# 9 years of dp from one time use of mdma



## SmallAxe1223 (Feb 1, 2010)

Dped from my very first time using mdma when I was 21. It happend the very next morning following the mdma. I felt very spaced out and foggy.. When I looked in the mirror, my reflection felt very distant, like I was looking at another person. I have been stuck in this fog ever since..

I have absolutely no thoughts, no feelings, emotions.. It is very difficult to deal with the outside world. Talking to people is very hard, because I can't think of what to say. You can tell people think you're dumb, and it just makes you feel so low.. After being in this so long, I found myself wondering how people can just talk so easily.

Depersonalization has become my new normal, I'm so used to going through life feeling like a watcher instead of a participator. I cut off all contact with my friends, I can't do any of the things I used to do.. I'm just scared of the world now. For a long time I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, being around lots of people makes me feel so strange..

I thought I had brain damage for a long time, I have seen countless doctors and psychiatrists who don't really understand depersonalization at all. I've had an eeg, mri and a neuropshych test which all came back normal.

I don't know who I am, I have no self hood, no inner world, no ego. Most people just can't understand this when you try to explain it to them.

Now I've found this site and a lot of you have the same symptoms as me, which gives me a little relief that I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.. Id say the blank mind is definitely the worst symptom..


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## Coolio1231 (May 18, 2017)

I know how you feel..stay strong


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

What meds have you tried OP?


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Wow, pretty weird to think that it all links back to that one incident of mdma. I mean its common, but still, 1 thing happens and it can stick for so many years. DP is fucked up..


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

So yous think dp is hormone related ? 
This means something to me because my hormones are nuts before this started a bout 1 month before dp started.


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## Hardy (Oct 23, 2007)

Sounds somewhat similar to my experience. I think to certain people, MDMA is incredibly dangerous. I had my first DP experience when I was 16 after smoking weed which I had done since I was 13. Looking into the mirror, then it hit like a ton of bricks. For me, it seems that even just once DP/DR episode can show you things you just can never forget or unsee. STupidly I also took a lot of LSD and MDMA and speed which really aggravated things, and stopped it all at the age of about 21-22. It doesn't really matter what the trigger is, but once it happens, you can't make it unhappen. Of course you can and will learn to live with it and go on to have a very normal and fulfilling life, but it's almost like it just takes that one time.

If it helps, i'm 36 now. Admittedly i'm back on this site as I have had a couple of severe DP attacks over the last few days, but these were the first big ones in about 6 years. I also know that, whilst i'm pretty damn scared right now, that I WILL get through it again. You will regain control of your life, you feel again, you will be happy again. Though I know you feel there's no way anyone could possibly understand what you go through, there are so many. You just gotta hold tight and make sure you surround yourself with caring understanding people.

Stay cool!


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