# My own little story



## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

Hey all,

It's been years since I contributed to this group and it's likely that I won't in the future because time is so tight for me these days; life has the taken best of me, I guess you could say. Anyway, I remember the days when I was diseased with depersonalization, how frightening it was and how alone it made me feel and I felt as though I owed it to everyone on this board to reveal the fact that I am - without a doubt - out of the abyss.

My first encounter with depersonalization and the whole depersonalized state was in elementary school as a child. I vividly remember, to this day, a feeling of weirdness that would overcome me then; almost like I was floating above and out of the situation I was currently in. At that time - as a little dude - it never seemed to bother me, but as I got older the fun feeling turned into one of first annoyance, then nervousness, and then pure fear.

It seemed as though the more absorbed in things I became, the less it would bother me - but the feelings would always surface. In college my life started to take another direction and I became overly aware, once again, of the feelings - but this time it drove me to great depths of depression, drugs, alcohol and all other kinds of fun little nasties. I eventually dropped out of college and couldn't stand living with the feelings (say it - the "fear") that all of this was some cosmic side show that I was a part of, someplace where I was a puppet on someone's strings.

....a few years pass and I become married, then shortly thereafter divorced. I can't say with absolute certainty, but I do believe the disorder had a lot to do with the maladaptive relationship I was in with my then-wife. I got divorced, like I said, moved out and found this newsgroup...met some friends, stepped on a few toes, etc. but all in all learned a lot about myself. I eventually started to crawl out of the cave and started to live a bit more each day - and finally wound up feeling good enough to leave behind the board and find my own way. I'm now living life quite well: I own two houses, two cars, a nice business and a beautiful girlfriend. I got out of it fair and square.

The great tragedy behind all of this, however, is that once someone gets better they often leave behind those that *aren't* better.

Guys - the world is actually quite a beautiful place. The cloud you're in right now seems like total despair; you feel as though you're never going to get out of it. You stare at the wall and wonder where all of this comes from, only to frighten the hell out of yourself as you suddenly realize "this is real - I'm real, I can be hurt, it's right there...all of it....I can't run". But it's not total despair, there is a hope and there is a way.

The problem with the *cure* - at least mine - was that it took me 26 years to finally put up the courage, patience and willingness to go after it. I, like many people, encountered the fear and ran back to my corner and immediately deduced that this attempt at a "fix" once again failed. But - not necessary so. I learned one thing - patient persistence. You must stick down the right path - you can't let the little fallbacks and the times where you fail make you believe you're headed in the wrong direction. Because the answer is in activity - it's in action; and you must continue to work on this action every day.

Life is an active sport, it's not something won by sitting and watching, and you only begin to feel alive when you feel all of life's little pains; it's ups, downs, arounds, etc. You must, first, believe in yourself and that you are a decent being worth getting out of this disorder SIMPLY BECUASE YOU CAN MUSTER BREATH. You are worth gettng out of this because you are alive - and since you are alive you are just as beautiful as the memories you have when things weren't this bad. You must, second, take a deep breath, open the door, and walk out into the world and ENGAGE. It will seem weird, wrong, fake and phony at first - you will feel as though you are a puppet on strings and that nothing is starting to take shape, but eventually (and trust me, it will happen), you'll walk out one morning and look at a flower, the grass, the sun, the clouds or SOMETHING and appreciate that THING for its beauty - totally without the feeling of staring at it through the fog or through the window of illusion. You will feel.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying is taking hold with anyone - perhaps some of you stopped reading because this is somewhat long, but the cure can only come to you when you have patience. I guess if you neve made it this far, you're perhaps not ready. But there is an answer to all of this and its found by engaging in your dreams, your hopes and facing your fears directly and demanding they can't win. And they will win in the short run.

But they won't - it won't - win in the long run. Good luck. You're on the way.

Get busy living or get busy dying, 
Ben


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## rui (Apr 27, 2005)

Persistence is the mother of all virtues. It was inevitable you would get better.


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Thanks Ben, it's always great to hear from people who have got out of this.

I wish you happiness : )


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## chris51 (Mar 21, 2005)

Thanks for posting. I am as the stage that you posted that lifes pain seems so strong. I want to run back in "my corner" but don't. Persistence. Persistence. Thanks for refocusing me.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Dear Ben, 
Your post certainly resonates with me: not so much to do with the depersonalisation itself but the sense of losing direction or path. I thank you for posting that.
Rozanne


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

thank you so much for this post m8 i was in the depths of despair tonight scrolling through hordes of internet pages on symptoms etc making myself dp/dr worse and worse but through the cloud that wouldn`t let me take in the other information i managed to take in ures and i read from start to finnish taking in everything u have said which is rare for someone as ill as me thank you a true inspiration to us all i hope u really are doing this well for ureself.


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## Yourimotte (Oct 5, 2016)

This is so true ! I remember one day i woke up and it's like the dp-switch had been turned off... and i could sense the world in a more real way. Then everything became more real each day.Now everyday is so nice, i have found my life back. This is such an amazing feeling, and ordinary people (those without dp) take all this for granted. You are so right ben. There is hope and you can't let your fears take a hold on you, even if it is easier said then done.

Bless you ben


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