# I couldn't possibly conjure a more appealing title.



## Guest (Mar 23, 2006)

I'm female, seventeen years old, residing in Canada, and I've been living with what I believe to be depersonalization since the end of last July.

In the middle of July, I left for Poland with my mother to visit relatives. A few weeks before, I had become a little preoccupied with my weight, and was watching what I ate and obsessing over my body image. I began birth control pills to control my skin issues. I also left my CD player and all of my music at home while overseas (I had previously been listening to music for hours a day, and it was a huge part of my life), so immediately, four major changes had occurred to my lifestyle. While in Poland, my uncle and aunt treated us to a further two-week vacation in Crete. While at the hotel, I would spend hours alone, either swimming by myself in the pool, or in the hotel room while it was too hot or loud to stay outside. This provided entirely too much time for introspection, though I have always been very self-reflective. I thought obsessively about my weight, and my mind. I remember the very first night these feelings started - I was reading a magazine, having been left alone in the hotel room hours before. Suddenly, I just felt out of it, completely insane - as if I weren't myself, and the room around me wasn't real. I looked in the mirror, and couldn't believe it was myself I was seeing.

Over the next few days, every time I looked at a family member, it seemed as if I was looking at a memory of them - as if I was myself, twenty years into the future, looking back at this moment. My once bright imagination faded, and every moment was filled simply with anticipation for my weight loss, and for the next meal - I had become obsessed with food, as it was the only thing that seemed real and appealing. This began my eating disorder.

When we returned to Poland, I was left, daily, for hours at a time to entertain myself - and obsess over what was going on with my mind, and my body. I spent every second thinking about how many calories I'd consumed, and how many I was burning. There seemed little else worth thinking about.

As I've mentioned, I lost my ability to think creatively. Instead of thinking new thoughts (I apologize for my juvenile formulation of sentences, but at the moment, I could care less about floridity), I'd just repeat over and over again in my mind what other people had said, what I'd seen, or what I'd read.

At the end of August, I had two traumatic experiences. One was my mother's heart attack scare. It turned out to just be some minor caffeine and heat-induced excitation, but it scared the crap out of me. I thought she was going to die. I spent the next few days in a mental pit - crying, imagining life without her. Again, I felt as if I was looking at her in the future, as a memory. Then, as we were returning home, we were barred entry to Canada for documentation reasons. I was horrified - we spent a week trying to get new passports, tickets, etc. I hated being in Poland, with my relatives, and so spending an additional week - and not knowing precisely when we were returning home - was devastating for me.

Upon return, none of my symptoms faded. I had become even more obsessed with my food and body image - it became all I thought about. Everything I had been interested in previously (music, video games, reading) held no appeal. Every moment was spent in anticipation and fear of my next meal, and then, sleep. Ironically, I excelled in my schoolwork, having had nothing else to do. I lost a massive amount of weight - I had never been this thin before. My acne somehow disappeared. The girl in the mirror was nothing like she had ever been - I couldn't see myself. Over the summer, I had developped a mysterious heart condition. I would experience sharp pains in my chest and shaking palpitations. I felt I was going to die. I felt worthless, insignificant, and most importantly, dead. Again, I saw everything through a window in the future.

I held no interest in social activities. When I went to school, I concentrated exclusively on what the teacher was saying - my mind couldn't wander, because it could not produce any original thought. Every individual I saw, I felt expendable and superfluous - I had begun thinking about how severely over-populated the world was, and how most people were essentially worthless because they would never contribute positively to society, or have unique and wonderful life experiences, like I had once had. Even though my interests in fashion and music were gone, I still continued to look at magazines and websites pertaining to them, as if I could possibly recapture that interest.

My shrinking body made me feel weak and small, which I had never been or felt. Though I felt nothing and my life was empty and meaningless, I only cried once or twice during the entire 7-month period I had the disorder. And even when I did, it didn't feel sincere, or as if I had anything to cry about.

I spent hours a day, clicking furiously through "Food Porn" websites as I ate, pondering new recipes and cooking techniques, though I never actually tried any of them. Though my state was far from content, these sessions proved to be my only source of "joy" during the day - when I finally hit the limit on my calorie intake, I would become very sad and anticipate the next day's menu.

