# DP after delivery- Coucouc's story (long)



## Guest (Aug 16, 2004)

Hi,

I am 29, from Canada, and my DP began after my delivery (cesarian). I had a normal pregnancy, but at the end of the pregnancy, I began to feel afraid of meds, because I had to take one at the delivery (vancomycin), and it was a strong one. I searched on the net and found many side effects bad for the baby, and I panicked. Also, I had massive fear of pain and epidural,I feared that epidural send me to paralysis. I searched many times on the Net and read horror stories of delivery, how it's hard, etc.

Previously, I had 2 DP episodes, one at 11, and one at 18, caused by what? At 11 years old, I don't know, at 18 years old, I smoked pot and my father lost his job, and I quit university (all at the same time). The 2 times, it lasted 1 year, I saw many doctors, and nothing was wrong... except one family doctor who said it COULD HAVE BEEN schizo, but it wasn't because I didn't have delusions or hallucinations. But the fear stayed in my mind, and after, I coulnd't read the word and I started to feel DP/DR. I never took meds, continued my life, and it went away like that. It was less worse than now.

Just before the delivery, I talked about my boyfriend about this DP episode (I never talked to everyone about it, because when I thought about it, I feared it came back). But I said to him I didn't want this to come back.

At the delivery, thought, when I had contractions, I didn't scream one time. In 7 hours. I went into my bubble, closed eyes, and count in my head. It was horrible, the pain, but everyone as telling me I was great. Unfortunately, they had to do a cesarian, so after my epidural, I had an anesthesia. The baby was almost there, so they had to throw him out of me, it was like they thowed me outside of me. I felt panick too, because the anesthesia was under my stomach, I was convinced I had a lack of oxygen, and that was endommaging my brain. I thought I was dying. It wasn't the case at all, so they gave me Versed to calm me.

I felt stoned, but I was thinking it was the meds. I tried to breastfeed, didn't work, and my boyfriend was very sad of this. My nipples were bloody because it wasn't working, and baby was crying all the time. I felt much pain. I didn't slept in 3-4 days, and began to feel depressed. In my hospital room, I didn't knew if it was night or day. And I felt unaware of what was going on. Not happy, just wanted to sleep.

After my first walk in the hospital, I began not to feel "there". I felt like bizarre, and I thought I was the lack of sleep. But when I go out the hospital, after 5 days, it was like I come out of a coma. Everything seemed strange, I felt so disconnected. Not there.

After 2 weeks like that, I ended up in the emergency, and they told me I was panick attacks, they gave me clonazepam (0,5 mg) and celexa (5 mg at first). It just calmed me, but never helped DP/DR.

This summer (2003), I tried many things : relaxation, psychologists, I even called many psychiatrists bcause I thought it was schizo, but they always reassured me, I read every book about depression and anxiety, etc. But it was debilitating. I didn't want to talk because I didn't recognize my voice, with my baby I was a zombie, I didn,t want to go outside, etc.

One day I found a psychiatrist specialised on PPD. I saw him once a week, since now (august 2003), and we tried many meds:
-Paxil 13 days at 20 mg (I was too bizarre)
-Zoloft many times at 25 mg, one month max (didn't helped at all except for panick and a bit of depression)
-Remeron 3 days (I felt palpitations, it was horrible
-Effexor 37,5 mg 1 week max : I had dilated pupils, much more DR/DP, insomnia, eurk
-Anafranil (3 days, I feared this med)
-Celexa (max 20 mg), many times, max 8 weeks, didn't help at all, and gave me obsessions

And also I tried clonazepam 0,5 mg (still on it), valium, tranxene, librium a few times, but those gave me confusion.

So now I am with clonazepam, and PAxil since 2 weeks, and I wonder how I will go over that illness.

