# Anyone who got dp without using drugs?



## Muutosjahdissa (Nov 9, 2007)

Hi all,

it seems to me that most people here have drug-use-related depersonalisation. I'd be curious to hear if there is anyone like me who never did drugs but still got the symptoms at older age (26)?

I used to be a very passionate guy, I had strong emotions and I loved life. For some reason my identity was never really strong and I always remember wanting to please other people, but I was still enjoying life very much and being "succesfull" as well. I had many good friends, hobbies that I was good at etc.

I was in a relationship with a woman that I thought was the woman of my life. At an early stage of our relationship I started feeling anxious about our relationship, but I still wanted to continue because I had decided that this was going to be the love story of all time. As I got more and more anxious I gradually started to obsess about the relationship and the more I did this, the more scared I was to even think about break-up. Eventually my relationship - and how it SHOULD work although it didn't - filled my whole mind and nothing else mattered anymore. I felt trapped: without this girl I wouldn't be anything but with her I seemed to be loosing myself. My mind was really messed up already, but I tried to push even more because I thought that if I could just learn to be with this girl in peace, all my problems would dissappear.

As my mind got more tired and we finally broke up, I got severe depersonalisation almost 2 years ago. Despite a lot of understanding and knowledge, I still have a very heavy mind and I find it hard to break the cycle. As for most of you, it took a long time until I heard that I'm not the only one and that this beast even has a name. My own diagnosis, that my therapist agrees on, is that my identity hadn't developed very well and that's why I kinda "lost myself" when trying to keep up a relationship that was strangling me. I was too scared to let go and stand on my own too feet and that's what I'm trying to learn now.

The sad thing is that I still haven't gotten over this girl, I still find myself thinking "if I only could learn to be with her, I'd be happy". It's surprisingly difficult to find enough strength to break this illusion. I feel that I'd need to totally re-adjust my mind to take a new way.

Thanks for listening.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

I hope that you can find yourself and feel secure in your own identity. 
It sounds like maybe that will be a big step for you in beating this thing.


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## Muutosjahdissa (Nov 9, 2007)

Thanks Layla! All the best to you.

May I ask what triggered your dp when you were younger? I remember having some dp experiences when I was 11 or 12, but they went away quickly. They seemed to come out of nowhere at a time when I considered myself a happy child, no stress or worries that I was aware of.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

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## catthedog (Dec 15, 2007)

Hi Muutosjahdissa. Yeah, I suffer from DP and have never touched drugs (or alcohol) in my life. It started when I was 13. I've been having periods of DP on and off since then. I'm 20 now. Some of the posts from people who have got DP from taking drugs make for scary reading don't they?


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I also don't have drug induced DP. I've never used drugs. My DP started when I was almost 19, Even though some years before it started, I think I also had some mild DP. I just wasn't aware of it and somehow it didn't bother me that much. The "real" DP started, as I said, when I was 19, while I had my first really severe panic attack (wow, it scares me to think about this panic attack).

I think DP in genral is losing yourself, your identity. I'm trying to find my new self and become a real person again. I don't know how to explain it really but it seems that my old self was really bad, always under a lot of stress, hollow in some way, but still very much real- my true identity. And the new me is somehow better, still very much scared and stressed, but also more aware of things, appreciate things, less quite and shy, get along better with people. But I have no self. I feel so empty and hollow. I really don't want my old self back so I'm trying to make a new one. I'm somehow more afraid that I'll go back to my old self than I'm afraid of having no self.

So... in short, lol, I wish you new and better self.

Oh, isn't it Chrismas time now?


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

I have non-drug induced DP/DR. But I didn't got it when I was older, I was just a child, although I don't remember much of it. Because of trauma's in my early childhood, I began to dissociate and developed DID. DP/DR is part of DID.


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## tachyon (Dec 25, 2007)

I've taken drugs for sure, but that wasn't until a couple years ago. I'm 22 and I have gone through many periods of upsetting DR and DP since as far back as I can remember.

