# Feeling trapped due to self awareness



## erufneriufneri (Jun 7, 2011)

Ever since DP kicked in for me, since May of this year, I've felt trapped within my own body and self.
I became aware of my own mind and thought process.

The way I used to feel was free somehow. I felt this lightness about me. My mind seemed to always be off in my own imagination and emotions. It's as though I've stepped outside of that and became aware of it.

It's like the "old" me was deep within my emotions. I let my imagination and emotions take control all the time and now I feel in control of them instead. It's very strange. Somehow if I try and go back to that self or will my brain to be that person again, I panic. It feels wrong somehow.. It's like this self awareness has made me fearful of the way my brain used to perceive and feel about reality. As if the old self / way of thinking is wrong.

My body used to feel lighter. Now it feels heavy due to the self awareness.

It's odd how the brain feels and interprets reality.


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## SolarWind (Dec 29, 2011)

I'm not quite understanding what you mean. Explain more pls


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

AaronPH said:


> Ever since DP kicked in for me, since May of this year, I've felt trapped within my own body and self.
> I became aware of my own mind and thought process.
> 
> The way I used to feel was free somehow. I felt this lightness about me. My mind seemed to always be off in my own imagination and emotions. It's as though I've stepped outside of that and became aware of it.
> ...


Well it's obvious then why you DP'd. Your mind interpreted the ''old you'' and the way you operated as a threat, and it detached itself from you entirely. I'm not sure what the right way would be to get it back to the way it was. Maybe gentle exposures as a start?

And I can definitely relate to the body feeling heavy thing. When I recovered briefly in April, my body felt so light...like I could move with such ease and fluidity. But now, it feels heavy and hard to move around. I think this has to do with the ''dp'' aspect and how we relate to our own bodies.


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## _Gottlieb_ (Nov 6, 2011)

Exactly how I feel. Thx... Always good to know that you're not the only one who feels this way.


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## jakethelittle (Jul 10, 2010)

That's basically what happened to me back in April of 2010. I noticed I had similar thought patterns as the ones you described, and noticing it didn't jive with the way the rest of the world worked, I lost my self, so to speak. I've slowly been getting myself back a bit. It's a lot of work, believe me, but you have to believe in yourself, that's whats important.


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## SSJ3Lotokun (Nov 21, 2011)

Pretty much how I've always felt. It's pretty overwhelming and claustrophobic sometimes.

A lot of the time I just wish I could dump my body and become a ghost or upload my consciousness digitally or something. Unfortunately this isn't feasible with current technology.

I've also considered going the other route and getting a chemical lobotomy. Just losing the "self" entirely and being just a body. I was seriously giving this consideration, but after becoming briefly repersonalized on vacation a few weeks ago I decided this probably wasn't what I wanted.

Ultimately the physical self and the consciousness need each other to survive, even when they feel separated. Just have to kind of live with that. I hope for the day they become "reunited" again (it was such a fascinating experience!)

I don't know what the answer is but hopefully you can find some relief.


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## erufneriufneri (Jun 7, 2011)

The "old" me would let my mind take over most of the time and go into these deep thoughts and deep emotions about the
world and part of me doesn't want that anymore.
It freaks me out now to think that I let my emotions be in control of me most of the time. That I was just a puppet to
my mind.

I've been an atheist since sept 2009.. i was a christian before that.. 
i started deeply thinking about the world and life etc..

part of me is afraid that the old me was some sort of schizo type personality because i would just sit there most of my
day and imagine things and dream up things and let my emotions go wild.

my parents are still christians and in may when i got dp (also around the time i got a panic attack), i started thinking
about my life more and more and about college and graduating and thinking things like "i'm gonna be alone forever" etc....
maybe that caused me to shut off that self mentally and dp happened..

but yeah. its scary to think that my mind used to be in control and not me...


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## erufneriufneri (Jun 7, 2011)

another thing i've noticed is as i sit here and type, my mind will start to do this automatic thinking by itself.
like its searching through a database of emotions, and images etc.

It's bizarre, i know..

But I've always been an obsessive thinker even before dp
i would wake up and think ok what can i think of / imagine / dream up today.

This self awareness basically makes you fear the way your mind works and makes me feel that there's something wrong with
the way my mind worked..

Also because of dp, it's like another personality has taken over for me. I used to be antisocial, now i'm afraid to be alone. I used to never talk to anyone about my feelings, I just felt them. etc.

