# My daily diary.



## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

Hi everyone.

This week I started to write a diary of everything I feel day to day. I'm doing it to see if it will help me in any way, and also thought it might be something to share and discuss with others.

So please feel free to comment if you can relate to it, have any advice for me, or if you want to discuss the content within. I will say it reads very much like I'm rambling half the time, so hopefully it makes sense.

One thing I would like to ask people is if this does indeed seem like dp/dr or disassociation? I still haven't got a proper diagnosis and to be honest don't know if I actually exist.

Anyway I will post the first three entries I've made below this introduction. I will try to update it every day. Just so you don't get confused; 'Issi' is my girllfriend, and 'Ma' is what I call my mother. Anyway, thanks in advance for reading.

*Experiences/ diary of my issues.*

*31/05/2017*

Today I went for a long walk around Stockley Park. When I was in the park at the top of the hill, I was looking out at the horizon seeing rows of trees and mostly natural land. It seemed impossible that being as I was in a town I could only see nature in the distance. This made me conclude of course that the world wasn't real and didn't make sense.

This evening we were watching the election debate. I still can't seem to grasp the existence of people around me. It feels like they are not actualy there, and when I say things related to what is happening in my surrondings it doesn't feel like I am actually in the moment. It feels like the things coming out of my mouth aren't actually things related to my thoughts. I find it funny how I can talk about normal things, yet I don't believe I am real or the world is real. It's like things I am talking about don't actually exist or that I am watching someone else talk about these things.

I haven't been concentrating as much on my talking today. Things I've said have mostly been about the things mentioned above and felt like I was talking about things that don't exist. When I really think about it still, I can't work out how I am shaping words. It doesn't make sense to me how I am able to do so. Doesn't make logical sense that I am making a combination of shapes with my mouth. It doesn't feel like it is me talking. It feels automatic.

*01/06/2017*

I'm going to start with the thoughts that have plagued me this evening. Yet again I feel like im convinced that I'm not living in the real world. Like somehow I'm in a different world. I don't know if this is a thought, or if I actually think this. I tend to believe it, my head is so muddled up. Why can't I think about things normally? I read about this thing called cotard syndrome which seems to have some of my characteristics. It says it's rare. If I had it, would I actually think or know I had it? If I really thought the world wasn't real, would I worry about having it? Makes me feel so lost.

I went out with Issi today. She was her normal self. I am still getting my usual thoughts when out and about with her though. I seemed able to cope reasonably well though as normal speaking just seemed to be happening, and I was talking about subjects that I don't really think are there. 
Had a therapist session. I was talking alot so didn't actually have time to really think about how I was actually doing it. It's weird how it's got to the point that when I don't think about how I'm doing it, I'm worried about the fact that I am not thinking about it. She obviously doesn't seem to think there's anything more wrong with me than 'disassociation' and anxiety. Well she hasn't called anyone to wheel me away yet.

I keep thinking I just want someone to come and take care of me. I feel like I don't have the energy or strength to do this myself. I can't believe that I am not in hospital if I am indeed real and just ill. If nobody is doing this, is this evidence that I'm not in the real world? I just want to be sure of myself. I want to know what is right and be confident in what is going on, but I don't.

*02/06/2017*

Today has been a bad day. I don't know where to begin. I'm struggling with the sheer amount of thoughts and ideas that I am having. I seem to be thinking different things minute by minute. I have been very confused and worried about all of them.
So it started of this morning with a continuation of what I was thinking last night. Yet somehow today it seemed to develop and I feel in a complete muddle. I will write all of the thoughts I've had in the order I remember them.
I literally can't seem to accept that all I am is unwell. It's almost as if I have disassociated from that along with everything else. That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. That all the confused thoughts I've had today are simply because of illness. But somehow I don't believe it. I feel like I am not ill. The idea of illness has no meaning to me. This leads me to of course conclude yet again THAT I AM NOT REAL.

I'm also struggling with the fact that my thoughts and ideas seem to have changed so much over time. For some reason this feels wrong. My opinion and feeling on something can literally change at the snap of a finger. I start to conclude that it is wrong for one person to have this many thoughts and opinions therefore this can't actually be happening. It is especially troubling when I think back to the supposed person I used to be. Completely different to this person I am now. That person could accept things, and draw logical conclusions from all the thoughts in his head, and the things that surrounded him. Am I a different person to that guy? Am I somehow in a different universe?

Looking back at my writing now, I can't even remember alot of the things that were going around my head today. The one thing I can say is that I feel so unconvinced that I am actually ill and that something isn't happening. I don't know what that is, but I just know I have no feeling towards the words 'ill' or 'anxiety' and no association with either words. Therefore it feels like that can't be whats wrong with me.

While all these thoughts were going on, I did go out today. I went to Uxbridge with Ma and barely talked. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on around me. I just replied flippantly to any questions and continued thinking. Writing this now, it is fairly hard to put anything that has happened in to words. When Issi text me earlier, I tried to tell her what I was feeling, but I couldn't seem to put it in to words on the text. I don't know if it is because I was scared of what she would think, or if it is because it is impossible to put in to words. I guess that is what it is, I don't actually know what I feel, I can't interpret anything. But then again I get confused over how sometimes I can feel like I have all the answers, and then the next moment I feel that I was wrong to have those answers and didn't consider something else.

Looking back some more, this reads like an absolute mess, which I guess is what my mind is like at the moment. I can't seem to trust any conclusion. I will try not to think of it, yet it feels that I need to, yet I know that wont help. But then I worry about the times I'm not thinking about these things. It seems almost like there is two different people thinking different things at different times. Nothing seems possible.

I was going to write about the rest of the day, but the thoughts and feelings were much the same, and I seem to keep going off in tangents. If I were an outsider looking at this, it would look to me like the thoughts of a rambling mad man. I will say that I did go to bed and sleep for two hours as soon as I got home, just to get away from all of this.
I will finish the entry by saying that I just feel very insecure, and all of the feelings I have had over the last few months have really got to me today. I can't seem to accept the fact that they have been and gone and I can get over them. Oh well we will see what tomorrow brings.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

Here are my entries from the past two days:

*03/06/2017*

Today can best be described as the hangover from yesterday. I woke up late and didn't really want to get out of bed or do anything. Ma kept on at me about going out to see Ian later on in the day, but I knew I really didn't want to go. I eventually got up still having the thought that I am in a completely different world to what I used to be in. Still not sure what I believe.

Ended up arguing with Ma over the going out. That was a surreal experience, arguing with someone I didn't actually believe was there. I ended up hugging her afterwards and weeping. I think she understood how I felt in the end. I don't know if I have remorse on my side, simply because i'm unsure if I am actually here and whether she was just a figment in an alternative world.

She eventually went out and I continued to do the gardening. Any thoughts were minimal as I was concentrated on that, but I don't feel like that is a solution to my problems. I eventually ordered a pizza for dinner. Whilst I was waiting I seemed to be especially twitchy for no apparent reason. I wasn't feeling anxious, but that certainly made me feel it afterwards. I continued to twitch while I ate the pizza, especially in my throat which is a new one I've been having this week. Somehow even when something physical like that hits me, it still doesn't feel like it is actually happening. When I was eating I started to notice how automatic the process was. How my lips were pursing together when I took a bite, how my arm without any thought seemed to travel to and from my mouth. And when I drank from a water bottle, how my lips would automatically move in to a certain position.

After this I started to have feelings that I haven't had in a while. I didn't have any enthusiasm for going outside or anything else and was feeling generally quite strange. I started reflecting on how unusual and almost fictional I felt now and how things had felt in the last few months. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't be sure. On one hand it does feel good that I can recognise how odd it feels, on the other it feels completely hopeless, and I still don't know what is going on and who the person before all of this happened is.

So I sit here now thinking; do I know this is just an illness? Do I believe this is the real world? Do I think I can eventually make sense of all of this? Will life and the people around me begin to feel real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will I make sense of body movements, things I (or the person who I remember as apparently being me) did take for granted before? It feels so strange that you can think so differently from one phase to the next. Is this just an amazing thing about the world? Or is this just not a world at all?

*04/06/2017*

I guess you could say that today has been better. I seemed to make sense of things a bit more earlier. For once it did seem a little like Ma was real when I saw her this morning. Earlier I did seem to believe a bit that this was actually an illness and not something else.
Thinking back on the day now, there were things going on in my head, but it's a little foggy now what they actually were. Whatever it is I know it was confusing. I'll try and go through my day and see if I remember.

We went to the garden centre to get some plants. I do remember having a bit more clarity before we went and possibly on the way there. I even made a bit more sense of my talking. Whilst sitting in the cafe I remember feeling slightly on edge probably thinking the same thoughts from yesterday.

When we got home, we planted the herbs we had bought. I decided to get the strimmer out and cut a lot of a bush down. Sitting down after this I had some things going through my head. I thought how I just seemed to automatically do the strimming. Thinking now I find it amazing how people would just let me do that. I feel so much like I'm not actually here and out of control, yet I must appear absolutely normal to them despite the fact I think I may suddenly wake up from a dream at any moment. This is also when I started thinking about how I feel so odd and not with it, yet I'm not in a psychiatric ward. I actually believe that I am not here, yet nobody seems to notice and seems that worried.

This evening I have felt as if I am weirdly talking about normal things. It is however like it is someone else doing it. Does this mean I have multiple personalities? Does it mean I'm not actually here and watching someone else? Maybe I am not as bad as I think I am, or maybe I'm not actually here so that is why people aren't bothered, because those people don't exist. I keep thinking maybe I need to talk more to those close to me and it will help me make sense of everything. But I find it so hard to do, I don't know if it is because of my fucked up belief system or because I can't be bothered.

I was going to write more, but I've completely forgotten what I was going to write. There was another feeling I was going to add, but I can't actually remember what that was...With that I've just remembered. It was about how I still struggle with relating to the idea that I am just ill, like I've mentioned before. However my thoughts today seemed to have switched between that feeling and occasionally understanding that I am just unwell. Is this a sign of recovery? Or is it another sign of multiple personalities, or of me not actually being here. The fact that I genuinely feel unsure of what is going on and who I am is troubling, which adds to the point I made about not understanding why someone hasn't put me in a psych ward. Am I actually feeling deep down that I am ok? I know psychology is a complicated thing, but at times like this it feels like it shouldn't be. Also feeling as if I don't exist, makes it feel like all these things also don't exist and so don't have meaning. I don't know what's going on. Confused.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*05/06/2017*

I haven't thought about how I feel much at all today. I don't know if that's a good thing. I got up late as usual and seemed to just concentrate on what I was going to do during the day.

I had a sandwich, a banana and a peach for lunch. Eating seems to be something that is really perplexing me at the moment. I mentioned it briefly before, but much like talking the combination of things I'm doing when eating seem very automatic and it doesn't seem like it's me doing those things at all. I find it amazing how my arm just move to the correct destination, my lips seem to push away as I take a bite, and my arm pulls away once I have taken it. It feels like it isn't a process I remember learning to do and of course doesn't feel like I'm doing it.

I removed alot of the stones from the garden today ready to put turf down. The only feelings I really thought about whilst I was doing this was how my arms seemed to automatically hold the shovel in the right way. I don't really have that much more to say on that.

I've still had a really twitchy throat today, and of all the tics I have this one seems to be the least under my control. Sometimes it happens, and then I'll just notice it mid-way through it happening. This is the kinda thing that makes me feel like I'm not really here and not in control at all.

I haven't given as much time to the feelings of not being actually here and the ones that people in my life aren't here today. This isn't by choice, it's just for some reason they haven't been in my mind. I still feel like deep down, I don't believe I actually exist but for some reason it hasn't worried me as much today. Maybe one day I will just forget about this, but then I worry that I shouldn't because this is the way things should be or the way things just are.

If I have any more thoughts today, I will mention them tomorrow. Yet again, I hope tomorrow makes more sense.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*06/06/2017*

I woke up very late today after quite an unsettling dream. That is of course if waking up actually happened, because I'm still struggling with the idea that things are actually happening.

I've done very little in the day. I made lunch exactly the same as yesterday. During this and much of the rest of the day I've been very concentrated on body movements again. It was very much that feeling of just pressing a button in your brain and then your arms, legs and whatever perform a function on their own. I don't seem to be in control of the way they move, such at the direction or the shape they take. It feels like my brain is not controlling those things.

