# Basically my recovery, dp and panic attacks..



## bizze (Jun 20, 2008)

My first and probably last post..

First my tips!:
* Get enough sleep, and more importantly sleep in a regular pattern!
* Eat healthy, stop drinking coffee, don't drink too much alcohol because you'll probably have a lot of DP afterwards..
* Try to work out every now and then, this is not only good because your mind is taken off of problems, but it helps your self esteem, good thing!..
* DO NOT sit at home all day, go to friends, go to the gym, go into town, there's always something better to do, it WILL get your mind off DP and makes you feel good
* Get in the sun! (basic biology, sunlight is good for your serotonine level)
* Try not to worry too much, that includes about DP, don't worry about your DP right now because it's temporary (even if it lasts long, it will go away), believe this, and ACT according to this.. Worrying about DP just makes it worse.. DP comes from an 'overloaded' mind..
* Whenever you feel a panic attack coming up, just remember that it's YOUR MIND that's making it, nothing else.. It IS controllable and as long as you believe that it's just your mind making you feel different.
* Don't sit in front of the PC all day, get a hobby.. I picked up guitar playing again and it really gets your mind off of things and helps you relax..
* Tell someone!, I told 3 good friends and my mom, and it helps you accept it and talking about it makes you 'accept' it more..

And now my story:

I don't really know where to start..

Basic info:
Okay, I'm 18 years old since June, and my DP started somewhere in december or so.. I live in Holland..
I have a sister who has autism and has been a real problem in our household, and my parents have been divorced since I was about 10/11 years old, I live with my mom..
I'm quite smart (not to be arrogant, but I think there may be a certain correlation between dp and intelligence, feel free to discuss)

I was a not-very-frequent weed smoker, I'd say about once every 2-3 weeks.. It was quite innocent really, untill I decided to do shrooms, which didn't go that well.. Few days prior to taking them my sister ran from home and lived with some druggy creep with a criminal past, even though we didn't have the best relation, i was still quite worried and all..
Anyway, at first I really liked the shrooms, but then it kinda got out of hand and I went 'bad' for about a half an hour, after that I still was still feeling worried and anxious but I had it under control and it wasn't that bad..
Afterwards, every time I smoked weed I'd get the same 'anxious' feeling, like you're really on your guard because you don't want to get a panic attack again, so I began to smoke less frequent..
My sister got back home though..

At that time however, I was doing a study on mechanics, which I decided to quit because It wasn't really my thing and I didn't want to get a profession in this subject, that aside it was really boring.. I got a job where I worked 3-4 days a week, and earned a really nice salary..
It wasn't so bad that I stopped, but I had to choose a new study, this is where the problems started.. I really couldn't find anything I really liked, and I was really stressing because I was running out of time, and I didn't want to work anymore, I believe I was getting my first DP in this period, but I always managed to control it..

Untill it really went bad at one time, I went out with friends and drank a lot, slept only a few hours and was up and going the next day, even though it was weekend I really started to freak out even though I was only walking though the city with a friend, not only was I having DP but I also had a panic attack, my first one for that matter.. A while after that my boss told me that they couldn't afford me for 4 days anymore (they paid me $25 an hour) and I could only work there for 2 days a week, this is when I had another panic attack, remember; during all this I still had frequent DP..

I really didn't know what to do anymore.. I was really overwhelmed with emotions, BUT, i had DP so basically my emotions were cut off at the same time.. This however was also the point were I turned everything around, starting from here it got better..

I quit my job, period, I still had 3 months before my new study (still didn't know which) started, so I basically took vacation.. My dad really helped me with choosing the right study, and then I found it, I could get back to 'high school' (I live in holland and here we have different levels, I did HAVO which allows you to go into college, and I decided to do VWO which allows you to go to universities).. I ment I still had a year to decide, and I could now take it easy..

With my live more relaxed and no more stress about my school, It went a lot better.. I started eating healthier which also helped and during the last of my vacation I decided to stop smoking period, I wasn't getting any joy out of it anymore anyway..

I also read up about DP and panic attacks, and I found out that *for me* it is also partially your mindset. What I mean by that is that a panic attack just comes from YOUR mind, you create it and you can make it go away too!, whenever i felt it coming up I would think of this; 'it's no big deal, it's just me thinking, I'm not having a panic attack..' This helped me relax and it basically helped every time..

Since then I've gone to school, hung out with friends, and my DP AND panic attacks have gone away.. I also decided to stop drinking coffee for a while, which also helped..

Every now and then I can still get the feeling that I'm getting a panic attack, but that usually comes from certain factors; I didn't sleep well or/and I drank too much coffee..

