# Will I e-v-e-r recover?



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I'm so close to giving up right now. I look at my kids and it hurts so bad to know I could have had a life with them, but I'm trapped inside this dark place.
I'm dp'd 24/7 still, after like a million months, it feels like nothing changes. I've started having horrible dp-attacks again, and I'm scared one of them will put me back at the beginning again. I'm scaaared!!! I seriously need someone to talk to, I just can't find the courage or strength to pick up a phone. And I hate talking about how I feel!

There is so much going on in my life that's hard right now, and I just can't deal with it! I don't want to wake up another day, I just really really don't!

I know it's not an option to kill myself, but I'm wondering if I'll get so desperate one day soon I'll do it anyway.

Please no thumbs down, I feel so alone, I don't need hate right now.


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## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

York said:


> I'm so close to giving up right now. I look at my kids and it hurts so bad to know I could have had a life with them, but I'm trapped inside this dark place.
> I'm dp'd 24/7 still, after like a million months, it feels like nothing changes. I've started having horrible dp-attacks again, and I'm scared one of them will put me back at the beginning again. I'm scaaared!!! I seriously need someone to talk to, I just can't find the courage or strength to pick up a phone. And I hate talking about how I feel!
> 
> There is so much going on in my life that's hard right now, and I just can't deal with it! I don't want to wake up another day, I just really really don't!
> ...


Im sorry







I know most of us feel your pain. Keep talking it out here.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

hang out with us in the chat. it sucks but you're not alone.


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## opie37060 (Jan 9, 2010)

surfingisfun001 said:


> hang out with us in the chat. it sucks but you're not alone.


I don't know if the chat is such a good place to be comforted. Everytime im on chat there are a bunch of young kids just talking about doing drugs and swearing. Maybe im wrong but it just seems that way.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Oh York. Hang on!! God I feel for you. Don't think about the span of time you've been suffering. Just focus on getting to the next moment! I know that helps me.

Wishing u all my strength,

Phoenix


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

opie37060 said:


> I don't know if the chat is such a good place to be comforted. Everytime im on chat there are a bunch of young kids just talking about doing drugs and swearing. Maybe im wrong but it just seems that way.


Your absolutely right, the chat here is for people to go and troll.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

There are some absurd things that happen in the chat but what can you expect, it's a chat for people suffering mentally. There is also private chat so if you find someone you want to chat with and don't want to see all the BS you can chat one on one with people.


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## Felicity (Feb 7, 2011)

*sends you loving thoughts and energies*
Hang in there! You'll be okay and it WILL go away, you'll look back on this condition one day and laugh


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## Clark (Jan 18, 2011)

York said:


> I'm so close to giving up right now. I look at my kids and it hurts so bad to know I could have had a life with them, but I'm trapped inside this dark place.
> I'm dp'd 24/7 still, after like a million months, it feels like nothing changes. I've started having horrible dp-attacks again, and I'm scared one of them will put me back at the beginning again. I'm scaaared!!! I seriously need someone to talk to, I just can't find the courage or strength to pick up a phone. And I hate talking about how I feel!
> 
> There is so much going on in my life that's hard right now, and I just can't deal with it! I don't want to wake up another day, I just really really don't!
> ...


Hang in there, I have had this off and on for 20 years and im somedays am feeling pretty good. Feel free to message me any time.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Thank you for all of your replies. Take care.


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## JoCZker (Jul 31, 2009)

York said:


> I'm so close to giving up right now. I look at my kids and it hurts so bad to know I could have had a life with them, but I'm trapped inside this dark place.
> I'm dp'd 24/7 still, after like a million months, it feels like nothing changes. I've started having horrible dp-attacks again, and I'm scared one of them will put me back at the beginning again. I'm scaaared!!! I seriously need someone to talk to, I just can't find the courage or strength to pick up a phone. And I hate talking about how I feel!
> 
> There is so much going on in my life that's hard right now, and I just can't deal with it! I don't want to wake up another day, I just really really don't!
> ...


