# Why you feel like you do



## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

I've been there. I know the feeling. "I'm never going to be back to my regular self, and if I do recover there will be somethings I'll never be able to move past. I have acquired a new perspective on life, and I was so diluted about my existence before. This sucks." I was deep in the dark hole of depersonalization, and was stuck in endless loops of thought which all ended with thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, and loneliness.

All of this stuff seems so ridiculous to me now, but I know why I felt like this. EVERY symptom I had during the time were so mysterious, and I couldn't comprehend why all of it was happening. Now I get it, and I want you all to understand it. I know that to someone who is depersonalized, advice seems hopeful for about a minute, and then you go back to the negative outlook you had before. That is okay though.

So why do you feel so detached from your surroundings, your loved ones, and yourself? It's because you changed the way you live your life. Something initial happened to you: mental breakdown, panic attack, bad drug experience, etc. You waited and waited for this negative experience to go away, and you paid attention to all of the symptoms you were having and nothing else. During this initial experience, you prioritized your symptoms so much, that your hobbies didn't seem important, any conversation other than your negative experience was EXTREMELY difficult to pay attention to, and life started to feel weird. This is when "depersonalization/derealization" began for you. It was the start of the habit of observing your normal life while you ruminated about your shitty symptoms.

Think for a moment about an inside joke you may have once had with a group of friends. It was so funny to all of you, but to someone who isn't part of the friend group, the joke seems ridiculous. They have zero interest in it at all, and can't understand what joy the group finds in it. For you, this inside joke is your every day life. You have now pulled yourself away from life, from society, so now it seems odd. You are an observer to the world, and you question why anything makes sense to anyone else. But hey, you found interest in all of these things before, so you must have been one of those ignorant people before, and now you understand how stupid everything in the world is. Emotions are just chemicals, love is pointless, etc. Now you look in the mirror, and this person who still has the tendency to have emotions looks like any other person, but the self inside doesn't understand any of it. Quite confusing huh? So what do you do? You obsess over it.


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## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

What I want all of you to do is to just surrender to how odd everything feels, and just experience them. They will slowly start to make sense again. Someday you will get to the point I'm at now and understand how absurd your whole experience was. You will wish you had approached things differently, but will have gratitude for the life you have. 100% recovery is possible, and worth it.


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## pinkpaw (May 17, 2013)

This is exactly my experience...wow, I thought it was only me for so long :-(

I've had DP/DR (mostly DR though) for 15 months now, every day has been Hell.

I'm enrolled at Medical School and had to suspend to deal with all this, but its not going away and the feelings of helplessness makes me think going back to school is pointless. I have 2 and a half more months to get my act together before I go back, the only thing that keeps me going is thinking this isn't the real me, that one day I will magically go back to being myself, and hoping that day comes before University starts again.

What do I do to make it all go away??


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## miabella (Jun 19, 2013)

Definitely puts things into perspective. Thanks for this.


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