The first real memory I have of this horrible condition was when I was 8. I remember looking at my mom, then suddenly I felt like I didn't know her. I had memories and I knew she was 'my mommy', but that was it. I was really scared by this feeling so I went to the bathroom just to do something, and when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. Again I knew it was me because I knew what I looked like, but it didn't feel like anyone to me. I realized that this was how I felt about everything, I felt like I had just been dropped into this body with all these memories that might as well have belonged to someone else.

It comes and goes, sometimes I feel like I'm me, but for the most part I feel like an outside observer to my own life.

Man I didn't mean to type all that. That felt really good to get out there...


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

> The first real memory I have of this horrible condition was when I was 8. I remember looking at my mom, then suddenly I felt like I didn't know her. I had memories and I knew she was 'my mommy', but that was it. I was really scared by this feeling so I went to the bathroom just to do something, and when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. Again I knew it was me because I knew what I looked like, but it didn't feel like anyone to me. I realized that this was how I felt about everything, I felt like I had just been dropped into this body with all these memories that might as well have belonged to someone else.
> 
> It comes and goes, sometimes I feel like I'm me, but for the most part I feel like an outside observer to my own life.
> 
> Man I didn't mean to type all that. That felt really good to get out there...


Yep, It sucks, I can relate to what you are talking about tachyon, but it's not forever :wink:
Glad to hear you are feeling better.

Pollyanna.


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## kioreija (Sep 16, 2006)

Yeah.. I suffer from DP/DR that weren't caused from drug use.. 
The first DR/DP experience I remember.. I was 9 years old I think.
I was in class, sitting on the floor, with all the other grade 3's.. And suddenly everything seemed to have changed... Like everything was on the different television channel, everything was shaded a purplish hue and I didn't recognise the teacher or my peers. I felt as though I was beyond everyone and every _sensation_, kind of...
I don;t feel like elaborating right now.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I also developed DP without the use of drugs. I still don't know where the hell it came from.


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## kioreija (Sep 16, 2006)

surfingisfun001:

D: I know what you mean..


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## kazanmolly (Jan 26, 2008)

I have had depersonalisation for many years and have never done any drugs. My dp first hit me when i was 12, and i'm now 30.
I have always been a nervous and anxious person. I'm also a control freak which i think tends to make it worse at times.
I had several years in my early 20's when i wa dp free....but its back with avengeance. However.....Years ago I didnt know what it was and thought i must have been losing my mind or had some horrific brain tumor. As a result I was absolutely terrified of it and very focused on it. Last year, it hit me again quite severly which encouraged me to google search my symptoms on the net. I stumbled across this site and discovered that i'm not alone and that there's actually a name for it. 
I actually feel angry at doctors and shrinks because in all therapists i have seen, not one of them mentioned this anxiety condition as a possibility. I feel that if someone had talked to me about this years ago, i would not have suffered in silence for as long as I did.
I'm very grateful to this site....thankyou everyone.


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

kazanmolly said:


> I have had depersonalisation for many years and have never done any drugs. My dp first hit me when i was 12, and i'm now 30.
> I have always been a nervous and anxious person. I'm also a control freak which i think tends to make it worse at times.
> I had several years in my early 20's when i wa dp free....but its back with avengeance. However.....Years ago I didnt know what it was and thought i must have been losing my mind or had some horrific brain tumor. As a result I was absolutely terrified of it and very focused on it. Last year, it hit me again quite severly which encouraged me to google search my symptoms on the net. I stumbled across this site and discovered that i'm not alone and that there's actually a name for it.
> I actually feel angry at doctors and shrinks because in all therapists i have seen, not one of them mentioned this anxiety condition as a possibility. I feel that if someone had talked to me about this years ago, i would not have suffered in silence for as long as I did.
> I'm very grateful to this site....thankyou everyone.


DP often disappear forever at the age of 30, I read that on Wikipedia.
Yeah, I feel so mad at doctors and shrinks because they never even mentioned DP. NEVER! I really can't believe it, I really can't.. I don't even wanna think about all those people out there with DP that think that they are alone - it just makes me sad. And angry.

