# Re-Acclimating to Life



## LogLady (Oct 17, 2011)

So I've seen topics like this posted before but I wasn't able to find one so I thought I'd start my own. This is going to be a lengthy one.

Basically, even though it's been sporadic since I started turning things around about 4 months ago I can tell I'm getting closer to recovery. My DR has been gradually reducing and I'm starting to generally feel a lot better, physically and mentally. I'm still getting a fair amount of visual snow and floaters, and it's not like it has completely disappeared, but it's fading and this is by far the best run yet, and the runs keep improving.

However, up until now it's been almost three years of chronic dp/dr, chronic fatigue, and chronic gastrointestinal problems, which hit me during my junior year of college and progressively sucked the life and emotions out of me. I gradually emotionally detached from everything; sentimental investment in music, friends, studies, and really everything that brought meaning to my life was lost. At one point when I was bed-ridden for over a month with dp/dr, infectious illness, and chronic fatigue, and I genuinely believed I was going to die and I accepted the possibility. I remember that something happened to my thinking during that time. All of my reservations about people and ideas and life in general just evaporated. My convictions and resentments were shattered (one positive thing) and I became an almost exclusively objective person, hardly able to vest myself or believe in any one thing or concept, or myself. Onset of total apathy and emotional deadening. I've said in another post that in my experience everything else gets the volume turned down when you lose yourself, like it just becomes devoid of true impact and resonance, or meaning. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, because trying to be my old self with dp/dr and other health problems was extremely painful emotionally. I felt like I lost the ability to do everything and that all of my potential was wasted due to my own self-neglect, and it only got worse over the years. While this may have been helpful in shielding from pain, it also removed all of the passions and beliefs that made me who I was.

Now that I'm starting to emerge from this horrid state (fingers crossed), the issue of reintegrating on my life path with this mental baggage is coming up. Even though I've had windows of just overwhelming joy when I feel that things have largely lifted, a lot is missing. I know that I can never be who I used to be before falling ill as this whole experience has had a profound impact on the way I experience and process life. In fact, the longer time has gone on from the point of inception (Spring 2009), the farther I've drifted from that person.

Basically, in the wake of all of this, now that I'm not just fixated on my health and being sick all of the time and recovering, I don't know who I am anymore. It feels like I'm starting over from a blank slate. I don't know what I care about, I don't know my values, I don't know what I want, and I don't know if my feelings are capable of being strong enough to guide me as they once did. I still try and do a lot of things, believe me; it's like I'm waiting for something to pop, exploring further schooling, working, and volunteering and playing music and everything...but being truly vested in any of it is proving to be very difficult. My lovely partner of 8 months the other day told me that she doesn't think I love her as much as she loves me (in a totally legitimate non-crazy way, mind you), which took me by complete surprise as our relationship is amazing and we always reaffirm it to each other. She was talking about my emotional connection. And I love her, dearly, she is an amazing woman. I would marry her if I could get my own life together. But at the same time she's right...if she left me I would be sad but it would also be fine. I don't think I would be crushed...which is concerning to me. I'm wondering if I'm ill-equipped for true personal meaningful emotional investment now, which in my opinion is the driving factor of the quality of life. The way it is now; I can take or leave anything. Nothing has much bearing on me personally. My old passions (academic, personal, and recreational) often feel like faded memories. I remember how I used to feel about things, but now it kind of feels like beating a dead horse when I try to rekindle those feelings. They just aren't there.

As of now I'm just going to continue soul searching and trying to find my path, or more likely paving a new one. Such a weird feeling. So ambiguous.

And regardless I am extremely happy to be recovering, as I know I should be.

Any thoughts?


----------



## Guest (Feb 21, 2012)

Really enjoyed reading this so insightful. Though I am not in the shoes of recovery, I often wondered if I did recover would it be like you described. When you first become DP you are striving so hard to get back to the person you knew and loved being. the more time that goes by that person starts to fade. I almost analogize it to someone who has gone to war and comes back. They may have trouble integrating back into everyday civilian life after what they have seen an experienced. It's like once you go through this it changes you forever. It is now a part of you for having gone through it. I think the more time that has gone by with this the less seamless that transition will be. I think there probably is a lot of having to pave new pathways and that can be a challenge in itself.

