# This is Brill ! ! !



## chiendeguerre (Nov 12, 2006)

Hiya!

Well I feel very special now. I am part of a unique and dripping wet newborn aspect of a western sense of identity.

I honestly believe that this AMAZING sensation, presently regarded I think as horrible, is going to evolve into maybe the quintessential element in a contemporary human beings sense of existential awareness.

e.g. recognising ones own existence in an objectively critical way.

My name is Paul, I live in Liverpool in the UK(England). I am 40yrs and have 3 kids. Two boys James&Jack(16,13) and a little treasure, Rhiannon(2). I started to experience depersonalization in my late 20's and I do admit it was a terrifying time for me. It started, I think, when I suddenly realised one night that my time was limited and I was mortal. At that time I didn't give it anymore thought but in the recesses of my psyche, a worm was starting to squirm.

I would describe my experience as like shedding a skin. I became self aware and I did not like what I found. The short story is I had a severe and morbid crisis of identity involving issues of race and subconscious feelings of self loathing tied to deep fear instilled in childhood.

Larkin was so so right in his poem on parents.

Anyway, I have to admit to not reading any of the other posts yet as i was giddy with the discovery of this forum on DP.

I'll get busy now. Absolutely delighted to be here and looking forward to joining in discussions on Depersonalization.

Geronimo !


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

Welcome to the site.

M


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Welcome to the site chiendeguerre, 
I can appreciate why you may think dr/dp is a good thing. Certainly adds a new dimension to life. But just like you said in your PM to me, you can look at things in two different ways, like how things appear differently when you use one eye and then the other. It depends on the criteria you use. 
The criteria I use are:

Do I have personal peace?
Am I able to function easily mentally?
How is my physical health?

I can count the number of times I have been peaceful and able to think straight since my dissociative explosion on one hand. My physical health and my appearance has gone down hill, although I am slowly clawing myself back to a level of health.

In short, it's nothing against you, I respect your opinion and I am glad you are on the board, but why convince people that living like this is good? I mean, dissociation is a state of denial, where you conscious mind is split and parts of your brain are not communicating with each other as they should (hence memory problems). Is it really possible to see a state of mind that causes this as good? Why, the experience of dissintegration is an interesting one...I've had many interesting insights and sensations...and while I wouldn't want to swap most of my experiences for anything, I would rather be healthy and peaceful than live with this.


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## chiendeguerre (Nov 12, 2006)

Have you read The Catcher in the Rye?

What did you think of it? do you recognise yourself in Holden Caulfield or Have I totally misread your personality? Forgive me, I live in the UK and I think american birds are either pretty and moronic knuckleheads ala Britney or dark and moody little brainboxes. You seem to me to be of the latter persuasion.

To be honest I am reluctant to offer any opinion on what the experience may be like for a woman. I am a male and as such am not in an adequate place to reach an understanding of it from a female perspective. One of my other firmly held convictions is that, for better or worse, Men and Women are fundamentally different in their psychological makeup as well as their physical makeup. I think and feel that it is Mans tendency to break when the pressure becomes to great to bare. While this may sound like an irretrievable position, it is actually an advantage over women in that it allows us the ability to modify and rebuild our self image. Women, I think and feel, are more bound by their nature to yield. While this provides women with an incredible potential for endurance, something I believe you are famous for, it binds you too the less advantageous position that you are less able to adapt to the situation this places you in psychologically. When men cry it is an act of surrender, when women cry it is an act of withdrawal and you can keep on doing it. further and further until you become lost not just to other people, but to yourselves.

When I had my breakdown and I realised what my mother had been going through, I tried to reach her. I went to the hospital where she was and after literally forcing the hobbit like staff member out of her room, I tried to speak to her soul, spirit or "self". At first she didn't respond and was kind of confused. I realised my searching eys were actually a distraction and I looked down and then a strange thing happened, I heard a clear and coherent voice come from her. It said, "You can't reach me". I looked up but she was gone.

I often think of this and consider these four words to be the only time Monica has ever spoken to me.

Sorry if I seemed overbearing or presumptous, I am a bit of a chauvenist but I try to keep it in the best possible taste. Your criteria seem, to me, to place constraints on your potential to escape the dilemma of being caught in the web of fear and self recrimination.

Nobody has personal peace.
Very pew people function even adequately mentally
Your physical health is dependant on your habits. Do you smoke?

As for saying that its good to be in a state of fear and confusion which DP is widely perceived to be, I feel I am doing the best thing I can in my circumstances. God knows we have enough bigotry and prejudice aimed at us from society. Is it so wrong to be kind to ourselves? Thats just playing the game like "they" want it and is a hall of mirrors which our fear prevents us from smashing less the tinkling upsets the "norms".

what say you?


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## ClaireB (Dec 11, 2006)

Hi Chiendeguerre,

I'm Claire and I'm from Leeds, uk. It is reallt great to hear that someone out there doesn't mind feeling like this. I however hate it. I can live with it but I would so much prefer to be back to my normal self.

Do you think you will have it forever? I am healthy, don't drink or smoke and my dp is still there. Its not as bad as it was but I'm still not 'normal', whatever that is. How did yours start?


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## Hopefull (Dec 1, 2006)

There is that word again ( NORMAL ) but you are so right in saying "what ever that is"

You can not compare, there is only one you.
We are all unique. I know you meant normal as in not depersonalized, but I just hate the word normal for what ever reason.

Oh, And I also hate dp, and I don't think we will have it forever, or should I say get it forever.

Do you get dp a lot?

Bailee


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## ClaireB (Dec 11, 2006)

I have it all the time. I'm having cognitive behavioral therapy and the doc has just asked me to fill in a questionaire about it to see what my symptoms are and how bad they are.

I don't have the feelings of not recognising myself, or anything like that, I just constantly feel not with it - like i'm in my mind and not my body. I can't seem to 'ground' myself.

What are your symptoms? Does it hold you back from doing things?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

A bit of a chauvenist? A little presumptious? :lol: Never have I heard such unabashed honesty. It's like a murderer admitting his crim and expecting everyone to understand and clap approvingly.

But, er, welcome. Please remember this is a community, and most of us here deal with people on a human level. That is, we are all equals - psychologically and otherwise.

Your presumptions regarding the female psypathology of DR/DP are wildly incorrect and a little insulting - even to me, a male and the crowned emperor of insults.

And your presumptions that DR/DP is (sorry as I stiffle a yawn) some form of bizarre existential enlightenment is so far wide of the mark it has fallen off the edge of the radar a long, long time ago. DR/DP is a recognised psychiatric disorder. End of story. But if you enjoy it, then good for you; perhaps you should visit a 'site' that attracts people of that, well, persuasion. Just except a lot of similar presumption. Probably to do with aliens or DR/DP being a door way to the 14th dimension. You get my drift, I'm sure.

Just don't expect the overwealming majority of people on here to agree with you.


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## Hopefull (Dec 1, 2006)

Yes, we have explored the idea that there may be some correlation between depersonalization and an enlightenment of sorts, but it ended up becoming very ugly, in fact the thread was deleted.

Bailee :roll:


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