# Does anyone else ENJOY having depersonalization disorder?



## iggleton (Jul 30, 2010)

Ok, so I know you aren't really supposed to "enjoy" having a mental disorder, but I have found several benefits to having DPD.
First of all I should mention that my DPD arose from my long-term battle with the dreaded SAD (social anxiety disorder). I had terrible SAD, I mean really debilitating. One time, when my cousin was visiting from Australia, I locked myself up in my bedroom instead of greeting him with the rest of the family. 
That's how intense and irrational my fear of social interaction was. I even drank myself to unconsciousness on several occasions as a result of this thing. So when my DPD developed, it was actually kind of a relief. Having a reduction in my ability to think clearly means that I am not constantly over-thinking and stressing out about trivial social events, I can just live and function in the moment, no more anxiety attacks.

Another benefit is that now my psychology coheres with my philosophy. I have always been philosophically-inclined and particularly interested in the existentialist and absurdist movements. Human existence is incomprehensible absurd, here we find ourselves- having evolved from inorganic matter- as purposeless yet sentient apes occupying an infinitesimally small piece of rock in an unthinkably large and empty universe (multiverse?). There's no more meaning here than there is at the bottom of an empty box of cornflakes. On top of the absurdity of the human condition, think of the absurdity of the individual human life. As time passes and our circumstances change, what we once thought of as the present soon becomes a distant dream, what we thought was built on stone turns out to have been built on quicksand and the previous incarnations of ourselves become complete strangers to us (paradoxically I have so much more in common with my current best friend than I do with the 5 year-old ME). We hope to live long enough to pass on our genetic material, but next to the infinity of time our lives are mere flashes of lightening in the night sky. 
Sorry about ranting on there, but this is how I feel about existence, and having DPD, feeling "detached" from it all, kinda makes this absurd reality of things easier to process. Perhaps those who do not have DPD can more easily fall into the trap of thinking that there is something permanent about their life. Anyway, does anyone else feel that having DPD can be beneficial in some ways?


----------



## outlaw (May 20, 2010)

dp is definitely beneficial.. you learn a lot from it. I would love to look at dpd the way you do, but it is definitely a strange feeling about dp that I don't like. I don't like feeling lost and disconnected.. I like the way dp makes you look at life in a deeper, analytical way.. but at the same time I've always been deep and analytical.. but I still got to enjoy life in a different way.. I don't feel any enjoyment with Dp, I feel trapped in a limbo.. dark hole.. I feel like I lost a sense of self that I still need to enjoy life.. and I think everyone wants to enjoy life to some extent?


----------



## CindyinMontana (Nov 10, 2009)

That's pretty funny. I don't personally enjoy it but I enjoyed reading your take on our existence. I feel the same way that it is all so absurd, so absurd nothing really makes any sense if you think about it long enough. I think it's good that you have found positives in this and also that you have accepted it. Acceptance is a part of the healing process it seems.


----------



## Thunderlordcid (Feb 2, 2010)

iggleton said:


> Ok, so I know you aren't really supposed to "enjoy" having a mental disorder, but I have found several benefits to having DPD.
> First of all I should mention that my DPD arose from my long-term battle with the dreaded SAD (social anxiety disorder). I had terrible SAD, I mean really debilitating. One time, when my cousin was visiting from Australia, I locked myself up in my bedroom instead of greeting him with the rest of the family.
> That's how intense and irrational my fear of social interaction was. I even drank myself to unconsciousness on several occasions as a result of this thing. So when my DPD developed, it was actually kind of a relief. Having a reduction in my ability to think clearly means that I am not constantly over-thinking and stressing out about trivial social events, I can just live and function in the moment, no more anxiety attacks.
> 
> ...


