# im stuck.



## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

Im really having a tough go right now at life...
I was just in the hospital for 6 months which i dont think helped my cause because i witnessed some crazy shit in there..

I dont know what to do anymore. My brain is just so fucked up. Not only have i had DP/DR 24/7 for 12 years but now newer problems are creeping up like serious attention and concentration problems. Its so bad that I cant carry out a simple conversation with people just because my brain wont function correctly. I hear people talk and i simply just dont understand them.

How am i supposed to hold a job like this? how am i supposed to keep a girl? or maintain good relationships with my family and friends? I try and go out and do social things but im soo messed up I cant function right around my friends. I just sit there like a fuckin zombie and dont say anything. I know i have brain damage. My thought process does not exhist.. BAH how do i deal with this? I dont want to end up back in the hospital and I can feel myself slipping to that level again. How do I just accept or overcome these mental challenges. Right now my only thing keepin me alive is smoking weed daily which i know is not helping my cause but i feel like i dont have a choice...
I dont want to live life like this anymore.But i dont want to commit suicide either because Its not fair to my family. Im stuck here.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hey brother. Wish I had some magic pills for ya. Actually I do know of some pretty damn magical pills and substances but they seem to cause problems and land people like us (who are born with unbelievably high amounts of luck) in jail. I relate to what you wrote. I can't piece thoughts together and also feel like my thought processes don't exist. It's so damn frustrating, it drives me mad. I look back at when I tried to kill myself 2 years ago and despite the suffering I am glad I survived that and am not dead. If we recover we are gunna experience life in a way that not many people experience. Fuck dude, when we get better, i guarantee life will be more amazing in our eyes than it is in 99.9% of the population. That thought is what drives me to hang on and not end things now. If I kill myself now, I will never know what could have been.


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## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Hey brother. Wish I had some magic pills for ya. Actually I do know of some pretty damn magical pills and substances but they seem to cause problems and land people like us (who are born with unbelievably high amounts of luck) in jail. I relate to what you wrote. I can't piece thoughts together and also feel like my thought processes don't exist. It's so damn frustrating, it drives me mad. I look back at when I tried to kill myself 2 years ago and despite the suffering I am glad I survived that and am not dead. If we recover we are gunna experience life in a way that not many people experience. Fuck dude, when we get better, i guarantee life will be more amazing in our eyes than it is in 99.9% of the population. That thought is what drives me to hang on and not end things now. If I kill myself now, I will never know what could have been.


Dude I get that thought about getting better aswell.. but for me its just not likely to happen to be honest. I've had this shit for so long i dont see why it would change now especially after its getting worse. I feel like im falling farther and farther down the rabbit hole as the years go by. And the stigma with mental illness is driving me crazy. Just having to deal with family and friends on a daily basis is hard because im "different"...
What i really need to learn to do is accept.. but i have no idea how to do that. I just cant get passed the fact that this is as good as it gets. Shit i have what 50 years left on this earth... thats alot of suffering ahead of me. I dont want to view it as suffering but i feel like i cant help that. How do you accept what is inevetable?
sorry for the rant dude im just freakin out here. Maybe i should take your advice and get a bag of shrooms and go trip out in the forest. haha maybe i will find some answers there...


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## snowcat3030 (Sep 30, 2010)

Optimusrhyme said:


> Dude I get that thought about getting better aswell.. but for me its just not likely to happen to be honest. I've had this shit for so long i dont see why it would change now especially after its getting worse. I feel like im falling farther and farther down the rabbit hole as the years go by. And the stigma with mental illness is driving me crazy. Just having to deal with family and friends on a daily basis is hard because im "different"...
> What i really need to learn to do is accept.. but i have no idea how to do that. I just cant get passed the fact that this is as good as it gets. Shit i have what 50 years left on this earth... thats alot of suffering ahead of me. I dont want to view it as suffering but i feel like i cant help that. How do you accept what is inevetable?
> sorry for the rant dude im just freakin out here. Maybe i should take your advice and get a bag of shrooms and go trip out in the forest. haha maybe i will find some answers there...


Hey Optimus,

You gotta have faith man and hang in there. What you said about the stigma attached on having a mental illness I totally get. Some people truly just don't understand because they are ignorant of our illness. And the ignorant ones will treat you differently, which perpetuates the condition. Especially employers, they are supposed to help you through but they will find a way to get rid of you. That is why I NEVER disclose my mental illness to anyone anymore and it is better that way (except this board of course!). It is sad that it has to be that way.

You may hate me for this, and I am no expert but I think the weed may be making your situation worse man. Marajuana just seems to perpetuate our condition, and from what I have seen shrooms can make a person psychotic forever. Those drugs take us and keep us further down the rabbit hole, they are terrible. And bloody expensive too! I hope and know that you will get well bro, and I hope my two cents was welcome.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Optimusrhyme said:


> Dude I get that thought about getting better aswell.. but for me its just not likely to happen to be honest. I've had this shit for so long i dont see why it would change now especially after its getting worse. I feel like im falling farther and farther down the rabbit hole as the years go by. And the stigma with mental illness is driving me crazy. Just having to deal with family and friends on a daily basis is hard because im "different"...
> What i really need to learn to do is accept.. but i have no idea how to do that. I just cant get passed the fact that this is as good as it gets. Shit i have what 50 years left on this earth... thats alot of suffering ahead of me. I dont want to view it as suffering but i feel like i cant help that. How do you accept what is inevetable?
> sorry for the rant dude im just freakin out here. Maybe i should take your advice and get a bag of shrooms and go trip out in the forest. haha maybe i will find some answers there...


I hear ya man, I'm scared too. Really scared. If I knew how to accept it I would tell you. How do you accept something that is killing you? It's our natural reaction to fight. If it's our natural reaction to fight our own defense mechanism then is this really a defense mechanism?


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels like the longer I have this, the further off I get from recovering from it, like it's progressive in some way I can't control. That thought freaked me out a week or two ago, when I got what felt like pretty incoherent for a couple of days, and that always brings up the thought, "man, what if I'm like this for the rest of my life?" It's already been almost 1/4 of my whole life that I've spent in this fog.

I've had a couple of moments this weekend where my vision seemed to clear up a little bit, enough that I could really look at whatever was in front of me, and that was really encouraging. Also, it seems like I'm slowly but surely getting more deep emotions . . . I think. It's tough to tell, since it's so tough to remember what's happened since this started, aside from the huge things like "I moved" and "I graduated." But that numbness is getting less intense overall; I seem to feel anxiety more intensely, which isn't fun, but a good sign, I'm pretty sure.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

I know how it feels too. At least the feeling of being stuck. There is a lot of disappointment to deal with. Especially the part of being young and not having a job and hardly socializing is hard I think. But I guess having a more spiritual approach to life, looking at it as a lesson to learn is helpful, at least it works for me.
It may be a defense mechanism, a way to try to attach some meaning to something that is kind of meaningless, but I still feel that life is just a part of a journey of the soul.


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

Hey,(sorry if you mentioned this before and I never read it but..) have you thought about getting SS Disability for mental illness? I don't know youre situation but I sympathize with you. 10 years with this seems terrifying.


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