# Healed



## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

So, me:









Im 23 years old, im from Argentina. I was depersonalized for about three years and a half. I have healed my self, all symptoms gone. I hope i will be able to help out in any way I can, i really understand how it feels and i know it is Hell. no other way to describe it. But there is hope in reaching Heaven: one must travel through the Purgatory. Its the epic adventure of the hero, which confronts the unconscious and regains his/her lost soul. The process of healing one's Self is about an inner journey, far beyond Cognitive Therapy or fancy-colored pills. It is about reaching the root of the disease, it is about changing ones Weltanschauung (World View). It is about letting go of the past and re-defining one's perception of reality. Many describe a feeling of de-realization, a dreamlike nature. The tower has fallen, no-thing is left. You are face-less, but the dream goes on. Who is the dreamer? Healing ones self from this dis-ease is about finding that very same thing that is doing the searching. Its about starting to recover one's memory. Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here? What do you WANT? Today's materialistic scientific society will tell you this questions are fruitless, pointless. Instead they look for missing neurotransmitters, elevated or decreased neural activity. Or they make you do silly, repetitive Cognitive tasks, without knowing that by treating you like a machine they are simply increasing your de-personalization. (Disclaimer







: here im not saying CBT is pointless. it actually helped me a lot at the beginning, when i needed some support from a professional and knowing that this dis-ease has a name and im not the only one. also some excersises DID lower my anxiety levels, and maybe some DP too).

In my opinion, and at risk of sounding too naive, its all about LOVE. People who suffer DP are very, very sensible persons. We have a very deep emotional intelligence. We are afraid of our greatness ,of the infinite potential that lies within us. the ability to love FULLY, to be great in heart. But we live in a world where it is dangerous to open up, to love. so we retreat, we hide. I like to see the process of overcoming DP as a game of hide and seek. Why are you hiding? what are you afraid of?

Remember when you were young? you shone like the sun. Now there s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky. Shine on you crazy diamond.

So well. back to my self (me me me mememememe)









Hmmm.. I like Beauty. I like Order. I like Meaning. I love music, my favorite are Pink Floyd, Led Z., The Doors, psy-trance and classical music. I like to write. I like to lucid dream. Im an ex-materialist, now an idealist.

I like all the colours of the rainbow, my favorite planet is Venus. I believe in absolutes. Absolute freedom, Absolut love. I believe in Infinity. I believe in Mind-before-Matter. I love the feminine though i am a man. I like to dance and express myself, though i am quite shy and tend to do so in solitude. I get anxious around some people. With others i can relax and be my self. oh oh i also like reggae and ska. I like Bass sounds, deep deep Bass sounds as in dubstep, dub, trance. i like to go to psy-trance parties and stand infront of massive speakers and feel the bass in my body, feel the ecstacy of the vibrations. 
I like Plato and Plotinius, though i read nothing of them. I like Hesse, Dostoievksy, Borges, Kundera. those i read. I like apples. I like bunnies. I love the Sun. and the moon though im afraid of it. i like water, but not too much, i fear drowning, i fear getting lost in the unconscious, in the Myth. I love mountains though im afraid of heights. Im living in Buenos Aires now, but i studied in London. There i got DP.

so, how I got DP:

Well, to understand what happened to me you need to know my whole life. I dont mind sharing it, but a lot will be left out, cause well.. a couple of reasons one of them being, they wont fit in this page.









well. As a kid i was the brightest star. I was the God-Child. full of light. fearless. creative. As i grew I was pushed into a sick, sick society. I lost the light. No hard feelings, it was just meant to be and i am also responsible. By age 13, i started rebelling. Stealing, breaking stuff, drinking, smoking, even though i had the highest average in school and was supposed to be a role-model. i used to get away of everything with my wit and sneaky ways hehe








By 16, the stage of Passion began. First love, passionate love. Art, beauty, meaning, youth, spring. I felt the world was made for me. i was the main character of an epic novel. 
Age 18, I moved to London to study Engineering. I tried mushrooms for the first time in Amsterdam before starting to attend lectures and I already knew engineering was not for me. I SAW nature for the first time, everything so alive, everything so beautiful, so full of love. I was the child-god again for a day, it was a glimpse of Heaven before my descent into hell.

