# Dating Sites



## Guest (Sep 9, 2011)

I just got a mail out of the blue from a dating site I apparrently joined three years ago for a laugh. Curious about what I had put in my profile I went to take a look. Here's a selection of things I wrote:

_ ABOUT ME:
hello, I am an extraordinary man. Sometimes I advise NASA on how to put gunpowder up their rockets and how to stick cowpats up their greenshoots. There is little anyone can do to combat this._

(I have no idea what this means either.)

_FIRST DATE:
If you were lucky enough to find yourself on a date with me, after you had gotten over the shock of being so blessed, I would take you on a tour of my pants draw, then I would evaporate your strange smell._

And here's the clincher. Check this:

_INTERESTS:
I am interested in YOU_










So, after three years, I have recieved "0" replies.

The site rates my outlook as "MIXED".

I think it's safe to say I'd had a few drinks. And I wonder why Im single!

I don't think I'de ever use one of those meat-markets for real tho.


----------



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

That is pretty hilarious!!


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

LOL awesome


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Phantasm said:


> So, after three years, I have recieved "0" replies.
> 
> The site rates my outlook as "MIXED".


AWESOME AD!

So much for consumer reports.

Check your SPAM filter, maybe you missed someone

Looking for NASA man!


----------



## Guest (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks visual! How could I have missed those delectable beauties?

But I'm lonely, not desperate!









Quite fancy the 2nd one, Thomasina Hanks! lol


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Cupid will provide


----------



## Guest (Sep 28, 2011)

OMG lol

Maybe cupid can hook me up with a nice lady! 
(Im too young for those redheads! And I dont get to say that often these days!Haha)


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Beavis will provide a younger model


----------



## Guest (Oct 3, 2011)

She's very picturesque, but abit of a poser!


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Phantasm said:


> She's very picturesque, but abit of a poser!


Who, Beavis ?!?!?

If you look closely you can see that this model has been photo-shopped just a little - See how smooth and without blemish her skin is. Classic sign of editing. Otherwise so realistic &#8230; you can almost hear her whispering, "NASA men"


----------



## Guest (Oct 3, 2011)

Ya know, Im not really sure about you being my dating guru!!

I think I need to try another agency!!


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Ok, Ok, ... so lets move from who to what - on to dating behavior


----------



## Guest (Oct 3, 2011)

Visual, It cost me $43.99 to join the Visual Dating Agency plc, and so far you havn't even set me up with a member of my own species!

-nice beavers btw-

Can you fix me up with a nice brunette? (I like brunettes) Otherwise I want my money back.


----------



## ladybugz (Feb 6, 2011)

As if you'd really need any help getting hooked up, Phant!









Ya crack me up, Visual! hehe


----------



## Guest (Oct 4, 2011)

Aw, thanks Lady, if only that were true








As visual mentioned dating ettiquette, Ill tell you my secret.
When on a date, use subliminal messaging so she becomes aroused without knowing why by saying the word "boobies" in every sentance. Also, remember that women are insecure about their ears so always compliment them by saying "nice ears".

So, armed with this knowledge, your date will go like this:

Shakira, "Wow, Phantasm, thanks for going on a date with me. You are so very dashing and charismatic."

Phantasm, "Thanks. I liked your video 'My Hips Dont Lie'."

Shakira, "WORD. You are so mysterious."

Phantasm, *BURP*

Shakira, "I want to know everything about you. Tell me who you really are..."

Phantasm, "Well, boobies, nice ears, I work for NASA, boobies, nice ears..."

And so on and so forth. It's garanteed. She wont at all think you are bonkers and run out the door.


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

You must be patient, kind sir. Perfection is to be strived for - it is not something that is obtained over night.

As for the cost of our service, we are not a fly-by-night, hear-today-gone-tomorrow service that charges only $43.98.

Many famous and important people use our service. No names of course, confidentiality is part of our integrity.










*-nice beavers btw-*

Oh dear, we need to spruce you up on your dating vocabulary - those are Sea Otters. Now pay attention.

*When on a date, use subliminal messaging so she becomes aroused without knowing why by saying the word "boobies" in every senteance.*

As you are British, you know very well the proper term is _Knockers_. You British are such natural smoothies - it is important to speak like a proper gentleman.

