# What the hell is wrong with me?



## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

I'm so goddamned lonely.

it's not for lack of friends. I have friends coming out the wazoo. I have family...some that i'm slowly trying to trust. but when i cant find them i search for romantic love

and sometimes haninging out with my mom or grandparents or such is helpful to give other kinds of love

but ever since the last breakup I had I've been feeling this massive void

i'm ready to fill it with the worst possible guy, because even that would seem more fulfilling that my friendships.

that's a weird thing to say but right now i odn't know

i dont feel fulfilled with a guy but I feel like I need a guy when i don't have one

i just feel so goddamned lonely right now

no one can fill the void

but i screw myself over in the constant search

why do i need a guy so bad, why do i want a relationsihp so bad, why fucking why am i so goddamned lonely?


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

Sounds like something to do with feeling needed.

You seem a nice girl though, and have your head screwed on the right way so don't fall for the temptation.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

i really am about to fall for it


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

person3 said:


> i really am about to fall for it


Why? What's going through your head?

A need for love? A different love to friends and family? Or is it more 'physical'? (Not to put to fine a point on it)


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

your insecure,you need to start learning to enjoy your own company


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

jc said:


> your insecure,you need to start learning to enjoy your own company


Wish I could - I hate being alone - I end up stuck with myself in the same room :lol:


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

due to this illness ive had no choice but to get used to my own company


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

I've experienced that sometimes you can feel more alone when you're with someone.


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

Sunshine spirit said:


> I've experienced that sometimes you can feel more alone when you're with someone.


That's a very good point - although I don't find this too bad anymore, as this is obviously something to do with wanting to be understood.


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

I think its not good to fill your emptines with some other person.
Firstly because its not helping you, you only continue your loneliness (pattern).
Second, you are using people when you give in to these feelings, so it can damage others as well.

I guess you need to look, which no doubt you already do, at what your loneliness is and talk about it, where it comes from, how your whole pattern of mechanisms is built so you can understand why this need for guys is so important for you. Not understanding only intellectually, but also emotionally. When you can do that, thats the first step into letting go of fulfilling your needs in destructive ways.
Take care.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Person, 
I may not know exactly what your going through, but I think I have a good idea. I've read alot of your posts, and this is in no ways meant to be an insult, but you seem extremely narcissistic. The problem with the narcissist is that no matter how many people you are around, things must revolve around you. You dont get fulfillment from social contact, because you dont grow. You dont learn to care about others, and even if they think you are the life of the party, other people dont learn to care about you. As Janine will say, or may have already, loneliness is seeking for kind not company. Not that you shouldnt look for fulfillment outside of yourself, but as Wendy says, dont look for fulfillment by using them. Either for attention, for sex, self-esteem, etc...And there seems to be one more glaring omission in your life. Seek out some spirituality so that you can find some perspective for your desires. Why are you here? Why do you feel lonely? Why do you feel empty? Are these bad feelings? If so, why, and how do you quench them? Is jumping from person to person or from desire to desire the only way to live life? And most importantly, it will take the focus of life off of pleasing you, which is probably the most fulfilling perspective to have anyways.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

i feel lonely to. Sure I have friends, although some of them I don't trust 100 %. I have no girlfriend, i have girls that are friends, but no girlfriend. Its not because girls don't think im cute or i don't have a good personality. Its because of ME, im extremely picky, I want to find the " right girl" even though im only 19. Im not talkin about marriage or any of that, but just the right girl to go out with. I feel that its not worth my time, if she isn't t the right one at this particular time in my life. This is probably the reason why I have trouble finding the " right one" because I actually LOOK. Most people just stumble upon this person.

Lonliness is horrible


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Thanks guys...

Homeskooled you do have a point there. i admittedly get really impatient with people at times and CANT focus on them if they don't provide some use to ME and I don't know what to do to fix that. I am increasingly more aware of it and try to at least "step out" a bit in each conversation, etc.

Honestly though that was a really big blow to my ego when you said you viewed me as narcissist. I mean you're probably 100% right but it's hard to be anything else at times, too painful and too anxiety-producing...it almost is a "focus outward" for me to be a narcissist..who has time for DP when they're constantly trying to get their needs fulfilled?

And I get impatient and don't care about others as much as I should, which I realized today and did some steps that I wouldn't normally do which I was proud of. I guess I do have some really great friends right in front of me but I'm so obsessed with how I planned them to be that I don't notice them or I despise them.

Wendy you're right...it's like, maybe the people are THERE and the only reason I AM lonely is because they're not being who *I* want them to be, doing exactly what *I* want them to do, and i lose interest. Probably the people I hate most for their boringness are also probably the ones who should be my closest friends if I can just step aside, and the ones I am most intrigued by are the most dangerous really because they're only really extensions of myself or that's at least how i make them to be...


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2005)

M - yes, you seem relatively narcissistic. And I have no idea if I spelled that right. But my point is - narcissism is rampant in this group. I think it's all part of the DP package. 
Homeskooled was just saying it like it is, with I'm sure no blow to your ego intended


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

yeah but my ego is HYOOOOGE


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

all your problems stem from the blue lipstick seen in your avatar


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## JasonFar (Aug 13, 2004)

The bottom line is this: Jesus hates you.

~Jason


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

No no. Jesus loves you, but I think you are a jackass.


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

person3 said:


> I'm so goddamned lonely.
> 
> it's not for lack of friends. I have friends coming out the wazoo. I have family...some that i'm slowly trying to trust. but when i cant find them i search for romantic love


One of the problems with DP is that you feel lonely/ isolated even when you have people near you who you love and who love you back. Probably having a bf breaks this for you for a while bc the feelings are so strong and intense, but the intensity doesn't usually last, even if your feelings are genuine, and you slip back into feeling isolated even when you're in the company of people who care about you.

