# Right now I hate EVERYTHING!!!



## Guest (Jun 18, 2008)

That's it really, I just needed to get that off my chest.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

AHHHHHH ME TOO!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH. PHUCKKKK SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Yeah me too. Today somebody at work basically said that I dont connect with anybody or fit in, which is true, but to hear somebody actually say it has left me in a state ever since and I feel like im having some sort of breakdown

. Now I am fecked because I need to work to live but because of the state im in I cant connect with anyone so god knows what im going to do, maybey try to work from home or do something where im completely on my own, its not looking good for me


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## Guest (Jun 18, 2008)

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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

The thing is that the person that said that to me isn't really a rude or arrogant person and I have worked with her for a long time so what she was saying wasn't all that malicious rather it was more like stating the truth and bringing out an issue nobody was talking about so I dont hold it against her for saying it, it is almost like a shock of reality so that I couldn't keep lying to myself about how I am which has left me in a bit of a mental state, You are right that you dont need to fit in to work though its just uncomfortable not to and I need to face up to the reality im living on rather than keep trying to pretend that im ok


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

i think i know that pain which comes from being honest about others real feelings about oneself.
life is very hard like that....i personally hardly fit in anywhere....although dp folks are very accepting
and i like a lot of the dp people they just seem more accepting. we love each other. we love you Pablo!


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## Guest (Jun 18, 2008)

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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Thank you I love you too. I doubt I will quit but I need to somehow find a way of being true to myself and stop being a fraud pretending to people, I have always isolated myself and not tried to integrate at work but by doing that I had somehow convinced myself I was not as bad mentally as I am but then a few words of the truth has completely rocked me, I have barely been upset or overly emotional for many years but today I have been crying almost non stop since mid day, I went to see my therapist but that seems to have made things worse, I will just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow might have to call in the men with the white coats


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## Guest (Jun 18, 2008)

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## Guest (Jun 19, 2008)

I would just like to thank you guys for all the support.

Thank you.

Question: Have you ever felt invisible?.....Just curious.

WOW...Isn't the board really colourful that the moment.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Im still the same person said:


> I would just like to thank you guys for all the support.
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> ...


were you emotionally neglected? and have you got used to not taking your feelings seriously?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Wow it is colorful! If I could figure out how to attach my damn signature to every post I would add some color too.


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## Guest (Jun 19, 2008)

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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I've tried that 4 effin times and i still have to maually click "attach sig" at the bottom of every post other wise it doesn't put it in automatically. Here goes another try tho. I really like you signature by the way.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Do you also have to manually attach it by clicking attach signature at the bottom of every post?


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Spirit said:


> Pablo ive been thinking about what you said about what your colleage said being such a "shock of reality".I used to have this thing where if I could present a cirtain image to everyone,an incontrol,ok demeaner then I felt ok.Like if I could convince everyone else I was alright then I could convince myself I was alright.I wondered if you had the same thing?
> I had learned to do this as a child with the help of my mother.Being weak or scared or vunerable meant being abandoned or exploited or having my fears used against me-my father did this to me and still trys to.My mother painted a idealised way of seeing things to disguise the hell it was really was and disguise the abuse I got.I became so good at pretending I forgot that I was actually pretending.My make shift reality wasnt real...setting the conditions in my mind for discosiation ,I didnt know who I was what was real anymore.Being independent meant meant being controled and manipulated...so I couldnt wibn.I could never find my "role" in the family or anywhere else,I didnt know how to "be" around people.When I got depression I couldnt put on the in control image anymore and that terrified me.....anyway I could go into detail but wont here...I just wondered if you had a similar thing about showing people that youre in control then you can convince yourself that youre alright.


Yes I think im in something similar, when im around people a lot it is imposible for me to act and feel ok so I have been isolating myself and by doing that somehow managed to convince myself that I wasn't as bad mentally as I really am (an ego control/pride thing I guess). I think it is something learned from my mother because she seems to think that if she ignores a problem and carries on like it is not there then it doesn't exist - which is a recipe for dissociation and warped reality.

Sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread Greg, I hope you are feeling better now than when you wrote that you hate everything


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## Guest (Jun 20, 2008)

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## Ryan (Oct 20, 2007)

Why do you hate everything, I am still the same person? Please share!


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

phuck everything my day sucks :evil:


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## Guest (Jun 21, 2008)

Ryan said:


> Why do you hate everything, I am still the same person? Please share!


Well I don't hate "Everything".........I love my family.

I just feel like I'm the invisible man, which would be kinda cool sometimes.

