# Please Help me determine if this is DP/DR



## andcrew (Dec 8, 2016)

Hello everyone. For the past 2 months I have been wondering what is wrong with me and came to this forum. Can you help me determine if what I am dealing with is DP/DR based on my story and my symptoms below. Thank you

My story:

In May 2016 after a tough split up with my ex-girlfriend I was very sad and was thinking about her all day every day. With this on my mind I made a decision that I will not think about her and take control over my thoughts. This led me to start doing meditation. I did 30min a day of meditation just to quiet my mind and block incoming thoughts. Later on I would start doing visualization exercises - imagining stuff and planning the future. I was constantly looking to block all incoming thoughts about her just so that I don't feel bad. After doing 1 month of meditation I was still feeling normal, nothing really seems to have changed. I was still thinking about here every day and that made me sad. Then one day in the end of June I found the book The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I read the book for 3 days, reaching the middle of the book where something happened. I was really believing in what I was reading and was pondering on every piece of information there - that I am not my mind, I don't need an ego, I have to live in the present etc. Then on the 3rd day of reading I felt suddenly very scared and anxious. I felt something was changing within me. I got scared and went out with a friend of mine. While we were out I suddenly got a strong headache in the back of my head and felt that I was going to faint and die. After this happened the whole world felt unreal - a very strong derealisation. This is where all changed for me. After this happened I couldn't sleep for days, I couldn't think about anything, couldn't focus at all, could not meditate, basically I thought I was going crazy and felt suicidal. I couldn't follow conversations as well like I wasn't receiving the information from anything. With this happening I forgot my ex-girlfriend - as I said I was thinking about her every day all day and after this change I wasn't thinking at all about her like I couldn't connect to this pattern of thinking and it didn't bother me anymore. By that time I was in the UK but when my mother listened to what happened to me she insisted that I return home to Bulgaria. When I returned I was sent to a mental ward because of my symptoms and they diagnosed me with Psychosis, which I don't believe I had. I stayed for 2 weeks in there and was put on anti-psychotics ( Olanzapine). For about 1 month I was unable to do anything at all - neither watch TV or follow conversations like I didn't have a mind to process anything - it was really terrible. This is the beginning of my story and I want to share how I have been feeling for the past 5 months after leaving the mental ward.

Current Symptoms:

- Unability to visualise anything with my mind. I can barely see stuff in my Mind's eye and when I do it is for a moment and they are very dark and distant, whereas before I could picture a lot of stuff in my head without a problem and hold on to the images and scenes I was creating.

- Can't track time. Have a feeling that it is going too quick. Feeling timeless

- Mind is empty - no thinking about future, past or anything. When I do think I can barely hear my thoughts. They seem as they are not mine and are very distant and can't even distract me.

- Absolutely no retention of new information - I can read something whole day and won't be able to recall the information I have read about. It feels like at the moment of reading I am understanding what is said but afterwards the information doesn't end up anywhere and can only think about it when I am directly asked a question about the information, otherwise I won't be able to recall it.

- I can't get into doing anything because I don't see a point in doing anything. It is like I can't imagine why would I do a certain thing and how it can benefit me. It is like I don't have the ability to see a point in doing something.

- Disconnected from memories - they seem very distant, even yesterday seems very distant. I can't relate to my memories like they happened to somebody else.

- No inner dialogue - nothing to stimulate me to do anything with my life. Nothing to tell me 'get up you have to do that' or 'get on with your life' etc. I can stay whole day and do nothing and won't have anything in my head to tell me what I am doing is wrong, whereas before that if I am lazy for an hour my inner voice will tell me to get up and start making something with my life. It is gone now.

- Not feeling any emotions - I don't feel anger, anxiety, sadness, happiness, excitement all of them. I try even provoking them but it doesn't work, like they don't exist. I was having an anxiety disorder before this but after what happened it seems like I don't even know what anxiety is. Like I can't understand it.