Songs would get stuck in my head very easily - I could have one line from a commercial jingle replay constantly for weeks. As I spent about an hour or so walking to and from school every day, this and repetition of material I had learned in school or online would just replay in my head, as if someone were speaking to me, but I couldn't reply.

I stopped bathing as frequently - my hair would go unwashed for weeks at a time, I wouldn't change my underwear - none of this seemed significant. I stopped wearing makeup, which had always been a fascination of mine, and soemthing I looked forward to every morning.

At the end of February, I had an epiphany. I went for a walk, and took my CD player with me. Life became brighter again - I had begun to appreciate again the beauty of nature, and music. I became sincerely interested in fashion again, as well as other things. Food became less important - I stopped perusing Flickr's Food Porn pool, finally, after so many months. In fact, I'd even say I had restored my previous behaviour with food - I stopped counting calories and started listening to my hunger isntead of establishing set times for eating. I began drawing again, and though I'd experience moments of depersonalization, they were quick and disappeared once I had become aware of their presence. For a few weeks, I was very happy - myself again. I began thinking critically, creatively.

Then last night, I took a long shower - longer than usual, because I had to wash my hair. And I depersonalized, again. Completely. It wasn't just a moment. It has continued to this moment, as I write this. Washing off my makeup, and seeing myself so thin and strange again seems to have spurred it on. When I was television, or hear people speak, I repeat everything they say in my head, right after they say it. When I try to think of something unique and wonderful, my mind returns to images I've already seen, or things I've already read. I don't feel _myself_ here. I can't focus my eyes on anything, and nothing seems real.

I'm sure there's more I can say about this, but I can't remember right now - and I'm late for school. Thank you for reading this far, if you have. I haven't told ANY of this - not about the eating disorder, the depersonalization, my mother's heart scare - to ANYONE. I'm very introverted and secretive by nature, so this is very difficult for me, but I don't feel I can continue living with this bottled up inside. Every moment of my life is unbearable right now, because I don't know where I am. I remember that I used to have a personality, and a unique mind, but I don't understand where they've gone. I've been crying continuously since last night, obviously with no change.

I really just have no idea what to do. Is there any medication, specifically made for these symptoms? I'm very apprehensive about pills - I've been on them several times for my acne, and the side effects were horrendous. I've been depressed (or, I had been - I don't know whether what I feel now can really be called depression) for a few years now, and while medication seems appealing, I've always been afraid of the side effects and - ironically - losing my personality and imagination.

I need someone to talk to, which I've never felt the need to do. I've always remedied my sadness and anxieties with music or self-reflection, but I can't do that now.


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## lacuevadeloso (Mar 15, 2006)

Welcome 032306! Cheer up 'cause you've come to the right place to be informed by many experienced DPers (and a couple of doctors too) that are finding alternatives to get around this obstacle. I also suggest you try the chatroom too to talk to them.

Stay close to what's dear to you, your creative outlets and joys, remain always active. Takes a combinations of factors to see which ones work for you. Excercise, medication (probably), a balanced nutrition, positive thinking (patience), therapy, and again, information.

I think your in the right moment to get a plan, since your symptoms started so little ago (some of us have lived with DP for our entire lifes!). So, don't get discouraged! The main thing for now is to keep depression and anxiety under control, since they are the ingredients that feed DP. I know the idea of medications makes some of us cringe, but we gotta consider it, people here will tell you what has helped them and what not.

But is also important to look for a DP/DR savy doctor (never self medicate, of course) that can work with you and be open to suggestions. The medical community seems still a bit reluctant to treat DP as a singular condition, but that's about to change.

Your personality and imagination won't be threatened, on the contrary, they're the key to take a stand and they'll keep you afloat as long as you listen to them and act creatively; this is also a sickness of the soul, so nourish it. But never isolate, your friends and communication are also your medicine.

This will all might take time, but there's just not a quick pill to fix it. Is just one more of those tests in life that you gotta keep pounding at it; and you'll come out a better person after all, no doubt.

I know I'm not giving you any detailed formulas, but you'll find those by relating to the stories here to your own needs.

So again, gather your strenght and determination, that it will pay off soon enough, since you're so ahead of the game already.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)




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