# Are you Codependent?



## ValleyGirl

I have heard the word codependent spit at me by angry mean people. I've been told that I leech off of people. I saw codependency as being a sobbing mindless mess unless you had someone to take care of you and make all of your decisions for you. So, I denied that I was. A couple of days ago I started to wonder why I feel the need to apologize to people when I wasn't the one who did something wrong, why I always take on other people's problem and feel the need to solve them even when they don't ask me to, why I feel so crippled by change, why I feel that I need the love of another person to be happy, even why I feel so abandoned by the people around me. So the codependency word crept into my brain and I decided to consult dr google. I came across a site that listed the symptoms of codependency and I have to be honest, I easily have 90% of them. I think that having this codependent nature is part of what set me up for dp and probably part of what drives my dp still.

Here is a link for symptoms of codependency http://www.drirene.com/codepend1.htm . You should take a look and see if you have the symptoms too. I think all of us have a few of them in one way or another but that if you are like me, and you have 90% of them, it's a major problem that needs to be worked out to live an emotionally healthy life in the future.


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## sonnl

Definatley no. I might have been a little maybe a few years ago, but people have always leached off of me more than I them. If anything Im more better off without needing anyone, I cant stand to be in a submissive position.


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## ValleyGirl

sonnl said:


> Definatley no. I might have been a little maybe a few years ago, but people have always leached off of me more than I them. If anything Im more better off without needing anyone, I cant stand to be in a submissive position.


That's good. I read that it is set up in childhood though (despite fully recognizing that my childhood was very dysfunctional) I cannot see how I learned that behavior during that time. I was actually very independent. I think it all just sort of developed along with the abuse in my marriage. Anyways, I'm glad I recognize and own it so that I can change it and be healthier in the future.


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## 2deepathinker

Yes, I am very codependent. I was born into an alcoholic family, and am trying to work through those issues now. I am exploring how these issues might be a cause of the depersonalization, because in the past year I have been through some heavy issues in regards to my past and my family. I go to Alanon, and it has helped me. However, I don't think there has to be an alcoholic in your life in order to be a codependent person. There is also CODA or codependents anonymous. 12 steps are great, if that is your thing.

In actuality, I think codependence is super common. I will go as far as saying our society runs on it. I told my therapist that I made my boyfriend into a codependent, because I felt so responsible and felt like my codependence was rubbing off on him. She laughed, and said that if he is codependent, that he would have been one anyhow, and I can't make someone into anything.

If angry people are telling you, you are codependent, then I think they are just trying to manipulate you. If anything, codependents give until it hurts and usually give things and fix things in an unhealthy fashion.

A typical example of a codependent with an alcoholic is that a codependent will cover up the behavior. This is unhealthy for both individuals. It doesn't help the alcoholic to have someone fix and anticipate their problems. They usually find help when they hit rock bottom and not from others trying to fix.

Codependence also can be passed down in families just like alcoholism and addictions.

Anyhow, hopefully what I had to say is interesting and helpful (that's the codependent in me, LOL!) As you can see, I have an interest in this topic and if you ever want to message me, please do. Stay well, and don't worry about people who call you codependent. As the old saying goes: It takes one to know one!


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## ValleyGirl

mourningdovespirit said:


> Yes, I am very codependent. I was born into an alcoholic family, and am trying to work through those issues now. I am exploring how these issues might be a cause of the depersonalization, because in the past year I have been through some heavy issues in regards to my past and my family. I go to Alanon, and it has helped me. However, I don't think there has to be an alcoholic in your life in order to be a codependent person. There is also CODA or codependents anonymous. 12 steps are great, if that is your thing.
> 
> In actuality, I think codependence is super common. I will go as far as saying our society runs on it. I told my therapist that I made my boyfriend into a codependent, because I felt so responsible and felt like my codependence was rubbing off on him. She laughed, and said that if he is codependent, that he would have been one anyhow, and I can't make someone into anything.
> 
> If angry people are telling you, you are codependent, then I think they are just trying to manipulate you. If anything, codependents give until it hurts and usually give things and fix things in an unhealthy fashion.
> 
> A typical example of a codependent with an alcoholic is that a codependent will cover up the behavior. This is unhealthy for both individuals. It doesn't help the alcoholic to have someone fix and anticipate their problems. They usually find help when they hit rock bottom and not from others trying to fix.
> 
> Codependence also can be passed down in families just like alcoholism and addictions.
> 
> Anyhow, hopefully what I had to say is interesting and helpful (that's the codependent in me, LOL!) As you can see, I have an interest in this topic and if you ever want to message me, please do. Stay well, and don't worry about people who call you codependent. As the old saying goes: It takes one to know one!


