# I'm a 19-year old CAT LADY.



## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

I've noticed that a lot of people in this community are in actual relationships, romantic, sexual, some married! How the hell does it happen?

I'm starting to realize the strange power I have vested in my virginity at 19... Maybe this is too much information, but it adds impact.

Sure, I can attract guys who have the intellect of a Girls Gone Wild tape, but are there really any halfway decent guys who are willing to wait around for someone as socially retarded and mentally disorganized as I am? I realize I'm not in the best mental state right now. I feel pretty brain dead and I don't feel like I have a whole lot to offer another human being, but at the same time... I remember my old self. I remember clear, deep thought... so I have standards, I guess.

My last (and only) boyfriend saw me as enigmatic and intriguing...
Three months later he saw me as a hopeless cause: shy, personalityless and impossible to crack, and of course he cheated on me. At the end of our relationship he told me said to me, "I didn't even feel like you were my girlfriend," which was definitely a burn. This showed me that not only is it impossible for me to feel a connection to someone, but it's impossible for other people to feel connected to me in any special way. The thing with this guy was that I actually really DID like him a lot. I felt a connection and was paralyzed by the fear of losing the first person I felt good about in years and because of this fear and the way it made me act around him, I did lose him.

I realize that I'm difficult. Where do I go to meet other difficult people? Sometimes I think I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I don't think I want to deal with a relationship until I "fix" myself, but at the rate I'm going, I won't.... so I have to start at some point. I'm already so cynical about dating and relationships. The longer I'm single, the more bitter I become.

I'm going to join my cats in bed.


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## Guest (Oct 27, 2005)

Do you think that you are scared of being hurt, so don't like to let your guard down and connect? Bit of generic answer, i'm afraid.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

I'm permanently available.


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

> of course he cheated on me. At the end of our relationship he told me said to me, "I didn't even feel like you were my girlfriend," which was definitely a burn. This showed me that not only is it impossible for me to feel a connection to someone, but it's impossible for other people to feel connected to me in any special way.


Wait a minute. The guy cheated on you and then he said something shi$$y when it all came down and you decide it's impossible for people to feel connected to you ??

People will say all kinds of cruel things at the end of a relationship. Please don't take those words as an explaination of who you are. My question is...Well who the hell is _he_? Again, don't let his words define who you are. It is when we let others define who we are that we lose our own souls. Don't ever let anyone do that. Okay?


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

i actually think that's a pretty good idea (waiting until you feel more emotionally/mentally stable to start a relationship). you are only 19 so you have a long time to settle down...just try to get healthy and happy for now. that is my 2 cents, anyway


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

i lost it at 19, and i still feel like it was a mistake. i should have waited, but i felt pressured because all my friends wanted a peice. and now i realize that was because i was a virgin. it was intruiging to them how i could have kept it for so long, but it wasnt about me. i wish i waited not because i have high morals or anything, but because its a huge responsibility and has such heavy duty consequences and the older you are when it happens the more prepared you are for the reprocussions.

as far as companionship, i find that my animals give me everything i need in that arena. having a dude around is not that big a deal. guys, especially needy ones, can be a real pain in the butt and if you dont give them what they want when they want it, they will go out and find it. the wrong guy can be a real waste of time, energy, finances, you name it. sometimes i feel that guys are only good for one thing, and most of the time, they are not even good for that.


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## MrMortgage (Aug 26, 2005)

sleepingbeauty said:


> i lost it at 19, and i still feel like it was a mistake. i should have waited, but i felt pressured because all my friends wanted a peice. and now i realize that was because i was a virgin. it was intruiging to them how i could have kept it for so long, but it wasnt about me. i wish i waited not because i have high morals or anything, but because its a huge responsibility and has such heavy duty consequences and the older you are when it happens the more prepared you are for the reprocussions.
> 
> as far as companionship, i find that my animals give me everything i need in that arena. having a dude around is not that big a deal. guys, especially needy ones, can be a real pain in the butt and if you dont give them what they want when they want it, they will go out and find it. the wrong guy can be a real waste of time, energy, finances, you name it. sometimes i feel that guys are only good for one thing, and most of the time, they are not even good for that.


LOL!!!! Same goes for girls!


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

terri* said:


> > of course he cheated on me. At the end of our relationship he told me said to me, "I didn't even feel like you were my girlfriend," which was definitely a burn. This showed me that not only is it impossible for me to feel a connection to someone, but it's impossible for other people to feel connected to me in any special way.
> 
> 
> Wait a minute. The guy cheated on you and then he said something shi$$y when it all came down and you decide it's impossible for people to feel connected to you ??
> ...


