# my sobriety / journal / my battle



## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

ok i hope you dont all mind but i wanted to make my progress public to everyone on a forum in which i can trust members...
firstly ive decided to give up drink,ive struggled and struggled on many many occasions... im mainly using this site as a platform to list my progress/moods/state of mind etc so i will be posting a small passage each day either large or small... if you want to read and comment then great if not,well you dont have to lol

im sick of feeling sick,im sick of waking and struggling through the sweats,anxiety and depression,ive tried AA but any use of the word 'god' hasnt sat well with me,i started to visit a mans progress videos on youtube,the man lives in LA and hes inspired me and has advised me to actually put into print my progress... ive bullshitt**d my way through explainning my drinking but it wasnt nice, i wasnt drinking anything other than beer but i was drinking alot of beer (16-20 cans per day)

i told myself it was only beer but now for the nasty bit

'i would shake in the mornings'
'i had to watch my bowel movements through fear of soiling myself'
'i couldnt eat'
'i would vomit'
'i was extremely depressed and as for dp,that was through the roof until i drank at least another 6 cans'
'hemmorroids were a problem'
'blackouts were a problem,and i would make myself look stupid in public'
'i wouldnt wash or shave for about 4 days'

oh i was just turning into a damn mess... pot bellied,red eyed,scruffy,unorganised

at the moment im just about managing to help out a friend in a buissiness which i should be a big part of but he sussed my drinking habits and it seems to be going down the pan ,although i will help him the best i can

ok so there you have it an admission which most of you already knew,i ddint want to post this on an AA forum as like i said the word god gets mentioned way too much,and i know im strong enough to battle this,im now ready

ok im now onto day 2 so im a little late with starting this

day one dec 19 (2007) i woke without taking a drop of alcohol,ive been slowly withdrawing from alcohol and yesterday i was ready,i went for a walk and the neighbours asked if i had hayfever,the reason ? i had red watery puffy eyes and cracked lips,i brought some wholesome food and a vitamin drink,i then threw out any signs of beer and tidied my flat all the time alcohol sweating from my pores,i looked horrific also ive gained 2 stones (28lb) all from beer... i felt guilty due to my emotions returning and noticed the bruising on my body from falls and knocks... most of yesterday i just felt trembly and weak,i took a bath ,watched a film and cooked up some fish and vegtables... then i tried to sleep but without the beer the same old insomnia returned and i finally slept at 4 am

day two dec (2007)

woke at midday feeling pretty good,i jumped out of bed without wishing i was unconcious for just a little longer,i walked to the shops and brought some good food for dinner,i then delivered some flyers for the buissiness,then cycled over to my mums house(now if i was drinking none of this would have happened,this is why i want to stop)
at the moment im sipping on diet caffeine free coke and looking forward to watching a film later,the only dread i have in my mind now is the fact that my family are going away on saturday morning for a week and its just me on my own... the stumbling block for me is boredom,when im bored i want to drink,unless youve had a drink problem this scenario might be hard to grasp,you see im surrounded by activities but in a drinking persons mind nothing else matters,anyway today has been good im feeling better and i know i will wake feeling ok and not feeling so dirty......

i will post everyday and make no promises but, i am truly sick of being sick ... ok day 2 and im clean and sober for the time being

kind regards

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

ok day three 21 dec (2007)

still not drinking ! didnt get to sleep until 4am and awoke at 9am so my body still isnt used to sleeping without the booze to knock me out,my anxiety has dropped to an alltime low level and i dont feel totally depressed,in bed i was able to sit for a while and think without the actual thought process causing me anxiety,i was thinking on a rational clearhead this morning and have really realised the main causes of my drinking ...

most drinkers/alcoholics blame others for there drinking i blame me and the way i think,as a late teen i did well in school and there were high hopes for me but my shyness and lack of confidence held me back but i had this vision of me by now at the grand old age of 36 of being happily married with children in a middle classed house... but im not !

due to illness anxiety/depression/dp/bouts of agrophobia im living in a lower class housing estate,on my own and struggling with bills,what ive realised im doing is protesting or rather 'sulking' because of the situation im in..

what do i do? i drink ! then ive been known to kick doors in,pull pictures off the wall,kick the walls ..... it all makes sense now im just fighting against my situation im in by getting drunk and acting like a spoilt brute and trying to bust up my flat

when sober things around here dont seem so bad and i try to remain possitive but when drunk im attacking my situation and it all looks dark..

my postings will get shorter once i work these things out but typing this all down is a great way of releasing these thoughts/emotions..... i wouldnt ever have the patience to sit down and write these things down so this is a good place for me,for others to read these isnt my intentions so im really writing in the 3rd person ...

ok so its day 3 of sobriety i feel really good,im looking after my sisters dog for a week so i will be making full use of the park opposite my flat,i am a little worried though as its the christmas period and all of my family are going to the north of england so for a week all over christmas im on my own and also today is 'friday' and this is the time i think about hitting the booze or the bars ....

i might post back later if temptation is getting the best of me


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

still on day three

my mum visited me at around 2pm with some food and drink for me to say thanks for all my help after losing my dad in febuary this year,i took up the shopping and then she opened the boot with a crate of beers :? 
i told her to take them home and give them to someone else,she asked why i didnt want them i told her id gone off the taste... ok temptation no 1...

then my buisiness partner phoned me and invited me around to resolve a certain disagreement we had,he offered me beer i had coffee , he then asked if i was still visiting him and his family for christmas day dinner,i said sure,he then said 'great ive loads of beer stocked up' i told him i was off the booze,him and his girlfriend asked if it was forever i told them that i will be trying my best to stay away but i cant make any promises to anyone so as not to dissapoint...

im now feeling very insecure anxious and dped ... man i could do with a beer to take the edge off of these feelings