I eventually went out for a stroll locally where similar thoughts continued. Ma eventually rang and while on the phone I was aware of how uncomfortable talking was still. We met in the coffee shop in the supermarket. As I was sat there I began to think of how I'm communicating with someone I'm not sure is actually there. Then thought of how I genuinely seem to not believe I'm in the real world again. It feels like everything is wrong with how I feel towards it. It's like I'm not connected to this world at all. It's like I'm on an alien planet, yet somehow I am communicating with this world. I feel like I don't want to because theres no connection with it, but some part within me is still keeping in touch with it. Except it doesn't feel like it's a part of me, it feel like someone else.

In the car back home I found it amazing how I am able to function in this world. I literally don't believe I'm here. Then I wonder, why is nobody picking up on this? I don't feel normal at all, yet nobody in this world is doing anything about it. Is it because I'm not actually here and this isn't really real? Or is it because I do actually believe I am here in some deep deep subconscious that I'm not actually aware of? I wish I could just be sure and have a definitive answer, and therefore a sure path to follow.

I can't even begin to think about my relationship towards money, and work and other stuff that I used to associate with in my previous life. I feel like I'm not real, so they are not real. I just need convincing of what the real reality is. Am I in it and just need to be convinced? I need to know either way. Maybe I will just wake up from this nightmare and then reality will be there. Who knows.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*07/06/2017*

Today has been manageable. I woke up late as usual, though not quite as bad as yesterday. I seemed to be able to make more sense of the world. Thats seems to have been a theme today, though I'm afraid to say much too positive because I obviously am still not the same person.

After lunch I went and did some normal things. I went to the bank for Ma then proceeded to travel to Uxbridge to get to my own bank. I was going to take the bus, but then discovered I had no money on my Oyster card. Therefore I had no choice but to walk there along the Canal. I really didn't want to at first, but actually found the spontaneity of it quite helpful. I mostly didn't have any thoughts on my way there though the general feeling is of course still with me. I was able to convince myself slightly that I was real whenever the question arose, though I still feel like deep down I am not real.

Ma picked me up after a brief spell in Uxbridge. Much like the feelings of whether I am real, I again was able to convince myself at least momentarily that she was. It still feels odd that I can interact with people normally despite the fact I evidently am not normal and don't believe I'm there or that they are.

I felt very twitchy inexplicably when we got home again. I don't know why, and it always seems to me as evidence that I am not real as its not possible for that to just happen with no reason behind it. I did after this start to think about there is so much in my body that I can not control. Like breathing, my heart beating, blood flowing around my body etc. It seemed impossible to me that these things can just happen without me consciously making myself do things. Then I thought the fact that I can't control these things, mean I'm not actually in control when surely I should be fully in control. Otherwise surely I don't have free will, and I am just a robot or something being controlled. My brain is perfoming these functions, and surely my brain is me, but I'm not making myself breath or my heart beat so how can I be a conscious human being in control? I just can't make sense of any of this and it's really bothering me.

We went out to dinner and that is still a surreal experience. I'm still not sure that I am actually there in situations like this, but I was able to suppress my thoughts and got through it ok. When I was out, an old school friend, got in contact with me talking about her own mental health issues. Wierdly chatting to her briefly made me feel alot more real, and it was nice to hear her experience though obviously she was going through a hard time. Maybe I should start to communicate more with people, though it's still difficult cos my talking is a complete anomaly to me and I just can't make any sense of it.

In conclusion I'm still not convinced of my own existence, but at least it hasn't been so bad. I'm still not confident things will start to make sense, but at least I can take some positive things out of today.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*08/06/2017*

So I'm very nervous to say so, but there have been times today where I have seen a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Minuscule though.

Got up late again, as I was preparing lunch the usual movement thoughts happened and I'm still not sure I actually exist. Much like yesterday though, I have somehow seemed able to deal with it better. I still get the feeling though, if I thought about things more deeply, I still wouldn't be able to make sense of things.

When I got out of the shower earlier, I did start to think about the existence of objects. I thought about when my birthday comes along. How it would be pointless getting presents because I wouldn't believe they were actually there, and that I would be interacting with them.

After lunch I went out to vote. This is the kind of thing that I'm still unsure is worth it, because I don't know if things exist. Somehow the issue did bring out some emotion in me, so if I am real then I guess that's a positive to take.

For the rest of the day I've just gone for walk after walk. I had much the same thoughts as I have previously, but they have been fleeting. When I saw my mum earlier, I was kind of able to make sense of her being there.

To conclude todays entry, I'd say things haven't bothered me as much, but they still really bother me. Talking is still a real issue. Believing I'm real is still a real issue. Let's see how tomorrow goes.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*09/06/2017*

I really am not in the mood to write a detailed post today. I feel a bit frazzled so will catch up tomorrow. I had a therapy session today and a curry. That will do.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*10/06/2017*

Again I have come to it late, so I will just summarise today. 
I spent the day with my brother. I do seem to act a bit more normal around him. I was speaking alot more, though it still felt very strange. All the same feelings were also there, but again today they were more in the background. We went cycling and I know I couldn't quite think right about it, but again it was at the back of my mind.


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## ThatGuyCj (Jun 11, 2017)

Does your symptoms consist of a constant fatigue? Man it seems like the fatigue messes with me more then anything bro, I don't wonna do anything so I just sit and think until the thinking gets out of hand. It's a devastating cycle from the time i wake up till the time i


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## esroh (Jan 4, 2017)

The the not feeling like you exist is common in dp and my worst symptome.You are not alone in his shit.

We are just in a messed up self state, once we get out of it this whole thing will seem retarded but ntil then...its frightening as hell.

Keep it up !


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

ThatGuyCj said:


> Does your symptoms consist of a constant fatigue? Man it seems like the fatigue messes with me more then anything bro, I don't wonna do anything so I just sit and think until the thinking gets out of hand. It's a devastating cycle from the time i wake up till the time i


Years ago it used to. Right now I only get really tired when I do more than I usually do (which is about the amount a normal person would do without getting fatigued). Thinking so much does make you really tired though. If anything this is a relief to me, as being tired is a sign that I am human. It also means I find it easier to sleep which is welcome relief when you feel so crap.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

esroh said:


> The the not feeling like you exist is common in dp and my worst symptome.You are not alone in his shit.
> 
> We are just in a messed up self state, once we get out of it this whole thing will seem retarded but ntil then...its frightening as hell.
> 
> Keep it up !


Yeah, I don't know how closely you've been following, but is it common that you actually believe it? I honestly can't tell myself that the world is real at times. When I had DP years ago, I always had the reassurance in my head that all the evidence around me proved that thought wrong. However now, I just don't believe that evidence, I honestly believe that this is an alternative world that I've stepped in to.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*11/06/2017 and 12/06/2017*

A double entry today. I haven't been as inclined to write my diary for a few days. I don't know if this is a good sign or not. I've certainly been thinking a lot less about my symptoms, but they are still there.

On Sunday I went to London to see Issi. I travelled up with my brother. I have to say out of everyone, I do seem to be more comfortable talking and being the person I supposedly used to be around him. This is of course despite the fact that I'm still not sure he or I actually exist.

We went our separate ways when we got to Paddington. I went to catch the bus to Issi's. About half way through the trip I realised something, I hadn't remembered to put my headphones on to drown out negative thoughts. This was mainly because I didn't fear having those thoughts. This did seem like a result to me. I still put a podcast on as soon as I realised, just in case.

I went around Hampstead Heath with Issi, and was still having feelings that I couldn't work out. When I was looking at my surroundings, I couldn't help but think I wasn't actually there. When I really think about it, I still can't convince myself tat this is the same world. I'm still half sure that this is a different world and I am a different person to the one I remember.

Before bed I was feeling quite bad about my body movements. It didn't make sense how certain parts of my body were moving, and I was baffled at things like when I was moving one part of my arm, another part would move with it etc. I just went to sleep and tried to suppress these ideas as much as possible.

Today I have done very little. The thoughts about movement have still been in the background along with the usual stuff about me not being here, other people not being here, not feeling connected to what I was saying, communicating seemingly automatically to people when I'm not really thinking about talking to them. Same old.

Again though, I have managed to keep things somewhat repressed. I have felt myself getting annoyed with people turning up and going on and on when I just wanted some peace. So I guess those emotions are a good thing.

In summary, I still don't think I'm real, I still think this is a different world and I still can't make sense of a lot of things. But maybe, just maybe the jigsaw will piece together soon. I hope so.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*13/06/2017*

I don't really have much to add today so I will make this short. I feel much the same as yesterday. Talking is a real issue still and if anything has seemed worse today, that is the one. Apart from that nothing has changed. I just want to be normal now.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*I'm going to preface today's entry by asking if anyone does have any thoughts, to please share with me. It's been a harrowing day to say the least and I'm fed up and confused...*

*14/06/2017*

And we come crashing down. Terrible day, terrible life, seriously just fuck this.

Today I felt like I was back to square one. Felt like I was gonna have another crisis. Felt like nobody would listen. Felt that nobody would help me. This has all but convinced me that I was right, I am not living in the real world. I'm not ill, I'm just in an alternative reality.

Day started off meh. I woke up at half 7 and decided not to go back to sleep, which I don't normally do. All morning I was very pre-occupied with my body movements. The way moving my foot somehow moved my entire leg etc.

It was forecast to be very hot, so I had planned to go on a picnic this evening with Issi (if she is real). I walked myself to the shops feeling a little bit odder than I had been, but managing to just about get along. I decided not to go straight to London after I had done this as I was a little early and had fridge food. I had been thinking how odd my walking had felt while I was out, but seemed to subdue those thoughts somewhat.

When I got in, things came to a head. Any beliefs that anything was real have now pretty much gone out the window. I've been convinced that though I'm touching things, seeing things, using all of my senses; that they are not here. That I am not here. It got really extreme just as I was about to go out to meet Issi, and it felt like I had lost all control, all sense of anything. Nothing made sense to me. It felt almost like when I did when I had my 'crisis', but that is now a distant memory. If anything, that was the last ounce of the old me left; that believed I was actually just ill, that believed the world around me was a safety net. I believed at that point that no matter how bad I got, the things I sensed were proof I was still in existence, that I was still a sick person just going through a troubled time.

Not anymore. Now I am just an observer watching this world go by, and to me the proof seems to be building up. I tried talking to my mum (if she exists), to explain that I can't seem to fathom anything. To explain how I'm not even sure of her existence or anyone around me. I told her how it seemed odd to me that I felt so abnormal inside, yet other people just carried on as normal. They go about their normal lives; even talking to me about normal things while I stand there thinking about how I either don't exist, or that I am so delusional that I don't think I exist and am seriously mentally ill and should be in hospital having my every movement watched. Yet when my Mum responded she seemed to not think anything of this. I was spouting a whole load of crazy at her and she somehow found it normal, she somehow didn't call the men in white coats straight away. This wouldn't be normal in the world I knew, so therefore it must not actually be happening. If someone said these things to me, I think that I would call the hospital straight away.

At points when I've been alone, I've weeped. I thought about how if Issi is an actual existing person, I've let her down by not keeping our arrangement. I really wanted to see her, and my heart ached that I didn't. This is of course if all this is actually happening. I just can't get my head around anything. As I write, I hesitate to say anything as a certainty, because I don't know if it is actually happening.

If I post this to forums, I wonder if people will react in much the same way as my mum? Will they say part of this illness is not actually feeling that you're ill? If they do react like my Mum did; will it be further proof that I'm not real? Or will it be reassuring? Or maybe they will alert someone and I will be taken away somewhere? Will I actually want that to happen? I just don't know.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how a normal human is meant to react to these things. I don't remember what it's like to be normal or if I ever was. Why can't anybody help me? Why can't I help myself?


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*15/06/2017*

I certainly still feel lousy. I'm trying to put up with things, but I still don't know the answers.

I was back to waking up very late today. I laid there for hours, thinking and thinking and thinking. Telling myself one thing, then another, hoping that I could make sense of things. Every ounce of me just wanted to stay in bed forever. I eventually got up at about half 1 and went to get lunch.

