# At a point were I just dont know anymore



## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I have gotten to the point were I really just do not know anymore. I feel like I am losing my insight into things. All I know is I feel crazy and schizophrenic. The doctors and therapist and my Grandma don't think I am crazy. I seem to be the only one who thinks I am crazy. I do get paranoid and delusional and do have minor hallucinations very rarely (usually with all this is from my fatigued mind) I have a superstitious fear of the dark, taking medication and even showering. I have been really run down lately that I don't know whats wrong with me, why I am this way etc.

I feel really confused and at a loss of insight. I think one day that I am not crazy, the next week I am convinced I am doomed to insanity for the rest of my life. I am very anti social and awkard. I don't have any friends really and my family is distant. Every day I put on an act that I am ok and fine because I am scared of whats really going on. I am losing my mind and don't even know whats what anymore, who I am or what is reality? Too many years of pot smoke, trauma and conspiracy research as well as religious spiritual stuff as well. Its hard because I am gullible and believe everything even my own thoughts etc. Things contradict eachother all the time so obviously not everything I believe is true which scares me.

Inside my head I am tortured with dp/dr and feeling crazy every moment. but to the outside world I look somewhat decent. I have a job, I am graduating my classes in college, I have a nice car, my own place, buy my own food, pay my own bills, pay and cover other people etc... So of course no one thinks I am crazy, they are not with me 24/7 like I am with me. I see my grandma once every 3 months or so if that and I always put on a fake smile and attitude/self (I have a loss of sense of self I don't know who I am anymore what I am etc) same with my doc and therapist. I try and tell them how insane I am and how im headed to permanent insanity but they don't believe me.

I hardly remember my past nor things 5 minutes ago. I am at such a loss of reality I don't know what is what anymore really I don't know. I just know I am suffering but from what I don't know, how I don't know etc. I feel like I loss insight of whats wrong. Heck I even wonder if all the things that are wrong with me I just make up or make it worst then it is?

There are moments when I am clear headed and realize its not that bad, then most times I feel delusional, scared, paranoid and insane.... I often don't remember anything so I easily forget my minor hallucinations and delusions and stuff, then when I think about them as time goes on I wonder if it was even legit or if I was just over reacting. I just don't know anything, literally ANYTHING anymore, that's all.

I look back at some of my stuff and think, damn, that was hell and then it scares me like this isn't me, this isn't really happening it cant be. I just get sooooo scared and embarrassed by my issues that I try and deny it shut it down and act like all is ok when its not. FAke it till you make it right?

Anyway my doc, grandma, and therapist don't think I am crazy. My doc says at worst I have a mood disorder with psychotic features but that even scares me. I often doubt everything even my own experiences and beliefs. EVERYTHING is on trial right now with me, even reality. Its a painful growing and or transformation process. I hate how I am the one who knows I am crazy and its terrorfying but everyone else thinks I am not... WHYY? And I am very stubborn. I think its more delusional then stubborn. Maybe I am over reacting to my symptoms, Maybe its not as bad as I make it. My delusions, hallucinations (just colors briefly, outlines or people glowing, the room spinning and tilting, people kind of shape shifting and stuff (all very mild and brief by the way and its not really happening I just kind of imagine it regarding people shapeshifting and face distortion etc everything else DOES HAPPEN like room starts tilting a little... colors that are not there, people glowing, weird light disturbances. Dots and shadows in the corner of my eye etc.) are all very mild and brief yet I think I make them up but I don't know, I think they really DO happen as well. I just give them more weight I think?

I know I should take medications but I CANT because of my superstisious delusional fear of meds. Its madness. I sometimes wont drink my water cup if I leave it sitting out cuz I wonder if someone spit in it or poisoned it or something. if some one offers me food or something at work I don't eat it most times because I don't know what they did too it hahaha. Or if it will cause me anxiety or what... I am just so scared of everything. I feel like I am holding on to sanity by a thread any moment I could just snap. This is paranoid delusions that I RECOGNIZE. I hate it because I am scared but am I just over reacting? Then I have a few memories of clarity were I can see how crazy I am and im like damn! No it cant be, I have to change, I know better etc etc I don't know anymore I really don't...

