# Wither



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I'm sad. Truly sad.

I used to feel that everything is my fault and I deserve everything bad happnes to me. But this year I got to the conclusion that I don't deserve it. I'm not a bad person. It's hard for me when people don't accepet me just because I'm different, and on the other hand it's amazing for me to see that there are people in my life that accept me for who I am just because they like me.

I feel my life is pointless and too hard, and at the same time I do know that I have some amazing people and things in my life that I simply can't take for granted. It's confusing to know that everything has two sides and reality is not black and white.

I actualy learned so much about life and people at the last 5 years of depression, anxiety,dp,etc. I was always(since childhood) very sensitive and saw the world differntly but this thing made me even more sensitive. It's not so helpful, though. And I'm still such a loser.

I really want to make some change in my life but I don't know what to change and if I can change anything cause I'm so powerless. I just can't go on living this way, going from day to day without any excitment/porpuse/dreams/desires, feeling so beaten from life. I feel I act every day as being normal. I guess it works cause people say to me sometimes that I look happy or very calm. People really see me as very calm person that takes everything so easily. I'm always very stressed but at the same time I care much less of things than I used to.

I'm just numb to a lot of things. When something sad happens and my friends are crying, I can find myself not feeling anything but I sure pretend to feel. When something excieting is going to happen and all of my friends share their excitment, I can feel nothing but I still fake it as I do. Last week on clinics at the university my instructor was very unsatisifed from me at some part and said it to me not very nicely. In the past this kinda thing would make me cry or at least affect me a lot, but instead I didn't care too much. My friend on clinics asked me afterwards how could I been so relaxed and how could I smile. I don't remember I smiled, I don't think I smiled. But I said to him "What did you want me to do? cry? it's better smiling".

I'm so sad.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

I completely understand how you feel.
Are you currently seeking a therapist??? Taking any medication??? These can both help.
Only time can tell. I have been fighting this for a long time and im still trying to get the right medication combo.
-Zach


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Theone2 said:


> I completely understand how you feel.
> Are you currently seeking a therapist??? Taking any medication??? These can both help.
> Only time can tell. I have been fighting this for a long time and im still trying to get the right medication combo.
> -Zach


I saw something like 5 therapists and tried at least 6,7 meds till now. Some of the therapists helped a little bit and the only med that improved my situation a lot is Effexor and I'm taking it for 3.5 years I think. At the start of this year my psyc even increased my dose. Those things help but there's a limit to what they can do.

Sorry for being so depressing today haha


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

EverDream said:


> I saw something like 5 therapists and tried at least 6,7 meds till now. Some of the therapists helped a little bit and the only med that improved my situation a lot is Effexor and I'm taking it for 3.5 years I think. At the start of this year my psyc even increased my dose. Those things help but there's a limit to what they can do.
> 
> Sorry for being so depressing today haha


It's okay, i have those days a lot.
Just try not to give up. I have come very close of giving up and everything just got worse.
Try something new. maybe give a different kind of medication a chance or something.
Do what makes you happy.
Just dont give up man. People like you have great potential in this world.
-Zach


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

You are such an interesting person, I like reading your posts. You don't deserve any of this pain and suffering, that just doesn't make sense. I use to think I was a bad person, mainly because of religious beliefs and what I learned in church. Then one day I realized that was crap and stopped being so hard on myself. When I realized that I am just a human being with a lot of potential I started experiencing inner peace. I have done a lot of messed up things but I don't see myself as a bad person. Everybody makes mistakes, it's part of life and without mistakes we would never learn. It all comes down to what is in your heart and from what I sense from you, you are a genuine person. You care about your well being, if you didn't you wouldn't be here trying to get better. Plus you are interesting to talk to.


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## guest1234 (Mar 23, 2010)

EverDream said:


> I saw something like 5 therapists and tried at least 6,7 meds till now. Some of the therapists helped a little bit and the only med that improved my situation a lot is Effexor and I'm taking it for 3.5 years I think. At the start of this year my psyc even increased my dose. Those things help but there's a limit to what they can do.
> 
> Sorry for being so depressing today haha


Ask them about mirtazapine. I was on Effexor for ages and it did help more than the others but when I started taking mirtazapine in combination with Effexor it really made a difference.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Theone2 said:


> It's okay, i have those days a lot.
> Just try not to give up. I have come very close of giving up and everything just got worse.
> Try something new. maybe give a different kind of medication a chance or something.
> Do what makes you happy.
> ...


Thanks, Zach. You know I'm a girl, right?


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

surfingisfun001 said:


> You are such an interesting person, I like reading your posts. You don't deserve any of this pain and suffering, that just doesn't make sense. I use to think I was a bad person, mainly because of religious beliefs and what I learned in church. Then one day I realized that was crap and stopped being so hard on myself. When I realized that I am just a human being with a lot of potential I started experiencing inner peace. I have done a lot of messed up things but I don't see myself as a bad person. Everybody makes mistakes, it's part of life and without mistakes we would never learn. It all comes down to what is in your heart and from what I sense from you, you are a genuine person. You care about your well being, if you didn't you wouldn't be here trying to get better. Plus you are interesting to talk to.


Kenny,

You already know I like reading your posts too...








I don't see myself as a bad person. I'm just not sure about why people act the way they do. And I feel guilty for all the mistakes I've made ,the way I'm living my life and for all problems I have. Some friends told me that I'm a genuine person. I feel that deep inside that's true but as a result of my shame I lie a lot about my self.
Thanks!

P.S- I noticed my English got worse lately (I mean in writing). well, as long as you understand me that's ok I guess. I still have to give you credit though for improving my reading.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

guest1234 said:


> Ask them about mirtazapine. I was on Effexor for ages and it did help more than the others but when I started taking mirtazapine in combination with Effexor it really made a difference.


I already tried this combination. I was alergic to mirtazpine (=insane tachycardia, very low blood pressure, brain zaps every few seconds and massive DP). Should I try a new med? I'm so tired of those meds.
Thanks anyway!


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## Dyna (May 13, 2010)

Test


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

EverDream said:


> Thanks, Zach. You know I'm a girl, right?


That's cool. for some reason i would of never known you were a girl.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I'm feeling worse lately, I don't know why. I cut myself today. I think the last time I did it was a half year ago. I have an important test two days from now and I can't study. And I'm also pissed off from the world' comments towards Israel about the ships to Gaza. No matter what Israel will do, everyone will hate us and make us the "bad guys".


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

EverDream said:


> I'm feeling worse lately, I don't know why. I cut myself today. I think the last time I did it was a half year ago. I have an important test two days from now and I can't study. And I'm also pissed off from the world' comments towards Israel about the ships to Gaza. No matter what Israel will do, everyone will hate us and make us the "bad guys".


Oh, im sorry. Hope you feel better. I know how you feel. i have been depressed a lot too. I will feel like nothing good is going to happen and i feel like nothing makes me happy anymore.







I feel better today though.
Don't worry. I don't like the U.S. government that much. There is too much lies and a lot of people are like robots, They wear the same clothing, listen to the same music etc.
I think if the people in this world actually got out and had "real" experiences and were open minded, they might be less prejudice.


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