# Can't bare the thought of going crazy



## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

I am sorry for bringing this shit up again. I am just so filled with fear and anxiety it feels like my heads going to explode.

I feel like crap at this moment. I feel as if I know I'm going down the road of schizophrenia and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm pretty sure I am in the predomal stages of it.

Like why did I get DP in the first place?

Why am I getting suspicious paranoid-like thoughts?

Why do I have anxiety 24/7?

_Prodrome, or psychosis risk syndrome as it is also known, is a proposed syndrome to be used the DSM-V (2013) of psychiatry.[2][3] It is also defined as "the aura that precedes a psychotic break by up to two or three years."[3] Patients with this condition "still have 'insight' - a pivotal word in psychiatric literature, indicating that a patient can still recognize an altered worldview as a sign of illness, not revelation."[3] Prodrome is also sometimes called "attenuated psychotic symptoms syndrome."_

Like I probably have insight right now on the prodome to psychosis or SZ.

This is all too much for me. I am worried sick. I really can't imagine my life with a psychotic illness in it. Too me that means losing everything. I wouldn't be able to get the job I wanted which I am going to school for, no girl is gonna want to go out with someone psychotic. And by no means am I making fun of these conditions, its what I fear.

I went to my doctor about this last week and he was barely helpful. He didn't say it sounds like I'm getting it, but he basically said if symptoms and those thoughts get worse something would have to be done. It's like, "k thanks, I'll just patiently wait for my first psychotic break".

It doesn't make sense that I always have an anxious bad feeling all the time too.

I need relief from all this suffering.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

There's a reason that psychotic risk thing didn't make it past the dsm 3.

It is complelty normal to feel like you're going to have a psychotic break.

If it would really hel you, you could try taking an anti psychotic, when it doesn't work maybe that would help to validate that it isn't psychosis?

I've felt the same way. I've been dx'd as psychotic, and I've been on, 1,2,3,4 or 5 anti psychotics only thing they've ever done is hep me sleep


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

kate_edwin said:


> There's a reason that psychotic risk thing didn't make it past the dsm 3.
> 
> It is complelty normal to feel like you're going to have a psychotic break.
> 
> ...


Did you get any other dx'd that said you weren't psychotic?


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## Guest (Dec 6, 2011)

You should def talk to your psych about this in detail and see what he thinks and even get a second opinion if you can. I hate to be that guy but there are people on here that are gunna become psychotic or schizophrenic, i think it was 1-2 out of every 100 people with get schizophrenia, now im def not saying youre gunna get this, you seem intake and your anxiety is just kicking your ass right now. I just think everyone should put some thought into it if they are worried.


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## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

...


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Yes, I have dp disorder or ddnos/ developmental trauma disorder


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Auldie said:


> You should def talk to your psych about this in detail and see what he thinks and even get a second opinion if you can. I hate to be that guy but there are people on here that are gunna become psychotic or schizophrenic, i think it was 1-2 out of every 100 people with get schizophrenia, now im def not saying youre gunna get this, you seem intake and your anxiety is just kicking your ass right now. I just think everyone should put some thought into it if they are worried.


Well that will definitely suck dick, but you are right


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

newyork said:


> Dude. You need some MEDS. Whether you're in the prodrome phase of schizophrenia or not, get CONTROL of your anxiety!! I see you posting on here every day (I do too), but it seems to me you are living on the edge, at all moments, looking for some thing, any thing, just one thing, to tell you that you are going to fully recover, to get you through your day.
> You don't need it!!
> You're fucking brave for going on every day with all that anxiety and not taking any meds. But you know what? Martyrs suffer.
> Take the damn anxiety meds so you can see two feet in front of your face. It will shed a whole new perspective both on yourself and your dissociative symptoms. It is possible to experience depersonalization and NOT be anxious. I am living proof of that, as well as many other people I have met on here now.
> ...


