# Stepping through the looking glass.



## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

One moment I'm Googling for information about my visual issues and then the next I'm here and usually I can leave a site after getting the info I wanted. I had no idea what the acronyms DP or DR meant but I just had to them them in the search bar. <roll eyes emoticon>

Now I feel I can contribute at least a few moments in my recent history where I would feel a little disconnected when I would be explaining something to someone but I actually enjoyed those moments. To be aware of what was happening and still be having the words effortlessly roll out of my mouth without having to think about them. Just to be on autopilot for a few moments and be able to think about something other than what I'm forced to at my job is always nice in my book. I do it all of the time when I'm cleaning the store and while I've always tried to have a 3 track mind the total lack of a connection with my physical self was a little more new. This happened as I was talking to someone and all I could hope for was not to raise her suspicion that maybe I was on drugs or something.

Technically, I should be used to feeling disconnected but that's mostly with just the outside world. I'm depressed on days that my mind dwells because I'm almost always single and I self medicate with cannabis which has always worked out great for me. I didn't start smoking until after high school and I've found that weed removes my constant issue with being waaaaay too self conscious and hyper aware. It allows me to focus my concentration and actually get something intellectual or creative accomplished. It's the main reason why I left the military because I couldn't find myself if all I did was what I thought other people wanted me to do.

What brought me here are visual anomalies like tracers that shadow any moving object and I was curious what it was called. Now I know it's called HPDD, (I think). Man, these acronyms are tough. Basically how I see it is that now that my brain is wired to see floaters and tracers I'm always going to notice them whenever I pay them enough attention. I've always noticed floaters in my vision long before any drug use but I won't deny that my past LSD, cannabis, ecstasy, and mushroom use aren't a part of it. It's been about a decade since I've done anything other than cannabis but I'm fully aware of the lasting effects of LSD and while I've never had a re-trip (despite the number of times I pop my back a day) I would be surprised if my LSD didn't have had an effect on my vision.

Maybe I've been too optimistic these days but the visual anomalies have been more like a blessing than anything. Nowadays it's more likely for a moving object at the corner of my vision to be noticed and I can ascertain with more notice or speed if I need to take action. I've even learned to embrace my self consciousness and I do what I can to keep from feeling like I have my head under the sand. I don't take any other medications and I consider myself to be a rather healthy individual who has a mind that likes to take on more than it should which is why I have a penchant for Red Bull. A drink that can at times induce the feeling of disconnection and does a lot more harm to my body than weed will ever do.

Now I'm worried that it may get worse because whether of not it was originally chemically induced it is something that still happens even when I decided to quit just about everything except caffeine. Then again I don't know what to think for even though I have never considered myself to have ADD I do get rather sleepy with enough caffeine, No Doze my ass! I got away from my ex-fiance and her borderline personality disorder years ago only to find myself with my own (not nearly as made up) situation. Then again I can now probably better understand how powerful perception is to the human brain and how even just an overactive imagination is enough to go down a path best not taken.

I hope I don't sound conceited or boastful but I understand how the written word can be, (don't forget how self conscious I am). I'm just a weird guy who's a realistic optimist with idealistic tendencies. I like to think that if I can find a way to do something positive or constructive than anybody can do the same. Well, that was before I began to wonder if I was some kind of mutant when I started noticing things about myself that perhaps isn't common to all humans. If only I had realized that I have had an eidetic memory this whole time but that's what I get for only knowing the Hollywood version of someone with just photographic memory. I suppose I may as well just change my name to Sheldon Cooper.

Anyhow, the visual phenomena that I first really noticed was something that happened a few years ago when I turned my cars wiper blades on just to test the fluid sprayer which does not work. The wipers moved across the windshield with relative ease but I noticed the after shadow or tracer. Sure, it's normal for most people to see motion blur when looking at fan blades or spinning wheels but not with something moving so slowly. Then again I was the kind of kid who enjoyed to try to watch a single blade on a ceiling fan for as long as I could if it was spinning extra fast. Over time I've learned how to notice the tracers and to ignore them when needed but there are times where it's still a bit odd. For instance I realized it's the black and white checkerboard patterned flooring of my workplace that makes me feel a little motion sickness when I look at my phone for longer than a minute. Also the visual snow I see when it's super humid outside before it rains still makes me think I'm seeing the water molecules dancing around.

I guess it's too soon conclude my mutant status but thanks to the power of suggestion anything is possible. My main mission is to be helpful and I think I can be of service because I am a Jack of all trades and MacGyver.


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## valdezz (May 29, 2011)

A lot of people get them even those who don't have DP/DR. I recall a time in 8th grade when I saw a little field of static and floaters around my eyes, also when foolishly looking at bright lights for too long was I able to see "tracers". My friend who I consider one of the most mentally healthy people has told me he also experiences seeing a field of static and eye floaters, specifically after his experience with LSD. Also a close friend of mine has DP now because of his ADHD medication and has trouble with lights in the dark. I've strayed away from researching any further in the past 2 years because my DP was practically gone I did not feel the need to entertain the phenomenon any longer but I feel like drugs have the ability to distort the way the brain receives stimuli (lights, sounds, and touch) haha probably the most basic conclusion and an obvious one but I haven't put much more thought into it scientifically speaking. I'm assuming it messes with blood flow in the brain, I noticed it getting worse when I work out.


