# I want to die



## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

What's so good bout living if we're just going to spend it in perpetual torment and self-doubt? We're just being fucked by an idiocracy that can never can be changed... why not kill ourselves and save the misery?


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> What's so good bout living if we're just going to spend it in perpetual torment and self-doubt? We're just being fucked by an idiocracy that can never can be changed... why not kill ourselves and save the misery?


why not stop self-doubt?


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

First of all your not going to get better with that attitude.

Second of all, thats not the path you need to take, is it really fair to your family and friends if you did that to yourself? No it isn't.

Some people are blind, some are in wheelchairs, some have cancer. We have DP, and in most cases it isn't permanent, we have something that we can overcome and recover.

Please don't do anything stupid to yourself.

- Jayden


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## Jeremiah (Mar 1, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> What's so good bout living if we're just going to spend it in perpetual torment and self-doubt? We're just being fucked by an idiocracy that can never can be changed... why not kill ourselves and save the misery?


sounds like you have depression. you can get rid of depression. and i know that dp without depression isnt so bad. and it will probably go away too.


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## Antihero (Oct 12, 2010)

Couldn't agree more...The game of life is stupid & difficult to play.BUT(yes,there are always "buts")one thing certain in life is death.It'll come in it's time,so why 
be in a hurry?Hang onto life...Maybe things we'll change in way we aren't able to figure out yet.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

wow this is a mindfuck... im still trying to find the rational behind these fatalistic/suicidal threads.

If you really want to die, and you are planning on commiting suicide or something, why would you post such a thing? that is, why would you leave such a gloomy message on a forum where people are doing their best to regain health? '' _why not kill ourselves and save the misery_?'' ??? no need to drag other people with you.

Then if you are not actually planning on doing away with your life... why are you posting this? to seek attention? and again, to add some more dead weight on people who are struggling with this condition and are trying to hold on to hope.

And if you are having your doubts, about wether it is worth to continue your life having this condition... what is the purpose of this thread? to help you make up your mind?
'Well, 4 out of 6 posts said it was not worth it, then... well... if other people say so,I guess i should do away with my life'.









anyway, i had to say this first. now, here is my more sympathetic response:

man if you re having a really hard time and you have lost hope, i recommend you try doing an Ayahuasca healing ceremony.. thats what cured me from my DP. i ll post a thread with all the info one of these days.

peace
Abraxas


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## TheStarter (Oct 19, 2010)

baking_pineapple said:


> What's so good bout living if we're just going to spend it in perpetual torment and self-doubt? We're just being fucked by an idiocracy that can never can be changed... why not kill ourselves and save the misery?


Talk for yourself, downy.

not for 'us, ourselves, we'

Greetings,
Me


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

I know it's hard to swallow, but a LOT of people who suffer from anxiety/DP/panic are REALLY weak and only want attention. If you want to commit suicide, go out and do it. If you want help, ask for help.

I do know that it's more comfortable to give up responsibility and treat these things like an "illness" or "symptoms", but giving away responsiblity means giving away power and control.


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## university girl (Aug 11, 2004)

Hey there, I totally understand how you feel. This is so horrible and so tough to sit through. I was extremely suicidal a couple of months ago and landed myself in the hospital.

What may help you:

Get a good support system- family and friends, gp, counsellor, psyhchiatrist

Be open and willing to commit to new types of therapy- ie. have you tried DBT, CBT, ACT, mindfulness

Learn about distress tolerance (part of DBT)

Make a list of treatments you haven't tried- ie EMDR, TMS, various meds

Remember, although dpd is very hard to treat, people do often get better


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Abraxas said:


> wow this is a mindfuck... im still trying to find the rational behind these fatalistic/suicidal threads.
> 
> If you really want to die, and you are planning on commiting suicide or something, why would you post such a thing? that is, why would you leave such a gloomy message on a forum where people are doing their best to regain health? '' _why not kill ourselves and save the misery_?'' ??? no need to drag other people with you.
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree more. When I see someone post something like suicide and stuff like that it really gets me down. We are struggling enough as it is, this is the last thing I want to read. That's the problem with this website, it can be helpful but there is shit on here that can make you feel worse.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

Lowrey said:


> I know it's hard to swallow, but a LOT of people who suffer from anxiety/DP/panic are REALLY weak and only want attention. If you want to commit suicide, go out and do it. If you want help, ask for help.
> 
> I do know that it's more comfortable to give up responsibility and treat these things like an "illness" or "symptoms", but giving away responsiblity means giving away power and control.


