# How I've recovered and how it feels



## cem (Jul 11, 2013)

Hello everyone, although this is my first post, I've been a casual visitor of this forum for quite some time now for support and reassurance that I wasn't the only crazy one, heh. Well, here's my story.

I'm 23 years old and was suffering from DP/DR for 4 months. Although I had a couple episodes of it in the past which never lasted more than a week or two weeks, it hadn't reached close to the level of what I had just gone through. I had felt I'd asked every single philosophical question possible in order to make life meaningless and my body an illusion. I didn't just physically feel and see the world as unreal, I had pretty much convinced myself of it, or at least I thought. I couldn't stop trying to figure out what the sense of self was or who I was. After every panic attack and days lost in unending thought, suicide had felt like the only possible option.

My whole life I've always been someone who over examined things and was extremely in tune with my body. I've always noticed when the smallest thing was off or if the slightest change had occurred and was always very good and interested at self diagnosing and making necessary changes by myself. So when I started experiencing DP/DR, things were no different - I couldn't stop noticing every single thing about how my world had just changed. The fact that I couldn't feel time, etc, all created extreme panic attacks to the point of 100% emotional numbing. Everything I had loved felt taken away from me and as much as I tried to compulsively think my way out of things, I only seemed to dig myself into a deeper hole of unreality.

I was working 45+ hours as a delivery boy and it was honestly terrible for me. I was spending over 10 hours a day in my car lost in my thoughts that were racing at uncontrollable speeds. And as a driver, when time is everything, I couldn't help but notice I didn't have any sense of it. Where as before I could feel myself taking a long time to get to a certain house, I could no longer feel how long every drive took. The days were just floating by.

Anyway, here's how I got out of it:

Since recovering, I'm a firm believer that DP and DR aren't just symptoms of anxiety, but neurological disconnects - things that can be reconnected. Although anxiety is the most obvious trigger, you're still dp'd even when you believe you're feeling normal. There's only one way that I was able to feel 100% recovered and that was by literally reconnecting my mind and my body.

Although I would wake up and fall asleep heavily DP'd, I noticed that I would sometimes come back to reality for very brief periods of time, maybe once a week for a couple minutes. My vision would literally change and everything would become 3d again and sounds, tastes, smell, touch would all be enhanced tenfold. These were ALWAYS jolted from a very strong emotional past memory that I would randomly have or they would happen when something was going on with my body (an ear infection triggered it, and riding in someone else's car when they slammed the breaks brought it back also.) Although I would be back for a little bit, as soon as I thought about my DP/DR thoughts and realized I was 'back', I would instantly fall back into the whirlwind of DP. It was very depressing to have glimpses of reality and then be shoved back into the fog. It felt like I was being teased by reality and I was only feeling more discouraged.

But it got me thinking, why did these things bring me back? I believe it was the brain unconsciously firing off those old neurons that we've been cut off from from our bodies' natural way of trying to save us. When we're DP'd, we are literally detached from reality. Things don't look the same, feel the same, etc, we don't feel like we're in our bodies, thoughts are actually being thought at what feels like at a higher level. It's almost like our bodies are constantly trying to ask ourselves questions about the universe because well.. it can't relate to them while in the state of DP/DR. They don't make sense while lost in the fog.

Well, one night I was with my girlfriend and she made me remember a fond memory I had of a stray cat that has lived at my house for a few years and I realized I had another jolt back to reality. This time, I wasn't going to let it slip away. I had went on a 45 minute walk with my girlfriend and just marveled at how beautiful everything was, all while trying not to slip back into the fog. Going from everything looking like a flat painting to seeing in 3d again was... absolutely the most incredible thing I've ever witnessed. I remember looking up at the sky and feeling this overwhelming feeling of awe. It was so beautiful that I began crying uncontrollably and my girlfriend asked me what was happening. I told her that I'd never seen something so beautiful.. although she probably thought I was crazy, I'll never forget what that moment felt like.

