# Suz... My journal.



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Today (or maybe yesterday really; it's 1:55am) I have been totally 'in my head'. I had a brief moment where I connected with 'the body' when I had a stomach cramp, but that was all.

*sigh*


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Today I went to the pub with a few friends (no alcohol *sigh*), I was there for nearly 2 hours before I realised that I hadn't felt DP/R'd since I walked in.

The odd things is; I've become so used to being in this state that when I looked back at the time I'd spent feeling 'normal', it almost felt as if I had been dreaming THEN. Bah. Has reality slipped?

I doubt it, I just have to keep the focus on what normality really is...

I socialise like this rarely, but if this is the effect it's going to have on me then I shall do it more.

I feel good for today, a lot of it has been nice. A strange day though :?

8) Keep Trucking.


----------



## Guest (Jun 23, 2007)

Hey suz, 
I get the same thing. Because I don't have DP all the time when it stops I never feel the change, I just notice that I feel normal again 

Greg


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

This is the first time that I have felt 'normal' properly in about 4 months, so it was pretty bizarre.

I wanted to tell my boyfriend, but I was scared that if I said anything the feeling would go away. It did very shortly after I became aware of it anyway.

It proved to me that I'm capable of reality still though, a massive boost.

:mrgreen:


----------



## Guest (Jun 23, 2007)

What do you think it was, sheer distraction.
I just kind of forget I have it.

Greg


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I think it was just being around a group of people that don't remind me in any way of my dp. There was my boyfriend and best friend; but then there were two others that I'm not particularly close with. We get along well but I don't know them well.

So yes, probably distraction, although my mum has been doing some reiki distance healing for me too, so maybe that is helping more than I realised...

Whatever it was; I'm grateful for the time I had, but now I want it back permanently!


----------



## Guest (Jun 23, 2007)

You will get it back suz :wink:

Greg


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I WILL

Positive all the way...

Thanks Greg : )


----------



## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

suz said:


> This is the first time that I have felt 'normal' properly in about 4 months, so it was pretty bizarre.


 It felt really strange to me as well when my dp/dr and brain fog disappeared after having it basically all my life. There where a few brief moments during my life when i didnt have it but these where pretty rare.

It actually felt abnormal not to have it when i was cured of it over a year ago. It took a few days to get used to not having dp/dr and brain fog. Before i got better my derealization and brain fog had been so bad that i felt like i was a robot or something. To go from that to not having any symptoms at all in such a short amount of time was abit of a shock.

Suz im sure that some day you will get better and you will get used to feeling "normal".


----------



## Heartbeats (May 23, 2006)

I'm happy for you. 

To have my first flash of reality it took almost 5 months to me...and then they turned to appear more frequently. It's a good sign, I think.

It happened to me many times, for example the next day of a gig, in the end of a particularly good movie, with my friends, in the car at night. I just know that when it happens I'm fine with myself. Probably it has nothing to do with particular events, it's related with what those events can make for us.

8) We're on our way.


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Today I started at my new job; only they've messed up and I have barely and patients booked in. Lot's of 'free mind' time... I've totally over-done the thinking for today *sigh*

_I feel like a suitcase on a carousel at the airport, I keep going round at round and no one is there to pick me up. I feel slightly afraid that I will end up in Unclaimed Baggage..._

I'm not sure if I stole that from somewhere, it sounds vaguely familiar, but maybe that's because I thought it over and over again today.

I'd love to get back on some OCD meds, maybe there is something natural to help with this... I'd visit an OCD forum; but I'd just be gaining another obsession.

Roll on tomorrow :roll:


----------



## Guest (Jun 25, 2007)

Well it could have been a hard stressful start for you Suz... although it was a nice steady day for you... so go with the flow =) )hugs(.


----------



## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

soon you'll probably be longing for a less busy day.
maybe you said before but what kind of work is it?


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I'm a low-end nursey type thing at a Doctor's surgery. It's not bad work really, I get to talk to lots of people, old folk mostly, they tend to be lovely.

And I get to stab people too; always a bonus :mrgreen:

It doesn't sound like I'll ever be busy here, I'm going to have to sort everyone out and get them organised. I WANT PATIENTS!!

Booked on a reflexology course too, I'll soon be able to branch out on my own... think I'll do Indian Head Massage next.


