# I'm so bad I need help feel like quitting right now



## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

Hey I have been posting a bit here recently, I am so bad again, after a few weeks of still constant, I was trying to be positive, but I am just struggling again so bad. I feel so out of it, I feel so high/drunk 24/7, I hardly know what is going on around me, who I am, if I am even alive, my family all look like strangers, I questions things I have done today and wonder of they even happened, I get real freak outs over the thought this is my life and I am alive. I feel so strange and the old Paul is one million miles away. It has been 4 months of this hell, I'm sitting here crying on my own, I really feel like giving up. I am so out of it. I here all these people suffering for years on end, I cannot take this for years I would rather die. I really need help. I seen my therpaist this morning, I seen her for 20 mins tand our next appointment is one month away. What good is that. My doctor has just thrown me prozac, that has maybe helped with depression, but not dp/dr, thats the whole reason i'm depressed. It's nearly christmas time i'm usually so happy but I am so sad, I hate living like this, I try and be positive but I'm struggling, I read the advice I get given on here and struggle to take it in as my derealization is so intense. I don't know what to do anymore living like this constantly  I've had enough of it can someone help me please.

Thanks I really need it


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## AimlessH (Dec 14, 2009)

It can be really overwhelming, especially if this is your first bout of dp/dr.
My first episode occured when I was very young, I didn't have any responsibilites or pressures, thankfully. 
I was petrified, I thought of ending it all, what if this was going to be the rest of my life.

It doesn't have to be. And you dont' have to end your life to find releife.

It took me 12 years to realize how I could over come my feelings of derealization. You have to stop obsessing. You have to live your life. If you have troublesom intrusive thoughts block them out. Insist "This isn't something I need to be thinking about." It really isn't. 
Ignorance IS bliss, when it comes to DP/DR. I was fearful for a long time that I wouldn't be able to regain that sense of blissful ignorance. I have though. I've proven to myself time and time again it can be done. Since age 9 I've had about 4 or more episodes of DR, lasting anywhere from 2 to 10 months each.

You have to try and live your life. You can regain that sense of normalicy. Get into a routine. Keep busy, keep your mind occupied. Whatever you do, DON'T get swept up in your anxiety. There are medications(I try not to reccomend these) to help ease your anixety if you feel it's beyond you and there is also various types of therapies. Dialectic Behavioural Therapy helped me a lot.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

yeah i'm totally getting sucked into dp/dr deeper and deeper, it consumes my every thought and is a constant battle. I just feel like I have made no recovery or progress and it just seems to be never ending struggle to get through every day. I hear all these stories of people suffering for years on end 24/7, if i felt like this for years I could not live at all full stop. What would be the point in living a life where I feel like going to a hospital every minute of every day. I had flashes as a kid, now and again, when I was 12 I had about a two month episode, not as bad though, then over the years maybe just a few days but was okay. This has been extreme though never felt anything close to this. I hope it can just pass in time, I don't want to live a like this, I have gave up everything due to how I have been feeling. I really hope this is a episode and not a long lastig (years) hell.

I think I could do with a benzo to get me by is this wise or will I just get addicted and this will cause further issues.

Thank you for your reply hope your well.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

aaaah yet again feel even worse tonight, I actually don't know where the hell I am half the time, I hardly know if I am still alive it is soo scary and soo persistant, I'm struggling to cope. I went to the doctors this morning who was clueless and just threw me some antipsychotics that I really don't want to take, I am on przac but it is doing nothing, I am struggling real bad I can't cope much longer, I just need to lie in my bed face in pillow for the night. I need to go back to my doctor tomorrow and get help, maybe some xanax or klonpin will relieve some pain, I need help soon, I can't live like this much longer


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

The benzos really do help and from what I've experienced they work better than just about anything. I've always liked the Xanax rather than Klonopin, but everyone's different. The antidepressants made me feel much worse since they increased the anxiety 10-fold, then I had to get drunk all the time to settle down from that. Please go to another doctor for a second opinion. This doc is seriously just trying anything on you and doesn't seem to understand this dissociative problem--I could be wrong, just my take on it. I had DP when I was very young and if you keep searching for the answers to overcome it, you will. Also, there is much advice on this site about taking vitamins, supplements, etc. I do take good vits. that I found work for me as well as magnesium (and calcium) at bedtime. I feel it's VERY important to get good counseling to overcome the trauma of this horrendous malady. I've been through intensive counseling and you really can be happy and live with it until it disappears, everyone's different--some people recover quickly, some slower.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

thanks for your support Rebekah, how are you feeling? Yes I am having a horrid time with dp/dr I just want to stay in bed constantly, I have just visited my doctors, I didn't receive any benzos but I have been put through to see a psychiatrist which is great, probably in a week or two, into the new year. Hope he can assess me and give me a little relief as I can't live longer like this