Thanks man, and yeah clearly I am a mess right now. I'm surprised I can function with all this shit. I used to not be that anxious when I first got DP, then last winter I started worrying about SZ and its been a snowball effect from there, and the ball is getting bigger.

Did you ever go through a bad anxious time like I am going through? it would be nice to hear someone that did and became better.


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

newyork said:


> Dude. You need some MEDS. Whether you're in the prodrome phase of schizophrenia or not, get CONTROL of your anxiety!! I see you posting on here every day (I do too), but it seems to me you are living on the edge, at all moments, looking for some thing, any thing, just one thing, to tell you that you are going to fully recover, to get you through your day.
> You don't need it!!
> You're fucking brave for going on every day with all that anxiety and not taking any meds. But you know what? Martyrs suffer.
> Take the damn anxiety meds so you can see two feet in front of your face. It will shed a whole new perspective both on yourself and your dissociative symptoms. It is possible to experience depersonalization and NOT be anxious. I am living proof of that, as well as many other people I have met on here now.
> ...


WHat meds are you on?? lamictal? and prozac right?


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

I would definitely take a clonazepam right now but I've had 5-htp, gaba and l-theanine today so I'm not sure if there is any bad interactions


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## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

...


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

I know fuuuuuck!....you are definitely right though. Your very straight up, thats good man.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Huggy Bear said:


> What's wrong with becoming psychotic? You wouldn't realize anymore that you have DP and you would probably think that you are the coolest dude on the planet. Doesn't sound too bad, does it?
> 
> But seriously, you already have chosen DP as your defense mechanism, which rules out becoming a schizo as well. The two don't go together...


Well that's not what auldie says. It sounds like people with dp have a chance of getting it. fuck i dunno


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

Some schizo have DP too...


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

Nothing keep you from being schizo just because you have DP first...


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

I never talked about DP developing into Schizo. But I think you can have DP and have a psychosis later in life not even related to the DP... IT'S like saying cause you have DP you cant have alzheimer


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## derkdiggler (Oct 19, 2011)

new york is right i get so fucken foggy and scared and freaked out from the anxiety from this shit, im 32 y o man i used to go to the bar fight party get hella pussy hang with the boys fast cars fast life best weed lots of money and it all went to shit 2 years ago which im glad it slowed me down,just lettin you no im strong mother fucker but the anxiety makes it to where you cant even navigate through your own fucken house or your day or your mind and ill tell you what i take a half of a rx xanix and it clears me up so much its amazing but i hate fucken meds i dont trust them cant stand em but i have to get my anxiety under control also im to the point where im gonna take one every day if i fucken half to just to live, fuck the backlash of these meds it cant be nowhere near what we feel every hour of every day, fuck it im ramblin but i guess im tryin to say i feel ya on the anxiety it makes this whole disorder worse, weather you like me or not my heart goes out to ya im in the same fn boat


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Quifouett said:


> I never talked about DP developing into Schizo. But I think you can have DP and have a psychosis later in life not even related to the DP... IT'S like saying cause you have DP you cant have alzheimer


I get what you mean


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## Guest (Dec 6, 2011)

Huggy Bear said:


> WTF does Auldie know? Go and read Simeon's book again - it clearly states that people don't go on to develop schizophrenia. Period.
> 
> BTW, I was afraid of becoming schizophrenic for years before I found out about DP. Hence, I understand your worries, but they are totally unfounded...


Lol well then i guess my 2 psychiatrists are wrong, they have had cases where people presented with depersonalization and later went on to develop schizophrenia. Btw ive read her books and no where does it say you cant first get dp and then not later down the line get schizophrenia, what i think you mean is that the dp doesnt change into schizophrenia, that doesnt mean people cant get still develop schizophrenia.


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## rob (Aug 22, 2004)

Jayd - I've had this crap for many years and, at first, like you, I lived in constant fear of coming right off the chain - but, given time to get used to DP, it gets much easier to deal with and may even go away.

