# Learning to Love (I've rewritten the past and editted it!)



## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Coming home has always been hard. I have always felt it was impossible to explain WHY that is, but I can now. My mother has been ill most of her life. As well as spending time in hospital as a baby, thus affecting her sense of ?attachment?, her mother was a plainly evil person. By the time she was my age, she had started her career of psychotic breakdowns.

Over the years she has merely existed, sitting in her chair all day smoking ****. It is clear that she has no personal fulfilment to speak of and yet she lacks insight into the abnormality of her situation ? she still thinks she is ?right?. Thus, her lifestyle has been the yardstick for normality in our house.

The crucial topic I wish to discuss is that of personal boundaries. I have been aware for a long time that I lacked boundaries, but after having developed in some ways in the last year, I have come back to look at what goes on in this house with new eyes.

It is clear now that I am not the only one with issues of boundary. My sisters do as well. These days I am more of a uniting force than the sca[e-goat. But my mum is still very resistant to me and my love...it's just the way she is. She chooses conflict and fear over unity, happiness and peace. I don't know why she is like that but it's a pain in the arse for anyone who lives with her.

These days I try and help her without getting dragged in. But I have recognised that I need to increase the trust in other relationships I have ie with people who are there to help me, not hurt me.

Hope all are well.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Wow, that was very well written.

I think you have some great points about autonomy, which is something I have issues with as well. Its kind of strange: since we feel so bad we expect there to be some cataclysmic event that must have damaged us at some stage. We try to remember what it was, we reach for it but grasp at straws and memories that don't exist. Eventually we realise that it wasn't some massive physical trauma but a whole chain of much more subtle mental and emotional events that incrementally hurt us.

I find it quite rewarding to find these little events and break them down, though it takes a lot of work and its very complex.

I think you are very articulate and you seem to have developed a keen third eye  You are able to see how your parent's emotional state has effected you over the years and that's a very positive sign 

You don't think your mother loves you. You believe she is devoid of love. I can see how you would think this, because in your description you are equating those hurtful situations (like her demanding you get off the phone and do what she wants) with a person who is devoid of love.

However I want to challenge this idea. I do think that your mother loves you, if you want to accept it or not. Everyone's motivation is love of something, its just that different people express their love in different ways. In your mother's case, she has a very confused idea of what love is due to her own experiences as a child.

You speak about how you don't want to interfere with anyone else's motivation and deserve the same in return (autonomy). I think this is an important point and very valid. You also say that you can understand where your mother is coming from.

Its quite tricky but love and your mother's emotional state go hand in hand. She is expressing her love for you in the only way she knows how. It happens that this has hurt you over the years. The trick is to be accepting and find some way to coexist (Either that or move out of home). I have and have had a lot of problems with this over the years too.

Your parents are, until you grow up, always bigger than you. We model ourselves on them and so naturally we take on their issues as well. But we eventually reach a stage when we want to break free of the energies that we took on from them and learn to be ourselves. So, how do you do that when your parents aren't changing and they constantly reinforce those patterns? It causes a lot of tension and I don't have the answer.

P.S. Where are you from? I assume not America because you spelled it "mum"


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Hi Cecil, 
I'm from Norwich in the east of England - it is completely geographically flat place. That flatness makes it a bit boring. I now live in Sheffield and while it isn't cultured up there, all the terrace houses and hills make you feel you live more closely to other people, and I like that. They really do seem to have a better sense of humour up in Yorkshire. Most of the things people say are humourous in one way or another. Down here in Norwich things seem a bit emotionally flat as well as physically flat.

I have read your post on Attack on America caused by America, and you say that there is nothing in the world but love. That helps me to better understand what you are saying in your post. I don't see my mother's actions as being born of love. I don't deny that somewhere underneath all the crap there is a person with the potential to love, but most of what she does is inconsiderate to other people. My mum is a very interesting person, but that she may be kind but her actions are not doesn't make her acceptable to me. I believe love should be expressed in physical means.

This brings me back to my sister. She frequently acts one way and they says "blood's thicker than water", or "I'm always there for you" etc. One summer this happened at the extreme. I was on holiday at hers in Spain and she came back to England to collect my little sister. When I was there my ex and I were falling in love and he stayed over one night. We were laying in bed talking at night, not thinking we were disturbing anyone. 
As it turns out, my sister's boyfriend wasn't happy, and he then did the most dispicable thing. He turned my sister against me. I would listen to him talking to her on the phone each night and he would rave on and on about "la chica" and "chico"...she phoned up and got angry with me without hearing my side of the story. In the end, I went to stay at my boyfriend's house. Then when my sisters came back to Spain, I went to the airport with the older one's boyfriend ---and she ignored me for the whole trip. Then when we got back I confronted them both over them slagging me off in Spanish in the car. As I was dissociated at the time, this situation was just too awful. I couldn't face going round hers again for the rest of the summer, so I didn't get to see my little sister. Of course, i was then considered a "bad person". After all of that, she said "I'll aways be there for you, you can always come here, whenever you like".

I had to tell her straight that I couldn't stay under the same roof as her boyfriend.

It's harsh, but how can there be any justice if peoples' wrong doing is explained by remarks such as "she loves you really"?

Please take this as an invitation to respond...


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Family dramas are always difficult, because its not like you can just leave and never see the person again. I think we do have permanent ties to our family and even if they hurt us, we still love them.

Love is unconditional and it is eternal, not fleeting. You can't just turn your love on and off (If you try it literally causes pain).

