# Not one to post negativity but need to vent today



## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

EDIT: This thread has become more of my rants and life-talks that includes more than just negativity.

Ive been crying alot today. Very unlike me i dont know why I even am. Thinking about how im a failure to my parents because I wont amount to anything, they dont have the slightest clue. I feel like im wasting my girlfrends time but she loves me dearly and wont ever let me go anyways, im lucky for that. I dont even know what to write but I was trying to sleep and I was flooded with negative thoughts not even about existential stuff just about me as a person. Thinking about how i spent 5 years of my life smoking weed or how Addicted I am/was to runescape (lol). Nearly 200 days played on an online game and I look back and used to be worried about the pettiest shit. Shit that doesnt even mean anything compared to this or compared to the actual real world. My brain feels like mush and i would do anything to be happy and to just study again. Fuck drugs my parents were abstinent their whole life I wasnt raised to touch any of this shit. I just ask myself why sometimes.

Anyways, that was just a running free write of my mind trying to empty itself. I hope i can fall asleep soon. I love you all. Feel free to empty your own mind on this thread.

Goodnight everyone, another day to troop through tomorrow


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

I hope you feel better soon man. I've been feeling like shit today too. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the comforting thought that someone out there is feeling exactly the same way I am. I sometimes just close my eyes and think about that person - someone nameless and faceless, who I don't even know, but who I know is having the same bad experience as me in that moment. You may have been that person for me today. All I know is, when today stinks, tomorrow is almost always at least a little better. Hang in there.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Thanks for the kind words chicane. I wish you the best too. Were in the ride together.

Take care,
Climax


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Needing to kind of vent today. Figured id use this thread instead of starting a new one

Fog is killing me. Pressure in the head, lack of mental clarity, and it feel like it ties into my eyes feeling like theyre being forced open. I also think that its tied to seeing floaters. I just want to drill a hole into my skull and let all the pressure out.

Feel like i have little control over my mood and mood swings. Lashed out at my mom today, then slowly felt guilty and started to tear up after. Plus, this antibiotic causation scare is not helping either. I really don't know my origin anyore. Can a 5 day zpack really do that much damage? Ive taken an antibiotic the previous year for pneumonia with no side effects or anything but it wasnt azithromyacin.

Brain, if youre listening, wake the fuck up please.

Ill stop spamming the forums a bit, im getting too hooked on the individul symptoms again. Im glad i can post without approval now though-- maybe not the best thing

Take care all.

edit: Something really, really fucking uplifting I found.



__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10155032444244760


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

cl1max said:


> Needing to kind of vent today. Figured id use this thread instead of starting a new one
> 
> Fog is killing me. Pressure in the head, lack of mental clarity, and it feel like it ties into my eyes feeling like theyre being forced open. I also think that its tied to seeing floaters. I just want to drill a hole into my skull and let all the pressure out.
> 
> ...


First, That link you sent is amazing, glad you find it uplifting! I like the moral, don't give up.

I was gonna reply to this earlier but I didn't as I hate feeling like I am all over this forum, but since you mentioned it, i thought why not...

All i can tell you is the pressure can go with medication, mine did (while i was on it), most of us have had it and wanted a drill for sure! Same i'd say with the eyes, it's not the floaters (IMO).

We all have them moments, the hardest thing I find is saying sorry for acting on my mood, not my feelings towards the person, everyone is the same. You are going through a tough time.

I guess it was a big shock about the antibotics, but no one can say for sure how this was caused but you really.. either way what TDX said basically means you need to treat this with head medication not stomach. More a chemical balance. I would do both...nothing to loose.

I think I read you got DP recently? I guess you haven't gone down the medication routue?

Don't worry I've spammed more than you ever could. I guess this can be your How You Feel thread


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## TDX (Jul 12, 2014)

> I guess it was a big shock about the antibotics, but no one can say for sure how this was caused but you really.. either way what TDX said basically means you need to treat this with head medication not stomach. More a chemical balance. I would do both...nothing to loose.


In the literature case this worked. Lamotrigine in combination with Escitalopram almost completely resolved the depersonalization symptoms.


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

TDX said:


> In the literature case this worked. Lamotrigine in combination with Escitalopram almost completely resolved the depersonalization symptoms.


