# Very severe DP. Totally hopeless...Help!



## InV

Hello from Germany.

I´ve been living with a severe Depersonalization/Derealization for 17 years which totally destroyed my life from every point of view.

Now it got even worse and i doubt a DP can be more severe. I can´t function at all. I can´t leave my appartment, i can´t work, i can´t socialize,i can´t concentrate,i´m extremely confused,i get more and more cognitive deficits, i can´t go anywhere. I don´t even recognize my mother as my mother...i could cry all day...

I´ve been a smart, active guy with a lot of friends around me and a life. Now i feel and act like an autistic retard. Like i already have dementia.

I can´t stand this and i wanna kill myself but i´m afraid of dying. I can´t live...i can´t die...i dunno what to do...

At least there is real effective treatment for severe mental disorders like schizophrenia for instance but i feel like a very severe DP is even worse than schizophrenia. The scariest,most terrifying,disturbing, hellish mental condition you can imagine...it must come straight from hell...

Should i just go to a hospital or are there any tipps to reduce the severity level of this condition? Meditation maybe?

I´m so frustrated....help me...


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## James2368

I would try Dr. Michal in Mainz. He specializes in DP and also offers hospital treatment. I can recommend his book. Gives you a very good insight into the various aspects of DP. Greetings from Germany


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## Thisisnotlife

17 years?! omg
its lot


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## bouquet

Hello!

Welcome to the forum!! I don't know if yours is anxiety related or a withdrawal of a drug, but a lot of people say it doesn't really matter how we got it really, I guess science will tell in some time!!

In the mean time, you should check the recovery section to see how others cope with their DP, think you will find a lot of effective strategies there!


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## InV

Thanks for all your answeres. I really appreciate it. I´ll check everything out here.

Yes...17 years indeed...Many people are surprised how i´m still alive and didn´t commit suicide yet.

I have no clue...

if this hell is gonna last for the rest of my life i have a real problem tho...


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## Sharon22

What are your symptoms? Dp can't hurt you it sounds like your anxiety is keepping it there xx


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## Thisisnotlife

do you have those symptoms 24/7? how old you are now :0


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## InV

Sharon22 said:


> What are your symptoms? Dp can't hurt you it sounds like your anxiety is keepping it there xx


Since i have a severe DP/DR the list is very long...i have like 95% of the known symptoms. Yes, it can´t hurt me but it´s destroying me though.


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## InV

Thisisnotlife said:


> do you have those symptoms 24/7? how old you are now :0


Yes i do have those symptoms 24/7 unfortunately. A total torture...

I´m 32.


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## forestx5

I've been to Mainz.Bad Kreuznach, Baumholder,Heidleberg, Berchtesgaden, Idar Oberstein and Trier. I travelled Europe with DP/DR as part of my "faking it until making it tour".

The tour lasted from 1971 to 2013, when I had ECT. I wish I had done it when I was 17, because I faked most of my life.


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## mar

James2368 said:


> I would try Dr. Michal in Mainz. He specializes in DP and also offers hospital treatment. I can recommend his book. Gives you a very good insight into the various aspects of DP. Greetings from Germany


i googled this Doctor and it gave me hope! he claims DP is treatable even if you had it for 20 years. he also says you don't have to find at therapist who is specialized in DP/DR. You just have to find one willing to do some research.

i wish there was a doctor specialized in DP/DR in Sweden though

@InV - Hang in there! you should definitely contact Dr. Michal!


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## Pondererer

InV said:


> Many people are surprised how i´m still alive and didn´t commit suicide yet.
> 
> I have no clue...


This is so relateable for me. Only for myself tho, no one knows what i've been through. I've been a silent sufferer my whole life, and i find myself asking: What kind of a coward idiot wouldn't kill themselves by now?? I'm 26 btw, had it my whole life, and for the last year i'm doing therapy, simple meds and told my parents. That's about it.


