# Serious question about sex with many partners....



## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

From another post, but I really want some honest responses if possible:

OK, this is a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid question from an old fashioned hypochondriac who prefers monogamy but who is a very sexual person and have considered one night stands, yet doubt I will ever have them, and never have.

My "brief relationships" -- never one-nighters -- may involve some "intimacy" but not ... um intercourse.

Perhaps I am freaking out about this, but is anyone here who has so many partners worry about STDs? The men come to mind more than the women.

I have enough problems in my life. And perhaps I'm overly concerned with this, especially as I would always use a condom in a short-term relationship. Can someone be flat out honest with me about this? I DO NOT want an STD, especially something that could potentially damage a good future relationship, and one simply can't trust someone one just hops in a sack with.

I want rip-roaring, wonderful sex, with one man. A soulmate. And I don't like brief encounters. What's a girl to do? With a good many STDs, a condom isn't enough. And why would someone be honest with a one-night stand?

Please give serious responses. I really fret about this.

Sigh, 
D


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## walkingdead (Jan 28, 2006)

To be honest you cannot be sure about STD's at all with a one night stand or a 10 year marraige. I know. My wife cheated on me and gave me the stuff that causes cancer in women. Then she got pre-cancer and had to be mutilated and the doctor looked at me like I did it. I at that time still didn't know what was up but years later I found out and she admitted to me she had the "one-night stand" and eventually our marraige failed and I found out about many more "one-night stands". The best defense is to only have relationships with people you can trust and even then you can still get burned. Maybe masturbation is you only safe haven in todays scummy, lying, backstabbing society.


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## Guest (Jan 6, 2007)

Hello Dreamer, first of all? it isn?t a stupid question, it?s something which is bothering you? so you?re done the right thing and asked the question. I trusted my first girl friend who I gave my virginity to and I gained a STD from her (First time UNLUCKY! Lol)which I was shortly cured from? but as I said I trusted her? but it seemed the STD which we both had was hard to detect in a female because it gives you a discharge, a guy with a discharge = problem? so I knew something was wrong? any how by looking at this site: http://www.fda.gov/oashi/aids/condom.html it seems condoms are not 100% safe which I wasn?t aware about myself so you?ve helped me become safer myself, try giving that site a read, it may help you feel more comfortable.

Darren.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Appreciate this from both of you.

Yup, how does one date in this world? Sorry both of you had bad experiences.

Yes, I want a monogamous relationship. I want to have sex and to love someone. I want to date to find such a person (which is difficult enough for me as it is). And yet, true this is no guarantee of anything -- one can get burnt in a marriage. I've been very lucky.

Masturbation. Yup. What a miserable world.

Ah, this makes me sad. Responses appreciated. Please anyone else?

I sort of already knew the answer. And Darren thanks for the link.

Best,
D


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2007)

Dreamer said:


> I sort of already knew the answer.


Please allow more time for others to reply before you reinforce your believe of the answer, I've not been feeling to well so I could only help so much... I don't want you to be sad... *sigh*


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Date around, mess around, you only have one life!

I have been so incredibly god damned gratitude-list-inspiringly lucky in that I've had many one night stands and not gotten an STD (that I know of at least)

And you can't have guarantees with anybody. Not you not your spouse not your date not anyone. Often times people might have stuff they don't mention. Then again, hopefully if you are selecting a spouse you get to know them a good long while before exchanging vows. That would be the ideal I guess.

Honestly, a few one night stands and flings are fun, if you can leave it at that. You can do all sorts of fun erotic stuff without having intercourse, and maybe those experiences will give you some time to get back into the swing of things before you settle down with one man. Maybe a few dates, a few kisses, whatever. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, and you can have fun and physical contact without doing so. Birth control is an issue for me, so I carry a diaphragmWHEREVER I go because I'm paranoid like that. If pregnancy was all you were worried about, the diaphragm would be the best way to go because you get to feel EVERYTHING and have the protection of a condom.

Oh: warning, I'm only experienced on teh one night stand part of things, I'm not really experienced in REAL relationsips..not at all...the last 10 years have been a one night stand, well except for the last year or so of abstinence thank god.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Also, you can't live your life in TOTAL fear of STDs.

