# 30 Days Challenge Logs



## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 1:*

Today started with a trip to the psychiatrist, my second ever, not the ideal way to start 30 days of forgetting about DP but hey! Ended up arguing with her and left feeling rough and highly frustrated. I realized on the drive home though, the fact that talking about stuff with her and getting stressed made me feel so crap is just reinforcement that this is all mentally induced and nothing physical, so that was a positive!

I'd planned to play tennis with a friend after this, but he cancelled at the last minute, so I decided to go swimming instead only to find out that the pool was closed lol. In a last ditch effort to salvage the day I ended up having a workout in my garden! (outside!!!)

Workout felt great, I've avoided working out in the garden before for obvious reasons, but today any symptoms were laughed off as "just anxiety" and as Nina Simone would say I'm feeeeeelin' good!

Thought I'd post up today's log rather early since I'm just gonna be chilling out for the evening and getting an early night, got a big day tomorrow!

Look forward to hearing about how you guys got on.


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

*Day One (Thursday): *

My friend, who was staying with me this entire week, and I go to the park and swing on the swings. We Skype call with a few girls across the country. We watch the movie Garden State, which puts a sad spin on things. We sleep.

* Day Two (Friday): *

We drive my friend home, which was a ten-hour car ride. I listen to Adele music and introduce my mom to the musical stylings of G Love and Special Sauce. I come home and cuddle with my cat for three hours.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I'm not off to a good start, guys. :s


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

Zee Deveel said:


> Ended up arguing with her and left feeling rough and highly frustrated.
> 
> I'd planned to play tennis with a friend after this, but he cancelled at the last minute, so I decided to go swimming instead only to find out that the pool was closed lol. In a last ditch effort to salvage the day I ended up having a workout in my garden! (outside!!!)
> 
> Workout felt great, I've avoided working out in the garden before for obvious reasons, but today any symptoms were laughed off as "just anxiety" and as Nina Simone would say I'm feeeeeelin' good!


ugh @ arguing. That's no fun.

What trouble! At least you found something to do in the end.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

junkinmahcranium said:


> *Day One (Thursday): *
> 
> My friend, who was staying with me this entire week, and I go to the park and swing on the swings. We Skype call with a few girls across the country. We watch the movie Garden State, which puts a sad spin on things. We sleep.
> 
> ...


Hey it doesn't sound like you're off to such a bad start, at least you've spent plenty of time outside! It's early days yet, still 28 more to go so don't worry if things aren't going perfectly yet hehe.

I watched Garden State about a year after my mum died, made me cry.

Is that some guitar tab at the end there?









*Day 2:*

Was supposed to be going fishing with my Dad today, but had to cancel it due to inclement meteorological conditions.

I spent the morning sitting around playing computer games and I felt depressed and lethargic. Then I got kinda pissed at myself and decided to up and go swimming. As soon as I left the house and felt the sun on my face I felt 10x better.

At the pool I felt really weak, I think because I worked out pretty hard the previous day but I pushed through it and had probably the best swim of recent times. I managed 250m front crawl (freestyle) without stopping which is the most I've done in one go since I was a kid. I began to feel pretty good about myself and life. Looking around the pool things didn't look so odd really, which made me very happy.

In the evening I went to watch Inception with my best mate who I've barely spent anytime with lately. Aside from the actual film freaking me out a bit, it was an enjoyable evening. I left the cinema feeling quite groggy but I knew it would pass.

We decided to go out at night to a rock club. It was pretty boring and I ended up telling my brother's girlfriend to "fuck off" because she was throwing a tantrum. However despite the boredom and then the drama of the night, I didn't worry at all about any anxiety or other feelings and just got on with it. I remember the last few times I'd been out (which isn't often), I had a lot of heart palpitations / pounding and I was very distracted in my interactions because I was concentrating on myself and my heart, none of which was really present this time.

So my mood was up n down today but overall it was a success in the context of the challenge, so I'm happy.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Weekend - Days 3 & 4:*

Alright this weekend sucked, I felt I should go out on Friday night because that's what I'd likely do if I was 100% and they say you should try to go about your life normally despite the DP. Anyway it seemed I wasn't ready for the late night and drinking and I felt terrible over the weekend. On Saturday I went out to do a little shopping and on Sunday I had a light workout in the garden - practicing some gymnastic holds.

So utter failure here, but a learning experience all the same.

*Day 5:*

Monday I went to play tennis with a friend, but I knew upon waking up that it wasn't going to go well. I still was feeling terrible after my Friday night escapades and thought about cancelling. In the name of the challenge though, I went... and soon regretted it. It was very hot and I felt rather bad already, combine this with exercise and I had an awful time, had to stop after about 20 minutes and go home.

HOWEVER! I've learned to push myself gently now. It's all well and good pushing through your comfort zones, but only when you feel up to it, otherwise you take backwards steps. Even though I feel crappy, I know it was just because of the weekend and it's only a matter of time before I start feeling good again.









*Day 6:*

Tuesday still feeling bad, I took the dog for a walk in the afternoon because I knew I had to get out the house for some reason and I couldn't face anything more energetic. I didn't feel good for the walk, but I kept telling myself "This is just because of anxiety, last week you felt good, you will get over this soon." and "At least you made it outside, even though it doesn't feel like one now, this is another battle won and soon I'll win the war."

I basically kept that stuff going round and round in my head till I got home and it managed to keep my mood up.

In the afternoon I practiced more gymnastic holds: L-Sits, Planches, Front Levers etc and did some Pull Ups, Dips, Ab Rollouts. Was a fun little workout, I'm starting to really advocate gymnastic moves for workouts, makes things more interesting than pumping iron day in day out. I tried to go on the exercise bike after this but soon had to stop as I began to feel extremely weak and dizzy! Guess once again I tried to push too hard.

So not a great few days really, but some small victories and knowledge to be taken.

I really believe it's only a matter of time before I start to feel better, so I'll keep going.


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

I failed the challenge. Got really depressed the other night and ended up cutting, a lot.
DP has won this battle.
[not the war. but just this battle.]

sorry :/


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

Hey no need to apologise, you've not let anyone down.

Give it another shot when you're feeling a bit better, perhaps this wasn't a good time for you to start.

I hope you don't mean you're cutting yourself though? :S


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

I read this thread when you started it and I really liked the idea. I didn't purposely set out to do it but I've just been staying active anyhow. So I want to continue the journey and have some other people to try it with.

*Day 1:*
Went to get an ultrasound done for the second time and this time they found out I have Endometriosis. I'm so thrilled and relieved to know what has been wrong with me the last few years but I'm not quite sure how serious it is yet. More to come on that later at my next appointment. I had a good cry on the phone with my mom cause I was so happy and then went out to eat at a nice restaurant in the city by myself. Then I got a haircut and told her to chop off more than usual just to have a change. That night, I went out with my friend to the movies and we saw Inception. Blew my mind!