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## InV

Pondererer said:


> This is so relateable for me. Only for myself tho, no one knows what i've been through. I've been a silent sufferer my whole life, and i find myself asking: What kind of a coward idiot wouldn't kill themselves by now?? I'm 26 btw, had it my whole life, and for the last year i'm doing therapy, simple meds and told my parents. That's about it.


"no one knows what i've been through" Got you.And even if my entire environment knows what i have they still completely undererstimate it. For them i just act shy, confused, with a lower concentration and what not but that´s it. They don´t want to live with this disgusting condition for 1 single day...They would run to the next wall-crying and screaming.

"What kind of a coward idiot wouldn't kill themselves by now??" I know right?


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## snowcrash

Which treatment options have you tried so far?


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## InV

snowcrash said:


> Which treatment options have you tried so far?


Everything you can imagine. Everything.

Some meds made it even worse...


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## James2368

Did you try to get an appointment at the clinic?


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## sundar1989

Hang in there inv...love from India... I don't know if you have tried yoga but I recommend you do: albeit a simple one. I'm kind of having it for around 3years and I can relate to everything you say. Especially the demented part.


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## NotoriousLiar

InV said:


> They don´t want to live with this disgusting condition for 1 single day...They would run to the next wall-crying and screaming.


People who never dealt with this probably think we exaggerate, but they have no idea what it's like to suffer from full-blown dp/dr.

A few months ago I read a topic on a well known forum in my country where some guy who just recently got weed-induced DR started thinking about suicide after only 3 days. He also mentioned he never believed cannabis could ruin a persons life like this.

3 days...come on! I wonder how he would react if he got both DR and also full-blown DP without even doing anything to cause it.



Pondererer said:


> This is so relateable for me. Only for myself tho, no one knows what i've been through. I've been a silent sufferer my whole life, and i find myself asking: What kind of a coward idiot wouldn't kill themselves by now?? I'm 26 btw, had it my whole life, and for the last year i'm doing therapy, simple meds and told my parents. That's about it.


Creds for dealing with this for so long and telling your parents! Hope things work out for you!


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## InV

James2368 said:


> Did you try to get an appointment at the clinic?


I totally forgot to mention it: I already went to him many years ago+i was in "his" clinic+I bought his book. It didn´t help me at all.


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## nocturnalman

Hallo InV ,Ich war auch schon in so einer Phase ,sogar mehrmals ,gib nie auf ,alles kann sich plötzlich zum positiven ändern


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## InV

nocturnalman said:


> Hallo InV ,Ich war auch schon in so einer Phase ,sogar mehrmals ,gib nie auf ,alles kann sich plötzlich zum positiven ändern


Ja...es kann tatsächlich jederzeit geschehen. Jedoch bin ich langsam mit den Nerven am Ende. 17 Jahre lang ein tagtäglicher Kampf und Folter.Man hofft stets, dass es besser wird, doch dann kam vor 1-2 Monaten der große Schlag ins "Gesicht" und es ist seitdem noch schlimmer...Ein Albtraum. Ich könnte alle existierende Adjektive anweden um diese Qualen/diesen Zustand zu beschreiben und es würde als authentische Beschreibung immer noch nicht ausreichen. Ohne-Worte... Nun kommt es mir so vor als ob ich wieder bei 0 anfangen muss...Ich glaube ich habe mich noch nicht aufgehängt, weil ich es meiner Mutter nicht antun kann...Sonst wäre ich schon lange weg.

Danke für deine Worte.


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## James2368

InV said:


> I totally forgot to mention it: I already went to him many years ago+i was in "his" clinic+I bought his book. It didn´t help me at all.


Was genau hat dir nicht geholfen? 
Es ist ein täglicher Kampf und die DP macht einen fertig, so geht es mir auch manchmal. Aber dann kommen wieder bessere Tage und irgendwann versteht man den Auslöser...


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## InV

James2368 said:


> Was genau hat dir nicht geholfen?
> Es ist ein täglicher Kampf und die DP macht einen fertig, so geht es mir auch manchmal. Aber dann kommen wieder bessere Tage und irgendwann versteht man den Auslöser...


