# little lisa's journal



## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

well i thought i will write a little journal explain how my attacks effect me day to day life etc... maybe others can do that too then we can really understand how it effects us all!!!!
last night was a really bad night for me i started feeling bad at about 5pm i text my boyfriend telling him i wasnt feeling well ( he knows that means dp/dr) he text back saying i will be fine!!! yeah right i thought whatever !!! anyway my son wanted his dinner so i started to fry some chips then i went into a dp/dr attack and i couldnt keep still i felt like running upstairs but i couldnt as the chip pan was on i started to look through my kitchen drawers to get anything to try and occupy my thoughts, i managed to searve up his dinner ok and went straight upstairs i run myself a bath as i sometimes find this helps but while running it i was in a bad attack so kept walking in and out the bathroom as if i stay in the same place while im in the attack it freaks me out i got in the bath and read a magazine i was hyperventalating too and was in a bit of a state imanaged to calm myself down to the point i could lay on my bed and read over time i relaxed i finally went to sleep at 2am
today i woke up at 7am as soon as i woke up i knew it was going to be a bad day as everything seembed hazy dream like i tried to get on tho when all i felt like doing was going back to bed i went downstairs to make a cuppa and everything started to look weird like i wasnt really there i managed to make my cuppa and got my 7 year old son up i snapped at him when i feel like this i seem to be like that i feel guilty but at the time i dont really think about it you dont you just feel so suffocated by the dp/dr we left for school and it was pouring down outside also it was still a bit dark because of the rain my son was trying to talk to me and i kept snapping at him the poor boy proberly thinks i hate him but that isnt true. walking to school i was trying to keep focused everything started to look weird and my heart started to race like anything i was walking really fast i just wanted to gethim to school and get home again. i managed to drop him off ok and started to walk out the whole surroundings around me seembed so unreal so different i began to panic wondering wether i really was awake or not. by this point the rain was really bad it was going into my eyes and that made things worse as i could barely see by now i walked really fast back home at one point the feeling over whelmed me to the point i felt like collapsing onto the floor but i kept going i managed to get home and made myself a drink i was in tears at this point (( i cant even walk my son to school without freaking out)) im feeling really low today it doesnt help that i gave up smoking 4 days ago as that has increased my attacks too. i text my boyfriend to tell him how i felt but havent heard from him which made me feel even worse.. ive just tried to get on with normal day to day things to try and keep my mind occupied.


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hi everyone well its saturday today i woke up through out the night as usual and finally woke up at 8am.i felt horrible as i couldnt focus and everything around me felt strange again!!!!, i went into the kitchen to make myself a cuppa and was trying to keep focused on what i was doing but it was like something inside of me was playing games with me and i felt like something bad was going to happen obviously that something bad was a dp/dr attack cos it happened soon after 
i walked out the kitchen trying to keep myself together and take my mind of it as well as keep myself grounded... eventually the feeling passed and i managed to get on with things
i find that alot!!! my attacks happen as soon as i wake i presume its to do with coming from sleep into reality as that is what dp/dr is all about feeling unreal it is horrible 
anyway as the day went on i felt ok i keep having pains in my legs and im worried i got dvt its mad i know but why would i have constant aches in my legs i know im not young but i certainly aint old lol !!!!! :lol: 
i presume its cos i sit on my big bum too much im going to start excersising as i have given up smoking YES its been 5 days now and i can say that bought on many attacks i'll tell ya!!!! but i stuck with it i can be stubborn sometimes lol :lol: 
anyway im having a lazy weekend just me n my son my boyfriend may pop up tommorow if im lucky but he is busy working ( he works in the army!!) anyway i will write tommorow or later if anything changes take care have a nice day everyone !!!!










me n my man


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## Tom Servo (Sep 19, 2005)

So Lisa, do you have feel fine some of the time and DR'd others, or do you always have DR that sometimes gets worse? It's tough trying to raise a kid when you have this, huh? I was a single dad until my daughter was in her teens. I'm sometimes amazed that I was able to do it.

Croydon! I was in Croydon a while ago when I took a wrong turn on they way to Gatwick. I should have gone south off the... M29, I think. I went north. I was really grumpy when I figured out what I had done, so I didn't really check out the town much. Sorry.


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

> my attacks happen as soon as i wake i presume its to do with coming from sleep into reality as that is what dp/dr is all about feeling unreal it is horrible


I know what you mean. I'm starting to wake early lately, between 2 and 3am and it's really getting me down. The insomnia makes it so much worse. I also believe that my dreams have a huge effect on my DR/DP.
Your not alone.