I don't know where you got this comment from, and I have no idea how old you are. You may not know there are people who suffer from severe anxiety and DP/DR their entire lives. It's just a fact.

I got no REAL ability to speak out about mine until I was 42. I kept this s "secret" from people and most of the people in my life never knew about it, and many still do not understand.

Listen to Uni Girl.

Why can't we express what we feel? I agree it is sometimes disconcerting to hear that someone wants to end the misery of this and it puts internet friends in an awkward spot as one can't help.

And yes, I've been more suicidal recently, myself. Depression can gain the upper hand.

There are plenty of responsible people -- what does that even mean? -- who have lived with DP/DR for years, hold down full time jobs, go to school, have families, have children, all the time battling with this. The same is true of others with many other mental illnesses.

Of course you have your own opinion, but have respect for others you know NOTHING about.

Suicide is a state of mind unto itself. @98% of individuals who commit suicide have a mental illness. I believe it is the third cause of death in young people who will often say nothing about how awful they feel and don't seek help.

This is truly an insensitive comment.

Soldiers returning from the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. are commiting suicide at an alarming rate. PTSD for example is frequently unbearable to live with. I have a friend who took her own life in her late forties. I knew she had issues, but she hid many problems from everyone. When I found out what happened, I couldn't believe it. And I understand why she simply wanted to end her pain.

Have a little empathy.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

I also dealt with breast cancer all last year, had a mastectomy. I'm terrified to go back for a mammogram on the other side in June. But the cancer is easier to live with than my chronic DP/DR, anxiety, and clinical depression.

Why in the world is the brain having problems, any different from any other organ in the body malfunctioning.

Your statement about DP/DR and anxiety is patently false. You obviously know very little about research in the field of mental health/brain disorders.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

Dreamer* said:


> I don't know where you got this comment from, and I have no idea how old you are. You may not know there are people who suffer from severe anxiety and DP/DR their entire lives. It's just a fact.
> 
> I got no REAL ability to speak out about mine until I was 42. I kept this s "secret" from people and most of the people in my life never knew about it, and many still do not understand.
> 
> ...


first, I wasn't talking about responsibilty about school and family, I was talking about admitting that you are responsible for your anxiety.

Empathy? Man, I have anxiety MYSELF. I've felt it myself. And I say I AM responsible it. Not in the way that I'm responsible for having a dysfunctional, traumatic, violent and ill childhood, but I'm responsible to be BEATING MYSELF about it, for YEARS.

_*"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."*_ - Einstein

a psychiatrist says :



> Whats makes the patient-therapist relationship difficult, is that from the perspective of the patient, the cause and the symptoms of panic disorder are totally seperated. The person experiences major body symptoms from a frightening, terrible feeling of death, while the therapist shows up a psychological explanation. This is what makes the healing process very hard, because if the doctor points to the psychologic component of the problem, the patient feels like the doctor is wrong, misdiagnosing, or doesn't understand him or her.


This means we are in DENIAL. Something created the problem in the first place, and after weeks, months, the symptoms are the new "problem". Then pills, then withdrawals, etc. People with DP/DR go to doctor, being told that nothing is wrong, and they don't believe.

I experienced it. I do know how hard it is to accept that you're not ILL, when you're being thrown at with an overwhelming sense of fear, pessimism, death-thoughts, and you're feeling like in a pit.

One the first week, I decided, when I'll get better, I will HELP others overcome this hell, but now I see that it's hard, because people who suffer from this have a subconscious adherence for this.

I had FULL BLOWN panic attacks. How is it possible that, without taking ANY MEDICATION, I NO LONGER have panic attacks for months? not one.