*Can you fix me up with a nice brunette*

Ah yes! We have a quality client available just for you


----------



## Guest (Oct 9, 2011)

Now that's more like it. Thanks for hooking me up with this most famous of all "brunettes".









Ok, an administrative error...but that's ok.

What was that line about jello on springs? But it seems to me that she lived her life like a candle in the wind.

I do have one small reservation tho...that she might be slightly dead.
I can't help but think that this might come between us at some point in the future.

I dont have unrealistic expectations of your agency, just that you introduce me to the actress Zooey Dechanel(sp).

(Things didn't work out with Shakira.)


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Phant, The best part of this thread is you have got me wondering, 'are women actually insecure about their ears?'

*Now that's more like it. Thanks for hooking me up with this most famous of all "brunettes".

Ok, an administrative error...but that's ok.*

Ah Ha! Not an administrative error but rather a hallmark example of the quality of our service. Marilyn was truly a brunette - she dyed her hair! We do our research very carefully. You did not specify the current color - after all, beauty is only skin deep.

*I do have one small reservation tho...that she might be slightly dead.
I can't help but think that this might come between us at some point in the future.*

It is not our business to question the particular tastes of our clients. We focus on satisfaction. Some client are rather fond of a grey pallor. As for the future, "Tomorrow if promised to noone".

Also, please note the fine print of your contract: "&#8230;Visual Dating Services Ltd cannot be held responsible for the conduct or appearance of their clients. Nor whether they are actually currently breathing&#8230;"

And from another group of famous and important people who use our service:
"There's a big difference between *mostly dead* and *all dead*"









And our lovely Marilyn is still active on the big screen and the theater. She has done a number of spots for 'big tobacco'. Check her out: http://arago4.tnw.utwente.nl/stonedead/albums-cds/sketches/holy-grail/interview-with-carl-french.html

At this point you are becoming aware of the depth of quality of our service. Many great minds are consulted to best find your match.









Back to dating *style*,

A special atmosphere must be created. For this, the ultimate experts in the psychology of human relationships have been consulted [again, no names] . . .

Nothing so important as a little romantic music to set the tone of the evening. And there are those who really enjoy dancing.





As for little Zooey, she is currently assigned in another contract [no names, of course]









Here is a fine lady ... and very science minded. Although she has blonde highlights, she is totally brunette at the root of her


----------



## Guest (Oct 12, 2011)

Aha! I KNEW you were going to say that about Marilyn! She may have originally been a brunette, but she betrayed her roots...









I tried to read the small print of my contract, but it's on 27 sheets of paper, and so fine I thought it was carbon paper. In fact, I've spent the last two weeks trying to scrub the ink off my fingers, then I got arrested for a bank robbery.

And I wasn't too happy when your agency repossesed my shoes.

And Nooooo don't tell me my lovely zooey is batting for the other team!


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)




----------



## Guest (Oct 17, 2011)

Yes, it was the second ones.

I shed them three times a year.

The fact that they were used in Peter Jacksons' Lord of the Rings was outright exploitation of my gross foot problem.










Im just gonna join a monastery.
This dating malarky is too hard.


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Well, it can be hard work &#8230; many put more than just their back into the work&#8230;































All that celibacy can lead to &#8230; uh &#8230; different outlets &#8230;


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

But some still watch the girls go by &#8230;









And there are substantial benefits &#8230;









Lots of peace and quite (mostly) &#8230;

























Daily prayer and exercise&#8230;


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Visual Dating Services Ltd will be glad to hook you up with some great monasteries. State your preference, Buddhist, Benedictine, Franciscan &#8230;

































































Note: Buddhist monasteries are only available for vegetarians. Prices are based on double occupancy and are subject to availability. 'Blonde' just doesn't apply here, but there are some really cool yellow robes. Many locations not recommended for those with altitude sickness


----------



## Guest (Oct 22, 2011)

Visual said:


> Visual Dating Services Ltd will be glad to hook you up with some great monasteries. State your preference, Buddhist, Benedictine, Franciscan &#8230;
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, as we all know, the only true church is the Church of England, as founded by King Henry VIII, in opposition to people objecting to him decapitating his wives.
Destroying all the countrys' monestaries was necessary to sort out the heathens. Fair play.