I started going to psychedelic trance parties, doing LSD, MDMA, ketamine, pills, 2-CI, smoking weed, salvia divinorum etc. At first i had amazing experiences, i was marvelled at this new world, the world of the unconscious. I wanted to explore my mind. But soon i was lost in it. Started having terrible nightmares, bad trips, sleep paralysis in which a demon tried to steal my soul. I descended into total darkness. i lost myself.My mind was shattered. I was no-one. I had no face. I feared everything, my own existence, going f**king insane. absolute NON-SENSE. just atoms and s**t. nothing. no hope, no feelings, no identity. Past long gone, un-reachable. Complete de-realization, dissociation, helplessness. I exploded. my self dissapeared, and nothing was left behind, just a broken heart, fear, madness. Also started reading about good ol' buddhism







that kept assuring me that this was ok, that self is illusion, that i was on my way to nirvana, that i had to keep eliminating my self. no point attaching to it, let go. welcome son, welcome to no-thingness, to empty-ness. this is the void. this is good. well, not my idea of Heaven. It was absolute Hell. It was complete darkness, it was grotesque. it was unearthly suffering. it HAD to STOP. in the midsts of that chaos, my first girlfriend died a horrible death.

coming back to ARgentina i was diagnosed with many things, ranging from psychotic, personality disorders, GAD, and finally DP. I was lucky to have always been a skeptic (in spite of my materialistic world-view) of psyhiatry, and turned down an offer of two years taking anti-pychotic pills and having my life 're-arranged' by my parents and psychiatrist.
(sorry if im sounding a bit angry/sarcastic here, but i cant help it).







graaah, mean psychiatrists with their cognitive non-sense and pathological fear of the unknown. 
so, by then i decided to take things into my own hands.

Purgatory:
changed my diet drastically, starting doing yoga, swimming, excersice, waking up early, meditation, Cognitive Therapy, seeing a psychologist, reading, listening to music, positive thinking (when possible, but mainly my thoughts were utter non-sense. i was afraid of my mind, of my thoughts, of the images in my minds eyes. i was afraid of reality, of stuff, of people, of I, of insanity. only thing i was not afraid of was death, as i was convinced i would reincarnate (courtesy of Buddha) and keep suffering in another life, possibly in one of the Lower Hells. i was actually mainly afraid of this ,of samsara, the cycle of birth and rebirth, i was afraid of being lost in some kind of huge wheel of becoming, going from hell to heaven, and hell again.. so why bother getting out of this hell, as i am bound to fall from grace?) and how can i eliminate my self. if part of me still wants to be, wants to enjoy life, to love, to fall in love, to appreciate beauty, to be in nature, to express myself, to enjoy pleasure, to have a family, to travel, to be free). I wanted to be, so badly it hurt. that was my only feeling, being hurt. I wanted myself BACK. 
So, the healing process was very long and painful., I had to confront my deepest fears. i had to explore my most delicate and vulnerable feelings, i had to explore my sexuality, i had to re-evaluate my priorities in life, i had to abandon my old materialistic world view and embrace the idealist view, i had to venture myself into the spiritual world, and claim back my Soul, my Anima. That work was done mainly through dreams (lucid dreaming, which in my opinion is the most valuable tool for overcoming DP and any dis-ease for that sake), and also work with Ayahuasca in Brasil. Ayahuasca is the vine of the dead. It is the most powerful entheogen, it is a gate to the spirit world, to the Archetypes of the Unconscious. *NOTE: I DO NOT ENDORSE THE USE OF AYAHUASCA FOR THE TREATMENT OF DP NOR ANY OTHER MENTAL DISEASE, AYAHUASCA IS A POWERFUL HALUCINOGEN THAT MAY WORSEN SYMPTOMS IN AN IRREVERSIBLE WAY. THIS IS JUST MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE*. At first i purged a lot of darkness. I went through an epic inner battle. Then i finally met my Self, and I broke the spell of DP.







