# Former sufferers story... here to help in any way



## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

Hi guys,

I have been a member of this site since 2009. I joined when i was smack bang in the middle of a crippling DP period in my life. I was around 27 or 28 when i joined yet had truly suffered from DP/panic attacks/depression/anxiety which began in my teens and progressed as i experienced significant traumatic events. I literally could not leave the house when i was going thru this terrible affliction and my mother who has a degree and was working in a very important job had to quit to take care of me as i really was disabled by this. Ive traced my first ever post on this site and id like you all to read it as i really hope it will show everyone just how low and lost you can be yet STILL make it thru. Please read the following...

''I look but i do not see,
I listen but i do not hear,
I touch but i do not feel.

Im a 28 year old male and have been suffering from anxiety/depression/derealisation/depersonalisation since i was 16 or 17. Before i tell my story im going to give a list of my thoughts,feelings, questions and fears for you all to read and im sure some, if not most of you, will relate... hopefully.

My number one, constant, every single day, never ending fear is that i am not in control of my breathing. This is the most horrible, frightening, debilatating feeling ever. I dont feel as if im real so how can i be in control? (Even writing that gave me chills)
Constant fear of death. 
Constant feeling of impending doom.
Constant worry about life.

Who am i ? What am i ? Where am i ? Is this happening for a reason? Am i being punished? Am i possessed? Am i schizoprenic, bi-polar, uni-polar, psychotic, etc? 
Am i dead? Am i being controlled by a higher force? Is my brain rotting? Do i have cancer, alzheimers, parkinsons etc? Is medication helping or hindering me? Is this my destiny? Will i die today? Will i go crazy and kill innocent people? Will something come over me as i drive over a bridge and make me jump? Will i commit suicide? Will i die in my sleep? Will i stop breathing? Is there a way out? What if there's not? Will i fall asleep and wake up a different person? Will i ever feel normal again?

I sometimes feel i cant cross a road or walk into large open spaces in case i be lifted right up into the sky.
When tired or on waking, and i look at a completely random object (curtains, clothes for example) due to the shadows i see angry, hurt facial shapes.
I cant drive anymore.
I cant train in sports which i love doing.
I hate being left alone.
When the phone goes in the morning i instantly think it is someone informing me that a loved one is dead.

My life is consumed with worry about my condition, how i got to this stage, why it is happening to me, and is there ever going to be a way out. Will i ever have a life again?

A brief story of me is i was always an anxious child. Never had a father but had a loving mother. Grew up wanting for nothing. Was verbally bullied at school and had no confidence, self esteem or drive. Left school and started drinking alcohol and tried a little cannabis. At approx 16 or 17 years old i had my first DP experience. I was unemployed and in my bedroom one morning playing a snooker game on my computer, i suddenly began to feel this slight feeling of 'weirdness' and slight panicky feeling. I called my aunt who lived just round the corner and had to go round there to lie down. It was weird! After a few weeks of feeling 'weird' my mother took me to the docs where i was told i had depression. I was given pills and sent on my way. A few weeks later i was lying in my bed one night at around 7pm and was really feeling out of it. I jumped up and said to my mum ''where am i'' and she promptly raced me up to hospital. I remember saying in the car to my mother and aunt who was with us ''i dont want to die''. The doctors told me id had a panic attack and said there was nothing they could do and that id need to seek help. Nice eh?

A year or two after this i met my father for the first time which was a very huge event for me psychologically, possibly traumatic in the sense that i was not ready for the major reality of this meeting. I remember the first moment i saw him my eyes darted from side to side and my head felt 'fuzzy'. A few years later i was stabbed in the chest and was extremely lucky to have survived this attack. A year to the day later my father whom id only met a few years before, died of a heart attack. Meanwhile i was involved in an extremely stressful relationship and stress, anxiety, depression was almost an everyday subject. I can remember having my first full blown panic attack at this time. I was in my girlfriends house and suddenly felt like i couldnt breathe and wasnt in control, i fell to my knees and clung on to the bed, she just said ''you'll need to try and get thru it''. But also at this time i was drinking alcohol and taking various drugs such as cannabis, cocaine and ecstacy, not to mention anti depressants. And i began to notice that id almost certainly have a panic attack after every night out where alcohol and some drug use was involved.

