# Tony Montana



## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

I am Rob, 16 years old. I havn't kept track of how long i deal with this crap but I know I had hyperventilation for some time with panic and some later I had a real tough ass full blown panic attack and afther that just dP/dr till now.
Excuse my English I am foreign and almost a drop out. lol I'm not feeling into going to details any further we all know what it is about and symptoms are just that.

So I've read this "After 11 Years, I Feel Like Myself Again" thread yesterday which had good insights imo and started just accepting the symptoms. I toke a shower and just completely relaxed (I had trouble taking a shower too just like some of you lol), I thought the water felt wierd and was afraid if it was too hot or too cold because i couldn't feel it that well but I just ignored that and sat in the shower and I felt slight bits of my old self coming back slowly. At some point I felt "relaxed" which was as if it was new to me but felt great and sort of frightening. when i got out and toke a breath i felt RELIEVED. And i mean relieved from breathing alone, bieng in control of it, at ease. At a later point i called a friend (who had the same kind of shit) to talk about it and was not feeling i had to cut off the conversation as soon as possible and didn't feel uncomfortable about talking and actually heard my self talking again.

So I am now putting on the Tony Montana frame. Whenever i feel symptoms I say to myself out loud or inside: "Ok fucking symptons You wanna fuck with me You wanna fuck with the best? wanna play games? I take your fucking symptoms! I take you all to fucking hell! You need a billion symptoms to take me down!" I did this a couple of times today and I just felt like Tony myself, INVINCIBLE and really believing it.

I feel so fucking strong right now I even want dp/dr to come back completely so I can take it down again and again and get even stronger!

Thanks dpselfhelp.com

Rob


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## nu-power (Sep 27, 2006)

[quote name="Scarface"]

Whenever i feel symptoms I say to myself out loud or inside: "I take your flower* symptoms! I take them all to flower* hell! You need a billion symptoms to take me down!" I did this a couple of times today and I just felt like Tony myself, INVINCIBLE and really believing it.

I feel so flower* strong right now I even want dp/dr to come back completely so I can take it down again and again and get even stronger!

thats great keep on never be afraid , never listen to ur negative thoughts.

and you will get stronger  best wishes


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

feel like almost 100% severe headache tho


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## nu-power (Sep 27, 2006)

acording to recovered dp's posts. they all said that headache is one big

symptom for recovery. if so. congratulations again


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

Many people with dissociation (like DP/DR), stress, anxiety etc. often get headaches. It's because there is alot of tension inside your head. So you don't have to be recovering for that.


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

Ok I had a little relapse when i tried to go to sleep(with oxazepam, my mother forces me becouse otherwise I can't sleep and fuck up school) last night. It was like I was floating and in a rollercoaster and some unexplainable shit, atleast I fall asleep. Whatever maybe it's the pills or something. Now it's 9 am and it turned out I don't have to go to school yet so I decided to go to work instead. I had some agrophobia, But that vanished. I work at a supermarket which I really enjoy.

btw one day i toke a shit load of chocolade and I felt the TRUE 100% for a whole evening, that was amazing. chcolade in huge amounts is like fucking pot. It gave me hope to try new things to get better, instead of fighting and avoiding it.

Listen to the lyrics of this song, it's true.


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

it is so incredible. I havn't felt so good in months. I shouldn't get too excited tho.

Reality is something that is created by men. We all made our own reality here on earth. But we can't live without feeling of reality we all know that. Just like when we are in a "normal" state of mind when you think about life really deep you can't handle it. everythnig becomes pointless and it is. you quickly go on with your life and don't think about it again. Actually there is no reality at all, just fantasy. think about it, look at the world. What are we doing? Laws, rules, culture, all our fantasy/reality becouse we are too scared to lose the feeling of reality. The sad thing is we actually CAN't get out of reality anymore. You'll either get murdered, isolated or arrested.

In the end it all doesn't matter though. We made our own reality afther all , to make our lifes make sense. 
Don't get depressed now, why would you? Have fun and face your fear.


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## Guest (Aug 22, 2007)

Agree but I think its more we create our PERCEPTION of reality.
Reality is a fact. Its objective. Your beliefs can only alter ur perception of it.
Like if you believe I'm a crazy serial killer in ypour perception everytime you read my name u be like God damn thats a crazy fucker. But it wont make me a serial killer even if ur 100% sure of it.

So yeah we create our own perception of it, but reality is real. A fact.
People are real, they exist. You were born into this world and u made sense of it as you grew up. facts are facts and opinions are opinions, there is difference


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

Work sucked. I was feeling dp/dr again and made many mistakes because of it. When I came back home I felt good again. It's hard at a place like work to really relax from the inside like I do to relieve myself from dp/dr.


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

got a full relapse now 1 1/2 days


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

I'm taking oxazepam and going to bed. Gotta keep my hope and talk with my doc about antidepressant or some sort monday. I just can't get comfortable anywhere and numbness. Can barely coiridinate. like sitting down is a big journey. It's so fucked up. I feel like i've just been sitting somewhere doing completely nothing all day while bieng in hell. Fuck tony montana too. Nothing helps at that point. *Nothing.* believe me, I had all day to try everything heh, including ignoring it. You can't ignore it if you can't fucking do anything in the first place! It's usually my legs that are the most numb and insecure. I usually feel the best in the morning and evening, but everything about this day sucked my balls. I guess this is what I get for having a good time for 4 days. 
Can anyone relate to dry mouth and thirstyness every 5 mins?
btw can I grow out of this shit since I'm just 16?
Do I got a fucking mental disease at all?? I wasn't even feeling anxious most of the time...