Right before I had got to my house, I made a conscious effort to see how my body felt. THIS IS WHAT BROUGHT ME BACK. I actually FELT my whole body from head to toe as I walked and felt the shape of my body and I could literally feel my sense of self reconnect with who I was. I could feel my legs, my arms, my entire body - I felt human again. When I got in my house and saw my family, I realized something.. everything just felt... normal. The entire past 4 months felt like a complete dream. I'll never forget the silence and peace that I had forgotten about reality. Everything is just.. alright. I was thrown back into the present moment, not detached, not lost, and everything that I had worried about made complete sense again. I just had to reconnect my body to my mind.

How recovery feels:

- Completely normal, you sort of just fall back into reality instantly. You're still the same person (you always are)

- You're able to connect with the present moment and feel time again

- Emotions come back

- Senses are back, things like sex and showers feel infinitely better (TMI?). I still cherish things like drinking ice cold water

- You feel the flow of life again.. I can remember playing guitar and singing and just feeling the flow of sound again.. it's incredible

- One of the first things I noticed was... how much I don't really think. And when I do think, the thoughts feel so SLOW compared to DP/DR. I had forgotten what it felt like to do something without thinking.

Some tips for coping with DP:

- Write down things about yourself, things you love, goals you have, who your best friends are, what your interests are etc. This helped me a lot to remind myself of who I am and what my life is. Maybe this is a way of reminding your brain of who you are so it can reconnect?

- Also write about how you feel everyday. As soon as I began writing a little diary everyday in my phone I realized I was feeling much better.

- Realize one thing. You're still the same person you always were. You still live in the same world you always have. You're just lost in your thoughts right now. And realize that thoughts aren't you. As hard as it sounds, you can't let them consume you.

- Just open your eyes and make a conscious effort to pay attention to the world without letting those intrusive thoughts tamper with it

I know a lot of you might feel like everything is hopeless and things won't get better, but things definitely do, and when they do, you'll look back and actually have a hard time understanding what had just happened. But you'll be a better person. Everyday I'm grateful for being able to have my life back and I'm so amazed by how beautiful the world is. I find myself appreciating even the smallest things that most people take for granted.

I know this post was extremely long but I hope it's able to help someone out there. I know how much suffering this is, but you can break through the fog. Don't give up!


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2013)

.


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## dpdr (May 17, 2013)

Did you take meds?


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## cem (Jul 11, 2013)

Delicate, I had the same panic attack about my body moving lol. I remember everything freaked me out and I called my friend whos majoring in neuroscience to explain unconscious movement haha.

As for meds, I thought I was just depressed so I was put on zoloft. After a week I stopped cause I couldnt sleep for more than 2 hours. Then they tried lexapro which is almost the same thing. I stopped that after a week too, just because I didnt want to be taking things that would change my brain chemistry unnecessarily.

I did take xanax daily about twice a day for panic attacks (it helped) but I realized I was becoming dependant so I stopped and recovered about 2 weeks later.


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

Such great fortune has been bestowed upon you. I wish I were you. I envy you. I could only imagine how my brain differs from yours. I feel sorry for mine.


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## dpdr (May 17, 2013)

When you drink alcohol now. Is there any symptom of anxiety or DP/DR the day after?


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2013)

maorseven said:


> Such great fortune has been bestowed upon you. I wish I were you. I envy you. I could only imagine how my brain differs from yours. I feel sorry for mine.


Maorseven, you don't have to just put up with how things are. My brain has quite obviously changed during this process. I once felt like you and I felt like there would always be that gap between me and recovery and I thought I would never reach it. I saw the recovered on this forum and I just could not believe that I could get out of DP at all.

