# Hi! Crucial to read! (for a few, maybe)(at least check out the short verses



## Guest (Jul 22, 2010)

Howdy. My name is Gage. I'm 24 now. I went through DP in my 20th and 21st years. It no longer occurs. Although I thought it would last forever, it hasn't. I just skimmed a post by some dude talking about how you can cure yourself of DP. Yes, I (we) know. It is all in your head and may come from some hardcore anxiety that, like all things, we choose to experience. Mind over matter may be relevant for SOME people at SOME times, as much as I've preached it as a matter of fact, ahem. God, (little abrupt) don't you hate it when some pedantic shrink sets you into a box and tells you what is occurring within you as much as you insist that they're just way off. I once had a, get this, medication analyst tell me how I'm just "really depressed" as I described to her this thing I had affirmed, having read all about online, depersonalization disorder. "...? No, you see, that's called 'dissociation'. After she hands me samples of generic Lexapro, clonidine (blood pressure medication for my anxiety, harhar), and an anti-psychotic as a sleep aid, I lie in bed that night wigged out on the new meds, not at all able to sleep, thinking, 'now, if she dismisses my DP to heavy depression, based on what some textbook says that one or two inexperienced people wrote, where the f-hell does 'dissociation' come from?' "traumatic experiences" she says. Haha, OK.

So, on the night before my 20th birthday, (all of this I told her) I had a VERY emotionally traumatic experience. I was drinking heavily beginning upon awakening, thanks to waking up to strong, social people, amongst whom I felt uncomfortable to say the least. Anyways, that night, outside a commercial haunted house (October) I hurriedly approached a couple dudes in a fight. The older, noticeably bigger of the two, was dominating the fight, kicking a downed smaller dude as he reverse crab walked while letting out cries and pleas. I approached hurriedly and tried to break it up by screaming at the bigger guy and he could only respond with '#$^# you". One might coolly observe this situation as not their business, which it really wasn't, but the unbelievably lonely and sad (dominating) part of me saw it as an injustice. I figured, and still do, that any and every person on this planet deserves to at least be left alone from others' negative influence. So, I threw the most powerful and passionate punch I think I'll ever throw and knocked the fella out cold. Thankfully nothing happened afterword (lawfully), and we, after more drinks and a few pen hits of weed, got into the hour long line to get into the haunted house. I had actually completely forgotten this incident and proceeded to be silly as hell laying on shrubs as if they were recliners and flirted with girls. Just five minutes from actually getting into this place I indiscreetly pocketed an inactive cell phone from the booth of a solicitor along side the line. He confronted me and I was very seriously offended because I had seriously forgotten, fifteen seconds later, that I had done it. It was my first moment of absolute objectivity. I saw a pretty object, and took it. No, sense of morality or possession. I just did. After open hand slapping the jockish fellow with all my strength over the shoulder of my brother, who was present and trying to keep me from danger, we were chased out by security understandably.

Upon waking the next morning I staggered into the kitchen sink of my father's house and threw up. My brother and his girlfriend drove me to my grandparents' house where the family deal for my birthday would occur. Throughout the night, although clearly hung-the-hell-over, I was feeling quite different. It was actually one of the best birthdays I'd ever had in terms of the volume of love and thoughtful gifts I received, and I felt horribly guilty because I was so strangely detached and felt nothing for all these wonderful people.

As a day passed, and then a few, and then two weeks, I was becoming very worried that I was going nuts because this detached state had not worn off. I lay there on my bed looking about my room at all the things that proved my existence, all the things that Gage had collected and could somewhat define him (I'm Gage, lol), and felt absolutely nothing. A bunch of lifeless objects. A huge emptiness. I was scared shitless. Through the next two months I interacted with my loved ones from the new perspective of a man standing at the window of a tall office building looking out. It was strange and I couldn't help but feel there was something very wrong with me. I felt as if I couldn't feel. Their words would float about and I would slowly interpret them. Help me. Help me. Help me. I'm scared.

Christmas. I receive a book from my older brother. Tao Te Ching. "I think you'd like it." I guess I must have voiced some of my newborn philosophies out of my nothingness. I ignored it for a couple days. One night I opened it. Page twenty. This is what I read...

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don't care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharper;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don't know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother's breasts.

