# Blank Mind, Emotionless Heart



## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

I guess it's been somewhere around 7 months since I first made the diagnosis that I had DP. I searched on google for terms like "stuck on autopilot", "emotionless", and "lack of personality". I eventually came to the conclusion that I have depersonalization. Like it is for many of you, everyday is a struggle. Just waking up to another day of extrememe DP makes one extremely worn down. I can deal with the out of body feelings. But what I can't deal with is the blank mind. It's pure torture. I do not have a thought process which makes reading, writing, and speaking extremely difficult tasks. When reading a page in a book I tend to forget what I read as soon as I reach the end of the page. I make no actual connection to the text nor do I think or reflect between paragraphs or chapters. It's not because I don't want to, but because I physically can't. I can read fifty pages in a book and struggle to give you two sentences for what it's about. It's the same thing with watching a movie or television show. I don't think about dialouge or characters or plot. I simply watch the tv or film with no reflection or disection. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just incredibly stupid, like one of the dumbest people in the world. I have no goals, dreams, or passions in this life.

The few times that I open my mouth daily I really only say three things. "Yes", "Ok", and "I know". I don't understand how people string together sentence after sentence when I have trouble simply saying one sentence at a time. There simply is no thought process. None. I struggle to put together two direct sentences in my head at a time. I'm so far removed from my family at this point and I know I'm not coming back. My mom has put her heart and soul into trying to help me, but I just can't seem to be helped. She'll talk to me for twenty minutes at a time and I won't remember a word of the conversation because my memory is so bad. It's like nothing registers in my head. There's no back and forth. I feel like I'm a newborn in the body of an 18 year old teenager.

When I go out with my friends, I don't talk anymore. I just sit in the corner, lost in the nothingness that exists inside my mind. I have no idea how I'm going to complete college. Last semester I ended up withdrawing because I was going to fail all my classes. Even if I somehow complete college, a real job isn't even an option. My social anxiety has taken everything away from me. I work at a job, but don't talk at all. I have yet to speak first at the job this year. It's simply humiliating.

I also always having a numbing sensation in my front area of my head. It's like my brain is trying to tell me to think or something. I just feel like I've lost my soul. At 18, it's a terrible feeling to know that the future is as bleak as the present or that there really is no real future. In addition to having lost my ability to create new memories, I've lost all sense of the present moment. Time feels suspended.

I want to have hope, but I struggle to find hope. I'm trapped in my own mind and nothing is going on there. It's dead silent. I don't expect many responses, but I just wanted to put my experience into words.


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## MatrixGravity (Nov 4, 2009)

Ok if you want results, then go to my thread, and download the program.

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28154-free-harris-harrington-videos/

Watch the video's, and you should get better.


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## Soul Seeker (Jun 6, 2011)

I understand how it feels. Remember that you aren't alone, it isn't permanent, and you have the ability to cure yourself. Check out these forums for cure stories, and check out the Harris Harrington recovery program, it's really good.


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## Guest (Jul 8, 2011)

I have had the blank mind symptom as long as I've had DP/DR, too. You put it into words very well. Thanks for that, and welcome to the forum.


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## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

the blank mind symptom is horrible. its getting worse for me. i dont understand sentencs and concepts. people may as well not even talk to me because i wont be able to comprehend it.. this symptoms has got me suicidal. and theres nothing you can do about it.


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## jakethelittle (Jul 10, 2010)

You hit the nail on the head for the situation I happen to be in. Not being able to connect to anything on any emotional level, past, present, future is really shitty. For me it's my mind constantly reminding me that moments are fleeting, that your just going to die, all this negative shit. I think it's a PTSD thing personally, an acumulation of bad things getting in the way of my personal happiness making me think that if I enjoy myself, something bad will happen. Ugh... Hopefully it will pass. It has to, it's no way to live life.


