# After 11 Years, I Feel Like Myself Again



## 1A

Please apologize the scattering in this post and any typo's.

This post should give hope to everyone who has DP/DR, especially long-term sufferers.

A caffeine overdose (in the form of Vivarin pills) caused a panic attack, and then the DP/DR soon followed for me. That was the triggering event.

I finally feel, after 11+ years of non-stop, 24/7 DP/DR like myself again.

The main mistake I made was when I'd feel somewhat like myself again, I would get really excited and then the DP/DR would come back usually within 4 to 7 hours, if not sooner.

I knew in my mind that the DP/DR would come back, before it ever came back. However, the last few weeks the DP/DR has pretty much been gone, and I believe it's gone for good.

Trust me, I wouldn't say that just to say it, since I have been let down many times in the past, but this time is different, mostly because of three books I found (two very recently).

You think I would not be a mess right now, but while I feel better physically (pretty much perfect) I'm seeing all of these people my age, who I feel I must catch up with -- people my age who are now married, have kids, a house instead of a tiny apartment, etc.

Because of how bad my DP/DR was, I ended up selling most of my 6,000 compact disc collection on eBay. I haven't had a "job job" since August 2002. This was due to the crippling nature of my anxiety, agoraphobia and DP/DP, which I now believe to be the result of a trauma response not allowed to complete itself (explained in more detail later).

Before the DP/DR, I never went to any proms or football games... nothing. So I wasn't necessarily fully functional in high school, even. I began work on a four-year college degree in 1993, although the DP/DR came on in the Fall of 1994, during my sophomore year, so I settled for a two-year degree, graduated in Dec. 1995.

I barely made it to my classes, because my whole body would lock up and I'd be walking the campus like a robot and felt outside of my body. I could not concentrate or focus worth anything. I'm fortunate to have graduated, period, no matter what the degree, just the fact that I obtained something.

Amazingly, I had a steady employment record at two Fortune 500 companies between 1996 and 2002. I would take 3 or 4 hour lunches. I would go out to the parking lot and just sit in my car and feel spaced out, not wanting to go back into work.

When I was at work, I would avoid physical contact with everyone. My hands would shake like I had MS and I would accidentally trip on stuff or knock stuff over.

Certain parts of the building I couldn't even go to. I had a hard time even sitting at my own desk. It's like this anxiety and DP/DR followed me everywhere and there was no escape.

My voice would quiver on the phone while talking with investors because my entire body felt strange and I feared everyone could SEE how I felt. I thought they must be able to see how weird I felt and that made me even more uneasy.

I didn't look in the mirror much until rather recently. If I looked at myself too long, I would recoil in horror that I really was alive and in a body. It just was too much to swallow.

Now I look at myself in the mirror and I'm fine with myself.

However, everything is just messed up because I have this 11 year gap where life was hell, where I constantly felt disconnected from my body and environment, and to bridge that gap now, more than a decade later, seems a daunting task, at best.

To describe the extent to how incredible this transformation is, I would rather be in prison for life, and feel normal like this, than to have DP/DR but be "free" in the physical sense. There is no freedom with DP/DR, at least how I was experiencing it.

It felt like the most painful, uncomfortable, nagging wicked curse imaginable. I really can't see how anyone could live with this. I still can't. I'm surprised and glad I hung in there.

These feelings were the most intense spaced out, uncomfortable feelings anyone could imagine -- plus I was agoraphobic and anxious as hell on top of feeling like I didn't exist or not believing I was existing.

I sometimes would get locked into a certain position and couldn't move. Like I was frozen. I once felt so dizzy and out of it that my arms were crossed and I couldn't uncross them. They eventually uncrossed but not smoothly at all. I habitually made very jerky movements, just because that's part of the nature of DP/DR, I think.

Massive headaches, far worse than the worst migraine, preceded this apparent recovery from DP/DR. So if someone is looking for symptoms or signs that recovery is on its way, massive headaches could be one of those symptoms.

I don't have any problems with my head, if you're wondering. That's all been checked out.

