# Ending It All



## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

i don't even know what to type right now

the hopelessness just gets worse everyday..... And other things seem to be falling apart as well. I live in an environment of stress. Family stress, social stress, shit even the things I enjoy are becomming stressful.........

i just wanna give up

im close to it


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

you can't give up you havn't visited ireland yet.

seriously though soul, i still think you need to find a way out of your present environment. go somewhere that's not giving you stress for a bit to give yourself a break


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Please don't


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

just _don't_ do it! If dp/dr:s nature's perverse way to tell you that you need to change, then when you change, also dp/dr becomes needless. And you don't have to carry all world's trouble in your shoulders. Give life a chance to prove it's more than a hairway to steven!


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

dude, i know things seem all pointless and stuff but just don't give up....like pdr said give yourself a break and some thinkin' time 2 get things a bit more in perspective and how to make things bit more easier....


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

SB,

I don't even have to explain my situation to you, as you know it oh so well. I am doing really bad right now too. Just feel very detached and very depressed. I just want that depression to lift and want to actually "feel" like doing things. I was feeling "good" for three weeks, two weeks ago. I have thought about ending it too lately. Trust me. I think that "If I can't enjoy things and WANT to be alive, then why should I be alive?" I guess the only answer is, What if it does go away? You'll never know if you end it yourself. Dogg, I've been fighting this for nearly 4 years. That's ALOT longer than the 15 months you've been dealing with it. And there are people on here that have been dealing with it alot longer. Not that that makes you feel any better, but just trying to make a point. 
As far as the girlfriend thing. You know I can relate on that. But honestly, as depressed and "out-of-it" that I am right now, I really have NO desire to meet anyone, because I just don't feel excited about it, so I don't even want to give it a try. And I am 25. You are only 19 (right, 19?). You have PLENTY of time to find someone. Heck, I'm still young as well. But yes, that is one thing I have thought alot about..."Why do I not have any appeal for life, girls, basketball, my family, etc.?" And I guess it is because I am so depressed. But if I have been on different meds over the last 4 years, then why am I still depressed? And why did I feel so good from April-August of last year? Shit, makes no sense. Everytime I start feeling depressed again, I always think "It is so much worse this time around!" But honestly, I don't think that its worse, I just think that going back down again after feeling good for three weeks, makes it seem worse and I ruminate ALOT more.

SB...just hang in there man. I'm hurting right there with you as is everyone else. We have a disease, all with different reasons why we feel this way. But we all have a disease. Just hang in there man. I know you aren't very happy with where your life is at the moment, but its just something you are going to have to accept. Suicide is not the answer. It may SOUND like the answer. But its not. You may think it will solve things, but it will not. Trust me. I'll holla at you 2night. Peace.

Kelson


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Soul,

All I can say is Kelson gave some pretty damn good advice. Buddy, I know how you feel. If you don't believe me, just read some of my posts.

AT LEAST you are not a delusional crackpot like myself who is terrorized that the world isn't real, and other crazy crap like that. Man, you are smart, and seem to have a level head. Most of this stuff is common sense. Only other thing I can add is that you just have to ride this sh*t out. It sucks big time, BUT, there is a way out.

Just be glad you are not delusional. Don't think it could be worse? It can get a lot worse...

Hang in there, do everything you can to take your mind off this crap. Fight, and fight hard. Don't fight your feelings, fight your temptation to take your emotional temperature, to stop and say "Man, I feel so gone, so down, like I don't want to go on anymore, etc." You might want to keep doing this, but try your hardest not to. You can't change the way you feel, but you can stop yourself from making things worse. Just keep going, like a robot, like a pimp machine on the illest crunk juice out there. Keep on trucking, and things will get better.

Best,

Jon


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

what Kelson and gstile said.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

your not gonna kill yourself, if your serious about killin yourself you wouldnt be tellin everyone, your just seeking attention


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Suffering is better than ending it all. The chances of you sufering for a lifetime are slim to none. Your brain is too smart and will continue to seek out solutions until it finds something that will get you through the day. I have a few ?'s for you soulbrotha. How long have you felt this degree of hopelessness? Why are things so stressful? How much klonopin do you take per day. I know you know that i'm anti benzo, but klonopin is documented to cause depression since it's a depressant. However, you may have felt like this before, so that's just a slight possibility.


