# having Social anxiety with Depersonalization, and the problem (longish)



## rtheserlivez (Jan 22, 2010)

ok, so heres my problem at this point of recovery from depersonalization, but to start off, ill give a short background of the real culprit thats been hovering quite intensely in my life,my entire life, of which i also think is the main reason why i still have depersonalization today. The culprit is Social Anxiety Disorder, ive had it for as far back as i can remember, pretty much my whole life (im 20). ok, so i smoked pot for the first time in 7th or 8th grade (7 years ago)and from that point on i had depersonalization..and to my enjoyment I felt some of the symptoms and thoughts of social anxiety much less(but still there in a weaker form of course) in the depersonalized state because of the intensity of the numbness. I didnt know what this new strange feeling was but all i did know was that i could more easily communicate with people.. that i could use this state to "turn off my mind", suppress my emotions, talk to people and share ideas better then ever before...Its all i cared about, having had this crippling disorder every second of my life prior. The downside to the depersonalized state is that it made me (and still makes me) feel like half of my intelligence has been stripped away, Made into feeling constantly drunk/drugged up, slow, and stupid...like a mental shell of what i used to be before with the social anxiety, and not really my real self. But without the depersonalization i was living a life of daily adrenaline pumping panic attacks, the fear and anxiety being so bad that i would get the runs almost daily..i didnt feel comfortable talking to anyone, not even my own family. So then i chose to sit tight on this strange and scary ride called depersonalization. Instead of feeling too many sensations from my body (social anxiety) i now felt nothing whatsoever. Time went on and i was enjoying the rest of junior high through sophmore year until i met a girl i was really into, first girl i ever loved, but it didnt work out so i fell into a deep depression. After a while,knowing that i wasnt going to just get over it, and needing to start eating and living again, i numbed myself out beyond the point of comprehension... really took it to a whole nother level of feeling 'out of it'. So on top of using the depersonalization for my social anxiety disorder, i was now using it to suppress the emotions of losing someone i cared about.

After a while, using depersonalization to run away from the fear and anxiety of my life extended to much smaller stresses and worries, like the stresses of having homework that had to get done or of having to go to bed early to get up in the morning. Pretty much anything that caused me the least bit of discomfort or worry i numbed out. i just totally numbed those and other worries out of my mind, until soon it seemed like every aspect of my life was being controlled by depersonalization. I also noticed that i didnt have a threshold for eating anymore. I would overeat and not know when to stop, like, i wouldnt know when my body was full anymore most of the time, and even when i did for some reason my dp was causing me to eat twice as much in one sitting then i normally would. I wouldnt overeat because i was depressed, because when i used to get depressed before dp i wouldnt eat at all, and also, i couldnt get depressed because of the extent of the numbness. So i guess the lack of physical and emotional feeling that comes from depersonalization also extends to the signals your body lets out telling you you are full, numbing even that aswell.

So finally, after having this for 7 years, im at the point where i know exactly what it is, ive read articles, books, any and all information you could possibly find on it, and just recently after some hard thought realized that this feeling came on right after i first smoked pot. Because ive been numbing every bit of activity going on in my mind (accept the positive, well even some positive), it took me this long to dwelve deep enough through the dp to find one of the many memories that had been blocked out, which is the fact of how this sensation came about when i was 14 after silently freaking out while on pot. For the longest time i thought it was brought on by the social anxiety, but only recently realized that its actaully whats been keeping it there. Its been used as a tool against my social anxiety, as a way out.. Which brings me to what my problem is right now with moving forward in recovery. First of all, the research i have done having to do with social anxiety and on ways of curing it are 10 times the amount ive done for depersonalization. I learned that Social Anxiety is the real problem, its always been the real and only problem. shure Depersonalization is scary, but i highly doubt it would still be with me right now if i wasnt having to literally make my self stupid from the amount of depersonalization ive been forcing on myself everyday to be able to communicate without having panic attacks. 90% of the dp was used on my anxiety. So, from all the research done on help and cures found on SA, i found something called Panic Away. I considered it because of how many people have legitamitly had success from it, including people with Social anxiety. So, i bought it. It teaches you to just flow with whatever your body throws at you, and says that whenever you feel a panic attack coming your suppose to fully feel every single sensation that goes with having a panic attack, like your pounding heart or shaking. OBSERVE, EMBRACE and DEMAND MORE are, in panic away's eyes, the three musts in overcoming anxiety and panic attacks permanatly... and i have to say that i believe that to be the case. But, theres one major problem...i cant feel the anxiety like how i used to have it. The depersonalization has numbed it out to the point where i dont have panic attacks anymore, but i still have some of the thoughts (atleast the few that havent been numbed yet) and anxiety, so the social anxiety is still very much there.

