# Do you ever just want to stop existing?



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I know that this is going to sound weird but right now, I wish I could either not have dp at all or just stop existing. I can't seem to get a break. Sleeping is not an escape for me. I wake up many times during the night and I have very weird and very active dreams. Then I fight for 2 hours to feel semi awake and then have to deal with this crap all day long. I never get a break. Maybe if I could sleep without dreaming, I would get a break but I don't. I just wish I could stop existing all together. I don't want to die. I don't want my life to end. I just want to like put everything on pause. I need a rest. I need the dp to go away or I need a rest.

I've just been kind of tripping out lately about all of this. Like it's summer. The sun is shining and it's relatively warm outside. People are talking about camping and posting pictures of them swimming or at the lake. I just honestly couldn't care less because I can't tell the difference. It may as well be snowing outside. I really wouldn't know the difference and that makes me so mad. This truly just feels like some cruel freaking torture. It's like forcing us to live when we aren't really alive but we still long for everything everyone else has. I want love. I want to feel the atmosphere in the air. I want to be able to remember what I ate yesterday. I want to lay in the sun, actually feel it's warmth, and that peaceful happy feeling that normal people get when laying in the sun. I don't feel the sun anymore. Not at least until it starts to burn me and then it's an annoyance. I can't actually feel it inside of me and I remember that. I remember experiencing stuff like that. All of this is literally like watching life happen behind a window. You can see it and in some way, you can experience it because it's happening right in front of you but you aren't really a part of it. It's all just so freaking screwed up.

I've been thinking a lot that dp and the plot line for the Matrix seem to go hand in hand. Like we all go through life in reality and we are blissfully unaware of dp. Then on day we are "awakened" and it is very much like being awakened out of the matrix. We aren't in the happy computer generated dream world anymore. We are stuck, thousands of feet underground, cold, dirty, hungry and miserable.

All of this just reminds me of the scene where Cypher is eating the steak with the agent because he wants back into the matrix. He says that if Morpheus had told them the truth, he would have told him to shove his little blue pill right up his butt. Well, in this scenario, dp is morpheous. I want a red pill. I want back in the matrix. I want back into blissful ignorance. I want normal and boring and routine. I don't want this anymore.


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## BenedictaVerdes (Jul 4, 2010)

i couldnt agree with you anymore man. you really hit exactly what ive been trying to explain to my psyciatrist. i think i mite print this out and bring it to him and say i wrote it haha.

but im with you. suicide is not far off for me. im a month away from being 21, something ive been looking forward to for a long time. and now that i am currently in my own personal hell i wont get to enjoy it. i dont think i can handle that big of an event in my life pass me by like it never happened.

i want a fucking restart button. ive been praying to whatver creul fucking god allowed this sort of shit to happen to give me my ignorance back but he wont. my tanks almost empty


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

It sounds like depression talking. Yes it gets frustrating and I've also wondered if there was a way to just go into a controlled coma-like state for a while to see if our brains reset when we wake up. The only way that can happen maybe is by electrical shock therapy in a hospital. A lot of people come out of it feeling back to normal when nothing else helped their depression. But it can also royally fuck up your memory too. It wouldn't be too great if you woke up feeling great but couldn't remember who your friends and family were lol.


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2010)

*@tinyfairypeople,* I really like what you wrote. I don't want to die, I want a break. And I so miss crystal clear reality that is effortless for people -- they feel it every day.

*@And Benedicta,* 21 is VERY young. And I know you are extraordinarily frustrated and angry and miserable. I said I have felt that way many times in my life. But for you, before doing anything rash, try some of the options available if you haven't ... I am not pushing meds, but I messaged some recommendations, and one that kept me from killing myself in my late 20s.

*@flat*, interesting thing re: ECT. I know of 2 people who tried it. One has serious chronic depression and serious chronic DP and is a man older than I am. His experience with ECT was horrible. It didn't help the depression, and made the DP/DR horrific. And he had a long series of treatments which can often be VERY effective for seriously depressed people who respond to nothing else. Also, he said he didn't remember much of THAT, all the treatments. And his memory is fine. It is a short-term memory loss as I understand it that can leave you very disoriented. I wanted ECT at one point and my shrink at the time said he felt I would get so disoriented the DP/DR would get worse.

BUT, another person here on the board ... some years back ... younger ... tried ECT. I was amazed at his story. He said after and ECT treatment (which is essentially inducing a seizure) the DP/DR would DISAPPEAR. But over a short period of time, the DP/DR would slowly return to the unbearable level it was at to begin with. He tried this repeatedly -- a series I guess and this happened over and over. It was like his brain did "reset" to normal, but it wouldn't stay that way.

I can't figure any of it to save my life.


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## outlaw (May 20, 2010)

Ignorance is bliss.. Tiny, your whole post took the words outta my thoughts.. I thought about the matrix a lot.. and those those exact scenes! Wow... dp sucks.


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## hellokitty (Jul 7, 2010)

Sometimes, but I don't have what it takes to commit suicide. It would be a lot easier if I wasn't even born, and haven't had a nice life with lovely people and all that. Hope you stay good!


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