# What happened in Asia has changed me...



## Lallo (Feb 5, 2017)

This will be a longer post but I hope some of you have time to read through it and give me your support or advice...

It all started out 2 months ago. 
After having a hard week at school I finally went on vacation to my friends house in Asia.

One week before this I had a LSD trip at my home. It went very well and I don't remember having any feeling of dr/dp the days after this.

However the night we arrived at my friends house everything felt a bit unreal. 
Not just a feeling but a change in perception, like my vision was changed somehow.

I thought it's just because the sudden change of environment and finally going on vacation and seeing something new.

However this feeling persisted through the 3 weeks I spent at his place. It didn't bother me too much at the time and I did some Ritalin to study, some weed about 3 times and also took benzo once. 
I didn't feel any noticeable increase of dp after these events anyway.

At new years eve I did some mdma at a party with friends and then went back home to study a lot for a school test. 
During this time I used a lot of modafinil and Ritalin and I noticed that this weird feeling was still in me even though I was now home and back to my usual routine...

One day I was studying in my room (I live alone in a one room apartment) and I had used modafinil. 
Suddenly I feelt a horrible feeling creeping up on me. 
The feeling that I would go crazy and be stuck in this state forever. 
It was just horrible and I had to sit down on the floor bit to freak out.

Ever since this period I have not used any drugs, just some coffee a couple of times.

But the feeling of derealization and depersonalization is there all the time...

It has become better and at some moments in my day I can almost feel "omg, I'm back?!" but that's just for a brief second.

Worst are the mornings when I wake up. 
I'm hoping for the feeling to be gone and that I will wake up "sober" cause this all feels like a dream. Like an "inception" kind of state.

Is this world real? Are people real? 
I'm standing in the metro on the morning and everyone are just staring into nothingness. How do I even know these are not just robots in a dream?

I also have very vivid dreams and right now I have a hard time telling the dream world from the real world.

First I went to check my vision cause of the change in perception. They said my eyes were great.

And it's better now but in the beginning it feelt like the perception of vision was like "blurry" or I couldn't really focus on anything or something... Impossible to describe...

Anyway, I've booked an appointment to a doctor and also a psykoterapeut. However I have no idea if if they will recognize my state or what will happen.

I don't want to be put on some medication for the rest of my life...

Also, sometimes I want to just commit suicide cause I can't live like this. 
Sometimes I just try to accept that I will live like this for the rest of my life... A cloudy feeling of dreaming...

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize myself. Like all the years I've lived and all my memories were just inprints in my brain...

I have this constant feel in my head like I've just stepped out of a ferry-go-around (is it called like that?)

Please someonesomeone help me... 
What do I do? Should I try to get medicine? 
I'm trying to meditate and "be here" but it is hard... Will this ever go away?


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## Lallo (Feb 5, 2017)

Just wanted to add to my original post!

*What am I doing to combat the dr/dp?*

Sleeping enough: 
Trying to get a full 8-9 hours of sleep even if it means missing my first lectures every morning.

Getting out of my room:
I usually spent a lot of time studying alone cause I didnt "waste time" going all the way to school etc.
I have realised that by seeing other people I usually feel a bit better so I'm trying to study with other people all the time

Meditation
Trying to meditate every morning and also every now and then during the day I try to follow the breath and "feel my body" and get in touch with the feeling that "I'm here and I'm real".

Avoiding drugs
Self explainable... (including coffee)

Exercising
This was no problem since I have been working out 5-7 days a week for almost 10 years now but I always feel better after leaving the gym

Trying to relax
Allowing myself to "have fun" . I spend a lot of time worrying about school and spending time at the gym.
I still have a hard time "letting myself" watch a movie or play a game cause I always feel like I should be studying or doing something else that will "add to my success" not just "wasting it".

Not thinking to much

I realise that when I go around and "checking in" with myself. "How do I feel" or "How is the dp/dr today" I feel much worse.
When I'm just accepting that "this feeling is reality" even if I know its not the way it should, I somehow just feel better.


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

LSD, MDMA, Ritalin, Weed, Benzos. Nope. Nothing unusual in your diet. Must be something else.


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## <AGENT>teh345 (Apr 10, 2012)

Abstain from all drugs including caffeine, everything.

Do that and wait it out a few months and I'd be willing to bet you will be feeling somewhat better.


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## Lallo (Feb 5, 2017)

forestx5 said:


> LSD, MDMA, Ritalin, Weed, Benzos. Nope. Nothing unusual in your diet. Must be something else.