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Johnny_Utah said:


> your not gonna kill yourself, if your serious about killin yourself you wouldnt be tellin everyone, your just seeking attention


If this was meant to be sarcastic and a low bloiw to SB, you're an asshole. Simple as that. And you can quote me on that. If he really wanted alot of attention, he'd just post:

Johnny_Utah is the lamest mf'er on this board.

At least he'd be telling the truth, where as, you sure aren't. Grow up.

Peace.

Kelson


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

kelson12 said:


> Johnny_Utah said:
> 
> 
> > your not gonna kill yourself, if your serious about killin yourself you wouldnt be tellin everyone, your just seeking attention
> ...


Its not meant to be sarcastic dumbass its the truth


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

Johnny Utah, when someone is coming on this site to express that they are feeling so bad that they want to give up on life then i truly feel we as fellow human beings need to listen and try and help. When I read a post such as this I feel deeply sorry that the person is suffering so bad. It hurts deeply to be in this illness and it hurts to feel that nothing around you makes you feel happy anymore. It is times like this when we fall down and we feel like we cannot get up that we reach out our hand and help lift up another human being. You state that he just wants attention, he is not looking for attention for pity he is looking for maybe a kind word that will help him get through the day. He comes here to feel a part of something when he feels like he a part of nothing right now. We all know how that feels, we all know how lost we can feel and how painful and sad we can become. I am very surprised that you suffering with the same illness would not be more understanding. We as human beings yes do need attention and yes we need lots of it. Attention means being apart of something and this is the right place for him to come to. We all care here because we all know what it is like to feel like your climbing a mountain that has no peak. Soulbrotha I am sorry you feel so down and I wish I knew the right words to say to you. Maybe this will help a little, never give up please, sometimes when we feel like we just cannot do this remember that tomorrow life could completely change, it could be better than today if you give up you will never know.

Johnny please I am not trying to be unkind but please remember how painful this illness is.

gem.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

i mean if your gonna kill yourself just do it , dont announce it to the rest of the board. Im sorry i just dont have respect for these kind of people take it or leave it i dont care really


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

whatever....I very much doubt SB is talking about ending his life just to get attention. I talk to him all the time and he is not the type of person who posts on this board for attention.

Dumbass, huh? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Don't get me started. I'll just be cool and end it there.

Peace.

Kelson


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

kelson12 said:


> whatever....I very much doubt SB is talking about ending his life just to get attention. I talk to him all the time and he is not the type of person who posts on this board for attention.
> 
> Dumbass, huh? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Don't get me started. I'll just be cool and end it there.
> 
> ...


ok i respect you for that


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Johnny_Utah said:


> i mean if your gonna kill yourself just do it , dont announce it to the rest of the board. Im sorry i just dont have respect for these kind of people take it or leave it i dont care really


Then don't reply to the damn post then. Seems easy to me.

Dumbass....hahaha....right.

Peace.

Kelson


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

I am sorry I forgot something else I was going to say, Johnny_Utah, you state that if someone tells others they are going to kill themself that they won't do it, you are wrong.

gem.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

gem said:


> I am sorry I forgot something else I was going to say, Johnny_Utah, you state that if someone tells others they are going to kill themself that they won't do it, you are wrong.
> 
> gem.


maybe not all the time but its usually the case, right before suicide a person wont go and tell everyone about killing himself then sit back read the reply's


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

Johnny_Utah, I am asking you nicely to respond no more to this post. Your words are very hurtful and it is not what this site is about.

gem.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

gem said:


> Johnny_Utah, I am asking you nicely to respond no more to this post. Your words are very hurtful and it is not what this site is about.
> 
> gem.


watever


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

People,

Can't we all just get along... 8)

Taking one's own life, or talking about it is a serious matter. I know, I've been there.

Johnny, I can see where you are coming from, but I don't think Soul would do something like that. DP can push anyone to the ledge, including myself.

I've posted a few times where I was at the ledge, and had thoughts of ending it all. What I wrote was real. It was a cry for help, and at the time, thanks to this board, I got the help that I needed.

Lets keep the respect going. Everyone here has something good to offer.

DP is bad enough, we need all the help we can get.

Peace,

Jon


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Johnny_Utah said:


> gem said:
> 
> 
> > Johnny_Utah, I am asking you nicely to respond no more to this post. Your words are very hurtful and it is not what this site is about.
> ...


Great philosophy, buddy. You the man.

Peace.


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Johnny_Utah said:


> gem said:
> 
> 
> > Johnny_Utah, I am asking you nicely to respond no more to this post. Your words are very hurtful and it is not what this site is about.
> ...


