# I'm not okay with just coping. I have to make sense of this



## two7s_clash (Mar 22, 2006)

Hi I'm James:

I've suffered from depersonalization for around 9 years -- I was?officially?diagnosed?about a year ago. In the time of my?affliction?I've been to priests, therapists, and shrinks who all had?different and?conflicting opinions?as to what? was wrong with me.? I've tried using the labels of "depression" and "anxiety" and "borderline" and "addict" and "sinner" and their corresponding meds to lablel and sort myself.? I've struggled with drugs in?alcohol in my attempts to feel good or just blot everything out. Over the past 4 years,? I've watched myself descending into the pit that is a severe eating disorder, one that almost killed me.? All this time, I felt like I was watching someone else, and that what this person was doing their to their life didn't effect "me." So I wasn't concerned.? Thankfully or regrettably (I waffle), around one year ago, it all came crashing down and I realized that yes, this was _my_ terrible life. The realization didn't really inspire me to change, rather it stopped me from functioning at all. All I could was lay in bed and smoke?cigarettes and make myself sick. I felt at the time that the positive things I had in my life at that time (a loving (but baffled) family, a decent job, somehow a girlfriend)? weren't mine, weren't things I could feel, but then I lost even the illusions. I had a plan to kill myself... but my mother appeared one day and put me in a truck and drove me home.?

For the first? 4-5 months, things seemed even worse. I hated myself for not having any control over the symptoms that ruled my life, thought, and behaviors. I prayed to find the?dignity to remove myself from a situation which would inevitably only worsen. I was going to only cause wreak and ruin to those who reached out. I was going to burn them... slowly, for whatever reason, I forced myself to try and act and behave like what I suspected a "normal" would. I knew I wasn't leaving in the same reality, but I tried to fake it as much as I could. Sometimes. I was able to even fool myself.? But deep down, I was feeling the same. I guess I slowly came to realize that maybe masking the symptoms was as bout as good as it was going to get. I could maybe live through the "positive" life experiences of others, even I could never be fully one with them.?

Now, there are moments where I barely notice the that I am not the person who is talking or acting in the world. But the truth that I am not this person sitting here typing always comes back. I'm starting to see that I'll probably be able to support myself again soon, and maybe even do will my external standards. I don't use anymore, can eat regularly and healthy, and even carry out a good conversation. I can laugh.? I can make myself do things. But I'm lying.?

I guess Im here because I think whatever sort of liberation or final?acceptance ?from/of who I am will come from expressing and using my depersonalization to some end. But I don't know how to do this.? I've been reading a lot of Buddhist texts lately, and recently read a line plucked some string in me that I hadn't heard in years and years and years: "Cutting our expectations for a cure is a gift we can give ourselves." I am this way. I have to integrate it, and stop?struggling against it. I have to figure out a way tp configure my life so I don't seemy depersonalization as sickness. At least this is the conclusion I've come to.

More that is ... well, I've lurked around sites like these for the past year, put never posted. To be honest, the realization that "other people are like this too! I'm not alone!" was never comforting. If? I was the only one, or if everyone was like this - both equal the same amount of horror and removal towards life. It remains the same that I'm not expecting any sort of special kinship to bloom in the dessert talking to fellow sufferers, but now I see that sharing expereinces can be helpful if others have somehow reached to conclusion that all this isn't?necessarily to be fought against. That there is some sort of "softening" towards the disorder that?allows one to?be with it in a?non-oppositional way.? Plus I guess it's nice to expose one's written word to a crowd where you don't have to apologize for being disjointed.

If I am to be like this, I have to stop feeling cheated. Possible?
?
Thanks -- James


> "For a long time?always, in fact?I have known that life here on earth is not what I needed and that I wasn't able to deal with it; for this reason and for this reason alone, I have acquired a touch of spiritual pride, so that my existence seems to me the degradation and the erosion of a psalm."
> 
> --Emile Cioran


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## Guest (Jan 28, 2007)

> Hi I'm James:


Hello James; Welcome to the forum

(I?m dyslexic, so I?m going to quote what you have wrote so I?m not as confused, but if at any point I don?t make sense, you?ll know why now) 



> I've suffered from depersonalization for around 9 years -- I was officially diagnosed about a year ago. In the time of my affliction I've been to priests, therapists, and shrinks who all had different and conflicting opinions as to what was wrong with me. I've tried using the labels of "depression" and "anxiety" and "borderline" and "addict" and "sinner" and their corresponding meds to lablel and sort myself. I've struggled with drugs in alcohol in my attempts to feel good or just blot everything out. Over the past 4 years, I've watched myself descending into the pit that is a severe eating disorder, one that almost killed me. All this time, I felt like I was watching someone else, and that what this person was doing their to their life didn't effect "me." So I wasn't concerned. Thankfully or regrettably (I waffle), around one year ago, it all came crashing down and I realized that yes, this was _my_ terrible life. The realization didn't really inspire me to change, rather it stopped me from functioning at all. All I could was lay in bed and smoke cigarettes and make myself sick. I felt at the time that the positive things I had in my life at that time (a loving (but baffled) family, a decent job, somehow a girlfriend) weren't mine, weren't things I could feel, but then I lost even the illusions. I had a plan to kill myself... but my mother appeared one day and put me in a truck and drove me home.


Ah 9 years? Was you aware 9 years back of the change? I ask because DR/DP is normal for me, and I can only assume I?ve had it all my life because I can not remember any change in how I viewed the world or myself.

