# my story- cant "grasp" reality



## sturner_ (Feb 28, 2012)

Hey! im 18 and have been dealing with DP for about 3 years... i think..

when i was about 14 i felt the effects of marijuana for the first time.... it was like nothing i have ever experienced before... for a split second... multiple seconds in a row i felt like i was in a bubble.. or a dream.. or what i was doing was not "right". the most effective way i could describe it was that it was very hard to grasp "reality" like my brain just couldn't hold on to it. Anyways, after that moment i just concluded that this is what being "high" felt like... i continued for about a year because i was surrounded by it.. i never really enjoyed it but did it socially. i stopped doing it because i just wasn't quite interested anymore. Then the day came where it all came crashing down. It was about 2 years later, i was about 15-16 and i was getting ready for a party. i was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and all of a sudden that feeling rushed over me, it felt physical like something was actually going through me for only a moment which made me feel completely like i was in a dream and light headed and hard to grasp "reality". it took a while to actually form that description because it would happen so quickly i didnt even know what to say... the thing was though that when it would happen for only a split second, it would happen again OVER and OVER and OVER again for about a half hour at a time where it physically felt like something was oercomming my mind and i had no clue what was going on.

-the thing that scared me the most was that it felt EXACTLY like that very first time i felt the effects of marijuana. that was what was so bizzarre to me, i hadnt smoked anything, done any drugs or drank anything and yet this feeling was overcoming me completely.

anyways so that night, i tried to keep telling myself it was fine, i was just drowsy and it would go away so i tried to get through that night as sturdy and as normal as possible... but little did i know that was just the beginning

as most of you may know, thinking about it, induces it. you dont want to think about it because youre so TERRIFIED that the feeling will happen again, but that fear only makes you think about it again and it induces it, which makes you not want to think about it, so you tru and try not to which only keeps it in your head longer (ITS A VICIOUS CIRCLE!!!)

so from that point onwards i missed about 2 weeks of school because I FELT LIKE I WAS LOSING MY MIND. i was in tears every day just trying to grasp my reality.. i couldnt do it anymore.. i constantly felt like i was floating. this "feeling" would happen in episodes over and over and over again in intervals.

i finally went to the doctors, they gave me blood tests to test me for anemia because apparently feeling like in a "dream state" is a symptom of anemia... but it results came back negative and i needed answers.. so i went a therapist within the hospital and told her all of my symptoms while on the verge of tears. i said i just simply could not do it anymore.

after a couple sessions, she finally concluded that what i was experiencing was "depersonalization" or "derealization", she explained that it was somewhat of a common thing experienced by many people all over. that was the moment the weight just lifted off my shoulders. just KNOWING it had a name! and i wasn't just trying to explain how i was going nuts! i saw a therapist for about 2 years and she really helped me cope with this with breathing excersuses, and grounding exercises to help me feel like im really part of the earth and i am really here.

from that day forward, my symptoms began to diminish, and this "feeling" did not happen nearly as much. at the beginning it would just constantly happen ALL DAY and i couldnt escape it. now, it just comes randomly a couple times a month, and i will feel that feeling come over me for just a split second an i feel like i am in a bubble or a dream and i just cant GRASP reality, i just cant hold it. when it does happen though, it horrible. it happened just the other day and i couldnt grasp my mind for quite some time. i felt so lost and shitty and hating life because of this, and just scared all over again that what if i lose myself one day? what if i actually go crazy from this?

another thing i should mention, is i never opt'd for medication, i always had this fear that if i were to go on it, i wouldnt be able to deal with my own mind, my real mind, and that i would rely on medication for the rest of my life and without it i would just lose my mind completely. i still have bad anxiety all the time that follows me everywhere, but just general anxiety like physical symptoms.

what i wanted to know though, was if anyones story was similar to mine,

has anyone experienced that "feeling" where you just cant grasp reality and hold on?? or that its an actual physical feeling of something overcoming your mind for just a moment, over and over again. where you forget where you are for just a fraction of a second or forget what the hell is going on??

im not sure if anyone will actually read this but i am seeming to be having a tough night... you know that moment where you lay in bed just before you fall asleep and your mind starts to race?

ive got fears.... many of which revolve around living in general. life is so fake and stupid, we can die at any moment how am i supposed to enjoy it? my uncle recently passed away and he had suffered schizophrenia his entire life. im afraid i have or will have schizophrenia, im afraid i will be lost to this DP disorder, im afraid that one day i just wont be able to hold on the my mind any longer. im afraid that one day i will get cancer and die. or get sick from anything. its so hard to accept life. i hate thinking about it. if anyone has any similar fears, experiences, or feelings please share id love to hear them!!!

thanks for reading, if you did!!!


