# Please help my mind come to a conclusion



## Dpsjake1 (Nov 25, 2016)

So I've basically had some anxiety problems for a while now, getting worse in the past two years. I've had issues w stuff like dp before, but here i am again, freaked out. I'll explain (i know this sounds dumb but the mind can play tricks on you when you have anxiety). So I have been reading books and watching youtube videos on spirituality for the past couple weeks/ month because I find "enlightenment" and "knowing the truth" interesting. I was watching a video on enlightenment by a youtuber called Actualized.org. He basically was saying that "you are nothingness and "you" doesn't exist" and that "you are reality observing itself". I was very high (I smoke pot every day multiple times a day), and I started thinking about that. I looked down at my hands and thought of "you are reality looking at itself". It seemed to make sense for a second, and I convinced myself that it was true. It was similar to looking at your face in a mirror for a couple of minutes and you start to look alien and weird. For some reason that made me feel very depersonalized or something, like I wasn't myself and that I was something else. I had a panic attack and had to go home instead of going to work. I'm a natural overthinker and ever since that moment, I have felt off. I feel zoned out, and something just seems "off" or different about reality. I have a hard time forming an image of "myself" when I try and think of one, it seems like I'm not quite sure what or who I am as much, kind of like an alien. I seem detatched from my thoughts, and I constantly have OBSESSIVE thoughts like "what if now I'm enlightened and I can never go back to the way I was". For some reason that is terrifying me, and now im constantly anxious about it, and constantly doing checks to see if reality has changed or if "I'm enlightened" or different now. Basically just constant introspectiveness and existential thoughts. It sucks. It seems like I have brain fog and there's a tiny tiny disconnect between me and reality. Like I'm just SO zoned out. And tired. and i feel like i just want to sit around and do nothing. and i feel like if i had it confirmed in my head that I am alright, not enlightened, and have done nothing to permanantly change myself, I feel like i would get over all of this and stop worrying. So the question is: does it sound like I've become enlightened and have to deal with it now forever, or is this just regular depersonalization and the depersonalized thoughts that come with it? please help its driving me nuts.


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## solus (Mar 20, 2018)

Don't worry, you're not enlightened! I spent years on that path, and this particular insight occurred early on. There are many such insights/landmines scattered along that path, and most are profoundly disorientating and take a long time to adapt to.

You deeply underestimate how hard it is to bring about that kind of transformation in your day-to-day awareness. The perceptions you describe won't last long: maybe a few days or a couple of weeks, probably less.

99.9% of the work of enlightenment/liberation is enduring this level of mental turmoil over many years while you singlemindedly integrate these insights into every aspect and corner of your life, and dismantle the source of those emotions. Enlightenment isn't a sudden, explosive event, like these realizations; more like a tree quietly shedding its leaves in autumn. It would take a tremendous love of truth and an unflinching willingness for total self-sacrifice to reach the end of this path.

Having said all this, I see critical flaws in the reasoning behind enlightenment. There is a lot of truth in it, and the nature of existence is laid bare with the concepts of interdependent origination, lack of inherent existence, and emptiness. Ultimately, however, they seem like half-truths because certain aspects of reality are glaringly overlooked (in particular, the transcendental), and it over-simplifies and trivializes everything.

Those few individuals that I know of who I believe have achieved liberation did not really inspire me to go all the way, and though I believe there is profound peace in total non-attachment, I don't think it's much more than can be achieved with a lobotomy.

You threatened the substantiality and boundaries of your ego (belief in inherent self-existence) just a little bit by identifying it with nothingness and with the totality, so it's throwing a fit with the anxiety and DP as a warning so that you don't ever get it into your head to do it again!



Dpsjake1 said:


> So I've basically had some anxiety problems for a while now, getting worse in the past two years. I've had issues w stuff like dp before, but here i am again, freaked out. I'll explain (i know this sounds dumb but the mind can play tricks on you when you have anxiety). So I have been reading books and watching youtube videos on spirituality for the past couple weeks/ month because I find "enlightenment" and "knowing the truth" interesting. I was watching a video on enlightenment by a youtuber called Actualized.org. He basically was saying that "you are nothingness and "you" doesn't exist" and that "you are reality observing itself". I was very high (I smoke pot every day multiple times a day), and I started thinking about that. I looked down at my hands and thought of "you are reality looking at itself". It seemed to make sense for a second, and I convinced myself that it was true. It was similar to looking at your face in a mirror for a couple of minutes and you start to look alien and weird. For some reason that made me feel very depersonalized or something, like I wasn't myself and that I was something else. I had a panic attack and had to go home instead of going to work. I'm a natural overthinker and ever since that moment, I have felt off. I feel zoned out, and something just seems "off" or different about reality. I have a hard time forming an image of "myself" when I try and think of one, it seems like I'm not quite sure what or who I am as much, kind of like an alien. I seem detatched from my thoughts, and I constantly have OBSESSIVE thoughts like "what if now I'm enlightened and I can never go back to the way I was". For some reason that is terrifying me, and now im constantly anxious about it, and constantly doing checks to see if reality has changed or if "I'm enlightened" or different now. Basically just constant introspectiveness and existential thoughts. It sucks. It seems like I have brain fog and there's a tiny tiny disconnect between me and reality. Like I'm just SO zoned out. And tired. and i feel like i just want to sit around and do nothing. and i feel like if i had it confirmed in my head that I am alright, not enlightened, and have done nothing to permanantly change myself, I feel like i would get over all of this and stop worrying. So the question is: does it sound like I've become enlightened and have to deal with it now forever, or is this just regular depersonalization and the depersonalized thoughts that come with it? please help its driving me nuts.


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