# the same thing every night



## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

I am so sick of this shit! I just want to sleep through one night without waking up and freaking out and not knowing who I am. This is the scariest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Everytime I wake up I think "oh great not again." I can't even enjoy my life. I'm just trying to survive each day. When I tell my therapist this she says "that sounds very scary, describe to me what you mean by 'you don't know who you are.'" She said I have to describe it so we can work on making it go away, but I always have trouble putting it into words for her! I tell her when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself, logically I know its me but it just doesn't FEEL like it is. When I speak my voice sounds like it doesn't belong to me, and I guess the meaning behind everything I do/say. What else can I say lady!?


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## Sleepwalker (Dec 4, 2008)

Hi, alexandra23

Sorry you have to live this nightmare.
There are a few members here who are more knowledgeable and whom you can message privately, if you wish.
I have felt depersanalized all my life. Thanks to some meds, I've improved a lot.
I'm intrigued by the role that (dysfunctional) sleep is suspected of playing in all of this.
May I ask; do you find that these feelings are worst in the night, after you wake up? 
How long have you been feeling this way? 
I'm a 'night owl, how 'bout you?


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hellooo... In my opinion, the "loss of self issue" is brought on by anxiety. I believe this because I've had it to extremes, and I've noticed that every time I take a benzo my sense of self gets stronger (not saying you should take the whole box and you'd recover).

The loss of self is a symptom, tell you're shrink it's an objective experience, not a subjective "feeling". It doesn't have anything to do with identity. In my humble opinion.( http://thedailydp.blogspot.com/2009/07/now-what.html )

The therapy you are getting shouldn't focus on your symptoms, it should focus on helping you resolve your problems in life, and the anxiety and dp will go away as you get stronger.

Waking up panicking is horrible, but proves how this has your subconscious working overtime. You need to get your anxiety down when you're awake, at least that's what helped me. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but benzo's (taken regularly) and talk therapy, has worked wonders for me.

Good luck, I know oh so well what you are going through... It WILL get better.


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## Sleepwalker (Dec 4, 2008)

Amen to that, york!!

Note well that _anxiety is linked to poor quality sleep_ as well as to other factors (as mention above)

There's a very interesting post on the discussion board:

*Depersonalization and Derealization Discussion*

Thread: *Anyone Ever had This Sleep-Related Feeling?* (second-to-last post)
by dreamer


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

alexandra23 said:


> I am so sick of this shit! I just want to sleep through one night without waking up and freaking out and not knowing who I am. This is the scariest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Everytime I wake up I think "oh great not again." I can't even enjoy my life. I'm just trying to survive each day. When I tell my therapist this she says "that sounds very scary, describe to me what you mean by 'you don't know who you are.'" She said I have to describe it so we can work on making it go away, but I always have trouble putting it into words for her! I tell her when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself, logically I know its me but it just doesn't FEEL like it is. When I speak my voice sounds like it doesn't belong to me, and I guess the meaning behind everything I do/say. What else can I say lady!?


Alex, im tortured by everything you said here.  its like we are twins in the way we feel. Which sucks. :x I wish we could both feel like normal people instead of aliens, but we have to get better, it can only go up from here, I guess. :| I hope the DP couldnt get any worse.


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

sleepwalker, my anxiety and dp is at its worst at night as soon as it starts to get somewhat dark its like a cue for my anxiety to peak. and its the very VERY worst when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, which it does everynight at least once. and claymore im so sorry we have to feel like this too, but take solace in knowing that we are so similar. you are not crazy and you are not alone. and york totally agree with the whole stronger sense of self after taking a benzo. you all make very good points.


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

also york i have benzos i just dont want to rely on them to get through my life i feel like they are just sedating me and i feel like that is no way to live i feel like i have to learn to deal with this on my own, at least when i can. i only take my benzos if i feel like im losing control so badly that i fear for my life.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

alexandra23 said:


> also york i have benzos i just dont want to rely on them to get through my life


the way i see that is, you need to do what you need to do to make it through right now. if (and when) you start feeling better, then you wont need them anymore. :idea:


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## Sleepwalker (Dec 4, 2008)

alexandra23 said:


> also york i have benzos i just dont want to rely on them to get through my life i feel like they are just sedating me and i feel like that is no way to live i feel like i have to learn to deal with this on my own, at least when i can. i only take my benzos if i feel like im losing control so badly that i fear for my life.


Alexandra23, which benzodiazipines are you taking and what strengths?

I use clonazepam because it is less
sedating for me but still attacks the anxiety.

The other benzo's will get you hooked faster as well; because the withdrawal effect is
faster than is of clonazepam.

Depression or not, *some antidepressants also relieve anxiety* and do not 'hook' you. So, discuss that with your doc.

People will react differently to different meds but ask you doc about

lamotrigine

It's also an anti-convulsant like clonazepam. It works very well for me and others. It is, in fact, my saving grace.

I am not a practisioner; I'm just giving you my experience with meds.

All the best


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## Sleepwalker (Dec 4, 2008)

alexandra23 said:


> also york i have benzos i just dont want to rely on them to get through my life i feel like they are just sedating me and i feel like that is no way to live i feel like i have to learn to deal with this on my own, at least when i can. i only take my benzos if i feel like im losing control so badly that i fear for my life.


Please, Alexandra23 do not mess with benzos on your own.
Go see a psychiatrist--'her' specialty is medicinal drugs, not a shrink's.

Get your life in some semblance of control first with the meds, but do not ever cut
out or cut down benzos suddenly. That's going to be much, much worse for you than before the benzos.
Bottom line is--locate a competent psychiatrist ASAP!


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

i have an appointment for a psychiatrist on september 14, and i see a therapist every week. my family practice doctor has me on lexapro 10 mg in the mean time along with xanax .25 to take as needed. i havent "needed" to take them in over a week but they are there for the extra help.


