# this can't be all there is to life



## HeadiesPatel_24 (Feb 13, 2014)

I dealt with DP during my senior year of college at the age of 21. I had one semester of school to finish and it got to the point I had to take a semester off to get my head straight. It was the scariest thing I dealt with in my life. I had a lot of social anxiety, racing thoughts, ringing ears, decreased appetite, loss of libido, fear, confusion and the scariest of all - emotional/physical numbness. I couldn't connect with people in conversation - friends, family, strangers. My voice became monotone. I lost my personality all together. I was freaked out - I went to through every medical test - nothing showed up. This lasted for about 7 months and basically it entailed staying at home with family taking it easy and one day at a time. I left school, didn't have a job and basically lived off of my parents. I came out of it with cutting out stress, good diet, praying, and most of all the support of my family. Miraculously after a cold and depressing winter I started feeling like my self again. As though a circuit breaker had finally reset, I felt my sensations, instincts, emotions return again. My mind and body needed time to readjust and finally the things I loved in life felt good again.

I went on to finish college, got a job and received further certification in my field. I reconnected with friends, family, people in general. I thought this was it I would never have to look back again.

Fast forward two years - I am now 23 years old. Here I am again - back into the abyss. Rock bottom - detached, numb, apathetic - most of all weak. I don't know what triggered it, how I could so easily lose my skills in life. I feel dumb, spineless, scared. I never really believed in a higher being but ever since my first bout I definitely believed in love and became more spiritual. So much for that - **** this disorder. I always thought being a hard working and good person would take me far - and all I have gotten in return is misery and pain. Time healed my first bout and that is what I hold onto - how good life was in that two year time frame, and that this too will pass. God, lord, something please give me help me. If not for my own sake, atleast for my family - they don't deserve to suffer due to what I have become.


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2014)

Just try to figure out what you want right now and go for it!

I'm in that same weird emotionally numb stage too, but I think I can make my life happy enough to snap out of it someday


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## HeadiesPatel_24 (Feb 13, 2014)

Thank you for the support. Having been through it once before I find it kind of amusing that it has returned because I did overcome it. In terms of advice, I would say I probably have a little too much. Obsessively thinking about it only makes it worse. I do not expect a pill or something to magically relieve my symptoms because I agree there is no magic cure - only you make yourself better. I posted on here to vent. It is as though there is a filter in front of my face when taking in stimuli. Inability to get angry, aroused, happy - just an inner coldness, quietness, blank mind. Was wondering if anyone else felt this way? - where it got to the point where complete silence did not bother you. It freaks me out when I am around others and have to consciously think about it being too quiet instead of it just coming naturally.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Yes I am at this exact same stage too...I feel apathetic, cold and lifeless with a blank mind too :/ hard to deal with and "accept"


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## HeadiesPatel_24 (Feb 13, 2014)

It's too much. I am the youngest of three children (2 older sisters married). My parents are first generation immigrants in this country, and it is my responsibility to support them. I don't know what to do. Not only am I incapable of supporting myself due to my cognitive impairment from this disorder, there is so much responsibility that I cannot take on. Everything I look at becomes chaotic and falls apart. I've lost hope for recovery and plan to end it at the end of March after both my parents' birthdays and my sister's baby shower. I have become uncomfortably numb.


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