# Something changed.



## lg100000 (May 21, 2016)

First Id like to give some background. Im a 20 year old college student. I started using drugs at age 11 because I thought it was cool. (Ive just got to tell you, I cant stop smiling. Im walking down the street and everything just feels so real). Anyway, I started with pills. Well, I think the first drug I ever did was weed in 6th grade, but I didn't get high. I started stealing pills like hydrocone, xanax, oxycodone, etc. and taking them, and getting high on my vyvanse.

Well, My life changed at age 14. I smoked weed for the second time and had the most lifechanging, tramatising, panic attack of my life. I felt dead, removed from reality. I remember having my first panic attack at age 12. It was like a shell of this one.

But I recovered quickly from this drug induced panic attack at age 14, and somehow avoided depersonalization. I didnt learn my lesson, and smoked again, and again, and again...

And within a month, I had another world shattering panic attack. But something felt different after it was over, as in the feeling never went away. The panic did, but not the feeling.

My life had been hell since that day, and I never though Id feel better. I dont even want to talk about symptoms, Im sure you all know them. Sure, I had short periods (sometimes for months at a time) where I felt better, and temporarily forgot about depersonalization. But I didnt really, truly feel different, it stayed in the back of my mind during those times. And it always came back with a vengance.

Well, I haven't felt very depersonalized for the last few months until last thursday. It hit me like a truck. But, it really pissed me off. Something was different this time, and i knew that I had to change something.

Kratom. Kratom. Kratom. It hit me, me being the dumbass I am, took waaaay too much kratom, had a panic attack, and slipped back to square one. I had been recovering in some form since the summer of 2016, when i decided it was time to change, and started trying to constantly be distracted. kratom has helped my depersonalization in low doses because it helps me feel a steady sense of concentration.

Now Ive realized, drugs always seem to bring it back. Obviously, I guess.

But, I had a change in my though process a few days ago, I cant explain it. I refuse to acknowledge I have DP, its anxiety. Now, it may seem like that would not help, but not constantly dwelling on that illness really seems to help. Anxiety is curable. Im trying to think like a normal person again. That means not constantly "checking" reality, looking inwards, and thinking about how I feel constantly. not really interacting with the world around me. Thinking about the word "depersonalization" every 2 minutes. And generally, caring much less when i feel weird.

and when I stated really, really thinking like this, the craziest thing happened. After a day or 2, I literally felt myself snap back into reality. It was almost as odd as when i snapped out of it.

This recovery story doesn't really come with advice I guess, but my depersonalization was anxiety based, from drug induced trauma. Also, truly acknowledging the fact that the panic attack I had all those years ago REALLY tramatized me, and even gave me PTSD, was EXTREMELY helpful. Facing that day, and moving past it, helped me immensely.

Last year at this time, I NEVER thought I would get better. And it happened, it happened quickly when my mindset changed. Sorry for writing a book, I feel like Im venting a little bit. But I really do feel much better.


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## freezeup (Oct 1, 2016)

lg100000 said:


> First Id like to give some background. Im a 20 year old college student. I started using drugs at age 11 because I thought it was cool. (Ive just got to tell you, I cant stop smiling. Im walking down the street and everything just feels so real). Anyway, I started with pills. Well, I think the first drug I ever did was weed in 6th grade, but I didn't get high. I started stealing pills like hydrocone, xanax, oxycodone, etc. and taking them, and getting high on my vyvanse.
> 
> Well, My life changed at age 14. I smoked weed for the second time and had the most lifechanging, tramatising, panic attack of my life. I felt dead, removed from reality. I remember having my first panic attack at age 12. It was like a shell of this one.
> 
> ...


not sure if you're still taking kratom, but I would avoid it at all costs. I took it for a few months thinking it was just a benign drug, then started getting really bad panic attacks and depression from it. The withdrawals you can get are no joke either. I must have slept only 3 hours each night for about two weeks, and that was only off of a 6 gram a day habit.


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## lg100000 (May 21, 2016)

Yes Im still taking it but I lowered my dose from 9 to 2 grams so far and plan on stopping.


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## lg100000 (May 21, 2016)

Thought Id give another update. Things have only got better and Id say I'm 95% cured. Ive quit kratom, and feel normal most of the time. This is actually the first time ive even thought about depersonalization in about a month, and its not because im having symptoms.

I occasionally get feelings reminisicant of depersonalization when falling asleep or really tired (thats when it used to be the worst, so im not suprised) but they are nowhere near as powerful and easy to shake off, especially when I just think of them as anxiety.

Ive been having some strong urges to go back to taking harder opiates like oxycodone now that im better because they felt REALLY good before I got depersonalized, like the best ive ever felt in my life. When I got depersonalized they just made it worse. I have been itching to feel that high again lol. Maybe I can resist it.


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## lg100000 (May 21, 2016)

Its only been like a year since I last used oxy. I had a minor addiction and "cured" it with kratom. I may get some poppy seed tea just to itch my cravings without getting back on the powerful shit


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