# Its impossible to live like this....



## Guest (May 1, 2007)

Its just not possible to carry on a 'normal' life like this. Times when I try to go out and have a good time, only to leave immediately because i feel so fu cked up inside.

All day I have been stressing myself out.....in agony trying to cope with these stupid obsessive thoughts I get, and all of the messed up feelings i try to cope with every day. I can never be free from them....it seems. ever. I was lying on my bed....just trying to get some peace of mind...and my mind kept going back to thinking of the fear i feel when I think about certain things. I literally couldnt get my mind off of it. I just started thinking about it while i was dozing off....I didnt' try to fight it anymore. whats the point.

but something happened after that. when i got up to go to my friends house...its like i was frozen in that moment. I didnt feel like myself. I felt like somehow, i was still trapped in that feeling of fear i was dozing off to. It had to be DP. i had to leave his house. I couldnt sit there any longer. I felt like i was going out of my skin. Im sure he probably thinks im crazy now. it was so abrupt i just left. 
I hate this, I hate all of this goddam shit. why cant i just have a normal life. why cant i just be free from these stupid fears and goddam obsessions for once in my goddam life. I am trying so hard to go out and move on with my life. but i just cant, cant until i move past these fears lodged in my mind. What it feels like, it feels like fear has grooved itself into my mind. Its just there, and everything i think tends to be on the angsty side now. It started out with one issue, only when i would think of one issue.....but it spread to everything else. I only have to think the thought of anxiety, to get anxiety now. and its a sticky kind of ruminative fear. its scary. and it makes me feel distant and obsessive. I hate this beast. I really hate it. I wish there was some way to just eliminate all of the fear in my life......if it is even fear.....i dont know it feels like i am crazy. I have lost all of my friends because of this. I am basically one step away from being a shut in. Its absolutely heart sinking how a problem can spiral out of control and just ruin a whole life.

I don't know how i am ever going to get this problem under control. I have read the Claire Weekes book. She talks about this kind of fear extensively and how to deal with it. I guess I am just a slow learner, or I am not applying it right. I dont know...but all i know is that this problem is not resolving itself. I am trying to button up and fix my life now. But it feels so hopeless. I have to get a new therapist. I think therapy is a waste of time. I have seen so many therapists in the past, who have said they could help me, fix whatever is wrong with me. But they couldnt. They were full of shit. and just wasted my time and money. 
It just feels like this never ends.....Sometimes I want to put a plastic bag over my head and duct tape it around the base of my neck. I was thinking of it earlier today. But I didn't. 
These problems....they are just so strange....I realize I cant sit here and dwell on this because its no good. But I cant seem to get my mind out of whats happened. or this damn strange state where I just feel anxious and distant......and where i seem to just think about how messed up i feel. 
Its like my mind is stuck on the experience.....fear has done that to me. I cant close this doorway of fear...and its wreaking havoc in my life.

I guess its back to the Claire weekes book again. And trying to just move on with my life. Even though I keep thinking about how strange i feel inside. i feel literally locked into the experience. All I can think about is this deep feeling of constant fear i feel. and how am i going to get rid of it. cuz with the fear there in my life, occupying space....i cant feel nothin else. I want it fuckin gone. I just wish i was normal. for gods sake. I just wish i could get rid of these feelings. and another thing. all i can seem to think about is worry thoughts. how do you not worry so much. goddam this.

I cant rest like this, I cant relax around friends with this, I cant ever relax with myself with this shit inside. Ever. This is horrible.


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

Is this a 24/7 experience for you or is it worse during certain times of the day? I have these same sensations and thoughts but usually only in the morning or on Monday's--I felt like a$$ this morning, weird obsessive thoughts about fear, anxiety, insanity, but as the day progresses I usually feel a lot better. My thoughts are a direct result of stress at work, or failure to put it bluntly.......I'm not performing well this year--along with many other people in my company--but then this one co-worker who's kicking butt keeps on reminding me how he's going to make $250,000 this year which evokes all these weird feeling s and anxious thoughts because I'm not the top dog in sales. Have you identified what the underlying reason is for your negative thoughts and obsessive rumination?


