# how to disappear completely



## resonantblue (Mar 15, 2011)

I'm sure everyone says the same thing when they first find this place- what a relief! I had never heard of DP before and for a while thought I was completely losing my mind and that nobody could possibly understand or relate to what was happening. I think most of my friends write it off as me being "weird" when I try to explain how it feels.
I'm pretty sure I have depression and generalized anxiety and it has now taken on this new level with the DP/DR. However, I've never sought professional help. I'm in the process of doing that.
I'm 25.. 
I used to smoke weed very regularly. I always got higher than other people but it was usually a very pleasant experience. I've also done psychedelics maybe a dozen times.. mushrooms and LSD. Those experiences were always wonderful until recently
In July 2009 my boyfriend/love of my life died in an accident.. and I suppose that is when things started getting very difficult. 
On the first new year's without him I got very drunk and took a ridiculous amount of MDMA.. so much that I was completely out of it when someone at probably 6-7 in the morning gave me a hit of acid. This resulted in a terrifying nightmarish 15 hour trip from hell. I think that's when I first became a bit destabilized but not as bad as I am now. I continued to drink/smoke weed occasionally but noticed that my hangovers were very severe, and that was the first experience of DP/DR though I had no idea what it was. Looking back, I remember having these extended deja vu moments that were unpleasant and I now think that was the start of the DP. This January I did some pretty serious drinking, and one of the hangovers brought on a severe panic attack where my heart rate was up to 185. I called am ambulance because I thought I was dying (common, I'm sure). A few days later I had a dream in which I tripped out.. and completely lost all sense of who I am. It was a very realistic and terrifying dream and oddly enough it seems that since then the DP/DR has been with me almost constantly. I haven't touched any substances since, not even coffee because it seems to aggravate the anxiety. 
My symptoms are:
feeling disconnected from my body, from reality, from my sense of self
being overwhelmed by the very fact of existing, of having a body and a mind. 
not understanding who the person in my head is and how I am that person but also my body
reality seems strange, fake or hyper-real? kind of like being high but in a very unpleasant way
feeling like I'm dying, disappearing
other humans seem very strange and mysterious, or unreal
or I can't understand how they see me 
lately I've been having some scary thoughts like "I'm actually dead, and my consciousness is stuck inside this infinite fake reality.."
the concept of time overwhelms me.. what is "now"? I can't grasp time and thus I can't connect to the past, or myself in the past though I can feel the emotions it brings up

it's really hard to internalize the idea that our brain chemistry could create all these states.. they are so "real" and overwhelming when they happen but if I've learned anything from drugs it's how much our brain chemistry and experience of reality are correlated. I just wish I could will myself out of this state. Seems impossible at this point. But I'm also very weary of medication because of the addictive aspect (though at times I feel like I'd take ANYTHING to feel better).

I'm doing yoga every day and I find it helps a little.. have other people tried that?

Well, that's my intro. So glad I found you guys.


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## Parachutes333 (Dec 13, 2010)




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## Guest (Mar 16, 2011)

You're now experiencing true reality. It was illusion that made us feel so comfortable and take it for granted. You're in a state that people using transcendental meditation strive for. That monks strive for. I think you're more connected with all things now. That stillness inside was always there, it just wasn't felt through all the emotion that you're now detached from. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you now have the potential to be, and likely already are infinitely more perceptive. Complete freedom. Your eyes and your hands are now only moving when you tell them to. You now have complete freedom to change and to grow and become a stable, solid person. I managed to find positivity in the state of DP with the help of the Tao Te Ching. I was scared shitless until I read a bit of that. It affirmed everything I was feeling and thinking and turned it from negative to euphoric. You might wanna check it out. Give it a skim. Tao Te Ching. Welcome, and good luck.









I've also enjoyed some wonderful psychedelics and Radiohead. Can't beat it. In fact, Kid A coincided with my DP and I'd go for walks, hung over, but feeling wonderful listening to that, walking slow motion beneath trees, observing the stillness that I now had in common with all living things. Blah blah, sorry.

I'm also 25. I'm Gage.


