# Hard Weekend



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I knew I shouldn't stay at home for the weekend with my dad and step family. It just I haven't been with my dad and his wife for the weekend for a long time so I thought I could handle her children. She has 4 children: 11, 17, 22, 24. one boy (the 11 year old) and 3 girls. I get along great with the boy. He even really likes me. I'm also ok with the 22 year old. The problem is with the other two. Since the start I did my best to be nice to them but they treated me like a piece of shit. I learned to ignore the 17 year old and I don't get offended by her so much. We don't talk at all for some years.

My main problem is the 24 year old (she is my age). We also don't talk for some years but the difference in her case is that every time I see her something break inside of me. I feel bad about myself all the time, and when I see her- it's like she is a constant reminder to who I am. She has that look in her eyes I can't explain. I'm really sensitive to the eyes parts and can mostly "see" a person through his eyes. Maybe I even excpected for more from her because she has a first degree in social work. The last time we talk (a few years ago) I told her how much I hate her, and she told me how much she hates me. You know, I didn't do anything bad to hurt her, and I also help out her little brother. She hates just because I'm somehow different. So she asked me if I get along with people. It's true that I like to be alone but I can get along with people. It's just so cruel to say it. Then she told that I'm not sensitive to the situation of her family. That's also not true. And was she ever sensitive to me? She has her family around, have her father, close to her friends. I have none ( I meant I don't have a mom..).

This weekend she gave me this look of "what a loser" and I broke down and got extremely angry. I didn't know what to do so I cut my leg and arm too. I also stayed at home today because I needed to get my strengh back. I'm a bit sick as well.

Next weekend I definetly won't be home. I wish I had a different life, I wish I could be different.

One last thing- next sunday it will be 3 years since my mom died(Hebrew date. In this day we go to her grave. The latin date is two days after- the 23th). I think it also makes everything harder.


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## AllmindnoBrain (Jun 28, 2007)

I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain right now. I wish you didn't feel the need to cut yourself. As for the 24 year old giving you a difficult time, as far as I can tell from what you have said about her, she doesn't seem like a very compassionate person (maybe social work is not for her) nor does she seem very bright. Any thoughtful considerate person would understand how difficult it can be to be around 4 step siblings when you don't have any of your biological siblings to be with (I know what this is like). This girl being your age should, if anything, be as nice to you as possible because she should understand how you would feel like an outcast in this situation. I can see this being a very stressful situation without having this girl being so unfriendly to you. Sometimes you have to "kill them with kindness," even though it might be hard for you to do when you're feeling so much anger toward someone, but if your nice to her for long enough it will be nearly impossible for her to be mean to you, barring the possibility that she is a complete bitch. Also, having a degree in social work doesn't make her or anyone an expert in reading people by any means, if anything I would make a bet that you are more perceptive to what is going on internally with a person than this girl. I think having DP makes you better at psycho-analyzing then most pyschiatrists.

I do find it interesting that the person your own age is the only real person that bothers you out of the four. I don't think that this is a coincidence. I feel more uncomfortable with people my own age then I do with people older or younger than myself. I'm really not sure why this is, but I think it's something worth analyzing. Maybe we think older folks are wiser and therefore less judgmental and more accepting of people who might be perceived as being "different." The more likely reason is that we see people our own age as a constant reminder of what we should be like and because we are not exactly like them this causes us to feel, maybe, inferior or disconnected from them. If you are different from someone not your own age you can chalk that up to age and not because you are "weird" or "different." I'm just making this stuff up as I go, so take for what it is, but I think this is a possible explanation for why you feel the way you do about the 24 year old and not the others.

Take care and try to resist the urge to cut. I dont think your causing any serious damage to your body by doing this, the real concern is what you're doing to your mental health by cutting. If being nice to this girl doesn't help, just roll with the others, or maybe next time you go there you should bring a friend.


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

I think you should see someone about the cutting


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

AllmindnoBrain said:


> I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain right now. I wish you didn't feel the need to cut yourself. As for the 24 year old giving you a difficult time, as far as I can tell from what you have said about her, she doesn't seem like a very compassionate person (maybe social work is not for her) nor does she seem very bright. Any thoughtful considerate person would understand how difficult it can be to be around 4 step siblings when you don't have any of your biological siblings to be with (I know what this is like). This girl being your age should, if anything, be as nice to you as possible because she should understand how you would feel like an outcast in this situation. I can see this being a very stressful situation without having this girl being so unfriendly to you. Sometimes you have to "kill them with kindness," even though it might be hard for you to do when you're feeling so much anger toward someone, but if your nice to her for long enough it will be nearly impossible for her to be mean to you, barring the possibility that she is a complete bitch. Also, having a degree in social work doesn't make her or anyone an expert in reading people by any means, if anything I would make a bet that you are more perceptive to what is going on internally with a person than this girl. I think having DP makes you better at psycho-analyzing then most pyschiatrists.
> 
> I do find it interesting that the person your own age is the only real person that bothers you out of the four. I don't think that this is a coincidence. I feel more uncomfortable with people my own age then I do with people older or younger than myself. I'm really not sure why this is, but I think it's something worth analyzing. Maybe we think older folks are wiser and therefore less judgmental and more accepting of people who might be perceived as being "different." The more likely reason is that we see people our own age as a constant reminder of what we should be like and because we are not exactly like them this causes us to feel, maybe, inferior or disconnected from them. If you are different from someone not your own age you can chalk that up to age and not because you are "weird" or "different." I'm just making this stuff up as I go, so take for what it is, but I think this is a possible explanation for why you feel the way you do about the 24 year old and not the others.
> 
> Take care and try to resist the urge to cut. I dont think your causing any serious damage to your body by doing this, the real concern is what you're doing to your mental health by cutting. If being nice to this girl doesn't help, just roll with the others, or maybe next time you go there you should bring a friend.


