# Advice please..



## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Now, this is a bit delicate, and unusually for such a big-headed know-it-all, I'm quite unsure what to do.

I've recently met a rather delightful Australian lady, who I am really quite attached to. I haven't even told her lies, which makes a change, with regards to my leaukemia. She didn't bat an eylid. She's lovely. She even said, incredibly, that she loves me....after a month. But hey, that's inevitable... :wink: And no, she's not a no-brain bimbo..she's a hugely intelligent teacher, trusting (she let me house-sit for me while she was away for a week at a friends wedding) generous, funny...everything I want. And I do want her. But here's the problem.

She has a house mate, who has, let's say - serious, serious problems. I don't know the in's and out's of it, and I don't want to, but to cut a long story short - he suffers from anxiety, severe social panic, anger, frustration...etc. It took a while for him to open up to me (because, although he has been very welcoming and we, when he hasn't been going loopy, had a laugh together, she told me (via a friend) that apparently he love's this girl has well. It's not mutal, I assure you.

Anyway, when he opened up to me I gave him the only advise I could give. I told him, as I tell everyone on this board, to get help quickly. So after my girlfriend and I nagged him, he went to see his GP who promptly put him on Mitrazapine (a new SSRI I think) and a short course of Diazepam, and he has weekly CBT. Now - as well all know, SSRI's take a good 2 - 3 weeks to kick in, and in the meantime, you actually feel worse. And it has. He kept threatening to stop taking them because he felt so ill etc, and apparently went bonkers the other night, crying, threating to end it all etc. I've told him, and I told my girlfriend, that he's just got to stick with it until the effects wear in. I also told him, that if he doesn't, and stops attending therapy, he will be promptly dropped to the bottom of the mental health priority list. What else can I say?

I now feel a little awkward, no, really quite awkward going to visit her now. He knows this. I don't know if it's deliberate, I'm not sure. She keeps telling me that it's not our burdon, and it's our life, but....still....I dunno.

What do you think? I get the feeling that it doesn't matter who he was living with, he'd fall in love with them. I feel like I'm in the way, although he has never said that to me. In fact, to give him credit, he has said to my girlfriend that he hopes he doesn't make me feel awkward. He does, but I assured him otherwise. I don't know his intentions. I 'feel', deep down, that he is a decent man, and he certainly hasn't threatened or 'done' anything to me, but.....I dunno. I think he's confused. Does any of this make sense?


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Not sure what advice you are looking for exactly, but it appears as though you are handling it the best you can given the difficult circumstances.

He does sound confused, but listen to your girlfriend...she's right, it isn't either of your burden. Make sure your girlfriend knows how you feel about it all, that it makes you feel awkward, but don't let it affect your relationship with her...it sounds like you are onto something really good there Martin (maybe I'm biased because she's from OZ :wink: ).

Sounds like you have given him some good advice...at the end of the day that's all you can really do...you couldn't possibly know what his true intentions are as it sounds as though he doesn't know or understand them himself.

Do you think he is a danger to your girlfriend? Does she?

Trust your intuition Martin.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Oh great...someone else i know has found the woman of their dreams.  Always a bride's maid, i tell you.

You do seem like you're handling it the write way, and i agree with Epiphany...trust your intuition. I'm sure you can judge for yourself the difference between a specious show of deferrence and a legitimate acceptance of your relationship with his roommate. He most likely seethes with jealousy and hatred of you when he sees the two of you together, but i'm sure it's nothing personal.

We men are a wretched lot.

s.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Thanks guys. And I'm morbidly satisfied that I've made my great friend Sebastian jealous. I will sleep happily tonight. 8)



> Do you think he is a danger to your girlfriend? Does she?


I have thought about it. His entire conversation revolves around how many fights he's had, and so on. But a stiff wind would knock him over, he's a bag of bones, and even in my emancipated state, I could hold him down with one hand. But yes, it does play on my mind a little. He never has done anything to physically hurt her, and deep down, I know he is a decent man, so weighing up the odds, I don't think he would. If he did, or any other man, I would kill him stone dead, mental illness or not.

