# Just started therapy, is this normal?



## smeeshka (Oct 21, 2013)

Hi i am brand new to this site and never have done anything like this before, but I want to see if anyone can relate to me.

I recently began seeing a therapist for the first time for my trouble with a domestic violence issue. After a few weeks of therapy talking things out, and realizing the severity of what I had gone through. Always knowing i was in a bad situation but never realizing the extent. it seems my memory has gotten horrible since the therapy has begun. I dont trust my memories at all, especially ones involving talking about my feelings, any confrontation, or any situations that make me uncomfortable or nervous. I always think i did something horrible, even coming up with scenarios in my head believing them to be true. I always think i do something dumb and out of my character. At first I thought it was just when i went out drinking, but then i realized it has been happening when i am sober as well. ive also been feeling closed off from the world, with a sense of derealization as well.

I couldnt go to therapy these passed 2 weeks because of some scheduling conflicts. someone help me get back into reality please! any tips?

i have almost no self awareness and my attention wanders constantly, i am always distracting myself with pointless things like phone games and stuff. I just want to feel normal again


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## smeeshka (Oct 21, 2013)

Fearless said:


> Smeeshka, you don't have memory issues, you just been through painful things, and you're scared of the pain. I been throught the same. Even at points where I was absolutely sure that I'm ready to face my past, I really wasn't. Dissociation means we tell ourselves to get over it but that way we push those painful memories to the back of our mind, unprocessed. You need to calm down, deeply understand that you are safe now, in order to be ready to calmly think about those things. You still dissociate, because you fear of your memories. They can not kill you, most they can cause is pain, and pain never lasts forever. Keep up.


thanks so much for your input. I just cant help but feel unsafe, i constantly feel like hes stalking me and i recently changed my number so he wouldnt contact me but now im afraid i dont know what his next move will be. plus, after the depersonalization, will the pain im fearing ever be felt?


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## smeeshka (Oct 21, 2013)

SolomonOrlando said:


> I'm recovered, by the way, I'm only here to give my opinion also. To me, it does make sense:
> 
> Depersonalization revolves around fear. You think of something, you get freaked out and continue to entertain it because your mind tries to rationalize it - you never can, so you continue to think about it and be fearful that it's there. As for the identity issue; most people who have an identity crisis like to live a better life than what they're currently going through; ergo, they lie and tend to stick with those lies, believing them as truths to cover up some side of their life that they wish not to disclose. For example, I'm having the same issue: I hate that I'm so dreadfully boring most of the time, so I come up with stories in my free-time to tell other people. I start to tell them to everyone and believe them as truths.
> 
> This is my opinion, I never said that it was completely factual. My information can be used or ignored; doesn't matter which. I'm not here to argue anyway, like I said, that's my personal opinion of it and there are many different opinions out there; relax.


thanks for your comment. i totally get making up memories but i dont know why i make up negative ones too. Its like my inner self is bullying me


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## † Amina † (Sep 25, 2013)

I think to evetually sort out what is your real past and what is not you have to stop thinking about it all together. Your story kind of reminds me of when I was in an a relationship with a guy who was really abusive. I had to seperate myself from him and his friends and just "let go," and trust that with time I would be far away from the issue and with a new life... While I was walking away from him and the life I knew with him it seemed impossible and it seemed like I had nothing to hold on to.. Like I was walking into darkness... The first few months were the worst and it was hard but after about 9 months I was able to see things more clearly.

I think this would be good for you too. Whoever the person might be, or how complicated the situation, time will heal.

Also stop trying to figure out what happened... If you just focus on the positive things and learn to be thankful for what you have it will be hard to be confused and distressed. Things will work themselves out in time but you have to seperate yourself from these things or people that keep you in that place... I don't know what it is but if you have any idea of what could make you distressed and confused then be wise and don't associate or spend your time and energy engaging yout thoughts and actions to whatever it is...

<3


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Fearless said:


> Smeeshka, you don't have memory issues, you just been through painful things, and you're scared of the pain. I been throught the same. Even at points where I was absolutely sure that I'm ready to face my past, I really wasn't. Dissociation means we tell ourselves to get over it but that way we push those painful memories to the back of our mind, unprocessed. You need to calm down, deeply understand that you are safe now, in order to be ready to calmly think about those things. You still dissociate, because you fear of your memories. They can not kill you, most they can cause is pain, and pain never lasts forever. Keep up.


So True man, I just realizes today after talking with my Grandmother that I have suppressed and repressed a lot of things from my past to the point I don't even remember my childhood, nor do I remember much of anything from my past. I sometimes look at all my things and think "holy shit! this is my car? This is my cat? this is my Job?" its like I am in a dream and never wake up. I am detached from my past, emotions and surroundings. I know my subconscious mind is crying to process the trauma but I refuse because I fear it will be too much and I will break into psychosis and never return. But I have to face it! or die trying.


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

Cot damn. Sometimes I do feel my parents made me afraid to believe in my dreams. It's like "Hey, I want to do this".... "No, don't do that because....".

My family occasionally looks at me like I'm wasted potential. Potential to do what? Become a millionaire or something? lol.

lol they haven't been totally unsupportive of me though.


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