# Nothing to live for



## Depersonalized (Feb 11, 2005)

As older and older I get I more understand that my whole life is a big f**ing mess. Nothing is right. I feel like I was born on the wrong planet or something. I can't enjoy things that most people take pleasure in. I can't even get a girlfriend because I don't feel like I need one, some part of me wants and some part tells me that I ll lose something, since when I had a gf I became attached to some feeling I did not like. I hate myself for wanting things such as drugs, sex and alcohol. I hate myself for being human. Even though my DP is way less now or I can just ignore it for most of the time I still feel like crap. I hate everyone and myself for being imperfect, I can't stand the way this world runs, lies money and sex. All humans in my eyes are walking pieces of meet, I no longer see any identity in them, they are like pests to me. Sometimes I feel like getting AK47 and walking into some public place spraying everything with it and sometimes I feel 100% that is a right thing to do. I don't know maybe I am just going insane or sane... f*ck I don't know anymore....

so I was just wondering why do we all live?


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Depersonalized said:


> Sometimes I feel like getting AK47 and walking into some public place spraying everything with it and sometimes I feel 100% that is a right thing to do.


If you are serious about what you just wrote there, you need to get help IMMEDIATELY, or one of us needs to turn you in. You should really know better than to post something like this on this board.

Harming people is NEVER the answer. YOu turned to this board for help from people, so you obviously see some good in people if you look to them for help.

My advice - get immediate help (and I mean now) about your homicidal feelings. There are enough killings in the news.


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

Calm down, Calm down. (scouser accent)

Seriously, I'm pretty sure the guy is not being literal in the least.

Hell, most of the people I know are willing to joke about such things. None are psychopaths (well...perhaps a few).

Depersonalized, are you depressed? Or would you say you thought this is just how you are normally?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

> As older and older I get I more understand that my whole life is a big f**ing mess. Nothing is right


Indeed. I'm sure most people feel like this from time to time. Especially people who have been mentally ill for a lenghty period of time. I know I do. But it's not you saying this - it's your frustration, your anger at being in this mess. The world is really quite beautiful, full of opportunities for excitement, love, achievement etc. It's tempting to say fuck-it-all and go and do something that you think might right all the ills in the world, but that's not the solution. The solution is continuing to fight against your illness and slip back into the real world that you might learn to enjoy.

However deep the pit you are in, remember to look up and see the ***** of light at the top...remember....


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

i don't really think mcsiegs is overreacting. that didn't really sound like a joking post...in fact it sounded quite serious. its not like stuff like that hasn't happened in the world before.

depersonalized, you need to go talk to a psychiatrist about these feelings you are having. they are not normal, even for someone who is depressed.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

Sometimes when I'm angry and full of rage I feel like baking cupcakes and spreading love and joy to all of humanity around me.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

look, all i'm saying is that most of us don't want to take our rage and anger out by taking an " AK47 and walking into some public place spraying everything with it "...those are homicidal thoughts and i don't believe they are normal.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Scattered said:


> Sometimes when I'm angry and full of rage I feel like baking cupcakes and spreading love and joy to all of humanity around me.


You lunatic!


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Agentcooper and I are on the same page with this. I joined this forum to help and be helped. While I still want to help this person, wanting to shower people with bullets from an AK47 is a scary post. Saying things like that out in public will land you in jail.

Now, if it was a joke, some jokes just aren't funny. But, if it wasn't a joke, please call your psych today, and make sure you continue to take your meds


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

On this other internet forum i used to belong to which was for foreign teachers, some guy posted about how he molested some of his female students, or offered them money for sexual services, as a kind of joke. The site admin. immediately and publicly posted the guy's IP address and someone else contacted the authorities. This guy went into very meticulous detail about the incident and it certainly sent off some alarm bells for anyone reading it.

I think the difference between that and the whole AK-47 statement is that one is specific enough to warrant a closer look, whereas the other is a general expression of rage. I mean, seriously, who hasn't felt like picking up an assault rifle and mowing down a bunch of innocent civilians? No, wait. That came out wrong. What i meant to say is, Who hasn't used hyperbole to express a general feeling of malcontent?