Fear of death, thinking about death, thinking depressing thoughts are just not "symptoms". If you treat your own thoughts as symptoms, you give away responsibility. YOU think those thoughts. Not your brain. YOU.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I don't understand the people who can't relate to this. DP has caused me to feel suicidal 24/7 for years. It's only recently that I got over this hump and still sometimes fall back into those feelings and thoughts. It's not something I desire to do. It's not something I can control. IT'S HOW I FEEL.

Same with the OP I can tell. Obviously he/she is crying out for help because he/she is suffering from unbearable pain. I love the responses "is it fair to do to your family?"... let me ask this... is it fair to the person who is suffering from extreme torment that they should endure hell simply because someone wants them to stick around for the sake their own well being? Do you not put a dog to sleep for the sake of the dog when it is suffering too severely?

I feel like there are people on this forum who are suffering from anxiety and anxiety related symptoms and then there are those who are suffering a complete death and annihilation of their soul.

The latter is unbearable, if you don't suffer from that then get on your knees and thank God. Don't put someone down who is, for posting how they feel.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

@Lowrey:
We have to agree to disagree. I can't answer why you got better and others haven't. This happens with other physical illnesses.

All are on a spectrum. And surfingisfun posted at the same time I did. Listen to him as well.

And again, you have little if any knowledge about the brain or you wouldn't make such a statement.

That would mean that I, and many people I know in my age bracket AND OLDER, have been "in denial" for 52 years. During that time I was never using DP/DR, etc. as an excuse for anything. I have accomplished MANY things in my life that I am proud of.

As I always say, do you know DP/DR is a perceptual distortion that occurs in most mental illnesses? -- as does anxiety? It also occurs in stroke, migraine, epilepsy, brain tumors, etc., etc. etc.

Read my profile here and look up some facts.

Some individuals with anxiety disorders cannot leave their homes. Yet, many others can work on coping skills and improve greatly. For others this is a long and difficult journey. Don't throw everyone into one category and assume your experience is the ONLY experience with this or ANY OTHER ILLNESS -- brain or otherwise. We are a product of our nature, and of our enviorments. Humans are extremely complex.

Go to http://www.nami.org

Useless to argue with you. I don't know why you are so cruel.
And you are also saying that individuals who have accomplished -- and I have no doubt because of your age -- far more than you have in your life, not feeling sorry for themselves.

DP/DR occurs on a SPECTRUM. It's not "all or nothing." No use arguing with someone who knows nothing of neuroscience.
Pointless.

It is really unfortunate that you have no respect for others.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> I feel like there are people on this forum who are suffering from anxiety and anxiety related symptoms and then there are those who are suffering a complete death and annihilation of their soul.
> 
> The latter is unbearable, if you don't suffer from that then get on your knees and thank God. Don't put someone down who is, for posting how they feel.


that's exactly what's comfortable to believe. "I have a worse illness then you, it's easy for you to talk."

what you guys believe is the complete denying of human free will. you look upon yourself as a complete victim of your genetics, brain chemistry, even of your own thoughts.

from there, it'll be hard to get anywhere


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

Dreamer* said:


> That would mean that I, and many people I know in my age bracket AND OLDER, have been "in denial" for 52 years. During that time I was never using DP/DR, etc. as an excuse for anything. I have accomplished MANY things in my life that I am proud of.


you're still defending yourself like I've said anything about you. a person can be the outstandingly brave, hard-working, worthy, and be in denial deep down at the same time.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

Lowrey said:


> I know it's hard to swallow, but a LOT of people who suffer from anxiety/DP/panic *are REALLY weak and only want attention.* If you want to commit suicide, go out and do it. If you want help, ask for help.


Defending myself against WHAT? If you have had DP/DR secondary to panic attacks, that is very different from someone who has chronic DP/DR comorbid with bipolar, OCD, schizoprhenia, from a horrendous drug trip, etc. There are many strong people here. Your statement is insulting.

I am not in denial over anything.

Your experience is FAR different from others here on the board. You are too narrow minded to see that, or even consider it. You have no empathy. Makes me sick.

