# The Scroll of Sorrow



## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

It seems that people are tired of my angry ranting. This post is to allow people to expunge the poisonous effect of sorrow from their minds to prevent gangrene from setting in.

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. Eat this, happy people...

P.P.S. I just took the test...I am eighty percent evil genius. Bwa ha ha ha!


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

I just wanna break down and cry...I'm so pathetic...


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

The flu...


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

Oh boy *knuckles cracking*, XEPER is going to entertain us again....Oh, will you bite the head off a pigeon for us?


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

Why do you torment me?


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

XEPER, all jokes aside - I think you're extremely intelligent and seem to be grappling with some issues here that are much deeper than my jokes could ever be. If they're truly making you frustrated, then please let me know and I'll cut them off - I assumed that you were picking up on the jokes and having fun with them, if not - then I'm sorry.

Case in point: 


> P.P.S. I just took the test...I am eighty percent evil genius. Bwa ha ha ha!


...Or, if your "torment" comment was meant as a joke, let me know and I'll continue tormenting you....


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

This post was created to express my endless sorrow...
Contributing to it would be couterintuitive, wouldn't it, Ben?

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. Someone named Ben betrayed me recently, so you better watch it...


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

Hmm...this one isn't as popular as "The Book of Hate."

I guess people find the spiteful posts of a wounded soul to be more entertaining to read...

I guess they just think of me as a ranting and raving madman...

...a spectacle...

...just a crazy fool by which to amuse themselves...

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. Am I just a puppet?


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

XEPER said:


> P.S. Am I just a puppet?


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

> This post was created to express my endless sorrow...
> Contributing to it would be couterintuitive, wouldn't it, Ben?


Depends. You're melodramatic enough that it might just suit your needs.


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

I meant contributing to my sorrow.


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

Well, if I'm contributing to your sorrw, then tell me to piss off....it's really quite simple. There's no reason for you to sit idle when someone is contributing to your sorrow....


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2005)

you gotta stop with these posts man


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2005)

I'm sorry...if people want me to stop posting and drop dead, I guess I'll just comply...


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## falling_free (Nov 3, 2004)

no by all means post about feeling upset but don't fly off the handle so much, there is no need to be so melodramtic.

eg NO ONE CAN HELP ME IN THE ETERNAL ABYSS I FIND MYSELF IN etc etc


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

...


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2005)

For what it's worth, I like ol' Xeper. And yes, I certainly hear the intense pain and drama, but there is also a tongue-in-cheek quality to his words.

I think people get freaked out by the blood and guts of it all - and it IS raw. But as person3 admitted, I can definitely see myself and my own rage moments in him.

Ever see the movie American Beauty? For some odd reason, he reminds me of the young boy (the filmmaker who has an abusive homelife and is a rather confused genius, unsure of how to find his place in the world)

Oh, well. We all like who we like, lol...no judgment.

:wink:


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

XEPER,

Keep posting man - I already told you I get a kick out of your stuff. Stop being so sensitive, post away....


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

You know, I"m kind of bored and pissy, so I have to ask you Ben:

Why is it so easy for you to make fun of him?

That's one of those personal soul searching questions so I won't need an answer.

What i'm saying is that I have been through similar things where I would really get a kick out of making fun of someone/torturing someone because they had an attitude that either was embarassing to see or weak or a little too honest...

And then at one point or another I would do the same thing myself.

Or it could even be something I USED to do so when I see someone else say it or write it...once again, I would get so embarassed or angry that I would have to mock them.

It's funny how we forget, once we become "mature", that we used to be this or that. But then again I don't know if that's really maturity.


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

> You know, I"m kind of bored and pissy, so I have to ask you Ben:
> 
> Why is it so easy for you to make fun of him?


Well, I thought he and I were joking around a bit - apparently the joking got lost in translation which is the motivation behind me telling him if he thought I was getting too serious than to say so.

I'm sure the return post to this will be something like "You really should be more careful with people's feelings" and "try being more sensitive next time and think about how others might interpret your actions". The reality is that my response would be "people ought to stand up for themselves more often and declare their opinions directly - if something I'm doing is bothering people, then tell me".

