# relationship problem



## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

I'd like to hear some advice on my situation. Three months ago I started to see this guy (I'm 23, he's 28 ), he lives on the other side of the country and I've basically lived here too for the whole time. I'm supposed to move here officially also. The problem is, I've realized I don't love him, probably never have, or feel anything but irritation towards him. I don't respect him, I no longer want to touch him or to be touched by him. The problem is he thinks (and I quote) I'm the love of his life, the only meaningful thing he has, he plans our future together..and at the same time I'm just thinking how I could get rid of him. He's been depressed with suicidal thoughts for a while and even though he's better now I'm afraid he'll do something to himself. I realized my true feelings a couple of days ago and since then I've been acting and faking- I'm afraid to tell him the truth. He noticed I've been distant and was absolutely terrified of the possibility that I don't care about him anymore and don't want to move in. So I kept on lying. I'm supposed to visit my home town next week and thought I wouldn't deal this issue before that even though I of course feel terribly anxious. But I don't know how to handle this so that he wouldn't be too much hurt. Especially since his last girlfriend broke up with him for another girl seven months ago ( or more, can't remember) after seven years...


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2006)

From what you said, it sounds like the two of you are using each other as crutches, or symbols of what you want to have. I think I've done that and felt it done to me.
If you don't love him, maybe you could get some professional advice on how to deal with a breakup as honestly and cleanly as possible. He is fragile, but he should get some help to see that his happiness cannot come from another person. He probably has abandonment problems from infancy or something and isn't even aware of it. Somewhere deep inside him there's a strong, decent person who won't fall apart if you split up, but he'll probably need help to see that.
Good luck.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

hey maria, my last boyfriend (*not* the guy i'm currently dating for those of you who read "aaaarrrrgggg!") and i were in a very similar emotional situation as you and your boyfriend. he had depression, add, and ocd...and he was completely in love with me (not to mention completely dependent on me, emotionally). i wasn't dating him for too terribly long...maybe 6 or 7 months. i didn't really like him (though i tried very hard to convince myself that i was in love with him), i wasn't very attracted to him, we had almost nothing in common, i didn't respect him, and at times i was almost ashamed to bring him places. despite all that, i still had an incredibly hard time breaking up with him. i didn't want to hurt him, and it's really hard for me to break up with someone who is in love with me because i don't want to lose that security. it seriously took months for me to end it completely...i'd break up with him, and he'd keep calling, coming around, and buying me stuff and so i'd get back together with him. finally, i had to tell him that i never wanted to talk to him again (which was one of the hardest things i've ever done). even though it was hard to do, i felt better almost immediately. i felt i could finally move forward with my life. i can honestly say that i am a *much* happier person now, and i'll bet that he's happier too...because no matter how hard it is for the person you break up with, they are better off being alone, than being with someone who doesn't love them. i hope you can find a way to break up with him because ultimately, regardless of the consequences to him, you have to live your life for you.


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2006)

agentcooper said:


> you have to live your life for you.


And by that, I understand you to mean living honestly, not selfishly.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

beachgirl said:


> agentcooper said:
> 
> 
> > you have to live your life for you.
> ...


well, i do mean honestly, but i also believe that you need to be selfish (i don't know if selfish is the right word) to a degree. you need to take care of yourself...if you're not taking care of yourself, you won't really be able to help anyone else. i'm not saying you shouldn't be giving...just not to the point where you are harming yourself, be it physically, emotionally, or mentally.


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2006)

agentcooper said:


> beachgirl said:
> 
> 
> > agentcooper said:
> ...


I think it amounts to the same thing. Being honest is knowing yourself (hard!) and letting others know yourself too. If you let the bf know you can't handle something, it puts some of the effort on him to deal with you the way you really are, rather than hiding or ignoring things that are important to you. 
My thoughts, could be wrong:
When honesty is brought into the equation, it allows everyone to make decisions for themselves, for example, if Maria's bf could understand that he and Maria don't have the right chemistry to make a relationship work and why that is, he'd probably let it go and so would she and they'd be on good terms. (what a crazy fantasy!) But it seems he's being dishonest with himself, otherwise he'd notice that it's not working. Maria was probably ignoring her 'little voice' that told her it wasn't working and then recently started listening. To me that equals honesty. 
And that kind of self-honesty has been the hardest thing for me to learn, what little of it I have learned. I'm just ending a marriage that was based on the kind of falseness that Maria describes.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

how long were you guys married, beachgirl, before you could finally be honest? it's weird how hard it is to be honest with yourself, isn't it? i think it's great, maria, that you are at least able to be honest with yourself...


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

maria,
I went through something similar as well.. i would try and break it off and he would threaten suicide. its a terrible position to be in, and i really feel for you. unfortunately im not sure if there is any easy way to handle it. i tried to be nice and comforting about it, but he would take that as a sign of hope that we could work it out. i finally figured out i was hurting him even more by dragging it out... so i had to say we are over, leave me be. he of course threatened suicide again, so that time i called everyone i knew he was close to and told them that he was suicidal. i explained the situation and that i could not help him because we were ending our relationship. i felt so much better doing this, because i assumed that he would be looked after. maybe this could be an option for you if he turns suicidal due to the breakup?


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Maria,

Like the others, I have been through the painful part of not knowing what to do when someone you are leaving throws out the suicide card. It is a very difficult decision on how to handle it. I think Rainbo and Beachgirl offer some good advice.

I hope things are settled and you are able to begin again.

t*


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

That's why it makes me so mad when people talk about suicide. There are no words to describe how f*cked up it is to threaten killing yourself as a way of being dramatic. And who knows who's really gonna do it so when people start rambling about suicide I usually instead of sympathy just get really pissed off.


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2006)

I feel for you Maria,like the other's here who have replied you are a very caring person.
Naturally you are concerned about this guy's feelings and worried about his depression.

I guess there is no easy way out.Still obviously it would foolish of you to try and stay with him.
Perhaps you could seek out a counselor for yourself.
Get some advice and support and then offer the phone number to your boyfriend when you tell him how you are feeling.
It would be wise for him to seek professional support as he is depressed already and will need help to move on.

Wishing you all the best


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

Thank you for support. You're absolutely right in how to handle a break up with suicide threats. Fortunately this didn't turn out to be one after all, he seems to have a broken heart but thinks that life goes on et cetera. I keep thinking that I will never find anyone who would (at least claim to) have deep loving feelings towards me..but you can't be with someone just because there's no one else. It's better to get a puppy.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

good for you, maria, for going through with the breakup, despite your fears. i'm sure it wasn't easy for you...


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

i'm going through the same thing right now, sans suicide threat. thank you all so much for this post, it helped me with the decision.

it's so hard when a guy's crazy about you...and he's attractive and such....


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