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day four 22 dec 2007 (saturday)

firstly thankyou for anyone that has sent me pm,s like i explainned to most, im making this an open diary as i do believe that alot of people are self medicating with alcohol and keeping there secret in the dark (which is there right to do so) but also by sharing these battles i have with booze/anxiety/depression/panic attacks/dp, it makes me feel not so alone and also i feel like im making more of a commitment

last night was tough ,i was anxious and dped to hell,i felt like heading to the off licence,but i didnt instead i grabbed a bar of low/cal chocolate and drank a glass of caffeine free diet coke,i then watched a film called 'before the devil knows youre dead' which was a very good film with a great storyline and films always help me escape (well some do)
sleep was a problem, again with booze im usually asleep by about 9pm but last night i was still awake at 5 am and i awoke at midday...
the problem i had this morning was that the usual triggers for drinking arose,id had a bad vivid dream the ones that lay on the mind allday making me feel that im half in the real world and half in that dream,i felt anxious i felt total fear and straight away i thought about my past ways of combatting this and that is to grab a beer and then a few more until i dont care ... but i didnt

i walked my sisters dog(who im dogsitting for while shes away)down to my mums which is about 2 miles away, so i had some fresh air and good exercise,i fed my mums cats and then walked to the shops to post a letter and buy a newspaper,i also brought some low cal chocolate to relieve booze cravings if i get them later...

its now 3.15 pm and ive finished reading the newspaper,so now im going to make some lunch and later look forward to watching the new will smith film 'i am legend'

so far the pros

my eyes are now whiter and have turned back to a more clear blue
my digestion is fine
my cracked lips are no more
my hemmoroid problem is no more
im eating regular meals
im exercising
my mental focus is more possitive
my anxiety has lessoned immensly
my kidneys dont ache 
im bathing everyday
depression is lifting

the cons

difficulty getting to sleep
feelings of spaciness/unreality are in full force

umm as anyone can see the pros far outweigh the cons

ok heres to another day of sobriety..............................hopefully :?:


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day five 23 dec (2007) sunday

well heres to another day of sobriety,didnt sleep well as usual finally slept at 5 am then woke at 9am as i had to go out into the country and price a job.... 
i then walked the dog to the shops and brought a newspaper which ive just read (same old rubbish in the news)
what im finding now with my state of mind is that im getting that heavy feeling of groudhog day which the booze would take away,but as i cut into the day this lessons and also i have the added benefit of feeling better,last night i visited a friend whom im going to spend christmas day with ive already told him im not drinking,my friend told me that in the afternoon weve been invited to another friends house for drinks,ive told him i wont be attending,but what im realising is that when i tell people im not drinking there seems to be a dissapointment in there face as if to say 'youre not as much fun when sober'
its true im not and this is what i worry about am i going to turn into a boring old fart ? i dunno maybe its better to be a boring old fart than a drunken old fart ... ive brought my selection of low cal chocolate which does take the booze cravings away and i have my caffeine free diet coke... the will smith film last night 'i am legend' was good but not brilliant,tonights film will be 'the bucket list' which stars jack nicholson and morgan freeman so im looking forward to this... this afternoon i will be doing a collection of my favourite songs from my tim buckley album collection and just trying to relax and cook some good food,sometimes i get disheartened about only 5 days sober but as ive been told some people cant manage 5 minutes without a drink so thats my affirmation for today


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## Revelation_old (Aug 9, 2004)

Keep fighting JC, I'm hoping for you bro!


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

thanks rev :wink:

im fed up with bullsh**ting about my drinking habits,and it wasnt doing my mental health any favours... but its like a double whammy, dp and alcohol abuse.... im scared of the dp symptoms so i drink to escape, and the drink makes the dp and other anxiety related issues worse

ive realised that if(and i will) make it to day seven then that will be the first week in 18 years that i havnt touched a drop of booze.... oh man its so tough not to combat my fears and insecurities with alcohol

well its 10.30 pm and another day without alcohol..... im feeling quite low at the moment and very spaced out,i look out of my window and it all seems strange to me.... it would be so easy to grab a beer and for that fear to go away... but i will keep on keeping on,as they say


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## Revelation_old (Aug 9, 2004)

You're experiencing withdrawal, fight it bro. You'll feel much better for it!

I can understand why you drank but you can beat it too  Just keep remembering tomorrow is another day, you'll feel better and experience "proper" reality. That reality may feel unreal and hard at first but eventually you'll start to "be there" and "own" it! If you have any hiccups in your "recovery", no worries, as I've stated the next day is a new day. Keep your head up! FIGHT!!!

*You deserve it JC.* Grats on day 5!


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

thxs again rev very wise words !

im posting this picture to shame myself, and to remind myself why i shouldnt drink ... vanity isnt included in this im afraid... this was caused 2 days before i decided to try quitting,as you can imagine this bruise has gone down considerably and i dont even remember how i did it ... yep blackouts as well


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day six monday 24th dec (2007 christmas eve)

well here i am day six christmas eve,not really feeling very festive at the moment but thats due to the fact that i took a friend shopping this morning and after 4 hours we finally sat down and she offered me a beer and i kindly denied it and drank my usual diet coke...
another sleepless night has passed me by, finally got some shut eye at around 5am but not for long..... if i was to describe how i feel it would be

mentally stronger,emotionally stronger,physically stronger more energetic but...... im gagging for some kind of a release,the kind of release booze gives me,or rather the kind of release booze gives me to make me feel like im actually enjoying myself and enabling me to be more sociable,at the moment its a struggle to act like im enjoying myself and relaxing in peoples company... in my head is just, beer...beer...beer

well tommorow will be christmas day and a week of sobriety so for that im very glad,if i was drunk now on beer id probably wake up tommorow and miss out half of the day and probably not make it to any of my friends houses

have a good christmas one and all

jc (oh and roll on 2008,this year has been terrible for me ,and anyone whos lost a parent will know what im talking about... why im not in the madhouse is anyones guess)


