# Truly ill or just an idiot?



## WonderWoman (Dec 13, 2014)

I have to go with I'm an idiot! Mostly neurotic, with a twist of idiot, not ashamed of that, it's what I do???? I will be posting my story in depth, how it started and how it's ending, when I get to my desktop but I am here to tell you, count me in as one of the initially skeptical "I'm brain damaged or dying" yet discovered there is no denying this is ALL fear of this BEHAVIOR. I've dealt with dp/SEVERE dr since August 28th, and it has been a completely unecessary nightmare that I perpetuated out of fear/worry/stress/nervous breakdown/anxiety/obsession, whatever you want to call it, it's pretty much any or all of those. I'm not going to write a book or set up a website, so you'll get in on the secret "cure" free of charge! Because that's how WonderWoman rolls ????


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## Guest (Dec 22, 2014)

I agree with this to an extent, however to almost say it's your fault doesn't jive well with me. A human mind has so many facets and nooks and crannies that we don't even know about yet. How can we say we did this to ourselves? Granted, if we weren't to think the way we do, maybe we wouldn't have had this issue. However, I know when it first hit me, i wasn't thinking about anything in general, it was simply a reaction to stress and anxiety. My mind took over. The mind is too powerful for us sometimes. I'm interested to read what you have on the subject though, thank you.

Jeff


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## WonderWoman (Dec 13, 2014)

Jeff said:


> I agree with this to an extent, however to almost say it's your fault doesn't jive well with me. A human mind has so many facets and nooks and crannies that we don't even know about yet. How can we say we did this to ourselves? Granted, if we weren't to think the way we do, maybe we wouldn't have had this issue. However, I know when it first hit me, i wasn't thinking about anything in general, it was simply a reaction to stress and anxiety. My mind took over. The mind is too powerful for us sometimes. I'm interested to read what you have on the subject though, thank you.
> 
> Jeff


Hey Jeff, thanks for your reply. A little background on me...I just turned 40, literally days after my craziness occurred. Let me preface ALL of this by saying, I depersonalized as young as the age of 5. I was with my babysitter, playing with all of the other children, literally playing and in my own little world and I remember thinking, whoa, I just felt so weird! I dismissed it and went along playing with the other children. After that, while I do recall it happening again periodically, it wasn't a big deal and I was almost intrigued by this almost hypnotic state of mind. Fast forward to 8th grade, I had A LOT of weight upon my shoulders. I was an honors student, president of FHA (kids reading this will possibly have no idea what that is, it is Future Homemakers of America, Home Ec, basically), student office aid, student aid for PE, cheerleader, library aid and finally, I had a job after school/cheerleading practice. One day while sitting in 8th grade math, it happened again. This time, while still intriguing, it was a bit frightening. Well, look at all of the responsibilities I had on me at just the age of 14! I would get up, go to school, make good grades, practice cheerleading from 3:10 to 5:00, go to my job at 5:30 until 10-10:30pm, sometimes later, and still have mounds of homework and/or projects. The DP/DR began happening on a daily basis, ONLY in math class. It was almost like I began to expect it like clockwork.

Throughout the years, it would happen off and on if I were in uncomfortable situations. As you can probably conclude from the above background info, I was a nerd in my formative years. I had zero social skills. Not that I didn't or couldn't socialize, I was just very good at hiding my social anxiety. The DP/DR NEVER bothered me, I knew it was pretty much anxiety.

So, fast forward to this past August. I was diagnosed in 2004 with Hashimoto's which is an autoimmune thyroid disease. I had suffered actually 2 decades before diagnosis. If I had to guess, it started around the age of 14 and so I was diagnosed at the age of 30. I had a very hard struggle finding someone to diagnose me. I was told it was depression (absolutely not depression, as by this time, I was married with a wonderful husband, our dream home and our 3rd child had just been born). My weight went from the 120's to literally over 200 lbs in 3 months time after giving birth to our 3rd child. I was told I was eating too much, to eat lots of apples and go on the Atkins diet. You can IMAGINE the frustration and anxiety of this, because I thought I was dying. I thought I had cancer or some other terminal illness that would never be found. My hair was falling out in clumps, I was in pain everywhere, I slept 14-16 hours a day, I could not cook or clean or do anything really. I was pretty much bedridden by this disease. I was finally diagnosed and put on Synthroid which is a synthetic form of the hormone T4. It didn't seem to help at all. Things actually seemed to get worse. TMI, probably, but I began bleeding for 11 months straight and became anemic on top of everything else. I finally found a dr willing to put me on a different thyroid replacement, Armour, which contains both hormones that the thyroid gland makes, T4 and T3 and BAM, answered prayers and my life began to turn around for the better. Over the next 3 years, I had lost over 80 lbs, lifted weights 4-5 times per week, cardio 3 times per week, ate extremely healthy, volunteered at the schools my kids attended....I finally became the mother I had always imagined I could be.

