# I don't know if I belong here



## shay143 (Jan 21, 2011)

I found this sight through looking up symptoms of depression and anxiety and its been really interesting but I'm still at a loss as to what is wrong with me. I don't think I have DR, but DP...maybe idk. When I was 3, my unmedicated bipolar mother took me to live with her and there was sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from then till I was old enough to leave home. Everyone thinks I'm tramatized from the sexual abuse and don't get me wrong, I don't down play its effects but I think the other abuse caused my ptsd and depression. When I was 5, I started floating on the ceiling as if I was watching somone else be abused. I don't leave my body to that extreme today but sometimes I don't feel like I'm really in it either. my vision distorts, sometimes my legs look 2 or 3 times their actual size or my eyes seem to sit back in my head so far that I can see the outline of my cheeks, lips and eyebrows. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have overwhelming feelings of fear around my daughter dying or going into a comma. I have never really had a problem with my past keeping me from functioning on the level it is now. I don't know if I'm just now realizing it and things around me have always been this bad or if I'm really getting worse and just can't deny it anymore. I feel like I'm going to end up back in the hospital. I don't feel a lot of emotions, sadness and a feeling of being lost or not fitting in is really all I feel. I never thought I lost chunks of time until my therapist asked, but when I was telling my bf that atleast I was able to answer no to those questions, he informed me that I do lose time, and that I zone out so bad that I am not really here, I have no idea of what is going on around me for an hour or two at a time. He said he is fearful and worries all the time that I will zone out and get hurt or let my daughter get hurt because I forget she is here. That scares me the most, I thought I was a good mom, but now I question my ability to be alone with her and I cannot stand the thought of not being with her most of the time. Its very hard for me to function, simple tasks feel overwhelming, I can't focus for more than a few mins and I cant really handle doing more than one task at a time. My memory is horrible, I can't tell you what was said to me five mins ago when having a conversation. I forget things that I'm suppose to go, I forget we have a meeting on thursday and sunday nights, and we have been going to the same meetings for 7 years now. I'm so frustraited and scared, I feel like I don't know who I am or that I'm just a shell with a little girl inside of me trying to get out. I do have a few of the symptoms listed on this site, but there is more that I do not have than that I do have. I feel like I want to cry, sometimes sob for hours, but I never do. I think I have lost my ability to cry. Does anyone recognize what I'm going through? I'm really scared. Shay


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## Guest (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi Shay,

This is my second attempt at replying to your post. The first was just too scrambled. I'll try again. Best to keep it short.
It made me very sad to read about your childhood experiences. I can relate to pretty much everything you described. Unfortunately my childhood was very, very similar to yours.
Do you have any type of therapy? If not I would highly recommend getting some help with this one. Childhood sexual abuse is very difficult to work on by yourself.
You are not going crazy. What you are experiencing is your bodies way of protecting itself, the numbing of emotions and feelings. Your mind is doing what it is designed to do, protect itself.
I too have lost the ability to cry. It's very frustrating isn't it. Sometimes I'll get upset and tears will begin to well, then I just turn it off. The sadness has gone.
I believe you are definitely on the right forum. Have a look around, there are many interesting posts on here you just need to sift through them.
There is a lot more I could say however it's just not coming out of me very well at the moment. 
Pm me anytime if you wish too.

Take care,
Philos


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## shay143 (Jan 21, 2011)

Philos said:


> Hi Shay,
> 
> This is my second attempt at replying to your post. The first was just too scrambled. I'll try again. Best to keep it short.
> It made me very sad to read about your childhood experiences. I can relate to pretty much everything you described. Unfortunately my childhood was very, very similar to yours.
> ...


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

*Does anyone recognize what I'm going through? I'm really scared*

Yes, several of us understand this even from personal experience. You need not be scared (but it is a feeling you will have to work through). You are not going crazy.

You obviously suffer dissociation and can be confident that past abuse is the reason. It doesn't matter which of the three types you mentioned, it all caused the suffering back then and what you experience now. And it isn't all that important whether you call it DP, PSTD, or something else - how to treat it will be the same.

Like Philos, I too have an unsavory trauma past and have experienced a number of things that you mention such as the dimorphism (sometime the size of body parts looks different). As a child I lost time but fortunately not as an adult. Certainly fear had dominated my life.

