# Can you actually 'forget' your life?



## ocd_matt (Oct 1, 2013)

DP'd for just over a year (past experiences of it too) - hardiest feeling at the moment is 'memory'. I feel like I'm on the onset of Alzhiemers (I'm 25) - that my mind is just shutting down to the point where I will have nil memory, I will forget how to walk/talk/think.

Deep down I sort of guess DP is causing this, but how bad can it get? Has anyone ever lost their memory with DP. I have to constantly test my memory on things - words, objects just to prove myself.

I turn into an absolute sweat if I can't remember something.

Can anyone relate or advise on memory issues? I'm constantly questioning everything about the mind and memory. How are things stored, how are memories retrieved and it scares the absolute shit out of me!!


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## odisa (Sep 2, 2013)

Yes; I've forgotten most, if not my entire life. This is, among my head sensations and visuals, one of the things that is holding me back from recovering. Not remembering the people I love really makes it difficult. Fortunately; this is a case of state-dependent memory. Simply because one cannot retrieve memories at a certain time, does not mean they are lost. Once things start feeling normal again, it's likely most of your memories will return. I had a short bout of DP when I was younger, and when I got over it, I had a hard time remembering those DP times (hence I totally forgot about it and moved on). This goes both ways; now that I have DP again, I can remember things I wasn't able to before, similarly I can't remember much of what went on outside of DP'd state.
Focus on declarative memory for now; can you still study, or at least retain the general idea of a text? It's not uncommon for experiential memory to become diminished with DP, but declarative memory, albeit perhaps slightly worse, should still work alright (relative to experiential).

Memories are very closely linked with the sensory system; if your sensory perceptions are altered (e.g. DP), it will be harder to retrieve memories made when they were still intact.


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## ocd_matt (Oct 1, 2013)

It's weird it's like the memories are there just out of reach. They take longer to access. I'm guessing it's the sheer stress my mind is under.

Testing my memory isn't helping me either. What skills can I use to put this on the back burner and just not worry about this?


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## odisa (Sep 2, 2013)

Focus on creating new positive enriched memories; this will awaken a portion of your memory pathways and will make it easier to retrieve older memories over time.


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## marry1985 (Dec 1, 2013)

I have problems with my memories too. I can't connect to them, they don't seem to be mine and I m very confused. It's like I don't know who I am, my identity is splitted and foggy. I have only pieces of memories


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

I totally relate to you. Months ago, I started to remember things I want to remember from my past, to back them up in case I forgot everything. Like I started making myself memorize stuff I don't want to forget. With repetition they stick more.

Now, after 1.5 years in this, and I'm 24, I almost get insane and sweat a lot when I can't reach my memories, like there's a block, like they are not there anymore. I feel that I can sometimes reach them from the back door, if that makes sense; as if they are hidden somewhere and I can't reach them directly, only by relaxing and imagining or something like that. Even this is very incomplete.

I know one thing, if your memory becomes clear again and reachable, it means that you are no longer in dp dr. Once you can feel your memories back totally, you feel exactly like yourself. But I don't know if that will really happen anymore.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2014)

Fearless said:


> No, but I experienced similar, because my father started to act in ways that did not make any sense to me, and it made my whole idea about him, and therefore part of my childhood, and part of me, fall apart. That caused my DP.
> 
> When I found out that my father is an N psychopath, it all made sense, and I got my life memories back.
> 
> Also, N abuse in itself (gaslighting) makes normal people doubt their own memory. It is an intentional, planned mission from narcissists.


I think Ive been having the same kind of discoveries about my dad. But I have no idea how that would actually help me recover.


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## Nathanael.A. (Apr 16, 2013)

The brain, including the memory formation part called the hippocampus, has many abilities some would consider unnatural so it can survive in an ever changing. context. You might of herd of a condition called dissociative fugue, where when someone experiences so much trauma they completely forget who they are and there origin, you could say as an escapist plan for the brain trying to protect itself.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2014)

My memory of events has always been awful, but I just never realized it until I began actually trying to recall my past. I couldn't say much about highschool or my first year of college before or with DP/DR.

