# Fear of devolping schizophrenia, please help



## JackBone

So I have been dealing with anxiety and "depersonalization" for couple years now. It started when I smoked weed. I quit weed 8 months ago, when I tried "speed" and had horrible panic attack or something like that, I decided to stop all drugs. I had this depersonalization feeling back then when I quitted very bad, I was sure back then I was devolping schizophrenia too. I was having anxiety 24/7 that time. I am 19 years old. I used to smoke weed alot, multiple times daily for 2-3 years. When I decided to quit, I actually took ecstasy, speed, alcohol and weed at same time, at music festival. I first time smoked weed cause I thought it was cool thing to do and would be interesting to try it. Then I started smoking it more and more, maybe because of boredom. I wanted to be "cool kid" because I was bullied in school earlier in my life.

I got somewhat better it for sometime, but for couple months now I have been terrified I have heart attacks(chest pain), brain tumour (weird feelings in head), cancer (big tonsilis in mouth), and I cant even remember all. I have been doctors and ER and they told me everything is fine. I had breathing problems and stopped smoking cigarettes. Then I began thinking if im devolping schizophrenia because im so paranoid of these diseases, which I dont have.

Then I began googling the symptoms and;

Sometimes I see things from corner of my eye, not directly looking. Sometimes when theres like my black jacket on couch, I think I see something like a black cat, by corner of eye. But I know there couldnt be a cat. Sometimes I think theres someone moving on balcony, by corner of my eye, but it is actually a carpet. I know there couldnt be anything. I have been having this for years. When I look at the things directly theres just jacket or carpet or something. I think its due my depersonalization. Its been there ever since I devolped that feeling.

If I look at somekind of complex, pattern, Like a carpet, if I stare at it for sometime my eyes get blurry and it looks like the pattern is shaking or moving bit. I have been having this too for years, I think its due my depersonalization.

Yesterday I thought what do crazy people think about, to check if im thinking that too. I thought they think about killing people or hurting themselves. So I started thinking about stabbing about my mother. I started thinking about it myself just to check if im crazy. I got very anxious and started almost crying I thought I was going crazy right now. I thought what if I am really thinking about that and got super anxious! Then at the end I somehow relaxed and went to sleep.

I have stopped doing drugs, but im scared/anxious/paranoid of accidentally taking it. My friend did cocaine once at a party, and I thought I accidentally took his snorting pill for my drink. And I wont drink my drug user friends beer, because I am not sure if they mix their drugs in the drink. Im scared of drugs, because they have made this way I feel now. So I dont hang out alot with these drug user people anymore. With them I am paranoid of getting drugged accidentally or something..

I dont know if I explained myself well, its little bit long to read, but im terrified about devolping something like schizophrenia, it has been my worst fear for my whole life. I like being sane. My grandmothers sister had that. I am having alot of stress right now, my mother is going on vacation and I am going to be alone in my house and im just afraid being alone too I have never been... I have job starting thursday.. Hope I didnt forget to type anything.

Please tell me this is just some anxiety/OCD/depersonalization thing and that im not devolping something like that!

When I am anxious im usually googling things ;D and yelling at my mother to go away if she comes to talk to me. When im playing video games or something, I feel good because im distracted.

I am very health anxious person and I check everything I do and feel. I am very aware of everything. And I make big deal of everything. I am constantly trying to find something like hallucination. I have time to psychiatrist week from now.

It is hard to live in constant fear of devolping serious physical or mental disease. When I google things I become sure I have everything. Today im feeling little bit ill in my stomach. Maybe its because im alot of time in anxious state. I hope someone could explain me something.

My fear of schizophrenia is not actually that im having it right now, but my symptoms is devolping into psychosis soon. I am more scared now when my mom is leaving tonight for vacation, that I will be home alone and go tripping psychosis and no one will know. ;D

When I didnt know the symptoms of this disease, I didnt worry so much. But now that I know, for example, schizophrenic people fear that someone is following them, I feel little bit like that. Like someone could/might be following me. And that they cut social contacts, I noticed I have been couple days at home. I think I have been home because I have been so anxious. Is this my brain just playing tricks with me?

