# What is DP/DR like for you?



## Guest

I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.

So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


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## Guest

like fuckin hell


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## Guest

I agree Bro, but I'm looking for a little more detail. I realize words don't really do this stuff justice, but I'm hoping people will give it a shot anyway. I honestly think a one stop shopping kind of thread with descriptions of how different people experience DP/DR could be beneficial.


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## Guest

i can't even fuckin think straight, like i was just gonna go drop somethin off to this kid, thinking that i had a car, & when i went outside to go to it i realized that my dad has the car & won't be home until before i go to work. I dunno if its this hot weather or what, but i feel so shitty, its like i just wanna crawl up into a ball & die. Im gettin sick of work to, it just gets so boring, all i do is stock shelves & bail cardboard & shit like that. The only good thing is the place is air conditioned.

I have a question, that im hopeing someone can answer. Do you think that the time that i go to sleep can have an effect on me. Like last night i went to sleep at about 1:30 am & woke up at about 11. Now thats 10 hours sleep, which should be more than enough, but i still feel tired & knocked out. Is it because i went to bed late & woke up late? Like would there be a difference if i say went to sleep at i dunno , 11 and woke up at maybe 9:30, 10 ? that would actually be 10 & a half hours sleep or 11 hours depending, but would the actual times make me feel better?


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## kenc127

some days its not bothersome, other days its completely maddening. Its got a mind of its own. It does seem to get better when I'm focused on other tasks though.


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## Guest

kenc - WHAT is completely maddening? I'm hoping to get decriptions of the sensations produced by DP/DR.
For example, my main symptoms are: emptiness. No sense of self. Complete, utter emptiness, as if my soul has been removed. The outside world seem right to me, it's my inside world that seems unreal. Also, exteme levels of anxiety. And I have become something of a hypochondriac, worrying about every little twitch and pain.


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## Guest

Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.

Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.

Soon you get it.

Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.

Smoke.

Mirrors.

Dust in rays of light that form images.

As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).

Then you realize the big one.

You are nothing either.

But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.

The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.

So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.

See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.

Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.

Nothing. Is.

And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.

THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.

And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"

But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.

Peace,
Janine

p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


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## kenc127

ok, what I mean by maddening is:

- excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
- excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
- excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
- endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
- anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
- anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
- sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
- sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
- sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations

This is what I mean by maddening. Things get so tough that becoming psychotic would be almost a blessing because I wouldn't have to deal with all the anxiety of the above. When my DP isn't bad, it means that some or all of the above are either absent or dissipating. As a word of encouragement, there are more good days than bad days now, whereas 2 months ago, I had 1 good day for every 5 bad ones. Hope this helps.


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## Guest

I believe it's "HeeebeeJeebies", Janine. "H" before "J". Course you are from the south.

Thank you kenc. That's what I'm looking for - a description of how this manifests for people. And Bro, that was a good start. 
And of course Janine hit it right on the head, but she had to get all creative about it...........

Yes, this is my obsession - trying to convince myself I am DP/DR. On the other hand, I also think a thread like this - where people describe their experience, can be helpful. While there is commonality in our symptoms, there also seems to be at least subtle differences. 
Remember, we are being watched by King's College of London.........

More descriptions are welcome...........


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## grant_r

My best description is still "not existing" and my view too far behind my eyes, as if I'm watching someone else do these things in a remote location. It's too difficult to put into words.


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## JasonFar

> excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is


LOL. This always bugged the crap out of me. For example, excessive worry about social interactions when my rational mind new I was making soooooooo much out of virtually nothing, a non-event... It was conflicting for myself to realize these two things; I'm freaking out over nothing, yet realizing it is nothing itself... ARGH.

Glad those days are gone (for the most part). 8) [/url]


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## university girl

my dp/dr:

I believe I have a more dr-like experience...

I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unreality. I often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.

uni-girl


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## Guest

i just want it to end, whatever it is

noone still has answered my question of what exactly i have or what is wrong with me. But it has to end!

i don't think people get it


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## university girl

[quote name="SoulBrotha"]
i just want it to end, whatever it is
noone still has answered my question of what exactly i have or what is wrong with me. But it has to end!

SB............I'm with ya on that one.


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## Guest

This is good stuff. More more more. 
What is 'broken record syndrome?" If you mean you get a thought stuck in your head that just keeps on going and going - I have that. I call it the "EverReady Bunny Syndrome". It happens with songs sometimes, yes, but it can just as easily be a simple thought.


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## Snowy

I have so many symptoms, and they can vary from week to week. One week i will have a set of different symptoms to the week before. All anxiety/dp, just showing itself in different bloody ways. Here are some of my good fun to live with symptoms.

Feeling all jumbled up and inside out,
Feel as though i'm about to lose control and start screaming, frantically skipping naked down the street shaking my boobs with my hands and whistling and shrieking, with my eyes popping out of my head....or something along those lines.
Everything looks shimmery, like i am looking at the road on a hot summers day.
Feeling confused and disoriented in certain places, usually when there is alot of noise and a crowd.
Feel empty inside, have lost the spontaniety of life, like i can't get excited about anything.
Headaches, blurry eyes, stomach pains, chest pain, feeling like i can't breath, feel like ive had a heart attack or am going to experience one any minute. The same with a stroke, when my head goes numb and my face feels fucked and my hands get all tingly.
Waking up during the night all tensed up and confused. Waking up from dreaming and feeling like i am still in the dream. Waking up and not feeling like a human.. etc etc etc etc.....so many more....


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## kenc127

> Feel as though i'm about to lose control and start screaming, frantically skipping naked down the street shaking my boobs with my hands and whistling and shrieking, with my eyes popping out of my head....or something along those lines.


lmao. that is simply hilarious. I needed that, thank you snowy.


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## Snowy

lol thats ok 
:lol:


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## Guest

Feeling like Im on another planet and that Im the only one feeling that.
Feeling Im outside of this life, seeing people do their stuff, and me is an outsider looking at it, without feeling I take part in it (but realizing at the same time I do, which is very freaky, wanting desperately to go to the 'other side', but realizing it is not possible).
Feeling like Me is gone and the me who is there is not the real me, like someone else is looking through my eyes at the world, without me being in it.
Detached, shut off from myself.
Feeling very distant from everything happening.
Afraid that I may wake up in another reality from this one, in a whole different place from the place where I am at that moment.
In sum I guess you could say I feel totally estranged from me and my surroundings, although to others I look normal.
Feeling Im (going) crazy.
Feeling isolated which enhances when I try to explain how I feel to others and they dont get it, makes this feeling isolated/crazy even worse.
Feeling not understood by others.
Feeling I need to control my mind to not drift off into too much analysis/thoughts of my state of being, which enhances my anxiety if I do.
Being afraid there is another reality besides mine (another dimension?)
that I dont see but others do.
When having been some where or done something, then later it feels unreal I did that or was at a particular place.
Processing past events is almost impossible. I can bring things back, but I feel I wasnt in those events, that it was not me.
Memory is a problem, I have to do lots of thinking in order to recall past events. Memories are fragmented and not linear, all jumbled.

And still in all of this, I wonder if I have DP/DR for real.
I ask myself this question daily, its become an obsession.
Afraid that I made it all up or that there is something else going on, which is not Dp/Dr.
These are all feelings I encounter daily.
Good post Sc.


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## Guest

While now rereading my post an hour or so later, I cant believe its me who wrote what I wrote. Its like Im reading something that someone else wrote.
I have problems connecting it to myself. Im sure thats DP!


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## Guest

Asking yourself constantly IF this is dp, and then thinking that NOBODY else on this earth could possibly be experiencing what we experience...it must NOT be dp, it's something else, I've convinced myself it's dp, but it's not....this is different, this is something more than dp, this is even something more than a mental symptom - this is some kind of inner experience that goes way beyond any symptom...or I've tried to think it's dp, but something else is happening to me, something nobody else can see or understand because they THINK it's dp....and I'm too sick to understand it, but I can see that it's more...

that is the CLASSIC kind of thinking that accompanies dp.

Peace,
Janine


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## Guest

i have a question

what is it when, you just feel spaced out, have visual distortions, things seem strange & occasional obsessional thoughts?


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## Guest

SoulBro, the best answer I can give you is that it's an anxiety response to the Trauma of your mental breakdown.

There are "traits" of different symptoms (like some things fall into the dp category, others fall into anxiety). But there are no clear cut "this is x" and "this is Y"

We got freaked out. That was the trauma. The first time we felt awful and thought something horrible was happening to our minds. From that moment on, the nervous (or mental) breakdown is the 'oh, my GOD, what is happening to me??" part.

We continue to feel terrible in all kinds of weird ways - all the anxiety, all the odd visual stuff, the obsessing, the worrying, the depression, the odd sensations, the panic moments..>ALL of it is anxiety based and it's the result of mental defenses breaking down. The healing involves strengthening ourselves again (and understanding more about ourselves).

Any good psychiatist would agree with that.

Don't torment yourself with "what is it I HAVE?" The kind of answer you want doesn't exist.

Peace,
J


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## dalailama15

One metaphor for one aspect is a transparent, or translucent, barrier between me and the world. I can see through it, and I can remember what life was like on the other side, but I can't penatrate it.

However, there is some kind of machine, on the other side, which I can also observe, that pretends to be human, that interacts with the world, and that I _can_ in some way communicate with (although not in real time).

jeeze ? how do you answer this question without these kinds of weird metaphors.

I feel as if I am, at least on the outside, a grotesque parody of a human being.
(jeeze, that doesn't sound very good)

Specifically: when I reflect on the day, I don't feel connected with the things I said and did, and usually have a lot of self-hatred because of this.

When I think about my past, after my childhood, I feel the same way, as if I have lived somebody else's life. And again, massive self contempt for throwing my life (so far) away for no discernable reason.

I switched from an over-achiever to a chronic underachiever in the space of a few years.

I have the sense that my life is and has been just _shallow_.

I have little emotional memory, or even emotional responses _too_ remember, even though my memory of facts is fine

Although I have some short term confusion, and sometimes I have to concentrate to remember what I did yesterday, or the day before, or even this morning, (which can seem no different from a morning, say, twenty years ago.) I attribute this to the fact that it really doesn't matter _where or when_ I exist since my mind is in the same place, seemingly outside of time, motionless and unchanging, as if. .

I were in some kind of video game, or VR environment, where the whole world moves around me, creating the illusion of motion while I remain stationary. . . an issue of relativity, and yes, figure and ground.

I spend much of my waking life, especially when I am alone, creating some internal monologue to some imagined listener, which seems always lucid and frequently elloquent.

A sense, a belief, actually an observation as real as any I have, that what I call "I" is just a mess of words. Just words.

and there's more, different analogies, different points of view, etc.

And what keeps me going is the sense that this barrier, the one in the first sentence, is _not that strong_. It seems, that with the right tool, I should be able to smash it.


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## Guest

Thanks all, this is helping me. If nothing else it is feeding my obsession. 
Janine - and this is slightly off topic, though you have touched on it a couple of times in this thread: you seem to have a theory that explains these strange sensations. You even offer a "cure", here and elsewhere on the site. 
Now, I am not trying to be argumentative. You know I am not like that.

However - there are many of us seemingly stuck in this mess. What you offer as the way out suggests a choice is possible. That if we were to become less introspective, focus outwards more, become more involved in the outside world rather than our inside world, to stop trying to control everything..........that somehow, if we only made the choice to do these things - we would come out the other side of this nightmare. 
While that is a gross simplification of what you try to say, I think it at least hits on some of the high points. 
My question is: if we have this choice, this ability to to change - why don't we? Isn't it possible that, for some of us anyway, this is NOT a matter of choice? Because I can't help but think every person on this site would make the choice if it was possible. Would sit down and think, "mmm, today I think I will be less introspective, will become more involved in what's around me rather than in me, will try to be less controlling of those things I have no control over......"

Again, not trying to be a brat here or anything. Just pointing out what to me is very obvious - the inability to CHOOSE to be otherwise may in fact be a large part of the illness itself. 
This is where the nature vs. nurture conflict arises for me. I seem no more able to choose not to be DP than I would be able to choose not to have cancer.

And more descriptions please. Thank you Wendy, Dalai and Snowy.


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## Guest

i have water stuck in my left ear & its extremely annoying, i feel like im gonna go insane at any second .


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## dalailama15

Jesus Janine,

I just read your first post in this thread (of course I was more concerned with my own impressions--and making an impression--than with anyone else)

I recently wrote this in another forum



> I smoked pot probably 50 times or so over a three or four year period (and this before most of you were born). Not that much, compared to most of my peers. Towards the end, I believe I realized the absolute truth of my own existence, and from this I have never recovered.


This truth was that I didn't exist and that I never had. That all I had ever been was a self-containted construct.

I now believe that this is not all that I ever had been, that I was once alive. But since this has started, and I have tried to ignore it, every time I reflect on my self or my life. . . I see this same truth. It is always there and it is always true.

fuck this shit I just can't take it any more.

(of couse I can take it. I always have. Taking it is all I have ever been.)

.


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## university girl

sc said:


> What is 'broken record syndrome?" If you mean you get a thought stuck in your head that just keeps on going and going - I have that. I call it the "EverReady Bunny Syndrome". It happens with songs sometimes, yes, but it can just as easily be a simple thought.


Hehe...sorry i didn't explain this...

For me, "broken record syndrome" is that I am sick and tired of telling my story (to practitioners etc.). I too suffer from the "EverReady Bunny Syndrome". In addition, I find my thoughts are much louder than they used to be and often consist of me role-playing. By this I mean I hear myself having a conversation with a second party. No worries...this second party is in my own voice and I am in control of it.  It's like I am practicing conversations that may come up later. I am often explaining something to someone and then I respond to myself, as if I am that person. Anyone else do this often?

-university girl


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## Guest

Dear SC,
No, absolutely agree that none of us can just "choose" to not be dp. Of course not. I suffered with this horror for over 20 years. trust me, if there was a way to just not think about it, etc...I would have found it.

My suggestion about not obsessing over watching self, etc, is as a way to REDUCE the power. It makes it WORSE to focus directly on the experience as you're experiencing it. I just offer that tip to help people back out of the worst states. That is not going to make the dp vanish.

The only thing I know to change how we think is therapy. There are meds that work for some.

All I can tell you is that I thought I knew myself inside and out. I had done various therapies that never made a dent in me. Never touched me. I just walked out as sure I was right as when I walked in.

Once I managed much later to really explore my own thoughts,and the patterns in my life, and my unconscious motivations for many of my life choices, inside....intrinsically, I changed. What had been keeping me dp'd was a strong need to NOT change. The symptom fed the goal and vice versa.

I have no quick easy answers. But I KNOW that we all feel compelled to focus directly on how dp FEELS in the moment and to watch ourselves mercilessly. And I also know that makes the dp worse. While it's very hard to stop doing that, the first step is to TRY. Most of us don't want to try, because we secretly believe we're RIGHT, lol....and that there is a way to find answers, solutions, keys, INSIDE the dp experience.

Where we need to be looking is at OTHER aspects of ourselves, our lives, our thoughts. The moment by moment obsession with dp is keeping us distracted from where we need to be doing the work.

Peace,
Janine


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## Guest

Thank you Janine. You truly are a peach you know........


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## dakotajo

This sounds more like everbody is describing the details of their anxiety state.


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## Guest

Which makes sense, as I think it's generally accepted that anxiety and DP are closely related. Possibly just flip-sides of the same coin. 
This thread is going well. More descriptions please..........


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## dalailama15

> It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.


God help me i hope this is true. I can imagine it is. I can imagine:

The hideous fantasy as the Ptolemaic universe--equants and epicycles, wheels within wheels.

Which is also not "truth."

And which simply disolved when it met the three laws buried within and then bursting out of Kepler's mystic harmonies the real truth--beautiful circles are homely ellipses.

I thank you as well.


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## Guest

bouncing this to to the top for two reasons: 1) this got lots of hit over the weekend, and I know many people aren't even around here then; and 2) as my brand new postscript says - new pics and stuff on my webpage. Now you have the opportunity to both click and see what a DP'ed wacko really looks like, AND add your description of how DP/DR feels for you to this thread.........


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## lone wolf

DP/DR for me feels like an invisible icy wall between me and and my surroundings, in other words described like being asleep while awake. I have experienced life like this since I was 14 years, and DP/DR has not gone away after that but only for two fleeting moments. Indeed if I hadn't experienced those two - about two seconds in length - moments, I probably would now think I have never been depersonalized but this is just a normal way of experiencing life. It is because I have had DP/DR for 15 years' time now - indeed I have become used to it, and thus it doesn't bother me much anymore. Still I wish that one magical day it would disappear in the future, though personally I do not think so. But yet hoping so - it surely would feel wondrous, if I someday could experience life without this invisible wall. Sometimes - indeed even now, when typing this - I also experience some rare moments, when the icy wall around me melts a bit, but that is very subtle. But also those moments are great, and I am happy cuz of them.


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## whiterabbit

Empty, blank, unable to engage, disconnected from what I am doing, sort of dead in my eyes, observer of others, separated, pane of glass, stupefied, have to force myself to do things, robot-like, no thoughts; no feelings; wordless, lack of emotional response to things, lack of connection, dead, can't remember anything very much; feeling distant or estranged from friends and people I know, empty, empty, empty, nothing there, no sense of self, preoccupied with state, wondering if this is dp. That kind of thing. the usual and on it goes. Sarah x


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## Guest

Disconnected from reality, scared, confused & broken record thinking. Scared of the past moments of anxiety/dp/dr, scared of my memories - they don't seem right or somehow mine. Just feel plain weird. Have tinnitus, visual distortions, rapid heart beat, shaking & hot flushes. Questioning reality - why are we here? what happens when we die, I'm afraid to die!

Its really sad to say but this is the best I have felt in a long time.

My memory problem & the questions are the most frightening for me.


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## dalailama15

afraid I don't exist as any kind of entity independent from its immediate environment, any entity that exists in all environments.

afraid that I exist as a consistent entity only within various imaginary environments

afraid I am existing in an imaginary environment while simultaneously existing in a real environment

experience the world as not really real.

experience my self as not really real.

experience everything as little spacy, a lot disconnected, all of the time.

experience any emotion as suspect

don't experience appropriate emotions for those i have loved in the past, and believe i should love now.

have thought that i have no emotions for people at all, only sentementality in the context of some story.

have thought of myself as different kinds of machines, one makes clever comments, one generates sympathy, one tries to generate affection, one tries to generate admiration, etc.

have thought that I simply am not living my life, that I am simply not alive as a human being, but as some kind of sub-human entity.

have thought that I was neurotic, then as having some personality disorder, then as having depersonalization disorder.

can experience every thing I think or say, simultaneously or at some later time, as suspect, including these very words

can see most of what I do as just momentum from some direction taken some time ago, as mechanistic, as driven by stimulus and response.

have thought that i am simply empty, am basically nothing

enough of this

is this really depersonalization or something else


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## Guest

I took copy and paste of others sentences to explain mine! gimpy helped me!

1-Feeling like Im on another planet and that Im the only one feeling that. 
2-Feeling Im outside of this life, seeing people do their stuff, and me is an outsider looking at it, without feeling I take part in it (but realizing at the same time I do, which is very freaky, wanting desperately to go to the 'other side', but realizing it is not possible). 
3-Feeling like Me is gone and the me who is there is not the real me, like someone else is looking through my eyes at the world, without me being in it. (sometimes)
5-sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made 2 dimensional
6-often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places
7-In sum I guess you could say I feel totally estranged from me and my surroundings, although to others I look normal. 
8-Feeling Im (going) crazy. (fear, but it's better now)
9-When having been some where or done something, then later it feels unreal I did that or was at a particular place
10-Memory is a problem, I have to do lots of thinking in order to recall past events. Memories are fragmented and not linear, all jumbled. 
11-Time lapses

Thanks

Cynthia xxx


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## Guest

It's Wendy's sentences, not Gimpy! Lol

Cynthia


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## Guest

Alrighty then, still about 240 members that haven't posted in this thread. 
Until they do, I'll add to the description of my experience:
Intense, nearly constant fear. Just, a free-floating sense of impending doom. As if something is about to happen - something very bad. I assume that's related to fear of going crazy...........running naked screaming down the street. And I won't even have any boobs to hold on to for security as would Snowy. 
This fear of going (or already being) insane holds more terror for me than actual physical death. The thought of being crazy, locked up somewhere, but still alive.........that's what I'm most afraid of. 
That, and the feeling that I have no "me" are my two main symptoms. Tossing around words like "I", "me" and "my" seems strange. It's as if MY very soul has vanished. And it scares ME almost to death.


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## Guest

I guess i'll describe mine, since im not doing anything else right now

A constant feeling of strangeness, like things are just not right for some reason and i don't know why.

Occasional depression

Analyzing things & constantly wondering or worrying about things, on occasion these things are existential.

Feeling like i am spaced out, in a fog, still high, i guess at times detatched, kind of like i have this strange aura.

Heightened sensativity- Hypervigalance

Visual Disturbances/ Very sensative vision, i get floaters, sparks, once in a while trailers, sometimes things seem to shimmer, my eyes are more sensative to bright sunlight or bright lights in general

Anxiety, i still get physical anxiety on occasion & i guess obviously i have psychological anxiety as well.


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## jc

my signature which i stole from grant r describes dp for me,on top of this a constant thought that im going to have a panic attack,even though i havnt had one in months(work that one out)


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## Snowy

sc said:


> .....running naked screaming down the street. And I won't even have any boobs to hold on to for security as would Snowy.


LOL  
you could hold on to something else....such as your ears


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## Guest

And I have such BIG ea.............never mind. Too easy. You just got me thinking about the whole tripping hazard thing.........

Just popping back in to note that I am not the one who pinned this to the top. Maybe if we can get more descriptions of DP/DR experience I'll edit out some of the extraneous material.


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## nemesis

- Constant feeling of being disconnected from my environment
- Problems with memory
- At times being unable to recognise common faces and associate names with those
- Problems with concentration and thought structure
- Desperatly wanting to be able to interact with people on a deep meaningful level, but feeling too "slow" to do so.
- After ceasing Paxil, I'm now finding myself having to make a concerted effect to slow down and not to slur my words when speaking 
- Can no longer think on as many levels as what I used to. I appear to take most things at face value
- Being unable to read and write with the same flowing ability that I once had
- Muted emmotions across the board
- Watching my cognitive ability de-generate on a month by month basis

Initially I did have all of the typical DP symptoms such as seeing structures and forgetting what context they had in the world; looking at my extremeties and wondering if they belonged to me; and not recognising myself in a mirror, but now I find myself only struck down the cognitive issues. Perhaps I've been living in a DP state for so long that I've given up trying to make sense of the distortions of reality.

In fact Im really not sure as to whether the symptoms I'm suffering from now are technically DP or an extreme anxiety state that perhaps doesnt feel like anxiety any more because of such a high baseline level. Then again I may have just fried my mind after 8 years of anti depressant use :?


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## peacedove

Some of you described some of my symptoms so well I quoted you, hope you don't mind....

"One metaphor for one aspect is a transparent, or translucent, barrier between me and the world. I can see through it, and I can remember what life was like on the other side, but I can't penatrate it." - dalailama15

"I spend much of my waking life, especially when I am alone, creating some internal monologue to some imagined listener, which seems always lucid and frequently elloquent." - dalailama15 (I do this constantly.)

"DP/DR for me feels like an invisible icy wall between me and and my surroundings, in other words described like being asleep while awake." -Ninnu

"Disconnected from reality, scared, confused & broken record thinking.", "Questioning reality - why are we here? what happens when we die, I'm afraid to die!" -Charger

"can experience every thing I think or say, simultaneously" - dalailama15

"Problems with concentration and thought structure", "Being unable to read and write with the same flowing ability that I once had " - nemesis

"excessive thoughts (almost a 24/7 vision) about existance, mortality, death, eternity, universe and being (these things are too weird for me) " -amlangela

Now for my own words... I asked my family once a year or two after my first DP experience, I was about 7 or 8, " Do you ever feel like you're here, but you're really not?". They just laughed. Of course, how could they understand.

I fear existence. I fear not existing. I fear dying, I fear living. I would kill myself if I knew I'd be better off wherever I went. I feel distant from everyone, including those I love most. I constantly wish I was 5 again, cuz that's before I ever experience DP, and I was happy then, I was real then. I have very early memories of childhood that go back to when I was one year old. Pleasant memories. And I want to go back, I was me then, I'm not me anymore. I don't know what I am. I sometimes think I was abducted by aliens and they're doing this experiment on me, this DP is the cruel experiment.

I'm scared, terrified, depressed, anxious... Bright lights make the DP worse. It's worse in the car, especially on expressways or other long neverending roads. I can't enjoy the beauty of things. If I look up at the sky I start to freak out, especially at night. I'm terrified of infinity. I'm terrified of God, of Hell, even Heaven. Sometimes I wonder if this is Hell.


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## Guest

sc said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


My feelings of dp involve sensations of physically merging into things around me like the chair I am sitting on or my legs are melting inot the sidewalk and I have to sort of pull my legs along as if they were sticking in mollasses or conrete. Also another prominent feature is a sense of loss of self orientation in regards to my position in space. For instance one of the times I get dp and dr worse is when I am stop at a busy intersection in my car and if feel as though if I look around I will loose my sense of balance and the world will become topsy turvy. So I generally focus my eyes on the dashboard and count until the light changes. I don't get dp that often anymore mostly only in wide open spaces when traveling across the desert or sometime while waiting in line in the super market. When I used to have it constantly years ago I had all kinds of bizarre thoughts aling with the sensations. I used to have what was called "ego dislocation" where you feel that your sense of a "body self" is across the room from where you are sitting. This would be accompanied with intense panic and veretigo. Also sometimes peoples faces and heads would seem to be merging into the wall behind them, or their upper body was growing out of the table they were sitting at. Sometime still when I have periods of dp I get the sensation that my sense of a physical self is not aligned, as though the parts don't fit together as a unit, or that sometime I have been turned inside out. I know this sounds really crazy but these are my experiences. And one last point. I have used the term sensation several times because my feelings of dp are more akin to sensations than thoughts if you know what I mean.

Hope this helps


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## Guest

sc said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


My feelings of dp involve sensations of physically merging into things around me like the chair I am sitting on or my legs are melting inot the sidewalk and I have to sort of pull my legs along as if they were sticking in mollasses or conrete. Also another prominent feature is a sense of loss of self orientation in regards to my position in space. For instance one of the times I get dp and dr worse is when I am stop at a busy intersection in my car and if feel as though if I look around I will loose my sense of balance and the world will become topsy turvy. So I generally focus my eyes on the dashboard and count until the light changes. I don't get dp that often anymore mostly only in wide open spaces when traveling across the desert or sometime while waiting in line in the super market. When I used to have it constantly years ago I had all kinds of bizarre thoughts aling with the sensations. I used to have what was called "ego dislocation" where you feel that your sense of a "body self" is across the room from where you are sitting. This would be accompanied with intense panic and veretigo. Also sometimes peoples faces and heads would seem to be merging into the wall behind them, or their upper body was growing out of the table they were sitting at. Sometime still when I have periods of dp I get the sensation that my sense of a physical self is not aligned, as though the parts don't fit together as a unit, or that sometime I have been turned inside out. I know this sounds really crazy but these are my experiences. And one last point. I have used the term sensation several times because my feelings of dp are more akin to sensations than thoughts if you know what I mean.

Hope this helps


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## Guest

What I mean about heads and faces merging into the wall or peoples upper body growing out of the table is in large part do to something screwy with my sense of depth perception. Things and people will loose the thre dimensional quality and the normal laws of nature regarding the positionof things in time and space seem skewered.

sincerely john


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## Guest

What I mean about heads and faces merging into the wall or peoples upper body growing out of the table is in large part do to something screwy with my sense of depth perception. Things and people will loose the thre dimensional quality and the normal laws of nature regarding the positionof things in time and space seem skewered.

sincerely john


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## Baby Blue

_  Painful. especially the feeling that im being selfish with my feeling's towards everything that i used to find fun, and the people around me.
I feel that all my emotions and fun in life have been vacuumed out of me, soules, not being able to think of anything that could change the way i feel inside - wanting to rip my head off................ or be a non sufferer as i was b4 this year._


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## Baby Blue

_  Painful. especially the feeling that im being selfish with my feeling's towards everything that i used to find fun, and the people around me.
I feel that all my emotions and fun in life have been vacuumed out of me, soules, not being able to think of anything that could change the way i feel inside - wanting to rip my head off................ or be a non sufferer as i was b4 this year._


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## Guest

I don't think I have dp/dr anymore, at least not as I feared it, but when I did have it:

-a feeling of being completely suspended in space, and utterly alone (I've sometimes wondered if this is similar to the experience of being in the womb!)
-existentialist thoughts, along the lines of wondering how I could be sure that other people existed, feeling like the only person in the universe, obsessing over the nature of time
-terror as a result of the above
-anxiety attacks and feeling paralysed (literally not being able to speak)
-feeling disconnected from my body, as if I was standing outside myself (always to the right-hand side)
-feeling as if my voice was coming from someone else
-observing my thoughts
-objects looking different, the countryside looking like a toy landscape, people appearing 2D
-not feeling like my 'old' self, feeling like a ghost, as if I'd died
-emotions feeling flat, worrying about being potentially psychotic and unable to really feel anything for other people
-feeling like an automaton
-feeling detached from people, the world, myself
-feeling numb
-'waking dream' type images, often at night before sleep, but often in daytime, too
-constant uncontrollable flashbacks of trivial events in my life, minor events from childhood that I'd totally forgotten
-as regards the flashbacks, they made me feel that I was nothing, just a jar of memories that had been shaken up (and I'm not sure what I put it down to, either, the fact that I'd been suicidal or the fact that I'd really been straining my brain, trying to get past certain thoughts)

There is other stuff, but I've a tendency to see that as triggered by dp/dr, as opposed to being actually symptomatic of it (I'm talking about depression here, extremely poor concentration, huge anger at myself, etc., and I guess I would also see the anxiety attacks I mentioned above as triggered by dp/dr).



Wendy said:


> When having been some where or done something, then later it feels unreal I did that or was at a particular place.
> Processing past events is almost impossible. I can bring things back, but I feel I wasnt in those events, that it was not me.


I've been noticing this a bit lately in my own life, which is why this post jumped out at me. I seem to be able to deal with it, though, and it doesn't terrify me as the original dp/dr did. I kind of look at it in the detached way that the dp/dr used make me view myself. I put it down in my own case to mood swings and tiredness. I can feel like a different person at different times, so I've explained it away as this for myself. In the real throes of dp/dr, it used be much more severe and how I'd feel would vary from one hour to the other, although - ironically - it bothered me less then. I don't mean to trivialise what you're feeling. I'm just connecting a little to what you're saying.



dalailama15 said:


> can experience every thing I think or say, simultaneously or at some later time, as suspect, including these very words


I get this, too. I still have a complete lack of confidence in myself and sometimes feel that I don't even know what I really think. I have my own theories as to where the above comes from for me, but don't want to clog the thread any more than I'm already doing!



SoulBrotha said:


> A constant feeling of strangeness, like things are just not right for some reason and i don't know why.
> 
> Analyzing things & constantly wondering or worrying about things, on occasion these things are existential.
> 
> Heightened sensativity- Hypervigalance


I can relate to the above, too, especially the first one, and I still definitely over-analyse.



> Visual Disturbances/ Very sensative vision, i get floaters, sparks, once in a while trailers, sometimes things seem to shimmer, my eyes are more sensative to bright sunlight or bright lights in general


I also get this _now_ (although not at the time of the dp/dr) but actually checked it out medically and it was suggested to me that it was migraine, which rings true for me. I get 'traditional' migraine with its headache and accompanying nausea (plus there's a history of it in the family), but the 'heat haze' visual distortions freaked me out so much that I went to the doctor about them. I'd also seen a 'jagged C' impression, as if I'd been looking into a bright light (but I hadn't been). The doctor at the eye clinic said that you don't necessarily have to get the accompanying headache to suffer a migraine attack. He also suggested that visual distortions _can_ be due to the jelly-like substance in the eye moving around. I do notice that my vision can be sensitive, especially if I feel that a migraine is hovering around the corner (doesn't always turn up full force). I just thought I'd suggest it, in case it helped anyone else. Maybe one feeds the other. Who knows? I also sometimes smell things that aren't there, and I think I've also come across this mentioned as another symptom of migraine.

It was really weird for me when I discovered this site in its old form, although I only registered then and never posted. When I had the feeling of being outside my body, I looked it up in a psychiatric text and came across the name 'depersonalisation disorder'. For me, then, it was enough that it had a name, that other people had experienced it, and I didn't look any further. That was ten years ago. When I first visited this site, I was amazed that the existentialist feelings were also considered part of dp/dr. They'd formed what I'd call my first real bout with it, whereas the 'out of body' experience was the second real bout. Just writing this post and reading other people's, I can see that lots of symptoms are tangled up in each other. I can also see that I may _still_ have milder symptoms of dp/dr, although - perhaps oddly - I don't fear them in the same way and usually look to see what's causing them as an indication of what's going wrong in my life. I can relate to SoulBrotha's feeling of strangeness and something not being right, and I got the 'suspended in space' feeling again recently, the one that had terrified me a dozen years ago, but I was able to cope with it and it vanished very quickly.

I should really wind this up now. Sorry for the long post.


----------



## Guest

I don't think I have dp/dr anymore, at least not as I feared it, but when I did have it:

-a feeling of being completely suspended in space, and utterly alone (I've sometimes wondered if this is similar to the experience of being in the womb!)
-existentialist thoughts, along the lines of wondering how I could be sure that other people existed, feeling like the only person in the universe, obsessing over the nature of time
-terror as a result of the above
-anxiety attacks and feeling paralysed (literally not being able to speak)
-feeling disconnected from my body, as if I was standing outside myself (always to the right-hand side)
-feeling as if my voice was coming from someone else
-observing my thoughts
-objects looking different, the countryside looking like a toy landscape, people appearing 2D
-not feeling like my 'old' self, feeling like a ghost, as if I'd died
-emotions feeling flat, worrying about being potentially psychotic and unable to really feel anything for other people
-feeling like an automaton
-feeling detached from people, the world, myself
-feeling numb
-'waking dream' type images, often at night before sleep, but often in daytime, too
-constant uncontrollable flashbacks of trivial events in my life, minor events from childhood that I'd totally forgotten
-as regards the flashbacks, they made me feel that I was nothing, just a jar of memories that had been shaken up (and I'm not sure what I put it down to, either, the fact that I'd been suicidal or the fact that I'd really been straining my brain, trying to get past certain thoughts)

There is other stuff, but I've a tendency to see that as triggered by dp/dr, as opposed to being actually symptomatic of it (I'm talking about depression here, extremely poor concentration, huge anger at myself, etc., and I guess I would also see the anxiety attacks I mentioned above as triggered by dp/dr).



Wendy said:


> When having been some where or done something, then later it feels unreal I did that or was at a particular place.
> Processing past events is almost impossible. I can bring things back, but I feel I wasnt in those events, that it was not me.


I've been noticing this a bit lately in my own life, which is why this post jumped out at me. I seem to be able to deal with it, though, and it doesn't terrify me as the original dp/dr did. I kind of look at it in the detached way that the dp/dr used make me view myself. I put it down in my own case to mood swings and tiredness. I can feel like a different person at different times, so I've explained it away as this for myself. In the real throes of dp/dr, it used be much more severe and how I'd feel would vary from one hour to the other, although - ironically - it bothered me less then. I don't mean to trivialise what you're feeling. I'm just connecting a little to what you're saying.



dalailama15 said:


> can experience every thing I think or say, simultaneously or at some later time, as suspect, including these very words


I get this, too. I still have a complete lack of confidence in myself and sometimes feel that I don't even know what I really think. I have my own theories as to where the above comes from for me, but don't want to clog the thread any more than I'm already doing!



SoulBrotha said:


> A constant feeling of strangeness, like things are just not right for some reason and i don't know why.
> 
> Analyzing things & constantly wondering or worrying about things, on occasion these things are existential.
> 
> Heightened sensativity- Hypervigalance


I can relate to the above, too, especially the first one, and I still definitely over-analyse.



> Visual Disturbances/ Very sensative vision, i get floaters, sparks, once in a while trailers, sometimes things seem to shimmer, my eyes are more sensative to bright sunlight or bright lights in general


I also get this _now_ (although not at the time of the dp/dr) but actually checked it out medically and it was suggested to me that it was migraine, which rings true for me. I get 'traditional' migraine with its headache and accompanying nausea (plus there's a history of it in the family), but the 'heat haze' visual distortions freaked me out so much that I went to the doctor about them. I'd also seen a 'jagged C' impression, as if I'd been looking into a bright light (but I hadn't been). The doctor at the eye clinic said that you don't necessarily have to get the accompanying headache to suffer a migraine attack. He also suggested that visual distortions _can_ be due to the jelly-like substance in the eye moving around. I do notice that my vision can be sensitive, especially if I feel that a migraine is hovering around the corner (doesn't always turn up full force). I just thought I'd suggest it, in case it helped anyone else. Maybe one feeds the other. Who knows? I also sometimes smell things that aren't there, and I think I've also come across this mentioned as another symptom of migraine.

It was really weird for me when I discovered this site in its old form, although I only registered then and never posted. When I had the feeling of being outside my body, I looked it up in a psychiatric text and came across the name 'depersonalisation disorder'. For me, then, it was enough that it had a name, that other people had experienced it, and I didn't look any further. That was ten years ago. When I first visited this site, I was amazed that the existentialist feelings were also considered part of dp/dr. They'd formed what I'd call my first real bout with it, whereas the 'out of body' experience was the second real bout. Just writing this post and reading other people's, I can see that lots of symptoms are tangled up in each other. I can also see that I may _still_ have milder symptoms of dp/dr, although - perhaps oddly - I don't fear them in the same way and usually look to see what's causing them as an indication of what's going wrong in my life. I can relate to SoulBrotha's feeling of strangeness and something not being right, and I got the 'suspended in space' feeling again recently, the one that had terrified me a dozen years ago, but I was able to cope with it and it vanished very quickly.

I should really wind this up now. Sorry for the long post.


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## peacedove

Kathryn... I'm really interested in your theories about what dalailama15 wrote. I related to that too. If you don't want to post here, maybe you could start a new thread. I doubt anyone would mind you posting it here though, we're all interested in this stuff.


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## peacedove

Kathryn... I'm really interested in your theories about what dalailama15 wrote. I related to that too. If you don't want to post here, maybe you could start a new thread. I doubt anyone would mind you posting it here though, we're all interested in this stuff.


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## Guest

No problem, but if a moderator needs to move it to another place, please do. I'll keep it as short as I can. In my case, it's firstly coloured by the fact that someone used regularly tell me, 'You think this, you think that,' and sometimes these weren't very nice things that I was allegedly thinking. I think that this made me doubt a lot of my own opinions and over-analyse much of what I thought. I'd think something 'nice' and then worry that it was just a front and I really _was_ a nasty person deep down. It's just very confusing to be told what you're 'thinking'. I've also spent so much of my life hiding myself, my problems, and what I really feel, being afraid of offending people, hence keeping quiet, that I think I've covered myself up so much that I don't necessarily even recognise myself anymore when I'm alone with my own thoughts. It's as if the front is so exhausting that when you drop it the simplicity of things is too weird to deal with. You're 95% of the time crushing who you are, so when the other 5% of time rolls around, it feels lonely and odd. There's so big a gulf between that cover you put forward to the world and how you actually feel inside, that I think part of your brain starts doubting what's inside, too. I'll say something and wonder if I really mean it, for example. I keep searching for something beneath it. For me, it definitely relates to wondering if I'm really a good person, wondering if I'm actually very shallow, wondering whether or not I genuinely care about people, and also that feeling of disconnection you get when the dp/dr deconstructs your personality/identity. It's as if the building blocks get taken down, so when they're put back up again you've lost faith in the final construct because you're focused on the bricks. That's one way that I have of explaining it. I'm not sure if the above will make sense to anyone, or be of any help, and I still have difficulty trying to find the words to describe things. I guess a very short, basic way of saying it is that I think the ego part of you is so crushed or pushed to the background that your surface thoughts just feel as lacking in identity as your subconscious. They feel neutral, there's no force behind them, hence they feel 'suspect'.


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## Guest

No problem, but if a moderator needs to move it to another place, please do. I'll keep it as short as I can. In my case, it's firstly coloured by the fact that someone used regularly tell me, 'You think this, you think that,' and sometimes these weren't very nice things that I was allegedly thinking. I think that this made me doubt a lot of my own opinions and over-analyse much of what I thought. I'd think something 'nice' and then worry that it was just a front and I really _was_ a nasty person deep down. It's just very confusing to be told what you're 'thinking'. I've also spent so much of my life hiding myself, my problems, and what I really feel, being afraid of offending people, hence keeping quiet, that I think I've covered myself up so much that I don't necessarily even recognise myself anymore when I'm alone with my own thoughts. It's as if the front is so exhausting that when you drop it the simplicity of things is too weird to deal with. You're 95% of the time crushing who you are, so when the other 5% of time rolls around, it feels lonely and odd. There's so big a gulf between that cover you put forward to the world and how you actually feel inside, that I think part of your brain starts doubting what's inside, too. I'll say something and wonder if I really mean it, for example. I keep searching for something beneath it. For me, it definitely relates to wondering if I'm really a good person, wondering if I'm actually very shallow, wondering whether or not I genuinely care about people, and also that feeling of disconnection you get when the dp/dr deconstructs your personality/identity. It's as if the building blocks get taken down, so when they're put back up again you've lost faith in the final construct because you're focused on the bricks. That's one way that I have of explaining it. I'm not sure if the above will make sense to anyone, or be of any help, and I still have difficulty trying to find the words to describe things. I guess a very short, basic way of saying it is that I think the ego part of you is so crushed or pushed to the background that your surface thoughts just feel as lacking in identity as your subconscious. They feel neutral, there's no force behind them, hence they feel 'suspect'.


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## shadowness

*very light headed...
*eye disturbances...2D... 
*excessive thoughts about my thoughts...feelings...vision...existance...breathing...death...being...anxiety...
*numbness all over....mainly in hands...arms...legs...
*feeling weighted down...very heavy...
*disorientated...
*being in two parts...1.observing...2.doing...not connected...

those are the main ones...

i do not want to say anything else as i start to panic about what i have put :?


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## shadowness

*very light headed...
*eye disturbances...2D... 
*excessive thoughts about my thoughts...feelings...vision...existance...breathing...death...being...anxiety...
*numbness all over....mainly in hands...arms...legs...
*feeling weighted down...very heavy...
*disorientated...
*being in two parts...1.observing...2.doing...not connected...

those are the main ones...

i do not want to say anything else as i start to panic about what i have put :?


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## Isobel

Although I have loads of symptoms, sometimes theyre all just 'mush' and cant remember/explain them, (it affects my memory too )lol

but I can relate to that feeling of being stranded in space, and I looked at Dreamers website, and the picture on there just sums that up for me so well


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## Isobel

Although I have loads of symptoms, sometimes theyre all just 'mush' and cant remember/explain them, (it affects my memory too )lol

but I can relate to that feeling of being stranded in space, and I looked at Dreamers website, and the picture on there just sums that up for me so well


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## Kerio

I think it involves concentration to some extent. I have problems with my memory too, but whereas in some areas it just stinks, I can sometimes remember fragments of things (like entire serial numbers) with just one look. It's just like having a dream of a number and then waking up to remember the number. Although the number only flashes by, it kinds of 'prints' itself into my brain. Same goes when I relate incidents to people.

It's so like remembering a dream I don't think I should be proud of it, but I'm definitely not ashamed of it.

Perhaps it's the 'Observer' manner that we see things, most of us are really shy and quiet on the outside. When we do get rowdy and loud, generally we aren't really in control.

So far life has been like a dream for me. Hell, I could remember some dreams more vividly than I can remember my life. Everything seems detached. I am looking at my hands type, but I'm not entirely certain they're mine. I've had thoughts that I could be in a coma in a hospital somewhere (yuhoo, kari!) and my loved ones were beside me. When I awoke, perhaps only a few days had gone by. Either that, or I would be an old man already. I've had thoughts that aliens possessed my body and were using me as a tool to see the world through. I've had thoughts that some one had used voodoo on me.

I've been hit by a car once (rolled onto my back like a tortoise because I was carrying a bloody heavy bag then) and nearly run over more than twice so far, and even then I've had no response, even when the car honked at me a few inches away and the driver gesticulated quite politely that I could go f*** myself. I would, but I don't even know who I am. Or what I am.

My eyes seem covered by something. My senses don't seem to connect. My thoughts don't link like most other people. (It makes me an interesting person, but it's unnatural) I can feel rage, because it's such a deep emotion. I can feel sorrow, because it's equally strong. But I can't feel genuine joy, or even bliss. I have a nice room. I have air-conditioning, a tv, a hi-fi, a computer, a rack, rows and rows of comics and anime, I have posters of my favourite characters on the wall-to anyone watching, I'm 100% normal. My life is pretty good now - if I could just feel that it's mine. Nothing registers. My room feels alien. My walls feel alien. My world feels alien. I think about existence, living, soul, death, dreams, and stuff which would make normal people scream taboo.

I feel like my body is a robot, and I'm somewhere in the back of my head controlling it. I see my shadow, but I wonder if I am my shadow's shadow, and that my shadow is actually the one alive.

I feel like my soul has been broken off from my body, and is floating around in me, separated by another me who loves to rationalise. I see me, but I don't know it's me. I don't think it's me. I could be a separate entity, being a total parasite in a me-like host.

This doesn't make much sense, does it?

But all I can say is, I am glad I found this place.


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## Kerio

I think it involves concentration to some extent. I have problems with my memory too, but whereas in some areas it just stinks, I can sometimes remember fragments of things (like entire serial numbers) with just one look. It's just like having a dream of a number and then waking up to remember the number. Although the number only flashes by, it kinds of 'prints' itself into my brain. Same goes when I relate incidents to people.

It's so like remembering a dream I don't think I should be proud of it, but I'm definitely not ashamed of it.

Perhaps it's the 'Observer' manner that we see things, most of us are really shy and quiet on the outside. When we do get rowdy and loud, generally we aren't really in control.

So far life has been like a dream for me. Hell, I could remember some dreams more vividly than I can remember my life. Everything seems detached. I am looking at my hands type, but I'm not entirely certain they're mine. I've had thoughts that I could be in a coma in a hospital somewhere (yuhoo, kari!) and my loved ones were beside me. When I awoke, perhaps only a few days had gone by. Either that, or I would be an old man already. I've had thoughts that aliens possessed my body and were using me as a tool to see the world through. I've had thoughts that some one had used voodoo on me.

I've been hit by a car once (rolled onto my back like a tortoise because I was carrying a bloody heavy bag then) and nearly run over more than twice so far, and even then I've had no response, even when the car honked at me a few inches away and the driver gesticulated quite politely that I could go f*** myself. I would, but I don't even know who I am. Or what I am.

My eyes seem covered by something. My senses don't seem to connect. My thoughts don't link like most other people. (It makes me an interesting person, but it's unnatural) I can feel rage, because it's such a deep emotion. I can feel sorrow, because it's equally strong. But I can't feel genuine joy, or even bliss. I have a nice room. I have air-conditioning, a tv, a hi-fi, a computer, a rack, rows and rows of comics and anime, I have posters of my favourite characters on the wall-to anyone watching, I'm 100% normal. My life is pretty good now - if I could just feel that it's mine. Nothing registers. My room feels alien. My walls feel alien. My world feels alien. I think about existence, living, soul, death, dreams, and stuff which would make normal people scream taboo.

I feel like my body is a robot, and I'm somewhere in the back of my head controlling it. I see my shadow, but I wonder if I am my shadow's shadow, and that my shadow is actually the one alive.

I feel like my soul has been broken off from my body, and is floating around in me, separated by another me who loves to rationalise. I see me, but I don't know it's me. I don't think it's me. I could be a separate entity, being a total parasite in a me-like host.

This doesn't make much sense, does it?

But all I can say is, I am glad I found this place.


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## peacedove

It makes perfect sense. Maybe not to "normal" people, but to all us here I'm sure.


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## peacedove

It makes perfect sense. Maybe not to "normal" people, but to all us here I'm sure.


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## Guest

For me, this will be very simple to explain considering I'm having it right now.

Well, I start to drift off an enter a zone of my own reality where theirs absolute nothingness besides obsessive irrational thought's (all in question form of course), immortal fear and a concerning uprise of panic. When I finally enter that zone I seem to feel as if I'm a character in a pre-recorded film with no end or point called Life. My enviromental surrounding's become foreign & unknown, familiar people become complete stranger's, as do I, my emotion's feel contorted an faded as if i can not regain them and I get an unusual rush of adrenaline that brings me back after about 10 minute's of familiarizing and acquiring my former consious.

So basically, it's a trailer of Hell.


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## Guest

For me, this will be very simple to explain considering I'm having it right now.

Well, I start to drift off an enter a zone of my own reality where theirs absolute nothingness besides obsessive irrational thought's (all in question form of course), immortal fear and a concerning uprise of panic. When I finally enter that zone I seem to feel as if I'm a character in a pre-recorded film with no end or point called Life. My enviromental surrounding's become foreign & unknown, familiar people become complete stranger's, as do I, my emotion's feel contorted an faded as if i can not regain them and I get an unusual rush of adrenaline that brings me back after about 10 minute's of familiarizing and acquiring my former consious.

So basically, it's a trailer of Hell.


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## Guest

Here is a pic who defines Dp/DR : the "scream" painting stoled recently at oslo museum.

Cyn xxx

[/img]


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## Guest

Here is a pic who defines Dp/DR : the "scream" painting stoled recently at oslo museum.

Cyn xxx

[/img]


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## Guest

I am totally diconnected - numb from all feelings
I feel weird or different from everyone else - inside
I am able to function very well on the outside - BS'd quiet a few therapist until this last one I have been seeing. She is very unconventional and doesn't miss a trick. She had me pegged day one which ticked me off but intrigued me as well. Anyway she has helped a lot - I'm starting to feel a little.
I have extreme anxiety at times and could swear I am having a heart attack.
I feel like I have totally lost my mind and checked out of this world at times.
Under extreme emotional distress I "leave my body" and don't even feel real or alive.
I have entertained "leaving this world for good" many times - came close to actually going through with it but chickened out at the very end.
Every "romantic" relationship I've ever had has been fake. This one distresses me most because when I am touched I feel absolutley nothing. I can get into the "nuts and bolts" of things I just don't connect emotionally or feel that "tingle" I hear other people talk about.
I don't trust - there are about 2 people in my life that I trust and I can't say I trust them 100%.

:twisted:


----------



## Guest

I am totally diconnected - numb from all feelings
I feel weird or different from everyone else - inside
I am able to function very well on the outside - BS'd quiet a few therapist until this last one I have been seeing. She is very unconventional and doesn't miss a trick. She had me pegged day one which ticked me off but intrigued me as well. Anyway she has helped a lot - I'm starting to feel a little.
I have extreme anxiety at times and could swear I am having a heart attack.
I feel like I have totally lost my mind and checked out of this world at times.
Under extreme emotional distress I "leave my body" and don't even feel real or alive.
I have entertained "leaving this world for good" many times - came close to actually going through with it but chickened out at the very end.
Every "romantic" relationship I've ever had has been fake. This one distresses me most because when I am touched I feel absolutley nothing. I can get into the "nuts and bolts" of things I just don't connect emotionally or feel that "tingle" I hear other people talk about.
I don't trust - there are about 2 people in my life that I trust and I can't say I trust them 100%.

:twisted:


----------



## dreamcatcher

my symptoms: visual disturbances
not connecting with me speaking{i listen to me cause i never no what i am going to say}
thick headed
not feeling like in control of movement
surroundings familiar but not real
numb
do not recognize myself in mirror
feel like i have died{appear to be in hell not heaven}
unreality
obssesive thoughts about what life is and what its about, and how we talk, move and make decisions.
watching myself doing things, like an out of body experience 24/7

i believe one day i will feel like me again, i just hope i like it when i get there


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## dreamcatcher

my symptoms: visual disturbances
not connecting with me speaking{i listen to me cause i never no what i am going to say}
thick headed
not feeling like in control of movement
surroundings familiar but not real
numb
do not recognize myself in mirror
feel like i have died{appear to be in hell not heaven}
unreality
obssesive thoughts about what life is and what its about, and how we talk, move and make decisions.
watching myself doing things, like an out of body experience 24/7

i believe one day i will feel like me again, i just hope i like it when i get there


----------



## Guest

I have been dealing with this for about 15 years, if you can believe it.
It was overnight. Woke up just feeling miserable, like a bad hangover.
Here it is all these years later, and still trying to cope. Have all the same symptoms previously listed: detachment, like I am walking around carrying my head in a box. It sees everything, but none of it seems real. I have had constant, daily headaches every since I woke up that day so long ago. Trying to sit at a computer all day and concentrate on work takes everything I got. I try to enjoy life, but living with this can make it very hard.

Does anybody have any good references or other avenues or answers I can look into? Any amount of relief from this would be a godsend.

Jeff


----------



## Guest

I have been dealing with this for about 15 years, if you can believe it.
It was overnight. Woke up just feeling miserable, like a bad hangover.
Here it is all these years later, and still trying to cope. Have all the same symptoms previously listed: detachment, like I am walking around carrying my head in a box. It sees everything, but none of it seems real. I have had constant, daily headaches every since I woke up that day so long ago. Trying to sit at a computer all day and concentrate on work takes everything I got. I try to enjoy life, but living with this can make it very hard.

Does anybody have any good references or other avenues or answers I can look into? Any amount of relief from this would be a godsend.

Jeff


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## grant_r

Here's my newest description:

Living life in autopilot and suddenly realizing that this is your life and not someone elses. And you can't control it. Sucks, don't it?


----------



## grant_r

Here's my newest description:

Living life in autopilot and suddenly realizing that this is your life and not someone elses. And you can't control it. Sucks, don't it?


----------



## Guest

wow i just joined here and just started to read through peoples descriptions and its like... some are totally NOTHING like me and some are exactly like how i feel... like soulbrothas:
"A constant feeling of strangeness, like things are just not right for some reason and i don't know why.

Occasional depression

Analyzing things & constantly wondering or worrying about things, on occasion these things are existential.

Feeling like i am spaced out, in a fog, still high, i guess at times detatched, kind of like i have this strange aura.

Heightened sensativity- Hypervigalance

Visual Disturbances/ Very sensative vision, i get floaters, sparks, once in a while trailers, sometimes things seem to shimmer, my eyes are more sensative to bright sunlight or bright lights in general "

that covers me perfectly... especially those godawful floaters. ive been having those for WEEKS now. gahh.

ok and its like... can it still be dp if you dont have anxiety and stuff? i used to get so terrified when it happened... i really thought i was losing it and then... i think id end up making myself hallucinate, i got so hysterical. but now i just feel kind of... emotionless, dead, calm. can that still even be dp? knowing or at least having an idea of what this is or might be seems to have taken away the fear or most of it that goes wit hti.


----------



## Guest

wow i just joined here and just started to read through peoples descriptions and its like... some are totally NOTHING like me and some are exactly like how i feel... like soulbrothas:
"A constant feeling of strangeness, like things are just not right for some reason and i don't know why.

Occasional depression

Analyzing things & constantly wondering or worrying about things, on occasion these things are existential.

Feeling like i am spaced out, in a fog, still high, i guess at times detatched, kind of like i have this strange aura.

Heightened sensativity- Hypervigalance

Visual Disturbances/ Very sensative vision, i get floaters, sparks, once in a while trailers, sometimes things seem to shimmer, my eyes are more sensative to bright sunlight or bright lights in general "

that covers me perfectly... especially those godawful floaters. ive been having those for WEEKS now. gahh.

ok and its like... can it still be dp if you dont have anxiety and stuff? i used to get so terrified when it happened... i really thought i was losing it and then... i think id end up making myself hallucinate, i got so hysterical. but now i just feel kind of... emotionless, dead, calm. can that still even be dp? knowing or at least having an idea of what this is or might be seems to have taken away the fear or most of it that goes wit hti.


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## Guest

Depersonalisation is the most strangest, weirdest, thing I've ever experienced....I like some others 'fell into it' after using marijuana....What a mistake!!!! Life feels like a dream....it's so scary..... Like feeling drunk/stoned all the time...total disconnection from reality and emotion...it's sometimes so bad it can be inexpressible.....the strength of it can come and go...sometimes i think im almost me and then other times I am back outside of my body or other scary dp phenonema


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## Guest

Depersonalisation is the most strangest, weirdest, thing I've ever experienced....I like some others 'fell into it' after using marijuana....What a mistake!!!! Life feels like a dream....it's so scary..... Like feeling drunk/stoned all the time...total disconnection from reality and emotion...it's sometimes so bad it can be inexpressible.....the strength of it can come and go...sometimes i think im almost me and then other times I am back outside of my body or other scary dp phenonema


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## Inflammed

university girl said:


> such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head


I always had the impression that something physical changed in my body when I feel very DP/DR, like bad blood circulation, not enough oxygen getting to my brain, not enough sugar in blood.

I still beleive that something actually changes physically, like adrenalin levels.

And I also noticed that when my breath changes, DP/DR changes too, or appear. When I breath fast, do sport or smoke too much it always triggers it. So I can totally relate with you UniGirl...


----------



## Inflammed

university girl said:


> such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head


I always had the impression that something physical changed in my body when I feel very DP/DR, like bad blood circulation, not enough oxygen getting to my brain, not enough sugar in blood.

I still beleive that something actually changes physically, like adrenalin levels.

And I also noticed that when my breath changes, DP/DR changes too, or appear. When I breath fast, do sport or smoke too much it always triggers it. So I can totally relate with you UniGirl...


----------



## Inflammed

Even after 10 years of DP/DR, this is still hard to depict it clearfully but here it goes !

In a matter of seconds, I feel a switch, something changed within me.
Like my brain is functionning at 20%, only receiving 50% of all outer stimulis like perceptions, smell, vision, feelings, hearing.
My legs feels heavy. When I move my body I have the feeling that my brain doesn't fully understand what I'm doing.

It also feels like all my perceptual receptors are shutted down, I feel wether taller or smaller than usual, like 1 foot higher or smaller, I see things smaller or bigger too, like everything is in 2 dimension, out of reach.
If I touch something, like if my arm is layed on a table, It doesn't feel right, as I said, it feels like my skin receptors are working at minimum =)

I walk and each step, the flooer seems to be on a different level.
Seated, I feel like the chair is going to eat me ! haha ! (I'm serious=)
Again all the receptors that tells the brain : YOUR BACK IS TOUCHING THE SEAT AND YOUR ARM IS ON THE STEERING WHEEL are not fully working.
Concentration is gone, memories too, I get into survival mode, nothing is important anymore except getting better.
Constant impression that I,m going to faint or that I will remain in that state, or that it will get worst.

My vision is blurred, seeing spots, distorted, reality changed.

I feel like I just had an acid...Unreal.
Like my soul is going to drift away.

My triggers are :
Lack of sleep and food.
Intense exercisse
Artificial Lights
FOOD !!!!! (fast food is my worst ennemy)
Extreme Stress
Weather changes...like weird sunset or days without sun.
I also noticed that almost each day when it gets dark, my eyes are having a really hard time seeing correctly and it triggers DR.

My helpers are :
Daily exercisse
Eating Bio, nothing chemichally modified.
Doing something of my day
Having a constant schedule in sleeping and eating habits
Driving !
Relaxing (breathing)
Music (doing and listening)


----------



## Inflammed

Even after 10 years of DP/DR, this is still hard to depict it clearfully but here it goes !

In a matter of seconds, I feel a switch, something changed within me.
Like my brain is functionning at 20%, only receiving 50% of all outer stimulis like perceptions, smell, vision, feelings, hearing.
My legs feels heavy. When I move my body I have the feeling that my brain doesn't fully understand what I'm doing.

It also feels like all my perceptual receptors are shutted down, I feel wether taller or smaller than usual, like 1 foot higher or smaller, I see things smaller or bigger too, like everything is in 2 dimension, out of reach.
If I touch something, like if my arm is layed on a table, It doesn't feel right, as I said, it feels like my skin receptors are working at minimum =)

I walk and each step, the flooer seems to be on a different level.
Seated, I feel like the chair is going to eat me ! haha ! (I'm serious=)
Again all the receptors that tells the brain : YOUR BACK IS TOUCHING THE SEAT AND YOUR ARM IS ON THE STEERING WHEEL are not fully working.
Concentration is gone, memories too, I get into survival mode, nothing is important anymore except getting better.
Constant impression that I,m going to faint or that I will remain in that state, or that it will get worst.

My vision is blurred, seeing spots, distorted, reality changed.

I feel like I just had an acid...Unreal.
Like my soul is going to drift away.

My triggers are :
Lack of sleep and food.
Intense exercisse
Artificial Lights
FOOD !!!!! (fast food is my worst ennemy)
Extreme Stress
Weather changes...like weird sunset or days without sun.
I also noticed that almost each day when it gets dark, my eyes are having a really hard time seeing correctly and it triggers DR.

My helpers are :
Daily exercisse
Eating Bio, nothing chemichally modified.
Doing something of my day
Having a constant schedule in sleeping and eating habits
Driving !
Relaxing (breathing)
Music (doing and listening)


----------



## England's_Dreaming

Hello,

What do you mean Kings College London are watching us?

Love,

Jacqueline


----------



## England's_Dreaming

Hello,

What do you mean Kings College London are watching us?

Love,

Jacqueline


----------



## Ree

1. it's like posting on a message board and then one day you wake up and it won't let you log in and all your posts are gone, and you think to yourself did I ever really post there? (kidding, I like the new look of the site REV!)

2. It's like when you are wearing really comfortable fuzzy dry socks and then you step in something wet, it is extremely uncomfortable and you want to change those socks, and you can remember what it was like to have the real comfortable dry socks on. but multiply that annoying feeling by infinity.

3. I read through these posts and you all post a very accurate desciption of DP, I also suffer from Alexythymia. I feel like things are no longer in 3 D and I have Derealization as well. I am here to empathize and show my support. I have also done the study on DP at Sinia with Dr. Simeon, if anyone has any questions.

I have both Yahoo instant messenger and MSN if anyone wants to chat. 
Yahoo: [email protected]
MSN: Ree

Ree


----------



## Ree

1. it's like posting on a message board and then one day you wake up and it won't let you log in and all your posts are gone, and you think to yourself did I ever really post there? (kidding, I like the new look of the site REV!)

2. It's like when you are wearing really comfortable fuzzy dry socks and then you step in something wet, it is extremely uncomfortable and you want to change those socks, and you can remember what it was like to have the real comfortable dry socks on. but multiply that annoying feeling by infinity.

3. I read through these posts and you all post a very accurate desciption of DP, I also suffer from Alexythymia. I feel like things are no longer in 3 D and I have Derealization as well. I am here to empathize and show my support. I have also done the study on DP at Sinia with Dr. Simeon, if anyone has any questions.

I have both Yahoo instant messenger and MSN if anyone wants to chat. 
Yahoo: [email protected]
MSN: Ree

Ree


----------



## Digitalbath

inside a bubble-- im a camera without a cameraman---
somehow somewhere in my past i left my "self" and as time goes by i slowly begin to forget him...

my dreams are as vivid as my waking life, sometimes more vivid.
i find it sad that i cannot feel, that i've lost the ability to emotions---

and thnking that i felt sad, contradicts-- coz the truth is i dont give a damn,... if tommorow i die, it wouldn't make me different

time is irrelevant, yesterday and last christmas -- the same--
my memories a mess--- im a child, and DP is a lie that feels so much like the TRUTH .. pounding my head, torturing my beliefs and faith--- hopelessness.


----------



## Digitalbath

inside a bubble-- im a camera without a cameraman---
somehow somewhere in my past i left my "self" and as time goes by i slowly begin to forget him...

my dreams are as vivid as my waking life, sometimes more vivid.
i find it sad that i cannot feel, that i've lost the ability to emotions---

and thnking that i felt sad, contradicts-- coz the truth is i dont give a damn,... if tommorow i die, it wouldn't make me different

time is irrelevant, yesterday and last christmas -- the same--
my memories a mess--- im a child, and DP is a lie that feels so much like the TRUTH .. pounding my head, torturing my beliefs and faith--- hopelessness.


----------



## Kelson12

Detached...detached and more detached. Trapped in my own mind and therefore do not feel like I am actually "here". Before I found the word depersonalization I called it the "not here feeling". Because it really feels like I am not here. Not attached to the environment around me. Not attached to my own mind. And when I try to focus on things around me it only makes the DP worse. 
I have developed pretty strong depression due to the fact of the DP. Also now have a scary feeling whenever I try to focus and stare at anything, like my mind is saying, "We aren't attached to that, stop, ahhhh!" It's so weird. And the thing is, I don't know how to make it stop and how to stop dwelling on how I feel! When I think about doing things I get a depressed, panicky feeling in my mind, cause I know how detached I will feel doing it. For example, if I think about walking across my office building to the front of the office to give something to the secretary, I think of how detached I will feel, so I get an uncontrollable feeling of panic. It sucks.

Kelson


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## Mies

it's like not living my life, but observing it.

dp/dr sounded familiar to me, very much. I didn't regognise all of the descriptions, but lots of them. I cried the past three days, and told my boyfriend and my two best friends. all of them told me to seek professional help (apart from offering me to be there for me, of course). one even gave me a deadline: monday.

i don't know what to do. I don't want to take medication, afraid of losing control even more than I already have. the alternative is trying to live "with" myself, as I have been for the past (don't know how many) years. the latter didn't work, obviously.

this is day four. I find myself observing myself as a person who is dp/dr selfdiagnosed, but it doesn't seem to be me. like I entered the next phase of detachment from myself. where does it end?


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## Guest

wow, so glad i found this site...

ive had bad anxiety and depression for many years now (im 21), but only the last month or 2 ive felt soo effing strange.

its like all of the sudden i relaized what life was, or wasnt..

i feel like my body and mind are seperate, and that these processes in my body are happening, and i cant control them. 
its like im observing me, ..

im constantly freaking out in my head..because i dont know what life is, or how it started, or i cant figure out if there is a god, or what to believe in

i stare at people and wonder if its all fake, if im just dreaming this life.. 
i feel like i need answers...or like ive discovered soemthing i shouldnt have, and my lifes gonna end and on to the next phase

im scared of death because im afraid it all just ends...

im scared ill never feel good, or sane again
is this DP or DR?

thanks god for this site, really.


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## grant_r

I'm a floating pair of eyes wearing beer goggles.


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## Phill

Hey Lifes_edge, Does sound like dp to me. Similar symptoms to what i had. And on the spiritual side of things, don't try and figure out if there is a god. Just simply say 'God if you're there and really do exist, please reveal yourself to me'. If you're truly sincere in asking this, you will indeed get an answer. Anyways, gotta go to work.


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## Guest

Phill said:


> Hey Lifes_edge, Does sound like dp to me. Similar symptoms to what i had. And on the spiritual side of things, don't try and figure out if there is a god. Just simply say 'God if you're there and really do exist, please reveal yourself to me'. If you're truly sincere in asking this, you will indeed get an answer. Anyways, gotta go to work.


hey, thanks for the reply

You really think that if there is a God, they will show you a sign? i mean...we can make ourselves believe that a flicker of lights or a coincidence is spiritual..i just dont know.. this is so strange..
:shock: 
Im like, continuing my life as normal but inside its a whole other story. im afraid that its developping so fast, soon i will be insane and not know it...i want my old life back.
how did you deal with and get over this Phil??


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## Kerio

I see the world through my tinted glasses
dreamy, surreal, much like someone elses'
far too quickly my entire life passes
What is my purpose? my soul ever asks

Live up your life! Our friends and family all say
Fret not about other-worldly affairs!
But why do I exist? Am I alive?
the query cuts through, a proverbial knife

thinking, thinking, I fell deep into thought
ever dreaming, for a riddle I sought
my ghosts, my demons, my doubts and my fears
All band together to laugh and to jeer

Like a whirlwind, a storm, the deep blue sea
with me in the midst, like a tiny pea.
and churned into darkness my soul was wrought
though valiantly I stood and cursed and fought

Deeper did I sink into my despair
into death, into pain, the devil's lair
Hoping against hope I close my eyes
How is this real? They're nothing but lies!

I open my eyes and I see myself
It is me, in my body - who else?
But as I grin and smile and thank my angels
I am still living in my own stranger.


----------



## Guest

Well, last time i posted here, i was only experiencing mild dp/dr

then all the sudden it exploded and i couldnt do anything, i couldnt even go outside because the sky and streets looked so unfamiliar and unreal...
i ended up in the hospital because i wanted to die.

i cant believe im still here, but i am. these thoughts continue, but the medication Seroquil has helped me calm down, and get sleep.

i think i might just make it out of this maze.

i pray for everyone else going through this. it is truly, beyond unbearable.


----------



## Guest

Hi everyone,
I use to visit this site for the first year or so of my dp. (it came on suddenly as a result of severe stress and anxiety 4 years ago) it's amazing how much the site has grown! either the number of us out there is growing or more people are now finally getting much needed support! (or both) i decided to go back on to the site because i need some support and am abit sick of pretending to everyone and myself all the time that i experience consciousness 'normally' .

my symptoms are persistent and chronic and the worst one is my feeling of being suspended in time and space. i hate the way a day no longer feels like a day time-wise, and the same can be said for anything from a minute to a year. it is so disorienting. when someone asks me 'what did you do yesterday?' it is really hard to remember and i often need prompting. it feels like a type of brain damage! sometimes in the morning before work or uni i'll figure out what i did the day before, what the weather was like etc, so i can act normal if someone asks me. my other main symptom is feeling totally unreal and cut off from myself. i have become somewhat used to this though and no longer grieve over the loss of myself , as i did for the first year


----------



## Guest

I am 15 and have been diagnosed with Panic Disorder. For me, a believe I suffer more from DR than DP. Sometimes it's frustrating when I am trying to explain the symptoms of DR/DP to my mam and friends and I feel is they're thinking "he's crazy or is making this up" so it's nice to be able to let people who can understand DR/DP know how i feel. It all began one day after smoking marujana, I had a panic attack while under the influence of the marujana and was taken to hospital as i thought and felt as if I was suffocating, I will never take Marajuna again. Everything was fine until a couple of weeks later when I had a second panic attack and that's when the DR/DP kicked in. It's wierd though because when i was younger I think i experienced DR/DP when i was very tired, and that's how it feels now. Not only I am coping with the anxiet/panic attacks i am also dealing with the very frightening DR/DP. I am writing this now after about 1 month and a half of suffering from DR/DP and still feel as if i'm trying to understand the symptomes, Let me just describe my symptoms to everyone, just for the sake of getting it off my chest:

- I feel as if I have gone insane
- I feel as if something is glazed over my eyes and I need to clean them
- I can't seem to connect sounds with the things that made them, like if somone is speaking it's almost as if they didn't speak and what i heard was a memory and that I was remebering it. (wierd)
- I feel as if I'm under the influence of something, like i'm drunk.
- Sometimes my hands seems as if they don't belong to me
- I know I can see fine but sometimes I feels as if I have gone blind, everything looks 2D almost and what I can see is made up of a Jigsaw puzzle.
- Sometimes I feels as if the room is spinnig and that i am gently been throwing around.
- Sometimes I feel numb almost as if the DR/DP has just completely overwhelmed me and that I am no longer in control of myself and i sit there like a vegetable.
- When I am in a crowd the DR seems to get worse, it's almost as if i'm just a spectator in some stupid game.
- I sometimes have the idea that I have died and that I am remembering my life
- The people I have known for years sometimes feel like strangers, like they're not real. I once thought my Mam was just an imagination of my mind.
- I feels as if i'm going to faint or pass out, but it would be more like a white out rather than a black out. Like the DR is going to get extremely bad.
- When I look in the mirror it's almost as if someone else is looking back at me, like I am just a spirit.
- Sometimes I feel really big like I am going to get too tall for the room I am standing in, almost as if i'm growing quickily and sometimes I feel really small almost as if i'm sinking.
- I have a fear of seeing people, hearing voices liike becoming schizophrenic even though I never have. I have a strong fear of hallucanatig even though I never have.
- Sometimes I feel anxious and terrified for absoultely no reason.
- Sometimes I feel like there is no hope and that I am going to experience DR/DP for the rest of my life and I will never see things in a normal light again.
- Object appear to move, like they're breathing slightly sometimes, the floor seems to move like a swimming pool. Almost as if i'm hallucaniting and that makes me really really scared.
- I sometimes feels as if I am suddenly going to wake up from a coma or dream.
- I am constantly examining my state and how I am feeling
- Sometimes I feel as if time is not passing and chunks of time seems to dissapear, this happens often when i'm in a car, i feel as if the journey never happened, almost as if I was tele-ported from one place to the other.
- Sometimes evertthing looks really close up like it's in my face and I can't escape.

There is a lot listed above but i still only feel as if I have scrathed the surface of how I feel and that I probably haven't put my ideas accross very well. I am currently undergoing treament and on medication for my panic attacks and anxiety and my doctor has explained that the medication and treament should prevent the feelings of DR/DP. Can someone please just clarify that all the symptoms listed above are normal and that I am not going insane? Because I think that if I was to experience DR/DP for the rest of my life what would be the point in living? What would be the point of trying to cope with it everday, all the time, struggling with it. I am frightened that the Marujana has caused all of this but my doctor reassured me that it couldn't have been as I only tried it once and it was only a small amount, he seems to think it's because of stress I have lost a dear friend to solvent abuse, had to see my brother try and commit suicide numerouse times, had to cope with my dad having an affair, troubles with people at school and loadsa other crap.


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## Guest

My God, I read posts here and just wonder why Dp/DR exists.

It's pure hell. PURE hell.

I wish everybody a 100 % recovery.

Cynthia xxx


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## Guest

in a flash, i was gone
the detachment , it had dawned
my mind and body seperated
the world and me are unrelated

constant scare, and wonderment
hidden deep inside, i went
standing by myself, i see
largely, whats been forming me

fear and doubt have played a part
pushing my life back to start
obsessions, wonders, self abuse
hold me down and hold no use

get me off of this death row
before i forget all i know
where is hope ,and god ,and life
when all you feel inside is strife

in hopes someone will relate, and be relieved that they may feel the same
we arent alone. were still alive. we are strong.
god bless


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## DutchMark

To post something possitive in this thread. Besideds all the hellish experiences i've had witch DP wich have been largely named in this thread. There are moments when I find DP kind of fascinating. I sometimes feel myself mentally elevated compared to other people. And it's like i'm feeling honored by the fact i'm able to see some kind of different reality.
Don't get me wrong, i hate DP/DR! but now and then when i'm relaxed and calm i'm happy with how I am


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## Guest

Fee fi fo fum
I would like to be the positive one
Humming through life as an ignorant son

But I know the unkept secret that we cursed artists share
Pain is their muse
A terrible curse to bear
The stranger, the missing ear, the raven, the cat

Turn off the muse and have some fun
Tweedle dee doo and tweedle dee dum

Second try:

Shakespeare said we are writers on a stage
A brief flicker, some laughter and tears before our final act
Comedies turn tragic in the end
Life is short against the spanse of infinity
In comparison to the second, there are many breaths

Man and woman pull from deep within your breast to fight for immortality

Science, religion, meditation can't transcend the long arm of sheriff infinity with his all reaching tempest of elements and pointless flux

Bother not though with this negative fatalistic futility
Take a deep breath and in it maybe you will find an eternity


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## Guest

wtf? this isnt a poetry post...lol...what is dr/dp like for you????


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## Guest

Chasing the shadows
and grapping the emptiness
inside myself hide my soul
and seek life in my death

All I want is embracing the light
but it runs through my fingers 
and dissipates out in the wide...

...scattered sky,
shreds my mind
I seek comfort in lies

All that I've known,
that I thought is all wrong
who I am, what I am
where is my way
the way I walk 'long

All the bright splashes of life I awake
cut my facade and leave me in madness
my life is a fake

My spirit is soaring above all the mud
while resting on ice
in the desert of mirage and dust

I await the blue moon to arise
it strokes my breathed wounds with its glance 
and reveals all my cries...

...but I cry in vain
hide my face 
and seek comfort in pain

My mind blows its phantoms of night
in the world outside,
and darkens the light of the stars
that have shown once so bright

and all the bright splashes of life I awake
cut my facade and leave me in madness
my life is a fake


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## indiansummersky

I've become quite used to the DP/DR experience as time has passed and these days find describing it in anything but vague terms all the more difficult. Here goes anyway:

The most poignant part for me is what seems like an inability to think straight. While some of the time I follow through with whatever I need to do (e.g.: completing work, cooking dinner, tumble-drying the cat), it is when I need to be inventive or decisive (or sometimes merely intelligible) that I find I've got a head full of cotton wool, as the DP/DR cliche would have it.

In addition, feeling distant from reality is a continual experience which becomes heightened in me when I find myself in an anxious situation (most commonly when talking directly with someone while constantly worrying that any minute I'm going to run out of things to say). Furthermore, it's wholly frustrating to stare at yourself in the mirror and not even experience the wellbeing that comes from acknowledging your own existence.

If I close my eyes and try to think of myself sat at the computer, all I get is a sense of utter space, as if the physical limits of my skull are an infinity away and I'm just a tiny spirit, flitting about in a vast emptiness.

Opening my eyes again I see my hands. They appear normal and will do whatever I ask them to, but when they move it's almost like they're receiving instructions from someone else.

Looking around my room, things seem 2D and without substance, as if they could all be empty. I sometimes also see lots of floaters and occasionally see squiggly repeating patterns (which I think are due to blood vessels at the rear of the eye). Tinnitus also appeared around the time of my initial DP/DR, but I'm not sure if it's linked...

All of this may sound less vague than I'd implied at the start, but then again I look over the words and feel like they exagerrate my condition. Now that I've concentrated on something else (writing to dpselfhelp, ironically) I've already let go of the worst of it.

I'm left with an utter desperation to float back to the surface and once again feel the essence of reality, the present, shimmer against my being.


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## Guest

moving this thread to top


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## Guest

What is DP like, for me??? "Non-existant"/PSYCHOSIS... apparently...


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## Guest

i can use it to my advantage sometimes but when im really bored its a real bitch.. it trips me out wen i look at something for too long


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## Guest

I agree with Indian summer sky. I have had *this* oh three years now, but time means zilch and everything. I find it hard to describe what is going on with whatever fragment is left of me because I have become tired I suppose of trying to explain. I used to be good at discussing existence that is all I could discuss, then life goes on I suppose, the contextual life and it gets hard and the DP identity I have developed has faded too. I used to post on here all the time, back in the day under a different t name and now that I have access to a computer I may start again, but I feel like I can only talk about it so much. All i seem to be ever to say or think these days is the same old line, existence is everything and nothing because it is all we have. I have grown sad in my old age of 23. One more thing does anyone oh have trouble paying attention? I seem to have no concentration these days for anything, my mind is either rushing too much or not at all. I have trouble reading or writing, or watching movies which is what I used to do to get me through the height of what I called at the time "hyperawareness." Now if I am alone at all, I can't take conciousness to the extent of wanting it to end it right there and then.
But if I am around people it helps but I never know what to say anymore...I have run out of words....


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## Axel19

There was a young man who had dp
And spent most of his time devoid of glee
He wrote a rubbish rhyme
A total waste of time
And now he's going off for a pee

That was actually a limerick, would that be a sub type of rhyme?


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## Guest

"Now thats 10 hours sleep, which should be more than enough, but i still feel tired & knocked out."

If I have too much caffiene, or too little, have too much sleep or too little, have too much to do or too little, etc, etc. Everything regulated or POP!

I have:

patterns mixing, animation motor movements (I feel like I move as in a flip page animation), puppet arm/hand, don't recognize words that came out of my mouth, watch people move their lips- think I can't understand them and have perfectly normal conversation, environment looks like movie set, lights flashing, curly-cues in the sky, think "If I don't pay attention to my lungs I will stop breathing", think "I am on the verge of a seizure" (never had one), shadows on walls, read words thinking I don't know them, but do, head in a fish bowl, anxiety over feeling anxiety, insecure, loose ability to concentrate after a long days work, house looks like "not my own", migraine ridden (which is under control with vitamin B2 riboflavin 3-400 milligrams a day)- probably more but can't think of them now.

Some constant (visual)- some occasional (anxiety, brain perceptions) some instantaneous, some moments....For the past almost 20 years.

All this and I am a 41 yr old Mom of two, a business owner, a professional, a drug dependant (ativan 2 mgs a day on and off for anxiety, 0-2 drinks daily), ambien dependent, self-diagnosed depersonalization/derealization disordered functional person.

Whew! that felt good. Actually, I feel good right now. just a little shaky vision in my periphery- no biggy.

keeping busy so I can't notice.......Gwen


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## stickdude

kenc127 said:


> ok, what I mean by maddening is:
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> - excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
> - excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
> - anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
> - anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
> - sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
> - sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
> - sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations
> 
> This is what I mean by maddening. Things get so tough that becoming psychotic would be almost a blessing because I wouldn't have to deal with all the anxiety of the above. When my DP isn't bad, it means that some or all of the above are either absent or dissipating. As a word of encouragement, there are more good days than bad days now, whereas 2 months ago, I had 1 good day for every 5 bad ones. Hope this helps.


about the same as me. mostly excessive worry that gets to me.


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## Guest

I dont really even know if i have DP.. i dont know what i have really.. i dont even know if i have anything. I mean, im devoid of anything that could be considered a hallucination and ive never experienced madness.. but..(always a but).. this overwhelming feeling of detatchment and the analytic mindset that accompanies this is fuckin unbearable.. below ive listed some of the symptoms i've experienced in life as to maintain the point of this thread.

Symptoms:

Overly analytic mindset: which leads me down this never ending path to analyze everything, not even to an end.. just to analyze to understand to be able to piece together things into a fashionable (or often not so fashionable) picture that my rational mind can comprehend and add into its list of all things status-quo. I also deeply admire myself (narcisism?) when in this detached analytic mindset for being able to rationalize everything into a classifyable subsect of something else. Its odd how its so rapid and doesn't even require labeling, just observance. Things are just processed and stored.. and later used if it seems appropriate. Its fucking so god damned weird, but its sane.. just extreme sanity i think.

A drowning sense of futility: regardless of accomplishment or laurel. Like.. this one relates to the first one. Its like you've figured out the god awful secret about everything. Its like you've figured out that you're in the hindenburg, its going down, and despite all your efforts.. you know that you're gonna die in the flames and that there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Your rational mind, much like the square root of negative 1, can comprehend this and accept this futility, but at the same time replaces all that was once considered genuine with something faux.. something insubstantial because of futilist filter that everything is now forced to pass through. Its like the pandoras box.. or adams apple. Whatever.

The feeling of driving a truck: .. with the ability to abstract myself while driving to allow someone(something) else to drive. Its not so much that im not in control of the truck, so much that im somehow driving it without actually conciously driving. I find this similar to the descriptions of people feeling detached from their physical bodies. I just dont see "my hands".. i instead see out of two port holes (eyes) my physical embodiment which is subconciously controlled by my mind. Its frightning.

Severe anxiety regardless of threat: Like say i show up to a party with a girl.. well.. its cool as long as im communicating with people. As long as i have some sort of rational dialogue going on that engauges my rational mind im fine as fine can be. But the moment im wedged inbetween two idiots on someones couch who are talking about the "game" last weekend.. i immediately start feeling alienated, alone.. apart from the norm. This will usually snowball untill my rational mind can pimpslap me into regaining control (usually pretty easy).. and from there i can cope usually. But it requires severe detachment from people to do so .. i have to conciously accept that i am nothing like the people im around in order to actually function around them. Like i have to emulate what they are in order to become what they expect me to be so that i can communicate.. its like i got a pocket full of PCMCIA network adapters i use to interface with the world. If i try to be myself i scare people away. 

Transparency of objects: Like, if i look at say.. a car.. just by thinking about the car i begin to almost model it transparently in my head. I think of its components where they're located and its almost instantaneous that i see what could be construed as a multi-layered transparent vehicle.. accurate to my predisposed definitions of what should be there. It happens with everything, all the time, like as if my concious mind is trying to create something depthful. The surface always seems kinda 2 dimensional.. perhaps this is compensation. *shrug*

Sensitivity to white light: Flourscent lights make everything seem two dimensional and i get little white points in my feild of vision when exposed to them. Kinda feels like i become lethargic and zombified.. only like a willful zombie.. hehe. Uhm.. it happens via stadium lights at night as well. It also happens in bright sunlight.. its friggin weird.

Feeling damned alone: I feel alone almost every day. I surround myself with people.. and i am nothing like them. None of them are like me. I dont say this for the sake of vanity.. i say this because i am. I'm really afraid of never finding someone like me. It really sucks actually.. like, really sucks. People can always understand what i say to them when i break it down in rational terms.. so i know im on the same playing feild with them.. but it seems that they are all so drastically different. I mean.. all my pecerptions lead me to believe this. All my observations tell me that they are nothing like me at all, and i tend to believe them. So yeah.. sucks.

beyond that i dunno.. i lead a remotely normal life in the normal world of normal people. I just dont think im a part of their world.. im instead just a different kind of person with a different kind of perception. I'm ok with it.. because if it wasn't for this odd kinda disposition that i am forced to carry.. i would never have been privi to the world as i now know it. If i was to be asked if i ever wanted to go back to the world of the singular.. well from a setient standpoint.. man.. hell no. We are all gifted.. and as long as we know we're no longer so damned alone.. its kinda gratifying to see that ive been gifted with the ability to see the transparency in things. Nuff Said.

eDfGr33n
"yeah.. like anyones gonna read all that.. pbbt."


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## ahriman

I call *dp* -- "no-self." I seem to be living without a reference
point to a me. Strong intense feeling states move through me
and leave me shaking in their wake sometimes, but when they 
pass, that's it, nothing left, no residue, and there's no identification
with them. No embarrassment, no apologies for a self that I can't 
for the life of me experience, no compulsion to justify what comes 
out of me, which is nearly always seeming to contradict what came
before. NO consistency, except for a kind of flowing with what's 
happening right now.

There's happened a kind of freedom in this state from all
the tiresome glop of the ego.


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## ahriman

Let me add for any old timers who may remember me, this is not ahriman posting, but his lady friend, Laurie Harrington (I'm posting on his computer, it came under his name). I met ahriman on this site, and a year and a half ago we began dating. We have been living together for nearly 5 months, it is quite remarkable living with another no self!!!! We have some awesome discussions!


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## Guest

I need to meet a girl with DP. Im tired of all these shallow, one dimensional, girls.

eDfGr33n
"bleh."


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## jft

It has so bee long with these symptoms that it is hard to remember how to describe them.

Ligthing is huge. If I am in a mall, or a staff meeting or a library or a Costco I get very "zombieish". The lights seem to affect not only my vision ( blurry..see the air...foggy...bright) but other perceptions as well. When the symptoms escalate in these settings, then I begin to lose a sense of enviroment and of self (disoriented a bit) Reading is very difficult for it seems there is too much white light and the words don't "stick" on my brain anyway.

If I talk too long to someone, or if the subject is about something lofty (philosophy) I start to "lose it". It slowly regresses to the point where I may not comprehend what the other is saying and I do not know what it is I am saying. I do alot of listening and head nodding at this point. A good example of this is while talking to a therapist, in his lighted room, about symtpoms, there comes a point where I cannot describe symptoms or how I feel...I just go blank and feel like a zombie. Visually the fog is so thick in the room that I could cut it with a knife.

I can be just fine and out of the blue this all creeps in. Late in the afternoon and evening is worst. Some things trigger it more, but it comes every day regardless of what happens. I am fully normal upon waking. Anxiety seems to coexist sometimes. Caffeine worsens it. Booze makes it go away. 
I have always likened this whole experience to what I felt like while stoned on recreational drugs. It feels now like it did when I was stoned years ago.

Things that I may have been able to do well (like compute a math problem) an hour before become a laborous task when symptomatic. Spatial relations and logical reasoning are difficult to play out.

I get a strong urge to escape, to take a hot shower, to do strenous activity, to get outside in the air, to daydream, to divert, to get away from people, to find stimulation.
The fatigue is extreme, but I am restless at the same time. So strange. I then can feel the anxiety, the jitteryness, the irritableness, subdued fears and panic sensations. When it gets to an extreme level I almost feel "spastic". I used to fear seizures becasue my head and brain would feel so heavy, so full of "sand". I jsut want to sleep or get drunk...anything to get out of it.

And the next morning I am 100% fine, ready for it to come back to me at any moment and reduce my experience of normal life.
This is how my life has been for many years. I have coped, but had to alter my goals. I have happiness and enjoyment, but lots of sadness.
I am glad that I am still here becasue I have a gut feeling we are all going to be helped soon with hopefully concerted efforts by the professonial community to understand us. Things like this website are integral for this to happen. I pray that it does. And in the meantime...thanks for being here dpselfhelp.com
Jim


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## Guest

For me it's like apocalyptic. I feel like the sky is wrong, grey, or too clear. I feel an intense fear inside me, like if something's wrong and I can't find the why. Find the puzzle to be comfortable in my life.

I feel like I am in a duplicata of my environment, the connection, sens of familiarity with my surrondings, family and environment disapperared. Like a connection inmy head who is missing. Often I feel disoriented and confused even in my neibourhood. I can't grasp anything to feel OK, to feel me, safe. I feel free falling in my head.

I am more than afraid. Death is less scary. And I am infinitaly sad that nobody can help me. Faith is dead.

Cynthia


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## Guest

kenc, so much of what you have written describes how I currently feel. I know that until very recently, I had a life, hopes, dreams, ambitions - now, I just hope that each day I can "fake" my way through it without losing my job, losing my apartment,whatever - whatever may happen when I just "lose" it. I used to find such joy in life; now, I wonder if - and how - I will ever find that joy again.


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## coco33

Read MY STORY...MY SURVIVAL that might give you some idea.

What is mad you ask??? :evil:

Well its being so afraid of something, an intense fear, one like you have never experienced before and yet you dont know what it is you are afraid of. You are fully aware of everyhting that is going on around you but your senses have all been made more clear and you become suddenly aware that you are not the person you were a few seconds ago and have no power over yourself.....no control of stopping how you are feeling and not aware if you will ever return to how you were. It is as though all of a sudden you see the real world  and no-one else sees it therefore they are living in a different world and you are left feeling incredibly lonely and shut off from others...You know that you appear normal to everyone and yet you know different. Its feeling trapped inside your own body and you want to scream and get out. The fear is so great you would rather die than live with it.

I sometimes wish someone would invent a machine were someone else could feel what you are feeling as this is the only way others would understand. And believe me once they experienced it they wouldnt want to do it again.


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## skEwb

cocofox said:


> Read MY STORY...MY SURVIVAL that might give you some idea.
> 
> What is mad you ask??? :evil:
> 
> Well its being so afraid of something, an intense fear, one like you have never experienced before and yet you dont know what it is you are afraid of. You are fully aware of everyhting that is going on around you but your senses have all been made more clear and you become suddenly aware that you are not the person you were a few seconds ago and have no power over yourself.....no control of stopping how you are feeling and not aware if you will ever return to how you were. It is as though all of a sudden you see the real world  and no-one else sees it therefore they are living in a different world and you are left feeling incredibly lonely and shut off from others...You know that you appear normal to everyone and yet you know different. Its feeling trapped inside your own body and you want to scream and get out. The fear is so great you would rather die than live with it.
> 
> I sometimes wish someone would invent a machine were someone else could feel what you are feeling as this is the only way others would understand. And believe me once they experienced it they wouldnt want to do it again.


Perfectly put, the only problem I have is 1/2 of my family thinks it's just a "phase" I'm going through and the "symptoms" will go away. Makes me very upset when they question the way I am some days as I've repeadetily told them what it is..


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## skEwb

Here is how I feel:

It feels as if it's all fake, before the huge panic attack and anxiety which lasted 3 days straight. That's 3 days of going to sleep and waking up with a full body adrenaline rush. Now that all that faded away I'm left with slower vision which takes a while to catch up to things as I see them. It feels as If I'm stuck in my head and everything I see or do is not real. It makes me question reality and I've read a few books so far concerning it.

All that did was reassure that whatever controls my brain that which is concious will some day be separated from my physical body and nothing that I do here matters. The link between the two the conciousness and memories stored in the physical brain will one day separate. This is how I feel. I'm left with a doomed existance that I will be like this the rest of my life until the day that I die.

I've thought of suicide, but that clearly is not the answer as I find it rather selfish and mean to those around me who do not understand what is going on. I will patiently wait and wait, because this is what this 'disease' does it makes my days seem like 20 years per day. It lengthens time because all I do is sit around and analyze not only myself but reality in general. Before this happend to me I was perfectly happy and normal. This came out of the blue for me and I've been a lurker of this forum for quite a while before I decided to post.

I feel as if I'm forced to be inside my own head against my will and that nobody besides the people on this forum understand whats going on. Nobody seems to be able to connect with me no matter how many times I've shown them this site and threads from the forum that describe how I feel.


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## Guest

Hi Guys,

My name is Alan and i have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for many years now, 9 to be exact but it wasnt untill 2002/03 that i sarted to experience very bad DP and DR. I couldnt leave the house, i was a zombie, i didnt know wot was wrong with me bcoz i had no computer and had no idea wot was happening. I thought i was going mad, insane, i was not eating and basically my life was hell. I was always an outgoing, bubbly and a funny personality prior to my fall from normality. My world had stopped and i was trapped, i didnt even know who i was, i looked in the mirror and saw nothing but an empty, lifeless sol that was dying inside. I had a fiance and mum and dad who was devasted to see me like this but not as devastated as i was, i was gone big time, i use to sit on my sofa staring into space bcoz nothing was real to me and i had no interest in anything at all. I went to see all sorts of doctors psyciatrist, psycologist and was perscribed anti deppressents by the truck load but bcoz i am not one for stuffing chemicals my body i was reluctant to take any.

Time felt like it had stopped, and i went from a confident, funny, life and sol of the party kind of guy to a person who couldnt even brush their teeth in the morning without panicking so much i nearly died there on the spot.
I was not getting any better by just curling up and hiding away from the world so enough was enough, it was time to start fighting wotever was trying to over take me, i couldnt let it and i wouldnt let it for the sake of my family and my fiance.
I forced myself to join a gym, i forced myself to get up and be noticed in this world, i would write in a journal every night to describe my feelings and to try and get them out my system. I was scared sh*tless but i had to do it, i wanted to do it even though i didnt know wot was wrong, i was determined to get better. i started to play football again, im football mad, even though i had gone right off it i forced myself to get out there and be counted.
Slowly i felt an improvement, i would force myself to do things even though i felt gone in the head in the hope that i would snap out of it. i couldnt believe it but my feelings were coming back, i could feel the love i once felt, the humour was coming back and i was getting interested in things again.
I would still go away on holidays with the family even though it was tough but it was something i had to do if i wanted to achieve the goal i had set, i was on the mend with no meds or therapy just mind over matter and being strong. It was emensly tiring mentally and i would still feel all the feelings i had before but i could push them to the back of my mind & let my determination over power them.
I still was having trouble loooking at myself in the mirror and reconising the "old Alan" but i wasnt letting it get to me like it did before, i would never sit there & analyze things like a did, i would keep busy and keep my mind occupied.
I was enjoying life again and all the things i had missed out on, my world seemed bright after a nightmere 1 & a half years but i achieved my goal, normality and confidence. i longed for this feeling of self pride, self believe that i could do it and i did.
I moved house with my fiance and my parents and was playing good football and going to watch my team (Crystal palace) play every week, i was loving it, just being alive and being able to think clearly without these disturbing thoughts, it was heaven.

Anyway in 2004 things never worked out with the new house so we had to move back to our previous address minus my fiance bcoz of work matters, it was easier for her to live at her dads to get to work bcoz of the short distances of a 5 mins walk, i was heartbroken to be honest, she was my rock, my breath of fresh air, somebody i had relied on to pick me up when i would feel a decrease in my mood. but i was coping, i had to otherwise my nightmere could come back again, i was sad but didnt let my mood become too depressed incase of a slip up in my recovery to gaining full normality, i would still experience panic attacks and anxiety but i could deal with wot it had to throw at me. we got through the rest of the year by her staying over at weekends and seeing each other at every opportunity, we had a good christmas and still enjoyed our time even though we had separted in the living department.

2005 was gonna be a better year, it was supposed to be a better year after the 2 years of hell it could of only of got better, i was still going and playin football and even enjoying work again, i was happy but then something wasnt right again, i went for a meal with family on my birthday 23rd january but felt like death all over again, i managed to get through it and i felt better the next day and that was that, but i could feel anxiety and panic attacks were becoming more frequent but i would just try and deal with them as best as i could, febuary came and i became ill with sharp pains in my kidneys, i went to A&E and had some tests but i noticed a slight decline in my mental state, i was puzzled and lost all other again, i was freightend and was thinkng my nightmeres had come back, i was so desperate not to "go back" but i could feel the DP&DR coming back, i would cry at the thought of feeling like a zombie again, i was mentally tired, i couldnt go through all that hard work again, it was tragic, i couldnt take it again, nor could my family or fiance but it was back, them desturbing thoughts of not knowing your own mum and dad, not reconising the girl you asked to marry you, i feel detatched from the world again, i look at pics of close family and do not reconise or atleast think i do not reconise them. 
This week has felt like a life sentece, it has dragged on bcoz i have been so caught up in my mind i have not been able to feel life any more, the DR feels even stronger but it probably isnt, its tough to take but i gotta take it, i know i have come through this before without any meds or therapy and i know i can come through this again. But i forget how scary this really is and how hard it is get up and go, how hard is it when you cant feel life anymore, having to remind yourself that you are here and that you are alive. Being able to deal with everyday things i would of took in my stride with ease 6 months ago. Its freightning to say the least but i have defeated this before and i can defeat this again, i am in control even though i dont feel like it, i can win and it can be beat but this time its gonna be for good.

I am even more determined to beat it this time bcoz i know how wonderful life is without this mind crippling experience.
Remember guys, IT CAN BE BEAT, I DID BEAT IT ONCE AND WILL BEAT IT AGAIN.

Dont stop believing, and dont give up. Everytime you get a funny or disturbing thought say to yourself, its only a sensation, i can and will control you, i wont be beat, i cant be beat.

Sorry for the longness of this story

GoodLuck in your recovery, its gonna be tough and tiring mentally but you can do it.

Regards,
Alan


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## agentcooper

i'm a 26 yr old girl and i've been suffering with dp/dr since i was about 21...here's my story:

I experienced dp/dr for the first time when i was 20/21. i was taking ortho tricyclin and allegra d and i think that was the trigger. i have heard of other people who have had depersonalization for extended periods of time after taking allegra d (the allergy medicine). i think my dp/dr is related to my hormones and the ortho tricyclin messed them up...anyway, after taking the combo of those two prescription drugs i was in a constant state of severe depersonalization/derealization for 8 months straight. here were the symptoms...i'll try my best to describe them (you guys know how hard it is to describe symptoms):
-a feeling of looking through my own eyes (not really being in control)
-time lapses (time would get kind of jerky or twitchy)
-feeling that my mind was going to snap at any moment unless i kept complete control of it.
-distances would look weird
-in the really extreme times, faces would look strange...eyes would kind of look like they were floating in front of the peoples faces and things like that (that's not exactly how it was because it wasn't a hallucination...it was more like i couldn't process what i was seeing)
-really panicky and anxious at times
-any florescent lights would make it 10 times worse and i could hardly go grocery shopping.
-sounds would be really loud...especially my own voice. it would echo in my head sometimes

All of this extremely severe dp/dr lasted for 8 months during which time i dropped out of school, lost one job, and moved to seattle for a time. i got better slowly and in a couple of years it was hard to remember what being depersonalized even felt like. I remembered that it was one of the scariest things i ever went through, but i didn't remember why...

for the last year or so i have been having some mild to moderate dp/dr flashes. it isn't constant and not all of the symptoms are being displayed. i think it's mostly derealization and panic, actually...it happens more during certain times of the month (pointing to hormonal causes once again)...and certainly is affected by the amount of sleep i get. it is so horrible that i am dealing with this again after years of being fine...i don't know what to do.

i'm currently trying to take hormones to regulate endometriosis and i'm hoping that if i can get them balanced, my dp/dr will go away...

i'm so glad there is a support for me, though...no one really seems to understand what is going on with me..i have awesome and supportive friends and family but they don't really know what its like...

so that's my story...quite a doozy...any similarities between mine and yours, anyone?


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## Guest

wow, how weird it is to read all these storys that I can relate to.
So glad I have finally found a place like this 

Anyway for me some times tend to be worse than others. Sometimes its just a zoning out, where it feels like i am looking through a tunnel, where things just filter through me but im not really home.

Other times its worse I find myself doing scary dangerous things like im the third person. The real me is like a uniterested observer. Kind of like having a tv show on because your bored and theres nothing better on.
Or I will feel like ive been set down on a stage.Or everything will seem in sharper focus the grass extra green etc.
This is all so new to me I dont even know if this makes any sense to anyone else. Untill yesterday its allways been an issue ive danced around.


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## Jojo

Ok so this is my first real post altough Ive been reading peoples stories and stuff for a couple of weeks now. I have had DP/DR for 4 years now but have only known what it is for about a year!! I have found it so hard trying to describe how I feel to docs that I have kindof given up!!It is so frustrating, after trying to describe my symptons my advice has been to sigh less, to take more sugar to eat more, to take ADs to take vitC's just a load of crap really!!!

The worst part is my job!! Im a teacher which Ive trained really hard for and spent a lot of money to try and get where I am now!! DR (I think Ive got more of that than DP) has messed things up and Im at the point where I feel I can no longer carry on with it because I cannot even focus on the children in my class, (physically - ie I look at them and feel like Im looking at a photo, I speak to them and hear my own voice echoing!!) I can't even begin to explain hiw frustrating it is but I know you must all know!!! so I wont go in to it!! I recently got signed off work for a week as I broke down in tears in front of my class because of DR/DP but everyone thinks its work related stress and that Ill get over it!! Feel like that'll never happen!!

Can you imagine 30 6 and 7 year olds sat in front of you, waiting for you to inspire them when you've got really bad DR/DP!! Really really bad! I can't even explain it to the people I work wiith!!!

The worst thing is, my best mate notices and keeps saying ' I hope you feel better soon cos you are not the person I knew!!' I konw Ill never be the person she knew because of this shite!!

Well Im a bit tipsy tonight so Ive had the courage to write!! Next time I might make a bit more sense!! Those people on for a UK DP meet, Im up for it if Im welcome!! am quite shy, you may have noticed but really would love to meet people in the same boat,

Jo xx


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## Guest

Hi all,

I'm 25 years old and get depersonalization once and a while. This sh*t is so scary though that I have consistant anxiety about it. Typically when I get it, I feel like I am the only soul in the universe and I've actually created everything around me, my family, friends, the earth itself. It was even scarier before I came across this site and read exactly what I have experienced. Even this site though seems unreal to me, like I must have dreamed it up. Crazy I know...but so real at the same time. Any tips from other sufferers?