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## resonantblue (Mar 15, 2011)

hey, thanks for the welcome. 
I'm trying to see this experience as positive though in the grips of it that seems impossible. I get what you're saying, in that DP is similar to certain enlightened experiences, but the way it freezes you and keeps you from connecting, and existing blissfully is antithetical to enlightenment, at least any enlightenment that I would seek out. I have read the Tao Te Ching a few times (first time in my teens). Before this awful state I felt like I was on a really good path, like my consciousness was expanding but something definitely went wrong. Either that or this is some hellish state we have to go through until we make it to the "other side". I sure hope it's that. Yeah, I too had lots of those Radiohead-listening walks though I felt a lot happier back then.


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## Mrs. M (Mar 15, 2011)

ItCouldBeRobots said:


> You're now experiencing true reality. It was illusion that made us feel so comfortable and take it for granted. You're in a state that people using transcendental meditation strive for. That monks strive for. I think you're more connected with all things now. That stillness inside was always there, it just wasn't felt through all the emotion that you're now detached from. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you now have the potential to be, and likely already are infinitely more perceptive. Complete freedom. Your eyes and your hands are now only moving when you tell them to. You now have complete freedom to change and to grow and become a stable, solid person. I managed to find positivity in the state of DP with the help of the Tao Te Ching. I was scared shitless until I read a bit of that. It affirmed everything I was feeling and thinking and turned it from negative to euphoric. You might wanna check it out. Give it a skim. Tao Te Ching. Welcome, and good luck.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's exactly what makes it hard for people with dp/dr to come back. Why would you say that?


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## Guest (Mar 17, 2011)

Mrs. M said:


> That's exactly what makes it hard for people with dp/dr to come back. Why would you say that?


Well, I'm sorry. Clearly you have much better positive advice to give, Mrs. N.


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## Guest (Mar 17, 2011)

resonantblue said:


> hey, thanks for the welcome.
> I'm trying to see this experience as positive though in the grips of it that seems impossible. I get what you're saying, in that DP is similar to certain enlightened experiences, but the way it freezes you and keeps you from connecting, and existing blissfully is antithetical to enlightenment, at least any enlightenment that I would seek out. I have read the Tao Te Ching a few times (first time in my teens). Before this awful state I felt like I was on a really good path, like my consciousness was expanding but something definitely went wrong. Either that or this is some hellish state we have to go through until we make it to the "other side". I sure hope it's that. Yeah, I too had lots of those Radiohead-listening walks though I felt a lot happier back then.


You're welcome. And sorry if I went yapping when you didn't wanna hear it. Which I certainly don't (wanna hear it) for the most part. I also know, very well, that folks mostly need a set of ears instead of some flapping gums. I am personally no longer 'depersonalized'. It lasted, for me, about 2-2 1/2 years. I made it out. It may come back. Who knows. I actually became pretty heavily hooked on opiates. Vicoden to Heroin. At some point during that, I realized I was no longer Dissociated. Just a junkie junk. But, I did grow the hell up in many ways through DP and see it as having been an overall positive experience. Though, I was a pretty solitary man going in.

Anyways, I tried to convey that, the positive side to it, but apparently that Mrs. M lady didn't see it that way. If you felt the same, I'm sorry for that.

Again, welcome, and I hope you find some warmth here.

BTW, Radiohead's King Of Limbs came out of nowhere. Was a hell of a pleasant surprise.


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## resonantblue (Mar 15, 2011)

Hey, I definitely appreciate the positivity. I too believe that many "sane" individuals are caught up in an illusory world in which they are blissfully comfortably ignorant.. it is not that world I want to return to. But I also don't want to be in this hellish place I am now. I know that it was brought on by trauma and anxiety which makes me realize this is another scary illusion my brain has created to cope. What I want to return to is the state I was in before all this craziness. a kind of happy limbo between the "real" world and mental illness.. where I felt like I saw through a lot of the veneers but I was also content and appreciative and connected to everything and not so effing scared and sad all the time.

King of Limbs.. came out of nowhere for me too. It has sweetened my days. I still feel like I'm unravelling it.


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

ItCouldBeRobots said:


> You're now experiencing true reality. It was illusion that made us feel so comfortable and take it for granted.


DP is the illusion.


