# I didint know this was a thing until now.



## eeasp (Feb 21, 2017)

Hello, I'm 30 and only just found out this was a thing. I've been going through relationship issues recently. Married but husband has found out how I feel all the time and has taken it the wrong way, I don't know if I explained it all wrong or not I don't know.

I was diagnosed with depression at 19 which then has developed into depression with anxiety and a diagnosis of this at 29.

Having spent most of life (as far back as I can remember) feeling like I'm in a dream/not in the real world/nothing's real and just being told it's depression, having now found out about derealisation and the "symptoms" I can honestly say that this is me. Like others have said, most days I feel like i'm in a bubble, not really where I actually, physically am. I have often said to my father and my husband that I feel nothing most days with days inbetween just feeling a tiny sensation of "feeling". "Numb" is how a lot of people describe it and I think that's pretty spot on for me. Numb and not part of reality. I've always felt im on the sidelines looking in on everyone else and their lives, good and bad, and not being actually part of anything.

I know in my head I should react to things, feel things, show emotions but when I do I feel like im lying to people around me because I'm just showing those emotions because society tells me I should. I should love my husband, my family, my friends. I should feel dislike at things, feel like for others etc, When I talk to people it's usually just responses and I feign interest, again, because growing up in the world I've grown up in tells me I need to socialise and talk and react when I'd like nothing more than to just be alone and not bothered. But then on the opposite side of the scale sometimes I crave socialisation in small groups (I play DnD and MTG) to make me feel like I AM alive and that my brain works and is in control.

Since I was a teenager I've often just wanted to disappear, to drop everything, everyone and start a new life alone, somewhere where no one would know me and I wouldn't have to deal with trivial small talk and problems that aren't my own. I know that this is selfish and I tell myself it's selfish but these thoughts don't care. This is where I am currently, in a place where I want to drop everything, leave and disappear because I don't feel I'm worth being part of this world but I don't want my life to end.

Am I in the right place here? I don't know. I've seen various GPs here in UK and none have ever mentioned anything other than depression/anxiety. Cheers for reading.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

I, and I think a fair number of others here, can sympathize with a lot of what you say. different people will connect to different parts, of course, but you're not alone.


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## eeasp (Feb 21, 2017)

Having re-read my post, I think I missed out some bits.


I wrote that sometimes I don't feel that I'm worth being part of this world - this is because mostly I don't feel this is my world, that this world I'm in isn't where i'm supposed to be.
On top of the above, I sometimes, conversely, feel that I am too good for this world and that this isn't my world because I'm meant to be doing something more important in some reality else - anyone else get this one? This one even sounds weird to me when I think about it in my head.
Does anyone else find that sex (male or female, I'm female) brings them a sense of relief (not just on orgasm, I rarely), almost euphoric, like you've left this world for a short amount of time, or is this just how sex feels for everyone else? My partner, and previous ones, never seem to understand this when I've mentioned it...
Even though I feel numb and not really here on a day to day basis I find that the only thing I do care about is how other people perceive me. I'm very self conscious which I guess has caused the anxiety thing. Ever since I was young I've felt different and I think it's this feeling of difference that has caused me to try to be as "normal" as I can in other people's eyes. But then I go and overthink it and end up being more anxious because I worry that I'm over doing the "normalness" acting to a point others might find me weird which scares the crap out of me.

Basically, I have a whole load of conflicting thoughts in my head that whir around, crash into each other and converge which all manifests in a way that causes me to be confident, cocky, anxious, empty, hateful, tearful, uncaring and lost. Yay for brain confliction. No wonder my brain hurts everyday.

Anyway, I think that just about covers me. If I think of anything else I'll add to this. Again, thank you for reading.


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

Like others have said, I totally agree and see where you're coming from. I've always felt like I just wanted to run away, start a new life somewhere, escape everything. I actually did a few times too and it was the happiest I've ever been. I learned in therapy, however, that I've been running from my problems all my life. At some point you have to look yourself in the mirror (difficult for DP suffers, I know) and acknowledge your problems and what you're running from and face your fears. That's the only way you can begin to recover or at least cope with this condition.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

eeasp.................i hear ya miss.........

welcome to the world of depersonalization.........most doctors are useless in diagnosing it...most shrinks put it down to a side effect of anxiety or depression...fact is its a whole different ball game if you end up in a completely depersonalized state...Its persistent, its debilitating, its disturbing, its soul destroying and most of all its terrifying......

Its actually about time the psychiatry world tore up all its manuals as regards DP and recognised it for the horrendous condition it is...

Im still after 20 plus years telling my doctor when i need to visit him my DP is pretty bad...His response is usually oh yeah your feeling anxious and depressed again..

NO DOCTOR!!! I am f*****g depersonalized......Hopefully one day soon the world will cop on to this awful condition.....Just because we seem all right on the outside they all think we are fine on the inside....

I really want to be able to take all the doubters inside my head for a while and show them what ive basically had to live with since mt late teens...Somehow i dont think they would want to hang out in there for too long.......


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## epiphany906 (Feb 21, 2017)

yeah its weird right? i recall the first day i noticed this back in 99'. it was my first day back to senior yr h.s. i went to my dr. terrified. there wasnt any words in the english language to describe what i was feeling. i washed it away with alcohol on daily basis for the next 17 yrs. last year i quit dronking and now this is right where i left off with it. at least now people are educated about it (if they choose to) and drs. now have a better idea than before. i now begun to research every possible angle and thanks to you guys im not alone in this. much appreciated for the support.


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## Reem Mohsen (Feb 24, 2017)

Hello everyone, i'm so happy that theres a chat toom about this, i don't feel alone or different anymore. Thank god! 
This recently started on Nov 2016 when i was on my honey moon, i tried smoking up for the first time and it came out when i started wcreaming in the hotel not knowing who i am and where i am. Then when i came back to my country i did a lot of check up ( MRI, ablood atests ) turned out i had an AVm in my right lobe in my brain  on top of this my mother left us back in 2011 and i never spoke about it cuz i had 2 younger sisters to take care. But i never felt sad or weak at the time. Recently this symptom is getting worst i feel i re searched about it and thabk gos i'm not crazy or alone. I always feel like life is not real i'm in a dream. I really want this to go away obviously i'm waiting for my operation on my brain whih is soon(gama knife operation) i want to know what some ppl did that made them feel better or back in track. So scared. Help! Thanks xxx


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