# Finding a girlfriend



## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Ok, I'm sure this topic has been brought up before, but I haven't seen it in a while. I've always had a hard time talking to and approaching girls, basically cause I know what I deal with and go through on the mental side of the house so I just avoid the significant other thing. Well, most of my friends have girlfriends. I was kinna talking to this girl at work, but I was wishy washy with her and plus we work together, and now she is kinna talking to someone else. So of course that makes me feel like crap. I just don't know. I don't want to be by myself for the rest of my life, but yet my depression, anxiety, DP really makes it hard to want to get out and find someone. What does everyone else feel on this?

Kelson


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## subtlerobot (Oct 15, 2005)

i find it extremely hard to keep a girlfriend, because dp absorbs too much of my mindset. i had a girlfriend before i got dp, up until a few weeks ago, but we broke up because i didn't pay her enough attention that i shouldve. it just makes me feel so goddamn shitty, that this state of mind is preventing me from doing so many things... rawr! she also didn't like my constant bouts of depression, and instead of giving me support or anything, she'd just yell at me. fuck dp.

now i'm wary about finding another girl, i don't want to treat anyone else like shit.


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

Two words:

Nudist Camp.

Dial up a nudist camp for the weekend. It helped me open up around people. I didn't have as much social anxiety afterwards. Once you've been naked around so many people, for several hours or more, per time, you'll have less fear of people or girls in general.

There's nothing sexual about it, really. If there was, I wouldn't have done it. You just go and smack around some balls on the tennis court, with some naked women there. No big whoop.

I used to hate walking around nude at the YMCA; now I don't even care anymore.

Jeff


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

having a girlfriend is one of the last things on my mind, there are so many other things i want to get back its not even funny. much more important things, but i can't seem to get them back. its like there is no way out.


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

1A...haha...crazy. But honestly, I'm not embarassed being naked. That's not my fear. It's just the desire to want to have a girlfriend really isn't there, but I want it to be. It's there for everyone else, why not me??? It's like, what's wrong with me. The naked thing isn't a problem at all. It's just having the desire and want to be with someone all the time, when I can barely stand being awake!

Livinginhell333...I totally agree. There are soooooo many things I want to get back to. But I just see everyone else having these things and the desire to do these things and everything and I just wonder why I don't want them as well? And why I can't feel them.

Kelson


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

Kelson....just remember this when it comes to girls: Sense of humor, confidence, and be a good listener. Even if you don't agree with them, act like you're listening and show empathy. And don't confuse confidence with being cocky, although it doesn't hurt if you're "totally hot and b*tchin" or "extremely good-looking".

When approaching girls, I also recommend wearing loose-boot jeans two sizes smaller than you should be wearing, a button down shirt tied in a knot around your belly button, and a Gucci man bag for accessory.


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

Dreamland said:


> When approaching girls, I also recommend wearing loose-boot jeans two sizes smaller than you should be wearing, a button down shirt tied in a knot around your belly button, and a Gucci man bag for accessory.


Funny!


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## Guest (Jan 27, 2006)

Who needs a girlfriend when you've got this! 








J.K. i need a girlfriend too


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

j-utah.........come now, you can't compare rizunning a bizatch with the real thing....?


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

> That's not my fear. It's just the desire to want to have a girlfriend really isn't there, but I want it to be. It's there for everyone else, why not me??? It's like, what's wrong with me.


Don't be so hard on yourself. Just because everyone else has a girlfriend, you don't have to have the same and follow in their footsteps. I have never had a boyfriend (I'm 27 now). Sometimes I would really want a boyfriend, but other times I just think "oh well, maybe I'll meet a nice man and maybe I'll stay alone (define alone when you have DID, haha!) and have my dear pets near me". Some people live alone, some live with a partner (same or different sex), some have a roommate, some are divorced... Let it come the way it comes and don't beat yourself up over it.


