# Recovering but I think I will never be fully recovered. My brain burned out? Help :(



## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

I need some advices, guys. I'll try to be short about my story.

25 yo guy, married happily and no financial problems, and I'm a succesful last year student with high grades. Had anxiety from 17-18 years after I started to be very aware of my symptoms and my mind. At ~22-23yo I had some serious problems with government that I was part of a serious crime, and was called to all kind of courts and I was very fucking anxious, panicked and high stress. i finally proved my innocence but since then I felt very detached, feeling outside body and robotic. Searched the internet and I saw it was DP.

2 years I tried to kill this symptoms, to cope it. I have successfully accepted anxiety and since then I don't have panic attacks, I'm less anxious, I sleep good, I study, I can be happy, BUT ! I wasn't able to get rid of the layer of fog, the DP is still in my mind, I can't be totally into the reality.

I started to read some recovery stories and books and I made some notes/principles I follow:

Stop being afraid

Stop focusing on symptoms

Let your mind alone (meditate)

Do not think about it

Break the habit of focusing on worrying

Accept yourself

Go to gum

You'll never be like you used to be, so don't bother the changes

Stay away from dpdr sites

Dpdr = negative feedback loops.

Do not associate existence with fear. And dont associate existente with strange thing but a miracle

Meditate (concentrate just on your breath)

I started recovery like 1 month a go. And I feel better, but in any way , CAN'T be totally into what I do. I feel anyway detached a bit, I know I am I, I don't have tunnel vision, snow in my eyes, or cotton in my ears. My physicals symptoms are out, I just feel mentally detached from the world and I have some theories :

1. I didn't get rid totally of anxiety and it keeps the last layer of DP.

2. My brain has burned out because of the high amount of stress I had, and now my DP is irreversible and I will never be able to be myself (Being in DP forever is my biggest fear, I want so much to return how I was before DP, happy and without of obsessive thoughts about my perception and felt every smell, every fine movement of the leaves on the tree, was listening to the music while watching the sky full of stars, It was sooooo good  )

3. It's not dp, just me and my mind being more "adult" but I can't get rid of these thoughts.

4. I feel "normal", like I used to be, but I'm not get used to the fact of being without anxiety.

Normal is strange and I FORGOT HOW NORMAL SHOULD FEEL if it is.

How to recovery fully if it's possible. I know I shouldn't search forums about how to get rid of it because I know how, but I'm very very very scared that I have a permanent form of DP, because even if for last 2-3 weeks I feel very calm, even if I drink coffee, I don't bother so much about some physicals symptoms or health problems, but this sensation of DP is not going away and it's not making worse. It's just STAYS in a low way, a thin layer that I can't break out.

Is it me being more adult? Does it normal feeling this way and I should get used to it ? Or my brain burned down? Or it's my anxiety still keeping it? I'm so confused with my mental issues and obsession about DP.

I don't know. I want to see a real case of someone with sensitive type of character and that went through a high stress , anxiety and panic attacks and long period of DP.

Is there a way I can temporarily switch down my dp totally for few seconds, just to know that I didn't burned down my brain and it is not normal like I feel now, and then I will accept my symptoms totally and will get over it. I can't apply the principles above totally because I'm afraid it's forever in my case, I tried them for 1 month and I feel more calm, better, but didn't get rid of my DP 

Help, people, I'm so tired of finding answers of my DP.


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

Do I really can get rid of DP? Or people just get used to this?

And how do I know it will not be forever like this? If I somehow will feel normal again suddenly, then I will understand that is a temporary state and will live my life and it will go away. But the fear that it's forever, keeps me thinking of it and even if I live my life, I can't get rid of the thin layer of DP and obsessive thoughts this disorder.


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

So, no one knows nothing ? =\


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

Sunjet, I have already talked with people who recovered from Dp and asked the same thing. They told me that the day you will be "normal" you will know it but not even thinking about it. Imagine that you are hungry (depersonalized): you feel you must eat and that you are not totally blase/satiate ("normal"). HOWEVER, when you are "Normal", you simply are OK, you dont even think about hunger (depersonalization) all the time. You got the logic? every recovered guy points this out, I think Fearless would agree...

PS: If you believe that you had problems in your childhood related to child abuse etc read Fearless's blog, it will help you, altough it isn't the Holy Grail of curing dp, not even the Holy grail post.


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

How do I know what is the source of my DP? I read the Fearless blogs, most of the posts, but how will I understand why Im repressing my emotions. 
Yes, my dad was an alcoholic, but he recovered after liver transplant, and he is rought sometimes but we can go out eat some pizza and he's a good dad. My mom is great, loves me very much. My sister is a hard one, but I ignore her.

But I think maybe they didn't loved me so much like my sister, and I was trying to show them that I'm good at something and be a perfectionist?

I don't know what to search in my childhood life, to understand what is my problem.


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

I recommend you read the whole blog of fearless. I f you dont find an answer send him a PM with that question, he is usually available. Anyways remember we are not SURE that you have a childhood problem that has created reflexes that triggered DP. My vision on this is:

-If you had childhood abuse problems--> go read or talk with fearless and other people who knows about it.

