# My recovery from 20 years of DPD



## violetgirl

I had Depersonalization Disorder for about 20 years, with episodes of severe Derealization, and I only found out I had DPD halfway through my recovery.

I developed Depersonalization Disorder when I was about 10. I can't remember exactly how and when it started, I think it was a gradual thing. I was definitely aware that I wasn't 'feeling real' anymore, but just accepted it as my reality, I think I was too young to realize that something had changed. I can't really remember much about that time, but in my early teens it started to distressed me. My cognitive process began to deteriorate rapidly. I couldn't read very well, as words and sentenced seemed meaningless and weird. I found it impossible to follow what the teacher was saying, and copying stuff from the blackboard. I eventually gave up on learning, as I was too ashamed to admit that I was struggling. I thought I'd lost my intelligence and that I was stupid. My social skills deteriorated, and my behavior became increasingly erratic and I lost a lot of friends. I was self-harming on a daily basis and was really depressed. I tried to commit suicide a few times, but looking back they were just attempts to test if I was real. Would I die if I was dead already?

I would get anxiety about everything. The whole process of school was stressful, meeting new people, changing classrooms, noisy kids around me. I purposely DP'd a lot at this time to disconnect myself from stressful situations, not realizing the damage I was doing to myself. I became school phobic and would pretend to be ill so I could stay at home. I had Depersonalized so often, that I was unable to come back from it. I knew that I'd done it, I knew that I'd switched off too many times and that it had become even more permanent, but I couldn't express or understand what was happening. My DPD became worse, I'd lie on my bed for hours wondering why I couldn't feel anything, trying to force me brain to reconnect to the world. The DPD had become my reality for so long that I just accepted it, I couldn't remember not feeling it, so I thought maybe I'd always felt like this and so did everyone else. I would wonder if I had died and become a ghost, if I was in a half-life, and all sorts of theories similar to the Matrix. Had I been disconnected by something external? Every time I was alone I would dwell on it, especially at night. I would dread going to bed as the depression and ruminating would be at it's worst, and I had insomnia. The problems with self-harm and depression got worse, and I was hospitalized. I would self-harm for a number of reasons, to punish myself, for control, to relieve stress and to test that I was real. Seeing the blood would prove that I was alive, and for me to feel something as I felt so numb. I lost the ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. The only way I could do this was cutting or acting out. I had this constant scream inside my head that I wished I could let out.

In my late teens I stupidly took cannabis, ecstasy and mushrooms. This triggered Derealisation episodes which were really scary. I was also going through a lot of stress and arguments at home, was staring college, and I began to really lost my grip on reality. I would lose days, and suddenly wake up in a friends house not knowing how I'd got there, I believed that everyone I knew had been replaced, places seemed unfamiliar and scary. My phobia of being around people became worse and I left college, and I didn't see the point in doing my education as I was still having problems with learning.

Work was difficult as I couldn't concentrate or organize myself. My social skills were really bad at this stage and I hated talking to people. Relationships were impossible. I felt empty inside, and felt like a fraud pretending to be a normal person doing normal things, and that I was conning the person I was with, that they had no idea that I wasn't a real person. I couldn't feel love or any happiness from being with someone, I had major co-dependency issues and would look for anyone who could take the emptiness away. The relationship would always fall apart, because of my clingy behaviour, which would then make me feel worse about myself, and the DPD got worse.

I was constantly paranoid that people could tell I was detached, by the way I was talking and acted. I couldn't concentrate on what people were saying, I'd forget people and important things about them, and I was worried I was perceived as being rude. I wasn't assertive and would let people walk all over me, and trying anything to get people to like me. I had no personal boundaries, or no understanding of what behaviour I should and shouldn't tolerate.

I eventually lost control over my behaviour and what I was saying, my mood swings were getting worse and my behaviour more and more erratic. I was just living day to day, my anxiety was getting worse as was the DPD. By this time, I developed obsessive thoughts, panicking that I'd done inappropriate things and not realizing it, this then fed into my anxiety. I developed Pure-Obsessive thoughts, which constantly plagued me.