----------



## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

:lol: ok suz.... put the knife down and it'll all be ok...

It sounds like nice work actually. I'm sure you'll get some patients soon 
although that massage thing sounds wrong.


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I'm feeling a little odd today. Went for my assesment appointment with the mental health team this morning. My anxiety levels were through the roof while I waited for my name to be called, it didn't help that I was sitting under flourescent lights.

The lady I saw gave me some hope, and a few ways to cope; it wasn't a 'session' so much as a 'let's decide where to haul you off to' type thing. But she has said that CBT may well benefit me, and gave me a few things to try when my thoughts get out of control. Intrusive thoughts is her main diagnosis, I could have told her that months ago *sigh*

On the good side; I can go on Prozac, apparently this is ok in pregnancy... I feel pretty relieved that I can still have a medication to be honest... I don't care about insomnia... I just want a break from this constant terror.

Jeez, how can I call it that? 'Constant terror'?! I seem so calm, but I'm always so scared. It's almost as if I'm making it up now, but I know it's just that I've become desensitised to the panic.

Can you really have terror without panic? :idea:


----------



## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

yes suz, I believe we can, I think we just get used to it in a weird sort of way. We feel the anxiety but after a while you begin to recognize it and avoid the panic.

BB


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

We have superpowers... it's the only possible explanation :lol:

I just got home from work to find a letter from Natwest; they have offered me ?1721.31 to settle a complaint I made about charges made to my accound. They refuse to accept liability or error and call it only a 'goodwill gesture' but that will do for me. W.I.N.N.E.R :mrgreen:

If anyone has had any charges made against their account then get a claim in, and do it now because you can guarantee they'll bring in some fancy legislation soon enough. It costs nothing. Just got to the Daily Mail website.

I love you Daily Mail, oh yes I doooo-oo *dances the merry jig*


----------



## Guest (Jun 28, 2007)

Everyone, its suz's shout :lol:

I will have a bourbon thanks suz, cheers

Greg


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

*cheers* hehe.

I bought a juicer today whilst I was at the chemist, I'm a bugger for impulse buying and must... must... use this. Healthy will heal (repeat 10 times).

I'm feeling really positive after my appointment yesterday, the woman I saw infuriated me; asking question after question, but I know it was only because she was trying to figure me out. And even though she was so infuriating, I kind of liked her. I sense a few 'heated discussions' in the near future though...


----------



## Guest (Jun 28, 2007)

May I be one of your patients please?


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> May I be one of your patients please?


You want me to stab you?! :lol:

I'm feeling really positive, I'm not sure if it was seeing the therapist, or if it was something that thinkingway2much said in another thread. But I feel like I might just be able to convince my mind to escape from this madness.

Especially with Prozac to help relieve me from some of the excessive thinking. Hope I'm not building myself up for a massive fall here *sigh*.

Went to the pub again last night, it was fun. I think it helps.


----------



## Guest (Jun 29, 2007)

Hummm... no... I would prefer to be the one doing the "poking"... :roll:


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I feel sick and my throat feels like it has been assaulted by a cheese grater! I don't want to be in work... I want to run away.

I joined a gym; did I say? Well I did. And I've been a few times, which is more than I did last time I joined one. I'm too unfit though, it's shameful. The instructors seem to expect me to be pretty fit because I don't carry much fat, if only they knew the effects that stress can have on a body.

*sigh*


----------



## Guest (Jul 9, 2007)

*)hugs your thoat with out choking you to death(* 

You might have over done it at the gym... :? tutt tutt


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

10 minutes on the cross-trainer is enough for me to over do it at the gym. It's nigh on impossible for me to not over it actually. I'm getting better though.

I think the sore throat might be from swallowing swimming pool water though, that seems to be when it started. Oh to think of all the wee circulating my system, scrumptious!


----------



## Guest (Jul 9, 2007)

The cross-trainer for me is like walking... I was once on there for 45 mins... I could go on all day... even while my heart rate is 160-170... it's quite a odd one because it doesn't make me all that tired... now if we were to speak of the rowing machine...  =That's a killer.

Nothing wrong with dwinking some good old dilute urine!... although with it being diluted, you won't get "all" the "goodness" outta it 

*Rises glass*... "CHeers" :shock: *pukes*


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I have had some good news, but I'm not sure if now is a good time to share it.