Most STDs are either a)curable or b)non-lethal. AIDS is the only one that will knock you down, and your chances of getting AIDS are akin with your chances of getting rarer forms of cancer, given that you just keep an eye out, get tested regularly, and use common (condom?) sense.

You can't just hide out in masturbation land for fear of a deadly disease. If you want a companion, for god sakes get out of the house (if possible) and take up a social hobby or volunteer or get involved in the community. It sounds like you're more curious about dating than just sex, so my advice would be to go out and meet people. And for every negative experience, there are a thousand positive (or at least neutral) experiences....it's kind of like the news...no one reports GOOD news, it wouldn't draw a crowd. Don't go by the news.

And if you aren't comfortable with sex yet, have you considered seeking out male friends? Friends are companions too. Some friends turn into intimate companions.

Good luck! It's not rocket science, it just takes a lot of trial and error. ANYone can meet a significant other...whether it is the right one for them, only time can tell. You won't know that beforehand.


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2007)

person3 said:


> Most STDs are either a)curable or b)non-lethal.


That's a good point to make =).


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

I also worry very much about STD's. I was afraid I had HIV before I had even kissed anyone. Anyway, I've had tested the three guys I've had sex with, or one of them gets tested regularly in his work, but anyway. And I've asked quite many times if they've cheated on me hence possibly giving me a disease, but of course I can't trust them 100 %. I've had some sort of sex excluding intercourse with one night stands in the past but I hope I won't in the future (but who knows, I don't trust myself drunk). Of course there are other STD's than hiv and I haven't been tested for all of them. But most of them can be cured, hiv and herpes would be the worst to catch.


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

I think condom's protect against all the big STD's. The ones that will kill you or arent curable atleast.

Herpes is an exception and this is one that scares the living shat out of me. Condom's dont protect against this i dont think and it cant be cured. It can only be controlled.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

comfortably numb said:


> I think condom's protect against all the big STD's. The ones that will kill you or arent curable atleast.
> 
> Herpes is an exception and this is one that scares the living shat out of me. Condom's dont protect against this i dont think and it cant be cured. It can only be controlled.


Yup, Herpes is the clincher for me. And apparently it causes more problems for women. I was reading the link that Darren gave. It cannot be cured can easily be spread, even with a condom as other areas, in that area, can be affected, and worse you don't have to be symptomatic to spread the damned thing.

I'm older, my salad days of being able to date, and yes, just kiss, or fool around are over. Days of longer relationships. My marriage failed due to LACK of intimcacy among other things -- not on my part.

I'm very sad and depressed right now. I plug along, but I don't feel any joy. A solid relationship has always helped.

And here's an interesting miserable tidbit, though I always go for "good condoms" LOL, is that "novelty" condoms and LAMBSKIN condoms give poor protection!

And Person 3, I know I can't live in total fear, yet I have a lot of obstacles to any relationship. Many more than just my emotional crap.

Miss Starling posted in the main forum we want love, we need love. Yes, from the love I've felt in the past, loving sex, it's all that's really given me some sense of peace and comfort.

I'm thinking I need to just date without thinking about sex right now. Do other intimate things if those things happen.

Again, I have been lucky in that no man has ever cheated on me in a relationship, but as the story goes, you sleep with everyone your partner has ever slept with. They may have made good choices themselves, yet it's like "Six Degrees of Separation" times 1,000.

I'm obsessed with this right now. And I shouldn't be. At least I know I'm not alone with these fears. It's easier to post than discuss this. But it obviously has to come up in relationship discussions.

HELL.
Thank you.
D


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Person 3, I think you mentioned that most STDs are no big deal. I'm beyond having a child, but certain diseases cause cervical cancer (as mentioned by walkingdead I think), the first episode of Herpes is like a horrible flu that in some cases can cause menningitis. It interferes with sexual activity the rest of your life. Also, babies born to mothers w/Herpes can have brain damage. A Cesarean is called for.

