# Disproportionate guilt?



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Hi there. Long time no see.

Just a quick question: Disproportionate guilt anyone? 
It seems to be the one emotion I really can't handle. 
I tend to turn it into anger or aleviate it through self-harm: Basically, I am short handed on legit coping mechanisms for this one and as much as I am aware that I make mountains out of mole hills when guilt comes over me it's like a tidal wave: All enguling 
Leaving me feeling like I am about to drown. Or lose my sanity in the onslaught of it.

I am far from rational in these situations so while before and after I could tell you that these emotions are triggered by small errors on my part that I should work on but that should not leave me feeling worthless, like a monster etc. at the time that just does not compute. I get swept away.

Judging by the coping strategies I do employ in these situations (saying sorry over and over, transferral to rage, self harm)
I don't think I've ever learnt to deal with these emotions.

So, ehem. How do you deal with guilt? Is the way you perceive guilt anything like mine? Sometimes I think it is the strongest emotion I can imagine. More so than love or hate. Any takers?


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

pancake said:


> Hi there. Long time no see.
> 
> Just a quick question: Disproportionate guilt anyone?
> It seems to be the one emotion I really can't handle.
> ...


I'm not sure I can answer your question, but I would like to comment. I have experienced major depression. Not the garden variety blues, but the clinical blackhole type with insomnia and 5g's of anxiety. In conjunction with feelings of extreme morbidity, I also noted two distinct emotions. One was a profound sense of hopelessness. The other was a profound sense of guilt. I was frightened to death at the power of these feelings. I searched for external events and stimulus that would explain them. I was willing to make amends or beg forgiveness as necessary, to remedy my feelings of guilt. Whatever it took, I wanted to resolve those feelings. But, these emotions were not being caused by external events or stimulus. They were a byproduct of my sick brain. They were irrational emotions. They were lies. I was looking for exterior reasons for these emotions, but I was looking in the wrong place. It wasn't obvious to me at that time. We are conditioned to accept our emotions as eminating from
external events. I read a book "The broken Brain" by Nancy Andreasen MD,Phd.
In that book, there are several examples of people who suffered irrational guilt associated with depression, and how they acted on those emotions. By reading this book, I began to understand the parameters of my depression. 
The book can be read on-line at google books. Bring it up and search guilt. Use your cognitive brain to determine what part of your guilt is rational, and what part may be irrational and related to depression.


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## Daniel C (Jun 24, 2010)

pancake said:


> *So, ehem. How do you deal with guilt? Is the way you perceive guilt anything like mine? Sometimes I think it is the strongest emotion I can imagine. More so than love or hate. Any takers?*


1. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:

2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3. Conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

As you can see, guilt can be a rather good thing. Guilt can allow you to be aware of what your moral standards actually are.

As long as you have learned WHY you feel guilty and have learned a lesson from the reason you feel guilty, then you're doing alright.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

sounds like it could be a trauma thing.

you've got guilt, and apparently either 1. a need to punish yourself for doing/not doing/etc whatever it is you feel guilty about , or 2. the pain helps you distract from or release the emotions

i went on a medication for Si that i swear worked like magic, if it gets to a level where you dont want to handle it by therapy alone, might be worth a try

guilt is a very very very very common problem with survivors


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Thank you so much for your replies, much appreciated









Once upon a time I went through a period of major depression too and experienced constant irrational guilt at the time. No fun when you feel personally responsibile for all that is bad in the world.

I don't think that is what's happening right now though. This emotional onslaught of guilt occurs in situations where it is appropriate, just not to the level in which I experience it. Also the pattern I fall into to cope with this is not healthy. I think it actually starts off with a regular sized little tap from my conscience and then snowballs into oblivion..

While my childhood was peachy in many ways in some it really wasn't. I am amazed at the amount of crazy behaviours I've picked up from my Mom when my Dad was the picture of well adjustedness and reliability all the way. Sod's law.

Spending a couple of weeks at my parents' together with my husband some time ago was a real eye opener. It allowed me to view our family dynamic from a different perspective for the first time. What I witnessed allowed me to throw off a lot of irrational guilt I had felt towards my Mom. I used to feel sorry for negative habits and behaviours of mine which I now know I actually learnt from her. I guess the only way I knew to protect myself from certain situations was to copy her. It's like I have a twisted version of her in here with me. When I was a teen my inner voice spoke with her voice whenever I put myself down, which I did constantly back then. Creepy times. Thankfully my inner monolog is a lot more amicable these days









My Mom has a lot of the qualities found in borderline personalities. When I upset her (which happened all the time) we always followed the same pattern: Outbursts from her, outburst from me, period of being ignored/cold shoulder, negating a couple of double binds (don't act like a toe rag vs you're not sorry enough - don't cry vs you're cold and emotionless) and eventual accepatance of profuse apologies accompanied by a final verbal slap down. It became a finely tuned dance over the years. After the air had been cleared we would zone out, forgetting the whole affair. Mind wipe. My whole family are masters of dissociation.

I know this pattern so well it's shit hard to deviate from it. Rationally, I know how I should handle guilt (apologize once, note to self on how behaviour should be amended, move on). But all too often I become overwhelmed by the severity of the emotion and in the heat of the moment I take the beaten track: apologize profusely, angry outburst, apologize again, displacement, zone out etc.

I think it doesn't help that I spent so much of my life dealing with DP. It comes and goes so when I do experience emotions at full blast I easily become overwhelmed. It's like I lack experience. And a healthy mechanism.

Oh well, until last year I thought it was all just me. I guess I am learning, albeit slowly.
One to work on I guess. I wish brains/behaviours were like anti virus programs. Hit the fix button and be done with it









Thanks again - your replies got me thinking about this in a more structured way and while some things can't be reasoned away it's a step along the way.


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