Thanks, 
P.
Calgary


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## Guest

For me DP/DR is death of my soul and all the things that I used to be bofore its onset 5 years ago. I see the world though imaginary swimming goggles and almost cant function as a human. The depression and feeling of alienation is profound. I have been through a horrendous divorce from my wife and lost everything i had. But, I`m still here. Like many of you I became a total hypercondriac thinking I had everything from a brain tumour to syphilis. I will not bow out because of my sons, who i love. i just pray that this nightmare will end one day. I don`t know if I have dissociative identity disorder or Depersonalisation disorder, but what ever it is, it really sucks. It is practically impossible to explain this to anyone, so I live in a world of lies to cover up for my illness.

I pray for you all

Andy


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## Guest

I am in a deep mass of depression--like always. I was diagnosed with OCPD/OCD... Whatever! Somehow someone indicated there is a difference but I don't know what it is. I was told at one point that some of the "things" I suffer from are "normal" for people with OCPD/OCD. But I have never found them listed anywhere on anything to do with OCPD/OCD on the net, so I am in doubt. That is what led me to trying to find answers elsewhere, and here I am... My alternative mental occurrences are:
Don't recognize myself in mirrors.
Don't recognize myself in photographs.
Every day life is just like I am the person behind a camera lens recording what is happening all around me, like I am doing this so that a report can be made for some other entity somewhere.
When my mind is running amuck and totally out of control, or when I am under extreme stress, I can feel every single emotion that would be associated with the mini-movie that is real as real can be running in the back of my mind. Example: Everything seems okay on the outside, but thoughts are galloping along at 90mph with no control at all. I lean over and hug my husband while in the back of my mind I can see, hear, and feel every motion and emotion connected with the movie I see of myself stabbing my husband in the back over and over again with a screwdriver.
Ever since I found out about Depersonalization (Day before yesterday.) I have been in a self-hating syndrome and having problems getting to sleep... Ha! Doesn't matter, I guess, cause it's either sleep 24 hours day in and day out or stay awake for 72 hours.... Anyway, the last couple of nights I have had this mini-movie running off and on in my brain where I take several razor blades and continously slice through the layers of my face until they peel off my skull.... No one could ever tell from looking at me that anything is going on.
With the OCPD/OCD I count everything and everything... Sometimes while the little extra movie is running in the background.  I think my smoking habit is connected to the OCPD/OCD, but I'm not sure...
I have also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and Agoraphobia... 
Because I was molested as a child, I know I have my own PTSD to deal with, plus secondary PTSD from my husband who is a disabled Viet Nam Veteran. I wonder what else will turn up in the future?...
With the Borderline Personality Disorder and a complete aversion to groups of people, I have panic attacks. HA! I just discovered via the internet that a panic attack is NOT just hyperventilation, as I thought it was... All these years when I was in a public restaurant and if a child starts screaming, I start puking, I just thought I was nervous... All these years when I started quaking with the shakes when a preacher started preaching, or someone started talking about religion in any manner whatsoever, I thought I just couldn't stand religion---so what? All these years I started shaking when I had to be in a group of people, I thought I just hated crowds.... Well all of the thoughts ARE true, but Guess What Donna?, They are Panic Attacks!!!
I have not been to ANY counseling sessions for over 6 years. I have fired 6 psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors since 1983. All they did was sit and stare at me, or play with things on their desks, and tell me they were tired of hearing about "such and such"... Or they wanted me to accept God as my Savior and let Him take over my cares! BULLSHIT!!! All that did was start the shaking and quaking!! So don't even go there.
I will never learn anything from any counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist if the last bunch are "good" examples of their profession. I have learned more about myself from reading and having access to the internet the last 5 years... 
I was on Prozac for several years until it made me start to stutter. Then they switched me to Zoloft, which was as severe in the stuttering category, but made my jaws lock shut periodically--Although no one could tell it from looking or talking to me, I sure could. I was changed to Wellbutrin and developed a rash. Now I am on Effexor and am having real problems not only thinking, concentrating, but with uncontrolled sleeping bouts. I don't like myself on or off meds. Off meds, I am a violent extremely defensive human. On meds, I am lax about caring about doing anything and have a dull mentality in comparison to what I usually was... Unless I smoke like a steam engine, then I get a lot done, but then I can't sleep for almost 24 hours...
These periods of self-loathing and severe depression come and go a lot in my life, so I know if I decided to hang around a little longer they will just fade for a while and the smoking Mama will get back to painting and cleaning house---maybe. Over the past ten months or so, they seem to have been getting worse. I care less about doing anything--can't even get energy enough up to clean house---I just don't care.
What am I????


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## Guest

It's like I am not really living and I am disconnected from myself, searching for the way back. I am unintegrated and don't feel like a whole person. Sometimes I don't knoew what "reality" is or if I am part of it and I am so often dissociated from the moment and my body and you know it 's like I'm not full parts of me are misplaced or something. Sometimes I feel like have a person. Sometimes I feel that the real me is separate from my movement in the world we live in. like i am a character of me playing the game of survival. The me has limited opportunities for involvement because she is only out at the right times. I am sad and scared about life if it wasn't for supportive people in self help grroups and forums :roll: I'd be lost. :roll:


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## Guest

It's like a state of exile, of living in a prison, or a dream that I can't wake up from except at moments and then I fall back into it. :shock: Nikki


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## Guest

First of all, let me say that I am so thankful for this board.

For me, my DP symptoms have been:

- feeling like a ghost
- feeling like I'm not thinking before I talk or act
- feeling like I'm a trance
- feeling like I'm going crazy
- not crying about things that I probably should cry about (emotionally numb)

It's crazy because I have been feeling like this for years and I really thought that everyone must feel like this. But, a recent traumatic experience made my DO worse and that's when I started looking into my symptoms and I started therapy. I feel like I'm on the road to feeling "normal again". I'm optimistic.


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## ShyTiger

Dp & Dr symptoms i experience:

*Knowing who i am but not "feeling"who iam.
*Feeling cut off from my self-know i'm there somewhere but can't seem to connect with myself.
*Being a passenger in my body.It's on auto pilot and im trapped in it for the ride.
*Not feeling like my body is mine-look at my hands/legs ect and not feeling like they belong to me.
*One way feeling-If my hand is on my leg- my hand feels the leg or my leg feels the hand but not both sensations at the same time.
*My body moves but i don't feel like it's me moving it.
*Feeling like a shell of a being.
*Empty but sometimes too full.
*Cut off from emotions-don't feel them.
*Don't recognise my voice-is as if someone else is talking.
*Feeling like im not thinking b4 i speak or move(elle's quote)
*When i want to speak my brain does not say whats in my head i just can't speak or i jumble everything.
*Feeling like im looking at things behind a window.
*Surroundings look unreal. Artificial
*Surrondings look too bright.Too real.
*The more familiar a thing the more alien it looks.
*Visual sensory overload-Objects become too bright and backgrounds go dark.Too many colours bombarding my brain.
*Stars, photo flash & lightening bolts.
*Audio sensory overload-Sounds become too loud.All jumble up like a crowded room in my head.Can't focus on just one sound it all just becomes noise.
*Some smells become too overwhelming and make me feel sick.
*Taste goes away.
*Unsure what the purpose of things are-like eating, sleeping.
*Don't recognise people i know.
*Don't know who i am supposed to be around the people i know.
*Feel like i get big or small.
*Feel like the ground is moving.
*Feel like legs are hollow.
*Tactile defensiveness-Can't stand to be touched as when i am all i can feel is that part being touched-like im hyperaware of it.Then the rest of me dissapears.
*Don't relate to my name-does not feel like mine.
*Disorientation-feels like i dont know where rooms are in relation to one another in a familiar house.
*Familiar things look so unfamiliar i don't know where i am.
*Things switch around-like ill think the lounge room is where the kitchen is.

Panic symptoms
*Thoughts of impending doom.
*Thoughts that im going crazy. And what does that mean anyway to be crazy?
*Hyperventalating.
*Shaking
*Heart flutters-im going to have a heart attack!
*Constant scanning of my environment for any sighns of danger.
*A feeling of i need to get out of here.
*Surge attacks-where i feel like a electrical current has been put through my body.

Secondary cond-Agorphobia
*not wanting to go outside for fear it may trigger a dp/dp episode or panic att.
*The further i go from home the more severe anxiety gets-Feel trapped being outside.Trapped by the distance and the time it will take to get home.

Depression
*Loss of interest in activities-i think cause it takes so much effort to do the simplist of things.
*Not wanting to exist-not wanting to be alive but not wanting to be dead.
*Frustration turned inward or unresolved triggers my depression.

Triggers
*Speaking
*Overcast days or fading light.
*White light
*Noisy places
*Crowded places
*Driving
*Not eating/drop in blood sugar
*Not sleeping or sleping too much.
*Reading
*Confontation
*Being run down/stressed/pms
*Sometimes no trigger that i know of!
Some symptoms contradict others but still occurs. I don't have all the symptoms all the time but swapps and changes.When severe then most happen.
Wow-will i regret posting all this??? I am scared putting all this out there! :roll:
F*#@ it! i'm pressing submit! :shock:


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## mulder

I feel I have only got DR, not DP, and for me it's like this...

First major thing I noticed was that life looks like a dream, like I'm looking at it through a window, or it's on a film - pretty standard symptom this, and at it's worst I get a grey mist covering everything, a bit like just before you faint if you've ever fainted. Things look 2D sometimes, and bright natural light makes things a bit hazy, although I don't get the problems with artificial light like some people here do.

I feel light headed a bit, and if I laugh then I sometimes feel really dizzy. Lately I've had 2 days where I felt dizzy all day long. Sometimes I feel a bit spongey or suspended in air when walking down a street.

Numbed emotions, and lack of interest in long term hobbies - for me this is music, I can't connect to it any more. New pieces of music don't make much of an impression on me, good or bad, they all seem like average tunes to me. This effect started slowly and grew to full dis-interest over about 6 months. I got interested in other hobbies, but now I'm not feeling as enthusiastic about them either, I think this is more anxiety or depression though.

Really tired, can't stay out at clubs without feeling hung over the next day, although I've stopped drinking! I can stay up at home, without such bad effects, in fact I feel more awake at night than during the day mostly.

I can't wake up easily, and when I wake up my vision is really bad, jerky, fuzzy, for about 1hr to 2hrs.

Changes in the weather affect my mood for the worse, and make me feel physically worse too. Right now, the hotter weather is making things worse, probably only until I've got used to it though, then I'll get slightly better as the months go on to autumn.

Confusion, not knowing what I'm doing, think I might suddenly do something unusual, possibly obscene, in public, or walk into the road and get killed by accident. Hard to concentrate, couldn't make a cup of tea for the first 2 weeks of having DR.

I can't imagine doing a lot of things, that would've been everyday things a couple of years back. It's even harder to imagine things that would be unusual. Can't imagine kissing somebody, or being intimate. Can't imagine driving a car. Can't imagine DJing in a club like I used to do. I feel like I need to do these things maybe, to help me feel real again, however, I have tried DJing in this condition, and it didn't feel real still.

Couldn't look people in the face for a while, still find it difficult.

Hard to seperate sounds when there is a lot of background noise.

I have had feelings in my head, early on, that something burst in my brain, and I felt more confused after those moments. I felt it swell and pop.

DR seems less obvious when enjoying myself, having a laugh with mates in the pub for example, but I still know it's there in the background, and it returns the moment I get up to leave the pub and go home.


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## Guest

kenc127 said:


> ok, what I mean by maddening is:
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen


I excessively worry about a lot of things, mainly my car because there's always something wrong and my future because I have none and I don't know what to do with my life.

I can also relate to what I've so-far red about thinking in circles about life, death, existence, meaning of life kind of stuff, or that there is no meaning, that this is a punnishment... sorry but I go off on tangents.

Like I said in my little intro post, I didn't even know that this was a real condition or anything. I really thought I was just too far different from everyone in the world. I always thought that this is just who I am, that I was far deeper of a person mentally and emotionally than humans were ever meant to be. So living my whole life this way, I can't really hate it or wish it away. Sure it's easy to sometimes wish I were just normal, that I was as uncaring and unfeeling as everyone else so that I just believed that your little job, home, car and kids are the pinnacle of human existence and I wouldn't have to worry about what what I think or feel ebcuase I'd enver think or feel anything. And you know what, I'm normally extremely reserved, I'd never blurt out my thoughts like this, but maybe for once people will understand instead of just jump my case about being too negative or unwilling to conform to society and 'just be like everybody else'. But back to what I was saying, yeah, I can't really wish it would go away because I am this deep, philosophical type, that's what I've always thought of myself, I don't think I would really want to just be a mindless tool that doesn't think deeply about these things that really matter.


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## Guest

dalailama15 said:


> I smoked pot probably 50 times or so over a three or four year period (and this before most of you were born). Not that much, compared to most of my peers. Towards the end, I believe I realized the absolute truth of my own existence, and from this I have never recovered.
> 
> 
> 
> f--- this sh*t I just can't take it any more.
> 
> (of couse I can take it. I always have. Taking it is all I have ever been.)
Click to expand...

Is it really that bad for everyone? Sure, it makes life hell to know the truth, but isn't it better to know the truth than to live in ignorance like the masses? I can understand though, it's nearly impossible to fit into this world, and if that's what you really want, then I understand. It's hard for me too, I'm still trying to come up with some other alternative.


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## Guest

Karine_ said:


> -Feeling Im outside of this life, seeing people do their stuff, and me is an outsider looking at it, without feeling I take part in it (but realizing at the same time I do, which is very freaky, wanting desperately to go to the 'other side', but realizing it is not possible).
> -In sum I guess you could say I feel totally estranged from me and my surroundings, although to others I look normal.
> -Memory is a problem, I have to do lots of thinking in order to recall past events. Memories are fragmented and not linear, all jumbled.


Yeah, I feel that too. What made a friend of mine tell me to look up dp in the first place was because I told her that most of the time when I drive, I feel like it's not really me,t hat it can't really be me, like it's not really my car, like it's not really happening. I didn't think it was anything other than just the fact that I thought I'd never in my entire life drive or have a car, because my parents didn't let me learn to drive and I've always been too poor to get a car. So I just thought that's all it was, just me feeling completely weirded out about it because I was always told that I'm too stupid, too irresponsible, too much of an idiot to drive or any of the other normal adult and grown up things they always said I could never do.


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## odin

hey i m just wondering if there is a link between dp/dr and playing a lot of video games throughout your whole life?


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## Guest

I mainly have DR and a bit of DP. I got it from smoking pot on and off for 4 years. Its been very frustrating because every therapist i saw said it was just depression and i always knew that there was something else wrong because life felt so weird. the only time i would feel alive was when i smoked pot and i kept doing it on and off because it was the only relief i was getting. Finally i have stopped smoking. its been almost 4 months. For me, i feel like im looking at everything through a glass. i feel like theres a beast living inside me and i cant get it out. sometimes deep down inside im feeling happy but when i look at myself in the mirror i see someone else, someone who has no expression. people give me weird looks because its hard for me to fake a smile when i see a friend or someone and they start thinking im mad at them or something. in the past ive complained to family so much about there being something physically wrong with me because at that time i had no clue what DR is. Now that i know about DR and DP, when i tell my family about it, it seems like they r just thinking that this is another thing im just worrying about. but i really have it! i feel all alone. thank god for this website. its so hard to concentrate. im a university student and i feel like such a zombie in class and whenever i make eye contact with the prof i start to feel all paranoid and sometimes i feel like the prof thinks im weird. i feel your pain everyone.


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## squish_is_me

I posted this on a diff board before I found this one. Sound familiar anyone?
Ever since I got preggie I didnt feel right! I was told I had anxiety and was pretty sure I had panic attacks. Well, I kept telling myself it would get better and go away. Well for the most part it did.(I am 4 1/2mo post partum) I still have high stress days though. The thing is now I feel sorta nuts. Like I feel like I am not entirely with it! Like there is a part of me that does stuff and a part of me that wonders if I am crazy all the time!? Not that I really do anything that is crazy... I just have begun wondering alot ... sigh I cant really explain it. I feel like I act and am normal but I fear that I am not... like in my head I am always second guessing myself!? Not really even sure why? I am not sure if maybe this could be the begining sins of some disorder or if I truely am just paranoid and anxiety ridden? I am almost even wondering if maybe I still have the anxiety and possibly I am freaking out about being nuts cuz my mom is and I have been dealing witht that alot and my deep fear of being her is manifesting itself as my anxiety about it?
Sigh I dunno... I think I am gonna go talk to someone, but I was just wondering if anyone has ever felt this way or has maybe know someone who has? I feel sorta nuts here so just trying to figure this out.

When I was pregnant and talking on here about my anxiety it seemed like so few people could relate! I had some crazy panic attacks at the very begining of my pregnancy. At least that is what I think they were. I got this very cerial (sp?) feeling like everything was a play happening around me and I was a part of it but not really. I had explained this once before and compared the feeling to coming down off acid. Most the ladies I talk to on another message board couldnt relate to that one, dont know if any of you can? I hated it. I dont like feeling drugged and out of it when I am not wanting it. When I did acid it was a choice this is something hapening without me wanting it!
The more I talk to you all and the more I think about my life I think that quite possibly I did have some attacks before and didnt know it because they happened when I was high and I thought it was drug induced issues and now I am begining to think I was wrong.
Certain days... like all sday yesterday and this morning I get that cerial feeling. It is like I am living my life but ... in a different reality. Like my anxiety days I live in ... i dunno anxiety land and the rest of the time I live in the real world! This morning I felt so out of it I almost seriously wondered if I was still dreaming once I got up! This is my biggest issue! Like you ladies said I feel outside of myself, detached somehow, and I hate it! I cant stand feeling like I am a shell of myself! It is horrible! 
I have come to see I have noticeable patterns of anxiety. A daily pattern where I usually start out pretty ok and through the day I get worse till I peak out feeling sorta wacked around 3 or 4 and eventually peters out and I am back to normal. On a monthly basis the same thing happens. The wacked out feeling and anxiety get worse and worse day by day till finally I have a day like yesterday and I feel totally out of it and I freak! Then it peters out over some days and I am back at square one.
feeling nuts... I dont even know. It is like I say and do things, live my life and all the while walk around occasionally saying to myself:"was that a crazy thing to do" "Was that wrong" "is that something inapropriate I just said" "is it ok to think this way" "am I acting like my mom" "am I being as nuts as her" the worst one... "am I so nuts, like my mom, that I cant even realize it" ... wait I lied I think this is the worst of all... I have this very strange fear that like I will one day come to realize that everything I know is wrong! Like this anxiety gives me this feeling like the world isnt real and it is so freaky that is sooo scares me that one day I will come to find that my worlds seems unreal because it is. Like I am one of those delusional people that live in a reality that isnt real. I know that must sound totally freaking insane but it is true!


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## Guest

Hey everyone:

I just found this website because quite personally I am tired of dealing with this DP/DR alone. I'm 22 and I have had anxiety problems all my life. When I was 18 I had a major depressive episode, but after that I was fine until this year. I am actually a business and political science univeristy student and before my dp/dr I was a fully functional adult, I had friends and a boyfriend, a job, and pretty good grades. I loved public speaking, playing golf, and life in general. I also have a cat, which is prolly the start of the problem. The thing was I was allergic to the cat and had to take anti-histamines all last summer. I remember my first DR sensation, I was reading a Harry Potter book and for some reason my anxiety just sky-rocketed, I felt as if I was in danger and I lost control of myself, luckily this sensation only lasted about a couple of hours. My next attack was two months later in August when I was at my summer job, I just had the strange feeling as if nothing was familar and I again I felt this overwhelming sense of danger. Again this attack only lasted a few hours. I would also like to add that a few days before the second attack i watched a hostage taking occur on my way to work, this was in Toronto, Canada where I'm from. Unfortunately, my anxiety level was still a little heightned after that and only increased when I had to drive across the country to St. John's. I just remember being extrenly worried that I was going to get into an accident and get killed, and the whole trip I could hardly sleep. By the time I got home I was so tired I couldn't sleep and went for a few days on pure adrenaline. Anyways, I then started to get really week and would have episodes where I felt like I was going to pass out. I became dizzy and then my anxiety sky-rocketed again and I was sure I was going to die, I was ocnvinced that i had a brain tumour, and then when I could relax for a few seconds my mind would wander somewhere else I would start to think about the next disease that I was going to die from. THis went on for a bout a month and for that month I barely slept and I ate very little, so little that I developed severe anemia, it took al my energy just to breathe. It was a month and a half before I got into see a pyschiatrist and they didn't know what to do with me. I had so many different symptoms, I couldn't walk or swallow very well, I could barely talk, and I felt so ill, everything hurt. My mind wouldn't let me relax for a minute and I began to get extremly painful headaches. I had every kind of test done, MRI on my brain, an EEG, blood work up the yin yang. THe doctor's could not find a thing wrong. In the mean time the pychs had given me some sleeping pills ( they were not going to give me anything else until they knew it wasn't something physical) anyways the sleeping pills made me feel so much better, so I became addicted to those and started taking them in the daytime. I eventually got off them and went through painful withdrawl. I completly lost myself, I had no ambition, no desire, no peace, and definetly no sense of self. By the time Christmas came around I was a mess, and didn't know if I was going to ever make it out. THe doctor's tried me on Paxil, which didn't work, and then they put me on Respiradol, convinced that it would get rid of my delusions that something was wrong with me (by this time I was convinced that I had mad cow disease and that I was getting dementia). NONE OF THIS WORKED. In January I came back to St. John's to go back to school and I was in a bad state, I wanted to be committed to hospital, but the doctor's thought it would be better for me to stay at home. I began to feel more and more detached from myself, and I had crazy dreams that would haunt me in the daytime. Again I started to have toruble sleeping. Eventually i ended up ina clinic where people can go to see a psych right away, I seriously didn't have the energy to fight anymore I begged them to help me. I thought I was going to lose my mind, nothing felt familiar, I knew my relatives, but I didn't feel anything for them, I felt like I was five feet behind my body, my head felt empty, I seriously thought I was going to kill myself because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Luckily, at this clinic I got help from some great doctor's who are still with me, it's only been four months but I feel stronger everyday ( I still have plenty of bad days though). My biggest fear is that I will never get back to the way I was and sometimes I just really really want to give up, but somehow I find the strength. I wish I could worry about simple things like my thighs and school work, instead of all the time worrying that the world is not real, or being freaked out by my own body because it feels so foreign, or being freaked out by other people because they look so strange to me. I was reading someone else's posting who feared that they were going to have premanent brain damage, and that was one of my fear's as well, but I sometimes feel myself coming back, so I am hoping that eventually i will be A-OKAY again. One more thing that I should mention is that my mom had mental illness too and she disappeared one day and we haven't seen her since, we believe that she killed herself by drowning herself in the ocean. This happend when Iwas entering in my third year of University and you can imagine the stress I have felt since then. Another thing is that I feel really down because I was supposed to graduate this may and now I am a year behind. This really bothers me because I was always did erll in school and now I fell like a bog failure all of the time. It is so hard to try and beat this illness.


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## Guest

I've only just found this site and it feels like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders already. To read other people explaining the same symptoms as me (DP) helps me understand that I'm not dying of a brain tumour or anything (I did have this worry because everything has just got so progressively weird.)

How did it start.... Well, i was smoking weed just after my 15th birthday on a park bench (nothing new, i'd been a stoner for a while) then bam, something clicked. I left my body and watched myself and my friends from outside. Reaction? I f***ing flipped. Went absolutely derranged for a few hours then calmed down. Things were ok again in the morning. Then, later at crimbo, I suddenly started having panic attacks to the extent here i was throwing up. Being so young (I feel way older than my age now) I couldnt understand what was happening. I kept having 'episodes' where I'd keep 'fuzzing' out, losing conciousness but still being awake, everthing distorted. I tunred into a depressed zombie for like 6 months, have no idea how i got my gcse's. Then i clicked back. Everythin was cool.

Then.... shortly after my 18th birthday things started gettign worse. They got worse, and worse, and worse. Again, i have no idea how i got my a-levels, but i did. When i was writing my exams, i wasnt actually writing them. I think my subconcious somehow helped out and did them for me. I was a f****in wreck conciously. So bad i got drunk for my final exmas to hlp me get through. A real gamble, and other kids thought i was a 'legend' for doing it but they didnt know the real reason. Anyways, things still werent that bad because i still sort of knew i was there.

But here we are now. I've just finished my 1st year exams at bristol uni got by by popping diazepam before each one. Should be lookign at 2:1's across the board fingers crossed. Not really through any intelligence just the fact i have a very good memory.

The last 6 months though have been hell. A living hell. Somethig clicked again one night and i just 'lost' my identity. No idea how but its gone. Dont know who this is thats typing. I look back on stuff ive written, memories of the past and its someone else that did them. I look at my parents and they're like strangers even though i *know* they have to be my paretns.
It doesnt add up. I feel like im not completely in my body. Like my hands and arms are feathery. People ask me questions and i answer but have no idea who's answer it is or whoes opinion is being expressed. I cry lots and just feel depressed all the time now. its ruining my life. I dont have the courage to do anythig anymore because ive lost my essence.

Its had such a profoubnd effect on me that im going to switch courses and try to become a clinical psychologist. I want to destroy this condition and help ayone else that feels the way i do.

I'm not on any drugs at the moment. The diazepam didnt help, the feelings were stil there even though i was calm. I really fucked up because i wasnt being completely honest with my family gp. He said he thought i had petit mal epilepsy. Yeah right. My own fault, but he should have realised my story wasnt addign up.

About a month ago, i finally snapped and went to see my student gp. Told him everythhing and i got an instant referral to a psychiatrist. She was great and really looks like she can help but im stuck becuase im having to wait for an MRI so they can finally cut off the epilepsy end. The only possibility now is temporal lobe epilepsy. And true, whilst you can get Dp symptoms from this, it shouldnt make it happen 24hrs a day. Nor do i get the little 'epiphanies' you are supposed to get before an attack. I dont get attacks. It's constant fucking madness.

Hopefully im then going to get diagnosed for what this really is. Hopefully ill get pills that will help me. Hopefully.

I'm sorry to rant for such a long time, but this has helped sharing.

Thank you,

Steven


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## Guest

odin said:


> hey i m just wondering if there is a link between dp/dr and playing a lot of video games throughout your whole life?


Hi,
Lol, its so funny. I've been thinking the same thing! I also blame television as well. I think that thigns liek that are so engrossing and suck you in to the extent where you do start to lose yourself. Cinemas make me feel worse than ever and i dont go to them anymore. It's just a shame that tv is so damn addictive!!

I've had this little idea in my head that the only way to cure myself is to go live out in the wilderness on my own for 6 months. The only probelem is that im such a nervous wreck id never make it at them moment.


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## Guest

Hey Perudbo

I totally get the way you're feeling, I too felt like Ihad never lived dmy life before, and that my parents looked weird and stuff. I also had all of the necessaries done, MRI and and EEG to ensure there was no tumour or epilepsy, and there wasn't. I really don't know what I can say to comfort you, but my dp has gotten a little bit better, and it continues to do so everyday, its just finding the right combo for you. I doubt that going into the wilderness will help, it seems like just running away. I find that exercise can help a little bit.


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## kadmon

Hi,
I'm new to this board, but I've been experiencing symptoms which I think are DP/DR for about 2 years. It started while weight training. I was really pushing hard on the leg press, and when I got up, things were strange. Since then, I will experience hours, or days of normalcy, followed by episodes of tingling, worry, distancing from reality. Assorted physical symptoms that made me worry about possible aneurysms, vascular disorders, heart problems, brain tumors, endocrine problems, etc. etc. I had blood tests, a CT scan, an MRI, and a cardioscan. All were negative. Yet, I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling fine, and then at some point during the day, I will get a strange taste in my mouth, I will feel myself start to lose it, I may even feel like I'm slurring words, misspelling things, forgetting things, having a stroke, a heart attack, and it usually occurs (a) in the afternoon evening, or (b) after exercise. 
I had 8 days of relief last month. It was wonderful. I felt like me again.


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## Guest

These are all good definitions. Am I the only one who has had the feeling that "everyone knows something I don't." For example, I can be in a room full of friends and suddenly feel like everyone is in on a big joke with me as the punch line. At this point I'm flooded with fear because it feels like I'm looking at my friends for the very first time..... like they've been in on this lie the whole time, and our friendship was just a means to gain my trust, causing me to let my guard down.

No?

Maybe it's just me......


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## Shadow Cat

fortwayne29 said:


> These are all good definitions. Am I the only one who has had the feeling that "everyone knows something I don't." For example, I can be in a room full of friends and suddenly feel like everyone is in on a big joke with me as the punch line. At this point I'm flooded with fear because it feels like I'm looking at my friends for the very first time..... like they've been in on this lie the whole time, and our friendship was just a means to gain my trust, causing me to let my guard down.
> 
> No?
> 
> Maybe it's just me......


I think that falls under social phobia, not depersonalization.


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## Guest

It felt to me like i was a spectator in my own mind with no control of my thoughts. It makes me really emotional as in i've been crying for no reason at all. It leaves me with a feeling of anxiety that i just can't shake. My sex drive feels like it's broken but only when i'm in that anxiety state, otherwise i have no problems. I felt like i was going crazy and that i just wanted to curl up and go to sleep and forget the world. Pls i just started having these symptoms yesterday June 14 2005, and i'm scared and somewhat alone cause the people around can't understand what i mean. Also has anyone else suffered from not being hungry? The distortion thing that everyone talks about happened to me too cause my GF's face was all distorted while high and having these symptoms hit hard for the first time. This is an extremely unsettling experience and i just hope i caught it soon enough that if i stop smoking pot it will just leave me be as so many people have said before.


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## Guest

How it started: a couple days after a weekend of binge-partying i woke up "numb", wich, at the time, i thought was a purely physical symtpom. I freaked out and went to ER and told the doctor "my body is numb all over". he said "that doesn't happen unless you hyperventalate." and i said "well apparently it does" and he sent me home. Since that day life has been hell.

The symptoms:
the world seems to shimmer as if i am having a migraine
i feel like i am very far away from what i am seeing. sort of tunnel vision.
moving things leave trails.
my body is still "numb" yet i can feel things. it's like it is not my body.
i am, and actually always have been a hypocondriac.
i obsessive compulsively look in the oven, the microwave, the dishwasher, the refridgerator, and the washing machine to make sure my cat isn't inside. this may seem unrelated to dp/dr but i only started doing it after i got dp/dr.
if i look at, say, i tree i can't distinguish the leaves from one another. it's too much information for my mind to comprehend.

What it's like: It sucks. Before i got dp/dr i had an eating disorder and was an alcoholic but i'd pretty much stopped all that and now when i start freaking out, all i can do is drink or throw up, which makes the sensations worse.

Things that help: being warm. like sitting next to a heater or curling up under an electric blanket. eating healthy. when i am around people and i start freaking out and the last thing i want to do is talk to them, i will force myself to get into a conversation with someone and that really takes my mind off it.


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## Guest

Have any of you considered Lyme disease. One of its symptoms is depersonalization. also extreme fatigue which some of you seem to be expressing.

95% of the medical community is Lyme illiterate and you really have to be your own advocate on this one.

There are specialists who charge an arm and a leg. Dr. Raxlen in CT and Dr. Py in MA.

Check all the Lyme websites on the internet. There are plenty. They are calling it endemic in some areas and possibly the next epidemic.


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## Guest

Your symptoms are all so familiar.

Lyme disease is muti systemic with syptoms that come and go god knows when or why

check out the neurological syptoms towards the bottem first and then read the rest of them.

You may have some, or many of these and have lyme. Lyme is not just arthritis. It wasn't arthritis for me.

symptoms:

Tick bite and rash (noted in only 30 - 50% of lyme cases)

unexplained hair loss
headacche mild or severe
twitching of facial muscles
facial paralysis
tingling nose, cheek or face
stiff painful neck with creaks and cracks
jaw pain or stiffness
sore throat
double or blurry vision
increased floating spots
pain in eyes, or swelling around eyes
oversensitivity to lights or flaching lights
decreased hearing in one or both ears
buzzing in ears
pain in ears
oversensitivity to sound
ringing in one or both ears
diarrhea
constipation
irritable bladder
upset stomache
joint pain or swelling
stiffness of jaoints back or neck
muscle pain or cramps
shortness of breath, cough
chest pain or rib soreness
night sweats or unexplained chills
heart palpitations or extra beats
heart blockage
tremors or unexplained shaking
burning or stabbing senasations in the body
weakness or partial parplysis
pressure in the head
numbness in body, tingling, pinpricks
poor balance, dizziness, difficulty walking
increased motion sickness
lightheasdedness, wooziness
mood swings, irritability
unusual depression
disorientation, feeling or getting lost
fee;omg as of upi are ;psomg upir ,omd
overemotional reactions like crying easily
too much sleep or insomnia
difficulty falling or staying asleep
memory loss (short or long term)
confusion, difficulty in thinking
difficulty with concentration or reading
going to the wrong place
speech difficulty (slurred or slow)
stammering speech
forgetting how to perform simple tasks
loss of sex drive
sexual dysfunction
symptoms worsen during menstruation due to hormone level drops
symptoms worsen with exercise
unexplained menstrual pain or irregularity
breast discharge or pain
testicular or pelvic pain
unexplained weight gain or loss
extreme fatigue
swollen glands
unexplained fevers
continual infections 9sinus, kidney, eye, etc.)
symptoms seemto change, come and go
Pain migrates to different body parts
experience flulike illness early on

NEUROLOGICAL SYMPTOMS OF LYME:

major depression
extreme fatigue
emotional instability (crying easily)
increased irritability and mood swings
sensitivity to light
sleep disturbances 
memory problems
getting lost in familiar places
dyslexia type reversals
significant loss of libido
night terrors
panic attacks
ferocious nightmares
suicidal thoughts
mental fog
disorientation
feelings of rage
violent thoughts
abnormalities of taste or smell
sensitivity to vibrations and noise
depersonalization
spatial problems
appetite changes
obsessive compulsive acts
seizures
lack of concentration
bell's palsy

good luck


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## Guest

The one in the list that I really goofed up was....

Feeling like you are losing your mind

Again with a symptom of depersonalization look at the symptoms at the bottom of the list first then go back to the rest.


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## enigma

rida said:


> Have any of you considered Lyme disease. One of its symptoms is depersonalization. also extreme fatigue which some of you seem to be expressing.


Through the years I've looked at a number of possible underlying conditions that I thought could be at the root of my dp/dr (partial list: hypoglycemia, food allergies, candida albicans[sp?]).

None of them panned out.

But the one thing they all shared in common was a very long, comprehensive list of symptoms.

In that list you just gave, for example, I could point to any number of things that ring a bell with me.

But I don't believe for an instant that I have lyme disease (though I know it is a real condition).

Is this something you've actually been diagnosed with by a physician?

e


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## Guest

Awww. Now i'm all scared. When i went to the doctor they did so many tests i can't remember if they tested for lyme disease. But now i have to go to the doctor and have them test me. I really hope they don't have to draw blood cuz i've had enough blood drawn to fill an entire body.


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## Guest

yes on the lyme diagnosis

I don't have all the symtoms just some and it is different for everyone.

Lyme is a clinical diagnosis usually because it is so hard to get a difinitive test result.

I am one of the lucky ones though. I had a western blot test and it came back positive. Not lucky to have lyme but lucky to know for sure.

Lyme is nasty in that it is hard to test for and treatment consists of long term antibiotic use (can be up to a year or longer). and you are never certain that you actuallly got rid of it. some people get a return of symptoms years later.

If you have some of the symptoms from that list I encourage you to find a Lyme literate Dr. or naturopath who can order the appropriate tests.

the IgenX lab in Palo Alto does the most thorough testing. Try to have your blood sample sent there.

Now that I know about myself I am a little over eager to tell others because I was so frustrated trying to figure it out and not getting any help.

forgive me if I sound like I am trying to push this diagnosis on everyone but I get the distinct feeling that the reality of Lyme is being shrouded because it is costly to treat ( a Dr. Raxlen in CT charges $750 for your first 1 and 1/2 hour visit) and the idea that the U.S. is dealing with a serious vector borne illness is not something some people want to hear.


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## Guest

Lyme has been in Europe far longer than it has been here. (centuries?)

Don'e mean to make it sound like this is a U.S. thing only.


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## danilee

For me I feel like I am not here. Maybe life isnt real at all. I question everyones existence, especially mine. Maybe I am really sleeping, or in a coma and will awaken to normalcy.
This all started a week ago. I don't know how to live like this. It is pretty much all day long, with some short (very short ) time without feeling completely out of it.

Strange, I know who I am, I know my husband, and baby and dogs. I know everything about me, just feel absent. I feel like I am going to go crazy, although I feel as if Im already there. I keep rethinking my past, to bring back to "old me".

I suffer from panic attacks, OCD and anxiety, although, these days those are NOTHING compared to this HORRIBLE DP/DR feeling.

I still have OCD with this, because now I constantly fear of really hurting my kid, or husband, or even me. Or maybe Ill do something crazy since I dont feel like this is reality anyway. My anxiety is SO HIGH, I took a xanax today, and last night. I hate taking pills. I started zoloft last week, actually the day the DR/DP started, I saw a DR, and started Zoloft. I hope it kicks in and I feel normal again. I want so badly to enjoy my family.
Good luck to all


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## LOSTONE

I would describe dp/dr as the most horrible feeling in the world. I am super stimulated I feel that my brain is being overloaded. I sometimes think I see something out of the corner of my eye but when I look there is nothing there. I feel totaly disconnected from everyone. Sometimes I look at family members and think to myself I don't know that person even though I do. Same thing happens when I look in the mirror, I think thats me but that don't feel like me, look at me I'm weired. Everything and everyone looks forign to me. When in social environments I feel very detached and isolated. The more people around the more isolated I feel.
Simply put, I am in hell.


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## Guest

Its a really horrible "feeling." Its really hard to describe because its been hard for me to find words for it. I feel really yucky when it happens. I feel vulnerable and naked and like people can see that I am experiencing this "feeling" when it happens to me.

I recently realized that its a little bit like d?j? vu is that it is a fleeting, yet familiar "feeling," yet its not really a feeling in the sense of an emotional or physical feeling. It comes on its own and goes away on its own and I have absolutely no control over it, but while it is happening, I don't feel good, I don't feel like myself, and I want to run and hide because I just feel like people can "see" this in me, like they can see through me, like they can see that I'm experiencing this "thing" when it is happening to me and I don't feel good about it.

This "feeling" thing as I call it has been happening to me since very early childhood. It has been very hard to describe to my therapist who seems completely lost when I try to describe it to her, like she's never heard of it before.


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## Guest

living hell.

one of the loneliest feelings possible. like noone can understand the distortions of your conciousness. so alone. completely unable to express what is really inside my head. i just have to blurt words out in response to people's questions.

its kindof like having two consiousnesses in one. the real me and the way i am now. the real me is stuck deep inside my mind, or connecting to the way i am now from far away but very vaguely. i feel like i no longer know or understand the people who were my family and friends.

looking at objects, reading, just being, is confusing. over analyzing and not being able to stop it, because im not sure what its like to feel like im "there".

thinking back into my past, it seems like i was a completely different person. completely. i dont understand how i ever was possibly outgoing, happy, and felt connected and normal. it shows how much ive changed, how many unexplainable mysterious and dreadful things have happened to my mind.

like ive lost my soul. im just a living body with a mind that is confused because i cant connect to the world with a sense of self. everything just happens as my empty but tortured and distorted mind watches. i can only feel vague negative emotions except this unexplainable hopeless and anxious and distant misery that fills my mind 24/7.

it feels like nothing is happening to me. like im just watching people live and things take place from far away, like im locked inside. lost and lonely in this unexplainable place of iscolation which is my mind.

it feels like an unreal wait for something to happen but never expecting it to. everyday is the same drifting like a ghost in misery.

i was once on a good path and was filled with love and happiness. i had friends and i had fun all of the time. every millisecond of reality and experience hit me at full force and i loved it.

now im just drifting into space which feels like hell. everything is unreal, INFINITELY confusing, unexplainable, and lonely. im in the realm of pain.

noone that knows me recognizes the severity of my problems.

why not end it all? because i live for the possibility that there is a cure, that there will one day be a moment of stability and happiness and knowing how to live. i dread the day where i lose this hope and i feel it coming near.


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## Guest

For me, I have intense feelings of being disconnected, as though my mind and the part of me that speaks/acts are two separate things. I know that I exist, that I have a past, that things are occuring to me and I am responding, but I feel outside of the events.
I am confused when I look in the mirror, like my body is sort of shell I'm looking through.
It can go unnoticed all day if I'm busy with something, but as soon as there is down time it hits me. I find if I can distract myself into thinking about something else it goes away, but it can come back repeatedly.
I think my problem is that I know what the feeling is like, and so I start to think about the feeling again and it triggers it. It's hard to break the cycle of negative thinking, and I've always been an over-thinker, analyzing everything to death. For me, it's not a result of drug abuse or trauma when I was younger. I'm guessing it's mostly due to an overactive mind and too much time to myself.
Lately it's been better in that, while the empty feelings still occur, I feel less depressed and more curious. I'm trying to sort this out and find the best way to self-treat it, if I can.


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## Mipmunk

my best description is:-

no identity, just a body with no soul and the words "who am I, who am I, who am I, constantly going round and round in your head".

Completely detachment from normal sense of self, overwhelming anxiety that goes with, scared, terrified, you just want to know who you are. Dreadful, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Mipmunk


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## Guest

How I found this site: I was visiting the site http://www.bitterfilms.com/medicate.html and noticed that one of the "side effects" listed was "depersonalization." I didn't know that dp could be a term for a medical condition so I looked it up on Google. I started reading things and they started to click with me. Then I found this forum and some of the feelings that people had seemed very familiar.

To introduce myself:

I am somewhat philosophically inclined. I used to think of this as an advantage but am really starting to doubt the worth of such a disposition. Left to my own devices, I will spend all day debating knowledge, God, free will, the self, the afterlife, ethics, whatever -- on message boards, in my own head, reading books about these things. This inclination is so strong that I will often neglect eating, socializing, requests from my parents, even neglect _using the restroom_ until I make myself very uncomfortable. Then I'll "wake up" briefly and realize how stupid I've been, only to sink straight back into the same habits.

Lately the "waking up" periods have gotten shorter and shorter.

I don't know when my "symptoms" started. If I really tried, could I pinpoint the time? I doubt it.

Two things that might be vaguely connected with what I've been feeling are my first time getting drunk and my third time on mushrooms. When I first got drunk, I felt disconnected from everything in a way I'd hardly felt before. During the drunkenness I coined (or stole from some forgotten book; can't be sure) a phrase: "bottomless sea of indifference." I kept repeating that phrase to myself in my head. I stayed up all night and the next day I felt tired but more or less normal.

Now for mushrooms. I've had somewhat high blood pressure before, and mushrooms will raise your bp (temporarily) about thirty points; I knew this but didn't have too much anxiety going in since I had taken mushrooms twice before and had come out fine.

Big mistake. I felt anxiety like nothing I had ever felt before or have since. My chest and head felt like they would explode at any minute. Long story short, I checked myself into the ER and stayed there until about nine in the morning. I left with an odd feeling of unreality that has more or less stayed with me. That was at least two weeks ago.

Now I'll list my main symptoms. I should note that I've been feeling some of these longer than others but I can trace a few them at least as far back as freshman year in college (I'm now a junior).

What I've been feeling:

I observe "my" life but don't live it. It's a film, a novel, a play, but not a "real" life. Someone else is living it -- then I observe myself observing my life, and on and on...

I am a single pixel on a screen a million miles wide -- and the pixel and the screen are both someone else's dream. I'm small, unreal, and alone -- always, inevitably, alone.

I have dissolved. I'm not here or anywhere else.

My beliefs don't feel as if they're my own. As someone else said, they seem to have no "force" behind them and I wonder all the time what "believing" even means and whether I really believe anything at all. Then I generalize this and think that perhaps there is no such thing as "believing," all we have is action, behavior, and that when people say, "I believe X" it's just so much meaningless air.

If I try to assess an argument in favor of "my" beliefs I have a skeptic in the other half of my brain reminding me of all the counterarguments and unaddressable doubts.

I feel as though I'll go insane, even though I realize that this feeling is probably baseless.

I think constantly of death, reality, heaven, hell, God. Do I really exist? Am I authentic? Is there a hell? Will I go there? Can I trust anyone?

If I stop thinking of these things, it seems as though I have a "watchman" ready to put me back on track and get me thinking of them again. This "watchman" reminds me constantly that nothing apart from these concerns really means anything or is worthwhile. I always fear that this "watchman" will never leave me and will plague me the rest of my life.

And then at other times I feel that nothing matters at all. That the words "existence" and "self" and "real" have no meaning -- that even "meaning" itself doesn't exist and that all our wordplay and attempts at communication are like a bunch of people calling out to each other in gibberish at midnight in a dark field the size of Texas -- just nothing, nonsense, absurd.

A few times a week I get a sense of impending doom; even though I recognize this as entirely irrational, it won't go away.

*Hypochondria* -- Each day I wonder about what is happening in my body and whether I will die soon. Have I eaten right? Have I gotten enough sleep? Will all of this worrying and overthinking shorten my life? Does any of that stuff even matter when life is so cruelly brief anyway?

I feel fake. I look at something I've written and think, "Did I really write that?"

If I have a thought sometimes my next thought will be "Is that what you really think or are you just being pretentious or dishonest?"

*I can't stop examining myself.*

Again -- _I can't trust anyone,_ at least not completely. I cook up "arguments" against putting my trust in other people, I always remind myself that I can never be certain of others' intentions or even, I think, certain of my own.

The last post describes me quite well: "no identity, just a body with no soul and the words "who am I, who am I, who am I, constantly going round and round in your head"."

I fear that if I tell other people about this that they'll take it for some kind of selfishness or depression. The truth is (I think) that any depression I feel is a _result_ of all of these other symptoms, not the _cause_ of them.

Do any of these sensations match your own?


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## Guest

I understand and empathise completley with everyone on this website, and im really glad i found it cos since i was fourteen ive been like this. im now ninteen.
it seems ninteen is the age it all came crashing down, like when everything fell apart. i started askin the big questions, a sddenly got this massive sense of self awareness, like wot i was thinknig was getting blurted out on to a radio station. this was when i started seeing things in a different way. at the time obiosly i didnt know wot was goin on, but as i look back it seems to be then when it all started. coinicidently thats when i discoverd skunk. ive been a stoner ever since. smokin and drinkin pretty much every day. three months ago i gave up gange for the last time. the fifth time in 3 years. i am also very philisophicly inclind and tend to think about everything far to much. maybe thats another link. i thought the gange was the reason why i thought i was going mad so i gave up becouse the anxiety was to much for me to bare. thing was i was only anxious wneh i wasnt stoned;. people are my biggest worrie. cos i cant cominicate with them, at the same time i can see almost exactly wot their feeling, which makes it even harder. i wrote a poem about a year ago when i was starting to understand wot was up with me. so hear it is, maybe it will explain myself better, hope you can relate...

"Sitting on the bench over looking the sleeping corpses, lying in their peacefull prisons six feet under life, and yet they are the ones who are free, i think.
cos as i sit peoples voices enter my mind but are pushed away by ignorence. thinking of thinking my head is blank, seeking words long lost in a forgotten memory somewhere in my head, so i sit and say nothing.
i listen and understand the comedy but yet alone, a smile fails to spread my lips, only now i know im loosing the ability to communicate with outer head life forms, who i forget are allies, always watching, on the defensive. accusing paranoid fool is what i hear myself call myself as i push reality away with another drag of a normally boring funky skunky special rollup. that i look for th open my mouth and sound my oppinion of a pointless blink of my imagination that even fails to amuse myself!
time to stop and think.

wrote this when i was seventeen, but only the other day did i find this website, so only the other day did a realise that i might be dp. which is cool in a way, cos at least i now im not just bein a fool. goin to a shrink in sept, probably werth tellin him bout this, first time ive been so im a bit aprehensive, see it was only bout a month ago that i finally gave up thinkin im alrite and went to a doctor, but he didnt actaully help. my dads even a doctor and he dont understand either, cos its too hard to explain to people, cos on the outside every thinks your normally, its just that your not on the outside, its like your lost in a million miles beneath your skin, like thre are two af you, conciusness and soul. like your conciusness is what you do, but your soul is trapped in a neverending laberythe of visions and false hoods and lies, trapped in a fantasy, only able to looke through a thick peice of glass a stare at the play in front of you, then loose intrest without controll and fall back into thought. my maine thought being what i could be doing or what i could have said. thats why i think its the soul thats trapped cos, i seem to live out my souls desiers in my head while my body coninues to exist. / THis is hell. cos im not really even writing this either, my hands as i type seem to be part of a robot that carries out actions that i think it too. i might as well be talking to no one cos no one seems that real.

sorry to go on but another quick poem.

strange times and stranger places, with blank mimes and blanker faces, you have to read the eyes. and if the truth fails to show-if your ready to go-think is it all a lie.

Turn my love into hate. cos the fear sets in. ill reality is where i am. in a balance of the norm. turn my hate into love, and the faith pulls through. anger still exists but with myself. nothing i have, so i escape into the abiss, i just fly away, but now i cant get back, cos reality bores, il reality scares, fear grows, anger rises, hatred held down, lost anywhere, alone always, nothing i have, faith kept, hope held, escape smoke, need to get back in, how. mind blank, my mind sacred. deal with it now! help me please.

if any of this makes sense to any one could you let me no, cos i am self diagnosed with dp so i dont no, but you lot seem pretty safe.
look forward to hearin from anyone. cheers. ps ive think ive found a way out of this mess. u gotta use ure gravity. use that on people, see how they act around you, focus on you and theire relation with you. 
i did this and it worked cos i was more intresting then wot was in my head.

u gotta believe you are the most powerfull being on the earth and evrything around you is in your controll. only then does the noise in my head dissapear. only then do things seem real.

tell me if it works for you.


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## Guest

sorry to bother you but write at the beggining of my last letter it said it all started wen i was 19. that dont make sense. i ment to say 14. thats when it all went pair shaped, just thought id clear that up.
also, anyone listned to a band called love with arthur lee as the front man.
checkem out. without love the doors would not be signed.!
check out josh ritter as well. a song called wings is the one u should lookout for.
cheers. mdma is better then pills!


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## Guest

Hi new here.

What is like dp for me?

Well let's see i have dp since 15 and now i am 33.
Dp is my reality,i don't know how is the real reality.
Dp is to me a deamon that took away my soul,my feelings,my sanity everything!
That's dp for me :!:


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## Guest

All right, here?s my DP, enjoy:

Before it (it came with the first one and only cannabis joint) i was VERY confident, outgoing and creative. After that: could?t make any plans (even i used to have SO many of it), no ambitions, no self-confidence, couldn?t talk to people.. but the worst of it - all the time in some "fog", like I am not fully awake (and no cofee, co energy drink helps it). all the damn time i feel like i?ve been awake just few minutes). that is the worst. like all my emotions (feelings, moods etc) are turned down.

i can laugh, i can be thrilled by a movie, but i am not really there - NOT LIKE A DRIVER OF THE BUS, BUT ONLY AS A PASSENGER WHO TELS THE DRIVER WHICH WAY TO GO, BUT I DON?T KNOW THE WAY EXACTLY.


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## Guest

I have never been to hell.

Please send me a postcard.

Bad joke...

Life is hard enough, I don't want to think about hell. I want to do my best to keep myself sane. I've adopted the philosophy that I must attack that which attacks me. We go on battling. I do research... go crazy. I talk to a specialist... go crazy. To add levity=> we are having an excellent volley.

I have been to this site so many times before joining... I can't remember who made the post.
I completely relate to whomever said it was like living in the Truman Show. I irrationally admit to myself that this... "reality" is not actualy happening. I look around and see invented pictures. I am waiting for someone to give me the truth and to invite me into actual reality. If it means losing everything I love: my wife, my kids, memories of my childhood (the good ones) to know the truth, I will do it. I am so far derived from that which I used to love. I know I love my kids...I just can't feel it anymore. I will do anything I can so that they don't know I can't feel it. I don't want them to grow up as broken as I am. I feel crazy because I think I'm supposed to know that the "truth" doesn't exist, that "reality" is right in front of me and I contiuously fail to realize it. And the [email protected]#$% of it is I can't tell anyone about it. Then I lose the game. 
That is DP/DR and it is so much more.......


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## lemontea

Hi, I m new here...I'm so glad I found this website, it really helps.

Anyway, these are my symptoms:

- the dream-like feeling, like if there is something between me and the reality (it seems, sometimes it's bigger and sometimes smaller, but it's still here)
- it's hard for me to feel any emotions, and when i feel them, it seems it's for no reason
- i feel like my soul is somewhere else than my body, sometimes it's like i'm only watching myself. my own face seem foreign to me, and so do the faces of the people I know for a long time
- strange perception of time, things that heppened this morning seem like they happened thousand years ago, also, I don't believe I reallz did the things I did earlier, it seems like it was someone else
- occasional panic attacks, it's like forever awaiking from a dream, but in the end, I'm still in the same "dream", but I just don't realise it
- travelling is terrible for me, because when I'm on some new place, it takes me a long time to "realise" that I'm not on the place where I was before, and when I realise I'm where I am, I can't understand that few hours earlier I was somewhere else - I get used to this after some time, but fist day or two are terrible (panic attacks are more often in these situations)

And there are, of course, many more. Sometimes, I can live with that, but sometimes it's really HELL.


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## Guest

I chose my screen name because of something I read in one of the posts I saw. One member described his spouse as his "angry wife." I guess I too am an angry wife of a man who has been self diagnosed with DP/DR. I am angry that my huband has to go through this, angry that I can't seem to do the right things to help, angry that he drinks to self medicate, and angry that I feel so sad all the time about this. So I joined this group to help me better understand what it IS that he is going through. 
My husband self medicates, as I have read, this is common with [people with this issue. My husband has used alcohol for years. I try to be understanding of what he is going through. At times it is hard to be. I have children to worry about and provide for. I get very angry when he comes home from the bar or I come home from work to find him intoxicated while our children are sleeping upstairs. Alcohol has caused major problems in our lives. But my husband feels the need to self medicate with alcohol. He already has 1 DUI . He could have been killed in the accident that got him that DUI. Yet he still drinks to excess and has on occasion, still driven the car while under the influence. So I remain the angry wife. Angry that he is suffering from something, angry that he drinks, angry that he doesnt see this ripping our family apart. 
He is looking into getting help. I am a wife trying to help a husband with DP/DR and trying to keep our family together. How do I help him? Anyone have suggestions?


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## Guest

My wife has been trying to cope with my DP for years. Sometimes does beautifully. Sometimes she just loses it. Who can blame her? If she is able to just give me space, and loving, non-judgemental support, I can sometimes navigate my way throught an episode without creating too much havoc. Sometimes, however, I make that impossible.

Regarding the self-medication with alcohol--Of course I don't know how long he's been drinking, how much, etc. but if alcohol is adversely affecting his life--which it certainly seems to be--and he is unable or unwilling to stop, you might want to look at it that you are living with an alcoholic. If you are ready to take this step, then Al-Anon might be of great help to you. It is at least a way to get support from others and to have a "Program" to help you work with the situation you are living with.


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## Luka

DP/DR for me is:

- Panic attacks
- Fear of dying
- Fear becoming blind and/or deaf
- Fear of physical and mental illnesses (like strokes, Tourette syndrome or psychosis)
- Fear of vanishing (myself and world around me)
- Disturbed vision of myself and the world around me (unfamiliar bodyparts, my soul doesn't fit in my body, people look like they got a hot wax coating)
- Fear of doing things out of my control (smash the phone, hurting my precious pets)
- Fear of suddenly becoming someone different (less nicer) with very different interests.
- Fear of losing my knowledge.


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## Guest

Hi.
Im not sure i can describe how it is for me but ill try. I never knew until just lately that dp was a seperate illness, i started with anxiety and thought it was just another symptom of that. 
The way i feel is constantly aware of everything (too aware) i look at things and people for too long and think too much until it scares me. I think im going insane most of the time because i feel so detached from everything and everybody. Sometimes even things im familiar with seem somehow differant and strange. I worry that i may do something foolish because of the way i feel. I am in constant fear but unsure what it really is i do fear. When things dont seem real then the world is a very scary place. 
Thanks for listening
MolkoGirl


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## Guest

Hey, I'm a 17 year old male and I'm a little worried about what I'm suffering from. About a month ago I smoked some hash and about 2 hours of smoking when I was coming down from the high I had an intense feeling of "waking up" in my body, as if waking up in a dream only to realise it's real. It had happened once before while smoking weed but the first time it only lasted half hour and I was fine the rest of the day. This time however I was horribly anxious for the rest of the day, and some of the next morning.

Anyway this happened again yesterday, without smoking anything (I've vowed never to touch weed again) and it also happened in the same situation: on the bus on the way to town. I don't need to tell you how scary it was, especially because I wasn't under the influence of anything. Now I feel close to fine, I feel a little bit nervy but okay on the whole. I'm just wondering whether this is the beginning of a big problem and whether it's gonna get more frequent from now on, or whether it was just a freak occurence.

I'm not as severely affected as a lot of the people on these boards, as it's not a constant feeling of detatchment or anything like that, I just wonder if it's going to happen again, and whether I should try and get help now to stop it from totally blossoming. Any words of assurance would be much appreciated, and before I go I must say that I am utterly in awe of some of the people on this site who are suffering badly but still keep optimistic and strong. I've only had a taste of dp so I can only imagine what it's like for you. Anyway, I must jet now, please reply.


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## widescreened

i didnt get it from weed,i got mine from lsd(altou ive tried weed and never liked it much).glad 2 hear you are off the weed forever.i think by your description of flashbacks,they havent been often or persistent enough to merit a serious problem.do look after yourself from now on.eat well and exercise.follow your dream and study hard.you are young and your life is ahead of you.if you have loads of zest and ambition,you dont need this board.although there are many many very nice and well meaning people here on this site,noone wanted to end up here.if i was 17 again and told id be looking into sites like this one for advice or to give advice,id have laughed.but sh.it happens.your main priority is to stay off drugs,booze or whatever else merits short term escape and log off this site.remember that curiosity killed the cat.our ruminations,flights of fancy and world views may only serve to confuse you and convince you that you suffer from something that you dont.so go before your imagination turns against you.peace.


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## Guest

JanineBaker said:


> Asking yourself constantly IF this is dp, and then thinking that NOBODY else on this earth could possibly be experiencing what we experience...it must NOT be dp, it's something else, I've convinced myself it's dp, but it's not....this is different, this is something more than dp, this is even something more than a mental symptom - this is some kind of inner experience that goes way beyond any symptom...or I've tried to think it's dp, but something else is happening to me, something nobody else can see or understand because they THINK it's dp....and I'm too sick to understand it, but I can see that it's more...
> 
> that is the CLASSIC kind of thinking that accompanies dp.
> 
> Peace,
> Janine


that's just how i feel sometimes!

like, i've just felt/realized some disturbing inner experience that nobody else had ever felt becuase people aren't meant to "realize" that they're not real or seperate from themselves

and when i feel dp, i feel like i've just realized it and it's so scary


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## freesong

For me it is like I have lost my soul. I look outside and see a flat lifeless world. I feel empty, tired, dead. I don't experience anything the way I did before. It is as if there is a life force and I have been disconnected. I have worries and fears about dying and going to hell because I no longer feel connected to spiritual things. I feel no joy, no sense of wonder. I feel I have died but my body is still here. Nothing is funny, exciting, interesting. I am a ghost or a zombie who acts as normal as possible. I am depressed about my loss of self. I used to experience severe depression and anxiety and now I would gladly welcome that kind of depression in that I could at least cry and feel something. I do still have anxiety and fear and can feel anger but it is not as intense. This is a prison that is worse than a prison This is truly a living hell. This happened to me in a second of time. I can not imagine that I can ever come back from this now but others say that it is possible. I am glad to have found this site so that I can know that there are others with this as it is very lonely in here. That is all.


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## Seeker

Firstly, I think my restless night eventually ended up in a useful way.. I found this site and with it, many answers to questions that have been rocking my life for the past 3 months.. I am grateful that i have found this site, and I hope sharing my new experience would be some sort of help..
Prior to going any further, I came across this post, and for a second I wondered about how we think we are alone, while somewhere, someone, might be going thru the same feelings.. This post has actually described some of what I am feeling; It has so much of what I am going thru. However, my fears include questions about the reality of what i am dealing with.. Being completely disabled, and not being able to achieve any goals in life, or even the very minimal which is to support my self in every aspect..
My symptoms include overwhelming feelings and paralysis of what i truely am vs what i have been going thru.. it's almost unreal to look at the difference.. socially, emotionally, and personally, I feel i ve been stripped out of my own strenghts, skills, mental ability, and i got left with nothing but a shell of bones and skin.. No thoughts whatsoever..words float with no association to my thoughts, my days simply like a digit of a calendar, that is stuck on the same number.. It also feels like what used to be one moment in my previous days, is now expanding to be a whole day.. thoughts that used to happen back then in 10 minutes, now happen in days, and therefore, trying to control a my life, from where i stand, is so overwhelming and almost impossible..
I tried changing my life by moving to another state, and got faced with the same feelings of non existance to sustain and absorb the move.. 
The last thing i can remember is being aware of having very unrealistic thoughts that would occur every few days, as I was aware, conscious of what's going on and i would avoid it, to the best of my abilities.. Till few days after that, it felt like i got sucked into a dark room, and i ve been in it ever since.. I wake up, but neither my consciense nor awareness does...ever since then, it feels like I lost my place and existance in the world.
It has been around 3 months since i feel like a leaf, just floating in life without any direction, meaning, or any type of control, which made it harder for me as i am (or used to be) an analytical person), and the more I look back to see what my life has been about since then and don't see anything, the worst it becomes.. It's terrifying just like being in a boat, in the middle of an ocean, with no land around. you don't know how you got there, therefore, you don't know how to get out of there...
I woke up at nights with nightmares about being in a psychiatric ward, surrounded by insane people..I also went to the extent of imagining myself, homeless, on the streets, becuase of what I am going thru, and to what extent it is paralyzing me and causing my life to be flatlined..
The only question mark that never leaves my head is "Have I lost who I am?" or is there a way to get that person back?

SoulSeeker



freesong said:


> For me it is like I have lost my soul. I look outside and see a flat lifeless world. I feel empty, tired, dead. I don't experience anything the way I did before. It is as if there is a life force and I have been disconnected. I have worries and fears about dying and going to hell because I no longer feel connected to spiritual things. I feel no joy, no sense of wonder. I feel I have died but my body is still here. Nothing is funny, exciting, interesting. I am a ghost or a zombie who acts as normal as possible. I am depressed about my loss of self. I used to experience severe depression and anxiety and now I would gladly welcome that kind of depression in that I could at least cry and feel something. I do still have anxiety and fear and can feel anger but it is not as intense. This is a prison that is worse than a prison This is truly a living hell. This happened to me in a second of time. I can not imagine that I can ever come back from this now but others say that it is possible. I am glad to have found this site so that I can know that there are others with this as it is very lonely in here. That is all.


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## livinginhell333

for me its total hell. nothing is fun exciting, my mind is blank 90% of the day, my creativeness is gone, my emotions feelings, spunk, physical feelings. i have no goals, ambitions, and things have no meaning to me anymore. i seriously don't know how i keep going on. i agree this is worse than prison. people with severe dp are so disconnected with their minds, their lives, things around them, feelings, emotions. its so hard to feel a connection to family and friends. it is pure utter hell. its a prison within our own minds and i hope i can get out but i don't know. i guess this is my life now and i have to make the best of it, but its hard when you feel soo dead.


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## livinginhell333

i kinda feel like i have stopped breathing. like i have no more pulse. nothing makes me feel alive at all anymore.


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## Guest

Dictionary.com says it best I think

*de?re?al?i?za?tion (d-r-l-zshn)
n.*
*The feeling that things in one's surroundings are strange, unreal, or somehow altered, as seen in schizophrenia.*
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It feels like you're in deep fog and the more you realize that everything seems deadened the worse it becomes. It's the worst feelign I've ever had. Nothing seems real. I've found the only way to live a normal life is to pretend like I don't have these feelings. I have to pretend like everything is normal. This doesn't always work though.


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## enoeht

I believe I have Primary DP. When I first came here I thought it was perhaps due to a bump on the head I took in my youth. Truth is, it's probably from the beatings I got from my drunken father.

I seem to remember feeling disconnected from myself in childhood - I'm guessing that one of his beatings (or perhaps the very first one) was enough to make part of me pull into the background, and I've never reconnected with myself.

My DP feels like the true me is right under my breastbone, and I'm operating my body with intricate switches, and levers. I only appear "normal" to others because I am a wonderful mimic. My hand writing, as unique as it is, is made up of different people's handwriting from high school. I liked the way they made certain letters, and incorporated them into what is now uniquely my own.

I feel like I'm not real. At any minute I expect to wake up, in the style of "The Matrix", and realize that everything I'm looking at was all in my mind. I have trouble even hugging people because my body is almost numb.. anything intimate I have trouble with, probably because I'm not all here.

My whole world, 24/7, looks like a photograph - 2D and framed. I thought it was because I'm artistic.. turns out I'm just crazy.

Anxiety is a part of my day to day life. It's always high, and I often (like right now) forget to breathe. I don't know who I am, why I'm here, or what my purpose is. I feel like I haven't felt anything ever that was real.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to float away.


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## ken

What I have found after more than five years of DP/DR is that while everything is telling me that there is something very wrong, I am externally the same person and that is why it is so completely trapping. I have no reference point any more - good or bad. My soul or whatever you want to call it has left the building and has left a mind and body that no longer feels anything. As a result, I can't empathise with other peoples problems nor can I see their happiness. 9/11? Tsunami? Meant nothing, didn't feel a thing and still don't. Go home for Christmas and see my family and friends. That must have been good to see them then - no, it wasn't good or bad. I was there though - I remember getting on a plane and being there. I think I smiled at all the right times.

This is the hell I live in 24/7 and there is no way that a normal functioning person can understand it. Everything that makes people human seems to have left me. Someone could get hit by a bus right in front of me and I know that I won't feel anything. Would I rather have a terminal illness like cancer? I don't know.

My brother is getting married soon and I have no idea what to do. I am so sick of pretending that it's beyond logic now. The only time I feel real is in my dreams and when I wake up, I'm dead again. Yet, here I am typing on a computer, looking at a screen and trying to ignore the black squiggly eye debris that pollutes my vision every waking second. If I sound depressed, I'm not. I have had depression before and it was a million rays of light compared to this. I was still in reality for a start.

Every day I want to smash everything and everyone in my sight but I know it wouldn't change a thing. I hate people but not in a misanthropic way. I envy people not for what they have or who they are but for their humanity.

I don't feel better for having typed this.


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## Guest

It like my unconcious is in control, and if it doesn't like a situation, then my concious mind feels it, then it tries to hide and ignore it, because it is rational, then the fact that I don't want to be in a situation always gets out into seeping through conciousness without me realizing it, it self-destructs relationships , and love , and feelings and conciously when I see my world falling apart, but don't know why, i de-personalize into looking and hearing the world a step away from reality. Why I never know how to fix it is i'm sure what screwed me is a cultural or personal choice which I have forgotten about, since i've forgotten whatever it is, Thinking can never fix me... And when I except that knoledge is a creation of circumstancial choice, and discredit my 'thinking', i enter into such a needle in a hay-stack scenario of trying to a 'me' within the haystack of the thing I thought i was, like my name, or my body, or my culture. 'myself' is the most illusive substance ever to find,

peace


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## frony

Hi im new here...and these are my symptoms (pretty straghtforward, huh? :  ):

-I feel as if seeing things aroud me through a wall of mist.
-I feel as if my soul will anytime soon disconnect from my body forever (this i think the most major of all my symptoms)
-I feel as if im going crazy or as if im going to die
-I feel as if im going to faint
-I feel as if "something" in the reality has changed, i can't quite put my finger on it, but it's like....the colors are different...
-Vertigo
-Dizziness
-Fatigue
-Headaches 
-Backaches


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## blackwinded

my depersonalization:

Feel like my body is mixed up like a puzzle, distorted/deformed (like a picaso painting) , feel like my limbs are out of place
feel inside out, upside-down, etc.
Feel like demons are inside me crawling through me and controlling my movements and thoughts...feel them looking through my eyes.
Feelings like my head is disconnected from my body or like im just a pair of eyes floating there
Feel like my body is connected to everything like im not a seperate being...like i just flow together with the whole world.

my derealization:

I feel like i've skipped ahead 3 years of my life. Time goes way to fast
Feel like im dreaming--i often have to stop and ask myself if what im doing is real or if im dreaming
I see objects and patterns move and change shape and pulsate.
No feelings/emotions. I'm just dead inside.
Feel far away


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## Gussick

I've never had as much of a problem with DP as some here, for which I'm grateful. My problem is nearly complete derealization. I don't doubt my own theoretical existence, though it seems to me I really died a long time ago and what's happening "now" is just an echo or a persistent residual trace of what really took place long ago. I feel as though I have been disconnected not just from reality but from time.

It could also be that I have simply seen the reality others choose not to see. If we are just hunks of meat in a bone case, then my experience is nothing more or less than the experience of a real person in the real world. We're ALL disconnected from reality, but most people are hard-wired to ignore this reality.

I've suffered from these problems my entire life without exception. There are no periods where it gets "better," though I've tried to push the envelope of my life in extreme ways in order to see if I could feel "more real." I had a series of nervous breakdowns in my teens and tried to get help, but nobody had a clue what I was talking about. I then decided that the outside world could not help me and resolved to deal with the condition if I could not fix it.

Therefore, I operate day-to-day on a series of assumptions. I assume the outside world exists, and that I truly am an active player in it. This helps me get through, though I have never been able to keep long term personal relationships together very well. I'm in my mid-30's now and live alone. I have my problems, but generally things could be much worse. Over time you get used to it and learn to appreciate your memories. As you have more memory your existence is solidified a bit more and you can take some comfort in them. But the void within never goes away.


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## Terence999

To me it felt like I was dead inside. The world became black and white. I felt I was losing my mind. I started to become disoriented at times which was very bad since I was in a combat zone. I started taking heroin to keep my nerves. Even objects began to appear unreal to me. Now many years later I feel angry at the world.


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## noobiedoobiedo

There is a cartoon on Adult Swim and I think the title sums it up fairly well : *" Ghost in the Shell "*

I noticed that sometimes when I have thoughts about something I'm doing or will do I think about it in the sense of me telling a friend about it. It's like instead of where the thought "I have a car" is it's more like , "Hey mike i got this sweet v6" or something like that.

*Related or not ? * For some reason for the majority of my life a lot of the time I don't hear what someone says the first time they say it, it's like it gets "compressed" and a little muffeled in my head so I say "huh" or whatever. But by the time they finish the first / second word of the sentence I can remember / hear the whole thing clearly. Does anyone else get this ?

I notice I day dream _a lot_ at night. My thoughts almost exclusively end back up at some day dream where I'm the hero or some horific depressing crap.

One time I looked at my hand and it was strange, like for the first time (I was um, 16/17/18/who knows) I realized it was *my* hand. Had "trouble" I guess you could say with recognizing myself in the mirror or in pictures. Apparently I'm a *really* good actor because I look happy in a lot of pictures (or something).

I have *severe* memory loss. It's hard for me to quantitate for obvious reasons. But I've had many experiences where a friend / girlfriend will be telling me about something we did, an experience, a significant experience and I totally can not remember. And the things we did / I said will be strange or shocking or odd / out of charactor to me. Almost to the point that it feels fake , or something. I've smoked pot since I was 18 or so (8 yrs ago) but my memory loss preceeded this. There is very little of my childhood I can remember.

When I "depersonalize" into another "part" of me, or whatever, then switch back into a "comfort zone" later it's hard for me to remember / relate to what was going on when I "switched".

An example ; Two females friends and I (one of which I have feelings for) go on a shopping trip tonight. By the time we get to wal-mart I'm really "upset/depressed" in a very deep sense. As this progresses I begin to think about how I hate my life experience, I`ll never be normal and so on. This goes on for about an hr or so in wal-mart, we return home and I "switch" back into a relatively happy joking person.  I have issues with not getting enough attention, this, IMHO is absolutely what triggered my event tonight.

When I write things, like journal entries it much more often than not can't connect to / relate with the things I wrote. I often think they are petty / idiotic and overall stupid bullshit. I almost always delete / throw away / destroy these entries. To date 99.9% of all entries have been destroyed. I simply loath them and my feelings and my petty patheticness when I look back on them. Much as I will feel (more than likely) when I look back on this. Most likely as some tool to get attention. I sometimes wonder / feel like I use my "mental problems" to get attention.

Because my problem is I lack attention, this causes depression/etc. So when I get attention because of my "mental problems" they 'vanish' because now I'm getting what I was missing.

I don't relate my actual life to my self image. Or my self identity to my history of actions.

I have a dimished sense of self. I'm jelous in a deep "life experience" type way of people who have a strong sense of self identity.

My friend (of 6 yrs) describes my actions like I "fall asleep on life".

I tend to be unemployed.

I can't connect with most people.

Before I knew I had DP I was seeking out other people as obviously fucked up like me.

I knew for a while "something was wrong" but didn't know what so I just got random self-help/self-esteeme books.

I always marvelled at how people could just date and fall in love when I can't seem to connect to / feel love for people who I'm suppose to , like family.

In the past, starting with church when I was young I took great steps to avoid some social settings (sunday school).

Like some others have said, sometimes I feel like / think I have DP but at others it feels "fake" like I`m just trying to tell myself I have DP or Im just doing it for attention or some other kind of strange crap.

I'm 26 but it feels like I was 19 like, just not too long ago. So much of my life is gone and I can't even remember to where. I know I smoked a lot of pot but seriously, come on.

I use to not think I was important enough to capitalize "i".

I've made more than one picture where I've blacked out the eyes like I'm empty or dead inside.

There's too much to describe.

Anyways,

Have fun.


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## humptydumpty25

when im talking, i feel like its not myself talking but somebody else. just totally disconnected and like a zombie. i feel brain dead all the time. i feel no emotions. its very frustrating. i just cant wait to finally die someday. 
im really grateful for this forum because i least for once i have someone i can share these things with. i cant talk to regular people about it, they dont understand. and what makes it harder is, according to all my family and friends, i look and act totally normal and healthy, so its hard for them to believe that there is anything wrong.

my DP is both psych drug induced (warning folks) and due to traumatic life events.

peace


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## ledganteast

n/a


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## jstar

Hi

Im also new to this forum. Im a 32 yr old female from Melbourne and I stumbled on this site whilst doing a search on depersonalisation. I am totally gob smacked at the amount of others out there with identical symptoms to me. I cant even begin to explain what it means to know I am not the only one, and I am not going crazy! I have been fighting these symptoms on and off for about 7 years I think.. I have been back and forth to psychologists, doctors.. had all medical tests (thinking it was tumour related) etc. I have had it long enough to realise that stress can bring it on, and that it doesnt last forever. However, it still doesnt take away the fear of the unknown, and how alone and isolated you feel, especially when no one can understand you when you try to explain how disconnected you feel to everything and everyone.. they just think you are a freak. Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that I totally relate, 100 %.


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## GodLuvsAMonkey

I have recently self-diagnosed. The best description that I can give is feeling as if everyone and everything around me suddenly becomes fake. I wrote this little snippet one day when I was having an "episode". I don't know if it will help anyone because it is a very personal experience but what the hell... couldn't hurt either. Here goes: 
I sit and ponder existence in all its forms. I sit and watch, like a cat on a fence, all the mice marching by. Unaware, these people march like ants to the beat of an identical drummer. I watch and wait for some semblance of feeling, some inkling of connection to these beings, but to no avail. I feel nothing. They are but like many actors on a stage; Playing roles that even they do not know the parts for. I look with opened eyes at them seeing as if for the first time. It is as if they do not exist in this world beyond my interaction with them. Consciously I know that they too have lives, at least I think they do. Who knows for sure what really exists and what is fabricated in this life. It is very much like Schroedinger?s Cat . Do these people exist once I cannot lay my eyes upon them? Or, do they cease to exist, frozen in a state until I once again come upon them. It is painful to feel such distance. This lack of connection makes for danger as these people do not seem real and therefore do not appear to have worth. It is as if I believe that if pricked they will not bleed. They are not real. I am floating through space and time. Everything begins to feel small and insignificant. The meaning is lost and I cease to find substance in anything. 
The bizarre part of all this for me is that I find "Beauty in the Breakdown." Some of the best writing and poetry come from these moments. I guess it is my way of dealing of controlling the uncontrollable. When I feel as if my mind has been hijacked I use my hands to write what I cannot seem to vocalize.


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## bobbi

I never even heard of this until today. I always knew something was wrong with me..he he. I could never just pin point what. I also have obsessive skin picking disorder and someone on that forum talked about derealization. I did some research and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm not crazy!" Here are my symptoms:
feel like I'm stoned
feel like a flog came over me
feel like I am in a dream
I have trances
feel frustrated cause I want to feel real (with a group of people) but I can't
can't consentrate fully
can't fully relate, like I trance out when a friend talks
during sex I'm just not there..but I want to be

Well, the list goes on and on but I rarely feel fearful just frutrated then I get angry at myself cause I can't get with it. Then I want to hurt myself cause I get so angry. But there are times when I do feel normal, but then I feel so great I overacheive (cause I can actually get something done) and I wear myself out. Doing normal everyday things can be 10X harder at times cause I feel like I'm high.

Ok enough said.
Bobbi


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## StoneGlassWindow

> But there are times when I do feel normal, but then I feel so great I overacheive (cause I can actually get something done) and I wear myself out.


That happened to me yesterday, sort of. I woke up feeling like I was great and normal and I ran around and did a bunch of stuff I was meaning to do. In the evening I felt terrible and sunk into a bad state of DP. I felt totally outside of myself.


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## retainer

I'm not sure whether I'm going through depersonalization or whatever... I'm fourteen years-old, almost fifteen, and I've been having this feeling for a few years now. 
What happens is everything seems fake, like a dream. I could stick my head in an oven or jsut like hurt myself, and it wouldn't seem like real life. It's like nothing matters, so I can do anything. Still, I wouldn't do something like hurt myself or anyone else, because I know it does matter. I know I'm in the real world, and I know what I do has real effects. It just doesn't seem like it. 
Right now, my head is twisting; part of me wants to just blow up, and part of me is trying desperately to feel normal. I feel so lazy. I hardly do exercise because I like don't feel like I can move. Right now, all I can move are my fingers while I'm typing. 
I feel like my head is separate from the rest of my body, but my head hardly belongs to me anymore because it's so split. In my head I feel terrible because of all these emotions, but I'm still able to respond to the rest of the world normally, and I'm still able to type on here as if nothing is wrong. I can talk to my friends online and be like lol and stuff like that, but I'm sitting here with no expressions. It's as if all of me is inside my head, and I have nothing to do with my body. 
Despite all this, I'm still able to concentrate in school and get good grades. 
I have ocd-- a really bad case of it. I need to check things a million times and ugh its a pain. 
I also feel stressed and depressed, and have all those crappy symptoms. 
It's really hard for me to fall asleep, and when I do, I grind my teeth like crazy. I often catch myself grinding my teeth while I'm awake. 
I have this everyday, but then it goes away at some points during the day, only to come back again in a few hours. 
Sometimes I feel like im trapped in my body; my thoughts are normal, but I just can't move. I feel nothing but like a tingling from the rest of my body... it just doesn't seem like it's a part of me. 
It's hard to distinguish between mental and physical pain now. 
Depression and bipolar disorder run in my family. This is embarrassing, and I'm not sure if it's true, but I might be hypersexual. 
Is this depersonalization, or am I just insane or something???? Please help


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## Cryspatus

i'm so glad that theres a forum for this. its really comforting to know i'm not the only one. the funny thing is, though, that reading all this started making me feel depersonalized again. i had to get up and walk around then come back. other than that, i think its awesome that there's a community for this - where people really talk.
on that note, i think the 15-some-odd pages pretty much described all the symptoms i have. the one thing that happens to me that most people didn't mention, was that i feel very threated by colors when i dp. bright florecent lights and bright colors cause me to dissociate, so i go out of my way to avoid them to avoid not getting more dissociated. sometimes i'll get really paranoid if i see something like a really red stop sign, or a big green mountain. does this happen to anyone else?


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## Cryspatus

sorry, double post


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## Guest

Hi Im 27 yo and am new here. As most of you, the feeling I get is a lost or reality or the so called "dream world". My problem started when I was 12. I got scared from something and got a severe and long lasting panick attack.

Few years later I was diagnosed with depresion and anxiaty + phobias + ocd and what not. I never knew there is such a thing as derealization until I typed "loss of awarenes" on google and learned about it a couple of months ago.

For 15 years I thought I was partially insane and always had the fear of, what if DR goes below zero.

Doctors think I have chronic depression mixed with GAD. Now Im starting to doubt if it is chronic depression because it is the DR and fear of it thats been making me feel blue.


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## Mazzy

Here's a list of my symptoms:

Feeling as though my legs are floating up, up, and away...
Feeling as though my fingers are dead cadavers tapping on the keyboard
Numbness in my face and lips
Losing sense of where my lower half is when I go to the bathroom
Misidentifying an itch - a frustrating symptom since I want so dearly to scratch it away, but because I can't make my mind connect to it, the itch remains.
Feeling as if there are 2 levels to my perception: one level is where I "know" things are happening, and the other level is where I experience things happening. It's like I can see myself exist, but I can't participate in it.
Losing my sense of direction when I try to wipe a hair out of my face. (It's similar to when you are looking in the mirror and trying to cut your hair. You're not sure if you should go right or left and are relying on the mirror to tell you.)
Sometimes losing my ability to sense food in my mouth, taste and touch highly disrupted.
Frequent memory loss
Spacey feeling
Foggy feeling
Tunnel like feeling - as if I am walking around in my own encapsulated dark-rimmed tunnel and other people are millions of miles away. For them to disrupt me in this mode is very painful, and I fear what I might do or how I might react to them, as if I will embarrass myself.
Feeling flattened, or that I'm in a room with no depth and no color. All I "see" is white, but _not _in the sense that I hallucinate. It's more of a mental perception.
Periodic crying, depression
Debilitating apathy. In order to do anything, I have to list out the things I used to enjoy and tick them off as I do them. This somehow gets my mind back up to speed and helps me to think of something other than the apathy.
Sometimes lose my ability to focus, particularly when someone else is talking to me. I was convinced I had adult ADD. My mind just blanks out mid-conversation for no known reason, and I'm completely unable to recover where I left off. 
Looking at the sky and not being able to perceive the layers of clouds. Reality itself is 2-dimensional. The depth of life is gone, and I'm just living in a paper world.
Twitching in my neck
Mild social anxiety - always feeling like people are judging my appearance or my capability as an employee. I anticipate negative comments.
I anticipate negative circumstances. For example, while driving down the highway, I imagine that cars are going to come into my lane, that deer are going to run out in front of me, and that there will just be this ball of fire... I worry that my husband will be left alone and there's nothing I can do about it.
Obsessive worry that I am developing a life-altering disease because of all my anxiety/depression symptoms.
Occasional inability to focus my eyes, and once in a while I see floaters or comet-like flashes.
Mood swings that result in crying or being unexpectedly b*tchy.
Extreme fatigue or occasional insomnia
Very rarely, mild dizziness

Here's a list of things that I do *NOT *experience (that I'm aware of):

Panic attacks
Reality distortions (hallucinations)
Inability to recognize myself in the mirror
Fear of asking questions or standing up for myself. This is hard to explain because I do have some social anxiety, but it's almost as if being on a stage of some sort is better for me than being a member of a small crowd. Asking direct questions puts me on a stage (for example, in a classroom or in a store).


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## Mazzy

> But there are times when I do feel normal, but then I feel so great I overacheive (cause I can actually get something done) and I wear myself out.


I do exactly the same thing. For example, I'm overweight, but for years, I've been in this cycle of trying lose weight, getting depressed, stopping, getting well, then trying again. Basically, I have to stop exercise because I wear myself out so much. Last month, I worked out for about an hour a day because I felt well enough for the first time in a long time. I started to wear myself out again, and would get sad and cry periodically. Then, instead of listening to my signals, I got excited that I was finally losing some poundage, so I decided to go on this 30 mile bike ride. Well, that was that. I got DP right away and haven't recovered since.

This also happens when I'm experiencing apathy. I feel so apathetic - like everything is pointless, so why bother? But, then I will start to write stuff down that I used to enjoy and try doing those things (purely for the sake of recovering from the apathy - not because I really want to do those things). This is a tactic called "baselining" that I read about in a book on depression. But, when I start to do that, I get hyperexcited and want to accomplish everything all at once. Like, I can't do anything slowly. It's either superfast or stop. I will have insomnia dwelling on all my little projects, or I will sleep constantly trying to hide from my creative obsessions.


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## tia

For me....

It varies on the day.

Good times....
so focused, you could connected with the universal creativity, you hear the silence and feel the peace...if only we lived in a bubble.

Bad times....like you are fighting a demons, deliruim, in and out, fighting and fight, breathing and failing, hopelessness, trapped.

Other times....
pain thoughout the body like your facsia hurts...sometimes just other areas.

others...
fear/panic/ rapid thoughts, despair,

others...somatoform...
insist it must be medical mystery i can solve

others....
no memory of one minute ago
Though I don't recall 99% of life

others....feel the music, sense the deep, spiritual connection adn hear the guides tell you its ok, give you small messages of hope and peace

others like being tortured in an unending detachment...trying to come back

sometimes i feel i can't move or speak,
sometimes, my eyes just dart around,
sometimes, i see the world like van gogh's bedroom, but sometimes i hear the slighted sound as a symphony....

sometimes i know things i couldn't know,

and sometimes i fear things that most say aren't real....

intelligence fighting delirioum..with timesof complete sanity that completely confused you....and make you know you are or you could be in this life without fighting....and how wonderful it could be....i'd give up the peaceful moments in a heartbeat, the world, to be in it, without constantly bringing yourself back..... those fleeting moments well i live for...
i have two young boys i fight to be be with moment to moment....
i can't describe it all....
you will think i'm nuts...but so do I

i just get up everyday and try again....

a favorite line from childhood songs....sound dumb i know, but it describes my fight....

in the clearing stnads a boxer....and he carried the reminders of every gloves that laid him down ...till he cried out in his anger and his shame...I am leaving, I am leaving....but the fighter still remains....

i can't cry i am so depressed....
i smile to try...and i get up everyday and try to hope

i'm done rambling....
i send you hope you are on the other side tonight...the quiet side of peace...and no thoughts...t


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## Raindrops

Since I was seventeen, on and off, I've experienced a dream state. It started with a vast amount of stress, and then before I realized what had happened, my mind clicked, and reality became just a memory. I went to a doctor and tried to explain to him how I felt, and his answer was nerve pills. Which didn't help by the way.

Over the years, the symptoms began to fade, and I felt normal. Here just recently, I was under a lot of pressure trying to meet my deadlines on my two novels, and it hit me out of the clear blue. I was on my way back to the computer, and suddenly, everything looked weird. Immediately, I knew what had happened.

Here is a list of symptoms I experience:

A dream like state.
I can see everything around me; I interact with everyone, but it doesn't feel real.
I feel like I'm going crazy. 
I don't have a lot of energy.
It's like I'm seeing scenes like a movie as I interact with daily life. 
Certain lights cause this feeling to intensify. 
When I'm tired, it comes on stronger.
I'm not comfortable going to sleep, because all I see is a hollow space. 
I'm easy to startle and sometimes sounds intensifies. 
It's hard to concentrate. 
It's like I almost feel reality, but I just can't reach it. 
There are other feelings that I experience, but it's hard to explain.

I try very hard to ignore this, but it always seems to get the best of me. When these feelings scare me, my heart races, I start to feel short winded, and I shake. I know this is caused from anxiety and when this flares up, I calmly talk myself out it and it works.

Not too long ago, my son who was diagnosed with Bi-Polar, experienced this, also. His doctor prescribed him some medicine and it subsided. So maybe there is hope.


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## dreaming^again

im 21 and I started noticing my dpdr 1 year ago,but actually if i look back in life it all started when I was 17 and just worsened into bigger problems as I got older.panic depression obsessive anxious you name it.
I just quit smoking and all of the sudden It hit me so hard harder than Ive ever felt before,for a whole week I couldnt see straight,fuzzy,feel like im a walking zombie,but the only thing that really bothers me and makes me feel horrible than I allready do,is that I have a 2 year old daughter and I look at her and she is no longer clear to me....like shes fading away or something,im so unhappy with myself that I just cant snap out of it...I try blinking really hard,again ...again....again...think maybe if I go to sleep Ill wake up feeling normal again.....wait I think so...no Im still just as fucked up as I was when I went to sleep.Any way,Ive found ways to sorta block it out,LIKE I know its their I can feel it,but I just stop think about what I was gonna do or doing and just dont let my mind go there....its successful sometimes.

ooooh question for anyone?does it ever feel like for a while it seemed like it was gone and then you thought about it and felt like so much time had passed but really it was like an hour or so..that happens to me all the time and it freaks me right out,like thats when it feels the worst when that time had passed and you didnt even feel like it had like it was lost time,if you know what I mean!!


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## Raindrops

Dreaming again; it does feel like a trance. I failed to mention that, but some times it feels as though you've slipped into a trance and you can't snap out of it. I stare out a lot. Yes, I can certainly relate.

I have five children, and my husband has diabetes and MS, so it is very stressful around my household.


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## tia

Wow. I love to see the responses. I am DP rightnow, but thinking clear.
For those of you who are young, I just want to tell you you will be ok. Try not to be afraid. The feeling can be terrifying especially at first.

Ten years ago I got my first serious symptoms. I had always had DP I believe, but it never incapacitated me. I just thouht I was a little nutto.

First, its ok to be a little crazy. Don't fight it. Try to see the fun in it.

Second, you are not alone.

My symptoms started as a feeling like I was Stoned.
I told the MDs that and no one understood.
But I understand what you are going through.
If you ever need anyone to explain it to your family...show them this site....there are adults who have been dealing with this for years.

My last posting was probably a little too sincere. 
I was having a bad night. But I guess it allows others to see they are not alone.

Over the years I have had this disasoociation on and off. At times its overwhelming and other times I can control it better. 
Right now is one of those times that I am struggling.

I have found a wonderful program called DBT. There is a site http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ I recommend. It helps you learn techniques to stay in reality.

I would suggest finding a psychiatrist familiar with DP and DBT. Many of you may need some medication to calm the anxiety depression and thoughts.

Also, if you can find a counselor and a DBT group(run by counselors) it would help. Insurance often covers this or there are programs in each state for those w/o insurance...mental health programs.

You can not do this alone.

I've tried for years. These are things that help me.

Some DBT things to try:

With racing thoughts....
Tell yourself ( or have someone tell you) something like this...
Don't think of a pink elephant with white spots and a purple tail. You can't help it, your mind will see that elephant. If you can laugh and maybe make up more silly things you are moving your mind from the emotional side to the rational side. You are stopping the way you are thinking. Even for a short time.

For spacing out and feeling like you are not present:
Hand cream with a great smell that you like. Rub alot of it over your hands and swish it around. Feel your fingers and have your fingers feel the cream. Keep doing it.

For when you are panicing:
Say I like ice cream. Then (Someone else is great for this) you or someone says Well, I like green. I like cookies. I like green eggs and ham. I like kid books.

For despairation:
Turn on kids shows. Nick has Dora and Diego the explorers. Blue's Clues.
Disney has little einstiens and pooh bear. ( I often feel like pooh and it makes me smiles. He's stoned but enjoying it.) And notice how everyone accepts him just how he is. Even that perfect rabbit. Its ok to be the out there stoned one...just don't hide it. Then you let off negativity, push others away, and sit in fear. Let others know how crazy you are and try to laugh at yourself. Think of pooh. Love yourself for your spaciness. See the cool parts of it.
Also, Go online to disney or nick jr. Play the silly games. Especially the ones with letters and numbers.

These games and card games (online or off) or sudoki make you use your rational mind.

Your emotional mind is reacting to this DP experience. It is scared. If you use your rational mind it pulls you out enough to think. Then you can work on DBT things like....Emotional mind+ Rational Mind = Wise mind. This is the mind that is clear.

Mindfulness.

Another one for fear....
look infront of you. what is there that is concrete in the real world. Describe it outloud in detail. It is a white pot with a green plant with pointy leaves on a brown table.....

Breathing helps...but I know that its hard to breath...not as easy as they say...often i can breath deeply after one of these activities.

Also, get index cards and a box or small bag you can carry around. Write on them:
I am ok. 
Do this exercise...(see above)
My thoughts are not always true.
My mind is stronger than my thoughts.
Its ok if I DP.
Use handcream now.
One happy thought 5000 times. (this is a theory that it takes 5000 times repeating a thought to yourself for it to stick. Try to stop the negative ones and put in the good ones....but don't berate yourself after when the negative ones come back.....smiles)
I am strong.

Carry them around. Pull them out all the time.

I don't have answers for how to stop it. These are just things I am learning that may help you too. I can't always do them myself and it takes repetition over and over and time to do each one.

And if you forget like me...
the cards are great....
make two sets for when you lose the first....smiles....

Put big posters on your walls...reminding you of things....good things....

Try to see the gift of this too. When you are clear or if you are lucky enough to have non DP times....

Think about how if you can calm and take the DP in a different direction...one of light and nature, spirituality (positive), and energy. You can probably feel more sensations then most of the planet. You can hear music throughout your spaced out energy and feel your energy expand beyond the whole room. Joining the universal energy and knowledge. A buddist type meidation some people try there whole lives to achieve. You already have it....

You just, and I just, need to learn how to control it. And take the empathy and strong emotions and sensations....add them to the rationsal mind that is not negating yourself and telling you you are crazy, messed up, going to end up in a mental institution, etc...the rational mind that tells you you are human and this is a human experience....and form your WISE mind. When we can learn to live more in the wise mind....the DP can be a gift.

I invite you to try this with me.
I am not a genius. 
But most people with DP are highly intelligent. It takes an amazing amount of energy and connectiness with yourself to lose yourself and DP. You have learned a highly advance skill to zone out let your body leave a bad situation. A skill people have been trying to find for years.
Join me in trying to learn to control it.
I need you all also, because I forget.
If we have this group here, we can bring each other up.

In my iwse mind I say to you. Take that energy, float, spread the energy out from you, and when you can be alone and meditate...send it out to everyone on this site. A white ball of like encircling us. Ask for guidance for all of us. And protection. And peace.

If you know you are not alone and others are sending you hope....you and I can figure this out....and maybe find the gift in it.

I will mediatate regularly, when I remember, and ask the universe to send us all wisdom nd a sense of hope.

If this helps you and you get any insights...post them ....

Tia


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## tia

Hey-
I totally get what you mean by kids. I get so overwhelmed I sit ina chair and stare at the wall. Sometimes they almost have to throw something at me to remind me where I am.
I'm in a good place today.....so maybe on a bad day you can remind me of this.....I'll forget I'm sure...
Its ok.
You are a great mom, you are just overdone. You are fried. Dp is enough bit DP with kids is over the top.
Let yourself SP when they are all safe....and try to see it as rest...don;t panic...try that dbt self help website...type bbt into google...lots of sites...

think of it as Calgon taking you away.
Drink a large glass of really COLD water while your sitting there.
Then think of thing to affirm yourslef.
I dressed 5 kids today. I cleaned the living room 6 times today and its a mess but I cleaned it 5 times today....that's huge. 
Give yourself credit for how strong you are...how intelligent your mind/body is that it knows it needs to stop and stare....

Repeat something...like peace...or just let your thoughts disappear and see if you can enjoy this...even for 5 seconds...if that's all you get.

I highly recommend Louise Haye's tape called "Affirmations." She is a person who makes affirming relaxing CDs etc. They are mediations that you can play in the background even when you are not listening. Those thoughts played 5000x will stick a bit.

Also remember to eat healthy. Less sugar, lessen the caffiene by one cup. I know you are probably soo tired you need these things...but it can make it worse too.

Drink a small oj in the moring. to get you going. 4 oz. Then try cheese chunks or toast and peanut butter snascks.

Hope you don't my advice. Its helping me remember to write to you. I'm going to go put on my affirmation tape now.....

You are strong.

Tia


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## HalfAPerson

ugh...delete


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## Martinique

I have my own way of describing my experience, but I have to say how beautiful and fulfilling it was to read Janine's version. Much less spooky than mine! I hope you don't mind Janine, but I printed your spot on description in the hope that someone in my family will be able to understand your version, since clearly mine makes people step slowly backward.

For me, my sense of self is very strong, it is not that I don't know WHO I am, I don't know WHAT I am. My body feels foreign and strange, I call my body, The Puppet, as if she is a separate entity from me. I see my life/experience from inside The Puppet's eyes. If she closes one eye, I can see her nose and lips, the fringe of eyelashes. I don't know who the Puppet is and why I have been cast inside her. What happens when the Puppet dies? How am I released? Are we trapped forever inside the Puppet? Is that Hell?

The sound of The Puppet's voice freaks me out and intensifies the feeling of being separated. I feel no connection to the voice coming out of her mouth, or even the words she says. Who put these words inside the Puppet's head? I am not even connected to my brain. There is the outer shell - The Puppet, then there is the brain which I suppose is in cahoots with The Puppet, and then there is me, the soul I guess. The true essence of consciousness - the sentient part. I do not think The Puppet is sentient, at least not without help. But that's another story.

Anyway, I have a whole theory about space & Time and boundaries, but that is too long and not yet polished and way too wierd....but I am currently seeing a psych for the depression and bipolar II problems I have. Therapy will never help me. How do you talk a person out of a belief in death? How do you find meaning in the face of abject emptiness, when you know that all we are is mostly empty space? It makes sense and it will never not make sense. So I let them medicate me so I don't do anything "foolish". But this is so GREAT to have found a place where I belong. I've never, ever found anyone who understands, never anyone who so eloquently and perfectly explained this raw perception the way Janine did. The Puppet is pretty slapstick in comparison. But that's what it means to me. The five most beautiful words to hear - "I know what you mean".


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## mezz

hello all I'm new here. My name is Pete. I'm 18 years old and I'm from Finland (excuse my bad(?) English.)

I'm not exactly sure if I have DR and/or DP.

anyway, I've been feeling like this for about one year for now and almost 24/7. Sometimes I feel almost real and normal though.

I used to have panic attacks and then get this unreal feeling, then after one panic attack the feeling just left on. After that I havent had real panic attacks but some sort of anxiety and minor panic.

Here's what I feel:

like being in a dream
my body feels weightless/numb/light 24/7
dizzyness at times
it's hard to concentrate
having diffuculties with my memory (sometimes feeling 'strange' about being/having been with my gf because it's hard to gather my memories)
chroninc tiredness
I'm afraid of losing my mind
I'm afraid I'm dreaming, or that 'this isnt real'.
constant fear of some serious disease
difficulties getting sleep
numbness bothers sex (it feels 'lame' a times. non full erection . and hard to 'get'.. am i bein too open here :s)
i get scared of weird things
i wont get scared of some things i guess i should
pain in neck and back, sometimes in head too (had MRI.. no tumor etc.)
it's hard to urinate when there's someone close to me
sometimes numbness and sensation of heat on my cheeks
my heart is beating hard and fast at times
when I drink, even just one or two beer, i'll get terrible panic etc.

*I'm not sure what you people mean when you say you feel like watching reality through glass or seeing in 2D. I'm not sure if I feel like that.. Can I have dr/dp without those?*


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## wuzzy

I have spent the last 18 months in therapy starting with axiety depression then diagnosed with ptsd adhd and now depersonalization disorder. I have been like this since before I started school. My childhood was a frightening thing. I have had a few times in my llife when I was in myself and it was wonderful. I felt so powerful and vivid. I always new other people didn't see the world like me and accepted that long ago. My doctor says it is not a matter of rehabilitation but habilitation for me. I won't be defined by this and I will do my best to find the path to myself.


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## The_Shadow

- Things sometimes seem "dreamlike" (especially in bright sunlight.)

-Weird thoughts concerning the nature of time: What is the past? What are memories? As soon as I act or do something, it becomes part of the "past". Etc. etc.


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## sandc

ive only just joined. ive read a few of the replies on here but not all of them, so in my own words...

i feel like at some point i died. i died and im not really here anymore. nothing around me is real and neither am i. im on the outside watching this person that i dont recognise. i dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror, i dont recognise my own voice when i speak. i look at things ive seen a thousand times before and feel like im looking at them for the first time even though i KNOW and remember ive seen them before. i feel like at any second now i am going to go COMPLETELY insane and know nothing about it. sometmes i wish i would - at least then someone might try and help me. i feel like NO ONE understands. I feel like i am a total pyscho. i feel like maybe im asleep and dreaming. i dont recognise my own children, or feel like they are mine. i look at my hands (or any part of my body) and its like im looking at someone else

ive always had "bouts" of this which come and go but now its constant. its all the time. i cant get back in this time which is something i was always afraid of. i feel like my consciousness has expanded into everything around me so its not inside my body anymore. i feel totally out of control. i feel like i could do things and it wouldnt even be me.


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## sandc

ive only just joined. ive read a few of the replies on here but not all of them, so in my own words...

i feel like at some point i died. i died and im not really here anymore. nothing around me is real and neither am i. im on the outside watching this person that i dont recognise. i dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror, i dont recognise my own voice when i speak. i look at things ive seen a thousand times before and feel like im looking at them for the first time even though i KNOW and remember ive seen them before. i feel like at any second now i am going to go COMPLETELY insane and know nothing about it. sometmes i wish i would - at least then someone might try and help me. i feel like NO ONE understands. I feel like i am a total pyscho. i feel like maybe im asleep and dreaming. i dont recognise my own children, or feel like they are mine. i look at my hands (or any part of my body) and its like im looking at someone else

ive always had "bouts" of this which come and go but now its constant. its all the time. i cant get back in this time which is something i was always afraid of. i feel like my consciousness has expanded into everything around me so its not inside my body anymore. i feel totally out of control. i feel like i could do things and it wouldnt even be me.


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## Danish Dreamer

Hi sandc!

I can relate to , well.. all the things you are writing.
I have been in this condition (excuse my bad english, im from denmark) in almost 6 years. It is a terrible feeling! And i wish too, that someone just couldt understand me.. In Denmark, they dont know a thing about dp and dr, it really sucks! Have you talked to anybody "profesional" about it?

