# How I feel.



## AzayX (May 9, 2010)

Today was the first time I'd heard about depersonalization as a condition, in a mental health context. I've skimmed over some of the other stories here on the board and will read more in time. For now, I want to just get out how I'm feeling at this moment, avoiding as much outside influence as possible.

I'm a 28 year old male. I always think of myself as being 29 or 30 though. I think I'm oriented in the future to an extent, acutely aware at some level of time running out. Sometimes the first thought I'm conscious of on waking is that I'm dying. (as we all are, I have no urgent health issues)
Rather than this spurring me on to do or achieve something better than my present condition, I feel paralyzed.

I've recently been made redundant from my job which was as a cellphone, mobile broadband, systems troubleshooting rep (phone based) I'm glad. I hated the work I was doing. I felt great affection for many of my colleges, but wasn't really able to show it. On the phone talking to people it was like I simply was not there, speaking to guide the customer to reach their desired result if possible, being exceedingly calm and friendly, but completely indifferent to people's praise or blame, satisfaction or anger. I would have moved on myself but I wanted the pay out. More worrying is that I had/have no Idea what would make me happier.

I'm not worried about getting new work. I've got plenty of experience and can sell myself as an employee. Despite my dissatisfaction with everything I do, I'm well regarded wherever I work. Reliable, often praised, good at what I do. But beneath my exterior I've this feeling of utter despair, and emptiness. I'll get another job, continue to sustain myself, but I can't even conceive of what it'd be like to be satisfied with my work. Most likely because I can't conceive of being satisfied with myself. Whatever I do feels empty because I feel empty. I feel so weak and intrinsically flawed that every part of my interaction with anyone is predicated on me putting up and holding up a false front, stronger than I actually am. I'm a liar.

I used to cut myself a lot when I was younger. I'm covered in scars. I'd always do it in places that no one would see. Even now no one knows about it. I never really choose to stop doing it. The urge just dropped away. I haven't felt like doing it for a long time. There's just no point

I used to think of my self as such a little rebel. Lately It's like I'm happy to become a number. Some portion of myself has been ultimately defeated.

I've been a constant drinker and pot smoker for about a decade as well as occasionally using MDMA, LSD, coke, morphine, nitrous. I'm really lucky that my brain and body aren't totally wrecked. I've dropped the pot, instead of drinking daily now I only drink at concerts and social events. I don't go out much. I'm hoping someday I'll feel more alive somehow and I'll be pleased I stopped. At the moment it's more like a simple calculation of much longer I could have gone on without causing serious physical pain from bodily degeneration and mental degeneration to the point of dignity loss. Pain I could cope with, but I won't be living like a junky, screaming shit out on the street, talking to myself in public, loosing control. I'd take myself out first. I've always been a functioning addict. The functioning is non-negotiable. I owe my parents more than that.

I don't connect to people like I think I used to. When there's a purpose for me to be there, talking to someone in a shop, talking to someone through work, negotiating with someone I do fine to really well. I can communicate clearly, even to the point of being "good to talk to" so I'm told. But if I try to socialize, just *be* with other people, hang out, there's NOTHING. It's like I have no personality. I have traveled a fair bit around New Zealand (my home country) I now live in Australia. I've worked different jobs. I have a wide ranging taste in music, books, especially films. But out of all this I can't seem to patch together an opinion that I have any faith in, or that I feel is worth anyone else hearing. I can feel my thoughts moving but I simply have nothing to say.

I've drifted out of touch with my old friends and just haven't made new ones. There are a lot of people I'm friendly with but there's something missing inside me that would make me their friend. Just empty. I make a point of doing favors for people I like, passing things on to them trying to show some sort of affection but it's really just me trying to compensate for the fact that I'm no good at just *being there*. Everyone seems to move through life, just fine, they have there joys and sorrows, my presence is totally unrequired.

I look at people and they say the most trivial things and everybody laughs and is entertained. I try and follow suite and it's like my words just fall flat.

