# I still am not recovering. (Fearless)



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

I know that my dad and brother are narcissists. That my mom supported him and medicated me because she doesn't want me to deal with me. She's said that she wanted to divorce him but she won't. And my twin sister is very 2 faced and doesn't really care about me. I know that she could have been molested by my brother I know that she could also be lying about that too. I know that no one in my family genuinely loves me (unless I take a pill and shut my mouth.) I know I was socially awkward and was a victim of bullying and no one could really understand me.

I know these things but still feel so disconnected. I feel dead on the inside.

Fearless is appreciate if I could get your input on this wether on the thread or through pm. If not it's cool.


----------



## Seppuku (Nov 12, 2013)

Knowing your problem isn't solving your problem, but it'll help you recover to know and understand all that. Recovery take some time, there is no miracle sentence or understanding that will make the DP disappear sadly...
I'll let Fearless explain ways to recover since you asked for his help.


----------



## Newky (Dec 11, 2013)

Seppeku is right, but knowing the cause of your DP is a massive power to have. My recommendation would simply be to talk about your family issues with someone outside the family, perhaps a therapist / someone entirely unbiased and progress from there. Recognising that it's not your fault and discharging your emotions could be a significant first step.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Newky said:


> Seppeku is right, but knowing the cause of your DP is a massive power to have. My recommendation would simply be to talk about your family issues with someone outside the family, perhaps a therapist / someone entirely unbiased and progress from there. Recognising that it's not your fault and discharging your emotions could be a significant first step.


Had a therapist for 2.5 years


----------



## Seppuku (Nov 12, 2013)

Recovery and therapy can really take a lot of time... But maybe you need another kind of therapy?


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

No haha I would like fearless view but am more than glad for anyone


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Seppuku said:


> Recovery and therapy can really take a lot of time... But maybe you need another kind of therapy?


I'm actually working on getting a new therapist. The last one is great and I'm thankful for the help he gave me but he doesn't specialize in dp.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Can I offer some advice ? I have been recovered before but I would like to point out that it is impossible to recover if you are still living in that family. You need to find new and healthy people to be around that support u. That is the first step in ur case, but I don't know how old you are and if u are able to?


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

missjess said:


> Can I offer some advice ? I have been recovered before but I would like to point out that it is impossible to recover if you are still living in that family. You need to find new and healthy people to be around that support u. That is the first step in ur case, but I don't know how old you are and if u are able to?


Yea I'm still at home 17 senior in highschool. Family is fucked up.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I would suggest move out when u can and then focus on ur recovery
And yes ur family does sound terrible


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

How do you know they are terrible?


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Well dysfunctional ...ur dad and brother are narcs and ur sister is two faced & doesn't rlly care about u..


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Wow I completely forgot that was even in the post.

My brain fog is also getting real bad lately.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Lol


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

missjess said:


> Lol


It's kindve funny but idk I'm always so clueless and my thoughts are empty and not my own.


----------



## Seppuku (Nov 12, 2013)

missjess said:


> I would suggest move out when u can and then focus on ur recovery
> And yes ur family does sound terrible


Moving out probably help... but it may also be another way to avoid your problems. I once recovered when I was almost your age, Sike25, and I didn't had to move out (even if our families aren't the same at all). But it need a lot of efforts and a small thing can put you into DP again so... that's kinda tricky. Being that young isn't helping, I wouldn't recommend to someone that young to leave his family... I'll let other members answer that question, someone probably have experience on that!

(You should PM Fearless with the link to that thread so he can answer you tho)


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

I'll be in college and with a job. By the 2nd years can pay for it myself (only 3000 a year). I can pretty much eliminate them from my life.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Seppuku said:


> Moving out probably help... but it may also be another way to avoid your problems. I once recovered when I was almost your age, Sike25, and I didn't had to move out (even if our families aren't the same at all). But it need a lot of efforts and a small thing can put you into DP again so... that's kinda tricky. Being that young isn't helping, I wouldn't recommend to someone that young to leave his family... I'll let other members answer that question, someone probably have experience on that!
> (You should PM Fearless with the link to that thread so he can answer you tho)


Yes well it's best to recover away from them and no it's not avoiding ur problems AT ALL....I recovered away from mine for about 4 months and just after living a month with my mum I fell back into dp...
I would suggest recovering first and when u feel strong enough u can be around ur family again with strong boundaries


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

missjess said:


> Yes well it's best to recover away from them and no it's not avoiding ur problems AT ALL....I recovered away from mine for about 4 months and just after living a month with my mum I fell back into dp...
> I would suggest recovering first and when u feel strong enough u can be around ur family again with strong boundaries


Jess when you first recovered, was it cause you got away from your family?


