# I don't even know if this is DP anymore...



## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

I wake up in sheer panic, heart racing, feel like I am being plugged to electricity, like I am going crazy, just very restless on the inside, and I don't know what to do with myself, my body is in constant pain because of that... if I try to go back to sleep I just can't, if I don't I am exhausted... so basically I am exhausted all day long.

But this wouldn't even be the most horrifying part... my brain is just numb... to everything. I don't remember anything about myself, what I liked, what I used to be like, my daily routine (shower, make up... anything basically), just nothing, I don't remember what happened an hour ago, I can't think, plan things (even the simpliest ones), daydream, visualize, my mind is just not with me, no matter what I do... It's like I became completely dumb or crazy, I can't even explain that...

I always feel beyond uncomfortable and yet I am not even here!!! I don't like staying by myself (I used to enjoy it before) and yet I don't like being with people most of the time cause I don't like the state I am in and it's hard to be around them in this state!

I keep questioning every movement (even the most simple ones), like would I normally do this or that? How would I decide? What would I be thinking or feeling about it? Even things like drinking, eating, smoking, movements of the body... basically anything. (I don't even know if I would be typing this right now, I just don't fucking know anything!). It's like I don't trust my mind anymore cause there is no thought or feeling behind any decision so I don't know what's right or wrong.

And also all I "remember" or what comes back to my mind are memories from the past, it just comes and goes... ALL THE TIME! like I used to be different but I can't even mimic the person I once was, cause I just DON'T KNOW!

There is no continuity in life. I don't remember what I did yesterday, so I don't know what to do today (if it makes sense). Like I need to call this person, do this, I am just simply existing and that's awful. It's like every day is a "new day", like I am stuck in the same moment and yet I am not even there to experience the moment.

I can't take care of myself, but can't even ask for help cause I don't know what I need basically... I don't know if I am hungry, thirsty, sleepy or what the hell I am suppose to do. There is no inner life in me, the analyzing part, the decision making part, just nothing.

I don't know how to talk to anyone, cause I have nothing to say (that's so unlike me) or I just don't know if I would normally say that or not.

I feel scared 24/7 but I don't even know what I am scared about. It's like my body is scared but my mind is not here. Feels like I am completely brain dead. It feels like an emergency all day long yet I can't even go somewhere and describe what is happening cause I am not "here". Ugh.

I don't have a self. I don't know who or what I am. It's like somebody wiped out 27 years of my life and all I am left with is "this".

Anybody?


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## derrrr (Dec 7, 2016)

Hey Mezona, this sounds horrible. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Are your loved ones aware of what's going on with you? Is there any way you can let them know that you need help ASAP?

I keep questioning every movement (even the most simple ones), like would I normally do this or that? How would I decide? What would I be thinking or feeling about it? Even things like drinking, eating, smoking, movements of the body... basically anything. (I don't even know if I would be typing this right now, I just don't fucking know anything!). It's like I don't trust my mind anymore cause there is no thought or feeling behind any decision so I don't know what's right or wrong.

I definitely have this, so you're not alone in that way.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

What professional help have you had mezie?


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## 999661 (May 10, 2016)

What i'm going to say is to show you that you are not as bad as you think you are. Your post has a lot of contradictions.



> "I don't remember anything about myself, what I liked, what I used to be like, my daily routine (shower, make up... anything basically),just nothing"


You say you can't remember anything about yourself, but you also say



> "I don't know how to talk to anyone, cause I have nothing to say (that's so unlike me) "


That shows you remember something about how you used to be, to be able to say how you are now is unlike how you used to be.

Also, you say



> I don't remember what I did yesterday, so I don't know what to do today (if it makes sense).


You probably can remember some stuff you did the other day, lets say something different happens, like someone of your family dies, would you say you would not remember it happened in the other day? (sorry for using an example like that, just choosing a more extreme one to show that you can remember stuff from the previous day)



> I don't know if I am hungry, thirsty, sleepy or what the hell I am suppose to do.


Do you honestly NEVER know if you are hungry, sleepy or thirsty?



> if I try to go back to sleep I just can't, if I don't I am exhausted... so basically I am exhausted all day long.


So you can feel that you are tired, you can feel some things at least...

The reason i'm saying this, is to show that we can often do something called *"catastrophizing". *I have done that many times too, its very common trend with people who expeirnce DP. For example i have convinced myself of having brain tumor, or some other rare and serious illness that only i had.

Its good to recognize this, to realize we are stressing ourselves even more by focusing on how bad we feel, and then convincing ourselves we are even worse.

So to finalize this. I think i know how you feel, i have felt like that too. The advice i think i can give you, is the basic stuff i do for myself, eat a healthy diet, try to get yourself to exercise,even if you begin with a 20 min walk everyday. Diet and exercise are good, because they will give us more physical energy, and also they do make us have a little more of a mental clarity.

Other than that, what i do for myself is meditation, breathing meditation, trying to relax, also trying to not focus and ruminate about my symptons. I'm sorry there isn't much i can say, i wish i could help you more. I honestly think these simple things i said can help you begin to recover.

Hope this helps in some way


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Hey Mezona! At least you are not alone in this. I wanna share a good tip with you that has helped me many times, whether i'm feeling bad or already somewhat ok. Eat lots of healthy food! Eat a big healthy dinner! eat breakfast, lunch and something in the evening too. And drink lots of water throughout the whole day. It might feel like alot of work if you are as bad as you sound. Make it simple for yourself. Go to the store and buy lots of (healthy) food that is easy to both consume and prepare.

