# Hello..new and looking for advice



## closetome

I am a 21 year old male from Arizona. I have been smoking weed for around 4 years and felt fine. 3 weeks ago though I took ecstacy and felt like I never really came down (flashbacks) A week later I then smoked weed and contunued to feel like I was still on ecastacy and drank a lot of alcohol and then the depersonaliztion happened (Didn't recognize myself in the mirror, racing thoughts, paranoia, anxiety) along with a feeling of a grip around my head and not feeling situated in the right place of my brain which gradually went. After a week I started to feel better and then went out and got drunk two nights in a row and these feelings came back. Its now been two weeks and although the feeling of the grip around my head and the racing thoughts have gone I'm still feeling the DP. On one day I feel great and then the next its back. Can anyone tell me when this will go and when it will be safe to start drinking again and IF THESE FEELINGS ARE TO DO WITH THE CHEMICALS IN MY BRAIN RETURNING TO NORMAL. This has been an incredibly scary experience..


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## flowingly

i know a speech is not what you're looking for, so i'll spare you; however, drugs are known to lead to dp and dr, and for the "lucky ones" both can go away if they can stop their habits. those without that luck serve a life sentence of dp and dr. if you realize you feel horrible after the drugs, wouldn't it make a little sense to try and avoid them? perhaps just for a little while? give your brain a little breathing room. don't make choices that you will regret later. find a balance. i'm in my 20s, too, so i know it's not fun to sit at home on the weekends and watch TV-- you want to go out. but try to find a balance?


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## closetome

Mistake


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## closetome

I believe that my depersonaliztion was a result of depression, leading to anxiety. Thinking of the depersonlization as a veil of illusion is helping me and also knowing that my true self is still here. Thinking that drugs had changed my mind and that thinking about my depersonalizaiton would some how engrain this madness into my mind forever didn't!!!!!! I have found talking to my docter and talking through my life before depersonaliztion with a counciler has helped me to relax and get things into persepctive enormously. I have decided to stear well clear of drugs in the future but would have no problem drinking when my anxiety, depression has ceased to exist.
Peace


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## AmIReallyReal

Hey man I can relate, and this is my first post on the boards.
I'm a 20 year old and I've been experiencing Derealization/Depersonalization now for a month and a week. Whats strange is my onset has come a month after an intense psilocybin mushroom trip. I had done LSD once a year ago and suffered to a tremendous 36 hour trip but fully recovered (I think) a few months afterwards. I've smoked weed consistantly for the past 3-4 years and weekly before that. After quitting smoking pot and only drinking for close to a month, I was driving home one day and DR/DP settled in. I can think so far into my own head that it twists/distorts reality and causes me to get what many trippers consider "The Fear" AKA extreme panic attacks. I am not depressed and have no family history of mental illness. I went to my General Practioner at the onset of this problem (scared the living shit out of me utill I wikipedia'd my symptoms). I was given Burspar for long term and 90 Xanex 0.25mg tablets for 3 weeks untill Burspar kicked in. The Xanex nearly alleviated the panic attacks although many times I had to take 2 or even 3, sometimes 4 before I stopped getting arednaline rushes from swift constant perception shifts. It has been 3 weeks now after seeking GP help, I have no xanex left and the Burspar is hardly enough to combat my panic attacks. As for the Dissociative effects, the only that really helps me man is drinking. :? So I don't know how to relate? drinking seems to make my depersonalization/derealization disorder completely dissapear, but then again I don't suffer from depression, I live a very full life I just feel like its not real and not my own.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week and hopefully a psychotherapist soon, the information on this website has given me some hope in recovering through therapy, which has rarely helped me in anything else in the past.
Anyways, good luck, hope it goes away for both of us. I'm still wandering in the mist.


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## closetome

Hello. Scrub what I said in that last post. I am now certain that the reason I have been experiencing DP is because of ecstacy. For two years I had held back from taking it and had a lot of scary preconceptions about it and finally decided that I was ready but I obviously wasn't. I would descirbe what I have been feeling as a type of trauma, like one of my nightmares as a child, that someone has some how played a trick on me, that I am constantly watching myself but not recgonizing anything.

I have stoped feeling like there is a glass shield between myself and the rest of the world and am a a lot clearer about what has been going on. Being diagnosed with depression was a farce and I since have found a lot of comfort from talking on the phone to a man that had these same symptoms but worse after taking LSD. He said plenty of exercise and a good diet and no substance abuse would help it go away. I think the best part of what has happened is getting better and also having my opinion changed about drugs.....


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## closetome

adreniline rushes from swift perception shifts is a great way to describe what i've been feeling

another good way of describing this is that I didn't feel like i came down fom ecstacy, kept having flashbacks and then remained in a state of limbo and scared the shit out of myself

keep ur thoughts coming friend!!!