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day seven 25th dec tues (2007 christmas day)

hi all happy christmas for those that are still reading this,its now 10.30am i was intending to sleep until midday as i have to face a room full of excited kids while sober,ive had a few phonecalls from family and my friend who im having dinner with has just asked me to come over early if i want to, but im trying to leave it as late as possible so as i said i dont have to deal with his overexcited kids,that might sound selfish but thats how i feel...

today my mind is telling me to drink,i have told myself i have to be honest in this journal and if i f**k up then i f**k up and own upto it and said 'i tried' but i havnt given up yet ...

my online alcoholic friend has sent me an email saying that if i drink thats OK just try and start the route to sobriety as soon as possible if its starting to become a problem again,i dont want to drink but my emotions are all over the place,with the heightened anxiety..

my mum has just phoned and has also told me to have a drink today !

this isnt going to be easy,its amazing how many people tell you to stop drinking then the same people are willing you to drink when trying to stay dry...

ok rambling over

have a good christmas

jc


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

Good on you jc :wink:


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## AllmindnoBrain (Jun 28, 2007)

You should read the book "I am Legend", its great, I havent seen the movie yet though.


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## Guest (Dec 25, 2007)

AllmindnoBrain said:


> You should read the book "I am Legend", its great, I havent seen the movie yet though.


Downloaded and watch the film last night; tis a winner.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

i thought the film i am legend was terrible,but hourses for courses..

day eight wed 26th dec (2007 boxing day)

i drank yesterday i struggled to maintain anykind of real happiness on christmas day,the day started off well then about 4 pm my friend asked if i wanted a beer i thought 'what the hell' then after a few bottles of beer everything was suddenly fun and exciting,i wasnt drunk but the darkness had lifted,i came home and played some music and i could 'feel' the music....

i had one of my horrible vivid dreams and woke at around 11am in a state of panic due to the horrible dream,i didnt eat breakfast,i brushed my teeth and grabbed beer,ive since been to the off licence and brought 16 cans of beer.... im not dissapointed in myself i just need to let this run its course and pick up from where i left off

ok time to hoover the carpets and take the dog for a walk

chat later

if sober enough i will be watching 'the great debater' with denzel washington

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

ok midnight boxing day,well i had 4 beers and then went onto orange juice and lemonade,ordered a pizza then went to bed for a couple of hours... im now drinking coffee so i managed to pull it together,so hopefully i will sleep later and feel fresh ready to get back on track... i knew this wasnt going to be easy but im quite pleased with the fact that i managed to stop from drinking myself stupid


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day nine thur 27th dec (2007)

11.00am back on track and drinking coffee and eating cereals,when drinking beer i usually bypass the cereals and then end up eating something readymade later,usually readymade as im too lethargic due to the booze to make anything...

im glad christmas is over as it usually scrambles my brain when things dont follow theye usual path ..

ive a basketfull of washing so id better get on and get it sorted

so apart from a blip at christmas day im very proud of myself


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day ten friday dec 28 (2007)

rather than keep repeating myself and saying 'day ? sober apart from a few beers on christmas day' im going to purposely forget about christmas day,yes a little cheat but there you have it i need to keep possitive and i did say i was going to be honest but as i said im going to forgive myself those beers on christmas day and start by saying

DAY 10 OF SOBRIETY !

i asked myself this morning whether its worth me to keep writing this journal but i know thats just a depressed mind doing its normal thing of giving up too easily so i will persist,afterall it doesnt take me long and i find it very cathartic.... still sober although anxiety is low my perception of the world is different not in a scary way but still that same old groundhog day feeling digging in to the point of insanity... the amount of times each day i have to remove the thought from my mind that 'everyday is the same' drives me nutz

ok so far today ive paid my rent and council tax,later i need to buy electricity and pay my tv licence,then its off to the supermarket to buy shopping ,and after ive done this i will open my wallet and realize its empty... oh such joy

ok day 10 of sobriety and im feeling tired and slightly fed up but hopefully once i get out in the fresh air this will change a little

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

well its 10.oo pm on day 10 ,ive paid my bills ,done my food shopping then took a drive into town and brought myself 4 pairs of trousers in a half price sale....

at the moment im feeling extremely tired and extremely low......... im not sure whats causing this depression maybe its my lack of sleep or the constant thought i have of a new year with this feeling of detachment

problems with alcohol
problems with anxiety
problems with depression
problems with money

oh well life goes on

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

..........


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 11 29th dec (2007) saturday

day 11 had a good nights sleep and feeling a bit better today but im coughing and sneezing so i think part of what i was feeling yesterday was the start of a cold,strange how when i was drinking i never ever had a cold..... i attempted to post a music video yesterday to try and portray in music what moods i was feeling but the embeded code didnt show up....

anyway its day 11 and i need to collect my clean clothes from my mums house (im yet to buy a washing machine)so i will take a walk to my mums,then get a newspaper on the way back .... watched the new denzel washington film last night 'the debaters' it was ok,tonight i will relax and watch 'atonement'

its a nice sunny day im feeling better and still sober... so hope everyone has a good day

ive brought some nice food so i will have a nice meal of chicken breast ,cottage cheese and mixed salad... after shopping for trousers yesterday i realized just what bad shape im in so im not going to count calories but im sure without alcohol the fat should drop off (hopefully)