I'm starting to show my opinions more on this board, and it's my personal observation that people have a tendency to become more on the defensive to me when this happens because they interpret my direct style as being a jerk. I find people with direct styles comforting because I don't miss their real intentions and don't have to spend hours breaking down their inner meanings or what-have-you before I get at their real purpose behind something. I'm sick and tired of beating around the bush with things and I think it leads to more anxiety than it prevents. I talk to people directly, and give my opinions and my self directly - I accept (but don't get bothered) if you don't like it and move on.

Unlike some of the guys you've known Person3 (since you compared my arguing style to that of one of your boyfriends in the other thread of discussion), I'm not here to fool you and I'm not here to trick you or toy with your head. I have a job, I'm successful and damn happy with it - I'm not interested in spending more time than is basically necessary to respond to posts on this group in the hopes of helping someone get out of this disorder, and I absolutely have no interest in making a fool out of anyone. It serves me absolutely no goddamn purpose at all. If someone acts in a manner I think is dumb, I'll say "that's dumb" if someone acts in a manner that I think some is smart I'll say "that's smart" and will respond fine to people saying I'm doing something dumb - in fact, I'm typically my worst critic.



> That's one of those personal soul searching questions so I won't need an answer.


I search my soul quite often. You do deserve an answer as my intentions are being lost on this board, apparently. Perhaps I'm being dumb thinking that being direct is the best way to be, or perhaps this board doesn't like people like that, I'm not sure. All I know is the more direct and open I became, the further I got from DP - the more I wallowed around in myself and just posted depressed ramblings, the worse I became.



> What i'm saying is that I have been through similar things where I would really get a kick out of making fun of someone/torturing someone because they had an attitude that either was embarassing to see or weak or a little too honest...


I was asking for honesty. I'm giving honesty. For me to make fun of someone for honesty doesn't make sense.



> Or it could even be something I USED to do so when I see someone else say it or write it...once again, I would get so embarassed or angry that I would have to mock them.


Point taken and understood. We do have a tendency to be uncomfortable witnessing things we have gone through in the past and we do have a tendency to make fun of things when they make us uncomfortable.

Your points all make sense and are very solid in their meaning and, I think, I'm interpreting them accurately. The main point here is that I wasn't trying to make fun of him - I was trying to get a bantering with him which ( I thought ) was the motivation behind his threads. Perhaps I have an odd sense of humor, but if someone names a thread "Scroll of dispair" or whatever and then asks you to do nothing but post about all things you hate in the most highly articulate and well sentenced manner possible, I see it as a possible joke and someone teasing around.



> But then again I don't know if that's really maturity


I don't know what maturity means to this world - there are so many different variations of someone defining maturity from another that it really has lost any structure as a state. XEPER has the writing style os a very intelligent person - age means nothing to me, he seemed like he could handle the jokes and was playing around with the words to make jokes.


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2005)

I thank you all for your posts. However, I'm not entirely sure how you came up with the conclusion that my posts were tongue-in-cheek. I grew up reading a lot, and that heavily influenced the way not only in which I write, but in the way I think. Therefore, if you feel that my posts are overly melodramatic, well-sentenced, or poetic, I have to wonder what your internal monologues must sound like (not to mention the voices and the demons and Men In Black, if you experience those). Ben, your facetiousness can irritate me at times, but I do appreciate your intentions (even if I did realize it later than you'd hoped). Person3, I greatly appreciate your concern and for standing up for me. And all of you, I really appreciate the fact that you actually pay attention to what I say; it feels strange, but then again, one's first breath of fresh air feels strange as well, strange and fulfilling simultaneously.

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. Don't worry, I'll be back to normal (dark) soon. I have the flu right now.


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

> Ben, your facetiousness can irritate me at times, but I do appreciate your intentions


Noted; thanks for your honesty.



> I have the flu right now.


Good luck with the flu - I hope you feel better soon. When I had DP a lot, getting sick actually made it slightly better (the DP, that is).


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2005)

I guess I'm just a fool for your entertainment.


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

> I guess I'm just a fool for your entertainment.