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## Guest (May 1, 2007)

This is a little private. But i dont really give a shit anymore....its sad.

most of my fear is related to sexuality. IE, anything related to anything sexual, basically has caused me to feel strangely inside....for as long as i can remember. I cant seem to extinguish it, or whatever. Or feel normal about it. I mean maybe i do...idk. i have no idea anymore. i think i am crazy. like my brain is broken or something. now its not just about sexuality. its like that fear in itself from that original cause....it has turned into something in its own. something bigger. it has ruined my life. this is all i can think about. i am completely in hell 24/7.

i cant free my mind or my life from it ever. its alwyas there, lurking in the background. haunting me.

I think i am screwed, literally. I push people away, I deprecate myself constantly, and out of habit. i have fifty million things pushing me in the direction of self destruction. i ruin opportunities for myself. I seem to do most everything wrong, or make things worse off for myself. I think I am better off dead. Because I cant take my life anymore. its become a nightmare, with no escape.


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## medo (Dec 19, 2006)

Just see a good shrink and a good therapist and u ll be OK. OCD is treated well.


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## Hopefull (Dec 1, 2006)

Hi Eric,

you say your fear is related to sexuality. Can you be more specific.
Does sex make you angry.

Bailee


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

That`s a common fear and one of the worst fears you can have as a man along with the fear of insanity which for me its schizophrenia lol (due to my excessive cannibas smoking altho it wasn`t skunk or anything strong just your normal sh*tty oily soap bar). My sexual feelings are all altered and confused as well and i don`t look at girls anymore and go PHWOAR lol which i used to do since i was about 10years old until i got ill aged 18, i just can`t feel normal that way at all i joked to my mum about it and my m8s saying cos i`m ill and all these mad thoughts pretty scary tbh and make me dissociate even more when they appear, it`s all explained in the linden method tho as he had the same thing when it came to sexual thoughts and its also one of the most terrifying thoughts for people with obsessive compulsive disorder as well as thinking you`ll harm the ones u love etc. I very rarely get "the horn" like i used to and it feels strange now but i was a very healthy hetero male b4 all of this and i mean very healthy lol now i`m just plain weirded out and don`t enjoy the thought of and don`t enjoy my distorted and perverted thoughts which aren`t gender specific tbh and scare the SH*T OUTTA ME man so don`t worry u aint alone.


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Eric,

FYI...I am not pissed off at you. That's absurd. I get pissed off when my dog shits on the carpet and walks in it. But you venting? Hardly piss-worthy. 

Listen, pal: One of the first things you need to do is compartmentalize the "stresses" in your life from your mental health. They are two separate beasts. One is environmental; the other is biological. Sure, they feed off one another, but they are not irrevocably intertwined.

You talk about school and insurance and this and that. I want you to think about solutions to those problems. No matter how crazy or impractical they seem. I want you to list what those solutions are, for me. This will be the first step in me curing you. And don't laugh, or dismiss me.

If you do not provide me with this list, I *will* be pissed off.


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

who`s fyi lol? wrong thread? :?


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

fyi = for your information


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## Ni Hi Li St. (Jul 1, 2006)

I don't want to sound naive and don't want to get your hopes up, but I have a feeling that I may be onto something here. I wouldn't be surprised if it's been said already though.

I think it's already great that you're at least able to identify your fears and go as far as telling people here all you know about it. I'm pretty sure that the psychodynamic approach to the problem would be to take this a step further and look more deeply into these fears and their origins. This I'll admit is really tough, which is most likely why the psychodynamic solution isn't very attractive to some people.

To relate this to my own experience, I myself usually dwell on obsessive thoughts and ruminations whenever I come in contact with a fear. Just recently, I noticed that these thoughts were used as a comfort zone to prevent me from experiencing that fear. I don't know if that's the same in your case, but it's something you can find out. Perhaps you keep coming back to these thoughts moment after moment since you're unable to face whatever fears you have.

So if you can, first find out why exactly you fear them and why you run away from them. Even better, make sure you feel safe and comfortable before making such an endeavor. Perhaps once you conquer them, you'll stop running away and stop obsessively thinking in your comfort zone.