Part of me is like I am making all this up, and its like am I really paranoid? am I really delusional? Do I want to be this way? am I convincing myself I am crazy? etc etc ITS HELL

Part of me wants to just ignore all this, to act like its not happening to fake it until its over to shut it down forget it burry it destroy it etc. I really am in denial too. I don't want to believe this suffering. It scares me and haunts me. I don't even wanna talk about it most times. I just feel like I should shut up and not speak about it. Maybe then I will put enough distance between me and my insanity. In other words I don't want to associate myself with my insanity, my traumas, etc. I'd rather forgive them and have them disappear and leave me alone but they don't they are ALL integrated into me which makes it hard to live with. I just wanna get rid of this crap, I renounce my issues and ALL. I am REALLY ashamed and embarrassed of myself to the point I feel sick to my stomach.

BOTTOM LINE I really don't know anymore.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Ever wondered why we can't find anything wrong with us even though we are CERTAIN that something is? Ever wondered why we go to multiple doctors, psychs and loved ones for an answer but they all come back with what we don't want to hear? That we are normal! Ever wondered why we scour these absolutely absurd, obscure and far out corners of the Internet trying to find answers to our ambiguous symptoms? Hell, sometimes we even go as far to say that we are high on LSD, that's why we feel this way, MUST BE!

There are no answers because there are no problems, at least the ones we think there are. We could spend our ENTIRE LIVES trying to explain how we feel, to no avail.

I dunno man, I'm no professional, just my two cents.


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## gasspanicc (Mar 21, 2012)

stop fuckin questioning, thats the problem, the more u do that, the more u will get urself into a spiral of endless shit. ive been there, still get into it sometimes, but recohgnize wen im being a dummy and move on. u can to, practice self awareness, and watch ur thoughts and find out wen ur being a dumbo! its very easy, yes its hard but learn to let things pass and not judge. these thoughts are just unusal, they are nothing different from an ordinary thought, they are just a different coading against intution. they are not here to harm us, just brain chemistry going KOO KOO. ur fine!


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

yosemitedome said:


> Ever wondered why we can't find anything wrong with us even though we are CERTAIN that something is? Ever wondered why we go to multiple doctors, psychs and loved ones for an answer but they all come back with what we don't want to hear? That we are normal! Ever wondered why we scour these absolutely absurd, obscure and far out corners of the Internet trying to find answers to our ambiguous symptoms? Hell, sometimes we even go as far to say that we are high on LSD, that's why we feel this way, MUST BE!
> 
> There are no answers because there are no problems, at least the ones we think there are. We could spend our ENTIRE LIVES trying to explain how we feel, to no avail.
> 
> I dunno man, I'm no professional, just my two cents.


Indeed man, I just reread all I typed up and it doesn't seem that bad hahaha, When I typed it out I was horrified feeling like I was insane but words typed out don't carry the weight of feelings and emotions behind them. Words cant describe how twisted I feel and am etc


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

gasspanicc said:


> just brain chemistry going KOO KOO. ur fine!


Do you think medications will help correct this brain chemistry? do you take meds? just curious lol


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## gasspanicc (Mar 21, 2012)

i use to, im a special case tho lol. i use meditation to cope, meds did help me, but ive realized its more of a mindstate then anything. medication does clear ur head and slow down the irratic thoughts so i would def recommend it. but ur biggest asset is meditation, lettng things go, not analyzing, not getting frustrated, noticing how ur thoughts come and go. right now try let ur mind do wat it wants, and just note it going from thought to thought. and see if that brings u a sense of relief.


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2013)

yosemitedome said:


> Ever wondered why we can't find anything wrong with us even though we are CERTAIN that something is? Ever wondered why we go to multiple doctors, psychs and loved ones for an answer but they all come back with what we don't want to hear? That we are normal! Ever wondered why we scour these absolutely absurd, obscure and far out corners of the Internet trying to find answers to our ambiguous symptoms? Hell, sometimes we even go as far to say that we are high on LSD, that's why we feel this way, MUST BE!
> 
> There are no answers because there are no problems, at least the ones we think there are. We could spend our ENTIRE LIVES trying to explain how we feel, to no avail.
> 
> I dunno man, I'm no professional, just my two cents.


I'm glad you're not a professional cuz you're a TOTAL DICKHEAD to say things like, 'we are normal', or 'b/c there are no problems'&#8230;. OMG.! Do you honestly believe all the people on this site are just deluding themselves??? And we are all 'normal'?? And ok?? And therefore we don't need help?? Come on mate...

Have you ever considered the fact that doctors don't know enough about what we've got, and they can't diagnose us b/c they don't have the expertise or the knowledge?? You know what? Maybe the 'doctors' aren't so fuckin' smart after all! Maybe if they knew a bit more about dissociative disorders they wouldn't do the knee jerk reaction and start handing out prescriptions which rarely work! Maybe if they knew a bit more they could explain to us that dissociation is a natural and organic way for us to be given the circumstances we've grown up in&#8230;.. That information alone will take away a LOT of ANXIETY.. but who ever says that?? Rarely a doctor I tell ya&#8230;.


