# Please help !! Anxiety, Depersonalization and relationship problem



## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

Please help me! I'm wondering if this sounds like depersonalization to you guys? I'm pretty much desperate so bear with my freaking out and sorry for the lengthy post.. I tend to try to give a lot of details.

It's like I can't feel anything for the things I WANT. If you do what you want to do in life and if you're a situation you'd normally be happy about aren't you supposed to feel it?!?! I can't feel anything!

I'm so frustrated already because I can't feel for the things that I WANT to feel like I'm enjoying doing.. especially for my boyfriend...

I love him. I KNOW I DO! I get pissed off if someone is telling me that I don't love him. That's enough to be convinced that I love him right? But why is it I can't feel anything for him or anything else that I love but I know I LOVE THEM! It's so frustrating it makes me want to cry all the time..

This is my situation.. I WANT TO DO THINGS, I want to be with people,I love people, I'm supposed to enjoy things.. BUT EVEN IF I GET WHAT I WANT I STILL CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.. Which makes me think that I DON'T WANT IT or I DON'T LOVE THEM.. because I don't feel anything about it or about them.. it's so crazy I don't know what to do anymore...Any advice on this?

It's like out of the blue this happened to me after a health scare. (I freaked out about having hemmorrhoids, I thought it was a cancer or something.. my feelings disappeared right after I calmed down from the freaking out because of the bump. But that's not the only time I worried immensely about my health. I've had quite a few scares even ever since I was a kid.. I'm always so paranoid about my health.. I don't like it when I feel like something's wrong with me)

I remember tweeting last Jan 22 "This is the best day ever! Thanks babe! I love you so much!" And then the feeling just "MAGICALLY" disappeared EXACTLY a week after Jan 29 is when I noticed I don't feel anything or I don't feel the same anymore... Help! How do I become myself again? Does anyone else feel this way?!

Is this still a part of depersonalization?

is there no way that my feelings can come back on its own? I really wish it would..

I have another question.. Anxiety can amplify a really small problem right? Is it possible that I actually feel something but I think I don't ? Because I have these 'gut feelings' I don't really feel them but like... I feel like I should hug this person, say this, do that and it feels right but I don't actually "feel anything" I'm not sure if you get what I mean but something inside me tells me to do something and that's what steers my life right now.. I hope someone gets it. I mean.. What else will I follow? I'm an impulsive person and all that's why I let my feelings do the moving and talking and stuff but now I can't feel anything something inside me just tells me to do this or that... Are those my feelings being blocked by something or...? I don't know... it's weird. A lot of people tell me I'm over thinking it.. I'm always trying to look for my feelings and stuff like that... I always LOOK for it before I do anything... I always anticipate my feelings ever since I noticed I didn't feel the same anymore... I'm not sure if it's come back but I think I don't feel anything or I still don't feel anything at all. A lot of people are telling me to embrace the feeling of not feeling anything or feeling 'out of it' and things would just fall into place.. And some people are also telling me it's all in my head. They said the mind is a powerful tool that's why it can make small problems seem really big... Which is what I do a lot so I'm just wondering if there's anything I need to worry about..

Here in my country, it's very rare that people see therapists and psychiatrists.. although, I've been to two already... They say it's anxiety related.

Sometimes when I try not to think about it... I get anxious because people say it will get better if I get it out of my head and focus on what's real in my life and like "GO WITH THE FLOW" but ugh.. it's so hard to stop thinking about it when you feel nothing for anything every single day. Sometimes I try to divert my attention away but it gets me more panicky if I stop thinking about it and STILL can't feel anything...

Help! Please... I need some advice...

And please don't say "you must not love him anymore." THIS 1 YEAR RELATIONSHIP CAN'T BE LIKE THIS IN A WEEK. I was in a 4 year relationship once and even months after I wasn't over him yet just PROOF that I'm not that kind of person. And plus, I wouldn't be killing myself worrying about this if I really didn't love him anymore.

