# Hope



## Jonmedlock (May 22, 2009)

Hi guys, thought I'd share my story with you.

One night in March 2009 (the 14th I think it was) me and a few friends went round a mates house for the champions league and a few joints. Wouldn't describe us as heavy smokers, had been smoking weed for a few years but only occasionally. We'd make a night of it then not do it again for weeks. We're all architects on the 3rd year of our course and were all under a lot of stress due to it being the final year of the first part of our course, uncertainty about the future etc. Anyway, night went well, there wasn't one moment where I paniced andf everything went crazy or anything like that, just felt detached as you always do when you're high. Went home that evening, went to bed, blah blah blah. When I woke the next morning I still felt massively strange. Like I was still high but not at the same time. I put this down to having too much the night before and that it was still in my system, think I probably even had quite a good day. Net day woke up and felt eactly the same. Like I was watching my life. I don't need to explain it but I had pretty heavy derealisation but didn't realise it yet. My mind felt dizzy, like I was permanently dreaming, detached from reality etc. You know it all, boring but fuckin scary.

Now, here's the key part. It was bad and I couldn't go 1 minute without thinking about it and re-assessing my situation. However, I went home that weekend and put on a brave face and had quite a good weekend. Came back to my uni house, where everyone was the same as weeks before but I was a mess, althought I didn't show it. Everything had changed so I began the constant cycle of self diagnosis and spending every waking hour on THIS fucking website. Let me tell you now that is the WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN DO, and here's why. It's anxiety, at the end of the day, no dancing around the subject, we're all anxious. Spending your whole time on this page makes you worry more and your condition worsen, you read the bad articles (and those people are the fuckin devils and should be put in jail for writing anything on here and scaring people and bringing everyone else down) and you assume that's you or will be you one day. I read one which was a guy saying he feels like he doesn't recognise his family when he sees them anymore. So, naturally, as 90% of horror stories on here start with weed I assumed that could well be me one day. Queue panic mode. Next time I went home I too barely recognised my family and felt I hardly recognised the place town I'd grown up with. I was emotionless anda wreck. I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH IT HELPS TALKING TO PEOPLE. By this time my mum and my whole family knew what I was going through (not really, obviously, no one ever could). That weekend my mum and I went for a walk along the beach, crying and she made me promise to her I'd never take my own life as she was genuinely scared. Now, backtrack to when this all started...it only got bad when I started panicing by going on sites like this and constantly analysing my situation.

Add to the equation that humans have evolved far more than seals (bare with me). When a shark attacks a seal it goes into panic mode to help it's brain cope with the overload of stress and anxiety and everything. However, man much cleverer than seal. The seal doesn't think "Jesus, I feel odd". Seals are stupid (appologies to anyone that may have offended). Exostential anxiety is where people are aware of their own existence, that is what makes us worry that we're anxious and feel odd. If cows were exostentially anxious and aware then I'd hate to work at a slaughterhouse (especially if they developed facial expression). This making sense? If you can somehow stop yourself worrying you will recover. I read this time and again and thought it was bollocks but it's true.

Back to the story. I finished uni and now found myself in the daunting position of finding a job. Life was still scary as hell and I found it so hard to concentrate my mum agrees I go on the dole for the summer with a view to employment in September. I went to 2 interviews for jobs as a part 1 architects' assistant and was offered both jobs. The first I came out of with my dad in the car and soon found myself in tears, promising to my dad that "I'll never get better" and that I could never do any sort of work that involed thinking in my state. I also stopped my driving lessons (yes, I'm 22 and should have been driving for a while but, meh) as life seemed so dreamy I was sure I'd crash and think nothing of it, if I were to hit a pedestrian it would seem so unreal I'd most likely feel little to no remorse. So steered WELL clear of driving (excuse the pun).

One crucial thing I can't stress enough is you have to submerse yourself in whatever activity it is that you can engage with that takes your mind off (at least for a bit) derealisation. I had hoped for me that would be football as it's my one true passion and is so readily available but I soon found myself in a complete daze on the pitch, spending 90 minutes at a time panicing 'This isn't how it used to be'. However, there was a girl by the name of Rachel I'd known (and fancied the pants off) for about 6 years. Before I spent my days worrying about myself I'd think about her and how if life were fair we'd have to end up together one day, get married and grow old together. She came to see me one weekend in Oxford (after graduation but before we went home) it was the best weekend I'd had since it had all began 3 months prior, and was to be the best I'd have again for months. I was madly in love with her but didn't dare tell her as she'd most likely scream, run away and never talk to me again, meaning I'd lose the best part of my day and the one thing I took comfort in and could distract my mind with (THIS IS KEY). As soon as she left that Sunday afternoon I was once again on the phone to my parents, stressing how I needed to see a doctor and how I couldn't go on like this.

