# Looking for advice and support



## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Hi all.
I've been browsing these forums for a few weeks now after reading up my symptoms. I'd NEVER heard of depersonalization, and was shocked but also slightly relieved there was a name to these symptoms I've been experiencing. I felt so alone and well...fucked up.
I had a traumatic childhood and suffered from emotional, physical and sexual abuse. At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with psychosis, chronic depression, anxiety and bipolar. I was hospitalized after an attempted suicide but fortunately the suicidal thoughts seemed to be situational and cannabis induced. I recovered well after this, and though I've suffered with depression, anxiety and bipolar since, the psychosis has been at bay and hasn't reared it's ugly head since, aside from lately. When I reached 17 I pretty much recovered fully from all my demons, and was practicing spirituality and had a really positive outlook on life.

Around half a year ago everything got too much. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just over a year ago. I had my son 16 months ago and he was born prematurely and that was an awful experience, I didn't even get to hold him until he was 7 days old. I went through a ton of stress and have also developed OCD. Well I suppose it's just Pure O, I have thoughts and end up crippled with anxiety through these thoughts. At the peak of this anxiety, I seemed to have a complete meltdown and couldn't deal with the constant hurt, stress and pain I was going through and it was as if my mind just blanked. I felt no emotions, completely detached from myself and my surroundings, my loved ones. I felt possessed by something else, almost as if I was on autopilot. It's like my mind is in a constant foggy state, completely blank. I'm usually an extremely emotional person, full of empathy and love and I even would tear up at the sight of a beautiful sunset lol. To add on to this horrible, frightening detachment, I had a complete ego death and objects starting to seem as if they were 'breathing' or changing sizes. I've only ever experienced this once before and that was when I was taking ketamine.

Whilst this was happening, me and my partner were going through an awful rough patch. He told me he wasn't in love with me anymore (I think this triggered my complete mind 'shutdown') and left. He has his own problems himself and I have treated him awfully in the past. I showed no emotion when he left. I didn't try talk to him, didn't shed a tear. I just didn't care at all. When he tried to talk to me, I just didn't have the energy to even speak. A problem I'm experiencing a lot it seems my mind and body aren't connected. I'm usually quite articulate and it seems as if I can have words, sentences etc. in my head but I can't say it. It's like it's always on the tip of my tongue but I physically can't talk. Anyhow, I seemed to regain my emotions and sense of self but every now and then I will switch off again.

I'm rambling on here, so I'll cut it now, just wanted to see if anybody thinks this sounds like depersonalization. I was attending therapy but feel it wasn't helping and I can't really afford it to be honest. I'm trying to practice mindfulness to become more aware my surroundings and myself but it's hell when I feel like I'm not at one with the world.

Any experiences, advice or support is massively appreciated. Thank you for reading x


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## Guest (Nov 7, 2016)

Hi Lellaboo,

I'm so sorry to read all you've had to go through. You've been through so much. It does sound like depersonalization to me. When people have a run of traumatic events in their lives like you've had in recent years it can lead to DPD. We all have a limit, and when that limit is reached we can shut down and feel disconnected from ourselves and things around us. I agree it can be hell not to feel at one with the world, which I think is quite fundamental, or should be.

Welcome to the site, and I hope you find it helpful for support and advice


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Thank you for your reply, really appreciate it.
That's exactly what I have read - that when your mind has had too much to cope with, DPD can occur. Like a coping mechanism. In a way, I find it amazing, like your brains very own comfort blanket :lol: 
But I'd rather deal with the pain and anxiety than this... it's awful. I just want to feel 'grounded' again. I feel so foggy and drained, so hard getting by day to day, especially as my son has only just turned one, I can't just have a breather from it all. All I wanna do is sleep this away.

This site has already been fantastic, before I even joined, so I'm sure it's gonna help me pick myself back up again. Thank you for your welcome.


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## Guest (Nov 8, 2016)

No problem  I know what you mean. It's frustrating when it's all buried in the fog. I'm not sure trying to force it ever really helps though. It's like we have to drop gear and slow down for it to start to resolve and that's not always easy to do! Not feeling grounded is horrible and so unsettling. Like having the rug pulled out from under you. It must be hard with a little-un to look after. Exhaustion can be such a major factor in these things. Mental, emotional and physical. Maybe there's someone who could babysit, if only for a few hours now and then, so you can grab some sleep?