Alright XEPER, stop right there for a minute. I already have pissed off enough people on this newsgroup so I figure it's high time to continue and finish off my existence here with some straight shooting. I'm seriously considering my complete leave from this board as it's taking too much of my personal life away trying to put out fires here and there; I just simply don't have the time, the energy, and as it's becoming more and more so the case everyday: the desire.

I clearly acknowledged your statements and I clearly acknowledge I was wrong in misinterpreting the motivation behind your posts - resulting in the teasing that I thought was pure fun between the two of us. But, no - don't go down the route of rolling over and saying that you're just a fool for my entertainment, treating me publicly as though I'm after you and purposefully out to wound your loathing soul of despair or whatever.

You are too quick to claim that the world is miserable, and you are too quick to judge someone as being the source of your misery. A lot of people on this board have misery, or have gone through misery before. I have lived through physical and mental abuse, I have lived through drugs and alcohol, I have lived through death (nearly reached my own) and I have lived through life. Your story is probably sad - but there are a lot of people in this world who wake up every day who have it even worse and yet maintain the ability to not kick up statements about being the "fool" for someone's personal "entertainment", thereby dragging their target down as "yet again" another miserable dolt who is doing nothing but trying to rip your heart out and stomp on your soul or however you wish to say it. No - I'm not here to hurt you, and no, the world is not out to get you.

Each and every person on this board hurts XEPER, day in and day out. We cry because we cannot feel our souls as often as someone who sits next to us in the airport or the bus stop - we cry because we have lost the ability to touch our children, our parents, and our loved ones with the same degree of sensitivity and humanity that we could earlier in our lives. We are all in pain and we all are tortured by the beasts that live within us - you are not alone and you are doing nothing but degrading me by saying I'm seeing you as my personal little toy to kick about; you're degrading the years I spent being kicked about and being in a state of absolute horror that I may wake up one day with my mind in shambles, scurrying about a park somewhere talking to the pigeons.

Your pain hurts, but let me remind you that everyone here hurts. There are people here who will help, but you have to let them in. If you find no help here, then it is because you are too busy thinking we're all out to get you instead of realizing we're all here to help.

If the world around you seems like a dream or a story, you might as well try to make it the best story you can because, quite frankly, it's the only existence you KNOW you're certain to have.

Well folks - I'm off. I'm tired and really not on top of things on this board like I used to be and I'm pretty certain my ability to actually be productive here is dead. Take care and happy living,

Ben


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## Guest (Jul 3, 2005)

The word "your" was in the plural.


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## Guest (Jul 3, 2005)

My parents are angry at me just because I have the flu. My dad was shouting that my incessant coughing was disturbing his day off. My dad's making me get directions to go to Baltimore so that HE can enjoy, and my mom's laughing at my coughing and going out to visit her friends! To top it off, my illness is making my dp/dr worse!

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. This one's for you, reticent: "Oh, woe is me!"


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## Guest (Jul 3, 2005)

I am so bored of everything...

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. Ennui can actually be deadly, hence the phrase, "die of boredom."


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## Guest (Jul 3, 2005)

XEPER said:


> My parents are angry at me just because I have the flu. My dad was shouting that my incessant coughing was disturbing his day off. My dad's making me get directions to go to Baltimore so that HE can enjoy,


Stop being a pussy and have it out with him then.

Or do you enjoy being a doormat?


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

XEPER, my darling sweetheart, brilliant, adorable, and most lovable:

Please think about doing this experiment: When you can be assured that you will not be disturbed or disturb anyone else, cry.

Cry.

Yes, so simple, but you WILL feel better.

The contents of tears of great pain includes toxins that crud up our systems.

Please allow your body to do what comes naturally and cleanse itself.

Crying is healing and restorative.

Please tell me you will conduct this experiment (or at least think about it).

You write your stream of consciousness, and many understand you perfectly. I know that I do. You say what many are afraid to admit to feeling and thinking. But writing is not as effective as crying. It is still _abstracting_ the pain from its context. You remove the pain one step from its source and hold it in your hand and turn it around and examine it. As long as it is _abstract_, we are effectively *continuing to deny its existence*.