Kindest regards, Heidi


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## KittyKitten5

Actually reading through your stuff makes me wonder if I had dr/dp...the description on the site hit more close to home...My symptoms, at least many of them, have randomly subsided, but I have a few main ones that come up.
-sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see myself as if I were an outsider, like I had never seen my face before
-sometimes I am looking in the mirror and I'm with another person and it seems surreal...like we're not even people
-when I'm with my boyfriend (who I'd always been very very close to until this stuff started), I look at him as if I'd never seen him before and when we talk sometimes it seems like we're not even close at all, even though there is no reason for why we wouldn't be...this is the most distressing of my symptoms
-i get thoughts I know are bs, and I logically tell myself they are not true, but I still can't help but believe in them
-i sometimes feel like i've completely lost touch with who i am, what i'm interested in, etc..
-i feel completely unable to feel my emotions
-i don't associate time well (for example, I know it's someone's birthday on the 19th, but when I look at the calendar and see the 19th, that doesnt' ring a bell...and I had never forgotten people's birthdays before)
-i very often ask what if and why questions...since my most distressful thing is about my boyfriend, I find myself ruminating on what love is, how does it work, why do we love this person and not someone else, had we met someone else first, would i love that person and not this one, what is love, what is a connection, how do i know that these feelings are specific to this person or they would be the same with anyone had i been with someone else...often i start comparing how i feel with others or imagining i'm saying the same thing to someone else and feel like i've lost touch with reality alltogether
-my values don't seem to matter...or maybe that's not a good description, i'm not sure...when i'm asking myself those questions about "had i met this person" or whatever, it doesn't seem to make any impression on me that they are 50 years older, married, that I'm in a relationship, or that i wouldn't even ever look twice at this person and in reality would never have this...it's like none of that matters and yet i know it does...it's like i feel that i am in a purely philosophical world, and i know what the reality is, but i can't register it in my head and i can't tell the difference sometimes between my real emotions and my thoughts
-when i'm in a dr state, it feels like i've always been in it, when i'm out of it, i feel like i'll never fall into it again and all the things i was thinking before were obviously false and silly...but it takes extreme work to get out of it and only one dumb thought to fall right back in....so frustrating
.......yeah, so no visual distortions or sound distortions for me...maybe 2 or 3 years of this isn't enough, maybe i'm headed down that road and i have something to "look forward" to...


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## chiendeguerre

Hiya Fellas

I just landed from the Planet Pauluto and I'm looking for some intelligent life.

Seriously, I left a few posts on the intro section and I need some feedback to see if Im in the right dimension.

Someone speak to me?


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## mazz

i dont even know what it feels like because im not really there if that makes any sence, but coming back down to reality i find myself crying, scaired, hiding and confused


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## PPPP

I've always had trouble trying to explain it but before, when I've tried to tell the people closest to me what was wrong I would try to explain that even though I knew I was awake, I felt like I was still my dreaming self instead of my awake self.
On the bad days when I'm really out I would say I was 'the zombie' as in my brain was dead and my body was just going through the motions.
I could be screaming, or laughing, or crying and it isn't fake really but I don't actually feel anything about it at all.


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## JJ777

Here is how I am.

Head constantly tripping from LSD use from years back Have been recently using another substance but has not changed anything.

When in dark environment intense coloured static forming into patterns and shapes.

-not feeling like my 'old' self, feeling like a ghost, as if I'd died 
-emotions feeling flat, worrying about being potentially psychotic and unable to really feel anything for other people

-feeling detached from people, the world, myself 
-feeling numb

Anyway thats how it is now . In the past I have suffered Anxiety to the extreme. Felt like I was moments away from losing mymind.

Thoughts jumping in all sorts of directions.

Things seeming Unreal I guess it is still like that.I have just had it for so long it seems normal.

If anyone has had same symptons and pulled themselves out It would be greatly appreciated if u post or some advice on how U cope with these symptons. That would completley Rip Thanx Jonathan


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## JJ777

Here is how I am.

Head constantly tripping from LSD use from years back Have been recently using another substance but has not changed anything.

When in dark environment intense coloured static forming into patterns and shapes.

-not feeling like my 'old' self, feeling like a ghost, as if I'd died 
-emotions feeling flat, worrying about being potentially psychotic and unable to really feel anything for other people

-feeling detached from people, the world, myself 
-feeling numb

Anyway thats how it is now . In the past I have suffered Anxiety to the extreme. Felt like I was moments away from losing mymind.

Thoughts jumping in all sorts of directions.

Things seeming Unreal I guess it is still like that.I have just had it for so long it seems normal.

If anyone has had same symptons and pulled themselves out It would be greatly appreciated if u post or some advice on how U cope with these symptons. That would completley Rip Thanx Jonathan


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## Christine926

_*I am fairly new to the idea that I have Depersonalization Disorder. However, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I am 18 years old, and have been experiencing this for about 8 months now. I am hoping, that by joining this forum, that I can be provided some relief by knowing that others are dealing with this everyday just like me.

You may find my symptoms familiar, if so, please say something. I have only

- When I wake up it's the worst. I feel like I'm just going with the motions. Nothing feels REAL!! I'm sure many of you have said this to your doctor, family or friends. It just doesn't feel real! That's the first thing I can say. Than I have to dig deeper.

- It's a struggle to think. It's so hard to explain to others what exactly is going on. Because I barely know. It's almost like I can see my brain as a picture. An empty shell with words and images shooting everywhere. I feel as if I can grasp one, only for a few seconds, and then let it go again and everything is jumbled.

- When it's sunny outside, or I'm in a store that is very bright, everything intensifies. For example, I've always enjoyed shopping. I was in Target the other day and I barely knew where I was going. It seemed like a chore. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everything was off, and it was scary. Something about stores and lights and people shopping was like a nightmare.

- When I have something in my hands, and I look at it closely, I can almost see it as a movie. Like someone looking down at a wrapper. I could stare at it for hours, because it looks so animated and strange.

- I don't feel like I can enjoy life. I know I should be happy. It's winter, almost Christmas, joy is in the air, I almost feel good, but not quite. I'm just quiet. I just go with the motions. I can't register anything as being real. I don't feel real.

- If something upsetting happens, I forget about it right after it happens. I had a very scary surgery not too long ago, and I haven't had an emotion about it since.

I feel as if my life is spiralling out of control. Every doctor I go to tries to tell me that it's just depression. I KNOW IT'S NOT! I'm so positive that it's not. Nothing that I've read about Depersonalization (a hell of a lot) has sounded unfamiliar.

We all just want to be happy.

I've also read that there is no sure-thing cure. Or even sure-thing medication. It's almost like this x-zone that will take years to figure out. I'm willing to try things..but I can't get a job or go to school feeling like this. I simply cannot. And the hardest part is explaining that to others.

 anyone know what I mean? Ha.

-Casey.

PS- If you'd like to e-mail me, because I am not computer savvy and have a hard time figuring this forum out, my email is [email protected]*_


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## Christine926

_*[email protected]

AIM-MediocriityRules*_[/i][/b]


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## reba

I am just feeling such relief this afternoon as I type this, having just read, for the first time, others' descriptions of their states of awareness/being that are so similar to my own. I guess I figured I wasn't the only one out there, but I had never found anyone who had voiced a similar experience. The internet can be a wonderful thing for bringing folks together.

My experience: onset - age 12, first noticed during 7th grade algebra class. Went home and told my mom I felt weird, like I was in a fog. Like I was hearing myself and others talk with some kind of delay. Like the physical _hearing _and the _processing of what I was hearing_ had been separated. Like I was viewing everything through some kind of filter. She (a nurse) asked me if I was hearing voices or anything like that and was relieved when I said no. I guess voices are the defining feature of "really needing help." I have been in this fog ever since and I do not recall it ever lifting, even for a few seconds.

I would love for this sensation to go away, especially now that I have a 6 month old daughter whom I love dearly. I want to look at her and SEE her. When I tickle her tummy and we both laugh, it is like I am laughing inside along with the person who is the physical shell I am in...but it's ok...at least we are both laughing, meaning that the "inside" me is enjoying the experience. Other major events...wedding: fog (I suppose some would argue everyone feels that way), college: fog. I remember almost nothing of social interactions/situations/people other than close friends in college, although I do remember much of the course material for the classes I liked. Even grad school in the not-so-distant past: fog. At present, I find that the only time that it is a major problem for me is when I am teaching or trying to have a discussion that requires critical thinking -- I normally do those things on autopilot, and by that, I don't mean that I've done it so much that it's natural -- I mean that the "outside" me is doing it. The problem arises when I get so detached from "outside" me that I stop listening to myself. Then I freeze and wonder if I've just said something that makes no sense at all.

Possible reasons for onset:
puberty? 
major marital strife of my parents when I was 12 preceded by perceived family harmony? 
related to some OCD-type things I tend to do?

Wellbutrin, which I have taken for more than 10 years, does help to remove the low lows I experience and makes me think less about the fog. Still, I would love to hear about a magic pill to be clear-thinking and real again.

Thanks for being here, DP/DR community.
-Reba


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## EverDream

I think i have Dr more than Dp. when it's bad, i see everything blured. like i'm in some sort of fog. disconnected from everyone. everything seems so unreal to me. people looks like strangers in a way. sometimes i can even see the situation that i'm in- from the side and that's creepy. i try to focus but i can't and it's driving me CRAZY! I sometimes can even see in a way myself talking and that's weird. i can't think clearly and remember things when it's bad.

When it's less bad [i'm less stressful] it's just seems unreal and i feel quite dizzy... hard to explain... :?


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## dixie

Hi
For me it's like reality keeps changing.

I will experience people with one set of eyes and feel something about what they have said then will completely forget my interaction with them and feel I am starting out with them for the first time. It is so hard to communicate and remember when I was with them. Time gets lost. I find it am out there on my own feel totally misunderstood and feeling two lots of feelings that keep me stuck.

I experience doing things for the first time and have no recall at times of doing it before, which is scarey. Got in the car the other day and did not know how to start it or what to do.

There are many experiences all the time. I need to stay in my same clothing so I have some continuity which people find hard to understand, I do not like changes as it throws me into disarray.

I hope that gives you some insight to me.
dixie


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## Guest

My experience is just going to be repetition from many of yours but I'll explain it anyway...

-*dissasociation* from everything but my own obsessive thoughts...like being trapped inside my mind
-*lightheaded/drugged/brain fog*
-*fear of going "insane"*
-*questioning* everything
-a genuine strong and disturbing feeling of *insecurity* and *apathy* about everything around me
-like i'm *"graying out"*, like my personality is being dissolved into some sort of oblivion
-constant *overanalyzing*; analyzing mostly everything around me, and especially myself; observing my thoughts and actions and everything i say, feeling like everything is a dire decision, and all my efforts to feel "normal" will be futile
-feeling *alone* and *separated* from my surroundings, and *apprehensive* as to what is really happening and why it is happening
-losing interest in just about everything; things seem *meaningless and nonsensical*
-*frightened* as to when i'll "return" to myself
-feeling really *awkward* at being human, noticing every little thing about my body, almost being frightened at the fact that i exist
-*forgetting what it feels like to be normal*
-like i've turned from my real self into some other *non-human* version of me
-my vision is coming from somewhere behind my eyes, like i'm *buried* within the depth of my brain and i want to break out of some sort of cacoon
-i'm in the world but not truly participating, more of an *observer*
-like i'm experiencing the world through a *filter*
-like i just want to *wake up*

There are always more aspects to this. In general it is just a *lightheaded, mind/body separation feeling accompanied by strange, obsessive, or weird thoughts*. Very frightening and frustrating. At least I'm learning to deal with it a little better.


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## el

When I'm in a theatre and watching something emotionally powerful and overwhelming, I get this feeling of something huge inside me which goes beyond my physical body, world and anything I know. And I'm this invisible floating particle which is about to dissolve in the infinity. So, I have to touch someone sitting next to me, someone alive and human, and hold onto them, so I don't vanish.

It's strange that I can't be moved by my own life but I get such an emotional response from art. But it really freaks me out.

I learned how to live with this. And I look at it as something that lets me experience life in a very unique way, my own way. It's like I discovered something I shouldn't have, but now it's there and I can't pretend that I never saw it. Also it made me so sickeningly honest about how I feel and who I am. I sometimes really dread people asking me this kind of questions, as I know that it's not going to be simple "yes, fine". I feel, no I know that if I fake or pretend (which I used to do for so long) what is left of me will disappear. Maybe all this DP is the way my soul communicates with me, it got so tired of being neglected so it has to scream at me now in order to be heard.


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## invisible.ink

I know that feeling, el. When I get really into a movie I feel like I dissolve into it. People have even remarked about how I look when I'm watching a movie.


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## Guest

It's like doing a 24/7 barrel roll.


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## Guest

> It's like doing a 24/7 barrel roll.


ROFLOL :lol:

Bless the barrel roll :lol:


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## Raindrops

Here lately, I feel as though I have fallen so far inside myself, that I will never come back out. I'm only eyes it seems, and my body is on autopilot. I can see everything around me like always, but nothing really registers if that makes sense.

What I find that's really frightening, is that I have forgotten what it's like to be normal. And then I wonder if I will ever be able to pull myself out of this or will I be stuck for good.

I don't know if any of you ever do this, but sometimes it feels as though I've lost time. I can't really explain it, but I guess it's just part of DP. When I get like this, I get very emotional.

I do have some questions. Do any of you have trouble concentrating? I'm an author, and writing is my life. After DP came on, it hasn't been very easy for me to click out stories like I used to. Granted, I still have tons of stories to tell, but I lose track when I'm writing them, and I can't get in the zone like before.

Also, have you ever just stared like you're in a trance? I some times find myself doing this when I'm trying to concentrate.

DP is not new to me. When I was seventeen, and under a tremendous amount of stress, it just came on me suddenly. A year ago in April, I was facing deadlines on my books and because of the huge amount of stress, it just came on-again.

Anyway, it helps to talk about this with others who face the same thing daily. Also, I've learned to cope with this through prayer. The Lord calms me and I don't panic like I used to. I guess this is part of my life right now, or a season, and when it passes, I'll go back to being my old self.

Raindrops :wink:


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## invisible.ink

I'm a writer as well (amateur) and I find it incredibly difficult to concentrate with DP. My memory has become horrible, too.
I don't write as much as I used to because of it.


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## mastermind2007

Well yeah concentrating is very hard.
But fortunately I've found ways myself to deal at least partly with it.
You just have to keep asking yourself what the matter is, and that sincerely and not just empty talk.
And then after a while you see that you somehow hide yourself.

The most important part, I think, is that we have to realize that it is us, WE, who cause that, and that we have the ability, the power, the strenght to change it.
That is, if we only really want!


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## suz

Well said Mastermind. Keep that faith and I believe you'll be fine. : )


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## user74

My world is not the same as it used to be, but I feel more like when it felt as i was a child now than i used to do. Its more intence, clear, still a bit more "dreamlike" and otherwordly than before.

It all started to change when i read a book "Return to love" with Mariann Williamson, and one evening it just snapped inside my head. I felt as that was something i had forgot and had to remeber. At that time i loved this and wanted to experience more of the spiritual.

I got interested in philosophy and spiritual development, and in the spring of 1998 i woke up one morning and the whole world had changed! It looked and felt different and it was wonderful, just perfect. No fear, no irritation, and a big hunk of self-love and acceptence. The world looked much moore intensive, like my first good mdma trip. I must say that I had not used hard drugs for 1 year at that time, and it was 4 weeks since i had smoked mariuana and that was only for 7-8 times in 6 mnds. I had done mdma about 7-10 times in the years before. I dont belive the drugs had something to do whith the change, but i am not 100% sure. Anyway after the cahnge, i realy wanted to test drugs again and did so which was wonderful!! I had no fear, only good wibes, and had some very special trips that spring. In the middle of the summer the good feeling stoped, just as it had started, and my thinking came back to me, and i heard my voice in my head telling me how stupid i was that had been happy for so long, and that should never had used drugs ect, my ego came back to me, and i belived the voice in my head was me, not my ego. I see that the problem lies in that i belive that i am my voice that i hear in my head, but that is a problem of identification, and not so easily solved. And since that day i have been struggling whith many aches, feks:

-negative thoughts all the time
-feeling of being on a mild trip,dizzyness, not being able to be totaly calm and concenteated
-feeling the pulse almost all the time, and every heartbeat hurts
-problem breathing, and feeling a panic in the breath
-pannic attacks(only 2-4 till now)
-problem looking at people, fearing that they will look stange, and that i may look stupid when i become scared of looking at them
-shame for that i am different, shame for using drugs, anger towards myslf, and therefore anger towards against everything else
-feeling that i am looking at a new reality, a unknown starnge reality(which i earlier realy enjoyed)
-the difference from when i enjoyd it to now is that now i am not a part of it, but everyone else is, and before we were all together

-different visual experiences like that objects are shining, the whole room moving, static noice and other hppd experiences 
-staright lines are flickering like there is an apparent energy quality to it
-buildings, people etc looks 2-dimesional like puppets in strings 
-pressure to the head right side and on top
-pain in back/shoulders, spesialy in the right side
-hearing bones moving in the body(saw someone else had this, puh..)
-feeling of sadness because i feel like i am all alone whith this, but now i see that i am not, paradox..
-constantly paranoid, beliving everytrhing is about me, but I am aware thet this is not true, though I still experience the pain from the anxiety
-it feels like i am in "The truman show" whith Jim Carrey

Is there anybody hwo can help me explain this, or have a similar experiences?

Thanks!


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## KDM

I feel like im stoned all the time.
I have no sense of time.
I feel exhauted.
I get confused easily.
I cant make disicions.
I cant remember things.
I cant concentrate.
My life feels like a very realistic dream.
I sometimes think that im dead and my life is actualy hell.
I feel like im only my eyes.
I feel like I watch myself do things without telling myself to do them.
I feel depressed.
I get anxious.
I can stare into space for hours.
I never get bored.
I often think that someone drugged me.
My body gets this weird hurting feeling.
I dont remember what normal feels like.
Alot of stuff doesn't make sense to me.
I feel like I have no control over my life.
I feel like im trapped in my life and in my head.
I feel like im brain dead.
I feel alone.
Sometimes I feel like a bobblehead.
My body feels really awkward.
Im soo sensitive to anything people say to me.

Theres alot more I cant think of right now... But yea im sure alot of people already put some of the stuff I put.


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## mezz

Pretty like KDM's.

Unlike most(?), I dont think I see in 2D (or I just dont understand what it means).

What I suffer at the time: 
-feeling of weightlessness (well not completely wightless but _very_ ligh. maybe this is what most describe as feeling disconnected from their body?)
-sensation of unreality/living in a dream 
-consentrating being very hard, being confused most of the time, having 
-problems with remembering
-tiredness
-sleeplessness 
-emotional numbness at times 
-problems erection + getting an orgasm
-apathy at times 
-anxiety...

+ feeling "did I really write that^ post?"


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## Raindrops

KDM, it seems as though I share the same symptoms as you. I have been going through this for over a year now and I have forgotton what it's like to feel real.

I wish my mind would just go back to normal. It's so hard to deal with this day in and day out. I try very hard to ignore it, but it's not easy. Especially when I'm writing my novels, it's almost impossible to string words together that actually make sense. :roll:


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## reality27

i also have derealization everyday. it is not 24/7, but it is still too much to handle. i can't stand the lights getting bright and feeling like i'm living in a dream. i suffer from anxiety and this, and i hope that soon i can make my disorders and problems go away.


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## severed

I only have derealization. Basically I feel like I have no emotions (I still laugh, smile, cry, etc. but not in the same way, and I don't feel it with 100% of my being). Things have changed over time, I used to feel far away from my eyes, like I was watching a movie. Now it's more like I'm only in my head and my body is dangling from my neck. I rarely get excited, even if something really great happens, and when I shuold be excited I'm too tired to fake it so I just try to smile.

When it first started I basically believed that nothing was real, nothing existed, including, and I took Rene Descartes words to heart. I thought that my conciousness (and still do) was a trick and for a long time I wanted "out", but coudln't think of a way (I have this weird schema of the world set up). The world used to seem 2-D, but I've been with it for so long that I've gotten used to it.

The list is longer....


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## mezz

to add a few symptons:
- strong heart pulse, i feel it in my head, neck and sometimes stomach when im lying on the bed
- numbness in/around my left eye at times
- feeling like im *in* my shoes when i walk
- my legs feel weird when i walk, sometimes my legs (usually left one) feels stiff
- worrying about having some disease; i've even had a MRI scan and an HIV-test, gladly i've got no physical disease : )


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## ohelp

- 2d vision
- constant dream-like state
- feeling like i could wake up in some completely different place at any point
- obsessive thoughts about the meaning of existence
- emotional numbing
- irrational thoughts along the lines of being the only person on the planet, being dead (cortard's syndrome?), being in a mental hospital and simply hallucinating all of this 
- complete disorientation after waking up in the morning
- sometimes looking at myself from outside
- feeling as if there is an invisible wall between me and the rest of the wold


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## mezz

many of you have mentioned 2d vision... could someone explain me what does it actually mean to see in 2d? :?


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## Guest

It's like viewing the world through a tv screen.


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## suz

Yeah, like a loss of depth-perception, everything looks a bit like a picture.


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## Guest

Pretty picture like Suzi =).


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## Mr. Fly

Sorry for the absurd length of this, I've just never written it all down before.

I don't suffer from it every hour of every day. I'm nearly always spacey and daydreaming, but that doesn't bug me as much. There are certain things that I can count on to really set it off though.

Any place with large crowds can usually do it, especially if it's indoors with florescent lighting. Malls are the worst, supermarkets a close second. I'll just look around at everyone and I feel no connection to them. I just see the activities they go through in such a hurry and wonder what the point is. I can almost see their bubble of consciousness, what they're aware of, and tell that they are focusing on nothing else. But it's like I should be like them, with my own bubble and my own little meaningless running. It's like watching ants.

Movies also set it off, especially during the day. After the movie ends, I'll still be in it, carrying on the character's conversations or actions inside my head. Everything going on around me will seem like a movie too, with cinematic significance but no personal significance.

Interacting with people can do it too. Usually with a bigger group (not even that big really, 5 people can do it), I'll go off by myself...except I'm still right there. I'll be off in my own thoughts, observing but not connecting. Then someone will talk to me to try and involve me...ask me if I'm okay. Whatever I say in response, I don't feel I mean it. It's more like reflex than anything genuine. And I'll frequently think my friends are stupid for talking about the little things they do.

It was most damaging when I was with my ex and it would come up. Not feeling like anything I was saying to her was genuine...like I was saying it and doing it but not feeling it. Of course I knew I loved her, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was just going through the motions. And sometimes, it would happen during sex, and I would lose that sense of being close to her that I usually had.

It's like...lucid dreaming, but I'm awake. It's like I know too much for my own good, like waking up from the Matrix. I see everyone, and I know that they're just walking chemical reactions...programmed responses...animals at best...just being. But I can't just be. I have to know why, I have to know what I am. So I go about it backwards, letting myself define my actions instead of the other way around. I've had rampant identity crises, trying to be someone rather than just be. I dunno.


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## Rozanne

Welcome to the board. I hope it helps you.


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## mezz

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> It's like viewing the world through a tv screen.





suz said:


> Yeah, like a loss of depth-perception, everything looks a bit like a picture.


thank you!
i think i've had this 2d vision thing twice.. both times whilst seeing a concerts '-'


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## Guest

What's 3D like? I can't remember it myself.


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## mezz

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> What's 3D like? I can't remember it myself.


Do you really not see any depth?

Everything in my eyes look somehow different than it used to before.. I don't remember how it used to look before.. Perhaps I see in 2D all the time and don't even realise it, unless it actually means not seeing any depth in anything at all. :shock:


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## anyala84

I feel completely weightless all the time. I see my body moving, but I do not feel like I am apart of it. I keep telling myself to go with it, but it's been going on for months and I can't stand it anymore. I have tried ice, self talk, counseling, meds, but I just can't seem to come back to life. Most of the time I feel like my soul is going to fly out of my body and I have to fight to keep it in. Does anyone have any strategies that I am not using that has helped them or alleviated some of the symptoms?


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## lyn

Cn't believe there's actually live people out there who are the same as me! I have had this for 16 + yrs thinking at times I had schizophrenia, on my way to insanity never to get it back...I cn't tell you how less alone I feel, knowing there is others who 'get' where I'm coming from. I so wish there was a support group in my city but then, who wants to admit this in person! Well...got to the point where I dn't give a flip cause, what do ya do..

I'm on antidepressants, have been for same amount of yrs. Depression, anxiety, full of guilt brought on the depersonalization. I went to a psychiatrist lately instead of therapists and he told me I had dissociation so I did research and voila, depersonalization is me. I was so saddened when the pharmacist and I were talking of the meds he wanted to put me on, 'Risperadone', that this disorder is deep rooted. It let up years ago when it was first happening but it's here to stay.... Has anyone ever tried Risperadone or any other psychotic drug? I am so leery to go off my anti's as I have and likely always will suffer from depression. And to then go on a drug that is loaded with 'most-likely' upsetting side effects and all for a 'might' help.

For me, the best I can do is mottle thru life as best I can and hope for the best. Take my anti's, exercise at the Y 3 times a week, keep my part-time job even though I'm in lala land 99 % of the time. Keep as social as I can as I'd be content most of the time to be a recluse. I wo'nt go on of how I am because it's as you all go on of, same same. I thank whomever created this place, so much. I hope to hear back from someone, not many in chat I see or maybe it's an 'off' night. Just want to add, I never thought it possible for the brain to take us to this place of complete loss of self to put it mildly. I'm so scared.

thanks for reading,
lyn


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## personperson

For me, my symptoms started when I was about 15. I just started smoking pot when I noticed that my highs would last longer...I thought I could "stay" high. When my dad and I started not getting along (he was very authoritarian and belittling), I would notice that I could "tune him out" and just drift off out the window. The problem seemed to be that it would stay that way. I would stay floating. And I still feel like I'm floating, in a bubble, or with an aentenna on my head, as one of my friends would say. But I stopped smoking pot, and I still have it. I noticed it gets worse with caffiene or crowded situations, and yes, it takes me a long time too to figure out what's going on. If I'm uncomfortable in a situation, I don't even get a chance to feel the real feeling, I just have to struggle as much as I can to look "normal" and interpret my surroundings. People say I look "spaced out," and in a way, I am--it's like I'm watching a movie--if all the world is really a stage and we are all players, I guess I could act in the play and not sit out and watch. Sometimes I stare at people or things for a long time...and I've done this even when I was a kid. And I've definitely become more introverted as a result of this thing. Sometimes I think it makes me more intuitive--or, maybe I was just born that way. I know there is a lot of talk going on in my head and I tend to analyze things and have intrusive thoughts and images sometimes. But I notice that the voice inside my head can be funny--I don't get as scared of it anymore. I've learned to connect with it. But I still can't adequately connect to my feelings, or my surroundings. I just feel like my "head is going off"--but dancing helps me feel, or feel the music because I can tune into it so well. If I can tune into my thoughts, music can work too right? But it is hard to shut my head off. And some people truly don't understand. But I've had flashes of clarity and I remember how I used to feel everything and laugh and stuff. One of my friends and I used to act like it was sort of our secret because hey--people don't just know about this--and nobody really says, "Hey, I have depersonalization." But when you know about it in a person, which I wonder who does now that I think about it, maybe it could make you closer to them, like having blonde hair or something. I know I'm smart and can get far in life. And to tell you the truth, I don't really even think about having this "syndrome" or whatever it is---but you know what? It's there, and I'm me, and it's okay man. It's okay.


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## lyn

You've a good outlook so good for you! Thanks for sharing as it's so great after all these yrs to hear of others having same as I do. Not that I wish this upon anyone....

Carry on getting far in life, I wish you well,
Lyn


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## KDM

Yea people always say I look so 'out of it' and yea ill like stare at like people for the longest time and they'll catch me and but I keep staring and I think it creeps them out haha.


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## Guest

Thousand yard stare... common with soldiers:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_yard_stare

Bless their souls.


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## hippy123

Like many people DP and DR for me is like a nightmare because sometimes I cannot tell if I am dreaming or awake, I often feel spaced out with a lack of emotion. Not knowing who you are as a person is numbing and it feels like I'm a ghost sometimes. However the worst thing is the anxiety that has caused all these weird sensations. The constant worry, racing heart and confusion robs you of a normal life. Even when there are people everywhere it feels like I'm detached from them and things sometimes seem closer or further away than they should be. Its such a surreal experience like being trapped in a dream world.


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## luvautumn

for me, dp/dr is a year long walk thru a dark, crisp, vacant halloween house.. one that lives in an acid trip. it isn't usually scary for me - though sometimes i can't reconcile what i feel or sense with what IS. i feel in the know - at times. like i can sense things others cant. took many doc visits before they realized i wasn't psychotic or delusional. so now, i have fears about telling people what i see, think, or feel.... in high school on acid, it was cool to be odd.... now as an adult it is horrific. occassionally this disorder even interfers with my christian walk - for it lures me to explore the shadow rather than light side of things. but as i posted in another forum, this time of year - the fall - fosters a temporary safe haven for my ethereal thoughts.... as if it is ok to be different when wearing a halloween costume. hard to explain, so i apologize - so i just call me luvautumn's halloween acid house.


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## playing with shadows

i was diagnosed by my dr. guess a life of childhood abuse and then 4 years of chronic pain mess with the way your body deals with stuff.
empty.
that's how i feel. i feel empty. not at all real. like taking out the dimensions of feeling, i see the crowds, i see my notes, i see...... but it means nothing to me. i just want to lie down and never get back up, but i don't want people to worry. 
so i keep going.
there are times when i cant move but i feel i have to move an if i don't move i just might die, and the only way i can stop that is for someone who i love to rescue me, hug me, hold me close till it passes, or to cut, which scares me, but no where near as much as that feeling. 
sometimes i cant tell what is dream and what is reality, they mix for me. i loose time and don't remember going to places i wake up.
i cant sleep at night, i toss and turn, i fall asleep in class from missing sleep the night before
once i sat for an hour trying to move and not to move cause i hurt all over, watching myself watch myself. like there was a second me, and i could see her and she could see me, and we just watched each other.
i also have hallucinations at time, seeing and especially hearing things that aren't there.... voices asking me to go play with them and leave this world behind.
the thing that scares me the most is that....... most of the time i would love to just let go and not suffer any more, but i love life too much to ever give up even with the pain

i have been on pain killers for almost a year, and they help some, and antidepressants that help a lot, but there are times when it gets bad...... it is so bad right now...


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## mark_jolly11

Iam sure glad that i found this group of people! I live in Vancouver canada and am a very sucessfull developer in the area and run a large company and have a great amount of tasks at hand to handle! All this would be so much easier if i didnt suffer from DP. I didnt even know it was called DP untill today and iam 28 years old and have felt this way since i was 14 years old! It all started one day when i fell of a bunk bed at my grandfathers cottage and i remember waking up on the floor and feeling scared about what had just happened to me! It was that point where i let a little demon into my brain, i remember looking up at the bunk bed and thinking, "hey, what if i just died and iam a ghost looking up at the bunk bed that i just fell off and died from"?? In reality i knew that i was definatley alive but what i had done is entertain a strange thought/alternate theory and let it infect my mind. For days after this happened at 14 years old i had pannic attack after pannic attack because i could stop thinking about what if i was dead rite now and this was all fake. Everything became hazey, riding my pedal bike became strange, i was constantly analyzing my body and its functions. So to this day ive never been able to shake the monster. Ive stayed away from medication with exception to about 4 episodes ive had in the past 5 years. I was put on paxil because i was soo messed up that i couldnt leave my house! It would all start from the same thoughts of "is this all real"? like i could be doing grocerys with my girlfriend and then be reading a label and then WHAM the pannic sets in cause i feel like this is all to strange, then i feel fuzzy and tripped out, like everything around me is foriegn even thou ive shopped there a zillion times. So i would fight it out and go home and lay in bed and want to just watch tv and zone out and run what i can only explain as "internall scanns" on myself. Almost like an anti virus programme trying to rid a computer of a virus. I sit in bed going over thoughts and trying to basically prove to myself that iam here and that this cant be "made up". Ill even do dumb stuff like try to guess what commercial is going to be on t.v next cause if i guess rite then iam creating my own reality but if its not what i guessed then it gives me a mini temporary re assurance that iam part of a greater good! Iam on paxil now, just started it and iam hoping it helps me! The scarry part about all of this is that i feel like as much as i HATE this feeling and envy people that i view as "normal" and not plauged with this, iam also scared that if the paxil takes my DP state of mind that its going to change or alter who iam and push the real me further in the background! Also, i find that when i am in a bad episode of "internall scanning" i usually pick a landmark (like a certian place i had been to recently or mabye a friends home that i recently visited) and mentally plop myself into that spot for a good portion of the time iam going throu the episode! Then in the future i almost am scared to go to that place in real life (not in my daydream self analysing state of mind) because i associate it with the DP and anxiety and pannic i previously went throu! Dose anyone on here relate to all that stuff???...lol. Sincerly, DP Prisoner


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## mark_jolly11

I forgott to add, when DP isint affecting me on a day to day basis iam a an agressive deal closer and dont mind having enemys or people mad at me. But when iam going throu an episode of DP iam supper sensitive and cant handle someone being really mad at me and i cant handle any conflict AT ALL! Like my girlfriend winns any little argument we have during an episode cause i feel too overwhelmed and powerless to fight back!


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## CheekySweetAngel

Before i float away i feel different emotions, like empty-ness in my stomach, anxiety, panic, fear, nervous-ness, anger, frustration, stress and i feel i am unable to communicate with people.

When i float away it feels like my brain is above me in the corner of the room watching me, i can hold a simple conversation, yes and no answers but i never feel connected with what i am saying and who i am talking too. 
Its like i am a ghost and my brain is trapped in the corner of the room. Like there are wires, locks and chains attached around my brain, i never seem able to get back in when i want too, i just wander off not quite sure what i am doing and why i am doing it.

I was diagnosed recently with DPD due to numerous attacks in 2004 by the same person whilst i was in hospital.

I used to hurt myself so when i feel everything building up i either fight it (with little sucess) or i become a zombie like person.

If this is triggering at all, remove the post or edit it, i dont mind, since i am new i am unsure what is allowed and not allowed, the last thing i want to do is too upset someone.

Take Care
Leanne
xxx


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## nowthismakesmoresense

- It is currently 10am and I have not slept since 7:50am yesterday morning. That might start me off... and no I am not high. I am an insomniac at the best of times, this just happened to be one of the strangest nights of my life.

- Occasionally I use the words 'us' or 'we' when referring to myself. E.g. 'We should go and pick up the dry cleaning' (I often talk out loud or verbalise my thoughts, occasionally when I'm not alone embarrassingly enough too). I don't think I am two people so don't think I have multiple or split personalities or anything like that. I discovered last night that the duo is the spiritual/intellectual 'me' and my physical 'me'. The physical 'me' has the initials AGH and is born in the spring. Everything that you can put on paper or that is certifiably legal I suppose. All my certificates, my drivers licence, basically anything with my name on it. That's my body. My mind and spirit (soul) is what I really think of as 'Me' although I answer to my paper name and will tell it to new acquaintences.

- I am extremely sensitive to subtle social energy frequencies. Things that most people wouldn't have a clue about I *know* when there is no normal way of them being known. I have mentioned this to some people and they laugh it off. I believe I am an empath and there are a few people who have actually acknowledged it to me although it is rare as most people tend to run a mile or horribly emotionally abuse me. So this is where my depersonalisation generally occurs or is aggravated. In social situations with any sort of intimacy, or more specifically, prolonged ones (prolonged indicating I feel uncomfortable.. can start as little as 3 seconds in, not joking... enough for a greeting of any kind).

An example will work best but it is entirely dependent upon situation and number of people involved in the 'action' or the current focus of social energy.

Lets say the 'action' is myself (both of 'us' ), a girl friend and a guy friend having a conversation about nothing in particular. The summarised history of our relationship here as friends is important as you will see.

He knew her from church and brought her to our formal (him and I were school friends) as his 'date' I think because I deliberately asked someone else so he wouldn't ask me again (we were already partners in yr 10). He obviously still liked me a lot unfortunately. The catch was that she was absolutely in LOVE with him. I wasn't interested at all romantically. Anyway, school ends and me and his date end up becoming 'friends' of sorts at university and all we talk about is how they dated for a few months and he dumped her in a valentine's day card. She is WAY obsessed and WAY hurt.

My depersonalisation has gotten a lot worse as I have gotten older, not to mention I smoked a fair bit of pot without knowing what it would do, then I freaked out massively toward the end and sat there in awkward and tense silences.. what I then referred to as 'schitzing out'.

So when it was just me and her hanging out I would empathise with her unrequitted love pains. Empathise being code for split off part of myself (the spiritual/intellectual) and become her temporarily (while interacting), all the while being in my body watching the whole thing and still being able to ask open-ended questions and paraphrase to show I was actively listening. (And I always said I can't multitask.. pfffft.. well it's not the conventional method I suppose).

Bring it forward two years. We all haven't seen each other for a while. He no longer is obsessed with me. She has been seeing someone really 'fantastic' for a few weeks and they are already discussing wedding plans. This is where it gets extremely stressful and high pressure for me. Me and him are fine at first. A couple of seconds in she makes a dig at his clothes being fashionable 'who would have known you had taste two years ago'. In that second a part of me splits off to him and is feeling his awkwardness about her saying this stuff, him knowing why she is saying it (she's hurt and insecure still despite her new infatuation) and feeling guilty about it, not to mention being in front of me and not just between the two of them, hence bringing me into his mind as well - even if he doesn't like me romantically anymore. So a huge part of my 'spiritual/intellectual' or 'Me' side has just been plunged into 'empathising' (depersonalising) with my guy friend. She continues making digs for the entire time we are together (about 5 hours total). Every minute and opportune slight about a Valentine's Day card or not being good enough that passes I am dividing 'Me' more and more between the three of us. I am what I deem to be 'empathising'. Why I call it that is that I am not really judging. Normally people would be wanting to tell the girl to shut up and get over it or save it for later. But I am *feeling* intensly. I AM HER. I am feeling how hurt she is and how this is a protective mechanism for her ego. I AM ALSO HIM AT THE VERY SAME TIME. I am feeling his embarrassment, his guilt, his frustrated silence, his building annoyance. MEANWHILE, I am somehow ALSO enough of 'ME' to show an expression of understanding on my physical body's face to both of them at an appropriate moment (by this time conversation is almost totally out of the question). And, I am also feeling my body's discomfort just being present in this situation, which seems to be, strangely enough, my biggest discomfort of all.
After 5 hours you can imagine I am also feeling 3 people's emotional fatigue as well...

Ok, this situation is quite intense and there is a lot of negativity. But, for me, this happens with almost any intimate relationships where there is more than one-on-one interaction. I can handle that usually without slipping away too far, although it does happen to a degree depending on the individual and how draining they are emotionally (what their mood or current life situation is). But it can be with anyone from family members, to close friends to health professionals that treat me like a physio. I am in customer service and am understandably great at it. Instant rapport kind of thing... most people unfortunately just feel invaded and shut down, so then I do right along with them.

So, in summary, depending on situation I can 'be' anywhere between one (myself) and I'm-not-really-sure (but I think the most I can remember is about 6 or 7) people.

Strange huh?

Last night (today is my first day on this forum or ever doing a search for this kind of insight), for some reason I said "I am (my full name)" out loud and it felt a little weird. So I kept saying it into the early hours of the morning and all through the night. Then I would swap it around and say "(my full name) is ME".. that way seemed to be more powerful. Like when "I" was 'AGH' I was just pretending, but reversing it and saying 'AGH is ME' was making me come back to my body. Very strange.. but I eventually did kind of a hypnosis thing on myself and counted to five with steps and strengthening things for each number compounding my identity as my name. At 7 this morning I was the most with it I have been for YEARS. I went and talked to myself in the mirror LOL. For a fair while too.

"Please let me stay like this"... my new thought on repeat....


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## lettinggo

I was diagnosed with depersonalization about a year ago, and it suddenly made sense of a LOT of episodes I've had throughout my life. In my teens, there were about 3 years where I think I was having serious episodes a lot of the time (though I didn't know what they were then). Drugs probably added to the experiences.. The first clearly weird experience I had was in college.. I was a counselor on a group that spent 2 months touring the country with 40 eleven and twelve year old kids. I had a pretty normal and happy life at college, but as soon as I got on the bus to leave for the trip, I went into a cocoon/shell.. I had NO idea what was wrong with me, but for 2 months I couldn't laugh, relax or "get to know" anyone!! I was COMPLETELY self obsessed and sure I was going (or had gone) crazy.. but within 2 days of getting home, I was back to normal!! Freaky..

I've had a few serious episodes since then, though none as long (though just as terrifying) I was SO glad to read about the obsessive self monitoring attribute of dp on this site! That's the most obvious thing for me. I've had it happen with family, which adds the sorrow of being cut off from people I love (along with the frantic/trapped nature of it)

Glad to find this site! I was also amazed that this site mentioned that the true personality remains intact! I had experienced that (which gives me a little hope), but had never heard anyone else say it before..

Any references for groups in the Sacramento, CA area?

Thanks!


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## sunflowerwearyoftime

Janinebaker said:


> SoulBro, the best answer I can give you is that it's an anxiety response to the Trauma of your mental breakdown.
> 
> There are "traits" of different symptoms (like some things fall into the dp category, others fall into anxiety). But there are no clear cut "this is x" and "this is Y"
> 
> We got freaked out. That was the trauma. The first time we felt awful and thought something horrible was happening to our minds. From that moment on, the nervous (or mental) breakdown is the 'oh, my GOD, what is happening to me??" part.
> 
> We continue to feel terrible in all kinds of weird ways - all the anxiety, all the odd visual stuff, the obsessing, the worrying, the depression, the odd sensations, the panic moments..>ALL of it is anxiety based and it's the result of mental defenses breaking down. The healing involves strengthening ourselves again (and understanding more about ourselves).
> 
> Any good psychiatist would agree with that.
> 
> Don't torment yourself with "what is it I HAVE?" The kind of answer you want doesn't exist.
> 
> Peace,
> J


Thanks, this is helpful. I only discovered this forum today, and am not familiar with any of the terms, only today I read through some book written by some guy with Multiple Personality Disorder, and I thought I don't think I am quite like that, but it was the words dissociative personality disorder that I searched for on wikipedia, and then found depersonalization and derealization, which describe me well.

What you describe as mental defences breaking down, I was thinking about that one, as I have a lot of autoimmune problems from what I think ~ never diagnosed ~ is Crohns disease to unbearable itching mostly my arms and hands, both of which I have taken a lot of painkillers for and am now trying to give up, and other autoimmune giveaways.

As long as I can remember, I have had this feeling whenever I feel threatened that I am weepily trying to say to my mother please leave me alone, please don't touch me, as she tries to put her creepy fingers on me and says that I am not well, mentally ill, faking a comforting gesture, and I just want her to never have been, or failing that just leave me alone.

It feels as though childhood experiences somehow are affecting my physical health deeply, and if I can't give up the paracetamol and codeine my kidneys will probably pack up, if they haven't already.

I find this stuff really hard to say even to strangers on an internet board, because whenever as a child I said I hate my mother, I was reassured that I didn't really mean it. Actually, hate doesn't begin to express the negative feelings I always had for her. I was anorexic, not bulemic even, at ten.

I can only sense any kind of reality as the shadow of a shadow of a shadow into some kind of infinity.....

But yeah, my boundaries were destroyed, they were raped. The words ever on my thoughts, go away, leave me alone, don't touch me.


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## NorrinRadd

I think I'd say that for me, the main sensation is that it is "dream-like," often with a distorted sense of time. Have you had dreams and somehow realized, "Hey, I'm dreaming"? Or have you hovered in a state between awake and sleeping/dreaming? My episodes are sort of like that. I'm awake. I *know* that I am awake. But it "feels like" I'm dreaming.

Have you noticed in dreams you will sometimes, in a single dream, progress from one scenario to another. This happens in the space of a few minutes. However, "inside" the dream, only the current scenario is "in focus"; you remember the others, but they seem vague and distant, even though they "happened" only minutes or seconds earlier. That's another feeling I get when I have a DR episode. I can walk into a room, and suddenly it "feels like" the step through the doorway was hours ago.

I will also sometimes "feel like" I am literally "not myself." Normally, we take our "selfhood" for granted: Our bodies, our minds, our reflections in mirrors -- all are "ours" or "us," and we don't even think about it. But in a DP episode, I become excessively conscious of those things. I become consciously aware of "looking out through my eyes." I become consciously aware of the "act" of "thinking." I see my reflection or my hands or some part of my body and completely recognize it, but feel odd about seeing it.

Sometimes the sensation is just a brief "flicker." Driving home at night, time distorts. But if I can quickly get interested in something on the radio, I can let the feeling pass, rather than building to panic. Walking through WalMart, I turn down an aisle, suddenly the previous aisle just around the corner was half an hour ago. But if I just concentrate on getting the stuff on my list, the feeling passes.

It's more likely to happen if I'm fatigued. And the more fatigued I am, the worse the episodes tend to be, and the harder to shake. If I'm tired, I can't concentrate on what I'm "doing" instead of what I'm "feeling." My thoughts race, then my heart follows. I can carry on conversations, but have trouble making decisions or giving opinions. I can make jokes, but they "feel" forced, even though they are spontaneous.

Edit -- FYI, no history of drug use. No history of abuse.


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## helencon21

omg i feel just like u. i havent been diagnosed with dp or dr but i have ptsd. i feel like im dreaming, everything seems dull i feel like im deaf, even though i can hear i just feel deaf... i no it doesnt make sense please help this is terrifying


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## candidacatalino

user said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


Hi: Thought I would reply to you: I feel "wacko" all the time,also. The DP feeling for me is as if I am in a story book or a movie, my voice is not my own, I have totally lost my appetite and I used to simply cry all the time. I feel like I'm in a bad dream, a cacoon; the world is so unreal all the time. It's so hard to describe and I've seen so many therapists and shrinks. Sometimes it's not so bad, but for the most part, I (my true self) 
is outside of my body looking on. When I close my eyes, it's as if the whole room is moving. I did have a daughter at the age of 32. But now, she is older and doesn't need me as much. My fiance and I moved out to CA and the dp seems to have worsened since I am alone w/ out my daughter and family... hope to hear from you soon. Hope this is what you wanted as far as a description. .. Please reply as soon as you can. I also made it through college, and I work as a substitute teacher.


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## BlueEyes

I'm brand new here, but, in a very quick nutshell, derealization feels to me like "jet lag". I'm here, but I feel like I'm somewhere else. I feel asleep, but I'm walking around. Lights may even seem bright and dim at the same time.


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## phantomfrigidere

The way that I came across this disorder was by searching merely to learn about other disorders, after all the mind is quite interesting, but I came across this not realizing that I would read something that describes feelings that I've had for as long as I can remember. Thats a little wierd, like reading a book of your thoughts written by someone else. Didn't necessarily help (considering half of me thinks that I already knew all this and could have just manifested these words in front of me), but it was good to find some basis to where I could search more.

When did it start? Now, thats a good question, one to which I have no answer. I can say that the suicidal thoughts began when I was in 5th grade or so. The feeling of depersonalization was in my mind before that though.

It retracts me from every situation, whether it be a fun (for lack of a better word) situation or not. The fun ones stick out in my mind the most. The times where I wish it would stay out of my mind for just 3 minutes, but alas, it shows up at 2 and 1/2.

The times when one should feel close to another human, as I would assume I should feel with a girlfriend. When we are about to kiss, I immediately withdraw from the situation to analyze every little thing. There is nothing special after that. In my mind it's all cold, calculated moves that I assume I should do to show affection and that I care.

But really, in my head, i think.... what a stupid sequence of events, what an absurd idea. The one I love become meaningless, the physical contact is no more special to me than practicing grammer.

This is not just for relationships, its for anything that most people(i assume) would feel comepletely absorbed with, like seeing a concert of one's favorite band. I stand and bob my head cause it seems like the right thing to do, but its stupid.

Then i come up with ideas. Ideas about what this reality really is. The one I half believe is that this is all a game. The object, and the only way to escape it, is to do the one thing that is most fearful. This fear would be letting myself slip into insanity. Naturally, everyone would be telling me that this is absurd, but that is exactly what is to be expected. There are no clues or easy ways out.

And now, as expected my brain is turning off the ability to describe anything through external communication (happens everytime someone asks me whats wrong or when i try to explain), i thought online would be different than talking to friends, but not this time.

Well, maybe it just needs to be worked on.


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## audacious

Hi, I'm new here and if my story seems disjointed, I guess that's because my life has been. I'm always looking for someplace where I feel like I "fit". I only found it once for a brief period, then I lost it. I haven't seen a glimpse of it since but that one time was enough of a tease to frustrate me, anger me, and keep me driven to find it again.

I have so few memories prior to the age of 13 that it sometimes seems like I was born that age. What memories I do have are more dreamlike than my "real" dreams. I have always struggled with DP. I have very brief periods (moments to a couple of hours) where I am truly connected. Just enough to let me know how crappy this really is. If I never had those moments of clarity would I even know there was something wrong? I hang on to sensation so tightly, and I write, write, write, because if I don't it all fades so fast and I don't want to lose it completely.

Written last spring:
I was standing out back on my deck, the wood beneath my bare feet still damp from the recently melted snow. the air was warm and soft and smelled of wet earth, rotting leaves, and old smoke. A gentle breeze occasionally lifted my hair and brushed the back of my neck but mostly just freed a strand or two to tickle my face. I felt at peace and content for the first time in months. the knowledge of spring emerging eases my pain and reminds me that all things change. Just as spring will banish the chill of winter so will time warm my heart again.

I would have forgotten that moment completely if I didn't have it on paper. Though maybe I'm lucky because how many people get to really really appreciate simple moments like those like I do. How many people realize just how beautiful colors are, how vibrant and how evoking of emotion when you can _really_ see them. Thinking of the benefits of DP..... I can become easily focused and absorbed in a task because I am entirely unaware of of anything distracting around me. It makes for awesome production at work, but leaves me lacking in social skills.

I prefer to be alone because then I'm less aware of the fact that I'm not really _aware_ at all. When alone I don't have the pressure of having to interact. Always afraid I will say something out of place because my thoughts are always on a slightly different plane than the "real" conversation. And it fluctuates to a great degree. When I'm alone or focusing on a project, or reading a good book, it's either less profound or I'm less aware of it. Meeting new people knocks me clear to the end of a long tunnel and I see and hear everything as though from a great distance, echo included for no extra charge. Whoever does the talking then must do at least an ok job because so far no one knows that I'm nuts. I'm not sure that I've ever actually had sex, just watched but never really felt like I was participating. That REALLY sucks, because I do so like sex.

It's like only being able to smell things but never actually taste them. The smell of pizza is to the taste of pizza is as DP is to actuality. The smell of a peach is to the taste of a peach as DP is to reality.


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## collabyrinth

Hey folks,

Hang in there!

I think I used to suffer this a lot more than I do now. Just like a fever breaks, similarly I got over some kind of a hump in 2004, while becoming divorced, and have been recovering ever since. I went through hell at the time and yet, that's kind of the point isn't it?

I still have bad days. In fact I found this forum because I was researching PTSD, dissociative disorders etc trying to figure out "what was wrong with me". Just a few minutes ago even, I had this feeling I had been getting like I had a brain disorder, like a part of it had simply gone and died. It was also accompanied by feeling as though I don't have a penis(!?!). I'd touch myself and wonder if I am sexually dying, that perhaps I am becoming a neurological eunuch. I get that on bad days. I'll feel spaced out and recall the recent incidences where I seem to be forgetting people's names faster than ever or forgetting other things I never thought I would forget.

Then I contemplated "registering" to post on this forum, an idea fraught with the danger of humiliation. You know, the danger that someone will Google me and find out that I am a fraud somehow. I also considered that this website now has my email address and could blackmail me.

Yet once I did, like magic, I feel normal again!

To me it's like I am a computer in safe mode. I have a much more limited capacity but at least I am ready to deal with something terrible that may happen.

I'm getting close to 40 years old, but I had been in "safe mode" since I was a teenager. My so-called friends used to be able to convince me of what I said or what I thought because I had no clue. I did drugs, had horrible reactions to pot, and had confusing several black outs. At one point I was blacked out and when I came to I was a giving oral sex to a man! I mean wtf? I think I was drugged that time. I don't have a problem with the idea of sex with a man but I don't have an obsession with it. I think I was just that person who can be manipulated to be who you wanted him to be, especially if you drug his drink. Then I became a monk and slowly built up a facade with a "reserve" of feeling that I could tap in order to appear human. Deep down I did have real feelings, though. Up until I was 34ish I felt that I was Mr self-fulfilling prophecy, the architect of my own oncoming doom.

Then ,when I was getting divorced I finally made a choice in 2004. I decided 1: I am not going to commit suicide, and 2: I am going to continue to attempt to live and improve my life no matter how bleak my future was. If I am going to be a mental and emotional cripple than I'll learn to enjoy what I CAN enjoy, like a person a wheelchair might do. Maybe I couldn't run a race but I could read a damn good book for instance. My model was a character from a 40's children's book called scuttlebutt, a dog with wheels for it's hind legs. If a dog can learn to accept it's limitations then so could I! I was going to be Tyler Durden who stubbornly chooses to continue on, even after destroying everything, if I had to be that kind of man.

I'm sure all of this preparation to be a normal person, with pacts and modeled behavior to follow, was ultimately extraneous but I let myself be that kind of crazy. It was a world better than being numb crazy.

And some days my heart feels like it's going to leap of of my chest with love for everybody.

I may have lost my chance to enjoy my youth, I may be permanently sexually doubting myself, I may not have a degree before I'm 40 or a chance at a stellar career, but by gum this life is mine now. I've reclaimed it.


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## S13

Hey guys,

I'm new here, and am glad that I found this site. I started experiencing a feeing of "craziness" off and on since I was 21. I'm 29 now. At the moment I'm suffering real bad. Even as I type this my hands are trembling and I don't know why. I was scheduled to have a CT scan for sinus problems this morning, and I had a nightmare last night about going to the clinic and being very anxious and the clinic being filthy. The technicians wanted to do something bad to me, but I didn't know what. My grandfather, who has been dead for almost two years, was there for testing as well.

When I woke up it was like I was still in the dream. I have this experience alot, and pretty much everyday for the past week or so. I wake up and feel like I'm in a dreamlike state. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, but I know it's me. It's like looking at a stranger. I always think that something bad is going to happen. I suffer from a congenital heart defect and was told from the time I was a small child by doctors that I wouldn't live very long and I'd probably be dead by the time I was twenty. So I always feel on edge, like I'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack even though I'm having no symptoms.

I think that I'm going crazy. I'm paranoid about everything. I can't be supportive to my girlfriend and feel selfish. I sometimes sit at my desk at work and feel like I've done it before, deja vu. Of course I've done it before. But sometimes I'm talking to a friend and I can't remember a particular moment I had with them, so I obsess over trying to remember it.

My girlfriend and I have broken up several times over the course of our six year relationship. There are times where I feel confused as to where we are in our relationship, even though I really know. Like, I'll put myself back in 2005 when we were broken up and overanalyze it. I feel like I can teleport my mind back to that time, and it makes me feel crazy.

Sorry for the rambling post. I guess the best way to summarize the feelings is like beeing on LSD without the "good" part. I did LSD several times in my early 20's and I wonder if that somehow contributed to my insanity. I have taken Xanax, than Tranxene, which I just stopped taking and went back on Xanax. It doesn't seem to be helping. I used to be a fun and outgoing guy. Now I sit at home and feel alone even when others are alone. I just want to get back to normal. I don't even know if that's possible.


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## ibraa

Hi!

I am also new here ( i'm a boy), let me tell my story. I was 15 when it begun, now i'm 18. First it hapenned so quickly (i mean it came). Me, my sis, my fathers girlfriend and my father were on a holiday. One night, before going out for a walk, it begun front of the mirorr. At first I felt everything is scary, also *BEING* or *EXISTING* is scary. Those 2 things were so weird, cannot explain with words. I did not told this to anyone there, and iwas suffering. I always lied, and said, 'I have a headache, so i will stay home, etc..'.
I think the worst part of these 'episode' was the way back to home. 
We went with car, and I had the worst panic attack in that episode.
I Felt like i ha electro-shock, my 'soul' was shooking inside my body.
The world was like just a dream, people was like statues, and me.. I dont know what was me. My biggest fear was, that i will lose my mind, and stay in that state, and lose my *"self-consciousness"*. I feel myself de-attached from my body. After when we got home, i've told this to my mom, but not everythig, cause i was afraid, that se will think, i've lost my mind. So she didn't thought, it's serious.
After a couple month of suffering, it dissapeared. I was normal, ike everyone else. I also forgot it. But after a year, I begun to smoke pot. It gave me the same , exactly the same felling. Dreamlike state, loosing my self-control, something bad will happen (Going Crazy?!). But when i stopped it, and it ent out from my body, i was again normal. 
And my last episode begun this October (around 15 of O.).
I was sitting in the University, listening to the presenter, and then I felt again this thing. I ran home, and i'd told it to my mom. She said, we will go the doctor. We went, I had a CT (negative), an EKG (negative), and an EEG->wich become positive. They said, it's epilepsy.. When I heard the diagnosys, I again become into worse state. Now i'm waiting for the results of the MRI.
But i asked some pills from my doc, and she gave Rudotel (with the same agent, like Xanax). It's a little bit better, maybe 25% .. 
For example I feel well. And then for a sec, i think that "Oh, my God, am I right, or not?" - and then the answer is NOT, of course. So i thiink, if i forgot it, i would be better. Really. It's enough to think about my state, and it beguns, and i think "Oh, Jesus, it's coming!"
I think, they're wrong in the diagnosys, and it's NOT epilepsy.
Here are my reasons:

1. I can control it - I mean, if i'm with ym friends, it's better
2 I have no other symptoms of epilepsy, only this one 
3. When i started to think, i've found, when was a child, i had these experiences few times, but without panic attack.
4. I have some other symptoms: - fearing from small places (like elevator); - sometimes i think, i have heart attack; - sometimes in the night, i fell, that i can hardly breath, and i have to listen to my breathing, because it's not motoric thing from now.. - and i realised, that in cars also it's worse.. 
4. And it's not like a small periodic attack ( like epilepsy), 
I feel this since October, only with few "clear" days.

I know, maybe it's caused by my terrible childhood, my father was beating my mother and me, and so on ..
But I NEED help! I am only 18, and i'm waiting for the death .. 
It's not getting better.. It's so scary.. Everything..
And my Christmas will be like this?  
Please somebody give my advice, what shoudl i do!! Go to a psychologist, or what?
Which is the best pill to take?

Thanks a lot.

For you S13: It's like epilepsy.. Doc's also told me, that you may have little 
periods without self-consciousness, without memories.. 
I always have my memories, but I think, you have to do an EEG, and MRI..



S13 said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm new here, and am glad that I found this site. I started experiencing a feeing of "craziness" off and on since I was 21. I'm 29 now. At the moment I'm suffering real bad. Even as I type this my hands are trembling and I don't know why. I was scheduled to have a CT scan for sinus problems this morning, and I had a nightmare last night about going to the clinic and being very anxious and the clinic being filthy. The technicians wanted to do something bad to me, but I didn't know what. My grandfather, who has been dead for almost two years, was there for testing as well.
> 
> When I woke up it was like I was still in the dream. I have this experience alot, and pretty much everyday for the past week or so. I wake up and feel like I'm in a dreamlike state. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, but I know it's me. It's like looking at a stranger. I always think that something bad is going to happen. I suffer from a congenital heart defect and was told from the time I was a small child by doctors that I wouldn't live very long and I'd probably be dead by the time I was twenty. So I always feel on edge, like I'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack even though I'm having no symptoms.
> 
> I think that I'm going crazy. I'm paranoid about everything. I can't be supportive to my girlfriend and feel selfish. I sometimes sit at my desk at work and feel like I've done it before, deja vu. Of course I've done it before. But sometimes I'm talking to a friend and I can't remember a particular moment I had with them, so I obsess over trying to remember it.
> 
> My girlfriend and I have broken up several times over the course of our six year relationship. There are times where I feel confused as to where we are in our relationship, even though I really know. Like, I'll put myself back in 2005 when we were broken up and overanalyze it. I feel like I can teleport my mind back to that time, and it makes me feel crazy.
> 
> Sorry for the rambling post. I guess the best way to summarize the feelings is like beeing on LSD without the "good" part. I did LSD several times in my early 20's and I wonder if that somehow contributed to my insanity. I have taken Xanax, than Tranxene, which I just stopped taking and went back on Xanax. It doesn't seem to be helping. I used to be a fun and outgoing guy. Now I sit at home and feel alone even when others are alone. I just want to get back to normal. I don't even know if that's possible.


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## Guest

> What is DP/DR like for you?


Wank.


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## Emmanuella

What is DP for me ?
Sometimes , I would like to say , a kind of gift.


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## kika

I too am really glad to find a place like this, it feels good to relate.

I think I've had depersonalization since my teenage years began, and I am 19 now. Every once in a while I can get myself out of the state and "be myself" but for the most part I'm stuck inside my head trying my best to operate how other humans would. My experiences include:
- Feeling very far away from everything
- Feeling like I am not a person, just some thoughts that keep talking somewhere locked up in the back of my head
- Trapped inside of a body that isn't mine
- As a result when I really feel depersonalized I feel like a fraud and it increases my anxiety. I am somehow responsible for the actions of this body and girl who I feel in no way related too.
- I feel very distant from the people I know; when I speak to people it's difficult for me to really feel like I'm connecting with them on the same plane. I know what's going on but I dont really feel like it's happening. What's more I begin to feel very estranged from the people around me, wondering how they even thought they knew me when I am not who they think they I am. I barely exist. 
- I especially hate being around strangers, or doing errands, or just in general being out in public alone. These are the times I feel very incapsulated inside of myself and I get very clumsy and quiet and easily embarassed for no reason just trying to make it past everyone and get home safely asap. 
- A blankness of emotion and any connection to the concept of self. Talking is very difficult, and when I am around people I know I start freaking out that I'm not speaking, wondering what they think of me for completely ignoring their company.
- Continuous overanalzying about my existence and the reality that has been placed in front of me. Someone mentioned it is like "extreme sanity" and I completely agree. Everything about being conscious needs to be figured out in these states. And unfortunately I usually come up with the conclusion that this life is all pointless, I am just playing a character when I am at best and when I am very despersonalized it is because I've gotten tired of acting. 
- I have a consistent detatchment from my hands. Like they do what I need them to do, but I always feel like they have a life of their own; they just don't feel like they are mine, moreso than any other part of my body. Sometimes I'll be just sitting or lying down and all of a sudden I realize I'm playing with my hair when I had no intention to do so; it really creeps me out.

I really like the metaphors some of the users here use to describe their experiences, it really helps to give me an idea how to explain to others what is going on.
This whole thing is hard because I can never figure out if this kind of experience of the world is normal, if everyone goes throug this, etc. It can drive you mad because it is so uncomfortable and makes it very difficult to enjoy life but all the while you try and convince yourself you're just shy or introverted. I know I am introverted and can be shy but feeling depersonalized is a different sensation.


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## angel08

-I feel scared to be alone with myself ever. I have to dig deep down for strength to just take a shower before having multiple panic attacks.
-I feel like I control my thoughts, but someone else is controlling my body.
-I feel like a different version of me is judging me on the simplest things I do and making me feel stupid and confused.
-I feel like a pair of eyes floating around, forgetting I even have a body at times.
-Constant pain from poor eating and sleeping habits.
-It has also caused me to cry every day. Who would've known that I could produce enough tears to fill a swimming pool!

I hope someone can relate to these!


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## Tegg

It started when I was too young to remember. I remember one time when I was tiny and sitting in front of my mum's mirror. It's too hard to explain fully what I felt or how it happened and I'm sure other people have been able to explain it better. But, for me anyway, at first I would think about myself, about the subtleties of myself, my personality, tiny things I never really noticed. I would almost look at myself through the eyes of someone else. But not quite. And then suddenly everything would slip away and I wouldn't be sure who I was, or more specifically, _what_ I was. It's was like I was a molecule. Half knowing I couldn't really be that because they don't think, but then again not really, because was I thinking? There wasn't a word for anything so it didn't matter anyway. The idea of existance seemed absurd, but again it wasn't existance, as such, because there were no words. When i was younger this feeling would usually only last about a minute, and I refer to it in my head as the "climax" or "intense" dr. (This being since I discovered there was even a word for this "thing" that I get, which isn't actually that long ago at all.) To get out of the feeling all I would need to do is touch my surroundings or, if that failed, focus on a close friend or someone in my family. The main thing was to concentrate on a specific person. Occationally it would take a few seconds longer than I had expected to get a grasp on reality and that was sometimes scary but in general I had no problems, though I was usually left in a bit of a daze. Sometimes I almost enjoyed the feelings I got as a kid, and they were never something that upset me in any great way. Though I do remember talking to my mum about it once. She told me I thought too much, which is very true. Even as I got older I still sometimes enjoyed the feeling of escaping and also the sense of perspective it gave me on stupid situations. However, it's not all been good and recently it's been worse than ever. I've often had panic attacks growing up, though never in conjunction with dr until recently, it really was extremely frightening. It started because, as happens a lot recently, I couldn't "slip out" of the "climax" feeling I get. I was left in this feeling of dr, but a more dull, drawn out feeling. Anyway, I felt hopeless because it was as though there was nothing, and nothing mattered, I kept having to remind myself of where I was, who I was, my name, but it felt empty anyway. Somewhere, distantly, I knew I had felt differently once but it didn't seem a realistic perception to gain. This, along with the fact that I couldn't seem to stop bloody crying, culminated in a panic attack (one of the worst I've had). Then, a strange calm came over me. Peacefull, in a way, but I had a feeling in the back of my mind and I didn't like it. It was like an ominous calm that I couldn't help but succumb to. Then I felt quite literally paralysed in every inch of my body. It only lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours at least. Since then I've been in a dreamworld. Everything is surreal, unnatural, forced. I've never found it particulary easy to interact with people I'm not very comfortable with, but now it's even harder because I almost don't _want_ to force the reactions I know I'm supposed to, as half the time nothing feels real, and the other half it all feels so empty I don't know why I should bother. I'm extremely aware of my body and mind being seperate entities. My mind, my thoughts, everything in my head is mine but very often my body doesn't feel like mine, certainly I don't see "me" when I look in the mirror. I sometimes get this feeling in my arms and legs. First they feel very heavy combined with a sort of tingling feeling that goes through them, in fact it's more like getting the feeling of "butterflies" in them or a feeling of nausea (I'm sure that doesn't even make sense but whatever). Then they feel completely drained and empty, and not mine at all. I'm constantly aware of being, breathing, seeing, it never seems to come naturally. People seem bizzare, the world does, the whole idea of society, of everything. Walking down to my bus stop one time I remember describing myself as feeling both heavy and really light at the same time, I get that feeling a lot. I've also had other "mini episodes", if you like. One time, in a lesson at college, I felt the dr getting the better of and overwhelming me and I started to hyperventilate and was on the verge of a panic attack. After, I felt paralysed again only this time only in my hands. This sometimes happens in my feet as well as my hands but so far never all over my body again. There is so much more that can't really be put into words and it's frustrating to try and explain it. I know I think too much, and that's part of my problem and also a reason why I can't even begin to fully explain what dr is like for me. Sorry for the essay, I never could grasp the word concise. But I think someone described me best as "cold and indifferent".


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## tincity2

It's good to know I am not alone, although I wish no one had to go through this. Like many others I feel like I'm floating through life in a bubble, or watching through a hazy glass wall, watching life, and interacting, but not really present or part of it. A whole foods diet helps, and giving up stimulants like caffine, sugar and processed foods. I've been seeing a naturopathic therapist who has helped a lot. My regular MD thought I had ADD and a lot of other things. 
I've learned not only how to control this, but to use it to my advantage, but it took some work. It's really good to have come out OK on the other side.


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## York

Like my brain is in a wheelchair and the world is one big staircase..


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## tincity2

I've had this for over 30 years. I finally went to a naturopathic therapist/physician and got the help I needed. Traditional MD's thought I had everything from ADD to depression. The first thing she did was to put a name to what is going on. I then went off all processed foods and cut out all caffine and sugar. I don't eat anything with chemicals. For some cutting out wheat helps as well. Definately the caffine and sugar though. She put me on some herbal formulas (they are differnet for everyone) and I find, like others, something to focus on is a great help. I've started pushing my mental horizions and when DP/DR strikes, I don't freak out any more, I relax and let it roll. This is my reality. I'm learning to use DP/DR to my advantage and control it which is great.
Hope this helps.


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## lovestorms

Staying in my head most of the time. Over analyzing everything I do or say. Very carefully rehearsing in my mind what I'm going to say to others and how they will react, all the time. (normal but I do it to the extreme) Feel like I'm in play or a character in a book. Isolating myself. Otherwise I think I'm normal. At my best, I'm outgoing, energetic, I love to laugh and be around people.  Always hopeful that it will pass. And it does.


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## hautboiss

hi. can i just start by saying i am...sooo, so relieved to find this site. i thought i was going insane, had accepted the fact that I wouldn't have a future, just a straight jacket once my mental health deteriorated enough. I thought I was alone, and so separate. I am 15. suffering for 3 years. extremely more so the last few weeks. mostly because i knew something was wrong with me, but i had no idea what it was.(i suspect triggered by stress). I would look through sites, trying to find the slightest hint that somebody, somewhere, had felt something generally close to what I was feeling. I always thought mental diseases were only considered like, eating disorders, add, adhd, and such, but thank god i found that other people know how i feel. i am so thankful.
when i am in, well, lets call it an 'episode', for lack of a better term, -it is terrifying. i feel like this body doesn't belong to me. unlike other people, it doesn't feel fuzzy, but clear. i used to say it was like realizing myself. like i always knew i was there, but never really felt it, or thought about it. i freeze in my body and look down at myself, wondering. it's worse in the mirror, because i look into my eyes, but at the same time they aren't my eyes. i don't know who 'me' is sometimes. my entire self is lost and i forget how i ever walked and did things normally, or how other people still do. 
the whole idea of this 'reality' seems so unreal, like science fiction, i wonder if things could be different. if somebody is watching us all, like some sick twisted game. how things could turn differently. if its all just one big april fools day
i can walk through a day, have tests, play sports, and at the end, not remember anything at all, because its just the same as any other day
to cope? I threw myself into social situations. at first i thought the cause was television, i stopped watching. then reading. I stopped. Then i thought it was just when i was by myself. So i stopped being alone. Well, back to TV and books, because now I know haha...
sometimes i think i'm overreacting, that nothings wrong with me, but when i'm in..that 'state'. its just indescribable. and terrifying. And i know i'm not, i couldn't be overreacting. for so long, i kept quiet, because i knew if i told anybody, they would tell me i was overreacting, that i couldn't possibly know if other people felt that way. i was too scared to be shot down, and unsure, so i dealt anyway i could. the crying, nights, experiences. i remember thinking my family wasn't my family once, because they never talked about anything important--the only thing i considered important at that time was not everyday activities, but the concept of reality in itself.
for now, i'm okay. I haven't had an episode since i found out i wasn't alone or crazy(which was actually yesterday). But just having that knowledge helps. I'm sure. I can be okay.


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## Benny

Hello, my name is Benny. I'm 20 years old and I have come here because I am pretty much desperate for some help and feel so down with what I'm going through.
I'm not too sure how much longer I can deal with this, I have hardly any control over my life and just feel trapped somewhere I shouldn't be. 
I feel I have lost my self in a place which does not exist or ever will, no one else is here with me, not even me. 
I feel so unconnected from all that is that I often question if i am even real and I sometimes wonder what I even am, the idea of being human is crazy. I also sort of think beyond my vision a lot, like questioning everything 'normal' surrounding me - so I wonder what things are made of, like I know it might be wood or plastic but what the hell is that, where did it come from, how is it there?! I know it's that, but what is THAT?! I constantly think like this and find it terrifying as sometimes I feel as if I don't recognise anything at all, as if my brain isn't interpreting reality. Is this DP?


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## Benny

I'd like too add to that, the fact that everything does sort of look surreal, kind of fake. I notice as well that It sort of seems that what I cannot see, does not exist. Like beyond my sight, the horizon. It's like i'm on an island with nothing surrounding it. I experience this along with the other symptoms I wrote about, and all of the usual common DP, DR and DA symptoms I've read about. I'm finding it unbearable. Do any of you experience anything like what I have written about here and in my previous post? 
Please reply or message me. Or even both. I'd appreciate it so much.


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## ragdollannie

benny, is the desperateness more about feeling YOU are not real or is it questioning that everything 'outside' of you is not real... ? would you say that there has to be an ultimate truth and it has therefore to be our perceptions of it that are skewed?


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## AlexEcstasy

The primary reason I have Depersonalization and Derealization is because of psychoactive abuse (drugs).
Because I love being in an altered state of consciousness so much (being high) I tend to forget that the way I view things is a disorder.
I think of dissociative disorders as "just another high".
I've come to accept it. I've come to control it. I've come to enjoy it.
That's about it.


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## Kayla69

university girl said:


> my dp/dr:
> 
> I believe I have a more dr-like experience...
> 
> I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unreality. I often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.
> 
> uni-girl


I get those symtoms, alot.
I get frequent, unwanted thoughts of "oh my god, am I dying?"
Those thoughts have become the main focus of my life and I am tired of it.
I thought I was going crazy and that I was the only person on earht who had it,
I feel like"im not there", I get dizzy/panick attacj symptoms and Its sterssful
I am only 17, so having these issues concern me,
I am overwhelemed with the desire to just live like evreyone else.
I hope there is an answer I am tired of thinking about deaht all the time and how I dont want to feel this way


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## paje

I just found this link searching Dissociative disorders I was reading some of the letters + can relate alot of frustrated feelings about treatments not working, I was diaganosed many years ago with major depression+ ptsd it was'nt till later They explained the memory problems feeling disconnected from myself+ others .It's very hard to explain to others who have'nt had this, the meds and there have been many+ therapies helped very little + after many hospitalizations ECT was recommended. This was really scary it helped with the depression but made the memory+ anxiety worse . Been out of treatment for sometime now because I don't think they know how to treat me , I get scared having no support but also scared of failed treatments , but thank you I'm glad I found this site I't's been helpful .


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## Kayla69

I am glad I foudn it too


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## seperatelypeaceful

i get lost... standing in my own bathroom brushing my hair i hadn't a clue where i was

i feel distinctly separate from the world, i can see each person and i know they are blocked from me, i can never be truly connected.

nothing feels real, ever. thats why i'm a cutter- it brings me back, if only a bit and for short periods. i dont know what to do- i am isolated not only because of this but because i live on a small island where it is extremely difficult to get help... i have to travel 30 miles to reach somebody adequate. this doesn't help the feelings of intense separation when i think this. 
i have a hard time describing what it feels like, please tell me how i did.


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## Guest

)))))))))))))Seperatelypeaceful((((((((((((((((


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## paje

sorry for the double quote messup lol, I still can;t figure out how to delete this, still learning=trying to figure out what to click on when writing, Sorry


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## -dennis-

Hi, I'm new to this forum, so a quick introduction:

My name is Dennis, 27 years old, and I'm from The Netherlands.

I suffer from chronic DP / DR for about nine years now, allthough it was first diagnosed in september 2006. 
Untill that earthshaking day I went through life with the feeling that there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't put a tag on it.

The trigger for me was / is probably some unresolved issues from my not so perfect youth combined with the smoking of cannabis at age 17 to 22... since then I have not smoked it, but the effect stayed / got worse.

Because the effects after smoking cannabis are somewhat similar to experiencing DP / DR, I thought it was normal to have the sensation of being out of this world / living in a bubble / dreaming / playing in my own movie.

But then I quit smoking and the effect didn't go away, no they got more intense. After lots of searching on the web / sending e-mails, I got a phone-call from a doctor who deals with addictions. The word depersalisation came up, google did the rest.

Since that day I have taken al sort of medications (not all at once, but in different combinations):

orap, cipramil, clomipramine / klonopin, rivotril, bupropion / wellbutrin en the latest is naltrexone.

NONE of the medications have relieved me (not even 1 %) of the DP / DR, actually some medications made it worse.

Today I have decided to quit natrexone (after a average use of 125 mg for 6 weeks) because for me it induced panic-attacks, (which over the last 9 years I seldom experienced).

For me DP / DR is my primary disorder, but in 2007 I had a severe depression, so that was a difficult year to say the least.

I have the book Feeling Unreal (good book) and I'm posting on the Dutch site: http://www.depersonalisatie.nl 
(maybe some more people from the Netherlands on this forum?).

Now I want to try a psychological approach to DP / DR, maybe that will relieve me a bit.

Untill then I will check this forum, for more information.

Dennis


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## sofoloj

Hello, i am new here. I had anxiety attacks for the last 6 months, and i guess i am having DP/DR..

I will tell you my symptoms:

-i have constantly existential questions, my existence itself (who i am , why i am here).
-i feel myself strange towards my parents, my friends.
-i feel sometimes like i don't exist anymore, like i am stranger to the world and not concerned in what's happening around me.
-i keep asking silly and irrelevent questions with racing thoughts.
-i always ask myself: what if i am dreaming?

do i have Dp/Dr?


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## Tanith

I'm new here aswell and this is what DP is like for me:

Ive had this for around 2 years now and I feel like I'm not fully alive, I have a strange feeling around my eyes which feels like tiredness but I have it constantly. I can concentrate on things and go about my daily basis like I always have, but I can lose concentration easily If I stare at something and could stare at a wall for hours on end. I can bring myself out of it but does just not feel right. I used to be able to recall memories with ease to and think about things that happened in my past but now it takes a little more effort.

I know everything around me is real, I trust my eyes but it simply does not feel real. I feel like I am simply an observer but not a participant.

Eventually I got used to it and was able to go about my usual day like I always had its just that strange feeling of knowing whats going on around you but not feeling like your actually there.

Please tell me that there are working treatments for this


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## whatISthis?

DP/DR for me...
i'm too existentially wired- very annoying-cannot get over the mystery of life which makes it difficult to live, cannot get over that i am a human with guts and brains and complex systems under my skin

it's as if i've lost my subjectivity and I am becoming an objective critic of everything i am or once was. i don't know what is OK to be or how i feel towards anything,ex: is it OK for my car to be messy? do i really care? am i only caring because other people value cleanliness? am i being careless or carefree?

my self-awareness kills my spontaneity. i'm sometimes afraid to feel or have fun.

hypochondriac

i feel there is something fundamentally wrong with everything about myself

i feel i look like an alien

i feel like an alien- like i was put here on the planet to study other humans, i'm very cynical towards everything they do, it's all so absurd! i can't go to the movies with friends because i get so angry that we're wasting our time sitting in front of a screen, watching actors LIVE, watching something that cost $$billions to make...i think what a waste...we could be furthering ourselves and humanity by spending all the production $$ on helping other people..!

can't watch TV- feel advertisments and shows are all just brainwashing people, changing our values, turning us into nothing more than consumers with materialistic & shallow ideals. especially hate shows that idealize the lives of superstars or even just rich people (the hills) it's like the media is encouraging us to be concerned with clothes, jewelry and the trivial drama of our relationships..and nothing more.

when i catch myself enjoying ANYTHING, say tv, movies, time with friends, a book, i feel ashamed and embarassed?!

getting dressed sucks- NOTHING FEELS AT ALL NATURAL OR FITTING TO WHO I AM

sometimes when people talk to me i have a very difficult time focusing on what theyre saying, especially if there is outside noise.

when a subtle change occurs in the environment (a cloud slowly passes over the sun) i feel like i have just woken up, this can cause confusion and a panic attack


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## quid fit

It seems as though the synchronization of world is off. I hear people talking but have to concentrate very hard to understand what they are saying. Their lips are not moving in time with what they are saying, which distracts me. I have a hard time identifying sounds in general. They seem as though they are coming from far away, or very close, when they are not.

The feeling that I am a ghost or spirit. The very strong feeling that I am in a dream.

Anxiety about any sort of interaction with the world, even though you are doing mundane things.

It seems like the world responds to my thoughts. I think of something funny and a stranger laughs as though he heard me. I think of something scary and there's a terrible thunderclap, or a stranger gives me a wary look.

Inanimate objects seem to have "personalities". Buildings seem to smile, trees seem conscious. The lettering on signs will change. You notice a sign or billboard, decide it's odd, then the second time you look, it looks similar but says something different. You start to notice wierd anomalies, like a stop sign at a corner that has no paint, is totally white.

It can, at times, be oddly exhilirating. But it's more often strange and scary. There is a very real feeling that I'm going mad.


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## Christina Pryor

This disease has ruined my life. I am normally a very giving and loving person but PTSD has gone on so long that DP/DR has reared it's ugly head and made me miserable. I can no longer deal with any of my loved ones,and they can't understand what has happened to me. I stay to myself and rarely join in on family activities of any kind. I hate myself and have even thought about hurting myself. I am lost.

Christina Pryor


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## tyarishanese

Though I have not officially been diagnosed with DP, I am positive that I am suffering with depersonalization disorder. I have been suffering with anxiety (untreated) for years now and finally it has taken its toll on me. I started having really weird symptoms like blurred vision, feeling like I was losing my hearing, feeling out of touch with myself and my surroundings like I have suddenly become detached from everything around me. As new symptoms developed, I would relay them to my mom and she didn't know how to help me or what to say, other than telling me that I needed to go to the doctor. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable, I googled the phrase 'feeling out of touch' and all kinds of articles on depersonalization disorder came up. HALLELUJAH!!!! I started to read up on it and felt as though all the articles were written for me!!! I had/have exhibited all of the symptoms, down to the numbness/tingling of extremities. I have been having a hell of a time getting help. I went to Southern Nevada Adult Mental Health Services yesterday and was advised that because I have private insurance, there was nothing they could do for me. They called my insurance and got names/numbers of facilities that were supposely able to treat me sameday and when I got there, I was advised I needed to fill out paperwork and make an appointment!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How freakin frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so alone and out of control, hopeless. angry... I am going to my MD for a full workup and I have an appointment with a counsellor as well, I'm still waiting to be contacted by a psychiatrist. I just want this to end but I know now that I've been neglecting my emotional/mental health for far too long and now its progressed on to something much more serious. I know this will be an ongoing process but I'll be relieved once I have actually been able to talk to a professional and be on my way to recovery. I just hate being myself right now.


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## deftony07

I'm new to the site. I've been feeling kind of messed up for about a month now. I've done research online trying to figure out what it is that I have and what is going on with me. It started with general anxiety and heart palpitations, and I noticed during these attacks, my vision would blur and things seemed strange.
I was a pretty heaver drinker and stopped drinking for a month, and the heart palpitations stopped, but since I have felt like I am living in a dream. Everything I've been taught my whole life, and the world around me has turned almost meaningless. I look at everything in life and question it, and can't accept the things
that I have accepted my whole life and it turns into irrational thinking and anxiety. I Still function on a day to day basis and go to work, but often feel less
motivated and I don't care anymore. I question all the big things in life, god, existence, and can't focus on the small things that I used to be able to. It's like a
switch that was just turned on one day that I'm having trouble turning off. At first i thought it was OCD, compulsive, irrational thinking. But now feel like it is
more. I went to the Doctor and he prescribed lexapro and abilify. I didn't take the abilify because I was afraid to take an antipsychotic. The Lexapro worked for a few days, but then stopped working. I have now switched to Zoloft, because anti-depressants are known to help intrusive thinking. Are these similar symptoms that anyone else has had? Tyarishanese...when you said you became detached from everything around you, you nailed it on the head. Do you have irrational thoughts that you can't control that causes anxiety as well? I've been struggling with this, and this website seems to be a blessing. If anyone out there feels how I do...I would love to know how you can help!


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## deftony07

To whatisthis?.....When you say you're too existentially wired...that makes perfect sense to me. Everything you described sounds exactly like how I feel.


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## BittersweetLife

Senario:

Im looking out my window at the trees. I know the trees are there, I know that I am in my room looking out the window at the trees. Then I start questioning life, and not the "what makes life" kinda crap, but more like, is life real? I know I Have been here for 23 years, but my memories are weird, almost like its hard to believe Ive exsisted for so long. What does it mean to exsist? Is there really a god? .................It is endless really. Its a very huge detachment feeling that I think I will never get back. I feel like I know I am alive but mentally am not attached to the actual living part. ITs so freaking weird.

Usually when this type of psychosis hits, I get pretty depressed. I start thinking that nothing will ever change and I Will always feel detached and estranged from this world I spent my entire life in. Its not the same feeling as being detached from maybe a passed love one.. its more of a feeling like you cannot grasp understanding how you were born, raised, lived, how you feel, think etc.. its quite literally a really insane kinda feeling. I know I FEEL insane when it goes on. The worst part about it is, it gets my anxiety all keyed up and then I have to try and calm down again. *Growls*

I Grew up never having these existential thoughts. Now that they are here, I question everything lol. I hate it!!!


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## ..::NuMb::..

I've had depersonalization for 4 months now ( it actually started at April 27th ) and i can tell that i've felt almost all of the related symptoms, but the only one that's bothering me more is the fear of hurting my loved ones uncontrollably! I care about them and i want them near me but at the same time i'm always afraid of hurting them, seeing the action from the outside, like if it wasn't me who's doing it!!
I'm always worrying about whether i'm becoming psychotic, even though i know i'm not. I can tell that i actually enjoy helping people, as i always did. Since i started feeling like this, i actually started helping even more people than before! The people who know me, see me as some sort of dalai lama or princess diana LOL. I wish i felt that way too!  I feel like i'm always being cynical before my friends or my family... They love me and they'd do anything to make me happy, but even though i know that i'd do the same for them, i'm always feeling like i'm actually a faker and that if they really knew the person who lives inside this body, they'd suddenly change their minds and they'd stay away from me...!  There are times when i actually feel better about this, but suddenly it strikes right back! 
This all started when i watched a fkn movie called " SAW II ", after i got depersonalization, when suddenly i started questioning about hurting people.. :x DARN IT!! Now i feel like i can't even watch a damn movie or hear a simple conversation... Does anyone also feel like this...? Please tell me that i'm NOT crazy!!!


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## resigned

[quote name="..]I've had depersonalization for 4 months now ( it actually started at April 27th ) and i can tell that i've felt almost all of the related symptoms, but the only one that's bothering me more is the fear of hurting my loved ones uncontrollably! I care about them and i want them near me but at the same time i'm always afraid of hurting them, seeing the action from the outside, like if it wasn't me who's doing it!!
I'm always worrying about whether i'm becoming psychotic, even though i know i'm not. I can tell that i actually enjoy helping people, as i always did. Since i started feeling like this, i actually started helping even more people than before! The people who know me, see me as some sort of dalai lama or princess diana LOL. I wish i felt that way too!  I feel like i'm always being cynical before my friends or my family... They love me and they'd do anything to make me happy, but even though i know that i'd do the same for them, i'm always feeling like i'm actually a faker and that if they really knew the person who lives inside this body, they'd suddenly change their minds and they'd stay away from me...!  There are times when i actually feel better about this, but suddenly it strikes right back! 
 [/quote]

No you're not crazy NuMb, I can relate to what you're describing, and others here can relate too, I'm sure. To me it's one of the most disturbing sides of DP -- I have completely lost the ability to feel compassion. Even though it does not affect my actions, it's only because I try hard to compensate by using the "rational side" of my brain, since the emotional side is gone... It was particularly disturbing in the beginning - you talk to your family, who you care for deeply, but you feel absolutely nothing, and this sends you almost into panic, because of how disturbing and unreal this is. At the same time, you feel as if someone else is talking, not you, and you're just listening to someone else's voice. I no longer feel fake - I have become a fake, it is part of my existence. I'm an actor for life. ...But I'm sure there are thousands of posts about that in this support group - I'm too apathetic to check them all.

This loss of compassion that I feel does lead to some interesting insight - since this does not generally affect how I behave towards other people, it seems that ethics is largely based on rational thinking rather than empathy, which I can't experience at all.

It's interesting also that some emotions I can no longer experience at all, while others are not much affected. Apart from empathy, I am unable to experience sadness or loneliness, even though these two emotions defined me as a person before DP struck. However, anger is unaffected (although I rarely feel it), and I can laugh at funny jokes and can even feel amused by them (well, sometimes), even though DP makes life so completely joyless otherwise...

On a different topic, I'm surprised to see a few other people in this thread mention problems of making out speach in noisy environments, memory problems, and problems keeping concentration during conversation. I do have all of these symptoms, but I thought of them as part of my insomnia rather than DP (actually, my DP was triggered by insomnia and anxiety)

Just one last thing: someone mentioned stop signs looking funny; I feel this, and more generally, find that text fonts look different from the way I used to perceive them. This really is bizarre; one usually never thinks of text comprehension of having any emotional side to it, but it does...


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## resigned

quid fit said:


> It seems as though the synchronization of world is off. I hear people talking but have to concentrate very hard to understand what they are saying. Their lips are not moving in time with what they are saying, which distracts me. I have a hard time identifying sounds in general. They seem as though they are coming from far away, or very close, when they are not.
> 
> The feeling that I am a ghost or spirit. The very strong feeling that I am in a dream.
> 
> Anxiety about any sort of interaction with the world, even though you are doing mundane things.
> 
> It seems like the world responds to my thoughts. I think of something funny and a stranger laughs as though he heard me. I think of something scary and there's a terrible thunderclap, or a stranger gives me a wary look.
> 
> Inanimate objects seem to have "personalities". Buildings seem to smile, trees seem conscious. The lettering on signs will change. You notice a sign or billboard, decide it's odd, then the second time you look, it looks similar but says something different. You start to notice wierd anomalies, like a stop sign at a corner that has no paint, is totally white.


It's really interesting what you said regarding inanimate objects. To me, it's almost the other way around: I experience DP as the emotional content of visual perception being completely stripped from all objects I see. I am certain that one isn't even aware of this emotional content of vision until one gets DP. I feel as if objects *used* to feel "conscious", as you say, as if they almost have a *soul* (I'm describing a subjective feeling here), since there was always an emotional memory attached to any object I saw. Now there is absolutely no emotional association or memory attached to anything, which is why everything looks so dull, black and white, two-dimensional, like looking at a blurry photograph, looking at the world through thick glass (a classic DP symptom).

What you are describing feels more what i would feel at the *onset* of DP/DR, when it was just starting. Everything as you described. But the most striking thing was how people's faces suddenly changed. There was a period when the faces would change as you would speak to someone, in an almost comic way sometimes. Mind you, I'm not talking about the change in shape or form, but about the highest level of visual perception, where these shapes are associated with an emotional content. As emotional contect was changing in real time, it was almost as if the corresponding shapes were changing. Highly bizarre, and, as you say, almost fascinating at times.

Also, about the signs: I am amazed by a similar discovery that *text fonts*, of all things, have so much emotional content. This of course only became apparent once I had the DP fit. Everything you read looks different, and *especially* street signs, or anything having a very distinctive text font of some sort.

After the medication, the neon ad signs also started looking bizarre: the colors look unreal, you feel like in an animation movie/cartoon: the colors seem unnaturally saturated. When I started taking prozac (which didn't help much), I would sometimes have to stop and stare an any neon sign, just floored by how unreal the colors look...


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## ..::NuMb::..

resigned said:


> ..]I said:
> 
> 
> 
> No you're not crazy NuMb, I can relate to what you're describing, and others here can relate too, I'm sure. To me it's one of the most disturbing sides of DP -- I have completely lost the ability to feel compassion. Even though it does not affect my actions, it's only because I try hard to compensate by using the "rational side" of my brain, since the emotional side is gone... It was particularly disturbing in the beginning - you talk to your family, who you care for deeply, but you feel absolutely nothing, and this sends you almost into panic, because of how disturbing and unreal this is. At the same time, you feel as if someone else is talking, not you, and you're just listening to someone else's voice. I no longer feel fake - I have become a fake, it is part of my existence. I'm an actor for life. ...But I'm sure there are thousands of posts about that in this support group - I'm too apathetic to check them all.
> 
> This loss of compassion that I feel does lead to some interesting insight - since this does not generally affect how I behave towards other people, it seems that ethics is largely based on rational thinking rather than empathy, which I can't experience at all.
> 
> It's interesting also that some emotions I can no longer experience at all, while others are not much affected. Apart from empathy, I am unable to experience sadness or loneliness, even though these two emotions defined me as a person before DP struck. However, anger is unaffected (although I rarely feel it), and I can laugh at funny jokes and can even feel amused by them (well, sometimes), even though DP makes life so completely joyless otherwise...
> 
> On a different topic, I'm surprised to see a few other people in this thread mention problems of making out speach in noisy environments, memory problems, and problems keeping concentration during conversation. I do have all of these symptoms, but I thought of them as part of my insomnia rather than DP (actually, my DP was triggered by insomnia and anxiety)
> 
> Just one last thing: someone mentioned stop signs looking funny; I feel this, and more generally, find that text fonts look different from the way I used to perceive them. This really is bizarre; one usually never thinks of text comprehension of having any emotional side to it, but it does...
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks, resigned :wink: those words have actually calmed me down... one other thing is that i've been in love with this girl for more than 2 years... at first, i went to talk to her about it and she said that she didn't feel the same way about me ( that was in march 2007 ) and since this last April, we've been hanging out very often, and recently, she told me that she actually has deep feelings for me and that she's considering having a deeper relationship with me.
> 
> I can't believe that it took so long for her to finally open her eyes, i mean, 1 year ago, i was preying for her to love me, and now that she's starting to do it, i got struck with this thing!  I often think to myself: " how could she ever have something deeper with me if she knew how unstable i became? " ; " what if she knew the thoughts that go through my mind? " She looks at me and she finds that i'm very in love with her ( actually, the only way for me to forget COMPLETELY about DP is being with her!! i don't know why, but it's something that i cannot control! ), and i actually have some residual emotional feelings that usually go sky high when i'm with her!
> 
> It really sucks that some things are happening through my life that in the past i wished for them every day, and now that i have them, i can no longer feel happy for having them
> 
> It's like i've thrown my hole life away... is that any cure for this?!
Click to expand...


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## claws

Man, this is really strange. For the longest time, I didn't think what I was dealing with had a name, and now it looks like I finally found something that's at least close.
I am constantly doubting the reality or the existence of things around me, and sometimes I feel like me and everyone else in the world is just going to disappear suddenly. I _always_ feel like I'm detached from everything in some way, but the heavy dream-like state usually only happens when I'm in a stressful situation, which for me, could be anything from an emergency with my family, to going someplace where there are a lot of people or getting in an argument with someone I don't know very well. I also get that sensation when I don't sleep enough, or when I'm having a panic attack.
I used to have severe panic attacks when I was a kid, to the point where I'd be up pacing all night long with all kinds of terrifying things running through my head. My parents started to get pretty frustrated with it. It still happens occasionally, and there are periods of time when it happens more frequently. Other times, it's just a lot of anxiety that never goes anywhere. Those times are easier to handle, though, because my mind automatically switches to a more pleasant topic, or will go on a tangent of random daydreams.
I have trouble expressing my emotions or holding on to any emotion for a long period of time (longer than several minutes is long for me). Everyone thinks I'm just keeping things bottled up inside, but I don't do this consciously. I also sometimes do kind of crazy things spontaneously, that are really not like me at all. (On the bright side, no one thinks I'm predictable.) I have a lot of trouble connecting with people, even those closest to me. Even when I tell someone something about myself that no one else knows, I don't feel at all like we've bonded in some way. I still feel like, 'I'm here and you're out there'. No matter what I do, nothing changes this.
If I do have depersonalization or derealization, it would explain A LOT about my life up to now. Why I never had any close friends or even a boyfriend (yeah, there's where I get the weird looks...I'm twenty nine and I've never dated. There is obviously _some_thing wrong with me now, right?) It would also explain the time I stopped eating when I was in elementary school (I was diagnosed as an anorexic, but I think I recovered much too quickly to have been truly anorexic...I started eating again after I saw the doctor) and why I spent an unhealthy amount of time alone in high school (people were seriously beginning to think I was a freak and were not afraid to tell me that) 
Or why I ended up in the ER a few years ago after cutting myself so deeply that I needed twelve stitches; even my reaction to that was weird. I hadn't meant to cut it so deeply, but I got my leg enough so that you could see things in it that you aren't supposed to see in a leg unless you're a surgeon or something. That should have freaked me out, but I didn't feel anything. It didn't even hurt. My family was pretty freaked out, my mom yelling and all that, but all I could do was just sit there and stare. At the hospital, waiting for them to come stitch me up, I even joked about it. I didn't think it was funny. I didn't think anything. I was really numb, and that was scary. I didn't feel one thing.
It's hard to deal with this as it is, but even more so when everyone around you refuses to acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong with you, and that you need help. _Some_ kind of help. It's not like I could really bother them with it, anyway; my dad doesn't trust doctors and thinks that all mental disorders are either some kind of demonic possession or just something you can "quit" at any time. My mom has a lot of health problems and an anxiety disorder herself and really doesn't want (or need) anything else to worry about. My brother isn't there for anyone. My sister's the only one who I can talk to, but I can only tell her so much, because she worries about everything a lot, and she's not very good at handling stress. I don't have too many friends, and the ones I do have I really don't want to bother with this. I only have one who would be able to relate at all, but she has so much stuff of her own to deal with. I feel really alone a lot, like I'm completely isolated from the rest of the world. If I dwell on that too long, it scares me, so I have to keep myself occupied at night until I'm too tired to think, so I can sleep. The whole thing is screwed up and I'm getting pretty tired of it. Fortunately, suicide will never be an option for me, because I'm extremely opposed to it...my mom and sister have both considered it and that right there is another source of anxiety for me, and I don't want anyone else to feel like that.
Sorry about the length. I'm still trying to figure things out so I keep putting all the pieces out there like this. Thank you for reading.


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## Sarsh

Hi everyone!

I'm new to this site although i'm not new to DPD.

I've had DPD for 4.5 years now although it was only two weeks ago that i learnt what my condition was by accidentally coming across it by mistake on the internet. I guess most of you, who also suffer from this condition were freaked out by it when it first happened and had great difficulty in finding out what it was you had.

My condition was triggered by smoking marijuana which ended as a "bad trip" and a few days of feeling spaced afterwards. I then went back to work as normal and after working for 7 hrs with strong glue (i worked for a design company at the time) something in my brain "switched" and to this day it has never returned to my "normal" state. 
I visited many doctors ans specialists afterwards to try and find out what had happened and what i could do to get mysef back but the medical profession didn't know what had happened and i felt that because it was triggered through drugs i was some what "written off" by the med profession.

Its been a struggle coming to terms with DPD and the huge changes i have had to make to adjust to a new life that i didn't want to live but through the help and support of my friends and family i've learnt to deal with it on a day-by-day basis. My friends and family were so amazing in helping me cope. DPD not only effects the sufferer but also those close to you who help but have no idea what's going on either. This is emotionally draining for all involved.

I had to make some changes to my life. Things such as cutting out alcohol completely until very recently and not taking medication (once again, until recently) i think many fears have stemmed since DPD took hold of me which doesn't help to get through the tough times and triggers episodes but i try to remain positive and refocus my attention from my feelings of "what's happened to me" to other activities which takes my mind off it.

I'd love to speak to you all and offer my help and support to you and also find out how its affected your life and the things you do to remain as "normal" as possible.

Sarsh


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## mattyplop

THE WORST THING EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

LIKE LIVING IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


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## Jelly_Boo

For me, it feels like.. just nothingness. It's really scary, and impossible to get your head around. It just is, even though it isn't D:
I don't think you can fully understand what the heck it feels like unless you have it, or have had it. It's just one of those things, I guess. Simple everyday tasks like writing or going up the stairs are completely alien and unusual and it feels as though you're trapped in your own little world, and not in a good way. when you're walking around in your house, or even worse outside you suddenly feel like you're just not there. And it's like, WTF? It's just impossible.


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## Rein

Its hell its worser than any pain!


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## Karmic1987

I am new to this, so be easy lol!

I have only just discovered what DP is, after doing intensive research on the internet, and i know i definitley have it.
To me its like being spaced out, slipping into a dream-like mode.. losing sense of reality.
This is hard for me, because i havn't talked about it to anyone.. family members- friends.. no-one!
If i did they would probably be hard on me, think im goin mad..
So i had to join this site for release.

I could be out with friends are with family and sometimes go in a daze.. its like i shut down and i see things through fog glasses, everything seems cloudy and i find it hard to concentrate on certain tasks. Its frustrating because it feels like i dont have control of me.. It is a relief to discover this site and realise that I am not the only person goin through this.

I take driving lessons and sometimes when i drive i jus switch off and go in a daze and my driving instructor always nags me over it!
It hurts me, because i dont want people to think that i am mad or crazy ( or slow for that matter).. It jus like i dont have control of my brain.. aarrrrgh!
Its starting to upset me though because I dont want this to affect my driving and I was wondering how others with this condition cope with tasks such as driving or anything else that requires a large deal of attention??????
There could be other times when I am out shopping with friends and I could be looking at clothes or geting served at a counter.. and i will go in this trance like state and people have to snap me outta it... I do feel my brain change its like a chemical reaction as if the brain is opening up....
I was wondering if the time i go to bed could change this??
and what medications do you all take... I want to go to the doctors, but scared theyre gonna diagnose me with schizophrenia or something more sinister...
I know that i may have depression also, because I do get down on life and lose the motivation to do tasks that i once found appealing. I also have a down attitude to almost everything i do.. I dont see anything getting better and do contemplate suicide and listen to downer songs.. when i am at my most lowest.. Alot of this is due to my childhood and my adolescent years. I had a very violent father that suffered schizophrenia and was extremly agressive to my mother. Every day living with him was hell and my escapism (dp) kinda cured me at the time from his most evil moments... We finally escaped him when i was in my late teens, and i spent most of my time movin around with my mother and fam to refuges ( battered womans homes to some) for a good 3-4 years... I am now 21 and still suffer the side effects from all this.. I have improved.. but everyday is like a challenge for me.. I have irractic confidence if that makes sense? Sometimes i can feel on top of the world other times i feel like really down.
I also feel like i have superficial relationships with friends and men in my life its as if I am always detatched. Friends do worry for me because i can go for weeks not contacting them and isolating myself.. goin in my 'own world'

I do want medical help but i dont kno where to start.. I Kno i have made a positive start by joining here... 
I would be grateful for messages from you all or to hear your stories....x


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## pagirl

does anybody out there believe that their dp was caused by a physical injur or illness?
If so, I'd like to hear from you - email me at [email protected]


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## taymay

I'm being torn apart. The pain smolders, I know it is there, but it never seems to penetrate me. NOTHING seems to penetrate me. I hurt myself and feel nothing. I laugh forcefully and it slides off my gut. Not a taste, not a sound, not even when someone says "I love you" do I feel anything. When I smile my face feels awkward and numb, like my dimples have been rubbed with Novocaine. Its hard to breath, my head is mush, everything around me is fuzzy mush. My memories do not even exist.

Relief. I just want to be punctured. I felt that. I felt that desperation. Maybe if I can harness it I can ride through. Ride ride ride it through. He speaks, its fuzzy gramophone voice. Everyday, all day it inflicts me, badgers me. I wake up tired. I can't sleep enough.

I'm new to this disorder. I have no one to talk to. I'm 19 years old. I'm supposed to be playing, being young. I feel old and frail. Please someone help me before I slip completely into the cracks.