-If not (if it's any other personal problem)--> find a psychologist

BUT

Remember always (as said by recovered people) : GO LIVE A "NORMAL" LIFE ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE INSANELY CREEPY SYMPTOMS. I know it's hard, but begin gradually. Reengage with reality, and find a new Era/Stage of your life with hobbies, education, a new sport, continue an old sport, being as social as you can be altough you have creepy symptoms. It's hard, will cause panic attacks or anxiety at first, but gradually you will FORGET dp as the symptoms fuck off. Psychologist will help you doing this "Finding a new stage of your life" thing. Remember always to believe on your memories from the past where you felt "normal", those will be your safezone. Let existential shit come as you concentrate on LIFE and gradually you will look less to your inside (existential paranoia) and will look more to the outside (real life) , one day you will be Ok. This is basically what I've learnt until millions of hours researching and talking to recovered peeps. I am on my way to recovery, despite somedays doesnt feel like so. We only have, that we're certain of, this life. This is a miracle. It's unique. One day you will look back and say "that was a hellish part of my life, but today I feel peaceful"...


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

But what if my brain likes this DP, because no high stress can touch him, and it's in a confort zone, and I will never learn to get out of it?

When I think about the road of recovery, it's so long and hard, makes me sad somehow, and maybe I have something else, more severe?

What if I'm addicted to this defence mechanism?


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

I dont know why, but Fearless is very mad at all.

He said that im an old user, and that all the answers to my question are in the blog, but i didnt find them. 


> But I really read, most part of your topics, but didnt clicked the outside links and didnt read ALL your replies in those topics.
> 
> I just need a help. One of points i need to follow in my recovery its that I should ignore reading alot about dp and just live my life. But im wasting so much time reading about HOW TO KNOW if im repressing some childhood trauma, some emotions. And do my recovery techniques are different in both cases?
> 
> ...


Im new and just want to have some answers. Yes, maybe im lazy, and didnt read ALL the blog entirely, but Reading so much about dp, and causes of it, makes me going insane and even dont know what i have...

AND ITS MY FIRST ACCOUNT ON THIS WEBSITE.


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

Fearless, if you are so sure that i have another acciount here, ask the admins for my country ip or device id. Someone really upset you. I want to prove it because i hate when people lie and i don't find a reason to.

Why id want to create another account? 
Jezz, i thought its dp support comunity, not "read the books" community..


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

Fearless said:


> It's funny when people who are helpless, puzzled, lost and utterly confused are trying to play the smart one to look greater. Are you here to give advice or to ask for advice? You'd better decide.


Fearless I have been watching your actitude throughout many topics and posts and my intuition tells me that, despite of many good things you say, you also say a lot of precipitate stuff like this comment. This is arrogance, and I feel that it comes from your unsolved problems in your childhood, although you may feel you solved, or understood, or overcame them all. You assumed the position of the "Knowledgeable" of this website, but you must be careful with your approach, which shows arrogance. And that has a cause rooted on your early days I feel, and altought you say you overcame DP and understood it all it really seems like you didn't! You are not in peace, and the fact that you still walk on this website everyday working on your anti-abusing parents blog is proof of that. Relax man! Go see a psychologist, I recommend you. Hug bro!


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

sunjet said:


> Fearless, if you are so sure that i have another acciount here, ask the admins for my country ip or device id. Someone really upset you. I want to prove it because i hate when people lie and i don't find a reason to.
> 
> Why id want to create another account?
> Jezz, i thought its dp support comunity, not "read the books" community..


Sunjet as I said there are no Holy Grails man! Just try to find your cure. Go search for this user "Juan" he writes absolutely inspiring and uplifting stuff about DP!! Please do. Hug bro!

And it has a lot to do with your case ;-)


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

Fearless said:


> How can one be arrogant by a writing a post that doesn't even involve anyone's name? I wrote down a simple statement about a certain behavior.
> 
> IMO, arrogance is when you go to a person who never asked for your opinion, and say harsh things about his childhood and inner peace and such, because you can't accept his opinion. It's especially harsh when you talk to a person who have been beaten up by his psychopath father after a kidney surgery at 17, with a 10 inch suture on his side, and an urinating bag.
> 
> ...


No need for such a big explanation, Fearless. This is not a judicial court, this is a place to help others with our opinion. Your opinion didn't have the intention of helping me because the approach was arrogant. If you had that intention, you must change your approach, and to change that I simply told you to understand even more your early problems maybe. I was trying to help. because that's the ratio of this forum. You, sometimes, post here without that intention, and if you feel that you always do, then I recommend you change your modus operandi, which can be done by asking for further help, or maybe you can do it by yourself, I can't be sure! I feel that a good psychologist is always welcome, even when we are happy!

Hug bro!

P.S. Arrogance comes from latin word "arrogare" which means "to claim oneself". That's why I talked about the "Knowledgeable" thing!


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

Maybe! Let's see. I am sorry if I hurted you, man.

Hug


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

Sunjet read this!

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/49010-the-most-inspiring-piece-of-writing-i-have-found-dp-we-can-do-this/?hl=%2Bmost+%2Binspiring


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

Fearless said:


> Maybe because you have been violently trying to ask me stuff I already written down in my blog, and I blocked that account. Maybe...
> 
> Also, note that it's the FOURTH time you are trying to prove that you only have one account.


OMG. You are seriously confusing me with someone else.

I'm here for the first time, and on all kind of social communities i'm registered under sunjet. Even my email is [email protected]


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## sunjet (Nov 21, 2014)

sebseb said:


> Sunjet read this!
> 
> http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/49010-the-most-inspiring-piece-of-writing-i-have-found-dp-we-can-do-this/?hl=%2Bmost+%2Binspiring


Yeah, I have read that and usually I feel good for 1-2 days after that, but then I relapse again into this vicious circle. lol


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## sebseb (Sep 15, 2014)

That's normal. Happens to everybody. Keep on going! Me too


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