# What is wrong with me?



## ramsaii (Sep 12, 2008)

About 5 years ago, I decided I would smoke some pot with a couple of friends. It was about the third time I had smoked, but I had never had an experience like this one. I felt terrible the entire night, and had very bad hallucinations from it, and felt like I was losing control of my body. I knew that it was just the drugs playing tricks on me, but the whole night I was struggling trying to fight the way I felt, and to get back to feeling normal again. I went to sleep that night, thinking everything would be okay after that point, but it wasn't. The next day, I felt strange still, and was scared to death about it. I went through this for about a week.

After about a week or so, I felt a lot better, but I still felt strange at times. School came around, and I was a Senior in high school. During the first couple of weeks of school, I was chewing some gum, and I laid my head down on a desk. I was starting to doze off, and then realized that the gum was no longer in my mouth. I didn't know if I had swallowed it, or maybe I was choking and didn't know it (I know that I would have known if I was, but I was still scared). I started feeling extremely strange. My hand, mostly on my pinky and ring finger of each hand, started to feel numb. My tongue felt almost completely numb, and I thought I was dying. I felt the way I did when I had the bad experience with pot. It eventually passed, or at least that much of it, and I have later learned that it was a panic attack.

To this day, I still have panic attacks, where I feel extremely out of it. Lights seem extremely dim, and voices become extremely clear. I feel like a robot, and that I need to fight to stay "sane". I still have panic attacks, though not near as often, however the panic attacks are not my biggest complaint. Ever since the terrible experience, I have felt like my arms and legs are no longer my own. It's extremely hard to describe. I can't focus too much on one thing, such as a book, unless I really am not thinking about having a panic attack. There are times when I feel better than others, but I never feel "completely" okay. My movements are jerky, and it always seems as though I'm seeing everything within a sort of fog. I worry about it all the time, and this is when it leads me to panic attacks, which I have had that have lasted for five or six hours at times.

Like I said, I don't have the panic attacks as much anymore. I have learned to deal with them, and when one comes on, I can usually stop it. The problem, however, is I still always feel weird. I always feel like my body is not my own, even though it is. I feel dizzy often, and I get extremely nervous about my condition.

I'm so scared that I'm going to feel this way forever. I just want to be able to feel the way I used to before. It's hard to remember what "normal" felt like, but I know it was nothing like this. I don't know if what I have is DPD or not. If it was DPD, would I feel this way almost all the time? I usually feel okay right after I wake up, or when I keep my mind off of things, but then I start thinking that I will never feel okay ever again, and it frightens me into feeling worse.

If someone could help me out, I would really appreciate it. I don't know what to do, and it's getting to the point that it's hard to bear, even if it isn't as bad as it was a few years ago.

Thanks a lot.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

It sounds to me like you have it. Pot causes dpd in many people.
I you red around this site you will find many people in a similar situation.

In my opinion, at this point you must be able to face you dpd without fear.
Going to see a professional will make that easier. You can do it on your own.

Take everything in your mind that is related to dpd and put it in a box in you brain then put a lid on it.
Then educate yourself about dpd and get to know some people on this site.

This will put it into the rational world.

Then you open he box and face things one by one. Head on.
The fear. Especially of going mad.
The terror.
The panic.
The depression.
What ever bothers you.

Kill them off one by one

Then you will have this little box of dpd that is actually harmless and is not busy working on you. 
It?s what you think of it that is causing the problem.

Then you journey to recovery begins.

So make lots of friends and post a lot.

Oh and get something like clonazepam that stops panic attacks. Just having something you can go to if need be helps.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Great reply Mark, respect.


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## ramsaii (Sep 12, 2008)

Thank you very much for your reply. It means a lot to hear positive remarks from someone, and better yet to find out I am not alone. I came across this disorder earlier this week, and up to this point I have always "known" that I was the only person who feels like this. It's the strangest feeling, and almost impossible to describe to my friends and family.

Some of the symptoms I have experienced are:

- Loss of appetite (I'm a 22 year old male, however I only weigh 120 pounds)
- General Anxiety Disorder (Which I have been diagnosed with for sure)
- Extreme dizziness/lightheadedness which isn't there always, but it comes at times, and sometimes very quickly for just a few seconds
- Difficult to concentrate

Other than these symptoms, I have noticed other things about myself. I was wondering if anyone else could relate to the following:

- If I move my hands away from my eyes, so that I cannot see them, it feels very strange when I move them. I know I am moving them, but I guess it just doesn't "seem" (for lack of a better word) so.
- Whenever I wake up in the morning, I feel much better with my panic disorder and strange feelings, however it only lasts for close to 10 minutes after I wake up. This causes me to think that maybe the disorder is closely linked in with my panic disorder. It would make sense, seeing as both started at the exact same time.
- If I take a "very" hot bath, it seems to make me feel better. The warmth on my skin makes me feel more "here" than when I am just sitting around.
- I feel strange only in 3 parts of my body, my hands, my toes (just a little), and my head. This is for the most part at least. My hands and toes specifically do not feel like they are my own.
- My vision is "foggy". The colors you see when you close your eyes, for example, are there when I have my eyes open.
- Light has a huge effect on the way I feel. If I am sitting outside, and the sun is starting to set, then I will feel my worst when the light gets dim. In complete darkness, or sunlight, I seem to feel better.
- On a day when I am happy, the symptoms are much lesser than usual. It seems if I get depressed, the symptoms are worse.
- Finally, the symptoms get much worse when I start to worry myself over the symptoms. For example, if I start thinking things like "No one else feels this way", or , "I'm going to feel this way for the rest of my life. I'll never be normal again", everything gets worse.

There are many other things, however I figured it best to start with just a few. To me, I believe DP (at least in my case) is closely related to depression. I've never taken medicine for either my panic disorder, or depression. If I get depressed, it seems to spark DP like sensations, which in turn sparks panic attacks.

I'm curious of if anyone can relate to the symptoms I listed above, and also to the way things flow for everyone else. for me Depression ----> DP ----> Anxiety Attacks.

Thank you for all future replies, as well as for a site like this I can turn to. Being the only person in the world with a problem is devastating, but speaking with others who know exactly how I feel makes it bearable.


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## recover (Aug 9, 2008)

I second mark. You have DPD and more of an anxiety induced DP. I HAD ALL THE SYMPTOMS you posted.

Talk to a psychologist and work on the anxiety, it will get better, it is your mind, so stop obsessing over yourself and focus on external things. Its easy said than done. But once you realize that you will start your recovery.

You will get better, just trust and work hard, someone wrote, its like prepping for a marathon, it is! But you feel, you can do anything once you beat this out!

Good luck..


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## recover (Aug 9, 2008)

One correction for me the loop is

Anxiety -> More Anxiety -> DP -> Depression (lasted very short) -> Anxiety (Repeat)


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## ramsaii (Sep 12, 2008)

Thanks Recover.

I'm planning on seeing a psychologist soon. I believe it will help a lot. This is the only thing stopping me from doing the things I love to do. It's good to have a place to turn.


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