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 12 dec 30th (2007 sunday)

just finished giving my tropical fish a long overdue waterchange so they seem like a real happy bunch at the moment its now 1pm.. my online friend chris sent me his usual daily email telling me that maybe its not such a good idea to keep dates of sobriety ,but for me i have to disagree as im very competitive and by reading back my diary entrys it gives me a sense of routine and something to go for.... this seemed kind of strange coming from someone whos kept a vlog for 75 days,he keeps telling me that i should goto AA meetings but ive been before and they really arnt for me... if i fall off the wagon then ive only got myself to blame but so far so good.... one of the main reasons of stopping drink is the health benefits both mental and physical ,my dad died this year brought on by complications with diabetes and i really need to address this issue,only yesterday ive realised that im now buying t-shirts in a size xxl ... it made me feel very sad that booze has done this to me... im always out and about and i eat a clean diet so i only have the alcohol to blame for this weight gain,well lets face it you cant drink 16 pints of beer a day and remain fit and slim ...

today im going to go through my album collection by a band called 'porcupine tree' and create a favourites album to play in the car,later i will go around to meet my sister who is visiting from wales,and my friend wants me to go visit later in the evening,im still sucking on sugar free sweets to stop any cravings but im also drinking lots of diet coke,which i really need to cut down on ... but all in all i feel much better

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 13 dec 31 (2007 monday new years eve)

i thought i was going to be battling with my mind today as its new years eve 'beer,shall i have a beer' was the sound that i was suspecting was going to enter my mind,but all i can think of is 'i dont even feel like drinking'

this my friends is great news for me as i seem to be breaking those old thought patterns,the feeling of mental introspection is still here so dp is in full efffect but i feel in control,but i know that one drink and it could all turn to a disorganized mess in a short space of time.

i woke up at around midday today due to the fact that my sleeping patterns are still a problem,well i say a problem but im spending the early hours watching films and reading but im missing out on the early starts to the day so i really need to try and get up earlier so as to see more daylight hours..

i know today i will have a few phonecalls asking me over for celebratory drinks but i need to resist,my plan for today is to basically chill out at home wait for the new year and look forward to 2008... alcohol is certainly a very brief 'cure' for dp and other aniety related issues,after nearly 2 weeks

I FEEL BETTER
MY DEPRESSION HAS LIFTED
MY ANXIETY HAS LOWERED
I ACTUALLY WAKE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DAY 
IM EATING HEALTHY
IM EXERCISING

its all good ... im going to be looking around online today as im thinking of investing in a punch bag as its very good exercise and it relives alot of built up tension so if i find i have enough money i will place an order and get punching... well its better than punching walls in a drunken state

have a great new year

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

9pm ive been invited to 3 parties but im home alone,and why ? i just cant goto a party without booze and have fun

ok edit time.....

i was going to choose some dreary old music to suit my mood but ive decided to give myself a kick up the ass


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 14 tuesday (january 1st new years day ! )

2 weeks of sobriety !!!!!,wow last night was difficult almost grabbed a beer but ate some good food instead,ive been to the shops to buy my 2 litre bottle of diet coke(well pepsi max to be precise lol)

im noticing glum looking faces and curtains closed and im feeling fresh as a daisy,it feels good to gloat when not hungover,but the downside is that staying sober has turned me into a social leper,i had 3 invites to parties and then my friend in the next block phoned me at around 10pm asking me over .... until i can be around drinkers and feel comfortable then i need to resist...

on that note of my friend in the next block well he was the one that i used to go over and see and drink with (my drinking partner) in a drunken state i could listen to his drunken ramblings but ive made a decision that i need to stay away,i meen this fella will start the day by drinking vodka and wont stop until he passes out all the while repeating the same stories hes been telling me for the past 2 years... he will ask me soon why im avoiding him but i will just have to be honest and say that for a while i cant be around drink or drinkers,that might sound selfish but its me that matters at the moment .....

well my clothes seem to be getting looser also and im not walking around with that bloated feeling,im glad i made it past the maddness of the festivities

heres to 2008


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 15 jan 2 (wed 2007)

today im in a piss*d off mood ,im closely approaching my 37th birthday on jan 24th and im not really going anywhere, but ive also realised that women just dont want to know me anymore other than comments that im 'a nice bloke' 
ive had many opportunities but ive always been too drunk to follow things through and make any commitment,i just dont find myself attrative,im balding,overweight,im broke,im moody and not much fun at all

yes folks im feeling sorry for myself but i just dont know how to change things,im doing my best to change me but what for ?

on another note i had the 2nd email this week from my online friend who is a recovering alcoholic and just as i expected hes started to tell me to get intouch with god and basically preach to me,why couldnt he have just respected my views that i want to get sober but im not into anykind of god ... im looking out of my window and watching people returning with there little yellow bags ( the ones used by the off licence) but i know drinking wont help me...

yesterday i went back in time with my daily film and watched 'the odd couple' circa 1968,what can i say an absolute classic !
jack lemmon is me ,clean ,careful,thoughtful,a worrier,never takes risks,and never gets the girl....... walter matthau is who i want to be confident,laid back,easy going,and doesnt give a toss what anyone thinks of him...

ok well rant over and hopefully my mood will change,in the meentime heres a bit of 'seasick steve'


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

I hope you pack it in for good JC, it's terrible to read about the way this has consumed you....I had no idea you drank so much. I really feel for you mate.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

thankyou rozanne,yes it was out of control and i was in denial right down to the eye drops to take away the redness,and the mouthwash to hide the smell of booze,also the stories of me having the flu when infact it was a hangover.... i used alcohol to take away the anxiety when infact it was causing more anxiety ... never say never but i am and will try my best to remain sober ...

day 16 jan 3 (thurs 2008)

didnt have much sleep last night (as per usual) i lay in bed and read a book until 4am .... my friend has been around for a coffee and we had a good chat with the topic being booze,he was another of my drinking buddies and hes trying to quit which is good,alcohol seems to be a very prominent thing in the uk,only last night on tv there was a documentory about binge drinking in the uk...

ok so day 16 ive drank my coffee and am now on my usual diet coke,im still waiting on a phonecall from a cliet who needs a job pricing so im itching to get back to work,ive not much to say today really as im feeling kind of ok in myself,i still have this trembling in my hands first thing in the morning but im not sure if its anxiety or withdrawl,but apart from that im feeling less bloated and generally feeling fitter and more lively

right im off to the shops to get a paper,diet coke and some low cal chocolate

jc


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## Revelation_old (Aug 9, 2004)

Keep these up man. Really good read.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

I think you are doing fantastic JC, but I would highly recommend drinking smoothies or eating fruit instead of the substitutes you have. You would benefit greatly from a bowel detox and it would help you feel much clearer headed as well...

