# really hopeless



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Hi all,

Sorry to start off my first post with such a pessimistic and sad topic, but i would like to share what is going on with me right now, and see if perhaps someone can help me out.

I've been experiencing this hell of a thing called Depersonalization for about 3 weeks now. At first I started off feeling more depressed than usual, crying, and realizing that something was just NOT right. eventually i saw my doctor and she put me on Abilify to help with the depression. anyways, after about a week or so, thats when i started realizing that i did not feel like i was "here." that i was not in reality. thats when the panic attacks started....about 3 every day. i would wake up and start panicking when i realized that this ''feeling'' was still there, and then again when i wanted to go to bed i felt as if my heart was going to catapult out of my chest. this went on for 3 days or so. now for the past 2 weeks, ive been in severe dp, where i feel disconnected from reality ALL THE TIME. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. it will never leave, not even for a couple of min. i am unable to feel any emotions, (e.g; like if im listening to music, i wont be able to connect to it, FEEL it, and i end up turning it off. same with watching television). i want soo bad to just feel my emotions again. i have tried explaining these feelings to friends and family by saying that it feels as if i have a ''transparent wall'' separating me from everything else. as if im in a bubble. ive read soo many posts on here by people who have recovered and are feeling better and their advice was to not think about it, and to try and go on with your daily life, and that eventually it will pass.

here's my thing tho...im not only depersonalizing really really bad, but i feel like im in this rut of hopelessness. i have had depression for many years, but i have never felt like i do right now. there is no coming out of it. i keep telling myself 'this is it,'' your life is never going to get better than this. i am just hopeless, hopeless, hopeless. i dont want to go on with life. if i am unable to experience or feel any emotions, then why even live?!?! i keep thinking about overdosing...i just dont know how much longer i can keep going on with is hellish reality. i dont really want to kill myself, but i need help! im already on 4 psychiatric meds, including Lamictal, Wellbutrin, Remeron and Abilify, and nothing is helping. in fact, i was already on these medications before the dp, so i am convinced that it has nothing to do with my medications. i just dont know what to do anymore. i want soo bad to just go BACK to how i was before. honestly, u have no idea how good u have it, until something so simple as ''your normal reality'' is taken away. i have a feeling that G-d is trying to test my patience, but oh boy, do i wish he would do it in another way. i have already told my doctor about the DP and she says that it will go away with the Abilify that she just added. my gut feeling is telling me that this thing will not go away with medication. i guess it just has to take its course. but HOW LONG is my question?? ive read people's posts on here that says that they have dealt with this for 10, 20, 30 years....FUCK. im having trouble making it thru next day, how am i gonna go 30 years with this? ughh, i am really sorry for just rambling and complaining, but i really do not know how much longer i can take this. i just want it to go away. i have a couple of optimistic posts on here by people who have gotten better and recovered, but even reading those dont seem to be able to pull me out of this dark abyss that ive found myself in... =[

my question to those who have gone thru/or are still going thru this...how do u cope/deal with the suicidal thoughts when they come? how do u cope with the hopelessness and helplessness. do i just have to keep telling myself that its going to get better? i dont know...i just want to give up and die.

also, on another note, ive done quite a bit of research on depersonalization treatment and have read that research has shown some success with the opiate antagonist, Naltrexone. my doctor is not willing to prescribe me this, as she says that it hasnt been proven to work in a large number of people. has anyone tried this treatment, and if so, has there been any success?

at this point, i need something, anything, to just be able to survive and go on. *sigh*
input would be greatly appreciated.
-Sandy


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## codeblue213 (Feb 15, 2010)

I've heard that Naltrexone can have some withdrawal, but most meds do. I have had DP for 18 years, but everyone's different. Mine came on from the one only time I tried acid. But I've had some goods years where DP really didn't effect me. I'm suffering a bad relapse now and am going to seek help. Maybe try some new meds I hope.


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

hey sandy, this is a copy and past from another thread, these links were posted by a member called G.I.T.S, hes studying the effects of these drugs also.

I found the information about treatments with opiod-antagonists at several sources.
Here is one link which describes the treatment:
http://en.citizendiu...zation_disorder

http://www.neurotran...nalization.html

http://whenpanicatta...its-of-business

The first and the third link are better than the second one.

http://jop.sagepub.c...bstract/15/2/93
The pilot study

The results with naloxone are spectacular. In 3 from 14 patients depersonalization symptoms disappeared entirely and seven patients showed high improvements. Results like that i never saw in treatments with other meds (SSRIs,SNRIs,Lamotrigine, neuroleptics).