I think an important step in healing is learning acceptance (of yourself and of other people). Its quite a difficult thing to do, for example in your case, how can you forgive your mother for all of the terrible things she's done to you? How can you accept her for who she is if who she is constantly assaults your very sense of self? How can you forgive your sister for speaking ill of you behind your back?

All very difficult questions to answer, but I'm confident its possible


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Thankyou for your kind response Cecil. I'm glad you see it isn't easy for me. I want to love my family more but they do make it hard for me simply because they invade my space and my sense of self. They do that to each other too. And believe me, I have thought of not going back before. It is not like my mother has every actually appreciated me as a daughter. She never made me welcome. She never gave to me lovingly. It was always about her and that has caused so much damage, not only for me but for my big and little sisters as well. With my big sister it is getting easier because she now acknowledges my mum has been wrong. Previously she would never admit that, so whenever I mentioned my pain, which was really strongly apparent in my life, manifesting as depression, low self-esteem and controllingness, she would get defensive and try to shut me up. Thankfully she now accepts that mum has hurt me, and that she has been hurt too, and we are working together to make each other feel better about ourselves and our prospects.

Sadly, there are now problems in my big and little sisters' relationship. They used get along the best out of all of us. But now my little sister just can't accept my big sister's tendency to be paranoid and unreasonable there are real problems. Both of them say they dislike each other and the little one, who is the most healthy out of us three girls, was actually happy to when the other one went back home after visiting for Christmas. I was also a bit relieved, but very very sad, because during the week that I had with my big sister, there was no progression in our sistership. She was depressed, angry, tearful, accusatory, paranoid and unreasonable all week long. She really couldn't see it when I was being nice to her. I feel so bad for her.

She left a little fluorescent pink diary on the bedside table, accidentally, and it had notes to self like:

"You are beautiful" and "well done you did really well today".

It broke my heart to read it because I could relate to her pain. The sadest thing of all is that she is really beautiful, especially physically, and she just cannot see that.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

miss_starling said:


> Thankyou for your kind response Cecil. I'm glad you see it isn't easy for me. I want to love my family more but they do make it hard for me simply because they invade my space and my sense of self.


I can relate to this as my family does that too, though in different ways to yours. Sometimes it feels as though my self is being squelched and squashed. On the plus side it reinforces my understanding of how my health problems over the years developed.



> With my big sister it is getting easier because she now acknowledges my mum has been wrong. Previously she would never admit that, so whenever I mentioned my pain, which was really strongly apparent in my life, manifesting as depression, low self-esteem and controllingness, she would get defensive and try to shut me up. Thankfully she now accepts that mum has hurt me, and that she has been hurt too, and we are working together to make each other feel better about ourselves and our prospects.


Its very good to hear that you have this sort of relationship with your sister  I think its very helpful to have someone to support and to support you and that it can bring you closer together. I have a relationship like this with my Sister, who is going through similar problems to me as well, so we are very close.

I can also relate to the denial you are talking about. Throughout my life when I would try to talk to my parents about depression I would be shut down as if nothing was wrong and I just needed to "Eat better and excercise more". It can be very hurtful and is really just a continuation of having your feelings go unvalidated throughout your life.



> She left a little fluorescent pink diary on the bedside table, accidentally, and it had notes to self like:
> 
> "You are beautiful" and "well done you did really well today".


 Its a positive sign that she is giving herself positive affirmation though.

Take care


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## Space Addict (Dec 5, 2006)

I can totally relate to having to witness and bare the burden of a parent who suffers from emotional harship. I have lived through a series of traumatic experiences in my life and always seemed to cope with them fine. I felt that sinse I wasnt directly being hurt by someone or somethiing that I would not suffer the effects. But now I realize that even being a witness to such things can have a great affect on a person.

Damage to a human soul can be subtle and take place over a long period of time...And in time like most things, this tragic string of events all managed to catch up with me. I believe I suffer greatly from it and also having to still witness my mothers sorrows I am constantly reminded.

You cant heal the past but you can leave it behind. I just wish the sorrows would leave me or rather the affects of such events. But thats life, we are very sensative creatures and only with love and a proper truth can we overcome these worldly infirmities.


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## Space Addict (Dec 5, 2006)

And also I would like to mention that for a long time I felt like I was being neglected because my mom was too caught up in her own issues to give me the amount of love and affection I desired. Id see other families that were so tight and always wished Id had one like that.

But recently Ive talked to a people (especially ones in other cultures) who have had nearly no loving connections at all. One in particular had mentioned that he had never been hugged by a female not even his mother and that no one had ever said they loved him. And this is a nice person, attractive and smart and still being neglected.

Ive come to realize that some people live 30 years and never once hear the words "I love you". It is very sad, so I can really appreciate the times my mom does tell me she loves me.

Its important to remember that theres always someone else who has it much worse than you and that you are never alone. The best way to recieve love is to be the first one to give it. And when you do give love, give it unconditionally..you cant expect people to return it. Be an example for people not a reflection of people. :wink:


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Space Addict said:


> But now I realize that even being a witness to such things can have a great affect on a person.


If you think about it, parents are always like gods to children. They are the child's entire world and so very literally the child models their internal landscape on their parents. We learn to cope with things like our parents cope with them. This is why children take on the emotional baggage of their parents.



> You cant heal the past


Yes you can! The past is only an energetic construction within ourselves. All that exists for us is right here and now. If you want to change your past you need only revisit the energy within yourself.



> The best way to recieve love is to be the first one to give it. And when you do give love, give it unconditionally..you cant expect people to return it. Be an example for people not a reflection of people. Wink


Very wise words Space Addict  Furthermore, the more love you give the more you recieve, which makes you feel better and more willing to give love. Its a positive feedback loop of the coolest variety 8)


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