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Luka said:


> > That's not my fear. It's just the desire to want to have a girlfriend really isn't there, but I want it to be. It's there for everyone else, why not me??? It's like, what's wrong with me.
> 
> 
> Don't be so hard on yourself. Just because everyone else has a girlfriend, you don't have to have the same and follow in their footsteps. I have never had a boyfriend (I'm 27 now). Sometimes I would really want a boyfriend, but other times I just think "oh well, maybe I'll meet a nice man and maybe I'll stay alone (define alone when you have DID, haha!) and have my dear pets near me". Some people live alone, some live with a partner (same or different sex), some have a roommate, some are divorced... Let it come the way it comes and don't beat yourself up over it.


Thanks. That's really good advice. I try not to beat myself up over it. But it can be hard. I'm the type of person who sees the norm in life and wonders why I'm not there with the norm! Ya know? The norm gets wasted off alcohol all the time, why am I not doin that. The norm loves reality TV, why don't I? Everyone has a girlfriend, why don't I? Everyone seems so happy most of the time, why don't I? Everyone wants to go out and meet people, why don't I always want to?


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## Guest (Jan 27, 2006)

> I have never had a boyfriend (I'm 27 now).


loser. :lol:


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

j_utah said:


> Who needs a girlfriend when you've got this!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

I think I can relate to what your saying. After a couple long term relationships I got into what I think may have been a similar thought pattern and feeling disociation pattern concerning relationships. What I have found that is working to a certain degree for me in this area, is the same approach for every other area challenged by thought patterns and disociation. That is to just get out and try doing it in small steps, while also doing daily work to help heal disociation and other issues. I have found that when I try things and later journal about it, I discover that I was able to accomplish more than I thought I would, more easily than I thought, that though bumps happened I could deal with them, that I learn from practice, and that unless I work on disociation, etc issues I tend to more frequently forget both my good experiences and my social skills. So the basic idea is to just get out at least a little bit, try simple things, experiment and learn, practice and grow while also doing healing work.

Here are some more ideas on the 'dating' stage of relationships:

work on life basics:
-cognitive work, art therapy and groups support for disociation, annxiety, depression and self esteem
-a relaible job or career
-budgeting
-being physicaly healthy through exercise and dental appointments
-clean teeth, body, clothes, car and apartment always

have some level of social life:
-find a couple hang out spots and go there weekly. That way you become a 'regular', get to know people, make friends and most importantly won't be dependent on any dating relationship for most social contact. These spots could be church, school, gym, bookstore, coffee house, bowling, etc.
A big stumbling block in my life, and in many other peoples, is looking to ones girlfriend too much and too often for all kinds of social support. Being needy is also a sure way to quickly turn women off when meeting them for the first time. So I think it pays large to keep dating and other social stuff seperate. And by the way, I can't recomend enough never dating on any job one wants to keep or in other similar situations.

Some more dating specific rsuggestions:
-ask a woman friend to go shopping for clothes with you at thrift shops. Sounds funny, but it works wonders in getting a wardrobe that other women notice.
-practice standing and walking tall, making eye contact with people, and talking in a slow, deep, projective voice or whatever the 'confident' version of your voice is.
-develop 'confidence' by using positive self talk to minimize insecurities. 'Confidence' is really the lack of insecurities.
-practice being cocky and funny. That means playfully overconfident in a fun way. This is a basic way to flirt for men. If she's laughing or playfully punching your arm, etc, your doing well. Mix this up with just being laid back, making small talk and chilling out together.
-When you see a women you like, walk right up, smile and/or make a light joke or comment. Light Chat for less than 2 or 3 minutes, than say 'Oh, by the way what's your email address?' Don't hide the fact your interested but stay laid back and light/fun about it.
-make your first 'date' for tea or coffee to decide on going further. Don't hesitate to say no or move on to the next date if desired. Your out to have fun, and neither of you can do that if there isn't a good connection.
-make next date someplace you go for the fun of it. Perhaps one of your weekly spots were you have gained a social place.
-avoid talk on work, family or school, make small talk and keep it playful and fun.

