# DP and Being Gay



## brdcst21 (Apr 3, 2008)

Hey Everyone!
I'm new to the board and so glad that I have a place where people understand what I'm going through. I just wanted to see if there is anyone out there going through what I am. I have just started coming to terms with my sexuality and facing a lot of things that I've been suppressing for bascially my entire life. As I have progressed through the coming out process my depersonalization has been a huge problem. All the common symptoms have been very prevalant for the past 4 months or so. I had a period of depersonalization when I was in 6th grade but eventually worked through it and now that I have started to come out it has returned in full force. Just very curious to see if anyone is dealing with or has dealt with DP while coming out.

Brdcst21


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## artery (Mar 29, 2008)

i have felt like im suppressing lots a things too.. i seriously thought im maybe hidden gay
but then i like women, and i think it;s these insecurities i have and being DP
and if sometimes i fancy other guys it's more like a father/older brother figure or somethin
someone with self-confidence which we lack.. so think about it..moreover i think
DP is somethin at a larger scale than sexuality.. it's like a being gay/masochistic personality not being
gay cause u dont have any personality at all; seriously our highly intensive
thinking/hysteria/paranoia can get us everywhere so beware 8)


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## Guest (Apr 3, 2008)

...


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## brdcst21 (Apr 3, 2008)

Great to hear your perspectives! I completely agree with you Spirit that the whole "gay" and "straight" thing is not as black and white as it may seem. I am a male and have really been struggling with coming to terms with what my sexual preference. I tend to be much more attracted to men sexually but find myself drawn to women but in a very non-sexual, emotional way. I guess I've started to realize that there needs to be a sexual attraction to have a complete and fulfilling relationship so I'm exploring my life as a gay man. Kind of confusing stuff.

I definitely have found that DP is much harder to deal with than coming out. DP completely strips me of hope and meaning at times. When I start to make strides with coming out my DP will kick in and almost tell me that " all of this isn't real and there is no reason to be proud of making these great personal strides". If that makes sense. My DP is working hand in hand with my struggles with my sexuality. I have found that as I come out to more people and really am being myself and not who I've tried to hide for so many years my DP goes away a bit. I'm hoping this is the key to getting rid of DP.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

That's a good point you make at the end. I was going to ask you if you think your DP was from being insecure about being gay? If so then maybe the more you develop being comfortably with your sexuality the DP will lessen?


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## brdcst21 (Apr 3, 2008)

Yeah, that is my hope at least. It gets hard to really focus on the core issue of dealing with my sexuality and not getting wrapped up in worry about having DP. I think I will always have bouts with DP and anxiety throughought my life but I think the reason mine is so bad right now is because I'm right in the middle of coming out and a lot of stress that comes along with it. I have never really lived my life as me and have spent my whole life trying to control my thoughts of being attracted to men so I guess it's no wonder I have a problem with trying to control my DP and not just letting it be there and pass. When I write it all out on paper it all seems to make sense but when I'm going through it, it feels like the end of the world sometimes. I really appreciate you guys writing on here!


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Ya it would make sense especially since it's a super stressful time for you. Goodluck with all this and I hope the future holds something better for you.


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## Springbok (Mar 2, 2008)

Hi brdcst21,

I'm gay too, so I understand a lot of what you're going through. I went through a very tough time about 7 years ago when I had to accept the fact that I was attracted to men, and for many years afterwards I hid it from friends and family. I lived a secret double life, had boyfriends I told nobody about, pretended I was still interested in women, I repressed it all and hid it away from the world.

I still haven't told many people; about half of my family knows, and several close friends. Since developing depersonalization a lot of unresolved issues regarding my sexuality have resurfaced. I still have a lot of guilt associated with it. Coming out to people is incredibly difficult, it's wrapped up in shame, the feeling I'm letting the other person down, breaking the carefully constructed image I've presented people with for the past 7 years, and a whole host of other problems.

I know how tough it is, especially with DP on top. The best thing is to try and not let depersonalization control your life, even though I know that's the hardest thing to do when you're in the middle of it. What you're learning about yourself and telling other people _is_ a great personal stride, and rationally you know that. Don't listen to the DP! It's trying to protect you from a difficult and emotional experience, but it's a misguided and over zealous beast.