Regardless, if you really are coming out of this. I am glad you are getting another shot at life even if it's not the life you remembered.


----------



## glitteranddoom (Nov 15, 2011)

are you able to enjoy music?


----------



## LogLady (Oct 17, 2011)

glitteranddoom said:


> are you able to enjoy music?


Somewhat. I did have a huge falling out with music. In fact I almost quit playing my instrument entirely because it was nothing but a source of frustration and sadness, being dp'ed and not being able to connect with it or play very well. A lot of music that I loved also ceased to resonate with me. Now that I'm improving though it seems to depend on the day. I do occasionally get excited about it again, which is an extremely good sign.


----------



## Ghormeh Sabzi (Mar 2, 2012)

Has your visual snow recuded? Or just your non-visual symptoms?


----------



## LogLady (Oct 17, 2011)

Ghormeh Sabzi said:


> Has your visual snow recuded? Or just your non-visual symptoms?


The worst debilitating visual symptoms have been greatly reduced, but I do still have visual snow and see a lot of floaters. I also still have some slight destabilization in my vision when I walk (every step), but it's not as bad. However, these are relatively not even close to the symptoms I was having before. I can read now, light doesn't bleed as much, and the 2d depth perception is just slightly there now instead of completely unreal. I feel like I can deal with the snow and the floaters, and hopefully they also will start reduce with time.


----------



## Guest (Mar 10, 2012)

I can't give any advice regarding your post, because it seems you've been through a point that I haven't experienced, but all I can say is that I enjoyed reading it and it does seem that even thought you still feel lost, you are finding yourself again... Or at least finding your new self. And that's awesome. You're also taking all the necessary steps to get you back "in" to life. Don't overload yourself, but don't hold back. Continuing as you are, I am certain you will find you. Best of luck okay?


----------



## LogLady (Oct 17, 2011)

beth. said:


> I can't give any advice regarding your post, because it seems you've been through a point that I haven't experienced, but all I can say is that I enjoyed reading it and it does seem that even thought you still feel lost, you are finding yourself again... Or at least finding your new self. And that's awesome. You're also taking all the necessary steps to get you back "in" to life. Don't overload yourself, but don't hold back. Continuing as you are, I am certain you will find you. Best of luck okay?


Thank you Beth! Very encouraging words.


----------



## TPurkers (Jul 23, 2011)

Hey there,

I thought I would give my reply as I have been in your shoes and I have asked the same questions myself, but I will say first off that you haven't completely recovered. I thought I had recovered because the panic/total disability left and I was able to function somewhat normally, but if you cant feel music yet fully you are not recovered, but you are making progress!

When you recover, your point of view about the objective world goes away and you literally do become "your old self" and the color and dimension in everything returns- things make more sense, people what they say, the feelings of things and places, everyting makes so much more sense and you realize that all that objective stuff is actually what doesn't make sense. I will say though that your experience feeling terror and incapacity becomes like a bad dream- you remember it but you dont internalize it- like it wasn't necessairly "you" in a weird way, just a blip on the radar that you no longer identify with. It may be hard to see that now becuase you are still close to it, or in it, and its such a huge impact on everything, and you are still living (or exisiting I shoud say) with the residue,

