# Chasing something that does not exist



## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

sometimes it feels this way. My life has had its shares of downs definitly, and ups as well. Though sometimes its hard to appreciate those good memories, they almost get burried under that pile of garbage.

This will sound quite dramatic of me, but its the reality as i see it. DP has followed me relentlessly, Growing up, I always wondered what was wrong with me. As young as I can remember, ive had this feeling. As a small child even, I kept by myself, blaming myself for feeling this way. You keep on hoping next year will be better, build your hopes up. sometimes life seems to be alright, until you come back to your bedroom each night to witness this horror. I dont know how it feels like to walk w/out DP, go out w/out DP. I dont know how my interactions with the world would have been w/out DP.

Im still young, im 25, but after years of coping with this, it has become the only reality i have known on this earth. i never had an existential period, i dont feel like i dont know myself when i look at the mirror. i dont have much to compare DP to, as ive never been on the other side long enough to understand it.

To that extent, i feel like im chasing something that does not exist. I know this is not "normal". I did heal one time, for two weeks, i dont remember feeling this depth of emotions in my life before. it was something from a sci fi movie. I miss that person. I dont wish to be someone else, i just wish to be my true self. more so than heal for me, i want to heal in order to give back to the world. Be a part of the world. were not some self loathing selfish bunch, we want to heal because we want to integrate without faking it. im done with faking, i want the real reality now.

i have to find the cure somehow, i just have to. its out there, im sure of it. this need not be treated as a mystery or some mystic state. its a condition.

I just want out, please lets all work together for the sake of finding a cure. im willing to do anything it takes.


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## ripeorrotten (Jan 14, 2010)

solaris,
this is exactly how i feel today. i don't have the energy in me right now to add to this.. all i want to say is that i too will do anything to find a cure. i want to feel alive and secure. i can't say in words how badly.


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## landrethr (Feb 4, 2010)

I so much agree with both of you!! We will find a cure and we will get better, I know it!!


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## Guest (Feb 5, 2010)

rachel_f said:


> I so much agree with both of you!! We will find a cure and we will get better, I know it!!


I understand what you are saying. I read recently that transcranial magnetic stimulation is very good in helping dp. In 2 patients out of like 10 it took dp away and for the others it significantly improved symptoms.


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