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Yes, I'm going to try to take some me time and unwind in my passions. To be honest, I'm not so much exhausted, he sleeps a good 12 hours a night and still naps during the day, but you know, it's the constant running of the house, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. which takes up all my spare time to slow down and do things for myself. I meant I could literally just sleep because I feel so emotionally drained and numb, it's like there's nothing to live for at the moment so sleeping is 'switching off' and takes me away from my head. I know life is beautiful, I just want to _feel _it again. I have no idea where to start either, I feel like therapy doesn't work, besides I can't afford it right now. I'm really not keen on taking meds and other than those options I wouldn't know where to turn.

Also, another question, can DP cause dizziness? When I'm getting majorly overwhelmed, the room starts spinning and I've actually fainted a couple times. I'm thinking it sounds more like anxiety but I've had severe anxiety where I end up hyperventilating, vomiting and I've never got dizzy.

Again, thank you so much for your reply!


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

DP can absolutely cause dizziness...It wreaks havoc with concentration levels...Hence the dizzy sensation...

You are very welcome to the site...In time you will improve...Just remember that what you are experiencing is disturbing but it is NOT dangerous and you are not losing your mind....

The best advice I can give you is to destress your life as much as possible...Slow things down and be really kind to yourself and your little one...

If all else fails and you get extremely desperate there are medicine options that can help greatly...

Therapy can be very hit and miss when it comes to DP....

I have to admire your strength and courage if you are still running a household and looking after a young child whilst going through this...That is so brave of you...

The other thing I would say to you as well as destressing your life is to sleep as often as you can....Sleep is very beneficial as regards allowing your mind to get a rest from itself...

By the way if anybody tries to tell you to pull up your socks and snap out of it (friends, family,doctors etc) Give all these people a wide berth...Surround yourself with understanding patient tolerant people now....Avoid toxic people and situations at all costs....They will raise your stress levels and thats the last thing you need right now...

Please be good to yourself....I wish you well on your recovery journey...And you WILL improve in time!!!


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## Guest (Nov 9, 2016)

Yes I can understand about wanting to sleep to switch off when you are feeling bad about things, but that's good you are looking to make some time for yourself and the things you enjoy. Like Eddy says you have to be kind to yourself. What therapy have you tried? There are lot's of different kinds, and I should think your GP may be able to suggest something you don't have to pay for.

Anxiety can definitely cause dizzy sensations, and for me a sense of vertigo has always been the most difficult to deal with. Anxiety can play tricks and manifest itself in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways! You should probably tell your doctor about the fainting, but it could well be stress and low blood sugar if you are not eating enough.

I can send you the PDF of a book I found helpful if you'd like to message me


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## 99880 (Mar 17, 2016)

Lellaboo said:


> Yes, I'm going to try to take some me time and unwind in my passions. To be honest, I'm not so much exhausted, he sleeps a good 12 hours a night and still naps during the day, but you know, it's the constant running of the house, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. which takes up all my spare time to slow down and do things for myself. I meant I could literally just sleep because I feel so emotionally drained and numb, it's like there's nothing to live for at the moment so sleeping is 'switching off' and takes me away from my head. I know life is beautiful, I just want to feel it again. I have no idea where to start either, I feel like therapy doesn't work, besides I can't afford it right now. I'm really not keen on taking meds and other than those options I wouldn't know where to turn.
> Also, another question, can DP cause dizziness? When I'm getting majorly overwhelmed, the room starts spinning and I've actually fainted a couple times. I'm thinking it sounds more like anxiety but I've had severe anxiety where I end up hyperventilating, vomiting and I've never got dizzy.
> Again, thank you so much for your reply!


Hi Lellaboo,

Sorry to learn of your traumatic experiences. I've also experienced similar traumas and was prone to to "blackouts" although I've never lost total consciousness. These types of symptoms are suggestive of a shift in autonomic dominance, with a shift from sympathetic to parasympathetic dominance. It's worth discussing this with a doctor to rule out other causes.

I'm posting a link which suggests simple exercises that you might find useful:

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/11811498/ns/health-health_care/t/simple-exercises-can-prevent-fainting-spells/#.WCMTPuus-rU

With regard to the traumas, if you haven't already tried them, the Trauma Releasing Exercises might be helpful:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/52522-tre-experience/?hl=exercises


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies.