It's nice to think he didn't have a reason for saying those things, but I'm not in denial... he really did.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

agentcooper said:


> i actually think that's a pretty good idea (waiting until you feel more emotionally/mentally stable to start a relationship). you are only 19 so you have a long time to settle down...just try to get healthy and happy for now. that is my 2 cents, anyway


I try, but it's been so long and I just get worse and worse so I either lock myself up as I've been doing or venture out into the real world and try to live a semi-normal life. I think if I keep living the way I do I'll never regain hope for human relationships. I do or did agree with you though. I don't know. I'm confused.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

> I'm permanently available


Me too, so it seems. I'd have a relationship with a Potato if it was socially unacceptable and morally dubious.



> but are there really any halfway decent guys


Define 'halfway decent', if you please. There aren't many knights in shining armour, that's for sure, but there aren't many princesses either. It seems you have to settle for second best in everything in life. After going through the head f**k turmoil of first-loves, second-loves, third-loves, marriage, divorce, apathy...etc.

Ah, what a life.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Martinelv said:


> Define 'halfway decent', if you please. There aren't many knights in shining armour, that's for sure, but there aren't many princesses either. It seems you have to settle for second best in everything in life. After going through the head f**k turmoil of first-loves, second-loves, third-loves, marriage, divorce, apathy...etc.
> 
> Ah, what a life.


I guess "halfway decent" is an overused phrase, but when I say halfway decent I actually mean halfway decent, not perfect. Interesting or unique in some way. The more I think of this, the more I think my definition of "interesting" might mean mentally ill.. But most likely I think this is the only type of person who could tolerate me. :? 
Psh.


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

"he told me said to me, "I didn't even feel like you were my girlfriend," which was definitely a burn. This showed me that not only is it impossible for me to feel a connection to someone, but it's impossible for other people to feel connected to me in any special way. The thing with this guy was that I actually really DID like him a lot. I felt a connection and was paralyzed by the fear of losing the first person I felt good about in years and because of this fear and the way it made me act around him, I did lose him.

I realize that I'm difficult."

Hi Fingertingle,

I've still been thinking about you.

In the quote above you say it is impossible to feel a connection and then you write you did feel a connection to him. That's one thing I'm confused on. Then you say you acted in a way that you felt gave him reason for ending the relationship. Were you insecure and jealous over him? And lastly, if you do want to answer any of these...why are you difficult. Is it because of the dp or other things, too?

I saw the really cute pics you posted and just started wondering about you. Like you and others said, you are young, there is *plenty* of time, and the best thing...something I wish I really had done at your age..
would be getting to know yourself and be confident and comfortable with who you are. I _really_ wish I had known to do that.

Okay. Just me wondering some things if you do feel like replying to them.

terri


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

I swear to god, I'm not a contrarian. I just find lots of ways to disagree with people. 

Theres plenty of time? Is there really. This is an end all excuse. Why do today what I can do tomorrow, I mean seriously...theres plenty of time. People say this all the time and its a nice way of never getting anything done. Believe me, I'm an expert on not getting anything done. Psychologically speaking, the only way you get better at relationships is by having them. You don't float around in you're mental world discovering you're inner child and building up a self-image and THEN go out. You just go out. And you fuck up sometimes. Then you either get back up on the horse, or turn into a real cat lady or alcoholic.

Life is not guaranteed. This is a simple concept that people should realize, its just that they haven't gotten close enough to death to realize they aren't immune. I'm 19, but I could die tomorrow. Its not unfeasible. So is there really "plenty of time" ?


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

terri* said:


> "he told me said to me, "I didn't even feel like you were my girlfriend," which was definitely a burn. This showed me that not only is it impossible for me to feel a connection to someone, but it's impossible for other people to feel connected to me in any special way. The thing with this guy was that I actually really DID like him a lot. I felt a connection and was paralyzed by the fear of losing the first person I felt good about in years and because of this fear and the way it made me act around him, I did lose him.
> 
> I realize that I'm difficult."
> 
> ...