Also did a lot of healing through primordial images/art, myth reading/living, music, dancing.. anything to express my deepest rooted emotions, and my FEAR of being (not my NON-Being!).

I have also found many many things that tend to increase or decrease symptoms of DP, i will post some of my beliefs in the forum, and the rest i will give/tell when time is right through email as this is information that is not to be spilled and read just like that. I suffered a lot by reading philosophical/spiritual information such as buddhist beliefs, when the time WAS NOT RIGHT. For me DP had also a lot to do with an overload of Information. TOO much f**king information makes your brain explode kids =D . so, stop reading so much stuff, i assure you the answer is in no book. the answer is within you. its not in the psychiatrist, not in your parents, not in Buddha, not in anyone else but YOURSELF. go within, there is no other way. you can stay in this Desert for as long as you want, but all you will get is desolation, emptiness. out there, there is nothing. Inside you, there is ALL. ALL you need to know, all the werkings of the Universe, all the Secrets, all that is True, is within. No neurons, no neurotransmitters, no guy in a fancy institute telling you to do silly repetitive exercises, no philosopher, no guru, NOTHING. just you. just your inner child.

I invite anyone who is willing to start a friendly relation with me, to write to me to my email abraxas17 at hotmail dotcom, and i will do my best to help you out. I have nothing to offer but my friendship, and my genuine desire to help people out of this mess and into the light of the Self, into love, into freedom. And well, its epic but its also quite simple, again, its just about love.

having said that, much LOVE to you all, may you all be happy bunnies with a beautiful golden Self.

Abraxas

edit: I am writing a thread on a full account on how i healed my self and about techniques and stuff i think people with DP should try for their recovery. really hope it helps. http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/27199-how-i-healed-my-self/


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Wow thanks for sharing your journey, all that and your only 23, I relate to much of what you wrote and seem to be following a similar path, I hope that I will come out the other side like you although I must admit i'm still reading the Buddha which could be a problem hehe


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

Pablo said:


> Wow thanks for sharing your journey, all that and your only 23, I relate to much of what you wrote and seem to be following a similar path, I hope that I will come out the other side like you although I must admit i'm still reading the Buddha which could be a problem hehe


Brother, trust me. Buddhism IS the problem (for those who were unlucky to bump into it). For many reasons. Main reason being: the Teachings of The Buddha, which I admire, are NOT the teachings expounded by modern Buddhist Traditions, including the supposed 'Way of Elders', Therevada Tradition. I actually just replied to another member who is lost in the nihilistic anihilationist so-called Buddhism which is nothing but a big big LIE.

I have a statue of the Buddha in my room. I LOVE the Buddha. I respect him for his infinite Wisdom, and is now a source of inspiration and enlightenment for me. But trust me, what you read in the web, the meditation courses like Vipassana (Goenka), and what is written in most books and by most Buddhist Scholars, is a LIE. it is not Truth, It is not Buddha's Teachings.

I am now writing a thread to debunk the lie of modern Buddhism and their so called Doctrine of Anatta (NO SELF).

edit: here it is 
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/27187-the-buddhist-lie/

May all beings be happy, may all beings find refuge in Self.


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## Guest (Apr 23, 2011)

wow, i truly appreciate all that you wrote here.. I too feel with all my heart that the answers we seek lie within each of us.. meditation has saved me over and over again.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Inspiring.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

wow your story really gives me some hope, thanks for sharing. this may be my favorite post on dpselfhelp.


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## Alejandroe84 (Jun 27, 2009)

*Wow.

What a great story of passion and determination. You gave great inspiration and hope to me through your scriptures of journey!

Thanks again and Kudos to you and your well-being!

