# Forgetting my identity



## isthisit (Sep 15, 2011)

hey guys , iv had DP/DR 3 months.
I started celexa 20mg and went up to 30 mg and have noticed a huge improvement as before that I was right about ready to end it all , but that really has helped me a lot.
I am back at university back out with friends out meeting up with people etc.
I also dont have DR what I do have is this FEAR that I am losing my identity.
In my head I try and think about who i am and I dont know.
Well i do know but i freak myself out into thinking I dont.
Then I start to become really aware that im inside my head and I have an identity and Im someone and it really panics me.
i start to think about what a human is and it freaks me out ?
noone else would ever notice this is happening and everyone thinks i am fine but can anyone relate and give me any tips
id be so grateful!

Thank you


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## theoneandonly (Nov 17, 2010)

Just divert your mind to think about something else when this happens. The obsessive thoughts are what contribute to DR.


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## bec222 (Sep 26, 2011)

isthisit said:


> hey guys , iv had DP/DR 3 months.
> I started celexa 20mg and went up to 30 mg and have noticed a huge improvement as before that I was right about ready to end it all , but that really has helped me a lot.
> I am back at university back out with friends out meeting up with people etc.
> I also dont have DR what I do have is this FEAR that I am losing my identity.
> ...


As the poster above said, diversion is key! You aren't losing your identity because its very hard to actually change who you are, you only feel like you are because of DP and the way it makes us obsess internally. Keep doing what you are doing with socialising and things can only get better.


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## bec222 (Sep 26, 2011)

double post


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

isthisit said:


> hey guys , iv had DP/DR 3 months.
> I started celexa 20mg and went up to 30 mg and have noticed a huge improvement as before that I was right about ready to end it all , but that really has helped me a lot.
> I am back at university back out with friends out meeting up with people etc.
> I also dont have DR what I do have is this FEAR that I am losing my identity.
> ...


You're lucky. You haven't completely lost your identity yet, that's good. Mine left me a long time ago, leaving me stuck selfless, without a voice. It was sort of like I pulled the central thread by which my entire identity/life was held together, unraveling the whole damn thing. And as I've discovered, once you've uncovered an illusion, it's impossible to reinstate it. For me, believing in a self is like trying to return to the days when I unquestionably accepted the existence of Santa Claus. It won't happen because, like Santa Claus, the self/identity has no grounding in reality. Your doubts and questions are not without basis. If you follow your thoughts through to their logical conlusion, you will discover that "identity" is nothing more than a convenient fiction designed to help us get along with other people within the artifical meeting grounds of society. It is also supposed to, but fails miserbly, at protecting us from the fear of death. On a more positive note, this is not say that there isn't such a thing as a "postconventional self", one stripped of all its bogus ornaments and founded purely within one's experience of the big Self (that is, the body and its emotions) in close relationships. Not many people get there though because there's no one thre to coddle them through the process. It requires strong inner fortitude, faith, and relentless courage to get to the other side. The process is called "individuation" and how you deal with it will affect your entire life's trajectory from here on out.


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## isthisit (Sep 15, 2011)

@ backing pineapple , do do you not think this is part of DP ? do you think I will get past this ? I am very scared at the prospect of losing myself fully

thank you for your replies it has helped me I am trying to just stay postivie and active as a physciatrist said this would help the healing process

I just want myself back


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## isthisit (Sep 15, 2011)

I suffer from very bad anxiety and panic attacks which is how this all began this paragraph from anxiety no more really helps me and gives me hope that this is just a symptom of anxiety for me and not some philisophical journey for me.
I have faith that i am still there under all this anxiety waiting to reimerge , iv seen bits already but i guess i am being impatient

People often say that no matter how hard they try, they don't feel like they can interact with the world around them. They feel a sense of detachment from their surroundings, finding it hard to talk and connect with others. Also they feel no love for the people closest to them and even question if they did a certain task or had a particular conversation. The most upsetting thing is they lose a sense of who they are and can't seem to perceive themselves as being normal.


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## jd99034 (Dec 2, 2008)

Fear seems to be a big part of this, which is why CBT works wonders- teaches you different ways to think, to block negative and obsessive thought patterns, etc. Though I have felt and experienced DP existing without fear as well. The fear has come second to DP, and beforehand as well.