Der gesamte Klinikaufenthalt.Tabletten,Psychotherapie und eben alle anderen Therapien die alle mitmachen. Das Buch mit der Achtsamkeitsmeditation, welche ich täglich durchgeführt habe. Eben alles.

Das ist es ja. Es gibt (noch) keine besseren Tage. Bessere Tage nur in dem Sinne, dass ich weniger rumheule und etwas Freude empfinde, wenn ich mich bei einem guten Film ablenke, beispielsweise. Sonst weiss ich gar nicht mehr wie sich das Wort Lebensfreude anfühlt.


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## James2368

InV said:


> Der gesamte Klinikaufenthalt.Tabletten,Psychotherapie und eben alle anderen Therapien die alle mitmachen. Das Buch mit der Achtsamkeitsmeditation, welche ich täglich durchgeführt habe. Eben alles.
> Das ist es ja. Es gibt (noch) keine besseren Tage. Bessere Tage nur in dem Sinne, dass ich weniger rumheule und etwas Freude empfinde, wenn ich mich bei einem guten Film ablenke, beispielsweise. Sonst weiss ich gar nicht mehr wie sich das Wort Lebensfreude anfühlt.


Wie lange warst du in der Klinik? Bei mir ist erst besser geworden als ich wieder angefangen habe zu arbeiten. Erst Arbeitstherapie, dann eine Halbtagsstelle und dann wieder Vollzeit. Auch als ich angefangen habe mich meinen Ängsten zu stellen, wurde es besser....Sport hilft auch


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## TDX

> i googled this Doctor and it gave me hope! he claims DP is treatable even if you had it for 20 years. he also says you don't have to find at therapist who is specialized in DP/DR. You just have to find one willing to do some research.


I have read most of what Michal has published about depersonalization disorder. My conclusion: He doesn't have a treatment concept that on theoretical grounds would even remotely be supported by evidence or make sense. Basically it's the usual psychoanalytic bullshit. He also lacks empirical evidence for the efficacy of his proposed treatment, which is the controversial psychdynamic longterm-psychotherapy.

Still this didn't stop him to make a guideline in Germany that intends to effectively ban treatments like Lamotrigine, Naltrexone and Clonazepam that *could* work for some people, while every patient should be put through psychodynamic longterm-psychotherapy despite almost zero evidence for it being effective against depersonalization disorder.

In my opinion Michal is doing what psychosomatics do in chronic fatigue syndrome and several other disorders. His intention is not to help sufferers, but to delay the developement of effective treatments as best as possible. He is no help, but a serious threat for all depersonalized people.


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## Dragonz

forestx5 said:


> I've been to Mainz.Bad Kreuznach, Baumholder,Heidleberg, Berchtesgaden, Idar Oberstein and Trier. I travelled Europe with DP/DR as part of my "faking it until making it tour".
> The tour lasted from 1971 to 2013, when I had ECT. I wish I had done it when I was 17, because I faked most of my life.


Did ECT work for you?


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## forestx5

Did ECT work for you? 

ECT worked for me. I had the procedure every other day for 2 weeks, so I guess I had 7 (or more) induced seizures.

They were painless. They put an IV into my hand and introduced an anesthetic. I didn't care for the burning sensation,

but it was tolerable. When I came to, I was alert and felt fine. My depression lifted in the following weeks, and I began to

feel alive as I had not for decades. I did have some slight memory impairment, but I believe it was temporary.

Either way, I had a few memories_ I could _ afford to lose.

It has been 5 years and I am basically symptom free of major depression, anxiety, dp/dr and associative psychiatric symptoms.

I still have frequent ocular migraines and my EEG remains abnormal. Nothing I can't deal with.


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## thanksforbeingalive

Actually forestx5 a hero for me, he had this condition for 40+ years (world record i suppose). He was able to find out his root cause and recovered completely. Real hero, but some people here coming only to complain about their condition, just do something! Do ECT, Do SGB, it will work even if you have bad brain damage. Find you root cause and you will be fine in minutes.


