# New Here and Some Questions



## Dpnov2212 (Mar 27, 2013)

In May 2012, I ate a piece of pot cookie. It was the worst decision of my life. I had tried marijuana a couple of times before (smoking), but just a few puffs and without much effect. In any case, after eating the pot cookie I had a major panic attack-my thoughts and actions seemed so very disconnected, and I thought I was going mad. The entire experience lasted several hours-trying to fall asleep, I awoke to find that only minutes had passed. I thought I was going to die, and called my partner to come home from work. I experienced terror, a sense of impending doom, and the worst fear I ever experienced in my entire life. Memories, thoughts, and flashes of life rang louder than anything I've ever experienced. My partner calmed me down over the phone and after coming home, finally soothed me so that I could fall asleep. The next morning, I felt a little off, not entirely "myself". We went to watch a movie with friends and I felt this sense of terror and fear creeping

up during the movie, I was extremely anxious and had to step out to breathe for a bit. This calmed me down. A couple of days passed and I still felt "off", kind of like I was high. People said that it was just the "bad trip" wearing off. And the feeling eventually passed. Though, I often felt as though something was slightly changed and even mentioned to my partner a few times that I probably would never be exactly the same. Months went by and of course I felt "normal" again.

In November 2012, I decided to drive home for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was an 8-9 hour drive because of all the traffic. I was tired and drank a large 24 ounce cup of coffee along with two red bulls, and a couple of diet cokes. Additionally, I had a Starbucks Frappuccino that morning. We arrived home and I got to my mom's house, and just crashed. I fell asleep and woke up about 8 hours later. I woke up and jumped in the shower, and while in the shower started feeling strange. I felt high and the enclosed space of the shower started spinning. I began to panic and passed out. I don't think I fully passed out, because I recall getting

right back up as soon as I hit the floor. Things were not the same when I came to. I felt detached, dream-like, kind of "high", like I had the first time I experienced the pot cookie. This made no sense though; I had not taken any drugs, had not (and will never) eaten a pot cookie, or smoked marijuana. I thought, this is it, I'm going insane, or I have a brain tumor. Later, after a bit of research and internet searches, I came to discover that I had possibly become depersonalized. I experienced it the first time I tried the pot cookie, and now
it had come back, with a vengeance. Perhaps in response to all the caffeine I siphoned into my body, or the chronic and underlying stress/ anxiety prompted by work/ school/ past trauma, etc., depersonalization (DP) returned. It's been several months and I'm still struggling with DP. I've had several appointments with primary care physicians and a neurologist to rule out any medical/ organic cause (all clear on this front), and am now seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Both seem to think this is a result of anxiety.

It's just been such a frustrating experience while trying to stay "connected" with people, my partner, work, and school. And lately, I've had really intense feelings of fear that I'm going to stay this way forever, or that this will evolve into something else, and also strange thoughts like, "Am I in a dream? Is my partner real? Am I real? Am I delusional because I keep having these thoughts?" I'm sure I don't believe these things, but I wonder why I keep having these strange thoughts and obsessing over them. I think it's because I feel so detached and disconnected from everything that these thoughts are prompted, and then I freak myself out by paying them so much attention. I feel here, but not here, and it worries me so much.

I'm wondering if anyone has ever experienced these strange thoughts before? And if people have felt as if they're going insane or becoming delusional?? I guess I'm just looking for reassurance to normalize my experience with this whole thing. Thanks for reading!


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## ZonedOwt (Mar 28, 2013)

"I'm wondering if anyone has ever experienced these strange thoughts before?" Yes, and I don't think those thoughts are strange at all, just normal contemplation of reality. Just as long as you don't obsess over them.

"Am I delusional because I keep having these thoughts?" NO, don't convince yourself your crazy, the mind is powerful thing so try your best to stay confident in your sanity.

"It was an 8-9 hour drive because of all the traffic. I was tired and drank a large 24 ounce cup of coffee along with two red bulls, and a couple of diet cokes. Additionally, I had a Starbucks Frappuccino that morning. We arrived home and I got to my mom's house, and just crashed. I fell asleep and woke up about 8 hours later."

Diet coke contains aspartame which breaks down in the metabolism partly into methanol, a potent neurotoxin, some of the symptoms of excessive methanol intake include "Neurological: headache, dizziness, agitation, acute mania, amnesia, decreased level of consciousness including coma, and seizure."source Just one diet soda contains ove 30 times the EPA's recommended daily consumption limit of methanol. I can't drink that crap without getting head aches. All of those drinks in combination with the exhaustion from driving probably did not help.


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## Dpnov2212 (Mar 27, 2013)

Thanks for the reply ZonedOwt!

Definitely reassuring to have your input. I'm sure I've had similar thoughts in the past (i.e., after watching the Matrix), but now they're attached to this huge fear that I'm on my way to some delusional disorder or insanity, and the DP doesn't help at all.

I have these moments of self-reassurance and then these moments of preoccupation with the thoughts and the idea of going crazy. Fortunately, it hasn't affected my functioning at work/ school, but it can be pretty distressing. And I'm making an effort to stay confident in my own sanity, just wish I didn't have to do this so frequently...but I guess this is part of the DP experience, at least that's how I've felt for the past 4 months with it 24/7.

Thanks again for the reply!


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## ChelsieG (Jan 23, 2013)

For a second there I thought I was reading my own post (haha) because in May 2012 I also ate a weed cookie that has completely changed my life (I ate the WHOLE cookie). It was awful!!!!! My husband ate a whole cookie too and he puked literally 30-40 times in a 4 hour period. I thought he was going to die. We also had a 2 month old baby at the time and he was asleep thank god but it still to this day makes me feel like a horrible parent. If my son would have woken up I don't think i could have properly taken care of him. I questioned everything, like how did we get to earth, do I really love my husband, is there a god. To most people this sounds stupid like how could those questions be so terrifying but it was and to this day I still suffer from it. I question everything, my love for my husband, reality and everything. My husband has not experienced any of these symptoms after he came off of the "high". To this day, crowds make me nervous, drinking too much makes me want to freak out and if someone says "you are scaring me" it totally sets me over and makes me all panicky. If I think about my voice and talking it freaks me out or if I look up in the sky it freaks me out because I wonder how the sky got there. One good thing however, is that I am much better then I was last year in May, June and July. I was also going back to work at the time after maternity leave so I had a lot of other stresses. I had a mental break down for about 3 months and didnt even want to live.

Ok so some positive things. Well this has allowed me to know what it means to be totally strong and be able to make it through the toughest of tough times, to be open and honest with my husband about how I am feeling and to not fret about small petty things in life because it really doesnt matter. I always push myself to be social and around other people because it is better then sitting at home being all depressed and to always try to remember what is important to me in life. I just wish this would go away it really sucks. I just keep hoping and praying it will go away. I do take some natural supplements that seem to help Kava Kava and Aswaguanda.

Would love to hear some more from you and what you have done that seems to help


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