It sucks.

I like the blue lipstick!


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

you got a point

the intensity fades away and makes you feel worse

i've fallen for THAT one before! omg i have...and it took me farther away from finding my REAL problems, distracted me for well over a year. And I would just feel more helpless and incapable (less DP'd but yet lower self-esteem, weird)

I guess it is using others in that sense...but it gets so damn lonely in here sometimes!


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Soul-
hahaha, but that is actually blue EYELINER! The pink lipstick I used as eyeshadow. LOL

Jason-
Yes he prob hates me, I'm a non-religious Jew!


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

your jewish???

Don't feel alone than cuz you have these people on your side


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

SoulBrotha said:


> your jewish???
> 
> Don't feel alone than cuz you have these people on your side

















What the fuck is THAT?!


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

ummmmmm

THE BERNSTEIN BEARS

Where have you been?????


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Word on the skreet is that SoulBrotha and Sister Bear used to "get down", back in the day....just what I heard...play on playa....holla!


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

Kelson shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't want Papa Bear to find out

he will unleash a mean can of whoop ass on me yooooo, thats my word !!!!!!!!!!!


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Papa?? Shoot, I heard Brother Bear be poppin them thangs! Betta duck and run, fool!


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

YO SON!!!!!!! MAMMA BEAR GOT SOME FUCKIN HEAT DOGGIE!!

SHE BE CARRYIN THOSE MONSTEROUS BURNERS... SHE DONE CLAPPED ROGER RABBIT, KERMIT, MAD MAFUCKAS CAUGHT AN L CUZ OF HER RATCHETS!!!!!!!

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAT BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAT

THATS HOW HER CLAPPAZ BE SOUNDIN!!!!!!!!

DUCK DOWN!


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Nah son...her burners go:

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing....just like P Crakk

"...throws up dynasty!"

Mama Bear is part of that Chain Gaaaaang!


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## JasonFar (Aug 13, 2004)

Her and SoulBrotha USED to get down? I think you have your time continuem all screwed up, Kelson. There's no USED about it...

SoulBrotha, from what he's told me, practices both beastiality and underage sex at this very moment.

I can hear lil' sis bear orgasming as I write this.

SoulBrotha, you are a sinner, and you will burn.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

OMG THE BERNSTEIN BEARS!

OMG that is SO familiar to me...like home...my images of other people's stories have often taken mental characters in the likeness of the B Bears. Omg i'm touched.

Soul keep your hands of Little Sister or I'm gonna jump you (in the fight way)


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2005)

what other way could you jump me in?


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

there's sexual connotation to that soemtimes


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## Guest (Mar 8, 2005)

I wasn't aware


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

I think SB said he wouldn't mind tasting that lipstick of yours...so you better make sure you clarify yourself! j/k

Holla!


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## Guest (Mar 8, 2005)

Kelson do you still have that fetish for morbidly obese midgets???

:lol:


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

no...moved onto anoxeric giants!

:lol:


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

What are you sayin' soul? I thought the blue lipstick was your favorite!


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Ha ha ha! This thread started off dead serious, but got real funny when Soul brought up the Berenstein Bears!  Person3, I don't see why you feel bad about yourself all the time, but I suppose it's one of those personal things. I suppose I am some sort of narcissist with low self-esteem (a deadly combination!), so I suppose I know what you're going through. 
Soul, are you sure you don't have a crippling fear of intimacy like I do (?). I long for female company (both kinds) but I am desperately afraid of letting any woman get close to me (physically or emotionally) I am terrified that anyone should see me as I truly am, which implies that, deep down, I believe that something is seriously wrong with me...Can anyone else relate to that dichotomy? Wanting to feel good about oneself but deep down inside always feeling awful?


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

I suppose that perhaps we DPers have somehow tapped into something almost primal...the uncertainty and basic distrust that creeps into the human mind when we haven't been 'programmed' as it were, by society or by our parents, etc. to love and trust ourselves and others and the world around us? DP/DR becomes a kind of defense mechanism to keep us from ever being dissappointed; at least that's how I see my anxiety and obsessive thinking. I am afraid of every bad thing that could happen. I am uncertain and afraid of everything and only feel a vague disgust and distrust for myself.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

When the base ideas/concepts/beliefs that society agrees upon are ripped away at a moments notice, thats DP. I'm scared that the spiritual and emotional connection to another person I yearn for will just leave me feeling like Im striving for another ideal or illusion. Sometimes I look at people and all I see is flesh, bone, and chemical reactions housed in a bag of skin. What happens if I find that person i'm looking for and she turns out to be another puppet or animal? I'm too scared to approach people anyway.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Privateer said:


> Ha ha ha! This thread started off dead serious, but got real funny when Soul brought up the Berenstein Bears!  Person3, I don't see why you feel bad about yourself all the time, but I suppose it's one of those personal things. I suppose I am some sort of narcissist with low self-esteem (a deadly combination!), so I suppose I know what you're going through.
> Soul, are you sure you don't have a crippling fear of intimacy like I do (?). I long for female company (both kinds) but I am desperately afraid of letting any woman get close to me (physically or emotionally) I am terrified that anyone should see me as I truly am, which implies that, deep down, I believe that something is seriously wrong with me...Can anyone else relate to that dichotomy? Wanting to feel good about oneself but deep down inside always feeling awful?


yeah Private, I probably have some of what you speak of. I fear rejection and I have this weird feeling like if I let a girl get close to me, what the fuck is she gonna think? And what happens If i get emotionally hurt if it doesn't work out? What will happen than????? But yet I feel like I need a girlfriend so bad........ or maybe just a friend with benefits????

I dunno man, I make things so fuckin complex


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