So I plan on spending the rest of my days tending to the herb garden in the cloisters.
I thank you.

(Send me some of those funky robes tho. I want to contemplate in style)


----------



## Guest (Oct 26, 2011)

Bad news, Viz.
I got kicked out of the monastary for drunk and disorderly, football hooliganism and inciting a riot.

It started on a Tuesday when I asked the Abbot "What are you lookin at" no less than seventeen times during morning prayer.

Because, during the build up to our monthly football derby between our monastary, St Virginia's, and our arch rival monastary across the street, St Bottomly's, I'd plied the whole order with vodka and nitro glycerine.

It was a bit of a blur, but I do remember hitting their abbot with a frying pan.

The entire county police force was called out, 38 arrests were made, and there were 12 hospitalisations. 
Oh, and I think there were 3 fatalities.

I got the blame just because I was responsible. So unfair. I can't be held responsible for every little thing. I got the boot.

So I decided to become a hermit in the wilderness, living in a cave and surviving on moss and spring water. I would wear a loin cloth and grow a beard. But then I sat in a damp patch and decided it wasn't for me.

Then, out of the blue, Zooey realised the error of her ways and came back to me. Our converstaion went like this:

Zooey, "Oh, Phantasm, I've realised the error of my ways because you're so hunky. Whatever I did, whatever I said, I didn't mean it, I just want you back you back for good."

Chorus, "I want you back, I want you back, I want you back for good."

Phantasm, "I dunno, Zooey. You broke my heart and left me an empty shell of a man."

Zooey, "But I can't live...if living is without you!"

Phantasm, "Wellll...ok. You can be me bird again. But don't go breakin' my heart."

Zooey, "I couldn't if I tried."

Phantasm, "WORD"

Zooey, "WORD UP"

So it all worked out in the end.
(Although I did have to take out a restraining order on Shakira, who took the rejection hard, hit the bottle, and started stalking me. Turns out her hips DO lie.)


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

*So I plan on spending the rest of my days tending to the herb garden in the cloisters &#8230; got kicked out of the monastary for drunk and disorderly, football hooliganism and inciting a riot.*

You really must be more selective - the Benedictines make good booze but they just don't have a sense of humor.















If you decide again to pursue monistic pleasures, you might be happier if there is a secret tunnel to a nunnery.

















You could always immigrate to this country to increase your opportunities

















Of course there will be many temptations once you get here


----------



## Guest (Nov 24, 2011)

May the lordy jebus bless you Viz!


----------



## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

Lmao. Wtf.


----------



## dalailama15 (Aug 13, 2004)

I've been thinking about updating my dating site "profile." -

Sexually inept, socially inadequate, under employed, looser seeks antithesis.

SomethIng like that.

Anyway.


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

dalailama15 said:


> I've been thinking about updating my dating site "profile." -
> 
> Sexually inept, socially inadequate, under employed, looser seeks antithesis.
> 
> ...


*Well, we have applicants from all walks in life and incomes*&#8230;
















*And can help solve your fundamental issues *&#8230;

















*So forget the stereotypes found on most dating services*&#8230;


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

*And pull you head out, start the process, taste success*&#8230;

















*Lets begin with exotica and mystery &#8230; the ones who keep you guessing and wondering, "why?"* &#8230;


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Huggy Bear said:


> Dude, your stuff is truly visual! Keep it coming :smile:


Like our name, our service is *distinctive*&#8230;









Are you *stuck* in a rut, need some assistance?









Abracadabra - we find the gal for you &#8230;









Ooops, sometimes we get carried away ... Next please&#8230;










And now for the ladies, we offer sophistication&#8230;


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

More satisfied customers...

















--->










__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content

















--->


----------



## doritocakes (May 20, 2012)

lol I joined okcupid and all I put on my profile was: "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Cthulhu cultist and nihilist." I got so many replies. Everyone and their mother wanted to date me.


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Avoid the pitfalls of *OTHER* dating services

































Just compare Our services ...



















So WHAT are you WAITING for


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

DPD2 said:


> Mona Lisa turning in to Nosferatu hah
> 
> cool images Visual


We aim to please ... like the oldest profession on earth


----------

