# [Maybe Trigger Warning] Existential ocd being my last symptom of DP/DR



## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hey guys, as i said in the introduce yourself section, i've had DP/DR for 4 months now, after a marijuana bad trip.

I think the DR part was way more important than the DP (i've never really felt that my body parts didn't really belong to me, except maybe for some seconds like once a week).

After a really unbearable month (the DR was at this strongest, panic attacks everyday, the only place where i felt not to bad was when i was taking a bath), it became really better, i feel like i don't have really any symptom related to DP/DR.

However, i can't shake out that last symptom which is kind of an existential crisis, here are the interrogations that i have, some don't really make sense, but well (don't read if you don't want to get triggered) :

- By far the most annoying one, is that i'm wondering whether people are "controlled by God" and not really conscious or not (i think it's just like solipsism OCD, maybe extended a bit), i understand that it makes not that much sense, but i'm feeling like i'm starting to believe it more and more (that's just a feeling, being i believe a bit smart, i don't see how i could start to believe something that no one can prove, but still). Like "God" speaking instead of people and such... I don't even believe in God so i don't see why i think about that (When i say God, it could be aswell a toaster or a giant shrimp...). It sounds really delusional and i'm really afraid to start to really believe it. Everything people say makes me think of it, even if there is no sense... If someone says something logical i'm like "Well, that may be planned / controlled", when someone says something illogical it's like "Oh wow, that's not logical, so he may not be conscious"... I don't know if you really see what i mean, but it's like whatever anyone says, i still find a way to say "And if...?".
Can this one question be caused by DP/DR? (or post DP/DR)

- The second one that i have is probably even more fearful, but i don't think of it that often (maybe 2-3 hours a week), it's about "how thoughts come to my consciousness, how do i think ?", which makes me really frightened, because i feel like i could become insane because kind of a viscious circle which would come out of that : "How do i think ?" "How do i think "How do i think?"?" etc... that's kinda strange

- And above all, i feel pretty much totally lost, not understanding what is life, where are we, what are we doing etc, but that's kinda standard i believe, though i'm feeling lost everywhere which is annoying.

I just want to know if those will go off (or atleast, get diminished by a large amount, because i think that humans have to have existentials questions somedays) after DP/DR is gone, and if you guys have some tips to give me to make this a bit better (i'm on holidays, and i play much video games, it really helps me about the distraction part, though i'm afraid that it doesn't really help me to make contact back with reality).

Thanks in advance


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

I know that solipsism and existential ocd are pretty "standard" in DP/DR, but i'd like to be reassured a bit about those specific thoughts


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

You may have been a philosophy-type person before you became dp'd so these thoughts might be just a natural extension that got ingrained in your brain from the anxiety and panic attacks that you experienced earlier. Wait...that was god talking. What I really meant to say was....hahahaha. Just kidding ya! I don't think god (if there is a god) would want to control everything we say or do...what would be the point? He could do his own talking without us as his personal puppets. That would also go against "free will" which god so dearly wants us to have so we can either accept or reject him. No, we are our own true souls without any possession by god or whatever.

It is interesting about how thoughts and ideas enter our conscious though. I never really thought about that but I'm sure it has to do with incoming stimulus. Like if we're hungry or thirsty we think about cornchips or beer. We are constantly taking in stimuli and thoughts are just emerging electrical signals that we become aware of in our own language. Now it would be interesting how thoughts are conceived of in animals that do not have any real language so to speak.


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## 59Ballons (Mar 10, 2014)

100% agree... It might as well have been me writing this because it's the exact same way for me ... Except for the being controlled by God part. I think people with DP/DR have their own unique and incredibly complex dilemas and obsessions and fears in their own minds... All unique to each individual.

Over the past month or so (after a 4 month battle with DP DR) these thoughts are only remaining. I will have a really good day (forgetting about the issues, and living life normally!!) and a few really bad days (down in the dumps, not wanting to live anymore because of these bad thoughts). The good days are becoming more and more common... And I have to say that

1.) Ignoring the thoughts is the #1 way to get rid of them.

