# the most misserable christmas yet



## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

gets worse every year...ive realised im not actually making progress,im becoming more and more lost as the years go by...
i have to be realistic now and accept that i am not getting better...this isnt me feeling sorry for myself or feeling down,but there is usally a hint of seasonal emotion and this year nothing at all...i dread the year ahead,and just hate this crap,there has to be a way out

happy christmas for those that are actually making the effort to enjoy..

no doubt next year will be worse (if im still around)


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2004)

i have been thinking the same exact things man

im just feeling depressed right now and I don't even know why? Tommorow is gonna be a great day of faking smiles & happiness!!

STRESSMAS TIME!

Man i miss the days when i was little, thinking Santa Clause really came to my house to drop off presents, Waking up extra early on Christmas morning and running downstairs to look at all of the presents I got. Going to my grandparents house & sleeping over with my cousins ( who i used to be very close to) Now we are all growing up and Christmas is just another day where I feel worse. WTF happened??


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## dreamcatcher (Sep 23, 2004)

congratulate me its my first anniversary or having dp  its been a rough year and i really hope i can try to enjoy 2morrow.....if not for me for the kids as what SB put is the exact same way my kids are......here i am at 22.55 and still cant do santa as the kids are awake....... :?


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2004)

whats 22.55???????


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2004)

I feel ya jc, soulbrotha. Hang in there bud, next year will be much better for us!


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2004)

I remember the joy of being a kid on christmas as well. I got every damn present you could get. Playstations, air hockey tables, ninja turtles, nintendos, basketball hoops, a computer. You can throw all that shit in the fire now. I just want my damn health back.


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## dreamcatcher (Sep 23, 2004)

nearly 11pm SB time for kids to be not seen but they are all far to excited so my dp will be worse tomoz with severe lack of sleep......but thats life i suppose


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## kenc127 (Aug 10, 2004)

Not feeling very Christmassy myself. This is my favorite holiday and it has turned out to be a curse. Goddamn this shit brain of mine.


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## Guest (Dec 24, 2004)

I've been indifferent to Christmas even before I had dp. My indifference has changed though. I know for a fact that I will hardly feel good tommorrow, but I will try to make Christmas for those around me somehow better. I spent 300 bucks so far on presents :| . I guess that spending money on other people is the only way i'm capable of spreading Christmas cheer.


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## Guest (Dec 25, 2004)

yea i have no motivation to even celebrate christmas, my family doesnt buy a tree or decorate or anything and i dont even care id feel guilty to be celebrating when i still have a problem, thats just the way i am i dont celeberate unless i could actually feel good while doing it.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

im not really depressed,emotionless scared but not depressed,the worse thing is i just feel like im on another planet...what makes it worse is i lose that normal pattern

you know the tv programmes are the same,everyone goes to work monday to friday,the shops keep regular hours,and i just obsess about how unsettled my mind feels and it gets me all worked up


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## JAG (Aug 31, 2004)

I think...


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## Guest (Dec 25, 2004)

The power went out where I lived for a couple days because of a huge ice storm. No heat and it was cold as all get out. That was an adventure. But this season is somewhat depressing for me, too.


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Though my girlfriend hates my negative thoughts...

I am soooooo depressed now too....this time last week I was feeling good. But ever since I started getting my DP/Depression really bad, the magic in my life has just slowly slid away. It's like all "magic" and feelings that we are normally supposed to feel, get overtaken by our DP, feelings of strangeness, thoughts of if things feel the same as they used to, if Xmas feels like it should, etc....etc....etc....It all goes back to the thinking too much.

But I went to church this evening with my family. Felt HORRIBLE. Didn't enjoy a single moment of it. All I did was think about how I felt. Same church I have been going to since I was little. Except nothing felt the same. All I could think about was how everyone around me seemed so happy and "in the Xmas spirit" and here I am, struggling to even get ONE smile out. All I wanted to be was at home asleep. Seriously. It is 11pm right now and all I want to do is sleep. So you know what. I'm just gonna go to sleep. Who cares that it is Xmas Eve and it is supposed to be one of the nicest evenings all year. I'm gonna end it like I end most of my days throughout the year and go to bed because I am so DPed and so out of it, that I feel I have no choince. Maybe I will magically gain some Xmas magic overnight and have some enjoyment tomorrow. Worth a shot I guess. Beats the alternative. 
Happy Holidays.

