# Depersonalization of memories?



## that1girl (Oct 25, 2008)

Hi. Where to start...Well, I started smoking marijuana when I was 10 years old and continued until 24, so it's hard to say exactly who the real me ever has been. But the last few years that I was still smoking regularly, I was very successful by anyone else's standards. I had an important job, college studies, a child, a new husband, etc. All while hiding that I was high all day everyday. Finally, I just took on too much (even for someone sober) and had a few traumatic experiences occur. Because of anxiety and seeing the way it negatively affected others around me, I decided to give it up. Since then I feel like I've emerged from a fog, and have been experiencing a sort of mid-life crisis (at 27 lol). How did I get to this point? And is it really me? Is it what I want? etc. This has been exciting and exasperating at once, but I'm sane so far...

As far as the depersonalization, of course I felt the bodily effects during the time when I was high, but not now. What bothers me is feeling like so many years of my life were a dream. When I look back on *most* memories, I'm within my own body looking out--through my own eyes. Many years of my life are blurry, but a good 5 years or so or my life seem like they weren't even me at all. I can vaguely recall them and I "observe" them as an outsider when I do. These are the very years when I made a lot of commitments that heavily affect me today. It's hard to integrate the past and the present when I feel like they're actually different people. Does this make sense?


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Hello there.

Besides memories, when you look at things, do the look real?
If you look at your hand does it look like it is yours?

Interesting.


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

I feel the same way about my memories... at least the ones I can remember. I cant remember a whole lot of my life. My memories seem like dreams. I dont feel like I was really there. Actually I feel like that about yesterday and an hour ago. It's a constant feeling for me. I feel like Im just now becoming aware of life- except I continually feel this way.


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## tenevanon (Nov 5, 2008)

It is the same for me. There are a lot of things my family and my friends can recall from my childhood days and teenage days that I only have a vague memory of. I can't remember myself reminding them of something they could not recall but the opposite have happened alot. Some things I just know there was something "like it" but I cannot at all remember the whole scenario. And some things are totally lost. I've felt pretty bad about this, that memories that seems strong to others and probably meant something to them is lost for me, as if they didn't appeal to me at all.

Has this got something to do with the disorder? :? I don't seem to be alone.

Cheers.


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

tenevanon said:


> It is the same for me. There are a lot of things my family and my friends can recall from my childhood days and teenage days that I only have a vague memory of. I can't remember myself reminding them of something they could not recall but the opposite have happened alot. Some things I just know there was something "like it" but I cannot at all remember the whole scenario. And some things are totally lost. I've felt pretty bad about this, that memories that seems strong to others and probably meant something to them is lost for me, as if they didn't appeal to me at all.
> 
> Has this got something to do with the disorder? :? I don't seem to be alone.
> 
> Cheers.


My memory is horrible. I only remember big changes in my life such as moves and deaths in the family. I think it has everything to do with the disorder. When you're in DP mode you're tuning everything out. It's like when someone can go through a really bad accident and not remember it. Well in DP mode it works the same way. When you're stuck in DP you're mind automatically forgets things even if it isnt something stressful.


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## Pre (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm dissociated from my memories (and my mind tells me that I've always been in this condition) because my mind is willing to do anything to keep me from breaking down the barrier and allowing me to realize that things are real because that would send me right back into panic attacks.


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