I want you to remeber that it's all in your head, though DP is something that is harder to beat than panic attacks (IMO), just try to adjust your lifestyle to it and don't let it get to you.. DP often means that you have too much worries and you're thinking too much, your brain is overwhelmed and it decides to flatten all your emotions, leaving you feeling really weird; DP..


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## Robsy (Dec 3, 2007)

Fantastic!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE reading these posts, I cant get enough of recovery stories, thank you for taking the time to come back and share!!!! Im so happy for you 

GOD BLESS

Robyn x


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

I just turned 19. I'm from New York, but I go to college in DC. Depersonalization first started for me last summer following a three-month period of fairly heavy use of psychedelics (psilocybin, LSD, LSA, salvia). On second thought it might have started earlier than summer, but I was so strung-out all the time I figured feeling crazy was normal. For about a month the DP/DR was a constant and I was scared to death until I finally diagnosed myself online. I started seeing a psychiatrist (I told my parents I was feeling a lot of generalized anxiety) and after a bunch of cognitive therapy and a prescription for Clonazepam I started to feel a lot better. I've been back at school for over two months now, I've got an internship, I'm keeping my GPA up, and I just finished writing a novel inspired by my experiences. I'm 100% clean, though I do still drink, and I have an episode of DP/DR about twice every week, but the intensity has really gone down. I recommend staying away from substances (including alcohol because I always feel depersonalized when I'm hung-over), absorbing oneself with work or friends or a relationship (my girlfriend's been great), and getting lots of exercise. Try not to think too hard when you're having an episode; since there's no way to think yourself out of a DP experience you just have to let your mind re-set itself. I hope one day soon my DPD goes away completely, but for now I'm happy enough.


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## Scott.S (Jul 10, 2008)

Great to hear!

We will be rewarded in the end for all of our suffering... I too am brainwashing my self with all of the recovery stories!!! I keep printing them out as they occur for inspiration and read them often when Im down...

Way to Go!!

I wish you well!!!


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## howard (Jan 26, 2006)

Abolutely Scott - something good always MUST come from something bad.

DP is a blessing in my eyes - it allowed me to 'introspect' every part of my personality, breaking it all down, and changing the things i didnt like!

I like to look at DP as a heaven send that 'targets' and 'breaks down to basic' good people who are not on destinys path as planned, in order to correct them and steer them in the right direction. The recovery process is the training program that enables you to become just that, a far more intelligent and higher being!

WELCOME DP IN and WELCOME the NEW YOU.

Howie


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## Scott.S (Jul 10, 2008)

You know I was saying that to myself today!

That?s funny you mentioned it...

As much as I hate the feeling and how this has disrupted my life... I have come to appreciate it to a small degree! Its forcing me to take notice and do the work. And I do appreciated feeling calmer in situations that normally I know I would be a bit stressed...

I think this is a combination of me changing my bad habits and the DP itself , although My self awareness is wide open right now and I do notice right away when I need to back off and chill!

Ive called this a wake up call many times and as I have written it takes something like this no get our attention! We have to get slapped in the face..

Sometimes I think we are oblivious of our ways... although I use to thing I could see myself quite well! I guess I would take notice , then back it off for a while and then months later back to the same old habits...

It has to be a way of life , or a full time job ( living a healthy life that is) life is what we make it or how we interpret it, and most of all how we react to it!!


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Im really happy for you. I just wonder if recovery is possible for someone that has had it for there whole life.


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## howard (Jan 26, 2006)

Definately Scott  - And its good to hear that you are on top of it... Of course we all get our bad days, everyone does. But its what we have learned and apply that makes the difference.. Going back to who we were isnt even worth thinking about, because we've now moved on for the better..

great to hear you are feeling better my friend

H

by Conjurus on Thu Oct 30, 2008 2:05 am

Im really happy for you. I just wonder if recovery is possible for someone that has had it for there whole life.

