# hello everybody



## melanie1205 (Feb 9, 2012)

Hi everyone out there,

my name is Melanie. I'm 28 and I'm from Munich, Germany and I'd like to apologize from the outset for my bad English. I hope you can connive at this. Unfortunately there is no site about this issue in Germany, Austria or Switzerland, that's why I write here because I am no longer able to get through this fucking hell for alone. 
I have never met someone who understands what I experience and I really feel to have to tell someone what I'm getting through before I totally go insane.

I've been suffering from this crap since I've been 11 or 12 or so. Then I somehow had high fever and from one moment to another everything was different and no longer how it was before. My life abruptly changed and I just did not realize the size about this and that nothing would ever be the same henceforward. It felt like someone knocked out the lights in my head and everything seemed to be so damn far away, I heared everything from a weird far distance, just as though you sence your environment just before you collapse. Even my body feeling had changend. I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger and sometimes I had to look in the mirror to assure myself that I'm really here. I suddenly panicked and I thought I had to kill myself because I really could not live on like this anymore. But, well, you know, you get used to everything if you are just forced to.
The panic attacks used to come more often, I got anxiety disorders and became depressive. I lost my interest in my hobbies, didn't care about going out with my friends anymore, lost my courage to face life, died somehow.

Meanwhile I cannot even go out to the nature anymore, because everything is so painful far away, because I am not able to SEE it like in the past when I was a child. Everything around me is just as real as a movie or a picture, it's two-dimensional and everything inside me is dead, numb, empty. It hurts so much. There could even die someone next to me and I think I wouldn't care. It's a permanent state like being stoned all the time and it never changes whatever I do.
The only thing that makes me live on is my family - I just don't want to do it to them to find me somewhere dead. Even if I don't have a life any longer - these persons do have and I do not want to destroy even their's. 
I really do not know for how long I can go on like this... It feels like my soul died long time ago but my body's still alive. It lives in a different reality that has nothing to do with the world I once knowed.


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## Joshu (Nov 10, 2011)

What you describe is very familier - welcome to the site.

I did want to point out there is a link to someone in Germany in the links section - don't know if it is active or not.

J


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## melanie1205 (Feb 9, 2012)

Thank you so much. Are there any meds that could help? Or anything else like sports, therapy, meditation?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

melanie1205 said:


> Hi everyone out there,
> 
> my name is Melanie. I'm 28 and I'm from Munich, Germany and I'd like to apologize from the outset for my bad English. I hope you can connive at this. Unfortunately there is no site about this issue in Germany, Austria or Switzerland, that's why I write here because I am no longer able to get through this fucking hell for alone.
> I have never met someone who understands what I experience and I really feel to have to tell someone what I'm getting through before I totally go insane.
> ...


Melanie,

I all too well fully understand everything that you are writing here. These are the same demons I face every single day. I've now only had it for 2 years, so my suffering has not been anything compared to yours, but we are all fighting the same battle!

As for meds or therapies, they are still in the research process. There are two meds out there that have been studied on about 10 years ago with some promising results and the name is: Naltrexone (the pill form) or Nalaxone (intravenous IV form). Also, a combination of an SSRI (antidepressant) + Lamotrigine (Lamictal) has been also shown to have some promising results in a certain population of DP as well.

Therapies- CBT, DBT, ACT....

Look on Amazon and try to find and order a book called "Overcoming Depersonalization DIsorder'' by Fugen Neziroglu. It's an easy to read, therapeutic guide that presents to you different approaches/skills on how to live a better life with DP. I'd highly recommend it.

Good luck!


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## melanie1205 (Feb 9, 2012)

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I'm currently in dbt but the skills don't really help. Maybe it will take some time until the therapy works I don't know.

I've already tried out the nalaxone but I felt nothing but annyoing side effects. At present I take prozac what at least brightens up my mood a bit and a small dose of seroquel because I always worry the DP/ DR could be the prodromal phase of a schizophrenia. At least that's much better than in the past when I was firmly convinced I had a cerebral tumor or an aneurysm in my brain that's about to burst.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll look it up. I've already read a German book about DP that's called "Das Gefühl ein No-Body zu sein" ("the feeling of being a no-body") by Berit Lukas which is not very encouraging at all concerning the prognosis, the medical or therapeutic possibilties.

I think I will ask my doctor next time about the lamotrigine and try it out. And I won't stop fighting. Particularely now that I've found someone who understands me. I'll write my experience down here and just want to say thank you - I'm so grateful for having found this website!


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## Jormungandr (Jan 8, 2012)

My my, no need for any apologies, your english is absolutely splendid, just flawless. I just want to stress that there are more people from germany, like me for example









I also lost my interest in nearly anything which is utterly sad. I can totally relate to that. And i can also relate to that fever feeling of yours. In fact, dp-dr is like having a flu for me. I even got real fever at the beginning of my journey. 
i just have it for 3 years now.

wishes of well being to you und denk daran, nicht so viel hier rumzuhängen. das board hier ist doch recht negativ eingestellt, da viele leute nur rumjammern, dass sie es schon seit 10, 20, 30 Jahren haben









greetings from germanys most beautiful town,
Heidelberg


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## melanie1205 (Feb 9, 2012)

Hello to Heidelberg! Great to find someone here from Germany that makes me feel much less lonely







Yes it's really exhausting dealing with this horrible states. And thank you for the compliment









Danke übrigens für den Tipp, musste das erste Mal, als ich mich in dieses Forum einlas, auch feststellen, dass es mich wieder in meine altvertraute Selbstmordstimmung versetzt hat. Daher werde ich das alles mit Vorsicht genießen und mir die Threads rausziehen, die wirklich hilfreich sind.

