# Suffering from depersonalization for over 8 years



## perfectlyflawedx (Jul 16, 2010)

Hi everyone my name is Trisha, and I'm 21 years old. The first time I ever felt dp I was about 7 or 8 years old. I went through what was supposed to be a minor surgery of having my tonsils removed and it went completely awry. I got very sick and was about on my death bed. After time went by I got better, & I was spending time with my cousin at a cabin of her families for the weekend. I remember sitting there, and for a couple minutes things looked strange and unfamiliar but after a couple minutes the horrible sensation disipated. I didn't feel that way again until I was 13 years old. Like most I had went on to smoked pot for my first time. The first couple times were quite fun, I sat there laughing, eating a lot of food, and had a good time. It was probably like my third time smoking and my step sister had said we're gonna go smoke with a couple of my friends, so I went. I remember sitting there taking two hits and passing it around the circle of people who I didn't know at all. After about half an hour into it everyone in the room was high as shit and I couldn't feel a thing, not even a buzz. I kept asking everyone why I wasn't stoned yet. They simply told me that I didn't smoke enough, so they just gave the remainer of the bowl to me. Like a hour later I finally felt it and I was fucked up. The high some what went away throughout the night but the next day at school...little did I know I'd be feeling this way for the rest of my life. I was at school the next day in the lunch room talking to my friends, when all the sudden I couldn't remember where I was or even who I was. Then it came to me that I was at school unfortunately and my name is Trisha. Things looked so scary and weird to me. Like as if I was still stoned, but a really bad type of high. I had told the school nurse I got sick and threw up so I could leave. I remember sitting in my dark room hoping that this horrible feeling would go away but it never did. Hours became days, days became weeks, which became months into years, and I haven't felt the same since. I feel like the old me is completely gone.I get to the point that I cry all day and can't even bring myself to leave my own place. I think about death all the time & how I would kill myself. I dream about my own funeral, and the people I love around my casket. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to have hope for 8 years and I'm tired of living this way. If I can't work I'm worthless, and I'm just sick of living this way. If there is such thing as a better place, then it's gotta be better than this...


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

perfectlyflawedx said:


> Hi everyone my name is Trisha, and I'm 21 years old. The first time I ever felt dp I was about 7 or 8 years old. I went through what was supposed to be a minor surgery of having my tonsils removed and it went completely awry. I got very sick and was about on my death bed. After time went by I got better, & I was spending time with my cousin at a cabin of her families for the weekend. I remember sitting there, and for a couple minutes things looked strange and unfamiliar but after a couple minutes the horrible sensation disipated. I didn't feel that way again until I was 13 years old. Like most I had went on to smoked pot for my first time. The first couple times were quite fun, I sat there laughing, eating a lot of food, and had a good time. It was probably like my third time smoking and my step sister had said we're gonna go smoke with a couple of my friends, so I went. I remember sitting there taking two hits and passing it around the circle of people who I didn't know at all. After about half an hour into it everyone in the room was high as shit and I couldn't feel a thing, not even a buzz. I kept asking everyone why I wasn't stoned yet. They simply told me that I didn't smoke enough, so they just gave the remainer of the bowl to me. Like a hour later I finally felt it and I was fucked up. The high some what went away throughout the night but the next day at school...little did I know I'd be feeling this way for the rest of my life. I was at school the next day in the lunch room talking to my friends, when all the sudden I couldn't remember where I was or even who I was. Then it came to me that I was at school unfortunately and my name is Trisha. Things looked so scary and weird to me. Like as if I was still stoned, but a really bad type of high. I had told the school nurse I got sick and threw up so I could leave. I remember sitting in my dark room hoping that this horrible feeling would go away but it never did. Hours became days, days became weeks, which became months into years, and I haven't felt the same since. I feel like the old me is completely gone.I get to the point that I cry all day and can't even bring myself to leave my own place. I think about death all the time & how I would kill myself. I dream about my own funeral, and the people I love around my casket. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to have hope for 8 years and I'm tired of living this way. If I can't work I'm worthless, and I'm just sick of living this way. If there is such thing as a better place, then it's gotta be better than this...


Hey Trisha,

You post videos on youtube as well, right? I believe I've seen your videos before, as your name and story ring a familiar bell. I am sorry to hear that you are in such a dark and bleak place, but I wanted to welcome you to the forums. We are glad to have you with us.


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## perfectlyflawedx (Jul 16, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Hey Trisha,
> 
> You post videos on youtube as well, right? I believe I've seen your videos before, as your name and story ring a familiar bell. I am sorry to hear that you are in such a dark and bleak place, but I wanted to welcome you to the forums. We are glad to have you with us.


Yes, that was me. Things have been extremely rough for me and I don't know where to turn anymore. Thank you


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## Onibla (Nov 9, 2010)

Please read Paul David's website and his book 'A life at last'.

I've made a lot of posts about slowly getting interested in things and getting bored with DP which you can probably find and read by doing something clever with my profile. But you sound like you need the book more than anything. He had it for 10 years and recovered.

The fact that you got DP/DR from drugs is not unusual, I myself got it that way too (I think). I've also been near suicidal and spent weeks thinking about death. Things can get better, slowly but surely, if you put what the book says into practice and possibly some of the mindfulness (getting focused on what you are doing and getting interested in life again) posts I've made.


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