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## Guest (May 1, 2007)

Coming?Back2Life said:


> That`s a common fear and one of the worst fears you can have as a man along with the fear of insanity which for me its schizophrenia lol (due to my excessive cannibas smoking altho it wasn`t skunk or anything strong just your normal sh*tty oily soap bar). My sexual feelings are all altered and confused as well and i don`t look at girls anymore and go PHWOAR lol which i used to do since i was about 10years old until i got ill aged 18, i just can`t feel normal that way at all i joked to my mum about it and my m8s saying cos i`m ill and all these mad thoughts pretty scary tbh and make me dissociate even more when they appear, it`s all explained in the linden method tho as he had the same thing when it came to sexual thoughts and its also one of the most terrifying thoughts for people with obsessive compulsive disorder as well as thinking you`ll harm the ones u love etc. I very rarely get "the horn" like i used to and it feels strange now but i was a very healthy hetero male b4 all of this and i mean very healthy lol now i`m just plain weirded out and don`t enjoy the thought of and don`t enjoy my distorted and perverted thoughts which aren`t gender specific tbh and scare the SH*T OUTTA ME man so don`t worry u aint alone.


Wow. that is crazy.

I think its been so hard for me to accept because like u said....as a man, its the worst fear you can have. because it threatens your very manhood. And ive had to deal with that. its not been f*cking easy. And i was never soft to begin with. I have always been a guys guy. so thats why i feel sometimes my attractions weren't normal.

I have no problem with people who like people of the same gender. Infact, I think its great. Fantastic. If you can find someone who you can be with and have it be healthy and work together...that is the greatest thing that can happen in this world. I am all for that. 
Where I run into problems.....is that I, deep inside of me, feel as if I created these "neurotic" sexual impulses out of fear of them. Its kind of a confusing concept to understand. But basically, what i am saying, is that I was so homophobic to begin with...that maybe me being homophobic, made me start liking guys.......like a self fullfilling prophecy. Almost like me thinking about the notion, and because i didnt want it, freaked me out. and then i sort of liked it. and then i sort of started wanting it sexually. and then i would freak out even more. Its very disturbing to have happen. 
So, like the conflict is......i always have this underlying fear that whatever my attractions are now.....are not healthy. because they "might" have been created by fear. I am not saying this is FACT. But the very concept of it makes me neurotic.

and i havent been able to resolve this within myself. If i could convince myself that these attractions were there to begin with, and therefor "healthy"....not created out of homophobia.....then i might be able to rest inside. and accept myself. But i struggle with this constantly. 
Its all very confusing. Like i said......to fear something so much, and have it disturb you...literally like a phobia....and then to start liking it. It is just terrible.

What do you guys think about this.?


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Oh, this "manhood" stuff is all baloney. Homosexuality was good for the Greeks, so it's good for me. They built one of the planet's greatest civilizations, and virtually all men in Greek society had homosexual relations.

Did you know that it was absolutely common for a young man - figure in his early to mid 20s - to be encouraged, if not commanded, to have a relationship with a teenage boy before he courted a woman? The way the Greeks figured it, how in the world could a man handle a female if he couldn't handle a male first?

So, Eric...all those varsity sports didn't turn you into a brute, eh? F*ck it. You're not supposed to be a brute. If you want to suck a man's c*ck, go ahead and do it. I have. And I LOVE women. It doesn't make you less of a man. It just makes you less of a meathead...and who doesn't want to be less of a meathead?


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## Guest (May 1, 2007)

I think alot of this is just bullshit.....alot of my debating this shit. But never quite knowing...it drives me crazy.

I am pretty sure i am just neurotic. What I can't seem to resolve, JACK, is the fact that maybe I created these attractions neurotically, or impurely. ......And I can never prove or disprove it. Its what keeps me suffering endlessly.

_Dude...i wouldnt care if i KNEW i was born this way. OR THAT IT WAS NATURAL. I would wholeheartedly accept myself and this whole conflict would be obliterated. but the very thought that i could have acquired these attractions through neurosis....its horribly upsetting. And thats what makes me torn up inside. How can i ever figure THAT out. And i cant live the rest of my life....living something that is dark, twisted, and created through neurosis. Its like a woman getting pregnant with a baby by a rapist. Its just horribly upsetting. So the origin makes all the difference. I will never be able to figure it out in my head. Its a chicken or egg situation. It seems this will torment me forever. Because I will never know. _I_ hate this...I just hate this. Everytime i get into a relationship i get these horrible thoughts. i cant live my life, until i make peace with this. it keeps me from committing....or having relationships. It is horrible. I always have the feeling that what i am doing is fake. the attraction i feel is fake. or not real. or just a neurosis......i just want to connect to my true self. how can i ever know what it is? _

My therapist thinks that I am biologically this way, or basically that i shouldnt worry about it....date guys. or whatever. but i dont know whether to trust him. what if i am feeding into some pathological attraction that devoid of love, or is inherently empty.

i just feel like my insides are so mixed up...i dont even know what feels right or 'natural' anymore.....my fear has made everything hard to see. How can i find my TRUE self.

