# 'At Last A Life' by Paul David



## MissLana

I just bought the Kindle edition of 'At Last A Life' by Paul David. He suffered from crippling anxiety, panic, and depersonalization for ten years and his recovery didn't begin until 10+ years after he got caught up in this downward spiral of anxiety.

In his book, he writes that he has been from therapist to therapist, psychiatrist to psychiatrist, and from medication to medication. He even got acupuncture, tried supplements, and said he tried everything under the sun to rid himself of his depersonalization and anxiety.

In his book, he states that every single psychiatrist offered him no help and even tried cramming meds down his throat that made him worse in the long run.

Then, he went to a therapist who specialized in these sort of anxiety disorders, and the therapist told him something that was the #1 most influential comment he had ever heard from any doctor...

"You will not get better until you stop trying to get better"

He, like many of us, did drugs as a young adult, and, on top of drug use and his increasing anxiety, he landed himself in a depersonalized and anxious state for ten years. He, like many of us, was constantly on the prowl for an instant fix and a cure. He, like us, spent hour upon hour researching and reading and battering his already tired out mind with topics surrounding his anxiety.

Then, a doctor told him to just stop trying to get better. And, guess what? He did.

Truth is, even though a lot of people on here claim they don't feel stress or anxiety, and 'feel nothing' or 'have no feelings', that doesn't mean it doesn't take a toll on the brain. I believe that DP/DR is a combo of biochemistry and mentality. Yes, all the stress you go through can manifest itself as fatigue, high adrenaline, and other things which work against the brain and wear it out to a point where the brain just wants to become numb and stop feeling all the stress. Yes, the adrenals, thyroid, and pituitary gland can all be affected by stress, so, it is VITAL to just shut your stress up before finding some magical cure.

How are you going to cure something when all of the stress you're currently producing is wearing out physical aspects that are vital in normal body function? And if you're one of those people who claim to not feel anything, then, perhaps the stress of the depersonalization and not being connected to your feelings has caused you to dissociate even more from everything, plunging you even deeper into numbness and dullness. From this point, it is VERY hard to dig yourself out of the hole you have dug because your brain is so detached that it isn't even capable of pushing through the stress and working it all out.

For example: Say you were being put through a high level of pain. At first, it would be painful and horrendous, but, what happens when you go through prolonged periods of time dealing with high levels of pain? The body can go into shock because the body literally says "No thanks, I'm gonna zone out because I'm tired of giving a crap about the pain"

This can happen emotionally.

In his book, David mentions that the first step in getting out of depersonalization and anxiety is almost like a detox. You need to feel your pain, not numb yourself from it or hide away from it. You need to put yourself in the most uncomfortable situations you've ever been in and you need to be OK with that. You need to go out, and socialize, and have fun, even if you feel like it's going to kill you. You need to basically be OK that you feel weird, and bizarre, and full of anxiety / or numbness and emptiness. You need to embrace it and be its friend. Stop looking for that cure, stop thinking about it, stop caring, and learn to live alongside all of this BS and just stop feeding it.

Stop thinking that this pill or that pill will magically cure you. Stop wanting a cure in the first place. Go along with your day, feeling like absolute hell, and like an absolute mess, and be OK with that. I know it's hard but maybe there's truth in that statement -- "You will never get better until you stop trying to get better"

For some people, I think this also may mean to give DPSH a break for a while. While a lot of people on here genuinely come looking for help, cures, and solutions, a lot of people come here and use this as an outlet to complain about how bad their life is and how they'll never get better. I mean no disrespect. I complain and have a mental breakdown every now and then and that's healthy.

But, perhaps, the 'cure' is within all of us. Yes, I do think it's a combination of brain chemistry and psychology. But even if they found some magic pill for DP/DR, how far do you think someone would get if they weren't facing their problems, their anxiety, or even their numbness or lack of feelings? Whether you're frustrated because your reality feels weird, or you feel weird, or even if you feel like you feel nothing, these things ALL have to be worked out. We all have a dragon to slay, and honestly, I don't think many of us will be able to slay it if we are on here, looking for some magic cure.

Conquer your anxiety, stress, or your feelings / lack of feelings, and dig yourself out of the hole you're in, and then look into possible cures or remedies. Because I can promise you, I was SO close to recovery two months ago. I was so close that I felt like I would be cured in a few days or maybe even a week. I was so close to feeling normal again, even closer than I feel now. I felt great. I was like 5% away from feeling 100% again.