You?ve seen them all haven?t you (Different people whom tried to help you)? You must have felt so alone and different, I was lucky myself, I saw my doctor because I felt dizzy and confused? only to find out I had DR/DP and how I viewed every wasn?t ?correct?? but the doc told me the disorder so I knew much about it when I became aware I had it, the main thing was, I knew I wasn?t alone? I?m sorry if you ?have? felt alone through out all of this, you?re no longer alone now thought =).

My old friend (online friend) had a eating disorder, and I tried to understand her and such? any how, the point is I can empathize with you in some respect and you will not be ill judged by me. 



> For the first 4-5 months, things seemed even worse. I hated myself for not having any control over the symptoms that ruled my life, thought, and behaviors. I prayed to find the dignity to remove myself from a situation which would inevitably only worsen. I was going to only cause wreak and ruin to those who reached out. I was going to burn them... slowly, for whatever reason, I forced myself to try and act and behave like what I suspected a "normal" would. I knew I wasn't leaving in the same reality, but I tried to fake it as much as I could. Sometimes. I was able to even fool myself. But deep down, I was feeling the same. I guess I slowly came to realize that maybe masking the symptoms was as bout as good as it was going to get. I could maybe live through the "positive" life experiences of others, even I could never be fully one with them.


 Ah, forcing yourself to ?act? normal?. Yes this ?for myself? only seems to make me feel more of an actor, which keeps my DR/DP at full pace. Some times it seems that ?going with the flow? helps DR/DP stay at ?normal? (ironic word to use) levels, if you force to understand it? seems to kick your ass for it? heh. 



> Now, there are moments where I barely notice the that I am not the person who is talking or acting in the world. But the truth that I am not this person sitting here typing always comes back. I'm starting to see that I'll probably be able to support myself again soon, and maybe even do will my external standards. I don't use anymore, can eat regularly and healthy, and even carry out a good conversation. I can laugh. I can make myself do things. But I'm lying.


And those moments tend to be while you?re busy? When you are busy you don?t have much time (if at all) to analzy yourself, so that?s why keeping yourself busy can make the day seem better, but the next day could ruin it all if it?s a lazy bones day. 



> I guess Im here because I think whatever sort of liberation or final acceptance from/of who I am will come from expressing and using my depersonalization to some end. But I don't know how to do this. I've been reading a lot of Buddhist texts lately, and recently read a line plucked some string in me that I hadn't heard in years and years and years: "Cutting our expectations for a cure is a gift we can give ourselves." I am this way. I have to integrate it, and stop struggling against it. I have to figure out a way tp configure my life so I don't seemy depersonalization as sickness. At least this is the conclusion I've come to.


Well yes, if you feel as if you?re living a ?fake? life, talk about this fake life and bring some truth to it, if you make people aware of everything you can think about? it may seem less of a lie to you, but time will tell? in the end thought, expressing the true emotions you?ve being repress (maybe wanting to shout and cry out how unreal you feel) will make you feel ever so better =).

Ah Buddhist? they are linked to DR/DP themselves because they can place them selves in a state of mind? which may be the same as DR/DP? but they have the control to come out of it. 



> More that is ... well, I've lurked around sites like these for the past year, put never posted. To be honest, the realization that "other people are like this too! I'm not alone!" was never comforting. If I was the only one, or if everyone was like this - both equal the same amount of horror and removal towards life. It remains the same that I'm not expecting any sort of special kinship to bloom in the dessert talking to fellow sufferers, but now I see that sharing expereinces can be helpful if others have somehow reached to conclusion that all this isn't necessarily to be fought against. That there is some sort of "softening" towards the disorder that allows one to be with it in a non-oppositional way. Plus I guess it's nice to expose one's written word to a crowd where you don't have to apologize for being disjointed.



Well ? well done on joining us =).

To me, DR/DP is some what like a ?Chinese finger trap?, the more you try to pull away from it, the longer and harder DR/DP becomes ? you need to ?come together? with the finger trap in order to be release, maybe the same need carry with DR/DP? But how are you to come ?together? with DR/DP?

Take it nice and steady for now in the forum; go with the flow and enjoy =) 



> If I am to be like this, I have to stop feeling cheated. Possible?


You tend to need to change how you think before you can change a feeling. 



> Thanks -- James


You're welcome =P


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## Guest (Jan 28, 2007)

Hey James, Welcome.

Emulated Puppet}eer makes a good point, the more you try to fight dp the worse it seems to get.



> To me, DR/DP is some what like a ?Chinese finger trap?, the more you try to pull away from it, the longer and harder DR/DP becomes ?


Nice metaphor D.

G.


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## Guest (Jan 28, 2007)

Im still the same person said:


> Nice metaphor D.
> 
> G.


You know G, you know....

I study from the best :wink: 8)


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## Guest_ (Sep 17, 2005)

I would offer up a guide, but from experience, i can say that this battle isnt won in the mind.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> To me, DR/DP is some what like a ?Chinese finger trap?, the more you try to pull away from it, the longer and harder DR/DP becomes


This is true for most things - whatever you focus on expands.

Welcome to the forum James


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2007)

CECIL said:


> Emulated Puppet}eer said:
> 
> 
> > To me, DR/DP is some what like a ?Chinese finger trap?, the more you try to pull away from it, the longer and harder DR/DP becomes
> ...


Well why can't it be true for lady friend's boobs?


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## Lynch_mob (Jan 10, 2007)

I often feel as i type on this forum i am unable to really get across how i really feel and wan't to feel. It's like iam unable to connect to everything around me. I feel like i'm standing out, special, and crippeled at the same time.

I just thought what i just typed connect's to something you said in your post, James.

Welcome.


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