# OCD and Depersonalization - Anyone else have both?



## hadenluther93 (Dec 21, 2015)

I'm so glad to have found this forum. At age 9 I was diagnosed with OCD and put on medication briefly. It seemed to go away on its own for a few years but came back full force when I started to experience symptoms of depersonalization at age 13. I don't exactly know what triggered it; I didn't experience anything particularly traumatic. I've always been a nervous/anxious person so I attribute it to that. I started to obsess about how I felt and my surroundings and developed little rituals in my head that I thought would help "fix" me and help me return to my normal emotional state. It became all consuming, and still is to an extent, and I would isolate myself from family and friends dozens of times a day, for hours sometimes, running to the bathroom to do a little ritual or lying in bed for hours ritualizing non-stop. It wasnt until abiut three years after my depersonalization started that I found out what it was online. I've managed to reduce my time spent on rituals greatly, but every now and then it's like I'm smacked in the face and feel like I've lost all control. I've changed my rituals from the original "oh my God, what is wrong with me I need to fix myself" thinking to a more positive "nothing is wrong, I am me" type of thinking where I forcefully recall past events in my life in an attempt to ground myself. Along with these I also have typical normal OCD ritual urges; for example, I'll have a thought of someone in my life and quickly dismiss it out of the fear that my thinking about them will make something bad happen to them or I'll recheck the stove several times. These i can bear - they're not about my sanity itself. The depersonalization has gotten less intense but the fear of it getting worse again looms every second of every day. That fear drives me to do constant reassurance rituals. I have become obsessed with thinking about myself and my being and legitimizing myself, basically. I don't know how else to describe it. It feels so ridiculous that at times I wonder if I'm just completely crazy - why else would I be going through this messed up thinking? I was wondering if anyone else here with OCD had a good way to do grounding/self-acceptance practices without becoming obsessed with them? I feel like everything I try eventually becomes a ritual that I feel compelled to do, and in doing something that should make me feel in control and powerful I make myself feel powerless to my brain's invisible and nonsensical demands. I feel crazy almost all of the time for having the depersonalization in the first place, and on top of it I torture myself regularly doing compulsive rituals and upsetting myself even more that I feel compelled to do things that I know are unnecessary and outlandish. I reassure myself that I'm ok and myself, in a much longer and tiring ritual line of thinking every day, and if I fail to do it exactly right I make myself repeat it several times until I feel okay. This practice in itself gets me upset and often times I'll reassure myself that I have OCD and I'm in control, another part of my ritual, and try to move on with my day without and further thinking. My obsessive thinking about myself has me feeling completely insane because I feel like I should feel and know who I am without having to establish it. I also get very upset by the fact that I have OCD in the first place and feel like every line of thinking I have is in some way OCD related. Like no thought is purely my own or under my control. It's like I create a new layer; I'll tell myself I'm okay over and over, then I'll reason that I don't need to and that my thinking is from my OCD and that I shouldn't need to do anything to be myself. I feel like I obsess over my existence in general and my OCD itself. I'll constantly reassure myself that I am myself and that I have OCD and am in control, but afterwards I'll get upset because I do these things ritually because I feel compelled because of my OCD. It feels like a never-ending cycle. I can't calm myself or feel like I'm fully me because everything I do feels like it's not controlled by me and is done to satisfy an OCD compulsion. If there is anyone with OCD out there that can relate I would greatly appreciate it. I feel so lost and unable to correctly express exactly how I feel. It sounds like a simple fix, to just stop thinking about the compulsions I have and go on with my day as normal, but it's not that simple. When I'm not constantly reassuring myself that I'm okay or obsessing over the fact that I have OCD in the first place I feel like there is nothing else to be done - like I need to do these things to feel like me and be me and once I do them correctly I'll feel whole and full again and won't feel the need to ritualize again. And then the urge to reassure myself rises again and I feel like if I don't participate I will never find myself or be able to think properly or heal. It's a never-ending cycle that I know is ridiculous, and it's had me so frustrated at points that it's led to self-harm. It has been 9 years and although I recognize what is going on with myself, I still feel like I have no control and like I shouldn't be going through this issue in the first place. That's what mostly upsets me, that I have this issue to begin with, that brings me down over and over. Like I'm not whole and normal and never can be again. That's the fear that causes me to constantly question my sanity and reassure myself in varying ways. I just want to get through my day without feeling the urge to reassure or validate myself or my existence, to wake up and go about my life like I used to. I have never spoken to anyone about my issues because they sound ridiculous and I don't want to sound insane to my family and friends (that and my original compulsive hand washing issue that I went though around age 10 that resulted in bleeding and cracked skin was just a joke to my family). It took me years to even figure out what was going on with me because I truly felt like I lost it. If anyone reads this, which I don't expect because it's a book lol, I mainly want to know how people dismiss persistent OCD thoughts about any issue, not necessarily depersonalization, without creating a type of reassurance/dismissal ritual about the original OCD thought. It just feels good to put what I'm feeling in writing somewhere after 9 long years of feeling isolated and crazy somewhere that people could possibly read it one day.