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## emc (Mar 21, 2012)

sturner_ said:


> Hey! im 18 and have been dealing with DP for about 3 years... i think..
> 
> when i was about 14 i felt the effects of marijuana for the first time.... it was like nothing i have ever experienced before... for a split second... multiple seconds in a row i felt like i was in a bubble.. or a dream.. or what i was doing was not "right". the most effective way i could describe it was that it was very hard to grasp "reality" like my brain just couldn't hold on to it. Anyways, after that moment i just concluded that this is what being "high" felt like... i continued for about a year because i was surrounded by it.. i never really enjoyed it but did it socially. i stopped doing it because i just wasn't quite interested anymore. Then the day came where it all came crashing down. It was about 2 years later, i was about 15-16 and i was getting ready for a party. i was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and all of a sudden that feeling rushed over me, it felt physical like something was actually going through me for only a moment which made me feel completely like i was in a dream and light headed and hard to grasp "reality". it took a while to actually form that description because it would happen so quickly i didnt even know what to say... the thing was though that when it would happen for only a split second, it would happen again OVER and OVER and OVER again for about a half hour at a time where it physically felt like something was oercomming my mind and i had no clue what was going on.
> 
> ...


I just turned 19 years old and can relate to almost everything youve said! besides the life is fake and stupid...because life is really beautiful...but for me the problem is that depersonalization is making it a scary place for me... I also had the fear that perhaps i was on the road to schozophrenia but that is an important thing to know about DP! part of the symptoms is that we have the fear that we will go insane or develop some serious mental illness such as schzphrenia. it is just a part of DP you need to realize as a symptom. We DO still have a grasp on reality and that is what is most important. Although you feel detached from your body and every strange and scary feeling we could even think of, literally!, is flushing over us I still feel that I know what reality is. I would never act in any strange behavior such as a schozophrenic would.. they dont even make sense when they speak most the time! They literally have a neurological imbalance creating false and random ideas in their minds. DP is much different. My DP started when I was about 14 yrs old as well. I never thought too much of it but now that it has gotten worse for me I can recognize that a few times in the past were the same as what I was feeling now. My DP was triggered recently by a very tramatizing event that happened to me. Ive always believed my house was haunted and one day while alone in my house I heard this breathing noise in my ear...wow...I really almost just heard it again just typing that...literally just had an intense very short episode of DP..anyway..need to concentrate.. So after I heard that I really freaked out of course becauase it really sounded as if someone was standing directly next to me leaning into my ear. I panicked. Ever since I have been so fearful of ever hearing that breathing again that I dont know how I will handle it. Thats where my anxiety, heart papilations, etc happen ... just whenever I think about it...which is OFTEN. almost all day every day. You need to feel comforted that other people are going through the same thing and that it is scary yes, but merely a symptom of DP. you will not go crazy I promise you. especially if you are aware of the fact that you feel like that might happen to you. Do not worry about going insane! you just have DP! I suspect your DP was triggered by the passing of your uncle perhaps... it is tramatizing to think about and experience a death in the family. Just know that your uncle lived a happy life and he was enjoying his time here, and he would most definitely tell you to do the same if he were here and knew how you felt!! Make sure you make yourself feel strong as often as you can. This has helped me through a few episodes of my DP. I simply think things like " This is easy! I am here!" look around the room and you will feel better! ... thinking about a boy I have a crush on can take my mind off it pretty easily I must admit!!! Everyone has a crush. And the excitement you feel when you think about them is a bit similar to the anxietal feeling of DP. It helps me shift my nervousness from scared to a sort of blushing , stomach butterflies feeling! just try it out I think it really might help. Also, if youve found a forum on here that really made you feel better once you read it print it out! keep it in your purse and read it when you feel weird!! I think to myself "oh...not so bad...cool its already working!" hard to explain but it really helps...

hope I could be of some help!


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## emc (Mar 21, 2012)

sturner_ said:


> Hey! im 18 and have been dealing with DP for about 3 years... i think..
> 
> when i was about 14 i felt the effects of marijuana for the first time.... it was like nothing i have ever experienced before... for a split second... multiple seconds in a row i felt like i was in a bubble.. or a dream.. or what i was doing was not "right". the most effective way i could describe it was that it was very hard to grasp "reality" like my brain just couldn't hold on to it. Anyways, after that moment i just concluded that this is what being "high" felt like... i continued for about a year because i was surrounded by it.. i never really enjoyed it but did it socially. i stopped doing it because i just wasn't quite interested anymore. Then the day came where it all came crashing down. It was about 2 years later, i was about 15-16 and i was getting ready for a party. i was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and all of a sudden that feeling rushed over me, it felt physical like something was actually going through me for only a moment which made me feel completely like i was in a dream and light headed and hard to grasp "reality". it took a while to actually form that description because it would happen so quickly i didnt even know what to say... the thing was though that when it would happen for only a split second, it would happen again OVER and OVER and OVER again for about a half hour at a time where it physically felt like something was oercomming my mind and i had no clue what was going on.
> 
> ...


I wanted to show you a quick thing I read online that made me feel better because ever since I felt that there was someone or thing beside me I have for sure begun to take an interest in more of the unknown!

heres the link : http://yogini-bliss.com/295-a-western-yoginis-understanding-of-depersonalization-disorder.html

Im starting to really feel like we are just special! If you can learn to enjoy these natural highs you will be much happier! although you feel like you are not yourself and detached as ever we are probably just experiencing our true selves in full throttle!! we just have strong souls!!!


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