There is a huge amount of flirting and/or dating type experiences to try out, practice and enjoy without the necesity of heavy duty boyfriend-girlfriend status. Gaining skills in this area creates choices because it makes one feel less dependent and needy. A large amount of this can be done with little risk. For the risky parts: don't see a woman more than once or twice a week for the first month at least while you get to know her, and always use a condom. ie: avoid disease and falling in love with a problem person. Maintaining the mindset of 'I am casually dating/flirting around while developing and healing my self and gaining social skills and experience.' is attractive to women, because it creates a reality of having choices, having fun energy and not being needy. My favorite site with a free newsletter for skills in this area: http://www.doubleyourdating.com

M


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

j_utah said:


> > I have never had a boyfriend (I'm 27 now).
> 
> 
> loser. :lol:


thats a little harsh. I'm 18 and have never had a real girlfriend. There have been a couple girls that almost were, but after a couple weeks i ruined it. I don't enjoy being with them because i get so nervous and blank headed. Everytime theres a girl that likes me i avoid them because of this anxiety. I don't do it purposely, but everytime i think about calling them or hanging out with them i put it off till tomorrow and then tomorrow etc... Eventually they lose interest or are hurt becuase i never called them back. Now thats a loser.


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

j_utah said:


> > I have never had a boyfriend (I'm 27 now).
> 
> 
> loser. :lol:


Oh yeah, laugh at me if you will!  But seriously, I think I unconsciously kept boys far away from me because of the sexual abuse that was going on  I lost my trust in men (I'm a girl btw). I'm still working on that issue. And alot of boys couldn't handle me :? I was weird and my behavior was very unpredictable. One alter would come on to a boy and another would yell at him and push him away. It's understandable that they run as fast as they could. There was only one boy, but I couldn't count on him


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

> Now thats a loser.


No! You're not a loser. You have a troubled mind and life and if they really wanted you, they would come after you and fight to get your attention. They were not worth your love.


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

urbn said:


> j_utah said:
> 
> 
> > > I have never had a boyfriend (I'm 27 now).
> ...


You are still incredibly young. You have so much time. I have a lot of time too. You are not a loser. Don't say that. If they knew why you didn't call back, then they'd understand you're not doing it on purpose.

I haven't dated a lot, and one girl I met at a support group. We went out for almost a year. With my anxiety and DP and her bi-polar it just wasn't working out. She wanted me over every day, 7 days a week, and I lived maybe 25 minutes away. Sometimes it would be 8:30 or 9 by the time I got over and she would fall asleep by 10. There just wasn't enough time.

Jeff


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

urbn AND Luka neither of you are losers.

Acording to my religion, staying single all your life is a desirable thing, not necessary but desirable. When men and wemon get together it can cause many problems and we should all try to see the good in what we have. I know many people that choose to live there whole lives alone but they are never lonly. And I know other people that are married that are miserable. Being single is actually easier if you stop masterbateing and stop thinking about sex so much. Every time you give in to your impulses you just make it harder to live without sex. Stop masterbateing everyone and you won't be as lonely anymore. It takes time but your desires will fade away if you don't continue to make sex the most important thing in your life. There is much more to life than sex.


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## Guest (Jan 27, 2006)

i was kiddin around. Its pretty hard to have a relationship with someone else when you have a poor relationship with yourself. Im like the avoidant personality type who avoids everything like relationships/activities/goals and just life in general... its like my soul was never meant to be in this era of time but rather in a different time. I have dissociated myself from reality through philosophy and now am stuck in a dark place with no visible exit signs.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

j_utah said:


> i was kiddin around. Its pretty hard to have a relationship with someone else when you have a poor relationship with yourself. Im like the avoidant personality type who avoids everything like relationships/activities/goals and just life in general... its like my soul was never meant to be in this era of time but rather in a different time. I have dissociated myself from reality through philosophy and now am stuck in a dark place with no visible exit signs.


right there with ya man.


