# Anomie



## Rozanne

I've come to the conclusion there is no answer (to my life). I can stop searching...

Does anyone disagree with me? I'd love to know what I should be doing, what i should believe in, who I should be, what job I should do, what clothes I should wear, what food I should eat, what I should say when I speak, who I should speak to.

What is the answer?

I can't find it. Conformity is a form of respect, or control, of being sensible. Otherwise I see no more in in it. I would be interested to know if there is an authority. I want to know...it would be a way of escaping my crisis. But I haven't found an authority...I can't find it in myself or anyone else.


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## Guest

I some what understand where you?re coming from? I feel I am in the same boat? although maybe in a different sea/reality to yours. Don?t stand still in the middle of the cross roads? life is to be lead either by yourself or by some one else controlling you? take one of the roads and see where you end up. Either that or stand still at the dusty hot cross roads.

You?re confused due to having choice? ?spoilt for choice?. I often find myself acting like a child? It?s as if I?m testing the basic things in life like a baby does. What it comes down to ? is that we?re ?free? of choice? we can either make one or not? it?s as if we?ve gone too far with understanding ourselves? so far we?re to find ourselves totally confused by the image in the mirror.

The answer? Keep breathing? upwards and onwards? towards your goals? the ones you make yourself? unless you?d prefer me to make you a goal? how about I make a new one for you each week?

Might be that the army is for you? being a medic.


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## Rozanne

I have a problem with trying to find myself in the mirror. At the moment, I can't see one face, but two halves. The upper half and the lower half. For some reason i can't integrate the face and it disturbs me to a strong extent. I admit to spending up to 4 hours in front of the mirror trying to find myself...at my worst. Today I have spent quite a bit of time in front of the mirror but not as bad as yesterday. People would think it was a form of narcisissm, but I can assure you it is not enjoyable in the slightest...but a search for truth. Because I can't find myself, I look again and again...it is so weird. I admit to losing insight into this condition. It started up about 2 months ago and I haven't been able to stop. My jaw line changed slightly and i can't actually integrate the changes in my appearance as being myself....it is literally a case of not recognising me as me. I wish it wasn't this way.

One thing I know is that I couldn't go in the army because I couldn't wear makeup!


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## Cam

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 6:01 pm Post subject:
> 
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> I some what understand where you?re coming from? I feel I am in the same boat? although maybe in a different sea/reality to yours. Don?t stand still in the middle of the cross roads? life is to be lead either by yourself or by some one else controlling you? take one of the roads and see where you end up. Either that or stand still at the dusty hot cross roads.
> 
> You?re confused due to having choice? ?spoilt for choice?. I often find myself acting like a child? It?s as if I?m testing the basic things in life like a baby does. What it comes down to ? is that we?re ?free? of choice? we can either make one or not? it?s as if we?ve gone too far with understanding ourselves? so far we?re to find ourselves totally confused by the image in the mirror.
> 
> The answer? Keep breathing? upwards and onwards? towards your goals? the ones you make yourself
> Might be that the army is for you? being a medic.


Great post Em.
Wise words
BB


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## Guest

A mirror is an invention? it?s not natural. If you wish to see yourself? go to where there?s steady clear water and people enjoying their selves? go to a park on a sunny day? the park is to have fish in the water so others assume you?re watching the fish? and while you look at yourself? feed the fish. You?re not meant to connect with yourself from a reflection? you?re meant to connect from ?within?. When I look into a mirror and focus on my image? my eyes and mouth increase in contrast so they seem disconnected from the rest of my face. You search for the truth from viewing your skin and bones? "organs"?

Humans change all the time? we "adapt" ourselves?


> adapt = (BECOME FAMILIAR)
> to become familiar with a new situation)


 it?s becoming familiar with yourself which you have a hard time with? if you change too often? you lose yourself? take it slow? and come to know ?you?.

You couldn?t wear your mask in the army? I?m sure the soldiers would forgive, if you were to save their lifes.

*Black Box*: Thank you.


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## Guest

double post


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## Cam

That is SO true Em, I hope a lot of other people read this thread.

BB


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## Guest

Don't know what's with me... i'm actually being/trying to be "helpful" for once... heh.


