# hopeless in cleveland



## joepana88 (Jan 13, 2014)

I'll start off by saying I am 25 and from cleveland ohio. I have been a drug abuser since about 14. Tried extacy when I was 19 and probably ended when I was 22... the last time I did it I was already experiencing seemingly lingering effects of dp or dr from the extacy (which is why I kept doing them bc when on the extacy those feeling dissipated) yet when it wore off, they returned... a vicious cycle. I havent touched extacy since I was 22 and I am 25 now and all day everyday I have these debilitating effects which I never had before my usage of extacy. I used to be so social, smart, funny and just outgoing and lively and now I just feel dead. Like literally just a shell of a person. I am in a paralyzingly surreal dream state where as everything seems completely fake, meaningless, and life seems almost scripted as if it is a giant screenplay. I have no depth perception (I somewhat do, but not really. Spacial awareness is distorted. I am void of human emotion, I used to be so caring and empathetic and sympathetic, n now I can even begin to try conjuring up those feelings. I honestly feel like my life is over. I have done everything I can do n its to no avail. The world seems so fake and meaningless. My balance is shot to shit. When I'm in a car with someone driving it seems as though everything is zoomed in and zoomed out. Idk how to describe. Almost as if were stationary in a car and the earth is just a slideshow going past. Anyways it is trippy. Conversations, used to be free flowing and almost second nature, but it takes so much for meto focus that i honestly feel l have to prepare mentally n put so much energy into my thoughts n what I'm about to say whereas I never had too before... it leaves me drained... I never used to feel like this pre ex... it has been so long since I have felt normal that I can't even remember what it felt like to even feel "normal" but I know I liked it more than this bc I never used to sit and think about how meaningless life is, when I think back, I used to enjoy life. And it sucks bc I let a drug that I was uneducated about and ignorant to cobsequences ruin my life. I just want to feel again and not see life through a distorted hazy pair of eyes and actually have mental clarity and be able to be someone and do something with my life. I have been addicted to opiates for the last 3-4 years and honestly that is the only time that my symptoms of dpdr are relieved (I am still dissasocciated, and out of it when I'm on them.) But I feel as though I have energy, I am able too talk easier with people and feel as though I can connect and feel feelings when I am on them. As soon as I'm off though, its right back to shit. And I just got put on probation for a charge I got when I was 20 (had a warrant n didnt find out till a friend was pulled over about 2 months ago) so I will be drug tested so ive stopped opiates and now my symptoms are unbearable. But if I fail a test I will have to deal w them in jail (not possible) so I have to figure something out. Ive tried everything and nothing works. Ive researched so much. Ive ate clean, exercised for a year straight, quit smoking. 5htp. St johns wort. Ginko. Vitamins. Etc etc clean eating. Whole foods. Not processed. Literally everything. My eyes feel like a broken camera lens that can't focus. It sucks so bad its unreal, I dont want to live bc I dont feel as though I'm living anyways. Ive read that drugs like ex (ones that are directly affecting your brain and serotonin) can trigger ur sympathetic nervous system (what causes flight or fight) to be activated in people in times of danger, well they can actually cause it to remain activated even when theres no stress on it. Causing you to be permanently be in a state of fight or flight. And anxiety can cause a whole wide array of the symptoms of dpdr. Its a double edged sword.ANY DRUG that messes with any function in your brain to cause desirable affects, is bc its affecting your neurochemistry, can also have undesirable effects. Mine will probably last the remainder of my life  this shit is no joke n now I'll continue to pay for it with my life and my livelihood so be careful. Its gotten so bad that I just want a cat scan bc I'm sure there has to be something fd up with my brain. Whether lesions or holes in my frontal lobe or whatever. Something is and has been entirely wrong for a long time. My blood tests are perfect, so its something n I just want to heal and feel right again. Has anyone been through a similar experience and have any advice or anything to offer help. I feel hopeless honestly. Joe


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Hi there! Ive been through something very similar with exstacy, lsd, weed and alcohol.......I can totally relate to the hopelessness you feel...But i can tell you in time it will improve...

