# Recovered - Read & Be Amazed



## THEDerekHardin (Mar 24, 2014)

I am recovered. You can ask me any question you want via the messenger thing-a-ma-jig. I'll answer'em. But I'll give you a little outline what I went through, and how I defeated it. So here goes nothing:

I'm 20 years old. I was 19 at the time that my struggle with DP began. I was a regular user or marijuana for 2 years, I used it to disconnect with reality, relax, chill out, feel good, whatever. I recall it just like it was yesterday: It was around a week after Christmas, and I had just got let go from my job and I had a good 4 or 5 grams of pretty good quality pot. I went into my room, toked up, and began to play video games as usual. I have no idea what happened, but for some reason the high just got really, really intense. I started to freak the fuck out. My throat tightened up, my eyes were bloodshot to hell, it was hard to breathe, it hurt to piss, I had to shit so bad, my heart is pounding outrageously fast this whole time and I'm just freaking the hell out throughout the whole ordeal. I slammed my fist to the floor and just felt reality fading away. So I knelt down and just kept telling myself stuff to remind myself that I was... well, me and that all of this was really happening. Like, "I was born in Ashland, Kentucky. I was born on March 19, 1994. Your mom's name is Donna, your dad's name is Terry." Stuff like that. I tried to lay down and fall asleep but just couldn't. I called my friend Chris up and just told him, "Man, I'm having a bad trip right now dude. I'm freaking the fuck out." And so I talked to him on the phone for like 3 hours trying to calm down and it helped somewhat but not enough to completely bring me back down to Earth. I finally got off the phone, and just closed my eyes and just said "this'll all be a funny memory in the morning." I was wrong. I woke up and I felt... different. The world seemed... changed somehow. I still felt high. I didn't freak out, I just thought it was strange and it'd probably pass after today. It didn't. And so after a good week or two, I finally said "Okay, something is seriously wrong here." Typed it up on google "feeling fake" BAM, DP/DR pops up. I knew what it finally was. It provided me some relief but it didn't take away the terror I was about to endure.

The first three months or so, were complete hell on Earth. I'd wake up every single morning into this new world, scared of every single little thing, questioning everything - Am I real? Do I exist? DID I exist? Was my past life all bullshit? Am I ACTUALLY in a dream? What is reality? Is it real? The typical nonsense. I used to think some really, REALLY stupid stuff and totally believed it for the longest time. I would casually sit down and just think "How do I exist right now?" I'd look at people, "Are they real? Do they have souls and minds of their own? Are they robots?" I felt completely numb of emotion but on the rare occasions where I'd actually show it, like laughing at something, I'd laugh and then I'd think "Laughter? What is laughter? Is this what normal people do?" So yeah, really stupid questions such as that. And I don't have to tell you this but I will anyway: Thinking like that is definitely not a smart thing to do. The reaction the mind gives off is terrifying.

I was always a negative, depressing guy and I didn't even want to the be that kind of person but it just kind of happened. People hated me, so I hated them back. I cared what people thought about me from a young age, and I just felt like shit all the time. I felt completely worthless and thought about killing myself every other day. No, you're all wrong. If you seriously think you've had it so bad, DP takes the fucking cake. THAT is REAL depression and sadness, THAT is suicidal, THAT is maddening. I had the typical "I don't know if I can put up with us another day. I'm gonna kill myself. This is no way to live" type of thought. But I didn't fall through. I didn't do it.

And so we fast forward to April, where it still lingered on but I kept reading stuff online like YOU CAN DO IT. I DID IT, SO YOU CAN TOO. And I kept telling myself "I will." I would repeatedly tell myself day after day after day "I don't care anymore." But deep down inside, I did. It bothered me, it made me feel like a ghost, like life was passing me by, I felt disconnected, I just didn't think there was anyway I could REALLY mean it "I don't care." BUT, then it happened. I read the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. That book, DP/DR or not, will seriously open your eyes if you REALLY read that and absorb the information in it. I then thought "You've been through so much throughout your life to this point. You were always so negative and depressing. If there was EVER a time to be positive, it's NOW. DO IT." And so I started to slowly adopt this mentality of "think positive and care less." I started connecting back to reality and stopped questioning everything. I completely changed the way I thought and let it go. I started thinking normal thoughts again.