Try this - instead of constantly worrying about going crazy - stop worrying about it and do it - actually allow yourself to slip into psychosis - if that doesn't work, try your very hardest to force yourself into a psychotic state ..

If you become psychotic you won't realise it so you'll be less worried - if you don't become psychotic then you'll know that your fears are false and maybe calm down a little - could be a win-win situation for once.

Psychotics are delusional, uninhibited and quite extrovert, they often appear to be exhilarated and elated when going off on a full-blown flight of fancy - we are at the opposite end of the scale - we're introverts and worriers who recognise objective reality and feel distressed at our inability to experience it fully at a subjective level. I've often thought that a bit of psychosis might bring me some light relief - albeit at the expense of my loved ones.


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## Hulk123 (Dec 6, 2011)

Jayd said:


> I am sorry for bringing this shit up again. I am just so filled with fear and anxiety it feels like my heads going to explode.
> 
> I feel like crap at this moment. I feel as if I know I'm going down the road of schizophrenia and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm pretty sure I am in the predomal stages of it.
> 
> ...


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

people dont usually develop psychosis "later in life", usually starts early to mid 20s


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

Jayd is kinda young so later in life is like in 3-4 years. That is what I meant. Not lke in 15 years even if there are still little chances to get a late onset.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

My goal is to be ok with developing SZ. Even though I absolutely don't want it to happen. And a goal that if I do go SZ, to try and live as normally as possibly, to get a job in geology which is what I'm going to school for. If living normally is possible then there would probably be less fear. I would want to live independently with a gf, not have to live with my parents. Be able to work full time, maintaim jamming with my friends etc.


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## Quarter Pounder (Jun 17, 2011)

Hey man, I'm pretty sure it's way better to have schizofrenia than DP/DR. At least there are medications for that, proper knowledge and it's socially recognized (at least people will say to you "that's too bad" instead of "that's probably stress, just go out and have a beer").
That being said, I don't think you are going schizo, nor crazy, but that's not good news either.
If this wasn't an anticipation of schizofrenia, and things stayed the same, would you be okay with it? I mean, do you fear this thing for not going away or because you feel it's going to turn into something "worse"?


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## Quifouett (Sep 13, 2011)

DP is already hard. Cant imagine having schizo over the top


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

New York is right. Jayd, you need to shit or get off the pot. Go to any neuro board, and see that you are a small fish in a big tank. The world is awash in very real suffering. If you are suffering so, then do something about it. It's really just that simple. And I agree with NY that you should start with your anxiety. Anxiety is obviously a big part of your "distorted" thinking. Right now, all you can be diagnosed with is "excessive worry"/pseudo psychosis.
If it's ruining your life, then do the responsible thing and get treatment for your anxiety. Forget the homeopathic bullshit. It's not working for you. Time to stop thinking, and start doing.


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## TenStepsBack (Dec 4, 2011)

Jayd said:


> I am sorry for bringing this shit up again. I am just so filled with fear and anxiety it feels like my heads going to explode.
> 
> I feel like crap at this moment. I feel as if I know I'm going down the road of schizophrenia and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm pretty sure I am in the predomal stages of it.
> 
> ...


 Dude I am 17 and have been dealing with this for 4 years.
I think I have already lost it.
I cant bear it. I get no relief.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

TenStepsBack said:


> Dude I am 17 and have been dealing with this for 4 years.
> I think I have already lost it.
> I cant bear it. I get no relief.


Well if you've had it for 4 years your probably in the clear bud.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Today I had 2 clonazepams so my anxiety was more under controlled, however that doesn't stop the obsessional thoughts.

I had explained all this to my doctor I think last week, and he said he is glad to hear that im not hallucinating or anything like that, hes glad to hear that I sound very similar to when I first started seeing him about DP back in summer of 2010.

I managed to neglect his reassurance and hold on to the little risk that things can get worse.