I eventually had a breakdown. I'd had a relationship breakdown, problems in work, my depression and OCD became unbearable. I had a severe Derealization episode, which ended with me trying to commit suicide. My rumination about death and reality drove me insane and I was hospitalized. I lost my job, my apartment and had to move home. I stayed in the Derealization episode for a few more years, with my rumination OCD with death and suicide taking a hold of me. Every day I'd wake up and think 'today I'm going to kill myself', I'd write a note, sort out my belongings, mentally prepare myself for death, then in the night I'd think 'ok I'll do it tomorrow'. I repeated this every day, stayed in this routine for about two years, by the end I was mentally exhausted.

I finally saw a psychologist, who diagnosed me with severe OCD, and that I wasn't psychotic. Within a few weeks my OCD began to ease up, and we began to talk about my family. It never occurred to me that anything was wrong with my parents, but we talked about the excessive physical punishment and controlling nature of their parenting. This really built up my confidence, but I stopped going to see him because of financial issues. I did more research into parenting styles, and got a better understanding of my parents and how their behaviour affected me. After a while, a lot of my behaviour made sense, the self-harm as a way of punishing myself, my insecurities, the way I saw myself.

I still had the DPD, but the Derealization had gone. I was starting to find things I enjoyed, got some hobbies and began to find myself a bit. I was still having mood swings and self-harming occasionally.

I was suffering from insomnia and had been put on sleeping pills and anti-psychotics to help me sleep. This made the DPD worse, so I decided to try Melatonin instead. And suddenly, I halfway 'woke up' from the DPD! I freaked out because I couldn't understand what was going on, I suddenly had some kind of empathy and I was starting to feel the world a bit. DPD had been my reality for so long, I had gotten used to it. The shock was so much, that it sent me into a Derealisation episode and had constant panic attacks and euphoric episodes. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.

I searched on the net, and eventually came across Depersonalization Disorder. I cried for ages, because finally I understood why I'd been feeling weird for all these years. I was still half in my DPD and in a Derealization episode. I read as much as I could, but couldn't understand it at all. I searched on you tube and found people talking about DPD. I got a DVD from Harris Harrington's programme which helped me out of the final stages of the DPD, and to understand why it happened to me. I was still having panic attacks and dealing with sad things from my childhood. I had no idea who I was, or what I liked, or what kind of person I was. Not having the DPD to protect me any more had left me raw. I really didn't mind having the panic attacks at all, at least I was feeling something!

My mood swings have gone because I'm not constantly anxious, I don't self-harm, my DPD has totally gone. Although I am struggling with Derealisation episodes, I think they are happening because I am still getting used to being 'real'. The episodes are only lasting a few hours, so I am able to cope with them. I have a totally stable sense of who I am, I feel like a real, complete person. I am finally enjoying life and I feel happy and alive. I never knew how to be happy, and now I do. I am an assertive person, I have all my memories back, I feel strong, my thoughts flow freely in my head and don't get trapped in an OCD loop, I can feel happiness and laugh a lot, I can connect with people, my social skills have improved, so has my concentration. About 90% of my OCD has gone, I don't ruminate any more. I don't care about the meaning of life any more, or why we are here, I really couldn't care less. I am totally centered and content, and comfortable in my own skin and know a 100% that I am a real person.


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## Jayden

Im glad your recovered!

Can you share anything on how you recovered?


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## violetgirl

The whole recovery process is still a bit of a blur because it happened so quickly.

I'd say the first part was started a few years before, when I got therapy for my rumination, pure obsessive thoughts and OCD. that took a lot of the stress away.
Also figuring out my family, and how my parents had treated me. My father was a narcassist and my mother was cold towards me. I think everyone thinks their family is normal, and adapts their behaviour, no matter how destructinve, to cope with it all. I think this was the most important part of my recovery.

Then, the melatonin. I have no idea if it was co-incidence or not, but within a few days, i was halfway there. Possibly because i was sleeping better and had a body clock?

