# My Personal Recovery



## jetherit (Jan 31, 2012)

I got depersonalization from a 2ce trip. It was an extremely bad trip, and I had nightmares for a week after. When things got unbearable, I called up a friend who had been severely abused as a child. She said that she had experienced something very similar, and suggested the book Bradshaw On: The Family - A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery. It sounds like a self-help book, but it's really so much more. I was very skeptical when she suggested a book about families, thinking that my problems stemmed from the drug. What I've realized is that the drug has nothing to do with the long-term effects, which is saying a lot because 2ce is an insanely powerful hallucinogen. I can't speak for the people who went on long drug binges, but for those of you who got DP from one night of partying, I think that it has very little to do with the drug itself. I don't think its a residual drug haze. It is very much based on yourself. What the drug did , for me at least, was make me think I was going to die and dig up all the fears associated with that. Without getting too personal, my DP was caused by extreme repression of emotional and sexual abuse. This led to my inability to express emotions as I grew up, and a general dislike for most people. What I realized was that I had an enormous amount of emotions that wanted to get out. But my brain had become accustomed to repressing everything and felt threatened when they tried to get out. So it shut down reality. DP was essentially a defense mechanism my brain used to defend against itself. I have since had a massive change in perspective on life. A few things I've noticed about myself prior to DP are as follow:

-I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved by anyone.
-I felt like I didn't have the right to express emotion.
-I was afraid of becoming attached to people out of fear of abandonment.
-I was afraid of making choices, any choices, because then I would have to accept that I was responsible for myself.
-I devalued my body.
-I felt that I had to earn someone's love, and that it could not just be given. 
-I felt that I deserved to be lonely. 
-I liked to self-harm.
-I was afraid of offending people. 
-I found things to not like about people to rationalize alienating them.

This was a huge revelation for me. I had been so sure there was nothing wrong with me, that it was just the drug's aftereffects, and that my apathy was just one of my quirks. But it was actually the result of very, very deep-seated family issues. For anyone who thinks they can relate to any of the items listed, I would very highly recommend the book mentioned above. Once I began reading it, I started experiencing the beginnings of emotion. It's very weird to say it like that, but it's true. I had been devoid of emotion for a very long time, and they started showing themselves in the form of colors and shapes, and other abstract concepts in my head. It's important to keep track of these, and I would recommend researching the psychology of color because these can lead you to repressed feelings. If and when you begin to realize certain grudges you've unknowingly held against your family or other persons, it's very important to get those feelings out in healthy ways, like beating the crap out of your pillow. I did that just last night, and it was unbelievably cathartic. I have also noticed that those crazy feelings that you're in a dream like to happen when you're approaching an emotional breakthrough. It's your brain feeling threatened, and is potentially an indicator of good things. That's about where I'm at right now. I am by no means fully recovered, but I am light-years from where I was the day after the trip.

To recover, I think it's very important to always keep in mind that you deserve to be happy and that your brain sometimes doesn't really know what's best for you. Sometimes you have to guide it.

Anyways, that's my two cents. Good luck, guys!


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## dbeck (May 13, 2011)

This is such a great post. You sound a lot like me. I got my dp from some pretty potent LSD (or at least thats what I thought it was lol), but as you said, I don't really thing the dp is a direct result of the drug altering my brain chemistry, but is instead an emotional response form all of the ridiculous thoughts that were being thrown at me during the trip. I may have to check out that book.


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