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## NightTime

I'm new here. I've had depersonilization since about may 2006. I've had many different experiences, and some of them are with me all the time and some of them just happen once, and a while. It was triggered when I was smoking weed out of a bong, I started getting this electric/tingling feeling through my body, and I started tripping like I was off acid or pcp or something, and I haven't been the same since. I noticed I couldnt go to places that had strobe lights or like florecent lights, because it would trigger my dp so bad that I would feel like I was on a bad drug trip. When I walk in the dark sometimes I feel like I'm floating, and I'll look in the sky, and start to think about why am I here, and what is really out there? Then I start having panic attacks. I have high anxiety. I get mad at loved ones for nothing. I feel detached, and I feel like I can't think sometimes. When I would try to read in class, I would read but I couldn't remember really anything I read. I'm ALWAYS paranoid about anything and everything. I saw a doctor, and I was perscribed seroquel, and xanax. The doctor kept telling me the seroquel should help, but I felt like it made it worse, and I had a panic attack off 300mg, and started tripping. I quit taking the seroquel, but I cant afford the doctor visits every month to get my xanax refilled, althought xanax helps me some, I hope I can find something that gets me as close to normal as possible. I have resorted to drinking about 10 beers a day to help me with my disorder. I hope to get insurance, and get to a specialist. Heres most of my symptoms:

Most things I should cry or be sad about, like a death in the familty, it's like not even real, It's like I dont have emotions
Always have anxiety
Cant focus
I feel like one day I'll go brain dead.
Feel out of body
Always thinking about the universe, and how it was made, and why I'm here.
Strobe/Florecent lights trigger my dp
Everything feels like a dream, or like a picture, hard to explian I guess...
I always get my words backwords when I'm talking, or slure my words. (Not the beer, lol)
I can't sleep because I'm always worried about something.
I feel like a puppet when I'm talking or walking, like a robot.

Most people don't know how it feels, but it's like living in hell.


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## DaZeDaNdCoNfUsEd

Soul Brotha, Relax and breath easy.
What your problem very well could be is that you are over sleeping, it comes along with factors such as depression. I don't know if you have anxiety attacks or anything to that matter of interest. But if you are facing clinical depression chances are that 10 hours of sleep is simply too much, in a scientific study those facing depression that procured 8 hours of sleep on a more regular basis woke up and went through the day feeling less then those who had over slept, what most don't understand is that if there is a chemical imbalance of inhibitors such as serotonin Urepenephrine and all other mood inducing chemicals dreaming releases those endorphines and causes you to feel more tired throughout your day and very well so a lack of energy.


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## namnlavs

at the moment i don't ever pay attention to this shit.
indifference.


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## Guest

I'd say - even though I've only taken acid a couple of times, neither of which was unpleasant - a bad acid 'trip'. A permanent bad acid 'trip'. Except without the visual or auditory hallucinations. I feel like I've gone mad, that although I know rationally what things and people are, that they seem unreal to me, and importantly, scary. There's no peace of mind when the mind is constantly recoiling in horror at every damn thing regardless of how innocuous or common it might be.

Depersonalisation is weapons-grade awfulness. Something I wouldn't wish on anybody.


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## Nicole

Hi, 
I personally have been suffering DP on/off for as long as I can remember although it was only a few days ago I was finally able to put a name to it. For me it feels as though I'm stuck in a video-game or an artifical world, where everything "looks" the same but just somehow doesn't "feel"right. I've never told anyone about this before now, mainly because I had no idea of how to describe this experience and thought like many of you I was going insane. It's nice to know I'm not alone out there, however makes me wonder how many other people are suffering in silence. I've studied psychology for the past two years and had never even heard about it before...
Thanks and good-luck to everyone


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## confused.com

I have only just come across this website in the last couple of days, I'm not entirely sure that I have DP as I do have some of the thoughts and feelings that others are describing but my most prominent symptom is a constant feeling of 'not being me'. I've had this since I was about 9 years old and its worse at certain times in my life. Sometimes I can go for months and even years without any problems then something will happen in my life that knocks me and I feel like I cant cope, I'll spiral down into depression and am full of self hatred which will eventually develop into this feeling of having more than one person in my head and not really being me. It's so hard to explain it properly but it is almost like I am staring at myself inside my head and I hate what I see so much that it repulses me and I completely detach from myself. The feeling is constantly there but at my lowest times (such as now) it is constant and if I allow myself to dwell on it I will have really severe panic attacks where my heart is racing and the feeling of 'not being me' becomes so strong I think that I am going mad and just want to run away. At the moment I'm having these panic attacks 2 or 3 times a day and I cant be on my own, cant go to sleep at night and cant look in the mirror - it's almost like I'm scared of myself. I'm seeing a graduate worker who specialises in CBT and although I understand that I need to tackle the root cause of these feelings in order to get better I can't stop fixating on the symptoms and feel like I will never understand them and be able to cope and feel normal again. I hope one day I can find a way to cope with these feelings, if this is DP that I'm experiencing then I agree with everyone else when they say that they wouldnt wish it on anyone as it really is a lonely and soul destroying place to be 

Good luck to everyone and I would love to hear from people who are experiencing the same kind of feelings as I am


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## MajorTom

> ok, what I mean by maddening is:
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> - excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
> - excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
> - anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
> - anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
> - sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
> - sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
> - sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.
> 
> Janinebaker


When i read the above, I shed tears. The stress of having to deal with going out and seeing strange plasticky people looming out of a 2D too bright world. My world is almost totally solipsistic now in terms of what things look like. It is painful mentally to look at anything, especially outside. 


> I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional


Same here...I keep feeling I am nearing the end of life even though i am a PHYSICALLY healthy 30something yr old. I yearn to connect again.
This all started again when I had to change Anti-psychotic for unavoidable physical reasons. All year has been a nightmare, but it is the only one left that won't damage me internally the way the one i was on for ten years (WHICH WORKED) did.

Nothing really seems to matter anymore. Such a lonely place to be in.


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## namnlavs

it's impossible to grasp.
have written thousands of words myself through the years about these states, feeling nothing. unable even to grasp them. 
so often i would pray for a moment of true sadness, even this. everything would be better than this emptiness

now i'm better. on the surface. she is. sometimes she even feels happy. 
yet always SHE.
i let her be. though even this is wearing me off.

residual indifference.

ps: sometimes i feel i'm lucky because i have always been in this state. at least i don't remember not being. it must have been utter horror to once have been alive and present and then lose it.


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## sunnydayswillcome

I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm scared.

If I try to explain it to someone, they just want to know "what is the treatment, how do you get rid of it."

DO you get rid of it? Ever?

I read someone's post about remember life on the other side, I am not so lucky. I have felt this way as long as I can remember, just never had a name for it. Maybe I am lucky that I don't know what it's like to be normal.

I see other people enjoying life, enjoying each other. I am so damn wrapped up in my own bunny trail thoughts that I don't know how to act, even around my own family that I've known for 26 years. It's like a hyper-awareness. It's torture.

I find myself glued to the TV until 5 in the morning, just to feel connected to something. At least the TV doesn't require that I respond.

It's easier to hide. But then I find myself longing for some kind of connection. But when I get close to having a connection, it's like there's a short in the wire. I know how I should feel, what I should say, but it's all...empty.

And the worst part is, I don't even think I've been able to put into words how I feel. Like it's all just jibberish and people are going to read it and think, "What the hell? What is she doing here? There's something wrong with her!"

So this is it. This is me.

Can life be enjoyed this way? Has anyone achieved happiness, coexisted with their pseudo-crazy self, or risen above it all and come out the other side?


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## catherinejulia

DP is like living in a bubble. It is a horrible and lonely feeling that is hard to explain to others. There are days you feel like not being here anymore because of the awful feeling. It is like if you had one wish, it would be to feel normal like everyone else around you. There are times I stare at families and wish I could be normal like them. It is like looking inside another world. The world I live in is lonely and numb feeling. If I could run away from myself I would. It is also feeling empty inside and not having any emotions. I guess I could go on forever but this is just some of what I feel on a daily basis.


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## dmrazb

even sitting here, on a website full of people suffering from the same condition, i'm having trouble articulating what i feel.

i am constantly questioning my own consciousness. it's like i am ever increasingly aware of the thin line between being alive and dead. i often wonder how i'm even functioning when my mind is so muddled with these existential questions. nothing seems real. i no longer trust my instincts. whereas i used to be the most grounded person i've ever known, i find myself questioning my every thought and action. i compulsively check my pulse, just to make sure i'm still alive. i obsess over every ache and pain. i induce symptoms in my own body -- i have this awful sensation in my head, like i'm in a dream, like my body is here, but my mind is not. my mind feels so disconnected from my body. like someone's taken a hacksaw to my entire being. it feels like the connection between the two -- which was once so strong, so sturdy -- has been completely divided. and i don't know how to reconnect them.

the worst part about this all, is that no one sees this awful (self-induced, i know) torture i endure everyday. i've become very good at acting like nothing is wrong. i want to get better. i want nothing more than for this all to go away, but i know the only way this'll happen is if i sit down and actually deal with all the issues the DP is trying to get me to avoid. but i don't know what these issues are. sure, i've undergone some highly stressful events this past year (moving away to college, being on my own, death of a very close friend), but these all happened months ago. i thought i'd successfully dealt with all these things. bah.

i'm in constant search of some sort of relief from what i'm feeling. distracting myself helps sometimes, but mostly i just want to sleep. but i can't sleep. i'm sure sleep-deprivation isn't helping my situation, but when it comes to really relaxing, to being by myself in the dark, that's when all these awful thoughts seem to rush at me. so i've developed a negative association with sleep & my DP. i don't know.

 when will i start to feel better? i know so much of the recovery from this finding the will & determination to actually do so, but how am i supposed to do that when i feel so completely separated from everything i once knew as "me"?


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## peachy

i just wanted to come on here and say how comforted i am by the fact that i've FINALLY found people on this site that have had dp their whole life and don't remember a life differently. i've been on this forum since february and haven't really found anyone out there that had life-long dp like me, until now. i'd love to talk to some of you about it if you ever want to. it often seems to me the recovery process for us would be similar for a number of reasons.


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## namnlavs

hello i'm one of those. just living "safely" for the time of being, by gliding on the surface and assuming some not-entirely-consciously-chosen subpersonalities.

don't even wish a full recovery anymore,too long all that, i am completely alien, and fully conscious that true friends, a relationship ets is totally unavailable for me. just a single thing which would make my life a little more worth living.

what is your background of being dpd'ed btw? mine is some sort of childhood triggered personality disorder wchich disables me from enetering the reality and havin =g true and meaningful relations with others.


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## Cathal_08

DP is really made out to be more complex than it is, its really just that your mind is in a habit of thinking inwards and thats why when you look around you dont fully conect with the outside world and things feel foreign. its fukd up cuz then it makes us think we are going crazy, but in reality were not going crazy, are minds are just stuck thinking inwards and have loads of random thoughts constantly floating around inside your head!

keep reminding yourself this is just a fukd up habit your minds in and try to stay calm about it!


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## whitey

hey everyone, so i stumbled on this site .. and everything on here makes sense to me. for the past 6 months i've been trying to figure out whats wrong with me. things just don't feel right. i wake up in the morning and i feel strange. like i'm still dreaming. I think a lot of this roots from my Attention deficit disorder, and weed smoking habit. at first i thought it was depression, then i thought that i was having some sort of philosophical crisis and started researching nihilism and stuff like that. nothing feels real to me anymore, i think watching movies has messed me up. I have weird expectations on how people should act. like there needs to be some plot in life. its really disturbing feeling this way.. i feel like i'm not even an animal, that my thoughts are computer like in a sense.. does anyone feel this way? i feel like i need some sort of answer to let me know that reality exists .. gahh


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## justadream

Hey I've just found this site too... Can anyone read this and tell me if I have DP/DR?

I've been looking for an answer for a few years.. 
It's just that somehow, it's like I've been half-asleep my whole life. I'm not "awake", fully conscious that I'm living. It's like I'm half-dreaming, going through the motions of life, letting this body walk and talk. And when I talk, I don't even know what I'm saying.
I've never drank alcohol or done drugs. I'm 16 and I don't know what's going on... Sure I have social anxiety and major depression. But there's always been SOMETHING more. It's something important. It's always been there..

Sometimes, after I take a nap, I can "wake up" to reality. I realize that I EXIST. That everything in my life has actually happened, that reality is THERE. I'm real.
But usually these periods of consciousness don't last long.
When I look in the mirror, when I'm "awake," I can't believe that the person staring back is ME. That I am controlling this body... this hand is mine... all of these things are mine. 
And also, when I "wake up," I immediately have this feeling of dread...that I can't stand myself. I can't stand the realization that all that's happened in my life is REAL. I don't want to realize my existence. So I push myself back into "sleep."

I've been looking around this site, trying to find some experiences that I can identify with. What everyone's said is generally true about my life..except for this specific "waking up to reality" feeling. Maybe I'm stuck in this DP/DR mode.. and occassionally wake up, while most people are awake, and slip into DP/DR mode...

Oh and one other thing. I DO feel disconnected from other people. Because I know that my perception of reality is NOT normal. I'm not conscious.. I'm not fully aware that my life exists.

Just let me know.. is this really DP/DR?


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## Cathal_08

yeah that sounds just like my experience, i just dont feel fully awake or aware of anything and its like im half asleep


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## sweetlycute

For me DP felt like someone turned the switch off in my brain that has to do with emotion. I felt like everything around me was movie on the big screen and I was sitting in the audience watching it all. And I didn't feel a connection with the people I was with, it was like I known these people for years and I know how i should be feeling toward them but I just couldn't feel anything for them. Everything i did just felt empty, automatic, I felt like I was going crazy, I knew everyone else wasn't feeling the same way I did, I tried telling my mom that i didn't think what was wrong with me was a physical problem but rather a mental problem, but naturally she made it sound like it was all in my head "mind over matter" But I knew that was not the case with me, I lost interest in things that i normally i loved to do, I just started pulling back from people and everything. But what really started worrying me was when I'd have moments when I could be talking to someone or when I'd go somewhere and my mind would go blank i mean literally white and all sound and recollection would leave me, and the next thing I knew I'm back at my dorm with groceries or i'm back to reality and now the other person has finished the conversation with me and now there walking away. It was those tiny moments in time where i couldn't honestly tell you where i was or what I was doing. Also mirrors were a problem for me every time i looked myself in the mirror I didn't see just me my perception of myself had been change I saw gashes all over me, and I thought to myself well those must be my emotional wounds things I never bother to deal with.My DP also came with migraines, I did go in for testing with the migraines personally I thought there was a chemical imbalance with my brain. But the doctors thought i was over analyzing myself and i went though quite a lot of different medications but nothing seemed to work for me or at least if it did help with the migraines they always came back and I still didn't feel connected. I also had problems with eating, It was like i couldn't eat unless someone order me or reminded to eat, and I would get this metallic taste in my mouth. So How Did i get over it. [I remember when things had changed for me was after flu I had gotten back in August it was the chills and fatigue so I figured if i could get that again then perhaps that could reverse what had happen to me.] Also had a bad break up, I ended because I didn't it was fair to date him under the circumstances that I was in. but despite the fact that i couldn't get mad , there were tears coming down face i didn't want to eat stayed in bed obvious signs that showed i was heartbroken but I couldn't feel the sadness , anyway I started on what I did what I did, and i re-read old diaries entries for the most part I just started being honest with myself on why i felt stress or anxiety, fears you name it. I locked myself in a room and I wrote down how i really felt about myself and I yelled at the mirror I was completely and totally honest with myself and I was bawling and then i flip over the page and read off the things I like about myself. and over 24 hours I had my emotions back i felt connected again and it truly was an awesome feeling to have all that off my shoulders  . I have my emotions back i feel great the only bad things was i wish I didn't lose boyfriend in the process.


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## Do.I

Ok, the whole playing out how I think a conversation will go in my head rings a lot of bells.

Anyway, I don't really remember what it was like before I had it, except I was miserable as many made my time at boarding school hell. I know I'm not depressed because depressed would feel like an emotion to me, and recently the only real world emotion I seem to have is anger. I get wound up by the smallest things. I get a break from it sometimes by watching sit-coms. Anyway, I've got no focus or motivation to do anything, and social situations (even with life long friends) have become strange and surreal to me; so much so that I usually leave a party or a club early (on the rare occasion when I go out). It never bothered me particularly before, because feeling nothing seemed better that feeling miserable, but I miss the rest, and in my final year at university I need to be able to focus on what is going on around me, or focus on a text book. I'm also very in my head, I'm constantly critiquing every one of my actions, and I obsess about when I might have let someone down. It seems to be combined with a permanent guilt.

Anyway, its kind of nice to have somewhere to write this, even if its never read.


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## EverDream

Do.I said:


> Ok, the whole playing out how I think a conversation will go in my head rings a lot of bells.
> 
> Anyway, I don't really remember what it was like before I had it, except I was miserable as many made my time at boarding school hell. I know I'm not depressed because depressed would feel like an emotion to me, and recently the only real world emotion I seem to have is anger. I get wound up by the smallest things. I get a break from it sometimes by watching sit-coms. Anyway, I've got no focus or motivation to do anything, and social situations (even with life long friends) have become strange and surreal to me; so much so that I usually leave a party or a club early (on the rare occasion when I go out). It never bothered me particularly before, because feeling nothing seemed better that feeling miserable, but I miss the rest, and in my final year at university I need to be able to focus on what is going on around me, or focus on a text book. I'm also very in my head, I'm constantly critiquing every one of my actions, and I obsess about when I might have let someone down. It seems to be combined with a permanent guilt.
> 
> Anyway, its kind of nice to have somewhere to write this, even if its never read.


I read it.  
I have the same problems. One of the things I hate the most is living too much in my own head, thinking too much about everything. By the way, I'm in my second year at uni. My semester break started yesterday and I have a lot of hard tests... :|

Anyway, I hope things will go better for you.


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## tayiadragonbite

i have had DP/DR for as long as i can remember. it's hard to remember a time when i wasn't DP. i know there was a before but i can't connect to it. i was sexually abused as a child, although it wasn't till my best friend died when i was 11 that everything spiraled out of control and i started finding value in DP. it felt better at the time to shut off my emotions that to feel the chaos that my emotions were at the time. i started to call it the Void and anytime i feel anything its a momentary bubble of emotion. it rises to the surface and the bubble pops and it's back to the void. 
i always feel like an outsider, like a filter is between me and everyone else, no one notices but i don't feel like everyone else i knew for a long time i was different but didn't know what was wrong. i feel dead inside. i want to connect but i don't know how anymore. i am afraid of being judged by the people i know if i tell them. i don't want to be labeled as crazy. i'm not. sometimes i feel like i am going crazy though. 
i am very analytical and logical most of the time unfortunately my mind doesn't like to shut off and i can be very critical of myself. i can look at myself or other people or anything really and it will seem/look so alien. i was looking at my foot and was thinking this is what a foot is supposed to look like? it so weird that feet developed to look as they do. now i know it looks like it's supposed to but i can't connect the image with what i am supposed to know.
i can recall memories but i have trouble remembering any emotions. i am usually good with words but getting them out seems impossible i am smart and can't even figure how to start talking with someone, i feel so awkward trying, and i feel as if i'm sure they can tell(whether they can or not). over the years i got really good at hiding it, put on the painted mask. it can be physically, mentally, emotionally exhausting interacting with others.
i don't want to give up on being normal, but i've been this way a long time and it's only gotten worse as time has gone by. i haven't gone to a professional about it i have no insurance. i also suffer from chronic pain and the worse the pain the worse my DP. it is hard trying to balance dealing with my physical pain and also with my DP. it's nice to have others to talk with who truly understand what i suffer from but i haven't spoken to one person who can tell me they got better and the how of it cause that's the most important, how do i get better how can i be normal?


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## lostinadream2

I just signed up for this tonight. And even though I'm stressed out from this feeling, I have slight relief that there are people out there who I can relate to and actually understand what I'm feeling. It's been going on with me for about 2 years now, and before that I felt completely fine or "normal." I had a identity , hobbies, friends, family, EMOTIONS, and most of all a sense of reality. I could interact with people without thinking how werid everything around them felt including myself. Now I'm stuck with this feeling, and I'm scared. Scared if it doesnt go away how long will I be able to take it, because these 2 years feel like my whole life, and everything before it seems like its nothing. I'm only 22 years old and I want any help and advice from anyone to get my life back.


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## lostinadream2

I just signed up for this tonight. And even though I'm stressed out from this feeling, I have slight relief that there are people out there who I can relate to and actually understand what I'm feeling. It's been going on with me for about 2 years now, and before that I felt completely fine or "normal." I had a identity , hobbies, friends, family, EMOTIONS, and most of all a sense of reality. I could interact with people without thinking how werid everything around them felt including myself. Now I'm stuck with this feeling, and I'm scared. Scared if it doesnt go away how long will I be able to take it, because these 2 years feel like my whole life, and everything before it seems like its nothing. I'm only 22 years old and I want any help and advice from anyone to get my life back.


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## NightTime

uggh god, I feel like there is no hope for me. I can't find a damn doctor that even knows what I'm talking about or that can even reffer me to one that knows anything about dp.


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## DigestedRainbow

I was wondering if it's posible that i may be just making up the experiences and sensations that i've been having recently.
I know what DP and DR is and i'm not sure is what ive been feeling is just 'normal' but exagerated by my mind.

Even though I've experienced; 
brain fog, mind chatter, disorientation, foggy vision, eyes are light sensitive, wrong emotions, paranoia, little relation to memories, for some reason my enverionment seems strange, spaciness, and i can kinda feel my thoughts in my head (make any sence?), and other visual disurbences. And a tone of other stuff.
I have not ,however, experienced any panic attacks.

I dont feel this way all the time and when i dont it seems to feel as if i was just making it up.

Any Thoughts?


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## maximuseen

Hi Im new here but I have had brief episodes of DP all my life I think, I used to be able to control it and it would go in a minute or so (which felt like forever at the time) and a few months ago I had my first Major attack. I hadnt done weed in a few years and didnt realise how much it would affect me so I had A LOT. I went out and it started hitting me when I was crossing a road, doing the 5minute walk to meet my friend was horrible, I felt like I was a character in a video game and the roads I had walked down a million times suddenly flickered and played over and over again so I was walking down the same road 100 times. It got worse from then on, I spent at least an hour convinced I had died and was in hell, every second lasted eternity and nothing in my house was familiar to me, It seemed like I knew it but none of it belonged to me or was connected to me, like it was some kind of test from God. I asked my friend what was wrong and he said I was just stoned but I said it was impossible because there was no way I would ever put myself through this. Since then I havent done weed or drank, I dont smoke, I go the gym, I have a full time job and a boyfriend and friends, a massive support network, but it has happened to me almost every day since. The GP has put me on betablockers and then anti depressants but they seem to be just keeping it bubbling under not stopping anything. Im on a waiting list for a counsellor and every day I think about how much I cant wait to see him, I know it wont get solved in one day but Im hopeful that it will be a big step forward.
One thing I wanted to ask was if anyone else gets the feeling that they dont know how they got here? here being...life or earth or existance? Sometimes when I get really into a panic I feel like im looking at the world for the first time and I could extinguish at any second and Im not sure if Im thinking these thoughts at all...I try to remember my childhood and it feels like it has happened to somebody else. I dont know if thats part of the not attaching emotion to people or things or events part of the DP but its one of the things that bother me the most. I try to cling on to the fact Im me at all.


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## elcapitan

i am dying to post some sort of list of symptoms. it might be cathartic.

1. its like i am constantly existing in my dream - in my dreams i only see what i'm looking at/concentrating on, i dont notice whats around me. tunnel vision.
2. i get brain fogged. i dont feel like i'm thinking. and hard to force some way to think, to push past the fogginess.
3. anhedonia. get bored quickly, lack of interest in doing things in general.
4. i'm numb but not numb. detached. sort of i know what it feels like, but i cant feel it. sort of like wearing plastic gloves on.
5. sometimes i'm not aware of my limbs, and having difficulty walking in a balanced way.
6. i feel cut off from my body. its like my body and i are two things i'm a little dot puppeteer, and i'm "moving" my limbs, from somewhere distant-ed.
7. sometimes walls, surfaces look like they have a "beat".
8. my sense of time is weird, like i only exist in the last 24 hrs.
9. my memory is terrible, see above.
10. the world seems further away from me.
11. my reflection terrifies me, to the point, i dislike looking at me when i have no choice. its like that person is not me, i have ascertain that person is me.
12. my concentration is awful, i lose my focus, line of thought, hard to listen to people. i have to struggle to me be mentally here. i am only capable of doing this at a 20% capacity.
13. when i move its like objects/surfaces move with me.
14. physical sensation is "detached" too.
15. i sometimes develop fantasies to explain my being. maybe i'm not me anymore. like a ghost/soul with the outward appearance of having a body.
so if i hurt myself, i wouldnt die/get hurt.


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## hopeseed

Can depersonaliztion feel like this:

I am lightheaded and fuzzy headed feeling. I get a little numb on my face and lips. I don't feel like I am not in my body I just feel really weird and spacey and it is ALL THE TIME. It is more obvious when I am focused on it but sometimes I'm not. It feels a little better when I am disracted. but it is always there. It started after some major anxiety about other symptoms in my body. I've been checked out for a million things and doctors cannot find anytihng.
Has anyone had it stay for weeks at a time?
And
can a perosn have depersonalization without the out of body thing. 
I don't feel unreal, although I do feel really wierd because I'm spacey and lightheaded, also light sensitive.


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## inafog2

I can't believe there are so many people that feel like I do! It's like I am living my life in a dream, like I'm going to wake up any minute and then I'll be in my actual life. I also feel like I want to shake myself so I will wake up, but I can't because I am stuck here in this fog. Does anybody else feel like this? I have trouble interacting with others b/c I don't feel like I am there. I'm always afraid that they will know, like they are going to be like "Hello??? Are you there?" It makes me not want to speak to anyone, especially at work. I feel so bad b/c I have such an amazing boyfriend but it's as if I have no emotions and I am incapable of showing my feelings towards him. Help! Does anybody feel like this?


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## Leora23

Hello, im new, and figured i'd list my symptoms and what helps me a little bit...For starters my brain feels terribly numb. My body is on auto pilot and i cant seem to connect my brain and what i'm seeing to my body and what i'm feeling. I can interact with everyone normally, and i dont people's faces turn weird, thank god, but i am scared that this will last for years like i see in other people's posts. I dont ever feel like going anywhere, i've become the laziest person... The thing that does help though, is telling myself that this is just my brain's way of trying to help me out of the extreme stress i'm under, and try and make the best out of everything, and try to live in the present. I'm getting married in a couple months, and my biggest fear is that I won't enjoy the day because i'll be in this constant daydream....i try and tell myself before i go to sleep not to worry about tomorrow and waking up another day with it, to just enjoy the night's peace and quiet, and to sleep well. Prayer also helps, God wouldnt bring you to it, if he couldn't bring you through it.


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## York

Hi. I've experienced dp two times before in my life, last time was about 15 months ago. It lasted for two months, then disappeared when I got pregnant, from one day to the next. I was SO relieved it went away, but then to my horror it has now returned two months after giving birth. What really scares me this time is that it's so much harder to define the feeling of having dp or whatever it is I have. I'm not really feeling foggy or like I'm outside my body or the other classical signs. I'm just not ME. I have no identity. Have I gone mad? Is there anything wrong or is everything the same? It's like I don't even know.I know everything was fine, then I had a panicattack, then this. When I look at my hands or in the mirror I freak out, everything is strange and unfamiliar. How long will this last?? I can't even take care of my kid.


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## York

.


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## York

For some reason my computer posted three times..


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## York

> One thing I wanted to ask was if anyone else gets the feeling that they dont know how they got here? here being...life or earth or existance? Sometimes when I get really into a panic I feel like im looking at the world for the first time and I could extinguish at any second and Im not sure if Im thinking these thoughts at all...I try to remember my childhood and it feels like it has happened to somebody else. I dont know if thats part of the not attaching emotion to people or things or events part of the DP but its one of the things that bother me the most. I try to cling on to the fact Im me at all.


I have the exact same thoughts/feelings!!! Sometimes I wonder If I'm an old soul that has just been put here, and that dp makes me forget this "new" earthly existence I've had since 1979... I'm looking at my boyfriend and thinking "you seem very nice...But who the hell are you?" :lol: Everything is so unfamiliar. The first time I had a panicattack I seriously dp'd, and remember spontaniously thinking "I can't be this girl anymore". I felt like I was saying it to some higher being (I know how crazy it sounds), and that I felt like I had no connection to this life and that I'd come from somewhere before this.. It's crazy. But it felt real.


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## sothisisit

I have had some of those "on the ceiling looking down on my own body" episodes but they have been very few and the last occurence many years ago. My overwhelming sensation or symptom is one of not belonging anywhere...as if no matter where I am, I am an outsider and access to their world is unattainable. And it isn't that I am a wallflower or reclusive...quite the opposite. I can be engaging with the effort and almost universally well-liked and encouraged to take part, thought of as very funny, pleasant, intelligent and interesting guy. But no matter where I am, I can't wait to get out of there and be alone...because that is the only time this fucking dreamlike state seems even close to natural. Being with other people is absolutely exhausting and a simple dinner with family or friends can take days to recover from. The moments that I feel normal are quite rare these days and have been so for the past 3 or more years. Those moments occur almost exclusively when I am alone or in a position as an observer and not forced to interact.

I can no longer say that I even have friends anymore as I stopped answering and returning calls long ago; it was easier than trying to explain why I didn't want to be with any of them. Now the only calls I get are when I forget to pay a bill which is also occuring with more frequency. I have found that the avoidance of relationships has simplified my life, but obviously not enriched it. I have yet to find that which enriches. I find my life empty and even after experiencing a few good days, I am reticent to contact friends and family because I can only see myself disappointing them when the symptoms descend upon me again in the future and I again have to stop answering the phone. Invitations to activities and events have now ceased in my life and I am afraid to encourage anybody to hang with me since tomorrow I will likely want to avoid them. It is simply exhausting to be with people when I am in "my state" and my job then suffers. My job is the only connection to reality that I seem to have and even that doesn't seem real. But it does provide me with a means of self-support while helping others in this dream.

Social History: I grew up the eldest of three boys in a home with a schizophrenic and alcoholic mother. During my late teens I experimented with virtually every drug available. I can honestly say that I was never addicted, but was even then an observer to my experience rather than a participant. Drugs really were for me an experiment of other realities...none that I cared to exist in for prolonged periods, but not an unfavorable alternative to my own. I nearly never brought friends home, embarassed as I was of my home situation. I went to five different high schools (also contributing to my paucity of friendships) as well as 5 trips to jail. I did finally finish my undergraduate degree after 7 years but struggled mightily to get passing grades. Later, after a divorce in my late 30's it was suggested that I may have Adult ADD and was begun on Ritalin. This was a revelation and I was able to finish two graduate degrees and have a career I am proud of. The school work was not easy, but for the first time I seemed to be able to live up to the grade and junior high school testing that suggested I was of a pretty intelligent kid. But I am never satisfied because I still feel the world I belong to must be somewhere else. It can't be this one. I invariabley frustrate women who try to love me. I am not cruel to them, but as hard as they try, neither they nor I can close the gap. I feel like an imposter, filling the skin of this guy they call ME, but unable to be ME.

My father died last year of cancer. He had some marijuana for his symptoms. I took it home where it has lived in my refrigerator until last week. I had a few days off work and decided to take a hit off a joint. For the next few hours I could see my life more clearly than I have in years. It was a pitiful illumination of lonliness but I did finally have some compassion for myself. That is now wearing off, but for a bit, I could at least see that my symptoms were probably not atypical for my upbringing...I essentially raised myself and to a degree my brothers while trying to hide from the world the surreallity of our living conditions...basically denying my existence every step of the way. You don't bring you friends into your home when mom is involved in an argument with the television.

I always thought I was simply the product of my surroundings as well as a product of my genes, with the nurture part activating the nature part. I never fit into any other DSM-IV category alone, which I guess by exclusion and my symptoms fits me snuggly into DP. I have had counselling in the past as well, but it offers insight rather than answers toward repair. I'm now pretty certain that this simply is my life and a "fix" is not on the horizon. There was a time when I wanted to have children, but I think that it would be best for a child to not have to try to figure out how they fit into her father's reality. I sometimes think that a relationship with the woman of my dreams (no pun intended) would be a move in the right direction and possibly towards partial healing, but that hasn't been an answer in the past, and probably is a strong predictor of the future. I either frustrate and exhaust the right woman, or I choose the wrong women...maybe both simultaneously. I no longer trust in my ability to choose well, nor do I want to put a person that I may love through what they don't deserve. Again, I feel that no matter who the prospective partner is, she is a better match for a hundred others.

I have a kitten that I adopted after she found me at the local Safeway (I guess she adopted me). I am learning electronics and have started building my first amplifier. I play my guitar and try to learn something new every week. I have begun writing daily for deeper insight into my condition and hopefully to one day complete a book. I study medicine constantly and I am learning Spanish so I can better perform my job. I am good at my job and do help others with their maladies and have a deeper empathy for their emotional issues having lived with my own. This is what keeps me going at this time. These activities don't so much fulfill me as satisfy my need for growth. I don't love life unfortunately, but I don't fantasize the gun in my mouth as often when I am busy and learning. I know that this reality I feel is probaly not the reality that I am living and therefore may have some meaning, so I go on to see how it will end. I am putting money away that I will leave to my brothers and their families when the time is right so they know I never stopped thinking of them or loving them.


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## ChampionSocks

Sup guys! Aren't the existential thoughts the worst. Those are the ones that trouble me the worst and the ones that make my DP worse. I would say the second worst are the ones were i lose control or do some harm to anyone. I think sometimes we just ned someone that knows what we are going through to bring us back to reality. *Here is my Yahoo messenger if anyone wants to talk, please feel free*: doomilla


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## Ghostmon

For me DP is like being a robot without eyes stuck in a two dimensional hell.

I have only been experiencing this for a few months now (since October 08). What strikes me (whatever "I" really am) is that not so long ago i used to be afraid of dying. Since the DP kicked in, I'm afraid of living...


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## oncloudnine

You have just summed it up brilliantly for me by saying one of the things you hate the most is living too much in your head.

Would you say that was a symptom of dp because for me that is one of the things that causes me the most distress as that means I have to constantly reassure myself that it is me doing things and I get to the stage where I am convinced I am not doing anything. Does that make sense?


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## Chillwynston

Guys, try this to quiet your mind, cos its living in your mind that stops you returning to reality..

Think

"What am I goin to think of next?" and stop and your mind will go blank, now look around and smell and hear your surroundings, touch things in this state and become present, do this a few times a day or when you are feeling overwhelmed by thoughts, remember your mind isnt you, you are in control of it!!


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## ryanweatherby

Chillwynston said:


> Guys, try this to quiet your mind, cos its living in your mind that stops you returning to reality..
> 
> Think
> 
> "What am I goin to think of next?" and stop and your mind will go blank, now look around and smell and hear your surroundings, touch things in this state and become present, do this a few times a day or when you are feeling overwhelmed by thoughts, remember your mind isnt you, you are in control of it!!


Wow.... that actually kind of works. Heh.


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## Chillwynston

I know I read it in a book called "the power of now" The first half is pretty good, gives you some tips on how to keep yourself present, the second half is spiritual stuff, not for me!!

Whenever I'm feelin detached I use this and I feel more me again!!


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## Antoinette_R

To be honest, I don't know if this is really DP...

I haven't been to the doctor or been diagnosed with anxiety or anything, but lately I've been feeling like nothing is real anymore. Even close family and friends. When I'm with them, I can still act normal - laugh, chat etc - and I think I do care about them, and I don't feel like the things I do are an act, I don't methodically plan out my reactions...but all the while, there's "me" thinking, just thinking and analysing and thinking "why am I here?", if I feel something: "Do I really feel this? Why do I feel this? What's the point?" and that part of me doesn't seem to feel anything, "I'm" just thinking, never completely in the moment...

...sort of like I've left part of myself on auto-pilot.

I don't feel any of the fear or panic that's been mentioned in many posts and articles that I've read, I just find myself thinking in circles alot. Mostly about whether anything is real...and sometimes...I just feel like a spiral of thoughts, alone, inside my body...which keeps me from the world.

Sometimes I just want to stop thinking, but I can't...even when I'm drunk, there's still "me", thinking my way through, even when my body and mind have been blitzed with alcohol and I can't open my eyes, let alone walk (this does not happen regularly by the way), I'm still thinking clearly.

I can't remember what it feels like to completely relate to a person. Even myself.


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## Chillwynston

Sounds like you have some obsessive thinking patterns...There may be some dp in there....

Try to chill about it, learn to meditate.. your mind is speeding too fast you need to get out of it. Everything you see around you IS real, you are, accept it...


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## THEBEST1000

my Depersonalization disorder is like this:i dont feel my head i have major fear i feel always the floor is going up and down and i dont recognize my house i have major derealization...this is because i stayed too much at the computer i think.but i have this for 2 months almost and every day i feel very bad.now i am put by my doctor on zoloft(aka setraline) and rispen :!:


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## York

> i am put by my doctor on zoloft(aka setraline) and rispen


I have DR big time, and Oxazepam really helps..


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## Chillwynston

I've been thinkin right...

I'm a design engineer and every day I use CAD and 3d modelling systems, a lecturer at my college told me because the 3d modelling creates depth it can skewer your own perception of depth, which happened to me, things looked flat and 2d.. When people say things like "I dont recognise my house" which I have in the past.. are they just eye disorders? Because as much as I thought I dnt recognise my house I obviously did but it looked different.. Or... when you look at anything you have a feeling toward it, is it the lack of the familier feeling that causes it to look different, cos does it really look different or is the feeling causing this.. This made me think, maybe I am looking for a familier,old feeling instead of just feeling what the house brings...its something to think about!


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## Realiity

SoulBrotha said:


> i don't think people get it


 I agree. I really *don't* think people get this at all. 
I mean, people who are 'okay', anyway.
I'm terrified of this thought though.
I'm scared that any one I seek help from will just think it's nothing.
I have this Substance Abuse counsellor I just started talking with yesterday, I suppose we're going to have appointments once a week.
While I'm talking to him, I feel like he gets me and that everything will be great but as soon as I walk away, I get so scared. I'm so scared that he doesn't think it's really any thing, or that I'm just over reacting.


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## GothicFighter

hi! My first post here. I'm 14. For me it's like I'm walking but I'm doing it like it's done automatically. I also feel like I'm dreaming and the whole world it's unreal. Sometimes I talk but I feel like Its not my voice. But I can live with it. I can think normally, do things I did before the only difference is that I do it like a robot. I am like thing from about 1 month ago or something like this and I can't even realize when it started. I had short periods of DP/DR when I was overexcited or when I was in another city for a concert of my favourite band. I hope it will pass.


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## Moshin

Janinebaker said:


> Asking yourself constantly IF this is dp, and then thinking that NOBODY else on this earth could possibly be experiencing what we experience...it must NOT be dp, it's something else, I've convinced myself it's dp, but it's not....this is different, this is something more than dp, this is even something more than a mental symptom - this is some kind of inner experience that goes way beyond any symptom...or I've tried to think it's dp, but something else is happening to me, something nobody else can see or understand because they THINK it's dp....and I'm too sick to understand it, but I can see that it's more...
> 
> that is the CLASSIC kind of thinking that accompanies dp.
> 
> Peace,
> Janine


I would like to hear your thoughts on this: do you also have problems to "surrender" to the words of a therapist just because for those who have studied it from books this kind of profound anxiety and and "unrealness" about the world and yourself will always remain abstract to them? To me it feels like discussing colors with someone who is color blind, and who says: "oh sure, I know what green is, it is a mixture of blue and yellow with such and such light intensity and I am told that trees have green leaves.

I have been in group therapy before, where every anxious emotion was rationalized by the group therapists, and I got very annoyed by this, because it seemed that they wanted to somehow exorcixe, or put to silence this anxiety with the ratio: "oh, but this is because you had a bad childhood" or, "this is because you have issues of insecurity" etc. etc. It is as if they themselves fear this profound fear of "nothing". It strikes me how little they understand of it, as, surely, if they would have experienced it themselves they would understand that thoughts and ratio are the last thing that could help this anxiety and dp/pr go away. In fact, it seems to enhance it.

Recognition helps a lot, so I am glad to have found this forum. In a way, I think we are all philosophers of life, getting closest to experience abstractness and enhanced reality, and in that sense I think it is also (even if this may sound cruel) important to emancipate ourselves from this notion of "unrealness" that is only unreal to the ones who have not witnessed it themselves. We _also_ and in fact have a wisdom -whether we want it or not- and I wish therapists, psychoanalysts or, more importantly, the people that surround us, would not just see us as victims of our own bodies and minds, but also as people that have the capacity to think beyond the limits of what others are capable of imagining. Even though it is a wisdom I certainly do not embrace, I have stopped seeing myself as a victim, which I hope might bring me a bit closer to fighting my feelings of helpnessless towards anxiety, depersonalization and derealization.

I am curious to hear about your experiences with therapists and psychoanalysts and wonder if you can relate to this.


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## Disordered Indoors

oh my god!i was sure that i am the only one who feels in this way.i am only 18 years old.i've felt unreal several times in the past,but it didn't last for a long time...but now it's back.i don't know why but i feel that this time it's here to stay..it's really horrible,especially now that i read all these symptoms i realize that i am "mentally sick" or something. i feel i'm gonna burst into tears.i feel i've almost lost the sense of touch,i feel like a robot,like i am watching a movie,like people around me don't exist.i look in the mirror and try to convience me that i exist.another thought that has also passed my mind,is that i am dead or in a coma...i wanna talk about this to my best friend ,but i don't know how..i'm afraid that she's gonna get me to a psychiatrist.i've noticed that this happens to me usually in summer or in very happy times.yesterday i tried to get drunk in order to forget that terrible feeling but it didn't work.


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## Kit_kat361

I get this tensions headaches with flickers of light in sight (closed and open)
I feel out of it most of the time
Feel like I'm being controlled by someone else
Zone out when concentrating really hard e.g. listening to a different language or reading a book
Sometimes, everything goes faster- like someone hit the fast forward button- sometimes I can start it but can't stop it- I get really really scarred.
I remember when I was about 8 or so, I tried to explain how I wasn't really alive, I felt like I had been killed but still on earth, being controlled by someone else
6 years on, I just accepted it, until I came accross dissociative disorders while doing an assignment
The summary of Depersonalisation/depersonalization (for you americans) really caught my eye.
I did a DES test and got a very high score (then I did a depression and bipolar test and got a very high score)
Snapped at my best friend for no good reason 10 minutes ago, feel very down/out of it 
Need help. BTW, it doesn't go away...EVER


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## Kitr

Does anyone also experience a pressure on the forehead?


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## karebear5891

hi, my name is Karen. I've been having these episodes for about 13 years, and I never knew that it was anything other than me being crazy until I stumbled on a website that described it and all of a sudden my problem became real and not something I thought I was just imagining. I thought it was just me. Not that I'm glad for anyone to have these experiences, but I'm glad that there's actually support out there for it.

Well, I could be doing anything when it starts. I could be in my car, I could be with friends, I could just be at home. Most of the time it starts when I'm with other people. I can feel it start to come on. It's almost like I'm sinking backwards into another reality. My first thought when it happens is "Please, no, not again". Everything starts to feel odd. Everything around me gets a glass bottle appearance. Sort of distorted and hazy. I hear myself respond to someone and it's like someones talking to me through one of those "telephones" you make as a child with the cups and the string. I also can't get a grasp on what's being said to me and how I'm replying. I know, but I don't. I can remember the first incident I was with a group of friends. I was 11 years old, and had never (and still haven't ever) taken drugs. The only mood altering drug I have ever taken was 1 valium before having eye surgery. That sent me into a DP episode as well as a panic attack. I had been completely calm and relaxed before I took that pill and all of a sudden everything became distorted and I was so anxious. I didn't know what to do with myself. I got on the table and they were telling me I needed to try to relax. I finally managed to grit my teeth and ball up my hands underneath my back. It didn't calm me down, but it did give me a semblance of reality which helped. Stress does seem to be a trigger for more frequent episodes. Just thinking about this all is making me flip out a bit.


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## madman

I get paranoid that what I've got isn't actually DP.. it's still quite a new thing. i've got the whole 'am i going mad?' thing going on, although now that i've convinced myself i've got dp i'm more at ease, but i haven't found my other symptoms anywhere on this site/the internet. anyone relate to the following stuff?

- Sentences are difficult to follow, and i find myself not absorbing the meaning of what people say, but having to translate it. as a result, i'm always on edge when people are talking to me, worried i'm gonna stop understanding them at any minute

- negative words are impossible to deal with. put the word 'not' in a sentence and the thing i've described above is ten times worse.. some sentences with double negatives in i can't understand no matter how long i look at them.

there are loads of other things like this, like i'm generally unsure of the meaning of any word... i used to over achieve consistently, top of the class etc. now i feel like ordinary conversation is beyond me.

I just reread this and the bits where i've used more than one negative in a sentence are messing with my head. tell me this is dp someone?


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## Tommygunz

edit


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## Ryddle

Its like living life through a middle man. like when i speak im not the one who is doing the talking, someone who can read my mind is doing the talking for me and i dont even have to be there for the conversation to continue.

-Jak


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## josh_b44231

I am with Soul Brotha.

I want it to end too.

It is scary not feeling like I am in control of my body; like someone else is controlling my body, or I am controlling someone else's body.


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## punKrockeR

for me it's just the autopilot thing. I don't really get panic attacks or anything like that, I just feel like I'm detached from my actions and emotions. it's very persistent and never really goes away, though some days are better than others. I feel completely in control of myself and aware of what I'm doing, but it's like what Jak said, as though everything I do goes through a middleman. it's impossibly hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it themselves because there's really nothing to compare or relate it to except by using confusing metaphors that usually just gain me confused expressions from people. only my immediate family even knows about it because it's honestly just not worth the effort to try and explain to people how I feel without them thinking i'm just an oversensitive attention-whore or just a complete nutter.

but I think we all have one thing in common, an overwhelming desire for it to go away. if I sit down and really meditate on it, it really gets to me. but if I distract myself or visit a mate, I can usually forget that I even have it. computer games help, but you have to be very careful not to become too anti-social or that compounds the problem. I think I can safely assume we all enjoy being alone in our comfort zone, but in my experience, the only way to live a balanced realtively stress-free life is to get out and about at least as often as not. I guess you get used to it after a few years, but you could never grow to accept it.

to me it's a bloody curse, because there's no real explanation for why it happened to me and it's one of those things that won't physically harm me, but drives me nuts. I guess god was just in a shitty mood when he planned my existence lol


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## dannyboy

hello my names dannyboy my anxiety started from somoking weed and since then my aniexty has been hell., basically everyday for the past 2 months my depersonlisation has been very bad such as ill be on public transport or anywhere and ill have a day dream or just look a somethingand all of a sudden i will have this episode were i just feel weird as everything is unreal or im unreal i want to enjoy life but theres no hope i feel for myself can anyone tell me how they coped or help me cope witht this issue thank you.


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## JumpJump

I've had what I think is DP/DR for around 8 months now. It's been constant, but worse at some times than others. It was caused - as far as I'm concerned - by a cocktail of severe stress, anxiety, and dissociative drugs. It has left me unable to function like an ordinary person.

As most people seem to agree, the experience of DP/DR is surreal and foreign enough to be impossible to fully capture in words. Bizarre, unsettling, terrifying and numbing, people would need to feel it themselves to truly understand the extent of the thing. I've given up trying to articulate this unreality to doctors, etc.

I do not feel like I have an identity anymore - certainly not a fixed one. My mind is creating a temporary one on the fly. When I remember myself last week, month, year, I am imagining different people. 'Me' as a concept is fuzzy and without edges. 'I' - in the sense of my foremost consciousness - seems to be observing the actions of this vessel, this body. 'I', am entirely indiffferent to a reality that seems anything but real. The only acute emotion I feel is fear. I have cried lately but even then - I feel like I am watching myself being upset, it is not 'me' that is upset...'me' is, essentially, nothing, and is, therefore, entirely numb. I feel like my insides want to scream - but can't. My physical body seemds like something apart from me. I have looked at my hands and been shocked by the sight of them. I have been convinced that I was losing all feeling in my feet.

One of the worst aspects, for me, has been the extent to which my concentration and memory is affected. Thinking seems like physical exertion, remembering takes real effort. I am always forgetting; it's like a reset button is being pressed every few seconds and I'm having to start from scratch. I'm passionate (or was passionate) about writing, and good writing needs good memory, so this is devastating in that regard. Not to mention the everyday consequences.

The worst part is that, in explaining this to others, they understand what I'm saying only as some metaphysical concept. A cute new little philosophy I've come up with, like all that's happened is I've changed my thinking about life and identity. But they don't get it: I don't experience this as an idea; I experience it as acutely and physically as a kick to the face.


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## DownTheRabbitHole

this is pretty much how i feel , but ive somehow managed to trick myself into accepting the new form of operation to some extent.



> I do not feel like I have an identity anymore - certainly not a fixed one. My mind is creating a temporary one on the fly. When I remember myself last week, month, year, I am imagining different people. 'Me' as a concept is fuzzy and without edges. 'I' - in the sense of my foremost consciousness - seems to be observing the actions of this vessel, this body. 'I', am entirely indiffferent to a reality that seems anything but real. The only acute emotion I feel is fear.


i know what you mean with the not being able to express things into words, theres soo much stuff i cant express but ive somehow managed to understand it internally, but cant explain it. its wierd.

it wasnt til you talked there about the whole way your mind is now working, that i actually felt like i could remember how my brain used to feel when it was working, compared to now where it feels like ive downgraded from a 5ghz super cooled processor, down to a 200mhz piece of crap processor.

ive been thinking of something lately, about what i remember when i was young..

i remember closing my eyes, and i used to be able to see stuff like shapes, and im sure cartoon like imaging,like as though i had a tv to look at stuff with my mind. and i remember asking my friend if he seen the shapes and things too, and he said he did, although how legit his answer can be taken is dependant on whether he was just agreeing with my wierd ass self lol.

its hard to explain what i mean, but when i think back, i actually do feel like my mind is working the way i THINK/know my mind used to work.


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## York

*JumpJump*, that is so well said and exactly how I feel too. 
For people who have never experienced dissociation, it takes a very open mind to grasp how you can feel like you've physically lost your self, as it's a whole other reality. We are, I guess, the only ones who are truly thinking "outside the box", and it's a lonely and unimaginable place to be. I wouldn't have been able to understand if I wasn't in the middle of it. I'm sick of psychologists trying to understand this in a subjective way, as it's your subjective reality that is gone.


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## DownTheRabbitHole

york said:


> *JumpJump*, that is so well said and exactly how I feel too.
> For people who have never experienced dissociation, it takes a very open mind to grasp how you can feel like you've physically lost your self, as it's a whole other reality. *We are, I guess, the only ones who are truly thinking "outside the box", and it's a lonely and unimaginable place to be*. I wouldn't have been able to understand if I wasn't in the middle of it. I'm sick of psychologists trying to understand this in a subjective way, as it's your subjective reality that is gone.


the bolded part. it is , we are thinking outside of th ebox, and people who arent affected dont have to second guess reality.


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## mufasa

Can DP/DR be something you've experienced your whole life? As far back as I can remember, I've always felt like I was watching myself and my life like a spectator who was sometimes interested in the show, sometimes not. Sometimes the spectator me will be thinking about something while the physical me is doing something, like working, and the spectator me won't remember or experience what the physical me is doing. Spectator me is the part of me that is creative and philosophical--the part of me that communicates online and reads and admires pretty things. Physical me is the me that works, studies, and socializes. I've always felt so uninvolved in those things. This means that, on a very deep level, I feel isolated from most "friends" and all of my "family." Although I feel a vague sort of genuine affection for them, I don't really understand why I should love them. I have a few friends that spectator me connects with, but overall, I tend to connect emotionally with literary characters more than real people. Btw, this doesn't mean that I don't experience empathy and guilt. It just means that I feel ridiculous and strange when I do feel empathy and guilt.


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## timetraveler

Hi -

I recently found this group and figured it would be good for me to join a community of people experiencing something similar to me. I've read through the countless stories and its comforting to know I'm not alone.

I'm a 24 year old male and I have a similar story of my first panic attack that changed my life forever and DP that plagues me all day every day since then - feelings of disconnect, not being attached to my body, strange questions about the universe and my existence and mortality...etc

I'm curious - how does this affect your sex lives? how does this effect your work lives? is this a blessing or a burden? Sometimes it feels like a blessing because the experience is so unique and bizarre that I feel like I'm being exposed to an aspect of life that most will never get to see...

but I also seem to be obsessed with the idea that I have a brain tumor, cancer, schizophrenia, etc. Anyone else experience this?

-B


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## DownTheRabbitHole

+ 1 dude.

totaly the same for me.


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## Mario

This can really affect your life in many ways and is not for sure a blessed thing,of course this is just my opinion.I have been suffering from DP/DR for about 4 years and it is getting worse.now MY DP/DR is a so intense 24/7 one.Reading about your description I would say that you suffer only from DP as you don?t report any of the DR symptoms.Anyway,because you reported to have some doubts about your possible medical condiction as you refered that you are obsessed to the possibility of having other illnesses that could be causing your condiction I would suggest you to see a doctor,explain to him/her your symptons and your fears about possible other illnesses and listen about what he/she has to tell you.Of course this is only up to you.
I can asure you that almost all of us who suffer from DP/DR have or had the same obsessions about having other illnesses,such as a brain tumor and so on
In my non doctor opinion I would say that you really suffer from DP without further consequenses but still,as i?m not a doctor...


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## DownTheRabbitHole

timetraveler said:


> I'm curious - how does this affect your sex lives? how does this effect your work lives? is this a blessing or a burden? Sometimes it feels like a blessing because the experience is so unique and bizarre that I feel like I'm being exposed to an aspect of life that most will never get to see...


it can be difficult sometimes, ive found myself..whilst doing the dirty deed  thinking about stupid silly stuff during,resulting in not being present in the moment, like not being aware of chicks emotions etc/
This is just sometimes though, and usually happens,when im a bit anxious perhaps, so probably dissociating to protect my weak ass ego/or self esteem lol

work life, im a mechanic, ive told them about DP lol, and they make jokes which i do too now, and we all laugh about it, i learn my ways of getting around things with DP, infact im going to stop giving it the high horse it craves, and just laugh at it even more, i dont even care about DP, i can barely remember now, what this supposed real even still ''feels'' like.

(comes back from tangent)

work life is fine really, i have lots of friends and barely a nasty person i work with, and im becoming slightly more confident as the days go, and the dp power doesnt hold me.

everytime i get in a bad situation, orfeel myself losing it, i alwasy BLAME THE DP, rather than blaming who i am for the situation. no wonder i have dissociation ..hmmm


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## andrewg

New here, 
The start of my DP/DR (not sure which one or even both yet) happened two weeks after a horrible mushroom trip. 8 hours I thought I was dying and going crazy. However after I came out of it I was fine for two weeks until a Friday at work.

Since then I get these feelings that I'm slowly "losing my soul" like I am being removed from my body and someone else will eventually take control. I've lost all track of time, sometimes I can't sleep because thoughts about schizophrenia are running through my head all night. I've been to the ER twice now thinking I had a brain tumor, heart problems, ringing in the ears, going crazy etc.

Needless to say it's better/worse on some days, really unpredictable though. Tried Buspirone, no good. Now they have me on Alprazolam(xanax) which doesn't really do anything but sedate me when I'm freaking out. I'll have a serious DP/DR spell and it will cause me to have a panic attack which in turn shoots my blood pressure through the roof.

Now I'm constantly listening to the radio or engaging myself so that my thoughts won't wonder. Going to see a psychiatrist Wednesday though, hopefully I'll find out some good news.

**EDIT**
On a side note, since achieving anxiety status, I've quit smoking, started working out at the gym everyday and have been eating super healthy. The only thing I drink now is water. I hardly drink alcohol anymore as well.


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## Garjon

yeah the crazy thoughts can definitely persist, but they get better as time goes on. Although i had a bad trip as well and i seem to remember it took a couple weeks to kinda let it die down so who knows maybe it will all pass. I think it's clear now though that you are probably not someone who should take drugs, some people just can't handle it. So stay away from that and it sounds like you are on the right path. Also, try to take it easy on the xanax, that stuff helps out for sure but you can become heavily dependent on it over time and tapering off is hard to do.

Michael.


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## andrewg

Yea, I used to be a big recreational drug user, I used to eat xanax for fun, now I have to take them to survive the day. Irony at it's best. Although I've never been addicted to much, I try to go the whole day without taking meds, only when it's unbearable is when I take them.


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## JumpJump

The whole substance thing is difficult for me. The cause of my DP/DR can be traced back to severe anxiety and the subsequent immersion into alcohol and drugs in order to escape it. The whole 24/7 party thing, and it was fun for a time, until my mind crossed the line.

Now I try to stay away from drugs, though I still go out with the same people. But it's the alcohol I can't kick. It's not because I love drinking or anything, it's just another form of escape. The worse the DP/DR gets the bigger the craving to escape - to just get fucked up and forget; forget for a night, an hour, a minute. But then it tends to be worse in the days following - severe, like I'm swimming in it. Which, of course, makes escape attractive again. Etc. Etc.

It's a hard cycle to break. Hard to divorce yourself fully from the getaway.


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## andrewg

Saw my psychiatrist today, conclusion: I have hallucinogen induced anxiety. No cure but to suppress the anxiety with 3 (.25) xanax's a day. Which she stated was not close to an addictive dosage. I hope to high heavens she's right.


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## Speechless

feelings of going crazy or insane
can't escape my negative thoughts
feeling like i will live with this for the rest of my life
I fear it very very much
extremely scary
trapped in my mind
alone
feeling emotions less and less
makes me doubt my existance
feels like i have lost ME and cannot find ME again 
makes me deppressed angry and feel cry
feeling like the whole world on my shoulders at times
like the world came crashing down on me when It first hit my when i experienced my panic attack


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## metricfan

I feel really out of place and quiet. Like things that have happened haven't actually happened. It takes awhile for my brain to process things now. I get startled easily. It's so bizarre to explain. My friends think I'm crazy. I'm just not the same person at all. Sometimes I start shaking and twitching. My eyes strain. It's really unpleasant. *Sigh* I wish it would end but I dunno if it will?


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## beckyandjustin

Well for me DP and DR are frustrating somedays and other days it wont even bother me. I noticed I have really bad episodes of DR when I go to the store like at night time I feel as if I am about to go nuts but I know in the back of my head that i am fine and nothing will hurt him i just gotta get a grip on things.


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## Scott Baldridge

I agree I need more information on the full spectrum of symptoms.


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## markzee31

Snowy said:


> I have so many symptoms, and they can vary from week to week. One week i will have a set of different symptoms to the week before. All anxiety/dp, just showing itself in different bloody ways. Here are some of my good fun to live with symptoms.
> 
> Feeling all jumbled up and inside out,
> 
> Feel as though i'm about to lose control and start screaming, frantically skipping naked down the street shaking my boobs with my hands and whistling and shrieking, with my eyes popping out of my head....or something along those lines.
> 
> Everything looks shimmery, like i am looking at the road on a hot summers day.
> 
> Feeling confused and disoriented in certain places, usually when there is alot of noise and a crowd.
> 
> Feel empty inside, have lost the spontaniety of life, like i can't get excited about anything.
> 
> Headaches, blurry eyes, stomach pains, chest pain, feeling like i can't breath, feel like ive had a heart attack or am going to experience one any minute. The same with a stroke, when my head goes numb and my face feels fucked and my hands get all tingly.
> 
> Waking up during the night all tensed up and confused. Waking up from dreaming and feeling like i am still in the dream. Waking up and not feeling like a human.. etc etc etc etc.....so many more....


That seems a lot like my symptoms. Not fun.


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## markzee31

For me, my dp/dr centers around death. The stark reality of my mortality hit me all at once, along with a very agressive panic attack at a phish show prior to that, I took on all of life's mysteries and truths all at once. I often think am I here, why am I here, is this real, am I real, why is this happening. etc etc. a lot of why's that don't have answers. Along with my mental state, I have a constant feeling in my stomach that the floor is going to drop out on me or something else horrible is going to happen. My life has become a fear, anxiety filled disaster. I often get angry or upset with people for seemingly no reason, I am just always on edge. I am constantly wiped out, very little energy. I am always yawning. Some days it's bearable other days it is not. I play a lot of hockey and i can't even shake this when I am playing. If i get a moment of pause on the ice, it freaks me out that I don't feel like I am there. The best way I can describe how I feel is that my body and brain is somewhere off in the matrix, plugged into a machine. This vessel I am in right now is doing all this stuff AS me, but me, my physical self, is somewhere else. Sorry for the all over the place post, but my symptoms are just like that, all over the place.

Take care,
Mark

Good to know there is a place where we can come and talk about this with eachother. As a 23 year old recovering alcoholic, I have seen the power of a fellowship in AA. This is exactly what people like us need, sharing experience, strength and hope with eachother for a better life. Love you all and thank you for being there.


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## Mario

markzee31 said:


> [/font)Good to know there is a place where we can come and talk about this with eachother. As a 23 year old recovering alcoholic, I have seen the power of a fellowship in AA. This is exactly what people like us need, sharing experience, strength and hope with eachother for a better life. Love you all and thank you for being there.




Good to have you on the forum
Wellcome.Keep posting and sharing your expiriences.We have a lot to learn from each other


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## Borisus

hehe I liked the description that was like the allegory of the cave by Plato.

DP, for me, is basically an ongoing feeling that I'm an inch outside of myself.. my vision just isn't quite set to my eyes, it's just a tad bit more difficult to focus on things. I'm also detached from my mind and feelings, which is crappy.. I feel like I'm not the son of my parents, I feel like I don't love my girlfriend, and I never know what I'm thinking... If I'm having a panic attack i won't know about it, I'll just become traumatized of that location. So I tend to skip school/work a lot because I'm so traumatized of those situations. I forget things easily... Sometimes instantly. That's just how it is sometimes, interest has nothing to do with it. My dad always told me "Pull up your socks, work hard, and exercise. You'll be fine." I did, and there has been nothing good about it, not one thing. The money I got I don't care too much about, the stuff I bought is meaningless, the food I bought doesn't taste like it should, and the friends I had I pushed away... Every morning I wake up extremely confused and disoriented. Not sure who I am, what i was doing with my life, or what I have to do that day. This only gets better with time because I start to realize what i have to do(from my girlfriend bitching at me to do stuff)and I play a lot of video games which add to the apathy and make me forget I have DPD.

There is literally nothing left for me on earth, but I live on with the hope that one day I will get better. Plus, I wake up every morning with so much confusion and disorientation I don't remember ever feeling horrible the next day because i feel worse today... That's what DPD is for me.


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## Mario

I was reading this last post of Borisus and this thing came to my mind:

Today i only feel a little bad
Tomorrow i will feel pretty bad
And the day after tomorrow? Well,just horrible.


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## ac_taylor

markzee31 said:


> For me, my dp/dr centers around death. The stark reality of my mortality hit me all at once, along with a very agressive panic attack at a phish show prior to that, I took on all of life's mysteries and truths all at once. I often think am I here, why am I here, is this real, am I real, why is this happening. etc etc. a lot of why's that don't have answers. Along with my mental state, I have a constant feeling in my stomach that the floor is going to drop out on me or something else horrible is going to happen. My life has become a fear, anxiety filled disaster. I often get angry or upset with people for seemingly no reason, I am just always on edge. I am constantly wiped out, very little energy. I am always yawning. Some days it's bearable other days it is not. I play a lot of hockey and i can't even shake this when I am playing. If i get a moment of pause on the ice, it freaks me out that I don't feel like I am there. The best way I can describe how I feel is that my body and brain is somewhere off in the matrix, plugged into a machine. This vessel I am in right now is doing all this stuff AS me, but me, my physical self, is somewhere else. Sorry for the all over the place post, but my symptoms are just like that, all over the place.
> 
> Take care,
> Mark
> 
> Good to know there is a place where we can come and talk about this with eachother. As a 23 year old recovering alcoholic, I have seen the power of a fellowship in AA. This is exactly what people like us need, sharing experience, strength and hope with eachother for a better life. Love you all and thank you for being there.


My feelings are very similar. I'm always freaking out about death, that's how it always begins. From there, it's all down hill. I freak out on people and get angry for the silliest things but I can't help it, and I feel like crap afterwards.
I run everyday with hopes that it will maybe ease my mind but nothing helps for long.


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## ccatali1

ac_taylor said:


> My feelings are very similar. I'm always freaking out about death, that's how it always begins. From there, it's all down hill. I freak out on people and get angry for the silliest things but I can't help it, and I feel like crap afterwards.
> I run everyday with hopes that it will maybe ease my mind but nothing helps for long.


It gets better after you get older; you wish that it would go away but it doesn't. Everyday I hope it won't be too bad, but it is pretty bad, let's face it.
You just learn to live with it and adjust.


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## Mpiirnak

I am also 'self-diagnosed' with DP, but of all the things I am doubting right now, this is painfully obvious. Or, actually, relievingly obvious. I can't imagine what I would be going through right now if not for this site. Well, actually I can imagine. I'm pretty sure this has been developing for years, but I've recently experienced the catalyst effect of weed- one particularly bad trip in front of a mirror has, as I've been putting it for months, "really fucked with my head". But that was like having flashes of it- a mind whirlwind that would last only minuites and that I could easily shrug off as 'oh, here comes the horrifying terror of losing my mind again'. I seemed to have some understanding at that point of it as a chemical passing through me. A couple months later I pinched a blood vessel in my neck, blacking out while still in some weird level of conciousness, thinking I had gone blind. Something about this mirrored the experience of the bad trip. I think it may have also intensified my continual experience of DP. More recently- as in two days ago- after getting really stoned, and really drunk, as a response to an immense amount of repressed stress (my stress is always so repressed I have to sit there and analyze myself to realize I have it) I woke up with such an intense terror I literally jolted out of bed (after having only slept like 5 hours) and now I have created some ridiculuous fear of going to sleep. Last night (more precisely, this morning) I called my freind in almost hysterical tears (and I have never called anyone while crying before. ever) because I was so terrified of being alone with my mind. I then woke up my poor roommate at about 3 am, by this point hyperventalating, and tried to fall asleep in her bed so I wouldn't have to be alone. I think I got two hours of sleep. Maybe. Everytime I would get close to sleep I would get tangled in that sub-level of consciousness and jolt myself awake, lest I 'lose my mind entirely. and permenantly'. 
Its pretty bad right now. I need sleep, lack of sleep makes everything so incredibly worse. I only just discovered this site yesturday but already it has been an amazing resource for me. I was begining to think I was forgetting what it is like to be 'myself'- which, of course, the more I thought about, the more it become increasingly like the 'insanity' of 'losing my mind'. Amoung other attempted distractions I tried to start reading my journal to try and remember, to try and 'bring me back'. It helped a little but almost my entire journal is full of obbsessive introspective ranting about the "Other" in my head that doesn't exist- (anyone here ever studied psychoanalysis?). So I started telling myself I need to define myself in ways other than being insanely introspective (whih I happen to be extremely and terrifyingly good at, and have been since about the age of 10. I'm currently 20). Anyways, my current plan of action is to get some sleeping pills (only a few- I cannot afford another sleepless night) and find an old therapist I started going to last year. And to write my papers and stop thinking I need to drop out of school. Usually I protest to the idea that our mental experiences are mostly caused by chemical reactions, but damn is it good to know there is some kind of chemical imbalance involved here. I have a very good rational justification going on here where it is not so much that I am 'going crazy' but that I have gained such a level of self-awareness I have shattered the illusion we need to be in to believe we have a self. Which probably is true, narcissistic as it sounds. But there is also the sense of being fogged over by something entirely foreign- and this is, I believe, the cause of the unbearable disassociation. 
I would really like to talk with someone who has experienced this. In person I mean. I feel like that is something I have needed for a long time. But for some reason that in itself seems terrifying. 
Anyways, practical question to anyone who knows more about this thing- do sleeping pills sound like a bad idea?


----------



## Mpiirnak

Janinebaker said:


> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> 
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


I have been trying to express these experiences to people for so long, I never thought it could actually be done. And only in the past two days has this site allowed me to (potentially) see this as something I can get past, (or something I can come back from) and not as the deep truth of 'insanity' I have become enlightened by. I can't imagine what be would happening to me if I were still withering away about it purely in my own head. 
Thank you.


----------



## candidacatalino

mpinkm said:


> I am also 'self-diagnosed' with DP, but of all the things I am doubting right now, this is painfully obvious. Or, actually, relievingly obvious. I can't imagine what I would be going through right now if not for this site. Well, actually I can imagine. I'm pretty sure this has been developing for years, but I've recently experienced the catalyst effect of weed- one particularly bad trip in front of a mirror has, as I've been putting it for months, "really fucked with my head". But that was like having flashes of it- a mind whirlwind that would last only minuites and that I could easily shrug off as 'oh, here comes the horrifying terror of losing my mind again'. I seemed to have some understanding at that point of it as a chemical passing through me. A couple months later I pinched a blood vessel in my neck, blacking out while still in some weird level of conciousness, thinking I had gone blind. Something about this mirrored the experience of the bad trip. I think it may have also intensified my continual experience of DP. More recently- as in two days ago- after getting really stoned, and really drunk, as a response to an immense amount of repressed stress (my stress is always so repressed I have to sit there and analyze myself to realize I have it) I woke up with such an intense terror I literally jolted out of bed (after having only slept like 5 hours) and now I have created some ridiculuous fear of going to sleep. Last night (more precisely, this morning) I called my freind in almost hysterical tears (and I have never called anyone while crying before. ever) because I was so terrified of being alone with my mind. I then woke up my poor roommate at about 3 am, by this point hyperventalating, and tried to fall asleep in her bed so I wouldn't have to be alone. I think I got two hours of sleep. Maybe. Everytime I would get close to sleep I would get tangled in that sub-level of consciousness and jolt myself awake, lest I 'lose my mind entirely. and permenantly'.
> Its pretty bad right now. I need sleep, lack of sleep makes everything so incredibly worse. I only just discovered this site yesturday but already it has been an amazing resource for me. I was begining to think I was forgetting what it is like to be 'myself'- which, of course, the more I thought about, the more it become increasingly like the 'insanity' of 'losing my mind'. Amoung other attempted distractions I tried to start reading my journal to try and remember, to try and 'bring me back'. It helped a little but almost my entire journal is full of obbsessive introspective ranting about the "Other" in my head that doesn't exist- (anyone here ever studied psychoanalysis?). So I started telling myself I need to define myself in ways other than being insanely introspective (whih I happen to be extremely and terrifyingly good at, and have been since about the age of 10. I'm currently 20). Anyways, my current plan of action is to get some sleeping pills (only a few- I cannot afford another sleepless night) and find an old therapist I started going to last year. And to write my papers and stop thinking I need to drop out of school. Usually I protest to the idea that our mental experiences are mostly caused by chemical reactions, but damn is it good to know there is some kind of chemical imbalance involved here. I have a very good rational justification going on here where it is not so much that I am 'going crazy' but that I have gained such a level of self-awareness I have shattered the illusion we need to be in to believe we have a self. Which probably is true, narcissistic as it sounds. But there is also the sense of being fogged over by something entirely foreign- and this is, I believe, the cause of the unbearable disassociation.
> I would really like to talk with someone who has experienced this. In person I mean. I feel like that is something I have needed for a long time. But for some reason that in itself seems terrifying.
> Anyways, practical question to anyone who knows more about this thing- do sleeping pills sound like a bad idea?


----------



## candidacatalino

Hi mpinkm: As for the sleeping pills, I would be careful. If you are not on any other medication, it would be alright. But, I am on zoloft (have been for about 15 years) and it helps me alot, and I sleep really well. One time I took my zoloft with a sleeping pill and I hallucinated. I would suggest seeing a doctor or your therapist to see what medication might work for you. Oh yeah, and cut out the weed. It only makes the condition worse, plus adds feelings of paronoia.I am speaking from experience. I am a 54 year old who has had this condition for about 35 years.

If this is the condition that you have, hang in there. You learn as life goes on what makes it worse and better. The journal is a good idea. Also, I strongly recommend seeing a therapist and try to get some medication that will help you. I don't know what I would do without zoloft. It is the only medicine that has truly helped me. When I go off of it, I get nuts.Also, stay in school.


----------



## candidacatalino

candidacatalino said:


> Hi mpinkm: As for the sleeping pills, I would be careful. If you are not on any other medication, it would be alright. But, I am on zoloft (have been for about 15 years) and it helps me alot, and I sleep really well. One time I took my zoloft with a sleeping pill and I hallucinated. I would suggest seeing a doctor or your therapist to see what medication might work for you. Oh yeah, and cut out the weed. It only makes the condition worse, plus adds feelings of paronoia.I am speaking from experience. I am a 54 year old who has had this condition for about 35 years.
> 
> If this is the condition that you have, hang in there. You learn as life goes on what makes it worse and better. The journal is a good idea. Also, I strongly recommend seeing a therapist and try to get some medication that will help you. I don't know what I would do without zoloft. It is the only medicine that has truly helped me. When I go off of it, I get nuts.Also, stay in school.


For all others: My dp is like Borisus' dp. I feel an inch outside of myself. The walls and the floor are moving and It is not me who is typing this.. it is someone else. Like, I am in a movie. I like to be alone but I really try hard to be around people because it makes me feel better. I have given up on psychiatrists and therapists. They just give you a bunch of medication that never works. I also have serious depression and one day I went to my family physician to get prozac. She gave me samples of zoloft and I have been on it for years now. Helps me to sleep and get a grip on things. Sometimes puts my head back on my shoulders, so to speak. DP and DR is wierd. I always pray that it will go away but it doesn't. So, I live with it and enjoy anytime I have where I can forget about it and just try to live a normal life. hang in there everyone


----------



## Mpiirnak

candidacatalino said:


> Hi mpinkm: As for the sleeping pills, I would be careful. If you are not on any other medication, it would be alright. But, I am on zoloft (have been for about 15 years) and it helps me alot, and I sleep really well. One time I took my zoloft with a sleeping pill and I hallucinated. I would suggest seeing a doctor or your therapist to see what medication might work for you. Oh yeah, and cut out the weed. It only makes the condition worse, plus adds feelings of paronoia.I am speaking from experience. I am a 54 year old who has had this condition for about 35 years.
> 
> If this is the condition that you have, hang in there. You learn as life goes on what makes it worse and better. The journal is a good idea. Also, I strongly recommend seeing a therapist and try to get some medication that will help you. I don't know what I would do without zoloft. It is the only medicine that has truly helped me. When I go off of it, I get nuts.Also, stay in school.


Thanks for the advice- I did go to a doctor and she put me on lorazapam to deal with the anxiety, (instead of a sleeping pill, which I think was a really smart move) It has been working really well, but I definitely don't want to get addicted on it. I'm feeling much better already. I mean, I think the lorazapam is still in my system lol but its like as I'm calming my brain out of 'freak out' mode and I stop trying to 'bring me back' I am not so terrified of, for example, being in a room alone. In one sense I can see how I've been predisposed to this my entire life...in the other sense this new fear of being alone contradicts everything I've ever been. I've always loved to be alone. To be in my own thoughts- scary as they could be sometimes they never overtook me like they do now. I'm an aspiring writer and my greatest attribute has always been deep thought. Deep, deep thought. Now I'm trying as hard as I can to stay on the surface. To be 'normal' again. Which doesn't sadden me- except now I can't tell what my real reaction is and how much this drug is calming the effects of everything.


----------



## Mpiirnak

mpinkm said:


> Thanks for the advice- I did go to a doctor and she put me on lorazapam to deal with the anxiety, (instead of a sleeping pill, which I think was a really smart move) It has been working really well, but I definitely don't want to get addicted on it. I'm feeling much better already. I mean, I think the lorazapam is still in my system lol but its like as I'm calming my brain out of 'freak out' mode and I stop trying to 'bring me back' I am not so terrified of, for example, being in a room alone. In one sense I can see how I've been predisposed to this my entire life...in the other sense this new fear of being alone contradicts everything I've ever been. I've always loved to be alone. To be in my own thoughts- scary as they could be sometimes they never overtook me like they do now. I'm an aspiring writer and my greatest attribute has always been deep thought. Deep, deep thought. Now I'm trying as hard as I can to stay on the surface. To be 'normal' again. Which doesn't sadden me- except now I can't tell what my real reaction is and how much this drug is calming the effects of everything.


And no worries, I am definitely never smoking pot again. ohh now that defintely saddens me...I really love pot







Maybe years from now, when I get past this (which I've decided I will, and soon), if I'm not smoking alone, and doing something hilarious and joyous...who knows...but anyways, I am definetly selling off my current batch..


----------



## darklighter

Yes. I feel exactly this way. Ever since the dp started, I've had hypergraphia and write constantly in my diary several times a day. I also write some poetry. I call the world I live in the "Ghostly Plane". People here are technicolour ghosts. I tell myself to stop talking to the ghosts because they are not real, but some animalistic part of me still communicates with them. My soul has gone to a strange place.

I used to live in the technicolour TV with all of them. Then suddenly, I found myself alone on the other side of the screen, watching them, watching myself. There's no way out. I know my questions will never be answered.

The view outside my window looks like cardboard. I live a cardboard life. There is no ultimate validation now. I can't take this world for granted anymore. Everything feels strange like I just touched down on Earth yesterday.

But in a way it makes me calm. When Im too embroiled in life, I deliberately induce this DP to space myself out.
And then because it doesn't matter in this ghostly plane anyway, I try to drown in the details of life. Anyway, these memes are devoid of real meaning. Might as well let the animal part of me enjoy them.

I find myself cut into parts. There is the true part (DP part), the animal part, the inner parent, and a few others.

Also, to paraphrase a quote I read in a sci-fi book that helped to bring this on: "Whe you understand that everything that makes your life worthwhile is meaningless, a lie, an illusion, then you can never be enslaved."



Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> 
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


----------



## WANTTOBEBETTER

Levine said:


> But in a way it makes me calm. When Im too embroiled in life, I deliberately induce this DP to space myself out.
> And then because it doesn't matter in this ghostly plane anyway, I try to drown in the details of life. Anyway, these memes are devoid of real meaning. Might as well let the animal part of me enjoy them.


Very introspective. I personally think that I go into this state of mind or "ghostly plane" when I am not happy with my life. Every point I can remember when my DR became unbearable and I instantly went into this state was when I was struggling with real life issues. This is an escape. Is it comfortable? A nice vacation? Hell no! When you are like this does real life bother you as much? Nope.

Tell me Levine, How do you deliberately induce you DP? You can turn this switch on and off?

Thanks,
Greg


----------



## Imagine

To put it bluntly, since what I can only call a relapse, I feel like I'm on a constant dose of Ketamine.


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## HudsonMilbank

For me personally DP is almost as if I am not really a person, I am a hollow shell with no-one inside. I can see myself do things but I have no control over it, I am running off of instinct. Like I am watching myself from the outside. Nothing effects me on an emotional level and the world is bitter and disappointing. It is as if everything is in shades of grey, there is no colour. It isn't like depression because that would involve being sad, it is just that I don't care enough to even feel sad. It isn't constant, there are days when it goes away but they are rare and they are the toughest days of my life because then all the feelings just come back all at once and I can't wait to switch off again.


----------



## Megan

I've self diagnosed with DP (It seems what i am feeling matches up with the distinct symptoms of DP)DP for me feels like life is a mirage, like I'm all empty inside. The world around me has no depth or meaning, it's all two dimensional and just feels fake. It feels like my body is stuck on autopilot and my brain and soul are missing, as though i am "not real". The feeling is always here; even when i am asleep i feel like my dreams are off and unusual, because i cannot tell the difference between my dreams and reality.

I have a tough time talking to people because i am over analyzing every single word i say, and every motion i move, no matter how small. I am not aware of my body at times, yet sometimes i am so aware that i don't know how to even walk with out worrying that i look strange to others. I feel absurdly awkward with how to move my hands and my body, they feel like unattached to my mind and soul. It's as though I'm self conscience to the point i don't want to socialize or even go outside. (I wasn't like this at all before DP, which is why i know something's wrong)No one I've talked to is able to understand this at all, they just say that "everyone has a little bit of a hard time around people" or "your just going through ups and downs. Just get happy". But this is so very different. I am not sad- i am emotionLESS. I used to be social, happy and optimistic, but now i cannot feel any emotions at all. I haven't felt excited about anything since the DP started, and since i cannot attach meaning and feelings to people around me, i cannot feel love towards them anymore. I've lost all enthusiasm and when i look at myself in the mirror i don't even know who i am. Like i know that's my face, but it just has no connection to what i used to think of myself, no meaning. It feels like the world around me is a movie and i am stuck watching my body go through the motions of living.

It seems like i don't know how to act, like my personality has left me. I am worried that I'm not the same, quick witted person i was before DP and am constantly trying to pretend i am okay, even though it is impossible to do so. What's worse is that people do not see or believe that anything is physically wrong so it makes me feel even crazier that no one understands. This is the craziest feeling, or lack of feeling, that i have ever felt. It feels like I'm dead, or might be better off that way. It's really unsettling especially having to deal with all of this in the midst of all the social situations that high school presents. Even after this explanation, it does not do DP justice.


----------



## Mario

Megan said:


> I've self diagnosed with DP (It seems what i am feeling matches up with the distinct symptoms of DP)DP for me feels like life is a mirage, like I'm all empty inside. The world around me has no depth or meaning, it's all two dimensional and just feels fake. It feels like my body is stuck on autopilot and my brain and soul are missing, as though i am "not real". The feeling is always here; even when i am asleep i feel like my dreams are off and unusual, because i cannot tell the difference between my dreams and reality.
> 
> I have a tough time talking to people because i am over analyzing every single word i say, and every motion i move, no matter how small. I am not aware of my body at times, yet sometimes i am so aware that i don't know how to even walk with out worrying that i look strange to others. I feel absurdly awkward with how to move my hands and my body, they feel like unattached to my mind and soul. It's as though I'm self conscience to the point i don't want to socialize or even go outside. (I wasn't like this at all before DP, which is why i know something's wrong)No one I've talked to is able to understand this at all, they just say that "everyone has a little bit of a hard time around people" or "your just going through ups and downs. Just get happy". But this is so very different. I am not sad- i am emotionLESS. I used to be social, happy and optimistic, but now i cannot feel any emotions at all. I haven't felt excited about anything since the DP started, and since i cannot attach meaning and feelings to people around me, i cannot feel love towards them anymore. I've lost all enthusiasm and when i look at myself in the mirror i don't even know who i am. Like i know that's my face, but it just has no connection to what i used to think of myself, no meaning. It feels like the world around me is a movie and i am stuck watching my body go through the motions of living.
> 
> It seems like i don't know how to act, like my personality has left me. I am worried that I'm not the same, quick witted person i was before DP and am constantly trying to pretend i am okay, even though it is impossible to do so. What's worse is that people do not see or believe that anything is physically wrong so it makes me feel even crazier that no one understands. This is the craziest feeling, or lack of feeling, that i have ever felt. It feels like I'm dead, or might be better off that way. It's really unsettling especially having to deal with all of this in the midst of all the social situations that high school presents. Even after this explanation, it does not do DP justice.


Hello Megan
You have diagnosed yourself correctly.
However,DP doesn't have to be a life sentence.One must have always hope that things can get better.

There is a very good post here in the forum by a member who has already recovered.Please read his post as it's about a supllement regimen that has made the poster himself and others recover.It's worth a try.

Please below find the link to the post:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/18746-read-this-if-you-want-to-recover-no-bullshit/page__p__173540__fromsearch__1&#entry173540
by tommygunz - 1st post of the topic

Hope this can be of help

All the best


----------



## Mpiirnak

WANTTOBEBETTER said:


> Very introspective. I personally think that I go into this state of mind or "ghostly plane" when I am not happy with my life. Every point I can remember when my DR became unbearable and I instantly went into this state was when I was struggling with real life issues. This is an escape. Is it comfortable? A nice vacation? Hell no! When you are like this does real life bother you as much? Nope.
> 
> Tell me Levine, How do you deliberately induce you DP? You can turn this switch on and off?
> 
> Thanks,
> Greg


In a way I can deliberately induce it too...but its more like, not stopping myself from being taken over by it,...So long as I am directing my thoughts on concrete/day-day things or onto other people in my life, I 'dont have dp/dr'...that is, its not taking over me because my thoughts are able to engage with the world...But as soon as I let my thoughts drift internally, as soon as I stop forcing them to focus on what is outside of me, i can instantly feel the dp take hold again. Which, during the day, when I'm still interacting with people, is almost empowering- I don't care what people think of me, I don't really care about anything, and numbness is fine with me until it gets to the point where its annhiliating emptiness....Its only at night, which is when I inevitably lose control (unless I'm on some anti-anxiety pill) that the dp/dr takes over in a terrifying, suffocating form. In a way I wish I could have the mentality I have during the day when i am trying to fall asleep- but really its just a matter of not being with myself. At night, not only is no one else there, but if I am trying to sleep, I am devling further and further into my mind, which continues to freak out at its own god-knows what, 'lack of self', 'lack of reality', I suppose. I used to love being able to delve so deep into my mind...sometimes the thought that I could be anywhere in sleep was exhilirating. But sleep has become more real, too real....I think my line between sleep and awake starts to distintegrate when my dp/dr really starts to take hold. Soo, I meant to start this post as an answer to whether or not I can 'induce' dp/dr, and whether or not I want to. I have no idea. I guess if I could control it, so that I wasn't completely overtaken by it and scared of losing the world...it does allow for some incredible ability to let go of things I probably don't need to be holding onto.


----------



## raijuu234

well it sucks. it's sorta empty. like everything is moving around you, and you don't feel a damned thing. whenever i get to hyped up on anxiety, my brain just shuts off. i'll bring myself back into the moment, only to not remeber a damned thing i said or did. it really sucks especially when im doing therapy. i can never remember what we tallked about.

even when i'm with my friends it goes off. i end up blankly doing things and saying stupid perverse things and i make them laugh. with my parents too, but almost worse. i can't feel or understand why they love me, and when i say 'i love you' i dunno if i mean it.

DP/DR makes everything feel fake and useless. the only way for'em to get out of it is to force intense emotion, or put ice on my back (ICE FTW). i feed my anger, my sadness, pain etc and make it so that it's unbearable. just so i can feel something. the intensity isn't just emotional. tension oozes down my neck into my back, into my upper arms, then to my legs, and then reaches my forearms. i get the urge to scream and run through a window, to slam my teachers with a chair, or to bang my head against the wall so hard that it cracks and bleeds. sometimes i'm able to get rid of it by putting cold water on my neck, or by moving with the tension and twitching, or by barking.
Whe it gets to intense i do deep breathing, and a cold sensation goes down from the top of my forehaed down my face. it also goes down my neck and to my back. it's frigid but it's so nice~!

*cough* anywho, i have depression and anxiety problems, I am on Lexapro (20 mg), and I am doing CBT. CBT has helped lessen the depression, but anxiety hasn't been helped so much....i was on prozac for half a year before it stopped working for me... then i started lexapro and it hasn't done a damned thing and i've been on it for 4 or 3 months.

Halp?


----------



## DigestedRainbow

I don't recognize my life anymore. 
It's like someone else has taken over it and changed everything while i wasn't looking. 
I don't know who I am anymore.


----------



## curseofconstantsight

DigestedRainbow said:


> I don't recognize my life anymore.
> It's like someone else has taken over it and changed everything while i wasn't looking.
> I don't know who I am anymore.


I hear ya on the identity issue...

For me it's more like Rip Van Wimkle syndrome mixed in with the "extras" or bit players in my life are constantly changing the rules of social engagement... chess with the hypnotists I call it...

It's like an episode of Punk'd that keeps recycling... or as Krusty the Klown said in a Simpsons episode... "...Clown things keep happening to clowns..."


----------



## jeffweid

It's as many other's have probably already stated. I feel lifeless, like I'm in a dream. I almost never leave this state of mind anymore. And as soon as I realize I'm "normal" again, I go right back into this state of mind. I thought I was the only who felt like this and was afraid to mention it to anyone because I didn't want my friends or family to look at me differently. While in this state of mind, I think how is this really me, and do I exist. I feel like I'm in another dimension within the same world. I wonder a lot about life itself and it's meaning. I often times will put myself into a dangerous situation so that I feel alive. Example would be driving too fast in poor conditions on backroads. What scares me most about this is I wonder if I'll ever leave this state of mind, or will I be stuck like this forever. I would never even consider committing suicide but I feel as I'm already dead sometimes so what would be the difference. I feel most "normal" when I'm in sleep because the dreams I have feel like it's me again. I'm holding onto what faith I have to get me through this. I know I can't continue on like this much longer because minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days. It's getting difficult to sit at my desk job and stay focused. There are times where everything just goes quiet and it's like I'm the only one there and everyone else is just an image and nothing more. I'm just glad I'm not alone like I once thought I was.


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## fishes

There is one word that encompasses everything i feel. Nothing.
Nothing is real and nothing is fake. No one is alive and no one is dead.
i wish i could help all of you. i wish i could help myself. But the ugly truth is that what we all truely feel, to our core there is nothing. And maybe it is different for you. ive got my up and down days but when you truely look at it, they are not days at all. and i fake love and i fake hate and so i am completely hollow. and when youve lost your capacity to feel, are you truely human?
my mind is blank more than not. and when i do think, its more of thinking about thinking thoughts.
my mind is piloting my body from a million miles away. but i dont exist inside my mind. i am nowhere. i am nothing.
and when i take a step back and realize that, there is an emptiness inside so great that it is unexplainable. how can the nothing hold pain? i figure it is the illusion of pain. or i dont figure anything at all.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. it has become an obsession. nothing is actually a something. but how can nothing be a something if it is nothing? These are the conflicting thoughts inside my...mind...soul? i dont know where these thoughts come from, only that they are there. or atleast as there as the rest of the world- which is not much.
i want to feel again. i want to cry again. to love to hate to actually live before i die. because right now this is dead. right now there is nothing.
i sit here and stare at words, about as close to a zombie as you can get without the brain eating.
and i wonder if thats what i'll eventually become.
a mindless monster that eats brains in the hopes of being human again. in the hopes of feeling something other than nothing.
so maybe someone out there understands me? maybe im not the only one in hell.
but actually this is not hell. this is NOTHING.
and i would gladly take hell over this.


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## Rasmus

Hello. I've been having DR/DP for a couple of years, and my life's been a bloody mess since that. I don't socialize much. I don't know my own feelings - or rather don't "have" my own feelings.. sounds weird.
I've been isolated at home, afraid to go out. People scare me. I'm afraid they might ask me things I don't know, or just wanna shake hands. I don't like most people; they're low-IQ'd imbeciles spewing religious crap. 
I quit my education, quit my job, broke up my with girlfriend. Don't even talk to most family members anymore.
Now I just sit at home, whining about shit instead of doing anything about it.. and even if I wanted to do anything about it, my body/brain would prevent it by trembling, weaking muscles, headaches, upset stomach, light-headed.
Also I'm quite addicted to playing video games on my computer. It sorta takes the edge of DR/DP if I force my full attention span towards some sort of game or project.
Other than that, it's just a rambling on about DR/DP symptoms and pendling between all sorts of doctors even though they can't figure out what's wrong.


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## A_Logical_Thinker

It's like being in auto pilot ALL-DAY. I'm stuck in a dream, that's the best way I can put it. I keep trying to get rid of this "condition", or whatever the hell it is, but alas it is too no avail. I think I could get rid of it if I confronted and came to terms with the horrors I went through growing up, but it's too painful. So this is my escape. The more I think about the past, the more I am lost in this state. Really any number of things will remind me of my past, so it is a self perpetuating cycle. I would like to rid of this as quick as possible for it has already robbed me of part of my youth.


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## grues0me

A_Logical_Thinker said:


> It's like being in auto pilot ALL-DAY. I'm stuck in a dream, that's the best way I can put it. I keep trying to get rid of this "condition", or whatever the hell it is, but alas it is too no avail. I think I could get rid of it if I confronted and came to terms with the horrors I went through growing up, but it's too painful. So this is my escape. The more I think about the past, the more I am lost in this state. Really any number of things will remind me of my past, so it is a self perpetuating cycle. I would like to rid of this as quick as possible for it has already robbed me of part of my youth.


Same with me, its like my mind creates a wall between me and the world to "protect" me. The more i think of my painful past the worse it gets. Its a circle. Because i cant distract myself trapped inside my dull world, thats why i think about my past and pull myself out of the "real world" even more.


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## proodoodaboochoo

i am really glad i am not the only who feels like this.


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## queenbew

Before I knew what dp/dr were, I was convinced I needed glasses or there was something wrong with my eyes because I feel that my body and what I see is not connected somehow. This feeling is teamed with really strong tension-type headaches and make me feel like I can't be trusted to go out or do anything because I will probably walk in to something or collapse from confusion or something. It is the most confusing thing, and it makes me so glad that other people find it difficult to describe. I have tried to explain to my boyfriend and even my doctor and although they are sympathetic it seems so alien to them and impossible for them to imagine. I also find it really bizarre and surprising that I am ever able to do things (such as typing this), as I feel that my cognitive ability is or should be impaired by dp... I always seem to do really well in assignments at university, even though I can barely remember even doing the assignments sometimes! It's annoying because no one seems to realise how hard it all is when outwardly you are achieving good grades and can maintain a smile. I hope we can all someday get rid of this stupid feeling! (I always have to remind myself that it is just a feeling and not something super serious!)


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## codeblue213

I feel like there's no difference between when I am sleeping and when I'm awake. A total fog falls over my mind. I question reality non stop without even wanting to. There's a difference between philosophizing about life and questioning it in an odd way. The odd way is scary. The worst part is that I know these thoughts are wrong. I don't want these odd feelings. I feel my senses are confused, my vision seems weird. It all started slowly with some real feelings still there. Then it was a downward spiral until all my real thoughts of everything that exists were completely gone. Now I'm in a constant void with only memories of the way things used to be.


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## acts17:11b

Well, today is Saturday 3/6/10 and I was just diagnosed with dissociative disorder on this past Thursday. Through research and comparing my symptoms to those in articles, videos, and stories I have no doubt it is more specifically DPD. To be honest, I'm relieved to know there's a name for it, and it also explains ALOT of things looking back over all that I remember in my life. Alot of things make sense for me now that didn't. On the other side of this, on thing is when I'm angry not only do I experience the "out of body" thing, but sometimes my brain blocks somethings that I do when I'm so angry to protect myself. I know it sounds weird, but it's what happens. I'll be in a fit of rage, sad, or happy, and it will kick in. My biggest fear is when I'm angry. It's like I'm doing or saying whatever on the outside, but in my mind, I'm "Don't do that, there's something not right", or something like that. I don't really lose track of time or anything like that. I do however have a diagnosis of adult ADD, but now after the research I've done, I'm wondering it's that or not. I have PTSD as well, and I have no doubt their connected. Thank you for your time.


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## Babble

Hello everyone!

I have not been diagnosed with DPDR. I'm cannot be certain if I have it or not. I don't want to go to therapy. When I was a child I can remember having weird out of body experiances. I also had a sensation that I can feel the ground spinning. When I am in bed late at night I can feel my body start to shrink or become thicker. I have always over analyzed myself in situations and feel uncomfortable in my body. It is a challenge for me to communicate with others because it is easy for me to trip on my own words. I cannot remember what my own face looks like most of the time. My own brother suffers from schizophrenia. Mental illness is rampant in my family.


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## lost....:(

I get most of the symptoms described in here.Plus whene I look at people i loved it's like I have never seen theme before.I look at my hands and they look strange.I cry to God every day for help.I'm scared that I am going to die.All my life i thought something was wrong with me.But I could ignore it.Not any more.Ithink I am going crazy.I feel souless.Please God help us.


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## L1F3

lost....<img src= said:


> I get most of the symptoms described in here.Plus whene I look at people i loved it's like I have never seen theme before.I look at my hands and they look strange.I cry to God every day for help.I'm scared that I am going to die.All my life i thought something was wrong with me.But I could ignore it.Not any more.Ithink I am going crazy.I feel souless.Please God help us.


I know how you feel but don't worry







we'll all get out of this even if it seems unreal we just gotta be strong.


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## red.lithium

It feels like I am still asleep
It feels like I am seeing the world with my soul not my eyes
It feels like I am mute. I cant speak - or if I do its meaningless. 
It feels like I cant breathe. or might as well not bother inhaling
It feels like what my body is doing is an auto pilot response.
I cant hear people properly.
my vision is often blurred.
I often get DP after or before a migraine (which will usually last for a few days)
I can remember simple names I have just read if I am not looking at them
I often cant leave the house. 
I sometimes need to self harm to come back to a more real state althought this can have the opposite effect as well. 
It feels like a state of panic. 
I cant process things around me properly
It makes me really impulsive. - maybe because my memory doesnt work properly.
I can induce this state if something bad happens as a coping mechanism. - Most times it happens when I have the time to think about my life.

- I am having an episode right not so this might make no sense.

Apologies if I sound like an absolute fruit loop.


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## swankydank1325

Dp for me is horrible. I feel like I'm not me. I have to look into a mirror/reflection to make sure that I AM me. Then when I look into the mirror, I feel like I'm looking into a window and seeing someone else. It's horrible. I take walks to calm myself down and hope to get back into reality, but I find myself just staring at the trees and it feels like I'm looking at a green screen and then scene might just change like that. When doing things I feel very out of it. It's like a tv in front of my face and I'm just watching my life. I can't retain anything to save my life, which being a college student has caused me to drop a lot of my classes because of bad grades. I keep a daily journal. I write down what I did, how I felt, from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. It kind of helps and keeps me in track because if I forget something I can just go back and read it. Another thing I've noticed with this is I have a horrible time constructing my thoughts into words, sometimes I feel like I have no thoughts. I'll try to think of something and my mind is just completely blank. I was put on celexa last week because I had been having panic attacks non-stop (kept thinking people weren't real because of the dream like state; it was weird) and I'm hoping the medicine will take away the DP. I'm going to start counseling as well. I just want to have myself back, not that I can really remember what myself is. It has gotten to the point where I don't know what normal feels like.


----------



## Ziggy

Hello everyone,

I am new to this site and actually new to a Forum group in general. I am not quite sure how these forum groups work so I figured I would just jump in and give it a try. 
I have been seing a psychotherapist for quite some time for many issues that I have in my life. I have always realized that I have had something wrong with me but I never really opened up to a therapist completely when it came to the feeling of not having control over myself. I am glad that at least we have come with the name of what I am feeling so I can do more research and talk to other people that experience this. I feel like I am the only person on this earth that feels the way that I do!

DP for me is pretty consistant. It is so difficult to discribe these feelings. I feel like when I am talking it isn't me doing the talking. When I move my body parts it isn't me (or my brain) tellin g me to move these body parts. As I am typing this it doesn't even feel like my fingers doing the typing! I hate this feeling!!! I feel so disconnected from my body. I feel like it will never change and I will always feel this way.

Does anyone else have similar symptoms of DP?????


----------



## Ziggy

lifes_edge said:


> in a flash, i was gone
> 
> the detachment , it had dawned
> 
> my mind and body seperated
> 
> the world and me are unrelated
> 
> constant scare, and wonderment
> 
> hidden deep inside, i went
> 
> standing by myself, i see
> 
> largely, whats been forming me
> 
> fear and doubt have played a part
> 
> pushing my life back to start
> 
> obsessions, wonders, self abuse
> 
> hold me down and hold no use
> 
> get me off of this death row
> 
> before i forget all i know
> 
> where is hope ,and god ,and life
> 
> when all you feel inside is strife
> 
> in hopes someone will relate, and be relieved that they may feel the same
> 
> we arent alone. were still alive. we are strong.
> 
> god bless


I just joined this site yesterday and I am so relieved to see that I am not alone in these God awful feelings. What you wrote is exactly how I feel. So disconnected with myself it's really scary. I have been experiencing this for years and thought that I was crazy. I have been seing a therapist and he was the one who labeled it for me. I decided to do some research to see if there was anyone else feeling this. I'm so glad that I stumbled upon this site. Thanks for posting that poem.


----------



## TravisR

well i feel like im living my life and that it has no purpose, that everything and everyone is planning something or that they arent real. when im alone i blank out and ask myself "who am i, why do i look like this, why do i feel like this?" i am sad all the time for no reason, i over think every single little thing, i think everyone is mad at me, i feel like the universe is closing in on me and that im gunna die, i feel like im meaningless and that there is really no meaning of life.

my feelings of all these things go up and down all the time like a yo-yo.


----------



## TravisR

Ziggy said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am new to this site and actually new to a Forum group in general. I am not quite sure how these forum groups work so I figured I would just jump in and give it a try.
> I have been seing a psychotherapist for quite some time for many issues that I have in my life. I have always realized that I have had something wrong with me but I never really opened up to a therapist completely when it came to the feeling of not having control over myself. I am glad that at least we have come with the name of what I am feeling so I can do more research and talk to other people that experience this. I feel like I am the only person on this earth that feels the way that I do!
> 
> DP for me is pretty consistant. It is so difficult to discribe these feelings. I feel like when I am talking it isn't me doing the talking. When I move my body parts it isn't me (or my brain) tellin g me to move these body parts. As I am typing this it doesn't even feel like my fingers doing the typing! I hate this feeling!!! I feel so disconnected from my body. I feel like it will never change and I will always feel this way.
> 
> Does anyone else have similar symptoms of DP?????


exactly how i feel man, we are on the same boat!


----------



## Ziggy

TravisR said:


> exactly how i feel man, we are on the same boat!


How long have you been feeling these symptoms? You feel completely disconnected from your body as well????


----------



## Telepathic11

I feel that it's not even my place to discuss how Depersonalization feels. I personally don't think I have it, but I know I have Derealization, which is, by definition, the exterior of the two. Like I couldn't imagine myself thinking that I actually wasn't real. I think people who have Depersonalization need to explain it in more detail. Are you saying that you honestly feel that you're not really alive, or do you just feel so mentally perplexed and confused that you feel like your mind is deteriorating. I ask this, because I am concerned. I hate to see people suffer with something that no one really understands. Please take this time to explain Depersonalization as accurately and precisely as you can. I know it's not easy to do, but the first step to any type of healing is expressing yourself. If you don't get what's rooted in the dark out in the light, it will indeed remain there.

Let me take a shot in the dark at what Depersonalization feels like... because I think I may have it, it's just I'm not sure if this description fits it. So I'm speaking my feelings right now; does it feel like you're suffocating inside your human body, like you don't have complete and absolute control over your thoughts and actions, and that it feels like your mind is constantly foggy as if your mind has been hypnotically tranced or put under some kind of spell of confusion. This is my attempt at explaining it, because this is how my mind feels practically every day. Does it feel like you are not connect with reality the way you would like to; for instance, you may want to communicate with someone, but can't, or if someone is talking to you, your ability to recept or retain the information goes out the window? Do you feel totally and absolutely disconnected, as if you don't even belong in your own body? If I could take everyones DP unto myself so that all of you were free from it, I would. I just wish I could help!


