# New here. Please Read. So scared. PLEASE HELP.



## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Hello, 29 years old. Floridian, born and bred.

Got married in 2005 and left home for the first time. Moved to Kentucky. Developed DP... Not surprising to me.. Feeling unfamiliar with my surrounding while being in a new state? Makes sense. Feeling "not like myself" while just starting a brand new life? Makes sense.. Etc.. Found a psychologist. He had not treated anyone with DP before.. Surprisingly, he did not try and write me any prescriptions. I had the fears of going, and being crazy, so he tested me for mental illnesses. He said I "passed" and did not have any..

Eventually in 2007, the marriage didn't work out and I moved back to Florida.. Try as I might, I do not remember when the DP "went away" or at least became tolerable... but I lived my life as normal, I think... Until the last week and a half..

It is terrifying. It is 1,000,000 worse than it was before. I obsess over existential things: Am I real? Is anyone else real? Did I create this world in my mind? Am I a figment of someone else's imagination?

It is terrifying to talk to another human being, while wondering if they even exist. :-( That is the scariest part of this. I feel so alone because of it...

I have the "Truman Show" feeling 24 hours a day, and in my head I am yelling "How do I get out of here?!" knowing all the while that there isn't anywhere else to go.

Whenever I forget something, I think the worst, and wonder if I have multiple personalities, and the "other me" was in control that day, and thats why I can't remember certain experiences.

I am terrified that i'm going to "lose my mind" and just wake up one day in a straight jacket.

I feel like my neighborhood and surroundings look unfamiliar and new.

I worry that I won't find my way home from work, or that I will forget my entire life.

I do not know what to do.. Logic never seems to win. For example: Saw a friend from high school in the grocery store. Recognized him instantly, chatted with him. If I was "someone else" or if I was "forgetting my life" then I would have been dumbfounded during that experience. So logic tells me those fears of "forgetting" are not true... But it doesn't help.

Logic tells me that I am not crazy and I am just suffering from a disorder, But the logic doesn't win..

I can't look in the mirror because I seem to not recognize myself completely.

I feel like I have a head full of memories that belong to someone else.

I am (almost) 100% sure that it's not just DP, and i really AM crazy and I'm hallucinating everything, or I made it all up.

I try affirmations, and meditation, and it is unsuccessful. I try and tell myself, "These are not true thoughts, and I do not believe them." but it doesn't sink in.. I'm terrified to leave the house. To sleep.. To move.. To dream.. I just have panic attacks all day long...

I try to "think about other things" but I can't because It's all around me.. The world looks like a movie. Everywhere I look, the effects of DP surround me, so I can never get away from it. I don't know how to find a new doctor.. How will I get there? I don't even like being in a car. I can barely drive. Its overwhelming. Someone... please help me..

Is anyone else this bad? Be Honest..Or am I really as crazy and alone as I feel? Please someone help me.


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2014)

It is terrifying. It is 1,000,000 worse than it was before. I obsess over existential things: Am I real? Is anyone else real? Did I create this world in my mind? Am I a figment of someone else's imagination?

The philosophical thinking is typical with DPD and is indeed terrifying! I dealt with it for a long time before 'accepting' them and learning to redirect my attention.

It is terrifying to talk to another human being, while wondering if they even exist. :sad: That is the scariest part of this. I feel so alone because of it...

Aye, even surrounded by my family didn't help. In a way we all must combat it alone, but we have support amongst fellow sufferers. We know how you feel.

I have the "Truman Show" feeling 24 hours a day, and in my head I am yelling "How do I get out of here?!" knowing all the while that there isn't anywhere else to go.

Yes, this was always my most disliked symptom. It is disturbing. Medication was the only thing that alleviated this for me.

Whenever I forget something, I think the worst, and wonder if I have multiple personalities, and the "other me" was in control that day, and thats why I can't remember certain experiences.

Thoughts like these are also typical. I explored them and learned to dismiss them over time. It took practice and self-discipline.

I am terrified that i'm going to "lose my mind" and just wake up one day in a straight jacket.