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## Qbug223 (Dec 1, 2013)

It's all about mindset. As easy at that sounds, it's impossible, especially if you have OCD combined with anxiety like me. I latch onto the idea of unreality and just run with it.

As someone on here told me, live normal, be normal. eventually it will stop. I suffered from DP/DR for two years. It was a nightmare. Now it's back, because of my PPD, but I am confident that it will stop eventually. You just need to get out and do, do, do! Go for a run, go rollerskating, get out in nature, talk to your family, make some new friends! Get out of your comfort zone, as hard as that is to do. Do something new every day. Eventually, your mind will move on. Time heals things, and give yourself time. Forgive yourself when you have those thoughts of someone doing stuff to your drink/food (I used to think the same way, then started saying "fuck it" and drinking or eating it anyway, and eventually I got better) and it will get better. Just give yourself time. Like you said, you have some good days. Revel in them! Someday, there will be more good than bad.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Philo said:


> I'm glad you're not a professional cuz you're a TOTAL DICKHEAD to say things like, 'we are normal', or 'b/c there are no problems'&#8230;. OMG.! Do you honestly believe all the people on this site are just deluding themselves??? And we are all 'normal'?? And ok?? And therefore we don't need help?? Come on mate...
> 
> Have you ever considered the fact that doctors don't know enough about what we've got, and they can't diagnose us b/c they don't have the expertise or the knowledge?? You know what? Maybe the 'doctors' aren't so fuckin' smart after all! Maybe if they knew a bit more about dissociative disorders they wouldn't do the knee jerk reaction and start handing out prescriptions which rarely work! Maybe if they knew a bit more they could explain to us that dissociation is a natural and organic way for us to be given the circumstances we've grown up in&#8230;.. That information alone will take away a LOT of ANXIETY.. but who ever says that?? Rarely a doctor I tell ya&#8230;.


Not 'normal' per se, just trying to point out we aren't psychotic, or going insane is all. I wasn't trying to downgrade anyone's suffering or anything, and I know full well the torture of dissociation, though I can't begin to understand what you had to endure as a child from what I've read, and hats off to you for still being here.

Apologies for the offense caused, abd I totally agree with doctors just handing out pills as a bandaid, which does cause anxiety. Hell, someone got diagnosed with psychotic depression on here just recently. All adds to the tension and worry.

Totally wasnt trying to downplay the suffering caused by DP, just trying to bring some peace to a homie who's living in fear at the mo.

Appologies.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

If ur family doesn't think ur crazy chances are ur not...u sound like u have rlly bad anxiety and OCD


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

yosemitedome said:


> Ever wondered why we can't find anything wrong with us even though we are CERTAIN that something is?


Because there's nothing wrong with us. Dissociation is a defense mechanism. Anxiety isn't an illness, it's just us being afraid of everything.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Yeah and depersonalization makes us blow everything out of proportion, feeling like we are utterly insane etc. I realize that my life has been too overwhelming for me and I have detached myself because I couldn't deal with all of it. So instead of actually going crazy my subconscious mind disconnected me from everything including myself. Now as time goes on I forget a lot of stuff and wonder why I am the way I am... It took me years to get in this deep of a mess and I am at peace with the fact that it will take me years to get out... Crazy or not crazy I continue to live my life. THAT is what matters.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

If you had childhood issues then why arent you watching harris Harringtons program right now?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Well this is going to sound KOO KOO like coco puffs but I honestly don't know much of my past. Like I do but I don't associate with it, ya know? Its like it was me but wasn't me. Like this post says, I really don't know.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

The psychologist laughed at me when I told her I really don't know what or how I feel. Its like I don't know how to feel or what? Maybe its just tooo damn much dissociation lol. Who knows


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## Guest (Dec 3, 2013)

Doberg said:


> The psychologist laughed at me when I told her I really don't know what or how I feel. Its like I don't know how to feel or what? Maybe its just tooo damn much dissociation lol. Who knows


How incredibly rude and demeaning for your psychologist to laugh at you for being honest. I think you deserve an apology. Does she actually know anything about dissociation beyond the couple of paragraphs in her text book? It doesn't appear so&#8230;.