Conjurus,

The length of time that somebody sufferers does not have any effect on the time it takes to heal - the healing time will only begin when you set your mind in the correct frame of thought, Naturally a person whom has suffered for longer is going to be more sceptical about getting better, but it is only the scepticism that feeds the fear and anxiety further, which in turn prolongs the healing. So its a catch 22. The key is to take a fresh start and try to adapt a new way of thought. Easier said than done, and i whole heartedly understand. Many people if asked the question still have fears and sub concious issues that are holding them back from regaining reality. The key is to ask your self honestly... am i really afraid of anything in my life still? ( money /health/love ) etc.. It may well be that there is still ONE tiny piece of your mind that is holding on to something, clutching it and not letting it go. THIS is the final part of the picture that is preventing you and keeping you 'safe'. There is a reason that your mind is not letting you go back to complete reality. It is still scared. Of what is the answer. The diffence beteeen someone saying ' im better so why arent i feeling normal'. and someone TRULY being better is that you cant kid your mind. ( whilst it has control over you) - Quit from letting it make your decisions and it will have no power over you any more. 
A good example of this is the film ' The Shureshank REdemption'. Every Year Morgan Freeman has a probation meeting with the prison warden to see if he has 'learned his lesson' and is free to go. Every year he TELLS them that he is better. How he is sorry for what he has done... The prison warden takes a long look at him and rejects his plea to leave the prison. UNTILL one year he turns up and is different. He is rude, and quite frankly doesnt give a damn. He tells them ' i actually dont care any more' I kind of like it here. So do and say what you will, i really dont care anymore. ... They let him go free.

I hope this inspires your thoughts, and gives your mind a start in its new outlook. You have it in you to heal my friend..

Howie..


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## Robsy (Dec 3, 2007)

Hey Howie great reply, love reading them!!!

So any suggestions in releasing the little things holding me back? E.g a thought i have " im scared of how i will feel about my bf once i start making my own fresh start" silly i know but how can i turn that around so i kind feel the fear and do it anyway kinda thing? thanks howie hope to hear ir words of wisdom!

Cheers x


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

howard said:


> Definately Scott  - And its good to hear that you are on top of it... Of course we all get our bad days, everyone does. But its what we have learned and apply that makes the difference.. Going back to who we were isnt even worth thinking about, because we've now moved on for the better..
> 
> great to hear you are feeling better my friend
> 
> ...


Thanks Howie, I appreciate the encouragement. I really wasnt feeling great yesterday at all. Im doing much better today. Me and a friend went swimming and I think it helped. Im definately willing to get better.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Darn, I just love the positivity of this thread! :mrgreen:

I agree about the Sun thing... the past few days the weather's been so good! Everytime I go out under the Sun, I feel so real! Aah, I love the Sun. Can't wait til Summer... it's gonna be very hot apparently but I don't care lol.

And going out... even if our fears stop us from doing so... feel the fear and do it anyway!


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## bizze (Jun 20, 2008)

Conjurus said:


> Im really happy for you. I just wonder if recovery is possible for someone that has had it for there whole life.


I believe it is, one of the key elements here is to believe it can get better and in fact, it IS getting better.. Just wake up every morney thinking ''Ah it's a nice day today'', try to think as little about the DP as possible (in fact, don't go on this website if you're smart).. Remember, it's mostly in and made up by your mind, which absolutely doesn't mean it's not real, it's just means that there's always a way to get it out..



Sister Hazel said:


> Darn, I just love the positivity of this thread! :mrgreen:
> 
> I agree about the Sun thing... the past few days the weather's been so good! Everytime I go out under the Sun, I feel so real! Aah, I love the Sun. Can't wait til Summer... it's gonna be very hot apparently but I don't care lol.
> 
> And going out... even if our fears stop us from doing so... feel the fear and do it anyway!


MOST definitely, at the time I had DP and panic attacks I earned a lot of money for my age, so I started going out with friends few times a week, and I must say it really helps you. 1: you're socially active, always a good thing, 2: because you're hanging out with friends all the time and meeting new people it boosts your self-respect..

The best of luck to you people, it'll be allright..


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## georgeisit (Oct 29, 2008)

Hi there all!! I'm another 18yr old guy with DP! I really enjoyed bizze's thread!! THAT'S exactly what i was telling to another user of that forum at my thread "introduce myself". That's exactly how i see DP after all the panic attacks and stuff cause all of the talking with friends and searching the net!!
I want to tell u some of my thoughts but i first have to tell u my story so that no question comes up.

In my life my family issues never went so good so that i could be pleased and proud of my family! That's actually a sad thing but also true! my family didn't and doens't have so much money although they try to make us(me and my older brother) kind of happy. from my 15yrs old till now, when my brother was in another city cause of his university, many fights had taken place between my mother and my father where i tried all the times to stop! My dad had kind of a drinking problem and that was the main reason. But all these fights and me trying to stop them were really bad for my well-being! all these chilhood issues that i dealed with made me really insecure and afraid of many things but inspite of that i was and i am a really social guy and had some girlfriends! So i don't have any regrets from my social life! it is ok!

