# New here, glad and sad to be here ( long)



## chiara (Nov 5, 2005)

Ηello I am Anna from Greece. I never thought that all this weirdness I feel was not just me! I dont feel good but I feel a little better that I am not alone.
I have always had panic attacks a bit of depression and sometimes agoraphobia since I was about 18. I am now almost 34. I have never taken any medication for it. I toughed it out most of the time. Dont know how good that is but at least I felt better that I could manage to muddle through no matter how HARD.
I have never done drugs. I have never had horrid childhood memories to haunt me. I guess anxiety isjust part of me.
A few years ago while working at a job I despised, ( I was 26 then) I came home and for some reason the house just didnt seem to look like mine. It was this weird haunting feeling I just could not describe. My husband was ''freaking'' because I was just in a daze most of the time. It caused my anxiety to skyrocket and I would have so many panic attacks a day I didnt recognise myself. I just wanted to feel ''normal'' again but I wasnt sure what that was!
During that time, my neck was having problems due to too much computer. To this day I am not sure if it was THATwhich was making me feel wierd ( the neck nerves pulsating all day, dizziness etc) or if it was the panic causing my perception to be ''off''. 
So after I ended up quitting my job becuase I just couldnt do it anymore, the anxiety, poof disapeared. This weird feeling of ''who am I ?'' where amd I ? why does my house look strange? '' left after a few weeks and I was ''normal'' again for years. No panic, no agoraphbia, no existance problems nothing.

So a few weeks ago I am working for way too many hours at my computer doing data entry, taking care of my 5 year old daughter, people always asking for things ( I am also president of kindergarden pta since last year) etc.
Just normal every day things. My neck starts acting up again, Im thinking from the computer....I didnt feel ''normal''. Then of course this triggered so many thoughts of ''what is normal for me?'' ''why does my house look wierd again???'' and just brought back all those horrid things again from so many years ago. 
Then of course I get depressed , not feeling love for my daughter or husband,thinking there was nothing to ever look forward to again AND everyone and everything looks so strange again. Like Im looking through a ''glassy fog''. I could take care of my daughter and all and get out of bed ever day, but it was without feeling. Robotic. Going through the motions kind of thing. I could feel things I held but couldnt focus on my hands doing the things like they werent my hands at all.

When I would speak to people although I would carry on a normal conversation, in my mind Im thinking ''is this me talking?'' how wierd. I felt like I was just put here. but not like I normally am. I feel like I lost something. or like I just got here. I cant explain. Ive seen though on this board many explainations of EXACTLY how Ive been feeling.

Ive been a little better this past week but every now and again I get this wierd WIERD feeling. I FORCE myself to go out during the day to pick up my daughter from school etc. I dont know if all this stuff came from my neck going haywire and making my perception ''off'' or if it was anxiety causing. it. When I would wear a neck collar I was a bit better, now I dont need it cause the neck symptoms are gone. Busy places are hell for me. I cant focus on where I am, even though I dont get lost or anything.

However whenever I go out its like Im just a robot. I cant FOCUS on where I am. its just so wierd. I dont get lost or anything like that and my memory is really good. I can function in that sense but subconciously I am just questioning my existance shall I say, wondering who *I* am, what I am doing.am I real? why do I feel so disconnected?? I cant even explain its so frustrating. I was a happy person always into things, now I am too ''not here'' to enjoy anything.

I do not have any problems. I have a great husband and a child. No bad memories or anything like that. I dont think I have a chemical thing going on because I can ''controll '' it if I dont think about it etc. Ive never contemplated suicide but I feel so TRAPPED in this wierdness there is no end.

This is getting too long. I refuse to take any kind of antidepressant or any kind of anxiety medication. I have done it before ( battling it ) and I think I can do it again. However the older I get the harder it is to FEEL again. I found this site after looking for some tips. Basically if I dont think about it I ''forget'' in a sense. I do feel cut off from the outside world at times and one particular thought ''who am I? I dont feel like ME'' keeps popping up.

I dont think I have it BAD. Which is why I am trying to help myself. I have my sister who helps me alot with the agoraphobia part but I havent explained the other ''fog'' stuff to her. As my neck got better my perception did too but the thoughts and ''not me'' wierdness still linger. So that makes me anxious that maybe it will never go away.

I try to keep busy. Some days are better than others. Keeping busy helps but sometimes out of nowhere I find myself looking around wondering and this total preoccupation with my existance just falls on me.

I think the most annoying part is I dont know what is to blame. My husband used to do all sorts of drugs and he is just fine! Me who has never done anything and is rarely ever sick ends up with all this anxiety and wierness. Maybe I have too much time on my hands and get preoccupied with how I am feeling. I would just like to do things and actually enjoy them instead of being so preoccupied by the wierd feelings or lack of!

Im sorry this is so long. I am relieved that I found a place with people who go through simular things. I cant seem to find anything in my country. My husband knows up to an extent about my anxiety but he cant understand it because he sees we have no stress so he cant figure out what is up and why. I dont mention it I ''suffer'' in silence cause I look quite normal on the out. We did see a doctor who told me to take an antidepressant but I didnt. I dont even take asprin. I figured I did it once before and eventually I will ''forget'' again. Until then I hope to find a few tips here, other than trying just to ''survive'' the rest of my life and be a robot with no identity.

Thanks if you got this far! I will fight this. I am already alot better than I was a few days ago but I wish I could rememeber what NORMAL was!


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## freesong (Dec 26, 2005)

I am glad that you are here. You seem so nice and I am sorry that you have to suffer with this. The people I have met here have been very supportive. Hope you will find hope and helo while you are here. God bless, freesong


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