Personally, I never had luck with SSRI's and would recommend you do your own research into them. By that, I mean research that wasn't put out there by the people who sell or manufacture them. Sometimes they can make DP worse, they did for me. And getting off of them is no easy task. But everyone is different and what works for one, may not work for another and vise versa. There are tons of people who say that drugs help them, this was just not the case for me, and I think it's a band-aid type remedy for a gunshot type wound.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

isthisit said:


> I suffer from very bad anxiety and panic attacks which is how this all began this paragraph from anxiety no more really helps me and gives me hope that this is just a symptom of anxiety for me and not some philisophical journey for me.
> I have faith that i am still there under all this anxiety waiting to reimerge , iv seen bits already but i guess i am being impatient
> 
> People often say that no matter how hard they try, they don't feel like they can interact with the world around them. They feel a sense of detachment from their surroundings, finding it hard to talk and connect with others. Also they feel no love for the people closest to them and even question if they did a certain task or had a particular conversation. The most upsetting thing is they lose a sense of who they are and can't seem to perceive themselves as being normal.


Looking back, I apologize for such a dramatic post. I don't really believe everything I write, sometimes I just write things to see how they sound. When I wrote that I was feeling really philsophical and smart, but now I think it was a bit silly. This tendency to see myself through many different lenses is definitely a major part of my DP. But whatever. I ultimately believe that we still have a self, that we are still intact underneath it all, and that what we're experiencing is nothing more than a complicated defense mechanism protecting a person that is way too sensitive around other people. As soon as I feel totally safe and understood, i feel like I come alive and my self is fully expressed. But since this happens very rarely I'm tricked into believing that I really don't have a self, which is silly.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> Looking back, I apologize for such a dramatic post. I don't really believe everything I write, sometimes I just write things to see how they sound. When I wrote that I was feeling really philsophical and smart, but now I think it was a bit silly. This tendency to see myself through many different lenses is definitely a major part of my DP. But whatever. I ultimately believe that we still have a self, that we are still intact underneath it all, and that what we're experiencing is nothing more than a complicated defense mechanism protecting a person that is way too sensitive around other people. As soon as I feel totally safe and understood, i feel like I come alive and my self is fully expressed. But since this happens very rarely I'm tricked into believing that I really don't have a self, which is silly.


as a philosophical analysis your post on the non-existence of the self was really on point. I don't think your post was silly, perhaps it was a little dramatic - but I liked how it sounded as well









Who's to say whether the self is real or not. Even if it is non-existent, I certainly enjoyed the illusion of the self while it lasted.


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## toshibatelly (Sep 13, 2011)

If you're socialising then you're half way there already, as others have said, diversion is the key. Focus on anything but the bad feelings and life will become much more bearable, dwelling on them only makes it harder for you. I'd advise you to steer clear of alcohol and drugs where possible, it can only end badly; if you find that they relieve your feelings to some extent you may end up using them as a crutch (and then you'll have a substance abuse problem as well as DR/DP), and if they make you feel like shit (which is most likely what will happen) you'll...feel like shit.

As for "identity loss", it is, as others have already said, just your mind playing tricks on you, this isn't Alzheimers you won't forget who you are. Anxiety and depersonalization go hand in hand, to wit depersonalized and derealized people are necessarily made anxious by it and when you're anxious your internal dialogue goes into overdrive so you start thinking, "What if I forget who I am?", "What if I go mad and kill myself?", "What if I start seeing things or hearing things?". It really is just a nasty side effect of anxiety, it's well known but worth repeating, mad people don't see that there is anything wrong with them.

In terms of practical help all I can suggest is doing what I do when I feel dissociated from myself (i.e. "Who am I?" feelings), do something familiar, watch your favourite movie, call or visit your parents.


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## isthisit (Sep 15, 2011)

Toshi ,
That was exactly the post I needed to read.
Thank you so much.


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## toshibatelly (Sep 13, 2011)

isthisit said:


> Toshi ,
> That was exactly the post I needed to read.
> Thank you so much.


No probs.


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