You won't believe how good reading this has made me feel. I think a lot like that too mate. The thing about being insignificant in a way makes SOO much sense. I'm taking anatomy right now and all of this is just BLOWING my mind away. How are we perfect organic beings, with the ability to keep a homeostatic balance, by evolving, and have individual ideas and opinions? How do we have the potential to come up with thoughts and rationalize things? I'm having crazy thoughts like that about the human body like mad. How is it that when we scrape ourselves or body realizes that there's something wrong and sends cells to go and clot up the abrasion (Sorry if you're a hemophiliac) Or how is it that our bodies know to increase the activity rate of the immune system if we start to starve?

ANYWAY, but yeah, I really try to look at it optimistically. If you get your anxiety under control then it's like having your own personal thought bubble. It's almost as if you can train your body and mind to multi-task. It's really sweet, because before I tripped on weed I would have NEVER thought like this. I would still be a loser trying to find his way in life, now I got a calling out of it.

But anyway, just wanted to let you know that I too don't hate this disorder.


----------



## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

when people talk about liking DP or whatever. I figure they don't have the same thing going on as I do. HPPD and panic and my back randomly burning for no reason isn't good.

Its not just like being high all the time. I don't have a good buzz going.

I enjoy being a productive and intelligent person contributing to the world that i take from. things that take away from that can suck it.


----------



## Thunderlordcid (Feb 2, 2010)

BlueTank said:


> when people talk about liking DP or whatever. I figure they don't have the same thing going on as I do. HPPD and panic and my back randomly burning for no reason isn't good.
> 
> Its not just like being high all the time. I don't have a good buzz going.
> 
> I enjoy being a productive and intelligent person contributing to the world that i take from. things that take away from that can suck it.


Oh yeah man, I can relate to the HPPD. For a week straight in March I had shutter/frame vision like crazy. That and when I sit cross-legged my leg starts to feel like it's falling through my other leg. That one's more tactile, but still.


----------



## match_stick_1 (Jun 9, 2010)

iggleton said:


> Ok, so I know you aren't really supposed to "enjoy" having a mental disorder, but I have found several benefits to having DPD.
> First of all I should mention that my DPD arose from my long-term battle with the dreaded SAD (social anxiety disorder). I had terrible SAD, I mean really debilitating. One time, when my cousin was visiting from Australia, I locked myself up in my bedroom instead of greeting him with the rest of the family.
> That's how intense and irrational my fear of social interaction was. I even drank myself to unconsciousness on several occasions as a result of this thing. So when my DPD developed, it was actually kind of a relief. Having a reduction in my ability to think clearly means that I am not constantly over-thinking and stressing out about trivial social events, I can just live and function in the moment, no more anxiety attacks.
> Anyway, does anyone else feel that having DPD can be beneficial in some ways?


I definately agree with that first part. Iused to dread the very idea of talking to people, looking them in the eyeand always felt so paranoid that people were watching me etc. I would also go to great lengths to avoid social situations and had virtualy no social life aswell. Now i can talk to people and feel a sense of accomplishment after having a successful social event. I find this is because other people dont really seem real and espescially not threatening like before.


----------



## spierdalaj (Jul 20, 2010)

Well I don't en*joy* having depersonalization, but I can say I like parts of it. My social anxiety is markedly worse but now I'm making an effort to overcome sa and that would have never happened if I didn't get dp. The only things I'm not too crazy about is that nature looks fake and I feel like I'm indoors when I'm outdoors. I don't feel a difference, other than indoors is more comfy lol. And I lost my personality. But other than that I'm cool with it. I feel enlightened, lol.


----------



## historic doug (Aug 2, 2010)

iggleton said:


> Ok, so I know you aren't really supposed to "enjoy" having a mental disorder, but I have found several benefits to having DPD.
> First of all I should mention that my DPD arose from my long-term battle with the dreaded SAD (social anxiety disorder). I had terrible SAD, I mean really debilitating. One time, when my cousin was visiting from Australia, I locked myself up in my bedroom instead of greeting him with the rest of the family.
> That's how intense and irrational my fear of social interaction was. I even drank myself to unconsciousness on several occasions as a result of this thing. So when my DPD developed, it was actually kind of a relief. Having a reduction in my ability to think clearly means that I am not constantly over-thinking and stressing out about trivial social events, I can just live and function in the moment, no more anxiety attacks.
> 
> ...


this is a brilliant post and in a way it comforts me because i have a hard time dealing with the concept of eternity.
It also makes time pass slowly and it becomes hard for me to live because there is no escape.