And 1 thing to add, the depersonalization feeling has maybe faded away a bit now, when I have been 8 months sober. This site helped me back then.


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## Sean1997-

I have all of the symptoms you have and went through the exact same rumination of believing I had ever physical illness and the mental ones associated. Trust me I've had every medical check done, for example I've had an mri scan which was completely fine-so no brain tumour. The feeling of going insane is quite a common symptom of this disorder because it creates hypervigilance, which causes you to constantly feel like you are under threat from something, explaining your health anxiety. The fact that you are questioning whether you are going crazy or insane proves that you're not. If you had psychosis or schizophrenia you wouldn't recognise that you shouldn't be feeling this. For example with psychosis the paranoia of thinking that maybe someone is trying to kill you is a genuine belief, a fear that is completely irrational to a neutral, logical observer but one that you believe is happening. The fact that you're questioning that you are having these thoughts is just like you said 'your mind playing tricks on you'. If you focus on something repetitively like having schizophrenia you'll come obsessed with questioning every thought you have and whether they are abnormal, it's just a vicious circle of self awareness and paranoia that is brought on by your anxious feelings of becoming a schizophrenic.

You say that playing video games distracts you and I'm assuming helps you an awful lot because of the mental stimulation. These hobbies are the key to helping you overcome this obstacle you are facing. Other things such as exercise, socialising and meditation are incredibly vital to ones state of mind, especially with having dp.

I hope you take on board that you are NOT going to develop schizophrenia, it's just you're anxious state of mind. Also any normal person can have a thought of doing something irrational, for example when I read your post when I read the part of you stabbing your mother, I suddenly thought of it too- it's a rational thought of curiosity that the mind can do. It doesn't mean you are going to do it, you know it's irrational!

I hope you follow this advise as much as you can, I know how difficult this is too tackle


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## JackBone

I found



Sean1997- said:


> I have all of the symptoms you have and went through the exact same rumination of believing I had ever physical illness and the mental ones associated. Trust me I've had every medical check done, for example I've had an mri scan which was completely fine-so no brain tumour. The feeling of going insane is quite a common symptom of this disorder because it creates hypervigilance, which causes you to constantly feel like you are under threat from something, explaining your health anxiety. The fact that you are questioning whether you are going crazy or insane proves that you're not. If you had psychosis or schizophrenia you wouldn't recognise that you shouldn't be feeling this. For example with psychosis the paranoia of thinking that maybe someone is trying to kill you is a genuine belief, a fear that is completely irrational to a neutral, logical observer but one that you believe is happening. The fact that you're questioning that you are having these thoughts is just like you said 'your mind playing tricks on you'. If you focus on something repetitively like having schizophrenia you'll come obsessed with questioning every thought you have and whether they are abnormal, it's just a vicious circle of self awareness and paranoia that is brought on by your anxious feelings of becoming a schizophrenic.
> 
> You say that playing video games distracts you and I'm assuming helps you an awful lot because of the mental stimulation. These hobbies are the key to helping you overcome this obstacle you are facing. Other things such as exercise, socialising and meditation are incredibly vital to ones state of mind, especially with having dp.
> 
> I hope you take on board that you are NOT going to develop schizophrenia, it's just you're anxious state of mind. Also any normal person can have a thought of doing something irrational, for example when I read your post when I read the part of you stabbing your mother, I suddenly thought of it too- it's a rational thought of curiosity that the mind can do. It doesn't mean you are going to do it, you know it's irrational!
> 
> I hope you follow this advise as much as you can, I know how difficult this is too tackle


I found this very helpful, thank you! I got peace of mind.  I thought I was doing well recovering from DP but now I got my anxiety issues back. Brain is very powerful tool.


