# Please read, I am so desperate, I am really close to killing myself!



## so_tired (Dec 11, 2012)

SORRY ABOUT MY ENGLISH PPL, IT IS MUCH BETTER WHEN I AM NOT THIS DISTRESSED.. BUT PLS READ IT ANYWAY

Well, just not to make anyone worried, I wont kill myself just like that. I will try many things before... like going to some Ashram if nothing else works... but i feel at the lowest low, and it lasts for yrs

well,

Hello

so I just recently read more into DPD and i feel like that's 'it' unfortunatelly. I am not new to psych problems, I am struggling for 7+ years, and as well before that, in HS, and before. Well, probably since I can remember I was having psych problems, though the breaking poing was when I was 18, 7yrs ago, when my dad died.

This is what I experience:

TERRIBLE ability to contect to people. I feel dead next to people, they trigger me, my social phobia is CRAZY. I feel very like I am not alive. I can be all collected at home and then I am among people and it all goes to waste, I am back at the beginning back at that feeling of not being alive.

I feel like I am a little baby in bed and want to reach out to people but my arms are too short to reach them. Its that feeling,* so close but so far!*

This feeling, along with (caused by that?) terrible self-esteem caused me to *isolate myself completely.* For years I don't have any social life, I barely am able to hold on to 2-3 social contacts, and those are always of low quality because my life quality is low in general.

Due to extreme unhappiness and feeling of* being different than others,* not fitting in, I got v*ery depressed *and for years was struggling.* I put on A LOT of weight* (am obese and 7yrs ago I had perfect weight)

I always preferred therapies but they obviously didnt solve problems. Many different therapists, all had different opinion on my condition.

My current one obviously thinks I am 'just' neurotic. With social phobia etc.
My last one that was srsly disturbed (tried to split my bf and me in some crazy way) said to him I have *borderline personality disorder. *
*Other therapists, some said it is ridiculous that I have BPD. some said it isnt*

I do have many personality disorder traits, like, I find myself in BPD symptoms like - not liking myself, having rocky relationships, feeling suicidal, feeling abandonded. Though, even if I have elements of BPD, I am really feeling DPD is bigger problem. Since I am managing to reduce BPD symptoms by years - more in tune with people - but since DPD isn't getting better my functioning is just as low. Because when I am with people - *there is not ME THERE. *
*so, that is my subjective perspective, i could have totally distordered self-view, but i tried to be as honest as possible.*

*Thing is, there was TOO MUCH SUFFERRING. I obviously haven't done the necessary things to stop DPD. I did all the wrong things. Read too much, googled obsessively, tried many therapies.*

*I am so desperate.. verrrryyy desperate..i have NO LIFE! NOTHING!*

*I am afraid of shrinks, labeling and mental institutions. I figured there is too much CONTROL issue in me, is this normal with DPD. I am obsessed how will it look if I go to hospital - will they make me take pills I dont like, will I have to sleep in uncomfortable, smelly bed, will I be sharing room with some crazies (i am from Balkans, not good standard here!!!), will doctors label me as psychotic, will I be FORCED TO BEHAVE LIKE I DONT WANT TO ... like.. shower regularly, be physically active when ALL I WANT TO DO IS LIE DOWN. and will they be CRUEL if I say I have no energy for that? Will they respect my feelings?*
*Though, maybe I should just start listening other people bc for now I was listening to myself and myself only and this is where it led me.. to the edge.. and obesity.. and feeling like a vegetable.*

*Anyway.. are these issues typical for DPD?*

I was in some therapy where the therapist with 'inner child' hypnosis and stuff was digging in my subconscious, and digged out some srs stuff, like i felt i was sexually abused, and had some (not complete or strong) evidence, like my 2yrs older sister did abuse me - she confessed - but i felt there was more... etc.. and i went kind off psychotic because the therapy was TOO INTRUSIVE.. and i snapped.
The thing is the therapy guided my feelings of detachment/dissociation and linked it to sexual abuse, and I dont care how I will call my past, but i still have that feeling. And I was so optimistic about the therapy, but it ended up unsuccessful. Some things - like understanding - was better but functioning wasnt.


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## Guest (Dec 11, 2012)

So_tired I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I'll PM you.


