# I miss "myself" so much



## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

this is just intolerable cruelty. I miss myself so much, I miss my life, I miss my identity, 3 months of this bullshit now. I hate not knowing who I am, I don't know how much more I can take.


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## Bjorn (Nov 8, 2012)

Same here


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## SongBillong (Sep 20, 2011)

Three months isn't that long (I'm saying that in a positive way!). The first few months are always the most terrifying and you might even recover before long. I see a lot of people come on here and then disappear after a few weeks/months because they start to feel better. Give it time


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

it is all the more harder as mine was caused by depression. Depression reared its head which I suffered for for 3 days before I started to dissociate and the DP kicked in. I am currently being weaned off of Effexor and Remeron and then going onto Fluoxetine and possibly lamotrigene. Psychiatrist is hoping by treating the underlying depression that the DP should then ease off. Have been on Effexor and Remeron for 7 years and they obviously stopped working as depression came along. Hoping that with new meds, depression should go, thus then the DP should go. Just hate the not knowing who I am, and existential anxiety over where I have gone, who I am. I have recovered from DP before and know that once recovered, who am I, means nothing, but is just horrible when who am I really bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable. Anybody else have who am I, in their head a lot whilst they are awake??


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## ines (Nov 10, 2012)

mipmunk40 said:


> it is all the more harder as mine was caused by depression. Depression reared its head which I suffered for for 3 days before I started to dissociate and the DP kicked in. I am currently being weaned off of Effexor and Remeron and then going onto Fluoxetine and possibly lamotrigene. Psychiatrist is hoping by treating the underlying depression that the DP should then ease off. Have been on Effexor and Remeron for 7 years and they obviously stopped working as depression came along. Hoping that with new meds, depression should go, thus then the DP should go. Just hate the not knowing who I am, and existential anxiety over where I have gone, who I am. I have recovered from DP before and know that once recovered, who am I, means nothing, but is just horrible when who am I really bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable. Anybody else have who am I, in their head a lot whilst they are awake??


I have who am I for 2 mionths and it freaks me out. I have fear of myself exsistence.


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## peanut butter (Nov 9, 2012)

Honestly why the hell would someone even use those fucking antidepressants.
You're better off with drugs that have positive affect on the brain, not even kidding. Of course the best option is to be without drugs or ADs.


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## [email protected] (Oct 15, 2012)

i have the same feeling..i dont know who the hell i am anymore either. Its getting to hard to see others around you that are very happy and you cant share that joy with them.. the walking dead for real


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

totally agree Christianeva, we are the walking dead for real.....


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

mmrrlla said:


> Honestly why the hell would someone even use those fucking antidepressants.
> You're better off with drugs that have positive affect on the brain, not even kidding. Of course the best option is to be without drugs or ADs.


and what would those drugs be that have a positive effect then??


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## Bjorn (Nov 8, 2012)

Every medication iv'e ever taken hasn't worked - anti depressants make things worse.. I refuse to take any medication.. Because down the line there's always withdrawal what ever it is... and iv'e had enough of that bollocks for a life time!


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

well 7 years ago Effexor got me well, I have just been taking it for too long, body is used to it now. Without medication over the years I would have been really really bad. And I have had long periods without DP whilst on medication. So I think it varies from person to person. Plus mental health problems run on my mum's side of the family, big time. So without any anti depressants over the years I would have been a lot worse off.


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## Bjorn (Nov 8, 2012)

Same on my mums side also.... She committed suicide when i was 3..

I'm bi polar and grew up with many issues







i feel your pain.. iv'e been on medication most of my life.. Ritalin, quetiapine, amisulpride,zypreza,sertraline. etc etc
after my last admission to hospital i stopped everything.. 
Then got deeply into drugs after a breakup with my sons mum.. i tripped really hard on mdma and hallucinated for hours.. then had panic attacks for a hole week and ended up dp'd...Silly boy








What you said about loosing it before gives me allot of hope







Best of luck have a great Christmas


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

I hope you have a good Christmas too, I am ignoring it this year. Too upsetting, how can I enjoy anything where I am uncomfortable in my own skin


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

In my personal experience, my pre-DP self is separate from the DP'd one. I feel no connection to this former self and cannot possibly understand how it inhabited the same body. It is dead to me and I wish it could be ressurected. Such a long time has passed, that I can only recognize myself as a life form lacking identity.