Anyway, do you mind if I ask some questions? I'm actually pretty new to DP, but I've also suffered too long, because I didn't know about DP.
Have you taken any medications, given to you by your therapist/doctor? 
If yes, which one?
I read that antipsychotics are something that will help people with DP, to make it go away.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

People have DP from different things. For some who have DP due to stress, anxiety, panic etc, some meds may help. I have taken a number of meds from anti depressants to anti anxiety, antipsychotic, stimulants, and the list goes on. No med ever did anything for me but make me feel more numb.

I also agree that it's very frustrating that doctors don't pay much attention to people who say that have DP. I have been to so many and everyone tells me different things most of which don't have anything to do with DP at all.

One question you want to ask yourself is where your DP came from. Some people have it from stress or a panic attack, others have it from smoking weed, yet others have it from weird things like lyme disease and candida.

So to answer your question if you are experiencing your DP from stress or anxiety medication may help you.


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

surfingisfun001 said:


> People have DP from different things. For some who have DP due to stress, anxiety, panic etc, some meds may help. I have taken a number of meds from anti depressants to anti anxiety, antipsychotic, stimulants, and the list goes on. No med ever did anything for me but make me feel more numb.
> 
> I also agree that it's very frustrating that doctors don't pay much attention to people who say that have DP. I have been to so many and everyone tells me different things most of which don't have anything to do with DP at all.
> 
> ...


I'm not 100% sure.. but I believe that I got my DP from panic attacks. I'm pretty sure about that. I've never used drugs, never will either.

I see.. Well, I'll soon find out where I got this DP from, because I'm getting new medication this week, hopefully it will help.


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## kazanmolly (Jan 26, 2008)

Amphibians.....In answer to your question, I have taken quite a few different variaties of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs over the years....efexor, zoloft, arapax, cipramil. I think doctors have prescribed them to me simply because they dont know what else to do with me. No drugs have ever helped me feel any different...same as surfingisfun001....they did nothing for me other than to make me feel more numb. Quite frankly i would rather feel the dp and be myself the rest of the time instead of a zombie.
However...everyone is different, and they may help some people. They havent helped me and i have been free of any drugs for about 5 years now. I dont think they help because this condition is simply a fear of fear itself...brought on by anxiety, and bad enough to fear going insane. Please do understand this though....you will not go crazy and you will be ok. I believe that just knowing what it is, will alleviate the fear somewhat so you can start living your life again. Keep remembering that fear is what feeds it, and you have the power to stop feeding it. Its a hungary bastard! and it will eat up whatever is on offer....panic attacks, stress, life changes....even mild anxiety. i think that some people are just more predisposed to anxiety than others, and we are the ones who just have to work harder at understanding it and keeping it in check. 
Because I have been able to find others with the same thing, I realise that I'm not alone anymore and that there are compassionate, people who can offer so much more support than any doctor could.
I also regularly see a counsellor. She has accepted my self diagnosis, instead of her trying to make me believe something else that I know is not the right fit. This has helped me a lot. I find that just talking through my dp experiences with her is a great comfort to me. 
You will get through terrible cases of Dp and come out the other side just fine. Dont forget to keep telling yourself that you are in control of it...not the other way around. Dont pay any more attention to it....it thrives on that stuff. Accept that it may be there, but it doesnt have to frighten you every second of every minute of everyday.
I hope this rambling on has helped somewhat....it helps me to write about it, so thankyou for resonding to my post. Kaz.

Ps...I remember the very first time I got the dp when i was 12....It was brought on by a panic attack. I was at school, in the changing rooms of the gym waiting to start sport which i hated andn always made me incredibly nervous and WHAMMO! Instant panic! After that day, everything changed. I was suddenly experiencing something terrifying that i had no words to explain it with, and it was incedibly hard....but i'm still here and now I do have the words to explain it. 
Goodluck...sorry i wrote so much!