Kelson


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## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

Not a bad christmas for me, although I was extremely DP'ed I just tryed to enjoy being with my dad and family because I hardly get to see him. Spending time with them put smiles on my face and I'm gratefull for that.
Now I must sleep and wake up for Christmas Day!!!! Merry Christmas Everybody have a good one!!! ENJOY YOURSELF ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!


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## Guest (Dec 25, 2004)

the family will be arriving soon, and im feeling very anxious for some reason, Time to pop a Klonopin & hope i feel decent.


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Hmmmm, I'm feeling better then I have in a short while actually. 
Christmas is just so absurdly hilarious these days. I'm so bloody cynical and sarcastic, that I can barely conceal it.
My auntie gave me a phone book, and I said some sarcastic shit like 'Oh, I can finally throw that old fashioned cell phone away, thanks.' Fortunately she saw the funny side. The best part is once everyone's opened their presents and, clearly, been totally indifferent to them, then I always go away and wrap up something crap like a packet of sugar, and give it someone with the utmost sincerity. They're excited at first, then we all burst out laughing when they open it. It sounds lame, but I find it too damn funny for some reason.
Today my brothers and I spent most of the time trying to take a photo, which we were going to frame for my granny. For some reason in each picture, in out desperate effort to look 'nice' we ended up looking very strange. That was hilarious too for some reason.
I literally haven't laughed whatsoever since August, so this is all very good. :lol:


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## JasonFar (Aug 13, 2004)

Lol Axel, funny post.

Giving somebody a crap petty item gift-wrapped at the end of a session is a good idea, and I laughed at your re-telling of it, heh. Packet of sugar seems like the perfect, pathetic gift for that.

Trying to look happy for granny too, but coming off as alien or strange, lol. I just relate (me and my brother always crack up about it); even in my most happiest Christmas moments (well, past age 10 probably), there's always a fakey, gotta-look-happy conscious thought process in my head. Easy to become cynical about it when you're putting on a face every year.

:lol:


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## Guest (Dec 25, 2004)

This c-mas sucks too, I just try to keep by brain preoccupied...

Just remember, there may be a answer/cure for us soon! Medical Science is advancing all the time. As long as there is a little light at the end of the tunnel there is some hope......

I got my c-mas present of Xyrem today... Hopefully it will give me the first real nights sleep in 20yrs...


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Yes Jason, Christmas is bloody hilarious. I can't act sincere when I recieve presents anymore. I smile stiffly and say 'thankyou'. But somehow I have the will and the confidence to stand up to my dad when he's pissing me off. I'm not being bitter, but it's very satisfying when I manage to pull off a sarcastic quip with perfect timing that leaves the whole family in hysterics, after my dad makes a stupid comment about me spilling the gravy or something. 
I still think Christmas is special somehow. I mean if it can excavate some sort of emotional response out of this void of a mind, then it has to be. Yes you can put it down to a natural annual body clock or whatever, but somehow each Christmas in the middle of Winter (easily the worst tim eof year for me) something ever so slightly magical happens. Oh God, I can't believe I just used the word magical, I'm too cynical for that. But whether sarcastics and slightly absurd humour is what gets you off or playing video games till you have a psychotic break, or eating chocolate till your face is pimpled to perfection, then now is the time of year to indulge.
I still don't get those people who get excited about the more associative side of Christmas. What I mean by associative side, is the little things that one associates with Christmas, that aren't, in my opinion, really a significant part of Christmas. Consumerism and mass purchasing is a major part of Christmas and it is fun. Seeing all your family together is a major part of Christmas, and can be fun. The afforemention over indulging is a major part also, and is usually fun too. These things are fun, unless you're really depressed, like most of us here.
But I hate all the decorations and the crappy movies and the suicide inducing 'tv specials' and the songs. What's annoying is when people confuse these things with Christmas, like they really matter. I'm sorry but they're just so fucking childish. Putting up a Christmas tree is a predictable and tiresome affair. Oh, and going to church DOESN'T ADD MEANING TO CHRISTMAS UNLESS YOU'RE A PRACTISING CHRISTIAN. So please if you don't go to church the rest of the year, and happily see Jesus as 'just another historical' figure, who is more often the basis of a crap joke than an actual metaphysical entity, then don't go to church at Christmas!!!!! Basically it just annoys me when an adult is able to enjoy Christmas in the same way as a child, but then I am a cynical bastard.
For a brief period everything sort of came together again. Not in a false 'I'm cured!!!!' sort of way, but more I was able to see through the haze of shit that clouds my existence, through to what life was and still is. It reminded me of how damn good this year has been, apart from the second weed smoking incident in September, and the hellish months that followed. Importantly I think I am able to connect with what made me recover 90% before.
[/b]


