# A sporadically updated journal of sorts



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

So I've posted previously about what I'm going through lately. In a nutshell, I've felt spaced out and off balance for quite some time (a little over a year now) and as of a few weeks have been having some issues with focus, disorientation, concentration and short term memory, primarily when it comes to recalling the day's events, retaining information, and knowing precisely what I said, and to who. Along with it, I've been having frequent panic attacks regarding what's happening to me, as well as flare-ups of OCD, trouble sleeping, and basically just feeling lonely, inconsolable and overly worried pretty much 24/7 over the past month. In short, it's been hell. I'm currently taking a low dose of citalopram daily, as well as a xanax morning and night for the panic, which is helping a little.

Anyway, things got pretty bad this past weekend. I felt like I couldn't go on, so after getting some brain scans and blood work at the ER (all clear), I went to my therapist for my weekly session. Unfortunately, I broke down from all the stress, and was referred to hospital. I was evaluated and released, but will now be attending a daily counselling/therapy program starting tomorrow. It will focus on diagnostics, medication adjustments, activities, and intensive therapy, so I am hoping I will finally be able to turn a corner. I'm pretty nervous about going, since I was always quite avoidant and awkward when it comes to interacting with others, and undertaking things on my own has always been stressful. I feel it's now doubly nerve-wracking because of my brain not working like it should. But I have to do this for my future, family and wife, who I feel I've been burdening way too much lately.

In any case, I was hoping to use this thread as a kind of journal which I'll update periodically. I'm aware that there's a blog feature on the boards, but I'd rather do it this way if possible, as I feel it might gain greater exposure and hopefully be helpful to others reading it. It's also proving to be somewhat therapeutic.

Thanks again for the support I've received from you all so far. I'm really trying to beat this, but my days are very, very difficult right now.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your suffering.

On the bright side, things could be looking up for you soon. 

Daily therapy (and group activities?) should work a lot better than stopping by to a shrink once every 1-2 weeks.

Best of luck!


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Thanks Svein, appreciate it!

Turns out I won't be starting til Thursday, so a couple rough days still to go. I woke up in the night with the most godawful panic attack and another when I woke up just now, so I'm not sure how to hold on atm. My symptoms are so severe.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

Generally speaking, the way out of anxiety is through. If you're already taking an anti-anxiety med, I'm afraid there's no alternative but to let it wash over you and endure the symptoms for now. I'm reminded of a motivational quote (  ) that made sense to me after I got through a very rough patch of anxiety: You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only alternative.

Are you able to exercise at all? Does any music help? Movies? Hugs?

I once read that panic can be a blended emotion. You don't know exactly what you are feeling, you get overwhelmed and confused, and the panic gets stronger. Apparently it is often a blend of anger, helplessness and loneliness. Does that make any sense? If you had a childhood where you couldn't stop your parents from fighting, perhaps there was unexpressed anger mixed with helplessness. Just a thought.

Also, could it be that the upcoming intensive therapy is bringing about extra panic on some level? If this is your first time, you are entering unknown territory. The prospect of confronting the issues behind your symptoms might be a difficult one, even while your conscious self is eager to get started on recovery. Again, just thinking out loud here.


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

Chicane, I'd recommend asking your treating counsellor/therapist how much experience they have with treating people with dissociative disorders. Treating people with DPD/DR requires a special approach which only comes with proper training and experience. An inadequately trained therapist can easily make your condition far worse than what it is now..


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Thanks for the info and support guys, really appreciate it.

So I went in for my first full day today, it was pretty nice and comforting, although also a little random and overwhelming. Lots of group therapy and some one-on-one with the psychiatrist, who said she thinks I have depersonalization without me saying anything about it. So it felt good to have someone acknowledge it at last. They also adjusted my meds, so I'll be on citalopram and klonopin daily now, which should serve me better than citalopram and xanax.

Feeling a little more hopeful now, so fingers crossed for an eventual recovery.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

A psychiatrist who easily identified DP? It's like you've happened upon the needle in the haystack. 