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Thunderlordcid said:


> ANYWAY, but yeah, I really try to look at it optimistically. If you get your anxiety under control then it's like having your own personal thought bubble. It's almost as if you can train your body and mind to multi-task.


Same here. It is not such a big deal when I don't get the fear.


----------



## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

iggleton said:


> Another benefit is that now my psychology coheres with my philosophy. I have always been philosophically-inclined and particularly interested in the existentialist and absurdist movements. Human existence is incomprehensible absurd, here we find ourselves- having evolved from inorganic matter- as purposeless yet sentient apes occupying an infinitesimally small piece of rock in an unthinkably large and empty universe (multiverse?). There's no more meaning here than there is at the bottom of an empty box of cornflakes. On top of the absurdity of the human condition, think of the absurdity of the individual human life. As time passes and our circumstances change, what we once thought of as the present soon becomes a distant dream, what we thought was built on stone turns out to have been built on quicksand and the previous incarnations of ourselves become complete strangers to us (paradoxically I have so much more in common with my current best friend than I do with the 5 year-old ME). We hope to live long enough to pass on our genetic material, but next to the infinity of time our lives are mere flashes of lightening in the night sky.
> Sorry about ranting on there, but this is how I feel about existence, and having DPD, feeling "detached" from it all, kinda makes this absurd reality of things easier to process. Perhaps those who do not have DPD can more easily fall into the trap of thinking that there is something permanent about their life. Anyway, does anyone else feel that having DPD can be beneficial in some ways?


Yep. This is brilliant. We are living, breathing philosophies. But without the zenlike comfort.


----------



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Every once in a while there's that post of someone loving/enjoying their DP. I remember that in the last post everyone was quite pissed off (Well, it was written completely different). I think that most people don't really enjoy their DP but after some time they learn it has some benefits too, even if it only means they feel it safer for them living that way (because of anxiety,etc). I totally undertand my DP and I think it was the smartest thing my brain could do under the circumstences (sorry I have no idea how to write this word and I'm too tired to check it out lol)during that time, and maybe even today... I don't know..


----------



## Guest (Aug 2, 2010)

Indeed, every month or so someone posts how positive DP/DR are.

I have had it most of my life and I wonder how anyone could possibly say that. I believe all of us here experience it on a spectrum of severity, some less, some worse.

I currently found out I have breast cancer. Every day there is something new to figure out to deal with, "How will the surgery go?" Getting my affairs in order with the attorney, endless meetings with doctors, fear of the chemo, etc. I go from OK and can sometimes laugh and be distracted from the cancer whereas the DP/DR are ALWAYS THERE, 24/7, in my dreams. Right now dealing with facing my own moertality isn't that big a deal. Having DP is WOIRSE.

DP/DR has limited my life in many ways. And at the moment I am terribly anxious over several purely logistical things about who will be available to help me when. I can go into "business mode", drive myself around town to take care of 5 BILLION things, and still be DP.

Want to take time out to ENJOY LIFE AND REALITY, and I can't. Sitting on the porch at night with a friend, I see no beauty in the evening, and can't feel my body.

I can actually deal with the cancer better than the loss of the joy in my life.
DP/DR has giving me NOTHING. I am 51.

Best,
D
Crabby and very anxious, but my DP/DR are the same STUPID level. I'm only concerned if chemo will make the DP/DR, anxiety, depression worse. If I didn't have this, it would be so much easier to focus on getting well, as many other women friends have.

