# Want to be sure



## Maximka (Apr 20, 2009)

Hello all,
in a rush I have already described my state in another thread, so I will copy it here. Sorry 
And also after that I have read about symptoms, seems I have some of them, so it's really must be DP 

So, here is the story:

Seems that I have had some symptoms of vegetative-vascular dystonia since childhood, but they were small and rare, so it didn't disturb me really much. Except that at the age of about 12 years I had derealization (though not sure it's related to V.V.D.). I didn't understand what was going on with me and I didn't tell anything about that to anyone at that time. And I don't even remember now how long it was going - maybe a month, maybe half a year. But slowly it faded away by itself and I was happily living after that.

Now I'm almost 30 years old.
On march, 9th this year I had panic attack for the first time. It was short, about a minute or so. Outsidely it wasn't actually noticeable, I think, because another man who was beside me, didn't really notice anything. But inwardly I felt really bad - waves of heat on my body, sweated, nauziated - but that's nothing compared to some fear. This fear wasn't concrete - kind of fear of death or even going mad. And strong derealization. It was for a couple of minutes. But after that till now I didn't return to my normal state as before panic attack.

Several days after that I periodically had a kind of anxiety, depression and melancholy. Sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but never completely gone. But the worst was that at that time I also had derealization (seems that I didn't had or had little depersonalization at that time yet). Everything seemed very far away, meaningless and frightning, even frighteningly absurd. Including myself, my consciousness! All the time questions appered in my head like these:
- what is all about? Is it all real?
- who am I? (though I remember who I am!), what is my consciousness?
- how it comes that i think? where all thougths come from? nowere? frightning!
- what is time? how it comes there is time? Is there really time?

I had no emotions. I couldn't enjoy music or movies that I like. No joy, no pitty, no annoyance, only fear and anxiety.
All this reached its peak about ten days after panick attack. At that time I was feeling really bad continuously for two days. I had diarrhea, I had no appetite, I was tremouring inside, I had little temperature (37.3 Celcius degrees). And what most terrible - I was feeling a mixture of fear and anxiety to everything, EVEN TO MYSELF! And this feeling seemed to be burning or scratching in my chest. I couldn't fall asleep, because I was afraid of my thoughts and of all images that come when one begins to fall asleep. By that time I had visited two psychotherapists, but I'm not sure that it's possible to find one experienced in PD/DR in the place where I live (Almaty). One of them advised to drink adaptol (mebicarum, light tranqulizer). Seems this drug was not effective. So, when I was bad at all, parents gave me Relium, just to fall asleep and to relax. I fell asleep, and slept for 2-3 hours. When I woke up I was really better for the rest of the day.
After that this state didn't vanish, but also didn't reach that deep.
I went to another psychotherapist, who prescribed to drink Fluvoxamine. I did so, maybe it helps, but still I can't completely return to my previous normal state. At evenings I feel always better, but not completely.

So I would like to ask this community to advise some tests or anything else to determine what I really have. Maybe it's some kind of depression? Though there was no reason for it - I had lot of interesting affairs and was quite content with my life. And it's not that when it comes to me now, I'm afraid of absurdness, meaningless of my own life and my own being - it's that I'm afraid of absurdness and unexplainableness of everything at all.

Seems that I have some symtopms of DP now. Sometimes I feel like I'm an automaton, lifeless meaningless automaton. Sometimes when I wake up in the night I'm not sure that I exist. And it really harasses me. But is it typical for DP if I don't have this symtops all the time? Sometimes, especially in the evenings, I feel better, can do some jobs or reading, and as if forgetting about my abnormality. And is it typical for DP that it's accompanied by anxiety and fear (e.g. of absurdness)? Most of the time I can't do my normal jobs because of this state.

After I was given Relium I got to know that it is actually diazepam, which is used widely to treat DP, but I didn't take it after that single time, because it has frightening side effects. But if DP will persist, I think I will try carefully to take diazepam.

Is it possible to treat DP without visiting psychotherapists?


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## HereIsEverywhere (Dec 22, 2008)

I think you need to relaaaax. I don't mean this in a condescending way. I think you are doing exactly the opposite of what you should be doing about it. Many many many people in here have repeatedly said the way to recovery is to stop thinking about it, be active, do things that take up your full attention (not like TV where your mind goes dead but by physical activity, puzzles, playing an instrument, etc where you really have to think about something not anxiety related)

Instead of worrying about what is going to happen, what "label" do I have, how long it will last, just relax. It is very common for DP to be associated with panic attacks... in other words you could have just had a panic attack, which isn't all that unusual, and then the DP that came afterward is being perpetuated by your fear about it.

