# How I got out of Existential OCD + DP/DR (Solipsism)



## youllbeokay (Dec 13, 2018)

Hi!

So I am a 20 year old female, and I recently started having existential thoughts + DP/DR last month.

I remember what triggered it, I was watching a video of WWYD (The TV show) and in it, they discussed the amount of people in America with alzheimers and how serious of an issue it is. I started having an existential crisis about life and living in and of itself. What if everyone around me, including my friends and family, are a figment of my imagination? I told my boyfriend I was having these thoughts and he jokingly replied with "WAKE UP!!" I told him to shut up, laughed, and didn't think about these things for a whole two weeks.

Until I had edibles, putting me into a full fledged panic attack. Oops.

I had edibles in the past, but these ones were so strong that they hit in 30 minutes. I wasn't used to them hitting me this quickly, so I did not think I was high, rather that I was going insane.

My family and boyfriend started to zoom out of my view. Their voices became echoed, muffled. I felt like an actor on stage and my family/bf was the audience. I started thinking about the existential thoughts I had earlier in the month about if life could possibly be one big dream. As I was having these thoughts, everybody at the table turned to stare at me.

I freaked out.

I then jumped out of my chair and walked laps around my house. My vision was blurry, my family suddenly looked unfamiliar, and my heart was racing. I was convinced that I was going to die (?) but how did I know I wasnt already dead?

With the help of my family and boyfriend, I managed to calm down. The good high kicked in about an hour and a bit later, and I continued to go downstairs to play GTA5 and laugh my butt off stuck to the couch.

The next morning, however, was awful.

I still felt a bit high, most likely because I probably still was a little bit. My anxiety was at an all time high, and I knew I couldn't be on my own, so I decided to stay the night with my boyfriend.

On the drive to his place, these thoughts were still in my head. "What if this is all fake?" "What if i'm dreaming this?" "I know i'm not high anymore, but whos to say my whole life hasn't been one big lie?"

As I was wondering what my boyfriend thought about all of this, he placed his hand on my thigh.

Now any normal person would brush this off as, "He can see that I'm worried and wants to console me" but my mind IMMEDIATELY went to "He's doing this because he knows that I'm unstable. I'm in a dream."

This is when little everyday coincidences became triggers for me.

If I saw the same post twice on instagram, I would get anxiety. If I was looking at a meme on twitter and my sister came up to me later and showed me the same one, I would get anxiety. If I was listening to a song, and saw a word on my phone that was in the song, I would get anxiety.

This is when my DP/DR started to kick in. Luckily, I don't have some of the terrifying physical effects people see, like blurry vision, hallucinations, things being more 2-D or 3-D. I was however sensitive to light, and everything just looked unfamiliar. When I looked at my mom, I knew she was my mother, thats obvious. But something about her seemed unfamiliar, and it terrified the shit out of me. I couldn't look in the mirror because I didn't recognize myself. Looking down at my hands and chest gave me severe anxiety. The thought of "I am me. I am a consious being." was so scary. The thought of only being able to experience my consiousness and not being able to prove that other people saw and felt like me made me sick to my stomach.

One thing to note, is that I have had OCD and anxiety, like, my whole life. I've always had little compulsions and tics, and just when my mother thought they were gone, they began to be replaced with new ones (yay!). So a part of me knew this was normal. It was OCD in another form. But this time, it was mental.

Anywho, after being plagued with these existential thoughts for little over a month now, I thought I would tell you guys how I am recovering (Because I know for a fact I'm getting better).

The first thing I tried doing was denying these thoughts. I kept telling myself "There's no way that life could be a dream! That's impossible!" But you need to learn to *ACCEPT *these thoughts. I promise, after you accept thoughts like this, it will get better. Matter of fact, life feels and becomes more real when you learn to be comfortable with uncertainty. OCD feeds off of wanting answers to questions that humans do not know and will probably never know. So I learned to be okay with them. "Yeah, theres a possibility that life may be one big dream. But other people on the internet have this worry too, so I'm not alone". The fact that you are looking at this post right now, seeking validation and comfort, MEANS you know deep down that others have a consiousness and are real. Reality is based on human connection and empathy, so unless you don't have love for other people I highly doubt you believe that life is one big dream.

Here are some logical points to denounce solipsism that might hopefully help you:


Dreams are defined as something that doesn't last forever. They also happen to *feel *real, but we know deep down that they arent. So the fact that you'd believe life is a dream doesnt make much sense because the definition of a dream does not match reality.
The theory of solipsism was created to try and understand reality and the things around us. It was developed by a famous philosopher back in the 1600's, so people have been having these thoughts for centuries.
When you feel bad for someone, or cry because of a sad event, that proves indistinguishably that you are connected with that of the world around you. That denounces the idea of solipsism.
Our knowledge on things is very limited. I can't do math for shit, and I find physics and history to be difficult and boring as all hell, so how can I believe that I made up this entire world with my mind?
If this was true and your whole world was a figment of your imagination, you could imagine a flying cat and it would appear, in reality, right in front of you. But it doesnt.

