# 90% cured after twenty years of chronic dpd



## gmriefler

HI Everyone!

In a previous post I mentioned that I was finally healing from dpd. dpd "started" in 1996, and has been absolutely chronic until within the past few months and especially the past few weeks. I have come to terms with my childhood emotional neglect (at least to some degree), and I have felt intense REAL sadness and anger during the past few months. I also had glimpses of joy, wholeness, and peacefulness but they were lasting for only a few seconds, and I also continued to perceive the world as flat, not very 3D, objects were not distinct from one another, etc. That was when I was taking Cymbalta (120 mg) and Klonopin (1 mg). This changed dramatically a few days after my pDoc put me on Geodon (20 mg at night), an atypical antipsychotic, two weeks ago. I was hesitant to try Geodon (I actually put off starting it for one month) because I was on Zyprexa and Risperdal back in 1996 and 1997, before I even knew I had dpd or that something called dpd even existed, and they did nothing but make me feel even more spacey back then. This time, a few days into taking Geodon, I began to feel real happiness for the first time in 20 years. Not just "surface" happiness or joy, but as if I was and am truly happy once again. A weight began to lift off of my shoulders. And finally last week (after 1.5 weeks of being on Geodon) my perception has gone almost entirely back to normal  My friend and I were driving out of town, and while I was in the passenger's seat I was simply looking outside at the trees and nature. I realized that everything didn't look flat, but had depth and dimensions. Of course I cried when I realized this. That was last Friday, and my perception has continued to improve. Things seem almost (almost almost almost) back to "normal" again- I feel such peace and happiness. I feel as if I have "settled back into" my body, and I am not afraid anymore of dpd or life in general. My therapist couldn't believe what he was seeing last week (I have seen him for 2 years at least twice a month). I was alive, present, cracking jokes, witty, and unfiltered...the REAL ME.

One thing I am dealing with, as all of these great things happen to me, is the sadness of "losing" 20 years of my life. Surely they weren't completely wasted, but feeling disconnected from my "self" and my life all of those years is very painful to fully realize. I apologize to myself as I sob and scream about it in my car (when I'm parked away from people in my work parking lot). But it is something that is very sad and incomprehensible even for me.

I plan on writing a book about my recovery to help the public and others to understand dpd from a survivor's standpoint. I have kept an email journal (emailing myself lol) of my progress for the past 3 months. Here is a section of an emai from early last week:

"It was raining a little bit today as I drove to work, but again I wasn't feeling disconnected or "annoyed" about it. I feel as if I am "back (or safe)" in my body, and I am not as concerned with the environment around me. It's as if my "self" has returned and is now concerned about how I am feeling and what is happening in my life in the current moment, and I am not feeling "oppressed" by the clouds and the gloomy weather. I was inside my car and safe, and my mind is with me, with its emotions, and my consciousness was not outside somewhere escaping my mind or emotions, or looking outside my "self" for some type of answer, direction, or emotion. I am comfortable and safe, and even better I am extremely happy. I listened to music and sang some karaoke in my car as I drove. My mind wasn't empty and in the clouds. I was present and I was driving to work and I was happy. I made sure that I breathed more deeply when I felt like I was holding my breathe unconsciously. I'm so happy to be alive and almost back to normal (I'd say I'm only 20% or so disconnected now, compared to 95% 3 months ago). I've come along way toward making a COMPLETE recovery, I have a few more steps to take, and I will never step back although I will realize that that was my life for so many years (this last sentence is making me cry hard right now)."

Take care everyone. You'll find the help you need to be recovered...it may take time, but you will find it!


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## thy

Great story. So do you think it was the medication, particularly Geodon, that really solved the issue for you?


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## Surfingisfun001

Congratulations! Glad to hear you are feeling better. Much deserved after so long. I hope you continue to make a full recovery and go on to write a book about your experiences.