A year ago it was my time to go to a university and so i did! I met two guys, really nice ones and had a lot in common! I liked weed ever since without ever tried it but they did smoke some so i tried! everything was ok at the beggining! Laughs and having fun and stuff! All this started the previous september. At about february i had my first panic attack during being high! it was really bad! i was really afraid of being crazy or die, but when i slept for about 1 hour everything went back to normal! From then everytime i smoke weed i have a short panic attack for the first 10-30 minutes but then everything's fine and cool while being high! After one of those panic attacks i slept at night but the next morning EVERYTHING was different!! I went to attend a class and everything was weird! i thought i hadn't woke up well so i washed my face, drunk a coffee but STILL..!! It was like i was not there! Like i was someone who was above me and just watched my moves and my thoughts! Since then i have DP! it's been now 9 months!

After watching the movie "Numb" and discussing with a lot of friends i thought that i shouldn't be so worried and starting to accept it and live with it! I have improved enough and i'm not so stressed ever since!

So my thoughts that i want to share is that from my birth to my early 18yrs old i was ok and everything was normal. one day something changed! but.. actually only in MY MIND changed something and more specifically the only change that took place it's in the section of how i see the world, of my opinions and my beliefs! my house is still where it were.., my friends are the same..! everthing is the same..! It's only something made up in our minds and that is not something bad necessarily! i have spoken with a therapist who was also my teacher at school and told me something really logical! DP is just a way of protesting, cause all of the emotional abuse we had and all of our worries, and what our mind tries to tell us is that we have to change a few things on our beliefes or generally in our lifes! This is just a phase in which we have to improve our personalities!!

As i had said before! DP is not like a scar! It's like a thirdd hand! We have to ACCEPT it! We have to use it!!

P.S.: ..and now i have one question and i would also like to be answered of every person that thinks he/she can! I would also appreciate it if the guy/girl that wrote the thread could answer it cause i noticed u had been involvd with drugs. 
Do you think that weed *CREATED* it my DP or just *REVEALED* my emotional abuse and my worries by that way??


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## bizze (Jun 20, 2008)

georgeisit said:


> Hi there all!! I'm another 18yr old guy with DP! I really enjoyed bizze's thread!! THAT'S exactly what i was telling to another user of that forum at my thread "introduce myself". That's exactly how i see DP after all the panic attacks and stuff cause all of the talking with friends and searching the net!!
> I want to tell u some of my thoughts but i first have to tell u my story so that no question comes up.
> 
> In my life my family issues never went so good so that i could be pleased and proud of my family! That's actually a sad thing but also true! my family didn't and doens't have so much money although they try to make us(me and my older brother) kind of happy. from my 15yrs old till now, when my brother was in another city cause of his university, many fights had taken place between my mother and my father where i tried all the times to stop! My dad had kind of a drinking problem and that was the main reason. But all these fights and me trying to stop them were really bad for my well-being! all these chilhood issues that i dealed with made me really insecure and afraid of many things but inspite of that i was and i am a really social guy and had some girlfriends! So i don't have any regrets from my social life! it is ok!
> ...


Wow man, your post is really helpful!. I think you're right, DP might really be a way of protesting, now that I think about it, I REALLY changed my life when I got DP: I stopped smoking weed, I started being more social, I made sure I was a nicer person to be around with and I tried to work some shit out I had with my mom.. I also had the luck of my sister moving out, she was a real trouble in our house..
I mean, it's not like everything is perfect right now, but it's better than before.. And yeah man I did have a lot of emotional abuse, and even though I thought I was over it, I guess I wasn't really over it yet..

You really gave DP a new perspective for me, thanks..

And I personally think weed just reavealed your worries, did you stop smoking the beloved herb?


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Wow that really is a great way to look at it. Ever since I've found this site, I've been making several changes to my life for the better... Maybe it can be used as a good thing. Maybe just thinking of it that way will help you.

I miss weed. I know I cant smoke it though as Im sure it will mess me up even worse.


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## bizze (Jun 20, 2008)

Conjurus said:


> Wow that really is a great way to look at it. Ever since I've found this site, I've been making several changes to my life for the better... Maybe it can be used as a good thing. Maybe just thinking of it that way will help you.
> 
> I miss weed. I know I cant smoke it though as Im sure it will mess me up even worse.


Yeah man, I miss it too.. Last week I thought about trying to smoke again, so I bought some (I live in Holland), I didn't smoke it yet and I really don't think I will because I'm too afraid to get DP again, it would just not be worth it..


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## Scott.S (Jul 10, 2008)

Let it go!

I smoked daily from when I was 16-18 and then slowly gave it up by the time I was 23... But I really think it contributed to getting my anxiety started!

