# My Recovery and fall from grace



## Jason79 (Nov 13, 2013)

My recovery story

I smoked pot for quite a few years, but never got dissociation from it, except for some brain fog. It wasn't until my faithful meeting with LSD, that I got Derealization. It was a combination of HPPD and DR. I'd wake up every morning and check if it was still there, and of course it was.

It was naturally combined with very high levels of anxiety. Sometimes as much as 5 minutes outside was enough to make feel like I was going to collapse and to run inside and curl up in bed. Curled up like an embrio was the only refuge I found.

I tried to deal with it and kept living my life the best I could, but it was pure pain. When shadows were still jumping on the walls (HPPD symptom) 8 months later, I sought professional help. This is back in 2000, so I had no clue about what was going on. Neither did the psychiatrist in a small town where I lived. As you well know, it was very hard to describe to her what I was feeling. She prescribed Zoloft and an antipsychotic. The antipsychotic was like chemical torture, I only took it twice. Zoloft did nothing.

I went back to see the psych and this time got a fairly high dose of Fluoxetine, which started working well in about two months. I consider myself lucky, because in about 4 months I was 80% recovered.

5 months after starting Fuoxetine, I started full time studies in Circus Arts. It was a dream come true, gave me structure, kept me very busy and most of all brought me completely to my body.

Two years later I moved abroad to continue with my training and study another language. DR still kept popping up occasionally, in public spaces with a lot of people, under stress or when fatigued. My symptoms were almost pure DR, so they usually went away when I was back home in safety. Sometimes I'd get some DP symptoms when training acrobatics for example, which is a bizarre experience. Imagine not being fully in your body when doing something that requires a lot of co-ordination and control of your body.

I eventually started performing professionally and had a couple of relapses, which usually were resolved by either changing medication or dosage.

I'd been 80-90% symptom free until 2008, when I started Venlafaxine and made some life-style changes. I reduced my workload and stress and escaped to South-America every winter. With this combination I considered myself cured. Between 2000-2013 I realised almost all of my dreams, including learning 3 languages, travelling extensively, making a living as a professional performer and learning to surf : )

I was cured to the point that I even smoked weed a couple of times and once took MDMA. Stupid, I know, but that's how confident I felt and I didn't experience a relapse.

I wish this story had a happy ending, but it doesn't, at least not yet. I recently had a very bad reaction to medication and fell to a deeper, blacker depression I had ever imagined possible. I also developed pretty intense DP this time round, which for me is far more disturbing than DR. Maybe it's just my challenge and lesson in this life. The good thing is, that during this relapse I've decided that I need to educate people about this condition and especially about the link between drug use and mental health. I'm hoping to start going to schools to give talks etc.

The drug education in my youth involved some old addict telling us how our livers would get screwed if we did heroin. There was very little talk about the profound and often debilitating effects that drugs can have on one's mind.

It's bitter this time round, but I recovered once and with hard work and hopefully a little assistance from some higher powers as well, I will recover again.


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