# I need help - i feel like a zombie



## grues0me (Feb 12, 2010)

Hello Forum.

I wish to tell you my story, if you dont mind. It was 10 years back when i found a girl from another country
and fell in love with her. In a nutshell i can say it was a dream, we were like soulmates, thinking the same,
same interests, i started a sentence, she ended it. When she finished studying here, we decided to go to her
country and open a small shop. I quit my job, sold everything, said bye to family and friends and left with her.

In her country we opened a shop and built a house with the help of her family. It was a dream. House, garden, own
shop, sun, sea...there had been problems though, the language wasnt easy for me and i couldnt quite attune with the
mentality of the people there. There were fights, but nothing serious i guess.

When the shop didnt wotk out and we still lived from her family´s money, she started to be a long time in the internet
playing online games. She made some big secret out of it, set a password in the PC and stuff. I knew she was chatting
with someone when i was away.

To make it short, one day, it was supposed to be a romantic evening, she told me she doesnt love me anymore. Like someone
says "i dont feel like eating pies today". No tears, nothing. I was totally shocked, packed my stuff next day and
left to my parents in my homecountry. She was changed totally, was angry at the phone and didnt want any contact anymore.

I was devastated. Living at my parents with 34 again, no job, money, no contact to my "soulmate".

I started drinking, but found it just makes my depressions worse, went to a doctor, the doctor gave me Promethazin
but it made me feel tired all day. I continued to drink at the evenings.

Thats the point when my symptoms started. I felt like i wouldnt get sober anymore. In the morning and the following days
i felt like i had cotton in my head, even though i didnt drink. Other symptoms:

- Lost my interest in things. Earlier i was thinking a lot while walking around, but now i observe the world through my eyes,
not thinking anything when walking around.
- Everything is kinda "filtered" before it reaches my brain.
- Dont read anymore, nothing holds my interests long enough.
- Feeling like being in a dream; i can see everything clearly, but my head feels like its filled with honey and thinking
feels like stiring a spoon in a honeypot, everything is slow and hard.
- Turning my head feels like everything "moves slower" than my head is turning, like a blurred camera shot.
- Emotions are very dull and nothing really affects me. 
- Talking to persons is like watching a movie and it feels uncomfortable.
- Being in supermarket is horrible; all the colors and lights make me feel weird.
- When i am at home, soft light in a room, watching TV is bearable and i feel quite good.
- Motivation at work is absolutely zero. Generally i have no motivation to do anything at all.

- Sometimes i even have problems that words dont come easily to me or i "stutter" even though i never had this problem.

Other than that my reaction is crisp and clear. At work i am an ace, i play my "role", am successful.

I had examinations and they were all fine, went to a psychologist and she told me its because of the trauma i had. I still ask
myself why it didnt occur immediately after i left to my homecountry. I got different medication but they made it worse,
felt drunk all day. I am with a new woman now, but i have to admit i still live in the past very often and it hurts to think
of my ex. I should pay my new woman more attention but it feels so hard to be with someone, its difficult to concentrate. I love 
her, but it seems there is a wall between us. Emotions dont "flow" from me to her it seems. My sexual interest is quite dull,
just alcohol helps sometimes, even though i just drink once a week only.

I am often scared i am physically sick. I think, this state is absolutely alarming, but i feel helpless. And this makes all worse...


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## Guest (Feb 12, 2010)

Hello,

I too had a fallout with a previously conceived "soulmate".

But that's not what I want to say...

I remember learning that Alcohol lowers your consciousness "below thought". Just as Marijuana and some other drugs bring you "above thought" (high on cloud nine).

To me your symptoms sound like your brain is sort of in "below thought" even while sober. Just as some of us feel high because weed gave us our symptoms.

Just my two cents.


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## grues0me (Feb 12, 2010)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> Hello,
> 
> I too had a fallout with a previously conceived "soulmate".
> 
> ...


I am not sure about this. You say its a permanent condition?

What i already thought is, that the brain may force itself into "drunk mode" to avoid the pain and depression caused by events in my life?

What i forgot to add in my former post: one year after i was back in my homecountry and i had a job and apartment again, my father suddenly died
of cancer within 3 months time. He was always a pilar of stability in my life and it was a horrible experience after all i went through before.


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## Guest (Feb 12, 2010)

I don't know if it's permanent or not.

Sorry about your dad...


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