# Terrified mom, feelings of impending stroke/seizure



## mjackob (May 8, 2011)

Hi, this is my first day here and I am self-diagnosing myself based on the extensive articles I read on depersonalization/derealization, etc on Wikipedia. I am really curious if anyone can relate to the way I describe my feelings, however.

I'm sure a lot of you have a feeling that there is something physically wrong with your brain, but I am completely obsessed with the idea. I'll admit, I am a hypochondriac, and I might just be remembering all the symptoms I have looked up regarding stroke, seizure, brain tumors, etc, and attaching them to my episodes.

When my first dp/dr episode happened I was driving home from my parents about a month ago. I was in the car, at night, and I suddenly had this wave of absolutely horrifying uncomfortable-ness wash over me. I felt so tense in my shoulders, neck, all over. Everything looked distant, the music on my radio sounded distant, and my hands felt like they were no longer my own. What immediately came to mind was that I was about to have some kind of brain failure or something. I was so intensely scared I couldn't stop, I had to drive home as quick as possible and get to a "safe" area. The feelings didn't go away, and luckily I had a bottle of xanax leftover from months ago when I was suffering from some moderate anxiety. The Xanax worked pretty quickly and I can't even tell you how relieved I was.

Then for about three weeks after, I had the exact same thing every day at nearly the same time. I would sense it coming on, become incredibly uncomfortable, and take a Xanax as quickly as possible. Meanwhile I decided I needed to figure out how to stop this myself, I needed to get through one entirely on my own without medication. I decided to start tapering off the Xanax slowly and I stopped it completely about three days ago. I also started taking my BuSpar prescription again more than a week ago. I had an entire bottle of that left as well, which I had been on in October - November for anxiety, but had tapered off because I just don't like being on medication. I thought this might help, but so far I don't think it has really helped, but at the same time I can't say that I've had one of these depersonalization events every day in the last 10 days, more like 1 every 3 days or even less. So I guess it is helping. But the ones I have had in the last week and a half have been just as intense as the first one I had, and today's was excruciating.

I felt so good today, I've been exercising quite a bit more than usual, eating extremely healthy, and just generally trying to stay busy and stay positive. But then all of the sudden, out of nowhere, while watching SNL on Hulu, I start having a severe panic attack/dp/dr episode. I was shaking so hard, everything seemed fuzzy/weird, I can tell my eyes are just darting back and forth everywhere, my legs felt like they were 100lbs each, and I just started crying. I started walking around the house, walking outside, trying to shake it off, but nothing worked. I was so terrified that "this was it", I was going to die any second, so I just had to take another Xanax. I feel so depressed about it. I thought I might be on the road to recovery and here I am having another one just as bad as any.

I am a mom of twins, I am 25 years old, healthy, drug free (always have been, except for pot years ago), mostly alcohol-free, and with a clean bill of health. I haven't had an MRI and I am so terrified of getting one, I don't know how I would even survive waiting for the results. I would probably start hyperventilating and literally have a heart attack instead. My family is so sick of me, they don't understand this at all, they chalk it up to me being "crazy" or a hypochondriac and that I just need to act normal. That I have a smart enough mind that I should be able to over come this. But I can't. I am trying so hard and I can't.

I have my suspicions that the BuSpar or Xanax kind of altered my brain chemicals in some way, so that when I stopped taking them I was more prone to these types of episodes. I'm just not sure. I've also been having quite a few heart palpitations which are unusual for me. I just feel like this is completely ruining my life and affecting my kids. I'm so depressed I don't know what to do. I'm so scared of the next one to come on.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi. From one mom to another, you have to calm down and do as I tell you. It seems like you haven't got the full-blown thing yet, so just trust me when I say: It's anxiety, not anything else, and you have a great opportunity now to do something about it.

I have read EVERYTHING on the internet, so I can tell you right away that clinical descriptions of mental or other illnesses will do you NO GOOD.

Take this advice PLEASE.

*1) Stop believing you are ill, and stop searching for answers online or in books. It's your anxiety fooling you into this exhausting activity, be strong, you can beat the habit of self-reassuring (which will only leave you even more confused and scared).

2) Go to this site: http://www.panicfree.co.nz/
AND BUY THE PROGRAM
*
Trust me, it's the best investment you'll ever do. Have it on your i-pod, it will help you so much.

If you manage to do this, and trust a fellow sufferer, you will spare yourself of so much agony, do it for your kids ok?

Anne Y.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I know you're all thinking "but mine is worse, it's got to be something else, it has to be a lethal brain-disorder blah blah.." No, it's not. It's anxiety, with neurotic thoughts on top.

If this has helped me, it's going to help most of you if you just dare to believe.


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## mjackob (May 8, 2011)

york said:


> Hi. From one mom to another, you have to calm down and do as I tell you. It seems like you haven't got the full-blown thing yet, so just trust me when I say: It's anxiety, not anything else, and you have a great opportunity now to do something about it.
> 
> I have read EVERYTHING on the internet, so I can tell you right away that clinical descriptions of mental or other illnesses will do you NO GOOD.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, I am just crying now as I read your reply because I so desperately don't want this to be affecting my kids. They are my life and I just feel ruined and helpless right now. Thank you and I will watch the videos and look into this program.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

That is so good to hear, I really want you to get help, and not do as I did and try and cope until it's suddenly so much worse.
I have two boys myself (8 and 2 1/2) and it breaks my heart to feel like I'm not giving them everything I could have without anxiety. I know exactly how you feel now, that's why I want you to trust me, it is your fear doing this to you, creating the sensations, making you think fearful, horrible stuff. 
I wish you all the best, just try this program, and you'll have such a great foundation to build on on your journey forwards through this.

Anne


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