*Day 2:*
Got up really early and packed my bags to head to my hometown. Then I drove with my family to Ohio to go to Cedar Point. Got to lay out in the sun for a lot of hours by the pool and go swimming at the hotel and went out to eat some really good ribs, cornbread and a strawberry daiquiri , which all tasted really great. Except that I'm having a problem with eating meat lately, don't know why, and while I usually love ribs, I did not enjoy them as much.

*Day 3:*
Woke up before everyone in my family. Just couldn't sleep any longer. I basically have pain all the time now because of the Endometriosis and even though it's not unbearable amounts of pain, it's enough to keep me from sleeping. I read some of the new book I've been getting into, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which was recommended to me while I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office. Great book. A little triggering for dp but I've completely took the term "dp" out of my life like a bad lover I want to forget. I pretend I don't have feelings of it, just as I would pretend I don't have feelings for an old lover. I don't think about it anymore but I've done this enough to know it's not going to make a difference if I ignore it or not. However, it will make life quite a bit more fun if I do pretend it doesn't exist. So onward with my day. My dad woke up and so we went downstairs to get some coffee and tea, which I love doing on vacation because I'm an adventurous tea drinker and I want to try every tea ever made. Some girl from my school's rivaling team came up to me and saw my school sweatshirt and said "that's horrible" about me going there. She didn't crack a smile and she kind of freaked me out. But we beat them in football every year so I guess I'm not worried lol. Me and my dad spent some time by the pool and watched the funny little birds. Finally, everybody was up and we made our way to Cedar Point, although I was starting to feel a little more sick. I suck at rollercoasters and my little sister shows me up at it. I did go on the snoopy rollercoaster (lol) while my little sister held my hand to give me support ahahah but that was the extent of my extremeness and even that one freaked me out although it was a blast. It was nice to be in 90 degree weather all day, sweating like crazy, and doing a ton of people watching while basking in the sun. Got to go on a water ride too. Also, the dragster is the craziest motherfucking rollercoaster I've ever seen in my life. I think I could watch that rollercoaster go all day and not get sick of it. Pure insanity. This also felt like the longest day of my life. Not really sure why but I was okay with it. We drove home that night as a family and my little sister and her friend asked me if I would stay up and hang out with them so I did while they painted their nails and do things that 12 and 13 year olds do. We fell asleep watching alice in wonderland.

*Day 4:*
Was supposed to go to Chicago with a sushi chef I met last week at a restaurant by the pier but things never came together in time on my end so I promised for another day. I went to yoga with my mom instead and on the way there, my mom and I were so into our discussion that she was speeding quite a bit and got pulled over and was given a ticket. Bummer. Although the cop mentioned that my school has a great football team, so he seemed nice enough. Yoga felt good but it never makes me feel "mental clarity" like they always claim it will. It just makes me feel dreamy and depersonalized and then it reminds me of dp whenever I walk out because I actually tune into my feelings for one second and realize I have dp and am kind of disappointed. You see, I have a fabulous system of distraction I've been working out the last year or so and it involved doing multiple things at a time and ignoring all human feelings such as hunger or sadness or whatever because that could lead back to feeling depersonalized. It's not the greatest setup, this I know, but it's not permanent. It's just giving me a chance to go out and live life right now and when I'm ready to embrace my problems, I suppose I'll come back to them but it doesn't sound so appealing at the moment. I realize I'm fortunate to be able to have this kind of mind control but at the same time it kind of pisses me off because you'd think I'd have found a solution by this point. Anyway, me and my mom went to the grocery store, which always has the best samples and you can almost make a meal out of it. By the way, if you haven't realized at this point, I love food and that will probably be mentioned in every one of my days. It's the one thing that keeps me connected lately. That and smells.

*Day 5*
Today, I'll admit, I was a bit lazy but I'm okay with it. Sometimes your body needs time to rest. Had a slow start but I was out of the house by noon with bags packed, ready to make my trip back to my apartment on the west side of the state. Unfortunately, I got stuck in stopped traffic on the expressway and ended up missing my statistics class. I ended up going to mcdonalds to get a frozen lemonade thing and then I just decided to get food there (yuck, i seriously hate fast food). I don't know why I did it but I guess sometimes it's more the thrill of doing something I think I shouldn't do that makes me happy. I do it all the time now with various things. I didn't even end up eating most of my meal just cause I have the belly of a bird and like I said before, meat issue. I came home and was exhausted. Something about driving is exhausting. So I took a nice nap and then went grocery shopping, which is one of my favorite things to do. Came home to my apartment and spent inordinate amounts of time organizing my pantry and refrigerator. Then I came up here to write this fine entry and realized how long it's taking. I just realized someone above me has been posting about gymnastics. That's really neat to hear that you are into that. I'm a former gymnast but I miss the hell out of it. I hope you have more to share about your gymnastics holds. I'd love to read.

Hopefully these won't be this long all the time for your own sake! Felt a bit cathartic though. 
I really love reading about everybody's life on here. It's such a refreshing thread to have on this forum. GREAT IDEA. I hope more people join in. 
Peace


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

Zee Deveel said:


> Hey no need to apologise, you've not let anyone down.
> 
> Give it another shot when you're feeling a bit better, perhaps this wasn't a good time for you to start.
> 
> I hope you don't mean you're cutting yourself though? :S


Okay. I'll try it again in a few weeks maybe.
Yes that is what I mean.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

Woah Peachy, that's a great post. You're kicking my ass on the activity front, I hope this helps me to step up my game! ... I suppose it'd be wise not to see this as a competition, but it is does make me feel like I could do better! I especially need to work on the being social side of things.

Inception blew my mind too, I left feeling like I was stuck in a damn dream, I barely held my shit together until I could get out of the cinema lol. Great film though.









My gymnastics skills are pretty appauling I'm afraid so nothing to get excited about. I've just started learning some and I don't have much equipment to do them on, only a pull-up bar and a homemade dip station. They're so much more fun to do than lifting weights though (and I do enjoy weight lifting). I just love the idea of being able to have so much control over your own body (even if I'm struggling with controlling my mind!! lol).







My aim is to be able to do planche push-push ups and hand-stand push ups.

Junky, I never got why people did that, I suppose it's a self hatred kinda thing. I really hope you don't continue to do it though, you seem like a lovely, pretty girl, there's really no need for you to be doing that.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

Hey do you know anything about Crossfit? It's basically exactly what you are doing...a mixture of gymnastics and weightlifting (sorta). If you don't know about it, seems like you'd be into to it.

