# My DP Story (quite long) but ty for reading if you get to the end :)



## danerry (Apr 27, 2013)

Hello everybody,

This is my first post on this forum & will probably be my longest! I'll just start off with where I am at the present moment with my DP and go into a bit of detail of how I developed it & what I am doing to overcome it.

So I have been dealing with depersonalisation roughly for over a year now. Unlike many stories I have read, my DP was *NOT *brought on by any type of drug use but by exposure to long term stress. I can trace the roots of my DP back to when I was training to be a teacher in 2010-2011 & when I had my first ever panic attack. I had never taught before & I was constantly apprehensive standing in front of a class of 30 pupils & stuttering my way through a 40 minute class. I used to be sick with worry going into a lesson always fearing the worst (that the class would fall apart or that the kids would dislike me or not learn anything from my lesson). I could hardly sleep most nights just thinking about inspections, essay deadlines, difficult classes constantly bombarding myself with negative thoughts. I thought I was a terrible at my job & that I would never be as good as any of my colleagues, I was very self-conscious of how I came across to them & was afraid to show any weakness in front of them. I would often become tongue tied and was not able to maintain a conversation even though I constantly putting pressure on myself to be chatty and funny.

It was roughly about 6 & half months into my teacher training where my brain finally just went into overload & I experienced my first panic attack. I was chatting to a friend on Facebook one evening & out of nowhere I remember my vision going all blurry and static, my head became lightheaded & dizzy & it felt like the room was spinning, I broke into a cold sweat & then it passed. I was just stunned & confused at what had happened to me. After that evening I felt different. I was so much more aware of my thinking & what I was saying to people it freaked me out. My thinking was rapid and there was thoughts constantly flying around in my head I couldn't keep up with myself, this added to my worry and I just began to slowly feel uneasy around people but still felt my emotions and was connected to my surroundings.

That summer once completing my teacher training I went to New York for the summer to work in a summer camp. It was my first time living away from home by myself & I was working with people who I didn't know and again this fuelled my anxiety. I was extremely self-conscious around people and my thinking was very inward. Most days I felt like somebody was sitting on my chest and felt very uneasy for most of the time I was there. Towards the end of my summer in New York I finally managed to feel comfortable & had actually developed a lot of confidence and really felt good about myself, the job I had done & the friend I had made. When I returned to Ireland I had a few days at home and then I was off again, this time to work in a high school in Madrid for a year.

Looking back at my time in Madrid (aug2011-jul2012) it was a one of regret but also one of pride. I moved to Madrid to work in a bilingual high school without having any Spanish whatsoever! I had very few friends in Madrid and I was quite a lonely time if im being honest. There was another Irish person who was working in Madrid as well so we stuck together, I was also close with my Spanish flatmate and we use to go out most weekends drinking. Again I don't think Madrid was the best environment for me to be when I was dealing with anxiety. The massive difference in culture, language, food etc. it just overwhelmed me. Also the fact Spain was probably going through one of its worst economic depressions didn't help the atmosphere & the moral of the people. The Spanish teachers I worked alongside were not happy about their government hiring Irish teachers who they felt were stealing Spanish jobs. I could see their point but still it wasn't the nicest welcome to receive when you arrive in a new job & in the end I had to move schools because some teachers had threatened to resign their post.

The stress of fitting in, finding a place to live, opening a bank account & adapting to the Spanish way led me to become an emotional wreck. I missed my parents so much, my friends, just being home in familiar surroundings. So I turned to alcohol, getting messed up every weekend, eating all the wrong things and feeling completely shit about myself. I had one night stands with girls I didn't care about, some without protection & I ended up contracting an STI. I even thought I had contracted HIV at one stage. I had to get several blood tests over an 8 month period to until I finally got the all clear it was during this period where my DP began to emerge. I felt so scared, alone & depressed, ashamed of my behaviour & I was barley coping, it got to the point where I questioned would I be better off dead. My anxiety got so bad that I was afraid to go to sleep, every time I closed my eyes I could see flashes of stranger's faces that would cause waves of panic attacks & intense fear; there was literally no escape, I thought I was losing my mind. I was lucky if I got an hours sleep most nights and then I had to drag my ass out of bed and go & work in an environment where I was not wanted or respected. The only thing that kept me going was teaching the kids, it served as a distraction from my worries and gave me some satisfaction that I was doing good job as I got on well with all of my classes.

