# DP/DR caused of traumatic childhood.



## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

Hello,

I have noticed that I have had DP and DR my whole life. While this DP and DR is on all the time, I have some difficulties to write text which is understandable and easy to follow. So I hope you
can still understand what I'm trying to say.

So I'm 22 years-old female from Finland. I had raw childhood with lots of mental abuse. I have diagnosed with moderate depression and I have Post-traumatic stress disorder too. I have medication for my depression and I see psychotherapist occasionally. This was a raw details about me and now I'll tell my story, how all started and how I found this forum. I hope you have some helpful tips at the end.

I lived in a family, where my parents were always hating and yelling each other. I have never seen in my life that they would like or love each other. Usually they just tried to avoid each other during the day. My mother was really stressed and depressed and mad all the time. How she dealed this emotions was that she yelled at me ( and my twin-sister ) all the bad things in her life and made us suffer. She did this every single day. It was our fault that she was in bad marriage or she hard in work. Basically she yelled all the bad things at our face and let us to have really bad feeling all the time. When I was child, I was so stypid that I never left away from her hating and yelling because I thought it was impolite. So I listened the troubles and bad things and I felt, that it was turning my heart totally black with anger, stress and fear trapped inside. I have never felt any connection with my parents as people say what they have in their parents. They are just grown-ups, which made my life miserable and hell. Sometimes when she yelled with a lot desibels, I thought that my hearing was going worser. She did this every day. I remember when I saw her car coming at the home, I tried to hide from her. She was total monster. I tried to please her by making house work and such, but she got ever mader because if I did that, why I didn't already do another kind of stuff? Her "love" was totally conditional love. And still it didn't help. On top of all this she even threaten me and my sister about many things: That we don't have money for food, our house will fall because our father don't do anything, she said that she might die on her sleep or commit suicide. Although my father was sales manager in big company.

In the same time my father was horrible too. He was always in work and when he came home, he always drinked alcohol. Not like wine, it was several glass full of hard liquor. He was workaholic and alcoholic in same time. What it means that when he wasn't in a work, he drinked a lot. He never had hang over or anything so he could continue drinking when he came home. I never got know him because he was always away. He always just watched tv or was in another building smoking and drinking. I started to notice, that the alcohol was affecting his brains. His logical thinking started to go away and 
was really unpredictable. Later he made me feel that I lost my humanity, because I cound't say no to him and If I did, it made everything worse. So I learned to forget my humanity and do things what he wanted. It was just mentaly slavery not anything sexual or like that.

My parents made some agreemend that they stay together till me and my twin sister graduate secondary school. I got to know this from my big sister and brother. When I was 19, my mother finally moved away ( at the start I was afraid while mother threatet about this ). What happened next, my father started to act strangely. He didn't believe that mother would actually leave but she did. In this same point, fathers brains started "melt" faster and he started to be more scary. He left some odd notes like he expressed it, he put all trashes in a schoolbag and it was ment to hint something. And he started to throw me and my sister out of the house with no reason. So we waited till he went to sleep and came back to house. It was impossible to talk with him while the alcohol melted his brains. It was always horrifying that we didn't have any place to go. We were not welcome nowhere. We chose to be in fathers place because he was little bit less terrible than our mother. In this point I met my now to be boyfriend in a trip and he was living with hes mother, sister and mentally handicapped little brother. I couldn't leave her alone in fathers midless overpower. My boyfriend wanted me to move to his place, but I didn't want to leave my sister alone. After some time, his mother accepted us to move her place, what was a miracle. The place was in different city so there was 75km distance to fathers place.

So we left our father and we had no connect to our father in 3 years. I was always afraid, that he would come to chop us with axe or something. We coun't go "home" again. After 3 years our father died his alcoholism. It was reliefing that I didn't need to fear anymore.

There is about 4 years now what I have lived away from hell ( my childehoods home ). When I started to live in safe and loving enviroment I started to have panic disorder for some reason. My boyfriend make me to understand that I what I got from my childhood was depression and it was really hard me to accept that. It took one year me to understand that I have it. Now I have seen psychotherapist something like 3 years.

So how this all is connected to DP/DR is that I have never felt like living in the moment. I think I made this state to myself to survive the raw childhood, that If I make surroundings more unrealistic, it doesn't hurt me so much. It have been always on. I read the symptoms what people have describe in here and I made a list of what I have on it. So these are the things what have been always on and I live in that every moment in my life:

Alienation from surroundings = I feel like I'm outside of this life, 
people feel unrealistic and I feel unrealistic. It feels that this life is not 
real, its just somekind of movie, but I know its real.

