# I am so lost



## Soul_seeker (Jan 3, 2011)

Hey everyone, I just wanna start by saying how relieving it is to find a forum filled with people who can relate to this. I was given a book on multiple personality disorder when I was 19, and for the first time I had an idea about dissociative disorders. It all started making sense when I started reading stories about DPD. Looking at my self through photos and in the mirror, and seeing somebody else has bothered me for the longest time, it's like there's someone looking back at me but it's not me. I hate feeling like a slave to this body, everything I used to be in the past has disappeared. This is killing me, always having to pretend im feeling emotions, hoping that someday I will feel them naturally.

I know how I should feel in certain situations, but I don't know how it actually feels. I only know what it looks like from observing others reactions. I have to pretend I feel love in front of family all the time because "life" is so real for them. I'm so consumed trying to make this life seem real, that I can hardly get a sentence out that makes any sense. I lost every friend I ever had, I just can't connect with anyone. When someone talks to me I can't make sense of anything they are saying, this adds to my anxiety and I just bottle up even more until I just go mute. I am loosing any hope I had in snapping back into "reality" I just keep drifting further away. Just going for a walk is a mental hassle, I look in the distance and it just seems like its all fake and synthetic. I don't know what the hell is happening to me but I don't have a clue of how to fix it! I'm only 21, I don't want to feel like this forever. well I gotta stop rambling on this is killing my brain. sorry if this was annoying


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

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## Onibla (Nov 9, 2010)

First post in a few weeks. You don't 'snap' back to reality, it's a long process of each day becoming just that little bit more bearable than the last. A huge amount of DP/DR is in thinking about it (even if it doesn't feel like it), the trick to speeding recovery is to attempt to change your thought patterns, eliminate negative thinking and think about the world the way you used to. It can take months to change your thought patterns so you really need to stick at it.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hello and welcome. I can relate to your experiences, I am 22 and first started experiencing this when I was 19. You are not alone.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

A lot of what you describe became a lot less severe for me once I stopped faking everything and stopped bottling things up inside.

It took me about 8 months to even get to a point where I knew I was doing the wrong thing in trying to fake myself through every day. A lot of self-help books on DP and also CBT tells you to pretend until you've got it down, which angers me like hell. Emotional release (look it up) is the way to go.

Take this opportunity to be honest with yourself about what you feel; when you feel like being alone, be alone without guilt, when you feel like crying, cry for Gods sake, and when you are angry, feel the rage even if you can't put into words what it is that's bothering you. Feel sorry for yourself and comfort yourself. This is hell, you have every right to feel pissed, disappointed, sad, numb, scared etc. You also have the right to say no, and to go to bed. One day you'll get up again and feel a lot better. Go for walks and ask yourself what you don't like about your life apart from DP. Then try doing something about it, you'll be surprised at what you are capable of.

Words like anxiety and depression is clinical nonsense the doctors use, you are a human and you are entitled to feel all sorts of things without being labeled as anything. DP means you have shoved your emotional reactions down so deep for so long, you are about to burst with frustration. 
You are in shock, you NEED to get it out, even if you start very carefully by talking to a friend.

I hope you believe me when I tell you I felt so bad there is no words to describe it, and being true to my self and listening to MY needs, helped tons.


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## feministcat (May 4, 2010)

york said:


> A lot of what you describe became a lot less severe for me once I stopped faking everything and stopped bottling things up inside.
> 
> It took me about 8 months to even get to a point where I knew I was doing the wrong thing in trying to fake myself through every day. A lot of self-help books on DP and also CBT tells you to pretend until you've got it down, which angers me like hell. Emotional release (look it up) is the way to go.
> 
> ...


This is an excellent post! Very good advice! Thank you.


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## Sweetsugar70 (Jan 8, 2011)

You don't 'snap' back to reality, it's a long process of each day becoming just that little bit more bearable than the last...
__________________
how to hypnotize people


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## heartdream (Feb 6, 2011)

york said:


> A lot of what you describe became a lot less severe for me once I stopped faking everything and stopped bottling things up inside.
> 
> It took me about 8 months to even get to a point where I knew I was doing the wrong thing in trying to fake myself through every day. A lot of self-help books on DP and also CBT tells you to pretend until you've got it down, which angers me like hell. Emotional release (look it up) is the way to go.
> 
> ...


Very helpful advice! Bottling up emotions, sucking it up, or grinning and bearing it as society expects us to do is the anti-thesis of being true to yourself. I think the cure to DP is a crusade of listening to your inner voice and being as true to yourself as possible. This always needs to be priority number one.


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## Tanya (Feb 9, 2011)

Soul_seeker said:


> Hey everyone, I just wanna start by saying how relieving it is to find a forum filled with people who can relate to this. I was given a book on multiple personality disorder when I was 19, and for the first time I had an idea about dissociative disorders. It all started making sense when I started reading stories about DPD. Looking at my self through photos and in the mirror, and seeing somebody else has bothered me for the longest time, it's like there's someone looking back at me but it's not me. I hate feeling like a slave to this body, everything I used to be in the past has disappeared. This is killing me, always having to pretend im feeling emotions, hoping that someday I will feel them naturally.
> 
> I know how I should feel in certain situations, but I don't know how it actually feels. I only know what it looks like from observing others reactions. I have to pretend I feel love in front of family all the time because "life" is so real for them. I'm so consumed trying to make this life seem real, that I can hardly get a sentence out that makes any sense. I lost every friend I ever had, I just can't connect with anyone. When someone talks to me I can't make sense of anything they are saying, this adds to my anxiety and I just bottle up even more until I just go mute. I am loosing any hope I had in snapping back into "reality" I just keep drifting further away. Just going for a walk is a mental hassle, I look in the distance and it just seems like its all fake and synthetic. I don't know what the hell is happening to me but I don't have a clue of how to fix it! I'm only 21, I don't want to feel like this forever. well I gotta stop rambling on this is killing my brain. sorry if this was annoying


Hey, I've just joined this website too, and i find it really helpful...
I've had DP for nearly eight years now and im only 19.... but time and time again I've been told to never give up and the day WILL come.....
but it's understandable that sometimes you just give up hope... u just want to break free out of this shell and roar at the sky, but you're trapped.
it is horrible, but u just have to keep believing that u will get out of this, and nothing lasts forever, even your troubles.
On the upside, imagine what your life will be like when you're back to normality and in-touch with reality.?.?.?.
well? Life will be amazing, imagine how grateful you'll be to have all of your senses intact?
You will be reborn again... and I know I'll feel such Joy and Happiness, I will live life to the full, and never stress about petty/minor worries again.
But, how do you get there? You have to keep going on with your life, and beat this thing. The rotten fact is that your not in control, but You Can Regain control....
I felt, when I had anorexia that I made the "villain" which controlled my life for so long, in first name terms with me, e.g. Anne-orexia... I thought this helped as I gave human qualities to the illness, to try and pull the reigns away from "her" control. 
So, try and find ways that make you feel your in control, and keep repeating that you're going to beat this thing, and continue on with the ordinary day-day things.... I know it's tough, but you'll get used to it and eventually overcome it!!! *fingers crossed*

hope this helped


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