- Feeling like an observer - when I watch TV or listen to music for example I can't get my mind into it. Like you know when you are listening to music and you are focused you start daydreaming and creating stuff in your mind connected to the music or have emotions. In my case it feels like I am just observing the music. I know the song which is played but that is all, can't get my mind into it.

- Nothing to speak about when I am with friends or family. I used to speak a lot before, always has a topic to share or discuss whereas now it seems like I have nothing in my mind to share, even if something comes in my head and I share it I don't feel anything towards it. Like it doesn't bring any pleasure communicating and I can't make sense of it.

- All of my dreams and ambitions has suddenly vanished and don't make sense to me. Like I can't imagine why I would want anything in the first place. Like there is nothing to be wanted from life. Can't see any positives or negatives.

- Feels like I don't exist - When I try speaking to myself in my head it seems like it doesn't resonate anywhere or have any effect. It is like I am talking to nothing if that makes sense. I used talk a lot to myself for motivation but now it doesn't make sense. Like there is nothing there to motivate or a person that I am talking to. This is very hard for me to explain, hope it made sense.

- Can't connect to the people around me - it feels like I can't make any connection or understand the people around me. Like nothing interests me or I don't care about a thing in the world.

- Feels like my mind can't be provoked by anything. I have a feeling that even if a bomb drops within 1km of me I won't care, like it won't make any impression on my mind or said in other words it is like I am not understanding or making sense of the stuff around me.

- Slight derealisation - seeing object a little bit blurred

- Feeling like I am in a dream and don't experience anything of what is happening.

- Nothing makes sense around me - I don't understand why people would work or make money or follow dreams, it feels like I can't grasp these things with my mind, like they don't exist - very hard to understand for me.

- Very bad short term and long term memory. Would also wonder if I have done something or not.

- Feels like my mind is restarting every minute. If I lose track of my thought process after 1 minute it seems like it never occurred I can't recall it

- Very hard to use my knowledge - seems like everything I have known is locked away somewhere and I can't access it. Feeling very dumb.

- I can't think properly - very hard to get any information from my head and when I want to do it hurts my head.

Please comment if you have similar symptoms or have recovered from something similar.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

hey there. first, I'd like to point out that you accidentally doubled up the post, if that makes sense. like, you said your whole piece, and then you kind of pasted the whole thing over again at the end? if you have the energy to edit it, I think it would help others read it better.

second, and I know this is a little rude, but I find it sort of fascinating that this started with meditation for you. considering how very often it is advocated as a solution, both on here and out in the world, it is almost a relief to have my suspicions validated that meditation and depersonalization are points on the same line.

finally, I can empathize with some of your symptoms. unfortunately something came up in the middle of typing this and I am no longer able to elaborate further at this time.


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## TK! (Nov 24, 2016)

Hi! Yeah like tfiio said please edit your post if possible.

Anyway, yeah your symptoms pretty much indicate you have textbook DPDR. I have almost all of the symptoms you're experiencing, and so do a lot of people on this forum. You're not alone! I also went through a tough breakup this past year, and I got real depressed and I was constantly thinking about her, but the same exact thing happened to me in that when DP came on I completely stopped thinking about that situation and it didnt even bother me. Thats what dp does; it tries to protect you from all the stress you're facing in your life by basically detaching you from your reality/current situation. Shitty defense mechanism if you ask me.

Basically though, no one has ever died from DP, and most people don't need to be hospitalized, certainly not a psychiatric ward. It's honestly nothing to be scared of. It doesn't physically stop you from doing anything. If you're able to view it as simply an annoyance rather than a sign you're going crazy (you're not going crazy) it makes it much easier to deal with, and increases your chances of recovery.


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## TDX (Jul 12, 2014)

> I also went through a tough breakup this past year, and I got real depressed and I was constantly thinking about her, but the same exact thing happened to me in that when DP came on I completely stopped thinking about that situation and it didnt even bother me. Thats what dp does; it tries to protect you from all the stress you're facing in your life by basically detaching you from your reality/current situation. Shitty defense mechanism if you ask me.


