# Post recovery take 2



## rushdy (Sep 24, 2011)

Hello fellow Dpers!

Some of you might have seen me here last year. I wrote a post a couple of months ago about my post recovery. In a few months, I will be celebrating one year since i got DP. Yes, celebrating. I do understand that such a term will provoke many of you but i want to inform you all that i will not change my attitude on what happened to me for the reasons below:

As time goes by, you start forgetting how you used to think and why those thinking patterns whether the existential loops or the the Obsessive thoughts used to matter. I don't forget the day I got DP with all the shakiness and fear and anxiety from a variable that was invisible. I dont think such a memory will ever fade.

I recovered by ... i have no idea! it didnt happen over night.. it was very gradual! I went to the gym, went overseas for 6 months on a job contract, came back home, dating the love of my life, started my own business (www.rushdydesign.com) and got involved in a lot of community services. I went to CBT for 3 weeks but that didn't help much to be honest (For other, it was a major boost to recovery)

Listen, all i want to say is i am here, i am fine, i am not back to normal, i am a new person that is much more ... mature and calm and wise.

I am sorry this post is not what you are expecting but to be honest, i forget what i used to expect from people when they posted on DP. All i remember is that i wanted to believe that this is not how my life is going to be forever. I guess now that i know it, i fail to find the right words to describe it.

Please, if you have any questions or just want to talk, please do e-mail me at [email protected] .. I am great listener.

I am really trying to help and give back but i am not sure how so i just want to offer my time for any of your inquiries.

I love you guys! And it will be over! just let it take its toll. It has a mission, the more you focus about its existence rather than the message it is sending, it will delay the process.


** Edit **

Today is the 24th of November 2021. 9 years after this post. Still stand by this post. CP was something I went through, and it made me grow, and I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am so grateful I had it even though I'd still not wish it on my worst enemy because when I had it, I didn't understand it. But i am living proof that it does go away and helps you evolve. 

Married now with 2 beautiful daughters.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Hey there I like ur post ... can u explain the symptoms you suffered from
.... And how recovery came about ... Stages etc ... I have come along but I am currently suffering from severe existential angst .... I wonder why I am here who I am and what is life .. It terrifies me .. I never thought of these things before anxiety and depression xxx


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

Thats great man







did ur dr increase alot before recovery


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## rushdy (Sep 24, 2011)

katiej said:


> Hey there I like ur post ... can u explain the symptoms you suffered from
> .... And how recovery came about ... Stages etc ... I have come along but I am currently suffering from severe existential angst .... I wonder why I am here who I am and what is life .. It terrifies me .. I never thought of these things before anxiety and depression xxx


Katie, that was my whole experience of DP.. The Existential Angst! You know whats funny though, when you are happy, you go like "Why am i stressing about who i am and what i am here and fuck, i am going to die" I AM ME, I AM HERE BECAUSE I EXIST, AND HELL YA, I AM GOING TO DIE.. I LOVE IT..

and at other moments, those thoughts will rip your soul apart.

I suffered from heart racing, feeling a constant brain cloud, obsessive thoughts, and constantly feeling like i am in auto pilot when i am in public or socializing with friends and family.

The recovery for me was gradual. I started having DP for the 13 hours i was awake for, then 10, then 5, then 2, then 1, then 30 min, 15 min, 3 min, and now, its maybe 1 min per week. But its not the physical symptoms anymore.

There is this stage where you would be doing great for a week or two, then it would come back for 4 days.. expect that to happen twice or never.

Then the final stage is when you fear getting dp again.. but u don't get it.

then, the "fuck it" stage comes in and your back to a new and improved u.


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## rushdy (Sep 24, 2011)

DP boy said:


> Thats great man
> 
> 
> 
> ...


not a lot no.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

really appreciate your response... im sort of at a stage where i have no physical symptoms anymore... or very rarely.. and they are not what bothers me because i know the adrenaline is their source,,,
now i feel im just not quite me... yet i dont feel on autopilot... jsut like my identity is weak and not so recognizable...
i feel here (mostly) but just cannot comprehend why, how, for what... what plagues me is.. ''why is life the way it is'' ''how was i born in to this or any life'' ''what are the chances that i was born, why do i have legs n organs like other people.. how can u walk n talk n ahhhhhhh''
are these all stil the dp/dr ... i never thought of this stuff before dp.. life was just this... i didnt think of it as some sort of game i had to play everyday with an ending... 
some weeks it starts where my anxiety gets bad,,, then my thoughts set in... and boom im crying all day terrified of every moment of existing... 
im in therepy... (nearly finished the sessions unfortunately) but she says to me these thoughts are jsut anxiety coming u out of context and that they are not what is really wrong... i understand her (logically) but it feels to me that being alive and here is what is actually terrifying me.... 
i am not numb or emotionless anymore.... i am not as much on autopilot... but these thoughts are the most criplling for me..
just wondering what you think of this... am i moving forward... ill have months where im good.. then a month where i feel back to sq 1... and its heart breaking...


