# My journey to recovery.



## revuptheglory (Feb 14, 2016)

Hey guys  I'm Alexandra.

I suffered from Depersonalization for about 3-4 months which can be indeed 'nothing' compared to some. It was a crazy crazy experience definitely. I mostly struggled with people which before hand, I had absolutely no trouble with. I was convinced that I was depressed, bipolar, and a solipsist/nihilist. Of course that was before I found "depersonalization"

I was in a constant state of hopelessness and inferiority. I was an awkward mess and pushed everyone away. School was absolute HELL. Most days I would forget to eat and compromise that by taking a ton of vitamins (B complex, Iron, Zinc, etc.) I also withdrew from everyone and was just completely out of touch with my surroundings. Even when I tried talking to people, all I could think about how shitty I felt. I of course had my days or better put.. minutes where I felt good, like everything was okay.. but I knew it wouldn't last for long. I also literally could NOT focus and forget everything. Time and date were literally unknown concepts during that time. I basically became the polar opposite of myself. Hopefully I'm not understating anything, because this was literally one of the most craziest points of my life.

Im still unsure what triggered this. I was on Accutane for acne-rosecea for a few months, and that is known to come with some crazy side effects.. and even then I had a lot of stress. But I can't seem to pin-point the exact reason why, and im in no rush too.

SO yeah.. that was me... every day.. until one day after my "normal" breakdowns. That was the day I finally got my mom to take me to a doctor to get me to a psychiatrist. After crying and complaining to my mom, I hopped in the bath tub and went on my phone. I was googling stuff and some how came to an article about "emotional resilience" i read it and it triggered some insight for me. Before the experience, I was a generally happy person, everyone loved me, I mean people were always confessing their undying love for me soo... ;< I was also pretty modest and relatively wise. I ate healthy, got straight As, had good friendships and was always the life of any party. Somewhere deep inside me however felt I had it too good.. That I didn't know what it was like to suffer and I couldn't truly help the people I was consoling with their problems. My bestfriend in particular, who always had relationship/family issues. I always wanted to put myself to the test.. and rock it out.

This concept of emotional resilience reminded me of this and was the first glimpse of hope I got in a long time. I then somehow started researching emotional intelligence. This lead me to realizing I was falsely mistaking my feelings for logical reasons to act. I hadn't taken the time to see that I lost all sense of right and wrong, good/bad. And so this became my goal.

Since I couldn't really pin-point any values I believed in at the time, I just started out with the golden rule. This helped me big time with interacting with people again.

I then realized I was on such a LOW level of awareness and consciousness. I also couldn't differentiate my fantasies from reality, nor my "thoughts" from my thoughts. SO to compensate for that, I started to narrate my own inner dialogue. NOT forcefully however. For I did realize that it should not feel like i'm gonna pass out. I just gently pushed myself.

I then started meditating and any type of mindfulness meditation for my senses felt like they have been completely fried. The hardest one to work on was my vision, but by gently focusing my attention I saw an improvement.

I also did things that I use to love. Like playing guitar, laying in the sun, singing, taking selfies, reading and drawing. What ever came to mind, just to distract myself from my constant stress.

AND I STOPPED GOOGLING DEPERSONALIZATION. This probably was the hardest step for me!

So..

1. ACCEPT your state of mind as it is right now.

2. STOP forcing yourself to get better.

3. Get in touch with your values and start acting on them asap!

4. Consciously narrate your life. This will help you differentiate what thoughts are "yours" and which aren't.

5. Meditate and get back in touch with your senses.

6. Eat, Get some sleep, and do not lose hope!

and If this doesn't work, going to speak to a professional probably sounds like your best bet. It could be something on a biological scale..

SO anyways here I am today. I still struggle a little with awareness, but it is almost nothing compared to back then. Im also very aware of what I can do and will keep working on what I have learned. In time im sure things will get better 

Now that I know that there are SOOOO many people dealing with this, this is my way of gaining closure, saying goodbye to depersonalization. Although it was horrible.. there was some bright sides and I feel better than I ever have. It truly was a most... enlightening experience. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure you guys will all find it.. Don't lose hope..


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## opti (Jan 30, 2016)

I am recovering no dr only dp any advise to make it little bit faxt iam 9 month now since i got it


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