When I first started seeing a counsellor it became apparent I wasn't in touch with my feelings either, and I couldn't talk about my feelings. She figured out a way around it and started to ask what I thought about certain things as opposed to how I feel about certain things. Over time when I became more in touch with feelings I could talk about them.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Philo said:


> How incredibly rude and demeaning for your psychologist to laugh at you for being honest. I think you deserve an apology. Does she actually know anything about dissociation beyond the couple of paragraphs in her text book? It doesn't appear so&#8230;.
> 
> When I first started seeing a counsellor it became apparent I wasn't in touch with my feelings either, and I couldn't talk about my feelings. She figured out a way around it and started to ask what I thought about certain things as opposed to how I feel about certain things. Over time when I became more in touch with feelings I could talk about them.


Hey philo,

Hope my appology finds you well


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## Guest (Dec 3, 2013)

I think I'm the one who should be apologising.. You're a good person, and there was no need for me to say those things. It was totally uncalled for. I'm really sorry and I hope I didn't hurt your feelings too much. You're not any of those things I said.

Please accept my apologies.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Doberg said:


> Well this is going to sound KOO KOO like coco puffs but I honestly don't know much of my past. Like I do but I don't associate with it, ya know? Its like it was me but wasn't me. Like this post says, I really don't know.


What kind of response is that? If you want to be proactive about recovery then you need to explore every avenue available.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Doberg said:


> I have gotten to the point were I really just do not know anymore. I feel like I am losing my insight into things. All I know is I feel crazy and schizophrenic. The doctors and therapist and my Grandma don't think I am crazy. I seem to be the only one who thinks I am crazy. I do get paranoid and delusional and do have minor hallucinations very rarely (usually with all this is from my fatigued mind) I have a superstitious fear of the dark, taking medication and even showering. I have been really run down lately that I don't know whats wrong with me, why I am this way etc.
> 
> I feel really confused and at a loss of insight. I think one day that I am not crazy, the next week I am convinced I am doomed to insanity for the rest of my life. I am very anti social and awkard. I don't have any friends really and my family is distant. Every day I put on an act that I am ok and fine because I am scared of whats really going on. I am losing my mind and don't even know whats what anymore, who I am or what is reality? Too many years of pot smoke, trauma and conspiracy research as well as religious spiritual stuff as well. Its hard because I am gullible and believe everything even my own thoughts etc. Things contradict eachother all the time so obviously not everything I believe is true which scares me.
> 
> ...


P.S I get crazy thoughts too. I think it's a case of you fear schizophrenia so much that you begin saying to yourself 'I'm not schizophrenic, I'm not paranoid and delusional, I don't think xyz. Oh wait, MAYBE I DO!' then it becomes an obsessive thought.

Even happened to me today. There was an eccentric kinda dude who collects our bins from work. He hung around for ages after i locked up in his car doing some calculations on his computer and phone, and left at the same time I left. I said jokingly in my head 'funny if he was like geo locating my phone and he's some wierd creeper'. I get home and pull into my driveway and BOOM he's parked outside my house hahaha.

Funny coincidence.


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## supersour (Oct 30, 2013)

I was wondering, when our situations resemble each other quite alot, that do you feel like you are losing your understanding sometimes and you are more stupid every day? For example when im on internet, say on youtube... When I want to leave the site and go for example to facebook, I might load youtube again and again and dont even think about it or realize it, and then I suddenly remember what I wanted to do.. This ofcourse is with everything I do, might put stuff in microwave but dont remember to put it on, might want to change the channel but then put on something that I dont really want to watch and then just stare at the tv without understanding anything.. Also if Im doing something, and I suddenly get an idea or remember that I have to check something I might stop the thing I was doing before, and start doing something else, like im somehow really impatient.. Im also scared cos Im making facial expressions that might be related to my thoughts, and this happens when Im alone.. Like sometimes I take notice that: "fuck I have just smiled for 5 mins by myself and might not even remember why.. " This ofcourse is normal to some point, that you smile when you have happy or funny thoughts, but recently it has happened a lot more than usually, and in places where its not wanted (like in grocery store, when going for a walk etc..) and I might suddenly be aware that people are watching me like a psycho when I have smiled/frowned on my own for a long time without realizing im doing it..

I cant remember if I have asked this before or have you told something about this, but are you more sensitive than before? Like do you cry more easily, laugh more easily, become angry more easily, get anxiety from littlest things..