Feelings of automation = Everyithing what I do, feels like automation. 
When I speak, it feels that the words just come out of nowhere. It feels like 
all my body movement are made by someone else. Its like from the Animorphs book 
serie, where the little worm comes to your head and starts to take control of 
everything. Even the eye movement.

Emotional numbing = I can't feel anything except negative emotions. I 
have never felt happiness, love or anything positive emotion and its really 
bothering me. When my boyfriend does something romantic, I can't feel anything 
while I really wanted to feel. I can't have any emotions about our relationship 
or him and its eating me alive. Rationaly I know I love him but I can't feel 
it. I have told this many times and he still lives and loves me.

Problems with memory = I haven't never been in the moment so Its really 
hard to remember them. Like something romantic what my boyfriend have done. I 
also have problems to concentrate.

Mind of no thoughts = Really often I don't think anything, I feel like 
braindead. It makes me feel really stupid.

I experience everything as little spacy, a lot disconnected, all of the 
time. And I see really badly especially when I am tired. Its like when I'm 
looking someones face, I can see just the eye and everything is in fog.

Loss of energy = I feel like never have any energy to do anything. If I 
still manage to do something, it is really hard while I don't have energy. Now 
I know its because of the subconscious is working my traumas all the time.

Difficulty of sleeping = I have always have problems to fall asleep but 
now I have medication for that. And I still have hard to get up in the 
mornings. It feels like waking up is really unnatural.

Blurred vision = everyithing is foggy, my eyes are sensitive for light. 
It feels like I see smaller area than normal people.

Well that is all what I can now remember but I think there is a lot of more things what is from DP/DR. I made that Steinbergs depersonalization test and I got 55 points what is in the range of Severe Depersonalization. I also checked Cambridge Depersonalization Scale test where there is questions like "I have the feeling of being outside my body." and you need to put how frequently it happens and its duration. In there I have almost everyting in frequently it happens all the time and its duration have been over a week or month. Well I have these DP/DR feelings always.
Just in this year 2012, I learned that this state of mine have names: Depersonalization and Derealization. My boyfriend found this when I was telling him again that I can't feel anything and I have numb feelings and It feels like this is a dream. I have all my life tried to think myself, how I feel and how I can name my state without any success. And when my boyfriend found this forum and read to me DP/DR symptoms, I started to cry. It was reliefing and horrifying that there is a name to my misery and there is others who have the same state what I have. There was the states and feelings what I have always tried to explain to my boyfriend and psychotherapist. It was really great to know this that I'm not stupid and I haven't just imagine these things by myself. I have been in brain scans and everything and they never know what was wrong of me. But now I know what is making my life so hard.

What is quite scary, is when I get cured of DP/DR and depression, who I will be? I have never got know to on myself while traumatic childhood and I don't have any self respect left. I have never lived normal life because of these disorders. What is left from me when those are taken away? Will I change in totally diffrerent person what I'm used to be? Its still motivating to get away from this DP/DR state but still really scary.

This post is quite long but I really needed to share all this. I haven't found many people here who have this whole life or they have traumatic childhood which causes DP/DR. I still want to learn more about this disorder so I can beat it in some day. I'm just wondering, what are the changes me to get normal with so many years ( about 20 years ) having DP/DR. I'm still young and I'm glad that I started to take care of me now, so only 23 years of my life is ruined and I might have double of that time to get happy life. If you have 
anything to ask, just ask from me. Even this post is really long I didn't tell 
everyithing what is going on ( like better times what I have now ). And I would appreciate if you have some tips how I can cure myself, how I should think about everything and how I can start to learn know who I am.

Thank you for reading this.


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## omnisest (May 10, 2012)

I am so so sorry I cannot offer you much advice on how to handle your depersonalisation. The only thing that has helped me a little is staying away from anxiety-causing stimuli. I am not sure about others, but for me at least it is a problem even watching horror movies, which can set me back weeks of progress. Another technique I find helps a little is to just stop yourself when you have derealised thoughts. When you start thinking about everything being a dream, or not knowing who you are, simply hold yourself and shut your brain up if you can. There is no way you can argue with the part of your mind that is continuing to propagate your depersonalisation, so do not bother, and simply stop allowing it to 'speak'.

But as I AM on this forum, suffice to say, these things have not cured my disorder entirely - they have only made the symptoms a lot more tolerable. I still cannot feel pleasure, though my moods are a lot better thanks to my antidepressants, and I still cannot emotionally connect to other people and things, though on some level I think I am still sad if something happens to other people.

I am still trying to work on a cure for having a 'blank mind' as they call it, but the more I try forcing myself to think, the less I respond to this call to action.

I hope you feel better soon, thank you for posting your story.