I began to realise i couldnt do this anymore and 3 years ago i stopped drinking as well as taking any drugs (although i hadnt ever really taken any drugs on a serious level) as i was very frightened at the feelings that came with it. Thru the past 3 years i have noticed myself getting lower and becoming more derealised and depersonalised. I got into shape and became very fit but then started noticing at the gym when id get out of breath that id feel panicky. Also this horrible feeling of not being in control of my breathing had been growing and growing and it was now starting to rule my life. There were certain days which i can remember and on each of those days i thought to myself ''ive not felt that low before... shit this is getting worse''. Has anyone ever had a panic attack while feeling extremely derealised? I had one about 8 weeks ago and funnily enough it was on the day of my meeting with an nhs psychiatrist. You'd think after 3 years of no alcohol, no drugs etc my brain would have healed but it seems to be getting worse. Im having so much trouble with sleeping and wake up almost every time not knowing who i am or where i am! This is very frightening and surely a sign of something not right! I am on continuous auto pilot and fear what the next stage is for me because its been a case of getting worse and worse over the years. I dont feel like im gonna make it thru this''

So that was my first ever post. Im sure most of you will relate to some things i said. But the reason i wanted you all to read that was because after all that suffering and lack of hope i have now pulled thru and feel much better, and i want you all to know that if i can get thru this then you can too. There is never a simple answer as to why people get thru this affliction but here are some things i did to at least help myself...

I got help. I went to my doctor and eventually got to speak to an nhs psychiatrist and CBT counsellor. I had tried psychiatrists, psychologists, and CBT before privately and felt it was all a load of shit and this 'psycho babble stuff' will just never ever ever ever work for me. I felt so doomed. And even when i was sitting with my CBT counsellor i remember thinking 'here we go again this just isnt working'. But somehow it did. I dont know if it was down to timing, the therapists themselves, or what i think is more probable - i was doing other POSITIVE things in my life to help me.

I began weight training regularly at my gym where not long before i completely stopped going because i felt so panicky and so vulnerable. I had trained for years but around this time i was so low that i could barely leave my house. I remember my first night back in the gym and wanting to run out the door, but i just dug deep inside myself and fought back those horrible feelings and continued. And when i left i remember thinking 'i made it' ! The psychological boost i got from that alone was a huge help. I had simply proven my fears wrong. And this is so important. Subconsciously i now knew i could do it. And i kept going and going and began to get into great shape again which led to added confidence and self esteem... again more positivity.

I also was very needy relationship-wise. I felt very lonely and worthless if i wasnt with a partner. This had dragged me down for years but again as my confidence and self esteem was growing due to taking control and helping myself i decided to be on my own and focus everything into healing myself 100 percent. Again being positive.

In a nutshell i very very slowly began addressing everything that was making me depressed. Small things like making sure my clothes were washed, dishes clean, being more organised in general. And as i did this i gradually felt a little better. And as i felt a little better i got a little stronger! Can you see the pattern here? It was the exact opposite of what i was doing before, where not taking control and having no self esteem was making me weaker. And DP is in itself a condition that numbs the reality due to too much stress on the brain. So it makes sense to de-stress as much as possible. I simply cannot emphasise how important it is to rid your life of anything negative. Alcohol, drugs, smoking, bad diet, bad friends, an unloving partner, depressing job etc etc etc are just a few things that have a huge impact on our happiness, yet because they are considered part of every day life people cant see that removing these 'normal' things can have a tremendous benefit to their lives. Anything that can damage a persons confidence and self esteem must go. The effect positivity has on the brain is a truly life saving thing believe me...

I have to run right now but i just felt compelled to come back on here and show everyone its possible to beat this... i would love to hear from anyone who has comments or questions and i hope i can help in any way, many thanks


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

> A few years later i was stabbed in the chest and was extremely lucky to have survived this attack. A year to the day later my father whom id only met a few years before, died of a heart attack.


That's crazy.


----------



## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

Yeah it was a very dark time my friend, very confusing and extremely damaging, i didnt understand what the hell was going on. Now i see that events like these truly did have a major effect on my already fragile mental state. The stabbing came when i tried to stop a bar fight. The blade of the knife hit my sternum in the centre of my chest, if it went 1cm left or right chances are i wouldnt be here. While i was in the hospital about 30 mins after the attack i asked the doctor if i was going to die, he replied ''i hope not''. The fear that ran thru my body in that moment is something that you can only feel when faced with your own mortality, and i hope no one experiences that.

