# You have the answer. You always had. - My study into DP experince



## CameraEye (Dec 27, 2011)

You have the answer. You always had.

After a year of suffering from depersonalization I feel I need to tell others about my experience, as well as my thoughts of this topic. Things I am about to write may help, since I have discovered a lot of helpful techniques that helped me personally. Hopefully they will help others as well. This report is a summery of my findings and thoughts on what I believe is the reason to almost any DP case.

_"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable."
Lucius Annaeus Seneca_

During my research I have noticed an interesting pattern - people who are affected by depersonalization disorder (DP) are by nature very sensitive to their environment. Originally they may think not like others, feel emotions more deeply, have vast "inner world". You see, people like that very often are not satisfied with their lives. They strive for something more, dream of distant shores, imagine themselves living their lives to the fullest. People with strong will go on doing things they truly want and nothing will stop them. They see where they want to be and they reach for their goals. Their minds and identities are firm. For others, myself as well, such things can be more difficult. There are many factors that affect our lives - family, work; it can be some tragedies that happened in the past - things that hold you physically and mentally. Sometimes we believe that we can't just leave everything and do what we want - there are obligations in our lives and you have to do what you have to do. So, eventually, we become people who struggle between how they actually live their life and how they wish they were living their life. It brings disbalance and a feeling of duality to our existence.

Now I will tell you a bit about myself.
Previously I was like any other regular person - dreamed of a well paid job, big house, the usual stuff. I was sure that the world goes exactly as should - people live how they suppose to, politics and economics are done as they should. But as a matter of fact I never actually knew what a want to do. I was a lot concerned with what other people think about me. This made me wish that I was someone else - that I was more handsome, that girls will be lining up to date with me, that I had a great sense of style. I wanted to be cool like the guys on the tv. Things became worse when I moved to the UK where people are crazy about how they look and what they wear. The thing is that I genuinely wanted to be someone else. 
But then, a year ago, one moment came. It struck me like a hammer in the head. I have realized that all of the things I always wanted and the values I had actually never made any sense. They were stupid. I realized how illogical the world was - with all of its false emotions, passion for consuming things, false politics. For the first time in my life I have realized how illusionary the society is. I have opened my eyes.

_"The function of man is to live, not to exist." Jack London_

This revelation had a great impact on me. At that moment I was constantly stressed with my studies in the university, I wasn't sleeping properly. I always had the thought if I don't study well I will not be able to fit into society. I was constantly under pressure. Things were piling up like snow and with my new discovery everything collapsed in a massive avalanche.
What happened next you are all familiar with - constant thought that spiral in my head; lack of sleep; distorted vision; sense of unreality - all the symptoms. I felt awful 
I think that this happened to me because of the great stress and because my values and ideas have shifted so drastically and so fast that my brain just couldn't handle it. But there is another idea why this happened which I will tell later.

As all of you, I thought I was going mad. But I knew one fact. And all of you need to remember this - when a person is schizophrenic and going mad he can't distinguish his illusions and hallucinations from reality. He doesn't notice and understand that he is going insane. We, on the other hand perfectly understand that something is not right with us. If you want to know how it might feel to go crazy check the movie Machinist with Christian Bale. 
I always had a practical way of thinking. So I said to myself - "you haven't changed. The world hasn't changed. What has changed is your way of perceiving the world and yourself." I have started doing research and found that I was experiencing DP. So naturally all of the things I was experiencing were just symptoms of an illness. I have started reading other people stories. And there I have found a first mistake (in my opinion) that a lot of people do. They lock themselves in their rooms. They are scared of going out and talking to people so they stop doing that. They stop doing a lot of things that they used to do because they believe that they will have a panic attack and lose consciousness. This is just stupid. They sit in their rooms and constantly think and check how they fill and focus on the symptoms, and that makes things only worse. The first rule of overcoming depersonalization is to stop being afraid. Personally for me, no matter how I felt, I had to go to the uni, I had to socialize with the people. Sure it was sometimes scary and uncomfortable but I was doing my best. It helped me distract myself from DP. I even applied for part time jobs and had interviews with serious people in suits, and everything was all right. I have even found myself a girlfriend. The fear is unreasonable. The more you fear panic attacks the more you are going to focus your attention on the way you fill and as soon as you feel like panicking you will focus on that and start to feel much worse. DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT. Go on with your lives - it will help you distract yourselves.

