# Please....just give me some hope.... :( :(



## RockinCelery (Nov 13, 2010)

In the last few weeks I thought I was getting better, I was feeling positive and was on the verge of gettin to the "sheesh, what was I thinking?!" point. But then, last Saturday I got really upset out of nowhere, felt hopeless, couldn't believe how my life has turned out, was in a fit of crying and got very anxious. I went to bed and woke up in the middle of a SEVERE panic attack, that was the first one since the original, over four months apart. After that I started taking benzos and was doing pretty ok, odd bit of dp would sneak up on me. Then today, I was outside trying to forget my troubles, attempting to make a snowman and was suddenly hit with that i'm dreaming feeling. I can't believe this is happening to me, I'm fighting and fighting everyday and getting nowhere. What if it all is a dream and I am a crazy person in a mental hospital somewhere and this is all a delusion?! What if I just keep getting worse and worse and end up in a mental hospital?! I can't seem to accept that this is happening to me. I can't take this anymore, suicide is always on my mind these days and i'm being pushed closer and closer to the edge, I need some hope, I don't want to destroy my family by destroying myself but it seems to me that at this stage it's inevitable that I either lose my marbles and end up institionailized or kill myself. Please, someone just talk to me....


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## jd99034 (Dec 2, 2008)

RockinCelery said:


> In the last few weeks I thought I was getting better, I was feeling positive and was on the verge of gettin to the "sheesh, what was I thinking?!" point. But then, last Saturday I got really upset out of nowhere, felt hopeless, couldn't believe how my life has turned out, was in a fit of crying and got very anxious. I went to bed and woke up in the middle of a SEVERE panic attack, that was the first one since the original, over four months apart. After that I started taking benzos and was doing pretty ok, odd bit of dp would sneak up on me. Then today, I was outside trying to forget my troubles, attempting to make a snowman and was suddenly hit with that i'm dreaming feeling. I can't believe this is happening to me, I'm fighting and fighting everyday and getting nowhere. What if it all is a dream and I am a crazy person in a mental hospital somewhere and this is all a delusion?! What if I just keep getting worse and worse and end up in a mental hospital?! I can't seem to accept that this is happening to me. I can't take this anymore, suicide is always on my mind these days and i'm being pushed closer and closer to the edge, I need some hope, I don't want to destroy my family by destroying myself but it seems to me that at this stage it's inevitable that I either lose my marbles and end up institionailized or kill myself. Please, someone just talk to me....


I know it is hard right now but what helped me through rough times was to train myself not to worry about all the "what ifs." You are not losing your marbles. You will get better. Maybe some other people here can chime in who have recovered or at least had major improvements. I personally have, and there were times where I have felt the same way you are feeling right now. I know it is the worst feeling in the world.

The thing about delusion... is that if you were actually delusional, you probably wouldn't be wondering if you were delusional. Most people with massive delusions believe them completely, and don't even question their reality.

I have noticed how much fear feeds DP/DR. If you cut off the fear, it will go away. There are many ways to do this. Counseling/therapy is what worked the best for me, but also if it is absolutely intolerable, maybe consider asking a doctor for some temporary anti-anxiety medicine to help you through the rough patches.

And again, coming from someone who has been where you are (suicidal fears/thoughts) I am telling you 100% that it will always get better, and it may happen faster than you think.


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## Unreal (Jul 12, 2010)

There is hope. Go read my post on "Cured".


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## RockinCelery (Nov 13, 2010)

Unreal said:


> There is hope. Go read my post on "Cured".


I have prayed to God almost everyday since I got this horrible fear monster but to no avail. I think God has given up on me either because of my sexuality or because of my bad decisions in the past. But I keep desperatley praying just hoping that someone somewhere is listening and will give me some relief....but at the moment I see no hope.... I see no way out....the person I used to be is dead now and I have no one to blame but myself. Thank you both for your kind words, it has meant alot to me. I don't know how much longer I can live with this overwhelming fear in me, I just wish I could go away.


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## Unreal (Jul 12, 2010)

RockinCelery said:


> I have prayed to God almost everyday since I got this horrible fear monster but to no avail. I think God has given up on me either because of my sexuality or because of my bad decisions in the past. But I keep desperatley praying just hoping that someone somewhere is listening and will give me some relief....but at the moment I see no hope.... I see no way out....the person I used to be is dead now and I have no one to blame but myself. Thank you both for your kind words, it has meant alot to me. I don't know how much longer I can live with this overwhelming fear in me, I just wish I could go away.


Ok good keep praying. And no God hasnt given up on u i promise u that. He hears u and loves u no matter your sexuality or your past sins. The things that have been done in the past can be forgiven. Ask Him for forgiveness and give your life to Him. Jesus loves u very much and wants to help u. I'll pray for u hun. Please don't give up.


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

RockinCelery,

I can hear your pain and suffering through your writings. I hope you have a good support system at this time, that can help distract you during these tough times. Love and care from others around you is significant in your recovery. Don't feel like you're a burden to anyone {I'm not suggesting that you are), be honest about your symptoms with trusting individuals in your life. Seek support from your friends, family and social resources (professional help). I don't know your personality or condition, but it is not unusual for those with severe anxiety to repress their emotions/symptoms out of fear of showing weakness or lossing of control. Note: I am not a professional. I am merely providing some kind of support for you during this time.

Please stay strong, get distracted, read your favorite books, participate in your favorite hobbies. Ignore the "dread" of losing your "mind" or that something really bad is going to happen. Remember the good old days, what was different then? Journal, Journal, Journal, Journal, Journal. Doing something out of you character may help........I'm trying this so I can look forward to everyday. For example, I plan on taking time off from work to go on a vacation(this is out of character for me, since I'm a workaholic). Hopefully, this will help. Brainstorm ways to speed up recovery. Do what makes you feel better about life......

I recently went into a local used bookstore and picked up a book. _Going Crazy_ by Otto Friedrich. I'm half way through it. Reading the book has helped ease my anxiety of going "mad"..... you may enjoy reading it as well. Another suggested reading is the _Divided Self_. I also suffer from irrational fears of going "crazy" and severe anxiety along with DP/DR. Just keep telling yourself that you're not going mad and nothing bad is going to happen.

I hope you can find recovery soon. Best wishes to you.


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