# 2 years.



## noircandy (Oct 7, 2013)

Hi everyone. I'm not entirely sure where to start with this introduction, as I've stumbled upon this forum so many times looking for answers but always been hesitant to join. I think that after almost 2 years of debilitating depersonalisation that I just need reassurance, to find people who have felt the same way I have and that somehow, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I'll try to keep this short and sweet though.

My depersonalisation first became apparent at the beginning of 2012; I was heavily using substances back then for almost a year (hallucinogens, molly, speed and many more unfortunately). The first time it happened, I didn't even realise what it was. I was on my way to work and out of nowhere I just became trapped in a "bubble" from the rest of the world. Everything around me looked 2D, like a video game, and my hands didn't even look like they belonged to me. This continued to worsen until an incident in which I ended up in hospital after a mix of unknown substances at a festival (and one which I am still re-experiencing in my mind when my depersonalisation gets really bad). I had a complete break with reality; I felt a sensation of melting into the crowd and everything, not being able to distinguish my own body parts or voice from everyone else's. I completely stopped everything after that night though; alcohol, caffeine, smoking, drugs, anything you can think of, and since then, I have been plagued by panic attacks, anxiety and depersonalisation.

After that night (and of course the many months of heavy use leading up to that), my state of mind has never gone back to "normal" again. I have just been living in this transient existence, a constant state of dissociation where I'm separated from my thoughts, my body and my surroundings. I am disconnected from every part of myself that was once familiar. Depersonalisation is definitely a pernicious beast. Perhaps what scares me the most of all is floating above myself; my hands just become this foreign object to me when I'm having a really bad episode of it/or a panic attack. I'll move my mouth, but the words that come out aren't even mine, it's not me speaking. I am constantly looking down at myself to check that I'm still physically here and it's terrifying to notice that often, I am not.

There are moments where I will be having a conversation, or reading, or cooking, and suddenly stop. I can't function at all; I just have to sit there until the trance-like state dissipates. To me, depersonalisation is the closest that I will feel to not existing. It's as if every part of myself that makes me who I am, isn't there anymore. My perception is also warped at times, like the "Alice in Wonderland" effect where things appear larger or smaller than they really are, including myself. I went for so, so long without the aid of any medications, and religiously saw my psychologist once a week. However, none of this helped me and the dissociation just came back at me in huge tidal waves. After having a nervous breakdown and a flashback to the night mentioned above, I started seeing a psychiatrist and am currently on Valium (PNR), Seroquel (but trying to get off), Lexapro and Lamictal. I was so against taking any prescription medication for so long but I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like things are slowly getting better but my depersonalisation is still almost chronic and debilitating.

I feel like this doesn't even begin to cover what I'm feeling, but it's the best I can do without writing a novel. Thank you so much to anyone who actually reads this - it is so difficult to talk to anyone in my personal life about this because none of them have experienced anything like depersonalisation (and the amount of weird looks I was getting talking about it to them was ridiculous). I understand that you people have knowledge, and personal experience on this condition and that's exactly what I need. Anyway, thank you once again and I hope to hear from some of you and start feeling like a part of this forum. ^_^


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## noircandy (Oct 7, 2013)

Thank you so much Solomon. Nice to meet you and thanks the warm welcome. It's exactly that, I guess knowing that there are others who can relate to how I've felt makes me feel not so isolated. I'll definitely have a look at the links, they seem really helpful.


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