# My story for the young.



## Lozz (Jul 23, 2006)

Before I chat on I would just like to say this website helped tremendously, though I rarely posted I read the hell out of it. I hope my post can help people in my age bracket.

When i was 14 I went camping and smoked extremely potent marijuana. After that I got full blown DP/DR. At the time I had no idea what it was, the fact that I'd been smoking Weed in the first place put me off telling anyone, but also the thought that the symptoms I was suffering from were so bizarre. They were like nothing I'd heard of and attempting to explain it to anyone seemed an impossible task since I couldn't even nearly comprehend what it was in my own mind. The night I got it I went all out crazy, hallucination's, I couldn't tell any difference to what i was seeing to feeling a dream. I didn't know until a few days later, but i thought i was asleep but it turned out i was actually awake and 'going crazy man.' I attempted to smoke weed again the day after, thinking it was only a one time thing, but instantly I was hit, with what we've all been hit by in the past, the feeling of DP/DR and an uncontrollable sense of panic and dread. 
This went on for a year, for the most part it destroyed my education, I refused to leave the house at night (Which became the biggest and most destructive problem.) Nobody in my family could work out what was wrong with me, and of course id yet to tell any of them. I had my current girlfriend at this time too, she thought I was using my excuses not to go out with her, and my constantly nervous asking of questions when we did go out used to make her feel like I didn't want to be there, rightly so really. 
Now 16 things were getting a lot more problematic, my friends at this age were going out and wondering where the hell I was (naturally really) and my family were wondering why I never went out. (Being outside in the dark seemed to send me over the edge, made me panic, The street lights in the darkness used to give me a strange dreamy feeling that reminded me of my DP/DR and that would in turn set me off.) I used to spend all my time isolating myself from any part of life that would want me to come out at night, cut off friendships and generally never get involved. I also used to game ALOT, it might seem strange to some people but it was a brilliant and safe form of escapism. At 17 the Sh*t generally hit the fan, my girlfriend had enough and demanded answers or shed see no point in the relationships due to the fact it was only half there. It was actually after a Foo fighters gig in Manchester a few years back when I told her (I actually had my issues when i went to the gig, but my god it was a stunningly fun night, weird huh). She was brilliant with it, I saw her smiling as I told her. Again this might seem strange but she was just thankful i wasn't making excuses not to be with her. 
Telling her was extremely difficult to do, I thought that because maybe she knew about it she would look/think of me someone who was ill and constantly ask me if i was alright, that would in turn remind me of my problem and constantly set it off. Of course that didn't happen, she ignored it for the most part as I worked on it, like I asked her too. I then told my family which cleared up a lot of problems and answered many questions. When a fit and obviously good looking ;-) young man isnt going out and is shutting himself in his room its going to make people worry. I started to go back out drinking, and staying out at night now and then at the pub, but Ive come to realise when i drink to much (as in wayyyy to much lol) I do very much get DP. (Not so much DR but il mention that later.) 
After one night I drank to much and got DP/DR really quite badly on the way home, this was disaterous to my current life, although everyone knew about it, it really didnt help at this time. I got DP opening my door, my senses went on strike. Typing on a keyboard brought it up, doing ANYTHING made me loose control. This was truly the low point of it all. Couldn't game, couldn't escape. Had to face the storm head on. This all happened around April/May last year. My education, that I managed to bring back from the dead after I told everyone, once again utterly died, but the fact that this happened at exam time meant I had enough previous knowledge to limp my way through the exams. They invited me back for the next year but I refused, I was truly SICK of this problem. Id wasted 4 years of the best part of my life, 14 to 18 spent in my room locking the door.
My parents wanted me to see a mental health worker, but by this time I knew there was a magic wand cure, id discovered this site and I knew I was no longer alone in what seemed like an impossible struggle. At my lowest points and quite frankly suicidle points this website inspired to keep the fight up. I didnt see a mental health worker, yes perhaps it could have been good for me but I knew where I stood and I knew as much as they did about this mystery. Not to sound egotistical or anything but I knew that it was going to be me that solved my problem, not some councilor.
I faced the problem head on through choice this time, no more hiding. I went straight to the pub. (Lol im English, its my heritage ok) This was going to be a truly life changing night. As it got darker I did feel a rise in tension but kept it quiet and pushed on. I remember it being dark outside the pub with me, my girlfriend and my older brother and sister all laughing and having a great time playing pool and drinking. By the end of the night I was fairly pissed but utterly happy, and me and my girlfriend walked home. This was the first time id been out at night for 4 years, and it was rather breath taking because I always loved night time when i was a younger child. It was the one walk i will always remember where I stayed in total control. Arrived at my home, obviously very happy with the previous walk and in one stable condition. I then proceeded to do the same for the next few days to see if I could hold this, and I could ^_^.
The night time no longer reminded me of the burden of DP/DR, it reminded me of my strength, the strength every human mind has to win this battle.

Its now March 2008, ive been out countless times with the friends ive chased back down, bought myself a bass guitar that im gigging now and then at the locals. Still got my girlfriend and on good terms with everyone in my family. DP/DR for the most part is gone. I say most part because like i said, when i get totally off my face it comes back. But its nothing like the old days... I don't panic.... im not frightened in the slightest. I shake my head and within seconds it disappears. But then again I have to be extremely pissed for it to happen and i rarely get totally drunk. I managed to get over it before my girlfriend went to Uni too so I hop across to Manchester where shes staying and spend a lot of time there comfortably. The point of this badly written essay being.....
Ive lost alot of important things, most notably 4 years of youth and my education. I currently have no job, Ive managed once again to claw my way back into education though (lol they just cant get rid of me), still living with my parents and have yet to find any sort of path in life I want to take. But I feel mind numbingly happy, having the ability to walk over the freezing moorland at 2am to my girlfriends is a better feeling than any degree or any job il have/get.

So all those that are my age that have this... just... hang in there. I cant tell you which battle to fight, where to go or what to do to get over this. But just know that in time, your own mind will figure out what needs to be done, and you'll do it. I truly believed there was no way out, but there is and im the proof.
Dont give up and hang in there. If anyone would like to ask me questions about this or chat to me further, please send me a PM and il give you my MSN adress. I know what its like to be down in the blackness of isolation so Il be willing to help anyone that would like it.

Thanks for reading. Lozz <3 <3 (excuse my spelling and grammar and be thankful there was a built in Spell checker lol)


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## JoeKav47 (Mar 25, 2008)

This is a wonderful story. My night was **** before I read this, really depressed and DP/DR lingering over me. However after reading this I noticed a smile on my face. Thanks man, helped alot.


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