# Seriously bad feelings stuck through recovery



## genevieve (Jul 27, 2014)

Hi Guys,

I have suffered from depersonalization, derealization, general anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD ( some kind of it ) and depression for about 2 years now. I will not give you my full story about what exactly happened to me that day, however weed was the trigger plus I was going through a stressful time at school.

I was only 16 when it happened to me, and I must say whoever's out there no matter how young you are I know that what you're going through is the most terrible thing in the universe.

It's very important in this process not to petty yourself, because im not sorry for you and you should not be either. I know it hurts like hell, literally, however you have to stand up and tell your self to shut up. You have to be hard hard on yourself.

Try to imagine that from one moment to another you have lost everything, like your life has been broken into a thousand pieces and it feels totally unfixable. That was what I felt the morning after I had been smoking weed. I seriously thought I was going to die when i went to sleep. I had like thunder in my legs, I was shaking and my mind was thinking a million thoughts in one second like you see in movies before they die. It was extremely fucking scary. That has been one of my worst emotional experiences ever.

I live in Denmark and I have tried to get help from a lot of psychologists and so, however these conditions and especially the dp and dr parts are very unknown and undiscussed in Denmark. They all just told me that I suffered from anxiety, however i know now that this IS anxiety in a totally other way than the ''normal'' anxiety that a lot of people suffer from. People with the usual panic attacks that have never suffered from dp and dr really don't know how scary the panic is for us or at least for me. Is't like having a panic attack inside of your brain, like totally in your thoughts. The entire world around you sort of disappears and the only thing you feel and focus on is how the world you are in get's more and more detached from you and the reality. And yes, i do shiver, i do get sweaty and my heart starts beating faster, however that is not the worst part of a panic attack for me, it's the brain part.

DP feels terrible. When you look in the mirror it's not you. After two years i still can't recognize myself in the mirror. If i think about it my voice is not my voice, my hands are not my hands. My actions are not my actions. DP is just like a poisonous snake that destroys your identity and the way you look at yourself.

A feeling that I found and still find very scary and annoying is that my feelings and emotional connections to people and expesially my family from one moment to another were totally gone. They just disappeared. The scary part with all these fucked up symptoms is that you know what you are suppose to feel like, you know that what you are going through isn't normal at all.

For me it was extremely overwhelming and uncomfortable to have eye contact with people. It felt like when i looked into their eyes I could in a weird way feel them again, which made me anxious. I still suffer from these symptoms however I have improved and recovered a bit, in the way that have learned to control some of my fears, which actually is just my thoughts.

Throughout this whole period of time, I have felt and still feel almost all the time that my eyes are like really heavy and sick. They have been checked and they are very healthy and normal which makes me even more anxious. Again, i know it's not normal and i know why i feel like that.

After a couple of months with these hell alike feelings I became very depressed and sad, I thought at that moment that I had a depression and I might have had a little one. I know now that what i felt by then was sadness but the extreme existential lost and lonely feeling that I had about a month ago was seriously the worst sort of depression ever. I was unable to feel anything, the only feeling I felt besides the anxiety was that unexplainable lonely and lost feeling. The only way to get better when you feel like that is by doing things you used to love. Being social is my best advice while your feeling this, that is somehow also the most difficult thing because you know that when you go to see you friends you are unable to really focus on them and the things you're doing. You can't really be their with them in the moment no matter how much you want to.

I have also had suicidal thoughts. I have been afraid of what i might do to my self if I suddenly was out of control. When I sleep at night i sometimes just see these ugly and scary human faces when i close my eyes. I see people in my head that i have never seen before, and there can be many of them . Then I open my eyes and tell my self to shut up.

I also still can't feel moods, like christmas and new years eve and stuff like that. For instance it feels like i can watch a funny movie and maybe laugh a bit, but when it's over I have forgotten how I felt and I can't connect to the feelings i felt when i watched it. Another bad thing is that you find it very difficult to concentrate 100 percent and if you force yourself to concentrate, it could be in a test, painting or reading etc. when you stop concentrating you might feel very detached and anxious. My best advice to this is actually by learning yourself that when you concentrate the world is exactly the same when you stop concentrating. What I did and still do is I stop throughout a test for instance and for a very short time I just sit and feel the room and try to have normal thoughts about friends and stuff, and I continue doing that a few times. By that you don't get sort of a little chock when you ''wake up''. I don't know if any of you have ever felt that way but if you have I hope you can use my advice.