In pain,

Eric


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## brandon is not taken (Mar 29, 2007)

maybe you are bisexual??

Check out these forums http://www.stuckinadoorway.org

It is an OCD forum. Alot of people there have "H-OCD" or homosexual ocd. That sounds like it may be similar to what you are dealing with. You might want to check it out.


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## Guest (May 1, 2007)

homosexual ocd... that mite relate towards myself... Having such a fear of being gay... I might keep questioning whether I am... and the more I question... the more I beleive I am... pretty much the same with reality and beleiving I am god... ect ect.


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> homosexual ocd... that mite relate towards myself... Having such a fear of being gay... I might keep questioning whether I am... and the more I question... the more I beleive I am... pretty much the same with reality and beleiving I am god... ect ect.


Stop worrying about it, be 'The Tod', that may make sense to Scrubs fans only.


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## Guest (May 1, 2007)

Well sleeping with you could put me as ease... "Shrugs".


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Well sleeping with you could put me as ease... "Shrugs".


I'd turn you completely, yuck.

It is a sad world when people have to 'worry' about their sexuality though. I understand the religion viewpoint though, and I accept that.


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## Guest (May 1, 2007)

suz said:


> I'd turn you completely, yuck.


Go look in the mirror... and see how hot you are *eye of the beholder...ect* Blah!!... you just got poor taste in women cos in my eyes you are one mighty fine babe :wink:

You go on top cos me's bone idle =)


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

My opinion on all this is that you probably have OCD that causes you so much anxiety that you get dp/dr. Everyone who's got OCD gets intrusive thoughts that they worry about having. Some people worry if they have a brain tumor or if they are going to stab someone; you worry about if you're gay. But they really don't mean anything. There's at least one OCD researcher that believes _everyone_ has these intrusive thoughts, and the OCD people are just ones that get concerned about them.

I don't think you are gay, though. I do think that you spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about how you think. You'll find as you give yourself more to think about, you won't keep thinking and worrying about how you're thinking, and your anxiety will drop. Except in probably some rare cases where someone has, say, an actual problem with their adrenal glands, anxiety dies off when you starve it of attention.

I had a bout of panic attacks when I was a teenager and my dad explained it to me like this: if you had an empty room with only one thing in it, say a chair, you'd pay a lot of attention to that one chair. But if the room had a lot of things in it, you wouldn't notice the chair so much. As I gave myself more to think about, I didn't spend so much time worrying if I'm going to have a panic attack, and thus kept myself from working myself into one.


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## Ludovico (Feb 9, 2007)

jesusmyangsthasabodycount, do/have you spoken to a psychiatrist/therapist? You seem to post one of these topics on a daily basis. At some point it might be a good idea to talk to a professional about this stuff. We're all suffering from this too, but we can only help to a certain extent. Best of luck

Edit: I just read that you obviously are seing a therapist, but maybe it's time to see someone else.


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

Its just confused signals from ure brain man i remember i first got ill i kept telling my parents i had schizophrenia rofl was so funny now i look back and i had all sorts of other strange thoughts after my initial breakdown or w/e happened to me, then sexual feelings became really weird as well started imagining all sorts of horrible stuff which wasn`t gender specific btw altho if they scared me i would focus more on the more negative things ie and sometimes just plain sickening to myself it was like my mind was playing tricks on me by focusing on my WORST fear and it brought them all out, every insecurity about myself, everything just came out man and i now know looking back they are just anxious thoughts and ure mind trying to "keep" u in "safe mode" like a computer, i`m glad other people are able to share these taboo thoughts some of them are very scary (like harming loved ones etc) my other favourite was if i was up somewhere high like a bridge i felt i was gonna jump off or grab someone and throw them off when i was at my worst anxiety and these feelings still come back, all of them! but i am no longer confined to my bed and room rambling away about my insanity to no avail from doctors or family. Thankfully my thoughts have greatly reduced and to a lot of people i can appear as normal but every now and then they do come back when i`m anxious. The linden method saved me that way as i spent ?2000+ on Mikel reverse cognitive therapy which gets u to express ureself all of the time but if u know me then u know how expressive i am lol and in the end it did not help!


