# DPDR since august 2017



## Pandaemonium (Dec 22, 2020)

Hi, i like reading the posts here because i can relate. DPDR is shit. I think that's widely agreed, nobody wants it, but it's here and many don't know how to tell it to get lost! Just to explain my story, mine started in or around august 2017. My memory of this time is a bit of a blur! I've tried a few times to piece days together in my head, and to pinpoint what 'triggered' it but i don't know. What i do remember was i was in a very dark place at one point, this lasted a few weeks.. i just had consistent and severe panic attacks intermittently and i remember not liking being inside a car that is being driven. I felt trapped with the urge to open the door!(i still do, but i think it's a common experience).

So while i had these panic attacks, i had really horrid symptoms, the worst being my chest to my throat feeling like they were literally on fire. No exaggeration. The worst heartburn you can imagine, i knew it was a symptom of extreme stress or fight or flight. The next worse thing is i could have a weird 'funny spot' in my chest, and if i focused on it enough, i could actually amplify this uncomfortable funny painful and unpleasant feeling in my chest so much so that i could trigger a panic attack all by myself. This went on for a few weeks, i was not on any anti-depressants at this time, so in a way my depression was amplified. I do believe that at some point, for the first time, i smoked marijuana and i had the longest, most painful panic attack ever. I was sitting down on my own while my brother went to sleep, and my heart rate was beating so fast and heavy, i thought to myself.. how has it not exploded yet! I had virtigo. That burning sensation reached its max and stayed there.. it went on until it gradually died down and ceased around 6AM. So this went on for about 8 hours!

So.. was it the marijuana that caused it? I have absolutely no idea. I don't believe i had my current DPDR symptoms at this point.. about a week or 2 later.. i noticed i couldn't sleep. The next morning, i was still awake and confused but.. insisted on staying awake all that day to get tired by the night. Thing is, i didn't get tired.. if anything i felt much less tired. I tried to sleep that night.. i think you can tell where this is going. This lasted for 5 days. I went 5 days with absolutely not even 5 minutes of sleep. No matter how hard i tried or how much i relaxed and spoke nicely to myself, my brain was on cocaine and speed combined! I eventually got 1 hour of sleep, after i took 10mg of ambien. Then, i got a prescription for temazepam, diazepam(i'm not on them atm), and one morning.. out of the blue when i got out of bed and went to my kitchen, i got hit with this over-whelmingness of unreality, feeling like my consciousness was hanging by a thread. Like that drunk and out of it feeling you get when you're at a bar, peering over the toilet and taking a piss. Except, my balance isn't totally off, i appear relatively normal to people, so it's almost like nothing looks wrong with me. I got a fright and sat down, closed the door and just laid there waiting for this feeling to go away. It did. My memory isn't the best, but here i am today. I have this feeling and 4 times as bad.

I do feel like it has gotten worse. How i know this, is that before.. if i drank 2 or 3 pints of alcohol, i would notice that i was tipsy, and my vision was hazy. Now, if i take 2 or 3 pints.. my DPDR overrides this experience and i can't tell any difference. Isn't that nuts. I don't enjoy alcohol anymore. Everything, feels overwhelming and intense all the time. Waking up in the morning and going somewhere quick is the worst, because at one point you are in bed and next, you're on the road driving, and it feels like so much of a fucking dream that it's insane. My fear is that i blink out of existence one day!


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

The most common reason for developing DPDR, I've personally seen around here, is from marijuana use, so it's very possible that marijuana caused your DPDR.

Like you said, nobody wants it, but I hope you find something useful out of joining the forum!


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## Pandaemonium (Dec 22, 2020)

dissoziation said:


> The most common reason for developing DPDR, I've personally seen around here, is from marijuana use, so it's very possible that marijuana caused your DPDR.
> 
> Like you said, nobody wants it, but I hope you find something useful out of joining the forum!


Really? I think i've heard that before. I've thought about it, i just can't completely nail it down! also sorry for the long rambling. I hope it didn't permanently alter my brain chemicals!


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

Pandaemonium said:


> Really? I think i've heard that before. I've thought about it, i just can't completely nail it down! also sorry for the long rambling. I hope it didn't permanently alter my brain chemicals!


I don't think it will. I think there's always hope for recovery when it comes to using substances. For people like me who got it through trauma, it will probably take a little longer for us to get over it.

As for the rambling, don't worry about it. Anxiety makes us do crazy things.


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## Pandaemonium (Dec 22, 2020)

dissoziation said:


> I don't think it will. I think there's always hope for recovery when it comes to using substances. For people like me who got it through trauma, it will probably take a little longer for us to get over it.
> 
> As for the rambling, don't worry about it. Anxiety makes us do crazy things.


I've heard marijuana can cause dpdr. I don't know your original trauma story, i've also had a.. weird upbringing. My father enjoyed drugs and abusing everyone verbally. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did, it was rough. Still, it was a "fairly"-ish normal childhood otherwise. I hated school though. Again, i don't know your entire story and tried to check your profile but can't switch pages. If you don't mind i ask, are you on anything at the moment or does anything help you alleviate your symptoms?


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

Pandaemonium said:


> I've heard marijuana can cause dpdr. I don't know your original trauma story, i've also had a.. weird upbringing. My father enjoyed drugs and abusing everyone verbally. It didn't happen all the time, but when it did, it was rough. Still, it was a "fairly"-ish normal childhood otherwise. I hated school though. Again, i don't know your entire story and tried to check your profile but can't switch pages. If you don't mind i ask, are you on anything at the moment or does anything help you alleviate your symptoms?


I know that the original members from 2015-2018 know my story, but I can make a topic or share it privately another time whenever I'm able to talk about it. But in short, it was emotional trauma after my first relationship ended. As for my childhood, it was normal-ish, but I say 'ish' because I was diagnosed with a handful of (thankfully, mild) health conditions as a young child that interfered with my life to some degree.

Right now, I'm currently on Vraylar (bipolar disorder 2), Lexapro (severe depression and GAD), and Strattera (concentration issues). I used to be on lamotrigine/Lamictal, but they took me off it because I wanted to change medications, but I'm going to try and see if I can get back on it because it was the best my DPDR symptoms have ever been in a long time while I was on it.


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## Findmywayhome (Oct 11, 2020)

Thanks for sharing  First of all I just want to say I totally relate to that fear of disappearing completely from existence one day. It's comforting to know that a lot of people struggle with this idea. I often wonder if this is what dying feels like, aside from the physiological aspect.

I sound like a broken record at this point, but I am very interested in mid to long term cases of DPDR. Everyone talks about recovery, but no one seems to explicitly talk about how exactly they live with DPDR for long stretches of time. As someone who is mere months into this, I want to gain some perspective. I have some questions:

First off how old are you? Do you think you suffer from de PERSONALIZATION and de REALIZATION? or is it just one or the other? Do you still deal with anxiety? If so, is it a symptom of your DPDR? Have you developed any degree of peace or solace in your life--however fleeting-- in these past few years with your DPDR? Do you still have hobbies, interests, friends, etc?

All the best


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