# Do you feel like you have the wrong identity?



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I've come a long way since this all started (I think), but I'm constantly frustrated about not feeling like "me". It's hard to put into words, it's like I've been someone else, and it's been a feeling that has been changing all of the time for two years. A new feeling to my identity or something, like I said, frustrating and impossible to explain. 
The really frustrating part is of course the fact that I can't take my "self" out of my head and look at it, and then compare it with my OLD self, which I feel is the "right" one. In other words, something feels very wrong, but I'm not sure what it is, how to fix it, or if I'm just a nutcase neurotic and I really am who I used to be two years ago before it hit.

It really messes up my relationship, as it's when I'm with my partner I can truly feel something's different about who I am inside. So I try and make excuses to stay away from him. Not a good solution in the long run! It also breaks my heart to have a two-year-old son I've only been "me" with for a month, and I don't really feel like I can connect with him, or feel like he's mine.
I have glimpses of reality where I see him like myself, and it's so different and wonderful, that's how I sort of know. It's one second tops, then I'm this freaking idiot persona again, whom I hate and can't figure out what is.

This is seriously bothering me, to the point of not seeing how I can go on. My old life just seems so alien, like it couldn't have been mine, yet I long for it with every fiber of my being. I want to be me, but is that even possible?

If someone has gone through these things (which I hope is just stages on the way to recovery), please give me some words of encouragement.


----------



## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

I know this feeling for sure!

I know what you mean here. It's like they got to know you on this different level that you're on, but that's not the real you. Only you for now. I totally experience this and can relate to your feeling of staying away. I've stayed out of relationships because I feel like I might get stuck being the person I am now because of getting comfortable in the mode that my girlfriend would know me in. I've stayed away hoping that I can get back to me, then get in a serious relationship

Hang in there! I'm slowly reconnecting to myself. I think it's due to the supps and GOD of course #1


----------



## raphus cucullatus (Feb 6, 2008)

I constantly struggle with my identities too.

Ever since my DP started I've felt like a person who fell into this body and had to slowly pick up myself and all the pieces in her life. I had little memory of the past and in time the memories and childhood memories starting coming back but somehow no emotional connection them yet, they are still just memories (like looking at photos -which was really difficult for me and even now I can't connect emotionally to my old self)

Same with the connection to family members, it was a new relationship with everyone, it was easy to walk away from parents who I no longer had any connection with and there was nothing to build on when things got difficult.

At the same time, it's not all bad. I try not to compare myself with my "old self" I'm a new person in almost every day, I dress differently, my hair is different, I do things differently, that's the best I can do.

How about trying to build a new relationship with your son? From personal experience I found it very hard to force what I had in the past, all my energy goes there and it gets me no where.

I don't have any children but anyone who knew me knew my pets were my children, and I have 0 connection to them after DP, even now, five years later I have nothing (because I never tried) 
I've regained some connection to my sisters by rebuilding new relationships.


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

What you both say sounds very much like what its like for me too. I've been through this twice before, and last time I went back to being myself without any problem, as it wasn't that severe then (no DR or something).

First time however I completely lost my connection to my family (I was 18 by the time it was over; lasted 2 years) and it's never really came back. I just felt like the biological me, like the me I am in THIS life, went away, and I had to start over experiencing and becoming another me. It wasn't a struggle, but it was confusing that all of a sudden my family was just a bunch of people I pretended to care about. And the act continues to this day, 15 years later. (Just want to add I've been really happy without DP for 12 years despite this).

I don't have the luxury of just moving on now that I have two children and a partner though, and also I really really miss what we had and can't let go of those memories. I've realized now that I'll never be the same (how could anyone be after going through this hell), but I'd like to be me with added experience, not a me that has just fallen out of the skies.. Again.

It's confusing like you both say, and I too struggle with not wanting to get comfortable with THIS identity, as I want my old one back just the way I left it. I compulsively try to not pick up any new habits or interests as that would alter what I know I was, even if part of me know how crazy that is. I have a fear that everything I add to my life NOW, takes me another step away from the me I want back. You probably know what I mean.

The good thing is, other people really don't notice you've changed, it's only something we feel deep inside, so even if you enter a relationship still feeling DP'd, you'll just feel better and more healthy as DP loses it's grip on you, more whole.
I know that. And connecting to someone is very fast once you're well again, it just falls into place.

I have no idea what to do about relationships prior to DP though, that's the big one for me. I feel like I have taken another girls life from her, like my family just arrived by mail with a short description of who the mother (me) is supposed to be. "You are starring as Anne, outgoing, imaginative, into books and walks in the park, good luck, love C.I.A ". That's where I'm at.

