# 12 years Away, Now I'm Back Here



## Manic D (Jun 29, 2005)

Jesus what a time. 18 months ago I was feeling pretty good about myself. It had been almost ten years since my last bout of depersonalization and derealization, since I beat it back with the help of Paxil, exercise, and a strong sense of purpose. The decade between then and now was largely a good one. It saw me complete my degree, move out of my parents' basement, and get my career as a graphic designer off the ground. I went out, formed friendships, traveled, and was quite happy. Of course I still had my problems, I still dealt with mental issues, but the crushing weight of DP/DR-like 400 pounds of luke-warm jelly-was off me. I thought it was all up and up forever.

DP/DR for me is only explainable in analogy. People (psychiatrists, therapists, close friends) ask me what it's like and I have no real answer. Some analogues I've tried:

• It's like I'm wearing myself as a hat. I feel there's something inside of me that controls me, but I am unable to feel any connection to it.

• It's like being half invisible, but only to myself. It is what being a ghost must feel like.

• It's the feeling of barely holding on to a sliver of consciousness, like you're constantly on the verge of phasing out of existence. It feels as if my mind is a few grains of sand in my palm, and that I have to grip them with all my strength or they'll fly away.

None are very effective, not even to me. The last one seems the most apt though, because it speaks to the several layers of the onion: the feeling itself, the obsession with the feeling, and the anxiety and panic caused by the feeling.

This all started when I was about 19 (I'm currently 35.) I had always had problems with OCD, but my life took a turn for the worse when I moved from normal 18-19 year-old habitual marijuana use to experimenting with hallucinogens. I had a bad experience on mushrooms and from that day, DP/DR entered my life. I spent the majority of my 20s mired in it and only got out of it when I got real about taking psychiatric medication and attempting a self improvement regime of better eating, exercise, and therapy.

For about ten years DP/DR was so far gone that I could only remember it as you remember a bad dream. I could intellectually speak about it but not actually perceive it. A year of Hell conspired to bring it back to me, or me to it. About a year and a half ago I was feeling so well-adjusted that when Oregon (my home state) legalized recreational marijuana, I tried it. I actually got quite into it. This was, of course, a terrible idea. It began the creep of questioning perception, and when some bad events popped up in my life it all but ruined me. Around this same time my best friend of 15 years was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I suffered a few minor injuries which prevented me from regular exercise, and the dosage of Paxil I had been on since time immemorial became no longer therapeutic. These factors all played a part in a shitty ensemble, but my full-bore downward slide was more likely the consequence of watching a good and decent man waste away and slowly die. By about six months into his illness I was again submerged into a spiral of self-obsession and separation from consciousness, and months later when he passed away I felt nearly as dead as he was.

For the last half year I've known that I had to address my medication as part of an attempt to hoist myself up out of the muck. I upped my Paxil dose to no avail, and now I am cross tapering to Lexapro in the hopes that another SSRI will give me similar relief to what Paxil did for me for many years. As I sit now, I am in my office, at work, feeling quite numb. Perhaps a bit intoxicated even. To this point I have somehow continued to function at a high level in my work (I'm gunning for a promotion at the design agency I've worked at the past five years and I also teach design at a local college.) But now that I'm doing the medication switch I feel worse, less capable, and more affected by DP/DR than I had been before. It's a strange sensation and a cruel one. To want to take these drugs you have to be pretty desperate for help, but medication offers you a beating before it puts any flowers by your hospital bed.

I am writing this mostly to myself, but also to all of my brothers and sisters struggling with DP/DR. I have been here before. I have been in this mind state. It felt then as it does now, that it was a life sentence and that I would never conquer it. That I was doomed to live half-life and that nothing would ever bring me joy or any real emotion at all. I know, though, having beaten it before, that it can be beaten. The sensation of desperation and of being utterly bereft is part of DP/DR. I can and I must reconnect with my desire to fight in order to win. The urge to overcome a problem is a powerful animal, but one I've felt less and less able to scare up from the tall grass of my mind in this long 18 months. But it can be found. It must be found and we must all support each other as we look for it.

I don't believe in God, but I say to you all: God bless you. You are as close to my family as anyone on this planet ever will be because you understand my struggle, and my pain.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Let this be a lesson to any YOUNG! DP sufferer who thinks that after they recover they can simply start using drugs again without consequence...

The rule is simple...To recover from DP STAY AWAY from illicit drugs....

The other thing I must emphasize is that we all MUST reduce our stress levels as much as possible...Stress in all forms is DPs best friend....

Excellent post! Best of luck getting better again Manic D.....

I actually think this post should be pinned and used as a response to anybody on here who suggests marijuana can be used again after DP recovery....In fact I think its about time marijuana promotion posts were banned from this site....There are plenty of websites out there for weed smokers to blab on about how harmless and useful it is for medicinal purposes etc....This is just not the place for such talk....This site is here to help people improve their condition and possibly recover with positive healthy methods.....Its absolutley not a place for people to suggest methods that we all know can do more harm than good....Luckily Im an older wiser DP sufferer....Young people experiencing this condition for the first time dont have such knowledge and are grasping at straws in an attempt to get better....They need positive useful helpful info.....Not idiots suggesting things that can cause serious adverse affects....