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## Sean1997-

It's alright, don't doubt that you are not doing well it's more or less just a process of phases you are going through, try and stay positive about how far you've come, never underestimate your progress and don't feel disheartened if you have down moments, it's just a virtue of patience and understanding your triggers and using grounding techniques to conquer them


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## JackBone

Sean1997- said:


> It's alright, don't doubt that you are not doing well it's more or less just a process of phases you are going through, try and stay positive about how far you've come, never underestimate your progress and don't feel disheartened if you have down moments, it's just a virtue of patience and understanding your triggers and using grounding techniques to conquer them


I have now been somekind of obsessed with thinking about hurting myself or other people... I feel so scared when these thoughts come in my head, I am very kind and nice to other people, I would never want to hurt anyone.. I think this could be somekind of OCD thought? I was actually in psychiatrist today, I felt so bad. He said I dont seem anykind of psychotic to him. We made appointment for later. And I am doubting if im being paranoid all the time, I was in gas stop filling tank and got scared somebody could be looking at me when I was alone. I didnt feel like there is anybody looking at me, but could be. I dont know how to explain it. I am having very bad fears right now about everything, and I cant get myself out of it. They gave me Ketipinor 12,5mg in psychiatrist for anxiety and sleeping but I dont want to take it because people tells its makes u feel like zombie.  I am so obsessed with thought im devolping schizophrenia.. I am constantly looking for hallucination to prove it..


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## Sean1997-

This is just a feeling of being hypersensitive to your feelings and surroundings. You're feeling paranoid of harming others yet you know it isn't an action you would act upon, which is a positive! (Look at the positives in the dark times). From what you have described you have no form of psychosis whatsoever. In actual fact, even when I was normal, I would often always feel like someone could be watching me- so much so that id have to keep observing my surroundings, which generally speaking is an anxious behaviour which in turn creates an ocd chain reaction.

I certainly would advise you not to take the medication! It's my personal opinion but I believe that a dozen of psychiatrists can't comprehend the complexity of this condition so they just throw meds in your direction.

I know it is a very hard cycle to break, but constantly ruminating for something (schizophrenia:hallucinations) exacerbates the paranoia and anxiety you are feeling. In your case I believe you have severe anxiety accompanied by dp. So therefore I'd advise you to try mindfulness, such as: meditation, yoga, listening to reiki music and light exercise to stabilise your cortisol levels and release endorphins such as serotonin and dopamine-to boost your mood and decrease the feelings of hypersensitivity.

Right now you are fighting these thoughts embrace them, they cannot hurt you. As you fight these emotions your mind will revert to increasing your stress levels thus causing extreme nervousness. Just let them be, trust me you are not developing schizophrenia, these are EXTREMELY COMMON DP/DR SYMPTOMS!!!!

These thoughts are a trigger therefore by accepting them you are not fueling the process and your mind will become aware of this and no longer feel the need to develop existential thoughts of dissociation. For example I'll use an analogy to simplify it. Imagine a car is dp or the symptoms of existential thoughts. By fighting or responding negatively to these triggers is like fueling the car with more petrol, so it'll continue to drive. Once you begin to accept these feelings with a positive outlook, like "I don't care", the car will eventually after time stop and not be able to continue because the fuel has ran out.

Pm me if you need to talk I'm here to help


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## Zorro

Hey, Jack! You will be fine man, trust me. I had absolutely the same symptoms you described. Your body are fucking smart, just give it some time to recover and keep yourself distracted. Now look, it can be difficult, but try to find psychiatrist who knows about anxiety and DP/DR or who can read this forum, especialy this topic http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/51085-psychiatric-treatments-for-depersonalisation/you can print it and take papers next time. I was taking Xanax at my worst anxiety period and it helped me alot. Note, that Xanax is a powerful anxiolytic and you can take it for a short period (month or two) due to tolerance and dependence.


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## meekah

no need to fear a mental disorder, it is what it is just live


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## hennessy

Sean1997- said:


> I have all of the symptoms you have and went through the exact same rumination of believing I had ever physical illness and the mental ones associated. Trust me I've had every medical check done, for example I've had an mri scan which was completely fine-so no brain tumour. The feeling of going insane is quite a common symptom of this disorder because it creates hypervigilance, which causes you to constantly feel like you are under threat from something, explaining your health anxiety. The fact that you are questioning whether you are going crazy or insane proves that you're not. If you had psychosis or schizophrenia you wouldn't recognise that you shouldn't be feeling this. For example with psychosis the paranoia of thinking that maybe someone is trying to kill you is a genuine belief, a fear that is completely irrational to a neutral, logical observer but one that you believe is happening. The fact that you're questioning that you are having these thoughts is just like you said 'your mind playing tricks on you'. If you focus on something repetitively like having schizophrenia you'll come obsessed with questioning every thought you have and whether they are abnormal, it's just a vicious circle of self awareness and paranoia that is brought on by your anxious feelings of becoming a schizophrenic.
> 
> You say that playing video games distracts you and I'm assuming helps you an awful lot because of the mental stimulation. These hobbies are the key to helping you overcome this obstacle you are facing. Other things such as exercise, socialising and meditation are incredibly vital to ones state of mind, especially with having dp.
> 
> I hope you take on board that you are NOT going to develop schizophrenia, it's just you're anxious state of mind. Also any normal person can have a thought of doing something irrational, for example when I read your post when I read the part of you stabbing your mother, I suddenly thought of it too- it's a rational thought of curiosity that the mind can do. It doesn't mean you are going to do it, you know it's irrational!
> 
> I hope you follow this advise as much as you can, I know how difficult this is too tackle


For example, if someone is not scared of being in a case like "Truman Show" the movie, but he is just "afraid of believing" that type of thing. Is this psychosis?


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## Chicane

For a while I was obsessed with thinking I had schizophrenia, then I got on meds that calmed me down. The obsession stopped, and I started thinking how there are probably actually way worse things to have than schizophrenia. So if you can, minimize some of this stuff, play it down in your own mind. Because I mean, even if you had it (unlikely) would it really be the end of the world? Schizophrenia itself is on a spectrum, and most people with it have a mild case that is treated by way of medication. So if you honestly can't stop the obsession, try to take away some of its power using plain and simple logic. Or by way of comparison with something worse - because when I think of how many times I've almost killed myself over the years, I can now quite honestly laugh at having something like schizo. I really believe this type of marginalization is the secret to stopping intrusive thoughts like you're experiencing.


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## JackBone

Hello again. I found your post helpful. I get what you are saying. I just feel so powerless against this. I cant resist it and it has been going for two months now this bad. Most of my daily thoughts are obsessing about schizophrenia etc. I cant find anything helpful, but distraction. Thats the only way I feel normal. I do alot of things daily to keep myself distracted. I feel so bad, Like I have death sentence to schizophrenia and will be in hospital for rest of my life. I know this is not normal, what I can do... I feel trapped.

I think I need to take some kind of drug for now. But I am so obsessed, that I think if I take antidepressants they can make psychosis come more easily. So I have been taking ketipinor (half of 25mg) some times to sleep and relieve anxiety because its a damn antipsychotic. What is wrong with me I am too sensitive person or something.

Now I am obsessed that I am hearing things. There is allways songs looping in my head because I am a DJ. So I am starting to wonder if I really hear those songs. I dont recognize fully where those songs are looping or something. But I really know that those are in my head and there is no way is playing music around me really. And then I was watching alot of videos about pranks where he says "its just a prank bro" and even that sentence looped in my head that whole evening! What is this! Night is the worst. I try to hear for longtime if I am hearing things, then I will hear somekind of conversation in VERY VERY LOW tune, dont know if I am tripping or is it something like a fan im mishearing. I dont kinda even hear that, its just me being hypersensitive maybe. I havent find the source of that sound yet. I will allways go search for source of a sound if I hear unusual sounds to prove its not hallucination. I have tinnitus (maybe cuz I am playing loudly music) and I think thats an hallucination of course.

I dont know why I am explaining these "symptoms" for you. It wont help. I feel so powerless right now. I feel like im 99% sure that I will have some serious mental illness that this is the beginning stage. Or I think I already got one, cuz this is taking all my time, I feel threatened. I will be chilling at computer then I remember oh I am hearing hallucinations oh I am going to psychosis.

What I can do. I feel doomed. I still have hope I will get better, but I dont know how. This seems so stupid problem to have with all things in the world happening when I am thinking it rationally but I cant really help it. I want to feel safe. I have very good days sometimes, but then something like a song looping in my head allday long or have random thought I will feel so trapped. And now even Harm OCD thoughts are back, I will be thinking something like driving my car to the sea and I almost feel like I would do it. I have no idea why. I would hate myself forever if I would do it. And I feel so guilty about that! I have no idea why I would ever do that!

