# My DP story (one year on)



## halt0n (Sep 30, 2008)

Hey guys, I have had the disorder we call DP since August '07. I don't know how many of you will be interested in what I have to say, but I joined this forum to post this story in the hope that it might provide someone who is in a state of confusion and constant fear a little (well-needed!) hope.

Everything was going ok up until last year. I was already drinking heavily and a friend introduced me to weed. But of course, one day I smoke wayyyyy too much and after about 10 minutes I just fell to the ground, I could barely see, I was sure I was dead. Long story short I was fucked.

Well, I managed to get home the next day and I just "didn't feel right". I assumed I was still hungover or coming down or something so I thought nothing of it. By the evening I thought it would be gone in the morning. But, of course, the next day came and this feeling was still here. After about a week I was scared to death. I thought I had gone insane, or that I would never be recovered. I began to have more and more panic attacks. I went to the doctor and had various diagnoses, and a couple of prescriptions. One doctor even prescribed a book, "Coping with anxiety", which, while helpful for the panic attacks, provided precious little about the actual foggy, unreal, blurry feeling with which I was inexplicably stuck. 
It was like I was 2 people when I had DP. The "real me", and some other, alien "me", constantly asking: "am I insane??"; "how do i find a way out of this?"; and it was as if I was endlessly examining myself for signs of madness. Like if I was aware of it I could go some way to regaining myself.
Of course, this only fed my worry that I really had schizophrenia or some kind of drug-induced psychosis. I had thoughts just flowing through my mind non-stop, sometimes weird and disturbing ones, and I felt as if I was in a dream. Another symptom of mine was that I saw sort of motion trails, for example when a car drove past I would see the trail of that car for a fraction of a second after it went. Also I was living in constant fear of having another panic attack when I was in front of my friends, or in an exam, or on the bus etc.

I began frantically researching and came across one website and clicked on a link for "Depersonalisation", which seemed to fit the bill. Finally, I could put a name to this awful condition. It also has a section about "Disturbing thoughts", which was also something that troubled me. Every day I walked to college I passed a big bridge, and every day I thought what it would be like to just jump off it and end all the constant thoughts running through my head. Thankfully I never did.

It was so much effort just getting up and out of bed in the morning I just stayed at home. This continued until eventually I found this site. I was a total wreck, and had no idea what I was going to do. But I discovered the importance of distraction and keeping busy. So I summoned up all the energy I could and began going back to college, trying to do some work, going out with friends again. Sure, it took a long time to have an effect, but one day I was laughing at something a guy said in college and I realised that I wasn't checking up on myself to see how I was feeling. I was just there, laughing at a joke, totally distracted. I thought if I can be distracted like this then technically the more I occupy myself with, the less I will think about the condition.

It is now just over a year on. It has been a tough uphill battle at times, and I still have bad days (they are inevitable, although less frequent these days). I would say that I am about 85% cured, although it is hard to put an objective scale on DP. There are some days when I wake up, go out, come home, watch TV, and go to sleep without even thinking about DP once! I have started going to gigs again (something which before DP I loved doing, but became scared of), and I am even learning to drive! A year ago, I would not have been able to even think about coping with the pressure of this (not to mention being enclosed in a car with a stranger)! But through graduated exposure it does get a lot better.
The first step to recovery is going out again. Taking up the hobbies you used to have, doing the things you used to do. Every day you should do something that you were previously too scared to do with DP, and you should know that it will start to have an effect!
However, I think it is also worth mentioning that I no longer take the medication the doctors prescribed (it was doing more harm than good), and have not touched alcohol or drugs since the day I got DP, because
a) I am happy enough regaining the reality I am used to, I dont need to alter it all up again with drink/drugs!
b) I am NOT prepared to smoke a joint and risk a relapse into DP (and neither should you!)

I have also had regular healing/cleansing from my grampy throughout the year (he is a faith healer), and if you are spiritual in any way, I would recommend giving this a try. I know many of you will find this laughable, but it is something that worked for me. If it is not for you, fair enough. But you might want to consider it. Just try and find someone you know, or someone who comes recommended because there are a lot of charlatans out there ready to exploit you.

Remember:
"It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness"

Good luck to all of you on your journeys to recovery. One day you will look back on your DP as a time of great personal growth. Just know that recovery is very much possible. It just takes courage.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

*DON'T SMOKE POT*

Thanks for the uplifting story.

Very encouraging.
Required reading for people who have had dp for a year.


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## esppse (Nov 6, 2008)

Thanks, you give me hope for my condition man. Good Luck!!!


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Ditto, thanks for your story 

It's great reading other people's recovery stories. 
They're so encouraging and gives others hope that they too can recover.


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