# Years of DPDR, lost years of my life, can't find any help



## lizbeth (Jan 22, 2018)

Hi,

I'll keep it short but have been dealing with this hell alongside clinical depression, panic attacks, extreme fear of people, extreme anger and irritability, binge eating etc etc. I've never found the right help and am not considered to have PTSD. I'm totally isolated and am completely untouched by the world -- nothing interests me as much as I try to do things, I can't achieve or follow through on anything. Every second is just surviving but no mental health professional seems to have any idea how much I've been suffering -- the reasons behind how this started are complicated and not what most MH professionals seem to categorize as traumatic. It's like if the reason isn't acceptable to them I'm not allowed to get help with the real symptoms I'm dealing with.

To be honest there are endless reasons for me to end it as I'm so isolated on top of everything else and can't untangle this on my own. I don't think I'll ever get the courage or drive to actually plan it properly and see it through though.

I am studying from home but with great difficutly, and I can't work. I do have an amazing friend but I'm scared i'll run him into the ground just by having these problems. I've started seeing a new therapist but I still wonder if I'll ever be able to get across how bad things actually are. Everyone I come across now seems to think I'm stupid because of how constantly dissociated I am.

My parents just seem to have accepted that I'm an idiot now despite being quite intelligent, imaginative and thoughtful before all this. They don't even seem to remember how I was before. It's like the last bit of self I have left is being trodden under and no one seems to fully conceive that I'm sick and not just 'lacking'. It really is a living nightmare and it feels almost bordering on dementia sometimes, despite being 27.

Sorry for venting-- but it is so hard and relentless and I just can't find a way to get any joy. I have no future whatsoever as it stands.


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## anniephantom (Jan 17, 2018)

Do you have any physical symptoms?


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

Sorry to hear, this isn't the end of the story however. This is just current situation. I'd suggest you to be pro active in finding the help you need.

I get therapy, i do, but i'd move GP, P Doc, pay what i had (and i am and do this) till someone understands, without the person treating you understanding, it's kinda well, someone giving you a sleeping tablet for a bruise, i know that makes no sense, but that's the point.

I don't know if you believe in medication. I am not saying it fixes everything, for some it does, but it can make things a whole lot better, all these things you are scared of can fade away. Your situation now, is not your future. Dp is not understood, neither is anxiety, i don't know where you are from, but i know in the UK anxiety disorders are treated as 'loops' and thought patterns, which I totally understand, talk to people all the time, who have these and this can be the case, but in some, it simply isn't. I also know from 14 odd medications, that it takes someone to work with you, patience, positive attitude and finding that one...

Sorry i can't help, i guess in a few words, don't let them pass you off, you are worth it, keep fighting, keep pushing.

Example, Therapy - well i have a blank mind, so therapy is just looking at someone and talking about either my DP or life, neither helps, just like a chat, neither get any rise from me, yet Mirtazapine (yep people here are sick to death with me mentioning it, but i am not talking about the Med itself, i've tried 14.. it's an example) ... within 3 months, different person, much closer to who i want to be... keep pushing


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## Sharon22 (Jan 10, 2018)

You're not alone. I understand every word you said. This condition makes us feel so alone and isolated. Please feel free to private message me if you need someone to talk to. I've had this hell for nine months now and everyday is just a fight to survive.

Sending love,

Sharon. XoX


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## lizbeth (Jan 22, 2018)

CK1 said:


> Sorry to hear, this isn't the end of the story however. This is just current situation. I'd suggest you to be pro active in finding the help you need.
> 
> I get therapy, i do, but i'd move GP, P Doc, pay what i had (and i am and do this) till someone understands, without the person treating you understanding, it's kinda well, someone giving you a sleeping tablet for a bruise, i know that makes no sense, but that's the point.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much everyone.

I will. I know you all know this and have to deal with it too, but I don't even seem to have the brain power to push to get help, I get confused all the time and am so forgetful. I have a friend who really is just incredible and is trying to get me to get a series of check ups in london including assessment for DP, I'll be staying with him to register at the local surgery etc -- it's in the only place in the country that can treat this. Once we've managed to get the right documents we will start it. But we have to get me there, neither of us can drive, it's going to take months and months on several waiting lists that is if we are successful, when I can barely walk to the postbox many days, and there's so many things I have to remember -- isn't it crazy that we have to fight and advocate for ourselves -- us against the world -- when it's like we have brain damage?

Sorry if I seem dramatic -- but that's how it feels. I will make sure I'm doing everything I can. Thanks again everyone -- it means everything to get responses from people who understand. I will do all I can.

I have been on a lot of meds before, a lot I'd never touch again, ever, but will see what else is there. WIll try that one!


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## lizbeth (Jan 22, 2018)

Thanks so much for the PM Sharon, just seen it -- I'll reply tomorrow when I've had a bit more sleep! thanks again xx


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

lizbeth said:


> Thank you so much everyone.
> 
> I will. I know you all know this and have to deal with it too, but I don't even seem to have the brain power to push to get help, I get confused all the time and am so forgetful. I have a friend who really is just incredible and is trying to get me to get a series of check ups in london including assessment for DP, I'll be staying with him to register at the local surgery etc -- it's in the only place in the country that can treat this. Once we've managed to get the right documents we will start it. But we have to get me there, neither of us can drive, it's going to take months and months on several waiting lists that is if we are successful, when I can barely walk to the postbox many days, and there's so many things I have to remember -- isn't it crazy that we have to fight and advocate for ourselves -- us against the world -- when it's like we have brain damage?
> 
> ...