What is helpful for you? Have you already found out some skills that might help? I think the main thing to recovery is to accept that you are DP/ DR'ed and just stop fighting against it because that even seems to make much more depressive. But it is not easy, however.

I've ordered the book on amazon insaticiable recommended. It seems to be quite helpful. And I'll take the lamotrigine that's for sure.

Well greetings from beautiful bavaria!


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## Jormungandr (Jan 8, 2012)

I think my top advice to any DP-DR sufferer is to divert your thoughts as good as possible. I know the lingering feeling of impending doom, derealization, is very tormenting when experienced once in life. I spent much time on the thought if i will ever be able to forget my dr because at my worst times i spent 14 hours of sleeping, felt like ive taking LSD, was simply braindead and all my friends were asking whats wrong with you, which was very traumatic. I couldnt believe that this was caused by fear for everything felt so very real, the headaches, the fatigue, my dizziness.

Well in the end DP-DR is naught but wrong thought patterns, fear as a part of our very character, which is the worst thing you could ever imagine. i think in our education went something pretty wrong. not on purpose for sure, but we took the fear of "life" way to serious and made this a part of our self.

do what you want to do, dont be dependant on anybody. keep to good friends, stay close to people you like. if you fear socializing, then force yourself a bit. humans are meant to stick together. dont supress your need for love and sexuality. dp-dr proves that you are very intelligent, people who are simplier in their nature won´t have the problem to dissociate. they live in the here and now, which is worth admiring. i try be simplier in my nature too and i stopped the deep thinking because it is just stealing ressources. take a little drink with your friends and dont worry about the next day.

guess this is what my dp dr taught me.
oh and my advice for you is to not read too many books on such serious things as dissociation. better do a little workout or take care of your pets.


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## melanie1205 (Feb 9, 2012)

I know what you mean concerning education. I share the same opinion. My father always taught me that what I felt was wrong. 
When I was crying he always used to say: "Why are you crying again? There is no reason for crying so please stop." But now as a grownup I am able to understand the child I had been, because there was indeed a reason for my sadness. When I was 9 I had to watch my mother having a stroke and ofter her head surgery she wasn't the same again. She was like a stranger to me and no longer the mother I had known. Since then I had to face my life alone there was noone who comforted me or took me in his arms by saying "Everything will be ok again." I early learned that my feelings and impressions about the world outside weren't real so I started to distrust everything I felt and experienced.

Currently I go to a day hospital in order to improve my dbt-skills. There they are just trying out a new med called Orap (an old neuroleptic that is fairly unknown nowadays) what makes me really nervous and I am unable to sit still. Even focusing seems to be impossible. And I take the lamogtrigine but in a yet low dose about 100 mg that apperently can't work already. You can't imagine how tired I am trying out so many meds without any satisfying effect. For 10 years I have been trying out so many pills and really don't know for how long I can continue like this. I really feel like a guinea pig.









Why isn't there any doctor who really can help me at least rudimentally? I'm so sick and tired currently.









Mel


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

melanie1205 said:


> I know what you mean concerning education. I share the same opinion. My father always taught me that what I felt was wrong.
> When I was crying he always used to say: "Why are you crying again? There is no reason for crying so please stop." But now as a grownup I am able to understand the child I had been, because there was indeed a reason for my sadness. When I was 9 I had to watch my mother having a stroke and ofter her head surgery she wasn't the same again. She was like a stranger to me and no longer the mother I had known. Since then I had to face my life alone there was noone who comforted me or took me in his arms by saying "Everything will be ok again." I early learned that my feelings and impressions about the world outside weren't real so I started to distrust everything I felt and experienced.
> 
> Currently I go to a day hospital in order to improve my dbt-skills. There they are just trying out a new med called Orap (an old neuroleptic that is fairly unknown nowadays) what makes me really nervous and I am unable to sit still. Even focusing seems to be impossible. And I take the lamogtrigine but in a yet low dose about 100 mg that apperently can't work already. You can't imagine how tired I am trying out so many meds without any satisfying effect. For 10 years I have been trying out so many pills and really don't know for how long I can continue like this. I really feel like a guinea pig.
> ...


Melanie,

Just wondering if you have found the mindfulness dbt skill to be helpful in alleviating any of your DP symptoms? Thanks.


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## melanie1205 (Feb 9, 2012)

DBT skills might help in situations of high stress to avoid dissociating but explicitely against DP I haven't found anything yet. There are some few skills that better the feeling of numbness like extreme sports, music or literature that might touch my soul. That sometimes helps me to feel alive in some way.

But I always have to assert, that words aren't enough to explain the doctors what I experience. They just use to put me in the category borderline personality to explain my states of numbness and bodylessness. But they just do not understand that this is a permanent state that never goes by what is really different when you suffer from borderline.

I've recently read a good quotation from Kafka:
_"Everything is an illusion, family, the office, friends, the road, farer or closer, the partner 's a closer one. The only truth is that you are pushing your face against the wall of a door- and windowless prison cell."_
(hopefully translated correctly...







)


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

melanie1205 said:


> They just use to put me in the category borderline personality to explain my states of numbness and bodylessness.


This doesn't really make much sense because Borderline Personality DIsorder is quite the opposite of 'numbness' and 'bodylessness.' BPD has to do with high intense emotions and difficulty regulating them. Actually...dissociation CAN be a symptom of BPD, but I find it rather odd that you were categorized as borderline because of your numbness/DP. Hmm...


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