The only thing is that detox by its very nature is strenuous...I really don't know the first thing about how fast you should pace yourself, but if you could get some homemade banana and avocado smoothies in that could make you feel clearer in your bowels and your head.

All the best
Rozanne


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

my diet consists of

chicken breast
tons of natural fish
oatmeal
vegtables
salad
natural yoghurt
wholemael pasta
wholemeal bread
wholemeal ryvitas and natural nuts for snacking on
skimmed milk
fruit

my only downfall is the diet coke ,but i figure its got to be better than alcohol ... id love to drink smoothies allday but i really havnt got the money ... but i know where youre coming from

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 17 jan 4th (fri 2008)

still sober with no real craving for a drink... havnt long been out of bed long ,stayed up last night and read a book,had my usual toast and coffee for breakfast...

ive noticed apart from it being very cold outside its very dark as well,it feels weird to wake in the morning and to have to put the lights on...
im very keen to get back to work but i suppose most people are broke due to the christmas spending,its strange how its friday i dont seem to get that friday feeling anymore... i need to stop singing the morrissey song 'everday is like sunday' i laugh about this but it isnt very healthy because thats how it feels ...

tonight i will sit down and watch the film 'sweeney todd' and hope this restores my faith in the film industry,ok time to take a long walk and then buy a paper and the usual diet coke and sweets

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

friday night nearly 10pm ... im really really struggling,all im thinking about is having a beer... shall i ,shant i ? these are the words right at this very moment that keep repeating in my head

all i want to do now is drink a few beers play music and just sit and cop a buzz

oh boy oh boy


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## Guest (Jan 4, 2008)

Fuck it JC, don?t allow the pathetic CnH2n+1OH chemical to control you life? when you feel up to it, go and buy some and smile while pouring it down the toilet. You da man, now keep proving this to yourself.

I can put myself in your shoes by thinking how hard I?d find it to not play computer games for the same amount of time you have stopped drinking. I?d go insane if I didn?t find something else to replace it with.

Take care.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

cheers man
this is so tough ... luckily my obsession with watching some of my favourite music on youtube is helping me.....

this track albeit a soppy little ballad is doing the trick at the moment....


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

and youre not too far from the truth btw in reference to your couputer games.... its a feeling not much different from having your tv,and pc taken away with nothing left but an empty room


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## Guest (Jan 4, 2008)

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/alerts/l/blnaa06.htm



> Craving for Alcohol
> 
> This theory suggests that craving for alcohol is an appetitive urge, similar to hunger, that varies in intensity and is characterized by withdrawal-like symptoms. The symptoms are elicited by internal and external cues that evoke memory of the euphoric effects of alcohol and of the discomfort of withdrawal.


It's even harder then having your comp removed... just see how strong you are mate... if this theory is treat, it's very much like craving for food. So no wonder it's difficult. Keep going! =D


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

as i said in an earlier post im maybe gonna splatter some youtube clips to kind of simulate the mood im in,so for some reason this is how im feeling (if you know what i meen) not unhappy not sad just reflective... i hope this doesnt all sound too pretentious,its justa good way for me to get things off my chest


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## Guest (Jan 5, 2008)

This is your thread, so splatter all you want on it and don't worry what other's could/will think =). It's good to express what you're feeling.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

im pretty sure from my times on these forums that theres alot out there using alcohol to relieve the symptoms of dp/dr,so im hoping that this is maybe helping others.... ok 12.30 am ive made another day (but only just)

friday nights are always the worst time for me as i know going to the pub involves having fun

cheers
jc


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## Guest (Jan 5, 2008)

You're starting to feel lonley... you could do with getting out, parhaps a night class of studying would help?


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 19 jan 5th (2008 sat)

firstly thanks to darren for the support last night, it meens alot and also i stayed away from the booze,weekends are always going to be the problem for me,because my working class ethics are still firmly in place....

ive always suffered from this thought process that tells me that everyone else is having a better time than me,but as i know this isnt always the case so i really must try and convince myself that staying in and watching a movie isnt a bad thing,this is the pitfall of not having a partner because otherwise i could plan maybe a meal,or a trip to the cinema or a trip to the coast etc...

right its 10.30 am ive been up since 8.30 when my postman woke me to deliver some new carbon filters for my tropical fish so i will be fitting them later and hopefully i will see a change in the quality of the water,also i had a letter from the debt collectors working on behalf of thames water threatening me as per usual,i pay all my bills but i missed one payment for thames water and they sent me a threatening letter straight away and i dont like threats so im in a 'f**k you' mood with thames water no baliff is going to get past my front door,also a letter from a council rep telling me hes going to pay me a visit regarding rent and council tax benefits this is a yearly thing they do... i used to panic at all of these things but ive learnt to not let it worry me anymore its just everyone trying to get there pound of flesh..

due to my not sleeping im nearly through my latest book so today i will pay a visit to the library today,also i need to go shopping so i will walk to my mums to borrow the car,i started to watch the film 'sweeney todd' yesterday at it turned out to be a musical so i was piss*ed off with that (i hate musicals)
ive noticed for some reason that im getting some major deja vu episodes ,why i dont know but im not scared by it... my work buddy phoned me at 9.00 am and it seems that hes only picking up work for one man so until any big jobs come along i seem to be waiting by the phone,i used to get mad at this but he does have a family to feed and bills to pay so theres not alot i can do about this

ok day 19 saturday time to go and buy a newspaper

jc


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## Guest (Jan 5, 2008)

You?re welcome. No one should have to go alone doing this? I must admit, I haven?t read through all of your thread. Although, have you got any outside support for this? There?s no need to go through this alone. Yeah I know what you mean about feeling others are having a great time while you?re stuck at home, although I?ve begun not to let it upset me? other?s are in the same if not much worse pain then I am. And I have a chance to change my life for the better, millions of people don?t have that chance.