This is a very common fear! Luckily people with DPD may feel detached from reality, but it is a sensation and not an actual disconnect. You won't go crazy, but that is something you have to believe yourself.

I feel like my neighborhood and surroundings look unfamiliar and new.

I have this feeling in my home particularly. Some people refer to it as jamais vu. Another disturbing yet harmless symptom.

I worry that I won't find my way home from work, or that I will forget my entire life.

Luckily this won't happen.

I do not know what to do.. Logic never seems to win. For example: Saw a friend from high school in the grocery store. Recognized him instantly, chatted with him. If I was "someone else" or if I was "forgetting my life" then I would have been dumbfounded during that experience. So logic tells me those fears of "forgetting" are not true... But it doesn't help.

Your logic is right. Part of the battle is learning to latch onto it and let it override the incredible amount of fear you are experiencing.

Logic tells me that I am not crazy and I am just suffering from a disorder, But the logic doesn't win..

I can't look in the mirror because I seem to not recognize myself completely.

Another one of the most common symptoms. It is quite horrible to look in the mirror and it looks like someone else entirely.

I feel like I have a head full of memories that belong to someone else.

Indeed, our past memories often feel like they may have been a dream or happened to another person. I try to stay connected with them by thinking of the good times I had before DPD.

I am (almost) 100% sure that it's not just DP, and i really AM crazy and I'm hallucinating everything, or I made it all up.

Says everyone at first, unfortunately. This will abate over time as you realize you are not crazy, and that you are stuck in a pattern of thoughts causing feelings causing actions and so on.

I try affirmations, and meditation, and it is unsuccessful. I try and tell myself, "These are not true thoughts, and I do not believe them." but it doesn't sink in.. I'm terrified to leave the house. To sleep.. To move.. To dream.. I just have panic attacks all day long...

I'm having a particularly bad patch where I feel too dissociated to leave the house. I really empathize with you on how difficult this is. You ask yourself, "How have I got to this point?" Believing those thoughts really can take quite a while, it's hard to accept that it is just the disorder causing these sensations and not something else.

I try to "think about other things" but I can't because It's all around me.. The world looks like a movie. Everywhere I look, the effects of DP surround me, so I can never get away from it. I don't know how to find a new doctor.. How will I get there? I don't even like being in a car. I can barely drive. Its overwhelming. Someone... please help me..

What is your daily routine like? Diet, sleep, activity. I would implore you to find a doctor- you may need some assistance with medication. You'll need something to help kick you out of this cycle, at least to the point of being more functional. It's common for people to initially be in your situation but then begin to improve through trial and error. Don't lose hope!

Is anyone else this bad? Be Honest..Or am I really as crazy and alone as I feel? Please someone help me.

Yes, many of us! I can speak for myself that I have or I am currently experiencing every sensation you described. Hold on, we are here for you.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Dear god. It's crippling.. It is literally, crippling... What can I do? I understand the disorder is widely misunderstood and unstudied, but is there a doctor directory? I thought I got lucky when I found LifeScript.com... I typed in "depersonalization" and it gave me an enormous list of doctors who supposedly specialized in this disorder.. But as I called their offices one by one, None of them said that treated or specialized in it at all.

I feel hopeless.. Isn't it amazing, how just weeks ago I was stressing over bills, and family problems, and money.. Now none of those things seem to matter.. Just escaping this hell.. I feel hopeless.. Like just closing my eyes and giving in to the madness that I am so sure is waiting to finish consuming me..


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2014)

Sam1814 said:


> Dear god. It's crippling.. It is literally, crippling... What can I do? I understand the disorder is widely misunderstood and unstudied, but is there a doctor directory? I thought I got lucky when I found LifeScript.com... I typed in "depersonalization" and it gave me an enormous list of doctors who supposedly specialized in this disorder.. But as I called their offices one by one, None of them said that treated or specialized in it at all.
> 
> I feel hopeless.. Isn't it amazing, how just weeks ago I was stressing over bills, and family problems, and money.. Now none of those things seem to matter.. Just escaping this hell.. I feel hopeless.. Like just closing my eyes and giving in to the madness that I am so sure is waiting to finish consuming me..