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## Guest (Dec 21, 2015)

A lot of us on here suffer from both OCD/DP. I personally think the obsessive thoughts are what fuel DP


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## apoplexy (Jan 4, 2013)

Jeff is correct.

Looking back I even understand what caused my weed induced panic attack. I got really high and was getting violent intrusive thoughts about hurting my friends. Obviously I wasn't going to act but because I was high I became afraid of "losing my mind," etc.

Don't try to treat your DP, treat your OCD/anxiety with CBT/ERP.

Also, I'm sorry you have OCD. It's a terrible, terrible, terrible illness.


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## hadenluther93 (Dec 21, 2015)

Thank you for your response. I think it's the OCD that is the worst part, that I can't stop thinking about the depersonalization and the OCD itself. It feels like it's never-ending bc everything I do to reassure myself I feel isn't enough or isn't right because I did it "because I have OCD in the first place". It's hard to put into words and has me frustrated and angry. I feel like I can't just go about my day without acknowledging my issues and telling myself I'm ok, but then I get upset because I feel like I shouldn't need to do that to begin with. But if I don't I feel like I'll go crazy. I feel like I can't do anything else without it nagging me, like I can't properly think or be myself without first telling myself something like, "Okay, these thoughts are mine." I know what is normal and I remember how I used to feel, but I can't seem to get to that point. I have a complete grip on realty and know what is real and it's not like I'm hallucinating or anything like that. It feels like I'm slowly going crazy but I'm not, like my mental health hasn't declined at all over the past 9 years of being in the same state - it just feels like it's stagnant. If I had to say what my biggest fears are, they are going crazy and never feeling the same again about myself or my thoughts. I'm afraid I'll never have another moment like I did before these issues where I could simply think about stuff without questioning or clarifying if it's me thinking my thoughts or if my thoughts are ok (not OCD related.) Even if nobody reads it it feels good to write this out. To look at my issues in front of me.


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## Guest (Jan 2, 2016)

i didn't read all of your article, sorry  But all of us here, if you DP, you honestly have some form OCD. The very nature of DP, the inward introspection, etc, makes OCD happen. Maybe not in the hand washing form etc, but def mentally. Just my opinion.


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## simonmagus (Jan 6, 2016)

I've had elements of OCD for as long as I can remember, DP symptoms from around age 9.


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## Augustana (Jan 3, 2016)

I get this intrusive, compulsive thoughts but I've never personally diagnosed and used the term OCD. I don't think its healthy to label everything as this could damage recovery. That is just how I feel personally. Instead I just understand it as anxiety and a part of feeling disconnected and hyper-aware of certain things.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Obsessive morbid thinking is one of the most common DP symptoms....In fact it fuels DP and fear!


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## Hgl23 (Nov 22, 2016)

Wow I've never read something that so relatable to how I feel. I'm so sorry you feel like this. OCD is terrible and only people with it can fully ever understand what it's like. I think the depersonalization comes from the OCD and I'm saying that because I've experienced depersonalization and it definitely started after dealing with my OCD for so many years . It's like you don't know how to be without OCD and OCD feels like it's so connected to you that I think we become detattched to the outside world. If you deal with intrusive thoughts you spend so much time inside your mind That you start feeling very confused and dissociated. I hate OCD and I wish I could get back to how I felt without it because I felt like I knew exactly who I was and I was more of a normal person not just a million crazy thoughts.


