# Depersonalization and Ayahuasca



## dedwards (Feb 18, 2013)

I've been depersonalized since I was 13 years old, when I smoked pot for the first time. It was an indescribably intense psychedelic mindfuck that left me with a feeling, deep in my gut, that I was somehow forever changed. Turns out to have been the case. I drifted away from myself and reality for a couple years, before my level of dissociation plateaued at about age 16. I'm 21 now, in college.

While I understand that looking for a quick fix for dp is unhelpful (because there isn't one), I was drawn to the idea of doing ayahusaca. After reading a fair amount about the substance, it seemed to me that it was somehow different from other psychedelics. It is viewed as a medicine, for its healing powers, and it seems to have the potential to strip away mental layers of bullshit and artifice-the ego, if you will-and get to a deeper, more spiritual experiential plane. My mother did it about a month ago, with a legit shaman who happens to live in the area, and found it a profound healing experience. She came to terms with childhood traumas and other emotional baggage, and she felt a connection with the divine that has stayed with her since; it was a very real healing experience.

Anyways, after researching ayahuasca, hearing my mother's experiences, and reading the accounts on this thread (http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/29792-ayahuasca-the-experience/ --the only place on the internet, incidentally, that has anything to say about the interaction between depersonalization and ayahuasca), I decided (against the advice of a psychiatrist, who said I should avoid psychedelics at all costs), to actually drink some ayahuasca with said shaman.

I did this yesterday. I showed up at his place and we got right to it. The ayahuasca is of high and consistent potency, as it's all brewed by experts on the island of Maui for consumption by members of the Santo Damie church (who take the medicine as their religious sacrement in periodic rituals). I had previously met with the shaman, described my depersonalization and what I was looking for-to feel connected with myself and the rest of the world, to experience real emotions, etc.-and he mentioned that he has treated many people with similar experiences, and that I would need a strong dose to break through the strong barriers my mind has erected.

So, I drank two ounces of the stuff, which, for most people, would be plenty to cross what he referred to as the "threshold", a level of intoxication past which total ego-death is achieved. Half an hour later, I felt tingly and a little high (kind of like coming up on MDMA), but I was still very much "me" (or atleast the removed sense of self that constitutes my daily depersonalized experience). "You must have a very high tolerance," he said, and gave me another ounce to drink again. I did this five times, by the end of the evening consuming three or four times more than a typical strong dose.

I felt very disoriented, my thoughts were jumbled, the passage of time was a little bizarre, and, as all the drinks compounded in my empty gut ( having fasted for the past 24 hours), I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of unease, a kind of primal discomfort or anxiety, not directed at anything in particular. I was feeling all of these things, but I was still in my ego, or at least viewing my ego from afar in the way that I have since I've been depersonalized.

We talked, me and the shaman, about my life, and all sorts of things. Sometimes it was hard to form thoughts and complete sentences, but altogether it wasn't too different from a normal therapeutic discussion. The shaman was completely amazed that I was still able to hold a conversation after drinking so goddamned much ayahuasca. At the end of the four-hour-long session, he told me that I had a profoundly atypical reaction. He said that in his two decades of administering ayahuasca (to hundreds and hundreds of individuals), I'm the first person he's ever seen drink that much and not be "totally floored".

I asked what he thought it meant, and he said that I have a massive amount of inner strength, which resists the medicine more strongly than he's ever seen. This "inner strength" is what has erected such strong depersonalized barriers to my moment-to-moment experience of existence. He said he'd like to have another session with me, and to give me even more, but I'm hesitant because the experience was so profoundly uncomfortable. He wasn't quite sure why I experienced that sense of unease, but he thinks it means something, and wants to discuss it with me further. I've done mushrooms before and it was the same thing, jumbled thoughts, directionless anxiety.

Anyways, in conclusion, ayahuasca did not cure my depersonalization, nor did it make it any worse. What it did do is reaffirm the fact that I have extremely atypical reactions to psychedelics (which, obviously, caused me to depersonalize in the first place), and that I have some profound strength, deep down. My depersonalization has estranged me from this core, and it's sufficiently strong that neither ayahuasca-nor probably any other substance-will be able to hack away at the barriers it has put up. Rather, I have to work, day by day, with self-compassion, acceptance, through physical activities and creative projects, to reunite "me" (the observer me) with the inner strength that lies within.

It sounds like ayahuasca was very helpful for a couple people on the thread I provided the link for, so I'm hesitant to draw any grand conclusions about the interaction of ayahuasca with the depersonalized mind. I am interested, however, to hear about all of your reactions to psychedelics in general. Are they as atypical (and generally as uncomfortable) as mine?

Much love. I wish you all the best in your journeys.


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## Brave (May 9, 2013)

Dedwards, sorry to hear your experience didnt help. Where are you from?

I am from Brazil and have DP for I don't know how many time.. I can't remember.

I also read the threads about ayahuasca on this forum and got interest on the subject. On las may 15, I went to a Santo Daime session in a city close to where I live (I live in Sao Paulo). I don't have time to tell much about my experience right now, but I will give you a brief.

I didnt like the ritual itself. To much noise of people singing songs about Jesus and Mary (I am not a catholic). I took 2 doses. about 30 minutes after I took the first, I thought I was going to die. Everything got dark and I felt like I couldn't breathe. After a that, I felt like I was born again and my mind was getting back to normal when they called us (there was about 50 people) to have the second dose. I didn't want to drink, because the first one was very very scary. I was afraid. But the guy convinced me and I took. And it was beautiful.

When I opened my eyes, it was everything pretty normal, but when I closed, I was in another dimension, deep inside of me. I saw many colors and shapes, very beautiful. And there was a feminine entity, I dont know if some kind of god, that was guiding me through the images and she said to me that she was not going to confront me with my fears that causes the DP on that day. That I should come back again to talk to her in another ritual. It sound crazy I know, but it was very realistic. I am not the believe in every bulshit kind of guy. I am very skeptical actualy.

Anyways, I intend to go to another ayahuasca ritual to talk to the entity (crazy, I know), but not Santo Daime anymore.

It didnt change my DP. I can tell you that It changed my life a little. Next day I was feeling very well, very positive.

I will start a thread after doing the ritual again.

take care.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Brave

I have done 7 ayahuasca ceremonies and they were life changing.... I had 1 insane scary hellish ceremony ... I have had a major breakthrough but not completely out of it. ... It was very interesting that she spoke to you and told you to come back and that she was not going to confront u with the darkness that is causing ur DP just yet  awesome ....I personally loved ayahuasca more then iboga it was beautifull and scary 

I want to do more when I can....


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I'm considering doing a mythic voyage in Peru, it gives you 7 ceremonies in 7 nights for a decent price plus there is like 10 ayahuascerros helping out in ceremonies and a small group


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