I think you are doing great on the activity front. Nothing to be worried about! Fun to read too.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

peachy said:


> Hey do you know anything about Crossfit? It's basically exactly what you are doing...a mixture of gymnastics and weightlifting (sorta). If you don't know about it, seems like you'd be into to it.
> 
> I think you are doing great on the activity front. Nothing to be worried about! Fun to read too.


The Crossfit training style is pretty cool, but they're a bit too cult like and have been guilty of promoting dangerous methods of training in the past. So I'm not a big fan.

I do follow the training methodology of Ross Enamait though, he's a boxing / mma conditioning coach who uses pretty similar methods.


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## junkinmahcranium (Jun 29, 2010)

Zee Deveel said:


> Junky, I never got why people did that, I suppose it's a self hatred kinda thing. I really hope you don't continue to do it though, you seem like a lovely, pretty girl, there's really no need for you to be doing that.


self hatred, trying to see if I'm real and have feeling, etc.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 7:*

Wednesday and not feeling so great again. Really wanted to do some exercise so I didn't fall behind my fitness goals but I couldn't face doing something strenuous outdoors as I find it makes me feel worse, so I went swimming.

If you guys ever want a way of blowing off some steam where you won't notice your DP/DR so much, go swimming, it's great! How can you notice how weird everything looks when you spend half the time with your head submerged and the other half looking through steamed up goggles?! I highly recommend it.

I left swimming feeling a great deal better. I was sharing a lane with a pretty cute girl who I flirted with a bit whenever we stopped at the same time, that was kinda fun. Not had much opportunity for flirtation in a while!

*Day 8:*

Thursday, I sat in the bath for a long time starting at the wall in the morning. I realised I'm still spending far too much time thinking about my DP/DR and need to keep up to activities which take my mind off it... So I think I'm gonna be going swimming a lot more often. Anyway I decided to go to the museum with my Dad.

I felt rough all the way there and for most of the time we were in there, kinda had to feign interest in any of it and just wanted to be out there. For short peroids when we actually found something interesting, I forgot about how I felt and got outside of my own head. Those periods were good.

On the way home and for the afternoon I really felt fed up, like this is all getting too much.

I e-mailed a specialist psychiatrist shortly after this who gave me some tips for getting refered to see him. I believe he's someone who may be able to help me, his quick response and helpful information cheered me up somewhat.

In the early evening I did a bit of deadlifting and some exercises for helping me get into a planche position (gymnastic hold).

Now at 8:30pm I'm supposed to be going out to see my friend play a gig, but I've flaked. I'm really feeling low right now and I just can't face it.

The first few days of this challenge were going really well because when I started it I felt good and I kept that positivity through the first few days. Going out and drinking on the weekend messed me up and I've felt crap ever since. Then forcing myself to go and do things outside my comfort zone when I'm already feeling crap is compounding the issue.

So I think I might take a day or two off from the challenge. Just gonna try to chill out, remember why I felt good last week and get my mood right for the days to come.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

*Day 1*

I didn't do _anything_ today. However today is the first day I've stopped fearing depersonalization. There's no point in fighting it. I'm trying to counter the negative thoughts about myself and my life but they're too strong. :[ I sort of wasted this week but I did have a successful Thurs-Sun and I'm going hiking this weekend with my cousin. My ultimate goal is to build up a satisfying social life... which seems impossible because I do not enjoy being with people anymore. Even at Six Flags last Saturday I just wanted it to be over. It's like work. I don't want to be social because it doesn't feel good. It's hard and painful. Like running. I hate doing it but I feel good afterwards. I think I'm going to start running again...


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

spierdalaj said:


> *Day 1*
> 
> I didn't do _anything_ today. However today is the first day I've stopped fearing depersonalization. There's no point in fighting it. I'm trying to counter the negative thoughts about myself and my life but they're too strong. :[ I sort of wasted this week but I did have a successful Thurs-Sun and I'm going hiking this weekend with my cousin. My ultimate goal is to build up a satisfying social life... which seems impossible because I do not enjoy being with people anymore. Even at Six Flags last Saturday I just wanted it to be over. It's like work. I don't want to be social because it doesn't feel good. It's hard and painful. Like running. I hate doing it but I feel good afterwards. I think I'm going to start running again...


Which Six Flags did you go to? I went to Magic Mountain in California a few years ago, it was freaking awesome.









I know what you mean about not feeling like you can have a social life anymore. I don't feel like I can relate to people or that I'll have much worth sharing with them.

I hope that improving my life by getting out more and doing more stuff will help me to feel more like a normal person and then I'll start to enjoy other people's company a little more.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

*Day 6:*
My roommate (who isn't living here for the summer) stopped by at my apartment and we went to the beach together. We ended up seeing friends we knew at the beach and hung out with them. Came home and seriously passed out with sandy feet in my now sandy bed. Watched tv and was lazy all night haha.

*Day 7:*
Woke up super early with pain again. Talked to my friend Matty and drank chamomile tea so I could fall back asleep. Got up and made puppy chow for fun. Then I headed off for a long day at the computer lab to work on assignments for my statistics class for six hours. Two of our group partners didn't show up so we worked on it ourselves. Ran to my car and got stuck in the rain







hehe and then warmed up with some rose tea. Came home and was in serious pain again so laid down curled up in my bed for a couple hours and then made yummy broccoli. Watching tv right now and watching the storm come in. There is a tornado making it's way over too. Hopefully it misses here or maybe that might be exciting! Except I don't have anywhere safe to go in my apartment. Under the stairs is safe, yeah? So, haven't been up to much but I guess it'll get more exciting once the weekend comes. 
Also, I think this log has been more helpful for me in ways I never realized it would. It's helping me see my life with some sense of time, which I'm usually never able to comprehend. Also, I feel very split and dissociated, like a broken mirror with different parts of my consciousness taking over at different times and so it's easy to forget everything. This has helped me realize I'm one person who is living life even though it might not feel that way.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

Peachy-- I love tea too! I'm going to try to make some. But how?











Zee Deveel said:


> Which Six Flags did you go to? I went to Magic Mountain in California a few years ago, it was freaking awesome.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Six Flags New England; it's my second home.









Glad to know I'm not the only one. :/ Well, not glad but you know.







I guess practice is key!


