# No childhood memories?



## Cheesy_peas (Dec 14, 2005)

I think it's strange that I hardly have any memories from when I was little, up until about 8. I only have very short memory flashes of me and my siblings, but I don't seem to remember my parents at all. Maybe it's not all that strange since they were never there for me, they were very emotionally unavailable (and still are). It was hardly a loving household I grew up in. Just... emotionless. No love, no security, no caring, nothing. Well, the thing is, my parents got a divorce when I was around 6, and I don't remember that at all. I'm guessing it had to be some kind of trauma for me, because I'm still so very afraid of being abandoned, but it's like something has been deleted from my brain, because I just can't remember. These suppressed memories are getting rather frustrating - I want to remember so I can finally move on without the anxiety they cause. Is there any way to "unlock" suppressed memories?


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## Neko (Feb 18, 2006)

It's possible that your mind isolated your bad experiences and pushed them away. I have to say that my memory of most things is somewhat foggy, especially as young child. I do, however, remember a great number of specific incidents, none of them too important, such as eating mint chocolate ice cream at a Twins game, how my mom scared me once and made me cry, how I got my first trike, falling in a parking lot and scraping my knee...none of these were particularily traumatizing.

I'm not sure how to unlock memories, but I do know sometimes they come back to me in dreams or just randomly pop into my head. It's a mystery as to how the brain works regarding memory.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Hypnosis can certain unlock memories you didn?t know you had. In my first hypnosis session I remembered a significant trauma from when I was about 5yrs old. But I soon lost trust in my therpist, who didn?t seem to understand me, and used a very rigid method rather than customising his techniques to the problem in hand. After that first session I never regressed again. But it was a powerful experience and I am glad I retrieved it because it gives me a glimpse into what was a very dark time in my life, whilst at the same time showing me that the unconscious definately exists! A lot gets forgetten out of sheer convenience. It is not convenient to go around consciously aware of all these awful unresolved situations. But that doesn?t mean they didn?t happen and they aren?t effecting one?s life on some level.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I don't think anyone really has extensive memories of their childhood before 8 years old. You've already mentioned that you have some - and i'm sure you could dig up more if you had the proper cues.

I wouldn't worry about it.

EDIT: I also wanted to say it is probably not productive to 'unlock' memories - there is no evidence that supressed memories even exist, and probing in to your past looking for memories can produce false memories. It's just not worthwhile.


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## Cheesy_peas (Dec 14, 2005)

Yeah, I've thought about the risk of creating false memories, and of course I wouldn't want to do that. It's just that most people seem to remember most of their childhood from age five or so, and I have always wondered why I can't do that. I don't know, it just feels like it would be easier to cope with whatever childhood trauma(s) I had if I could only remember them. Perhaps my biggest trauma was the feeling of being abandoned by my parents, a feeling so powerful and painful that I don't want to remember it ever again... nah, I don't know, I'm just guessing because I'm curious to find out.


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## jft (Jan 10, 2005)

Cheesy. I often have wondered why I too have so little memory of childhood. I too remember a few anecedotal things but nothing lasting or grounding, nothing making me nostlalgic for those wonder years. I too was raised in an emotionless home with huge fears of abandonment and rejection. I actually have not one recollection of being held or hugged by my parents. Because of this and much much more I tend to surmize that the issue of memory is not of suppressed memory but instead that there really was not alot of significance to remember. I remember being and feeling bored and scared. And then bored again. And alone. But if nothing else much was there, then why would we remember it? This is a sad picture, but it is reality for me. It is how I explain my lack of memory.

jft


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Cheesy_peas said:


> Yeah, I've thought about the risk of creating false memories, and of course I wouldn't want to do that. It's just that most people seem to remember most of their childhood from age five or so, and I have always wondered why I can't do that. I don't know, it just feels like it would be easier to cope with whatever childhood trauma(s) I had if I could only remember them. Perhaps my biggest trauma was the feeling of being abandoned by my parents, a feeling so powerful and painful that I don't want to remember it ever again... nah, I don't know, I'm just guessing because I'm curious to find out.


Memory is a tough thing to judge. If someone said "Remember age 6" to me - I draw a completely blank - not ONE thing comes to my mind. Same if I think "Remember what my Mom and Dad were like when I was 6" - nothing but blanks.

Memory needs cues to work from - if someone says "Remember when your grandma took you on that trip to florida when you were 6" - I can then remember it - trying to just "remember" a period of your life is nearly impossible.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

For some reason, I have many memories aged 4-6, and 9-10, but not in between!