But you have to push. Every single day you have to push yourself and use the advice that others offer in recovery posts like this one and you -cannot give up-. Every night your brain learns from the day you've just had and I made each day the way I wanted it to be - not the way DP or anxiety wanted it to be - I wanted PROGRESS. And each morning I woke up and I felt like a little bit of that progress from yesterday had paid off, in the form of something permanent and worthwhile. I felt that tiny change in my brain. It made the next day easier and I was less DP'd. You've got to want change and you've got to want it for good. You've got to get over that false self-limiting belief that you are somehow helpless.

Here's a phrase that will spark in your head a brief image of the opposite mindset: "If you accept death, fear disappears."

Imagine being that person who accepts death. Suddenly life would be a joke, an experience, and there is literally nothing to limit you from doing or achieving anything with that mindset because people fear in everything and yet you would realise that there is nothing to fear at all because you have accepted the thing that every risk could lead to.

The above example is the opposite of helplessness and all it takes is acceptance and then, living your life.


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## vivalavail (Mar 3, 2013)

Delicate, can u PM me so I can ask u questions....my phone wont let me PM anyone and im really struggling. Thank u


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## Guest (Jul 13, 2013)

vivalavail said:


> Delicate, can u PM me so I can ask u questions....my phone wont let me PM anyone and im really struggling. Thank u


Ok np


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## WithYourSigh (Nov 25, 2012)

Delicate said:


> Maorseven, you don't have to just put up with how things are. My brain has quite obviously changed during this process. I once felt like you and I felt like there would always be that gap between me and recovery and I thought I would never reach it. I saw the recovered on this forum and I just could not believe that I could get out of DP at all.
> 
> But you have to push. Every single day you have to push yourself and use the advice that others offer in recovery posts like this one and you -cannot give up-. Every night your brain learns from the day you've just had and I made each day the way I wanted it to be - not the way DP or anxiety wanted it to be - I wanted PROGRESS. And each morning I woke up and I felt like a little bit of that progress from yesterday had paid off, in the form of something permanent and worthwhile. I felt that tiny change in my brain. It made the next day easier and I was less DP'd. You've got to want change and you've got to want it for good. You've got to get over that false self-limiting belief that you are somehow helpless.
> 
> ...


Delicate, I appreciate your kind words but -- as expected -- beg to differ. I elaboratred on my point of view in another post, but it received zero attention. Anyway, I for one believe that DP may be responsive or unresponsive, as in you and me (respectively); but, of course, there's a thin line between the two. The responsive type seems to be the same as the unresponsive one until proven otherwise, but at some point you understand. Nine years and all that.

It's been nine years and I've been in all kinds of situations, but never did I feel any improvement. It is true that when by myself and completely undistracted things became worse, but I never improved. It was a very specific, stagnant state. Now I'm on Lamotrigine and there is great improvement, and distraction is much more efffective, but I return home and it disappears. I wake up the next day and it's gone. Distraction is a momentary thing. Maybe that's the difference between us. I don't understand why there are no recoveries due to Lamotrigine-induced improvement, based on the distraction thing.

I'm not afraid of death. I'm not suicidal or really depressed, but it doesn't really matter to me. Only if I think hard about it, I'll think I'm suffering and wasting my time, but it's not all suffering.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

It sounds like once you get through DP you are so great full of what you had...because I know leading upto DP I was not great full for anything, I hated myself and my life and I took everything for granted.

I guess the purpose of DP is too teach you it's not about the petty and superficial things in life, you reject yourself so then DP is a way of giving you what you wanted a perfect, lifeless, souless existsnce.

it's what's on the inside that really counts and you hold all the beauty on the inside, everything you may need and want is there


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

missjess said:


> I guess the purpose of DP is too teach you it's not about the petty and superficial things in life, you reject yourself so then DP is a way of giving you what you wanted a perfect, lifeless, souless existsnce.
> 
> it's what's on the inside that really counts and you hold all the beauty on the inside, everything you may need and want is there


wow that makes a whole lot of sense. I've always had alot of resentment for those that have been interested in friendships and relationships with me for obvious shallow reasons. So intrinsically I've always been against shallowness so it's just odd I ended up dped.


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