I think it has to be put into context. I don't think Depersonalized truly meant that, but then how the hell would i know. In any case, you probably shouldn't post things like that DPized, unless you qualify them with a hypothetical preface or something. Where am i going here...I just reread the post and actually it is a little iffy. Mcsiegs is right. You should truly get help if you have homicidal feelings like that, and immediately, at that. I mean obviously there's a difference between feeling these things and actually committing an act of violence (a MAJOR difference, clearly), but all the same, your post does have an ominous tinge to it. I don't know. We should have more debates like this on here though.

In response to the original topic, i have to say that i sympathize but, at the risk of sounding trite, i have to wonder how much of that hatred isn't dissatisfaction with oneself, masquerading as hatred of the rabble. I'm coming to terms with that whole issue myself these days, which is why i suggest it.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

i'm sure part of the reason he posted it was for attention....but it is still very disturbing that someone would think like that.


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## Depersonalized (Feb 11, 2005)

mcsiegs said:


> Agentcooper and I are on the same page with this. I joined this forum to help and be helped. While I still want to help this person, wanting to shower people with bullets from an AK47 is a scary post. Saying things like that out in public will land you in jail.
> 
> Now, if it was a joke, some jokes just aren't funny. But, if it wasn't a joke, please call your psych today, and make sure you continue to take your meds


Expressing how I feel will land me in jail? haha :lol: what a load of bs...
What about all those artists that promote murder and destruction in their songs and happily release their albums under different record labels, are they all already in jail?

Well anyway no one really answered my question...


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Depersonalized said:


> mcsiegs said:
> 
> 
> > Saying things like that out in public will land you in jail.
> ...


Well, now, keep in mind that mcsiegs is in America, where that kind of thing might very well happen. :wink:


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

[Well anyway no one really answered my question...[/quote]

Well well. _I_ am living out of curiosity, maybe something good will come in my way someday. If you don't see that as an option for a long time, then something's wrong with you. Though at this state of mind I have to quote mr. Williams, _I don't wanna die, but I'm not keen of living eitheeeerr...._


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Depersonalized said:


> What about all those artists that promote murder and destruction in their songs and happily release their albums under different record labels, are they all already in jail?
> 
> Well anyway no one really answered my question...


Ok - now that you have become defensive and mentioned rap artists lyrics, I can only surmise that your original comment about the AK47 was meant for attention, as this is what rap artists also want when they write these lyrcis...well, that and cash.

Peace, Depersonalized.

Anyway, about your original question. We all live for the same reason, which is unknown to us in this life. However, we CHOOSE TO KEEP LIVING (different than why we live) because we feel as though we provide some good to other people in the world, and we feel as though we serve a purpose (whether good or bad). At times when things feel hopeless, our choice to live is at its most flexible, but when we get by the hopeless times, our choice to live becomes even more stable because we are stronger.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

I live because I don't feel like there is any other viable option. Or I could say more accurately, I live because I fear death.

And about the AK47 comment. I don't know if it was meant for attention so much as it was an extreme description of anger. It was meant for expression, to show how he felt. And yes, there are plenty of authors, music artists, etc who make their living off of describing murder, rape, torture, etc. Some of it is BS some of it is valid expression. It doesn't mean that a person is psychotic or is actually going to do any of the things described.


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## Depersonalized (Feb 11, 2005)

mcsiegs said:


> Depersonalized said:
> 
> 
> > What about all those artists that promote murder and destruction in their songs and happily release their albums under different record labels, are they all already in jail?
> ...


I despise and don't listen to rap... :x


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## Guest (May 13, 2005)

mcsiegs said:


> Depersonalized said:
> 
> 
> > What about all those artists that promote murder and destruction in their songs and happily release their albums under different record labels, are they all already in jail?
> ...


Where?


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## Kelson12 (Aug 10, 2004)

Why does it just have to be rap??? I hate when people think rap is the only music that mentions murder, drugs, etc. Last time I checked Heavy Metal sure didn't talk about Carebears and pudding snacks! Holla.


