# Hello, new and definately messed up.



## MikeJuvi07 (Oct 5, 2009)

Hi everyone! It's such a relief to finally find a forum full of people like myself who are experiencing the same effects I have for the past two years.
I used to do a lot of drugs and I'm sure my HPPD and DR is linked to the mushrooms I used to ingest. I now realize that this disorder is a very very rare illness that very few people have to deal with but those who do are in a world of hurt and have probably seeked help for a long period of time untill they found some relief from passing by this forum. I thought I was the only one in the world who had this disorder untill I found out it was indeed a disorder.
There is a type of grainy static in my vision, everything has fuzzy edges, communication skills have diminished, I suffer from brain fog all the time, my perception of time has diminished, nothing seems real, I never feel like I'm at where I'm supposed to be at. I always feel like I'm out-of-body, the walls still breathe as if I'm still tripping, I see patterns on the walls, ground, sky, and I still see trails when I move my hand in front of my face. And I have been fighting to ignore it for the past 2 years and have seriously considered suicide from time to time.
I'm going to a therapist tommoro to tell her my symptons and that I do indeed have a disorder and see what she has to say.

I just wanted to share my joy and excitment of finally finding someone who is experiencing the same factors I am and hopes to find a cure as much as I do. =]


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

MikeJuvi07 said:


> Hi everyone! It's such a relief to finally find a forum full of people like myself who are experiencing the same effects I have for the past two years.
> I used to do a lot of drugs and I'm sure my HPPD and DR is linked to the mushrooms I used to ingest. I now realize that this disorder is a very very rare illness that very few people have to deal with but those who do are in a world of hurt and have probably seeked help for a long period of time untill they found some relief from passing by this forum. I thought I was the only one in the world who had this disorder untill I found out it was indeed a disorder.
> There is a type of grainy static in my vision, everything has fuzzy edges, communication skills have diminished, I suffer from brain fog all the time, my perception of time has diminished, nothing seems real, I never feel like I'm at where I'm supposed to be at. I always feel like I'm out-of-body, the walls still breathe as if I'm still tripping, I see patterns on the walls, ground, sky, and I still see trails when I move my hand in front of my face. And I have been fighting to ignore it for the past 2 years and have seriously considered suicide from time to time.
> I'm going to a therapist tommoro to tell her my symptons and that I do indeed have a disorder and see what she has to say.
> ...


Hey, man, welcome to the forum. Your story sounds eerily like mine. I spent the last three months of my freshman year in college eating every psychedelic I could get my hands on: LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, Hawaiian baby woodrose (_Argyreia nervosa_) seeds. Then there were copious amounts of dextroamphetamine, marijuana, alcohol, salvia, opiate pain-killers, you name it. Every time I tripped I'd still feel absolutely insane for about a week, and every trip would get more intense. My last trip was on June 1, 2008. Weird things started happening after that. Cars looked plastic, movement looked strange. I saw trails and halos, negative images, visual snow (especially when looking at the sky), static movement (things that were still seemed to move, but in dimensions that I hadn't perceived before taking psychedelics), and certain patterns would jump out at me. Everything looked somehow artificial. I was sure that one of two things had happened: I had finally reached some sort of enlightened state--like I was being prepared for something--OR I was loosing my fuucking mind. Although my thinking was becoming less and less rational (I suffered the almost constant delusion that I was the only person that existed, even when having sex with my girlfriend of a year), I figured the "insane" theory was far more likely, so I did some research and, almost immediately stumbled across the term "depersonalization" and "hallucinogen persisting perceptual disorder." Well, that sounded like me. I told my parents I was having panic attacks (half true) and got myself an appointment with a psychiatrist. He told me that what I was experiencing was a drug effect and, although it would take time and cognitive adjustment, I would probably recover. I was skeptical, half because I found it quite possible that he was a figment of my imagination, and half because I knew I was on the verge of loosing my sh!t. Well, the summer was hard, and so was sophomore year, but he was right. I was prescribed .5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin) daily, which turned into biweekly, which turned into "as needed," and I learned to not follow those trains of thought that lead down dark roads to dark places. I also abstained from psychedelics and marijuana; that was definitely key. Being a college student, I couldn't give up drinking (thought I kept it to once a week), and I took Adderall (without a prescription) when work got overwhelming, but I eventually figured shit out. I think a lot of it also had to do with gaining an acceptance of the psychedelic experiences I had; the philosophical questions are unanswerable, but meditation and soul-searching can help. Now I'm feeling 98% normal. I still have my off days--things will seem a little too fake and certain patterns will seem to move--and I still avoid hallucinogens and marijuana like the fuucking plague, but DP/DR really doesn't bother me. If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to personal message me.