Keep it up mate =).


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

10.00pm saturday night

still sober,ive had thoughs about drinking but havnt really had a craving for it,what i did realise was that everytime i thought about taking a drink it was during or just after a mild anxiety attack or a disturbance in reality (dp) so it really is more of a self medicating scenario...

i managed to pick up 2 books from the libary and do some shopping,i then visited a friend and we jammed on guitars and i talked to him about the process of songwriting as this is something he wants to try out,ive just had a bath and this always makes me feel better... all i want to do now is concentrate on making it to day 30 without a drink,i think its always good to have a reasonable goal... and it is true what they say ... one day at a time

heres one of the videos i showed my friend its a man called roddy frame who used to be in aztec camera and in my oppinion a fantastic songwriter


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 20 sunday (6 jan 2008)

feeling slightly tired at the moment stayed up as per usual reading a book,im sure i do this so as to wake later in the day so the day doesnt seem so long..

a few things are running through my head now,on one hand im thinking 'right get to the shops buy a paper some diet coke and chocolates then go and visit my mum' and the other side of me is thinking 'god im bored i could really do with getting high right now'

its not a good position to be in as i know i could relapse quite easily,some say take up an activity but i havnt got the energy or the enthusiasm.. if i pick up a drink i know that this will continue for the next 4 days or so and all my hard work would have been ruined,if i knew i could manage to have one day drinking and that was that then it wouldnt consume my feelings of guilt...

im just feeling so bored and fed up its unreal,my friend in buissiness seems t have stopped calling me since he got his truck on the road so i can only assume hes out doing little jobs for himself,this makes me feel kind of angry because to me this suggest that hes being selfish but i have to keep telling myself that he has a family to feed...

maybe its my fault when i have people contacting me on a daily basis i get fed up with it and i want my own time to myself,but then when i get too much time to myself i wonder why all the phonecalls have stopped

think im going to pop a clonazepam and try and slow down all these thoughts

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

11.30pm sunday night

ive been in a dreadful mood all day... i even had a pop at my mum and she said 'i sensed you were in one of those moods' thing is i feel so tired but i got a good 8 hours sleep so i dont know why im feeling like this....

just finished watching a film with michael douglas called 'the king of california' it was ok,tommorow i will watch 'charlie wilsons war' as ive read good reports about it

went shopping and stocked up on

diet coke
sugar free boiled sweets
and natural nuts

i use these as a substitute for booze and they seem to help me get by...

my buisiness partner phoned me today and said he had a buisiness proposition so i went around for a chat and his plan is to get another mobile phone and advertise for waste clearances,he then talked about me having the phone and booking the jobs in,im getting the impression that he plans for me to go and do these clearances on my own and he gets a cut of the money..... i just hope that he doesnt try to pull the wool over my eyes,either way ive asked rev if he can kindly add this feature to our website so hopefully rev isnt too busy

ive realised that tommorow will be 3 weeks sober so im pleased about this but in all honesty i could kill for a beer .....

music most of all is the best therepy... a tune keeping my spirits up tonight


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## Guest (Jan 6, 2008)

jc said:


> i just hope that he doesnt try to pull the wool over my eyes,either way ive asked rev if he can kindly add this feature to our website so hopefully rev isnt too busy
> 
> ive realised that tommorow will be 3 weeks sober so im pleased about this but in all honesty i could kill for a beer .....
> 
> music most of all is the best therepy... a tune keeping my spirits up tonight


Well it goes to show that you aren't a dumb ass =), can you explain more about your work, i'm interested. What is it you're speaking about Rev adding to this site?

Three weeks with out alcohol... wow, you da man... Congratulations!

Keep us updated =).


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

yeh 3 weeks ! but my mindset is starting to weaken towards the thought of booze,BUT thats why i started this thread/journal etc... so i could read back when i wasnt in such good shape.... 
if i do fall off the wagon i will certainly post it here because i need to be honest with myself....
i have noticed another thing as well,when i was anxious after a days drinking i wouldnt answer the phone or the front door,it was like my confidence had been shattered but now sober my confidence seems to have built so booze was acting in a different way for me

right time to get in bed and read a book


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 21 ( 3weeks sober) mon 7 jan

wow made it to 3 weeks,so now my mind is focussing on making it to a month ... thats the good thing about starting this journal it gives me something to go for or rather compete for.

stayed up until 5am reading and woke at around 11am, i took a walk to my mums to put on some washing as i havnt got a washing machine and it also forces me to go out and get some exercise,so that was a good 45 minutes exercise and i will more than likely go out later... im still keeping a very clean diet and the weight is slowly dropping off so this is another beneficial reason to quit drinking... im also starting my day now with a few stretches as the lack of exercise and booze and the bloating caused me to feel tight in all of my muscles and i was also getting slight back and knee pain which isnt good .. ive been brought over a couple of items today by a friend which he wants me to advertise on ebay so i will try and make some money today as he said he will give me a cut of the money,other than that its just a few house chores and maybe a walk around the park... later i will take a bath and watch a film... all in all so far so good