Oh, it was through honest self reflection that I came to this conclusion. As I said, the angry people are who made me deny it. I was like "screw you". But I've been questioning a lot of my feelings and behaviors lately (thanks to dp) and I went in search of a cause. Like I said, I do like 90% of the things they list. I've always been terrified to be alone, my entire self esteem depends on other people's acceptance and praise. Just a lot of stuff and it needs to change.


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## 2deepathinker

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> Oh, it was through honest self reflection that I came to this conclusion. As I said, the angry people are who made me deny it. I was like "screw you". But I've been questioning a lot of my feelings and behaviors lately (thanks to dp) and I went in search of a cause. Like I said, I do like 90% of the things they list. I've always been terrified to be alone, my entire self esteem depends on other people's acceptance and praise. Just a lot of stuff and it needs to change.


Good for you for recognizing the need for change! Congrats! Yes, DP can be a real waker-upper for what needs changing in one's life. I have realized this as well.

Hmmm..just thinking about those angry mean people, and why they would make you deny that.

Anyhow, you got my attention by mentioning codependence because that is a topic of interest for me.


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## Guest

In a relationship between two emotionally healthy adults, the roles of giving and receiving help balance. Both people offer help and receive help from each other in roughly equal quantities.


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## Guest

In an emotionally healthy adult relationships, the role of giving and receiving help are balanced. Two people to help, and accept all of about the same amount of additional assistance. However, there are always some people who were assistants, they do not have anything to do with where to take the role.


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## Guest

The seeds of codependence in childhood, when a child no choice but to accommodate a parent who is controlling, selfish, depression, addiction, or abuse. These children do not get this sense, their hopes or needs. Codependents relationships usually do all my efforts. Care and to help others is good, but if it costs AT home, or if you do not believe you have a choice - it would not be selfish, or you may lose the relationship - then the maintenance and management is not just an act, it Is a source of identity and self-worth.


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## FacelessJane

ValleyGirl said:


> A couple of days ago I started to wonder why I feel the need to apologize to people when I wasn't the one who did something wrong, why I always take on other people's problem and feel the need to solve them even when they don't ask me to, why I feel so crippled by change, why I feel that I need the love of another person to be happy, even why I feel so abandoned by the people around me. [...] I think that having this codependent nature is part of what set me up for dp and probably part of what drives my dp still.


*Thank you so much* for this post! I have the same manifestations that you listed above. 
I have recently found that I have a codependent nature along with DP/DR (doesn't matter which came first imho), but was seeking more validation and more resources. After browsing the website you posted, I was absolutely validated in my self-diagnosis.
Now I can go back to therapy since I know what my problem is!
Thanks again for the excellent resource!


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## dreamsofsomeday

This sounds way too much like me >.< I can't accept it, though.


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## Pablo

I think this is far more common than many "normal" people would like to admit to, most people like to see themselves as independent and secure but the majority of people aren't. I think it could well cause dp for some people I imagine as you are under the constant stress of trying to take care of people and things which aren't your responsibility and don't have mature boundaries so dp could be a way of trying to escape from that nightmare. I think I was this way once and perhaps underneath this is what I am trying to run away from as to go back to that state would be intollerable for me.


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## violetgirl

eddieparker said:


> The seeds of codependence in childhood, when a child no choice but to accommodate a parent who is controlling, selfish, depression, addiction, or abuse. These children do not get this sense, their hopes or needs. Codependents relationships usually do all my efforts. Care and to help others is good, but if it costs AT home, or if you do not believe you have a choice - it would not be selfish, or you may lose the relationship - then the maintenance and management is not just an act, it Is a source of identity and self-worth.


This spot on. I grew up with extremely controlling parents, who criticised me for everything, I was psysically punished for most things, had a lot of things put on me that a child should not have to worry about. I had anxeity about everything, that i wasn't good enough, I worried over small mistakes as my parents punished me for fairly normal things.
My DP went, when I let go of my unhealthy relationship with my parents. I became my 'own' person. When you are trying to be all these things for other people, you fragment, your identity goes, you become what everyone else wants to be. It's no co-incidence that people with DP often complain that they don't know who they are, that their ego/ self has gone.

I wish stuff like this was in general discussion, rather than comparing symptoms. I think it's so important to think about things like this, as for a lot of people, many don't connect the two. I know I didn't until it was pointed out to me


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## Guest

I have realised that I am codependent and I have a codependent relationship. My mother was codependent too, and I never really understood what it meant, until I read up on it recently and realised that bloody hell, this is me all over. No wonder I can't take care of myself.


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