# Regaining that familiar feeling



## Hosscat (Oct 23, 2012)

In just the last few days all of a sudden my home feels like home again, my family doesnt feel like strangers anymore. Im being cautiously optimistic, I know it might not last but I feel alot more 'normal', like my old self. I still have existential thoughts alot, but im trying to accept that I cant answer them. I know after over a year of thinking the same thing everyday its going to be hard to retrain my brain to not worry about those thoughts. But I feel like im finally starting a possible recovery


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## Legitlex_ (Feb 8, 2014)

That's awesome! Keep it up!


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## NEEDMOREBLAZE (Apr 8, 2013)

This is great to hear, glad you're headed to a much better place...don't be afraid to accept and trust your reality.


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## Hosscat (Oct 23, 2012)

Should the thoughts eventually fade away? Im trying to accept that this is my reality, but I still have doubt. Im hoping one day the doubt will go too. It feels like its easier to cope with though with feeling like im home again.


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## kelly326 (Dec 10, 2013)

The existential thoughts are keeping me from totally healing, I want them to go away so bad. They are my biggest problem. I hate that I see life in this different light now.


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## Jurgen (Aug 3, 2013)

I'm so happy for you. Yes, they do fade in time. I'm sure you know I suffered from the same problem. Hang in there. It does get better.


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## Hosscat (Oct 23, 2012)

Im mostly worried ill always have the doubt now, that unsure feeling. But I think if I stop thinking about it that wont matter so I keep that in mind.


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

The thoughts fade with the anxiety guys, if they weren't stupid and irrational you'd have freaked out about them long before you got DP'd. I had them to the point where I wanted to put a bullet in my head just because I couldn't answer them, yet now I can sit and discuss them productively over a cup of tea. Better times are ahead, trust me.


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## Hosscat (Oct 23, 2012)

Does the doubt they caused go away with it too?


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Hosscat said:


> Does the doubt they caused go away with it too?


Everything does, the better you feel the weaker the feelings become. I admit they are hard to ignore when at their peak though, I used to wake up sweating in the night looking around the room wondering where the fuck I was and what was going on, it is a really scary feeling but it is your mind playing tricks on you. As your anxiety eases you gradually tune back into life and the feelings die off. The more you go about normal life, the more your mind trusts reality and the more normal you feel.

You can't see the wood for the trees when it strikes but the more you relax the less you give a fuck about why we're here etc and you will look back on it and wonder what you were worried about. Remember back to before DP, I'm sure you asked these quite healthy questions about existence before and never felt even the slightest twinge of fear. This is what proved to me these feelings will subside with the DP, and they did. Existential thoughts seem vivid and relevant to you while you are in a dissociated state because nothing looks or feels real. It's a case of relaxing a bit more day by day until you feel better and the thoughts lose their power. Ignore them as best you can and try to enjoy life as much as you possibly can with as much distraction as possible. These thoughts are irrational and the result of a an incredibly anxious mind, if they were actually scary everyone in the world would be running round in a state of terror!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Hey Deinonychus this gives me hope. I did get over this before but i am back in it again the last two weeks . I have panic attacks all day and constant crying. A stressful time brought this on and i spiraled into this loop again. I am very scared at the moment but trying not to lose hope. As u can probably relate i feel like i have looked at life in a way that i cannot go back. I feel like im forced to live (whereas living before was just normal) it feels strange to be anywhere at all. I feel terrified about being human. Its not like i wanna know the answers to these things, i just want to stop being afraid it it. Life feels like some thing or test or something i dont understand and like something i dont know how to do. I keep thinking ''i wasnt here before i was born, but now i am so how am i meant to know what to do'' i can logically laugh at this because im 23 and very capable. But it freaks me out for some reason and makes me wanna hide in my bed. Is this normal for dissociation? like i feel like when people say they look at life differently they mean it looks flat and 2d and hazy. (ive had that too but thats not what scares me) what i mean is i look at it like what the hell is all this, what are hands and feet and why do we all have them , everything looks weird. The very fat that i can die scares the shit outta me. I keep thinking how did i get here? in these surroundings in this world? why is it me. why am i not a frog. It is horrible and sends me panicing. I want to know that things will feel normal again. But its like i need to pay attention to these thoughts because i have copd on to life and i dont wanna play along anymore. (even though i do ). Can you reassure me or tell me this will all feel normal again? I keep thinking what are the chances that i was born. what if i wasnt here. Then i panic.