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

*Day 8:*
Woke up late today at last--8 am. Got a chance to sleep in today though so I went back to bed. Must have really needed it cause I slept forever. Cleaned the apartment up. Then I painted most the day. So many hours went by, I didn't even realize. One of my roommates came home from summer camp for the evening so we went out and ran some errands together and giggled and talked about everything under the sun. There is a party I've been wanting to go to tonight but of course, I'm half ready and the pain starts. So i've been waiting it out hoping it will go away but it hasn't yet. Maybe the beer I'm drinking will numb the pain enough where I am able to go and have a good time. My brain is saying yes but my body is saying no. At least it is not dp holding me back, that's all I've got to say. But I don't want to let my friend down who I've promised to I'd go. I'm going to try and go.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

I feel weird being the only one doin this. I hope someone joins in soon!

*Day 9:*
I woke up at 5 am from a nightmare that made me feel physically sick. Then my roommate came back from the party around 5:30 and we talked for a little while (she had a bit of an issue at the party with this guy) and then I tried to go back to bed. They had to get up early anyway for a wedding so I didn't get much sleep at all. Me and my guy friend have been trying to plan a time we can go out on a coffee date together. We finally got to today and we went to a cute little coffee shop in the city. I got really wonderful herbal tea that was bright purple. We talked about the film he's acting in as well as everything else under the sun and walked around all of the city. It was a really nice day. Somehow, 4 or 5 hours went by without us realizing so we made our way back home. It was the best day I've had in a while. I mean, i've liked the last month a whole lot but this was an especially good one. It just felt really good in the sunshine and walking and making a good connection with someone new. More to come in that area of my life. I spent the night at home alone on a saturday night (I have no idea why). My roommate invited me to go out but I declined. I'm not quite sure why I didn't make any plans because I was restless and wanted to go out and do something. I talked with my coffee friend again and then I went off to bed.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

*Day 2*

Uhh I forgot what happened? I think I vacuumed.

*Day 3*

Hiked from Crawford Notch up to the Mizpah Hut which was only like 6 miles (less?) but it was hot and hard and uphill and I only slept 3 hours the previous night. Bad bad day. Hardest 6 miles ever, lol. Plus we had to sleep in tents and it was all just so inconvenient. I like meeting people on the trail, though. There was this thru-hiker from England that we gave kielbasa to. He didn't want our tuna but sausage? Oh sure!

*Day 4*

Hike an easy 5 miles to the next hut. By now we are above treeline, up in the clouds. It was fascinating. Imagine standing alone on a big round chunk of earth with clouds and western wind trying to push you off. You can hardly see 20 feet in front of you. It. was. magical. Anyway so we leave the hut and head down to Pinkham but first oh whats this? Mt. Washington? 0.6 miles? Ugh my group wanted to hike it and I'm like NOWAY are you crazy?! I will die. So of course we went, got some clam chowder at the top. Wind ripped my face clean off. We hike back down, down Tuckerman Ravine (which is much prettier in real life). OH and we saw a cute widdle black bear cub! So of course we're crapping our pants with fear because momma bear must be around.

*Day 5*

Never been sorer in my life. Probably just going to relax today.









I did not enjoy this hike. It was only 2 days, I liked my last 5 day one, although that one was too short as well. Dp came to mind occasionally, but it was nowhere near as often as during other hikes. Other hikes I'd randomly get hit with a bad DR episode and need to stop and reassure myself. This time no such thing happened. I was much more tired this time. The hike was _way_ harder. Yet dp was very low! I'd say it has significantly improved since early July. Talking to people was easy, natural, etc. I can't guarantee recovery by the end of August because school starts up again + I'm moving = extreme stress. But I might recover by fall.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

spierdalaj said:


> *Day 2*
> 
> Uhh I forgot what happened? I think I vacuumed.
> 
> ...


Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Did you go with a group of friends? I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it but it's good you got to accomplish something and see the rewards of it from the top. Sounds like you like to hike often. That's something I'd like to get into doing.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

*Day 10:*
I promise one of these days it's not going to be about waking up at 5 am. But alas, my roommate brought loud drunk people home at 5 am and then I felt sick at 6 so I slept most the afternoon away. I went to the mall, which was actually really relaxing and I didn't seem to notice the people there, save for the people that came up to me and asked if I needed help. I've been thinking about working in retail and I realize how annoying and stressful it must be and I feel bad for these people so I'm extra nice to them and smile and give them lots of eye contact cause I'm sure most people go in there looking for help and don't really put much effort at even looking at them in the eyes or ignore them and want them to get out of their sight. And with some of the ones that looked bored, I gave them something to do by asking them questions about something with the clothing. One girl brought me nearly every pair of pants in the store, bless her heart. And they were all too big. Either I'm shrinking or pants are getting bigger every year. I was very much in my own world besides all of that that. I don't have money to spend because i'm without a job so I just tried things on and put them back on the shelf. I came home and I have a complete block of memory of what happened following. Oh, I think I played some piano. And then, my coffee friend (I feel I need some other way to refer to him at this point but don't like using names) came over after filming and we watched Romeo and Juliet together. And then kissed. It was a good night.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

I'm still with ya Peachy!

The last couple of days have been a bit mad, been up and down to Bournemouth (city on the coast about 150 miles from me where my brother lives) because he's split up with his girlfriend and we've been moving her stuff back.

I'm still down here for a few days consoling him, so my log is on the back burner, but needless to say I've been busy lol.

I'll restart officially tomorrow with my daily posts.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

peachy said:


> Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Did you go with a group of friends? I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it but it's good you got to accomplish something and see the rewards of it from the top. Sounds like you like to hike often. That's something I'd like to get into doing.


I went with a couple friends, my mom and my cousin. Yeah I guess it's nice to say, "I hiked that thing"







I actually sorta hate hiking but it's my favorite hobby.

And hmm Mr. Coffee "Friend"







I admire you for being so social, lol. Like I said before, it feels like a job to me. Labor.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

*Day 11:*
My friend came to visit from out of town. Had a great time, drank some beers, and stayed up all night. Fun time. Too much to explain so I'll leave it at that.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

*Day 12:*
Said goodbye to my friend that came to visit and had a big exam to study for most the morning and afternoon. I made a yummy egg and cheese on a bagel for breakfast for brain power and listened to some Regina Spektor to cheer me up and get me out of my funk. While I can say that I was worried for my exam when I first woke up in the morning, by the time I was taking off for class I had a sense of confidence and calmness about what I was stepping into. Even though I was unsure about my preparedness, it seemed like everything would end up okay. Then I went to class to take the exam and we had the most awesome fill in professor for the day. He told us to enjoy our exams and not to stress and gave us some life tips lol. I think it actually went okay. I always seem to pull together for exams at the last minute and I have no idea how. I guess I do well under that sort of pressure. But who knows, maybe I didn't even get a good grade hah. I was supposed to go out to dinner tonight with someone but I just feel like staying in and getting some things done around the apartment. There's plenty of opportunities in the upcoming days to have some fun.

