# Desperate for help: Stuck in my own human being



## clouds19 (Sep 30, 2015)

I've never had the currage to post something on this website.. But now I am feeling so F** up that it feels like the only way for a litte bit of relieve and recognition? I'm sorry for the crappy English, it's not my firts language. Here is my story:

I've had my first DP/DR when I was 14, I was stuck in the middle of the heavy and stressful divorce of my partens. I remember standing in the shower and feeling like the walking dead. I became very anxious so my parents send me to a psychologist, whith a lot of help and distraction I felt better with the time. The stressful divorce between my parents took them 4 years, so I was 18 when it finally ended. It was the beginning of a new period of DP/DR. For about 4 months I felt like I lived in a dream, my family looked strange and everything looked so unfamiliar: the classic DP/DR sympoms. After those 4 months of feeling like the walking dead I began to recover slowly with time and a lot of distraction. After that period I decided to never look back at all that crap and moved to another city where I have had 3 wonderfull years with a lot of friends, a great house with 4 other students and a good contact with my family. So everything went great untill last summer when DP/DR kicked in again, but this time with no reason. For the first month I've had the classic symptoms again: feeling dreamy and detached of my surroundings, very anxious and panick attacks. I went to a psychologist again and start with CBT.

( diagnosed with panic disorder ) Unfortunately this doesn't work and my DP/DR become worse and worse in weeks. I start feeling detached from my own body and became scared of almost everything. The only way I could sleep a little bit was when I lay next to my mother in bed.. ( I turned 22 in august ) The docter prescribed me Oxazepam but I was way to scared that it was making it worse so I don't took it. I filled the days with obessively thinking about the symptoms of Schizofrenia and DID, I've read almost every website about these two disorders and truely convinced myself that I have Schizofrenia. The doctor advised me to go to a psychiatrist, so I did. He diagnosed me with panic disorder and OCD. But I just CAN'T believe that. My DP/DR symptoms changes a little bit and it makes me more anxious. The 'dreamy feeling' is less dreamy at the time but there are a lot of much worse feelings that caught me right now and really hope that some of you recognize it when you read it and can tell me this is not me going insane or developping Schizofrenia:

I feel like it's weird to be a human and do human stuff. I feel like I am stuck in my own body, I totally freak out when I think about this is actually me... in a body... When I conscious look at other humans I also freak out, like I am scared of humans.. And when I think about the idea that I am scared of humans I freak out even more. Like the only way to feel better is not being a human anymore. ( I know this sounds insane ) I also have very random thoughts about things at very random moments. And when I actualy think of the random thoughts and question myself why is was thinking it i became very anxious. There is a voice in my head ( my own voice) that keeps telling me that I am going crazy and other stuff that I realy don't want to think about. And now I am also scared of hearing voices even though I know that it is just my own voice. I just don't want to excist any longer..

Im sorry for the very long story but I realy hope that some of you read it an can relate to it..Advice is welcome!!! THANKS!


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## clouds19 (Sep 30, 2015)

Thanks for responding! I will try to keep that in mind.. But it's so damn hard.


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

Hi, i know how you feel. I'm struggling with every symptom you described, particularly the ''human looking strange'' symptom : it's all dp like Elliott said. There is like 99% chance that anxiety is causing your dp symptoms in your case (like me). Here is a post i wrote about looking at people: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/51943-the-humans-look-alien-symptom-i-need-helpadvice/ Do you relate?


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## clouds19 (Sep 30, 2015)

Hi JayB, have read your post and can totaly relate.. especially the part where you describe there's no way back and only a brainwash can bring it back to normal.. Pretty scary right? How long has it been for you?


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

It's been 9 months for me, but it is much better than before. I can now live with it easier. I got dp after my grand-mother's death (I was very close to her), i guess i experienced a lot of stress all the time I've seen her slowly going the other side. I am slowly remembering the type of person i was before all this. It takes a lot of time and it's hard. i know. Some days i just want to stay in bed to escape my consciousness and others i feel like i can easily live trough the day. And that's normal.


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