Hopefully this helps a bit. As long as you're aware that it makes more sense to believe that reality is what it is, and not a figment of your imagination, you're not going insane. You most likely just happen to have bad anxiety and OCD. I am currently on Lexapro 10mg, so when it kicks in (which should be about approx. 8 days from now) hopefully it will make a lot of my anxieties in daily life go away.

LADIES!! Birth control also greatly effects your mood and your anxiety. So if you're six months into your birth control and it's finally adjusted into your system, that could be a big reason why. Going off of your bcp can also increase your anxiety. *Any *fluctuation in hormone levels messes with the chemicals in your brain. Same with guys, when your testosterone levels are off it can greatly effect your mind.

- Meditation helped me a ton. Downloading headspace helped clear my mind when it wouldn't shut up.

- Time is another for sure cure. The more you fall asleep and wake up everyday, the more you start to come into touch with reality.

- I know people say this and it probably makes you groan and roll your eyes, but getting back into your daily activities is *extremely* important. Doing this is a part of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), which greatly helps your anxiety and OCD.

So to conclude,

Human life is full of unknown questions and possibilities. Could your life be a dream? Maybe. Could it be a simulation? Who knows. Could it be real and physical like science has taught us? Sure.

But as long as theres a will deep down to keep living, that is what matters. Try to focus on goals you want to acheive. Food you want to eat. People you want to meet. If life on the very small chance happened to be one big dream, make it your bitch.

Only then, in my opinion, will you be able to accept things at face value and snap back to reality as we all know it to be.

Best of luck to all of you going through this. You are strong. You are loved. And most importantly, you WILL get out of this.

I'll be crossing my fingers for all of you <3

Lots of love


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## Grindelwald (Jul 22, 2017)

Thanks for posting. Not a lady, but I can offer advice based on my own experiences.

Acceptance is the key. I smoked weed a lot in the past. I had a really bad panic attack one day while high. I put it behind me and continued to smoke. Weed wasn't ever quite the same after that, but never got DP from it. One day, couple months later, I was drunk out of my mind and high to boot, ended up in the ER, after I came to I was DPed. DPed pretty bad at first, but recovered 100% in about a month's time. Thought it would be safe to smoke again. WRONG! Got DP again and lasted well over a year the second time. But recovered again. I know if I smoke weed again I'll probably be DPed forever as a result. Do not ever think that you're 100% recovered. Because you're not. You'll never be able to smoke weed again. Or eat edibles. I never had a quality edible. Guess I should be thankful for that. From what I hear they're way more potent than just smoking. So absolutely avoid at all costs.

As for solipsism, fuck that. I've been thought it. Never thought I was imagining everything, but what did bug me was the thought that everyone else could be a "philosophical zombie" (google it) or that life was somehow a trick that wasn't what appeared to be, and that reality was some sort of illusory cycle that would gradually move toward my earliest memory without me realizing it. That sounds insane, but for some reason it made too much sense internally when I was DPed. Sounds ludicrous now.

During the last days of my DP, I kind of "connected" with the world again. Don't know if others experienced anything similar, but from my perspective, you're never truly cured from DP until you "fall in love" with the world again. I know the world sucks right now, but that's not really what I mean. Go out and experience the beauty of the universe. Once you're questioning if there's an afterlife, and hoping that there is, you're almost home free.


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## youllbeokay (Dec 13, 2018)

Grindelwald said:


> Thanks for posting. Not a lady, but I can offer advice based on my own experiences.
> 
> Acceptance is the key. I smoked weed a lot in the past. I had a really bad panic attack one day while high. I put it behind me and continued to smoke. Weed wasn't ever quite the same after that, but never got DP from it. One day, couple months later, I was drunk out of my mind and high to boot, ended up in the ER, after I came to I was DPed. DPed pretty bad at first, but recovered 100% in about a month's time. Thought it would be safe to smoke again. WRONG! Got DP again and lasted well over a year the second time. But recovered again. I know if I smoke weed again I'll probably be DPed forever as a result. Do not ever think that you're 100% recovered. Because you're not. You'll never be able to smoke weed again. Or eat edibles. I never had a quality edible. Guess I should be thankful for that. From what I hear they're way more potent than just smoking. So absolutely avoid at all costs.
> 
> ...


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## youllbeokay (Dec 13, 2018)

Hi, thank you for sharing!