When I look back at my time in Spain and the things I put myself through, there is no wonder why my brain literally shut down on me, I was running on fumes, constantly battering my mind with negative thoughts & worry, it finally said enough is enough and I dissociated. I clearly remember teaching one day in class speaking to my pupils but at the same time having a full blown conversation with myself in my mind , nothing felt real, it was just like that 'looking through a pain glass' analogy a lot of people use to describe their feeling of derealisation ! I slowly began to not feel any emotion, my past memories & achievements became distant. I could remember things from my life but I could not relive it & recall it with the same enthusiasm or feeling like I did before I dissociated. Retaining new information was very difficult as I felt there was no point because I couldn't feel anything. It was like I was a shell of my former self.

When I came back from Spain I had a month off before I got a new job in a high school Ireland & where I am currently working now. Again starting a new job, getting to know the new staff & pupils I ended up feeling the burden of stress and worry upon me once more. From September to December I literally was depressed beyond words, I did not want to see my friends or talk to my parents. I hid away in my room most weekends dreading the thoughts of another week of work. One thing I did do was arrange to see a therapist because I needed someone to talk to or else I would have eventually exploded. The talk therapy did give me a focus on how to try and control my emotions at work & at home and it did ease my anxiety to an extent, but I was still numb & had lost all interest in life.

I always knew I had to force myself to connect with others and I made sure I did go out with my friends once in a while, even thought it was the last thing I wanted to do. It's easier said than done & I remember being out for New Year's Eve just gone and leaving early as I couldn't bear to be around the noise and being forced to make conversation with people. As I went home that night I promised myself that 2013 would be the year I get my life back.

So what I have been doing as part of my recovery. Well the first thing I did was order a CBT programme called 'Dissolve Social Anxiety programme' from the social anxiety institute. I have spent the last 4 months reading different hand-outs over and over again for 30 minutes EVERY day. The programme has worked to an extent, my negative thinking has definitely diminished and I am a lot more willing to just act against my negative feelings and go out with my friends. Emotionally however it hasn't helped me as I still feel emotionally disconnected from friends & family but that is changing.

The second thing I have done is joined a fitness programme in my town, training 3-4 times a week in a gym and have a personal trainer for one of those sessions. This has given me a good focus and has helped me set goals for myself which I never did in the past & has helped me gain back a lot of self-confidence.

The third thing I have done is watch my alcohol and sugar intake. Alcohol is like sandpaper on the nerves, when I go out and have a few drinks and I might get a bit drunk sometimes, but I am a lot more aware of how much I drink, getting shitfaced two or three times a week with DP/anxiety is a terrible & stupid idea, you will feel like shit and set yourself back in your recovery.

Overall since January 2013 since doing these mentioned above I have made some very good progress. The people I work with have noticed a big change in me and want to hang out with me (inviting me to parties etc.) which has been big plus. I have felt & seen glimpses of the old me when I have been out, but recovery is a very slow process , you will have setbacks , as I type this right now I am going through another setback feeling fuzzy & spaced out struggling to make conversation with people. But it will pass, I will feel again. Keep doing the right things and eventually you will reap the rewards. A small success will always be something to build on and eventually success builds upon success.

So that's it for now, thank you very much for taking the time for reading my story, if you have any questions or queries you want to ask me please feel free to message me on this forum. If you feel rock bottom don't give up I've been there to, I know what you're going through it's not easy but if you want to get better you will.


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## REB_DoMiNe (Oct 24, 2012)

Well I managed to make it through the entire thing  so here's what I have to say .

Go you for taking the steps to get better ! You sound like you're doing all the right things to make your life happy and healthier .

Sometimes we don't realize ' time ' isn't always the answer . It's Working on getting better . Work . Giving up certain things you have may have enjoyed ( in you're case alcohol .)  And starting new things to improve you're life .

Good luck !


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## Wallace (Jun 15, 2013)

Stress & anxiety attacks seems to always be a constant with depersonalization. I think your handling your DP better than most and it seems like you have not lost any cognitive skills.


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