# Recovering quickly now, but



## drose (Dec 31, 2011)

It's hard to strongly remember the worst feelings of derealization and depersonalization even though they were still fairly strong just a few weeks ago. I'm not fully recovered, but I am recovering enough every day that just now, tonight, I realize I am actually bored with this site that has been such a lifeline for me, such a source of relief and motivation. Even though the strong memory of derealization is slipping away and I'm almost finding it hard to relate, I know so many people out there are suffering through some indescribably terrifying and frustrating feelings. I didn't think I would be here, writing one of these stories. Or, somewhere in my self I hoped to write one of these, but I was so afraid this was going to go on forever. There is such a difference from one side to the other; the horror, disconnection, memory problems, visual and auditory sensations, physical sensations, thoughts that it's something else, thoughts that it will never end, all of it is so difficult to see through and from the other side, it's hard to look back into the darkness and understand where you were.

This has happened to me twice now. For god's sake, I hope I learned my lesson this time and will take care of myself and my desires as best I can from here on out. It's not going to be easy. I still feel my tendencies to put my own needs off until later, to invest too much time in other people (in their approval, which is not an actual emotional connection), and to let energy sucking relationships or friendships go on for way too long. What I'm learning, as recently as these past few weeks, is that these tendencies are WAY harder to let go of than I thought. I know what these behaviors are and that they are bad for me. I know they will probably lead back to derealization or depersonalization. I know that I am fully capable of behaving differently, but I just CAN'T! I mean, I can, but it is SOOOO difficult. Just today I told a guy that I couldn't hang out with him and I felt amazing afterward! I walked to the grocery store a few minutes later and the whole world seemed to open up. For just a little while I felt that sense of freedom and possibility, like the world was my oyster and I really could do this. It was great! And the weird thing is that before I would have just let this go as some small thing I was overreacting to. I would have tried to be friends and accepted his company just so I could have company. In the meantime (as was already starting to happen) I would feel the pressure from him to give more of my time and energy than I wanted just so I wouldn't hurt his feelings. My self-esteem would get lower. I would console myself with his company and become dependent on the nice things he did while resentment grew inside both of us. And I still wouldn't think of it as a big deal. I would just keep trying to please him by hanging out and telling myself I was okay with this friendship when I really don't even like him as a person.

In any case, it has been slow and yet every day (after the first few horrible months) has been an improvement. I've done A LOT to try and get through this. Counselling which is just now starting to help anything at all because I was too derealized to even focus before. Realizing I have to take my time with myself while working through a lot of pain, some little pains and some big, from my life. Reflection. Trying to be more romantic and... sexual. Yep. Forcing myself to change those old self-deprecating habits because I realize that standing up for what I want, as scary as it seems, is definitely better than sliding back into derealization or DP again. I also started some Celexa. I've been on it for about a month and a half, but I kind of scaled myself way down because I didn't like the "fizzy" sensation in my head, irritability, and ringing in my ears. I haven't taken any in two days and feel fine, but I'm not sure I want to come off it altogether just yet. I don't even like to take tylenol, I've never drunk, and I haven't even smoked pot, but if your DP is caused by PTSD or something along those lines, I would say that medicine very well might help calm those symptoms long enough for you to deal with the issues you need to deal with in order to get out of DP/DR. I was on paxil for two weeks the first time this happened to me ten years ago, but just stopped taking them with no ill side effects and kept getting better without them so you don't need medicine to get over this. I think it helped me because I had PTSD this time and was getting all sorts of horrible images and other symptoms on top of the DR that made it hard to even journal. Which brings me to another thing - I've self-reflected like a freaking champion this past month. Thoughts, talking, journaling. Definitely don't do it all at once as that just gets kind of overwhelming, but journal, take a break, write a letter (a fake one), eat lunch, talk to a counselor or friend, write more, take a break, etc.

I also am taking better care of physical basics. I regulated my sleep schedule. Huge difference. I was all over the place and was getting four to five hours of sleep most nights for a long long time. Now I'm doing at least eight easy. So so good. Eating enough and better has helped as well. I definitely don't eat as well as I have at other times in my life, but I'm at least eating enough at regular times. Also huge difference. I noted in the last few weeks of the really severe DR that it would get worse when I started to get low blood sugar. It was like clockwork! Hungry equaled instant bad DR for me.

I'm not sure what else I've been doing. It's been a clunky process. Definitely not as smooth as the first time I got out of this. Maybe I'll write some more later. Getting hungry now... I'd better eat.


----------