So, what happened? I went on here. I read about people having this for 10+ years or 20+ years and I had a panic attack. I felt like I went insane, reading the posts, wondering if I'd have it for years and years and years...

And that 5% away from recovery feeling? Jumped back up to 40% or so. So yes, stress is a HUGE part of this. Stress and trauma. I was so close to being recovered, so, SO close, but, I traumatized myself by thinking about "what if....." and I truly regret it. Most of you are probably traumatized. Whether it's drug related or about life issues, generalized anxiety, etc., it all has to do with trauma and stress. Even all of the horror stories we've all read online about DP/DR probably resulted in a lot of us being traumatized over the thought of this being forever, or lasting decades. STOP THE TRAUMA. I am living proof that trauma and severe anxiety can worsen this. I was so close to feeling normal. I was so happy, too, that I almost felt normal. Then, I went online and started reading about people having this disorder for years upon years and it literally quadrupled from the stress and worry of me ending up as one of those people...

There is no magical pill or solution for trauma. There are things you can take and things you can do to lessen your anxiety but the trauma is still there, buried underneath the comforting blanket of medications, herbals, and whatever else you're taking. It still has to be worked through. It's a monster that has to be dealt with. And yes, there were times in my journey when I did feel numb and like I lacked feelings, but, there were certain things that I was able to do that managed to bring these feelings / sensations back up to the surface and after a while of feeling empty and emotionless, you know what I found? I've found that once those buried feelings and emotions resurfaced, I'd cry and scream and get so angry, because, those feelings were ALWAYS there. The depersonalization that we feel stops us from feeling them, sometimes, or working through them, because we're too scared to feel those things... but we need to. We really need to let it all out and let it all go no matter how hard it seems to be.

So, please do yourself a favor and try getting off of DPSH for a while, concentrate on your problems, your anxiety, your emotions, and just go head to head with this scary dragon and try to slay it once and for all.

I also highly recommend the book 'At Last A Life' -- it really was eye opening. I'm only about half way through, but, it's had a huge impact and I'm going to talk to my therapist today about all the inspiring methods and techniques he mentions in his book.

Also:: I already knew this, but, in the book, the author talks about how adrenaline and the fight / flight is a HUGE factor in our stress, anxiety, and depersonalization.

Adrenaline gets produced when we sense panic or a need to fight or flee. In DPed people, the DP itself is usually the thing we're trying to flee from, but, this usually makes us want to crawl into a cave rather than fight or flee from something. When adrenaline keeps being produced in high amounts, the body is physically expected to respond so it can burn out of the system. However, since we're not fighting or fleeing... the adrenaline just courses through the body and doesn't get burned out.

One good way to burn excess adrenaline is to exercise every day to burn your extra adrenaline out of your system. This not only burns adrenaline, though. You will release some feel good endorphins, some of your hormones will level out, your adrenals will start feeling better, and, exercise helps anxiety and depression. Exercise is the best natural way to take care of high levels of adrenaline. Take it from me. I have an autonomic dysfunction (Dysautonomia), and, part of my disorder is that my brain has some faulty signal coming from my overactive sympathetic nervous system, telling me to produce too much adrenaline even when I'm not in fight / flight mode or particularly stressed. So, part of my disorder is basically dealing with copious amounts of adrenaline. I can't help it, and, it's a faulty glitch in my body. Relaxing or meditating for me has never been easy because there's still that signal, telling me to produce adrenaline a whole lot!

Sounds a lot like what some people with DP/DR have, huh? Well, my doctor told me at the autonomic dysfunction clinic that I go to, that, and I quote: "Exercise will burn off your excess adrenaline and is almost like a 'cure' for your disorder"

I, like many of you, don't feel like exercising, but, several doctors have told me that weeks of steady exercise can help regulate adrenaline production, stress, anxiety, hormones, etc.

So, I urge all of you to try to exercise, even if you have to drag yourself out of bed to do it, because, I promise you that if you have excess adrenaline like I do, it is much better to burn it out of your body rather than letting it circulate and make you feel panicky and on edge. I would also like to note that 1-3 exercise sessions isn't going to steadily regulate these functions... you really need to keep it up. I know, I know, it's god awful to think about exercising 45 mins - 1 hour every day, but, it WILL level out your adrenaline and release endorphins which is something a lot of us need a lot more than being on the internet, always reading about our problems, and searching for a cure.

My two cents.


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## Jurgen

What about depression?


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## Jurgen

That may seem like a stupid question, but I just want to know if his experience was initially accompanied with severe depression without the need for DP


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