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## doritocakes (May 20, 2012)

Oooh, Finland. I'm a huge fan of your metal bands. Anyway, my DP was a cause of my childhood. I was bullied growing up, the day I started school when I was 5 until high school (I had the fantastic opportunity to go to an academic vocational school where the wouldn't let any of that shit fly and no one from my town went there). I would go to the teacher after class with spit-balls in my hair and my teacher would say she couldn't do anything because she didn't see it happening. I went through things like this everyday. The bullies would spread rumors that I made out with my brother (absolutely false). I still can't hug my brother to this day because I'm so disgusted. And the whole school was in on it. I had one friend, but she didn't even believe me about anything. I would come home to a dysfunctional family, albeit much better than your situation. My dad was an alcoholic and also on crazy strong pain medication and my mom would be yelling and crying and everything. Every direction I turned, everything was just shit. It's been years since he's had a drink or since I've been bullied, but nothing has improved. In fact, it's gotten worse. I have no advice to give, just figured I would share my tale. I also have that blank mind thing. Also, I'm anemic and always forget to take my iron so I'm always extra tired and dizzy because of that. I have no idea how you manage the relationship thing though. I've tried it. Doesn't make any sense to me.


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

omnisest said:


> I am so so sorry I cannot offer you much advice on how to handle your depersonalisation. The only thing that has helped me a little is staying away from anxiety-causing stimuli. I am not sure about others, but for me at least it is a problem even watching horror movies, which can set me back weeks of progress. Another technique I find helps a little is to just stop yourself when you have derealised thoughts. When you start thinking about everything being a dream, or not knowing who you are, simply hold yourself and shut your brain up if you can. There is no way you can argue with the part of your mind that is continuing to propagate your depersonalisation, so do not bother, and simply stop allowing it to 'speak'.
> 
> But as I AM on this forum, suffice to say, these things have not cured my disorder entirely - they have only made the symptoms a lot more tolerable. I still cannot feel pleasure, though my moods are a lot better thanks to my antidepressants, and I still cannot emotionally connect to other people and things, though on some level I think I am still sad if something happens to other people.
> 
> ...


Thanks for resposing







I thought no-one will read that long story. I really appreciate your comment. Its funny that you mentioned horror movies. While I didn't even know that I was depressed I could watch any kind of horror movie. After I figured out that depression, I now can't watch horror movies anymore. I think I will not watch horror movies either, so I wouldn't go worser.

I'm glad that you feel better with your DP, atleast it gives me hope that this state can go little bit off. I have tried to not focus DP thoughts and I try to do something what makes me think another things than my state, but in my case it haven't helped me a bit. Its thought scary, that if I really get cured, how much it is different than this state. I got some freaky about 1-2 hours moment, when I saw the first time bigger area than before. Everything was bright and I could see whole things. Now I see like one spot at the time. But when I saw first time whole coffee cup, it was really terrifying. I remember how scared I was and I thinking that this is not the whole image what "normal" people have, just a hint about their vision. It was really odd to see complete things and I was scared to look at my boyfriend while he feels to be some kind of hologram for me. He was too real so I was really scared. It last 2 days. Now my vision is back to "normal" what atleast I have used to have. It happened at Valentines day, when I had psychologist session where I bring my boyfriend with. Both of them said nice things about me that I have some worth and so on that he loves me etc. After we went home, we started to listen love songs and he still was saying that he loves me. And then in a moment, in my head was "snap" and suddenly I saw with the better vision. I was crying like 2 hours while it was really scary for me. Nowdays I'm little bit sad that it was too scary for me, I think I would now see better if I could take the new vision area better. Well now I hope that if it happens again, I won't be so scared.

I think that experience of better vision and better colors was telling me, that if/when I recover, it will be something like that. Just wondering if some another people have had same experience.


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

doritocakes said:


> Oooh, Finland. I'm a huge fan of your metal bands. Anyway, my DP was a cause of my childhood. I was bullied growing up, the day I started school when I was 5 until high school (I had the fantastic opportunity to go to an academic vocational school where the wouldn't let any of that shit fly and no one from my town went there). I would go to the teacher after class with spit-balls in my hair and my teacher would say she couldn't do anything because she didn't see it happening. I went through things like this everyday. The bullies would spread rumors that I made out with my brother (absolutely false). I still can't hug my brother to this day because I'm so disgusted. And the whole school was in on it. I had one friend, but she didn't even believe me about anything. I would come home to a dysfunctional family, albeit much better than your situation. My dad was an alcoholic and also on crazy strong pain medication and my mom would be yelling and crying and everything. Every direction I turned, everything was just shit. It's been years since he's had a drink or since I've been bullied, but nothing has improved. In fact, it's gotten worse. I have no advice to give, just figured I would share my tale. I also have that blank mind thing. Also, I'm anemic and always forget to take my iron so I'm always extra tired and dizzy because of that. I have no idea how you manage the relationship thing though. I've tried it. Doesn't make any sense to me.


