# Why?



## Ashley37 (Apr 5, 2010)

I cant think clear, and about 10 minutes ago, i tried to imagine myself worse than this, and i cant imagine it.
Ive been doing better with the coping...but wow. Out of nowhere today my vision got really distorted, i had a lump in my throat, i was on the verge of freaking out but somehow I kept my composer.

Why does it torment me so? I feel like this is some sort of Karma. I want to see like I used to, feel like I used to.

I don't think hell can describe the nightmare I endure everyday of my life. AM I crazy? Have I lost it? I have circling what ifs, and I can't see whats in front of my very eyes. No emotional color, Everything runs together like watercolor with outlines of dark black ink.But vivid...really really vivid bright lighting, it hurts to even look around. I just close my eyes. But then I start to panic, and my thoughts swirl and dance around to the point where I over-anyalze everything in my mind, my self defeating attitude is trying to find some sort of proof that I am becoming a phycotic. For moments, I forget I'm feeling that way...but it returns just as strong as before, knocking the wind out of me and setting me into a blurry, dreamy state.
It sends shivers down my spine to describe it.


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## sirreal (Mar 20, 2010)

Ashley37 said:


> I cant think clear, and about 10 minutes ago, i tried to imagine myself worse than this, and i cant imagine it.
> Ive been doing better with the coping...but wow. Out of nowhere today my vision got really distorted, i had a lump in my throat, i was on the verge of freaking out but somehow I kept my composer.
> 
> Why does it torment me so? I feel like this is some sort of Karma. I want to see like I used to, feel like I used to.
> ...


These are very common DP/DR symptoms. Just remember that there are thousands if not millions of us enduring he same torment. You don't sound like you are psychotic. People with psychosis are extremely delusional. They think that they are the messiah, or that the CIA is trying to kill them.

How long have you had these symptoms? The first 6 or 8 months for me were pretty frightening. Now I am not really frightened by it. When I realized that I had DP and not psychosis or schizophrenia the fear diminished.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Poor you







But remember, nobody here is crazy psychotic and delusional like in extreme schizophrenia. It's all about anxiety that makes you feel this way. DP affects our vision just like you described but we have all gotten used to it and it fades after a while. Have you talked to any doctors yet? Have you tried any anxiety meds? Here's a list of vitamins/supplements/herbs that have helped me:

Sam-e (raises mood)
hemp seed oil (omega 3 and possibly cannabidiol which helps anxiety)
valerian root (helps anxiety but take at night cuz it makes you sleepy)
st john's wort (herb for mood)
vitamin B complex
energy bars (loaded with vitamins)
pregnenolone (supplement for anxiety)
tryptophan or 5-htp (helps mood and anxiety)

All of these are found in your local pharmacy or vitamin/health food store or grocery store but if you are already on meds ask your doctor first before taking them since they can clash with certain meds.

Also have an eye exam to see if you have glaucoma or anything like that.

If things are really that bright for you that it's hard to see then maybe try wearing sunglasses for a while until the sensation dissappears. Just a thought.









Good luck!


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## Guest (May 1, 2010)

I know exactly how you feel. I was there for the first couple of months. Actually, only the past 2 months have better easier. I have "learned to live with it" for the most part. I would say like 80%. I still dwell on it too much but notice that if I am out of the house or talking to other people, I do not notice it at all.

It sounds like you need to learn some coping techniques and grounding techniques. I will list some here for you.

First and foremost, it sounds like you need to memorize and BELIEVE this phrase "I will not die, faint, fall, or lose control". This was given to me by my cognative behavioral therapist and she said that when you feel panic coming on, to say this abrubtly and sort of with force, as if to snap yourself out of it. I think when we panic we feel like one of the above things will happen and the truth is that none of those will happen. Honestly, DP cannot physically harm you. DP is basically a lie that your mind is telling you. The flight or flight response in the brain is stuck on and so we constantly have the signal that we are in imminate danger. But we aren't. Look around the room. Can you see anyone or anything that is going to harm you? No? That's because there isn't anything or anyone that is a threat. Dp makes you feel scared and like you are going crazy but the truth is that it is a lie. You have nothing to be afraid of. You are actually probably more sane than most people. Remember, crazy people don't know they are crazy. If you told them they were, they would deny it. The fact that you are questioning your own sanity cements that fact that you are, indeed, very sane. Don't believe the lie that you aren't or that you soon will not be. Repeat, I will not die, faint, fall or lose control.

Second, breathing and relaxation techniques do wonders. By doing these you actually kick in your parasympathetic nervous system and change the chemical composition in your brain. What it basically boils down to is that it makes you calmer. I like to do this deep guided relaxation when I feel like I'm going to lose control relaxation video . Just lay on your bed, with your eyes closed and listen to this video. 
Slow controlled breathing is another method. You can do this sitting in a chair or laying down. Close your eyes. Inhale slowly through your nose counting to 4. Hold your breath for 3 counts, and then exhale through your mouth. Do this until you feel calm.
Some grounding techniques that will help draw you back into the present are to put your feet firmly on the floor and look around the room. Identify things to yourself, outloud using all 5 sense (I smell, I hear, I taste, I see, and I can feel). The go around the room and rapidly name what you see in detail (The light switch has a white plate and 3 switches, there is a painting on the wall with brown and red colors in it, the carpet is brown with blue speckles). DO this until you have named everything around you. You will be shocked at how aware you feel of your surroundings, even the first time you do this. 
If you are driving or in a car, do this too. Name the color of signs, count blue cars, name what the people in the cars around you are doing.
Just two more things. My therapist said to get a little spray bottle, like the kind you mist plants with and keep it in the fridge. When you feel really detached, go spray yourself in the face and start doing the grounding techniques. She also highly suggests that at the end of a shower to turn the water onto cold and let it hit you for a few seconds. This is supposed to help ground you and is also good for your immune system.

