# Please read - Unique Case - VERY LONG



## Sketch2000

The following overview is taken from a letter I have recently sent to both the Mt. Sanai and London Research Institutes. It is somewhat long, but gives a really good history and depiction of what has happened to me and what nobody can seem to explain. I will add to how I feel about this condition later, but I am hoping that you can read this and provide some feedback. Over the last 5 months I have suffered more than I ever thought was possible. I am saddened by the fact that so many people are suffering from this disabling condition, but hopeful that I have found this type of support online.

- I will add other pertinent information later. This will include - My own opinion as to what this condition really is, how I best can control this condition (or how my relapses or remissions occur), what i think can be done about this condition, and what kind of research needs to be done. Since being diagnosed (less than a week ago), I have made contact with various institutions, read the book "feeling unwell", read other books on theories behind depersonalization disorder (and the various brain mechanisms involved), and am currently being treated at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine (which is a research institute), however my treatment has just only begun, as my diagnosis has only just been finalized.

Here is my overview, I look forward to hearing back from you all. --

HISTORY -

Jan 2008

I began treatment with zyprexa in January. The treatment was to address various issues with ?ruminations? or ?racing thoughts? with regard to a relationship that had just ended (I am not schizophrenic or psychotic). Since I had used this medication (three times / for periods of 3 months or less) in the past (for the same reason), I saw no reason why it would not work and/or any reason not to take it.

April 2008

I graduated from University with highest honors and a Bachelor of Science degree. I had also been accepted into an MBA program. I also had just finished working for close to 4 years in the property management sector; this included me working as a district manager in front desk services, property management, and portfolio management. I was healthy, fit, outgoing, socially active, and took very good care of myself.

May 2009

I met with my psychiatrist to discuss the problems I had been having with my libido while using zyprexa. The Dr. recommended stopping zyprexa immediately. At my doctors advice I discontinued zyprexa on May 12. Upon the discontinuation of the drug, I did not sleep for almost 4 days (I slept perhaps 1-2 hours per night). I called my psychiatrist on Monday to inform him of my trouble sleeping. The doctor and I agreed on the phone that it was best that I wean off the medication. He gave me instructions on how to do so, and I followed it. However, I continued to have trouble sleeping, especially when I got to the smaller doses such as 5mg and 2.5mg. It was at this point when my doctor prescribed ambien to help with my sleep. Unfortunately, this did not help at all and I did not sleep for almost 3 days. Finally, my doctor prescribed Lunesta, and although this did not make me ?sleepy?, it did help me sleep and I slept 4-6 hours a night. However, sleeping even on lunesta was quickly becoming difficult and I was asked to use two lunesta?s (which I did) and still only slept 4-5 hours a night.

June 11 2008

I discontinued zyprexa after almost a month of weaning off. However, I was still having problems with sleep (since the discontinuation of the medication) and despite using 2 lunesta?s at night, I was still only sleeping 4-5 hours. I called my psychiatrist office and advised them that the medication I was using was not helping me obtain adequate sleep. The doctor?s office advised that they could call in a combination of drugs to help me sleep, but the doctors personal advice was that I should try going without sleep and eventually my body would ?shut down? and hopefully my sleep cycle would return.

June 15 2008

I took my last lunesta the night before (June 14) and unfortunately had a night of no sleep. It had been almost a month since beginning to discontinue zyprexa and I had had nothing but trouble with sleep, and I began to feel that things were becoming overwhelming. I finally had it; I broke down on the phone whilst talking to my parents with regard to the situation. I had always been so healthy, so physically fit. I could not understand why this was happening. Nevertheless, my parents advised that they would come down to visit me to help me deal with the situation at hand. That afternoon I decided to watch a soccer game and drink a coupe of beers. I figured this would be an easy way to relax, and may even help me with sleeping that night. I was severely mistaken.

Immediately after the ingestion of approximately six beers, I felt a ?numbing? sensation. I also experienced the following symptoms ?

- Felt as if I had ?no emotions?
- Complained of not being able to cry
- Complained that I could not ?feel anything?
- Had severe inattention 
- Could not read (couldn?t absorb what I was reading)
- Short term memory loss
- Weakness
- Was extremely disoriented 
- Confused
- Could not read and/or focus on moving objects
- Could not watch television and/or understand what was happening

Since this took place (on June 15th), I have seen a number of doctors. Some of these doctors knew me prior to this incident so they could easily see that something had changed. Some of my symptoms have come and gone but one remains constant (besides days where I have a few hours of remission), it is a feeling of detachment ? the numbing sensation. I feel like I have no emotions, have no feelings, and am not in control. I also feel like everything is strange to me, I have no sense of ?self?. I have had periods of ?remission? where I feel ?fine? but these range from a minute to say, five hours. When I?m back to normal during remission, I feel like I have all my emotions back, my mind is not ?blank? or ?numb? and I feel better than ever. However, each time I worry, ruminate, or experience a physical symptom, I go back into this ?blank state?.

The following is a brief synopsis of the tests and findings since June 15th ?

- Standard and 24 hour EEG ? both normal
- Brain and C-Spine MRI ? both normal 
- Brain SPECT Scan ? normal
- Labs ? normal

- Meetings with my neurologist and (new) psychiatrist from the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine have come to the following conclusions ?

- Symptoms are consistent with a brain injury
- My new psychiatrist does not agree with my (prior) psychiatrist?s diagnosis of ?psychosis? (regarding my ruminations over a relationship) and decision to prescribe Zyprexa for this condition (OCD). As there are other suitable alternatives available.

- Neuro-psychological testing has recently concluded, the report is not ready, but the Dr. has met with my family and I, and advised of the following ?

- In 28 years he has seen only one other case like mine
- Diagnosis of Chronic Depersonalization and Derealization
- This condition is usually seen in people with high levels of trauma (veterans) 
- The combination of medication in my body (the antipsychotic and hypnotic), the no sleep, and alcohol caused this type of ?experience?
- Neuro-psych tests were all normal. Personality tests showed a mild level of anxiety and depression, but nothing to indicate that these conditions are what are causing my chronic depersonalization and derealization

- I have since advised my psychiatrist at UM of his diagnosis. My psychiatrist has asked that I begin Luvox CR to see if it helps with my ruminations, racing thoughts, and anxiety. The hope is that if these symptoms are controlled, then hopefully the depersonalization will subside and/or remit permanently.

Current Symptoms ?

- Have no sense of time
- Do not feel like myself
- No sense of ?self? / No ?soul?
- No emotions
- Mind feels ?blank?
- I have to think of being a certain way to be that way or think of something to feel something
- Have to think of being excited to be excited, etc.
- Always feel like I?m acting ? no ?real? feelings
- I can only feel my physical symptoms ? nothing else
- Question myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my memories
- Feel like I am ?trapped? in a ?living coma?
- Have bad perception of the floor and ceiling height and slope
- My mind feels ?elsewhere?
- Listening to myself talk
- Feel like a robot
- Feel like I am going to die due to the severity of my physical symptoms
- Due to the Derealization, I easily become afraid of the dark and certain other areas
- I have to keep thinking about something otherwise my mind is ?blank?
- I know that something is wrong with me and I am not acting ?right?, but I cannot change the way I feel, look, my facial expressions (at times), etc.
- Due to the overwhelming stress this condition has caused, I have developed an involuntary ?tic? of my head and neck (this causes pain and severe stiffness). I have seen two neurologists who specialize in movement disorders (UM Miller School of Medicine & The Cleveland Clinic) and although they are not sure of what is causing this involuntary movement, they are sure it is not a form of ?dystonia?. It could be a result of stress and my bodies reaction to dealing with such a disabling condition.

