# Can't explain whats happening



## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

It's 545 in the morning I've been awake all night. I have become consumed by panic and anxiety about my thought dissociation. The fact that I am thinking all the time and it feels like it's not me. The fact that today I have never felt truley hopeless about what has happened to me. Maybe I have finally come to terms with the fact that something horrible has happened to me and there is no way out. I don't blame anyone, it's just something that has happened that I cannot cope with any longer. Today I am being a man about this, I'm not living another day in hell. One last trip to hospital and if they still can't help I'm out of this shit for good. I've had enough of lying awake, desperatley wanting to sleep, with fuckiing full panic attacks. Trying to build a life, only to have this shit strip it all down and batter every bit of hope out of you. I'd like to say I don't think k ever deserved this, I wasn't a bad person, I can't believe things like this could happen to people, it makes me seriously doubt the existance of some type of god. The extent to which I suffer everyday, I can't explain it, it's too much for me anymore. You may call me a coward, but you can never know what hell is until you are there. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am not prepared to live in this way anymore


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

dancingwobbler said:


> It's 545 in the morning I've been awake all night. I have become consumed by panic and anxiety about my thought dissociation. The fact that I am thinking all the time and it feels like it's not me. The fact that today I have never felt truley hopeless about what has happened to me. Maybe I have finally come to terms with the fact that something horrible has happened to me and there is no way out. I don't blame anyone, it's just something that has happened that I cannot cope with any longer. Today I am being a man about this, I'm not living another day in hell. One last trip to hospital and if they still can't help I'm out of this shit for good. I've had enough of lying awake, desperatley wanting to sleep, with fuckiing full panic attacks. Trying to build a life, only to have this shit strip it all down and batter every bit of hope out of you. I'd like to say I don't think k ever deserved this, I wasn't a bad person, I can't believe things like this could happen to people, it makes me seriously doubt the existance of some type of god. The extent to which I suffer everyday, I can't explain it, it's too much for me anymore. You may call me a coward, but you can never know what hell is until you are there. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am not prepared to live in this way anymore


I understand exactly where you are at. Walk into the hospital and tell them that if they turn you away you are going to kill yourself. Scream, cry, throw crap, FREAK OUT. Make them admit you.

I was in exactly the same place with those thoughts and I took Lamictal (lamotrigene) and it stopped them for good. I hope that they actually give you medication and help you.

I hope that we hear from you again. I don't want you to kill yourself. It makes me very sad. I wish that I had something happier to say. I don't. Just that I understand your suffering and I don't want to see you lost because of it.


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

dancingwobbler said:


> It's 545 in the morning I've been awake all night. I have become consumed by panic and anxiety about my thought dissociation. The fact that I am thinking all the time and it feels like it's not me. The fact that today I have never felt truley hopeless about what has happened to me. Maybe I have finally come to terms with the fact that something horrible has happened to me and there is no way out. I don't blame anyone, it's just something that has happened that I cannot cope with any longer. Today I am being a man about this, I'm not living another day in hell. One last trip to hospital and if they still can't help I'm out of this shit for good. I've had enough of lying awake, desperatley wanting to sleep, with fuckiing full panic attacks. Trying to build a life, only to have this shit strip it all down and batter every bit of hope out of you. I'd like to say I don't think k ever deserved this, I wasn't a bad person, I can't believe things like this could happen to people, it makes me seriously doubt the existance of some type of god. The extent to which I suffer everyday, I can't explain it, it's too much for me anymore. You may call me a coward, but you can never know what hell is until you are there. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am not prepared to live in this way anymore


So i've always had some level of insomnia. It would kind of come and go and I would have different effects... half asleep or whatever.

So lately i'll get into those strange half awake modes.. This morning I found myself talking about DP (in my head). So basically I fell asleep and then at some point I dont know what was going on but I was "talking to poeple" in my head about DP. Yeah, so lame. Just chatting away. And as I would wake up i'd realize all this shit had been going on. Just out of it thinking about DP over and over and given my state it can be strange like when I talk about DP I convince myself of things like it will go away soon or that sleep will fix it. Anything. Its just whack. I get like that before I fall asleep too. Sometimes conciousness will drag on and my thoughts will get more "out of hand" and i'll do repetative tasks including my work/job tedium over and over and over. I'll build a computer in my frickin head talking about the classic differences between AMD and Intel and the story of Cyrix.

Its crazy!! I lived with that type of shit. I just wish I didn't have DP/DR and all the wacky issues I have now. I was already jacked up like that. Making it worse is just horrible.

I've been doing better during the day. I take suppliments and meds which I hope to post about this weekend. Some of Tommygunz stuff. But my brain is still wacked. Its crazy to think back and realize other times i've had this sort of thing.. episodes. but now its just too frequent. Its like the difference between a boat that rocks and water sometimes splashes in, vs it just getting to a point where its sinking and the water is pouring in on all sides.

Hey, may be tonight i'll talk to nobody in my head about alternative fuels which will eventually get distorted and obscure. Then wake up tomorrow in a brain fog of self reassuring DP/DR recovery blabber.


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I understand exactly where you are at. Walk into the hospital and tell them that if they turn you away you are going to kill yourself. Scream, cry, throw crap, FREAK OUT. Make them admit you.
> 
> I was in exactly the same place with those thoughts and I took Lamictal (lamotrigene) and it stopped them for good. I hope that they actually give you medication and help you.
> 
> I hope that we hear from you again. I don't want you to kill yourself. It makes me very sad. I wish that I had something happier to say. I don't. Just that I understand your suffering and I don't want to see you lost because of it.


Lamictal is the only drug I've thought about but have not tried yet. SSRI and Kpin yes, but not Lamotrigene yet. Kinda scared to fire that one up, it seems like a big responsibility. But if its really that good! I'm afraid at that point drugs would almost be controlling my life. living around their particulars and never really understanding what is doing what to what.

Dancing Wobbler: Yeah man you gotta give some things a try first. I dunno. I suppose you could say when you feel like you got nothing to lose then you can try anything.... and just put suicide at the bottom of the list. Thats how I started trying a few things I thought I never ever would, starting with Melatonin, moving to SSRI's. and even up to Klonopin. A drug I thought i'd never touch my entire life. Actually I didn't even know what a Benzo was until this disorder. But when pushed to the wall there are a few things to try I suppose.

Try the hospital like she said. I dunno. I wish I had answers.


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## feministcat (May 4, 2010)

Blue Tank - I love your posts and your Pink DP/DR Elephant.

Dancing Wobbler - It is Hell.. but you most hold out for healing because what if there was incredible joy in your future.. you just never know and like Blue Tank said.. just put suicide at the bottom of the list and try meds or anything else first.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

i just woke up, so im heading to A and e right now, again. its just ive got to the point with this thought poroblem, where just cannot be alive with it anymore. I cant describe it but its like everything i think is wrong, and everything i think, everyword is tearing inside my head, its just indescribable its fucked.


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## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

dancingwobbler said:


> i just woke up, so im heading to A and e right now, again. its just ive got to the point with this thought poroblem, where just cannot be alive with it anymore. I cant describe it but its like everything i think is wrong, and everything i think, everyword is tearing inside my head, its just indescribable its fucked.


Hello Kane
I'm trying to send you a PM,but without success.It seems that your mail box is full.
I would really like to send you a message.


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

double post. sorry

glad you like my posts feministcat


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Try to describe it. You don't have to. But i'd like to hear a description of it as best as you can. or if you have before, just point a link.


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