----------



## lexishea28

Wendy said:


> Feeling like Im on another planet and that Im the only one feeling that.
> 
> Feeling Im outside of this life, seeing people do their stuff, and me is an outsider looking at it, without feeling I take part in it (but realizing at the same time I do, which is very freaky, wanting desperately to go to the 'other side', but realizing it is not possible).
> 
> Feeling like Me is gone and the me who is there is not the real me, like someone else is looking through my eyes at the world, without me being in it.
> 
> Detached, shut off from myself.
> 
> Feeling very distant from everything happening.
> 
> Afraid that I may wake up in another reality from this one, in a whole different place from the place where I am at that moment.
> 
> In sum I guess you could say I feel totally estranged from me and my surroundings, although to others I look normal.
> 
> Feeling Im (going) crazy.
> 
> Feeling isolated which enhances when I try to explain how I feel to others and they dont get it, makes this feeling isolated/crazy even worse.
> 
> Feeling not understood by others.
> 
> Feeling I need to control my mind to not drift off into too much analysis/thoughts of my state of being, which enhances my anxiety if I do.
> 
> Being afraid there is another reality besides mine (another dimension?)
> 
> that I dont see but others do.
> 
> When having been some where or done something, then later it feels unreal I did that or was at a particular place.
> 
> Processing past events is almost impossible. I can bring things back, but I feel I wasnt in those events, that it was not me.
> 
> Memory is a problem, I have to do lots of thinking in order to recall past events. Memories are fragmented and not linear, all jumbled.
> 
> And still in all of this, I wonder if I have DP/DR for real.
> 
> I ask myself this question daily, its become an obsession.
> 
> Afraid that I made it all up or that there is something else going on, which is not Dp/Dr.
> 
> These are all feelings I encounter daily.
> 
> Good post Sc.


yess! i feel exactly like this too. like to a T. especially the whole...doing something and then thinking back on it and its like- was that even me?
it suuuucks hardcore. but you're defintely not alone.


----------



## Ziggy

lexishea28 said:


> yess! i feel exactly like this too. like to a T. especially the whole...doing something and then thinking back on it and its like- was that even me?
> it suuuucks hardcore. but you're defintely not alone.


I feel the same way.... Some days are much worse than others but it is a constant feeling. It is such a horrible feeling.


----------



## Joe

Ziggy said:


> DP for me is pretty consistant. It is so difficult to discribe these feelings. I feel like when I am talking it isn't me doing the talking. When I move my body parts it isn't me (or my brain) tellin g me to move these body parts. As I am typing this it doesn't even feel like my fingers doing the typing! I hate this feeling!!! I feel so disconnected from my body. I feel like it will never change and I will always feel this way.
> 
> Does anyone else have similar symptoms of DP?????


This is exactly how I feel all the time. I hear myself talking, saying the things I would say, but I feel like I have no conscious involvement in the process whatsoever. I feel like a completely passive observer, sitting inside my head, completely cut off from my body, my actions and everyone else around me. I'll walk along a street and feel like I'm not involved in the process in the slightest. I've had this for at least 10 years and today is the first time I discovered what it was. I've laboured under the misapprehension that it was due to lack of sleep.

This is awful. I can't bear feeling like this. I don't have any unusual anxiety feelings, that I'm aware of. I'm socially active, I have hobbies, I interact with people. But I'm constantly exhausted and constantly feel like a completely numb observer trapped inside an automaton.

I just don't want to live like this anymore. It just isn't worth it.

And I can't seem to find anything on this site that indicates that there are decent methods of dealing with it..

Should I speak to a doctor, or find some CBT therapist? What are good first steps for people to take?


----------



## Ziggy

Joe said:


> This is exactly how I feel all the time. I hear myself talking, saying the things I would say, but I feel like I have no conscious involvement in the process whatsoever. I feel like a completely passive observer, sitting inside my head, completely cut off from my body, my actions and everyone else around me. I'll walk along a street and feel like I'm not involved in the process in the slightest. I've had this for at least 10 years and today is the first time I discovered what it was. I've laboured under the misapprehension that it was due to lack of sleep.
> 
> This is awful. I can't bear feeling like this. I don't have any unusual anxiety feelings, that I'm aware of. I'm socially active, I have hobbies, I interact with people. But I'm constantly exhausted and constantly feel like a completely numb observer trapped inside an automaton.
> 
> I just don't want to live like this anymore. It just isn't worth it.
> 
> And I can't seem to find anything on this site that indicates that there are decent methods of dealing with it..
> 
> Should I speak to a doctor, or find some CBT therapist? What are good first steps for people to take?


I recently found out the name the name too which now causes me to be MUCH more aware of when this is happening to me. It is pretty much all the time but some times I feel it much worse. I feel exactly like you describe as well... It is such a horrible feeling and it feels like NO ONE else in this world can understand what it feels like. It feels like if you try to describe it to someone they will think that you are crazy. I am SO thankful that I found this website to realize that there are other people that have this as well and that I am NOT crazy.

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now and supposedly Cognative therapy is supposed to help. I would definitely suggest going to talk to someone. I have not tried anything else but there is a book that someone suggested that I have ordered and I am waiting to recieve it in June when it comes out. I feel very desparate for suggestions as well......


----------



## Variable Pitch

Like you can't see or feel or touch the rythmns of the lives around you, including your own. Like life is a lesson in passivity, watching time roll by you and the only thing your capable of doing is adding a commentary to it for your own dry amusement/dull horror. Like drifting in and out of various states of numbness, both mental and physical. But do you want to know the most insideous part of what DP is like? If you live with it long enough, carry it with you for enough years, it starts to grow on you. Hell, maybe you even welcome the feelings of the flooding numbness sometimes, the dispassionate quiet inward thoughts, get a small satisfaction with the cold objectivity with which you can look at your surroundings.. Start to define your reality around it because you can't remember living any other way. Its familiar feelings in a world where precious little else around and about you feels familiar. Start to think that this is who you are, this is the way the rest of your life will be, the way it always has been and not sure you would change it even if you could. Thats what its like with me anyways, and I see most of these post have at least the "detatched soul" part of it in common. Your mileage may vary.


----------



## Amado728

For me... like nothing is real. Like I'm in another life. I question everything and freak out about stupid thoughts that normal human beings don't even think of. Why I think of them I don't know, but it is very hard to stop.


----------



## Illeatyouupiloveyouso

l


----------



## ZachT

Reading all the replies on this post shows you that every ones case of DP is really different when compared to each other.
Some people are able to cope with it and do every day stuff, therefore, some people don't leave home.


----------



## candidacatalino

Ziggy said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am new to this site and actually new to a Forum group in general. I am not quite sure how these forum groups work so I figured I would just jump in and give it a try.
> I have been seing a psychotherapist for quite some time for many issues that I have in my life. I have always realized that I have had something wrong with me but I never really opened up to a therapist completely when it came to the feeling of not having control over myself. I am glad that at least we have come with the name of what I am feeling so I can do more research and talk to other people that experience this. I feel like I am the only person on this earth that feels the way that I do!
> 
> DP for me is pretty consistant. It is so difficult to discribe these feelings. I feel like when I am talking it isn't me doing the talking. When I move my body parts it isn't me (or my brain) tellin g me to move these body parts. As I am typing this it doesn't even feel like my fingers doing the typing! I hate this feeling!!! I feel so disconnected from my body. I feel like it will never change and I will always feel this way.
> 
> Does anyone else have similar symptoms of DP?????


----------



## candidacatalino

Yes, I always have this feeling of being detached from myself and feeling "unreal". It's awful but I have managed to deal with it over the years... Just try to be normal like everyone else. You have described dp perfectly, and by the way, I just moved to Nashville from Lemon Grove, CA. At least you have sunshine everyday. I miss that.


----------



## advncpt

It's only been around 20 minutes since I first read what my condition may be and that others do indeed suffer from it. For me I can remember the first time I realised that there was some something not quite right going on within my brain, which was when I was 15 walking out of a Geography lesson knowing that nothing said over the last hour had touched my mind because me as a person was so far removed from everything going meant that it was not worth concentrating on. At the age of 33 it is not even worth trying to concentrate on the conversations I am involved in, or the work I am doing because it's not possible even if I were able to take an interest. I view life from somewhere far in the distance through a thick veil which allows my body to get through on an automatic pilot setting which I am now unable to turn off. Without it I think I would just sit in one place and not be able to move again.

After such a prolonged period of time I agree with somebody else, that it is now totally a safety blanket that I don't know if I could cope without. If this veil were to be drawn back I would be exposed to the people to whom I have interacted for years for the first time and that would be a frightening prospect. But the only reason for life to continue is that it may one day lift and I could actually hear the sounds and see the colours of life.

For me I would say DP/DR must feel like the final seconds of an incredibly elderly person's life. No longer able to see or hear properly, the mind numb and empty through too many hears of thought. As life is ebbing away everything around is growing distant and pointless, no longer worth attention.

I suppose that all sounds melodramatic, but writing it down has made me actually try to identify what is wrong and how I actually feel. Any suggestions on the next thing to do would be welcome.


----------



## candidacatalino

advncpt said:


> It's only been around 20 minutes since I first read what my condition may be and that others do indeed suffer from it. For me I can remember the first time I realised that there was some something not quite right going on within my brain, which was when I was 15 walking out of a Geography lesson knowing that nothing said over the last hour had touched my mind because me as a person was so far removed from everything going meant that it was not worth concentrating on. At the age of 33 it is not even worth trying to concentrate on the conversations I am involved in, or the work I am doing because it's not possible even if I were able to take an interest. I view life from somewhere far in the distance through a thick veil which allows my body to get through on an automatic pilot setting which I am now unable to turn off. Without it I think I would just sit in one place and not be able to move again.
> 
> After such a prolonged period of time I agree with somebody else, that it is now totally a safety blanket that I don't know if I could cope without. If this veil were to be drawn back I would be exposed to the people to whom I have interacted for years for the first time and that would be a frightening prospect. But the only reason for life to continue is that it may one day lift and I could actually hear the sounds and see the colours of life.
> 
> For me I would say DP/DR must feel like the final seconds of an incredibly elderly person's life. No longer able to see or hear properly, the mind numb and empty through too many hears of thought. As life is ebbing away everything around is growing distant and pointless, no longer worth attention.
> 
> I suppose that all sounds melodramatic, but writing it down has made me actually try to identify what is wrong and how I actually feel. Any suggestions on the next thing to do would be welcome.


----------



## candidacatalino

It's kinda hard to say what to do next. I saw alot of psychiatrists but they didnt help. I did find a medication that helped me . So, I would suggest trying to get into some type of treatment or see a therapist for talking and to get medication.


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## DiscoStick

It's like I died in a sane place and got resurrected in a place which doesn't quite fit together as well as reality would


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## ZachT

candidacatalino said:


> It's kinda hard to say what to do next. I saw alot of psychiatrists but they didnt help. I did find a medication that helped me . So, I would suggest trying to get into some type of treatment or see a therapist for talking and to get medication.


I agree. I am just finally seeking the right treatment.


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## candidacatalino

Theone2 said:


> I agree. I am just finally seeking the right treatment.


----------



## candidacatalino

Good for you. What type of treatment did you decide on? Any medication? I can't remember if I told you that I take zoloft and abilify.


----------



## candidacatalino

grant_r said:


> My best description is still "not existing" and my view too far behind my eyes, as if I'm watching someone else do these things in a remote location. It's too difficult to put into words.


----------



## candidacatalino

that is it, exactly! I feel like I am in a movie or something. Someone or something is controlling me. My mind spins, like I am somewhere else, not here at the moment. I still do stuff with friends, have hobbies, and I exercise alot, which helps. I just try real hard to fit in with people.


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## match_stick_1

Its moving around like a robot and seeing everything around me like from behind a window or something. I often forget im a person and alive and i get so freaked out when i see my reflection or hear myself speak. I often think its someone else. I feel very light and dont feel much at all. I dont cry and i can put up with alot of pain. Im numb and a ghost.


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## Guest

match_stick_1 said:


> Its moving around like a robot and seeing everything around me like from behind a window or something. I often forget im a person and alive and i get so freaked out when i see my reflection or hear myself speak. I often think its someone else. I feel very light and dont feel much at all. I dont cry and i can put up with alot of pain. Im numb and a ghost.


your life sucks


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## match_stick_1

yeah but in a way you get used to it.


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## kaitlyn_b

a dream 24/7. Nothing seems real and my environment is creepy and weird. I cant emotionally connect to anything. Im on abilify but its making me want to bash someones face in the more he ups my dose


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## AllisonSometimes

I feel like everything is a dream. Like I am the only real thing. I constantly analyze and question things which drives me nuts. Some days are better than others and I usually feel better if I am out doing something but my DP makes me socially isolated so that's hard to do. I feel like crying everyday, I have depression and every once in a while I'll get panic or 'crying' attacks where I can't help but curl up into a ball and cry for a couple of minutes then I stop and get up like it was nothing. I get tired easily and get headaches a lot. DP sucks...


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## ZachT

AllisonSometimes said:


> I feel like everything is a dream. Like I am the only real thing. I constantly analyze and question things which drives me nuts. Some days are better than others and I usually feel better if I am out doing something but my DP makes me socially isolated so that's hard to do. I feel like crying everyday, I have depression and every once in a while I'll get panic or 'crying' attacks where I can't help but curl up into a ball and cry for a couple of minutes then I stop and get up like it was nothing. I get tired easily and get headaches a lot. DP sucks...


I feel the same


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## hoot

I feel like I don't feel, if that makes any sense. The world around me sometimes, to varying degrees, doesn't feel real, like I'm disconnected. I'm not afraid to go out and interact with the world, although I do avoid it. My biggest problem is social interactions, which I seem to sabotage. I somehow generate an awkward vibe, especially when I feel I'm being judged, probably an ego defense mechanism of some sort. Don't know why I do this. Other than that I have some time perception distortions, for example something that happened like five hours ago feels to me like it happened a day or two ago, although I KNOW it happened x hours ago, weird.


----------



## ZachT

hoot said:


> I feel like I don't feel, if that makes any sense. The world around me sometimes, to varying degrees, doesn't feel real, like I'm disconnected. I'm not afraid to go out and interact with the world, although I do avoid it. My biggest problem is social interactions, which I seem to sabotage. I somehow generate an awkward vibe, especially when I feel I'm being judged, probably an ego defense mechanism of some sort. Don't know why I do this. Other than that I have some time perception distortions, for example something that happened like five hours ago feels to me like it happened a day or two ago, although I KNOW it happened x hours ago, weird.


Your not alone dude


----------



## never_giving_up

I have had DP for a year now.

Having DP is an absolute nightmare.

The main thing that affects me is the emotional disconnection / numbing. When I laugh at a joke it never feels good. When I walk around in the countryside I can see that it is beautiful but I do not care. It is as empty as my heart.

I cannot connect with people. When I am speaking to people I have a huge amount of difficulty in focusing on what they are saying. Because I know that no strong sense of anything pleasurable will result from the interaction, I do not really care what they are saying. I am constantly tuning out and missing the information that is being fed to me. I am so frustrated all the time.

My ability to think logically with numbers has been massively impaired. I find it extremely difficult to hold any information in my head for any amount of time and will often have to ask people multiple times over.

I am constantly doubting myself. Because I am so emotionally disconnected I have no way to verify anything in my mind and it all just feels false.

I constantly feel weak. For the longest time I believed I had permanent brain damage. I often feel absolutely hopeless and helpless.

Things have improved though. Before I was unable to interact with people but now I am better at that. I do still associate most interactions with pain but occasionally it turns out all right.

So yeah, main things are:

> Emotional disconnection
> Loss of concentration
> Inability to focus
> Inability to remember information
> Loss of love / care for life / people
> Constant frustration with little signs of improvements causing self-hate / rage


----------



## hellokitty

It's kinda the same feeling...
It came with my anxiety, in December 2008, makes me feel totally empty in my head, dizzy, with headaches, sense of non-real thing, makes me think that i'm getting crazy, nuts, with no one that understands me, with feeling of not understand life and other existencial problems. But one thing I think that was weird is that it seems that it changed my thoughts, I'm just not the same person I used to be. Other thing that puts me down is to realize/remember my condition of a depersonalized person. I know sometimes it can be a hell, but try to keep positives thoughts in mind. Enjoy life, enjoy your family, do things you like, then time will make things better for you. Peace ^_^v.


----------



## PositiveThinking!

Initially, constant dejavus and feeling that something was wrong.

After that, feeling unreal, like I was half-dead, couldn't concentrate, memory really horrible, didn't feel like I was 'in' my body.

Lately, obsessive existential thoughts, unreal feeling, constant panic because of the thoughts, feel like I may die anytime.

PS: I didn't include physical symptoms, pain on every part of the body, intense headaches, also get dizziness sometimes, pressure in the head, etc.


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## WelshMan

university girl said:


> Hehe...sorry i didn't explain this...
> 
> For me, "broken record syndrome" is that I am sick and tired of telling my story (to practitioners etc.). I too suffer from the "EverReady Bunny Syndrome". In addition, I find my thoughts are much louder than they used to be and often consist of me role-playing. By this I mean I hear myself having a conversation with a second party. No worries...this second party is in my own voice and I am in control of it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It's like I am practicing conversations that may come up later. I am often explaining something to someone and then I respond to myself, as if I am that person. Anyone else do this often?
> 
> -university girl


I CONSTANTLY do this. I think people have actually caught me doing it too and thought i was crazy (I did it one while on the toilet in work) Have you found a solution to your problem so far?

WELSHMAN


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## sk8ergurl

Hi people, i´m new here, and at this moment i´m going insane. I feel extreme anxiety through my body and I feel like every little pain in my body is killing me.
I take every feeling serious, and i feel like the world is fake. I mean, It´s like I´m not alive, i´m sitting in my room, and my room is scary, the lights are bright into my eyes,
and the whole world looks like full of fog (sorry for my english) i feel like i can't sense my own reality anymore, it's like i'm living in a dream.
It's a nightmare come true, my legs feel weak, my hands are shaking, have goosebumps (and not from a beauty song, but from anxiety stress) and i feel like my heart is walking a marathon. I wish I could overcome this, But nobody takes me serious.


----------



## Genevieve Delaney

kenc127 said:


> ok, what I mean by maddening is:
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> 
> - excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
> 
> - excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
> 
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
> 
> - anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
> 
> - anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
> 
> - sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
> 
> - sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
> 
> - sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations
> 
> This is what I mean by maddening. Things get so tough that becoming psychotic would be almost a blessing because I wouldn't have to deal with all the anxiety of the above. When my DP isn't bad, it means that some or all of the above are either absent or dissipating. As a word of encouragement, there are more good days than bad days now, whereas 2 months ago, I had 1 good day for every 5 bad ones. Hope this helps.


I can't believe you named everything I feel, too. I didn't know how to put it into words, all if it at least, and I think you helped me A LOT. Please, let's keep in touch?


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## Genevieve Delaney

Wendy said:


> While now rereading my post an hour or so later, I cant believe its me who wrote what I wrote. Its like Im reading something that someone else wrote.
> 
> I have problems connecting it to myself. Im sure thats DP!


 Feeling like this has happened to me before, before I even thought I had DP or even knew DP existed! Now, I know, that's another symptom I forgot to notice.


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## whatthehell

My Dp is like this:

Cant believe I am in a body.
Too aware of how the body is constructed. Bones, tissues, etc...(even though I always have been, its common sense, but its more like a "why is it like this")
Feels like im aware of being aware.....
TONS OF FLOATERS
Eye balls are creepy. 
People seem real enough, but during bad DP, the idea that something is alive is mind boggling.
the earth feels smaller, more round, and the sky seems lower...bio dome. 
Sometimes I have a weird cranial pressure right in the middle of my forhead...feels like someone is pushing on my brain. 
Used to have BAAD anxiety, but no more as of right now. 
Obsessive thoughts about existence.....IE how the earth just sits there...in space....in a galaxy....that just sits there....amongst other galaxies...that just sit there...ehh?
Obsessive thoughts about how it feels to die, which leads me to wonder just what it is thats alive in me, is it me, or is me just my brain.
Random Dread about stupid shit, like the arbitrary nature of time.
And time felt off for a while. Night and day felt way toooooo weird and repetitive for a week.

I think thats sufficient.

I will say that I am getting better though...just the odd existential stuff lingers, and it has gone away before.


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## hellokitty

My DP is 24/7 and becomes worse at night.


----------



## bridget

Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> 
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


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## Olivia




----------



## snow storm

Hi!
I feel I have read enough about this condition to say that this is mainly what I suffer from (sorry if my english is a bit bad, I'm not a native english speaker). As for so many others my condition is the result of eating a marihuana brownie and having a bad trip, it's 3 years ago now. I think lack of sleep, my feeling of social isolation at the time and generally having a hard time with anxiety are factors which may have contributed to the state of mind. The first 2 months after the bad trip I thouht I was going to be psychotic, I was almost sure that was the case. Slowly I got a bit better, and the first year I feel that I gradually was recovering. Sadly, for the last couple of years, I feel that the recovery process has slowed down. Sometimes I feel worse, at times I feel better again. I have hope for the future though, and I must say that Im fortunate not to suffer from more severe dp-symptoms any longer, or to say more seldom, although the mild/moderate-ones can be hard to cope with. I still feel outside my own body, I still feel that Im observing myself when I interact with other people, I still have racing thoughts. But I know what is helpful to me, and what is not. Alcohol, social isolation, lack of routines, repressed emotions are on my "not allowed"-list. I try to express my emotions to other people, cause they are extremely powerful (don't know if this can be part of the condition, feeling like I have to cry all the time), it get's a lot worse when I hold back, but I also have a hard time expressing them, so it's a bit difficult that one. What makes me feel better is being with friends, working out, playing soccer, doing yoga, studying, working, keeping myself busy. I think that in general physical activity can relieve this condition, using your body, feeling that you inhabite your body, yoga, the rosen method, zone therapy, dance therapy, being part of an acting group; I believe that trying to be in the present, being connected can be helpful. I have recently begun psychodynamic therapy sessions, which I hope will help me. My only concern is that the therapist wants to put me on a low dosage of ssri, which I am skeptic about. Im not sure whether I want to try it or not, I think I should read some of the post about medication...Guess that's all for now...so long.


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## KowgurrlKK

I don't really know where to start...
My DP come on the month after I graduated from High School, I was busy working full time, working on several projects for our county fair, worrying about my boyfriend going off to college and me staying home... etc etc etc. I just woke up one morning and BAM, my life had changed. I felt terribly disconnected from reality, and myself. I've noticed that a lot of people who suffer from DP suffer after taking some kind of drug. This was not so in my case, I have never touched a drug in my life besides alcohol. I never worried a day in my life until my father passed away when I was nine years old, and now 16 years later, I still worry everyday about SOMETHING. 
Okay, so that first episode I had, it was impossible for me to work for a couple days, and once I did go back I just really felt like I was nutso. I felt like I was in a bad dream, people didn't seem real, driving didn't seem real (which could have been hazardous) Nothing felt real. After a few days I finally sought medical attention. Because I hadn't seen a doctor in several years for anything severe, I didn't have a doctor other than my pediatrician But I was 18 now, and it was time to find a doctor. So I saw the nurse practitioner my mom had been seeing. She did all kinds of tests to rule out anything major, and finally prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for me (Xanax). After a few days that seemed to help a little for a couple weeks. But then the feeling was back. Next I began Effexor, which helped tremendously. For the last couple of years I have experienced bouts of DP here are there. Sometimes they last a couple of days, sometimes a couple of weeks, and once it lasted for 3 months. Thankfully, I am NOT experiencing DP right now, but just came off a pretty terrible 3 week episode. When I suffer from it, I'm completely frustrated, agitated, and upset. I have a WONDERFUL husband that constantly reassures me I will get better. I'm just afraid that one day, DP will set in, and I will live with it for the rest of my life.
Does anyone else have "bouts" of DP, but don't suffer from it every single day of your self? Like I say, when it sets in I will suffer for several weeks usually, but then it goes away for a good 6 months or so. Anyone relate?

Also, my husband and I would REALLY like to start trying to have a child. Has anyone suffered from DP BEFORE they had any kids, and then it gets tremendously worse once you have a child?
Thank you in advance for your help, I am so incredibly thankful to have finally found this website.


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## ghensiri

' date= said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


i haven't been able to socialize normally for 4 years. It drastically affected my ability to trust people. I tend to gravitate towards guys who take advantage of my need to 'people please'. I feel disconnected all the time. There are moments (that last from a few seconds to 2 minutes) where I feel completely whole and real. But most of the time I am looking around me and I don't have the ability to see clearly. I have become an expert at hiding my disorder and appearing quite normal to my family. I've read that DP is caused from childhood trauma. This is personal, but possibly the fact that my mother has been removed from my life for the past 6 years could have something to do with it. She lives this life and feels no need to contact me, ever. It doesn't hurt anymore. Actually, it hasn't hurt in a long time. Another symptom of my disorder is not feeling anything. I can't feel and I don't care to (most of the time). Maybe it's because most of the change in my life has been for the worst. I just started college and things have been going as okay as they can be with a person like me. I often feel that people look at me and think that I'm rude or just completely out of it. People introduce themselves to me and I respond (as anyone would), but I stop the relationship there. It's like I want to talk, but I just don't. It is hard to explain. Something else I want to find out is if other people suffer from these emotionally painful waves of extremely STRONG disconnection. I will be doing something. Like I was at dinner before prom and things were going okay, and then all of the sudden I just physically felt this wave and I stopped. Everything stopped and it hurt to do anything. For the rest of the night, I was in this isolated state where I couldn't even pretend to enjoy prom. My group asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell them what it was, I couldn't explain it to myself. I get it when I least expect it, I should probably keep a log of it. Anyways it would help if anyone out there could respond if they have similar symptoms as me.


----------



## ghensiri

dalailama15 said:


> One metaphor for one aspect is a transparent, or translucent, barrier between me and the world. I can see through it, and I can remember what life was like on the other side, but I can't penatrate it.
> 
> However, there is some kind of machine, on the other side, which I can also observe, that pretends to be human, that interacts with the world, and that I _can_ in some way communicate with (although not in real time).
> 
> jeeze � how do you answer this question without these kinds of weird metaphors.
> 
> I feel as if I am, at least on the outside, a grotesque parody of a human being.
> 
> (jeeze, that doesn't sound very good)
> 
> Specifically: when I reflect on the day, I don't feel connected with the things I said and did, and usually have a lot of self-hatred because of this.
> 
> When I think about my past, after my childhood, I feel the same way, as if I have lived somebody else's life. And again, massive self contempt for throwing my life (so far) away for no discernable reason.
> 
> I switched from an over-achiever to a chronic underachiever in the space of a few years.
> 
> I have the sense that my life is and has been just _shallow_.
> 
> I have little emotional memory, or even emotional responses _too_ remember, even though my memory of facts is fine
> 
> Although I have some short term confusion, and sometimes I have to concentrate to remember what I did yesterday, or the day before, or even this morning, (which can seem no different from a morning, say, twenty years ago.) I attribute this to the fact that it really doesn't matter _where or when_ I exist since my mind is in the same place, seemingly outside of time, motionless and unchanging, as if. .
> 
> I were in some kind of video game, or VR environment, where the whole world moves around me, creating the illusion of motion while I remain stationary. . . an issue of relativity, and yes, figure and ground.
> 
> I spend much of my waking life, especially when I am alone, creating some internal monologue to some imagined listener, which seems always lucid and frequently elloquent.
> 
> A sense, a belief, actually an observation as real as any I have, that what I call "I" is just a mess of words. Just words.
> 
> and there's more, different analogies, different points of view, etc.
> 
> And what keeps me going is the sense that this barrier, the one in the first sentence, is _not that strong_. It seems, that with the right tool, I should be able to smash it.


i completely understand all these things. especially the memory and inner monologue. this makes me feel less alone.


----------



## carpezytha

I am not sure I have DPD. I have not read anyone's experience which closely resembles mine. Nevertheless, I cannot find out what it is I do have, and this is the closest disorder I have found that relates in some way.

Here is what my disorder is like for me: I feel that "someone" (someone else's self or soul) will inhabit my body and my life while I am asleep, and that when "I" wake up, it will be that other soul who has my life, including my memories, not me. I have a very hard time getting to sleep when I start thinking that "I" will not wake up in my body, or as my self. The curious thing is, I do not have a sense of what will happen to me. Perhaps that is why it is so disturbing.

If anyone has any clue as to what this is or if in fact it relates to DPD, please let me know.

Thanks!


----------



## The Box Girl

Depersonalization for me is like an out of body experience that some patients who almost died in a hospital sometimes reporting happening to them.

I feel detached...like I am fake. Like I never existed at all. I'll look at my hands, my face in the mirror, and it all seems foreign. I often feel like I am watching a movie of my life play before me. There are words coming out of my mouth, words I'm typing, but someone will reference back to what I said, or I will look at what I've written, and don't recall doing that, nor do I recall what I was thinking when I wrote it. It feels like it was someone else talking. 
Sometimes if I listen to people in the other room, it gives me that eerie feeling of being just a ghost. Like this is how life moves without me. I wonder if people can see me. 
Even when I'm happy, or doing something fun, I still feel like I am...floating? Like my head isn't fully there.

It's a nightmare. Because at times I say little comments that I don't remember saying..but multiple people will say I said it. It's a nightmare because I hate feeling unreal while everyone else seems so happy and THERE.


----------



## forest

I was recently diagnosed with DP after years of seeing counselors and being told that nothing is wrong with me.

For me, DP feels like the person who I really am is not the person who is controlling my body. I live in my head and see what he sees and hear what he hears, but most of the time he's got control and I don't. I want to do the dishes and get laundry done and go see a movie with friends, but he wants to sit on the couch and stare at the wall and I'm in my head screaming, "GET UP! YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES! DO SOMETHING! DON'T JUST SIT THERE!" But he never listens to me.

I feel like I'm crazy, but my therapist tells me that if I was then I wouldn't _feel_ crazy, I would just _be_ crazy, and I wouldn't be aware that this was happening. I don't believe her. How can I not be?


----------



## Dragonfly

Forest wrote:

"I feel like I'm crazy, but my therapist tells me that if I was then I wouldn't _feel_ crazy, I would just _be_ crazy, and I wouldn't be aware that this was happening. I don't believe her."

Hi Forest -

I'm new here, and will add my description in another post, but wanted to address your sense of being "crazy". As my psychiatrist once said, it's because you feel you may be crazy, that you are actually *not*. That's the whole "reality testing is intact" part of this illness. If you were crazy, you wouldn't think twice about it, because, to someone who is actually "psychotic", their truth *is* the truth, and everyone else is wrong. That's what is so frightening about this illness, is that you feel like you're losing your mind. So, I would have to agree with your therapist.

Not sure if that's any consolation, but I hope it helps.

~Dragonfly


----------



## Dragonfly

Hello everyone-

I am new here and wanted to add my experience of DP/DR. I do get both, and they can either come on individually, or at the same time. My symptoms are largely physical (visual/auditory).

DP: I feel very detached from myself. My body feels very far away, especially my arms and hands. I have seen it described as having the sense of not quite "filling out" your body - I love that description - it's so true for me. Sometimes I feel like my movements and speech are not my own and I am on sort of an "autopilot". This is especially true if there's something I "have" to do, and somehow I just robot through it. I am very aware of my thoughts and sometimes feel spiritually superior to the rest of the world, in an existential sort of way. I had a therapist (who obviously didn't understand this whole thing) once tell me to "come down from the mountain" - sort of like having the attitude of some sort of guru or something. I become emotionally numb. There have been times in my life where I should be crying, or happy, and I just can't feel it. It can be very frustrating, especially when I try to access my emotions. They're just out of reach. But watch out when the DP breaks - I lose it and become inconsolable.

DR: The derealization is more difficult and disturbing for me. I get the visual barrier feeling between me and the rest of the world. Objects distort, and at its worst, I feel like I'm trapped in a scary house of mirrors. Sometimes I get tunnel vision and everything feels very far away. Sounds and colors fade. When I was in my early teens, I didn't know this had a "name". I used to call them my "grey outs", because everything would fade to grey. Oh, and when this happens, I can just forget about going out in public - shopping or any sort of crowds are just torture and set off the panic. I feel very overstimulated, and then the fact that everything's distorted makes it 100 times worse. When the bad anxiety sets in, I completely shut down, go inside, and have the sense of just existing as pure thought. The whole physical world, including myself, just disappears.

The feelings can last for days.

Has anyone found anything that helps you ground and "come back"? Oddly enough, and this may sound crazy, even to people who understand this, but the color red helps bring me back. I think it may have to do with the trauma that started all of this. I had a bad accident when I was three, and I remember there being a reddish/burgundy towel. Also, my grandmother wore a lot of red, and I went to her for comfort at times. I think when things go to grey, that the color red is actually visible to me, so I focus on it and it helps keep me tethered to the rest of the world.

Anyway, there you go. I'm glad this forum is here and hope to get to know everyone.

~Dragonfly


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## ktlee

dp is hell for me. i hate going to work or going anywhere in general because i feel like im gunna have a panic attack. i get very nervous and jittery over the littlest things. 
my symptoms are 
-depression
-anxiety
- headaches constantly for the last month
-very tied even though i have gotten plenty of sleep
- fear of not being well
- fear i will never get better
-feeling of not being in control of my body
-feeling that im in a dream

this feelings last for days on end. it rarely goes away. can anyone help??? any advice im willing to take.


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## Momma

I`m recovering from ppd with my first child. With support, not feeling ashamed and getting the right medication, I was able to cope very well. Took me about a full month. Didn`t know that what I was feeling was called DP. Its the worst feeling in the world. I was òut of my skin and felt like a zombie. I never thought I would have any of these symptoms..I had a wonderful pregnancy and would skip reading chapters on depression etc. However, having depression run in my side of the family could have something to do with it. Also, I had anxiety to begin with too. However,now I feel stronger ...sweathing the small stuff aint worth it.....I felt robbed for not being able to enjoy my first son for the first few weeks of his life...however, I am much better now and totally in my skin...


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## kate7

how u get over it, what medication did u take


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## Momma

kate7 said:


> how u get over it, what medication did u take


Hi Kate 7,

I took cipralex....started at 10mg/day for 3 months and mid-July went down to 5mg/day. My doctor says I should be on it for a year... I Feel a lot better. Yes, side effects were there such as sweats, dry mouth, not sleeping. Took about 2 weeks for these side effects to subside...but felt a lot better after 1 month.My family was amazing....very supportive...never told me to "snap out of it" but to get help..like I mentioned, depression runs in my family...yes, it sucks but the resources were there to get help/ not feel ashamed and most of all get better. I am all for doing things the natural way but not missing out on my first baby's few months..no thanks.....I wanted to get better really fast..life is too short to feel miserable and have terrible thoughts...besides, just like any disease like diabetes, they take meds...why can't we? It would be nice to have a brain scan to show ppl what mental illness comes from ya know? Just like any other disease....

You know what the funny part is though? I have never done drugs, hardly drink......I'm a individual with graduate degrees in education, I also consider myself a spiritual person. I think, once again,family support, my own will to get better fast with a good doctor, all got me better quick....its definitely a hard road but I will tell you one thing....what matters is your health, your baby;s health and your family's health in life...that will make you happy







So if you're feeling dp or feelings of depression, definitely get help....


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## ktlee

Momma said:


> Hi Kate 7,
> 
> I took cipralex....started at 10mg/day for 3 months and mid-July went down to 5mg/day. My doctor says I should be on it for a year... I Feel a lot better. Yes, side effects were there such as sweats, dry mouth, not sleeping. Took about 2 weeks for these side effects to subside...but felt a lot better after 1 month.My family was amazing....very supportive...never told me to "snap out of it" but to get help..like I mentioned, depression runs in my family...yes, it sucks but the resources were there to get help/ not feel ashamed and most of all get better. I am all for doing things the natural way but not missing out on my first baby's few months..no thanks.....I wanted to get better really fast..life is too short to feel miserable and have terrible thoughts...besides, just like any disease like diabetes, they take meds...why can't we? It would be nice to have a brain scan to show ppl what mental illness comes from ya know? Just like any other disease....
> 
> You know what the funny part is though? I have never done drugs, hardly drink......I'm a individual with graduate degrees in education, I also consider myself a spiritual person. I think, once again,family support, my own will to get better fast with a good doctor, all got me better quick....its definitely a hard road but I will tell you one thing....what matters is your health, your baby;s health and your family's health in life...that will make you happy
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So if you're feeling dp or feelings of depression, definitely get help....


did you go to a regular doctor or have to go to a psychiatrist? i heard from some people that regular doctors really dont know much about the mental illness stuff


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## Momma

ktlee said:


> did you go to a regular doctor or have to go to a psychiatrist? i heard from some people that regular doctors really dont know much about the mental illness stuff


I actually went to my regular doctor. The one that delivered my baby. I was very fortunate to have her. She had suggested medication. At first I was hesistant but then said she's right...why do I need to suffer...


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## ktlee

Momma said:


> I actually went to my regular doctor. The one that delivered my baby. I was very fortunate to have her. She had suggested medication. At first I was hesistant but then said she's right...why do I need to suffer...


hmm maybe i will go into a regular one though. hopefully they can help cause im just on anti depressants now. they seem to not really be doing anything cept giving me side effects. have terrible headaches.


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## Momma

ktlee said:


> hmm maybe i will go into a regular one though. hopefully they can help cause im just on anti depressants now. they seem to not really be doing anything cept giving me side effects. have terrible headaches.


I'm very sorry to hear that the anti-depressants aren't working? Did you try different ones? It took me around 2 weeks to get over the terrible side effects..then it got better... Did you have a child recently as well? If so, are you coping all right?


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## Kellysmom

Have you seen "The Sixth Sense"? I feel like I am Bruce Willis' character...walking around dead....talking to people and thinking they are talking to me, but they really aren't. If my husband kisses me....I feel like I am cheating on my husband. I feel wierd hugging and kissing my 11 year old daughter. Sometimes I reach out and touch my husband's face, just to see if it's real. It's hard to breathe. I have constant butterflies in my stomach....etc.


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## Momma

Kellysmom said:


> Have you seen "The Sixth Sense"? I feel like I am Bruce Willis' character...walking around dead....talking to people and thinking they are talking to me, but they really aren't. If my husband kisses me....I feel like I am cheating on my husband. I feel wierd hugging and kissing my 11 year old daughter. Sometimes I reach out and touch my husband's face, just to see if it's real. It's hard to breathe. I have constant butterflies in my stomach....etc.


Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear that....that must be rough...I had that feeling when I came home with my child. It lasted around 2 weeks. Are you taking any medication to help? There's also a mindfulness class that might help. It helps you focus on the "now" and real present feelings. I am thinking of takin classes myself. My family said if only they would have known about his earlier.... it really helped them


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## Kellysmom

Momma said:


> Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear that....that must be rough...I had that feeling when I came home with my child. It lasted around 2 weeks. Are you taking any medication to help? There's also a mindfulness class that might help. It helps you focus on the "now" and real present feelings. I am thinking of takin classes myself. My family said if only they would have known about his earlier.... it really helped them


Thank you Momma for the response and the sympathy....or I guess it would be empathy since you've been there yourself. I was already on Lexapro when it happened and I am on a small dose of Xanax at night which keeps away the night terrors and keeps me from waking up with panic attacks. My Psychiatrist wants to put me on Valium and Abilify, but I am scared to take it. I'm afraid that it will put me into a deeper fog. Do you think that is irrational? Thank you again.


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## Momma

Kellysmom said:


> Thank you Momma for the response and the sympathy....or I guess it would be empathy since you've been there yourself. I was already on Lexapro when it happened and I am on a small dose of Xanax at night which keeps away the night terrors and keeps me from waking up with panic attacks. My Psychiatrist wants to put me on Valium and Abilify, but I am scared to take it. I'm afraid that it will put me into a deeper fog. Do you think that is irrational? Thank you again.


Hey KellysMom,

Its hard isn`t it? You must be asking yourself why me? I did many times...I would see ppl around me and think...why am I not happy like them? What world am I in? The decision to take the medication is always tough....I don't think you're irrational....whatever will help you.....I am not a doctor either.....its just the side effects that are awful....I don't want to sound repetitive but have you tried meditating along with your medication? How long have you had these feelings for? Is your husband or family supportive? Parents, kids etc? One thing that I've learned is to talk about it...not to feel ashamed...it helps


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## Momma

[quote name='Momma' date='24 September 2010 - 12:35 PM' timestamp='1285349750' post='206675']
Hey KellysMom,

Its hard isn`t it? You must be asking yourself why me? I did many times...I would see ppl around me and think...why am I not happy like them? What world am I in? The decision to take the medication is always tough....I don't think you're irrational....whatever will help you.....I am not a doctor either.....its just the side effects that are awful....I don't want to sound repetitive but have you tried meditating along with your medication? How long have you had these feelings for? Is your husband or family supportive? Parents, kids etc? One thing that I've learned is to talk about it...not to feel ashamed...it helps Oh and another little thing....you might find this silly but do you have a pet? Its amazing how much love you feed off of them and that they feed off of you







I was soo anxious at first that I didn't recognize my beautiful goldendoodle but always felt better when he was around, when I would pet him.... this also helped me a great deal....it would also force me out of the house because he would need to go for walks etc.


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## Kellysmom

Momma said:


> Hey KellysMom,
> 
> Its hard isn`t it? You must be asking yourself why me? I did many times...I would see ppl around me and think...why am I not happy like them? What world am I in? The decision to take the medication is always tough....I don't think you're irrational....whatever will help you.....I am not a doctor either.....its just the side effects that are awful....I don't want to sound repetitive but have you tried meditating along with your medication? How long have you had these feelings for? Is your husband or family supportive? Parents, kids etc? One thing that I've learned is to talk about it...not to feel ashamed...it helps Oh and another little thing....you might find this silly but do you have a pet? Its amazing how much love you feed off of them and that they feed off of you
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was soo anxious at first that I didn't recognize my beautiful goldendoodle but always felt better when he was around, when I would pet him.... this also helped me a great deal....it would also force me out of the house because he would need to go for walks etc.


Hello again Momma,
Yes, it is very hard. I don't ask why me, because I've come to expect bad things to happen to me. I have been sick all my life and had a heart transplant at 22. I've had lots of complications from that...so I'm used to illness.
I do feel jealous of others at times though I have to admit. Thank you for your support about the meds. I still haven't decided whether to take them or not. I am desperate for some relief, but am afraid of the side effects. I have been seeing a therapist for many years (since I was told that I wouldn't live much longer....7 years ago). He is wonderful and has been doing relaxation hypnotherapy on me since this started. My DP started 5 weeks ago...although it feels more like 5 months. My husband tries to be supportive, but is so busy that I feel ignored a lot by him. My 11 year old daughter doesn't know much about it, but thinks it's cool that mommy doesn't feel like she is in her body. My mom died 12 years ago and my dad seems to be ignoring the situation. I am not feeling support from him. I do have a cat, but I am a germaphobe and have a hard time petting her for that reason. I do like it when she sits on my lap or snuggles up to me though and I enjoy giving her treats and playing with her some. Thank you for all the support and advice. I will keep you in my prayers.


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## kate7

hi kellysmom i read your comment, i was looking for people who has kids. i have 5 year old son, like u sad it so difficult when your own child looks so different, every day i pik him up from school makes me nurves, how i feel about him, its mothers nightmare, i dont know when my dp/dr gonna go away, i am on zoloft and klonopoil as needed, i cant describe how this madication made me feel. i cant remember how reality feels anymore, its been only 3 month since i got dp/dr


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## Kellysmom

kate7 said:


> hi kellysmom i read your comment, i was looking for people who has kids. i have 5 year old son, like u sad it so difficult when your own child looks so different, every day i pik him up from school makes me nurves, how i feel about him, its mothers nightmare, i dont know when my dp/dr gonna go away, i am on zoloft and klonopoil as needed, i cant describe how this madication made me feel. i cant remember how reality feels anymore, its been only 3 month since i got dp/dr


Hi Kate7,
My heart goes out to you, because I know that horrible feeling. I just go through the motions with my daughter and try to keep things as normal as possible for her. I hug and kiss her, but it doesn't feel like her. You're right it is a mother's nightmare. Isn't it great that we all have each other to lean on...even if it is not in person, but over the internet. You are not alone. I can't remember how reality feels anymore either and it has only been 5 weeks for me. You are in my prayers.


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## Nicole_22

WoW- its sooo good to know that i am not alone.... Let me describe a bit of the hell that I've been through for MANY years... I think i was about 11 years old when it started... i remember the night so well... we were at a family braai/party,it was my aunts birthday... the cousins and i were all dancing and i suddnely felt like it wasnt me dancing anymore... like i was floating or hovering and watching my body... my arms didnt belong to me.... i was feeling dizzy and i started panicking... i screamed at my cousin and still remember asking her if i was dead. I ran to my mom, not caring about who i was knocking into, asking her if i was 'here'... and she looked at at me as if i had been drinking or smoking somthing. (obviously i hadnt had anything at that age) My mom soon realised what was happening and said i was having a panic attack. she gave me something to calm me down and soon fell asleep after many attempts to fight it (for the fear of dying in my sleep). After that i adapted to living with this feeling, and now at the age of 22 i realise that i am not the only one living with this uncontrolable feeling, and i can actually SPEAK about it and not be ashamed or embarrased about it...!!! i read a list of the symptons i had and can honestly say that i have had EVERY SINGLE ONE of those symptoms! I have many stories to share... and i will be coming on here quite a lot. Thank you


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## Kellysmom

Nicole_22 said:


> WoW- its sooo good to know that i am not alone.... Let me describe a bit of the hell that I've been through for MANY years... I think i was about 11 years old when it started... i remember the night so well... we were at a family braai/party,it was my aunts birthday... the cousins and i were all dancing and i suddnely felt like it wasnt me dancing anymore... like i was floating or hovering and watching my body... my arms didnt belong to me.... i was feeling dizzy and i started panicking... i screamed at my cousin and still remember asking her if i was dead. I ran to my mom, not caring about who i was knocking into, asking her if i was 'here'... and she looked at at me as if i had been drinking or smoking somthing. (obviously i hadnt had anything at that age) My mom soon realised what was happening and said i was having a panic attack. she gave me something to calm me down and soon fell asleep after many attempts to fight it (for the fear of dying in my sleep). After that i adapted to living with this feeling, and now at the age of 22 i realise that i am not the only one living with this uncontrolable feeling, and i can actually SPEAK about it and not be ashamed or embarrased about it...!!! i read a list of the symptons i had and can honestly say that i have had EVERY SINGLE ONE of those symptoms! I have many stories to share... and i will be coming on here quite a lot. Thank you


Wow...I have an 11 year old and I can't imagine her going through this. I'm sorry that you have had this for so long and it started so young. I'm glad to hear that you adapted....that gives me some hope...although I'd rather get well than adapt. By the way...I still have the fear of dying in my sleep. My husband has to reassure me every night that I will be ok. I'm glad to hear that you aren't embarrased about it. I find that talking about it helps me to cope.


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## Nicole_22

The feeling is horrible.... something i dont wish on my worst enemy! when i was 17 i had a fit, and long after that i would have small fits... especially with flashing lights, i'd get those weird frights..! to this day i dnt know what those fits were caused from, but it has made me extremely anxious. Someone that i was really close to was murdered about two weeks ago and i feel even worse... i feel like im totally detached to my body. and the only thing that i am controlling is my mind. i cant think straight, i have a deafening ringing in my ears, my mind is totally clouded... and ive been EXTREMELY tired....


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## Kellysmom

Nicole_22 said:


> The feeling is horrible.... something i dont wish on my worst enemy! when i was 17 i had a fit, and long after that i would have small fits... especially with flashing lights, i'd get those weird frights..! to this day i dnt know what those fits were caused from, but it has made me extremely anxious. Someone that i was really close to was murdered about two weeks ago and i feel even worse... i feel like im totally detached to my body. and the only thing that i am controlling is my mind. i cant think straight, i have a deafening ringing in my ears, my mind is totally clouded... and ive been EXTREMELY tired....


I have said that exact thing "something I don't wish on my worst enemy". I am so sorry to hear about the murder. That is horrible in any circumstance, but with dp.... I have been terrified that my Grandpa would die while I am in this state. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## kate7

it good to hear from everybody, i wish we contect each other in defferent happy websites, but at least we have each other here, no metter how u explain this condition to your husband or close one, they wont understand how terrible thi is. its fight every single second with your mind, i am reading the book FEELING UNREAL, and lots of famouse people have this dp/dr disorder.


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## Kellysmom

kate7 said:


> it good to hear from everybody, i wish we contect each other in defferent happy websites, but at least we have each other here, no metter how u explain this condition to your husband or close one, they wont understand how terrible thi is. its fight every single second with your mind, i am reading the book FEELING UNREAL, and lots of famouse people have this dp/dr disorder.


I think I will get that book and read it. I've heard a lot about it.


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## ktlee

has anyone ever had the medication if they received any really work?? i dont know why the hell i have this disorder so its hard for me to work through it. i dont know wat to do.....


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## primitive101

j


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## primitive101

j


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## primitive101

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## primitive101

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## Kellysmom

primitive101 said:


> for the next 2 months everything was different,but still the same.I just didnt know what the fuck is going on.I was silent at any discucions,and i was talkin just to answer someone.Every one have noticed that i am different,but i was just saying its nothing,iam ok.I wasn.Then at this two months,first two months of trully,completely DP,I started awareing my other alters,they were just poping in.With no reason,Even when i was alone in home,i started acting like some of my friends,talking like them...But when i was doing so it was like the image or a video of that friend was in my vision.Offcourse i wa able to see clearly around me,but then suddenly PUFF,the image of my friend popped up,and i was him at these moments.What the fuck is happening?
> Now,as i am writing you this,i have managed to repress or even delete those alters.I am me and just me is writing this.But i went through fucking hell.I wanted to kill myself,because it was immpossible to live.
> So,let me get this straigtht,this weed-stress-trauma induced depersonalization state was total.And still is total as i wright this.But the alters of my copied frindes are almost gone.So from my point of view right now,this total depersonalization state that I am in 24/7,is a paradise.PARADISE.PARADISE.PARADISE.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> )


Wow! I don't know what to say, but...wow!


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## primitive101

u


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## primitive101

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## Momma

primitive101 said:


> for the next 2 months everything was different,but still the same.I just didnt know what the fuck is going on.I was silent at any discucions,and i was talkin just to answer someone.Every one have noticed that i am different,but i was just saying its nothing,iam ok.I wasn.Then at this two months,first two months of trully,completely DP,I started awareing my other alters,they were just poping in.With no reason,Even when i was alone in home,i started acting like some of my friends,talking like them...But when i was doing so it was like the image or a video of that friend was in my vision.Offcourse i wa able to see clearly around me,but then suddenly PUFF,the image of my friend popped up,and i was him at these moments.What the fuck is happening?
> Now,as i am writing you this,i have managed to repress or even delete those alters.I am me and just me is writing this.But i went through fucking hell.I wanted to kill myself,because it was immpossible to live.
> So,let me get this straigtht,this weed-stress-trauma induced depersonalization state was total.And still is total as i wright this.But the alters of my copied frindes are almost gone.So from my point of view right now,this total depersonalization state that I am in 24/7,is a paradise.PARADISE.PARADISE.PARADISE.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> )


Primitive 101...I am confused....what do you mean it is PARADISE? I hope you're feeling better. Best of luck!


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## Momma

primitive101 said:


> for the next 2 months everything was different,but still the same.I just didnt know what the fuck is going on.I was silent at any discucions,and i was talkin just to answer someone.Every one have noticed that i am different,but i was just saying its nothing,iam ok.I wasn.Then at this two months,first two months of trully,completely DP,I started awareing my other alters,they were just poping in.With no reason,Even when i was alone in home,i started acting like some of my friends,talking like them...But when i was doing so it was like the image or a video of that friend was in my vision.Offcourse i wa able to see clearly around me,but then suddenly PUFF,the image of my friend popped up,and i was him at these moments.What the fuck is happening?
> Now,as i am writing you this,i have managed to repress or even delete those alters.I am me and just me is writing this.But i went through fucking hell.I wanted to kill myself,because it was immpossible to live.
> So,let me get this straigtht,this weed-stress-trauma induced depersonalization state was total.And still is total as i wright this.But the alters of my copied frindes are almost gone.So from my point of view right now,this total depersonalization state that I am in 24/7,is a paradise.PARADISE.PARADISE.PARADISE.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> )


Primitive 101...I am confused....what do you mean it is PARADISE? I hope you're feeling better. Best of luck!


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## primitive101

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## primitive101

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## Lilitu

I'm new here. I have suffered from DP/DR on and off my whole life, but over the last three years it has been really bad.

I have been diagnosed bipolar but I fought that diagnosis, instead getting a second opinion where I was I diagnosed as suffering from depression/anxiety along with PTSD. My psychiatrist tried to put me on lamotrigine and quinine and seroquel and all sorts of nightmarish drugs, but I told him I wanted to try Wellbutrin, a drug I had taken years ago for depression. I am now doing much better...I still have episodes of anxiety and utter panic and I still have crying bouts and bursts of irrational anger, but the episodes are fewer and farther between. I also haven't had a blackout for about a year up until about a week ago. It was my first blackout in forever.

I don't think there was a singular event that triggered the DP but rather a life that has worn me down and strained my brain to the breaking point. I was sexually abused when I was younger, I was raped when I was 15 and when I was 23 by people I trusted and I saw a lot of violence from 15 to 25, did alot of drugs, was in a string of long-term abusive relationships, and made very bad decisions. My father is an alcoholic and antisocial and we hardly speak and my mother is constantly worried I'm going to die...I'm 25 years old and my life is now just a blur of nothingness. Nothing is related. Nothing makes sense. I look back and it's like the old me is seperate from who I am now and people are always saying they miss the old me like there is more then one of me...fuck it's fucking confusing! But I am on the road to recovery, I believe. The last three years have been HELL, but it isn't until recently that I have found the will to live and have started to see glimpses of beauty in life again.

For me, when I am in a DP episode, life is like a passing moment. I grasp it for a minute and then it is gone. I float here and there. I wander. I can't seem to stay in one place long and I have black and white moments where I make strange decisions and just run with them. I can't concentrate. I lose time. I black out. I have episodes where I am so seperated from my self that I feel like my soul is outside my body. It is like a living nightmare. You obsess. You are constantly afraid. You are terrified the world is going to fall out from under your feet and you will be obliterated. I am haunted by restless nights and nightmares of blood and death. I can't find a better job because I don't care about anything. I connect for a brief amount of time with one person at a time during each episode...I form a codependent bond and see it through, even if it destroys me...and then I up and leave and run far away and start all over again. The PTSD makes me extremely jumpy...loud noises scare the shit out of me, angry people make me detach, I don't like people coming up behind me and I can't sit or sleep with my back to the door, I jump at familiar sounds simply because they startle me, I am constantly on edge, like on glass. But the blackouts are the worst. It's like I become a different person. I do things I should be so ashamed of, but yet I am so detached from them I don't even relate them to myself. It makes taking responsiblity for your own actions and learning from your mistakes almost impossible because you can't remember what you did or why or you feel like you just dreamt it.

DP has made my life near unbearable, but I fight it slowly and beligerently. It's like a two steps forward one step back sort of thing. I have relapses of bad behavior sometimes where I fall back into bad habits, but when I pull myself out of an episode it's like being reborn again. I am currently coming out of an episode and I am feeling so much better then I have recently. My head is clear and I finally see that all the triggers of my PTSD and DP/DR are in my current environment. I am now removing myself completely, so I hope this will help further me on the road to recovery...especially since I was on the verge of another relapse. I am ridding myself of all unhealthy distractions and bad memories...the last ten years have been hell, but now I am 25 and ready to move on and start over and leave the place that has held me back for so long...for the first time in what feels like a million years, I am NOT afraid. My anxiety is nothing. Fuck it. I have lost everything I put time into. I have nothing left to lose. All I have to go from here is up.


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## Momma

primitive101 said:


> and i didnt explained that thing about medicals.My dad was giving them to me,after we visiteg psysho.To calm me down.But the problem was oposite.Totally opposite.I needed something to start this intelectual abilities again.Not to calm thhem.Because they were,belive me,totally calmed.Cos i was unable to think.So in this state food cant help,drinks,vitamins,medical,talking with someone,psysical activities,yoga,medidation.Because none of this things are directly related to intelectual abilities of the person.NOne.So what can bring intelect back?So its interesting that people in their life time say :Oh,my running saved my life.Or my medicals.Or talking to someone.Or operation.Or anything.Its funny but everything started getting better for me when one day during this hell state i started,out of nothing,to do some mathematical problems like functions and integrals.I am the only person that can say that integrals really saved my life hahahah
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ))Just like that.Day after day i was feeling better.Cos you see,when you are calculating something,at that time there are no emmotion,feelings,body atachment required.Just apstract intelektual thinking.But that was just begginig.I still had to fight may alters.I will talk about that tommorow if you like.Cos intelekt can defeat everything that is bad in your brainits just that we dont appreciate it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> )


Ha HA! Primitive 101....very very true.....paying bills for me was a huge distractor......hard to focus but made me forget the utter inside pain I was feeling....what I would say dp is for me was being out of my skin....completely...you know what was bizarre though? My nights were always better than my days. I remember having dp during the whole day then going to bed and seeing my husband and saying oh my goodness, I am back in my skin!!! I want to live this way forever.....nevertheless, the dp feeling was terrible, horrible...I don't wish it to anyone....one thing it gave me now though...is that I try not to worry about the small stresses in life....because it ain't worth it! I will take the small stresses over dp anyday,,( is what I am trying to say


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## Momma

Lilitu said:


> I'm new here. I have suffered from DP/DR on and off my whole life, but over the last three years it has been really bad.
> 
> I have been diagnosed bipolar but I fought that diagnosis, instead getting a second opinion where I was I diagnosed as suffering from depression/anxiety along with PTSD. My psychiatrist tried to put me on lamotrigine and quinine and seroquel and all sorts of nightmarish drugs, but I told him I wanted to try Wellbutrin, a drug I had taken years ago for depression. I am now doing much better...I still have episodes of anxiety and utter panic and I still have crying bouts and bursts of irrational anger, but the episodes are fewer and farther between. I also haven't had a blackout for about a year up until about a week ago. It was my first blackout in forever.
> 
> I don't think there was a singular event that triggered the DP but rather a life that has worn me down and strained my brain to the breaking point. I was sexually abused when I was younger, I was raped when I was 15 and when I was 23 by people I trusted and I saw a lot of violence from 15 to 25, did alot of drugs, was in a string of long-term abusive relationships, and made very bad decisions. My father is an alcoholic and antisocial and we hardly speak and my mother is constantly worried I'm going to die...I'm 25 years old and my life is now just a blur of nothingness. Nothing is related. Nothing makes sense. I look back and it's like the old me is seperate from who I am now and people are always saying they miss the old me like there is more then one of me...fuck it's fucking confusing! But I am on the road to recovery, I believe. The last three years have been HELL, but it isn't until recently that I have found the will to live and have started to see glimpses of beauty in life again.
> 
> For me, when I am in a DP episode, life is like a passing moment. I grasp it for a minute and then it is gone. I float here and there. I wander. I can't seem to stay in one place long and I have black and white moments where I make strange decisions and just run with them. I can't concentrate. I lose time. I black out. I have episodes where I am so seperated from my self that I feel like my soul is outside my body. It is like a living nightmare. You obsess. You are constantly afraid. You are terrified the world is going to fall out from under your feet and you will be obliterated. I am haunted by restless nights and nightmares of blood and death. I can't find a better job because I don't care about anything. I connect for a brief amount of time with one person at a time during each episode...I form a codependent bond and see it through, even if it destroys me...and then I up and leave and run far away and start all over again. The PTSD makes me extremely jumpy...loud noises scare the shit out of me, angry people make me detach, I don't like people coming up behind me and I can't sit or sleep with my back to the door, I jump at familiar sounds simply because they startle me, I am constantly on edge, like on glass. But the blackouts are the worst. It's like I become a different person. I do things I should be so ashamed of, but yet I am so detached from them I don't even relate them to myself. It makes taking responsiblity for your own actions and learning from your mistakes almost impossible because you can't remember what you did or why or you feel like you just dreamt it.
> 
> DP has made my life near unbearable, but I fight it slowly and beligerently. It's like a two steps forward one step back sort of thing. I have relapses of bad behavior sometimes where I fall back into bad habits, but when I pull myself out of an episode it's like being reborn again. I am currently coming out of an episode and I am feeling so much better then I have recently. My head is clear and I finally see that all the triggers of my PTSD and DP/DR are in my current environment. I am now removing myself completely, so I hope this will help further me on the road to recovery...especially since I was on the verge of another relapse. I am ridding myself of all unhealthy distractions and bad memories...the last ten years have been hell, but now I am 25 and ready to move on and start over and leave the place that has held me back for so long...for the first time in what feels like a million years, I am NOT afraid. My anxiety is nothing. Fuck it. I have lost everything I put time into. I have nothing left to lose. All I have to go from here is up.


Excellent attitide Lilitu! All there is ..is up! from here! You're in my thoughts and prayers~!


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## primitive101

i


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## Momma

primitive101 said:


> momma,how was it for to be using medicals,and at the same thinkig how to pay for them,to pay for something that other person(even if its a doctor)suggests that it will help you,but you realize that the medicals arent really changing anything,except that you now have to think and worry even more about the money,job....Was it like you entered an another unbreakable closed circle?That didnt really have to do anything with the starting problems?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> )))


Hey Primitive 101~

Mmmmm I hope I know what you mean.....I had coverage for some of the meds.....it helped...I honestly think that everything helped though....meds, support, eating right....

however, being on the meds ( I think) speeded things up by getting me stronger...quicker...so that I could enjoy my newborn son







Hope this answers your question


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## Kellysmom

Momma said:


> Ha HA! Primitive 101....very very true.....paying bills for me was a huge distractor......hard to focus but made me forget the utter inside pain I was feeling....what I would say dp is for me was being out of my skin....completely...you know what was bizarre though? My nights were always better than my days. I remember having dp during the whole day then going to bed and seeing my husband and saying oh my goodness, I am back in my skin!!! I want to live this way forever.....nevertheless, the dp feeling was terrible, horrible...I don't wish it to anyone....one thing it gave me now though...is that I try not to worry about the small stresses in life....because it ain't worth it! I will take the small stresses over dp anyday,,( is what I am trying to say


I like what you said. It's great to hear someone say something positive once in a while in here. I will remember that.


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## primitive101

y


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## Momma

primitive101 said:


> yes,that answers,i just wanted to know if the medicals have really helped you)cos many people didnt acctually fight this DP with meds easy.So are you completally out of DP,or is it coming back?


Hey Primitive 101! Hope you had a nice weekend Yes, I am completely out of DP and hoping to help others to know that it can and will go away..did the meds help? I think so....a combination of everything I think...I started on 10mg of cipralex/day for 1 month and then went down to 5mg after 1 month. I am still taking them now...almost 6 months. My doctor said I should be on them for 1 year...I will see her because mabye I can go to 1 every second day or so....we shall see....side effects of going from 10mg to 5mg were not terrible for me. It took about 1 week to get over the side effects ( mostly anxiety)..but I was telling myself it was the meds...I'm gonna be okay.....kept myself busy... etc....The only side effect I think is weight gain ( about 10 lbs) but I am willing to definitely accept that then the awful feelings I had. Good luck


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## razer777

like having my head in a goldfish bowl


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## MagdaLena

New here and been reading this thread for a couple hours- trying to get a feel and just being blown away at other people putting "feelings" I have daily into words I have never been able to express. I had an appt. with my psych today- who is amazing and in the session, she mention D.I.D and I came home and looked it up (she didn't say she thinks I have it, but something triggered her mentioning it) and I found Depersonalization on my own and it's like reading something from inside myself. Especially a lot of what you all had to say about it on here.

I feel empty and alone, though I am never physically alone. I feel like I'm screaming on the inside constantly but get no external relief. I copied from other posters certain statements that really struck me (I hope that's ok) to put out there what I could not find the words for until I found this forum. I seriously feel as though I am losing my feeble grip on reality and sanity.
These are the statements that spoke to me- (again, from other posters)

- excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
- excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
- excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
- endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
- anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
- anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
- sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
- sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
- sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations

Empty, blank, unable to engage, disconnected from what I am doing, sort of dead in my eyes, observer of others, separated, pane of glass, stupefied, have to force myself to do things, robot-like, no thoughts; no feelings; wordless, lack of emotional response to things, lack of connection, dead, can't remember anything very much; feeling distant or estranged from friends and people I know, empty, empty, empty, nothing there, no sense of self, preoccupied with state, wondering if this is dp. That kind of thing. the usual and on it goes.

*Knowing who i am but not "feeling"who iam.
*Feeling cut off from my self-know i'm there somewhere but can't seem to connect with myself.
*Feeling like a shell of a being.
*Empty but sometimes too full.
*Cut off from emotions-don't feel them.
*Audio sensory overload-Sounds become too loud.All jumble up like a crowded room in my head.Can't focus on just one sound it all just becomes noise.
*Some smells become too overwhelming and make me feel sick.
Tactile defensiveness-Can't stand to be touched as when i am all i can feel is that part being touched-like im hyperaware of it.Then the rest of me dissapears.
*Thoughts of impending doom.
*Thoughts that im going crazy. And what does that mean anyway to be crazy?
*Hyperventalating.
*Shaking
*Heart flutters-im going to have a heart attack!
*Constant scanning of my environment for any sighns of danger.
*A feeling of i need to get out of here.
**Surge attacks-where i feel like a electrical current has been put through my body.* <----- I HATE THIS- WHAT IS THIS??


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## ktlee

i still am not sure if dp is what i have. i feel like im not myself. i feel like my limbs are not mine. but i also get headaches on the daily. sometimes worse than others. i hate goin place because i feel like im gunna freak out. when i go out to places by myself i get this dizzy scared feeling like i need to leave right now. i get really dizzy and lightheaded and everything gets blurry and i get really diconnected from reality. i live in fear of that feeling. on a daily basis the feeling of not being me messes with me though. i have never had a cure. its differnt daily. sometimes its worse than others. i dont know what to do anymore. it never really goes away. i have no idea why i have it. im thinking maybe from stress because i have never had a traumatic experience. ive had this for about 6 years on and off. can anyone help???


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## ambrosialv

It straight out Uber sucks.


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## Nihil Dexter

ambrosialv said:


> It straight out Uber sucks.


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## mykindsyourkind9

I am unsure if I have this condition... I've only just started researching this recently after two weeks of feeling so 'off'. When I first read about it, I thought it must surely be a farce. Having read the symptoms and journals on the topic I have changed my mind.

My experience is very similar to others. However, it seems to have been triggered after a night of drinking. When I woke the next morning I felt altered, but believing it to be a hangover, ignored this.

Now, I daily have an hour or more of these feelings. The things I look at appear incredibly detailed, the colours, shape, etc. Like my eyes are in zoom. Sounds seem more pronounced. (And I think it's happening now.) My ability to fully concentrate on one task has slowed. My hands don't feel like mine as I type.

It is something I am extremely scared about. My relationships with other people seem pointless, the only emotion that can be evoked in me is sadness somehow. It is also accompanied by constant fatigue.

Basically, I want to know, WILL IT GO AWAY? After 14 days I am already so frustrated. PLEASE help.


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## Nicole_22

mykindsyourkind9 said:


> I am unsure if I have this condition... I've only just started researching this recently after two weeks of feeling so 'off'. When I first read about it, I thought it must surely be a farce. Having read the symptoms and journals on the topic I have changed my mind.
> 
> My experience is very similar to others. However, it seems to have been triggered after a night of drinking. When I woke the next morning I felt altered, but believing it to be a hangover, ignored this.
> 
> Now, I daily have an hour or more of these feelings. The things I look at appear incredibly detailed, the colours, shape, etc. Like my eyes are in zoom. Sounds seem more pronounced. (And I think it's happening now.) My ability to fully concentrate on one task has slowed. My hands don't feel like mine as I type.
> 
> It is something I am extremely scared about. My relationships with other people seem pointless, the only emotion that can be evoked in me is sadness somehow. It is also accompanied by constant fatigue.
> 
> Basically, I want to know, WILL IT GO AWAY? After 14 days I am already so frustrated. PLEASE help.
> 
> Try Living with it for 11 years!! it does go away... but the qestion is when!!/? no one knows!


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## Bsteph

I often mentally see a video of myself doing whatever my body is doing presently from someone else's distant perspective.
Example: While doing the dishes, I see myself in the exact clothes, stance, environment, everything but from the perspective of someone else behind me. Often times, I turn around because I'm afraid it might be a ghost.
Also, sometimes when I go out somewhere everything is fuzzy and heightened, even when it's places I always go to around people who I know. I feel disconnected from the environment and everyone else. I feel tired, sometimes light headed or heavy.
Example: I went to my voice class last week, the lights felt too bright, I felt I was inside of myself, my perception felt weak and fuzzy.
When watching TV, or someone talking or an object in real life, I can instantly change my perception of how I look at it and how I feel about it, and then flip back to the original perception and feelings.
Example: While watching a UFC fight with my dad, I looked at the champion who wore red shorts and was happy he had won. It made me feel bored, and like he was arrogant. Instantly, I switched my perception of things and looked at him in a different way, feeling he was genuinely excited and that he is a good fighter. Then, I switched it back to the original perspective.
I sometimes go on autopilot, especially while driving or doing repetitive tasks I do a lot. One minute I'm on one street, 
I get caught up in my thoughts, and then end up home recognizing I had just drove all the way there without noticing.
Example: Cleaning the house. I often "categorize" things into groups and accomplish them in order, so everything is even.
When sorting paper, everything related to school goes in a pile, everything related to bills goes in another, and the rest is misc.
I do this with less than normal things such as people, foods, clothing, household objects, etc. When packing, the kitchen things must be together, the bathroom things must stay together, if not it doesn't feel right and it needs to be even.
While cooking, I flavor dishes according to what spices and herbs are "grouped" together that seem to fit the dish.
My perception of time is off, sometimes it feels like a week has gone by but it's only been 2-3 days.
It often feels like my brain and body aren't as well connected. For example: If I spill a drink on the floor, mentally I expect to instantly pick up a towel and begin cleaning, but my body lags and I feel I'm moving a lot slower than I want to.
I always feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels like this, and have never told anyone about any of these things that happen to me.


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## Hayley

like death except you are still alive maybe. It's such an intense feeling of not being real that's what it's like. And often I can only half recognize things , from body parts to my family / objects. For example my own heartbeat freaks me out sometimes because I know it's mine but it doesn't feel like mine and I wish it would stop but I know it's obviously not going to and that fact alone just launches me into a panic attack. It's relentless and exhausting. :/ But Ive had it since I was about 4, 5 maybe 6 years old, I can't really remember and I'm 18 now, so I don't really know how normal people feel. But when I was diagnosed with this a few years ago it made sense so thats how I know ive got it...I used to wonder if other people felt these weird feelings I had no words for as a child. Sometimes I have week long attacks and during these I don't sleep for days and stop eating. I honestly don't know how I live with it. I have depression and anxiety too and I'd live with them both forever if this could be made to go away. Coz this DP/DR thing makes them seem like nothing .


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## Kia

Right now it feels like everything is delayed. like my body will do something and then .03 secs later my mind will process the action. most of the time it just feels like i'm watching life pass me by and i'm on autopilot. like life is happening before me, but i'm not physically present for it. It's all very surreal and it makes no sense to me. I question the point of human existence all the time







l will describe it as being the camera crew on a reality show and participants aren't supposed to interact with the camera crew, but they do and then i'm forced to interact with them. some days i feel connected to my life and i'm focused. today the dp/dr hit me really badly. but i'm going to dinner with some friends and hopefully that will distract me.


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## Olivia

Hayley said:


> For example my own heartbeat freaks me out sometimes because I know it's mine but it doesn't feel like mine and I wish it would stop but I know it's obviously not going to and that fact alone just launches me into a panic attack. It's relentless and exhausting. :/ I have depression and anxiety too and I'd live with them both forever if this could be made to go away. Coz this DP/DR thing makes them seem like nothing .


ive been doing that with my own thinking and thoughts for months, and i give up everytime. at school, the only thing i can do is study and hope that i can memorize everything otherwise my lifes been going downhill for a long time now..


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## Clemmer

I'm only 16 and it feels like you don't exist and makes u think your going insaine... Sometimes I can't remember what happens... It also feels like the day goes by real fast...is it ok to have 2nd hand smoke ...??!!


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## lvsika

I go through every day like I'm watching a really bad movie in Greek. The english subtitles are there, but I don't have my contacts in so I can't figure it out anyway. It's been this way for several years now. I've been in therapy dealing with depression & anxiety since January, but I know this has been going on for longer. It's just that it's gotten worse in the last couple years. I was actually happy to hear the term depersonalization disorder. It was like it gave me some sort of ground to stand on and work with. Like, now I know that I'm in the ballpark (or at least, "a" ballpark), maybe I have a shot of figuring out the game.

It's been very difficult. I understand where this all started in my life (years of emotional neglect as a child, not being taught to understand or deal with emotions, feelings), but all of the techniques I've tried to utilize have failed, or I've failed at them. A lot of the time, I just don't effin' get it.


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## LucyPlum

It feels like I am totally numb
Like my fingers, legs, arms don't want to do anything I tell them to
Everything is fuzzy, like I have milk in my eyes
My ears constantly need popping
Feels like I have cotton wool in my ears and between my eyes
I can't concentrate on anything
Nothing is very interesting
All I can think about is how this feels and it makes time drag
Thinking and worrying about how this feels makes it worse- I over-analyse all my symptoms
Things are overwhelming... having to carry lots of things for example, knowing that it's very hard to juggle my bag, folder, keys, and what if my phone rings? I won't have enough hands to answer. And what if I need to use my keys and I can't hold on to everything? 
Feeling like I am the only one here ... or that everyone else is here and I am not
Waking up in the night with anxiety
Having to be woken up as I am sleeping for so long... midday today
Still feeling tired despite this
Thinking I am going mad
I have absolutely no ability to make a decision- e.g. whether to stay or go somewhere, I find myself frozen to the spot in terror of actually making a decision
Not being able to handle the future, even if it's just what I am going to do when I get home or what to have for dinner. Feeling nauseous when thinking about it. 
Worrying about being alone all the time.

I have suffered with anxiety disorder since I was 16, and I am nearly 21 now. It is triggered by stressful situations, of which I have had a few- parents' divorce, exams, university, and most recently the breakdown of my three year relationship with a man I felt would be my partner for life. It's a horrible feeling and I would love it to be over with.. Mine comes and goes and I am lucky that it only comes when I am stressed, but it seems to be a lot of the time! any help would be much appreciated. x


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## DP-psych

Kinda new here, but can truly relate to so much everyone is saying.
I just have a quick question- is there anyone on this website that has never honestly smoked or been around any drug, especially marijuana?
It may just be me, but the effects of marijuana and DP are remarkably similar, and i wonder if the two are connected. Possibly a weak link in a neurotransmitter that marijuana destroys? kinda like a birth defect that marijuana exposes and the result is DP.
Its hard to voice exactly what i mean, and if there is someone who has truly never been around drugs, even in the womb, then that blows this out of the water.
Just voicing a late night thought. Hopefully someone can offer insight....


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## BlackParasol

' timestamp= said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


It's like looking at a dresser or other piece of furniture and suddenly realizing you don't know who made it, where it came from, why it should have come into your possession, what its chemical structure is, what tiny parts and forces of physics make it function the way its supposed to, who decided it was supposed to do that, and why it does it. And then panicking over not knowing these things.

It's like not moving your arm for a while so it falls asleep, and then suddenly your brain tricks you into thinking you never had an arm at all. In fact, for a few moments, you're crazy for thinking you had an arm there in the first place. And even when you look at your arm and look at your shoulder and see the place where they connect, that's still not your arm and it's still not there.

It's like looking at the person you've been with for four years and becoming frightened because you feel like you've never seen him before, and he looks different, and not knowing why he's in this room with you, talking about some topic that you unintentionally tuned out from several minutes ago.

It's like obsessing over body sensations, convinced that you're surely about to die because you believe fate is run by irony and that's just how it will work. And not being able to convince yourself that you're fine, you're not going to die, and even if you do, that's the nature of things.

It's not being able to come out of your head because your faulty brain wiring locked you in and fried the key to an unusable state of jagged ash. So you miss what people say, what street signs tell you, what places want you to feel.

It changes, every day, and you notice weird new things all the time. Like a giant bubble forming in your chest to where you feel like you're struggling to breathe but you're actually not, and the next day it's gone; or your fingers being unusually cold, or the ceiling fan on the patio suddenly looking humongous one day and tiny the next. Subtle changes in perception happen constantly, and you hyperfocus on them without meaning to at all.

You miss a lot, including the time before you lost yourself. At least, this has been my experience over the last several years.

EDIT: To *LucyPlum*: I know exactly what you mean about the ears and eyes thing; I constantly feel like the senses I rely on most are "clogged." I find that cleaning my ears out with some peroxide solution (I use Debrox drops and a bulb syringe) helps me feel "clearer" for a little while, and putting drops in my eyes/flushing them with water helps with vision. Probably psychosomatic, but it helps me feel better for a short time.


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## Kawaii-Imooto

It's horrible. I feel like I shouldn't do anything because it's not real anyway. Or at least, I'm not. 
I wonder why nobody notices me, and when I try to put myself 'out there' I feel as if they're only talking to me because my mind thinks they are.
And there are times where I'll 'snap back to reality' and I'll freak out and start touching everything: the walls, myself, other people to make sure they're there because I had forgotten that 'this world' exists.
This world...I hate it. It's not my Paradise. My brothers aren't here. My friends aren't here. My family isn't here. But I don't much like talking about it because sooner or later it turns this dream into a nightmare.
If I talk too much about it, I'll get hurt. I always do. But the pain seems distant.
It's like this body wasn't meant to be mine. When I look in the mirror, it's not myself I see. It's someone else...it's difficult.
I try as much as possible to stay in Paradise but something or other always drags me back down to this world...


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## Sorellanatalie

Yes, I do. It's so scary


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## Saint_Josh

Humm.. Some late night web surfing turns up gold I see?

This is my first post on this site. I've never really made these fancy introduction speaches before on any internet site: for the reason of me not caring what I say on the internet, nor that the internet is only a tool. I have some negitive feelings for our little tool here.... This site, as with one other site, is special though.

Umm.. I've known about Dp/dr, from personal experience, since about four years ago. Infact it doesn't seem, now, that I was aware of it as long as I thought it was, compared to others on this site. But recently some new thinking might of reveiled to me that I had these thought processs since I was born-- or very close to when I was able to start my thinking processes willfully; That I am begining to recognize the roots of my thinking when I was younger, and how they turned into what they became, and eventually what I am now.

Umm... This is more an introduction post and in the morning, where I live, I'll describe what I felt before. And what I feel now.

But man. I wish I knew about this site four years ago. I went To marijuana.com to talk about this. Too bad I didn't search well enough to discover this gem.


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## lostcardi

ok I ate some hash when I was 16 and a really terrifying trippy time. Indulged occasionally over the next few years to fit in with my peer group- not because I really enjoyed it. When I was 18 I was in an uncomfortable social stituation and I was gone , lots of paranoia , not knowing what people were saying to me, feeling really frightened, objects looming at me, supposedly friendly faces being really hostile. This continued for days. It would then surface every few weeks and I suffered very much alone. No one understood, they thought I was being difficult and needy at an age when everyone has alot of 'stuff' going on. Eventually I found myself with neurologists , who diagnosed me with temporal lobe epilepsy. No medication but just suffered periods of hell. Drink helped sometimes, but generally I tried to just hide what was going on . I felt ashamed at not being able to handle life. 
I met my husband at 24 and we had out first baby - i was symptom less for about 18 months when she was first born. It is a time a think of as idylic. It returned with a vengance after my second child was born. the paranoia. I think the worst symptom is not understanding the nature of things. There is a hierarchy of matter. I can cope with stones and sediments, trees, animals become more complicated but Humans, they are just too overwhelming complicated , like they have this incredibly powerful , threatening presence. I don't understand the rules for dealing with them. 
Cyberspace is new to me. When you live in a dream and think this life might just be a projection from some future Sim like game its a scary place. I don't know if people will mock me for writing this stuff l it feels vulnerable.


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## daniyellyshmoo

for me, i feel like the real me isnt here, that an impostor is inside my brain. i remember how "i" used to feel and its annoying because i cant convince myself that this is all made up and that im fine. the thing i miss the most are feeling joy, feeling remorse, and the way music made me feel. sometimes ill get feelings that are similar to those and i try to hold onto them for as long as i can,but it seems impossible at times. i actually miss being depressed. atleast i could function like a normal person.


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## Guest

I've got Derealization. For me, it's like being trapped inside myself.. Like there's muck over my eyes that is causing this whole dream state. Spacing out is as bad of a habit for me as smokin pot as if it was your daily ritual.. I feel kind of alone too. I talk to close friends about it & they say "Ah, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to get more social." But being in public places make me feel more miserable because when I'm in a public place, my derealization gets more noticeable. Which is one of the reasons why I'm planning on quitting my job. I feel myself becoming a hermit. Anyways, I feel like I float on a cloud alot. Like the place I'm in is drifting. Makes me naseous a bit. I know meds aren't the smartest idea but its the only solution I can think of these days. Most people say "ignore it. it will pass" but sh*t like this doesn't exactly go unnoticeable. You can't exactly ignore feeling like you're dreaming & trapped inside your own mind. Can't ignore the feeling of something wrong. Like everything is out of place & you've got to figure out what it is, but you realize that nothing is out of place. It's just you. Yet everything continues to feel strange & wrong. And all you want is for things to go back to normal. To feel normal. That's what dr is for me. And more but I can't remember.. Oh, also, I suffer from a helluva lot of short term memory loss Sometimes I cant remember what I did days, hours or moments ago. Maybe this is anxiety but derealization is the severest symptom of anxiety I've got.


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## Guest

Kawaii-Imooto said:


> It's horrible. I feel like I shouldn't do anything because it's not real anyway. Or at least, I'm not.
> I wonder why nobody notices me, and when I try to put myself 'out there' I feel as if they're only talking to me because my mind thinks they are.
> And there are times where I'll 'snap back to reality' and I'll freak out and start touching everything: the walls, myself, other people to make sure they're there because I had forgotten that 'this world' exists.
> This world...I hate it. It's not my Paradise. My brothers aren't here. My friends aren't here. My family isn't here. But I don't much like talking about it because sooner or later it turns this dream into a nightmare.
> If I talk too much about it, I'll get hurt. I always do. But the pain seems distant.
> It's like this body wasn't meant to be mine. When I look in the mirror, it's not myself I see. It's someone else...it's difficult.
> I try as much as possible to stay in Paradise but something or other always drags me back down to this world...


"its like this body wasnt meant to be mine". I know what you mean, sort of. I feel my soul could be in two bodies & I dont even know about it. Maybe my soul is enjoying the other life so much better than mine that it's leaving this body slowly. Inch by inch, my soul seems to fade. I'm afraid. It's like one day, I will just lose all the energy that I have. My will to live & fight will just get sucked out & I'll be sitting in my room, just staring at the floor waiting for the day I die.


----------



## Guest

daniyellyshmoo said:


> for me, i feel like the real me isnt here, that an impostor is inside my brain. i remember how "i" used to feel and its annoying because i cant convince myself that this is all made up and that im fine. the thing i miss the most are feeling joy, feeling remorse, and the way music made me feel. sometimes ill get feelings that are similar to those and i try to hold onto them for as long as i can,but it seems impossible at times.


I try to hold on to those old unfamiliar (yet familiar at the same time) feelings. But it's like the more you concentrate on it, the more quickly it tends to leave you in that numb state.


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## Fluke93

Wake up in the morning and feel like nothings real, get confused about life, walk home from college and have unwanted thoughts then i panic that im going to forget where i live. Feels like my brain is cotton wall constantly, brain fog never goes even if the dp/dr eases off a little. Cant concentrate like i used to, memory is not as good as it was when i was "normal". Does not feel like im doing the actions im doing sometimes, doesn't feel like im "walking" surroundings look surreal as well... Got so bad i thought i was either in a coma or dead. Emotions are hard to feel like i feeled them before. Im never as happy as i was before, even simple things like playing my playstation or listening to a certain piece of music (although i do now) at first it really hit me. Just try to remember it varies in intensity and others may be more severe or less severe. I've realised the less anxious and the less i focus on it, the more it lifts, though it never has completely for me apart from when i was in the early stages.


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## Arcadius

For me it's like: The real Me is in coma, and what i can see now is dreaming, but they can't wake me up, because this could cause pain for me or dead. And my subconsciousness made that whole fake-world. For me this is really logical...and scary. Day by day i feel like getting closer to this true.


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## christy

It feels like one day you woke up, and there is a thick smoggy piece of glass between your brain and the world. It feels like you are constantly in a foggy state of dreamy semi-consciousness. It feels like whatever is happening to you isn't really happening to you. It feels like you are underwater and disoriented. It feels like when you are in a room full of people, they aren't really there. It's not some pseudo state of mind, despite the shrinks that have seemed to think so. It's almost something physical, tangible. It's hell in a snow globe.


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## coffeegirl2407

I feel like I can't focus on my life. Things aren't interesting, or are too interesting. I have trouble focusing when people talk to me because usually I am focusing on some strange detail of their face or the like. I smile because I know it is expected, but I don't feel the same feelings that I used to feel. I love my boyfriend and I lie about how I'm feeling so that he won't be upset by the fact that I can't feel emotions the way I used to. I feel like there is a barrier between my brain and the rest of the world. I feel like I'm in a video game where things are happening all around me but not directly to me. I feel like when I say things, it isn't really being processed through my brain, but just coming out automatically. My entire life feels fake. It causes me a lot of anxiety and depression because I feel so isolated.


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## mchawk

university girl said:


> my dp/dr:
> 
> I believe I have a more dr-like experience...
> 
> I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unreality. I often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.
> 
> uni-girl


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## mchawk

It's so nice to find a place where there are others who feel the same! It's so hard to explain to "normal" people!

I first experienced DP/DR when I was in 8th grade. I'm now 32 years old and I've had it every day since 8th grade. It NEVER goes away. Does anyone else have CHRONIC DP/DR where it never goes away?

It's so frustrating and I'm tired of living around it!


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## optimusrhyme

its like fucking hell. ive had it nonstop for ten years.
The world looks two dimentional, my perceptions is totally fucked up. Its like a bad trip all the time.

I cant talk to people because my brain fog is so bad, when people talk to me I cant comprehend what they are saying.

I feel like im not myself,, I feel like my death is coming soon, I feel like im slowly falling down the rabbit hole.

I've lost most of my friends, my dad dosent give a shit about my condition he just tells me to snap out of it.

Worst of all nobody cares about me except my mom..
I get suicidal thoughts daily, sometimes crying myself out of the descision to kill myself..

My life is pure mental agony, i just got out of a 6 month stay in a psyche ward because i was so suicidal.

I dont know what to do anymore...


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## jaymeeliz

kenc127 said:


> some days its not bothersome, other days its completely maddening. Its got a mind of its own. It does seem to get better when I'm focused on other tasks though.


 that's also true for me!


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## jaymeeliz

I also have everything you said. I've been having a very difficult time... How do you cope?


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## Surfingisfun001

It's like watching yourself be stuck in a horrible trance-like state, unable to do anything about it.


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## InfantileAdult

I don't feel like I'm really here, it's like being in a dream all the time, and my brain feels foggy. I often forget things, even in the middle of doing them and am often confused. I can't concentrate or relax, I'm always restless. Colours aren't bright, food tastes bland, I feel suffocated. It feels as if seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, life is disappearing behind me. Like a aeroplane trail. I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. It freaks the hell out of me. I forget things a lot, or I know things have happened, but they don't feel like they happened to me. It feels like there's a glass pane between me and the world, and that I'm just watching things happen, passively. My dreams are weird now, as well. I often zone out in the middle of doing things and I can't properly remember things. Reality seems fake and unreal, and I feel distant and unfocused. My vision seems bad, as if I'm looking at things but not really seeing them. I try to focus on things, books, people, photographs; but I can't see tgem properly. I feel like I'm blind, yet I know I can see. I feel so hazy, like a hologram and sometimes my body doesn't feel like it's mine. My Mum doesn't feel like she's my Mum. I often don't feel like I recognise my surroundings, even if I consciously do. My bedroom doesn't feel like it's mine, but yet I know it is. I am a stranger to myself.

It's a living hell. I wonder if I'll ever be able to actually FEEL like I'm alive again.


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## InfantileAdult

mchawk said:


> It's so nice to find a place where there are others who feel the same! It's so hard to explain to "normal" people!
> 
> I first experienced DP/DR when I was in 8th grade. I'm now 32 years old and I've had it every day since 8th grade. It NEVER goes away. Does anyone else have CHRONIC DP/DR where it never goes away?
> 
> It's so frustrating and I'm tired of living around it!


I get it chronically. I never feel real


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## InfantileAdult

coffeegirl2407 said:


> I feel like I can't focus on my life. Things aren't interesting, or are too interesting. I have trouble focusing when people talk to me because usually I am focusing on some strange detail of their face or the like. I smile because I know it is expected, but I don't feel the same feelings that I used to feel. I love my boyfriend and I lie about how I'm feeling so that he won't be upset by the fact that I can't feel emotions the way I used to. I feel like there is a barrier between my brain and the rest of the world. I feel like I'm in a video game where things are happening all around me but not directly to me. I feel like when I say things, it isn't really being processed through my brain, but just coming out automatically. My entire life feels fake. It causes me a lot of anxiety and depression because I feel so isolated.


Like me x


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## InfantileAdult

christy said:


> It feels like one day you woke up, and there is a thick smoggy piece of glass between your brain and the world. It feels like you are constantly in a foggy state of dreamy semi-consciousness. It feels like whatever is happening to you isn't really happening to you. It feels like you are underwater and disoriented. It feels like when you are in a room full of people, they aren't really there. It's not some pseudo state of mind, despite the shrinks that have seemed to think so. It's almost something physical, tangible. It's hell in a snow globe.


Omg. That describes my feelings exactly!!!


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## christy

InfantileAdult said:


> Omg. That describes my feelings exactly!!!


Yes, I feel so many of your symptoms. Seeing things but not really "seeing" them. And being with my mom but not really feeling like she's my mom... That's one of the most heartbreaking things about the disorder. She's the closest human to me on the planet, and I love her more than anything. But sometimes I'll be looking at her, and it's as if there's this emotional "shift," and it feels like I'm looking at a stranger I haven't interacted with in 10 years.

For a while, I started asking myself things like, can I even love? Do I know what love is? But I now believe they can surpass this disorder and this state of feeling as if we have no emotion... Love and hope are more than emotions. And I believe deep inside, all people no matter what, hold the capacity for these things.


----------



## christy

Optimusrhyme said:


> its like fucking hell. ive had it nonstop for ten years.
> The world looks two dimentional, my perceptions is totally fucked up. Its like a bad trip all the time.
> 
> I cant talk to people because my brain fog is so bad, when people talk to me I cant comprehend what they are saying.
> 
> I feel like im not myself,, I feel like my death is coming soon, I feel like im slowly falling down the rabbit hole.
> 
> I've lost most of my friends, my dad dosent give a shit about my condition he just tells me to snap out of it.
> 
> Worst of all nobody cares about me except my mom..
> I get suicidal thoughts daily, sometimes crying myself out of the descision to kill myself..
> 
> My life is pure mental agony, i just got out of a 6 month stay in a psyche ward because i was so suicidal.
> 
> I dont know what to do anymore...


I just wanted to say I can relate to you so much... I've also had DR 24/7 for about ten years. I also suffer from everything seeming 2-dimensional, from fucked up perceptions, from suicidal thoughts... And I know the feeling of feeling that no one cares. Well I care. Please don't give up. Even when writing this, I feel completely "DR'd," as if this moment is unreal, and you are unreal. But I just have to believe that this moment IS real, and that you WILL read this, and that hopefully it will give you some hope. I wish you all the best.


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## InfantileAdult

christy said:


> Yes, I feel so many of your symptoms. Seeing things but not really "seeing" them. And being with my mom but not really feeling like she's my mom... That's one of the most heartbreaking things about the disorder. She's the closest human to me on the planet, and I love her more than anything. But sometimes I'll be looking at her, and it's as if there's this emotional "shift," and it feels like I'm looking at a stranger I haven't interacted with in 10 years.
> 
> For a while, I started asking myself things like, can I even love? Do I know what love is? But I now believe they can surpass this disorder and this state of feeling as if we have no emotion... Love and hope are more than emotions. And I believe deep inside, all people no matter what, hold the capacity for these things.


Yeah, I hate that feeling. I can't seem to see anything properly, it's incredibly hard for me to focus on anything. Colours, beautiful things and lovely photographs are meaningless to me now, whereas before they brought me so much joy. Now, it's like I look at them, my consciousness says 'that's nice' and my brain just yawns and ignores it. I hate it.

In regards to the Mum thing, I'm sorry sweetie. That must be incredibly heart breaking for you. Me and my Mum aren't really close, so it doesn't affect me the way it does you but I can still empathise with you. I, too, feel like a stranger to people I know, and love. The house I grew up in doesn't feel like it's mine, my old life is so different from my current. I feel like I've been thrown into another world, a nightmare where everything seems the same but doesn't feel the same, a video game based on me.

We can love, honey, it's just hard to connect the consciousness with the subconsciousness. I hope we get better, I really do. For me, I hope that when I sort out my clinical depression (I start therapy next week), and my possible anxiety, this DP/DR will go. Because, if I have to spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm sleeping, I will eventually kill myself.

x


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## Melissa_Z

DR for me is a living hell. I don't feel alive. I know I'm here but it doesn't feel like I am. I feel like I can only observe everything around me but I can't feel what's around me. I'm lost in this trance from hell. Nothing feels real. Nothing connects with my brain that my actions are real. Like for instance, typing this, I KNOW I'm typing this but it does not feel real to me. I feel like my life has been taken away from me. Nothing brings me joy anymore, how can something bring me joy if I simply cannot feel it. Let me tell you a little about myself before this ruined my life. Meet Melissa, Friendly, Loving, ( still am but I can't connect with people as well as I used to) Music was my passion and it still is but I just feel too depressed to listen to it anymore, I was very social, always the one to make plans and loved to spend time with my best friends and now they don't see me anymore because I'm caught in this hell. I feel like I've become a complete and utter failure to myself and to those who love me because of this fucked up condition. I used to love just spending time in my room with music on all day and all night just to get lost in my thoughts. It made me think, I loved  to think, Especially while listening to music, It captivated me, that was my escape. Now I can't bare to be in my room because I don't connect to it anymore. I used to spend a lot of time in New York City, now I can barely leave the house because I'm terrified to be anywhere because I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. My brain feels completely numb and distant from the world around me. I'm detached from everything around me. I feel blind. I can hear things and see things but being in the moment does not feel real. It feels like my brain is in a coma. I miss me. I miss her so much. I can't stop crying just thinking about it. It feels like I'm dead, like I lost myself. It feels like I've lost somebody very close to me. I had an amazing life. Always had a very caring, sensitive, and kind personality. I did daydream a lot, I always used to call myself a dreamer and I reminded myself that I lived in my own world. Maybe that's how I got stuck in this mess. I always considered myself as being very unique. I idolize the Spice Girls and Victoria Beckham, they have been a huge part of my life since 1997 and I'll always look up to them. They make me who I am and I don't care what anybody else thinks. I feel like everything that has ever made me happy has been ripped away from my soul. I want the old me back. I want to FEEL again. I want to feel alive again. I want to escape to New York City, hop on the subway, blast my iPod and get lost in my thoughts like I used too. I want to shop, I want to enjoy music, I want to connect with my friends, I want to connect with my family. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want my life back. I'm 22 years old for gods sake. I don't know what I did to deserve this.


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## InfantileAdult

Melissa_Z said:


> DR for me is a living hell. I don't feel alive. I know I'm here but it doesn't feel like I am. I feel like I can only observe everything around me but I can't feel what's around me. I'm lost in this trance from hell. Nothing feels real. Nothing connects with my brain that my actions are real. Like for instance, typing this, I KNOW I'm typing this but it does not feel real to me. I feel like my life has been taken away from me. Nothing brings me joy anymore, how can something bring me joy if I simply cannot feel it. Let me tell you a little about myself before this ruined my life. Meet Melissa, Friendly, Loving, ( still am but I can't connect with people as well as I used to) Music was my passion and it still is but I just feel too depressed to listen to it anymore, I was very social, always the one to make plans and loved to spend time with my best friends and now they don't see me anymore because I'm caught in this hell. I feel like I've become a complete and utter failure to myself and to those who love me because of this fucked up condition. I used to love just spending time in my room with music on all day and all night just to get lost in my thoughts. It made me think, I loved to think, Especially while listening to music, It captivated me, that was my escape. Now I can't bare to be in my room because I don't connect to it anymore. I used to spend a lot of time in New York City, now I can barely leave the house because I'm terrified to be anywhere because I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. My brain feels completely numb and distant from the world around me. I'm detached from everything around me. I feel blind. I can hear things and see things but being in the moment does not feel real. It feels like my brain is in a coma. I miss me. I miss her so much. I can't stop crying just thinking about it. It feels like I'm dead, like I lost myself. It feels like I've lost somebody very close to me. I had an amazing life. Always had a very caring, sensitive, and kind personality. I did daydream a lot, I always used to call myself a dreamer and I reminded myself that I lived in my own world. Maybe that's how I got stuck in this mess. I always considered myself as being very unique. I idolize the Spice Girls and Victoria Beckham, they have been a huge part of my life since 1997 and I'll always look up to them. They make me who I am and I don't care what anybody else thinks. I feel like everything that has ever made me happy has been ripped away from my soul. I want the old me back. I want to FEEL again. I want to feel alive again. I want to escape to New York City, hop on the subway, blast my iPod and get lost in my thoughts like I used too. I want to shop, I want to enjoy music, I want to connect with my friends, I want to connect with my family. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want my life back. I'm 22 years old for gods sake. I don't know what I did to deserve this.


Honey, I feel your pain. I do, I do, I do. I can totally relate. I, too, used to be a dreamer, a thinker, a bubbly, friendly, curious person. I used to feel so much, I used to see colours so beautifully, I used to feel SO much. It hurts, I know honey, it does. I can only hope that one day, we wake up x


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## skylines

I just constantly feel like I'm in a dream. Everything seems so bright. I 'space out' a lot, like, I just completely shut down for a few seconds and if I'm in the middle of speaking, I just stop. I think people have gotten used to it by now, but it's still pretty bothersome / embarrassing.


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## esc714

My symptoms, which started almost 20 years ago, came on very suddenly. I felt like my feet weren't hitting the ground as I walked. Came out of nowhere (or seemingly so). I felt extremely light-headed, dizzy, things started spinning as I walked through a parking lot. I suffered silently through a movie with a group of friends, hoping that I'd feel "normal" when the movie ended. It just got worse. Bright lights bothered me, particularly fluorescent bulbs. I still can't wear sunglasses. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at the world through a sheet a glass. Sometimes I feel like I'm on cold medicine, like my head is removed from the rest of my body. I sought out help from numerous doctors, received all kinds of diagnoses: allergies, possible thyroid condition, possible head tumor. I was prescribed Xanax, Paxil, Wellbutrin. They helped me sleep, but made me feel groggy all day. I finally found a decent psychiatrist in Washington, DC. He immediately diagnosed me with GAD (general anxiety disorder), with DP/DR as part of my symptoms. He prescribed Effexor and klonopin. I've been on these 2 meds for 16 years. This doctor saved me from going over the edge... I still have episodes, particularly when I'm anxious about family stuff. I joined this forum to gain further insight into DP/DR, and hopefully to help out others experiencing these feelings. There is hope, I am proof that things can get better. Thanks for listening (or reading!)


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## Leevi1212

I am feeling big agony. It very hard to accept my own existance and world around me. It is also very hard to concentrate on anything. At the same time I can do all kind of things, even tell jokes and laugh. Life itself seems so amazing that it is almost impossible to accept it. When I have very bad days I do not want to go to supermarket, drive car, talk to telephone or watch tv. Then (like to day) I feel very hopeless and I think I will not get over this. In other words I fear that I will not believe in my existance anymore. Weird - I know.
People who do not know about my dp/dr can´t notice what is going on my mind. They might even think that I am very well ballanced person ; )
P.S. I do not have dp/dr all the time, there may be very good times between my dp/dr periods.


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## guiltypleasures:3

My dr/dp comes usually with smoking weed but i know that im not getting feeling high confused with dr/dp because ive been smoking for 2 years and it used to be a release for me, it was fun and made me laugh and i enjoyed my highs but now almost everytime i smoke i feel the dr/dp hit hard and i just want to dissapear, and when im sober... idk. But i do know that dr/dp has stolen away the one thing that used to release me from my other everyday problems.
i think that i feel more dr than dp but here are my symptoms.
i can't get my thoughts together even when i try, and i sometimes a thought will get stuck and just replay over and over and over again.
the world looks fake, it feels to me like im sitting just centimeters away from a t.v. screen watching the world.
i feel absolutely criplingly alone even though i know others share my same experiences.
i feel like im going insane.
My Dr and (if i have it, im still not completely sure about this one) Dp started off as just small ideas that have gradually gotten worse over time and its growing worse almost every day.
I feel numb, but im not sure if thats a symptom of anything or if thats just another one of my problems. 
I feel detached from the world.
I feel like im just a character in a videogame and so i feel like im controlling myself but in reality im being controlled by someone else.
I feel like i don't know myself.
i have a huge problem describing how i feel and what i want.
I have bad memory.
When im sober things sometimes start looking weird like kind of blurry.
i feel locked in my head, i used to feel like a whole like my body was a part of me but now... not so much.
I used to feel locked in my whole head, but now i feel locked in only part of my head, the left part to be egsact.
Things that most people accept as totally normal and don't even really pay any mind to seem unfamiliar and confusing to me.
I feel insignificant.
I get this unconfortable feeling in my stomache sometimes and it feels like i shouldn't be where i am, and not like i should be somewhere else, but almost just like a... i just shouldn't Be feeling.
I feel lost, and i don't know how to even start the process of finding myself.
My worst dr/dp experience happened when i was hanging out with a group of friends and we had just finnished smoking and i was feeling pretty much fine, but then it happened. The Dr hit hard and it looked like everything was fake and not real and like it wasn't really happening and i was just watching a t.v. (but this is pretty usual for me) when all the sudden i just lost everything inside my head too. I felt like i was locked in this tiny room in the front left part of my head and the rest of me was just empty or completely numb but the worst part was in my head was that i would get waves of worse emptyness. And i know that people only conciously use part of their brain, and i felt completely, awfully, and painfully stuck there and felt like that is the only part of "me" i have, like everything that i am is locked in that tinny little space and everything else is not, even myself isn't me. And i felt like dying, it was the worst dr/dp experience ive ever had and it took everything i had to not just break right there. 
This is awful, i dont know how much longer i can handle this, it just needs to stop.


----------



## jgirl7774

I've not seen anybody about my troubles. I don't know if I should or not.. But anyway, this is how I feel...

I feel as though I can't see properly. I even went to the opticians to get my eyes checked... and my perscription is fine. I feel like my eyes aren't mine and they look where they want to. My head feels like it isn't mine, like I'm not moving it. My mind constantly talks to itself and it gives me headache. I feel like everything and everyone in the world is fake, robot-like. Feel like I'm dreaming all of the time, constantly, everything is foggy... but not physically? When I speak words come out automatically. As if my brain doesn't process the things I do or the things I say.. but I act normal, still in some sort of control, but I just don't feel like I'M doing those things? I can't concentrate on things such as driving. I don't feel real. I know I'm here but I don't feel like I am. I feel like I've lost myself and I wish I felt alive again.