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## user1111 (6 mo ago)

hadenluther93 said:


> I'm so glad to have found this forum. At age 9 I was diagnosed with OCD and put on medication briefly. It seemed to go away on its own for a few years but came back full force when I started to experience symptoms of depersonalization at age 13. I don't exactly know what triggered it; I didn't experience anything particularly traumatic. I've always been a nervous/anxious person so I attribute it to that. I started to obsess about how I felt and my surroundings and developed little rituals in my head that I thought would help "fix" me and help me return to my normal emotional state. It became all consuming, and still is to an extent, and I would isolate myself from family and friends dozens of times a day, for hours sometimes, running to the bathroom to do a little ritual or lying in bed for hours ritualizing non-stop. It wasnt until abiut three years after my depersonalization started that I found out what it was online. I've managed to reduce my time spent on rituals greatly, but every now and then it's like I'm smacked in the face and feel like I've lost all control. I've changed my rituals from the original "oh my God, what is wrong with me I need to fix myself" thinking to a more positive "nothing is wrong, I am me" type of thinking where I forcefully recall past events in my life in an attempt to ground myself. Along with these I also have typical normal OCD ritual urges; for example, I'll have a thought of someone in my life and quickly dismiss it out of the fear that my thinking about them will make something bad happen to them or I'll recheck the stove several times. These i can bear - they're not about my sanity itself. The depersonalization has gotten less intense but the fear of it getting worse again looms every second of every day. That fear drives me to do constant reassurance rituals. I have become obsessed with thinking about myself and my being and legitimizing myself, basically. I don't know how else to describe it. It feels so ridiculous that at times I wonder if I'm just completely crazy - why else would I be going through this messed up thinking? I was wondering if anyone else here with OCD had a good way to do grounding/self-acceptance practices without becoming obsessed with them? I feel like everything I try eventually becomes a ritual that I feel compelled to do, and in doing something that should make me feel in control and powerful I make myself feel powerless to my brain's invisible and nonsensical demands. I feel crazy almost all of the time for having the depersonalization in the first place, and on top of it I torture myself regularly doing compulsive rituals and upsetting myself even more that I feel compelled to do things that I know are unnecessary and outlandish. I reassure myself that I'm ok and myself, in a much longer and tiring ritual line of thinking every day, and if I fail to do it exactly right I make myself repeat it several times until I feel okay. This practice in itself gets me upset and often times I'll reassure myself that I have OCD and I'm in control, another part of my ritual, and try to move on with my day without and further thinking. My obsessive thinking about myself has me feeling completely insane because I feel like I should feel and know who I am without having to establish it. I also get very upset by the fact that I have OCD in the first place and feel like every line of thinking I have is in some way OCD related. Like no thought is purely my own or under my control. It's like I create a new layer; I'll tell myself I'm okay over and over, then I'll reason that I don't need to and that my thinking is from my OCD and that I shouldn't need to do anything to be myself. I feel like I obsess over my existence in general and my OCD itself. I'll constantly reassure myself that I am myself and that I have OCD and am in control, but afterwards I'll get upset because I do these things ritually because I feel compelled because of my OCD. It feels like a never-ending cycle. I can't calm myself or feel like I'm fully me because everything I do feels like it's not controlled by me and is done to satisfy an OCD compulsion. If there is anyone with OCD out there that can relate I would greatly appreciate it. I feel so lost and unable to correctly express exactly how I feel. It sounds like a simple fix, to just stop thinking about the compulsions I have and go on with my day as normal, but it's not that simple. When I'm not constantly reassuring myself that I'm okay or obsessing over the fact that I have OCD in the first place I feel like there is nothing else to be done - like I need to do these things to feel like me and be me and once I do them correctly I'll feel whole and full again and won't feel the need to ritualize again. And then the urge to reassure myself rises again and I feel like if I don't participate I will never find myself or be able to think properly or heal. It's a never-ending cycle that I know is ridiculous, and it's had me so frustrated at points that it's led to self-harm. It has been 9 years and although I recognize what is going on with myself, I still feel like I have no control and like I shouldn't be going through this issue in the first place. That's what mostly upsets me, that I have this issue to begin with, that brings me down over and over. Like I'm not whole and normal and never can be again. That's the fear that causes me to constantly question my sanity and reassure myself in varying ways. I just want to get through my day without feeling the urge to reassure or validate myself or my existence, to wake up and go about my life like I used to. I have never spoken to anyone about my issues because they sound ridiculous and I don't want to sound insane to my family and friends (that and my original compulsive hand washing issue that I went though around age 10 that resulted in bleeding and cracked skin was just a joke to my family). It took me years to even figure out what was going on with me because I truly felt like I lost it. If anyone reads this, which I don't expect because it's a book lol, I mainly want to know how people dismiss persistent OCD thoughts about any issue, not necessarily depersonalization, without creating a type of reassurance/dismissal ritual about the original OCD thought. It just feels good to put what I'm feeling in writing somewhere after 9 long years of feeling isolated and crazy somewhere that people could possibly read it one day.


Yes. I do. But the ocd gets better once the dpdr gets better


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