# i think its over for me



## lilnewk (Mar 15, 2012)

this is my third time having it. i had it for over a year the first time, 1 month the second and im on 2 months this time while being pregnant. i would rather have cancer or loss limbs than live with this again. medication fixed me last time and its not working this time. i love life and i have the most perfect life EVER but unfortunately im not willing to live in this world anymore if its has to be like this. I have 12 weeks until my baby and due and then i think its lights out for me. im scared and i want to live so bad but i cant like this. i dont know if its that it is worse this time or that my life is so perfect now and i cant be apart of it. i cant stand watching my life and not being apart of it anymore and i dont want to look at my baby boy and feel nothing when he is all i have ever wanted, its torture.


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## Justwantingtohelp (Dec 16, 2017)

Please, dear god, don't hurt yourself. I made an account and joined this site just so I could comment on your post. I found this site today for the firest time ever. This has to be some kind of fate. Please, let me convince you that the world and your life have more to offer than what you think now.


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## lilnewk (Mar 15, 2012)

How ? I had this and got rid of it and changed my life completely. I was thankful for everything, I was happy, I got engaged, bought a house, got married, got pregnant and changed my eating and started working out. I changed everything for the better and I still got it again. I can’t even enjoy this amazing life i made and always wanted. The unknown is what makes it not worth it anymore. I’m not jumping back like I have before and it’s worse than ever, nothing’s working. I love my life but I’m not apart of it anymore. I feel alone and I can’t take care of a baby in this condition. In the end it’s better for everyone. My husband has been suffering seeing me suffer and has had to do everything and it’s going to get real old especially when the baby comes.  I believe paxil helped me twice get threw it ( it helped right away last day so I got better and better and recovered in 1 month ) I got off when I got pregnant and when I went back on when this came back it did nothing at all for me. I’m on Prozac now and it’s not helping. I know I need meds to help me but none of them are.


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## bigpwn (Dec 14, 2017)

Hey, have you checked if maybe you have vitamin/mineral deficiencies? Vitamin D maybe? Is it wintertime there?

If your life is amazing it could be something as simple as not enough sun, or not enough magnesium in your diet. Don't give up, you will get back on track soon, I'm sure of it.


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## lilnewk (Mar 15, 2012)

Iv been taking tons of vitamins, thank you though. Iv Just lost all motivation this time having this. I’m not sure if that’s due to the medications not working this time but I need motivation or something to keep me doing and I just can’t find it.


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## Cheffy (Dec 3, 2017)

My trigger was dieting and exercise. My bidy is sensitive to food deprivation fir some reason. i lessened my carb intake and this started.

I just brought healthy clean carbs like rice back 100 grams each day and i got much better right away. Memory and personality was back but not yet 100%.

Of course other factors triggered my dp like being away from home.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi. Please hold on and do not let go. It sounds like you have a good life. Don't let something like this take that from you. You have recovered twice before, there is a good chance you will again. 2 months is not a long period of time to judge wether this will last or not. And you have a baby on the way.

I felt the need to post on your thread as recently a close friend of mine took her life. She spoke of suicide, I never thought she really would, but she did, and she left behind a son who is one year old. It is devastating for the child and for the family.

Please hold onto life and have hope. Please see a doctor and seek professional help if you need to.

Here are some lifeline phone numbers you can call if you wish to:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/54170-crisis-suicide-hotlines/

We are here for you the best we can be, feel free to message me anytime if you want to.


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## davinizi (Mar 9, 2016)

you stopped cold turkey on your previous med? Perhaps it's because of the withdrawal effects you're feeling


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## lilnewk (Mar 15, 2012)

i went to the hospital and they stopped me cold turkey and i was begging for it


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

lilnewk said:


> i went to the hospital and they stopped me cold turkey and i was begging for it


What did they stop you cold turkey of? What were you begging for?


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## lilnewk (Mar 15, 2012)

paxil


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## Lexy67 (Sep 23, 2017)

I hope you're feeling btr. But I undertsand if you don't.

I understand how you feel badly about having pother ppl suffer that your husband has to do everything.

I was having a pretty god life until this problem resurfaced w a vengeance. I can't do anything now; in terms of capabilities. But the worst part of it is not being able to connect to others.

I don't know if you feel that way.


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

Suicide is obviously a very common topic on this board and though everyone should respect each other's battle with DP and ultimate decision about what each of us does with our own lives I also think it's important to point out how many people who contemplate suicide happen to do so because of a particular series of unfortunate events that coincide together. For example, there are literally millions of people living with DP as we speak. Some of them are living with a level of DP most can't even begin to understand, and yet many of those people aren't suicidal. They struggle, yes, but they're able to navigate day to day life without the desire to end their existence. Conversely, there is also a large faction of DP sufferers who have varying degrees of DP but due to other external circumstances decide life is too overwhelming and cannot go on any longer. Where you are on this spectrum only you know. But please ask yourself: Are you contemplating suicide because you cannot handle DP any longer, or are you capable of handling DP but have a variety of additional life obstacles that is making DP and your ability to handle it unbearable?

