# Really struggling with a blank mind, I don't want to live like this. Please please please help.



## Maxx

Hey guys,

Sorry for the bleak title, especially in an introduction, but i'm gonna be completely honest i'm not sure if I can do this.

So i've been feeling really fucked recently (actually about the past 6 months but wasn't aware of it) and i'm 99% sure it's DP or either the onset of psychosis... I'll give an outline of the event's that I think have led to the way i've been feeling.

I began smoking weed occasionally when I was about 15 and experienced what I now think was depersonalisation. It went away when I stopped and others had experienced this as well so I thought it to be a normal side affect and assumed that would always be the case. I began smoking a lot more over the years and in the past year became a daily smoker, reaching 2 grams a day over the past months when I went to university. I noticed I was changing, becoming more lethargic and apathetic about everything, social incapable and felt as if I wasn't really thinking anymore but thought these were again a reversible side effect that would go away after stopping.

I've been clean about 6 weeks now and i'm really struggling because nothing is changing. I don't feel like I perceive the world in the same way as I did before smoking, I don't feel like I properly feel my emotions anymore and certainly don't ever feel joy. My ability to articulate myself and my memory is severely affected but the most difficult thing for me at the moment is a blank mind and the disappearance of my ability to have visual imagery from thoughts. (For example: When I shut my eyes to go to sleep there's just darkness. I don't have any thoughts and I feel completely empty). I do have the occasional thought but this is only really from external stimuli and they're usually related to a memory and don't end up becoming a train of thoughts. I feel like i'm fucking brain dead and that i'll never be able to think properly again. I can just stare into space not really focusing on anything or having any thoughts. All I can think about it how absent my mind is and the fact I don't think anything like anyone else. This really really upsets me as i'm an aspiring filmmaker with high hopes but since i've entered this phase I can't even think passivly, let alone have an imagination or be creative. I'm crying my eyes out writing this as I can't fathom how my brain will ever rewire itself to be able to think or have and imagination like I used to and that's really crushing me. I realise i'm only 6 weeks into my recovery from cannabis abuse and I can sometimes take months, if not years, but I can't seem to find anything about people in the same situation as me and their recovery stories. To make matters worse i've had tinnitus for about 2 years from over expose to noise which, in combination with the emptiness in my mind, makes it incredibly difficult to get to sleep.

I know it's a really awful thing to say but if i'm completely honest i'd rather die than live with my mind like this. I would really really appreciate some help on how I can sort myself out and get myself back on track. I know I can't change what's done but I would do anything to go back to the way I used to be and to be able to think properly (I'd literally give up a limb or two). Will I ever recover from having a blank mind?

Thank you in advance for any advice anyone has to offer it would be MASSIVELY appreciated.

Maxx


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## MichaelTheAnhedonic

Maxx said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry for the bleak title, especially in an introduction, but i'm gonna be completely honest i'm not sure if I can do this.
> 
> So i've been feeling really fucked recently (actually about the past 6 months but wasn't aware of it) and i'm 99% sure it's DP or either the onset of psychosis... I'll give an outline of the event's that I think have led to the way i've been feeling.
> 
> I began smoking weed occasionally when I was about 15 and experienced what I now think was depersonalisation. It went away when I stopped and others had experienced this as well so I thought it to be a normal side affect and assumed that would always be the case. I began smoking a lot more over the years and in the past year became a daily smoker, reaching 2 grams a day over the past months when I went to university. I noticed I was changing, becoming more lethargic and apathetic about everything, social incapable and felt as if I wasn't really thinking anymore but thought these were again a reversible side effect that would go away after stopping.
> 
> I've been clean about 6 weeks now and i'm really struggling because nothing is changing. I don't feel like I perceive the world in the same way as I did before smoking, I don't feel like I properly feel my emotions anymore and certainly don't ever feel joy. My ability to articulate myself and my memory is severely affected but the most difficult thing for me at the moment is a blank mind and the disappearance of my ability to have visual imagery from thoughts. (For example: When I shut my eyes to go to sleep there's just darkness. I don't have any thoughts and I feel completely empty). I do have the occasional thought but this is only really from external stimuli and they're usually related to a memory and don't end up becoming a train of thoughts. I feel like i'm fucking brain dead and that i'll never be able to think properly again. I can just stare into space not really focusing on anything or having any thoughts. All I can think about it how absent my mind is and the fact I don't think anything like anyone else. This really really upsets me as i'm an aspiring filmmaker with high hopes but since i've entered this phase I can't even think passivly, let alone have an imagination or be creative. I'm crying my eyes out writing this as I can't fathom how my brain will ever rewire itself to be able to think or have and imagination like I used to and that's really crushing me. I realise i'm only 6 weeks into my recovery from cannabis abuse and I can sometimes take months, if not years, but I can't seem to find anything about people in the same situation as me and their recovery stories. To make matters worse i've had tinnitus for about 2 years from over expose to noise which, in combination with the emptiness in my mind, makes it incredibly difficult to get to sleep.
> 
> I know it's a really awful thing to say but if i'm completely honest i'd rather die than live with my mind like this. I would really really appreciate some help on how I can sort myself out and get myself back on track. I know I can't change what's done but I would do anything to go back to the way I used to be and to be able to think properly (I'd literally give up a limb or two). Will I ever recover from having a blank mind?
> 
> Thank you in advance for any advice anyone has to offer it would be MASSIVELY appreciated.
> 
> Maxx