-Ryan


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

MikeJuvi07 said:


> Hi everyone! It's such a relief to finally find a forum full of people like myself who are experiencing the same effects I have for the past two years.
> I used to do a lot of drugs and I'm sure my HPPD and DR is linked to the mushrooms I used to ingest. I now realize that this disorder is a very very rare illness that very few people have to deal with but those who do are in a world of hurt and have probably seeked help for a long period of time untill they found some relief from passing by this forum. I thought I was the only one in the world who had this disorder untill I found out it was indeed a disorder.
> There is a type of grainy static in my vision, everything has fuzzy edges, communication skills have diminished, I suffer from brain fog all the time, my perception of time has diminished, nothing seems real, I never feel like I'm at where I'm supposed to be at. I always feel like I'm out-of-body, the walls still breathe as if I'm still tripping, I see patterns on the walls, ground, sky, and I still see trails when I move my hand in front of my face. And I have been fighting to ignore it for the past 2 years and have seriously considered suicide from time to time.
> I'm going to a therapist tommoro to tell her my symptons and that I do indeed have a disorder and see what she has to say.
> ...


Hey, man, welcome to the forum. Your story sounds eerily like mine. I spent the last three months of my freshman year in college eating every psychedelic I could get my hands on: LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, Hawaiian baby woodrose (_Argyreia nervosa_) seeds. Then there were copious amounts of dextroamphetamine, marijuana, alcohol, salvia, opiate pain-killers, you name it. Every time I tripped I'd still feel absolutely insane for about a week, and every trip would get more intense. My last trip was on June 1, 2008. Weird things started happening after that. Cars looked plastic, movement looked strange. I saw trails and halos, negative images, visual snow (especially when looking at the sky), static movement (things that were still seemed to move, but in dimensions that I hadn't perceived before taking psychedelics), and certain patterns would jump out at me. Everything looked somehow artificial. I was sure that one of two things had happened: I had finally reached some sort of enlightened state--like I was being prepared for something--OR I was loosing my fuucking mind. Although my thinking was becoming less and less rational (I suffered the almost constant delusion that I was the only person that existed, even when having sex with my girlfriend of a year), I figured the "insane" theory was far more likely, so I did some research and, almost immediately stumbled across the term "depersonalization" and "hallucinogen persisting perceptual disorder." Well, that sounded like me. I told my parents I was having panic attacks (half true) and got myself an appointment with a psychiatrist. He told me that what I was experiencing was a drug effect and, although it would take time and cognitive adjustment, I would probably recover. I was skeptical, half because I found it quite possible that he was a figment of my imagination, and half because I knew I was on the verge of loosing my sh!t. Well, the summer was hard, and so was sophomore year, but he was right. I was prescribed .5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin) daily, which turned into biweekly, which turned into "as needed," and I learned to not follow those trains of thought that lead down dark roads to dark places. I also abstained from psychedelics and marijuana; that was definitely key. Being a college student, I couldn't give up drinking (thought I kept it to once a week), and I took Adderall (without a prescription) when work got overwhelming, but I eventually figured shit out. I think a lot of it also had to do with gaining an acceptance of the psychedelic experiences I had; the philosophical questions are unanswerable, but meditation and soul-searching can help. Now I'm feeling 98% normal. I still have my off days--things will seem a little too fake and certain patterns will seem to move--and I still avoid hallucinogens and marijuana like the fuucking plague, but DP/DR really doesn't bother me. If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to personal message me.

-Ryan


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## Jayreal (Sep 21, 2009)

welcome good sir. you mention patterns. have you ever seen little snowlike lights in the air moving in random directions. also an intense sense of light as if things seem to glow? just wondering. cause latley my senses have been going into overdrive


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## MikeJuvi07 (Oct 5, 2009)

hey guys, thanks for the welcome. Ryan, thats quite a story you got, and yes a lot like mine, I don't think I did as many hallucinogens as you have but all of your effects still are very much if not spot on alike. I have reached the point where it is controlable to where-as I won't freak out that much anymore about my new altered mental state it seems I HAVE to accept. But I still want to seek help and try to become like you said; 98% normal. I went to a therapist today and told her I am 100% positive I have a derealization disorder and HPPD and I want to seek medical attention and she directed me to a phsyciatrist on another post (I am military) that may beable to help me and I am making an appointment tommoro. So hopefully I too can get diagnosed and prescribed some type of medication to help me cope with this illness or at least somewhat cure me.

