# Derealization making me miserable. Help?



## KiraGee (Aug 16, 2011)

Hi, I'm new to the forum, and I apologize if this has been written here a million times.
But at this point I feel like I can only talk to people who can possibly relate to me, as everyone
I know usually has no idea what I'm talking about/going through, so I gave up trying to explain to people
how I feel. This might be a bit lengthy, but please, bare with me.

It started last spring, when being a dumb teenager, I decided to try weed. After letting the joint pass
around between 4 people, holding it back until the joint came back to you, something strange started
happening to me. Everything started looking weird,the grass in front of me became bright green, and suddenly
I was super aware of whats going on inside me, including my heart that started being faster and faster.
Not understanding whats going in i focused on it, and that's when I got my first panic attack.
My heart was beating so fast it felt like a vibration, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, my senses gave out
for the next 10-15 minutes,I thought that I was dying. After a few minutes of horror I slightly started feeling
things, decided to get up to leave my company,not being able to walk properly,I landed on the ground. It didn't bother me, with a pounding
heart,I was praying to all the Gods out there to make it stop.

For the next week I was suffering from extreme anxiety, fearing the experience to come back again. I got two solid panic attacks before
I eventually calmed down for a few weeks. I didn't even notice how it happened,but I became extremely paranoid, and very introverted.
Derealization was creeping up on me slowly, I only noticed a few months later, when everything felt already 'unreal'.
It wasn't as extreme,until one day,my chest started vibrating and I mistook it for my heart, and got another anxiety attack.

Since then, the feeling of unreality became constant. I started having migranes, and if not migranes, they were petty headaches
in my forehead that no painkiller could cure. My vision started acting up, it felt like there's something wrong with my eyes.
I became so stressed out over it, not knowing what it is, I thought I was going mad. 
The worst thing about it is not being able to take anything in. I just can't grasp the simplest things, I can't work it out in my head.
It always drives me to tears, not being able to think about things properly. The outside world has become like a bad movie to me,
I can't feel it at all. And when I try to concentrate on that feeling,try to figure out what that 'reality' is, I get freaked out,
because it just doesn't click with me. My mood swings are also really bad, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm bipolar as well.

I stopped seeing a reason in doing anything,everything became pointless,most of the time I'm down, remembering what I was like before, being able to feel 'alive', nowadays when I'm happy, it's bitter happy, cause I know the horrible feelings are going to come me back again.

Obviously, all this made me give up on my hobbies, as they all seemed pointless. I don't enjoy anything
because I don't see the point. I lost all my friends, and making friends seems to be such a task, because at this
stage, I can't even figure out how to talk to people. It makes me feel worthless and self conscious.Anxiety and paranoia are my daily
companions, i also noticed problems with my memory.
I try to be strong and pick myself up, but its becoming hard now, knowing i'll break again.

It's been over a year and there has been no improvements. If something, it only got worse. 
That experience with marihuana has left me with arrhytmia and derealization, I also discovered a pineal 
cyst in my brain, although I do not know if that's related to that or not.
I saw a psychotherapist who prescribed me some meds(which i couldn't take after all because they we're too rough on my heart) and adviced
me to go to a therapy, which was just as useless. I generally can't take any medication for it, such
as anti depressants, because my heart simply won't take it.

I'm only 17 and with this condition, I feel like my life is going down the drain.
If there's anyone out there with any sort of advice, or anyone who can relate to how I feel, please give me a shout.
I would really appreciate it.

Thanks


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## Deleted Account (Jul 26, 2010)

Welcome to the group, if you need to talk i'm here!


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