# Rapture of the Mind



## ROTM (Apr 8, 2008)

This is a compilation of many of my ramblings about the condition I have, they come straight from my inner-most beliefs and I have not shared them with anyone I know ... please do not read further if you are expecting something uplifting/sane, This may appear to be mindless jibberish, but I am posting it here because if anyone is able to understand it, they will be found on a forum such as this. If you are not sure something has been interpreted correctly please ask me about it, I will do my best to describe what I mean by the more coded sections... This is a very long article and if you are not prepared to read the whole thing, please do not read it at all:

My mind is breaking
I have neglected it
I have abused it
and now I am paying the price
My eyes are terrifying
and alien
My soul does not recognize
The physical manifestation
of the Pain and Hate my mind endures
The great divide has occured and 
Two sides of me Prey on each other
My Sins
My Desires
My sins are a reflection of past wrongs
Reinforced by the neglected sins of blood
My desires are a reflection of my soul
Suppressed by the devil inside
The devil that I asked for
That I welcomed into my mind
I am not a bad person
but my soul cannot be seen in my eyes
All that is evident is the rage
the rage that my soul, my desires, 
Keep trapped inside
the rage that will not ever disappear
the rage that will one day take over
the rage that will destroy me
ultimately I am already dead
I have doubted my existence
and given my mind more power than I have given my soul
Now my mind is taking over
it was neglected and now 
I cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not
I truly have lost my mind
but I have kept my soul
and I must continue to keep my soul
the alternative is hell
a hell of the mind
Satan is the embodiement
of the sins every human being has
We have collectively given our sins a name
and because of that it is too easy to tell ourselves we "do not beleive" in heaven or hell
but heaven and hell are forced upon us everyday
and the human race is becoming too occupied with superficial bullshit
to deal with their individual hell
I fear for the human race
The apocalypse will manifest in the minds of the population
and we will bring it forth into the collective reality
We see it every day, it has already started
not in the third world
They are violent but they have clear ideas about their own individual rights and wrongs
Their minds are at peace even though their bodies may not be
It will start with people like myself
people all over north america are not equipped to handle the problems that will soon arise in our collective reality
Their sins will start to control their desires and there will be chaos, a complete breakdown
caused by our minds
not the "devil"

I am holding my mind together with alcohol, it is the only method that seems to bring out the side of me that is trapped

Am I horrible person? Have I done something so terrible that my only flesh and blood cannot forgive me, or does the problem lie in both of us, 
I seem to be the only one of us that can admit to my wrongs and work on them by myself, this is not acceptable to my mother
She needs someone who will waive their own individuality forever in order to feel loved, she has that in Lin
My mother is "happy" and cannot understand why I am not
She has given me the curse of the emotional mind and I am trying to overcome it, but she cannot understand that she is the problem
She has taught me to feel guilt and self-hate and now that it is becoming apparent she simply points it out and says "see, you have problems"
and then she wonders why I hate her
she will not admit any wrong doing on her part
which puts the responsiblility on me to accept that I am solely to blame for how I have turned out
I have accepted that I AM, in fact, solely to blame, but that is not good for her either
she wants me to fulfill her propechy, her worst fears
and then she wants me to accept her forever and better myself because of her
not because of me
She is a manipulator and does not fully understand it
I am a manipulator and do not fully understand it
I have learned from her how to behave in a way that pleases people
and places the burden of love on them
It has split my mind, I know now that I naturally want to help others, to be a good person
but I cannot help myself
I have not learned how to be an individual from my mother
I have learned how to be a slave to anyone who is willing to let me
and how to hate them for doing so at the same time.

Ultimately, I am already dead...

I am responsible for everything that I think, and do...
But everything I think, and do, is influenced by my experiences
I am trapped in a web of blame, and shame
I am not intelligent, but I am intellectual
and my mind is a puzzle that I cannot solve
and that no one else can solve
I WILL learn to understand myself fully and completely
If I do not I will be cast into hell
and I do not deserve hell
my thoughts are pure but my actions are not
my actions are a result of what I've seen, and felt
my mind is a result of something altogether different
something I cannot even begin to grasp
I am what society would call crazy
But I am good at hiding it
and will learn to fit society's definition of "a good person"
"a good person" is nothing more than an intellectual mind that has figured out how to overcome the devil inside.
But the devil inside is what gives the intellectual mind power
The power to observe, and judge, is both a curse and a blessing.
It is a curse because the intellectual mind can ONLY observe and judge
It is a blessing because the result of observation and judgement is knowledge and comparison to oneself.

I have an angel inside me, and I have satan himself inside me...
I am insane, and I consider it better in the end.
Insanity is a curse, it is the horrible manifestation of the devil himself
But my soul is pure, and will always remain pure.
Your soul cannot be "insane" it simply exists and dictates your inner-most desires.
What you "see" and "feel" are simply what your mind accepts, if you're mind does not accept what you "see" and "feel"
Then you are insane.
But you also are intellectual.
You have the intelligence to realize that what you are "seeing" and "feeling" may not be what every other person is
"seeing" and "feeling"
and if your soul is anything like mine you respect that
I do not hate the "popular people" I love them more than my body
They have gained the love of many minds and because of that it makes their mind extremly powerful.
It is intimidating, and the stupid mind does not respect the mind that intimidates them


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## ROTM (Apr 8, 2008)

Regarding all my references to heaven and hell, I am an athiest, I am one of those people who have told myself I do not beleive in either heaven and hell in the the physical sense of the words... No one will ever experience another's heaven, and no one will experience another's hell... but we all experience our own and have given it a name in order to relate it to other people's.


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## Guest (Apr 15, 2008)

Im not athiest or thiestic.....there is no such thing as the devil ,heaven or hell....though I am spiritual...it is only the idea of imperfection that causes us to create from good or bad...things are just perfect.


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## ROTM (Apr 8, 2008)

That is a very good response, I do not know if I am spiritual or not, all I know is that I can't be 100% sure of anything I see or feel... but neither can anyone else, I personally believe someone who hasn't experienced DP is someone who is in a "heaven of the mind" they have never questioned their reality and therefore they are able to accept it as real... but I've seen what my mind is capable of doing when put through a physical change (Yes, drugs like acid and mushrooms) and it makes me wonder how I can possibly accept my mind's "normal" chemical state as reality... that is where my references to a "collective reality" come from... we all believe that we are experiencing the same world as the person sitting next to us on the bus, but many people on this forum know that it simply isn't true, our perceptions are so easily changed by small imbalances that I wonder if what we are seeing is actually real, or is just the medium through which all our minds are set. Consider the possibility that EVERY person you talk to is just a visual manifestation of something your mind conjured up... and you will feel the greatest sense of loneliness, that is the "hell of the mind" that I am in. I do not want to believe that no one else is really there, but I have no proof that they are other than what I see and hear and feel, and those are interpreted by my mind... even my mind itself is interpreted by my mind.


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