

So this is it, I guess. I really can't be arsed to try anymore. I've lost too much already. My problems go beyond DP and it's asking too much to try any more.

I'm giving myself till the middle of next week to see if these fresh symptoms go away. If they don't, then, well, that's it for me I'm afraid - as much as I would have liked things to turn out otherwise. I never expected my life to turn out like this.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Monkeydust

I know that there is not much anyone can say to you when you feel this low, not anything that can lift you immediately out of your depression.
You need to know that right now things seem much worse than they are, you said it yourself that 10 days ago, things were much better. Everything _seems_ much worse now because you are having a physical problem too, which is scaring you.

I know how you feel, well, I can't say that for sure, but I do know that I have felt very badly at times, and not been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Your state of mind is very negative so everything will seem out of proportion. Give yourself more time, because it is entirely possible for you to feel better, this is just a setback on the road to recovery.

Gx


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

I'm feeling similar Monkeydust...Thankfully I don't have any physical symptoms and everything is my life is going fairly well. But the DP and depressive thinking is KILLING me!!!! I too was feeling good about 10 days ago. But really sank since. This week has been HELL! I hope that it goes away and I feel better again, cause I have my ups and downs!!!! The thing that makes it difficult for me is that each time I sink back down, I feel more discouraged and closer to ending it all. The up feeling is good and pretty normal, but the down time is HORRIBLE! But we gotta keep pushin. It's all we can do. Try to put yourself in the mind set you had 2 weeks ago. There is no way you would have thought of ending it all then. That has been how I have been thinking. Just try to think with the mindset of feeling better. Just don't do anything you would regret. Hang in there.

Kelson


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I do appreciate the help, I really do. But it appears things aren't like that for me.

Recovery's not simply a case of "mental wellbeing". I managed that. I worked hard with determination to overcome the worst of my depression, anxiety and DP as a "final push" to get better after years of previous health issues as well. I'd already missed out on much of what I could have had, but I thought I'd salvage what was left and I did.

With these new symptoms - the source of which I have no idea - I can barely read or do anything. It's got so bad that I've been closing my eyes and listening to the TV, since watching it's unbearable for me with this visual symptom going on.

If I had "just" depression or "just" DP/anxiety, I'd be ok, I'd do whatever was necessary to recover. With all this on top of it there's nothing I can do and no respite whatsoever. There is no escape for me.

There's only one way to escape all this, and if this symptom doesn't go away, that's what I'm gonna have to go for. I guess that's just the way my life was meant to be.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

If you did it before, what is different now? Is it because you are convinced that the problem with your eyes is serious? I sympathise, I really do, because I get very consumed with things like that. I am not saying that it might not be a genuine problem at all, but you cannot assume the worst.

I don't know if this is what is causing the sudden setback, but I'm sure it would do the same to me at this vulnerable/early stage of recovery. You HAVE to not think along the lines that this is much much worse than just having dp or whatever, and that it is the final straw. I'm sure most of us have felt like that, not undermining your feelings, just assuring you it is not uncommon to feel that way. Life throws us some shit cards but sometimes it doesn't. It won't always be like this.

You have worked with determination, so this must feel like a smack in the face and pretty unfair too. Unfortunately you need to apply the same strength again. 
Your life was not 'meant' to be any way. I don't believe in fate.

'My will shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny'.

(Elaine Maxwell - somebody who cure herself of this crap)


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I'm not saying I wouldn't be able to recover anyway. It's just that with this new symptom it's gonna be much harder, and, after everything else, I don't know if I'd even want to be "mentally ok" with all the rest of this going on.

My actual eyes are fine. I had them checked out earlier this week. So either I have some neurological problem, or there's nothing "wrong" _per se_ and I'm just getting symptoms without real cause. I couldn't bear either possibility, quite frankly. Not after everything else.

I don't believe in fate after. But having lived my life, it seems hard to conceive how things could have gone in any direction other than the one that they have. Any human breaks under a certain amount of pressure, and mine's already exceeded this limit.

I've had enough suffering already. This is just one too many.


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi Monkeydust,

You are still obviously suffering from depresson. Depression and anxiety can definitely have a severe effect on our vision. Have you considered taking an anti-depressant? Wether we like it or not, we are at the mercy of our brain chemistry, and not the other way around. One thing about hitting rock bottom is there is only one direction we can go. Just hang on, things will get better.

Joe


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I sure hope so, Joe, we'll see.

I don't think it's depression or anxiety causing these symptoms. They came on when I was at my most mentally healthy in the past 6 months. I really don't know.

I'm planning to keep fighting at least into next week. If this symptom abates by then, I'll have hope. If not, that's gone.

I have a feeling that it's here to stay since I've had similarly "odd" health problems before that have defied explanation - and gone on without any let-up.

I'm just hoping this one will sort itself out quicker than what's gone before.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

I agree with you in part, Joe, I believe our predisposition to psychological problems may make our battle much more difficult than others. But I don't believe we are at the mercy of it. I think both interact, and that our environment and experiences significantly affect our psychological processes. I am not saying that we can out think our problems, but there are things we can do that can help ourselves considerably, as shown by many people here on the board.


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

i believe the way i felt last summer could only have been periods of an absence of serotonin. there was nothing i or any of my family could do to help this. my life, relationships, plans were all great. my mum is totally against me taking ads as she knows they affect me adversely, however, i knew they were the only thing that could help me and i'd have to see through the adverse reactions. i have a big fear of meds and wouldn't have done this if there was any other option. i don't just get sad and not get enjoyment out of things when depressed and dp'ed i go into a totally unbearable state. i believe it's a physical thing to do with serotonin basically caused by my abuse of drugs that mess with this.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Dont get me wrong, effexor lifted me out of a deep dark hole. I cant say for sure that it was only that, because that coincided with a lot of progress with 'self'. I'm not kidding myself, I do feel at that point I needed more than just that 'self help' though and to be honest my experience of all this sounds a lot like yours pdr, in that it is episodic, but when it strikes is totally horrific.

Maybe at more severe levels it takes more severe action. ie drug therapy, in order to kick start us. I don't know, I was quick to jump in and disagree but I can see how at desperate times the only thing one can do is let a drug do the work for us.
Before that point comes though, I believe we can help ourselves to avoid it. In certain mental illnesses, not all.


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

hi g-funk

i agree; i'm taking all the supplements and green juices and really trying to build up my natural resources so i can try and taper off lustral. i do believe that it has a slight dp/dr affect in that it keeps me a step removed, but it's not the hell i go to.

personally i've got an appointment about getting on the ivf waiting list soon and (although the gp has told me some women go through pregnancy on ssris) i won't go through with it unless i'm off the med.

are you still on effexor?


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

yeah but I would like to not be! It really is a case of weighing up the pros and cons. I would rather be completely natural but at this stage I think I still need it.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

Hi monkey. i just wanted to give you this- a big gianormous...(((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))). Sorry i know you dont know me that intimatly and its scarey when a tiger bear hugs you but im giving it to u anyway. My thoughts are with you. Please hang in there.


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

I think if a person catches this stuff in the early stages, we can take control of this stuff to some extent. I know this is easier said than done being it seems to sneak up on us. If we elimintate stress from our lives(good luck!) it can be a great benefit. Once our chemistry has been severely altered, I dont believe we can think our way out of it. Once we are in a mental state that is so intolerable that we dissociate, its time for the ssris.

Joe


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