# My story, How I got over DP & tips



## Amado728 (May 24, 2010)

My name is Amado, I am 20 years old. I have recovered from severe Depersonalization / Derealization multiple times. Some of the times I had recovered I didn't know why or how. After I fell into my third spiral of DP / DR, It took lots of thinking; looking at clues and hints on how I had gotten better in the past for me to finally realize and understand what it was that made me better and made life worth living. If you are reading this I beg that you please don't just skip over certain parts of my story. I ask that you please read all of it for your own benefit. I know exactly what it is like to live with it 24/7 and I will tell you that every little piece of my story can help you. So please read it thoroughly.

My depersonalization began about 8 years ago. I was about 12 years young then and a typical lonesome middle school student who grew up in a divorce; a victim of child abuse. But I will start at the beginning. I was born into a family of 4, including myself; three sons, one daughter. I was the youngest. My parents both Cubans. My father was an alcoholic. He would always either come home drunk from work or with a case of beer. He was a very angry man and he would always look for someone to take out his frustration on. My mother was too fearful of him to ever stop him from doing the beating. She would cry and lock herself in her room. This would only make him more upset. The beatings would become worse. After years and years of going through this, she finally decided to go to court and get a divorce. She woke us up one early morning and made us get dressed. We drove around the city looking for a place to stay. My mother was scared of his unpredictability; scared of what he might do when he would return later that night. We were able to find a homeless shelter then that took us in. There wasn't much to eat besides cereal and oatmeal, but it got us by. There was lots of sickness going around the shelter due to the rat problem. My brother and I both became very ill and were forced to go to the hospital for constant vomiting and dehydration. We were hospitalized for about a week before we returned to the shelter to spend another couple nights. When we returned home my father was gone. He had been placed on a restraining order and was not allowed within 500 feet of my mother by law, but he was still to see us on the weekends. We didn't go see him every weekend however. When we did he would break down and try to make us believe that none of the abuse had ever happened.

It was around that time that I started middle school. At first I was lonesome and a corner kid. I spoke to no one. I kept only to myself. Then eventually I began to associate with others that were like me. They had come from families involved with drugs and abuse. This was my introduction to the drug life. I started skipping school; smoking cigarettes, marijuana and drinking. At first it wasn't so often but gradually it became more and more habitual and led me to experiment further, with cocaine. I believe it was a Friday. I had skipped school with my brother to a friend's house. When we got to the house my friend was getting high on cocaine, and i felt like it wouldn't hurt to try some. I did. I remember walking around the neighborhood shortly after just acting stupid. I ran into a group of kids who tried to jump me. I felt so high I couldn't take them seriously. One of them picked me up and slammed me against a dumpster. I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I guess I really weirded them out. They just decided to leave me alone and walked off. I went back to my friend's house. We stayed there drugged up until night came around. More people came over and we did some more along with a lot of marijuana. That was the night I overdosed. My heart race abnormally and I became completely numb. I didn't know a human heart could beat so fast. Eventually it started to skip beats and pound a lot harder. the last thing I remember is staring at the TV before I blacked out. I woke up again sometime in the early morning. Half of everyone was gone. The other half was asleep. I looked around and lifted a hand to my chest to feel my heartbeat. It was still beating fast but miraculously it had slowed down. I questioned if I was alive or dead. I didn't feel as if I was alive at all. Life felt so different. Some friends I had, to leave me in my condition and not call for help when I needed it most. They had convinced my brother that what I was going through was normal, and that it happens to some people when they are new to the drug. My brother was so drugged he believed them. I was scared that morning and forced myself to go back to sleep. I was woken up by my brother sometime in the afternoon and we called my mother. She came to pick us up but we didn't mention anything to her of what had happened the night before. Over the next couple of months I felt non-existent; depersonalization 24/7. I felt departed from life; always anxious and full of fear. I had constant panic attacks. One day I couldn't take it anymore and asked my mom to take me to the hospital. She kept asking me what was wrong and I kept telling her I didn't know until I broke down and cried told her what I had done. Her reaction was not at all what I expected it to be. She held me and told me I would be ok. The doctors told me It was anxiety and panic attacks. I tried explaining to them what I was feeling. I felt like I was in a never ending dream of fear; a nightmare. They had told me that anxiety makes you feel that way, but I had refused to believe them. I was convinced it was something more. I had cut clean from all drugs out of fear. Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way, but sometimes even then its not enough to really teach you.

Time went on and after a while I kind of put it all behind me and just continued on with my life. I went to High School. My mom remarried to my step-father. Things were changing for me. The anxiety lifted slowly. Some time after, I felt real again. Nights weren't so sleepless anymore. One day however, I was with some friends again. I had told myself I would never try cocaine again, but I never said I would stop marijuana. So again, I got high and relapsed. This was my second spiral into depersonalization and the longest one as well. I was in this deep depression for almost an entire year. My goals in life were what kept me going and toward the end of the year, I did some researched on the way I felt and found out what depersonalization and derealization were. The more I researched the better I felt because I found that I wasn't the only one in the world with this condition as I thought I was. I took in as much information as I could, but when I felt I knew enough, I basically told myself, "I don't need to know anymore, it won't happen again". I moved on again. I still felt depersonalized every now and then, but it wasn't too severe. I really started getting into making music and decided I wanted to become a producer. My goals again maintained me.