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## Rozanne

Violence isn't the answer. I am sure of that. But I need a man, objective thinking in my life, though, yes.


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## Guest

Sense of direction... I'm in the same boat. Although i'm starting to walk on a path.


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## CECIL

It sounds as though you are still trying to define yourself. As though you need something to grasp onto and say "This is me". You'll never find anything like that, because your self cannot be defined.

So stop _looking_ and start _finding_. From what you've been posting recently it sounds as though you've already experienced your self and your connection to the universe. So honour that.


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## Rozanne

The thought of finding is scary because then I wouldn't have anything to look for.


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## CECIL

Yeah its scary, because then you can actually start living your life instead of trying to find the reason you can't


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## Rozanne

I feel I'd be doing something wrong if I "just lived". I don't really like it when people are like that because it values the self over the world. The irony is that people who do put themselves first usually acheive much more and also contribute to other's live more as well. But I can't think of anything worse than living only for myself. I've tried and it took me away from myself. The self which I was used to, which came into the world to be used.


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## Guest

You ?feel? as if it would be wrong, yet you?re unaware ?why? it would be wrong? Is it right to avoid due to how you ?feel? rather then using one?s logical or the social rightness? (Is it right to use your gut feeling rather then what is to be expected of you?) You?ve already answered your own question; In order to give to the world you must first of all put yourself first? you are the most important person to yourself. In order to contribute to others? you need to contribute to yourself first by ?looking after yourself?.

I don?t know what the deal is with you at the moment (Have you moved outta Sheffield? < Don?t need/have to answer)? although I believe if you were to volunteer? it would help you. You help others yet you can take a day off when you need to rest? it?s excellent.


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## Pablo

Have you tried meditation Rozanne? something like vispanna . I ask because it seems like you are trying to find out who you are through self analysis with your mind, whereas what meditation will do is show you what is beyond your thinking analytical mind and what actually happens is that only when your mind stops jumping around like a monkey will any truths be revealed and things become clear

I have had experiences of trying to work out who I am by looking in the mirror in the past, one of which scared the living hell out of me, but you cant find out who you are using a mirror because we are not integrated, we have many different "selves" and parts to our ego, so in a way we are all schitzophrenic to a certain extent. What we can do is try to get to know all the different individual parts of ourselves through therapy or something more esoteric like Alchemy and then try to integrate the parts which are at conflict with each other (this is what I am trying to do anyway)


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## CECIL

Firstly I agree with Darren - you've always gotta put yourself first. I don't mean this in the way many take it to mean (i.e. using other people to get ahead at their expense). What I mean is being responsible for and to yourself and only yourself. Doing what's right for you without hurting other people (yes its possible). When it comes down to it, you don't owe the world anything, nor does it owe you anything.

Living life just means connecting to the world and other people, but maintaining detachment in the sense that you don't let other people's problems affect you. Sure, you can help them through their problems if you want, its just they always stay THIER issues and not yours.

It sounds cliche but I really believe that everyone needs to find something they enjoy doing and just do it. Some people are happy to be brick layers, some accountants and some doctors. All of that is fine as long as they are being true to themselves.

I also agree with Pablo. Just a comment about mirrors - the world and other people are the best mirrors out there. Any interaction with someone or something else that triggers an emotional response in you is telling you something. Its a reflection of your own energy. The idea then becomes to be aware of those reflections and use them to heal yourself. Eventually you can get to a point where you have all of your own energy at your disposal and you stop letting it get tied up in other people's issues. That's what I call self actualised


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## Rozanne

I love you!


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## Rozanne

Pablo said:


> What we can do is try to get to know all the different individual parts of ourselves through therapy or something more esoteric like Alchemy and then try to integrate the parts which are at conflict with each other (this is what I am trying to do anyway)


There's a soul retrieval meditation on http://www.kundalini-teacher.com and a fourm there also, if you are into alchemy.


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## Guest

Alchemy fascinates me Pablo.


