# Maybe somebody can relate



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Not going to give the full story as that would be wayyy to long. But basically i had/have an anxiety disorder which i later realised was caused by buried emotions. throughout therepy i had set backs where i would go into a state of depersonalization. Mainly just existential thoughts to the max where i would cry and cry. Then after a few weeks it would be over, The set backs like this would happen in blocks. They would then get further and further apart. months went by. Then a year, all with just having mild anxiety but no existential thoughts. 6 weeks ago i had the worse set back of my life,. and im still in it yet things are lifting slightly. I realised i had been disconnected from my real feelings for so many years and didnt know. But one way or another they all came out. I experienced pain likeyou wouldnt believe. I cried all day all night and constant panic attacks with no let up for 6 weeks straight. Could not be left alone. My therpist said i was so frightened of all these buried emotions and panic attacks that i sort of dissociated again. Well completely. I now feel like i dunno where i am or how i got here. Although i realistically know. I feel the fact that i exist in any reality is weird and i am just thinking and feeling things like never before. Before when i was dissociated i would feel weird about the world and universe etc. Now i just feel like i dunno how i know things. Or when i became concious or how i played along with this life for so long . I jsut realised i am a living person and i wasnt given a choice. I feel like i am looking at my life from the bigger picture and noticing my awareness as opposed to being involved in it. I feel like i do not want to be here. If im gonna continue to have this perception. The tired mind and cut of feeling sometimes im used to and have had numerous times in my life when tired or stressed. But i literally feel like i shouldnt be here. Like i just got here and i have to do this thing called life that i do not wanna do. Whereas before i just played along. Can anyone relate or help me a little and let me know if this will go away.


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## Guest (Apr 12, 2014)

Could you tell more about your life? Like relationships, etc.?


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## Thidwick (May 30, 2012)

Read this. It is the Internet's single-most helpful resource for coping with anxiety disorders:

http://nothingworks.weebly.com/

Most of the stuff I talk about on here is paraphrased from this letter. It explains how anxiety disorders work and how to respond to them. I highly recommend reading it to get you in the right mindset. I completely understand what it's like to live in constant terror and panic, especially when experiencing a particularly strong bout of existential panic. I used to break down and cry and wonder if my life would ever be normal again and if I things would ever go back to the way they were before. But that's a result of misunderstanding what DP is. It is not a mental condition in and of itself. It is your mind's response to panic and anxiety. For whatever reason (for many it is a marijuana-induced panic attack, but the reasons are numerous), you have experienced intense anxiety. You do not have anything wrong with you. You are not crazy. You are simply continually fighting against a normal mental function -- a fight/flight response. Once you stop fighting against this response, your mind will respond in kind.

Read the letter. Then read it again.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I get you bill. But ve had dp Dr before and I guess this just doesn't feel like it as its almost like more of a severe form. I dont think ive ever felt this far gone so I'm having a hard time being convinced of this. I dont think its anything else I just think that its me gone too far into my mind and there's no turning back. I have yet to see someone have the confusion I do as I just keep thinking its me. If I could know for sure thy things would feel normal again I could probably go along with it. I'm terrified of everything at the moment. Everything. And even when I distract I just want to break down and cry. I come up with these weird theories that convince me its just me snd.not dp Dr. Cos I dont care about things being unreal or feeling numb. Cos im not. I just feel like I know nothing and life is some weird thing I'm forced to do as I said above. I will try trust that this id the dp Dr talking. Its hard not to break down tho. I'm 23 and I just wanna stay cuddled up to my mam forever and this was not like me before anxiety. It really fucks up everything. But am I too far gone? And has anyone any ideas of how to distract myself or what to tell myself. Aside from meds and therepy as that side is already being sorted.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I agree with all u say cherry thanks. Its not about how life got here. Its more me personally. Its as if I just realised I'm a living and I'm petrified. Its not normal philosophical thoughts.... If thats defo dp Dr and feeling alive can feel normal again than I can ignore this untill that happens.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Liivng used to feel normal and now it feels new. Like a new born baby... I just want to know that this can go....... Its like my brain has been wiped clear. And not in a blank mind way. In a way like I know nothing. And I keep going thru my timeline to townie got grew bceaseu i feel like it just happens now.like I came out of no where yet I know things.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Ye bill I need a lot of reassurance because i cannot fathom what's going on. Ye its severe. So severe I have been off work over 6 weeks. I cry all day. Even try go out running and just break down because I'm so.scared and confused. I cannot belive it. What is it I should do then. In the moments I'm terrified. Yes i read at last a life three years ago when I was bad. It went away. But never felt it like this. This is so severe. And have the recurring thought that I don't wanns.be here. I am posting because u find it a comfort when someone relates. Not because i think it will go away. I feel like there is nothing to go away that i have just seen behind the curtain of life and dont wanna play along anymore. Yet I so want to.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