Sounds like a good combo to me TDX!

ps, what literature?


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

> I think I read you got DP recently? I guess you haven't gone down the medication routue?


Yeah, in january. I know this pales in comparison to many long termers on this forum. I've been trying to steer clear of medication because I was noticing gradual improvement over time without it. I kind of now realize that most of you guys probably dont live spiraling nonstop (which is what I thought dpdr really was), and just in the constant out of it, foggy-headed, disconnected state. I could be in for a longer haul than expected, I dont know.

The gym always gives me a bit more clarity than before I left I must say, but it feels temporary.



> In the literature case this worked. Lamotrigine in combination with Escitalopram almost completely resolved the depersonalization symptoms.


Thank you I will definitely keep this in mind, I think I will be seriously looking for a good pdoc this summer, and if SGB goes well for a few people, I may try and schedule one to.


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

cl1max said:


> Yeah, in january. I know this pales in comparison to many long termers on this forum. I've been trying to steer clear of medication because I was noticing gradual improvement over time without it. I kind of now realize that most of you guys probably dont live spiraling nonstop (which is what I thought dpdr really was), and just in the constant out of it, foggy-headed, disconnected state. I could be in for a longer haul than expected, I dont know.
> 
> The gym always gives me a bit more clarity than before I left I must say, but it feels temporary.
> 
> Thank you I will definitely keep this in mind, I think I will be seriously looking for a good pdoc this summer, and if SGB goes well for a few people, I may try and schedule one to.


I've went to respond to this three times so i'll just do it.

Good to hear you are making headway, while you are, staying off meds is a good idea.

What I did want to say, is although a lot of our symptoms on the 'long timers' get better without medication, like in my case, they seem to hit a point where little to no progress happens, talking for myself I haven't had any difference in the last year (it's been 2.5) so then is when medication option really comes into its own.

DP for anyone I know who has it Chronically, it is 24/7, some recover naturally, some get the symptoms to ease with medication and some recover with medication, hope that clears something up. This 24/7 state is not what you probably have in the minute, as i said improvements will happen, hopefully right the way till it's gone.

TDX meds are a good shout. SGB is very interesting, I know one member who should have something to update us with in a few months, I myself am working on getting it, fingers crossed!

Edit: For instance, I don't get anxious thoughts or feel spaced out anymore... but brain fog, yep


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## soulsearcher86 (Feb 8, 2017)

I understand completely OP. We're all here for you and are willing to listen to your issues. It gets better, I promise you.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Thank you soulsearcher86. Here for you too

Take care


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Had my sisters wedding today and felt pretty good during it. Fog as usual but was focused and happy/sad for the wedding. In my culture, weddings are sad because you are giving away the bride to the grooms family. Was a hindu marrying a jew so tomorrow is the jewish version of the wedding.

During the wedding I kind of had a realization, not that it cured my fog or was the clarity "click," by any means, but I kinda teared up and was like "man this is what lifes all about, just having a good time. Im taking it way too seriously and thinking im lacking in too many areas of life for no reason." kind of made me feel better seeing a bunch of 26-35 year olds just drinking and realizing that they're not much more different, or "mature and adult-like" than me. A lot of my anxiety is not being good enough, or responsible enough for the future.

I dunno, the wedding was fun and part 2 is tomorrow and ill actually be drinking and getting drunk cuz fuck this shit imma live my life. Already trying to mentally prepare (get the joke) for the crippling anxiety-filled hangover on Sunday.

Havent drank in over a month now, so we will see if there is any improvments.

TLDR: sister got married. felt alright today. fuck the fog. lets party.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Post getting drunk update that no-one probably cares about:

Got very drunk last night, was up til 4:30 AM, woke up at 10 AM. Feeling pretty damn good today for being so wild last night. Anxiety is a little higher as expected but not nearly as bad as I thought. Just have like random hard heart beats with my anxiety, very tolerable. Fog is a bit worse also as expected.

Not gunna lie, very happy about how un-super awful I feel today. Anyways gunna sleep the lest of the residual anxiety off by going to bed early tonight. Phocus messaged me her headache treatment so Im gunna maybe do that after a couple days.

