# Not caring ruined my relationship...and I still don't care.



## baddream13 (Sep 10, 2005)

I could use some advice from someone.

It seems that my boyfriend and I have just broken up. He told me that he's so tired of me being cold and indifferent to him and his feelings all the time, and he can't take it any more. He said he doesn't love me any more because he can't stand having his heart ripped out anymore. We have been fighting constantly because for some reason I just can't fight for him. If something about my behavior bothers him, I tell him just to leave.....and I honestly don't feel ANYTHING. Now that he told me he doesn't love me anymore, I have sunk even deeper into a state of complete and total indifference. I can't feel anything, not a thing. I'm so tired of being numb to things that should bother me. This is exactly why he's had it with me, because I can't just say "I don't want you to leave me, I love you, please stay" because I honestly don't feel it. It sucks because he's actually a really good guy, and he treats me very well. I just CANNOT feel anything toward him. I DID love him a lot, towards the beginning. But falling deeper and deeper into my dp/dr has been ruining everything.

Is having a healthy relationship just not going to happen for me because of this? I know what's secretely going on in my head, I know something is blocking the positive emotions in my brain in order not to be let down or disappointed by them. I'm pretty sure I did it myself, that I placed the barriers there willingly. I just don't know how to turn it off, I don't know how to unblock the barrier. I've forgotten how to care about things and people.

Lately, I've been trying to be affectionate with my boyfriend, and he hasn't caught on to anything, but the affection felt false to me. I was constantly bothered by this voice in my head (not a real, hallucinogenic voice, just like a Jiminy Cricket voice) calling me a fraud, and shaming me for trying to pretend I care just to make someone happy.

I can't help thinking that I'll be happier on my own. This probably won't be true, but I just can't help thinking and looking forward to being alone all the time. I know that's not healthy.

I have no friends. None. I decided years ago that I didn't want any because they're just a pain in the butt, so I haven't had any since. This really doesn't bother me the least bit, but what DOES bother me is that I know it probably SHOULD bother me. but it doesn't. I think back to when I was in high school (a whopping 10 years ago), and how outgoing I was and how many friends I had, and I wonder exactly when and why all that did a complete 180 on me. The past 10 years has really been very bad for me, just a steady tumble into a downward spiral. I'm really starting to see the light at the top of the tunnel fade away.

All these dark, dismal thoughts, and I still can't feel a single emotion. I feel oddly content, almost like being stoned. I'm trying to mentally slap myself out of it, but I can't.

I lost my boyfriend because I can't feel love for him. I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be most helpful.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


----------



## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

You sound like a person who finds it very easy to talk about her feelings, so I would strongly recommend you get into psychotherapy with a therapist with whom you can explore the things you wrote about.

See "Types of Psychological Treatment" at 
http://www.guidetopsychology.com/txtypes.htm for some information about types of therapy.


----------



## andymania (Mar 19, 2005)

Yeah, Psychotherapy sounds like a great place to start.


----------



## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I agree and think therapy is a good idea. I also want to say though that I understand this symptom. Feeling numb and not feeling love for family and friends is by far the absolute worst part of this for me... but it has gotten better lately... This is what seemed to help a bit for me... The thing is.... the more I concentrated on it and thought about how numb I felt... the more anxious I would become... which then increased my dp and made the numbness even worse. :roll: I try and occupy my mind when the numb feelings start bothering me and seems as the less I focus on them, the more my feelings come back. I am now able to feel sadness and pain... and sometimes happiness. I still feel very disconnected though and never feel at peace, so it hasnt completely cured this symptom... but any improvment means a lot to me... I hope that made sense and might help you a bit. Take care and try not to get to upset with yourself.. you can not help this and it might not be the best time for you to be in a relationship... especially with someone who can not completely understand what you are going through.. good luck and hope you feel better soon.


----------



## Blake (Aug 10, 2004)

Hello
I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for what you are going through. Ive lost a lot of friends and loved ones in my 5 years of dp. I have been in the "I love you but I cant feel anything" situation before and its horrifying. According to me, there is NO way to explain DP to non-DP people. You can try but its like explaining blue to a blind person. Again, according to me. Your case may be different. I guess what I wanted to tell you is that I have lost a lot people (nearly all my friends are "waiting" for me to get "better") and it hurts still. But you can't let that slow you down in trying to reengage life. You are still very much alive, you just cant feel it right now.