Wow. Everything you said touched my heart so much.

I quite agree with you about everything you said. And I do think she is really bad in reading people. Maybe her age is part of the problem but she is also quite mean. She can't accept me for who I am, and the look in her eyes says it all. So it's a lot more than the age thing.

It's true though, I get along better with people who are older and especially those who are younger. I'm very good with kids. I like kids. They see you for what you are and not by the things you've got in life. I can get along with people my age too, the truth is people actually like me because I try my best to be kind, and I guess people see it to some level. The problem is I can't keep up this friendhood (I'm too different) so I stick to small amount of friends that I see as very sensitive and caring people. I have 2 best friends that I admire a lot and do everything for them. They are my only friends who knows everything about me, and they accept me for who I am.

I don't cut myself so often anymore. When I started with it I did it all the time. Now It's been like maybe 6 months since the last time.

When my brother come I feel much better. I feel like I'm not alone. And you know, I didn't think till now about talking to her because I hate her so much, but maybe I'll give it a try.

Thank you so much. I really needed to share and get some feedback.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

babybowrain said:


> I think you should see someone about the cutting


I think I should see someone about my depression and everything. I won't need to cut if I feel better. I'm too tired of psycologists right now. Maybe later on.

Thank you sweety!








Sorry about the mistakes. Sometimes I'm too lazy to look up for right spelling haha.


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## AllmindnoBrain (Jun 28, 2007)

EverDream said:


> Wow. Everything you said touched my heart so much.
> 
> I stick to small amount of friends that I see as very sensitive and caring people. I have 2 best friends that I admire a lot and do everything for them. They are my only friends who knows everything about me, and they accept me for who I am


It's my pleasure to help out. You made a reply to something a wrote a while back that helped me out so i figured I would return the favor. I have a similar situation where I only have a couple of really close friends who I feel comfortable being around. I think a big reason for this is because i'm the type of person who prefers one or two close and personal relationships to having many superficial relationships. This also explains why I have trouble socializing in big groups of people and do just fine one on one.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

AllmindnoBrain said:


> It's my pleasure to help out. You made a reply to something a wrote a while back that helped me out so i figured I would return the favor. I have a similar situation where I only have a couple of really close friends who I feel comfortable being around. I think a big reason for this is because i'm the type of person who prefers one or two close and personal relationships to having many superficial relationships. This also explains why I have trouble socializing in big groups of people and do just fine one on one.


I always like to read the things you write.









I rememeber that I could relate to everything you wrote in your posts, like it was me writing those things. It was crazy! lol We have LOTS of things in common.
And, of course, I'm also better in one on one than groups.


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## AllmindnoBrain (Jun 28, 2007)

EverDream said:


> I always like to read the things you write.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have an E-crush on you right now.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

AllmindnoBrain said:


> I have an E-crush on you right now.


E-crush? Like a crush over the internet? lol That's sweet








There are some cool people here that I would really like to meet someday. I still believe I'll be in America in like a year, maybe a bit more (if I'll make it through this year of course lol). NY sounds like a place I should def visit!


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Update:

I barely function last week and also the last 2 days. At first there was that issue with the stupid 24 year old, then my cold got a lot worse, then I had severe constipation and stomach ache, then I decided I have no choice and I quited Wellbutrin (that caused me the constipation) and in the last days I had/have headaches and vertigo. I missed clinics today too. I feel like crap and this cold doesn't go away. I really hope tomorrow I'll feel somehow better cause I have a lot of things to catch up.

Yesterday my family and I went to the memorial of my mom who died 3 years ago. My mom really loved cats so we decided that every year in her memorial we'll bring some doll of a cat. I wanted to bring some doll but my dad said that it's sort of Paganism and we shouldn't do it. My brothers and even my grandma actually like the idea of the doll so I'll buy one and we will put it later on. In the first year we put 3 porcelain cats that my mom had, in the second year we put stuffed animal of a cat that I bought. The funny thing is when we got there, we only saw the 3 porcelain cats and not the stuffed animal. Then I looked at the grave near my mom. This grave is of a 5 years old girl, and it's full of dolls,flowerpot,etc. We saw our dolls cat on her grave. We thought it isn't nice to move it, but my 87 years old grandma took it and put it on my mom's grave. We were quite in shock and we laughed. Hmmm... and that's about it.

I hope tomorrow will be better.


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