Cheers, pm is always open.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Something I've been thinking about:

Basically I had the spiral for 4 months. Everything was going nuts in my mind. Everything felt different and stuff. My brain was going a million miles a minute and I felt like my life was changing. Now after that intense panic, its weird that everything is literally the same as before. My house and family are the exact damn same. Nothings changed, not even myself really. Sure, I have rampant anxiety and im depressed but nothing at all has really changed.

Fog/floaters/anxiety is still a battle. I need to figure out what the fuck to do with this. Honestly I'm waiting on the results of people's SGB. If it is successful, I really hope my parents support it after a long discussion with them. Ill probably say I have chronic headache for 4 months, because honestly this is what it feels like.

Side note: if anyone plays rocket league lmk


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

Yeah, I'm like this too. I feel like a failure. I don't know why. It makes me sad. I am so poor. I don't know why. I'm so sad all the time. I'm no success. Any amount of partying makes me feel like I'm a success. But that doesn't mean I'm a success. My mother is a failure too. Everyone knows that every woman's purpose in life is to find a family. Everyone wants a family.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Feeling quite good today.

Went to the library to pick up some books, want to practice reading and comprehension and memory retaining of what i read. Also did some plant transferring of my vegetables that Ive been growing for almost a month now. Theyve gotten quite big already. 

The gym workout today felt good. I swear intense exercise definitely expedites this recovery process. I dont really know what else to say about today, other than I've been feeling pretty good. Anxiety has been at a low as well. Might turn my 4 days a week lifting schedule into a 4 days a week lift/3days a week run or jog just to get moving. I feel like it's really helping.

I also think that getting a shit ton of sleep helps the brain to rest from the intense panic it went through. Ive been averaging like 9+ hours most days. Idk, In a couple weeks, I want to dumb it down to the standard 8 hours.... Still need to find a job to fill up my time. Video games and napping arent going to keep me occupied. Also doesnt help that most of my friends are doing life shit and/or day drinking so I cant really spend time with them.

Just wanna crack open a cold one with the boys lol. Forreal though.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Meh day. Need to learn to be comfortable with being bored and I need to stop having these anxiety spurts of "please just be done with this now so i can get back to my life."

Hurt my neck today when playing basketball so thats quite uncomfortable.

Fog continues.

You know that feeling (maybe) where youre over-rested and you have a lot of energy and you need to exert it? Thats what im feeling except that jittery exertion-desire feeling is just becoming anxiety lol. Fun stuff.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Or maybe this anxiety is me saying go the fuck outside and do something with friends or a job or something.

Anyone know of meds that arent going to make me an addict but treat anxiety disorders? Not like klonopin or xanex, but something thats not like an "emergency pill" and more of a gradual anxiety stabilizer?

Thinking of scheduling a pdoc appt for something next week just to get on the radar, talk about the next steps, and officially have documentation of me going through some deep shit.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Interesting story:

Back in the worst of it (spiral etc), I was drunk one night came home and decided to vent to my whole college house about what was going on.

I told them I was going through something called Depersonalization and derealization..

And my bottom floormate cut me off and he was like "where you kinda feel like youre living in a dream? Yea, i had something like that when I was 15 or 16 but its gone now." And I just stopped talking. I was literally in disbelief that he or anyone that I even know went through something like this. Also, he is one of the most grounded and down-to earth people I know right now, very responsible and caring guy Since then my respect, which was already very high, really skyrocketed for him and it was reassuring that even someone I know has gone through it and made it out the other end.

I didnt ask him much about it, I didnt want to go in depth with him but if he knew what I was talking about and was able to describe it, I believe him. He wasnt one to lie anyways.

So yea thats my story for the night. Goodnight all.

1 day at a time.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Somehow have a job interview type thing for a research group. Makes like 600 a week lol. Really fucking nervous to hold a job and my pressure on my head is definitely there in full effect right now. I hope I don't look like an imbecile when I get there tomorrow. I need some fucking xanex lmao. Fuck anxiety, just give me my intelligent mind back lol.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

So this job is not what it I thought it would be, still got the position though. But man in that interview I had no idea what I was saying, anxiety was spiking like crazy and the DP was pretty strong. I might not take the job though, and look for a more...normal type job. I feel like this is proof my DP is truly anxiety related-- which is a....relief? Idk. Still fog battling.

