# I want to be someone else



## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

Depression and anxiety can't be cured or treated. I'm too tired to try. I'm tired of talking about anything but mental disorders. I could go on all day about that. It's all my life revolves around. I'm not getting anywhere, I feel like I'm on a track. Everything I do is fake. It disgusts me. It's all to please other people. _Then do something to please yourself!_ Hahaha. That's funny. I'm going to smoke weed again. That's the last time--beside the panic, the intense depersonalization and derealization--I felt joy. I'll face it: I'll never have friends again. I don't want to, they bring me no pleasure. People only bring anxiety; I'm in physical pain from the tension. I'm going to spend the rest of my life pursuing a high.

My writing is so bad.


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Bear said:


> Depression and anxiety can't be cured or treated. I'm too tired to try. I'm tired of talking about anything but mental disorders. I could go on all day about that. It's all my life revolves around. I'm not getting anywhere, I feel like I'm on a track. Everything I do is fake. It disgusts me. It's all to please other people. _Then do something to please yourself!_ Hahaha. That's funny. I'm going to smoke weed again. That's the last time--beside the panic, the intense depersonalization and derealization--I felt joy. I'll face it: I'll never have friends again. I don't want to, they bring me no pleasure. People only bring anxiety; I'm in physical pain from the tension. I'm going to spend the rest of my life pursuing a high.
> 
> My writing is so bad.


WHAT! Is this the same Bear? You're like a mascot, especially with the "Bear" name and all.

No weed. Please no weed. If you do, you have to come back on here and be honest about how it worked out.

I say no for many reasons.
1. Lots of people say they can't even really get high after DP/DR. All I hear is "its 100x's worse"
2. Habits, and its a depressive thing. Drugs are bad mmmmmkay. Fuck I hate weed so much. I'm from an area that is just constantly high all the time. All my best closest closest friends have confessed to me that they wish they never started. Thats the TRUTH. 
3. Panic attacks... and also in your state of mind it doesn't sound so good. 
4. If you smoke get back to me on this, but A lot of people find including myself, that after one bad trip, drugs are over for you. After I had my incident I did not have DP/DR and I smoked like 10 times more over a year or 2 with out any DP/DR but It NEVER was good.. a few times I smoked a little it was "ok". But most times I'd take a bong rip and end up laying on a couch trying to ignore the twitching and hoping i dont get cought, and "tripping out" which I later found out IS NOT NORMAL. not heavy tripping, but ya know. anyways. It may be ruined for you. May be not.

If you no longer have friends, then they were "pot" friends.. look this stuff up. Its true. in AA they will teach you about "alcoholic friendship".. its not real. its faker than any DP. You stop drinking and they stop hanging out. Your only friends when your drunk, and you do this thing i've always called "fail together". People always want to "fail together".

"take a hit, don't be a pussy".
"do your homework tomorrow, lets go steal stuff at the store, don't be a pussy"
"Have another drink, its on me"

FAIL

I'm one to speak though. I lived by those words for ages and now that I have DP I dwell and obsess over it constantly. I even drank one night... So yeah, hypocrite right here. But my advice still stands.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Hey dont be so hard on yourself. And depression and anxiety can absolutely be cured. You will find good friends. I do not think you should smoke weed, but if you are, smoke less than what you would normally do. I dont know what else to say (alot because ive already forgotten most of your post, im not in Quick Reply mode and my short term memory suuucks) but try and have as much fun as possible, listen to music, read, watch good films and series, hang out with good people!

Be well.


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## Rogue Bullies (Jun 1, 2010)

Please don't smoke! Everyone who has DP and smokes just gets worse and worse deeper and deeper into it. You must be having a hard day, it will pass. Your normally so positive. Just keep it up hun! Bad times will pass stay positive.