I regret it... I had a great time back then but I really wonder if it was worth it?

No Doubt the buzz was good but the Paranoia I think is what got it all going! Being afraid that I would have gotten busted, or just trying to hide it from others when I was stoned out of my mind!

In fact I know this is where my anxiety started!

I always thought smoking was harmless and I still think it should be legal here in the states... but just like alcohol there is a price to be paid in the long run!


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## georgeisit (Oct 29, 2008)

no! no! no! stop these thoughts all of u!! for my situation weed started mine DP but i didn't stop smoking!! i still do and actually the one i did with my friends just 3 days ago was perfect!! while i was high i found my self *admiring EVERYTHING* and *feeling EVERYTHING* like the wind on my body!! the music!! touching flowers and stuff!! so i thought "look at myself"!! i have DP but now that im high i can *admire and FEEL everything at 100%*!!!

weed is just a key to open the door of our subconcious to let us face all of our worries and negative thoughts!! it's not something bad!! of course now that you are afraid of almost everything, that you think that everything is fake and stuff it's pretty normal that the hazeness, of being high by weed, will scare ya! that's pretty sure! i was scared everytime when i smoked weed after having DP! but i thought it's just in my mind.. so im able to enjoy it again!! maybe not at 100% but at 80% at least!!

our brain is something BIG!! it can create many fake situations not for fun but to say to us that something's wrong! we have to deal with something either on our body or in our mind! so just understanf what it wants you to tell and deal with and afterwards enjoy everything you used to do...!!


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## howard (Jan 26, 2006)

Smoking weed is all down to someones mind, and everyone's is different, so there is no right or wrong answer here me thinks

if u feel panicky and horrid during or after, then dont do it!

if you feel good for it, and it helps how you feel then fill ya boots.


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## Scott.S (Jul 10, 2008)

Sure !

Its the long term use that could be the issue...

Also if one uses weed to self medicate... I know alot of guys in my field who do this because of the stress they must endure everyday and this is where it can become a big problem.

Moderation is the key if at all... When you become dependant on it then you are in trouble ,not so much addiction ... because with weed I dont think that a big deal but its more the way you learn to relax, one needs to be able to do this on thier own. And most of all there is a connection with weed and anxiety, for many it had a paradoxical effect.



> while i was high i found my self admiring EVERYTHING and feeling EVERYTHING like the wind on my body!! the music!! touching flowers and stuff!! so i thought "look at myself"!! i have DP but now that im high i can admire and FEEL everything at 100%!!!


Ok so what happens when you cant afford to but a bag?

You have to be able to enjoy life without the aid of a crutch... and using it to help you with dealing with your DP I ( Just my opinion) think thats a big mistake. Sure it helps you cope and make it through your day a bit better but where does it stop? You can't be high all day long can you?


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## howard (Jan 26, 2006)

I agree - moderation is the key - and i also agree with Scott about balancing it with healthy lifestlye like eating well and excercising regularly.

if you do all of this and have the occasional weed then i'd say good on you. I tend to get a little anxious when i do it, so im careful these days.

Best

Howie


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## georgeisit (Oct 29, 2008)

of course i surely i agree to all these but aparently u didn't see my point on what i said!i didn't mean that you have to be high all day long! what i meant is that weed is 1)the key and 2) helps you see my ur eyes without taboo and stuff! what i meant was that it helped me see that nothing wrond with me or that i may get crazy and stuff!! no! it only in my mind and that weed by it self *isn't* bad!! that's all!!!


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## Scott.S (Jul 10, 2008)

Ok...

Its all Good!


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## Adem (Jul 27, 2008)

i stayed away from weed after my dp started after a panick attack, i was scared to death to do it ever again, untill last month when i was drunk a little i got brave enough to smoke, i got high and i didnt enjoy it like before i just wanted the night to end, surprisingly i did not have a panick attack like i expected, the next day i was glad i smoked, because i realized that even thoe weed started my dp its good to know that i dont fear it, i dont really want to do it ever again but its good to know that im not affraid of it


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## bizze (Jun 20, 2008)

I smoked again saturday, I didn't smoke much because I was unsure of how it would work out but it went really great..

I'd say on a scale from 0-10 it was a 2 (how high I was), and I made sure the weed was an indica and not a sativa.. I kind of lost some general anxiety feelings I still had so it kinda helped me too ..

I probably will be doing it again, but not anytime soon and again not too much, moderation is key like someone said..


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## georgeisit (Oct 29, 2008)

my situation is like urs!! when i smoke some i just feel a bit anxious at the beggining but then afterwards its sooo damn good!! ;P


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