# Hello, 30 year veteran of DR



## Inthemoment (Jun 18, 2008)

Hello everyone. I have had DR for 30 years. Mine started on February 24, 1978, after having a bad experience with marijuana. Prior to this experience I had noticed that marijuana was affecting me differently than it was before. I would giggle a lot and hallucinate. On that fateful day I had been smoking all day and was higher than a kite. I was with a friend and I remember him playing a song on his guitar. While he was playing I began to see tracers as his hand strummed and then started to hallucinate badly. I guess that I had an extreme panic attack because my friend and his sister had to hold me down because I was shaking so hard and totally out of it. I was like this for about five hours and experiencing what can only be described as experiencing a complete psychosis. After two weeks I was almost back to normal, not quite there, but close, when I made the stupid decision to take a couple of hits off of a joint that was offered to me. I just took two hits and went right back into the psychosis. I was actively hallucinating for several days, they became less frequent and then I was left with what I called for 29 years my "buzzed feeling" For the first fifteen years I experienced DR and would hallucinate on occasion; quick flashbacks, but then after that the hallucinations pretty much stopped and I was just left in this state.

Believe it or not, for the first 29 years of this I thought I was normal. I didn't know what DR was. I hadn't even heard of the term. As I stated earlier, I used to just call it my "buzzed" feeling. Even though I felt like I was living in a dream, I was able to get my AA degree, BA degree and Masters and three teaching credentials. I'm currently working as a teacher.

In April, 2007, is when I finally began to unravel as a human being. I developed a chronic medical condition that nobody could figure out. I was in almost constant pain and very uncomfortable. A couple of months after this started I developed tinnitus in one of my ears. About a month after that I began to experience visual disturbances. Suffice to say that I began to become very anxious over all of these medical issues. One day in September I stumbled on a web site and began reading about DR, which at that point I didn't know anything about. I finally realized that what I have lived for most of my life is DR. It was a shocking discovery and my reaction to it was much like Adam and Eve after they ate the apple in the Garden of Eden. I became aware of the fact that I wasn't "normal." Although for 29 years I had a complete and full life and was blissfully unaware of my condition, I suddenly realized that I really wasn't normal and began to feel trapped in my body. I became very anxious, which became an ever increasing spiral of feeling trapped mixed in with a lot of other conflicting emotions. I began to emotionally decompensate to the point where I wanted to end my life.

I was able to stop myself from completely cycling out of control, by reminding myself over and over again that I had already lived 29 years of my life and had done very well, better than the majority of people who don't have DR. I began to piece my life back together again. I have had some setbacks where I have gone backward, but have managed to muster the courage and hope to go forward. Since I discovered what I have, I am now aware of it, which is something that I never experienced; that awareness that I was living in what can be best described as a dream world. I try to stay busy. I thank God that I am able to feel. I feel happiness, joy, anger, the gamut of emotions. I'm happy married and love my wife very much. She is exceptionally supportive.

At this point, I still have my medical problems. I have always worked out and eaten healthy, but I have really gotten more into retuning my body. I'm currently doing a cleanse and eat very healthy. I am doing my best to live In The Moment, hence the screen name I chose. I don't socialize as much, mainly because I don't feel good physically, not because of my DR.

Over the last year and a half, I have dealt with my DR by accepting that it is there. I have had it for 30 years and I accept the fact that it is part of me. There have been two times in my life where the "fog" lifted and I was 98% normal. One time when I was in my early 20's I was skiing in the mountains and for about 2 minutes I was normal and then the DR came back. This last November, 2007 I had about a ten minute period where I could feel the DR lifting and then it settled back down. The month prior to this most recent episode I had been doing a lot of EFT, which I feel was the key to this particular abatement of DR symptoms. Interestingly enough, that evening I also experienced the extreme other end. While playing a video game I began to experience the symptoms of what I went through when I originally flipped out in '78. I could feel myself getting pulled back through that portal. I broke out in a sweat and started getting scared. Before I could get sucked back in, I managed to keep myself together and keep it from happening. This happened three times for about a week after my DR symptoms had gone away during that ten minute period I had mentioned earlier.