MY BIG QUESTION IS: WHAT DO I DO NOW? HOW DO I GET MY FEELINGS BACK FOR HIM.. THAT'S THE ONLY THING I WANT TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW (

Let me share my almost exact feelings that I found on the net: 
You feel you have no more emotions whether positive or negative. You just feel "blah" about life. It can be distressing when you KNOW you care about somethings but you don't FEEL anything about it now.
Emotions may also come and go for no reason. You know you feel something in your head, but can't find it in your heart. You may also not care about anything anymore. in a sense, you have NO emotions about anything or things you used to.

I don't understand how I can WANT something but not feel anything for it.. and the ONLY THING I WANT is to feel love for him again because I KNOW I love him and something just isn't right about not feeling love for him and I KNOW it's not because I fell out of love with him because I can't feel for some places and events as well.. is it just the DP? I just really want to be connected with my feelings for him again. THAT'S THE ONLY EFFING THING I WANT IN THIS WORLD why can't I feel for it ( It's so frustrating..It's sucking the happiness out of me! I'd rather be emotionless than leave him so that must mean I love him.. and I know I do.. I love him so much! BUT UGH.. Not feeling anything is making me think that I don't even when I DO! ASDFGHJKL

Please help!!


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

We had no relationship problems before this happened and I'm very much DEEPLY in love with him so I can't and won't accept that I've fallen out of love with him in a week. I was so SHOCKED when I felt differently (or more like nothing) about him.. It came by so fast! I always have a hard time getting over someone I truly love (and yes, I truly love him, I'm the clingy, obsessive, possessive and jealous-type of girlfriend..)

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be happy again with him.. I want my feelings back. Please help me..


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Hey Nikorii,

I know this sounds blabla-like, but I know EXACTLY how you're feeling right now. The exact situation you are talking about happened to me about a year ago.

I was already engaged at that time, had the most wonderful relationship possible (of 5 happy years) and one could say the only reason I got out of bed each day despite of DP was HIM.

With no reason, I felt anxious when thinking about our marriage. I did not pay much attention to this, as I am a complete decision-and-change-phobic until this 'special' day when suddenly, just out of the blue, the thought: "Or do I simply not love him anymore?" popped into my head. I freaked out. I cried the whole evening. I consulted each and every available forum about this topis. I shivered on the thought of meeting him and feeling nothing. I couldn't eat well for weeks. It was the most horrible experience I ever had and I 'wished' for life-long DP if I could just have my feelings for him back. Sounds similar, right?

Well, to cut a long story short: Loss of feelings is of course DP, but I guess in this case it is something different (NO, I will not tell you you do not love him anymore, caus you do







) which is connected to anxiety: It is ROCD.

Just google it. You will feel so deep relief just knowing you are not alone and it is an illness.

I am still struggling after over a year, this is a tough one to tackle (to me, it is even harder than DP itself), but you can and will get better (Promise!)

If you have any questions or just want to vent, feel free to contact me


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi! What helps you FEEL more? I mean.. yeah.
Um, also.. I'm wondering how feeling again feels like (confusing, I know)I just don't remember how to feel the things I used to feel because that was automatic before.. now I KNOW how they felt but I don't know how to feel it again. You get what I mean?

Once I recover will I get used to the 'not feeling anything' and continue to feel hollow inside because that's the thing I've been used to ever since DP hit me or will I feel again like I used to?

If anyone else can answer this please please please do! I've been so scared (even if I can't feel it, I just know I am)


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Nikorii said:


> Once I recover will I get used to the 'not feeling anything' and continue to feel hollow inside because that's the thing I've been used to ever since DP hit me or will I feel again like I used to?


You will feel again like you used to...your emotions will come back again as they were before...and chances are your experiences with DP/DR will seem like all but a faint memory...


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

The only way -for me personally- to FEEL more is to accept feeling nothing and not to be afraid of this numbness. This is sooo damn tough when it comes to the person closest to you, I know that.

It would be a lie to tell you that I feel the same again (I am still DP'ed, btw), but there are good phases, in which feelings get stronger again.There are also bad phases, like at the moment, when I am back to sqare one, doubting and questioning every tiny piece of emotion, analysing it to the point of exhaustion and freaking out or getting depressed because of this numbness towards the person which meant/means the world to me.