I hope that this helps you. Seriously, the BEST way to start overcoming dp is distraction from your own mind. DO NOT sit and obsess about how you feel. Seriously, I have worked myself into such frenzies doing this that I had to call an ambulance. You are talking yourself into freaking out and that doesn't need to happen. When you start to be all like "Oh no I feel so unreal", stop yourself and say "No, I will not allow myself to obsess like this" and then do a grounding exercise or go talk to someone or turn on a movie. Bring the focus out of yourself and onto the world around you.

Just remember. You are safe. Nothing is going to harm you. Dp cannot harm you. You are sane. The only thing that has changed is your perception and that is only because your brain is trying to protect you from a threat. You do not have an illness or a disease. Your mind, your physical body, and the world around you are the same as they always have been and always will be.


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## Ashley37 (Apr 5, 2010)

My problem is obsessing over how i feel yes..it works wonders when i go and do my own thing and for get about it...unless there are quiet periods.
Yesterday it seemed to get as severe as the origonal onset. And then I worry that I'm about to have a full blown phycotic episode. I take vitamins everyday. I was on prozac. However, it numbed me to the point where I didnt feel a thing and DIDNT care. That made it worse. I'm free of all drugs and alcohol. But i still smoke :/
I guess ive been fighting so hard that when I just let it go, I get so depressed and just want to sleep all day. I feel like I'm being overthrowed by DP.

I've had it for 8 months...and I dont remember much of those days. Only really signifigant stuff.

Umm...and I finally just dealt with it, and calmed down. But a new phobia triggered a month long obsession with the fact that at any time I might go into a severe phycosis. I became parinoid, and questioned everything wondering if it was real, or if I was living a lie. In my dreamy state its hard to tell anyways.
The obsession has caused anxiety for me for weeks. I try to get some reassurance. 
On the 13th of May I'm going to see my doctor again and just let out everything that I've been feeling so I can feel more in control with the help of someone professional. Me and her can tackle it together.

I'm ready to put out this flame and put it in the past.

However, I fear that I will look back on those 8 months or more and just be devastated by the amount of things I have missed out on, or I will be frightened for it to come back.
My DP has almost gone away comepletely before. But came back before I knew it, it crept up on me.
I've heard a lot about ST. John's Wort. Where can I find it?

I want to feel grounded.
Tinyfairy people, you have some great advice. I need some hardcore bootcamp though.
I try those techniques then I fall into the pit again.
I'm on my 999,999th push up, and I only have one more to go and its excruciating. Thats what my DP feels like.
I know I'll get there, im 18 years of age. I want to live again. Love again!


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## Mlags45 (Apr 30, 2010)

Ashley37 said:


> My problem is obsessing over how i feel yes..it works wonders when i go and do my own thing and for get about it...unless there are quiet periods.
> Yesterday it seemed to get as severe as the origonal onset. And then I worry that I'm about to have a full blown phycotic episode. I take vitamins everyday. I was on prozac. However, it numbed me to the point where I didnt feel a thing and DIDNT care. That made it worse. I'm free of all drugs and alcohol. But i still smoke :/
> I guess ive been fighting so hard that when I just let it go, I get so depressed and just want to sleep all day. I feel like I'm being overthrowed by DP.
> 
> ...


Hey, I'm 18 as well and have been struggling with DP for a year. It has been complete hell. Complete numbness and distorted perceptions of our environment and ourselves. I would suggest not smoking pot anymore if that's what you meant by smoking. I got my DP from smoking pot, so just be aware. Remember that this is just a temporary state your in. All the constant questioning cycles that go through your head every day will eventually stop. I promise you. DP is just your mind hiding away because of some trauma or stress you've endured. The thing that helped me get better (although not 100% yet) is faith that eventually you'll get better, because you will. I completely lost sense of my identity and my emotions even with my family. But it's coming back. Don't worry about all the time you wasted while experiencing DP..They say that once you come back to yourself (which you will again) you won't be able to remember how you felt on DP because when you're in the DP state your brain is very close to the sleep state which is why everything looks strange and surreal. So it's kinda like trying to remember how you felt in a dream a while back but you can't remember how it felt. Just keep positive...I was not the nicest most positive person but being positive definitely helped me get back. Good Luck!! and if you haven't read this already, you should. it helped me a lot http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/18932-feeling-90-better-after-4-years-heres-how/


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## Guest (May 2, 2010)

Ashley37 said:


> I want to feel grounded.
> Tinyfairy people, you have some great advice. I need some hardcore bootcamp though.
> I try those techniques then I fall into the pit again.
> I'm on my 999,999th push up, and I only have one more to go and its excruciating. Thats what my DP feels like.
> I know I'll get there, im 18 years of age. I want to live again. Love again!


If you want to feel grounded, you need to do what I wrote and keep doing it, even when you fall down again. I am seeing a cognative behavioral therapist. I don't think there is any "harder core boot camp" than that. They teach you how to change your thinking by changing your behaviors. They teach these techniques in psych wards as well.


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