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

To my knowledge these thoughts arise from that 'threatening sense of unfamiliarity' of the world and everything in it. If things look and feel weird it would be a normal reaction to question life like crazy. Add this to an already intensely anxious, irrational and claustrophobic mind and you create an increasingly terrifying cycle of 'why does nothing feel familiar? it feels unreal so what if it is? Oh no imagine if this was all a dream? Oh God just shoot me now!'.

The more you think these thoughts, the more anxious you get, the more anxious you get, the more unfamiliar things become. The thing is this is as bad as it gets, if you really believed you were in a dream you wouldn't be anxious, you are anxious because of the fear of 'what if'. This is all irrational and I appreciate it is extremely hard to break, but the more you relax the more reality will be 'revealed' to you again.

You feel that by thinking these thoughts you are somehow 'holding on' to sanity or reality, and if you stop thinking them you feel everything will somehow fall apart and you will disappear into some sort of abyss. The irony is, the opposite is true, in fact my DP was triggered by doing drugs, feeling horrible then thinking the very thought of 'Imagine if you got stuck like this'. This causes you to try to cling on to a reality that was never even slipping away in the first place! This 'clinging on' creates a sense of perceived danger which you believe you can't escape from so you your brain basically freaks and puts itself into a protective bubble, which causes the very thing you feared in the first place - loss of feelings of reality.

Needless to say the cycle that ensues is torment of the very first order, but please believe me, it won't progress to anything else, you are not mad, you will get to a point where you will no longer care about these thoughts but stop trying to make it happen by thinking a way out. Try to enjoy what you can, somehow create some positivity, go through the motions of life and let the outside world ease back in to your consciousness. You do not have to answer these nutty questions, nor would answering them change your state of mind, even if you answered them you would then start worrying about why Mars bars are rectangle instead of round!

Do not freak out if you don't cure this in one day, just aim for moments of relief then build on them. These thoughts DO go away when you relax more, and you will only relax more by getting out there and distracting yourself to coax your mind back into reality. The worst you have to fear is more scary thoughts and more DP, but you've already been through the worst that can offer so why waste more time? This thinking shit aint working for you so why not try a new approach?

Look at this in a cognitive way - the more you give these thoughts credence the longer the symptoms will persist, so make today the day when you forget them just a tiny bit by doing something else. Then notice how you felt a bit better in the moments you weren't thinking them. Build on this, every time you successfully engage in something else you will feel a bit better. Every time you feel a bit better your belief that you have some control over this will grow. This creates confidence and hope, which will snowball over time and empower you into recovery.

Another useful trick I used when I was out of my mind with irrational thoughts was thinking "What would the old me have thought of these ridiculous questions?". I quickly remembered times when I had these thoughts in a rational way, considered them interesting then smiled and thought about something else. This is PROOF that the thoughts are ONLY the product of your current state of mind, and that they will ease off once you start to break the cycle by distracting and thinking more positively. (Hard I know, but there you have it!) If these thoughts were genuine beliefs you would no longer fear them anyway! (Which is why being mad is most likely bliss compared with DP, at least then you would BELIEVE the mad shit and move on lol)

No more moping, start this today. I know it doesn't feel like what you wanna do but it is 100% the answer to your problem. Let go of this shit and get out there and do something. It might be hard at first but some relief could come within hours and you could recover in days. Also pay attention to sleep patterns and diet, these can cause added stress which can hinder you somewhat. Start right now, I promise you, you will look back in a few days and wonder why the hell you didn't do it sooner!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

