# I cried for the first time in 20 years today



## shattered memories (Jul 19, 2012)

Men dont cry...but I couldnt hold it back anymore. It's all too much. The DP/Depression fog just wouldnt let up today. I felt so lightheaded and disconnected it was almost unbearable sorry if this goes incoherent at times...i keep stopping to wipe away tears.

Its such a fucking uphill battle for me right now. I can deal with the anxiety. I can deal with the depression. I can deal with DPDR. What I CANT deal with is all three fucking with me all day while ive only been running with an average of four hours of sleep a day this month. How can I be motivated to recover from DP if im so Depressed? How can I calm Anxiety while running on fumes and odd sensations and pains laughing at me? It just all feeds together to form a soul crushing synergetic explosive mind fuck.

As I stated in my other post, I ended up going to the urgent care clinic today because I couldnt deal with not being able to sleep more than 4 hours everyday. She prescribed clonazepam (which I havent taken yet) though she admitted i was depressed. I shouldve pushed her to give me SSRI instead since my anxiety is not as bad as the other two symptoms. Regardless I felt optimistic leaving the place.

Two things triggered me today. I was reading the forum just to see how peoples' experience with clonazepam went. First it was reassuring how most people responded BUT then I saw a whole bunch of other people saying stuff like "OH WERE FUCKED" "I've had this for 40 years...only a small percentage of people ever recover". And I was like wow I did not need to see that. I felt so horrible.

Then I started thinking about my baby sister...one of the very few people in this world who made me truly happy. I dont have any kids of my own nor do I plan on so she was always my little ray of light. Now that I have this horrible affliction I'll never be able to connect to her again and it just kills me inside. Shes growing up so fast and Ill miss all those little milestone moments. I thought about hopeless everything is and I just fucking lost it.

I'm 30 and I've never felt true love. All the guys I ever met used me and moved on. And now even if I met the right person what would it matter? I had hopes and dreams. I wanted to go to law school...I wanted to see the world...I wanted to have three-way with an Englishman and a Russian...but now Im here in this black hole. I think about just ending it all but keep reminding myself wtf is the point. Im already dead. I died one month ago and am stuck in purgatory. At least here I have people who care about me and I can TRY to make the best of things.

Um if you read this far...congratulations and more importantly, thank you. If you seen some of my posts you know I try to keep a positive attitude and im not doing this for attention or to be emo. Today was just too much...and after bawling like a little girl and writing all this down i feel (marginally) better. I also would like to thank the community here in general. The founders of this site. The only people who can relate to what Im going though. I applaud and admire everyone here who has suffered (or recovered) with this yet still have the emotional fortitude to maintain a positive attitude and inspires others. You are the ones who give me hope in the darkest hour. You truly do







I could only hope that one day I can look back at this post and see how foolish I was.


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## onlygirlintheworld (Jul 3, 2012)

Aww I wish there was something I could do to make u feel better







there isn't but just know that things can get better if you're on the right medication an have support from people







x


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## Depersonal Eyes (Oct 10, 2011)

Everyone cries and I think it is probably a good release. At least you are feeling true feelings and not stuck in some emotion-less void. It took me awhile to be able to cry and now it is something I do quite well, I must say









As long as you are not crying not-stop for absolutely no reason, I mean. I'm no doctor, obviously.

Anyways, congratulations! I felt the same way about my two younger sisters. Luckily I get to spend time with them now and will take advantage of that as much as possible. I want to be an older sister that they can look up to ... they saw me at some pretty low times!

I think the small percentage of people who recover are the people who make up their minds that they can and will fight this and they make the commitment to get better for themselves. You deserve to feel better and you deserve to be happy! I bet you can feel better, it just takes the effort.

I hope that you can find hope! Lots and lots of hope.








carolyn


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Welcome to hell buddy! Where all your nightmares come true! Anyway, at least you made it to 30.

And you've only had DP for a month?? not so bad my friend. I'm going on two years and I feel worse than ever!

Embrace this situation as a time to build some character.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Welcome to hell buddy! Where all your nightmares come true! Anyway, at least you made it to 30.

And you've only had DP for a month?? not so bad my friend. I'm going on two years and I feel worse than ever!

Embrace this situation as a time to build some character.


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## Guest (Jul 22, 2012)

who the fuck said men dont cry? gotta let it out sometimes. repressed shit is bad.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

dont listen to the negative nancys i would say at least 95 percnt of people with dp recover soooner or latr. just read the offjcal prognosis most people recover completly. butits not a cake walk and can really try a mans soul


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## Guest (Jul 22, 2012)

and what? thats not true at all, in fact ive seen alot of people recovering this year and the recovery rate for dp/dr is high....and also remember the people that recover dont come back here....lol. small percentage my ass


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## aulds (Jun 5, 2012)

nothing better when manly tears are shed, watched this commercial the other day and cried, feelsgoodman.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Men do cry and it's a huge relief, and it's perfectly understandable that we go down when we're like this, as for Clonazepam I used to take it along with another million meds and it worked pretty good, yet I hate medication... still taking Clonazepam when I feel like I'm extremely anxious because it's the only benzo that has somewhat helped.


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## shattered memories (Jul 19, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the encouragement, it really does mean a lot to me







You guys are awesome.

And yeah...I know its a bad attitude about men not crying but it was just the way I was raised. It felt really good to let it all out. It built up for so long and yesterday was the final straw. The clonazepam did help me sleep better...actually was able to go seven hours today but the excessive dreaming is still there.

Phoenix, I cant say I blame you for the way you feel. I dont take any offense to your comment and I sincerely do hope you get better one day. You are correct about character building too. I used to sweat the small stuff, I used to be petty, selfish and at times spiteful. I considered an impacted wisdom tooth as "suffering." No more. 
My values have shifted for the better because of this.


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## Question-Everything (Jun 30, 2012)

Yeah dp gets tough sometimes. I personally lerned to live with it and I'm almost numb to it in a way. It's something I've developed over 5 years of having it. I feel the same way I remember when everything was really hard and sometimes it still is but Im only 16 and I've got lots to lern and to do. Hold on and stay strong things can allways be better









And I feel the same way about the dp comunity, without all you guys I'm not sure where I'd be at in my recovery maybe worse off.


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