And ive had.a lot professional help. U say to accept it. Maybe that was easier for u. But I'm in a 24/7 panic attack because of this. Not even valium calms me.because I'm that wound up. I feel so trapped in life and even tho u say its just dp Dr ok tune it is. But how will the healing take place when the symptoms.of it make me wanna die.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Yes. Well all I really want is to be related to so thank you. Can u tell me all the thoughts u have and what u feel? Just helps my doubt that its dp.... As I said I dont think its anything else just think I know too much or somethin


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Okay.... Does seeing and hearing scare u. Just like how and where am i


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## Thidwick (May 30, 2012)

Let's review.

*You cannot recover from DP by trying to recover from DP.*

What I mean by that is that, by searching for a "cure," you're constantly signaling to your brain that there is a problem. This keeps the anxiety loop going. Things aren't going to be normal when you're constantly convinced that they aren't. You have to accept that you are experiencing dissociation and move on. The link I provided earlier is called "Nothing Works" not to be cute but because that's literally how you combat this -- by doing nothing. As long as you search for "something" to make you feel better, your anxiety will be sky-high because you think there is a problem and you won't be able to recover. Only once you realize that there isn't a problem -- that your brain isn't damaged, that you're simply experiencing a temporary sensation -- can you recover. Live your life. Stop the constant introspection. It will be difficult at first, but things will improve.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I did go back for days and started having panic attacks.... So no I cannot go back again as I think I am.in more of a severe.stage than u. I can't sit in my own room without crying in terror. I feel like I don't wna live anymore because I dunno what that is. I have bveer experienced dp like this before. But I'm trying to believe its dp. Even tho i feels like I'm a new born baby.... My brain does flips and turns. But I have.nothing left to lose so will try just letting it be. The things is I do this. But then I break down in hysterics. Read that nothing works its good. It's just at this point I finding it hard to believe its.dp I just think ive thought about thinking about thinking about thinking to the point where I dunno wat the hell is going on.anymore. I know theres no cure on this site. There never has been. Just a temporary comfort and someone who relates. Sometimes.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I dont care about the panic attacks. I just don't wanna live anymore because of pure confusion. I know what it is to have dp and to get over it and how. But I'm sorry this time it feels not like dp and just insurmountable. I'm stayin busy but do not tell me to go to work when u don't know my situation. I have to have my mam sit with me because I'm terrified to move. This does not feel like dp. I feel like I just realised everything I know is learned and I don't have my own mind and don't wanna be alive. Yes I'm negtaive because I have been crying and panicing for a long time and nothing I do is working. Just went for a four mile walk there and came back and cried my eyes out in terror because I'm so scared of existence and of my own.mind. how could this be dp. How. Yes I'm very distressed. Don't get angry at me for it. But u cant see how bad things are through writing. I appreciate all ur help. But help for me wud be convincing me that all I'm experiencing is dp. But none of what om exeperiencing sounds like the symptoms. Because ive had dp before. I dont think I have anything else I just think I'm so far gone. I.don't feel cut off or numb. I'm just petrified of everthing and.wonder how I.can.see and hear things. And that I dont.want to. That everything I know has been taught to me... Could this be because my sense of self is removed at the.moment so nothing makes sense?


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks. Well I never experienced dp in this way no. I feel like I just belong no where. And yes its pure naked fear. As I said I went deep into my buried emotions.for weeks with my therepist and for 6 weeks straight I was curled up in a ball feelinh all the pain I had buried for so many years. And I was flooded with feelings and fear I did not understand. Panic all day all nyt no sleep. Brink of death fear. That pain has slowly subsided. But now that the tsunami is over this is the result. And I now fear this feeling because its literally mind boggling. The feeling makes me.come up with these weird theories like maybe I jsut wasnt meant to be here or maybe my parents didn't teach me how to be a person. Or maybe I just was fooled my whole life. Do u relate to this. Well yes maybe u thee accepted it so even tho the terrifying symptoms.are there u know it will go. That's our difference. Xx