Then i got the DVD course from Harris Harrington, i found out about it on youtube. That took me out of the DPD completely. It talked a lot about why DPD happens, family systemy, and excercises to get my concentration back.

So all in all.
Therapy for OCD
Figuring out my family
Melatonin
Then the DVD

Now, i'm eating better, excercising, taking up hobbies, training my brain to learn and to enjoy things


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## Guest

You're recovery is an inspiration to me and I imagine anyone else who reads your post!

Thank you so much!!

All the best with the great things that lie ahead.


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## Infinitevoid

I might try some of those things. I'm so desperate. I've done everything people say to do... I keep living, I go do things, I eat well, sleep alright, and exercise. Have friends and a steady life. I'm not even as stressed anymore. But from previous severe panic attacks and OCD I am in a "permanent" (all the damn time) DP/DR state. It seems like most people around here get episodes of it but I'm kind of stuck in it, like it seems you were. I've pumped myself full of vitamins and saw the doctor who thinks it's ADD...? My brain is constantly in a soup. I barely realize what I'm doing most of the time, and I'm 22.

I might try that melatonin, I hear about it a lot. Congrats on getting well.


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## christy

violetgirl said:


> I had Depersonalization Disorder for about 20 years, with episodes of severe Derealization, and I only found out I had DPD halfway through my recovery.
> 
> I developed Depersonalization Disorder when I was about 10. I can't remember exactly how and when it started, I think it was a gradual thing. I was definitely aware that I wasn't 'feeling real' anymore, but just accepted it as my reality, I think I was too young to realize that something had changed. I can't really remember much about that time, but in my early teens it started to distressed me. My cognitive process began to deteriorate rapidly. I couldn't read very well, as words and sentenced seemed meaningless and weird. I found it impossible to follow what the teacher was saying, and copying stuff from the blackboard. I eventually gave up on learning, as I was too ashamed to admit that I was struggling. I thought I'd lost my intelligence and that I was stupid. My social skills deteriorated, and my behavior became increasingly erratic and I lost a lot of friends. I was self-harming on a daily basis and was really depressed. I tried to commit suicide a few times, but looking back they were just attempts to test if I was real. Would I die if I was dead already?
> 
> I would get anxiety about everything. The whole process of school was stressful, meeting new people, changing classrooms, noisy kids around me. I purposely DP'd a lot at this time to disconnect myself from stressful situations, not realizing the damage I was doing to myself. I became school phobic and would pretend to be ill so I could stay at home. I had Depersonalized so often, that I was unable to come back from it. I knew that I'd done it, I knew that I'd switched off too many times and that it had become even more permanent, but I couldn't express or understand what was happening. My DPD became worse, I'd lie on my bed for hours wondering why I couldn't feel anything, trying to force me brain to reconnect to the world. The DPD had become my reality for so long that I just accepted it, I couldn't remember not feeling it, so I thought maybe I'd always felt like this and so did everyone else. I would wonder if I had died and become a ghost, if I was in a half-life, and all sorts of theories similar to the Matrix. Had I been disconnected by something external? Every time I was alone I would dwell on it, especially at night. I would dread going to bed as the depression and ruminating would be at it's worst, and I had insomnia. The problems with self-harm and depression got worse, and I was hospitalized. I would self-harm for a number of reasons, to punish myself, for control, to relieve stress and to test that I was real. Seeing the blood would prove that I was alive, and for me to feel something as I felt so numb. I lost the ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. The only way I could do this was cutting or acting out. I had this constant scream inside my head that I wished I could let out.
> 
> In my late teens I stupidly took cannabis, ecstasy and mushrooms. This triggered Derealisation episodes which were really scary. I was also going through a lot of stress and arguments at home, was staring college, and I began to really lost my grip on reality. I would lose days, and suddenly wake up in a friends house not knowing how I'd got there, I believed that everyone I knew had been replaced, places seemed unfamiliar and scary. My phobia of being around people became worse and I left college, and I didn't see the point in doing my education as I was still having problems with learning.
> 
