# The fence of Reality



## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

Hello, I am new here. I just signed up.
I used to be a very free spirited person, life was an amazing journey and every twist and turn was anticipated and accepted. Seven months ago, my life changed in a completely unanticipated and dramatic way.

Hmmm my past... I was a really troubled child. Mental and emotional abuse, I realize now, was HUGE in my little life. My mother did the best an alcoholic single mother of four could do, but I never got the nurturing I needed. I was extremely smart for a kid. I started reading novels when I was eight, conversing on ridiculously intellectual levels with adults for as long as I can remember. That obviously set me apart from kids in my community and at school, so I was teased and ridiculed pretty bad. I always thought 'why is the world like this? why am I like this? is this normal? what are we doing here? what am I doing here?'.
I grew up fatherless, there was an ever present knowledge to me that if he came back, everything would be okay and I would be happy. Then he came back, and I found out the hard way that my dreams couldn't be realized. He emotionally and mentally abused me, getting physical sometimes but not often. My puberty was plagued with depression, self abuse(see: cutting myself), exploration into hard drugs and sexual experimentation.
Throughout my life I've had moments when suddenly reality seemed to shift for me and I was taken out of myself. Objects and people were strange and somewhat scary. I would panic slightly wondering how long this would last, but it would always pass.
Skip forward: from 21-24 I lived a very uncaring life. I've hitchiked the country, traveled to other countries, lived on the streets/couches/random housing, and I was happy with that. Although I was never really happy. I've always been quite sad and depressed, going in and out of these episodes of emotional craziness to emotional numbness. To me it was just life and I dealt with it the ways that I could, but others didn't agree with my lifestyle and actions so I never really had a safe and comfortable place to call home. That's why I've moved and wandered so much, looking for somewhere I feel safe and relaxed.
I feel like I am a sponge for other peoples problems. I am extremely empathetic and seem to think I can fix and help people by being their backbone and sounding board and punching bag. I always thought I was strong enough to deal with their pain and anger, that if I took it in they could let it go. I've had many people in my life treat me like absolute garbage and take advantage of me for that. To deal with this, I keep everything secret and inside. Very few times have I shown my real emotions and feelings. I'm too scared they will be tramped and rejected. I am very sensitive.
I have a lot of crazy thoughts in my head, intense imagery. I can relive experiences in my life like they are happening again, or make up new ones like they are a real memory. While I use this for artistic causes a lot, it's a big reason I am like I am now.
I've skipped a lot of the trauma in my life, but I just don't feel like I can write about it right now. I want to skip ahead again.
For the past whoknowshowlong I've been screwed up and emotionally fucked. I've been on a quest to find who I am, who we are, what this all means for so long I exhausted myself.
June '10 is when it all hit me. I was living a(what a thought was a) comfortable life, seeing someone who was emotionally stabbing me but whom I loved, living on my own in a new town with new people and a bright future. I was very zen and meditated every day. I felt myself as far transcended as I'd ever felt in my life.
I had a new job that I had been working at for two weeks, and that I loved. I woke every morning with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.
On the 27th of June, I was walking down an isle at work when suddenly my vision blurred and shook and my senses went crazy and I got dizzy and had to hold onto shelving so I didn't fall to the ground. My manager was in front of me and guided me to the break room. It's hard for me to remember all of the details, but I remember trying to work out why I was feeling this way. I wasn't tired or stressed out(I thought), I wasn't sick, nothing had happened recently to make me feel that way at all. I sat there for a while, then decided to go see the doctor. He said it was a quick spike either up or down in my blood pressure, and that I would be fine the next day.
I wasn't fine the next day, or any day since.
I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. The objects in my house made me laugh at their unrealistic qualities. My voice sounded like it was coming out of a muffled speaker. Everything had a strangeness and fog about it. Walking made me dizzy, laying down made me dizzy. My thought process was deep and erratic, my past was blasting in my head louder than I could handle. I cried a lot those first days, out of fear and confusion and lack of acceptance. I called my mother and told her what I felt had happened(a mental breakdown at the time), she came to get me and I moved back home.
The months afterward are a blur. I've always been a fighter, and I strongly believed that whatever was wrong with me would pass. Unfortunately I wasn't doing anything to help myself, as it was extremely difficult. My mind was a fog of memories. They would run through my mind all day, along with the depression/anxiety/regret/hate/sadness I associated with them. I became very scared, unreasonably scared. I've called it 'afraid to be afraid', that's my best description of it. I went to a clinic and had a complete physical along with lots of blood work, all coming back without comment and saying I was in perfect health. I was building up an extreme paranoia, bordering on hypochondria. Even after all the tests, I feared I had something physically wrong with me that was making me feel like I was going crazy. I considered checking myself into a psychiatric ward ward several times, but something inside me told me I couldn't let myself fold like that. So I kept living with my psychosis and dealt with it daily and painfully.
I was reading articles on the internet when I spied some words that struck me: 'Depersonalization disorder'. I clicked on the link and was shocked and baffled by what I read. It was like someone took everything I was going through and laid it out in easy print. I was relieved and scared at the same time. I did not realize AT ALL that other people were going through the exact same thing. I like to think of myself as a rather smart and thoughtful person, but somehow it escaped me to think that I couldn't be alone.

