# in real need for answer or advice



## junfan (Apr 12, 2008)

my mum may have cancer, but I didn't seem to respond to it like I should, I feel dead to it, like I cannot comprend what is happening? I feel trap in my mind with myself, I just cant express my self and feel dead to the news, I feel lost and up set and crying in my mind, I just cannot comprehend what is happening, everthing is all weird, Its like I dont seem to be bothered by the news, yet I just want to kill myself because I feel so disapointed inside my self yet I feel like a dead person, I so upset in side my mind, I dont know what to do, I am so scared, If my mum dies of cancer, I am worried that I will wake up from all this and be so messed up, I just cannot see logic in anything, I crying inside my mind, I really need help. Has this got anything to do with my dp? It all seems so dead, I cant feel anything, form this God sake my mum just told me she may have cancer and I just cant express my self, ow I fewel so fuck up and just want ot kill my self, it would be easy dead, than have be so unimotional, I love my mum out of this world, ow god, i feel so shit, everyhitng, is all fucked up, time distortion i cant tell the difference in time, and everything, what is happening to me


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## Guest (Jul 23, 2008)

Hey Junfan.
When my father had a massive heart attack and had to be resucitated for half an hour with a defribbilator I was standing watching everything with no emotions whatsoever. I even remember walking home after that contemplating what I was going to do for the day and what to have for dinner. And this was before dp hit.
Five years later my mother is laying in a hospital bed after having two heart attacks and all I could think about was if I was going to make it home in time to watch the boxing match.
Like you I too love my parents and believe in my case I have some unresolved emotional trauma that causes me to feel this way. It doesn't mean you don't love your parents like you stated but right now your an emotional wreck from dealing with dp and its affecting every aspect of your life mentally and physically.
I suggest you have every medical test done to rule out a medical cause to your condition and if that comes back empty visit a psychiatrist for talk therapy or maybe even a change in your medication.
Believe me I'm in the exact same situation as you with similar thoughts and feelings and also struggle daily just like most of us on this board.
Please seek out help.


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## junfan (Apr 12, 2008)

thanks for reply dude, I have been to see a shrink, they put me on lamictol or whatever called! I am on 30 mg citloplam, and been reffered to london mausley dp clinic, which is supposed to be good, I think my dp is quiet servere as I have serious time distortion, by that I meam time is so messed, infac there is no time at all in my life, every second of the day seem the same, loss of emotion, no self, dont seem tot know who iam, lost of everything, still think iam going insane as this shit makes me feel like it, Its real hard, i dont seem to be part of life, i feel like iam a non expressive human, I keep thinking about existenal shit!! it drives me crazy, I have anxiety 24/7 I just cant seem to relate to normailty of life, nothing intrests me, i put on a fake laugh when people talk to me but inside iam crumbling. so hopefully will see dp proffessor soon!!! I dont know what they will do, probabley strap me up and put me in a sell!!!

Thanks for reply though, hopefully we will all get through this crap. I just want to be me and part of the planet again, thats it, not asking for much!


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## Guest (Jul 23, 2008)

Did you have any medical tests done?


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

i also have no emotions in fact ive always thought that when my dad dies i wont really care actually i deep down i want him to die. i know that sounds horrible but the only emotion i have can feel is anger.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

junfan,

You have sent in many posts and seem to be in great distress.
In the state you are in, thinking straight or feel anything (except anguish about your own situation) is going to be significantly impaired. You must talk yourself down. 
You are in a world of s--t right now there is no doubt. Remember, this is a temporary state that you are in and you will most likely be back to your normal state in a few months.

About caring.

If you did not _actually_ care then you would not care that you do not _feel _as though you care.
Do you follow? You _do_ care, or you would not care and you would basically be a zombie.
You care that you are depersonalized. That?s caring. 
What you are missing is the familiar feeling that goes along with caring. The caring is not gone. Just the feeling.
You must settle down or get some medication - I take clonazepam - to stop your mind from spinning out of control.

Go out and do all that you can to help your mother. It will do both of you much good.

I am depersonalized as bad as you describe. However, a couple of days ago I thought about what it would be like if my 2 children had been killed in a car crash or something.
They are fine, but, just the thought made me cry. I care. I really care and I am depersonalized just like you only I am past the freak-out stage. You need time, and help, to get past it too.
I have no sense of time what so ever. I feel as though I was born one second ago. I just dont freak out about it anymore. 
It's not all heroics it?s just takes time - how ironic.
Your DP specialist is not going to be a wizard. You must make the first steps. Helping your mother is a good starting point.
Good luck. I wish you the best.
Existentialism is interesting in theory but it sucks when you are living it.
Mark


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