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Well when I first recovered I had never even heard of dp....I was living with an ex bf and I had dpdr for about 2 years before I met him and then I just focused on recovery through the help of my fantastic therapist but back then my dp was a lot different to what I experience now...it was like I was in and out of dp and could feel different intensities now I cannot.

But yeah I deff wouldn't have recovered if I was living at home I know that for sure


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

missjess said:


> Well when I first recovered I had never even heard of dp....I was living with an ex bf and I had dpdr for about 2 years before I met him and then I just focused on recovery through the help of my fantastic therapist but back then my dp was a lot different to what I experience now...it was like I was in and out of dp and could feel different intensities now I cannot.
> 
> But yeah I deff wouldn't have recovered if I was living at home I know that for sure


Yea. It is constantly changing and the way you exist and spectate things is changing. This is something that I learned and one day you'll feel empty, the next you feel like your spectating your spectating your existance, and then the next you'll feel like your racing in your head. It's constantly changing which is annoying, until you kindve flatline. I started to lose sense of taste, couldn't really sense heat, pain didn't effect me like it used to(bit a part of my cheek out in psyche ward, barely even felt it).

That's when it's the worst. You feel like you died on the inside. All you have is senses.

I feel ya dawg, i feel ya.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Sike25 said:


> Yea. It is constantly changing and the way you exist and spectate things is changing. This is something that I learned and one day you'll feel empty, the next you feel like your spectating your spectating your existance, and then the next you'll feel like your racing in your head. It's constantly changing which is annoying, until you kindve flatline. I started to lose sense of taste, couldn't really sense heat, pain didn't effect me like it used to(bit a part of my cheek out in psyche ward, barely even felt it).
> That's when it's the worst. You feel like you died on the inside. All you have is senses.
> I feel ya dawg, i feel ya.


Yeah right now I've been at the flatline point for like 2 years it's rlly horrible and I don't know what to do about this anymore, everything feels like nothing to me and yep I feel completely dead on the inside but then again that would be a feeling I just feel nothing all the time


----------



## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

Seppuku said:


> Knowing your problem isn't solving your problem, but it'll help you recover to know and understand all that. Recovery take some time, there is no miracle sentence or understanding that will make the DP disappear sadly...
> I'll let Fearless explain ways to recover since you asked for his help.


Just to add to this point by Seppuku, besides knowing about your family and your family life, do you feel you have a very good understanding on how living with them has impacted you over the years?


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

You have to research it and look at it from every angle. And realize that to get better you might have to be uncomfortable and see things for what they really are and it might not be pretty.

If one thing if your in therapy and you want to talk about something or when your therapist asks you about something and you say "I'm fine" THATS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON.

I know your not a fan but fearless has some good stuff. But other wise I'd get a book like waking the tiger to start, and learning what caused your trauma.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

themaxx10 said:


> Just to add to this point by Seppuku, besides knowing about your family and your family life, do you feel you have a very good understanding on how living with them has impacted you over the years?


If I ever did something wrong with my friends or with people, I would automatically blame myself. Even if it was CLEARLY some one else's fault I would blame myself cause my dad and brother always made me feel that it was my fault for what they did. They would never say admit their fault and being the personality that I was i needed to find logic and RATIONALIZE and boom blamed myself.

I also have terrible confidence and self doubt.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Sike25 said:


> If I ever did something wrong with my friends or with people, I would automatically blame myself. Even if it was CLEARLY some one else's fault I would blame myself cause my dad and brother always made me feel that it was my fault for what they did. They would never say admit their fault and being the personality that I was i needed to find logic and RATIONALIZE and boom blamed myself.
> I also have terrible confidence and self doubt.