- When I ?come to? or ?wake up? I feel normal. I can think of whatever I want and feel like I have a higher level of consciousness ? more awareness. I have described this to other physicians as a ?light bulb? turning on in my head and I have a number of different thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I have had (short) periods of time when I ?wake up? or ?feel like myself?. These are usually precipitated by some kind of interest, and me talking. However, it has never lasted longer than a few hours. The feelings of ?waking up? always pass whenever my mind moves on to something else, I experience a physical problem (such as my head twitching or leg stiffness, etc.), or for no reason at all. Other than these few and short occasions, I feel like I am trapped in a ?living coma?. My mind seems to be stuck in a hyper vigilant state where it is reacting to my surroundings, stimuli, and physical symptoms.

Due to this condition my life has changed dramatically. This is extremely disabling for me. I am not able to leave my house, only out of sheer desperation and need am I usually able to run errands. Sometimes my mind feels so ?trapped? in this ?daze? that I have had accidents ? such as hitting curbs while driving, slamming my finger in the door, and bumping into equipment at the local gym. Nothing feels real, not even my emotions or feelings. As a result of all of this, I am now disabled, and have had to resort to living my life out of my house. I would not be able to function at all were it not for the support of my family.

Ironically, when I ?wake up? or ?come to? I feel like I have just been reborn. I feel alive and awake for the first time in years. I feel like did prior to this incident ? outgoing, social, assertive, hard-working, goal oriented, and likeable. However, I cannot seem to control when this happens or when this feeling goes away.

At my psychiatrists recommendation I have begun taking Luvox in the hopes that it will help with the underlying ruminations and anxiety (since this condition began, my ruminations have become severe; However, when I ?wake up? I find that the do not ruminate about the things I do now as I am not in this ?blank state?). However, I am not by any means an anxious person and my neuro-pysch tests only reflect a ?mild? level of anxiety. I hope and pray that it helps reverse whatever affixiation my mind has that it cannot seem to break.

--- Thats where I'm at for now --- Its been a rough 5 months, doctor to doctor. The only good part is I've had the opportunity to see some very good doctors at UM, at Cleveland Clinic, etc. but that doesn't mean anything if you dont get better. I've recently begun the Luvox, and will be picking up the neuro-pyschological testing report (full testing was done, both neuro-psych tests and personality tests) and discussing it with my psychiatrist at UM. Also, I have asked the neuro-psychologist to recommend anyone he knows who specializes in this disorder and he knows someone at the VA hospital (as this is something that they see often). I am hopeful that my psychiatrist can help me with this. When he met me, it was 2 months after this onset (so this was all i talked about). Luckily for me, he wasn't like my last psychiatrist (who i only saw for ruminations after a relationship) or some doctors that try to throw drugs at you. Instead, he emailed my neurologist (who knows me) at UM, and they discussed my case. He also requested that several tests be done, such as the 24 hour EEG, Brain SPECT, etc. before we even discussed treatment. I think at this point he knows that nothing is going to change if i dont atleast try some kind of medication. However, i am hopeful that if he is not too knowledgable about this disorder (as from the reading i have done it doesn't seem too many people are) that he will help refer me to someone at UM that does. UM is a research institute and they do have very good doctors. I have seen him 3 times before we even discussed medication, and during that time he communicated with my neurologist and psychologist. He is also willing and ready to review my neuro-psych report. I am just hopeful that he can help me with this. As I said before, good doctors are great, but it doesn't mean anything if you have no relief. I've also been doing a lot of research on past threads on this board. A lot of people have gotten great results by using a specific TAILORED combination of medications from the London Research Center. I will discuss the use of some of these drugs withe my doctor. Again, I only hope and pray he knows a little about it.

Looking forward to hearing from all of you. Sorry for the long post, boring history, etc.

Chris


----------



## Guest

Chris, I've had to cut and paste this. Astonishing. What troubles me is it seems you didn't get the correct diagnosis originally, were given the wrong medication, and the sudden withdrawal from said medication snowballed into something extremely complex.

For whatever it's worth, you're doing all of the right things. What infuriates me, again, is lack of knowledge and understanding of all of this.

I may be seeing my psychiatrist (and perhaps his supervisor) next week. I want to print out your story and have them look at it.

Hang on. I am no doctor, but even the comment someone had that you have PTSD like symptoms doesn't really make sense either. I mean the chronic fight/flight sensations are one theory of DP/DR, and it is also considered a possible OCD Spectrum disorder. IMHO, knowing NOTHING else about you, the Zyprexa was a poor initial choice of medication.

Take Care,
I want to know what another doctor thinks of this.
D


----------



## Guest

Chris, you said:



> I began treatment with zyprexa in January. The treatment was to address various issues with ?ruminations? or ?racing thoughts? with regard to a relationship that had just ended (I am not schizophrenic or psychotic). Since I had used this medication (three times / for periods of 3 months or less) in the past (for the same reason), I saw no reason why it would not work and/or any reason not to take it.


How long did your doctor talk with you before choosing this drug. Zyprexa is indicated for schizoprhenia and certain bipolar conditions. Your presenting symptoms (though I wasn't there to see you) didn't seem to warrant the use of the medication at all. If you go to http://www.rxlist.com I'd be very curious if you identify with any of the side effects listed.

Also, using Lunesta and the like -- those are dissociatives. Or at least there are studies of individuals sleep walking, eating while asleep, DRIVING while asleep, etc.

Then, you add alcohol to the mix -- which a doctor should have told you NOT to have -- and ... I don't feel you received proper counseling, etc.

I would say you are describing severe DP/DR. Yes!

1. Did you ever experience DP/DR in your life before this onset? At all? Even for a brief time?
2. Would you consider yourself an anxious person? Before all of this.
3. Here was one question I was asked by a very good diagnostician: "Were your 'racing thoughts' just that 'racing thoughts' or thoughts like a 33 1/3 record running at 45 rpm ... like hyper speed?" (If that makes sense, no one owns records anymore).

What did the prescribing doctor say to you re: why Zyprexa was the first line of choice in your case, and what was his/her diagnosis of you. Again, zyprexa's primary use, per its manufacturer is schizophrenia. Secondary use is severe bipolar. The side-effects are many and can be severe. Someone shouldn't prescribe this drug without good reason.

You have never been diagnosed with psychosis?

Hmm.
Please keep us posted.
I am fascinated by this.
So sorry re: what has happened.

EDIT: I read again what you say at the bottom. This first individual prescribed the wrong drug, or at least gave you something without doing a proper workup on you. My GOD that is infuriating. I have chronic DP/DR from ... who knows, predisposition and a crazy family?, but I have severe anxiety, depression and my DP/DR are 24//7 so for me the DP/DR are chronic secondary symptoms to the two main disorders. Anxiety in particular.

My meds that have helped are 200mg Lamctal/day, 6mg Klonopin/day, 40mg Celexa/day. You definitely need "the right combination" -- the "correct" cocktail.