As far as the original panic attack. Was it just out of no where? You sure there aren't some issues you are suppressing? That is a really huge problem with me and my DP. It gets the worst when there is something I don't want to face, and I may not even realize I don't want to face it. (Oddly enough a psych professor said the same sort of thing triggers manic episodes in manic depressives. They want to not think about something so they get crazy hyped up and over-active and feel they can conquer the world, etc)

Anyway I'm rambling. Just, don't be so quick to label yourself, seek medical attention, etc. Let it be, relax. I have never been to a therapist and my DP goes in and out. I think I can beat it myself most days... and if I can't, I don't think a pill or a drink can.

But I'm very anti-psychiatrists. Many people on here will adamantly disagree with me. So I'm not saying it doesn't work, I just think the ones it works for are a lucky exception, not the rule.

But what do I know.


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## Maximka (Apr 20, 2009)

Thanks.
Sure, I try to distract from that but it's difficult.
Relaxation is even more difficult since it means you have to go into yourself, feel the warmth, comfort and so on, but generally it frightens me  (concentration on relaxation). Though seems now its a bit easier than it was before. Will try


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## Maximka (Apr 20, 2009)

HereIsEverywhere said:


> As far as the original panic attack. Was it just out of no where? You sure there aren't some issues you are suppressing?


First (and yet single) panic attack that I had in March really didn't have any visible cause. Because at least the last year I really didn't have any distresses or grieves. Mostly I even enjoyd my life, my jobs and hobbies. The moment the first attack came was when I was going to dinner after working with computer. Suddenly I felt bad, mostly mentally than physically, feeling strongest anxiety and fear of unreality, of death, of going crazy. That lasted for a minute or two. After that I was somewhat frightened and depressed, then I found in Internet that this stuff is called panick attack and that fear of insanity is common thing for that. Knowing this really help to feel a bit better.
But anyway, after several days I had derealization, lasting for a couple of days.
After that I have mostly depersonalization and depression.

But there were some issues that caused me big psychological troubles in my life. Maybe they could be the reason for my current state, echoing from past.

1) At the age of 6 I was knocked down by a car. That wasn't too much of injury, except some light arm-wrench and scratches. But as far as I remember I was feeling mentally very bad for some time after that. I can say this was kind of first depression in my life.

2) At about 12 I had derealization, as I mentioned before. I don't remember any psychological cause (distress, or fear, etc) that could trigger that, so maybe it came by itself. I didn't tell any one about it since I didn't understand what that was. I remember, I was feeling like everything is a dream and I can wake up any time and it will turn out that I'm actually some unknown alien creature somewhere on another planet  That frightened me. But eventually it disappeared and after that I lived usual life, mostly happy.

3) Now, this point is one of the most probable to be the reason of my current state. From about 16 and almost up to now I was very unhappy with my appearance most of the time. I was not very shy among my friends, but I had problems with girlfriend (I have had never one) because I was not confident about my appearance. Lately that caused me less problems, maybe because I'v grown up and don't think that I'm that ugly, just need to find some one who will care for me. But sometimes at 20-25 it suppressed me much, though never led to big depressions.

4) I fear of public talks really much. I think this is some kind of social phobia, but I'm absolutely normal about being in social places (restraunts, etc.), and even when talking to several people not publically. But when I have to talk in fron of the public, say, more than 5 men, it make feel very-very bad. Though after about 5-10 minutes of talk it seems to release and I felt even relaxed.

5) Almost two years ago I had depression connected with unsuccessful attempt to make relationships with a girl that I liked. Actually she caused the occasion, but it turned out to be kind of joke. Couple of months I was in depression, but I was able to do my jobs, and gradually it went away, and I could enjoy life after that again.


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## Maximka (Apr 20, 2009)

Now, some time later, I have gone through medication course.
About three weeks as I am completely recovered (though steel accepting medicines).
Medicines that were prescribed and had shown good effect:
Oxazepam - 10 mg once a day, before sleep - for one week
Venlafaxine - 35 mg twice a day - for 2-3 months (still taking)
Risperidone - 1 mg twice a day - for 2 months

But besides that I had started to take contrast shower and jogging every day, eating more vegetables and fruites, so I'm not sure if effect was only due to medicines or/and to these natural methods


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