Perhaps massive headaches because of 11 years of tension in my head. And that tension has been gradually releasing itself, it feels like, since mid November -- 7 or 8 weeks now, but more strongly within the past 2 or 3 weeks.

The worst part about feeling normal again is that it's like a transformation because I never thought this would happen. It's almost unbelievable. And now life seems more important. Too important, for instance, to sit behind a desk and work all day, or spend all day in meetings.

I know that if you have DP/DR you're going to hate this advice for getting better, but the first step I took was to allow any and all weird symptoms to come as they pleased. I'm pretty sure I was fighting them in the past. In 1999 I read a book by Claire Weekes about accepting whatever weird sensations your body gives you. That book is called "Hope and Help For Your Nerves."

From 1999 until recently I thought I was fully accepting the symptoms, but now I realize I wasn't. Only now can I stand up in a room anywhere, and just stand there, and not be anxious, not feel like I have to say something or sit down really fast. Not feeling spaced out, I'm just there, and connected. I talk so much slower (as in normal), too. My mind doesn't seem like it's racing anymore either.

I eventually started to ask for more symptoms. The symptoms would in fact get worse, but then they would peak and die off. The book that recommends asking for more symptoms is "Don't Panic" by R. Reid Wilson. That's a fantastic book even though I don't believe I ever had panic disorder.

The two books by Peter Levine are highly recomended and I believe were crucial to my feeling better. His first book is called "Waking the Tiger," and I haven't read all of it yet. You pretty much only need the first chapter in that one. His second book is more hands-on (less case studies) and is titled "Healing Trauma."

I found "Healing Trauma" at a coffee/book shop on a college campus two Fridays ago. It was like an awakening when I read most of it. I had to put the book down several times, because the fog in my head was started to lift a little bit more, as I kept hitting on things that I could relate to and I was catching myself saying "Yeah, this makes sense. This is amazing. This guy really knows what he's talking about."

I would recommend first working on reconnecting with your physical self. Because once you're reconnected with your physical sense, your physical self will automatically reconnect with your environment.

But if you try to reconnect with your environment first, then you also (I would think) have to manually reconnect with your physical self too. That way just seems backwards and more work so go with your body first; the rest will follow.

Don't despair if you've had DP/DR for years and years like me. Your body/mind is absolutely capable of returning to a non-anxious, non-DP/DR state. You never lose the ability to do that. It's always there, no matter what. It is true that if you asked me this past Halloween, I wouldn't be as sure. But enough time has now passed.

I also don't care if the DP/DR comes back. That is crucial for lasting recovery, too, I would think. All you have to do is be even a little afraid of the symptoms and then it's going to try to bring you down.

It's really paradoxical how this thing works and persists. You would think asking for more symptoms or for the symptoms to be worse would be illogical, when in fact the exact opposite is actually true.

If you've been DP-free for a few months or even years and it's come back, I'd be interested in hearing those things too. I really don't think this is going to come back, though, because my caring and focusing on it is what gave it the power to exist. And now that I don't give a rip about it anymore, it's like it's lost pretty much all of its power.

The other thing is that in asking for more symptoms, my body did initially start to twitch and shake, as if resisting what I wanted. But that eventually cleared up on itself. So if you're physically healthy, don't be alarmed by any twitching or spasms, as this is normal when recovering.

Lastly, once you start to get glimpses of yourself feeling normal again, your mind remembers. And so with each little glimpse, you are getting closer and closer to recovery.

Expect setbacks, though. Hell, a few weeks ago I thought I was good and then BAM! the next day it's like I had lost all progress.

But please remember that you're not losing progress. Your mind/body is going back to adapting its old, natural way of being and if it hasn't been "there" in a while, there is going to be some conflict and the symptoms will flair up. Eventually you win by not giving a damn about those symptoms.

I'm sure a lot of people here also feel a diminished orgasm or not as much pleasure in that area because of DP/DR. That too will return 100 percent, once you're feeling reconected to yourself. The sexual dysfunction is only temporary. In my case that's 11 years, but 11 years is still temporary -- heck of a long time, but technically temporary.