I have this same problem (complete fucking nothingness) and I got SPECT scan of my brain. I'll receive the results in next week.


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## Maxx

MichaelTheAnhedonic said:


> I have this same problem (complete fucking nothingness) and I got SPECT scan of my brain. I'll receive the results in next week.


Let me know how you get on man. I really feel for you if you're in the same situation as me, it's horrific.


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## MichaelTheAnhedonic

NZRecovery said:


> Michael could you pm me an update from your SPECT Scan please. Max im suffering fromm the same problem years after first induction to anxiety and dr/dp which was 6 years ago. If I had any pointers or find anything new I will keep you all updated, its been a year and functioning is a basic struggle everyday. Its been a year for me unfortunately after a major trauma involving bike accident that killed my best freind. Now reality is so out of touch, disconnection if you say.
> 
> Message me If you want anybody anytime.


Sure. Maybe, just maybe I'll get the results today.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Sorry to hear this has happened to you Maxx, I have the same issue as you, and our other comrades who haven posted in the thread.

I also have loud tinnitus and know what its like trying to sleep with noise in your ears and nothing but darkness in your mind. I have found that it is much easier to distract myself from the tinnitus, which has got a bit quieter for me over time, compared to the blank mind. Blank mind for me is the worst. Are you getting any help with this from professionals? I was top student in neuroscience, so I know what it is like to loose everything - believe me, I have, including my reputation, job, money etc (though those were from before the dp set in, and not blank mind). Which country do you live in?

I'm here for you mate.


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## Maxx

Hey guys thanks for the support and it comforting in a way to know i'm not alone. Been doing a lot of research in the past few days which has made me feel quite positive tbh. If you haven't already, i'd definitely check out the pinned post 'a shot to the neck cured my DP' (or something similar) which is in the 'Recover Stories' forum. After reading that I did quite a lot of research into chronic anxiety, depression and stress over a long period of time and the side effects it could have. Interestingly, they seem to be very similar to DP (including a blank mind) and i also found similar things when looking into PTSD. I understand that DP could be a symptom of multiple things but I urge you all to reflect on yourselves and think whether you've experienced any of these as I definitely found it eye opening to the the possible causes of my DP.

I had a really bad trip on truffles a few years ago which was the worst emotionally stressful experience i've ever experienced. I can't be certain as my memory is so poor but i think that is when I first started feeling the effects of DP. I also realised that I was one of the few regular stoners who experienced anxiety everytime I smoked as I assume most people who feel this just don't smoke weed. Sounds fucking stupid and I feel like i should've realised it would cause issues but i just accepted it as a side effect and continued smoking(dumb as fuck I know). If you put that into perspective, I was essential under constant anxiety for about 2 years of my life which could POTENTIALLY have a similar effect to someone suffering with PTSD as i guess reoccurring stress and anxiety is a symptom of PTSD. I found that chronic stress from anxiety and depression lead to an increase in the protein c-fos which in turn reduces the presence of the chemical acetylcholine which is heavily responsible for cognitive function. Acetylcholine is present between the synapses in the brain and seems to be responsible for allowing neuro-transitions to pass through the synapses. If you consider being deficient in acetylcholine for an extended period of time, it would make sense (atleast in my uneducated opinion) that the neuro-pathways would decrease in strength as they're not functioning properly (kind of the opposite to practicing something which would strengthen the pathways). Unfortunately, I don't exactly have a solution at present but from most of the anecdotal recovery stories it seems a reoccurring theme is forgetting about the fact you've got a blank mind. Sounds kind of impossible but my take on them is that they're essentially saying "stop stressing about it and reduce your anxiety levels" which would suggest you'd decrease your c-fos and increase levels of acetylcholine. I plan on enquiring about the possibility of a stelle ganglion block after seeing a specialist if they agree with my causes as I feel i could benefit from this. I'm also concidering looking into RTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation) as this seems to have success in treating depression and even DP itself.