Re dizziness - I've had my blood sugar tested and my levels are perfectly fine. I eat healthy, take vitamins and minerals everyday and I generally take care of my body so thinking it must be DP. Gonna book an appointment with GP anyway and get checked, think my hormones are a bit out of whack atm. Will be worth talking to them about this to them, just feel discouraged because when I have been referred for counselling through GP (over a year ago, before I even experienced DP) my case was considered 'urgent' but I still had to wait 8 months for a letter with the appointment. I'm sure the NHS only give you 12 appointments free anyway, sure I read that somewhere. My Dad would have no problem helping me out with money but he already does so much for me, bless his heart, I'd rather not rely on him. He also has no idea I'm experiencing DP. No harm in trying though, just need to kick my ass in gear and be optimistic :-D

I have been taking the past few days out to relax as much as I can, car was in for service so I've just been indoors chilling and watching films instead of catching up on housework. Feeling a bit more rejuvenated, actually maybe a bit much so, woke up this morning feeling like it's the start of a manic episode :roll: 
Eddy, I'm reluctant to try medication, I always seem to be in that percentage that experiences 'Rare Side Effects', it's actually a running joke in my family haha! I'll see how it goes, if it carries on for too long then I will have to explore my options. Also Eddy, thank you for your kind words. I don't often feel strong anymore, it's so encouraging to hear that 

Phantasm, over the years I've tried CBT, counselling which had a wide range of therapies, hypnosis, MBSR. I actually took an online course in mindfulness beginning of this year, purely out of interest, I'm fascinated by psychology, so I practice that a lot. I'm sorry you experience Vertigo as well, that is awful. The other day I wasn't even feeling stressed and I was SO dizzy all day, any time I moved my head, was laying in the bath and thought I was gonna chunder, it was horrible, kudos to you for dealing with that. Will message you, that'd be fab.

Morph, thank you for your sympathies. I'm sorry that you've experienced trauma, my heart goes out to you. I'm not familiar with those terms, looks like I'm gonna be doing a bit of research now! Will take a look at the links later on tonight when little one is in bed. I recall touching on trauma exercises before but never delved into it. Thank you so much.

You're all so kind x


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## Lostsoul26 (Nov 9, 2016)

Hey lellaboo I myself am a young mom of 2.my depersonalization was trauma and drug induced.my mom died when I was 9 n my dad when I was 13.then when I was 14 I abused ecstasy 4 times until I witnessed my sis o.d ING on it in front of me.she made it n I believe she experienced dp to an extent but anyway after that at 16 I got molested n then later rapped while on xanax.after that I would binge drink n I basically did t care about my self I hated life.I hated me.well I got beat up at school at 17 by another girl n then was humiliated n bullied by other girls calling me various ugly names.I could not handle life at that point I was orphaned trying to make it on my own with my w sisters everyone at school was degrading me i wanted to die.I stupidly took x again n after that my depersonalization was full blown.I stared at my self in the mirror for ever feeling as if I did not know who the hell I was.n it was like I was just watching every one around me live I was a pair of eyes just watching.wanting to live but I couldn't I couldn't barely even talk to my sisters.I am now 25 its been 8 yrs n I still feel this way even more so now.the only time I would get an escape from this hell was when zoloft worked for me for a lil.it did not take the dp completely away but it lifted my depressionand made me more social n I had lil feelings of joy.drinking helped too to just escape.but my hangovers are horrid I have to spend all day n bed trying to recover.other then that ive been full blown dpd for 8 years now!


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## 99880 (Mar 17, 2016)

Lellaboo said:


> Morph, thank you for your sympathies. I'm sorry that you've experienced trauma, my heart goes out to you. I'm not familiar with those terms, looks like I'm gonna be doing a bit of research now! Will take a look at the links later on tonight when little one is in bed. I recall touching on trauma exercises before but never delved into it. Thank you so much.
> You're all so kind x


Thank you also for your kind words.

Sorry not to explain things very clearly. The autonomic nervous system is complex and its crucial role in traumic response requires a far longer explanation than I am able to give at the moment. Basically there are two branches to this system, the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. Activation of the parasympathetic branch when under stress can sometimes trigger fainting. I'm going to post a link which explains the most common type of fainting which is known as vasovagal syncope. There's also a list of treatment options.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasovagal_response


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

LostSoul, you ok for me to pm you? 
Morph, I've been reading up on it and it seems certainly possible this could be the cause. I tend to have adrenaline release right before it happens, I get nauseous, the black spots in my vision, sweaty and tunnel vision. 
I'm going to book an appointment with my GP today (means they'll see me in 6 weeks -.-) and get a physical anyway, will talk to them about DP then, hopefully they'll be able to help me this time. 
Thank you for your help again


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## 99880 (Mar 17, 2016)

Lellaboo said:


> LostSoul, you ok for me to pm you?
> Morph, I've been reading up on it and it seems certainly possible this could be the cause. I tend to have adrenaline release right before it happens, I get nauseous, the black spots in my vision, sweaty and tunnel vision.
> I'm going to book an appointment with my GP today (means they'll see me in 6 weeks -.-) and get a physical anyway, will talk to them about DP then, hopefully they'll be able to help me this time.
> Thank you for your help again


It's disappointing that you have to wait six weeks for an appointment, that's such a long time to be waiting.