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

> jesusmyangsthasabodycount, do/have you spoken to a psychiatrist/therapist? You seem to post one of these topics on a daily basis. At some point it might be a good idea to talk to a professional about this stuff. We're all suffering from this too, but we can only help to a certain extent. Best of luck


Just get the Linden method man it`s like ?80 for the printed pack (don`t get downloadable as i have both which u get when u pay for the pack u get the download version as well incase ure in a state which u need it right that second) but reading it in a physical book is best and listening to the cds every day morning and night for a few months really sorted me out that way, i`m still not cured but i`m able to function a lot more normally with reality.

Also if ure a skeptic like me and u think the method is bs etc just can email their support staff from the website and they hit u back with real psychiatric answers as they are trained in panic/anxiety/ocd/depersonalization etc i bombarbed these people with a letter every day for about 3 months until i finally thought f*ck it, it seems pretty genuine i`ll just buy it what the hell, u can phone em up as well and speak to them personally they have a big clinic down in england somewhere so it is genuine tbh, it might cure u it might not but it gets ure anxiety down a hell of a lot more and teaches u a lot about anxiety and i mean a lot.



> I had a bout of panic attacks when I was a teenager and my dad explained it to me like this: if you had an empty room with only one thing in it, say a chair, you'd pay a lot of attention to that one chair. But if the room had a lot of things in it, you wouldn't notice the chair so much. As I gave myself more to think about, I didn't spend so much time worrying if I'm going to have a panic attack, and thus kept myself from working myself into one.


Thats the main rule of the linden method tbh "DIVERSION" and the reverse therapy i went to also stressed diversion as the key as well as acting in a certain way in certain situations but i found the situations got worse and worse and worse for me and i kept focusing on doing this set routine when i had to do say public speaking or w/e but the linden method told me this was wrong rofl OH WELL 2 GRAND DOWN THE DRAIN and it was right lol


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Eric, I think you've just gotta accept your feelings and your attractions. How about trying to forget about HOW you got these feelings and just accept that they ARE. Right now, they are real for you and that's all that matters.


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Eric...

THINK about it: Does it really make a difference if impulses are, as you say, self-implanted...neurotically? Isn't that the way virtually ALL impulses are generated?

Think about all the things in people's lives that are not, as you say, "natural." Things that we think or do that are spurred by outside influences.

Listen to me, for God's sake.

Breast milk is natural. Yet children drink juice.
Childbirth is natural. But people abort pregnancies.
Walking is natural. Yet people drive cars.
Human interaction is natural. But we watch TV.

The list is endless. So you're looking to confirm that your thoughts today - those concentrating on your sexuality - are natural? Virtually NO thoughts or actions are natural.

And if you want to talk natural sexuality: Have you ever seen two lions f*ck missionary-style? No. Why? Because it's unnatural. Doggie-style is natural. But we humans try 500 positions. Likewise, we humans are somehow inclined to do just about anything with our wet p*ssies and hard c*cks when the situation presents itself.

So tell me: What's natural?


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## Guest (May 2, 2007)

Lunar Lander, and everybody else who responded.

Yeah, I understand its one thing to have intrusive thoughts, which mean nothing. I understand that. But I actually have attractions. And i actually have acted on those attractions. In other words. I have done stuff with guys. But these attractions all seem to feel not normal to me. Or driven by something. How can I make peace with and feel calm about something which DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL CALM INSIDE. it disturbs me, deeply. I'm sorry, Jack30, but if my attractions were created out something impure....i will always feel that essence when engaging in them. Don't you see?

Do you think, that the OCD could have caused these attractions? Or do you think I just like guys anyway. THIS is the CRUX of the problem.

this feels so horrible and I don't know why any of this happened to me.