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

I owe a couple apologies.

1. First, my bad for putting "rap" lyrics in there, which was really stupid and a horrible assumption. As Kelson12 said, there are many other types of music that have these words in them. I listen to hard rock, and the lyrics definitely can have there share of violence.

2. Second, I apologize to Depersonalized. I may have overreacted with your post. No hate intended at all. I know we all have our problems. I just don't want to see DP or DR get the best of anyone. There is hope.

Please accept my apologies. I hope you are doing well, and hope that you are getting your questions answered.

Hey - I have a mental illness, too, so I am allowed a couple screw ups on this forum, right?


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

kelson12 said:


> Why does it just have to be rap??? I hate when people think rap is the only music that mentions murder, drugs, etc. Last time I checked Heavy Metal sure didn't talk about Carebears and pudding snacks! Holla.


Oh come on now. Kelson, i know you're big into rap music and i truly respect your opinion, but don't you think that rap is just an eensy beensy bit more hate-provoking than, say, heavy metal or industrial music? I guess i should rephrase that. Don't you think MAINSTREAM rap is a little more hate-provoking than MAINSTREAM heavy metal or industrial music?
Each genre has it's fringe, admittedly.

But my God man, entire rap record labels are responsible for promoting violent lyrics and hate filled drivel. I think there's a big difference between, for example, Hell's Bell's by AC/DC, which metaphorically adheres to the principles of "evil" (whatever that is :roll: ), and something like Cop Killa (I know it's a cliche to use this example, but i'm going to use it anyway)...



The subtle and contemplative composition said:


> Cop killer, better you than me.
> I'm a Cop killer, f**k police brutality!
> Cop killer, I know your family's grievin'
> (f**k 'em)
> ...


I mean...come on. It's just so specific and obviously incendiary. And then you have all those LA record company people gang shooting other NY record company people or whatever the whole "turf war" thing was about all that. You know, the whole thing that Tupac was involved in.

I mean, maybe i'm just naive, but from where i'm sitting it sure seems like rap music inspires a lot more hate than ANY other genre of music...except perhaps Azerbijani folk music...man, that stuff's evil!


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

There are types of music that I dont like, but rap music goes way beyond that. If I ever found myself enjoying music that contained lyrics like what is quoted above, I would get my head examined.

Joe


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## Guest (May 14, 2005)

Listening to rap is a mental illness in itself. The "I listen to crap music syndrome" is out of control; it must be controlled immedieately. I am going to create a pill that helps people with this awful disease. Please, if you suffer from this illness then seek help asap. You are not alone in this. Millions suffer from the "I listen to crap music syndrome." It is a plague of epic proportions; if it doesn't get controlled then it's only going to get worse.

Symptoms include:

-Listening to Rap
-Listening to country
-Thinking Hillary Duff has a nice voice
-Watching MTV
-You are guilty of having bought one of the following albums: Jay Z, Good charlotte, Blink 182, The killers, Yellowcard, sum 41, Usher, Ludacris, Outkast and many many more.
-Thinking it takes talent to win a grammy
-You have thoughtly highly of U2's latest work.
-You think Green Day's "American Idiot" is actually a good album.
-You find yourself chanting the lyrics "ice ice baby" repeatedly and without notice.
-You think rap is actually music
-You think rap is actually music
-You think rap is actually music


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Pure Narcotic said:


> -You have thoughtly highly of U2's latest work.


I have to admit, I was guilty of this for awhile. I had the wool pulled over my eyes. This friend of mine was going on and on about how U2 was returning to their "roots" and blah blah blah, and i actually got cajoled into purchasing the damn thing. For awhile i was like, "You know this isn't so bad". Then after listening to it a few times, i found myself skipping the songs that i didn't like. Before i knew it, i had skipped through the whole album. Next thing i know, i find myself urinating on it briefly before smashing into oblivion with a sledgehammer, and then heaving it onto the subway tracks just for good measure.

I think the biggest problem with U2, if you take all things into account, is that they suck. Perhaps if they didn't suck so much, they'd be a little better, but it really is difficult for a band that sucks to put out a good album. Many of the bands mentioned above are burdened with the same unfortunate dilemna.