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

yeah that felt just like the first episode, only it is a little less panic but the same symptons. The present is hell yet the past seems to have flown by. Only time heals now.
Atleast it is more bearable today. This is no life tho. I am extremely tired and exhausted right now but I have done nothing. I was supose to buy a scooter today which I where excited about in my good days but I wasn't feeling it anymore.

Again I don't have real anxiety(anymore) so I don't get it, altho sound and touch etc. may feel scary in some way but It seems impossible to not to get afraid of it some way Only time heals at this moment. I am wondering right now where all this text came from. Short term mem. is fucked up too. I think i've had every sympton possible. This is starting to get boring and old.
So everytime I get better I relapse eh. wow great life. No I can't live like that I lose friends, pussy and what not this way. I need stableness to progress in normal things like relationships, school, career, my goals etc.
It destroys everything.
Fuck all this shit tho who cares, what are you gonna do.
It was sorta a relieve to type this down.
ciao


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

So I have very high heart beating, I can barely feel my breath. Everything get number throughout the day. I have no fear whatsoever that could couse this increase of heart beat.I felt like I was going to die in my bed last night and thought "Yeah this is it, I'm going to die. Finally no more suffering. This is truly dieing like a man. haha It's been fun on this earth but my heart is about to explode or something I supose ciao" (toke oxazepam, otherwise I am sure I could NEVER sleep in this situation.) At some point I guess I just felt asleep I guess and woke up this morning(like an hour ago) with normal heart beatings, for a few mins. I actually am NOT that dp/dr'd anymore.

Ignoring it: impossible. Taking it easy: Not possible.

I consider just calling 911 today. It's just uncopable.


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

Just someone tell me what the posibilities are. This is bullshit.


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

taking 30 mg oxazepam througout the day to cope now, should have done that long time ago. Still symptons but atleast I am more calm. Proffesional help thursday. Had an in-take conversation with some institution they are talking about taking me for observation but they arn't forcing it. Physically I can't even walk for 15 mins anymore let alone do sports(I "am" very fit) without getting dissy and feel like floating and all the shit. I am fucking up school, can't concentrate on it at all. The world sometimes seems to get very small and I focus on something like playing with a pencil or whatever. When I look at my hand close, it looks distant in some way and something far away seems closer. the first part of this week at school I couldn't do anything (I am forced to go to school), hard to explain to people eh. It's a f*ck excuse too. I might aswell say I have a head tumor so I get the understanding that is needed lol. I still have almost no anxiety anymore I faced it all so that is not a problem anymore(except at really tough moments). Hell I arn't even afraid to go schizo. I mean who cares what can you do? Make the best of whatever happens to you. I changed the way I expiernce fear, I don't avoid it. It's nothing really, just see it for what it is.

I went from a great life and wonderful future to this incredible blockade. It's really like your life has changed, and will never be the same forever.

ow and yeah I called 911 lol I didnt feel anything physically and mentally and only had a little bit of myself left. The fuckers just said are you under stress? then went to the doc post at the hospital and they said I have an extreme depression. I wasn't f*cking depressed I just didn't feel anything can't they do their fucking job anymore. No wonder alot people find out they have some disease way too late.
I feel incredibly strong for coping with this for so long, yet so weak physically. Mentally I want to do everything again.
Enough.


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

I'm going to get fully checked physically. Going to some doc that puts me on a healthy diet. Going back to gym.
Going to the best mental institution in my country.
I am not going to walk around with this any longer I will not waste my best years to it. I don't allow this in my life. If I keep this I can never accomplish the goals I have made for myself.
hell there are some people afther to kill me(lol no hallucination btw, my parents know) and I can't even care in the state I am in. The way I want to die is by gun anyway. lol Theres something cool to it. "you are sick dude" Damn fucking right.
I read somewhere schizofrenia only excists in western countries becouse they eat sugar, grain etc. there can someone confirm this?

Create jobs? drop litter!


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## everstoned (Aug 14, 2007)

Still alive. Couldnt sleep at all last night becouse I was out of pills. Was a fucked up day untill now becouse i toke my last oxazepam 10mg. Can't sleep on that tho. The doc don't want to give more becouse he thinks its irresponsible to make a 16 year old addicted to oxazepam. understandable i guess he must feel like a drug dealer. I'm eating healthy now and take supplements recommended from a dietician. she also gave me Kava-Kava (30% standardised) 300mg capsules, taking it 3 x 1 capsules a day. It should be some kind of natural antidepressant relaxing anti-anxiety sort of thing, works within a week. Hoping for good results on that, if anyone can tell me more about it it would be really appreciated. The dietician actually told me my guts could be malfunctioning(sensitive for grains, milk, sugar etc.) and make "fake hormons" that give me the feeling of bieng stonded and restless and what not. I might see a specialist to get a camera up my ass before i start those medicine's for it, takes 9 months to get cured for it so i don't want to just start something im not sure about. It usually feels like the symptoms start before the angst so it's worth a shot.

I'm sick of this government shrink institute "GGZ" they are going to court for the second time now to ask to get supervision over me(first time it was rejected) and my family lol it's crazy sad. They do it becouse they think I'm rejecting their help and have a criminal history or some crap. they will find out they are doing something pointless anyway.

Funny how I am glad to feel I broke my toe whilest bieng numb earlier, right now. :wink:

I found out I have anxiety longer then I thought but less symptoms (I think i have severe symptoms for almost a year now). I heard i was terified of fire in the house when i was really young like 4 or 5(F*ck ads!). and when i was 10+ i was scared of ghosts/spirits way more then my classmates who talked about it alot. the anxiety would stabalize afther not talking/thinking about it for a few days and have enough sleep. I just sometimes get to points where i simply can't control anxiety.

ciao


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