# My story



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi again.

I really need to write down what happened. Again. I'm having a particularly shit week.

I had dp for 2 years when I was 16. That's like a million years ago and I never expected it to ever come back. I felt like I died back then, and just figured I should never ever look back and start my life anew. Guess what? You can't. This time around, so many memories are coming back from my childhood, it scares the hell out of me.
So, first time I got dp was from being in a fire. I was home alone, my mom showed up at the police station where I was in the morning, she was drunk as hell. I started having panic attacks, blah blah, then dp hit full force when I was on vacation, also with my drunk mom.

I've had 12 really good years. I've had some dp feelings but didn't want to dig in my past so I just ignored it and it became less and less of a problem.

In 2006?? on my birthday, I got so nervous about my psychopath dad calling me, I had an anxiety attack and came out of it with medium severe dp. It was hell, I never thought I'd recover, tried all kinds of weird stuff, tried meditation classes for a month, and recovered over night. It just went away. I decided at some point that if I didn't think about dp, it didn't exist, and I used all my Jedi powers every day to empty my mind. I think that's how recovery happened.

In 2008 I gave birth to my beautiful son Christian. Unfortunately he'd sucked the life out of me for 9 months, and I started feeling really foggy almost right away after the birth. When I was pregnant I worried a lot about things going wrong, as the birth of my first son was so complicated. My partner was also hovering over me all the time, making comments that made me feel like I didn't do anything right, and I got more and more nervous and jumpy. 
At this time we also realized something wasn't right with my oldest son who is now 8, and a screening process which has only now in the last two weeks been concluded started. When I realized he might have some kind of autism I could literally feel the floor beneath me disappear. This was three weeks after the birth of Christian.

Four weeks after the birth I started having panic attacks because I felt so weird. I was sure it must be something horrible, I was so scared I would disappear in my mind, I had panic attacks several times a day.
One day I never really recovered and I had the K-hole experience. I woke up every day not able to fully wake up, and through out the day I would feel like I was a tiny speck of light in a very large black void. I also had feeling like I was melting, or that I was in my childhood home even as I knew I wasn't. It went on for a year+ of pure hell.
Then I moved out of the house, I had to try something else. I've slowly become a bit better since then.

One thing that really changed my dp for the better was magnesium and folic acid. The other big thing has been emotional release, allowing myself to feel and express my pain and emotion. I still struggle with this, as I mostly have to wear a mask since I'm always around my kids. I wonder if I still have dp because I'm never allowed to relax. My son has now got the diagnosis Asperger/adhd, which I didn't know was even possible, and he's a handful to say the least. He talks and talks very loud all the time, he never listens and he only talks about toilets or laser guns. The sound of him is enough to drive anyone crazy, and he has a lot of trouble in school. I've been to countless meetings with crazy dp, trying to do my best with everything.

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I'm exhausted! I hate myself and blame myself for everything. I'm also scared to do things wrong all the time, and my partner is so critical I feel like I'm a nervous wreck around him. I'm stuck in this hell of a life!
I see now way out of anything.

If you read all that, thank you.


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## Guest (Feb 15, 2012)

York said:


> Hi again.
> 
> I really need to write down what happened. Again. I'm having a particularly shit week.
> 
> ...


Your life is a little complicated for me to process 0_0 Sorry. I've never really gone through anything traumatic really--one day my DPD just set in, and hasn't gone away since >_<


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Sounds like a trauma specialist might be able to help you, sorry you're havig such a hard time


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## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

I read your story. you HAVE to... i repeat... HAVE to try Neurofeedback. Please for the love of God go do it. It will save ure life. Forget about "DP." Go restrengthen your mind and heal your nervous system and heal your trauma. I promise you that you will thank me after just 10 or 15 sessions. PLEASE DO IT

(btw is that you in your profile pic?)


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

newyork said:


> I read your story. you HAVE to... i repeat... HAVE to try Neurofeedback. Please for the love of God go do it. It will save ure life. Forget about "DP." Go restrengthen your mind and heal your nervous system and heal your trauma. I promise you that you will thank me after just 10 or 15 sessions. PLEASE DO IT
> 
> (btw is that you in your profile pic?)


How much cost the sessions?? How many did you have yet?


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## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

14 so far. and Im not sure that it would work for everyone but I definitely think it would in York's case. Definitely.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Huggy Bear said:


> Sounds like you have the wrong partner, which is not too surprising given that you had the wrong parents.
> 
> I'm in a similar boat and the only way out would probably be to have a friend or a therapist who one can trust and who listens. Unfortunately, such people are difficult to find...


 I think you're right. Thank you for being in the same boat. Hope things will work out for you.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

newyork said:


> I read your story. you HAVE to... i repeat... HAVE to try Neurofeedback. Please for the love of God go do it. It will save ure life. Forget about "DP." Go restrengthen your mind and heal your nervous system and heal your trauma. I promise you that you will thank me after just 10 or 15 sessions. PLEASE DO IT
> 
> (btw is that you in your profile pic?)


I've never heard of it, it sounds like something that doesn't exist in Norway. I'll have to find out! Thanks









Yes, it's me in the picture, but you know what they say about pictures.


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