And combinations with Naloxone are not tried till today i think. But here could be the most potential.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

thanks for the reply tommy, but none of the links work =[ 
maybe because it was copied and pasted. not sure ...

ive read about the benefits and potential that naloxone has...i mean reading that single statement which says says, ''3 people's symptoms disappeared, and another 7 were highly improved'' gives you hope right there!!

but unfortunately my stupid doctor is not willing to try out that treatment because she says that the research was done with so little people, and hasnt been furthur studied to work in larger populations. and she's put me on an anti-psychotic, Abilify, which she says will help. i honestly have so little hope about my medications helping with the depersonalization. i mean i was already on Lamictal, Wellbutrin, and Remeron, when the DP started, so...

Do you think you could you try to email me the links perhaps, instead of pasting it on here?


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

heres a link to the original page where they were posted they should work there.

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/20259-to-easyreader/page__p__183287__fromsearch__1&#entry183287


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## G.i.t.s (Feb 13, 2010)

WTF! please dont tell me that you are taking all that meds at the same time????!?!?!?
What are you taking at the moment? nothing ? abilify?

In which phase of your life are you? are you studing? working? school?
Are you under stress? or feeling one?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

yes, i am taking all of those at the same time. ive been on them for about 11 months. and my doctor just added the Abilify at a low dose.

Lamictal- 350 mg
Wellbutrin-150 mg
Remeron-60 mg
Abilify-2 mg

As you can see, most of them are at really high doses, except for the Abilify. I was on these meds waayyy before the DP started, so i know for a fact that my DP isnt caused by my medications. And i have little to no hope that any of my medications will treat the DP. my doctor keeps increasing my meds every week, thinking that it will help, but i want to yell at her and say, "STOP! these meds are doing NOTHING! please give me something else!" i had asked her if i could try naltrexone, after reading about the positive benefits it had on some people, and she said no. i am honestly really frustrated and feeling hopeless almost all of the time, because i feel as if NOTHING will help me feel better, and that i am destined to stay this way forever.

today i am having really bad brain fog. its almost as if my head is in a cloud and i cant see anything straight. or for example, not wearing your glasses and having blurry vision. i want to keep crawling into bed, and pull the covers over my head...its hard to deal.

Also, on another note, i am wanting to try out the supplements that Tommy had written about on his post, but dont know if they will have any interactions with the medications that i am taking. Honestly, i have more hope in the supplements than i do in my own medications. When your that desperate, you are willing to do ANYTHING to get better. thats where i am right now. ive only had this for a month, but i cannot imagine living like this for lets say a year, or two.

Sorry for always writing really long replies. Its my OCD haha.


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## hd83 (Jan 10, 2006)

sandy said:


> thanks for the reply tommy, but none of the links work =[
> maybe because it was copied and pasted. not sure ...
> 
> ive read about the benefits and potential that naloxone has...i mean reading that single statement which says says, ''3 people's symptoms disappeared, and another 7 were highly improved'' gives you hope right there!!
> ...


Try to ask your doctor for naltrexone, it has definitely helped me.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

hd83-

I took several of the documents that had shown the research done on naltrexone to my doctor, and she said that she thought the atypical anti-psychotics would help instead. I'm pretty sure she's going to refuse this treatment once again, thinking that increasing my current meds will help.

Are you taking any medications in addition to the Naltrexone?

What areas do you feel that the medicine has helped you with? Do you have a better sense of reality, has it helped clear the brain fog, and are you able to better feel your emotions and connect with your surroundings?

Does it have any bad side effects? I read somewhere that it could make depression worse.

If you could reply back, id appreciate it.


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## G.i.t.s (Feb 13, 2010)

SORRY but i have to say that your doctor is a dumbass. She doesnt know what she is doing!
The Meds that you taking have many interactions with each other!
Nobody could calculate with all that Meds what in your brain happens and im sure no good Dr. would let you take all that Meds at the same time.

First you should go to an other psych/neurologist to get an 2nd opinion about taking all that meds at the same time.
And dont take the supplements of tommy at the same time!

And please dont think about taking a new Med again. Your brainchemistry must be very chaotic.

1st. go to an other psych/neurologist for an second opinion about all that meds.
2nd. if he has doubt that taking all that meds is a good idea.
you shoudl better change your doc and tapering but very slowly all that meds (but really slowly and not all at the same time (one after another))

This will take some weeks. But after that you are clean and ready for a new try of recovery!


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## WANTTOBEBETTER (May 4, 2009)

codeblue213 said:


> I've heard that Naltrexone can have some withdrawal, but most meds do. I have had DP for 18 years, but everyone's different. Mine came on from the one only time I tried acid. But I've had some goods years where DP really didn't effect me. I'm suffering a bad relapse now and am going to seek help. Maybe try some new meds I hope.


Hi Codeblue, 
I see you were induced by acid. that sucks, one time and you suffer for 20 years. What are you symptoms like? mainly visuals? All Dp/Dr unfamiliar with your self and surroundings, feel like you are tripping?
What exactly are you going through? Did the Acid trigger the DP/DP or did it cause HPPD with DR/DP? What bothers you the most about your condition?
Just concerned.
Thanks,
Greg


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