I look out onto the world, more specifically people,its like I'm behind a 6 inch panel of bulletproof glass. Sometimes I try to be warmer or more excited to compensate, it just comes off lame.

And I'm so angry, with everyone, I can't think of a single person in my life I haven't felt some kind of rage towards, not one. The thing is I know that these feelings are not fair, or with any basis like 95% of the time. Seriously, if someone is walking to close to me there's this rage and resistance to them. I feel like everyone wants to crawl inside me. I know this is just a symptom of some kind. I make sure it doesn't show. When I'm actually with someone I seem to endeavor to treat them fairly and with a level of respect. I must be angry with myself and I've thought so many possible permutations of why but I cant seem to let it go in a lasting way. I'm holding back all this anger. Screaming doesn't release it, punching bags don't release it. How can I see myself as an ok person with all this hate? And even if I know it's not real how can I hope for anyone to love me, or how can I honestly say that I love anyone at all if all this is inside and will be directed at them at some stage, even if, especially if, they never see it?

Unsurprisingly this translates into my intimate relationships in so far as I DON'T HAVE THEM. I'm not hideous to look at, even if i was, coupling doesn't depend on that. I see people matching up for contact with others, like natural pairings, all different "types" of people attracted to each other. I can't separate the ideas of love and pain at this point. Can't see anything I'd be able to offer a woman, being all hollowed out inside myself. I feel like a pervert when I'm physically attracted to someone because I cant imagine them returning that urge. She is a warm human, I am a lump a reptile. Slowly I've become less and less responsive to the idea of sex, it seems like something people on another planet do. Part of me is like it's preparing to never touch or be touched again.

The way i feel right now is like a cumulation of so many mistakes. I feel like I'm being punished. I feel like I deserve it.

So that was long and miserable huh? 
I abide for now, it's what I do. I hope that if I work, search inside myself that I'll be able to somehow release myself someday. That the layers of bone around my heart will drop away. That i can be warm again. That the next time I'm around people or maybe the time after that I'll look to find myself completely present. I have positive aspects and moments of near peace and optimism. I don't often feel in touch with other people but sometimes I feel more in touch with some greater continuity.

I do ok and move forward. I kind of hope being here will give me a place to be honest about some of the things I find hard to face. Writing this was pretty much about that. Getting some of my darkest thoughts and fears off my chest some. Thanks for letting me indulge myself.

p.s If anyone wants PM and talk about anything it's totally welcome.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

AzayX said:


> Today was the first time I'd heard about depersonalization as a condition, in a mental health context. I've skimmed over some of the other stories here on the board and will read more in time. For now, I want to just get out how I'm feeling at this moment, avoiding as much outside influence as possible.
> 
> I'm a 28 year old male. I always think of myself as being 29 or 30 though. I think I'm oriented in the future to an extent, acutely aware at some level of time running out. Sometimes the first thought I'm conscious of on waking is that I'm dying. (as we all are, I have no urgent health issues)
> Rather than this spurring me on to do or achieve something better than my present condition, I feel paralyzed.
> ...


I'm really sorry that you feel that bad and depressed. There's a part of your text where you mention that other people just seem to move on, and they don't require you to do so, like it's the same as if you just weren't here. If you meant that, I can totally relate as that was part of what caused my DP/DR (along with some school crap) , but this leads me to ask something which is, do you have any symptoms of DP/DR (Depersonalization/Derealization)?

I suppose you have looked up the symptoms but incase you haven't, do you feel "unreal"? As if you're watching your life as a movie, or in what my oppinion is worse, do you feel like your life is sort of a "lie", that nothing is what it seems and that takes you to think you're living in a constant dream, which you desperately wish to wake up from? Constantly asking yourself if things around you are real and asking yourself such questions as "How do we function? How does the universe work?" ?