when i found the possible cure in panic away for the ultimate problem my life has ever known, i got excited, until i realized that i couldnt follow the prescrition until i took care of depersonalization first, so that i could fully feel the anxiety at 100%, fully feel the intesity of the fear, go through it and come out the other side. Ive read from a few articles and websites about depersonalization and anxiety that when you take care of the core problem, the depersonalization will dissapear with it. But in my case, the core problem (SA) cant be resolved until i get rid of depersonalization, until i can feel and be 'in the now' again. hah, i know im over explaining it but one more time to really paint that picture...- i cant recover from social anxiety because i have depersonalization, but i cant communicate, work, appear normal, or have any sense of confidence in myself unless i have the dp..(atleast while i still have the SA). Its a false depersonalized confidence, but its helped me get through the past 7 years. i know that its not me, im not living my full utmost potential, and never will be if i have depersonalization or social anxiety. Ive seen the kind of person i am when i wasnt socially anxious or depersonalized (however few those instances may have been)..and that person, THE TRUE ME ..is funny, outgoing, smart, and he is well worth going through hell to be, and this is the ultimate goal. But then ill have thoughts saying to myself "ehh idk though, without the depersonalization i remember being VERY sensitive..like, couldnt joke with anyone without getting my feelings hurt very easily." and with that thought comes fear to come out of the dp to face the social anxiety. -You can easily see what the dilemna is-.. even though i know i have to feel those scary feelings again to get over them, Its very hard to let go of that 'way out', that comfort blanket of dp. But i know what needs to be done, Ive been trying very hard for a while to get over this, using every trick in the book thus far like: getting back in touch with my body, redirecting my focus, going out and doing my daily routine as i normally would ( my daily routine without dp would be one with social anxiety, but wouldnt be able to begin recovery from SA because id still be numb,see the paradox!? =/) etc..but im still trapped and cant seem to get out. So if anyone here has any advice for someone with SA trying to get out of dp id love to hear it. im at the point in my life where its do or die, and i refuse to live this kind of life any longer. and srry for the essay, i really just had to get all of this out to people that would understand.


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## UniQueLyEviL (Mar 12, 2010)

Hah. What the hell, are you _me_??

How has your quest been going so far??



rtheserlivez said:


> ok, so heres my problem at this point of recovery from depersonalization, but to start off, ill give a short background of the real culprit thats been hovering quite intensely in my life,my entire life, of which i also think is the main reason why i still have depersonalization today. The culprit is Social Anxiety Disorder, ive had it for as far back as i can remember, pretty much my whole life (im 20). ok, so i smoked pot for the first time in 7th or 8th grade (7 years ago)and from that point on i had depersonalization..and to my enjoyment I felt some of the symptoms and thoughts of social anxiety much less(but still there in a weaker form of course) in the depersonalized state because of the intensity of the numbness. I didnt know what this new strange feeling was but all i did know was that i could more easily communicate with people.. that i could use this state to "turn off my mind", suppress my emotions, talk to people and share ideas better then ever before...Its all i cared about, having had this crippling disorder every second of my life prior. The downside to the depersonalized state is that it made me (and still makes me) feel like half of my intelligence has been stripped away, Made into feeling constantly drunk/drugged up, slow, and stupid...like a mental shell of what i used to be before with the social anxiety, and not really my real self. But without the depersonalization i was living a life of daily adrenaline pumping panic attacks, the fear and anxiety being so bad that i would get the runs almost daily..i didnt feel comfortable talking to anyone, not even my own family. So then i chose to sit tight on this strange and scary ride called depersonalization. Instead of feeling too many sensations from my body (social anxiety) i now felt nothing whatsoever. Time went on and i was enjoying the rest of junior high through sophmore year until i met a girl i was really into, first girl i ever loved, but it didnt work out so i fell into a deep depression. After a while,knowing that i wasnt going to just get over it, and needing to start eating and living again, i numbed myself out beyond the point of comprehension... really took it to a whole nother level of feeling 'out of it'. So on top of using the depersonalization for my social anxiety disorder, i was now using it to suppress the emotions of losing someone i cared about.
> 
> After a while, using depersonalization to run away from the fear and anxiety of my life extended to much smaller stresses and worries, like the stresses of having homework that had to get done or of having to go to bed early to get up in the morning. Pretty much anything that caused me the least bit of discomfort or worry i numbed out. i just totally numbed those and other worries out of my mind, until soon it seemed like every aspect of my life was being controlled by depersonalization. I also noticed that i didnt have a threshold for eating anymore. I would overeat and not know when to stop, like, i wouldnt know when my body was full anymore most of the time, and even when i did for some reason my dp was causing me to eat twice as much in one sitting then i normally would. I wouldnt overeat because i was depressed, because when i used to get depressed before dp i wouldnt eat at all, and also, i couldnt get depressed because of the extent of the numbness. So i guess the lack of physical and emotional feeling that comes from depersonalization also extends to the signals your body lets out telling you you are full, numbing even that aswell.
> 
> ...


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