# How do people accept things that ruin their lives?



## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

It can be anything, having DP/DR, having no legs, for me it's my face. How is it possible to delude oneself into being at peace with such a catastrophic situation, knowing how much better your life would be if it wasn't the case that you had this problem?

It's like I finally see through the lies society tells itself every day

"Fat is beautiful"

"Plenty of things worse than being ugly"

"It's about what's inside that counts"

"Confidence matters"

"Plenty of happy ugly people"

"Money doesn't make you happier"

etc etc etc. It's the sheer level of delusion that people use at any cost to try and deal with the pain and anguish of life. Why can't people just be fucking honest? Perhaps if people were honest society wouldn't function because everyone would be depressed. I feel absolute nihilism about life now and I really think I'm awake to these things. Life is inherently futile if you aren't in the top 10%.


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## WILBUR (Aug 9, 2014)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201212/is-cynicism-ruining-your-life


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## Guest (Sep 29, 2014)

We live in a totally brainwashed and deluded society. Just turn on the tv and watch the news, and tell me we're not be saturated in fear.. A person in fear is like a puppet.

Famous quote from an ex US politician.. "when you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow".

You're beginning to see the truth, and I think one of the amazing things about dissociative people is, we have the ability to see through the lies.

You don't have to believe the lies&#8230; just b/c everyone else does.. doesn't mean YOU have too.

Pave your own way in this world built on truth, integrity, kindness, compassion, art and love&#8230;


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

I like fat girls tho


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## Pyrite (Mar 25, 2014)

Midnight said:


> It can be anything, having DP/DR, having no legs, for me it's my face. How is it possible to delude oneself into being at peace with such a catastrophic situation, knowing how much better your life would be if it wasn't the case that you had this problem?
> 
> It's like I finally see through the lies society tells itself every day
> 
> ...


Best part is I thorougly believe all of that and I'm a hell of a lot happier for it.

I highly value things beyond appearances and wealth.

I've seen plenty of happy ugly people

I've had plenty of people enjoy my fatness and found plenty of attractive fat people

I can think of hundreds of things worse than being ugly

I would much rather be friends with a person whos good on the inside then a shallow douche who only looks good

Confidence dose matter a goddamn lot, there are a lot of famous and poweful people who wouldn't be where they are if they weren't confident

Money dose make people happier, but you can always be happy with however much you have

Rememeber, people always find what they look for.

If you seek misery, don't be surprised if all you find is misery.

Life is all about persepective.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

When r u ever going to get over ur face....life is not about how u look if that's how u feel then u r a very shallow person indeed.

Having a personality is much better then having the greatest looks in the world. People have always told me I'm attractive but u know what I'd rather have a strong sense of self, willpower and a great personality over fabulous looks anyday!

All people see when they look at me is my fuking looks and I'm 110% over it???I wud rather people see me for me and who I am then my silly ass looks???I'd rather respect for who I am then compliments for stupid looks


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

missjess said:


> When r u ever going to get over ur face....life is not about how u look if that's how u feel then u r a very shallow person indeed.
> 
> Having a personality is much better then having the greatest looks in the world. People have always told me I'm attractive but u know what I'd rather have a strong sense of self, willpower and a great personality over fabulous looks anyday!
> 
> All people see when they look at me is my fuking looks and I'm 110% over it???I wud rather people see me for me and who I am then my silly ass looks???I'd rather respect for who I am then compliments for stupid looks


I dont know if i'll ever 'get over it'. I had a bad asymmetric growth pattern throughout puberty, so i have a short maxilla and mandible and quite bad facial asymmetry, when probablly 80% of the general population in my age group do not have jaw deficiencies, yet I got stuck with it, even though I'm a good person and have never done wrong by anyone.

The operation to correct this is double jaw surgery with genioplasty and its in the region of 15 THOUSAND pounds.... where the fukk is the fairness? I have to pay to get a deformity corrected that was thrust onto me for no fking reason. fking makes no sense that I should have had to suffer like this!

Also, everything is about looks. I've seen your pictures, you can't even fathom the power you hold as an attractive woman. The social power someone can hold based on looks is an extremely serious thing.


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

I agree that looks mean a lot to people and anyone who thinks that good looking people don't have certain advantages are in denial. It's infuriating if you think about it too much, but there is so much more to life. It's just another example of how unfair life is- but it's not as unfair as it seems if we learn to love ourselves and begin to change our perspective.

