# Need help... defining my condition, and something else..



## Luc (Jul 18, 2007)

Hi. I found this forum just a little while ago and i guess i felt a little hopeful. I'm here for 2 things. Firstly, a definition of what's really going on with me. Wether this is depersonalization or something else. The second is that I really need some help with my current situation, ill explain that in the second part.

This is all very serious, and I don't know what to expect from it, but please just be patient and don't give me random flaming or responding with assumptions, if you're serious about it also and have a question, please ask before making an assumption.

Ok, so I guess to start with, I'm currently 21 years old. But lets start with where it all began.

When it really began has always been controversial. As a very young child, My parents said I was always very outgoing, playful, and energetic. Looking back, I can kind of see that, but also thinking back I remember alot of times where that just wasn't the case. I didn't have very many friends when i was a child, but that's no big deal. I think it was sometime in elementary school - i really don't remember how old I was, or what grade I was in - that I started seeing my first therapist. I guess my mother thought I had depression, and I was always denying it.. Didn't even know what it was. Nor did the counseling sessions help at all because I wasn't contributing any.. being a child and all.. It was around the age of 11 that I began noticing a few things... Firstly, I was definitely no longer outgoing. I had only 2 friends, and I hardly smiled. Again, I was taken in as a depressed client, and started seeing psychologists and being put on medications, but what was really going on was that, I started to notice that things were becoming less and less important. I started to notice that I would never get angry, or sad, or anything, regardless of what went on. When I was 14, my parents got a divorce, and it was an extreme event for everyone in the family.. except for me.. I didn't seem to realize what was going on, nor did it bother me. Aside from that, other things would slip away from me also. One thing that I started to call onto myself was that I noticed that curtain things that would normally really make people angry - such as losing an important item, money, someone else breaking something or yours, etc - would have no effect on me. It just simply didn't matter to me. Also, things like responsibilities, like school, etc, I didn't care about either. Appointments, school, even things like showering, and even eating, started to become unimportant. It wasn't that I was lazy or just didnt want to do them, it was just that I felt I had no obligation or need to. As the years went on, it just became worse. I got into situations that normally people would fret or obsess about, but just let them slide by without regret or a single care. I didn't care about what happened to me, other people, or anything in general. It got to the point that not even a death of a friend or family member would effect me at all.

Throughout my entire teen years, i spent time in therapy, psychologists, hospitals, and medications, but nothing changed. Most likely because I just couldn't get myself to contribute to my recuperation. And some of it was even about a suicidal phase I had when I was 16. It wasn't really that I hated life, or people, or wanted attention or whatnot, but it was because I was tired, worn out, and just couldn't find a reason to have to deal with the things I was dealing with at the time (therapy, meds, etc, and people all over me).

At the age of 18, 2 very strange things happened one on top of the other.

I don't know what triggered this, or how it happened. My memory is very hazy at that point, and has effected me from then on. But I suffered a Dissociative Fugue. I walked half way across the valley, and was picked up by police and hospitalized. According to sources, if I remember right, I was in the hospital for a week. While I was in the hospital, it was a dream to me. I only remember bits and pieces, and most of it seems like it was erratically placed and makes no sense, but all of it was very real. I 'awoke' near the end of the week as if I really had been sleeping the entire time, to find that I was infact in the hospital. Another strange fact is that I had lost my ability to speak. I don't know why that happened, I don't know if they knew or not, I didn't get much information on what happened. But, while I was 'asleep' in the hospital I guess I started writing things down on paper for the doctors. This is where things get a little strange for me. At this point I have overlapped memories, 2 courses of conflicting memories that are to date are still telling me they are both very real. But only one of them is supported by reality.. I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric institute believing I was someone named Eric Fischer, who lived in California, and ended up in Utah on a road trip with some friends. The events that took place still haunt me, I wont get into details about that unless I really need to.

I spent the 2 weeks in the institute constantly being bothered by people, even had some special agency who works with lost individuals come and see me. At the end of that two weeks, I dont know why, but it all suddenly came back. My family, where I live, my past etc. But the other didn't go away.

