# my aunt just died, but I'm completely dead inside



## DeVoid (Feb 17, 2010)

My aunt (my mom's sister) passed away suddenly last week, and I am absolutely stunned at how little I can feel toward this event. She was 78, and died from complications of lung cancer (pneumonia). She was nothing but loving, giving and caring toward me and she always sent me cards for Christmas and birthdays even when I was never around, saying that she hopes to see me soon. I've been a recluse for the past 5+ years and stopped attending family gatherings because of my DP/DR, depression, and social anxiety (see this thread for my background info).

As many people know, the inability to feel emotions deeply is a common symptom of DP/DR. When I have depression in combination with DP/DR (which I have pretty badly right now), my emotions are totally and completely gone, at a very fundamental level. I literally cannot feel a thing. However, I always thought that if something like this happened, I'd be able to make some kind of connection and feel something like sadness or guilt. That is not the case... I haven't been able to feel a single thing about my aunt passing, and it's kind of scary.

Now I'm faced with the possibility of going to her funeral (which is Wednesday). Part of me would like to show my face. I know how much she meant to me in the past, and I want to pay my respects. But at the same time, going to a funeral when you are completely dead inside is difficult. How do you express sympathy or try to console her family (namely her husband and 2 grown children) when you don't feel anything? It would just be fake, and very uncomfortable. What would I say?

I haven't seen my immediate family in 5 years, and some in a lot longer. There will be many people there that I haven't seen in years, and that alone makes me uncomfortable. I have emailed my cousin (my aunt's daughter) off and on for the past few years, and she is aware of my problems. I was close to attending a family gathering last year (Thanksgiving), but I decided not to at the last minute. The worst thing though is that when my aunt was dying with cancer, my other cousin (her son) emailed me and asked if I would consider visiting her after Christmas. I said I would, but I never did. This is something I should feel very guilty about, but unfortunately I can't even feel that.

If I go to the funeral, it wouldn't make up for not visiting her, but at least I would show them that I care. I don't want my family to hate me, and to think my aunt meant nothing to me. At the same time, I have these issues which make it extremely difficult for me. Is there an alternative to attending the funeral? Sending sympathy cards? I don't know if that would mean as much. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

DeVoid said:


> If I go to the funeral, it wouldn't make up for not visiting her, but at least I would show them that I care. I don't want my family to hate me, and to think my aunt meant nothing to me.


You say that you don't feel guilty but should be. Well, sounds to me like you are feeling guilty just you're very detached from it. So rather than feeling it you're thinking it. It is natural to think this way but try not to judge yourself so harshly.

For what it 's worth I am sorry for yor loss


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## Anla (May 1, 2007)

Funerals are hard to do. You say your cousin knows about your problems. Can you go, do the funeral, remind the family members of the meaning of your aunt to you and your life. Then leave when you become too uncomfortable. I fully understand what you wrote, and have experienced it several times. Very close friends, a dear cousin, and even my dearly-loved daddy. And my emotions were buried, and remain so. This is no way to live!


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