EVERY EXPERIENCE HERE IS UNIQUE. I HAVE BEEN ACCOMPLISHING A LOT, AM SPENDING TIME WITH PEOPLE AND INTERACTING WITH A MILLION MEDICAL PEOPLE. AND I AM STILL DISCONNECTED FROM LIFE. OTHER WOMEN ARE ABLE TO PUT CANCER IN THE BACK OF THEIR MINDS. THE DP/DR IS NEVER GONE THOUGH I PUSH MYSELF THROUGH EVERY DAY


----------



## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

^^^^^^ what she said.

Its different for everybody. Some people already get high every day and want an escape since they were 12, and they don't have anxiety and their environment allows for comfort with their situation

For others its t-boned dreams.... part of the reason I stress out and work so hard is to help pay for my best friends surgery. A dream i've had. But a lot of that has been t-boned.

Along the lines of what Dreamer said- I have a very very rare birth defect. 1 in a million chance. Its something that really manifested later pre-teen / early teens. I was then made fun of for it. As people would some how find out or whatever there was total shit for it. But I did'nt have DP back then. I could heal, cope. It damaged me, but it made me a better person in so many ways. I cannot make fun of people. It was and continued to be a big thing in my life. an unusual unique thing that causes problems in many ways and in its own way - And yet it does not hold a CANDLE to DP/DR! I thought I had paid my dues with the several issues i've had. bizarro stuff too. But DP/DR makes them all nothing. I guess theres one benifit about DP/DR aye.... it makes 1 in a million physical issues look like a blessing.









Crap, i feel the need to say something positive.

Uh, its nice that some people enjoy DP/DR...


----------



## noseforsharpies (May 28, 2010)

Enjoyment of the thing you despise is the first step of overcoming it. Anytime you feel shitty for having DP, take a minute and realize: YOU'RE ALIVE. You were non-existent for millions of years before the day you were born, and yet . . 'you' were given the opportunity to come into this world, to experience, to breathe, to feel, to touch, to speak, to love, to despise, to fear, to fuck . . Whenever I think about it in those terms, I'm instantly humbled, and I realize that 'DP,' if anything, has made me MORE aware of the fragility of being, and of how ultimately meaningful being alive is, how unlikely, and yet how utterly beautiful.


----------



## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

noseforsharpies said:


> Enjoyment of the thing you despise is the first step of overcoming it. Anytime you feel shitty for having DP, take a minute and realize: YOU'RE ALIVE. You were non-existent for millions of years before the day you were born, and yet . . 'you' were given the opportunity to come into this world, to experience, to breathe, to feel, to touch, to speak, to love, to despise, to fear, to fuck . . Whenever I think about it in those terms, I'm instantly humbled, and I realize that 'DP,' if anything, has made me MORE aware of the fragility of being, and of how ultimately meaningful being alive is, how unlikely, and yet how utterly beautiful.


No totaly, thats what you have to do. Do I enjoy wiping my ass? Not really. Butt its what I gotta dodo (ok i'm getting ridiculous, sorry). I still don't enjoy it though. Even if i do what you say...... If you put up a questionnaire, the answer is gonna be no.



> ...... to feel, to touch, to love,


Oaahhhh... Owwahhh... Low blow. Low blow. Some people have had it since childhood. You'd moonwalk in front of the paraplegic


----------



## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Fresh off the press for ya hippies







.. j/k. Ok which one of you ladies did this recording? Fess up. It was one of you guys right. Or may be not cause she doesn't need "help" I guess.

She talks about how it kills your ego, apparently enough to post in detail about it and her uplift (heh) and ya know, disable the ability for commenting.

at one point she says something like... " sure the Ego is needed to survive..." But it also gives you that wacky ginger friend with the red afro with strange manerisms. You get overjoyed people who can't stop saying "not!" from the 80's and think all their belongings are "totaly rad". It gives you range. It give you a spectrum of characters. Yes this includes Hitler. But you can LEARN a compassion for the human condition. With out DP I learned about it early on from hanging out with my best friend and witnessing a truly truly broken and drug riddled household. And my parents tought me so many great things. 
I'll put up with a few assholes in this world to get my "identity" back so I can get back on track to making everything better in this world, uplifted, and spiritual, outside of something (DP) that is synonymous with child abuse/molestation, car accidents, panic attacks, suicide, drugs, and Fear.