So here I am, still fighting this disorder, still feeling just as screwed up as ever, but hopeful that maybe through communication and reading on this forum I can find a little comfort.

I've missed and skipped SO MUCH of my story, but it was actually rather hard to admit a lot of this stuff and write it out. I hope maybe some people can read this and associate with it as much as I've associated with others stories and not feel so alone anymore. 
Thank you for taking the time to read about me, and if you have anything to say(helpful or just words), I would be very grateful to hear it!


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

I wanted to add this, I wrote it today in a creative fit with my memories.

Through the bushes she ran, fast as could be. Her vision was clearly focused on the future, holding hands with tomorrow, narrowly escaping the toughest times.
The words of the world surrounded her, deafening her until she couldn't hear the pleas and warnings. Today was her day, as was yesterday, and the day after was just a dream away.
The dark pit of time struck suddenly, and she was wrapped tight in the dementia of her past. Dizzy with exhaustion, she struck down on the path and felt her knees touch the earth for good. The skies were dark then, silent and unmoving. A sad song lingered in the air, breaking from a far away mouth and retching tears and fears from her heart. What a disastrous plan, what a scabbed and bloody waste.
Rocking on her heels, she fought the shadows with her teeth and nails. Ripping the air to pieces with the fury of her voice, beating her body to misery rupturing the clouds of disappointment that swung low above her head.
This dark place holds her still, holds her silent. No words can place her back to her path. No physical joy can reanimate her reality.
Depersonalized and disassociated, she straddles the fence of life and waits to choose.


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

...


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

A similar thing happened with my dp onset, it felt very physical. I empathize lots with your posts, only joined this forum myself a week ago.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

On onset came very suddenly and out of nowhere, also during a time in my life when I was calm and at peace with myself and the world. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. Welcome to the site.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

I've read that a lot of people seem to develop DPD right after or recently after they start to question their existence and the world we live in. It's like we try to go higher with our consciousness, and we get slapped back down to a really strange reality. It really does seem like a trend, does anyone have any insight into this? It makes no sense to me.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

elizadayk said:


> I've read that a lot of people seem to develop DPD right after or recently after they start to question their existence and the world we live in. It's like we try to go higher with our consciousness, and we get slapped back down to a really strange reality. It really does seem like a trend, does anyone have any insight into this? It makes no sense to me.


Makes no sense to me either.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Makes no sense to me either.


I wondered with myself if by going deeper into my psyche and realizing a higher potential and spirituality just made my brain have a sort of freak out and collapse into a panic state. It kind of feels like I tried to step higher but got pulled down by all my dirty laundry and now I'm stuck in a cycle of regret and fear over my past and anxiety over my reactions to the world. I got a glimpse of something better, but instead of being able to embrace it I got scared and curled up in a little ball.
The horrible thing about this malfunction is that some part of me can see how easily it happened and feel that I can slowly fix it, but it's such a mess in my head that finding the right tools for it is like climbing a flat mountain face with bare hands.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

j4mtj said:


> Have you been tested for epilepsy? I don't know too much about it but I think DP is one of the symptoms or results, esp. since you had this sudden near-collapse.


