# Black Box....My Journal



## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Friday 22/06/07

Today I woke up feeling flat, but I was thinking about how long this has been going on for. I just can't see an end to it and it makes me feel hopeless. I plan on finishing a painting I have been working on to see how that changes my mood.


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

You should take a photo of the painting when you finish it and post it up here : )


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Friday 22/06/07 9:45pm

I spent some time trying to finish my painting but I don't think I will post it suz, not sure yet. When I paint I kind of lose myself, not like DP but its like my mind has a place to hide from all the chatter.
Frankly I still don't know what I/we are here for, what we exist for aside from just living. Are we here just to live?
What is our purpose?
These are questions I have been asking myself today and they make me feel..............Hm....................I still question.........if I am questioning then I must be here for a reason.............If I didnt question, what would that mean?
It is these thoughts that make me feel I have no control over my life, which is true. Because of that I have random Pseudo suicidal thoughts that give me some feeling of control back.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

I can't stop asking myself those questions, been thinking about them a lot too, mostly becaue of the music I've been listening to. I think the loss of control is true now that I think about it...


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

2pm Sat

This morning I woke up feeling flat again, I just lay there thinking about a dream I had, trying to make sense of it. I think its hard to interpret your own dreams because your unconscious gives you false ideas.
Like I said in my previous entry, I have finished my painting, or did I say that :?: Anyway, I have this curse, its called perfectionism. I am driven to do the very best at what ever I do. Its a curse and its a gift at the same time because you constantly push yourself to do a better job. This on the other hand is one of the reasons why I get a lot of anxiety, its also why I probably wont post my painting. I wont post it because I don't want any negative feed back.
I have often thought about what makes someone a perfectionist and in my case I think it was born by the fact I could never make my parents proud, things were never good enough. I was constantly searching for positive affirmation but never really got it. Even today, all these years on I still am made aware of the things I am doing wrong. I have digressed, what I was getting to was I am still sitting, staring at the painting wondering how It could be that little bit better. Today I don't have DP, I am just anxious. I make the mistake of trying to drink the anxiety away, I am sitting here with a beer next to me as I type and its only 2pm  I know that all I am doing is putting things on hold by drinking, but its another place my mind can hide from the chatter. They tell me the best way to deal with anxiety is to face your fears. I agree with that theory but I am still not entirely sure what is causing all of my anxieties, I am aware of some, but not all. It is something I am working on and I think a lot of them show in my paintings, another reason why I wont post them, I don't want to accept the way people might interpret them, they might uncover what my unconscious has been keeping from me all these years.

BB

PS. severed, what music have you been listening to?


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

3:40pm

Last night I had about 3 hours sleep, I started thinking about were my life was heading or rather where I wanted it to go. I need to get control back of my emotions, they are staring to cost me the things that mean the most to me. I can't show/express how I feel in the way I want to.
I have put a plan of action together, but all this thinking has just churned my stomach up and today I am feeling quite ill. No DP, just anxiety.

BB


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## Terri (Dec 19, 2006)

It weird really, I know what you mean. I am having exactly the same issues at the moment.

Jasmin.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

Hey Black Box, I've been listening to a lot of Mudvayne, and a little bit of Nothingface, both metal bands. I just find that most of my favourite Mudvayne songs in some way reference dr, or they have really powerful messages about control, death, god, religion, etc. Sometimes I have to force myself to turn off the music just to give my brain a rest from all the questions and ideas.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Dear BB,
I understand about feeling flat. It's something which reduced considerably when I started telling my therapist about it. For some reason the fear and shame and isolation and all the other crap that comes with feeling bad...made it a negative cycle. The more you tell others about the emotions you think will be least accepted and the more they are accepted, the more whole you feel. (IMHEx). I admire your honesty.
Rozanne


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

~Rozanne~ said:


> Dear BB,
> I understand about feeling flat. It's something which reduced considerably when I started telling my therapist about it. For some reason the fear and shame and isolation and all the other crap that comes with feeling bad...made it a negative cycle. The more you tell others about the emotions you think will be least accepted and the more they are accepted, the more whole you feel. (IMHEx). I admire your honesty.
> Rozanne


10pm
I agree Rozanne it is hard to climb out of the negative cycle that we can so easily fall into.
Today I feel like I just want to crawl out of my body and free myself from myself. I try and find distractions because they do help. I feel like I am in conflict with myself. Right now all I can do is go with the current.
I received one of those cheesy Emails that try and inspire us and it did make me realize I have to just let go of the past and focus on the now, the past does have some positive elements to it but all I can seem to focus on is the negative things that happened. I didnt really need an Email to make me realize it, it just made me think about it in a different way that's all. The thing is we all have a past and should just try to learn from it and not dwell on it, I am not speaking for everyone just myself really.

BB


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

9:30pm

Have you ever had to stand up and give a presentation in front of 30 people whilst you and on the verge of an anxiety melt down. :lol: 
That went well :lol: Actually it did go well, I was so close to just bailing out though, I must have looked like this :shock: :lol: 
I just started talking and then autopilot switched on and the next thing I heard was applause, I had managed to get through the whole thing without even knowing what I had said, fortunately I had jotted down some notes before hand.

BB


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Well done Black Box. The boy did good


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Why thank you suz :wink:

BB


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Today I am thinking about taking my art work to show one of the big galleries we have here.
Lately I have been showing a few people and I am getting some really positive feedback.

BB


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Ooh, show me! I love seeing people's art, gives another dimension to a person.

Myself; I only doodle cartoon people, and occasional sketches, but you have art you might be showing in a gallery?... You must share!

8)


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Hello suz
At this point I can't to post them online. I want to exhibit them first and then after that I will post them. I am going to have an exhibition soon, although it wont be a solo one. Part of the deal is I don't post any of my work just in case someone actually wants to buy some of it :roll:

BB


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Ah, that's fair enough then. Well; good luck with it, I hope it goes down well


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

> Part of the deal is I don't post any of my work just in case someone actually wants to buy some of it


Nobody brought any LOL :lol:

Ah, one day guys.

BB


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

I feel like I have been asleep for years and I am finally starting to wake up.

For years I have felt like a jigsaw puzzle, I had all the pieces but I was struggling to put them all in place.

I think a lot of people feel this way when the say they feel "scattered"

I have now begun to realize the once I do actually fit all the pieces together I will be given a new one.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hey Black Box that is cool that you paint. I have been painting for a few years now and recently did a few paintings that reflect how DP makes me feel.


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

I would love to see them, why don't you post a couple in the poetry/art section.

For me painting is almost the same as dissociating, I lose track of time.
I put everything into my paintings, once I was 3 hours late for work because I was so engrossed. 
I never really know what I am going to paint it just sort of paints itself, how about you, do you plan your work?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Ya I get what your saying. I try as much as I can to let it flow. I really like listening to music while painting and painting what i see in my mind when I listen to the lyrics. I'll post a few in the art section. Have you posted any of yours?


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

I sometimes listen to music while other times I will just paint in silence, its amazing how hyper stimulated your hearing becomes.

I may have posted some but I think I deleted them, they were to personal.
I don't even like to sell them because of that reason, they are part of me.


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