# Back after 17 years!



## gmriefler (Nov 4, 2008)

Hi everyone. So I was 18 years old when my depersonalization/derealization disorder started (1996), and I found this same website around 1997...I believe it was called "depersonalization discussion board" back then. Anyhow, it was great to finally have found a name for my condition. It was so scary to have such strong symptoms yet not know if other people had similar symptoms. I felt so alone until I found this website. I kept visiting the website for several years, but decided to stop visiting it as much because I kinda became "obsessed" with going to it. I currently visit it every 4 years or so.

I am now 37. Although my derealization disorder has never went away, I have led quite a successful life with it. I obtained a PhD in Molecular Genetics, and I have been a scientist since 2000. I have published many scientific publications, and I am going to start a position as a scientific writer next week!!

I have been with the same guy (I'm gay) the entire time (yes, nearly 19 years together). I don't know how he has put up with me all this time, but we are still together. The true loves of my life are my dogs. I've had 2 basset hounds that have passed away, and I currently have two dachshunds. I pet, kiss, and love them and I know that they understand how much they are loved. Even if I feel as if I have never been "fully present" with them, I know that I tried my best and loved them as much (really, way way more) than anyone else ever could.

I want to mention my symptoms. 2D perception, feeling as if everything is flat, problems with time perception, very disconnected from thoughts and feelings, cloudy-headed, bad memory (but somehow I got that PhD!), disconnected from my surroundings, not being able to understand other people's strong emotions, sometimes wonder if things are really happening to me, inability to fully comprehend very intense situations (e.g. death of loved ones). Although I always thought that marijuana had "started" my disorder (like many others here), I have come to the conclusion that pot opened up my mind (at age 17 and still to this day when I smoke (rarely)) and made me realize that I had always been disconnected from my environment as a child. Pot allowed me to "visit" a part of my brain that has strong emotions and thoughts, yet this realization really scared me and thus my DP set in. There is a strong "choice" in my brain for the silence of DP rather than strong emotions and thoughts which I find very loud and, I guess, unnecessary. I have tried dozens of medications, and only a few worked for me (adderall and klonopin). I currently take klonopin once a day (for 5 years now) and it really helps me to focus, feel less "shy" around people, and feel more connected to the life around me.

So, the bottom line is this. You may be struggling now if you just recently got DPD. Your disorder very likely may go away. Or, the symptoms might come and go. If you are like me, the symptoms never fully go away and you just move on as best you can and the symptoms lessen over time. In any case, remember that life is only temporary for everyone and do your best to be the best person you can be to yourself and to others.


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## hopefuluk2 (Aug 20, 2015)

Wow, very impressive! You say that the symptoms lessened over time. Have your symptoms really lessened? or have you got used to them? You mentioned that you are taking klonopin now. Could you have coped without medications?


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## seafoamocean (Sep 27, 2015)

Have you tried journaling about your past? I've had DP for 10+ years and it's my current coping strategy.


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## vertigodream (Oct 5, 2014)

I have had dp for 7 years now, since I was 15, and I feel like I got it from smoking weed. However before that and afterwards I was dealing with chronic back pain from a car accident, so it could have been from that too. I cant help but overanalyze it sometimes though and feel as if if I hadn't smoked weed and had that bad reaction to it, which my dp started a few days after, that I wouldn't have dp right now. I have also always been very detached and had ADD since I was a child. Do you ever feel connected again?


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## gmriefler (Nov 4, 2008)

@hopefuluk2

Hey! I believe the symptoms have lessened over time. For example, I was very reluctant and felt like shit going into grocery stores (I think it was the lighting, open spaces, wide selection of stuff to buy, etc) due to feeling so spaced out and confused. Now I go and the lighting doesn't bother me as much (or at all). However, some symptoms have never changed...like the flat, 2D perception of the world. Yes, there have been time when I didn't need medication to get through life. For instance, I didn't take any meds for 5 years during graduate school..it was only at the end of grad school that I sought meds probably because my life was changing and I was graduating, with an uncertain future. But Klonopin has been great for me.

@seafoamocean

No, I haven't tried journaling about my past. Does that mean just writing down significant things in from the past and trying to get a sense of how things may have been different for me now had things been different back then?

@vertigodream

Well, I know that I would have had SOME type of disorder had I not smoked pot. My father was an alcoholic and had OCD, my brother has Tourette's and OCD, and my mom has anxiety and I also think she has undiagnosed DPD but she is too afraid to confront it and I never asked her about her symptoms. So I believe that the pot exacerbated a mental problem that I would have eventually had to confront, but it probably made my symptoms much worse. Of course there is no going back in time, so Oh Well! I guess I'd say that I feel 75% connected to things, but my mind never went back to its "normal" state prior to the pot. Also, I had only smoked it around 4 times before the DPD started.


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## hopefuluk2 (Aug 20, 2015)

Thanks for your answers! Don't you think that your symptoms lessened because you are using klonopin? It is meant to be a good drug but unfortunately, it doesn't work for good. Would be interested to hear if your symptoms improved before taking the klonopin!


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

I do believe that we can entirely rid of symptoms, however when they come back it alters our perception enough that we think we've always had it and will always have it. Like depression, when you're in it your memories are selective to all the times you've been depressed, so it feels like you've always had it. Not saying this is what you are experiencing, but a thought I have about these sort of conditions.

I'd like to ask some questions about your life since having dp/dr:

1. What is your sleep like? Do you have issues with insomnia or sleep at weird times?

2. Do you habitually take in any stimulants? i.e coffee, nicotine

3. Do you habitually take any supplements to promote health?

4. Do you partake in any activities that promote bdnf expression, such as intense exercise?

Thank you!


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## something6789 (Oct 7, 2013)

The first symptom you mention is 2d vision. Probably because it's your worst...This is an actual thing called stereopsis or stereoblindness.

Try this test:

http://www.vision3d.com/frame.html

How did you do?

You have a PhD. You stare at computer screens all day I take it? Not good for your vision at all

Does putting on polarized glasses help out your symptoms?

Do you feel worse in big brightly lit stores?

The world looking flat can be strange and scary and the analytic part of your mind has probably taken the ball and ran with what "might" be going on here. So your anxious and maybe even anxious about being anxious and now your probably so frazzled and stressed every little change in your surroundings makes the hairs on your neck stand up.


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