Some time after, I learned my step-dad was a drug addict. He kept his addiction alive behind by family's back. When my mom found out, she kicked him out of the house. He broke into my house several times to pawn things to buy drugs. His ways led him to his death. The drugs had caused irreparable damage to his body and liver. While I knew him, we had become close, he was a good man. The drugs destroyed him. It hurt me a lot when he passed. Several months later, in the same year, another good friend of mine passed as well, only he was so close to me he was like my brother. I was in great disbelief over what happened and chose to ignore it and act like it never did happen. This was my escape. I started college and tried to forget about it all. Sometime during my first semester, a deep depression settled. I felt like I had no motivation to do anything and I relapsed again. I couldn't hold those feelings off for too long. This was my deepest spiral. The anxiety, depersonalization, derealization, it all came back and it was worse than ever. I thought about suicide several times, but I knew deep down it wouldn't solve anything for me. There were always those moments in life that were worth living for, even if they were scarce.

It was in this deepest spiral that I discovered how to make life livable even with depersonalization, derealization, and anxiety. I discovered for myself that the key to coping with it. That key was having an occupied mind. There were many times I unknowingly forgot about my depersonalization, and during that time that I wasn't thinking about it, it was gone. It only came back when I fed it thought again by saying "Is gone or is it still there", this made it come back. I realized that it was only present when I thought about it, and when I realized this I decided to do everything within my power to put the thought of it off. I started watching lots of movies, playing video games, engaging in hobbies, and being more social. I realized that those were the most effective ways to occupy my mind. The more social you are, the more it goes away. This is because it takes a lot of thinking to be able to hold on a conversation with someone. When you are engaged in conversation, your mind is thinking of the messages you are taking in and thinking of how to respond to them. This, although it may only be for a couple of seconds, those seconds you are free from depersonalization. Now if you are constantly engaged in conversation, or have your mind elsewhere like doing important daily activities and things that take thinking, it will better itself.
I now work part time, go to college full time, I DJ, I make music which I have always loved to do, I spend time with my girlfriend, hang out with friends, and I constantly keep myself busy doing multiple things. It has greatly worked for me for a while now, and although every now and then there may be a time when I think about it and feel some depersonalization, it's no longer anywhere near as severe and therefore fairly easy to ignore. I can definitely say life is now livable and worthwhile.

Ways to help your DP/DR /anxiety:
Here are some tips that will hopefully help you. They may sound weird but bear with me, they helped me a lot.

1). Focusing on the far object - This is one of the harder techniques to explain but I will try my best 
There are different points of focus. Much like a camera, your eyes have focus. For example, touch a finger to your nose and pull it further and further away as you follow it with your eyes. Now if you focus on an object that is far away from you for example a tree that's off in the horizon, you are focusing on the far object. Close your eyes while maintaining that focus. This makes it easier to think than if you are focusing on a close object like your eyelids or your nose while you have your eyes closed. In the far state of mind, it is easier to imagine things.

2). Using your imagination - sounds easy enough right? 
There have been tons of times when negative thoughts have began to infiltrate my mind and the minute they did, it was time to use my imagination. The object is to build a picture in your mind, however, try to refrain from imagining things that don't require much though, like picturing a circle for example or something simplistic. Try to build a more complex picture or even more along the lines of a scene. It could be natural, or a cityscape or any kind of scene. Make something happen in your imagination, for example picture a kid. The kid runs and jumps over a dog house. A dog runs out and chases him. He jumps and climbs a fence and his foot gets stuck in the fence. Play this in your mind.
Now as you think of this and you basically play this short movie in your head, you are perfectly ok in that brief moment that you are thinking of that movie. Remember that DP/DR is only present when you are thinking about it. Since you were thinking about the movie and not the DP, the DP had no thought to feed on and therefore it wasn't very pronounced. This is an example of how an occupied mind helps. Now if you were to occupy your mind like this constantly, it will fade more and more until it it's no longer a big deal.

So find those things that you love to do and do them. Become more involved with people and society. Occupy yourself and you will see that it will make a great difference in your life. My name is Amado. My email is [email protected] If you have any questions, comments, or concerns feel free to let me know. I am here to help.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Wow Amado...wow. Thank you so much for coming here on the forums to share your story. Seems like you've been in some of the darkest of places, but persevered, fought hard and long, and came out on the other side a stronger and more wise person. Thank you again! God Bless.


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## el_kapitano (Aug 21, 2010)

That was scary and sad story. I'm glad that you survive and came out of it even stronger and found things in life that you love.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Man you've been trough a lot, but I'm glad you're feeling better and thanks a lot for the tips


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## Amado728 (May 24, 2010)

You're more than welcome







thank you all


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