And then we come to mid-May. A few symptoms still here and there, but I had finally said and it meant it: I DON'T CARE. I started noticing things were as stupid and crazy as they once were but didn't acknowledge it very much. I just went about what I would normally do. And then it just kinda... happened. And now I get a lot of questions like "Can you tell the difference?" YES. Yes you can. BUT, then again, you CAN'T. And now I'm going to explain what I mean by that and so much more right now:

Can you tell the difference? Yes. But no. It's very hard to explain. It just happens when you least expect it. When you completely stop caring, and stop thinking stupid, bullshit existential thoughts 24/7, it'll fuck off. The best way I can put it is, nothing ever really changes. It's just the way you look at it! When you get out of it, which you will, I promise you you will, there's really no going back. It's no longer your life, you no longer worry about it or concern yourself with it. Once it's over, it's in the past - it's done. You will remember what it felt like. But you won't at the same time. You just won't understand how the world could have looked so different to you somehow, it's always been this way. For some people this can be frightening, but don't fear it - after all, that is how you lived your life before.

Tens of thousands of people have all had this disorder. And not one, NOT A SINGLE ONE, ever managed to changed to reality. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't. Why would you want to change it anyway? Trust me, this is all very real and not your imagination. All those thoughts you have are 110% BULL SHIT. You HAVE to change the way you think or you won't recover. It's that simple. You don't have to exerciste nonstop, you don't have to take medication, you don't need supplements, you don't need to follow some kind of dietary plan. That's all a waste of time. If you REALLY want to come back to reality, STOP CARING SO MUCH. Change the way you think. I know it's very hard to believe "You're not going crazy, you're not going to die" but I had it for close to six months and NOTHING happened to me. NOTHING. If anything it enlightened me.

Distraction is a vital part of this. Without them, you're doomed. You need to take your attention away from the internal conflict of your mind, so distract yourself and then focus on the PRESENT MOMENT. Stop thinking of the past or the future. Think about THE RIGHT NOW. The only time that exists is NOW. So stop wasting it! Simple as that.

Stop wasting your life on this website, to be blunt about it. The more and more you come back to this stupid site, the more connected you are to the disorder. So stop coming here. Read this, then vow to me you'll never come back. I hate coming back here. But I BEAT it, I recovered, and I feel quite selfish if I didn't help out people who are going through this hell known as DP/DR. So seriously. Read it once, then stay off this website. Go outside, explore the world, do something, ANYTHING else than being here. If you don't, you're fucked. Sad but true.

So yeah, I had this hellhole of a disorder for close to 6 months, and today I am 100% recovered. I feel great and very enlightened, as it taught me so, so much. I know it's very very terrifying but I survived. You WILL too. Believe in yourself. Live and don't just survive. If you have ANY questions for me, I'll answer ANY of them to the best of my knowledge. Take it easy guys, you can do this. I wish you all the best.

--Derek


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

Good for you!


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## RafinhaBrasil (Jun 22, 2014)

you went back to using marijuana?


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## THEDerekHardin (Mar 24, 2014)

I apologize, it's just something that always bothered me. People set there and wonder why they can't recover - honestly this is one of them. It DOES help at first, don't get me wrong. But when you start that bad habit of coming to this place every single day, it just furthers the problem. People need to realize that.


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## THEDerekHardin (Mar 24, 2014)

RafinhaBrasil said:


> you went back to using marijuana?


I did two or three times to see how I'd react to it. Needless to say nothing happened. I enjoyed myself. But as a regular user again, no. I don't buy it anymore. I'd only do it in a nice social environment where I feel safe, lol.

You just can't fear or worry about it. But it IS a stupid idea, it could send you right back into it. Fortunately for me though, it didn't.