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

What makes you think that we people who have suffered for years are any stronger or better than you, or that you are worse than us in some way? I'll tell you what, it is the DP that makes you think this way. I had a good 3-4 years of thinking I was the one who wouldn't get better, not being able to see a way out and that I wasn't making progress, however it is a bit like when a kid grows up - the parent doesn't really see it because they see them all the time but someone who doesn't see the kid for a while will comment on how much they've grown. It does take time perserverance and patience unfortunately, but you WILL reach a turning point - however it takes work and a lot of crappy times to get there - you really do have to take your focus away from how you're feeling and not make recovery your sole purpose/daily goal. Distract yourself in any and every way you can and live as normally as you can. Read my post in the recovery section for more in depth help. You aren't alone and you WILL recover, but in a way it is out of your hands in that you cannot control the feelings or recovery, however you do have the ability to distract yourself and make positive changes in your life.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

thanks guest123 it is very nice of you to come back and help others, are you 100% recovered? well done anyway, I was just curious as to how people could cope for years like this? I can hardly do anything really, it couldn't be like that for years? I'm not asking to even be 100% just even like 40, 50% better so I could function and feel waaay out of it. I know it is going to take time, the the quote you mentioned about children growing up is a very good point, I thought about it and it makes sense, it is soo hard to see any progress, I can't pin point any % at all. I just need to keep trying to get by just now I suppose.

Thanks


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

I'm doing well. I work at a full-time job, own my own home, and get up early every day and do take care of myself. I've learned to continue to have the correct attitude about this, which is: it's just a chemical imbalance in your brain--like. . . your brain is just playing tricks on you, and many people do snap out of it in one way or another. I was diagnosed with severe DP (dissociative disorder) decades ago before I got real help through counseling. Everyone is different with this problem. I spent many years running from it, since no one knew what it was all those early years and I suffered in silence and drowned it in booze. I don't drink alcohol now and haven't for years. I am wondering what else is going on in your life right now? Many of us use DP as a cover for other more troubling circumstances, such as, emotional abuse. We become DP'd when someone in the real world is perceived as being threatening and intolerable to our existence. Could there be something like that occurring with you? I spent many years with people who trampled my independence and self-esteem--trying to kill my soul and spirit. I'm a sensitive person, and cannot tolerate abuse! Now, I'm in their face--standing up to them, rather then letting them destroy me. Now that I am my own person and don't allow it, I'm feeling fine, most days, but DP again when I am feeling threatened, until I handle it adequately. DP is a symptom of something else that is quashing us.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

Well done on your life you sound like you are very successful and have overcame a lot. I don't have any problems in my life at all that I can think off, I was never abused, I am fairly confident and outgoing, I have a great family, friends and girlfriend. O have a bad history of anxiety, with panic attacks, obsessive thinking, but I lived a happy life and kept busy. I think it all boils down to anxiety for me, some factors may have led to it, such as a break up with the girlfriend in the summer, long nights out drinking and medication (antibiotics) which i was taking when it all started over 4 months ago. I guess I need to try keep my head high, I am seeing a psychiatrist in a few weeks. I do need help though as at times I feel like life isn't worth living like this, I hardly know who and where I am, I understand it is a safety mechanism from deep thinking and anxiety but it is soo horrific I can't seem to accept this fact.


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

bigpmcd said:


> thanks guest123 it is very nice of you to come back and help others, are you 100% recovered? well done anyway, I was just curious as to how people could cope for years like this? I can hardly do anything really, it couldn't be like that for years? I'm not asking to even be 100% just even like 40, 50% better so I could function and feel waaay out of it. I know it is going to take time, the the quote you mentioned about children growing up is a very good point, I thought about it and it makes sense, it is soo hard to see any progress, I can't pin point any % at all. I just need to keep trying to get by just now I suppose.
> 
> Thanks


That is all you can do, take it one day, one hour even one second at a time and don't worry about the future, seriously, it doesn't do any good.
I don't know about 'cope' , most days I spent half my time at work in the toilet trying to think myself out of it, before I knew better, or in tears. My head was like a flat 2D space for years. However I did force myself to carry on living life as normally as possible no matter how awful I felt.
I'm probably about 99% now, to the point where I can ignore it a lot better - you will find this, it takes a long time but you do one day realise that you didn't spend all day thinking about DP and how you felt. I guess it is like retraining yourself to live without obsessing how you feel - it feels really fake and forced for a long time but then one day it kind of starts to merge with being naturally like that. Hard one to explain.
Good luck anyway, I hope I've not sounded harsh but sometimes a little straight talking is necessary with this thing - my parents basically got fed up with me moaning and self pitying after 3 years of it and that gave me the kick I needed to make the changes required. It was 4 years ago on around 8th November that I had the seizure that started the whole thing and I reckon I'll be totally ok by the end of January.


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

Relationship breakups can be very hard to overcome, for sure, and the depression they bring on can put you into DP-land. I think eventually I just got "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and started deciding it wasn't going to consume me. It seems to have worked that way for me, somewhat.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

thanks guest123 you speak the most sense out of just about anyone who knows about dp/dr. It has just turned xmas here it is 12.24 I'm trying so hard to fight back tears constantly I don't want to spoil my families xmas  I'm trying though it is hard, I will probably end up crying myself to sleep which I hate the thought of on xmas eve. I dislike adding these negative posts to the board, I like reading positive posts, so i'm sorry for contributing to negativity. Merry Christmas, I wish all the best.


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## bigpmcd (Nov 16, 2009)

I agree Rebekah, thanks for your thoughts, i'm trying so hard. I am seeing a psychiatrist in a few weeks so hope I can gain some relief as I don't want to live like this much longer, I can't . All the best have a lovely Christmas


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