Feed that hope.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Went to the store to buy jeans today, and I almost walked out of the shop without paying for them. It was total DP absent-mindedness but it sent me into a panic thinking about how I could be arrested over something stupid related to my disorder. It makes me such a dipshit in my daily life. I'm so tired of it.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

King Elliott said:


> walked into a room and turned the light off.


Lmao  I've been there. It's such bizarre behavior.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

That's all so reassuring and helps me to relax so much more knowing I'm not truly going crazy. I had no idea the absent mindedness was this common. That's pretty funny about the milk and the flooding lol. Thanks to you both, you've cheered me up a lot.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

So I've had a great week - not perfect, but so, so much better than the previous ones. I'm functioning better, much more calm, and (group) therapy has been awesome. It feels so good to be able to put all your weaknesses out there.

Today is the next stage of my plan to improve my life - I am going for my driving road test at 2pm. I've been putting it off for a long time due to anxiety and DP (and being in a new country), but it's imperative I am able to get around by myself and live life a little more autonomously. It's also time to go for it because I already bought my car weeks ago - it's been sitting in the garage and I really want to start driving it. So I'm pretty nervous, but I also know it's not really a big deal either way, I can just retake the test again in a few days if need be.

Wish me luck, and thanks again everybody for your support. You've all been awesome.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

Good job, you seem to be making great progress already. You're in danger of becoming some kind of model DPer as far as recovery is concerned 

Interesting to note that daily group therapy seems to work very well even against DP symptoms.

How'd the road test go?


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

^ Much love to aworthycause. I haven't forgotten you buddy and hope you're doing well.

Anyway, I've decided to resurrect this as I'm feeling like hell today. Some days are just unmanageable. I've slowly learned to accept days like this, but that doesn't make them much easier to cope with. I'm feeling extremely spaced out, groggy and tired. My mind feels full of nonsense. I once tried explaining this to someone as they didn't seem to know what I meant. "It feels like a bunch of gossiping old ladies all talking at once" was the best I could come up with. These aren't voices per se, it's all me, it's basically just endless mind-chatter that doesn't seem to go away. I seem to have lost the ability to focus on anything. My mind is always racing. Not even with anxious thoughts anymore, just gobbledygook more than anything. I can't clear it. It's like an old TV that's stuck on static, and it's made coherent thought very difficult. I find myself talking to myself more often. Like I was driving just now and speeding slightly. I then said "sorry officer, I thought it was 45 here" out loud but slightly under my breath. It's as if I'm imagining scenarios and what I would say ahead of time, in this case being pulled over by a cop. I find myself doing stuff like this often. I'm always staring into space, forgetting shit, and feeling like a zombie in general. It's horrible.

Really curious to know if others experience this sort of thing. Please feel free to jump in and comment if you do. I would feel better knowing I'm not alone, as I'm feeling particularly insane lately.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

Hey buddy, hope you're feeling better today.

I used to have all that, the "full mind", racing with chatter. And the imagining of conversations and situations. I always thought that was related to not getting enough social contact, as if the brain tried to compensate somehow. :huh:


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

aworthycause said:


> Hey buddy, hope you're feeling better today.
> 
> I used to have all that, the "full mind", racing with chatter. And the imagining of conversations and situations. I always thought that was related to not getting enough social contact, as if the brain tried to compensate somehow. :huh:


Yes, it kind of seems that way. It's as if it fills my mind to such a degree that it kind of pushes out coherent thought and memory. I hate that feeling insane (for lack of a better word) all day has become my default. I'm a little better now, but it's really up and down in general. Hope you're alright.


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## aworthycause (Mar 22, 2010)

I'm better, I suppose.  I haven't had much DP/DR in the last few months, just low level symptoms. I'm glad to be out of the worst of that. Still struggling with depression and some dreamlike sensations that make me still worry that I could be developing psychosis or something. -_-


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