# [HELP - Detailed Life analysis inside] Did i finally find a label for my weirdness aka depersonalization?



## whatisthis23 (Dec 2, 2016)

PLS HELP ME GUYS OUT THERE - READ ALL OF IT - ITS RLLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I think I'm a covert schizoid or have depersonalization or maybe both in a combination ( I'm currently 23 years old)

Whats the difference between a covert schizoid and depersonalization?

This is maybe the last difficult question that I have regarding finding a label for myself. 
This text may be a little bit weird - but I'm writing this with BRUTAL honestly.
Sry for my bad English - its not my mother tongue (I live in EU)

Since 2 years I'm wondering if its not just my personality being weird, rather some sort of Disorder.
Pretty much since i was in kindergarten I feel not belonging here like an alien observer.
It tend to be better at 10-15 -after that it was getting worse.
My Mindset/Thought process is always very objective like an observer.
I have an exaggerated self-consciousness (hyperreflectivity). 
Criticize my behavior and try to improve it from a third-view-perspective.

My Life is more like a chess game to me. 
No matter what i do or where I am I feel always the same. When I'm crying and this is really hard to achieve - I feel almost nothing its like I'm not crying - 
its like only water is droping of my eyes.

I'm not even sure if I would care if my parents die to be honest - I'm really not sure its a difficult question to me.

*Freetime / **godcomplex*
When i have much Freetime I sometimes spend 10 hours a day just thinking about myself and the world I observe. Sometimes i don't wanna do anything else than thinking.
It's so bad that i have sleeping problems. I need 2 hours to fall a sleep. And 2-3 days a week I totally DONT sleep like really zero.
If I have people in my environment I always analyze them. I can read their faces like books.
I always see in their faces how influenced they are by their environment, emotions and SOCIETY in general 
because I'm not ...
I don't really feel human more like a god (Of course I know that im not a god rather a human. )
I kinda feel superior because of my objective and rational view of thinks.
I see my Thoughts as very interesting and unique. At the same time I'm aware that it doesn't make any sense to do.
I don't have a real Narcissistic personality disorder because I don't care so much getting validation from other - I get them fully of myself.
I even strongly care for other people - but this is not always the case and is strongly dependent of the benefits that someone has to me.

*Low Identity and sense of self*
When i look at the mirror I don't really identify with my face or body. I almost only identify myself through my inner voice/inner world.
I have a week feeling of self and identity in general. 
When someone praises me, I'm getting really confused because that means I'm really there and not just an observer.
I feel I could act as every other person.
There is nothing that I don't like or like - everything is neutral to me. 
I don't label/judge thinks as bad or good. 
I don't even have a negative association towards people like Adolf Hitler.

*Social life*
I rarely go out and meet other people because its so stressful. 
People think I'm nice and normal - very socially and 
charming but I'm not - ist just a mask that I got through observing the world as an outsider.
I always think before i do things in public. I'm not sure if its abnormal -
maybe everyone does it. When I go out to socialize I see it as a training for me to improve my mask its not to have fun. I don't really care for other people - 
but sometimes I'm obsessively caring for only 1 human at a time. I almost wanna merge with this person.
This person is never part of my family. I'm searching for 1
person to get a very very deep soul connection with him. I almost want to do nothing more than being with that person. 
I don't really want anything than standing or being next to him while he/She gives me attention.

I have literally no real interests or motivations.
The only REAL interests are completely weird. I kinda dreaming creating a cult with people that are all like me and becoming 
the next step in evolution - the superior kind of human.
A cult that insists of people that are like me. People that don't want to be humans anymore.

*- Brain fog*
I often have brain fog - but I kinda bypass the brain fog by my weird logic to solve problems. The solutions are popping out of my 
subconscious so I don't really have to think about it very conscience. I think I developed it through neuroplasticity by a lot of thinking.
This brain frog makes me a little bit anxious that other people could think that I'm stupid or weird.
I'm super efficient at work or studying - I'm currently doing my master in STEM.
But I'm not emotionally detached to my work or master - I don't really care its just logical to improve myself in some way.
I don't wanna get stuck somewhere without improvement so i wanna improve my mask or my working life all the time

I also like to keep myself very secretly so that I don't take pictures or tell other people what I did. 
Makes sense because I never care about thinks I did.

I really have anxiety that people think I'm weird or stupid. 
Because of that I tend to isolate myself a bit when in comes to free time (outside work stuff) or i avoid eating with them.