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

Thanks for the kind worlds luka and 1A.

*Luka*


> if they really wanted you, they would come after you and fight to get your attention.


Well they were both outgoing girls, but i managed to turn them off. I'm trying to learn to return the attention and affection. It can't be one sided.

*1a*, bipolar and dp must have been a hard mix. Thats cool you guys made it work for almost a year.

*Lostone* there is more to life than sex, but emotional and sexual companionship is pretty much a human need. I have been living my life without either so far and i feel so alone. I want a girlfriend so bad, but i am such a lazy, nervous, coward i don't do anything about it. I'm going to have to change that if i ever want to be happy. If you can be happy being alone then good for you. To each their own.

*Utah* that sounds so much like me. I just don't want to do a thing. I basically avoid everything that takes work or is unpleasant in any way. That is just about everything since anything social or goal oriented is gruelling. I think not doing anything is why i am so depressed though. I gotta push myself to do all the stuff i hate to do but want to get done. You should push yourself too utah. I know what you mean sorta about the philosophy thing. Does society make you sick sometimes? Dp has brought some heavy philosophy on me. The only thing i can see to do about it is try to be a part of as many positive causes as possible. I have not done anything yet, but i think i am going to sponsor a child somewhere. i sent away for the info.

It still often seems like life in general blows, but i refuse to accept that as an answer.


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## HopeFloats (Dec 22, 2005)

kelson12 said:


> I don't want to be by myself for the rest of my life, but yet my depression, anxiety, DP really makes it hard to want to get out and find someone. What does everyone else feel on this?
> 
> Kelson


I think if you just put yourself out there a little bit, you will find someone who likes you and loves you for who you are..dp and all.


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

urbn

I know exactly how you feel and I am very lonely myself but I try to realize that things could be worse. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I feel less lonely and miserable when I realize that most people in this world are miserable even those that have many friends and those that are married. I don't want to live my whole life alone but if that is what happens because of my DP/DR than I will just try to make the best out of what life gives me. I think that it would be easy for many of us to just latch on to the first person that shows us interset, but getting with the wrong person is worse then not haveing anyone at all. If we become desperate then we are opening ourselves up to being used by other people. I was forced to be alone because of my DP/DR and trust me I have had my bouts with suicidal thoughts but I have learned over the years to except what I have (or don't have) and not to envy anything anymore. I think we should all try to focus on fixing our own lives before we drag another person into our messed up lives anyway.

P.S. Sex is not a need for us personaly to survive. It is only a need for our species to survive. For us as individuals it is just a desire. Don't tell yourself that you can't live without it, or you are giveing it undo power over your life. Haveing a good friend around can drive off loneliness just as well as a mate can. It is the lack of sex that will drive you crazy if you let it.


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

I'm going to start a DP dating game reality show.....


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## Guest (Jan 28, 2006)

I can basically relate to all of you... we have too many things in common


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

Dreamland good idea :idea:

You should advertise it on dpselfhelp!

Although I don't think your show would get many viewers.

We are all just to boring I think.


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## julie13 (Oct 6, 2005)

OMG!!! Methusala, if you mention that doubleyourdating crap one more time... im going to lose my mind...even more so than i already have.

are you their spokesperson??!

Besides, I highly doubt a free newsletter is going to cure the anxiety of dating...its a totally different experience for everyone. Personally, I don't like dating because I think the whole "getting to know each other" is a bunch of BS, and everyone just tries to act their most polite and put on their best face and then when you find out about that person REALLY, you are inevitably dissapointed because they acted so "perfect" on the date. It's the whole peeling of the onion thing, you have to start off with friendly banter and pointless chatter so as to not scare the other person away...totally exhausting and counterproductive. Usually i just tell guys not to waste their time, because i don't feel like i want anyone to get to know me, and why would they want to date me anyways? I don't even like getting to know me, so why would somebody else?? These are the thoughts that keep me from dating anybody, and I really wish I didn't have them.