That is really horrible what have happened for you. In my situation how I survived my childhood was my twin sister and just a crazy hope that THIS WILL NOT STAND FOREVER. I was happy to see that this stupid believe was the thing that keep me alive. I was thinking suicide and such.

I had admit with you that when I was rescued from my "family", I have got worse, like you did. Its quite odd that when I got away from hell to place where someone was caring about me, I felt even more empty, unhappy and really depressed. I have been almost 4 years away from the hell, I have done nice process if I try to remember which state I was before. I'm not so depressed anymore while I got in to right psychologist ( after 2 bad ones ). Though it was hard to even admit to myself that I was depressed. I was in a doctor many times while I have all kind of physical pain, like in my hearth was hurtful feelings and my stomach was hurting I felt like I'm going to pass out. It was funny that I said almost every physical symptom what depression makes and still any doctor didn't know what to do with me. They just simply stop help me while they didn't know what to do. They always took blood sample and there was never anything. I had to see a depression documentary where I figured out that my pain all over the body is caused of mental matter. After that I went to psychologist ( though its hard to get in one, atleast in Finland ). There they told me that my physical pain was just caused of depression I was really happy that I'm not going to die in hearth cancer or something like that. Always the diagnosis makes things to easier to stand.
Its odd that I have some rooms for my own thoughts where I'm not all the time worrying something nonsense. When I heard this forum that I was not mentally sick or I haven't just imagine these feelings for me by myself, I have got more hope of recovery. I'm so glad that there is name for this state and it is still sad that there is others. But atleast it takes so much worries away when there is a diagnosis for it although I made that diagnosis for myself.

Its odd that in the first few years when I got away from hell, I felt passion, little bit affection to him. Now when I'm little bit better, I can't feel anything against him. Its really odd. I think it is just the way you will get cured or something. Atleast my psychologist say that I have the good feelings inside, but those are hidden under my mental wall and I have to start practice to learn the happy feelings while I have not felt real love or happiness ever in my life. My body react to happy feelings like I laugh and seem to be really happy person. I have just noticed that when I laugh, I feel nothing inside in the moment. Its sad.

I think in your situation you should just let time to cure you. I think you and me will be in this state many years but we can make it faster. I have done some "challenges" for me, like I write every day 5 things about "I'm good because today..." "I am thankful about.." and " Good that I am not...". Like for example I'm good because today I went outside. I am thankful about my boyfriend. Good that I am not racist. It should help to think better things about yourself and help you appreciate thinks about your life and make you think that things could be worse. It is really hard to write those, but in time its easier. I have done a list what I should to do in a day to get some price. Like go outside for minute, go to sleep after 22.00 ( 10.00pm ), say in front of a mirror that I like myself ( although it still feels that I am lying ), take pills and meditate ( people say that it should help in DP/DR while you try to focus in the moment ). When I have done this 2 weeks I can get the price. Now in my challenges price is Minecraft diamond necklace. Its little bit hard to make the challenge little bit hard but not too hard. If you don't make the things in the list, there should be some amount what you can fail. If you can't fail, you won't do even one of the challenges list thins. You should try this, atleast you can see that you do something, you can see your success.

I'm little bit sad that in Finland they don't know anything about DP/DR. Here is not any medication for it. I have said this for my psychologist and she don't even know that this exists.

I hope that finnish metal music helps you to recover faster







I'm really glad that you replied to my post.


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## Jamby (Jun 17, 2012)

Thank you for your story. DPD caused by traumatic childhood is my story too so yours is one I can directly relate to. You explained it beautifully. Chronic DPD caused by trauma is a subset of the disorder I don't here enough of in many posts and videos I've run across. I hope to hear more from you. I am a much older and long time sufferer of this disorder. I only wish I had discovered a name for my disorder like you have at your age. Not that it makes it any easier for you but you have youth and time on your side for what that is worth. Take care for now.


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## Jamby (Jun 17, 2012)

Jamby said:


> Thank you for your story. DPD caused by traumatic childhood is my story too so yours is one I can directly relate to. You explained it beautifully. Chronic DPD caused by trauma is a subset of the disorder I don't here enough of in many posts and videos I've run across. I hope to hear more from you. I am a much older and long time sufferer of this disorder. I only wish I had discovered a name for my disorder like you have at your age. Not that it makes it any easier for you but you have youth and time on your side for what that is worth. Take care for now.