I know the little ones can irritate you but try to be nice to them. I sometimes snap and yell at my son and feel incredibly guilty afterwards. Makes me depressed. Go watch them when they're sleeping, they're like little angels, that will calm you down.

You seem to young to have a 7 yo. You have a nice family


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Well Lisa, for a start, you are far too attractive for your boyfriend. Leave him for me. Cheers.

Secondly - you are a very brave young woman. Despite the horrific nature of your DR/DP, by the sounds of it you still manage to carry on pretty much as normal. The trick is to keep doing this, *don't* give in..in fact, take up _more _hobbies, do more......

DR/DP feeds on your attention, so don't give it any.


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## kchendrix (Feb 28, 2005)

I agree with Martin... Of course I can't ask you to have me replace your boyfriend because of married, so I cast my vote for Martin.....


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

Tom Servo said:


> So Lisa, do you have feel fine some of the time and DR'd others, or do you always have DR that sometimes gets worse? It's tough trying to raise a kid when you have this, huh? I was a single dad until my daughter was in her teens. I'm sometimes amazed that I was able to do it.
> 
> Croydon! I was in Croydon a while ago when I took a wrong turn on they way to Gatwick. I should have gone south off the... M29, I think. I went north. I was really grumpy when I figured out what I had done, so I didn't really check out the town much. Sorry.


i always have it really it just gets worse over time 

LMAO :lol: what you like!!! he he he well you didnt miss much he he , nah croydons ok really !!!!


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

Martinelv said:


> Well Lisa, for a start, you are far too attractive for your boyfriend. Leave him for me. Cheers.
> 
> Secondly - you are a very brave young woman. Despite the horrific nature of your DR/DP, by the sounds of it you still manage to carry on pretty much as normal. The trick is to keep doing this, *don't* give in..in fact, take up _more _hobbies, do more......
> 
> DR/DP feeds on your attention, so don't give it any.


 :shock: lmfao!!!! im far to attractive am i blimey are you blind lol !!!
he he he

im coping just but it seems like everytime i get through a bad patch the next dose is that bit worse its like nature is playing games with me


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

kchendrix said:


> I agree with Martin... Of course I can't ask you to have me replace your boyfriend because of married, so I cast my vote for Martin.....


 :lol: :wink: :wink: :wink:


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

well its 1am on a tuesday i cant seem 2 relax (as usual)  ....
this weekend was hell to be honest i felt so low and kept having lots of dp/dr attacks 
sat night i even contemplated suicide i grabbed all my pills even wrote a goodbye note and went upstairs in my bedroom whilst my boyfriend was downstairs i layed on my bed crying my eyes out i really wished i could speak to him but theres only so much you can tell someone and they get annoyed with hearing the "same old" so i just stayed upstairs i thought to myself i wonder how long it will take for him to come up n check on me so i layed on my bed and layed an layed 3 hours went past ( just imagine if i did take the od well it would of been ideal really!!!)
anyway by this point i was getting hungry lol so i went downstairs and my boyfriend said " are you ok" i felt like hitting him lol but i just kept my mouth shut. an hour went past and he finally discovered the note which he took the wrong way and thought i wanted to split up with him he went straight into a bad mood and started questioning me obviously at this point i thought " i give up" lol 
i told him i felt suicidal and i dont think he took me seriously untill he found all the pills upstairs and even then he wernt really bothered oh i give up  
today well yesterday (monday) we spent the day at home again and i had numerous attacks again i felt like crap ended up rowing with my boyfriend "over personal things" im sure you lot dont want to hear but put it this way in my eyes im going through all this crap and im really trying to make an effort for him yet he cant be bothered for me 
i dont know i give up


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

For some reason your frequent use of the emoticons is cute. Usually it makes me want to punch the screen, maybe you just have a "cute" online personality...hahaha

What's a cuppa?

(sorry this definitely wasn't a helpful comment in any way)


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hey everyone, well im still here last night i was suicidal i really honestly hand on heart had enough.. but weirdly when i was feeling at that low and was about to finish it all my front door went and alot of commotion was going on this was early hours of this morning, my mates a man and a women had a row and the man had parked his car on my drive till he could move it as it had broken down anyway the women came up and started smashing the car up on my drive!!! next thing i know the man turned up by then the women had fled and he told me that she was going to petrol bomb the car on my drive !!! i was like omg!!!! :shock: .. anyway the police got called and it all went on for a few hours which obviously took my mind off me being suicidal by the time everyone had gone i just couldnt be bothered to do nothing but fall asleep!!! i was going to believe me but at that point i just went to sleep (mad or what) anyway i woke several times in the morning but went straight back to sleep i finally woke up at 9am only having about 3 hours kip i felt really bad but at this point my son was awake ive just spent most the day in my bedroom feeling horrible in dp/dr. im so scared i really am i am honestly scared because i was so close to finishing myself off last night i really was 
i put on my garage tunes to try n cheer me up stop myself from feeling low its got me on a sort of happy medium so much so im not really thinking suicidal at mo 
my son is on half term luckily so at least he aint missing out on school as if he were suppose to go id doubt i would be able to take him in 
im such a crap mum i cant cope i dont know what to do i feel so guilty my son deserves a better life more then what i can offer him i was even thinking of putting him in care i know that sounds horrible and i am his mum but he is only suffering by being here with me and i dont want me to effect him and him needin mental health help i just dont know what to do anymore


