# Do I fit the bill?



## justpeace (Sep 22, 2011)

Hello everyone. My name is Michael, and I have been having some issues as of lately. Unfortunately I cannot figure out what is wrong with me exactly and I fear that going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist will end up being a crippling event for my career of choice. Maybe you all can tell me if I have DP or something else...

So a quick background on myself:

Felt pretty normal as a kid growing up, got along well with everyone and I was a leader I suppose, and generally had lots of friends around the community who would all come to my place to hang out. So I was popular you could say as a younger kid. When I got to be 12-13 years of age I started to associate with people I thought of as being "cool" and started smoking pot. I think it was one of my first times smoking pot that I had a "out of body" experience, as if I was watching myself or I felt like my attention just slightly moved to a different plane... if that makes any sense to say. After that experience I continued to smoke pot for a very long time. Slowly, instead of being a leader, I became a follower, and a much weaker person. As I got older, I then eventually got into ecstasy, which is the point when my life really went for a huge downturn.

To me, it feels like my fault really. A guy I hung out with in high school when I was around 15 years of age, he was a junior, invited me over to his house... I think... I don't really remember it clearly. Its something that only recently I have even come to remember anything about, but it is still a vague memory, with very few pieces attached. But we hung out, and I had ecstasy which we both did, along with a third friend. I believe sometime in there I was raped, and remember the most dreadful car-ride home were I was completely.... unknowing of what to do.... but like-say, this seems ridiculous for my mind to fabricate but it seems like a real occurrence to me. When I got home (I think I had snuck out), my mother didn't awake and so I couldn't bear to wake her up. Especially since I was under the influence of ecstasy. Anyways, after that experience I have never really felt the same. Eventually I went down worse paths, ended up dealing drugs and getting addicted to oxycontin for about 6 months. I went to therapy and the guy was a great counselor, but never mentioned to me anything about myself possibly having a disorder. But I sure feel like I do!

I frequently feel like I am not myself, who I used to be before I started using drugs. I have anxiety a lot and it makes it difficult to even talk to people without looking away from them because I feel so awkward if I don't. I constantly worry about what other people think of me, and what they think is wrong with me. Like they look at me like I am schizophrenic or something. But really, I do have difficulty with speech, but I often feel like maybe its because my memory makes it difficult for me to recall words and the anxiety kindof worsens the situation. Anyways, sorry I get off on tangents pretty easily. Another thing is that I cannot associate well with people, period. I dont know why, but I feel like I am not psychologically par with them? I am currently in college, a junior, and it is a tuff time for me because I have to interact with people daily.... but I just suck at it and like-say it is hard for me to associate with anyone.

Does this sound like any of you? Is it possible I am dealing with DP?? It is something that makes my life difficult, and sometimes I feel like I need to do something about it, but can never get myself to overcome the thoughts of what the future would bring if I did seek professional help.

Thanks for reading.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

justpeace said:


> Hello everyone. My name is Michael, and I have been having some issues as of lately. Unfortunately I cannot figure out what is wrong with me exactly and I fear that going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist will end up being a crippling event for my career of choice. Maybe you all can tell me if I have DP or something else...
> 
> So a quick background on myself:
> 
> ...


What is your worst fear in regards to seeking professional help and how would it help cripple your career of choice?


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## justpeace (Sep 22, 2011)

insaticiable said:


> What is your worst fear in regards to seeking professional help and how would it help cripple your career of choice?


Well, I fear that if I am diagnosed with some kind of illness that considers me "insane" like schizophrenia or schizo-affective disorder, etc. etc. then that would be a diagnosis I would have to live with forever. This is probably a irrational fear however.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

justpeace said:


> Well, I fear that if I am diagnosed with some kind of illness that considers me "insane" like schizophrenia or schizo-affective disorder, etc. etc. then that would be a diagnosis I would have to live with forever. This is probably a irrational fear however.


Nope, that's quite a rational fear. I think this happens to a lot of people, and many probably readily accept the label since it gives other people a way to understand them... But in reality, they're not understanding them more than they are classifying them and thereby distancing themselves from them... I definitely wouldn't buy into any psychiatric label. Although, I do think you need extensive counseling... of course, this too is something that can be hard to come by. My view on it right now is this: somehow (I'm pretty sure I know how but for the sake of brevity...) I've became disconnected from the world of other people. I cannot feel them nor can I properly interact with them. However, my entire well-being and future happiness in life is dependent on my being able to share my perspective with them and interrelate effectively. That is, I must be able to use my experience of life as a baseboard for relating with other people and ultimately to open up channels for free, open communication b/w them and me. Once this is achieved, i'm thinking that my sense of self would reappear and I can continue on with my life no worse for wear. Now... where in the world can I turn to achieve this aim? I do not see many options outside of a residential psychiatric facility... I just have to avoid labels and making this my identity


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## justpeace (Sep 22, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> Nope, that's quite a rational fear. I think this happens to a lot of people, and many probably readily accept the label since it gives other people a way to understand them... But in reality, they're not understanding them more than they are classifying them and thereby distancing themselves from them... I definitely wouldn't buy into any psychiatric label. Although, I do think you need extensive counseling... of course, this too is something that can be hard to come by. My view on it right now is this: somehow (I'm pretty sure I know how but for the sake of brevity...) I've became disconnected from the world of other people. I cannot feel them nor can I properly interact with them. However, my entire well-being and future happiness in life is dependent on my being able to share my perspective with them and interrelate effectively. That is, I must be able to use my experience of life as a baseboard for relating with other people and ultimately to open up channels for free, open communication b/w them and me. Once this is achieved, i'm thinking that my sense of self would reappear and I can continue on with my life no worse for wear. Now... where in the world can I turn to achieve this aim? I do not see many options outside of a residential psychiatric facility... I just have to avoid labels and making this my identity


Thank you very much for your input, it means a lot to me. I really feel like you and I have very similar problems. I also agree that this label people will put on someone because they have a certain disorder can make the situation 10x worse than it already is, and this is exactly why I cannot fathom going and revealing my experiences with a psychiatrist. Really, I feel like I will be happier not having a permanent label like that. I know that medication could help me, but I feel like it could take years for a psychiatrist to figure out what I need to be taking... which would really mess with my education and any future jobs I will want. To be honest, its a giant black-hole of a situation that I really wish I could escape from, but no matter which direction I go the pull of gravity is the same..... and still lands me the same position in the black whole...


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