# I have no feelings, you idiot



## ken (Feb 22, 2006)

I have thoughts though.

Horrible thoughts that just make me worse.
Life is nothing without feeling and everyone knows it. That's why it doesn't make me any better knowing I have this problem. Makes me even worse in fact. Every person I've met, every place I've been, every thing I've done - all rendered meaningless. The worst part is I don't feel sad about it. It's just me in a vacuum.

Yes, sometimes I don't feel that bad - normal even. But there is no continuity. Like a fish's memory. I recognise people, places, sights and sounds but I don't feel anything. Nothing is significant. Nothing stands out from the rest.

Spewing introspective negativity is the last thing I want to do and no doubt that's how this sounds - I know I'm tired of reading about voids and detachment. But what else is there?

I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that mental illness actually exists. It's your mind. Something that can't be seen or explained. All I have is logic and common sense. I don't want to put a load of drugs into my system again. So I just bear it - wishing that tomorrow morning I will be me again.

Everyone has problems but you know that anyone else's problems are petty in comparison to your own. But you say nothing because you know it's pointless. Or maybe, knowing this, you lie. I have to lie to myself because if I don't, I wouldn't get out of bed. I have to go against everything my brain is telling me because it's wrong. Logic and common sense get me through.

I just want my feelings back. I'm not a robot.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Hey, 
You sound really desperate....I can relate a bit with your frustration. Work in a job where I continually have to put on an act and basically....am being asked to act like a computer/robot. There is no other option. I'm part of the system. Life in the modern world is increasingly depersonalised, as far as I can tell. Even the girl sitting next to me feels like she's turning into a computer and she doesn't even have depersonalisation! I hate talking to customers because I am eternally cheerful and can't take on board their emotions...because I can't do anything about them. I'm having to give bad news all day, and it should in theory get me down. Behind the mask it does. But inside, when I'm delivering the bad news, all I'm thinking of is whether I used their surname or not, and whether I greeted them correctly. That's what's required of me. The really disturbing thing is that they actually prescribe that you should "sound disney". So you are simultaneously asked to sound affiliative and friendly with the customer, and yet at the same time, put them through security, refuse them access, give bad news etc. It's really horrible. I hate it. If I had the chance I'd love to work for the Samaritans and speak to people from the heart to the heart - I can hear everyone's emotions on the end of the line, it really unsettles me. Everyone's disappointment, anger, frustration, sarcasm etc. To deal with the dissappointments and frustrations I just cut off, emotionally speaking, and deal with it purely through intellect. I feel really bad and I'm sure it must show that I'm not tuning in properly.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

I see what you're saying but did you have to call me an idiot? :lol: 
jk (I'm wondering who you're calling an idiot..)

You sound kind of depressed to me. And that's a feeling! 



ken said:


> Life is nothing without feeling and everyone knows it. That's why it doesn't make me any better knowing I have this problem. Makes me even worse in fact. Every person I've met, every place I've been, every thing I've done - all rendered meaningless. The worst part is I don't feel sad about it. It's just me in a vacuum.
> 
> Yes, sometimes I don't feel that bad - normal even. But there is no continuity. Like a fish's memory. I recognise people, places, sights and sounds but I don't feel anything. Nothing is significant. Nothing stands out from the rest.


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## ken (Feb 22, 2006)

I'm not desperate, just exhausted I guess. Knowing what the result will be but having no choice. It's hard to have conversations with people because what I say at one moment is not what I think the next. So I end up trying to do the best for myself - eat properly, work out etc but with no purpose other than that. I've lost all the interests I had so I have to feign interest in things to appear normal. This makes me frustrated. The things that are supposed to make me happy and relaxed actually make me the reverse. I always think of the saying "No pain, no gain" because in my case it's "all pain, no gain".

I've had this for 6 years now and I'm so sick of it. At a time when I should be at the peak of my life, I'm stuck in a foreign university struggling through a degree I have no interest in and surrounded by people I can't relate to. And I know the reason! There is nothing that I'm passionate about. TV, music, films, sports, art, socialising - it's all a waste of time and money unless I can feel. Otherwise it's me in the gym or on my bike tiring myself out so I can sleep at night.

I agree, this world is increasingly depersonalised and it's harder to stay sane. The weak among us see fit to use and exploit others while thinking considerate people who can't do this either get ill or self-medicate. I really don't know what's important any more. Not becoming a crazy homeless bum is all I have right now.

Layla, you may be right  I've bad experiences with medication (not to mention doctors!) but since exercise and diet aren't working I guess I'll have to try again.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

I really relate to what you said because in many ways I'm just the same.
I think we beat ourselves up too much.

You don't have to like things you don't 
(sometimes you do have to say things you don't mean just to be polite)
but you don't have to feel bad that you don't enjoy things that you think you should.
Things are hard enough without beating yourself up for not being what you think you should be.

Living in a foreign country can be really isolating too. 
It can't help that you would be feeling different from the people around you anyway.

If you don't like what you're doing then you can change it.
If you don't want to change it is it because you're afraid or is it because you don't really mind it that much and you can get through it?
These are the things I try to ask myself when I start to hate what I'm doing. (and I _really_ hate my school most of the time)

If you can get through it then you're ok. when you get your degree you can try something else.


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## blazeboy8569 (Aug 31, 2007)

" I have to lie to myself because if I don't, I wouldn't get out of bed. I have to go against everything my brain is telling me because it's wrong. Logic and common sense get me through.
I just want my feelings back. I'm not a robot."

Wow, that is EXACTLY what I go through every morning. I almost feel like to actually get better you must brainwash yourself because what some of us are experiencing as DR is a higher consciousness, allowing all of these intrusive thoughts in and initially caused by one plaguing initial thought concerning reality.


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## camerapansleft (Sep 12, 2007)

I definitely relate to every single word of this.


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