I'm 19 and I fear what the rest of my life will bring. Will this go away? Are there treatments? I live in the UK.


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## SaraBro

I feel constant fear of all kinds of things. And when I don't have anxiety, I feel strange. I can enjoy myself, laugh, read, be with friends, go out partying, look at cute guys. But everything feels strange. I'm split. I have one normal side that hates DR, and then I have DR, which hates reality. I am not whole. I feel as if I don't know myself completley. Like I'm a stranger to myself to maybe 90%.


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## Superhappyconfident

I think DP comes in all kinds of forms and intensties.. mine is very heavy lately i used to have it occasionaly and turn back to 'normal'. I rather call it superconscious. I become conscioous of how weird it is to have thoughts.. omg I cant even talk about it or i get anxious coz i am startgin to get it. Its ahh fuck lol... Yeah its rly Hell.. Omg How i wish to find a girl that has something like me.. I would love to be with someone that understands me.


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## Alejandroe84

_*Hey there,

Well, Its horrible and unrelenting. I don't know how I deal with it seeing as it's 24/7, but I do for the sake of my child and wife. I tell myself that I will not sink so low and take my life. I was not raised to have that perception or thought. Seeing as its chronic I cannot seem to shake off the unreality feeling away. I'm 26 now, and I also am curious to know when I pass will I know when I actually do - because its a similar feeling (the looking down at yourself) - well, as were told.

Any who, I try to not let it take over my life, and go on with the days - going to school, spend time with family, and trying to enjoy as much "life" as I can.

Where Am I?

.... *_


----------



## jia

I got DP the first time when I was 18 years old. I had to quit school, because I couldn't focus. I felt like I had no real ties to the world, and even waking up was exhausting. But I got better, and I had a couple of good years. Now I'm back in school, and I plan on finishing this year even though the DP came back a while ago.
For me, DP steals everything that I identfy myself by. I can't listen to the music I love, because I get a weird disconnected feeling everytime I do. I can't concentrate on anything. I can look in the mirror, but not recognize the person looking back at me. When I'm at school, it feels like I'm standing still, while everything around me is moving incredibly fast. I doubt myself, and I don't trust anyone. 
I feel like I'm just doing what I know I should do.
I get confused about everything, and I can't keep up with everything happening around me.
Things that I KNOW have happened one day can seem unreal and dreamlike the other. 
It's often like I watch myself from the outside.


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## Lionheart

I'll tell you what dp/dr is. It's one big mindf*ck!


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## queeny

' timestamp= said:


> kenc - WHAT is completely maddening? I'm hoping to get decriptions of the sensations produced by DP/DR.
> 
> For example, my main symptoms are: emptiness. No sense of self. Complete, utter emptiness, as if my soul has been removed. The outside world seem right to me, it's my inside world that seems unreal. Also, exteme levels of anxiety. And I have become something of a hypochondriac, worrying about every little twitch and pain.


yes i feel the same


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## queeny

jia said:


> I got DP the first time when I was 18 years old. I had to quit school, because I couldn't focus. I felt like I had no real ties to the world, and even waking up was exhausting. But I got better, and I had a couple of good years. Now I'm back in school, and I plan on finishing this year even though the DP came back a while ago.
> For me, DP steals everything that I identfy myself by. I can't listen to the music I love, because I get a weird disconnected feeling everytime I do. I can't concentrate on anything. I can look in the mirror, but not recognize the person looking back at me. When I'm at school, it feels like I'm standing still, while everything around me is moving incredibly fast. I doubt myself, and I don't trust anyone.
> I feel like I'm just doing what I know I should do.
> I get confused about everything, and I can't keep up with everything happening around me.
> Things that I KNOW have happened one day can seem unreal and dreamlike the other.
> It's often like I watch myself from the outside.


its awful feeling. like my memories fading away. what happend an hour again, seems like never happend. ist so scary. also altered sense of time.


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## Surfingisfun001

DP for me is like that movie "Jumanji". A boy is playing a game in which he rolls dice and the game plunges him into a foreign jungle all alone for 20 years.


----------



## Guest

surfingisfun001 said:


> DP for me is like that movie "Jumanji". A boy is playing a game in which he rolls dice and the game plunges him into a foreign jungle all alone for 20 years.


Totally relate to this.


----------



## somebodyelse

I don't know whether i have this disorder- i have just started seeing a psychiatrist- but often i find myself feelin like the world isn't quite real, like it's just in front of my face the way a dream is, and if I blink hard enough or focus hard enough on waking up, then I will wake up and be back in the real world. Or maybe it's a drug trip and i'm just waiting to come down. I occasionally loose time and I worry about things that don't make sense- like if there's a lull in the conversation, I have panic attacls wondering if I sai someting mean that i was thinking and now can't remember.

Bright flourescent lights make me really nervous. Sometimes things feel strange like my perception is off- like the sky feels really close sometimes, sometimes I almost think that I'm going to hit my head on the moon. Sometimes I feel like there's a gap between me and my face, and none of the expressions that my face can make actually express what's happening inside of me. Sometimes i feel like theres this weird, gleeful, manic malevolence that lives inside of me, and it might escape and I would break and start doing something really nuts, like just start screaming, or start hitting and biting, or yelling gibberish. It feeds off of pain and it likes being mean. I hate when that part of me feels strong because it scares me.

I often have to be very careful when I talk to remember that real people don't react to things the way that me and my ideas of people do. I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it.

Sometimes I accidentally tell lies, not usually when it would be smart or beneficial to me, but just about little things, because I can't quite remember the right answers but I don't have time to think about it and still stay in the conversation, or because I'm telling a story about something that happened and it makes the story go better.

I sometimes find myself obsessed with tiny things that make no sense or aren't important- like I once saw a typewriter for sale that i sort of wanted but didn't buy. I worked myself up into a frenzy thinkng about it and wondering if it was on sale or gone or whatever, and when i finally called the guy after making this huge thing out of it and he told me it was gone, i just didn't care, it was the not knowing that made me nuts.

Sometimes I feel fake, and sometimes I get freaked out at how artificial the world is- i just mull over it until it makes me feel nuts.

I'm really spacey and absent minded.

I often think too much about social situations, picking them apart, until i start to panic.

i often wonder "what's really happening?"

I'll be completely certain one minute that one thing is irrevocably certainly true, and a few hours later i'll be just as certain about the opposite. A lot of the time in the middle is spent trying to figure it out. any tiny piece of evidence in one direction or another can bring me to the other side, even if it's mostly imagined evidence.

i keep remembering things and adding them... sometimes i'm not sure if other people are me. especially pictures. what if everyone's just me?


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## somebodyelse

MagdaLena said:


> New here and been reading this thread for a couple hours- trying to get a feel and just being blown away at other people putting "feelings" I have daily into words I have never been able to express. I had an appt. with my psych today- who is amazing and in the session, she mention D.I.D and I came home and looked it up (she didn't say she thinks I have it, but something triggered her mentioning it) and I found Depersonalization on my own and it's like reading something from inside myself. Especially a lot of what you all had to say about it on here.
> 
> I feel empty and alone, though I am never physically alone. I feel like I'm screaming on the inside constantly but get no external relief. I copied from other posters certain statements that really struck me (I hope that's ok) to put out there what I could not find the words for until I found this forum. I seriously feel as though I am losing my feeble grip on reality and sanity.
> These are the statements that spoke to me- (again, from other posters)
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> - excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
> - excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
> - anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
> - anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
> - sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
> - sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
> - sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations
> 
> Empty, blank, unable to engage, disconnected from what I am doing, sort of dead in my eyes, observer of others, separated, pane of glass, stupefied, have to force myself to do things, robot-like, no thoughts; no feelings; wordless, lack of emotional response to things, lack of connection, dead, can't remember anything very much; feeling distant or estranged from friends and people I know, empty, empty, empty, nothing there, no sense of self, preoccupied with state, wondering if this is dp. That kind of thing. the usual and on it goes.
> 
> *Knowing who i am but not "feeling"who iam.
> *Feeling cut off from my self-know i'm there somewhere but can't seem to connect with myself.
> *Feeling like a shell of a being.
> *Empty but sometimes too full.
> *Cut off from emotions-don't feel them.
> *Audio sensory overload-Sounds become too loud.All jumble up like a crowded room in my head.Can't focus on just one sound it all just becomes noise.
> *Some smells become too overwhelming and make me feel sick.
> Tactile defensiveness-Can't stand to be touched as when i am all i can feel is that part being touched-like im hyperaware of it.Then the rest of me dissapears.
> *Thoughts of impending doom.
> *Thoughts that im going crazy. And what does that mean anyway to be crazy?
> *Hyperventalating.
> *Shaking
> *Heart flutters-im going to have a heart attack!
> *Constant scanning of my environment for any sighns of danger.
> *A feeling of i need to get out of here.
> **Surge attacks-where i feel like a electrical current has been put through my body.* <----- I HATE THIS- WHAT IS THIS??


the electrical current thing- other people have that? I have that when I'm in bed sometimes.. I think it's just a dream... but sometimes I get scared that I'm in a hospital and they're defibrillating me and i don't know it.


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## somebodyelse

WelshMan said:


> I CONSTANTLY do this. I think people have actually caught me doing it too and thought i was crazy (I did it one while on the toilet in work) Have you found a solution to your problem so far?
> 
> WELSHMAN


I do it too... I know it's wired... but if I don't practice then I often don't know the right things to say... it's super embarassing when people catch you at it... I just try to remember not to do it in public.


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## Hugo

It's odd, I have always felt that nobody could ever feel this way, yet strange that not everyone feels this way.

I have felt this way for years now, never knew you actually had a name or anything for it, sometimes I still think it is my imagination.

I feel as though I am sitting inside my head, watching the world as though from a giant robot. Looking out of its eyes. Haha this sounds so dumb reading it back to myself. 
Someone mentioned feeling as though standing with people, and they all look fuzzy, but also as if standing behind a two way mirror, watching myself interact with people, it's like it;s not me. Most of the things my body does feels abnormal, for instance typing right now. It feels as though I am watching fingers slide across the keyboard but they aren't mine.

I find myself doing more and more things automatically, and then I only become 'aware' after a few minutes and I cannot remember what I did. Things like locking my car, or switching an alarm on etc.

I feel very dissociated from people, sometimes I look at my parents and wonder who these people are, because I feel no connection whatsoever with them.
I have trouble connecting to almost everyone, even my closest friends feel strange to me, and I feel as if I never hear from then again, it won't even bug me.

These days it doesn't bother me anymore, when I look at life it isn't all that great so not being connected with it makes it way easier for me to feel content and not let anything bug me. Also I read that many people feel they are down and can't do anything, to me it is the opposite. I feel in control of my body, so that I don't feel lazy at all, it's like telling a robot what to do. It's way easier for me to do things because my body feels seperate from my mind which then in turn feels separate from "ME", so I just bark orders and my body has to willingly follow. This is only when I am not busy in my mind, since when I am thinking, the whole world gets tuned out and it is once again as though I am sitting in my head, and the body is going on with physical stuff. When I think about all this now it seems so dumb, yet it is just the way it is. Odd.

I am glad I found this website though, it is great knowing that I am not the only one feeling this way. It is strange, most people tell me I'm weird but not in a bad way but I don't notice it, maybe I am different from them.

There are other oddities but I guess this is enough for now.


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## diamonds&rust

Hey everyone, I'm new to the boards. Also I've realised only a short while ago that the stuff that has been going on all my life could be dp/dr related symptoms. I got 45 from Steinberg test and my ACE score was 9.

My situation today is pretty good when I compare it to what it used to be like. Dissociation from my family and friends is one thing that prevails. At work where I meet clients and co-workers it's not that bad, because those relationships are superficial and it's my work role I'm using there. In private life however, it's different. I'm trying to find the right words here (English isn't my mother tongue). Interaction with my family and friends feels artificial, and they bore me, because I don't understand the way they react to things. The adjective "artificial" refers to what I feel like about communication. It's meaningless, and I feel like I'm lightyears away. It makes me feel invisible. I feel invisible often with other people, or when I'm walking in the street. Sometimes it bothers me, but in the end of the day, I prefer to be disconnected. Situations where you are supposed to feel togetherness with others are the worst because that's when I feel most disconnected. They either make me feel like it's all staged and I'm acting, or I see it will all fall apart any minute. Close to the loved ones, I feel lonely or void of feelings. My daughter is an expection.

It's really difficult to write these things down. Lots of my symptoms have been body-related. When I consider my whole life, some days I feel fine but other days my body feels very awkward and uncomfortable. It's like being in wrong body, or body is my enemy. It's made of pieces that don't fit together, and I pay too much attention to how it feels. Various parts of my body seem to have a life of their own, and they feel hostile. Also clothes feel bad, and it enfuriates me. Many times this has made me wish that I could move around without my body. I've never had an out of body experience, but when I relax thoroughly I feel like my body disappears, when I only can feel my head. It's one of the best feelings ever.

All this sounds like I enjoy some of the dp/dr symptoms. Actually, I think I do.

Other stuff that I've had are a feeling that there is a glass wall between me and the rest of the world, but I don't feel that anymore; an alter who kept visiting for a year or so, also that has passed (we became one again, I think he helped me through a stressful time); seeing colourful fogs or lights that seemed to move as if there was a consciousness behind them. The first time I saw that phenomenon it kept moving in a dark room between a music box and a drawing of a bird







. Yeah, I know, it's crazy. Those lights were really very nice, I wish I could still see them. I've also seen other things during my life, and the good thing has been that while most of them were negative/scary/depressing when I was little, like visual noise that included very scary faces, and nasty recurring nightmares of labyrinths, drowning and monsters, most of the visual experiences in recent years have been very comforting.

One thing that has disappeared almost completely was a weird feeling that used to hit me suddenly every now and then, it was like a mental seizure or something like that. When it started, everything felt so completely empty of meaning that I wasn't able to do anything or speak to anyone during it. I just had to stop and wait for it to go away, which it always did after a minute. There wasn't a triggering factor, it could start anywhere, anytime. My description of it doesn't reflect at all how striking it was. These days I have it very rarely, and I think it has something to do with junk food. Normally I eat very healthily.

I've also had lots of difficulties in recognizing and remembering people, even a few people who I've seen on a regular basis for years. It's embarassing and I'm sure it all seems very weird to other people. 
The two things that have helped me to heal are music and exercise. Even though I'm sensitive to hard sounds, I like hard rock.








Well, this is what I could come up with so far. I'm looking forward to all sorts of useful info on the forum, but the best thing of all is that I've found a community of people who are dealing with the same kind of problems I've been trying to sort out by myself for such a long time. It makes me feel a little less lonely.


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## addd

I feel like being on low dose of psychedelics (which I also tried while being DP'ed, what a terrifying experience, suprisingly it didn't make my DD worse), thinking all time mostly about what illness could cause my DP/DR.


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## Sharuf

SoulBrotha said:


> i can't even fuckin think straight, like i was just gonna go drop somethin off to this kid, thinking that i had a car, & when i went outside to go to it i realized that my dad has the car & won't be home until before i go to work. I dunno if its this hot weather or what, but i feel so shitty, its like i just wanna crawl up into a ball & die. Im gettin sick of work to, it just gets so boring, all i do is stock shelves & bail cardboard & shit like that. The only good thing is the place is air conditioned.
> 
> I have a question, that im hopeing someone can answer. Do you think that the time that i go to sleep can have an effect on me. Like last night i went to sleep at about 1:30 am & woke up at about 11. Now thats 10 hours sleep, which should be more than enough, but i still feel tired & knocked out. Is it because i went to bed late & woke up late? Like would there be a difference if i say went to sleep at i dunno , 11 and woke up at maybe 9:30, 10 ? that would actually be 10 & a half hours sleep or 11 hours depending, but would the actual times make me feel better?


I've herd that a good night sleep helps it heaps so it is worth a shot


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## michele1

i have that feeling about those words too! whoa someone who i can relate to


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## AllAlone322

(Added more symptoms to original post.)

This is how I have summed up what it is like for me:

-Loss is time
-Loss of direction
-Loss of dimension 
-Loss of depth perception
-A "mental dizziness" 
-Like being trapped in a mirror
-Like being stuck in dream
-Like being on a ride you can't get off 
-Like I am on a bad drug that I didn't take
-Immobilizing

If one could harness this and project it to someone else, one could win any battle. It's simply that immobilizing to me.

My Remedies:

-Realize that you are not alone
-Imagine it to be a big monster, full of air--that you simply stick a pin into.
-Realize that you have had so many episodes, that it becomes (Ho Hum) boring and no longer affects you
-Exercise/Sun/Fresh air/good nutrition
-Little or no caffeine or build a tolerance to caffeine 
-Meditation - Find your own imaginary place to go to (a small room with switches in which to control your emotions)
-Imagine yourself descending further down a well while concentrating on seeing the opening become smaller and smaller
-Valerian or Melatonin/Valerian
-Avoid Marijuana unless you feel good enough (stable/balanced) that you think you can handle it 
-Altho alcohol works, do not depend on it because it will worsen the condition
-Find and concentrate on your talent (It will actually put you in "The Zone" in which you will become immune to an episode 
-Do not dwell on the universe, time, self-worth, or "drinking around the campfire talk" w/ friends
-Classical/Trance/Space music is calming
-Square Breathing - slow down your breathing
-Try to "go with it") very hard sometimes)
-Squinting (believe it or not)
-Closing one eye (believe it or not)

Question: Is this something that is being done to us? An experiment?

My conclusion is that this is a hormonal imbalance. When I'm feeling good physically, I am not as susceptible.

Please feel free to friend me, express yourself to me, or ask question of me.


----------



## AllAlone322

AllAlone322 said:


> This is how I have summed up what it is like for me:
> 
> -Loss is time
> -Loss of direction
> -Loss of dimension
> -Loss of depth perception
> -A "mental dizziness"
> -Like being trapped in a mirror
> -Like being stuck in dream
> -Like being on a ride you can't get off
> -Like I am on a bad drug that I didn't take
> -Immobilizing
> -Like being lost in my own mind
> -I forget a thought I just had--or don't even know whether or not I have just had a particular thought
> -Like I will never come out of it
> -Like no one else can ever experience this
> -Like I am alone in the universe and have created a "false reality" of other people, places, and things
> -Like I am God; all alone
> 
> If one could harness this and project it to someone else, one could win any battle. It's simply that immobilizing to me.
> 
> My Remedies:
> 
> -Realize that you are not alone
> -Imagine it to be a big monster, full of air--that you simply stick a pin into.
> -Realize that you have had so many episodes, that it becomes (Ho Hum) boring and no longer affects you
> -Exercise/Sun/Fresh air/good nutrition
> -Little or no caffeine or build a tolerance to caffeine
> -Meditation - Find your own imaginary place to go to (a small room with switches in which to control your emotions)
> -Imagine yourself descending further down a well while concentrating on seeing the opening become smaller and smaller
> -Valerian or Melatonin/Valerian
> -Avoid Marijuana unless you feel good enough (stable/balanced) that you think you can handle it
> -Altho alcohol works, do not depend on it because it will worsen the condition
> -Find and concentrate on your talent (It will actually put you in "The Zone" in which you will become immune to an episode
> -Do not dwell on the universe, time, self-worth, or "drinking around the campfire talk" w/ friends
> -Classical/Trance/Space music is calming
> -Square Breathing - slow down your breathing
> -Try to "go with it") very hard sometimes)
> -Squinting (believe it or not)
> -Closing one eye (believe it or not)
> 
> Question: Is this something that is being done to us? An experiment?
> 
> My conclusion is that this is a hormonal imbalance. When I'm feeling good physically, I am not as susceptible.
> 
> Please feel free to friend me, express yourself to me, or ask question of me.


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## Surfingisfun001

DP/DR for me is like missing out on the biggest party on earth because someone locked me in a torture chamber.


----------



## Ubiquity

I feel like I'm moving through life on automatic mode. I feel like this isn't my body but I'm just stuck in it, being an observer. I've looked in the mirror and felt that that wasn't really me, even though I know it is. I have trouble remembering really exciting or happy experiences because I feel as if they didn't happen to me. The more I want to remember something the harder it actually is. I also have a very difficult time dealing with my emotional detachments. My friends have called me a heartless robot because I can't seem to care about much. My boyfriend has a hard time understanding me and its really hard to express my feelings to him. Its hard to relate to people and its hard to enjoy things. Im not happy unless im doing something exciting because I really just want to feel as much as I can.


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## berinerdiskutant

hello,
there can be bright days again. if i could give you some helpful advice, i would do so. but everything is said already. and maybe everyone has to find his own way in the end. greetings from berlin.


----------



## Edwards

Well, not alone then! I've been living with what I've spent 20 years describing as 'Camera Head' for most of my 46 year life. I've yet to meet anyone who understood what I meant by that, but came close a couple of years ago with a high performing Autistic man that was at a garden party thrown by a mutual acquaintance. Needless to say, he had little sympathy/empathy but did nod and say 'oh, yes' quite a lot...

My 'symptons' include the obvious - viewing the world as if it's on TV ( I kid you not, wearing spectacles doesn't help - it's a different 'edit' with contact lenses).

'This has nothing to do with me' syndrome. 'What hasn't?' 'Anything'. Cannot decide whether or not: I am the only sentient being in the universe (not God, you understand, perhaps 'the last' rather than 'the only') Or: I am so mad that I'm in a padded room and I'm just projecting all of this (and potentially making a fortune for some quack doctor in the process).

'Have to touch it' syndrome - Is that glass real? I'll only know when I've touched it. That's fine so long as the object is cool, weighs less than a couple of tons and isn't moving (train, truck, girl on a bicycle (sorry, girl on a bicycle, I was having a particularly odd day))

'This song/movie/TV show is about me' - I know damn well that it isn't - but think that others will see/hear it and suddenly have a greater understanding of me...they never do of course!'

I have managed to hold down a job for most of my adult life (though always under achieve in this regard due in part to DP I'm sure, pay my bills etc. Relationships? Oh, yeah, that. I'm too cracked and I know it. Cannot afford to fall for anyone - as they will inevitably run off when they find out just how barking I really am.

I should say that 99% of the time, I do not feel sorry for myself - an sometimes actually revel in the fact that most people don't 'Get It'. People with DP - has it occurred to you that we might be seeing the real picture?

I enjoy the surrealism and the 'outthereness'. I positively enjoy it. What is hard is to suppress it long enough to go to work, dinner etc.

Oh, I'm rambling...


----------



## AllAlone322

Edwards said:


> Well, not alone then! I've been living with what I've spent 20 years describing as 'Camera Head' for most of my 46 year life. I've yet to meet anyone who understood what I meant by that, but came close a couple of years ago with a high performing Autistic man that was at a garden party thrown by a mutual acquaintance. Needless to say, he had little sympathy/empathy but did nod and say 'oh, yes' quite a lot...
> 
> My 'symptons' include the obvious - viewing the world as if it's on TV ( I kid you not, wearing spectacles doesn't help - it's a different 'edit' with contact lenses).
> 
> 'This has nothing to do with me' syndrome. 'What hasn't?' 'Anything'. Cannot decide whether or not: I am the only sentient being in the universe (not God, you understand, perhaps 'the last' rather than 'the only') Or: I am so mad that I'm in a padded room and I'm just projecting all of this (and potentially making a fortune for some quack doctor in the process).
> 
> 'Have to touch it' syndrome - Is that glass real? I'll only know when I've touched it. That's fine so long as the object is cool, weighs less than a couple of tons and isn't moving (train, truck, girl on a bicycle (sorry, girl on a bicycle, I was having a particularly odd day))
> 
> 'This song/movie/TV show is about me' - I know damn well that it isn't - but think that others will see/hear it and suddenly have a greater understanding of me...they never do of course!'
> 
> I have managed to hold down a job for most of my adult life (though always under achieve in this regard due in part to DP I'm sure, pay my bills etc. Relationships? Oh, yeah, that. I'm too cracked and I know it. Cannot afford to fall for anyone - as they will inevitably run off when they find out just how barking I really am.
> 
> I should say that 99% of the time, I do not feel sorry for myself - an sometimes actually revel in the fact that most people don't 'Get It'. People with DP - has it occurred to you that we might be seeing the real picture?
> 
> I enjoy the surrealism and the 'outthereness'. I positively enjoy it. What is hard is to suppress it long enough to go to work, dinner etc.
> 
> Oh, I'm rambling...


On a "normal", feeling good day, do you still wonder whether or not you are perceiving the world as someone who does not have what we have? I'm convinced that this is hormonal; there are days that I feel so good (in balance) that nothing can affect me. Other days, I feel nervous to begin with.

Many years ago, a doctor my mother took me to pegged this as too much caffeine. I was only 9 years old but was drinking several cups of coffee a day and was not able to function on the baseball field. I was prescribed Hydroxyzine (sold as Vistaril, Atarax) and that worked. However, I will not allow myself to depend on drugs or alcohol.

I am a photographer. Recently, a did a foto shoot with a girl and I shot her reflection in a television that was tuned off. The pic very much resembles--or reminds me of--DP. I also shot her reflection in thick, dark window glass and it too gives me the same impression. If you like, I will send you (or anyone else who is curious) the images.

You are very correct about people not getting it. As much as a do not wish this on anyone, I would like them to be able to feel it just one time so they know what it's like. I have been thinking of way to induce the feeling in a person who does not have DP. I imagine sitting in a room of mirror walls for some time might induce an episode. That's something that would certainly do it for me.


----------



## Ashtad bin Sayyif

Basically-mine comes and goes, although when symptoms first appeared they didn't go away or even lessen a little for months on end-it feels like this: normally, it feels like "I" am the thing standing behind, and driving, "my" thought processes and actions.

When DP hits, it feels like my thought process has been turned on 'autopilot,' my visual field has become a movie screen, and "I" have been jerked out from on top of my mind and stuffed in the back of my head, strapped down with eyes peeled wide open just forced to stare at that visual field and listen to those autopilot thoughts, with no control over any of it and no relation to any of it. People I know speak to me and I find myself panicking, trying to pretend to be the person that they knew without letting on that I'm really just this inhuman 'thing' trapped inside that person's head, inheriting his memories as if they were someone else's diary.

How's that for a description? :/


----------



## mjackob

Hi, I am new to this forum and depersonalization. My episodes started about a month ago and seemingly came out of nowhere. I do have a very stressful life, but it was not particularly stressful the day I had my enormous panic attack that started all of this.

I haven't read through all of the comments here, so I am unsure if my symptoms are definitely depersonlization/derealization but I have thoroughly read the Wikipedia articles and it seems to be somewhat similar to what I am experiencing.

These are ruining my life by the way. I am a young mom of twins and it is taking such a toll on everything I do.

I get a depersonalisation event almost once a day, sometimes a little less, that lasts until I take my xanax. I haven't been able to get through one without it, they are too scary.

I feel like I am on the verge of a stroke or seizure or something. I feel like at any moment I am going to lose my ability to speak, or that I'm going to collapse. I never do, of course. I start to imagine that I am going to stop being able to understand what people are saying around me. I start shaking, I tense up everywhere, having muscle spasms. Some of this of course is part of the panic associated with it. I also feel extremely fuzzy...not dizzy, my vision isn't really blurry, but I just feel well, out of reality. I just want to hide away somewhere from it and I can't, no matter what I do. I feel like my hands are detached from my body, my legs feel 100 lbs each. I try to think as realistically as I can about it and there is just nothing I can do to make it go away on it's own,however I haven't made it past 30 minutes without taking a xanax.

I am healthy, have never done drugs besides pot years ago, but I was on Buspar for anxiety before this all started and had slowly weaned myself off. I had xanax in case of anxiety attacks as well. Now I am back on Buspar, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have a feeling that these drugs messed me up, if I don't just have a brain tumor or something. I'm terrified to go get a brain scan even though I'm not having any REAL physical issues and they always go away with xanax.


----------



## AllAlone322

mjackob said:


> Hi, I am new to this forum and depersonalization. My episodes started about a month ago and seemingly came out of nowhere. I do have a very stressful life, but it was not particularly stressful the day I had my enormous panic attack that started all of this.
> 
> I haven't read through all of the comments here, so I am unsure if my symptoms are definitely depersonlization/derealization but I have thoroughly read the Wikipedia articles and it seems to be somewhat similar to what I am experiencing.
> 
> These are ruining my life by the way. I am a young mom of twins and it is taking such a toll on everything I do.
> 
> I get a depersonalisation event almost once a day, sometimes a little less, that lasts until I take my xanax. I haven't been able to get through one without it, they are too scary.
> 
> I feel like I am on the verge of a stroke or seizure or something. I feel like at any moment I am going to lose my ability to speak, or that I'm going to collapse. I never do, of course. I start to imagine that I am going to stop being able to understand what people are saying around me. I start shaking, I tense up everywhere, having muscle spasms. Some of this of course is part of the panic associated with it. I also feel extremely fuzzy...not dizzy, my vision isn't really blurry, but I just feel well, out of reality. I just want to hide away somewhere from it and I can't, no matter what I do. I feel like my hands are detached from my body, my legs feel 100 lbs each. I try to think as realistically as I can about it and there is just nothing I can do to make it go away on it's own,however I haven't made it past 30 minutes without taking a xanax.
> 
> I am healthy, have never done drugs besides pot years ago, but I was on Buspar for anxiety before this all started and had slowly weaned myself off. I had xanax in case of anxiety attacks as well. Now I am back on Buspar, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have a feeling that these drugs messed me up, if I don't just have a brain tumor or something. I'm terrified to go get a brain scan even though I'm not having any REAL physical issues and they always go away with xanax.


Do you think that having twins might have thrown off your hormones, resulting in your attacks?


----------



## Laura41

surfingisfun001 said:


> DP/DR for me is like missing out on the biggest party on earth because someone locked me in a torture chamber.


Couldn't put it better myself .


----------



## Lvik

Like hell.


----------



## Guest

like hell.... I feel like a totally different person, I used to be happy, social,outgoing, and most importantly I used to be myself. Now I just feel like I live in my head and I'm so distant from everything. My actions seem like they aren't mine because I literally think about everything I do now. I am self conscious and I fu***ng hate it. I just want to be ME again and I want this to go away. I just want to be in reality again.


----------



## Aridity

Really,I dont even know what I'm feeling anymore if this world is even real,or that I'm just going crazy I hear thoughts out-loud IN my mind and I say them It's driving me really crazy. I have the worst DR feeling ever like I'm in a dream and looking through a Coke bottle at life, and I only have this for about a month but I'm already done with it I can't live like this really. It's so so so bad the worst feeling I have ever felt and I still think I rather described it like it's nothing when in reality IT'SO WAY WORSE I have millions and millions of thoughts in my mind and I can't concentrate on any of them because I dont even know what I'm thinking it's rather brain activity than thoughts. Also as I type this I have the feeling that somebody else is typing for me. I didn't go to a doctor or a Shrink yet,but I definitely need to,as I have the feeling that I'm going to lose this battle so bad,it's getting worse and worse with the day. I also noticed that it got WORSE when I realized that I had DR really weird huh? Like I lived with it for a 2 weeks or so and it was bearable but then when I started googling and stuff and I saw that I had DR it suddenly got way worse and I started worrying about everything thinking I have every-single mental illness. Yesterday was pretty much my worst night ever I couldn't think and when I tried to think another thought popped up and I said to myself in my head why am I thinking this and reapeated itself over and over and over again,I couldn't take it anymore. It's so bad for me,and I'm only 17 years old my life hasn't even started yet I haven't accomplished anything in life and I need to take on with this shit disease,WHY ME? What did I do that I deserve this crap,I cry atleast once a day just because it makes me feel a bit better. I know that I'm not going crazy because I can divide reality with my mind I know the difference,but sometimes I think I'm really going to lose this battle and that I end up crazy. I'm hopeless already only after one month,I can't understand people that they live with this for years,I can't see myself having this for a year,I'm in a black hole nothing makes me happy or gets my hopes up. Ugh God please help me! Good luck to everyone!


----------



## photoshopped

glad to see this forum. I went on a short backpacking trip this week that ended poorly.

I have often read about DP but always kind of thought it was BS, though I had many of the symptoms. I just didn't really believe in disorders on many levels. all my shortcomings must have been laziness or weakness. And all my failures were attributed to my flaws.

Even if the disorder did exist, I didn't have it. I was just bullshitting the world to get out of things. I still am rather sure this is at least partially true. I don't want to do anything except sit at home. I don't care much for people, though I have some good friends and some bad, still.

This hiking trip ended in me really realizing that I may have a problem. It's so hard to wrap my head around this concept. Because the problem I've known about - social anxiety, 'paranoia,' depression - is seemingly very tied in with the depersonalization.

I had experienced terror from the strangeness on many occasions, sometimes lasting long periods. It could happen nightly or daily, feeling totally out of myself. Floating. But if I said those things outloud it would be like a pile of bullshit. Because part of me really likes going there, I feel special because those places are evidently completely out of reach for most 'normal' people.

In a way this makes me feel better because 'normal' people can do other things - but they can't do this. So I don't have to _just_ see myself as mentally ill. So I will hold onto this part of the DP.

The bad:

I often become terrified. I feel isolated, alone. I feel perplexed at existence. I feel like I can see existence in a totally different way than before - from after I smoked Salvia 5 years or more ago.

That trip, those trips - were so powerful. And I think detrimental, though until recently I assumed they were extraordinarily positive experiences. And honestly, I think there were some seriously positive elements. I feel as though I have been granted a new way of seeing the world. But I'm not sure that's the only thing. It borders on schizophrenia sometimes, the feeling of being tied in with third forces. Sometimes I wish I could just stop feeling that way, and function in a normal way, without being in 'overdrive.'

But the second I would 'come down to earth' -

This post has devolved into a single personality point of view. I'm sure some of you know what I mean.

I feel as though I have no single identity. Any given day feels like a totally new identity and way of life. I might be zany and magical, the next I might be depressed and sedated, the next I might be spaced out and intelligent, the next I might be a sex machine, the next I might be truly one of the most depressingly isolated people ever. And no, I don't love myself through all of this, though some of these identities I mentioned seem to imply that I love myself. I do really, really love myself sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a super genius. And in some ways, I do right now believe I am. And this is something I don't want to let go of.

Who can judge?

But sometimes I do not love myself. Sometimes, quite often actually, I feel as though I am doing absolutely everything wrong. From the bottom up. And sometimes I look at myself and wonder, 'where did I go wrong? what the fuck happened? how did I get here, how is this possible? what is this fucking life? what the fuck is going on? why me? why does this hurt? why did everything seem so OK before and now why does it seem so sad and so long ago, why does it seem so hopeless?'

it is this feeling of looking at my own life through what I might call 'alien eyes' that I might say is DP. I feel no sense of self, or hadn't for a long time. And this isn't buddhism or taoism. I'm sure of it. In some ways I have some level of mastery over those concepts, it's true. But the fact is, salvia can grant that power to certain people. But perhaps it's not the true power. The feeling it may be responsible for leaving me with seems so much more like a disease than a blessing. Then again, perhaps it's just part of the struggle I have been dealt. So much of me can't imagine it any other way, than to be drifting above myself. Why would I want it any other way?

I would want it because I am starting to desire to enjoy the fruits of life, the beautiful things people do daily. I want to make a difference. These are just simple facts. It's coming back to me. There is a life here, there are things to do, there are people who are very nice, there are things you can experience. But these diseases seem to make them more difficult.

I have been somehow managing to regain a 'sense of self.' A feeling of 'being here.' Being part of the world. This is the way out of DP. We have to regain our idea of 'who we are.' And this comes after a lot of work, I would imagine. But maybe it's not hard work. Maybe it's just going through the next year or so with this in mind - who am I? And by the time the year is over you will be surprised, because you won't have had to do anything for it.You'll still have the ability to travel into that place if you wish, but you will also have the 'grounded' side to return to when you want to experience the love in this world.

I speak like I've made serious progress, it's more just optimism above.

I wish I could wear a sign that said: 'nothing I do or say means anything, disregard it. I don't take anybody around me seriously in the least, I don't trust anybody, I don't trust myself or take myself seriously. I don't want to experience pain, I want to experience joy. forgive me if I come off in a odd ways, it means nothing. don't you know that? so i apologize, any negative thought or cruelty i allow myself is a total accident.'

blah~!

forward movement. Bottom line is, I want to experience love and connection, and DP makes this extremely difficult. So I'm ready to move on. But doesn't the buddha say 'love and connection' are pretty much bullshit? Isn't compassion totally different from love/connection? Don't we have to cope with this isolation?

Read the tao!


----------



## photoshopped

by the way, anybody who thinks marijuana is harmless, *go fuck yourself.*

I can't stand when people say that. I think if you have any mental problems at all, put it down. You should probably put down alcohol too, but seriously. Just stop with the drugs. You need to face reality without that stuff, trust me. I was through it, only a half year ago I took 2CE and I was already deep enough in the pit.

Staying away from pot, even just in small amounts, is a no brainer. Let other people sit on the fucking couch to 'blaze' and watch horrific television advertisements. The whole thing is just truly horrifying to me. No wonder I feel so isolated when everyone around me doesn't even think twice about sitting through television ads without saying a single word.


----------



## Blythe Taylor

I'm an alien to my own world


----------



## strawberryavalanche

Well, I've been telling my parents about my feelings of DP (didn't know it had a name) and they sort of just shrugged it off. I'm interested in the range presented here though.

For me DP comes in two different forms: sometimes I feel like I am having an out of body experience and am watching myself. I am aware that I am watching myself, I know that something is "wrong" and it sometimes triggers an anxiety attack such as when I am driving and suddenly feel like I'm not there. I've never noticed any emotions being numbed--at least I am able to feel anxiety. I do not prefer this form and would get rid of it if I could.

The other way my DP manifests is also sort of an out of body experience, but I feel more connected with the universe. I zoom out (like you would on a computer) and get the out of body experience, but it feels like something (me) is looking in at the world. I become hyperaware that I am on this little rock spinning, that people are moving around me, but that the body is standing still experiencing it. I would say it's almost spiritual and although it causes anxiety sometimes (when I contemplate my mind having thoughts and dying etc) this is the version that I would not necessarily want to give up...as long as I am not driving.

So that's me. People look at me like I am insane when I try to explain it, or just looking for attention, hopefully I won't get that same reception in this place =)


----------



## renee ashlee

well, my DP is pretty much a constant thing. i dont really feel like things are a dream when i'm by myself, thats why i prefer to be by myself. when i leave my house and hang out with friends and family, that's when its the worst. it's gotten pretty bad the past few years because everything feels like a dream. i know logically everything thats happening is reality, but it's hard to feel like it is reality and not a dream. and when i do feel like it is reality, i start having really bad anxiety. i just want it to stop, i want to feel like whats happening is reality. im hoping this will be gone soon.


----------



## Idontknowmeeeee

Not only is this poetic, but also very true. That's how I've seen it for so long. Word for word. This is my first visit to the site, and it's hard to believe what I'm seeing. It's nice to know there are people who I can relate to.


----------



## Danny Depersonalized

It's hell. There's a fear that this is my body, dying, which I shrug off, because I've already been to the ER, and turned out healthy.

But I'm just not there. Ya know? I'm staring through everything, through a glass wall. The reality's there, and I'm not in it. And objects and people are foreign. It's truly shit.


----------



## Lock

Like my mental state is stuck in a twilight. Like im watching myself threw a small fogged up window. Like hell.


----------



## colleen

hello, My names colleen and im 17 years old. my dr/dp started around last year sometime, im not exactly sure its taken quite a toll on my memory. Its like every memory before dr i can remember perfectly, details and all but since the time the dr started to now just seems like a blur. My dr is not from smoking weed, Its from anxiety, it runs in my family i just so happened to get the burden of it. a day with dr for me is the same everyday, but i still havent been able to get used to it. I wake up feeling like im dreaming and it lasts throughout the day. sometimes it gets so bad i feel like im completely going to jsut fade away and something terrible is going to happened. i like to alone because its not as bad, but while im with people i have to sit there and remind myself "if i wasnt here or something was happening they would know.". when im occupied im fine, but my dr has gotten so bad i hardly ever leave my house so i just sit here all day and think which causes me to freak out and get nervous. before i forget i want to say, I feel for all of you. and i love talking to people who understand. so if your interested my email is [email protected], please dont hesitate to talk. im going to college for psychology so maybe i could offer you some advice and we can both help each other. but anyways, although this isnt the symptoms post ill talk about my symptoms as well, the ones that bother me the most are - feeling weightless and my body just not looking normal, feeling like the ground is moving while im walking, sitting or standing. feeling like im going to pass out scares me the most, it has kept me in bed for days on end just because im afraid what might happen. mood swings also effect me, i feel like ive become such an angry person because of this and i take it out on everybody. when it comes to fears, i fear everything honestly. cars, crowded places and death, i sit and think about life and death a majority of the day, life kind of just stopped making sense to me, like why are we here and where do we go? it scares me. there are many more things i could go on and on about but im sure most of you get the hint. but really,its scary, life is hell with this but i think we should alll keep our heads up and pleasee do not hesitate to contact me to talk, id love it. thank you for listening







(email:[email protected])


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## SpiderS

I probably wouldn't say anything new, but anyways, It's like hell, I feel dead, hopeless, unreal, trapped inside cage, and void... World is flat (2D) plus add snow vision to it, I can't believe that my life belongs to me that I am living human being, that I am a real person, also it feels like all moments in my life didn't happen with me at all, it's some other guy's memories... It's really hard to focus to anything at all, worst of all, I can't get focused on my life... It's more to say but I will feel much worse if I continue...

I'm 18 Years old, I have been suffering from dp/dr for almost 5 years.


----------



## unfree-world

I'm not sure whether I had DP or DR, but my whole mind seemed to be encased in a fog separate from my mind, but at the same time parallel to it.

I suffered a rather traumatic event one night, and the next day the world had changed. I first noticed it as apathy. The death of someone very close to me was quite probable, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Then I noticed the world seemed to be dulled, muted, blurred. I began to feel faint, which may have been sleep deprivation.

For several months, I lived inside a sort of haze. While the haze drove me nearly to suicide, I felt an odd urge to analyze it. I literally wrote hundreds of pages about the haze, trying to discover if it was a part of my mind, or something separate; and I discovered patterns to it. Some days it was barely noticeable, a thin, flexible barrier existing between myself and the outside world. Other days it took up my whole existence. There were periods of days where I didn't think at all. Every action was automatic. I couldn't feel anything, except for perhaps a gnawing dread at the fact that I couldn't feel anything. I became desperate for any real emotion, joy, sorrow, agony, rage.

Finally, over a period of maybe two or three weeks, it vanished. But not entirely. Some days I can feel it trying to creep back into my mind.


----------



## stasha

It's on and off again throughout the year, some weeks are better than others. It's intertwined with periods of depression & anxiety. Does anyone else get it on and off again, or do most people have it constantly ?


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## ailenr0c

My dp/dr started one year and six months ago.It's like I feel everything and nothing at the same time.when I look myself in the mirror I see a stranger.an alien.a peice of flesh.It's the same with family and friends.they're strangers to me.Memories lack emotion.It feels like they're not mine.that I am someone else.In the beginning when I had more of dr places and bodyparts changed size all the time.Walking outside in the open made me freak out.I couldnt focus.everything was spinning around and my legs went numb.almost like I was floating wich made me feel even more like a ghost..


----------



## Daehtihs

Lately, I feel as if I shouldn't exist. It feels like the real me died at some point and what's left is in a surreal world; it seems to be a world in which nothing bothers and nothing really effects. It feels as if the life that I once had, my memories, never really happened. When I look into a mirror, I see me, the flesh and blood, but I don't see me how I should be. I don't understand what's sparked this, but I fear that I'm losing my mind. It started as just bits and pieces, but it's continued to grow and consume larger chunks of time. It feels like my friends and family aren't the same; they're not trustworthy. They're still themselves, but they're not as the used to be. Everything feels different.


----------



## ktlee

Daehtihs said:


> Lately, I feel as if I shouldn't exist. It feels like the real me died at some point and what's left is in a surreal world; it seems to be a world in which nothing bothers and nothing really effects. It feels as if the life that I once had, my memories, never really happened. When I look into a mirror, I see me, the flesh and blood, but I don't see me how I should be. I don't understand what's sparked this, but I fear that I'm losing my mind. It started as just bits and pieces, but it's continued to grow and consume larger chunks of time. It feels like my friends and family aren't the same; they're not trustworthy. They're still themselves, but they're not as the used to be. Everything feels different.


 thats how i feel as well. i dont know how to get better. nothing has really helped other than to just keep moving forward. i keep trying my best to keep going. just to fight it. not letting it take over my life even though it kind of is.


----------



## ktlee

stasha said:


> It's on and off again throughout the year, some weeks are better than others. It's intertwined with periods of depression & anxiety. Does anyone else get it on and off again, or do most people have it constantly ?


 i dont really get it on and off. i get it where its better than some days. i get it where i feel better during periods of time. when its really bad its followed by severe depression and anxiety. i scare myself somedays.


----------



## Want2FeelNormal

Basically, for me it's all psychological

Things just feel unfamiliar
my emotional response to familiar places, loved ones etc have significantly decreased. It's like I see them there, I'm talking to them but they're not the same people they used to be. 
it feels like I'm distant from them, and that there is something in the way between myself and them
I am a shell of my formal self. I was an outgoing, loud, happy person and now I'm fucking scared of everything and I just feel numb
some days I feel so numb that it almost feels like if someone where to get shot in front of my eyes I wouldn't even react
I do sometimes get visual sensations, like things get blurry almost like a blacktop gets when the sun hits it. Things get a lot brighter or darker out of nowhere

I didn't even get this from drugs, just extreme anxiety. 
I always doubt if I have it too like "what if this isn't DR/DP and im self diagnosing, what if I'm just nuts"
then the obsessive thoughts of "what if I'm hallucinating all of this, what if this is all a lie and i'm starting to finally see the cracks in the system"

Those thoughts have to be the worst system. I just want my old self back. Nothing more.


----------



## Bkbyers

I went in to dp when I was 13 I'm now 37 !! It's been a living hell with no relief !!! Still praying for an answer !!!


----------



## xoxo

Hi all,

I have to begin by saying I feel so relieved to have finally put a name to the experiences I've had. I work as a counselor and was flipping through the DSM in order to properly diagnose a client, at which point I stumbled on dp. At that point, I started researching it and, as most of you can likely relate, I finally felt like I wasn't alone. Wow. I have felt crazy for such a long time that I've tried to normalize it over the years. I can relate to so many posts on here, but I remember trying to describe it to my boyfriend as "going to Target." This was me nomalizing it, but I tried to describe it to him by asking if he ever went to a store or someplace (like target) and just felt like you were wandering around without purpose, feeling completely disconnected from those around you, and feeling like you're on autopilot. I'm 24 years old and I don't remember the exact moment this first happened, like many of you can. I don recall feeling like this as a child, but then again, I don't remember feeling like this a month ago, though I know I did. I know it got far worse (or perhaps began) about six years ago, initaly presenting as depression. The worst symptom for me to tolerate is the talking, but not feeling as though I'm really talking (though I know I am.) Also, as a counselor, it has been incredibly difficult to deal with the inability to concentrate on what others are saying or forming coherent sentences. I can't maintain a train of thought to sav my life. The description of emptiness rings very true.. I'm not sure where the hell my mind is, but its certainly not in this body.


----------



## Steph Marie

Ohmygod, you guys! I thought I was going insane for the longest time. Or dying. Or in a dream. It was horrifying. Im so glad people feel the same even though it is hell. please get in touch with me? Need someone to talk to!


----------



## Depersonal Eyes

Wendy said:


> While now rereading my post an hour or so later, I cant believe its me who wrote what I wrote. Its like Im reading something that someone else wrote.
> 
> I have problems connecting it to myself. Im sure thats DP!


Totally know what you mean. When I do things DP'd I am literally awestruck when that moment is captured. I do a lot of writing and take a lot of pictures and it sometimes amazes me that _I_ was the one who wrote those things and _I_ was the person in those pictures. Because that was not me. That was DP, I was just a vessel.


----------



## derkdiggler

FUCKING HELLL, THATS SUMS IT UP FUCK DP OR WHATEVER THIS SHIT IS


----------



## chrisKC

Like I'm dreaming... when I look at myself in the mirror I feel like the reflection, not myself. I don't feel any of the fear that others are talking about, but the smallest things concern me. My brain seems to exaggerate feelings that I should normally just ignore, like slight itches or discomforts due to clothing or the way I am lying in bed. When I listen to music (which I am doing literally every waking minute) it is all I can hear: it feels like it is coming from all around me and inside my head.

Basically I feel a bit high as if I had just smoked a joint.


----------



## supersaiyan91

I feel like im dreaming. I'm always in my own head. I think it bothers people cause they'll be talking to me and I'll be completely zoned out. I feel apathetic. I know i have emotions but they mean nothing to me. I do things even though i don't even want to. I feel like im on another level of psychological existence, like my ability to analyze things so well sets me apart from the general population. I don't feel like people understand me. I'm constantly worried people won't like me. Although i don't think that's what my do comes from.. I think my main "issue" is that im always wondering about existence , life, what comes after death, why humans are so different from other animals, why i am self aware... And then there are times that i think about dying, and i don't even feel depressed. I just want to know what this is all about, and if any of it is real. Is my personality something that lasts through time or am i just a mush of chemicals and cells that somehow allow me to know i am alive?

My favorite part is i enjoy it. I enjoy feeling like im on some weird mind trip that even though it's intense i can still function through the day. I've heard most people say that their dp comes from a traumatic event or something, but i feel like mine comes from within. From my own thoughts that my own mind conjures up, and then i second guess if those thoughts even exist. How they exist. And i can't get away from it.


----------



## supersaiyan91

Anyone seen a scanner darkly?


----------



## ivegonemad

i have no clue how to describe it. it first happened ofter a bong trip. i took a like 2 1/2 hits and it happened but everyone said that was supposed to happen. ever since then it happened very often. it lasts like 2 minutes but it happens maybe 20 times a day for the past couple of months. i just diagnosed myself with this today. i feel like im in a dream and when i try to ignore i just feel dumb and naive like i'm ignoring a giant elephant in the room. then i start panicking because i think of all the people i love being a part of a dream world. i try convincing myself that it doesn't matter if it's a dream world or not, at least i'm here, but it doesn't work. i have no idea what to do or who to tell or where to go and i hate myself for taking that first bong trip because then maybe none of this would've happened. it's not a dream, it's more like a night mare.


----------



## ivegonemad

Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> 
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


This is exactly what happens to me. i begin to realize the no one is real, and then all of sudden i realize that i'm not real either and the only escape is death but i've fallen in love with this "fake" world and all the people in it, i can't bring myself to kill myself because what happens then? where do i go? what happens to all these figments of my imagination?

it's happening right know actually. some symptoms are
-i feel my blood rushing
-racing heart beat
-fatigue
-fearful
-confused and lost


----------



## anxybilly

I don't know me anymore.

Surreal

Dark

Unreal


----------



## helplease

Im very far from you by distance but not by experince. well, i feel numb sometimes. i feel im not the body, like im something else, and that else is a nothingness.
sometimes i feel like those old games..platform games.. that everything comes to you. and you just are driving this body through obstacles. in my head, i feel a density, like i have condense events i wish they dont happen, but still there is like a demon inside of me, that its no different from me, but a part, that wants to live at all costs. the other day i had a dream, that i was dying and uniting with god, but i had fear and so i wanted to live, but a logic came to me, if you wish to be in the society and participate still, you should take a blow to yourself, and become gay. i said, well thats allright its being accepted more and more in society this days and theres is nothing wrong with a gay person, but then i said, BUT... and then i woke up.
i allways think that to be with others i need to be a prick sometimes, there is no one that is more pure than other, all though we wish to think so, everyone carries stones on their backs, so they can feel lifted up when they drop them.
who am i, but a shadow in the dark, lurking around for connection. i wish you well being. be health be always young at heart. love from the unknown.


----------



## helplease

ivegonemad said:


> This is exactly what happens to me. i begin to realize the no one is real, and then all of sudden i realize that i'm not real either and the only escape is death but i've fallen in love with this "fake" world and all the people in it, i can't bring myself to kill myself because what happens then? where do i go? what happens to all these figments of my imagination?
> 
> it's happening right know actually. some symptoms are
> -i feel my blood rushing
> -racing heart beat
> -fatigue
> -fearful
> -confused and lost


I feel the same, like everything is fake. but sometimes some kind of logic says so what, if everthing is from god or life as you wish, we can convey with nature, and picture a beatiful life, feel with joy and harmony. recently i moved to a place near the mountains, there i feel more at peace, and harmony, i meditate, that brings me hope, as i feel and have read from people in the world that the world is an illusion and the reality, our true nature is the eternal bliss and serenity, imagine if this world would be the only thing it existed, we would go crazy, although we kind of are. but as our symptoms are those of unfadable signs that we are kind of eternal, or more that this body, we have an oportunity to realize our true nature and remember that what we are, as what all are, never dies. and to share this expirience makes us share, what we are, a vestige of what ever the universe is compose of. some lurking atomes, that appear and dissapere. to see, to laugh, to share, to be no more, is a pending story of creation. allways with you. As Shunyata.


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## toshibatelly

My depersonalization blends into anxiety, so I can't tell where the boundary between the two lies, or if there is one (it seems to be pretty much an axiom of the DP-research community that DP is caused by anxiety and stress). I get a whole host of symptoms, ranging from the kind of mock-psychotic symptoms (things out the corner of your eye, doubting your perceptions, intrusive thoughts of insanity) to what I would call existential nagging (questioning your reality and feeling in another place while continuing to function superficially) to physical symptoms (sweating profusely during a panic attack, shortness of breath, headaches, visual disturbances of all kinds from floaters to strange shapes to misreading words to seeing lights and strange shapes and objects when I close my eyes) to mood problems induced by the feeling of DP, generally feeling despair. And there are some other symptoms, particularly a very poor perception of time; like I'll look at a comment I wrote on this board and I'll look at the date and think, "I'm sure that happened long before then" or "No way was it that long ago!" even though I know it was.


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## toshibatelly

My depersonalization blends into anxiety, so I can't tell where the boundary between the two lies, or if there is one (it seems to be pretty much an axiom of the DP-research community that DP is caused by anxiety and stress). I get a whole host of symptoms, ranging from the kind of mock-psychotic symptoms (things out the corner of your eye, doubting your perceptions, intrusive thoughts of insanity) to what I would call existential nagging (questioning your reality and feeling in another place while continuing to function superficially) to physical symptoms (sweating profusely during a panic attack, shortness of breath, headaches, visual disturbances of all kinds from floaters to strange shapes to misreading words to seeing lights and strange shapes and objects when I close my eyes) to mood problems induced by the feeling of DP, generally feeling despair. And there are some other symptoms, particularly a very poor perception of time; like I'll look at a comment I wrote on this board and I'll look at the date and think, "I'm sure that happened long before then" or "No way was it that long ago!" even though I know it was.


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## Joshu

For me - The depersonalization is less common - sometimes it is merely a feeling _as if_ I am sitting off to the side of myself judging, usually harshly, what I am doing. The worst, and this has only happened a few of times in my life, is life sitting in the middle of an emotional sandstorm, just holding on so that I don't get blown away.

The derealization - which occurs much more frequently - I am solid but the rest of the world is hazy. It is _as if_ light yellow glow that actually conceals rather than illuminates. Often, when I remember whatever was going on, things seemed to have been happening in a dusky darkness.


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## LuckyBreak

supersaiyan91 said:


> Anyone seen a scanner darkly?


that was one messssed up movie. scared the crap outta me.


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## LizzyB

tough to live with but its about coping with the change in situation


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## huard

Thought I'd add input for good measure...and fun!

I've been living with DPD including DR for about three years now and have only just recently figured out that the near-constant state
I'm always in actually has a name that's not just anxiety/panic/depression/other broad psychiatric condition.

For myself, I start every day off with repeatedly feeling different parts of my face, head, and body with my hands to make sure I'm still 
alive. Then, I try to start off a normal day of work with a glass or two of coffee to wake me up. I used to drink coffee by the bucketfull,
but as the DP/DR has become much more prominent as time goes on, I limit myself. No coffee = no energy for the day. I'm willing to bet 
that many, if not the majority, of the folks on this website also suffer from some kind of sleep disorder.

By the time I get to work, usually everything has shrunken to the point of being underneath me. EVERYTHING. That includes people, cars, animals, and
even buildings. Everything I can perceive takes on an extremely detailed, dark-surfaced/light-outlined, small/large, flat, picturesque look about it, 
like I'm looking at an animated picture I can interact with. I've had chronic DP longer than DR, so the symptoms of the latter state are much more
foreign and unsettling to me. I'm only hit with DR in waves and for certain periods of time, whereas DP is something I chronically experience, from 
awakening 'til sleep.

I spend my day at work (generally) working at a hyperactive rate to keep my nerves busy, chain-smoking cigarettes, and trying to remember what I've been
doing all day and what I'm supposed to do. I've been a life-long nail-biter, so it should come as no surprise that I chew on my fingernails and the skin 
around them throughout the day. It's a good reminder that the hands I see in front of me are "mine", and more importantly, that they're "there". As a 
result, the ends of my fingers look like shit, bleeding frequently.

I'm a roofing repairman, which means I have put myself in anxiety-provoking situations (which means DP/DR-provoking situations for me) on a 
frequent basis. Interestingly, DP/DR can have a positive impact on my job. For instance, if I have to set-up a ladder at any height, I can't 
really feel it. There's no weight to the ladder, no gravity, no directions or angles, and certainly no physical strain that I can perceive
clearly. However, a downside is that I tend to get hit with a pronounced DP/DR episode while on the ladder at higher heights and on higher 
rooftops. Not fun, let alone safe.

Once I'm home from working, I tend to make it my goal to just relax. I usually sit around reading books, browsing online, watching television, 
exercising, painting/drawing, or listening and making music. As one can probably guess, this is the time of the day where I have the most
control and awareness of DP/DR symptoms. I'm mentally "there" at my most.

As it gets late, the symptoms become somewhat more pronounced, but for some reason I don't have as much control over what I can shut out and
what I can let in. Usually 10 or 15mg Ambien is needed to fall asleep, but half of the time that doesn't work.

I wake up from dreaming to another dream, which I live out until I wake up late at night to another dream, which I play out until I wake up
from dreaming to another dream.
Rinse, repeat.


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## englishborn

I have not posted here yet, however I have been using the site for support, checking others experienced the same symptoms etc...

I find it hard to separate DP and DR. Mine has all come from anxiety and took months to fester into dp/dr but I didnt realise what was happening, I just assumed it was sinusitus causing the inital symptoms to anxiety.

Duration: 2 months so far

Symptoms at its worst:

Feel like I am 2 people
Feel like I am not there at all
Actions I have just taken were not real
World is not real
Convinced I don't exist
Insomnia
Questioning reality (in general and certain objects)
Petrified to see anything (dare not look away from TV/Laptop)

Symptoms currently:
Don't feel 100% real
Constant analysing myself
Depression
Despair 
Afraid to be alone

Waking up is the worst time for me usually, there is so much association with objects that did not seem real when at its worst and I have to interact with them every morning. Sometimes the symptoms are worst when I decide to get up such as the extreme feeling I am looking through someone else's eyes, this fades quickly but has me on edge for the rest of the day and I constantly check in with myself.

Am I improving?
I think I might be, I can somewhat accept objects now, I no longer stare at them waiting for them to reveal that they are not there. However I am scarred mentally and find it difficult to feel I am maybe improving and I always find it amazing how I used to just live my life and not be like now.


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## mcalohan

What's it like? Its not. Its hell. Its beautiful. It is what it is. I say that all the time and I know nobody has a freaking clue what I'm talking about.

I guess I would describe it as living without an ego. I hear a lot of people say "I don't care" or "I don't give a shut". Yeah you do. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't. You can think I'm a chinease emperor or a homeless bum. I don't give enough of a shut about you or myself to correct you. Its not being overly jaded or just emotionally scarred. Its just not there.

I lose track of conversations as I'm having them. I look people right in the eyes and cannot understand what they're saying and have to guess a response based on their body languege

Broken record repeating thoughts... yep. I get sick to my stomach from them at times.

Emptiness. Maddening empitness. I wish I could say it was the futility of death but it in fact the burden of life. You're not suppossed to see the world like I do.

Its not about depression. I'm manic depression to the core. I recognize though it is simply a chemical in my brain altering my consciousness and thinking patterns. I fall victim to its tricks but recognize it within a day or two (sometimes weeks). It isnt the bottom as Tyler Durden dreamed of. It is something else. Simply existing.

It can be quite wonderful as well though. I'm scared of this. I want to learn to ride it through but I'm hesitant as I don't know where it will lead. I see a path but nothing more. Is hope on the other side? As I've gotten older, 35 now, its gotten worse but I've come to understand it more and handle it better. Were I to follow this path and explore this vast emptyness would I only be advancing my buden? Is there more beyond it? Is it a step in the right direction toward a true out of body experience? Could I completely disconnect?


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## prplhed

It feels like everything and the absolute absence of anything at the same time.
Like being reminded from time to time that you're still a caveman, waving your arms around making grunts, but only slightly more organized grunts.
Like being granted "true" self-awareness for a small duration, and then being told to sit in the small corner of "normal" self-awareness a short while after.

It sucks, it's parasitic, I hate it, I want to be free (trapped?) again.
I'm 19, and I feel like crying thinking about the possibility of still experiencing this when I'm in my 30's, or even a year from now. Time feels wasted. I haven't cried since the actual event that triggered my DP (Panic attack/schizophreic breakdown on marijuana), though, and even then I wasn't in control of my body, and even THEN I hadn't cried since middle school.

I want out.

Edit: I don't mean the "suicide" out. Just a breakthrough, or epiphany or whatever it is that gets me out of the forehead-deep pool that is DP.


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## mcalohan

What's it like? Its not. Its hell. Its beautiful. It is what it is. I say that all the time and I know nobody has a freaking clue what I'm talking about.

I guess I would describe it as living without an ego. I hear a lot of people say "I don't care" or "I don't give a shut". Yeah you do. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't. Its not being overly jaded or just emotionally scarred. Its just not there. Its almost that I give a shut about reality. I can't bring myself to admit but it feels right.

I lose track of conversations as I'm having them. I look people right in the eyes and cannot understand what they're saying and have to guess a response based on their body languege. That's aweful.

I drive to someones house, drive back, and forget where I went or what happened. Its just all so ridiculously silly.

Broken record repeating thoughts... yep. I get sick to my stomach from them at times.

Emptiness. Maddening empitness. I wish I could say it was the futility of death but it in fact the burden of life. You're not suppossed to see the world like I do.

Its not about depression. I'm manic depression to the core. I recognize though it is simply a chemical in my brain altering my consciousness and thinking patterns. I fall victim to its tricks but recognize it within a day or two (sometimes weeks). It isnt the bottom as Tyler Durden dreamed of. It is something else. Simply existing.

It can be quite wonderful as well though. I'm scared of this. I want to learn to ride it through but I'm hesitant as I don't know where it will lead. I see a path but nothing more. Is hope on the other side? As I've gotten older, 35 now, its gotten worse but I've come to understand it more and handle it better. Were I to follow this path and explore this vast emptyness would I only be advancing my buden? Is there more beyond it? Is it a step in the right direction toward a true out of body experience? Could I completely disconnect?


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## Hyperyogi

@mcalohan - you're the first person I've ever heard say its beautiful!!!!! I dthink so too. It's a way of escape to another place. Until the last few years I never even knew that my reality wasn't how it was supposed to be. As a young child I would often (still do, only my therapist tells me not to!!) do this thing I called mind-body-separation. I would see how long I could get my brain to leave my body for - e;g, distance, like it is always behind and a little up and to the side. I do it by concentrating like meditation (which apparently I just dissociate rather than 'ground' ho hum). and then all of a sudden it all 'snaps' back together - whooooshhh!! Other times I can be small entity ina big 'world' or a large one in the small place, litterally pressed up against the sides seeing out.

Oh and I forget who first posted it, but someone copied it on this page too - )ah just an edit = janine baker - wonderful way to describe it - feel like you're in my head!!!( The one tht says at the bottom, don't read this too much or you'll get heebejeebees!! well, she describes all the other stuff to a t!!!

my problem with it is if I feel I can't snap my body and brain within some sort of workable distance from eachother. so nice when i control it, nasty as hell, when it has its own mind. then i think it may be termed panic attack or reality b reak depending on who you talk to.

Nice forum xxxx

hyper xxx


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## mcalohan

It's watching David Coperfield and seeing the mirrors.


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## joshz28

Does anyone extemely groggy in the morning when you wake up? And what about headaches? These are my two main symptoms? Any thoughts?


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## Bee317

Hi, I'm new to this site, and I was wondering if anyone could tell me if they think i have DP/DR? For the past year and a half to two years or so, I have been feeling very weird. It feels like my life is a dream, and I am just watching it pass me by. I want to wake up and feel alive again, but I somehow can't. When I walk through busy halls at school, for example, I am completely zoned out and everything around me looks like it's flowing, like water (idk how else to explain it!). It's enough that people have noticed, and I have received several comments on my spaciness. I used to be extremely social, energetic, and organized, and constantly made plans and did things, but now I have lost all this desire and just want to stay home alone. My concept of time has become completely distorted, and I am constantly late, procrastinating, and disorganized. Even very important engagements and assignments do not motivate me to take control of time. I used to be very outgoing and charismatic, but now I barely talk when in groups, and feel uncomfortable and alienated. I also feel like I am not in control of the things I do or say - I feel like I am watching through my eyes, and I hate the things I say and do, but I can't control them. I am constantly surprised by the things that come out of my mouth. When I see myself in the mirror, I am usually surprised, for I have no concept of what my face looks like (I couldn't picture it in my mind). I feel like my I don't look human or normal. I get regular headaches and often hear ringing, music, or mechanical sounds in my ears. I also cannot bring myself to go to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning. My memory has also become very distorted - when asked what I did earlier in the day or yesterday, it is difficult for me to remember. Everything just feels cloudy. It's difficult for me to focus my attention. My relationships with my boyfriend and friends are suffering because I have lost all motivation to do anything, and cannot manage my time to schedule time with them. I came across this sight because I googled my symptoms. I am tired of feeling like this! I want to wake up and start living, and I want to go back to the way I used to be. What does this sound like? (p.s. sorry for the atrocious grammar - it's hard for me to focus)


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## harukii

its an awful thing to have, had it since i was 17 which is 6 years ago for me, when i got it i thought i got possessed or something funny as it sounds it scared the crap out of me, I've just learnt to live with it, i know it wont ever go away so yeah not a lot i can do....


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## Brie

I realized today that there is a possibility I may have DP. Ive always suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. But slowly, theyve gotten worst. 
I can be just sitting in a room by myself and start feeling like i'm.. well not all there. Physically i know i am.But mentally I'm straying off. If i go certain places or do something things I get the feeling. Ive had it since i was 13. I'm 19 now. It actually scares me to death sometimes. I feel like i'm just a ghost watching everyone have a great time while i'm just sitting there. Is there any hope for getting over this?
Most of the time, I'll try to think my way out of it. Or talk to my fiance. But in the back of my mind, that feeling is still there.


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## davethewave

Hi everyone, I'm 29 years old, and I too am a self diagnosed Depersonalization sufferer... I feel as though my case varies from moderate to severe. In the past, before I recognized that I actually had a documented problem, my instances of DP were far worse. I didn't understand what was happening. I would "come into myself" in the middle of me doing something that I (whatever I means) would NOT normally do, then I would quickly get away from whatever I was doing or where ever I was, then go home and ask myself, "what the hell were you doing?!" This sort of thing happened a few times before I started googleing this thing. and ever since I found Depersonalization I've been able to identify when I start to "leave" and pull myself back in. I am extremely intelligent, my brain works faster than I can control and I think that this gives me an upper hand on this problem. My history was one of those awkward teens that grew into myself late, suffered many a broken heart, and had some very awful things done and said to me for a prolonged period of time (years and years), this is what I believe cause my retreat from reality. I also have a very bad memory of almost everything in my past and have trouble even making new memories because my mind has become so accustomed to blocking everything out. Despite my lack of memory I seem to be gifted in learning and retaining foreign languages, and things related to my profession. I'm recently married, 1 year in March, to a beautiful woman, I also own and operate my own business specializing in computer repair and smart home systems. When I sit behind a computer I am at home. I can type faster than anyone I've met, and there isn't anything that I can't do behind a computer. It seems as though I detach from reality when I'm repairing computers because I can not communicate with anyone while I do that. But, the best thing for helping me with this disorder was understanding the disorder and being able to detect when I am going "out" and stopping myself. Sometimes when I'm driving I'll catch myself leaving and force myself back in, and other times I wont, and I'll show up at my destination with no recollection of my drive there. I also have a photographic memory with maps, but can not remember people's names unless they are a MAJOR part of my daily life.... When it comes time to make important decisions I notice my tendency to "leave" more strongly than any other time. I went skydiving 2 years ago and have absolutely no memory of the trip up in the plane, nor remember the jumping out part, I reconstructed my memory from the video that was taken of the event. I was in the past an EXTREMELY spontaneous person, always feeling as though any bad decisions weren't actually MY decisions and that the result would have no effect on ME. this is such a strange disorder. I don't believe anyone can truly understand it unless they have it.


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## davethewave

MAKE SURE your fiance knows that you have (or feel as though you have) depersonalization disorder. If he doesn't understand why you do some of the things you do or the way you feel, she won't get it AT ALL. But the truth is, is that unless a person has it they won't be able to grasp the concept of not being in yourself... What's helped me is being attentive and KNOWING that I do have the disorder. Knowing it has helped me identify when I'm slipping in and out, and doing my best to grab back onto reality and keep from going away. and know that ALCOHOL MAKES IT FAR WORSE!!!! I'll have a small amount of alcohol from time to time, but I know that it makes me more prone to "leaving" Too much alcohol and I can't control it. I'd suggest not drinking AT ALL until you get a better grasp on it. and you will, it's not easy, but can be done.


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## Brie

My fiance is a he. lol.
And he understands to an extent. When I feel like im going into an attack, i tell him and he'll sit there with me and talk me through it . or hum a tune to get it off my mind. Most of the time it works.
Ive realized alcohol makes it worst. I use to smoke weed but had to quit because I'd feel like i was in a dream.Nothing felt or even looked real to me. Trying to explain that to anyone is impossible. I always get funny looks or the famous line ''Its all in your head'' .


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## davethewave

Brie said:


> My fiance is a he. lol.
> And he understands to an extent. When I feel like im going into an attack, i tell him and he'll sit there with me and talk me through it . or hum a tune to get it off my mind. Most of the time it works.
> Ive realized alcohol makes it worst. I use to smoke weed but had to quit because I'd feel like i was in a dream.Nothing felt or even looked real to me. Trying to explain that to anyone is impossible. I always get funny looks or the famous line ''Its all in your head'' .


It's comforting, i think, knowing that I'm not the only one who has this, but then again, it kind of scares me knowing that I really do have this disorder and that it's real. I used to play cello in orchestra and during performances I used to get super dizzy, like head spinning, I'd eaten good food, drank water, it was never anything food or drink related. I'd feel like I was about to pass out, but then it would just go away without me noticing and we'd be finished with our concert and I'd have NO recollection of even playing. In 2000 my orchestra went to Carnegie Hall in New York and performed... I remember walking out onto the stage, and I remember the clapping once we were done. It's like I'd disappear for the hard part and come back once it was done... I never thought anything of it back then. Now looking back and my lack of memories... it makes sense. The best thing for me is accepting the fact that I have DP and trying as hard as I can to not check out. It's SOOOOOO stressful at times when I'd normally check out and now I stick around and deal with things. I get extremely bad headaches in those times like my brain is changing and adapting, kind of being forced to do something it doesn't want to do... Seek patience, perseverance, and never give up. There are two things; you and your mind. do you control your mind? or does your mind control you? and what is the difference between you and your mind? Seek the answers to those questions and you'll be on your way to understanding where control comes from. you are your mind, and you control yourself.


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## shorty_rerecovered

Although I do not suffer from any psychological disorder and had no severe trauma my DR(previously DP) feel *shit*. It is like you cannot live without it but you WANT TO so bad! I think that my whole life will be like this but I really don't want to. I am very young(14) to feel like this. However, I am still getting better and most of my symptoms have gone but one has remained ; that of the way I think. I can't stand it. Everyday or every week my thinking patterns changes so suddenly and it is very different and not good at all. I really need and want to feel normal again. I want to get rid of this symptom too. :/


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## thomwest

' timestamp= said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


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## thomwest

Hi: It took me quite a while to recognize that I was viewing the world in a two dimensional view and always had. It was working, so I thought, but I had been told years ago that I suffered from "anxiety neurosis" and "dependency complesx". At the time the shrink didn't explain to me, just gave me some pills and sent me to a behavior clinic (I can't think of the program, but it's like you can slow down a bell by relaxing or speeding it up by tsncing.) Didn't do a damned thing. It's only recently that I've begun to wonder if it would be better NOT to "suffer" from dp/dr. So, I'm trying, but you know what? It was wrong for me to think that there was anything "wrong" with me. It was my "reality" and I had created it. If I want to re-create it I might, but so far, I've looked at all the people I know, relatives, neighbors, WalMart employees and customers, and I'm not convinced that I'm the one with the problem. I don't leave the house a lot, but I have, eat, own, and everything I want - those things that make me happy. And my dog takes up all the space for the rest. Disneyland does NOT make me happy. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. My grandparents never heard of Disneyland, and they survived fine all thir lives. So I'm trying not to see my life as "wrong", just "different" and I'm not particularly uncomfortable, don't feel "less than" and never did. I am working on it, because it's allowing me to see even people in the grocery store as beautiful, whereas before they were old crones and old men. Now, I look a a 75 year old couple holding hands and love it. I don't put myself down and am not sure anybody else can ( or should) either, if they know me well. I'm not a "sheep", heh heh God bless and good luck. Sorry to take up so much of your time, but give it a little thought. Thanks. Thom


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## Rebecca

for me, it's the most frightening experience i've ever had. 
I had my first full blown attack of it in 3rd grade, and i remember it vividly and i was clenching my friends arm and was told i was really flushed in the face and had to be sent home. i don't recall of any previous depersonalization symptoms before the attack, though, unless i was unaware.

i'm now 15. The last 6 months has been absolute hell. The peak (started January 20th) was when i was sick with a virus and all i wanted to do was sleep, and die. i would shower and pass out sometimes. i was out of school for 2 weeks straight, i couldn't even go out or in the car without freaking out. all i wanted to do when i was awake was watch tv, something to get my mind off it.

now, the last time i had an attack was early january. i still have feelings of depersonalization everyday though, up to 10 times a day. 
The best way to describe it (though it is so unreal its explainable), would be a feeling of total detachment from everything and everyone. i feel like im in a dream or a video game. i have no idea where my mind is, and i don't think about who or where i am or what i'm doing. i snap into it and forget how long ago i felt like that (though it was probably only about 10-15 seconds) and then it repeats, like a vicious cycle. it also worsens when i'm in florescent lighting in stores or the gym or school. it's almost like i'm only 50% there and there's someone or something else controlling me; who knows. i feel that a contribution to it is that i am a very deep and philosophical thinker, which doesn't lessen the issue. i don't know myself. i wake in the morning and have suicidal thoughts. these days i really don't know why i'm alive and i don't know my purpose. deep inside, i don't want to die. i want something to look forward to everyday and stride forward to. i feel so utterly hopeless, and how frightened i am and dreading the day ahead in the morning. "here's a another day, of no direction, no self awareness, and being frightened out of my mind, all alone, and i can't tell anybody because they won't EVER understand."
nothing seems real.

to be honest, i feel a lot less scared after i found there was a name for this though i am still doubtful that anybody could ever feel this way, the same i do. (relating back to how alone i feel.) i feel when im distracted (i.e. having a conversation, playing a game, watching tv, on computer, homework, reading, etc) the feeling resonates because im somewhere else. somewhere that my state of mind doesn't matter and i'm completely gone for a bit and my body is doing the work for me, almost.

i have recently started cognitive behavior therapy which is currently unsuccessful.

this website really explained a bit to me and i can relate to 95% of how this person describes it, its almost unreal. definetly made me feel much less alone. 
http://www.depersonalization.info/overview.html


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## TodBrowning

it makes everything difficult. when i do something w my hands i feel like someone else is doing it. And i have little control. also, sometimes my hands want to mirror eachother's actions. while i write this for instance, my left hand goes to type a key and the right hand does the same on its side of the keyboard. so i punch 2 keys, 1 i intended the other not. i get this vague feeling of imbalance whenever i attempt to do something or communicate. it comes from what i want to say or do not lining up with what comes out. and when i watch tv or a movie i am left perplexed by people's interactions or emotions. i think to myself "okay, so thats what i think he said, but what did he really say" for everything. also when i walk on street i have to wait for strangers to get ahead of me so i can follow them because i have a difficult time recognizing signs and i constantly pull my pants up or check my jacket buttons cuz i dont know if i can trust where i think everything is (pants and items in coat pockets). i also cant visualize anything. my friend told me bout what he did last week, the whole time i pictured myself in it or was just confused. all the world around me is vague and unsettling and my responses are usually automatic, and feel beyond my control.



' timestamp= said:


> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


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## SonoftheRose

Well, I just discovered I am not in fact going crazy, which makes me very happy







Ever since I can remember, I have had DP related issues. I guess I always thought it was just normal for everyone though, and it wasn't all the time. It would be triggered by lack of sleep, lots of stress, or other such events. Lately, however, it has gotten much more intense. For the past week and a half, I have had the feeling pretty strongly every day. It has always been there, way in the back of my mind throughout my entire life, but I just always thought it was normal and thought I was going crazy when it got worse. Anyway, the feeling itself varies slightly depending on the situation, but in general there are a couple major things about it:

1: There is a distinct feeling of being "not me." Like I am watching the world from inside someone else's head. I can control my actions and such, but it is like a video game. The world becomes like a dream kinda.

2: All feelings are dampened and emotions slip away, leaving only a slight sense of what emotion I *should* be feeling at the moment.

3: It feels as though if I were to concentrate hard enough, I could rip my conscious out of my head into the "real" world. I describe it as the "realizing you are in the matrix" moment.

There are a lot of other aspects to it as well. I will find myself acting while actually thinking/being somewhere entirely different. It is not like I am just distracted or something, I actually AM somewhere else. But at the same time watching myself do stuff. This leads to mixing up words/forgetting words often as I snap back into reality and don't know exactly what I am saying. Like I will be walking (well, my body will be walking) and I will see somebody and start to greet them with "hello" before I actually snap into it and decide to greet them with "how are you?" This leads to me saying things such as "Hello are you" or a smashed together version of what I was saying. And it is *not* like I am just changing my mind on what to say. It is this feeling of not being there/watching through the eyes of someone else as they say things before actually taking control and saying things. I normally don't even try to explain any of this as it is too crazy for someone who is not feeling it to understand, but I know all of you are feeling the same thing, so you understand what I am trying to say.

There are also weird, vivid dreams where I can actually feel things. Like feel the rain on my face, feel pain, etc. So lifelike that it IS like life except I know it isn't when I am in it. If these dreams were to follow a set story/plot, however, and included me falling asleep at the end of each one, I could possibly lose track of what is reality. They don't happen every night, but happen often and when they do happen, I wake up the next day feeling tired even though I slept for a long time. It is during these periods that the DP becomes more pronounced throughout the day as well.

There is also that fear that I am about to do something really dumb. But it isn't me who is going to do it, but at the same time it is me. Because I would be controlling it in a weird way, but it wouldn't be me controlling it. This is a feeling I never have been able to describe, even to myself really. I just know what it is like. It is like I am two different strings of awareness: one awareness which is about to make a dumb decision and the other is watching. But they are both me and both totally different.

I also have had most of the other things that people have been posting throughout this thread, just they come and go. I have a chronic habit of checking my phone/keys to make sure I have them because I will come back into my own body and realize I don't know if I have them for sure or not.

That and everything else is what it is like for me. Now that I know I am not going crazy, it doesn't worry me so much. Now I just wonder if I can find a way to harness this to make myself into some kind of superhuman lol. I know, we all have such dreams right? But it also explains so much about myself to me. Like why I am so laid back, because there is *always* this slight sense that I am not me, so I don't care as much. Or why I like the cold, lifting, and dancing, because they make that sense much smaller and I feel totally alive/totally myself when I experience them. Right away, I used to get anxiety attacks over DP as I thought I was going crazy, but I have learned to deal with it as I have grown older and now that I know I am not just battling insanity, I can deal with it even more.

There you go! That is my life! And people who say it is enlightenment/nirvana haven't experienced it







Maybe if you purposefully went into it, it would be. But it sure isn't when you can't control it. At the same time, I guess I can now make the best out of it and maybe actually reach a different level of being. Who knows? And I am sure there is a different thread for such topics, but does anyone else LOVE to read because you ACTUALLY BECOME the character? And enjoy playing video games because you actually become your character? It isn't just like you are seeing them/imagining it. You literally ARE them. Too weird to describe, but it would be interesting to see if anyone else feels like that.


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## Linds512

university girl said:


> my dp/dr:
> 
> I believe I have a more dr-like experience...
> 
> I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unreality. I often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.
> 
> uni-girl


hi, im lindsay, i just joined, not sure if I have DP but i have something... i dont have that 2D thing like mnay people seem to have...i just feel so weird. awful. I feel dreamlike, fuzzy headed, my eyes have pressure and feel odd but i can see fine..no double or blurry vision just strange feeling eyes. im also exhausted, have less emotions, high anxiety, worry, fear of the future and if i will ever have my "old normal self" back and have fun in life. I get the same disoriented and overwhelmed feeling in crowded areas and my symptoms get way worse then...liek stores. also get irritated very easily and symptoms get worse when i feel stressed/irritated. i am almost 24, i have a 3 yr old daughter, just finished nursing school..have no motivation to go forward with studying for my boards adn getting a job, except for that im newly engaged and realllly want to move ahead with my life, study, pass my boards, get a job, make good money, get our house, etc live happily. and ill have days where i feel like Ok im gonna just start living now again!! im ready these feelings are gone, then poof! symptoms right back the next day. its awful. it's been happening for 8 months. i know the date it started 7/2/11..felt so strange. alcohol makes it wayyy worse and hangovers oh my gosh i cant even handle one now. DP gets so bad then. like fuzzy, exhausted, haveee to sleep, so anxious. there is nothing i can do to make it go away either. sleep helps but i get nervous to fall asleep when i feel that way because im afraid im dying every time. i have a cyst on my pineal gland in my brain...produces melatonin, and dmt and serotonin ( ithink on those last 2) not much is known about this gland and esp these cysts adn drs ignore them saying they cant cause symptoms such as these but ive read differently..saying they can possibly cause DP so who knows. im so lost and frustrated and just want to be a good mother, daughter, wife...its so difficult for me because i used to be soo happy and now i feel like i cant get help from anyone or relief anywhere. DP really does have a mind of its own it thats what i have. because while i never feel 100% anymore i do have days where i dont feel like this at all. maybe just tired and worried about the next "attack" of DP. my head just feels so fuzzy and strange, trapped. but no movie world or 2D i dont think. i sometimes say i feel high too (from pot) or maybe drunk. i dont smoke pot ever anymore last time was like 7 years ago, but i think thats how i could describe how i feel. i just want to know when this cycle will end. I feel like looking into brain surgery if i can get no answers from a psychologist im going to see soon. there are a few drs who remove these cysts..liek only 3 surgeons ive heard of. but ive seriously been feeling awful for 8 months and i just want to see an end to this hell and have my life back!!


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## katiej

feel like i have no ''me'' like i am not the person i once was.. there is no inner core of me
the world feels like a different place like i have just landed
feel like crying 24/7 because something just doesn not feel safe.
blockage in brain like you feel you know things but cannot feel the connection.
feel weird about my body like it is weird to even have one
feel trapped inside my body (even thought logically i know i am my body)
pure discomfort at every waking moment


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## Guest

I find myself deeply attached to a dream-state. Sometimes it feels like everything around me is an illusion. Oftentimes I will all of a sudden be in the perspective of seeing myself up and over my head. I get paranoid sometimes. It's hard to communicate because it's hard to see that the people around me are feeling people or even understand what that means. I forget parts of my life. I have a hard time recalling certain memories.


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## 12345

Found this on another forum.

•	Alienation from surroundings (Derealization) e.g. like looking through a camera, veil, things appear unreal
•	Lack of ownership feelings  i.e. body/body parts feel alien / like they don't belong to you
•	Feelings of automation/lack of agency/ not feeling in charge
•	Disembodiment feeling  ranges from feeling like you're not really there to out of body experiences
•	Perceptual distortions of the body  e.g. body parts appear a different size,  feeling lighter,  as if wrapped in cotton wool
•	Heightened self observation 
•	Emotional numbing
•	Anomalies in subjective recall  e.g. memories lack emotion,  seem like a dream,  3rd person viewpoint like watching a film
•	Visual distortions 
•	Mind emptiness/no thoughts/thousand mile stare
•	Changes in experience of time  e.g. recent events feel like the distant past inability to experience time/feel as if outside of time
•	Changes in sense of duration  internal body clock is out of tune with geophysical time - things appear in slow motion or sped up
•	Changes to perspective of time/temporal disintegration past present and future - what order do those go in again?  e.g. wondering whether it is really next week lack of understanding/feeling of time
•	Impaired Spatial-Temporal Reasoning Spatial-temporal reasoning is the ability to visualise something in space that unfolds over time.  e.g. estimating how a piece of paper will look unfolded. You're holding that map upside down by the way..


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## 12345

katiej said:


> feel like i have no ''me'' like i am not the person i once was.. there is no inner core of me
> the world feels like a different place like i have just landed
> feel like crying 24/7 because something just doesn not feel safe.
> blockage in brain like you feel you know things but cannot feel the connection.
> feel weird about my body like it is weird to even have one
> feel trapped inside my body (even thought logically i know i am my body)
> pure discomfort at every waking moment


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)

God bless.


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## 12345

ricola said:


> I get the same feelings sometimes, but I never find myself being unsafe. Let the Holy Spirit bring you through this. Its the only thing that helps me especially when I'm feeling detached from the earth.... like I'm so out of place that I'm about to cross over into the supernatural or something.
> 
> "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30, NIV)
> 
> God bless.


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## Emillie

kenc127 said:


> lmao. that is simply hilarious. I needed that, thank you snowy.


the only thing that made me laugh all day.

and I used to laugh A LOT.. BEFORE all this crap.


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## Liberty

katiej said:


> feel like i have no ''me'' like i am not the person i once was.. there is no inner core of me
> the world feels like a different place like i have just landed
> feel like crying 24/7 because something just doesn not feel safe.
> blockage in brain like you feel you know things but cannot feel the connection.
> feel weird about my body like it is weird to even have one
> feel trapped inside my body (even thought logically i know i am my body)
> pure discomfort at every waking moment


I feel just the same way. Like I can't believe I exist and I'm not me anymore. Like I'm not the person I have memories of.


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## mcb

I think I have had dp ever since I can remember. I'm now nearly 18, and over the past few years I am remembering things I had forgotten, or possibly repressed, in my childhood. Obviously as I become older I am more in tune with my mind and have been realising something is not right. After attempting to commit suicide I was diagnosed with bipolar, but I knew it just didn't fit. Although I do have outbursts of anger and sadness, it is mostly due to the frustration that 90 percent of the time I feel absolutely nothing. I walk through life day in and day out watching and commenting on my own life, not living it. My brain never 'switches off' - I always feel seconds away from losing my mind.

When I was quite young I suffered emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse at home, with distant relatives and at school. When i look back on tough memories I am not experiencing or attaching emotions to them, I am simply viewing them.

Although it doesn't happen very often now, almost every night when I was younger I would go to sleep feeling very strange. I closed my eyes and was still awake but watching myself from above. My body felt wierd, it is almost indescribable. Like my legs and arms were made out of strange materials and not mine or like they were very light or very dense. They felt huge or tiny, or the room felt like it was a different size, or the air was heavy and full.

I'm not sure if dp or dr is what I have, but I have been clinically diagnosed with many things, and researched many others, and none seem to fit like this does. I hope someone can help me out if they are willing to take the time to read this. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it, for fear of them rejecting my claims or giving me another false diagnosis.


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## mcb

Also, many conversations I have are automated. I can laugh, make jokes, tell stories, then suddenly come back into myself and not realise what i was saying - or have been - for the past while, mid-sentence. I uhm and ah but cannot get a grip of what I'm trying to say. Does this and the above sound like dp at all?


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## Flea

I've not been around on here much at all. When I first found this site and self diagnosed i took quite a lot of information from here and used it to-what I would call- rebuild my mind.

I have a wonderful family, 3 kids, a partner, 2 dogs, 3 cats and a snake.... In the thick of my dp feelings, I knew that I knew everyone around me, I just felt disconnected from them, like I didnt really know them. My garden, My house, everything felt unfamiliar, although I recognised it all...

My dp was originally brought on by cannabis when I was 17, more recently, and the worst feeling to date it was brought on by citalopram.

Over the past few months I've worked hard to get my brain back to where it was before I went on to the citalopram, I'm by no means 'there' but I'm closer than I have been since last July... Bloody drugs, I tells ya...


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## deadhead262

kenc127 said:


> ok, what I mean by maddening is:
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> 
> - excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
> 
> - excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
> 
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
> 
> - anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
> 
> - anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
> 
> - sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
> 
> - sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
> 
> - sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations
> 
> This is what I mean by maddening. Things get so tough that becoming psychotic would be almost a blessing because I wouldn't have to deal with all the anxiety of the above. When my DP isn't bad, it means that some or all of the above are either absent or dissipating. As a word of encouragement, there are more good days than bad days now, whereas 2 months ago, I had 1 good day for every 5 bad ones. Hope this helps.


What this man said. In short like fucking hell!


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## belugaboy

So who has experienced these feelings/symptoms?

A feeling as if reality its self is a product of your imagination

Alteration of depth perception (things in the distance seem miniature rather than far away)

constant light headedness

the feeling that at any point reality could shatter

claustrophobia when travelling in cars or on crowded trains

increased symptoms when stepping out into the daylight for the first time

having to pinch or hit ones self to convince yourself this is in fact real.

These are some of my symptoms and I am sure they differ from person to person, but I am just curious to meet some people who have experienced the same as me! would love to chat if so!
Thanks
And remember everyone, this is only temporary


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## atthemovies

I did an AMA or Ask Me Anything on Reddit about it, if anyone here goes on that site, and described my symptoms in depth, if you're interested. There are also some interesting responses and resources on here. Check it out, maybe?

__
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/tc9pj


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## sunflowersteve

for me i think it's more of a dr sort of thing but when i have really bad episodes:

everything feels like a dream that i'm not really a part of 
sort of dizzyness like if i'm walking and look at the ground it looks like its moving faster than me
my voice sounds weird to myself
i sort of space out sometimes for a few seconds and its like a delay from what i see and when i process whats happening- scares the shit out of me
tiredness, can't concentrate
hazyness 
other people seem strange to me
i don't really associate with myself like if someone is talking to i'm like wait are they talking to me

blah, this sucks. but i think it can get better as it's not always like this.

good luck to you all! something out there loves you, god idk....


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## katiej

it all sounds exactly like dissociation to me... i feel the same.. and throughout recovery starting to gain memories i feel i have lost.... i feel like im not that person... it makes sense because some memories are painful.. and we hid away in our minds because life was jsut too much... 
now i want to come out.. and to feel like me and like a whole person. i dont know who i am... i know how people see me... but i guess thats all i really cared about untill now... now i feel empty and frightened.. and like i am not able to tackle the world because my ''me'' is not fully integrated....


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## society's parasite

[quote name='Snowy' timestamp='1093761551' post='2120']
I have so many symptoms, and they can vary from week to week. One week i will have a set of different symptoms to the week before. All anxiety/dp, just showing itself in different bloody ways. Here are some of my good fun to live with symptoms.

Feeling all jumbled up and inside out,

Feel as though i'm about to lose control and start screaming, frantically skipping naked down the street shaking my boobs with my hands and whistling and shrieking, with my eyes popping out of my head....or something along those lines.

Everything looks shimmery, like i am looking at the road on a hot summers day.

Feeling confused and disoriented in certain places, usually when there is alot of noise and a crowd.

Feel empty inside, have lost the spontaniety of life, like i can't get excited about anything.

Headaches, blurry eyes, stomach pains, chest pain, feeling like i can't breath, feel like ive had a heart attack or am going to experience one any minute. The same with a stroke, when my head goes numb and my face feels fucked and my hands get all tingly.

Waking up during the night all tensed up and confused. Waking up from dreaming and feeling like i am still in the dream. Waking up and not feeling like a human.. etc etc etc etc.....so many more....

i agree- wonderfully said! if you were out there really frantically skipping down the street, i would want to join you! ..finally just going mad..what a relief that must be, just wildly expressing all those feelings and also expressing my feelings regarding my sorroundings! Your whole description of symptoms was very good, i think.


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## society's parasite

Wendy and Snowy, i recognize much in your good descriptions of symptoms. The only people i ever 'met' who also feel more or less the same things as i feel, i met on this website. 
some other symptoms i'm having: i'm feeling this pressure all the time that i should go and do something else with my life, because this is definitely not good- i live in the wrong place, i earn money the wrong way , i really dislike the people around me, i feel watched in the streets (no paranoia, people do that a lot overhere, but it makes me feel really embarrassed about myself)..i feel ashamed to go outside and expect a verbal attack any minute ( my neighbours indeed do that a lot), i want to go and see a friend for reassurance and for talking about, what i should go and do with my life..only i have no friends..i beat myself up a lot for not going to some school or working like everybody else...
and yet, although i feel not at home at all in my own body AND in the place where i live AND in the situation i live in, at the same time something inside stops me from thinking clearly and from taking any action - i tend to sink back into myself, not caring about anything anymore, yet wondering what is wrong with me all the time. Just knowing that this is all wrong, but not knowing what else to do.


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## indy

Hey! New to this site. Thought I'd start out here.









For me DP is like having a complete disconnection from my life/my body. I recognize everything and everyone, but it feels like I am living someone else's life for them, like I am watching someone else's life unfold. It feels like a lucid dream or something. I feel like time goes by oddly, either too fast or too slow or not moving at all. It comes and goes, but the fear that it's all just an elaborate dream or something is always there in the back of my head. I just want to feel normal again.


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## Davidrichman

Hi guys, I'm new here so i figured I'd post here first. I'm going on 9 months of constant derealization. I'm not sure if that is unique or not but I feel this awful feeling 24/7, not in episodes. I can't describe the feeling as well as I used to be, since it's been so long since I have normal memories. I guess it just feels like I'm disconnected from my environment. Like I see everything the same and I function pretty much the same but my brain doesnt interpret what I'm seeing and doing correctly. I don't know how to describe it. Another weird thing is that this feeling came on very curiously. I hadn't been smoking pot and I wasn't stressed. I was just hanging out with some friends at a party, then all of a sudden this weird feeling happened. At first I thought I might have been drunk or something, but I only had a sip of whiskey that night. That's pretty much it. If anyone has any feedback that'd be awesome!


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## actor_bs

for me DP is like driving on rollercoaster through endless huge paper pictures. after i cut through one picture i think- "ok I'm a live let's go to another".and it goes like that all the time. there are countless ways that one can describe this state of mind, patterns are allways new, it something like youre allways on high, but in this case you don't feel confortable and safe. sometimes, I like what I see in DP because it can be whole new view on the world, like some romantic old movie, or cartoon.. (but the colors all mostly gray because i developed this from depression)., I see endless possibilities in certain situation, looking on someone's face can be interesting because you can see him in many many versions etc..

going through this i developed some skill to enjoy it sometimes, because fear and panic feed this disorder and make it worse. so people just let it go or enjoy in it. nothing bad will happen, that is the only thing that should be in our mind.

sorry on my bad english, i'm glad that i found you guys!


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## selfassuredfrequency

Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> 
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


This... never heard it described so perfectly...


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## kate

hi my name is kate. i am reading people post about dp. my dp started when i was kid , but it was not constent, it was only for few seconds, sometimes months went but it did not occur. i was a kid and i could not describe the feeling and i was so scared, hugging my mother, she thought i was affraid dark or monsters in the closet, because i could not describe my feeling, 2 years ago it become constant , and it happend in seconds sitting home watching tv with my son, after that life was hell, i could not get out from bed, i couldnot shower, i have family to take care of, but i was completly disfunctional. i had few trips in emergency , but no help, then i went to do some kind of test for my head and i describe my condition to lab technician, she told me some word like spacy feeling, i got home and start research on line and found so many people like me, i thought i wasthe only one, i got some relief i was not the only one, i went to see doctor and prescribed me zoloft. i was on zoloft for a year, it realy helped me alot , my life went normal , i cant say dp/dr was completly gone but i was fine with it , got used to it , had some days never even thought about it. i stoped taking medication almost a year now, but i feel my symptomes coming back, i dont want to go back on meds again, i am trying not to think about it but its impossible. i never smoked cigarret in my life, never drink, i feel better in the evening, mornings are hard,i am trying to hide my feelings from my family, from my son, he is 7 years old. hope you feel better and everyone who is here. thanks for reading


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## mikecriggs

Like a giant, evil impediment laughing in your face every moment of every day.


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## AndreaH

university girl said:


> my dp/dr:
> 
> I believe I have a more dr-like experience...
> 
> I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unreality. I often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.
> 
> uni-girl


I have the same issue with separating noises, like I'm on sensory overload-everything becomes too much. Each day is a little different; today I feel like when I walk my environment is bouncing along with me. Everything looks bigger than it really is and my voice sounds like it's mine but somehow I am separate from it. Other days it feels like I'm stoned, idk, it's really hard to describe the many variations I go through on a day to day basis.


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## Cheese

I have DR.

Pretty much feels like I am being held back from my old perception of the world. For example, I look at my house door and I know how I used to perceive it, in a normal, fulll of detail and color, object.

With DR, it seems very distorted. Almost as though I am being held back from a foggy window from seeing it the way I used to. It basically makes you feel like you are looking through a blindfold, and life or (perception) is so far away from you.

Thank you Marijuana for ruining my life.


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## thomasc1

I find it hard to describe what is wrong with me because there is no set definition of this illness.
For the past couple of years I thought I was depressed and have been diagnosed with depression, but when I looked up the symptoms I had almost all of them.

I feel like I have no control over the outcome of anything, the way I act is automatic e.g when I'm walking somewhere I'll start walking and then within about 5 minutes I'll be like "oh yeah I'v been walking for the past 5 minutes" and during that 5 minutes I have no thoughts. I also feel like whatever personality I had is gone, I know how I could feel about things but I don't feel anything. It's got beyond the point of me being scared of feeling this way because it has gone on for so long.

My main symptoms are having no thoughts at all in my head, feeling dazed/confused all the time and the only thought I have is this (life) doesn't feel real and everything seems so alien.

I'v felt this way for 2 years and I believe its drug use that's caused it.


----------



## blackwaterII

Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> 
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


----------



## blackwaterII

SoulBrotha said:


> i can't even fuckin think straight, like i was just gonna go drop somethin off to this kid, thinking that i had a car, & when i went outside to go to it i realized that my dad has the car & won't be home until before i go to work. I dunno if its this hot weather or what, but i feel so shitty, its like i just wanna crawl up into a ball & die. Im gettin sick of work to, it just gets so boring, all i do is stock shelves & bail cardboard & shit like that. The only good thing is the place is air conditioned.
> 
> I have a question, that im hopeing someone can answer. Do you think that the time that i go to sleep can have an effect on me. Like last night i went to sleep at about 1:30 am & woke up at about 11. Now thats 10 hours sleep, which should be more than enough, but i still feel tired & knocked out. Is it because i went to bed late & woke up late? Like would there be a difference if i say went to sleep at i dunno , 11 and woke up at maybe 9:30, 10 ? that would actually be 10 & a half hours sleep or 11 hours depending, but would the actual times make me feel better?


I'd say try it. It's your body and you should have the control to go to bed when you please. I know how you feel though. It gets frustrating.


----------



## Kanzul

I am self diagnosed with DP as well, been battling with it since I was 14. It keeps getting worse though. I am 21 now


----------



## Fabricio

I look my body and I feel it isn't mine, I feel like a zombie


----------



## I Met Melancholy

DP for me... Well, since my birth i was a odd panicky type of kid, grew up normal, and then i hit highschool, started smoking weed and doing any drug under the sun really, my best friend died and then i was almost killed in a car accident, i started having panic attacks from marijuana at the age of 21 to 22. Then just this past February I had a Huge panic attack from marijuana, wound up in the ER. I stopped smoking buds the next day, then cigarettes a few weeks later,but was left with really bad anxiety. This then turned into full blown DP and DR, I have gotten over the DR, I have no more anxiety, except a little when out in public, but I still struggle with the DP, right now violent thoughts and the inability to feel joy in anything i do is the hardest part, but I am staying strong and not going to let this beat me, I feel myself getting better every week







TO everyone on here, keep your head up, and know when you are at that lowest low, there is someone on here that believes in you, there are a lot of people who believe in you... much love to all my fellow sufferers.

also I am new to this site and I am trying to find my self support as well as give support to anyone feeling down, I have been learning a lot about this beast and 
I also know a lot of ways to cope with it. I am far from perfect again myself and have my bad days, but I have hope still. Though, Feel free to send me any friend requests. We can beat this together







thanks to all who read my story.

Sincerely,
Kenny


----------



## Adorablestephen.

Hello Kenny. My name is Stephen, this is my first time visiting this place of help. I've been up all night, so far unable to sleep. At the moment I feel unconnected to my surroundings and to myself. As I write this I'm sat in a comfy chair. Well I can feel that so that's good. I'm not getting into my story right now. I'm just taking one moment at a time. As soon as people are awake I'm gonna ring my psychiatrist or GP and see if I can see one of my team today. And ring up a friend for support. Until then well I don't know is the answer. ????. I hope you get to read this.


----------



## Dadude

Hi guest_* ,

In my case, I suffer from insomnia AND dpd.. I have had them both for as long as I could remember, and have managed to cope only with my dpd. In fact, I didn't question my perception until I realized how much more engaged others are (but a lot more shallow in comparison).

Having Dpd has been like living in a video game and your body is the character you control. Whats freaky is my body has independent thoughts from the real me lol thats why i thought i may be crazy, until i googled my strange sensations aka. Symptoms.

In detail, i happen to plan every single thing i say in advance in order to optimize the outcome for my own benefit. THATS what i spend my time rumatizing about (among other things).
I also realized that no one else does this since they believe in the 'yolo' concept. So as i grew self-conscious I realized how my thought patterns are different from everyone. Not everyone is an outside observer..

Here is where things get interesting.. The more i'm either nervous or anxious or excited, the more i depersonalize. The later it gets in the night, the more i derealize (i'm an insomniac).

Here's the big kick, i'm trying polyphasic sleep (uberman sleep) to see if i can sleep better that way. It's been my first week, and at nights i feel like ive taken a dissociative or something. I woke up from a nap once thinking i was still dreaming since there was nothing visually different..


----------



## shattered memories

Great topic. Gives me some solace.

