# my miserable life story, shortened of course...



## cass226 (Sep 8, 2006)

i know i said yesterday that i am really glad i found this website. the words i couldn't form correctly or tried to avoid are written in here numerous times by different people, and that just makes me feel better to know what the heck is wrong with me. i've printed out the article on the home page and highlighted parts that fit me perfectly and i am bringing that to my pdoc on the 20th. i also have BP1, and of course depression tied in with DP. my panic attacks used to be abour ten to fifteen times a day, but have ceased to about 4 times a month, if that.

now, about me...my mother died when i was 14, very suddenly, and from that point on, i lost my childhood. i remember the hospital so clearly, and seeing her in the last moments. i lost my best friend, mom and my motivator that day. within a few weeks, i was drinking, but i never did any drugs until i was about 16. my dad and i never got along, with or without my mom. we still barely do. he doesn't get all the things in my head, so i rarely talk to him about it anymore. i've cried for my mom, and sometimes i still do cry, or i get angry that i didn't have more time with her. 
from today, as far back as i remember, i have just sorta done what everyone else has wanted me to do, or is expected of a regular life, and floated with it. i've never had my own paddle. after my mom, the only emotions i have been able to feel is pain and anger. that's when i let them get in. every single day, it's harder to wakt up, and face the day. i get up, pretend i enjoy going to work. i work two jobs, and i hate the fact i have to, and i hate the jobs. i fake it all day long, like i'm supposed to do. i wait tables at night for extra cash, and i fake it with every table. of course i don't care how your day was, but i still ask. it's automatic. i smile and nod when needed, but even as i take the order or look at the person, my mind goes out in left field. i remember things better there than at my first job, but only because my tip depends on my actions.

when i get into my car, (i just bought it about 4 months ago)..it still doesn't feel like mine. i might as well have a taxi. when i get home, i enter the apartment, and it feels as if i'm just staying there. like it's not mine. definitely not home. i don't really have a place to call home. although i am a great listener and i can act compassionate for other people and help out when needed, i don't know if thats an auto response or if i really do give a darn what is going on with them. anything i experience i don't truly feel or even know if it's real. i can look at a inanimate object even, and look at it, but then if i LOOK at it, it seems strange. just like i can say my mom died when i was 14. or i can SAY it and feel the sharpness of the pain twisting. nothing becomes real in my sight or mind unless i force my self to say or feel it. i even look in the mirror, but i don't see me. i see a face i put makeup on every day to face the world. 
now that i know what is ailing me, i have no idea how to fix it. i really don't want to add yet another med to my cocktail, but i don't know if there is any other way for me too come back down to reality and accept things i brush off. 
sorry, i know this is long, but i just wanted to say those things to someone who can say, "oh yeah, i feel like that too" instead of "are you crazy? stay off the drugs, pal".
thanks
cass


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Hi cass...

Yeah, I can relate. I didn't have a long period of dp/dr (although I can now recognise times that I have had it in the past where it came and went before I had too much time to dwell on what it was), but the longest period I did have really did a number on me.

I felt very similar to how you have described...mine was also caused, in part, by the death of my Mum (also best friend, mentor etc). I fell in the biggest hole though on the second anniversary of her death...a whole lot of different changes were happening in my life all around the same period and it was like someone had flicked a switch in my head.

I also felt like a master at pretending nothing was wrong...nobody could tell (except my husband when I finally broke down).

I really don't know what it was that brought reality back for me though, so I really don't have much to offer regarding recovery. It could have been the anti-depressants & anxiety meds I started taking, could have been that I fell pregnant, could have been that some of the pressures in my life started lifting, could have been the counselling, or that I finally faced up to all the things that I couldn't deal with...I really don't know...but things have improved...a lot. I am different, but I can honestly say that I don't feel as detached from everyone and everything and I feel like "me" again. Things feel real...I can FEEL.

It's fantastic that you have been able to lessen your anxiety attacks. It will enable you to focus on other things. They were one of the first things to improve for me.

All the best with everything and I hope things continue to improve for you. Welcome to the site.


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## Danish Dreamer (Sep 13, 2006)

Hi people. First of all- excuse my bad english, im from denmark :? im 20 years old, been living with this wierdness for 6 years. Its been here all the time, from i open my eyes in the morning, and untill i close them again at night.
I found this website a cople of weeks ago, when i was searching on the internet. It was amazing! I've been searching for an answer in almost 6 years, and i think that i finally found it! I have never really meet anyone who could relate to what i was teling.
I dont really know what caussed it.. i just know, that for as long as i can remember, i have always been quite sensitive and emotionally. I have always analysed things to much, always been thinking to much about everything. I havent had the greatest childhood. My parents divorced when i was 3 years old. My dad got married again, to a lady i couldnt stand. My mum had alot of different men, mostly alcoholics. And then she started drinking too. I mooved alot around from my mum to my dad.
In 9th grate (15 years old) i was living with m father at that time, i remember that over a couple og days, i started getting this wierd unreallity feeling. Things started to look strange and unfamiliar to me. I couldt feel the same things anymore. My shrink (whom i had been talking to since i was 6 years) gave up on me. She got totally scared when i told her about what i was expiriencing. nothing happent in a long time, my parents probably thought that is was some kind of teenage thing. The last couple of month at my boarding school, i started to hide myself in my room. I just felt like sleeping and avoiding people. My parents dicided to take my to a psykiatric hospital, where i stayed for four month. They couldnt quite figure out what was wrong. They started giving my medication witch really fucked me up! I convinced my dad to take me away from the hospital, and he did. I kept on taking "cipremil" "anti depressants"- i think its called, for a couple of years. I have tryid alot of different alternative treatmens, but nothing really help. Its getting really hard for me to explane to people what i am expiriencing, cause there is so many things atached that i ant explane with words. And maybe because i analysed it to much. Well, theese are the things i "feel"