No one can make big promises for you, but i DO promise you this! If you do this everyday, you will at least feel a little better that if you didn't. 100% has never NOT worked for me. Also, this works from day 1. There's something about having that "full" feeling that makes your brain more relaxed, and it just makes sense for your body. Same with drinking lots of water and going to the toilet. It doesn't have to be 100% healthy, but you know, try to keep it that way  Feeling "full" on unhealthy food is 5x better than going empty.


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## Lostherheart (Jan 23, 2017)

I don't understand why there's not more help for us! There's always people researching new cures for all different kinds of diseases and problems but here we are left suffering the day in and day out with no help no relief. We are all human beings and I don't know why we have been left to suffer like this. I look at my life I look at the life I have and it's nothing even close to each other. Have a great husband and 2 amazing boys that I cherished and now I've left with no emotions I cannot feel love for them I can hardly do anything I'm just left here to suffer.


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## Iron (Feb 13, 2017)

I can very relate to the inability to remember your own past (e.g. picture your past in your head), the short term memory problems, brain numbness and the feeling of living in a complete void. In addition to that I also suffer from a complete blank mind (literally no stream of thoughts) and a lack of all emotions. My identity or consciousness seems to be wiped. Its like living in an empty shell. Every day feels like the same. And it seems you are completely disconnected from the world. I also tried all kind of therapies, but without any success.

I have this condition for some years, the first 2 years were the most difficult for me. Most of the time I didn't have enough energy to get out of the bed and simply wanted to die. But I can definitely see a difference between the beginning and now.

At this moment I accepted my condition and don't suffer from it anymore. I have much more energy than before and am also able to socialize much more than before. While my symptoms are still the same I'm not constantly aware of them, it just feels normal.

There are 5 stages I had to go through to reach this point:

1. Denial

2. Anger (Why did it happen to me?)

3. Fear / Suffering (That it never ends)

4. Grief / Suicidal thoughts (I don't want to live like this)

5. Acceptance

Acceptance is indeed the key factor. Acceptance may not improve your symptoms instantly but it will indeed improve how you handle and live with them. It takes a long way to reach this stage but its not impossible. Don't isolate yourself from the world, that's what I did in the beginning. It only makes it worse. Keep your mind as busy as often as your can, even if you can't follow a movie, or feel emotions during listening to music, or if you cant socialize, do it anyways. The less you are actively aware of your symptoms the more you get used to them and will be able to accept them.


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Does it sound like dissociation though?


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## ToTo (Oct 6, 2015)

I really feel for you and I can relate to everything you've mentioned. I remember when I first signed in dpselfhelp, when the chat was active with alot of people, we had some conversations about dp and the physical symptoms. I think you are the most member in here whom her symptoms resembles mine.

Remember when we talked about dp and how bad it is and we had suicidal thoughts?! I had this shit for 4 years now. The first two was manageable. Until I recoverd then relapsed, then when the real version of dp started. I've been off work since that day. But guess what, I've been occupying a new one for two months now. And this gets me to the point I want to say to you.

I won't say this is going to cure your dp, because no one has the magical formula to treat this *********** illness or mental issue or neurological disorder, whatever you want to call it doesn't matter. Because there's no clear criteria or diagnosis for this hellish disorder. Just forget about it. Assume that this is the new version of you and that's there's nothing wrong with you until you're cured. If not, so this is the new version of you. 
Take it's advantages and through its disadvantages in the trash. For instance, dp makes you numb and can't recall old memories or at least you don't feel that these memories belongs to you. Bingo, if any types of memory disturbs you or even slightly bother you, then no problem, they're not yours and you can't feel them. Use dp as a shield against anything that bothers you. Disadvantages!!! Can't remember what you've planned to do!!! Take it easy. Think about what you were going to do. List the priorities and write it down in a paper. And don't be hard on yourself or in a hurry. Just take your time.

If you are not having a job at the moment, I suggest you to get one. It's not about the money. Think about it and see what type of job that suits you better according to your abilities while having dp. Believe me, I'm not just assuming or talking non sense. And I've done it and experience it myself. Having a job and a regular routine pattern will help alot to cope with dp. Firstly, many hours of the day will be consumed by work. Those hours will save you the thinking about dp and your current situation. Secondly, going out and interacting with people will make you gradually able of spontaneous reactions, like, talking, working, etc. And that in its part would train your brain how to act normal even while having dp. And thirdly, having a bodily activity will make your physical symptoms more easier to handle. When you get back home you will miss your comfortable zone cause you've been away from it for at least six hours. You'll feel like you have accomplished your day and you just want to go sit in your comfortable home instead of sitting in your room 24/7 panicking about dp. In the beginning, holding a job with dp isn't going to be easy. Give it a week or two at most, then it'll be easy to handle. When you have your day off you'll feel like you're stuck in a very long day with dp and with no human interaction what so ever.

And as pondererer said, eat whenever you're hungry, sleep whenever you feel like the desire to. For me myself, before having dp, I was able to sleep very few hours and be fresh and get whatever I have to do done. Also, meals, I could go a full day without eating anything and don't feel anything wrong. After having dp, I've noticed that many times, if I'm a bit hungry dp increases and the obsessive thoughts storm my mind like I'm literally going to lose it. Same thing happens if I didn't get enough sleep. I don't even sit the alarm to wake me up. I have to sleep until my body gets enough rest and I wake up by myself.

Dp makes us already drained off our mind and mood stamina. Surrounded yourself with everything you like. Everything that makes you feel positive. Whether it's a movie you like, a friend that makes you feel good and charge you with positive energy, even if it's only a phone call, a type of music you like listening to, or even eating your favorite chocolate bar.


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