# i should go out and carve a life for myself



## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

this was mentioned to me tonight by my dad when i told him hed messed up all the channels on cable t.v

but do you know what hes correct thats exactly what i should be doing,but it scares the shit out of me.....has anyone here been thrown out on there arse before onto the street and had to fend for themselves even while suffering immense dp ? 
i dont know what it is but im scared of being in my own skin while im recovering it feels as though i need that constant security with me...this has to be what a nervous breakdown feels like


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## Guest (Aug 10, 2004)

When I first got stuck dealing with all of this It was a month before I was supposed to start my full-time college career. I just graduated from high school and I was experiencing a breakdown due to the transition in my life. We're talking EXTREME anxiety and DR/DP. All I did was lay in bed and cry. I hated life, I hated myself. I hated being in my own skin. I can't tell you how many times I talked myself out of suicide.

When I applied for college I was anxiety DR/DP free. Its the college of my dreams and the bachelor degree of my dreams. I was so so so excited for my future. Anxiety hit me like a brick wall. I couldn't get past it, I couldn't push it, I couldn't figure out how to climb it.

I remember a week before classes started I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to go anymore... I was set in that. I didn't leave the house, there was no way I could attend class for goodness sakes! My mom and I were talking and she was crying because she was heartbroken that I wasn't following my dreams anymore. She said the most beautiful words. She said, "It's a shame you're not fighting harder, look how special you are, look at this life you've been given, look at all the oppurtunities youre passing up, look at everything you've made for yourself so you could get to this point. And you're giving up. You're going to sit in your bedroom and feel sorry for yourself."

I'll tell you something. That night I went outside. I went for a walk. I hated every step of it because I was still trapped inside of my head. The next day I went to Target, did some shopping, almost had to leave because I was freaking out the entire time, that night I had a friend over to watch a movie, the next day, I did more, the next day I did even more, the next day I got in my car and drove to get fast food, I PUSHED myself SO hard to get out of my bedroom and go outside and do something. I'm not saying I enjoyed going out and doing something but a 1,000 mile journey takes every single step to get there. And I'll tell you something else. The day class started I was there. I was front row center and I was ready to do what I had been dying to do for my whole life - go to college and eventually become a professional photographer.

I am so aware of how crippling this disorder is. It takes the life out of you. But remember this next time youre sitting home and feeling awful, there is no magical pill, there is no overnight recovery, this is no special word you can say to heal yourself, there is only your will power and the determination you STILL have inside of you.

Right now it's been a month of school. I feel worlds better about myself. I'm not healed by any means but I'm taking all of the right steps to recover. I love school. I'm getting A's and B's on the work I turn in. I have days where I feel completely normal, there is always the day during the course of the week where I cry and hate the way I feel/felt. But I'll tell you what, I would much rather have 2-3 days out of the week of feeling better than sitting at home for all 7 and crying about my problems.

It's never too late 
So try to create faith
because the last thing that breaks is your faith

Like I said, even if it scares you, even if you hate it, even if you feel like you're never going to feel better again, GO OUT AND TRY. You're not getting anywhere if you don't try.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

hey thanks !
yeh its a strange one for me because im 33 and supposedly an adult,i actually went from being a child to being a man quite easily but somewhere along the line my nerve went and turned me into this person,this very awkward person that wants to be left alone but at the same time wants the reasurance that someone is there...
ive basically created quite a lonely life by pushing friends away as i felt this was the best way for me to deal with this plus my friends have all settled down so its not easy for me to pop around a friends house when im having a rough time...i just need to build up the security inside of me that i once had

all the best


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Fantastic advice there from Kari. I've been saying that for years, but it never comes across as well.

I sent a post to Lewis, a long-time DR/DP sufferer, with much the same 'advice'. In simple terms, while you are still sane - get the fuck out there and FIGHT. LIVE, or at least PRETEND ! If your legs fell off and you had to crawl over hot coals to get them back, you would, wouldn't you ? What is the alternative ? I tell you, there is none. None at all. It's not a matter of will at all, it's a matter of having no choice. It's a stark fact, but it's the truth. Live as best you can or suffer an eternity of misery. Ask yourself, what do you want to do? Even if you drag yourself out of your house trembling with fear and in a world of panic to do something, I promise you, if you continue to do that, time and time and time again, you will beat this bastard.

JC - to be blunt. I know you are trying, I know, pushing your boundaries, don't get me wrong, but does continually reporting your symptoms explain them ? No. It doesn't.