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## Sleepwalker (Dec 4, 2008)

Great! I hope it turns out well.  
I'd be happy to know how things went.


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

thanks ill keep you posted if youd like.


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## Jessesaur (Jul 25, 2009)

I can really relate to thinking "oh great not again" when waking up and just trying to survive each day. And everything else too. I think you just described intense DP perfectly but, of course, people who have never had DP still wouldn't get it. The only reason we get it is because we got it. :x


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

ugh it just happened again! its gettng to the point that i'm afraid to go to bed at night. this doesn't happen when I take naps, i don't get it.


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## Deja_vu_256 (Apr 27, 2009)

occasionally i wake up and can't grasp WHAT i am... like I'm tripping over my own thoughts and can't even gain any foundation of reality - it's a terrible feeling - it doesn't usually last too long but it feels like eternity. this hasn't happened for a long time and it was only when i was REALLY BAD DP'D (extremely stressed).

it's been so long for me that i stopped worrying about who i am, i've learned to ignore that feeling and just be, even w/o feeling like myself - it's like a fear i conquered. it's still there and not really better in any way, except i'm used to it and don't think about it much. You just have to realize that worrying won't help anything, just live with it and realize that you don't have to do anything about it - it will eventually come back... i know that's really easy to say, but that's how i look at it now and it hasn't bothered me as much lately. Anyways i wish you luck!


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

thank you, and what you described is what happens to me every night. i think thats why my anxiety is so bad at night because i am dreading going to bed.


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## alexandra23 (Dec 15, 2008)

this is so awful im laying in bed right now and i feel pretty ok but I know whats waiting for me if I go to sleep. should i take a xanax before i go to sleep to keep me asleep? i just don't know what to do anymore.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Deja_vu_256 said:


> occasionally i wake up and can't grasp WHAT i am... like I'm tripping over my own thoughts and can't even gain any foundation of reality


uuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrgggggg I feel like this alllllll day!!!!! :x its so frustrating having to keep reminding yourself that you still exist and your still the same person, and that this is just an ailment that will go away because it feels nothing like that, its like my mind wont grasp that im still me and that i still exist as me in the world ive always lived in. I feel like im high on pot 24/7 or like im trapped inside if a little clear box and cant reach anything on the outside nomatter how hard i try. I have to do that in my head all day long until finally i cant take it anymore and i just end up going to sleep.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

My experience with benzos (Oxazepam) is that when I take it regularly at a low dose, it stabilizes my anxiety and dp to the degree I can at least stand upright, and now I even manage to get out of the house. To see myself function gives me hope, and to do things fills my head with other thoughts than the anxious ones, in turn making me sleep better. I haven't panicked at night for a couple of weeks now. And a good nights sleep helps with everything. Oh, and don't take naps! EVER.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

york said:


> Oh, and don't take naps! EVER.


YEAH!!!!!, or when you wake up you'll feel like a mindless robot-void. :? And if you do take a nap, do yourself a favor and go back to sleep or at least stay in bed because if you get up, your DP will be way worse. (Thats what I ment the mindless robot-void thing)


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

My best advice for free: Go to bed at eleven-twelve-ish at night. Get up at seven-eight-ish, never later. Go for a walk after breakfast and if you feel up for it, stay out for a couple of hours. Don't exhaust yourself. Eat regularly throughout the day.
Relax after dinner, maybe with a meditation CD. Go to sleep as before mentioned. Repeat ad infinitum. 
And take magnesium and B's.

DO NOT: Lay in bed. Get up as soon as you wake up in the morning. I mean it! GET UP.
Eat sugary things or drink caffein.
Play computer games/video games (If you have to; an hour tops!)
Do drugs unless your doc gave them to you
Get a hangover...


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I've had DP for about six years or so, although I've only in the last few years finally found a name for it. I've had recurrences about twice a year since then, lasting a couple of months at a time. I just hit another rough patch a couple of weeks ago, and it feels like an eternity. What seems to work best for me is taking an antidepressant to stabilize things long-term and a benzo to help me through the scariest moments. Unfortunately, I've found that antidepressants work differently on everyone. Something that works perfect for me may be a nightmare for someone else, or vice versa. It's kind of trial and error in that way, because everybody's body chemistry is different. I've done well with Zoloft (I take 30 mg a day). As far as the benzos, clonazepam has been a dream come true for me. Xanax wasn't quite doing it, and one of the doctors I was seeing switched me to clonazepam. I'm on a very small dose - .5 mg twice a day as needed. I usually take half a tablet when I need it, 3 times a day max. It definitely helps to take the edge off, although no drug is going to keep you from thinking a scary thought. What it does seem to do is to help keep you from dwelling on it.

Finding the right therapist/psychologist is tricky, too. Even among mental health professionals, some of them know more than others about certain conditions and symptoms. If you can, ask around and try to find someone who's familiar with anxiety disorders and DP. These people will be in a better position to help you, just as a neurologist would probably be better equipped to treat chronic headaches than a general practitioner.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi, that's interesting how it comes and goes with you. Do you think it's anxiety/stress that sets it off? I'm getting just a tad desperate for answers and for it to go away.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

york said:


> I'm getting just a tad desperate for answers and for it to go away.


Me too Anny, Me too. :|


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

...I'm having a particularly shitty night tonight. Blah. I can't remember having a life. Was I just dropped from a space ship, hitting my head when I hit the ground? I could swear..


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

york said:


> ...I'm having a particularly shitty night tonight. Blah. I can't remember having a life. Was I just dropped from a space ship, hitting my head when I hit the ground? I could swear..


I feel the exact same way sometimes. Its the strangest feeling. Remember your own words Anny, it WILL get better.


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