# Haven't left the house in a week



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

I can't bring myself to do anything or go anywhere. The exhaustion I feel every day is overwhelming. My head is always spinning and I feel totally drunk and off balance all the time. My entire existence is like I've just done shots after running a marathon, except obviously without any of the euphoria.

I've only managed to get my anxiety under control with meds, but beyond that, my progress has been zero. I'm still incredibly foggy, fatigued and spaced out. I can't enjoy anything anymore, because nothing feels the same as it once did. This sensation is a nightmare, and then to think I've had it almost 3.5 years now, 24/7. I try not to dwell on that fact, but it hits me from time to time and I can't believe I've lasted this long. I can't see the point in this meager existence if nothing changes. I can't even just sit and read a book because my brain doesn't work. I can't learn, I can't absorb anything, I can't work, I can't exercise, and even "leisure" activities feel like a chore because they either require some form of energy (which I don't have) and/or some type of concentration (which is totally shot thanks to DPDR).

I feel like a vegetable. If I lay down and lean my head back, everything starts swirling and my mind feels like it's made out of jelly. It's as if it's racing, but with nothing concrete. It's like there's just static or cotton wool up there. From what little I can figure out, it's either daydreaming or totally abstract thinking all the time, but I can't access it properly - it feels sealed off somehow, like my mind is on a permanent vacation. To top it off, my memory, especially short term recall, is just horrendous.

But as usual, there is no solution or clear path forward, so I will continue to muddle on. What a life.


----------



## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

Sounds like the way I felt in 2013. I was TDO'D at a VA Medical Center. I ended up having ECT. Best decision I ever made. I've been doing 6 miles a day slow jog and 4 miles on my bicycle. The previous 4 years have been the best of my life. Never thought I could feel this good again..


----------



## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

forestx5 said:


> Sounds like the way I felt in 2013. I was TDO'D at a VA Medical Center. I ended up having ECT. Best decision I ever made. I've been doing 6 miles a day slow jog and 4 miles on my bicycle. The previous 4 years have been the best of my life. Never thought I could feel this good again..


I had to google ECT because I had no idea what it was. Sounds interesting but that general anesthesia part gets me nervous


----------



## chelsy010 (Oct 29, 2012)

Chicane said:


> I can't bring myself to do anything or go anywhere. The exhaustion I feel every day is overwhelming. My head is always spinning and I feel totally drunk and off balance all the time. My entire existence is like I've just done shots after running a marathon, except obviously without any of the euphoria.
> 
> I've only managed to get my anxiety under control with meds, but beyond that, my progress has been zero. I'm still incredibly foggy, fatigued and spaced out. I can't enjoy anything anymore, because nothing feels the same as it once did. This sensation is a nightmare, and then to think I've had it almost 3.5 years now, 24/7. I try not to dwell on that fact, but it hits me from time to time and I can't believe I've lasted this long. I can't see the point in this meager existence if nothing changes. I can't even just sit and read a book because my brain doesn't work. I can't learn, I can't absorb anything, I can't work, I can't exercise, and even "leisure" activities feel like a chore because they either require some form of energy (which I don't have) and/or some type of concentration (which is totally shot thanks to DPDR).
> 
> ...


Every symptom you have described, I have felt. Thankfully my dp/dr has improved a lot. Some of the symptoms are still there, but I am now able to go back to school. I am sorry for anyone that has been afflicted with this horrible nightmare. Recovery is different for everyone and from my experience, it's something that takes time. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Thanks all but I really feel too far gone.

DP cost me my income, my social life, my second marriage, and has plunged me into debt and despair. I don't even know how to get over the resentment I feel about all that, let alone recover and live a productive life again.


----------



## Grindelwald (Jul 22, 2017)

I have had compulsive urges to get out of the house and do anything, really. It feels when I am home that that's when my thoughts start spiraling. I feel like I am always caffeinated, or something. It's weird. My mind just can't relax.


----------



## M1k3y (Sep 19, 2016)

got to get out and do something man, wether its a job or excersise every day, i know it sucks, but u do either of those things, and u will feel better and get better


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

M1k3y said:


> got to get out and do something man, wether its a job or excersise every day, i know it sucks, but u do either of those things, and u will feel better and get better


He cannot work or exercise...He is in the throws of chronic DP...Everything becomes impossible when you are like this...