_*"REALLY WEAK AND ONLY WANT ATTENTION." -- most people don't even seek help for this as they fear a doctor or others will find them "crazy."*_ <-------- this is the thing that ticks me off the most.

Where in God's name did you get this from?
Again, you have no clue about the brain. The varieties of perceptual, mood, and cognitive distortion. None. It is obvious. You only illustrate your cruelty and ignorance. AND OTHERS HERE ARE NOT ALL LIKE YOU. YOUR EXPERIENCE IS NOT IDENTICAL TO ANYONE ELSE'S ... SAVE PERHAPS IN DEGREE.

*Also, if I am in "denial" -- WTH does it matter to you? You need to prove you are "better" than everyone else here and we are all idiots? OMG*

Leave this board if you have nothing positive to say. Why are you here? If you have a success story, fine. Don't attack those in the middle of their fight.


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## Guest (May 19, 2011)

Try to figure out why you got upset over a post of someone who, according to you, knows NOTHING about it.

I did not want to offend anybody.

Much love
Lowrey


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

Its not about relating to him or not, I think we can all relate here. I also hit rock bottom. I know hell, i know the mind can access very, very dark worlds.
I think what is important here though is to distinguish between compassion and self-pity. While having compassion for your suffering is good and key for recovery, having self-pity will get you nowhere.

Pineapple, i hope you did not get offended by my message. When you post something like this, you will always have split answers, people answering from the more feminine side, with more empathy, tolerance, and a more maternal approach, and people who answer from the more paternal side. If I choose the latter that does not mean i do not feel the former too. It just happens that in these rock-bottom scenarios which i went through myself, the tough way was what got me out, as it is easy to fall for self-pity with that other approach. Sometimes you really need to toughen up and take control. And I agree with Lowrey with the accepting your responsibility for your health. i really believe there is no neuron/neurotransmitter gone wrong in DP, it is completely psychological/spiritual, which means you are responsible. this doesnt mean that it was your fault, that you had it coming. it simply means that you have the power to change this situation and regain health, but this requires the cultivation of will and a strong determination. And that this power resides in none other but your self.

Surfinisfun... when i was suicidal i also had that thought... i said: this is *my* life, i should be able to do what i want with it, even take it away if i do not wish to live it. why should other people i dont even know are real, have such control over my life. and yeah, exactly, why should i stick around this hell, so that others dont have to go through the process of mourning. why am i responsible for their happiness? why are they so attached to me? i dont even _know_ them! 
but now that im out of DP, i realize it was not about doing it to _them_, it was about doing it to my_self_. As i would have been depriving me of the freedom that i enjoy now, having come out of it with a renewed love for life, and with much more understanding of the world and my self. Plus, suicide only 'works' if you hold the view that matter creates mind. i do not believe in that anymore, which is the result of some spiritual experiences. i do not know what are the metaphysical consequences of suicide. but my guess is that it is at least pointless, and that i might actually cause greater harm.
but any way, my advice is to hold on to hope, to have faith that this is temporary and that in the same way you are experiencing Hell, you can experience Heaven, you can work your way to it. best is to start doing something about it, to take control of the situation, to start making changes and letting go of identifications with suffering and disease, and self-pity.


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## Brando2600 (Apr 22, 2010)




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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

lol


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## Jeremiah (Mar 1, 2011)

This negativity helps no one. fight your anxiety if you cant or having problems then you have some type of disorder or illness that prevents you to fight it. in that case go to a doctor or maybe cbt can help. Resolve anxiety first then symptoms go away. If it seems impossible to get rid of anxiety then take it up with a doctor or take it up with god. I know its hard but if you fight you may be able to reverse what ever is going wrong. stay strong


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## MobiusX (Jul 27, 2010)

I want to live (experience reality) again for at least 1 year and then die.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

MobiusX said:


> I want to live (experience reality) again for at least 1 year and then die.


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Lowrey said:


> that's exactly what's comfortable to believe. "I have a worse illness then you, it's easy for you to talk."
> 
> what you guys believe is the complete denying of human free will. you look upon yourself as a complete victim of your genetics, brain chemistry, even of your own thoughts.
> 
> from there, it'll be hard to get anywhere


It is good to try to empower someone to be strong. And humans have free will.