Yeah, weed is definitely the catalyst when it comes to deep thinkers with OCD and anxiety. I'm definitely not going to do it for a long time. After that horrible trip I had it made me feel so disconnected, terrified the absolute crap out of me. I'm glad that you're feeling better! It makes me happy to see people working their way out of this. I'm already starting to get used to the real world again. I'm in the "inbeteeen phase" right now, where I'm not fully cured, but definitely getting there. Like, for example I still look at my hands and it freaks me out a little. I've accepted that I might have a relapse, and I've accepted that it will take time to get over. As for the solipsism thought, it's becoming a lot less of a concern. Now when I have these questions and worries I go, "That doesn't make any sense. Could it be possible? Maybe, but I highly doubt it." Unfortunately it's put me into another bout of existential questions such as "Why do WE exist instead of why do I exist?" "What is our purpose on this planet?" "What if life goes by too fast I don't want to die" blah blah blah, but I've had those thoughts before and they don't last long. I'm actually glad I'm having these thoughts instead, because it means I'm getting better . The world truly is beautiful, scary and mysterious. You should check out this video on YouTube called "Drunk anime girl has an existential crisis in VR chat". It sounds absolutely ridiculous and dumb, but the videos actually very beautiful and puts a happy perspective on life and why we're here, even made me cry a little. :') As for you, I wish you the best of luck and I'm happy you're out of the worst of it. Was weed an escape thing for you, or was it something to treat your anxiety? Why did you smoke it? For me I liked it because it treated my anxiety and made me not care, until I had a panic attack on weed of course (LOL). Also, I have seen some posts about "philosophical zombies", but from one anxious person to another, I'm not going to read stuff on it and entertain that thought. Don't wanna be in risk of making my anxiety worse ????????. Matter of fact, philosophy has both helped me out of my anxiety and made it worse. Depends on the theories. If they're dreary and miserable and lonely, I like to think about those ones less ???? Anyway, hope to hear from you soon ????


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## Grindelwald (Jul 22, 2017)

youllbeokay said:


> Hi, thank you for sharing!
> 
> Yeah, weed is definitely the catalyst when it comes to deep thinkers with OCD and anxiety. *I'm definitely not going to do it for a long time.* After that horrible trip I had it made me feel so disconnected, terrified the absolute crap out of me. I'm glad that you're feeling better! It makes me happy to see people working their way out of this. I'm already starting to get used to the real world again. I'm in the "inbeteeen phase" right now, where I'm not fully cured, but definitely getting there. Like, for example I still look at my hands and it freaks me out a little. I've accepted that I might have a relapse, and I've accepted that it will take time to get over. As for the solipsism thought, it's becoming a lot less of a concern. Now when I have these questions and worries I go, "That doesn't make any sense. Could it be possible? Maybe, but I highly doubt it." Unfortunately it's put me into another bout of existential questions such as "Why do WE exist instead of why do I exist?" "What is our purpose on this planet?" "What if life goes by too fast I don't want to die" blah blah blah, but I've had those thoughts before and they don't last long. I'm actually glad I'm having these thoughts instead, because it means I'm getting better
> 
> ...


By "a long time" I hope you mean never. Unless you want a relapse. It sucks, but it's a hard truth.


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## Grindelwald (Jul 22, 2017)

youllbeokay said:


> Hi, thank you for sharing!
> 
> Yeah, weed is definitely the catalyst when it comes to deep thinkers with OCD and anxiety. I'm definitely not going to do it for a long time. After that horrible trip I had it made me feel so disconnected, terrified the absolute crap out of me. I'm glad that you're feeling better! It makes me happy to see people working their way out of this. I'm already starting to get used to the real world again. I'm in the "inbeteeen phase" right now, where I'm not fully cured, but definitely getting there. Like, for example I still look at my hands and it freaks me out a little. I've accepted that I might have a relapse, and I've accepted that it will take time to get over. As for the solipsism thought, it's becoming a lot less of a concern. Now when I have these questions and worries I go, "That doesn't make any sense. Could it be possible? Maybe, but I highly doubt it." *Unfortunately it's put me into another bout of existential questions such as "Why do WE exist instead of why do I exist?" "What is our purpose on this planet?" "What if life goes by too fast I don't want to die" *blah blah blah, but I've had those thoughts before and they don't last long. I'm actually glad I'm having these thoughts instead, because it means I'm getting better
> 
> ...


This is literally the same thing to what I experienced in my last week or so DPed.


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## Grindelwald (Jul 22, 2017)

youllbeokay said:


> Hi, thank you for sharing!
> 
> Yeah, weed is definitely the catalyst when it comes to deep thinkers with OCD and anxiety. I'm definitely not going to do it for a long time. After that horrible trip I had it made me feel so disconnected, terrified the absolute crap out of me. I'm glad that you're feeling better! It makes me happy to see people working their way out of this. I'm already starting to get used to the real world again. I'm in the "inbeteeen phase" right now, where I'm not fully cured, but definitely getting there. Like, for example I still look at my hands and it freaks me out a little. I've accepted that I might have a relapse, and I've accepted that it will take time to get over. As for the solipsism thought, it's becoming a lot less of a concern. Now when I have these questions and worries I go, "That doesn't make any sense. Could it be possible? Maybe, but I highly doubt it." Unfortunately it's put me into another bout of existential questions such as "Why do WE exist instead of why do I exist?" "What is our purpose on this planet?" "What if life goes by too fast I don't want to die" blah blah blah, but I've had those thoughts before and they don't last long. I'm actually glad I'm having these thoughts instead, because it means I'm getting better
> 
> ...


I smoked it because my friends smoked it.

As an aside to your "philosophical zombie" comment, this really was what tripped me out, especially when you realize that naive realism isn't the "true" reality. Telling you this may or may not help (probably not), but I assure you that I am NOT a philosophical zombie, I have thoughts and images in my head same as everyone else. They're honestly not that scary and don't make much sense, it's just a thought experiment.


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