"Laaaaaaaaame"


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Utah, you fuckin herb, you have NO IDEA as to whatim going through, and unlike you, I don't make 1900000 posts a week, taking about NOTHING. Im under alot of stress & so is my family, and I don't make posts for fuckin attention, never have, never will. The sooner I get better, the sooner you won't see me posting.

Utah, you make me wanna get ignorant , likeif i saw you in person, i'd kick your fuckin teeth in, type of ignorant. and believe me, you don't know what im capable of..... I hate people like you....... Just stay out of my posts, you insignificant piece of shit.

Pure Narcotic, actually man Klonopin SEEMS to be one of the few meds that has helped, but im not 100 % sure that its fully beneficial. I wanna get off meds soon, im sick of meds. I was feeling like this before Klonopin though. I dunno, what do you think? And don't be biased about the Benzo thing.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

If anyone is seriously thinking about suicidal actions, they need to call a professional.

This website is NOT a place to handle this, nor is it a place to provoke more anger and despair in a thread on the topic of suicide.

This will be deleted later. NOT by me, so don't even start with the PM's grin...but it's a rule of the site.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

SoulBrotha said:


> Utah, you f--- herb, you have NO IDEA as to whatim going through, and unlike you, I don't make 1900000 posts a week, taking about NOTHING. Im under alot of stress & so is my family, and I don't make posts for f--- attention, never have, never will. The sooner I get better, the sooner you won't see me posting.
> 
> Utah, you make me wanna get ignorant , likeif i saw you in person, i'd kick your f--- teeth in, type of ignorant. and believe me, you don't know what im capable of..... I hate people like you....... Just stay out of my posts, you insignificant piece of sh*t.
> 
> Pure Narcotic, actually man Klonopin SEEMS to be one of the few meds that has helped, but im not 100 % sure that its fully beneficial. I wanna get off meds soon, im sick of meds. I was feeling like this before Klonopin though. I dunno, what do you think? And don't be biased about the Benzo thing.


lol


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

where in the post, did I SAY I WAS GONNA KILL MYSELF????? SHOW ME

i never said i was gonna kill myself, but obviously it crosses my mind


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

kelson12 said:
 

> Johnny_Utah said:
> 
> 
> > gem said:
> ...


i thought you were gonna stop and be cool ? wow not cool man not cool :roll:


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

JanineBaker said:


> If anyone is seriously thinking about suicidal actions, they need to call a professional.
> 
> This website is NOT a place to handle this, nor is it a place to provoke more anger and despair in a thread on the topic of suic***.
> 
> This will be deleted later. NOT by me, so don't even start with the PM's grin...but it's a rule of the site.


I don't think this thread should be closed, rather the irrelevant comments should be deleted and someone like Johnny_Utah has no business being apart of this forum. He should get banned.

Peace.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

why can't someone BANN JOHNNY UTAH and UNBANN Ziggo?


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

^^^ co-sign

When someone makes crazy, irrelevant comments in relation to a post as serious as SB's, then that person needs to be banned.

Peace.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

SoulBrotha said:


> why can't someone BANN JOHNNY UTAH and UNBANN Ziggo?


why doesn't someone ban you ? all you fucking do is bitch and moan all the time and talk about "ending it all" you dont add anything to this board but your negativity and how you cant handle your pathetic life, nobody wants to read your posts all it does is bring the whole room down to your level


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

kelson12 said:


> ^^^ co-sign
> 
> When someone makes crazy, irrelevant comments in relation to a post as serious as SB's, then that person needs to be banned.
> 
> Peace.


Take your alcholic boyfriend with you, you guys make a good couple


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

I won't delete it either, although my guess is this thread will vanish soon. As Janine says - a rule of the site. I'm not even going to lock it. Seems to be providing a great opportunity for some of the members to show themselves as the insensitive idiots they apparently are.

Bro, um.............you gotta just hang in there man. I know it's difficult. You know I know that. I don't have the magic answer for you. What I DO know is that so long as you're here, there's hope. You need to cling to that at times likes this. And it can only get better, right? 
If you really are that close - call somebody. Your doctor, a crisis line, something like that. 
I'll pm you later when I get home.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Hey, Utah, how about not taking your problems out on everyone else?

P.S.: Why was Ziggo banned? He was the dude!


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Now you're just bein downright corny.

