# Guilt



## ChrisjonesG10 (Feb 23, 2017)

I don't feel good. I don't know how to feel good. Not pizza and beer with friends good; real, persistent, happiness. I thought I learned. I thought I learned how to feel good from a girl named Alyssa. Love feels good, or at least I thought. The desire for that kind of supportive relationship in your romantic life is an obstacle. The support is a crutch that not everyone wants to lean on. I've grown up with the best support network I know and now don't think I can experience real love. For as long as I live, I'll never be able to connect with the people in this world who've seen real pain (much as I'd like to be there for them). I'll only ever be sympathetic. Empathy seems to be what a real relationship is built on. Showing that you've been where they have and can relate to the pain. In empathy's place, I have guilt. A kind of guilt that consumes me. I'm one of the most privileged people you'll meet. I had an amazing childhood, I'm healthy, white, male, and mostly straight. No one wants to hear that person whine. I'm even a little mad at myself for writing this, but wondered if it'd help; who the fuck else cares about my problems. Anyway, no relationship or calling exists for any one person in this world, but people find a way to be happy. I can try to be there for the hurt people of the world and fail, or I can be with someone similarly privileged and feel the guilt of not deserving them. Not deserving that happiness. I can't be happy by myself, either. Being alone with my thoughts is torture. I don't like myself and never have. I looked for validation through others and now realize that I can't be enough for everyone. But being enough for people is what gave me purpose. There's nothing left. I want to kill myself. I put an unloaded gun to my head several times today and pulled the trigger. The real thing would not feel any different. There's even guilt in that. My family and friends would be scarred. They'd move on in time, but I don't want to hurt them via something selfish like that. Goes against everything I stand for.

I wanted this to be my suicide note. I wanted it so badly.


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## Guest (Feb 23, 2017)

Hi Chris.

I felt sad to read your message and that you are feeling this way. Guilt can be something that's very difficult and isn't always to do with anything we have done wrong. Being in a privileged position socially or economically doesn't always mean someone is well emotionally. There may be many things that have contributed to you feeling this way, but you can work through them in time.

Call someone, like a crisis line or a friend, and make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as you can. I am not pro or anti-meds but when things have gotten to this point there maybe something they can prescribe to help you through this bad patch, and then maybe you can see a therapist who can take you from there.

Don't give up.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

you acknowledge your privilege, and that is a powerful thing. I have a fair amount of privilege myself, and one thing I've learned from that is there's basically three things to do about it. 1, you use it for your own benefit. that one's pretty common, I wouldn't recommend it. 2, you feel bad for having it. this sounds like what you're doing right now, and while it's not as harmful to others as 1, it is harmful to you, which I don't want either. or 3, you can use it for the benefit of others. you're a white straight-passing dude, if you call someone out on something racist or sexist or homophobic, they may get pissy, but they'll hear you. even if they choose not to listen, they'll hear you. for example, I'm female-presenting, though I am white and straight-passing (although the idea of "straight-passing privilege is harmful too, but I'll get into that later). if you and I were both standing in a group of people, and someone made a really sexist joke. I could speak up, but I would be laughed off. or you could speak up, and they at least won't tell it again while we're standing there.

I know this is just a small part of what's bothering you, but it is something worth considering. simply having privilege does not make you a bad person, that is something given to you by virtue of certain traits you exhibit in a society that values those traits. choosing to use it only for yourself makes you a bad person, but it sounds like you don't want to do that. and having privilege doesn't mean you're not allowed to express discomfort or pain, and doesn't mean your life is automatically perfect and you're just "ungrateful" if it's still not right for you.

and generally, healthy people don't want to die. just a hint, there. physical health and mental health are equally important. you're hurting, and you're allowed to be hurting. no one wants you to be hurting, but that doesn't mean it's not allowed, just means it's something we want to help you through so you can feel better. because you being happy makes others happy.

you can message me anytime, although it may take up to 12 hours for me to respond. (I tell people that so they're less likely to panic when I can't reply right away.)


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