Yeah they are putting toxic shame onto you because they can't afford to be seen as anything but perfect or else they will look stupid. My dad did the same thing...they are also using u as the scapegoat, someone to dump all the problems onto and in the process u loose ur voice. You could work in this for a few weeks: repeat this to urself 20 times a day "I release the belief that I can't trust myself & my instincts & the truth is I am now learning to trust my own voice and feelings"


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

missjess said:


> Yeah they are putting toxic shame onto you because they can't afford to be seen as anything but perfect or else they will look stupid. My dad did the same thing...they are also using u as the scapegoat, someone to dump all the problems onto and in the process u loose ur voice. You could work in this for a few weeks: repeat this to urself 20 times a day "I release the belief that I can't trust myself & my instincts & the truth is I am now learning to trust my own voice and feelings"


Thanks I'll have to try that


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Sike25 said:


> Thanks I'll have to try that


Your welcome  let me know how it goes....and u can change the statement as u go along the more true it sounds for u...then change it too "& the truth is I am now choosing to trust my own feelings" etc


----------



## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

Sike25 said:


> If I ever did something wrong with my friends or with people, I would automatically blame myself. Even if it was CLEARLY some one else's fault I would blame myself cause my dad and brother always made me feel that it was my fault for what they did. They would never say admit their fault and being the personality that I was i needed to find logic and RATIONALIZE and boom blamed myself.
> 
> I also have terrible confidence and self doubt.


While I'm still in the process myself, there is a wonderful tool I used to explore my childhood and present and past feelings (I sympathize with the difficulties you post about as I felt many of the same things myself). I posted it here:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/43844-wonderful-tool-for-self-discovery/

Basically, doing the exercises in the book brought out a huge amount of memories and feelings. That gave me the material, then finding this site, reading Fearless's posts and discussing many things with him gave me the means to start really UNDERSTANDING what actually happened to me.

It's like before, I could describe many things in my life, connect my upbringing to my present (for example, like how you say "I know that my dad and brother are narcissists..." and then "I know these things but still feel so disconnected. I feel dead on the inside.") It was kind of like understanding how a car works, and knowing how to drive. You see the cause and the effect, but there's still a black box in between. There's a deeper level of understanding you can reach, where it's like you know how it all works from the INSIDE, all the car parts and systems, how the individual parts work and how it all works together. Unfortunately our cars are going in the wrong direction.  But we can be our own mechanics, metaphorically speaking.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

I was in 9th grade and was I a rough part of my life. Couldn't make any friends and got bullied quite a bit. I was always hiding from people because I didn't want to get shit from anyone. Like I said my brother was the way he was. But my sister was the complete opposite in 9th grade. She was attractive and everyone took notice. She got a lot of attention from guys and people would give me shit saying she was a whore or a slut to me and just saying messed up shit. Meanwhile she was a popular girl and no one gave her shit for the way she acted. And when ever someone was talking shit to me she didn't care. She could've put a stop to it but she she didn't.

Other than that I was working for my dad and with my brother everyday. He gave me a lot of shit and was pretty much a bully the entire time. It got to the point where he would throw my food out the car an I'd have nothing to eat for the day. (10 hour days assembling metal so meals were important and he was a fucking cunt). He also smoked weed while on the job and I became curious. He smoked me up once and the first time I was fine. Didn't get high tho so it was kindve a waste. The second time tho was bad. I got really high and Had a panic attack in the back of his car for maybe 10 seconds. It was a pretty decent one but after everything seemed different. Dreamy and flat. At first I thought I was still a title high but over the course of 5 days it got worse until I had a meltdown. Had a panic attack that laste for 4 hours where I was crying and felt like my soul had left me and that I was going to stop existing. Had to go to the teen psych ward where they out me to sleep. The last thought I had was relief because I thought I would be fine in the morning. I wasn't and ended up in a panic attack for like 2days had to stay for 10 days until they gave me the green light to leave. I still had depersonalization tho and have since.

And that's what the following year was like before I had it. Shit year of 9th grade and my brother getting on my ass over nothing.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Fearless said:


> ps.: what I write about DP is only information, mostly theoritecal, and when it is practical, it is applied to my life and my story. I can not make nobody recover with my posts, I can only help.