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## Pablo

Alchemy interests me a lot too at the moment, I like it because it seems to be aimed at delving into and solving psychological/ego stuggles rather than transcending them like most other esoteric paths like Buddhism etc, which I guess is why Jung was so interested in it. A Russian guy I am reading called Konstantin Serebrov has made it a lot clearer for me, although you need to know the work of Gurdjieff to understand a lot of what he says he does make alchemy a lot easier to understand:

_"Hermes Trismegistus stated that the transformation of the disciple's soul goes in the proper way only under the constant heightened temperature kept in the retort which is sealed by the seal of Hermes. By fire under the retort, we mean an extreme situation which is regularly created for every disciple by the heightened atmosphere of the School, and which induces the inner tensions of the disciples, or inner temperature, as alchemists say. The extreme conditions are indispensable for the full transformation. ... The extreme situations, which cause inner temperature might have to do with heavy physical work as well as with complicated psychological situations. Then all the numerous 'selves' of the disciple clash with each other because of their contradictory wishes."
_
You can see how psychotherapy evolved from concepts like these.

*thanks for the weblink Rozanne, I liked the shadow self bit although I couldnt find the forum you mentioned, do you have to register to see it?


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## Rozanne

Contact section...

Mystress Angelique Serpent (ridiculous name if you ask me but whatever I call myself an angel ariel so I can't talk) talks about inner fire. I have experienced it but am starting to think there's more to life than intuition. Disowing the ego only seems to make it bigger, so I'm going away from relying on esoteric stuff from now on.

I found a research page on the effects of meditation, and it showed that people who meditate the most are more likely to experience psychological problems and not less. I'm not suggesting this makes meditating bad in itself, but does make you wonder. I've personally decided to take the focus off religion because it was making me very insecure. Up until the point I wrote this thread and another, in utter existential crisis and desperation, and I don't want to live like that. I would rather have attachments, it is less disturbing I'm not joking.


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## Pablo

Angel_Ariel said:


> I've personally decided to take the focus off religion because it was making me very insecure. Up until the point I wrote this thread and another, in utter existential crisis and desperation, and I don't want to live like that. I would rather have attachments, it is less disturbing I'm not joking.


I know what you mean, I dont follow any paths any more which can increase my dissociation which say that your answers wont be found in day to day life and say you should look to transcend life or look to heaven, in that respect they can be harmful because they can be used to either deny your problems or make you feel superior. The last thing they should do is make you feel worse.


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## Rozanne

True. Anyway, for the record, that lady (mentioned above) has said that I may be banned from her board. I dunnno. She calls me an energy vampire> a stalker > childish > attention seeker > narcissistic. Who is to say she is wrong, but to be fair, her comments also cut close to the bone...and its not like you can answer back as she is all of the following:

shaman
witch
reiki master
empath
dominatrix
healer

Damn!


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## Rozanne

Here's something from her dominatrix site:

Who is this Magnificent Leather-Clad Goddess?
Circa 1994. 
My name is Mystress Angelique Serpent, and I am an Artist, a White Witch. and I am a Dominatrix.

I am a Natural Dominant, expert in role playing games, possessed of uncanny intuition and profound understanding of human nature. 
I am a trained Actor, and a spontaneous comedic improviser. 
I am unusually empathic, psychic to the point of being uncanny. 
I am a provocative Artist, and I love best to cause powerful responses in the people I interact with.

(I mean I kind of like her....not sexually of course but generally for her confidence This is something else typical of her self-description)

I AM a woman who knows I Am A Goddess, Temptation Incarnate. Yield to Temptation!

and she also writes:

I also know that I am extremely vain, almost to the point of narcissism, and having the worship and adoration of slaves at my feet is very satisfying

Here's a comment I found really funny...me? Narcissistic?!

It is an expression in the BDSM world, "The Mistress/Master is Always Right". 
Except in my case, it is more than an expression... With my slaves, it is more like an ironic running joke... coz I am right, an absurd percentage of the time... like almost always...


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## CECIL

Sounds like she is on a massive ego trip.

Not that I have anything against BDSM, but only as a game and only as long as the power is equal in a relationship.

But to each their own.

For the record the people I've met who claim to be able to see the future (to the extent it is possible anyway) are quite humble about it. "The more you see the less you can tell" is thier motto.


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## Rozanne

Most my life I think I've been an inverted narcissist, which they say is a type of narcissism where you gravitate towards narcissists (...). That explains my attraction to her in the first place....