And do you feel like you dont cope as well with disappointments/frustrations/stress than before?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Yes I do relate. I will even put the wrong words in a sentence. For example, when I meant to say "on" I will type "one" or when I meant to type "mad" I will type "made" I do this a lot. I will also forget a lot of things even if it was done seconds ago. So yes, I think we can relate hahaha


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## supersour (Oct 30, 2013)

I do that too  and sometimes when speaking to someone also.. I just realized that if im telling something to someone and I cant remember what is the word I wanted to say, I might say some silly word instead, that doesent make any sense.. I do realize that its not the word I wanted to say, but they clearly are neologisms (that schitzophrenics create a lot... )

This waiting is killing me, when I have all the symptoms but im not yet fully hearing voices, seeing things or believing that aliens are controlling me.. I hope there is another illness that can explain this all, or if it is schitzo that it wouldnt go any more bad than it already is..


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

How old are you??


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## supersour (Oct 30, 2013)

Im 22 and female. With women schitzo usually starts a bit more later than with men. Im so young so im afraid it will be the dirsorganized type if it comes.. Paranoid schitzo should start later, though there are always exceptions


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm 22 too lol, we should Skype sometime if you have Skype? ... Yeah, that is usually the case. Schizophrenia will develop later for women (25+) then it does for men (18+)... I worry about it too but the good news is there are medications that do help for schizophrenia. I'm scared of medications but if I ever started hearing voices or seeing things I am pretty sure I would take meds lol.

I don't know your history but I think 80% of people who develop schizophrenia will have had minor to mild positive symptoms in there teen years. You are now 22 and haven't developed it yet. Now lets say I do develop it or you do develop it. We have INSIGHT and we have been kind of preparing for it. SO the outcome will be MUCH MUCH greater. I don't know if you do drugs or drink or anything but it would be wise to put that behind you if you do. It only makes DP worst lol (Im sober, have been for 2 years)


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Doberg said:


> I'm 22 too lol, we should Skype sometime if you have Skype? ... Yeah, that is usually the case. Schizophrenia will develop later for women (25+) then it does for men (18+)... I worry about it too but the good news is there are medications that do help for schizophrenia. I'm scared of medications but if I ever started hearing voices or seeing things I am pretty sure I would take meds lol.
> 
> I don't know your history but I think 80% of people who develop schizophrenia will have had minor to mild positive symptoms in there teen years. You are now 22 and haven't developed it yet. Now lets say I do develop it or you do develop it. We have INSIGHT and we have been kind of preparing for it. SO the outcome will be MUCH MUCH greater. I don't know if you do drugs or drink or anything but it would be wise to put that behind you if you do. It only makes DP worst lol (Im sober, have been for 2 years)


Your dp drug related?


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## supersour (Oct 30, 2013)

I dont have skype :/ THe thing about disorganized schitzo is that it is the most dangerous of the schitzos, and in lots of cases disorganized schitzo is the one where you loose your understanding for good, often have to live in institutions your whole life, and the drugs work very little or not at all, when it is the one where the negative symptoms are so bad and there are just few or not at all positive symptoms.. I

t develops so fast that in few months patients might be not responsing, not talking etc :/ And when I am so young and my negative symptoms are so bad, Im scared that that I will indeed develop to the disorganized type..

Im not doing drugs and the last time I was drunk was on june 22nd 

Y-day&today my dp/dr has probably been the worst of all times.. I went to bed last night, took my sleeping pills, couldnt sleep. Just got so much really strange and delusional racing thoughts and it was really hard to break away from them, and actually I couldnt. It was as if I wasnt in this world at all..felt also really restless.. Then I took 1/4 from of lorazepam pill, didnt help, took another, didnt help, then I took the half what was left and I still was up for some time before I got any sleep. I had to wake my bf in the middle of the night and tell him that he would need to check in the morning that am I still normal.. or as normal as can be  Strange when I always have been able to go to sleep with those meds (seroquel 50 mg) and now they didnt do anything..

Today I have been sooooooooo apathetic and felt really weird restlessness again, I think any day now the psychosis will strike.. Would need to call to my psychiatrist tomorrow but I always sleep when she has her phone hour..

Lol I went to buy some cigarettes on a kiosk near by and when I was leaving I was just standing in front of the door waiting it to open automatically, when it was a door that you open yourself (and I should have known cos I go there quite often..)

Was a bit embarrased when the salesman stared me like "what the fuck are you doing???" .........All the wires are clearly not connected right in my brain........


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Mine is a mix of Drug (marijuana for years) trauma and anxiety induced dp/dr so its triple threat lol


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I thought catatonic schiz was the worst?


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## supersour (Oct 30, 2013)

Well that too but catatonic schizo is rare novadays, people who have it usually live in third world countries... Im not sure how that starts though, havent given any thoughts to catatonic schitzo, and I dont consider it as a threat as much as hebephrenia..