At the moment, I'm sitting at working literally trembling with anxiety and I'm so fucking depressed if someone gave me a pill that would give me an instant and painless death, then 99% of me would be tempted to take it. I am so goddam depressed that everything I look at is tainted with black. I'm sweating, light-headed, feeling sick, full of dread and a total lack of motivation...seemingly no future, no life.....but fuck it, I'm still here. WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE ?


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

are you sure your not still suffering from alcohol withdrawl,just from someone who knows i know how it can fuck up my thinking pattern beyond belief and im still withdrawing from alcohol but things are now seen in a different light....believe me when i say this martin and im not in the slightest way saying im better or worse off than you are but anxiety and depression i can deal with, dp 24/7 is a different matter altogether,i sometimes wish i could give my family dp just for a couple of minutes to see what it feels like,and i can tell you if i did they they would be running and screaming down the road as if they had lost there minds...
i have willpower like a fuckin ox but this bastard is still crazy as hell


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Perhaps JC, I don't know. I could be withdrawing from any number of things because I've just about given up all of my vices except excessive self-pleasure. But anyway, that's not the point really, for me anyway. Anxiety is anxiety is anxiety.

I'm not saying you haven't any willpower...not at all. You know I don't think that. But for me, anxiety and DR/DP were the same thing...they were interchangable. If I beat the anxiety, then I beat the DR/DP. I know it's not the same for other people.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

i like yourself have been doing a hell of alot of thinking and i know for a fact that alcohol creates enourmous anxiety for me but with alcohol its vicious because for what is maybe a feeling of relaxation that lasts 5 hours turns into a 6 day binge as im always topping myself up with booze so as to get rid of the anxiety that ive just created by drinking....and for me to recover i need to rid myself of the anxiety and the only way for me to do that is to stop drinking,its going to be tough but im going to stop,but i need to stop in the long term,but i know somewhere along the line im going to be bored and want to cop a buzz..but i dont know,it needs to be done in order to get off of this crazy trip


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I'm going back to the doctors today because I am so utterly fucked up, for what it's worth. I know far more than he does about this shit, so it seems pointless. It just still astonishes me that I'm not DR or DP...not that I want it !!!!! Jesus, god, no, I couldn't cope with that again. I feel like you do, completely out of answers....SSRI's didn't work, Valium works temporarily (as does booze) but can be self-defeating....therapy here is a joke, as you know.....so where do you go ?? What do you do ?

I can't explain how I feel except 'fucked up'. To me, that explains it perfectly. I sit here writing this and I haven't a clue how I can still function and still feel like this.

Ah, bollocks to it. I'm sick and tired of being anxious.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

EXACTLY !
the only way i got myself out of this mess last time was to basically spend 2 years smashed out of my brain on booze/parties/clubs etc,shrinks were useless,id learnt all the stopping anxiety and panic routines,in the end i took on a job driving and this got me out of myself to the point dp drifted away...

but this time christ knows, i figure its going to be pretty much the same,its going to be me whingeing and whinning on a website for 4 years then bam something will come along to change it all,fate usually lends me a hand in the end...but i feel possitive that im going to come out of this the other end a much better person...who knows until then i will just post my thoughts clear out my head and onwards and upwards


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## Reflection (Aug 12, 2004)

Hi Martin, just wanted to thank you and everyone else that responded to one of the posts I sent just before the board got hacked into. Just wanted to say that I having been trying like a bastard to get beter ever since my "breakdown" at University. I did try to go back to University for a second time the following year after all this really kicked in and believe me I felt so ill it is untrue, but I still forced myself to go back thinking that it would be the best thing to do, hoping that it would help me to get better and knowing that I couldn't possibly hold down a full time job in the state I was in. Anway I stuck it out for a whole year, God knows how but I did, I was a mess though and my dp never ceased despite all my best efforts. Anyway I did well in all my assignments but just couldn't get my head around revising or siting my exams and ended up dropping out again. Needless to say all this has really dented my confidence to say the least but I have still tried to force myself to do things regardless. I went back to college to try and do another A-level in History but realised that I was still too all over the place to make a real go of it. I have however been doing some voluntary work for a number of years now and completed an NVQ in Environmental management a couple of years ago. Anyway I've realised after all this time that I'm not sure if this dp is ever gonna leave me and so I'm gonna give things another go despite how bad I feel. I'm shit scared and not really sure if I am doing the right thing or if I will be able to manage it, but I have applied for an OU course starting this year. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things I've done since leaving Uni for the second time if not harder because its been 5yrs since I have really tried to study anything that academic. Anyway I'm gonna give it a go, so thanks again everybody for your kind support and advice its always appreciated.

Take Care,
Lewis


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