Here's my biggest ones:

-Feeling like I never fully woke from last night's dream

-Waking up feeling depressed as hell thinking things wont ever change

-jamais vu, never feeling familiar or comforting with places ive been to 1000 times before. Never really feeling "at home"

-feeling though the center of reality has shifted ever so slightly to where it greatly resembles reality but something is "off" and you cant quite put your finger on it

-brain lacks the ability to associate emotions with people, places, concepts, and memories.


----------



## debi

being human seems unreal and strange, like you are not a human but you don't know what or who you are, looking down on myself it looks like my body does'nt belong and that really, i'm just a little pea inside my head. These feelings are not constant but pretty much make an appearance every day...its terrifying, depressing and uncontrollable xx


----------



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## louise

cabinet123 said:


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----------



## louise

Please go away !


----------



## kah4

I am in the process of seeing if DP/DR is what is wrong with me. When I google the type of symptoms I am having, I keep running into the description for this disease. My experience is that life is like being in a virtual world. The things I hear and feel just can't be real. People talk to me in code of sorts. It is like I have to read between the lines to understand what they are really saying because nothing they say on the surface has any real meaning. I could describe my feelings as living in two worlds at once - one real and one virtual. When I examine things from the perspective of reality, the virtual world makes no sense. Yet it is still real to me. What's more it is painful. The most painful part is knowing that I am mentally ill. Someone here described it as Hell. I get that. It is almost like I created my own Hell and then somehow woke up in it. I have no control over my own mind. Everyone around me thinks that my mind is theirs. My thinking gets so bizarre that it is absolutely absurd and yet I cannot shake the thinking or the feeling. I can only hope there is some kind of treatement for this condition because far too often I think suicide is the only solution. I don't want to die. I just want this insane pain to end.


----------



## Dadude

Well.. Undesired thoughts are usually OCD... a side effect of OCD is paranoia . A side effect of paranoia is dpdr... Its just a theory but give it a thought?


----------



## pappa

i had dp before i took meds so logically speaking i cant blame the meds....

--------------------------

Sacs Longchamp


----------



## half-life

feel "weird". Feel like I'm not "myself". I remember the past and cant believe at the things I said and done, at all that happened. Cant believe this is my life. Feel an emptiness and meaninglessness sense. Feel like I'm gonna just "disappear"


----------



## xxmdogxx

Wendy said:


> While now rereading my post an hour or so later, I cant believe its me who wrote what I wrote. Its like Im reading something that someone else wrote.
> 
> I have problems connecting it to myself. Im sure thats DP!


yea thats a brilliant example of what its like, its like my personality is phasing in and out some moments i and smack back into my life and then boom this shit lasts another 2 months


----------



## xxmdogxx

I don't know if anyone hear gets physical symptoms as well but i get teeth gnashing episodes and my hair is always falling out from the stress im under from this. Some days all the lights seem so bright all i can do is sit there and wait to go to sleep, I can't function AT ALL i havn't heard anyone really have the same physical symptoms as me, also i feel nauseous and my legs are almost whobbily because all my muscles are so tight. Anybody


----------



## 153

Hmm... I'm not sure that I have DPD, self-diagnosed, but I've been experiencing derealization in various degrees for the past three years or so. I've always been a little bit spacey, but recently, I've begun to hallucinate some, in lack of a better word. I feel like I'm gradually "dropping out" of reality for short bits of time -- my surroundings feel kind of hazy, maybe. Colors may become more or less vivid. I may see static or other nonsense above the world I tend to see. My symptoms are much like what I hear HPPD's are. More than anything, I feel that my self grows distant from the sensory world, and I generally become less conscious of my surroundings. When it's most intense, I stop seeing the world around me completely, seeing only very very vivid daydreams. Now, I don't actually fall asleep when this happens; I've gotten this "distancing" feeling before when I've been outside and I've found myself back at home or in a park or something when I "wake up," with only very vague memories (if any) of what happened in between. I've made small purchases before. My episodes are usually brief, usually lasting half an hour to two hours for a rough estimate. What bothers me is that I can't figure out what triggers my states of delirium -- I thought for a long time that it may be stress, or poor diet (I've gone for long periods of time without eating -- I just don't get hungry), or poor sleep, but I can still drift out of reality in my home with a full stomach after a good night's rest. I'm also a diabetic; the symptoms I face are similar to those of hypoglycemia, but I have not noticed blood sugar levels to be linked with my state of mind. It's like having a bad aura; if I'm only slightly derealized, I can't read or write or focus on anything. I feel like all I can do is wait until it passes.

It's like I feel a switch triggering and I begin to tune out of reality. I can sometimes force myself out of it, but with great difficulty. And after a while, I just switch back.

I sometimes hear voices when I'm in what I think of as being a "bad mood" but it's very rare. Effects are almost always visual. I've spent most of my time in my room since effects began to worsen, and I tend to just lie in bed and stare at my ceiling for my periods of psychosis. Sometimes I've seen images flashing into my mind or had very bizarre thoughts, or had delusions ("everyone hates me!" is most common; "God/demons/an angel is talking to me! is another I've had). I've always known or been able to convince myself that I'm just hallucinating, but it doesn't change the effects I experience.

Sorry if I'm using improper terms to describe this all; I'm not well acquainted with psychology. I'm reading a lot of your posts and nodding my head. This is a lot more common than I'd thought!


----------



## shattered memories

Sylvia said:


> A self-created hell.
> You want to know how DP feels? Watch Silent Hill.
> You know that ending seen where they're showing the same scene but she's in one world and her husband is in another? That's what DP feels like to me.


I was thinking exactly the same thing about two days ago...
Actually been thinking about the a lot about the whole series in general lately and how all the games have themes of severe depression/depersonalization linked into them. When my DR hit hards, it feels like how when the town transitions from fog world to nightmare world


----------



## dpisnotunderstanable

its like being in a time machine, no one understands this shit, its soul torture and ANYBODY who had this shit would agree it is torture...


----------



## kanjibasa

kanji no like dpdr

knaji wan normal again

kanji no likes these


----------



## Saus

It feels like my 'self' suddenly disappears or detaches it/myself from me. Paradoxal and extremely deep existencial questions and challenges. Questions that are impossible to get answered, just forces its way through my natural thoughts. Sometimes I'm unsure of what are my real thoughts, and what are caused by DP. Feels like I'm loosing track of who I really am. And in addition to all these feelings, thoughts and sensations, theres usually mild to extreme anxiety.

However, I feel like I've come a LONG way since I got it







Just bothers me ALOT that it is so persisten... just gotta stay positive and accept it for what it is until it goes away naturally


----------



## drewmyster

irratated, sad. lonely evan though i have a wife and son, no drive pissed because while im trying to distract and focus outwards it still doesnt work internal. somepeople pick up on it and it makes my anxiety worse i cant think straight at all. dont know what to do. thinking off going on anti depressent for the big reason of major depression and dp has made it soo much bigger then before . coping is a bitch cause my inner thought has no emotion process of my life and memory is pretty much gone but small clips off life. before i have told my doctor these things and she thinks im a joke or not being serious cause i drink coffee that helps me she thinks its making it worse and she probully right it just helps me get out of bed and get threw the work day but anger and fear run a big part for me not knowing why i am like this.nothing feels real and your intellgence goes away slowly but its worse when u relize it, it trigger anxiety and fear of judgement. and above all else the word insanity plays in huge worring fact in day to day life. thats my real experiences about it, everything changes but u hold on knowing thatl somday it well get better, so distraction help untail that day comes and think possitvely about what i well do after it is gone. as u can tell i cant see beyond what i have wrote here today theres no since of reality and it playes with everything in your mind.


----------



## eddy1886

Fear! Anxiety! Panic! Depression! Lonliness! Sadness! Obsession! Intrusion! Confusion! Lethargy! Insomnia! Exhaustion! Paranoia! Racing! Agrophobia!
Clostrophobia! Insecurity! Self loathing! Meaningless! Pointless! Aimless! Lost! Insane! Spaced! Repetition! Addiction! Negative! Isolated!........

And most of all ALONE!

These are "SOME" of the words i would use to describe the last 22 years of my life since i experienced my first DP panic attack at the age of 18..........


----------



## eddy1886

My DP often makes me question reality..It often gives me the frightening sense that im not part of reality at all..That i am completely delusional and that the world around me and people around me are all made up by my mind...Even as i am typing this i am questioning is this website even real (my DP has kicked in a little) Kinda scarey to be honest!

Does this make sense to anyone else?

Ive had to learn to just ignore these thoughts and tell myself im part of the real world even if DP tries to tell me im not!


----------



## Guest

Sylvia said:


> It hit me one day where I literally watched my world shift from 'normal' to 'detached.' Oddest sensation I have ever experienced.


Ditto.


----------



## LydiRoo

Mine started a long time ago around middle school and got worse over time. I couldn't really control my body ex. couldn't stand up straight, walk straight, focus my eyes etc.. I knew there was something wrong but I didn't know what or that it was serious until I noticed that inanimate objects were breathing, thats the dr, and I realized that it probably was serious and maybe I should ask for help. I didn't immediately ask, although I should have. I waited a few more months( or maybe it was a year, I don't know time gets messed up when you're like that) before asking my mom to see a doctor. It took the doctors a while to find out what was wrong( serious anxiety and a little ocd). I was on meds for about a month or two, just long enough to were I could control my legs normally then I got off it.
I'm doing much better now







I don't have dr at all any more and only the occasional dp usualy lasting a day or two. I've found most of the thoughts that trigger it like putting ridiculous amounts of pressure on myself, over analyzing everthing/everyone, obsessing over figuring something out etc etc.. When you find your triggers you can look for them and relax them when they get there. This has helped me enormously.


----------



## tgtexas5

Hey guys, my name is Josh and I'm really new to this forum. I'm 22 year old and my story is a long one so bear with me. This DP/DR happened to me on August 24, 2012. I was basically dealing with an issue that caused me to get so upset. I got upset and I was stuck like that for about a week even though I didn't want to be upset. After that I was apathetic, no feelings whatsoever. I don't feel attatched to food or music, In the beginning I had moments that would last for hour or a couple days where I could feel things but it just faded and now it's gone. I still had a sex drive in the beginning but over the course of this it faded also. I'm stuck in this fog and I feel disconnected or far away from my sorroundings, I've had tingling or momentary pain in my extremities, headaches, twitches everywhere. My abstract thinking and memory is not what it used to be. Before that day 2 months ago I was sharp as a tac. This might be TMI but the day this happened I noticed abnormal amount of mucus in my stool. I've don't know if any of you have dealt with that in relation to the DP/DR. Every thing I've eaten since that day gets digested really quickly. I have fluctuations throughout the day with my concentration. When it gets bad my coordination is off.

I've been to the ER twice in the last to months and they keep saying they can't find out what's wrong. Yesterday was the third time I went. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling really confused like I was going crazy or something. I've never had any psychiatric issues. During my time at the ER i had two panic attacks. My eyes were dilated and I had a bpm of 133 If any of you have dealt with please let me know. At one point I started to get really mad for no apparent reason but I didn't go off or anything.The doctor at the ER basically told me what he thinks it might be. He said it seems like it could be related to anxiety and that anxiety could manifest itself in different ways and cause basically all these symptoms. I told him I was in fear of my life and he said I shouldn't be. I'm epileptic so I take Tegretol XR. I've been taking it since childhood. He said that it's possible that I've been on it too long and it could be time to think about switching meds. He also said that because of the Tegretol XR I could have a B12 and folic acid deficiency. He said to talk to my primary care physician about testing. The only thing is my insurance is wack and my doctors are not as thoroug as i would like them to be. My fiance has a great job that is willing to put me on her insurance. This currently pending and the only thing is it could take another week for it to kick in. That's gonna be hard because the symptoms have gotten progressively worse over time and I'm wondering if I'll make it to the next day.

This is hard to deal with because I have the most beautiful fiance who is trying her best to be supportive but I know it's taking a toll on her too. I'm like why did thi have to happen to me after I met the woman of my dreams. I would appreciate if any of you could offer any insight or if you could relate to some of the peculiar things I'm going through. I don't find pleasure in the things I used to. I don't laugh and I feel like I've lost my whole peronality. I feel like I'm losing my intelect like I'm going dumb. I just want it to end already!

Possible causes I've conidered:

Tegretol XR
Adrenal Fatigue
Thyroid Dysfunction
Vitamin or mineral Deficiency
Infection (I hope not)


----------



## fsbeats17

My 8 years with this so called DP have been quite interesting. When i was young less than 10 i remember i started to point out to my sisters when ever a man, boy would look at them, at that age i never thought anything of it.. Maybe i was just being protective or something, when i was 17 i smoked marijuana for the first time and yeah sure i was high and liked it, and it became a daily thing to smoke.. But it was not until about 6 or 7 months of smoking that i started to notice that i was not getting that relaxing high anymore it caused extreme paranoia. I was so intrigued that i continued to smoke to see if i could control it, but failed miserably, the uncontrol of my mind was impossible. So i completely said I'm stopping this now, and i did. 
What i have gathered is that those signs of when i was younger about pointing out these unusual things out to my family, was not something bad but i actually took it as if i had a special gift, so what this means is what the marijuana did was increased these so called powers, it triggered them. Ive seen a total of 8 doctors.. And have been diagnosed with different things, sone would say that it was just depression but as mist if you should know by now what you are feeling is NOT depression. Another said social anxiety, then another said Aspergers, then bi polar.. I was given medication but did not help but that failed miserably. I gave up on trying to get help from the "experts" and took control and self diagnosed. I am now 25 years old going on almost 9 years with this. I am literally in a video game a first person game where I'm controlling my self with a controller looking at my self controlling myself and looking at a screen.
Thats what i call freaky sh**. I feel so awake i hear other peoples conversations, people start to become extremely predictable... If you think about it these people we are comparing ourselves with are the ones that are still dreaming, its almost as if they are so hypnotized they do not see what we see.

Don't throw this gift away, don't worry, your not ill its not a sickness. If you want back in the dream, you need to distract yourself with activities, distraction is key. 
Now if you don't want back in the dream like me, get good at it... You will become a very intelligent individual.

By the way ive tried getting back in the dream and failed.... 
Hope this helps, if you have any questions ask.


----------



## xxmdogxx

Inflammed said:


> Even after 10 years of DP/DR, this is still hard to depict it clearfully but here it goes !
> 
> In a matter of seconds, I feel a switch, something changed within me.
> Like my brain is functionning at 20%, only receiving 50% of all outer stimulis like perceptions, smell, vision, feelings, hearing.
> My legs feels heavy. When I move my body I have the feeling that my brain doesn't fully understand what I'm doing.
> 
> It also feels like all my perceptual receptors are shutted down, I feel wether taller or smaller than usual, like 1 foot higher or smaller, I see things smaller or bigger too, like everything is in 2 dimension, out of reach.
> If I touch something, like if my arm is layed on a table, It doesn't feel right, as I said, it feels like my skin receptors are working at minimum =)
> 
> I walk and each step, the flooer seems to be on a different level.
> Seated, I feel like the chair is going to eat me ! haha ! (I'm serious=)
> Again all the receptors that tells the brain : YOUR BACK IS TOUCHING THE SEAT AND YOUR ARM IS ON THE STEERING WHEEL are not fully working.
> Concentration is gone, memories too, I get into survival mode, nothing is important anymore except getting better.
> Constant impression that I,m going to faint or that I will remain in that state, or that it will get worst.
> 
> My vision is blurred, seeing spots, distorted, reality changed.
> 
> I feel like I just had an acid...Unreal.
> Like my soul is going to drift away.
> 
> My triggers are :
> Lack of sleep and food.
> Intense exercisse
> Artificial Lights
> FOOD !!!!! (fast food is my worst ennemy)
> Extreme Stress
> Weather changes...like weird sunset or days without sun.
> I also noticed that almost each day when it gets dark, my eyes are having a really hard time seeing correctly and it triggers DR.
> 
> My helpers are :
> Daily exercisse
> Eating Bio, nothing chemichally modified.
> Doing something of my day
> Having a constant schedule in sleeping and eating habits
> Driving !
> Relaxing (breathing)
> Music (doing and listening)


wow really interesting post you described it so well when you said I feel taller or smaller, for me it as if all the "filters" off my brain have been turned off and this is just not good. Again you nailed it when you said you go into survival mode, that is it and your consumed about ridding your body and mind from this specific but impossible to transcribe feeling.


----------



## natekc1

does anybody just feel like your not taking anything in 24/7 like im not processing anything just doing things i feel like my reg self is gone all ambitions goals emotions love etc and my memory is gone its so hard to describe all i do is basicaly sit in my room not thinking and sleeping it lifts barely barely later in the day but in the morning its horrible i feel like lifeless its like my concious thinking is gone idk i dont even rarely will i feel some anxiety im in this state of mind 24/7 its like i lost my views of life a big blankk nothingness and also i feel like i changed idk just feel fucked up phsyciatrist says depression yet i had deppression and this isnt it ik that depression dont change who you are so idk if anybody can relate or has a reply go ahead


----------



## eddy1886

Your not alone Natekc1....Everybody on this site knows what your talking about!


----------



## chelsy010

Wow wendy, I don't have to explain my DP cause you just did and did it so well.

It also feels like an affliction that I am trying by best to accept and live with until one day, hopefully it disappears. my DP is getting a little better each day because I don't fight it anymore. I just sit in it and the feelings get less and less. I still have the DP but the DR is gone now. Things finally looks normal, which is nice. And my moments of feeling like myself are small but I am greatful for when I feel them even if its for a couple minutes. From my experience the more you fight it and give it attention is the worse it gets.


----------



## xxmdogxx

dpisnotunderstanable said:


> its like being in a time machine, no one understands this shit, its soul torture and ANYBODY who had this shit would agree it is torture...


 dude im pretty sure I've said that exact thing... your so right and I've never heard anyone completely agree with me which is such an important distinction


----------



## Matisyn

Hey all, I'm not quite sure if I should be here. To be honest I'd never heard of DP/DR before today, I am not one for self diagnosis- kinda like someone who diagnosis' themselves has a fool for a patient. However I do have thoughts/actions/feelings that I didn't know that I shared with others, or that they were not normal for that matter.

Let me explain, its hard to put into words so I hope I make sense to someone lol. When I was 21 there was a brutal car accident outside of my home, a young girl -maybe 17 at most- was in a car that was broadsided. I have CPR training so I ran out to assist. This girl was pinned under her steering wheel, her car crushed in on top of her. She was grey by the time I reached her car, I could see the pulse in her neck she was alive but barely. The severity of the damage to the car prevented me from being able to reach her to help. We lived in a small town so the jaws of life were not readily available to rip the car apart, all I could do was watch this poor child die. I watched as the pulse in her neck stopped beating, she was gone long before the fire dept. arrived. I felt useless, I remember that I let her die. What I do not remember at all is that her arm was severed from her body, I do not remember any blood at all let alone a severed arm. I remember the pulse in her neck. Sometimes I'm not sure I remember that or if it was something I made up in my mind, or if I was even there at all. I'm not even sure a lot of the time if she was there. Perhaps it's my minds way of coping with it. That was the first time I experienced anything like that. 
I am now 30, I have lost memories, I am unsure of memories, I can figure out whether I am making them up or not of if they are something experienced in a past life. There are times that I am convinced that I am not real, part of a video game, a movie character, book character, what if I am actually dead and I am wandering endlessly across the earth watching things that aren't happening to me? Have you ever smoked weed and had a time lapse? You know how it feels like you blank out and it feels like you have been that way for a very long time? But when you snap out of it you've only been away from your mind for seconds? I feel that way all the time, I would be at work and I would blank out but when I came back I would panic because I don't have a clue how long I was like that. I have involuntary muscle spasms, thoughts that are not my own, I often would be riding in my car and a thought pops into my head telling me to open the car door and jump out, it would precede to wonder what would happen it I did. I have conversations in my head about that one in particular... here's how it goes....
(unwanted thought about jumping out of the car)
"Now why would I think that?"
"I don't know, why would you think that?"
"How would I know?"
"You should know"
The thing is, I am not nor have I ever been suicidal so why would I have that thought. It is not my own.
I have problems articulating my words, numbers are a bitch. I would read a price in my head 1.29 and yet no matter how many times I say it it comes out 2.91. I say words that in my head do not sound right even though my co-workers assure me that what I am saying is correct- to me it sounds like jibberish. I do things that I do not remember doing for example at work I will carry out my duties but I do not recall doing them. I do things and say things that I KNOW are wrong, that I shouldn't do but I do it anyhow. I feel alone, I am so alone it hurts physically even though my husband is sitting next to me.. he may as well not even be there. Sometimes I feel so lonely that I don't want anyone near me if that makes sense. I see things that are not there while I am in my bed, its dark I shouldn't see anything to be honest. But I see spiders or people or the ceiling falling in on me, all sorts of terrifying things that sends me scurrying out of bed to safety. I have no real feelings for anyone anymore, sometimes I love everyone so much a moment later I am indifferent. When people die I don't care, my uncle drowned a year ago and I didn't care, when my husbands grandpa died I didn't care, when my nephew died of sids I didn't care... I pretended to care but inside I felt empty and all the while I felt broken like I should feel something but I couldn't bring myself to. Perhaps I am a crazy or a hypocondriac or I am imagining things I have no idea but I feel wrong, like there is something missing. 
Thoughts?
~Matisyn


----------



## Sebastchen

Hi Matisyn (and others),

I'm also new to this board, but I'm not new to depersonalization. I first encountered it thirty years ago, and I've been medicated for both depression and anxiety ever since. As Matisyn said, it's like I'm watching myself in a movie or a video game. Usually, it was set off by mirrors (which makes sense in a way), but lately, anything or nothing triggers it.

Has anyone experienced depersonalizaiton occastionally for a many years and found that it suddenly began happening with great frequency?

I'm already taking all of the medications that are usually prescribed, so this is disconcerting.

Anyway, Matisyn, I believe you're in the right place.







As for being crazy, one of my favorite counselors used to emphasize "There are no crazy people. There are sane people dealing with crazy circumstances."

Seb


----------



## qtip

i feel like,
everybody thinks i am an idiot
my emotions are complex automated responses,
i dont develope true connections with people even my close friends
i have no motivation to improve my life
the art i make is corny and laughable
the things i say or do sound ok at the moment, but when i think back upon it i regret saying it and cant stop analyzing my stupidity
im extremely introverted
the things i enjoy doing i dont actually care about and seem like a waste of time
the only thing that helps is smoking weed,
i cant sustain eye contact
im a generally akward individual
im very self concious about my actions and other output
other people seem to hove no problems doing the things i cant and it makes me envious
like im in a big catch 22
people seem unreal(as if im the only one who experiences?)hard to explain
i cant even write this shit good enough to express how i feel


----------



## sade19900

Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


----------



## sade19900

hello my name is sade, ive been diagnosed with depersomlization but everyday i wake up and i dont feel i exsist in the slitest its so scary im so agitated and irrtable i cant connect with anyone or anything its not a feeling in my head it is there and i cant even do the stuff i used to do anymore.. im pertrified i just want to die i cannot stand this feeling nomore i saw a neurophscatrist the other day and he said exercise and come off anti depperssents im on seterline cutting it down to 25mg a day for a week then coming off im also on pregabalin 150mg a day i was on diazepam and now off that im also on zipiclone 7.5mg which he has told me to stay on and the pregabalin but im just not the person i used to be







ive lost my personality my whole world and life i feel empty and scared im desperate to be me again and be able 2 function again which i cant, concentrate, function,bad memory,forgetfulness,pace,agitated,irrtable,feel i have gone mad i dont drink or do drugs i just dont know how to get better and is coming off meds the right thing to do? i have been on so many diff meds since april this year...im 22 and lost my life i cant think positive atall i h8 everyday someone please help me id like to meet someone with the same problem ?


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## memo5248

My depersonalization started with smoking weed....did any one else's started like that?


----------



## memo5248

this shit is crazy didnt realize how many have this.....Any one know of any doctors that actually practice Depersonalization...and can actually help????


----------



## memo5248

sade19900 said:


> hello my name is sade, ive been diagnosed with depersomlization but everyday i wake up and i dont feel i exsist in the slitest its so scary im so agitated and irrtable i cant connect with anyone or anything its not a feeling in my head it is there and i cant even do the stuff i used to do anymore.. im pertrified i just want to die i cannot stand this feeling nomore i saw a neurophscatrist the other day and he said exercise and come off anti depperssents im on seterline cutting it down to 25mg a day for a week then coming off im also on pregabalin 150mg a day i was on diazepam and now off that im also on zipiclone 7.5mg which he has told me to stay on and the pregabalin but im just not the person i used to be
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ive lost my personality my whole world and life i feel empty and scared im desperate to be me again and be able 2 function again which i cant, concentrate, function,bad memory,forgetfulness,pace,agitated,irrtable,feel i have gone mad i dont drink or do drugs i just dont know how to get better and is coming off meds the right thing to do? i have been on so many diff meds since april this year...im 22 and lost my life i cant think positive atall i h8 everyday someone please help me id like to meet someone with the same problem ?


 yo what up....ive been going through the same thing too...mine started with smokin weed and i havent been right since...from feeling un real to feeling like im outside my body...i over think everything..sometimes i feel like im not talking but i am talking...like im not here but im here...ive been on meds and honestly i feel like they make me worst...so now i only take vitamin b6 and daily vitamins ..THEY HELP....not right away but little but little u start feeling the difference...stay away from drugs...caffeine..energy drinks all that just make it worst...I wish there was just a medicine doctors prescribed to make all this go away but there isnt ....just stay strong...it'll get better believe me ive been there more than a couple times...ive had really bad weeks(not DAys) where i cant take this no more but somehow i always end up feeling better..it feels like ur not but u do


----------



## eddy1886

DPD2 said:


> It's like having an evil twin living in the same head


Perfect description! It can often feel like being 2 people!


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## switchbackon

I have had DP two times in my life. First time, at age 11 after discovering I could think about very abstract things, plus I was also anxious about some things going on in my life like changing schools. Anxiety was present my whole life, I grew up in an emotionally neglectful sometimes abusive household so there's that. By my mid20s it had gone away; I was determined and goal oriented about everything in life and just loved living life to the fullest. Some bad experiences happened in personal relationships and it seemed I just had a string of bad luck. After one particular incident, I kind of snapped for a moment in the midst of all the stress and pain. I felt totally gone, as if I had disappeared and lost touch with myself and was never coming back....suddenly I panicked having remebered the thing I had long forgotten how to do: depersonalize. It took me a long time to recover because one of the hardest parts to deal with is the Pandora's Box thing. Once you open that box up -it's open. But, fortunately it IS possible to forget this stupid over-thinking hellacious stuff. Accept that life is a mystery. Don't question it. Live it. Eat well. Vitamin Bs are very good for this. Have yourself checked for a variety of migraines, too. There is such a thing as the Alice in Wonderland migraine where things appear smaller or larger than they should and where you feel strange because the headache throws your perspective off. Also, check for whatever stresses you, frightens you or causes you anxiety and do the work to manage that. You may need a doctor who can prescribe things for you or you may be able to do it au-natural. Stay in the flow of life with other people. It IS possible, remember, to live like "normal" people do. We were not wired to exist like invisible numb ghosts. Guarantee if you lost your ability to find food or a place to shelter yourself in harsh elements --your DP would be cured, too. It's a very luxurious little illness, characteristic of our culture where we have a LOT of what is basically needed to exist as a mammal. So, we have leisure time to think , think, think...Well...stop thinking and start living. Laugh, too. I also guarantee for some of you that farts and burps are as funny as hell. Speaking of that, the human mind can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Let it be the laughing at the farts and not the DP that fills your minds. This is all I can offer as someone who has been there and done that. Yes, once in a blue moon that little DP creeps in and I shake it off by telling myself that I broke up with it and I am never speaking to it again. Best of luck to all of you. Again, this is just from a DP'er (former) not a DR or anything so make sure you check out any available help if needed from one.


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## Caglar K

I feel like this will never gonna end.. even though it eventually will.. The worse thing besides the distorted vision is the thoughts spinning in my head. So many fucking thoughts and flashbacks about everything related with my DP/DR. I have some good days which are the days I really feel to get better. My bad days are the days when I lose my hope about getting better. But it is generally going up and down... So far 4 months living in the hell.. I hope everyone of us suffering from this weird/scary experience will turn back to life with the pink glasses..

Never lose the hope


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## jjpp21

* Guest_Janinebaker_* explained it really well. DP is like the extreme version of relativism, where you see things in absolute objectivity, with no subjective meaning. The idea is to not have self or a personal view of the world. DR is the opposite, where it is intensified solipsism, and reality is rejected for the subjective view of the world. I am a former DP and I am so glad the thoughts finally got under control. I found studying epidemiological philosophy, psychology, and metaphysics helps a lot in rebuilding your subjective meaning of the world and develop more holistic thoughts. DPs are also usually horrible at math if it is not memorization or ingrained in them, because they don't see things in any kind of subjective 'perfections' that is required for math. This was one of my main reasons I wanted to be completely out of my depersonalization, because I wanted to study science and that is hard without math. Faith is not a bad thing. Have faith in reality and yourself. *


----------



## jjpp21

* Guest_Janinebaker_* explained it really well. DP is like the extreme version of relativism, where you see things in absolute objectivity, with no subjective meaning. The idea is to not have self or a personal view of the world. DR is the opposite, where it is intensified solipsism, and reality is rejected for the subjective view of the world. I am a former DP and I am so glad the thoughts finally got under control. I found studying epidemiological philosophy, psychology, and metaphysics helps a lot in rebuilding your subjective meaning of the world and develop more holistic thoughts. DPs are also usually horrible at math if it is not memorization or ingrained in them, because they don't see things in any kind of subjective 'perfections' that is required for math. This was one of my main reasons I wanted to be completely out of my depersonalization, because I wanted to study science and that is hard without math. Faith is not a bad thing. Have faith in reality and yourself. *


----------



## speedmetal80s

I have lived with this for 2 years soon, been planning to end my life seriously when it's worst. The panic attacks are devastating, I could get them many times in a day. Now I feel a bit better, it's still there but more accepted. I can controll myself and calm down. Often I imagine it how it would be and planning different ways to do so. it has learned me to see death in another way.

I feel like living in my own world. Separated from the rest of the world. I can see it but can't enter it. Or living in a dream and never waking up. What I see doesn't seem clear. It feels unreal, far away. Even if I'd touch it it doesn't seem real. What i hear seem to be parts from a movie already decided what's going to be said and what will happen.

My body doesn't feel like mine. My hands move when I make them move but I don't feel like it's me doing so. I don't recognize my voice, hear it but don't feel like I'm saying them. I'm avoiding looking people into their eyes because it feels like they'd look through me like I was a ghost, they feel like far away to me.

I can't handle time. It takes me back, gives me déjà vu which happens quite often. I analyze the past over and over again in detail. Count the minutes and hours. Then I can't remember anything. Get scared of myself because I think I'm starting to become insane. Now I've started to isolate from beeing social. To hear people talk doesn't feel real. Nothing feels real it's always there like an addiction.


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## Petrucci6565

For me, dp and dr have been very constant for the last 5 years or so. It's incredibly strange to even try to explain it, but id say its a detachment from myself and from my surroundings. I've heard people with major depression say they feel like they aren't living, that they're just existing. For me and I'd think most people with dp, it doesn't even feel like I'm existing the vast majority if the time. I have strange moments of clarity, I guess you could call it, where I see things in a more normal way, more like how I used to. Some people call it "waking up". I think that's a great way to put it, because I have a strange, foggy and disoriented sensation that is present about 98% of the time that resembles a dream-state. When I "wake up" for a little bit, or even just a few seconds, sort of ironically, I sometimes get really weirded out. I guess this is because I've experienced these depersonalized and derealized states for so long that it can now feel incredibly weird when I feel any other way. When I "wake up" I can see everything so much more clearly, and I perceive things more normally. I'll become suddenly aware of my situation and my condition and I can't belief what's been happening to me. It almost feels like... maybe what it would feel like if a guy suddenly became conscious after experiencing amnesia. But he can remember everything that happened for the past several years, he just doesn't remember doing any of it.

Numbed emotions is a huge thing for me too. Someone on here described it well with feeling "extreme objectivity". I don't feel most things, so I don't really have any personal feelings about anything. When I listen to music, I observe it rather than feel it and enjoy it, almost in a scientific manner sometimes. I also don't feel connected to anyone, like I've seen other people say. I haven't felt "close" to anyone in a long while. It's really like living in oblivion.


----------



## Petrucci6565

.


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## Henry50

memo5248 said:


> My depersonalization started with smoking weed....did any one else's started like that?


Yes! 
I remember having some symptoms of DP when i was younger, about 8 years old where i would look at myself in the mirror and not recognise the reflection of myself. Fortunately i grew out of this and thought it was all over until i was round at a friends house who was smoking weed about 2 months ago. I only had a few drags but it brought all the DP issues back from my childhood. Now nothing seems real, i'm finding it really hard to string sentences together, interract with people and my short term memory has completely gone. Hopefully if i just stay away from weed everything will eventually go back to normal. Here's to hoping


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## player1

all i can say is this.... try to enjoy the empty headedness.. atleast fo rme thats how it was.. igot dp because i was so stressed out aka racing thoughts... its really the only thing u can do..

also...does anyone heere feel like they r on the verge of a full recovery.. and i mean like trully positively close to being one hundred percent.;.no doubts.

anywya, the reason i asked this is because i am comign out of my dp and i get feelings i ve never felt before.. i miss my dad.. and ivve never really had feelings like this. or this strong. im scared im going to change (as a person and not to mention for the worse...) pls help if u have input. i would much appreciate it..


----------



## Lone_Panther27

For me, it started in a few years ago, it started with a panic attack that came out of Nowhere, then it after a couple of months of trying to get over it, i fell into a deeper hole....i was in my school where it feel like something just snapped or switched in my brain and I had this super intense realization of that I was in my body, i became overwhelmed with fear and this deep feeling of sadness, I was looking everything as if it was foreign, looking at my hands, knees, arms, my surroundings and questioning everything i felt like everything wasn't mine, like my own thoughts weren't my own, as if i wasn't myself, Idk how to explain it, altho that feeling I got isn't the same anymore and since then it's been periodic, and i have gotten over it, but now it's back, altho not in the same form but it's really interfering with my dealing life and it's not making me enjoy life in the way that i use to...i want to get rid of this..how can i? i wish i could just forget this feeling and this way of thinking, i sometimes feel like not wanting to be in my own body or something, it's weird... Don't get me wrong i was fine...for quite some time i was doing very well, i was moving on but then it hit me again...Anyways, this is just the jist of it, I know there's more to it but i'm afraid if i keep on writing, and making this longer people won't read it...have a good day


----------



## Guest

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----------



## Guest

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----------



## player1

wow wtf i was so close to recovery and i slipped back into dp. i dont think ill ever recover. i want to cry but cant..


----------



## Rabbitninjaassassin

Ill take a crack at this describing stuff. First off Ill talk about what its like. Its like being in a dream kind of like not real or as everybody says watching your body from a different perspective. You feel like you are in a dream and everything seems different. I can interact with people work with things and live a somewhat normal life on some days other days ill be completely detached while playing on my laptop or watching the tv. When im really busy or having what would have been really thrilling life seems somewhat normal. Still it feels different. I smoked marijuana for two and a half months and one day i smoked and the high was so intense that i thought it was laced. I went back and did the same then next day and smoked only half as much as was tripping so i stopped instantly and never picked it up again. A few weeks later i had an anxiety attack which freaked me out. I knew it was anxiety because i experienced these after smoking synthetic weed. After the day of anxiety i woke up feeling like i was really high without the good feeling, like a crappy high. I went about my day and a week later went to the docs to see what was up. He said that it was probably anxiety so he prescribed me meds that i never took. I didnt think it was only anxiety so i did research and came across this it was been around seven months and ive had good and bad days but never excellent days. Other experienced symptoms and extreme exaustion. I can sleep for hours and still be super tired and have a strong dp experience going on. some times i will be awake but all of a sudden have an urge to sleep. I also have anxiety from time to time for any reason and experience occasional anxiety attacks which have worn down and i havent experienced a full blown anxiety attack for a month now and before that i was experiencing them twice a week for a few months and eventually i gained control over them. I also experience hypochondriac states where if i feel something wierd i freak out and have to look up symptoms just to make sure im not going to die. I though am going strong im continuing through college like planned and trying to be successful. I urge everybody experiencing this to continue through likfe and not let it get you down some days i want to give up and do nothing other days i fight back. Please dont let it get to you. as for any other symptoms other than what feels like a headache and my head gets warm i cant think of others i hope this helps.


----------



## Anesthetic

Well said.



> NZRecovery" data-cid="275825" data-time="1356770169">
> 
> Its the feeling of unreality, not having the grasp of true reality, and all the normal feelings that associate with reality.
> its terrifying when you don't realize what is happening to you psychologically,
> It involves deep thought processes, which obsess you and convince you to believe in stupid thoughts, that are highly improbable, and unjust.
> Ultimately the worst feeling of derealization, depersonaliztion for me was the loss of control, of the body, not so much physically, but mentally.
> i am currently recovering, because of the different thought process's that i apply to the ones that i do not want to be repetitive.
> Check out my profile i put alot of my journey and a bout me in the "About me" section


----------



## fraginfo

I have derealisation, I mean I feel like in a dream, my vision is blurred, I feel as if i was stoned, it is permanent. I have a lot of anxiety but tend to calm it by relaxation


----------



## fraginfo

Hello, I have derealisation: I have a blurred vision, I feel disconnected all the time, feel like in a film, as if I was not in reality , I feel like that permanently. I feel a lot of anxiety too.

Bye

Calif


----------



## mipmunk40

a living hell every day 24/7 unless I am asleep. A total stranger to myself, who the hell am I....... where have I gone?.........


----------



## Grublet

deleted.


----------



## serial stranger

everything feels alien. first the outside world begins to seem foreign and hazy, like a poisonous fog has just rolled in and it's clouding your mind. you lose your memory. trying to remember important details about your own life becomes impossible. concentrating on anything feels impossible. sometimes there are very brief moments of clarity and that feels like you're emerging from deep underwater, breathless, and looking around briefly at the sky and the world around you before you're shoved back down under the waves to continue drowning. your mind feels completely blank and empty. you have no opinions or feelings or thoughts on anything. your own body feels weird and unnatural. you don't recognize yourself in the mirror, or the sound of your own voice. everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. the world outside you doesn't exist- just your warped perception of it. you don't exist either. there's something missing in you that keeps you separate from other people. you're in a stasis and the most uncomfortable part is the distinct timelessness. you never know if something happened ten days ago or ten hours ago. it's all just one continuous stretch.

that's how i feel all the time. very displaced and unreal. it's such an unsettling thought that it sends me into waves of panic, which only make me focus on the feelings of unreality and not being a person even more.


----------



## Dr. Dahlby

It started 4 years ago when i had been in agonizing mental pain for a year, withdrawing from bensodiazepies. Before i went to this weird rehab/prison outside a small villade in Småland, Sweden I could easily pop 20 ambien a day. Under these years of pain and bad sleep, my time started to go so incredibly fast, weeks went by whitout me noticing it. I didnt understand the world and felt separated from both my own feelings and the world around me. Today I going last year at an artschool in Sweden and i've had a great time in one way. I just cant appreciate it like everything else i accomplish or things that made me happy before. Life really sucks with all this angst and pain all the time. I hope I can find support and friends in this forum. 
/ dr. D


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## EternalCondition

It's terrible, but still has its humor, I'm now almost completely convinced trees grow backwards


----------



## JustDavid

New guy here. Reading this thread got me to join.

What it feels like for me:

I feel nothing, yet I feel everything.

The person I am watching is well liked. Some people even say he is wonderful.

This makes me mad,

because they don't really know me.

This makes me proud,

because I created this person out of silly putty and papier mache.

Or something like that.

Sometimes I feel as though I can see reality warping before my very eyes, everything distorted, as though the picture within the frame is being sucked into a black hole.

This makes me dizzy.

And fuzzy.

And crazy.

I truly know what it means to argue with myself.

And lose.

I dissect my brain, finding the interesting bits, and analyze them through 3D glasses.

Some people think I have great insight.

I don't know what they mean.

What I do,

how I feel,

who I am comes from outside my body.

I am looking down.

Analyzing.

Trying to connect the right wires.

So that I can actually know what game everyone else is playing.

I feel nothing. I feel everything.


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## SheWontFollow

Normal things seem completely odd to me, for example: day and night, time, going to bed at night, thinking, eating etc. I tend to become obsessed with death and the thought that I don't have much time left, what happens afterwards and so on. I've thought about these things frequently before I got dp but never to the extent that I have now. I have acquired seperation anxiety, I don't like being alone anymore. The only time I feel normal is when I am hanging out with someone, distracted at work or sleeping.


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## jack east

kind of weird but another reason to move on


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## sae

This is a can of worms question.

I wear jewelry simply because the weight or sound of it reminds me that I am in the room.
I often forget I am wearing said jewelry.

I have scared myself walking past a mirror.

I have tactile rituals that I follow to keep myself focused in a conversation. Without them I forget I am involved.

My words and thoughts are most true when I write them and can see them. Talking is too abstract.

I cannot read social cues at all. This leads me to believe most are offended in some way by my presence.

My presence is offensive to myself when I actually notice myself.

My life outside of my home is filled with mental checklists and scripted rhetoric. Without these things I am completely lost.

I often find my keys in the freezer.

My surroundings are always new and usually disorienting, even in my own home. I have long since given up attempting meticulous organization.

TryIng to stay organized stresses me. I am so worried I will forget where things go.

The sensation of pain in my body feels foreign and less urgent than it probably should be.

My hands are not mine, they just do what I want them to... sometimes.

The only jobs I have successfully held down were all route driving jobs. Once I learn a route I am absent from myself behind the wheel, a spectator watching the evolving scenery with interest.

When I finish a good book I cry because I feel as if very good friends have just moved away.

I crave emotional connection with others, but seldom achieve it.

Sleeping with the person or close physical contact reinforces the emotional connection.

I am deathly afraid of toasters.

I am in a constant state of emotional analyzation. Nothing I feel comes without questioning the logic behind it. If I am unable to justify a n emotion I do not react to it.

Others who react to their emotions wildly piss me off.

Anger, my own, someone else's, justified or not sends me into a panic. I Have only felt true anger twice.

I am content for several hours staring blankly, recalling mundane memories. Often it will take a while for me to remember it as just a memory and not present day.

I often do not watch TV as I find the emotional investment tiring.

I cannot hold a normal circadian rhythm. Moments in which my mind is not conscious seem wasted. I am most absent from my surroundings when I sleep and often fear I will lose myself and not wake up.

I constantly obsess over the advent of my own death and the finality of permanent loss of consciousness. This has only increased since my near death 2 years ago. Everynight is a panic attack, fearing death in my sleep, that only ends when the medication proves stronger than my will to stay awake.

Sometimes i can stay awake anyway.

The sensation of carpet under my legs distresses me.

I often have people repeat what they say even though I heard it clearly the first time, it just failed the analysis process and needed a second run through.

Nothing is truly arbitrary but I love things that come close, especially food ie. Snack mixes, ice cream flavors with more than five ingredients, etc.

I talk too much.


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## Johnnychemonic

Janine Baker nailed it. I have her experience as well as all of the classical anxiety dissorder and depression symptoms. It is a living nightmarish hell from which there is no escape.


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## Camellia

Grublet said:


> i was iffy about even writing this but for me i just feel like everything that once made me what i was is completely gone. i was so sure of myself all the time, REALLY happy, energetic, excited beyond belief about just being alive, and motivated.
> 
> i'm none of that now. i'm tired, not even sure if i'd say numb i can't feel any positive emotion but i can feel upset. for the longest time i tried completely avoiding my symptoms like nothing was wrong just to have a major breakdown every couple of days. and that was stupid of me i guess i just felt like there was nothing else i could do but wait..either way i suggest you face whatever issues you think this may have stemmed from. thats advice i have yet to use lolol
> 
> i can't think, having a conversation with me is pointless i feel so stupid every time i speak and like i have nothing of use to say. i was opinionated before, i felt strongly on things and i don't care anymore. its like for me every time i talk it takes me a little bit to process whats beingsaid before i realize. i dont even know if thats a symptom of dp but i wasn't like that before i smoked. i use to live off caffine, now most of the time i cut myself off from it because my anxiety gets so bad. in the middle of saying something i'll have no clue what i was talking about. blank mind -worst. i feel like an airhead with absolutely nothing going on up there. nothing makes sense and i know its dp and that's why nothing seems to make sense but i can't shake it off. my body, my voice doesn't feel like it's mine but i've grown use to that and i hate it. writing this right now it doesn't feel real but it was 10X worse in the beginning. i can't even take arguments, i zone out now, my memory is total shit, i feel bland/boring, and i literaly cannot feel excitement, i feel so cut off from everything and it makes me not want to speak to anyone.
> 
> the only thing that helps me is meditation. relaxes me, but it fades and takes effort which i lack because i have 0 motivation left. not tryna wallow in self pity although it sucks. im taking 5-HTP, zinc, vitamin c, vitamin b, sometimes i take omega fish oil pills. p.s. i was diagnosed and i have a different doctor now and im pretty sure he agrees with her diagnosis also. anyway, i just started lamictal so hopefully i'll get better in a couple months.


I'd like to hear if it worked (if you're still around).

I was going to write out my own little testimonial but you've pretty much done it for me. Above all, what I'd like to overcome is the loss of energy, the loss of my own voice, the zoning out and the sounding like an air-head thing: those times when I'm ventriloquated by this problem. I am currently working among some of the (seemingly) most verbose and energetic people in the planet, and its embarrassing and depressing that I can barely contribute anything to my colleagues conversations.



> Janine Baker nailed it. I have her experience as well as all of the classical anxiety dissorder and depression symptoms. It is a living nightmarish hell from which there is no escape.


"An oasis of horror in a desert of boredom", perhaps?


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## JamesPj3

I hate my life, that's what it's like. Everything looks blurry and you never feel excited, happy, sad, mad, just confused and worthless and scared.


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## Lorelai

I have had the 'broken record syndrome' ever since i was 15 years old. It was a phrase of a song i would pick up on the radio or a song i would like and it would repeat itself over and over and over again. Untill i'd fall asleep and would start again when i wake up. If i was under low stress it would be like soft music on the background. If i was under a lot of stress it would be as loud as being in a concert standing next to the speakers.

Strange thing though that almost cured it. I went to the dental surgeon in march this year. He clinically removed three of my wisdom teeth. It is pretty much gone now. Only when i am under a lot of stress it is like soft music in the background.

Lorelai


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## Guest

Lorelai said:


> I have had the 'broken record syndrome' ever since i was 15 years old. It was a phrase of a song i would pick up on the radio or a song i would like and it would repeat itself over and over and over again. Untill i'd fall asleep and would start again when i wake up. If i was under low stress it would be like soft music on the background. If i was under a lot of stress it would be as loud as being in a concert standing next to the speakers.
> 
> Strange thing though that almost cured it. I went to the dental surgeon in march this year. He clinically removed three of my wisdom teeth. It is pretty much gone now. Only when i am under a lot of stress it is like soft music in the background.
> 
> Lorelai


I've done the same thing as well, but it wasn't until recently that I've thought about it much. I always seem to have some kind of music in my head, unless I'm really focused on something. I usually think it's how I keep myself from ruminating on unpleasant things I'd rather not think about.


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## Lorelai

Antimony said:


> I've done the same thing as well, but it wasn't until recently that I've thought about it much. I always seem to have some kind of music in my head, unless I'm really focused on something. I usually think it's how I keep myself from ruminating on unpleasant things I'd rather not think about.


Hi Antimony,

I'm sorry that you have to go through that as well. Like you, I do think it is our brain's self defence mechanism. It didn't bother me that much when i was under a little stress. But at times i was under a lot of stress it felt unbearable. It became louder than any other surrounding sound. I couldn't hear or focus myself on any conversations. Now that it is almost gone it's a relief. Silence can be scary for a lot of people. But for me to be able to experience silence is a blessing..

Lorelai


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## DepersonalizationIsCrap

The Answer from The Who I'm I and What is reality Question


__
https://soundcloud.com/depersonalization-is-crap%2Fsounds-from-monday-morning


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## K_GAD

Hi, i have suffered with this for many years and I am only just starting to accept it and talk about it. I am now hitting mid 30's and want to change my life. i am researching as many different avenues as possible to try and help me. self help, forums, websites, books, shall i go on... ;-))

I have had so many cases like i feel i am having an out of body experience. especially when i am at work and things become very stressful. i have tried to control it, but it lately it seems to be getting worse. the older i am getting the more i am realsing how much it is controlling my life and everything i do. Its becoming now that i am scared of leaving the house. Getting to my place of work can take me at least an hour now to leave the house. If i dont do all of my checks my anxiety and possible now OCD kick in and i feel like i am having a mental break down. Once i have completed everything i can leave and start my car journey to work.

I am looking for some guidance from anyone who may be able to help. i am looking to start coaching for my anxiety. i came across a guy called Carl Sheppard who has a method, rebalance anxiety. he works with many different people who have anxiety and I just wondered if anyone heard of anxiety coaching. any feedback is greatly recieved. thanks to everyone


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## G.help

Anxiety has taken over my professional and personal life. I made the mistake of opening up to some senior managers at work regarding my anxiety. i wish i hadnt as i am now finding it is making my anxiety worse. They havent done anything to make me feel bad, but telling them has made me even more paraniod as everytime they speak to me i feel they are trying to work out 'is he having an anxiety attack' 'is he going to have a mental break down'. i dont know what to do any more. i am just praying they dont tell anyone else at work as i dont think will be able to cope.

My anxiety makes me now feel i may even black out, maybe the pressure of people knowing at work has made me worse. my head is in such a spin at the moment i dont know what to do.

If anyone has any advice on how they have handled situations at work and work colleagues knowing about anxiety / depression i would like to hear.


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## anxiety.help

I have been reading everyones responses regarding their anxiety / OCD and depression and i totally relate to everyone and everything people are saying, It is so hard in a society that makes me feel that everything about me has to be perfect. Im not perfect and never will be. Thinking that i have to be perfect makes my anxiety and depression even worse. i wish the media would stop trying to make everyone feel bad about themselves and stop adding more pressure on to people. Regarding K_GAD and Carl Sheppard. I am going to check out Carl's website today. If he has expereince what an anxiety, OCD and depression then i am up for any useful advice on how to feel better.


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## Jarema50

I have always been a bit "aloof" or "spacey," often others would call me high all the time. I used to take offense or be hurt by those comments. Although I am still sensitive to them, I try to let them go (I also don't really feel attached enough to make much of it). I can also recall crying to my mom when I was little about feeling "involuntary" as I would put it.

A more acute presentation of my general dream-like state came rather quickly, when I had a little bit of a sinus problem that gave me mild and subtle vertigo.

Long story short, the subtle dizziness and lack of proprioception has become enmeshed with my feelings of being "out of it."

I experience the following:

Feeling like my body is not my own, like I am watching and evaluating my experiences rather than being a part of them.. yet knowing I am part of them at the same time.

Feeling like I am automatic or my behavior is involuntary even though I know I initiated it.

Fearing the passing of time because it feels as though I am not in it.

Not associating things that could happen to me (e.g. getting hit by a car, getting hurt in some way) to my own body.

Having conversations within situations that are not happening (Thinking about talking to someone that I cut off in traffic even though I did not cut them off and I am not talking to them)

Like I'm seeing things in a film.

Wanting to and sometimes actually screaming or getting very angry because you just want to feel like you are actually there.

Overall feeling like I am dreaming, not in the moment, etc.

I'm sure there are more things I could put here, but it is just a very upsetting experience to be in... seeing some of the tips here has helped shake me out of it a bit. Focusing on the answer outside of the experience of the symptoms rather than paying so much attention to the experience itself.


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## speedmetal80s

I'm getting a bit better because I'm not so obsessed with thoughts as I was before. The thoughts are still there everyday and I feel unreal. Like I got a panic attack a few days ago when I was driving and thought I was gonna drive off the road, made me imagine myself dead. I was not alone in the car and then I realized I didn't quite know who I was or who the person next to me was and when I talked it didn't feel like me. you guys know what i mean I guess.

But the time when I actually could cry (which I couldn't do before no matter how much I tried) felt good. I still don't really care about anything, all days are the same and I always get disappointed when I plan to do something. Otherwise DP has given me social phobia, it's not like I'm scared for something embarrassing to happen it's just so much fear for panic attacks, which made me like selfharm to calm down. I don't leave my home if I don't have to and I don't talk much to people and here on internet I block all my contacts on skype because I see myself so uninteresting since I don't have any intersting things to tell about my life or friends. Lately it's so much anxiey for everything like something really bad is going to happen.


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## em_3002

its horrible, its like i dont have any emotions. Its as if i feel nothin i feel so empty. i feel like im trapped and ill be depersonalized for ever.


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## QUIETTHEMIND

Hi,

I am here looking for people who may have experienced the same symptoms as me... When I googled my symptoms today and found the definition and description of what depersonalization is, it was the first time I have ever felt like I had found an accurate description of what I experience.

This is how I feel when I am experiencing this-

The BEST way I can describe it is, like I am having a BAD high. LIke I smoked a lot of pot and I am paranoid and detached, and crazy. This is the absolute best description. I then get scared, and start to sweat and get anxiety butterflies in my tummy. It is usually accompanied by a spinning mind.. obsessive chatter, loud dreams and songs get easily stuck in my head and blast in my head when I am trying to go to sleep. I am irratable and nervous, and have panic attacks in my sleep. I am tired. I am scared.

Does anyone feel like this??? Is this the right place for me? why is this happening to me??

I have alway had anxiety, lots of things make me nervous, I am a little obsessive and a little bit controlling. I have had some big traumas that may have caused that. The first time this happened to me was a year after my dad dropped dead of a heart attack when I was 9. No one could explain it to me, everyone thought I had migranes.

Please tell me if this rings a bell with any of you!!!


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## CoffeeGirl9

For me whenever I go through episodes of DP it actually feels like something is missing from my body. That I don't really occupy my body. My body is really wobbly and doesn't feel secure or grounded. I don't feel connected to my body at all. It appears strange to me. I don't really associate with the person in the mirror. Everything seems unfamiliar. I am very empty feeling. Nothingness......dead feeling. Not concious or aware of what is going on around me or of my self. I don't feel real. Like I am hiding....not sure where I am in my body or if I have left it.

Its so confusing....I have dealt with DP episodes since 2009. I have felt relief and felt myself so there is hope, however everytime this happens it doesn't feel like it will go away. and like its something I have never experienced before. I can't remember what I did the last time to make it go away or if it just goes away on its own.

My job is on the line right now because of this stupid disease. It has robbed me of so many things in my life. Mostly my sense of self.

Anyone have any words of encouragement, tips?


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## Ruhtra

I experienced pretty much all the symptoms mentioned above. Felt disconnected from the external world and from myself. Like I was alone in the Universe, surrounded with ghosts. I also got ''fragmentation anxiety'' or ''annihilation anxiety'', that is to say I felt like I was about to fall into pieces. Pretty disturbing...

But I must say my condition has improved a lot recently. In the good days, I just feel somewhat dizzy and numb. Anxiety, existential questionings etc. have almost completely disappeared.


----------



## Rachole

For me, I all of the sudden don't know who I am, where I am, and nothing seems real. It only lasts a few seconds usually, and every time I feel like I'm losing my mind, which makes my anxiety skyrocket even higher.


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## Hannah12

I feel like my life is already over. Like i dont have control over it anymore. I feel like I cant do anything to change my life and its like a movie that is going to end. It's not like i know whats going to come next, it's more like i feel that my life is someone elses or that im watching my past. Anyone else get this????? Please reply. Is it DP OR DR?


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## D'annie

this is my version of what this has felt like...do you share some of these feelings? I made a video below


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## D'annie

this is my version of what this has felt like...do you share some of these feelings? I made a video below


----------



## D'annie

this is my version of what this has felt like...do you share some of these feelings? I made a video below


----------



## D'annie

For me, I all of the sudden don't know who I am, where I am, and nothing seems real. It only lasts a few seconds usually, and every time I feel like I'm losing my mind, which makes my anxiety skyrocket even higher.

this is how I feel

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=PhLjSwNW-PY


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## aubreysblankmind

It is like a blockage in my brain. Right in the middle. What I wish I can do is blow my nose so hard that whatever is blocked in my head can come out through my nose and my head can become more clearer. Yes, like shit head. I don't believe it is depression because this DP/DR has been with me since long as I can remember. I remember being teased at school from Kindergarten to grade 10. They called me stupid and laughed at me when I screwed up my sentence structure and using the wrong choice of words because I could not remember how to say the words or place the words in the correct sentence structure. I learned how to fist fiught and i fought alot since then. I have lots of resentments and really nasty person when someone brings up stupid subjects like government and religion. I also enjoy stirring the pot to rile people up. But I also know it is completely wrong to do so. But I could never be quick enough to be witty enough to call them names back at them. Right now I am having a hard time writing this because I do have a very hard time explaining what goes on with me everyday.

I use to smoke marijuana for many years because it felt like it opened up my world &#8230;like as if it opened up my brain. I remember things quicker and better, feel sharper and can speak better&#8230; Very humorous I don't have difficult time finding words when I speak and when I watch tv or read I am easily fascinated and I get more out of it. Suicide is the last resort.


----------



## tiffanidr

For me DP/DR is like...I can see everything happening, I see the grass, I see the pavement, I see people's mouths moving, I see them but it just does not feel real to me. I feel like I am just going through life with this stupid routine. I'm not sure if this is part of the DP/DR but I feel like everyone is against me. I also feel like this is just a big game. No one else is real and sometimes I even think they arent human. I feel alone, like I am the only person here.


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## ..............

how i can describe it is i feel spaced out 100% of the time 24.7 never goes away. its like im constantly in my head. i focus alot on my thoughts. yet im so hypervigulant with everything around me. i dont feel like i connect with others at all. i jus walk around nervously in a daze in circles. like i pase back n forth. i feel crazy. i feel like who im with can see how i feel. they can tell im nervous. which fuils the anxiety & the dp & dr. & i feel even more lost. i duno if i make sense. hahah. but thats my view on things.


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## The Great Elsewhere

DP/DR is hell on earth. My reality has become warped and foreign. I feel no connection to myself, family, friends, peers, and surroundings. My meaning is slowly slipping away and everything seems overwhelming. I am in a constant state of confusion. My memories seem hollow and I can no longer rely on them to prove my existence. Conjuring up even a small amount of concentration requires all of the energy within my body. All feeling, besides fear, have been stripped from me. DP/DR is a demon corrupting and destroying everything I know and love. My heart goes out to everyone who has to endure the soul crushing symptoms of DP/DR.


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## stephanieg

My feeling is like I don't exist at all. Whenever I am doing something no matter what it is I feel like I'm not actually doing it. I can see myself doing it, hear myself saying things but it feels like it doesn't really register. I wonder if I am just in an endless dream I can't get out of it and wondering when the hell I will wake up. I feel lost like I don't know who I am or what the hell I am supposed to do. And to add I end up wondering what is my point of being here, why the heck do I exist and then jumps back to the thought do I really even exist and I try like hell to figure it out and then I go into a panic attack so severe I wonder if I will actually die from it and wonder if I am actually suffocating. It gets pretty scary sometimes. I can go on and on about the different ways it makes me feel.


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## Doberg

kenc127 said:


> ok, what I mean by maddening is:
> 
> - excessive worry about what is happening, even though nothing is
> - excessive worry that I'm going nuts, even though I'm not
> - excessive worry that I won't be around a very long time, even though I probably will
> - endless what-ifs about what may or may not happen
> - anxiety about aches and pains and what they may or may not mean
> - anxiety about the inability at times to think outside of myself, and focus on my surroundings, and when I can I notice how distorted they look
> - sadness at the thought of never seeing my environment the same way again. It looks so fake, like everyhting is made in blocks and 2 dimensional. People look exaggerated or like plastic. You know they are still human, but you still feel as if you've lost connection with them
> - sadness about how outgoing and excited about life I used to be, and now I'm just the opposite. I've become irritable, bitter, sad, introverted, and emotional and lack drive to succeed
> - sad about the fact I don't feel the same emotional connection to activities I once enjoyed such as sex, school, time with friends family, and vacations
> 
> This is what I mean by maddening. Things get so tough that becoming psychotic would be almost a blessing because I wouldn't have to deal with all the anxiety of the above. When my DP isn't bad, it means that some or all of the above are either absent or dissipating. As a word of encouragement, there are more good days than bad days now, whereas 2 months ago, I had 1 good day for every 5 bad ones. Hope this helps.


its been 9 years since this was typed up but I relate 100%


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## Allez

Its like I thought I was important one time but I realized I'm not. It's the visual perception shift, almost exclusively vision changes. Then I start thinking about why I am able to see, and existential thoughts follow. What helps me is to let go of my false self completely. By false self, I mean that person I grew up with in my head. The one that encourages or discourages me constantly throughout my teenage years. Basically, I've let go of thoughts. I mean, they can be useful for daily life, but worrying doesn't really serve a purpose unless for survival.

Had a panic attack, had "out of body experience" sensation, and I haven't been the same since.


----------



## Almost_Nonfunctional

Hello,

My name is Aaron.

I'm a CNC programmer, for a small machine shop.

In 2011, I went to the ER for what I thought was a hart attack, But it wasn't.

6 months ago, my vision started to go 2D, look snowy/wavy, and seemed unreal.

Everything seems like a dream now.

I have a real hardtime with desision making; It's Like i'm in a mental fog, all the time.

When I wake-up in the morning, my arms BUZZ, and feel tingly, and the walls appear to be moving/spinning.

I've had ALL the test, (MRI, CAT, EKG, ect... ect.. )for MS, and other neurological problems, and all have come back normal.

I'm now talking with a shrink, once a week...

I have been diagnosed with a "conversion disorder, with severe anxiety, derealization, and visual impairment".

I'm now on long tearm disability, I can't drive, I can't work, and my vision is getting even worse.

I have pannic attacks, all the time... ALL THE TIME.

Hopfully, I can find help, and an outlet for my feelings.

Thanks.


----------



## dana1

Depersonalization disorder is a horrible disease. i've had it for 20 years and it has never gotten even a bit better. I've tried everything the physicians and psychiatrists have suggested. In my opinion it is outrageous that there is no funding for research treatments when there are at least 7 million people in the U.S alone who have this disorder and that is probably an underreported estimation. I would really like to hear from people who would be interested in investigating options for research funding. Enough is enough. thx dana


----------



## GoCentipede

It's like seeing the world from the outside of an aquarium


----------



## forgottensanctuary

Again and again, I slip into a fully conscious dream; I know not when it will happen, and I can't seem to avoid it. This is what terrifies me the most-the capriciousness, the unpredictability of it all. So I wait in a state of anticipatory anxiety: a fear of fear. Am I going mad? What else could it be? I suspect voodoo or black magic, for like the poor soul of a zombie ritual, my seat of consciousness has been hijacked. My nerves are raw, like a drunk before that life-saving morning drink. I can still recognize the remnants of reality, but we have been estranged. Everything is so overly detailed, yet so dull all the same. I'm a stranger to myself; a stranger in a strange land. I cannot smile, I cannot cry, if not for the dread I would be emotionally dead. I suppose this is the road to madness; I wish I was not cognizant of my plight. I envy those that dream at night, for they have the daylight to arouse them from their sleep; I do not have such reprieves.


----------



## themaxx10

When it happened to me, I suddenly felt like my soul or inner me fell out of my body through my eyes, so my body was voided. I fell to the ground, yet I was still witnessing it all right there. In reality I think it was basically a massive dissociation, in response to what I thought was a life or death threat.

It happened to me when I was really young, and I have existed in that state ever since.


----------



## alysonwonderland

This is what depersonalization feels like for me:

I feel detached from myself, as if I'm watching my life as a spectator, like there's some robotic, empty creature performing actions on my behalf. I ponder the meaning of existence.

I feel disconnected from others.

I am without an ounce of emotion, ambition, or true mental involvement. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that this is my body and my world feels unreal and dreamlike, as if my body is performing actions without my volition.

I am aware that my experiences are unusual, I know I'm not hallucinating.

I feel like Im encapsulated in a bubble, as if I can't experience what's around me, as if I'm on autopilot and I'm numbed mentally and emotionally. I go about my daily life without any true emotional connection, I do not care about my action or behaviors, while still having and understanding that I should care about those things and I have a low mood, depression, anxiety and increased worry.


----------



## beyonding

I think I have neglected to read effeciently through these endless pages of this thread. Although, it is not like I'm stupid or irresponsible... I am just scared. I'm worried that just like the portions of my life leading up to this moment that I could fail to understand myself and adopt the symptoms of a problem that may have not been there in the first place. So instead of reading through other posts and trying to "self diagnose" myself based on these "apparent" similarities, I am just going to describe how I feel/felt most of the time and that's nearing 100%. (I will try to keep this breif).

- Constant paranoia and worry... I mean every issue brings a million questions relating to truth, validation, fact, attempted understanding (it isn't like I can accept something for what it is, every statement is doubted and doubted, again and again.) I refuse to accept anything as fact or possibly reality until there is... proof that doesnt seem so existential.

- A desire for constant validation... because I have experienced "symptoms" of dp (Quotes because Im not officially diagnosed on paper) for an extremely long time my other habits and disorders have collided. Anorexia + DP seems to be a horrifying mix of anxiety and stress... No longer do I feel normal or real or even human. I am a shell..."Nothing" Is a word that comes to mind and its not in relation to worthless or self-hatred anymore, it's beyond that. Like... I'm nothing.

- Inability to empathize, I fail to understand and realise the severity of my actions. Although I am afraid and want to get help I just cant understand anything anymore. The line between reality and truth has completely blurred for me, I cant look at something without paranoia creeping in, asking for truth in attempt to avoid confusion. I am so afraid of everything and I am losing grip.

- That token... "constant fog" I can't think, I can't be productive, I cant understand or keep a thought, I feel as though I am my own puppeteer. I only get Not only that but I have a horrible short term memory, I feel like I am constantly in writers block. It's actually eerie being in this room right now because I feel so disconnected yet still alive. I neglect to understand everything and people are the hardest. In the past years this DP has definitely taken it's tole and it's become so much more than a disorder... it's become me. I feel like I have lost complete touch with every single thing and no matter how many times my boyfriend tries to help me, rationalize with me... I am always making the same mistake twice. People look at me and ask if I am "acting stupid on purpose" "use your brain" "I know you understand" "quit being so worried" "You don't care" "You've done this before, you know what you're doing"

- I am completely and utterly afraid of ever leaving my home. being out has never made me feel so uncomfortable. Am I willing all of this pain to happen?

There is so much more but... I'm going to stop.


----------



## Joebob28

Hello all I am new to this forum but I guess I'll just jump right in.

I've had recuring episodes of DP/DR sinc I think I was about 14years old, and I would always come out of them anywhere from 3-6 months later.

And as many of you who have already been through this know, once you come out of it, you have a hard time remembering what exactly happened while you were in it, but I'll do my best to describe what it's like for me.

When I was younger it felt as if the classic symptoms suited me to a tee

Feeling unreal

Emotional Numbness

Feeling like I don't exist

Like the world around me doesn't exist

Like I'm right on the edge of going crazy, and if I let my guard down I will loose it all

Like when I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself

When I heard my own voice it sounded weird and strange to me

Nothing was familiar

my friends and family looked weird to me, and felt as if I didn't know them

everything looked almost like I was in a painting and couldn't escape

felt like I was on auto pilot

that everything I did wasn't my own decision, but rather something odd, something else

everyday it was a change for me and I had no idea if I was gonna make out, I couldn't get used to one part of it because when I had it, I had it all at once like a Tsunami of crazy.

Everything annoyed me

I couldn't remember anything to save my life

It felt as if I was stuck in this moment of just day in day out hell that time wouldn't pass, but I was aware of what was going on, and that is the worst hell of all.

Terrible brain fog

Constantly feeling overwhelmed, Like my thoughts are spinning around in a dryer, and opening the door won't shut it off.

I now am having another episode more intense than the last ones as I can remember, It's just more apparent, and way more intense, It could be because I am now 27 and have only experienced this thrice before. Or it could be that I am on meds now and they are causing odd side effects and in my present state of mind, I'm not seeing them as side effects, but new symptoms of DP/DR that I didn't realize. And this may sound crazy, (but I think we have a pretty good understanding of "sounding crazy") but it feels like when I try to think about the future, or even thinking attempting suicide that it wouldn't do anything (don't worry I won't, I'm just giving an example), like I have "commited" to the unreal belief, and am but an observer banging on the glass trying to convince myself that this is all too real, but I can't reach myself. Now I don't know if any of you have ever felt this before, but still it would be nice to get some feedback none the less.

Oh and if any of you are wondering what medication I am on, it is Depakote 500mg


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## marianaurelian23

I was smoking weed having drugs alot and a crazy lifestyle ,girls, partyes everything...

And one day i just woke feeling weird like the room i was living in felt very much different altough i knew it was the same , started having really bad panic attacks (got over that now) and the main simptoms for me are a lack of any feeling to what goes on around me and just feeling plain dumb cant even read a book honestly , I am having difficulties in folowing people and that disconnected feeling is really hard to get away from really feeling like ending my life somedays ..............


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## marianaurelian23

I was smoking weed having drugs alot and a crazy lifestyle ,girls, partyes everything...

And one day i just woke feeling weird like the room i was living in felt very much different altough i knew it was the same , started having really bad panic attacks (got over that now) and the main simptoms for me are a lack of any feeling to what goes on around me and just feeling plain dumb cant even read a book honestly , I am having difficulties in folowing people and that disconnected feeling is really hard to get away from really feeling like ending my life somedays ..............


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## Jago

Ever since acquiring a brain injury two years ago I've had some degree of depersonalization.

Luckily my brain injury was localised and relatively minor; you would have no idea by talking to me that I have some residual problems; my speech is perfect, my ability to think is, as far as I know, only affected in a minor way--I have some cognitive fatigue which makes reading academic material more taxing than it used to be.

But I absolutely have some DPDR, and it's great to know there's a term for it.

I'd describe it as there being a separation between me and the world, like a strange wedge that has widened the demarcation between me and the present moment. I get the sense of watching what I do from a distance, hearing myself speak, and wishing I could just be a littttttttle closer to the moment.

I can see that part of my consciousness has been thrown off kilter. It's like mild intoxication that never quite goes away, though it seems to get noticeably better every six months or so. The first 6 months I barely felt human, I was a shadow of a man. I hold out hope for further improvements and medical advances that might help. I've been considering something like Modafinil/Provigil, but I'll wait a while.


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## MiketheAlien

I feel like I am not experiencing my own existence. I feel like my awareness is damaged and my memory is fading away. I feel like I am getting worse each day but at the same time lethargically and passively excepting it. I am afraid that I have triggered early onset Alzheimers disease or dementia from my past drug and alcohol abuse in combination with anti-depressants. I feel like I am numb to everything and nothing matters even though I try to make things have meaning. I feel like I am stuck in an existential void. I feel helpless and desperate but I dont want to give up quite yet. Sigh, sorry for sounding so negative, at least my emotions can show a bit through typing this, a release of some sort.


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## sydneylondon

I see things, I know they are there but somehow I don't really SEE them, it's like my eyes aren't connected to my brain (that doesn't make sense I course because they are connected or I wouldn't e seeing at all) and everything I look at doesn't really get to me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see the face but don't process that it's me. And then sometimes I get scared because on the one hand I know that it's supposed to be me but I don't feel like it's me. 
I don't feel. It's like I'm not able to feel happiness or love or real appreciation of things. Sometimes (and I am really happy about these times) the feelings leek through and eve though I don't feel them I know they are there. 
Also I am unable of seeing beauty. I feel so guilty about it. I have travelled the world: I've seen the wild animals in Africa, I've seen the beaches of Hawaii, the skylines of Frankfurt and Paris and the snowy landscapes of the Alps. I've been to so many places knowing that they are beautiful but I look at them and even though in that moment I really want to: I feel nothing. 
It is terribly frustrating to describe and until I found this forum I thought I was the only one being this weird. Anyone who is up for a talk, I would be glad to!


----------



## † Amina †

Like hell on earth


----------



## planet

It's the sign that your're the chosen one


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## sydneylondon

planet said:


> It's the sign that your're the chosen one


One? It seens as though we are quite a bunch here..


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## planet

sydneylondon said:


> One? It seens as though we are quite a bunch here..


Yeah ^^ but in general


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## sydneylondon

planet said:


> Yeah ^^ but in general


do you really believe that?


----------



## planet

sydneylondon said:


> do you really believe that?


Why not ? You have to go the hell and if you're strong enough than you will come back


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## Allez

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."

-Alan Watts


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## sydneylondon

planet said:


> Why not ? You have to go the hell and if you're strong enough than you will come back


Why would we go to hell though? 
And also: how is there a hell when god forgives everyone?


----------



## Frassidy

SoulBrotha said:


> i can't even fuckin think straight, like i was just gonna go drop somethin off to this kid, thinking that i had a car, & when i went outside to go to it i realized that my dad has the car & won't be home until before i go to work. I dunno if its this hot weather or what, but i feel so shitty, its like i just wanna crawl up into a ball & die. Im gettin sick of work to, it just gets so boring, all i do is stock shelves & bail cardboard & shit like that. The only good thing is the place is air conditioned.
> 
> I have a question, that im hopeing someone can answer. Do you think that the time that i go to sleep can have an effect on me. Like last night i went to sleep at about 1:30 am & woke up at about 11. Now thats 10 hours sleep, which should be more than enough, but i still feel tired & knocked out. Is it because i went to bed late & woke up late? Like would there be a difference if i say went to sleep at i dunno , 11 and woke up at maybe 9:30, 10 ? that would actually be 10 & a half hours sleep or 11 hours depending, but would the actual times make me feel better?


Hey, i don't think it's the times youre going to sleep...you don't need 10 hours sleep. In my experience sleep greatly affects dpdr. 7-8 hours is what you should be aiming for EVERY night. Even if someone doesn't have dpdr and they sleep 10 hours they;'ll feel tired and knocked out....it's called 'sleep hangover'...anyway hope that helps


----------



## AMUNT

for me the feel i notice most is that of: feels like im looking at myself looking at something

i think i have more dr than dp


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## itsanewday

Anyone ever feel when they look at one specific thing they starting to feel real again but when they look away they get detached again?


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## mypaperflowersaredying

Have you ever heard of the phrase "the call of the void"? It's used to describe that feeling you get while staring down from a great height, where your body wants to jump but your mind clings to rationality and stops you.

That's what it feels like. It feels like you'd jump and risk everything you are, just for one sensation that might be strong enough to fight through all the static and bring you back to Reality.

(17 yrs old/self-diagnosed)


----------



## Vanessa258

For me, I realized I have always questioned life and the world from a young age. After a big surgery almost 6 months ago which happened in Colombia, I was on bed rest for 3 weeks unable to do anything. So what do I do? I think! Maybe a little too much. I started thinking about life like I've never have before. I felt a strange feeling like I wasn't real, but obviously I am, but it was so hard for me to grasp that reality. Days went by and I got worse. Family started to look unfamiliar, even my son. Can't tell you how bad that felt. Thoughts clouded my head that I never thought I would ever think of. People called it home sick but I knew something was wrong. Went I came back home, I thought I would be fine, wrong. 4 months after my surgery in Colombia and I got really bad. I looked up my symptoms on my own and I self diagnosed myself with dp. either that or I'm going crazy lol. I know it's all mental and it's comforting to know other people have gone through this, it's just I never thought this would happen to me. I was always cafe free and enjoyed life, but I always did suffer from anxiety. I guess it all just build up on me and attacked me hard. My feelings when I get dp are so hard to explain but I guess that's normal. It's like I catch myself doing a task or talking to someone but then I question myself if I'm really there talking to them or if someone else is doing the talking for me..like whoever is living inside me is not really me..that sounds so bad I know lol but it's the closest explanation. Then I question the world and it gets worse if I allow it. There are things to keep my mind off it but since I've had dp for a while now, I seem to be like in a depression now. I feel it has taken over my life. Now I am a Christian, and honestly that's been my hope and reason for why I am here now. If it wasn't for my belief in God I think I would have lost it...I just hate thinking I'm going crazy, like I don't belong being a normal person. I want this to pass..


----------



## demi

It's like wanting to think and do things but you're brain is nowhere to be found. You can speak and walk and drive a car but you don't have a sense of it happening. It's like wanting to understand things but not being able to. For me it's like when you wake up from a dream and you try to remember the dream as much as you can but its already gone, that's how it is with me trying to remember /retain new information and it drives me crazy because my memory /imagination was always 100% on point!


----------



## demi

Along with 56788 other issues..


----------



## SantosB

Well. I fall on that suddenly. April 1988. 
I felt like a disconnection. All seemed strange, rare, more grey. i couldn't understand, for instance, the light of the sky, no sense for me at all. The passing of the time was altered. I had a girlfriend, i knew that i should love her, but i couldn't feel anything for her. i only rested when was to sleep. it was a torture, i liked to lay down on my bed and hear songs. I didn't like anything. However i could do almost the same that before the stroke, simply i felt insecure and worried about my DP/DR.
In fact i was able to finish a degree in Electrical Engineering, find a wife, a good work and have two kids. 
I am sure i have recovered some old circuits in my brain that connects memories related with objects, colours,... Now colours are alife. My body is mine again. When i hear my voice i know its me.


----------



## gibran

For me its horrible suddnly forgetting and feels like i am in another world and my hd is heavy awwl the time feel numbness and and pain in my hairline plz guide


----------



## Noooooope

For me it happened after I smoked cannabis for the first time on Tuesday 4 weeks ago. for the first few weeks it felt as if I was in a dream that nothing was real. whenever I walked it would feel as if I was floating and that everything I did was automatic.
I also had paranoia. Everthing was shutterframe and I felt extremely high. i have gottene a bit better as I have forced myself to understand life is real and that the problem is that my brain went on defense mode due to suffering that panic attack. I dont feel normal yet and question a lot of things but I have stopped most of the intrusive thoughts. I still wonder if I will ever feel normal... which makes me very depressed. I still remember how it used to be before this happened. I can't enjoy life as I used to. I can still feel and love I suppose but I feel empty inside. I feel detached


----------



## IDontevenknow

For me, It's constant. I'm experiencing it right now.

My brain feels like it's sleeping... I feel as if I can't hear properly, that thing you get when you're driving in the car for too long.. where you have to yawn

to pop your ears so you can hear.. I'm just so zoned out all the time, I feel like my mind is foggy,

Sometimes I wonder if the things in my past really happened,

like how I grew up, I wonder how I got to where I am now, stuck in this state of feeling so surreal.

I'm always tired in a numb, unmotivated, lazy, kind of way. I also feel like I'm seeing everything behind a plastic bubble of some sort. I wear glasses which may be

a reason for that but even when I'm wearing contacts, everything still seems unreal and fuzzy.

I feel like I'm in a dream. I don't even know what it feels like to feel REAL.

I don't think I have it as bad as most, It does get worst and then better at times though, but it doesn't go away for me.

I don't fear it, I'm just tired of it... I've pratically accepted living with this, but I won't stand to live with this for the rest of my life, I know I will get better.

Which you shouldn't stand for this either, this is your life. You control your mind, don't let it control you.

Also when I look in the mirror, I don't feel like that's really me..

I basically feel like a walking zombie, not even exagerrating.

I could go on, but I'm tired and feeling unreal. This is how I feel about everything, but I still have hope, It's nice to see that I'm not the only one going through

with this stuff, I always felt like no one could understand.


----------



## SantosB

IDontevenknow said:


> For me, It's constant. I'm experiencing it right now.
> 
> My brain feels like it's sleeping... I feel as if I can't hear properly, that thing you get when you're driving in the car for too long.. where you have to yawn
> 
> to pop your ears so you can hear.. I'm just so zoned out all the time, I feel like my mind is foggy,
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if the things in my past really happened,
> 
> like how I grew up, I wonder how I got to where I am now, stuck in this state of feeling so surreal.
> 
> I'm always tired in a numb, unmotivated, lazy, kind of way. I also feel like I'm seeing everything behind a plastic bubble of some sort. I wear glasses which may be
> 
> a reason for that but even when I'm wearing contacts, everything still seems unreal and fuzzy.
> 
> I feel like I'm in a dream. I don't even know what it feels like to feel REAL.
> 
> I don't think I have it as bad as most, It does get worst and then better at times though, but it doesn't go away for me.
> 
> I don't fear it, I'm just tired of it... I've pratically accepted living with this, but I won't stand to live with this for the rest of my life, I know I will get better.
> 
> Which you shouldn't stand for this either, this is your life. You control your mind, don't let it control you.
> 
> Also when I look in the mirror, I don't feel like that's really me..
> 
> I basically feel like a walking zombie, not even exagerrating.
> 
> I could go on, but I'm tired and feeling unreal. This is how I feel about everything, but I still have hope, It's nice to see that I'm not the only one going through
> 
> with this stuff, I always felt like no one could understand.


I understand you very well... have you tried to make some exercises?

For example, in the post the Holy Grial to cure dp/Dr.

In my posts you can find some simple exercises. To get rid of dp/Dr involves a great effort, but it can be done.

Good luck!!

God

In


----------



## SantosB

IDontevenknow said:


> For me, It's constant. I'm experiencing it right now.
> 
> My brain feels like it's sleeping... I feel as if I can't hear properly, that thing you get when you're driving in the car for too long.. where you have to yawn
> 
> to pop your ears so you can hear.. I'm just so zoned out all the time, I feel like my mind is foggy,
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if the things in my past really happened,
> 
> like how I grew up, I wonder how I got to where I am now, stuck in this state of feeling so surreal.
> 
> I'm always tired in a numb, unmotivated, lazy, kind of way. I also feel like I'm seeing everything behind a plastic bubble of some sort. I wear glasses which may be
> 
> a reason for that but even when I'm wearing contacts, everything still seems unreal and fuzzy.
> 
> I feel like I'm in a dream. I don't even know what it feels like to feel REAL.
> 
> I don't think I have it as bad as most, It does get worst and then better at times though, but it doesn't go away for me.
> 
> I don't fear it, I'm just tired of it... I've pratically accepted living with this, but I won't stand to live with this for the rest of my life, I know I will get better.
> 
> Which you shouldn't stand for this either, this is your life. You control your mind, don't let it control you.
> 
> Also when I look in the mirror, I don't feel like that's really me..
> 
> I basically feel like a walking zombie, not even exagerrating.
> 
> I could go on, but I'm tired and feeling unreal. This is how I feel about everything, but I still have hope, It's nice to see that I'm not the only one going through
> 
> with this stuff, I always felt like no one could understand.


I understand you very well... have you tried to make some exercises?

For example, in the post the Holy Grial to cure dp/Dr.

In my posts you can find some simple exercises. To get rid of dp/Dr involves a great effort, but it can be done.

Good luck!!


----------



## half-life

IDontevenknow said:


> [...]I'm just so zoned out all the time, I feel like my mind is foggy[...]
> 
> [...]Sometimes I wonder if the things in my past really happened,
> 
> like how I grew up, I wonder how I got to where I am now, stuck in this state of feeling so surreal.[...]
> 
> [...]I'm always tired in a numb, unmotivated, lazy, kind of way.
> 
> I feel like I'm in a dream. I don't even know what it feels like to feel REAL[...]


I can relate to those very much. People have been telling me that I'm a spaced out person since I was a very small kid up to today, and they're right. I live up in my head, daydreaming, a lot. My mind is foggy and focusing on anything is a challenge. I learn things easily but I just dont have the mental stamina to study. Hell, even writing this post is taking up some effort.

My past seems really foggy to me. My parents and everybody else in my extended family are completely strangers to me, it is like I dont know them. I keep wondering, "what if I was born in another family?", "what if I was born in another estate?", "what if I was born in another country?", "what if I was ANOTHER PERSON?". The part that causes me more discomfort than anything is when I remember my teenage and early twenties years. It is almost hard to believe that I did the things that I did, that I acted the way that I acted, WTF was I thinking??! I have many regrets and a lot of shame about my past and I have no idea why I acted the way I acted.

I'm extremely unmotivated, uninspired. Getting up in the morning takes a lot of effort, even in weekends when I sleep 10, 11 hours a day. My alarm clock has to ring 7, 8 times everyday. And I have no goals in life.


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## Macki89

So scary! feel like ive lost myself


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## xangie976x

I wish this thing never triggered inside me. I feel like a stranger to myself, There are days where I wish I could be in bed for weeks and never get up I become depressed, scared, wishing someone knows more so I don't feel alone. I can't even look at my boyfriend the same way sometimes which scares me even more. I don't know what to do and I want to get to the bottom of it before it eats me alive.


----------



## ezvmat

DP/DR to me is always hard to explain. I was diagnosed when I was 15 during an extensive psyche eval. I did not receive the results of that evaluation for over a year and a half. When I read my diagnoses, DP/DR made sense, For background, I've also been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and PTSD, from the psyche eval and by two therapists. They listed Schizotypal Personality Disorder as a possibility but not their diagnosis on the eval.

Before I knew what depersonalization was, or what derealization was, I spent a lot of time trying to describe to loved ones how I feel so "out of it" and "surreal" sometimes. Things looked different sometimes for days on end. It was like I was looking at the same bedroom I always had, but something was slightly off. I felt like the world was flat or like a picture and I could just stick my hand through it. It was 2 dimensional. Colors would seem brighter than normal and then at times duller. Voices were muffled to me and I had trouble processing things said to me. Bright lights bothered me, like the sun suddenly seemed too bright for me talk or function properly. Loud noises scrambled my brain and made me sick. I felt/feel like sometimes I'm looking through my eyes but it feels like I'm looking through a tunnel at things in the distance.

I remember on one occasion in a horrible anxiety enducing burst of derealization I was walking home one night and felt like all the houses looked like dollhouses, They were still and fake looking. I called a friend and explained how I felt in the hopes that talking to her would distract me. Shortly after that night I found out I had been diagnosed with Depersonalization-derealization disorder and it all made sense.

I'm constantly looking at my hands. I put them in the air to try to see space between me and the world, When I feel very dissociative it's hard for me to understand my hand is there in front of my face, that's MY hand. I look in the mirror a lot to try to ground myself and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I always look at myself and try to place myself inside there. Like, that's me, this thought is coming right from that person right there in the mirror.

That's what it's like for me at least.


----------



## Mist

Though I do recognize some of the symptoms, some are strange to me.

I might be considered weird for saying this but... Isn't this one of those cases where those that cannot/did not experience this are calling it a disorder? Like when they cured the "disorders" back in the antiquity, by drilling a hole in the skull?

This whole thing of "i am not myself/the world seems unreal/who am i/where the hell am i" seems so very familiar. Though in my case i control the thing and can "evoke" the feeling whenever I feel like it. I do it quite often actually. It helps me not to dissolve into "this world".

I was about 16 when I first felt this thing. Never used drugs, barely drank any alcohol at all. Though starting from a young age I did ask myself "what is the meaning of all this? why am I here?" and like searching for the "ultimate truth" and stuff like that laying on the couch. Well, and one day I actually felt this "Holy mother of god. I'm alive! I am...here! I don't know what or who or where or why I am but...Here I am! Me, the true me, not the fake identity the society gave me!"

I believe that throughout the history many philosophers/poets/writers have experienced this, and it deeply changed their life too. I believe that this is indeed the core of our existence (assuming you all exist and this is not my imagination. Check "solipsism" before depersonalization.) This is how we/consciousnesses percieve ourselves. It is when you discard and doubt everything you know and see that you can understand your true identity.

It's hard. Losing everything you once considered an undeniable value/truth is not easy. Living with opposite values and a whole bunch of points of view isn't easy either. I do sometimes lose interest in everything. For about 5 months everything's been well though. Before - it was rough. I was feeling really depressed daily, life was meaningless, I thought that I have seen and experienced everything worth seeing and experiencing and I wanted to die badly. Oh, and explaining this to other people was not an option, of course. This still happens, though I can handle it pretty well now. It's still unpleasant though.

These so-called "symptoms" (I haven't been diagnosed with this, I just happened to check out some wikipedia links today and googled the depersonalization disorder) include: *loss of the sense of self* (It's not that I don't know who I am, it's more like I CAN'T know who I am. I percieve myself, but "I" am ... what am I? I am definitely not a body or a brain or anything else. I don't know what I am), *minor memory problems* (I don't pay attention to the details. I live inside my head, and nothing else matters, that's why I don't remember much of my everyday life.), *feeling detached from my body/my body isn't me* ("I" - entity am different from "I" - body. My body doesn't define "me".), *panic attacks* (oh yeah baby, these little bastards drove me to the point of very oftenly recurring, excruciating headaches. I just felt inside a cage. I still do. My sense of self and the world I am in... The whole reality feels like a cage. The whole existence. It is the understanding that everything is meaningless and that there is no way out. It's not easy to put it into words. And it got to the point of physical sensations, like my chest was about to burst.), *the whole world seems to dissolve/an illusion*(I can recall this feeling whenever I want to. I just completely...deconcentrate, I can't really explain it. It was hard to do in the beginning but now I can do it pretty easily, though the intensity is kind of random.)

Maybe I am wrong and my "disorder" is completely different. Maybe I am not. Maybe I just happened to read too much philosophy and mixed with my "problem" - this is the result. I just... thought I finally found someone who can understand me and I wouldn't have to bear it all alone.

Yet, I will say this again: I strongly believe that this is not a disorder. Your "ego", your previous identity, which was the mask that your family/friends/society gave you, is slowly disappearing. You are finally yourself. It's hard, because now your memories, your world, your body, everything seems unreal. I myself thought many times that being oblivious to this might have been better, but truth be told, I don't regret having discovered this "truth". I will struggle and fight for happiness. If this is our "existence" itself, we just have to look for another type.

Easier said than done, I know. But giving up without trying is not an option. And you are not alone.


----------



## namesarearbitrary

Sometimes it feels like everything around me is going in slow motion--almost as if I have control over it. Crowds can be too much at times because I feel everyone's emotions at once and think that they are mine. I sometimes feel like I can fly when I first wake up and I don't know what I really want anymore. I just go along with everything because I don't feel like I can be hurt or happy or sad or anything. I feel invincible in the worst way possible and nothing can snap me out of it. It's like I've already experienced all of this--like a life long deja vu. I feel like I already know what's going to happen sometimes too. This is the best I can do to try and explain it right now. It is so frustrating to try to put it all into words. It's unreal and I might be saying this about it now, but then I'll change my mind and describe it completely differently later on.


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## Nathanael.A.

You' know, It came to quite recently me actually. As a kid, or at some sage when I was a little younger (didnt hav dp), I thought to myself wat hell would be like, how a place created by god, inhabited by demons and shit, would be able to maintain someone in the most perpetual state of severest suffering possible. I couldnt really see how that would be compatable with how we as human beings generally experience things, for instance, in a situation ( which is of a a stupid amount of orders of less magnitude than actually bein in hell); When you get into a hot birth, it burns like hell, but then you get used to, so in contrast, if it was just a standard day for any old damned soul, who was meant to be exposed to a continues hell, the most unbarable state of being possible imagible without out, how would this state be perpetual? Cos I thought, If he was constantly burnin in a fiery inferno in which he couldnt escape, at some point he would just grow used to be the pain, and in some abstract sense the pain would be somewhat 'lessed' in a sense, so how was this supposed to be asource of perpetual agony and suffering that did not relent, seeing as at some point u'd just adapt to it or whatever.

Then I thought, ok, what if the guy, in hell, wasn't just burnin in a fiery inferno, but the 'powers to be' somehow switched the guy from a period of bein in an inferno to bein duncked into a bucket of the coldest ice, or into some other form of unbarable torture and so on and so on. 'Cos preusmably, him bein exposed to a limited set of modes of pain, in a predictable sequence, or even in a sequence that was constantly jumbled up in a random order, he would still, over time, adapt, and grow used to this unending cycle.

Well Biology had a dirty little trick up her sleave for me didn't she.

DP (for me anyway) Is never predictable, never ending, and most of all , You NEVER grow used to it, cos its always up, down, here and there and all over the place (and not in a good way) So, in a way, its more than Hell, its the 'Ultimate' Hell.

Anyway, thats my take on things,

All the best : )


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## demi

What happens when you have no inner world and you have no anxiety? People have said on his forum that if you pray less attention to your inner self and more of the outside world it helps. I don't have an inner self anymore. I can't even feel my mind heart or soul. And anxiety is a symptom of dp? I don't even feel anxiety or experience it in anyway. And no I don't have the ability to choose if I want to fix myself or not. It's all so bizarre and confusing. It's like I'm already dead yet I am breathing some how.


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## Desurrealization

Wendy said:


> While now rereading my post an hour or so later, I cant believe its me who wrote what I wrote. Its like Im reading something that someone else wrote.
> I have problems connecting it to myself. Im sure thats DP!


Oh man that's the worst feeling... And really it's the epitome of what DP/DR is, an inability to understand yourself in relation to the events happening around you, or events in the past that involve you.


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## Kw333

Hmm.. I feel like I'm not in my own body. Sometimes when I speak my voice doesn't feel like mine. some times I feel like I'm in a dream, like I literally almost puked the other day lol. *I hate lucid dreams* And I don't know this may not be dp. It's just really scary at times and then it gets annoying.


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## Guest

Pure hell. Nothing else but hell. Can't get much worse.


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## Gregarrio

Perceptually, when I'm dissociating ("DP-ing"), it's as if the outside world has partially disappeared, or I'm looking at it through a murky film.

When I was younger, before any of this started, I would sometimes play around with my perception by staring at a single spot for ten minutes or so. The world would become grey, foggy and eventually disappear around everything but that one little point I was focusing on. Lol, unfortunately, I was probably "teaching" myself to dissociate and no idea the repercussions!

I can have trouble with focus, concentration, and working memory. Sometimes I feel mentally cross-eyed, if that makes sense, scatterbrained. It's almost a physical sensation in my brain. Mindfulness meditation helps somewhat. Maybe being present is the opposite of dissociating.

It makes sense to me that DP would be related to an absence of awareness. As a defense mechanism, obsessing on one single point until the rest of the world disappears might help to escape unwanted experiences. The consequence of abandoning myself is that I have no reference point to keep me grounded; everything looks foreign and weird.

.


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## Hellothere

I don't even know if I have depersonalization but for the past few months I've had 
-short spells of being in a dreamlike reality, almost as if when I move I'm floating
-my eyes are slow to focus and this is really scary
-when I come out if a spell it's almost like mist or fog clearing 
-constantly having to remind myself thus is real, I'm real, this is real life
-thinking of the future and still having this
-anxiety 
I'm twelve, almost thirteen and I don't know if this is normal? I had a spell at school once before I knew what it was and it was so scary and I got really upset and scared and stressed and everyone was looking at me as if there was something wrong with me. I normally get it when I go out for dinner with my family or out with friends or at school and it's horrible and making me constantly feel like I just want to go to sleep or stay in my room or just never be around other people for fear if it happening. I feel kind of embarrassed about it and don't want to tell my parents. Also I was reading causes and when I first got it I don't think I had anxiety or any other problems? Please reply


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## Chance33

I'm 15 and I'm had this life eating disorder for 2 long years. I don't know what to do anymore.


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## sherodon

It's a lot worse when I try to hide how I feel or when I spend a lot of time away from people I can relate to lately I've been remembering things like the other night I was over thinking something like I always do and I just thought oh yeah I did that because I'm a really loyal person it was really weird I know that's something my depersonalization made me forget since it's gotten bad but at that moment when I remembered it it's like it was something I've always known and I still can't figure out how I could've forgotten something so in grained in my system I really wanna look into psychotherapy because I think trusting my emotions could really nip this thing in the bud


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## db22

I've had two severe episodes with typical symptoms, it took about a year to get a diagnosis, the first was the most severe with visual and auditory disturbances, brain fog, out of body sensations numb face/ head panic attacks in my sleep etc. I initlally self diagnosed after stumbling across the wiki on DP after trying to work out what the hell was going on.

Fortunately my GP specialises in neurology and whilst he wasn't immediately aware of the condition, he looked into it and the Maudsley research. I was formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist about 6 weeks ago.

I'm now on escitalopram 10mg diazepam 1mg and lamotrogine in combination and have made significant improvements.

My second episode was a shock but I was more prepared for it mentally. This onset was a few weeks ago, fortunately on a weekend, I'm still going to work, but it isn't easy, especially in the mornings but I'm just trying to get on with it, I have kids so that helps but it's hard to get family to understand or even believe me when I describe the symptoms,


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## Ponchick

I have read many a lot of the thread in here even though many of them are from 2004.

I would like to touch on what I believe has helped me to some extent.

I have decided not to worry about being different or broken if I have DP. I recognize something is different about me. But I push myself out there and force myself to interact. In some ways it does help. Being so self aware and deeply introspective is a boon in some life situations. And coming to the realizations of myself and knowing now that it is me helps me go through life.

It is tough sometimes but at this stage on my life I have learned to work around the problem rather than just tackle it head on. It does not help me feel any more connected though and I still get depressed about that.

One of my daughter's I believe has something similar and I watch her closely. She is only 5 and she was diagnosed as being a "spectrum child" of autism. I wonder if I would have been diagnosed that way also. But no matter what I want to be there for her so she knows she is not alone and that she can have a fully functional and productive life. She is only 5 and this motivates me. I see myself in her so much.


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## Irene

Memory is a problem, I have to do lots of thinking in order to recall past events. Memories are fragmented and not linear, all jumbled.

And still in all of this, I wonder if I have DP/DR for real.
I ask myself this question daily, its become an obsession.
Afraid that I made it all up or that there is something else going on, which is not Dp/Dr.
These are all feelings I encounter daily.
Good post Sc.[/quote]

These are the two things that I'm dealing with along with some of the other symptoms as well...but I often contemplate if what I have is truly Dp or if it's really something else...This sucks! I think my next step is to go through all of the necessary tests to rule out any underlying cause of Dp...which I'm DREADING!!!!!


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## Irene

Ponchick said:


> I have read many a lot of the thread in here even though many of them are from 2004.
> I would like to touch on what I believe has helped me to some extent.
> I have decided not to worry about being different or broken if I have DP. I recognize something is different about me. But I push myself out there and force myself to interact. In some ways it does help. Being so self aware and deeply introspective is a boon in some life situations. And coming to the realizations of myself and knowing now that it is me helps me go through life.
> It is tough sometimes but at this stage on my life I have learned to work around the problem rather than just tackle it head on. It does not help me feel any more connected though and I still get depressed about that.
> One of my daughter's I believe has something similar and I watch her closely. She is only 5 and she was diagnosed as being a "spectrum child" of autism. I wonder if I would have been diagnosed that way also. But no matter what I want to be there for her so she knows she is not alone and that she can have a fully functional and productive life. She is only 5 and this motivates me. I see myself in her so much.


That's funny I'm totally reading through these posts from 2004 as well! Lol. But anyways I see symptoms of Dp in my daughter as well and her therapist recently recommended her for formal testing of Aspergers...so this makes me wonder if I'm on the spectrum as well.


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## jonsnow

It used to be worse when I was young, like 12 or 13 years. I initially thought I was weak and felt dizzy/like fainting all the time. It happened at the worst moments, i.e, while playing with my friends or in school. I was helpless and those were the years of sheer torture.

Following those years, I became fine and in fact didn't even realize it was gone. It was like a distant memory; a dream. I didn't even think about until now.

So one day my curiosity got to me and tried to google "feel like a stranger when looking at a mirror" Lol, I expected no results to come back, I even thought It might've been some lyrics to a song. I was surprised to see a Wikipedia link talking about DP/DR disorder, I was like woah, there's an actual diagnosis for this! And all this time I though I had gone crazy! I had never been so relieved!

I'm currently sixteen and dp has got me again. But this time it's weaker, it's like I can control it and make it to go away, usually by talking to people or distracting myself. The strongest triggers are when I stare at a mirror for too long, usually without thinking anything, or if I'm so engrossed in reading a book, watching a movie, using the internet, that I suddenly feel like I'm an observer to myself, that I can control my body but feel like a stranger doing so!

Then again, the worst part is people think it's because of drugs. I've never done weed before and I really hate broad generalizations of such a sensitive matter.


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## katieq

It's hard to explain but this wave will wash over me hard. And i feel like... i'm staring out of my body but everything seems like it's not real. Even myself. It happens to me a ton while i'm driving which is no fun. Or when i'm with people, I feel like i'm behind a foggy glass, and they are all on the other side. I can hear them and everything but it's hard for me to react normally, and have a normal conversation because I'm so focused on myself and how I'm feeling. I'm coming to learn that alcohol is something that makes my DP go through the roof. Really bad.

I was actually anxiety and DP free the entire last year.. But here I am back on these forums because it came out of nowhere and feels almost ten times worse than before. UGH.


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## Notreallyhere

Hi guys and gals,

This chat thing is new to me so please have patience with me..

I believe I've got dr (undiagnosed as yet..). However I've suffered from insomnia most of my life so it could be due to lack of sleep.. Nevertheless my symptoms are about the same as the symptoms described by Guest_*.

Another disturbing dr-related experience I've been having far longer than I care to remember is a sort of amnesia in reverse. I remember stuff well enough, childhood, parents, where I work etc.,but I don't recognize the "me" remembering..This is a bit difficult to explain, but it's like I'm experiencing somebody else's memories. NOT EXACTLY but somewhat like that.. As I said very difficult to put down in words.

I always feel alone, especially in company. Ive read of people suffering from dr talk of a glass pane between them and the rest of the world. Exactly how I feel. I don't have ( and come to realize I've never had) real contact with anyone, except perhaps when I was very young. People's day to day experiences seem alien to me (whoever he is..;-) ) though I go through the same mundane motions as everybody else.

Anyhow, I've started to think I've always been like this. I used to phase out as a kid (I still do..). I am sort of conscious during the episodes but I don't really see or hear anything around me. Sometimes it's like getting lost in the continuous clutter of my mind,sometimes I'm in some sort of limbo, being there but not really being there. The episodes never last more than a minute. People don't notice it that often but I sometimes miss stuff,like what's being said or what people are doing..

I believe I'm considered sociable enough, I'm working, got friends, married etc. I'm just "removed" most of the time. This life I'm living seem alien to me.

Currently I'm not on any medication other than Atarax (hydroxyzine) for insomnia. I used Mirtazapine previously for about ten years but it mysteriously stopped working about a year ago so I stopped using it.

I don't do recriational drugs other than alcohol on occasion. I'm seeing both a psychiatrist and psychologist for my insomnia. The psychologist suspects I have attention deficit disorder which would explain my difficulty in concentrating on stuff I'm not interested in and a bunch of other symptoms I've had most of my life.

As far as I know I haven't been through any significant traumatic event.

Years ago someone told me it helps to know your not alone with mental health issues.

It doesn't. At least it doesn't for me, not really. But it makes me think that problem is not necessarily a chemical imbalance in the brain,or even a traumatic event or whatever. I believe that most mental health issues are due to society and the ways we interact with each other.

Ok,I also tend to rant and digress so I'll end this here. To all concerned I wish you the best and hope at least some of you can "find yourselves" so to speak...


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## semicharmedlife

I tend to not have DP/DR as soon as I wake up in the morning... It will ALWAYS hit me a few hours after being awake, out of NOWHERE, and usually when I'm at work. Having it at work is really the only time it really really bothers me. It's kind of hard for me to explain what it feels like.

