# Afraid to live again..



## Emmanuella (Dec 19, 2007)

That's how I feel today , it's not always like that but today the future makes me feel uncomfortable.


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

I'm scared too. 
Having DP/DR is like coma. After you've awakened and are ready to start living your life everything around you has changed. But I think it's more like.. that you don't really recognize yourself after the DP/DR is lost.
I'm not _"cured"_ though. I don't know how it feels to be _"normal"_. I don't know how it is, or how life feels without DP/DR. Because it was such a long time ago..

What I mean is.. I'm sometimes scared to be cured. I'm afraid of how it will be when I'm cured. If I ever will be cured, will say.

Is it like that, how you feel?

*hugs*


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## Guest (Feb 27, 2008)

Me too!!!! Everytime I think about the furture I can't see it or for some reason I expect it to be scary. Do you have DR or DP?


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

sweetypie said:


> Me too!!!! Everytime I think about the furture I can't see it or for some reason I expect it to be scary. Do you have DR or DP?


Don't know if you were asking me but I'll answer anyway  
I don't really know whether I have DP or DR, actually, I can't be 100% sure that I have either DP or DR since no doctor or anything like that has stated it - yet. (I'm actually currently waiting for a diagnosis)
But I believe I have DP. Sometimes DR. Or both. I don't know..

How about you?


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## ken (Feb 22, 2006)

I'm afraid to live as well - mainly because I feel like an impostor. I'm in a near constant state of black or white anxiety. Every time I fail at something, I go straight into depression. Every time I have a good experience, it makes me feel guilty. If you have no point of reference then life just becomes a series of stops and starts. Nothing makes sense because you can't feel it; even though you might see that logically it makes sense.

The "me" that is living my life has no idea what he is doing. He is trying to be happy in spite of it all. There are people in his life that he loves and that are special to him. He does what he can to support them and make them happy but he knows that it's him that needs help the most. There is no security for him. Everything around him is alien or wrong. He knows how things work and is familiar with them but he can't feel them. On Friday, he may have made the biggest mistake of entire life - all he can do is wait and see what happens.

I watch other people living their lives and it tears me up. I have to work so hard just to function every day and no one can see or understand it. And yet, any accomplishment is essentially pointless. Whatever I do, I don't feel like I've grown or gained anything. Like those things at fairs that you hit with a hammer to test your strength - Ding! And back down it goes. Anyone would give up in such a situation - why would you continue to do something if it does nothing for you? They say that every experience is beneficial but I have to disagree. I want to prove myself wrong but it's hard to take when you find that each experience just affirms what you feared.

Where does motivation come from? Or determination? It's about possibilities and self-belief. Emotion. Negativity plagues my life and it's got the better of me so many times. I read and re-read books that bring me out of that negativity enough to carry on. I spend time with the people that make me happy. I get some exercise and go to the gym to break me out of myself. I relax with a cup of tea or a beer. But nothing clicks. Nothing changes. The depression-guilt cycle takes hold again.

I want to feel. I want a life that is linear.


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## Springbok (Mar 2, 2008)

I know the feeling. On a bad day the future seems pointless. Why bother when all I have to look forward to is emptiness, trapped in this state of mind. I look at people doing normal things and feel intensely jealous that they can feel the world around them. And then people tell me I seem perfectly normal to them. I try to tell them it's feels like an act, I'm responding because that's how I've been taught all my life to respond. To think I have to spend my future doing this is just too much.

But on a not-so-bad day I can catch a glimmer of my future. In it i'm looking forward to living a real life. I have this reoccurring idea to go for a holiday in the beautiful Lake District of the UK, to calm my mind and see nature. On the good days I almost feel like I can do it, but on the bad days it feels worthless.


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

ken said:


> I'm afraid to live as well - mainly because I feel like an impostor. I'm in a near constant state of black or white anxiety. Every time I fail at something, I go straight into depression. Every time I have a good experience, it makes me feel guilty. If you have no point of reference then life just becomes a series of stops and starts. Nothing makes sense because you can't feel it; even though you might see that logically it makes sense.
> 
> The "me" that is living my life has no idea what he is doing. He is trying to be happy in spite of it all. There are people in his life that he loves and that are special to him. He does what he can to support them and make them happy but he knows that it's him that needs help the most. There is no security for him. Everything around him is alien or wrong. He knows how things work and is familiar with them but he can't feel them. On Friday, he may have made the biggest mistake of entire life - all he can do is wait and see what happens.
> 
> ...