The thing is. I have had these type of thougths when I had do before but these feel different. I feel really depressed like I don't wanna be here because I feel like its strange to be alive. I keep thinking if I wasnt here than I wouldn't feel all this and wouldn't know what life is. That sends me into a panic and.I dunno why. I feel like I just learned I am human and my mortality. But I didnt . It just felt normal before . Thank u for all ur advice and I will try it. But I see life in this weird way. I cant explain it. I know its real I just dunno how I am in it. Can u explain if that's still the dissociation talking. As I am dealing with pain at the moment thru therepy and maybe I am dissociating because of it.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

The thing is. I have had these type of thougths when I had do before but these feel different. I feel really depressed like I don't wanna be here because I feel like its strange to be alive. I keep thinking if I wasnt here than I wouldn't feel all this and wouldn't know what life is. That sends me into a panic and.I dunno why. I feel like I just learned I am human and my mortality. But I didnt . It just felt normal before . Thank u for all ur advice and I will try it. But I see life in this weird way. I cant explain it. I know its real I just dunno how I am in it. Can u explain if that's still the dissociation talking. As I am dealing with pain at the moment thru therepy and maybe I am dissociating because of it.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I also have the thought why does anything exist and why am I in it . What are the chances. It makes me panic


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

I had exactly the same thing,it is all part of it, it will pass! Everything will become clear soon enough. If you have things you are working on in therapy then they most likely did cause this to occur, the therapy should help a lot. In the meantime you must practice letting some of this go and not dwelling on the feelings too much as you are basically punishing yourself more. You will get through it, your symptoms are all classic DP.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks very much. Yes therepy plus a few stressors triggered this episode. I keep crying and crying. I keep thinking its because I'm alive and lives weird etc but I'm being told thats just a defense mechanism. That I'm crying from my actual suppressed feelings. I keep thinking life is some weird thing I have to to and I wanna jump outta the picture or that I have t learn how to do it or something. Or thinking I'm just not able for it cos I'm scared of dying. But life used to feel normal. Its such a strange feeling. I keep thinking how weird it s that ur parents have u and then ur here. Or that omg I'm concious. Why me. Why was it me that was born. How. I know logically. And i know I'm here It just feels wrong. Ur words comfort me. I look foward to ur response as it seems u have it sussed.


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Everything will seem weird to you when your mind is clouded like this, don't worry about it, pay the thoughts as little attention as possible or they will just slow you down. Nothing will happen, humour the thoughts and just have a day where you feel the thoughts and do stuff anyway, tell them to do their worst, let life feel weird but have fun anyway! Go to a party or a gathering with the goal of not letting DP ruin the day, I bet by the end of it you have moments where you forget about it. Once you have proved your ability to feel better you are well on your way.

You sound like you are in a raw stage of pain at the moment, but your mind heals just like your body does. Severe flesh wounds or broken bones are no different, they seem like they're gonna stay that way forever but in a few months they are pretty much invisible. Psychological pain just feels worse because we live our lives through our brain, it processes our perception of the world so everything is bound to feel topsy-turvy while it's going though turmoil. When you injure your leg it is just your leg, when you injure your emotions you injure your entire world until the mind heals. The problem is, the sensations that are produced by damaged emotions can cause us to freak out which is effectively 'picking the scab' and prolonging the pain. This is why you must learn to ignore these thoughts! Distract, eat well, try to have fun, refuse to let them get you down. They were never meant to scare you but your brain is not made of iron, it is gonna act weird temporarily when under extreme pressure.

