# Disturbing thoughts.



## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

I am just wondering what types of disturbing thoughts some of you have. One thought that I get alot whenever I am holding a knife, I get an image of stabbing myself in the eyeball. This thought is so powerful sometimes that I actually am afraid that one day I might actually do it :shock: . I don't know if any of you people out there get thoughts like this but I would be happy to hear about it if you do.

I also get other thoughts like someone else is in my head with me telling me that I suck or that I should do something evil. I would think that I am going schizo but these voices/images are only in my head and I never hear them out loud. I can't control these thoughts for some reason and it is very disturbing sometimes. I really feel like someone else is putting these thoughts into my head or something. :shock:

I have been wanting to put up this thread for a long time but I was not sure if any of you would reply. I hope that I am not alone on this one.


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

Lostone, This is fairly common. It's rooted in OCD, I believe. I have thoughts like this too, although they're not as bad or prominent anymore. thinking these things is not necessarily abnormal -- following through would be different, but usually obsessive thoughts stay only obsessive thoughts. So, I wouldn't worry too much.


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

it sounds like ocd or something similar to me. its not psychosis if you dont act on the thoughts. as long as you realize that there only thoughts and that they cant hurt you youl be ok. alot of people including myself gets these thoughts from time to time. but if you feel yourself slipping by all means go see a doctor or a shrink.


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## Guest (Mar 14, 2006)

I used to fear that I would one day harm myself or others, because sometimes the dp/dr felt so overwhealming. I mean, when you feel so emotionally and physically disconnected to everyone/everything, you fear anything could happen. I constantly feared that one day I would wake up in a padded room in a straight-jacket "for my own good".


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

I get these thoughts sometimes when I am at the Kingdom Hall and it makes me feel very bad because I don't understand how my thoughts could be so messed up when I am in such a positive environment. I never thought of this as being OCD but I guess that kind of makes sense because some of the thoughts are a little obsessive. What really bothers me is that they don't feel like my thoughts at all. It is like someone else is trying to force these thoughts into my mind so that I feel insane or something. They just come out of nowhere and I deal with them just fine but they are very disturbing because I don't understand why these messed up thoughts won't go away.


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## 1A (Aug 12, 2004)

LOSTONE said:


> I get these thoughts sometimes when I am at the Kingdom Hall and it makes me feel very bad because I don't understand how my thoughts could be so messed up when I am in such a positive environment.


This is because DP is a product of what's inside of you, and not related to the outside world. All of these thoughts, no matter how weird they may seem, are created for you, by you.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I can completely relate to these thoughts. I always have intense fears that I am going to do something horrible to myself. I am not in the least bit suicidal - it has only ever even crossed my mind during my WORST bouts of DP, and only for the brief second where I think "I would be better off dead".. and then i think "no, no .. i have so much to live for etc." .

But anyways, I still get thoughts such as when I am near a knife about how easy it would be to just cut myself with that. It's almost like an urge to do it, but its propelled by fear that I will. Its like my brain is taunting me.. "you could do it". Also, i get the same thing with going crazy - i have these urges inside of me to just go crazy - to say things that don't make sense, to runa round like a complete lunatic.

It's ridiculous because I am in complete control of myself, but during those moments it sure doesnt feel like it.

I can relate, don't worry.

Matt


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

> This is because DP is a product of what's inside of you, and not related to the outside world. All of these thoughts, no matter how weird they may seem, are created for you, by you.


I know that but the thoughts can be so bad that I almost wish they were comming from someone else. I don't know how my mind could play tricks on me like this. It is like there is another me that is trying to destroy everything that I am doing that is positive. There is a war in my head all day long and I am getting sick of it.



> I still get thoughts such as when I am near a knife about how easy it would be to just cut myself with that. It's almost like an urge to do it, but its propelled by fear that I will. Its like my brain is taunting me.. "you could do it". Also, i get the same thing with going crazy - i have these urges inside of me to just go crazy - to say things that don't make sense, to runa round like a complete lunatic.


Matt that is exactly how it is for me. It is like my mind is taunting me and the crazy thoughts are very powerful sometimes that I am afraid to even hold a knife because I get afraid that I will actually stab it into my eyeball. I also get the thoughts that I will just start screaming and running around naked in public like a lunatic. Sometimes I get visions of going around just beeting the hell out of whoever I see. I don't feel connected to these thoughts but I can tell that they come from my frustration with DP/DR and the world I see around me. Sometimes I just feel like I am going to totally lose it at any moment but at the same time I feel like I could never lose it even for a second. It is hard for me to even lose my temper because of DP/DR. I think that these thoughts are somewhat like evil fantasy or something because I am always so extreamly self controlled, I don't know.


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

It's good to read other peoples honest feelings about this. I have these thoughts too (for example hurting my pets, hurting my mom) and they freak me out. I mean, my pets and my mom are everything to me...


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

> I know that but the thoughts can be so bad that I almost wish they were comming from someone else. I don't know how my mind could play tricks on me like this. It is like there is another me that is trying to destroy everything that I am doing that is positive.





> I don't feel connected to these thoughts


Yep, that's exactly how it is with me. These thoughts aren't mine, it's someone else.


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

> Also, i get the same thing with going crazy - i have these urges inside of me to just go crazy - to say things that don't make sense, to runa round like a complete lunatic.


Yep, same here.


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## lieberhaas (Mar 14, 2006)

Oh, God...yes! I'm so glad that I found this forum because I can relate so well to all of these horrific feelings. I have never disclosed such thoughts to anyone; I was terrified that someone would put me in a straightjacket and take me away.

I have recurring images of slicing open my stomach and chest to see what's inside. As if by doing so, I could actually prove that I'm human, and I exist. Does that make sense?

I've never mutilated my own body in any form. I've never had a desire for that kind of pain. Despite thoughts otherwise, I'm really not a masochist. However, these images won't go away. I've had them for years. They're disturbing, and not something I'd ever actually do, but they're there nonetheless.

Also, I envision my mother's corpse. I obsess over thoughts of what it would be like for her to no longer exist. Will I feel any emotion when she's gone? How does her death, having given me life, relate to my own existence and extinction? I love my mother and would do anything in the world for her. It horrifies me that I even think of something this morbid in relation to her.


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## Larka (Dec 16, 2005)

Haha, where did you guys find my life story?!

I've been having those thoughts forever!! Visions of ripping my arm wide open, stabbing myself in the stomach, popping out my eyeball, you name it. And consider just going nuts?! EVERYDAY. It's like their is something inside you just saying "Fuck it all, go nuts!" . And you feel like just releasing every tiny bit of emotion inside you in an insane flurry! Hmm....you get used to it. lol


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