# I've seriously fucked up big time and I only realized this too late.



## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

I keel having this thought in my head and I go back to the time of when I first experienced DR which was in August. Going back to that time it was very mild when it first began, stuck with it for the first two weeks and it stayed at the same level, then I thought, let me make a doctors appointment and my doctor reccomended I see a psychiatrist because she thought that this was depression. So there I go, not knowing what else to do like an idiot, I ask for meds. Bottom line is, I regret going down the medication route and wish I could of taken a healthier approach and just deal with this on my own. I truly believe that all the meds I've tried for this have seriously fucked me up, and I don't mean that in a funny way I mean it in a, what the hell do I do now, there's no turning back, I'm fucked for life, way. I wish I could of been stronger and said " fuck this, I don't need medication, I can handle this on my own." I did make a big deal about this when I first had it and now thinking back to that, how stupid of me, at that point, DR was a breeze, easy to ignore, not as hellish or bad as it is now. I could do normal things and live my life without being scared. I wish I could go back in time. I should of just left my brain healthy. I was in on zoloft, ability and Ativan in the beginning, was on them from Aug till Dec when I decided I wanted to be weaned off the meds, then things got worse, went back to the doctor that same day and got lexapro, stayed with that until the end of December and saw my doctor again and he added seroquel to my lexapro, took those both from the beginning of January to February, only 5 weeks on the med, I didn't give them enough time because on them, I got worse again, my doctor just told me to stop taking them, didn't even tell me to wean off them just STOP taking them, so I did. Weeks later, now I feel even worse. DR at this point feels like a cancer. My brain feels completely fucked. I should also mention that I have been taking Ativan for 6 months, I won't lie, I take it everyday because this intense, debilitating DR is not a joke. I feel like I'm going to fall down when I walk, still can't figure out where I am or where I'm going, I can't sense where I am, loud noises scare me and hurt my brain, reading my iPad right now is hurting my brain and making me feel disoriented. I feel like getting from one place to another is very difficult because I can hardly walk around in my room, can't navigate where I am or going or where I'm standing or what I'm looking at. This is all my fault. All these scary symptoms are not right. Each day I'm getting worse. I feel disabled. Getting dressed is even hard to do. My head feels so strange, Hmmm, I wonder why, cause I was a dumb ass and filled it with meds and didn't know what I was doing and nothing has helped. I can barely stand up because I don't know where I am. My chest hurts and my heart never stays at a calm level it just thumps and thumps. Then I think maybe I've over done it with the Ativan, it's a .5 dose and I take one a day. All these questions fill my mind and I there's no turning back now. Looking back at it, I could of handled this without meds, what was I thinking, I mean at the time I didn't know any better because I had never experienced this ever in my life. I've made my life a living hell and I think these meds are too blame. I've never once said that I'm feeling better during this time because I just keep feeling worse. I have this terrible fear that I'm going to die because this level or DR is no fucking joke. I feel like a vegetable. Could the meds have done this to me? It seems like it messed up my brain some how. I know everyone tells me not to be scared and to accept this but I am terrified, I'm terrified of every sensation, being anywhere, even being in my house sometimes because there is no relief. I have not slept in two days. If it this bad and I mean, it's very bad right now. I don't know if there is any hope. Yes it sounds negative but I am so sick of this. I just need a miracle, a sign that even when it's this horribly bad, that by the grace of god it will get better. I really feel like I'm dying. At this point I either need a miracle or god to save me. It bothers me that it just keeps getting worse and worse, it has never gotten better. At all. I've fucked up. What I want to know is, is do you think the meds could of causes all these scary symptoms? I even feel dizzy and drunk and woozy. My body feels so weak, my legs especially makes me feel like I am losing my balance. I I need some answers. I'm seriously running out of time. What other options do I have?


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

Melissa,

My heart goes out to you because I too understand how dark things can get with this thing.

But, I have to reiterate that you are more resilient and smarter than you give yourself credit for. It is absolutely okay to feel the way you do, its a catharsis in a way, i know it is for me atleast. When it rains it really pours badly, but somehow at our lowest something happens and things reach a climax where it cants get worse. things will become better soon, at any second. keep fighting and hoping and never give up on yourself, on finding peace within, and on who you are destined to be

Ive been on a concotion of antipsychotics, antidepressants..etc, ive recently come off of everything with the exception of lamictal and I have never felt better. the withdrawls are horrifying sometimes, but no situation is irreversible. our body and mind adapts and heals itself. it is never too late to make a change and there is no long term impact. i dont believe it is so.

also, taking medication is NEVER a sign of weakness. on the contrary, it takes more courage and strength for someone to fight for themselves and to live with DP on a daily basis with a smile on their face and go forth being who they are.

