# I don’t exist anymore



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

But yet I am writing this. I can touch my body but 1) it doesn't feel real or like mine 2) I can't feel it's presence (I feel like I am apart of the air)

Yes I understand that this is part of this dreadful condition or curse. How do I make it stop? How can I come back? How can this possibly happen? It's like I have been wiped out of existence. I have nothing. I don't know anyone. Familiar places aren't familiar. My body is super light and weightless (soul-less) no one looking through my eyes. I have had DP since 2009. I have had a few times of relief but it always comes back. This episode has been 2014 and the worst yet.

I find it's harder to come back then it was when I first started to struggle with it. I no longer remember who I was at all nor any memories very clear. I have lost all hope. I wander around without myself day in and day out and I just want to die. I feel like one of the most unfortunate souls to ever have been born.

I could just lay all day and stare. I am completely out of reality.

I need some hope!


----------



## Thisisnotlife (Oct 20, 2017)

I feel you! Remember you are not alone! It's been hell for me... every single day im fighting staying alive. I have to push myself to do everything.. because its just total nothing. 
I feel that demons are taking control my being and how can i even know when here is nothing left my true self. 
I can only give you relief by saying that im living in hell but i will not kill myself, i will fight and live moment by moment. I feel like i dont care about recovery any more. just total hopelessness.
How it felt to be like human??


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

johannatetra said:


> I feel you! Remember you are not alone! It's been hell for me... every single day im fighting staying alive. I have to push myself to do everything.. because its just total nothing.
> I feel that demons are taking control my being and how can i even know when here is nothing left my true self.
> I can only give you relief by saying that im living in hell but i will not kill myself, i will fight and live moment by moment. I feel like i dont care about recovery any more. just total hopelessness.
> How it felt to be like human??


Do you have the symptom of feeling like your head isn't there or there is nothing in it? I can't take this anymore. I am going nuts. I am not conscious!!!


----------



## Thisisnotlife (Oct 20, 2017)

Believe me. I have these every fucking painfull symptoms. Blank mind yes... But at the same time im living inside of my head. It feels like something is saying to me what to do and what to be. And its greating me lots of suffering. it is like only my head.. i feel that my own mind is only thing in this whole universe. And if i dont focus on my mind then here is only empty body.


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

So it’s like you can’t think but all your mind does is think. I can’t engage in anything. I can’t recall things. I have no connection to anything I am doing. Ever. I am just a weird body moving around acting....I act every single day. If you can even call it that. It’s like never knowing what to do at all times. I can’t experience any kind of pleasure. I could just lay dead all day long.


----------



## Lant_1995 (Sep 19, 2017)

i understand exactly how you feel. It's sometimes hard for me to even accept that i exist, given everything I perceive around me is false. I've been trying grounding techniques when I feel like this. I wiggle my toes and fingers, and force myself to count every object that I can see to maintain my awareness of the present moment. I think all the anxiety/stress has caused us to dissociate to the point of feeling as if we're not present.


----------