Isn't this board for people to post about what they are going through??? And last time I checked DP isn't a POSITIVE thing. So most posts are supposed to be negative. I'm an alcoholic.....right? And where did you get this information from? Just curious. And calling me an alcoholic makes things alot better. Okay, good job man. And that comment about take your boyfriend with you. That was creative dogg. How long did it take you to think of that?

And why would SB get banned for making "moaning" comments that are negative??? If that was the case 75% if not all of the people on here would be banned, cause we all make negative posts.

Maybe you should think before you just post crazy things with no justification. For real.

Peace.

Kelson


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

kelson12 said:


> Now you're just bein downright corny.
> 
> Isn't this board for people to post about what they are going through??? And last time I checked DP isn't a POSITIVE thing. So most posts are supposed to be negative. I'm an alcoholic.....right? And where did you get this information from? Just curious. And calling me an alcoholic makes things alot better. Okay, good job man. And that comment about take your boyfriend with you. That was creative dogg. How long did it take you to think of that?
> 
> ...


you know who you are i dont have to remind you, we all know how dp/dr is a negative and we dont need to be reminded about it especially in a thread about killing yourself which he clearly expresses. Im sick your bullshit thats all and i just want you to know that ok ? Now take it easy there im out, this will be my last post in this thread


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## falling_free (Nov 3, 2004)

> P.S.: Why was Ziggo banned? He was the dude!


Yeh why was he banned? I found him quite funny most of the time, though some of his posts may have offended some people. I can't recall him ever going off on a tangernt like utah has just done.

All that utah has written in this thread is trash.


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2005)

Ziggo was banned? That guy was one of the hippest members here. Why did he get banned?

Johnny, show some maturity here man. Soulbrotha isn't seeking attention. He is just venting, which is the right thing to do in his case.

Soul, is there anything that relieves some of these feelings you have? Like is there any meens of distraction that allows you to cope with this?


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

Janine, I respect what you have to say and I am sorry if you think that I was trying to provoke anger. I want you to know I am only trying to help someone today who is feeling really down. My personal opinion if it is okay to express this is, when someone posts comments that are hurtful then the person should not be able to post on the subject. I think what has happened here is by Johnny posting he has turned the attention on to himself which is not where it needs to be. Soulbrotha needed kindness not rudeness. I am sorry if I stepped out of line.

gem.


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

SoulBrotha, I know you did not say you were giving up. I hope I helped a little bit. I was pointing out to Johnny when he said people who say they are going to give up do not tell others, I do not believe that. I know you are having a very difficult time I understand completely. There are days and I am sure we all have them where we feel like nothing will ever be okay. It will be okay though, life will get better, we have to hold onto that. I myself am going through a terrible time but I have to keep believeing that there will come a day when we will feel better. I am glad you posted though we are all here for each other and we care.

gem.


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

Gem/SC thanks for the kind words & insight, I really appreciate it.

Kelson, you already know the deal

Pure Narcotic, i mean i have MUSIC, thats like my main thing. Im trying to concentrate on that, but even that can be stressful. You play the guitar right? So im sure that you can relate somewhat?

And again I was not trying to get attention, but im feeling very stressed out right now. Over the last few months my posting has decreased immensly. I just don't make posts for no reason, but sometimes it gets to a point where you HAVE to vent.


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

SoulBrotha, you are welcome. It is okay to vent. I remember my sister used to say that I just wanted attention when i felt like i could not go on. Yes there where days i too felt like god i cannot cope one more day like this but i would find the strength somehow to keep trying. I would reach out in hope that someone would take a moment just to listen, oh how i longed to hear some words of kindness and understanding. Sometimes my darkest days were lightened by another who was suffering just like me. It is to hard to carry the load all by ourelves, we need support. Everyone needs comfort. We are looking for answers to help us live in an illness that is so hard to understand. There will be better days ahead for you, give yourself some kindness. It could be something simple like making yourself a cup of tea or putting a warm blanket around you to let you know that you deserve good things that life has to offer. Take care the sun will come out again.

gem.


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

I understood SB's title to be nihilistic, not suicidal... SB, ignore the people who say unkind things. I know you're not "just looking for attention.." and anyway, so what if you were? People who are suffering need help. I for one do not see suicidal acts as just a desire for attention, I see them as acts of despair.

I also don't understand when members are scolded for making negative posts... there a many different parts of this board. DP is not a happy topic, but if you want jokes, there's a joke section... and a cruise ship..