----------



## Sketch2000

Dreamer,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and reply.

- When I met with this psychiatrist, it was just after a rough break-up. I was ruminating a lot about it, and therefore, I spoke with my psychologist (who i was seeing for atypical facial pain only) and i then went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told me that my problems were consistent with a "psychosis". I dont need to tell you how sorry I am that i followed his advice. I'm 27 now, but was 26 at the time, and felt like this kept happening to me after certain relationships. I actually thought i was doing something constructive by beginning the medication.

- Right after this event took place this is the psychiatrist I met with. My mom came along with me. I was sitting their, telling this guy that I couldn't remember things, saw trails when the dog ran, couldn't focus on moving objects, etc. and guess what his diagnosis was - ANOTHER PSYCHOSIS!

- I dont need to tell you I stopped seeing the guy, which is when i went to the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine and saw a psychiatrist there. Even after the original psychiatrist told me i had a psychosis he still spoke with my new psychiatrist and informed him that he did not know what was going on with me.

- This is truly a case of negligence, and though i am not intending to make money or something like that, this is clearly unacceptable. I had NO health problems prior to this incident.

- I feel like their was some kind of chemical reaction in my brain, as while i was drinking i was FINE, I had a nice buzz going and went outside to smoke a cigarette, all of a sudden - boom, this feeling hit me (and the other symptoms i described), unfortunately for me this feeling has not left me.

- Even the neuro-pyschologist i have seen has advised that the zyprexa should not have been prescribed and that it may have contributed to this "event". However, their are certain predispositions people have to something like this happening, so something like that would be difficult to prove.

- I just want to feel normal again Dreamer, I hate my life now. I am NOTHING like i used to be. I dont even look at photos of myself as i dont identify with that person anymore. My life has changed to the point where it is disabling, and yes my depersonalization seems to be quite severe. Its like I'm "trapped" in this daze. Since it did occur from an incident involving a foreign substance (like alcohol) i was sure that their would be some kind of damage, but all the tests are thus far negative. I just hope and pray to god that this clears up and my mind can rebuild.

- Now its a matter of looking at life with medication just to cope. I wonder what would have happened if i was given the RIGHT drug in January, not zyprexa - ? i likely would NOT have had such a difficult withdrawal, not have had to use lunesta, this probably would have never happened. I dont see those doctors anymore. I will follow up with them when i am better. Now, its all about focusing on getting me back to square 1. That is my main goal.

- I have NEVER had or experienced DP/DR in my life before this.
- I was not an anxious person at all. I was the opposite - quite confident.
- My neuro-pysch reveals that my anxiety and depression are DUE to my situation (DP/DR)
- My ruminations were comlpex, i would go over and over scenarios regarding my past relationship, i would obsess. But NOTHING that warranted what i got.

- My mind just feels "blank" all of the time. It definitely feels like a brain injury. I HAVE to think of something to feel something, i have to keep thoughts running through my head otherwise its "empty". But when I "wake up" I feel like another engine is running in my head.

- I just pray to god that they can give me a combination of medication that gets this thing "kick started" again. I've heard great things about the combination including Lamctal. I just hope this gets better in time.

Thanks again. Please let me know what your doctor thinks, it would be great to get another opinion.

Chris


----------



## cyberafrica

Hi Chris

Welcome to this bulletin board.

I am a also a sufferer of DP/DR since Jan 2007, and am now 42 years old. Our subjective experiences are all unique, but I am starting to see some common denominators after reviewing and chatting to members on this site for the last 2 years.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this nightmare, and I can only hope that it is transient, and that you heal completely. There are a lot of helpfull and really compassionate people on this site, who will at least guide and assist you to deal with the frightening symptoms one experiences with DPD.

I am no doctor but maybe fortunate, as have been brought up in a medical family, as my father is still a practising doctor and surgeon and I have gained a lot of insights from him, psychiatrists and psychologists, while on a quest to resolve my DP experience.

So, here are some of my observations (which most probably are subjective, but I hope it will help) , I would like to share with youanybody is most welcome to shoot me down if I am wrong or presumptious!)
- You seem to be a very articulate,meticulous, intelligent and sensitive, and I am sure a very driven person. Firstly, this is one of the reasons why you find this experience so frightening, as you have you have always been totally in control and self - aware, and now you feel as though you have been derailed, apart from feeling disorientated! This explains why your stress levels are so high, it's brings on the consistent questions of "what is wrong with me" and "how can I get back to my former self again"? One tends to ruminate on these questions continuously, and you keep checking yourself, and all this does is push ones stress levels through the roof.

There are a lot of parallels with your history, and what happened to me. I was going through a divorce, which was very emotionally stressfull. At the time, my psychiatrist put me on a course of Fluanxol, which is a neuroleptic, used to treat mild to moderate depression and sleeping tablets (Dormican & later Normason) and . Before I knew it, i had been on this prescription for over 1 year. I unfortunately made a huge mistake, by taking a drag of pot in Jan 2007 (while under the influence of alcohol), and just ike you, I felt a totall shift or snap happen in my brain, and I went into a complete panic attack. This lasted for about 2 hours, and it was frightening. I thought if I went to sleep, I would feel fine the next morning. But when I woke up, I was still in this wierd, derealised world.

From then on, it was a quest to get out of this "altered state", and I have been on Celexa, Cypralex, Dothiepin (dosulepin), Xanax, Molypaxin and for the last 8 months I have been on Prozac (Fluoxetine) and Zyprexa. Not to mention experimentals by psychiatrists with Topamax (Topiramate) and a list I cannot remember anymore. And I was a person who was sensitive to caffeine or MSG (food flavour enhances) and even avoided antibiotics if I could!

What I am trying to say, is that is that certain people have a lower threshold or larger sensitivity to certain drugs, and getting DPD is multifactoral. There definately seems to be a history of some sort of stressor, and all it takes is a catalyst or some type of disturbance of the brains natural chemistry, which causes it to go out of sync. The brain is such a complex organ, and I truly believe that psychiatrists are juggling balls when it comes to the right medication or making a proper diagnosis. My psychiatrist had no clue of what DPD was, and each session was a lesson for him, as I gained further articles from the Internet.

Please don't get me wrong here, that I am slamming what psychiatrists are doing, as they are following a science which is elvoving every day, and there are areas where medication and counseling really does help, but I just reckon to much emphasis is put on medication to be the ultimate cure. (It could be the very reason which led us to get DPD in your and my case!)

I have chosen the natural route, and weened myself off any sort of drug, and opted for healthy food, exercise, basic suppliments like Omega 3, regular rest, and a true belief that time will heal. I am not expecting any overnight miracle to happen, as if you speak to any specialist who studies and works with ones nervous system, it takes the longest to heal and stabilise

Even my 1st psychiatrist had DPD from a traumatic birth of her child, which lead to post natal depression, and ultimately DPD. She had this for approx. 10 years.

There are a multitude of recovery stories on this site, and one can only be inspired by them. The difficult part is getting through the process of DPD, and accepting one is not going to die, and that you will survive. You have to try your best to adjust to the way one feels, and try and not think about doom and gloom all the time. I know that sounds easier than said, but I also advise counselling with a psychologist. A member on this site mentions, "being a warrior instead of a worrier".