I would say Im 95% recovered now and the thing that turned the tide for me was not medicine, but talking to someone about dp. I found that there was a lot of things that fed my dp and i was able to untangle them. If you can afford it, think about seeing someone.

Also, the book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" which is available at Barnes and Nobles and any giant book store, reaaaaaalllllyyyy helped me out. The skills in it help to keep you 'grounded' and 'in the moment'. I started to be able to manage my dp, versus being a slave to it. Anyway, Im rambling now but check that book out and try to stay 'in' your life no matter how shitty you feel. The more you withdraw, the worse your dp gets. so if you have any questions about that book or whatever, write back.

Your friend,
Blake


----------



## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Blake said:


> there is NO way to explain DP to non-DP people. You can try but its like explaining blue to a blind person.


Exactly.


----------



## mazeball (Sep 21, 2005)

I'm experiencing those same feelings these days and it is causing a breakdown in my current relationship. I try so hard to care because I feel that I should (like you said) and I don't know why I don't care. I feel very badly cause she is a wonderful person and I did have strong feelings for her at one time, and now we just kind of drift through the routine together. I'm trying to spark the fire but as you said also it feels fake and insincere. As for advice......maybe you and I should just accept that right now is not the time to be in a relationship if we can't put our hearts into it. it's always easier said than done, and I don't want to be alone cause the routine is safe for me but that safety isn't helping any. Also I think you need to really try and rediscover anything that once gave you joy, any hobbies, books, movies, music,art, whatever and it would be healthy to try and find some kind of companion(s) who have these same interests. that's what I'm trying to do. I hope it works out for you.


----------



## baddream13 (Sep 10, 2005)

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. It's so nice to know that other people go through the same messed up sh*t that goes on in my head. It's weird though, since I last posted this, my dp/dr lifted. I think that's the scariest thing of all. Mine goes away and comes back with such abruptness that it's always so unsettling when the tide turns, so I'm in a constant state of readiness.

Now that it's lifted, I'm thinking "man, what was all the fuss about? I can turn it off whenever I want" Which is what I ALWAYS think when it goes away. But when it comes back, I'm always in the mind frame that "this is how I feel ALL the time, and it sucks but there's nothing I can do about it". Does anyone else here feel like that? Like some sort of psychosomatic amnesia, where you can't seem to remember ever feeling good or feeling bad if you're in the opposite mind frame? It also doesn't help when I'm feeling the effects of dp, and my boyfriend tells me "you're like this all the time, we always fight because of this". I'm constantly asking him not to exaggerate, and to please try to remember that there ARE good times too, because I NEED to remember that I do have good moments. He's trying to help me. I have been asking him to just be patient with ME, and I'll try anything in MY power to keep things harmonious. But, like someone said on here, explaining it to someone is like explaining blue to a blind person. He's very skeptical about the whole dp/dr thing, but he said he's willing to be patient.

We got over our argument as soon as my dp lifted and I was able to be my outgoing self again. Not that that's the standard me, I have two standards. I have an outgoing, fun-loving self, and I have a quiet, brooding, unhappy self. Needless to say, I much prefer the former to the latter, but I'm coming to the terms that I'm two people in one body, and I just have to fight to remain the person I want to be. Lord knows it's difficult. But right now I'm feeling really good, and I just had a very nice weekend, so I'm going to ride this out as long as it lasts.

I'm sure that bitch, my other self, will be back before long.

Thank you all so much for your advice, your kind words and your understanding. This website, since I found it just a couple weeks ago, has been such a beacon of hope and a source of comfort to me. Thank you again.

My boyfriend and I are going to try to work things out (as always). I know people with our problem shouldn't be in relationships just for comfort, but this guy I got is a really good one, and I just can't seem to let him go. We'll see.

Blake, I will look into that book, definitely. And mazeball, you're right, I need a hobby, a passion, that's good advice. Your support is so awesome, all of you, thanks so much.

Have a wonderful day everyone!


----------