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## sunyata samsara (Feb 18, 2011)

ItCouldBeRobots said:


> You're now experiencing true reality. It was illusion that made us feel so comfortable and take it for granted. You're in a state that people using transcendental meditation strive for. That monks strive for. I think you're more connected with all things now. That stillness inside was always there, it just wasn't felt through all the emotion that you're now detached from. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you now have the potential to be, and likely already are infinitely more perceptive. Complete freedom. Your eyes and your hands are now only moving when you tell them to. You now have complete freedom to change and to grow and become a stable, solid person. I managed to find positivity in the state of DP with the help of the Tao Te Ching. I was scared shitless until I read a bit of that. It affirmed everything I was feeling and thinking and turned it from negative to euphoric. You might wanna check it out. Give it a skim. Tao Te Ching. Welcome, and good luck.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I feel ya im Buddhist and my view on DP is TOTALLY different to most on here.


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## Guest (Mar 18, 2011)

resonantblue said:


> Hey, I definitely appreciate the positivity. I too believe that many "sane" individuals are caught up in an illusory world in which they are blissfully comfortably ignorant.. it is not that world I want to return to. But I also don't want to be in this hellish place I am now. I know that it was brought on by trauma and anxiety which makes me realize this is another scary illusion my brain has created to cope. What I want to return to is the state I was in before all this craziness. a kind of happy limbo between the "real" world and mental illness.. where I felt like I saw through a lot of the veneers but I was also content and appreciative and connected to everything and not so effing scared and sad all the time.
> 
> King of Limbs.. came out of nowhere for me too. It has sweetened my days. I still feel like I'm unravelling it.


Well, you seem to be uncommonly perceptive and articulate AND can really appreciate quality, thoughtful music. That seems positive.

Yeah. It can be quite difficult to find a balance. DP, at times was hell for me. Could get pretty tiring being on a level that other people never are or cannot even understand. I finally made it out, focused more on my budding addiction than anything else, so that apparently helped. Anyways, I hope you make it back to that happy limbo.


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## moose (Apr 17, 2011)

resonantblue said:


> My symptoms are:
> feeling disconnected from my body, from reality, from my sense of self
> being overwhelmed by the very fact of existing, of having a body and a mind.
> not understanding who the person in my head is and how I am that person but also my body
> ...


resonantblue,

Your symptoms match up almost to a tee to mine. To my list I would add a terrifying lack of emotions, and that the person who I know myself to be is disintegrating into some kind of eternal abyss of hell and/or psychosis. Essentially, it's the constant gravitational pull of some kind of psychological annihilation.

I have been in intense depth psychotherapy for three years now, unfortunately to no avail, despite trying like hell to find real meaning in my experience/symptoms. My shrink seems to think it's some kind of memory/trauma response to how I felt as a very young person, and it's true that I was emotionally neglected in a very real way. Still, I live with the same set of feelings that you do, so you are not alone.

Somehow, I still manage to hold down a job and a relationship. I even manage to exercise. Other than taking Klonopin on an as-needed basis, I don't take meds (at least not at the moment). I've tried various anti-depressants but they don't really agree with me. When the feelings are at their worst, they are truly debilitating. I have to take a day off from work and just sit at home, scared to death that I'm losing my mind.

I appreciate the idea that this experience is a kind of path to a better place, but after three years, I'm having trouble staying hopeful that I'll ever attain the kind of wellness that I used to feel.

So, if nothing else, you're certainly not alone.

PS: also a big Radiohead fan.

Best,
Moose


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## resonantblue (Mar 15, 2011)

Hey Moose,
Nice name. And thanks. And hey- you're not alone either. Nice to find this site, isn't it? This congregation of DP-d folk on the vast internet. Very comforting. My DP is relatively recent- I can't imagine what three years with it would be like. I keep hoping I'll just wake up and it will be gone but recently I've tried the approach of accepting that I may be this way forever. Yikes. Still a scary thought. Anyway, welcome!


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## Citizen Insane (May 2, 2011)

The title drew me in lol, im a huge radiohead fan, it seems Pshycadelic drug use, Radiohead and Depersonalization go hand in hand.
Its getting creepy how much i can relate to people here...


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