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## Nadosa

"Fine in minutes"...DP itself is traumatic, how will you be able to lead a normal life in minutes? Your mind is still in trauma and it is unlikely that things will be like before even months after recovering from DP.


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## InV

Maybe i´ll give ECT a try even though i´m afraid of it. But i´m so desperate that i might try it 1 day. Better than commiting suicide...


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## James2368

TDX said:


> I have read most of what Michal has published about depersonalization disorder. My conclusion: He doesn't have a treatment concept that on theoretical grounds would even remotely be supported by evidence or make sense. Basically it's the usual psychoanalytic bullshit. He also lacks empirical evidence for the efficacy of his proposed treatment, which is the controversial psychdynamic longterm-psychotherapy.
> 
> Still this didn't stop him to make a guideline in Germany that intends to effectively ban treatments like Lamotrigine, Naltrexone and Clonazepam that *could* work for some people, while every patient should be put through psychodynamic longterm-psychotherapy despite almost zero evidence for it being effective against depersonalization disorder.
> 
> In my opinion Michal is doing what psychosomatics do in chronic fatigue syndrome and several other disorders. His intention is not to help sufferers, but to delay the developement of effective treatments as best as possible. He is no help, but a serious threat for all depersonalized people.


Have you meet him in person or visit the clinic? Or is your opinion made up by studying his literature?


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## TDX

> Have you meet him in person or visit the clinic? Or is your opinion made up by studying his literature?


I never met him in person or visited his clinic and I don't see a reason to change that. My opinion is based on what he says in his book, in his publications in his interviews in the press and what people said about him in a german forum.


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## James2368

TDX said:


> I never met him in person or visited his clinic and I don't see a reason to change that. My opinion is based on what he says in his book, in his publications in his interviews in the press and what people said about him in a german forum.


I have an appointment next Tuesday. I rather make up my own opinion. The institutes specialized on DP are quite limited and if it did not work out for someone else, it does not mean that it is not the right fit for me. Besides that the conflict triangle in his book and result of maladaptive thoughts / reactions are quite interesting.


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## TDX

> The institutes specialized on DP are quite limited and if it did not work out for someone else, it does not mean that it is not the right fit for me.


The criticism on Michal goes far beyond than saying for some people "it did not work".



> Besides that the conflict triangle in his book and result of maladaptive thoughts / reactions are quite interesting.


Sounds like you might have the 3rd edition of his book. If yes: Write me a private message.


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## failingsanity04

InV said:


> Hello from Germany.
> 
> I´ve been living with a severe Depersonalization for 17 years which totally destroyed my life from every point of view.
> 
> Now it got even worse and i doubt a DP can be more severe. I can´t function at all. I can´t leave my appartment, i can´t work, i can´t socialize,i can´t concentrate,i´m extremely confused,i get more and more cognitive deficits, i can´t go anywhere. I don´t even recognize my mother as my mother...i could cry all day...
> 
> I´ve been a smart, active guy with a lot of friends around me and a life. Now i feel and act like an autistic retard. Like i already have dementia.
> 
> I can´t stand this and i wanna kill myself but i´m afraid of dying. I can´t live...i can´t die...i dunno what to do...
> 
> At least there is real effective treatment for severe mental disorders like schizophrenia for instance but i feel like a very severe DP is even worse than schizophrenia. The scariest,most terrifying,disturbing, hellish mental condition you can imagine...it must come straight from hell...
> 
> Should i just go to a hospital or are there any tipps to reduce the severity level of this condition? Meditation maybe?
> 
> I´m so frustrated....help me...


I am in exactly the same place but mine manifests differently somewhat.

Do try meditation if you can, I know many people that swear by it. I have even gone to the lengths of buying the Hindu and Buddhist scriptures that were the original instructions for meditation so that I can learn it properly.


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