# Accepting it, my dp story



## alicecr (Nov 13, 2014)

Hello, my name is Alice, I'm 25 years old and from Costa Rica. I found this forum and it has been very helpful, for once I don't feel so alone in this journey. Finally decided to share my story, so here it goes. Sorry if it's a bit long.

I've had bounds of mild anxiety and diverse obsessions throughout my life. But nothing as severe as the one I've been experiencing for almost 4 months now.

After 2 months of dealing with physical manifestations of anxiety, ones that I refused to acknowledge as anxiety (I was certain that there was something wrong with me physically). I had tremors, dizziness, when I walked I felt as if I had an anchor pulling me down to a side, I had distorted vision, my heart was always racing and I had a constant feeling of impending doom. Upon waking up, my first thought was which new symptom I would experience and I was in a constant state of worrying. I search on the Internet everything from brain tumors, to cardiac problems to every type of cancer there was. All my tests came back normal, but I still wasn't feeling better and the not knowing was eating me up. I couldn't find the reason why I didn't felt better.

About a month and a half ago, I developed trouble sleeping, because I had been having some pretty scary and vivid dreams. This is when I had my first experience with DP, after two days of not sleeping well, I woke up feeling that I was still dreaming, that I was still sleeping, things didn't make sense, I knew who I was, where and when I was, but everything was very surreal. I started to panic, somehow I managed to relax and it went away. But the next day it happened again and this time it was even worst, I started to sense something off with my face, and my hands, as if I had them, but I couldn't feel them there. After this I got dizzy and felt as if I was about to faint and if went to the ER, because I was still obsessing over that the fact that there was something wrong with my body, there wasn't, all tests came back normal.

After this, I was giving a mild sedative to help with the insomnia, but this somehow made the DP even worst. The next few days I felt completely disconnect with everything and everyone around me. My family, my house, my own body felt very strange to me. As if I was watching from a distant, being there, but not feeling part of things. During this I had intrusive thoughts that scared even more, about hurting myself, going crazy, dying.

I was experiencing DP all day, every day; time just passing by me. I threw myself into research. And found Paul David's book, At Last A life. It opened my eyes to what I was a feeling. But something is knowing in your head and what your body decides to experience. I took his advice and began to apply what it said. If managed to overcome most of my physical symptoms, thanks to meditation. But, so far the DP has been the most difficult, because this sense of unreality, causes me to question everything about myself, the things I feel, sense, do, think, or say. It's like I'm constantly watching myself, waiting to the moment I lose it for real. So, yeah I've became anxious and obsessed over my DP. By overthinking of DP, I'm causing it, when I feel "normal" I question why I feel normal, because it feels weird, so my mind goes back to DP, and bang, I start to experience it again.

Until, a few days ago it hit me. I truly understood the words I've been reading in books and different forums and it made me optimistic. DP it's my minds safety mechanism to cope with all the over the top worrying. Things that feel strange, like my hands and face or seem strange like my house and my things, feel or look this way, because I'm paying too much attention to them, searching for that odd sensation, that weird feeling that prove that in fact my reality is just a dream. Things are real, but because I'm looking too closely they've become distorted. Like I said, DP isn't that intense right now, yes I still think about, but not that often.

I know it's a process to change one's mind set, but it's hard, because all you want is for things to go back to normal. Right now, normal feels a bit weird too. Feels like I'm in the middle of the road, I've started to reconnect with my emotions, I've being able to the laugh, to feel calm, but DP and anxiety are still there, in the back of my mind. I guess, patience is the key in this, which for me makes it harder, because I've never been a very patient person.

Does anyone recovering or that has recovered, gets weird when you feel things are starting to appear normal, but they're not quite there?


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