But you will learn to handle it, I am sure


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

I actually do have those days when I feel like I have more feelings than other days. It's just been hard to live when you know you WANT only one person, and only one thing -- that is to get better from this and live like I have before. It's distressing, really.. when I can't even come back to the feelings that I've felt the whole day. It makes it hard to remember events because I can't feel for any event, place, person.. it scares me because I feel like its attached itself to me and I'm scared I'll be this way forever. :'(

What can I do to make it go away?


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

insaticiable said:


> You will feel again like you used to...your emotions will come back again as they were before...and chances are your experiences with DP/DR will seem like all but a faint memory...


What will help me regain my old self? Or take a U-TURN and feel the emotions I had before? I really want to fast forward to recovery and be happy again.. What are the 'stages' or the 'checkpoints' of knowing you're on your way to recovery?


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## ItalioRican (May 7, 2012)

Nikorii said:


> What will help me regain my old self? Or take a U-TURN and feel the emotions I had before? I really want to fast forward to recovery and be happy again.. What are the 'stages' or the 'checkpoints' of knowing you're on your way to recovery?


This isnt something you can just fast forward! I mean if your only symptom is that you feel numb around your boyfriend, then i dont even know if i would call it dp/dr.. not trying to sound like an asshole.. what are some other things you experience? anything else? Here is what i go through on a daily basis, and keep in mind this shit is constantly changing on me..

-Dream like state, feels like im constantly hallucinating or stuck in a bad trip
-Family and friends appear 2d to me, like ive never seen a human face before
-Feeling like im stuck in a bubble that i cant pop
-Like theres a fence or a wall wrapped around my brain that my thoughts and images keep crashing into
-Constantly chasing that one good thought that will give you some kind of excitement that usually only lasts for 10 seconds and you try to hold onto it over and over but nothing happens
-Asking myself retarded questions like "am i really going to live life looking through these eyes for the rest of my life" or "holy shit, im me!?!? how the fuck" 
-Being really fuckin aware that im alive, hits me in waves over and over again..
-Numb,no emotion.. none of the "I want" feelings, constantly looking at other people trying to figure out what their thinking and how their percieving "reality"

i know this shit sounds rediculous, and you may experience it too.. but if not im sure many other people on this site understand what im going through and talking about! i do however hope you feel better and get over this!!


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

If you just have these thoughts connected to your boyfriend and feel numb around HIM (and nowhere esle) it is probably just the ROCD- Relationship obsessive compulive disorder. And it IS distressing (I know what I am talking about since I have DP for 2 years and ROCD for over a year now).

Unfortunately, there is no fast solution to this problem. You have to read about it, inform yourself and understand how it works.

It is hard to deal with it, but I am convinced it is possible!

Good luck to you


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

I'm not numb JUST around my boyfriend.. even during BIG events in my life, I still can't seem to feel what I should feel for it. Like my birthday.. everything was so foggy and numb that night even if I'm always so happy when there's like a drinking event with my friends. I was around ALL The people I love but I still couldn't feel SHIT!







Even during my graduation, I was leaving people that I've been with for 14 years and it just felt like a blank line.. It was like blah..


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

and I don't have 'negative' thoughts about him. Here's how I can explain it.. um..

I love him, and I know I do because I've gone through so much to prove that I love him and I want to be with him forever. But ever since that health scare I couldn't seem to feel anything, I felt hollow and numb around him and around other people I'm used to feeling happy and excited with. The numb feeling is making me THINK I don't love him (because obviously, I can't feel anything for him) but I really DO. I know myself well enough to know when I love a person and when I don't but it's just so frustrating how I can't feel it! I feel like there's something blocking my feelings or there's a HUGE blanket of numbness over me..









Everyday I think about how I'm feeling about him and everyday I'm desperately wishing for it to come back. I don't want to be with anybody else and if ever he leaves me I'd rather feel numb like this because I don't want to feel for anyone else but him..

It really is a stressful time for me and I hope this will pass. I hope that my feelings for him and everything and everyone I love will come back again..


