# Questions for the recovered?



## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

Please help me! I'm wondering if this sounds like depersonalization to you guys? I'm pretty much desperate so bear with my freaking out and sorry for the lengthy post.. I tend to try to give a lot of details.

It's like I can't feel anything for the things I WANT. If you do what you want to do in life and if you're a situation you'd normally be happy about aren't you supposed to feel it?!?! I can't feel anything!

I'm so frustrated already because I can't feel for the things that I WANT to feel like I'm enjoying doing.. especially for my boyfriend...

I love him. I KNOW I DO! I get pissed off if someone is telling me that I don't love him. That's enough to be convinced that I love him right? But why is it I can't feel anything for him or anything else that I love but I know I LOVE THEM! It's so frustrating it makes me want to cry all the time..

This is my situation.. I WANT TO DO THINGS, I want to be with people,I love people, I'm supposed to enjoy things.. BUT EVEN IF I GET WHAT I WANT I STILL CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.. Which makes me think that I DON'T WANT IT or I DON'T LOVE THEM.. because I don't feel anything about it or about them.. it's so crazy I don't know what to do anymore...Any advice on this?

It's like out of the blue this happened to me after a health scare. (I freaked out about having hemmorrhoids, I thought it was a cancer or something.. my feelings disappeared right after I calmed down from the freaking out because of the bump. But that's not the only time I worried immensely about my health. I've had quite a few scares even ever since I was a kid.. I'm always so paranoid about my health.. I don't like it when I feel like something's wrong with me)

I remember tweeting last Jan 22 "This is the best day ever! Thanks babe! I love you so much!" And then the feeling just "MAGICALLY" disappeared EXACTLY a week after Jan 29 is when I noticed I don't feel anything or I don't feel the same anymore... Help! How do I become myself again? Does anyone else feel this way?!

Is this still a part of depersonalization?

is there no way that my feelings can come back on its own? I really wish it would..

I have another question.. Anxiety can amplify a really small problem right? Is it possible that I actually feel something but I think I don't ? Because I have these 'gut feelings' I don't really feel them but like... I feel like I should hug this person, say this, do that and it feels right but I don't actually "feel anything" I'm not sure if you get what I mean but something inside me tells me to do something and that's what steers my life right now.. I hope someone gets it. I mean.. What else will I follow? I'm an impulsive person and all that's why I let my feelings do the moving and talking and stuff but now I can't feel anything something inside me just tells me to do this or that... Are those my feelings being blocked by something or...? I don't know... it's weird. A lot of people tell me I'm over thinking it.. I'm always trying to look for my feelings and stuff like that... I always LOOK for it before I do anything... I always anticipate my feelings ever since I noticed I didn't feel the same anymore... I'm not sure if it's come back but I think I don't feel anything or I still don't feel anything at all. A lot of people are telling me to embrace the feeling of not feeling anything or feeling 'out of it' and things would just fall into place.. And some people are also telling me it's all in my head. They said the mind is a powerful tool that's why it can make small problems seem really big... Which is what I do a lot so I'm just wondering if there's anything I need to worry about..

Here in my country, it's very rare that people see therapists and psychiatrists.. although, I've been to two already... They say it's anxiety related.

Sometimes when I try not to think about it... I get anxious because people say it will get better if I get it out of my head and focus on what's real in my life and like "GO WITH THE FLOW" but ugh.. it's so hard to stop thinking about it when you feel nothing for anything every single day. Sometimes I try to divert my attention away but it gets me more panicky if I stop thinking about it and STILL can't feel anything...

Help! Please... I need some advice...

And please don't say "you must not love him anymore." THIS 1 YEAR RELATIONSHIP CAN'T BE LIKE THIS IN A WEEK. I was in a 4 year relationship once and even months after I wasn't over him yet just PROOF that I'm not that kind of person. And plus, I wouldn't be killing myself worrying about this if I really didn't love him anymore.

