# Time to Share My Journey



## AnimalLover (Apr 10, 2015)

Hi everyone! My name is Angela, and I'm 32 years old. I wanted to come here and write about my recovery story because I know how much I relied on this site to help me through my deepest and worst parts of my anxiety/depression/DPDR, and I'm hoping that I can provide advice and possibly hope (because I know how difficult it is to have hope when you're going through the hell of this condition) to others who are currently in the shoes that I used to walk in, and struggle with to not return to. I know that this is a lot to read, and after writing it I went back through to edit it, but I really feel like in order to understand my recovery, you need to know the struggle.

*THE BACKSTORY*

I have had anxiety for over 20 years, but was only officially diagnosed with it in the Spring of 2008 and began taking medication (no therapy; BIG MISTAKE) for it. I had confided in my boyfriend at the time, and he and his mother (who struggled with mental health issues herself), recommended that I go see my doctor. You see, I had battled cycles of intrusive thoughts where I would think about hurting myself, others, or my pets, which as anyone with intrusive thoughts knows is COMPLETELY against my nature. I'm a special education teacher and animal lover, and about as nurturing as they come, so you can understand why these thoughts would be so distressing for me. Like I said, they came in cycles as they would last for maybe several weeks to a couple of months, then go away for a long time (maybe a few years, but honestly back then I wasn't keeping track because I was so young and didn't know to do so). I would be upset when they came back because they were very much out of my control, and I would avoid any triggers that would scare me more (my pets, knives, heights, etc). It SUCKED, but as I said, I was young and didn't know any better.

The medication worked (I won't say which one because I'm sure many of you are looking for that magic pill, and believe me, there isn't one), and I was on it for a year and a half. I went off of it (under my doctor's direction, which is the ONLY way you should ever start or stop medication for anxiety/depression/DPDR) for another 18 months, then back on it for the next four years. After those four years (September 2014) I went off of it without informing my doctor (VERY EFFING STUPID OF ME!!!!!), and this is where I sled into the hell that many of you are in right now. I went off of the medication to start trying to have a baby with my (now) ex-boyfriend, a man who promised to love me and be there for me for life. I didn't think I could be on medication while pregnant, so I stupidly decided to go off of it myself (FYI, talk to your doctor if you're thinking about getting pregnant; it's possible in some cases to stay on your meds). At the time, I was also in the middle of getting my house ready to put on the market to sell to be with my ex, I donated most of my furniture to charity, and half of my things were at his house as we had planned on getting married.

The thoughts came back, and this time they brought DPDR, which was something I had never experienced before. I started questioning why we are here, what's the point of life, and all sorts of things that I honestly can't even remember. I spent HOURS at a time looking up ways to get past these thoughts, and holy shit it was all-consuming. At this point I was scared to be home alone and asked my mother to stay with me on the nights that I wasn't with my ex. I asked a good friend for a recommendation for a Cognitive Behavior Therapist (one of the BEST things I ever did), and had my first session with him where I bawled my eyes out. Less than a week later, I called my doctor's office in a panic because I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming, and she had her secretary tell me to go to the ER and be seen by the psychiatric triage nurse. She thought I was a suicide risk (I wasn't, but being in that horrible of a mental state I didn't know which way was up/down/around my ass), and so then I thought I was as well. I called my parents and best friends (not my ex, even though he is a nurse practitioner in the ER and has experience with mental health), and they came to the ER to see me. I (thankfully) was not committed involuntarily, and was released.

I told my ex that night of what happened that day, and from then on he treated me differently. He couldn't be there for me, and was constantly "checking in" on me to see if I was ready to have a baby. No damnit, I was going through hell and trying to get myself back. How the fuck could I be ready to have a baby? I was still going to therapy and was put on a different medication, as well as exercised all the time, meditated, and cut out caffeine. I was running around in circles trying to get myself better for some asshole that wasn't there for me, when in reality I needed to get better for ME.

The best and the worst thing happened on New Year's Day 2015. My ex dumped me. I thought it was the worst day of my life, but looking back, holy shit am I glad that happened. My ex took everything that was good about me and tore it apart, then left me to fend for myself. My mother was still staying with me, and I was still "researching" all sorts of cures for whatever the hell I thought I had (self-diagnosing new conditions daily). It was fucking exhausting, and caused issues with my family, co-workers, and myself. I had no hope of a better future, and missed the loving girl that I had been previously, instead of just the shell that was left behind.