Here are some of the things I found useful to cope with DP. 
As soon as you feel like your thought are caught in a spiral, practice to immediately stop them. Eventually you will be able to do that easily and you will become "masters of your thoughts". It is very difficult to fall asleep with DP. In that case put on some music - classical, sounds of nature and relaxation music. As you lie in bed focus on music. It will distract you. I have found that cigarettes made me feel worse - a good reason to quit smoking. However alcohol was useful. In moderate doses it puts me in a state where being tipsy mixes with feelings of DP and balances things out. Like that I feel really relaxed. But do not drink too much - it will make thing pretty bad. Trust me. And try not to become addicted to alcohol. Another tip - do sports. Do whatever you enjoy - be it martial art (will help overcome fears of socializing), jogging or swimming etc. It will help you distract yourself and will help you have a better sleep at nights. Besides it will keep you in shape. Go for walks - by yourself or with friends. Helps keeping the head clear. Last but not least - educate yourself on the topic. As a matter of fact there are plenty of books about feeling of unreality. Get yourself a book - Overcoming depersonalization and feeling of unreality: a self-help guide using cognitive behavioral techniques by Baker, Hunter, Lawrence, David. It is brilliant and very helpful. It mentions plenty of other books on this subject for you to read. There is even a Hollywood film called Numb. In it the main character suffers from DP and it is very well made describing the symptoms. Surely it is just a romantic comedy with no practical solutions. But it shows how common the illness is and you are not the only one. 
I started reading all sort of things about other mental illnesses. About the science of sleep and human body. As well as psychology. You will learn a lot of interesting things. It will give more basis for your understanding of yourself. 
Now I will tell something that requires you to have an opened mind.

_"Thought is the beginning of everything. And thoughts can be controlled. Therefore the main thing in self improvement is working on your thoughts." Leo Tolstoy. 
_
As I said before, I had another thought why all of this was happening to me. This is a challenge. An obstacle that I have to overcome. When I will do that I will come out as a winner, a better person - strong, confident of myself. This idea is not just a self-believe. You see, during my searches I have found interesting teachings of a polish psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowski. In his lifetime he developed a theory of positive disintegration. In a nutshell it is an idea that by experiencing DP, depression and other sorts of stuff it makes a person stronger and when he overcomes his illness he becomes a better person - on the next step of evolution of oneself and his mind. It is very difficult to find his works online. That made me think. Maybe, in order to truly become myself, realize what my true values in life are and understand who I am - I have to experience and overcome DP. But I was doing more research and have fund that ideas of Dabrowski are not new. There is one legendary psychologist Carl Jung. Basically he believed that psychology is not just digging in the past of ones life. In his teachings he mixed spirituality, consciousness and human behavior and how it all affects our lives. You see, it has always been said that in order to achieve spirituality and happiness, one needs to overcome great challenges. In Jungs teaching you can find such patterns of thinking. His ideas are that we are more than just people - bone and flesh. We are conciseness that has little boundaries.

I have found there is a term called spiritual crisis. As you know, with DP you feel like you have nothing to live for. Like you don't know who you are anymore. I started to ask myself a lot of questions - why do I exist, why does the universe exist, what is the purpose of my life, why I am who I am. I never thought about it before, but great philosophers of all times where breaking their head on this subject. The answer however is easy - for every person it is different. And when you realize you start to think about such things, it means this is the time to start looking for your answers.

_"While we pursue the unattainable, we make impossible the realizable." Robert Ardrey
_
I believe that each person has his own path. This path will lead him to great happiness. The thing is, first you need to start walking that path. And not everybody manages to do that. The key is to listen to your heart. In this times of troubles it is the only thing that will help you make the right choice. Give a read to stories like Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. Great inspirations. As well I suggest you read some of the Hinduism Vedas and teachings. I don't mean you should go into Hinduism. It is just that there are a lot of great thing to learn from it. As well as from Bible and Karan. You don't need to be Hindu or Christian or Muslim to appreciate the good things that those books teach.

Do you know that not every mental illness has a logical explanation to it. Sure there are illness that are directly related to changes in the human body but there a great part of them that cannot be explained. DP is one of it. You can't truly say what causes it, and it doesn't seem to change the way our brains work. There is no cure for it. You can't fully get rid of the DP symptoms. Overall DP doesn't make much sense. We try to cure such illnesses by taking lots of medicine, seeing doctors but nothing helps us. Maybe, just maybe, such illnesses are not illnesses at all? With DP we ask all these questions about the meaning of our lives. Is just a strange thoughts caused by the sick brain? Or maybe it is some sort of spiritual emergency? The way our spirit tells us - in order to achieve great happiness you need to leave your old ideas behind and embrace the new ones. Maybe the answer lies in ourselves? Try reading a book called 
Spiritual emergency: When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis by Stansilav Grof and Christina Grof. Gives some food for the mind.

_"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Friedrich Nietzsche
_
Coming back to the thing i said in the begging about not being satisfied with your life and the feel of there is much more than we believe there is, comes full circle at this moment. My theory is that DP and other psychological illnesses develop in people who have great potential but they waist it all by putting themselves in the box of false believes and fears. As a matter of fact, I think they are the lucky ones (I know it really doesn't feel like it). Dabrowskis idea was that such obstacles in life appear to gifted people. As I said, we have great potential and DP gives us the chance to rethink a lot of things and improve ourselves.

A few words about my current situation. I notice that during this year i have grown a lot. I have changed and the way I think has changed. I perfectly understand that it is stupid to hope that things will be as they used to. Instead I decide to embrace what the future is bringing. I feel sometimes some of the DP symptoms but they are very weak and I am not scared of them and don't pay any attention. Overall life seems pretty good. This year I am finishing university, which is the only thing that is holding me back right now. And all this experience has given me a lot of thoughts about what to do when I will graduate. I feel I have grown as a person. The outlook for the future is bright and I am ready to move on.

