# I thought I was cured...



## Fade (Sep 2, 2012)

Hey everyone,

I'm not entirely new to this site, I joined about four years ago when I had my first encounter with dp, I made a few good friends that I still speak to regularly, but apart from that my time here was brief. I'm back here today because yesterday my dp peaked out of nowhere and I have had an extremely scary time the last 48 hours. I thought I was managing fine until now, but I don't think I was managing at all, I was 'surviving', just gritting my teeth every hour of my existence, bearing the pain of being alive because I had no other choice, it's either suffer and be 'alive' or die, and I don't want to f#@cking die yet.
The last four years of my life have been a blur, I honestly can't recall one time when I smelt, tasted, and experienced what it is like to be alive. This is painful for me because as a child into my late teens I lived a very full existence,
I look back on who I was back then and it hurts, it hurts because I don't even know that person any more. I don't know who I am now either.
I have been through all the motions like the rest of you. I have tried therapy, medication, and natural medicines and therapies like yoga and meditation, I have gone from being convinced I had a brain tumour, to being convinced I was clinically insane, brain damaged, the list goes on... The most painful part is not having an answer, not knowing what the hell you're facing and how to treat it. So we struggle onwards, living our lives to half our potential.
I'm not sure what really triggered my intense dp. I had a traumatic childhood where I was always frightened, my family was dysfunctional at best and in my teens I medicated my depression and anxiety with drugs and alcohol. One day I had a bad drug experience, I had my first and only bad trip on LSD. My dp was pretty much instantly activated, but although it seems obvious that this experience indeed acted as a trigger, I'm not sure if all it did was bring my underlying trauma to the surface. All the trauma I had managed to suppress with my bad habits and behaviours bubbled.
I really don't know any more guys, I thought I had it figured out but I'm back to Square One again.
I just want to be happy again, and feel real, I want to be at one with the universe again and not feel like an alien looking down on a foreign world.
I hope we can share our experiences my friends. One thing I know is that we all deserve some credit. Living like this is so hard. We're all Olympic athletes in our own right.
Please feel free to talk with me about anything, I know I will be trying to connect with you all.
Love Mat.


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## amber89 (Aug 25, 2012)

Ik what u mean its so hard for me to I started work back up this week and I feel like I'm in a daz the whole time I love my job but when I'm feeling like this all I want to do is lay in my bed and cry but knowing I will overcome this gets me out of bed everyday I still cry a lot cause of it but ik someday it will go away I hope u get better soon


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Have you tried a trauma specialist? It may not help immediatly, but it's a good place to start. Isst-d.org has a listing of people, there are also intensive treatment programs therapists often send people to for a jump start, I can give you info
on them if you want


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## Narrowawake (Sep 1, 2012)

Hey Mat,

I'm sorry about this sudden downturn you're experiencing, but I also encourage you to seek some help like the person who commented above me recommended.









My experience with DP might be a bit different from yours. During the summer of 2010, I began obsessively worrying about religious matters, specifically whether or not I was going to Heaven when I died. I could not turn my worries off because I could never come to a conclusion about the matter. The thoughts plagued me and injected so much terror into my life. I could literally think of nothing else and I spent every waking moment theorizing and pondering and going through hypothetical situations in my mind. This continued on until December of 2011, when somehow, out of frustration and exhaustion, I managed to give up on my quest for answers to this question. Once I stopped obsessing about that problem, my mind automatically started to focus on other things - the things that were around me - and everything around me suddenly seemed closer and more real. It freaked me out because I was so used to being distanced from reality by my own obsessive thoughts, and all that reality was sooo heavy that I distanced myself again. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that's called dissociation. I somehow made my mind unaware again of everything around me and tuned it all out. It was easier that way. So, for me, as I've dealt with my own dissociative issues, I've realized that some of it is caused by my own intrusive worries and thoughts, and I wonder if that could be one of the causes for your DP as well? The other main cause for my DP is my own desperate choice to distance myself from whatever seems to heavy to bear at the moment. Is this you too or is it different for you?

Hope things get better for you, Mat.

-Ashley


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## Fade (Sep 2, 2012)

Hey!

Thanks so much for your concern and compassion guys. Please feel free to send me some info Kate, I am from Australia though, sorry I haven't looked at where you are from, there doesn't seem to be much of an understanding of dp here but as of today I have started looking around for a therapist with experience treating dissociative disorders, and I have found a couple leads. I guess I'll keep trying until I get some results =)
That sounds like a horrible thing to experience Ashley. How are you dealing now? are you getting therapy?


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Fade, go to sidran.org and email their "help desk" ask if they have info for people in your county. I think here might be some places that specialize in trauma (usually a good trauma therapist knows
about dissociation)


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Mat,

Just like you I also had a bad childhood and a "dysfunctional" and even abusive family, who always denied me professional treatment. 
So I did everything I could to get better, and of course with the years and the months I had ups and downs and all the confusion and been through all of the moods and the thoughts from hyper to depressive etc.

I think the mental confusion is a sign of recovery sometimes, I feel I'm recovering not only from dp/dr, as a symptom or condition I'm not sure, but from my emotional wounds. Sometimes is really bad even when you feel real and anxiety has been high like a rocket (not no but this week).

But after so many ups and downs I realize that it's always worth it to keep on fighting, keep healthy etc.Overcoming DP can feel like a withdrawal.

I got free from DR a few months ago and still adapting, and now DP seems to be off, it's very odd to me, but the mental confusion is somewhat still there. There is always a way, and I think the key is to heal your emotional wounds because they are the foundation of the whole "DP" thing.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Fearless said:


> Depersonalization is ITSELF a RECOVERY from unresolved pains.


Interesting, well is it a recovery or just something to shield you from feeling more emotional pain while you take care of the recovery process?


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## daydreambeliever (Jun 15, 2011)

Fearless said:


> you may did not pay enough attention to your emotions, so DP came and made it impossible to ignore them.
> 
> a great design, isn't it?


LOL! And, I thought I was cured many times. I know better today. Some days are good but I am always dreaming.

I have learned to RELAX, yes, but I find I am still somewhat aghast at times at how disconnected I am from feeling and knowing what is real. I make pretty big mistakes and assumptions.

Have to share. This weekend I took my floating lounge chair out on a mountain lake with a coat on and a paddle and floated in the pink and purple sunset till dark when the full moon rose. I heard my mind say to me, "Thank you for giving me such a great experience." It was absolutely surreal and fun. All alone. If I wait for friends, family, etc., I may wait forever. My advise to everyone: get out there and live! It doesn't matter how depersonalized I am or how unreal everything seems, it, whatever it is, is here now. This was probably the most unreal experience I have ever had (sober lol), and I really enjoyed it. I get to do things like this because I have the awareness to know I can. I know you do too. Be safe, be happy. Life is neither bitter nor sweet, easy or hard, but it is short and passing. Ultimately, what am I anxious about? Death? All that lives dies. I never walk alone. It is whatever it is. I am glad to be me today. Tomorrow could be a whole different story! That's life with dpd.


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