I also forgot to mention that I had a pretty bad bout of dp last night. I allowed myself to feel something and then it all went downhill. It's hard to decide which is most important and what is worth giving up but at this point in my life, I feel like I'd rather give up some of the things healthy people can do to save my happiness. I'm glad that I woke up and that terrible bout was gone. But it makes me realize how close I must stay within certain boundaries. I realized I set rules up for myself but this was my first time breaking them in a while and I've learned my lesson. I felt like I betrayed myself. There's some things I will not experience and that is that.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

I'm the same when it comes to exams Peachy, I never prepare but I don't worry too much 'cause I know I can get by on my intellect. Normally anyway, sometimes I get a shock and a terrible grade though lol.

I'd like to hear a bit about what these boundaries you've set for yourself are and how you broke them though... That is if you don't mind sharing. It all seems a bit cryptic and spooky!









*Day 13:*

Still at my brother's place in Bournemouth on the South Coast of England. Woke up today feeling kinda stressed and pissed off again. Decided I really need to work harder at improving my life situation so I planned a bunch of stuff for the today. First on the agenda was to go for a big ass walk from this town to the next along the beach.

I set off about 11:00, the sun was really beating down and I felt like my head was literally cooking. I was wearing jeans too which was a bit dumb! By the time I got to the next town I felt dizzy, sick and my DP was the worst it's ever been. I walked down to the water's edge, took off my shoes and shirt, rolled up my jeans and went for a bit of a splash about to cool down. This helped somewhat and I headed back.

I reckon I'm attacking my DP from the wrong angle. I've got a sense of "This thing is the enemy and it must be battered until dead.", but I don't think that's the correct way to treat it anymore. So I'm pushing a a new mindset on myself which could be summed up like "Yes I have DP, fuck it, I don't care anymore, if I keep trying to live my life and don't let it get to me, it will go away."

In the evening I went for a swim in the sea which was fun but difficult. The sea is warm enough at the moment that I don't need to wear a wetsuit which is great. First time I've swam in the sea without a wetsuit since I was a kid, but I didn't even get cold.

When I get back to Bristol (my hometown), I'm gonna try and find some activities to do which are less solitary. I'm spending too much time on my own and it's giving me too much time to think.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

Well, back to write another post. These seem to make me feel better. I'm tired so I'll make this quick.

*Day 13:*
Was so lazy today. My best friend came home from Haiti today so we spent a lot of time talking about the trip and looking at pictures. Then my roommate came to visit with a friend which got me up and about which I definitely needed. We went out to eat together and came back and talked for a while. Then they left, so I knew it was time to do the dreaded housework. I got so into it though that I ended up organizing my room and getting rid of all the clutter stuff. It feels much better in here. Then I watched some TV. Then I painted most the night and played some piano, two things which make the time go by way faster than I realize. Somehow that completes my whole day. I told you I was quite lazy







I don't regret it though.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

Zee Deveel said:


> I'm the same when it comes to exams Peachy, I never prepare but I don't worry too much 'cause I know I can get by on my intellect. Normally anyway, sometimes I get a shock and a terrible grade though lol.
> 
> I'd like to hear a bit about what these boundaries you've set for yourself are and how you broke them though... That is if you don't mind sharing. It all seems a bit cryptic and spooky!
> 
> ...


it sounds like you are in a very beautiful place


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

Yeah it is! I just need to go buy a hat or something so my head doesn't cook everytime I step out the door lol. I'm kinda stuck inside during the daytime because the heat is killing me!










That's the view from my brother's apartment at night.

*Day 14:*

Ok so my DP is pretty much the worst it's ever been still. I don't think going out and being active is the cause of it however, I think the problem is, I'm still spending too much time on my own and I'm still mentally fighting the DP.

Yesterday I stayed inside most of the day because of the damn heat, save a trip the shops. In the evening I went out to a bar on the seafront with my brother and had some freshly squeezed OJ! ... He had rum!







I've decided to quit drinking 100% now, it just doesn't agree with me anymore. One drink and my heart is pounding and I have the worst hangover the next day so that's the end of it for the time being.

I then got a really bad night's sleep, I was getting chest pains, heart palpitations and a sense of impending doom... Ahh the good old sense of impending doom, how I've missed you!







This is the first time I've felt this way in a few weeks, thought I'd beaten this. It really didn't scare me though, in fact I thought it was great. Served as a reminder that I do have anxiety problems and not some mythical fucked up head condition. The days when I feel my best are usually just after I get the panic attack / anxiety feelings, it's only then that I remember the root cause of all this. Hopefully I can use this as a springboard to reinforce my positive beliefs and kick on with getting over this. I don't think I'll ever have another panic attack, I recognise them for what they are.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

Zee Deveel - Congrats on quitting alcohol!







It's hot here too. =O I love it.

*Day 6*

Felt pretty depressed. :/ Went to see my therapist, I'm still nervous with her but I think she may be contributing to my improvement over this summer.

*Day 7* beach

I went to this gorgeous beach in Rhode Island! And guess what. I. Had. Fun. It's been a year since I felt that. I socialized a bit. Not enoughh but hey. I asked for directions to the restrooms lol and small talked with this girl I know (small world!) I boogie boarded for the first time and omg so fun haha. I just miss the ocean so much. It felt good. It was a pretty good day. I only thought of DP/DR TWICE rather than 245366075345641157858776889 times. I actually felt like I was at the beach. I was at the beach. Both mentally and physically. I got wolf-whistled at lol.









*Day 8* today

Skyped with my cousin overseas, I miss him! Going to a thrift store later tonight with mom. I'm feeling pretty good today too. I'm hoping to do something with my frand this weekend. We'lll seee. DP/DR is at an all time low bitchezz wooooo. I want to go to a concert. =O


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

Day 7 sounded awesome, congratulations.







Sounds like it could be the start of something great!

*Captain's Log, Stardate 15:*

Woke up feeling groggy and crappola as per usual, but something subtle felt different. Actually I think it was a minor indifference to how I felt. Didn't seem to bother me so much today.

I sat around bored for an hour or so in the morning, then I envisioned a day sitting around achieving nothing and thought about how I would feel at the end of that day: It did not feel good.

Decided to go check out the town, but not before having a good workout in the living room of the apartment. Had the balcony doors open with a sea view and Rage Against The Machine playing on the PC. I brought down a pull-up bar and some other pieces of equipment so I could train while I was down here.

Drove into town, walked around for a while, did some shopping, got a bit bored, it got very hot and I started to feel bad so I came back.

