# Dont want to live liek this anymore



## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

I cant take it that i have this inside me anymore, i want to tear it out. Im completley freaking out, its so fucked up, its like i want to stop this life and start again, like reset it all. I cant look at my family without intense feelings of guilt and shame that im going to kill myself and ive let them down so badly. omg i feel completley out of it, i cant describe it.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Bosko said:


> I cant take it that i have this inside me anymore, i want to tear it out. Im completley freaking out, its so fucked up, its like i want to stop this life and start again, like reset it all. I cant look at my family without intense feelings of guilt and shame that im going to kill myself and ive let them down so badly. omg i feel completley out of it, i cant describe it.


I get you.. are you taking any medication?


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

no i cant find any drs that even want to help me, the last one told me to come back in 3 weeks. I dont know what to do anymore i feel like im in a parrell world, i cant take what this is doing to me and my loved ones anymore its just to fucked up for words. Im so scared of killing myself but i dont want to live liike this anymore, this isnt life, its punishment everyday


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Bosko said:


> no i cant find any drs that even want to help me, the last one told me to come back in 3 weeks. I dont know what to do anymore i feel like im in a parrell world, i cant take what this is doing to me and my loved ones anymore its just to fucked up for words. Im so scared of killing myself but i dont want to live liike this anymore, this isnt life, its punishment everyday


Do you ever get decent days? Or does it feel like horrible as hell everyday? A few months back I felt like that EVERYDAY, for some reason I kept on having weird suicidal thoughts, I was in complete despair, until I went to the psychiatrist and got myself some medication that has helped me a LOT, I still don't find much joy in life and I still don't know the meaning of life, I don't even know if I'll ever recover and feel my old self again, but the medication gave me some hope, I manage to get trough the day without feeling as if I'm getting punished, now I just feel kinda.. lost, I don't know what to do, but I'm nowhere close to how I used to feel before


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

because ive been like this for years, i cant stop thinking its stuck in me, that there is something wrong in me. I dont get good days anymore, im so scared because i really do feel now that i could kill myself, everything ive read about suicide frightens me to death but i cant see another way out of this.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Bosko said:


> because ive been like this for years, i cant stop thinking its stuck in me, that there is something wrong in me. I dont get good days anymore, im so scared because i really do feel now that i could kill myself, everything ive read about suicide frightens me to death but i cant see another way out of this.


There are other ways out of this, everyone's different, some suffer more than others, but it doesn't mean that the ones who suffer the most don't have a chance to recover, there's always a way out trust me, I'm not telling you that you're gonna recover in a month, a year or 5 years, but who knows, you can recover anytime, things can change in your life, you can find something that makes you happy and makes it all be worth it, suicide is never the way out, and being afraid of suicide is normal, 90% of the people here get that, but maybe not as intense as you, because you obsess way too much about it, a good anxiolytic would be good for you to keep those thoughts away from you and give you some mental rest, meanwhile, just try to stay away from them, divert your mind with stuff, get involved in things that require concentration, that'll help a lot


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

Bosko, I understand what you're going through. All of us know what you're feeling. There will be good days, trust that. Keep staying positive.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

Cambella2002 said:


> Bosko, I understand what you're going through. All of us know what you're feeling. There will be good days, trust that. Keep staying positive.


You dont understand, im stuck like this, this is my life, i will always be thinking in the wrong way, i cant live like this. I thik i need to go to hospital AGAIN for like the 3 time in 5 months. I cant believe this is my life now, im so ashamed and frightened.


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## 938721 (Nov 19, 2010)

Bosko, right now I am on the 2nd worst day of my life. I never experienced DP like this. For the past 2 days its been unbearable. The whole world looks different. Everything is dark, I am scared to death. BUT IM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. I think about it and I dream about it. But I have to try and find hope. If I can survive right now, so can you. You are tougher than you think. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. I will call you. I will email you....anything you need.


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## el_kapitano (Aug 21, 2010)

Bosko, we're all in the same position. You must relax and calm your nerves. Try to accept this condition and don't fight it. Preocupy yourslef with something you like. 
I'm also thinking about suicide a lot, but I also know that recovery is possible and that keeps me going. I even have much better days after many months of this horrible suffering, becuase I've learned some tricks how to deal with it.
Don't lose hope. Hope is all we have and you are not alone.


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## drew-uk (May 22, 2009)

I feel like this alot lately, think thought ending your life is giving up. You need to try at least one of everytype of help before you just give up. Do some research of things that have helped people get better and make a list of everything you will try before you give up.

1. Medication
2. Therapy
3. Alternative - vitamins or something like st johns wort.
4. Meditation

I have lived with for five years and i still wouldnt give up. I go through hell every day. I scared all the time and i feel i have no hope. I feel Removed from the universe scared of the furure and past not knowing why i feel like this. I hardly leave the house and hate the thought of waking up in the morning.

Its not easy living with this but just try 1 of each thing from my list, then you know you have tried everything.

Please find hope in somthing

Peace, Drew


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

Bosko, if you feel that the hospital will be your best bet. Then try it. Is inpatient support what you're looking for? Drew has some good suggestions. We are here for you, don't give up.


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## Onibla (Nov 9, 2010)

"You dont understand, im stuck like this, this is my life, i will always be thinking in the wrong way, i cant live like this. I thik i need to go to hospital AGAIN for like the 3 time in 5 months. I cant believe this is my life now, im so ashamed and frightened. "

We do understand. Some of us have been where you are now. Quite possible that some of us had it worse.
I'd suggest you read Paul David's book 'A life at last', that calmed me down a lot in the early days. There is a way out but you really need to lose your fear of the DP/DR.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

I understand what you mean about not being scared, but it like saying to a somebody with parkinsons to stop shaking. I cant help it, i dont even know what im scared of anymore, i cant explain what this is like, i think there is something seriously wrong with me, today i couldnt remember the alpahabet and i keep seeing massive lights flash infront of my eyes. I dont know what is going on, and the fucking drs keep talking to me like nothing is wrong when im living like this.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

I really dont understand what is wrong with me. I cant do this anmore, im shaking im so fucking scared


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## NewBrainPleeze (Aug 31, 2010)

You need to find some new Docter's because the one's your seeing obviously dont understand the pain or urgency of your situation. Please go to the hospital or talk with someone here before you make a decision to harm yourself. Your not here by accident, there is a purpose for all of us. Know this that I care and many others here do I'm sure. If you need to talk let me or someone else here know. Shawn


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## Brando2600 (Apr 22, 2010)

You need an anti-psychotic to calm you down, trust me, they work.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

well i went into hospital this week for 2 days, the first night i was hallucincating. I had flu, had been drinking heavily and i think this as well caused me to flip. I was lying in bed and felt like there was a 3 part plan to take over a rougue african nation in my head, and the 2nd one was the best way to go. Also that my pillow was like the 2nd plan and it was safe! all this stuff in my head, i still kept thinking terrible things, my head felt like a teapot that was boiling. I must stress, this wasnt pleasent in any way, it wasnt like lsd or anything like that it was complete hell. Over the past few days i have calmed down a bit, and thankfully there are plans in place now to see some decent help. IM still freaked out by this. The fact that i had never before felt truly suicdial, to stop this, it is very frightening and i never want to go back there. They gave me olanzaapine to take at night. Id be interested to see what others have to say about the meds they give me, il post it in the meds section or something.


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