# First post. Need some advice pls :) (long sorry!!)



## 647shordyx (Feb 20, 2020)

Im new to this forum, but ive read a lot of the post on here, ans im looking for some advice or support, because im honestly shaken up snd extremly freaked out.

Im a 17 year old girl, who has a decently great life, although Im diagnosed with severe ocd, borderline and phobia/gad. Ive always had problems with dissociation, but never this extreme and NEVER with symptoms of dpdr. Until this summer. 
I play travel softball, and it can be pretty intense sometimes, and this summer I endured multiple blows to the head and spine. Ever since then ive been in and out of dpdr. Ive had 3 episodes and now in ny 4th. The first one was from laced weed, the second from stress and the third time a panic attack. After my last episode, which lasted just over a month I thought I was completely 100% recovered, I felt back to normal and myself again, I didnt even remember how it felt to feel dpdr and I never thought it would come back, but the thing is I didnt fix it persay, I masked it and supressed it, which I guess made me feel normal again, So I sticked with it lol. 
Anyways, from December till about 4 days ago, I was doing well again, felt back to normal and no worries about dpdr or dissociation. But during this time my ocd was almost debilitating and I didnt realky work om reliveing my anxiety or anything, so a HUGE fight with my parents 4 days ago and built up stress, lead me into this episode. The night I fought with my parents, I could feel the brain fog starting to come back- so I just tried to relax and went to bed immediately. The next morning I woke up snd I was literally back into a full blown dissociation and dpdr episode. Im just extremely sad and disheartend it came back, I felt soo great, apart from the ocd, and now its back ruining my life once again. 
My symptoms can be really scary and uncomfortable too. One of the worst ones is deja-vu. When im not in these episodes, I love having nostalgia moment and deja-vu here and there, as well as flashbacks. BUT when im experiencing dpdr, its utter terror and I dont get why. 
I get deja-vu and random flashbacks of literally any memory 24/7, memories that have nothing to do with what im doing, and it makes my chest hurt, heart pound and stomach drop, I get in full shear terror. It feels like im getting thrown back into that memory and my mind will reset or something to that time and my memories from them till now will erase or something, my therapist says its just an intrusive thought loop from my ocd and im pretty sure it is, but im still scared asf lol, and im wondering if anyone else feels this too. Its like im stuck in a memory loop and not in the momemt or in reality here, its terrifies me. I also get the blank mind symptoms, mostly because my mind while in these episodes are just in these intrusive thought loops. My biggest fear is that this whole time I felt normal, I was actually in dpdr and now im
Not, that ive always had dpdr and now I dont so Ill go pretty much back in time. Ik thats just an intrusive thought but this 24/7 deja-vu bs is making me really believe it (I read this fer on here a few times)I just dont feel like myself again, at all. When I feel these flashbacks it feels like im more relatable to me when i was like 7 then me last week when I was fine, again Ik its my ocd but its scary. I recovered from this last time, but now its scaring me again, not sure how to calm down again, im im constant panic and fear because of this. Thanks for readinf and sorry this is soooo long.


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## 647shordyx (Feb 20, 2020)

Also I literally cant talk to anybody anymore it seems like, im awkward and my mind goes blank apart from thinking about feeling this weird deja-vu. Its worse in the daytime as well. Im just mentally uncomfortable, thinking about my memories I feel like im getting stuck in them and I cant even think of the future (planning or just overall thinking about it) without my mind going blank or I feel a weird feeling of uncomfortableness. This happend last time ans in magically went away.


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## 647shordyx (Feb 20, 2020)

I keep adding omto this but im an extremely outgoing and confident person, but during these episodes im self-cautious and vI cant talk to anyone, not even my friends, I just feel numb and blank


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## AnnaGiulia (Feb 4, 2020)

@647shordyx,

Sorry you feel this way. I can only confirm that I too live in this hellish state of permanent flashbacks since I first got diagnosed with DPDR three years ago. It would get more intense occasionally, and also it would subside from time to time, in particular when I kept my focus on something else (usually professionally, when I am tight with deadlines). However, most of the time in the last year or so I was constantly torn between depersonalization, when I do not feel like myself, and detailed, persistent memories flooding in, in form of flashbacks. They feel as if they are happening right now. I mean I literally feel that I am of certain, younger age, in a particular year of my life, reminiscing of the tiniest details that I didn't think of for decades...I actually think that intrusive thoughts are plausible explanation, such as your therapist suggested, but I am reluctant to believe that our brain just sends images out of the blue, I always think there must be some more coherent brain pattern at work there.

Anyway, take care, and I hope you get better soon.

Cheers,

A.


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## 647shordyx (Feb 20, 2020)

Thank you for your comment, I feel relief someone else is also dealing with the same thing, and that im not the only one cause it feels like that sometimes. 
But same with me exactly, all these memories that have no significance or that I dont even care about are flashing through my mind, its soo weird. Last dpdr episode it happend for like 3 weeks straight and went away, I just find it intresting how it even happends. 
Goodluck and hope you recover soom too )


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I thought the cannabis I smoked was laced as well. It wasn't. I was different. I belonged to a small minority of people who react as I did, to cannabis. Quite a few of them visit this forum. Deja Vu is a common symptom of focal temporal lobe seizure. If I were you, I would undergo an ElectroEncephaloGram to rule out

any observable symptoms of neurological illness, such as epilepsy. A seizure doesn't have to render you unconscious. It can simply disorientate you. If , at your age, I knew what I know now, it could have saved myself 40 years of suffering from the symptoms you describe. You can be seen by people

who will tell you this, and tell you that. Trust me, they don't know. I saw them, too. Then I figured it out and got an EEG, and that put me on the road to recovery.


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