Well yes I've used these drugs but I dont use the reguarly.
You are not supposed to get dr/dp just because u used mdma/lsd once per year. Whatever you might think these drugs are less harmfull than alcohol.

But yeah I wont disagree that all these drugs may have been a part of me getting into this state but I also feel that there is something else.
Underlying anxiety.

Today I had a horrible experience... *I came home and I was suppose to go to a dinner with friends.
However anxiety kicked in and I was too afraid to go out... I was afraid I would get a panic attack.*
I had this typical dr feeling I get when I cant really focus my vision on anything and things feel so blurry and dizzy... I just wanted to sleep it away so I stayed home...

I realise that reading my first post u might think I'm some kind of regular drug user but I'm a very hard working person who exercises 7 days a week, goes to medical school and trying to have a great social life next to this.

I had a vacation where I tried stuff but never use stuff otherwise.* I haven't even drink or smoked tobacco EVER in my life.*


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## Lallo (Feb 5, 2017)

> teh345" data-cid="427345" data-time="1486839920">
> 
> Abstain from all drugs including caffeine, everything.
> 
> Do that and wait it out a few months and I'd be willing to bet you will be feeling somewhat better.


This is what I'm following right now.
But "somewhat" better doesn't cut it for me... I just want to wake up sober right now...

How has medication helped u guys?
I'm going to a doctor the next week and I wonder if they will even give me something.

I live in a country where they dont really prescribe drugs like that as easily like for example the US.
So I dont know if they will even take me seriously or if they will give me something...

*And what medication have worked FOR YOU? Will I have to go on medication for the rest of my life now?*


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

Your story sounds pretty similar to mine, only difference is it took me just one hit of LSD and I've been in this state for nearly two years whereas you did quite a few drugs and have only been depersonalized for a few months. Lots of people here have been in the same state as you for years, even decades. The best advice I can give you is to not panic (easier said than done, I know), get as healthy as you can and buckle down as you could be depersonalized for a while. This thing doesn't go away overnight despite how bad you want it to disappear, but if you maintain a healthy lifestyle and stay far away from drugs you will see results -- it just might take a while.


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## ThyOwnThrowaway (Feb 12, 2017)

Welp, welcome to the long haul. I've been a lurker for a while (got my dpdr back in September) but I'm definitely doing better. Trust me, we all would love an instant cure for this but sadly, there isn't one (that we know of, at least). If there was, whoever discovered it would go down in history (or at least loved by us). I know that's not the answer you want to hear but it's the truth, the quicker you accept it the better it'll be (not trying to be rude, it honestly helps a lot). It takes time, and I know it's scary, but you gotta push through it. The thing about the drug use is that it only takes one time for DPDR to break down your door like the Kool-Aid man. That's what happened to me and a lot of other people. Medication has helped me with the depression and the anxiety, and in turn, my DPDR. However, everyone is different but you should try it if you want to. The biggest thing that has helped me has be accepting that I have it and continuing living my life in spite of it. Try to watch movies and do stuff that keeps your mind off of it. Also, don't be afraid to seek help from a therapost or psychiatrist if you need to, group therapy helps me a lot mainly because of the interaction with other people.

Hope that helps.


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## mind.divided (Jul 2, 2015)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It really sucks but it will get easier with time. I've read that many people experience derealization when travelling to another country including myself even before I got this. Drugs probably was your cause but the travelling might have been the trigger. I don't know just rambling. I hope you recover fast and don't get stuck like other people


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## Lallo (Feb 5, 2017)

Since yesterday I've been feeling "a bit better".

I can't really put my finger on what it is. Just 2 days ago I had a horrible day . Everything was "spinning" around and I had this dizziness that a lot of people with dr/dp can relate too.

I was visiting a psychoterapist for the first time and he summed up our meeting that he cant help me if this is something "physiological" problem which I believe it is.
I'm very aware of my thoughts and I've been practicing mindfullness for years now so whats bothering me is the actual "perception" change of the world that I'm experiencing.
It's the constant "dizzyness" and the feeling that my vision is somehow blurry although it "isnt" ?

Anyway, these 2 past days have been better. I didnt feel as dizzy and Im just in a weird feeling of "acceptance". It feels like there is light in the end of the tunnel even if it's not going fast.

The hardest things right now is to keep up with school.

I used to wake up at 6 am to study for 12 hours then workout then go to bed.

Now I'm trying to sleep in a lot to get my brain to recover. But it also means that I'm missing out on a lot of study time.
Also, studying is harder since the dizziness is making it harder to read my books etc.

I will push through this!


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