Two steps forward, one step back for a while. Hang in there. It gets better. And I never thought in a million years I'd be able to say this.

I am certainly not out of the woods yet, from a psychological standpoint. I just want to get out and be among people, because I haven't felt this good in so long. But I don't know how to reintegrate myself into society.

That's going to be tricky, I think. I can't just do it. I've been through too much to just say "Well, okay, the DP/DR is gone. Life is normal again. Just be normal."

No. Hell no! You can't just snap your fingers and get back to life as it was before, because this transformation is too huge, it's like miracle. I'm just overwhelmed and overjoyed but also confused and tentative.

I'm notorious for losing long messages that I type, so I'm going to post this now, just for the sake of getting it up, and if anyone has questions about how I got to where I'm at, I certainly welcome any responses, questions, etc.

Kind Regards,

Jeff


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## Guest

Awesome post mate. So glad you feel better! I think I'll order those books...


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## Guest

Thank you for the post, it definitly made my day a whole lot better.


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## Guest

I'm so happy for you and also happy that you described your past so well. I searched the books and will get them to read.
It's so great to read your story, I'm motivated to hope again and can relate to much of what you said.

All the best and stay well...........
beachgirl


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## Universal

Thank you very much for this post. I really appreciate what you're saying and coming out and helping others with this information. I've been getting pretty hopeless and lonely these past few days (more like weeks) and I can say that I might've experienced what you're experiencing before (as in coming out of dp). But now I have several other problems. I can't for the life of me feel my feelings, I can't really relate to anyone with strong emotions when they express them because I really can't feel my own.

I've read the book by Claire Weekes and after I read it I felt a certain "defrosting" like I was coming back to life. Unfortunately this didn't last for that long as I got too excited and thought I was cured (which I was telling my mom but of course her being wiser than me wasn't as optimistic about it as I was).

All I can know now is that I didn't experience a freak occurance and neither did those who have recovered - it's really possible and seeing your post brings a rainbow of hope to me so thank you very much.

Please don't go and disapear on us, keep us updated on your recovery, this will really help me and others on this board who are struggling with borderline recovery.

I have many anxiety books and stuff too which I think anxiety and DP, at least for me, are connected and when you eliminate the anxiety perhaps the DP will go away as well. This is not for sure but I at least am hoping so.

God bless.


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## jft

Hey Jeff. Great for you!.

You asked for comments. I have one. It is in regards to your transformation back into normalacy and the gap incurred concerning 11 years. My comment in how to make that transformation happen is to take your own advice about dp/dr symptoms, do not fight it, do not think on it, do not dwell on it. Do not analyzye anything. Do not do hindsight. No woulda shoulda coulda's. Accept the fact that you have been dealt a good hand and go with it, with no regrets or guilt over "losing" 11 years. or having to play catch up with those you compare yourself to. Do not compare. It is your life, not theirs. Look at this as the first day of the rest of your life, a clean slate, a new journey, a rebirth.

I say all this cliche stuff because I think, if this was me, there would be a strong urge to "sabotage" this unfamiliar good feeling, which I have done in the past and wound up at square one. go with it Jeff, It is okay to be feeling good, no need to feel guilty. I would give me left nut to be where you are.
jft


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## Guest

jft said:


> Hey Jeff. Great for you!.
> 
> I would give me left nut to be where you are.
> jft


I'd give his leftie, too, for the same thing.


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## berlin

I think that perhaps I too am on the road to recovery. I am frightened to say it incase I am clutching at straws. I ask myself what can change after four years? Something as insidious as this can't lift after all this time?

Your post has been so well timed for me and so uplifting. There must be hope...


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## freesong

It is so very hard to believe that this too could happen to me. I have been very discouraged but your post is giving me hope. I am so glad that you hung in there for all of our sakes as well as yours. Congratulations and thanks for sharing. I, too, hope that you will continue to come in here and post as you go through your transforming adjustment back into society and life again. God bless, freesong


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## Guest

Wow... what a post. Makes the once or twice weekly episodes of DP/DR I experience look trivial by comparison.

Congratulations, and thanks for the useful suggestions.


