# 5 years with DP: learning to re-enter my body



## sarah514 (Aug 24, 2010)

I have had DP for almost exactly 5 years now. After the initial fear/depressed stage was over, lasting about 4 months, it subsided and has more or less been the same. I live a completely normal life, I go to school, have a social life, relationships. I am generally a happy person, and I hardly think about DP. It doesn't affect my life, but it is apart of who I am. I appreciate the experience and perspective it has given me on life. I am completely different than I was before this. Atleast I think so, I can't remember that person.

Like I said, my symptoms subsided. They are so minimal that it is barely there&#8230;or maybe I've just gotten used to the feeling. They are background noise, and lately I've felt so motivated to make a positive change in my life. I don't remember who I was before DP, but I remember I was always effortlessly happy. I want to be that person again.

I honestly believe that it will only go away if I practice reconnecting to my body. DP, at least for me is a dissociation. There's a faint separation between my mind and body and as a result the outside world is dream-like. It's a product of anxiety and retreating. I am not connected to my environment and life is passing me by. I have done grounding techniques mixed with mindful meditation, and I have felt moments of being more present. I truly believe I will just return to my body&#8230;all it is a mindset.

But lately, I have been experiencing accompanying anxiety along with it. I start to worry that losing my DP will be like getting it all over again. It has become my reality, what if I won't be able to function without it&#8230;I've adjusted so well. A part of me also worries that it might come back and I'd have to adjust all over. My anxiety is clearly getting in the way, which drives my DP in the first place. I guess I just need to accept these fears and anxieties as noise. I feel like I'm so close to being me again, it's weird.


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## PeteThePirate33 (Jul 18, 2014)

I think I can relate a lot to your post. I feel as though I am in the same stage of this as you are. I haven't had it for nearly as long, however, and I commend you for being strong enough to get through 5 years of this. Although I feel pretty good, so much better than the first 2 months or so that I had it, I don't feel the same way that I did before. I'm not sure that I truly ever will, either. A month ago, the prospect of not ever going back to the person I was pre-DP kind of frightened me a bit. Now I've just kind of accepted the fact that certain experiences change us forever, which also has an effect on our perspective on life. I think that is what this disorder does more than anything. It's not a chemical imbalance or a frozen fight or flight response, it's an altered perception.

It takes a lot of effort to deal with something as life changing as depersonalization, but the mere fact that you have made it this far and have maintained a healthy life proves that nothing can hold you back. I think that is what a lot of people afflicted with this fail to do.They allow it to cripple them down to their core, to rule their existence. So they decide to shut themselves in, away from the world. They grow distant from friends and family. The disorder begins to define them, in a sense.

As far as the residual anxiety that you are experiencing, I wouldn't put too much meaning into it. I think just about everyone has it to some degree, they just don't recognize it until something triggers it. It is essentially as you described it, background noise. Returning to your "regular self" should not be something that is anxiety inducing, so just let it happen. You seem to be doing pretty damn good, so keep up the good work!


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## Guest (Nov 4, 2014)

sarah514 said:


> I have had DP for almost exactly 5 years now. After the initial fear/depressed stage was over, lasting about 4 months, it subsided and has more or less been the same. I live a completely normal life, I go to school, have a social life, relationships. I am generally a happy person, and I hardly think about DP. It doesn't affect my life, but it is apart of who I am. I appreciate the experience and perspective it has given me on life. I am completely different than I was before this. Atleast I think so, I can't remember that person.
> 
> Like I said, my symptoms subsided. They are so minimal that it is barely there&#8230;or maybe I've just gotten used to the feeling. They are background noise, and lately I've felt so motivated to make a positive change in my life. I don't remember who I was before DP, but I remember I was always effortlessly happy. I want to be that person again.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're doing really well. Congratulations on your progress.

I really identify with what you're talking about with 'getting back into your body'. A few years ago a therapist started that journey for me b/c I was so detached from 'it' (my body). I wasn't in my body much at all. Most of my time was spent in my head, which seems to be a pretty typical symptom of DPD. Nowadays to keep in touch with my body I do a little check in every now and again (particularly if I'm feeling a bit dissociated) and ask myself "how do you feel? What do you feel, and where do you feel it?" It's amazing the insight our bodies give us.. and when we tune it to it it helps a lot with recovery and general health.. Intuition is a wonderful thing. It kind of gets shut out with a dissociative mind. It's always there, we just don't pay much attention to it&#8230;

Anxiety's a bitch huh? What sort of things have you been trying so far?

Zed


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## Infinitevoid (Mar 25, 2010)

Hi, I've also had DP for over 5 years. Probably more. I'm very used to it and have made significant progress in controlling anxiety and depression. It takes time and effort, certainly. I still have cloudy vision, I still hear outside noises as if they were inside my head (not connecting them), I still space out and get inside my head during drives. But I live, laugh, and have fun too. My brain has to rebuild the pathways that connect me to the outside. It's a slow process I think.


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