> Work was difficult as I couldn't concentrate or organize myself. My social skills were really bad at this stage and I hated talking to people. Relationships were impossible. I felt empty inside, and felt like a fraud pretending to be a normal person doing normal things, and that I was conning the person I was with, that they had no idea that I wasn't a real person. I couldn't feel love or any happiness from being with someone, I had major co-dependency issues and would look for anyone who could take the emptiness away. The relationship would always fall apart, because of my clingy behaviour, which would then make me feel worse about myself, and the DPD got worse.
> 
> I was constantly paranoid that people could tell I was detached, by the way I was talking and acted. I couldn't concentrate on what people were saying, I'd forget people and important things about them, and I was worried I was perceived as being rude. I wasn't assertive and would let people walk all over me, and trying anything to get people to like me. I had no personal boundaries, or no understanding of what behaviour I should and shouldn't tolerate.
> 
> I eventually lost control over my behaviour and what I was saying, my mood swings were getting worse and my behaviour more and more erratic. I was just living day to day, my anxiety was getting worse as was the DPD. By this time, I developed obsessive thoughts, panicking that I'd done inappropriate things and not realizing it, this then fed into my anxiety. I developed Pure-Obsessive thoughts, which constantly plagued me.
> 
> I eventually had a breakdown. I'd had a relationship breakdown, problems in work, my depression and OCD became unbearable. I had a severe Derealization episode, which ended with me trying to commit suicide. My rumination about death and reality drove me insane and I was hospitalized. I lost my job, my apartment and had to move home. I stayed in the Derealization episode for a few more years, with my rumination OCD with death and suicide taking a hold of me. Every day I'd wake up and think 'today I'm going to kill myself', I'd write a note, sort out my belongings, mentally prepare myself for death, then in the night I'd think 'ok I'll do it tomorrow'. I repeated this every day, stayed in this routine for about two years, by the end I was mentally exhausted.
> 
> I finally saw a psychologist, who diagnosed me with severe OCD, and that I wasn't psychotic. Within a few weeks my OCD began to ease up, and we began to talk about my family. It never occurred to me that anything was wrong with my parents, but we talked about the excessive physical punishment and controlling nature of their parenting. This really built up my confidence, but I stopped going to see him because of financial issues. I did more research into parenting styles, and got a better understanding of my parents and how their behaviour affected me. After a while, a lot of my behaviour made sense, the self-harm as a way of punishing myself, my insecurities, the way I saw myself.
> 
> I still had the DPD, but the Derealization had gone. I was starting to find things I enjoyed, got some hobbies and began to find myself a bit. I was still having mood swings and self-harming occasionally.
> 
> I was suffering from insomnia and had been put on sleeping pills and anti-psychotics to help me sleep. This made the DPD worse, so I decided to try Melatonin instead. And suddenly, I halfway 'woke up' from the DPD! I freaked out because I couldn't understand what was going on, I suddenly had some kind of empathy and I was starting to feel the world a bit. DPD had been my reality for so long, I had gotten used to it. The shock was so much, that it sent me into a Derealisation episode and had constant panic attacks and euphoric episodes. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.
> 
> I searched on the net, and eventually came across Depersonalization Disorder. I cried for ages, because finally I understood why I'd been feeling weird for all these years. I was still half in my DPD and in a Derealization episode. I read as much as I could, but couldn't understand it at all. I searched on you tube and found people talking about DPD. I got a DVD from Harris Harrington's programme which helped me out of the final stages of the DPD, and to understand why it happened to me. I was still having panic attacks and dealing with sad things from my childhood. I had no idea who I was, or what I liked, or what kind of person I was. Not having the DPD to protect me any more had left me raw. I really didn't mind having the panic attacks at all, at least I was feeling something!
> 
> My mood swings have gone because I'm not constantly anxious, I don't self-harm, my DPD has totally gone. Although I am struggling with Derealisation episodes, I think they are happening because I am still getting used to being 'real'. The episodes are only lasting a few hours, so I am able to cope with them. I have a totally stable sense of who I am, I feel like a real, complete person. I am finally enjoying life and I feel happy and alive. I never knew how to be happy, and now I do. I am an assertive person, I have all my memories back, I feel strong, my thoughts flow freely in my head and don't get trapped in an OCD loop, I can feel happiness and laugh a lot, I can connect with people, my social skills have improved, so has my concentration. About 90% of my OCD has gone, I don't ruminate any more. I don't care about the meaning of life any more, or why we are here, I really couldn't care less. I am totally centered and content, and comfortable in my own skin and know a 100% that I am a real person.