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## apoplexy (Jan 4, 2013)

Congratulations man.

I can't wait for my time to come to post one of these types of threads. Gotta keep working hard everyday.

When I get better, you couldn't pay me 2 million cash to smoke again, fuck no.


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## RafinhaBrasil (Jun 22, 2014)

THEDerekHardin said:


> I did two or three times to see how I'd react to it. Needless to say nothing happened. I enjoyed myself. But as a regular user again, no. I don't buy it anymore. I'd only do it in a nice social environment where I feel safe, lol.
> 
> You just can't fear or worry about it. But it IS a stupid idea, it could send you right back into it. Fortunately for me though, it didn't.


When I stop taking sertraline and is recovered from the DP, I will go back to smoking tranquilamente, I do not fight every day against the DP, just accept it, I dug much marijuana but had a panic attack because I thought tava crazy I never imagined it could be dr or dp, now that I already know I think I can go back to smoking later


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## Waverer (Jul 4, 2014)

It also started with weed in my case.

It became chronic after a bad trip. I remember been in the rooftop with my brother watching family guy and then, bum, a bad trip. I felt I was dying (obviously I wasn't, but the feeling was too real that I asked my brother to say goodbye to my family ha ha), the world seemed like a painting (it didn't had dimension nor volume) and I became really anxious. That bad trip lasted for about 6 hours utill I went to sleep.

But in the morning, the same detachment and spaced out sensation. And day by day on. So I choosed one of the most common paths we tend to choose when we cope this: schizophrenia. Ha haha, I was just ruminating that idea for far too long. 'I was Psychotic, because one of my uncles was Bipolar (in the psychotic form)' it was just perfectly fit: I had the perception changes, the questions that I thought were delusions, the visual disturbances, and the genetic background= 'Like totally Schizo, OMG!' (thoughts that lasted for about two months).

Ha ha, Now I can see how stupid that was.
So after I went to the psychiatrist she told me I had no Psychotic anything, it took me time to understand it; even though I was recieving the info from a specialist, I choosed to pay attention to the web. How stupid I was!

So after I REALLY understood it was no psychosis, I could really start treating the real issues. The doc medicated me with stertaline, but I refused to take it because my psychotic uncle had his illness triggered by meds (nothing to do with psychiatric meds, it was an amoeba treatment, so this decision was irrational too, haha) anyway, she told me that without meds I had to be completely commited to the therapy, thing that helped me to actually listening to her, quit the Schizosearch and TAKE the therapy. She helped me a lot getting rid of the anxiety with CBT (it really helped me with this stage), and this proof (anxiety treated by CB techniques) also gave me clue that the positive thinking can change more than just anxiety.

And here I am, I can't believe how far I've got in my recovery. Going through really bad nausea and, headaches, crying everyday, suicidal thoughts, focus and memory impairments, visual distrubances, and blah blah blah to the day (today) when I'm ok. When I can actually do my stuff and be able to put those thoughts into hold (the existencial shit) and also have lessened the intensity of them.
I understand now that the thoughts themselves are not the issue, but everything attached, so I try dismembering them to see what actually I fear. (It's working good for me, but perhaps is unnecesary, so I wouldn't tell that's a path to walk unless you're unavoidable facing them. Always try ignoring them first!. ha ha).

I haven't used weed ever since, because, until I'm not 100% out I'd be able to decide whether to do or not to. I also stopped alcohol for 5 months, but then I retook it and nothing bad happened.

So this site has helped me a lot, but when I read people going like "Hey, I've been here since my second day on earth, that's bullshit" on the recovery stories it somehow scares me, but every time is less and I've learned to see those tragic stories rather in a soap opera way than like an actual possibility, so It's ok to me. But at some point I'll leave this site to finish my recovery and move on with my life. 
Is this site BS? Not in my experience, but I completely get you, you can find some really crappy people in here and that's not the reason of this place. It is like "Fuck off! The site has 'help' on its URL and you come here telling about 500-years-ill on other's recovery stories? Like, what you pretend?" . The recovery stories that had helped me a lot are those who advice me to leave this site, so I'd better listen to you and, when I'm recovered, I'll may be able to help others the way a recovered does it. 

