# The world doesn't feel like it exists anymore



## insaticiable

Basically without making this into a really long thread (I'm feeling tired), I just wanted to express my concerns about something. I had dp/dr for 14 months straight (from Feb 2010-April 2011), then i made a full 100% recovery for 3 weeks in April while I was in the hospital (best feeling ever...everything was good & gravy), then for some unknown reason I relapsed again, this time feeling much worse than I did before I recovered. Anyways...I relapsed...went from severe out of body sensations, severe DP, then it transgressed to regular dp/dr which is what I had normally experienced before I had recovered (when I had it for those 14 months initially).

Something happened last Saturday with my brain. I don't know how to quite describe it at all. It started off with my body feeling really weird, it being uncomfortable being in my own skin, just feeling very very weird and strange overall. This started creating a lot of fear and panic within me (it almost felt like I was reliving the first few days that I had first gotten dp back in Feb '10), but the panic went away a couple days ago, and I am left with this feeling that I can't quite describe. It feels like the world does not exist...that I don't exist. It feels like something has shifted in my brain because I no longer feel my ''regular'' levels of dp/dr. This is something I've never felt before. Like I said, it just feels like nothing exists.

When I listen to music, I hear the sounds, but it is like my mind chooses to tune it out. Or if I'm eating food, I just see myself putting the fork in my mouth repeatedly, but it's like I can't taste the food that I eat. When I watch T.V, I barely process what I'm seeing. Something feels like it has shutdown in my brain. I don't know if I have dissociated to the point of no return or experiencing some bizarre form of DP (esp DP, not DR).

Last night, I was contemplating overdosing b/c I thought that I couldn't bear this ''new weird'' feeling much longer. That what is the point of living if I can't enjoy or process or understand or comprehend anything...i mean ANYTHING around me? I have taken a bunch of my antipsychotic medication to numb myself and make myself sleepy so that I don't feel anything. Don't feel the misey and the hopelessness. Numbing myself feels better than feeling the despair and thoughts of doing something destructive.

The very very worst part of it all is that I don't really know how to describe this feeling at all. It started off with ''I feel really weird. My body feels weird'' and now the feeling I have is just indescribable. I think my brain has numbed itself very intensely. I don't know if anything I just wrote makes sense, but I am truly truly hanging on by a thin piece of thread at this point.

Also...it feels like the left side of my head is numb. God...I wish I knew how to describe this better.

It feels like I have retreated so deeply within myself that I can't feel anything on the outside anymore. I think my brain has decided to take a permanent vacation.

Thoughts??

P.S: Sorry this inevitably turned out into being a long thread. My apologies. All I can say is....NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!!!


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## oo7grayfox

Hey. I don't know if this helps, but I've been suffering from DP for over 10 years now. It started when I was a kid, when I used to get picked on at school. Then for 3 years, I was fine. Then, when I got into High School, it started again and I've felt this way for the passed decade now. All I can say is that I'm happy I found this site. It seems like there are quite a few people who have beaten it. Maybe the more we write about it, and discuss, the closer we can get to doing the same. Hang in there. I will too.


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## Antarctic Leech

I hear you on the NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. Rant as much as you like. We all understand here.


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## PhoenixDown

Hey Insaticiable,

I understand the feeling you are describing. It defies description in many ways, but believe me I have been there. There was a time when my DP was so bad that I felt as you feel, that nothing existed. Everything stopped, time seemed to be so fleeting I was not able to experience the moment. My interaction with stimulus was essentially void.... though as you said, I still experienced the sensoral part but it was as if my brain didn't register it. What level was your DP at before this change from last saturday? You were just feeling weird and out of place in your body - not this feeling nothingness? And what do you think may have trigger this shift into a deeper dissociative level.... or is it just random like so much of this DP experience.

Please do not try and overdose. Do not commit suicide. No matter how horrible this may be you have to see it to its end. Why? I think it's just a stand all of us with DP have to take. Trust me, I often feel like ending this misery, but I have vowed never to do that. How old are you? What do you want to do with your life? There may still be hope. If for now you just have to numb yourself out to continue on - do that and do not feel guilty. You are suffering an incredible amount and you have every right to seek out solace in whatever way possible.