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## InfantileAdult (Feb 1, 2011)

Me too :'(


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

It seems hard to believe that 4 months ago I was happy, I had met a nice new man, I got my yellow belt in karate, I enjoyed shopping, going out, everything was good. Then depression hit, 3 days of depression and then the DP kicked in, thinking it was protecting me. Everything went down hill, I lost my new man, I lost my life, I lost enjoyment of anything. Now I am a shadow of my former self, a body with no sense of self or identity, unable to enjoy anything. I feel like I have lost so much. I am so jealous of people around me as they laugh and enjoy themselves and their lives. I start prozac tomorrow, I hope it will help, as it was depression that started first, the DP was a secondary symptom. My biggest fear........ having DP for the rest of my life, I am only 42, what then??


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## deadhead262 (Apr 18, 2012)

3 months is not too bad. I have had chronic depression for 1.5 yrs and derealization for 11months, from having a panic attack on weed. I kind of wish I could punch this cowardly motherfucking disorder in the face.


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## scaredofdpdhelp (Jul 17, 2013)

mipmunk40 said:


> It seems hard to believe that 4 months ago I was happy, I had met a nice new man, I got my yellow belt in karate, I enjoyed shopping, going out, everything was good. Then depression hit, 3 days of depression and then the DP kicked in, thinking it was protecting me. Everything went down hill, I lost my new man, I lost my life, I lost enjoyment of anything. Now I am a shadow of my former self, a body with no sense of self or identity, unable to enjoy anything. I feel like I have lost so much. I am so jealous of people around me as they laugh and enjoy themselves and their lives. I start prozac tomorrow, I hope it will help, as it was depression that started first, the DP was a secondary symptom. My biggest fear........ having DP for the rest of my life, I am only 42, what then??


At least you had the luck to 'get it' in your forties when you are supossed to be more established in your personal life. Just my point of view. You have lived a life the way you wanted for 42 years, my personal hell started at 18 when im supossed to starting be more "mature" and do things my own way . No offense. Just look it that way.


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

Fearless said:


> You do have an identity, just like everybody has. Depersonalization is the result of fragmentation, due to disorganized attachment. I bet that there are experiences, events, facts about yourself, and also about your parents and your childhood, which you handle in a fragmented way, even if you don't realize it.
> 
> For example, when you look at your father, you may look at a perfect, nice, good man, and act like that, while you also have memories about him that would prove the complete opposite. And you handle those stuff in a fragmented way. These kinds of fragmentations about others, your childhood and yourself are what is creating depersonalization.
> 
> ...


I believe we had discussed your views in relation to my DP in the past, which I unfortunately do not accept in my case, but I am curious for the sake of discussion. As a matter of fact, I do not doubt that I had developed disorganized attachment and handled life in the manner that you described, but I have always been aware of this habit and its distorted nature. However, I virtually depersonalized due to a highly unusual event, therefore I doubt whether I would have depersonalized otherwise. In any case, what should I do next?


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

Naturally, the level of awareness and the knowledge of its consequences have changed over the years, but they have always been there. This way or the other, the awareness of my past exists now. We do agree on the existence of disorganized attachment and a habit of fragmentation and them probably making me prone to DP; what is the next move? Please explain, as I may not be fully aware of your views. The metaphoric body is already dead.


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

Fearless said:


> What are your main symptoms and problems now?


I have been treated with Lamictal for the past 10 months. Before this, I was suffering from your usual host of symptoms, which I could never fully describe: overwhelming experiences of detachment from my surrounding, lack of emotion, lack of personality, cognitive difficulties, slow and empty mind, constant free-floating anxiety, social anxiety, existential thinking, physical weakness, etc. All those have substantially decreased, but still exist. I cannot have meaningful social interactions and set myself goals, since I have limited emotion and constantly feel detached and alienated from my surroundings.


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

I miss my old self too. I'm slowly overcoming social anxiety that I never had before DP. I was shy, but I at least was comfortable around friends and family, and wasn't nearly as self-conscious as I am now.

Now I feel anxious around people that used to make me really happy. Anxiety makes everything worse. I've grown a lot, but I feel like Im growing from stuff I wouldn't have to in the first place if it wasn't for DP.