You also can't see infections inside a woman. And yes, papilloma (very common) for which we get PAP tests causes cervical cancer. Young girls are now getting vaccines. But they have to start young as they are experimenting earlier and earlier.

Yeah, that's the one that scares me the most.

What ticks me off is that I had a girlfriend years ago, EX-girlfriend (not because of this, but her overall ... meanness), who contracted Herpes from her boyfriend ... he'd been fooling around ... so, she gets it, and in retaliation doesn't tell any of her partners hence. If that is the mindset out there, and she's one example, I give up.

I guess, I'm older, been through the ringer, and find that in my age group one has to look harder simply for compatibility. As noted, I don't want to have yet another obstacle to finding a long term companion with whom I can make love. The real thing. I don't want to be the one to fumble through some sort of explanation

Yup, the more I've read, and actually knew is that condoms aren't even enough protection. And oral sex can cause problems as well for God's sake.

D


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Walkingdead, I called you widscreened somewhere and now can't find it. Sorry. :?


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Dreamer said:


> Person 3, I think you mentioned that most STDs are no big deal.


 All STD's are a big deal. Hell even the crab's is annoying though not really a big deal. Ive never had them (and thank god for that) but i have laughed at many people that have had them .

I live in a small place and STD's are pretty common here. Especially herpes and genital wart's which i think is another one that condom's dont really protect against that much. Atleast i think condom's dont protect against genital wart's that much but i could be wrong anyone know for sure?

So even if there where a fair number of women around that where available to me here instead of shag all id have to watch it. I dont want a incurable disease of any kind.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

> monogamy


Have you ever noticed that monogamy sounds suspiciously like 'monotomy' ?

I'm worried about STD's. Well, just about as I am worried about everything else - which except for my mental stability and my family, is bugger-all. If I made a list of things to potentially worry about, I'd die before finish the list. What a waste of life. Personally, I'm far more worried about the prospect of asteroids hitting the earth.


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## Revelation_old (Aug 9, 2004)

Martinelv said:


> Personally, I'm far more worried about the prospect of asteroids hitting the earth.


Why? All we need to do is send up Bruce Willis. Dead asteroid.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Good point well said.


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## Guest (Jan 9, 2007)




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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I have no shame in admitting that I suck at Rev's teat. He has graciously allowed me to be a Mod, and at the same time he has not yet reigned in my raging, bile ridden cursing.

Thus - I cower beneath his shadow. Ok? I like it. I was born to shudder.

Anyway, you have no idea what punishment he makes us endure for this grace and favour. I dread every Wednesday night. Oooh. If you could see the scars. Damn him.

Disclaimer#6576576: Etc.


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## Guest (Jan 9, 2007)

Laughs for about five mins?. Lol ? winner thanks for that come back? top man aware goes to ?Martinelv? *nods*


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Martin said:


> Have you ever noticed that monogamy sounds suspiciously like 'monotomy' ?


No.

And I'm "too old" to be of interest to men who are much younger and who are of no interest to me. I also don't have big enough boobies. I love mine, but they certainly wouldn't fit your bill.

God, I'm crabby. And with you Martin.
Forgive. But I'm still awfully depressed and crabby.

I can't give up hope I'll find a decent guy.

So you will have an open marriage? I have thought of that. But I really don't like that idea, either. But no man has ever cheated on me. I feel rather good about that.

No monogamy is not boring. IMHO. And I love sex.


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## Guest (Jan 9, 2007)

Dreamer said:


> I can't give up hope I'll find a decent guy.


One here =), Toy boy thought... I'd give you a discount thought.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Personally I don't see a problem with promiscuity as long as both parties know exactly what's going on. That way there's no broken expectations and no-one gets hurt.

As for the STD's, I reckon a condom is pretty safe and honestly the more you worry about it the higher your chances of catching one (But that's just me).