For those who've developed Aphantasia (the medical term for not being able to see mental images) I've discovered a potentially very positive cure. I can't say for certain if it works as i've only just stumbled across it but there's a technique called 'image streaming' which, when practiced everyday for a few months, allows you to regain the ability to see vivid images in your head! What gives me even more confidence is that fact that people seem to have a lot more success if they were able to see mental images before a lost it. Here's a link to the page I learnt about it - https://photographyinsider.info/image-streaming-for-photographers/

I want to add that pretty much all of this is just based on my own online research and hasn't be verified by a professional so don't take it as a fact. However, there really doesn't seem to be that much information on the causes of DP and aphantasia out there but this seems to make sense to me. I hope to see a specialist psychiatrist in the next few weeks as well as a neurologist at some point to confirm my speculations and will definitely report back when I do.

Stay strong guys, no matter how long you've been going through this i'm POSITIVE we can get better and back to our normal lives. Likewise, feel free to message me directly if you'd like any more info and sources for my findings or just want a chat.

I'm from the UK btw.


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## Chris1234

my heart is with you man that sounds terrible and Ive been feeling it for 15 years now. Good on ya for starting on recovery now, youll make it!


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## MichaelTheAnhedonic

Yo, today I received SPECT results.

- Decreased activity in Right Prefrontal Cortex
- Decreased activity in left brain hemishpere.


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## Pondererer

MichaelTheAnhedonic said:


> Yo, today I received SPECT results.
> 
> - Decreased activity in Right Prefrontal Cortex
> - Decreased activity in left brain hemishpere.


In practical terms what Does that mean? Is it recomended you get any treatment or meds?


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## MichaelTheAnhedonic

I don't know. I'm waiting for consultation with neurologist.


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## Pondererer

MichaelTheAnhedonic said:


> I don't know. I'm waiting for consultation with neurologist.


Nice if you will keep us updated


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## TDX

> Decreased activity in Right Prefrontal Cortex


It could explain why stimulants seem to help you. I think the technical term for such a finding is hypofrontality.


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## MichaelTheAnhedonic

TDX said:


> It could explain why stimulants seem to help you. I think the technical term for such a finding is hypofrontality.


Yes, indeed. I knew about hypofrontality and stimulants long before the scan. The results just confirmed this. But they're not sustainable solution. Can't take it anymore cuz I've got Hashimoto and I react differently to meds. When the thyroid will be healed, then maybe I will take it again.


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## TDX

> Yes, indeed. I knew about hypofrontality and stimulants long before the scan. The results just confirmed this. But they're not sustainable solution. Can't take it anymore cuz I've got Hashimoto and I react differently to meds. When the thyroid will be healed, then maybe I will take it again.


I think I've read the clozapine sometimes partially helps against hypofrontality in schizophrenia. It also allegedly sometimes works against the negative symptoms, but I haven't found good evidence for this. But perhaps it is worth a try, even in spite of you not having schizophrenia.

Unfortunately for me Clozapine (200 mg/day) didn't work. The only really notable thing was that it is the most sedating medication I ever took and unlike Mirtazapine there was no tolerance to it. But I don't have schizophrenia and it is also not certain if I have hypofrontality.


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## Ernestia Ignis

I have the same symptoms a you- a blank mind, complete emptiness of thought, no creativity

(I'm really sad about having lost that too) as well as lack of train of thought. (Yeah, no internal voice or anything).

Lack of visual imagery too.

I'm rly sorry ur career as an aspiring film-maker got bashed... ik how that feels. I miss being able to write, or paint...

art used to be my main passion.

Perhaps brain scans may help- although it's known "roughly" what goes on with these symptoms-

i'm studying to be a neurologist so that I can target medication options

What have you tried so far?


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## Ernestia Ignis

have you had your consultation with the neurologist regarding meds michaelttheAnhedonic? what options did they give you?


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## blankxi

Hey, I was just wondering how your blank mind has been? Did it improve?