It was really surreal yesterday - she sort of had a point, but to actually threaten to ban me.....I feel like something has been "digested" today deep inside. Something about her and her site....her sarcastic remarks..

I feel like I have "seen thru" her and her sight, but also "seen thru" myself a bit also, for being such an attentional whore the same as she is....

Site, not sight, but come to think of it "sight" is more appropriate.


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## Pablo

I finally found the board, I cant believe that mrs dominatrix wants to ban you there are hardly any members posting anyway!! She does sound like an intriguing character though, maybe I should become her slave although I would have to see a photo of her first because I imagine her as a young fit model but more than likely she is an old hag in real life :wink:

(please dont hurt me mistress I didnt mean it )


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## Guest

Please send all hate mail to:

Mystress Angelique Serpent.
P.O. box 74624- 2803 W. 4th Avenue. 
Kitsilano Postal Outlet. 
Vancouver, B.C. 
V6K 4P4

:mrgreen:


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## Rozanne

!! Does it turn you on? _Gawd._ I can't stop laughing my head off, it is so ridiculous to take spiritual advice from a fetishist! The lengths people go to to have power.


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## Guest

I'd only want power to avoid weakness... although it would be all false any way... so the power would just be fake... although some like myself live within a fake reality...


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## Pablo

Is that Anna (Daniella Nardini) from the programme "This Life" :shock:










She was always my favourite, I would defiantely become her slave


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## Guest

lol.


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## Rozanne

work in prog. getting more material from her site to take the micheal out of.


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## Pablo

I suppose you could get spiritual advice from a fetish dominatrix but only if she can be just as easily submissive as she can dominate otherwise she is only dealing with one side of the polarity. I imagine it would be much more fun than the usual spritual practice anyway..... although I cant imagine myself dressed up all in leather


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## Guest

*Woof*... *Puppy eyes*.... *begs*... lol


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## Guest

http://connerydominatrix.ytmnd.com/

---------------------------------------

http://dominatrix.ytmnd.com/

http://dominatrixhadoneweakness.ytmnd.com/


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## Rozanne

Look at this...:

"Angelique
Psychic healer, spiritual guide and kundalini shaman

Lady Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales.
July 1,1961 to August 31,1997
On Sept 4, 1997 I was called upon to send the spirit of Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, into the light. I have decided to share that story, exactly as I described it at the time in emails to several psychic friends to whom I wrote to asking for confirmation of this extraordinary event. They confirmed it.

A brief synopsis.
Wed. Sept 3, 1997: After speaking to an internet friend in England, and hearing of how the whole country was awash in grief over the sudden passing of Lady Diana, I was drawn to invoke Earth energy to heal England's grief. I often take a hot bath to do such large scale energy work. The water helps to ground the intense energies and keep my physical body from getting overcharged by the intense energy and poluted by the Karma I am transmuting. I drew the Earth energy up through Stonehenge and Avebury, and the ley lines. When I surrendered my work to Goddess, the effect went worldwide. 
At one point in the trance of invocation it seemed obvious to call on the Lady herself to help me out with it. There I was, sitting in my bathtub holding hands with the ghost of Lady Diana. (It didn't seem strange, at the time.. strange things happen in the unemotional state of psychic trance. It seemed odd only in hindsight.) When the ritual was over, I was left with a nagging sense of something left incomplete, but I could not think what it was. I trusted that Goddess would let me know, if there was more to be done. 
The next day I was speaking of the event to a friend, and he helped me realize why there was a sense of incompletion to the ritual.. I had forgotten to send Lady Diana into the light...so I did. The next day, Sept 5, the Queen publicly altered her attitude. 
I scratched my head about that event for a while.. wondering "Why me?" There are thousands of psychics around the world who are doubtless capable of handling a simple ghost rescue.. It seemed the reason was because I was not grieving."


...blah blah blah

"I had a relaxing hot bath, asked for support from various helpers, and started fountaining unconditional love out of Stonehenge, flowing it out over England.. heart Chakra green light .. then woke Avebury, then poured it up from the Earth out of vortexes and portals all over the planet, letting Gaia pick which ones to awaken." 