Much of the day has been spent debating with myself in my head. Do i think I don't exist or not? Am I an ill person, or am I not? I spent the afternoon in the garden, just chopping plants here and there. I was disappointed that I wasn't going out and enjoying the sun more, but of course I only go and think that the sun isn't actually there like me.

I really don't have much more to add. As everything is still the same as yesterday, just scaled down a bit. I do miss the real world, the real me; whatever that is. I long for feeling normal, for having an answer for everything I see. I just want my brain to either react the way it is meant to be, or for the world to return to normal. Therapist tomorrow, maybe she will have answers for me (if she exists).


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*16/06/2016*

Confusion still rules. Not feeling great, but I guess feeling a bit re-assured for now.

I woke up at my standard time. Didn't think too much about body movements, more the existential stuff. Had my sandwich and watched youtube videos for a while. Spoke to Ma on the phone, though still not talking much because it doesn't feel right. I've been saying as little as possible recently. I can't deal with the stress of doing it, then thinking about it, then noting how I don't feel in control of it. I genuinely considered whether I should just go mute. Maybe then someone will either take notice about how difficult I'm finding things, or I will make sense of other things by not having to concentrate on it.

I leisurely washed and got dressed. By the time I had done all this, I realised it was already 3 o' clock. Ma called again to say she was ready to meet me in Yiewsley, so I walked that way just trying to suppress any thoughts. Not much to add here. Issi called while I was walking so I chatted to her as best I could.

Went to the therapist at 5, still wondering if I was actually ill or if this is even real. Told her all of the crazy stuff, and she told me she didn't think I was delusional. It's almost like I am a different person when I have these sessions. I think it's the act of doing something. Still cant be sure I'm real though. She said she thinks I might be obsessive compulsive. At least that could be a label to this feeling.

I'm gonna see how the week goes, maybe I will finally see the light and have some certainty. Not gonna right anything more for now, as it will just be a broken record. Come on life, give me some hope.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

> It's almost like I am a different person when I have these sessions


I went to one anxiety therapist session, was a waste of my time. But yeah i remember going there and feeling completely different than how I was when I was alone or not in a setting like that. It was so weird.



> She said she thinks I might be obsessive compulsive


I think most of us DP-ers are pure-O or OCD because of the nature of this disorder.

Cheers man, take care


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*17/06/2017*

Today as always was a day where things just don't seem quite right.

I got up a bit earlier because my mum was in and said we were going to meet Ian for 11. I just went with it as usual, despite feeling profoundly odd. I tried to go out with an open mind. When I began to think about how the world isn't real, I would just tell myself that the observation in itself was proof that it was. While we were with my brother, that was generally the outlook I was taking. Things didn't seem right at all, but I got on with it. Then when he left and I was alone with Ma, things got worse. I couldn't shake it. All the evidence seemed to stack up that I wasn't real. I didn't feel real, though I recognised the place I was in, it definitely wasn't reality. I couldn't tell myself that it was just a feeling. I actually believed it wasn't real. I can't shake the feeling that I actually believe it. It feels like a definite to me, the same way 2 plus 2 always equals 4. The world wasn't real and no amount of evidence or information was going to change that. Yet I am worried about it, what the hell? Seriously at this time and place I seriously was not functioning with the world. It and I were entirely separate, not in tune with one another.

And yet everyone else just carried on, I watched the world go by and nobody took notice of me. It's like I was invisible. If I was ill, surely people would take notice and help me? I still carried on in this fake world regardless for the rest of the day.

I now sit here at home thinking that maybe this was just all a weird anxiety attack and I just feel it at different levels? It's weird to me because I feel I honestly can't say that I'm in the real world, yet it seems I'm more calm about it when I'm at 'home'. If any part of me thinks this is real, then it must be deep deep down inside me because I honestly don't feel it at all. People can tell you all you want to not analyse it and what have you, but if they are not real to me, why shouldn't I?

It is almost like there are two of me. There's this thinking mechanism inside of me, and this person I'm just watching. The person I watch seems to definitely be a fiction to me, there's no connection. I feel like I'm not controlling it because the thinking mechanism doesn't believe it's real, yet the person I'm watching is communicating with an outside world I don't believe is there.

Is this all an illness? Will I wake up from a coma? Have I reached another level of being altogether? This is like a big hallucination to me. How can things be this complicated? Why can't everything make sense and just join up together perfectly like it supposedly used to? If I am real and am just ill, how am I not in hospital? What the hell is going on?


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*18/06/2017*

I feel like things are definitely getting worse. Each and every day now I am at conflict with myself. I can't work out if I'm here or not. I can't work out whether I actually believe I'm not real.

I forced myself through the day. Believing that I was just watching the whole thing. Believing that this was a movie playing out in front of me. At least that's what I think I believe.

I was meant to go out to Issi's (if she's real). I had to re-arrange to make it so that she came my way. I couldn't face another long journey being stuck in this fake world. I woke up with the conflicting thoughts going round in my head: 'do I believe this is real', 'do I think this is an illness', 'if i'm ill how come the world is going on as normal', 'how come people are acting normal towards me when I'm not normal and don't believe I'm here', 'if i'm not real how am I doing normal things', I could go on.

I got to Uxbridge and bumped in to my friend Barry (if he exists). I found myself talking normally to him. At this point I managed to keep myself into an uncomfortable acceptance. That being it didn't feel real, but there may be a reasonable explanation for it. This went back and forth all day.
Issi and I got all the way to Uxbridge Lido and I remained in this state for a time. We couldn't get in the lido (if it exists), because it was full. We went to a patch of green and ate some food there. This is when the conflict in my head started to come to the surface again, 'do I believe I'm real', 'how come I am watching myself act normally when I don't believe I'm real'. The latter thought was something that has really clung to me today. I'm not real, yet somehow I am functioning in this world that I don't feel is real. What the hell. I honestly don't know what I believe. The thing that has also stuck with me is the fact that I am talking and responding to people despite a number of things; I don't believe I'm real, I don't know how the hell my mouth is shaping words, I honestly feel like I'm watching something fake. That's the thing I've noticed with my talking today. It's like I'm watching somebody else do things, but they are attached to me. This is seriously fucked up! Or is it because I don't know who or what I am anymore.

I departed Issi and got on the bus. Travelling home I was thinking how it didn't matter where I got off or what I did, because this was all fiction anyway so it would have no affect on anything. Yet I still watch myself travel, get off at the stop that I recognise and go home.

So right now I sit here thinking I'm either crazy or not real. But if I were crazy, why isn't anybody noticing or doing anything? So I always reach the conclusion that I'm not real, because in reality someone would intervene. Yet I still find myself trying to convince myself that it will all make sense, though nothing does. I don't look at things like I'm real, I don't feel anything towards the world that would make it real. I don't know what I believe, but I'm watching stuff happen as supposedly normal. I don't know what to do.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*Once again I'm going to preface by asking if anyone has any thoughts and feeling at all on what I'm writing, please post. The things I'm writing are more than just a struggle, they seem to be my reality. Thanks.*

*19/06/2017*

I went to bed last night in a more straightened out frame of mind. Just doing anything to make some sort of sense of what is happening right now. Recently I seem to be more in control in the late evening.

Today I woke up early in the heat, spent ages on my phone (if it's real), and then eventually went back to sleep until lunchtime. Still very confused as to whether the world is real or not, I got up, spoke to people on the phone, went to the local shop, and ate lunch.

I sat in the garden once again all afternoon. The rest of the day has pretty much been back and forth thoughts much like the ones yesterday. I'm still ultimately confused as to whether this is the real world or whether I'm ill and how things are continuing on as normal.

I haven't been much further than the near vicinity to my house all day (if it's real). I feel like if I got to any other places (if they're real) at the moment will bring back crisis' much like yesterdays. These are the moment where I feel the least accepting of the fact that I may not be in the real world or that I may be seriously ill, and it's when I'm so confused as to why nobody (including myself) is doing much about it.

That's the thing I've been contemplating today. I keep on about how nobody who is supposedly around me in this world seems to do anything about this, yet I feel it, and I don't do anything about it. Is it because I really really deep down think I'm real, because I really feel like I don't? Or is it because I can't do anything? I'm stuck in this fake world and there's nothing I can do about it. If this isn't a fake world, then surely I am delusional and people would notice and be doing something about it.

Looking at what I've just written above gave me a horrible sinking feeling. It even worries me that I wrote so convinced that I am in a fake world. I don't know. Either way, this isn't right. All I can do is keeping moving on I guess until someone does something about it.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*20/06/2017*

Look at that date. It's been almost four months since the person I supposedly was existed (that is of course if I am still in that same world and timeline). So today, there's not huge amounts to add so this may be a short one.

Woke up a bit earlier again, but stayed in bed looking at my phone till about midday. Showered Immediately in cold water; partly because it was warm, partly to convince myself there's a chance I might be real. Bought lunch over the road and ate in the garden. During this time the same old thoughts were going around. I occasionally put words in my head to make sense to things though they had little meaning. I have been putting layer upon layer of logical thought on top of the fact that I don't believe I'm real today, and that seems to have somewhat suppressed the idea.

I went for a walk in to Yiewsley. I'm still scared to go much further because it seems to confirm all of my negative thinking to be true. I was a bit pre-occupied with my walking as I was on my way, but I'd much rather have just that basic thought than the idea that I really am not in the real world.

I came back, did a little gardening. Had much the same feelings I did earlier in the day so I don't think there's anything to add there. I found myself talking a bit more to the person who is supposedly my mother in this world. It felt like it made a bit more sense, but only about 20 percent.

In conclusion, still have no feeling towards the idea that this is an illness I have. Still heavily lean to the idea that I'm not in the real world and that is the hurdle I want to overcome. Life goes on, or maybe it doesn't. Who knows?


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

btw, i don't think its such a great idea to put all the names, locations and fine details of your personal life on here....just my thoughts only x


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*21/06/2017*

Today has been one of those days where I've mostly remained positive. Tried to keep away from the negative. Tried to convince myself I'm in the real world. Not entirely sure, but the anxiety levels about it haven't been too bad.

The way I got up mirrored yesterday. I went straight to have a cold shower. Weirdly I had to psych myself up to do this. It was almost a feeling of really not wanting to do it or not feeling motivated. None the less I did as I did yesterday, did this quickly and bought lunch from the corner shop.

I've spent the day pretty much convincing myself enough so that I could get on with things with little thought. I'm not even gonna try and think about how 
I feel deep down, because it wont be helpful.

So pretty much having done the exact same routine as yesterday, I even at times managed to convince myself that talking made a little bit of sense. Though at other times it didn't make any sense. Even some body movements have made sense today. I wonder if it is because I've been so pre-occupied with other much for horrible stuff. Though the routine I have done today much involved doing pretty much nothing productive, it seemed to keep my mind concentrated on other things.

I'm still petrified of doing anything outside of my local vicinity, so I may try and keep up this same routine tomorrow however boring it seems. Hopefully I can start to make lots of sense of lots of things by the end of the week. I just want to go home now, to a world I know, to a world I'm comfortable, to a world that makes sense. Please.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*22/06/2017*

Much like yesterday, I've tried to remain positive. Hopefully this is a step in a good direction and things will finally start to make sense. As always though I am not going to speak too soon.

I woke up at lunch. Decided to make that first, then have a shower as the heat wasn't as bad today. I went about this slowly, watered the garden and the went for a walk in the afternoon. On my walk I was still quite concentrated on how I was moving my legs, but I couldn't be bothered to dwell heavily on it so just kept going.

I met Ma for a coffee, and just sat there quietly as I usually do. While I was sitting I was a bit concentrated on how parts of my hand seemed to move quite automatically when I was twirling my headphone cable, but again I just couldn't be bothered with it. Also talking to people is still odd and if I think deep down I still don't think it's me, but I'm getting on with it for whatever reason.

This evening I went for a walk and here I am sitting now typing this. It's been a nothing day again, but I'm happy with that for now as it makes me feel a little more comfortable. I am dreading the weekend when I may have to do more.