I am planning on going on medication, I actually have risperidone but I don't want to take that because of the weight gain (I'm not gaining the weight I worked my ass off losing). My doctor is suggesting seroquel but mentioned I might wanna hold off till my finals are done or else I am going to be like a zombie for the first week or something.


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## dpagain (Oct 5, 2011)

Jayd you sound like me 3 weeks ago. I had DP & fully recovered 6 years ago, I had it for 3 years & frequented this bored 20 times a day. I thought if I just did some self help stuff changed my lifestyle a little bit & stuck with the meds it would go & it did. I took my last one 6 years ago. Then 8 months ago life stress built up & it hit me again. It is just a defence mechanism that my brain does when I can't cope with life. I tried to do this naturally this time. I spent $1000's on natural medicine, naturopath, NET, essential oils, supplements, yoga, exercise. You name it I tried it. It had little effect. I did get better but it wore me down. I would get ride of one lot of symptoms for it to be replaced with another & then I would obsesse about that. First it was schizophrenia & then it was Bi-Polar. You see the thing with OCD is it doesn't matter how much a dr tells you that you are not going to go crazy you won't believe them cause you so caught up in the fear factor you keep going "what if?" I started taking Luvox 1 1/2 weeks ago to help with the Obesessional thoughts. It felt like defeat going to medication seeing as I had gotten through the worse dp & was getting better but it wasn't quick enough for me I knew I could be like this for a couple of years & I knew what was driving it was my anxiety. I now have no DP just a huge amount of anxiety! The DP was covering my anxiety symptoms that I couldn't cope with. Yes at first the medication makes you feel even worse but make sure you get some sedatives to help with that. You need something to get yourself out of the obsessive loop. My OCD thoughts are almost completely gone & when they are there its like - oh its just my ocd again. I don't care if I have to take this crap for the rest of my life if it means I get to experience a happy life then I will do it. It is not until you start to feel better do you realise that you have done this to yourself with your thoughts. Now that I have calmed down & my symptoms are fading I believe that I have DP & OCD and nothing more. Please don't try & be a martyr go speak to your dr about some OCD meds you deserve to live a fulfilling happy life.


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## Hulk123 (Dec 6, 2011)

Quifouett said:


> DP is already hard. Cant imagine having schizo over the top


I know you're probably just trying to be very objective... But still... you should be careful what you say... even very unspecific and seemingly insignificant things can trigger anxiety.

Topic:

A month ago I started to take Citalopram. At first it made everything (esp the obsessive pseudo paranoid thoughts) a lot worse. 
Now I feel somewhat more oragnised. I feel more aware of my situation. When I upped the dose from 30 to 40 mg I had 2-3 days where those thoughts were pretty much gone... Now they're back. It's up and down 24/7. 
I hope that time will "balance" things out.

When the fear gets really bad. When I feel like I'm about to lose control any minute I take Oxazepam. It really helps to calm down and free your mind. I know that it's not the best way... but I'd rather develop an addiction for meds than have that fear all the time


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## shitinmybrain (Dec 7, 2011)

Hey man, I just joined but have lurked around quite a bit and have saw you post along these lines quite alot. I think most of us have these worries to some extent.

But really man, what difference would it make what label your state of mind was given? If i told you right now you were schizophrenic (which i do not believe to be true, to be honest) that would not change a thing except possibly increase your anxiety.

What label your state of mind is given does not change a thing. How you feel and how you act does.

We are all mad as hatters here in the sanest possible way. We simultaneously can't find ourselves but also can not forget ourselves. We live in an anxious limbo, that is all. We just need to escape that. You're not going schizo (or so i do believe) but, in a sense, this worry will just drive us more and more mad unless we control it!

I send my best wishes to you man and feel from what I have read that we are in very similar boats. I'm 19 (i get the feeling you can't be too many years either side of that) - we both have our lifes ahead of us. You're not going to go legit "crazy" in the correct sense of the word - but in a way we already are driving ourselves to that! - The difference between our state of affairs and a schizophrenics is (as hard as it may be to believe sometimes) we are in control!