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## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

BlueTank said:


> Hey dont be so hard on yourself. And depression and anxiety can absolutely be cured. You will find good friends. I do not think you should smoke weed, but if you are, smoke less than what you would normally do. I dont know what else to say (alot because ive already forgotten most of your post, im not in Quick Reply mode and my short term memory suuucks) but try and have as much fun as possible, listen to music, read, watch good films and series, hang out with good people!
> 
> Be well.


I've been trying and literally seeing no progress at all. Except in DP which to be honest, I don't care about anymore. I don't care if it stays or goes, my life will be equally bad. How will I find friends if I'm not a person, anymore? How will I find friends if I don't want friends?


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Well I'm not going to say don't smoke weed or anything, because that would be your choice, but I'd like to share my thoughts about this with you. Whenever I feel like there's absolutely no chance of recovering, I remember recovered people who mentioned that they were having a really bad time, and a few days after they recovered. I know this is probably not the best way of seeing things, but this is how I see it "If DP/DR came out of nowhere, they can also go away that way" , I don't do much to recover to be honest, I mostly sit in front of my computer, barely go out with friends because I just don't feel like going out, it's not even fun like it used to be, but I have a really blind hope that someday I'll wake up without DP.


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## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

Recovering from DP is not a priority of mine. It doesn't bother me. I think about it rarely. My problems are anxiety and depression. When I recovered from dp once about 9 months ago, I didn't care. I sat in the bathroom and cried because my life "sucks" either way.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Bear said:


> Recovering from DP is not a priority of mine. It doesn't bother me. I think about it rarely. My problems are anxiety and depression. When I recovered from dp once about 9 months ago, I didn't care. I sat in the bathroom and cried because my life "sucks" either way.


I also struggle with anxiety and depression, but the depression isn't really a problem at the moment since I'm taking an antidepressant, but I'm still uber anxious, and I see both things the same way I see DP/DR, it can go away anytime, I might be stupid for believing that all of this will go away someday out of nothing, but that's what I believe in


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Bear said:


> They weren't "pot" friends. My friends don't do drugs. I have friends but I don't care to be around them. I keep them around so it looks good. If I don't have drugs, I don't have anything. It is what kept me alive even way before DP. That I don't have to feel this way. I can escape, if only for a little while.


Oh, sorry, I thought they ditched you. I shouldn't assume really, but it does happen to a lot of people. I remember you talking about "Being handed the pipe" and all that.....

I'm from the land of "pot friends" myself. I learned a lot, FAST.

All you really need is a couple of good ones. I have a couple of supportive friends. out of the 3 it turns out 2 of them have some heavy issues of their own and by talking with one of them about it he said it REALLY helped him. I guess i'm lucky that way, but then again i'm older and have had a lot of time to live and learn and filter.



> I dont know what else to say (alot because ive already forgotten most of your post, im not in Quick Reply mode and my short term memory suuucks)


Tell me about it! soooo true.


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## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Oh, sorry, I thought they ditched you. I shouldn't assume really, but it does happen to a lot of people. I remember you talking about "Being handed the pipe" and all that.....
> 
> I'm from the land of "pot friends" myself. I learned a lot, FAST.
> 
> ...


It was my pipe anyway, psh. My best friend and I drifted apart after I got depersonalization. She's the only person I've ever even somewhat opened up to. She was the first to know about my dp. Today is her birthday, actually. Our lifestyles are too different, unfortunately. She's the most confident girl in the world.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

You're young and beautiful. It's just a matter of time before you find a boyfriend who loves you and get married and start a family. Hopefully a rich boyfriend lol. Life can be better just around the corner.


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

I can relate, girl. I've had depression since I was 13 and right now, the depression and anxiety is what keeps me from living moreso than the DP/DR. I still smoke weed, still drink, still feel like crap.lol. But i'm depressed right now for the most part so I've got no motivation to change. Then again IT'S SUMMER and everyone gets stagnant during these months.

Whenever school would start for me, I'd get anxious about it and the depression was always off and on but for the most part, being in school made me feel better cuz it took my mind off of things. Seriously, i'm excited to start fall semester in like 3 weeks, cuz I know it will take my mind off of this 24/7 psychological onslaught.