Therapy again tomorrow, if of course this is the real world. I will relay all of this information to the therapist, one of the people like everything else that I am yet to convince myself is real. Will see how it goes.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*23/06/2017*

I write this at the end of the day as the idea of not being real is slipping back in to my mind. Hopefully I don't believe it, but I honestly don't know. Hopefully going over the day will prove me wrong.

I got up at the usual time, all the usual thoughts were a bit more prominent than the last couple of days, but I soldiered on. Made my lunch, then much like yesterday slowly showered etc. I went out for a walk and met Ma late on for a coffee. All of the aforementioned issues were there, but I was seeing the therapist in an hour so hopefully that would help.

Got to the therapist and I went over the fact again that I didn't believe I was real. She seemed less concerned than me. It did seem like she was more real when I was talking to her which is something. She taught me a meditation technique, which I was nervous about doing as the person who I was before once did some meditation and it freaked me the hell out. As we were meditating I went through stages. At points it felt like I was struggling to breath properly, then I was worried I was going to see some freaky imagery, then my head felt rather heavy. I felt eventually that I reached a point where I was eventually able to relax a bit. When I opened my eyes the room seemed smaller, my arms looked thin and unreal, my vision felt odd, and I felt a bit like I was floating. I don't know if it helped or not.

I left still feeling like everything was a bit narrow, but at least that took my mind of the fact that I may not be real. I picked up dinner and went home trying to convince myself I was real though I don't believe it. I have had fleeting thoughts that maybe I could return to normal this evening, and this will all eventually make sense; but I'm never sure if I'm just kidding myself.

I watered my plants about half an hour ago and didn't think too much about anything until I'd finished. Then I did start to really believe that this couldn't all be real again. It's weird because when I think it, it really scares me, and then moments later the immediate threat of it goes and I desperately try to explore what that feeling was, but can't quite find it. The only thing that remains is the idea that this isn't the real world.

So I honestly don't know what the next few days has in store. You get to a point where you honestly feel like you can suddenly make sense of things, and you don't know how you could get back to those bad feelings. Then they just hit you, you have no control over when or how it's going to happen. It seems I can never get too positive, because deep down I know this can't be real; a real person wouldn't feel so numb and distant, I don't feel human at all.

Please, please, please. I just want answers.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

:sad:


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*24/06/2017*

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe. I am trapped. Trapped in a world that no matter how many times I try to convince myself it's real, something just doesn't add up. One or two things I can sometimes optimistically piece together, but then a third comes in that doesn't fit in the same jigsaw. Will I wake up from this? Will I come to my senses?

I went to bed last night with a cloud creeping over me. This just couldn't be the real world. I am not acting right, other people aren't acting right. I tried out some meditation, but was interrupted by Ma asking questions. I snapped at her, I honestly didn't care about her feelings. I could not see how she can not see that I feel like I am in real trouble. I'm either actually not here, or this is a psychosis. If I were here then this wouldn't be a normal thing to happen. If I'm not here, then I just want to escape back to the world I know and all it's comforts. I went to sleep last night after doing some googling, and semi convinced myself that I had bi-polar. This was a relief in some ways because I had a name for what I was feeling. In other ways it scared me, because I have to wait two weeks to see an actual doctor (if at course he is real) and anything could happen in that time. If one day this all makes sense, I have alot of apologies to make.

I woke up this morning still feeling dreadful. I stayed in bed until lunchtime. My mind all day pretty much from this moment has been as follows; 'I'm not real, but you are because of this, but you're not because of this, but you wouldn't be able to do this, but this doesn't make sense, but this does, but this wouldn't be like this, but this has an explanation, but it doesn't, and so on. I watched myself go through the motions of getting up, eating, getting dressed, and then travelling to windsor with the person in this world who is supposedly my mother, but I can't be sure if this is all a projection.

While in Windsor, I saw people walking by going about their lives. They surely couldn't be an invention of my own mind? They couldn't be a fiction playing out before me? But still I think they were. No evidence pointed in that direction, but I couldn't get the idea that this is not reality out of my head. I was pretty sure it wasn't.

I say it over and over again. If this is reality and just the experiences of someone who is unwell, then I am very unwell. But nobody seems to notice. They think I am normal, because I answer them occasionally how the person they think I am would. But still surely if this were real, they would see and take action!

This evening before dinner, Ma went out for a drink. When I am alone and not having to go anywhere is when I am at my most serene. I can almost talk myself in to an acceptance of what is happening, and that the jigsaw will piece together soon. These moments are fleeting though.

So the confusion still goes on. I sit here in my sanctuary; the garden, as I have done every evening this week. Looking back at what I have just written, it reads almost poetically. Maybe it is a cry for attention, I don't think it is. This is just how I feel. I'm not trying to be melodramatic as it IS a melodrama, so therefore can not read any other way. I guess this is a cry for help, just for someone to take notice, for someone to understand, for someone to help it all make sense. But that may never happen. Because this may not be real.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*25/06/2017*

I woke up this morning feeling very depressed. Before I went to bed last night, I felt dreadful. As I closed up my window to go to bed I looked out at the ground below, and had a thought I haven't had in a while. A suicidal thought. I thought how I could just jump out the window, how it would have no consequence. I got away as fast as possible, as I thought my body would do it without me being able to control it. I so believed I wasn't real, that nothing mattered. I thought about how little control I had over myself. How the person I remember as being me is long gone.

I didn't get to sleep till very late last night, so woke up late. I thought about how I've had all this therapy, but somehow am worse. That is probably because I don't think I'm real; so can't be helped. I text Issi to say I couldn't meet up with her. I didn't want to get out of bed. My heart ached, I miss her so much though I think she is a projection like everything else in this world.

I didn't want to go anywhere, or see anyone. Ma was talking about doing something, I said no. I didn't want to speak to anyone all day, not even her, because I don't think she's real. She went out with Phil for a walk and said they were coming back together later to eat. Great, I have to sit there and pretend to be normal with another person who I don't think actually exists. I have to answer questions and talk to people who it seems pointless talking to.

Once Ma had gone out, I went in to the garden. I watered my plants and then decided to go for a walk on my own. I put my headphones on and just walked. I wanted to stay out forever on my own, but knew I had to go back home eventually. Maybe that's a good thing? Because I knew staying out might have consequences.

So when I got home was when the talking had to happen. Talking with people who are in a different world to me. I did it, well somebody did. I watched this person say stuff like things were much more normal than I felt they were. In their world I am someone who is just very depressed. In mine I am an alien watching a movie play out. I am still baffled how nobody seems to know about what is happening in my head, how I don't believe they are there. They continue on as if things are normal, when know they are not. I felt myself almost having a physical panic attack after these thoughts. I exited briefly not letting anybody know, because there's no point. These people are fiction.

I got through dinner and now am sat here watching myself type. Why am I not doing anything? Why am I sitting in the living room on the computer like there's nothing wrong? I don't think I'm real yet I am watching myself continue as normal. Is it because I am actually just watching someone else?

I do have fleeting moments of thinking, 'just get on with it'. It's not right , but you can power through this. However I am so out of control that these feelings are exactly that, fleeting. If I ever have a good feeling, I can't hold on to it for more than a short moment. Even if I feel like it would be an impossibility for bad feelings to return, they always do. I will just live in hope that even if the world isn't real; at least I will be able to accept that and somehow live in this fake world. Should have plenty of time alone tomorrow, so maybe the cycle will begin again and I will get some false hope. At the moment though, I only see it as false hope.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*26/06/2017*

I'm still fighting, what I'm fighting I'm not sure. Today has however been about that. Either fighting an illness or fighting against being in a fake world. Ultimately I'm just fighting confusion.

I woke up in a more determined state today. I felt peculiar, but I was determined to fix what was going on. I could accept it in that moment, so was going to do things to make that acceptance more apparent. I arranged early on that I was going to meet Issi and decided that I would travel up to hers in London. I was going to do it no matter what, and so I did.

I managed to keep this frame of mind from lunch, through the afternoon and before I knew it, I was on a train up to town. I was having strange thoughts all the way, but was largely able to counter think them with an explanation. One thing that was noticeably weird was how automatic changing direction when walking was. It was as if I had put the coordinates in the satnav and my body just took me there. I paid close attention to the muscles and parts of my body I thought I had to move in order to change direction and tried to explain it in that way.

When with Issi, I actually found myself having a good time. I tried to forget the fact that I believe I'm in a different world, or the idea that I am really unwell; yet nobody is doing anything about it so I must be unreal. I just got on with it, and for a time things did make a bit of sense.

I left Issi quite late and travelled home alone. Looking back at my journey now, it is still amazing to me how I am allowed to do this on my own, and can do this on my own despite the fact that I am either, a)in a complete fantasy universe or b)so unwell that I don't think I'm real.

Since I've been home, it's actually the worst I've felt all day. Things that I was able to put a positive spin on earlier, I am now unabe to do. I feel as if I have been living a lie once again. I feel the exact things I've mentioned above very intensely. Thinking about it now, I'm just seriously confused. Yet the pieces still aren't fitting together. I still don't understand how people are going about their business normally and not reacting differently to me. The fact that I don't know who I am or what I'm doing doesn't seem to affect this world at all. And so I reach the conclusion I always reach: This is not real. If it were real people would act differently, including me.

I'll try to bring that determination back, but I think it's going to be a struggle. It's always a struggle.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*27/06/2017*

I don't know what to think about today really. As I sit here now, I think about how scary it is knowing what a different person I've become. The person I was supposedly before wouldn't think twice about anything. The person I am now thinks about everything. Saying that today I've been thinking less, but not in what I would necessarily call a good way.

I've gone through the day like a ghost. Just moving from thing to thing. None of it seeming quite right, but getting on with it. I woke up extremely late, and had that usual feeling of not really wanting to get up. I realised there was nothing to eat for lunch, so went to the cornershop to get some. I then washed and went out to the bank in this world for my mother in this world. I walked for a bit and have pretty much lazed around the house since then.

The overriding feeling I get from today is how abnormal things seem. I feel like such a different person, so seeing myself do stuff that the old me would do scares me in itself. It is still like watching somebody else do things. Then when I speak to people, it doesn't feel right at all. Why am I speaking to someone who I don't believe is there? Why am I just putting up with being in a world that I don't think is real. Is it because I actually believe this world to be real? Or is it because I am just very very sick? But if I am that sick, why is nobody doing anything about it!

I had a weird feeling just a few minutes ago. It was a feeling I recognised as one that this old me would have. It scared me. The idea that I could have this feeling so all of a sudden. Like I could all of a sudden wake up from this nightmare. In itself, it made no sense, that I could maybe make sense of things again and so suddenly. It makes me wonder that if I ever do recover from whatever this is, I think I would want it to be a gradual process. So that I could begin to understand what has happened, and can make sense slowly of things that were so fucked up before. The idea of recovery itself scares me. How stupid is that?

So I don't think I'm real, but I'm scared of the idea that one day I will think I'm real. I want to wake up from this nightmare, but don't want it to actually be a nightmare. If I am indeed ill, it feels like there is alot of questions to be answered. Surely this is not just about the world being an amazing place and the brain being an amazing thing. At the moment it feels like if that old person does suddenly turn up, it will be a 'where have I been for four months?' situation. That person is laying literally dormant, and I do mean literally. At the end of the day, I just want to understand what the hell is going on!


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*28/26/2017*

Much like yesterday I have just been watching a guy doing stuff. When I ask myself the question, do I believe I'm in the real world?; I still can't say yes.

I got up at lunchtime. No surprise there. I had arranged the night before for Issi to come over for dinner tonight. Well I say 'I' did, it felt very literally like I was watching someone else do it without putting a thought in to it myself. It feels like I've stopped worrying too much about the fact I don't think I'm real, but now it's like I'm not thinking about anything at all. It literally feels like someone else without any thought and feeling is doing it. It's hard to explain.

So I had my lunch and leisurely showered, then went out to get some things for dinner. Again I was just an observer watching this person walk to the shops, pick things up, and head home. And I haven't got much to add for the day really. I cooked dinner, Issi came round, and we watched tv. I find it amazing that I am doing things with people I don't think are actually there. I'm astonished that I am just accepting being here in a fake world. I really just want to go home now, yet I don't have the motivation to find the answers.