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I have these crazy thoughts though that all I know I don't really know. Do u have feelings u cannot put into words? I.feel like ive been whiped clear of everything I know but yet I logically know things. Very hard.to explain. Its like I feel like I.dont know things. And feel like I shudnt be here. As if being anywhere as me is weird. Its the most confusing state of mind. Ye my therepist knows what's happening. Shes texts me every day but yes I feel kinds left. Even tho.nothing can be done now but time. But at this point my huge issue is.believeing this is something that.can go. Ive gotten so hopeless and depressed my mind is just sooo tired. Being alive is like an.effort. cause I still look like Katie. Yet I dunno why I was ever Katie to begin with. I suppose it doesn't feel like dp to me because I have never experiencd it this severely.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks cherry. I appreciate the time and care u are putting into writing back to me. I also have had moments that have felt normal even today. But I sabbotage myself by saying no I'm alive and I don't know why. So u need to freak out. Do u have times where this feels like the way u feel is right and u wonder how u played along with it before. ? Almost like u were fooled into thinking this is all normal? But yet it always was normal to me... I feel like i had a piece of my brain taken out that made me feel like this place is normal. And because u think thru ur brain u think in a fuckd up way. And its hard to stand outside of it and say no brain ur talking shit. And maybe ur right ive never experience dissociation this ever .because when I think dp I think no self numb disoreintated. Which ive had before but that is not this. To me this is much more frightening because even tho my sense of self is gone I'm not numb I'm very very scared. But it tricks me into thinking I'm scared of everything in life. Which I wasn't before anxiety. My anxiety started four years ago because I was repressing all.my feelings without me.knowing. so when they came into my consciousness it was like a tsunami and my mind and body froze in fear.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

So basically it doesn't matter what I'm thinkin.about or how different are thoughts are. Our minds are tryin to make sense of the dissociation we are feeling . Ur thoughts seem more more like worries. But it seems to u its normal to be alive and in a reality. Where as to me it seems feast.and that I sudbht be here. I'm jsut so sensetive right now so even the fact that u dont think what I'm thinking I then think well then she has dp I'm just fkd. If I 100% knew that what I was exeperiencing was severe dp I know myself I cud accept that it wud go. Its the doubt. Because the symptoms I feel I cant even but into words. Just terror... I'm a fucker for wanting reassurance 24/7 because I'm so frail at the moment.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Even still what I say doesn't explain it. I know who and what I am but its like I cant enjoy my life because I am too aware that everything I know is learned. So I look at ppl and think ah im meant to think this is normal but I only think that cause its the way its always been. Almost like I'm fighting saying my natural instincts. Like being aware of being aware. Its like my mind is in.over.drive. I am not in the moment. I keep thinking I only know all this because ive been taught it... So hard to explain. Its like there's know spontanaity because I will be in a situation and I'm aware i was born and this is my life and im human so I'm supposed to play along with this. But theres a part of me goin hold on a.sec ur being fooled. I dunno if that makes sense. But definately a tired mind on overdrive happening.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I feel like i dunno who I am but what i mean is I logically know who and what I am so I know that will come


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Bill. So u think I shud still stop looking for comfort because ive been told what it is I'm experiencing. Obviously have never been this.distressed before if u cant understand why I'm so frightened. I'm doing my best. And have tried to keep calm in.the ladt 24 hours regardless of the fact that my mind wants to cry. Should I not break down when I feel like I need to?


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I think she meant the uncle bill part. Ha. Yes u are right bill. I have been trying today and things are a lot easier. Its just I then think well maybe they don't actually know exactly how I feel cause even tho u say that its classic dp. It doesn't sound like it. Sounds more severe and complex. Because I have had dp before. But nothing like this. This doesn't feel. Like a.condition. so unless its tricking me I don't know. But I keep posting my symptoms and the severity because its not anything I have seen before. As I said im not numbish sense of self isn't bothering me really and I don't feel.cut off or weird vision. Which is what I knew to be dp. Yet I dunno what else it could be. Some part of me knows but the other is so afraid its not as simple.as that.


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## leakedmiley (Apr 19, 2014)

You need to relax, think more positive and if that doesn't help, possibly get more professional help, explain to them what's going on and maybe they can put your mind at rest, there's only so much people on here can do for you, you need to be brave and do something more positive to relieve you of your condition/symptoms.


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