# My story - effing lenghty ;-)



## Dr. Dazed (Apr 15, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I've been a lurker for just too long and I finally decided to write down my story and share a bit of what I think is my experience with this disorder.

First off, I'm from Germany so excuse possibly faulty grammar or odd phrasing on my part. Also excuse me if the stuff I'm about to write down seems disorganized.

My story begins in the year 2000 when I first gradually slipped into a state of increasing distance from the world aroung me. Back then I was attending the German equivalent of US college. I was an "A student" (sounds f***** up, I know) and felt like I was on the top of the world - I was very narcissistic, treated my girlfriend rather badly according to my moods and seriously believed I had figured it all out - I was cynical and nothing really mattered to me except being better academically than anyone else. I didn't have any specific goals in my life and just lived on a day-to-day basis. I didn't have a whole lot of friends - suprise surprise







. Basically, I was a total pain in the ass.

My mother and father had always had problems in their marriage with my father repeatedly betraying his wife which created an atmosphere of insecurity and alienation since my early childhood. My mother's daughter from her first marriage had meningitis as a baby and is moderately mentally disabled living in a home pretty close. My mother always treated me more or less like a "success project" maybe in order to make up for her "non-functioning" other child and put A LOT of pressure on me as far as academic achievements went since primary school. Both my parents were emotionally next to non available while they did care for me physically. I was never physically abused or shouted at or anything along these lines.

Now in 1999 (at 18) I formed a relationship with my girlfriend and had the time of my life! I felt literally like a god (at one point I even said that to my girlfriend). However, she always told me that she had the impression that I couldn't really feel joy...

When she graduated (she is one year older than me), I was euphoric - feeling that my life had reached some sort of unspecific climax. Then gradually things in my head began to change in a very strange way...

I got up in the morning and felt tired, went to school and felt somewhat detached. Things didn't really excite me anymore and I felt bored with existence. I never smoked pot, drank or did any drugs, but I still was a pill popper taking nasal spray, aspirine and minor stuff, in order not to fall ill - which would have meant that I couldn't have functioned anymore. While before I had felt rooted in my reality all that slowly moved away from me. I felt like I was in a videogame (like in this crazy scence from "The Beach" with DiCaprio), that my vision had changed and that there was a chasm between me and reality. Like I had shifted somehow. Maybe I had always felt a bit like this but had compensated for it. I dunno.

All that began to scare the living fucking hell out of me! I sat in class, sweating, feeling dizzy and feeling this knot of anxiety in my stomach, looking around the once familiar place and feeling that I was in some kind of bad dream. I couldn't feel reality as I used to and was cut off from my memories. I thought I had a brain tumor, schizophrenia, Creutzfeld-Jackob's disases (yeah, for real!







. As graduating drew closer I was terrified: I felt like I would never be able to take the exams because I was so overwhelmingly afraid of EVERYTHING! Of course, I also felt very depressed and I didn't know what was wrong with me. Now followed what is a common theme here: MRI, CATSCAN, bloodworks, spinal tab. All ok. I felt so ashamed because in my family there has always been a strong stigma attached to mental illness or discomfort. I wouldn't tell anyone but my girlfriend.

I started university and could finished it and guess what? I work as an MD-PhD neurologist today. Hah! (don't you trust doctors, they're the most insane ones *lol*). I have actually won several Neuroscience Awards for my research and my life seems perfect from the outside. I have tried: Citalopram, Cipralex, Zoloft, Venlafaxine, Cymbalta, St. John's Wort and have visited many psychiatrists who couldn't really tell me much.

The most problematic things are: I feel I don't have control over my life, I don't know where I'm headed. I feel anxious most of the time, in particular when I feel I can't live up to other people's or my own expectations. I've lost my sense of self. After about 12 years of living like that the GOOD NEWS IS:

- I didn't go insane.
- I did never lose control over myself.
- I have a wonderful wife (the girlfried I mentioned above)
- I can relax particularly in the evening
- I can still feel emotions (anger, envy, love, insecurity, shame)
- I am not as much an asshole as I used to be









But I still feel the pane of glass holding me back. I think it is some sort of protection mechanism but I do not know what it protects me from. I'm afraid that I'm on a completely wrong path in my life. And I sometimes think I should throw everything in my life away so that my brain "resets" itself. But that's a bit drastic.