Please feel free to PM me any time, and we hear to help.

Keep in touch with your progress, all our experiences help one another.

Cyber A


----------



## Guest

Cyberafrica, you likewise have an amazing story.

Chris ... quesiton ... you said you "saw trails when the dog ran" -- now this I've heard of as a symptom of HPPD. Have you ever taken hallucinogens or similar rec drugs?

Again, without knowing you, it seems you have a predisposition to ruminate, perhaps a tad OCDish, I ruminate daily on everything under the sun. But there are studies of RX drugs that have given certain individuals DP/DR including Minoclyzine sp? -- an antibiotic for acne! These cases are not common, but some individuals as Cyber says are predisposed to dissociate.

The combo you were on ... well, let me say, in days gone by (I've had this for most of my life and I'm ALMOST, NOT YET, 50 ... it's coming too soon) I was given a few antipsychotics as "experiments" as my DP/DR wasn't responding to earlier treatments -- this was before Prozac! Every one I took, and these were older ones I can't recall made my DP/DR HORRENDOUS. I would stop taking them after only a few days and they would be low dose.

Fortunately, I didn't remain feeling THAT much worse, HORRENDOUS, for long.

Have you taken other rec drugs? "Trails" and visual disturbances are seen in HPPD.

Also *Cyberafrica* -- you had one joint. See this astounds me. But some people toke their whole lifetime and never know DP/DR. Some take it once and get DP/DR. I have never had a rec drug, and when I first had a drink (a glass of wine) it made my "normal DP/DR" AWFUL.

There IS a connection. My DP/DR however started so early, around 4/5 (I can't remember before then), but I was also a very anxious child. In all of us, stress or a drug, or something triggers this major tendency we have to dissociate.

Fascinating. But I'm sick of it.
Hang in, all!


----------



## Sketch2000

CyberAfrica / Dreamer,

I can't thank you both enough.

CyberAfrica - Your assumptions about me are correct. I was driven, determined, recently graduated, and on my way to a Masters program. I wasn't necessarily a good student growing up, most people that see me now never thought I would have accomplished the things I have - which is primarily why I never thought something like this was possible (especially under medical care!).

The problem for me is that my DPD and DR seems to be so severe! I can't even walk down the street without getting the "robot" feeling and all i feel/see/etc. are things coming towards me, I dont feel ANYTHING!

At times i can ignore this and just think of something else, but if i dont think of something i wont feel anything - its the blank mind!

- Your are right about another thing - their are a number of factors that contribute to this condition. Although I tend to think of mine as a "chemical thing" (I felt this rush after drinking the alcohol that triggered this), but their are a number of other factors involved. Occasionally I think of how good my life was, before i began any form of psychiatric treatment, and how much WORSE it is now - AS A RESULT OF UNDERTAKING TREATMENT!

But, the reality is, as my doctors say, its hard to say that the drugs "CAUSED" this. The fact is, they most definitely contributed to my "state of mind" at that time, and were in my body/brain, but that doesn't mean they CAUSED IT. The fact that i had - stress, lack of sleep, worry, and alcohol obviously triggered something.

- My DPD is horrible. I too, wanted to avoid any and ALL MEDICATION as I strongly believe that if i never took zyrpexa that this would not have happened to me. However, after 4 months of not being able to function at all, I had to try something. It was also comforting to know that my current physicians were not throwing drugs at me, but instead going with the logic that "you cant expect anything to change if we dont try something" - which to a certain degree I agree with.

- Another thing is, I do have a predisposition to ruminate - I have NO compulsions, but as i stated before, my ruminations have always been really bad post break up (relationships). Therefore, i did have some predisposition to this (and likely this condition). So, every time i "come back" or "wake up" or whatever you want to call it. Guess what takes me away (back into this "horrible world" where my mind can only do one thing at a time, is empty, i can't feel anything, have no sense of time, etc.) - my worry, ruminations, etc.

- So, my predisposition is hurting me to a certain degree. So at this point, its a trial and error type thing to control the part that i am contributing too, and hopefully the rest will heal.

- I too CyberAfrica believe that time will heal, but i also believe that in order for things to heal you have to consistently stimulate that part that needs healing. i need to get out and talk, interact, walk, exercise, etc.

- Right now, I'm afraid to go to the grocery store. I just left walmart, when I'm there, its like im in another world, all i can feel is the sweat on my skin, my legs being really stiff, my heart beating, my headache, thats it. I see the world moving around me but I'm not part of it - its horrible!

- I was exercising 3x weekly, but people at my gym have begun to notice my blank stare, and I've also bumped into machines, its like im so deep in thought or "trapped" (which is what i call it) in this "trance" that i can't feel/do anything!

- I think my psychiatrist is trying to "break that hold" with the Luvox CR. Unfortunately I dont think its going to be that easy.

- Thats why my DPD is so severe and frightening for me. Not necessarily because of how i used to be, but because its literally robbed me of the feelings i had. So I dont even have the ability to just "ignore" it. Sometimes, I'm trapped in this "trance" where my body is reacting to the stimuli - for example, when i tilt my head, my perception of the floor changes, so if i was looking at the floor and i tilted my head left, it would slant, my body actually reacts as if im on a slope. Sometimes i get "trapped" in trances like that. And when I'm ruminating, I'm ruminating about HOW TO GET OUT OF IT!

Then before i know it, I'm back to normal, but the minute i have a stomach ache, headache, feel tired, leg hurts, OR I WORRY and think about it - BOOM, i come back.

Dreamer - Only drugs I've ever taken are cocaine (maybe 3-4 times / last time was in 2001 / nothing serious), pot (last time i smoked was 2004 / was a little heavy around the age of 19 / but not much after that, alcohol - i drank pretty heavily (to self medicate) around the age of 19 too, this didn't stop until i was about 21 (I'm 27 now). Since then I drink probably 2-3 times a month, rarely hard liquor, but i like to go out and have a good time - 6-8 beers, etc. Prior to this happening i wasn't drinking too much, once or twice a month if that. No acid, ecstacy, nothing like that.

I'm just really in this "state" where my mind feels like their is something wrong. I often tell myself that their is nothing wrong, and sometimes i feel better.

I think a lot of this illness is trying to convince your own mind that your okay, i think thats why some people benefit from medication, as they cope better, function better,and through that they heal up faster (I dont think meds cure this).

But my mind is always "elsewhere" its always in thsi "ball" but in the flip of a switch im back to normal. This is insane.

Dreamer - what is HPPD?

- The best way i can explain it is, if your walking down the street you feel a certain way, not happy or sad, but you feel like YOU. you have this BASELINE. I dont have that anymore. I have no "soul" i have to think to feel. Their is no baseline, so my mind is full of these thoughts constantly. But when i "wake up" or "come to" i have that baseline, that "ME" feeling, However, without it - I'm lost.

- I read Dr. Simeone's book and it describes all of this.

- As for now, I'm trying the Luvox CR. I can't function at all so i dont really have a choice. Everything i do is a painful experience for me. It would be safe to assume at this point that i wont be drinking again - so thats a lifestyle change - But thats the least of my concerns, if i could get back to normal through the use of medication or otherwise i can live with that!

- When I lean back, i feel like I'm on a cliff falling backwards. I also agree with Dr. Simeone (to a certain degree) about this being this kind of "protective state" that has gone awry. Its reversing it that has proven difficult.

