# Would You Settle?



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

We all know how hard and crippling having dp/dr is. It makes it near impossible to survive without someone to depend on for emotional and financial support. I think most of us live with family but I have a question. Say that you were to meet a guy or girl who has boyfriend/girlfriend potential but they weren't everything that you were looking for in someone. Now by weren't everything, I don't mean that they don't meet your dream man/girl image. No one can live up to an ideal in someone else's mind. I just mean someone who has clear flaws and who you already know will care for you but will not love you or fill your emotional needs as much as you need them filled. Would you go ahead and get into a relationship with this person just for the convenience of having someone to depend on? Like for the convenience of having someone support you so that it makes living with the dp easier? Give me your thoughts.


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## BusyBee (Aug 7, 2010)

This is an easy one for me to answer: NO WAY!

It was a relationship which got me in this mess; two long and painful years of trauma, and possesiveness. When I got ill, and my body could take it no longer, he was in no way supportive. He pretended to be, by ensuring I didnt even attend doctors appointments alone.

I had been trying to leave for months, but each time he would self harm or threaten suicide.. I ended up taking him to casulty twice. But he soon lost interest when he realised my illness was more than just a one week flu bug. Infact as he ran the day that I told him, crying in terror, that the hospital had booked me a brain scan, heart scan, neck scan and tons of tests.. and removed my driving licence. Maybe he realised his mind games had gone a step too far.

I react to DP by shutting away. I dont explain to people because i have tried and they dont understand. Who would? I am stronger than anyone who is around to look after me because I am surviving through this, they arnt.

Excuse my going on.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Try and get by with the help of family and friends, relationships just adds so much stress! Maybe you can't remember right now, but girl, you have to believe me.. Stay away until you have all your neurons in working order! You can do it!


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

york said:


> Try and get by with the help of family and friends, relationships just adds so much stress! Maybe you can't remember right now, but girl, you have to believe me.. Stay away until you have all your neurons in working order! You can do it!


I have no family or friends. It's just me, alone in the world, and I'm drowning.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I have no family or friends. It's just me, alone in the world, and I'm drowning.











You are not alone. *HUG* That's the best I can offer these days, lol.


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## Guest (Jan 21, 2011)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I have no family or friends. It's just me, alone in the world, and I'm drowning.


I know how you feel. I have no friends, no partner, I have nothing. An alternative? Self image, bright and beautiful.


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## Guest (Jan 21, 2011)

Phantasm said:


> I know how you feel. I have no friends, no partner, I have nothing. An alternative? Self image, bright and beautiful.


Still early days. Balancing the too-and-fro, but I'm starting to understand.
You cannot change if there is not an alternative; a choice.
The miserable again-and-again against the bright escape...


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## whatisthis (Feb 27, 2009)

Wow. . I was thinking to post something just like this, and lo and behold there is already a recent post on this very matter! I have been married now for 4 years. Not too shabby, yet I have always felt that I settled, that I gave up too soon. It sounds terrible, but true. In a way I shut down who I really was to just conform to this person and I am not happy. He's not happy. We're in counseling now, which we have tried previously. When I married him honestly I was young, scared, and didn't know what life was all about. Now that I've had some time to grow and learn I feel that I don't need to rely so heavily on him. I dated him for two and a half years before we married because "it didn't feel right". But he persisted, and here we are 7 years later. . . . I feel I took the "easy" road out, yet it has been far from easy. Now that I am with him, sometimes I wish I was on my own, had control of MY own life, and didn't feel obligated to deal with the crap I get. Now, it's easy to place blame, but the biggest person I blame is myself. I knew it wasn't right, but thought I could maybe "make it right". Ha! My advice to the younger crowd, wait, understand who you are and what you want before saying the big "I do". Maybe it just took me longer to figure it out. Don't settle for less in others, but most importantly don't settle for less in yourself.


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## BusyBee (Aug 7, 2010)

whatisthis said:


> Wow. . I was thinking to post something just like this, and lo and behold there is already a recent post on this very matter! I have been married now for 4 years. Not too shabby, yet I have always felt that I settled, that I gave up too soon. It sounds terrible, but true. In a way I shut down who I really was to just conform to this person and I am not happy. He's not happy. We're in counseling now, which we have tried previously. When I married him honestly I was young, scared, and didn't know what life was all about. Now that I've had some time to grow and learn I feel that I don't need to rely so heavily on him. I dated him for two and a half years before we married because "it didn't feel right". But he persisted, and here we are 7 years later. . . . I feel I took the "easy" road out, yet it has been far from easy. Now that I am with him, sometimes I wish I was on my own, had control of MY own life, and didn't feel obligated to deal with the crap I get. Now, it's easy to place blame, but the biggest person I blame is myself. I knew it wasn't right, but thought I could maybe "make it right". Ha! My advice to the younger crowd, wait, understand who you are and what you want before saying the big "I do". Maybe it just took me longer to figure it out. Don't settle for less in others, but most importantly don't settle for less in yourself.


Sorry to hear this and hope that you both find happiness in other things. This is a good post and a good warning. I came out of a terrible relationship with DP, however I still feel that I made a 'lucky' escape. I perpetuated the relationship to begin with because I thought it was what I wanted and yet I was never happy. Then it was too late and he was impossible to get rid of! I see so many of my friends making the same mistakes. They say, 'But I cant leave now he needs me' and 'But i dont want to be on my own'.. I say 'see' however ive not seen them in years. They cant say they honestly dont miss those care free days?

"Ive become so numb..
All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you"


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## Guest (Jan 26, 2011)

Phantasm said:


> Still early days. Balancing the too-and-fro, but I'm starting to understand.
> You cannot change if there is not an alternative; a choice.
> The miserable again-and-again against the bright escape...


I was mainly referring to internal dynamamics, but as our subconcious perspective becomes our reality I dont suppose it makes much difference.
If the weak becomes stronger that can threaten the dominant partner and upset a relationship, I guess. But if a relationship functions on one partner surpressing another for their own sence of self then it isnt worth much, and not worth keeping.
If one is fragile they need to grow and if the other wont nurture that, well...

I guess some insecure men look for vulnerable women (I dont necessarily mean conciously) as partners they can keep in place.

messy stuff.

Oh, and no, I wont settle.
Ive been alone in one way or another all my life and I expect that for life so why bother.


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## ohwell (Oct 28, 2010)

I don't think it is good for your self estime to need to be dependent. Also that would make you prone to be abused, deliberatly or not. I for one hate to be dependent, regardless of my problems, I'm through grad studies and searching a good job opportunity, to not depend on anyone.


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## Ben23 (Nov 27, 2006)

What an important thread. If you're not passionate about the person, don't do it. That's my advice. For the last 6 years i've gone through 3 relationships which were just convenient. I needed someone, and they ended up falling in love. It's just not fair to use someone like that. I'd suggest letting your sorrow overwhelm you. Lol, sounds kindof morbid, but if you need to run to others because you don't want to be alone with yourself (not judging, i do it too)then maybe facing the demon that you are is a good thing. Have to face it someday or you'll never be rid of crippling doubts about your self worth. Long story short, don't be with someone unless you really love them. Never pretend to a love that which you do not feel, love is not ours to command. some smart person said that.

PS, you're not alone, I love you. Not sure if that's a comfort or not, lol


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