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Tell me please, if one wished to have a one night stand, what methods should one employ in order to attract a mate for the evening? What constitutes 'good game', as you yanks call it? If I am in a club or at a party I tend to go down the spluttering, legless _'I think you're bootiful but I need you to support at least 35% of my body weight or else I'll fall over'_ route which tends to do surprisingly ok till I try and perform a wrestling move on them and up on the floor with them underneath me. The trouble with me is I lack any sort of sincerity. Most women it seems actually want to have an ordinary conversation before you can jump in the sack with them, even if it is 4 o clock in the morning and you've had several gallons of beer, clearly the time for civilized discourse has long since passed.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Axel19 said:


> Tell me please, if one wished to have a one night stand, what methods should one employ in order to attract a mate for the evening? What constitutes 'good game', as you yanks call it? If I am in a club or at a party I tend to go down the spluttering, legless _'I think you're bootiful but I need you to support at least 35% of my body weight or else I'll fall over'_ route which tends to do surprisingly ok till I try and perform a wrestling move on them and up on the floor with them underneath me. The trouble with me is I lack any sort of sincerity. Most women it seems actually want to have an ordinary conversation before you can jump in the sack with them, even if it is 4 o clock in the morning and you've had several gallons of beer, clearly the time for civilized discourse has long since passed.


To be honest, I don't seek one night stands. I've been in situations where there was a neediness for my "date" and me to not be so lonely. I've actually not had sex at those times. But we have slept together, kissed, etc. Fooled around.

I really am not talking about one night. I guess I'm talking about, how long do I wait before it's right these days? I don't know. It seemed experimentation in college was a lot easier, and I always dated guys who were equally hesitant to move too quickly.

Cecil, personally a lot of people have STDs these days. And for me it is a concern, and I sadly have heard some things here I already figured I'd hear.

Axel, really the only "one night stands" I've had actually haven't involved sex -- fooling around the same night we've met, yes, but not sex/intercourse. Although, if there is attraction, suddenly seeing the person again or talking with the person again, I want to have sex, and I really don't know the person. That has gotten me into emotional misery a few times. But I wanted the intimacy so much -- I immediately starting making the person (in my mind) "the right guy" when he wasn't. I do also worry about STDs as so many people lie about them, when there is nothing long term at stake or someone simply wants "a quick fix."

I guess I wasn't clear. Just frustrating is all.

D


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Dreamer,

I can totally relate to your fears of STDs, especially AIDS. I think I mentioned this to you before, but I'll repeat it anyway. For the longest time, until I was about 26, I didn't have any HIV tests done. I figured that I must have caught something over the past 26 years. That it was almost certain that I had. So, after worrying myself into a frenzy for about a year, I mustered up the strength to get the tests (actually, as a humourous aside, I almost scored a date with the woman taking my blood, if you can believe that. It was so inappropriate, I just couldn't resist asking. "Say...if everything turns out all right here, you feel like going for dinner in 4-6 weeks?")

Anyway, I was so fearful those 4-6 weeks, cringing everytime the phone rang, thinking it could be the doctor to say: "Hey there! Could you swing by the office on your way back from work tomorrow? I have the results of your blood tests and just want to tell you how f---ed you are now." Eventually, after two months, I started to relax, and assumed all was well. And as it turned out, it was.

But then, a few years later, after a month-long drink and drug fueled binge of hedonism in Thailand, I started to get worried again. Especially when I, after the fact, like a moron, read about the preponderance of AIDS among Thai women. Some idiot even posted on one of those ESL websites that the rate was something like 50% in some areas. That figure was certainly inflated but it was enough to make me ferociously anxious for the first two months when I arrived back in Canada. I had mostly slept with other travellers, but there were a few Thai women thrown into the mix, and one was actually...<ahem>...a "working girl". Thank God with her I was very careful with protection and what not. But with the others. Those wacky Europeans and this one Thai girl who had quite clearly "been around". With them I was not so careful. And God, did I ever fret. If I so much as sneezed during those two months when I arrived back, I almost catapulted immediately into a near-catatonic state of worry that I had contracted something.

But thankfully...and I am thankful for this...all seems well. Anyway, I do try to be careful now. Sometimes I'm too careful and it spoils the mood and what not. And sometimes I allow myself to get carried away with passion and throw caution to the wind. They're always impulsive judgement calls.