Also, if you or anyone can direct me to similar stories and people with our particular experience I would appreciate. I had consistent chaos and trauma for many years as a child growing up. My parents were a mess, stepfather an alchoholic and physically abusive. That is just small part of it but I don't want to bore everyone with the details at this point. I need to know how long time sufferers of abuse and chaos in their lives are doing. I somehow think we need a different approach to our DPD. Thanks.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Jamby said:


> Also, if you or anyone can direct me to similar stories and people with our particular experience I would appreciate. I had consistent chaos and trauma for many years as a child growing up. My parents were a mess, stepfather an alchoholic and physically abusive. That is just small part of it but I don't want to bore everyone with the details at this point. I need to know how long time sufferers of abuse and chaos in their lives are doing. I somehow think we need a different approach to our DPD. Thanks.


Jamby,

I did not get my DP because of the same issues as you or Caffeina, however, I have heard that a specific type of therapy called EMDR works best for resolving issues regarding trauma through rapid eye movement. Please look into this as I have heard many success stories with it.


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

Jamby said:


> Also, if you or anyone can direct me to similar stories and people with our particular experience I would appreciate. I had consistent chaos and trauma for many years as a child growing up. My parents were a mess, stepfather an alchoholic and physically abusive. That is just small part of it but I don't want to bore everyone with the details at this point. I need to know how long time sufferers of abuse and chaos in their lives are doing. I somehow think we need a different approach to our DPD. Thanks.


Thanks for replying my post. I thought too that here is not so many DP/DR stories about traumatic childhood so I wanted to share mine. Its hard to relate DP/DR caused about drugs for example. Thanks too about saying that I explained that beautifully. Its really hard to be proud of anything, atleast I now try.

I'm just wondering how old you are while you have noticed this state in later age. And you have had this state long. I'm so happy that my boyfriend found this forums. Now I just need to know which part of my "personality" is really DP/DR like for example I think if just slow minded and stupid while I can't follow some conversation normally. Would be nice If you can share your experiences about your childhood, how you have managed to live in this state and how you noticed this in the first place. In my situation, I don't have any anger or hate about my childhood. I have accepted it as it was. I have some times even thought that if I could change my childhood I would not want to change it. Although it messed my head, made me depressed and killed my self-esteem, I would be so much different person. The bad situation with my parents helped me to see all the things which make relationships to go down and what are the things which you should not never do to another person. Atleast I'm happy that I won't ever treat people like my parents did to me.

I really would love to hear your story with all the details in it. I think it would help me a lot and I would give you some another perspective of thinking about the DP/DR and traumatic childhood. Its same time nice and sad to know that there is another people who had almost the same situation as I did. You should be proud that you are still alive


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## Jamby (Jun 17, 2012)

Caffaina said:


> Thanks for replying my post. I thought too that here is not so many DP/DR stories about traumatic childhood so I wanted to share mine. Its hard to relate DP/DR caused about drugs for example. Thanks too about saying that I explained that beautifully. Its really hard to be proud of anything, atleast I now try.
> 
> I'm just wondering how old you are while you have noticed this state in later age. And you have had this state long. I'm so happy that my boyfriend found this forums. Now I just need to know which part of my "personality" is really DP/DR like for example I think if just slow minded and stupid while I can't follow some conversation normally. Would be nice If you can share your experiences about your childhood, how you have managed to live in this state and how you noticed this in the first place. In my situation, I don't have any anger or hate about my childhood. I have accepted it as it was. I have some times even thought that if I could change my childhood I would not want to change it. Although it messed my head, made me depressed and killed my self-esteem, I would be so much different person. The bad situation with my parents helped me to see all the things which make relationships to go down and what are the things which you should not never do to another person. Atleast I'm happy that I won't ever treat people like my parents did to me.
> 
> I really would love to hear your story with all the details in it. I think it would help me a lot and I would give you some another perspective of thinking about the DP/DR and traumatic childhood. Its same time nice and sad to know that there is another people who had almost the same situation as I did. You should be proud that you are still alive


I'll try to tell a little of the story and answer your questions. I am 57 years old and have suffered from the condition probably from the time is was a small child, maybe 5 or six but probably more significantly when I was about nine years old. Growing up I just never thought about seeking help because I had mentors along the way who simply taught that through prayer and determination one could overcome anything in life. I was scolded for being so moody and depressed as if it were my own fault. Daydreaming and forgetfullness were just thought to be character flaws not something that was a sympton of something greater. So seeking help or even thinking that there was something wrong with me was not acceptable. Psychological counseling were thought to be for people with obvious and severe mental illness. My almost complete emotional numbness and lack of feeling was probably more gradual and has really became severe in my later years.