...blah

*"I guess the real sticking point that made it hard for me to believe, was that healers all over the world were focused on Diana, and me being the one to actually do the deed seems incredible. Oy." *


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## Guest

Angel_Ariel said:


> A brief synopsis.
> Wed. Sept 3, 1997: After spanking an internet friend in England,


Is something wrong with Darren?  why did I read it like that... was it down to "expectations?"


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## Guest

Meow meow meow!... pussy wants milk! :mrgreen:


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## Pablo

My new sexy mistress dominatrix said:


> The next day I was speaking of the event to a friend, and he helped me realize why there was a sense of incompletion to the ritual.. I had forgotten to send Lady Diana into the light...so I did. The next day, Sept 5, the Queen publicly altered her attitude.


And I thought the queen changing her attitude was down to Blair, thats another deception he has got away with :roll:



Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Angel_Ariel said:
> 
> 
> 
> A brief synopsis.
> Wed. Sept 3, 1997: After spanking an internet friend in England,
> 
> 
> 
> Is something wrong with Darren?  why did I read it like that... was it down to "expectations?"
Click to expand...

 :lol: I think seeing Sean Connery in fetish gear is enough to warp anyones mind


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## Rozanne

Archive from Kundlini-gateway...

"Our moderator wrote:

> So, in case anybody doesn't know it yet, Kundalini List is owned 
>and maintained by a hyper-opinionated arrogant Hedonist Vampire 
>Fetish Witch, a truly narcissistic self absorbed sadistic carnivorous 
>Bitch Dominatrix, with a certain amount of buried anger towards 
>Christians (on account of having been burned at the stake by them and 
>variously persecuted in some past lifetimes for being a healer...ya 
>ya I know...get over it)...who thinks she is a Goddess and needs to 
>be right all the time. (ME!! ME ME ME ME!!!!!)


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## Rozanne

Pablo said:


> Angel_Ariel said:
> 
> 
> 
> The next day I was speaking of the event to a friend, and he helped me realize why there was a sense of incompletion to the ritual.. I had forgotten to send Lady Diana into the light...so I did. The next day, Sept 5, the Queen publicly altered her attitude.
Click to expand...

You're making it look like I said those words!
I don't do rituals! I don't speak to Lady Diana Spencer or attempt to pass her on to a better place. The woman is mad...even madder than me so it gives me great pleasure to psychoanalyse her...the woman who said I was narcissistic!


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## Guest

You are nuts thought Rozanna :roll:


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## Guest

How do you mean... that was heart warming for me... :lol:



Pablo said:


> :lol: I think seeing Sean Connery in fetish gear is enough to warp anyones mind


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## Rozanne

...how am I nuts? I'm defensive! I'd like to know what makes me "crazy"...


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## Guest

*Rubs the back of his head*.... (Thinks to himself... - I had to go and say it didn't I?). You're a nice nutty person babe... "nice"... :roll: erm...

hummm....

You Win?... will that work for me?


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## Guest

deleted.


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## Pablo

Yeah sorry ive edited it now.

Darren you cant put Sean Connery in fetish gear, he is James Bond for gods sake!!! are there no masculine figures left untouched, even mr T is a laughing stock these days.


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## Guest

http://mrtmessing.ytmnd.com

 I'm just messin with ya


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## Rozanne

Can I just moderate a little bit and say this is the spirituality support section and even though you think I'm crazy and need more nutrients in my diet, I think we should stay on topic: which is actually quite serious for me:

The REAL REAL question is: where are we getting our support? Who are we believing in and why.

Let me explain a bit.

I know Mystress A has a fetish site, and I sort of overlooked that as a quirk. Her kundalini site hasn't got semi-clad pictures of her standing in her play-room.

Some of it seemed whacky, but I actually took on quite a bit of other stuff: witness state, shadow, power chakra etc. She isn't stupid.

I feel like a bit of a nincompoop now for the fact I believed in someone who is clearly a hypocrit....that's all guys. That's all I wanted to say.

Oh and that I think it shows a lot of the New Age philosophies can be just as easily applied to egotism.

I always suspected a narcissistic element to believing in God. I believe the earth and everything else came out of something...but the word God is a social thing, something we use to define ourselves in times of distress.


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## Guest

Erm... may I point out that "you started it"... *points at Rozanna*... she took the piss first... even though this is the "support forum!"... I'm gonna tell mum in the morning now! :evil:

P.S... I don't "think".

