# What Is This(depersonalization disorder?)Help



## neutral (Apr 3, 2011)

Hello Everyone on the Forum
This is the first time I am writing on this forum; in fact the first time I have ever mentioned these experiences openly. It is good to find a place where this can be discussed.

I want to mention my experience since it relates somehow to depersonalization disorder. But I really do not know what has happened.

I have neither brothers nor sisters nor have I seen my father in my life. My mother has never been physically well, nor was she in a good condition to look after me. I must have moved home 7/8 times by the age of 15. I had never had a conversation with my mother, nor did she take any particular interest in me. My extended family was quite small and I had little contact with them. I can only remember my mother kissing me once in my entire life. She was living on welfare benefits.

I saw the above situation and wanted to change it. And the only way I saw was through education. 
I had desire, motivation, self-belief (no one around me was educated), dedication, hope and a belief in a better future. I worked hard at school with no help from anyone else (hell, we did not even have any books in the house) and achieved excellent grades, including a number of A grades. The road was open.

I have never done drugs, alcohol nor do I smoke.

It was here where the problems started. Believe this or not, when I went to college I did not know what neither degree nor what university was. All I knew was knowledge. I decided to study the sciences at advanced level but quickly realized I was not learning anything, just repeating words. The other pupils felt the same.

I was waiting for the bus to college when all of a sudden everything began to feel unreal. This felling lasted for only a few seconds but it was the first time this happened.

As I realized I was not learning anything, I began to think that one day I will come to 'true' knowledge. I began to feel unreal, as if I am going to the motions. Any emotions/qualities I had before (ambition, being the main one affected) was gone. Gone was the idea of going forward (if I had it in the first place, since I did not know what forward was (university, degree, etc)).

I still had motivation, self belief, dedication but I was not applying it to the right channel. I began to read extensively about the world and did discover what I was looking for.

Most of my friends did not do well in school (our school was in a deprived area and the pass rate was only 15%), so no one I knew was going to university.

I must add, I did not go to university and this was because of the above.

The above is NOT a complete account of my experiences. I do have difficulty trying to put them into written form. Can someone please explain what happened? How is it possible for someone self-motivated etc. not to understand going to university etc whilst having achieved excellent grades. How can they lose ambition?

Any feedback will be heartily appreciated and I will reply and relate further experiences.

Thank you for reading the above.

[email protected]


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## Felicity (Feb 7, 2011)

Hi there, welcome to the forum. From what you describe, it does not seem like you have depersonalization. I think you have suffered a collapse of your grounding beliefs, and feel somewhat out of it now. A loss of ambition is fairly common, much more than DP, though the two can coincide. Your situation may have been exacerbated by your lack of a supportive family. 
In any case, I hope you find your ambition again and can go to university.


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## neutral (Apr 3, 2011)

Thank you for replying

You say "I think you have suffered a collapse of your grounding beliefs, and feel somewhat out of it now."
I understand what you're saying and I think I can relate to that but what I did want to know is how can you become a totaly different person, especialy since your foot is now in the door?And you are doing something you believe in? What had hapened?

Thanks for your time


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## Chlothar (Mar 24, 2011)

I'm not claiming to be an expert or anything, but a lot of the classic DP/DR symptoms seem to be missing from your account. As Felicity said, a loss of ambition could be a symptom of many things. I think that all you need to do is refocus. Think about what it is that you want to do, and why you want to do it. Want it again. Want it enough to go and get it.

In any case, I hope you're feeling better soon.


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## Kpanic (Sep 12, 2010)

neutral said:


> Hello Everyone on the Forum
> This is the first time I am writing on this forum; in fact the first time I have ever mentioned these experiences openly. It is good to find a place where this can be discussed.
> 
> I want to mention my experience since it relates somehow to depersonalization disorder. But I really do not know what has happened.
> ...


I am confused... DO you have DP/DR now, or do you just have passing feelings of DR/DP?


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