Well, thank you for both of your replies, it's good to know I'm not alone. I really hope I can come back here one day and say everything we experience is just confusing and crazy symptoms of a mental defense mechanism, and that now it seems like everything was just a long, bad but thankfully very distant dream.


----------



## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I know what you mean. I've stayed out of romantic relationships for most of the 8 years that I've had dp, and I think it's partly due to that feeling that no one can know the real me, partly because dp/dr says there IS no real me. What people see seems like a mask, or a dream, and whatever me they think they might like, or dislike, for that matter, is just part of that same show happening way out there, in that not-quite-real space.

Fortunately, I seem to be getting better at going through the motions of having relationships, even if they're not the romantic kind for now; I have friends who know about my dp, and part of me knows that they know me, I think







.


----------



## raphus cucullatus (Feb 6, 2008)

dpsince2002 said:


> I know what you mean. I've stayed out of romantic relationships for most of the 8 years that I've had dp, and I think it's partly due to that feeling that no one can know the real me, partly because dp/dr says there IS no real me. What people see seems like a mask, or a dream, and whatever me they think they might like, or dislike, for that matter, is just part of that same show happening way out there, in that not-quite-real space.
> 
> Fortunately, I seem to be getting better at going through the motions of having relationships, even if they're not the romantic kind for now; I have friends who know about my dp, and part of me knows that they know me, I think
> 
> ...


I've never thought of it that way. My relationship came after DP but I never compared it to my old self, although I know it would never have really worked out with my old self (I was too different) but I don't worry about going back there honestly, I don't think I will so my relationship should be ok (whoever I am is who I am and that's who the person I met got to know)


----------



## Surreal_Life (Sep 2, 2010)

Yep, that's me, word for word. I am grieving for my old self, angry that she is "gone" (?) It feels like a death. I go between feeling like I don't exist and feeling like a new personality is living my life, with her own thoughts and interests. (Not like multiple personalities though.) I do not like this person. I want to be me again! Then I think, well maybe this is the new me and I just have to accept it. This is who I've turned into. Therapists who don't know anything about DP say things to me like "Well, no one stays the same. Everyone changes. Everyone develops new interests." Umm, no. DP is a different universe and unless you've been thrown into it you have no idea what it is like. Human language can't express it. The feeling of looking into the mirror and seeing someone else looking at you out of eyes that used to be yours is not something anyone should have to go through. At least we know we're not alone...

Hav e you heard of a "walk-in"? (New Age term.) These are people who believe another soul took over their body. Sounds like a metaphor for DP to me. The encouraging thing is that, according to my informal internet research : ) some of these people are "someone else" for decades. They learn to accept it, maybe embrace it, they feel it is permanent...then, sometimes, when they least expect it, their self comes back. They see it really was a defense mechanism.

I hope that happens to me. Meanwhile, I am trying to work with who I am now, have the best life I can.


----------



## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

To all in regards to this topic- ....been having a slight breakthrough with this after resuming my use of flax seed oil, B-12, B-6, folic acid, and 5HTP. I've experienced slight breakthrough's of returning before and realized that it was when I was taking the above supplements. Just resumed them a couple days ago and have already had short spurts of the old feel.... this disconnection seems like a smaller version of alzheimer's at times. And it makes since that those with A lack the fatty acids within the brain. Flax oil and phosphatidylserine provide those. I need to get back on the PS also. I'll update in another week or so after consistent intake with the above. Also, I just started exercising twice daily, and I think that may have some benefit to the 'return to old' also. 
Best,
Fogman


----------



## Interested (Mar 14, 2010)

Nicely described York! Yes exactly my experience with DP. You feel as if you are a different person. And you spend every waking minute trying to get back to how you used to be. Then you experience brief, rare moments where the DP stops and you feel completely well again - like your old self. This lasts for between 3-5 seconds. Then the DP comes back.

I once said in a post I think that one of the tell tales sign someone might have DP is if they say things like "I just don't feel like my normal self", or "I just want to get back to how I used to be" or "I want to feel like my normal self again". etc etc

Interestingly the brief moments of wellness that are so rare and come from out of the blue before have been mentioned in at least 2 books I have on DP.

thanks for the post!


----------



## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

Exactly! 3-5 seconds is as long as they last for me as well. The first two seconds it feels so good, then you like panic and feel naked, unprotected and you slide back into the fog. At least for me, that's how it is. I've had one last up to 30 seconds just one time. I think I couldn't hang onto it because I started to feel embarassed about how I'd acted during my dp state.


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I hope feeling normal for a few seconds means it's really all there still, behind a door you just can't open yet. I have started to feel more normal after taking folic acid, and that's been a real eye-opener. Maybe things aren't as complex and crazy as it seems, maybe it's just a big bluff.

Thank you all for the replies, it's amazing how similar our experiences are. It gives me hope.


----------