In the afternoon I felt tired so I thought about having a nap before I decided that I really shouldn't need one and if I keep pandering to the whims of my brain like this all the time, I'm gonna get into an awful state where I can't stay awake for more than a few hours at a time! I went swimming in the sea instead, felt great, had a good time and my swimming has improved massively. I'm starting to feel like a competent swimmer for the first time since I was a kid.

In the evening I cooked Frittata for my brother with chorizo and feta and we went out to watch the A-Team at the cinema. Just got back!

Really pleased with myself and how the day went. Keeping busy definitely keeps your mind off the DP. You gotta make sure you're feeling decent before you try and do too much though I think otherwise you'll just end up feeling awful and getting frustrated.

Anyway today was a victory and I feel much more positive about everything, hopefully I'll wake up chirpy tomorrow!


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 16:*

Didn't feel brilliant today after all but I didn't let it worry me too much. Taking each day as it comes and not fretting too much about the DP. Messed around on the computer for most of the day and had a bit of a workout.

In the evening I went for a meal with my brother and went swimming in the sea afterwards. It was really choppy and quite cold today so a bit of a struggle. Just as I was about to get out, I stepped on something sharp and my foot started to really hurt. So I hobbled to the shore and took a look at it. I felt like it might have just been a sharp stone but it was starting to really hurt and seize up. I asked a guy fishing on the bank what he thought and he told me I'd been stabbed by a Weever fish.

Long story short - it hurt like hell, I had to bathe my foot in literally boiling water to denature the venom and an hour later i was fine. Apparently if you leave it untreated it can become awful. God bless the internet!









*Day 17:*

Drove back home from Bournemouth today, gonna spend the evening chilling out with my Dad. My brother is going out with an old mate of ours who's back from Australia but we're all rugby buddies and I know what that means - a lot of drinking. So I'm gonna stay out their way for tonight lol.

Ammendment: Went for a big ass run, pushed hard.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

*Day 9*

My cousin came over and we met up with my friend at the lake and swam all day. Then my other cousin's girlfriend and him took us to the movies. They saw Inception, we saw Dinner For Schmucks, lol. It was pretty good. Steve Carell is a hilarious man. We came back home at like 1 am.

*Day 10* today

My cousin and I layed on my driveway and just talked about shit we want. Then we went swimming in the lake again, came back, tanned, and she left at like 2 because she's flying to Germany tonight. I skyped with my other other cousin again for like an hour. He's like my brother and I miss him like crazy. Now I'm just relaxing and hanging out with my other other other cousin, skype cousin's brother.
I have a lot of cousins.









The dp worsened slightly in the movie theater, once we were sitting. I felt like, pressure over my whole head it was weird and I was worrying about hematoma. I concluded that even if I do have a subdural hematoma, there's nothing I can do about it. My mom will not take me to the doctor and definitely will not get me tested. I will just have to die. Oddly, this made me feel incredibly at peace. Not having options is nice. I always feel a heavy weight of responsibility of keeping myself alive.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

spierdalaj said:


> even if I do have a subdural hematoma


What? You don't have that. I don't even know what that is but I'm telling you, you don't have it.

I was 100% convinced I was gonna die of a heart attack any second 4-5 months ago. Now I'm going swimming, running, lifting weights. It's just anxiety, whatever underlying illness you think you might have, you really don't. Please stop worrying about stuff like that.









Sounds like you've been doing awesome apart from that though! Swimming en plein air seems to be the mode du jour! .. Along with French expressions.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

Zee Deveel said:


> What? You don't have that. I don't even know what that is but I'm telling you, you don't have it.
> 
> I was 100% convinced I was gonna die of a heart attack any second 4-5 months ago. Now I'm going swimming, running, lifting weights. It's just anxiety, whatever underlying illness you think you might have, you really don't. Please stop worrying about stuff like that.
> 
> ...


It's a form of traumatic brain injury. When I was 10 or 11 years old I fell from a height and hit pavement headfirst. My moronic parents didn't take me to a doctor. Coincidentally after that I withdrew from my friends, became depressed and anxious. Maybe it was meant to be, I hope it was. Either way it doesn't matter because I'll never find out. My fears are rational. Hopefully it's a coincidence. I was a stressed child anyway. Maybe the withdrawal was due to the embarassment of the fall itself. My parents looked down on me for falling, as if it were my fault! It was traumatic emotionally, if not so much physically. Who cares.

Yeah it's good to live by a lake.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 18:*

Haha crap, I honestly can't remember what happened, I need to start writing these up more frequently! Weak. :/

*Day 19:*

Went walking with my Dad and the dog in the morning. It was pretty strenuous for having only just woken up and the sun was already beating down, made me feel pretty lousey. I slept it off in the afternoon and got in a good workout.

*Day 20:*

Hardcore swim today, bout an hour, left me pretty fudged. I'm on a quest to get super ripped at the moment, it's going well. Pretty strict on the diet as well as the workouts. Been snacking on shit like broccoli and carrots lol.

Spent the evening studying a business correspondance course I invested in a little while ago. Found this quite triggering due to frustration. Having to re-read lines over and over as my concentration sucks was starting to piss me off despite my best efforts to remain calm. Also worrying about how I'm ever gonna put any of this to use with this condition. Still I'm sure if I really commit myself, I'll manage.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

It's been forever since I've updated! I think this will make it hard to recall much of what I've been doing but I'll try my best to do so.

*Day 14:*
Woke up and went to class. That night, two of my friends (coffee friend and another) that are working on the film I told you about suggested I come as an extra for the film. I was a little hesitant about going cause I've never done anything like that but I think the beer I had with dinner and a little cajoling from my friend made me a little more willing. So I packed up and was on my way. When I arrived, the first thing I noticed was the incredibleness of the street corner chosen for the scene. The lighting was perfect and the streets were damp from water. It looked like an incredible dream. I really felt like I was in some 3D world for a moment. It was really cool to see both my friends in their element, one acting with the main role, the other running around helping everyone on set. I sat at at table with two other extras and they gave us burgers to eat for the scene. Turns out all three of us just happened to be vegetarians so we pretended to eat our burgers and focused on the french fries. We got to do a really neat scene with a suicide jumper that lands on the hood of a car. We cannot find blankets to cover him so we slowly begin to cover him with napkins. It happened to be super cold that night so in between scenes I'd be running for my sweater. We were there all night until 6 am. I can now say I've experienced the dedication needed to work on something like this and I didn't even have a speaking role. The cool thing is that I'm able to go to the premiere and get a free dvd of the film. Once we were through, and as the sky was lightening up, I went home exhausted, needing sleep, food and warmth and slept for a couple of hours.