See...I believe that God watches out for me. I know that sounds silly, but I do believe it. But at the same time, I don't want to push my luck.

Dreamer, I think you should find a happy median somewhere between where you're at now and where say, Person 3 is at. Be careful...but not too careful. She's right. Life is too short. By the same token though, if I'm being honest with myself, the best sex truly is with someone you care about. It usually gets better the more you know the person (until you know them too well), and the best sex I've had has definitely been with girlfriends of mine. So, I would play the field a little. Just don't put out on the first date. 

s.

p.s. It should also be noted that HIV isn't a death sentence anymore. Not if you can afford the drugs anyway. That's not to say that it's something that anyone would want to get, and of course everyone should be responsible, but if the worse really did come to worse (is that the right expression? sounds weird), you could still carry on with your life.


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

What, where do you get the hiv test results back in 4-6 weeks? Here it takes 2-3 months, as they say that only after that period you can spot if you've got the virus. I've actually started to worry again about hiv, thinking what if my current partner has lied to me about his social life. So I'll probably get myself tested again..and wait 2 or three months before having sex again. I may be crazy.

e: and what I mean is that there's no point getting tested before it's been two months since the last contact..


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Thanks again folks. Sebastian, the AIDS story, LOL. In the 1980s when we all suddenly got a brochure in the mail from the surgeon general, all of us gal pals were absolutely petrified we all had AIDS, even if we had, had but a few boyfriends, used every means of birth control possible including condoms.

I went to the Red Cross and donated blood! They screen for everything and at that time in that place began screening for AIDS. I also jumped every single time the phone rang. But as I understand it, it's true per maria, as I understand it, one can test negative for HIV and it's still incubating -- you need to wait more than a few weeks, unless you have already suspect you've been infected or someone tells you they have it -- after the fact.

Also, if you go to a doctor, it isn't anonymous ... unless you pay cash, and if you want treatment you have to report it to the insurance company. There goes your life savings, and possibly your life.

What does surprise me, and perhaps I'm from that "apathetic generation" in the late '70s and '80s, and am too much a goody two-shoes and also too messed up to have had so many partners. I'm very surprised.

I've had dates, just dating with nothing more than kissing. I've had several long term boyfriends and I am separated, but in terms of partners over my 48 years I have had far fewer partners than have been mentioned here.

And again, when I was in high school sex was still "a big deal". And at university, probably because of the gang I hung with.

Sigh, here I am again, "old" ... and see oddly enough, I am more "functional" emotionally, enjoy sex more at this age, am much more comfortable with sex, and have no long-term partner to enjoy it with.

Sigh.

And Sebastian you scare the Hell out of me. I understand you have Faith, but it does scare me that you leave this to God looking after you. *NO I AM NOT STARTING A RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION HERE.* Sleeping with a real "lady o' the evening" in Thailand ... that surprises me.

I agree, this isn't something to fret over though. First I go out. And I don't jump into bed the first time. EVER. One step at a time.

My biggest fear? Being alone, and the years I lost, not having a solid marriage, and having a child or two. Nowadays that's what makes me most angry about my anxiety and crap.

Oh HELL. So is life. I can't get me to a nunnery, LOL.

I'm less afraid of AIDS though again than I am of herpes. But I must say, one of my all time favorite books was by Randy Schilts sp? (may he rest in peace!  ) "And The Band Played On" about the early years of the AIDS epidemic. Published 1987; he died, of AIDS. Yes he was gay, but I always think of "Patient Zero" Gaeton Dugas, the airline flight attendent who spanned the globe apparently having sex, out of retaliation, with in theory ... don't know how this is possible but hundreds upon hundreds of unsuspecting men.

Yes, God help us all.

I can't worry about this. I want a long term partner, and will proceed in such a manner. I hate dating however.

Best,
D


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Dreamer said:


> Sigh, here I am again, "old" ... and see oddly enough, I am more "functional" emotionally, enjoy sex more at this age, am much more comfortable with sex, and have no long-term partner to enjoy it with.


