# fading back into the real world bit by bit :)



## Eurythmic (Sep 17, 2005)

A year and a half ago i underwent a combination of highly stressful events and terrifying drug related incidents and landed myself in the world of anxiety, depression and last but by non means least, depersonilization.

To be honest, those first 4 months of despair and intense fear, i can remember very little of other than the knowledge that they were by far my most desperate and low months of my life, i was 16 and had just left school.

But now, a year and a half on from that time, i feel my brain slowly beginning to shift back into its original state and i am positive and confident that i will return fully to my pre DP disposition.

If i had read what i am writing now back then, i would never have believed myself, from where i was back then, there was no way out, i believed how i was feeling and what i saw around me in the world was the truth and that i would be in that state for all eternity. There was no concievable answer although i rigoursly kept searching and searching for one to cure me of my dp state ,and i had that feeling where you feel so locked up in your own brain that you feel you cant interact with those in the world, with the world around you as nothing is reality and nothing makes sense, the world was in a terrifying shifted form.

However, i pressed on, i forced myself to continue interacting with the world, by starting college, by getting a job, even though i would have to endure panic attacks, intense numbness and distance from my 24hour dp and the dizzying lows of depression. Most of you, if not all of you in this forum know what all of the above feel like, and you all know just how impossible and inconcievable it feels to be able to continue with this old life you once had and understood which now projects itself as completely alien.

Bit by bit, small victories were won, and yes there were on occasion dips in my slow struggle out of the black hole but slowly i began to crawl out. A key victory was when i was on a college trip to the hospital and i endured a panic attack whilst we were all sitting in a very enclosed room, initially the alarm bells went off in my head, PANIC PANIC PANIC, but on this occasion, a small voice said 'just let it pass, it will pass, don't resist it, just let it flow through you' and i did just that and sure enough it slowed, that was a significant conscious victory, after that i had a few anxious moments but the panic attacks have since then stopped, i'm not intensly nervous and anxious and then constant circle of thought of fear of having a painc attack quietened down in my head.

About 8 months after first falling into the hole, my depression began to ease also, but without me conciously noticing it as i was concentrating so much on the outside world and building my life up again around me, giving myself a sense of purpose and meaning, that there was no room for depression to drag me down again.

Depersonilization has been the one that has stayed with me the longest, that is still with me now, but i know i'm moving out of it. The world seems more real, i am slowly easing myself back into it. I don't fear it anymore, i think that is a key change in my steps to recovery. Everytime i would think about my dp (which for the first few months was constantly) i would well up with fear that i would never know reality, i was frustrated as i wasnt in the world and thus leading to depression. But as i began to focus on the world around me and see myself making a more positive impact ,the need to be fearful of my dp diminished, i understood what it was, and i accepted that the world around me was reality even though it didnt feel like it and so everytime i would conciously realize i was still in dp i wouldnt get that initial jolt of fear, i had just grown accustomed to it and let it be (very simmilar to the anxiety attacks).

Then a few weeks ago just as i had cycled into college and was putting my bike away i turned to look at college and i watched everyone walking to their different lessons and i suddenly said to myself "how could i ever feel that i wasnt here" and for a few brief seconds i really couldnt understand how it was to feel depersonalized and how it was to feel like i was in a shifted reality. Then the dp slowly hazed back over but i didnt mind, i just let it happen and got on with my day but then i new for definate that progress was being made, but i didn't pay much attention to it as i've just learnt to accept it whatever state its in as is it was it is and the world is what it is and i know whats reality no matter how hard my brain tries to trick me otherwise.

And this is where i am now. By accepting that this world is reality, and just letting the dp be, i've been able to focus on everything around me, i've been able to reconstruct my life, to be me again, the person in the mirror is still a little distant, but it doesnt bother me it just is and thats fine, it will change, but in time, if i get a set back i will just work myself out again.

I am confident that everyone is capable of recovery, from those who have had it for a few days to those who have had it for 17 years, i believe by just accepting it, accepting it for what it really is - a shifted view on reality, and by accepting that the world around you is reality no matter how far away and in that hazy bubble you feel. You may be reading this and thinking i don't understand how i could ever feel like that as my dp is so strong and has such an impact on my life its like an inescapable cage, i too felt like that, i too read peoples success stories and although they gave me a vauge glimmer of hope that maybe one day i would be cured, i could not for the life of me understand just how they could see a world beyond DP, a world free of anxiety and depression, but please believe me, there is a way out, there is a way out for everyone.

It's not an overnight cure, its done by winning small vicories over time, victories that you may not even be conciously be aware of. It's by walking out of your door in the morning and into the grocery store when you feel like running out and screaming with the sheer immense amount of panic that you feel inside of you, its about getting up and going on a bike ride when you feel so depressed you cant get up in the morning, its by focusing a little bit each time on the world around you, finding things that you can give attention to outside of your brain, its by letting these emotions _be_ within you and continuing living this ghost of a life you felt you once led.

Step, by step i promise, you will get out, but don't focus on the immediate need of full recovery, put your energy into focusing on the small victories and the big victories will come with you even noticing.......until one day you stop and you think "how could i have ever felt i wasnt here," and continuing your day as you did before dp.

I hope this has helped you, or given you a vauge glimmer of hope that you will recover (because you will)
if you ever want to contact me about anything DP related, please dont hesitate:
[email protected]

thankyou,
elli x


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## Guyver-Gabriel (Oct 29, 2005)

i know exactely what you mean because i think i am there,too. even though this might not mean much and is a 'premade' sentence...'LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT' , 'REALITY is WHAT YOU MAKE IT'...even though we ve been hurt by vaarious things which are part of this 'thing' we now deny... we have to face stuff and settle it...thats the only way... its not necessarily a violent fight with reality...its more like a wordless discussion with yourself...your inner hurt wounded self...talk yourself into getting to do small things...step by step...you'll learn to walk again. and you would have learnt a lesson. falling down is not a crime.

Gabriel.


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## zhqhqn (Aug 15, 2005)

Eurythmic said:


> =Then a few weeks ago just as i had cycled into college and was putting my bike away i turned to look at college and i watched everyone walking to their different lessons and i suddenly said to myself "how could i ever feel that i wasnt here" and for a few brief seconds i really couldnt understand how it was to feel depersonalized and how it was to feel like i was in a shifted reality. Then the dp slowly hazed back over but i didnt mind, i just let it happen and got on with my day but then i new for definate that progress was being made, but i didn't pay much attention to it as i've just learnt to accept it whatever state its in as is it was it is and the world is what it is and i know whats reality no matter how hard my brain tries to trick me otherwise.


Is there something about bikes and college that makes this happen? Because I especially get this exact feeling you describe when I'm locking my bike coming into college in the morning. It is another small victory in the personal fight with DP.


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## vin (Mar 8, 2005)

a reet good read. I'm with you all the way on this one! keep going, I'll race u!! see u at the finish line x


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## Tom (Jul 20, 2006)

you dont understand how much this has helped me  ive had it for around the 7 months now and i see what you mean about winning small victories and building up step by step  it makes me happy to see other people reocvering and getting back to the way they wanna be no matter how small or large, take care

Tom


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## Mule (Sep 5, 2005)

Great read, being the same age i can relate to that, ive had this since i was around 13, and its come back alot recently, so i thought i'd come back here to see how everyone else is doing.

glad your feeling better, hope i and the rest of us can join you!


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