Eric


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

jesusmyangsthasabodycount said:


> Lunar Lander, and everybody else who responded.
> 
> Yeah, I understand its one thing to have intrusive thoughts, which mean nothing. I understand that. But I actually have attractions. And i actually have acted on those attractions. In other words. I have done stuff with guys. But these attractions all seem to feel not normal to me. Or driven by something. How can I make peace with and feel calm about something which DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL CALM INSIDE. it disturbs me, deeply. I'm sorry, Jack30, but if my attractions were created out something impure....i will always feel that essence when engaging in them. Don't you see?
> 
> ...


Eric,

I have similar questions, but I realize that the very act of driving myself bonkers over them is compulsive. I haven't completely buried my head in the sand--you can't. But you can't do anything productive about it until you let go of the compulsion.

After you've gotten yourself 'together' then you can work on finding out answers. Read about your particular issue. Talk to others who have gone through similar things and see how they worked through it for themselves. Work on it from a place of calmness. You _may never know _the answer and hopefully one day you can come to terms with that.

My brother died when I was six and my friend's mom told me he probably was in hell because he didn't pray every day. Seriously. I was already an anxious beast and this catapulted me in to obsessive thoughts about death and where you go when you die and about what makes you a 'good person'.

Then my mom died and it started the whole mess over again.

The bottom line is...I'll never know for sure where my mom or brother are or what my golden ticket into 'heaven' is. Maybe I'll find 'faith' that will allow me peace one day. Maybe I won't. I just know I can't obsess about it. I'm working on it, but that's different than obsessing about it.


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## Guest (May 2, 2007)

I have researched this, extensively. for years. Everything says something different. so its dead end.

I don't know how but people make peace with this within themselves. I am in a relationship with a guy now, his name is Taylor. and its a screwed up relationship. how can it be healthy when i have all this going on. 
I get the feeling that most gay people i meet have been tampered with when they were younger. Its an alarming coincidence. My doctor says its not true, but 9 times out of ten, if you meet somebody who is gay, they usually have been molested or whatever. But i never was, or that i consciously recall. This messes with me every day. Every single day. Sometimes I think I may have been molested and i blocked it out of consciousness. This is horrible. how would i ever know.

Even so......those people who are gay and who have been 'made that way' or whatever. They are still at peace with it. they seem to live and have healthy fulfilling relationships. they dont feel as if they are neurotic inside, or their attractions are dark. So this realy confuses me. I am always torn up about this. I think about it every single day. Every hour.

Eric


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

"I'm sorry, Jack30, but if my attractions were created out something impure....i will always feel that essence when engaging in them. Don't you see?"

Yes, I see. And my answer is: You're f*cked. If you can't see that "pure" and "natural" are ambiguous concepts, you're hopelessly, irrevocably f*cked.

Are you Irish?

And where is my goddamn list?


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Eric I get the impression that you believe that "you" are the problem whereas in reality the problem is the beliefs that have been forced upon you and the way that you have grown up to not embrace and accept who you are.

You need to get angry at the people who have treated you this way ie your parents, get furious at the way you have been forced to struggle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with "you" but there is something wrong with the way you have been treated and what you have been forced to believe so my advice is to get really pissed off about it.


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## Guest (May 2, 2007)

The question still remains. The one question...........is it neurotically based.

I am so sick of this i am going to commit suicide if i cant resolve this soon. And i am not kidding. IT has ruined my life. i feel like such a freak. none of this sits well with me, ever.....i feel like im constantly driven to have same sex attraction....but when i engage in it. it never feels right. thats my PROOF that it is an unhealthy, neurotically based fixation. that i must rid myself of. it doesnt feel right. it just doesnt feel right. it feels disturbing. and it feels dark and twisted. taht is my proof that it is neurotic. i wish i was never born. i am such a f*cking mistake. my entire life has been a mistake. just a deviation.

PROVE IT to my otherwise....that it is healthy. and not some neurosis that i am feeding into or letting grow inside of me everytime i give into it. because thats how i feel. and its terribly disturbing.


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

get the linden method then u idiot the printed pack and never come on another anxiety board ever again, otherwise ure doing nothing to help ureself.


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

ComingBackToLife: You are not in a position to be calling someone else an idiot.

Nonetheless...

Nothing will ever be proven, Eric. Plus, your mind is made up, so no one can even persuade you that proof is unnecessary. You are a dirty, dirty little boy. Your thoughts are unnatural. Your actions are unhealthy. You are neurotic. Now go slit your wrists.