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## Space Cadet

Everyone should make a pact to come back here and share their recovery stories when they get better. It's really helpful to know people do actually recover from this.


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## orangeaid

Thank you for the post, We love these post. This is what keeps us hopefull.

Btw I tottally about the symptoms and facing your fears:

"only when you have given up everything are you free to do anything"
-fightclub


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## 1A

Thanks everyone so much for your kind words.

I'm going to make it point to post more often. I've been a members since August 2004, which I think is about the time the site was revamped.

I hope my future posts will be more organized. Normally I'm not all over the place like that. It's so hard to read or make sense of what I'm typing unless I learn to organize what I'm saying better. So I apologize for that.

There is no doubt in my mind that everyone here can recover and feel like themselves again. No more haze, no more icy walls, no more fog, no more feeling outside of your body, or like a robot, or a ghost, etc. etc. etc.

I'm still having these wicked headaches which I believe are part of the recovery. After all, my head felt so dizzy and "out there" for 11 years, so it would make sense that in order for things to flaten out up there, that there would be some tension, or a release of tension, while things gradually, over all, get better.

The important thing to remember is that setbacks are to be expected and nothing to worry about. You have a really good day, then maybe 2 bad days, then maybe 2 or 3 good days, then 1 really bad day, etc.

Eventually the body/mind connect again, and you feel like yourself again.

I know it's very hard to remain patient.

I still am in awe at feeling connected with no haze, feeling outside of my body. I am finding it hard to concentrate because, for the first time in more than a decade, I'm finally at ease, and at peace with myself and my environment.

I'm sure this will happen for some time, but will increasingly improve over the coming weeks, months.

I really don't know how to start over again now, though. That's the bizarre part. If you experience severe DP/DR with anxiety so bad that it causes agoraphobia and you overcome all this stuff, you really can't just say (at least I can't) "Well, okay, I'm better now" and go back to acting the way you did before all this started.

11 years is a pretty long time. You should also know that when you overcome DP/DR that your parents, friends, family, etc. will probably give you a one or two-liner about your recovery.

This upset me, initially, but then I realized that since they've never had DP/DR, they can't relate to how debilitating it can be. One family member of mine said "Glad you're better; so are you going to be looking for a better job now." That's it!!!

They just don't get it. After 11 years of this, I have to allow myself some free time to just soak in recovery for a while. It's a beautiful thing.

So don't get frustrated when you get better and family or friends aren't as excited as you, in terms of your recovery. They just haven't experienced something like this, otherwise their overjoy for you would be incredible.

Thank you all again for your very kind responses. I'll make sure to check back more often, on a regular basis. Probably daily.

And trust me, if I'm feeling really bad again, I'll let you know. Above all I want to be honest about the recovery, and track it accurately.

All the best,

Jeff


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## Monkeydust

I don't know what to say. Great post. It's always good to hear a positive story. Keep your head up and all the best to you.


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## Guest

Jeff, I know you're feeling less than perfect but your posts sound great. They seem infused with energy and maybe that's why everyone is feeling uplifted by them. I've been having nearly dp-free moments lately and the first things I notice are my energy and optimism, both of which are non-existant in my dp state. I'm going to take all the advice I've read here, because I know it could take a long time to recover and I don't want to expect more than can happen.


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## ComplicatedFool

Sup Jeff, nice post and great news man. I'd suggest to you to read the articles at the website http://www.learningmethods.com , they are VERY much alike of what you 'speak' off. Basically it says the secret "cure" is...NOTHING, do nothing at all...because the symptoms are a message, and we simply interpret them the "wrong" way. There ain't no right and wrong, we seek answers, yet...we know nothing. We'll go crazy if we seek so many answers, answers to what? Is there a question in the first place? Are those symptoms asking something? They DEMAND anything at all? Nope, they are what they are....they are our own messages.

