# is what i am feeling just DP?



## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

So i hate showers.. i used to stay in the shower for literally hours just singing... i'd come out looking like a shrivelled prune haha.. I have realised though that i never used to look at my body in this way before my category of events in the past month.. so that's probably why i trip over it nowadays.. but really... i HATE showers and i need to get clean somehow haha. I completely trip out even when my DP feels at a good place right before i get in... i go in its like instant DP heaven, a naked body i don't recognise and a very small confined space...so fucking trippy i just tell myself it'll be over when i get out and go from there.

Anyway I'm sure thats DP.. but for the rest of the day... sometimes I'm totally together the DP isn't bothering me and i get happy when its not there, but then all of a sudden i get this feeling of impending doom, and for no other reason but that i am conscious and inside this body.... its like I'm overly aware of my whole body and me as a person, i think of myself as a 'beast' like just a mammal... i don't think i realised before that i really am just a human body with a mind inside it, its so fucking weird at the moment.

It does go away that feeling when i am distracted, but when i come out of being heavily distracted (when you zone out a little) it comes back when i snap back into reality.. i genuinely don't know how i make it through the day at the moment.. it can be every 30 minutes or so that these thoughts come and haunt me.. really shitty. Like yeah duh of course I'm in this body i have been for 22 years hello release me from this fucking madness?

Luckily my thoughts don't escalate from there at this point, whereas in the start they really did and i ended up thinking i had psychosis, i tell myself of course I'm real or just distract myself again, I'm just hoping i don't have another panic attack cos that puts me way back to the start of things.

Why is it so difficult to comprehend at the moment? Even at times when i totally accept i have limbs and a body... i get that impending doom feeling again and its like why ffs just realise what you have told yourself, you are real, you are here, this is your body.

Is this just standard DP? being scared and lost inside your own mind, being scared of it being inside your head almost trapped in your body...

Its a very vulnerable feeling, just don't feel safe.

such a weird thing to happen to us on here.. and can't believe i walked through 22 years of life and didn't realise what i realise now just oblivious to these things seems like such an easy ride when i look back even though i moaned about fucking everything.

i don't see how it could ever go back to how it used to be after what I've been through in the last month or so... once you know something you just know it right?

However.... i hope i find a way to be truly acceptant of my being, or whether it really is just DP that is making me feel this way, once that is gone or gotten better.. i will just accept 'being' like every other person and be able to forget these things..... i get so jelous of everyone walking around unaware of the things that plague my mind.

Maybe i should really try and make a good effort to start exercising and see how i feel after that, i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, i think they may refer me to a psychologist and maybe prescribe me some anti-depressants.


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## Queen Frick (Jun 17, 2014)

I hate them too. They used to be really soothing but now I dread them. I normally take baths, they are better for me somehow. So I'll go days without washing my hair because showers freak me out so badly.


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## WILBUR (Aug 9, 2014)

I used to get hardcore vertigo in showers, the more you make the shower seem like the problem, the more its going to be one.. this may sound stupid, but try meditating before you shower, anything to clear your thoughts will help you.


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

haha i know San i do say that to myself when i go in the shower.. it's not like I'm gunna stop trying i need to be clean somehow and never really liked baths, so hey ho!... what are your views on the rest of the post?


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## jaiespoir (Jul 13, 2014)

Yes, DP can give people existential thoughts. It is really odd too how literally anything can trigger it. You can be totally fine one moment then all of a sudden you look down at your hand or whatever and you start freaking out. The best thing to do when that happens, or what works for me at least is to stop what I am doing if I can and just close my eyes and breathe. Then I tell myself that what I am feeling can't hurt me. If you think about it what you're feeling is totally uncomfortable and scary. But it can't hurt you. You won't die and you are not going crazy even if it feels that way. If you have the issue where you feel like your limbs are separate from your body sometimes wearing jewellery like a bracelet or something can help because it has weight and it's something you can feel.

As for the shower, there are some things you can do so you don't freak out.



Cihan said:


> There are a few reasons why the shower seems so trippy.
> 
> 1. DP/DR makes you sensistive to light, and since most bathrooms are nothing but white tiles with white lights, its bound to make you feel spaced out.
> 
> ...


That right there is spot on. If you can dim the lights, put something over it, or try to make it so your bathroom isn't so bright. It might make you feel better. Second, if you can leave you phone on the counter or an ipod and play songs you are familiar with and know all the words too. If you find that you have deep thoughts or are dwelling on the strangeness of your body in the shower then singing along to songs you know or focusing on the words in a song can help prevent those thoughts.

Hopefully some of this helps, I can totally relate it is such a terrible feeling


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## clockwork8 (May 9, 2013)

Hi. I'm going to try to write a fairly long response to this because I totally understand and empathize.



Jodie said:


> So i hate showers.. i used to stay in the shower for literally hours just singing... i'd come out looking like a shrivelled prune haha.. I have realised though that i never used to look at my body in this way before my category of events in the past month.. so that's probably why i trip over it nowadays.. but really... i HATE showers and i need to get clean somehow haha. I completely trip out even when my DP feels at a good place right before i get in... i go in its like instant DP heaven, a naked body i don't recognise and a very small confined space...so fucking trippy i just tell myself it'll be over when i get out and go from there.


