# [TW Suicide] An Absolutely Terrifying Experience



## Riah (Feb 17, 2014)

I was feeling *absolutely horrific feelings of unreality* yesterday and today, pretty much at my lowest; and I had been doing so well for about 3 weeks. However yesterday and today, I was 100% cut off from all reality. I had no sense of judgement, no sense of social cues (I had no concept of who I was in relation to my family), every person was a machine, I was a machine, my reflection seemed strange and unfamiliar, I had no concept of time and very very little concept of my identity, or even what I was, nevermind who I was. I was psychotic. This made it very easy for the suicidal thoughts and tendencies to creep in, and I behaved recklessly, without going into details I'll just say that I had a to-be-or-not-to-be mentality and made poor decisions.

Throughout this, I kept thinking "I have never felt this way before, ever, ever in my existence. I have never felt this bloody psychotic before". And that carried on for about a day and a half, without stopping. I honestly believed I had gone round the bend.

*I could not remember having any alike feelings of DP in my past, not one memory.* Then earlier this evening it finally hit me like a train; I had a flood of memories from early January and February; memories of feeling the exact same distinctive feelings of DP; and it felt like my brain was restarting. I remembered the feelings of teetering on the edge of sanity, of unreal surroundings, and memories of mania and hyperactiveness and euphoria I felt after recovering from an episode; and all of those things I experienced when realizing all of this. I was reassured that I was not going crazy anymore.

But 

Why could I not remember these events when I was in a depersonalized/derealized state? Why was my memory of those months blocked temporarily? I read a bit about dissociative amnesia right now, and apparently all it needs is "some form of psychological stress to precipitate the amnesia". Those two months were definitely the most stressful for me depersonalization/mood wise, perhaps somehow my mind temporarily put them on the backburner of my memory; to make the rest of my life easier. Just a thought, but it sure made these past 2 days hell on earth.


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## Bettti11 (Sep 7, 2010)

I've felt the same 3 days ago, and I feel myself also strange from this time. I have also some foggy memories like this state from the past, but I totally agree with you, my mind have just forgotten everything... And I don't know why.


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## Riah (Feb 17, 2014)

Yes, my memories are foggy as well. It's hard to accept that my past is my own; it feels like it belongs to someone else.


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## 59Ballons (Mar 10, 2014)

I remember when I was younger I was petrified of throwing up. But it wasn't a dislike. It was a full-blown terror. And it wasn't about throwing up, now that I look at it. It was about feeling trapped. In the midst of my DP, I was also flooded with past memories of feeling so trapped in my own mind and body and feeling that way, but it was when I was much younger and I didn't know what was happening to me.

Long story short, in the middle of an anxiety/DP attack, I do remember feeling this way before when earlier I did not.


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## kristikristi65 (Apr 4, 2014)

59Ballons said:


> I remember when I was younger I was petrified of throwing up. But it wasn't a dislike. It was a full-blown terror. And it wasn't about throwing up, now that I look at it. It was about feeling trapped. In the midst of my DP, I was also flooded with past memories of feeling so trapped in my own mind and body and feeling that way, but it was when I was much younger and I didn't know what was happening to me.
> 
> Long story short, in the middle of an anxiety/DP attack, I do remember feeling this way before when earlier I did not.


Funny you mentioned your terror about throwing up. when I was younger I ended up in the hospital because I had a terrible fear of throwing up. I would've rather died than thrown up. I stopped eating because I thought anything I put into my system would make me puke. I'm not afraid of vomiting anymore, but I realized through DP that what I am the most afraid of is losing control. With DP and throwing up, I feel like I have no control over both, which then fuels the vicious cycle. It's all about not feeling in control of yourself


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