# Feel like I'm forgetting how I used to be, and in turn what my symptoms actually are.



## FirstAid (Nov 19, 2018)

It essentially started in june but had been experiencing other symptoms at the beginning of may and has progressively gotten worse, caused by a moment of panic over my depression.

from October everything changed it was like I gave up, at that point my head felt weird and it felt sort of relief for a moment and since then anxiety dissappeared, identity has disappeared, sense of self, can't even recognise my own consciousness, can't even think or get an idea to wany to do something, emotions have dissappeared.

I stopped being able to recognise how I used to see things and how I felt connected yo myself, in turn stoppedtrying to focus on seeing it that way again, and not focusing on said things.

Head feels empty and can't automatically think, my ability to think is gone it feels more like i'm dissociating but I'm not in a dreamlike state, the certain thoughts I have or the constant informing myself of my own symptoms which feel like I'm telling someone else my own symptoms like my thoughts are outside myself, seem to be happening in realtime where as if before they felt like I was drifting off in thought rather than being in the present.

Alot of the thoughts I have I could recognise before october and shut off and somewhat refocus,now I have lost the ability to do so, thoughts and memories sound and feel the same yet I somehow realise they are different.

my vision is clear but my head mind feels sort of like its somewhere else lingering outside of me, like I'm looking at things but my eyes are outside of my body.

Cannot focus or engage in anything, I can do activities/work without issue but I know I don't feel connected to myself in anyway, yet I can't remember how that feels.

Few months ago I used to be able to ground myself abit and feel somewhat inside myself, now its like im completely outside as if I've disconnected completely.

So in turn I am still aware things are not what they were and that they are wrong, just now I can't seem to feel those symptoms or in a way recognise them due to nearly forgetting how I used to be.

When I go to speak to people its like talking to thin air, I can't connect or direct my speech, like you know when you talk to people they become your only focus in that moment it ends up me just recognising my voices feels wrong and sounds like im talking to myself, but have currently have no self so essentially feels like im talking to someone else.

I always recognising that my voice feel as if it's far away and not my own, I used to recognise its stronger but now I'm not even sure.

As right now I don't know what to do,feels like there is no point going on.

A couple of months ago I'd think how crazy it was I could lose who I was in the space of 8 months, but here I am.

Anyone similar, or if anyone has recovered with such symptoms? Feel like im losing more and more everyday, I don't want this to become a reality and lose the symptoms I have, its like the only reminder of how I used to be.

Just hope I can who I was back and feeo whole again, really feel like the way I think at the minute won't return to normal, can't even remember what normal was really now but I know it isn't this as I have been aware of every change since it all kicked off, as of now I'm in a state of confusing because I cant even centre myself.


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## itwasonlyjustadream (Sep 2, 2018)

Honestly you described the symptoms so perfectly I'm in awe. I feel you 100%. The thing about not being able to recognize your own voice is one of the worst symptoms in my eyes. Do you also feel like you can't focus on the content of what you're saying because your brain is busy trying to process the fact that the sound of your own voice makes you painfully aware of how you practically have no identity? Because that's how I always feel when I talk. I feel like people think I'm stupid when I speak sometimes because I can't collect my thoughts properly.

Unfortunately I can't give you advice since I also can't remember what feeling "normal" is like.


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## FirstAid (Nov 19, 2018)

itwasonlyjustadream said:


> Honestly you described the symptoms so perfectly I'm in awe. I feel you 100%. The thing about not being able to recognize your own voice is one of the worst symptoms in my eyes. Do you also feel like you can't focus on the content of what you're saying because your brain is busy trying to process the fact that the sound of your own voice makes you painfully aware of how you practically have no identity? Because that's how I always feel when I talk. I feel like people think I'm stupid when I speak sometimes because I can't collect my thoughts properly.
> Unfortunately I can't give you advice since I also can't remember what feeling "normal" is like.


I have more symptoms I guess like persistent music, like I'll hear something on the tv like a song and ny brain seems to focus on it. For instance was watching outlander last night and the song was stuck in my head, even when I got up this morning. I used to be able to shut it off and become somewhat grounded, but now i can't.

Yeah its sort of like that, like the subconscious is saying why the fuck is ny voice like this, I have a habit of deciding what to say next aswell like, it will pop up in my head but I will decide whether or not I should say it. The whole process was different before all this.
Do you know if anyone with success stories with such symptoms? Pretty new to this site really, I kind of wish I would of got on here earlier to tell my symptoms as I have progressively gotten worse.


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## Fromhollandwithlove (Aug 24, 2018)

Wow, this is me 100%.. I'v also been reading your other topic called 'Is this DP? please help' and it's scary how similar our symptoms are. So you are DEFO not alone in this brother.