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## simonlebon

Can you explain histamine affinity and what about Geodon do you like vs Seroquel?
Thanks


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## gmriefler

thy said:


> Great story. So do you think it was the medication, particularly Geodon, that really solved the issue for you?


Yes, I believe that the cymbalta started me toward recovery and letting go of past emotional pain from before I was 18 and before dpd set in. However, it wasn't getting me to a complete recovery but perhaps it would have given more time (probably not since I've been on it for 6 months). But within DAYS of starting Geodon I started to feel happy. Real true happiness. Then a week later my perception of the world started to go back to normal, the way I saw it previous to dpd. I think that the combination of the SSNRI and Geodon was my "miracle combination" or whatever you want to call it.

Thanks for your kind words everyone.


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## sunjet

Fuck. I miss so much that feel that you're telling. When you drive a car and you watch the trees, sky and you actually feel them, not just flat sky and trees going by...

Till now, after some good years of anxiety and somehow recovered DPDR, I can't return that old feeling when staying outside in a park and enjoying nature. Why... I don't know.

One of my theory is that by brain just fried up from these 15 years of intense anxiety sometimes with full blown panic attacks..

I wonder how to get that feeling, I really miss the feeling of nature depth.


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## Punchdrink

Hey gmriefler I have mostly been a lurker on these forums for a couple of weeks. Only recently created an account. Hopefully this is the right way to introduce myself. I can totally relate to everyone's symptoms and problems they face with DP. I am now pushing at around 12 years with this. I have been searching for years on how to cure this odd mentality, but only recently found out about DP. It almost feels hopeless trying to explain what DP is without getting some odd responses. I have tried a numerous amounts things to try and 'cure' it myself, but I have yet to go to a psychiatrist. I have been more motivated than ever to try and tackle this problem now that I discovered this forum!

I noticed you live in Houston as well and I fear going to a psychiatrist and trying to explain myself. Mostly if the psychiatrist is not aware of DP. I am actually writing to you to see if you had a recommendation(s) of any potential psychiatrists in the Houston area. Any help or response is greatly appreciated! Also, it's good to hear the treatment has been working for you!


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## Hosscat

Did you have really bad existential fears? Ex what if nothing/ no one is real? I've had these thoughts for three years after the what if popped in and scared me. I'm better in that I'm not in a state of panic, but I feel very lonely with these thoughts. I tried rationalizing so much but it doesn't work...


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## TDX

> The histamine thing is mostly personal. I find that histamine antagonists (anti-histamines) make my DP a lot worse.


Have you tried antipsychotics or anti-histamines which are not antipsychotics (like Mirtazapine?).


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## theconduit

Congratulations and long may the recovery and wellbeing continue x


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## simonlebon

, Just saw in your latest post that you have not ever tried an AAP. Any particular reason why?  An AAP along with SSRI is pretty standard treatment for anxiety/panic disorder (which is a normal underlying cause of DP).


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## gmriefler

Punchdrink said:


> Hey gmriefler I have mostly been a lurker on these forums for a couple of weeks. Only recently created an account. Hopefully this is the right way to introduce myself. I can totally relate to everyone's symptoms and problems they face with DP. I am now pushing at around 12 years with this. I have been searching for years on how to cure this odd mentality, but only recently found out about DP. It almost feels hopeless trying to explain what DP is without getting some odd responses. I have tried a numerous amounts things to try and 'cure' it myself, but I have yet to go to a psychiatrist. I have been more motivated than ever to try and tackle this problem now that I discovered this forum!
> 
> I noticed you live in Houston as well and I fear going to a psychiatrist and trying to explain myself. Mostly if the psychiatrist is not aware of DP. I am actually writing to you to see if you had a recommendation(s) of any potential psychiatrists in the Houston area. Any help or response is greatly appreciated! Also, it's good to hear the treatment has been working for you!


