# Recovery & Smoking Weed After DP/DR Disorder



## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

hey guys.. not posted for a good while,

I got a sudden and relentless episode of DP in September last year, i had been smoking weed heavily for a year every day and could have never predicted such a strange thing to have happened to me, i had felt just fine in the months previous, nothing major had happened.

I was at such high levels of anxiety immediately as soon as i had the experience (i looked at my hands and just didnt feel like i was in control of them, they looked very strange.. like i had never seen them before and this induced my first panic attack, and the start of DP disorder) i had never experienced any feeling like it before.

I quit my heavy habit of weed straight away and had panic attacks every day for a very long time and just wasn't myself at all (for 3-4 months or so) a lot of other things were just not right.. vivid dreams every night, closed eye hallucinations.. I was overly aware of my conciousness and scared to death of everything i was experiencing in day to day life, didn't recognise myself in the mirror.. didn't connect or recognise other people.. and had so many haunting intruding thoughts teamed with uncontrollable brain chatter.

I had to take a month away from work after panicking at work.. I just slept so much, more than i had ever slept in my life. It felt asthough i had never lived before DP, my life before had completely disappeared, and a new DP filled life had started... memories were distant.. it's a very scary and difficult time to go through, especially when i had quit weed and i was supposed to be sober.

DP/DR i believe, is an altered state of consciousness, i also believe in consciousness specific memories... so when you are DP'd you cannot imagine how it would feel being out of it, and when you no longer have DP, you cannot imagine what DP is like anymore.

No words can truly describe how horrible it was to feel trapped within myself and so lost. My relationship suffered and no one could understand how i was feeling. I couldn't believe that i was still feeling so fucked up months after quitting weed. I still carried on feeling very different up to 5-6 months with a very up and down pattern of recovery.. 1 step forwards, 10 steps back.. I always kept a little bit of faith that things could get better from reading and watching videos. I started to slowly feel alot more comfortable with day to day life and my existence in the last couple of months.

I pushed myself to go back to football practice around 3 months ago after years of not playing which was very hard with the whole consciousness shit. i have also bought a bike and ride it down to work, i do alot of things that push me out of my comfort zone.

I of course had so many existential delusions, was very scared of alot of different things relating to existence, questioning everything.. but my biggest fears were the fact that i had a brain, and am nothing other than a brain.. body organs and the way we are alive... and also living on a planet, i couldn't comprehend life, and was very scared by it. I cannot stress enough how serious and sickening the whole experience was.

It has now been 8 months since my first experience and i am pretty much back to normal (just back to a comfortable way of living) Thinking about how scared i was and what i went through.. is still very strange and i sometimes do get a couple of moments where i feel quite spaced out.. I also do think about my conciousness maybe once a day.. a couple of habits that i guess i cannot forget.. but it does not make me panic anymore like it did, even when i feel quite spaced out and distant from myself... i can now look at my body and feel fine, and just generally feel alot better within myself...i can't explain what i went through, and i could not envision a recovery at the time or how it would feel.. but i kept on telling myself that the only thing that had change was my perception, and that it would get better.. things really do change for the better very slowly and i will continue to move forward as best i can.

I believe weed can really change your brain chemistry slowly, without you knowing.. and one day it can just completely go out of whack, but i still do not know the definite reason why it all happened.

I have been scared to write a recovery story because i just don't know when/ if DP may come back.. all i can say is that I have stopped taking multi vitimans now for around 3-4 months and i have incorporated caffeine back into my diet with no real problems, other than if i have too much and a little paranoia around energy drinks of the return of DP. I eat what i want when i want, drink water when i need to.. and try and sleep well, this is such a constrast to 8 months ago when i could only drink water, i was scared shitless and taking so many different multi vits in a very psychotic mind state.

I HAVE TAKEN NO PRESCRIBED MEDS OR HAD ANY COUNCELLING, any trips i did take to the doctors in the first few months were very unsatisfying and really hit home how difficult it is to have a mental illness and try to be understood by professionals, i always left feeling emptier and more misunderstood than before.

you can do it too without meds.. if i can you can, i really had no idea how i was going to recover but i did, DP cannot kill you.

I never quit smoking cigs and I have even tried weed 2-3 times after DP (around 6-7 months after it happened) I tried it in very small doses but didn't really like the experience much so i haven't tried it again or wanted to.

I am very glad i did this. I needed to do it for myself.. the last memories i had with weed were very good ones, and i couldn't really be happy at the time living my life without it... i still believed it could make me happy and didn't understand why it had changed.

I truely believe if you just use your intelligence, you can try weed again after DP if you have had marijuana induced DP... but you just have to take very very small doses and expect it to trigger your DP especially the first time.. you will have alot of anxiety around smoking and DP, so it will make you over-think things, and make DP more apparent when high.

Take care of yourself, take a deep breath & remind yourself everything is fine, do not try weed if you still feel heavily DP'd, only take it when you truly feel a lot more in control and ready. Take one hit on a small joint and no more.. stay in control as much as you can be while getting high... then when you try weed the second time, (still only taking 1 hit and taking care) you will have got the first time out of the way and anxiety will be a little less but still present. Be very very aware of how strong your product is, and how much you are taking... i smoked the strongest strains of weed very heavily for over a year, and when i tried smoking again after the 6-7 month break.. i only needed 1 hit on a very weak joint for it to trigger me into over-thinking and changing my conciousness to that high state which is trippy... so if you're thinking about taking a hit on a bong or pipe or taking more than 1 hit on a joint... think again, it will probably freak you out way too much to be able to handle.