I don't know you, but I know that you are not giving yourself enough credit if you are comparing yourself to any standard that is not of your own decision. In that regard, we all need to think more for ourselves.

Do you think you could be punishing yourself in some way when comparing yourself to others?


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

retep said:


> I agree that looks mean a lot to people and anyone who thinks that good looking people don't have certain advantages are in denial. It's infuriating if you think about it too much, but there is so much more to life. It's just another example of how unfair life is- but it's not as unfair as it seems if we learn to love ourselves and begin to change our perspective.
> 
> I don't know you, but I know that you are not giving yourself enough credit if you are comparing yourself to any standard that is not of your own decision. In that regard, we all need to think more for ourselves.
> 
> Do you think you could be punishing yourself in some way when comparing yourself to others?


I know the truth about looks and that is haunting me. I no longer even try and speak with attractive people, either male or female, because I know I offer no value to them, and thats the truth. Looks are absolutely everything, people would just rather not admit defeat and keep hoping, ah well.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

It rlly does sound like u have body dysmporphic disorder.....this is serious stuff.

Focusing on ur looks is not going to solve the deeper issues where u feel absolutely ashamed of urself as I said before looks don't give anyone an advantage ...perhaps for dating but even still u have to have a strong personality in order to maintain a relationship..I tend to date someone and then I leave them coz I'm afraid of being rejected or abandoned.

U seriously need help can't u go and see someone about this problem ...ur never going to get over dp without dealing with this.

The social power u can hold based on looks? Are u kidding ...that must be a joke....ur rlly very shallow midnight


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

Im a good looking guy and I still get horrible social anxiety.

It's all about confidence in accepting who you are bruh, not how you look.

I suck at accepting who I am and my past, so looks dont even matter if Im afraid to be myself


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## Sa-lB (Jul 16, 2013)

Midnight said:


> I know the truth about looks and that is haunting me. I no longer even try and speak with attractive people, either male or female, because I know I offer no value to them, and thats the truth. Looks are absolutely everything, people would just rather not admit defeat and keep hoping, ah well.


You obviously don't value yourself at all, not one bit and you're in this mindset of almost apologising for your face and your existence. Most people do not give a shit what you look like as long as you don't smell. They don't care how symmetrical your face is or how fucked up your short maxilla and mandible are, that's coming from you not them.

Not everything is about looks but everything is about looks to *you.*

That face is the only one you will ever have, ugly or not. You want to be accepting of it but do you really think this whole looks are everything, no one attractive likes me, self pity thing is going to help you?. There are plenty of other things that define you as a person and make you likeable other than your face, like not being so completely negative and defeatist.

Being attractive is not all it's cracked up to be either, especially if you're a woman. In all honesty the only thing it's good for is if you want to get laid.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

I wonder would anybody who is trying to tell Midnight to accept his condition swap places with him....I doubt it...

Unfortunately most people are very shallow and looks can be everything when it comes to getting by in life...

I believe if you have good looks you are at an advantage in life because people are more accepting of you (Especially girls)...Its shallow but true unfortunately...

Midnight I would get on to the NHS and see what they can do for ya....Girls are getting boob jobs done on the NHS all the time claiming they need the surgery because of their so called emotional problems and insecurity issues...What a load of crap!!!!

The NHS may just help you!

I have deformed little toes and wont expose my feet in public because of it...I cant even begin to imagine what its like to have a facial deformity...I totally agree with you when you say its practically impossible to accept and come to terms with such issues about ourselves....All the people on here with DP are prime examples of this!

The two things in life that society has decided are a must to succeed in life are LOOKS and MONEY...

Unfortunately most average people dont have much of either and so dont tend to get by in life as well as others who are either wealthy or beautiful or both...Did ya ever stop to think that most wealthy people are beautiful and most beautiful people are wealthy...They go hand in hand!

Societies standards are seriously flawed!


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Eddy gets it. I'm 23 which should be the prime of my life but Im practically a virgin, dp Dr has just cemented the issue. I don't understand how any of you can truly believe that looks don't matter. I wouldn't be suicidal if that was the case


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

OK, that's fine- who truly understands another persons plight? I think you have gotten all different types of responses here; some of them downright harsh; but ultimately the question you need to answer for yourself is what are you going to do for yourself?