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## AzayX (May 9, 2010)

ThisCantBeHappening said:


> I'm really sorry that you feel that bad and depressed. There's a part of your text where you mention that other people just seem to move on, and they don't require you to do so, like it's the same as if you just weren't here. If you meant that, I can totally relate as that was part of what caused my DP/DR (along with some school crap) , but this leads me to ask something which is, do you have any symptoms of DP/DR (Depersonalization/Derealization)?
> 
> I suppose you have looked up the symptoms but incase you haven't, do you feel "unreal"? As if you're watching your life as a movie, or in what my oppinion is worse, do you feel like your life is sort of a "lie", that nothing is what it seems and that takes you to think you're living in a constant dream, which you desperately wish to wake up from? Constantly asking yourself if things around you are real and asking yourself such questions as "How do we function? How does the universe work?" ?


t

Hi, thanks for replying.
I do mean what I said. It's like life moves around me, without me being in it. My friends form partnerships and marry and and have kids. I watch my workmates pair up and seem so happy. And some part of me that would be there for making those kind of connections is just missing.

As far as symptoms go, I might. I got a feeling that this group was appropriate to me and just started writing. I think I even posted in the wrong place. I want to, maybe ask before I look to deeply into it? I'm afraid I might try to match the list. Maybe this is DP/DR I don't know. These are perhaps some symptoms:

I feel guilty when things happen and I KNOW I am not responsible. eg, someone steals something from someone's desk at work. I feel nervous, guilty and I wonder weather I could have done it and erased it from my own memory. The person who had the item "stolen" discovers they had left it at home.

I feel like there is another "more real" layer to reality and that I'm just not seeing it. Like something out of gnosticism or a Phillip K Dick story. I feel like a failure because I cant see or understand this layer.

I cant trust my own impressions of things as my point of view is so limited and subject to change. I feel like what I see is so naturally flawed as to make my judgments virtually useless for anything other than basic survival (moving car get out the way)

I mistrust my own motivations, and fear something destructive will take me over and use me to fuck things up then exit out of me again and leave "ME" with the damage.

Whenever I have a feeling or emotion part of me chimes in with an exact opposite. I think about destroying objects that I like. I'm convinced that people who've rejected me really are better than me.

I'm not even on my on my own side in an argument.

I sometimes sleep for 12-18 hours straight. Feeling my dream world is more real than my waking one.

I feel like there was someone else I was meant to be and I fell short of that path and am now no-one.

I question whether I am a "real" person as I don't seem to be on the same "wavelength" as others.

When I was a teenager I used to think I was a kind of alien human hybrid because i felt so separate from my family and friends.

I worry that the barriers between life and death could just dissolve. Or the rules of the universe change.

I think about "the world" ending somehow, that everyone will be "together" except for me somehow locked apart from everyone.

I avoid talking to people like the plague when I can't control the direction of conversation or misdirect or escape. I'm afraid people will look into me and hate what they see. And that I'll deserve it.

I feel like I'm a bad person deep inside. Ive made mistakes but I'm not a thug or a bully or a rapist or a thief. I don't intentionally hurt people I try to make my parents proud and handle my responsibilities. I accept responsibility for the mistakes I've made but I've a mistrust of myself and guilt that I think is disproportionate to my actual history.

I leave the house just because I feel I should leave the house. I avoid contact with people and get really anxious when I realize that there's nowhere I want to be. There's nowhere to go.

Everything I do is a distraction. I always need to be watching a DVD or on the internet or reading or just pacing anything to stop myself from thinking. But I'm always thinking, anything to stop me from imploding. I tell myself I want to write or draw but I just stare at a blank page then give up, I've got nothing.

I'm afraid my energy runs in a reverse direction and I'm actually a human black hole.

I feel like I'm just a shell, and I could be imprinted as another person and that would be just as good if not better. Like those stories about people who have other spirits "walk in" and carry on living. I wish something better would walk into me and just live my life better than I've been doing. I wish I could be reprogrammed in a lab somewhere.

My own name seems strange to me.

I zone out a lot.

I don't seem to feel much enthusiasm for anything. I choose to do things, but theres like split levels one level is compelling me to do it and the other is coloring it grey at the same time.