I'm going to try and map things out concisely to see if I can reach a conclusion with my feelings. I don't think I'm real. I'm acting in this world out of necessity because there's nowhere else I can act. But I don't know if I believe this is real or not. Whatever the answer, this isn't the right way to be. Until tomorrow then.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*29/06/2017*

I have done absolutely f all today. But there is a reason for this. That being the way I have been feeling. I don't know whether this is progress or a descent into the abyss. Here's why.

I got woken up very early this morning (for me) by a stuffy nose and a throbbing headache. I lay there with a similar feeling to the one I had yesterday. A feeling I recognised as being the old me. Weirdly though, this scared me. I still felt not right, but this was a feeling as if I had disappeared for months and landed back on this earth. I looked at my fingers, I had a spot on my right index digit. This was a thing I used to get all the time, but not at all in the four months since I've believed I'm in the wrong world. The mere fact that I suddenly had one was proof to me that I hadn't been around for this time.

I went back to sleep and woke up at half 1. I went down to get lunch and from there on have had a number of different feelings today. One thing was how when I went to feel objects, I could touch them and interact with them, but they didn't feel real. That is something that has happened to me a number of times. To me it serves as proof that I'm not in the real world. It's like touching things in virtual reality. You can touch them, but nothing feels like it should do.

Another problem I've had today is the usual. Nobody seems to be reracting in the right way to me. Someone who doesn't know if they are actually here, and has no idea how he interacts with a world which he honestly can't say is real. Yet he does anyway. I've been over this a thousand times and I still can't tell myself what I actually believe which is a problem in itself. I don't know what I believe. That always tells me that something is seriously wrong. How can someone who isn't sure of what thought is right and what thought is wrong be normal? I don't know if this is real or if this is fantasy. Why would anyone not step in and sort this out? It remains a mystery to me.

I keep seeing the people who I recognise as those who have shaped my life, and keep telling myself to talk to them about all this. But then I wonder what the point is, because I honestly can't tell myself that these people are actually there so telling them would be like telling a brick wall. Plus I have evidence to back that up, with the way my mum reacted the last time I tried to tell her, 'I don't believe this is the real world, I want you to help and do something about it'. Maybe the reason she reacted the way she did is because she can't do anything, because she is a figment of my imagination? I keep trying to reassure myself its because the nature of all of this, is that I seem more normal than I actually am. But that theory never seems to stick with me, it doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like a legit answer like a two plus two equals four.

I did briefly worry about my birthday coming up again today. I am dreading it. There's no point in physical presents because they wont feel right and I would view them as just a projection. I also can't associate with the person who has that birthday. So it wont be 'my' birthday.

One last thing I will say before I finish todays entry. It is as if week by week I am a completely different person. The guy I am this week is completely different to the guy I was last week, and the week before that etc. It's as if a person keeps dying and another pops up in his place. This is so fucked up. Therapy again tomorrow (if this is real). It's amazing how fast time is going by. Time flies when you're having absolutely no fun at all.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*30/06/2017*

Ok so today. I'll try and do things chronologically. I can't really remember much about how I've felt, but I think that is because therapy gave me alot to think about. Let's see.

I got up at lunchtime when my mum got home from her half day. Her being around didn't really give me much time to think, which maybe is a good thing? I had lunch, and washed with great leisure as usual. We then went shopping at the supermarket. I observed how interesting it was that I was following this person around the shops who I don't believe is really there. If I didn't believe I was, surely I wouldn't get involved in these things. Anyway I'm trying to make myself conclude that this is all just confusion. When I think about how I might not be in the real world though, it comes on so strong. It's like the evidence for this being a fake world is overwhelming.

Anyway, after this and a coffee, I walked myself to the therapist. I've been very unmotivated today, and this included the idea of going to therapy. The notion that it was all a pointless endeavor has been strong. If the world I'm in isn't real; whats the point of going to therapy, to the shops, doing anything?

So I had the therapy session, and I talked alot. I didn't think about anything else apart from what the therapist and I said. It was glorious. What she said made alot of sense in the moment. I just hope that it does when I'm alone and in trouble and really need it. Projecting what I was feeling inside to the outside world was very liberating today. I just hope that I am able to share as much and make as much sense telling other people. This is what she suggested. I told Ma that I was going to share this very diary with her, and her response didn't exactly fill me with confidence to be honest. It's so hard to make people understand, I know they don't mean to be so flippant, but it's what puts me off saying anything. If they are so unmoved when I feel so terrible, surely this is evidence for this not being in the real world. In the real world my mother would move heaven and earth if i was in genuine trouble, which is what I feel. I can tell myself I'm just not showing it, but something just doesn't seem right about that.

So that is the bulk of the day. Things don't really add up to me still, but I'm gonna try and stay positive. Unfortunately I know what happens as the week goes on, I can never stay positive, and things always seem to sink back to the usual crapfest. Let's hope this time it's different.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*01/07/2017*

It's July. Great. Still here wasting my life, if I have one to waste. Yet again today I've had zero motivation to do anything or talk to anyone. To be honest, I'm miserable.

Woke up usual time. Ma was home, so got me lunch. There was talk of going up in to London with a bunch of people, but I couldn't face it. ONE, because it was just too much pressure. I don't know if I'm real or not in my own home, so imagine being in a completely different place trying to work things out without being able to run to bed and just sleep. TWO, I find it difficult enough trying to talk to one person I don't believe is there. So imagine two, three, four people! Each one talking to me whilst I'm going over whether each individual is real, whether I believe I'm real, whether it's me responding to them, whether my brain is actually moving my mouth. Everyone of them thinking I'm acting normal, where as I'm very not normal in my head and none of this situation is making sense. THREE, pretending to be normal in itself. Thinking about all of the stuff I've mentioned in this diary wondering if the cracks will ever show, yet wanting them to show, yet not wanting them to show. I know alot of this contradicts itself, but the contradictions don't seem to matter because I really don't know what to believe.

If this world is indeed real and this is all really happening, then one of life's humiliations crept up on me today. I AM BROKE. I have zero money. All of the life I have supposedly led, and what have I got to show for it? Nothing. All of the memories, any hard work, any ambition has counted for nothing. Today I had to yet again suffer the humiliation of asking my mother to pay for my phone bill. I'm struggling to convince myself of the existence of people, but the last ounce of me that might believe this world to be true is a shadow of a functioning member of society. Contributing nothing. Unable to do anything about it, because how can one make something of himself when he doesn't know there is a himself to make something of?

Ma was kind, and could see how upsetting this was to me so made no fuss of it, though she could have. It made me feel slightly more real that she could see the struggle in me at this moment, though I am still of course confused. It did make me feel some emotion, I was on the verge of crying for a while which I guess could proof that there is maybe a bit of human in me.

We walked to get a coffee, and around a couple of shops. There wasn't too much of a dialogue going around in my head at these points, and I was able to put on somewhat of a brave face.

The last few days I've been playing some video games to try and enjoy something. It has distracted me a bit. It even bothers me that I've had the thought to do this though, and much like everything else it doesn't seem quite right when I involve myself in this activity.

Ma came back with Phil as they had bought a takeaway. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't really feel like talking to anyone so probably seemed quite rude. As always though I don't know if care either way what people think, because I'm either not real or very ill so it wouldn't matter.

After dinner I was feeling quite nervous and twitchy. I don't know what brought it on. Before all of this stuff had happened I wouldn't question this. Now I feel as if though nothing make sense, so the fact that this happened is now a big confusion to me along ith everything else. How could I feel this nervous when nothing in particular scared me in that moment? How could it just happen while I was just sitting there with no threats around me?

And that brings me up to date. So things aren't perfect at all. I am slightly mindful though of what we talked about in therapy yesterday. I've been trying to think back to that mindset, of how liberating it felt to just vent like that. To hear someone talk and make some sense of what I was telling them. It was almost like my mind and this world were a it more connected because I had a period of time where I could just talk about all of this stuff and nothing else. I didn't have to talk about paying bills, or going out, or talking about anything in the exterior world; the things that I'm struggling to believe the existence of. It was just all about what was in my head, the thing that seems the most real to me. Well, I will try to keep thinking about this tomorrow.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*02/07/2017*

So as usual today I am struggling with the same old stuff. I don't know if I will have much to add in today's entry, but let's see how it goes. I do feel like a broken record at this point, but nothing much changes in general apart from how upset and annoyed I am about the way I feel.

I woke up in the late morning still having that overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do anything until I am sure of what the hell is going on. Ian came round and I talked a bit to him. Still felt like it wasn't me, and still questioned why the hell I was talking about normal stuff when I'm not even sure I'm real. Again though, broken record.

Ma wanted me to go out with her an Phil, but my god I really didn't want to. I don't know how to put across to people that it isn't because I'm being rude, it's because I am frightened. I genuinely don't know whether she exists, whether he exists; so trying to partake in activity with people who I don't know are there is a minefield.

They went out without me,so I went for a walk on my own. Nothing significant to add here, was just one of my normal walks with the same old stuff flying round. When I am on my own, I am still heavily conflicted with what it is that I actually believe. Do I believe I'm real? Am I the same person? I've said it all before. It still amazes me that apparently none of this shows to the outside world. Do people actually think I am doing much better than I am? I guess it's actually hard to show when the conflict is happening within my head and doesn't escape it's walls. I still get the feeling that if I do ever escape this, it will be like waking up from a long dream. And hey I'm not ruling it out. Although there is no evidence that I have actually gone anywhere, everything looks the same, but somehow the way I'm interacting with it seems completely different. Something just seems very off. If I were in the world I know, I wouldn't have that off feeling.

They came home for dinner, and I actually found myself interacting with them surprisingly well. I still felt that I was in the wrong place, but I had to get on with it because I had no choice. I still feel deeply uncomfortable around anybody. Slightly less so with the people who resemble my family, but with people who aren't that close to me it's a real effort to pretend like I am normal. It's amazing how I still have a conscience about these things. I feel so detached, yet am able to keep some sort of social decorum. Is this because I actually deep down know this is all real and just a very strange symptom of illness? Who knows.

So that's another day gone, another day where I am far from answers and very unsure of anything. But what's new there. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

I'm not in the mood to write my entry today as I've had an awful 24 hours. So I will simply ask this question to the forum. How would you react if a loved one came up to you and simply said, 'I don't believe I'm in the real world'? What would you do, what would you say is the typical response.

I ask this because I've literally said 'I don't believe i'm in the real world' to family members, and their reaction was not what I expected. This just seemed to compound my theory. So what do you think?


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*Here comes my latest double entry. It's two in one and happening late for reasons that ill become clear as you read. I once again ask to PLEASE comment if you have anything to say. Maybe one of you will have an answer or an explanation for any of this.*

*03/07/2017 and 04/07/2017*

I haven't written an entry for a couple of days because quite frankly I've been lost. I still am in many ways. I'm just hoping to get some answers which will help me get out of this and give me a life.

I'm going to go back to Sunday night where things really got to me. I had finally sent this very diary to Ian to look over to see what his thoughts were. We had a long text exchange afterwards about what he thought. As I read his responses I slowly began to sink internally. He was yet another person who didn't seem to give me the response I wanted to hear. He felt no need to take immediate action to the fact that I really genuinely thought I was in the wrong world. Is there something I'm missing? Is it just that hard to explain? Or do people just think that it simply isn't true? This led me to spiral. If nobody can do anything to intervene when I don't believe I'm really in the real world, then surely that means I'm not in the real world and so need to find a way back to it. But i know there is no way back to the real world, so I'm trapped.

I spent most of that night awake, not knowing what to do, where to escape to. I couldn't ask anybody to help, because they weren't real. These people were not the people from my world. I went downstairs in to the living room, crying uncontrollably. This felt weirdly good because at least I had some sort of human emotion. I sniffed, coughed, and talked to myself through the night knowing there was nothing I could do. I think I secretly wanted my mum upstairs to hear me and come and intervene. But she didn't, because she wasn't real. Plus I wouldn't know what to say to her anyway, and I knew whatever I did say wouldn't get the reaction I desired. I spent the night filling in a crossword, which I was strangely good at considering the circumstances.