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Doberg said:


> Mine is a mix of Drug (marijuana for years) trauma and anxiety induced dp/dr so its triple threat lol


True true.

Was it sudden dp after a bad weed trip?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

No, I think it was gradual, I feel like I've always had it. I'm not sure though. To be honest I really don't remember


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Doberg said:


> No, I think it was gradual, I feel like I've always had it. I'm not sure though. To be honest I really don't remember


Ever had moments of complete clarity since it started?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I have and it makes me realize that dp can be cleared up in an instant some times... but I just watched a video and it freaked me out bro. I think I do have hallucinations on the real. I will share the video in another thread


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

visitor10 said:


> supersour you say
> 
> "Well that too but catatonic schizo is rare novadays, people who have it usually live in third world countries... Im not sure how that starts though, havent given any thoughts to catatonic schitzo, and I dont consider it as a threat as much as hebephrenia.."
> 
> ...


I interested to know more. What problems presented prior to his diagnosis?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Visitor10-

I first want apologize if I or anyone has offended you regarding our concern of developing and or having Schizophrenia. I am glad to know that you have the confidence and understanding to know that you yourself do not have schizophrenia. With this being said I would like to share with you WHY this is a real concern for me PERSONALLY.

As you know, Schizophrenia strikes around ages 18-25 for males. I am a 22 year old male which is prime time to develop the illness; I am sure from what you have said that most times people have the symptoms PRIOR to being diagnosed. I DO have some of the symptoms. The only symptom I do NOT have is voices and structured hallucinations. I DO however have hallucinations but they are nonsensical. Usually things will look animated and colors will be very vibrant. People will glow and things will look very cartoonish. Sometimes I get tunnel vision and or the room will start spinning. People will look different and kind of morphed or distorted. I will get visual snow and or black sparkles. This happens rarely and I never fully lose touch with reality when it does.

I usually have to go for a drive or start walking around until its over with. I sometimes think I will hear whisper/mumbling but this can be explained away as I am use to having my headphones around my neck so my brain recreates the sound occasionally (make sense) I too have Dp and its constant I also have Dr which is constant. I have insight but not really, I just know things are off, sometimes way off. I often fear it is more then just dp/dr.

The facts are, people on this forum are supportive and will NOT tell you if you are crazy. They usually beat around the bush to give you comfort which is good because it kills the anxiety. I have horrible concentration and I always look lethargic and stoned out of my mind, literally. The problem is, I am 100% sober and have been for 2 years. I squint all the time as my brain is sooo messed up, I often touch my face constantly to ground myself and I lose my sense of surroundings and get soooo detached.

There is more to it but this is just some of the reasons why I fear I have schizophrenia. It is not like I wake up and say "hey, today I want schizophrenia! yay me!" Hell no! The stigma with the disease destroys lives. The people around you will not believe what you say, always asking if your taking your meds. Asking if your okay. Do I want this? No! Do I think its cool? No! So why do I talk about it? why do I think its a real possibility I have the early stages? Because of the symptoms I have, because of how screwed my mind is 24/7 because how I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. Because how I am isolating myself but I don't know why I just cant socialize. Because I am paranoid to take meds and eat food and drink things. Because I think people talk about me and have some kind of agenda against me (this is getting less of an issue) Because I am always moments away from going to the hospital because im soooo off...

THAT is why I am concerned.


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## KevinSmith14 (Nov 16, 2013)

It almost seems as though you WANT to be psychotic. There is nothing here that would state that you are as... as much as you may hate to realize it, you appear to have insight.

You are aware that something is wrong, you talk about how you "think" you have delusions. What you are saying does not even slightly resemble schizophrenia..

Schizophrenic's are not wandering around thinking that something is terribly wrong with them, they are not questioning or getting frightened by their delusions or hallucinations. They are 101% confident that they are normal functioning people, but feel that they have a "gift" that nobody else does. They will proudly tell you how they KNOW that the CIA is following them, or how they KNOW that their hallucination creates a stimulating conversation. The thing about a psychosis is that you have no idea that anything is wrong. This is what makes schizophrenia, schizophrenia.

You, sir, would not be posting on here about your problems if you truly were psychotic.


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## KevinSmith14 (Nov 16, 2013)

Doberg said:


> Visitor10-
> 
> I first want apologize if I or anyone has offended you regarding our concern of developing and or having Schizophrenia. *- It's just frustrating that you are looking up symptoms that you don't understand and attempting to diagnosis yourself with them. Plus, those of us who don't think we have schizophrenia are more likely to have it than someone who thinks that they do.*
> 
> ...


