# DP - lost myself totally



## bradcloet

Hi there,

hmmmm, so I'm kinda new to actually joining this forum and this is my first post, I've been pretty in all honest terms "scared" of sharing any personal information about myself, but its been a while now and I think its time









I would first like to thank you for listening to my story and complaints

I am 25 years old,

4 years depersonalized.

In a few simple words....hmm ok for this there is absolutely none.....

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY lost the person that I used to be,

I am absolutely numb emotion wise, It doesn't even feel like I'm living anymore, I'm merely existing in a world that I cant and could not explain to anyone who would understand this affliction unless they have personally had this "disorder". The worst part is, I appear absolutely normal to the outside party observing me, but feel completely disconnected and unrelated to practically anything happening in the world today. I am not real, I don't exist...I cant be cured... these are the thoughts that race through my being on a everyday basis.

My desperation for some sort of relief to this perpetual nightmare of a semi awake dream , has lead me to a exhausting any known resources. Well according to the psychologist I'm to head smart and tend to over think everything I come across, I overthink the deeper meaning of things i.e. life!! and what it means??? and everything interconnected! It's way to much for me to handle, I've basically almost lost control of everything... I am so "In simple terms" FUCKED! as the movie based upon this disorder "Numb" suggests.

The old "former self" has died, and I'm left with a very baldy functioning version of myself that seems to get weaker by the day...

My hope in finding a cure is pretty much gone.
If there is anyone within this community that may be able to assist me or guide me, I would forever owe them eternally...

Appreciation for listening to me ranting!!!..

Kind Regards, 
Brad


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## insaticiable

bradcloet said:


> I am absolutely numb emotion wise, It doesn't even feel like I'm living anymore, I'm merely existing in a world that I cant and could not explain to anyone who would understand this affliction unless they have personally had this "disorder". *The worst part is, I appear absolutely normal to the outside party observing me, but feel completely disconnected and unrelated to practically anything happening in the world today.* I am not real, I don't exist...I cant be cured... these are the thoughts that race through my being on a everyday basis.


Man, I can so relate to this...esp the part I highlighted.

You are definitely not alone, Brad.

Welcome to the forums.

Go to the ''On the Road to Recovery'' section of the forums and read through some of the recovery posts...they may be able to help guide you in the right direction.


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## PhoenixDown

hmmmmmm..... you're probably fucked. Stick in there for another 6 years though.. see if the impossible happens.

I'm closing in on 2 years. I feel fucking destroyed man. Nightmare of epic proportions. Surprised I've made it this far to be honest.


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## Freya4SmilesAgain

Hey there Mr,
Welcome







It's great you found this place and when you are feeling your worst it is always nice to know there are others out there who actually get it and can understand how you are feeling. It is frustrating when your friends or family etc can't seem to get their head around it. Keep going and know that it can get better. I was better for a few months (I know that isn't ages but you'll understand that with this that is a huge deal







) Know that you aren't alone, ever and you can talk whenever you want. I'm about 6 years into this disorder thing and I get how it is, as do many of the others. So anyways WELCOME! And hope you're okay.
Love Freya XxX


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## Jpa

Why is it that I totally came out of the detachment and out of body experience but I feel like I have no clue who I am? I only had it for 5 months and I can't remember how I used to feel. I felt more connected to my family during the detachment phase. I re trained my brain and felt myself come out of it but I feel like I have no clue who I am. All the horrible thoughts about life have just killed me and I have no desire for anything now or any feelings. Any suggestions? Do y'all feel this way or r y'all still out of body detached?


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## thedreamingtree

[quote*]I am absolutely numb emotion wise, It doesn't even feel like I'm living anymore, I'm merely existing in a world that I cant and could not explain to anyone who would understand this affliction unless they have personally had this "disorder". The worst part is, I appear absolutely normal to the outside party observing me, but feel completely disconnected and unrelated to practically anything happening in the world today. I am not real, I don't exist...I cant be cured... these are the thoughts that race through my being on a everyday basis.*[/quote]

