# It's getting worse. Quickly. *Trigger Warning*



## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

The unfamiliarity of things, and the people I love, and the places I've lived in for 30 years, and even my self- makes me feel like I'm forgetting my entire life.. Or worse, maybe that I do have multiple personalities and this is like, the transition between personalities or something? My boyfriend (my only support system) plays a game where he asks me questions that we would both know the answers to, to prove to me that I still remember it all.. But its as terrifying as it is comforting, because as I retrieve these memories from the file that is my brain- I don't feel like her.. or she doesn't feel like me.. They don't feel like mine..

I've seen a doctor twice, but I feel more disassociated after I leave, then I did when I got there.. I suppose that is the consequence of talking about this stuff in great detail? He gave me a book about disassociation to read, but it is made for people with D.I.D.. he says he doesn't think i have that at all, and he just thinks the books is informative.. But i struggle to believe him..

The doctor asked me tons of questions about my (very loving) childhood, and i can't answer. I barely remember any of it.. And what I do remember of it, again, doesn't feel like mine... It makes me think i hallucinated it all? Or made it all up? I just had a 4 day weekend off work, and I did okay, staying in the house.. But going back out in to "the world" to work this morning has thrown me back a million steps.. I'm so disconnected that I fear I will forget my way home..

I just can't go on like this. I'm so sure that I'm going to wake up one of these days just blank. No idea who, or where I am.. Im more terrified that Ill never go back to who I was.. my memories will never feel like mine.. My body parts will never seem normal again.. The world will never seem real again.. I can't live like this.. This isn't living at all. :-(


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## Guest (Jan 5, 2015)

Sam1814 said:


> I've seen a doctor twice, but I feel more disassociated after I leave, then I did when I got there.. I suppose that is the consequence of talking about this stuff in great detail? He gave me a book about disassociation to read, but it is made for people with D.I.D.. he says he doesn't think i have that at all, and he just thinks the books is informative.. But i struggle to believe him..


Your doctor needs to ensure you're grounded before you walk out the door. Most doctors aren't aware of this with dissociative patients but it's important.

I'd recommend telling your doc how you feel when you leave and ask them to ground you before you leave. That can be as easy as talking about the weather for a few minutes at the end.

Reading books about D.I.D. can be very beneficial for people with DPD. After all D.I.D. is just further along the spectrum of dissociative conditions. There are many similarities between the 2 conditions. Even with DPD, the mind can be very fragmented, hence the reason your memories feel like they're in a filing cabinet in your mind.

Can I ask what the book is called?


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## Guest (Jan 5, 2015)

I cant give much better advice than Zed already did, only thing i can say is be forceful with your doctor, you are the patient, they are there to help you. Not the other way around.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Have any of you ever felt anything like this? The memories and the loss of connection to them, etc.? Is this really all depersonalization? There's no chance that it could be something worse?


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

The book is called "Coping with trauma related disassociation"


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

hey sam take a deep breath with it all.. you will definitely feel a lot better than you do currently in time to come... its' gunna take its time. Think of it this way.. your brain chemistry is just out of whack currently, and it will take time for it to come back into harmony.. if we focused on anything for as long as DP makes you focus on existential stuff, it would seem weird.. no matter what we were thinking about.. just like when you say a word over and over again and then question why the word was invented in the first place... unfortunately DP/DR free people flit from topic to topic during the day as a normal human function and ours is just impended for the time being, stuck on replay and fuelled by high anxiety... keep living your days, filling them with as much distraction as possible (it will not be possible to stop thinking about these fears straight away) and i swear to you one day, you will feel completely different.. with only memories of this moment in time.


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

PS i felt exactly the same at points with my DP, my memories.. and it really helped to talk to people because memories are vague for everybody even people who are DP/DR free.. we are a lot of different people during life as we change, learn and adapt to previous situations and grow.. we have a brief outline of who we were, but it's never set in stone as we will always be changing.. i thought i could have DID, BPD or some sort of personality disorder too.. there were points i was gender confused (not that i wanted to be a man, but i just didn't feel like a specific gender) this terrified me.. but of course i was just over thinking.. what does being a woman even feel like anyway? haha who knows, but it's a quite normal to have only a vague memory of childhood and the past.. and to feel like a completely different person currently... you will still feel this way when DP/DR has subsided but you just won't have anxiety about it.. hope this helps.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I shoot pool on a league. I played tonight.. Same group I've played with for 5 years. The unfamiliarity was torture. I almost quit. I feel like there is two of me inside. The old me, and the new me, and the new one is replacing the old one, and soon there won't be anything left. It's unsettling. It's sad.. It's terrifying... I'm uncomfortable by just existing.. But now to exist as something new and unfamiliar? Something that has no connection with anything or anyone that made me who I was? I can't handle this at all.


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Sam1814 said:


> I shoot pool on a league. I played tonight.. Same group I've played with for 5 years. The unfamiliarity was torture. I almost quit. I feel like there is two of me inside. The old me, and the new me, and the new one is replacing the old one, and soon there won't be anything left. It's unsettling. It's sad.. It's terrifying... I'm uncomfortable by just existing.. But now to exist as something new and unfamiliar? Something that has no connection with anything or anyone that made me who I was? I can't handle this at all.


It will not be like this forever, keep reminding yourself of that. I have been in the exact same place, trust me it passes!


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