your post was so inspirational. i've had chronic intense dr for ten years. sometimes i get so depressed out of my mind, and so afraid i'll never be cured. i was losing hope again, and u helped me out. it seems like the melanin helped? i'm in therapy, and i feel better about myself, but the dr is still as present as ever. it also stemmed from family issues (traumatic childhood). it seems like melanin really helped? i'm so desperate i think i'd cut off my right arm if i heard it helped...


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## violetgirl

Thanks for the nice replies!

I don't know if the melatonin would definitely help, but it's just something that worked for me. It's good for keeping a regular sleeping pattern and giving your days a bit of structure, as DPD can make the days just blend into one.

Another thing I'd recommend is Mindfullness meditation. It's all about living in the moment, letting go of stress and being aware of our bodies.

http://www.bemindful.co.uk/about_mindfulness
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/mental_health/article6975660.ece

Here's some more information about my recovery, sorry it's coming in bits, i'm still trying to put it all together.

I will compare my recovery from DPD as a form of withdrawal. 
The DPD/ DR did get worse before it got better. I was convinced that the diagnosis of DPD was all in my mind, that I wouldn't be able to handle reality without the DPD, I went into total denial that I even had DPD. I compare it to an abusive partner, that convinces you that you will not be able to live without him/ her. The DPD is like a form of addiction, in that you become reliant on it to numb your pain. I can promise you that DPD is totally useless, it serves to positive purpose whatsoever, no matter how much your brain tells you otherwise.

This eventually got better, but this was a big part of my recovery. It was painful, and I cried a lot, and I even at times wished my DPD would come back. But life is so much better and brighter without it.


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## violetgirl

Infinitevoid said:


> I might try some of those things. I'm so desperate. I've done everything people say to do... I keep living, I go do things, I eat well, sleep alright, and exercise. Have friends and a steady life. I'm not even as stressed anymore. But from previous severe panic attacks and OCD I am in a "permanent" (all the damn time) DP/DR state. It seems like most people around here get episodes of it but I'm kind of stuck in it, like it seems you were. I've pumped myself full of vitamins and saw the doctor who thinks it's ADD...? My brain is constantly in a soup. I barely realize what I'm doing most of the time, and I'm 22.
> 
> I might try that melatonin, I hear about it a lot. Congrats on getting well.


Although I found the DPD horrible, DR episodes were a new level of hell. I really thought at that point when it was severe, that I'd gone to a place in my mind I'd never recover from. I just thought that was it, I'd lost my mind completely, or that I was psychotic.

I personally think it's important to treat the cause as well as the symptoms of DPD. If you concentrate too much on living with the DPD, then that can become an obsession. I never had the experience of having DPD and knowing i had it, if that makes sense? It had always been my reality. But i knew something was seriously up, when i had the DR episodes, I thought i might be schizophrenic or something.


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## university girl

Thanks so much for posting! 16 yrs dpd here.


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## missjess

I sent you a private message and hopefully you receive it!! please message me back


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## Mr confused

girl you are my hero i read your story every day before sleeping it calm me and remind me that if a nice human like you suffer and could be happy again i can too ^^


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## Saschasascha

For some people, including me, severe OCD is the cause of DP.


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## XBrave

this is from 2011 and it's been pinned. why ? how ?


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## bbaldeh10

i am happy some one finally knows what i am going through.


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## seizedbydivine

That's amazing! Thanks for sharing!!!


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## Bnicks

How long did it take you to adjust back to reality and the real world after your episodes stopped?