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## brdcst21 (Apr 3, 2008)

Springbok,
Thanks so much for writing on here! It's so great to hear someone who can totally relate to what I'm going through. It's tough for me right now because I have some gay friends who can relate to coming out and then some others who who relate to the DP but I haven't met anyone who has dealt with both. I am definitely doing my best to not let the DP control me. I have my good days and bad days. I am still very early in the coming out process. My parents know, and a select few friends and relatives know. Heck, I am still in the process of fully coming out to myself so I have a lot of work ahead. A lot of my shame has to do with my faith. It feels like since I've come out and been bombarded with DP my faith has kind of left me and that has been one of the hardest things to deal with. Do you find that the times when you are with a boyfriend and being yourself that your DP is better?


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2008)

question for you homosexuals, were you attracted to males your whole life ? or did you slowly started getting attracted to males


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## brdcst21 (Apr 3, 2008)

I have been attracted to males my entire life. I can remember having crush's on some of my guy friends as early as 4 or 5 years old. What gradually happened for me, however, was my realization that I am indeed gay. I spent so much of my life trying to convince myself that I wasn't attracted to men and I spent so much of my energy trying to force things with women. It eventually just got to be way too much for me to handle and so I'm now trying to learn how to completely live as myself and be true to my feelings. So, I've known I was attracted to men all my life but it took me 21 years to finally come to terms with it. It is quite the process.

I appreciate you asking that question. There are so many mis-conceptions and stereo-types within the gay community and I would encourage everyone who doesn't understand it, to just ask someone who is gay. I know for myself, I would much rather have someone who doesn't understand the topic to come to me and ask all the questions they have. I am just like everyone else and being gay is just one part of me, much like my hair is brown.


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## Springbok (Mar 2, 2008)

_brdcst21_: I know about the good and bad days, I have them too. On the bad days I find myself very introspective and I start digging through a lot of unresolved sexuality issues. And that's on top of everything else, like anxiety, sickness, dizzyness and nausea. DP is really a horrible thing to go through and I'm not surprised something so monumental as coming to terms with your sexuality sets it off. When you mention your 'faith' do you mean religious, or something else? How exactly is it affected by DP and sexuality?

This is the first time I've experienced DP and I don't currently have a boyfriend, so I can't answer your question about being with one and feeling better. But if you're talking about feeling comfortable around someone of your own sex, in both a romantic and sexual manner, then I can relate. I can imagine this would help reduce the effects of DP, especially if you feel you're being more 'true' to yourself. But at the same time I think DP has a lot to do with the mind 'shielding' itself from traumatic and difficult experiences, and if you're going through a tough time coming out to yourself then it's naturally going to be worse.

_Mission Possible_: I spent my mid-to-late teens not really knowing much about my sexuality, wondering why I wasn't attracted to females but ignoring and refusing to consider I was gay. Then I went to college and moved out on my own and it caught up with me. I went through a tough couple of years but it was something I had to address and deal with because I couldn't ignore the feelings any longer. So yes, I'd say I have been attracted to males all my life, I just refused to believe it when I was young.


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## brdcst21 (Apr 3, 2008)

When it comes to my faith it is a real mix of a lot of things right now. I grew up Catholic so of course there was some guilt that went along with being gay. I find myself wondering if I should just ignore my attraction towards men and live as I have heard my religion tells me to (Married with a woman and children). I have moved beyond that thinking as of late though. When DP really started to hit me I started bombarding myself with questions of whether god existed or not. I started feeling so unreal and I was questioning whether I even existed and whether I was just imagining my life. I had a lot of thoughts that human life can just be explained scientifically. In a time when I needed my faith to be the strongest with coming out and really finding myself, I was terrified that there wasn't even a god and I was all alone. Just within the last week, however, I've found my faith getting stronger. So, it was a real combination of things. It was feeling the guilt of being gay and fearing that I was turning my back on god and also feeling so unreal that I worried life was just what it seemed and there was no higher power working.

I am starting to find comfort in the fact that I will never know all the answers. Before, I always thought I would figure everything out. I'm realizing that it's about embracing the uncertainty, taking each day one at a time, and having faith that god is there for me. Not saying that is the end all be all, but it's what's working for me right now.


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