# Was I ever recovered?



## hennessy (Apr 2, 2008)

I've had dr/dp after a long time of stress, anxiety and light depression on 2008. I was really struggling and suddenly I started to feel odd and weird. I can not completely remember what was it like to me since it was a long time ago and I usually don't bother thinking about it coz it'd bad for me. After felt like "cured" and "rebalanced" for 4 or 5 years now I feel like I'm back on the square one again(not as intense as before)

In those 4 or 5 years I can say I was happy and normal I just had some OCD issues but I easily got over them. Though I was still having little moments of "what if?" like what if the things around me and the life I am living is not "REAL". I was trying to convince myself that everything I live and experience and everything around me is %100 real. I guess nobody can be sure of that. So I said fuck it and kept on living my life to the fullest.

I from time to time felt like:
"I feel there's nothing more I can do. I've just been living my life; I've even gotten over most of my anxiety. I have hope for recovery, but at the same time I realize I don't need it to live life. I'm generally happy, I just feel like a part of me is missing. But I can't even remember who that is anymore. And feel just a little disconnected from reality because I can't be sure of it %100 "

Last 3 days I have been extremely stressfull about my job issues and my school was about to start. It caused a lot of anxiety, I got typical symptoms like cold hands and faster than usual heart rates. Was trying hard to remain calm and think healthily, clearly. I couldn't make it so most probably that is causing the derealization.

Here are the symptoms I have:

1- Feel like I'm so far away from reality. I can easily perceive things the way they are. I can see and hear them just the way they are but they feel a little weird and most importantly I feel far away from them. Like feeling disconnected from reality and feeling desynchronized. (maybe a extreme example but it's like I'm in another world and all the things I perceive are from another world so that leads to the feeling of the world I am experiening is "virtual".

2- Can't be sure if I am living and can't be sure what I am experiencing is "real".

3- Slightly feeling like I am living in a scenerio and I am just seeing the world from another ones life. Everything I do and people do seems "automated".

4- Can't be sure if the people around me are real. I can not feel connected with them. I can't be sure they are alive and there. (definetely got that one 5 years ago, now maybe it's just because of overanalysing)

5- Feels like "the real me" is sleeping in somewhere else and I can suddenly wake up. this is all just a dream. Reality is way different than what I am experiencing in this world.

6- Feeling very numb.

Maybe these are just the symptoms of anxiety, I can't be sure of anything. I'm really confused. It's all foggy.
At the last 4-5 years the only symptom I had was the numbness which can be experienced except dr too.

Also I wonder what if we just let it go. What if we weren't stuck on these symptoms so much and thinking about them all the time. Because I keep building theories and that may also cause some of the problems I have.

About how it affects my life: It clearly doesn't affect my life a lot. Not to sound cocky but I am kinda a social expert so it does not affect my relationships with people and I can keep on living my daily life as it was before. (not getting so much joy from it because of dr of course). I wouldn't want a real relationship right now though, because it would be hard to deal with it in that state of mind.

I'm very busy and have to keep working but it sometimes makes it kinda hard to work when all these feelings of dr and questioning of reality occurs. The daily matters lose their importance a little(you kinda feel like I feel fucking disconnected and awkward anyways so why would I bother all these)
Also tonight I feel fucking depressed because of the way I feel and I thought a lot and it got worse. I hate the depressed mood. I don't want to talk with people right now but of course I will.

I really need some help about it right now. I want to go back to being completely normal and feeling normal. I want to be back to reality.
I want the feeling of simply, purely feeling alive and feeling "here". without doubts, all clear and all the visions and the everything looks normal and all good. And I want to enjoy the life and be convinced on that's the only reality. also don't want any of these symptoms and I want to be totally connected with my surroundings, with the world and with the people.

That state of mind that I'm in now also led me to ask "was the dr every gone or I was just ignoring it"


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## M A R S (Jun 24, 2005)

Im feeling like you also right now, i have been dealing with this off and on for 20 years. I could feel the fear of reality coming back this past weeks and then my mind snapped and here i am. I feel as if this is a dream, unlike others is does not look like one its just like my mind is in side my mind so to speak. I sound insane..

I last had this in 2010 and then i know i was better at some point because i asked my self "What was i thinking when i felt like that" Now i ask my self, "how is this my life, was i ever better? what will become of me" Im dealing with real stress, its been 17 years since my mom died, my dad is sick again and i have PTSD from the death of my brothers.

In addition to all kind of life stress and real health issues i saw a car crash last week where people were killed in very scary and horrible ways, i saw them die. A few days after that i just lost my mind.


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## Austin620/1995 (Aug 1, 2012)

I'm convinced now that this really is in our heads and something is just fucking with our perception.. maybe it's possible to think our way out of it.


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## falcontk (Aug 22, 2012)

"And I want to enjoy the life and be convinced on that's the only reality. also don't want any of these symptoms and I want to be totally connected with my surroundings, with the world and with the people."

This is exactly what I want to move towards. There are moments where I believe I achieve it, but there are hundreds of moments where I don't. It's almost like I'm reluctant to give in because maybe I believe this isn't the real reality. 

And the most odd thing is, that despite us feeling unreal, we still 'google' things. We still have this need to talk to people and to have jobs and to be educated, etc. Yet, we just can't comprehend it like we used to before.

Sigh. Fuck this shit.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Somehow your post gave me a little sense of "hope" in an odd way. Mainly because I feel the exact same way currently, and I'm glad I'm not the only one. I was recovered for four years, with flair ups here and there, but am freaking out now that it's back in it's full form and I question whether or not it was gone to begin with.


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