I'm going to add a couple of points that were omitted from my previous posts. The first is that mndfulness is contraindicated for some people who have experienced trauma ( breath work has the potential to trigger the fight, flight, freeze response). Secondly, with the TRE exercises I experience visual snow for a short time afterwards, it doesn't cause me concern but some people might find this distressing, and it's probably best that I mention this.


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

morph said:


> It's disappointing that you have to wait six weeks for an appointment, that's such a long time to be waiting.
> 
> I'm going to add a couple of points that were omitted from my previous posts. The first is that mndfulness is contraindicated for some people who have experienced trauma ( breath work has the potential to trigger the fight, flight, freeze response). Secondly, with the TRE exercises I experience visual snow for a short time afterwards, it doesn't cause me concern but some people might find this distressing, and it's probably best that I mention this.


It's an awful long time to be waiting. I had to wait over a year for a referral to therapy. All the surgeries in my area are like this, the decent ones anyhow. My previous surgery I could get an appointment the same day or after, but I had a bad experience with a Doctor prescribing me antibiotics I was immune to. I was pregnant and had a kidney infection, and I ended up so unwell my son suffered foetal distress and nearly died, so safe to say I'd rather wait for quality service.

I've been practicing mindfulness for some time now and at first, it did panic me sometimes. I was warned this could happen though so was prepared, and since the first few times it's been nothing but therapeutic. I haven't tried the TRE exercises yet either but I'll keep that in mind, thank you! I'm not so easily startled anyhow


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

I've managed to get an appointment for today!
Hoping my GP will give me an emergency referral. I've been struggling quite a bit lately and am contemplating trying meds :/ short term anyway just to try lift myself out this funk. I've been reading on here SSRI's aren't massively effective but I'm sure I'll get them thrown at me. Thank you all once again for your help and will update later re appointment


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Well...my appointment didn't go how I hoped. Luckily, I'm to expect a letter within 2 weeks for a referral for therapy. The Dr however, don't think he had any idea what I was talking about and said I need help with my ' special psychosis'. He also told me I don't have OCD, even though I've been diagnosed with it, because I don't have compulsions, just obsessive thoughts. So that was a bit of a bummer too, especially because I feel the OCD has what's brought me to this bad place. Also have had so much trouble sleeping, so I asked for a short course of low dose sleeping tablets just to sort myself out and function normally again, but he said as I'm young (20, really?) I'm more likely to become addicted to them. I was given sleeping tablets at 12 so god knows. He was reluctant to give me any medication as he thought I was too young lol. So he's recommended exercise, which I genuinely can't bring myself to do atm. Like I have the time anyway haha. 
Fingers crossed though my therapy appt won't be too long, last time I received the letter I had to wait 8 months. Here's hoping!

Can't deal with even 2 more weeks in this hell.

Sorry for the triple post too, just need to get my thoughts down.


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## evolvingpsyche (Oct 20, 2015)

Best of luck with the therapy appointment!

Like one guy already said, it's a hit & miss for DP. The effectiveness of therapy depends on the chemistry between you and the therapist, the skills of the therapist and your willingness to be as vulnerable as you can. That means telling everything even if you feel ashamed and scared.

Personally for me going to therapy was the single best decision I've EVER done.


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

evolvingpsyche said:


> Best of luck with the therapy appointment!
> 
> Like one guy already said, it's a hit & miss for DP. The effectiveness of therapy depends on the chemistry between you and the therapist, the skills of the therapist and your willingness to be as vulnerable as you can. That means telling everything even if you feel ashamed and scared.
> 
> Personally for me going to therapy was the single best decision I've EVER done.


Thank you. Feeling pretty pessimistic about it as when I previously went, it just made everything worst. Then again, I was a young and an extremely stubborn asshole and didn't like anyone telling me what to do lol. Like you said also, I didn't connect with the psychiatrist at all, she came across really judgmental. Not exactly the type of profession you should be in with that trait!