You've got more in you than you think, you feel that way, but you'll surprise yourself.

My [Redacted] GP actually knew DP. So there is that. Ps, I've lived in [Redacted] for many years, not driving isn't a problem at all, download 'City Mapper'.. [Redacted] is very much designed that within a Tube and a short walk any GP or Hospital is easily reached. City mapper takes you from your door to where you want to go, showing you both the Tube and Buses, tells you when to get off, where to walk and even Uber, there is not thought process, it even tells you how long it takes.

Thing is, most don't have any brain damage, a lot of us have like myself have had MRI, CT scans, EEG which even a Neurologist told me would show up any irregularities, mine although I paid private said because I had these things and had no reason to see me, starting a physiatrist was the area for DP, from what we know it seems chemical.

Sometimes you got to keep trying. I'd also try for 2-3 months before saying it's not for you, best medication I took, it took 3 months for it work and for the side effects to start to ease, it actually made my DP worse before better, just something to note, unless you take an allergic reaction of course, for instance I took Lamotrigine and was in bed for a week with a Flu like thing and my GP said I couldn't continue and he was right, I couldn't have kept going even if i had wanted to, which I did.


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## lizbeth (Jan 22, 2018)

Hi, thanks for this reply, just seen it now. 

Yes, it's getting to and from London which is more of an issue but I'll sort that, might be able to just stay there for a bit 

I'm getting a prescription for mirtazpine now, so that's progress. I have developed a totally justifiable fear of medications over the years, after being drugged in a hospital with no choice and developing akathisa and oculargyrogrisis and other horrible things with weird names. It's also the fact that I know I can't trust the psych to actually listen to me when I report side effects even when they're pretty clearly related to the drug and then disappear immediately after I stopped taking them.

I know deep down that's there's probably no neurological reason, as in brain damage or anything like that. I actually had a CT scan at 17 and everything was okay then. I was sort of half-joking, but yes it does feel like that a lot.

Knowing where to go and what to do during the day when you don't feel like you can be of use to anyone and feel so terrified just being outside the front door is the hardest bit, especailly seeing as socialising is so important to deal with this and I really need a routine and to find out what I'm going to do... people don't know what to do with me. Have applied to some voluntary opportunities, even if just to try and learn something new and get in contact with people.

Thanks again and best wishes


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## lizbeth (Jan 22, 2018)

anniephantom said:


> Do you have any physical symptoms?


Hi, meant to reply to this before.

Um, I don't think so. I mean a lot of the dissociative symptoms feel pretty physical if you know what I mean, but I'm pretty sure there's no obvious neurological origin for this. I get migraines that put me in bed a couple of days a month, usually, but then so do some of my family members. I have wondered before if there's any significance in the fact that my Dad has epilepsy, as sometimes fits involve kind of dissociative states for some people with it...but I know I don't have it, really. I know really what led me to this point -- it's all psychological, although I guess there could be something else going on coincidentally that's making it worse...

What were your thoughts behind this? Thanks again x


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## lizbeth (Jan 22, 2018)

Just updating this (for myself if anything). I started taking mirtazipine at 15mg...knocked me out for 16 hours so am trying out the recommended depression dose of 45mg as obviously that's what i should have done in the first place. Hopefully I won't lose more days doing this... but seeing as I can't work atm anyway -- effectively chucking away weeks trying out medications safely at home is probably a better plan than carrying on like this.


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## pinggvin (Dec 16, 2017)

Its sad to read something like this, i can only offer u advice. i will copy my previous comment

Did the same, wasted bunch of money on tests, read almost every recovery topic on internet and possible causes. Problem is most likely in dopamine, since SSRI's and similar trash from that group doesnt even help or makes it worse ( it works with serotonin, and usually lowers dopamine). Or either you got too much mercury in your body which traveled in your brain also ( it also might be candida since its all related, or some virus or bacteria but i doubt those). 90% of recovery stories are the same. They eat healthy, exercise, think positive (all of which increase dopamine), and detox and they recovered. So if you and everyone else want to get cured, i can give u friendly advice exercise. Not just classic jogging and classic light exercises, but hard one. Strength exercises like pushups, running, martial arts, any kind of intense training. Do it every day for few days u will notice HUGE improvement. Also for heavy metal detox, most natural, cheapest, best working with fast results supplement is ZEOLITE. Buy powdered micronised zeolite (its kind of a rock) and drink it every day. Along with multivitamins, and intense training EVERY day ( you can add L-tyrosine and NAC which are great supplements for brain) you will get urself back. I read also some people get cured from drugs like Wellbutrin or Prozac since it works well with dopamine but i dont recommend those to anyone. i personally wouldnt touch those things with pole but however it might work for you


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Welcome to the club pal 

years wasted, opportunitys, friendships, adventures, experiences, all down the drain....and for what? Absolitely NOTHING!


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