*Motivations and desires*
What differentiate me most from "normal people" are desires/interests/motivation/being exciting. I feel like most normal people want to experience cool stuff all the time. I literally have no desires and interests. I have a bachelor in IT and working in IT but I'm not even interested in computer. My Boss is really impressed of my work. I have no emotional connection to my work I just do it choiceless - like going to the toilet. Nothing really excites me - when I see a beautiful outlook - i don't really care. 
I see a beautiful outlook as light particles that go through my eyes - nothing special like its a photo on a screen. I have no desire being in a relationship, going to travel, having friends, partying, drugs, to go out and have fun or even working. Well no you could say I'm depressed but I'm not. I had a short depressed phase a year ago and know how it feels "beeing depressed" - I can truly say I'm not depressed - I'm actually kind of happy. 
I can literally have no aggression - I'm always calm and "chill".

I'm living in Germany and Germany won the last soccer world championship. 
Everyone is flipping out when Germany did a goal. 
I literally can't understand it it's just so weird, 
crazy and stupid to me why should I be happy about sth like that - it doesn't even benefit me in any way,

*Not understanding other people*
I feel most people talk about boring stuff that is unnecessary to talk about. 
I rather talk about deep real talk than about sports events or similar things.
I like to talk about human behavior, religion, life and death, consciousness, goals and purpose...
philosophy questions in general.

There a lot of things that I don't understand that normal people do like

 being upset/arguing
taking so much unimportant thinks serious. How can you even take your job serious? - I mean you can just get another job if you fail.
 this constant search of stimulation in the outside world (Food, Sex, Traveling, Partys, Socialising in general)
I think my depersonalization gets better when someone directly approaches me. 
But when no one talks to me - I tend to just observe.

I have a strong willpower and can work like a machine 
Over 30 hours without real breaks is easy for me. 
At work I'm the only one that skips the break. 
I just find it more logical to do. Sometimes I'm not even drinking at work.

* list of some weaknesses*
- bad sense of direction

- problems to understand oral Explanations in school/college or at work - I have to think about it by myself first.

- I'm very structured and don't like spontaneousness (but i can handle it)

- I can't sleep when I hear people talking - i always have to listen carefully.

- I HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH SENSUAL OVERLOAD or looking people in the eye.

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Ok guys what do you think I have and how can I start beeing normal ?
I'm not even sure if I want to be normal - it all has some sort of benefits.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

you've given us a lot of information to consider. this can be very useful, since it means we get a better picture of what's going on in your head, but it should be noted that sometimes people can get hung up on certain aspects of a presented scenario and not be able to process it as a whole. my response may get a little sprawl-y, but I think you deserve as much thought put into my answer as you put into your query.

the first portion, which you titled "god complex", looks very much to me like some degree of socipathy. normally I'd preface this with a "don't panic", but you don't strike me as the type to start panicking just from a "scary" word. you're overall very detached, you tend to care about people only insofar as they can benefit you, you view the world as a chess game, these are common descriptions of sociopaths.

the second portion as well, "low identity". you mention having no strong positive or negative associations with most people or things, even those "like adolf hitler". this seems to go along with a general lack of emotion, to me. you also seem perplexed when presented with an image or perception of yourself that is not your inner world.

the idea of wearing a charming mask when you socialize also lines up with sociopathic tendencies. on the other hand, your occasional tendency to obsess and want to "merge" with a specific other person almost tips more into borderline personality disorder, though the dynamic of those relationships would make a very big difference in that hypothesis. do you tend to fluctuate suddenly between believing that person is the best in the universe and feeling that person is the worst person ever? or do you see them as something to be possessed? or is there something else going on there? and then the cult thing really dips back into the narcissistic side of things.

overall, I find your account to be fascinating, and most likely you are experiencing some sort of personality disorder, but I do not feel that anything you described would be considered depersonalization or derealization. you do feel "detachment with respect to [your] surroundings" (dsm-v, 2013) but you do not consider the world around you to be "unreal" in any way, nor do you consider yourself to be unreal. you simply feel that you are apart from the world, that you are an outside observer. this seems to be due to the fact that you see yourself as "the next step in evolution" (which, come to think of it, is also often a line of thinking expressed by sociopaths -- there's nothing inherently wrong with sociopathy, though those without any particular background in the field may feel an instinctual fear of the unknown or based on what they think they know from ramshackle media portrayals), instead of being due to seeing the world as unreal or lifeless or fake or what-have-you. it also doesn't seem to bother you to any significant degree, as you say you are happy, and able to support yourself, and not necessarily interested in being "normal".

thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, I hope you find my reasoning to be relatively sound, and I'm happy to continue this discussion here or elsewhere.


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