More later, sorry for the long rant. I've been in contact with Dr. Simeon at Mt. Sanai, and also sent an email to the London institute. If i get better, I'm not going to be one of those people that forgets about this (if its even possible), im going to dedicate a lot of time to helping people with this disorder.

The neuro's iv'e seen for my (newfound) involuntary twitching, clicking / snapping from the base of my skull head and neck state that its not dystonia but likely from a chemical problem in the brain, where they are functional movements - the brain is interpreting normal movements or signals as involuntary. So it one thing after the other, i think its from being trapped in this state 24 hours a day, for 5 months. Its going to be a long road...


----------



## Guest

HPPD is Hallucinogen Persisting Perceptual Disorder which can cause trails of light, "breathing walls", etc. Things that you would experience in an LSD high I guess that persist, that don't go away after you come down. I just wanted to know if you ever took LSD, Ecstasy, mushrooms, etc. You never know.

As noted, I don't know what that is like, thank God. You might want to plug in HPPD, etc. into Google. Some people w/non rec-drug induced DP/DR say they have some visual symptoms I don't have, so who knows ... however, HPPD can have DP/DR BUT, if you have DP/DR you really don't have the HPPD symptoms.

Just wanted to know if you ever had a hallucinogen. Pot isn't really a hallucinogen or is it ... God I forgot now. But in some people if one element of it is the main ingredient it can bring on psychotic/paranoid thinking. Not in tons of people, but it does happen.

However sometimes I think neuroleptics could cause very strange reactions in some people.

If you want to know how awful DP/DR is, I read an article ... couple of years ago and can't find it ... a journal article, where a schizoprhenic individual was given some med to assist in controlling some of his symptoms and it brought on DP/DR -- perhaps the drug combo. He couldn't stand it, and though it helped the schizophrenia symptoms he wanted off of it as he hated the DP/DR!

Again, for the 3,567th time, I say, "Each one of us is unique!!!!!!"


----------



## DaZeDaNdCoNfUsEd

This is one of the most insane stories that i've read in a long time, it's ridiculous what a simple medicine can do to someone, unbelievable.


----------



## cyberafrica

Yes, it does prove that each individual is unique, in how they developed DPD, but definately something to do with brain chemistry.So hear we are, at the beckoning call of God, science and our contribution and insights on this forum!


----------



## DaZeDaNdCoNfUsEd

It's just crazy to think that all of this goes on within each person sometimes i wish i could just have a normal person spend a day in my shoes and tell me how much different it feels.


----------



## Guest

Sketch2000 said:


> - I have to think of being a certain way to be that way or think of something to feel something
> - Have to think of being excited to be excited, etc.


Hi Chris ,thanks for sharing your story.
The above jumped out at me because I had that symptom also when I had Dp,d and I ,ve never come across another person who described that symptom.I used to have to think of past memorys and feelings and experiences with people to make those feelings happen....Was very odd....like I was animating my own life rather than it being automatic.I can relate to alot of what of what you describe actually.

It sounds like you are now getting adaquate help so thats good.

Goodluck.


----------



## Sketch2000

Thank you all so much for your replies.
- I have been really DP'd and DR'd lately.
- Spirit - I need to do the exact same thing to feel something, I constantly have to think to feel.
- DazedandConfused - I couldn't agree more. The thing that hurts is being told that they were better (and safer) alternatives to be given then zyprexa, and I do not have the type of problems that are consistent with someone who needs zyprexa. Nonetheless, I had used it before for the same reason, so what could I do?

- I'm really hating life right now guys and girls. I dont know what else to do. Tomorrow I will be picking up the neuro-pysch report and then scanning and emailing to my neurologist and psychiatrist at UM for their review. On December 4th I will be seeing my psychiatrist. I have been on the Luvox for 3 weeks now, and it HAS helped a great deal, but it is ONLY a coping strategy, it helps me worry about it less, etc. But I still know whats missing - and that will never change.

- I am hopeful that by using the combination that Sanai and London recommend I will have better results.
- Thanks again.

Chris


----------



## Guest

Hi Chris.

I can definately relate to your story. Like CyberAfrica mentioned I also felt a shift in perception and something snap in my brain after going through a period of severe anxiety and panic attacks. Mine came about after exploding on the road one day while driving. Something my wife said to me caused me to snap where I felt my blood rush to the top of my head and I temporarily blacked out and when I came to(never lost consciousness), everything around me seemed different and moving in slow motion. Nothing seemed real, I was constantly questioning reality, had persistant thoughts of existentialism and actually felt like I died and didn't know it.
The other day while exiting the elevator in my building in the lobby I couldn't recognize my surroundings and everything seemed foreign. I immediately flew into a panic attack and thought I exited on the wrong floor. The gentleman entering the elevator asked me what floor I was looking for and when I replied the lobby he told me I was just in the lobby. I was in the elevator with my wife and daughter who both exited the elevator in the lobby and were wondering why I hadn't.
I eventually came to my senses and met the both of them in the lobby and as we drove off to take my daughter to cheerleading practice I had to pull over to the side of the road because I couldn't remember the route which I have driven to at least ten times.
I was convinced that I was losing my mind that I told my wife I was sure this was the beginning stages of alzheimer's or a similar condition called picks disease which afflicts younger people.
I can definately relate to feeling like being in a trance or living in a coma, because I remember when dp/dr first struck me I confided to my sister that when I watch television, I'm in a zone, like in a tunnel of some sort and staring at the screen with no emotions or thoughts almost like a zombie.
I am also afraid of the dark and going out alone because that's when my derealization really acts up.
I keep on telling my wife that this is the beginning stage of dementia, but the funny thing is I remember everything perfect even when I was two years old (42 now), but it doesn't feel like I do because of the brain fog.
I too had all the tests done, besides a spect scan, and everything came back fine. I believe there is a brain mechanism malfunction that causes dp/dr triggered by either alcohol, drugs or just anxiety and not one thing in particular since we all have different triggers that caused our dp/dr.

By the way Chris do you live or are presently staying in Miami or England, because you mentioned both.


----------



## DaZeDaNdCoNfUsEd

It's crazy to think that life is no longer automated (in an Interpersonal kind of way) it seems like memories are the only thing that make me believe that i am still a real live human being, i didn't notice it as much that my feelings are triggered more by my memories then how i should react to someone saying or doing something instead of an instant reaction it takes a memory to trigger it. especially myself being a person who is en route to being a psychology major it helps me understand the more varied feelings of this unfortunate and most of all depressing matter that we all suffer from day to day. i more along the lines of realizing that i was myself DPed was the fact that i had gotten into some inappropriate behaviors such as drinking daily and ecstacy for a few months i have quit the ecstacy (3 years now) and drinking for almost 5 months now, in reality, i believe it had masked the fact that i was suffering from DP and once the loss of reality finally hit me it freaked me out so bad that i began to have really bad anxiety problems, thus furthering my neurological fortress to break and come crashing down right in front of my eyes. there are days when i feel like ending my life would be a blessing because i feel so far away from myself that it's hard to concentrate on the things i need to do daily to survive. chris i feel your pain and everyone elses as well if you need a person to talk to then me among the many are here to talk maybe turn your day around.