I've been reading quite a bit about the physiology of crying, so I just wanted to suggest this to you.

You may feel better by allowing your body to do what it was actually designed to do -- heal itself.


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2005)

That's a very, very good point Sojourner,


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2005)

I suppose that you haven't yet surmised from the content of my posts that prior to becoming the resident "Prince of Darkness" on this forum, all I did was sit in my dark, little corner (I'm still sitting in it, in fact, only now I have my laptop with me) or lie in my bed - doing what you ask? That's right, I was...CRYING!!!

I don't mean to challenge your research into lachrymology, but the toxins in question are physical ones: urea, salt, etc. It does nothing to soothe away the mental states that one suffers, regardless of its neurochemical basis. In fact, crying seems to make things worse for me; it seems to add to my depressive states, suicidal ideation, and even my dp/dr symptoms.

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. I do, in fact, enjoy being a doormat, mrmole. I find it SO blissful when people stomp all over me.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear XEPER, 
I am both fascinated and impressed by your postings. You are incredibly verbose as a highschool student and obviously well-read. Its refreshing to see that in a young person. And you used the word ennui. I havent seen that word since I was in elementary school reading Conan Doyle, and Watson remarked to Holmes that he hoped that his constant ennui would be broken by a case....

I dont full-heartedly beleive in lachrymology (the philosophy) myself. I do agree with the Greeks, however, that tears cleanse the soul. Too much of them, though, can just wear it out. I think thats the point at which you find yourself. Which brings me to an important point. I dont beleive that you want to be consoled. It actually seems to me that you are using these posts as a diary or blog from which to vent, and that is one of the points of this forum, so expunge away. But you may be turning a good bit of well-meaning souls into doormats, who cant quite understand why, given all of the pain you are sharing and the (possibly rhetorical) questions you are asking, they cant seem to help or get through to you, and even at times, seem to irritate you or be met with sarcasm.

I'm quite familiar with the world of highschool and middleschool bullies. I was bullied when I was young. Its the Lord of the Flies when a couple hundred young people are thrust together. The biggest, the strongest, the smoothest looking/talking, wins. Its Darwinian, and its brutal. Trust me, it makes life in the real world look like a peice of cake. You can buy security after highschool, choose your friends, choose where you work, who you run into, who you live with, who you compete against. You cant choose any of these things now. Least of all your classmates or your parents. People create their own little worlds to make sure their ego is secure after highschool. Is that healthy? Well, thats another post. From my philosophical standpoint, I beleive that admitting you are weak can make you stronger. But if you can somehow survive this time, if you can learn to adapt to the enemy, to talk smoother (and I'm sure you can), study harder, develop more winning attributes, then you can conquer the world after graduation. And the big guys with the low IQs will be working at the local car garage, never to leave their home town.

One of the worst attribute, in my mind, of these kinds of bullies is the fact that they never listen. They dont take into account other people's feelings, how they are perceived, or the ramifications of their actions or words. When we internalize the pain they cause us, we can sometimes begin to act like them. Its a defense mechanism. So take time to listen to what the people here have to offer. Dont dull your posts or hide your pain. But start a dialogue with them. Think of how you are perceived by them, and how your posts will be affecting them as well. Look at this as practice for when the school year starts up. And dont underestimate yourself - your current trajectory is going to take you to greater places than you imagine.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2005)

Part of me does wish for consolation and for a someone just to tell me, "it's alright." Part of me overcomes me with the overwhelming shadow of doubt. Part of me lashes out with anger at the person who lied to me and betrayed me and took advantage of me. Part of me feels guilt over that unwarranted anger. Rinse (with tears). Lather (with the cleansing agony of life itself). Repeat (the whole bloody cycle).

Yours truly,
XEPER


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2005)

Great, now I'm having a depressive episode...

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. If anyone knows a good hitman, please pm me for my address and send him to it with a double-barreled shotgun, cocked and loaded. Thanks!


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2005)

It would seem that human nociception is so advanced that despair is actually tangible.

Yours truly,
XEPER

P.S. Look at my signature


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2005)

Oh, I don't even have the energy, the courage, or the will to post anymore...


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