Is that what you want to hear? Because you sure as hell don't seem to want to hear anything else.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

You feel bad when you engage your sexual feelings because this is what you have been brainwashed by your parents and the church to believe, you are right that it is neurotic but it is not your in your sexual feelings where the neurosis lies but in your guilt and self hatred for embracing these feelings

You see the sexual feelings as the problem but in reality the problem is your reaction to them. The only proof you have is that your parents and society have fu-cked you up by creating this reaction in you, it is the reaction not the feelings where the problem lies. This reaction has been given to you, it is not really yours, get angry at the people who have given it to you.

I know being gay isnt neurotic for a fact because I have seen gay people in love to the same degree as straight people and love is not neurotic. That is my proof eric.


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

jesusmyangsthasabodycount said:


> I have researched this, extensively. for years. Everything says something different. so its dead end.


The last thing I'm trying to do here is be patronizing, Eric, but this screams cognitive distortion to me. Yeah, I researched many different religions, faiths and philosophies, to find answers to my questions and it _only made me worse _.

Until I stopped looking for answers when my brain was fried.

You admit you don't have a handle on your obsessive ruminations yet. The biggest hurdle is accepting you may never know the answer to the questions you're asking. Ever. We can kick and scream and fight and ruminate but this won't change.

You and I both have issues that are deeply entangled with our upbringings in the church. I think I understand the agony this is causing you. Maybe I'm projecting, but I understand how difficult it is to just say fuck you and you and you and be comfortable in your own skin when what you're rejecting is a part of 'you'; maybe even what you consider the good part of yourself. :?

It's possible to get to a place of acceptance and not have these questions eat at you. I'm living, breathing proof. You're not quite there yet but you're trying.

You are not a mistake. You are _human_. Please repeat this over and over to yourself until you believe it.


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## Guest (May 2, 2007)

I'm trying. I just want to know that what I am living is good. I just want that security. But I guess I cant have that......Yeah. Ive spent years searching and searching through philosophy trying to find the right answers. And yeah, your right. You get nowhere.......it only makes you have more questions.

But to not know the answers to these questions....its so painful. Its not so much tangled up in the church...as it is in my own soul. The simple answer is, I can never answer these questions. I can never know what i want to know. I spent my life living telling myself that i could not go on not knowing. that it was unnaccaptable. Ive thought and thought and tied connections to this and that. shooting endless theories in my head. causing much suffering. I will never know what caused my attractions. Its impossible. i ahve to find some way to come to terms with it. i know. this is so hard. its unbelievably ridiculously hard.


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

I know...and I'm sorry you're in pain. :?


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## Lunar Lander (Feb 17, 2006)

jesusmyangsthasabodycount said:


> But to not know the answers to these questions....its so painful.


I used to think the same thing about my ruminations, but then I realized that when I'm juiced up on anxiety, the stress hormones make a lot of things seem more important than they really are. I've totally been there.

That's kinda why some of us have found success in distracting ourselves with something else until we can calm down about it; you'll gain some perspective when you're not juiced up.

Something that helped me was to write down things that all the adrenaline made me think was totally important to resolve right now or else, that I found later were pretty bunk or not important enough to worry that much about. That'll serve as "proof" to you that sometimes things seem really important when you're stressed out like crazy, that really aren't so bad once you calm down.


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## brandon is not taken (Mar 29, 2007)

Eric, please dont take this the wrong way. I am not homophobic at all, i am a straight man who has kissed a few men in my day.

Your avatar screams "I AM GAY!!." Really dude, just accept it and say fuck you to everyone who doesnt accept it.


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## Guest (May 2, 2007)

obsessivebrandon... :roll:


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

obsessivebrandon said:


> Your avatar screams "I AM GAY!!."


How about mine? isn't it just fabulous

3098


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## brandon is not taken (Mar 29, 2007)

pollyanna, i find your avatar to be interesting...especially after i read your post regarding hypnogogic hallucinations of fish flying around your room.


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## Guest (May 3, 2007)

Lmao...okay u made me laugh dude. U dont understand!!!! i am really manly. i swear!

seriously. i am going to change it. ....now. oh btw.....i really do lift weights.

lol

Eric


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Who cares if you are really manly and lift weights? I wouldnt give a shat if you where a figure skater, where 120lbs and looked like the biggest fairy on the block.