2.) Take a deep breath

3.) tell yourself that it is just the anxiety and DPDR

4.) one thought leads to another, and therefore more suffering... So stopping the first bad thoughts at first wil spare you from more worse ones.

Wishing you well in your recovery. And you aren't alone!


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

Indeed flat, i 100% agree with you, but thing is that i don't know, i don't even believe in God, i don't see the point about "controlling people" or whatever, but that's an irrationnal fear that i can't get rid of for some reason. When i mean God, as i said, it could be a magical goat, a toaster or whatever, i guess i'm just finding someone else "controlling the solipsism" than me (So that's kinda why the argument of "God created us to have free will" doesn't really work, because when i mean God, i'm not even really talking about any religion, it could be Allah or whatever else).

@59Balloons : Wow man, indeed that's exactly me... I have some days where i don't care at all, and pretty much enjoy it (it's usually when i play video games, since when i go outside, the thoughts become kinda overwhelming), some days i feel like i'm going to commit suicide because i'm too afraid to start to believe those thoughts, or find them inescapable (though i'm anyway sure that i won't ever commit suicide)

I'm trying to ignore them as much as I can, but it's hard, since these thoughts are about the meaning of life/free will etc which sound like most important things, and i kinda feel that the more i try to ignore, the more often they come.

I'm telling myself that it's indeed just DP/DR, but still doesn't help that much, i'll tell that to myself, won't think about it for 2mn, then it starts again.

indeed one thought leads to another, i was afraid of solipsism, then it became that (which to be honest is exactly the same, but well).

Thanks anyway guys !


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

Hey guys, sorry to up that topic, but i'm in need of reassurance... I'm still thinking way too often about these ideas (i manage to keep myself distracted during the day, even tho they come a bit, not too hard, but when i wake up or when i go to bed, they are really overwhelming), and i need some reassurance, if possible from someone who had kind of the same problem (about those questions, solipsism or whatever), since i'm feeling like i'm starting to believe them more and more (i think it's not true, but that's the impression)...

Thanks in advance.


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once again, annoying you with this topic  Sorry for that, but i really can't find a way to cope a bit or forget about that idea just for more than 2 hours... 
If you had any advice, and could reassure me that's it's not a delusion which is the onset of schizophrenia (to be honest, i was really afraid of schizophrenia on the first month of my DP/DR, i'm not anymore, but still wondering if that could be it seeing how this delusion is stupid).

But the best thing i could use is some help to cope with that ! Thanks in advance guys, hope you are doing well


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sorry to be that annoying, but i'm kinda really down at the moment, and i could use something like "hey mate, it's a normal thought to have while DP/DR'd"


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## Jurgen (Aug 3, 2013)

Existential/Metaphysical philosophy is all bullshit.

I have literally explored every single realm of philosophy and it's all just a bunch of people who enjoy living in their heads. The best part is that it all contradicts eachother.

If you don't like living in your head, philosophy probably isn't for you. So stop thinking about it.

Life's truth is to live. If philosophy helps you make wise decisions, go for it. But don't let it consume you.


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

To be honest, even though i enjoyed before DP thinking about philosophical stuff, since i wasn't paying too much attention after i wanted to stop thinking about them.

But now, it's like a real OCD, i can't stop thinking about that, i give my best, and everytime anyone speaks to me, it comes back... I don't know what to do


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## BMTH (Aug 8, 2014)

Pie25 -

This is my first post. It sounds like I'm in a really, really similar situation to you.

Last night and this morning I was in a really bad way. Constant existential questions and worries. As soon as I find some sort of answer my brain works out why that answer is wrong and it starts all over again. A REALLY bad way.

I've been reading the success stories on this site for the last hour or so and right now I'm feeling much better. I think it's knowing other people have been in the same situation and beaten this. Therefore it IS possible to beat this. **it's worth noting that I'm writing this as much for myself as I am for you**.

I've always been into existential philosophy too. Never actually studied it but I've enjoyed reading Sartre and Camus in the past and generally the subject has been on my mind a lot over the years - though in a healthy fascination way, not a morbid fear way.

