# My whole life has been a dream



## DriftingAstralSpirit (Sep 8, 2009)

Hello, i'm online all the time but haven't really participated in any forums much so i'm not sure how to start to introduce myself. My name is Nicole, i'm 25 years old and have lived in Ohio my whole life. I've been depersonalized as long as i can remember. Nothing around me is ever solid or real. So much so that it feels like i'm constantly in a state of intoxication of some kind. I feel like i could put my hand right through anything i see as if its not there, i have to constantly touch things to remind me they are solid matter. I repeat to myself over and over, "this is solid, this is here, you are here right now, in this moment" trying despritely to make myself feel real for just a second. I look around quickly hoping things will look solid for just a second but they don't. I supppose i know why i'm this way. I had a severely abusive childhood in horrific ways that i'm working on writing a book about. I'm convinced it will be a best seller if i can get it all written down. I definately have enough to write about, i try to work on it in my spare time. Its theraputic for me as well. I'm a very kind and empathetic person despite being depersonalized because of everything i've been through. Actually this is to a fault because i get walked all over by just about everyone. I'd really like to know how to get better with this. Another way being depersonalized has impacted me aside from my relationships with people not being as full or meaningful as it seems they should be is that i have never had a drivers license. Every time i have ever driven a car i get horrible panic attacks. I think this is for a logical reason though. I am so depersonalized that me driving a car sober is much like a regular person driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Nobody understands this feeling and think i am lazy or unmotivated but i'm just the opposite of that in every other aspect of my life! The truth of it is when i try to say pull into busy traffic, everything is so much like a dream and so unreal that i just can't cope with it and i fear i am at a big risk of getting into an accident. I wish people could be more understanding of this. Does anyone else in here have problems driving? Well i guess thats enough for now, not sure how active this forum is, i hope it is because i need people to relate to on this issue really bad. I look forward to talking to you all. Thanks for reading. 
-nicole-


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

I used to feel like the car was moving when I was at a complete stop. That freaked me out. I'd also have the sudden urge to drive off the road--not in a depressive suicidal way, but just a little voice in the back of my mind saying, _hey, do it_. Now I'm much better.


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

i've been scared to drive ever since i got dp/dr. it puts me in a trance where i forget that i'm driving and i just stare blankly at the road, unaware of traffic lights, stop signs, or break lights.


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## DriftingAstralSpirit (Sep 8, 2009)

Wow, i've had both of those problems! I'm not depressed or suicidal either but i also get the urge to drive off the road. I attribute it to an impulse problem, i think the numbness that i feel makes me want to do impulsive things so i can try to feel something. I have to do extreme things to try to feel though because the depersonalization is so intense for me and even then it doesn't work, but i know thats what i'm trying to do. I don't feel real or solid or alive so i worry i could do something like that in a intense moment and not even register that it might kill me, not even think of it. 
I also get into a haze where i go on automatic, this happens if i try to drive and many other things i do throughout the day. I think its because im not in touch with the things going on around me. I'm like a cloud and sometimes everything around me just becomes a haze of time and space.
Thank you both for your replys, i'm sorry to hear that you relate, but it help me to know that my problems aren't just unique to me and i'm not alone.
I will defintely be reading more in the forums, i've never met anyone with depersonalization problems like i have so reading about others that experience the same things as me and especially some of their solutions or at least things that help really makes a big difference. It helps for me to begin addressing this and having someone to talk to about how i feel as well that can truly understand! I look forward to talking with everyone! Thanks again for your replys!


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## amalgamation (Sep 15, 2009)

i had problems driving when my depersonalization was at its worst. i was so unaware of everything that was going on around me, it was like being intoxicated. scary, i had to do it though, had to go to work. barely avoided a few accidents.


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