# 15 and stuck



## Guest (Mar 22, 2011)

Hello there. My name's Annie. I'm 15 and live in Melbourne, Australia.

For the past year, I've been Googling "I feel like I'm in a dream", "nothing seems real", "I'm stuck inside my own brain". The only things that came up were messages from people who smoked weed, or were on a medication that was making them feel woozy.

When I found this site, tears began to fall down my face. Thank you, thank you _thank you_, for letting me know that I am not the only one.

I think it would have been since I was nine or ten when I would slip into states of what I considered a "dream world" where I felt like I didn't connect with anything around me, where there was no line between what was real and what wasn't. They were sort of, y'know, _fun_. Just felt a bit funny, y'know? Usually happened when I was at church, for some reason. Or sometimes when I stepped out of a hot shower.

Since Sunday 2nd of August, 2009, I've been stuck. I had swine flu, and the feeling of disconnection seemed to get worse when I was sick. I was so sick on that Sunday, to a level where I was about to faint - all my senses had dropped out except for sight. And then, ever since my sight returned and I vomited, I've been stuck.

I feel like my body's on autopilot. Like I'm just doing things without actually doing them, thinking without actually thinking. Objects move passively around me, and I just watch. I'm stuck within the confinements of my own mind.

Honestly, you have no idea how happy I am that I can type this and you actually know what I'm talking about. Just last week I was wondering if everybody say the world the way I do now, and I'd managed to get 9 or 10 years of some special connection with the world or something. Apparently not.

II think of it like I'm being pushed underwater, y'know? Everybody else has their heads above the water, wheras I'm underneath. I can see everything through the water, but it's not the same. But over the past week, I've been pushed deeper and deeper under. I keep wagging school because I'm _scared_. Half the time I barely know what's going on. I'll take notes in Science, maybe answer some questions, but I don't actually have a clue what I'm doing, or even why I'm doing it.

I feel like I'm just an extra for a movie. Just ... there. I don't do anything, I just exist. Like I don't have a soul, or something, even though I am completely aware that I have a soul and I do exist.

It's like I've been divided into two parts. A part of me knows something's wrong. I'm not seeing the world right. That this is all real, even though it looks like it's not.

But then there's that other part, the part that doesn't think. The autopilot. Some days, I'll look back over my school day and realise that I did not think about _anything_. That the autopilot took control. It did my homework, and laughed with my friends. But it isn't _me_.

Last week, after I stayued home "sick" for five days of school, Mum made me swear to her that I wasn't getting bullied or anything. She knew something was up. I didn't want her to think that, so I just ... told her. About how I felt, everything. Embarrassing conversation that was, believe me. But then today, after I went home from school early because I was "sick", she told me she'd worked it out. "It's 'Depersonalisation'", she said. I'd just rolled my eyes then.

But I visiteed the ever-faithful Wikipedia, and everything _fit_. I read articles, pages, stories for a full two hours before I stumbled across this site. Thank God I did.

Do any of you guys every try to pull yourself out of it? Back before I gave up hope of ever getting out of it, I used to stay up for all hours, trying to push my own brain into reality. It would reduce me to tears every time, because I just couldn't do it.

ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou, endless Thankyous. I am just so grateful to this site, and to everyone on it.

I am going to get myself through this.


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## pigandpepper (Sep 26, 2010)

Hi, Annie. I'm so pleased you've found us. I felt the same relief as you when I found this forum and realised I wasn't alone. To answer your question, I think the people on this forum fall into two basic categories: either you have recovered and are sharing your story, or (like me) you are trying everything humanly possible to overcome this and use the forum as a tool. I haven't made much progress since I came to the realisation that I was depersonalized, but it definitely helps to hear the stories of others who understand what I am going through and are fighting the same battle. 
Welcome to the community. 
Best of luck








-Bella


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## Another Name (Mar 18, 2011)

Hi Annie,

will you look for help by a therapist or something like that? Does your mother help you to find possibilities do get out of it? Or did she just tell you what it is and then leave you alone with it?

I hope you get over it soon. You have a lot of life in front of you, I hope you soon will be fine.

The Space


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## Guest (Mar 26, 2011)

Bella and The Space, thanks for your lovely welcomes!


The Space said:


> Will you look for help by a therapist or something like that? Does your mother help you to find possibilities do get out of it? Or did she just tell you what it is and then leave you alone with it?


I can never keep myself together when I talk about it, and I was absolutely sobbing while I was trying to explain it to her. Then she was sort of silent for a long time. She sort did that motherly stuff, y'know, the hugging, "it's all going to be all right", letting me choose what I wanted for dinner, buying me a magazine.
Then, a few days later, she said as soon as I came home from school, "there's this thing called Depersonalisation, and I think that's what it is". I checked Wikipedia and knew this was it.
Next thing I knew, she called every single psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist in the phone book, seeing who could get me in first. I've got psychologist appt. booked for 9.30, April 1, but that's with the school one. I've also got a "date and time TBC" appt. with an adolescent psychiatrist, plus I'm on about 90 other waiting lists.

Now I'm really nervous about trying to explain everything to the doctors, though...

~Annie~


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## Another Name (Mar 18, 2011)

If the doctor is able to help you, he will understand you anyway, so don't be nervous about how to explain. The simple fact of not knowing how to explain should tell him a lot.


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## Chlothar (Mar 24, 2011)

I just have to say, right off the bat, that I wish only the absolute very best for you from here. I've literally only been feeling this way for a month or so, but even then, the relief of being able to identify what I was feeling was amazing. After such a long time and being so young, I can only imagine how it must have felt for you.

I'm so glad for your sake that your mum took such a pro-active role in this. In my short experience with it, I've found that having someone who understands makes a world of difference, let alone all the practical help she can give you.

You can get through this, remember that.


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## chunks (Apr 6, 2011)

awww annie i never knew how sad your story was


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## Avalanche (Apr 14, 2011)

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## Lacuna (Jun 1, 2011)

Hi Annie,

I've just read your post, and was inspired to create an account on this website just so that I could reply.

Your story is almost identical to my own; I, too, am a 15 year old girl, who has experiencing this depersonalization from a very young age, and have only recently learned of the actual diagnosis of Depersonalization (also through Wikipedia, might I add).

To find that not only are there other people who experience this same state of mind, but that there are girls just like me who are going through the same thing, is such a wake up call to me.

I wish you the best of luck in recovery!


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