----------



## DaZeDaNdCoNfUsEd

It's crazy to think that life is no longer automated (in an Interpersonal kind of way) it seems like memories are the only thing that make me believe that i am still a real live human being, i didn't notice it as much that my feelings are triggered more by my memories then how i should react to someone saying or doing something instead of an instant reaction it takes a memory to trigger it. especially myself being a person who is en route to being a psychology major it helps me understand the more varied feelings of this unfortunate and most of all depressing matter that we all suffer from day to day. i more along the lines of realizing that i was myself DPed was the fact that i had gotten into some inappropriate behaviors such as drinking daily and ecstacy for a few months i have quit the ecstacy (3 years now) and drinking for almost 5 months now, in reality, i believe it had masked the fact that i was suffering from DP and once the loss of reality finally hit me it freaked me out so bad that i began to have really bad anxiety problems, thus furthering my neurological fortress to break and come crashing down right in front of my eyes. there are days when i feel like ending my life would be a blessing because i feel so far away from myself that it's hard to concentrate on the things i need to do daily to survive. chris i feel your pain and everyone elses as well if you need a person to talk to then me among the many are here to talk maybe turn your day around.


----------



## Sketch2000

Thank You.

DPdream - I currently reside in the Greater Ft. Lauderdale area. Is their any kind of support group in S. Fla where people who actually have this disorder meet up and talk?

Dazed - I appreciate it...things are rough.

- I just got my neuro-psych report. I think the ONLY good thing that I've had through all of this is really good insurance (which I've had to pay almost 400 dollars a month for (thru Cobra, prior to last November I worked at a pretty high level full time)...So I've gotten to see A LOT of good doctors and had quite a few tests done.

- Thank god I did not go to the same psychologist I had been seeing prior to this event as she didn't know what the hell was going on (for neuro-psych testing). Instead, I got the full 15 units of neuro-psych tests, ALL personality / emotional tests, and a neuro-pyschologist that actually knows what he is doing. The report is about 15 pages, and includes a great deal of information. In addition, this Dr. was so knowledgeable he was able to review my MRI's to see if their was any correlation.

- The report reiterates what I already know. That I have this disorder...this disease.

- Today has been very bad, I feel completely out of it, like the walking dead. Yesterday on the other hand, I felt like I was "almost" back. I could feel it, just couldn't "break out of it".

- I think its the luvox as yesterday my DR was down by 50% and my DP was down by about 10%. But i need them to go permanently.

- The hardest thing is not having your "soul" or your emotions, etc. thats what kills me the most. I used to be a very outgoing, social, confident person - now I barely leave my house.

- I was abused as a child. Come to think of it, I lived in a very (emotional) abusive household until the age of 20 or 21. So I do think that all of that played a role in all of this (it's likely no coincidence). Since I've done so well for myself over the past 5 years, I've almost forgotten all that stuff (until now). Ironic isn't it.

- However, the other part of me thinks of this as some "chemical" change as it came as a result of drinking alcohol whilst using these horrible meds (Irony again, now I'm FORCED to use them just to cope). But personality does play a role.

- I firmly believe that their is a physiological / physical basis for pretty much all emotional / mental conditions. Its like how they are discovering that people with schizophrenia - their brains are actually degenerating at an alarming rate. Or people with depression having some kind of imbalance (serotonin) and therefore, being depressed (its not just that their sad).

- I believe this to be one too, and I firmly believe that the body heals, it takes time. In my case, since it came as a result of an "incident" (like many of you). I've treated it like a brain injury (as my neuro and even psych thought it was until recently / all the symptoms of DP/DR mimic those of a brain injury - coincidence?)

- Their are certain things one can do to help a brain recover after taking a "hit" (like i feel most of us have). One of the main reasons i chose to use luvox (I hate these meds after what i feel they contributed to...DP/DR) but if you are stressed out, depressed, or even anxious; your brain will not heal, its a proven fact. You have to be in "good spirits" to help yourself heal.

- I've read many books about DP (a few on DP/DR) and (like other psychiatric conditions) they have a physical basis. Functional MRI's show (when compared to "normal" people) that their are areas that metabolize or function differently within the brain (I'll post more on this later...too depressed right now). I've also read many books on brain injury and recovery, and I've been trying to use some of the tips to help the brain heal. Unfortunately, I am not staying too consistent, the stress (or how this disorder makes you feel) kills you. I also have trouble sleeping (which is what started all of this), and use a little trazodone to help me sleep each night. Sleep is critical.

- Anyway, life is horrible right now. Every day goes by and I can't enjoy it, I want to (seriously), but I just can't.

- Thanks again for your replies. Sorry to be negative.

- I have read some of the stories with regard to recovery and people making claims like "its just in your head", and you need to stop obsessing over it (get off the board, etc.) and although i (strongly) disagree with some of this, their are portions where agree. For someone like me (who has always been outgoing, confident, fit, active, etc.) i know that this isn't all in my head - i most definitely have a problem functioning. If i didn't, i would be out right now (its friday night). But i do agree that with ANY injury, the fastest way to recovery is by trying to function no matter what. You not only help stimulate your brain and senses, but you might even end up enjoying yourself. Anyway, thats a whole 'nother post as I want to reply to that thread (and come across a little better). I agree with it partially but not totally. I have primary (DP/DR and nothing else) DP/DR, I am NOT an anxious person by any means (never really had been, I'm the complete opposite). So for me, its not about controlling anxiety, etc.

- Thanks again guys (or gals, I can't tell....lol).

Chris


----------



## Guest

Hey Chris.

You meant today was Saturday night, not Friday night right? I'm just reality testing myself making sure I'm not slipping further into the abyss.


----------



## Sketch2000

DpDream - Your right. Its Saturday night. It just goes to show how impaired my abilities are living in this nightmare.

Chris


----------



## Guest

You'll be o.k.


----------



## cyberafrica

Hey Chris, DaZeDaNdCoNfUsEd & DP Dream

You gotta stay positive while experiencing this, this is the catch 22, the more one stresses about it, the worse the symptoms become...

Have u guys been to the Facebook cause page Depersonalization & Derealization Resources ? - take a look, theres lots of people lobbying to have this disorder recognised. The DP & DR Resources site is there too:
To offer members links, tools and resources. 
To assist members in seeking knowledge. 
To display understanding in the hopes of preventing further isolation. 
To give one another hope, strength and optimism. 
To encourage overall member support.

Keep stong and in touch.

God Bless

Cyber A


----------



## Sketch2000

Thanks Cyber.

Today I've been zoning in and out which is a good thing. I feel like I'm waking up a little. Its almost like using a different "mindset" and/or my eyes feel focused for the first time and not like I'm staring. 
I can only hope (and pray) that it continues to decline and resolves itself. I'm not on facebook (used to have an account), but I'm on myspace. I finally got up the ba--- to actually log in and look at my page yesterday. Its hard looking at photos of myself and me being so happy, etc.

Neway, thanks again.
Chris


----------



## Maia

Wow, what a story!! Thanks so much for sharing it.