Avoid the drugs / Reduce the stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Manic D (Jun 29, 2005)

Truthfully I think my recurrence of DP/DR is because of a really bad combination of factors:

• Loss of effectiveness of my medication I had been on for 10+ years

• Use of marijuana after years off of it

• Injuries which reduced my ability to exercise out my stress

• Increased stress due to the election and me being a political junkie

• A massive increase in stress and sadness caused by the sickness and death of a close friend

To blame it all on drugs would be to blame my initial occurrence of DP/DR full on drugs, when in actuality I think the drugs first unlocked then exacerbated a deep panic which manifested in this dissociation. I have had at least three extended bouts with DP/DR, each predicated by intense stress as much as any use of drugs. We as sufferers know that a lot of people end up here for non drug-related reasons and that we all experience very similar symptoms, so it has to be deeper than the drugs alone. But yes I agree, if you have problems with dissociation, marijuana is your enemy. I support legalization and have many friends that use recreationally, but it is not for me. It's like an allergy. A lot of people love peanuts. Some people have a deadly allergy to them.


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## mind.divided (Jul 2, 2015)

That you for the story. I hope you recover fast again


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

I read the whole thing. Good read. Guess i just wanna say that we are all in the same boat here


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## enroute (Sep 3, 2013)

Welcome back. Keep consistent with your medications and I wish you good luck.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Thank you for sharing that, Manic D. The parallels with how I've been experiencing DP are striking. I also had many years where the DP really seemed to simmer on the back burner while I went out and "lived my life". I also find that exercise is a huge help in dealing with a lot of the anxiety that accompanies my DP, and it prevents things from getting too out of control. I'll still feel the emotional numbness or, as you describe, "...what being a ghost must feel like", but it really placates the more terrifying aspects of the disorder, and gets that serotonin humming. I've also been going through some real tough times recently (problems in relationship, also a good friend who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, etc.), and it all just piles on and makes things worse, while the DP gains ever more power. I'm going to get serious about therapy and give it a whirl...again. I've abdicated my whole anti-medication schtick. I'd be willing to try just about anything at this point if it actually helps rid myself of the DP. I've found that meds are usually great for reducing anxiety, but most of the ones I've tried tend to dull my thinking and give me assorted other problems, and meanwhile the DP is still there in any case.

Anyway, I'm rambling...great post!


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

I need to put this story on my wall when I recover, as I know 10 years down that old habits die hard.

BUT.....you did it once, you can do it again!


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## Manic D (Jun 29, 2005)

Thanks for responding friends.

Last night I took my last dose of Paxil, after ten years of being on it. It feels strange, like saying goodbye to an old friend you had a fraught relationship with. The prospect of facing life without Paxil was a horrifying one for me for a number of years, knowing how bad things were before it. It was only when my mental state had descended to a critical low point that I realized that the breakup had already occurred, and all that was left for me was to break the physical addiction. That took two months of tapering and crossing to Lexapro. I am now at a therapeutic dose of that drug, and though I feel the possible inkling of improvement I am still very much in the throes of DP/DR and anxiety. I am attempting to remain positive and keep the thought in my head somewhere that recovery is possible.

Things it is important for me to tell myself:

• This is not permanent. I am not damaged. I am going through a very difficult period but I can get through it.

• If I cease monitoring my consciousness, that does not mean that my consciousness ceases to exist. Similarly, if I cease thinking that I'm going insane, that does not mean that I have gone insane.

• Recovery will not happen like a thunderbolt from the sky as much as I want it to. It will be a long process that, once complete, I will probably barely remember the start of.

• If I pick a direction and keep moving in it, eventually I will get somewhere.

I truthfully wish all of you the best as I would wish it for myself. We're all in this together.

@sebastian I'm sorry to hear you're in a tough time as well. I encourage you to seek therapy. I wish I had sought it immediately when things started getting bad for me instead of turning to other means of stress relief. For me, I believe that a part of my DP/DR has to do with bottling emotions and my mind creating a barrier between my consciousness and the intensity of my negative emotions. This was compounded during my friend's illness because I would have to see him and "put on a brave face" and put the thought of his impending death out of my mind just to treat him as a human and not a condemned body. To talk about those feelings with a therapist (and I have found a very good therapist now) has allowed me to let them out, to cry, to yell, to experience them fully, and that cathartic release has been very powerful. It doesn't last long but I do believe that it is helpful for people like us to get closer to our feelings and not farther away from them.


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## Jrrodriguezj (Apr 9, 2017)

I need some pointers, I have been suffering for so, for over 3 years now, I don't want to leave the house because my anxiety kills me , I hsve gained weight, and lost f
Hope for life, I have sleep apnea for 12 years now, I'm hoping if I start sleeping on my cpap that it'll help because i have always felt so drained and tired, but i never knew I would become a victim of something I just discovered, I honestly feel hopeless, I had used to smoke weed, but I stopped aloonnng time ago so I doubt that eas the problem, I believe it's a mixture of many years of lack of sleep and depression, I hope I can fix this if I find courage to try antidepressants,I'm glad you have beaten this , and it gives me a little hope today


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