I moved back home that summer and talking to my family (and a few select close friends) soon found myself relaxing. I was relaxed but I was still very wrong in the head department, which is where the real work begins. YOU HAVE TO TRUST THIS WILL FADE. I had been told by everyone that it would but simply didn't believe it. I went to Benicassim fesitval in Spain in the summer but still didn't really enjoy anything anymore and often found myself tearful when I was alone. The best part of that whole week away to a rock festival on a beach in Spain with 7 of my best mates was when Rachel text me asking how Spain was. I made sure I saw her as much as I could the rest of the summer and, although still deeply derealised, found myself more relaxed (which made me certain it couldn't be anxiety). We grew closer and she often pointed out I had a strong hearbeat, which in hindsight was definitely anxiety. Things looked up as October approached when we started dating (fuck yes) and I started my job in London. Although I didn't feel much better I began work and crawled by for the next few months. Spending time with my new girlfriend helped massively, I'd talk to her for hours about my condition and I'm fairly sure I ruined many of her evenings through doing so. We spoke about the future and how good life will be when I beat this. I didn't believe it for a minute but god it felt good to hope.

It is now June 2010 and I can safely say my derealisation is more or less gone. It still returns from time to time but it's so mild it doesn't bother me anymore and I know it will be entirely gone soon. Oh I forgot to mention earlier, watched a film called 'Numb'. Massiver error, based on a true story which is very similar to mine and expected him to recover. The long short of the film was that he doesn't recover, rather just learns to accept his condition. That sucks! So don't watch it, recovery is 100% achievable and ignore anyone who says otherwise. I also started taking a few food supplements which really boosted the progress along (Gingko Biloba, L-Theanine, Omega 3 Fish Oil tablets, St John's Wort and B50 Complex). Set me back a few quid but so worth it. It's a viscious cycle, the more you worry the worse it gets. However on the other hand the better it gets the easier it to relax and the better it gets etc....until you're where I am and loving life once again. The best thing I read the whole time was someone who wrote 'Those who develop derealisation from marijuana usually recover after 2 years'. Yes that's a hell of a long time but what a small price to pay to know that recovery is in fact not only possible but probable. Get out the house, socialise, play sports, play video games, preoccupy yourselves, stop worrying, take it on the chin, laugh at it if you can, and the one point I can't stress enough is this:

STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM SITES LIKE THIS AS THEY MAKE EVERYTHING A WHOLE LOT WORSE.

I see this post as the end of my journey, I shant be returning afterwards and nor should you. History is written by the winners, 95% of people who recover won't bother posting stories of recovery. You have to believe you can get through this, talk to people about it and get out there, life's waiting for you on the other side and it feels fucking fantastic.

Jon.


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## Sarasi3 (Mar 4, 2010)

Jonmedlock said:


> Hi guys, thought I'd share my story with you.
> ................
> 
> I see this post as the end of my journey, I shant be returning afterwards and nor should you. History is written by the winners, 95% of people who recover won't bother posting stories of recovery. You have to believe you can get through this, talk to people about it and get out there, life's waiting for you on the other side and it feels fucking fantastic.
> ...


Dear Jon, if you do happen to come back, I just want to say a heart-felt thank you. So happy to hear you have your life back. So glad you came to teel us all about it. I enjoyed reading your story. It was very inspiring and a relief to know that I am on the right track.

Thank you, very much appreciated.


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

Thanks for such encouraging story. I'm glad you're almost out of DP!


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

"life's waiting for you on the other side and it feels fucking fantastic."

I'm tattooing this on my forehead.


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## opie37060 (Jan 9, 2010)

york said:


> "life's waiting for you on the other side and it feels fucking fantastic."
> 
> I'm tattooing this on my forehead.


yeah i need to permanetly get that into my brain...lol


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Jonmedlock said:


> STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM SITES LIKE THIS AS THEY MAKE EVERYTHING A WHOLE LOT WORSE.


I did stay away from this site for a while, and that is when my life was getting worse.
I think this site is actually a gift for me.
I enjoy to talk to people who share problems like me.

-Zach


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## sexpeer (Jun 14, 2010)

wow.. i waas thinknig the same shit now! 'how is possible thinking about it would help'?

i had the problem that when i read about a decease i was sure i have it. well i dont have nothing cause if i had, in the extreme degree i thought i had it, i would be dead now! haha! see it right there.

so,im not crazy, im not mad, im not sick.i was just afraid the shit of my first weed panic attack!

and i totally agree with your post!
you seem a smart person


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