The second event that took place was a little worse I guess. This happened only another 2 weeks after getting out of the hospital. When I got back from the hospital, My family had closed up my room, in other words, put things away, moved things around, and my sister was no in it. I had no room. So for the next month or so after that, the living room was my room, and the couch was my bed. After the 3 weeks of being out of school, I didn't care to go back, but I did anyway. I was piled with homework and study. I didn't care about my grades much, so it didnt bother me, i just didnt do it. I was forced into going to college, so that's what I was doing. Pass or fail. I did some work for the next 2 weeks, but I wasn't making any progress, and my mother was getting annoyed by it I guess. One day, i guess i did something to upset my mother. Again I don't remember anything that happened, other than waking up in jail. I spent 3 days naked in jail, but even then I just didnt care. While I was there though, I just felt I was slipping away, like I was finally dying. Some of the time I was there, I felt like I was half asleep, staring at the ceiling, and bits and pieces of though occasionally entered my mind. Other times i was fully awake and aware that I was infact in Jail. It didn't seem long before Someone came to me and told me I was being let go, simply because "we have no reason to keep you". On my discharge I was given my clothes, and possessions, and a small envelope like bag that had a bunch of papers in it. I was able to make a call home and ask my mother to come pick me up, with the help of someone else who was there, who gave me the address and where I was. She didn't seem to thrilled about it, but neither was I. While I was waiting for her to arrive, I guess I got curious, and opened the envelope and looked at the papers. There were quite a few, and they were all signed by me, even though Im completely sure I had never even seen them before. Along with the papers, was a hospital discharge, stating I had suffered from a concussion. I felt that I had only been out for one night, but total out time between both the hospital and jail totaled 4-5 days.

After that event, I couldnt live at home any more. I had to be put somewhere else. I ended up moving in with my grandparents, who's conditions were either a full time job, or full time school. I knew I couldn't do either of them, but i didnt care what the consequences would be once I had failed to do both of them.

Well, no surprise, I couldnt get a job, because I couldnt dedicate myself enough, and that's just something that others cant get for you. So off to college I went, just so my grandparents would leave me alone. Believe it or not, I actually began to try. During the little while I lived there, I started to feel some attachment to the world, because of my grandmother. She was caring, very kind, gentle, and patient. My grandfather on the other hand was harder than a rock. Merciless. So, because of my grandmother I actually wanted to try in school, try to get somewhere, and accomplish something, to show someone that I wasnt competely useless. But even then, I always felt myself slipping away. When I truely started to try to do things is when I really realized something was wrong with me.. It was only at the age of 19, 2 years ago, that I truely noticed I had a problem. Even though I had been suffering it for half my entire life. I found classes that I actually thought I would enjoy, and even began thinking about a career plan. But even then, I was always catching myself slipping away, losing awareness. I kept missing parts of the lecture, or losing information as it was being given. I would be listening to the lecture, even aware that I kept slipping out, and focusing all my might on paying attention, and then suddenly realize that I've lost 5 minutes of the lecture information simply because my mind is stuck on 'pay attention'. Other times I would simply just lose awareness without realizing it. The instructor would be talking about one thing, and Id believe I had a solid awareness but all of the sudden hes talking about something else and then realize I had lost it. This kind of thing goes on with every day life, with all things I do except 2 things. Writing and Drawing.

Making food, cleaning, running arrends, making appointments, even talking to others in person or on the phone, which is very hard for me.. When Im talking to people, and they give me instructions, directions, numbers, names etc, anything that requires information processing seems to get scrambled up inside, and I forget bits and pieces. I've noticed that I can only focus on one thing at a time. A good example is cooking... If I put something on the stove, I better stand there and watch it 100% of the time without being distracted by anyone, anything, or even any thoughts, or It will get overcooked, or I'll simply forget about it altogether until I smell something burning. This doesn't just happen some of the time, this happens ALL the time. This may sound like ADD, but it's not. If I'm right, ADD is a condition where your attention is easily stolen by other things, but in my case, It's kindof the opposite. My attention is i guess ok to get, but it doesnt even have to be taken. It just dissappears very easily. I can be talking to people, and then they'll suddenly ask "what are you thinking?" and then I realize that I had lost it, and not heard a word they were saying.. Talking to people is especially hard because I have to constantly ask them to repeat themselves. A strange thing is, if someone tells me something, I sit there looking confused for a minute, then ask them what they said, and they only have to say about 1 word before I suddenly get what they said before.. Like my processes are just moving exceptionally slow.. Other times I just completely miss what they said.

Ok, that's pretty much my history, and somewhat what is going on with me. I guess to sum it all up,

firstly, I constantly feel like im living a dream. Nothing really seems real to me, and I dont seem to grasp the reality of consequences, and things like fear and anger. I do however feel sadness sometimes, but only when its affiliated with myself. Not other people.

second, I have a hard time maintaining focus on things, my attention is easily lost to nothingness, and I can not multi task under normal circumstances.

thirdly, I seem to have a faulty short term memory. I cant remember multiple instructions, numbers, names, information etc. When speaking, I will constantly stop mid sentence on simple words that for some reason I just can't reach. I often forget the things I'm saying, or forget the question I've been asked half way through my explanation and have no recollection of what i was trying to explain.