I'm massively afraid of jinxing things.

Started my reflexology course this weekend just gone; I'm totally over my fear of feet and I think this may well be my new career. In just a year I can be self-employed, that would make me so happy... exit from the rat-race... yes please.

Now I'm seriously considering sacking in the idea of a nursing degree completely and taking a degree in acupuncture instead, I'm so jaded by the NHS. I want to help people, not pen-push.


----------



## Guest (Jul 16, 2007)

Go for it... go go go .... do do do .... see how far you can goooooo!!!


----------



## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

yay!
I have no idea how HHS works but I'm sure you'll succeed whatever you choose to do because you're lovely.
good luck with the course!
(eww feets!) :lol:


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I feel... erm... 50% better.


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I am happy with my life, and suddenly I really feel that I'm healing from this. Maybe there is some truth in 'facing up to your fears' being the route to healing.

I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant again; after a miscarriage earlier this year I can tell you that it is pretty scary. Every niggle sets off a near-panic attack, but I'm finding that gradually it's getting easier, I'm calmer and actually believe that everything will be ok this time. Yes, I still get scared, but when I get scared I don't necessarily dissociate. That's not to say that I never do... but I think I suffer from derealisation less than half of what I was doing at this time last month, and it's getting less every day.

I'm just getting on with my life and trying my best to banish the thoughts, and for the first time in a long time, I think I'm winning.

*big grin*

Of course there are things I'd do differently. I desperately wish that I wasn't going to be an unmarried mother, I wish we had more privacy. But I'll accept things as they are for now.

You never know, if I'm ever lucky enough to have a ring on my finger, maybe I'll feel secure enough, and let go of this completely.


----------



## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Congratulations suz  I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.


----------



## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

Yes I must say I nearly feel off the chair when I read that  
Its great to hear you are feeling better.
And again, I big congratulations  
You will make a great mum :wink:

J xxx

P.S Don't mind my avatar, I really am happy for you>


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Thanks guys.

Still smiling


----------



## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Congrat's suz, that's great news :wink: 
Keep smiling 

BB


----------



## Guest (Jul 30, 2007)

On ya suz, go get em!
That is awesome news, good on ya :wink:

Greg


----------



## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

Wow! congrats suz!!!!

I hope and pray that you'll have the easiest pregnancy and that you'll keep getting better too.


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I love you all x x x


----------



## Guest (Aug 18, 2007)

Love you long time! :twisted:  heh.. )hugs(


----------



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Well, I've been away for a while, and I'll probably be away for a while again. I'm feeling so much better now and coming back here brings about the urge to dwell on my feelings again.

I can happily say that I often go half a day without even thinking about dp and dr. It's not every day but I'm happy enough with that for now. Beggars can't be choosers!

So; 6 months ago I was a totally chronic 24/7 sufferer, and now I'm a fully functioning, slightly retarded but happy with her brain kinda gal. There's hope for us all.

I'm not on any meds, I'm just happy with my life. And fat! hehe.

Still thinking of you all, if anyone ever wants a chat then email me. I miss lots and lots of you. Especially HalfaPerson, Pollyanna, Black Box, Layla and many more.

Big kisses from me X X X


----------



## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

I'm happy for you suz!!
I'm glad to hear that you're doing well 

hugs and kisses! xoxo!


----------



## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

Hello suz

It is good to hear from you, and to hear you are doing really well  
The fact that you can get through at least part of the day without thinking about DP/DR is fantastic, before you know it you will be getting through whole days and then weeks. The other thing is you will have a little suz to look after as well, that should keep your hands full 

I bet it is a good feeling to know you are getting through this without meds, I think it gives us more confidence in our own ability to handle problems we may have, ourselves and with the help of family and friends.
It is something I hope to be able to do in the future.



> I'm a fully functioning, slightly retarded but happy with her brain kinda gal. There's hope for us all.


 ...Too right.

Keep popping in suz to let us know how you are going.

Have you thought of any names yet? Polly sounds good :mrgreen:

3098 J. xxx


----------



## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi suz, Good on ya for coming back to the site and posting positive energy :wink: 
Good on ya for doing it without meds.
And good on you for feeling good.
Good on me for saying good on ya repeatedly 

BB


----------



## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Really glad your feeling better suz and i hope you continue to feel better.

Best of luck and all.


----------