You feel bad and fake right now, we all do at some points. Alot of my depression includes self-loathing, insecure thoughts about my fake persona and how I feel like i've got no self.And this was especially true when I was younger. I was the little punky goth kid in highschool who was pissed all the time,I mean..still very friendly, but for the most part just entrenched in sadness and extreme doubt about myself.

The ultimate truth is that you're right in the middle of the shitstorm because youre still quite young (and so am i!) I know youre intelligent and can hold your own and absolutely act older than you are but..it's the truth.

I reflect all the time how much more secure I've become with myself and Im really thankful that I don't care as much as I used to because it was such awkward hell. Just last year was another rough year for me and my identity but I do feel more concrete now.

I swear to god, you will find it easier to deal as the months turn into years and so on. 15 was the absolute worst year of my life, and i am SO fucking glad it's over. I came so close to suicide every day. I didn't even realize what was going on until years later I knew more and could reflect on it. But I'm doing better and I think you've got a chance too.

I guess I'm blowing all this your way because you remind me of me when I was younger, and how I still am. I'm not trying to come off as condescending in any way.


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

flat said:


> You're young and beautiful. It's just a matter of time before you find a boyfriend who loves you and get married and start a family. Hopefully a rich boyfriend lol. Life can be better just around the corner.


Oh, the American dream.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Because it fits the thread, and because I know Minerva will like this


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

lol. Although we see this lovely phrase referred to in Sevas Tra, the actual song from the album Ascension is a little too non-Otep for my taste. But I'm a hxc fan of their older stuff anyway. They were that band for me that kept me alive when I had nowhere else to live.
Thusly, I recommend My Confession..My link

btw, you're good,haha.


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## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

I can relate soooooooo much here. Although I'm 19 and still have my close friends, the anxiety and depression is the major thing that is taking over my life. DP is still slightly there but I find myself wallowing in myself and how shitty I feel everyday. I've been working out everyday because this anxiety has been building up in me since i was a little kid and then wham the DP hit me, and I'm still recovering. It's the worst thing anyone has to go through and I just don't get why it has to happen to us. Fighting every single day with no happiness. U know, I used to be so...much happier but I'm completely miserable.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Minerva8979 said:


> the actual song from the album Ascension is a little too non-Otep for my taste. But I'm a hxc fan of their older stuff anyway.


Same here. I think its a great track with a great great message but as a fellow fan of the "oldschool" Otep I would say that *The Ascension* was a dissapointment and is my least favorite album. Although their latest album *SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE* is pretty damn powerful. But nothing beats House Of Secrets, Sevas Tra, and Jihad.


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

Inzom said:


> But nothing beats House Of Secrets, Sevas Tra, and Jihad.


omfg, right! ^.^ This has turned into a branch thread, but I could go on and on.haha. I saw Otep live last October and they were fucking sssiick, so powerful. It was to tour for STCM but they played a lot of old stuff. It was a tiny venue so I was like 5 feet away from Otep, she had her pig head on the mic stand and shit. Oh, just beautiful. I couldve creamed my pants, but just peed a little instead. lmao


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

Brittany329 said:


> I can relate soooooooo much here. Although I'm 19 and still have my close friends, the anxiety and depression is the major thing that is taking over my life. DP is still slightly there but I find myself wallowing in myself and how shitty I feel everyday. I've been working out everyday because this anxiety has been building up in me since i was a little kid and then wham the DP hit me, and I'm still recovering. It's the worst thing anyone has to go through and I just don't get why it has to happen to us. Fighting every single day with no happiness. U know, I used to be so...much happier but I'm completely miserable.


At least youre working out! My friend who has some serious GAD works out everyday and jogs often as well, has started to eat right and actually is starting to feel like he can down dose on his xanax and klonopin. Working out is definitely his new fix since it reduces the anxiety so well. I mean it does return later in the day but it keeps it at bay for a good several hours. Warm baths are good too.


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