but if you have any feeling that you are a robot, that something is "off" even if you think you are better but uncertain, then its still there. When you come out of DPDR you KNOW it like someone holding a big neon sign right in front of your face, you literally "click" into it and life opens up and just calls out your name is sooo crazy and you will notice it, just as wen you first came into DPDR, you KNOW that there is a state change, its the same coming out of it, its just as intense until you adapt to it and it becomes normal again but surfacing is really intense initially. But recovery is weird also, because you can relapse if the structure in your life is not there, or if there is something upsetting you that still hasnt been resolved. I know because I have had days where I wake up and I am recovered fully, and then within the hour I sense the numbness, and I feel my reality dumb down and thats tough to work through. But when you recover and begin reconstructing your life, you see it for what it was and something that is no longer part of your narrative. If anything, reality is strange because suddenly you are a participant in it again, things become exciting and meaningful and its almost like you are back in your body but your body just happens to be displaced. You will feel excellent, but maybe a little like "woah, where do I go from here" its like juggling a couple different selves or states. When you are in your old, original, true, relaxed state, everything is incredible and you might actually be overwhelmed by how intense and beautiful everything is in life, but its also extremely empowering becuase your brains and your sense of identity return and its such a contrast and you feel like anything is possible. Life is stil there even if our hands aren't touching it. If anything its a huge comfort to be able to experience it as there and know that it hanst left you that you still have a chance to connect to it when you are in a more ready and safe place.

Here are some tips that I have found help me recover and stay in a better place and when I wasnt following them I ended up relapsing

1) structure- this sounds counter intuitive but find a situation that you can relax into/attach to- even if it means allowing yourself to be lazy. A good example is a part time office job maybe in middle am or early afternoon, where you can use your brain but that isnt totally demanding and gives a sense of security- even if for a year or so. Be aware of overstimulating, complex or exhausting work, those things never help dpdr. AND DONT start your own business like I did, because I was constantly thinking about it and it made my DPDR worse and I felt very insecure survival wise. If you can have your "work time" seperate from your relaxing time, you can start to build up cues to being more your old self, relaxing into the moment etc.

2)take as much time out for yourself as possible to connect,eat well, sleep and be around people you trust. spend time readin,walking, thinking about where you want to be, trying to stick with the feeling that everything is all right, you have all the time in the world, you are your priority right now. take it easy, relax, sink in to it, nap, think about a better present and better future. basically learning to relax in life

3) the biggest challenge is relaxing If you can relax and recover then you can start thinking sbout tackling more important things but relaxing/safety/security is a priority.


----------



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

TPurkers said:


> Hey there,
> 
> I thought I would give my reply as I have been in your shoes and I have asked the same questions myself, but I will say first off that you haven't completely recovered. I thought I had recovered because the panic/total disability left and I was able to function somewhat normally, but if you cant feel music yet fully you are not recovered, but you are making progress!
> 
> ...


This is so crazy, amazing, and spot on! Everything you described about being back in reality is so accurate, as I recovered myself briefly for only 3 weeks last April. Unfortunately, I relapsed after those 3 weeks, and I believe it was due in part to not following the steps you listed. I also agree that relaxing/safety/security are the biggest foundations towards achieving recovery. I recovered while I was in a psychiatric hospital, and I felt very safe there. Thank you for taking the time to type this out. I have a question though. Did you spontaneously just ''come back to reality'' in an instant or did you have snippits of coming in and out of it? For me, it was spontaneous, out of the blue, instant.


----------



## TPurkers (Jul 23, 2011)

Ive had both, where I wake up and am normal or maybe something happens that releases/frees me but then it ends up fading back. I think the longest ive recovered is 3 days but I get a day or so here and there. Right now its pretty bad cause Im in a catch 22.Im looking for work but Ive blown all mmy interviews because the dpdr is so bad people think I must be high or retarded .







I think if i was normal for one day and had my brain I could ace anything in my path... so its a process.


----------



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

TPurkers said:


> I think if i was normal for one day and had my brain I could ace anything in my path...


This.


----------



## Lukeyd (May 1, 2011)

LogLady,

You just described me perfectly, it is actually kinda scary how close to me you are. We have had DP/DR for about the same time and and my dp/dr is at a similar level at the moment.

Right now i am like you, i can somewhat connect to everything, MUCH more than a year ago, but it is still not smacking me in the face like i feel it should. But every now and then i get glimpses of intensity and REAL reality. It is in those moments that i realize that i am not out of dp/dr yet and that eventually I will feel 100% okay.

The current philosophy I use is "if i don't think that this is how reality should feel, then I'm not in reality yet."

We are close, i know it!

TPurkers your post made me so happy to read (well, as happy as you can feel with dp). That post was exactly what i needed to read


----------