You have said several times that you are not sure whether you would change your childhood because you would be a completely different person. I have thought that many times mostly when I was younger. What we survive makes us stronger and gives us unique perspectives. It gives us both personality traits that people really like and some that are not liked. Your statement about not wanting to change what happened to you reminds me of me when I was your age or younger so much. I guess the fact is you can't change what happened to you even if you wanted to makes looking at a positive side of the experience a good thing.

My story in brief is parents divorce at five years old and complete abandonment by my father, my mothers marriage to a raging achoholic when I was nine years old that lasted about 4 years, my mother basically living like a prostitute and leaving us to take care of ourselves a lot, a lot of domestic violence and chaos between my mom her husband and some boyfriends, and sexual abuse. Ultimate betrayal by a mentor who was guiding me in my high school years topped off everything. I have had periods in college and my young adult life when things were better but the emotional detachment was still there. Today, it is worse than ever for me. Pride in survival is a good thing but it only carries one so far. Having someone who understands what you are going through and acknowledges it I think would be a great help. I don't have that right now.

Let me rewind a little bit. One of the things that has led me to discovering DP has been the fact that I have had some couseling in the last three or four years. The counseling was for issues with someone in my past that I had to resolve. One of the things that he said in therapy was that some of my behaviour was dissociative. He never called it DP. Only that I was engaging in dissociative behavior to escape problems rather than face them so to speak. And like all people with DP, we obsess about our condition and during one of my google searches about dissociation I came across DP.

A bought a book called "Overcoming Depersonalizaton Disorder: A Mindfullness and Acceptance Guide.....". It was written for me. In confirmed everything for me.

Well, that is about all I can handle at one time. Thanks for your reply and interest. I will talk to you again soon.


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

Jamby said:


> I'll try to tell a little of the story and answer your questions. I am 57 years old and have suffered from the condition probably from the time is was a small child, maybe 5 or six but probably more significantly when I was about nine years old. Growing up I just never thought about seeking help because I had mentors along the way who simply taught that through prayer and determination one could overcome anything in life. I was scolded for being so moody and depressed as if it were my own fault. Daydreaming and forgetfullness were just thought to be character flaws not something that was a sympton of something greater. So seeking help or even thinking that there was something wrong with me was not acceptable. Psychological counseling were thought to be for people with obvious and severe mental illness. My almost complete emotional numbness and lack of feeling was probably more gradual and has really became severe in my later years.
> 
> You have said several times that you are not sure whether you would change your childhood because you would be a completely different person. I have thought that many times mostly when I was younger. What we survive makes us stronger and gives us unique perspectives. It gives us both personality traits that people really like and some that are not liked. Your statement about not wanting to change what happened to you reminds me of me when I was your age or younger so much. I guess the fact is you can't change what happened to you even if you wanted to makes looking at a positive side of the experience a good thing.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I have quite similar ways what I was thinking when I was younger. Like that everything is my fault and I'm just moron or feeble-minded. I still think that I'm weak with my mind but I have started to teach myself that its just DP/DR what is making me like this, it is not my persona which is messed up. And you said "Daydreaming and forgetfullness were just thought to be character flaws not something that was a sympton of something greater." I have exactly same experience. That is why I didn't get help or I didn't even know that I need help. It was life changing moment when I got a boyfriend which noticed all the messed up things about me. He was the one who made me go to psychologist because of depression. I didn't believe him fist and it was really hard me to talk about to go psychologist because I have learned to think that you are seriously mental sick if you go there. But now I'm really glad that he helped me to accept that I need help. This sounds really forcing but it wasn't like that. It took me one year to figure out that I have problems. Now my anxiety and depression is weaker than 4 years ago when I started to see psychologist, but DP/DR is the same in this day.

You wrote that "you wanted to makes looking at a positive side of the experience a good thing". I agree with that. I have always tried to think that in every thing there is a positive side. And if I would have "normal" childhood, I think I would be cocky. I didn't have sexual abuse so maybe thats why its easier to me to think that I wouldn't change my childhood. I had just extreme verbal abuse and treatment like I'm not a human being. Parents repress my own will and If I tried to have some argument about their treatment, it made the verbal abuse even worser. I still think that I have lower value of humanity than anybody else, while my boyfriend always says that is not right, he cares me more than anybody else. I still can't internalize that although I really want to.

You said that your counselor said that you have dissociative behavior, what is near to DP/DR as far as I know. When I said to my psychotherapist about DP/DR, she haven't even heard about this. It was totally new for her. Its quite sad, because they can't help me about D#P/DR while they don't know even what is it. They can just help me with my depression. Would be so nice to get some real treatment just for DP/DR but in Finland you can't get it.

I think I need to check that book what you mentioned. I think there is not translation to Finnish but maybe I can understand in English too. If it confirmed everything for you, so maybe it helps me to understand this state even more. Feels like I still don't know enough about this disorder. It is really nice to talk with you about this "fucking life consuming blackhole disorder" as it is written in The Holy Grail of Curing DP/DR post.


