# POSITIVE STORY AND ADVICE



## vin (Mar 8, 2005)

Hey all, I don't recall the last time i posted on here, which to me is a nice thought, as it means i've moved on from the days where I'd obsessively start the computer up just to see who was like me, was there a cure, how could i recover etc.

I've been handling dp for 2 years now. it started from touring with a theatre company, exhaustion, food poisoning and fear of panic attacks as one hit me out of the blue. sinice then, i-ve seen a few therapists, of which the final one seemed to help me work towards coping with anxiety, how to monitor it, and above all - how to stop catastrophising and say 'so what' instead of 'what if'.

My symptons of dp were pretty standard, autopilot, dulled emotions, light aversions, fear of going insane, fear of panic attack, goldfish bowl, trapped in my head peering out of my eyes etc. once i'd discovered what panic attacks were it was too late for me to stop the fear and forget about it. i stopped working, locked myself in the house, wouldn'y answer the phone, was scared to go out....this was pretty much how i delt with any illness....if i had the flu, i would lock myself in my room, and wait for it to pass then carry on. what i didn't realise that problems that affect your mind and mental state cannot be dealt with like this.

It was a girlfriend of mine who heard about my behaviour through a flatmate who pretty much came to my rescue. she talked to me even though she knew nothing about dp apart from what i'd described to her. she committed herself to seeing that i made a recovery or the right steps to recovery and for this i'm eternally grateful. She would put up with me whatever mood i was in, however stubborn i would be, however negative i would be, because she knew that i needed someone to help me in whatever situation i was in, somebody to lean on i guess. she knew that one day i would start to see past the negativity, the frustration, but until i did that i needed someone to push me, as it's so easy to stay in bed on a morning where its safest and nothing can cause fear apart from when you run out of milk.

So slowly slowly is the way. step by step. I'd stopped working when the dp hit. for about 6 months i did very little. i would drive to the coast and spend hours sitting there trying to clear my head, but there was nothing in it to clear. my self esteem dropped. when i finally thought about working again, i was aiming for jobs where i wouldn't have to deal with people. driving, delivering things was now my new aim. From years opf performing in front of people, i now wanted to go unnoticed. as long as i had a structure and get out the house i thought i'd make a recovery.

eventually i started working in a bar where i had once worked in the theatre. it was very relaxed and never got too busy. the boss kind of knew and my flatmate was there to keep an eye on me. i enjoyed a bit of structure, getting out the houise. slowly starting to integrate with people. the main downside was seeing the performers onsdtage everynight thinking i used to be able to do that. since the dp, i'd developed a bit of stage fright, plus the pressure of not just being able to take a break during a scene was a slight problem!.

sooner that i thought though i contacted my agent, who said we could take things slowly and only audition for things i was comfortable with. i had a few good auditions and also got a few television jobs which was good for the bank balance as i hadn't been working in ages! but i was still scared to audition for theatre for fear of panicking on the spot and being fre3aked out by the lights.

so after more time spent unemployed my sister who runs a college said that i should come in and do some voluntary work just to get out the house. i started working with the esol department which teaches english to foreign students. it felt great to be communicating with other peiople, and after a few weeks my confidence grew, and i felt i could have conversations with people without freaking out and having to walk away. the lights in the classroom became less of a problem and i decided because of the calm nature of the job to take a teaching course in durham.

it took me an in tense month which wasn't the best idea, but i completed the course and was now qualified to teach english as a foreign language. the day after i qualified i treceived a phone call offering me a full time position at the college which i gladly acce3pted. for the next year i would work there and occasionally travel down to london to audition, it seemed i had the best of both worlds.

during that year i also went travelling to thailand which inspired me to do more with my life instread of waiting for the day where i wake up and everythings clear again.

i admitted to myself that being an actor wasn't going to hepl my dp, but living in england always meant that i would be chomping at the bit to keep on trying, and eventually this would lead me to square one. so i made a decision to work in another country..italy.

i alwayts wanted to learn italian and thought that learning a language would occupy my mind more than anythiong. i applied for teaching jobs and within a few weeks had a succedssful interview and was offered a job. so here i am on my lunchbreak telling you my story, how i arrived here.

with dp i think alot of people change and grow, they get their priorities and values right. they experiment more, after all it can't get any worse. i thrive off new experiences now, i did before but would put them off, i would procrastinate, but now i get onboard, say yes a lot more, think why not and above all SO WHAT!

i still take citalopram 20mg every day, it gives me some stability i think and with moving to another country i was probably most at risk of anxiety problems.

S MY ADVICE = hang in there, try not to get bogged down in this website. if your username is a depressing word or thought, change it! there are too many ones like lonely, or downeretc you got to grab hold of yourself get someone to help you and just fuckin go for it, get some of that feeling back in you, show a bit of fuckin spine! try something new everyday. do one thing that you think might help you. maybe its something you read on this website, a tip or bit of advice. do some exercise because the cure isn't in a plastic bottle. you gotta go there to come back. you can do this!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!! x


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## zhqhqn (Aug 15, 2005)

thanks for the story. I'm amazed that you managed to get the courage to move to another country.


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