This past August, I had a blemish on my face that was extremely painful. I did what I had always done in these situations...sterilized a needle and attempted to extract it myself. Well, that didn't turn out well for me. It became infected and turned into MRSA. I went to the derm to have it lanced. I received a steroid injection, an antibiotic injection (Rocephin) along with a Rx for Bactrim. I have a childhood friend who is a nurse and I corresponded with her about how to care for this infection, I mean it was on my FACE. The infection seemed to respond immediately to the injections so I messaged her for an opinion on starting the Bactrim. I am so anti-antibiotic. She said yes and then began to tell me all of the side effects to look out for and get straight to a Dr if I developed any of these. And so started the crazy. I googled this antibiotic, and OH MY WORD! First off, it is one of the biggest medications implicated with Steven Johnson's syndrome. Basically, it eats your skin away and those who live through it have to stay in intensive care burn unit for weeks. I did not want to take this medication but everyone I talked to said if it were them, they would. I waited a week to take it, the anxiety over taking it was insane. My first day dose, I began to have visual problems. By the second day, I had the worst headache of my life and by the 3rd day, my mouth, nose and skin was so dry and I did have a slight rash on my hands and could not eat one bite of food without feeling sick to my stomach. Well, this is when things really got out of hand. I went to the ER, they said it was NOT Steven Johnsons, in fact they could see no signs of an allergic reaction at all. But where were all of these symptoms coming from???? At that point, the DP/DR began. I was pacing around my house, sure I was dying. I went to the ER again with an extremely high heart rate and felt as though I couldn't breathe. I was actually taken by ambulance this time and the medic asked me if I had a problem with anxiety. I thought about it and answered "yeah, a little", still not registering that what I was experiencing was the mother of all panic attacks! I still thought I was dying. Convinced.

What I didn't know until recently....for whatever reason, my thyroid levels had gotten thrown off. Most of the symptoms I was experiencing had everything to do with that. Basically, I have learned that there are many different levels, if you will, of DP/DR. The level that I went into was not even close to what I had experienced previously throughout my life. The more I concentrated on this feeling and associated it with certain death, the worse it became. It wasn't until a few weeks ago, I finally resigned to the idea, if I were in fact dying, I would not die 4 months later from a reaction to these medications. This is when the level of DP/DR decreased. As I have worked with myself over the last several weeks, it decreased more and more.

While it is true, distraction is the key, it's not that simple. I have to say that again, it is NOT simple. People like us, I honestly believe, can have a million thoughts running through our minds at once, all while even engaging in some physical task. Extreme multi-taskers, to an extent. So this makes it nearly IMPOSSIBLE to stop having feelings about it. Hence, neurotic. Mine is worse in social settings. The minute I would walk through my front door, I could feel it disappearing. I don't think there is some magnetic field or electrical static that is interfering with my brain only when I walk out my front door. The problem is in my thought pattern.

It is extremely important to keep on top of not just the mental well being with this, but the physical. With thyroid disease, you do know SOMETHING is wrong, but when you have doctors telling you they can find nothing, it's disheartening and confusing. I do not believe thyroid disease ITSELF causes DP/DR, I believe the anxiety over feeling like you are dying, this could be ANYTHING, even a simple panic attack (and I was near myxedema coma at the time of diagnosis) can bring this about. So when you place yourself in a situation to bring about the DP/DR (and I can't even imagine what people who never experienced it before must be feeling about DP/DR when it happens) you begin focusing on that feeling of unreality and truly believe something is wrong.

To those suffering, I just want to leave you with this....for me, battling this behavior/thought is a lot like dieting. You are going to slip up, it doesn't dissipate in a linear pattern. You won't just wake up and feel normal. You cannot continue the neurotic thought process. More times than not, if I just trusted the process of dieting without getting all worked up over hey, I did this and that and this and everything else everyone has said to do and nothing has changed, success followed. IT TAKES PRACTICE. Eventually, things will fall into place. To those who DO have health issues, whether it be mental or physical, get it sorted out. Don't just go to the dr and let them say "you're levels of XYZ are normal". Get copies of your lab work and study them. For instance, with thyroid disease there is a range for thyroid stimulating hormone. This is not an actual hormone made by the thyroid, but from a signal that is sent from the pituitary to the thyroid gland to say hey, make more hormone or hey, slow it down. TSH ranges anywhere from .3-5.5 on most lab results. What a lot of people do not know is TSH should never be above 2ish. That is suspect of thyroid disease. But because all of these patients are falling "in the range" at say, 3.5, they are dismissed. Research has shown that normal people without thyroid disease have a circulating TSH of around 1-2. Don't let dr's jerk you around. If you are a minor, talk with your parents about researching whatever health issue is believed to be going on and let your parent be your voice. We are not stupid, we know when we don't feel normal. It could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency, even. Or, as in my case, a pretty serious thyroid disease that can wreak so much havoc on the body over time. Whatever the case, the body must be in balance or I can assure you, anxiety will rear its ugly head and unfortunately for some of us, land us suffering with DP/DR.

To all who have taken the time to read this, thanks and take care of yourselves.


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## WonderWoman (Dec 13, 2014)

Oh, and I wanted to add...especially to the young ones on here, I have a 20 year old daughter so reading your stories truly breaks my heart. STOP doing drugs! Unless you have a medical condition which requires you to take medication, just leave the illegal drugs alone. We are highly sensitive people, especially emotionally. And no, I'm not calling us fragile or weak, we are just more in tune with our feelings. Too much at times but that is what makes us so unique. You have so many positive things to do with your time than on a whim out of boredom or whatever reason it is you have to engage in such negative past-time as drug use. Life is so beautiful and we are all such positive energies walking amongst each other. Do something positive like change someone's attitude from hopeless to inspired. Dig deep and find whatever it is you are using drugs to fill that void. None of us were ever promised life would be easy. Like me, some of you have been forced to face real world problems way too early. I know this is all sounding like super grandma, but each and every one of us here have the ability live as positive influences on one another no matter the cards we've been dealt. After I came back from that horrific dark place 10 yrs ago with my thyroid disease, I made it up in my mind I was going to help others suffering and make a difference and I haven't changed a bit, this experience with dp/dr has not changed who I am. Which is why I'm even on this site, just being who I am and to hopefully help just one person understand you're not alone, you are stronger than you think and you will overcome this in your own way and time.


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

WonderWoman,
Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Jml02 (Jan 19, 2015)

I have hashimoto as well! Have you looked into adrenal fatigue? There is a huge connection! If you'd like more info I'm not on here often (I hope not to be) check out the fb page called hashimotos 411 ..great info


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