# i want to escape the void



## hollowmoon (Jan 18, 2014)

Hi...I'm new here...

I don't really know where to begin because my situation with DP is complicated and I can hardly put it into words. But I guess I'm desperate for any insight at this point...

I'm sick of feeling like a puppet on strings. Empty. Detached. Drained. Dull. Surreal. Numb. Alone. Blank. Dead. I don't feel like the person I used to be. I don't feel like anybody. It's like the person I used to be escaped and left me a hollow shell. My thoughts, feelings, and memories all feel like they're shrouded behind some curtain of fog. Almost as if they don't even belong to me anymore. I'm a very emotional person by nature--I always have been. I've lived with major depressive disorder, general anxiety and some other psychological issues I don't feel like sharing my entire life and my existence has always been filled with powerful feelings. I enjoy crying. I don't care if that sounds weird because it's true. I enjoy feeling melancholy and bittersweet nostalgia and pain. I would do anything just to be able to feel that way again. It's like my subconscious somehow got so overwhelmed by constant emotion that it buried everything, locked the door and threw away the key without me realizing it. I hardly recognize myself anymore because I feel like I don't even exist. I'm nothing. Nothing matters to me anymore and despite the overwhelming loneliness I constantly feel I become increasingly anti-social and isolated every day. The depersonalization began with a few episodes every other week and then escalated in frequency until the point where I currently reside with a steady, unwavering presence of emptiness in my head. It's like I've fallen into an abyss...a void...and I just want to escape.


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## Manof_theFuture (Dec 14, 2013)

hollowmoon said:


> I'm a very emotional person by nature--I always have been. I've lived with major depressive disorder, general anxiety and some other psychological issues I don't feel like sharing my entire life and my existence has always been filled with powerful feelings. I enjoy crying. I don't care if that sounds weird because it's true. I enjoy feeling melancholy and bittersweet nostalgia and pain. I would do anything just to be able to feel that way again. It's like my subconscious somehow got so overwhelmed by constant emotion that it buried everything, locked the door and threw away the key without me realizing it.


We are not so different you and I  I too was a person who was addicted to the power of my emotions...and I too was in the void stage of this disorder...and I'm here to tell you that YOU WILL HEAL FROM THIS...just keep living..the fact that you know that there is a better feeling than what you're feeling right now is a sure fire way to let you KNOW that you still exist..your mind and body are just trying to find an equilibrium and trust me they will just let your brain keep working at it and remember this is just anxiety showing ts face in one of it's many treacherous ways it's up to you to be aware of those ways and stop anxiety in it's tracks and you will start to get better i know it's hard right now but TRY TRY TRY to relax your self I was once at your stage and I am almost home free after just 3 months so dont worry this is all normal anxiety wont let you think that it is but it most certainly is normal


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Susto said:


> Whats been helping me the most is to understand the void, dwell in the void... For that I have been learning a lot about eastern culture and spirituality, and in their view the 'void' is actually the road to awakening.
> 
> "Become totally empty
> Quiet the restlessness of the mind
> ...


Hows that been workin' out for ya Susto?


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## hollowmoon (Jan 18, 2014)

Manof_theFuture said:


> We are not so different you and I  I too was a person who was addicted to the power of my emotions...and I too was in the void stage of this disorder...and I'm here to tell you that YOU WILL HEAL FROM THIS...just keep living..the fact that you know that there is a better feeling than what you're feeling right now is a sure fire way to let you KNOW that you still exist..your mind and body are just trying to find an equilibrium and trust me they will just let your brain keep working at it and remember this is just anxiety showing ts face in one of it's many treacherous ways it's up to you to be aware of those ways and stop anxiety in it's tracks and you will start to get better i know it's hard right now but TRY TRY TRY to relax your self I was once at your stage and I am almost home free after just 3 months so dont worry this is all normal anxiety wont let you think that it is but it most certainly is normal


Thank you, that really does mean alot. I feel incredibly hopeless and no one I know can provide me with any advice or encouragement because they don't understand the issue. It's nice hearing from people who've experienced similar emotions -- or lack thereof.


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## hollowmoon (Jan 18, 2014)

selig said:


> Hi, welcome.
> 
> Can you tell us a bit more about your life before depersonalization, and what was happening when it became chronic?
> 
> You have summed up how many of us feel quite well- take solace that you are not alone.


Very strong emotions all the time, often overwhelming and debilitating. But I thrive on a sense of pain and chaos and self-destruction. I've been on several antidepressants before but all of them make me feel almost as numb as I feel now so I haven't been taking that kind of medication in almost a year. When I was on antidepressants I wanted to kill myself more than ever before. I'd have panic attacks about 2-6 times a week and I would cry on typically a daily basis. Also I have multiple health problems and I've been living with eating disorders all my life (those have not gone away with depersonalization. If anything they've only increased.) I used to self-harm and that initially increased when I first started feeling depersonalization because I wanted so badly just to feel SOMETHING but now I'm so drained of life that it doesn't feel worth it. Nothing is really worth anything to me anymore.


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## hollowmoon (Jan 18, 2014)

selig said:


> What was/is your home life like?


Unbearable. I live in constant fear of my parents, who continually threaten to put me into a clinic because I will never "recover" from my eating disorders because I don't really want to. My parents want to "fix" me and make me "better" but that's not what I want and they don't know how to deal with me so they just direct all their frustration at me. They're always angry with me and they've always made me feel like a huge burden due to my problems and it seems as though everything is my fault somehow. They almost separated a while ago but they're in marriage counseling now. That's helped ease the tension between the two of them since they used to scream at each other nonstop and then project their rage at my siblings and I, but they still don't understand me and I quite honestly don't want them to. I've been forced into hiding from them despite their tenacious efforts to pry every drop of information out of me, so I try to keep as much as I can a secret from them. They don't know the extent of my problems and if they ever find out I'd probably be driven to kill myself.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

hollowmoon said:


> Unbearable. I live in constant fear of my parents, who continually threaten to put me into a clinic because I will never "recover" from my eating disorders because I don't really want to. My parents want to "fix" me and make me "better" but that's not what I want and they don't know how to deal with me so they just direct all their frustration at me. They're always angry with me and they've always made me feel like a huge burden due to my problems and it seems as though everything is my fault somehow. They almost separated a while ago but they're in marriage counseling now. That's helped ease the tension between the two of them since they used to scream at each other nonstop and then project their rage at my siblings and I, but they still don't understand me and I quite honestly don't want them to. I've been forced into hiding from them despite their tenacious efforts to pry every drop of information out of me, so I try to keep as much as I can a secret from them. They don't know the extent of my problems and if they ever find out I'd probably be driven to kill myself.


Get to Harris Harringtons website ASAP, get the program and get started on understanding the connection between DP and the family system as you sound like a prime candidate.


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## Manof_theFuture (Dec 14, 2013)

hollowmoon said:


> Thank you, that really does mean alot. I feel incredibly hopeless and no one I know can provide me with any advice or encouragement because they don't understand the issue. It's nice hearing from people who've experienced similar emotions -- or lack thereof.


No problem man I know that hopeless feeling and I also no its just a facade...it will pass just give this time ...be patient try really hard not to freak out just accept this as a normality of the human experience


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