The safer you are the sorrier you won't be

The same applies to caffeine, don't over do it this.. don't even have any if you're feeling anxious, as drinking caffeine can make any normal person anxious. and may be very detrimental to your mental health and recovery, just take care of yourself as much as possible 

When i tried weed again.. I just got really anxious and found it hard to relax with the experience. I didn't really enjoy it like i had before. I had alot of thoughts about the planet that were a little uncomfortable and started feeling quite awkward and anxious around my friends, which is out of character for me when high.. just weird. Nothing like when i used to smoke and enjoy it, so i've decided to not smoke, it is very important what i have said to take it slow.

When weed makes you feel like shit, you just don't wanna do it anymore 

Luckily i was very sensible with my approach and have had the opportunity to find out whether i want to smoke weed without any awful repercussions.

I will continue to post if i feel any better.. or have more updates in future but i truely do believe the worst of DP has faded, i just still have a couple of fears of it returning suddenly and me having no control of it, and i still am a deep thinker by nature.

It's unbelievable how the body can recover  enjoy the ride of recovering....

Many thanks for the support i have been given on this site in the last 8 months. Good luck, stay hopeful and move forward.. the DP journey is one that you will learn very much from. Once you give it time, and feel more comfortable you really will believe in your mental strength alot more than before and get back to the old you, just a more experienced version.

Drug induced DP has given me the tools to move forward without drugs in the future and to feel good about the decision.

Much love

Jodie

x


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Proud of you girl. ???????? and so happy for you.


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## Tymmo222 (Mar 27, 2015)

My perception is so fucked that I start to freak out whenever I take a step outside my house, it almost feels like it's a completely different country, I only left my house like 4 times (totaling like 2 and a half hours) since September 2014, I couldn't have a proper discussion with anybody for like 4 months, literally everything would freak me the fuck out, now that my mom has rearranged my room I started speaking to my old friends on Skype again, I have a little bit more control over my speech, but I still feel out of it, like I'm just hallucinating the whole thing... I don't know what to do, I don't want to take meds because I don't really feel stress and I don't have panic attacks (even tho a panic attack triggered it, but it was the only one I had)

I feel like I don't need to go seek for help other than on the Internet, like, a visit to the doctor would only make me even more freaked out about the whole thing...


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

Tymmo222 you can't stay inside your house forever, as nice as it sounds.. you do have to face life again like you once did, i believe its a very crucial thing to do... and only in time will things start feeling better, if you don't wanna see a doctor then don't (they don't help much anyway)


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## Tymmo222 (Mar 27, 2015)

I know I can't stay inside for the rest of my life, but when I look out the window it looks like a freaking painting to me, all of my muscles are soft and weak now because I've been sitting for the last almost 8 months, anyways, thanks for you insight, I know I'll recover no matter how hard I don't try


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## WILBUR (Aug 9, 2014)

Tymmo222 said:


> I know I can't stay inside for the rest of my life, but when I look out the window it looks like a freaking painting to me, all of my muscles are soft and weak now because I've been sitting for the last almost 8 months, anyways, thanks for you insight, I know I'll recover no matter how hard I don't try


I know that "world looks like a painting" feeling all too well, its seriously one of the scariest symptoms. sometimes I wouldn't leave my house for months at a time, only to take out the garbage etc. Start small and slowly start to do more stuff, its going to suck like hell at first, but its so worth it.

things I've found that have helped with the visual aspects of this disorder are benzos (low dose, taken only in extreme situations) and meditation\magnesium. minimizing your anxiety is key to getting rid of that.


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## Tymmo222 (Mar 27, 2015)

WILBUR said:


> I know that "world looks like a painting" feeling all too well, its seriously one of the scariest symptoms. sometimes I wouldn't leave my house for months at a time, only to take out the garbage etc. Start small and slowly start to do more stuff, its going to suck like hell at first, but its so worth it.
> 
> things I've found that have helped with the visual aspects of this disorder are benzos (low dose, taken only in extreme situations) and meditation\magnesium. minimizing your anxiety is key to getting rid of that.


 Thanks bruh, and what about your memory, mine is so messed up, I feel ''stuck in time'' like I first starting feeling dp/dr like yesterday, and everyday seems like it's the same day, like I just took a nap or something, things seem very distant and I feel like I don't remember shit even if I do, like my memories are hard to reach, will that come back with recovery?


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## Missmyself (May 26, 2015)

omg JODIE I cant express how much it is to know that someone was feeling the same way I am feeling now. I had Dp several years ago and I can honestly say how my dp feel now is the same but different thoughts. Its crazy how you said you had weird thoughts how you felt you were just a brain and organs etc thats how i feel like i just have a brain and eyes and that my body is just controlled by my thoughts Idk its so messed up i almost forgot what its like to feel normal again but i have hope now that you have fully recovered and were feeling and thinking the same weird thoughts as me thank you so much for your post..


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

I honestly believe you should not combat any of the weird feelings with other drugs, ride it out.. One of the main reasons you will feel thay your days merge into one will be your lack of experiences in your days.. If you go out and fill them up, in time you will come back to a normal routine.. Think about old people who just stay at home, they say the same thing dont know what day it is. Routine is really important, i still have fears of DP returning and also think about the planet and my conciouness aswell as me just being a brain... But its a lot less important to me now and i dont focus on it so much, recovery is long winded so you just gotta get on with real life, the more integrated you are the better it will be


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