Keep your head up bro and take it easy. "Don't take any guff from these swine."

EDIT: I do realise, by the way, there is nothing I have said that you probably haven't read or been told a million times but I feel we could all use as much "positive vibes" as possible. Peace.


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## _Gottlieb_ (Nov 6, 2011)

shitinmybrain said:


> The difference between our state of affairs and a schizophrenics is (as hard as it may be to believe sometimes) we are in control!


As I said before:

Schizo: They feel in control but they are NOT. 
We: We feel out of control but actually we ARE. (At least I hope so LOL)


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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

I know a few schizophrenics who can function have a girlfriend and a job. You won't be living with your mum. In fact you won't even get schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has nothing to do with with depersonalization disorder. You need to go on something or go somewhere and get therapy. The reason why you feel so bad is because of anxiety. The more you worry the worse the fears going to get and the worse your dp is going to get more than likely. So can you not see the spiral? I've been in the same situation as you. And I've come miles from back where I was. Go and get some therapy CBT anything. In my country you can get it on the free NHS or at least I did but it took about 3 months. And they eventually called up and i was almost myself (not now but still doing okay). You can't go on like this buddy. You're not going schizophrenic.


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## shitinmybrain (Dec 7, 2011)

Fluke said:


> I know a few schizophrenics who can function have a girlfriend and a job. You won't be living with your mum. In fact you won't even get schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has nothing to do with with depersonalization disorder. You need to go on something or go somewhere and get therapy. The reason why you feel so bad is because of anxiety. The more you worry the worse the fears going to get and the worse your dp is going to get more than likely. So can you not see the spiral? I've been in the same situation as you. And I've come miles from back where I was. Go and get some therapy CBT anything. In my country you can get it on the free NHS or at least I did but it took about 3 months. And they eventually called up and i was almost myself (not now but still doing okay). You can't go on like this buddy. You're not going schizophrenic.


I agree.

So you did CBT under NHS? Was it good and helpful? How did you go about starting it up etc? Just interested to know what it really entailed etc. Cheers!


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## _Gottlieb_ (Nov 6, 2011)

Jayd:

Do you have relatives who have Psychosis or SZ ?

My father has Psychosis and my aunt is diagnosed with SZ..... doesn't make it easier for me ^^


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

No there's no family history, my doctor says he's seen people that gets SZ with no family history or genectics


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

Jayd, you don't sound crazy to me. You write clearly and understandable. I've read so many well written posts on here, I think a lot of the people on here are very intelligent. My insight would be that many of us just share a similar thinking style, which is a style that often involves obsessing. Now, this is not necessarily good or bad, it just depends on what we are fixated on. We happen to be fixated on our perception.

I'm not trying to diagnose anyone. I totally understand just how crappy these thoughts can lead to feeling, and we're all unique individuals. I just offer this insight and hopefully it'll help someone.

I mean , I've already stated similar posts many times before, probably months ago, yet still feel a need to post again. heh, welp, that's obsessing....


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## _Gottlieb_ (Nov 6, 2011)

Jayd.

How do you feel. Still have those pseudo-paranoid thoughts?

I'm a bit better now. The thoughts are way fewer than they used to be.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

_Gottlieb_ said:


> Jayd.
> 
> How do you feel. Still have those pseudo-paranoid thoughts?
> 
> I'm a bit better now. The thoughts are way fewer than they used to be.


I feel REALLY tired right now, no energy...its pissing me off!

I'm probably doing a bit better. The thing with anxiety related stuff I think is that its's a 2 step forward 1 step back thing and you'll tend to have relapses. So for example, awhile ago I was probably doing worse but now I am getting better, and in a week or a day it could be worse again. Now that I think of it, work went very well today, the thoughts either didn't happen as much or they didn't create as much panic.


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