I get terrifying hallucinations when I have a temperature, they scare the hell out of me but leave no lasting damage. Same goes for DP, and the fact you are scared of the thoughts proves they are not real so learn to ignore them and you will be shocked how quickly you get out of this condition. Keep up with the therapy, deal with the pain as best you can but let yourself rest and recover and stop adding to the trauma your poor brain is already going through!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you very much. Can I ask what you did when it came to anxiety n stuff. Like I wake up to a panic attack every morning. And I feel like crying every waking moment. What should I do to help this pass. I feel in pain and want to cry alot. But thr fear of the sadness makes me panic. The thoughts are more of a feeling of discomfort if that makes sense. From days of panic and crying I now feel out of it and like gone. Been a long time since I felt this way. And its very scarey. Its like nothing is anything. Dunno what or who i am and just feel like flesh.


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Do you meditate? Sounds as if you are incredibly worked up, you need to practice some sort of relaxation to begin to break this cycle. You most likely feel number than ever now because you haven't allowed your mind to have any form of a rest. The more you stress and obsess over this, the number you will feel because your defence mechanism will tighten its grip.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I try but then I break down. I feel normal then have the thoughts like life is weird why am I in it . I think that its not dissociation and that its just me. And that distresses me more. I feel like what are the chances I was born. And that sends me into a tailspin


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

It's not just you, most people who have had this condition experience similar things. You need to learn to realise these thoughts are irrational and practice ignoring them. I had similar thoughts before, during and after DP, and the only time they bothered me in the slightest was when my mind was in DP mode. You are beating yourself up unnecessarily, you need to believe that you are not stuck like this forever.

You are probably thinking (as I was for a time) that once you've thought these thoughts they are now a part of you forever but you are completely wrong. If you just give your brain a few days to rest you will start to see the thoughts for what they are - just thoughts. The problem is you are worried that DP is reality and playing right into its hands. Every time you stress over these thoughts you pour salt in the wound. I know you can't see the wood for the trees at times with this thing but you have to TRUST that the more you block these thoughts, the clearer life becomes and the easier it all gets.

It is not an instant fix, but as soon as you get into this mindset some relief can come pretty much instantly and make it all more bearable, providing some clarity and more strength to deal with the thoughts even more effectively. Don't surrender to this thing and suffer needlessly, you are stronger than you believe you are right now! We are all perfectly equipped to deal with DP, we just need to do the right thing. Start trying to think more positively and master the art of blocking these pointless thoughts, they soon lose their power and fade into nothing!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks for that . U have some great advice. I only have this again two weeks before that was a year and half ago. Its a trap I fall into when my nervous system is exhausted. The thing is. Even as u say this I still think no maybe he doesnt know what I mean and therfore thinks I will be okay when I know I won't kinda thing. Even when I haven't felt depersonalized but just highly stressed last week and very emotional I was obsessing about why I am here and me and what are the chances etc. So then I think omg ive seen behind the curtain and I wanna jump outta the picture. Its so hard to explain . Is this still all dissociation. I will try letting the thoughts go but I cannot imagine feeling normal again. And I just feel constantly like I wanna cry. Which could be the suppressed emotions bringing on the thoughts? You say the thoughts are not real but they seem logical like. As in if ur born and dunno why ur here that u would panic. That's the part that gets me its not delusional. Pointless maybe but nothing that doesn't make sense . Just doesnt have an answer. Makes me feel trapped existing .


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## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

You don't need to answer the thoughts, you will eventually learn to not care about them, the anxiety is taking on the form of these thoughts, the thoughts themselves would not cause the anxiety! I guess you have underlying issues too which need to be worked on, sounds as if you suffer with 'Pure O' OCD aswell?


