# DP Saved my Life



## carolined15 (Apr 23, 2014)

Hi everyone...this is going to be a lengthy post, but if you have the time, please sit and read it. I hope it helps you.

I am going to start from the beginning, and give you an in-depth analysis of my story, recovery, and what you can do to recover.

Last summer I began a long-distance relationship. When we were together, it was bliss. However, being apart from him made me extremely anxious (he lived in London, I live in NY). Plus, he wasn't very attentive-he didn't like to text, and he wasn't much of a Skype person. I, on the other hand, love to talk and be open about my emotions. Because of his starkness, I was always trying to forge this connection between the two of us that he was witholding from. I'm not sure if he was afraid, but I think a lot of it had to do with his family obligations which he kept a secret most of the time.

I went to visit him for two-and a half weeks in January. We were together all of the time-meals, sleeping, sex-basically we were living in a total fantasy, and for some reason his starkness was manageable and made him all the more appealing to me.

When I left London, I was heartbroken. I remember crying on the plane ride home, scared that I would never see him again. When I got home, I booked my plane ticket to see him in March because that's when I was off from school. I was so set on seeing him, and I was trying to CONTROL our relationship by assuring that it would last.

As the weeks went on, he became more and more distant, and this worried me. I obsessed over this, and I tried to CONTROL our relationship by confronting the issue; however, his responses were usually futile and it seemed as though he didn't care. That's when the anxiety set in.

After we had an argument via Skype one night in February, I had this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that refused to cease. In the days the passed, it turned into an angry monster of depression, and tired nerves. I had no idea what was happening to me, and I thought I was becoming insane. Eating, walking, and taking a shower became a chore. I was disgusted with myself. Moreover, I was so confused. I thought I had everything under CONTROL.

In a panic, I went to my school counselor who gave me Klonopin and zoloft. This made me feel WORSE-I was now jittery and lethargic at the same time. I was walking in a fog, literally in a state of constant panic and anxiety. It was a sad but strengthening experience.

My boyfriend had no idea what was going on, and this just proves how disconnected he was from our relationship. I was in no position to travel to see him in March, so I told him I was "sick" and couldn't come. (He broke up with me in April because he "had to go to Africa to train to be in his father's business"-later on he told me he went to Law School in London. LOL. I'm confused too.)

Anyway, I began to go to therapy and that helped-I really connected to my therapist and she helped me a lot. However, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was always anxious and always felt "out of it." One night, when I was sitting on the couch, I had a crazy thought-"What if nothing is real?" Oh my goodness. For the following eight months I was a trainwreck of agony. I was sure I was mentally insane and developing schizophrenia. I obsessed about every existential thought you can think of. The lowest point was when I spent an afternoon in the emergency room-my counselor was afraid that I may kill myself because "I couldn't prove that anything is real" and "if nothing is real, why live?" Sitting next to a psychotic patient, I knew that I wasn't psychotic. I was just very lost.

During the following months, I struggled to finish my senior year at New York University. I thought I would feel amazing when I would graduate from the school of my dreams, but instead the obsession with questioning reality was taking over my life. I watched many youtube videos and hoped to get a quick fix, but what I learned was that TIME is the best healer. Also, meditation forced me to sit with my negative emotions and realize the everything is REAL. But my anxiety was holding me a prisoner.

Some amazing books helped me along the way-I know I couldn't have come through without Paul David's "At Last a Life" and "DP Manaul" by Shaun O'Connor. PLEASE GET THE AUDIO VERSION OF THIS! IT TRULY GAVE ME HOPE AND SAVED ME LIFE!

As the summer began, I was still anxious and questioning reality, but I had the ego strength to make it through the day. At first, I got through by sheer force. Slowly, living got easier and I kept up with my therapist (still do) on a weekly basis.

However, I was feeling extremely tired and depressed, and most days I found it difficult to leave my bed. On my graduation day, I told my parents in tears that I did not have the strength to go. They were devastated and upset with me, and I can't blame them. I'd been dealing with crippling anxiety for six months, and I know they were sick of it (but internally they were terrified at what was happening to me.)

They decided to take me to the Emergency Room, and it was there that they discovered a lump on my throat. For the next month or so I was sent for biopsies and sonograms, and found out that I had thyroid cancer.

After the diagnosis I went into a sort of "survival mode"-I pushed through my anxieties and in a weird way I was grateful for the diagnosis. There is a part of me that thinks all of this happened for a reason, and had it not happened, the cancer could have spread and become more serious.

I had a thyroidectomy last month, and as of now am cancer free. I feel great, but I occasionally experience anxiety and DP thoughts; however, they are fleeting. This is because they are feelings, and feelings pass. I continue to meditate daily, and see my therapist once per week.

I think the biggest takeaway from this experience is to PUSH THROUGH. I know some days it seems impossible to do so, sometimes the concept of strange philosophical questions get us down. It sucks, and I'm sorry. But I also know that there is a piece of you, albeit small, that is telling you to MOVE ON. That's your ego, and that strength will never diminish. Please follow it. When you come out of this, you will be a new person. I'm sure of it.


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2014)

Thank you for sharing your story.

It has given me a lot to think about and reflect upon.

And whether that life is real or not?

My answer is, it is presenting itself as real, so I must approach it as if it were, even if it is not.

Don't forget to smile and laugh


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