# Getting there



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I feel like i'm on my way to recovery. Haven't had an anxiety attack since that night of insane benzo withdrawal - and haven't had a non-withdrawal related one in about a month. I feel calmer overall, more grounded, and am doing a little less analyzing of how weird everything is. There have been a few moments where i feel totally immersed in my life and not removed from it. I am working to battle my irrational thoughts with logic. Any time a thought pops into my head like "This feels so strange and alien" I stop myself with a quick "That is ridiculous, everything is the same as its always been, its just part of my anxiety disorder - everything is fine" and then I quickly change my thought patterns.

I have been doing lots of deep breathing, stretching, etc. I have given up anything with high levels of caffeine (mainly coffee, energy drinks, etc.) - and have switched to decaf coffee and pop. I have entirely eliminated alcohol for the time being. I don't plan on touching another drop until I am entirely stable and off medication.

I am almost done my two week reinstatement period on benzos, so this week at some point I will begin withdrawing again - much more gradually this time. So lets hope things go well for me this time.

As always when I feel good I feel so much optimism - for myself and for everyone on here. There is nothing wrong with any one of you, and you all have it in you to recover. You are all so brave. Some days all we have to keep us alive is the dim promise that tomorrow might be a slightly better day than today. In my experience it always will be. It feels like a bottomless pit of despair, but we can only fall so far and we will eventually climb back up.

Keep fighting with everything you have.


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## mamamia (Mar 24, 2009)

good luck to you, matt! you can do it.


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## Guest (Apr 18, 2009)

Nicely done Matthew. You're an inspiration to us all.

As long as you go a couple of weeks between dose reduction in the benzo withdrawal next time, I doubt you'll have any problems.


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## Guest (Apr 18, 2009)

Awesome Matt....and yeah, gradual this time :wink: . Personally while things are going so well for you I wouldn't rock the boat and come off of the benzo's just yet but hey...obviously it's up to you, I hope it continues to get better for you Matt.

Lynsey.


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Keep up the good fight Matt.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Thanks guys  . It feels good to be feeling good! I just love the natural flow of life and of being myself when I start feeling better. Most people take a consistent sense of self and consistency/normalcy in their life for granted - I know I never will again, provided I keep getting better and then stay well.



Spirit said:


> Awesome Matt....and yeah, gradual this time :wink: . Personally while things are going so well for you I wouldn't rock the boat and come off of the benzo's just yet but hey...obviously it's up to you, I hope it continues to get better for you Matt.
> 
> Lynsey.


As usual, you are probably right. One week of feeling good probably doesn't mean I should be coming off medication. However, I just find the Benzos are a nuisance - i've been so drowsy again since being back on them, and as I mentioned they make me a bit depressed. I'd rather feel good like I do now and a bit drowsy/depressed than feel how I did without Benzos or when I first started withdrawing, so I'm going to go super slow and if I find that dropping is too much for me to take i'm going to go right back up. But I figure i'll give it one more go, dropping a minimal dose and holding for 3-4 weeks with each drop. We'll see.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Awesome Matt that's great to hear. I swear something is in the air, so many people are recovering. This is great. Whose next? (pick me, pick me) :mrgreen:


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## Guest (Apr 19, 2009)

surfingisfun001 said:


> I swear something is in the air, so many people are recovering.


There's alotta love about.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

does anyone on here think that maybe some of this has to do with seasonal depression? i know i always get worse whether it be anxiety, depression, etc. during the winter months when the sun isn't out alot. The past few weeks have been really strange as the weather has been changing so drastically, i go from being really good and thinking this is over and then right back to thinking maybe its still going strong. I know for sure i've had some seasonal depression in the past, but i wonder if dp is affected by that at all.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Garjon said:


> does anyone on here think that maybe some of this has to do with seasonal depression? i know i always get worse whether it be anxiety, depression, etc. during the winter months when the sun isn't out alot. The past few weeks have been really strange as the weather has been changing so drastically, i go from being really good and thinking this is over and then right back to thinking maybe its still going strong. I know for sure i've had some seasonal depression in the past, but i wonder if dp is affected by that at all.


Yeah, the winter definitely plays a role. I'm always at my worst during the winter months. Its certainly obviously not the ONLY thing as I have been entirely DP'ed, etc. during the summer but the sun shining always lifts my spirits a bit. I despise winter so much. If my family and girlfriend would move with me i'd go somewhere sunny in an instant.


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## RaoulDuke (Mar 17, 2009)

It's good to hear that you are on your way to recovery. I wish that I could say the same for myself right now. So you have been dealing with your obsessive thoughts/ocd with just pure logic & no meds? That's great man, I don't know if I will be able to do the same but are there any certain mental techniques you've used in easing the pain from the hellish grip of OCD?

I haven't made a decision yet on whether or not to pursue medication, but Im hoping that something miraculous will happen to me mentally and I will not need them. I find myself obsessing about everything weird under the sun with little relief. Alot of things seem strange to me right now, especially my own existance, and even when I tell myself " It's always been this way" or " Everything has always been here like this" I even start to freak out about that. It's terrible. I think OCD is worse than anything else. I know people who get depressed or anxious but man OCD on top of Anxiety & Depersonalization makes me feel like im fighting about 10,000 angry Spartans in my mind.