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## Rory1993 (Sep 8, 2013)

I have been suffering DP/DR for 3 months now. I feel totally hopeless and I feel like everything is totally pointless now. My consciousness literally turns itself off for most of the day and I just sort of "wake up" occasionally and wonder where I have been that whole time. Like when you drive somewhere and don't remember getting there. Except you know that your mind has wandered and been thinking about other things. But I don't know where my mind has gone during these times, it's as if it has literally turned off. Is this DP/DR??? Or is it something else? If I think really hard I can sort of remember what happened in the day but not really. Some events are just missing. I'm so scared   has anyone improved at all?


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

Fearless said:


> That is dissociation itself, you definetely have a lot of energy in yourself but for some reason you are not living your life. I assume there is a reason for that. You are dealing with your symptoms and irrational thoughts instead of putting your energy into your life. That is dissociation itself.
> 
> Don't tell me that you wouldn't have a better thing to do than examining your symptoms. There is a reason that you still do it. Check my blog you may find useful info there.


I would have told you this in the past, but not anymore. As I am today, I am no longer constantly preoccupied with my own suffering, as it no longer constitutes my whole being. My symptoms are always at the background in varying degrees, sometimes simply put aside because I prefer and am able to focus on other things, sometimes taking center stage. But all this never leads me anywhere new..

In any case, I will check your blog. Thanks.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Fearless said:


> Don't tell me that you wouldn't have a better thing to do than examining your symptoms. There is a reason that you still do it. Check my blog you may find useful info there.


That's exactly my problem. The one and only meaningful thing in my life doesn't make me feel shit anymore. The one thing that DID get me through every trial and tribulation in my life previously, now creases to hold a place in my heart. So yes, you are right, I literally don't have anything better to do.


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## Francis (Sep 17, 2013)

With DP/DR I think the true self is hidden in plain sight, for years I have wrangled with my true nature not really seeing the obvious. I enjoy the humane, benevolent, amusing and beautiful aspects of expression, this is who I am, the depressive episodes, general unreality may obscure your view but you are in there, you just need to push the bullshit aside when you are able.

Try to focus on the aspects of yourself you find pleasing, use that as an anchor to your core.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Fearless said:


> now, THAT is what is wrong with you. your parents and your childhood gave you a mentality, which eventually led you to believe that you are a worthless ######## nobody in this world.THAT is the problem.


I think I hit upon something today. I almost feel like this is my karma in life. What if I legitimately AM a piece of shit. I've done my fair share of morally wrong things in life when I was a younger, more free spirited man. Yes I know we all make mistakes, but I still feel guilt for them. I remember several times saying to myself 'Well, you kinda deserve this, this is your mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass'.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

I've debated this in my head many times.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Fearless said:


> Aha. So you believe you are a legitimately piece of sht. You are a piece of sht by nature, this is your "karma". You believe this bulllshit, but you don't believe that your parents neglected you.
> 
> Yeah, sounds logical.
> 
> ...


That's the thing. I KNOW my father was an emotional black hole, I've never made any apologies for this even before DP. We never fucking got along, we never had a mutual respect for one another. Only time we started getting along is when I matured and started not reacting to things he did that annoyed me. I'm just a lost kid, guess I always have been. My mum knew it, I found a letter she wrote to me a while back when they were worried I was 'losing my way'. I don't feel anything towards some traumas I've had. Yeah he smacked the shit outta me a few times, but I'm not bothered by it when I sit here and type this. Answers elude me.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Fearless said:


> Look. We humans, create our sense of self through the way we interact with others. If you take time and think about what it means deeply, I think it's pretty much understandable and obvious. I look at you, tell something to you, you respond with your face, speech, voice, etc.. and the way you react to me effects my own sense of self (like, if everybody shows me love, I may start to think I'm lovable and worthy, if everybody starts to cry after I say something, I may start to think I'm cruel, etc..). Out of these interactions and relationships, the one with our parent is A LOT LOT more dominant than the others. I think it is also pretty understandable.
> 
> BUT.
> 
> ...