*Day 15:*
Coffee friend and I decided to hang out but we were both tired from filming all night so we had a very chill day. It was nice to be able to do that. We went and got sushi for dinner. All together a nice day. I told C ("c" is for coffee friend, wow this is becoming redundant!) about dp that night over tea and felt good about it actually. He really understood it well and just gets things and is very observant of people. He's also very intelligent so basically understands the mechanics of dp and its relation to other things on the same level as I do, if not better. Of course I have a better subjective experience and fundamental understanding of dp itself but that is quite different from mechanics and how it relates to the rest of our biology.

*Day 16:*
My roommate moved back in today for the year! C and I went down to the beach and down by the shops. It's one of my favorite places around where I live because it's beautiful and there is lots of activity. Tried some free samples of fudge, looked for a surfboard I could rent, walked the pier, and had a nice conversation. That night, we had a small party at our apartment and us girls beat the guys in beer pong woo! We went out to a party for a little while and me and my roommate did gymnastics on the sidewalk and railings on our walk back home. I came home and was very giggly and it felt so good to laugh and to have someone to laugh with.

*Day 17:*
I can't remember at all how this day started. I've been really sleep deprived the last few days and it seems to be making it harder to remember what day is which because each one flows into the next. After some hours of sleep, I remember getting pizza. Shark week started so my friend came over and watched it with me and I passed out and slept quite deeply. I like shark week naps. They are fantastic. Later that night, another of my friends came over and we watched more shark week and had a really good talk and ate s'mores. We spent probably an hour trying to put a door back together that we had dismembered days before to play beer pong with and laughing our asses off because we were so bad at trying to get it to go back together. When it was time for him to leave, I decided to go out for a walk and call up my friend so we could catch up on each other's lives. I guess I must have fallen asleep that night but not until 4ish am which seems early these days.

*Day 18:*
Went grocery shopping with my roommate. Then my other roommate moved in and we spent a while organizing our apartment. That night, I had a friend over and we all watched bachelorette and laughed our asses off. Then we drank some margaritas, had a good time, and watched shutter island. I had homework to do though so I only drank one, which surprisingly gave me more focus than I'm usually capable of during homework. I planned on going to bed but I couldn't seem to fall asleep. C threw rocks at my window at 3 am (felt like sneaking out of the house in high school lol) and we stayed up and talked and decided against sleep. There might have been an hour or so of dozing in there, hard to say.

*Day 19:*
It's nice to have a busy apartment again. Lots of excitement. C and I had some breakfast and went out on an adventure for bubble tea. It's hard to find around these parts so you have to do some driving and be willing to go into areas that may not be particularly safe. Thoroughly enjoyed the trip but had to come back for class (so easy to forget about when I'm having a really enjoyable summer). Laughed at the silly mistakes I made on my homework that I did while drinking margaritas and triumphed in my A on the exam that I was worried about. I was supposed to go on a date tonight, but luckily it was called off. I'm glad because I'm really quite sleep deprived and haven't had much time to myself. I might make some plans to go to the movies tonight but as of right now, I'm very content being alone. I really love being alone and I must not forget to give myself time to do so. It truly re-centers me. Makes me happy. Now I'm interested to see if I can feel independent and happy while being around enjoyable people. It seems to be going quite well. Life is so crazy right now. High energy and lots of serendipitous coincidences and still a lot of unreality. Sometimes, for a moment, if the lighting hits just right and the wind fits into the threads of my hair, depersonalization feels right. Like it fits in perfectly for just a second in this reality I've created for myself. I don't want it but if I must have it, I choose to see it this way.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

You don't have DP, your memory is too good. Please leave this forum and stop wasting our time.

....

Well ok, you can stay, but you're not fooling me no more! Actually with all the crazy socalising and fun shit you're getting up to, I reckon you've gotta be well on your way to recovery. I REEEAALLLY need to start hanging out with friends and start dating again. The problem is, even before DP I was an anti-social bastard lol. I'm very confident socially, but I just prefer to be on my own I guess. I'm a loner out of choice but that's not helping my DP!


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

Nahh, i've had dp my whole life. I don't expect it to go away at this point but I'm flattered. thank you.

LOL i do have pretty good memory for a dped person, not gonna lie. However, I keep lists, and highly organized calendars of my life so that probably has more to do with it than anything. I still have chunks of my day missing. 
I think being a loner is more than okay dude. socializing is great and everything too but it's good to have a solid relationship with yourself. that's something a lot of healthy people can't even handle.

sorry. i feel as though i should not continue with my remanding days...lol.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm jealous of your social life, peachy!







I wish I had friends that I like. lol

*Day 11* Sunday
The people renting our apartment moved out! Frick yes! Started remodeling and a new diet.
*Day 12* Monday
Remodeled some mo'. 
*Day 13* today 
More remodeling. We took down a wall and started hauling shit out. Tomorrow the dumpster comes. Making great progress. Went to therapy today. Didn't have much to talk about, we argued, actually. I think I'm going to quit. $90 for 50 minutes? And I'm not getting anywhere. I know how to fucking talk to people. The problem is I have no personality, no interests, no motivation, get that through your thick head!

I don't think about dp anymore. Well, unless I'm at therapy or on the computer.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

$90? Holy crap!









Peachy, if you've had DP your whole life, how do you know you have DP? lol

I don't mind being a loner, it's what I choose, but it's just not helpful to me at the moment. I need to get away from me and my thoughts for a while.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

i didn't know. i thought feeling how i did was normal until i was 16/17 and it was still detrimental to my wellbeing all the while. that is how i know that dp for me is not a disorder that will "get better when i stop thinking about it". i had nothing to "think" about and it was still cutting up my life 24/7 with a hacksaw. and cutting me literally. of course distraction can cure people who have had that problem from the get-go which is really good news.

people ask me this all the time and i never know how to answer. i guess i just found it way harder than most people to function and it just wasn't making sense. and one day, the term "dp" seemed to magically fall in my lap. gave me a lot of strength, and i have this forum to thank.

i understand what you are saying man. people are a great distraction.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 21:*

Rest day from working out today, after the swimming yesterday I felt like I'd overdone it a little bit! All my muscles were aching and I just felt highly fatigued. When I start to feel alleviation in the DP, I have a tendancy to overexert myself.

So I watched 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People' in the morning. First film I'd seen with Meagan Fox in, I see what the fuss is about now, damn! Spent the afternoon toiling away on this business course I'm doing. Can only work for about 20 minutes at a time before the information stops going in though lol. Sorta frustrating 'cause I used to be mentally very fit. Oh well!

In the evening I met up with a girl I used to date to go watch Inception again. Wasn't a date, she has a boyfriend now, but I just wanted to keep in touch 'cause she's lovely. Inception made a lot more sense the second time round and didn't freak me out nearly as much.

Came home, took some melatonin, hit the hay!