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

I understand that but are you telling to just forget about what is on this site and to find one dealing with one of my issues?


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

Okay, I know when to take a hint. I'll show myself to the door.


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

I cannot say I feel very welcomed here. What isn't said says more than what is. Maybe everyone here is too casual or not very social.


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## valdezz (May 29, 2011)

RLS said:


> I cannot say I feel very welcomed here. What isn't said says more than what is. Maybe everyone here is too casual or not very social.


OOPS sorry I didn't reply I was just not on the computer for a while. There are so many people posting constantly and it's hard for others to reach out because they are also struggling with the same thing you are. Continue to surf through this site as it is a tool and has helped many people. This site was a big hit with its chat system and that's what helped a lot of people find some immediate comfort if you were looking for it. It sounds like you don't really suffer from DP though!


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

I would agree that I don't suffer from DP but that perhaps I'm more predisposed to have the symptoms because sufferers of HPPD and DP or DR have A LOT in common. The one thing missing in my case is bewilderment. I found this site only because I finally got around to Googling my question about always seeing tracers and the very top search result was a topic at this site. http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/22388-tracerstrailsghosting-getting-bad-at-times/ So far I've read the first few pages and the list few pages but I have already learned a lot or rather realized that my own conclusions were valid after all. I don't think anyone from that topic is still around so I don't see any reason to post there but I figured I might create a new one but I wanted to introduce myself before I did.

The biggest thing I've learned at least is that I'm not the only one who sees stuff like this and technically *anyone *can probably see what I see just as *anyone* could possible have to deal with DP or DR at least once in their life. Conditions have to be just right and it sucks more for those how are genetically predisposed for it but it doesn't discriminate just because someone thinks they are fine.

It takes a lot to really throw me for a loop for there's not much of a reason for me to be around other than for the destiny I see that's almost out of reach. I don't have any kids or a significant other who would care if I was gone and of course I wouldn't want to commit suicide if only not to create sadness for my parents and siblings but if I wind up having ALS or any kind of terminal illness I would okay with it. It flies in the face of my visions, (not the visual phenomena but something better and perhaps the only reason anyone should think of me as "crazy" except for perhaps my belief of what happened thousands of years ago). So, I would be rather intrigued to see if things turn out differently or how I've seen them.

Okay, back to the point. The more I think about what I read about here the more I can relate it to everything that has been happening to me lately. For instance I got a cut from glass at work that required to me get 4 stitches and this was the first time anything like that had ever happened to me. The accident itself was feeling-less and even though I caught the (fully filled but minus the fish) betta bowl it still tapped the counter and shattered into a million pieces and a large chuck of the bottom stabbed me in the left palm. I quickly grabbed a paper towel from the roll just within reach before any blood ever came out. I stepped back and pretty much just stood there trying to figure out what to do or say to my boss before he finally walked back there to check on the noise of the bowl crashing and the water going everywhere. His first question was, "Do you think you need to go to the hospital?" and my reply was, "I might". The store owner who I believe was a nurse in a previous life looked at it and said that I needed stitches and during this whole time my hand hadn't been hurting.

I guess I've always wondered what would happen if I ever did get injured like the people in online videos who mostly make a lot of noise and make things worse. In my case I didn't flinch or make any screams over then perhaps a gaddammit. I didn't cradle my hand like it was baby and I think most of the blood that almost got on my was from a small cut on the back of a finger that I didn't see at first.

The reason why I relate this to DP because of the lack of shock. I even made the comment that I guess it ain't shock if you are perfectly aware of everything. Well, I could go on but I'm about to be late for work.


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time. I guess I have no reason being here. I didn't think I had to justify my reasoning without a real discussion. I hope not everyone gets this kind of welcome and slipping through the cracks is the story of my life.


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## valdezz (May 29, 2011)

I've known people to be a part of this forum and not be a victim of DP, i think youre just as welcomed as anyone! in fact you'd probably be of some assistance to others seeing as how you don't suffer from DP you might give people some insight on how your thought process works and your view of your reality seeing as how everyone here struggles to find a consistent grasp of their reality/thoughts. You're also right, I've read about instances of DP that are caused through being happy or going through a joyous experience so it doesnt discriminate! Lurk the forum man and join a convo, get your word out and people will listen.


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

I'm not the kind of person who looks for the next ailment to add to the list and I didn't intend to relate to what others had posted about their experiences with DP/DR. The topic where someone mentioned a time when their hands felt infinitely small while the steering wheel felt infinitely large really knocked it out of the park for me. So far every topic at the HPPD forum includes at least one person who mentions that they also have DP/DR. I didn't come here to be diagnosed but rather to share my experiences and I didn't get a single question. I cannot tell if what I write is truly being read.


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

Wtf?


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## RLS (Jun 6, 2014)

Darn it, I can't seem to quote messages with my phone but thank you Valdez for the awesome reply! Now that's how you make someone feel comfortable and at the right place! I'm more than positive that I have the ability to help others with their state of mind if I can find the opportunity.


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