I question whether the world I see around me is an act or a deception of some sort. I sympathize with creationists. What if the universe I perceive myself to be part of was created 7 minutes ago and all my memories before that time are false?

Yeah, I do wish I could wake up. I'm afraid of it too. I'm afraid of infinite folding parallel universes with nameless horrors swimming in the spaces between. I'm more afraid that there's just me burned out, losing touch, living the rest of my time here all dried up and dead inside.

Is that DP/DR?

Wow, seems like i'm incapable of brevity today. I'm just spilling. Thanks for letting me indulge myself again.


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## jeffd (Apr 15, 2010)

" sometimes sleep for 12-18 hours straight. Feeling my dream world is more real than my waking one.
I question whether I am a "real" person as I don't seem to be on the same "wavelength" as others.
When I was a teenager I used to think I was a kind of alien human hybrid because i felt so separate from my family and friends."

i have the same thing with dreams. they feel more real than i do when im awake and moving around... what triggered my dp was depression and then weed one night. but ya, pretty much everything you described i can relate to really closely. still depressed but seeing a counselor has helped a bit. i keep getting told that if u get rid of the underlying cause then itll go away. idk tho... anyway, point is i relate to u and your not alone. good to know im not either.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

AzayX said:


> t
> 
> Hi, thanks for replying.
> I do mean what I said. It's like life moves around me, without me being in it. My friends form partnerships and marry and and have kids. I watch my workmates pair up and seem so happy. And some part of me that would be there for making those kind of connections is just missing.
> ...


Well it does look like you're showing symptoms of DP/DR, and the cause seems to be depression. Don't be scared though, as you may know already it is a real pain and a lot of suffering but it's not something that lasts forever (unless you want it to) , also remember you are not alone.


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## AzayX (May 9, 2010)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Well it does look like you're showing symptoms of DP/DR, and the cause seems to be depression. Don't be scared though, as you may know already it is a real pain and a lot of suffering but it's not something that lasts forever (unless you want it to) , also remember you are not alone.


Thanks, 
Its actually kind of a relief to learn about DP/DR I'd considered my self depressed for a while but it felt like there was something else going on with me that I didn't understand. It was like I was beyond depressed and how was that even possible? I'm more confidant that improvements can be made now that I know what that other factor in my mind is. 
I really appreciate your response mate, its good to not feel so alone with this.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

AzayX said:


> Thanks,
> Its actually kind of a relief to learn about DP/DR I'd considered my self depressed for a while but it felt like there was something else going on with me that I didn't understand. It was like I was beyond depressed and how was that even possible? I'm more confidant that improvements can be made now that I know what that other factor in my mind is.
> I really appreciate your response mate, its good to not feel so alone with this.


Yep, the greatest relief there is is to know we aren't alone, and that's not just in what comes to this kind of stuff.

Anyways, sadly, it is possible to have something beyond depression. I first started with anxiety, later on depression, now DP. Usually DP is never alone, anxiety and depression are often there as well so that DP doesn't feel lonely. But don't worry, in what comes to recovery it doesn't matter what you have, it's always possible, and that's what keeps me going!


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## Meep (May 14, 2010)

I was interested in the similarities - and differences - between your experiences and my own . . .

In my case, a long spell of no sleep triggered a crisis, sending me to the doctor, then to a therapist. It didn't take many sessions to realise that I had been ignoring the effect of childhood trauma ever since I was 10. Ever since then, I've had lots of difficulties with concentrating, socialising - all about avoiding things, but at the same time thinking that I had some good reason to be a bit eccentric - and in many ways enjoying the reputation. In therapy, I realised, and acknowledged, both the cause of the problems - and then the shocking realisation that all these many problems all led back directly to the one incident. Already exhausted by lack of sleep, I realised that much of my life has been based on false assumptions, that I can scarcely trust my own thoughts any more. I have lost most emotions - which in fact have been mostly suppressed for a very long time. Until a couple of years ago I was hyper-active (being happy was being busy), now I am feeling like a zombie. I don't feel depressed particularly, merely deadened. I don't feel suicidal, but just wish to be removed kindly from where I am now. To some extent I find the condition 'intriguing', but it is no fun to be unable to get out of it.