But anyway, whoa - we had a major set-to the other night. I came down and he was absolutely smashed out of his head. He was seething with rage, telling me and my girlfriend how much he hated everyone and everything, how worthless he feels....etc. We did the usual reassurance talk, but he wasn't listening. Then he basically blacked out, and we had to carry him up to bed. I then sat with him for an hour to make out he didn't vomit in his sleep, then thought, bollocks to it, and let him sleep it off.

The next day, he was absolutely mortified. He was burning with guilt. Shaking with remorse - literally. I can tell when people are lying, and he wasn't. He spent the whole evening apologising and tripping overhimself to be helpful.

Sigh. But anyway - we'll see. I'm not scared off him, and neither is my girlfriend. And it's tough s**t if he's jealous.

But yes - he's not our burdon. My girlfriend has washed her hands of him, or rather his behaviour. When he starts playing up, she just tells him to f-off. Otherwise, we just treat him like anyone else. He, like everyone else, has to take responsibility for his actions. If what happened the other night happens again, then I'm just going to ring the emergency services and hope that might knock some sense into him. Other than that, and I know it sounds harse - he's just noise. But when/if he get's better, I'm sure we'll get along fine. Maybe even be friends.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Martinelv said:


> I have thought about it. His entire conversation revolves around how many fights he's had, and so on. But a stiff wind would knock him over, he's a bag of bones, and even in my *emancipated* state, I could hold him down with one hand.


Oh really, Martin? Were you recently liberated from an English prison or some other sort of physical or spiritual confinement???HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOLLOLOLOLLOLOLO 
ROFLMAO 
ROFLMAO
ROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAO
ROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAOROFLMAO 
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

Oh, I got you good there, didn't I? Eh? Eh? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
HAHAHAHAHA...you meant to say EMACIATED...and you said...hahahah...you said, EMANCIPATED. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh God...that's soooooooooooooooo funny!!!!!

Umm...yeah...so...anyway...

sorry about all that. I really need to get a new job.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Hahahahaha...seb. You have had me laughing for a good half hour or so over this.

And I just started up all over again after finally working out what ROLFMAO meant.

Hahahahaha...


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

I had the impression the dillemma is that you actually care about this man?! It?s a complicated situation.

Of course all adults have to take responsibility for themselves. But he clearly needs help. And for the moment, you girlf is living with him so is sort of thrust into the situation of taking at least *some* responsibility for him - you can?t deny that because it was you two that took care of him the other day!

The best advice I could give is to help him to help himself. I think the issue of him liking your lass is the least of the problems, by the sound of it. You can?t help that, and once he has seen you and your girlfriend hold your ground, he won?t have any place to disagree with it - he will have to get used to your being together and should hopefully let it go sooner rather than later.

The question is, how can you help him to help himself?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Without trying to lie, Sebatian, I really thought you'd appreciate the pun on emancipated. Sigh. But then again, you could be right, and I've lost the ability to use big words. :lol: You're just tring to pick holes in my literary genuis because I'm riding the carnal carousel and you ain't. Yes? Yes?



> The question is, how can you help him to help himself?


Good questiong Miss Starling. I can only offer him the advice that I used myself to recover from DR/DP, and the 'advice' that I offer to people on this board. But there is only so much you can say. People have to listen, and act on the advice. This bloke isn't. So what can we do?


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Martinelv said:


> But there is only so much you can say. People have to listen, and act on the advice. This bloke isn't. So what can we do?


I know what you mean, in my experience it is often the people that need help the most who can be the most resistant to accepting any help. I really don?t know what to suggest - it depends on what his underlying problems are, what his behaviour is and how much it impinges on yours and your girlfriend?s day to day life.

You may be in with a chance if:
-He admits he needs help
-Can see that his behaviour is troublesome to others
-Has the potential for self-control
-Is willing to do anything to set things right

If any of those are missing, you might have a bit of a problem. 
On the otherhand if him and his issues don?t bother you _that_ much, you could just go with the flow.