Was the point of this post just to have people feel sorry for you, or do you want to make a change and start living. I hope you find a proactive way to make your life better. I didn't have your problem but during my teen years I was riddled with warts. It was horrible, and I thought no one would ever find me attractive because of it. Even when girls liked me, I thought less of them for finding me attractive despite it- I was very ashamed. I even had one under my nose, that made it look like I had perpetual snot crusting at the bottom of my nose. My friends would make fun of me for it, and I went with it.

I used medicine for it, and it didn't do anything. I started using scissors and cutting the ones I could off. When I went to a new school, I was so afraid of people making fun of me, that spent 30 minutes in the mirror cutting it as close to the skin as I could. Then the weirdest thing happened, and they all went away. A few years later, I did develop one under my ring finger, and in my dp/dr'd state I interpreted it as not being good enough to be married ("who would want to put a ring on that ugly finger"). Thankfully, I took medication for it, and this time it worked.

It's all stupid shit! I have seen some ugly ass people with attractive people. Clearly, not everyone thinks looks are everything. There are people who are looking for the right person. My girlfriend has an underbite, and plans to have surgery for it eventually. It does effect her looks, but she is still attractive to me regardless.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

retep said:


> OK, that's fine- who truly understands another persons plight? I think you have gotten all different types of responses here; some of them downright harsh; but ultimately the question you need to answer for yourself is what are you going to do for yourself?
> 
> Was the point of this post just to have people feel sorry for you, or do you want to make a change and start living. I hope you find a proactive way to make your life better. I didn't have your problem but during my teen years I was riddled with warts. It was horrible, and I thought no one would ever find me attractive because of it. Even when girls liked me, I thought less of them for finding me attractive despite it- I was very ashamed. I even had one under my nose, that made it look like I had perpetual snot crusting at the bottom of my nose. My friends would make fun of me for it, and I went with it.
> 
> ...


There is no way for me to have a normal life by the looks of it.

I am unable to get past this mental barrier. Atleast you have a girlfriend, I would give anything for some companionship to ease the struggles of daily life. I'm so depressed, i dont know how people arent suicidal without sex and love.


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## Pyrite (Mar 25, 2014)

eddy1886 said:


> I wonder would anybody who is trying to tell Midnight to accept his condition swap places with him....I doubt it...
> 
> Unfortunately most people are very shallow and looks can be everything when it comes to getting by in life...
> 
> ...


Because we've never seen unattractive wealthy people or poor attractive people.

Behold the mighty grip of CONFIRMATION BIAS!!!


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

finally met a girl, maybe there is hope


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## jenny_11 (Aug 17, 2014)

I have an asymmetrical face as well. I wonder if having one makes people more prone to DPD... It may be a stretch but maybe people with DPD are more day dreamy because the right side of the brain is larger or something... Probs unrelated. Also I agree that self esteem is more important than good looks so I've been working on getting more self esteem.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

jenny_11 said:


> I have an asymmetrical face as well. I wonder if having one makes people more prone to DPD... It may be a stretch but maybe people with DPD are more day dreamy because the right side of the brain is larger or something... Probs unrelated. Also I agree that self esteem is more important than good looks so I've been working on getting more self esteem.


I think it's totally unrelated.

Also self-esteem is largely irrelevant if you are attractive. Sure, you need a baseline amount just to function properly in life and to meet challenges, but in terms of attractiveness it's almost totally visual, a good personality is just a bonus.

You already look attractive so I wouldn't worry about it.


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## Jurgen (Aug 3, 2013)

I just can't help but laugh at this thread

I mean I understand what's going on and I respect it but ...

Are you serious?


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## Jurgen (Aug 3, 2013)

Midnight said:


> Eddy gets it. I'm 23 which should be the prime of my life but Im practically a virgin, dp Dr has just cemented the issue. I don't understand how any of you can truly believe that looks don't matter. I wouldn't be suicidal if that was the case


.... Really? Why don't you just join a gym and start working out?


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## WorkingOnIt (Oct 10, 2014)

I think he's bothered by a facial 'deformity' and not something easily changeable


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Jurgen said:


> .... Really? Why don't you just join a gym and start working out?