As far as I can tell the culprit is simply only being "half there" for most of my life, a sort of constant mild dissociation. I spent most of time in my own head day dreaming or just thinking to myself and blocking out what was going on around me. When you live like that it's hard to form clear memories. As for why I was like that, I think the main reason is simply to avoid the additional stress that being fully present would have caused, as I was under near constant high stress for many years,


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2014)

Fearless said:


> This why I write a blog, so you can get an idea about it. I'd start learning more about DP and narcissism.


Cool, thanks. I think one post you said something about "resolution is taking a foggy memory and turning it into a clear one"

I think I just had that moment.

When I was in the 10th grade I had severe anxiety, that really caused me to have one of the worst years in my life.

I realized that everyday of that school year, my dad brought dropped me off. Maybe that whole time the discomfort around my father caused me to go to school feeling f***ed up.

I wrote this on your blog, but it's like I'm trying to view my relationship with my dad as a child all over again, but now I understand the type of person my dad is.


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## ocd_matt (Oct 1, 2013)

God I feel awful this evening. Just feel so down about this feeling.

Read up loads about dissocative amnesia - probably scared myself witless.

Just feel like there's no way out of this, got so much in my life to look forward to just can't shift this feeling.

Constantly worried 24/7 about loosing my mind, struggling to understand the concept of thoughts. Existence is just a complete black hole.

Unbelievable how bad I feel.


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## gasspanicc (Mar 21, 2012)

no you can't forget how to do these things. what can become cluttered is what it "feels" like to be your "old self". which is what we all strive for right? or not neccessairly that, just to rid ourselves of the dp. our minds are not built to feel like this, theyre not prepared to think like this, so of course it is only natural for you to search for these answers, how to retrieve memories or how did i think before? it is a form of ocd, but you must give up the obsession of thinking about these things, and just let things be as they are, in a form of just acting, and letting things pass. THAT is what you must do, because trust me ive thought about things i'm not going to tell you with regards to the mind in trying to "find" my former self. and honestly wen u have ocd it just isn't possible. it's not just that you don't even have the memory capacity or thinking capacity to even consider solving these problems. what you can do though, is give up the obsession, and meditate a lot and OVER A LOT OF TIME, things will become a lot clearer and easier for you. you won't be like you were before. but you won't be obsessing, and you will be able to function and do the things you've always wanted to do. up to you though to put the effort in.


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## gasspanicc (Mar 21, 2012)

matt pm me.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2014)

Maybe people here are talking about dissociative amnesia? It's not that uncommon. My doc dx'd me with this a couple of years back. It made a lot of sense when she did. It actually helped me too, b/c I had an explanation for why my memory was so broken up..

http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/dissociative_disorders/hic_dissociative_amnesia.aspx


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

seafoam mellow said:


> I think Ive been having the same kind of discoveries about my dad. But I have no idea how that would actually help me recover.


Don't follow what you hear, you're in a phase where you're easily convinced, I know what you mean. Just because your dad wasn't a perfect dad it doesn't mean he's a narcissistic parent - do a clear comparison with other parents, does your dad really has a personality disorder?


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## Newky (Dec 11, 2013)

I think the answer is yes. It takes me an insane conscious effort to try and remember the past, and they're usually only particular memories that I happened to have remembered recently and stuck them in my mind so I wouldn't forget.

I can also vouch for 'state-dependent' memory. Once your brain is back functioning to its previous state, memories will naturally flow back.

When I was on the SSRI Zoloft, smoking cannabis would result in a tidal wave of literally countless childhood memories filled with emotional depth, I literally felt as if I was my child self again. I guess I can put this down to the levels of serotonin and dopamine in my brain being the same as when I was younger, putting me in this 'state-dependent' emotional memory space. I haven't seen nor heard of anyone else having such an experience with SSRI+cannabis which is somewhat annoying.


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2014)

My dad always makes himself a victim and everyone else an enemy


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

Newky said:


> I think the answer is yes. It takes me an insane conscious effort to try and remember the past, and they're usually only particular memories that I happened to have remembered recently and stuck them in my mind so I wouldn't forget.
> 
> I can also vouch for 'state-dependent' memory. Once your brain is back functioning to its previous state, memories will naturally flow back.
> 
> When I was on the SSRI Zoloft, smoking cannabis would result in a tidal wave of literally countless childhood memories filled with emotional depth, I literally felt as if I was my child self again. I guess I can put this down to the levels of serotonin and dopamine in my brain being the same as when I was younger, putting me in this 'state-dependent' emotional memory space. I haven't seen nor heard of anyone else having such an experience with SSRI+cannabis which is somewhat annoying.


