# Scared im going psychotic



## Lir1029 (Nov 27, 2018)

Hello guys, im new here and this is my first post. Excuse my bad english.

I am 18 years old, boy and suffering from dp/dr for almost a year now. This feels like hell on earth right now.
The first six months i started working out because i heard working out helps a lot. I really managed to recover about 90%. But in june of this year i experienced a panic attack, that lead to me worrying about my health. Along with health anxiety came severe derealization. And after that day, i stopped working out because of my health anxiety. Fast forward now 2 months later, my health anxiety is almost gone, still have DR but i started questioning everything, life, why we are alive, how in the end we all are going to die, everything, i mean EVERYTHING. Sometimes i get the feeling that this world is all made up, and im the only one real. Everything feels fake, i dont feel connetion to people, like my family i know that they are my family but i simply dont feel connected to them.
There are times i feel better, when im distracted i almost feel normal, but as soon as i have time with mysefl i start questioning things. Now i really am scared of schizophrenia and when i say scared, TERRIFIED. I am scared this is some type of prodromal state of it,i am really afraid, i dont see things neither do i hear things, i have sometimes mind chatter before going to sleep and thats it. Please if someone can relate to these symptoms your response would be very much appreciated.


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I went through all that stuff 5 times in my life. My depression was so bad, I failed to recognize it by that name. During one episode, I do not believe I had real sleep for 52 consecutive days. I don't think many people can even imagine what that is like.

I would descend into depression for about 6 months. Then, I would have what I call a nervous breakdown or meltdown. Finally I had reached the bottom and could now begin the long, slow ascent out of my depressive episode. That would take

another 18 months. I've had 45 years of adult life, with 10 years of it actively fighting the living death of major depression. The other 30 years I spent living in fear of the next episode of depression, while having "panic attacks", ocular migraines,

episodes of intense deja vu, intrusive thoughts, racing thoughts, etc., etc. I don't believe I was every psychotic, as I was fully aware of my suffering. One day when I was in my mid 50s, I googled into a British Medical Library and found the answer

to my mental illness in a neurological journal. I was suffering from an epileptic syndrome. Worst case is when your seizures segue into an affective disorder of major depression or bipolar. It explained the process of abdominal aura, which is a

seizure that precedes the temporal lobe seizure. It's a queer thing, and I was familiar with every unique sensation it causes because it was the event that introduced the seizures that changed my life. My panic attacks were actually focal temporal

lobe seizures. With my understanding of my life history, I sought verification from neurology and was given two EEGs and an MRI. My EEGs showed pathology consistent with a history of epileptic seizures.

I had ECT for my last depression in 2013. The reason I bore you with this story is to let you know that someone went 5 rounds in the same fight you are in, and came out on top. I am symptom free for the past 4 years, except for the

occasional ocular migraine. I know I will never suffer another episode of major depression. I feel different in a good way, following the ECT. It has been long enough now, that I can almost believe that 40 years of suffering never happened.

That is amazing when I remember some of the dark places I visited.


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## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

Dude, I relate 100%, feels good that Im not alone, even though I wish you didnt have this.

Ive told these thoughts and feelings to a psychologist and she told me I wasnt psychotic. Because I knew somehow deep down this situation and feelings and thoughts are caused by extreme anxiety and DpDr.

I have the exact same thoughts as you I think (check my posts) and struggle with it every moment. I just cant really accept it. I did 5 years ago but I cant remember how I did it. I literally feel like Im in a simulation or whatever, a dream or something, but somehow deep down I know Im not.

The universe, life, EXISTANCE scares me. Ive gotten full blown panicattacks thinking about the absurdity of it all. Reality is scary, and everything feels fake. However I know that happines exists, and when we are happy/satisfied we wont care about these feelings/thoughts. And since I know that that feeling exists I keep going, keep hoping, keep fighting. Its really fucking hard, I think about suicide daily. However not existing scares me as much as existing so thats not really an option for me.

Sorry for my bad english, my mind is mush right now. All I want you to know is that you are not alone, and keep fighting, and try not to think about it as much, even though I know it is near impossible.

Good luck friend

PS I also have sounds/chatter and sometimes images when I close my eyes just before I go to sleep, Ive read that its just our mind becoming relaxed and going into dreamstate.