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

> Pure Narcotic, i mean i have MUSIC, thats like my main thing. Im trying to concentrate on that, but even that can be stressful. You play the guitar right? So im sure that you can relate somewhat?


Yeah, I play guitar. I find it to be very enjoyable, but you can't play music all day. The rest of the day I am just sitting around and always thinking about the misery I live in. Can you relate to that? I can relate to this post soulbrotha. I hate life just as much as you do right now and ending it all seems tempting. However, there is this little spark of hope in my brain that tells me there is hope for the future. I recovered from DP, depression and anxiety once before and know how good it feels. Don't give up cause theres the chance of that happening and it feels better than you could even imagine.


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

yeah I can relate to that for sure. The thing is with my music, I have a vision, Me & my friend wanna start our own record label one day, and wanna do big things with our music, but it takes time and theres no guarantees. I am currently unemployed from a legit job and I need to get another. Theres just alot of stress right now and even the little things bother me.

but yeah i know how you feel man


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## gem (Aug 10, 2004)

SoulBrotha, music is a wonderful outlet. I have been singing since i was a little girl. I loved to sing and dance, my aunt used to say someday that girl is going to be a star. Well i did not become a star but i still sing. I sang in a band for a few years and really enjoyed. I learned to play the drums which i must say drove everyone around me crazy but i really like it. I prefer the singing though. I purchased a kareokee system a couple of years ago for fun. I alread had alot of other music equipment but i decided to add on to it. I really enjoy it. When i feel angry inside i play. I sing with all my heart and soul. I find it hard sometimes though when i am singing because sometimes i cannot feel the emotion, when the dp/dr is bad it is hard to feel, but i sing anyway. I sang at weddings and different occasions and really enjoyed it. Music is a way to try and connect to your emotions. It is amazing how we can relate to a song. Music is a healer.

gem.


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## AHuseman (Jan 29, 2005)

do you rap sb?


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

yes


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

and Gem I agree 110 %


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

SB, you say that you weren't trying to get attention. Okay... but so what if you were, anyway? I think we all need attention sometimes, to help us deal with this hellish disorder. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, surely it doesn't really matter HOW many posts you make? People don't HAVE to read them.

I think it's a great idea for you to think about starting your own label. I wish you all the best of luck in making this a reality. I believe that you can do ANYthing in life, if you want it badly enough.

Take care,

Lesley Ann


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## Guest (Mar 11, 2005)

soul brother, i know you like your music and thought I'd post this song for you-

I've been travelin for some time (echo)
With my fishin pole and my bottle of shine (echo)
On these long dark dusty roads (echo)
Lookin there's nowhere to go
I guess I gotta hide away, far away
Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way
I gotta hide away, far away
Cause I gotta find a way, to find my way
Ay-ay-ay ay-ay-ay aaay

[Verse 1: Bubba Sparxxx]
I left off of mama's with my thumb in the wind
The leaves on the ground, winter's comin again
Solid on the surface as I crumble within
But legends are made out of honorable men
So on the brink of death I still manage livin life
Cause so rarely in this world are these chances given twice
I indeed sold my soul, without glancing at the price
No instructions when I was handed this device
But with what I did get, I was more than generous
Put others over self on several instances
But I'm back on my feet without a hint of bitterness
And one way or another I shall have deliverance
So I say

[Chorus]

[Verse 2: Bubba Sparxxx]
Can you recall a time people loved you unconditionally?
Toast in the new south, this one is for history
Then I slipped fell and caused the number's injury
Called the same people and it's yo you just missed them B
This the formula, dammit Bubba you had it
Why'd you have to keep it Polo and New Balance?
Then they start to question whether you a true talent
Or just a ******* substance of used hammock
So then you hide away just to try to find your way
And now they back to callin you 200 times a day
I want all y'all to know, good or bad I'll remember it
And 10 million sold in the name of my deliverance

[Chorus]

[Verse 3: Bubba Sparxxx]
Nothing could atone for the pain you've endured
The blood you shed is still stained in your valor
You took your wealth and knowledge and gave it to the poor
Only to discover that your savior's manure
Accepted me as kin, put before your younger brother
They put a lot on us hardly knowin one another
I honestly can say that over time I've come to love you
Now we are brothers and together no one can touch us
It hauls me with regret I never met your baby girl
She's an angel on your shoulder helpin us to save the world
This musical marriage is no coincedence
So my mama to me baby we shall have deliverance
So we say


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