# Girl Interrupted Story: Having a flashback of suicidal ideations.



## Uncomfortably_Numb (Sep 26, 2013)

This evening I was just laying on my couch, attempting to watch a movie (I am unable to absorb TV) when I started having a panic attack, out of thin air. In my head I was visualizing myself attempting suicide....this happened in February of 2012. Epiphany - on this actual day. I was in my 3rd month of having DP and could not stand myself. I didn't want to live another minute being a shell of what once was. So I took 60 (0.5mg) Ativan pills my absentminded physician prescribed. I recall taking one, going outside for my last cigarette, sitting on a bench my deceased grandfather had built. It was broken, in pieces; withering away from the harsh conditions of the world. I could relate. I came back inside, took the other 59 in handfuls. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the intensive care unit. My father had found me laying on the kitchen floor, foaming at the mouth, eyes rolled back in my head. With a Dole banana sticker on my ore head that said, "Place Sticker on Forehead and Smile." The weird thing is, I thought weeks before this it would've been a cute idea for a picture to do that. I was SO angry at my dad for saving my life. I felt like death would've saved me. End result, I stayed in a psych ward for 14 days, forced to take the very antidepressants that caused me DP in the first place. It is 2 years later, I still have DP, I still need saved. All the images of that incident were running through my head, like a horror film being displayed on my eyelids. I just had to get this off my mind...


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## Ivan Hawk (Jan 22, 2010)

What caused your DP? Depression is something I have significant experience with as well. The time I fell pretty deep in it took some crawling out step by step, change by change, reassessment by reassessment, complete revival of a purpose to wake up everyday. It's all about having dreams, drives, and excitement - mental stimulation of the mind that gets you energized and going instead of a mental stagnation of dull lazy boredom. The brain may seem complex...but the overall concept of curing depression is not. What feels cold and lost must be gradually replaced with warmth and strength. It's gradual shifting of habits to create dynamic mental/physical changes to structures that are causing the issue. It is fortunate you survived...you have another chance to gradually turn the tables in this life and feel more alive.

What helped me was living with more "truth" in the world - the truth that our brain can gradually change quite dramatically to feel less depressed and anxiety with the right habits and experiences to change it.  Getting good at realizing many short-term pains of facing things can lead to long-term gains (usually experience). I'd realized a lot of what contributed to depression was a collection of many poor habits, toxic things, people, places. I'd seen a new dawn of the ability to live a new life if I'd change enough. With practice of confronting the pains in life and engaging more aspirations (building these habits), I built an arsenal of self prosperity in what I do and who I am. An added warm zen to the mind when times get tough - to realize there are more meaningful things in life beyond the monotony of ignorance that surrounds too much of a society.


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## Uncomfortably_Numb (Sep 26, 2013)

My DP was caused by starting & stopping / switching multiple high dose antidepressants, in a very short period of time. I quit the last one, Cymbalta, cold turkey. I had made the mistake of having my primary care doctor handle my depression as opposed to a more experienced psychiatrist.

Thank you for reading my post & for your undeniably insightful reply. In regards to finding things in life that positively stimulate my brain, I fear I'm in a near constant state of fog. Things that should have me jumping for joy have no affect on my mood. I honestly forgot what elation feels like. I attribute that to low levels of serotonin and dopamine..."the happy neurotransmitters." Which clearly have been damaged from the SSRIs I was taking. When I'm doing an activity I normally would've enjoyed, I don't feel physically or mentally present 99% of the time. Perhaps there are toxic things in my life I could rid of as well....something's got to give. I get by day by day, only from telling myself "your brain will heal itself."

I wish I could leave the past in the past but it comes back to haunt me. The words, "If I had done this differently.." Come up often. How different life could've been today had I been more aware of what I was doing to myself years ago. I realize thinking about that will not benefit me today whatsoever. I will heed your advice though, and hope for a better tomorrow. I'm happy to hear you've battled depression & won.


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## NEEDMOREBLAZE (Apr 8, 2013)

You don't have the power to change the past, but you do have the ability to understand that the past and forgive it so that it no longer affects you in the present. Step one is stop believing that you have damaged your brain beyond repair and there are all of these things wrong with you that prevent you from living a full life. I'm sorry to hear of your suicide attempt, I hate to hear that anyone gets to that point but after battling with DP and other ridiculous mental ailments, I can understand the feeling and appeal.

You "fear" that you're in a constant state of fog, "somethings got to give" , "I wish i could leave the past" sounds alot like learned helplessness, you can overcome these fears and face them. Our minds are tricked very easily in this sense...for instance, if I have a panic attack at the movies, then the next time I go to the movies I will fear having a panic attack. Emotional responses are the same, if you fear you will attempt suicide again, then everytime you think of your first suicide attempt panic will follow.

KILL THE FEAR is always the first step to recovery in my opinion


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## AMUNT (Dec 10, 2013)

meds can cure dp/dr too, try them..


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## AMUNT (Dec 10, 2013)

SolomonOrlando said:


> Well, medication can cure the cause of dissociation, but not the dissociation directly.


explain..


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