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## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

I came to the groundbreaking epiphany while I was at college that I never thought for myself. I smoked weed one night and BOOM it just hit me. Which made me realize that I've had the blank mind my entire life and didn't know about it. How I didn't know is beyond me. It's just so sad to know that there is nothing that can be done and no hope at such a young age. It's impossible to find happiness in life when its dead silent in your mind. I can deal with emotional numbness. I could fake it all my life, but I can't deal with being so absolutely stupid. I can only imagine how smart and competent of a life I would have lived if I hadn't had this problem. I can't marry because I can't meet a person to talk to. I can't have children. And I can't have a normal job. All the beautiful things of life have been robbed from me at such a young age. And most importantly I can't fall in love. I came to the realization that I was never in love with the girl with whom I spent three years of my life with. Not because I didn't find her attractive, but because my blank mind wouldn't let me. You fall in love with someone when your away from there. Thinking about them and hypnotizing yourself with loving thoughts of them. It never happened for me and yet I was able to hold down a three year relationship with her despite having a blank mind. She fell in love with me and I just never did with her. I don't know a single thing about her because I can't. Life is depressing.


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

Walkingzombie, you're not stupid, it is just the DP making you feel that way.


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## neta (May 18, 2011)

Walkingzombie said:


> I came to the groundbreaking epiphany while I was at college that I never thought for myself. I smoked weed one night and BOOM it just hit me. Which made me realize that I've had the blank mind my entire life and didn't know about it. How I didn't know is beyond me. It's just so sad to know that there is nothing that can be done and no hope at such a young age. It's impossible to find happiness in life when its dead silent in your mind. I can deal with emotional numbness. I could fake it all my life, but I can't deal with being so absolutely stupid. I can only imagine how smart and competent of a life I would have lived if I hadn't had this problem. I can't marry because I can't meet a person to talk to. I can't have children. And I can't have a normal job. All the beautiful things of life have been robbed from me at such a young age. And most importantly I can't fall in love. I came to the realization that I was never in love with the girl with whom I spent three years of my life with. Not because I didn't find her attractive, but because my blank mind wouldn't let me. You fall in love with someone when your away from there. Thinking about them and hypnotizing yourself with loving thoughts of them. It never happened for me and yet I was able to hold down a three year relationship with her despite having a blank mind. She fell in love with me and I just never did with her. I don't know a single thing about her because I can't. Life is depressing.


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## neta (May 18, 2011)

Walkingzombie said:


> I came to the groundbreaking epiphany while I was at college that I never thought for myself. I smoked weed one night and BOOM it just hit me. Which made me realize that I've had the blank mind my entire life and didn't know about it. How I didn't know is beyond me. It's just so sad to know that there is nothing that can be done and no hope at such a young age. It's impossible to find happiness in life when its dead silent in your mind. I can deal with emotional numbness. I could fake it all my life, but I can't deal with being so absolutely stupid. I can only imagine how smart and competent of a life I would have lived if I hadn't had this problem. I can't marry because I can't meet a person to talk to. I can't have children. And I can't have a normal job. All the beautiful things of life have been robbed from me at such a young age. And most importantly I can't fall in love. I came to the realization that I was never in love with the girl with whom I spent three years of my life with. Not because I didn't find her attractive, but because my blank mind wouldn't let me. You fall in love with someone when your away from there. Thinking about them and hypnotizing yourself with loving thoughts of them. It never happened for me and yet I was able to hold down a three year relationship with her despite having a blank mind. She fell in love with me and I just never did with her. I don't know a single thing about her because I can't. Life is depressing.


yoy came to think you hade dp all your life, can you explain sinc when you have dp?


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## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

neta said:


> yoy came to think you hade dp all your life, can you explain sinc when you have dp?


Yes, I came to the conclusion that I've had DP my entire life and didn't know it. There's no other explanation for my brain being so silent all the time. I completely adapted my personality to that of my ex-girlfriend and when she left me I had nothing to go with. I know nothing about myself, nothing about my family, and nothing about my friends. It's clearly not a choice. I just don't have the mental capacity to formulate thoughts like 99.999% percent of the population. And I've never had it my entire life. I would have figured out eventually, but the epiphany I came to at college was a huge slap in the face. It's one thing to know, but it's another thing to know and not be able to change. It has to be the worst symptom associated with dp.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

Walkingzombie said:


> Yes, I came to the conclusion that I've had DP my entire life and didn't know it. There's no other explanation for my brain being so silent all the time. I* completely adapted my personality to that of my ex-girlfriend and when she left me I had nothing to go with.* I know nothing about myself, nothing about my family, and nothing about my friends. It's clearly not a choice. I just don't have the mental capacity to formulate thoughts like 99.999% percent of the population. And I've never had it my entire life. I would have figured out eventually, but the epiphany I came to at college was a huge slap in the face. It's one thing to know, but it's another thing to know and not be able to change. It has to be the worst symptom associated with dp.