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 22 tues (8 jan 2008)

not much to report today apart from the fact that i awoke and thought to myself that im starting to feel worse than when i was on booze (not a good sign) the reason for this is that i knew when drinking that there would be a time during the day when i could have a few beers and just forget about how crap and unhappy i am with my life at the moment,booze took that away,also im always tired and i have no answer as to why im so tired maybe its because im more active.... im not sure...

the main thing is im still sober

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 23 weds (9 jan 2008)

not much to report today ,still sober and feeling ok...
watched a few videos last night about the benefits of juicing, so last night i dusted off my juicer and friday i will pop to my local store and buy up lots of fruit and vegtables and start to make some smoothies as they are now known,my diet is healthy but theres alot of veggies i dont eat that will probably taste better when mixed in liquid form,im still doing my stretches in the morning so im starting to get more supple... i was even considering a ten day cleanse but i figure that i should battle my booze problem before trying anything really drastic

have a good day

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

ok its 8.45 pm wednesday...... 
i said i would report everything honestly so im posting to report that im having a beer,ive had about 2 sips and i dont really feel guilty,if i was drinking because i was in a bad place then i would feel guilty but im having a drink while feeling ok about things in general.... also im testing the waters to see if i am capable of enjoying a few drinks without it turning into a bender..... if i do go on a bender i will report as per usual so maybe i can look back and see exactly what the pattern is ...

on another note i brought some apples/carrots and celery sticks today and mashed them all up in my juicer,im going to try and make a habit of this unless i get piss**d off with the half hour spent washing up the juicer afterwards

its maybe a shame that i cannot now call myself sober but like i said i really am testing the waters to see if i am indeed now capable of being a social drinker ... i might report back later.... whatever happens im finding this very cathartic so i will continue to keep this going,and still report on my drinking habits and things in general

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

right,3 beers in (thats slow for me) and i can only document honestly... im feeling really good ... but anyway ive tried to pick a tune to describe my thoughts and feelings.... here goes


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

10th january thurs 2008

no point in marking out the days anymore but im going to still use this thread to get things out in the open...

last night i ended up drinking 5 cans of beer which equals 4 pints,by my standards this is very good.... the plus points were that i had a wonderful nights sleep,the minus points are that im feeling a little bit anxious and slightly more dped,but ive had a wash and eaten some fruit for breakfast ... i was thinking about the trigger yesterday and then it suddenly hit me

yesterday i was around a friends house and another mate popped in his car is a two door and he needed to go over to the other side of town to pick up a car part so i sat in the back which meant i had no easy access to get out and my claustrophobia kicked in but i couldnt dare show my friends i was freaking out ,so for an hour i was boxed in with my mind going ten to the dozen ...

will i drink today ? yes probably ,i could lie but i wont but as soon as i feel its going mental again i will pull back

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

11th january 2008

yesterday i had a few beers then decided to go to my local pub... the first thing i noticed was this array of friends that i havnt seen for 3 weeks....
there was a trigger yesterday, a man from the council visited me to check to see if my benefits had gone up,then he realised that they had indeed gone up ,so im sitting there with bailiffs letters surrounding me and hes here to take away the extra 5 pound a week that i get.... 
and what do i do ? yes f**k it im goin gout to get wasted ...

i woke up with clothing all over the floor and an empty bag of sweets which i dont remember buying...

so its friday and i cant be bothered to do anything apart from drink beer... for anyone that is reading this and in a comfortable family surrounding it might sound like im weak willed but believe me when you are on your own and every day is red letter day the term 'life is tough' really does meen something

and drinking isnt the easy way out,sometimes its the only way out


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

saturday 12 jan 2008

im feeling pretty rotten so im drinking a few cans of beer to hopefully make me feel normal again.... not doing so good at the moment but as i keep telling myself .... its not the end of the world

so for future reference why am i drinking today ? because if i dont i will feel like crap

its a double edged sword


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Some suggestions

Make a list of all the things you hate or fear:
Bailiffs, bills, council tax....boredom, loneliness, shame, small spaces.
And how to deal with them positively

Example 1

1) Accept negative emotion as understandable in the circumstances.

"it is understandable I am afraid of bailiffs and I completely accept this fear within myself"

2) Self-forgiveness

"I completely forgive myself for being afraid of people taking my possessions".

3) Action plan for worst case scenario - if the worst came to the worst

"If I end up with nothing at least X would let me live at their house for a while".

Example 2

It's understandable that I don't want to feel bad today and that I try to solve this with drink. I accept feelings of negativity as a sign that something is wrong.
I completely forgive myself for avoiding negative feelings with drink
If the worst comes to the worst I will ask X to come round and remove the drink and tell them about my cravings.

Example 3

I completely understand why I am fed up of red-letter days. I accept that this is the way things work.
I forgive myself that I continue to judge myself over this.
If the worst comes to the worst I'll declare myself bank-rupt and start afresh.

Example 4
I completely understand why I want to go down the pub to see my friends. I accept that I need to see people.
I forgive myself that I feel dependant for friendship with people who are not going to help me to heal. 
In the worst case scenario I will go to "substitute name". At least I can meet people there who do not depend on alcohol.

Example 5
I completely accept my problems with anxiety in small places.
I accept I have a problem with axiety which is very limiting.
I forgive myself that I didn't ask to get out of the car
In the worst case scenario, if this happens again, I will ask to be excused and remove myself from the small space I find myself in - I can trust myself to do that.

In addiction, the relationship with self is destroyed. I know because I've been there. I didn't have a way of dealing with it at the time, but have recently found techniques to deal with other anxieties and bad habits.

I hope this helps. These aren't empty words. They are ways of helping you to see things differently and stop being a victim of everything, including your own negative emotions about life which you are constantly rejecting and ignoring, and covering up with drink.