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

My feelings have steered my life for as long as I remember. I'm the type of person who goes with what I feel and acts accordingly... now that I can't feel much there's just something inside me that makes me do it and I don't know what it is. Something inside me tells me to hug my boyfriend even if I can't feel anything and I do hug him and it feels right but not in a sense that I can feel anything it just seems right to do that because I love him.

And when something inside me tells me to say "I love you." to him, I say it and I know I mean it but I can't feel anything still..

What does this mean?







( I'm so confused..


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## Cris013 (Apr 22, 2012)

You just need to Lear your mind , your worrying too much, your only making it worse! 
Just relax and think about everything positively !! 
Meditate!!!!!! It cures!! 
The cure is within.... Not prescribed drugs !! 
The human body does amazing things ! It can cure itself just give it the tools to help your body out !
You will overcome it !!!


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

It's just really hard sometimes... even if I take my mind off it or direct my attention to something else. It still seems to be there. It's like stuck to me like glue and it's hard to imagine how I'd feel without it. It's like one big blanket of numb has come over me..

How does recovering feel? How do you know when you're on the way to feeling better? Like it said in the book, one can't recover overnight.. so how will my feelings come back to me?

Sorry again.. I really have so many questions because I want to understand as much as I can.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Nikorii said:


> My feelings have steered my life for as long as I remember. I'm the type of person who goes with what I feel and acts accordingly... now that I can't feel much there's just something inside me that makes me do it and I don't know what it is. Something inside me tells me to hug my boyfriend even if I can't feel anything and I do hug him and it feels right but not in a sense that I can feel anything it just seems right to do that because I love him.
> 
> And when something inside me tells me to say "I love you." to him, I say it and I know I mean it but I can't feel anything still..
> 
> ...


I know EXACTLY what you mean. Really.

It is as if something in me just KNOWS what I feel, but I do not feel it on an emotional level. I have recently lost an animal I loved a lot and I KNOW I am sad about it, but yet I do not feel anything. I also always acted on my feelings... now that they are covered, it is extremely hard for me to make live-changing decisions. Something deep inside of me KNOWS what I want, but my feelings do not fit to this knowledge. Then I start doubting: Am I doing what I really want? Is this the right decision???

I know how terrible that feels. The only advice I can give you, is to listen to that inner voice and make your way, not matter what your numbness tells you.


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

I really hope that inner voice is my hidden feelings talking /sigh

I have a problem, when I'm around him I mindlessly search for my feelings for him. It's like my body knows there are supposed to be feelings there for him but it's not there because of the DP and I start to get anxious because of the lack of feelings.. I want to stay calm whenever I'm around him but then it's like my body can sense that there's something wrong and there's something that has to be there.. I'm scared I can't recover because of this. I always try not to think about whether my feelings are there or not whenever I'm with him but it's like automatic in my system to search for the feelings I KNOW I should have but don't.. and it sends me into panic mode not feeling those feelings..How do I stop this? I want to be with him and love him without having problems being scared because I can't feel anything. Any advice?

Help







I don't want to panic anymore about not feeling anything for him. I know I love him.. I love him so much.. There are better days and there are bad days with this DP..


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

I really know where you are coming from, girl









It has been over a year now for me and at the moment, things are tougher than usual. But I will hang in there and so will you









I find myself asking questions... on good days I only ask a few. Let's say... 10?! But on bad days, the continuous questions torture me around the clock and I know it is NOT nice: Is it love that I am feeling or am I just dependent? Does the fact that I want to go out with my friends alone mean I do not love him enough? Did I find his smile cute? Did I really want to kiss him or did I just pretent?

Then, in an unexpected moment... I feel this warmth rushing through my body when I look at him... this feeling of deep connection... of love... And then I am overwhelmed by feelings of happyness until... yes, until I start to question again: Do you just feel so happy because you are too afraid to start all over again? Was this feeling really that intense? Did just WANT to feel like that?

OCD is a bitch









Don't forget: No matter how your DP makes you feel: It is YOUR VERY OWN DECISION what you do!


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

Gypsy85 said:


> I really know where you are coming from, girl
> 
> 
> 
> ...