I found Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous to be of great benefit to me....I dont drink, smoke or take drugs now and I can emphatically say it has no doubt helped me to improve....I dont claim to be cured of DP but I can honestly say over time I have learned to live with it better....

The worst thing in my experience about DP is feeling like you cant talk to anybody about it...In fact i often used to feel that the DP wanted me to hide it from the world...I often felt that talking about DP and telling people about it would only make it worse....Dont hide it...

Dont do that....Talk about it....Tell people how you feel....Find people who understand that you are feeling this way...

I made the huge mistake for a long time of hiding this awful condition from others because i feared nobody would understand...Now i know that this condition is very common and im not the only freak in the world with it....Yes DP is very misunderstood and most doctors know nothing about it but im telling you from what ive learned in the last 18 months or so this is all changing and people are recovering and there is help...

You are not alone anymore...I promise...hang in there!


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## joepana88 (Jan 13, 2014)

Thank you eddy so much for your response... the only person ive ever told was my mom and my sister. And while ive told them I think that they think its an exaggeration and is all in my head to apoint. It just sucks knowing that theyll never fully know or uunderstand what this feels like(not that I would ever wish this on anyone) but just wish there was a way to explain the severity and how crippled I actually feel from not being able to feel at all from this dreamstate we call reality... I am honestly just going to try and be optomistic. I really appreciate your input and I think I have to go to na and aa meetings for court to stay out of jail so maybe I'll give it a go again. Another thing, for whatever reason, the longer I stay up and the more tired I feel, the worse my. Dp gets.. I had court today off one hour of sleep and was rhere for five hours and then had too walk 4 miles back home, I was freaking out thinking I wasnt going to make it. I felt so zoned out, had insane vertigo as if I was walking on a unstable boat at sea. And it felt like a imagined dream the whole time... when I got home I was so out of it and exhausted from my anxiety that I just went in my bed and passed out... my dp dr is always pretty intense at a normal level but the symptoms fluctuate between intense and super intense. Today was super intense. The less sleep I get. The worse my symptoms. I need 8 hrs a night any less n I feel tired and my dp is ten times worse. It just sucks. Bc I used to sleep two hours a night when I was younger and be fine and be awake all day doing stuff.... ugghhhh I'm rambling thank you for taking the time to respond to me. It means a lot. And I like that I found this site BC I was near being completely hopeless n just giving up. And now I feel like there may be hope... thanks again.... oh yeah. I'm on a phone. But I was wondering how you make ur profile picture. I hate being blank. Lol


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Hey try to hang in there  I know exactly how u are feeling I am sick of being in a hazy dream also and not being able to connect to people.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Fearless said:


> You are a lot stronger than you may now think you are, Joe.
> 
> Read this site : nothingworks.weebly.com and may check my blog if you want (don't get scared of the amount of subjects and posts, I'm a creative type I like to write a lot lol)
> 
> ...


Wow...is this the "new" fearless ?
He actually has some compassion ? 
He is human after all....LOL

Great to see this side of ur personality fearless! Ha ha


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Fearless said:


> Fuh... Get a spine.


Oh wait no...he's still the old one..lol


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Fearless said:


> Keep doing it baby, the only thing you are fking up is your own spine and conscience. Keep doing it.


Ok I'm lost now...wat r u talking about?


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## joepana88 (Jan 13, 2014)

Thank you both fearless and missjess.. I am going to check out the website you suggested


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## heartless (Apr 29, 2013)

My cousin went through an mdma induced dp, and it took him 1 year to put a name to this problem. But once he knew it's dp and could research it, he began to recover and after 7 months he was dp free. It shows u 2 things:

dp is a psychological problem. It can be fixed, under the proper mindset.
to recover, u have to study it and take action.


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## Guest (Jan 17, 2014)

Ohhh missjess and 'Fearless' .. You know don't you?? You're destined for each other.This 'marriage'.. it's a beautiful theng to be a witness to.

What are your children going to be named??

MissFear?? Ohh yeah.. that'd be mischievous! Or should we make that.. Missfire??

Ohhh Nooo!! Got it!... JessLess

M


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