Specially these parts reflected on my own experience perfectly:

"Keep telling myself of my own symptoms but since I don't recognise my own consciousness anymore i cant recognise my own thoughts, even though i know they are mine they don't feel like it. *Feels like i am talking to myself in my head rather than thinking naturally, like ill ask myself should I go down stairs whereas usually that would be a automatic decision, its as if im completely out of sync.*

When I tell myself of my own symptoms its almost as if I dissociate like im making up that im telling someone else of them, *I sometimes make up conversations before I start them, keep thinking of memories and saying thinking i remember that.* I used to be able to cut the off and stop such thoughts outright, now I can't, it's as control has been taken from me and I can't remember how to do it anymore. Nothing feels natural it feels like i have completely lost myself."

"I have a habit of deciding what to say next aswell like, it will pop up in my head but I will decide whether or not I should say it." (Wow, 100% me.. Sometimes I do this aswell, to stop myself from feeling so 'automatic', it gives me a sense of 'control').

--

Whenever I feel even a GLIMPSE of emotions (wether that would be happiness or a sence of connection to other people) i remember what it's like to be 'normal'. I'm pretty sure that we somehow have to connect to our own emotions, which will eventually make us whole again... Problem is, how the fuck am I supposed to do that being DP'D so heavily..

I have been reality checking ALL the time during DP'D and this has made things far worse for me.. Because now I even started to doubt my reality checks..

I'm starting an intensive psychotherapy course soon which hopefully will get me out of this situation..

Stay strong..

And yes, if there is someone who recovered from these specific symptoms, PLEASE respond.. Or atleast made there lives more manageble..


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## Jackk11 (May 9, 2018)

Yep that’s all me. Exact symptoms. Unfortunately don’t know how to get back. Gonna try a few things.


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## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

I understand what you are talking about. sometimes I feel like my soul is slowly disappearing but leaving my body on auto pilot which terrifies me. almost like my body and my mind/soul are two separate things, but I know that is not how it is supposed to be. I am slipping away but am clueless how to stop it and get myself back. Sometimes I'll catch myself talking but it doesn't feel like me talking or sound like my voice. right now I am living deep into both DP and DR. both of them together is horrible. I am not hopeful anymore but my husband is. I hold onto him as much as I can. he seems to think that more involvement with the world will help but its hard for me to interact with anyone cause I can't even interact with myself the way I used to.

I don't work anymore cause it was just too difficult to be in customer service. I just walked out one day. Left my computer logged in (big security risk). my coworkers. my supervisor and just never went back. Never even answered the damn phone when my supervisor called me worried about me. I just couldn't. I stay inside almost all the time now and the only people I really talk to anymore is my husband and my grown kids when they aren't busy with their own lives. Maybe this forum will help. It seems to be the only place that truly gets what we are all going through. I wish I had a way to help you since that would mean I found a way to help myself but I don't know how to do that. Maybe someone else will. :/


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## bintuae (Jan 17, 2017)

FirstAid said:


> It essentially started in june but had been experiencing other symptoms at the beginning of may and has progressively gotten worse, caused by a moment of panic over my depression.
> 
> from October everything changed it was like I gave up, at that point my head felt weird and it felt sort of relief for a moment and since then anxiety dissappeared, identity has disappeared, sense of self, can't even recognise my own consciousness, can't even think or get an idea to wany to do something, emotions have dissappeared.
> 
> ...


It's like I wrote your post myself. Many people here seem to have anxiety with the dp/dr, but like you, I don't even feel anxiety anymore. Just completely physically and emotionally numb. Chatting with people became painful (no connection, voice sounds weird, barely able to think of things to say),so most times I'm just quiet. I know it's the numbness making me involuntary dissociate, because I had fleeting moments when it suddenly went away, and then it was like I woke up and returned to my old self.

I find grounding technique doesn't help neither trying to identify with emotions. The trigger was the heavy use of antidepressants and me severely stressing out and being devastated over my sudden unexplained depression turning into a complete vegetable. Antidepressants esp SSRIs, make me even more emotionally flat to the point I become a zombie. But Lamictal is the only AD I tried that gives me a bit of emotions even though it's a mood stabilizer!


