# Here we go again. (its long but please read, )



## vannasarous (Jul 24, 2015)

How did I get here? Why is this happening again? Who am I? I am savanna, but I feel as if ive lost touch with savanna, and im nothing more than existing. Am I a existing? I cant tell. Im locked in a box with no escape, well thats how I feel. Wait, whats it like to feel again? Im not sure.

I grew up in a house hold with a drug addict step dad, and a psychotic mother. I went through days on end with never ending stress, and emotional and sometimes physical abuse. My mother is a manipulative, narcissistic human being, and it is her fault I am this way. Do I hate my mother? No. It is not her fault that she is the way she is. She as a child was molested and abused herself. My step father was a good person, but he turned to drugs because he couldnt deal with the women that he thought he loved. He sold all of our shit, and we went with out food, water, and electricity in order to provide for his addiction. He went to jail and managed to get clean and when he came out, he was a better man for the good, but my mother had not changed. Soon, my mother turned to drugs, and that was harder because I had already wanted my mother love and attention, something i never received, but now i felt betrayal. I am her daughter, why would she do such a thing? To top all of this off, the man I thought was my father was not. My super hero, was not the man i thought he was. Some drug addict was the man who helped create me, but ended up dying when i was 14 years old, luckily the man who i thought was my father still stood in his position as a super hero and maned up was my savior in my time of need.

Bad things happen to everyone, and do i feel sorry for myself? I do not, because i know that there are people out there that have had it worse, but people process things differently, and when i smoked pot for the first time at the age of 14 that is when i developed DP/DR. I was so scared and lost at what was happening to me. I thought I was insane and that i was so alone in the world, but some how i managed to work through it and by the age or 16 or 17 i felt more like myself again. I wasnt having anxiety attacks and i regained my sense of self. Now, at the age of almost 21 im back to square one, and maybe even in the negative. This time i feel like ive completely lost sense of myself. I feel as if i do not even exist, and the things im seeing arent really being seen. As if im looking though glass, or in frames i guess is the best way you could put it. I dont know what its like to feel normal any more, and im slipping into a depressive state. Why do i feel like this? Because i made a STUPID decision to do a psychoactive drug, because i thought i could handle it, but i couldnt, and now im scared.

Honestly though, three weeks ago, i was waking up every day in a panic because i thought i was insane, i no longer felt like myself and the world seemed so strange. Im no longer waking up in panic, but the world seems very strange. Things dont seem real to me, even though i know that they are, this is a weird mind set to be in. A part of me deep down, knows that this will go away, but theres a part of me thats saying that ill be like this forever and that this is my life because i made one measly mistake. I cannot take back what i did, and i know that i did wrong, but i do not want to feel as if i dont exist. Even typing this im asking myself does this site even exist? Are there really people out there that feel like me. Its a hard concept to wrap my head around. Another thing is i feel if i was to let go of this feeling, that will lose all contact with reality and completely lose my shit. I feel as if my conscious. The person i once new is just sitting inside my brain watching everything and not taking initiative to play along. I hate this feeling, but i know that in time, i will regain my sense of self, and i have been taking baby steps on my way to recovery, but the hardest part is accepting that im struggling with this hell called DP/DR and im not actually a lunatic.

My name is savanna.


----------



## vannasarous (Jul 24, 2015)

Road2recover said:


> I know how u feel. I would wake up everyday when i lived with my narrcistc mom in panic and stuff everyday. Now that i live with my dad its gone but things still arent right, my dad contributes to it to cause of his coma. It interest me the way u said u felt about ur mom, thats how i feel. its not her fault and i still love her im not mad at her, shes just the reason i feel dpd i found out. I think the solution is when u can provide for your self and get in a healthy invoirment, it will go away and things will look real again i expeirenced this the other day when i went down town, theres always a reason for dp and my dr's dont understand it so alot of the work u have to do on ur own. now knowing who my mom really is was a big eye opener though, i always thought she was caring but shes not, but its not her fault. She cant help it. but i have to heal and live life the way its supposed to be lived.


 I do love my mom, and every day i wish that i could bond with her in the way that a mother and daughter should. It sucks knowing that i cant because she cant grasp that there is something wrong with her. I do feel as if im regaining sense again, but i still feel like im insane. The world isnt seeming as strange to me, but i still feel like im looking through glass, and that everything is 2D. Its so hard to explain but it seems that people know what im feeling. The first time i went through this it was nearly as bad as it is right now. I didnt question my existence, I just felt dreamy and tihs is a lot harder to handle. I feel so bad for my boyfriend becaues im so emotionally detached. I feel so helpless right now and feel as if ill never be normal again. I feel like that person i once knew is in some kind of limbo.


----------



## JoOnTheGo10 (Jul 25, 2015)

I do not believe my dp or dr is caused by smoking weed as I rarely smoke. When I used to smoke everyday, I never had dp or dr.

I just found out I have autoimmune diseases like hashimoto's and celiac and possible lupus. I'm hoping that with treating these underlying diseases, I can recover from constant dp and dr.


----------



## slenderman124 (Dec 26, 2014)

Im sorry this happened to you. If you get out of this I strongly suggest that you never touch any drugs again. Not even weed. Youre one of the unlucky that has a brain that simply cannot handle drugs. I wish you luck.


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

I can totally identify with your state of mind savannah..Its awful but hang in there..Things will improve..You are not alone..Everybody on here understands what your going through...


----------



## vannasarous (Jul 24, 2015)

eddy1886 said:


> I can totally identify with your state of mind savannah..Its awful but hang in there..Things will improve..You are not alone..Everybody on here understands what your going through...


Thank you, its so hard though but i see improvement every day. I just have to stay positive and live my life. Im a fighter!


----------

