# (Mostly) Recovered



## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

This is a long post, but worth reading if you suffer from drug-related depersonalization.

Here's my story:

(Mostly) Recovered

So I recently I've been telling everyone that I was at 75%, but recently I'd have to say I'm at a good 85-90% normal, and God, does it feel good. For those of you who don't know me, I started experiencing acute symptoms of depersonalization and derealization that were fairly consistent and unrelenting in early June. This was following a stupidly irresponsible drug binge that lasted from late Febuary/early March until June 1. I was taking large doses of LSD, LSA (found in Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds--terrible idea), psilocybin mushrooms, along with recreational use of alcohol, painkillers (Vicodin, Percocet), marijuana, and fairly heavy use of stimulants like Adderall for study purposes. Surprisingly, my grades were largely unaffected by my massive drug use, but my I became increasingly detached from myself and the world, which I attributed to the continued intake of drugs (of course) and a personal identity and belief crisis. I thought I was finding answers, but I was only getting more confused. The depersonalization may have been present during these times, but I was so messed up all the time that there was no way to tell something deeper was going on, though I should have noticed. Feeling strange was normal, in the sick way that it is with drugs.

After my last LSA trip on June 1 during which I wandered the Upper East Side of NYC in a sort of dissociative/psychotic trance (I wouldn't respond to my own name, I gave away many of my belongings, I was severely deluded, even thinking I was Jesus or Jimi Hendrix or my friend Roger at some points, was nearly arrested, and almost jumped into traffic). After that everything seemed unusually messed up and a few days later, while waiting for my car to be repaired, I had my first panic attack accompanied by intense feelings of unreality. I told no one, but I was sure that I was still hallucinating/insane/what have you. The following week was absolute hell. I was sure I'd had a psychotic break and was schizophrenic, and suffered semi-delusions (I say "semi" because deep down I knew they were ungrounded and maladaptive), convincing myself that I was in some alternate reality, or that the world had changed, my life would never be the same (kind of true) and had transformed into an altered existence. I wanted to kill myself and just make the insanity end, but I wasn't depressed and never actually made an attempt, although I would randomly think about veering off of the Palisade cliffs or how far I'd have to drive to buy a shotgun (I stupidly applied for and received a gun license the previous summer). Then I found Wikipedia's article about depersonalization, which ultimately led me here. I didn't join immediately, but I read through various posts and I had hope. Yes, something was very wrong, but, no, I was not "insane." The promise of one day returning to a comfortable and functional life (I was actually still quite functional as I was working as a lifeguard and a part-time intern at a lobbying firm and, though I was acting slightly off, my family didn't notice any real changes in me--all people with DP should become actors, since that's what we do every day, pretend to be normal) kept me going. I complained to my parents about severe generalized anxiety, since I didn't want them to think I was crazy, but knew I needed help, and they immediately made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist that my sister had seen when she was very young and they knew to be excellent. I had a few days before seeing him, during which I experienced a flashback (what a strange experience) along with the unrelenting derealization. My DP has always been characterized by mostly DR, with intermittently fleeting, intense DP. I'm not going to describe the feeling, since if you're reading this, you know all too well. I self-medicated with tons of alcohol to hold myself over until my appointment and that really only made my anxiety worse when I was sober.

At my first appointment I basically broke down into a nervous wreck as I told the doctor everything that had happened, all the drugs, the thoughts of death (my thoughts while DP'd centered particularly heavily around death and the human condition since I'm a philosopher at heart) and my fear of insanity and he really talked me down, assured me that it was an extended drug effect, and gave me some cognitive techniques to work on, including keeping a log of strange feelings. I kept seeing him until late August and DP/DR was bad, but slightly better, and after the first few visits he prescribed 0.5 mg clonazepam (Klonopin) as needed, which was pretty much daily back then. The Klonopin really helped give me moments of clarity, which gave me hope for recovery and helped break the cycles of disordered/distorted thinking that comes with DP/DR.

I was pretty stable by the time I got back to school (sophomore year of college) and the first semester was marked by intermittent severe episodes of depersonalization. I experienced the sensation of ego death once in a while, but mostly felt very closed off from the world by my own mind. Other people didn?t seem real?they were merely extensions of reality. I?d feel ungrounded and couldn?t really conceive of how other ontological entities?other human consciousnesses?could exist. I was confined by my own perception and experience and I was pretty paranoid about the idea of knowledge (which wasn?t helped by taking a Philosophy course in epistemology and metaphysics) and saw no justification for believing anything. I simply could not get a grip on reality; my conceptions didn?t seem to match up. It was terrible.

Towards the beginning of the second semester I started seeing one of the University therapists and we worked towards a plan of total abstinence from drugs and alcohol, which I screwed up since I was in college after all, but it definitely helped me cut back. Alcohol and drugs definitely raise anxiety levels and ultimately make DP worse. Nothing remarkable happened until recently, but DP was slowly subsiding, with the episodes decreasing in duration, intensity and frequency. As of today I haven?t experienced any significant DP/DR in about three weeks, which is absolutely great.

This whole ordeal was one helluva struggle, but it looks like I?m going to be okay. The experience sure was something and, although it wasn?t pleasant, I think I learned a lot about myself. I hope this story will give you hope: recovery is possible. With CBT, medication, healthy living, and luck depersonalization and derealization will subside. I wish you all luck on your journey through life and towards recovery. Feel free to contact me with any questions.

-Ryan


----------



## Guest (Apr 23, 2009)

Awesome Ryan,  It's great to hear you're doing so much better, may it continue.


----------



## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Yeah good luck man. I know the feeling of wanting to veer of the road. I always want to just let go of the steering wheel or veer off a huge cliff.


----------



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

So glad to hear it. You've been a great help in my battle as well. Seems like you have learned an incredible amount about yourself.

Enjoy feeling better. You deserve it!


----------

