# Rage



## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

I am corrupted, filled with rage, hatred, and fear. Increasing feelings of suicide and homicide. I am losing my humanity. Becoming a demon that wants to kill. I think this stress is triggering Schizophrenia. I am 22, and so this is when it would manifest. I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here in this form of reality. The five sense reality. The mundane human experience. Is there anybody in there? Or are you all response to stimuli?


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2010)

You're not turning schizo. Were you abused as a kid?


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

I can't connect with people. I feel like an alien. My thoughts process differently. I recognize the patterns in behavior, and can predict and read peoples minds. I am on a different wavelength. I am trying so fucking hard right now to explain myself, but I can't, and no one understands. I am being driven to insanity, filled with so much rage towards THIS reality. Albeit, humans, this world, etc. I am turning into a freak, recluse, losing everyone, and growing a new desire to murder and kill myself in the end. I need a miracle to bring back my humanity. I am a demon.


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2010)

Mushishi said:


> I can't connect with people. I feel like an alien. My thoughts process differently. I recognize the patterns in behavior, and can predict and read peoples minds. I am on a different wavelength. I am trying so fucking hard right now to explain myself, but I can't, and no one understands. I am being driven to insanity, filled with so much rage towards THIS reality. Albeit, humans, this world, etc. I am turning into a freak, recluse, losing everyone, and growing a new desire to murder and kill myself in the end. I need a miracle to bring back my humanity. I am a demon.


I have parts that feel like this. Veronica and Victoria. They are exactly what you explain. I do not like it when they come out. I guess all I can say is connect with Self and try to do some internal communication. Constantly saying these things is bringing them into existence. Why don't you try forcing yourself to sit in front of the mirror 5X a day and say 25 positive affirmations about yourself.

For instance you have trouble with feeling confident. Then you say: "I feel confident for me." It always is in the present tense and ends with "for me".


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## Trixxys.not.here. (Sep 7, 2010)

listen, your not crazy and your not a demon. if you were a demon you wouldnt think you were. did you know that if someone thinks theyre crazy theyre not crazy, because a crazy person would not admit to being crazy.

I can realte to what you are saying though. 
although i do not have a desire to kill myself, even before i was expeiriencing dp/dr i was developing a hatred for humanity. I dont like humans, i dont like they way they think, or the way they act. I dont feel human. yet i act human. by existing. because even if you dont feel human, you are. and I am extremely a hypocrite when it come to that because i sit there and think to myself 'humans are pigs' but i do nothing to change myself. because i dont really know who myself is? if that makes sense.
just know that you are definitaly not alone, as there are billions of people in this world, (many of wich feel like theyre alone aswell) theres someone out there who can relate to how you feel. 
when you hate what you are its hard to accept it. and understand it.
of course i can not completely sympathize what you are going through, for, unless i were to walk in your shoes for a day i probably wont completely understand.


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

Well, that's a problem. All I am is communicating with Self, and introspective. Living inside myself, internal communication. I'm trapped inside myself. And I know that I'm part of the whole. I find it disturbing. Existing. Being. In the end you see yourself being loved by angels, or being ripped apart by demons. Depending on your perception. Mine is falling towards the negative experience. I manifest only broken things. I am broken. I have been into the metaphysical all my life, and know so many things now. I was one of the first to see Kymatica, and I understood everything whole hearted. Maybe I know too much. Maybe my brain is rejecting the beliefs I've fed it. I read that that was a 'cause for DP/DR.

I'm sick of this reality. Cruel cosmic prank. I did salvia once, and a being told me this is just a game, and not reality.

I think I left most of my sanity back in salviaspace.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Mushishi said:


> I am corrupted, filled with rage, hatred, and fear. Increasing feelings of suicide and homicide. I am losing my humanity. Becoming a demon that wants to kill.


I get like that. It 's "just" mood swings. It 's hell but it 'll get better again. Hang in there.


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## lindsayloo (Jun 23, 2010)

If you were about to have a sychotic break like with schizophrenia you would have no clue. you would not be tortured like this. believe me.hang in there.. you have to.. it wll ease up. try like hell to talk positive to yourself.. it does work.!!!! God Bless


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