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## Jamby (Jun 17, 2012)

Caffaina said:


> Thanks for the reply. I have quite similar ways what I was thinking when I was younger. Like that everything is my fault and I'm just moron or feeble-minded. I still think that I'm weak with my mind but I have started to teach myself that its just DP/DR what is making me like this, it is not my persona which is messed up. And you said "Daydreaming and forgetfullness were just thought to be character flaws not something that was a sympton of something greater." I have exactly same experience. That is why I didn't get help or I didn't even know that I need help. It was life changing moment when I got a boyfriend which noticed all the messed up things about me. He was the one who made me go to psychologist because of depression. I didn't believe him fist and it was really hard me to talk about to go psychologist because I have learned to think that you are seriously mental sick if you go there. But now I'm really glad that he helped me to accept that I need help. This sounds really forcing but it wasn't like that. It took me one year to figure out that I have problems. Now my anxiety and depression is weaker than 4 years ago when I started to see psychologist, but DP/DR is the same in this day.
> 
> You wrote that "you wanted to makes looking at a positive side of the experience a good thing". I agree with that. I have always tried to think that in every thing there is a positive side. And if I would have "normal" childhood, I think I would be cocky. I didn't have sexual abuse so maybe thats why its easier to me to think that I wouldn't change my childhood. I had just extreme verbal abuse and treatment like I'm not a human being. Parents repress my own will and If I tried to have some argument about their treatment, it made the verbal abuse even worser. I still think that I have lower value of humanity than anybody else, while my boyfriend always says that is not right, he cares me more than anybody else. I still can't internalize that although I really want to.
> 
> ...


Hi again. You can get the book I mentioned in electronic form. I have it in my Kindle app for my iPad. My counselor understands DP to an extent but it is not an expertise for him. He uses Cognitive Behanvior Therapy (CBT) which is considered good for DP but I think it would be better if the counselor thouroughly understood DP and felt strongly about it. To address one of your comments, despite some sexual abuse I still hold the experiences that shaped me as a youth valuable in a lot of respects. I really don't think we should have had to go through with what we experienced but we cannot change it. It was not our choosing. You know, talking about it to someone who has experienced what you have experienced is kind of like CBT. Part of CBT is finding the posltive outlook of something one is usually negative about. Writing you today has me experiencing a slight lifting of the veil. Those times are rare for me these days.

Try to get the book if you can. The book has another approach to DPD rather than strictly CBT. They call it ACT. I am just starting to try and understand it now to see if it will work for me. I'll keep you posted.


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## lauzdp (May 31, 2012)

I haven't read the whole of this post but just wanted to say have you been on depersonalizationrecovery.com? Although mine isn't quite as severe as yours I'm sure its worth a try. I'm going through his program at the moment and if you can keep up with it, it makes a TON of sense to me. None of this is your fault, you have the potential to be happy! You will find this hard to believe, I'm slowly starting to realize we can be happy.

Anyways hope it goes well for you


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

Jamby said:


> Hi again. You can get the book I mentioned in electronic form. I have it in my Kindle app for my iPad. My counselor understands DP to an extent but it is not an expertise for him. He uses Cognitive Behanvior Therapy (CBT) which is considered good for DP but I think it would be better if the counselor thouroughly understood DP and felt strongly about it. To address one of your comments, despite some sexual abuse I still hold the experiences that shaped me as a youth valuable in a lot of respects. I really don't think we should have had to go through with what we experienced but we cannot change it. It was not our choosing. You know, talking about it to someone who has experienced what you have experienced is kind of like CBT. Part of CBT is finding the posltive outlook of something one is usually negative about. Writing you today has me experiencing a slight lifting of the veil. Those times are rare for me these days.
> 
> Try to get the book if you can. The book has another approach to DPD rather than strictly CBT. They call it ACT. I am just starting to try and understand it now to see if it will work for me. I'll keep you posted.