I don't just feel it mentally, but I also literally feel something PHYSICALLY. Something kind of hits me with a wave of DP. And it's like bam: I'm depersonalized. And the fact that it comes out of nowhere is the scariest part. I read somewhere that someone described their head kind of feels light and like cotton balls? I guess I can relate to that. It's like a bad acid trip.. And you think it's going to last forever but you keep telling yourself it will go away. And then eventually it does. But then it can come right back. Sometimes I do this weird thing where if I'm around people I'll touch my face a lot, almost like I'm trying to hide or not let anyone see me. I do this at the bar sometimes, and to co-workers when I'm depersonalized. I'm getting so frustrated dealing with this, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm sick of just getting through everyday. I want to feel normal again. Whatever that was.


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## semicharmedlife

I'd also like to add that everytime I get a wave of DP/DR, I always think in my head that this was worse than the last time each time I experience it. I'm not sure if that's really the case or if it's just cause it's hard to remember what the last time felt like. They really all feel similar. It's so strange how it's almost indescribable though... And hard to remember when you're feeling "alright". Such a weird disorder.


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## THHI808

Thank you for taking the time to start to read this...

So freshman year of high school (2010-2011), the first day of winter break (which was during december I smoked weed for the first time and by the end of winter break I was caught by my father. I stopped smoking for awhile because of possible drug testing from my dad but every now and then I would sneak a hit in between the months that went by. Weed got me stoned like everybody else.. But I do think it is a prime cause of my depersonalization/derealization that I suffer with today.

February 19th 2011 (still freshman year), I did LSD with a bunch of friends. I obviously felt mature enough for my age (I was 14) to do LSD, all I really was interested in was hallucinating but little did I know I would wind up to believe it was the worst decision I've made in my life so far because of the long term effects that came with it and still effect me to this day. I took one tab at 9:00 PM and didn't sleep til 24 hours later. It was a great trip, nothing wrong with it at all. It was a very memorable night full of so much fun and crazy shit that happened.

I also believe that LSD is what triggered this disorder which has progressively become worse over the years.

I only first noticed a weird altering with my perception on reality the day of freshman prom which was May 2011. I was bodyboarding in the ocean at one of my local beaches and everything seemed like it was happening so fast, and I was in control (of course) but it seemed as if I was perceiving my actions from a third party. When I say third party I dont mean like an out of body experience I just mean I was watching myself do everything involuntarily. I believe this was the first time I ever noticed differences in my perception on reality. It was almost like I was becoming more aware of everything around me but still didnt feel all there? If you get me.

As sophomore year came by (2011-2012) I started to date a girl and she didnt want me to smoke weed or drink that entire relationship. So, I did and I dont remember ever feeling any symptoms of depersonalization during sophomore year because I was really sober all the time and had a girlfriend which provided a lot of structure and a distraction to keep my mind off of the feelings I had previous to sophomore year.

Junior year (2012-2013) I smoked weed and drank a lot but NOT as much as you would think. I always no my limits when drinking, never puked once. I did on the other hand smoke a lot of weed. Very recreationally. Weed was the craziest thing for me. I always felt GONE whenever I smoked it and it almost seemed like before the depersonalization got noticable worse, smoking weed to me would be like smoking depersonalization. It always made me feel very distant except a few times. I dont know why but I continued to on/off smoke weed.

Senior year (2013-2014) came by and I smoked weed occasionally. I also stopped drinking for awhile because everytime I would drink, my piss would sting and all of it wouldnt come out, it was very painful but I still continued drinking. I started to really notice these symptoms at the beginning of the year. I drank occasionally and smoked rarely but I did do shrooms somewhere around the 2nd semester and DMT somewhere around there too. I dont think these participated in worsening the symptoms but definitely gave me very strong philisophical outlooks on life. But now having these outlooks they seem to make me feel like life is very "unreal" and just add to my everlasting questions and depersonalized thoughts on life.

Ive done MDMA 5 times over the past months since March this year (2014.) I have learned that MDMA and ecstacy are prime contributors to depersonalization/derealization disorder through the work of Jeffrey Abugel. It most definitely has worsened my condition. I think that this is because of Molly and Ecstacy's infamous "comedown" after the high. It always hit me so hard the next morning and even during the night.
One night my two friends and I decided to do molly for this pretty good hotel party and just to have an adventure that night. I ended up doing 4 pills of the best MDMA that I have access to locally. I even smoked some weed that night and it was the highest Ive ever been and I had a spectacular time with everybody. At around 3:00 Am the party mellowed down and there was only 10 people left there. I hate the feeling of coming down. I got terrible depression and was in a room with all these people really high off of weed and very depressed off the comedown thinking "This is so fucking awkward, we're all so grown up and this is what were doing?" Keep in mind Ive known all these kids since childhood and they all just seemed so lame (but i would never think that). One of my exes were in the room and I looked at her and realized that "we are all animals in this room, we are all this one species and am I the only one that realizes this now? Is everybody that blind? Or am I just now realizing this after everybody already has?" I just had the craziest thoughts pop into my head. Those thoughts always seem to come up nowadays. That night definitely put a dent in my already existing condition because of the depressing comedown and the weed depressing me as well it was just not a good mix.

The feelings of depersonalization/derealization disorder have truly been on/off throughout these four years but have definitely been progressively getting worse. I think I function well in all ways just time goes by faster, I have crazy thoughts about life, mild depression, my perception of things is different then other people (im sure of it), focusing is difficult and zoning out is inevitable a lot of the time. I know there is a road to recovery I just need the map.

I've been sober for a month and 2 weeks (since Halloween.) If I dont stay sober I could ruin my life and make this a lot more worse. I have only spilled this out to one of my very close friends that is a apprentice psychologist and a little bit to one of my ex girlfriends.

I have faith that I will recover because I'm not the only one who has these feelings and thoughts, theres a good amount of info on this subject on google and youtube but I desperately wish this was a more identified and researched disorder. I only as of recently know the name for it. When these symptoms would happen over the years I didnt know what they were but I always feared I was becoming "permafried."

More Things I Would Like To Get Off Of My Chest:
I have some very crazy thoughts on my mind most of the time. General life questions like why am I here? What is this consciousness? As of recently I am fucking blown away by this thought I had at work about how everybody is living a life just as vivid as mine and that they also have a consciousness just as complex as mine. I also think about how without words and language what the fuck would everything BE? I am just so stumped on the immensity of all of this energy in the world and WHAT LIFE IS. It is FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE. Do you ever just look at your shoulder or any part of your body closer to your eyes and trip out on the raw thought of your conscious body? Whenever I do this I think that, and also trip out on the power of the present and that at this moment I could do anything, go anywhere and have the most confidence to do anything but Im sitting on this computer typing away because this disorder has cursed me...

More thoughts I have are why does it even matter if I were to die right now? I have had thoughts about suicide in the past but would never ever kill myself. I could never do it and to me there is no point unless I lived in a horrible corner of the earth but I live in Hawaii and have a great life.

I try and take my mind away from these thoughts and focus on what makes ME HAPPY and my family. I hate to be cocky and always try to stay humble but I genuinely think that I am a good person who tries his best. Whenever I am around a new individual I try to do my best to prevent them from disliking me, thinking im weird or hating me. Ive been trying to be accepted by everybody my whole life. I am accepted by all my friends but I just feel like I have this drive to come off as a cool/genuine person to be around whenever I meet someone new. I have been working on accepting myself and being myself for sometime.

But At the same time I dont give a fuck if somebody hates me but before it comes to that I try and be the best person to be around while trying to be myself at the same time. Doing what makes me happy and not having too much care for one thing is what seems to really help my depersonalization and help me cope with reality. This could be because I might have minor anxiety and not know it. I have also experienced minor hallucinations from DP, such as auras over objects and there is almost a hundred percent of the time a layer of thin dots in front of my vision. but there are billions of them... Its impossible to describe but try and focus on something that isnt an object just what your eye sees before an object... I experience this a lot, I feel like it is the invisible energy field that is always present and I can see it or something.

This is 5 percent of most of the thoughts I have. If you mind them being a little flawed just know that Im just trying to get this all down as a basis.

Currently I do well with maintaining a mask to put on for society and I am genuinely happy all the time. I am 18, still living at home, just got my license and working hard at a very nice restaurant. I am an amateur pro bodyboarder who is also a surf and wave photographer. I am working on getting a girlfriend because I know it will help as a distraction and build more structure then I already have. Also because love is one of the meanings of life which I want to achieve.

I would also like to one day visit a doctor, therapist or neurologist, its just my dad would find out about my condition and all the drugs I've done... One day it will have to come out

If you have gotten this far reading my story just know that I THANK YOU for reading this and creating an opinion in your head about my situation... Please share what you think through a comment or to me via chat... Thank you


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## Elise

My main issue is with how I perceive my own speech. Namely, that it feels as though I am not responsible for it or not totally in control of it in some way.

I remember when my DP was first developing I would speak while touching my lips in some way - to try and reassure myself that I was in fact speaking.

It's very frustrating.

When my DP is acute I tend to speak less/not at all.


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## strongmind82

DP/DR have gone hand in hand for me, the worst is ill be at an event or just walking with others talking or in a car driving and get this intense feeling of complete lost not know anything who I am what I am where i am? The best way for me to cope with this so far is to completely block the thought out when it comes in just tell myself your experiencing a symptom and it will pass fairly quickly. Anxiety is also a problem now i may be nervous about something i wouldve never been nervous about. Its interesting to go about life like this its super surreal and i know i will overcome this because i do not think it is terribly severe im 17 super in shape and have a very comfortable life. I read something about natural supplements on this website and am interested in trying, i am firmly against all prescription meds. I tried taking someone passion flower but it threw me into a bad anxiety attack for an unkown reason after the 5th time taking it so future looks bright the best way ive been dealing is just telling myself its all in my head.


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## strongmind82

THHI808 said:


> Thank you for taking the time to start to read this...
> 
> So freshman year of high school (2010-2011), the first day of winter break (which was during december I smoked weed for the first time and by the end of winter break I was caught by my father. I stopped smoking for awhile because of possible drug testing from my dad but every now and then I would sneak a hit in between the months that went by. Weed got me stoned like everybody else.. But I do think it is a prime cause of my depersonalization/derealization that I suffer with today.
> 
> February 19th 2011 (still freshman year), I did LSD with a bunch of friends. I obviously felt mature enough for my age (I was 14) to do LSD, all I really was interested in was hallucinating but little did I know I would wind up to believe it was the worst decision I've made in my life so far because of the long term effects that came with it and still effect me to this day. I took one tab at 9:00 PM and didn't sleep til 24 hours later. It was a great trip, nothing wrong with it at all. It was a very memorable night full of so much fun and crazy shit that happened.
> 
> I also believe that LSD is what triggered this disorder which has progressively become worse over the years.
> 
> I only first noticed a weird altering with my perception on reality the day of freshman prom which was May 2011. I was bodyboarding in the ocean at one of my local beaches and everything seemed like it was happening so fast, and I was in control (of course) but it seemed as if I was perceiving my actions from a third party. When I say third party I dont mean like an out of body experience I just mean I was watching myself do everything involuntarily. I believe this was the first time I ever noticed differences in my perception on reality. It was almost like I was becoming more aware of everything around me but still didnt feel all there? If you get me.
> 
> As sophomore year came by (2011-2012) I started to date a girl and she didnt want me to smoke weed or drink that entire relationship. So, I did and I dont remember ever feeling any symptoms of depersonalization during sophomore year because I was really sober all the time and had a girlfriend which provided a lot of structure and a distraction to keep my mind off of the feelings I had previous to sophomore year.
> 
> Junior year (2012-2013) I smoked weed and drank a lot but NOT as much as you would think. I always no my limits when drinking, never puked once. I did on the other hand smoke a lot of weed. Very recreationally. Weed was the craziest thing for me. I always felt GONE whenever I smoked it and it almost seemed like before the depersonalization got noticable worse, smoking weed to me would be like smoking depersonalization. It always made me feel very distant except a few times. I dont know why but I continued to on/off smoke weed.
> 
> Senior year (2013-2014) came by and I smoked weed occasionally. I also stopped drinking for awhile because everytime I would drink, my piss would sting and all of it wouldnt come out, it was very painful but I still continued drinking. I started to really notice these symptoms at the beginning of the year. I drank occasionally and smoked rarely but I did do shrooms somewhere around the 2nd semester and DMT somewhere around there too. I dont think these participated in worsening the symptoms but definitely gave me very strong philisophical outlooks on life. But now having these outlooks they seem to make me feel like life is very "unreal" and just add to my everlasting questions and depersonalized thoughts on life.
> 
> Ive done MDMA 5 times over the past months since March this year (2014.) I have learned that MDMA and ecstacy are prime contributors to depersonalization/derealization disorder through the work of Jeffrey Abugel. It most definitely has worsened my condition. I think that this is because of Molly and Ecstacy's infamous "comedown" after the high. It always hit me so hard the next morning and even during the night.
> One night my two friends and I decided to do molly for this pretty good hotel party and just to have an adventure that night. I ended up doing 4 pills of the best MDMA that I have access to locally. I even smoked some weed that night and it was the highest Ive ever been and I had a spectacular time with everybody. At around 3:00 Am the party mellowed down and there was only 10 people left there. I hate the feeling of coming down. I got terrible depression and was in a room with all these people really high off of weed and very depressed off the comedown thinking "This is so fucking awkward, we're all so grown up and this is what were doing?" Keep in mind Ive known all these kids since childhood and they all just seemed so lame (but i would never think that). One of my exes were in the room and I looked at her and realized that "we are all animals in this room, we are all this one species and am I the only one that realizes this now? Is everybody that blind? Or am I just now realizing this after everybody already has?" I just had the craziest thoughts pop into my head. Those thoughts always seem to come up nowadays. That night definitely put a dent in my already existing condition because of the depressing comedown and the weed depressing me as well it was just not a good mix.
> 
> The feelings of depersonalization/derealization disorder have truly been on/off throughout these four years but have definitely been progressively getting worse. I think I function well in all ways just time goes by faster, I have crazy thoughts about life, mild depression, my perception of things is different then other people (im sure of it), focusing is difficult and zoning out is inevitable a lot of the time. I know there is a road to recovery I just need the map.
> 
> I've been sober for a month and 2 weeks (since Halloween.) If I dont stay sober I could ruin my life and make this a lot more worse. I have only spilled this out to one of my very close friends that is a apprentice psychologist and a little bit to one of my ex girlfriends.
> 
> I have faith that I will recover because I'm not the only one who has these feelings and thoughts, theres a good amount of info on this subject on google and youtube but I desperately wish this was a more identified and researched disorder. I only as of recently know the name for it. When these symptoms would happen over the years I didnt know what they were but I always feared I was becoming "permafried."
> 
> More Things I Would Like To Get Off Of My Chest:
> I have some very crazy thoughts on my mind most of the time. General life questions like why am I here? What is this consciousness? As of recently I am fucking blown away by this thought I had at work about how everybody is living a life just as vivid as mine and that they also have a consciousness just as complex as mine. I also think about how without words and language what the fuck would everything BE? I am just so stumped on the immensity of all of this energy in the world and WHAT LIFE IS. It is FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE. Do you ever just look at your shoulder or any part of your body closer to your eyes and trip out on the raw thought of your conscious body? Whenever I do this I think that, and also trip out on the power of the present and that at this moment I could do anything, go anywhere and have the most confidence to do anything but Im sitting on this computer typing away because this disorder has cursed me...
> 
> More thoughts I have are why does it even matter if I were to die right now? I have had thoughts about suicide in the past but would never ever kill myself. I could never do it and to me there is no point unless I lived in a horrible corner of the earth but I live in Hawaii and have a great life.
> 
> I try and take my mind away from these thoughts and focus on what makes ME HAPPY and my family. I hate to be cocky and always try to stay humble but I genuinely think that I am a good person who tries his best. Whenever I am around a new individual I try to do my best to prevent them from disliking me, thinking im weird or hating me. Ive been trying to be accepted by everybody my whole life. I am accepted by all my friends but I just feel like I have this drive to come off as a cool/genuine person to be around whenever I meet someone new. I have been working on accepting myself and being myself for sometime.
> 
> But At the same time I dont give a fuck if somebody hates me but before it comes to that I try and be the best person to be around while trying to be myself at the same time. Doing what makes me happy and not having too much care for one thing is what seems to really help my depersonalization and help me cope with reality. This could be because I might have minor anxiety and not know it. I have also experienced minor hallucinations from DP, such as auras over objects and there is almost a hundred percent of the time a layer of thin dots in front of my vision. but there are billions of them... Its impossible to describe but try and focus on something that isnt an object just what your eye sees before an object... I experience this a lot, I feel like it is the invisible energy field that is always present and I can see it or something.
> 
> This is 5 percent of most of the thoughts I have. If you mind them being a little flawed just know that Im just trying to get this all down as a basis.
> 
> Currently I do well with maintaining a mask to put on for society and I am genuinely happy all the time. I am 18, still living at home, just got my license and working hard at a very nice restaurant. I am an amateur pro bodyboarder who is also a surf and wave photographer. I am working on getting a girlfriend because I know it will help as a distraction and build more structure then I already have. Also because love is one of the meanings of life which I want to achieve.
> 
> I would also like to one day visit a doctor, therapist or neurologist, its just my dad would find out about my condition and all the drugs I've done... One day it will have to come out
> 
> If you have gotten this far reading my story just know that I THANK YOU for reading this and creating an opinion in your head about my situation... Please share what you think through a comment or to me via chat... Thank you


im 17 i feel the same way about thoughts and what not just try to block them out and move on with life as soon as they come into your head dont let them elaborate. I live the same way comfortable life with great people one day it will be better im hopeful


----------



## Kindred Me

Scary. Its scary.

Some moments, I don't even feel human. Every single "feeling" I have is a fact. My mind says I feel happy, but I don't actually FEEL. I'm completely on autopilot, every moment, of every day. I have no emotions, no feelings, and cant seem to remember what my face looks like. I cant remember what I did the day before, without really thinking, or come to terms with the events that are happening in my life. Some, completely life changing.......

Its scary.


----------



## florent1234

Hello, everybody I am so glad to hear that other people do suffer from this shitty condition. But I am kinda stupid, I inflicted the symptom on myself by smoking marijuana for 2 two years between the age of 15 and 17, lot of partying, and few pannic attacks that left me always kinda normal the next day. But when I would re smoke weed the feeling would come so I only drank alchool when I went out partying. But recently I've experienced a hectic pannic attack, I am questioning my existence the origin of who I really am and I felt like I was loosing my mind. Tired and stressed. And since I 've been having this wierd feeling for about 3 weeks now. Feel like I am a different person and I always have think about who am I really, whats the essence of my existence .... How do you people deal with it, because I am scared of taking medication and fucking my dp even more. Thanks guys  Even if no one reads this I am so glad to finally get to write down what I feel


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## florent1234

THHI808 said:


> Thank you for taking the time to start to read this...
> 
> So freshman year of high school (2010-2011), the first day of winter break (which was during december I smoked weed for the first time and by the end of winter break I was caught by my father. I stopped smoking for awhile because of possible drug testing from my dad but every now and then I would sneak a hit in between the months that went by. Weed got me stoned like everybody else.. But I do think it is a prime cause of my depersonalization/derealization that I suffer with today.
> 
> February 19th 2011 (still freshman year), I did LSD with a bunch of friends. I obviously felt mature enough for my age (I was 14) to do LSD, all I really was interested in was hallucinating but little did I know I would wind up to believe it was the worst decision I've made in my life so far because of the long term effects that came with it and still effect me to this day. I took one tab at 9:00 PM and didn't sleep til 24 hours later. It was a great trip, nothing wrong with it at all. It was a very memorable night full of so much fun and crazy shit that happened.
> 
> I also believe that LSD is what triggered this disorder which has progressively become worse over the years.
> 
> I only first noticed a weird altering with my perception on reality the day of freshman prom which was May 2011. I was bodyboarding in the ocean at one of my local beaches and everything seemed like it was happening so fast, and I was in control (of course) but it seemed as if I was perceiving my actions from a third party. When I say third party I dont mean like an out of body experience I just mean I was watching myself do everything involuntarily. I believe this was the first time I ever noticed differences in my perception on reality. It was almost like I was becoming more aware of everything around me but still didnt feel all there? If you get me.
> 
> As sophomore year came by (2011-2012) I started to date a girl and she didnt want me to smoke weed or drink that entire relationship. So, I did and I dont remember ever feeling any symptoms of depersonalization during sophomore year because I was really sober all the time and had a girlfriend which provided a lot of structure and a distraction to keep my mind off of the feelings I had previous to sophomore year.
> 
> Junior year (2012-2013) I smoked weed and drank a lot but NOT as much as you would think. I always no my limits when drinking, never puked once. I did on the other hand smoke a lot of weed. Very recreationally. Weed was the craziest thing for me. I always felt GONE whenever I smoked it and it almost seemed like before the depersonalization got noticable worse, smoking weed to me would be like smoking depersonalization. It always made me feel very distant except a few times. I dont know why but I continued to on/off smoke weed.
> 
> Senior year (2013-2014) came by and I smoked weed occasionally. I also stopped drinking for awhile because everytime I would drink, my piss would sting and all of it wouldnt come out, it was very painful but I still continued drinking. I started to really notice these symptoms at the beginning of the year. I drank occasionally and smoked rarely but I did do shrooms somewhere around the 2nd semester and DMT somewhere around there too. I dont think these participated in worsening the symptoms but definitely gave me very strong philisophical outlooks on life. But now having these outlooks they seem to make me feel like life is very "unreal" and just add to my everlasting questions and depersonalized thoughts on life.
> 
> Ive done MDMA 5 times over the past months since March this year (2014.) I have learned that MDMA and ecstacy are prime contributors to depersonalization/derealization disorder through the work of Jeffrey Abugel. It most definitely has worsened my condition. I think that this is because of Molly and Ecstacy's infamous "comedown" after the high. It always hit me so hard the next morning and even during the night.
> One night my two friends and I decided to do molly for this pretty good hotel party and just to have an adventure that night. I ended up doing 4 pills of the best MDMA that I have access to locally. I even smoked some weed that night and it was the highest Ive ever been and I had a spectacular time with everybody. At around 3:00 Am the party mellowed down and there was only 10 people left there. I hate the feeling of coming down. I got terrible depression and was in a room with all these people really high off of weed and very depressed off the comedown thinking "This is so fucking awkward, we're all so grown up and this is what were doing?" Keep in mind Ive known all these kids since childhood and they all just seemed so lame (but i would never think that). One of my exes were in the room and I looked at her and realized that "we are all animals in this room, we are all this one species and am I the only one that realizes this now? Is everybody that blind? Or am I just now realizing this after everybody already has?" I just had the craziest thoughts pop into my head. Those thoughts always seem to come up nowadays. That night definitely put a dent in my already existing condition because of the depressing comedown and the weed depressing me as well it was just not a good mix.
> 
> The feelings of depersonalization/derealization disorder have truly been on/off throughout these four years but have definitely been progressively getting worse. I think I function well in all ways just time goes by faster, I have crazy thoughts about life, mild depression, my perception of things is different then other people (im sure of it), focusing is difficult and zoning out is inevitable a lot of the time. I know there is a road to recovery I just need the map.
> 
> I've been sober for a month and 2 weeks (since Halloween.) If I dont stay sober I could ruin my life and make this a lot more worse. I have only spilled this out to one of my very close friends that is a apprentice psychologist and a little bit to one of my ex girlfriends.
> 
> I have faith that I will recover because I'm not the only one who has these feelings and thoughts, theres a good amount of info on this subject on google and youtube but I desperately wish this was a more identified and researched disorder. I only as of recently know the name for it. When these symptoms would happen over the years I didnt know what they were but I always feared I was becoming "permafried."
> 
> More Things I Would Like To Get Off Of My Chest:
> I have some very crazy thoughts on my mind most of the time. General life questions like why am I here? What is this consciousness? As of recently I am fucking blown away by this thought I had at work about how everybody is living a life just as vivid as mine and that they also have a consciousness just as complex as mine. I also think about how without words and language what the fuck would everything BE? I am just so stumped on the immensity of all of this energy in the world and WHAT LIFE IS. It is FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE. Do you ever just look at your shoulder or any part of your body closer to your eyes and trip out on the raw thought of your conscious body? Whenever I do this I think that, and also trip out on the power of the present and that at this moment I could do anything, go anywhere and have the most confidence to do anything but Im sitting on this computer typing away because this disorder has cursed me...
> 
> More thoughts I have are why does it even matter if I were to die right now? I have had thoughts about suicide in the past but would never ever kill myself. I could never do it and to me there is no point unless I lived in a horrible corner of the earth but I live in Hawaii and have a great life.
> 
> I try and take my mind away from these thoughts and focus on what makes ME HAPPY and my family. I hate to be cocky and always try to stay humble but I genuinely think that I am a good person who tries his best. Whenever I am around a new individual I try to do my best to prevent them from disliking me, thinking im weird or hating me. Ive been trying to be accepted by everybody my whole life. I am accepted by all my friends but I just feel like I have this drive to come off as a cool/genuine person to be around whenever I meet someone new. I have been working on accepting myself and being myself for sometime.
> 
> But At the same time I dont give a fuck if somebody hates me but before it comes to that I try and be the best person to be around while trying to be myself at the same time. Doing what makes me happy and not having too much care for one thing is what seems to really help my depersonalization and help me cope with reality. This could be because I might have minor anxiety and not know it. I have also experienced minor hallucinations from DP, such as auras over objects and there is almost a hundred percent of the time a layer of thin dots in front of my vision. but there are billions of them... Its impossible to describe but try and focus on something that isnt an object just what your eye sees before an object... I experience this a lot, I feel like it is the invisible energy field that is always present and I can see it or something.
> 
> This is 5 percent of most of the thoughts I have. If you mind them being a little flawed just know that Im just trying to get this all down as a basis.
> 
> Currently I do well with maintaining a mask to put on for society and I am genuinely happy all the time. I am 18, still living at home, just got my license and working hard at a very nice restaurant. I am an amateur pro bodyboarder who is also a surf and wave photographer. I am working on getting a girlfriend because I know it will help as a distraction and build more structure then I already have. Also because love is one of the meanings of life which I want to achieve.
> 
> I would also like to one day visit a doctor, therapist or neurologist, its just my dad would find out about my condition and all the drugs I've done... One day it will have to come out
> 
> If you have gotten this far reading my story just know that I THANK YOU for reading this and creating an opinion in your head about my situation... Please share what you think through a comment or to me via chat... Thank you


By the way man, I know what you mean, you loved doing drugs and alchool and suddenly you realised you were the only one that could not continue because of your OCD , and you still wanted to test if you oculd still by smoking occasionally but the feeling was not like before when you were smoking weed the hole. In my opinion, when you have these thoughts it ususally means that you havent done much with your life but partying and you need to get out their and enjoy life to regain your identity and not question it the hole time. Even if you have these thoughts all day, your mind is going to graudally cope withv them until one day they will be put aside as something you know and you've questioned and so useless. The difference between you and people wo dont suffer from dp is that we always over think questiones we perceive strange stuff that other people dont even bother acceptong these thoughts and analysing them. But try and stay away from drugs or alchool and you will feel much better with healthy eating and some sports. You will be back to normal soon and you will be able to party again but more reasonably.


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## kitsune66

I feel like my symptoms or whatever you want to call it are completely different than everyone elses, When I look at people I feel like they aren't real almost like robots, I feel like everyone is an empty vessel meaning they aren't thinking in their head like I am. I am always thinking and especially about whether all of this is real or not? Bright screens trip me out and i'm always feeling like my ears are muffled even though my hearing is perfectly fine. Ill have these moments where i have to touch things in my surroundings and even pinch myself to make sure that this isn't some fucked up dream. Im afraid to sleep as well, sometimes I feel like i wont wake up out of the dream. I have sleep paralysis and this scares me the most, I hate when it happens and I just never want to sleep again. I cant get over the fact that I am here experiencing life, I don't understand all of this but then again who does??..its completly and utterly insane and what's more insane is that people don't seem to realize this! we have our own fucking minds and our own bodies and why are we here?? This is some sick joke and if God was real and compassionate they wouldn't be putting us through this mind fuck. Im afraid of myself, of my consciousness. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror because i feel so weird when i see my reflection. I have panic attacks..I don't recognize myself, I don't know who I am or what I am. -_-


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## Couch

Most of the time, I'm just fine. It's at night when everyone is asleep that it hits me.

See I start thinking a lot, and it feels like.

I dunno, I can feel my own consciousness in the back of my brain I guess, is how I would describe it.

Like I'm watching myself from the back of my head, or over my shoulder.

It feels like I'm not exactly in my body, or like my body isn't quite right. Like my body is a keyhole and while I fit into that keyhole, I'm not exactly sure it's where I SHOULD be, if that makes sense?


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## raisingthebarre

Sometimes my dreams scare me too. They're really lucid sometimes and I feel trapped in them ur not alone. I use to hate looking in the mirror, too. I use to avoid mirrors and had panic attacks too. I still have existential thoughts that get to me. Tats typical DRDP. Lol ur not alone!


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## notna

- strong awareness of the universe i exist inside
- can not distract myself from it
- inside of a big mystery/riddle
- feeling of unrealness
- feeling desperate
- feeling like something stuck inside my throat, too much to handle
- hoping for an answer to all of this
- suicidal thoughts, however ending it will seperate me from my family
- wondering if other people really exists sometimes
- sense of something more than this universe, something behind, another dimension
- feel like im between a rock and a hard place
- lack of feelings and emotions, just awareness

Can anyone relate to this state? i think my life is ruined already


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## bigshowrocky

I had an anxiety attack back in Feb 2014 and made the mistake of stopping going to work and just stayed in my room and and went in side myself. I have had this for over a year now and it has been pure hell for me. I feel like my thoughts are not connecting properly in my head and I feel so numb. I feel like I am on auto pilot and am constantly thinking I am losing my mind. I have been given so many tablets and they have only stopped me from tipping over the edge. I am trying to go back to work as I believe the only way to beat this is to not give it so much attention(easier said then done I know)and to divert my attention as much as possible on other things and then the mind will heal itself.

I have had it twice before and it went within a couple of weeks both times and both times happened after an anxiety attack which I don't get very often thank God. I think it went away quicker the last two times because I never knew what it was and it did not have a name for me which meant it did not have so much presence if that makes sense. All the time I am giving it attention and worrying about it, I am sustaining it and keeping it alive and my mind does not have the chance to recover.

I can honesty say this has been the worst year of my life but I haven't gone mad yet and I have been thinking like this for over a year now.

I am still so scared though.

Sean


----------



## Dalf

I Suppose what Depersonalization is for me is, i feel as if someone put on a thick mask that is invisible, yet it weighs me down and i cannot focus on things clearly, it feels at all time like im being pulled out of my body, and it never goes away.. EVER my heart rate has gotten low to under 60 BPMs while moving and awake... so i rule out anxiety alot because my body doesnt shake and i rarely get over 80 BPMs, but Depersonalization causes me to have anxiety attacks... it feels so draining and scary, sometimes i just want to give it all up and just let myself slowly waste away, its been three years of all the same feeling over, and over, and over, and over , every single day...


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## Ningen

Blank mind, no thoughts or emotions. Apathetic to everything including reality.


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## Sarahwiththeh

I generally feel like nothing is significant and im kind of...Ghosting(?) through life I guess. My head is cloudy like 24/7. I either feel majorly weighed down or conversely incredibly light. Im never present. The world gets super HD sometimes and colours are super vibrant and I notice extremely tiny details in stuff. I just become hyper aware of everything. It pretty much feels like Im high like all the time and not in a good way. I feel like Im insane. It majorly sucks.

The only time I havent felt like this in recent memory was because of someone I got really close to...and they kicked me out of their life..ever since its been so much worse. I wake up and it's like Im watching a tv show about someone elses life or something.

I kind of feel like Im drowning most of the time


----------



## GlassOnion

Sarahwiththeh said:


> I generally feel like nothing is significant and im kind of...Ghosting(?) through life I guess. My head is cloudy like 24/7. I either feel majorly weighed down or conversely incredibly light. Im never present. The world gets super HD sometimes and colours are super vibrant and I notice extremely tiny details in stuff. I just become hyper aware of everything. It pretty much feels like Im high like all the time and not in a good way. I feel like Im insane. It majorly sucks.
> 
> The only time I havent felt like this in recent memory was because of someone I got really close to...and they kicked me out of their life..ever since its been so much worse. I wake up and it's like Im watching a tv show about someone elses life or something.
> 
> I kind of feel like Im drowning most of the time


I know exactly what you mean, my dp will go on and off for me. For me when it was occurring often, the most frustrating part was trying to convince people youre not making things up, trying to explain how it feels, or ruining relationships for me. I have a fear that I am destined to be alone and that I'm not supposed to be happy.


----------



## semicharmedlife

Sometimes I feel like my brain isn't there and it's just air inside my head. I read somewhere once of somebody describing their head stuffed with cotton balls, I could kind of relate to that. It's not that I don't feel anything or have no emotion though.. I just get the PHYSICAL scary symptons of what feels like a different life sometimes... It's so hard to describe what I feel, it kind of feels like a bad trip. My "episodes" don't usually last for more than 20 minutes now, but I could still do without them!


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## Alexes219

I feel void of life. My soul-less limbs drenched in null. Non- existence. Nothingness. My thoughts sucked into the black hole of empty. My emotions are illustrations plucked from the cynical imagination of a child. I feel my sockets sinking, I feel my limbs weakening. But none of this is true. All I am is pain ensconced in a corner to hide away, and even that is an illusion. It's confusing, hazy, and everything feels like it lacks the weight that makes up reality. It feels like i'm perpetually spacing out, and I have been off the planet earth so long, i'm practically an alien peering in occasionally. Sometimes I feel that if someone knocked into me hard enough, I would fall out of my body.


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## caracal

I generally have more DR symptoms than DP, if that makes sense. I remember having them even when I was a little kid. I feel sluggish constantly, like there's something heavy weighing me down. Even if I'm looking at something, I don't feel like I'm really seeing it. It's hard for me to focus on the big picture around me or take in my environment/scenery/etc. I feel like I'm constantly looking at life through a computer screen - everything is 2D. I actually considered that I might need glasses for a while because everything just feels so damn hazy and blurry.

Lately, though, I've been getting the DP 'side' too. I'm growing very disconnected from my voice, my actions, etc. I'm also kind of losing a grasp on my personality/sense of identity. It really scares me, as I've previously always prided myself on having a bold, optimistic, bubbly personality.

I also notice that I lose track of time easily, days start blending together. When I wake up in the morning I don't feel refreshed or recharged, it could be the day before for all I know. I'm not sure how to explain this, but maybe someone will understand what I'm getting at...


----------



## tatianna

I feel very uncomfortable today. I woke up at 6, even though I was asleep for only 3 hours. I feel like the DP got worst, like it's hitting me harder than ever. I can't walk, it's so hard for me to walk. It's like I have to concentrate on every step I take and it's just very scary for me. Like I'm going to fall down. I have to reach my foot out and be so careful, I don't know how to explain this. Then again, DP is extremely hard to explain.. I walk a few steps and I'm fine if I'm going at a certain pace. But then if I stop, it's like I lose myself again and I just can't get back on track that fast.

Eating food is different, the numbing I feel all over my body has taken control over my taste buds if that's even possible. I can't really taste anything? I can't feel whether something is hot or cold.

Has anyone felt this too? If so, how do you deal with it? Help..


----------



## my name

kitsune66 said:


> I feel like my symptoms or whatever you want to call it are completely different than everyone elses, When I look at people I feel like they aren't real almost like robots, I feel like everyone is an empty vessel meaning they aren't thinking in their head like I am. I am always thinking and especially about whether all of this is real or not? Bright screens trip me out and i'm always feeling like my ears are muffled even though my hearing is perfectly fine. Ill have these moments where i have to touch things in my surroundings and even pinch myself to make sure that this isn't some fucked up dream. Im afraid to sleep as well, sometimes I feel like i wont wake up out of the dream. I have sleep paralysis and this scares me the most, I hate when it happens and I just never want to sleep again. I cant get over the fact that I am here experiencing life, I don't understand all of this but then again who does??..its completly and utterly insane and what's more insane is that people don't seem to realize this! we have our own fucking minds and our own bodies and why are we here?? This is some sick joke and if God was real and compassionate they wouldn't be putting us through this mind fuck. Im afraid of myself, of my consciousness. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror because i feel so weird when i see my reflection. I have panic attacks..I don't recognize myself, I don't know who I am or what I am. -_-


I use to have almost all of the symptoms and feelings you described.
First time i get my intense panic attacs accompanied with anxiety and derealization i started to question EVERYTHING. Myself, other people, meaning of life, universe, death, i mean, everything.
And all of that *scared the shit out of me*. After some time i learned to ignore and go with the flow. It wasn't easy and quick road but that's just your mind playing tricks with you.
Finally after quite long time i recovered from it and questions just fade away, everything started to look and feel normal again.
But few days ago, everything came back out of nowhere but I'm not bothering with bizzare scary questions anymore ant it's much easier to overcome and go trough the day.
This time I'm much more confident it will go away and much quicker than before. All of this I wrote is obviously much shorter version of situation, and if you want to know more and how to overcome it,
please feel free to message me or anything.

Be strong and believe, it WILL get better if you do the right things.


----------



## my name

notna said:


> - strong awareness of the universe i exist inside
> - can not distract myself from it
> - inside of a big mystery/riddle
> - feeling of unrealness
> - feeling desperate
> - feeling like something stuck inside my throat, too much to handle
> - hoping for an answer to all of this
> - suicidal thoughts, however ending it will seperate me from my family
> - wondering if other people really exists sometimes
> - sense of something more than this universe, something behind, another dimension
> - feel like im between a rock and a hard place
> - lack of feelings and emotions, just awareness
> 
> Can anyone relate to this state? i think my life is ruined already


Yes, those types of thoughts are perfectly common for DP/DR
Feel free to message me for questions.


----------



## AusHusky

kitsune66 said:


> I feel like my symptoms or whatever you want to call it are completely different than everyone elses, When I look at people I feel like they aren't real almost like robots, I feel like everyone is an empty vessel meaning they aren't thinking in their head like I am. I am always thinking and especially about whether all of this is real or not? Bright screens trip me out and i'm always feeling like my ears are muffled even though my hearing is perfectly fine. Ill have these moments where i have to touch things in my surroundings and even pinch myself to make sure that this isn't some fucked up dream. Im afraid to sleep as well, sometimes I feel like i wont wake up out of the dream. I have sleep paralysis and this scares me the most, I hate when it happens and I just never want to sleep again. I cant get over the fact that I am here experiencing life, I don't understand all of this but then again who does??..its completly and utterly insane and what's more insane is that people don't seem to realize this! we have our own fucking minds and our own bodies and why are we here?? This is some sick joke and if God was real and compassionate they wouldn't be putting us through this mind fuck. Im afraid of myself, of my consciousness. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror because i feel so weird when i see my reflection. I have panic attacks..I don't recognize myself, I don't know who I am or what I am. -_-


this...


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## CoffeeGirl9

My symptoms:

Body feels weightless/ unreal/ without soul/ unpersonlike/ invisible/ ghost/ unrecognizable

I feel nothing....no emotion, no presence, normal feelings like tiredness, hunger, moods, etc.

Memory loss

Totally removed from body.....no one looking through my eyes..dead, wobbly, can barely walk

Nothing looks familiar

Feel disconnected from family and close friends

The farthest thing from myself/ no sense of self whatsoever

Thats just the start of it.....anyone else relate?


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## feron100

My dp feels like there is something covering my eyes and only affects me when I'm outside it makes me feel weird and fuzzy it is especially worse when it is bright outside it like affects me worse it's like something is of with my vision feels like I'll never get right again


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## deathangel11

There is no filter in my actions nor my words. I am a puppet with invisible strings. I could walk for miles and feel I'm having no control over where the body wants to go, my eyes are just watching and taking the ride. Mirrors are pointless, instead of magnifying flaws they now just magnify the fog and make it impossible to see or recognize. Relationships with friends, family or significant others are a struggle. I was not depressed, but I probably am now because of what this has done to me. Almost 2 years of this torturous unreality. I'm more at ease in the dark where I can't see, bright lights make it much worse. I might as well be sleeping for eternity because my entire life is being wiped away and replaced with this steamy glass. Everything is 2-D, flat, colorless in the sense that there is no energy or value to things. Visual hallucinations daily. I am a robot. I recently had started losing my temper very easily and completely lashing out on family and significant other, because my body has a mind of its own and my brain isn't capable of handling myself anymore. I cannot concentrate which deeply effects my ability to communicate with others and do well in school. I am 17. I cannot feel happiness anymore. Every time my body or spirit has the natural ability to feel something, my DP/DR numbs it. Everyday I just dread going to sleep because I don't want to deal with it another day. Naps magnify it as well. I also sometimes have forgotten people close to me such as my mother. Forgotten my past. Forgotten what I did yesterday. And it does not just happen in anxiety-filled situations, for I haven't been able to really feel anxiety since this really progressed into a severe case. It is everyday, every minute. I cannot remember the last day that I felt normal. I also feel like I cannot hear things clearly, like my ears are always kind of plugged. And I can really only focus on one sound at a time because of how disconnected I am. Other sounds are mostly muted until I'm focusing on that particular sound. The whole thing makes me feel very obnoxious and annoying, as I talk about it a lot... Simply because I want it to go away and be my bright self again. In addition, whenever i do concentrate on something like a test, once i look up from it i am totally lost and need a reminder where I am. Everything and Everyone is just fake plastic. The outside just looks like someone painted a canvas.
Goodnight


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## AMUNT

Anyone else having more of Brainfog and visual symptoms? I dont feel i have the DP side with thoughts like "i dont know who i am", "who am i" and "do we even exist" ??


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## cloftis86

It's so hard to describe. I hate even trying because I feel like I make no sense! I mostly feel like I'm in a dream. I feel like I can see everything around me, but I can't touch it. I'm in a movie. I am detached from my body and I'm in third person. I recognize people around me, but they still look so unfamiliar. I feel numb and scared. I feel lost. I hate it so much.


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## AllAlone322

cloftis86 said:


> It's so hard to describe. I hate even trying because I feel like I make no sense! I mostly feel like I'm in a dream. I feel like I can see everything around me, but I can't touch it. I'm in a movie. I am detached from my body and I'm in third person. I recognize people around me, but they still look so unfamiliar. I feel numb and scared. I feel lost. I hate it so much.


 cloftis86, Your description is very close to mine! You must condition yourself to not ruminate and feed into it. This has worked for me and my episodes are very short and mild now.


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## CoffeeGirl9

Does anyone else feel totally removed from your body? Like you can't hear yourself there. Like your body is in a room but you aren't in it. Every moment of my life since January I have had this feeling. A non-existing shell like nothingness feeling. Like I am not conscious. Does anyone else feel this way?


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## Omnismorss

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> Does anyone else feel totally removed from your body? Like you can't hear yourself there. Like your body is in a room but you aren't in it. Every moment of my life since January I have had this feeling. A non-existing shell like nothingness feeling. Like I am not conscious. Does anyone else feel this way?


I started feeling this about 2 no ths ago and 2 weeks ago i almoat died from an anaphylactic shock, i totally feels like u, really like 100% its quite worse now that i NEED to stay in bed like 22 hours/day and this is making me mad because im feeling 50% worse than never and i dont know uf its because the trauma of almost die or the shock really made some damage because its like im feeling, i dont know if you feel this bad please dont stay in bed all day it will just make things worse


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## Him

For me, DP/DR is...

It's like the world is bent and blurred via a camera lens. I become caught in intense routine, because familiar tasks make me feel more real. I sometimes have difficulty focusing on people. Like...I know they are there. I understand everything going on around me. But it isn't real. And neither am I. I end up feeling like a ghost or a hologram, something empty. When talking to people, if I'm experiencing bad DP/DR, I know that it is important, but...people become just so much white noise. And because I don't feel real and neither do they to me, I can't bring myself to interact in any meaningful way. It's hard to remember names of people that don't feel real to me. I have problems perceiving time. It often speeds up on me, and I lose track. Like a movie put in fast forward, except I did not push the button nor did I want to fast forward.

The worst part is the knowing. Knowing that yes, things must logically be real, but why can't I perceive myself or them as such? It ends up making me feel like an idiot. That I have awareness, but that awareness comes with no greater signficance. It just...is. For me, it comes/goes in episodes. Some are brief and last seconds, but I had a horrifying two weeks once where it was constant. Ugh.

Particularly frustrating is trying to put it in words. It's really hard to explain it unless it's to people who already get it.


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## temporary-android

Apathy. Lack of feeling positive emotions. Unable to care emotionally for people, even some that I know I should and want to care about. Numb. Nothing is here for me personally other than my brother, because for most people I am a background character. Disconnected?

I read this thing once that really fucked me up in terms of my views towards other people and reality, so that probably helped with all of this.


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## Djentleman69

I just posted a whole thread ('What is this?') with more detail. This is an alternate reality that I reach and become trapped in from time to time. This is not like the main level of DP/DR where you just feel disconnected (third person, dreamy state) and uncomfortable, it's terrifying. It's a very bad trip.

Taken directly from my post-

"I get to a state where I am very deeply in a state of DP/DR and it seems almost as if my entire unconscious mind manifests itself in everything around me. Everything people say, body language, random noises, laughter, ..everything... seems to mock me and it freaks me out. I know they're not ACTUALLY reading my mind, but everything is timed and synchronized so perfectly that it seems that way. I am not exaggerating when I say every last detail (word, noise, body language) becomes part of this. To put it a little more in a nutshell, everything/everyone 's behavior seems sarcastic, aggressive, and mocking toward me, even though the conversation is never about me in reality, it's as if they're talking about me in metaphors. It's an alternate reality that is hard for me to snap out of."


----------



## CrystalGoddess22

So it's been a few days that this has been going on. It comes in waves, some are more frightening than others, but there's a constant feeling of detachment. It started when i smoked marijuana for the first time. Is this going to last for even longer? Or is it some long lasting effect of weed? I had a traumatic childhood leading all the way up to my late teens that I'm still dealing with to this day. Should I be worried?


----------



## Djentleman69

Well, definitely don't smoke anymore. At least until there is more research done on marijuana and you resolve this a little. It's for some people and isn't for others.

So the way I see it, it's almost like living in a realm that isn't the "normal" physical realm. Your body is here and your mind is in some parallel dimension where you can still see this one. I don't mean that literally but that's what it seems like in my opinion. But the way I deal with it is I really tell myself what my goals are whether it's short term or whatever. It sort of functions as an anchor in this physical, normal dimension that you want to be in. Every time you start to stray away think about what you're focused on or want.

As opposed to thinking about how you're going to escape this uncomfortable mental state or dimension you're in. Don't get me wrong, if there are switches and wires in your brain that aren't functioning properly, there is medication for that. But I think it always good to develop strategies to at least eliminate the worry in your mind, because that's half of the problem when it comes to anxiety related illnesses.

Again just my two cents. I'm not a professional or anything. My main advice to you is don't worry about it. Take the necessary actions to take control of your mind and keep it where YOU want it. But never worry, worry serves no purpose.

:]


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## eter

Interesting to read. I can not add much I think. Perhaps that I am very sensible, and the problem for me when being with other people, or in places with much to see, smell...it is like I experience everything, completely, and at once. I can not explain better, I have no words for it. But it is more like I am everything, then I am nothing. So intense. And intinmate in a way I can not hold.


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## servadei

This. 
Wendy, you just described me word by word.

You even concluded it perfectly "Afraid that I made it all up or that there is something else going on, which is not Dp/Dr."


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## Lahdihdah

Okay, so I'm self diagnosed and sometimes I'm not even sure if I can say I do have dp/Dr. All I know is that I every now and then I feel really off, as if there is a huge glass pane in front of my eyes that I can't break through, or suddenly the world looks artificial. These moments can often trigger panic attacks, the type that have me screaming and crying into a pillow. It's a terrifying feeling, as if I've fallen into a black hole.
Despite this I'm still not sure whether I can call myself an episodic dp sufferer or not. This is mainly due to the fact I haven't experienced anything that I've read as the causes. For example, I've never touched drugs, never even been drunk, never experienced any kind of trauma, I don't suffer from anxiety or depression, in fact I'm incredibly laid back.
Sometimes I even think that I could just be making myself feel these things and triggering the panic attacks myself. Yet that horribly wierd feeling will still come back eventually. Usually I spend so long contemplating why I'm feeling these things that they start all over again and I'm just stuck in this viciouse cycle.
That being said the only other cause I can think if is just that I'm a very deep thinker. Whenever I have a moment to myself I will usually find myself questioning all those complicated concepts such as existence and time. I love philosophy and theology. Could this actually be triggering dp?
I experience these moments at random intervals and they can range from a couple of seconds to a couple of days.They also range in potency. As far as I can tell I've been having them since I was young.

I know this is a lot or writing but I would love to have some feed back or to know if anyone else experiences it like I do. But most of all I'd really appreciate some confirmation, that what I'm feeling really is dp/Dr. It feels like it is, but I don't know if I can trust myself.


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## Chicane

For me it's a permanent floaty/off-balance/detached sensation. My legs constantly feel like rubber, my ability to exercise or walk long distances has been compromised, and I am always tired, even when I first wake up. My physical strength and things like grip strength are greatly reduced. I feel unable to absorb pleasure/nature, and instead just seem to emanate occasional panic or else general low-grade anxiety throughout the day. I have sporadic panic attacks, wake up occasionally feeling really scared and hopeless. I have nonsensical lucid thoughts and dreams when just about to fall asleep, and just after I wake up. My head feels heavy, I zone out/stare into space all the time. My short term memory and concentration are very bad. I remember certain things, but only in a fragmented sort of way, and I'll get events/convos/days mixed up. Typing coherently is more difficult. The days are a blur, and I have trouble piecing them together. I am sensitive to light and sound. I have intrusive thought flare-ups (as part of OCD) and feel terrified I will act on my intrusive thoughts, which further fuels my anxiety. I have difficulty going out places without feeling panicky, or even just watching TV because my mind will wander and obsess. I feel inconsolable and need company a lot lately, because I often feel scared that something really bad is about to happen or that I just won't make it through the day somehow. Everything I see seems to make me feel sad, lonely, or sick to my stomach, so my appetite is down. I tend to be really repetitive or ritualized in my behaviors, which I think may be some sort of coping mechanism.


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## IAmNobody

For me is not living, but just existing, which scares the s%#it out of me. It's like a paradox - I want to live, but I don't.

It's something that drifts me away from the happiness and joy that I used to feel. Now it's just sadness and dullness.. I feel like I am wasting my precious time on this earth in suffering.  I am not feeling the connection with others the way I used to feel it. I am alone in my lonely world.. I used to be outgoing, bubbly and happy, always starting the conversation with others, always being the soul of the party, adventurous but now I am nothing like myself.. I am always looking down when I walk and crazy questioning weird stuff like "Why do I have legs, why was I born me and not somebody else, why is the life the way it is, why we age, what is time and space" ... It's driving me crazy, I even stopped going to University because of this, left my job and sit in my pajamas almost all day! Even became suicidal which is nothing like me..

God, what can depression and DP can do to you..

I hope every single one of us is getting better and living the life we deserve.


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## Aspire

Chicane said:


> For me it's a permanent floaty/off-balance/detached sensation. My legs constantly feel like rubber, my ability to exercise or walk long distances has been compromised, and I am always tired, even when I first wake up. My physical strength and things like grip strength are greatly reduced. I feel unable to absorb pleasure/nature, and instead just seem to emanate occasional panic or else general low-grade anxiety throughout the day. I have sporadic panic attacks, wake up occasionally feeling really scared and hopeless. I have nonsensical lucid thoughts and dreams when just about to fall asleep, and just after I wake up. My head feels heavy, I zone out/stare into space all the time. My short term memory and concentration are very bad. I remember certain things, but only in a fragmented sort of way, and I'll get events/convos/days mixed up. Typing coherently is more difficult. The days are a blur, and I have trouble piecing them together. I am sensitive to light and sound. I have intrusive thought flare-ups (as part of OCD) and feel terrified I will act on my intrusive thoughts, which further fuels my anxiety. I have difficulty going out places without feeling panicky, or even just watching TV because my mind will wander and obsess. I feel inconsolable and need company a lot lately, because I often feel scared that something really bad is about to happen or that I just won't make it through the day somehow. Everything I see seems to make me feel sad, lonely, or sick to my stomach, so my appetite is down. I tend to be really repetitive or ritualized in my behaviors, which I think may be some sort of coping mechanism.


It's like I typed this message.

This is in every word 100% me...

Off-balance, dreamy, staring, tired,... I can assure you it gets better. In 2012 when it hit me I couldn't even read a book, follow conversations etc. Now i'm well focused, still tired sometimes but confident and enjoying life. Not like before but different... without a lot of emotions...


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## captchah

Like being at the bottom of the Mariana trench.


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## dreamedm

eter said:


> Interesting to read. I can not add much I think. Perhaps that I am very sensible, and the problem for me when being with other people, or in places with much to see, smell...it is like I experience everything, completely, and at once. I can not explain better, I have no words for it. But it is more like I am everything, then I am nothing. So intense. And intinmate in a way I can not hold.


That's exactly what I feel, all the time. Everything around me, like it's all oppressing me and my senses are flooded with external stimuli. It's extremely debilitating. I was told this might either be a manic/hypomanic symptom, or it might simply be DR.


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## Ezio

For me it's exam if i pass it i will have the best life that i wish


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## glorii26

kenc127 said:


> some days its not bothersome, other days its completely maddening. Its got a mind of its own. It does seem to get better when I'm focused on other tasks though.


same here, like some days i'll barely think about it, other days it'll be all i think about.


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## CoffeeGirl9

Having to guess if you are alive every second rather then just living and breathing. Actually thinking about being.


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## foggypark

Is it just extremities of isolation and self depreciation


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## Hopeplz2015

My feeling of Dp and Dr. Feel like i dont know who i am wven the memories dont feel real. When i look in the mirror i see me but it doesnt feel like me. Feel out of my body almost dream like. Whats real? Almost like i could just forget everything like as if i have dementia. But i still remeber everything. Some days are better then others. I just keep yelling myself this isnt going to hurt me, i know im real, the world is real. I use grounding techniques as well. A rubber band to snap on my wrist yep felt that, splash cold water on my face yep i feel that, listen to my hb i know im alive and not dreaming. But its as if im in a trance or auto pilot sometimes. My best advice is challenge your feelings and thoughts. Challenge your fears if you've aquired any. Tell yourself daily this isnt real, and be productive, dont think about it. If your religious praying helps, also exercise cause you feel the burning in your muscles and lungs, mindfulness, yoga, breathing concentrate on your breathing from you diaphram. Nice relaxing breaths. Also, i tried hypnosis which helped a little. Any other questions just message me. It will get better. Stay positive and your mind is a powerful organ,dwelling and fearful thoughts make it worse. Think of pleasant memories, thoughts ect... your not alone and your not crazy


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## ChristinaNicole

I'm an 18 year old female and I just started getting depersonalization symptoms last week. I'm not sure what caused this but I literally feel like I'm dying, like my body is shutting down added on with the feeling of not being connected with reality, like I'm dreaming. About three weeks ago, I took medications for vertigo and acid reflux (can be caused from anxiety). At this point, I have a REALLY strong feeling that I'm going to die soon. I try to my best to ignore it but it keeps coming back everyday. It's worse when I'm alone but not as bad as when I'm around people. I know that I'm going to die one day but now it's seems like "omg, it's really happening" it's really hard to explain. Is this a sign of depersonalization or something else?


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## ChristinaNicole

This is a really terrible experience for me becaue it happened out of nowhere. I constantly feel like I'm dying. Can anyone relate?


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## Feddytaley

ChristinaNicole said:


> This is a really terrible experience for me becaue it happened out of nowhere. I constantly feel like I'm dying. Can anyone relate?


I made an account just to say that this happened to me as well. Exactly what you're describing. It's terrible, and makes "being" difficult. I am so sorry you're going through this.

Good news is I haven't felt like that in years. And speaking for myself, I know exactly what fixed it.

Klonopin. I was prescribed some low dose of Klonopin and within a few days the episodes were completely gone. I stayed on the Klonopin until my brain stopped auto-piloting to panicville, which was 3-4 months I think.

Ugh. I remember how isolating that felt. I'm sorry.


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## Taylor Liddle

Hi im Taylor age 16 from UK I was out with my freinds and i smoked WEED out of a bong my mates was doing it and they said try it so i was what the hell and did it and then i started to loose track of what people was saying and like i was blacking out or dieing then i was started flipping out everthing was spinning then i started having a panic attack im sure when it was happening i thought i was going insanse or dieing and went into after life haha anyway after that i calmed down it was a little better but i notiiced that people look weird and kind of flat and i looked at my hands and i was sure i died i felt i was not controling my speach and evrthing sounded weird so i told my mates that somthing was wrong and they said its normal so i was like im never doing this again so i kind of went with the flow and tryed to have fun and after 6 hours it went away but about a week after i had a panic attack and all these feeling came back and i was thinking somthing it really wrong that this is not meant to happen and it being 5 mounths with thease feelings i just feel that im adding more bad things by the day i dont reconise my family they look weird like on the night i smoked the bong i feel out of control like i dont exsist i also feel like im not me when i speak it does not sound like me it does not even feel like im talking a feel numb when i touch my skin i had no emotion and my thoughts feel like they are coming from somwhere else and the worst thing is i have bad memory like short term memory loss and other memories feel distant so becuse im so scared like evry one else on this website was or is i started researching about this and i came accros a thing call dissocative identy dissorder and im not sure if this is what i have i need help please how can anbody live a normal life pleaseee helppppp


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## STH

My main issue is ongoing detachment, withdrawal, derealisation, and disassociation.

The only real problem is that this disassociation emotional numbness and social apathy manifests itself as social anxiety (full-blown). That's the worst thing- because depersonalisation has an effect on 'the self' it means it's difficult to be 'yourself' in social situations, which makes them very difficult to deal with and leads to excessive rumination. For example, I wish I could get up and be myself, and I do have a gregarious personality but it's just hard to get it out. It's a sort of shyness, but more withdrawn than shy. I can live with it, but if there's some way to overcome this in a positive way I'd love some advice. DD


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## immenseknuckle

I was diagnosed by psych as having social anxiety with dissociation, so I don't know if it's DPDR or not and I also do not notice the SA most of the time, then suddenly I noticed it. Psych must have just picked up on it because we didn't talk about it. They were screening me for schizophrenia at the time (don't have that).

For me, I would say it is the sensation that I died a long time ago, I'm not sure when, and that my body continues to exist. Like maybe it was my "soul" that died, although I'm not religious. So I see everything from a kind of third person perspective and I feel that everything is irrelevant to me. I don't feel that "I" exist anymore, because I'm dead.

I'd say I don't find it too troublesome, but life is boring when you're dead.


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## Surfer Rosa

Update: it's now like having a creeping suspicion these events aren't actually happening. My rationalization is of the mystical/extraterrestrial nature, but I know that my "theories" are unfounded bullshit.

Hopefully the psychs can help me get my brain in working order, otherwise I won't be fit for driving, nor for a mechanical job. What I mean here is that I feel hazy and drunk on top of feeling unreal.

Who wants to feel the warmth of love, or the energizing burn of outrage? Who wants to have a good experience, like watching a butterfly bush, and to actually feel that joy in the first-person?


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## Dp123

For me it's that there's like a disconnect between me and the world, almost like I'm looking at the world but I'm not part of it. The world doesn't look quite right either (this gets worse in well lit or busy environments when the amount of information needing to be processed increases) I can only guess that there's something wrong in the part of the brain that processes incoming information.

I can be talking to a person or in an environment and it's like I'm watching what's going on rather than actually being there and experiencing it. Unfortunately while it's going on it's also a 24/7 thing so I don't get any relief from it.

I had this once before and although it took a couple of years I did completely recover from it and was fine for about 10 years. Was set of about a month ago by having a CT scan. I know it sounds hard to believe but since I'm not normally an anxious person and the only times I've had this have been after a CT scan I can only figure that somehow I'm strangely vulnerable to large amounts of radiation going into the brain.

I'm wondering if I might even have some kind of radiation induced brain malfunction rather than dr.

Anyone else experienced this from a CT scan??


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## what-ser-name

When it has the strongest hold of me, I feel like I am in a coma and I think the only way out is to kill myself. Then maybe I could wake up from this goddamn fucking nightmare.

The worst and hardest part for me is trying to accept this as my new reality. That's what my therapist suggested. But I yearn for the times in my childhood before I became aware of it's presence in my life. I don't know what it is to feel normal anymore.

I hate it so much. And there is no way out.


----------



## Ezio

Living with low sensitivities


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## tequila sunrise

Having DPD actually makes me feel safe. Let me rephrase that again. One symptom of this disorder is knowing what you are experiencing is not real. If you are not aware, it may be a more severe disorder. I am glad that it is dpd. But i hope i recover one day. I miss feeling. I miss feeling alive. I miss feeling my feelings. I don't even remember having them in the first place.


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## Disruption

Janinebaker said:


> Imagine that you're looking at a familiar room with familiar people. One day you realize that there is something "fuzzy" about the boundaries/outlines of everything you see.
> 
> Soon you begin to see the movie projectors above the ceiling. You see rays of colored lights being beamed to every object in the room. You follow the trails.
> 
> Soon you get it.
> 
> Every single thing that you have ever seen is nothing but a projection of light. A virtual reality. A lie.
> 
> Smoke.
> 
> Mirrors.
> 
> Dust in rays of light that form images.
> 
> As you walk towards the objects, people and existence that you had believed all your life, they start to vanish. You realize they were nothing but ghost images ("wisps" as Dreamer says).
> 
> Then you realize the big one.
> 
> You are nothing either.
> 
> But vague dusty light rays. And as you think of that, you begin to fade.
> 
> The only way to NOT fade (you believe) is to not "know" this anymore.
> 
> So you spend the rest of your days trying to NOT know. to NOT think. Trying to not let yourself disappear into utter oblivion.
> 
> See, not only is your BODY an illusion, your Self is an illusion. There is no core. Whatever you once thought of when you said your own name is gone. There is no one in there. And never was.
> 
> Then you realize that even oblivion is a facade.
> 
> Nothing. Is.
> 
> And you spend the rest of your days in silent abject horror.
> 
> THAT, my dear, is Depersonalization. At its deepest.
> 
> And I lived with it for years. It is not insanity and it is not "truth"
> 
> But nobody IN that state can believe it isn't.
> It is a hideous fantasy of self-annihilation.
> 
> Peace,
> Janine
> 
> p.s. now don't keep re-reading this description in hopes of "grasping" it, etc. It will just give you more "Jeeeeheebies". There is no way to MASTER a fantasy of annihilation. Elsewhere. Other. Stop walking INTO the smoke.


very nice description for such a bad thing...you got it..i know exactly what youre talking about..unfortunately

...im glad that im almost out of the fog...


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## knives

For me, i feel like im always dreaming. i have to pinch myself multiple times just to remind myself i can feel pain. i feel like im watching myself through a third person view. everything is always too bright and noises are too loud. i feel like i dont know where i am or who my family is. i feel like i am a robot, just doing what im supposed to do. i stare off into space a lot. when i close my eyes i can still see flashing lights. im always cold and dizzy.


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## Disruption

im also dizzy and nauseous...thats so annoying..


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## Antoine808

This song perfectly describe it for me,

I feel sorry for my self everytime I open my eyes..


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## shannie84

Hi everyone just reading all these post is making my depersonalization way worse and anxiety. When I was 13 I had on and off episodes and I thought it was my asthma not letting me get enough oxygen to my brain and boy was I wrong. One day I woke up and I had that spell again here I am at 32 years old and it has never left me, not even a second! Im trying to explain it to my family and friends and they are looking at me like I'm insane and they don't understand so I'm scared out of my mind went to countless doctors until one of them diagnosed me with this illness.... so on and off mental medication switching like crazy and here I am 32 and still feel like death and still scared out of my mind. This is the most terrible torture in the world... does anyone have an idea of what medication worked best for them? I'm exhausted numb and my memory and brain is cloudy my own voice and family's voice is so foreign to me like I'm on a drug or something. Vision just my brain is truly fucked please help me


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## Disruption

did you try valerian, lavender, passion flower, kratom, hops, cbd, ashwagandha, catnip, 5htp or melatonine already?


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## hurley78

For me it feels as though I am in a waking dream, like I know that I am awake but everyone and everything around me has a dream like quality to it. I can look at people that I know and somehow feel as though I have never seen them before and this is the first time I am seeing them. If I look at myself in the mirror I know that it is me but I wonder why am I me and is that really what I look like. Sometimes my own voice will sound strange to me like I don't recognize it. Colors often seem to vivid and sounds to loud and clear. Everything becomes visually sharper like my vision is hyper sensitive. All in all it feels like I am high and not quite myself. I have gone through the thoughts of "am I real? Is the world real? are we all just ants in a science experiment? Is this world like the Truman show and I am the only that doesn't know what is going on?

Having said that there are a lot of symptoms that I don't experience like the world looking like a picture, things being 2D, objects appearing larger or smaller. I think everyone's experience is subjective and we all have different levels of severity. There are times when I am immersed in tasks like watching a good movie, reading a good book, etc where I am not thinking about DR and I feel totally normal. However if I think about it then I am right back in the middle of it. I can bring on the sensations at will.


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## Scaredandalone

Does anyone use this site Anymore I am self diagnosed with dp and was wondering a few things


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## Scaredandalone

I feel like I might suffer from dp but not sure let me introduce my self I am a 27 year old male about 250 weight I have been suffering from what seems to be anxiety and the feeling of not being real I have a host of phyiscal symptoms like chest feels weird acid reflux all the time weather I eat or drink or don't I feel like I'm Ampt up all the time I had a panic attack back in October of last year before that one I had had little ones that I didn't know what they was until I had the massive one it took my feelings back to when I had one when I was 18 and smoked pot for the second time and had a panic attack while high the next weekend I smoked a little bit again had a small one that lasted maybe 10 mins I walked it off but again I didn't know they was panic attack but since then I havnt smoked pot at all that was almost 10 years ago but back in October I I had the biggest one I have ever had and ever since then I've been had an Ampt up feeling and feeling like everything is fake I do have breaks I guess when I'm watching a movie and I am relaxed but when I start to think about it again it's right back to hell


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## microspect

> I am self-diagnosed with DP, though sometimes I still think I may just be plain 'ol wacko. I thought maybe a thread where people try to describe what DP/DR is like for them would be helpful for people like me. The ones who aren't sure what's wrong with them. Might make for good reference material if nothing else.
> 
> So, maybe just a brief description of the experience for you - what are the sensations, are they periodic or constant, that kind of thing. Thank you in advance for your thoughts..........


The moment I open my eyes in the morning I feel the detachment. The confusion, the surrealism, yet i know where i am. Every second of my life, I feel lost, detached, confuse, and this mental fogginess. My concentrations fails at times, and I obsess over thoughts of why i feel the way i do. I go trough the days motions like an automated robot with no soul. Yet i do noticed life, yet i sense something is not right. 

 It feels like I am losing my mind. I become depressed, lack motivation, and numb. 

This is what I feel


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## strangerhere

Some days, I'll be like - hey, I'm normal today. Other days, I'm sitting with a group of friends in a complete daze, surrounded by noise. Someone will say, Are you alright? I walk home and my surroundings seem like a pretty picture. At times I'll lose my way. I used to be a spiritual person, but I question whether I exist. It is difficult to explain.

Some days, I'll stand in the middle of the room in fear as my body just doesn't feel right. It feels as thought it's behind me.


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## sumatchi

easiest way to describe it, is feeling on autopilot. my mind constantly just thinks and thinks while my body acts. I don't end up caring about things that happen because i know they're just in the past. My emotions are incredibly dull. People's family die and I don't even know what to say. To them it seems like I don't care, to me, I just understand that's part of life and I shouldn't waste my time thinking about it. I constantly look for outlets of what I can do to try to act like i at least feel. I feel like i'm running out of options to try every day and that i'll never escape. I feel like my soul mate may have even passed me by because my consciousness doesn't even feel like it's in my own body. I feel like everything is misalligned. like I did something when i was younger and forever kicked myself off my path


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## Disruption

sumatchi said:


> easiest way to describe it, is feeling on autopilot. my mind constantly just thinks and thinks while my body acts. I don't end up caring about things that happen because i know they're just in the past. My emotions are incredibly dull. People's family die and I don't even know what to say. To them it seems like I don't care, to me, I just understand that's part of life and I shouldn't waste my time thinking about it. I constantly look for outlets of what I can do to try to act like i at least feel. I feel like i'm running out of options to try every day and that i'll never escape. I feel like my soul mate may have even passed me by because my consciousness doesn't even feel like it's in my own body. I feel like everything is misalligned. like I did something when i was younger and forever kicked myself off my path


ya i bet thats where the term ''curse'' came from in the middle ages...whereas these days we call it dp/dr....


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## Guest

I feel floaty a lot of the time.

I feel like a different person than before. When I see pictures of me, it's like it's of someone else.

It's like I'm half asleep and confused all the time about everything.

Sometimes I have mini freak-outs throughout the day when I have a realization that I exist or that everything around me actually does exist.

I also feel tired and worn out.


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## microspect

Like the constant feeling you're going crazy, and that your about to loose it, but you don't!

I feel like Sisyphus.


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## Guest

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.


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## just_liviu85

university girl said:


> my dp/dr:
> 
> I believe I have a more dr-like experience...
> 
> I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unreality. I often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.
> 
> uni-girl





university girl said:


> my dp/dr:
> 
> I believe I have a more dr-like experience...
> 
> I definately have perceptual and auditory integration problems. What I mean by this is often the environment seems distorted in some way, 2D-like visually. As for the auditory part, I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unrealit I y.often feel extremely overstimulated/dissoriented in busy places. It's like it takes me a long time to figure out what's going on. Before taking Paxil I would have definate time lapses. I feel very much like I am high on marijuana (still)... Then there's the more physical stuff I suffer from...such as this sensation of a lack of blood flowing to my head, feeling like my eyes are going to pop out of my head or like someone has stuffed cotton balls behind and in between my eyes, peculiar muscle spasms all along the base of my skull accompanied by sounds of bones shifting, etc.... Oh and how could I forget, I suffer from "broken record syndrome" (forget who on this site called it this so sorry I can't reference you)... ANYONE ELSE WITH SIMILAR PHYSICAL PROBS please CONTACT ME.........still looking for answers....or relief.
> 
> uni-girl


Hello i have problem with auditory , I have problems separating sounds, especially voices from background noise. Also, I feel like I am living in a dream- in unrealit please how can i speak to you ? is very complex problem !!!!


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## Hopefulchica

Hi my name is Sierra. I don't really know who to talk to. I have been suffering as well with derealization for the past month in a half. It started one day at work after pulling an all nighter with a combo of coming off off Prozac and from smoking too much pot I guess. The next day at work, I had turned suddenly and then everything that use to seem familiar, seemed very strange to me. Co workers I had know for months looked scary to me, almost like aliens (don't know what other word I could use to describe it). I went home very soon afterwards, didn't stress to much about it because I figured I was just sleep deprived or exhausted because I was working a double. The next day, I didn't feel any better. It was like I was seeing the world different for the very first time. In the past month in a half. I feel as though I am simply going through the motions of life, and not living them anymore. What bothers me the most is the way the world seems to me now. Peoples faces still frighten me, and buildings as well as being outside too long, or going into a simple grocery store. When I walk into a new room I feel instantly horrible. I am able to control my actions obvious and prevail through working still, but it is the most awful experience I have ever felt in my whole life. I just want this to go away and I feel like it's never going to.


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## hurley78

Sorry to hear about your struggles Hopefulchica....Hopefully your symptoms don't persist to much longer....welcome to the forum!


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## Hopefulchica

hurley78 said:


> Sorry to hear about your struggles Hopefulchica....Hopefully your symptoms don't persist to much longer....welcome to the forum!


Thank you so much! And when do these symptoms go away?


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## Pondererer

It's already over. I have died in some kind of accident. I'm just walking around in a haze looking at everything at how it once was, knowing it will never be the same. I am not fully dead yet, but I sure am not alive either. It's like a pentagory i'm stuck in, before i "enter the light" or whatever. Stuck because i'm unable to move forward. I'm just lurking around looking for some kind of closure, compassion from someone else, a last goodbye and reassurance. I have many times, litterally walked around, whether it be night time or day, all by myself just looking at things, places and people. Just observing everything and wishing i could go back to life, but i can't, i'm a lost cause already. There's a constant scream inside my head, a desperation so deep words can't describe it, even an intense scream couldn't express it. if only i could "reach out" to the real world, but no one can hear me, no one can see me. When i go to school or whatever, and someone rezognize and talks to me, i am often surprised that they actually do se me. I'm thinking "don't you know i'm not real, i'm not part of this world anymore, you have to go continue your own life, it's too late for me".

This feeling is so intense, and lasts for so long without pauses, it litterally makes you forget who you are, what you are, what you are doing. a day, a month, a year, i can't tell the difference. It's just a number we make up in our head. Time is a concept that makes no sense. One moment something is, the next it's like it never even happened at all. It's just something you made up in your head. I have no idea what is my DP talking and what is real life. Even if someone knew what was going on, and sat down with me and told me it's ok, it's only DP, i would have absolutely no idea what was true and not. A big part of me would have thought i was making this person up on the spot. Everything is just one big grey mess.

Even when i force myself to participate in something, exercise, socializing or whatever it might be, it's always that same element to it. Even if things are going good, great even! At the end of the day the bigger part of me says, yeah you tried really hard and did a good job, created a worthy memory, but you know this is all just a temporary fairytale, and now it's time to let it go! So every day i have basically two choices: the days are either be "lazy" and do nothing, drowning in your own sorrows, OR, do something, spend all of your energy plus some more, and actually achieve something that day, only to find out it's all for nothing. It was just an imaginary temporary moment that is now long lost. which leaves me rendered, confused and super depressed.

All this, just an average day in the bad periods i have had in the past.


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## elireddy

I have a hard time accessing my feelings. It's like I'm unable to feel the way I think I should. Sometimes I feel as though I build walls around myself so that no pain can get to me but honestly it's almost like I am hurting myself even more but I don't know how to stop building these walls.

Take care,

Eli


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## hurley78

Hopefulchica said:


> Thank you so much! And when do these symptoms go away?


Sadly I don't have an answer for that because it is different for everyone and everyone may have this as a result of a different trigger point.


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## Hero

It feels like I can't see anything at all and all I can see is black. My mind can't accept that I can really see anything around me. I'm just stuck in a huge black space, totally alone. I also feel that I don't exist and everything is just black. Whenever I do something, it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything. Sometimes I get that feeling that my eyes are coming out of their places. It's one of the worst feelings ever. I also feel that I'm stuck inside my body and want to tear it up and get out.

I can experience emotions very well though and I believe I have never felt numb before. They are mostly negative emotions though because that's the person I am. I also daydream all the time and I can picture the scenes moving in my mind very well. I always wonder how that happens though and I sometimes find myself unable to do this ability. It's just so strange that I think all the time while I don't even believe that I exist.
My favorite thing in this world is Music and I can feel it well and enjoy it but when I think about it, it doesn't feel real at all.

I just wonder how did I end up inside myself out of all people in the world. Why am I not someone else? I feel that if I were more lucky, I would have been God.

For so many years, I have never felt that I, or anything around me is real. Not even for a single moment.
I think I don't even care anymore. There are other things in my life that are worse. That's if there's anything as "my life".


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## JohnRg470

In short, it's been a living hell for 20 years for me...

Good to find a place with other people who understand it...


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## TheCourier

Dp is what death feels like, I think. It's like drifting in and out of sleep but while I'm awake. I feel so far away, as if I'm not real, as if this world isn't real and that I am not human. I can barely handle it half of the time. Dp makes me wish that I'd never been born.


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## emptyglass

Makes me feel like things are not in the right place. I'm only observing my body move, maybe somewhat like what I want it to move like, but it never feels like I'm actually moving it.

I have no interests, in anything. Not because I don't want to, but because, I do that interest so vacuously, ephemerally, fleetingly, that it has no effect on me. Maybe I can watch a movie, but I have no opinions about the characters, no opinion about the story.

I literally just copy what appears to be the most logical opinion.

I have no friends. I have (I think) lost confidence in myself because the me that I show cannot at any point in time be possibly me. It feels like I'm fake.

I have offended so many people because of my empty thoughts, that I misunderstood them. I can't think critically for a long period.

Honestly, to others, I might appear wacky and zany, but I am not. Being in a near constant state of depersonalization inhibits my cognitive habits. I do not know how to act normal.

Even as a child, I cannot accept that I am really me. No I didn't do that. No I didn't offend you, but my body somehow is doing it without my permission.

I cannot come into acceptance regarding my state of self consciousness without finding flaws in every characterization of me. Am I even me? My entire life feels like a passive observation.

What I'm saying right now is dry and empty right? Actually, this is how the me I perceive is real writes. All other me's write like an idiot without any kind of self awareness. Regurgitating opinions.

Honestly, it feels like I was just watching a bunch of movies, for a long. Only now did I realize that there's actually a real world.


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## CoffeeGirl9

TheCourier said:


> Dp is what death feels like, I think. It's like drifting in and out of sleep but while I'm awake. I feel so far away, as if I'm not real, as if this world isn't real and that I am not human. I can barely handle it half of the time. Dp makes me wish that I'd never been born.


Couldn't agree more. Wish I would of never been born. I am no longer a human soul.


----------



## Pondererer

emptyglass said:


> Even as a child, I cannot accept that I am really me. No I didn't do that. No I didn't offend you, but my body somehow is doing it without my permission.
> 
> Honestly, it feels like I was just watching a bunch of movies, for a long. Only now did I realize that there's actually a real world.


These 2 things combined has had me going through gut wrenching realizations/regrets. Like i can't take anything seriously, because it's all fake right?..


----------



## Disruption

TheCourier said:


> Dp is what death feels like, I think. It's like drifting in and out of sleep but while I'm awake. I feel so far away, as if I'm not real, as if this world isn't real and that I am not human. I can barely handle it half of the time. Dp makes me wish that I'd never been born.





CoffeeGirl9 said:


> Couldn't agree more. Wish I would of never been born. I am no longer a human soul.


(death doesnt exist its just what humanity calls it to be no longer ''existent'') ''death'' is pure relief and enlightment...pure love...dp/dr is actually the opposite..a false perception of reality that leads one to many dead ends and wrong conclusions...i still have these episodes where i think this way..but i know its not true..its just easier to judge like this if you feel this way..


----------



## elireddy

SoulBrotha said:


> i have a question
> 
> what is it when, you just feel spaced out, have visual distortions, things seem strange & occasional obsessional thoughts?


I feel like it is all those things. Do you mean visual distortions like things seem far away?


----------



## ro_hill2

Hi everyone,

A while ago I experienced feelings of depersonalisation and it very much freaked me out/scared me, mainly because I read blogs like this that did little to reassure me.

Therefore, I am writing to tell everyone who reads this in a state of panic that it is OK, and it is nothing more than anxiety displaying itself physically.

My symptoms felt like I was a bit dizzy, couldn't really focus on anything, and I felt out of my body, like sounds weren't real and I just felt a bit 'out of it'.

The one thing that makes this worse, is focussing on how you feel. The only way to get it to go away is to distract yourself, and to not worry.

The chances are if you feel like this, you are suffering from underlying stress, panic attacks, anxiety. For me, it was GAD (generalised anxiety disorder), which doctors didn't understand how to diagnose.

PLEASE don't think you are "mental", "going insane", going to be locked up in an institute. These symptoms are normal and just the body displaying it's 'fight or flight' response.

The things I found that helped were:

-Exercise - I can't stress this enough how important it is. For me, it is the one thing that guarantees to take me out of my head and not focus on how I am feeling or anything else at all. It has also been scientifically proven to help with anxiety, depression, and for me is the best natural reliever and prevents you from taking medication. It is really effective. and free! I would recommend running, swimming, but in particular a team sport such as football, netball, hockey etc.

-No Drugs/Alcohol. I will only drink alcohol when i'm feeling ok. These are two of the worst things for depersonalisation, and I recommend to steer clear until you are feeling better. I particularly found my symptoms worse the day after drinking.

-Jigsaw puzzles - a great way to take your mind off how you feel

-Building/construction - for me it was adult lego! I felt like a bit of a kid but similar to the jigsaws it takes my mind off things.

-Painting/drawing

-Walking

-Meditation (present moment focus - this doesn't have to include chanting/a religious focus)

- Calling someone - the worst thing you can do is go through this on your own. Just have a chat to a friend/family member, and try not to mention how you are feeling, sometimes the distraction and not focussing on your own symptoms can help.

-Do something you know you enjoy and have put off

-Music - if you're feeling down put something upbeat on you can sing along too. If you're anxious or worried put some chilled music on. Have a dance too!

-Force yourself to smile

-TV - can help but don't overuse this. put on a comedy show for 30 minutes.

-Think about something completely different - ie. what will I wear tomorrow, what are my plans for this weekend

-Vitamin D - being in the sunshine is always good for your body and a great way to relax

Finally - it is ok to feel like this! I use the technique of 'labelling'. When i'm having a spell of feeling out of it I just say to myself "OK, I'm feeling out of it, but that's alright because it's just anxiety, and this is normal'.

The key is distraction, and not to do things that won't help you. Don't focus on how you're feeling, just tell yourself it's ok and carry on with your day.

I hope this has been a help to at least one person


----------



## Lovelybonesxo

I've self diagnosed, but for me this has been going on off and on for years, however recently it has become way way more often. It's scariest when driving. The trees, cars, signs, etc suddenly look flat? Like they have no dimension. And the colors seem more vibrant or dull, I haven't figured out why that varies yet. the steering wheel will feel different than usual, like its the first time I've noticed the way it feels or something. And sometimes I have this weird sense of calm. I'm typically a very high stress driver and constantly cautious of what every one else is doing but this feeling makes me just drive... But it's like auto pilot. Not actually thinking about what I'm doing just going. It's overwhelming to think about even. Aside from driving, weird things happen. My voice doesn't feel sound like my voice anymore sometimes. It feels like I'm watching a movie instead of actively living. The worse is the dream feeling, where I realize it's just a feeling then get sucked back into the dream like state. Can anyone else relate?


----------



## leothelion

ro_hill2 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> A while ago I experienced feelings of depersonalisation and it very much freaked me out/scared me, mainly because I read blogs like this that did little to reassure me.
> 
> Therefore, I am writing to tell everyone who reads this in a state of panic that it is OK, and it is nothing more than anxiety displaying itself physically.
> 
> My symptoms felt like I was a bit dizzy, couldn't really focus on anything, and I felt out of my body, like sounds weren't real and I just felt a bit 'out of it'.
> 
> The one thing that makes this worse, is focussing on how you feel. The only way to get it to go away is to distract yourself, and to not worry.
> 
> The chances are if you feel like this, you are suffering from underlying stress, panic attacks, anxiety. For me, it was GAD (generalised anxiety disorder), which doctors didn't understand how to diagnose.
> 
> PLEASE don't think you are "mental", "going insane", going to be locked up in an institute. These symptoms are normal and just the body displaying it's 'fight or flight' response.
> 
> The things I found that helped were:
> -Exercise - I can't stress this enough how important it is. For me, it is the one thing that guarantees to take me out of my head and not focus on how I am feeling or anything else at all. It has also been scientifically proven to help with anxiety, depression, and for me is the best natural reliever and prevents you from taking medication. It is really effective. and free! I would recommend running, swimming, but in particular a team sport such as football, netball, hockey etc.
> 
> -No Drugs/Alcohol. I will only drink alcohol when i'm feeling ok. These are two of the worst things for depersonalisation, and I recommend to steer clear until you are feeling better. I particularly found my symptoms worse the day after drinking.
> 
> -Jigsaw puzzles - a great way to take your mind off how you feel
> 
> -Building/construction - for me it was adult lego! I felt like a bit of a kid but similar to the jigsaws it takes my mind off things.
> 
> -Painting/drawing
> 
> -Walking
> 
> -Meditation (present moment focus - this doesn't have to include chanting/a religious focus)
> 
> - Calling someone - the worst thing you can do is go through this on your own. Just have a chat to a friend/family member, and try not to mention how you are feeling, sometimes the distraction and not focussing on your own symptoms can help.
> 
> -Do something you know you enjoy and have put off
> 
> -Music - if you're feeling down put something upbeat on you can sing along too. If you're anxious or worried put some chilled music on. Have a dance too!
> 
> -Force yourself to smile
> 
> -TV - can help but don't overuse this. put on a comedy show for 30 minutes.
> 
> -Think about something completely different - ie. what will I wear tomorrow, what are my plans for this weekend
> 
> -Vitamin D - being in the sunshine is always good for your body and a great way to relax
> 
> Finally - it is ok to feel like this! I use the technique of 'labelling'. When i'm having a spell of feeling out of it I just say to myself "OK, I'm feeling out of it, but that's alright because it's just anxiety, and this is normal'.
> 
> The key is distraction, and not to do things that won't help you. Don't focus on how you're feeling, just tell yourself it's ok and carry on with your day.
> 
> I hope this has been a help to at least one person


Absolutely spot on all you say mirrors myself perfectly when im at my worst I just tell myself its dp and carry on as best I can .

My view is ...Dp is anxiety related it's when your brain can't handle the anxiety any longer and goes in to sleep mode I've had it all my life . Things to do are to talk about it as much as possible , don't drink alcohol or smoke dope they are the worst things pissible and most importantly accept it and don't fight it that causes more anxiety and prolongs it , also your NOT !! going mad your brain is just protecting itself from huge amounts of and anxiety by desensitizing itself .


----------



## happydays123

i think i also experience dr more than dp. my perception goes in and out when i focus on some things and it feels as if i am zooming out when i look someone in the eyes while talking to them. i also feel a growing/shrinking sensation when i am trying to go to sleep before i am tired enough. as for phsyical problems the muscles in my legs tense up briefly but consistently when i feel very self aware and am trying to stay still, such as when i am sitting next to someone. my eyes also twitch and i have a few nervous ticks with my eyes/fingers but i think that is just from anxiety and not dr related...


----------



## Jascott9898

Hey guys, I got my self diagnosed DP DR and anxiety from a panic attack after weed in July. I was constantly tired afterward and now that's gone but today stopped my panic attack in its tracks because everything was getting overwhelming. But I guess my question is do my symptoms sounds like DP DR or like Hyperawareness which I feel like could be related to DP or DR, but just nowadays I get really aware of my movements and what I'm doing and like my motions of my body and what I'm doing and it freaks me out and sometimes feel isolated from everybody and thing. I truly believe I am recovering because 2 months ago I wouldn't even go outside but this past week I have been outside with my friends and it makes me feel better but I guess today was just a bad day. But also sometimes when I look at things up close it just doesn't seem normal it just seems weird. But yeah, please reply and feel free to ask questions because I have hope I'll beat this! Sometimes it just doesn't show and I get worried but not as worried anymore because well it's just a tired brain!


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## joe_calderon

Like a bad Acid Trip.


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## smallbean

My DP is constant. I've been depersonalized for almost 9 months and I haven't "snapped out of it" even for one second over those months. Every minute of every day I am painfully aware of my detachment. I have a bunch of symptoms but I feel the need to note that I've also been diagnosed with CPTSD/PTSD (CPTSD from childhood and PTSD from a series of car accidents that caused my DP), so it's hard to say what is caused by the trauma or strictly due to the DP itself.

- Someone else said this, and I'm just quoting it here because I felt it was eloquently put: "One metaphor for one aspect is a transparent, or translucent, barrier between me and the world. I can see through it, and I can remember what life was like on the other side, but I can't penetrate it." - dalailama15

- I often feel like an outsider watching the rest of the world be engaged and present in their lives while I am constantly aware of the fact that I'm unable to embody that type of presence in mine.

- I struggle with time quite a lot. I'm never able to discern how much time has passed, sometimes it passes very quickly and other times it drags on. I also feel like things that happened two or three days ago happened weeks ago.

- Along with issues with time, my memory is pretty bad (not that it was great before DP). I struggle to remember what I did a few days ago as the days seem to blend in to one another (I attribute this to the fact that my mind-state never changes so no matter where I am or what I'm doing everything feels exactly the same).

- I have absolutely no emotions. I don't feel happiness, love, or excitement but I also don't experience anger or sadness or grief. I look at my family, boyfriend and friends and I no longer feel that emotional connection. I am able to cry, but I experience this intellectually. In the past, I would be sad or angry and as a result I would cry. Now, when I'm in therapy and I start crying, I only deduce that I must be sad because there are tears on my cheeks. I feel absolutely no connection to the tears and no relief after I'm done crying. I can feel anxiety/guilt/dread but I attribute this to my next symptom.

- Intrusive/Obsessive thoughts. I often get very fixated on an intrusive thought and can spend an entire day anxious because I'm circling around and around the thought. I believe this happens because I'm extremely detached from my emotions so I have a hard time knowing how I feel about things/people/events and therefore have a hard time trusting myself. This makes me question everything and never really reach a conclusion. My therapist believes these thoughts are a way for my mind to attempt to gain some semblance of control over a situation that is ultimately out of my hands and over my head. Rationalization doesn't work and the only thing I can really do to aid this is distract myself as best as I can.

- Racing heart-rate from time to time. Ever since the onset of my DP, I've noticed my heart rate is much higher than I believe it was beforehand. (Note that I never paid much attention to my heart-rate before DP as I could never feel it or see it thumping in my chest as I can now.)

- Lack of imagination. In the book, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk, he discusses how trauma impacts a survivor's ability to imagine a different future for themselves outside of their currently reality (often in reference to their PTSD). I mention this book because my DP was due to trauma and van der Kolk provided a lot of insight into what I am dealing with/going through. I can no longer daydream. I have absolutely no imagination, and I used to be a very avid daydreamer- when I was driving, when I was spacing out in class, when I would go for walks, etc.

- A complete and total disinterest in life in general. Things don't mean anything to me anymore. The hobbies I used to have no longer bring me pleasure. I have a hard time setting goals or focusing on the future because I just don't care about anything. I have no access to feelings like ambition, determination or drive. When I accomplish tasks, I no longer have a sense of pride about them. I used to be a chronic over-achiever. I graduated college with honors all while working 2 jobs. I was constantly on top of to-do lists and a pretty productive person overall. Now, it's hard for me to see a point in doing anything. Everything feels like it requires so much effort and because I don't get any personal satisfaction from anything, I do much less.

- A complete inability to be fully present, ever. No matter what I'm doing, my mind is always going. I'm constantly trapped in my internal world, worrying about my detachment or anxiety or intrusive thoughts. I often feel like I'm only 50% "there" when I'm talking to someone or completing a task. The other half of me is stuck in this internal dialogue with myself, constantly checking to see if my emotions have come back or thinking of something else to worry about.

- At the beginning of my DP, I had a total loss of my sense of self. I questioned who I was and convinced myself I was a horrible person. I couldn't tell you what I liked or disliked because I no longer had access to the emotions that would guide me to those preferences. I felt like I lost touch with all of my core beliefs and questioned life itself. Which leads me to my next point.

- A completely new look on life and death. I used to be terrified of dying. Before the DP, if you asked me if I had the chance to be immortal if I'd take it, I might have genuinely considered it. I loved being alive. I loved living. I loved life itself. After the DP, I realized there might be something much worse than death... living the rest of my life feeling essentially like a hybrid between a zombie and a robot, emotionally speaking. Most days, I would be completely fine being told I only had x amount of days left to live. I've contemplated suicide many times- more from a curious standpoint than from a place of desperation. I no longer fear death. In fact, I can't imagine many things worse than DP and I can't imagine death as being anything other than a wonderful release from what feels like a living nightmare, a personal hell if you will. To quote something I saw on Twitter once, "I'm not saying I look forward to death, but when she does come for me, do not be surprised if you hear a sigh of relief."

- A loss of appetite, for the most part. This comes in waves but usually I have trouble eating anything until around dinnertime. I used to eat 3 meals a day and snack in between, but ever since the DP I've had appetite issues. At the onset of my DP, I dropped about 10 pounds in two weeks because I couldn't eat any solid food- my anxiety was so high I would get nauseous if I attempted to eat anything.

- Anxiety. I used to think I was an anxious person before the DP and I truly laugh at that thought now. I've spent weeks on end with my stomach in knots and my thoughts racing in circles. I often feel a sense of impending doom, as if something horrible is going to happen at any moment... even when I logically know everything is fine and I am safe. It's gotten to the point where I'm anxious about my anxiety, and I worry about when it will hit me or come back around.

- Sleep problems. In the beginning of my DP, I was having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I used to fall asleep relatively quickly, but since the DP it can take me almost an hour to fall asleep at times. I almost never feel genuinely tired. Even late at night I have to make the decision to lie down and attempt to fall asleep- my body doesn't give me cues like heavy eyes or yawning to let me know I'm tired. I can't nap during the day and the only time I'm able to doze is when I'm in the car, but only for about 10-15 minutes at most. I sleep better now than I did in the beginning, usually around 10 hours a night if I'm lucky, but I wake up anywhere from 4-8 times during the night and through the morning.

- Vivid dreams. I can always remember at least 2 of my dreams in the morning, although usually I remember many more. There have been nights where I've remembered 4 or 5 dreams that I had, and I can remember the dreams days, weeks or months later. I don't usually have nightmares, but I often have unpleasant dreams- about people or things I'd rather not be dreaming about. Like I mentioned, the dreams stay with me which can be anxiety inducing or unsettling at times.

I don't have trouble recognizing myself in the mirror, or looking down at my body parts and feeling as if they belong to someone else. While I feel like I'm in "autopilot mode", I don't feel as if someone else is controlling my speech or actions. I also don't suffer from derealization at all that I know of. Things look, more or less, the same to me as they always have. No 2D surroundings or distortions that I can tell.


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## pckflips

>blanking out when ive been doing anything (blank out randomly while out of the house, studying, walking home, walking from the bus stop, to the bus stop, in the midst of conversation, with friends, watching or reading things[i have to re-watch or re-read it multiple times to actually understand what it is i'm reading, but i love reading so i deal with it], literally anything else) and going on autopilot(giving a reaction but not remembering hearing, seeing, or saying anything)

absolutely terrible memory (thinking ive done something(ie. assignments, something someone told me to do, something i wanted to do, showering, daily things)

heart palpitations (not sure if this is connected to it but i think it is)

not feeling anything at all, feeling very disconnected from my body(such as right now as i type it doesnt look like its my own hands)

not recognising myself(i force myself in an effort to look at myself in the mirror, and when i'm aware of how i dont recognise myself i freak out, but i mostly just feel the alienation from my body but i dont like looking at myself)

not recognising those around me(ive pushed a s/o away out of nowhere, ill physically uncomfortable when i remember i dont recognise anyone)

right before i (non intentional)disconnect emotionally ive noticed that i get blinded almost from blood pressure n hurt/anger and lash out somehow or way

i constantly lose my train of thought when speaking, to combat this ive gotten in the habit of writing down things i want to remember

i first self harmed in 9th grade but i stopped it since it didnt help my overwhelming emotion that would come all at once, since then the most i do is punching but i think it helps me especially since it reminds me my hands are attached to me becuase of the pain

i have a personality thats my "autopilot" but i'm not going to say i have two personalities, maybe just two modes


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## MentalmattersJR

I have been suffering from this for three years now, I don't know how I am still able to function, I just get on with my day.. I never know how I feel or what to say to others when they ask me a question so I make up an answer. It feels like the real you just won't come out. For me the worst is having a blank mind.. I went from having an OCD overthinking mind to the complete opposite. I want to enjoy laying in the bath and laying in comfy sheets, patting my dog with perfect sensations in response to stimuli. I see that dotty stuff in my vision, and I see flashes of objects and light when I look around. The first thing I noticed was my hands, I was like who's hands are these? Woah like who am I? I couldn't ask myself either because my mind was and is still blank. I dont have the classic standing in the mirror for hours sign. I do however convince myself everything is normal to make myself feel better and I also tell myself I have improved since it started, which has got to be right, or else what's the point of having it for so long..I diagnosed myself... my psychiatrist says it's just anxiety. I will try to get diagnosed though, I have hope. I want to try TMS at the clinic I go to. I wonder how I come across to others all the time...

My symptoms 
No feelings
Can't connect with others
People look very lifeless and ugly
Sense of disconnection from society
Blank mind 
Visual disturbances


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## anitas

Sorry your feeling that way I hope everything goes well for you. Did you have these symptoms since the beginning or did they developed later on ?


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## WailOizzani

eddy1886 said:


> My DP often makes me question reality..It often gives me the frightening sense that im not part of reality at all..That i am completely delusional and that the world around me and people around me are all made up by my mind...Even as i am typing this i am questioning is this website even real (my DP has kicked in a little) Kinda scarey to be honest!
> 
> Does this make sense to anyone else?
> 
> Ive had to learn to just ignore these thoughts and tell myself im part of the real world even if DP tries to tell me im not!


Hello I know it sounds weird but i saw your comment back in 2012 and i just wanted to talk to cause i am experiencing this feeling a lot .


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## Connorrrr19

It feels like I'm a alien to myself. I totally resonate with some people on here and their experiences. It feels like am seing myself through the eyes of someone else though I'm not. Days and weeks can go past and I don't even notice. Time doesn't seem to affect me in any way. I feel like a robot constantly with no emotions or feeling. I just can't connect with anything or anybody. Everything feels so unreal. It's all a dream. My eyes look dead when I look in the mirror. My mind says to me that I don't recognize myself and I start to get afraid. Even as I write this reply it feels as if someone else is typing the reply in and am observing my thoughts getting translated onto this as a type. This is the experience for me and it ain't nice. The only feelings I feel are constant anxiety and fear, that's it. Does any one understand?


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## anotherme

When I speak I feel like my voice is coming from somewhere far away. I just don't even feel like I am human. People seems far away. My face goes blank and I stare into space a lot. My mind is constantly busy and I zone out a lot. I get weird physical sensations on top of that. My eyes blur and go out of focus, my hearing is bad, I get tingling in my face and my body feels numb like I am standing outside of it. I am somewhere between being highly sensitive and feeling totally numb all the time. It can be hard to relate to other people because they seem so alive and vibrant where I feel dead inside and disengaged from the world.

I have had these symptoms in some form for almost 12 years now. They were miss diagnosed as PTSD and I am only recently beginning to learn about DP/DR.


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## PainIsTheName

i only have dr but its foggy dettatchment to the point where i cant connect the dots of anything


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## Nomind12

Hi,
I wonder if anyone can relate. My mind is completly blank. I don't have other dp/dr symtoms though. I feel totally alone with this. Can anyone message back.


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## Lexi._.guz

I was diagnosed about 6 months ago now and began medication 5 monthd ago. I have had very small episodes before but around october had a breakdown which caused some severe dp/dr to start that i was in and out of emergency for. I could tell if i was awake or dreaming and nothing felt real. Since medication its gotten better but it still is there constantly


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## Eric_C

Lexi._.guz said:


> I was diagnosed about 6 months ago now and began medication 5 monthd ago. I have had very small episodes before but around october had a breakdown which caused some severe dp/dr to start that i was in and out of emergency for. I could tell if i was awake or dreaming and nothing felt real. Since medication its gotten better but it still is there constantly


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## Eric_C

Hi Lexi._.guz. I was wondering what they had exactly diagnosed you with if you don’t mind me asking. I have been dealing with dp for almost 8 months now I have bounced between doctors and therapists. I was wondering how the medication is helping you. And what is the medication specifically for (as in is it for another condition such as depression and anxiety that may be causing the dp). And I was wondering if you think it would be worthwhile to try and pursue trying to get a medication for dp. As I do struggle with anxiety already. It may be worthwhile trying. It’s just been hard to find someone willing to deal with what I have and give me solid answers.


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## CAlicia

I have a wall up from the world. A wall in my brain that I can't tear down. Sometimes it's thinner, and sometimes impenetrable. The thinner it gets, the more emotions I feel. It's almost like armor.


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## dissoziation

CAlicia said:


> I have a wall up from the world. A wall in my brain that I can't tear down. Sometimes it's thinner, and sometimes impenetrable. The thinner it gets, the more emotions I feel. It's almost like armor.


This is exactly how I feel with having DPDR.


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## Psyborg

like shit


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## bigshowrocky

Like a robot.... I somehow get through everyday but go to bed every night wishing not to wake up. I have had this for 6 years now straight with the odd break here and there. Before that I had it twice and it went within two weeks.... Now I have lost hope of it ever going. I hope we all get better days,


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## vario

I feel like my feelings don't connect.
Everything I sense just feels confusing to me.
I try to talk but it doesn't make sense.
I hate being around people when I'm dissociating because I feel like I have to hide how I feel otherwise they would think I'm stupid or talk to me about it and sometimes that triggers me.

Suddenly I feel like I switched in this reality from another dimension.
Like I had another body, another life, but now I'm in this reality and I don't know how to function like a human being.
Everything around me seems like a movie I'm watching.
When I look into the mirror, I can see a body that doesn't appear to express the thoughts/emotions I carry inside.

I've had DP/DR for almost two years now.
I felt like I was going crazy.

I hope I will be able to be normal again


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## vario

I feel like my feelings don't connect.
Everything I sense just feels confusing to me.
I try to talk but it doesn't make sense.
I hate being around people when I'm dissociating because I feel like I have to hide how I feel otherwise they would think I'm stupid or talk to me about it and sometimes that triggers me.

Suddenly I feel like I switched in this reality from another dimension.
Like I had another body, another life, but now I'm in this reality and I don't know how to function like a human being.
Everything around me seems like a movie I'm watching.
When I look into the mirror, I can see a body that doesn't appear to express the thoughts/emotions I carry inside.

I've had DP/DR for almost two years now.
I felt like I was going crazy.

I hope I will be able to be normal again


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## Danis

For me its good it gives me courage to do most of things like not be socialy akward and btw im 13 now but first time i got it i was like 10 years old And when i was reading about dpdr everyone said you have to be older to get dpdr wich was not a case for me so i lived with it for like 2 years without knowing what is wrong with me but at the same time i kinda liked it i can do anything and just disconnect from universe i felt not resonsable for anything. When i get scared my brain just zones out. Anyone else with similar experience?


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## Gragzo2

Guys, sorry I don´t want to hurt every one's feeleengs in here, but, what are you talking about? My take on this: calling real world weird lights over the ceiling, or making games about your mind is, IMHO LSD dangerous stuff. "Don´t worry, be stable" is a quote from this site I like. Naive, probbably, but much helthier. About going to sleep at 1:30 am doesn't help; you are not sleeping 10 hours. Try to go asleep 6:00 am; sleeping all night (i.e.) no Sun light sooooooooo nice,

I am a usual contributor of this site.I am cure from DP since a lot of time, but I silll have fucking DP attacks from time to time.

A special note: having DP shit doesn´t make you a wacko


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## blankxi

I experience blank mind, i question my reality constantly and i’m always checking in on myself and my state of mind. I can’t seem to escape my head. I monitor every single thought, and if one thought seems abnormal in any way, i start to panic.


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