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Thanks for taking the time and effort to respond  ... Just out of curiosity, how do you know these things?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I do agree that it is easier to assume 1 dx w/ multiple symptoms vs multiple dx... I think it boils down to the basics... Depression, Anxiety and DPDR that would explain my issues apart from the weird visual hallucination stuff I get occasionally.


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## Guest (Dec 11, 2013)

Doberg&#8230;&#8230;. webmd.com/symptom checker&#8230; your worst enemy!

A while ago I goggled webmd.com and typed in my symptoms... Apparently I had a swollen uterus&#8230; Hmmm?? That's really fuckin' interesting considering I'm a MALE!

Yeah,!


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Yeah, I don't think I ever used that hahaha


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## KevinSmith14 (Nov 16, 2013)

Doberg said:


> Thanks for taking the time and effort to respond  ... Just out of curiosity, how do you know these things?


I'm a 4th year Biopsychology student. We go over this stuff quite a bit, hahaha.


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## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

Doberg said:


> I do agree that it is easier to assume 1 dx w/ multiple symptoms vs multiple dx... I think it boils down to the basics... Depression, Anxiety and DPDR that would explain my issues apart from the weird visual hallucination stuff I get occasionally.


Those don't explain anything, they are labels for your symptoms (even if they are the correct labels.)

It feels like you've trapped yourself in a shell of these sorts of things- do I have this or that? Males get it around this certain age range, I'm in this age range, so...

Take a step back from all that, and look at your entire life. Share with us something about your actual life- what you do, do you like what you do, what are your goals and dreams, your relationships, what you feel about your relationships (or lack of), what happens when you are in the world out there, not only things that are solely happening inside your own head (telling us what your mother thinks about what is going on inside your head doesn't count as sharing your relationships!)

You are much much more than the DSM (or your symptoms), you are a life.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

KevinSmith14 said:


> I'm a 4th year Biopsychology student. We go over this stuff quite a bit, hahaha.


BioPsychology is the study of the biology behind mental illness right? So they only teach the biochemistry behind the illness


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

themaxx10 said:


> Those don't explain anything, they are labels for your symptoms (even if they are the correct labels.)
> 
> It feels like you've trapped yourself in a shell of these sorts of things- do I have this or that? Males get it around this certain age range, I'm in this age range, so...
> 
> ...


Your right.... I am college student at a local Community college as well as a resident assistant at a local "nut house" hahaha... I dont have much friends just 3 that are very different from each other. I am the head of household at my own place (1 roommate) and yeah... I dont have a social or fun life... everyday is a battle with symptoms


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## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

How long have you had DR/DR? What was your life like before every day became a battle with symptoms?

Even if you don't have a 'fun' or 'social' life, what do you like to do? What do you do with your friends? If you didn't have DP/DR, what would you be doing?

Did you have a happy childhood? Bad childhood?

You mentioned you don't know what you feel, or how you feel. Maybe start with some of the stuff in your original post-



> paranoid and delusional and do have minor hallucinations very rarely (usually with all this is from my fatigued mind) I have a superstitious fear of the dark, taking medication and even showering.


Those seem like feelings to me. What are you paranoid or delusional about? How long have you had those fears? What do your fears feel like? Is there anything that gives you positive feelings?

I ask all these questions because it's hard to find out anything about you, and not your symptoms. So I feel it's hard to then give any advice. I understand that you say that every day is a battle with symptoms, but there's still a 'you' that's there, regardless of the DP/DR.

If I had to guess, based on what you say about the 'normal self' you insist on projecting to the world, you are perhaps screaming in pain inside, yet simultaneously scared or too ashamed to do so and let it be seen, and your DP/DR is the result of that painful conflict. But that's just my guess, maybe you just need good meds or something, I really don't know. But if you were truly a happy, self-fulfilled human being before DP/DR, I feel you wouldn't have turned it into this secret, personal downward spiral inside yourself. Even if you tried, someone would see or recognize. But as you say, your relationship with your parents is very distant.


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## KevinSmith14 (Nov 16, 2013)

Doberg said:


> BioPsychology is the study of the biology behind mental illness right? So they only teach the biochemistry behind the illness


You have to take the main Psychology stream until you are able to specialize your major. Yes, you learn a lot about the biochemistry of the brain (receptor sites, neurotransmitters, etc), but structure and function of the different brain regions are equally important. Also, you learn about different cognitive, environmental, and sociological factors that are involved with behaviour and cognition.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

KevinSmith14 said:


> You have to take the main Psychology stream until you are able to specialize your major. Yes, you learn a lot about the biochemistry of the brain (receptor sites, neurotransmitters, etc), but structure and function of the different brain regions are equally important. Also, you learn about different cognitive, environmental, and sociological factors that are involved with behaviour and cognition.