To give you an example of what I'm talking about in my own life, about a year and a half ago I decided I was going to kill myself. At the time I thought there was no way out. I was a year into my second bout of severe DP and simply couldn't take it any longer. But that's the simplified version of the story. When examined under the microscope the truth is I had not slept for essentially three months (about four hours total each night), I had just broken up with someone I felt very strongly for, I was going through benzo withdrawals, I had the worst anxiety of my life, the worst depression of my life and I literally didn't know anything about my condition or how to improve my health. In short, though I blamed my suicidal ideation on DP the truth is it wasn't just DP. I had been living with DP for many years prior and never even came close to suicide. What caused me to want to kill myself was actually a culmination of various health concerns all at the same time. This seems to be the case for many people who post about wanting to commit suicide as well.

You mention you're pregnant, could hormones be playing a role? I imagine so. And you mention your diet -- have you kept track of what you've been eating lately or have you changed what you've been eating lately? I know you have to be very careful of what you eat while pregnant, so perhaps that's playing some role as well. You're at a very chaotic crossroads in your life. Anybody in your position would likely have lots of crazy thoughts wandering through their head. Just remember, however, that suicide is permanent. You don't get a second chance at life. Additionally, pain is temporary. What you're going through will pass. This is a fact. So again, ask yourself whether you're willing to apply a permanent solution to a temporary pain. Lastly, think about your child. Whatever pain you're going through now will be passed on to them as well as your husband and family members. Pain is inevitable, and you have been given a lot, no doubt, but do you really want your burden passed on to your dearest loved ones?

I can't imagine what you're going through but one thing I do know is I've been through hell and I've come out the other side alive. I know what it's like to be in a similar position as you and I know what it's like to feel like all hope is lost. But the best decision I've ever made was the decision not to kill myself. Live gets better. This is a fact. You have to remember that what you're going through will not last, and though you may have to experience more pain later on, keep in mind that eventually if you stay with it long enough you will find some level of happiness again.

Please think things through. Please do no make a rash, emotional decision based on how you feel now, and not how you might feel tomorrow or a week from now or next year. Please think of your daughter and her life. If you do I imagine you'll feel differently about all this later on down the road.


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## davinizi (Mar 9, 2016)

> I got off when I got pregnant and when I went back on when this came back it did nothing at all for me.


How much time was there between going off the paxil and on it again? If you felt no benefit this time, perhaps it was because of still being in withdrawal from going off it cold turkey..and have you had bloodwork done to see if you have vitamin/mineral deficiencies?


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

lilnewk said:


> this is my third time having it. i had it for over a year the first time, 1 month the second and im on 2 months this time while being pregnant. i would rather have cancer or loss limbs than live with this again. medication fixed me last time and its not working this time. i love life and i have the most perfect life EVER but unfortunately im not willing to live in this world anymore if its has to be like this. I have 12 weeks until my baby and due and then i think its lights out for me. im scared and i want to live so bad but i cant like this. i dont know if its that it is worse this time or that my life is so perfect now and i cant be apart of it. i cant stand watching my life and not being apart of it anymore and i dont want to look at my baby boy and feel nothing when he is all i have ever wanted, its torture.


Why did they make you stop Paxil cold turkey? Is it because they thought it wouldn't be good since you are pregnant? Because if so, there's other medications that you can take while pregnant. I take Effexor and Xanax daily and the combination is helping. I been with this hell for 10 months now and at first it was a pure horrific nightmare. It was so bad that I couldn't even open my eyes because when I did I would be sent to this dream like twilight light zone paranormal world. That's how intense it was. I was suffering so bad. And I'm not recovered but I am not suffering. So yeah if something didn't work for you then try something else. If you feel like your doctor is not helping you then find someone else (I am on my forth psychiatrist and this last one is actually the one that's helpig me the most) I have kids and they have kept me very distracted from this hell and that helps me so much. I won't let this take over and end me and you shouldn't neither. Keep flighting for you and that baby.


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## willbarwa (Aug 26, 2017)

lilnewk said:


> Iv been taking tons of vitamins, thank you though. Iv Just lost all motivation this time having this. I'm not sure if that's due to the medications not working this time but I need motivation or something to keep me doing and I just can't find it.


Maybe thats the problem, taking tons of vitamins you also need to understand something.

Getting married, having a baby, buying a house, these things are big stressors in your life whether you consciously admit them or not. Being pregnant also throws your hormones out of whack, like crazy.

Even though these stressors may have been good for you, your PNS may be fatigued and thus reacts to it negatively.

You have only a fraction of the puzzle. But check for adrenal fatigue, hyperactivation of nonepinephrine and cortisol, as well as deficiency in zinc and magnesium.

You went threw a lot and your brain is just...fatigued. It needs to rest and a good thing that can help is to not think about it so much.


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## RunToMe (May 30, 2019)

So often, you find people who are so in totally despair and they stay only a short time in this forum. Nobody knows, if they are living anymore or they came out of this hell...


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## RunToMe (May 30, 2019)

i only wanted to emphasize that its a torture for a lot of people no matter how long they stay in this despairing state. every second is like a horror. and i only wanted to say that nobody knews how they are living now, after leaving the forum. my statement hadnt not the intention to be respectless to people how lives brave for a very long time in this hell. maybe my english is sometimes not the best as a non-native speaker...


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## Emptyflask (Jun 29, 2019)

If its the same as it was before, theres no reason you cant get better again. Idk how long ago you took medication but you could be experiancing withdrawal and offbalance of brain chemicals. The lack of motivation and utter hopelessness sounds like depression. See if theres anything safe you can take while pregnant. Try to exercise more or something.


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