# in a really bad place right now. all advice welcomed



## skaasm (Apr 7, 2010)

i am very new to this site. just found it yesterday. but the reason i found it was because my dp hit me really hard and really fast yesterday
what im about to say is pretty personal, but i have no one really to talk to about it. i need to get it out of my system, and i thought you all might be of help

well, about five months ago i was diagnosed with an incurable std. i'm 19 years old. all fingers point to this one kid (i'll call him Craig) who gave me this lovely disease. i never figured out for certain if it was him, because i am too scared to ask him about it. anyhow, i stopped talking to him for a while, obviously i was upset-i felt like dying. but he's been determined to keep talking to me. he has various mental disorders as well, and we've connected on levels deeper than anyone else i know. but i mean, i can't help but hate him. he gave me an incurable disease that has seriously affected my life, forever. we've been talking occasionally. whenever we've talked it's always been about dying or escaping this hell hole (exciting i know!) but i haven't seen him since i found out i had an std, which was in november.

yesterday i found out that Craig had fallen from an abandoned hotel, five stories up. he is in the hospital. both femurs broken. ribs broken. fractured skull. brain swelling. lacerations all over. he didn't die. he is expected to recover in 6 months.

i have no way of getting in touch with him. and even if i did, what would i say. if he is the one who cursed me with this disease, then karma really is a bitch. i hate him so much, but i still really care. we are like the same person. all of his friends think i'm a psycho. none of them like me. and none of my friends know who is he. i have no one to talk to about this. i just don't know how to feel right now. i want to see him but i don't. it's so easy for his friends to express what they feel. "oh craig we love you! get better asap! you're the strongest kid we know!" blah blah blah. what do i say? "you get what you deserve? but i'm sorry?"

my dp is in full swing. and i really don't want this to last through his whole recovery..6 months? i might die.
words cannot explain where i'm at mentally right now. please. if any of you have experienced something equally confusing and painful, please offer any advice you might have. anything. i can't escape this situation, no matter how much my dp is trying to take me away from it, i'm physically still here.

peace&hope.
meg


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## Guest (Apr 9, 2010)

skaasm said:


> i am very new to this site. just found it yesterday. but the reason i found it was because my dp hit me really hard and really fast yesterday
> what im about to say is pretty personal, but i have no one really to talk to about it. i need to get it out of my system, and i thought you all might be of help
> 
> well, about five months ago i was diagnosed with an incurable std. i'm 19 years old. all fingers point to this one kid (i'll call him Craig) who gave me this lovely disease. i never figured out for certain if it was him, because i am too scared to ask him about it. anyhow, i stopped talking to him for a while, obviously i was upset-i felt like dying. but he's been determined to keep talking to me. he has various mental disorders as well, and we've connected on levels deeper than anyone else i know. but i mean, i can't help but hate him. he gave me an incurable disease that has seriously affected my life, forever. we've been talking occasionally. whenever we've talked it's always been about dying or escaping this hell hole (exciting i know!) but i haven't seen him since i found out i had an std, which was in november.
> ...


Hi Meg,

I'm Sarah. My daugher's name is Meg. Something that immediately popped out, and please forgive me for being so blunt, especially in your delicate state, but you are placing ALL of the blame on getting the STD on him. The thing is, it takes two people to have sex. I don't know if you got this std from unprotected sex or not but the truth of the matter is that when you have sex, you are making the decision that you are willing to accept all of the risks that come along with that. Those being stds and pregnancy. I know that this is hard to hear but I think that you need to look at your part in getting this disease and realize that it isn't all his fault. You participated in sexual activity with him and so you need to accept that you are equally at fault for allowing yourself to be exposed.

That being said, I think that the key word here is FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is a choice. Yes, you have an std. That sucks but just like dp, there is nothing you can do about it now. So you are left with two roads. Are you going to take the road you are already on and be bitter and resentful and feel like crap or are you going to FREE YOURSELF of all of the pain and emotional baggage and make the choice to forgive. Someone doesn't have to ask for you to forgive them. You can make that decision all on your own. You don't have to forgive for anyone's benefit but your own. You may still be angry at him and that will be a daily battle but the truth of the matter, and something I posted about recently is that bitterness is something that consumes your soul. It spreads to your mind and affects you emotionally, mentally, and physically. By hanging onto all of that, you are poisoning yourself. So make the decision to let it go. Don't let it have a hold on you anymore. Accept the consequences of your actions and no longer allow them to hold you captive. Chose to live in peace.