It simply does not matter what anyone else thinks of you it only matters what you think of yourself and thats it. If anyone thinks the less of you for wanting to shag a guy or whatever tell them to go to hell. All that matters at the end of the day is if you can look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see.

If i actually wanted to shag a guy i would and i wouldnt care what anyone thought of me. But i just like the women too much and guy's dont interest me. It's not a question of morality at all it's simply a question of taste. This is despite what stupid religious nutters have tried to beat into my head over the years.


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## 17545 (Feb 14, 2007)

Comfortably Numb is my favorite poster.


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## Guest (May 3, 2007)

Lunar Lander.

Your advice is good as always. Don't think that I don't read all of your advice. You say basically the same things all the time. But they are good things to be said. And just know that I do read them. They are just...hard as shit to do.

I think I sort of gave up trying to get away from thinking about it. Because i could never escape my depression and anxiety growing up. You sort of give up trying after a while. it really is horrible. So many times in the past I hav tried to do _exactly_ what you are saying all the time. But I always end up thinking about it.....it just invades my mind. that is OCD. impossible to escape, right? 
I do know what you are saying. get some distance. get some perspective. It really would help. alot. Its hard to say that I am blowing this out, because it really does feel that serious to me because it ties into so many moral concepts. Its almost like this aspect, this darkness surrounding this topic has just pulled me into its void. And i keep thinking about it. everyday.

I will try to distract myself. its so hard not to feel the darkness that all this brings. or to seperate my life from it. it blocks me spiritually, emotionally, and socially. thats so hard to ignore, man.

but i will try, however i can.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Everyone else has made really good points Eric. I agree with Comfortably numb even though the posts are very forceful 

But seriously, you need to know something. You will NEVER, EVER find the answers you are looking for out there in the world. These philosophical questions are still questions because they can never be answered.

The only place you will find an answer is within yourself. And even then you'll never be sure its right. You just have to work on trusting yourself and being true to your OWN feelings and beliefs, not other people's.

Its hard as shit but to gain clarity you need to sort out what's your's and what isn't. We all take on beliefs from other people and adopt them as our own. Then we live our lives by those beliefs and it hurts us deeply because we aren't being true to ourselves. That's why you need to look critically at those beliefs and figure out what isn't yours. Then push it back.

Take what's yours. Give back what's not. Then you can begin to live


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## Guest (May 3, 2007)

Tigersuit said:


> Comfortably Numb is my favorite poster.


Got my vote as well... he's good with advising about meds as well.


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## Guest (May 3, 2007)

CECIL said:


> But seriously, you need to know something. You will NEVER, EVER find the answers you are looking for out there in the world. These philosophical questions are still questions because they can never be answered.


This is what I need to take in and understand myself... I wonder what draws us towards wanting to know the unknown? maybe that's one of the core factors which makes us human.


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

Definitely Darren, its curiosity, pushing the boundaries. Imagine where we would be if no one questioned things.
We would all still be running around semi-naked holding Spears 

3098


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Tigersuit said:
> 
> 
> > Comfortably Numb is my favorite poster.
> ...


 Aww thanks now that just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

But seriously it all comes down to what you think about yourself and not what anyone else thinks about you. At the end of the day the only person you have to answer to is yourself afterall.


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## Guest (May 4, 2007)

Pollyanna 3098 said:


> We would all still be running around semi-naked holding Spears
> 
> 3098


Sounds like fun = *Waves his spear round like he just don't care!*


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> This is what I need to take in and understand myself... I wonder what draws us towards wanting to know the unknown? maybe that's one of the core factors which makes us human.


I'll make a clarification here - there's nothing wrong with wanting to know the unknown, pushing your own boundaries, striving for the unspeakable. However, we with DP can get into a pattern where we HAVE to know the unknown before we act.

e.g. "I want to do this...but what will happen if I do this? Maybe that will happen, maybe that will...maybe X person will be offended...or maybe it will make me look like Y to person Z" etc. etc. etc.

And then you just get paralysed by fear. Stuck in a cycle of wanting to act but not because you can't tell exactly what's going to come of it.

We have to be able to say "F uck it!" to the fear and walk forward without knowing what's going to happen. Because the only way we learn is by experiencing the unknown and then reflecting on it.


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