I would really urge you to probably go low dosage on everything, try another medication or alternative forms of treatment. you need something to make you cope and feel better, dont put into consideration curing the DP because as harsh as this will sound but it would be like chasing a dream. ive come to realize that curing DP is an evolutionary process and not an act within itself.

try to hang in there melissa, just wait it out for a while and things will get better. surround yourself with loved ones and proper professionals. the first year of DP is horrifying to say the least, your reactions to it are valid and were always here on the forum are here to listen and support you in all that you do.

keep the struggle alive, keep the hope, and keep being you.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Melissa_Z said:


> I keel having this thought in my head and I go back to the time of when I first experienced DR which was in August. Going back to that time it was very mild when it first began, stuck with it for the first two weeks and it stayed at the same level, then I thought, let me make a doctors appointment and my doctor reccomended I see a psychiatrist because she thought that this was depression. So there I go, not knowing what else to do like an idiot, I ask for meds. Bottom line is, I regret going down the medication route and wish I could of taken a healthier approach and just deal with this on my own. I truly believe that all the meds I've tried for this have seriously fucked me up, and I don't mean that in a funny way I mean it in a, what the hell do I do now, there's no turning back, I'm fucked for life, way. I wish I could of been stronger and said " fuck this, I don't need medication, I can handle this on my own." I did make a big deal about this when I first had it and now thinking back to that, how stupid of me, at that point, DR was a breeze, easy to ignore, not as hellish or bad as it is now. I could do normal things and live my life without being scared. I wish I could go back in time. I should of just left my brain healthy. I was in on zoloft, ability and Ativan in the beginning, was on them from Aug till Dec when I decided I wanted to be weaned off the meds, then things got worse, went back to the doctor that same day and got lexapro, stayed with that until the end of December and saw my doctor again and he added seroquel to my lexapro, took those both from the beginning of January to February, only 5 weeks on the med, I didn't give them enough time because on them, I got worse again, my doctor just told me to stop taking them, didn't even tell me to wean off them just STOP taking them, so I did. Weeks later, now I feel even worse. DR at this point feels like a cancer. My brain feels completely fucked. I should also mention that I have been taking Ativan for 6 months, I won't lie, I take it everyday because this intense, debilitating DR is not a joke. I feel like I'm going to fall down when I walk, still can't figure out where I am or where I'm going, I can't sense where I am, loud noises scare me and hurt my brain, reading my iPad right now is hurting my brain and making me feel disoriented. I feel like getting from one place to another is very difficult because I can hardly walk around in my room, can't navigate where I am or going or where I'm standing or what I'm looking at. This is all my fault. All these scary symptoms are not right. Each day I'm getting worse. I feel disabled. Getting dressed is even hard to do. My head feels so strange, Hmmm, I wonder why, cause I was a dumb ass and filled it with meds and didn't know what I was doing and nothing has helped. I can barely stand up because I don't know where I am. My chest hurts and my heart never stays at a calm level it just thumps and thumps. Then I think maybe I've over done it with the Ativan, it's a .5 dose and I take one a day. All these questions fill my mind and I there's no turning back now. Looking back at it, I could of handled this without meds, what was I thinking, I mean at the time I didn't know any better because I had never experienced this ever in my life. I've made my life a living hell and I think these meds are too blame. I've never once said that I'm feeling better during this time because I just keep feeling worse. I have this terrible fear that I'm going to die because this level or DR is no fucking joke. I feel like a vegetable. Could the meds have done this to me? It seems like it messed up my brain some how. I know everyone tells me not to be scared and to accept this but I am terrified, I'm terrified of every sensation, being anywhere, even being in my house sometimes because there is no relief. I have not slept in two days. If it this bad and I mean, it's very bad right now. I don't know if there is any hope. Yes it sounds negative but I am so sick of this. I just need a miracle, a sign that even when it's this horribly bad, that by the grace of god it will get better. I really feel like I'm dying. At this point I either need a miracle or god to save me. It bothers me that it just keeps getting worse and worse, it has never gotten better. At all. I've fucked up. What I want to know is, is do you think the meds could of causes all these scary symptoms? I even feel dizzy and drunk and woozy. My body feels so weak, my legs especially makes me feel like I am losing my balance. I I need some answers. I'm seriously running out of time. What other options do I have?


I did the same thing to myself at first. I was desperate for help and the dr put me on prozac (which is what triggered my dp both times I got it) and klonopin. I felt good the first week and then just felt nothing. I had to go see a psych nurse practitioner and she decided to double my dose of prozac since I wasn't feeling anything. It made my dp insanely bad. So I had to wean off of it. I ended up trying Effexor next, which I swear to you is the liquor of Satan. It made me feel like there were two people in my head. There was me and then there was this other line of thought that was rapid and never stopped. 24 hours a day there was this jabber in my head. It drove me to the point of being suicidal. So I was admitted to the hospital for the 2nd time and tried on a couple more medications, all of which made me worse. Finally, the dr tried me on lamictal (lamotrogene)and it stopped the chatter in my head. I started to feel well again but a week later I started getting intense overawareness. The overawareness increased to the point where I felt like every thought and movement were being screamed at me. I would freak out over everything and I ended up just having to lay in my bed, in the dark, not moving. I went back to my psych nurse practitioner and she refused to let me stop. So I stopped seeing her. I went to see my regular doctor and she agreed I needed to come off of it. So I weaned off. I was in a bad place and beat myself up for going down the medication route. I did keep taking the klonopin and after enough time had passed, the meds left my system and I slowly started to get better.

