# I feel like a fking husk



## Gfeathers (Nov 17, 2013)

Hi people.

I had repeated all consuming trauma period years ago which was overwhelming for me and i disconected. I already had some eating dissorder symptoms/behaviour before this and after overwhelming lostness and panic, which started like someone had ripped my identity off me and thrown a bomb in my head. After years of chaoticness, suiside attempts and hospital addmissions early on and a few years spent with someone on heavy sedating illegal drugs, which is not how i wished to live, but saw no alternative at the time. Anyway, many years since i've spent with massive anxiety/panic, confusion/loss of identity.self/unable to find myself, and this has been coped with by withdrawing even more into myself into basically anorexia, where what i was trying to control formostly was time, because i felt unable to do anything employment/anything wise, couldn't concentrate, my mind would spin trying to speak to people/listen, etc.

I actually located some medication that was/is? actually helping me for what feels the 1st time ever. However, the way i've 'lived', i feel i've pretty much erased myself from existence and am lost as a person. I feel so knackered from it all (was very dp and stressed last week alot), that, du know what, i don't know. I'm just tired and i dont know. I haven't developed as a person because of all this and spent a tremendous amont of time alone as my head was fkd. The effort it feels to try try try all the fing time to recover seems very waring at times. I'm not sure how much i care at times, i know that. But have a sister that i don't suppose would be too thrilled if i wasn't here (not that i really have been here for about 24 years). This all started for me as a young teenager 15/16, before i had a chance to develop as a person, obtain a career. I'm feeling, if anything atal a bit sorry for myself basically, right this minute.

Maybe i shouldn't end on a bum note. I know i will feel beter than i do right this second. I'd really like to get out of 'groundhog day', but have got some controlling issues that interfere as well. I thought before once, that it would be easier to say what wasn't a problem, but actually it wouldn't, i thinbk id find that really hard! lol.

Take care all, appologies for misery.


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