Perhaps remind yourself that you have recovered once before (which is amazing btw!). Seek out meaning, and if meaning is absent seek out distraction until you can find meaning. Oh and never feel guilty about expressing your feelings on this forum. That is what this place is here for.

Sending you massive hope and energy!!

Phoenix


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## insaticiable

Thank you so much for the support guys. It really means a lot, esp PhoenixDown. <3

If I can remember correctly, my DR was the only thing that was really bad before this shift in dissociative level, but I don't think anything in particular set it off or triggered it's worsening. At this point...I am not praying for recovery...I am just praying to return to my normal levels of dp/dr. I still felt some sense of reality back then.


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## Reborn

Hey insaticiable, sorry to hear ur feeling like this. i know EXACTLY how u feel. I've been in the same level of DP for the past few months. Music seems to be put into the background. Time doesn't seem like a real concept. I feel like I'm so stuck within myself that its like i dissociated from dissociation (if that makes any sense). NOTHING makes sense to me and I don't even have the insight to comprehend what is going on or how to explain it either. Like I can't even check in to see if I have DP cause my brain is so fucked that I don't even know what "normal" DP is like anymore. This post probably won't help much, but hopefully it gives you some sort of comfort. I'm just going with it and hoping that it'll get better and I too have been numbing myself with alcohol to try and distract myself from it. BAH!...the power of the mind lol.


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## insaticiable

Reborn said:


> *I feel like I'm so stuck within myself that its like i dissociated from dissociation (if that makes any sense).* NOTHING makes sense to me and I don't even have the insight to comprehend what is going on or how to explain it either. Like I can't even check in to see if I have DP cause my brain is so fucked that I don't even know what "normal" DP is like anymore.


This ^^

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been experiencing the same, but in a way it makes me feel less alone. I can't imagine having to deal with this ''new'' feeling for months. But I really feel you when you say that you've dissociated from the dissociation...I almost feel like a flower that's growing inwards, not outwards (if that makes sense). I hope this goes away soon. It's such a nightmarish and bizarre feeling.


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## aquabella

Thank you, Insaticiable, for noticing me upon my arrival to DPSH.com just last week. I don't know where you might be in your head right now seeing as this topic post started almost 2 weeks ago--I sure hope that you are in a much better place.

Thank you, also, for conveying (in your words) so many thoughts and feelings I have had with my experience of DP/DR; as I'm sure much of the community, here, has. I came to this community to reach out. I assume this to be a place where I can feel safe, fully expressed and related to, amidst the turmoil in my brain. I assume we should all have these gifts upon becoming a part of this community--most of all, each one of us in a moment of a downward spiral.

If you are not in a better place, please consider acting 'as-if' with as much awareness as you can muster. The 'act-as-if' tool has helped me out quite a bunch. It's not a simple task to motivate into, but gets easier with practice. Don't dwell on the perceived importance of whether you FEEL anything or not, acting 'as-if' you ARE safe, fully expressed and related to, in this moment, now, is what's important. Acting 'as-if' could be a useful tool; and at the very least, help you to get through (the moment) by helping you to break the state of self-perpetuating negative indulgences (ie. abuse of self, others, sex and/or drugs). It's the whole principal of "commit the action and the mind will follow." Resisting the urge to check back in with your DP/DR and KEEP BRINGING YOURSELF BACK to acting 'as-if' can be a useful tool to help you through these most effed up of moments.

The whole idea of trying to commit our thoughts/minds (and not the action) to something is pretty redundant to us DP/DR, esp. when the thoughts become self-indulgent/self-destructive. I'd like to believe that we are all here to help ourselves and each other not just to be understanding of one another, but to challenge one another toward our best possible outcome - RECOVERY! I challenge you to take heart and act 'as-if' your best possible outcome WILL happen for you









I am willing to do almost anything to beat this DP/DR sucker, even it that means I must submit to it (at some point--I'm not THERE, yet). What do you do when you are in 'the thicke' of your DP/DR? What tools do you use that best help you manage for the moment? What did you 'do' to get you through 'till this point?

BTW--glad to finally meet another DP/DR Los Angeleno!

Sending explosive potential joy...

aquabella


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## PhoenixDown

I like this "as if" concept, i could get into that... if only just to survive for now.


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