# Is this still dp?



## XBrave (Oct 28, 2016)

So i forgot about my first bout of dp after almost 1 year. (Mariuana induced)

I was funciotning normally (worked, graduated from university) Then i started smoking again (fuckin stupid that i am) and after 6 months i started getting panicky highs and DP fuckin hit me again.

[Now this is not even comparable to what it used to be.
Please help me get some clarity on this.]

The previous time i had dp it was full blown with all the COMMON symptoms.
When i looked into the mirror i saw a stranger (HUMAN) which slowly faded and i delved back into a kind of person again and started knowing myself a bit after a year or so.

Now after this second shock (after exatcly 1 month) as i have obssesed about so many things,

When i look in the mirror i see a strange CREATURE.
I don't feel like a human anymore. I didn't recognize myself when i was first confronted with dp Now i'm afraid of what i am.
I used to ask who i am back then. And it went away. Now i'm asking What the fuck i am?
Just an awareness in a strange body that looks like those of animals and insects. ( sometimes i get scared of my body parts comparing them with those of insects and animals and that feels weird and scarry)
And these thoughts scare me to death. But when i'm not focused on those perspectives about my body, other fears cripple me.

It feels like i MAY deeply believe that i don't deserve to be a human. Or something like that.

This fuckin scares me.
And the fact that with this second bout of dp, it just doesn't feel like a dream. It feels like a dream in which i am drunk or high in it. Super super dreamy. I'm so distant and detached that view humans as a total outsider. Like i'm a zombie/alien or something. I have lost THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION with people and with myself totally. That makes me depressed because i think how can another creature that looks scarry to me sometimes, help me get back into my body and reality again. (I can't feel safe around anyone)

I can get afraid of anything. Like my family, colors, patterns, sounds, people, animals, fonts
Anything can scare the fuck outta me when i automatically let it to. It feels like i don't have anything to rely on (totally floating in a ocean) as a personality or past (i'm not connected to my past at all)

I'm a highly creative person (painter, music producer, peot, ...) and my creativity is now the worst enemy of me.

Sometimes i get scared of people who are talking to me because i'm so detached and they may appear bigger or smaller as i can't focus on them like before.

I want my previous level of DP back. This is unbearable. I'm stuck in my bed freakin about my body parts)

I don't see or hear any hallucinations or delusions BUT 100% detached from Emotional Human Experience. I'm afraid i might lose it completely.
I don't have speech problems so far but sometimes my voice scares me and i just pause my speaking.

It feels like fear and sadness are my only active emotions right now.

I can't meditate anymore because when i focus on my body i compare it to a body of a cockroach (which i always had a fear/hatred of before dp) or some strange creature and it creeps me out.

The problem is that the world around is so scary and weird (i'm basically scared of myself how can i not be scared of the world outside?)

1_Is this the worse dp can get?

2_Or i'm going schizophrenic? (My psychology doc said it's dissociation not schizo)

3_have you experienced this much terror?

4_have you seen anyone on the forum having these types of fears?

I basically don't know if i'm highly scared overally and that is the root of my fears or that i'm fuckin going nuts? I have a fuckin weird perception right now. Like those of Tim Burton movies. A surreal fuckin dreamland.


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

Hey 
Yes its DP for sure and it's scary as even the second time around, it's strange how we forget how bad it can feel .

I fully relate to your symptoms mainly the not feeling human and no emotional connection to anything .
I look in the mirror and dont really see anything or anyone, were before I use to not recognize myself , now it's just a nothing , as if I'm a thing in the mirror.

I walk past people and interact with them yet I feel different from them , I'm not sure in what way but I'm not really human or something.

Family and friends I cannot feel that thing that told me they ment something to me ,that feeling of love is not there and really it's as if they mean nothing really

I act my feelings towards them all .

I feel trapped in my head like I'm just a head or something a nothing a lost thing floating though this life .

I've had DP dr since January 2015 chronic with transient DP dr over 18 years , everything it feels insane and I stress its gonna get worse and I'll fade completely away . But it hasn't thankfully 
I think symptoms can wax and wean but not get that bad we lose it.

If we think we feel strange and we know this is strange then we are not crazy , crazy people think everything's normal when its clearly not.


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## XBrave (Oct 28, 2016)

allison84 said:


> Hey
> Yes its DP for sure and it's scary as even the second time around, it's strange how we forget how bad it can feel .
> I fully relate to your symptoms mainly the not feeling human and no emotional connection to anything .
> I look in the mirror and dont really see anything or anyone, were before I use to not recognize myself , now it's just a nothing , as if I'm a thing in the mirror.
> ...


Thanks for replying. I guess it's the most dissociated i have ever felt. If i just get over these irrational fears, i see myself coming up in my actions. If i had developed a unshakable character before smoking too much weed, i could be able to get out of panic and go on with my life.


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

Yes me to this feels the most dissociated I've felt since it got chronic , it was terrible in the very start but this feels different and so much more uncomfortable. 
The blocked numbed feelings kills me it's so irritating to not feel deeply , it makes me feel not human or a object.

I hope you start to recover soon as do I.


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## XBrave (Oct 28, 2016)

Really hope so!


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## mar (May 26, 2017)

Hey! Im in the same sitaution. Second time with dp. Questioning WHAT I am. I also can get scared of literally anything. I don't what this is but I think it's dp and some kind of existential ocd.

1.imo this is the worst dp can get.

2. You're not going schizo. I've had these thoughts for 15 months and still haven't gone schizo.

3. Yes I have experienced that much terror.

4. Yes I've seen many people in this forum having these fears. You're definetely not alone. I've seen people recovering from it too.

Hope you feel better soon!!


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## bojito (Aug 17, 2017)

XBrave said:


> So i forgot about my first bout of dp after almost 1 year. (Mariuana induced)
> 
> I was funciotning normally (worked, graduated from university) Then i started smoking again (fuckin stupid that i am) and after 6 months i started getting panicky highs and DP fuckin hit me again.
> 
> ...


Hey there!

Let me start by saying I really understand your feeling and that my heart goes out to you.

Did you read Kafka's "The metamorphosis"? seems like you two share something in common.

There's many advices you can get about this situation. I will try to focus on what I think is the most useful:

1. First, don't identify yourself with your symptoms. If you had a flue or a stomach ache you would'nt have done so. Know that is it the same: symptoms of some illness that will go away eventually. It;s a temporary condition and it will go like it came. If you KNOW this it will ease the unbearable current situation.

2.I am an artist and highly creative person as well. I know that being deep in DP makes it sometimes very hard to create, but I think you have an incredible TOOL here that many others unfortunately dont have : Use art to connect to your fears and to use them as a substance for your creation .This is one of the most therapeutic powers I know. I was on the verge of death till I decided to make art of it. I'm not saying it will make things vanish, but it will at least give the current situation meaning, and as Nietzsche once said: If u have "what for" you can bare almost any "how".

3. DP is mostly caused by a severe amount of stress: try to reduce it as much as possible and create for yourself, as much as u can, a calm loving supporting environment to be in. Talk everything out.

4. Dont be afraid to confront your fears. This does'nt mean you have to meditate about them all day, but try to embrace them as part of your artistic phenomenon (and it is. if u look at it in the eyes of an observer from the outside). When you begin to work with it, rather than against it, you will find great relief, I assure you. It's not easy, and it's not a one way direction, I can say that I have moments where I succeed more and moments where I succeed less, and so will you probably, so it's important to be aware of this fluid nature of the sensations and to have compassion for your self and not give up when it gets too hard. It will pass. allow it to be meantime.

Wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart.

David


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