# Scared & Lonely.. DP.



## cl1mb123 (Jan 21, 2014)

Before I start... I just want to thank you so much for reading this. This is the scariest thing I've ever had happen to me in my life and the comfort I get from knowing that someone else had/is having the same experience as me is invaluable.

I'm 24 years old, have a boyfriend of 5 years, graduated college a few years ago, have a full time career. I definitely didn't have the perfect life growing up, but I was in a good spot that's for sure. Last January, almost a year ago, I did acid (I have no idea what type of acid...but I definitely got the acid like symptoms - technically it could have been any drug) for the first time with speed as well on a cruise. I always told myself I would never ever do it.. ever. I always had a preconceived notion that it would mess me up for life.. but that night I made a terrible decision. I found someone in the crowd on the dance floor and he said 'I'm tripping, do you want some?' I told him sure, why not. This was after I had taken speed (which I had also never taken before). I went and bought a water bottle and he put some drops in my drink and replied "whoever takes a drink of this is going to be super f'd up". I chugged the entire bottle like an idiot. I was vomiting 10 minutes later.. uncontrollably. I went into our room with my bf and I was in a constant panic attack for 3 hours.. getting up to vomit, drinking too much water because I was flipping s***, crying.. asking him if he was really who he was because I didn't even know who he was. The same situation happened for him of course - although he was much more composed because he HAD to be. I didn't tell him what the guy said, so he also chugged all of his. If he had known, he wouldn't have let me. He had done it once before. He had to be composed though, even though he clearly had too much the same as I did - because I thought I was dying. I told him to take me to the doctor.. thank god he didn't because it might have costed us thousands of dollars. I literally thought I was going to die.. even typing this now is making me shake and have anxiety. Our friends were desperately looking for us but I was too scared to answer our door... so three hours later, I finally answered because I knew I needed help. I told my friends what had happened and they convinced me to go watch a DJ. I sat there, thinking I was going to pee my pants the entire time, and then vomited all over the place because I didn't even know it was coming.. I didn't sleep that night after it calmed down. In the morning, we had to get up and go with our friends even though we simply laid there the entire night trying to sleep (so awful) - I tried to take xanax (I had a prescription previously to this) to try to sleep and it didn't even affect me. When we got up, faces were still "melting" (I hate using that term, people think it's funny but it's not to me) - I couldn't even put on my own makeup because looking in the mirror was so scary. This was like 12 hours after taking it.. by the way.

That is the story of what happened. Now, the aftermath.

I get home - I don't feel normal at all.. I used to smoke weed before the cruise, but I couldn't anymore because of the anxiety it would give me. It got worse and worse. I had so much anxiety I thought I was going nuts. I couldn't talk about it because I felt so crazy and that people would think I was crazy if I did. I wanted to kill myself (I still think about it sometimes.. but I seriously wanted to.. I can't even explain the feelings I had and still have (it's getting better - I'll explain why), but I'm sure you probably know what I'm talking about to some extent. I couldn't sleep.. I couldn't eat.. I would wake up mid sleep and see shapes and figures (scary ones).. one time, I woke up and thought someone was standing at the end of our bed.. I still have this sometimes (scary shapes and figures in the dark). I don't smoke anymore because I don't even want to risk it.

Eventually, I started therapy. I explained everything that had happened and she said that she thinks it's my past that came to haunt me and make me think about things differently when I was tripping.. which is entirely possible from what I've read - but regardless, that didn't help anything...

I tried this for like 4 weeks (I'm still going).. but I still couldn't handle it. I couldn't take xanax because it made me tired during the day, I tried taking a bit less (I didn't have a prescription anymore but had leftovers from when I did have one).. but it didn't help. I couldn't work, couldn't focus.. I had anxiety ALL the time - that endless pit in your stomach.. it never went away.

I decided to look up psychiatrists and I found one that my therapist recommended. She is awesome and I told her how I don't want to take a whole bunch of drugs because I'm scared of taking medicines and I'm scared of "not being myself".. obviously you know why (depersonalization). I didn't want to make it any worse. She prescribed me xanax for sleeping only and also Lamictil. It's for epilepsy.. it helped tremendously with the anxiety..

However, the depersonalization still exists. I'm so scared it will never go away and I don't know how to cope. It's here more than it's not here.. I get hints of it randomly.. at work, talking to people, at home for sure when I look at my boyfriend. It's odd, I think, he's just here all the time but I don't notice him anymore? That makes no sense. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am. I have no sense of self... and I think about how I don't feel like myself all the time, which I know makes it worse.. I also feel "dumber". I don't remember things that I used to remember.. and I have a hard time learning things now even though I didn't use to. Thinking about why I'm here is too much for me to handle thinking about.. I hardly remember my past anymore. I even sometimes can't remember what I did yesterday or ate..

The worst part is.. I've made some really terrible decisions since this happened.. decisions I would NEVER have made previously.

I am so lost and scared.. and no one but any of you really know how I feel.

I just wrote you all a novel and I'm sorry for it.. but I felt the need to explain everything. I really hope someone reads this.. (


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## Newky (Dec 11, 2013)

You needn't apologise, all your feelings are perfectly valid and important.

Very interesting story, I tried to visualise it and could relate to a lot of it.

You're not alone... But I can't help but say, try not to seek too much solace in feeling the same way as other DPers, it's something you want to eliminate in your life.


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## cl1mb123 (Jan 21, 2014)

Newky said:


> You needn't apologise, all your feelings are perfectly valid and important.
> 
> Very interesting story, I tried to visualise it and could relate to a lot of it.
> 
> You're not alone... But I can't help but say, try not to seek too much solace in feeling the same way as other DPers, it's something you want to eliminate in your life.


Thank you.. when I signed up here, I wondered if this would make it worse? I've read so much online about how the more you *don't* think about it, the easier it gets.. but right now that is so difficult for me, so I do find some comfort in that fact that I am not alone.. that I am NOT crazy.. even though I feel crazy.

Sometimes I wonder if DP is just some weird state of mind.. I mean, I know it is.. but sometimes I do feel normal when I don't get the random spouts of it (which is quite frequently) or when I'm not thinking about it. I guess that is 'normal'? But then again, it isn't.. because I don't remember things, etc. Some people said the memory thing is because we constantly think about anxiety / DP.. but I don't have a TON of anxiety as before (since I started Lamictal) so I don't know if that's it.

I wish I could fix whatever chemical is messed up in my brain that is making this happen... I wish there was a switch that I could flip. It makes me lose hope that so many people have had this for such an extended period of time.. and then when I think about that, when the DP is at it's worst, I think that suicide could be better... that's awful to say.. life is beautiful, it really is, but when DP is on my mind I get hopeless?

I hope any of that makes sense.


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## live1light (Oct 1, 2013)

Please message me.
I am a 16 year old female and acid triggered mine. I would like to share my story with you.


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## Slim_Shady41 (Jan 23, 2014)

I believe I may be able to help you, and many other people that have this disorder! I am only 16 and have recently got weed induced dp. I figured it was lasting effects of the weed, but after a few days I researched and found this site! I have managed to get rid of the dissociation and think that it is truly all in your head! After finding out what it was I figured it was uncurable, and after trying to find the positive in it (telling myself "I guess it's kinda like being high all the time which is cool") I noticed that I didn't feel it anymore! And before that I noticed that the more I looked for the symptoms the more they were there. So basically if you accept it and find a way to see the positive in it, it may just go away!


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