The reason i came back on here is because i completely understand what people are going thru with DP, depression etc, because they are all linked, they are all inter-twined, i can see that people have varying degress of DP, mines was extreme and thats why i feel like i want to help because when i see my post from years ago i remember the desperation i felt and just wanted help from anyone or anything, so if there's anyone out there who feels like i did i just want them to know there is someone willing to help and show how recoveries do happen..


----------



## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

@teambreezy - you may enjoy your little ill humoured attempt at belittling this affliction, but mark my words, be very careful what you mock !


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

sbm81 said:


> Yeah it was a very dark time my friend, very confusing and extremely damaging, i didnt understand what the hell was going on. Now i see that events like these truly did have a major effect on my already fragile mental state. The stabbing came when i tried to stop a bar fight. The blade of the knife hit my sternum in the centre of my chest, if it went 1cm left or right chances are i wouldnt be here. While i was in the hospital about 30 mins after the attack i asked the doctor if i was going to die, he replied ''i hope not''. The fear that ran thru my body in that moment is something that you can only feel when faced with your own mortality, and i hope no one experiences that.
> 
> The reason i came back on here is because i completely understand what people are going thru with DP, depression etc, because they are all linked, they are all inter-twined, i can see that people have varying degress of DP, mines was extreme and thats why i feel like i want to help because when i see my post from years ago i remember the desperation i felt and just wanted help from anyone or anything, so if there's anyone out there who feels like i did i just want them to know there is someone willing to help and show how recoveries do happen..


I never understand people who knowingly and willingly would do something like that knowing the penalty. Especially in your situation when you weren't even the main target. Did they get the guy? Not such a great response from the doctor either.


----------



## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

Do you mean you dont understand why i tried to stop the fight? Or you dont understand how someone could stab another person? If its the former, i didnt know the guy had a knife, and if its the latter then i dont know either. They got him yes and he got a 3 year sentence. 3 years for nearly killing someone. No wonder these people dont care about prison time. But thats another matter. Im just sharing my story in the hope it can help people see they can beat this horrible affliction if they just keep going.


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I mean the latter, I don't understand how someone could stab an innocent person especially in a public setting knowing they will get locked up for a long time. I mean if someone did something awful like raped of killed someone then I could understand stabbing them but to stab someone in the chest for trying to break up a fight?... that's ridiculous. Glad you lived and are well mentally, I enjoyed reading your story.


----------



## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

Thank you, i appreciate that. I agree, i dont understand what drives a person to act in such a mindlessly violent way. People say ''they are mentally ill'', but they arent. They know exactly what their actions cause and they simply do not care, they are full of hate for whatever life they have had and take it out on innocent members of society. The ones who are truly mentally ill are in the vast minority. Most people are just plain angry and hateful in the 21st century. Rising above it and transcending oneself to another level mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually will bring happiness i truly believe it. Hope ive been of some help.


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

That's crazy that he only got 3 years, what the heck?


----------



## sbm81 (Nov 20, 2009)

I live in the UK, the law here is an utter joke and the vast majority of the public agree. I'm not bitter in any way about my situation, i read about people being stabbed and killed, and the person found guilty gets 8-10 years ! They are out in 6 or 7 years ! Meanwhile they learn how to be a career criminal in prison, come out full of more hate and have more knowledge on how to become a better criminal. Meanwhile the victims family are still picking up the pieces. Societies are in decay. Sorry to sound so negative, but it's true. The rich getting richer while the poor are truly dying. It's all wrong.


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Yeah I've heard that about the UK... i watched this documentary which you may find interesting. I couldn't believe they let the girl in red out THE NEXT MORNING...


----------



## rnina123 (Mar 16, 2013)

Reading it made feel a little better,i can relate to some of the stuff u had said but u think everybody can recover?did ever think u wer truly not real?


----------



## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Yeah I've heard that about the UK... i watched this documentary which you may find interesting. I couldn't believe they let the girl in red out THE NEXT MORNING...


Thats typical man, the justice system in this country is a fucking joke. Theres not enough space in prisons... appparently.. so people are let off for major offences, then pedophiles get less time than manslaughter cases. If you are an immigrant your sorted though. Makes me sick.


----------