And then there is the actual "date." I am usually so nervous that I can never even enjoy myself. Say if its going out to dinner, I just feel so awkward, like a little girl playing dress up or something, just completely out of place. Usually I just suggest a movie, that way I don't have to talk and I don't have to listen to him brag about himself. Works out better. 
I wish i didnt think like this


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

julie13 said:


> OMG!!! Methusala, if you mention that doubleyourdating crap one more time... im going to lose my mind...even more so than i already have.


There is a cool site everyone should check out. It's called http://www.doubleyourdating.com in case you don't know.  LOL.


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## julie13 (Oct 6, 2005)

:lol:


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## Guyver-Gabriel (Oct 29, 2005)

whatever u do , dont say u have a tiny weenie. doesnt help. 

-not that i tried  -


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## julie13 (Oct 6, 2005)

Mr. Mortgage, did you hear that? Don't tell the girls you have a teeny weeny.


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## julie13 (Oct 6, 2005)

deleted


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## julie13 (Oct 6, 2005)

deleted


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## jenn43 (Jan 13, 2006)

I constantly think about relationships and friends and how to make them work w/dp it seems impossible, I just ended a 3 yr relationship that couldnt be maintained primarily from dp. And I was also scared to leave that relationship because I know it will be impossible to start a new one, I will never get a chance to know someone when 90% of the time I dont know myself. I get so paranoid about dping when Im around new people. Dp changes my mindset and emotions so rapidly its just too hard, almost like I have split personalitys. I dunno, its just hard to get close to anyone with this disorder, its hell


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

LOSTONE said:


> urbn
> 
> I know exactly how you feel and I am very lonely myself but I try to realize that things could be worse. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I feel less lonely and miserable when I realize that most people in this world are miserable even those that have many friends and those that are married. I don't want to live my whole life alone but if that is what happens because of my DP/DR than I will just try to make the best out of what life gives me. I think that it would be easy for many of us to just latch on to the first person that shows us interset, but getting with the wrong person is worse then not haveing anyone at all. If we become desperate then we are opening ourselves up to being used by other people. I was forced to be alone because of my DP/DR and trust me I have had my bouts with suicidal thoughts but I have learned over the years to except what I have (or don't have) and not to envy anything anymore. I think we should all try to focus on fixing our own lives before we drag another person into our messed up lives anyway.
> 
> P.S. Sex is not a need for us personaly to survive. It is only a need for our species to survive. For us as individuals it is just a desire. Don't tell yourself that you can't live without it, or you are giveing it undo power over your life. Haveing a good friend around can drive off loneliness just as well as a mate can. It is the lack of sex that will drive you crazy if you let it.


Lostone, that is great trait to be happy with what you have. Are you truly happy being alone though? People should accept the things they cannot change, but this is something you can. It is extremely hard with dp, but you can never give up. It is true you shouldn't latch on to anyone who shows you interest or let people use you. There are a lot of people out there that aren't worth knowing or having a relationship with. There are good people too. There are definately people out there worth connecting with. Meeting them is not so easy. The only way to do it is interact with as many people out there as possible. Eventually you will meet someone worth being friends with or maybe more. Also i don't think you should think of it as dragging someone into your messed up life. Everyone has problems whether they realize it or not. In a relationship the two people should be able to console each other and give each other strength. Also it may be hard to fix yourself before interacting with others. I have found i realize many things about myself through socialization (the little i do). I may have ideas, but i don't fully realize them until i get them out into words when talking to someone, or writing on this board. Exchanging ideas is a wonderful thing.