Overall, I have a very hard time completing tasks, even the most simple ones, like showering, washing clothes, brushing teeth, etc.

Earlier I talked about Writing and Drawing. For some reason, these are the only exception to almost everything I've written here. Whenever I'm writing or drawing, I can constantly maintain my focus. As I write, the words come completely naturally and without pauses or hesitation, whereas in speech, I constantly stumble across my own words, and have a hard time speaking fluently. As for Drawing, its the only time demanding thing that I can keep at with full concentration, in fact, to me it doesn't even seem to require much at all. While I'm drawing, everything else around me seems to disappear, but at the same time, I feel more alert. Previously I said that "I can not multi task under normal circumstances.", well, this is the special circumstance, while I'm drawing, I can maintain focus on other things as well. Even with writing, if someone talks to me, it gives me problems, I lose concentration on what I'm typing, or the idea i'm trying to get across. But with Drawing, I can give people the focus I need to keep the conversation correct, I even think my focus is slightly improved while I'm drawing.

Ok, so I think this concludes part 1.. During the 10 or so years I've been in treatment, I've been diagnosed by all kinds of things, half the things I don't even know just because I've never been able to 'get the facts'.

I guess I'm kindof hopeful about this forum, I don't know, I seem to have bad luck whenever I'm actually trying to get something done. If there is anyone here that knows what condition/s this all describes, please help me out with a defintion.

Alright.. Now for part 2.. Those of you who don't feel like really getting involved, don't worry about this. I need dedication.. I don't know if this forum is the right place to bring this, but I just don't know where else to look. If this isnt the right place, maybe I could get some help as to where it would be.

Part 2 is about my current living situation, and the 'reality' of the struggle I'm facing right now.

In part 1, I described some of my history, and that's what led up to me being in this situation, so I'll start with that.

Being at home, I was constantly in a struggle to get people to just let me be. They didn't seem to fully understand what was going on, and neither did I, and I'm pretty sure they just trying to help and understand, but it was really coming across as them just trying to force me to get over it, rather than figuring out what it is and fixing it.

In January, i was presented with an option that I took. Again, not being aware of the consequences. My brother and his wife, had offered to let me come live with them in Kentucky. Which is quite a distance from Utah. They were unaware of my conditions, and I didn't really want them to know. I just wanted to get away. So I moved. My brother payed for the ticket, and I arrived in February. The first week I felt a little relaxed, but that didn't last long, they had expectations, and I couldn't meet them. I had told them I couldnt get a job down in salt lake, where I was living, but they took it as "I cant get a job down here, but I can up there". So I was pressured and pressured into getting my own job, because that's what their plan was from the start. They let me move in with them to get away from home for a month or so when i would get a job and move out on my own.. Wrong. I didn't even start looking for a job until It was forced on me. They werent going to put up with it, so I just went with it. I ended up getting a job. My first paycheck was $250, only 1 weeks worth. My brother took a huge chunk out of that, ($80) "for gas money" for the times he took me to work, which was 5 times that week, and a little driving around looking for a job. Which I know didn't cost that much. The next bit was looking for apartment. yes, that quick. I found one, but I knew I wasnt ready, but I was given no choice. My next paycheck was decent, around $500. My brother took another $100 of that for gas money for those 2 weeks he drove me to work... I had spent some money on food at work, because I simply hated eating at the house. I always felt like they were eyeing me and resented me for 'eating their money'. Food at work was expensive, i spent about $30 in the 2 weeks, and didnt even eat that much. Well, the same day I got that paycheck, I moved into my apartment. My brother drove me around a bit more, to pick up some food and supplies, which added up to roughly $100. I had to pay a deposit on the apartment which was $250, and an extra $97 for 'over-charge'? I dont remember what they called it. So for all you math people, that left me with somewhere near $100. If i remember correctly, i had $114. So I guess i estimated something wrong somewhere. But anyways. My apartment was unfurnashed. It had nothing in it. For 2 weeks, I slept on the floar, and did absolutely nothing... Sat around, and slept and went to work when it was time. I felt Like I was going to lose it, and i did. Even before I got my apartment, work was hard. The only job I could get was a factory production job. I was slow, I couldnt keep up, and I felt like I was getting slower by the day.. Well, at the end of those 2 weeks, I got my next paycheck, another $500 or so. So I was up to $617. Oh yeah, something I forgot to mention. I don't have a vehicle or a drivers license. No one pushed me along enough to get it, and aside from not being motivated enough, I've always had this fear that because of my conditions, I might get into an accident and hurt/kill someone. Even though I feel like I'm living a dream, I feel this strong sense of sympathy for others. When it comes down to that, I'm very selfless. But, anyways, On the 5th, I had to pay my apartment rent, which was $360. And the place to pay it was 3 miles away, maybe 4. It was roaming around in my mind constantly for those 2 weeks. I knew it was that far away, and there were people at work who had associated with me, and I'm more than curtain if I had said something, I could have gotten a ride. But I just never asked. I let it slip by. The 5th rolled around, and since I had nothing else to do, i went for a walk. I walked there and paid it, and walked back, 6-8 miles. I also went in to get my phone/internet, which cost another $140. I was sore all over. i was tired, i was hungry, and I could barely stand.

