# Trying desperately to see myself in the present tense. "Drunk" vision, lack of cognitive function, memory spacey-ness.... 24 and beyond miserable.



## anniephantom (Jan 17, 2018)

Hey all,

I love teaching and writing. See, I almost put "loved" instead of "love" there. Without seeming too dramatic right off the bat, that's been a practice for me lately. I feel like I already separated my life into who I was before DPDR, and this weird, messy, spacey blob that I've become now. My brain defaults to "I loved teaching and writing." My interests don't even seem like mine anymore. So, I'm practicing the present tense. I still love teaching and writing... I just can't do it right now.

And it's frustrating. Beyond frustrating. Even typing this takes maximum effort. My quality of life is shot. I can't look at screens for too long. I can't look at anything for too long. Anybody else experiencing vision impairment (I call it "drunk" vision, because, like, that's how it feels)? The vision stuff is the worst. Super light sensitive, impossible to focus... I used to be a very creative, happy person. I can't recognize that in me anymore. I can't write. My thesis is due at the end of May, and I just.... can't focus on it. It seriously hurts to focus on anything; my eyes are constantly strained.

Oh, and teaching... I loved teaching. Love. I love teaching. I've been teaching for three years now. So much of my ego is tied up in education. But today, I stood in front of my new crop of students, and I couldn't see any of them. It felt like a dream. Like it happened but it didn't. It was just syllabus day, but I can't imagine carrying on the rest of the semester. Teaching is one thing that I'm really, really good at. Or, I was. I am. I used to have so much confidence in my pedagogy. Today, I have no idea what I said. I thought I was going to pass out mid-lecture. I am so nervous for the rest of the semester.

So, I don't know. What triggered my DPDR? No clue. I was on vacation, y'all. I was relaxed. Then... BAM. Couldn't see. Couldn't connect with reality. This is not a way to live. I spend every second of every day trying to snap out of it.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. It took a lot of tests and a lot of convincing for me to admit that I had a mental disorder. This mental disorder. I was convinced that something was physically wrong with me (still not entirely sure that something isn't, but, hey, that's paranoia for ya).

I got my hormones tested yesterday (still waiting on results). I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow. I have an ophthalmologist appointment on Friday. I need to get this taken care of.

I need my life back.

I'm open to suggestions: if you took something prescribed by a psychiatrist that really helped you, what was it? If you took something that helped your vision or cognitive function, what was it? Please, share your recovery stories with me. I feel absolutely hopeless.

Anyways, my name is Annie, and I'm sick of this shit.


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## ImBeatingThis (Jan 31, 2018)

Made an account to reply, I feel exactly the same way, and im the same age as you. I'm a student and this is affecting my grades now. Check back here with the info you get. My experience with most doctors is that they will try to throw benzo's at you, my advice is don't take them. Most people say that they may make the symptoms better for a while but before long you get hooked.

I've gone the vitamin route, im beginning to see slight improvement of my symptoms. Hopefully we both recover.


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## keetdogg1994 (Feb 6, 2018)

I have those same symptoms with my DP. I having the same issues with trying to assure myself that its still me inside my body. I too have the drunk vision. Its snowy to the point where it looks like im looking through a tv screen from the 90s. i have this constant anxiety thats always in the back of my mind. Keep thinking i wont ever be able to snap out of it but keep telling myself its temporary. My dp was triggered by smoking weed one night (ive only smoked a handful of times my whole life until then). Before that i was a very laid back guy. never had any run ins with any type of crazy anxiety or alternate perceptions before this. I had a great childhood and have healthy relationships and im very proactive about my mental health so i spend a lot of time asking why would this happen. Also ive taken mushrooms in the past before dp and have even had bad trips with it and still had no problems after coming down. Im currently taking an organic anxiety medicine and it seems to help a bit. Just trying to take things day by day. Best of luck to you and recovery. I also had trouble writing this because it feels like im always thinking about thoughts you could say. For me that makes it hard for me to understand myself and other people talking to me.


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## keetdogg1994 (Feb 6, 2018)

And also, with your vision distortion, do objects appear bigger than they actually are? thats how it is for me.


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## pinggvin (Dec 16, 2017)

Did the same, wasted bunch of money on tests, read almost every recovery topic on internet and possible causes. Problem is most likely in dopamine, since SSRI's and similar trash from that group doesnt even help or makes it worse ( it works with serotonin, and usually lowers dopamine). Or either you got too much mercury in your body which traveled in your brain also ( it also might be candida since its all related, or some virus or bacteria but i doubt those). 90% of recovery stories are the same. They eat healthy, exercise, think positive (all of which increase dopamine), and detox and they recovered. So if you and everyone else want to get cured, i can give u friendly advice exercise. Not just classic jogging and classic light exercises, but hard one. Strength exercises like pushups, running, martial arts, any kind of intense training. Do it every day for few days u will notice HUGE improvement. Also for heavy metal detox, most natural, cheapest, best working with fast results supplement is ZEOLITE. Buy powdered micronised zeolite (its kind of a rock) and drink it every day. Along with multivitamins, and intense training EVERY day ( you can add L-tyrosine and NAC which are great supplements for brain) you will get urself back. I read also some people get cured from drugs like Wellbutrin or Prozac since it works well with dopamine but i dont recommend those to anyone. i personally wouldnt touch those things with pole but however it might work for you


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## americancow (Feb 3, 2018)

I have visual problems as well. My sight becomes catastrophic almost and "frame to frame". I'm trying to find a way to help with that because I cant stop thinking about dp because my vision is always bad


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