I do think that sex is a necessary part of human life. It is a left over of our animal instinct. In the competitive, survival of the fittest world in nature it is needed for a species to reproduce as much as possible to survive. Our culture is counter to that world because life is preserved in every way possible. It is still written inside us to reproduce like bunnies though. It is somewhat unfortunate because we are on a path to severe overpopulation. It seems people become pent up and sexually frustrated if they don't act on this instinct(me  ). You are right that sex isn't everthing, but i imagine its an amazing thing to indulge in with someone you love. Its also just probably f*cking fun. I am talking out my ass right now though because sadly i am a virgin.


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

> I am talking out my ass right now though because sadly i am a virgin.


Yep that would explain your views, it is understandable!

urbn I agree with you on everything except the sex thing. I do want to find someone to share my life with very badly. But getting all DP about it is not going to help me find the person that I truely want. I have very high standereds in a women and because of that and the fact that my life is messed up right now, I know that getting married is something for my future not for my present in time. So for now I will just deal with my sexual desires and not get all desperate about my situation.

Sex is not nessacry for our own personal survival. You will not die if you do not have intercorse. Along with our desires that we got from evolution or Jehovah God (whichever you choose), we also have a great deal of intelligence, we are not apes and therefore we should not act like apes.

P.S. If I were to just give in to my desires all the time then I would be rapeing every women that I seen. This is a normal desire for men, we desire to spread our seed into every women possible, but we have intelligence and morals, every human being on earth shars this in commen. It does not matter what race you are or what culture you come from. Humans are made for morality and intelligence, not for selfish pleasings of our own desires. We are in control of everything we do, and that is what makes us diffrent from the ape world. Don't tell yourself that Sex is nessacry because if you do, you are just giveing sex way to much power over your life.


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

LOSTONE said:


> Humans are made for morality and intelligence, not for selfish pleasings of our own desires.


Very true although few live by that unfortunately.

I see your point sometimes people are just in a place in their life where they don't need or want a relationship. I am really no person to be talking about raltionships anyway since mine have been quite few and sad.


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

> Very true although few live by that unfortunately.


That is the problem with this world, we all know what to do but we don't do it.

The truth lies inside our own head's and inside our own hearts but most people refuse to listen to there own conscious and that is what leads to DP/DR, the refusal to listen to the facts of life. Everyone needs to pay attention to what they already know.


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

LOSTONE said:


> That is the problem with this world, we all know what to do but we don't do it.
> 
> The truth lies inside our own head's and inside our own hearts but most people refuse to listen to there own conscious and that is what leads to DP/DR, the refusal to listen to the facts of life. Everyone needs to pay attention to what they already know.


You have a point. The only thing about dp i am thankful for is that it made me realize many unsavory things i was doing. I was blind to them before dp. I just went about my life not really questioning my actions. Now i constantly question them. The hard part is actually changing.

Sorry this has gotten extremely off topic.


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

Urbn I Don't think this really has went off topic. 
It has just went from a complaining thread to a helpful thread. 
At least thats my view.

Now that I am comming out the other end of DP/DR I am now starting to feel thankful for it because if I would have not been humbled as I have been, I know I would have never found my God.

DP/DR should be looked at as a learning experience but if we choose to never learn our lessons then we will never stop haveing DP/DR.

If we don't all realize that the answer to our problems is not sex or a mate, but if we realize that the answer is in ourselves then we will be cured, and then we will be able to find our mate and start haveing massive sex. I know that when I get married I will be makeing love to my wife at least 5 times a day for the first 5 or 10 years. Thank you DP/DR.


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

Very wise and quite uplifting post lostone.

I did become somewhat religous since i have had dp. I'm not really sure where i'm at with that, I'm not sure what to believe. It has made my mind much more moral and value centered.



> DP/DR should be looked at as a learning experience but if we choose to never learn our lessons then we will never stop haveing DP/DR.


I agree, although to many it just seems be a horrible disease. I do think the key to curing dp is to actually resolve all of the terrible things dp reveals to us. It is hard not to just be depressed and anxious about these things, but if you can break this cycle your life will be even better than before. Dp seems to take away all the comfort we receive from empty indulgences. It takes away all the pleasure we get from pointless distractions we occupy our life with. Its almost kind of a reset button or troubleshooting mode to our mind. I hope to lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life from what i have learned. Its f*cking hard to want to anything though....

