# Nihilistic rumination and uncertainty about anything



## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

This is easily the worst state of mind I've ever been in. I spent an hour yesterday stuck in a loop of how 'nothing matters', including my own thoughts or anything that exists (or does not). How do I even begin to talk to someone about this when just rememebring these thoughts crushes my spirit?

It all started with a joint and a panic attack, where I tried to calm myself down but instead had ideas about how what if everything is not real, including my own thoughts, logic, reason etc. This just seems to follow everything I do.

Anyone survived this? I do think if I can reduce anxiety and depression these feelings will go away but how?


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## vanuti vetru (Sep 7, 2015)

I can spend whole days being consumed by such thoughts. What i call an existential terror is my main "symptom" actually. Who am i, why do i exist, how other people (beings) relate to me and vice versa, where do my desires come from etc. - these are core issues i simply can't deal away with. Sometimes the intensity of those ruminations is so overwhelming that they make me detach from life and from myself. In such states i'm unable to identify with my feelings and emotions which i start to perceive as something external. It's like i've jumped out of the stream of life and feel too blocked to submerge in it again. In extreme cases the world starts to appear completely absurd and pointless, like a continuous experiment pursued by some higher force just for the sake of it.

Now i'm more a realist but in past i used to have strong philosophical and metaphysical inclinations. For many years i've been into esoterica and now certain ideas from Castaneda books or various channelled materials serve as fuel for this largely unwanted mental activity.

I haven't found an effective way to deal away with such thoughts. I often read that the only way is to ignore them so they lose their power eventually. But i feel unable to do so; they're like legitimate existential doubts and questions which i can't let go just like that. So i try live through them, remembering it's probably just my restless mind, backed by anxiety. But it can be very hard.

The worst thing probably is how these thoughts have managed to dominate my life over the years. Often i feel like i didn't live in the real world; i live in my own mind and can't get out of it. Being kind of a loner doesn't help for sure. :-(


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

vanuti vetru said:


> I can spend whole days being consumed by such thoughts. What i call an existential terror is my main "symptom" actually. Who am i, why do i exist, how other people (beings) relate to me and vice versa, where do my desires come from etc. - these are core issues i simply can't deal away with. Sometimes the intensity of those ruminations is so overwhelming that they make me detach from life and from myself. In such states i'm unable to identify with my feelings and emotions which i start to perceive as something external. It's like i've jumped out of the stream of life and feel too blocked to submerge in it again. In extreme cases the world starts to appear completely absurd and pointless, like a continuous experiment pursued by some higher force just for the sake of it.
> 
> Now i'm more a realist but in past i used to have strong philosophical and metaphysical inclinations. For many years i've been into esoterica and now certain ideas from Castaneda books or various channelled materials serve as fuel for this largely unwanted mental activity.
> 
> ...


I can totally relate. I was influenced a lot by the psychadelic culture (so many ideas which can't be disproven but end up being harmful spread around). I didn't think it would hit me this hard years after. The sad thing is deep down I have this feeling that whatever I do this ride will end, and I will have spent so much of it obsessing about something which I can't prove and gives me stress instead of partaking in the one thing I can actually experience (life). I hope this is just linked to anxiety, becaue I definitely ignore these thoughts when I'm feeling good, but the thoughts and queries are always lurking there to put me into a philosophical downspiral lol


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## vanuti vetru (Sep 7, 2015)

I sometimes think that at some point life is not anymore an obligation or something imposed on us. It becomes a conscious choice, an act of will. When you're tormented by heavy existential stuff, existence can suddenly seem devoid of meaning or feel too difficult to continue. In such states one has to "choose life", again and again. It's about redirecting the energy outside and not giving it to the hopeless thoughts. It's like a continuous test of faith / hope, requiring choices that may seem futile at first. (In my case it's about overcoming mindsets like "Why should i go out and meet anyone when it's all an illusion experieced by some cosmic mind and we're all one?")

I'm lucky enough not to have had a chance of trying psychedelic drugs (except for the initial experiment with LSA seeds). Not sure where i'd end up after a real trip but it would be far away from here :roll: . I've also used to be fascinated by the psychedelic culture though. Turns out that even reading trip reports can influence your mind, LOL.


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