How bad is it?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Well, he is getting help. He is taking his medication and has stopped drinking.

But we've both decided he's just a git. He left a note out for us the other day saying that we are both being inconsiderate (coming home - once, at 11pm, and making no noise whatsoever).....blah blah blah. His intentions are obvious. He's trying to drive a wedge between me and my girlfriend. It's so deliberate it's almost funny. I don't give a s**t, and neither does she. I don't bother talking to him anymore, because he just grunts in reply. Not just to me, but to both of us.

He's lost all his friends, much like me, and probably, much like me, has somekind of personality disorder. But, and this is my only saving grace, I still manage to be civil, and act - on the face of it, normal.

Che-sera sera.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Martin, 
I know that type too well - but what are you going to do? You can see that their ill behavior is due to their internal unwellness and pain, and yet, they do things to hurt you. How can you help someone who bites the hand that feeds them? My advice is try to help him how you would wish to be helped. But thats it. Dont "invest" yourself in him. His attempts to drive a wedge will certainly not work, because as is the case with most people, the more dysfunctional they are, the more transparent their intentions. Its just a hurt child acting out. Incidentally, I thought it great that you actually gave him advice. Keep using your humanist -ahem! moral - heart, and people in your life, and you, will continue improving, always. First and foremost, though, take care of yourself.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Homeskooled said:


> First and foremost, though, take care of yourself.


Completely agree. 
Actually, I just thought I'd post because this git at work, for want of a better term, has been agrivating me. He is a fragile seeming person too, and I have been so nice to him. He apparently doesn't eat much because he doesn't know how to manage his finances. I have offered him some advice on that in an unintrusive way, and frequently offer him food. 
For a while, I was slightly annoyed by the way he was addressing me, as if he was taking the micky. But *this week*, goodness me, he has gone on and on and on, harassing me with inappropriate questions designed to get to me. He comes across as generally immature, clown-like, cannot take _anything_ seriously. It seems like it is his defense. But it is very transparent and I have longed to hear him speak with my honestly, without all this clowning around.

Things came to a crunch today when I asked him to be removed from the desk in front of me and said I would complain if he didn't stop taking the mick. Ooooh, how I relish in how uneffected I was by his final attack - his declaration that I am the most abnormal person he has ever met. I simply said I was comfortable with that.

Thankfully for me, I was 100% supported by the people around, who regard him as a fool. It's the first time I have felt backed up in a situation where I have had someone picking holes in me. I actually felt a bit guilty when the poor boy went home. I projected onto him my own lonliness and futility, despair at being a misfit. I don't like the idea of _anybody_ suffering with those feelings that I have had all my life, not even my worst enemy.

So I'm just trying to say that it's so easy to feel guilty and responsible for people, but those people that really suck are those who will use that kindness of yours time and time again to try and attack you!! You have to protect yourself from that.

All week, I have always listened and payed attention when this boy was saying horrible things to me like "have you ever kissed a girl" and "are you a maneater". Although I did not reply to some of these things, I acted with the utmost tolerance, and he shat on me again and again.

Ironically he is not far wrong that I have issues with being attracted to too many men and occassionally women to, but I just couldn't understand how he could have known that. Maybe it is a lesson for me? Though I couldn't guess how...at the mo I am so not into all that. The attraction to a girl was momentary, and I have decided to abstain from anything to do with men until I am wooed by someone...which is probably going to be a very long time judging by the way I look at the moment.

When it comes to this guy, I just know I can't communicate with him anymore. He is going to get a formal warning from the manager at work, and will hopefully find remorse in his heart and say sorry to me for how incredibly disrespectful he has been of me. Even then I am afraid to let him into my concerns again because I know I will be hurt. It's awful that - the people you want to help the most are usually the hardest to help. It's sod's law.

By the way, I take it you are back with your girlf? Go on son. Good luck to you both. Sounds like you are weathering it just fine. I guess you should just be pleased your girlf isn't having to handle him on her own now.


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