That sounds like enmeshment

Are you sure you've had it your entire life? Could it not have been triggered at some point in your childhood, and you just can't remember any different?

It is possible to change, I had DP for almost my entire life, and I did it. Don't lose hope!


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

Walkingzombie said:


> I came to the groundbreaking epiphany while I was at college that I never thought for myself. I smoked weed one night and BOOM it just hit me. Which made me realize that I've had the blank mind my entire life and didn't know about it. How I didn't know is beyond me. It's just so sad to know that there is nothing that can be done and no hope at such a young age. It's impossible to find happiness in life when its dead silent in your mind. I can deal with emotional numbness. I could fake it all my life, but I can't deal with being so absolutely stupid. I can only imagine how smart and competent of a life I would have lived if I hadn't had this problem. I can't marry because I can't meet a person to talk to. I can't have children. And I can't have a normal job. All the beautiful things of life have been robbed from me at such a young age. And most importantly I can't fall in love. I came to the realization that I was never in love with the girl with whom I spent three years of my life with. Not because I didn't find her attractive, but because my blank mind wouldn't let me. You fall in love with someone when your away from there. Thinking about them and hypnotizing yourself with loving thoughts of them. It never happened for me and yet I was able to hold down a three year relationship with her despite having a blank mind. She fell in love with me and I just never did with her. I don't know a single thing about her because I can't. Life is depressing.


Have you ever stopped to think that your difficulties might exist because you are too intelligent rather than too stupid? Maybe not interpersonally intelligent but definitely _intra_personally. From my own experience, I find that these two types of intelligence negatively correlate, that is, the more you know about yourself the less you know about how other people think and vice-versa. It's a weird phenomenon b/c I too feel like one of the dumbest people on earth, like when someone tries to engage me in conversation I always rely on a few safety phrases ("cool", "alright", "sounds like it"), I parrot what they say, or I try to speak off the cuff, which usually leads to me saying something completely out of touch with the social moment. But, at other times, like when I'm given an assignment that entails considerable self-analysis or engage in a deep, surreally intimate conversation with someone, I am usually quite verbally effective and psychologically astute.

However, the majority of the time, in everyday social situations, I find my mind is so consumed by itself that I don't even recognize myself as an object of other people's consciousness. I don't know if it's because I can't, like I just don't possess the physical capacity that would allow me to adopt another person's frame of mind, or if I won't, perhaps because of some fear of letting another person determine who I am. Whatever the case, having this as my natural mental orientation towards life puts me at a huge disadvantage because it leaves nothing inside me that can be related to another person and eliminates any connection I could have with what happens around me. There are no reassuring precedents to draw from, no patterns of conditioning to mindlessly follow. Everything is created from scratch, on the spot, like having to go on stage before I had the chance to memorize my lines. I hate it. What makes it all the worse is that I remember there was a time I used to be different, a time where there were discernable rules I could follow and I seemed to always know the right thing to say. But then I turned my back on other people, their expectations, their judgments and decided to think solely on my own accord. Was this a mistake? I still haven't figured out whether this was outright foolish or precociously wise. Perhaps it would've been wise if other people were doing the same thing and we were all coming together in a culture that promoted free thinking, esotericism, and intellectual exploration. However, the culture, as it is, stifles the individual's desire to question, probe, and test the ideological framework in which (s)he resides. There is neither opportunity nor incentive to do so.

But whatever, I'm getting away from the point, which is that you're not stupid or damaged, just too intelligent for your own good. You're going have to work hard to create and sustain bridges between you and other people. For me, these bridges are often unstable, constantly threatening collapse, but they're there and I force myself to cross them so I can let other people know I still exist, albeit at a level removed from where they're at. Not going to lie, it's a bitch, but this is the only life we have, so we might as well do whatever is in our power to try and get it right.