At about 4am, I went and layed in my bed. Not knowing if I wanted to sleep or not. I eventually did and didn't get up until 2pm on Monday. I felt horrible, unmotivated, dead, and any number of adjectives to describe shit. Ma came home shortly afterwards. Here is where something had to be done. I didn't want to do any of the normal things she was asking me to do, because I wasn't in the normal world. The day was a bit of a blur from there. All I can remember is we did eventually talk. We went round in circles, neither of us making much sense to eachother. I asked her again and again why she reacts the way she does when I tell her I don't believe this is the real world. Again and again though no answer seemed to satisfy me. I still couldn't believe that if this was indeed all real, someone hadn't treated it as an emergency. Therefore it can't be real.

I'm going to digress slightly to talk about this. It's a question I've asked a few people and still don't understand. If you saw a loved one break their leg in front of you, what would you do? Answer: call an ambulance of course. If someone told you that they genuinely believed they were being followed by a monster, what would you do? Answer: you would get them immediate help from the mental health service, because they are believing something that is not true. Now, where it doesn't make sense to me. If someone told you they genuinely believed they thought that they weren't in the real world, what would you do? Here is where nothing seems to add up, and what proves to me I'm not in the real world. Because people don't answer this question in the same way they would answer the one about the monster, and I don't know why! If this were the real world then people would surely have the same reaction to these two questions. Believing in a monster following you and believing you are in a different world entirely are both FALSE beliefs in the real world. So why then when I tell people I GENUINELY think this is an alternative world, do they not seem worried at all? Do they not believe me? Can they see something I can't in me? Or is it just proof that I am in the wrong world, so of course they wont react in the right way, because this is all just fantasy? If someone could give me the answer to this I would be set for life. But right now, it seems that this is impossible to answer.

After the talk with Ma, I just moped around and acted as normal, just pretending I knew what was going on. We actually went for a walk later on, but it still wasn't right. I had just exhausted myself to the point where I couldn't worry as much as I did about it anymore. I was up again for alot of the night, not being able to do much. I couldn't write a diary entry because it would have been pointless.

On Tuesday I got up at a more respectable half 1. I have not much to add about this day, because the feelings havebeen on a pretty much steady path ever since Sunday night. I spent the day tring to find answers, and not succeeding in that. I did meaningless gardening, or at least watched myself doing this. I only spoke when I had to, and again had little motivation to do anything. When Ma got home, we had dinner and went for a walk. I even took a football to kick around to try and feel something. Maybe I thought this would give me the miracle answers I wanted. Still though, I pretended all the way.

I spoke to Issi on the phone as usual before bed. I haven't really told her much about any of this. She knows I've had a bad couple of days, but I can't bring myself to tell her the absolute truth. I think it's because I fear her reactions the most. Weirdly, I do think that she may react in a different way to how everyone else has been; so I tend to pretend things are better around her. I think it's a fear of losing her. I've lost so much already, my own mind, the world I used to live in. Hell I may have even lost her and everyone else anyway, if this really isn't the real world. I'm scared to tell her, because I fear for what her reaction will be. I mean who wants to stay with someone who is this child-like, less mentally capable than everyone else? And then of course there is the usual, there's no point in telling her, anyone for that matter because they aren't actually there and nothing can be done about it.

So it's actually the 5th as I write this entry for the previous two days. I still feel much the same, and I will see how I feel later as to whether I write another entry for today. I do have a doctors appointment, with an actual doctor tomorrow. I seem to be pinning alot on this, and I fear that is not a good idea. I don't know if this is actually happening, yet it feels like it's the only hope I have. I don't even know how I'm going to get there. I don't want anyone to take me, I just want to get there and get the answers I need. We will wait and see.


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## crystalglass6524 (Jul 5, 2017)

Hi Djstone

I've gone through the same thing. It all started last summer when all of a sudden the thought of 'what if everyone I loved wasn't real?' popped into my head and, of course, it scared me and before I knew it I had become obsessed with it (the depersonalization/derealization feelings weren't helping either)

I never told anyone though, as I thought that they would think I was crazy or that it might not even matter because 'they might not even be real'. It was hard because it felt like I was alone and that it wouldn't matter anyway if nothing was real, so I KNOW how you feel.

And I too would be looking for answers to prove to myself that everything WAS in fact real. But I soon realized that this was useless as I was giving importance to a thought that didn't have any meaning in the first place. Sometimes you're asking a question that has no definite answer and you have to learn to accept that uncertainty (which will take time) and you'll be able to move on.

You also said that the response you got when you told people about your thoughts wasn't the response you were expecting or looking for but the reason for that is because, believe it or not, EVERYONE has had these thoughts at least once. It's just that they don't dwell on it or pay any mind to it because they know it's just a silly absurd thought that doesn't have any meaning. But as for us dealing with an anxiety disorder (GAD and Pure-OCD for me) it can be hard because our minds latch onto that and before we know it we've become obsessed it to where we are constantly thinking about it 24/7. For example, just yesterday my sister (who doesn't have an anxiety disorder) randomly told me 'what if all of this was a dream?' and i just told her 'don't be silly' and she just laughed it off and wasn't at all bothered by it. That was when I realized that I myself no longer gave any thought to it as I had moved along and wasn't bothered by it compared to if I had anxiety. I mean ask yourself, would you really be bothered by the thought if it weren't for your anxiety? The unreal feelings are a symptom of anxiety and so in the end anxiety is the root of the problem. Once you address that anxiety the dissociative feelings will also go away. In my case, I just tried (still am trying) to take care of myself and sleep well, exercise (daily), and spend as much time with the ones you love and not try to isolate yourself, and of course seek therapy.

I hoped this helped and I'm sorry for the long post and just know that you'll get out of this


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

crystalglass6524 said:


> Hi Djstone
> 
> I've gone through the same thing. It all started last summer when all of a sudden the thought of 'what if everyone I loved wasn't real?' popped into my head and, of course, it scared me and before I knew it I had become obsessed with it (the depersonalization/derealization feelings weren't helping either)
> 
> ...


Hey, thank you for the kind words or encouragement. I just have one question, did you at any time believe this idea to be the gospel truth. Because that's the thing I'm really struggling with. I feel like I believe it.

Anyway, todays entry coming up soon.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*05/07/2017 and 06/07/2017*

Just to recap yesterday while I get the thoughts assembled. It was much the same as the previous two days which I had wrapped up in the last entry. Not much to add, still felt the same, still was just watching myself, still was pretending.

Right, so today. Today was the day I had waited 4 months for. The chance to actually see a doctor. I got up in the late morning, and was very nervous. I didn't know if I could take myself all the way to the clinic on my own. I haven't been out that far in a couple of week, let alone the fact that I didn't believe I was in the real world. I had to get dressed and ready reasonably quickly if I was to make it on time. I had a very quick lunch, got my stuff together and went out.

I didn't really think much about anything on the way there. I just hopped on and off the two buses I had to catch, occasionally having a bit of thought about the usual stuff. I walked a short way to complete my journey and handed my letter in to reception. Whilst in the waiting area I noted the cool breeze of the air conditioner, then noted how I was dripping with sweat despite this. I was walking through the heat beforehand and I was of course apprehensive.

The doctor came and got me and walked me through to a consultation room. He asked me how I had been since the crisis team had seen me. I tried to tell him as much of what I felt as possible, but you can never get it all out. He told me words I hopefully will take on board and have been waiting to hear from a doctor. You have anxiety and depersonalisation. I said to him, even though I believe I'm not real? He said yes. It's very complicated, but it is a form of this. He said something which is obvious, but I really needed to hear; that I AM NOT A DOCTOR. No matter how many thoughts I have, what I interpret the situation to be; I am not a qualified clinician so I simply don't have a leg to stand on with my self diagnosis. I just hope I can hold on to this idea. I know exactly what my counter argument would be, but I'm not going to say it.

The doctor was quite scatty in a way. He would ask you a question, be midway through a sentence, and then ask you something else. Anyway I could go through everything that was said, but that would be a waste of time. He upped my venlafaxine (because apparently I was on a child's dose before), and has prescribed me a new drug as well. He will email through all of my treatment details, and hopefully I will have a solid plan in action. One thing he did tell me which is never good news, is that the waiting list for psychotherapy is 11 months! Dear god, hope everything make sense before then. Seriously what the hell is wrong with the world? Seriously ill people have to wait almost a year just to start treatment. Apparently there are four psychiatrists serving a borough of 200,000. TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND. One doctor for every 50,000 people. Unbelievable.

When I left, I felt that usual elation that I always do when leaving a healthcare professional and getting some answers. Hopefully this time it will stick. I am having my private therapy tomorrow, so maybe two straight days of care will help. Ma picked me up and I told he all about it. I was positively talkative at this point and have been for most of the evening. Hopefully this rush will stick.

So since being home I have done some Practical life stuff, while I'm still in an ok mood. I pray to god that this positivity will stick. I'm just so worried it wont make the slightest difference come tomorrow.

So basically the cure for me is to speak to a doctor every day. I wonder if the other 200,000 will step aside and let me have this one? Until tomorrow...


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## crystalglass6524 (Jul 5, 2017)

I'm glad I could help

And yes there were times where I would actually believe the thought to be genuinely true and it would really scare me and bring me so much anxiety. But even when I thought it to be true, once I stopped obsessing over it and constantly fighting it, the obsession slowly started to fade to where it was no longer existent. It was the anxiety and dp/dr feelings accompanying it that made it feel so real and especially since your mind is constantly obsessing over it.

Anyways, it's good you've found a doctor and don't worry, no matter how real the thought feels, just remember that it's just the anxiety and dp/dr making you feel like it is and you'll soon get out of this


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*07/07/2017*

I'm going to keep today's entry quite short for two reasons. I don't have much to add and I don't want to dwell on anything.

The only thing of note I did today, was see the therapist. After two straight days of talking about the things I have mentioned so many times I want to see if there is any difference.

So i'm going to try to not think about anything. Easier said than done. But my goal is to not be too optimistic, nor pessimistic. I'm going to hold back on doing too much or too little until I get my treatment plan sent to me. So I pray that nothing overly dramatic happens over the weekend. I will try and take on board what has been said to me.

And that's it, I'm not going to dwell on this entry any longer. Here's hoping.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*08/07/2017 and 09/07/2017*

I wasn't fussed about making an entry yesterday, so yet again I'm doing a two in one. Again I don't want to dwell too much on how I'm feeling, so I'm just going to briefly go over what I've done during the day. Obviously the feelings are still there, but I'm trying my best not to feel too strongly one way or the other.

So on Saturday I went for a gentle walk with my mum after lunch. We found a nice path along the canal and did a bit of exploring. We stopped on the way for a cold drink. In the evening, we had dinner in the garden and I played some computer games. It still feels unlike the way I used to feel doing these things, but that's all I will say.

Today, I met Issi at the station and we went on another discovery walk along the canal. We bought some picnic things, and found a spot by a lake to eat it. There were lots of people fishing, and I tried to chat as much as possible and then move on with it, rather than dwell. We walked a little further until Ma came and picked us up. Then in the evening we had a light dinner in the garden and I walked Issi back to the station.

So there it is. A not too exciting, not too boring weekend. That will suit me just fine for the moment. Nothing more to add today. Over and out.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*10/07/2017 and 11/07/2017*

I think I am going to make my entries every two days from now on so that I don't have to dwell so much on them. So here is the last two days of my life. Pretty uneventful.

So yesterday I didn't do much. I thought that I might get my letter through from the doctor, but that didn't happen. All I really did was get up late, have lunch and go for a bit of a walk. I played video games n the evening. Been trying to do this to elicit some feeling of the old me.

Today I did much the same. Late up as usual. I've been on three separate walks in the rain today. I like to do this, it always makes me feel something on an emotional level. In the past when I've felt really upset about something, a walk in the rain has always given me some perspective. I've always still felt upset, but it almost puts an interesting and exciting spin on that feeling.

And that's about it for the last couple of days. I'm still trying to keep the philosophy of not feeling strongly either way towards things. It seems to keep me a bit more open minded. If I'm honest, I am still lost and confused. I'm hoping soon this will subside and as I said, I'm not going to dwell on the pessimism.