And my advice would also be for those newbies: If you are a smart guy you would leave this site after reading two or three good recovery stories. Ignore the bashers and then leave. Have those good stories url's marked as favourite and only read them when you need reassurance. If you find something that doesn't make you feel better, then just ignore it!!

*This is a process, not a trait. Never forget it.  *

And it gets better. I wouldn't had believed what I'm writing if I had read it 6 months ago, but somehow I'M THE ONE WHO'S WRITING IT TODAY. So I can assure, things change. Inside out. That's the only thing we can really change.


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## jonobe (Jun 20, 2014)

A lot of people write 'hey, get off this site to get better.'

This advice is written by people who've all been here and now recovered.

In the good old days (before internet) there wasn't anything like this site. And if you feel 'on your own' now, imagine if you didn't even know there were others who had this thing.

This site is a very valuable place. I get that some people need to get off it and get on with their lives. If being on this site is preventing you from getting 'out there', then obviously that's not a good thing. But the site can also be a great support. Before the internet, you would have been really on your own. You can get on with your life and still come to this site, that's for sure.

Seeing many different stories here, I'm beginning to see people are different, have different symptoms, have different needs and are at different places in their recovery. I'm beginning to think that the 'everybody listen to my advice,' is actually one of the (final) stages of dpdr, it is so very common. (oh, yes, I've been through the stage!)

It is as if you have become an angel, and out of the goodness of your heart, you descend back to hell and see the poor devils crying for help. You declare 'I will save you, brother, sister! Let's get you out of this place! Follow me!'

But could it be (I know you won't agree), but could it be it's not really the others you are trying to save.

It is yourself.


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## Waverer (Jul 4, 2014)

jonobe said:


> A lot of people write 'hey, get off this site to get better.'
> 
> This advice is written by people who've all been here and now recovered.
> 
> ...


Ha ha ha perhaps that's why the other key world in the URL name is 'self'
Either way you can make your opinion if you're willing to help others. I'm not sure of how things would have worked before the internet for these people, but my psychiatrist has worked with DPD patients before the internet and she told me that much of the help in this cases is group therapy, and also a lot of self-anchoring. So this depends on your personality too: if you need more self-anchoring or more group therapy.

I followed those 'angels' at my worst and they lead me somewhere, so if in the process of saving ourselves we can seduce others into sanity, then that's as a solid way to help as the guys who help 24/7 in the group.

I don't know where I'd be if I haven't followed what others had 'tried' and 'succeeded' before.

Would you be as motivated to dig in a cave if someone promised gold than if he only said 'there's a chance of gold' ? I believed there was gold and that kept me digging. And now I'm here, finding something shiny.


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## half-life (Aug 15, 2012)

I started reading your post and I related to a lot of stuff, especially the part that you said you were a negative person to begin with, but when I got to the recovery part I though: "uuhh, I was affraid of that". I just knew you would talk about changing the way you think. I heard that in a lot of recovery stories. I have nothing agains that but I don't know how is it possible to change the way I think. I'm trying to change the way I behave hoping that itself will change me, because changing my thoughts in my fucked up head seems to be impossible.


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## jonobe (Jun 20, 2014)

I didn't change the way I thought to get better.

It's just not necessary to do it in any deliberate way.

In fact, all the time I was trying to change my thoughts I stayed screwed up!

I did finally got better through practising some awareness exercises (I've put them elsewhere on the site but don't promise they'll help anyone else) and actually by acknowledging my experiences full on, rather than being petrified of them.

We all have different paths, different destinations, different dreams.


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## Tyrone (Feb 28, 2016)

Nice man!


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

What if you have no thoughts???


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

What if you have no thoughts???


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## Andyspb2 (Mar 13, 2016)

What about your visual sympthoms?


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