*I thought I was a good mom*

You ARE a good mom since you love your daughter and are concerned about her welfare. The fear of her dying is probably concern that her life NOT become like yours was. Learning how not to loose time now will be the most important thing to change for her (and yourself).

*I have never really had a problem with my past keeping me from functioning on the level it is now. I don't know if I'm just now realizing it and things around me have always been this bad or if I'm really getting worse and just can't deny it anymore.*

The past defines us as a foundation. Yours has been a foundation of conflict and pain. Now you are beginning the process of resolving (integrating) that past chaos - rebuilding a foundation while standing on it. It is healing but even more painful than a broken bone. Unfortunately it's a job that needs to be done. Fortunately both you and your therapist have a good understanding of what is going on and can learn to guide this all smoothly.

*I don't know if I belong here*

You belong and are welcome. Many here suffer DP/DR from recreational drugs or prolonged stress. But there are other DP sources - such as what you are suffering. In the end, your visiting here will depend on how helpful YOU find it. There is a lot of good information and support.


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## shay143 (Jan 21, 2011)

Visual Dude said:


> *Does anyone recognize what I'm going through? I'm really scared*
> 
> Yes, several of us understand this even from personal experience. You need not be scared (but it is a feeling you will have to work through). You are not going crazy.
> 
> ...


thank you for your reply, it does make me feel a little better. you mentioned some words, integrating and dimorphism that I'm going to do some research on. It feels good just to know it has a name because that means its not just in my head. I've been told I will have to "grow up" my inner child because she seperated from me and still functions as a child, I'm hoping to find some posts about that here in hopes of understanding what that looks like. Does anyone know if there is a technical name for that process? thanks for the welcome to the board! Shay


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

shay143 said:


> thank you for your reply, it does make me feel a little better. you mentioned some words, integrating and dimorphism that I'm going to do some research on. It feels good just to know it has a name because that means its not just in my head. I've been told I will have to "grow up" my inner child because she seperated from me and still functions as a child, I'm hoping to find some posts about that here in hopes of understanding what that looks like. Does anyone know if there is a technical name for that process? thanks for the welcome to the board! Shay


The only word I've ever heard is _integration_ but perhaps it is outdated. At least it is descriptive


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

Shay it is heart wrenching to hear the pain you are going through. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. I hope you can find recovery soon. Are you receiving professional assistance? How is your support system? I think these play a huge role in recovery.


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## shay143 (Jan 21, 2011)

Cambella2002 said:


> Shay it is heart wrenching to hear the pain you are going through. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. I hope you can find recovery soon. Are you receiving professional assistance? How is your support system? I think these play a huge role in recovery.


I don't have a big support system but the one I have is very strong. I recently started seeing a therapist that I really like and then my family doctor for me meds. Is that what you mean by professional assistance? I've never been able to aford therapy, but this lady works with a christian counseling center that has a scholarship fund so I just have to pay 25.00 a week so I'm soooo greatful that I can finally get some help! It does sound heart wrenching to read about it, I guess I really don't think about it like that. I really don't feel any emotions at all toward it, so its not as bad today as it sounds. I have my good moments







I understand what your saying tho, if I read it about another person I would think the same thing. Its hard to see it for what it is (or how bad it is) sometimes. Its been my "normal" for so long that I forget how tragic it actually was. I love this site, I'm finding lots of posts I can relate to and thats something I've never been able to find before. shay


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

shay143 said:


> I don't have a big support system but the one I have is very strong. I recently started seeing a therapist that I really like and then my family doctor for me meds. Is that what you mean by professional assistance? I've never been able to aford therapy, but this lady works with a christian counseling center that has a scholarship fund so I just have to pay 25.00 a week so I'm soooo greatful that I can finally get some help! It does sound heart wrenching to read about it, I guess I really don't think about it like that. I really don't feel any emotions at all toward it, so its not as bad today as it sounds. I have my good moments
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*It does sound heart wrenching to read about it, I guess I really don't think about it like that&#8230;Its been my "normal" for so long that I forget how tragic it actually was.*

I understand what you mean. It took a long time to realize how bad my life was. When I got married, my wife was shocked by it - but to me it was just a different place and culture. Later when speaking to psychologists, only as I watched their jaws drop to the floor did I begin connecting the dots.

Even now I look at all these people suffering on this forum and think how much worse off they are - forgetting the serious situation I was in and am in.

'Normal' varies but 'healthy' is a much tighter parameter.


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