Apart from the functional bit I know what you mean....it's silly really, just because I don't look like an undergrad anymore, but I suppose that matters to men of my own age.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

maria said:


> What, where do you get the hiv test results back in 4-6 weeks? Here it takes 2-3 months, as they say that only after that period you can spot if you've got the virus.


Well, this was my first test and so was testing for everything up to that point. I hadn't had any unprotected or risky sex within the past few months. I was more just getting a test retroactively to see if I had contracted anything over the past decade.



dreamer said:


> And Sebastian you scare the Hell out of me. I understand you have Faith, but it does scare me that you leave this to God looking after you. NO I AM NOT STARTING A RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION HERE. Sleeping with a real "lady o' the evening" in Thailand ... that surprises me


Well..that was a one time thing. It's the only time I'd ever been with a prostitute and I'm certainly not proud of it. It's tough too because I didn't go out to "hook up" with a hooker that night. It was my last night in Phuket and I had long since parted with friends I had met along the way. I was drunk, caromming from bar to bar and there are extremely attractive Thai women throwing themselves at you. I won't say that I didn't know she was a prostitute when she approached me, but my defences were pretty low at that point. Like I said, not proud of it.

And well...you know, it isn't that I go through life walking out blindly in front of traffic, hop-scotching through mine-fields, and scuba diving into nuclear waste. I use my head and reason most of the time. I just always feel like I have God as a safety net. I realize that it might be a little dangerous to assume that I'll always be okay no matter what because I'm one of the chosen ones or something (I do hope you know that was a kind of joke). But I do feel it and while I continue to worry about ridiculous things regardless of this feeling, it does give me a lot of comfort at times.

By the way...I've been posting a lot of spiritually focussed material lately. I haven't gone off of some deep end or something. It just so happens that I'm being more candid with my spirituality lately. So I hope you don't take it as me being pretentious or holier-than-thou or anything like that. It isn't like I've suddenly "seen the light" and have become a different person. I still have many doubts and anxieties over innumerable things. The only thing I can say with any confidence is that if I really search my feelings, I truly do feel "not alone" in a very real way. I should probably be more careful of what I say on here about that as I can see how it would come off as flakey. And really, it's just a very personal thing. Anyway...that's enough of that.

As far as the sex...well, I'm no bed-hopper or anything like that. When I have a girlfriend, I'm very monogomous. There were only two periods of my life where my philandering reached a dangerous level...and that would be in my first couple of years of University and when I went to Asia for a year. Other than that, I'm a one-woman kind of guy and prefer it that way. I mean, I like sex. That much is true. And if I could have more of it, I'd be delighted. But it isn't always easy and when I'm with a girlfriend, I wouldn't want it any other way.

s.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

> By the way...I've been posting a lot of spiritually focussed material lately. I haven't gone off of some deep end or something. It just so happens that I'm being more candid with my spirituality lately. So I hope you don't take it as me being pretentious or holier-than-thou or anything like that. It isn't like I've suddenly "seen the light" and have become a different person. I still have many doubts and anxieties over innumerable things. The only thing I can say with any confidence is that if I really search my feelings, I truly do feel "not alone" in a very real way. I should probably be more careful of what I say on here about that as I can see how it would come off as flakey. And really, it's just a very personal thing. Anyway...that's enough of that


Seb, appreciate what you have to say. I don't think you've "gone off the deep end." Good God man. I guess what I initially read suprised me. And now I'm reminded that I DO "feel alone" and I wish I didn't. And yes it is a very personal thing.

As noted, I am an agnostic, not an atheist.

And yup, for me a loving peaceful monogamous relationship is all I'm looking for.

Cheers,
D


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

And I mean "feel alone" in a spiritual way.


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

I just read information about herpes which I didn't know that much about and now I'm pretty worried.