Unreallity - like being behind glass, inside a boble, like being in a dream.
Out of body thing. - Cant relate to my own body
Out of mind thing.- cant relate to my own mind either.
Like somebody have turn off our emotins, in a way.
Memory problems.- its hard to remember things
Hard to concentrate. the more i try to focus, the more unfocused i get.
Afraid of turning insane.
Dizzyness
Hard to feel the ground- no connection to the world, the ground ect.
Sometimes almost convinced that i am dreaming
Strange mood. this really controles me! (hard to explane what i mean in english, cause moods means another thing in english) But i get moods atacks. strange feelings that doesnt belong to me, hard to explane.
Zoom feeling. - things and people zoom away from me sometimes (physically)
Mind games- if i think of things to much or if i analyse them to much, i feel like insanity is on the way, that im about to turn crazy.
Doing things that i wouldnt do if i didnt have this DP/DR thing.

Its wierd, but inspide of that i hardly can feel anything, i make up these illusination of things and people. I get overwelmed by theese things that i create by my self. I can create this illusion "on" another person (mostly guys) And they bescome god to me. it sucks!

I've been trying to explane to other people around me, but they just dont get it. so i stoped talking so much about it, and maybe thats why its hard to explane now. and maybe because i have analysed it so much.

The feeling of living in a dream has becomed so natural for me. so its hard to explane the differents between reallity and this.
Sometimes i get a little closer to reallity. Then suddently i see all the things i have been doing the last 6 years, and i panick. Cause the things that i have been doing, the way i have been living my life, doesnt belong to me. I wouldnt have done theese things if i was "normal" intackt with my self and the world. And then i bump back into the boble.

The last couple of days - week, have been a living hell. When i wake up in the morning, all i want to do is take my own life (but my stubborness keeps me from doing this) I cant stand this anymore.

There is alot of things that i cant explane, you guys probably have the same problem. 
Does all of this sound familar to any of you?

Heidi


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## Danish Dreamer (Sep 13, 2006)

Hi people. First of all- excuse my bad english, im from denmark :? im 20 years old, been living with this wierdness for 6 years. Its been here all the time, from i open my eyes in the morning, and untill i close them again at night.
I found this website a cople of weeks ago, when i was searching on the internet. It was amazing! I've been searching for an answer in almost 6 years, and i think that i finally found it! I have never really meet anyone who could relate to what i was teling.
I dont really know what caussed it.. i just know, that for as long as i can remember, i have always been quite sensitive and emotionally. I have always analysed things to much, always been thinking to much about everything. I havent had the greatest childhood. My parents divorced when i was 3 years old. My dad got married again, to a lady i couldnt stand. My mum had alot of different men, mostly alcoholics. And then she started drinking too. I mooved alot around from my mum to my dad.
In 9th grate (15 years old) i was living with m father at that time, i remember that over a couple og days, i started getting this wierd unreallity feeling. Things started to look strange and unfamiliar to me. I couldt feel the same things anymore. My shrink (whom i had been talking to since i was 6 years) gave up on me. She got totally scared when i told her about what i was expiriencing. nothing happent in a long time, my parents probably thought that is was some kind of teenage thing. The last couple of month at my boarding school, i started to hide myself in my room. I just felt like sleeping and avoiding people. My parents dicided to take my to a psykiatric hospital, where i stayed for four month. They couldnt quite figure out what was wrong. They started giving my medication witch really fucked me up! I convinced my dad to take me away from the hospital, and he did. I kept on taking "cipremil" "anti depressants"- i think its called, for a couple of years. I have tryid alot of different alternative treatmens, but nothing really help. Its getting really hard for me to explane to people what i am expiriencing, cause there is so many things atached that i ant explane with words. And maybe because i analysed it to much. Well, theese are the things i "feel"

Unreallity - like being behind glass, inside a boble, like being in a dream.
Out of body thing. - Cant relate to my own body
Out of mind thing.- cant relate to my own mind either.
Like somebody have turn off our emotins, in a way.
Memory problems.- its hard to remember things
Hard to concentrate. the more i try to focus, the more unfocused i get.
Afraid of turning insane.
Dizzyness
Hard to feel the ground- no connection to the world, the ground ect.
Sometimes almost convinced that i am dreaming
Strange mood. this really controles me! (hard to explane what i mean in english, cause moods means another thing in english) But i get moods atacks. strange feelings that doesnt belong to me, hard to explane.
Zoom feeling. - things and people zoom away from me sometimes (physically)
Mind games- if i think of things to much or if i analyse them to much, i feel like insanity is on the way, that im about to turn crazy.
Doing things that i wouldnt do if i didnt have this DP/DR thing.

Its wierd, but inspide of that i hardly can feel anything, i make up these illusination of things and people. I get overwelmed by theese things that i create by my self. I can create this illusion "on" another person (mostly guys) And they bescome god to me. it sucks!

I've been trying to explane to other people around me, but they just dont get it. so i stoped talking so much about it, and maybe thats why its hard to explane now. and maybe because i have analysed it so much.

The feeling of living in a dream has becomed so natural for me. so its hard to explane the differents between reallity and this.
Sometimes i get a little closer to reallity. Then suddently i see all the things i have been doing the last 6 years, and i panick. Cause the things that i have been doing, the way i have been living my life, doesnt belong to me. I wouldnt have done theese things if i was "normal" intackt with my self and the world. And then i bump back into the boble.

The last couple of days - week, have been a living hell. When i wake up in the morning, all i want to do is take my own life (but my stubborness keeps me from doing this) I cant stand this anymore.

There is alot of things that i cant explane, you guys probably have the same problem. 
Does all of this sound familar to any of you?

Heidi


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