# Something rotten.



## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

OK, seeing as Janine has refused to give me a exact explaination, slide-show, manual, and tea-shirt for what the hell is wrong with me :wink: , I'll ask the rest of you.

See, I'm back on my feet now. I have my own place, decent enough flat, a good job which I'm apparently 'doing outstaningly well at', I get lifts to and from work (from my door!!!!), making new friends, getting invited to parties, leaukemia is on the back-burner, and I even have a couple of ladies on the go. I'm seeing one tonight - she's coming around for a take-away, a bottle of plonk and a DVD.

But I feel like shit. Something is rotten inside of me. I feel like a fraud. When I go home I feel, I dunno, sad or something. I honestly felt better lying in bed at my mothers house, with no job, no money, no life. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT? FOR GOD'S SAKE MARTIN....................

:evil: :evil: :evil:


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## Guest (Oct 25, 2005)

What line of work are you in now Martin?

Maybe you need to take up religion... :twisted:


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Ha! Religion - that'll be the day

Lonely? a 'this is it' (life) feeling? 
The way you describe your life is as if you now have everything sorted that you believe ahould make life good, and are maybe disappointed that you don't feel the way you expected?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I think you're right G-FUNK. I've had that feeling all my life. The 'is this all there is' feeling, even when I've had everything a man could ever want. It's a curse, a plague on my soul. I just wish I could accept my life for what it is.

I'm OK really, when I'm in company. I'll have great fun tonight. I think that when I'm on my own, doing nothing, I brood far too much. Strangely, recently I haven't been able to concentrate on one of my great passions - reading, and it's really worrying me. Still.....things could be worse.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

Shit. When I post anything its like, stfu and be happy and stop thinking. But here you are with everything you could ever want and still feel empty. :roll:


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I took me a moment to figure out what stfu meant, but I understand now.

I've never told you that. I understand entirely where you are coming from. But the difference between you and me is that while we are both as miserable and empty as sin, I  still play the game !! The bonus prize of that is an occassional leakage of pleasure into my mirky shitty pool of emptyness. So it's a small price to pay for having to swim through the rest of the shit. Have a dip, you might enjoy it.


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## widescreened (Jun 22, 2005)

nihilism,existential angst,apathy,dysthynia(i think thats its spelling),meaninglessness.I have this compromised experience also.ponanny described it as lack of nostalgia a few days ago.i bet physically or emotionally we are as calm and even tempered as most others,but the lack of meaning tempers everything,and is a sticking point for me also.shaman people refer to it as spirit loss.yeats wrote about stolen children,stolen by the fairy folk and a lifeless replacement left in its place.maybee we should open up the occult archives for answers.

1laugh
2exercise

I know most on this board dont exercise.give it a go.it will lift your spirits.otherwise,the flatline utopia that characterises our exsistance will be harder to live with.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

You never cease to amaze me Widescreened. You really are quite an absorbing read.

It's a puzzle, for sure. I've always accepted the 'ultimate' meaningless, or rather, pointlessness of life, but I countered this by deciding that I give my own life meaning, purpose. I know that this is the only life I will get, so I might as well make the most of it.

But it's come to a point, and I think that DR/DP really triggered it off, that now I struggle to live with even that 'ideal'. Put simply, I just can't be happy, and there is no reason for me not to be. I really don't understand it. Could it be as simple as some screwed up brain chemistry, or is it an consequence of something else? I really don't know. In fact, I don't want to know, I just want to be happy. I am so tired of sadness and misery. I want peace. I want to lie in bed with no thoughts, no anxiety, just peace. I've had it before, so why can't I have it now ! NOW NOW NOW !! :wink:


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

maybe having a break from the forum and not focussing on your emotions might help........good for you anyway martin sounds like your doing ok,just try not to hit that self destruct button too often


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Hey mate, cheers, perhaps you're right. But I don't tend to get emotionally involved with the suffering on here...or at least I try not to. I try and be as detached as possible.

Anyway, you OK?


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## widescreened (Jun 22, 2005)

ignorance is definitely bliss.but to want to be ignorant is impossible if you are smart.and would you want to be stupid anyway?read envy.it takes the pressure off a bit!!i think posts like this are crucial.most people talk about physiological symptoms,or bizzare mindset symptoms that are all auxillary to existential angst.i think that the difference with dpers is we have the power and motivation to describe and feel existential angst with gr8 lucidity where depressed people feel there is something vague amiss.we are a more cursed species for this reason as we tear at every fibre of consciousness in order to find meaning in life.so try and do the things that dont wind you up.i have to be very careful of booze.next day blues on top of meaning chasing is a long day indeed.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

I think this thing both takes away meaning when left alone (to eat away at nearly every aspect of existence) and adds a new sort of understanding of more important things that, when ignored, also leads to a destruction of meaning. It helps me see what's really important and what's really important and meaningful is something very few people experience a lot of... They just don't know it. And.. the ideal life is always within view ...while meaning and actual life events are usually separate for me too, it's nice to think of them fused together. I guess I'm talking about expectations, but I've been up all night, so I should stop talking.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

> ut to want to be ignorant is impossible if you are smart.and would you want to be stupid anyway?