I hypothesize that my DR exists to protect me from the trauma of when I flipped out that day. I think that the marijuana was the trigger, the catalyst, but I was already predisposed to it. I grew up in a very abusive home. My dad was a beater and I was the recipient of his outbursts on an almost daily basis for years. Being very sensitive and "aware" to begin with, I think that the abuse and marijuana acted in conjunction to cause me to trip out, which led me to develop DR. It seems that many of the people on this board are also cursed/blessed with an almost hyper awareness of themselves and the world around them. We are a sensitive bunch it seems. ( :

If I hadn't tripped out that day in 78' I don't know what would have become of me. Knowing where I was at that point in my life I probably would have become an addict and wound up dead or in jail. I never touched another drug from that day forward. My life totally went in another direction. My DR in a way saved me from an almost certain life of drug induced despair.

At this point I probably will spend the rest of my life with my DR. If it hasn't gone away for 30 years I'm hard pressed to believe that it will go away any time soon. I'm open to the possibility, but what is most important for me is to just be in the moment and live my life in the hear and now. Checking and rechecking myself is not going to change the reality of what I'm living. It is what it is. I try to justify my acceptance of my DR by telling myself that millions of people all over the world live their lives filtered through all kinds of things; drugs, alcohol, emotional pain, physical pain, mental illness, anxiety, being crippled, missing a limb(s) etc. My life is filtered through my DR, but that does not mean my life means less. My perception of myself is just that, my perception of myself. For all intensive purpose, everyone else thinks I'm normal. I've accomplished a lot in my life and there is still more to learn and do. Although I accept that I will have some bad days, I know that my life will keep on going forward. It's the only direction that truly exists.

Nice to meet all of you.

ITM


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## cyberafrica (Feb 14, 2008)

Hey ITM

Welcome!

Even though you have had DPD for so long, you are still so positive, this is truly inspirational.

Look forward to hearing about how you have coped all these years in your day to day life with DPD. :?:

Keep well.

CA


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## stager (Jun 25, 2008)

Hey It's my first time replying or saying anything on this forums , I had the same thing I thought I was normal but i wasn't , but mine wasn't so long ago, its been like 4 or 5 I be leave, I was 14 or 15 when I got it . I thought I was maturing lol. But have since then I been kind of freaking out. Like ever since then , I cant get it out of my mind .


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## tarkywest (Jul 1, 2008)

Hi your story is really inspirational - I think you are right there is a relief in just knowing what it is and this can bring some relief in itself - you are right you just have to live with it its something I'm trying to learn how to do - I hope I can feel again though - that part is starting to worry me. Anyway thanks again for your inspirational story. xTracy


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

"I hypothesize that my DR exists to protect me from the trauma of when I flipped out that day"

ive thought this quite a few times myself... i cannot begin to imagine the horror you must have experienced these past 30 years

ive been solid DR with slight DP for the past 7 years of my life (bye bye 20s !) .. ive had DP all my life but smoking weed in 2001 somehow "activated" it more

have you tried any drug interventions? ive tried every form of CBT in the book.. i recon dp/dr can be a behavioral thing in some people, but i think in my case its just fucked up brain chemistry after the weed .. and a bit before then (feeling like im a robot, walking round my neigbourhood and it feeling like its from another dimension.. etc)

anyway from what ive found from what ive managed to read:

in people like me, who have a partial response to cipramil 60mg(celexa) a cocktail of klonopin 0.25-3mg (clonazepam) plus either lamotrigine (200-300mg) / toprimate (dose unknown) seem to have a good response ... im just waiting for an NHS doc with an open mind (whos not from a 3rd world country and advises me to get a fucking arranged marrige to solve my problems) who is actually willing to prescribe this to me 

sorry for the rant ....6 cans of beer does this to me


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## yoda (Jul 8, 2008)