It's like before dp, my mind was off in it's own world and i used to like that.
Now I hate it. it's like I was living in a fantasy version of reality or something and that's why i'm afraid of the old self..


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

A general mode of having more intense emotions is not an "obvious" cause of a dp disorder, it's more liekly something happened far before the dp. I had crazy emotions and felt too muh, but that doesn't usually just happen, I had trauma that causes that. The dp isn't directly from emotions like that


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

AaronPH said:


> Ever since DP kicked in for me, since May of this year, I've felt trapped within my own body and self.
> I became aware of my own mind and thought process.
> 
> The way I used to feel was free somehow. I felt this lightness about me. My mind seemed to always be off in my own imagination and emotions. It's as though I've stepped outside of that and became aware of it.
> ...


Great description! Yes, it is very odd. I think when most people envision their Self, they see their emotions and imagination. But our minds seem to have disidentified themselves from these processes and are consumed with understanding them rather than being a part of them. Very strange, unsettling... yet somehow oddly comforting as well.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

AaronPH said:


> another thing i've noticed is as i sit here and type, my mind will start to do this automatic thinking by itself.
> like its searching through a database of emotions, and images etc.
> 
> It's bizarre, i know..
> ...


You seem, kinda like me, to be suffering from a bit of off-and-on, low-grade schizophrenia... that is schizophrenia in regards to the original definition that posited a "split-mind" (split b/w thoughts and emotions) as the most essential characteristic. It's like you're extremely social, imaginative, emotional... or utterly rational, detached, and diffident. I tend to either feel all at once or not at all, to feel like i'm back to being my "self" or like some other person (and i'm not always sure which one is which)... it's really hard to get a firm grip on reality with all this happening in our minds.


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## _Gottlieb_ (Nov 6, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> You seem, kinda like me, to be suffering from a bit of off-and-on, low-grade schizophrenia... that is schizophrenia in regards to the original definition that posited a "split-mind" (split b/w thoughts and emotions) as the most essential characteristic. It's like you're extremely social, imaginative, emotional... or utterly rational, detached, and diffident. I tend to either feel all at once or not at all, to feel like i'm back to being my "self" or like some other person (and i'm not always sure which one is which)... it's really hard to get a firm grip on reality with all this happening in our minds.


Oh, you gotta be careful with words on here. Don't use the word schizophrenia. What you mean is multiple personality disorder.... but what he said has nothing to do with that. 
People with mpd can experience dp and dr. but there's much more to it.


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## sacredrealm (Mar 8, 2011)

_Gottlieb_ said:


> Oh, you gotta be careful with words on here. Don't use the word schizophrenia. What you mean is multiple personality disorder.... but what he said has nothing to do with that.
> People with mpd can experience dp and dr. but there's much more to it.


I wouldnt personally see schizophrenia as a "worse" word to use than MPD haha.

For me guess I identify more with the "low grade schizophrenia" idea described, weather it it really is that or not, than what I think MPD is. I don't have different completley seperate personalities exactly.

But I very much relate to the OP.

Its not nice. Does anyone experiene times when they feel fully back?

I actually felt most like myself AFTER panic attacks. (apart the first 1 hah. Thats what started it all). But since I haven't had an "attack" recently its as if Ie been "trapped" almost, atleast for now, and not every moment though.


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## _Gottlieb_ (Nov 6, 2011)

sacredrealm said:


> I wouldnt personally see schizophrenia as a "worse" word to use than MPD haha.
> 
> For me guess I identify more with the "low grade schizophrenia" idea described, weather it it really is that or not, than what I think MPD is. I don't have different completley seperate personalities exactly.
> 
> ...


But you do understand that Schizophrenia and MPD are totally(!) different things ???

The most important part with SZ is that you're no longer able to "know" what's real and what's in your head...
With MPD you don't have that... The "different" personalities of yours still see reality as it "really" is.


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## sacredrealm (Mar 8, 2011)

_Gottlieb_ said:


> But you do understand that Schizophrenia and MPD are totally(!) different things ???
> 
> The most important part with SZ is that you're no longer able to "know" what's real and what's in your head...
> With MPD you don't have that... The "different" personalities of yours still see reality as it "really" is.


Yeah I understand that of course! But was just saying I relate to his description of "low grade" schiz (weather its accurate or not) more than the idea of MPD.

Many people labeeld shizophrenic can tell whats "real" and not, there are different levels of it I woud think.

But I guess when we get down to it, is eveything not in your head in a way? But I know what youre saying!


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