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Don't be so hard on yourself about your kid. Every kid has problems. Most parents make huge mistakes. As long as you are trying your best and showing the kid that you love him, he should turn out just fine. These things will only make him stronger.


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

me and my boyfriend dan


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

thats the thing i aint got nothing to offer him if anything im crushing him slowly he needs to learn, grow and enjoy his child hood but all im doing is ruining it i honestly believe he would benefit and gain alot more if he was to live somewhere else


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## kchendrix (Feb 28, 2005)

As tough as this is, don't ever say that you are beat, as hard as this is , as hard as it seems it is to go on. As strange and frightening as it is , don't quit. Get yourself on the phone when you feel that way, get your self some professional help, I know you probabaly have already,but call them, call a friend, do anything but quit. Your son,, no mater what you think, probably loves his mother dearly, think of how he would feel if he didn't have you. You might be free of this world but he would be left to live with that the rest of his life. No matter how bad you feel , you owe it to him to try, to get the help you need. He is not better off with someone else, no matter what you are his mother, and you know most little ones think the world of their mom no matter how flawed.

THink of what you will miss of him when he grows up, think back to when you saw him take his first steps, or when you gave birth. Remember those beautiful wonderful moments.

Dig down as deep as you can and find that I can't quit spirit. I have been as low as you, I have been feeling bad lately, but I will not give up , I love my kids and grandchildren too much , I want to see them on Christmas mornings to come, I will beat the hell out this thing one way or the other, but I WILL NOT QUIT> Get mad now, get angry at this thing and tell it that it will not win.

I live in the US, IF You PM me I will give you my phone number and if you ever feel like quitting again , you call me. I know you don't know me, but this board is like a big family and when one person hurts so bad we all try to help pickup the pieces.

Now come on, call your Doc, tell them how you have felt and see what they can do for you.

Peace and Love
KC


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

It is good that there are people like you in the world, kchendrix.


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Lisa,

I have read all your entries and I think the best things that could be said were all said by KC. Reread his post often when you are in need of knowing there is a reason for you to be on this planet.

You are needed and loved.
terri


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hi everyone yeah thankyou for your advice it really did help i feel so much better now especially as my boyfriend came all the way up to see me tonight to see me as i was feeling so down he totally cheered me up which is amazing as i was on deaths door i feel totally different now he has made me feel so special and that really helped too.

but thans once again for all your advice


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## boohoo (Aug 4, 2005)

Well well. Quote Martinelv.



> Secondly - you are a very brave young woman. Despite the horrific nature of your DR/DP, by the sounds of it you still manage to carry on pretty much as normal. The trick is to keep doing this, don't give in..in fact, take up more hobbies, do more......


Sorry to take offense here, but I'm agoraphobic and I refuse to believe it's because I'm a coward. I believe you either have agoraphobic tendencies, or you don't.
Sorry.

Lisa, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I find it really interesting to read someone else's daily life, as it's so simillar to my own. It sounds as if your boyfriend is really helping you to get through this. Hope you're doing as well today.


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hi thanks for your responce i appreciate all your comments WELL TODAY I HAVE BEEN BAD REALLY .. IM IN A DEREAL ATTAACK NOW AS I TYPE THIS 
all day i have been bad i cant shake it off i hate this its getting worser an worser

one step forward n 5 steps back

thats all i got to say at mo , sorry peeps will write again when im more wityh it see i cant even take in what im suppose to be typing im confused at mo


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## samantha (Jun 11, 2005)

Lisa, I write alot. sometimes I have my bad journal entries.

