# Depersonalization Disorder or just a symptom of my Anxiety?



## DisplayName (Mar 18, 2011)

I don't know what to do. I'm so lost, scared and anxious all the time. I got Depersonalization in February of 2011 and I believe it's a symptom of my anxiety. My palms have always gotten excessively sweating my entire life and people have always pointed out that my pupils are dilated more than normal. Everything feels so fake and it scares me. 
I moved to Florida with my parents and I hate it. I can't even leave because I'm afraid of being alone and on my own. I keep having panic attacks. I was spending every second of everyday with my boyfriend for the past four months and he just moved back to NY and he doesn't want me to come with him(which really hurts that he can stay with my family for months but now that I want him to invite me into his home he won't) and now I have nowhere to live if I decide to go back to NY. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me and talking to him doesn't even feel good anymore because I get jealous when he hangs out with his friends or goes to work, I take everything he says too personally, I'm excessively clingy, and he says that I'm constantly trying to control him. I put everything into him so I don't know how to live without him. 
I don't have the support of my family because they're either too busy, too sick of me whining and complaining, or just don't like me anymore(my father in particular has developed this hate and disgust toward my entire presence) and I don't have any friends because everyone I know lives in New York. I don't have a car because I always used public transportation in NY and I'm just stuck in my house with my family and I feel like there is no hope at all for me. Everyone keeps telling me to go out and get a job and make friends, get my license, go to school, but I don't feel comfortable enough in my body or with my mind to find the structure to even begin doing any of those things. I feel like I'm complaining too much and that you're reading this and thinking I'm pitying myself. I feel like other people suffering from anxiety have moments through out the day when they feel okay and they just get flashes of anxiety but I ALWAYS HAVE IT. It never goes away. It's always on my mind. Every second of everyday. And I really can't take it anymore. I feel like no one understands what I am going through and there is no way to ever get them to. 
I've contemplated multiple times if death would be better than living a life of imprisonment. I really need help and I don't know where to start. I'm terrified of taking medication because I've known a lot of people who have abused them and I'm terrified of altering my mind and causing more damage. I'm also afraid of becoming addicted to medication or suffering from withdrawals. I've seen people on anti-anxiety pills and would never want to live like them; they look as if they are just moving through the motions and their lives are being wasted on fighting their anxiety. It's as if they have no other passions in life and I think that is my biggest fear of all not having my passion for life anymore. Sometimes I feel like I will never get that passion back. 
I've tried vitamins but they aren't helping enough. I feel like everything is against me. I feel like I don't deserve help. I feel like I'm a lost cause; a waste of space. I cry through 80 percent of my day, I can't keep track of time, I'm confused, I can't concentrate, I can't solve problems, I'm constantly questioning my identity and the reality of my life. I feel like I'm living in a dream. And recently I've been getting sick to my stomach from my anxiety and my mood swings have gotten so bad that I'm always crying and I'm losing everyone close to me. I feel as if no one around me understands me. I feel like they think I'm over-reacting or they're looking down on me as if I'm not even worth their time. I've never felt so disconnected.


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## DisplayName (Mar 18, 2011)

I also read somewhere that if you shine a light on your pupil and it dilates or pulsates faster than 30 seconds there is something wrong with your adrenal gland. I've always had strangly dilated pupils and I tried this and they expanded within a second so now I'm freaking out thinking that all of this is because of my adrenal gland. Is that possible? And if so, how come my doctor never said anything? I remember him checking my pupils when I was younger and he said I was fine.


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## derkdiggler (Oct 19, 2011)

excellent, excellent, description of how i feel, and im a strong hearted 32 year old male and im pushing 2 years with this fucken hell and it stiil scares the shit out of me, we should get a grammy for being such good actors, hang in there, I DERK DIGGLER, HAHA, NO EXACTLY, EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, UGGGGGGGHHHHH


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Hun, it seems like you really need to get some help to get these issues sorted out, and it seems like you are facing many, not just Depersonalization. If you are scared to try medication (and trust me...there is NO specific med out there for DP), then you can try thinking about seeking out therapy. Somewhere where you can talk and divulge your inner thoughts and feelings with no judgement from the other person would be really beneficial in your case I think. Try to set a goal for yourself this month and search online for a therapist in your area, and ask them if they've had any experience dealing with Depersonalization or dissociation. Good luck and report back to us on how you're feeling soon!


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

I can relate to a lot of things you talked about. I could have written what you just wrote about myself.

Sometimes I think part of the answer lies within yourself. You just have to believe in yourself, because its hard to believe anything else will cure you. You may get stuck on finding an answer externally, in desperation. I did this; went to therapy, searched all over the net for answers, drank chamomile tea way too much, exercised..but despite this i still felt like I knew nothing of it would help me.

It took a good crying session to realize that I had to look within myself and find the willpower I had been ignoring. I think its really important to believe in yourself, at least just in the slightest. Find the strength within you, do not blame yourself for any of your problems, and realize its just a problem in the way you've been thinking.

As for me I think I have a lot of negative self talk that goes unnoticed and causes my anxiety/depression. I think this may be true in your case too. An example of this is even right now with this post, I have this nagging feeling that im not helping you at all, which i hope isnt true. Try to really catch this negative thought process unaware, and analyze it. Ive noticed that for the four years ive suffered with this, too often i didnt even realize what my thoughts were and instead just felt the depression or anxiety. By analyzing your thoughts and challenging them with different ones, it can prevent you from feeling negative feelings.

Anyway it is a constant battle but with persistence you CAN and WILL break through the state your in. Just remember do not put too much pressure on yourself and do not try to do too much at once.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Pupils and sweating and anxiety and so e other things could point to an autonomic
system disorder too (


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