# DP Free for Three Years Now



## julie13 (Oct 6, 2005)

It has been a long time since I have visited this site, and even longer since I have posted anything. I think after you get over the DR you sort of want to delete any remnants of that part of your life for fear of a relapse, but it occurred to me that I should share my story and recovery for those who are in the middle of, what I remember to be, a terrifying state of mind and period of my life.

From very early on in life, I suffered from severe anxiety and panic attacks. But like most people with the disorder, I learned to live with it. When a panic attack came, I got through it, I knew what it was, it just became second nature, no matter how uncomfortable. Out of nowhere it seems, I developed derealization. Perhaps it was years of excessive anxiety, who knows. But all of a sudden, I was living in a dream. Nothing seemed real to me. There was a lucid veil between me and the outside world. Friends and family that I have been around my whole life suddenly seemed strange and distant to me. Familiar places seemed foreign and awkward. It wasn't long before I started to not only panic, but question everything in my life. Did I maybe die one night and I'm stuck in some sort of odd in-between land? Am I alive? Is this life real? Was it ever real? Those questions inevitably led to more, profound questions on life, origin and existence. I had in every sense of the word the "Nausea" that Sartre describes. And I was crippled. I thought maybe some greater power was playing a cruel joke on me or testing me...giving me a life for so long that I just blindly accepted then letting me see my real life...knowing that I would question its reality.

It wasn't long before every minute of my day was consumed with fear of my DR. Every feeling, every sensation was monitored and questioned. There wasn't a fear of death, because at that point, death would've been somewhat desirable. I know now that the anxiety which accompanied my DR was 100% responsible for prolonging it. We all know how it feels after a panic attack, when nothing seems right and everything is fuzzy. That goes away with a typical panic attack. But if you have anxiety about that fuzziness, its a vicious cycle that never ends. I think DR is a state of mind that happens sometimes, and without reason. Instead of letting it run it's course, I let it terrify me, and in turn, it stayed.

But I successfully broke that cycle. Everybody is different, but I can tell you what worked for me. Eventually, I had no choice but to have faith. Not in a higher power, not in a religion, but just pure and simple faith that my life was, in fact, real. This is so much easier said than done. For someone who has never trusted anyone in my life, I suddenly had to trust the mere fact that I was alive, that nobody was "messing with my mind," that my family and friends and everything I see in my life is real. That is funny to even write now, since nobody can ever understand how hard that is unless you have DR. Telling your mind what to think and how to view something is one of the hardest things there is to do. Anxiety and DR are bad habits, deeply engraved in the mind, and changing that thought pattern takes constant work, but it is 100% achievable, just like breaking any bad habit. I don't knock medication, as I think medication is a great crutch to use while experiencing some of the more disturbing forms of anxiety. For me, zoloft and an occasional Xanax were a welcome help, though by themselves, I don't believe medication is enough.

Today, my DR days seem like a lifetime ago. Once the DR was gone, I chose to confront the underlying issues that prompted my anxiety and depression to begin with. And that is work that is ongoing and continual. But it's also essential so that relapses into DR don't occur, but most importantly, so that anxiety doesn't rule your life. There are still many things I'd like to work on, behavior patterns that I wish I could change. I still deal every day with my need to be a control freak. Every day I remind myself that I cannot control anybody else but myself, and to get all worked up about something beyond my control is not only destructive, but a waste of time. There is nothing wrong with saying "I need help," or admitting that you are working on yourself. I think all too often people ignore their pain inside or try to suppress it. And that, in and of itself, isn't being real either. Though I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, I think DR allowed me to look deep inside and start the journey to self-recovery. Maybe DR is your body's way of telling you that something needs resolving. I don't know, I don't claim to know why things happen the way they do. I just hope that if somebody is suffering from this anywhere, they can at least read my story and know that it is possible to get better and be DR free.


----------



## HereNotHere (Mar 3, 2009)

Wow, thanks for posting!


----------



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Julie,

Honestly another great story of success with DP. The board can never have enough of these. Thank you so much for coming back and sharing! The VERY best of luck to you in the rest of your life.

I'm glad this is something you were able to beat, and your advice for how you did it is dead on.


----------



## Anthony1985 (Jan 18, 2009)

This is me all over - down to a tee!

But after suffering for 6 or 7 months (though only chronic in the past 4) I believe with the simple steps Julie mentions above and my own plan of action Im beating this 'curse'.

Throughly agree that in many cases it is your body's natural way of saying 'something is not right in your life that needs addressing'

For me that is - sleep, less alcohol, get off the drugs, eat better, rest more, dont expose myself to situations of excessive stress! (not much then!)

You can definately get better


----------



## Ivorysoup (Dec 8, 2009)

Wow, I've had some of these exact same thoughts, particularly the idea that I might have died and that this is some sort of weird, long hallucination or dream between dying and death. I also feel the existential "Nausea" from the intensity of life around me and my numbness to it. I've gone through some pretty intense bouts with DP for the past five years, but only discovered what it was a year or so ago. Since then it's consumed me and I haven't yet figured out a way to get rid of it. Reading posts like this give me both hope and direction. Thank you for returning to write; it is unbelievably encouraging to know other people have had the same condition and defeated it. Good luck to you!


----------