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## Cheesy_peas (Dec 14, 2005)

jft: That makes sense, I guess that there is not much to remember for me either. But I don't remember any feelings either, and I must have had some. Not even being bored or alone. Or perhaps I didn't feel anything, who knows?

Matt210: My therapist said something similar to me a while ago, that we remember things from childhood by talking about them, that our parents or whoever keep them alive by bringing them up. Of course my parents never talked to me very much about anything, so I guess it's possible that my memories just faded. I try to give myself cues, but it doesn't work (go figure).

But it's funny, because I don't have many clear memories from when I was depressed either, so a few years of my life is just a blur. Not much to remember from then either, I guess.

Well, I was just curious to know if it's normal or if I'm some kind of freak.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

miss_starling said:


> For some reason, I have many memories aged 4-6, and 9-10, but not in between!


Wow - just out of curiosity I am wondering how you know this? How on earth can you distinguish exactly when a memory happened? I am assuming you have some sort of cues (ex. from 6-9 you lived in a different house - and you have no strong memories of being at that house? i'm just giving an example to show what i mean).

I don't understand how it is possible to know exactly when you have memories from - Maybe i'm the unusual one here - but my memories just are - I can usually guess when they are from when I recall them, but its not like my past is laid out behind me like a calender and i know when there are blanks.


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

'Betrayal trauma' by Jennifer Freyd is a landmark science 
book on how childhood trauma and memory/amnesia are related.

M


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## jft (Jan 10, 2005)

There are many roads that lead to onset of dp/dr, but this thread I think speaks to maybe one road. Maybe folks like me with no memory of childhood who maybe never were traumitized in the obvious sense never needed to suppress nasty memories. But maybe the effects of less than desirable contact with life in the family context could have the same effects as trauma. Maybe the lack of what was supposed to be there but was not could be just as harming in the road to dp land. I swear this scenario could force oneself into a prediposition ripe for the taking. 
jft


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

jft said:


> There are many roads that lead to onset of dp/dr, but this thread I think speaks to maybe one road. Maybe folks like me with no memory of childhood who maybe never were traumitized in the obvious sense never needed to suppress nasty memories. But maybe the effects of less than desirable contact with life in the family context could have the same effects as trauma. Maybe the lack of what was supposed to be there but was not could be just as harming in the road to dp land. I swear this scenario could force oneself into a prediposition ripe for the taking.
> jft


Jft: Yes...
*"But maybe the effects of less than desirable contact with life in the family context could have the same effects as trauma. Maybe the lack of what was supposed to be there"*

And "casual" neglect is as bad as verbal abuse, or no sense of love or contact, even if there are no attacks, etc. And the experience and very definition of stress is different/unique to each individual.

Predisposition to dissociate ---> Stressor (multiple kinds) -----> over a long period of time ----> can lead to all manner of distress.

"Trauma" or stress needn't be of a particular kind to cause problems with someone. I can't speak for memory necessarily, but there's that concept of the "good enough parent" as I say. One who is neither abusive, nor overly protective, nor smothering ... I'd say a parent who gives a child a healthy balanced sense of Self, helps CREATE that sense of Self will end up with a healthier happier child.

But in Dr. Simeon's book... shoot it's loaned to my shrink... it says that verbal/mental abuse is associated more w/DP for instance than physical abuse (I think... someone correct me if that's wrong).

But also, in the case studies in the book, individuals seemed to have chronic worries/concerns that were particular to their own identies, and these concerns were chronic, long standing. I think chronicity plays a role, a lack of proper intervention, lack of being able to communicate fears/concerns..... etc.

Interesting for me is I have extremely vivid childhood memories. I always measured/remembered things -- such as school years, vacations, yes "events." But there was endless chaos in my home. And I mean from the day I was born, and yes, my mother would remind me of this and a million other things over and over. Some were true, some not, but things got stamped on my brain. Hammered into it.

I can say there was screaming and carrying on in my house almost daily until my mother threw my father out. Then she screamed at me and everyone else in her path. I in turn turned to screaming and crying back at her. Outside of that house ... I had a completely different demeanor. Pleased everyone. Everyone's best friend. And the events in the house were kept secret.

I had a solid "exterior" life, the shell. Same home for my whole life. Same small private school Pre-K through 12 (75 students in my graduating class, some I'd known for 10 years). Same friends. Same camp, a music camp for 6 summers, and at least one major vacation to a foreign country or something unusual every year

These BIG events help me recall other things. Horrible and wonderful. And I'm terribly sentimental and cling to things from the past, or in a pathological sense try to "undo them", "fix them."