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks for that . U have some great advice. I only have this again two weeks before that was a year and half ago. Its a trap I fall into when my nervous system is exhausted. The thing is. Even as u say this I still think no maybe he doesnt know what I mean and therfore thinks I will be okay when I know I won't kinda thing. Even when I haven't felt depersonalized but just highly stressed last week and very emotional I was obsessing about why I am here and me and what are the chances etc. So then I think omg ive seen behind the curtain and I wanna jump outta the picture. Its so hard to explain . Is this still all dissociation. I will try letting the thoughts go but I cannot imagine feeling normal again. And I just feel constantly like I wanna cry. Which could be the suppressed emotions bringing on the thoughts? You say the thoughts are not real but they seem logical like. As in if ur born and dunno why ur here that u would panic. That's the part that gets me its not delusional. Pointless maybe but nothing that doesn't make sense . Just doesnt have an answer. Makes me feel trapped existing .


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## Manof_theFuture (Dec 14, 2013)

deinonychus said:


> Everything does, the better you feel the weaker the feelings become. I admit they are hard to ignore when at their peak though, I used to wake up sweating in the night looking around the room wondering where the fuck I was and what was going on, it is a really scary feeling but it is your mind playing tricks on you. As your anxiety eases you gradually tune back into life and the feelings die off. The more you go about normal life, the more your mind trusts reality and the more normal you feel.
> 
> You can't see the wood for the trees when it strikes but the more you relax the less you give a fuck about why we're here etc and you will look back on it and wonder what you were worried about. Remember back to before DP, I'm sure you asked these quite healthy questions about existence before and never felt even the slightest twinge of fear. This is what proved to me these feelings will subside with the DP, and they did. Existential thoughts seem vivid and relevant to you while you are in a dissociated state because nothing looks or feels real. It's a case of relaxing a bit more day by day until you feel better and the thoughts lose their power. Ignore them as best you can and try to enjoy life as much as you possibly can with as much distraction as possible. These thoughts are irrational and the result of a an incredibly anxious mind, if they were actually scary everyone in the world would be running round in a state of terror!


THIS IS THE STUFF THAT MAKES ME COME ON HERE!!!!!!!!!!! lol good post good post indeed


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I agree a great post. Its just I know everythings real but I think its weird that I am here. Like what are the chances. Maybe I don't fully feel here but i just don't notice. I just think its crazy that I am here. And I feel scared because I cant leave. I want to go back to it feeling normal to be here. When I think I'm alive in the world I freak out cos I'm like how weird is . What are the chances. I wanna go back to not caring. I can't find my sense of self at the moment because of all the emotions and anxiety. I'm not numb cos I still feel sad and anxious. Yes i am obsessive. But only when I'm stressed or things are bothering me. But this is the worst. I keep thinking omg this is life and I am here. Whereas before it was all I knew and it felt normal.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I agree a great post. Its just I know everythings real but I think its weird that I am here. Like what are the chances. Maybe I don't fully feel here but i just don't notice. I just think its crazy that I am here. And I feel scared because I cant leave. I want to go back to it feeling normal to be here. When I think I'm alive in the world I freak out cos I'm like how weird is . What are the chances. I wanna go back to not caring. I can't find my sense of self at the moment because of all the emotions and anxiety. I'm not numb cos I still feel sad and anxious. Yes i am obsessive. But only when I'm stressed or things are bothering me. But this is the worst. I keep thinking omg this is life and I am here. Whereas before it was all I knew and it felt normal.


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## flowergirlkat (Mar 7, 2014)

katiej said:


> So then I think omg ive seen behind the curtain and I wanna jump outta the picture.


This is exactly how I feel! I don't think I'll get better until I can accept that I haven't learnt something new, this is just the illness, but its hard.

Great thread, keep the positives coming!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

U can relate? I guess i just don't wanna be here at the moment because of how sad I feel so this could be a defense mechanism. Its so hard tho. I feel like I shouldn't be here like I don't understand it. Everything seems weird


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## Hosscat (Oct 23, 2012)

Good news, I got called in for a job. Hopefully staying busy will help take my mind off of my existential fears. Its weird, its like I both know they are wrong, and yet they still feel like they could be true at times. But im exposing myself to it by not trying to prove the thought wrong, just saying maybe its true maybe it isnt.


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