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

Oh and it's funny the way your family generalize your interests. For some reason I'm still seen as the 'science-y one', even though I got bored of science years ago when I realized it didn't actually involve dinosaurs or time travel. Yet my family still give me books related to science, and it's 'any science', not even cool popular science. The fucking biography of a 14th century Italian astronomer who I've never heard of, as if I'm gonna' read that.


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## falling_free (Nov 3, 2004)

My christmas hasn't been that too bad actually, Iv'e been feeling in a lot better way than I was about a week ago and I have'nt been exatacly revellling in christmas sprit I did enjoy yesterday, It even decided to snow where I live yesterday and snow well as well, so had a good snowball fight and I dunno why but doing something as simple as that made my dp/dr lift consideberelly.


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## Guest (Dec 26, 2004)

Today was actually a pretty good day, Although i felt weird as usual, I didn't really feel bad. It was good seeing my cousins and other family.

Merry Christmas


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## Guest (Dec 26, 2004)

It wasn't too bad for me either. Although I did feel very detached and out of my body and all that stuff, I tried hard to focus on my family and the happiness they were feeling and at times I felt myself laughing. If I could just not think about how strange it is to exist in this body and stop questioning everything that I do.. I think I would be ok. Feeling dp just causes everything to be strange so it's so hard to feel enjoyment, peace, or just relaxed.

Anyway.. hope you all got through it ok.. 
Merry Christmas


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

i love giving gifts i HATE recieving. so ive never given any truly crappy gifts.. but one year i played a prank that was pretty mean. :twisted:

my cousin andrew was about 7 at the time.. and he wanted a new game for his playstation it was like 50 bucks.. so i got it but for the entire month before christmas i told him that because he was such an little as$hole, i was just gonna give him a box of lava rocks. and that santa was gonna put lava rocks in his stocking. which is pretty cruel but he was a fricken monster and didnt deserve gifts.. but of course he got showered every year. the week before christmas i put this HUGE box under the tree for him. it was too heavy to lift and solid so he thought it was a powerwheels or sommat like that and he was soooo excited.. but he kept pushing me to tell him wether or not it was lava rocks. "of course not andrew.. i spent alot of money on that gift you better appreciate it. (mua a a a a ahhhh!)" :wink:

little did he know that in that box was this HUGE boulder.. it took me and 3 friends to lift it. when christmas came i made andrew open my gift last even though he was so dying to open it first.. but i told him to save the best for last. well when he opened it and saw that big f#cking rock he threw the hugest tantrum i ever saw and proceeded to beat the crap out of me with all his might. he was so furious. when he finally calmed down i told him to check the box again.. and hidden in the stuffing around the rock was his real present. he looked very sheepish and wiped his tears away and thanked me.. but it was too late the milk was spilt and i felt so bad! i like punking people.. but that one went to far and i didnt realize just how much he believed in me and i screwed him over. ill never forgive myself for that.


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## Guest (Dec 26, 2004)

^ thats cruel

lol


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## Guest (Dec 27, 2004)

Christmas used to be a happy time for me. I've never been one to spread Christmas cheer, but rather become possessed by greed and selfishness. My usual orgy of presents was replaced (karma?) this year by an attempt at tapping into some sort of conscience I may have had. Anyway, I don't feel good about spending more than I have recieved, and later that night, Jesus, Santa or whoever took a big filthy shit in my face for my misgivings of Christmas past.

