# New here. Long term sufferer.



## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

Hi, I'm new here but not new to dissociation. I started experiencing dp/dr in an abusive relationship in 2010-2012. I left and I am now engaged to someone else and have a 2 year old daughter. I will call her Lily here.

I was very depressed throughout my whole pregnancy and barely got out of bed. Then my baby was born and the dp/dr hit me. I didn't recognise it for a long time. First I thought it was baby brain, then linked to my thyroid, then depression. Then I figured out it is dp/dr linked to PTSD from my ex and other things, including my baby who screamed like she was dying for hours at a time for the first 2 months of her life until we realised she had a dairy allergy and I had to cut dairy out of my diet.

I think my dp/dr is caused by past traumatic experiences, lack of sleep as my daughter doesn't sleep well, the fact she still is prone to a lot of crying and always has been.

I feel like I've lost the first 2 years of life. Bonding and interacting is so hard like this. She has a lot of screentime which I feel guilty about. My relationship with my partner and emotions for him are almost non existent now. I just don't want to be touched ever. I just want to be left alone because that's when my stress levels are lowest and I feel less like I live in a bubble.

Its been like this for 27 months now. I used to be on Quetiapine but my GP wont prescribe it whilst I'm still breastfeeding so I've given in and agreed to try a small dose of sertraline even though I've reacted badly to SSRIs in the past. So I started yesterday on 25mg. Hope it helps me to feel less numb inside.

J x


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

that sounds quite stressful.

I imagine you've already thought of this, but it seems perhaps that if your dp/dr (and likely other things, such as actively not wanting physical contact from your significant other) is largely due to trauma, perhaps a therapist would be a good step to take? from my understanding, which of course is not universal but is at least pretty well-supported, trauma usually needs therapy to be dealt with, not just medication. and trauma processing is like the strongest opposite to fun there ever was, but it sounds like something you'll need to go through sooner or later, and sooner would probably be better.

we're here to support you, even if we bicker sometimes. and of course, I'm sure everyone here wishes you the best.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

You are not alone....All of us on here are very familiar with what you are going through as regards your mental health...

Please dont feel guilty because you are not well and havent been able to give your daughter ultimate care....Im sure you have done your utmost best under the circumstances...

My heart always goes out to mothers with this awful condition...Whatever about a fella feeling numb...A mother feeling numb when it comes to loving her child must be absolutely horrendous....

Please hang on in there...It will improve in time....You just have to surround yourself with the proper people as regards doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, family, friends etc etc....Avoid anybody who doesnt want to show you patience, tolerance, kindness and love right now....They will not do you any good...Dont let people pep talk you to fob you off......Its time for you to stand up and tell people..."Im not well....I need help" Dont be embarrassed and f**k the stigma....

If anybody tells you to pull your socks up and get on with it tell them to go f**k themselves.....These types of people are to be avoided like the plague....They will do you more harm than good........Surround your self in caring patient understanding people for the next while until you start to feel a little better....

And yes with the right help you will improve and start to feel better....I promise...

Please please take things very very easy for the next while....Its tiny tiny steps right now....You need to reduce your stress levels as much as you can right now....Any kind of undue stress is going to just make things worse....You need to explain all this to your partner and he needs to step up to the plate as regards looking after your daughter and making sure you are as comfortable and destressed as possible....

You need all the positive help you can get....Dont be afraid to ask for it and DONT try to get through this alone...

Go easy on yourself miss...


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

Thank you both, I never expected such long and detailed replies! I'm on a waiting list for CBT. I know that doesn't help with dealing with trauma but unfortunately with the NHS I think I have to try that first. Its a long waiting game sadly. Hoping the SSRIs will help at least a bit.

Fortunately I do feel strong love for my daughter quite often still. But not for much else in my life. I genuinely don't know whether my relationship is broken beyond repair or whether it's just the dp


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## Lichaart (Feb 23, 2017)

wakemeupinside said:


> Hi, I'm new here but not new to dissociation. I started experiencing dp/dr in an abusive relationship in 2010-2012. I left and I am now engaged to someone else and have a 2 year old daughter. I will call her Lily here.
> 
> I was very depressed throughout my whole pregnancy and barely got out of bed. Then my baby was born and the dp/dr hit me. I didn't recognise it for a long time. First I thought it was baby brain, then linked to my thyroid, then depression. Then I figured out it is dp/dr linked to PTSD from my ex and other things, including my baby who screamed like she was dying for hours at a time for the first 2 months of her life until we realised she had a dairy allergy and I had to cut dairy out of my diet.
> 
> ...


This will pass , don't worry just take a deep breath and have faith .

This forum will help you a lot here , when no one can understand you in real life .

Did you used birth controll pills or IUD ?


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

Not since before I tried for my daughter. Came off BC in maybe August 2013? Been a while


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## Lichaart (Feb 23, 2017)

http://pub48.bravenet.com/forum/static/show.php?usernum=4086229120&frmid=72&msgid=715312
*here you go this article is so related to your case . *


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

Hi I tried to reply here but it didn't get approved for some reason. Thank you for the replies I never expected such long and lovely responses.

I'm not on BC but I was before I got pregnant with my daughter. Came off about 3.5 years ago. I've read about the zinc thing already and I'm quite interested and going to try it.

I am on the waiting list for CBT which I know doesn't deal with traumas. I don't have much choice on the NHS though, i have to try that first before they'll let me try other stuff.


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

why arent my replies on this post getting approved??