Hey! That's really cool you live in Houston. I have always wanted to meet someone with the disorder, so let me know if you want to meet. I go to Dr. Silverman in Montrose Area. However, when I told him I had DPD (6 months ago), he responded with "Is that a thing?" It still bothers me how he had never heard of it. Can you believe after all of these years that the majority of psychiatrists have never heard of DPD. Fucking idiots. But I have grown to like him and he's the one who suggested Geodon so I strongly recommend him. Take care!


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## gmriefler

Hosscat said:


> Did you have really bad existential fears? Ex what if nothing/ no one is real? I've had these thoughts for three years after the what if popped in and scared me. I'm better in that I'm not in a state of panic, but I feel very lonely with these thoughts. I tried rationalizing so much but it doesn't work...


I actually don't have any existential fears, as least not ones that I am consciously aware of. That has never been one of my symptoms.

Do you think those thoughts are more OCD-related? It is easy for me to tell you to simply not have them, or to understand that they are thoughts which only have as much weight as you give them so just laugh them off (or tell them to go fuck themselves). I'm sorry I can't help you with this symptom.


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## gmriefler

Hey,

So I've started to write a book on DPD recovery. So far I have the title figured out, as well as an intro (or book cover text). I realize the book won't be applicable to everyone with dpd, but I think it will help many people out and also clinicians as well. I have a PhD in Genes and Development and a B.A. in Biology with a minor in Psychology. Here it is:

*Finding My Self: I Survived Depersonalization Disorder*​​​*By Gary M. Deyter, PhD*​
Imagine you are dreaming a nightmare. In the dream you feel as if you are trapped in a person-sized bubble that is internally soundproof and mostly impermeable, especially to your own escape. Your environment seems distant from you as you are enclosed within a bubble, and everything appears unclear as you look at the world through the wavering cloudiness of the bubble's surface. It is as if you are separated from the external world, and you feel very confused about your place in the world. You're stuck in a prison away from everyone else, a situation that causes you fear and the feeling as if you might suffocate, die, or go crazy. However, you feel at least somewhat safe in the bubble since it is protecting you from your perceived dangers of the world, though they may be unwarranted or of false value. When you get extremely nervous, the bubble (and you inside it) drifts upward toward the sky a bit, making you feel even less connected to the world. The dream progresses to the death of a loved one, and you realize that although you want to feel the pain and sadness of losing that person, you are stuck in the bubble and therefore you can't possibly express yourself and the depth of your sorrow to any other soul. While you feel extremely lonely in your bubble, it is almost as if the emotional weight of losing that person is far away from you; a bittersweet benefit of your isolation. A similar thing happens during intensely happy moments, when in previous situations you may have laughed hysterically before you had become entrapped in the bubble, now you muster up a smile and have lost the ability to fully relate to the events happening around you. The nightmare does not end there, for not only do you feel separated from the external world, but you also feel removed from your own self. It is as if you don't fully exist within your own mind, as if your self is disconnected from the emotions and feelings that you at one time had before you became trapped in the bubble. It is as if your sense of self and self-worth have been destroyed, yet you still have to live some semblance of a life. It is as if you are the living dead. In your nightmare, two decades pass with you imprisoned in the bubble, hardly connected to either the external world or your own internal world, since emptiness has taken over what used to be your feelings and off-the-cuff reactions to the world. Twenty years go by without you fully engaged in life. That is over 7,300 days of feeling disconnected from the reality of your life; feeling confused about the events of your life and how to respond to them. Can you imagine what it might feel like for you if the bubble were to finally burst? The nightmare would end and you would awaken. Life would become at least partially normal again, the way it used to be. This state of existence had been my life from 1996, when chronic Depersonalization Disorder took over my consciousness at age 18, until age 38 when, in 2016, the bubble finally burst. I dedicate this book to the survivors of Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder, for every one of you is surviving your mental anguish each day you wake up and go about life in the mental hell in which your mind exists. Contained in these pages is also a wakeup call for clinicians and funding agencies to recognize and research Depersonalization Disorder, one of the few severe mental illnesses for which there is no established therapy, either psychotherapeutic or pharmacologic.


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## KJames

Well done.