Alejandro*


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

hey guys, im really happy you enjoyed reading my post and that it has given you some hope.
I just wrote a new thread with more details, hope it helps.









Love

Abraxas


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## sunyata samsara (Feb 18, 2011)

You like Dubstep? Nobodies perfect.







I live for Hardcore.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

sunyata samsara said:


> You like Dubstep? Nobodies perfect.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


haha wow that is a surprise, didnt picture you going to raves. where you from? I actually enjoyed many Hardcore squat parties back in London. But mainly Psy-trance (full-on, dark).

I like _some_ kind of dubstep, most really is shit. And i mean most. But as im addicted to bass sounds I did the impossible to find some rough diamonds in the pile of shit








that wobbly bass really does it for me.


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## sunyata samsara (Feb 18, 2011)

Abraxas said:


> haha wow that is a surprise, didnt picture you going to raves. where you from? I actually enjoyed many Hardcore squat parties back in London. But mainly Psy-trance (full-on, dark).
> 
> I like _some_ kind of dubstep, most really is shit. And i mean most. But as im addicted to bass sounds I did the impossible to find some rough diamonds in the pile of shit
> 
> ...


Biggest raver in Houston brah. Went to Austin the capital of Texas Saturday for a Massive. Dubstep is hella popular here and Hardcore is rare it pisses me off.







They play mostly Hard House here. Old school raver bro, been ravin since the last century. Them Texans dont know how to do it, ravin is all about LSD and Ketamine you know whats up. X took over the market down here. I would kill for some 2C-I. If you dont believe me about my lack of emotions i ran into Molly Saturday and didnt even feel much.


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## sunyata samsara (Feb 18, 2011)

Abraxas said:


> haha wow that is a surprise, didnt picture you going to raves. where you from? I actually enjoyed many Hardcore squat parties back in London. But mainly Psy-trance (full-on, dark).
> 
> I like _some_ kind of dubstep, most really is shit. And i mean most. But as im addicted to bass sounds I did the impossible to find some rough diamonds in the pile of shit
> 
> ...


Biggest raver in Houson brah. Went to Austin the capital of Texas Saturday for a Massive. Dubstep is hella popular here and Hardcore is rare it pisses me off.







They play mostly Hard House here. Old school raver bro, been ravin since the last century. Them Texans dont know how to do it, ravin is all about LSD and Ketamine you know whats up. X took over the market down here. I would kill for some 2C-I. If you dont believe me about my lack of emotions i ran into Molly Saturday and didnt even feel much.


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## resonantblue (Mar 15, 2011)

wow, thanks for that, that was amazing.
p.s. my favourite planet is Neptune


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

sunyata samsara said:


> wow, thanks for that, that was amazing.
> p.s. my favourite planet is Neptune


glad you liked it









Neptune.. ooh, you're in for quite a ride with Him. just be careful not to drown in the waters of Myth.

love

Abraxas

*edit*: whats with the negative reputation?


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## TheGame (Feb 1, 2011)

impressive work there i must say.

However i cant agree with you that not doing selfhelp trough CBT or reading a few selfhelp books wont help your DP. because it most certainly will.

I do however positively agree with you that finding your authentic feelings about stuff about what your fears really are and having the curage to go within to find what most people will only glance at is really the thing to do here.

I have noticed how codependant i have been before and DP and burnout really brought that into the light by showing me it in its severe form. Like a child that has no way in life and have to cling to others to feel like they are safe.

I do fiund it hard tto be absolutely true to my emotions all the time though. sometimes you must make sacrifices and come to some sort of compromise when it comes to others. 
Man ive been lost but i think that finding my harmoneus self again wont be hard and that it HAS alot to do with how we behave in daily life. but also ofcourse our deepest fears and darkest sides have to be intergrated.

Very inspiring post thank you for this!


