# This is so real that it's not real



## DreamLife (Sep 16, 2007)

My twin sister discovered depersonalization disorder yesterday, and she is convinced that we both have it. We've both been diagnosed as bipolar, but neither of us really ever felt like we had it.

"It" first became unbearable for me in 2003, but in 2004, after a lengthy period of atheism, I began to live a spiritual life with a God of my understanding, and it has never been as unbearable since, although it's still very much present, and I really can't remember a time in my 23 years that I haven't felt it at some level.

Here are some of my writings from 2003...

_"I have recently come to the conclusion that something is extremely wrong with the way my brain is functioning. I can sense the stages that my brain goes through. A few days when I feel "normal" followed by a few days when I feel very different. A very bad different. My thoughts are disorganized and confusing and negative and hopeless. I also question everything in my brain. Why this? Why that? Right now I keep having of thoughts of why the f**k am I or anyone else alive at all? What the hell is the point?"

Then...

"It's gotten so much worse. I am in some sort of dark and weird place. I feel extremely detached from reality. I feel extremely detached from "myself," whatever the f**k that is. Is this really happening? Maybe I'm dreaming. But no, I am NOT dreaming. "

And...

"Today felt very abnormal. At the beginning, I felt okay, but then it went away. And then I felt really strange, and it's difficult to explain. I sort of felt like I was about to go insane. My face was expressionless, as it often is. Also, lately I just kind of stare into space when I'm alone with that blank expression on my face. I became really uncomfortable and couldn't think of anything to make me feel better. I'm starting to think this is somthing different than depression. I wake up every morning and this horrible feeling comes over me. I feel like I have to leave right away."

Also...

"What I'm absolutely sure of now is that I no longer feel like "myself," whatever the hell that is. I know that when I look in the mirror I see someone that I am so far removed from that she seems to be someone else altogether. I've often likened the situation to "me" being two separate individuals: the physical one and the one that's inside that actually controls everything. I also know this: I am so far removed from reality that nothing seems real or even seems to matter."_

Even now, I somehow feel like this disorder isn't real, like maybe it's so real that it's not real. Does that make sense? It makes complete sense to me. I have this kind of nagging feeling that I'll be stuck with it for the rest of my life. Until yesterday, I assumed that everyone felt this way, and I wondered why everyone didn't just go insane. But knowing that I'm one of the few that feels this way makes me feel more hopeless, like I'll just be confined to living in a dream state forever.

Like I said, my misery has gotten better over the last four years, but it's still there. I still don't know how to have emotions and I still don't feel like I'm actually living my life. When I look in the mirror, I still feel like I'm looking at a stranger. When I speak, I feel no connection to my voice. It's as if someone else has spoken the words that my brain was trying to formulate. It's unsettling. Any help is welcome.

Peace.


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

I can relate to your experiences very much (unfortunately). It's a horrible thing feeling detached from yourself and reality in general. Maybe it'll go away, maybe not. Nobody can tell. I know many people get the wrong diagnoses. It can also be that you really are bipolar (I cannot say) _and_ have dissociative symptoms like DP/DR.


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