No, I have no fear that epilepsy is the case. It doesn't tie in with that. It was just a strong overwhelming change in my reality and my reaction to it was panic and confusion. I've never had an episode as fast and hard as the first one, but I have had quite a few similar since then. I've been around people for it, and they barely notice what I am going through until I tell them I need to go 'right now'. I've never actually fainted or fallen over or lost sense of myself completely during these episodes.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

resinoptes said:


> A similar thing happened with my dp onset, it felt very physical. I empathize lots with your posts, only joined this forum myself a week ago.


I'm glad you can empathize. I feel it's very important to not feel so horribly alone with this.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

elizadayk said:


> I wondered with myself if by going deeper into my psyche and realizing a higher potential and spirituality just made my brain have a sort of freak out and collapse into a panic state. It kind of feels like I tried to step higher but got pulled down by all my dirty laundry and now I'm stuck in a cycle of regret and fear over my past and anxiety over my reactions to the world. I got a glimpse of something better, but instead of being able to embrace it I got scared and curled up in a little ball.
> The horrible thing about this malfunction is that some part of me can see how easily it happened and feel that I can slowly fix it, but it's such a mess in my head that finding the right tools for it is like climbing a flat mountain face with bare hands.


Yeah totally. Weird, similar thing happened to me before experiencing DP/DR. 3 weeks prior I came to a point within where i was content with myself and the world and felt truly at peace for the first time. I felt one with everything that is. Then DP/DR came. It sucks having found peace and truth within for the first time in my life, then losing it.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Yeah totally. Weird, similar thing happened to me before experiencing DP/DR. 3 weeks prior I came to a point within where i was content with myself and the world and felt truly at peace for the first time. I felt one with everything that is. Then DP/DR came. It sucks having found peace and truth within for the first time in my life, then losing it.


Is it fear that does this? I wonder that. Is something inside us freaking out because we've changed and there is no more reason to fret and worry? I often blame it on my 'false ego' or what have you. Basically my brain and it's thought patterns.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

elizadayk said:


> Is it fear that does this? I wonder that. Is something inside us freaking out because we've changed and there is no more reason to fret and worry? I often blame it on my 'false ego' or what have you. Basically my brain and it's thought patterns.


Yeah I tend to blame it on my mind/ego. :/


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

There is so much I want to write. My brain is just off today. I can't think.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> There is so much I want to write. My brain is just off today. I can't think.


That's okay. I'm finding it surprisingly easy to write about myself in here. It's a weight off my shoulders for sure. I've been silent and confused for so long...
I'm for sure interested in things you have to say though, it seems we have a big similarity in what happened to us. I'll look forward to when you're feeling a little more on.


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## Guest (Jan 23, 2011)

I also had gained some massive self realization in self image and confidence right before DP came. I was so high on life that smoking the best weed around didn't make me feel any different. I had been reading philosophy books at the time and was taking notes on how to improve myself in this world. It's like I dug too deep and DP was the price I paid. Now maybe DP is something to be conquered to regain some high state of being.


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Well I spent the whole year before it happened sorting out all my destructive realationships with my family my friends and the people around me. (I live in Oakland and my family are in England and somewhat estranged) I had a very traumatic visit with them last summer where I laid out everything about myself and my life and was basically rejected and dragged through mud by them. When I got back. I felt that finally I could create/write/live without constant anxiety, I could feel something ominous building for the next two months, even though I though things were finally improving. Then one night all space and time collapsed into one around me, I lost the sense of subject and object, symbol and referent. I was in my apartment with friends and I had to go outside, I clung to the steel bar of the fire escape for an hour just to have something to pull on, I didn't know 'what' I was other than an awareness that couldn't categorise anything around it, it was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I saw there was value and meaning in it. I woke up the next morning everything was different, was laughing at how incongruous objects looked, like you said. For the first few weeks I thought things would slowly return to normal, they plateued for a while in this changed state (glass pane, doubt as to my self awareness) then I started having similar experiences repeatedly, started having trouble driving (massive panic attacks) reading (would be unable to concentrate, misread words) lots of muscle tension, and stuck in a loop of intrusive memories of my past. So I went down the medical route (blood work) was normal. Actually went to a 'drop in' psychiatric clinic and persuaded them to give me klonopin after reading about it here, it definitely helped with the anxiety, but I'm still in a strange parallel world and not all that functional.