I did get my letter from the doctor today. On it the diagnosis says, 'anxiety disorder: unspecified'. That doesn't inspire the biggest amount of confidence. Anyway it has outlined a treatment plan, but again I do have that creeping 'but the world isn't real feeling'. Anyway, stop dwelling.

Let's see how the next two days go.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*12/07/2017 and 13/07/2017*

I've felt a little bit more iffy these last two days. I'm still trying to keep the same mantra, but something needs to be done to properly boost me. I still feel I need to be convinced about what I actually believe to go any further.

So I have been getting up especially late all week. This means that I haven't been ready to go out and do anything till about 3 in the afternoon. Still I decided to get my bike out and ride it around the park for a bit yesterday. I took some downloaded podcasts and a snack and listened/ate under a tree and then lied down. I have been feeling especially tired recently, I wonder what this is down to. Medication maybe? Or just all the inactivity? In the evening I did exactly as i have done all week.

Today I wasn't ready to do anything until Ma got home. We went for a walk and then she went out alone for a bit. While she was gone I decided to get the bike out again and repeat yesterday's activities. And that's about it for today.

I'm not going to be too negative about this, but I feel the need to write it down. The fact that I still can't convince myself that this is all down to mental illness. I can't seem to link up the timeline to make an explanation for everything. I think it's that niggling that perhaps I believe that this isn't the real world. It feels like nothing would be this complicated in that world. Also no matter what I say to people, I still feel like they don't get it. Like somehow I am on a different wavelength to everyone else. Maybe this is because we are from separate worlds?

Anyway, that's all the dwelling I'm going to do. Therapy again tomorrow. The weeks are whizzing by. I'll probably get a little boost tomorrow, hopefully I'll get better and better at sustaining it.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*If there is a person who can give me an answer to the question I ask in this entry, please do. Because I am yet to find that answer from anyone.*

*14/07/2017 and 15/07/2017*

*Sigh*. So yesterday was fine and no different to the previous few days. Today was a different story and I'm going to have to dwell on it a little bit to make any sense of everything and get it out of my head.

To briefly summarise yesterday, I went to the therapist. As usual everything seemed to be making sense while I was in there, and we were going over things, and I seemed to accept explanations of what was going on while I was there.

Today though, the home truth seems to have hit me. That truth is that I can't begin to use 'coping mechanisms', I can't accept a diagnosis, I can't believe what people are telling me until...I AM CONVINCED I AM IN THE REAL WORLD!

So it's Saturday, which means Ma was home. She wanted to go to Uxbridge. I have not traveled much further than my own town in over a fortnight, and I did not realise what an issue this would be for me. I was feeling apprehensive before we even left. As we drove and eventually got there that only continued and worsened. Of course I didn't let on. Then that demon came back to haunt me. The one question that has bothered me throughout all of this. Everything in the world seems to function the way it should do to me, EXCEPT the way people act when I tell them I don't believe I'm real. Now the irony here is, I don't think I have actually said this to anyone in a long time, but the memories of when it has been came flooding back.

Simply put, how? How when I have said this to someone have they not immediately tried to get me sectioned? How when I have told doctors and therapists, even they have not felt the need to diagnose a more serious issue, when I have told them that this is a BELIEF, NOT A FEELING! Is depersonalisation about your belief system too? If so why is nobody telling me this? I feel I would be a million times better and on the right track if someone just gave me an answer that made sense to me! So when I ask them, why do you not think it is more serious when I tell you I don't believe the world is real? Why can't they answer with, 'it's because I don't think you actually believe that', or a, 'because that's not the way you present yourself'. Even I can think of an answer that might be suitable for me, but nobody has actually said that! So if nobody can answer that question in a way that makes sense, it is the one thing that is wrong with the world, and it is the one question that is most important to me. Yet People do not give me anything along those lines. So this must mean I'm not in the real world, that I am in purgatory or in a coma in a bed somewhere; because if the most important question of all can't be answered in ths world then the rest of it doesn't matter. So if I am in a fake world I want to escape it, yet I don't know where to escape to.

Now I'm going to sound completely contradictory writing the next bit. Because it is something that happened in this world. I spoke to Issi on the phone. She wasn't in a great mood, but I just had to unload this feeling somewhere. I am always nervous about telling close ones anything, partly because I know they wont react in the way I think that they should if they are real, and partly because theirs are the opinions that matter the most to me. So I want to tell Issi stuff because I know she will care, but I don't want to because when she finds out I'm completely nuts she'll have to leave. Anyway, I told her all of this and it feels like she may reach the end of her tether soon. She was having a bad day to begin with, but I had nowhere else to turn. My mum always seems to give me the least satisfactory responses of anyone, telling me she knows how I feel (when I'm sorry she's never believed she wasn't in the real world), and then seemingly not being anymore worried than if I had just stubbed my toe. So I had no choice but to talk to Issi.

It was very hard to put it into words to her, and we talked for a while. Still things didn't seem to add up for me. She asked me how I wanted her to react, and I just said I don't know. When really I think I want her to just call someone and say that she thinks I'm not with it at all. Anyway why should people have to ask me how to react? If this were the real world, surely she would know or just react in the right way. By the end of it I think she was pretty frustrated, and had to go reasonably abruptly without and 'I love you' or anything. This feels like I have finally done it, and pushed someone away; someone I love so dearly. Someone I had ambitions of creating a future with, of travelling the world together, of one day getting married and having children. And yet, does it matter? This isn't the real world, because in the real world everything had an answer that made sense. In this world, everything but one thing has an answer that makes sense.

The afternoon and evening flew by. I rode my bike. I had pizza with Ma and Phil, them being none the wiser of what is going on. They could see I was quiet, but probably think I was just feeling a bit sad. I'm not just sad. I don't know who I am, or where I am, or why this is happening, or IF it is happening.

I've never so much as had a drag of weed my entire life, not even touched a single drug EVER. But I get punished with this trip or whatever this is. Will anyone accept that I don't 'feel this way', I AM this way. Will anybody help me? But of course they can't if this is a fake world. I don't 'feel alone', I truly am alone.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*16/07/2017 and 17/07/2017*

So I guess you can call the last two days better. I had to do something, anything about the way I felt on Saturday; and so I did.

So I summoned up the courage to takl to my mum yesterday morning. I told her the night before to please talk to me in the morning, and so she made a point of doing so before anything else. I asked her the question, 'why do you react the way you do when I tell you I don't BELIEVE I'm real?' And in so many words she told me it's because she didn't believe I believed that and that I don't outwardly appear like I believe that. I half had to put the words in her mouth, but the answer was somewhat satisfactory to me. It didn't feel like a massive relief to me like I thought it would, I think partly for that reason. But it was enough for me to at least get on with doing something and put some positive ideas in my head.

She went out at lunch. I watched the grand prix and made sure to tell Issi that I was coming to hers to see her. So at 4pm, I packed up a bag and just went for it. I got on the train, took the bus and met her. I was chatty and thought about things as little as I possibly could. We had a nice evening, and it did help with things a bit. I was very twitchy on the way home. My stomach was going like crazy, I just had such an urge to puff it out in several different places. It was very uncomfortable.

Today I have been thinking slightly more positively. I did the same old getting up late routine and didn't go out until Ma got home. We walked to the shops and I was chatting to her quite confidently, again trying not to think too much. On the way back we were talking about some old memories from my childhood, and that did help me to reconnect some puzzle pieces slightly. The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful.

So yet again that cycle continues. It's amazing what a different person I am when I'm having a really bad time, to the one I am when I can actually see some positives. It is like there are two different people. Who knows what personality I will have tomorrow, and then the day after that. Well as always, here's hoping.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*Here's my latest entry. Haven't done one in a few days. As always, please do post if you can relate to anything I'm saying, or have any advice or comments, or just kind words of support!*

*22/07/2017*

It's the end of July. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. It is like I've not been here. I've lost a huge chunk out of my life. I'm still trying to get it back, if I indeed ever was! I haven't written for a sizable chunk of days. I've been doing a bit more, and haven't really had the inclination. I'll try to sum up the last few days.

So I have made some small changes. I've been going out a tiny bit more and trying to engage more with people. I think the medication I'm taking may have helped with this as I'm finding it alot easier to suppress some of the old thoughts I had. Though to be honest they are still in the background.

I traveled to Issi's twice in the week and did notice some improvement when talking to her, and was able to find some connection. The journeys were the worst part, as that is when the questioning of things happened the most along with the twitching. The last time I went, I did notice some breathing difficulties on the journey there, but they actually seemed to disappear when I saw Issi. I hope going forward, I can get more and more confident going to different places, and be able to make sense of more things.

For the rest of the week, I have been going for gentle bike rides on most days. I do wonder how I am controlling the bike, and it does seem automatic at times; but I'm hoping that will be another thing that I can eventually make sense of as I do it more and more. I am still getting up very very late. I can wake up in the morning at earlyish times, but end up still feeling very tired and unable to get up. So I end up going back to sleep and not getting out of bed until about 1:30pm. I do wonder if this is why the weeks seem to go so quickly, as the days I have are actually quite short.

Today I was on my own as usual. So after lunch and washing, I went out for a walk and just decided to see where I would end up. I found a rambling route which was pretty well signposted, so decided to see how far along it I could get. I walked along rivers, through housing estates, fields, forests, by train tracks; it was nice to explore. I still of course don't feel fully connected, and those doubts that I was not actually there and this was all in my imagination were still there, which I'll address in the next paragraph. I eventually got tired ad so found the nearest tube station and began travelling back home. I had a coffee half way, and then got the bus the rest of the way. And that was today.

Feelings wise, as I mentioned I'm still not convinced that I'm in the real world. I just go along with it. The thing that has been really bothering me since last night is an idea that maybe what I'm seeing in this world is just my imagination. I've been having very vivid dreams recently, and feel like if I could imagine those up, then surely I could imagine all the things that are supposedly in this 'real world' up. I've been struggling with how little control we seem to have over our bodies. The heart beating, the breathing, the blood flowing, the ways our eyes react to light: all of these things just don't seem possible to me. You can read all the scientific explanation you like to explain this, but I somehow don't believe it. It's like how the world I grew up in made sense, and I was happy with the explanations and felt like I was in control. But now in this world, it doesn't, it seems to complicated, it seems unbelievable, it just can't be true. It has led me to feel like an automaton. There is so much about me, about the body that I own; that I'm not in control of, and it has really brought up questions about how much free will I have. Why did I just accept this before? Why am I now looking at things differently? Is it because this isn't the actual world? It feel like I surely can not be fully in control. Maybe I don't have any control, maybe there is something else just controlling me. It is hard to get enjoyment out of life, when you feel like you are not the one controlling it. It feels like I'm just a computer or something. It's hard to put in to words.

Following on from this, the idea that a medication can change the way I am is really bothering me. Surely this is not actually me then. It feels like you're being controlled by an outside influence. Surely this is evidence that I am not actually in control. Rather than be just a philosophical idea, this just seems to be a problem for me.

And that's the last few days. Yes, you can say there have been improvements. But in many ways some things feel like a sideways step. Still hoping for a day when everything will just fall in to place. It's a long and complicated journey. It's so complex, yet I don't want it to be and feel like it shouldn't be. Until next time.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*26/07/2017*

So the last few days have been on a simmer. I feel like I am having wildly different feelings about things during the days. I can be ultra positive or ultra negative. It's very hard to know what I actually believe still, which is my main point of contention.

Take yesterday for example. In the morning I went to have an ECG done on the request of the psychiatrist. I felt relatively human doing this. I was doing something that involved a physical thing happening to me, and felt like I could one day find a connection. In the afternoon, I went to black park with my mum. When starting to walk round, I got a very woozy head, and felt like my left arm didn't belong to me. I recovered from this, but then as we walked around more the thoughts that are my current obsession got to me.

Basically these thoughts are to do with the way things function in the world and basically how they feel like they are magic. Now, I know magic to be an impossible thing; and now these things that before I never believed to be magic now seem like they are. For example the normal functions of my body. I am not controlling the way my heart beats, or the way my thoughts exit my head and go in to my mouth and are spoken. Therefore they can't be a real thing. It is explained by science, but now that science seems impossible. These processes seem as magical as the idea of clicking my fingers and making a rabbit appear in front of me. I've either lost brain cells or the world really isn't real, because I can't seem to work out what the difference between these two things is. Yet the me in the real world would have known why my body functions aren't magic, yet the idea of casting a spell would be. What the hell?