Thanks again for replying. I can say to my psychologist about that CBT but I think she won't do any acts to it. They have their own way to solve these problems and if they don't even know DP/RD I won't keep my hopes too high that they would concentrate just for DP/DR. I think I'll try to get that book, maybe it helps me to recover. It would be nice to feel for the first time of my life to be real and in the moment. I hope you keep posting, its nice to write with you


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

lauzdp said:


> I haven't read the whole of this post but just wanted to say have you been on depersonalizationrecovery.com? Although mine isn't quite as severe as yours I'm sure its worth a try. I'm going through his program at the moment and if you can keep up with it, it makes a TON of sense to me. None of this is your fault, you have the potential to be happy! You will find this hard to believe, I'm slowly starting to realize we can be happy.
> 
> Anyways hope it goes well for you


Thanks for replying. I won't mind that you didn't read it all, there is maybe too much info to be focused of. I have heard about that website, and actually I'm going to get that program and try use it. I compared it with Lindens method and I thought that Depersonalization Recovery method is just for me. At least the guy in the video tells many examples which I have personally had in my childhood and this day. I really hope that it helps me to understand this disorder and get over it. I just can't imagine how it would be feel to be real and in the moment. I have always wondered how it feels to be "normal" state. I hope you keep posting how it is affecting you. And if it does anything or what ever it makes you feel it would be nice to hear. I wish you a good luck! I hope you defeat DP/DR


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## Jamby (Jun 17, 2012)

lauzdp said:


> I haven't read the whole of this post but just wanted to say have you been on depersonalizationrecovery.com? Although mine isn't quite as severe as yours I'm sure its worth a try. I'm going through his program at the moment and if you can keep up with it, it makes a TON of sense to me. None of this is your fault, you have the potential to be happy! You will find this hard to believe, I'm slowly starting to realize we can be happy.
> 
> Anyways hope it goes well for you


His explanations in his video are surely impressive. Did you do any research on his background? I am assuming he is not a psychologist but he certainly seems to have done his resesarch. Trying it out is tempting. I went through the site again and I noticed something odd. I couldn't find his name anywhere I looked so far.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

hey I'm sorry to hear your story









I can relate to you, although I think you may have suffered even more emotional abuse then I did my mother wasent horrible she was more smothering and used me for her own emotional needs...dad was the tyrant ... ur parents both sound like tyrants that is horrible









How is your twin sister by the way does she have the same as you do and are you still in contact with her?

can I ask what are you doing about your DP? I can say that I don't have panic attacks and anxiety anymore although I still feel quite numb and disconnected from my body and detached from society :/

what sort of treatment have you been doing or considered doing?

xxx


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## Caffi (May 3, 2012)

missjess said:


> hey I'm sorry to hear your story
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for replying and sorry for this late time to answer, but better later than ever. Its horrible to hear that you have similar life story.. I really don't hope that even for enemies. I'm contacting my sister, she though have so bad situation in physically way so she can't think about these things. She have a lot of pain and she traveled from Finland to Poland to get help. She says that she don't have DP but I'm not sure is that true or not. I didn't know that I had it before my boyfriend found this. At least she said that when she don't have physically pain anymore, she will get help for her mind. I think she didn't take the childhood same as me but she is quite distressed and socially odd. I just hope that she gets help from Poland while in Finland they didn't wanted to help her.

In my DP/DR situation, it's going for better treatment. I have visited psychologist about 5 years now, ( although some of them have been terrible ) and I have been quite good one for about 2 years. She got me to see psychiatrist and he said that I would need some better treatment for my DP/DR. He told me that I have Dissociative disorders and I have now been in some psychologist which made me many many tests in persona, memory and so on. After that when the "tester" made all her tests, she said I should need to see private psychologist and I could get help for the bill by social insurance institution of Finland. I should see the private one like 3 times a week for one or more years, and one time costs like 20 euros ( 25.9 US dollars) after the institutions help. I don't know what will happen, now while I just got the results. I don't have money for it but my own psychologist will tell me all the options what I have to pay the bill. The treatment is intensive, its really often and If ( I would never ) won't appear for the treatment, I have to pay the full price. I know that it will be really hard if I get in the treatment but I can't stand anymore in this DP/DR situation where noting feel anything and nothing feels real. I don't recognize myself as a person or if I feel pain or anything, its like its happening for someone else than me.

I wrote that I feel little bit better and that is true. After I started to recognize DP/DR and dissociative disorders in my thinking and act, I have got little bit better. And the test showed me that I have good memory and I'm creative, I have good cognitive thinking. My thought were totally the opposite of myself. I have noticed that I have stared to think another way of myself while the tests have shown I have better cognitive thinking than normal people while I have DP/DR making it little bit down. Its like abandoning your mainstay. There I have been one time when I started to feel something at my boyfriend for so long. While I got little bit better, all my emotions went totally numb. It was so odd to feel another feelings than stressing, depression and DP/DR.

What the psychiatrist said that my brains have grown wrong and I need radical treatment to change my brains. I think you have the same situation, while you have been similar childhood. It is not easy to "change" your brains but it is possible if you just want it. I have just noticed that when I have learned what is messed up in my head and what is made by disorders, it helps really really much. You start to notice things what you thought what was build in you ( like feeling stupid, lazyness )and what is made by disorder, my mental health have got little bit better in time.

Heh this is a long answer but I hope I answered your questions


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