*MY RECOVERY*

WHAT DIDN'T WORK:

I continued to look online all the time to find the magic answer. I read books on anxiety and DP, and joined online forums. I was OBSESSED with my disorder and in getting rid of it, which is EXACTLY why it stayed so long. I prayed. I prayed too much, to the point where it was another "I hope I've found the magic cure-all" instead of actual belief (FYI, this was not healthy). I was in my own head for months, and even when I was with other people I wasn't really there. You can't live life alone, and you sure as hell can't cure a condition that forces you inside yourself without other people. I lost hope that I would be myself again.

WHAT DID WORK:

I worked my ass off with my CBT, and held nothing back from him. I argued with him, I cried, I did the damn homework. I told him when I was scared to try his techniques alone, and he had me do them in his office. I got a dog. My beautiful pitbull mix, Cammie, was one of the biggest pieces to my recovery process. She FORCED me to get out and go places (dog parks, dog-friendly restaurants, lakes, etc.) She's such a friendly and beautiful pup that most people wanted to pet her and talk to me. I went out to bars with her in tow to go out and meet new people, people who didn't know what I was going through and I could forget for awhile that I was "fucked up." I continued taking my medication under the advice of my doctor, and brought up any concerns that I had without hesitation. And then, I really learned how to pray. I learned how to rely on and look to God for strength and guidance, as well as to let go of things outside of my control. As alluded to, I'm 32, single, and I don't have any children. That is not the life that I pictured for myself, and for me, part of my anxiety and DPDR is learning to get go of things that I can't always control. Prayer and a belief that I'm here for a greater purpose has saved me, but it took me a long time to come to that realization. I understand that religion and faith aren't for everyone, but for my recovery they were crucial, so that's why I'm sharing that.

As others have said, getting away from DPDR, anxiety, depression, medical websites is absolutely CRITICAL to your recovery! You need to form new habits and get away from staying inside your head. Put down the damn phone and laptop and stop looking up what is wrong with you and how to cure it. You can't cure it, it simply fades away over time after YOU have made adjustments to your lifestyle. Medication helps calm the thoughts so that you can make those changes, but it doesn't cure it altogether. In my experience, DPDR is multi-faceted. It happens to you, it happens because of you, and it happens in spite of you. However, you CAN beat it. I believe that I am 94% of the way recovered, but that doesn't mean I don't struggle at least a little bit with it every day. It's my comfort, the place that I know well. When life is going well I'm able to stay away from it, but when life gets difficult it's very easy to go back there. That's how I know it's under my control, because it's MY CHOICE to not go back there. The only difference between me now and me a year ago is that back then I didn't recognize the symptoms of the decline, and I didn't have the tools from prayer and therapy to keep me from going downhill. I do now, and that's why I'm determined to never go back to where I was last year.

I know this was an insanely long post, but I thank you for reading it. I sincerely hope that at least one person can take something positive from my battle, and use it for their own. I wish all of you love, peace, and of course, the real you back!

Love,

Angela


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

Thanks for sharing your story!


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## Sueallan (Apr 5, 2014)

Hey, it was great reading your post as the style of writing and your life reminds me a lot of myself right now.

I've been sufferng dp/dr on and off for 7 years now and whenever i ry to stop the meds EVERYTHING comes back all horribaly, recently I moved house with my fiancee and it all cam back ( i was at a really low dose) it sucks because i wasn't expecting it this time, no apprehension like usual.

We were trying to have a baby too but then I got worse than ever, very depressed too.

I don't think though that for me it will EVER leave as experience has lead me to believe that its how my body copes with stress, it just explodes after a while maybe.

I'd like to ask you a few questions though if you don't mind:

Have you ever, since you first experienced anxiety, felt good, or cured?

Are you still taking medication?

Aren't you a bit scecptical of it all comic back, do you believe that it won't be the same after your therapy?


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## Nay (Jan 10, 2016)

Reading things make me feel better and researching does to but really only recovery stories


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## Guest (Jan 15, 2016)

awesome story and great advice


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## something6789 (Oct 7, 2013)

AnimalLover said:


> Hi everyone! My name is Angela, and I'm 32 years old. I wanted to come here and write about my recovery story because I know how much I relied on this site to help me through my deepest and worst parts of my anxiety/depression/DPDR, and I'm hoping that I can provide advice and possibly hope (because I know how difficult it is to have hope when you're going through the hell of this condition) to others who are currently in the shoes that I used to walk in, and struggle with to not return to. I know that this is a lot to read, and after writing it I went back through to edit it, but I really feel like in order to understand my recovery, you need to know the struggle.
> 
> *THE BACKSTORY*
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for sharing and good luck to you  I find much of this relatable for some reason!


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