Ok cool, so they teach you the whole 9 yards... How long have you been learning these things?


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

Doberg said:


> themaxx10 said:
> 
> 
> > How long have you had DR/DR? ****Probably since I started smoking marijuana (13-14yrs old) But it wasn't until shortly after 3/29/2012 that it became unmanageable*****
> ...


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## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks for sharing the thoughtful reply Doberg. I will take some time to read it over carefully before I reply.


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

themaxx10 said:


> Thanks for sharing the thoughtful reply Doberg. I will take some time to read it over carefully before I reply.


Sorry for the long reply, and yes, thanks for reading it. To sum it up I will just say: I love to make my own music as a hobby, its what i do in my spare time, I also research and study spiritual things. Those are my two hobbies besides watching hockey and playing video games. I also browse the web a lot and drive around in the middle of the night. I sleep all day and am up all night. I dont know why thats just how it is. I have really only 3 friends. 1 I go to his house we talk religion, sports and play video games, the other is my roommate, we just talk ocassionally. The third is her boyfriend. He works on my car and occasionally we shoot guns.

Finally, my dpdr has been active the past 4 years. It is protecting me as I have had been reconstructing my mind from the bottom up twice. 1x when I was coming out of my low life and into christanity. I had to literally recreate my entire self. Thats when dpdr kicked in as a band aid while i was in transformation. 2x was when my mom died I ended up crumbling and now am 15 months into my second reconstruction of my mind. This time dpdr is 10x worst because i am on my own being an adult with school and work i was never shown nor prepared for this. Also, I have collapsed mentally with my christian world view and sense of self and am recreating it on a different foundation... all this at once, plus multiple other things is the source for my dpdr.


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## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

If you are screaming in pain inside, then all these reconstructions and DPR both are only serving as bandaids that don't really solve anything. The pain is like a river that needs to be freed/addressed, but you are sticking fingers in a damn with these bandaids. Eventually the river builds up too much, the damn (or reconstruction) cannot hold it in any longer, and it falls apart. Then you feel DP/DR because your mind perceives these feelings as threatening and/or too painful. Do you really think another 'reconstruction' will lead to a happy, fulfilling life for you?

You don't need to reconstruct yourself, you are already you. THAT you, that is the you that is being suppressed which is what leads to DPR. I don't think you're reconstructing yourself, as you are reconstructing something on TOP OF yourself.

You went through a lot of difficult events earlier in your life- physical, emotional, sexual abuse (you have all 3 so even harder!), and that is obviously extremely difficult to bear. Probably you didn't understand how and why these things happen, so you were not able to resolve them internally and move on. It's really, really difficult and not at all your fault, but now it's up to you to address them. But address them for real, not by turning outwards towards religion, crime, whatever.

That's what I see, based on what you wrote. Have you ever been in therapy? I think you have a lot of things that probably would be good for you to talk out, to an experienced/good therapist.

Does any of the following feel like it applies to you? (for 'parent', you can also substitute for other people in your life who have mistreated you):



> You were forced, manipulated, ordered to act in certain ways which did not make sense to you. It's not like when a father wants you to go to the shop to get him beer while he is just watching TV, because that is something you UNDERSTAND. You know he is a selfish fucker, you are a slave, and you wait for the day to get out of there ----> situation is RESOLVED internally. I'm talking about situations when you just do not understand what the fuck your parent does and his or her motivations. Disorganized attachment also means that you just can not make sense of the parent's behaviour, you don't know how to react to it, so you end up being confused about yourself too. BUT this is not your fault. This has NOTHING to do with your personality. You just carry a huge amount of emotions that just doesn't make any sense.
> 
> 3.) That creates huge enough stress in you to dissociate, because your mind just can not carry that much stress for long periods of time. Your brain is created to work (stress), and then rest (enjoy life). There need to be a balance. But since I could not decide on who I am, bad, good, victim, persecutor, the betrayed, the betrayer, the hero, the coward, I had CONSTANT STRESS, with NO SOLUTION. I needed to dissociate or I guess my head would have exploded.
> 
> ...


http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/blog/167/entry-536-pm-reply-i-wrote-about-dp/


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## Doberg (Sep 12, 2013)

I agree with a portion of what you said


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