I too felt 'slapped down' or mind raped by some god/gods
I tried to relate it to 'ego death', but that's a one time experience, not something you get trapped in, I thought :-/

Anyway, there's that


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> I also had gained some massive self realization in self image and confidence right before DP came. I was so high on life that smoking the best weed around didn't make me feel any different. I had been reading philosophy books at the time and was taking notes on how to improve myself in this world. It's like I dug too deep and DP was the price I paid. Now maybe DP is something to be conquered to regain some high state of being.


That's not a bad way of looking at it. 'conquer DPD, find true transcendence!' I'm not sure if I can feel that way though. I am a bit like a kicked puppy. That awesome happiness and knowledge of myself I used to have strikes fear into me because it proceeds the worst period of my life.


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## Guest (Jan 23, 2011)

elizadayk said:


> That's not a bad way of looking at it. 'conquer DPD, find true transcendence!' I'm not sure if I can feel that way though. I am a bit like a kicked puppy. That awesome happiness and knowledge of myself I used to have strikes fear into me because it proceeds the worst period of my life.


Yes but it may also be 'find true transcendence, conquer DPD!'


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

For me it's an Icarus like feeling, like I tryed to make everything in my being truthful and coherent for the first time, felt that i'd actually succeeded, then my wings melted


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

resinoptes said:


> Well I spent the whole year before it happened sorting out all my destructive realationships with my family my friends and the people around me. (I live in Oakland and my family are in England and somewhat estranged) I had a very traumatic visit with them last summer where I laid out everything about myself and my life and was basically rejected and dragged through mud by them. When I got back. I felt that finally I could create/write/live without constant anxiety, I could feel something ominous building for the next two months, even though I though things were finally improving. Then one night all space and time collapsed into one around me, I lost the sense of subject and object, symbol and referent. I was in my apartment with friends and I had to go outside, I clung to the steel bar of the fire escape for an hour just to have something to pull on, I didn't know 'what' I was other than an awareness that couldn't categorise anything around it, it was the most terrifying experience of my life, but I saw there was value and meaning in it. I woke up the next morning everything was different, was laughing at how incongruous objects looked, like you said. For the first few weeks I thought things would slowly return to normal, they plateued for a while in this changed state (glass pane, doubt as to my self awareness) then I started having similar experiences repeatedly, started having trouble driving (massive panic attacks) reading (would be unable to concentrate, misread words) lots of muscle tension, and stuck in a loop of intrusive memories of my past. So I went down the medical route (blood work) was normal. Actually went to a 'drop in' psychiatric clinic and persuaded them to give me klonopin after reading about it here, it definitely helped with the anxiety, but I'm still in a strange parallel world and not all that functional.
> 
> I too felt 'slapped down' or mind raped by some god/gods
> I tried to relate it to 'ego death', but that's a one time experience, not something you get trapped in, I thought :-/
> ...


Wow. Thanks for your story. I absolutely relate to clinging to an object to keep from 'floating away' or something. I touch things a lot these days. Furniture to a mild breeze, it helps me ground myself.
I've always been extremely adverse to medications. From my experience watching friends and family take them for whatever reasons, they loose more of their reality rather than gain it back. So my methods of healing deal with a lot of talk therapy and self analysis. The analysis part is pretty hard, and can get out of control if it spirals in the wrong direction, keeping it under control is a daily trial.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> Yes but it may also be 'find true transcendence, conquer DPD!'


That's very true. Getting past the mess and fear to even realize how it was before is the first impossible feeling hurdle though.


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Well I in a way trust medications more than talk therapy, I feel I am more in control of the process that way, that if what's happening is in some ways an autonomic fear loop, if I can push it into the background for a while it gives me time to do therapy on myself. Plus I don't have the money for therapy, and have had some bad experiences with it before, it's obviously not a permanent solution, but I was completely collapsing. Just a perspective, no judgement implied. Depends on the drug, obviously...