I'm always puzzled how people conclude from "thinking too much" -> "can't think anymore" that this symptom is a defense mechanism. For example if you see a very bright light and you cannot see afterwards would you say it's a defense mechanism?



> Basically though, no one has ever died from DP


Both on this forum and in the literature suicides because of depersonalization disorder were reported.



> It's honestly nothing to be scared of. It doesn't physically stop you from doing anything. If you're able to view it as simply an annoyance rather than a sign you're going crazy (you're not going crazy) it makes it much easier to deal with, and increases your chances of recovery.


One of his (and my) symptoms is anhedonia, which means that he is sentenced to a life without joy, bliss, contentment and the pursuit of happiness. I cannot understand how people can view this as just an "annoyance", especially if they claim to have experienced this symptom. The same goes for all his other devastating symptoms.


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## TK! (Nov 24, 2016)

TDX said:


> I'm always puzzled how people conclude from "thinking too much" -> "can't think anymore" that this symptom is a defense mechanism. For example if you see a very bright light and you cannot see afterwards would you say it's a defense mechanism?


I was thinking too much about things I couldn't change which just increased the amount of stress in my life, of which there was a lot for many reasons at the time. I've seen DPDR referred to as a biological defense mechanism to protect the brain from more stress, sort of a permanent "flight" response. A lot of people have said and that makes sense to me.



TDX said:


> Both on this forum and in the literature suicides because of depersonalization disorder were reported.


I do regret wording that statement the way I did. I was trying to make the point that dpdr isn't inherently a dangerous thing or a sign that your brain is deteriorating. Could have said it better.



TDX said:


> One of his (and my) symptoms is anhedonia, which means that he is sentenced to a life without joy, bliss, contentment and the pursuit of happiness. I cannot understand how people can view this as just an "annoyance", especially if they claim to have experienced this symptom. The same goes for all his other devastating symptoms.


I have absolutely experienced that, and I still do to some extent but not nearly as strongly or as consistently as it was in the beginning. I really don't know why it subsided besides a change in mindset; instilling the confidence in myself to continue to do things I did enjoy in the hopes it would subside. Maybe I could attribute it to changing my diet and incorporating supplements, but the mind is a powerful thing.


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## Hellome (Sep 29, 2016)

Hi... I'm experiencing the same type of "Dp/Dr" as you... I wish people such as Eckhart Tolle and other spiritual people would warn viewers/readers of the potential to devastate people's lives before spewing their agenda onto everyone... I would never have wanfed this life for myself


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## Hellome (Sep 29, 2016)

This happened to me after an ecstasy experience more than 3 months ago and it's torturing me. Do you feel groggy in the morning/sleepy at night?


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## andcrew (Dec 8, 2016)

Sorry for the double post I just fixed that.

Tfiio, I don't believe that my DP started from the meditation, I think it started from the realizations that I had from the book The Power Of Now.



Hellome said:


> This happened to me after an ecstasy experience more than 3 months ago and it's torturing me. Do you feel groggy in the morning/sleepy at night?


No I don't actually. It is very strange. Do you have it yourself?

Does anyone know if someone has recovered or is improving with this kind of DP/DR and how did they do it. Thanks


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Andcrew, your story really resonates with me... I "feel" exactly the same and it's awful


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## thy (Oct 7, 2015)

This sounds very like DPDR. Seems like meditation can really contribute to feelings of DP. I think it may have been a factor in me getting it. I think meditation can often be quite dangerous if its not practiced in the right way.


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## andcrew (Dec 8, 2016)

thy said:


> This sounds very like DPDR. Seems like meditation can really contribute to feelings of DP. I think it may have been a factor in me getting it. I think meditation can often be quite dangerous if its not practiced in the right way.


Have you had the same type of Dp/Dr and did you manage to improve or fully recover from it


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

I was doing intensive meditation earlier in the year and it was terrible. Why don't people warn about the dangers of spiritual practice?


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