MY BIG QUESTION IS: WHAT DO I DO NOW? HOW DO I GET MY FEELINGS BACK FOR HIM.. THAT'S THE ONLY THING I WANT TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW (

Let me share my almost exact feelings that I found on the net: 
You feel you have no more emotions whether positive or negative. You just feel "blah" about life. It can be distressing when you KNOW you care about somethings but you don't FEEL anything about it now.
Emotions may also come and go for no reason. You know you feel something in your head, but can't find it in your heart. You may also not care about anything anymore. in a sense, you have NO emotions about anything or things you used to.

I don't understand how I can WANT something but not feel anything for it.. and the ONLY THING I WANT is to feel love for him again because I KNOW I love him and something just isn't right about not feeling love for him and I KNOW it's not because I fell out of love with him because I can't feel for some places and events as well.. is it just the DP? I just really want to be connected with my feelings for him again. THAT'S THE ONLY EFFING THING I WANT IN THIS WORLD why can't I feel for it ( It's so frustrating..It's sucking the happiness out of me! I'd rather be emotionless than leave him so that must mean I love him.. and I know I do.. I love him so much! BUT UGH.. Not feeling anything is making me think that I don't even when I DO! ASDFGHJKL

What helps you FEEL more? 
Um, also.. I'm wondering how feeling again feels like (confusing, I know)I just don't remember how to feel the things I used to feel because that was automatic before.. now I KNOW how they felt but I don't know how to feel it again. You get what I mean?

Once I recover will I get used to the 'not feeling anything' and continue to feel hollow inside because that's the thing I've been used to ever since DP hit me or will I feel again like I used to?

If anyone else can answer this please please please do! I've been so scared (even if I can't feel it, I just know I am)


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## actor_bs (May 26, 2012)

DP is disturbed state of mind, but that doesn't mean that "old you" is gore, and all the emotions with it.. I had hernia surgery few months ago and I remember that I couldn't imagine standing up or walking for the first day. that seemed so impossible. but after one week, when wound healed a bit, i started walking somehow again and after some time standing and walking became so normal again.

the same happened with the DP. I exactly remember my first DP episode and all the thouhts about emotions ad feelings (allmost the same that you explained). then I recovered and all my "old I" was there, unharmed. so, your mind surely has some other more important issues than emotions by your boyfriend, even you don't realize it..
don't bother with all the questions that you mentioned in your post. you will not find the answer. try to focus on problems that brought you in this emotionless state, and when you resolve it everything will come back to normal.

when you are sick, when you have toothache or some psychical pain or anything, your mind is focused on that and you don't feel other things in normal way. the same thing is with DP.

try to resolve issues that brought you to this state (anxiety, depression, trauma, presonal problems, family problems, complexes..whatever) and don't try to push your mind on impossible questions.


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

The last event I could remember before the DP was a health scare.. I thought hemmorrhoids were something life-threatening so I freaked out a lot and got all sad over it and when I figured out it was nothing that's when I calmed down. After realizing it was nothing, that's when I couldn't feel the same anymore.. It was also a stressful week for me.. that time.

How could I fix that?








Here's how I can explain it.. um..

I love him, and I know I do because I've gone through so much to prove that I love him and I want to be with him forever. But ever since that health scare I couldn't seem to feel anything, I felt hollow and numb around him and around other people I'm used to feeling happy and excited with. The numb feeling is making me THINK I don't love him (because obviously, I can't feel anything for him) but I really DO. I know myself well enough to know when I love a person and when I don't but it's just so frustrating how I can't feel it! I feel like there's something blocking my feelings or there's a HUGE blanket of numbness over me..

Everyday I think about how I'm feeling about him and everyday I'm desperately wishing for it to come back. I don't want to be with anybody else and if ever he leaves me I'd rather feel numb like this because I don't want to feel for anyone else but him..

Sometimes, I don't know.. it comes randomly and this happens especially when I'm around him.. I feel my love for him again. but that is when my mood is better and everything looks clear and un-foggy.. but like I said, I don't know how to feel that way it just comes randomly and when I realize that I actually feel something again.. it fades away and it's gone again. This is also how I know I still love him.

It really is a stressful time for me and I hope this will pass. I hope that my feelings for him and everything and everyone I love will come back again..

