# The beginning of psychosis/depersonalization? (drug induced)



## anonymous172 (Jan 29, 2015)

Hello everybody. A bit of background information about me.. I am 18 years old and have had trouble sleeping for several years now. I began smoking weed(hasch) this previous summer, which opened a whole new world to me and also helped me with my sleeping issues. Fast forward to today, I have now smoked hasch every day for like a month, and previous to that I would smoke like 3-5 days a week. I dont quite enjoy the high as much as I used to do before, mainly because of the mindfuck thoughts that race through my mind while I am high, which now also affect me when I am sober. I have also further developed my anxiety/depression problems which didnt use to be a great obstacle in my life before I discovered weed.

I have read some about psychosis and depersonalization, and as I have understood it they are somewhat similar to eachother. English is not my native language and I'm not quite sure how to best describe my thoughts which have evolved due to my weed abuse, although I'm sure atleast some of you might recognize yourself.

Basically I sometimes feel like I'm living in the Matrix. I cant understand "what" created this world, or how it was created. I cannot grasp how the Universe came into existence out of nothing, logic says that something CANNOT be created out of nothing. That must mean the Universe has always been here, but my mind cant grasp infinity.(I sometimes get scared when I think about this for too long and too deep) I never drink alcohol anymore since I started smoking weed, and have become even more introverted than before, although I have no problems having a normal conversation with someone or talking with people in general, I just dont always feel the need to. Last night I hallucinated while I was high, there was something that looked like a rabbit that would bounce back and forth in my upper field of view, although I havent had any "true" hallucinations yet as I can remember.. however last night I also went outside and it sounded like a car drove by 20 feet behind me but I'm not sure if there even was a car to begin with because it was during the middle of the night and noone besides me was awake at that time in the small city I live in. I stopped and waited for that car to come around the corner(there was only 1 way it could have went), but it never showed up.

I won't bother trying to explain my biggest "mindfuck" thoughts, because I find it hard to describe.. its like I now view the entire world differently though.

I guess I will have to stop smoking weed, but I feel like shit when I'm without it, and feel like it would be worthless to quit because then there would be no other drug for me to "escape" with because I dont want to drink alcohol. It would ruin the only thing I prioritize which is my training. Despite of all the negatives that smoking weed has brought upon me, it seems to have no effect on my workouts. I guess I could try smoking "only" every 2nd or 3rd day to begin with and see how that goes.

I'm thankful for any answers and advice, I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing control of my life.


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## 59Ballons (Mar 10, 2014)

Yeah, depersonalization will make these thoughts about life itself feel so towering and so scary, and you feel like you are alone in the universe, and like everything in your life before these thoughts was fake, and your mind SIMPLY CANNOT grasp these thoughts.

And when not in a depersonalized state, your brain will mindfuck over the fact that you THOUGHTS life was fake during your depersonalized state.

The key is to IGNORE EVERYTHING and DISTRACT YOURSELF.


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## 59Ballons (Mar 10, 2014)

And any time your brain tries to make sense of these thoughts and feelings, you go haywire and enter a completely anxious state that you only emerge from by not thinking about any of this. aka distraction.


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## anonymous172 (Jan 29, 2015)

59Ballons said:


> And any time your brain tries to make sense of these thoughts and feelings, you go haywire and enter a completely anxious state that you only emerge from by not thinking about any of this. aka distraction.


I see what you mean. I will definetely try my best to find things to distract me from this thinking.. but I really only have one thing and that is training. It's hard to "do" things all the time, most of my free time I just sit home in front of the computer. I hope it will get better when summer arrives because then I can be outside, in nature etc. I havent seen the sun for what feels like months.


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## 59Ballons (Mar 10, 2014)

anonymous172 said:


> I see what you mean. I will definetely try my best to find things to distract me from this thinking.. but I really only have one thing and that is training. It's hard to "do" things all the time, most of my free time I just sit home in front of the computer. I hope it will get better when summer arrives because then I can be outside, in nature etc. I havent seen the sun for what feels like months.


That's good that you're still training. Don't ever stop doing the things that you love to do. And I feel you, I miss summer too. However, being in school is what has helped me TREMENDOUSLY by keeping me occupied all day long.


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