I work with a lot of people who take Zyprexa (in community mental health), but their situations are very different from yours in that they are schizophrenic and/or schizoaffective and/or bipolar and/or well, you get the idea; that's what we tend to see in community mental health. I'm not so sure I completely understood all of the original reasons why you were prescribed Zyprexa, or the things that precipitated that situation. The primary problem our folks tend to have with it is that they'll gain a LOT of weight, but for the schiz spectrum disorders and certain types of bp, it can do some amazing things. But I've never heard of it or any sleeping med causing dp.That doesn't mean it's never happened, just that I've never heard of it, of course. But here's a story about a patient who developed DP syndrome on Seroquel, which is another of the atypical antipsychotics.

Naltrexone, an opioid receptor antagonist, has been shown to have some effect on DP syndrome, but I have to say that I think the studies done so far are too small to be very impressive. Lamictal probably helps certain people whose depersonalization is secondary to epilepsy. Topamax has a LOT of potential for those whose DP is tied up with temporal lobe dysfunction or temporal lobe epilepsy. This is really kind of a stretch, but for what it's worth, I can relate to every single thing you wrote about your dp-- I couldn't even believe how you hit on everything I'd experienced; you seemed to have read my mind, and my pdoc just put me on Topamax, largely because of the DP issues that point to probable TLE for me. Temporal lobe dysfunction is an odd thing; it's been shown that it can be brought on by PTSD, so you don't necessarily need to have had a windshield upside the temporal lobe, as I did, to have problems in that area. But remember, I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV. There aren't a lot of MD's in community mental health!  So take it all for what it's worth, and maybe some of this will be food for thought.


----------



## Sketch2000

Maia,

Thanks for your post.

- I agree. Zyprexa was a really poor initial choice of medication. The problem is i was prescribed it at age 19 for similar reasons and since my family and I had no health insurance at the time, I was using a mental health clinic. Therefore, I dont think I recieved the proper workup. Therefore, I think the psychiatrist that prescribed it this time (for the same reason - ruminations / obsessive thinking / ) was just going by the same logic - its insane!

- I'm currently on Luvox 300mg, feeling better - closer to reality, but not "back". I'm working with a psychiatrist at UM miller school of medicine. During my last visit (last week) we discussed Lamictal, as i have heard it helps a lot. I really appreciate your information on the drugs that could be of use, I will most definitely bring them up with him when i see him next month! As i said i feel better with the Luvox, but not quite there yet (not nearly there), and will be adding a small dose of klonopin soon. I need to find the right "cocktail" like many have mentioned.

- So you work in mental health and also suffer from DP - ? Interesting. (my apologies if I'm making the wrong assumptions)

- Please keep us posted on how your doing with the Topamax. I'm glad you can relate to my symptoms. As although unfortunate (for the both of us) I find it comforting knowing their is someone out there who actually knows what I'm talking about. Please let me know how the topamax does for you.

Thanks again.
Chris


----------



## nytesprite

Hi Chris,

Thanks for sharing your story -- I'm sure it's not easy for you. I don't think I've had it nearly as rough as it sounds like you have, and it's still difficult for me to relive some of my worst times. It's alarming to see how mental health "professionals" misdiagnosed you as having a psychosis. You don't get into specifics about obsessing over an ended relationship, so it's hard to say whether what you were going through was "normal" breakup stuff or not, but it seems painfully obvious to me, a lay person, that your case has been very mishandled. While I do think you definitely have some DP/DR going on, it sounds like a lot of what you were experiencing could have been caused by sleep deprivation, too -- severe lack of sleep can cause hallucinations (the trails when the dog ran that you described) and can make the mind play an awful lot of tricks on you.I'm far from being an expert, but your case does sound a little atypical to me, like there may be more going on than you realize. You say you're not an anxious person, but you do admit to having an abusive and somewhat traumatic childhood. It could very well be that since none of that trauma affected you in the form of anxiety (which is awful, but it's still an outlet of sorts), maybe it's just now rearing its ugly head in the form of DP/DR? Again, I'm no expert by any stretch, it's just a theory. The great thing is that you seem to have come a long way in the short time since you posted your story. Maybe you've finally found the right people and the right treatment for you.

On another note, I live in South Florida, too -- I was hoping you might be able to tell me who has/hasn't been helpful to you so I know who I should see, and who I should avoid! Can you PM/post with some info?


----------



## Sketch2000

Thanks NyteSprite.
I'd be happy to PM you.
I too believe that my case is very atypical. I also agree that my case was mishandled...the misdiagnosis and/or incorrect choice of medication is the KEY here.....But once I stopped seeing that psychiatrist and sought other help I began my journey to finding some answers (or atleast having other things ruled out). 
Its tough for me...because I'm known as someone who takes a lot of care of themselves - exercises, takes vitamins, etc. and then this shi-....I also thought the Dr.'s diagnosis of a "psychosis" is far fetched...but i had had this problem post break up after each relationship since the age of 16, and nothing ever worked but zyprexa...i didn't use anything else....but then again, when the Dr. gave me zyprexa i actually THOUGHT i was doing something good for myself...to prevent this from happening again.

Then to top it all off...the psychologist i was seeing (for chronic pain only - not related to mental health really) didn't say anything about this diagnosis being wrong - unbelievable.....

i was one of those people that would read these types of horror stories online and be like "that sucks...i can't believe that" (seriously)..and now I'm one of the people writing them...

I also think that DP/DR are only part of my problem..and likely secondary symptoms...I think i need some kind of stimulant...as i can relate to what some people write here but sometimes cant...And when I "wake up" nothing matters....my "senses" are in full force.....

I'll be happy to PM you....I'll send you some info in the AM.

Thanks again for your reply.
Chris


----------



## recover

Dear Chris,

When I first read this last month, I wanted to respond. But I had been really busy.

I will tell you, I understand 100% your pain, your suffering and your frustration. I can only empathize with you.

My story is very long as well, 16 year old long, and I cannot really cover everything in a post. But I will tell you, I live a happy, exciting and nice life. I guess you have seen some of my posts or similar posts from people who think like me as I heard a frustration in one of your posts on people who state it is in the mind and get it off.

I am not questioning you or stating otherwise. But let me tell for a very very long time I too believed, I had something wrong with me and no one could get it. Like you, I am also very determined, very outgoing, fun loving person. I hold a masters degree with a perfect GPA and a great career. I wasn't really willing to accept that I would just make it up for myself. But the fact is in my case (not telling you), I did. I realized it. Like you have written about your childhood, I also had an awful childhood, which I realized when I started taking a deeper look at my problem.

When I was 21, I visited a psychiatrist and tried explaining this DPD. He was the rudest I have ever met. I never knew what is depersonalization until 2007. I came across this website then. In 2008, I got a good therapist to work with. She helped me a lot. But she did nothing ground breaking. But I tried every single thing she told meticulously. Many of them really worked. I read several books on psychology. I have understood my underlying problem myself. It is 'anxiety'. It has been there in a form that is subtle. It has been there all along. When it blew up panic attacks, I didn't understand. Depersonalization appears for a while in the beginning, but it becomes a habitual addiction. It is not something we do consciously, but our sub-conscious mind drives us there. Like you, I am also not compulsive. But there is some connection to compulsiveness in my case when it comes to depersonalization. in the last 6 months, after 16 years, I am almost DP free. Again, I will not say I am out of it 100%, but I am not depressed or anxious or have those frightening moments when I never used to realize my very existence.