I'm glad therapy works really well for you! Would you mind sharing with me what types/techniques you've come across? Also had a read of your blog - Love the 'Pain of regret is far greater than the pain of failure'. Need to keep that one in mind!


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## evolvingpsyche (Oct 20, 2015)

Lellaboo said:


> Thank you. Feeling pretty pessimistic about it as when I previously went, it just made everything worst. Then again, I was a young and an extremely stubborn asshole and didn't like anyone telling me what to do lol. Like you said also, I didn't connect with the psychiatrist at all, she came across really judgmental. Not exactly the type of profession you should be in with that trait!
> 
> I'm glad therapy works really well for you! Would you mind sharing with me what types/techniques you've come across? Also had a read of your blog - Love the 'Pain of regret is far greater than the pain of failure'. Need to keep that one in mind!


Are you talking about therapy with a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist? I've had both and to be honest psychiatrists aren't good with therapy. I didn't get much out of it but therapy with a real psychotherapist can be beneficial.
I don't really know any techniques besides being as honest as you can be. This is controversial but for me the trick was not discussing/focusing on the symptoms of DP but talking about your life in general, childhood, anxieties, fears etc. and figuring out what caused you dissociate in the first place.


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

evolvingpsyche said:


> Are you talking about therapy with a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist? I've had both and to be honest psychiatrists aren't good with therapy. I didn't get much out of it but therapy with a real psychotherapist can be beneficial.
> I don't really know any techniques besides being as honest as you can be. This is controversial but for me the trick was not discussing/focusing on the symptoms of DP but talking about your life in general, childhood, anxieties, fears etc. and figuring out what caused you dissociate in the first place.


Both. Sorry, didn't get specific. I didn't get along with the psychiatrist mostly, but the psychotherapists techniques didn't work on me. As I said though, I was young and a right stubborn mule so I don't see why therapy wouldn't benefit me now (hmm..I'm still a wee bit stubborn ) Yeah, I agree with you. That's what I was doing in therapy recently. Pretty sure I know what's triggered mine - a handful of stressful events a year ago. I believe these stressful situations have brought out some long suppressed emotions from my childhood - we were mostly focusing on attachment theory and dealing with trauma.


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Had my hormone results test back. Have been told I have extremely low estrogen, which after bringing up a quick google search lists a lot of the same symptoms as DP. Need to see my GP tomorrow for treatment.
Does anyone else have any experiences with hormone depletion and DP? I've read about testosterone being a potential cause but can't find anything on estrogen.


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## Nirvana (Jan 25, 2016)

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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

TMS said:


> i got you add me on fb taylor salsbury )


Sorry, what?


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## Nirvana (Jan 25, 2016)

my baddd wrong person


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## Lellaboo (Nov 7, 2016)

Well I've had my first appointment. Lovely doctor was shaking his head and tutting at me the whole time and kept asking if I take drugs several times over 'as that's the only reason you'd feel like this'
I'm distraught - I asked to talk to someone else and he flat out refused. Walked out crying and now I'm stuck...
If it wasn't for my son I would have topped myself a long time ago. Thanks all for your help anyway.


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Lellaboo said:


> Well I've had my first appointment. Lovely doctor was shaking his head and tutting at me the whole time and kept asking if I take drugs several times over 'as that's the only reason you'd feel like this'
> I'm distraught - I asked to talk to someone else and he flat out refused. Walked out crying and now I'm stuck...
> If it wasn't for my son I would have topped myself a long time ago. Thanks all for your help anyway.


I'm sorry to hear that  Although this seems to be the most normal response people seem to get when they go to doctors. Either that or "you have anxiety, here take these pills" and that's the end of that. So i wouldn't feel bad about it. It is what it is (unfortunately). I hope you have the opportunity to find some1 else to talk to!


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Lellaboo said:


> Well I've had my first appointment. Lovely doctor was shaking his head and tutting at me the whole time and kept asking if I take drugs several times over 'as that's the only reason you'd feel like this'
> I'm distraught - I asked to talk to someone else and he flat out refused. Walked out crying and now I'm stuck...
> If it wasn't for my son I would have topped myself a long time ago. Thanks all for your help anyway.


Asshole!!!

They are supposed to be helping people...Thats just sickening...

But dont give up...There are good doctors out there...


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

was he a medical doctor, or one that specialized in psychiatric medicine? because most people have no idea what "depersonalization" even means. regardless, he was super rude and dismissive and isn't worth your time.


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