# I'm better but confused



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Once again I'm posting out of pure frustration, I don't know where to turn for answers other than you guys.

I'm a lot better than I used to be. A year ago everything felt very different than it does now, so I know I'm less dp'd.
My problem is I'm still so confused and I have a lot of issues with my sense of identity and my memories are a mess.
I feel like my symptoms doesn't match the dp symptoms that well anymore, which scares me even when I sort of know it must be because I'm better.
Do any of you who have had dp for a good while question if you are still dp'd, or if you are just.. insane?
I don't know how to put it. I don't feel right at all, I feel very wrong, but I can't describe it. It's like I'm not me, like I don't exist, like it's not solid. I feel empty and like I just do stuff without being able to really experience them. 
I don't feel like my kids are my kids or my boyfriend is my boyfriend which scares the hell out of me.

What's going on? Is it just another step on the way out? I function pretty well apart from this trouble in my mind. I have lost the feeling of being stoned and in a black hole. My body has returned and I feel things again. Sort of.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

York said:


> Once again I'm posting out of pure frustration, I don't know where to turn for answers other than you guys.
> 
> I'm a lot better than I used to be. A year ago everything felt very different than it does now, so I know I'm less dp'd.
> My problem is I'm still so confused and I have a lot of issues with my sense of identity and my memories are a mess.
> ...


hmmm, I agree that a large part of the definitive DP symptoms have left for me. At least I'm not longer very aware of them. But as you, I just feel completely wrong and non-existent. Thought I am certainly somewhat improved from when this first started. Nevertheless, any quality in life has long departed. Good it has changed somewhat though - it may be part of the path.


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## Guest (Mar 27, 2012)

I too am ALOT better than before. But I still feel off. The symptoms are all the same, but the intensity has turned way, way down.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

York said:


> It's like I'm not me, like I don't exist, like it's not solid. I feel empty and like I just do stuff without being able to really experience them.


This definitely sounds like DP/DR as I get all of those symptoms on a daily basis. It's great that you feel you have improved in some ways, but it sounds like there are still some lingering dissociative symptoms.


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## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

I can sympathise with you York.

A year ago, I was struggling to even attend College with how bad my anxiety and dp were.

Now, I can do almost anything because my symptoms have decreased in intensity so much, I no longer have any existential thoughts at all. But, something still doesn't feel right and I can't put my finger on what. Like you I question whether I even have dp/dr anymore! But still I don't feel the same as I did before dp/dr.

Things have improved so much so I'm thinking positively that after another year I should be leading a normal life again.


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## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

Double post, sorry.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

PhoenixDown said:


> hmmm, I agree that a large part of the definitive DP symptoms have left for me. At least I'm not longer very aware of them. But as you, I just feel completely wrong and non-existent. Thought I am certainly somewhat improved from when this first started. Nevertheless, any quality in life has long departed. Good it has changed somewhat though - it may be part of the path.


How long have you felt like you do now? I've gone through weeks or months with "one" set of symptoms, then it has changed. I wonder if 
this is the last one before recovery, but I've had it since before christmas..


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Chris P Bacon said:


> I can sympathise with you York.
> 
> A year ago, I was struggling to even attend College with how bad my anxiety and dp were.
> 
> ...


It's hard to not be able to look at it and label it, like see it on an xray. That's what I hate. I just want to know what's wrong! I've had the same thought as you, if I feel like this now, maybe it's gone in a year. I hope I just forget all about how it felt!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

u dont have any existential thoughts anymore.. did u have them bad? i had em awful.. and then the last month r two they basically went. despite the odd moment wen i was anxious.. but for sum reason i am having sum sort of set bak at the mo and all the thoughts are bak and i feel so upset scared and depressed... and utterly lost again.... did set backs happen to you ...


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## ihatethis (Mar 13, 2012)

Hmm, This looks like a trend guys and the only way I can see it is that we are on our way out of this mess! I too am significantly better, but the "off" and "wow am i really here?" feelings are still there. There has to be something to it that we are all at this stage.


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## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

katiej said:


> u dont have any existential thoughts anymore.. did u have them bad? i had em awful.. and then the last month r two they basically went. despite the odd moment wen i was anxious.. but for sum reason i am having sum sort of set bak at the mo and all the thoughts are bak and i feel so upset scared and depressed... and utterly lost again.... did set backs happen to you ...