My symptoms :

-I feel not there, like my mind is disconnected. I feel like on drugs, like if my mind will go away, very far.
-I feel on another planet (DR), like I don't belong, I am besides reality. Very frustrating.
-I don't usually see hours pass, I have trouble with time, and always end up like I missed hours.
-Usually I fell not myself, I doN,t really know who I am anymore. I very very very bad if I put my attention to myself (who I am).
-I am depressed (cry once a day)
-I always have this confusion about going out and in a place. After, I feel confused, like if I slept my action, it happens to when I concentrate on something and then I go doing other thing immediately after. I panik.
-I have big trouble to go on a bus, public transportation.
-I see like in 2 dimensions.
-I have 0 memory (short term)

Somehow I have huge fear that will become schizo, or that anesthesia did something to my brain, or that I will stay like that all my life. That brings me hopelessness.

I still work with a psychologist to help me reduces anxiety. And I see my psychiatrist, but it doesn't help anymore. I prefer psychologist. I still hope one day I will cure myself of this problem.

Thanks for reading

Coucouc (cynthia) :?


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## Guest (Aug 24, 2004)

Hey, Cynthia!

I think this is the first time I have read your whole story. I've heard bits and peices on the other forum for post partum.

I just want to give you a big hug!!! You have been though so much and are trying so hard. Dp and DR are so hard to live with on a day to day basis! I believe you have a great therapist and you are sticking to your meds, which is good. From reading your latest post on the other forum, you are already starting to sound much, much better!!! It takes time, but I feel you are on the right track and that if you just stick with what you are doing, you will find that you are having relief from you symptoms.

This is a great site, huh? I hope it gives you hope. If it doesn't, stop reading it, okay? I even had to take a bit of Xanex tonight as all this reading has caused a bit of anxiety for me! Keep up the good work, Cynthia. I know it's hard. I'm here for you!

Carla


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## Guest (Aug 24, 2004)

thanks for being with me!!!

Big hugs xxx

Cynthia


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## berlin (Aug 19, 2004)

Coucouc,

Hows your wee boy? Ive had DP/DR 100% since the birth of my second son (almost three years) got through that much because I dont feel. Didnt have a difficult birth at all but he was born to difficult circumstances. Working hard to recover. Good to know we are not alone! Take care. x


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## Guest (Aug 24, 2004)

I am here with you too. I think we are still the ones suffering from DP / DR.

This is the first time I have heard your whole story as well. I am going to go type mine, maybe it will make me feel better :lol:

Rachel


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## Guest (Aug 25, 2004)

Hey Rachel!

I think this is a great place for us to give and gather support. I'm glad you are both here, I feel like you are both good friends coming together. I look forward to getting to know the rest of you out there as well.

Berlin,

You have been through so much. Here's a big hug to you as well. We are here for you, too.

Carla


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## Guest (Aug 25, 2004)

Thanks Berlin, Cakies and Carla.

For the new ones, don't be afraid by certain posts... we can all get better!!! Some people have their own opinions. But I think the best is to believe in ourselves and take what helps us!

After all, we just have 1 life!

Thanks for being there.

I am still taking Paxil, since almost 4 weeks, and I am much more calmer. Tired, but more calm. My derealization seem less frightening. And I don't think of my Dp like before.

So, keep up the faith!

Cynthia xx


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## Guest (Aug 26, 2004)

CYNTHIA!!!

*YOU ARE GETTING BETTER!!!* I think even you know this now!!! YOu have just made me so happy by reading your post! 

*YOU GO GIRL!!!*

Carla


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## Guest (Aug 26, 2004)

First of all, let me thank you Carla, because this is truly very hard to deal with. Over a year ago, I came on these forums, not having a name for what it was I had. I tried to explain it, but noone cared nor knew.

Now a year later, I am suffering from the first symptom I got since my PPD first hit.

Secondly,

Cynthia you are amazing!! I am so happy for you and just thankful that you are getting better. I hold the hope for myself as well.

You can do it, you have fought to hard and come to far....

I hope each day gets better and better for you.

Noone deserves it like you do!!

Rachel


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## genie (Aug 13, 2004)

Hey, I have just read your story and just want to say that I think you are a very brave lady.

Your posts are sounding more optimistic so keep up the faith and stay positive because you sound as though you are getting better. Just remember that recovery is a slow process but you can get there in the end!

Also remember you have had DP in the past and it has gone and this time it will also go.

Good luck

Genie


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