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

*Day 14 and 15*

Remodeled some more. Didn't do much else. But my diet is going great! :]

*Day 16*

Had a great Skype session with my cousins. It actually felt _good_ talking to them. Went out to a festival with a friend. Well actually we went all over the place, lots of walking! We got Subway and talked about everything and anything. Pretty good time. We sat on a curb waiting for our ride and this guy pulls up and asks us if we want to smoke some weed. I said I'd rather have sex with you. No I didn't, but that's what I was thinking. He was pretty fine. GOOD DAY


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 22:*

Struggling to remember! I think I spent the day mostly working on my business course and in the evening I did some cardio on the bike, hit my heavy bag and did some burpees. Beyond that, I don't know!

*Day 23:*

Went a hundred miles North to a race track to drive a Ferrari today. Was a present from my Aunt. Had a good time, got up to 120mph and was scored 90/100 for my driving. It's kinda put me off buying a supercar though (if I ever could afford it), the Ferrari wasn't THAT much faster than my car. Not 100 grand faster anyway lol.

Went for a big run in the evening, strained my calf a bit, so gonna rest that. Was a good run though, went for about 40 mins with a couple of short walk breaks. Feeling my fitness coming back quickly. Actually sitting here writing this now I kinda feel a glow inside me, I really wanna just run out of my house and do some kind of exercise right now. This is becoming almost a constant feeling, I look forward thoroughly to each workout.

I got a text message from an old girlfriend who wanted to go hang out at a club for a few hours. I went cause I'd not seen her in a while and we're good friends now. On the way I bumped into 'the ex', 'the one who got away' blah blah blah etc etc It always crushes me when I see her, the end of that relationship was one of the major contributing factors to my DP initally. Ugh, anyways I gotta man up, just a chick after all!!









The rest of the night was pretty good considering I wasn't drinking and I was in a night club. People tried to buy me drinks but I remained abstinent. Going hardcore with this not drinking.

I've decided drinking is ***king sh*t. I used to believe that I couldn't have fun when I was out at night if I wasn't drunk. My new opinion on this is that while 'I' may be seeming to have more fun whilst intoxicated, I don't believe it's actually me that is having fun. When you're hammered, you cease to be. Your body is possessed by this moronic idiot who doesn't act like you, says things that you wouldn't say and after you barely have any memory of it. Any memory you do have is of some kind of weird rampage to which you were only a spectator. You wake up thinking "Ugh, what did I do last night?". Well my answer is, 'you' didn't do anything, it's alcohol, not you. I can see why in the dark ages alcohol was seen to be the devil by religious folks, it certainly is a possessing entity.

That said, I have no problem with people having a drink or two to unwind, but getting drunk is lame. I hope I never do it again.

*Day 24:*

Mostly chilled out today after the late night last night. Did a bit of reading for my business course and had a good weight lifting session.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 25:*

Went fishing with my Dad and his mate. I was really up for it, was feeling good, not worrying about DP, keen to kick ass.

Well it didn't go well, about 20 mins after leaving the house I knew my DR was gonna be bad. I did my best to not care, but it really was severe and I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I ended up spending most of the day sat in the car listening to the radio.









Went for an hour long lane swim in the evening, was gruelling, I feel shattered now. Bed time!


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

*Day 26:*

Had a morning weight lifting session (abs & back) which mostly involves hundreds of pull ups! I felt like I should have a nap after this before I did anything else as it always improves my DR, but I thought "Fuck it, can't go on having naps all the time!'. Also taking naps before I go and do something is just reinforcing that the DR is scary, well, it's not scary so I don't care if it's severe anymore, it's not stopping me doing what I want. No more naps!

Went shopping in the afternoon for some new jeans, failed to find any but my DR was pretty mild all the time I was out and I felt good. Even under the flourescent lights of the mall it wasn't too bad.

Did 30 mins on the exercise bike in the evening, pushed myself hard. I love working out on the bike, you can just shut your eyes and focus on ignoring the pain. It's such a great way to practice mental fortitude. Then when I find something in life that I don't wanna do or I think is hard I can say "Ha! This isn't hard, remember how hard you pushed yourself on the bike yesterday? If you can do that, this will be easy!"

Finished the evening by watching War, Inc with my Dad. Film was weird but entertaining. Then played some Starcraft 2.


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## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

Ok so I thought I better conclude this.

I didn't write up days 27-30 because I went through a period of apathy and some what forgot about and somewhat neglected this challenge. So strictly speaking, I failed to achieve the aim. However, the primary goal wasn't completion of the 30 days, it was improving my life, this has been a success.

I'd intended to do a lot more interesting and adventurous activities during the 30 days, but it became clear after the first few that I just wasn't ready for anything too strenuous. When I did push myself far beyond my comfort zones, I ended up feeling a lot worse for many days after. From then on I mostly decided to take it easy and just take the baby steps towards leading a more fulfilling life.

I've gone from a period of almost total reclusiveness when I started to being relatively active and ready to start looking for part-time work. I'd feared having a social life since my DR got bad because I had nothing going on, so when people inquired as to what I'd been up to, I'd have nothing to say. I was ashamed of this. I'm now on my way back to a normal life despite the DR still remaining.

My DR has made improvements though. It's hard to tell how large they are because it's so intangible. How can you measure your grip on reality in terms of a percentage? I'm also unsure because I know to an extent that I just don't care as much as I used to. So it's hard to determine how much of it has alleviated and how much I just don't care anymore. That said, I feel there has been a significant reduction in my visual distortion and I feel a lot happier about life in general.

In a couple of days I'm gonna leave the forum for a while. A friend of mine told me after seeing Dr. Sierra that she was told "Your DP will only go away when you completely stop thinking about.". While this forum is useful and I thank everyone for any support they have given me, it is a constant reinforcement to your brain that you are "unwell". We are not unwell, we are just very confused and very upset people who need to take a break from our minds. So for that reason I'm not gonna be around here and I hope I'll only return when I have great news about my recovery to share with you, though I may check in at some point before that.

I'm a firm believer that DP/DR is for the vast majority of us just a defensive mechanism in overdrive, all we have to do to recover is to remove our incessant worrying from the process. We are the only things stopping our own recovery. Take the pills if you must, though I'm not a believer, but please just chill out, it's gonna be ok. I feel so much better since I stopped worrying about this, I know this is true for most people on here if they can do it too. We'll beat this thing.

Cheers everybody.


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## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

Agreed. I challenge myself, anyway. Though I don't really see anything as a challenge...? I'm the opposite of avoidant. And I need a break from the internet and definitely this site. I've learned all I need to know to get better. I'm so grateful for everyone here. Thank you! lol


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