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Oh, you're holding a sloth in your picture!
I wish I was holding a sloth!


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Had bad experiences with meds too though, esp SSRIs... on one now anyway though


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

resinoptes said:


> For me it's an Icarus like feeling, like I tryed to make everything in my being truthful and coherent for the first time, felt that i'd actually succeeded, then my wings melted


EH, same here, exactly.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I feel so detached from that experience though and all experiences from my past. Trying to re-connect to old memories is too painful for me.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

We should all chat


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Doesn't look like there's a chat option on the mobile site...


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## Alive&Kicking (Jan 20, 2011)

;0


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

resinoptes said:


> Doesn't look like there's a chat option on the mobile site...


That's too bad, it would be nice to chat with you.


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## SirDickens. (Dec 14, 2010)

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum elizadayk.









You're post is really great. Even though my DP didn't started like yours I can so much relate to many of your experiences.

And you have profound and special vocabulary which gives like some other "dimension" to your story. I enjoyed reading it.









Maybe it's off topic, but it's funny how really big portion of people here are crafty with words and seem to me pretty intelligent and yet they suffer from DP.

Like Paul Schilder said: "Depersonalization is the neurosis of the good looking and intelligent...who want too much admiration."

And somehow it's true.









Best regards,
Bruno.


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> I also had gained some massive self realization in self image and confidence right before DP came. I was so high on life that smoking the best weed around didn't make me feel any different. I had been reading philosophy books at the time and was taking notes on how to improve myself in this world. It's like I dug too deep and DP was the price I paid. Now maybe DP is something to be conquered to regain some high state of being.


Would you say you STILL feel massive confidence right now with yourself, but feel not-so-confident with the public because you know you think differently than they do?

and would you say you have gained massive insight about yourself and the world through your depersonalization?


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Yeah I tend to blame it on my mind/ego. :/


I blame alot on my Ego as well............maybe our Ego is too small and can't handle the thoughts we have while being depersonalized?


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

SirDickens. said:


> Hi there,
> 
> Welcome to the forum elizadayk.
> 
> ...


I am going out on a limb here, but when you talk about intelligence and depersonalization, I think I am more intelligent now then I was before I ended up depersonalized..........does anyone look at the GOOD side of DP? I think there is a good side to DP


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

elizadayk said:


> Wow. Thanks for your story. I absolutely relate to clinging to an object to keep from 'floating away' or something. I touch things a lot these days. Furniture to a mild breeze, it helps me ground myself.
> I've always been extremely adverse to medications. From my experience watching friends and family take them for whatever reasons, they loose more of their reality rather than gain it back. So my methods of healing deal with a lot of talk therapy and self analysis. The analysis part is pretty hard, and can get out of control if it spirals in the wrong direction, keeping it under control is a daily trial.


I agree with you about the talk therapy and self analysis, but that at times it gets out of controls as thoughts start racing and going nowhere.

When my thoughts are going nowhere, I just stop trying to think at that point and focus on something simple.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

> Maybe it's off topic, but it's funny how really big portion of people here are crafty with words and seem to me pretty intelligent and yet they suffer from DP.
> 
> Like Paul Schilder said: "Depersonalization is the neurosis of the good looking and intelligent...who want too much admiration."
> 
> ...


Intelligence breeds insanity. It sometimes works the other way, too.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

Tanyawa said:


> I agree with you about the talk therapy and self analysis, but that at times it gets out of controls as thoughts start racing and going nowhere.
> 
> When my thoughts are going nowhere, I just stop trying to think at that point and focus on something simple.


I get that way as well. It's extremely difficult at those times to pull myself out and focus on something on the outside. I do find the more I talk about it and admit what I am going through to people who care about me, the less I hold all this stuff inside myself. I'm fairly certain that I brought DPD onto myself with the way I process information and emotion and then hold it all inside. So talking, for me, is something new and expressive and completely therapeutic.