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## closetome

I've just had another scare after feeling better for a couple of days and this has caused me to re evaluate whats happened to me. Here goes

When I was on ecstacy there was a tremendous feeling of not really being in control and and then it was kind of like fight or flight...i took the second one and it left me feeling severely traumatized, withdrawn and out of control (feeling like i'm on drugs, adreniline rushes). Recovery for me has consisted of jogging, not taking any more drugs/alcohol and most importantly, i think, understanding why I have been feeling this way. As far looking in the mirror I feel like its not that I've neccesarily not recognized myself just that I've not engaged with myself...
Right now I have a really bad tension headache and am still feeling strange but I feel like I've taken back control...

This has really been a horrible experience....... :shock: peace


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## closetome

So...The intense adreniline rushes, tension headaches have gone and the depersonalization to a certain extent.

But I feel like I'm not in the driver's seat and still do not recognize myself in the mirror or have to much identification with myself.

My docter says I might have cannibus induced psychosis..does anyone have any knowledge of this? I also am being offered medication but I don't want to turn into a zombie...


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## closetome

Hey. First of all I just want to say that I think what I've been experiencing is psychosis and depersonalization is just a part of it but heres what I really want to say....

About three weeks ago at abouot 4am in the morning I started to feel incredibly aroused..not over nething...just that incredibly excited feeling and everytime I breathed in and out I got the same thing...This feeling of aousal remained for a day and a half and I'm glad because the feeling when I breathed actually started to be painful....I know that one assumption is that "psychosis" can be caused by excess dopamine in the brain............dopamine is the neurotransmitter for aousal...after this arousal some of my symtoms went away.....does neone have nething ideas about this?

The reason why I mention this now is I've just had a very weird sensation in the left side of my chest like an orgasmic, yet slighty painful stretch and the mental symtoms seem to go away with these phsyical symtoms....very strange.....

I would like to ask other people that are experiencing these things after taking drugs if they felt like they never came down from the drug, like they were in a state of limbo???

its been 2months 2weeks for me now.

please reply.


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## closetome

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucinog ... n_disorder

Very interesting. This makes me feel so much more positive.


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## Lynch_mob

closetome said:


> I am now certain that the reason I have been experiencing DP is because of ecstacy. For two years I had held back from taking it and had a lot of scary preconceptions about it and finally decided that I was ready but I obviously wasn't. I would descirbe what I have been feeling as a type of trauma, like one of my nightmares as a child, that someone has some how played a trick on me, that I am constantly watching myself but not recgonizing anything.
> t drugs.....


I went 2 years not knowing that this "fog" had a name and met someone by a fluke chance that had similar symptoms, we talked and ended up finishing each other's sentences. We had both mixed LSD and Pot, ended up with the same perception of everything around us. It was wierd because we both felt ashamed. Weird? why would we experience this?, I know for a fact i feel the same as you, Closetome, i feel like somone played a trick on me as well. and that i am constantly watching myself but, "not reconizing anything" this is weird. Could we all be at the same place somewhere in our brain, or "mind" Having this happen to me i really understand the power of the brain and mind. and made me rethink everything

I feel less lossed knowing about this and other's knowing as well.


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## closetome

I'm not SURE I have that. I have been given a good prognosis for recovery and am very slowly feeling better. Will keep you updated. I'm actually being treated for a drug induced psychosis.


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## CECIL

Its quite strange you would freak out on Exctasy because its always been a very positive experience for me (1 bad trip but with good friends I managed to come out of it). At any rate, since you said you have Depression/Anxiety issues I would be more inclined to think those were the underlying factors contributing to you experiencing DP now, while the drugs were just the final straw/catalyst.

But it would be a good idea to steer clear of mind altering substances for a while and get your other issues sorted out as well.


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## closetome

I didn't freak out on ecstacy. I actually had a good time but I would never do it again as I think pills are dirty and I'd prefer a natural high. Once again, m experiencing of depersonalization is due to a drug induced psychosis. I think this whole experience could have been avoided if I'd payed attention to the slight symptoms I was experiencing after the ecstacy...its just I went out and got stoned, runk, recovered after a week and then went out and got hammered again two nights runnning. 
I'm still recovering very steadily and will update you all when I recover.
I never have really had depression/anxiety issues..its more lonliness.....
The thing thats really pissing me off is the emotional addiction to weed I have got and I'm going to an addiction centre to talk that over. If I do ever smoke it again it certainly won't be the super skunk that all they're producing these days!
Thanks for replying.


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## CECIL

closetome said:


> I didn't freak out on ecstacy. I actually had a good time but I would never do it again as I think pills are dirty and I'd prefer a natural high.


Ah yeah, that makes sense. They often put a lot of other stuff in the pills too, like speed/heroin 

Ok then, good luck with the addiction centre etc


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## closetome

You know? The biggest problem I have know is this....