The DR is harder. Society makes me sick sometimes and i feel sick being a part of it. I'm trying to think what to do about that. Maybe become part of some positive causes...

I'm not sure any of that makes sense, maybe its a big crock a sheet. I have no idea...


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

> Dp seems to take away all the comfort we receive from empty indulgences. It takes away all the pleasure we get from pointless distractions we occupy our life with.


Exactly!

I used to sit and watch porn with DP/DR and I would just think what is this??? Why do I feel the desire to do this??? Because simply it means reproduction, but I shouldn't be reproduceing with my hand! And neither should I reproduce with someone that I am not fully committed to. Why should I make my life all about sex? How come just after sex I always feel so bad? The answer is that Sex is not the answer!

You have to fix yourself first before you can enjoy anything the way you should be able to enjoy it, this includes sex!

The reason that we don't feel plesure like everyone else is because we are being tought a lessen, but as I said before, if we never learn our lessons then we will never stop being tought our lessons unless we die.

We must face the facts about what is bothering us.


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## Mollusk (Nov 12, 2005)

This should be a whole new topic. This has gone a long way from being too nervous to approach possible love interests.

I would like to talk about this more though.


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

LOSTONE said:


> Don't tell yourself that Sex is nessacry because if you do, you are just giveing sex way to much power over your life.


Don't put the pu$$y on a pedestal, in other words.


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

Not only am I the King of the doubleyourdating.com club for men, I'm also a client. jk, I don't have any business affiliation.

The newsletter does have some good exercises for dating/social anxiety, and I think it pays well in life to research and practice for improvement in the social skills area, which few people do. There are a surprising number of books and seminars on basic social skills. For example a local community college has seminars on how to develop a stylish image, for social and business success. Voice coaches can also do a lot for many people. These kinds of things help tremendously in many areas because among other reasons life is so fast paced today, that there often isn't much time to stand out from the crowd and connect with people, whatever the occasion or reason.

Julie, your dating concerns are widespread, and the dd site and others are training a new breed of young daters that don't do the same old same old. The whole philosophy is just like you said, the 'put on a polite show until peeled away' deal is BS. The idea is to practice Not putting on a polite show, practice some anti insecurity and pro fun strategies, throw your fun self out there, and date around a lot. Guys show insecurity by bragging, because they dont know how to support themselves from within and how to create attraction by being 'cocky AND funny.' It does take time to get to know someone, but why date 1 person for a month while peeling away the onion of politness? It's better to go on 8 pure fun dates with different people and select 1 or 2 for the next round of dating. And then only see them once a week for a couple months while you get to know them. 8 minute dating goes along with that idea also.

I had those exact same thoughts on my own worth word for word. In person support groups, practicing being social at church and political meetings, and '10 days to self esteem' helped me in that area. These experiences over time helped replace those thoughts with automatic Identity based positive expectations based on experience and doing the book exercises for a positive self image. There was also a lot of social-emotional skills learning that I'm still working on. Skills like not mind reading, assertivness, and bump in the road tolerance. For A good amount of the time, I can know walk up to someone new at a meeting, feel good about talking to a new and potentialy interesting person, and not think bad things about myself if the experience doesn't go the way I expect or want it to. I'v learned to sustain my own positive self image and 
stand there feeling OK about myself by myself regardless of what the other person does, at least a good portion of the time. This skill has also helped a lot on job interviews. A kind of unintuitive idea related to this is that good times and fun don't usually happen as desired support for neediness. With my DP related issues, fun times often happen as a kind of surprise. The way I see it now, lack of skills in supporting oneself from within can potentialy lead to anxiety in and during the unexpected, but it's worth learning this skill, because the unexpected is also were and how Fun happens.

M


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