# New, MJ Induced, please hear me out...



## Starz5 (Jul 5, 2006)

Hi everyone..sorry this is really long, but I think you can relate..

I joined on here about a week ago. Also you can read my post here on marijuana.com ha..never thought I'd be there lol http://www.marijuana.com/420/showthread.php?t=46773 I wrote on here about 3 weeks after feeling this.(dazed5) I've written to some people and such but never really got my story out there so here it goes..its like a lot of others but here it goes:

I had smoked pot before the only drug I swore I'd ever use and had always had a good experience, usually laughing some, or it just made me really relaxed. Im not a frequent user probably smoked about 10-12 times past three years. This particular night I was upset about some things goin on in my life, started crying and I was actually going to leave to go to my apt. My friend suggested I stay and talk. Eventually she got out a joint she had made, I had decided I would stop smoking before all of this...so I thought.

I've always been an anxious person, kinda had some deppresion, and although Im 21, there have been some things in life that happened the past few years that have probably not been very well for my self-esteem or my psyche...relationships, finances,..other factors. I was always the 'good girl'..had great grades, good friends, but since high school things changed, I changed, trying to find who I really am. I probably should have gotten some couseling but I thought Im strong I can deal with my own problems I'll be ok. I've always been into intelligent convos and a deep thinker..anything about psychology and learning about the mind I found quite interesting because that is after all what we have and makes us who we are.

This night I was so upset though..I calmed down ..and my friend was like "here...it might make you feel better,"..turned out to be quite the opposite. I took prob about 3-5 hits off the joint, Immediately the high felt like it went straight to my head. At first I just went with it and just looked up at the ceiling fan just watching it..but then I got really hot..and the high in my head felt even stronger felt dizzy..thus triggering >Panic. I had never experienced a panic attack before this and have not experienced one since. I started saying to my friend "uh..this isnt normall..omg....can anyone die off pot??!..omg..what the hell did I do"..started hyperventalating, heart racing, obsessive thoughts that I literally thought I was going to die.

I wanted to go to the hospital, but kept thinking we'd get arrested..reall smart. She kept looking at me saying "calm down, ..no one has died off weed, you're fine..just calm down"..freaking me out more...this was prob for about 2 hours or so. I was just really scared. ..so scared to even sleep thinking my respiratory system would shut down and I'd die in an unfamiliar house with someone who doesnt truly care about me and I'd never see my family again...combined with uncontrollable shaking, hot and cold too.

The next morning I woke up, she asked how I was, I said " alot better.." so I thought. I got up had to go, got in my car..felt things were kinda off..but only really noticed it when I got to my apt. I looked in the mirror...and ..it didnt feel like me..freaked the shit out of me. Typing my hands didnt feel like mine, like I was watching them. My friend had been ok, why hadn't I?..prob cause shes a frequent user, and didnt have a damn panic attack WHILE high. I tried explaining to my mom, shes very understanding, although upset I had done it..but no one truly understands. She took me to a doctor, he took a urine test, came back clear, I asked him about depersonalization disorder, By this time I already pretty much thought this is what it was by looking up affects of THC.

Of course, doc didnt know. They dont specialize in the mind, only the psysical problems...which is why it kind of pisses me off them prescribing drugs kinda like candy, "here take some valium..or zoloft..I dont know what it does to your mind, Im just told it will make you better by chemists and pharmacists, " ok doc. But I mean look at me I took an illegal drug so I cant talk right, but anyway..he just dismissed me saying "this is nothing but residual affects of a drug" thinking Im just a young person experimenting with drugs. We all know when somethings not right or doesnt "feel" right..not saying be hypochondriacs but listen to your gut. He prescribed me some xanax, I knew in my mind that wouldnt help , I took two, it made things worse made me extremely sleepy, groggy and more dp. I didnt experience DR. I went to a psychologist/counselor at my college, she seemed to understand what I was feeling but I feel no one TRULY understands untill they have experienced it.

I know this has to be a way of thinking, neurological pathways were changed that way, changed how I think about my reality..but really I know Im ok, just have to change my thinking patterns. I didnt ever suffer from DP before never had heard of it like so many others. Anyways things have gotten a lot better..how they have is not thinking about it so much, distraction, seriously not focusing on it things have gotten a lot better.

Does anyone realise that without thoughts nothing would exist. So feelings are in essence thoughts. Believe me when I say I know its not easy at all because it does become a viscious cycle. Every morning I would wake up thinking in the first month .."is it there"..."greeat.." I would come to my apt. just fall to the floor crying thinking wtf did I do to my life..I want my old self back.

