# Can I get better? Feels like I'm progressively getting worse.



## FirstAid (Nov 19, 2018)

In October I sort of let go when i was told I may have physchosis. 
Initially I would drift off and focus on music and I would shake it off, stop myself from drifting off in random thoughts like making up conversations etc. 
I stopped trying to fight and calm anxiety and thoughts, I just noticed it and let it be, instead of fighting over the next month I eventually forgot what my perception used to be like beforehand, so stopped trying to get it back, my identity dissappeared and sense of self entirely. My emotions went from numb to as if they have never existed, my drive and normal thought pattern is gone, my head felt a weight had sort of lifted and there was somewhat relief as the anxiety has gone and the heavyness and underlying sadness I guess about the fact that im in this condition went, But this is bad. I have lost my sense of sense of self and my own way of thinking, like that subconscious thinking thats natural and instant, spontaneous drive that propels you forward.

I thought by not fighting and letting everything be would make it better but has it only made it worse, or is this just part of it? As in not calming the anxiety and trying to ground myself has given me some form of blank mind, I cant ground myself as anxiety has dissappeared, I cant remember my old perception, my sense of self has completely gone. I can't calm the music and refocus as I don't even feel as if I'm not focused? 
But I'm not focused, I cant get in engrossed or become one with something like I used to.

Feel like im in some flat void constantly looking inwards towards myself, while my mind is sort of on the outside of my head, like there is some type of empty space around me, were I feel less a part of myself.

The thoughts I would have were I would drift off etc, like telling myself my own symptoms, I can't shut off, they don't feel like irregular unwanted anxiety thoughts anymore, it seems like by letting them and the music persist unchallenged they have put me in this state were I can't even shut them off, wereas before i could clearly recognise them, do my breathing and be like 'cmon I can do this' or 'stop that' but its as if my inner self to that has gone, have I accidentally trained my brain to make this empty perception and thoughts/music part of the way I think?

Or is the anxiety still underneath propelling them? Really feel like I fucked up and i cant get my control back, atleast with the anxiety I knew where I stood and how I had a sense of old perception, and how to feel a bit more connected.

Issue is, even though I know the way I am isn't my normal self at the moment, when I let go any sense or memory of what was normal before had dissappeared so my current state doesn't feel completely abnormal, even though I know it is.

Constantly having thoughts of death etc, like im telling myself its ok it happens all the time.

But I don't want to die, I want to get back to normal, however I can't muster may sense of motivation to want to get better, I used to specifically try stuff to get better but now I dont as its like i have lost the will to

Should I try and get the feeling of dread back that im in this position, as I feel as if im locked on this doesn't give a shit position were i am slipping further away, i honestly cant seem to see how i could my perception back or thoughts back just by carrying on in my current state.

Oh and my tinnitus is louder for some reasona and I can't seem to disregard it. maybe its because my thoughts have pissed off somewhere, the music is also more like simultaneous now as if its like the tinnitus, i cant really seem to focus on anything as I can't really muster any form of interest or focus for that matter despite my vision being clear as day.


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## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

What you are describing is a little like what I am going through now but I do have moments where the anxiety comes back so I don't think I have completely slipped away as you put it. But I know what you are talking about with the slipping away reference. I'm able to keep trying because my husband helps to keep me going but I fear that without him I would disapear completely and never come back to myself at all. This thought terrifies me and usually brings back the anxiety for a while which makes me feel like the anxiety being back is worse. I don't know what to do anymore. But at least I know I'm not the only one that is going through this horrid experience. In my mind I call it an alternate reality although I'm not sure its healthy to do that. It makes me question my existence which in turn terrifies me again and makes the DP/DR worse I suppose. My mind races with these kinds of thoughts.


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