Its always option to kill yourself. It may be strange beggining from me, but we could get rid of the sweet crap and start from the end. Life could be dark. Life could be so incredible dark. I know it very well. Lights are off, you are sitting around the table and everything you can see is just sharp knive. Trick is, that what you see in dark room is not everything. If somebody switch the lights on, you would see, that there are people around you, there is kitchen and flowers and books and food and this knife is there just because you can cut a piece of cake with it. Question is, where the lightswitch is. You can hardly see in the dark. But its important to hold to the idea that there is light somewhere. Always, always, always. We are very often underestimating the power in every one of us. We could be incredibly strong just when we thing that everything is lost. I know it. I screw everything in my life i could. I never will be able to live. I am alone, full of guilt and pain. I am lost case. But take it from me - life is always worth living. Even like that. And I am not one of those positive freaks that are eternaly optimistics because they suffer if anything that at best from something like low pocket money.







I saw it all. Pain, Darkness, loneliness, fear, existentional fear, depression, hopelessnes, death, nights and days of drinking and trying to forget it all. I lose many things, lie to my closest ones, dissapointing them, i am currently waiting for huge dissaster in my work, caused by my incompetence, that will make me unemployed and without any money at best. . . . I am looser and bad person, no doubt. But again. Take it from me - life is worth living. And you will be better. I have no doubt about this. I dont know how or when. Everybody is different. But you will, in one point of your life understand it all. And you will be able to live again. Because, even if it doesnt seem so, you are already living your life. And its hard life, but you can make it. You are strong, even if you dont believe it propably. I am the weakest person i know and still i was able to survive 15 years of horror. You have all the power that you need. And you are not, by any chance, alone. I think about you, honestly. I never saw you, i dont know you, but i understand you in the way that one suffering human being can understand another suffering human being. It is hard. It will be hard. But you will make it. I am with you in my mind, take good care, best of luck and i hope, that my words make at least a little sense.


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## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

JoCZker said:


> Its always option to kill yourself. It may be strange beggining from me, but we could get rid of the sweet crap and start from the end. Life could be dark. Life could be so incredible dark. I know it very well. Lights are off, you are sitting around the table and everything you can see is just sharp knive. Trick is, that what you see in dark room is not everything. If somebody switch the lights on, you would see, that there are people around you, there is kitchen and flowers and books and food and this knife is there just because you can cut a piece of cake with it. Question is, where the lightswitch is. You can hardly see in the dark. But its important to hold to the idea that there is light somewhere. Always, always, always. We are very often underestimating the power in every one of us. We could be incredibly strong just when we thing that everything is lost. I know it. I screw everything in my life i could. I never will be able to live. I am alone, full of guilt and pain. I am lost case. But take it from me - life is always worth living. Even like that. And I am not one of those positive freaks that are eternaly optimistics because they suffer if anything that at best from something like low pocket money.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That was beautiful...


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks for posting this. I've been having those kinds of feelings recently, with almost nine years now since my dp started, and a long time since any of those instants where it's gone away, that were giving me hope for awhile. I get frustrated and bummed out about it, and, like you were saying, it's awful to think about how much of my life it's felt like I've missed--getting a Ph.D., spending a lot of time with family, living and travelling overseas, and so much more. It also felt like I had a lot more drive for my dp to go away even a couple of years ago, and I wonder if some part of me is just giving up.

The maybe good news in all of this, for me, personally, is that I'm having these awful feelings about where I'm at in my life, and that's something that hasn't happened for a lot of my dp, at least not this intensely--feelings. After it started, and for a long time, it seemed like there was just nothing going on inside of me, so the fact that I feel like crap may show that part of me is getting better. At this point, I really don't know, but I do know, also, that I'd rather be experiencing my life with dp, and have it feel totally unreal but be real, than not have this life at all.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

I don't care how beautful someones speach is, you do * not * say that killing yorself is always an option, do someone who's desperate.

York, do you know if your dp is from trauma or drugs? If it's from trauma I'd try to find a therapist who knows what they're doing. And Ben if it's from drugs, I'd still look into
a Therapist and psychiatrist. Suicidal feelings will go away, I promise. They cannot last for ever. I've been there. I've tried, you don't want to go through that. I'd you ever feel like acting on rt, please reach out and talk to someone


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