# My story and my happy ending



## emilyraer (Oct 7, 2012)

It is 2:50 in the morning

After about an hour of trying I decided I'm just not going to sleep. I'm too happy, my passion for life is too powerful, and my energy is so high. I have been reborn. I'm 18 and I'm just learning how to live, really live. I'm laying here not tired at all. Life is an adventure and i'm ready to get involved. I wasn't always this carefree. I guess that is why I feel this way now. My life is a roller coaster. With turns and twists and ups and downs and everything in between. There is so much to be told. I have a story. But right now, I just want to share why I feel this way now.

My depression story began in 7th grade. Sophomore year fall semester it began to get out of control. I remember being at my church's fall retreat, looking at myself in there mirror and saying, I have never been in so much pain in my life, and believing it. In order for you to understand my story I must share things I do not want to share, because I never want anyone in my life to think about it. However, this was not just something small. It was bigger than I could handle. I began to cut myself. It became an addiction, which spiraled out of control. I decided to stop, because I was tired of hiding the scars.

This happened so many times, it was an addiction, I craved it. I did not have the strength to stop on my own. My life seemed pointless. So completely worthless. I was involved in church though, I wanted happiness and peace. Honestly, I had no idea why I did not end it then and there. But I am so grateful I did not. I realize now that God was that little voice I held onto. He told me that someday I will use my pain and experience to make a difference. That's why ever since 7th grade I've wanted to be a counselor.

Junior year came, I could not guarantee my safety. So, my mom and I took a trip to the hospital. They decided to admit me in outpatient therapy. So, I began going. I wanted to get better, I just did not know how. I was more than open and willing to share. Before I continue I need explain something. Sophomore year fall semester, I discovered I had a condition. I felt and believed I was a ghost. I felt so disconnected from life. This feeling caused me to be so afraid. Nobody could explain it to me. I would spend hours and hours on the internet trying to find the answer. I had so many burning questions. What was this? Why am I feeling this? Why do the doctors have no idea what I am talking about? Who has the answers? Why do they ask me if I have experienced a severe trauma? Did I? The questions were endless. If I could point to something this is the reason I wanted to end my life&#8230;it was not like I was alive any way&#8230;

After about 5 weeks of outpatient therapy I was admitted to inpatient. I was admitted to the hospital. I was there for a week. And honestly medicine is the thing I needed. My depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. That's it. So after inpatient I was released and returned to outpatient therapy for about 2 weeks. After the hospital cutting just was not an option any more. I am grateful but I honestly do not understand why, cutting just was not an option.

After 3-4 years there was finally answers to my questions. Remember the feeling that life was not real. I need to expand on that more, because it affect me so much. It tore me to shreds. I thought life was just a hallucination. People around me were imaginary. Memories were me brain washed. This condition is called depersonalization (separation from yourself) and derealization (separation from the world around you). Why would you want to stay somewhere where you feel like you do not belong? It did not feel right. However, after pain and suffering I decided God needs me here despite the pain I feel. So I pushed aside.

Believe it or not Vicki Thorn and the talk over the Biology of the Theology of the Body led me to my answer. Her talk made it so simple. So I typed in search engine brain chemistry of depersonalization. I found an article, it was not any new information to me. I pretty much knew it all. But this article made me see what I thought I knew in a different perspective. Rather than different world. I realized something, it was just an altered sense of consciousness.

The best way I can explain it is to think of your hand over a lit candle. At first your hand is warm, but then it starts to burn from the heat. So naturally, you pull away. That exactly what happened with me. For some unknown reason I felt threatened, so I pulled away. I felt in danger being completely conscious. So I had a natural reaction. I pulled away and trapped myself in this semi-conscious state. My stress, my worry, my anxiety, it kept me there. I reinforced that the world is not safe and I should be there.

After discovering this CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) immediately came to my mind. CBT is essentially changing your thinking style. After all I have been through I decided I was done. I was going to trust that everything would work out, that I would be okay jumping out of the boat. That losing sight of the shore would be worth it. I told myself over and over that it is okay, that every time I stick my hand out, there is not going to always be a fire to burn me.

I know there is no way you can understand this without going what I have gone through. The pain I felt and the joy I now feel. I saw my life as a meaningless mess but now, I see that the dots connect, that there is a plan and a purpose. Everything that did not make sense makes sense now. For example, changes such as moving to college triggered my anxiety tremendously. I would have panic attacks. I saw myself as someone who enjoyed change, its exciting. But then again my body could not take it. So, what is going on? Well, it is because it is new, it is a change, it is unpredictable. When you are already in the mindset that life is not safe, change makes you lose it a little.

The dots make a beautiful design. I get share my story. I get share what I have learned through my experience with the world. I get to make a difference. That is&#8230;well God. So here I am (now 4:00 in the morning) and I am laughing because I am happy and tearing up because I am so happy. Yesterday I did not want to go to sleep either (but I did) and I was just laying there thanking God. When this came to mind: Matthew 8:26 He replied "You of little faith, why are you so afraid? Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."-He is directing that question to me right now&#8230;You of little faith, why WERE you so afraid? That's what was asking myself all night.

P.S. If you want to ask me about anything, feel free. I'm not afraid to share&#8230;any more. Its God's plan, and it is beautiful and i'm excited to see what else He has in store for me!


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## kayseas95 (Feb 25, 2013)

thanks for posting this, I've just recently been getting over this disorder within the last 2-3 weeks and i've had it for a year, theres no way I could ever describe my pain in words, ever. the loneliness and fear, so scared even around my own family. now thats some fucked up shit, i wanna thank you though for posting this blog again.


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