There is no pushing through and getting on with things when it gets like this...IN FACT! There is absolutely no level of functioning when DP grips you this way...

Chicane all I can say is that Ive experienced this level of hell various times over the last 25 or so years...I have come out the far side each time reasonably OK...Im so sorry your going through this nightmare my friend...Hang on in there man...


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Thanks eddy. Yeah, there's DP and DP. I think a big part of the problem is that many people can only see the disorder through their own eyes - that there's only one type of it, one level of severity, one set of symptoms, all based on what they've experienced. But nothing could be further from the truth. This is different for literally everyone I've spoken to. I go through some really horrible bouts of it where so many things aren't possible, and I can pretend and try to live normally as much as I want, it's just not happening. Guess I have to just wait for the worst of it to pass again.


----------



## dope (Aug 31, 2016)

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. Have you tried meditation? For me it eases my mind and it's so good.  
I have more advice if you'd like to see it: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/72922-all-of-my-advice/

Everything will be ok! I'm sure.


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Sounds like alot of depression in there on top of everything else Chicane huh?

Total loss of motivation, drive and energy is the norm when dealing with depression on top of anxiety and DP...

F*****G triple whammy....Not nice at all !

Have ya got people around ya at the moment to give ya a bit of support even?


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

time2wakeup said:


> Yeah, I don't do much either - I'm not depressed, it's just hard to enjoy anything properly since I can't really access my emotions, sooo yeah, I don't bother with much? I've been DP'd for 6 years but just learned what it was called a few months ago (I randomly repersonalized a few times during a withdrawal from a psych med, which made me realize I'm not "broken"/brain damaged and it must *somehow* be possible to get back to that place where I have 3D vision and access to my feelings). But yeah, so, even if you're not doing much out in the world, don't give up on trying different ways to get better, like diet changes and things like that. I cut out caffeine 2 months ago and still seem to be going through some kind of withdrawal process from that, so I'm hoping eventually I'll feel a little better from that even if it doesn't completely fix this. What triggered your DP?


They tell me it was trauma. When I was 30 I caught a life threatening infection and was in hospital for quite some time, with lots of pain and discomfort, and in a pretty serious state. I guess laying there thinking I was going to die did weird things to me. Eventually though I recovered and was discharged, but became "dizzy" about two weeks later - I didn't know what else to call it at the time and had never heard of DP. So that started the whole merry-go-round, back into the hospital for countless tests, and then when nothing turned up I was turned over to the psych world as a sort of catch-all, I suppose. I underestimated that the brain could have such a major impact on both mind and body together. In any case, that was 3.5 years ago and I've felt more or less the same ever since.


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

eddy1886 said:


> Sounds like alot of depression in there on top of everything else Chicane huh?
> 
> Total loss of motivation, drive and energy is the norm when dealing with depression on top of anxiety and DP...
> 
> ...


Yes, major depressive disorder is actually my psych diagnosis - they haven't addressed any of the spaciness or other DP symptoms. I have a couple of people in my life right now, but you do get tired of talking to the same old folks over and over. It's hard not to feel like a drag, and there's some guilt there too I suppose - over leaning on them too much, emotionally, financially, etc. You start to become aware that you're a broken record and wish you could shut yourself up. At the same time you're hurting too bad and can't always keep it all in.


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

I guess one thought troubling me is, why did I survive if this is all that's waiting on the other side.


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I completely relate to what you wrote.


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Chicane said:


> Yes, major depressive disorder is actually my psych diagnosis - they haven't addressed any of the spaciness or other DP symptoms. I have a couple of people in my life right now, but you do get tired of talking to the same old folks over and over. It's hard not to feel like a drag, and there's some guilt there too I suppose - over leaning on them too much, emotionally, financially, etc. You start to become aware that you're a broken record and wish you could shut yourself up. At the same time you're hurting too bad and can't always keep it all in.


Even though talking about DP with others does probably nothing as regards fixing it dont suffer in silence my friend....I know how ya feel as regards being a broken record and a burden....

But honestly dont sit constantly alone with this condition....The more you isolate yourself the more hopeless you will become...Even just sit and drink coffee with a decent friend or family member for a while each day and yap for the sake of yapping......It might help even a bit....

Total isolation is a no no though unless you are sleeping constantly which will help....