But the thing is I barely feel anything.. I only feel a little sparkle of love sometimes at random moments and I hold on to those moments. I treat it as hope for me to know that I will get my strong feelings back again.

And it's not that I feel completely nothing. It's a WEIRD feeling that I can't explain. It's like a feeling I've never felt before.. It's a numbness that I feel shouldn't be there. Everything doesn't feel NATURAL. There. That's the word. Everything feels unnatural and unreal...and my body feels as if there's something really wrong with the way I'm feeling..


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Yeah, this is exactly it. I don't feel anything most of the time either. It is as if I don't enjoy stuff, I don't feel connected to others and mostly, I do not want to do anything -I just do not have the motivation. I do things nevertheless and just at a certain point, I feel those feelings I should have had in those situations. Sometimes minutes later, sometimes days laters, sometimes even weeks later.

We are in the same boat, believe me :/

As far as your bf is concerned, you feel so little because you are AFRAID of not feeling anything. I am sure in those hard times he is the best in your life, your pillor of strength and you are sure no relationship will be that great again. You are AFRAID you will lose this... so your mind tortures you with these questions and difficult feelings.

Hang in there. Do not try to force feelings to come (they will get less then). Do what you WANT to do (kiss him, cuddle him, do what you WANT, not what your strange feelings tell you). The anxiety will settle down and your feelings will get stronger again.

But please, do not expect them to become "normal" soon. This takes time.


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

. I am sure in those hard times he is the best in your life, your pillor of strength and you are sure no relationship will be that great again. You are AFRAID you will lose this... so your mind tortures you with these questions and difficult feelings. - This is absolutely true because I know that I love him but the feelings are... missing!!

So... I should do what I WANT and not act upon how I feel since it's not 'okay' or 'normal' right now? Yeah.. there really is something wrong with following the way i 'do not feel' at the moment. It's like... I WANT to hug him cuddle him and stuff but I don't feel like it but I know I want to.. it's like my mind is making me believe I don't want to but I actually really do.

I also doubt it's not a good time to make life-changing decisions either. I don't WANT to leave him, I love him so much, really.. but not feeling anything and feeling weird and numb is making my mind thing that I don't care anymore or something like that but I do care.. I want so much to care and love it's just that I can't feel it!! And it's like pushing me to make a desicion whether or not to stay with him because I really do love him or leave because I can't feel anything but UGH.. The thought of leaving him makes me sick!!! I feel like if I do that I'd rather have DP than leave him!! That's the last thing I want on this earth, really.. This is a horrible horrible thought that I would never want to think again but feeling numb and distanced from the world makes me feel like I don't care about anyone or anything anymore!! You're right.. DP leaves me unmotivated and dull!

There's something DEEP inside me that's telling me that it will be the BIGGEST mistake of my life and that I shouldn't follow the non-feeling anything because I really do love him anyway.. it's just that things aren't doing okay right now with my feelings.. but he's been what's keeping me going, what's keeping me happy for a whole year or so and in 1 week it just dissolved without reason!! It's so unreasonable and I have no other reason to leave but not feeling anything.. I find it unfair and ugh.. the thoughts become unbearable sometimes..

I want to feel love for him, really.. it's the ONLY thing i want in this life right now. Not money, not jewelry, not clothes but to feel love for him again.. How can I not love him if this is the only thing I want? See? My feelings are out of sync with myself.. Sigh..

So I just have to do what I want and not follow my feelings as of the moment... ?

Sometimes, I don't mean to be afraid of not feeling anything but when the time comes that I have to hug or kiss him.. my body automatically searches for those feelings and when it finds it not there.. my anxiety goes up and the thoughts start up again but seriously.. I don't want to look for the feelings.. it's like my mind does it on its own !! How do I stop this? I just want to forget about the DP and live my life.. on the road to recovery.. like.. take my mind off it and help myself get better but this automatic system in my head in which it constantly searches for my feelings won't let it be!


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Nikorii said:


> I feel like if I do that I'd rather have DP than leave him!!


OMG!!!!





