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

kazanmolly said:


> Amphibians.....In answer to your question, I have taken quite a few different variaties of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs over the years....efexor, zoloft, arapax, cipramil. I think doctors have prescribed them to me simply because they dont know what else to do with me. No drugs have ever helped me feel any different...same as surfingisfun001....they did nothing for me other than to make me feel more numb. Quite frankly i would rather feel the dp and be myself the rest of the time instead of a zombie.
> However...everyone is different, and they may help some people. They havent helped me and i have been free of any drugs for about 5 years now. I dont think they help because this condition is simply a fear of fear itself...brought on by anxiety, and bad enough to fear going insane. Please do understand this though....you will not go crazy and you will be ok. I believe that just knowing what it is, will alleviate the fear somewhat so you can start living your life again. Keep remembering that fear is what feeds it, and you have the power to stop feeding it. Its a hungary bastard! and it will eat up whatever is on offer....panic attacks, stress, life changes....even mild anxiety. i think that some people are just more predisposed to anxiety than others, and we are the ones who just have to work harder at understanding it and keeping it in check.
> Because I have been able to find others with the same thing, I realise that I'm not alone anymore and that there are compassionate, people who can offer so much more support than any doctor could.
> I also regularly see a counsellor. She has accepted my self diagnosis, instead of her trying to make me believe something else that I know is not the right fit. This has helped me a lot. I find that just talking through my dp experiences with her is a great comfort to me.
> ...


I see, but when you say "numb", do you mean psychical or mentally? Of course, the same goes for me as well - I'd rather live with DP than a zombie. You say DP is fear.. But I'm actually not afraid. Everything feels so unreal so I actually don't take much serious. That's why I'm so isolated at home, my mum dislikes me to go outside and stuff because I'd just cross a road without looking if any cars are coming. But somehow, I think you're right when it comes to fear. And anxiety. Because I didn't get DP from drugs, (I've never taken drugs) I think I got it from panic attacks for a couple of years ago. Back then I sure was hell'a afraid. 
Hm, I've never thought about it that way. Thanks for bringing it up !

I remember I got so so so afraid the first times I got my panic attacks. Mostly because I didn't know what it was. I thought I was going to die. I swear, I've never ever in my whole life been so scared as I was back then. Oh dear. But still.. how can my DP "survived" through all these years? I've never fed it with any fear, not fear of that kind. Maybe I'm very sensitive, or something. Oh well, I can keep babbling on and on! I will surely talk to my terapist about this, thanks again  !

Yeah, you're right about that. That I have to keep telling myself that I have the control.. It's just like panic attacks. (Which I've learnt how to deal with)
No no, it's okay if you write that much, even if it wasn't that much . 
You have no idea, or maybe you have hehe, how long I've been waiting too talk to people like you ! 
Thanks for sharing, and answering // amphibians


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Talking to a counselor sounds like a good idea. I might recommend you read the book from dpmanual.com. A guy wrote it who had chronic DP and recovered and he wrote everything you need to know about it if you are experiencing it from a panic attack. I bought these CD's called the Linden Method (believe me i've been trying everything lol). They are very interesting and help alot with anxiety/panic. You may want to look into those. So have you had DP this whole time ever since your first panic attack or did it just start?


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Talking to a counselor sounds like a good idea. I might recommend you read the book from dpmanual.com. A guy wrote it who had chronic DP and recovered and he wrote everything you need to know about it if you are experiencing it from a panic attack. I bought these CD's called the Linden Method (believe me i've been trying everything lol). They are very interesting and help alot with anxiety/panic. You may want to look into those. So have you had DP this whole time ever since your first panic attack or did it just start?


Thanks for the tips! I'll search for it  
Yeah, chronic DP.. I have that.
I've had DP since my first panic attacks.. Can't remember though exactly when it was, but I know it was back then - 4 years ago..
How about you then? How long have you had DP/DR?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I am approaching my one year mark this Thursday (Valentine's Day of all days). I've been going crazy for a year but I am starting to think that I might have this from lyme disease because i was bit by a tick a while back. Going to get tested for infections this thursday (Valentine's Day). Can you feel the love lol?


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

surfingisfun001 said:


> I am approaching my one year mark this Thursday (Valentine's Day of all days). I've been going crazy for a year but I am starting to think that I might have this from lyme disease because i was bit by a tick a while back. Going to get tested for infections this thursday (Valentine's Day). Can you feel the love lol?


Oh, I see.. Wish you the best!


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