Hi Brad,
I know what this feels like, and I deal with it on a daily basis. You're not alone. I am numb to my emotions most of the time, and when I am not numb, the emotions I feel suck - such as panic, despair, hopelessness, etc. It takes a LOT for me to feel an emotion that feels good these days. 
Anyway, what I have found that helps is when you start repeating that vicious carousel of thoughts "I am not real, I don't exist, I can't be cured...etc" - what you need to try to do is counteract it with something else immediately. Distraction, for me, has been really key in helping me at least push my DP/DR off to the side, or at least lessen its intensity a bit. If you sit there and mull over it, it does absolutely no good, and puts you even further into a DP/DR state. If you're sitting down when you get a flood of these thoughts, GET UP - walk around, talk to someone. I have also found that running my hands under cold water, snapping a rubber band against my wrist, clapping my hands, petting my guinea pig - simple things like that can bring you back down a little bit - the sensation of physical touch can actually do a lot more than you'd think. I'm telling you, master the art of distraction and it will provide at least a small amount of relief. Have sex, get exercise, go out of your house and do things. Go out to eat at a restaurant - even if the restaurant and the people in it look strange and unreal - do it anyway. I know that for me, often times my DP/DR will actually be triggered by going out to eat at a busy restaurant, or going anywhere where there are a lot of people, I will even feel panic attack symptoms - but honestly, the more you avoid participating in those situations, the more it feeds into your DP/DR. Sometimes you have to go through it to get over it. You have to find a way to live your life as normally as possible, even when the anxiety becomes unbearable. Right now, I'm just hoping I can fake it 'til I make it.

[quote*]My desperation for some sort of relief to this perpetual nightmare of a semi awake dream , has lead me to a exhausting any known resources. Well according to the psychologist I'm to head smart and tend to over think everything I come across, I overthink the deeper meaning of things i.e. life!! and what it means??? and everything interconnected! It's way to much for me to handle, I've basically almost lost control of everything... I am so "In simple terms" FUCKED! as the movie based upon this disorder "Numb" suggests.*[/quote]

Oh, yes... existential questioning - what does life mean? how did we get here? blah blah - I am currently trying to sort through my own existential crisis. Asking yourself those questions absolutely seems to exacerbate DP/DR in every way possible. Those questions honestly have no concrete answers, and your mind can't deal with that fact - so it spirals into yet another DP/DR state. It is a terrible cycle, and I am struggling with it right now as well. I feel like in order for me to feel some kind of peace, I need to find some kind of resolution to these questions - though the fact of the matter, realistically, is we will never truly know the answers. I will let you know if I find better ways of coping with existential thoughts, but for now I feel sort of fucked when it comes to this. While I do try to apply distraction techniques to my existential questioning and thoughts, they still seem to creep back very quickly.

I hope you find help on this site... I am new here as well. It seems like a good place to vent concerns, explore ways to cope with this, and connect with others.


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## falcontk

thedreamingtree said:


> Hi Brad,
> I know what this feels like, and I deal with it on a daily basis. You're not alone. I am numb to my emotions most of the time, and when I am not numb, the emotions I feel suck - such as panic, despair, hopelessness, etc. It takes a LOT for me to feel an emotion that feels good these days.
> Anyway, what I have found that helps is when you start repeating that vicious carousel of thoughts "I am not real, I don't exist, I can't be cured...etc" - what you need to try to do is counteract it with something else immediately. Distraction, for me, has been really key in helping me at least push my DP/DR off to the side, or at least lessen its intensity a bit. If you sit there and mull over it, it does absolutely no good, and puts you even further into a DP/DR state. If you're sitting down when you get a flood of these thoughts, GET UP - walk around, talk to someone. I have also found that running my hands under cold water, snapping a rubber band against my wrist, clapping my hands, petting my guinea pig - simple things like that can bring you back down a little bit - the sensation of physical touch can actually do a lot more than you'd think. I'm telling you, master the art of distraction and it will provide at least a small amount of relief. Have sex, get exercise, go out of your house and do things. Go out to eat at a restaurant - even if the restaurant and the people in it look strange and unreal - do it anyway. I know that for me, often times my DP/DR will actually be triggered by going out to eat at a busy restaurant, or going anywhere where there are a lot of people, I will even feel panic attack symptoms - but honestly, the more you avoid participating in those situations, the more it feeds into your DP/DR. Sometimes you have to go through it to get over it. You have to find a way to live your life as normally as possible, even when the anxiety becomes unbearable. Right now, I'm just hoping I can fake it 'til I make it.
> 
> Oh, yes... existential questioning - what does life mean? how did we get here? blah blah - I am currently trying to sort through my own existential crisis. Asking yourself those questions absolutely seems to exacerbate DP/DR in every way possible. Those questions honestly have no concrete answers, and your mind can't deal with that fact - so it spirals into yet another DP/DR state. It is a terrible cycle, and I am struggling with it right now as well. I feel like in order for me to feel some kind of peace, I need to find some kind of resolution to these questions - though the fact of the matter, realistically, is we will never truly know the answers. I will let you know if I find better ways of coping with existential thoughts, but for now I feel sort of fucked when it comes to this. While I do try to apply distraction techniques to my existential questioning and thoughts, they still seem to creep back very quickly.
> 
> I hope you find help on this site... I am new here as well. It seems like a good place to vent concerns, explore ways to cope with this, and connect with others.