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## bintuae (Jan 17, 2017)

The reason why you don't remember how you used to be is cuz you're in the thick of dp and from how long you've been in such state, it became your way of life. So let me remind you. When you wake up from this nightmare, these are the things you'll most likely feel:

- Everything looks colorful, lively and rich

- You feel shocked and in awe at how life can be so much different without it. It's like you were born again

- You can see through the dp and realize how stupid dp is. You may wonder how such a thing even exists

- You feel like you've joined the human race again. It's very easy to connect with people. You focus on the actual conversation and nothing else

- You feel very happy that you're dp free but then feel scared because you're facing reality once again. You realize there are so many things you have to do

- You feel strong self identity. You don't only feel your own presence, but the presence of animate and inanimate objects too. You and your body become one. You gain control of yourself and life. It's like you broke free and the evil imaginary person who you had been a puppet to, had disappeared

- Suddenly everything has significance and value to it

- Healthy range of emotions makes you very engaged with everything in life. You're an active participant not an observer

- You can focus your eyes. You can focus on whatever you want. There's no longer brain fog.

plus many other things I can't recall for now.


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## FirstAid (Nov 19, 2018)

bintuae said:


> The reason why you don't remember how you used to be is cuz you're in the thick of dp and from how long you've been in such state, it became your way of life. So let me remind you. When you wake up from this nightmare, these are the things you'll most likely feel:
> 
> - Everything looks colorful, lively and rich
> - You feel shocked and in awe at how life can be so much different without it. It's like you were born again
> ...


I really hope so, But I can't even muster hope at this point, this shit is worse than the sadness and depression beforr I had this, at least then I had a self and could connect, atleast then I felt human.

Best of luck!


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## FirstAid (Nov 19, 2018)

bintuae said:


> It's like I wrote your post myself. Many people here seem to have anxiety with the dp/dr, but like you, I don't even feel anxiety anymore. Just completely physically and emotionally numb. Chatting with people became painful (no connection, voice sounds weird, barely able to think of things to say),so most times I'm just quiet. I know it's the numbness making me involuntary dissociate, because I had fleeting moments when it suddenly went away, and then it was like I woke up and returned to my old self.
> 
> I find grounding technique doesn't help neither trying to identify with emotions. The trigger was the heavy use of antidepressants and me severely stressing out and being devastated over my sudden unexplained depression turning into a complete vegetable. Antidepressants esp SSRIs, make me even more emotionally flat to the point I become a zombie. But Lamictal is the only AD I tried that gives me a bit of emotions even though it's a mood stabilizer!


Kind of similar actually, years ago on my course of isotretinoin I believe I became depressed. 
My forehead felt numb and everything felt flat compared to before, had a bit of a panic attack and over the next 2 weeks I wouldn't get off the couch and just wanted the day to be over, went back to work but wasnt the same. Over the following months I believe I had Dr but didn't know it, vision was abit weird and ears felt like the were blocked and voice sounded odd, a member of staff said that it will be down to your cold which I believed. I also had these thoughts like I was the only person in the world and everyone was spectating me like I was an experiment, I dismissed these thoughts as bollocks and said how stupid, how can all these people and everyone on the Internet all be faked. So I just got on with my days, went to work etc. Sometimes I would look at my parents and think who the fuck actually are they? But just dismissed it and carried on.
Eventually I was just sitting on my lunch at some point and coughed, noticed my voice didn't sound weird any more and when did I get back to normal. Seems like in early stages the key was dismissing it and letting it be, of course I didn't know what it was at the time.

Anyway. In april, what interest I had in anything dissappeared, that spark you have in your head to go and do something, be interested just vanished. I went to gp and decided to get some antidepressants, I had been fighting this depression among other things for around 3 years without any help and it only got worse, I also couldn't concentrate either, I would zone out in work. Anyway I took a sertraline, then later that night or the next morning I read up about roaccutane reducing the orbitofrontal core by 20%, as soon as I read that I panicked, I wanted to cry but couldn't my head felt numb, a pain a warmth building up from my temple, I thought I would never get emotions back which is mainly what i have wanted for the last 3 years despite not doing anything to actually help myself, only suffered, literally paced around the house wanting to cry. Mother heard me and said oh I have looked after my mum with her ilnnes and I'm not having it with you. Which was cruel.

Anyway its went from there, googling each day symptom checking trying to find out exactly what it it. Each time I googled I made it worse I became more numb, each time I went back trying to reassure myself to find a fix.

Knowing now all I had to do was relax and go to therapy potentially which was initially offered when I first became depressed.

May post a thread for everything I have done wrong so far as I feel hopeless atm, maybe someone else can avoid falling further than they need to.


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## montrealcanadiens1996 (Sep 18, 2015)

That was by far the best description of what dp /dr is (at least for me). I can relate on 100% of the stuff you say. all I can suggest is finding healthy outlets that actually make you feel happier then what ur baseline is, even if u feel number than u did before. Try and focus and do as many things that illicit a positive reaction from your mind. Continue sharing how u fEel.

i know whats it's like to feel so far gone and lost that there's no way back, but people recover from this.

Stay positive and good luck.


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