I'm glad for the video though.


----------



## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

"There's no more meaning here than there is at the bottom of an empty box of cornflakes"

That reminds me...I'm outta cornflakes lol. But really, why all this obsession with meaning? Why does everything need to have a meaning? Leave that to the scientists cuz we sure ain't gonna figure it out staring at the starry sky. I'm basically hedonistic and just wanna win the lottery and have a good time. That's meaningfull enuff for me.

BTW, my social anxiety was a root cause of my dp as well but since having dp and not feeling anything I don't feel that social anxiety anymore. It's incredibly easier to talk to people that you don't know. But...I also seem to feel more sensitive to criticism from people which I can't really explain.


----------



## Opus131 (Mar 23, 2010)

Since i've got DR, i've lost the ability to feel emotions and sensations of anykind. I'm completely, totally, utterly numb. I also have basically no memory to speak of, and cannot even recall past experiences in any degree of intensity. Its like i've become a floating consciousness who is unable to feel or experience anything whatsoever, and yet, i exist, somehow. The word "enjoy" has been pretty much scraped off my vocabulary. I'm not even sure i remember what it means.


----------



## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

Answering to the main question of this topic: NOOOOO THAANNKS!!!


----------



## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Opus131 said:


> Since i've got DR, i've lost the ability to feel emotions and sensations of anykind. I'm completely, totally, utterly numb. I also have basically no memory to speak of, and cannot even recall past experiences in any degree of intensity. Its like i've become a floating consciousness who is unable to feel or experience anything whatsoever, and yet, i exist, somehow. The word "enjoy" has been pretty much scraped off my vocabulary. I'm not even sure i remember what it means.


I'm sorry. Such a horrible condition! I was thinking it would be cool if you did a story/bio type of thing like in whatever forum. Intro or Stories or something. I am curious about your details. You know the usual, like how long you've had it, how it came about. If you have not already that is - I can't seem to find it if you have.

So absolutely none what so ever. One reason for asking for the story is did you used to? were you quite different before? I'm curious if anything makes you laugh at all, like a good joke or something? nothing? I know I went through a couple of months where I was a complete zombie. I was zeroed out.


----------



## ElectricRelaxation (May 2, 2010)

I wouldn't mind enjoying it if I didn't get horrible tunnel vision when outside. Seriously, I don't mind being outside surrounded by tons of people but the tunnel vision is an anxiety in it self!


----------



## IAmMew (May 3, 2013)

Two and a half years later 

I also enjoy this feeling. It allows me to pretend that the negative feelings I feel all the time are somebody else's. It also gives me a whole new perspective on life. I feel jittery yet very relaxed. It's an odd feeling, but I think that's part of the reason I like it. When I try to remember a moment I felt this way, it seems like everything that was going on was either happening too slowly or too quickly. Know what I mean? When I try to remember it, for some reason, it feels like voices were echoing and whatnot. I try to make the feeling last for as long as possible.

It sucks every emotion but amazement out of me. Does anyone ever feeling like there have&#8230;I don't know how else to put it&#8230;three brains? Like, you're conscious in three different ways? There're your second thoughts-the thoughts you can't control; the ones that just kinda are&#8230;thought, and then there're your first thoughts-the ones where you may actually be telling yourself whether something's right or wrong, thinking, making observations, etc. Then there're the thoughts that are actually getting through; they're the thoughts you're actually expressing through words aloud. Anyway, it's like all emotions I feel are gone but that dash of amazement in my second thoughts.

When it comes to how I see the world&#8230;.It feels like all the crap in the world can't affect me&#8230;and when I try to think about something really hard, I get lost in my thoughts, causing an intense feeling of MIND-BLOWN.


----------



## Guest (May 4, 2013)

One thing that is "positive" for me is that I don't remember bad experiences that well since I am so detached from my memories. But I'm not sure if it's worth it since I don't remember much good either...


----------