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

yes, trying to solve emotional problems through over-rational introspection contributed to my dp, i think (or should i say feel)


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

resinoptes said:


> yes, trying to solve emotional problems through over-rational introspection contributed to my dp, i think (or should i say feel)


If I have no one to talk to, I will write my feelings and thoughts out and then read it out loud

that helps too

there is something about getting it OUTSIDE of the mind that is therapeutic.........to me anyways

sometimes I can identify distortions in my thoughts if I say it out loud cause it might sound odd when I am saying it


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

Tanyawa said:


> If I have no one to talk to, I will write my feelings and thoughts out and then read it out loud
> 
> that helps too
> 
> ...


I find 'talking to myself' to be quite good for me actually. It helps me sort things out, brings stuff into focus. If I'm staring at something(or nothing), trying to work something out in my head that feels so messed up, I just start saying the problems out loud and work through it that way. My friends and family are used to it, but boy do I get weird looks in public... like 'normal' people don't use this method too, come on now!


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

elizadayk said:


> I find 'talking to myself' to be quite good for me actually. It helps me sort things out, brings stuff into focus. If I'm staring at something(or nothing), trying to work something out in my head that feels so messed up, I just start saying the problems out loud and work through it that way. My friends and family are used to it, but boy do I get weird looks in public... like 'normal' people don't use this method too, come on now!


everybody talks to themselves every now and then


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## heartdream (Feb 6, 2011)

elizadayk said:


> Wow. Thanks for your story. I absolutely relate to clinging to an object to keep from 'floating away' or something. I touch things a lot these days. Furniture to a mild breeze, it helps me ground myself.
> I've always been extremely adverse to medications. From my experience watching friends and family take them for whatever reasons, they loose more of their reality rather than gain it back. So my methods of healing deal with a lot of talk therapy and self analysis. The analysis part is pretty hard, and can get out of control if it spirals in the wrong direction, keeping it under control is a daily trial.


I think medicine should be a last resort. I know can be a holy grail for coping for some but I can't bring myself to go on meds in hopes of getting back to my normal state. One thing that's helpful in and of itself is knowing that you are not alone.


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## elizadayk (Jan 23, 2011)

heartdream said:


> I think medicine should be a last resort. I know can be a holy grail for coping for some but I can't bring myself to go on meds in hopes of getting back to my normal state. One thing that's helpful in and of itself is knowing that you are not alone.


I absolutely agree with you. Even though I feel alone and confused and just right fucked up, a little part of me reminds me that I'm not crazy and other people know exactly what I am going through. A small comfort, but something to hold onto in the dark.


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## Ben23 (Nov 27, 2006)

Reading your story is comforting, its like a reaffirmation of life. Glad to know that if i really am crazy, at least someone else is alive enough to be crazy in the same way I'm sorry for the pain you're going through though.


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## Tanyawa (Jan 25, 2011)

Ben23 said:


> Reading your story is comforting, its like a reaffirmation of life. Glad to know that if i really am crazy, at least someone else is alive enough to be crazy in the same way I'm sorry for the pain you're going through though.


Look at the world around you. Is the world NOT crazy?

Absolutely! It is!

and so if any of us FEEL crazy, just remember we FIT right in with the rest of society....cause society IS crazy!

What kind of society worships money and then allows other people to starve?

now THAT is insane if you REALLY think about it.

If you can SEE that the above 2 sentences are true than I would say you are NOT crazy at all........you are aware.

I could point out a shit load of crazy stuff about society as a whole..............crazy people are only people we project our own craziness on so we don't have to own it


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## sunyata samsara (Feb 18, 2011)

elizadayk said:


> Is it fear that does this? I wonder that. Is something inside us freaking out because we've changed and there is no more reason to fret and worry? I often blame it on my 'false ego' or what have you. Basically my brain and it's thought patterns.


I think so. I think its the ego trying to hang on. I think DP is the truth and our conditioning is trying to hang on. I appear very calm yet on the inside my energy is berserk.


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## TheGame (Feb 1, 2011)

Writing is good for looking at your thoughts at a distance and really realizing how irrational some of the actually are..
And i talk to myself all the time to sort of reasess myself and calm myself down in the really panicy times so no worries your not mad


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