I completely relate. I don't know how many other people it happens to but taking showers is one of the most likely times for me to get DP'd. I've had times where I get in there and just freak the fuck out that my body is juat there - It's partially because it's the only thing I can directly control in the whole world, partially because it feels really vulnerable as you describe. There's nothing protecting me from the world, other than my own actions... even though I may feel protected, there's no absolute guarantees, every wall and protection can be taken down with the right force. It makes me fearful about that. Also I tink it does just make it obvious to notice your own body. You normally go through the day probably not thinking about it too much because of being distracted by other things, but then in the shower you're just in this little cell with your body and there's nothing to do except think about how weird that is. I dunno, but I totally understand, sometimes I've had to get out of the shower early because I can't stand it. Other times it's not so bad. It's better when I already have a lot of other stuff for my mind to think about, like plans for the rest of the day or near future. It may also help to listen to music in the shower but I haven't tried it.



Jodie said:


> Anyway I'm sure thats DP.. but for the rest of the day... sometimes I'm totally together the DP isn't bothering me and i get happy when its not there, but then all of a sudden i get this feeling of impending doom, and for no other reason but that i am conscious and inside this body.... its like I'm overly aware of my whole body and me as a person, i think of myself as a 'beast' like just a mammal... i don't think i realised before that i really am just a human body with a mind inside it, its so fucking weird at the moment.
> 
> It does go away that feeling when i am distracted, but when i come out of being heavily distracted (when you zone out a little) it comes back when i snap back into reality.. i genuinely don't know how i make it through the day at the moment.. it can be every 30 minutes or so that these thoughts come and haunt me.. really shitty. Like yeah duh of course I'm in this body i have been for 22 years hello release me from this fucking madness?


Yes, I completely understand this part too. I just got this last night. I get panic attacks. It's completely random just like you too. I'll go a whole day or week feeling fine (as yesterday), then suddenly this thought will just come to me how odd it is that I'm just alive. I will get this fear of just being alive, and astounded that I even exist. And that will also trigger me to become hyper-focused on all my senses, starting to feel like my vision is flat, and usually think about how much bigger the world is outside of my own "bubble". If I don't distract myself (which is hard to do soccuessfully) it will often lead to a panic attack. Sometimes there's no panic though and the level of DP just lasts for a few hours or the rest of the day. Usually goes away after I've slept but not always.

But I can relate to what you wrote so much. It makes no sense intellectually, it's like... yes, I've been here for 24 years and things have always been like this, what is there to worry about? Nothing unusual happening, everything is fine. Yet it's so hard to stop myself from feeling freaked out by just being alive.



Jodie said:


> Is this just standard DP? being scared and lost inside your own mind, being scared of it being inside your head almost trapped in your body...


Yeah, to me it sounds like standard DP. It's still hard to cope with even when you can tell yourself that this is "just standard"... it feels so intense and strange every time, right?



Jodie said:


> Its a very vulnerable feeling, just don't feel safe.


Again, completely understand, when I get like this I always feel like I'm really exposed to the world. There's just my clothes protecting my body. There's just the walls of my house protecting me from the outside world. There's just air above me protecting me from the vacuum of space. It's seriously terrifying and I always want to wrap myself up in layers and layers of blankets and hide. I dunno. But like you said you've been living like this for 22 years and you are fine! Don't worry.



Jodie said:


> i don't see how it could ever go back to how it used to be after what I've been through in the last month or so... once you know something you just know it right?


Trust me, I know how unbelievable it seems that you could "go back" to feeling normal - from the scope of being inside of a DP episode, or even a day or two afterwards, it's just unbelievable. You can't fathom how you could un-realize what you're realizing at the moment, because it's such a profound feeling. But seriously, it can and will change. That's probably the most important thing to realize. Even if your own perspective feels all-encompassing of everything and you feel like there's no way out, it's not true. Despite the fact that I'm not "fully cured", I have gone several months straight without feeling anything like DP, and they were brilliant, I felt completely fine. Your own perspective and own scope of experience can change so much, it can really alter how you think of the world to an extent that may feel so axiomatic as to not think you can ever change. It's not true though.


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

wow. clockwork i want to say thank you.. for taking the time to relate to me on my fears, it really means more to me than you could ever imagine, that you can read what i say and bring positives to the table... the way i feel seems to change at the moment week to week, but still very much strangeness and existential terror, no panic attack for a good 2 weeks, but very close to a couple of them, just very deep self existential thoughts, and about other people's existence.. I try to hold on hope for normality and will welcome it with open arms, when i feel content and happy within this body and recognise my face in the mirror again.


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## clockwork8 (May 9, 2013)

Jodie said:


> wow. clockwork i want to say thank you.. for taking the time to relate to me on my fears, it really means more to me than you could ever imagine, that you can read what i say and bring positives to the table... the way i feel seems to change at the moment week to week, but still very much strangeness and existential terror, no panic attack for a good 2 weeks, but very close to a couple of them, just very deep self existential thoughts, and about other people's existence.. I try to hold on hope for normality and will welcome it with open arms, when i feel content and happy within this body and recognise my face in the mirror again.


Yeah existential terror is difficult. One thing I believe to be true is that facts about the universe, the meaning of life etc. are only associated by certain feelings because of our own perspective. Life may be quite weird, or may be meaningless, but that in itself does not imply that one must feel anxious or dp'd - the knowledge and the way you feel about it are separate things and do not always have to be connected, it's just an association we have made for ourselves some way or another. I mean, if that were not true, then why aren't all philosophers, theoretical physicists, people who think a lot, etc. DP'd and anxious all the time? Plenty of people think about the same things that give us existential terror without having that feeling - which would mean that it's our own pre-existing anxiety, not the thoughts themselves.

I hope thinking about that will help you, it helps me for sure. Doesn't make the experience itself much better, but gives more hope for being able to change and not feeling like I'm stuck being anxious and dp'd forever because that's just philosophical enlightenment or something. It isn't.


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## semicharmedlife (Nov 6, 2014)

Even though I feel bad for everyone suffering through this, I will say it is pretty relieving to know that I'm not alone....


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