It also got me thinking about supposedly every day things. Like infrared and radio signals. Surely these things aren't possible either. Yet I just accepted the idea of their existence before, yet now they totally don't make sense. So in that case, has this world never been real and I am just finding out?

I am also still having feelings of saying things yet feeling no connection to them. I can't remember what it was, let's just say it was a book for example. Anyway I was chatting to Issi about this 'book', when I thought to myself why am I talking about this, when I don't belueve it's real and have no feelings towards things. Why would I talk about things that I don't believe are actually happening?

I don't know if I have explained myself very well here, I always find everything very hard to put in to words. Which suddenly brings up another ting I remember. I think I've mentioned it before, but it has become more prominent again recently. When I say things, put sentences together, I seem to have n thoughts about doing it. If I want to put something in to words, I seem to magically be able to string a sentence together without thinking about the meaning of it or the individual words within. It seems amazing that things just come out in the supposedly right order and context.

In positive moments, I can tell myself that this is all down to illness and I am trying to carry this attitude with me. At hard times though, it still just doesn't connect together. Things feel so weird and so impossible, it just can't be true. These are feelings that I, and nobody else could ever imagine happening. It's all very well and good people saying just carry on and ignore it. But what's the point of listening to people that may be a figment of my imagination, and if they are real they have no idea.

That's the thing that has really annoyed me about my mum. I love her to pieces, but she keeps saying she DOES know how I feel because she has had anxiety problems before. But she doesn't, because she is not me and she is not struggling with the idea of her very existence. That is my main problem, and no matter how many people say it is just a symptom, at the same time they have to realise that it doesn't feel like that to me. I literally don't know if I am real or not. My mother, nor anybody else in my life can say this is a conundrum they have. She definitely hasn't had this otherwise she would have told me she could really relate to this 'symptom'. Again, I love my mum and she has many amazing qualities; I just wish she wouldn't react the way she does because it just makes things worse for me. It makes me feel that I'm not being listened to. I can't just get on with things, because even looking at her at times scares the shit out of me. Because I can't tell myself she is real and in the real world, that she is my real mother because there is this part of me that honestly thinks I have somehow transported somewhere else.

I looked at some old photographs yesterday and that did help me to feel some connection. It stirred up some memories of the past and at times I could say that the little boy I saw was actually me.

In conclusion, I do still find it amazing that if I was truly this ill; why the hell is nobody taking care of me in a hospital? How are people just allowed to walk the streets when they are clearly not functioning like everybody else? I may not appear that way, but when I tell them it certainly comes out. But then again, that's probably why. They simply don't believe me, they think what I tell them is all just words. Well I can tell you this, it's the only thing that is real to me. The doubt, the confusion, the not knowing what I believe, the questions, the struggle. It is scary, it is horrible. Looking now, I have highlighted the more negative points of the last few days when there are actually times I can talk myself in to positivity. Let's just hope the positivism is the one that stays.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*01/08/2017*

It's fucking August. Wow, just wow. But dare I say it, I think the drugs are kicking in. Over the last few days I've thought a lot less. Of course in my head though, this does bring up some more complications.

So since about last Thursday, I've actually started to organise a social life. I have arranged a couple of one on one meetings with friends, which I thought would introduce me gently. I feel quite able to do it. I think this is because the medication has actually suppressed my ability to worry so much and also my ability to think much full stop.

A great example of this was yesterday. I traveled to visit Issi. As I was in the toilet of all places, a realisation hit me: I hadn't thought about the 'derealisation' for a good few hours. At the time, and at other times I've had like this during the week; it has felt like a great revelation. It is in these moments,like I have woken up, and for the first time in months am able to give myself logical explanations to everything that has gone on. It is not without it's own pitfalls though, and it has made me think a bit about other problems.

Today hasn't been as great as yesterday. The aforementioned problems are something that is confusing me and for lack of a better phrase, muddling everything up. For one, I am very aware of how under the control of the medication I am. It is bringing up more problems about the idea of free will to me, and makes me think about how little control I may have ever had over myself. I am also often thinking about how suddenly different I can be from one day to another. Especially like from now, compared to maybe a month ago. It is like I'm a different person. Again this makes me think how influenced I am by something that does not occur naturally to me; the power of the pills! It leads to questions of, is this the real me? Or, is there something else controlling me? Am I just at the end of the day, a robot?

One more issue that has been prominent to me is the idea that I seem to still have two personalities. The outer me, and the inner me. Yesterday the outer me pretty much took over. Then when the inner me came back today, it was quite disconcerting. It felt like a different person was thinking to the person that was talking. Literally like two different people, with two different opinions. I'm hoping that these two might combine, but who knows. There is a fear that the outer me may take over, and that inner me will disappear. It does almost scare me to let go of this person that has taken over my life for the last few months.

I can't seem to be able to put much coherently, so I'll stop there for now. It's partly because I am distracted by a television programme, which I guess is a good thing! To conclude, I can see signs of improvement. At the moment though, it does seem mostly down to the drugs. I have had times today where I have not been sure whether I believe I am in the real world or not. But at times during the week, I have been able to find a reason for this and convince myself I am in the real world. Hopefully my next entry will be entirely positive. Until then...


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

Djstone said:


> 01/08/2017
> 
> It's fucking August. Wow, just wow. But dare I say it, I think the drugs are kicking in. Over the last few days I've thought a lot less. Of course in my head though, this does bring up some more complications.
> 
> ...


What medication are you on? And keep up the good work!!!


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

I'm on Venlafaxine and pregabaline.


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*03/08/2017*

I'm writing today to get things off my chest. I find myself actually angry with the world. I just want to say a massive fuck you to it.

Yesterday started with the same sort of mood I have been in, ok but I could feel it slipping. I went out to meet Barry. This was the first time I went out specially to see someone socially apart from my family in months. I felt kind of like I couldn't breathe for much of it. I don't know why, I wasn't feeling particularly anxious for any of the meet, only because of this. This is a the sort of thing that is really starting to piss me off. The science just doesn't make sense, it feels like there is no reason for this. This leads me to my age old conclusion, this is all an illusion. All the science I was apparently taught is bullshit, it's not possible to have this kind of thing happen, it can't be.

This is the kind of thing that has been swirling around my head recently. Maybe I was wrong to believe all of the things I have learnt. Maybe they simply aren't true. Too many coincidences or things that don't make sense keep happening to me. It's just too much for this to possibly be the real world. I surely can't make this stuff up in my head;like how I constantly see the same numbers all the time, how at least every day I'll see say a person mentioned who hasn't been in a long time and then that person will suddenly be mentioned a second time in a completely different conversation in that day. It is so frustrating. What am I supposed to believe when this stuff keeps happening.

Following on from yesterday; that evening I could feel things not feeling quite right again. This morning I felt awful, I was obsessing how I noticed that over the whole time this had been going on, I hadn't had any spots in my nostrils. A peculiar thing I know, but I would get these very regularly prior to my 'breakdown' so I was convinced that I was somehow not in the same world and that I was not the same person who got this ailment. I carried on anyway and went to meet another friend for coffee. I sat there telling her about all that had happened, reciting what doctors and everyone else had told me was wrong like I believed it. But I can't say I do. It was like watching myself express the political opinions that were the exact opposite of my own. I was wondering whether she was part of my imagination. Like I had created her just like you would someone in a dream.

I found myself talking automatically for the rest of this meet, not really thinking about what I was doing or saying. I eventually said my goodbyes and headed home. Things actually felt a bit better by earlier this evening. I had found myself in the safety of my home trying to put a positive spin on things. This is again like a slightly different person takes over at different times. Now as the evening draws on, I just feel angry and confused. I am thinking how impossible and untrue all science and explanations of how I am must be. It's not that the things that I've been taught are illogical. When they are broken down to me, they make perfect sense. I just feel like I now don't believe it. It would simply not be possible for it to be true because what I have experienced feels beyond science. I am not at all spiritual and this all seems like magic to me. Yet I know magic to not be true so what is this? And if there was a God, I'm sorry but I would give him or her a hearty fuck you. Sure I've done things I'm not proud of. Sure I've lied, been mean, done things that would be frowned upon at times; but nothing to deserve this. I can say that you would have to be pretty fucking despicable to deserve this and I am far from that.

So I will continue on. I will probably go up and down and up and down and so on. The idea of suicide feels like a pointless option, because it would literally feel pointless. Killing myself in this world would not do anything. It will not wake me up and return me to my own world. It will not make me feel better. In fact I don't even think it is possible to do. I am trapped here; in this world, in this state and nobody can help me from this because to me it feels like only I exist.

I feel very alone.


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## mind.divided (Jul 2, 2015)

Hi

I've been dealing with this disorder for 5 years now and I find that staying positive and accepting it have been the most useful thing for me. Some days are terrible but I'm always trying to be grateful for the little things and keep reminding myself that this is just my minds coping mechanism from a previous trauma and subconscious anxiety. Sometimes I just forget about it and feel normal even if it still lingers in the background. I just wanted to let you now that this disorder is not a curse that will haunt you forever but that it get's better and better every day and i'm sure that we will all fully recover one day but it takes time for the mind to heal. Please be careful with your thoughts, as they are very powerful. If you focus on negative thoughts and resisting unwanted thoughts you will lower your energy and attract more of that. You want to change your focus to the positives and let go of resistance because that will probably help you a lot, just like it did for me hopefully ^_^


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## Aha's Shadow (Mar 23, 2017)

*19/08/2017*

I give up. Congratulations whatever you are, whoever you are. You win. I'm done with caring about you. Goodbye.

From now on it's fuck it. Weird unexplainable stuff is happening, something is not right. I am pretty convinced I am the only entity in existence full stop. No matter what anyone says or does, nobody knows me better than me, and this is ridiculous. And there is only me.

So goodbye emotions, goodbye trying to make sense of things, goodbye thinking. I'm not putting up with you any longer. This doesn't mean to say that I am going anywhere. Killing myself would be pointless. Doing anything negative or indeed positive, would be pointless. I'm just going to watch and feel nothing towards anything. If something or someone wants to return me back to reality, fine. But for as long as the world and I are like this, I'm not going to do anything about it.

I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of discussing. I am tired of complaining. I am tired of explaining. Nobody gets it, neither do I. As I said, I give up.

Will this detriment my relationships, my living standards, people's opinion of me? Maybe. I just don't care anymore. This is no way to live and so I have just decided not to try. If it gets to the point where somebody else has to take over, fine. Because I'm not doing it. People can tell me all they want that I am the key to helping myself, but I'm not doing it. I don't want to, I'm done fighting.

I'll communicate, I'll just be neutral. I will walk, talk, catch the bus if I need to. I'll eat, sleep, shit. I'll just do it with no thought or emotion. I will not think about science or religion, because neither makes sense to me anymore. My perspective is ruined along with my ability to be myself, so there is no point debating either matter. Either way one of them has fucked me up. So I would just like to say to science, fuck you; if you are the reason for this existence. And to God, fuck you; if you exist. I've lost all faith in anything, and so I officially distance myself from any faith in either.

I don't know if I'll ever write another diary entry, or ever look back at this. If it becomes part of the mundane life that I am now choosing to lead, fine. I am just going to float through 'life' now. I'm not going to care about anything. I used to want to be remembered, when I eventually die to have touched lives for my contributions. It is too late for that now. Now, I will just drift through and be one of the many who is forgotten. I'm fine with that, because I feel the world has forgotten me anyway.

To my late father, I'm sorry. I know you told me I would grow up to be a great man, but I have failed. If by some miracle you can read this and want to help me get back on the right path, thank you. If not, that is fine; I'm just sorry I never fulfilled your premonition. Please understand that I am tired. I tried my best to fight my own emotions, and it didn't work. I know I didn't always try my best physically with some things, but I just couldn't because my brain wouldn't allow me. It may just be an excuse, I don't know. But I am deeply sorry I have let you down, so please forgive me.

So here we go, off to go and live that mundanity. It is not goodbye cruel world, just hello new outlook. I am not going to be special. I am not going to care. And that is fine.


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