When I think back I had short episodes of DP when I was younger but it always went away after a couple of seconds.

NEVER GIVE UP! I felt so much incredible pain and anxiety and depression and it has NOT destroyed me. Nor will it destroy you! Reality is the same, you are the same and the world is the same. You just perceive it in a different way. This is a self-defense mechanism.

Reading through this I realize I sound fucking depressing. Sorry for that! I'm actually a rather positive person, I think.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME? Please respond, if you can relate to the ramble above or have some tips...

Cheers,
Dr. Dazed


----------



## Dr. Dazed (Apr 15, 2012)

Hi Bear,

parents beating one up and shouting at you for whatever reason is just a big pile of BS. I DO feel sorry that you went through this. AND I always carry my towel with me just like Douglas Adams recommended it.







Do you have a family? Because one of my greatest fears is that if I'll ever have children I won't be able to care for them as I'm supposed to. I know: There's no school that teaches you how to be a parent anyway, but with this feeling I feel even less up to it. Funny enough my father is a psychologist even though he worked in Marketing Research for his whole career. He doesn't really understand what I'm telling him about how I feel (Just as many bankers don't really understand the financial products they're actually selling to people.







).

Thanks for your input!

Dazed


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

My intuition is telling me you need emotional release. It's the hottest tip for getting out of the "haze" you experience. It also sounds very plausible since you seem to hide your emotions deep down, which I can tell from the way you either feel dead or euphoria, and that you feel you need to stay in absolute control in every situation, and that you have a tight hold on what you think reality should be like.

You know thoughts and emotion changes your biology and brain chemistry, so go ahead and connect your thoughts and memories to emotions and let it out if your system. If it doesn't help, I'll be seriously surprised.

PS, give it a few weeks at least, you need to practice.


----------



## Guest (Apr 15, 2012)

Dr. Dazed said:


> - I didn't go insane.
> - I did never lose control over myself.
> - I have a wonderful wife (the girlfried I mentioned above)
> - I can relax particularly in the evening
> ...


In this way you have practically conquered DP/DR. You live your life despite the constant symptoms causing you suffering. It's something that we all can be proud of you for, and you are setting a good example. Again, welcome to the forum


----------



## mcb (Apr 1, 2012)

definitely seems like you've done well for yourself, a lot of people on here i'm sure would envy the fact you are able to accomplish so much with this condition. obviously though, it's still terrible to be feeling like you are never in the moment and experiencing life to the fullest extent. i think the best way for you to deal with it would be just keep doing what you're doing, don't try to tug at the rope that is dp too much or everything will just unravel. i've been to psychiatrists and doctors and hospitals and had tests done and fed medication but sometimes the best thing for me is just to talk about how i feel and what life feels like for me. talking to someone like your girlfriend or people on here is great for that. wish you luck with finding your own way through this


----------



## mcb (Apr 1, 2012)

also, although im young i too worry about not being able to have children, not being able to care for them or be there emotionally. however, the one thing that can always snap me out of my daydream world is my kitten. when she is meowing for food or attention somehow knowing that i have a responsibility to love and feed and shelter her gives me a little strength. i know a kitten is VERY different to starting a family, but i like to think there are similarities.


----------



## Flea (Oct 15, 2011)

Hiya Dr. Dazed,

You said you had feelings of this when you were a child, but they only lasted for seconds? Me too, I remember looking into a mirror at myself and feeling like I was looking at someone else, it scared the shit out of me. I had that experience a couple of times growing up, but the real onset of the dp feelings came when I was 17 after smoking cannabis, I managed to kind of get over that, although I had a feeling like on that day (of smoking cannabis) a switched was flicked and Ive never been able to flick it back.
More recently I was put on citalopram for anxiety, this unfortunately sent me into the strongest ever feelings of dp, that was last July, and I'm only just starting to feel a little more like the person I was before being put on it.

To be totally honest, this episode of dp has made me somewhat stronger than the person I was before. I am anxious, but I've learnt to deal with it better.

I still find it hard to concentrate for long periods of time, like right now, I'm going to wind this up because my brain cant be arsed to formulate paragraphs...

catch you later.


----------