And Jayreal, yes I do! The best i can see these "snowflake" like things is when I stare in the sky for some reason. Mine move very fast and in a figure-eight like motion and it almost can be mistaken for air molecules, but I never remember seeing them so clearly before I did any hallucinogens. And for patterns, I don't see so much as I used to anymore. But if I stare at a white wall or something, every little dent in the wall will somehow connect to each other and form some kind of pattern and then it will seem as if I have tunnel vision and everything around the pattern I see will go blury. Familiar at all?
And yes like is very sensitive to me. For example if I accidentaly look at a very bright light i will see the aftereffect of that light in my vison for maybe 20 min sometimes? And Yeah llights seem to glow. As if I was under the influence.


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## Jayreal (Sep 21, 2009)

believe what you will from this your under no obligation to believe what i'm about to say. via my research iv tested and dabled with some weed, only in a small controlled dose. from what i have found. its as if i can mimic the mind of a schizophrenic or some one with 'abnormal' mental states. now these mimic states are only temporary and its as if im drowning if i stay in it to long. durring these tests iv had a note book by my side documenting what i see. now the funny thing is after a few days its as if i go back to 'normal!?' when i read over these notes i investigate with a logical mind ("the normal mind")first of all the notes look like complete nonsense, and after some research all i can say is it's quite surprisingly real. 
(there is an awful lot we choose to dissregard as true.)
if any of this makes the slightest bit of sense you will understand. remember your not alone


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

Jayreal said:


> believe what you will from this your under no obligation to believe what i'm about to say. via my research iv tested and dabled with some weed, only in a small controlled dose. from what i have found. its as if i can mimic the mind of a schizophrenic or some one with 'abnormal' mental states. now these mimic states are only temporary and its as if im drowning if i stay in it to long. durring these tests iv had a note book by my side documenting what i see. now the funny thing is after a few days its as if i go back to 'normal!?' when i read over these notes i investigate with a logical mind ("the normal mind")first of all the notes look like complete nonsense, and after some research all i can say is it's quite surprisingly real.
> (there is an awful lot we choose to dissregard as true.)
> if any of this makes the slightest bit of sense you will understand. remember your not alone


So...you've discovered that drugs can induce disorganized thought and that logic isn't necessarily rational?


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## backagain (Aug 8, 2009)

Jayreal said:


> believe what you will from this your under no obligation to believe what i'm about to say. via my research iv tested and dabled with some weed, only in a small controlled dose. from what i have found. its as if i can mimic the mind of a schizophrenic or some one with 'abnormal' mental states. now these mimic states are only temporary and its as if im drowning if i stay in it to long. durring these tests iv had a note book by my side documenting what i see. now the funny thing is after a few days its as if i go back to 'normal!?' when i read over these notes i investigate with a logical mind ("the normal mind")first of all the notes look like complete nonsense, and after some research all i can say is it's quite surprisingly real.
> (there is an awful lot we choose to dissregard as true.)
> if any of this makes the slightest bit of sense you will understand. remember your not alone


Yes not everyone can take psychedelics and accept their experiences especially when psychedelics show them a part of reality that they don't want to venture in. Where they have preconceived notions of what the world is supposed to be their mind can't make sense of what it's experiencing in relation to a ego driven externally conditioned mind. People flip out instead of accepting it.

Shrooms acid and weed aren't just for kicks they show you parts of reality that are chaotic in nature. Chaos is the opposite of order. Like I said some people just aren't biochemically set for a psychedelic experience. I myself choose to smoke marijuana, when you just chill and allow it to become your guide rather than trying to control every aspect of thought it will be your friend. If you go panicking and trying to stop everything by closing yourself off from those thoughts then it's gonna be your worst enemy. That may not necessarily be that person's fault, it's just the brain chemistry. Btw I got dp/dr after smoking weed but I don't blame weed, weed is just weed. It was my brain chemistry that did it to me not the weed.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

Ryan, you seem to be following the same pattern that i did so i just wanted to give a few helpful tips. I haven't done any psychedelic drugs since my sophmore year of highschool (was 16 then am 24 now). Needless to say, 8 years passed before i got dp however i still feel there is a connection to the drug past. I had a form of dissociation for a while shortly after doing the drugs (i was 18 i believe) and it lasted somewhere between 6 and 8 months. However i had bits of dr and "weird feelings" like you described. I became a hardcore alcoholic in college and when i got out dp hit me about 4 months later. I blame this primarily on alcohol and uppers so i just wanted to say, if your gonna do adderall don't take it overboard and same with drinking because maybe it could have a similar effect if used too much. just a thoughts as your progression sounded similar to mine at your age.

Michael.