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

Woohoo it worked ☺


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

actually, CBT has been used specifically for trauma. I was an assistant on a research project that was examining the effectiveness of CBT in children and adolescents that have experienced trauma. I wasn't around long enough to see the results, but it was promising enough to put the funding in it, at least. granted, these kids were going through CBT before the trauma had the chance to really develop into full PTSD, but it was still shown to be effective.

if it doesn't work for you, personally, that's fine. CBT doesn't work great for me either. but please do try to give it a fair chance, as it can actually be very helpful for some people. and if it doesn't work for you, then you have the opportunity to find another therapist.


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

I know its used for trauma but a I understand it they dont actually address the trauma itself... just teach you how to adjust your thinking and coping strategies... I had it before for depression. Found it to have a very victim blaming mentality. I know for a fact that my DP isn't caused by 'overthinking' it.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

ah, I see. I apologize if I came off as patronizing, it was rude of me to assume you didn't have some understanding of it already.

CBT has become the darling of the therapeutic world, but it is not universally applicable. hopefully they will allow you to seek other treatment once you have satisfactorily proven that CBT is not beneficial to you. I wish you luck.


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

thank you ☺☺ i read a DPD CBT book recently and it very much reinforced my beliefs!


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Not to be a kill/joy or party/pooper but 6 months of CBT didnt do squat for my DP except put a deeper hole in my pocket....And if your gonna tell me I didnt stick with it long enough im sorry but 6 minutes of DP is too long for me to wait around for help let alone 6 months...

One of these days people are gonna realise DP is down to a chemical imbalance in the brain and you simply cant think your way out of it or retrain your thinking patterns to cope with it....

If you look at the majority of so called recovery stories they all say the same thing in general (They all basically did their best to ignore it and it kinda went away on its own)

I dont think any of them said they were able to retrain their thinking strategies....The rest of the "so called" recovery stories involved meds and the ongoing use of said meds....

When youve had DP to the extent I and alot of others on here have had and still have it (CHRONIC) its actually bordering on a psychotic condition without the visual or audible delusions....

To me its almost akin to an inner mind psychosis if that makes any sense...You dont see things or hear things that arent really there but you sure as hell imagine alot of disturbing inner mind crap....Not only that its so seriously obsessive and repetitive that its totally impossible to even begin to combat it with alternate thinking strategies or patterns.....

Its the persistent obsessive side of DP thats the big problem with it.....

I often used to describe it to the various therapists and shrinks I attended over the years that it was like my mind was like a vinyl record with a scratch on it.....I was playing along nicely in life with my mental health then one day my needle got stuck in a groove/scratch and ever since its just been going round and round playing the same piece of awful music over and over....

I just want someone to lift my needle out of the groove move it forward and put it down again so I can play out the rest of my life like any other normal person does...

As im writing this its 4.53 am and i havent slept a wink because my racing obsessive insomniac mind wont let me....Thanks again DP!


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## Lostherheart (Jan 23, 2017)

Eddy that is a perfect analogy. I was just telling my doctor it's like I've gone completely mad. It's like my mind is so wound up like a ball with these thoughts that I just can't get untangled. I said to him, I just want somebody to help me unravel all these strings to loosen it up so I can be free.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

eddy, I understand where you're coming from. and if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. but it's important to keep in mind that no one's experience is universal, and just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it can't help someone else. it's totally fine if you want people to know that it didn't work for you! but it's reckless to insist that your experience is universal.

for some people it's just about finding the right meds. for others it's about addressing things that got ignored. and some people won't fit into either option, or will need both to make the progress they're looking for.

the things we say have an impact on others, and it's not always a positive one.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

tfiio said:


> eddy, I understand where you're coming from. and if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. but it's important to keep in mind that no one's experience is universal, and just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it can't help someone else. it's totally fine if you want people to know that it didn't work for you! but it's reckless to insist that your experience is universal.
> 
> for some people it's just about finding the right meds. for others it's about addressing things that got ignored. and some people won't fit into either option, or will need both to make the progress they're looking for.
> 
> the things we say have an impact on others, and it's not always a positive one.


Apologies!

You are absolutely right tfiio....Im sure CBT could work for some...Ans its definitely worth a shot.......

I was just a bit cranky when I posted because I was so feckin frustrated from lack of sleep...


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

I totally agree with what you said though Eddy. In my experience of CBT it just doesn't work. I can imagine it working for someone who maybe struggles with anxiety or stress... but nothing as serious as DPD or recurring major depressive disorder which is what I had last time.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

anxiety is not inherently less "serious" than depression or DPD, either. I know it's a really common misinterpretation, and I'm not saying that your problems aren't serious, because they clearly are. but again, the things we say have an impact on others. I apologize if you feel I am out of line on this, but it's something that is important to me. you can acknowledge one person's problems are serious without dismissing another's, just like you can point out one person's positive qualities without tearing down another in the process.


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## dissociative12 (Mar 1, 2017)

I struggle with anxiety and DPD and depression. What I meant was that anxiety seems easier to cope with in a way as its something you can learn coping strategies for whereas with DPD caused by trauma you would have to have intensive psychodynamic therapy if you ever wanted to come close t figuring it all out.

I think you need to chill out a bit. Saying that something is 'less serious' isn't at ALL 'tearing down' or 'dismissing' anyone.

Treatable cancer is not as serious as terminal cancer but am I dismissing the person with treatable cancer by saying that? No.

My opinion. Take it or leave it.


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

perhaps we are coming at this from different angles. I am used to things being looked at as more or less serious as a way to say "my pain is more valid than your pain". and there are coping strategies for dpd, although the trauma would need to be addressed in order to do more than day-to-day cope, and sometimes there is not the same addressable root for anxiety, I suppose.

my intention was not to offend, merely an attempt to correct a perceived problem I have had to fight against in other settings.


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