You need to keep looking for someone who is either familiar with the disorder and/or is willing to treat the anxiety you are experiencing. The options are psychotherapy and medication.

It is all consuming, and bleakly remarkable how fast it can destroy your life. There is hope and relief, but you need to find a professional.


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## BadVoodoo (Dec 23, 2014)

Really there isn't allot that I do when I get like this. Eventually your mind just gets bored thinking about it. I know it feels like it's going to take your sanity but trust me you will be fine. It might take a month or so but eventually you will come out of it. Oh and I totally understand the mirror thing and the weird thoughts. I was so bad I would go into a panic attack if I even saw my reflection. As soon as I saw it my mind would just scream "that's not me!!!" Or something along those lines. Just keep riding it out, you will get to a point where you look back on it and say " wow that was a dark place"


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I live close to where Dr Steinburg (author of the Stranger in the Mirror) has a practice, but she does not participate in insurance programs, and he self pay hourly rate, is more than I make in a week.

I reached out to 2 other doctors I found in my area, who are in the directory of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Disassociation... But i haven't heard anything back..

I try so hard to think positive.. but i can't help feeling hopeless. Did psychotherapy and medication work for you, Selig?


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2014)

Sam1814 said:


> I live close to where Dr Steinburg (author of the Stranger in the Mirror) has a practice, but she does not participate in insurance programs, and he self pay hourly rate, is more than I make in a week.
> 
> I reached out to 2 other doctors I found in my area, who are in the directory of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Disassociation... But i haven't heard anything back..
> 
> I try so hard to think positive.. but i can't help feeling hopeless. Did psychotherapy and medication work for you, Selig?


Yes, alleviated symptoms and allowed me to live at least a semblance of a normal life.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Today is the worst yet. I Stayed at a friends house last night to test myself.. Test the waters of waking up somewhere else.. Didn't end well. Forgot what street to turn on when I went home.. Started looking at my body parts and feelings confused about them.. Why they look the way they do. Why do people look the way they do.. Finally got home.. just feel like someone programmed my brain with all the things that are in it, but I didn't actually learn or live them.. I can't take this.


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## Guest (Dec 26, 2014)

Right now, with the things you're feeling, I'd do my best to stay in your comfort zone, some people may rag on me for this, but i think its the best bet for you RIGHT NOW, testing yourself at this point is only going to hinder progress. When you are more comfortable and feeling better than go and do some self tests.


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## ChrisChampion (Mar 6, 2013)

Yeah I always stay in my comfort zone at first as well then just gradually branch out until you don't even think about it really anymore. Treating the underlying anxiety def. helps for me. I'm sure you got very overwhelmed with all the changes you were facing.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I wake up, my room looks unfamiliar.. And the downhill spiral begins... Anxiety, fear of going crazy, not remembering my life or the people in it.. I have a boyfriend. He knows about the disorder and he tries to help.. But It's frustrating, because I ask him the existential questions, and he says he doesn't know the answers, and never will, and that doesn't bother him.. And that's it.. He tells me I am real, and so is he.. And when I ask him how he knows that for sure, he says he doesn't. And he's fine with that... What is so much different about his brain, that he is okay with the unknown? But mine faces the unknown and goes into "mental breakdown!" mode... The "unreal" feelings are intensified when he doesn't seem bothered.. because In my mind, since the existential questions DO affect me, I can't fathom someone else thinking them and NOT being affected.. Which makes me wonder if he is real even more.. I have no idea how he tolerates this.. And It is utterly depressing that I can't remember how or when I recovered from this before.. I can't remember.. Which terrifies me again, because I think I may have hallucinated it all... I remember a few moments of unreality and unfamiliarity that were unbearable.. So I researched and self diagnosed.. Then just set up an appointment with a psychologist out of the phone book.. He didn't understand the condition but we had weekly therapy anyways.. He researched about it and confirmed my self diagnosis.. Then one day I moved back to Florida.. I don't even remember our last session.. Like those memories were just wiped away.. In a way I feel like my life only actually "began" a week and a half ago, when the DP did....


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