Extra P.S... I said you need more nutrients in your diet? No... I said "every one does"... one of the symptoms of lack of nutrients is hair loss... "do da math".


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## Guest

I beleive in five a day!


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## Rozanne

Whatever.


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## Guest

deleted.


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## Guest

deleted.


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## Guest

deleted.


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## CECIL

*Ahem* There's a PM button for a reason guys :roll:



Angel_Ariel said:


> I feel like a bit of a nincompoop now for the fact I believed in someone who is clearly a hypocrit....that's all guys. That's all I wanted to say.


10 points for using the word "nincompoop"  Lol 

Don't feel bad. A lot of what she talks about sounds pretty interesting. I can't confirm whether she actually did that with Diana, but I think its at least possible. Or at least likely that someone did it in some capacity (consciously or not).

But yeah it is a bit hypocritical to on one hand be involved in energy healing work and on the other be dominating people and sapping their energy for your own ends. The latter is very contrary to the ethos of healing as far as I'm concerned, though from what I've heard there are people out there that do these kinds of things. As the saying goes "He who can heal can maketh ill" 

I think this is an important point to note - try not to get too attached to the things you believe in (I guess I am guilty of this too). If you find something interesting and/or relevant to you, you can pick and choose bits and pieces as you want. You don't have to inherit the entire belief system just because you find one part of it resonates with you - just take that little bit and learn what you can from it. Discard the rest.

Also I guess this is an example of what I mentioned earlier regarding reflections. How much of yourself can you see in this woman? There's no need to judge yourself negatively for it, but you can use that reflection to be more aware of yourself. Then heal those elements in yourself


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## Rozanne

Dear Cecil,

I think she is a narcissist...and I don't see how she would need to help Diana get to heaven, frankly, that is insulting to the Princess of Wales. 
As far as I can see its just about "playing God". If there is a God, would he not be powerful enough to accept people without her intercession? Why boost about it?

I am more likely to "believe" in this stuff is because I am aware of the chakra and have been for a while. This wasn't exactly a matter of belief system, as the opening of my heart happened spontaneously, as did the rest of the chakras.

Actually, she writes less about chakras and more about karma and shamanic stuff...


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## Pablo

In all seriousness going to see someone for sexual and spiritual healing in one package is probably very useful for preparing the ground by clearing up repressions and dealing with lower chakra issues. Im pretty sure someone who offers both is very hard to find.


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## Rozanne

Sex is amongst other things the union of opposites. The old and young, yin and yang, good and bad, aggressive and passive, black and white...the list goes on. So I think there may be some truth in that. If you can integrate them all I suppose it might make you whole. But according to Jung the real challenge is to do it within yourself. No wonder psychology has a bad name. In any case he did talk about the spiritual aim of being whole.


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## Rozanne

Pablo said:


> In all seriousness going to see someone for sexual and spiritual healing in one package is probably very useful for preparing the ground by clearing up repressions and dealing with lower chakra issues. Im pretty sure someone who offers both is very hard to find.


I would be careful about having sex to deal with your issues. Besides I'm not sure if its very nice for the other to be on the receiving end of a negative release.


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## CECIL

Angel_Ariel said:


> Dear Cecil,
> 
> I think she is a narcissist...and I don't see how she would need to help Diana get to heaven, frankly, that is insulting to the Princess of Wales.
> As far as I can see its just about "playing God". If there is a God, would he not be powerful enough to accept people without her intercession? Why boost about it?


One idea is that "God" leaves it up to you to decide "where you go" when you die. If you believe you are going to hell, then that's what you create. If you believe you'll go to heaven, that's what you'll create. If you believe in nothingness, that's what you'll create. But only until you're ready to come back and give it another go 

The idea is that quite a few people are still heavily invested in this world when they die - they have a lot of unfinished business or perhaps are just very emotionally connected here. I don't know about Diana but it did seem she was heavily invested here, not to mention there was a lot of people that didn't want to let her go.

From what I've heard (again only ideas, I have no personal experience with this), some of those people need help to let go and move on. So I think its at least possible, but I personally wouldn't be bragging about doing it, even if I had.


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## Rozanne

I sort of feel sorry for her, to be honest.


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