Regarding your actual existential questions and worries: *I'm not going to give them the time of day*. Nor would you back before this whole DP/DR thing started. They don't really matter. It's your anxiety fucking with you.

I believe you and I in our current state aren't going to find answers to all this bullshit but I can just about see in the fleeting moments of clarity that I occasionally get, that the answers DON'T MATTER. They didn't matter for me a month ago and they don't matter to my friends who have never heard of DP/DR. For example, I hadn't spoken to anyone about this until the other day when I basically broke down to my sister. She asked what I was thinking about and I said something like "I don't want to say cos I don't want to freak you out" (just like your trigger warning), and she said so matter of factly "It won't, it's fine", which just reminded me that these fears and anxieties aren't real.

This advice (and as I say, it's to both me and you) is based on the success stories on this site. Distraction is key in virtually all the success stories. As is not feeding the anxiety. The anxiety is not real. It's bullshit. Don't let it win.

I hope this helps a little, even if it's just that someone is going through the EXACT same thing as you. Sorry if I rambled on, I'm trying to convince myself what I'm saying is right, but I genuinely think it is.


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

Thanks man, it's really helpful indeed.

The only thing that makes me afraid is that it's kind of a really strange delusion (i see solipsism like being a strange delusion, but not as stupid as "people being controlled by a God" (even if it's exactly the same)), and that i'm afraid to start to believe it (which wouldn't change anything except make me unhappy i guess).

Anyway thanks, i'm trying to stay the most distracted possible (and it works), but since i gotta study for some exams, i just can't, when i'm not 100% focused on something (and i dont manage to focus at 100% on them), i'm thinking about that, and exactly like you say, when i think i've found a logical answer, my mind finds something else to prove that its wrong.


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## BMTH (Aug 8, 2014)

I'm having strange delusions too. They're irrational though. I'm deliberately not going to say what mine are (bullshit stuff about the universe and existence and all that stuff) cos I don't want to credit them by writing them down. And because they're irrelevant. 100% irrelevant.

And I KNOW they're irrational cos I've thought about this crap before all this DP/DR nonsense hit me like a sledge hammer, and it didn't bother me for a second. And the key thing is I do get moments of clarity - that's what I'm calling them - every now and then. It's rare, it might be once a week, but it happens. For example I forced myself to go for a walk along the beach last week and I thought "fuck it, I'm going to listen to my music like I would do normally", so I put on a good song and walked in the sun, and just for a minute I had a moment of clarity. I don't know if it was adrenaline or being in the sun or the change of surroundings or what, but just for a couple of minutes I felt normal - and the thing was, and this is the most important thing, I couldn't even remember why those thoughts freaked me out. It made no sense to me. They were as trivial as they had been before all this anxiety started. And I've read other people say exactly that. Once they're over this shit and they try to think about what the problem was, it doesn't even make sense to them.

And then of course I went home and spent the next week and a half sitting on the couch in my safe living room driving myself crazy by obsessing over these weird philosophical thoughts. But at least I was in my living room where nothing can hurt me...... except my mind, the worst kind of hurt.

I know exactly what you mean with the 100% focus. While I'm writing this I'm battling thinking about that shit. The writing is actually a good distraction but I'm anxious about hitting that "post" button and then finding something else to keep my mind occupied.

Thanks for sharing your stuff too, it really helps me to know that other people out there are going through this as well.

P.S.

And again I'm deliberately not going to acknowledge your specific philosophical mental debate because the point is it doesn't matter - I have to give credit to my sister for making this clear to me. I was telling her about all my philosophical anxieties and looking for answers from her and she just said that it's all a distraction from getting over the real problem which is the anxiety.


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## Pie25 (Jun 16, 2014)

There's not more i can answer except thanks for the help man, that's exactly what i needed.

Yes, obviously it's pointless to talk about the pseudo-philosophical thoughts, since you can't usually prove anything about them, whether they're right or not.

Indeed, i often remember that i said to my brother one day "and if you were all robots, and I was the only one who was conscious ?", then laughed and forgot about it 2mn later and never thought about it again... Now i have been kinda stuck in this type of thoughts for 5 months


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