It's sort of hard to explain without telling a really long and boring story. Basically everytime we hung out I had a little bit of hope for us, but every night was exactly the same awkward silence. I think maybe I created the connection in my head, too, because while we were together I always felt so distant.. It wasn't during our actual conversations, but the moments in between when I was sure he was the most wonderful thing on earch :? . Still, if I did have some vague connection to him, it was a rare sort of thing for me and I guess my ability to connect to others has little to do with how people feel about me. He ended things with good reason because we barely talked and he tried hopelessly for 3 months straight to get me to open up. He really wasn't the worst guy on the planet, as I like to think of him. If he knew what was wrong with my head, maybe he would've been a little more careful with it in the end, who knows. All I know is that, by the end, he thought that his efforts overpowered mine enought hat I deserved to be treated like crap and I'm guessing he wouldn't be the only one to think something like that. It's kind of hard to wait around for some magical recovery when it's been so long... but I guess people are right, it's a little pointless to be in a relationship when all I want to do is whine about my mental problems


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

"At the end of our relationship he told me said to me, 'I didn't even feel like you were my girlfriend,' which was definitely a burn."

I've heard that before. Although in my case I can definitely see where they were coming from. I'm not always big on displays of affection... holding hands, kissing, etc. So I think that is what they meant... also with dating certain people I'm extremely shy and I've been told it's like pulling teeth tryin' to talk to me.

"I guess "halfway decent" is an overused phrase, but when I say halfway decent I actually mean halfway decent, not perfect. Interesting or unique in some way. The more I think of this, the more I think my definition of "interesting" might mean mentally ill.. But most likely I think this is the only type of person who could tolerate me. 
Psh."

I seem to gravitate towards unique, interesting, mentally ill people. My boyfriends always seem to have anger issues, suicidal tendencies, drug addictions... it's always something. That goes with my "friends" too. It's easier for me to talk to people like this. I have rarely dated "normal" people and I don't have any normal friends. They make me nervous. My therapist has been discussing with me as to why this might be. I think I feel like I won't be understood by normal people so I don't even try. Ok I'm getting off your topic sorry.

What am I getting at? I wouldn't suggest going out to find other "difficult" people. Cuz aside from our DP these difficult people we find are more messed up than we are. And then if you're anything like me you start trying to fix them... which is not possible I have learned. And dealing with their probs fucks up your life.

I have heard the whole you can't love anyone else 'til you love yourself stuff and maybe it's true although I don't believe it. But maybe you should have your head straight before you start looking for a boyfriend. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

But then Scattered does have a point. Shit I don't know. How are you in the friends department? Is it good there?


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

I'll just stick in a brief "thank you" for replying to my post, Tingle. And yes, Scattered, the basic we could all die tomorrow school of thought certainly is there...especially at 19 and especially at 50. One of the reasons I guess people like me who have been 19 years old eons ago, and went thru the whole f'd up mess of not knowing myself and knocking my head against a wall for 20 or so years, only to find out knowing yourself is a pretty good option...think at this point in time, for me, considering there is plenty of time is not really an end all excuse. I consider it saving yourself much pain and grief.

But hey, like parent's say, noone could have told me anything at that age either. Will there really be a tomorrow? Do I exist? These are all questions whose answers will come in time...usually your own.

Okay, enough from me. I don't feel like it was a contrary remark in an argumentative sense, just an opinion like my own.

I do hope things get better for you, Fingertingle.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

I have enough friends. I wish they were more like me, but they are smart, nice people. I can't complain.

I have trouble making friends. I also have trouble finding other freaks. I don't want any more normal friends, they are too exhausting. Hah.

All my friends are girls though. So as far as dating goes... nothing there.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Dear Friends.
My hotmail has crashed and I found something that beautifully elucidates exactly what I'm talking about... Email from exboyfriend. You don't have to read it, but I was having trouble explaining my issues so:

_when was the last time i recieved a phone call from you? not to attempt to throw
"the blame" on you here... but when i say i'll call you what is it that prevents
you from picking up that phone and giving me a call? honestly... *after a time it
seems so one sided it almost makes me sad.* *not to mention when we do talk. i've
never gotten anything about you. i try as much as possible to learn about you
and connect with you, and i am getting the vibe that you want nothing of the
sort.*

i have more to say, but creating an argument right now is not going to solve
anything. if that is the way you feel, then SPEAK UP for god's sake and don't
let it come to this. my feelings for you have not changed, but i cannot speak
for anyone else. i think we need to have a talk and decide what is best for
both of us._

This made me totally nauseated and depressed and I don't even know why.


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## Guest (Oct 30, 2005)

What a vicious cycle:

Getting in arguments, breaking up, sending apologetic emails expecting to patch things up, getting back together, getting in more arguments, breaking up, sending emails expecting to patch things up.

It'll all be a big joke in a few years from now anyways. Just ignore it.


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