Also, from early on I kept journals. I also have passports, postcards, letters that I saved. In writing my website, I pulled a lot of this "history" together. Before my father died in 1990 I tried to verify things. Etc.

For me, DP/DR has never "spared" me from anything. This is what is confusing to me. And I have it now, a bearable level I have all the time, as I type this.

Granted, when I was far sicker, when I had long, horrifying epsiodes of DP/DR (they come together for me), and I have fewer BIG episodes these days, then, well "I am dead." I can't feel anything. I "don't exist."

And this happens when my anxiety increases ... the greater my anxiety/fear of failure/fear of making a horrible mistake the worse the DP/DR.

Rambling.

I am very emotional. And yet I have had DP/DR since childhood. And to be honest, I couldn't say what came first as I certainly don't recall perhaps the first two years of my life. There are many photos. Many. And many memories.

Again, not 100% accurate, but not repressed.
Go figure. And here I type. I don't feel anxious. I'm tired but can't sleep ... ? And I am about 40% DP/DR. About the usual. But better and more stable a level over the past year or more.

D


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

In the light of day, I see I wasn't clear.

I feel in healthy families, a parent, an extended family CREATES memories. The healthy parent encourages the child, stimulates the child in the proper ways, to that the child feels confident, feels he/she can communicate fears/concerns that will always come up.

Good memories are reinforced. "Quality time" as they say. I see good parents really participate in their kids schooling/homework, really concerned if they are concerned. Family outings or games or family dinners are important. The parent is responsible for helping build the inner core of the child to a great extent, no matter what the child's Nature is. Yes, nature will always be there, but I think in terms of anxiety, it can be better controlled (when a child grows up) if he/she had POSITIVE parenting, not just passive parenting, or obviously destructive parenting.

I think no matter what dilemma a young person faces, it causes anxiety. Stress causes anxiety. And if this anxiety isn't resolved it can fester. I guess that's a clearer sense of my theory.

But if a child is raised with active intent by the parent to provide SINCERE love and discipline and to create a sense of safety in the child, they help create a more stable sense of SELF in the child.

I would think, even an anxious child by nature would have a far better time in such a family. He/she might still get DP, or still get mental illness in the future, but I guess in my case, I know part of my problems come from my upbringing, no doubt. It was disastrous. And I see this in my one HEALTHY cousin's family .... his kids/grandkids are healthy/happy. And my other cousin's family ... her one son is miserable, the other is bipolar (which she didn't cause) -- too long a story, but comparing the two families you see health produced greater mental health in one, and dysfunction produced greater unhappiness/dysfunction in the other.

But a perfectly healthy, loving family can have a mentally ill child.

Etc.
Best,
D
Didn't mean to hijack the thread.
As Richard Rhodes said (he had a awful childhood) something like
"A good childhood shouldn't depend on luck."


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## Cheesy_peas (Dec 14, 2005)

Dreamer: Good point there, that loving parents help create a sense of self. I guess that's one reason for why I got dp in the first place - I never got the sense of safety and sense of self that I needed as a child.

I never got the chance to develop skills for dealing with emotions either, I'm just learning that now, as an adult. It makes me sad that I missed so much when I grew up. It's like void inside. My parents don't even realise that it's important (like, the most important thing in the world) to show love and affection, and they never have. How can they NOT get that?! :evil:


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## jft (Jan 10, 2005)

An added note is along your lines Dreamer, the thing of passive parenting. i grew up in the age of "children are to seen and not heard" and it was carried out to the hilt in public, church and school. But what affected me so strongly in this context was was the passive parenting in the home as well as this hideous idea of people pleasing, that we were to never rattle anyone, always think first of others, be willing to be stepped on if it made someone else feel better, and never show what you feel if it is not accepable to others. This speaks real well to the development of a non self, the opposite of what you spoke of Dreamer in positive parenting. It is being "other directed", other than your self. I truly feel I grew up with a very flimsy ego because of this and I truly believe that this is also fertile ground for onset of dp/dr. It is interesting how when I developed my "pure o" that the nature of most of my ruminations were wondering if I offended anyone. And then I stared too long inside and examined too much and eventually i broke, with a little help from Timothy Leary and some good old anxiety.. Sounds like an accurate paradigm to me.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

jft said:


> An added note is along your lines Dreamer, the thing of passive parenting. i grew up in the age of "children are to seen and not heard" and it was carried out to the hilt in public, church and school. But what affected me so strongly in this context was was the passive parenting in the home as well as this hideous idea of people pleasing, that we were to never rattle anyone, always think first of others, be willing to be stepped on if it made someone else feel better, and never show what you feel if it is not accepable to others. This speaks real well to the development of a non self, the opposite of what you spoke of Dreamer in positive parenting. It is being "other directed", other than your self. I truly feel I grew up with a very flimsy ego because of this and I truly believe that this is also fertile ground for onset of dp/dr. It is interesting how when I developed my "pure o" that the nature of most of my ruminations were wondering if I offended anyone. And then I stared too long inside and examined too much and eventually i broke, with a little help from Timothy Leary and some good old anxiety.. Sounds like an accurate paradigm to me.


jft, exactly. And this is what stress is. It takes many forms. This again illustrates our uniqueness in terms of personality development/pathology, but I can identify with what you're saying 100%. I think this theory brings Nature/Nurture together pretty well.

*TO CLARIFY: I did not come up with the concept "good enough parent" ... I use it in a similar way to what Winnicott said re: the "good enough mother." I use my term a bit more loosely, and broadly perhaps. (see below)*

But I feel I have seen healthy families, and in those families, the child's ability to fend for him/herself, and be a decent loving human being, not afraid to live and love, seems very much connected to the parental behavior. Expectations and discipline are important. And listening to a child's concerns.

And I identify with HONESTY OF EMOTION. My mother confused the Hell out of me with "false fronts". I'm still trying to deal with that. Pleasing others, keeping secrets, simply not "being one's self" and feeling OK with that. On one level it sounds so simple so "pop pscyh", but it's true.

----------------------------------------
*"Donald W. Winnicott (1896-1971) formulated and developed the idea of the "good-enough" mother. It stands in contrast with the "perfect" mother who satisfies all the needs of the infant on the spot, thus preventing him from developing. Instead, the good-enough mother tries to provide what the infant needs, but she instinctively leaves a time lag between the demands and their satisfaction and progressively increases it. Faced with expressions of infantile rage, she waits a while, then she contains the rage gently but firmly. Her fundamentally warm, loving attitude remains in place whatever the infant does, and even when she herself experiences irritation, annoyance, or anger. She never retaliates, never takes revenge on her child. Her basic attitude overrides any mistake she makes and is bound to make. She is a master in handling negative reactions in a constructive, healing fashion. The good-enough mother's behaviour can be described with another Winnicottian concept, namely "graduated failure of adaptation". Her failure to satisfy the infant need's immediately induces the latter to compensate for the temporary deprivation by mental activity and by understanding. Thus, the infant learns to tolerate for increasingly longer periods both his ego needs and instinctual tensions. (Winnicott, 1977, p. 246)."*

--------------------------
In this context, "good enough" is better than "perfect" ... as really no one is perfect. And I take good enough in my own definition as being a normal, decent human being, and allowing the child to be a normal, decent human being. Help create that confident, loving being.

It's a rare thing these days. Families are really screwed up. And I think this is why there is such a swing back to "morality". I'm not saying that's right or wrong. It just IS.

Best,
D

*"And now we can begin."
 Portnoy's Complaint* 8)


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Cheesy_peas said:


> Dreamer: Good point there, that loving parents help create a sense of self. I guess that's one reason for why I got dp in the first place - I never got the sense of safety and sense of self that I needed as a child.
> 
> I never got the chance to develop skills for dealing with emotions either, I'm just learning that now, as an adult. It makes me sad that I missed so much when I grew up. It's like void inside. My parents don't even realise that it's important (like, the most important thing in the world) to show love and affection, and they never have. How can they NOT get that?! :evil:


*"How can they NOT get that?!"*
Dear Cheesy,
My mother was a psychiatrist, and perhaps "got it", but was so sick herself she was unable to be a mother. She used me in her own sick way to deal with her own demons I suppose. But to be honest, I try to, but I can't forgive her.

Some parents have been brought up exactly the same way. Many have no insight at all.

I guess, for any of us who are parents here, if we gain insight, we use it.

I don't know how this is supposed to change. As I always say, we all were children once. At that includes our parents.


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## freesong (Dec 26, 2005)

I have many unpleasant memories with my father from the age of 2 years on. Maybe you are better off. I think I am repressing so much rage at him and my ex-husband and I do not know how to release it. I cannot forgive them. I think my ex sexually molested my youngest daughter. She told me about it but can't remember it all. I fucking hate him and my father deep down inside and I think it is destroying me.


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