These are MY words!! When I first got those thoughts I came here and begged for help: Please, dont' take him away from me, don't take him away from me!! I'd prefer having DP for the rest of my life to the mere thought of losing him. I really know how you are feeling right now.

I do not want to scare you, but the problem is: You will never know if it is the DP or yourself. This is the very essence of this disorder... it cuts your self away... Please, don't try to figure things out, that will just make things worse. You will lose yourself into constant checking, analysing and questioning and you will be left even more irritated and confused.

As I am struggling myself (some days are better, some are worse), I cannot tell you how to get rid of the problem, but I can give you some advice on how to handle it:

Don't question. Don't analyse. Don't try to prove your love. You cannot solve an emotional problem with your head.

Make a decision. No matter how you feel about it, just make the decision you WANT. Stick to that decision.

Love is not just a feeling. Well, of course it is, but more importantly, it is a decision- the decision to spend one's life with THIS person. It is your very own decision how much feelings you need in order to decide to stay with this person.

So basically, my advice would be:
Decide that you love him. You cannot control your thoughts (especially not, if they are anxiety-related or OCB), but you can control your actions. Do what you WANT. Always. Ignore the terrible feeling that tries to tell you, that you do not really want that. If you didn't you wouldn't suffer so much . Fact!

Whenever your head tries to test you: Why didn't I have this special feeling when he touched me? Is this really the DP? Am I losing my love to him? What is wrong? Say STOP!! "I have made a decision." DONE.

Do this again and again and again... One day, when you just don't expect it, you will get a glimpse of your feelings again!


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

"You will never know if it is the DP or yourself. "

So you're saying it might not be the DP? But DP CAN cause this lack of feeling, right? I'm scared now







( More anxious huhuh..

This is the thing I'm scared of !! I'm constantly wondering if I still have DP or not.. I'm checking for other symtpoms other than feeling numb to know that it's not just ME who can't feel anything but the sickness doing it to my. Really, I'd rather feel the DP than not feel anything at all for him when I'm normal.

I DO love him.. I'm going to do what I want and go against the numbness I feel and hopefully things get better. /sigh/

And do the feelings really come back when you've recovered ?







I really want to hear of someone who has experienced the same thing as us and got her feelings back..

I'm also afraid of not knowing how reality is anymore because i've been this way for as long as 5months now and I'm not sure how to feel "normal" anymore.. It's such a scary feeling.. When will I know that I'm okay? How can I tell if I'm back to normal again? Honestly, I don't want to consider myself recovered until i can feel for him again..


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Of course it is the DP (and the resulting ROCD), but you won't be able to PROVE that. So just don't try, honestly.

The fact that these thoughts frighten you that much shall be proof enough, right?









Lean back and relax: Everything is fine! No ones loses his/her love in a second.


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

"The fact that these thoughts frighten you that much shall be proof enough, right?" 
- I'm sorry I'm kind of slow tonight.. what does this mean..exactly? hehe..

and also, will this DP change me? Like how I feel about things? Since I've felt this way for such a long time will this feeling stick onto me even if I'm okay already? Has it permanently dulled my feelings or will I have a chance or possibility to regain all of my original feelings when I'm better? I really do hope so.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thoughts that are not connected to danger, but nevertheless cause anxiety can be labelled "false emotions".

Example: If you are driving fast towards a wall and the driver does not try to stop and you think "Oh my god,we will have an accident!!!" this thought will cause anxiety, because there is a dangerous situation.

If you think "I do not love my boyfriend anymore", your life is not in danger. If you nevertheless feel fear, you know it is a false emotion. It is caused by your anxiety/DP/ROCD.

No one who really doesn't care about her boyfriend anymore panics or feels so much unease when thinking such things. Why should she?!??!??!?

Regarding your question about your feelings coming back completely after DP, please ask someone else, because I haven't recovered yet


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## Nikorii (Jun 23, 2012)

Hmm,.. I see..
Today I felt a really weird sensation, like I could feel stuff in my gut (like butterflies in my stomach) when he does something sweet but I can't feel it in my chest, like my chest is hollow or something.. it's like they're two completely different things and not connected..

I hope this can help start up some real feelings.


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