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

lol.









oh ok i havent been much on msn lately but will try sign in more often. we can have conversations by email if you wish. but yeah msn is nice. im signing in now











TheGame said:


> impressive work there i must say.
> 
> However i cant agree with you that not doing selfhelp trough CBT or reading a few selfhelp books wont help your DP. because it most certainly will.
> 
> ...


true, actually this book 'Feeling Unreal' helped me a lot, mainly in knowing that i was not going insane and that i was not the only one. Also that part about Amiel was very useful and helped me decide to take things into my own hands. For those who did not read it, Amiel is this french guy from i dont know what century, who wrote about his life-long DP, alternating between favoring 'being empty in order to receive God/Nirvana, whatever' and admitting having 'deep desires to live' but having shame of those desires and not daring to live them up, being stuck forever in a kind of in-activity, without deciding wether to be, or not to be. sounds familar? haha it definitely struck a bell to me. I was always alternating between the Eastern 'extinguishing of ego' and the true, deep desire to live, to be, to experiment. I went for the latter.

that is why i believe it is of utmost importance to really look inside and be honest to yourself and see what YOU want, beyond what mystical 'masters' say that you should do. 
obviously, i guess a lot of people with DP do want to be again, and have not fallen for the buddhist belief system, but still find it hard to get out of DP. but well, the initial spark of willpower required to confront any dis-ease has to come from that desicion... do i want to be again? do i want to regain health? and the answer to that can only come from within.

confronting my fear of my own dark side was the first major step towards recovery. sometimes what is not letting your feelings out, is the excessive repression of what are considered to be low, inmoral feelings... such as hatred, anger, rage, and overal evilness. i never knew i had it in me, but letting that out and accepting that side was what got me rid of that paralyzing fear. the 'Beast' in you is useful and key for wellbeing after all. as It is fearless, strong. thats the root chakra for me, meeting your Shadow. Then you turn your Shadow into your Anima by applying sensual love to it. i will talk about this on some thread.
Fear is channeled and transformed into sexual energy. Sexual energy gives rise to feelings and makes sure nothing becomes stagnated, it increases flow. This in change diminishes the amount of thoughts and mental fog. in DP, stagnated feelings, and low libido due to primal fear (which in turn increases stagnation and putrefaction of sexual/psychic energy), create a disturbed and non-coherent mind, which is seen as DP/DR. It is like your sexuality/femininity (in case of men. masculinity in case of women) is like a pool which has become stagnated and is rotting. The fumes/airs from that rotting pool rise up to mind and give this very unpleasant thoughts/perceptions. To clean the pool one must conquer fear by integrating one's evil side/Shadow, which turns fear into hatred, and then applying sensual love to same in order to transform hatred into sexual energy, and release stagnation. i will write a thread on this, hope it helps and doesnt freak everyone out. i ll try to explain it using scientific terminology.

Peace
Abraxas


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## TheGame (Feb 1, 2011)

its like this one story i heard about carl jung. he had a dream that he was walking on a road and holding this faintly burning candle in his hand and when he suddenly looked up and saw this big shadow cast by the light that was following him around everywhere he went. witch was supposed to symbolize his shadow. And i think its really healty to take a look at that. all the inhibitions and tabus that we have basically created for ourselves since childhood need to be intergrated into our awareness and acknowledged.

Its like we walk around with this bag oun our backs that we need to swing around our shoulders and delve into. =) i love this stuff and im really interested in all of this!


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Confronting the dark side is fudamental. Some people just want to say what other people would like to hear. But you can't always make other people like you.


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## Citizen Insane (May 2, 2011)

wow, I'm shocked by the similarities in my own experiance, everything from your taste in music , drug use, looking into buddhism, lucid dreaming. the difference is i am still stuck in the void of hopelessness. i wish i had your outlook on life, hopefully one day i will.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Abraxas said:


> sometimes what is not letting your feelings out, is the excessive repression of what are considered to be low, inmoral feelings... such as hatred, anger, rage, and overal evilness. i never knew i had it in me, but letting that out and accepting that side was what got me rid of that paralyzing fear.


Exactly.


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