When I was reading this, I thought for sure I was reading something I wrote, because this sounds exactly like me. You'd think that once you're over an initial state of anxiety (and the anxious, existential thoughts), that you'd never think about 'em again, but they change you. You can't not think about them. It just logically makes sense to try to understand them. I have tried distraction (which helps a bit) and I have tried research, but nothing works. I just end up feeling more unreal and it doesn't help lol. And I agree about forcing yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable. You just have to. Even when things feel strange and unreal, just do it. Even if you feel paranoid or start obsessing over the reality of things, just do it. What have you got to lose? If none of this was real, then you wouldn't really be losing anything, right?

Although, it is very hard. Very, very hard when you're trying to stop the existential questions, but you just can't stop thinking about them. And if you do stop thinking about them, you still have this weird feeling inside you because things weren't answered. Sigh. Fucked up feeling.


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## amarpreet123

Yeah brad u just described me


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## thedreamingtree

falcontk said:


> When I was reading this, I thought for sure I was reading something I wrote, because this sounds exactly like me. You'd think that once you're over an initial state of anxiety (and the anxious, existential thoughts), that you'd never think about 'em again, but they change you. You can't not think about them. It just logically makes sense to try to understand them. I have tried distraction (which helps a bit) and I have tried research, but nothing works. I just end up feeling more unreal and it doesn't help lol. And I agree about forcing yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable. You just have to. Even when things feel strange and unreal, just do it. Even if you feel paranoid or start obsessing over the reality of things, just do it. What have you got to lose? If none of this was real, then you wouldn't really be losing anything, right?
> 
> Although, it is very hard. Very, very hard when you're trying to stop the existential questions, but you just can't stop thinking about them. And if you do stop thinking about them, you still have this weird feeling inside you because things weren't answered. Sigh. Fucked up feeling.


Yeah, I agree... once the switch went on in my brain that triggered the existential thinking, it seems it cannot be turned off. And yes, definitely, go on living life as normal as possible. Do not let it consume you.

But yeah... the existential thoughts are consistently there since the first time they randomly appeared... some days I'll be in full-on existential crisis mode, especially when these thoughts first started surfacing. I feel like I basically have some form of OCD, possibly the purely obsessional (pure o) form. I do not have any compulsions (like checking, or counting, hand washing, etc.) but I definitely have obsessive thoughts. Lately, the obsessive thoughts cycle between existential and fear of going crazy/becoming delusional/getting a worse mental disorder. I can't decide which is worse, they are both extremely troubling and I wish I never had to think about any of this again. I'm debating taking Lexapro for my anxiety and obsessive thought patterns, but am very anti- taking a pill every day. Do you take any meds?


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## Guest

I know what you mean, I've had a nervous breakdown over the past few days and my obsessive/intrusive thoughts have been purely based on existential stuff. I wrote about me breakdown here, but don't read it if you feel it will trigger you.

This isn't actually the first time I have ruminated about existence and the meaning of everything, but when I did before, I had a much better outlook on it. I will quote what I posted regarding these thoughts at that time:

I just wanted to mention something that helped with my dp and existential thoughts - At first with both I completely freaked out at them, but as I experienced them more I started to realise how ridiculous they were making me feel. With the existential thoughts, I'd think to myself "Look, this is life. Nomatter how I feel, I'm not going to get out of it without being dead and I don't WANT to be dead because there are so many things in life I want to do. I may not know WHY I am here, or why I was born as me, or why we are sitting on a big ball in this thing called space, but does that really matter? I don't need to know WHY. I just need to learn use what I have been given for some reason, and what I have been given is this life. It's not all bad. In fact, it's beautiful and I appreciate it. I'm going to stop wondering why, how and who.

I am like an ant, in my colony, and whatever the bigger things in life do or are all about, this is not my business, I don't know, and I don't need to care/know. My business is to be a good and happy ant and take responsibility for my place in this life. Because nomatter how small I am compared to the bigger things, I AM important, I DO have a purpose, and I am here to grow in size and in spirit. I am small, and small is the range where my thoughts only need to be. Any further and I become an unhappy ant. A scaredy ant. I am not supposed to take on the responsibility or thoughts of those bigger than I am. So I don't. 
---

If you think about it, it is unlikely that animals actually care/ask about why they are here, and they get on in life following their instincts just fine. Sure they have fears, but those fears are directed at where they should be - real threats. As humans we are too intelligent fir our own good, and as there is no real threat to us, we have the time to let our minds wander into these kinds of territories. If thoughts about existence come to us in a particularly stressful time of our life, we are far more likely to pay them attention and give them meaning when there really is no meaning to them.
I believe now, from my recent non-stop ruminating, that I have OCD and that treatment for it would be VERY helpful. Google existential OCD and you will find many topics like this one. I have had to stop googling though, because although it is comforting to know that you are not alone, it is also counter-productive as you are subconsciously collecting other people's worries and negativity.


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