# relationship problems



## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

It concerns me to no end that I haven't found a partner that has the capacity to give me the emotional security I would like to have in a relationship. I'm not looking for acceptance any more but some semblance of what love is. I don't think I am this black hole of neediness, I just feel that people are so selfish and out for themselves these days and have no concept of what being in a relationship means. I have found that people who have suffered in life are very empathetic though many others are also bitter. I have no idea where to go to meet someone compatible.


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

Fearless, as helpful as you try to be you still come off as kind of bitter and negative. Maybe your intentions aren't bad but your manner of relating is a bit off-putting. I have alot of self awareness now and I don't think I would get into a codependent relationship despite your assessment of me. I don't need anything from anyone apart from their ability to be a decent kind person when they are around me. Nobody is perfect and everybody has flaws. I mentioned the term black hole of neediness because people with dp are labelled as forever at the mercy of their infinite unmet childhood needs. I do know women (and men) who are black holes of neediness and I pride myself on my self awareness and the fact that I am not because I have a much greater awareness of my needs now and that's why getting dp was a blessing in disguise-I was forced to examine the underlying dynamics of it. I don't consider myself unstable. You seem a bit judgmental of people and it seems to me like you are projecting the harsh manner in which you've been treated onto others. And not just that, you don't have all the answers. DP is an evolutionary mechanism and getting rid of it completely and forever is not a plausible thing. All we can do is try to understand what brings it on.


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## Guest (May 24, 2013)

Before you start a significant relationship you should ask your self what you would bring to that relationship. I was in one for a few months before I realized I had nothing good to offer at the time, so I chose to end it before things could get much worse, and they would have. Not trying to say you don't have anything good to offer, but I just don't want you to make the same mistake I did. I've seen quite a few stories of people suffering from DP who get into a romantic relationship, and recover, only to be worse off when that relationship ended.


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

Fearless said:


> Truth hurts.
> 
> When I write something, and the other starts to talk about how harsh I am, that's always a sign that I just hit something deep. Otherwise you wouldn't get defensive.
> 
> If wrote that you are a gay or lesbian, you wouldn't get defensive, because you know you're not.


Fearless, you can't attack someone with your presumptions and then expect them to not defend themself. But I guess you expected to get away with it and that's why you need to have the last word and tell me that the 'truth hurts'-a very cheap shot. Are you trying to help people or trigger them? Ask yourself that. Seems to me like you get off pointing out others flaws and harping on them. I think before you try to tell everyone on here what to do you should work on yourself more and see why you are trying to be the boss of everyone. Just because you no longer have dp doesn't mean you are a healthy person to be around.


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

Antimony said:


> Before you start a significant relationship you should ask your self what you would bring to that relationship. I was in one for a few months before I realized I had nothing good to offer at the time, so I chose to end it before things could get much worse, and they would have. Not trying to say you don't have anything good to offer, but I just don't want you to make the same mistake I did. I've seen quite a few stories of people suffering from DP who get into a romantic relationship, and recover, only to be worse off when that relationship ended.


If I were in a relationship and the dp came back full force, I would take that as a sign that it's not healthy. I've done my homework and work on 'me' all the time so I am not going to berate myself if a relationship doesn't work out. There are plenty of people WITHOUT dp who are very toxic and dysfunctional.


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## AlexFromPT (Jun 26, 2011)

wise said:


> If I were in a relationship and the dp came back full force, I would take that as a sign that it's not healthy. I've done my homework and work on 'me' all the time so I am not going to berate myself if a relationship doesn't work out. There are plenty of people WITHOUT dp who are very toxic and dysfunctional.


When you "truly" recover, you definitely won't put yourself through a relationship where you need to dissociate in order to cope with it. Think about that.


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

AlexFromPT said:


> When you "truly" recover, you definitely won't put yourself through a relationship where you need to dissociate in order to cope with it. Think about that.


hi alex,

Is english your first language? I'm not about to put myself through a relationship that's not healthy..EVER..That's not what I meant at all. Have you ever been in a relationship? Sometimes, even a cruel evil person can start out sweet as pie. Then, they may start to throw little darts at you here and there and then, poof, you get an episode of dp. I am not going to overlook those little criticisms and blame myself for being overly sensitive. I am going to get out early and never look back. It should be obvious by now that enduring chronic abuse is the recipe for chronic dp.


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## AlexFromPT (Jun 26, 2011)

wise said:


> hi alex,
> 
> Is english your first language? I'm not about to put myself through a relationship that's not healthy..EVER..That's not what I meant at all. Have you ever been in a relationship? Sometimes, even a cruel evil person can start out sweet as pie. Then, they may start to throw little darts at you here and there and then, poof, you get an episode of dp. I am not going to overlook those little criticisms and blame myself for being overly sensitive. I am going to get out early and never look back. It should be obvious by now that enduring chronic abuse is the recipe for chronic dp.


No it's not, if I'm not making myself clear, please point it out in the future.

I have been In 4 different relationships. All codependent.

My opinion is that you shouldn't get involved with someone right now. Focus on recovering first. At least It's what I'm doing. I can't TRULY commit to anyone in this state and I noticed that having a girlfriend with me only makes it more difficult to assess and focus on my needs.


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

Alex,
Recovery is a lifelong process. This is because we've never put ourselves first and our recovery depends on us doing that consistently. I think we are all so paranoid about getting into a codependent relationship that we're missing the boat. A good relationship/environment would cancel out the 'threats' is our lives, changing our outlook and making dp unnecessary.


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## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

Fearless said:


> My first post in this thread wasn't even offensive at all. It was simply an opinion. Yes, I think truth hurts that's why you got defensive.
> 
> But who cares what Fearless says, if I know he's not right? I wouldn't give a sht about it.
> 
> but ok, im leaving


I feel you are still dealing with your own issues and you project alot of those issues when you give people 'advice'. A big part of recovery from this is not being a doormat and allowing people to get away with saying whatever critical thing they feel like saying. Asserting yourself is not being defensive, it's everyone's right. It's also called having a need for self-respect. It's ok to have needs it certainly doesn't make one codependent. That's a false belief alot of people have on here and it will hinder one's recovery. DP is kept alive by anxiety and at the source of anxiety is alot of mistaken beliefs about ourselves.


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