I want you to try some of the things posted in recovery. It has worked for many. Like you said, you are determined, smart, intelligent person. You need to believe, you will get better. One of your own posts you have mentioned how scared you are to go to a grocery store. I have been there, completely depersonalized not even able to feel my legs or a part of the body. Again, from anxiety perspective this is agoraphobia. I am not saying that you have everything in mind, but try everything that you could. The break up possibly could have some impact on the anxiety levels and it could be subtle, may be you need to work on that.

It is hard, it is painful. It feels no one understand us. It hurts. It is scary to see how people look at us. The shame and embarrassment and frustration is hard. I so wish no human being should go through this. But here we are bunch of fairly smart people (At least we all are computer savvy ), going through this pain everyday.

Try the following, with your heart, with determination it will help.

1. Find a good therapist, work on your anxiety issues, be honest it helps. They will help you with several coping skills. Try them, without dismissing them.
2. Start an exercise program. It is hard, but works wonders.
3. Gain control over your fears, slowly but steadily.
4. Eat healthy, drink healthy
5. Get off of the computers and try socializing (I can hear you say - stop talking like you know everything, you don't understand) - I understand
6. Pray if you believe in God, any name or form.
7. Buy any of these anxiety and phobia workbooks - they give you several techniques, work with your therapist it will help.
8. Keep your mind busy.... the toughest and most effective. DP is like on off switch, you are thinking about something else or you are DPed... so take challenging problems.

I want you to recover and I am sure you will. Hang in there... "Tough times never last, tough people do....." (This is a phenomenal book by Robert Schuller, try reading it).

One final note - My first DP encounter was at 15, I was sexually assaulted and felt like I went to a dream like state, from there, there were several days years, it came on and off and then it got married to me permanently before 18/19.... I never told my parents or my family what happened... not even now. I wished I was dead every single day. But by God's grace, I pulled through and I really believe, there are hard times, but you will get through it. It shapes you as a person, you learn to love unconditionally and appreciate what you have in life.... this is just a transition period.... Take care and my prayers are there with you and everyone here....


----------



## Sketch2000

Thank you so much Recover. Your post is inspiring.....To be quite honest with you, I couldn't function at all without medication, now that I am on luvox (and recently added klonopin) I feel like i am able to function again.....I guess the rest is now up to me!

Thanks again.

Chris


----------



## recover

Hey Chris, Please take your medicines or whatever helps with a medical advise. Unfortunately, doctors are also human beings who try to figure out the issues by trial and error. When they make mistakes it proves very costly for us. Again, just hang in there. Work with a trained therapist, and work hard yourself. Don't try to beat it rather, accept it and try to do everything as you normally would. It is very hard, but you will slowly recover.


----------



## Sketch2000

thanx again.
I think anyone can see (who reads this thread) that my case is clearly a result of a doctor prescribing the wrong medication and me following the wrong advice. Thankfully, i think the only good thing that has come of this is to meet a psychiatrist who (when i first met him) was more interested in finding a physical basis for my symptoms (as my initial symptoms were quite severe) as opposed to pushing pills on me.

Nevertheless, I rejected any idea of medication for 4 months, until late October...but once i started thats when i begun to feel better. The klonopin is doing wonders, despite the (heavy) sedation (which i hope wears off) i have had my first DP/DR free day today (despite the sedation, and a few instances of DP/DR)....

I sincerely appreciate your advice Recover. Many thanks.

Chris


----------



## hera

Dear Chris , 
i realy understand how you feel , because i had my DR/DP after withdrawal aswell , it is much more severe due to onset feeling of being unwell combined with DR/DP . thats why we feel much worse than people who had Dr/dp after stressed period or anythign else . because even if you know everything you have to expect after a withdrawal (whihc i didnt ) it is still a hard time. it is not something you can get over with the positive thinking or the things you should do to treat normal anxiety (but they certainly help ) . because there is a chemical imbalance in the brain whihc giving that crazy symptoms , your brain is struggling after not receiving the medicine it used to ( in my case for 7 years lol , and i weaned myself off in a month which is super fast ,) in normal DP/DR you dont have to feel fainty , coma like symptoms tiredness etc (unless anxiety playing up aswell ) with withdrawal you will show sooooo many symptoms , many physical which will make you belive you are dying for sure . each person is unique so everyone react differently when they withdrawal .. in my case i was so sensitive . i had and still having all that symptoms you listed and maybe much more . after quiting citalopram ... 
it is a physical and emotional torture , i still wonder how i m still alive after that . and also still cant belive it is just a withdrawal after 4 months but somehting else is going on .or meds did some unreversible damage to my brain ... i dont really want to go back on my SSRI again incase i have even worse symptoms if i try to quit after .but withouth them its much harder . .. right now , i kind of manage the anxiety little better than a month or 2 ago but DP/DR and going in to a coma feelings are on their worst which sometimes makes me feel like there is no light .
dont feel alone in this and i hope you only get better with time just a little patience i know its hard


----------



## Sketch2000

Its amazing what these drugs can do to people....freaking amazing.....it really hurts me....the problem is, NOW i have to use medication to cope with what the drugs CONTRIBUTED to......What else can i do but sue the doctor that misdiagnosed me and provided me with poor medical information.....but thats the last thing on my mind....first things first is to get better......make sure you find a good psychiatrist like i have (atleast i think he's good)......and then think about utilizing some kind of medication to help you atleast function........be sure to tell them you are very sensitive to medication.....
If you ever wanna chat just PM me...

Chris


----------



## Cat51998

Hi Chris,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I can relate to your symptoms and experiences with dp. I'm 48 years-old. I started suffering from dp when I was 12 after my brother's death. I had no idea what was happening and nowhere to go for help. My parents believed that mental illness was something a person could just "snap out of." I recovered from dp for a while when I was 21 after a bad post-partum depression. I stayed on medication for a year after my son's birth and had no more instances with dp for several years. However I was married to an alcoholic for twelve years and was so focused on him, I could not even feel my own feelings yet alone think about them. I left my husband, and I graduated from college and I'm almost done with a master's degree. I too exercise a lot. In 2005 I was in a car accident and the dp returned. It's been hell. The worst part is I finally diagnosed myself six months ago after watching Matthew Perry's movie, Numb! I can't tell you how much this infuriates me. I had been to several doctors and psychiatrists after my son's birth and after I left my husband. No one ever mentioned dp. I've been writing about childhood a lot lately and publishing the writing online. This seems to give me some relief. I wish there were something I could do to help educate doctors and the public about dp. I sent Oprah and Dr. Phil an email, but I doubt they will get back to me. I have written several articles online in the hope to reach out to more people. I link this website also. I don't care about the stigma of mental illness anymore. I'm too old to care.

I wish you the best. 
Cathy


----------



## Sketch2000

Thank you Cathy. 
I am sorry to hear that you too have suffered. I would be interested in reading some of your articles. This is very productive on your part!

Thanks again.
Chris


----------



## Cat51998

Hi Chris,

I tried to post the links to some articles, but the webpage said I haven't been a member long enough to post links. So if you go to google and type in "how to deal with depersonalization," my articles on ehow will come up first. I get a lot of hits with my ehow articles if I manage keywords well in the articles. I've written some articles about depersonalization on bukisa and hub pages, but those don't get too many hits.

Thanks for your interest.

Cathy


----------

