# Hello Everyone, Depersonalization/Derealization Help



## LukeJ77 (Dec 8, 2016)

Hello everyone, I have been suffering from the symptoms of depersonalization/derealization for about 3 years now. I am 19 years old and until recently the symptoms weren't too bad and I just associated them with being tired. I have never really been an overly social person, I didn't have many friends during high school although I had a couple groups of friends that I hung out with on a regular basis. Throughout my life I never felt I could really connect with people emotionally or really become emotionally invested in their lives, I want to its just impossible for me for some reason.

Anyways, this past summer I made the decision to take shrooms with a few of my friends, I told myself that I would take a small amount and my friends would be there to help me through it if something went wrong. The first mistake I made was to agree to do them in the middle of the night in a park, once the shrooms started to kick in I also made the stupid decision to smoke a bowl and after that I was basically in a nightmare. My friend also smoked a bowl and passed out and I thought he died, I had the feeling of being disconnected like I never had before. My voice didn't seem like it was coming from my body, i didn't feel my body move when I walked. For example I was swinging on a swingset when it really hit me and I immediately stopped and I walked around but my body still felt like it was moving back and forth and my legs weren't moving. This combination of feelings as the night went on made me feel like either I died or I went into a coma.

Since the trip I have new symptoms of depersonalization and some old ones that are now even worse so I will list them: I feel detached like never before, my head feels like its in a fog, I never feel well rested which causes me to sleep for 10-12 hours sometimes because I can't wake up which makes me feel even worse because oversleeping is bad for your body. I now see floaters and black splotchy shapes in my vision as well as I have visual snow, i see kaleidoscope-like shapes when i am in a room with no lights on so therefore I always keep the lights on when I sleep. My short term memory was never good but now it is even worse, it feels like my hands aren't mine, its hard to explain but its like my peripheral vision is blurry on the very outside of my vision. I get lots of glare from things like streetlights at night whilst from each streetlight there are like individual beams of light that come from the light and into the centre of my vision. I have also had instances of sleep paralysis however i think its a separate issue and not directly related with derealization, if I am about to go into sleep paralysis I hear a high pitched whine and then a whoosh like a train is going by or there is a heavy gust of wind, this is followed by my whole body feeling like its vibrating. After the vibrating i am unable to move or speak however I can see and I have had an instance where I was trying so hard to move and then I heard a voice which sounded like my mothers coming from behind me so I did the best to turn my body to look. Unfortunately i was only able to raise my hand and then i swear that I saw a hand reach from behind me and touch mine. Now I know that this is a separate issue but the sleep paralysis plus all of the previous issues have really been overwhelming. Its caused me to think that I am in a fabricated world and everything happening is because I'm being put through some sort of test or game and it feels like hell. It doesn't help that 2016 has been a pretty bad year overall with the U.S election, brexit, many celebrities dying like prince and muhammed ali etc. It makes me feel like im living in a literal hell.

I can't really hangout with many people because I always feel like they are playing me in some sick game, I always feel like everyone is being sarcastic to me and whenever someone says something to someone else that I can hear they are actually talking about me or referring to something that I'm thinking. For example if I overhear someone say "Oh my god I can't believe he hasn't figured it out." I over analyze what they say and I think that they are referring to me figuring out what I am a part of or that I am actually not in the reality that is around me. I also have an issue where i can't make sense of what people are saying if two people are talking to me at once, so it makes it really hard to go out to parties and social gatherings even though I really want to.

I finally decided to take action and I went to the emergency clinic in a hospital nearby a few days ago because I got fed up with all of this. I waited for hours and when I finally got to talk to someone they said that they can only refer people to a psychologist who are schizophrenic or basically crazy which I understood but it was still disappointing. He told me to check out the help provided at my college and see if they can refer me to a psychologist. I hope this works because if not I don't know what to do.

I've told my doctor most of whats going on and he made an appointment with a neurologist when I go back home for Christmas but I don't feel like that will be much help. My relationship with my girlfriend has not been good ever since this incident, I can't connect with her and most of the time I'd rather be alone than be with her. I avoid arguing with her because i hate it and it always seems like shes trying to argue with me about not seeing her even though she knows about my condition. In August I told her that I can't be there for her and she deserves someone who can actually take care of her and not treat her badly but she said that she'd rather be with me even if I can't be there for her. It seems like she doesn't care about that though and she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Due to these things, I feel like I'm depressed and it gives me anxiety.

I feel like I'm going crazy but I just want to feel normal again, whatever it takes. I need help but its hard talking about it because my symptoms get even worse, I know I have to grind through this feeling and talk to people about it because its the only way I'll be able to truly feel better. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but I hope its fine, this has been a long post and thankyou to anyone who has read this far, I really appreciate it.


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