The Killers are another example...I have to admit, i like some of their riffs, but their lyrics are so preposterous that i find myself gagging every time i listen to it...

*THE KILLERS: A voice for the new generation*

_I have a girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend who.....etc, etc, etc._

It occured to me once, while trying to decipher these cryptic lyrics, that my brain power would be put to much better use engaging in more constructive and rewarding activities...like, for example, urinating on U2s new CD and then throwing it onto the subway tracks.[/i][/quote]


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## Guest (May 14, 2005)

Sebastian, it sounds like you had a temporary bout with the "I listen to crappy music syndrome." I am glad you have seen the light, and seem to be recovering from this awful illness. This is a 12 step program just like any other recovery program, and you took one of the steps when urinating on the U2 cd and then throwing it on the subway tracks. For anyone interested in recovering, here are the 12 steps:

1.) As Sebastian did, you must urinate on your U2 cd's and throw them on the subway.
2.) You must admit that rap sucks, and that it is not really music.
3.) You must realize that radiohead is the greatest band in the universe
4.) If you ever find yourself enjoying a song from Guns N Roses, seek counselling immediately.
5.) Yes, George Michael really is gay
6.) Disco is not really music, stop pretending that it is.
7.) Confess to yourself that the following genres of music suck: country, hip hop, disco, heavy metal, punk rock etc.
8.) Acknowledge the greatness of Pink Floyd's "Dark side of the Moon."
9.) Techno music is only good in moderation
10.) If you have ever purchased a cd from the following bands: blink 182, Usher, outkast, good charlotte, backstreet boys, sum 41...Take a shit on them and take a sledgehammer and hammer it to pieces.
11.) No really, rap is not really music.
12.) If you watch American Idol, I have one word: ECT


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## Depersonalized (Feb 11, 2005)

Radiohead is the greatest band? hmmm to me its on the same plane as all mainstream crap. 
Take a good look at early Opeth or Ulver, they have compositions that make bands like Radiohead with their 4 chord bores look really ugly.


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

floyd are great but so is some punk


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## Depersonalized (Feb 11, 2005)

Pink Floyd fans should deffinetly check out Tiamat album Deeper kind of Slumber, also the one man project called Oberon.


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

i can't listen to floyd these days, wish i could but it does my head in. i'm slowly being able to listen to some music. live jazz is good. van morrison came on the radio the other day on the way to work and i didn't have to change station. coming from belfast myself i heard alot of his stuff growing up but it never really got me. thinking of getting his new cd magic time.


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## Guest (May 14, 2005)

I have heard some Opeth, and I like what I have heard. One of my favorite bands, the leader singer toured with them a few years back. Thanks Depersonalized, i'll check out those bands.

Modern day punk rock sucks. I like the old school stuff like The Clash and the Sex Pistols, but the stuff you hear today is the most awful sounding music i've ever heard.


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

agreed


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## bat (Aug 18, 2004)

i don't think there is any modern punk. once in a while i'll see something on jools holland(late night tv music show in uk) that has a point to make and an attitude because of it. but that's about it really. punks rebelled against the system but that's not allowed these days. polititians/people are wanting to ban kids wearing hooded jackets bought out of highstreet shops in the uk. everything is heavily biased on conforming rather than individual thought. if you want to be seen as a bit tough so you don't get picked on you buy a hood, but there's no punk


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Anyone like My Chemical Romance?


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## mulder (May 8, 2005)

Pure Narcotic,

A lot of todays rap & rnb is crap, it's true, but old Hip Hop is music, and good music. Talkin All That Jazz by Stetsasonic anybody?

Disco is also music, you just havn't heard the decent stuff that hasn't been overplayed by crap radio djs.

I really can't say anything much about Pink Floyd, 'The Wall' is the only thing I've heard and liked, and that was when I was a kid - It had a good video!

Metal and Punk don't totally suck, but there is a lot of crap mixed in with the good.

The rest of what you say, I mostly agree with


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