Wow man, are you me? Lol. I do the exact same thing you mentioned in the first line, and I always notice the state dependent memory. This is why instead of trying to get the memories I try to get the state and the memories just come alone.

And I was thinking about starting very soon an SSRI. How did this work for you??


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

seafoam mellow said:


> My dad always makes himself a victim and everyone else an enemy


How old are you? I'm saying this from experience and I feel my Dad is similar to yours; when you grow up and become your own person, with values that your parents taught you and values that you learned from your experiences, you become stronger and more confident in who you are. You will start to differentiate when your dad is right from when he is wrong, and become able to stand up to him if he's wrong - you will naturally develop a stronger and more assertive vibe. Then, you will see your dad as just a weak man getting old, you will see that he taught you good things, and that he also did a lot of mistakes, but you will forgive him, because he is your dad and because you will feel you are doing something good, something in YOUR control.

These negative feelings you have, and that I am having right now, are coming from a lack of control over your life. Your dad will not be able to be a victim anymore around you when you become so assertive with your values, he will know you know better and you will see the normal and weak person he is, trying to play his role, and you will start to defend him and do what's right by your values, instead of feeling like a victim or anger towards him.

I told you in an earlier thread to just move on and focus on yourself, realize that the more personal the wound the more universal it is; people who succeeded around you hadn't the perfect life you think they had, all people have lived with similar conditions and have similar wounds to hat we have, no body is perfect, and no body has perfect parents. Keep moving forward and be a better version of yourself, and these problems will be more clear, because you'll view them from a place of control, not helplessness.


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## Guest (Jan 31, 2014)

Newky said:


> When I was on the SSRI Zoloft, smoking cannabis would result in a tidal wave of literally countless childhood memories filled with emotional depth, I literally felt as if I was my child self again.


Ever heard of flashbacks? Cuz that's what you just described..


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## ocd_matt (Oct 1, 2013)

Can you actually worry yourself into this state??

I do remember my life it just feels foreign - almost like someone else's.

I suffer from OCD as well - ruminating over this at the moment.


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## Guest (Jan 31, 2014)

ocd_matt said:


> Can you actually worry yourself into this state??


No.


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

Fearless said:


> If you have no idea what you are talking about, you should not try to "help" people. Lot of these guys have DP because they been through serious emotional abuse from a narcissistic parent. Now, telling someone with an N parent that "nobody has perfect parents", is like going to a 10 year old girl who got raped by his grandfather, and start to talk about the beauty of sex to her. "You would have lost your virginity sooner or later anyway, don't cry!"
> 
> Saying that a psychopath is not a perfect parent, is like saying horseshit is not the perfect food, but hey, you can't eat your favourite meals all the time. That's life.


I am "helping" people from my experience, not from reading a lot and trying to link their conditions to what I read. I feel like I was where he's at and I'm telling him what I did and it worked for me. I'm at least not not reciting what I'm reading and feeling that I know stuff just because I remember what the conditions are called. So I don't need you to tell me who to help and who not to help, or are you the one just allowed to help? I don't think so, just don't take my advice like I don't take yours.

And I wasn't telling him what you described, what you invented. I was saying that maybe his dad, like mine, isn't really a N parent and that he needs to judge his reality from a place of control not weakness to see it more clearly. And at the same time it's very easy to play the victim role and say my dad was a N parent he didn't let me live, well you're not a child anymore you can start controlling your life.

I was giving him an advice on how to face the situation with more control, by bettering himself instead of dwelling on what his dad is or what people at work are like.


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

Fearless said:


> You are great at intellectualizing out of defense.


Waw thanks, now beat it and stop calling people ignorant, go read some books then do a blog about them. I don't want to talk to you because you obviously even with all that reading don't know how to talk in a polite way, you ignorant brainwashed dude. Just because my ways of dealing with things is different doesn't mean it's wrong, I know exactly what I am talking about and don't need to read your blog to know what a N personality is.


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## Newky (Dec 11, 2013)

JJ123D said:


> Wow man, are you me? Lol. I do the exact same thing you mentioned in the first line, and I always notice the state dependent memory. This is why instead of trying to get the memories I try to get the state and the memories just come alone.
> 
> And I was thinking about starting very soon an SSRI. How did this work for you??