Hello 30 year veteran. This is my first post to this site. Your title caught my eye because I too have had this for 30 years now. I share many things. I had an abusive father. I tried pot at a young age and was hyper sensitive to it. I went through some extreamly difficult times in my early 20's when this hit. But I stayed in colleged and managed to get my engineering degree. I got some help mostly from yoga and meditation. I improved somewhat after a few years, got married, built a house and had 1 child. But I've been in and out of fog for 30 years now. I didn't know I had dp until just a year ago (from surfing). But I always knew I was somehow screwed up, I just thought I was the only one. I even went thorough every test at the Mayo Clinic and even stumpped every expert there. (that was long ago). So I would like to chat more. I do have my experience posted on another site I can share another time.

yoda.


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## Inthemoment (Jun 18, 2008)

yoda said:


> Hello 30 year veteran. This is my first post to this site. Your title caught my eye because I too have had this for 30 years now. I share many things. I had an abusive father. I tried pot at a young age and was hyper sensitive to it. I went through some extreamly difficult times in my early 20's when this hit. But I stayed in colleged and managed to get my engineering degree. I got some help mostly from yoga and meditation. I improved somewhat after a few years, got married, built a house and had 1 child. But I've been in and out of fog for 30 years now. I didn't know I had dp until just a year ago (from surfing). But I always knew I was somehow screwed up, I just thought I was the only one. I even went thorough every test at the Mayo Clinic and even stumpped every expert there. (that was long ago). So I would like to chat more. I do have my experience posted on another site I can share another time.
> 
> yoda.


Hi Yoda,

I'm sorry I didn't answer you earlier. I don't check this sight to often. Feel free to e-mail me.

I think I was very sensitive to weed too, but when you are young you think you are immortal, unstoppable, that nothing can stop you. I had enough clues, but chose to ignore them. I can't do anything about it now. It is what it is. At least I'm not dead.

I don't even bother looking for a "cure" anymore. There isn't one per se. The closest thing to a cure is just accepting it and not fighting it. The more you fight it, the worst it gets and the worst it gets the more anxious you get. It's a cycle I'm no longer part of.

I have a great life. Obviously, I'd like to change a few things, but after 30 years I'm not holding my breath that I'm going to wake up "normal."

Stay in touch.

ITM

Please stay in touch.


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## Inthemoment (Jun 18, 2008)

MrMister said:


> "I hypothesize that my DR exists to protect me from the trauma of when I flipped out that day"
> 
> ive thought this quite a few times myself... i cannot begin to imagine the horror you must have experienced these past 30 years
> 
> ...


I don't drink anymore. I don't think it makes things any better; at least in the long term. I'm glad that medication helps some people, but it seems it just helps them relax enough to deal with their DP/DR. It probably would be better to meditate and live as stress free as possible. Drugs have never cured anybody. They just mask the problems.


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

"Drugs have never cured anybody. They just mask the problems."

very true..!

but if i have to take 100 pills a day to become a normal person again ill do it... even if its a lethal cocktail and would kill me within 10 years 

just dont care anymore


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## ThreePlateDan (Aug 30, 2008)

> Drugs have never cured anybody. They just mask the problems.


I've been helped tremendously for my dp by abilify and lexapro. No it doesn't cure the problem as I continue to have to take the medicines, but it doesn't mask the problem either as I think much more clearly and no longer feel like I'm in a movie.


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

take it away dan and your back to square one.. it is just masking the prob unfortunatley

you'd think after all the hype surrounding "numb" at least some pharma company would begin researching this activley

but then again maybe theres not enough money in it :/ scumbags...


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## ThreePlateDan (Aug 30, 2008)

I suppose it depends on your definition of "mask". SSRIs and antipsychotics actually change the way the neurotransmitters function, often reducing the problem. I guess I don't consider that "masking" but neither do I consider it a "cure". I consider it successful treatment of the core problem though.


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

your like a small terrier with a rag dan


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