You said you have been doing meditation and stretching? Care to get into more detail? Lately I have become pretty intrigued with meditation and certain aspects of Eastern Philosophy/Religion. My therapist has recommended two books about spiritual practice helping to change your life, one of which Ive read already and it was pretty inspiring. I just purchased the other one and I am going to start reading it ASAP. The therapist also gave me some audio cds on basic meditation and yoga that coincide with the book.

I hope you make a full recovery, move on with life and never feel the need to return to this site because of how messed up you feel. That's what happened to me for over 2 years and than I started heading down the wrong path and Ive been back again for like a month now.

But yeah man..... good luck


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I'm actually on meds as well. I take 0.5 Clonazepam daily and 20mg of Lexapro daily. I'm honestly not sure how big a role the medications have played in me feeling better lately. I think they mostly got me back on my feet after my breakdown and allowed me to start battling these OCD thoughts and feelings.

I don't have any specific techniques other than to not let OCD thoughts begin to cycle. If a scary or negative thought pops into my head, I try and make light of it in my mind - tell myself how ridiculous it is, etc. But I only do this once. Doing this over and over again actually feeds into OCD. You end up constantly trying to reassure yourself. So I allow myself to reassure myself ONCE and then force myself to forget about the thought.

I have been doing pretty much everything on my own without much guidance. I purchased one book on stretching and deep breathing, but mostly I just kind of do my own thing. It helps to relax me. I have been doing tons of little things that relax me on a consistent basis as well - drinking lots of green tea (non caffeinated hot drinks always relax me), taking hot baths (very manly of me  ), and so on and so forth.

If this is indeed the beginning of recovery and not just a good patch - I plan on writing a lengthy post about how I got better and what I think works and doesn't work. I just don't want to jinx things at this point because I know its easy to fall back down faster than you climbed back up.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Congrats!! I have been feeling a bit better as well. Let's hope we continue on this path...


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## mamamia (Mar 24, 2009)

Matt210 said:


> I plan on writing a lengthy post about how I got better and what I think works and doesn't work.


I cannot wait to read your advice....


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## meghan28 (Jan 3, 2008)

I'm so glad that you're feeling better Matt. I just wanted to let you know I really respect you for everything you have done for the people on these forums. I always love reading your posts that really give positive and enlightening advice/comfort to other users, you're a team player and we're all here for you as much as you are here for us 

You can do it, keep positive and don't let anything break your feelings of optimism!


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

meghan28 said:


> I'm so glad that you're feeling better Matt. I just wanted to let you know I really respect you for everything you have done for the people on these forums. I always love reading your posts that really give positive and enlightening advice/comfort to other users, you're a team player and we're all here for you as much as you are here for us
> 
> You can do it, keep positive and don't let anything break your feelings of optimism!


Thanks  . I appreciate how much support I get here more than you guys will ever know.

As for my positivity - I only tell the truth. We live in a mental hell but objectively we have nothing holding us back. We all have it in us to be happy. I get as down as anyone, but we all need to refuse to give in to negativity.


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Matt210 said:


> meghan28 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm so glad that you're feeling better Matt. I just wanted to let you know I really respect you for everything you have done for the people on these forums. I always love reading your posts that really give positive and enlightening advice/comfort to other users, you're a team player and we're all here for you as much as you are here for us
> ...


Keep on truckin Matt. You've got a family here that cares about ya and you can pm any one of us any time.


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## sneaker (Feb 14, 2009)

Glad you are getting better Matt. There are a lot of posts here that are a real inspiration and a great lesson in positive thinking and yours are definitely in that category. Can't wait to read your advice post.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Thanks, I've been writing bunch already of what has helped me along the way and my own personal ideas about DP/DR. At some point i'll put it together into a coherent order and get it on here.

In the meantime, my two week reinstatement period on Benzos is up so i'm going to try and withdraw again. I bought a pill cutter and have been dividing my little Clonazepam pills into quarters. As of yesterday I reduced by a 1/4 of a pill and will hold at this for three weeks.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Damn I feel good! Still not normal yet, but getting there. I'm not going to call myself recovered for quite some time. I still have months and months of work to do.

But I feel happy again - glad to be alive, which I hadn't felt in a long time.

I'm still putting some writing together with my personal advice and thoughts about this illness.

Right now i'm just feeling a lot of love for the members on this board who got me better! You all know who you are - Thank You a Million Times Over!!!


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

thats great to hear! i too am feeling much much better today and yesterday, but like you, i dont want to say i'm recovered yet just to be sure, i feel very connected to the world and glad to be alive for the first time in months! However i'm still having a bit of the wandering thought problem where random stuff just seems to kinda slip and then pass. You know those weird thoughts that you don't quite catch they are just blips and suddenly you think what on earth was that? I think the longer i go without drinking the more those thoughts will subside though. I haven't touched alcohol in a week and a day so i'm feeling pretty good about that too. The best part though, is that i finally heard back from the insurance lady (i was hit a couple of weeks ago) and i'm going to receive a pretty nice sum of money in the mail soon. Pretty good for not having a job, haha, its like 2 months of work at my old job, almost makes up for all the time i have lost. Anyway, keep it up matt, hopefully we will see the full light soon!


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