I feel the same as you, which is the only thing I feel. I often describe myself as a walking zombie. Of course, no one will ever know just by looking or talking to me. They will not know how I feel until I tell them, to their astonishment, how I feel. Never could they ever imagine. I just live, but I'm not depressed. I take medication for that. But it feels like I'm empty. Like I have no feelings. Of course, I laugh, I cry, I hate and love. Because something inside of me is still fighting. Still, sometimes I don't wanna live. So I've been taken in at a psychiatric ward. I've been there a few days, and I'm really happy. And very hopeful, I'm going to be helped. My DP/DR and everything bad will all go away. But I'm still afraid. How will life be when I can go back to normal? I haven't been "normal" since 5 years back. Of course, I cannot know how it will be, now. 
But still, these problems I have. But every time I succeed with something, I don't feel guilty. *What is it that you feel guilty for? *You don't have to answer a dummy like me, an intruder, just do as you like. Instead of feeling guilty I feel that, since something has gone well now, anytime soon _something _will go wrong. So I'm aware all the time after good things has happened so I can avoid the bad things. *Do you feel that too?*

I can't feel either, just.. emptiness. Most of the time I feel that I don't have a future. Even though, I have very satisfactory opportunities of a good future. I can be happy. I want to be happy, but I'm afraid. I don't know, I can't remember how it is to live without DP/DR. I believe that DP/DR does no good on me, it just makes me sad and lonely. And depressed. I think that DP/DR is a safety behaviour. 
You sure are depressed , it makes me sad reading your post. If my family wouldn't have been there for me, I would have taken suicide a long time ago. So yeah, I live for my family. I could die for them. They have saved me alot of times, and the day they die.. I die. *Do you feel like that too? That you're only living because of the persons that love you?*


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## ken (Feb 22, 2006)

I feel guilty because I can't use it to my advantage. It just feels like a waste - humans are supposed to learn and grow. I forget what I've learned or can't make emotional connections between things.

My family are there for me and I have often felt like I'm living for them but that's no way to live. I want to live a life that feels like my life that's all. I can't trust or believe in anything.


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## markg990 (Apr 19, 2008)

i constantly fear the future as well
and what someone said a few posts ago...
me too, i am scared that i completely forget what it is to feel normal, even though it was only like 3 and a half monthes ago,
i seem to have lost all memory from when i felt normal, and i cant emotionally connect to my thoughts, leaving me to be nothing but
intellectual, rather than both intellectual and emotional, and these straight intellectual thoughts are what cause our suffering
it causes us to think too much... its like with senses, you loose your sight and your hearing and smell become much stronger.
we lost our emotional identity so we are left with a super strong intellectual nature.
this does things to cause us to fear the future, to constantly wonder if we are saying dumb things in front of people, or bothering them.
at least with me, i end up thinking about and anylizing everything wayy too much.

but yeah i feel like i won't feel better again cause i've already lost all recollection of what it is to be "normal"


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## markg990 (Apr 19, 2008)

is it strange that i got dr/dp and im only 15?


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## markg990 (Apr 19, 2008)

amphibians said:


> I think that DP/DR is a safety behaviour.


i guess what dp is, is sort of a defenese mechanism for our body when we are trying to cope with too much stress.
it shuts us down and makes us numb to get through something...
the problem is it doesnt go away

for any of you that are completely sure of what caused your dp/dr like a break-up or something, and you are still suffering,
think about it, did you ever really get over what caused it, or no?

mine was caused by a really rough break-up and i can tell you i am still sorta in a really unnoticable-sort of way not over it...


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## Strange_Visitor (Apr 18, 2008)

markg990 said:


> is it strange that i got dr/dp and im only 15?


I certainly don't think so. Your teens can be a very stressful time, emotionally.

I started with DR at 12 and it's still ongoing 30 years later.

I've got used to it though, and I'm not sure I'd find it easy to cope if it went away after so long.

Your are lucky that this is the internet age, I had no-one to share this with in the late 1970's when it started for me. At least you can get support from sites like this.

I sincerely hope you recover from this condition.


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

markg990 said:


> is it strange that i got dr/dp and im only 15?


No, it certainly is not. DP/DR often appears when you're a teen. (and in the most cases, goes away by itself, in the year of 30.)


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

markg990 said:


> i guess what dp is, is sort of a defenese mechanism for our body when we are trying to cope with too much stress.
> it shuts us down and makes us numb to get through something...
> the problem is it doesnt go away


Yeah, that was what I meant. DP/DR is a defense mechanism/safety behaviour. 
It doesn't go away, and as you said.. it's important that you think.. what happened? Why did I get DP/DR?
Well, I know that I got DP/DR because of my social phobia. In almost 6 years now, I've been having social phobia. I barely go outside. I try sometimes, but right now I'm waiting for my terapist to help me. She's really busy, which is bad because I have to wait and wait and wait.. It tears me apart. But since I'm only 17, I have to wait for my turn. Oh well, I'm guessing that I will get transferred to the adult clinic because I'm almost 18 years old. On the adult clinic, it's way better than where I am right now.
So, I need CT. Cognitive therapy. Why? Because it will take away my social phobia. And that will result in = no DP/DR!  (at least i hope so haha)


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## Guest (Apr 25, 2008)

I Highly recommend Cognitive therapy.


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> I Highly recommend Cognitive therapy.


Me too ;P


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## Guest (Apr 25, 2008)

Me more =P


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

..and me even more.


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## Guest (Apr 25, 2008)

Me totally more more MORREEEEEEEE! :mrgreen:


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

...
I give up.


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## Guest (Apr 26, 2008)

I WIN! YAY! *Rides on amphibians's back*... FASTER FASTER :mrgreen:


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## amphibians (Feb 10, 2008)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> I WIN! YAY! *Rides on amphibians's back*... FASTER FASTER :mrgreen:


-_-''


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## Guest (Apr 26, 2008)

:mrgreen:


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