went shopping, what a nightmare, my sister drove to asda-the f**king price is never right for me, the music please no music not the music, I was off-a bad day, she couldn?t park, I got out and directed and half shouting telling her to f**king get on with it, tense every delay is a delicate slice of the razor across my patience, she gets out the car laughing half scolding like the mother she is to me, f**k she?s so cool and calm it almost annoys me, I get the trolley and push across the threshold into despair, nausea nausea everywhere n?ere a drop of sanity to drink, f*k I can?t face this: the music the bells the bells it?s all ringing in my ears: the music strains of nausea in the air-and at our bakery counter bakewell tarts are two for the price of one and we have great deals on children?s clothes at the moment, do I f**king care just switch it off my brain I turn down the volume and reality fades, I follow she leads, not like the old days eh sam mad for life and living it yes I like the quiet life now but not with this (un)reality filtering in-it?s like trailer parks life?s scrap yard telephone boxes that smell of p**s waking in your vomit stagnant water a beach when it?s raining cash machines that swallow your card: f**king hell I hate it I cannot bear the (sur)reality of this, asda is the worst of all, em stop can I tell you, what sam, nothing it?s ok I?ll just wait here you get produce stuff, em it?s like under the bridge, what?, you know the red hot chilli peppers, yeah sam you wait here like a good girl, I don?t ever want to feel like I did (this) day, take me far away, take all the way, it?s hard to believe, it?s hard to believe that I?m all alone, and I don?t ever wanna feel????., f**k why don?t they play something like that and not this s**t


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## Beth (Sep 27, 2004)

> What's a cuppa?


What's a cuppa??? The one and only thing that has any effect on a really bad attack of dp. It has brought me back from the brink of insanity so many times.


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## Beth (Sep 27, 2004)

Oh yes, and more relevantly - I nodded right the way through your first post lisa. I hate that feeling, having to walk around just because staying still is so unbearable, but it not actually helping at all.

Knowing other people feel exactly the same things sort of makes it less frightening at first, but it's so sad too. I hope you feel a bit better soon,

Only time I've been to Croydon I got really lost.

Beth


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hey everyone thanks for all your input its lovely hearing from you all!! well this weekend was pretty mad i freaked out on saturday i was in starburger ( like a smaller mcdonalds) and i always freak out when i go in there but i managed to firm it!! but as soon as i come out i went into icelands too get some freezer food an i totally freaked out made a right tit of myself in the middle of the shopping centre ( i dont know how im going to face going in there again  ) its like because i managed to get through the meal at star burger i was punished or something weird i know but thats the way it feels sometimes too me 
i find if i do something and get through it the next attack comes back as worse as ever , well it feels that way anyway!!
when i got home after getting over that embaressing experiance i felt so much better.. my boyfriend rung up an asked if i wanted to go clubbin i thought sod it why not if i got through that attack what else could possibly be thrown at me so i started to get ready and we went to a garage club in london heres a pic of me n my mate natalie in there










it was a good night from what i remember of it but the next day i woke with what i assumed was a bad hangover it wasnt untill i spoke to my boyfriend that i was told that i flipped totally out the night before and he thinks my drink was spiked apparently i was hysterical, trying to jump out my window as i wanted to fly!!!! omg!!!! :shock: 
he said i finally calmed down enough by 5am to go to sleep !!! so sunday was a dp/dr in the making really because i was bad all day cos of night before oh well lol i tried didnt i ? i went out anyway thats a start!!!!


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

HI EVERYONE
well its tuesday and today i feel ok i woke up late (9.15am) so me an my little boy was rushing about like mad people trying to get reay for school i finally got him in school at 9.25am phew!!!! lol well the school was understanding as yesterday i had a massive panic attack from a dp.dr attack i had in the morning i was walking my boy to school and went in to a panic attack by the time i arrived at his school i was fighting for breath and in a right old state i was in tearsa and evreything and the secutary offered me a thick brown envalope to breath in if i wasnt in the state i was in at that time i would of laughed in her face- how on earth am i expected to blow into that i thought anyway after half an hour of tears, hyperventalation and embaressment i walked back home so yesterday was horrible really as it stayed with me all day thats why i was scared thinking the same thing would happen to me today but luckily all's well so far!!!
at the weekend i felt horrible but on saturday i forced myself to go on auto pilot i was determined to go clubbing , i did go clubbing and had a good night i had 3 mini dp/dr attacks in club and one freak out near panic attack in middle of night but thats because of my own fault lol 
me being the cheeky cow i am asked someone for a bit of there drink so they poured there bottle of water down my throat obviously it went straight down and i couldnt breath in or out i panicked i really did i was trying to get this girls attention but as you can imagine the club was packed everyone was drinking an dancing so she assumed i were drunk i really thought i were going to die i could not breath in or out and it started to make me feel dizzy she then looked at me and realised something was wrong and waked me on my back whilst tring to drag me to the girls toilets after 5 mins i gained my breath back my heart were racing well fast an i really was shaking ( that will teach me from being a cheeky cow) lol 
anyway peeps im feeling ok today so fingers crossed aye !!!


