# Well on my way to full recovery



## Stuuu (Jan 22, 2016)

Hi everyone

Some older users may remember me as Stu

I have been fighting depersonalisation/derealisation since around October 2014, and was at its worse last year. I believe that the root cause of my dissociation was due to severe anxiety, I am a highly anxious person and have been pretty much since primary school. I also have aspergers syndrome. I will have to live with these two things probably for the rest of my life.

My case was always an interesting one, during my time on dpselfhelp I always felt like a "special snowflake" due to most people being perplexed by my situation. I always felt better seated or lying down. When I walked around, the derealisation was bad. I am not really too sure whether it was DP or DR, but they say DR is detachment from surroundings, and it felt like I couldnt connect with what I am seeing. Like I wasnt really moving, things weren't really going on, just feeling disconnected. Really hard to explain. But as fellow DP/DR sufferers, you would also know how hard it is to explain what it feels like.

I was medicated with fluoxetine during my teenage years (2010 until 2013), with no depersonalisation or derealisation. This was to treat general anxiety. I was happy then. I tried joining the army, but I had to have one full year with no medication before I could join. This year I began to stress about my health, thinking I would get declined for a second time due to some health reason (this was basically a form of hypochondria, but about me getting declined from the army rather than me dying). Despite developing dp probably triggered by this, I still went ahead and joined the army in February 2015, but I came down with a really bad stomach bug and was frankly anxious due to the dissociation, which they could sense and so I got discharged from the army due to anxiety and left campus at the beginning of March. I was later given a permanent discharge, meaning I can no longer apply for any military service. Around January, I also began seeing weird visual things, which developed into positive afterimages (when you look away from an object and see the same thing for a split second), trails (I move my hand over a dark background and see a ghostly blur behind it), static in the dark, rainbows around lights, negative afterimages etcetera. At the time I had no idea that the two could be related, however I see that a lot of people have also developed these visual things alongside DP/DR.

When I was home from the army, things went downhill from there. I had no job, I had no desire to work, I would sit at home OBSESSED about these visual things (google lead me to "Palinopsia and "visual snow") and obsessed about these weird dissociative feelings. I felt as though I was ruined for life. I know that many of you feel this way, too. Countless doctor trips came, opthalmologist visits including an MRI and various other tests that I knew nothing would be found, counselling.

I pretty much had no life during this period, no future, nothing. I would be on this site and the site's tinychat for most of the day, doing nothing. I tried distracting myself with video games and exercise, but there was still dissociation and afterimages etcetera. It was just a shitty period. I would also have huge outbursts with my parents (I am an only child and was living at home last year).

The psychiatrist eventually came to a combination of 2 mg risperidone (to treat the outbursts, and people with aspergers/autism respond well to it), 0.5 mg phenytoin (again, people with aspergers respond well to it. It is a highly low dosage and the medicine is usually used for epilepsy), and sertraline ( I can't remember the dosage, but I take one pill in the morning and one at night). The medicine didn't really help, and I gained weight either from the risperidone, or due to the fact I was drinking a lot of energy drinks and filling myself with crap food. I only put on around 10 kilos, but I'm generally a slim person so I went from about 65 to 75 kg (I was still growing though, getting broader. So it may not all be entirely lubber).

Around November I came to the point where I felt that I had to do something with my life, DESPITE all this shit. I couldnt just sit around waiting to get better. My choices were find work, or study. I chose to study, and applied for a Bachelor of Engineering hons degree, majoring in software engineering. This was a huge step for me, but probably the smartest thing I have done since getting DP.

This degree requires a huge workload, they expect around 40 hours per week from us. There is a lot to learn. I live in New Zealand so the first trimester starts late Feb/early march. I used the next few months to exercise, sleep well, however I have a confession, I stopped taking my meds. I wanted to see if the weight gain was caused by the medication, and lack of libido. Regardless I just tried my best to focus on being a better person. I also deactivated my account, and since then I never looked back (until now). University came around, and from there I've been too busy to even think about DP or the visuals. I almost forget I had it in the first place.

Now coming to the conclusion of my first trimester, I can say that I am 80 to 90 % of the way recovered. I still see the visual stuff, but it does not bother me anyway near as much as it once did. I do believe that obsessing about it makes it amplified - I can even feel the dissociation now as I type this, given I am thinking about it. I am now more concerned about getting the B average I need to pass first year, than I am about why I sometimes feel disconnected. The amount of times I feel dissociated is far less than it was last year. I may experience it once or twice for a few minutes per day.

In terms of how I would recommend getting better, I know that each individual is different. But I think the key thing is, keep busy. Keep as busy as you can. Live as if you don't have it. Don't be afraid to go out there, socialise, try new things. I'm not going to recommend cutting stimulants (caffeine, alcohol), I don't believe that's the issue here. But if you are going to try and focus on becoming a new, healthy you, feel free to cut these stimulants if you wish. Get some exercise in, but don't over do it. Medication - that is up to you. I don't think it made a difference for my dissociation, but it did get me to have less outbursts and feel less anxious. So that is up to you. Counselling may also help, but at the end of the day, it is going to be entirely up to you if you want to get better.

Getting better will not happen overnight. The key thing for me was, I didn't think I was going to get better. I chose to live life DESPITE it, and that is the key thing. It's like a chinese fingertrap, you just have to relax and not think about it, not force yourself to get better. Also, get away from this site. It just adds to the obsessive thoughts about DP/DR. You will feel so much better from walking away from this site and not looking back.

Many thanks to those members who have helped support me during my time here, particularly to Apoplexy.

I would also recommend watching this video:






Feel free to ask me any questions if you wish


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## Alan (Jan 26, 2015)

Well done Stu. Glad to hear you're doing better.

It always pleases me to read threads such as this one


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## ToTo (Oct 6, 2015)

Welcome back stu. I wanna ask you a question. Do you have physical symptoms before getting better or even now? For instance, fatigue, headaches, dizziness, clogged ears, face pain especially in the sinuses area, stiff neck and muscles in general, etc. The reason I'm asking because I wanna see if the meds helped with those physical symptoms. Meaning that they're psychosomatic and dp manifests itself in a physical form too.


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