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## AzayX (May 9, 2010)

Meep said:


> I was interested in the similarities - and differences - between your experiences and my own . . .
> 
> In my case, a long spell of no sleep triggered a crisis, sending me to the doctor, then to a therapist. It didn't take many sessions to realise that I had been ignoring the effect of childhood trauma ever since I was 10. Ever since then, I've had lots of difficulties with concentrating, socialising - all about avoiding things, but at the same time thinking that I had some good reason to be a bit eccentric - and in many ways enjoying the reputation. In therapy, I realised, and acknowledged, both the cause of the problems - and then the shocking realisation that all these many problems all led back directly to the one incident. Already exhausted by lack of sleep, I realised that much of my life has been based on false assumptions, that I can scarcely trust my own thoughts any more. I have lost most emotions - which in fact have been mostly suppressed for a very long time. Until a couple of years ago I was hyper-active (being happy was being busy), now I am feeling like a zombie. I don't feel depressed particularly, merely deadened. I don't feel suicidal, but just wish to be removed kindly from where I am now. To some extent I find the condition 'intriguing', but it is no fun to be unable to get out of it.


Long periods with no sleep can be a trigger for really difficult stages for me too.

Seems like you've managed to hone in on the root cause/major factors leading to the condition of depersonalization manifesting in you. I admire that you've pursued therapy, I'm so afraid of that.

It certainly sucks not being able to trust your thoughts, that I can certainly understand. It's interesting that you described the condition as 'intriguing' I have felt like that too.

In my own case its like I've kind of allowed a numbness this deep into myself. Like I made a bad deal with part of myself to protect me from further pain. I've got problems with responsibility vs guilt. I should have moved to stop this overtaking me sooner, but I just wanted to stop hurting and being afraid. I guess I was dealing with things the best I knew how at the time.

It's good you're here, I think anyhow. I noticed some sort or relief after writing those long posts at the beginning of the thread. Everybody replying has been genuinely helpful and relate-able. It has made a difference.

I know I'm going to be around here more as I try to figure things out. If you need to PM & vent or whatever.

All my best wishes for getting out of this thing and feeling something better.


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## Meep (May 14, 2010)

In my own case its like I've kind of allowed a numbness this deep into myself. Like I made a bad deal with part of myself to protect me from further pain. I've got problems with responsibility vs guilt. I should have moved to stop this overtaking me sooner, but I just wanted to stop hurting and being afraid. I guess I was dealing with things the best I knew how at the time.

Yes, it's really good to have found this site, and to be able to talk to people who know what's going on!

I started going to a therapist when I found I just couldn't really take part in a conversation any more and didn't want to see anyone. It took only a couple of sessions to accept that an event way back had been directly responsible for anxiety-based responses ever since, which have come out in all sorts of different ways.

I said to the therapist at the first session, I don't understand it, I feel a sense of fear of meeting other people, but I don't feel I've done anything 'wrong' to feel guilty about. In fact I don't feel I've ever done anything that I feel guilty about - so I relate to what you're saying about responsibility vs guilt.

After acknowledging the cause of it all, I think I am still adjusting to what it means, and to take account of how over 30 years have passed since in which I had no way to understand why I seemed 'eccentric' in my decision-making and choices. The realisation is a huge shock, as it seems that I/my mind has been playing a game with me (or making a bad deal with myself, in your excellent words).

I don't know really if further visits to the therapist have been useful, though I look forward to them, because it seems just a relief to be with someone who I know won't get angry with me, and it is a relaxing session.

It seems, reading some of the posts, that there are very many different ways of experiencing DP, and presumably very many types of unhappy events or combinations of events that store up such experiences in different people. Yes, I do find it 'intriguing' because I have never before experienced either sleep deprivation, such extreme mental incapacity, or deep anxiety. I simply never 'felt' it before, even though my responses to people and events were unwittingly directed by it.


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