# For those with existential anxiety/pure O/derealization



## Silver Mink (Jun 11, 2012)

Hello to everyone at DP Self Help! This is my first time posting here, and I thought I'd just air some thoughts about my experience with derealization, Pure O and existential anxiety, and I hope my words help anyone who is worried and lost within themselves. (Jeeze, just noticed how long this post is!)

My name is Bryony and I am 20 years old. For the last few months, since a quite traumatic reaction to a 'legal high', I have been stuck in the realm of anxiety, panic attacks and obsessive thoughts. When it first struck I felt lost and confused, as these were new feelings I'd never experienced and I didn't even know how to explain them to MYSELF, let alone put them into words for someone else. I began searching for answers online, and I could not believe my eyes when I saw just how many people were in the same situation as me!

From here on, I felt somewhat reassured that I was not the only person on the planet with a brain that could do with a restore to factory settings!! This gave me the confidence to share my worries and feelings with my boyfriend, close mates and family, both in an effort to see if they understood what I was going through and to finally put into words the hurricane of thoughts that was swirling around in my mind. I stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks so that I could feel cared for and safe, and also through a desire to re-experience my past as the existentialism was beginning to kick in and skew my memory.

However, the next month that followed was the beginning of my spiral down into obsessive thoughts and detachment. I obsessed over my derealization, constantly monitoring my extensive symptoms and spending hours upon hours searching through forums for people with similar issues. It started to dominate my conversations with the people I cared about, and I could tell it was frustrating and worrying them that I could not let my worries lay to rest. I began experiencing the most terribly negative 'brain chatter', my short term memory lay in tatters and the panic attacks were getting more frequent.

Eventually, after I began questioning my very existence in nearly every waking moment, I decided to go down the route of medicine. I was prescribed citalopram 20mg, which initially worked absolute wonders for me, quieting the obsessive thoughts and even giving me bursts of energy and joy. However, after a while I became concerned about how the medication was flattening my spirit and my emotions, turning me into someone purely rational, cynical. I began to mentally reject it, and it actually started to increase my depression for this very reason. One day, unable to accept what the medication was doing to me any more, I came off the medication suddenly (this was very stupid of me, and although I avoided any negative effects, PLEASE do not do the same as you may begin suffering from SSRI discontinuation syndrome!!).

The aftermath of ending the medicine has been interesting. My derealization has certainly decreased, and the many visual/auditory issues that go hand in hand with it have all but vanished. Having some time on the medication to think rationally about the problems I've been up against has helped, and the bursts of happiness it gave me definitely renewed my trust in what the world has to offer me.

So, here I am today. I was contemplating my existentialism/anxiety earlier, and I came to the most reassuring, enlightening realisation I have had since its onset.

This constant questioning proves to us that the way we see/experience reality it is the single most important thing to us. However, the grim paradox is that the further we stray into trying to understand this concept that intrigues us so much, the more it cripples our ability to live properly! We search our minds for answers, we spend all day occupied in thought, questioning and analysing, fretting at the lack of understanding, but the simple fact is, these questions do not HAVE an answer that can be found in anyone else. Reality is subjective: everyone sees a flower through different eyes. One might notice the glistening moisture on its petals, another the vibrancy of its colour, and a third may just focus on the imperfections.

I have made the decision now that I won't be the one to look at the flower's imperfections. I am going to accept the world around me, and make my OWN reason for existence by enjoying every moment and having pride in life. Yes, the world can be a scary place, but it can also be a gorgeous, exciting, rewarding realm. It's all about allowing yourself to overcome the fear so that you can see the beauty. For anyone dealing with anxiety, I understand your frustration and terror, and I really do wish you the strongest recovery. One day the dark veil will lift and the world's beauty will be revealed, and the greatest thing is that the power to lift the veil lies within you. Once you can focus on what matters and who matters, on who you want to be, not what you label yourself as, the burden will lift - just have the confidence in yourself that this will happen.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Hello, let me say that I'm glad someone is able to see things that way, I remember once I posted something about this, where I said that while we're obsessed with questions, there's a world out there filled with answers, plus we should spend more time with people that care about us and learn to appreciate what we have instead of wanting more and more, I know that's the human nature but it's just not healthy


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