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## 35467

blankxi said:


> Hey, I was just wondering how your blank mind has been? Did it improve?


Look, at the profile of those who made the posts in this thread and you can see when they where active the last time. He who started the thread was active the last time in 2017. Very unlikely that you will get a reply.


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## Mattakriptic

Hello my brother!

Firstly how are you? I briefly read your thread & I'm sincerely sorry to hear your going through, I've had similar symptoms, not EXACTLY the same, but quite relatable in some aspects.

So with that being said, I literally just came across this video and I thought it MIGHT be helpful, I can't promise you that it'll work as I will literally begin these steps myself haha - 




With that being said, I think I read somewhere that you were a filmmaker? Would love to see some of your stuff my dude!

All the best man, hope to hear a response from you dude!

-Matt


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## Omy Jalen

Maxx said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry for the bleak title, especially in an introduction, but i'm gonna be completely honest i'm not sure if I can do this.
> 
> So i've been feeling really fucked recently (actually about the past 6 months but wasn't aware of it) and i'm 99% sure it's DP or either the onset of psychosis... I'll give an outline of the event's that I think have led to the way i've been feeling.
> 
> I began smoking weed occasionally when I was about 15 and experienced what I now think was depersonalisation. It went away when I stopped and others had experienced this as well so I thought it to be a normal side affect and assumed that would always be the case. I began smoking a lot more over the years and in the past year became a daily smoker, reaching 2 grams a day over the past months when I went to university. I noticed I was changing, becoming more lethargic and apathetic about everything, social incapable and felt as if I wasn't really thinking anymore but thought these were again a reversible side effect that would go away after stopping.
> 
> I've been clean about 6 weeks now and i'm really struggling because nothing is changing. I don't feel like I perceive the world in the same way as I did before smoking, I don't feel like I properly feel my emotions anymore and certainly don't ever feel joy. My ability to articulate myself and my memory is severely affected but the most difficult thing for me at the moment is a blank mind and the disappearance of my ability to have visual imagery from thoughts. (For example: When I shut my eyes to go to sleep there's just darkness. I don't have any thoughts and I feel completely empty). I do have the occasional thought but this is only really from external stimuli and they're usually related to a memory and don't end up becoming a train of thoughts. I feel like i'm fucking brain dead and that i'll never be able to think properly again. I can just stare into space not really focusing on anything or having any thoughts. All I can think about it how absent my mind is and the fact I don't think anything like anyone else. This really really upsets me as i'm an aspiring filmmaker with high hopes but since i've entered this phase I can't even think passivly, let alone have an imagination or be creative. I'm crying my eyes out writing this as I can't fathom how my brain will ever rewire itself to be able to think or have and imagination like I used to and that's really crushing me. I realise i'm only 6 weeks into my recovery from cannabis abuse and I can sometimes take months, if not years, but I can't seem to find anything about people in the same situation as me and their recovery stories. To make matters worse i've had tinnitus for about 2 years from over expose to noise which, in combination with the emptiness in my mind, makes it incredibly difficult to get to sleep.
> 
> I know it's a really awful thing to say but if i'm completely honest i'd rather die than live with my mind like this. I would really really appreciate some help on how I can sort myself out and get myself back on track. I know I can't change what's done but I would do anything to go back to the way I used to be and to be able to think properly (I'd literally give up a limb or two). Will I ever recover from having a blank mind?
> 
> Thank you in advance for any advice anyone has to offer it would be MASSIVELY appreciated.
> 
> Maxx


Hey Maxx, 
I'm not fully recovered but what helped me improve was that, I would try to distract the obsessive thoughts and pay no mind to it Like for example, if thoughts about me not being okay started to fill my mind, I'll replace it with "whatever".and the thought that, "what if I'm okay but my consciousness about Dr is what is making me feel worse by obsessing over it", so I would try to ignore the thoughts about it and do things as if I was okay. And if it became overwhelming, I would cry to let out every pain that it made me feel and then go back to what I had been doing and if it was really too much, I would just sleep. At times I would go talk to my young siblings who didn't know much about life and have a random conversation, they don't judge, matter of fact you feel comfortable with them.Or I would call or go talk to someone I'm comfortable with, not necessarily about my condition but anything I could.You're okay Maxx, it's just your thoughts obsessing over one thought that you can't be imaginative, you being able to type down text on this website and write about your situation and express yourself shows that you can recover. I believe you can, at one point I thought my situation was soo bad, I wouldn't handle it, but I did.With Love.


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