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## rushdy (Sep 24, 2011)

katiej said:


> really appreciate your response... im sort of at a stage where i have no physical symptoms anymore... or very rarely.. and they are not what bothers me because i know the adrenaline is their source,,,
> now i feel im just not quite me... yet i dont feel on autopilot... jsut like my identity is weak and not so recognizable...
> i feel here (mostly) but just cannot comprehend why, how, for what... what plagues me is.. ''why is life the way it is'' ''how was i born in to this or any life'' ''what are the chances that i was born, why do i have legs n organs like other people.. how can u walk n talk n ahhhhhhh''
> are these all stil the dp/dr ... i never thought of this stuff before dp.. life was just this... i didnt think of it as some sort of game i had to play everyday with an ending...
> ...


LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL .. Sorry, i honestly could hold it.. YOu are moving forward.. But everything you just said reminded me of those days. You see, you never thought of these stuff before but no one really does unless you are very intelligent. DP doesn't just happen to anyone. Look, Why do you exist? why not! Why do you have organs? Why not! Why are you alive? Why not !!

We are all going to die? yes. Whats scary? no one on earth knew, knows, or will know. You can have faith based on logic in your beliefs whether you are chrisitian, baha'i, muslium , jewish, etc. Or you can just live life with your own philosophy. Those questions define who you are. You really need to understand that those questions are not coincidence. You are in search of meaning and meaning is what makes us live. No one is without meaning, no one is without belief. We are just not built that way!

We belong to something much bigger than us, whether its god or the spaghetti monster! We are constantly reminded by such data with the universe, our view of space, mountains, sky, clouds, oceans, etc.

You are alive not by your choice, but by choice of something bigger. What is important to you? Family, kids, service, society? What would you die for? I know its tough, but your Dr. is right, anxiety makes it more complicated as it drives you to loopholes. BUT! don't underestimate those questions as they will literally build you. Thinking about the BIG QUESTIONS of LIFE is what makes you successful in it. You won't see it now.. but i promise you, in the long run, you will not only understand why you got DP but you will be grateful for it.

WRITE.. WRITE.. WRITE !!! Write those questions down.. dont let them take so much space in your mind.. Free them by writing them on a physical object whether its paper or your computer. WRITE!! WRite and you will see yourself where the argument falls. Give yourself 30 min everyday to write and analyze.. Just try it.. KEep writing even if it doesnt make sense.. write write write write!!!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

thank you... u are right... i know everyone has those questions... but i am having them to the point that they scare me.. i feel like i jsut landed here and learning for the first time.... 
are those thoughts gone for you? and will life seem safe and normal to me again.. and not some crazy joke that i am stuck in?


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## rushdy (Sep 24, 2011)

katiej said:


> thank you... u are right... i know everyone has those questions... but i am having them to the point that they scare me.. i feel like i jsut landed here and learning for the first time....
> are those thoughts gone for you? and will life seem safe and normal to me again.. and not some crazy joke that i am stuck in?


Life will seem safe and sound. Just think about it this way. Remember ur first heart break. When you used to remember that person I the first month, it used to hurt, next month hurts less, etc tillage pain fades. That will happen when you question life. It will come to a point where you are sick of it and accept that you don't know the answer and it's ok not to know.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you .... I guess it's scary Cos it's new to me
To question the unknown ... And I feel so strange to be anywhere at the moment ... Were u ever at a point where like nothing made sense like words and people and surroundings ... Logically I know but it all feels new and unfamiliar ..... Home doesn't feel like home ... Life feels like a game I have to play and it frightens me ....
Does ur identity fully return ??? I feel like I am me as in I not on
Auto pilot anymore but I don't feel I have an inner core .... My body seems alien to me too ...


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## Lightsleeper (Mar 29, 2012)

You said that you were dating a girl that you love. I've heard this is something that can greatly aid your recovery.


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## S.Snake (Jul 21, 2010)

man i remember when i was recovered, cant believe im back in the hole


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