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## skaasm (Apr 7, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> Hi Meg,
> 
> I'm Sarah. My daugher's name is Meg. Something that immediately popped out, and please forgive me for being so blunt, especially in your delicate state, but you are placing ALL of the blame on getting the STD on him. The thing is, it takes two people to have sex. I don't know if you got this std from unprotected sex or not but the truth of the matter is that when you have sex, you are making the decision that you are willing to accept all of the risks that come along with that. Those being stds and pregnancy. I know that this is hard to hear but I think that you need to look at your part in getting this disease and realize that it isn't all his fault. You participated in sexual activity with him and so you need to accept that you are equally at fault for allowing yourself to be exposed.
> 
> That being said, I think that the key word here is FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness is a choice. Yes, you have an std. That sucks but just like dp, there is nothing you can do about it now. So you are left with two roads. Are you going to take the road you are already on and be bitter and resentful and feel like crap or are you going to FREE YOURSELF of all of the pain and emotional baggage and make the choice to forgive. Someone doesn't have to ask for you to forgive them. You can make that decision all on your own. You don't have to forgive for anyone's benefit but your own. You may still be angry at him and that will be a daily battle but the truth of the matter, and something I posted about recently is that bitterness is something that consumes your soul. It spreads to your mind and affects you emotionally, mentally, and physically. By hanging onto all of that, you are poisoning yourself. So make the decision to let it go. Don't let it have a hold on you anymore. Accept the consequences of your actions and no longer allow them to hold you captive. Chose to live in peace.


Hey Sarah, thanks for replying.

I should probably add that i am very bad at explaining myself! so let me clear some things up

I'm the type of person who blames everything on myself. i'm very hard on myself and have very little self-esteem. If anything, i have been putting all the blame on myself for my std. i actually needed to talk to my psychiatrist about it; he's the one who convinced me to not take ALL the blame. Trust me. I have trouble blaming Craig for this because in the back of my mind i keep thinking "someone gave this to him too." If i really felt that he was the only one to blame here, than i wouldn't even be concerned with his life anymore; i would've moved on a long time ago. So hopefully that clears up the "blame" issue.

I guess the reason i have such mixed feelings towards him is because of our 'relationship'/friendship in general. And maybe because the fact that for the rest of my life, anytime i become involved with another guy, he will always be in the back of my mind. Like i said before, him and I are like the same person. And most of the time i hate myself. which is why i can sometimes feel that i hate him. its a very confusing thing. and i'm probably making this sound a lot more complicated than it really is! i apologize.

i'm more confused than angry with him. i couldnt even try to explain our friendship (or lack thereof) in words, so you can imagine how mixed my feelings are right now. it's just really hard because i have all of these emotions that i have no control over, and i have no way of expressing them. i dont know if i should eventually talk to him about this or what.

not to be really corny, but here's some song lyrics that better describe how i'm feeling:
"it's clear in my head, and i'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing it all
on my own"

thanks again


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## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

skaasm said:


> i am very new to this site. just found it yesterday. but the reason i found it was because my dp hit me really hard and really fast yesterday
> what im about to say is pretty personal, but i have no one really to talk to about it. i need to get it out of my system, and i thought you all might be of help
> 
> well, about five months ago i was diagnosed with an incurable std. i'm 19 years old. all fingers point to this one kid (i'll call him Craig) who gave me this lovely disease. i never figured out for certain if it was him, because i am too scared to ask him about it. anyhow, i stopped talking to him for a while, obviously i was upset-i felt like dying. but he's been determined to keep talking to me. he has various mental disorders as well, and we've connected on levels deeper than anyone else i know. but i mean, i can't help but hate him. he gave me an incurable disease that has seriously affected my life, forever. we've been talking occasionally. whenever we've talked it's always been about dying or escaping this hell hole (exciting i know!) but i haven't seen him since i found out i had an std, which was in november.
> ...


Wow, it sounds like you are under incredible stress. I am sorry this happened to you. I am glad you shared this and got it off of your chest.


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## skaasm (Apr 7, 2010)

2deepathinker said:


> Wow, it sounds like you are under incredible stress. I am sorry this happened to you. I am glad you shared this and got it off of your chest.


hey, thanks a lot.
i checked out your profile, and i can relate almost exactly to your about me. it was comforting to read. good luck with everything.

ps. you joined on my birthday! hooray! haha

peace&love.
meg


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