I had my job for about 4 weeks, it was a production job, and as you can imagine, they want production. I was working 12 hour night shifts. Between that and sleeping on the floar, I never felt well. If I ever felt attached to reality, it was while I had that job, simply because I was always in pain. well.. I couldnt keep up. I was slow, and it only got worse. I started leaving early because I just didnt have the strength or will to keep working for the full 12 hours, and I've missed days because I could barely walk, or just couldnt get myself to get going. I lost my job last week. So now here I am, I have around $150, not sure exactly. Just recently paid my electricity bill online because I didn't know how to mail it off.. Here where I'm living, there are no other job options. The nearest store is a gas station which isnt hiring, the closest beyond that is 3-4 miles. I can't walk there and back every day. My current situation is that, next month when I have to pay bills, as of now, I don't have a means to do it. I'll lose my apartment, and just as a note, my brother and his wife have moved out of the state, so they wont be helping me any more, not that I'd want them to.

This is where I need help. Im not asking for charity, money or anything like that, Im asking for alternatives. The only one I know of is SSI, which i've been told countless times in the past by therapists and doctors that I qualify for, but I can't get that on my own. I cant dedicate myself enough to get it all in order and working. If that's the only option I have, I need help doing that, if there's some other option, then please let me know.

I think that's all of it. It's very long I know, but I feel like I need to explain it all for people to get it. Thankyou for being patient.


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2007)

Erm... "Dyslexic's wet dream". Sorry to say but i'm dyslexic... so reading all you wrote would TKO me... although... "Welcome to be board" =).


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## Luc (Jul 18, 2007)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:



> Erm... "Dyslexic's wet dream". Sorry to say but i'm dyslexic... so reading all you wrote would TKO me... although... "Welcome to be board" =).


It's alright, thank you for responding. If nothing else you lifted my hopes a little that there are actually people here.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I have to say your story is quite amazing.

Hmm... don't you have anyone who can at least help you? Help you with money? place of living? finding a job?

I think it's very important that you'll treat first your Dissociative Fugue.
I know it's very complicated for you to do it, though. There must be someone who can help you. Does your family knows about your Dissociative Fugue?

What else? maybe you can find a job on something you like... You said you like Writing and Drawing. Maybe you can do something with that. Maybe work from home.

I also know there are some programs where you can live and try working, you get some thearpy, and it's all suited to your problems (I don't know what you have there in the us though).

I can't think of anything else right now. I also don't much about all this. But I tried...

How are you doing now?


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## Luc (Jul 18, 2007)

EverDream said:


> I have to say your story is quite amazing.
> 
> Hmm... don't you have anyone who can at least help you? Help you with money? place of living? finding a job?
> 
> ...


Other than the scarr's its left, the dissociative fugue is done with. As for finding a job on something that I like, that's easier said than done. Drawing, writing, they let me relax, and I do enjoy doing them, aslong as they do not become an obligation, which a job would make them. Where I'm living now, there really arent any jobs that I could take, and I can't afford to get myself somewhere that I can get a cleaner, more relaxing job. Nearest family like I said, is my brother. Other family lives across the country. The only people I know are associates I met at that job. Of everyone, I just dont feel like I really know anyone that I can talk to and get actual support from. Mostly all that's happening now, is I'm just waiting. There's nothing more i can do.


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## szeret (Aug 7, 2007)

Aw your story really touched me.

I know you'll find this comment supreamely unhelpful, but u should do what I did and get a sugar daddy. :roll:

Try to set your self small tasks one at a time. If I were you I'd invest in a bed or at least a matteress. Sleeping on the floor is so bad for you, physically and psycologically. I dont really know much about welfare in america, so I don't know what assiastance your eligable for. they're very mean compared to England and even more so compared to Europe. If u were in s=Sweden you would not be haveing these problems.


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