I wrote a long response to this but the site managed to swallow it up... On SSRIs, I'll try to summarise. It's really difficult to say seeing as it involved myself. Drugs are mental. Literally and figuratively. Our entire perception of existence and reality originates from our brains..and drugs change our brains, so, it's serious, serious shit when you're under the effects 24/7.

For me, the SSRI changed the way I felt, thought and behaved to a significant degree. I was a different person, someone else (not so good for DP right?). Occasionally I'll get zaps of memory of when I was on the drug and I just think wow, I was in such a different place... Especially when I think of how I felt about other people, such a different perspective. Yes I was more positive, but that's what it does, it gives you positivity, feeds it to you. It's not right. I was in lala land, I couldn't feel negative about anything. I didn't have the natural spectrum of emotional experience that normal people have, it was instead very narrow. I knew deep down it wasn't right but it was so, so much easier to just stay on it and keep living. There was no chance I'd address my underlying issues on the drug.

I will just say that objectively speaking, I was doing pretty well. I breezed through college work, succeeded very well in sports I'd never tried, and was able to regularly socialise without many problems. In-fact to be honest I was able to do some pretty cool stuff I'd never imagine myself doing socially...the confidence I had with women was cool as f- (although delusional at times!) But... being distant I wasn't able to develop totally normal, emotionally symbiotic/interdependent relationships. I still just wasn't functioning like a normal person.

Eventually I resorted to drugs/alcohol, which I had an INSANE (I genuinely mean insane) tolerance to both, but eventually overdosed on a drug. I came off the SSRI immediately after the overdose, no tapering whatsoever, I became more conscious of the drug and the way it was changing my brain and I didn't like it, at all. I couldn't bare to take it for another day.

Well I've written much more than I wanted to... I went on SSRIs because I gave myself two options, death or drugs. I should've worked on the first one, the difficult one, why I gave myself such a choice in the first place. The difficult choice is always the right one, the one that lasts. But it's called difficult for a reason, because it really, really is. Painful and difficult. I came across the term 'original pain work' recently. If you can choose between drugs and pain, choose pain. Most people don't. But it is the only way.

Just my opinion. I know it's a bit mental. I am.


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

Fearless said:


> That's another distortion, typical from people who feel defeated in a debate but scared of admitting it. I did not call you ignorant, I called you ignorant about the subject, which is obvious. But you know it.


Wow, and you thought I didn't know that? I just didn't like the word ignorant coming from an ignorant. That's it. I know this. Ok you defeated me, go defeat someone else.


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## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

Newky said:


> I wrote a long response to this but the site managed to swallow it up... On SSRIs, I'll try to summarise. It's really difficult to say seeing as it involved myself. Drugs are mental. Literally and figuratively. Our entire perception of existence and reality originates from our brains..and drugs change our brains, so, it's serious, serious shit when you're under the effects 24/7.
> 
> For me, the SSRI changed the way I felt, thought and behaved to a significant degree. I was a different person, someone else (not so good for DP right?). Occasionally I'll get zaps of memory of when I was on the drug and I just think wow, I was in such a different place... Especially when I think of how I felt about other people, such a different perspective. Yes I was more positive, but that's what it does, it gives you positivity, feeds it to you. It's not right. I was in lala land, I couldn't feel negative about anything. I didn't have the natural spectrum of emotional experience that normal people have, it was instead very narrow. I knew deep down it wasn't right but it was so, so much easier to just stay on it and keep living. There was no chance I'd address my underlying issues on the drug.
> 
> ...


No you're not mental don't say you are you'll just make that thought stick more. Thanks for your advice, I'll PM you later, I have a friend for who a combination of an anti phschosis and an SSRI made him feel more like himself. But I really related to your situation I wanted to hear your opinion about it. I've been very hesitant and I've been fighting this a lot but it feels like a dead end that's why I'm thinking about the meds. I will pm you later.


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

My memory is really bad, my wife takes pictures all the time, and she has like the last 8 years of our life scrolling as our screen saver and I see thing's I sometimes can't remember.. It is funny though every once in a while I'll wake up from a dream about something that happened a really long time ago, or something I totally forgot and in the dream it'll be really vivid and clear...


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