In fact the old self is still intact..just you FEEL like it isnt. We're still the same person. Maybe this only happens to intelligent people, analytical, thats why stoners dont experience it..maybe cause they dont analyze things too much I dont know, and whose to say why and when this could happen, apparantly its happend to all of us and we're here dealing with it. I believe theres definetely a corrilation about anxiety and depression I believe that for sure which is what so many others of you have said. Maybe in my case..it just brought all the anxiety I truly had to the surface I dont know. Its truly amazing how the mind can work.

I dont get how some people have panic attacks while high, and they dont experience DP or DR after. I guess its because people have different fear thresholds..Like I said no one truly knows how this works. I know the relief I've found in finding other people like on this site who have had this, and the "Road to Recovery part" is a good thing to read.

Sigh* sorry this is so long. I have so much to write about on this and so many theories about all of this. Like I said things have gotten a lot less scary. Before it felt like conversations with people I would like drift off all teh way to the back of my head, looking at them like they're distant, like my voice in the convo didnt matter..weird. Again, its how powerfull the mind can be.

Anyway thank you so much for reading this if you have gotten to this point! haha. Thats my story and I really appreciate it and I empathize greatly to all of you, I understand how you feel. We can get through this, in fact we are the same, just with a different perspective, if we change how we think, stop focusing on this dont let it get the best of us. I looked at this like , well Im still alive I must be here for a purpose-morbid I know, but we are still here and life is precious. I know I wish and so many of us wish we could go back and change the mistakes or choices we made..we cant, we can only move forward looking on in hopes for a new day and progress. Again, thanks for reading, keep your head up!!! much luv to all of you. oh and write me back!!!! 
Also I just ordered the Linden method, I'll let you know about it. I know Im not suppose to keep researching this or getting on here but I will let you know eventually. This site can become really addicting..anyway..later


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## strigoi (Jun 27, 2006)

> Maybe this only happens to intelligent people, analytical, thats why stoners dont experience it..maybe cause they dont analyze things too much I dont know


I've wondered about this too. I have had many friends that were heavy smokers of 3-5 years and never had any real bad storys from pot. Even then many of them did alot of psychedlics and harder drugs. I don't think it has to do with intellect though, beacuse I know some brilliant stoners (as far as IQ) believe it or not, I think it has to do with if your a anxious/depressed/obsessive person at base line, I know I was so I don't know why I thought tinkering with my mental processes would be 'fun'.


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## Starz5 (Jul 5, 2006)

Yeah...I dont get it. I've never done any other drugs..only pot and Occasional...VERY. WHYYYYY does this happen to us?? I used to smoke and be FINE. I smoked waaay more that 3-5 puffs before. And had gotten really high..Happy high...or if I didnt laugh just real relaxed and fall asleep. I havent even always been in great moods doing it..but it would always just like I said make me laugh, or make me relax. Some people I've read about said that they experienced bad DP after MJ..like us..but smoked again truely BELIEVING it would make them better/cured and then they were normal the next day..so I wonder about that, but its like Russian Roulett, a big chance to take.

I also have experienced like this fog feeling in my head ever since this...some pressure in my head and a popping sound in my ears that WONT go away, its sooo annoying. I went to the doctor, he just prescribed some nasal spray, which I used twice, but I highly dont think thats what it is. I dont get it. I hate all of this...and it makes me like HATE stoners like my friend.
~.Frustrated~


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## Starz5 (Jul 5, 2006)

I dont know why I decided to mess with the stuff either. I used to always say no, and look at ppl like crazy for why they were doing that to themselves. Ironic huh. and sad.


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## Pancthulhu (May 27, 2006)

Yeah it is ironic. I've never even been drunk or smoked a cigarette, but I ate some hash cake and now I'm like this. Haha. But yeah, as you said, we can only look forward.

Celebrate this chance to be alive and breathing.


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## Guest (Aug 15, 2006)

Have any of you ever seen that movie, _Saw_?

Well, I know this sounds AWFUL :shock:, but I went through the whole weed experience as well. And I recently saw the sequel, Saw II, and thought to myself - I'm one of those people that didn't appreciate my life enough to stay away from the stuff. So, this is my reward. I qualify to be one of the jigsaw's victims. Like that junkie girl who fell into the pit of drug needles.

Isn't that awful? Yeah, that's how my mind works. I guess that's why I'm in this place.

Except that I'm not a junkie, never was, and never will be. I only tried it about 3 times. So, how can I be so hard on myself? :?


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