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Chicane said:


> I guess one thought troubling me is, why did I survive if this is all that's waiting on the other side.


The man upstairs works in mysterious ways Chicane.....Who knows.....You may just be the one who finds the cure for this crap....Then pass it on to the rest of us....In that scenario you will have saved thousands (even millions) of lives....

Never underestimate your power as a human being on others no matter how insignificant you feel....A simple smile to a stranger walking down the street could have immense effects on that person for the rest of their day....

Theres definitely a positive reason for why you are still here...


----------



## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Chicane said:


> They tell me it was trauma. When I was 30 I caught a life threatening infection and was in hospital for quite some time, with lots of pain and discomfort, and in a pretty serious state. I guess laying there thinking I was going to die did weird things to me. Eventually though I recovered and was discharged, but became "dizzy" about two weeks later - I didn't know what else to call it at the time and had never heard of DP. So that started the whole merry-go-round, back into the hospital for countless tests, and then when nothing turned up I was turned over to the psych world as a sort of catch-all, I suppose. I underestimated that the brain could have such a major impact on both mind and body together. In any case, that was 3.5 years ago and I've felt more or less the same ever since.


That must of been a really harrowing experience, Chicane, thinking you might actually die. People talk about the fight, flight and freeze responses; do you think a part of you might have been locked off or frozen since this happened? I was wondering if you experience any symptoms such as flashbacks, and has anyone ever suggested PTSD?


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Thanks for your support you guys. Even though we only know each other by screen name I consider you both friends.

Eddy I would definitely like to think there's some benefit to going through all this. I think distraction is pretty key, like you say. I do have a strong tendency to self-isolate. I would imagine lots of others with DP do too. I think it's because it's such a weird condition, there's nothing else like it. That also makes it difficult to chat about everyday things with it going on. I think with DP there's this huge thing weighing on us and we want so badly to relate to others and not talk surface-stuff. It's a tough situation, but we do also have to acknowledge that others just don't know what the bloody hell we're talking about with it, lol.

Phantasm, PTSD was one of the issues they had listed in my case, but I don't have flashbacks. I guess it can be pretty atypical in some instances, ie. not always a textbook case. I did develop all kinds of other weird psychological offshoots from it though, like OCD. It definitely feels like there was some kind of sealing-off of certain parts of my mind after the hospital thing. I never really felt the same afterwards. I became obsessed with things like the fragility of life, life after death, etc. It set a whole chain of events in motion, psychologically.


----------



## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Yep I think you're right that symptoms of PTSD will vary from person to person.

I don't know if this will help, but lately I've been thinking that in order to work through things the mind needs to be given new information, otherwise it has nothing to work with, and that information has to be objectively true. If it's true it carries weight and the mind listens. So if we are safe at home but feeling disturbed then that is not a correct response to the situation. So then we might say to ourselves, "There is no danger." We can look around and see that it's true. We might be scared of our thoughts and feelings, and so say, "my thought's and feelings never lead to anything, no disasters or catastrophes, they are no danger." We can tailor it to ourselves, so for you it might be something like, "I didn't die. I'm not dying, I'm safe now. There's no danger."

This can be an emotional experience, but then it becomes cathartic. Accept those feelings, let them move through you, then correct misconceptions when there is a lull (accept and correct). "I felt so scared," (accept), "I'm safe. There is no danger," (correct).

It's not a quick fix because your mind is geared towards ensuring your survival, so it will need convincing, but because the new information you are providing is true it will listen and over time it will start to sink in. It's helped me a lot with trauma symptoms, so I hope it helps.


----------



## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

Surely, if God exists he is a massive massive bastard for letting people suffer on like this. It's disgraceful.

I feel totally f***** now Chicane. I cannot believe how awful my life and this disorder have got. No idea what to do. Kill myself? What a sad pathetic joke that my life has come to this.


----------



## Alan (Jan 26, 2015)

Nothing to add really, other than I get this. Had to leave the house to buy a pint of milk and you'd think by the way I felt I was about to storm the beaches in France. I wouldn't say I'm agoraphobic in the sense that I can go outside if I want to, but I'm pretty averse to the idea.

I don't understand my mind. CBT stuff is supposed to correct faulty beliefs, but I know there's no danger outside. I guess I'm afraid of fear? Fearception?


----------