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## Jayreal (Sep 21, 2009)

one last thing. what if that is reality? but we/i see past the lies driven from society (the mr 'im gunna work 9-5 and just accept im a slave to the order') and advertising ha dont get me started. i know that one's a mass mind control device i studied it for 5 years. 
i dont know what to do? forget all i learnt? abandon my insights? pretend nothing ever happened and go on living like the rest of them. or... try to learn more and not fear the truth. i suppose the best thing to do is have a balance. 
sorry if this sounds abit crazy im kinda in a middle ground.


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

Jayreal said:


> one last thing. what if that is reality? but we/i see past the lies driven from society (the mr 'im gunna work 9-5 and just accept im a slave to the order') and advertising ha dont get me started. i know that one's a mass mind control device i studied it for 5 years.
> i dont know what to do? forget all i learnt? abandon my insights? pretend nothing ever happened and go on living like the rest of them. or... try to learn more and not fear the truth. i suppose the best thing to do is have a balance.
> sorry if this sounds abit crazy im kinda in a middle ground.


Oh, man, you sound like me. I can't give you an all or nothing, absolute answer. There is no absolute reality, but having been where you were, and having struggled with the DP/DR, I can tell you this: the world on acid is not reality. It's _a_ reality. One of many _possible_ states of being, but the reality that we lived in before ingesting powerful mind-expanding drugs is "reality," or at least the reality that you want to come back to. The psychedelic world is an attractive one, and you probably had insights and epiphanies that feel more real than anything you ever felt before. And you probably discovered that this world is an illusion. But step back for a second and ask yourself, "Why would the world I see when I eat a hallucinogen be more real than the sober world?" Logic works differently when you're high. Everything becomes more relative and abstract, meaning is everwhere, but it's a _drug_. That's it. An hallucination.

So, does that mean everything that happened under the influence of said drug was bullshit? No. It means you have to sift through all of it, figure out what sort of spiritual stuff you can bring back to this world (without feeling like you're losing it), and anything you can't bring back, throw out. I had the same problems you did--I was almost reluctant to call acid a "drug." To me it was more like the answer. But there's no enlightenment in drugs, just the feeling of enlightenment, and while you could argue that those are one and the same, I guarantee you Buddha was not in existential crisis; he was completely at peace with himself. You might have to lose yourself to find yourself, but once you've lost yourself you still have to find yourself. DP is that middle ground. Good luck.


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## edward_morden (Oct 12, 2009)

egodeath said:


> Jayreal said:
> 
> 
> > one last thing. what if that is reality? but we/i see past the lies driven from society (the mr 'im gunna work 9-5 and just accept im a slave to the order') and advertising ha dont get me started. i know that one's a mass mind control device i studied it for 5 years.
> ...


I have also experienced all these epiphanies during psychedelic experiences and I never accepted them as real or as something what should be aimed for. I thought its quite interesting and I could think about it. 
Only after my extreme meditation states where I experienced this psychedelic pure extreme bliss I now really believe in it and know its true. Its more direct while meditation and you dont loose all the connection to it.
Its just the best imaginable state and so extreme and perfect that it is again so simple and that what only can be. Its like its everything what can be thought of and beyond in one state of eternal perfection.
Like I wrote it in another thread... it feels like being home. Like being there where you should be and where you always where. 
I dont know.. probably you dont know what Im talking about but Im just wanna say its so damn beautiful and its everything what is. All this thoughts about reality and in which reality you are now and where you are while tripping are so meaningless cause there is no different state of being. There is just one thing. 
I feel a bit crazy about that I believe in that and its like the most veritable thing I could think about. Nothing seems as real as this. 
Even if im like crazy, shizophrenic, delusioned or just simply dumb or whatever its okay cause if this state.. this pure state of perfection.. is that what I will get.. or can achieve.. then Im really happy 
While being in this state there are no questions cause its just so perfect and beautiful and all what could be. It so simple. There is nothing to miss or to look for. Everything is there. In just one thing. Like in a flow of bliss.

Still I feel like I now dont have it and I have to achieve to get to this state again although it doesnt make sense right now. I know that I have it already but it seems that I cant see it or whatever and Im just confused about what to do. Or rather I know that "I" dont exist and then nobody exist and so your thought that you are the only one that exist isnt so wrong cause there really nobody who exists. Everything is. Logic says that science says that... its just the only possible way and the best one. Everything else would be not possible. 
besides I always get anxious cause I think that its crazy to believe in that and I dont want it and its not real and whatever although I 100% know for sure it is.


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## Jayreal (Sep 21, 2009)

hey it dont matter if you think what your write is crazy we are all in this together. any one who says "your mental mate you need to take a grip of your self" they're the ones that dont want to help. this should be a site for freedom of expression. infact we should all open up to what we feel maybe thats the only way we can help each other.

if society wont help us understand then maybe 'we' can make the difference


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