# Ocd/dp



## Fzad24 (Jun 28, 2018)

I just have this constant habit of over analyzing and paying close attention to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I do. I even pay attention to how I think and the thoughts I get. It's horrible, and I honestly don't know how to escape this. I honestly can't even think anymore because of this, because I'm always so fixated on my thinking and how it works and all of that. And it's not just here and there. It's all. Day. Long. I can't stop focusing on when I'm thinking, what I'm thinking, and how I'm thinking. For example, if I go downstairs to get something to eat, I'll ask myself, "was that me wanting to get something to eat? Or was it just my brain telling me to?" That probably doesn't even make any sense but that's pretty much the best I can explain it. I'm just overly, overly obsessed with watching myself, my thought process, how it works, etc. Its seriously debilitating. And honestly, I can't even think of anything else anymore, because I can't understand how thinking works. Sometimes I can't even tell when I'm thinking, because I'm so obsessed and overly aware with catching myself thinking about something, and how it works. And sometimes I wonder, "is it me thinking the things I think about? Or is it just my brain reacting to things and processing information?" Or, "how do thoughts happen? What makes someone have a thought? Do they just pop into your head without you noticing, or does the person really want to think about what comes into their mind?" It should make sense, but for some reason I just can't make sense of it, no matter how much I think about it. It's really, really bad. It's like I don't even remember what it's like to actually think and be focused on something else, and be totally invested in something other than this crap. I can't even talk anymore, because whenever I go to talk to someone, I'm overly aware of the very act of me talking and responding. It's the weirdest thing. I'm also aware that I used to have social anxiety, and whenever I would talk to people, I'd be overly aware of myself. Not in the same way of course, this self awareness is a lot different, but I'd just always be overly self conscious. Now, I can't understand how that works. Like it just feels like I was never aware of myself being self conscious, if that makes sense lol. I mean I was, like I knew I had social anxiety, but I never actually analyzed it while it was happening, if that even makes sense. And now, whenever anyone talks to me, it's like I EXPECT myself to be that way. I've just been in this funk for so long that I don't even remember the way I used to act, and how I can even be the way I used to be again. It's like I haven't been a properly functioning human being in so long and now my brain is stuck in this completely disoriented mindset. And I can honestly say that I have never, EVER thought like this in my entire life. I've been kind of off for the past three months, but this really started about maybe a month ago or so. And it's not really just thoughts, it's also the act of just being aware, constantly, all day long. It's like I don't know how to BE anymore. I don't know how I'm going to live on like this, because if I'm constantly overly aware of myself, even my thoughts, then how am I going to effectively communicate with people and be in a relationship and all that if I can't even function? It really terrifies me that I'll always be like this and never get better. It just feels like I'm in too deep and that I can't unthink these things. It makes me want to kill myself a lot because I can't live on like this. Please help. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Chip1021 (Mar 24, 2018)

Hello there.

I really feel for you (well, not really, but in an intellectual way, I really understand what you are going through, and wish you weren't).

The difference between you and me Is that this is an new thing for you, whereas I've always thought in this fashion (it has increased in intensity as the years have progressed, but it's not fundamentally different from when I was 5). For you, that's probably both good and bad. Bad because it is new and probably terrifying and really confusing. But good because it's relatively recent, so there's a very good chance you can overcome this. I think the key is to try not to focus on it, distract yourself, and live life as normally as possible. I don't really know what that means, myself, since I've never lived life "normally", so others on this forum might be better at offering specifics. I would recommend taking a look at the "recovery" section, and experimenting with the things they suggest there.


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## Hopeful85 (Jul 8, 2018)

I know exactly what you are going through. Maybe not as intense but reading your words made me want to cry because of how perfectly you articulated how I have been feeling for the past 6 weeks. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything and I was happy and carefree and confident my whole life up until my experience with ocd,anxiety/depression and dp. It happened suddenly due to an unexpected reaction to marijuana of which I have a low tolerance. I got hit hard physically and mentally. I’ve lost 20lbs and think about things I never thought before. I didn’t know how to explain the dp to anyone I knew other than those with anxiety. I never had a panic attack but it seems as though my brain is on constant alert. Sleep is near impossible. I think constantly! I can’t shut it off. I feel disconnected all the time. It’s horrible. At first it was like some strange inner monologue going on non stop. My brain never really quiets. The only thing that helps is exercise and really distracting myself doing 2 things at once. I’m afraid of my own thoughts. I’m obsessed with googling everything I think or feel for some type of reassurance that I’m not crazy and I will be ok. I just happened to find this site today after weeks of reading about people but nothing as recent. Hopefully this message reaches you to let you know you are not alone as much as being in your own head can make you feel that way.


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