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## Mule (Sep 5, 2005)

how do you have the motivation? if i got freaked out clubbing, i wouldnt do it for ages! glad your feeling better though, if you've got msn messenger im always on if you wanna talk about it


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## Da'Burgh (Apr 25, 2005)

all this british talk...confuses me.. lol

little lisa, i guarantee that when you stop giving it the fear and the constant attention...it lets up and gets better. i promise.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

Mule said:


> how do you have the motivation? if i got freaked out clubbing,


strobe lights will never fail to bring on a dr attack. luckily, if i'm drunk, i don't get dr...and if i'm clubbing, i'm drunk...


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hi everyone!!!! its saturday night normally im getting ready to go out clubbing but im not going out tonight ( amazing lol)!!!
well today has been a mad day for me considering i dont see nobody ( apart from boyfriend) i woke up at 8 am feeling ok and my boyfriend was going to have a sleep in as he works ( bless him) so i left him to it and then there was a knock at the door i thought who on earth is that then i remembered it was the telewest people coming to fit in my broadband ( bang goes dans sleep in -poor sod!!) as my computer is in my bedroom lol. so we all got ready while this bloke fitted it all in.
when it was finally done we decided to go and get some oil for dans car as it was thirsty!! lol. hen we went to my nans dan had to wait in the car as my nan dont like lots of people in here housed since she was diagnosed with lung cancer a year ago she has been staying at home everyday and is now agrophobic, my nan has not had any treatment for her cancer at all and its been a whole year now !!! im amazed :shock: really :shock: anyway she seembed a lot more chatty then usual wich was a plesent suprise i spent 20 mins in there which also amazed me as normally she ushers u out the door after 5 minutes . after seeing her we decided to grab some lunch so we headed to a kebab shop and i had a doner kebab and chips mmmmmmmm!! lol
we then went to my sisters boyfriends mum's house (mouthfull lol) and there were my sister laura (shes 28) her boyfriend kenny and there 7 month old daughter summer, my other sister jenny who is 7 weeks pregnant (she is 22) her husband mark ( they got married when jen was 16 omg!!!) and there daughter ellie who is 18 months old . kenny's mum carol, my parents paul and denise(who are both 48) and obviously me , dan and callum we had a right laugh there cracking jokes and catching up with gossip we then all ( yes all) headed off to my other nans who already had my uncle, auntie, cousin and secound cousins there so her front room was rammed!!!! lol it reminded me off the new years eve partys we use to have i did mention puttin on some music but noone was interested lmao!!! we all chatted and basically did the normal family thing!!! then at 5pm me dan and callum came home iwent to open my front door and went straight into a dp attack i thought calm down lisa ur gonna be ok !!! i just got on with things to occupy my mind and since being back keep having lil dp/dr attacks its now 9.17pm and i feel horrible again.. but at least i had a nice day out visiting my family. dan wants to visit his family tommorow --- well thats another story lol ( im scared as its not my famo so cant relax n e ways ) i will let you know how i get on !!!!

as for going out clubbing yeh i too admit strobe lights freak me out but the club i go to has no strobe lights which is why i continue to go there this is my only form of socilising i cant do pubs/resturants as i find this too personal in other wordsd in them u have to sit very close to or stand and that freaks me out i prefer a club where i can dance off if i start to feel weird i mean i could go to pubs etc but if it got to much and i started to dance off id look well strange wouldnt :lol:


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hey peeps

hope you are all well. ive not wrote in this for ages so here i am!!!
my "attacks" are still pretty much the same to be honest. i always get worse in the autumn/winter months...
its so cold over here in england too brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!  ..

well i will write soon properly i promise !!!!

take care love to you all

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hey peeps

well i am into day 4 off taking my medication
yes i have gone right down hill and went to see my doctor who put me on prozac. ive been really bad lately not even been able to go downstairs i sit in my room all the time, i have tried to venture out but seem to freak out and hurry back!!! 
i have not been able to eat either and have lost alot of weight i use to be 9 stone 6 im now 7 stone 13
i have had numerous panic attacks and seem to be in constant dp/dr.. its horrible it really is. today i totally freaked out for

well peeps i will keep you all informed of my progress!!!! :?:


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hey everyone well ive not been online for a very long time u see ive been through a bad patch a bit of a breakdown to be honest ive lost over two stone in weight and well look terrible for it 
im on prozac now and on the road to recovery !!!!
im having daily dp/dr attacks but not letting them get me down too much !!!

just to say merry crimbo and a happy new year to everyone !!!!


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