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## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> Have you ever stopped to think that your difficulties might exist because you are too intelligent rather than too stupid? Maybe not interpersonally intelligent but definitely _intra_personally. From my own experience, I find that these two types of intelligence negatively correlate, that is, the more you know about yourself the less you know about how other people think and vice-versa. It's a weird phenomenon b/c I too feel like one of the dumbest people on earth, like when someone tries to engage me in conversation I always rely on a few safety phrases ("cool", "alright", "sounds like it"), I parrot what they say, or I try to speak off the cuff, which usually leads to me saying something completely out of touch with the social moment. But, at other times, like when I'm given an assignment that entails considerable self-analysis or engage in a deep, surreally intimate conversation with someone, I am usually quite verbally effective and psychologically astute.
> 
> However, the majority of the time, in everyday social situations, I find my mind is so consumed by itself that I don't even recognize myself as an object of other people's consciousness. I don't know if it's because I can't, like I just don't possess the physical capacity that would allow me to adopt another person's frame of mind, or if I won't, perhaps because of some fear of letting another person determine who I am. Whatever the case, having this as my natural mental orientation towards life puts me at a huge disadvantage because it leaves nothing inside me that can be related to another person and eliminates any connection I could have with what happens around me. There are no reassuring precedents to draw from, no patterns of conditioning to mindlessly follow. Everything is created from scratch, on the spot, like having to go on stage before I had the chance to memorize my lines. I hate it. What makes it all the worse is that I remember there was a time I used to be different, a time where there were discernable rules I could follow and I seemed to always know the right thing to say. But then I turned my back on other people, their expectations, their judgments and decided to think solely on my own accord. Was this a mistake? I still haven't figured out whether this was outright foolish or precociously wise. Perhaps it would've been wise if other people were doing the same thing and we were all coming together in a culture that promoted free thinking, esotericism, and intellectual exploration. However, the culture, as it is, stifles the individual's desire to question, probe, and test the ideological framework in which (s)he resides. There is neither opportunity nor incentive to do so.
> 
> But whatever, I'm getting away from the point, which is that you're not stupid or damaged, just too intelligent for your own good. You're going have to work hard to create and sustain bridges between you and other people. For me, these bridges are often unstable, constantly threatening collapse, but they're there and I force myself to cross them so I can let other people know I still exist, albeit at a level removed from where they're at. Not going to lie, it's a bitch, but this is the only life we have, so we might as well do whatever is in our power to try and get it right.


Sometimes I think I have to be extremely intelligent to know so little about myself, my family, my friends and so forth. So smart that I'm actually extremely dumb. I don't know much about anything, but I know that I've had this blank mind sensation my entire life and that I will continue to have it for the rest of my life. It's extremely debilitating and really just extremely sad. Like I said in a previous post, If my depersonalization was just the out of body experiences or feeling of autopilot I could manage. Existential thinking would even be a great symptom at this point. I just want to feel. To know love. To have a conversation with a person and connect with them at higher level. To feel another person's emotions. But these are all wishes that I know will never be fulfilled due to the ever present silence that occupies my mind.


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## lil P nut (May 7, 2011)

Dude, they symptoms you have are very similar to mine. I hate that pressure on the forehead feeling. Basically though, you are sort of in another state of conciousness. You don't have thoughts because your brain is misfiring, or short circuiting and you feel to be outside of your thought process. You still do think it's just you are disconnected from your thinking. Look at the big explanations your just wrote about your symptoms. Now although you may not have been aware of your thinking, your mind obviously thought about all that stuff and you put those thoughts into words on the screen. Your 18 years old dude, I'm 22, we can recover from this. You really should look at the Harris Harrington stuff, maybe get a therapist, try to process some of your past. Learn about your family history. You probably got a style of thinking that was not healthy leading you into this state. Once you learn healthy thinking and process past emotions your mind will come back and your reality will feel completely new again. I've had moments of this repersonalization and the state you are in is just a defense mechanism. Keep learning about yoursef, you have all the time in the world to recover. Keep searching!!


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## Guest (Jul 20, 2011)

IMO the biggest misunderstanding about DP is that people think they're empty, when they're really full.

the fact that so many people coming from dysfunctional families, childhood trauma, abuse here is not a coincidence.


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## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm able to process words on a screen and even type occasionally, but there's no other thought that goes into it. And the thing is I came to the conclusion that I was born with this. I've always had a silence in my head but was able to somehow ignore or avoid it. Now I've come to a point in my life, college, where I need independent thought and I have none. It's so difficult just to write two sentences on a topic. There simply is no thought in between. None. And there never was which makes me fear that if this is something I've always had then it is something that I will continue to have for the rest of my life. I can't imagine living without a thought process or inner monologue for the rest of my life.


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