Yes, I do think that the medication made you worse but the good news is that the effects will eventually fade and you won't feel this bad. You didn't give yourself brain damage.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

But the effects should of faded by now.









I feel like I have dug myself into this deep hole.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Melissa_Z said:


> But the effects should of faded by now.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not necassarily. When you take medications like antidepressants and antipsychotics, they work to change your brain chemistry. That can take weeks or months for your brain to "correct" itself. True, with dp/dr, our brain chemistry is not correct in the first place but the good news is that your body will default to where you were before meds. So you'll go right back to where you started from and after having been where you are at now, you will be able to work your way out of it from that point on.

The first time I got dp, I thought it was from overdosing on prozac. I took 80 mg in 2 days, which is supposed to be like a week's worth of medication. My doctor told me that is would be weeks before it was completely out of my system. Weeks for just an 80 mg dose. You were on those meds for months. You have to just try to relax and give your body time to get rid of them. You can drink lot so water to help your body flush them out but what it still comes down to that your brain needs time to correct the imbalance that the medication caused. That takes time. Just do what you've been doing, watching movies to distract yourself, and know that your body is working for you, not against you.


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## flipwilson (Aug 19, 2006)

First I have to totally agree with TFP that effexor is the absolute worst medication in the world. I took it for one week and I felt like my nervous was being strangled by a grizzly bear and then I would proceed to shit my brains out every morning. um no thanks doc. I've been very anti-medication since I had my ocd in 2000. If some try it and it works good for them and I wouldn't judge anyone that takes them, but for me they are useless. I've taken anafranil and klonopin and both sent me spiraling down not up. Most meds were never intended for long term use and many of them only work out sheer luck. The side effects can often be worse then the symptoms and there is no true clinical proof that what the pill gives you is what you are missing. The fact that your doctor had you on three different things is an atrocity.

As far as the effects fading by now, that's not necessarily true. It may take some time to go back to your default dp mode. The brain is tired and its been all over the place as far as medications are concerned. TFP is right that your body is working for you. It is always trying to achieve balance. If those meds can mess with your head then there is no reason to believe that some good vitamins, some proper sleep, and some normal exercise(the most important) can help you at the very least get back to where you were.


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

...


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Yes it does take time to return to pre-med conditions. These were pretty heavy duty drugs so give it time, a lot of time. Also maybe try some de-tox things like drinking lots of water, exercise and healthy foods. Some foods have some really good de-toxifying abilities. Not sure what they are but google probably would help.


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## kaitlyn_b (Jun 9, 2010)

Melissa one of the main reasons I even look at this site anymore is to see updates from people on how theyre feeling. Im so sorry youre struggling and im not going to minimize what your feeling and the severity of it. I can remember begging for hope from others and people seriously dumbfounded at how I felt and telling me in essence that I was overreacting. Listen to the advice given in this thread. Its good advice. Your body and brain are amazing machines and naturally seeks to find balance. It is also a trifecta. Mind, body, spirituality. All three have to be aligned in order for everything to feel right. Eventually there will just be a little something off and the days of severe DR will be a distant and faded memory. I am now about 90% recovered and just dealing with the memory of severe DR and the anxiety and depression it brought to me. But just last night as I lay in bed I thought to myself how much better I am even just from a month ago and how it can only get better from here. The only thing I would add is that I would start fighting to get yourself in the best physical shape possible. My mom would say all of the time (she is an rn) Give your body something to work with. Take a holistic approach. Pray everyday. Really really pray. Try to get in tune with god. Eat a mediterranean diet. Whole foods, vegetables, fish etc. take vitamins b complex, chlorophyl liquid, coconut oil, at least 1000 vitamin d, Fish oil liquid. Everyday! Get exercise. I cant stress this enough. You have to give your body something to work with. You have to do this everyday melissa. for MONTHS. just think everyday that if you miss one day youre adding on more timw it takes to recover. Focus on feeling better, not how bad you are. Give it time. You struggle with this the most and I understand. When you are suffering time is your worst enemy. You are still dwelling on this med thing. Forget it. Its not going to change. You cant turn back time. Just go forward and fight to get some relief. You cant just sit at home everyday watching tv and dwelling on all of the things things you wish you could change, popping ativan everyday and expect to feel better? Not to sound harsh but its never going to happen that way. I know because ive been right where you are! You can get better. But only you can make that decision.


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