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## 707

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## Chris1234

all of your stories and remedies are so comforting and provide so much hope. Going on `15 years now and hoping it is the last. Violetgirl thanks for the info about Harris Harrington DVD I saw him on line and was wondering how legit he was

Thanks !


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## Englander225

What an awesome story, I'm so happy for you. I know it's been a minute, but I hope you're still doing great. Cheers


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## Dragoon909

violetgirl said:


> I had Depersonalization Disorder for about 20 years, with episodes of severe Derealization, and I only found out I had DPD halfway through my recovery.
> 
> I developed Depersonalization Disorder when I was about 10. I can't remember exactly how and when it started, I think it was a gradual thing. I was definitely aware that I wasn't 'feeling real' anymore, but just accepted it as my reality, I think I was too young to realize that something had changed. I can't really remember much about that time, but in my early teens it started to distressed me. My cognitive process began to deteriorate rapidly. I couldn't read very well, as words and sentenced seemed meaningless and weird. I found it impossible to follow what the teacher was saying, and copying stuff from the blackboard. I eventually gave up on learning, as I was too ashamed to admit that I was struggling. I thought I'd lost my intelligence and that I was stupid. My social skills deteriorated, and my behavior became increasingly erratic and I lost a lot of friends. I was self-harming on a daily basis and was really depressed. I tried to commit suicide a few times, but looking back they were just attempts to test if I was real. Would I die if I was dead already?
> 
> I would get anxiety about everything. The whole process of school was stressful, meeting new people, changing classrooms, noisy kids around me. I purposely DP'd a lot at this time to disconnect myself from stressful situations, not realizing the damage I was doing to myself. I became school phobic and would pretend to be ill so I could stay at home. I had Depersonalized so often, that I was unable to come back from it. I knew that I'd done it, I knew that I'd switched off too many times and that it had become even more permanent, but I couldn't express or understand what was happening. My DPD became worse, I'd lie on my bed for hours wondering why I couldn't feel anything, trying to force me brain to reconnect to the world. The DPD had become my reality for so long that I just accepted it, I couldn't remember not feeling it, so I thought maybe I'd always felt like this and so did everyone else. I would wonder if I had died and become a ghost, if I was in a half-life, and all sorts of theories similar to the Matrix. Had I been disconnected by something external? Every time I was alone I would dwell on it, especially at night. I would dread going to bed as the depression and ruminating would be at it's worst, and I had insomnia. The problems with self-harm and depression got worse, and I was hospitalized. I would self-harm for a number of reasons, to punish myself, for control, to relieve stress and to test that I was real. Seeing the blood would prove that I was alive, and for me to feel something as I felt so numb. I lost the ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. The only way I could do this was cutting or acting out. I had this constant scream inside my head that I wished I could let out.
> 
> In my late teens I stupidly took cannabis, ecstasy and mushrooms. This triggered Derealisation episodes which were really scary. I was also going through a lot of stress and arguments at home, was staring college, and I began to really lost my grip on reality. I would lose days, and suddenly wake up in a friends house not knowing how I'd got there, I believed that everyone I knew had been replaced, places seemed unfamiliar and scary. My phobia of being around people became worse and I left college, and I didn't see the point in doing my education as I was still having problems with learning.
> 
> Work was difficult as I couldn't concentrate or organize myself. My social skills were really bad at this stage and I hated talking to people. Relationships were impossible. I felt empty inside, and felt like a fraud pretending to be a normal person doing normal things, and that I was conning the person I was with, that they had no idea that I wasn't a real person. I couldn't feel love or any happiness from being with someone, I had major co-dependency issues and would look for anyone who could take the emptiness away. The relationship would always fall apart, because of my clingy behaviour, which would then make me feel worse about myself, and the DPD got worse.
> 