Many times our behaviours and bodies express what the mind cannot, for example when I was a kid and my little brother was born I used to piss on my bed almost every night. Did I have some kind of prostate problem? NO, I was a jelous brat expressing my feelings towards my parents. Nowadas most doctors call all these "diseases" and "problems" panic disorders, social phobias, obsessive compulsive...and a million other names. But what if those "evil" symptoms are simply us expressing something but we can't even admit it? If I pointed a gun at your head and DEMANDED you to stop ****ing around with your life, whoops...now all the symptoms would magically disappear. See, maybe we think we really want to "heal"...but deep inside we don't know what the **** we would do with our "normal" selves. There is this quote from a Roman General that can associate with everything we do:

"Hannibal knew how to win a battle, he knew how to achieve a victory...but he didn't know what to do wth it."

...we can read everyone like open books. Except for ourselves, it's like we are trying to get FREE from OURSELVES...escaping ourselves, that's what the symptoms are, the SYMPTOMS ARE US, we are the symptoms and we can't escape them, ourselves. We think we are not alive and we are like zombies, yet...doesn't the anxiety YELL at you "HHHEEEYY you're so damn alive!!". We feel this way because we're so very alive.

I sort of understood the whole point is...that there is no point at all actually. The moment I feel "it" and "present" and "myself", I try to hold it as if I could lose it, as if I could lose my own self. Well folks, you're body is not going anywhere, and so is your mind, maybe the "cure" itself is the problem, we think we are helping ourselfs by doing the right thing, yet...is it truly the right thing? What is the right thing anyway? Humans don't come with an instruction manual.

I have/had dp too, and finally stepping out of it too...or should I say, stepping inside of it...chilling with the symptoms.

I had "spams" too...then I realized they were simple tickles. Let me give you a concrete example; if I am terrified of rabbits...I will think they are ugly and agressive, got killer cold eyes, and maybe I could actually get tense near them But what if I check the rabbit out closely, I realize it's quite the cute animal right? The eyes would start looking big and cute. The rabbit would look harmless. So it all depends the way you see things, it's all about perspective.

...and sorry for the mess, too lazy to organize. Best of lucks Jeff


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## Guest

Thank you so much for your post. I've had DR for 5 months now, following my first use of marijuana. The thing is, _before_ I smoked, I felt a click in my head and a change in my consciousness, I think caused by the intense fear/anxiety I had about what I was about to do (and this is what I credit triggering my DR, not the pot itself).

I have always been an anxious person, though i've never had panic attacks or seen a doctor about any such disorder. And, like some others on this forum, I think that my DR has been a "cover-up" for my dissatisfaction with my life. I'm a college freshman, I didn't get into my first-choice college with my best friend, which crushed me, and after HS graduation i felt like my life was going to be hell since I had no real plan and no direction. And now I'm at UT, and my DR started when i tried pot pretty much as soon as i got here, and i feel like i've cheated myself out of my freshman year, to an extent.

I thought my DR would get better over Christmas break, being back at home with my friends who I love and away from the stress of school, but it didn't. When I got back to school, however, over the past few days, I've felt like my DR has lifted some, and I feel a little more normal. I have no idea why this happened, maybe a realization that college is just college, and nothing more. I was so excited about the prospect of returning to normal. Then I got a shitty night's sleep two nights ago, and I kept thinking about my consciousness and about the symptoms, and I felt like I crashed back into the DR.

I'm going to check out "Don't Panic" from the university library, and I'll brobably be ordering "Healing Trauma" soon from Amazon.

Thanks for renewing my hope; too many of the people on this forum are so damn pessimistic.


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## julie13

Jeff,

Great Post, I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better! Now, aren't you glad you didn't have cancer instead???


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## Guest

Do not fear. Change is in the wind.


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## enoeht

Thanks for your postings, Jeff. It gives me hope.

I'm 36 years old, and I believe I've had DP since at least age 6 or 7.. I'm not sure which. It was either caused by head trauma, or the years of abuse I sustained due to an alcoholic parent. Or perhaps a combination of the two.

