# Introduction & Nicotine helping DR?!



## LMG (Aug 18, 2011)

Hello, I'm a 20-year-old female. This is quite long, but I would really appreciate any readers. I've joined this site with hopes of connecting with people that have had similar experiences.

I've always had social and generalized anxiety, however it wasn't diagnosed until I was 13 years old. When I was 12 years old I was extremely anxious and had clinical depression. This continued for years until I finally broke down to my mom and told her how I had been feeling for years (I had always tried to act happy). I then went into intense out-patient therapy and went on medication for the first time. For a few months, it was a miracle. I was not anxious or depressed at all. It was amazing to see what life was like for other people. However, that summer, it stopped working completely and I was devastated. My doctor tried upping the dose, changing medications, etc, but nothing worked and I haven't been on medication since.

From what I can remember, this was when my clinical depression stopped and my derealization started. The year before, I had a traumatic experience that I didn't want to accept had happened. I tried to face it, but there was no one to really support me who understood what I was going through, so I stopped talking about it and told myself to forget about it. This, mixed with my loss of hope for recovery from anxiety is what I think caused my derealization disorder at first. I didn't want to believe that the reality around me was real, because I couldn't accept what had happened. So I started to look around thinking "this world is wrong, it can't be real. It shouldn't be like this." Things gradually became dream-like and numb from there. I remember around this time asking my friends "do you ever feel like you're in a dream?" but I don't think it was a constant state of being at that point yet.

Then, when I was 16, I had a mental/emotional break down and dropped out of school. I had no desire to live and withdrew from the world for 8 months. I stayed in my room and stopped picking up my friend's phone calls. I stopped being able to feel at all and slept all the time. My derealization was at an extreme at this point, but I didn't really notice or care. I was in a state of not wanting to be in the world.

Now I'm going to college, getting 4.0s, have a job, and am seemingly successful. However, my derealization disorder is constant and intense. I feel completely blind, like I can't see anything, everything feels even less real than a dream. I also started having depersonalization a few months ago, so now I feel completely disconnected from any kind of existence. I feel like I do not exist, that I have never existed, that somehow I am here but was never here at all. It's terrifying because I feel there is nothing holding me to this world. It's unbearable.

Some other things: I've been taking minocycline since I was 14, and just recently saw that it can cause derealization. I've since stopped taking it.

Recently, for the first time in years, I've had little moments (maybe 30 seconds) where I look around and oh my god, everything is REAL. I can see color, everything is 3d again. However, this ONLY happens when I'm smoking cigarettes. It happens every time I do, and at first I thought it was because of the head-buzzes/dizziness (I'm a new smoker) but I don't have those anymore and this still happens. Has anyone else had this experience? Could it be the nicotine or the inhaling? It doesn't make sense to me and I don't want to have to smoke to feel like that (I'd like to quit eventually) but I can't get over how amazing it is to feel normal even for a moment and the hope that it gives me. If anyone has any idea why that could be happening/has a similar experience, please let me know!


----------



## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

I had this awhile ago with chewing tobacco, but then I got really light head from it and felt sick hahaha.

If your a new smoker you mind as well quit while your ahead. Tobacco can lead DP/DR. I do have the occasional cigar on the weekend but honestly don't get hooked on it, it's not worth it.


----------



## lil P nut (May 7, 2011)

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Well, Nicotine stimulates Dopamine (one reason for it being addictive). Dopamine is a major player in perception. For what it is worth, smoking cuts a persons risk of getting Parkinson's Disease (a dopamine disorder) in half. Not to say smoking is healthy, just that there is a strong connection with dopamine.

Of course many people smoke to relax and relieve anxiety - so it is hard to know why it helps you.

Have you tried any medications?


----------



## theoneandonly (Nov 17, 2010)

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I'm 19 years old and got derealization when I entered my first semester of college. Even though the DR was unbearable at some points, I still was able to maintain a 3.8 GPA by the end of the year...

I also have anxiety and get depressed from time to time, which makes me feel hopeless when I think about my DR.


----------