I arrive at a Christmas party with my personal bottle of jagermeister which i had been drinking for 5 hours previous. This is a crappy story, so i'll just skip to the crappy parts...DP kicks in hard, can barely function around high school crush who was paying me attention, drink insane amounts to make up for lack of confidance and sheer retardation. I escape the clutches of the party into my car to ride out the worst anxiety attack i've had in months and feel sick on gallons of liqour and random unhealthy foods i'd ingested. This may have been my worst anxiety attack ever due to the intrusive thoughts that would not escape. It got bad with the generalized suicidal thoughts and then progressed into answering the question: What is the most convienant and simple way to kill myself?. I then passed out in the car in my tshirt where it was about 20 degrees, as my prude brother took the keys away from me. 

Oh well, I feel much better right now, and i've been playing Metal Gear Solid 3, and watched The Life Aquatic with a good friend so i'm a'ight right now.


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## Guest (Dec 27, 2004)

So what are you trying to say, that the massive drinking binge led you to see The life acquatic? Only a person who is intoxicated could survive a movie as terrible as that. Hell, I was sober when I saw it. Can you imagine the horror!


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## Guest (Dec 27, 2004)

^^ lol i hate bill murray's new movies there so stupid and that big boulder story cracked me up


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## shadowness (Sep 12, 2004)

this was my first christmas with dp and dr and i hated it...

all the family keep saying how much better i look and not understanding what it feels like to be totally detached from oneself and everything else...

everyday is so hard to get through at the moment...

i hope to God i do not spend next christmas feeling this way...

i know i have not had dp/dr for that long (8 months now i think) but it would be nice to have at least 5 minutes not feeling like this...

i cannot stand having this all day everyday...everything around me just seems like it is not really there...just me imagining everything...

i am going to shut up now before i freak myself out even more talking about it...


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Was just reading everyone's Christmas stories, thought I would share what I've been doing for the break. Writing from Washington DC at the moment, came up to spend New Year's Eve at the Capitol and at Alexandria, Virginia's First Night. Its been a pretty good time. The Spy Museum here in Washington was one of the best attractions we visited...almost as good as the Smithsonian. I'm here with roommates from college...but I know my life isnt where it needs to be yet. Its great hanging out with the guys, but I could really use some romance in my life right now. Just seeing the beautiful college girls walking around with their boyfriends makes me seethe with jealousy...okay, enough about poor me.

Thought I would share a story from my own Christmas's growing up. My parents are the Catholic versions of Quakers. Not easy people to get along with. Anyways, they had a relgious renewal when I was about 9 and decided to throw out our televison set. Okay, cool, I can live with that. I might miss some Ducktales episodes, but nothing I cant adapt to. Well, they keep getting more radical and next year when I turn 10 they decide that giving gifts on Christmas is too materialistic, I mean, after all, its not OUR birthday, right? Well, this was their twisted logic anyways. We didnt get Christmas gifts from 10-18. And my parents actually werent even on speaking terms with my grandparents because they wanted to give their grandchildren christmas gifts. That has got to be the lamest excuse for cutting off ties with relatives that I have heard. One of my big fights in our house was actually about bringing back christmas gifts. It, along with other personality differences and my dp, eventually forced me out of our house. I kind of have a knack for patiently "crusading" for issues for years, and I finally won over my parents, who now give Christmas gifts to my 9 year old sister and 11 year old brother. I get gifts again, too, and although they do buy pretty lame gifts, I appreciate my parents efforts. I also blamed alot of my anxiety issues on my parents, and although they still deny any blame, I know that the way they are raising my little bro and sis is in the most part because of my DP. In a way, it probably saved their childhood. Only problem is, half of my Christmas's never really existed....oh well. Just have to remedy that when I have a family of my own. Just have to find a girl first!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and much

Peace
Homeskooled


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Homeskooled,

I know you are going to find _that_ girl when you are least expecting it. That's when it always happens. And the other thing I know...you are going to create a wonderful family when it is time. It is amazing how you can change your past and create just the future you want. Just you wait...it's gonna be grand!

Always enjoy reading whatever it is you're writing about.
terri


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

I'm sorry JC, I got sidetracked from your original post. I wish there was some kind of magical something I could do that would keep you up on top of the heap. You have had some really good moments this year, JC. Please hold on to those. They will come around again. And when they do, just accept them for maybe being as good as it gets. You can work with this. You have and you know you can.

Best wishes for coming 'round again.
terri


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