After this happened it was so refreshing to not care about smoking weed anymore but now I can stop deliberating whether I'm going to do it again and I've start planning when I'm going to start drinking again and such things....this really gets on my nerves. I KNOW That weed has done so much damage to me over the last couple of years and all my common sense tells me not to do it again but theres still that thing that tells me I should.

Can you relate to this? Or have any advice?


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## CECIL

Yes I can relate to that, because I have had similar experiences. When I was feeling depressed and DP I would smoke up knowing that weed (or alcohol) would make it worse. I was addicted for quite a while.

I guess its just a matter of looking at why you are smoking and have a look at that. For example I was in a job I hated, then quit that job and became unemployed. Needless to say getting stoned fills the time quite well and/or takes your mind off of things that are annoying you.

Change those things and you can begin to alleviate some of the reasons you are smoking.


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## closetome

You know Cecil? I'm depressed but I wouldn't describe myself as a depressed personality if you understand. I never knew things could become this strange. I hate where I live, I hate all my so called friends with the exception of a few which I havn't seen in 3 months. the psychosis element I'm sure is getting better but I hope that this is the end of something and I can move on and be happy. I have defo nipped smoking weed in the but. It causes more stress then its worth. I got so down and angry last night I didn't know what to do with myself. I want to be around kind hearted people who I can relate too rather than whos around me now.

You know? In a couple of hours I have to go for root canal surgery whilst recovering from a psychosis....... :twisted: what more can I say? One of the nurses used to be my next door neighbour and her positivity drives me up the fucking wall.

None of my friends ever fone me up or initiate conversations with me online and I wander why? You know? Theres this girl and we're not great friends but for years I've asked her all the right questions, made jokes and such and then I stopped doing that for a couple of minutes and she says? "so are you thinking of going back to peru"? and it was like 5 moths ago that i went there........This is so strange!


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## closetome

I wrote this today:

I feel like I have tripped up and ?for the life of me? I can?t get back up. I feel like the string of life has been cut and it won?t re attach. I feel like I?m swimming in an ocean of abstract ideas and I can?t grasp any of them. I AM IN LIMBO. I calm myself right down through meditation and then look around and there is an intangible fear there about nothing at all. The more I relax the more I realize how fearful I am in the face of this horrible situation. I just can?t ?touch down? One great step was thinking about my friends who I was with at the time this happened. Instead of thinking about them in a negative way I asked myself ?What do I love about so and so?? and it felt great. Going to a new place like the seaside gave me the chance to calm down and it felt fantastic to re connect with myself and my friend?s perception of me but the feeling didn?t go away entirely. I have been arrested of the ?I? This feels like an impossible task or a complex maths equation but it is getting better. When my friend nearly crashed his car I felt like I was in the front seat when I was actually in the back and I think this is the same.


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## closetome

I know this might sound.....meh....but I just went into deep meditation and I realized just what a strong clamp this dp is on my mind. I payed close attention to the movements in the brain and studied how different thoughts make different movements. I thought very carefully through the events over last three months.................. :shock:

FEAR IS YOUR WORST ENEMY is what I was told by a drugs counciler and I'm strating to realize (in the truest sense of the word" this. I even had fear about this site because I thought I would not get better if I was constantly checking it........For me this is about coming to terms with what has happened.

I thought I had lost my personality for ever and it felt like my friend's had somehow played a trick on me. I'm coming to terms with all that fear.


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## CECIL

That's good to hear Closetome. Fear is and always will be the biggest barrier for any human endeavour. It can and will paralyse you in many different ways if you allow your fear to control you.

"For me this is about coming to terms with what has happened. " - yep, this is a great opportunity to go back and recap your life and recent events


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## closetome

so....it's been around 5 months and the depersonalization has nearly all gone......my brain hurts, it's been such a long journey

in some ways the worst thing that could have happened to me was to find this site because it made it seem like I could think my way out of the condition which I couldn't. It was a mild psychosis.

All that stuff about fear is all bullshit, it was just me trying to rationalize what had happened to me.

Even before this depersonalization/psychosis I was miserable and abusing alcohol and drugs and I was alone and I still am now. It's hard to believe how a person can get themselves into this situation.

I won't be smoking weed again and am just going to concentrate on becoming happy. As soon as this thing struck me down all I wanted to do was find out the answer to the "puzzle" of my experiencing depersonalization.....there isn't one really. Depersonalization, for me, is a symptom. Stop looking so inward. Doing is better than thinking. Try skipping and it really does help.

Well.....right now I'm looking out my window, it's dark and cold and there's noone about....a bit like me. I'm sure I will be making a complete recovery within the next few days........
so long.............

p.sI'm reminded of the words i got given from a drugs counciler whilst walking out of the clinic "fear is you worst enemy" and i didn't pay attention at all but it really is
peace friends :roll:


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