I will give you the last advices if you truly want to overcome DP. Understand one thing - in any case you will never be as you used to be. Things will never be the same again. If you try fight DP by taking medicine or some therapy you will not heal yourself. That way you will never fully get rid of these feelings of unreality. It will always be there, in the back of your head, scaring you that everything might come back. Instead try to accept the thing you are experiencing. Try to understand their reason. In every situation there is bright side. DP is the reason to look for the answers, to improve yourself and become a person you want yourself to be. It will give you a positive outlook on the future. It all may sound like a fantasy. You can say that in our world believing in this "path" and "road to happiness" is just stupid. That our world is practical and there is no place for such nonsense. Well I disagree. There are plenty of people who walked this road. Who overcame the same obstacles as we have and who have found their happiness. The problem is that the values of a modern society are distorted, therefore way of thinking is distorted. We have forgotten what truly matters. Listen your heart and it will lead you to your path. Only you control your life.

In this world full of mirrors build by liars we are only a pale reflection of ourselves. You fell to the bottom of a deep dark hole and your mirror is broken. The image of you is shattered. But in a hole, if you look up you can see the light - it exists, you just have to climb out. So first you need to pick up the pieces of your mirror and put them together. You will cut yourself, it will hurt. But with every next piece that fits the other the hole you are in becomes smaller and smaller, lifting you up. And as you put the last piece you realize that there is no hole and you are standing on the firm ground. And the mirror is no more. Instead it is a glass. For mirror sees the world from different view. But through a glass you see the world with your own eyes. The way it should be.

Thank you for your attention and for reading this. 
Please tell me your opinion on this matter.
If you want to talk to me personally email me at [email protected]


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## CameraEye (Dec 27, 2011)

Somehow I have never been to this forum before... Looked through it and I can definitely say that it has everything that a person needs to know in order to recover. As well as things I have found useful are mentioned by many other people. This means there is some sort of general formula for a recovery. interesting to know.


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## CameraEye (Dec 27, 2011)

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## Chelsea (Aug 10, 2011)

CameraEye said:


> In this world full of mirrors build by liars we are only a pale reflection of ourselves. You fell to the bottom of a deep dark hole and your mirror is broken. The image of you is shattered. But in a hole, if you look up you can see the light - it exists, you just have to climb out. So first you need to pick up the pieces of your mirror and put them together. You will cut yourself, it will hurt. But with every next piece that fits the other the hole you are in becomes smaller and smaller, lifting you up. And as you put the last piece you realize that there is no hole and you are standing on the firm ground. And the mirror is no more. Instead it is a glass. For mirror sees the world from different view. But through a glass you see the world with your own eyes. The way it should be.


This is really nice


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## meganhall45 (Jan 5, 2012)

Everyone on this forum should read this post! It is beautifully written, insightful, and uplifting. I usually choose not to read posts longer than a paragraph but I got lucky and happened to read yours (starting from the end reading to the beginning)







It was still a good read even when read in reverse. I was feeling so discouraged I just wanted someone to finally lock me up and stamp my head with "crazy" and be done with it. It's hard it truly hurts but the one thing that keeps me going is the thought of me coming out of all this as an improved shiny brand new version of myself. I hold on to a small piece of hope that I will get better.

Thank you for this post!

Thank you for not giving up!

Thank you for inspiring others!


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## Shapiro (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow. Thanks for this post. You've renewed my enthusiam to come through this.


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## Keyn (Jan 6, 2012)

Isn't it amazing that our fear of disease perpetuates the same disease even further. We become so comfortable with our issues (not happy, just comfortable), that we fear to disengage the illness and continue instead to feed the beast we wish was slain?


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

Not one other post have I actually had this much faith in. Thank you so much for shedding a lot of light on how to bring oneself up from the hole we drag ouselves into.

I started believing the answer is within. And it has given me relief. If anyone with low sepf esteem/depression/anxiety/dp (these sort of issues often are all related) is able to truely believe they have the answer within, they will have it.

I think this is one of the problems we have, or at least i have. Relying on getting answers from the external world instead of giving yourself a chance. If you do it has the petential to be strengthening.


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## Barry b (Jan 10, 2012)

First off, I'd like to add that Harris harrington's Ebook was indeed expensive but nonetheless EXTREMELY beneficial to my recovery. I had my first times dissociating about 4 months ago and I hae come along significantly. No more panic attacks or anxiety what so ever, no DR but still a little DP but not enough to make me panic again. I will tell you that anything associated with recovery has much to do with past emotional trauma with your parents/guardian. My advice to you in a nutshell is to write a narrative about your whole life and how your parents' behaviors have affected you. Also READ a lot of fictional books it helps immensely. The key is to process memories that your current state of mind doesn't want to. Most of you on here are most likely negative people like I was and change that too, that's the only way you'll recover. I used to be pessimistic and now I'm a practical and positive individual. Any questions and I'll tell you whatever you need to know to get better because I knew how much of a bitch it was.


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