But remember that mental illness often takes away will and/or focus - just as a man paralyzed by a severed spine cannot walk by pure will.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Lowrey said:


> that's exactly what's comfortable to believe. "I have a worse illness then you, it's easy for you to talk."
> 
> what you guys believe is the complete denying of human free will. you look upon yourself as a complete victim of your genetics, brain chemistry, even of your own thoughts.
> 
> from there, it'll be hard to get anywhere


Not sure how that relates to my statements. I never said anything about genetics or brain chemistry.


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## Guest (May 20, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Not sure how that relates to my statements. I never said anything about genetics or brain chemistry.


if you talk about DP/anxiety as an "illness", which you have no control over (and where the sufferer is a poor victim), and which causes strange thoughts and feelings, and which can completely victimize someone, that leads to a conclusion that you believe we have no control over our brain, and its all some chemistry.

anxiety may challenge your focus, your sense of free will, but it can never take away courage. if it's in you.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

Lowrey said:


> if you talk about DP/anxiety as an "illness", which you have no control over (and where the sufferer is a poor victim), and which causes strange thoughts and feelings, and which can completely victimize someone, that leads to a conclusion that you believe we have no control over our brain, and its all some chemistry.
> 
> anxiety may challenge your focus, your sense of free will, but it can never take away courage. if it's in you.


i agree.. nothing can severe/paralyse willpower. as will has no physical or even psychic basis. will exists above all, to learn how to cultivate will is to learn about one's unlimited power to overcome any obstacles, including DPD. To play 'victim' is the only 'paralyzer' of will, but it is self-imposed.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

In my experience DP does at times tyrannize my ability to function. Perhaps it does not incapacitate me in the same way that physical paralysis does, however the will needed to be exerted to function even at a basic level is considerable. Although I've been functioning from within a framework where I consider my DP as anxiety, I feel this does not account my entire experience. I personally experience brain fog and headaches that seem to hammer home the fact that something is wrong with me. Willpower is obviously necessary, but as for its direct correlation with recovery I'm unclear. Willpower mainly will serve the following purposes - conquering moderate anxiety, prolonging your life until the problem is resolved, being relentless with finding cures. Please do not mistake this sort of relentless pursuit idea with obsessive thinking. I believe that most of the negative content on this site is directly related to the fact that we all suffer from an incredibly horrible mental state.

I have found DP a condition that is perhaps worthy of suicide because of its absolute stubbornness. I have been absolutely on point in terms of pushing myself, facing fears, quitting obsessive thinking.. and anything else you can think of - yet I am still plagued with this curse. I have absolutely considered killing myself. However, with only one chance to live it is not an option. Perhaps thoughts of suicides are useful as a coping mechanism with extreme pain. I say this with the assumption that many of us here are not actually mad, we just have a perfectly understandable reaction to a condition that is only relatively bearable. Regardless, as I mentioned above, the least we can do for ourselves at this present juncture is to keep ourselves alive so that recovery remains an option.


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## Guest (May 22, 2011)

Abraxas said:


> i agree.. nothing can severe/paralyse willpower. as *will has no physical or even psychic basis. will exists above all*, to learn how to cultivate will is to learn about one's unlimited power to overcome any obstacles, including DPD. To play 'victim' is the only 'paralyzer' of will, but it is self-imposed.


couldn't agree more.

I always believed in this, but DP/Anxiety proved me 100%, that our power is stronger than we can imagine. Stronger than feelings, pain, anything.

I had overwhelming fear of I don't even know what, horrible anxiety, idiotic thoughts popping into my head, depersonalization, and I was still able to keep pursuing my goals, work, and even to keep my pride.

_*"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."*_


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

I want to die too.

And it's exactly the type of comments in response to the original post that prevent me from seeking help from "real people" instead of the internet. I don't want to come across as just "seeking attention". I don't want to bother people with my problems. I have so many problems... my father is the one that I can count on, but I've stopped asking because it's just one thing after another...

Anyway, I can empathize. And don't stop reaching out for help just because some people get irritated by it.


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