# Recovering!



## CulturalArtist (Jun 6, 2019)

'I have not completely recovered from DPDR, i still suffer from DR but i am in much better place compared to where i was two months ago.'

hey guys, i am from India and i am 23 years old.if u are reading this i know that u are in a lot of pain right now,u are completely shattered and u think there is no hope and u have nothing to hold onto. i was in the same place like u guys two months ago. right now i cant say i am completely recovered but i am in a much better place compared to where i was two months ago. i feel a lot better nowadays.
Here is my story:

14/01/2019 
- I was smoking weed with my close friends. until this point i was a regular weed smoker and used to enjoy getting high. But on this day, something weird was going to happen.so, i smoked a little too much on this day.it was fine for some time and i was actually enjoying the high. but after some time passed i got too much high.I got so high that i couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. I got scared and i started walking around considering that doing so will calm me down.I convinced myself that i have been in this situation many a times and its just matter of time and i will be back to normal. I was wrong. It got worse. I started feeling disconnected/i was experiencing derealization. I didnt know who i was, where i was. I couldn't use my phone too. Scrolling through my Instagram feed,everything looked unreal. My heart started beating really fast. I was having panic attacks continuously. Anyhow, when panic attacks stopped after 2-3 hours i went to sleep. Next 2-3 days, a little dizziness was still there but it wasn't noticeable. In meantime, after going
through such horrible experience i was convinced that i cant smoke weed ever again ( i was sad to miss out on such incredible(i thought it was incredible at that point) thing!).

17/01/2019 
- I was watching 'House of Cards' and i thought of smoking few puffs to spice it up and to also check if i have my stamina back. I was scared so i only smoked 4-5 puffs.And i was greeted with same horrible experience yet again. Although it lasted few minutes(10-15), it was horrible enough for me to promise myself that i am never going to 
touch weed ever again(And i never did after this point).

Mid Jan-Mid March 
- During this time-period i experienced few moments where i felt i was dreaming/DPDRed. For instance, i was at hair salon when suddenly i felt like i was dreaming/everything was unreal. But these moments lasted for a very short time and i was good to go after few minutes. I also want to mention that i was going through pretty rough phase of my life during all this. I was failing at almost anything so i used to be stressed out a lot. later during this time period, i had started googling things like 'feeling high all time'
and 'feeling disconnected all time' which led me to know that there are mental illnesses such as DPDR in which sufferer feels that everything is unreal but at that point of time,i was not bothered about it because encounters i had with these feelings of unreality lasted short and they were sometimes unnoticeable.

08/03/2019-12/03/2019 
- I was at my friends place and my friend asked me if i can recall what we have been doing the entire day(we were upto a lot of things that day) and i noticed that i was experiencing memory loss(not that severe) lately and things had started looking weird/lifeless to me, i was starting to become pretty much concerned about it.

13/03/2019 
- I was with my friend and we were at the spot where we used to buy weed(i wasn't going to smoke it) from and out of nowhere i had this deja vu feeling and sky looked very fake.I felt like i was dreaming and everything felt unreal. I was shattered(most unreal i had felt even though i had not smoked anything).This is where this DPD journey began.I told my friend that i dont feel well and i am having panic attacks. We came home and i was stuck in this dreamy state.

Mid March-Mid April 
- During this time-period i only experienced DR(Derealization) not DP(Depersonalization).I experienced it 24/7. 
These were my symptoms:
1.Felt like i was dreaming
2.Everything felt unreal
3.World looked pretty one-dimensional.
4.Time seemed distorted
5.Bright lights intensified these symptoms
I was pretty much shattered. My faith was shaken. I had nothing to hold onto. I looked normal to everyone but to me.I couldnt focus on anything other than DPDR. I googled, read(and re-read) each damn post on dpselfhelp,reddit. I watched(and rewatched) every single video related to DPDR on youtube.I couldnt help but notice all the negative stuff on these sites. This fuelled my Anxiety. later, i started having severe stomach pain fuelled by anxiety. I had headaches 24/7.i couldnt eat much. I could sleep hardly for 2-3 hours that
too listening to sleep meditation videos on youtube only to wake up to experience this hell again. I was already broken but i was yet to experience the most evil thing there is, Depersonalization.

Mid April-April End
- I was experiencing DP as well(24/7).
These were my symptoms:
1.Couldnt recognize myself in the mirror
2.Couldnt recognize my parents
3.My voice sounded unfamiliar to me 
4.Hands looked as if they were attached to me
5.Felt like i was floating
6.Had intrusive thoughts
7.Felt like i am observing myself(out of body)
8.Humans looked like aliens
9.Two person feeling

Depersonalization is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. It took away the sense of 'Me'. I was experiencing this out of body experience. I was a stranger to me. I remember, during this time i had to fill this form to apply to this college and i had to fill details about me. it was very weird,i felt like i was filling in details of this stranger which resides in myself. I used to feel very bad for me. I couldn't watch TV,movies as i was stuck with these painful thoughts all the time. I used to cry in front my parents who were very supportive all the time and asked me if i wanted to get treatment. I was desperate to get out of this hell . i was ready to do anything. i had read that doing yoga,meditation,playing video games have helped some sufferers to recover. i started doing exercise,yoga.I also started playing video games,reading books. days were passing and i was doing no progress whatsoever.i was getting frustrated and feared permanent depersonalization.

May-June(1st week)

- i realized that i was trying too much to get out of this situation.i slowed down a little and practiced 'acceptance'(Swamy G videos on youtube). i developed 'dont care' attitude about DPDR. i started doing what i had to do inspite of this scary thing. i learnt driving throughout this period(trippy AF when u are DPDRed,not recommended! ),earlier i couldnt get out of home but i gathered courage to travel solo for some work that i had to do. i realized that i can have fun even when DPDRed which made me believe that brain is just 
another part of body and u can have fun even when u are DPDRed. My fear of DPDR started vanishing. i started thinking about it a lot lesser. Things started to get better. now,i could watch movies,listen songs without getting distracted. a lot of DP symptoms started vanishing as i went on. now i am free of DP symptoms. DR is still there but it doesnt bother me now and i am in much better place compared to where i was two months ago.

My thoughts on DPDR
-(Even though i am not completely recovered,i would like to share experience so far and what has been working for me!)

DPDR breaks you, makes you question your very existence.The things you took for granted once will be snatched from you. Although you faith is shaken,you are going to have to face this 'Bewilderment'. Nobody can pull you out of this situation but YOU. I stopped explaining what i was going through when i understood that nobody is going to get me. i started doing nothing about DPDR and kept on doing what i had to do. Doing 'Nothing' about DPDR worked wonders for me!. Yes,'Nothing'. When it comes to DPDR, you gotta
do 'Nothing'. At least, thats what is working for me. Start focusing on things that you are bound to do and do nothing about DPDR. it will be hard at first,but you will get used to it.Lot of your symptoms will get away,if you do nothing about it. I promise!


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