I started trying to commit suicide around age 9. I had my last attempt in 1993. Haven't held a job since 1994. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and put on a variety of anti depressants. Thus far I've noticed no significant change. I mentioned to my counselor that I thought I had DP, but during our next meeting it wasn't mentioned again. Now, I'm sure of it, and called her to tell her that I want to meet with a psychiatrist, and if they don't have knowledge of dissociative disorders that I don't want to meet with them. I can't have another person not understand what I'm going through and prescribe BS medications because they don't believe me, or think that my DP is drug related. I certainly wasn't doing drugs in my youth.

I just don't feel like I'm here. And as you have mentioned, the times when I begin to connect with my physical body, I either get excited or scared, and I seem to sink back inside myself. It's a pretty vicious cycle. It's a shame that anyone has to live like this.

I'm counting on finding a good psychiatrist that will help me with this, perhaps with a combination of medicines, or other therapies. It's good to know that you're on your way to recovery.


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## Pablo

1A said:


> The two books by Peter Levine are highly recomended and I believe were crucial to my feeling better. His first book is called "Waking the Tiger," and I haven't read all of it yet. You pretty much only need the first chapter in that one. His second book is more hands-on (less case studies) and is titled "Healing Trauma."


Hello Jeff, Peter Levine describes in his books that to heal you have to shake like animals do when let back into the wild to let go of the survival energy stuck in the body, I was wondering whether you actually experienced this shaking he describes? If you have shaked like this did you have a therapist to guide you or was it done yourself by doing the exercises in "Healing Trauma" ? Any tips towards achieving this shaking?


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## alig0r

I'm french, live with DP for more than 2 years due to a psychological trauma, i am oversensitive.

this post is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G, describe your experience as you made it is a gift to the our world.

I will order the books you spoke of, i wanted to cry... ( of hapiness )

Thank you.


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## shawn3406

Wow that was the best post ive read in this forum, i probably dont go on here as often as other people do, but your post offered a heck lot of hope and help and advice that makes sense.


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## hurricane12

BUMP GOOD POST


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## noneofya

wow...so inspirational, youve awaken a new fire in me to combat this problem with as much intesity that is within me...i shure wish though that you stayed in touch to help others. but your out living your life FINALLY after 11 years, take life tight and hold on!


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## Surfingisfun001

wow this thread is one of the most if not the most encouraging one's i've ever read on here. he hasn't been back since the year he recovered so that's saying something good right there.


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## johannes

What a wonderful post. The last 3 weeks i have been reading up alot on this and it has made me feel much better, i'm starting to accept it now..... But today was kind of a setback day but i feel better once again from reading your post, thanks alot! I try to remeber that it's not me thinking all of these fucked up thoughts and feelings, but it's easy to get stuck in the thinking. Somewhere deep inside i know i have my old self waiting for me, but being an impatient guy it can be really a drag. I'd love to hear some more of your advices on this thing, the key is not to fear eh?


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## dreamingoflife

> 1A wrote:
> I sometimes would get locked into a certain position and couldn't move. Like I was frozen. I once felt so dizzy and out of it that my arms were crossed and I couldn't uncross them. They eventually uncrossed but not smoothly at all. I habitually made very jerky movements, just because that's part of the nature of DP/DR, I think.


Thats how crippling my anxiety gets sometimes. It's like my body wants to freeze up and I feel like I cant move it or something. Happened in the grocery store recently and scared the piss out of me but I made it home thank goodness. This thread is encouraging and it gives me hope. He wrote his recovery and hasn't been back and that is awesome. I hope to have a recovery story like this one day


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## bettoman82

hi somebody know about the hormones imbalane have relation with dp/dr and what do u know about Harris harrintong program ?


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## blueswan

Amazingly helpful dear Man. Wow......i can relate to so much that you say.
For sooo many years.....23 to be frank...iv had this disorder.....but have been misdiagnosed all this time.......
such a relief to be in a recovery phase AND know that complete recovery is possible.
THANK YOU for your courage........and all the hell you have gone through...wow....you are now able to be
a beacon of hope for others x x x x


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## odisa

I haven't read your entire post, but I just wanted to say that it is very inspiring to read of someone who has had DP for such a long time and has now recovered.
Thank you very much for coming back to tell your story, and I wish you the best!


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## PeterMe93

Great thread, wish he were still around here.


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