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## Lir1029 (Nov 27, 2018)

Spadde said:


> Dude, I relate 100%, feels good that Im not alone, even though I wish you didnt have this.
> Ive told these thoughts and feelings to a psychologist and she told me I wasnt psychotic. Because I knew somehow deep down this situation and feelings and thoughts are caused by extreme anxiety and DpDr.
> I have the exact same thoughts as you I think (check my posts) and struggle with it every moment. I just cant really accept it. I did 5 years ago but I cant remember how I did it. I literally feel like Im in a simulation or whatever, a dream or something, but somehow deep down I know Im not.
> 
> ...


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## Lir1029 (Nov 27, 2018)

Man im really happy im not alone and im sorry you are going through this, i know its fucking terrible. The reality, existence scare me. But now im constantly scared of going psychotic. What if i start seeing things and hearing them, its terrible. Everything seems fake and dreamlike. I hope better days will come.


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## bigpwn (Dec 14, 2017)

Same, this fear is ruining my life and (probably) keeping my dpdr going

I feel so braindead, like I can barely string 2 thoughts together, today I had at least 10 panic attacks and convinced myself that I'm going full schizo

My grandma has it, I can't get the idea out of my head

Worst thing is I just read a guy saying how all of a sudden he developed schizophrenia at 23, I am fucking 23, my dpdr is 1000% heavier now, I'm struggling to even walk

Fucking hell just euthanize me already


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I've known a few schizophrenics. I had a good friend who got straightened out in federal prison. He got picked up at an Air Force Gate after inquiring about the arrival of President Reagan.

He had a rifle in the trunk of his car. The secret service arrested him and he went to federal prison where they diagnosed him and straightened out his mind with medication.

They put him in "the program" and sent him home. If he didn't keep his appointments with the community mental health agency, and take his meds as prescribed, he was going

back to prison. Anytime the President or Vice President visited our area (which is actually more frequent than you might think), he would have to leave the county and let the

secret service know where he was. There are more people in that program than you might guess. LOL

Now to the point. When he took his medications, you wouldn't guess he had a mental illness. Technically, he was sicker than I was, but I was suffering way more than he was and

he would be the first to agree with that assessment. This was the case for the decade he and I were close friends. The beauty of a psychotic illness is that it typically responds well to treatment,

and when you are off your rocker, you don't even know it. When you are depressed, you do know it. It affects how you think, how you feel, and every aspect of your being and you are really aware of it.

I used to wish I was manic depressive, just so I might have a brief period of enjoyment. (I know that is no picnic either).

My friend had a problem once with his prescriptions. If I remember correctly, he took 10mg tabs of Navane. The pharmacy made a mistake and gave him 1mg tabs of Navane.

A few days of the low dosage, and he was thinking he needed to saw up his apartment furniture, load it on his truck, and head cross country. The he realized he wasn't thinking

straight and discovered the issue with his meds. LOL He is gone now. He died young. Like many schizoids, he smoked like a chimney.


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## Psyborg (Dec 23, 2018)

I had panic that i was becoming psychotic and in the end my doc said that i actually am psychotic . it was hard to swallow but once i accepted it it wasnt the end of the world anymore . I took antipsychotics for a few months and i am better now . I am not psychotic anymore . Dont be scared ....and I dont think you are psychotic


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## startingtoday (Jun 29, 2018)

I know exactly how you feel. In the height of my dissociation all I ever thought about were those damn philosophical thoughts. To top it off I am a hypochondriac of sorts, and my grandmother is schizophrenic. I was certain that I would be locked in a loony bin forever, and that made my DR much worse. However, the chances that you actually have some form of psychosis are very, very low. People who have psychosis do not feel as though anything is necessarily wrong. People with severe anxiety and depression (Dissociation too) can and do feel like something isn't right.

Today, after three years of this, I am 95% cured. I am now fascinated with philosophy and I am pursuing psychology in Uni. I got this way by understanding what I was going through, understanding that I had anxiety and by focusing on how I was always feeling was making it worse, and finding passions to distract me. I played music, read political philosophy, and went out with friends. Often, I would feel DPDR when I did those things, but I ignored it and kept doing it. For me, it worked. Straighten yourself out and try and limit your anxiety. Much love and best of luck!


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## Assie5 (Feb 14, 2019)

You are not alone. Try to see it as anxiety . Your brain is just messed up and needs to be restored. Try to accept that it is anxiety . This really helped me with decreasing my dpdr.


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## Psyborg (Dec 23, 2018)

A LOT of this shit is actually caused by anxiety . anxiety can do a lot more than we think but it is a lot less dangerous than we think also


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