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## so_tired (Dec 11, 2012)

L i o n H e ❥ r t said:


> So_tired I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I'll PM you.


THANKS.







i am looking fwd to your PM since this will be the first time I talk in my life with anyone with DP. And funny, my bf, we are 1yr together, has big DP as well, but he always thinks I am making it up and "he must be the only one with such problems" so we never talked about it because he is elitist about MI. Like he has some legal rights over OCD, Pure O, DP etc.. that he suffers from. LOL


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## Mel anie (Jan 10, 2012)

It will get better.


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## Aby0770 (Sep 23, 2012)

Hi so-tired,.

In my first bout of DP about 20 years ago, I mentioned my DP to a rabbi I am acquainted with. (I didn't call it DP. I didn't know what it was.) I said I felt detached. He immediately said it is "obsession of the self" and "you have to remove your attention from it". That worked and I got rid of DP within a few months and was rid of it for 20 years.

I don't know if the rabbi had the holy spirit, or just help from heaven, or insight or experience, but he said the right thing,

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It seems anxiety makes this worse. Also depression. They both seem to cause collapse of the 'self'. Joy causes all the faculties to gush forth and solidifies the self.

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You must keep active. And be with people.

Blessings,

avi


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## Guest (Dec 11, 2012)

Aby0770 said:


> Hi so-tired,.
> 
> In my first bout of DP about 20 years ago, I mentioned my DP to a rabbi I am acquainted with. (I didn't call it DP. I didn't know what it was.) I said I felt detached. He immediately said it is "obsession of the self" and "you have to remove your attention from it". That worked and I got rid of DP within a few months and was rid of it for 20 years.
> 
> ...


I love this!


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## so_tired (Dec 11, 2012)

Aby0770 said:


> Hi so-tired,.
> 
> In my first bout of DP about 20 years ago, I mentioned my DP to a rabbi I am acquainted with. (I didn't call it DP. I didn't know what it was.) I said I felt detached. He immediately said it is "obsession of the self" and "you have to remove your attention from it". That worked and I got rid of DP within a few months and was rid of it for 20 years.
> 
> ...


thanks. yeah, obsession with the self. i noticed today that it is actually impossible not to be obsessed if you are alone (not physically but mentally alone). because i had this feeling from an early age that I am left all alone, abandonded. That was the case actually, I mean, I really had too rocky surrounding and no emotional support or any adult to connect to. So, i felt this abandondment panic anxiety.. and it left me forever in that state. Kind of feeling like I am all alone in the open space... nobody on the horizont... in this mental state, if you are really all alone on the planet.. who to focus on but yourself? it is impossible to focus on anything else.

problem with 'be with people' is hardest because being with people is hard if I cant give anything. and in this DPDR state I obviously feel like a robot and so I cant connect and I dont form connections so I end up alone... or i am a serious burden and vampire to a few who i am close with.

well, we all know it's complicate.d


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## Aby0770 (Sep 23, 2012)

* How are you doing these days, so_tired?*

-avi


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## Guest (Jan 11, 2013)

I once dated a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder. When left untreated, people with BPD are often impulsive and very sexually-charged or sexually promiscuous.
Hard to say if you have that. 
Either way, depression and anxiety seem to fit in with virtually every psychological/psychiatric disorder.

Well if lying around and being sloth-like is helping you feel _some_ pleasure, then i don't see any problem with it.
Of course, doctors will tell you to _slowly_ get out there and start integrating yourself back into society. 
And take baby-steps.
There is a certain amount of truth to the merit of this idea; but it is not always beneficial [depending on the severity of your dp/dr]. 
The thing to do is take it as slow as possible and try to maintain any sort of "traction" so you don't feel like you are slipping. 
Go as slow as you want to [..maybe even slower].

If you feel like your mental health/self-esteem/physical state is like a 2 or 3 out of 10 don't try to jump to an 7, 8, 9 or 10 right away. 
Make incremental steps toward your recovery.


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree samUL, I have had my DP for 3 and a half months, and I haven't been able to go out or do anything. I have only just today made some arrangements to meet a couple of friends for coffee a couple of days next week, and that is a big step for me. I am trying to refocus off of my DP, which is a new thing I am now doing, but agree it can be difficult, hence why I am taking it slow..... hope you are well today.


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