# Not feeling 100% back the person I used to be



## Lilypassion (Jun 13, 2020)

Hello everyone. I've had this disorder for quite some time now. I would say roughly 2-5 years? Not sure. And for the most part, I'm able to be at peace with my mind. I'm able to settle the physical numbness my body creates. I'm able to combat the thoughts that go through my head over the course of some days to just accept that these are just thoughts. However, I have a hard time struggling with the deeply rooted belief that My brain won't ever get back to how it was whenever I didn't smoke weed. I only smoked weed like 1-3 times. But I just fear that since it made me get this disorder it must have harmed the way I think resulting in a damaged brain. I need help because whenever I go back with this belief in my head, it doesn't seem to just go. It always comes back resulting in a gut wrenching feelings. I do have a lot of guilt for smoking weed so I think it might be in correlation with that? Not sure.

I just don't feel like I can FULLY exist in the moment. I would say I'm like 90% recovered with that 10% lingering around all the time making me feel like I can't fully get back to how things were before. Does anyone have advice for this? Does anyone feel the same way? Please let me know. I would like to hear how everyone grounds themselves in the moment so that they can enjoy what's going on around them.


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## LukeThinksTooMuch (Feb 28, 2015)

Hey Lily passion. This is my first post here in 5 years because I was just thinking about this same thing.

When I was 15 I first got caught with this and now I'm 21 and I go through ups and downs but sometimes I'm great and I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I think 'well hey I kinda feel like I don't exist.'

It's funny because in a way we're privileged to feel that because we know how bad it can be. Years ago I wrote something that I still very much believe. Sometimes, we do it to ourselves. When you get your first bout of dissociation, it clicks a switch in your head. You don't see life from inside all the time anymore. You kinda feel a bit objective about it. Everyone's living their lives and you kinda feel like you're living it but you 'know it's a bit fake'. By going 'do I feel real?' we manifest that 'outside looking in' feeling.

I'm not sure if it's something we can escape. It's cringy but everyone compares it to the matrix. Once you know you know. Can't unknow. Some people say they're 100% and it just took time, but for me I'm finding peace with the feeling and trying to just let it come and go and with that philosophy, I've been much happier.

I really hope you find what suits you best. Sorry if I haven't been very helpful! Best of luck.

Luke


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