Sorry for long text, this is only place I can talk about this. My psychiatrist is not helpful and I see her only once in a month and my mother doesnt understand at all what is wrong with me. She thinks this is caused by weed and other drugs.

I dont feel DP so much anymore, unless im thinking about it. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and I feel like being in a dream.

Only thing that is keeping me sane is that when I am distracting myself I feel kinda normal. Then I just look like what the hell I dont even have any symptom of psychosis why I am being anxious all the time. At the moment I am hearing some kind of beeping somewhere, so gotta go find it. XD Thanks for reading. Hopefully I can recover from this at some point.


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## Zorro1

Hey man! I told you above and will repeat it once more - you described just the same symptoms I had when was extremely anxious after smoking weed. Look, your state is COMMON, not unique. I was also "hearing" sounds like beeping or even birds singing (which I was sure was not real). Yes, you had some symptoms which may really looks like schizophrenia - but this symptoms will have most healthy people with extremal anxiety after cannabis intoxication.
First - keep strong, I know it's hard, but keep believing this state is not for the rest of your life.
Second - don't afraid of meds, low doses of ketipinor can slow your extremal anxiety down allowing your brain to start recovery. I was fucking afraid of Xanax coz I read that it is very addictive and blah blah... Meds will not solve you problem once and for all, but they allow you to start the recovery.
Third - keep yourself distracted. This is the only cure.
Likely you will feel much better after approximately six month to one year.


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## JackBone

Zorro1 said:


> Hey man! I told you above and will repeat it once more - you described just the same symptoms I had when was extremely anxious after smoking weed. Look, your state is COMMON, not unique. I was also "hearing" sounds like beeping or even birds singing (which I was sure was not real). Yes, you had some symptoms which may really looks like schizophrenia - but this symptoms will have most healthy people with extremal anxiety after cannabis intoxication.
> First - keep strong, I know it's hard, but keep believing this state is not for the rest of your life.
> Second - don't afraid of meds, low doses of ketipinor can slow your extremal anxiety down allowing your brain to start recovery. I was fucking afraid of Xanax coz I read that it is very addictive and blah blah... Meds will not solve you problem once and for all, but they allow you to start the recovery.
> Third - keep yourself distracted. This is the only cure.
> Likely you will feel much better after approximately six month to one year.


Thank you man. I think I dont actually even hear any voices, its just me making that shit up somehow. Nobody havent noticed anything unusual about me but myself. I am now couple days after suddenly doing better because I just distracted myself. I am starting escitalopram tomorrow, hope it helps! I know somehow I will get better allways, but its tough anyways.

By the way, the thing is, that I last time smoked marijuana 1 year ago. Thats why I feel like I cant put the blame on cannabis. But these "symptoms" devolped only after I readed like 2 hours about schizophrenia like 2 months ago. I was afraid of going crazy 1 year ago too, but couple months after stopping weed I felt better and was doing things.

Do you think I could still be healing from cannabis, meth and synthetic drugs after 1 years of stopping or am I am fucked up forever? xd


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## Surfer Rosa

1 year ago? Synthetics? Yes, you may still need to heal.


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## babybowrain

hi, go get your eyesight tested.


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## mjones

dude you're no schizo no worries, I go through DP/DR sometimes. mine comes and goes and it isn't chronic......but yeah I still got emotion like crying like I cried today. doesn't happen much but some overwhelming things brings back all the emotions.

I got it from a panic attack as most people did. No way I have lyme disease or lacking in any vitamins/minerals/hormones (unlikely at least)..... as I got it fro a panic attack. I've been having panic attack for a while now just haven't been realizing it. had a very bad one that caused this.....got it for no reason too.

well naw you ain't schizo no you ain't gonna die and no you are still perceived as the same person you are.

what makes me comfortable is knowing that only one person knows what goes on in your head.....and that's you. so you're still the same person to your mother, father, siblings/etc.....trust me on this as long as you talk/engage.

feeling sucks, its fucking terrible but it gets better tho.


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## Confusedandtired

Dude this is ocd. I have diagnosed ocd and get the same thing


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