I really look forward to reading more.

I hope my bubble bursts in the near future.

I believe that the general public and medical practitioners need to understand how dibilitating DPDR is once and for all.

When you're published, if you want me to stand in city centres with a deck chair, prop-up table and mega phone promoting your book and talking about how shitty DPDR is....I can do that. I will plonk myself outside a train station in between two preachers. As long as I'm not having an existential crisis that day, otherwise I'll stand alone outside WHSMITHS!

Good Luck!


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## gmriefler

KJames said:


> Well done.
> 
> I really look forward to reading more.
> 
> I hope my bubble bursts in the near future.
> 
> I believe that the general public and medical practitioners need to understand how dibilitating DPDR is once and for all.
> 
> When you're published, if you want me to stand in city centres with a deck chair, prop-up table and mega phone promoting your book and talking about how shitty DPDR is....I can do that. I will plonk myself outside a train station in between two preachers. As long as I'm not having an existential crisis that day, otherwise I'll stand alone outside WHSMITHS!
> 
> Good Luck!


Thanks so much KJames. It's ridiculous how DPD is overlooked, and probably 90% of pdocs have never even heard of it...even after media attempts like the movie "Numb" have attempted to educate the public. Ug! I like the soapbox idea!! Take care!


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## KJames

From my personal experience, although DPDR is widely acknowledged, I find many dismiss how dibilitating the chronic DPDR actually is. I've been told by many GPs, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors that it is almost unheard of for people to experience chronic DP without anxiety. Quite frustrating. Mine, too, was triggered by a panic attack. 10 months later I'm still making very little progress with mental health professionals. Congratulations on finding a DP experienced therapist! I really wish you the best of luck with your recovery.


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## gmriefler

KJames said:


> From my personal experience, although DPDR is widely acknowledged, I find many dismiss how dibilitating the chronic DPDR actually is. I've been told by many GPs, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors that it is almost unheard of for people to experience chronic DP without anxiety. Quite frustrating. Mine, too, was triggered by a panic attack. 10 months later I'm still making very little progress with mental health professionals. Congratulations on finding a DP experienced therapist! I really wish you the best of luck with your recovery.


Thank you! I wish the best for your recovery as well  Also, perhaps the condition is better known in the UK because so many therapists and pdocs have never even heard of DPD...of course they've heard of depersonalization as a secondary symptom of other mental conditions (e.g., depression and anxiety), but like you said many of them can't fathom the fact that it can exist as its own primary disorder! I know it's so frustrating!


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## brill

Congrats Brother! Wondering if you could explain how you went about resolving the pain of your early years?

thanks. That may be what I need as well.


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## gmriefler

ghostly said:


> Congrats Brother! Wondering if you could explain how you went about resolving the pain of your early years?
> 
> thanks. That may be what I need as well.


I was somehow able to connect to my emotions to be able to release the sadness and pain of my past. I have been on an antidepressant called Cymbalta, so that may have helped to "open up" my mind and allow me to feel those emotions..I'm not sure. I've tried 8 or so other antidepressants throughout the 20 long ass years I had DPD and none of them helped me at all. Basically, I was able to release the emotions because my mind allowed me to "reach" that part of my brain (which I was very very disconnected from for all those years) and I could then experience the release of the pain associated with the emotions. Basically, my mind took a huge emotional dump after decades of being constipated


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## simonlebon

Emotional dump.... well said! I kinda feel I took a big dump over the last year or so.


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## Archer

Wow,speechless. Do you still enjoy the things you “enjoyed” while dpdrd?


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## mangosplums

How have you dealt with losing 20 years? I have been depersonalized/derealized for 20 years. I am scared to get back to life because the pain of having lost all those years is too much.


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## Lostsoul26

Did your dp include blank mind??and sense of not knowing who you were.and that just a pair of eyes feeling??
I was on geodon for about 2 maybe 3months cant really exactly remember and I still felt numb and depressed.


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## 707

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