I don't think I've really fretted over an existential thought for at least six months, but yeah I had them really bad at one point, they were probably at their worst between April and July last year.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Any sorta advice ? Were they bad to the point wer u wer terrified of the world around u and living in it? It makes me feel like ive never been here before and dot understand anythin at all
.... It truly is terrifying to be alive at the moment . Just wondering if u have ever been that bad at times .


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## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

Yeah of course, it would make me very depressed.

I would look at my mother who I love very much and just think "what if she isnt real?".

It sounds pathetic and I know how crazy it is.

Believe me I was really tortured by them and now I very rarely get them and when I do they don't even scare me.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

mine is like that.. but also it goes deeper its like... but even tho she is real.. why, and how do i know this.. wats a mam? am i being tricked into following this weird life... why does it exist at all. how do i have a body... ! i feel like i have been brainwashed since i was a kid to jsut go along with this life... and i never questioned it .. untill now.. is that still dissociation.. ? im not spaced anymore... im depressed and so very scared of my own existence. x


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## Jpa (Oct 10, 2012)

York said:


> Once again I'm posting out of pure frustration, I don't know where to turn for answers other than you guys.
> 
> I'm a lot better than I used to be. A year ago everything felt very different than it does now, so I know I'm less dp'd.
> My problem is I'm still so confused and I have a lot of issues with my sense of identity and my memories are a mess.
> ...


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## Jpa (Oct 10, 2012)

I feel this same way! I came out of the whole out of body detachment feeling but I feel like I have no clue who I am. I was more attached to my family during the depersonalization phase. As I gradually started to ignore the feelings like I was supposed to do it went away but i feel different with my kids and husband. My dreams are different too. I can't sleep and I have no feelings for anything. This horrible experience had ruined my life and I can't laugh at anything because of all the horrible thoughts I had about life. R u feeling any better? Please let me know how u r handling it. Any suggestions on trying to find myself again. I remember everything except my old identity. Makes no sense. Please help.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Chris P Bacon said:


> I can sympathise with you York.
> 
> A year ago, I was struggling to even attend College with how bad my anxiety and dp were.
> 
> ...


This is me EXACTLY. I feel like I don't have dp/dr except that I do. Every symptom is gone except that I have bad memory problems and that I just don't feel like I did before. I feel normal except that I don't.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

It's been a while since I posted the original post. I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Some days I feel like I can cope and that I'm on my way to recovery, then there are days where I seriously want to just end it all. My identity is still lost, but I'm so used to it I mostly ignore it. I think that bothers me the most, how the days go by and I accept having this missing identity disorder. I think I've given up. At least in the sense I don't bother getting help from others anymore. I feel like I'm the only one, so I just keep walking until one day I will recover or fall over the edge and die. I think things would feel better if I wasn't so poor. If I had some freedom to do things, not just be a mom. It feels like I need to run away and be free for a while, but I can't. I'm stuck in so many areas of my life, maybe that's why I don't recover. I can't sleep from worrying about money, I don't like how it seems life is all about getting bread on the table. I'm seriously worried I'll commit suicide, I'm better from the dissociation but I'm so far from happy it's ridiculous.


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## StayinUp (Oct 24, 2012)

Man I totaly know how that feels. I think i'm at the same stage as you... It feels like i'm not getting any feedback from my surroundings...like i'm just here. Everything looks weird, nothing feels right, and it all goes by in a flash. Like every new second i forget the one that preceded it. I'm also thrown off by how all you can really do is accept it. I don't have the mental energy to try and do anything else. Like you said, it feels like I just have to wait until I feel better or wait until I don't wake up one day. I'm scared of waking up one day and just being so derealized that i'm some robot on auto-pilot.... In my heart I know there'll be a day when this is gone tho. I know getting those anxiety levels down is key (which seems almost impossible since this disorder consumes almost every aspect of waking existance). But we gotta do what we can. Anyway, I don't know you, or your situation but I hope you don't give up. I pray things get better for you and your family and that you find the strength to keep on fighting. God bless.

lol I just read over what i wrote and didn't really remember. This disorder is lame... : \


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

lol.. I know how you feel! I have big memory problems too. Thank you for your kind words and yes, it seems like we're in the same place. About waking up one day and being a robot; one thing that's helped me a lot is to try and express emotion more, and acknowledge what I truly feel through the day. To never tell myself to ignore thoughts and feelings, which I've done (do) a LOT. I hope that helps you too, it's brought a little bit of light and life into my body. I used to feel like I was concrete from my neck down just a year ago (dp-time: one human week equals one dp year).


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