It is very important to continue life when you start feeling the anxiety. It is unexplainably hard, I know that trust me, however you have to fight! Im not out of it and I don't know if I'll ever be, but I have improved and I will not give up. For me I very fast figured out what I could do to feel better. I listened to music all and literally all the time, it helped me escape from my thoughts about my condition. I still listen to music everyday just not as much as I used to. I was also wearing sunglasses all the time the first year or so, because it made me feel safe from the world my eyes could see.

Alcohol was not at all a part of my life the first year, I felt high and drunk when I drank, however my thoughts stayed logic which made me more anxious. Then a friend told that if i drank enough i would become to stupid to worry about my condition. I became drunk and more drunk and I figured he was right. It wasn't extremely funny to be drunk, I had a bad feeling but it was nicer than being sober and feeling the dp. So I bagan drinking a bit at parties and so.

My hangovers lasted and still last for a longer time than normal. Today I drink a little less than my friends because if I get really extremely drunk I fear that I will never wake up again if I go to sleep. After a party I feel all the symptoms a lot more, or maybe they are just more intense. The only thing I feel able to do is lying in my bed and watch television.

It is important to know that alcohol eases the problems a little bit, but as a lot of other things it is a bad habit that you need to control.

Everyday is a fight. It doesn't feel like living it feels like surviving. It is the most lonely and empty thing because you are fighting it alone and nobody understands. It feels like it will never go away for good. It is like hell. It feels like you are a walking dead, like a robot.

I don''t feel good, I don't live a happy life cause I'm not really here. It's so weird to explain. Everyday is a fight and not a life. It is there constantly, it never really disappears. Apart from that I am better now than 2 years ago. I have improved a lot.

* I sleep on my own now

* I provoke my anxiety

* I party and drink now

* I'm way more social now

* I can stay home alone

* My condition is not my first thought in the morning anymore

The problem with people who write in about their own recovery stories is, that you might get stressed, I know I do, because what helped them recover didn't help me. I have figured that it is sometimes good to read these posts, but it is only your body and you who can find the right solution for yourself. You have to accept that.

As mentioned I haven't recovered 100 percent at all, I still suffer from all these and a lot of other symptoms, the difference now is just that I'm not afraid anymore. Now it feels like I'm getting nowhere. I stand totally still mentally but I'm not afraid. I thought it would get better when you aren't afraid no more. I guess it just takes time. I hope and I really wish more than anything that I someday get my life back.

There is a feeling in life that everyone have felt even children. It's the feeling that says '' there's just nothing to do about it, I'm sorry'' and that is the most cynical feeling. You are completely powerless. That feeling is a devil especially when you feel so fucked up and you really need help. There's just no justice. It feels unfair, unbearable and like a labyrinth without an end.

'

- Try to become friends with that feeling, then it won't feel as bad.

My best advice right now is -->

* Be tough on yourself

* try everyday to accept it

* get help as the first ting when you feel this

( I didn't get help until 8 months after it happened, that's way too long )

* keep on fighting! Every second is worth it

* be active with others. Not alone, it doesn't work as good

* Don't take medication. ( that's individual of course ) I don't believe that's the only way out

* Believe in yourself. what you do is right for you

* don't petty yourself. never! ever! seriously.

And remember this is a fight thats only between you and you, which means you are the only person who can make you feel permanent improvements. Yes, a psychologist might give you some good advice, however you have to do the hard work and follow the advice.

- love


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## CloudyAir223 (Jul 28, 2014)

man this hell speaks to me, i'm 16 at the moment and has seriously fucked up my whole life. I used to be so social and able to talk to anyone.

I found the best way to cope was finding a past version of yourself and pretend to be them. it nearly worked for me, for a whole month I felt cured until I started thinking about it.

best luck to you and everyone! never give up!


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