Well, pretending that I'm smart in the first place, that's a question that I can't answer. If someone now offered me a pill that would take away all anxiety and give me peace, but leave me with the intelligence of road-kill...I'm not sure I'd take it. Strange.



> so try and do the things that dont wind you up


 :lol: Well, I'd better find a locked dark room, completely devoid of anything and everyone, and sit there tranquilised out of my box on Ketamine.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Martin,

Your inner yearning is the stuff that has fueled all truly sincere desires to know the truth about existence.

You seek what many have sought and still do -- contact with that for which our heart longs.

I am confident that you are open to the truth, and I have faith that you will find it and be at peace, even if the questions seem to multiply.

I would recommend an author to you and no more: Evelyn Underhill.

I wish you a speedy and fruitful trip!

Soj.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

martin i would recommend you stfu and accept Jesus Christ already, but since I'm Jewish it would be, like, totally hypocritical. 8)


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

I can relate to this. Sorry to go all analytical again, but my thoughts are this - for people like us, we are more interested in the end product than the getting there.

And if we feel we are not going to get there anytime soon we withdraw emotional investment. If we do 'get' there, or what we perceive to be 'there' we are only disappointed. It's narcissism and needing those things to make us happy or feel like we are something, but we know deep down that what makes us happy comes from inside. Then we can learn to enjoy the ride that is life, get engaged and extract meaning from everyday mundane things, because they are not so crucial to us feeling whole. It's the only reason an african woman living in a masai hut with nothing but water to drink and cow to eat could be far happier than anyone of us here. They could also be more miserable too, of course but that's my point.

it sounds soppy as hell, but I reckon there could be some truth in that waffle I just wrote :twisted:


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

When I get that whole "what is the point of all of this. Everything has no meaning." To me that's when I know I'm depressed. Not just sad or lonely but slipping back into depression. I don't have those moments too often anymore, did more as a teenager and earlier twenties. Now, I can just go to sleep and wake up and usually be ok again.

Martin, are you one of those people that needs a rollercoaster of emotions to be happy? With extreme highs and lows? And you hate any feeling of flatness? I know a few people like that, but you seem relatively more stable than these folks.

I'm not sure what advice to give you except maybe you are upset because what "society" tells you should bring happiness, is not doing it for you. Good job, a home, friends, girlfriends. Maybe you need more. More excitement, more meaning? But where do you find it? I'm not sure. Take off to a deserted island or a mountain somewhere and go find the meaning of life. Are you happy with your job, friends, girlfriends? If not find different ones.

For me what brought happiness is weird. Basically my "breakdown" brought happiness. I was always depressed or worrying about stupid things. But when my panic attacks and dp/dr started, I really and truly thought I was losing my mind. My life stopped, I didn't drive, barely left the house, lost all my friends, had to leave college, etc. My life stopped and I had nothing almost. And what I did have I felt was slipping away with every moment that passed.

This is when I found peace. Little things made me happy. I no longer was so bored that I needed to be on 5 street drugs to be happy. I was happy for every moment that I hadn't gone crazy yet. I was happy to drive around the block and make that accomplishment. Going out for a good meal, playing with my dog, going shopping. Simple things that used to just mean nothing, now I was glad to be able to experience it. It's hard to explain but somewhere along the way I got off that rollercoaster where I was always either way up or way down and found a peaceful place in the middle. I figure nothing could ever be as bad as feeling your mind slip away, and going through that has made everything else easier somehow.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

Martinelv said:


> Hey mate, cheers, perhaps you're right. But I don't tend to get emotionally involved with the suffering on here...or at least I try not to. I try and be as detached as possible.
> 
> Anyway, you OK?


im fine cheers martin,for the first time in ages i discussed dropping my meds down with my doc,i told her that ive no problem going without the benzos but the ssri is a problem so i have to cut down 10mg at a time and stay on that dose for at least 2 months so its gonna take time...plus and a BIG plus is the fact i dont drink much now so my mental state seems to be fine at the moment...still feel unreal and the thought of panic is there but its not as prominent so fingers crossed


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi jc
That is great news! What are you up to at the moment? Weren't you working somewhere? How is home life?

