# Um....hi....



## Slick (Dec 25, 2007)

I sorta browsed for awhile, because I didn't want to join and be 'out-of-place' or take attention away from people who WERE suffering from this.

And now I'm a bit tongue-tied as how to start...

I constantly feel like I'm playing a part... like I'm just an actor. Like I'm stuck in this body, but I'm someone else? There's not a clue who this 'else' is, just I look at my hands typing this now and they don't seem like mine. I check myself out in the mirror constantly... sometimes I poke my checks, or touch my eyelashes trying to connect me with me..... but there's never a connection.

I know the things I like and how 'I' react to things....but I have no idea why I like them, or why I'm this way. I sorta feel like I'm going through the paces.... and I continue to do these things as not to alarm my parents or friends. Even the foods I choose to eat- there's not a real sense of 'This tastes good to me' but 'This is SUPPOSED to taste good to me...'

When I look around me....it seems like I'm watching a video taken by a ametuer....like a home-movie. You'll see the persons feet, or hands pop into picture, and hear their voice from nowhere. More often then not, things seem foggy, but CRISP- like a moive set. For awhile I thought it was lighting, but it's popped up in places it hasn't been, and disappeared in places it was before.

I took voice lessons for years....but when I sung just this morning, there was this sudden thought of 'Who's singing?'

I've lived in an almost constant state of this for the last 8 month. Once, a few weeks ago when I was walking around striaghtening up for bed after work, I felt like a dark-cloud had lifted and I felt ME. But then when I woke up the next morning, it was this again.

I feel nothing. I know how to 'real smile' (crinkle your eyes) and fake it well....but there hasn't been an urge to smile. I'm faking, but I'm faking EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. And I feel like such a liar, and that I'm evil, and I must be out of my mind. Always, ALWAYS I feel like I'm lying because there's never a time to say "Sorry, it's not that I don't care one way or _another_ it's that I don't care at all. About anything. Sorry, I'm an emotional void."

It's Christmas and I have to go be social and stuff. Please, tell me what you think. And even if you don't, thanks for listening.


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## cromanyak (Aug 19, 2007)

I think you sound just like the rest of us. I used to do all the same things(still do actually) like look in the mirror, touch my face, and also the whole feeling like I'm lying thing. It's not as painful anymore, but I still feel like I'm being fake alot. Which I am, but it's better than going though the day and not saying anything. I remember being kind of obsessed with telling the truth but for some reason when I did it felt like I was lying or that people didn't believe me. The best thing to do is to try not to question things so much. Like why you preferr this food or why you like certain music. Our brains are way overactive with these types of questions. The answer is there, but it gets drowned out with all the constant self interrogation.

Chris


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