# Day to Day basis



## TheYoungOne (Jan 10, 2012)

Well, I've never been officially diagnosed with DPD but I've known I'm... off. How I am was just bugging me, I thought this can't be natural, so I tried researching my feelings and I stumbled upon DPD.
Well, nothing feels real, everything is a dream. I feel like an alien who overtook this body and absorbed her memories, I don't feel connected to the memories though. Nothing makes sense, I don't understand anything. I truly feel like an alien. The way of life is weird these words, these objects, this life, how people think what they say, looks, expression, it's... insane, I don't understand any of it. I barely feel human. I hate looking in the mirror now. Everytime I look in the mirror, I have no idea whose looking back at me. I can't honestly say I know her. Then I have these moments where I completely space out and almost have a panic attack because I feel like I woke up in someone else's skin, this isn't me, this isn't my life. Nothing makes sense! I have no drive I feel no motivation. I'm not passionate about anything. I vaguely remember what it's like to feel, I miss it, it was painful and awful but I miss it. I hate that I feel empty, I hate that I can't just FEEL! Nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad, everything I got amusement from or happiness slowly stopped gratifying me with those emotions. Now it's just.. NOTHING! I don't who I am. I don't know my family or friends, I don't know anything! I'm so disconnected is the right word I suppose. The only thing I can compare it to is once, when I was a kid and I was verrryy sick, I felt so odd. I felt as if I was hovering two feet above my body, but I wasn't actually in it. I kind of feel like that all the time now. I have these moments when I'm out with people and I just.. freak out... "This isn't real, what am I doing! I don't even know these people!!" When I'm merely going out for dinner with a friend I've known for 2 years.

Also, -this isn't DPD I don't think- But hey spill my guts right? It's like.. something broke in my head. The barrier that blocked out all the different stages of my mind during growth, who I am, and who I want to be, cracked. So I'll feel like present me I suppose, then I'll flash back to when I was 3 and gloriously happy, then I'll go to when I was like 10 when I was into a deep dark depression, then now, then to like 6, then to like 13 when I survived by hating everything. Then I'll go back to me now, then I'll act like who I want to be, then I get so lost and realize I'm none of them. I can't be all of these people. I'm not HER! THAT ISN'T MY LIFE, THAT ISN'T MY STORY! 
It's really bad when I feel like all of them at once, I feel so torn.

-I'm not schizophrenic, no matter how crazy the above paragraph sounds, it's not different personalities it's just like I bounce through different stages of my life constantly so rapidly I can't... be.-

Please someone comment, tell me if you feel the same way, tell me I'm not crazy. I just ugh, I don't know anything.


----------



## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

I can really relate to that- a lot of it. I can say I do the same thing in bouncing through random memories and stages of my life. The thing is i can never really sort them out, and its like i dont purposely think about them. And I do sometimes have that inconfidence in who i am now. I mostly i just feel in a dream and often dont have much self awareness.

Personally i think the key to all this is taking control of your thought. Im not sure how to do this consistently with dp though.


----------



## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

If you want to know if it's dpd or "just" dp, best way is to see a therapist who specializes, but one who doesn't can still give you the interviews and surveys.

I don't have many flshback ish kind if things because I don't have half the memories I should. And the ones I have &#8230; well I certainly don't care to revisit. Although things leak through from time to time but not in any coherant manor&#8230;


----------



## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

Your experience does sound like DP to me and I can relate to parts of it. In my experience, yeah it can feel like you're 'losing your mind or self', but I think it's actually more of a disruption in the normal flow of the different parts of the mind than it being an actual loss, which is important to remember. For instance, the 'real you' or familiar you is still there somewhere, but it is difficult to connect with that part of that sense since there's possibly an emotional blockage or disruption in the way. But then once those things are dealt with over time, you can start to feel more normal again. The feelings not 'lost forever', which I think is important to remember.


----------



## juls09 (Jan 25, 2012)

i def. relate to the dream like feeling its very scary. they put me on antidepresnts and they are really helping the dream like feeling.


----------