Really just want to have some cathartic experience that cleanses me completely. After some heavy thought, I do think my tipping point was weed, with stress being a major factor. Anyways, fuck this shit still.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

The gym is like a magic pill. Really normalizes me as close to my "old self" as possible. I really love going there.

Seeing a psychiatrist on monday. I am willing to try meds to deal with the anxiety. I've realized that the summer is the best time to try meds instead of during the school year.

In another note, I was staking (gambling) on runescape last night and made 1.3b gp lmao if anyone understands the game.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Hi all,

Havent been on this forum much (Thankfully) the past few days. Still fogged up/anxious but life goes on.

Saw a pdoc today. First time ever, was really nervous. He prescribed me Lexapro (escitalopram) 5mg/day. Im really nervous to start it. I sobbed after I left the pdoc, i guess the realization that my life has come to this.

Im also gunna try the uridine stack. Just need to order it still.

Was gunna go down to where my college friends are for the 4th of july, but now that im starting that medication I dont think I will.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Hi all. Again, 4 days since I've been on. Wow, what have I even done.

Was at my college since wednesday to see my girlfriend. Was a really good time. I drank a fair bit yesterday night, and today woke up with no alcohol-related anxiety. Really awesome because in the worst of it, even 1 glass of wine would render me useless the next day.

Also, drove 2.5 hours on my own on the highway which im really proud of myself for doing.

Still fog/floater/anxiety battle.

Today, however, I just (like 5 mins ago) took my first 5mg dose of lexapro (escitalopram). Fuck man. I'm fucking nervous. Like nervous as hell man. This shit better be worth it.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Day 4 of lexapro. 5mg aint doing shit. Literally no side effects.

I feel like the brain fog/pressure is less than it was a month ago too. I do think I've become VERY much more aware of this visual snow and its pissing me off to no end. 

Remaining symptoms: Anxiety, VS (minimal), Tinnitus (not that loud at all, only hear it at bed time/wake up), floaters.






This video after staring at it for 2-3 minutes gives me incredible clarity for a short period of time. Its crazy. This could also be a way to check if you have VS without really realizing it.


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Does anyone have any visual snow advice? 

When I look at a white/dark wall, its filled with little pinpricks of everychanging light. Life isnt perfectly clear anymore  Fuck this shit man.


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

cl1max said:


> Does anyone have any visual snow advice?
> 
> When I look at a white/dark wall, its filled with little pinpricks of everychanging light. Life isnt perfectly clear anymore  Fuck this shit man.


Yea! Fuck this shit for real! I'm so damn mentally exhastated


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)




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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

Life has been alright


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

No longer answering messages except for a few people who I have a running conversation with (you know who you are)


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## dope (Aug 31, 2016)

I'm sorry man...Well, at least I'm happy you're saying a big "Fuck you bitch" to DP and enjoying life. Props man!


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

@dope I think im slowly getting over DP 100%, I just need time. Ill come to the forums every once in a while (right now I average 4-5 minutes a day, once a day) to see if people respond to my threads, but the messages can be really negative sometimes and I need some emotional distance from everything that happened in the past 6.5 months and dont want to be talking too much about it.

Currently I am still battling brain fog, mild visual snow, floaters, tinnitus, supposed TMJ (which is REALLY pissing me off). I started a uridine stack yesterday (Uridine 300mg, vit b complex, magnesium, fish oil) and have been taking super lions mane for the past week to week and a half I'd say. In about a week, I will be adding choline to the uridine stack which is supposed to really help I guess, idk. I really hope this stack does something, Ive seen loads of reviews for it working well with brain fog.

I am still doing the lexapro, which has helped tremendously with anxiety. Currently on 15mg (got upped from 10mg 4 days ago) and I took my first 5mg dose in 6/30/17. There have been little to no side effects which I am thankful about and I have no problem being on this for the next month to month and a half.

I have been getting to the gym to lift and/or do cardio 4 or 5 out of 7 days now, and have more motivation to leave the house. I volunteer at 2 hospitals, each for about 3-4 hours once a week.

Its the night time that really bothers me still, where the fog changes and I feel better but at the same time worse. It's weird.

Anyways, I am optimistic about my stance in recovery at the current time and am praying for all of this to be a distant (non)-memory at some point in my life.

The motto is "one day at a time" and it always will be.


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