Emotions need to be responded to, not neglected.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

sunday 13 jan 2008

thanks rozanne very good advice :wink:

ive been getting a wonderful nights sleep lately,i didnt really get out of bed until 1pm......... my phone is now switched off after an argument with my mum last night where she tryed the guilt trip on me telling me how shes feeling since my dad died ... not once asking me how i feel so i put the phone down on her... im not finding excuses to drink because if i want to drink then i dont need an excuse,but sure theres alot of factors which make me want to just shut the world out. sometimes im strong but other times i just get worn out by it all and stick 2 fingers up...

i think i will make another entry when im actually cleaned up again,im not wallowing in self pity in a drunken mess so i do maintain a sense of reasoning but its tough

jc


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

It sounds really rough JC but you know you can do it. I think its a good thing you aren't beating yourself up too much for slipping. Good luck man!


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

thankyou cecil

im trying my best thats all i can do but writing a log here is helping... its 5 pm ive cleaned the flat made dinner for later and just said goodbye to a friend ... i have just cracked open a beer so im not out of the woods yet but its getting later in the day before i start ....

my online AA friend has told me that i shouldnt beat myself up because i am making an effort i made 3 weeks sober so once im clean i at least have a note of what i need to beat... being at home drinking a few beers isnt the damaging factor its when i hit the pubs that it all gets a bit messy.....

jc


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

I agree with your AA friend, you are doing something really hard and you've made a lot of progress. Beating yourself up won't help at all. Keep it up


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

(NOTE TO SELF.... RELAPSED WHAT HAVE I LEARNT)

okey dokey .... make it 1 month and beyond

thurs 17th jan 2008 (day 1)

back on track ! 
i know some might think that marking out the days is maybe wrong but for me to stay sober i need a figure to beat and i think that figure was 23 days (i will check later) i relapsed pure and simple but why ? thats the good thing about these posts for me i can find a pattern and im not going to go all jung or freud im going to spill it how i feel it happens,i fell off the wagon last wednesday and took my last drink yesterday at around 2pm so thats basically a week,what i did do in my defence wheras before i would be drinking 16 cans a day i kept that figure as low as i could so most days i was drinking about 8 cans...

why did i do it ?
i wanted to feel good

did i feel good ?
yes for the first night

why did i carry on drinking ?
to top up to the point where anxiety and depression lifted again

how did i stop ?
by gradually decreasing the amout i drank so i didnt feel anxious and depressed

is it worth it ?
for one night only then the vicous cycle begins

that is the pattern and the worst part of it is the waking part where i would literally will myself to sleep so i could dissapear from the real dark depressive feelings in the morning

during the topping up days i really am in the depths of some depressive feelings and just cant make my way through the day without taking a drink... im so sad i didnt make it to a month but im happy that im making an effort to get sober ..

today ive a few jobs to do so im going to go out and get some fresh air nd buy some fruit and veg so i can make a juice drink and get some vitamins inside of me

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 2

friday 18 jan 2008

sleeping patterns seem to be returning to the norm(if you call insomnia normal) , didnt get to sleep until 5am and awoke at 8am the difference being that i didnt sit in bed allday i got up and had some breakfast and coffee.... i feel so much better when i dont have to battle with my depression,instead i battle with the tiredness but this isnt nearly as bad....

so far ive phoned the dentist as ive a missing filling that has left me in pain for about 2 months but i just havnt had the money to pay for it,later i will go and buy some fruit and vegtables so i can juice up some healthy drinks,also someone replied to an add i put on a website for an old 50's gramaphone and records im selling so i need to get some good pictures taken later to send to the lady who lives locally ..

i have my birthday on the 24th of january so i need to visit the mansion house that sits on a big hill at my local park and book a table... most people relapse on special occasions but this is never a problem for me because it only seems to ruin the day,i did have a few drinks on christmas day but i left it late in the day so i wouldnt go on an allday bender

ok a fresh start day 2 and im feeling possitive albeit extremely tired


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

day 3 saturday jan 19 2008

still sober ,had a late night again got to sleep at around 5 am and awoke at about 9 am ...
ive been to buy a paper and a few low cal choc bars,also ive ordered a blender as my juicer is too much hassle to clean and put together so i figured its going to be easier to put all the veggies and fruit into a blender ,also this should help me reduce my diet coke intake...
been to see my work buddy and he wants to sell his lorry on ebay so im going to take a picture later and get that advertised although he seems to have stopped his habit of giving me a little money for taking the time and effort to get these items sold ... why do people suddenly get greedy ? still i will let him know sooner or later

im going to spend a little tme on the pc and then maybe spend later watching a film... the weather is terrible as per usual and in all honesty i could do with a break but having no money makes this difficult 

jc


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

ok tues 22 jan 2008

saturday(my last entry) i had a phonecall from a friend who was djing in town,i had spent most of my day whinning and moaning on a website forum so what did i do ? yep i went in town and had a great night ! and i drank .... im still going to make entries in this log as i have made no promises to stay completely sober but it is helping me to see in print my actual drink/alcohol intake

and i am pleased to say that i really am cutting down,remembering that i couldnt even put 2 days of sobriety together before..

so saturday i went out , sunday i decided i was going to catch up on my sleep so i stayed in bed until about 5.30pm had some food a coffee and went to sleep at a reasonable time .... monday i had a few beers in the fridge so i left it until later in the day and drank about 4 cans and then just went onto diet coke as i wasnt in the mood for anymore beer....
today i went shopping for fruit

for anyone that likes smoothies and has a blender try this

1 banana
2 kiwi fruits
a handful of grapes
a few slices of cucumber
a glass of pure orange juice
a glass of diet lemonade

then mix............. this drink was absolutely adorable

ive been around a friends house most of the day and ive just cooked fish (without batter) sweetcorn and peas

what i am learning is that i dont 'have' to drink everyday,but weekends still remain a problem area


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

I'm so glad for you that you've found a nice non-alcoholic drink! Get it down ya neck boy.


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