I am 6'2 190 lbs, good frame, girls don't care about body they care about face. Go and post on the misc at bodybuilding.com if you believe that nonsense lol


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## newbie101 (Nov 13, 2014)

I agree.yeah its nice to get compliments and everything... But it gets old. And annoying. U kind of get sick of it... Especially cause u have guys diving down your throat to try and sleep with you. And u want to be valued and respected more. Its really not all it seems like. I agree.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Your feelings are not your reality. DP makes you say things, think things, hear things, see things- and you FEEL they are all true.. That doesn't mean they are.... Same goes for yor supposed flaws in appearance... Be appreciative. This thread is just... Wow... Some people can't even leave their homes because of this disorder.. Some people have contemplated and probably succeeded in suicide... I wish that for even a moment of my day, I could worry about something as superficial as my looks. I have a large cyst on the side of my face, and I would grow a dozen more if I could trade it for some relief of DP/DR... I would grow a hump on my back, to go back to believing other people are real. I would gain a thousand pounds if I could trade that for my mental health.. I would do anything, be anything, trade anything- to be able to remember my life as my own, and not feel like it happened to someone else.. To see my wonderful parents as familiar rather than unfamiliar.. just wow.. Be grateful.


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## Queen Frick (Jun 17, 2014)

Saying that all girls like the same thing is completely ridiculous and rather insulting. Also being attractive does not come with automatic good self esteem. I'm attractive but I struggled, and still struggle, with self esteem issues. Honestly the disconnect of DP has helped me tremendously because when I look in the mirror I don't have the feeling of "ew, i'm so gross" and instead she the beautiful girl that I am.

ps. before anyone freaks out thinking that you're beautiful or handsome or whatever is not shallow it's great and everyone should be able to feel great about themselves.


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## PseudoEthical (Jan 2, 2015)

Because everything in life can be seen through a positive accepting outlook or a negative, judgmental outlook. One makes you happy, one makes you miserable, you decide.


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## meltdowner (Jan 14, 2015)

You just have to find the right person whose not shallow AND fake to say those things. By the way I never heard fat is beautiful lol, maybe you mean thick?


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Frick said:


> Saying that all girls like the same thing is completely ridiculous and rather insulting. Also being attractive does not come with automatic good self esteem. I'm attractive but I struggled, and still struggle, with self esteem issues. Honestly the disconnect of DP has helped me tremendously because when I look in the mirror I don't have the feeling of "ew, i'm so gross" and instead she the beautiful girl that I am.
> 
> ps. before anyone freaks out thinking that you're beautiful or handsome or whatever is not shallow it's great and everyone should be able to feel great about themselves.


There is an objective standard of beauty actually, every human being is attracted to similar traits, it's programmed in our DNA, it's simple biology.

*Indicators of health (clear skin, good facial symmetry)*

*Indicators of youth and fertility (wide hips on females, big breasts etc)*

*Indicators of masculinity for men (wide shoulders, narrow hips, V-Shape torso, low bodyfat, strong chin and jaws)*

These are all things that indicate how good we are as a prospective romantic partner.

That's why you find men like this attractive:


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## meltdowner (Jan 14, 2015)

Midnight said:


> There is an objective standard of beauty actually, every human being is attracted to similar traits, it's programmed in our DNA, it's simple biology.
> 
> *Indicators of health (clear skin, good facial symmetry)*
> *Indicators of youth and fertility (wide hips on females, big breasts etc)*
> ...


Girls aren't that limited in choice. Some girls like baby faces. But the real thing that attracts a girl is any one feature that stands out. Usually good eyes or a nice smile will compensate for ugliness. . Even tall guys to make them feel secure. Every girl has a need.

If all they needed was a strong chin and jaw you'd see the plastic surgery business through the roof.


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## *Dreamer* (Feb 18, 2014)

I cannot believe the cruel comments here. From what the OP describes he has some form of rather dramatic facial deformity. When you combine that with DP/DR it damned well doesn't help one's sense of happiness or confidence. More than one battle.

The two closest things for me is I have vitiligo (not as bad as Michael Jackson thank God) and I am a light skinned female who can wear makeup, etc. Also, I had a bilateral mastectomy, and you don't know what a nightmare reconstruction is.

What I have learned however, is what I see as horrible flaws in myself, I find some people don't really notice. But one's face is very difficult to deal with. Being 56 however, I have found that time takes a toll on everyone. Even "the beautiful people." I have found however that indeed, if one can find the strength -- and it is NOT easy -- to express all of you good qualities -- write them down -- you can still attract good people.

