# I want to die . . .



## Dream Robot (Jun 22, 2013)

No, that's not quite right -- I don't want to die, but I don't want to live anymore. Actually, I'm already walking around like a zombie, so I suppose that I'm already dead, in a way. I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't afford therapy or drugs and even if I could, I doubt they would work because my onset of DP/DR was entirely random . . . so how can I solve a problem when I don't even know what the problem is? I can't . . .

So how do I deal with this? I've read everything about how to cope and from what I can tell, I've done everything there is to do . . . I'm staying active and social and busy and thinking positive and . . . just everything. But nothing has had any effect yet and I'm almost starting to get depressed about it because I'm realizing how much time has gone by and I don't want to waste my life. I'm still in college and if I can't get over the "fogginess" that comes with this illness, then I don't know how I'll ever be able to get my degree. I had to take two incomplete classes because of this . . . seriously, how do people handle this and still function!?! I'm really struggling.

And I have no one to talk to -- that's my own fault though. I have friends, I have a boyfriend, I have professors that know me well . . . but I can't tell them. I did tell some of them, but it caused them so much pain because they were unable to help me, so I lied and convinced them that I'm fine now. And they believe me. Because of this stupid illness I've become so emotionally numb that I'm a wonderful liar. That's the only "good" thing that has come out of this . . . maybe I should be an actress or something if I can't manage to graduate from college . . .

Reading recovery stories makes me depressed as I realize that everyone had DP/DR come about due to some traumatic event or depression or something . . . none of that happened to me! If anything, having DP/DR is making me depressed . . . I refuse to let it, but that's just one more thing I have to fight off now . . . and how do you fight off these feelings of unreality? Of being in a fog? Of not even recognizing that girl in the mirror is you? I feel this way ALL THE TIME! And I know other people do too -- and the real me, underneath this robotic shell, I care about you. But right now, the robot is in control and it doesn't give a crap about anyone else, or more correctly, it can't -- because it has no emotions . . . I hate this, killing myself is seeming like a better and better option everyday. But I don't know how I'd do it . . .

And in reality, I highly doubt I ever will manage to do it . . . as long as I'm in this state, I'll still know that my actions have consequences and I know the consequences of committing suicide. But maybe if I just attempted suicide, half-heartedly . . . maybe my brain would "wake up" and I'd feel real again as I fight for my life . . . but with my luck, I'd end up going too far and really killing myself . . . besides, I made small cuts on my hand just to see if I'd feel real and the pain of it didn't really register . . . so I know that pretending to kill myself would likely lead to more disappointment . . .

If I've learned anything over the past month or so of ignoring this, it's that ignoring this won't make it go away . . . but in order to do something about it, I have to think about it . . . and thinking about it makes it unbearable. I can't do this alone. But I have no one. I have to do this alone. And I know it's possible for some people. But is it possible for me? Name something that you think would help and I'll try it if it I haven't already . . . I never like the connotations associated with the word "desperate," but that's the only word I can think of that can describe the way my logical, non-emotional mind feels . . . other than "conflicted" . . .


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