I think you have the wrong idea like I'm expecting something from you haha I'm really not but I am trying to figure this thing out so
I can live normally.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

I honestly think it was the fact that I never stood up to anyone before. It haunts me. The one thing I've always wanted to do was kick my brothers teeth in and my dads but I could never even talk back to him. And my brother tries to act cool now and he doesn't act as angry and isn't a twat any more but he's still a narcissist. Even if he wasn't if still hate him. He walked all over me and I didn't do a thing about it. I was scared. All I ever wanted to do since we were kids was kick his ass in front of everyone. Humiliate him. Like he did to me.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Not really. My friends stopped hanging with me because I was the weird kid. But it was being out down and taking everyone's shit that bothered me the most. I just wanted friends or even to be left alone but a lot of kids just picked on me. I was small back then and couldn't defend myself of I was in a fight. So I just took shit from everyone. Kids would check me into lockers or say shit that the entire hall would be looking at me and him, and all I could do was walk away like a coward.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

No I admit them but only to my therapist and myself. Other wise I ACT like I love him or ACT like I don't care about what he did. But I know I hate him.

He still has that grip in me tho. He blew up in me the other day and started throwing shit around. It was just me an him and I felt guilty and awful after wards. I was against a wall crying my eyes out and he was still yellig at me. Then he hugged me and "forgave me" when he was the bad guy. Next day acted like it didn't even happen.

And I'm not really denying it I kindve worded that wrong.

It's my fault. I could've done something but didn't and I hate myself for that.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Fearless said:


> And you say you don't know what your problem is. : - )
> 
> ps.: it really sounds like your brother is an N.


I'm actually relieved. I thought there was nothing I could work on.

How could I work on him having that grip? And what do you recommend I do from here? And like I said your not my therapist or savior haha. I'm just looking for advice


----------



## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

It sounds like it's not the actual abuse itself (the negative words, etc.) from your family and everyone that you needed to dissociate from, its from the feelings of shame and most of all helplessness, that was the most difficult to deal with. To get bullied in school would only seem to reinforce unfortunately what you were getting at home.

I'm not at all calling you a coward. But dealing with those feelings seems to be what you struggle with now. You want to kick their ass, and make them feel what they made you feel. It would feel good to do so, but unfortunately wouldn't eradicate the feelings inside you. There's a hump inside you still need to get over, no matter what.

People who don't get over that hump, then grow up and achieve some level of success to try to prove to everyone they are not cowards, that's how people get "little man" syndrome I think.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Damn. I have no idea how to get over it.

This makes happy. In a dp kindve way you know but, I'll actually be able to FEEL things. And live life.

Thanks fearless. You really helped me out today. And thank you to everyone else who commented.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Fearless said:


> First of all, I'd look into the cognitive aspects of DP, so you won't sabotage your own efforts while working on that issue. That is the part, where I think Harris Harrington's video about CBT and obsessions is very valuable (it is in his program). Cognitive distortions are huge in DP.
> 
> Also, even if you feel sometimes totally confused and don't know what direction to go, grab one of the books I mention in my blog and just read. Or just read my blog. Recovery won't be a linear process, I went through a lot of unneccessary (but still valuable) learning.
> It'll only be just a handful of insights and realizations that will instantly bring you back to yourself. But reading a lot of material about these subjects is really helpful anyway.


Thanks man, will do.


----------



## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

Sike25 said:


> Damn. I have no idea how to get over it.
> This makes happy. In a dp kindve way you know but, I'll actually be able to FEEL things. And live life.
> Thanks fearless. You really helped me out today. And thank you to everyone else who commented.


If you were responding to my post (about getting over the frustration and shame you feel from how your father and brother treated you), one good exercise from Harrington's program is to write an 'as if' letter to each of them- that is, write an actual letter as if you were going to send it to them. You don't have to actually send it to them, but really sit down and think about and write a letter. Doing so gets both sides of your brain stimulated and working together. Actually drafting a letter forces you to really think it all through cohesively, rather just thinking about it in your head.


----------