It's like this, imagine we are in a time that holographic technology was common place, we all had a room in which we could, instead of just watch a film, it would be a holographic projection that you could walk around in.
you wouldn't be able to interact with any of the characters but if you were in their path the program would realize and make the necessary adjustments to make the character walk around you as if you were just an object in the way.
That is how I feel, I feel detached from my surroundings.

It's making me feel very depressed.


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## Guest (Jun 22, 2008)

When I first came to this forum back in 2003 my origional username was "Invisable"..I know its horrible.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Dear Greg, 
I hope you are reading this. 
say i live in an alienated place, just above my head, where no one can see me, I disconnect from my bodily life as "myself" and think....well since i'm invisible now, no one can see me, no one knows who i really am...they sort of know something is "up" with me but they don't know exactly how alienated I am, nor how much I shut off from their existance claiming to myself that i'd be invalidating their humanity if i empathised with them....so i can go on living quite happily up here, in my own little world, which is very different to being and equal part of it. People won't know what i do in my spare time, or how late i get up in the morning, or how i can't be bothered to cook for myself, what a social failure i was at college..etc etc. ....and heck, since no one else exists in this "invisible mind space" where i locate myself to avoid involvement in life.....well know one can empathise or care about me either. they don't even know me. i don't actually exist in the shared universe. they are like 1000 miles away. i'll never know them. they'll never REALLY know me. afterall they don't care about me...how could they, first of all, i have to substitute something in there were there is no longer a tangible person. thoughts and ideas expressed. i don't see a human form in other eyes, and i don't see a human form when i a do or say things. i just think.

i am also alienated, and together with what i wrote about, cannot actually believe i am a person. i find it strange when people speak to me. this is no joke. i have always found it odd.

then i have to realise it is how i'm seeing others which is screwed up, because i'm assuming that i can't imagine what others see.

is that a surprise. my mum certainly acted as if i was much bigger and dangerous than what i am, commanding my human physical body around as if it was "in the way" all of the time, like i didn't have the right to exist in myself. i fled my body. that became a habitual response, it was most obvious when i was in my room and she called me. it would instantly knock me out of myself again. perhaps at the moment, the hate i felt for her mind was so strong, i could no longer stay in my body. if i associated with my feelings i would have either killed her or killed myself. depersonalisation was the easy option. it was something i did from birth. i saw a picture of myself in her arms as a little baby, totally zoned out, no mother-baby eye-contact. she said i was born with grey eyes. and when she said that, she means it literally because of course, to her mind, she is never wrong. her judgement is objective and always "the way of things" irrespective of whether it matches up to reality or not, irrespective if it invalidated another person's identity or autonomy.

to me, depersonalisation is who i am. its very hard to imagine not being disconnected from myself. it is me as far as i am concerned, and certainly the way i remember being since i was a child, most definately since the moment i realised i was always going to be abandoned by my mum emotionally. then i gave up on living a connected life and had learned that human bond-making involved too much pain an anguish. it hurt too much to deeply care. so i learned how to care "superficially". to notice peoples emotions and respond to their feelings without ever having to experience the empathy and heart-welling compassion that most people take as normal. from them on, no person would ever be GOOD ENOUGH. and i would never be good enough for anyone else. there would only ever be division, difference and humilation, if only in subtle ways people couldn't readily detect. i live on the outside of reality. and yet, that feels more real to me because it is "what i know best".

it takes a lot of courage to stop being invisible. if you feel like you are ready to take the plunge....go for it. but it is up to you, and for sure, you'd have to work out if you really prefere to feel involved versus alienated. for me, i was doing weeding yesterday, and became aware i was "part of the drama" and had a human form. it then occured to me that, whilst that is more peaceful, i actually prefere to be alienated and live in my own universe (the reason being that, without people, there is no threat to my identity. i can exist, albeit separate from people, without the thread of actual annihilation...on the level of the mask, i have to control myself strictly and put up with the constant negativity that accompanies being an alienated person who pisses people off)....i know how easy it is to lose reality, or lose connectivity in a human context, cos the other person pulled out. its like my soul doesn't have the strength to keep on hanging on, so i let the rope break, and the place i fall is a kind of purgatory, its flat and bland, like an arid industrial landscape. the only thing left is the remains of civilisation, no actual PEOPLE, and so i can continue to live on without the horrible feeling that i am "involved in something" dynamic and intense. it serves as a great relief.

...i rambled on, but i just wanted to say to you, if you are reading this, if you wanted to be real, i believe you could be. but non-reality is easier in some ways...at least for me, and i only speak for myself. i like to think of it as living a life in negative, so nothing can be lost and nothing can be gained, but the price of that is chronic emptiness because the only reality IS loss.

love from 
Rozanne


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2008)

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