My feelings have steered my life for as long as I remember. I'm the type of person who goes with what I feel and acts accordingly... now that I can't feel much there's just something inside me that makes me do it and I don't know what it is. Something inside me tells me to hug my boyfriend even if I can't feel anything and I do hug him and it feels right but not in a sense that I can feel anything it just seems right to do that because I love him.

And when something inside me tells me to say "I love you." to him, I say it and I know I mean it but I can't feel anything still..

What does this mean?







( I'm so confused..


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## actor_bs (May 26, 2012)

it means that this health scare injected so much fear in you that you reject any positive feeling. you deny to feel happy because you are scared that you will be frustrated again and feel much worse. so you close yourself for emotions so nothing can hurt you anymore. but you close yourself for all emotions so you feel like you are departed from world.

I was in similar situation, I was in deep problem, a had very serious suicide thoughts... what happened is when my mind couldn't resolve anymore that frustration and suicide thoughts it commited "mental suicide" - DP attack. i was alive and healthy, but mentally i was zombie, emotionless..

so, you just have to let positive emotions back in you. ignore thinking about it just let them in. I think that all your "numb" state is triggered by this fear of hemmorrhoids so you commited "mental suicide". and now you have to bring your self to life. and you can, it isn't so complicated. just let positive things feed you. your mind will realize -"well. everythings ok now" and it will come out from this stucked state.
it can be hard at the beggining it's like loss of appetite when you are sick. but you have to eat food somehow, so body can get energy to fight the sickness. the same is with positive emotions. don't deny them, don't be afraid of them, let them in, and remember that this health scare isn't so big problem - many people live with it.


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

But yes, you may be right about that because during the time this happened was the week after I found out about my hemmorrhoids but after figuring out it wasn't much to worry about.. I became fine and when I calmed down from the scare, I realized "Holy shit my feelings are gone!"

Also the time when I had my hemmorrhoids I couldn't go to the bathroom regularly because it hurt a lot and that made me sort of sad and really really down.. I could say depressed but in a mood sense not in the sickness...sense...

Actually, my hemmorrhoids problem isn't my problem anymore. Now it's the numbness.. does the same technique of getting better apply if I'm worried about not feeling anything anymore? After the hemmorrhoids scare, this came and this became the next thing I was worrying about... actually, this is the scariest thing I've ever felt in my life. I've never felt so blank and helpless. It's like I'm stuck in a glass bullet-proof cage and can't get out..

Does ignoring it and letting positivity in apply to my situation right now?

PS.
When I read how to get better, usually it says to go with the flow, ignore it and live like you don't have DP and the longest I've ignored it was for 2 days and I freaked out because it wasn't working and i just feel so hopeless when I ignore it and nothing comes rushing back to me... am I just impatient? I think about it almost everyday because I'm trying to figure out how to cure it..







(

I also always do try to let positive emotions in.. but how do I do that if I can't feel anything ?


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## actor_bs (May 26, 2012)

well, DP is called habit of thinking for reason. I do believe that root of the problem passed (but you must be aware that this health problem was only trigger and you should consider other smaller isuuses that surely bother you) but your mind is trained now to work in this defence state, so nothing of emotions can pass and you're under glass bullet-proof cage. I know that feeling, you think that if you relax and enjoy in the moment something terrible will happend, you'll lose control so you force yourself to be on alert all the time, so that you can handle situation. but that is the wrong way and you are just feeding endless spiral of thoughts witch is horrible state.

well first accept that you will live in the glass cage for some time (no one is able to recover in 2 days btw







, and dont make big deal of it. REALLY DON'T!!(repeat this in your head each time you get really scared, it works!!), I know that it sounds inpossible but many recovery experiences state that it IS possible.


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

I'll really try.. I end up freaking out once I notice I still can't feel anything. I just have this desperation to feel for him again because he's ONE BIG CHUNK of my life right now.

I remember, before this happened, I was so excited to go on a class trip and after that week of freaking out about the hemmorrhoids... the day we we're going on our class trip my feelings have dulled down and they didn't seem to work anymore. It's just... distressing to know you care about things but can't feel them so it makes you think you don't care about them then you stress about that feeling because you know you really do

/sob/


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