I also know this is far more difficult for someone who is young.

AND, it is true, a "10" generally seeks and gets a "10." Those who are "less attractive" will find an equally attractive mate. Also, if you Google "movie stars without makeup" or these awful things like "beautiful stars with ugly spouses" -- OMG, I find the spouses very attractive. In the end, all people need love and companionshp. And there are indeed barriers that make it more difficult.

I already know -- with no breasts -- I am CLEARLY less attractive to most men. It is obvious. It pisses me off. I can't do a damned thing about it. And no this is not body dysmorphia either.

I think Midnight -- were you the OP? -- if you can, do try to focus on all of your positive attributes. ALL of them. You have something to offer. And this is interesting. If I can find the link. I am a member of a group called "Flat and Fabulous." And I'll give a very stunning link to "The Scar Project" -- women with breast cancer scars, etc. and men as well, and men with other injuries. Such people find love. One can only try. I know of husbands who have left their wives for having no breasts. But I know many who still love them dearly.

And personally, I'd rather have no brain disorder, and have all the rest. Literally. I feel if I didn't have my depression and DP/DR and anxiety, my sense of not being feminine would be less of a burden. The more you socialize, I truly believe the more you can find good people. And don't expect someone to come along right away. It takes time. Just find someone and go from there.

I'll find the link to the scar project.

Initially, when I looked in the mirror after my surgery, I burst into tears -- I do that far less as the years have passed. Four years a survivor, I am not as bothered by this. There is a degree of acceptance, and you also find those who can look past an exterior. But don't think I haven't felt suicidal since my surgeries. I also had a hysterectomy. I feel so much less feminine than I have ever felt in my life. I haven't found ANY fellow survivors who don't feel the same as I do. Even if their husbands or boyfriends still love them.

Godspeed. I hope this isn't lame.


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## *Dreamer* (Feb 18, 2014)

http://thescarproject.org/

My chest looks like the woman on the first page. I don't want to go through 2 years of agony to fix that. I'm just glad my cancer is gone. But I have not shown this to a man since the surgery. I can understand in that way.

I can't find on the site ... this photographer is doing photos of Veterans with terrible war injuries, etc.

Also, there are a group of women who in India have had acid thrown in their faces. Men do that there if they feel rejected by a woman. My heart breaks for them. But the young woman who speaks up against acid attacks, Laxmi Saa has a boyfriend. He loves her strength. But NOT men would want to be with her and not all women who have survived these attacks are at all confident. They are depressed and lost.


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## *Dreamer* (Feb 18, 2014)

I also think, more mature people, mature in their minds, or from age, realize what is important in life. To Hell with thoes who don't. That's about all you can do. Say F it to those people. Just in your own mind and move on. I know, easier said than done.

Answer to your question. I try to control everything. I have come to understand we can't control ANYTHING, save plan for the future in a sensible way -- financially, etc.

If you can find RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, a part of CBT or DBT ... that is a type of therapy. Also, maybe have a look at the book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Zen Buddhist Thich Nhat Hahn. He has written many books.

We all suffer, all of us in some way. Save maybe some of "the beautiful people." We have no control over that. It is best to stop fighting that. THough I I know it is not easy.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Thanks Dreamer.

To the average layperson I look normal (ish)



http://imgur.com/umUBOlv


I just need to get double jaw surgery with rotation and rhinoplasty to be 'fixed'


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## *Dreamer* (Feb 18, 2014)

Midnight ... you may have more surgeries ahead, but I have faith you will have greater confidence as time goes on. I do, even though I am actually furious at how I look. And I still have to believe that someone is out there -- who has his own issues. Someone with empathy. Also, I think you ARE being too hard on yourself. But I have been as well. BE YOURSELF.

And also, re: the photos of the good looking dude above. Personally, I don't find him attractive -- he is "too pretty" -- I don't see character in his face. And for example don't find Tom Cruise "my type." Women look at "the entire picture." And again, compatibility and communication are key.

I had a massive crush on actor Philp Seymour Hoffman. Briliant actor, may he R.I.P. He was considered a character actor, and not a leading man. Not attractive to many women. For me, even if he could have lost weight!, I would have been happy to be his partner in a heartbeat. He was also honest about his personal demons. I like that. Flat out honesty. I really miss him. Met him one time years ago.


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## *Dreamer* (Feb 18, 2014)




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