Gx


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## Universal (May 30, 2005)

it sounds like you're doing good in life. even though you haven't found any "miracles" yet doesn't mean that life is no good. in fact maybe this is as good as it gets? you have a stable job, girlfriends, you should be happy for yourself that you are at this point in life. like i told a friend of mine you have something good going, dont spoil it by overanalyzing everything. i wish that you one day find what makes you happy, but for now that you are on the right track stay that way, and be thankful that you don't have it as bad as some people on this board.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

g-funk said:


> Hi jc
> That is great news! What are you up to at the moment? Weren't you working somewhere? How is home life?
> 
> Gx


hiya

home life has been very very emotional my dads been through the mill and it turns out he has melanoma(sp) so he has to have radiotherepy soon just to slow the cancer down...my mums walking on eggshells,and im just trying my best to stay out of the way but its hard not to just go up the pub and talk to me mates all day,but there you go such is life......i put together a cv the other night and have sent it to a couple of local companies


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

I'm really sorry to hear that about your Dad. I hope the radiotherapy goes well. It must be really tough at home right now. I would totally want to go up the pub! (you know I like my booze too!)

How come all your mates are also down the pub during the day? That must make it doubly hard to stay away!!!!

I have a pub 25 seconds from my front door. I thought I'd be there all the time especially when the thought of cooking is too much. But I've had everything on the menu 100 times over and sick to death of it.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

well its strange because most of my mates seem to work for companies where they offer job and knock......do the job and knock off ...wish i had a job like that...the radiotherepy will only slow the cancer down and hes been told that as it gets worse he will then have chemo....your pub not the horse and jockey by any chance ?


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

no, where's that? actually, let's not go into where we live on the internet!


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

noooo dont be silly theres a million and one horse and jockeys lol.....


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

I can't remember if I've felt empty all my life, but for the last ten years at least. I thought I had found the reason for it when the depression and dp/dr took place. But now I'm not at all sure that all it takes for me to be happy is to get rid of the dissociation- and of course depression and anxiety, my difficulties in social situations...the bottomless pit. Before I thought my happiness is related to what I do for a living and whom I'm with, but that seems unlikely too. I don't how I could be happy. Now I'm doing stuff which lessens my anxiety or makes it easier to live this life- I am trying to meet new people and will probably go to some type of work (for the mentally screwed) but I'm afraid I'll never feel right.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

person3 said:


> martin i would recommend you stfu and accept Jesus Christ already, but since I'm Jewish it would be, like, totally hypocritical. 8)


Hah! If my parents hadn't both rejected their families' religion, I wouldn't have been forced to find God outside of Judaism. My mother's brothers were both practicing believers, but I was too dense to even ask questions about the idea of God during my childhood. My father kept his bar mitzvah vestments, though, until the day he died.


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Martin, you haven't found your true calling yet.

I suggest you spend a few thousand dollars on self help/motivational books and seminars to get out of your funk.

Seriously I too get down with life but I know some of the reasons why.

You need to fall in love.

Hey - how come Martin gets five trillion responses when he posts something? :?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Thank you for all your responses everyone. This particually caught my eye:



> Martin, are you one of those people that needs a rollercoaster of emotions to be happy?


The answer to that is a big fat YES. It's been noticed before, particually by my friends. I feel more 'alive' when something is going stupendously right or horrendously wrong. It doesn't matter which. I seem to seek out these experiences, consciously or not. So maybe I am emotionally dead. Who can ever know?

Anyway, my date with the lady went quite well...up until she arrived of course. Then I got bored and wanted her to leave. Sigh. She's coming around again tonight, so I'll get excited all day until she turns up. I think it's the expectation or something.....I dunno. I bore myself.

JC - glad to hear things are on the up mate.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Martinelv said:


> > Martin, are you one of those people that needs a rollercoaster of emotions to be happy?
> 
> 
> The answer to that is a big fat YES. It's been noticed before, particually by my friends. I feel more 'alive' when something is going stupendously right or horrendously wrong. It doesn't matter which. I seem to seek out these experiences, consciously or not. So maybe I am emotionally dead. Who can ever know?


Me too.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

> The answer to that is a big fat YES. It's been noticed before, particually by my friends. I feel more 'alive' when something is going stupendously right or horrendously wrong. It doesn't matter which. I seem to seek out these experiences, consciously or not. So maybe I am emotionally dead. Who can ever know?


OMG I SO RELATE

i also heart distraction.

but yeah, the emotional rollercoaster thing...oh my GOD...i hate when things are "eh". quick, someone on here get into a fight to keep me entertained


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