> I was constantly paranoid that people could tell I was detached, by the way I was talking and acted. I couldn't concentrate on what people were saying, I'd forget people and important things about them, and I was worried I was perceived as being rude. I wasn't assertive and would let people walk all over me, and trying anything to get people to like me. I had no personal boundaries, or no understanding of what behaviour I should and shouldn't tolerate.
> 
> I eventually lost control over my behaviour and what I was saying, my mood swings were getting worse and my behaviour more and more erratic. I was just living day to day, my anxiety was getting worse as was the DPD. By this time, I developed obsessive thoughts, panicking that I'd done inappropriate things and not realizing it, this then fed into my anxiety. I developed Pure-Obsessive thoughts, which constantly plagued me.
> 
> I eventually had a breakdown. I'd had a relationship breakdown, problems in work, my depression and OCD became unbearable. I had a severe Derealization episode, which ended with me trying to commit suicide. My rumination about death and reality drove me insane and I was hospitalized. I lost my job, my apartment and had to move home. I stayed in the Derealization episode for a few more years, with my rumination OCD with death and suicide taking a hold of me. Every day I'd wake up and think 'today I'm going to kill myself', I'd write a note, sort out my belongings, mentally prepare myself for death, then in the night I'd think 'ok I'll do it tomorrow'. I repeated this every day, stayed in this routine for about two years, by the end I was mentally exhausted.
> 
> I finally saw a psychologist, who diagnosed me with severe OCD, and that I wasn't psychotic. Within a few weeks my OCD began to ease up, and we began to talk about my family. It never occurred to me that anything was wrong with my parents, but we talked about the excessive physical punishment and controlling nature of their parenting. This really built up my confidence, but I stopped going to see him because of financial issues. I did more research into parenting styles, and got a better understanding of my parents and how their behaviour affected me. After a while, a lot of my behaviour made sense, the self-harm as a way of punishing myself, my insecurities, the way I saw myself.
> 
> I still had the DPD, but the Derealization had gone. I was starting to find things I enjoyed, got some hobbies and began to find myself a bit. I was still having mood swings and self-harming occasionally.
> 
> I was suffering from insomnia and had been put on sleeping pills and anti-psychotics to help me sleep. This made the DPD worse, so I decided to try Melatonin instead. And suddenly, I halfway 'woke up' from the DPD! I freaked out because I couldn't understand what was going on, I suddenly had some kind of empathy and I was starting to feel the world a bit. DPD had been my reality for so long, I had gotten used to it. The shock was so much, that it sent me into a Derealisation episode and had constant panic attacks and euphoric episodes. I couldn't understand what was happening to me.
> 
> I searched on the net, and eventually came across Depersonalization Disorder. I cried for ages, because finally I understood why I'd been feeling weird for all these years. I was still half in my DPD and in a Derealization episode. I read as much as I could, but couldn't understand it at all. I searched on you tube and found people talking about DPD. I got a DVD from Harris Harrington's programme which helped me out of the final stages of the DPD, and to understand why it happened to me. I was still having panic attacks and dealing with sad things from my childhood. I had no idea who I was, or what I liked, or what kind of person I was. Not having the DPD to protect me any more had left me raw. I really didn't mind having the panic attacks at all, at least I was feeling something!
> 
> My mood swings have gone because I'm not constantly anxious, I don't self-harm, my DPD has totally gone. Although I am struggling with Derealisation episodes, I think they are happening because I am still getting used to being 'real'. The episodes are only lasting a few hours, so I am able to cope with them. I have a totally stable sense of who I am, I feel like a real, complete person. I am finally enjoying life and I feel happy and alive. I never knew how to be happy, and now I do. I am an assertive person, I have all my memories back, I feel strong, my thoughts flow freely in my head and don't get trapped in an OCD loop, I can feel happiness and laugh a lot, I can connect with people, my social skills have improved, so has my concentration. About 90% of my OCD has gone, I don't ruminate any more. I don't care about the meaning of life any more, or why we are here, I really couldn't care less. I am totally centered and content, and comfortable in my own skin and know a 100% that I am a real person.


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## Dragoon909

I can relate to the thinking you've died and became a ghost part: the existentialism is terrifying. 

But it's not true. All thoughts that eventually pass. 

Thank you for your story! Very encouraging and uplifting. 💗


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