So there are two herpes virus types, normally the other appears on the lips (mouth etc) and the other on the genitals, but they can mix, so that you can get genital herpes from someone who has lip herpes. The internet sources say you can get the virus also when the person doesn't have symptoms and most people don't know they're carrying the virus. Depending on the source, about 25 % of people have genital herpes and 90 % have lip herpes virus in their body, and since you can get herpes from a person carrying the virus also when they don't have any symptoms, doesn't that mean that anyone you perform oral sex with is likely to give you herpes on the genitals? You can get a blood test which shows if you carry either or both of the virus types, but the test doesn't tell whether you have the virus on the mucous membrane of your lips or of your genitals. So you can never be sure if your partner will give you genital herpes even if he/she is tested, because the test doesn't give enough information. What should one think about this? I've had oral sex with many people, so aren't I likely to have the genital herpes virus even though I haven't had symptoms? (My friend has genital herpes and she hasn't told her boyfriend of six or so months, since she had symptoms only one time. Probably many other people think like this.)


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## Guest (Jan 21, 2007)

Maria: the herpes on the lips can be mistaken for "Fordyce's condition"



> Symptoms of Fordyces Condition
> Fordyces Condition tiny yellow dots in groups and sometimes in sheets on the lips. There is no correlation between Fordyce's Condition and systemic conditions
> 
> The cause is unknown.
> No treatment is necessary.


I assumed I mite have had herpes due to this Fordyce's condition, and it caused me a lot of panic, so i want to make you and others aware so you don't have to go through what i did.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

maria said:


> I just read information about herpes which I didn't know that much about and now I'm pretty worried.
> 
> So there are two herpes virus types, normally the other appears on the lips (mouth etc) and the other on the genitals, but they can mix, so that you can get genital herpes from someone who has lip herpes. The internet sources say you can get the virus also when the person doesn't have symptoms and most people don't know they're carrying the virus. Depending on the source, about 25 % of people have genital herpes and 90 % have lip herpes virus in their body, and since you can get herpes from a person carrying the virus also when they don't have any symptoms, doesn't that mean that anyone you perform oral sex with is likely to give you herpes on the genitals? You can get a blood test which shows if you carry either or both of the virus types, but the test doesn't tell whether you have the virus on the mucous membrane of your lips or of your genitals. So you can never be sure if your partner will give you genital herpes even if he/she is tested, because the test doesn't give enough information. What should one think about this? I've had oral sex with many people, so aren't I likely to have the genital herpes virus even though I haven't had symptoms? (My friend has genital herpes and she hasn't told her boyfriend of six or so months, since she had symptoms only one time. Probably many other people think like this.)


Maria,
I think you have some of the confusion sorted out. It is indeed confusion, that's for certain.



> (My friend has genital herpes and she hasn't told her boyfriend of six or so months, since she had symptoms only one time. Probably many other people think like this.)


This is also my concern, and as I mentioned somewhere else, I had a girlfriend back in the 1980s who purposely didn't tell her partners she had herpes so she could retaliate against her boyfriend who gave it to her (and he probably he didnn't know he had it). But to take it to the next level like that is disturbing. That was the end of our friendship. She was already a rather spiteful person to begin with. The herpes business wasn't the only reason -- but I certainly lost a lot of respect for her as she knew exactly what she was doing.

As I understand it, your girlfriend could trasmit herpes to many unsuspectng partners without their knowing it.

Also, I get VERY confused about the oral kind vs. the genital kind. I don't think you have to worry as much, but the information is so damned confusing.

I believe that the best way to test it and truly confirm it is during an outbreak when a swab is taken from a sore.

Also you said you haven't had any symptoms. I think that's a good thing. As I understand it, especially for women, the first outbreak is pretty obvious and includes flu-like symptoms, etc. This can last up to two weeks and includes obvious sores. Some people have very frequent outbreaks, others don't.

As noted, it is worse for women as it can cause all sorts of problems including cervical cancer and infertility, and a woman with herpes should give birth by Cesarean as a baby can become seriously ill if exposed to the virus during a vaginal birth.

I think the best thing is to sit down with a doctor and discuss all of these concerns.

I know, some of us here -- I include myself -- worry about things and getting the facts straight gives us some control.

These days, I don't give a hoot about sex. And sadly, it's sort of a "use it or lose it" thing. And a relationship is what gets me going, not a fantasy of some sort.

I agree, many are not informed, and I'm startled by some of the new things I've read about.

Take Care,
D


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