It does make sense. I know I've never grown into a man, I've never taken control of my life, my funds, my ambitions etc. My friends joke with me that I just 'float through life' and I always land on my feet. If I didn't have the people I relied upon to bail me out financially in the past I would've been screwed. I read somewhere that dissociation can manifest itself in 'getting super involved in TV dramas and escaping life' that's me all over pre DP, I'd smoke a joint and watch series on my laptop until 5am in the morning and sleep my days away, thinking I was just 'really into the script writing and character development, appreciating the art form'. I loved it, and I miss it. I guess the nine to five grind isn't for me, I wanted to be a musician, and I'm in the perfect position to do so now, that WAS my sense of self. But it's gone, I can't BE that musician, I can't FEEL that connection. That was what DEFINED me. If that's the fear I have to face, giving up my one and only dream...I just can't, I'm not ready to.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

I know that's who I'm meant to be, but with this DP I can't get that pure connection you know? I'm not sure if you had that same phenomenon when you went through this, being a composer yourself. I can FEEL reality JUST there in front of me, JUST there, but it seems so far away. I sit here writing this, feeling so close to getting somewhere, but then again maybe I'm fooling myself, and I'll plunge back down to anxiety ridiculousness. It's almost like I jinx myself, like I WANT to feel like shit. Like I'll be feeling normal and no anxiety, then I'll say to myself 'it can't be that easy, you've read stories of people struggling SO hard, you can't just feel better so easily', then I'll plunge back into my cycle again.

I'm just so confused, because my parents financially supported my musical ambitions, since I was a child. They always had their reservations in terms of that being my career choice, but they supported it. Bought me drums, sticks, lessons etc. etc. They always remind me in subtle ways that they are kind of waiting for me to 'get over' this musician pipe dream and get a real job.

I never had a father when I needed one emotionally, my mother even told me that. Apologies for the stream-of-consciousness rambling, just so many things I want to splurge.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Fearless said:


> You are not your parent's property. If they are making you feel guilty for being something else than they want you to be, they are not loving YOU, but they are loving someone who they want you to be, and waiting for the day when you finally become that. But in that relationship, YOU are not present.


I guess I excuse it because they are not 'overtly' discriminating my choices, just being 'realistic' and wanting me to use my university qualification or some such.

I'm sorry to hear your father never loved you


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Yeah for sure, that sounds spot on with what I need to do.

The thing that concerns me is the fact that I don't have any significant trauma in my young life. I know that I've grown up emotionally dysfunctional, I mean, I thought I had HIV for like 2 years, even though I got tested and came up negative (but I thought it was a false negative, and went back to the doctor and he didn't even bother retesting me because he was so confident I wasn't), and was imagining my life with this ailment. Through this time, I was still sleeping with women, but in the back on my mind thinking 'fuck, imagine if you are HIV+ and just fucking RUINING these peoples lives'. Like, thats a FUCKED up emotional position. I was too scared to even get retested because I thought I'd have to face the fact that I'd infected and destroyed so many beautiful peoples lives (btw, I'm not HIV+). I've never told anyone about this really, but I think that REALLY fucked me up emotionally. That time in my life was just, epically fecked. How the hell do I heal from something that didn't even exist? Reading this, I feel like an absolute idiot, and am embarrassed to even post this.

There's so many stages of my life that feel somewhat fragmented since I moved out of home at 18.


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Excerpt from my 'Life Story' draft:

- Year 6, felt immense pressure from parents to get selected into the upper echelon class for high school, I did, but it still made me nervous.

- I mistakenly got selected into a lower class, my parents frantically rang the school to rectify the situation. Solidified in my mind that their love was based on school performance and success. Would they have been happy if I wasn't bright? They always said 'We know you are capable, that's why we push you', but who knows.

Funny you brought up grades.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Fearless said:


> Behind DP, the most important causes are not dramatic trauma. I have some, but they are NOT the most important reason. The most important reason is emotional abuse, which is always HIDDEN. Hidden means, your parents HURT you and makes you believe you DESERVE IT.
> 
> Like, my father fed me, bought me shoes, took me to places (which I never asked for but HE wanted to go with HIS SON) and when I did something wrong (getting a B or C in school), I was always told or made to feel that I am some ungrateful, spoilt child. AND IT MADE SOME SENSE. But did not know back then that it is the most egoistic, cruel and fucked up thing you can do to a child, to make it feel guilty for being fed.
> 
> Emotional abuse results are in your beliefs.


What kind of beliefs are you pointing at though? And how do those manifest in real life?


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## yosemitedome (Aug 1, 2013)

Lol,

My mother thought I was going to go so poorly in my final year of high school that she bet me that I wouldn't get distinctions and said she'd give me like $200/distinction. I cashed in big time on results day.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Fearless said:


> why don't you go to depersonalizationrecovery.com , where it is written down in a "non cunty fashion"? why are you asking a drama queen? you really don't feel embarassed dissing the #### out of someone and then asking for help from him? find out yourself.


was more of a challenge, I wasn't asking for help.. lol


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