'I drink from the great mother's breasts.' I immediately hugely smiled and positivity slowly deluded the horror that had amassed in my chest. Obviously this can be interpreted in many ways, but this seemed to speak, in a positive light, for what I was going through. I began to consider that MAYBE I was experiencing something that most folks don't GET TO. I was at such a base that all things, especially words, were absurd. Maybe I'm attuned to the truest reality, void of emotion. Opinion. One that seemingly all other beings on this planet experienced. I went for many walks, sometimes even in slow motion to just blankly observe the thoughtless image of trees and sky, and began developing a new philosophy. I lay in the summer sun on a bed of grass, warmth on my skin. I part the blades of grass and observe tiny insects, life that I had never much considered that is all around me at all times. Indifferent, moving on, no self-consciousness(that I know of) beyond the most basic that one needs to procreate and avoid death. This made me smile. It is only I that gives all of this meaning and makes demands of a standard that I may or may not live up to. Actually, nothing is expected of me. I am here, it is now, all is possible. The warm sun is on my face.

So, I went through ups and downs. I couldn't maintain a constant positive attitude. As the excitement wore out I became lonely as hell and very much lacking an ego, (in most basic definition; one's sense of one's self) finding it hard to function well at work amongst 'normal' people and such, I was once again depressed. I've always experimented with drugs and I came to find that opiates restored my ego and took me a bit out of myself. I was hooked.

I am not the perfect example of someone who makes it out of the abysmal DP. It took years of opiate abuse, but I did in fact make it out, which I never figured would happen. Every day seems eternal in that state. I still struggle with uncertainty and addiction but hold on to that positive base that I found made me smile really big. Perhaps you, "drink from the great mother's breasts". Perhaps you are in a state that grants you the ultimate power. The ability to realize just what is, exactly, a conscious choice, and make one.

God bless you (whatever that means. I just like the sound of it.)

Formerly and likely future depersonalized,

Gage G.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Wow, you write really well. That was a great read. Thanks.


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## Guest (Jul 22, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Wow, you write really well. That was a great read. Thanks.


Thank you. That actually means a lot. Thanks a lot for reading it. My ego grows.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

wonderful read. i too came upon the tao te ching a couple years ago and it forever changed me. i rearranged my opinion of dp in the same way you did and then found it difficult to maintain this wonderful state of mind. as easy as it was in nature, under trees and looking up at the sky, it didn't work quite the same with the "real world" of people surrounding me. i think i eventually got frustrated and just wanted to feel normal but for a while this was all i had and it was wonderful. thanks for sharing.


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## Guest (Jul 22, 2010)

peachy said:


> wonderful read. i too came upon the tao te ching a couple years ago and it forever changed me. i rearranged my opinion of dp in the same way you did and then found it difficult to maintain this wonderful state of mind. as easy as it was in nature, under trees and looking up at the sky, it didn't work quite the same with the "real world" of people surrounding me. i think i eventually got frustrated and just wanted to feel normal but for a while this was all i had and it was wonderful. thanks for sharing.


I'm still making quests into the the trees and up to the sky and down to the thriving dirt hoping to bring smiles back to everyone. I'm still swirling in uncertainty and addiction. But, stay out there, there is love for you in the trees . Allow yourself to walk out with pockets full of sunshine and bring this back and say "hey, this is the real world." This is the cake that all other things are icing on. I am here. We are here. Let's make a fucking cake.

Sorry, 
a little out of it,

Gage (a friend of you, a friend of all that is not obtrusive.)


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

well, as i always say, 
i'm acknowledged on the ground with my stomach to the stars. 
thank you. you've given me an interesting start and a bit of sunshine to my morning.


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## match_stick_1 (Jun 9, 2010)

you should write a book on philosophy. id read it








thats definately true about how great it is to drink in nature and al that. i find one of the most calming and relaxing things i can do is lay outside and stare up at the sky and the trees and feel completely blank but kindof like im part of the ground that im lying on... its nice.
anyway that was a beautiful read and hopefully some of your optimism has rubbed off on me .


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## Guest (Jul 22, 2010)

match_stick_1 said:


> you should write a book on philosophy. id read it
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> ...


Thank you!







If I were disciplined enough I just my give it a try! Lol.

I'm glad to hear you lay out under sky and trees and feel like you are a part of it, 'cause in fact (sorry, imo) you ARE it. Life transforms and grows and takes any form it can possibly take, just because it can and you are one free part of it, made up of all the same things. All things are pieces of the whole. Life itself. What is. Only our ego, or souls if you will, make us think of ourselves as separate beings. I think you have become attuned to a peaceful reality that most people will never get to know, caught up in a storm of confusing emotion.


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## match_stick_1 (Jun 9, 2010)

doesntmatter said:


> Thank you!
> 
> 
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> ...


Thats a nice way to think about dp


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## Guest (Jul 23, 2010)

match_stick_1 said:


> Thats a nice way to think about dp


When life gives ya lemons, make lemonade.







Lol.


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