# I can't live like this.



## KateWuzHereMaybe (Oct 15, 2009)

I feel dead. I feel worse than dead. I feel like I'm doomed to wander the earth for years and years feeling like I want nothing more than to lay down and die. Swinging between depressed, anxious, and numb. I feel like even though I haven't told anyone at school or work that they all know and must dislike me as a result. I I don't feel anything except tired, I ache. I can't think, work, or perform in college like I used to before. I feel like before dp I was a completely different person and then this cloud took over and took away everything. I can't bear talking to my old friends when they call because I don't have the interest in talking and feigning interest in anything, also I hate lying about how I'm ok and know me talking about how I "really" feel will only upset them. I haven't made many new friends now that I moved across the country for graduate school because I just can't bear to do it or try, I can't face the rejection and the mind numbing small talk. I feel awkward, different, detached, and hypersensitive around other people. I can't sleep or eat for days. I'm so on edge. Or, else I'm a zombie. I am a shell of a person. Yesterday I drove to a large bridge several hundred feet above water and parked my car for what seemed like minutes, but was actually over 2 hours. I just kept thinking I can't keep on living like this. I can't. And, I feel I will lose my mind and I would rather end this pain than slip into insanity. Everything hurts. I keep trying to force myself to socialize or go to class everyday, but I don't feel any better. In fact, I'm so hypersensitive and paranoid I just get more anxious. I'm not a religious person, but if I had to label what this is, I would say this IS hell. This, the being miserable with no hope of changing it, with no cure, and feeling so alone. It's sad now that my greatest dream is to die, so this pain will end. How did it get this bad? I feel like my brain's so irreversibly fucked up and I just want to sleep. I've been saving my xanax for the last few weeks and I've got 50mg hoarded. But, I'm afraid if I OD I'll wake up on a vent and I know that the number of pills I have isn't enough to be lethal. I don't have the courage to jump off a bridge or get a gun. I just hate myself even more for not being able to even end this misery. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't anymore and just crumple into a ball on the floor and disappear.


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

well, where to begin, i suppose it was the realization of depersonalization that got me digging. you see i have never been one to take "no" for an answer, and all i was seeing was that there was "no" cure. so i determined that in order to find the answers i wanted, that i would have to find something that they hadn't yet. thankfully having DP gives you this almost superhuman power of self analyzing, and a manner of obsession that (if harnessed) can be pointed in any desired direction, thus allowing me to dig deeper and think through the barriers that have stopped so many before.

while obsessively surfing the forums one day, i came across a post by cBURT, about a sublingual B complex that had improved his DP. in turn i thought, "well hell, it can't hurt to try". so the next day i started using one. it was only a matter of days before i was noticing subtle improvements, in fact it was the first time i had noticed any improvements at all really. that same week, i had my second panic attack at work. i decided to drink a propel fitness water because in the past i had noticed drinking one had a mild calming effect. well this time it had a powerful calming effect. i couldn't understand why until i read the ingredients, in highlighted letters it said, "contains choline, necessary for healthy brain and nervous system function".
when i got home i decided to research choline a little deeper. what i found was compelling enough for me to add it as a supplement. while at the supplement store, i noticed most choline was combined with inositol, i had no knowledge of inositol, but the bottle had some good things to say about it and suggested it be combined with choline, so i thought, "well shit, can't hurt to try". when i got home i decided to read up on inositol, i was blown away buy everything it could do. over the next week i noticed steady improvement, yet had this plaguing question of why, why is this working when seemingly nothing else does? it was that question that has lead me to be writing this theory to all of you.

SUBLINGUAL VITAMIN B COMPLEX - have you ever taken a B complex, then gone pee later and spelled "pig" backwards, then said funny colors. well that stuff coming out that looks like it belongs in a glow stick, is in fact most of that B complex you took. you see your stomach doesn't recognize B vitamins in such a concentrated amount, and as a safety precaution, it flushes most of it out. this is what makes "SUBLINGUAL" so ideal, it cuts the stomach out of the process and goes straight for the bloodstream. other than injections, sublingual is the most direct way to get the full benefit out of B vitamins. now to even start recovery, we need to give ourselves a tune up. the most important vitamins for overall brain function are the B vitamins. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LOW ON B VITAMINS TO NEED THEM. the suggested B blood levels are for people who are happy and healthy, WE'RE NOT. if your brain isn't working right, you should probably intake something thats main job is to make your brain work right. all B's play an important role in brain function, anywhere from assisting in the manufacturing of neurotransmitters to regulating energy release in brain cells. now i have been very careful about how word things with this course of treatment, but this is one thing i will say, "if you take a sublingual B complex, you WILL feel the difference".

CHOLINE - is a precursor for the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, which is associated with the central nervous system in the areas of memory and learning. among many other functions it is also supplemented to Alzheimers patients to stem off and in some cases reverse cognitive decline.

INOSITOL - has been widely studied and utilized for therapeutic purposes. it's functions include (but are not limited to) nerve guidance, concentration control, cell membrane maintenance, and serotonin activity stimulation. while inositol is necessary for a healthy, functioning nervous system, it has shown therapeutic use in, anxiety, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorders, agoraphobia, depression, ADD, diabetic neuropathy, bipolar disorder, and bulimia. while you may not fit into everyone of those categories, with depersonalization you probably fit into more than one. which suggest that inositol would have therapeutic use for DP.

5-HTP - is a natural amino acid and precursor to serotonin, it is one step closer to serotonin that l-tryptophan so in an instance of supplementation it is preferable. it is commonly used as a natural remedy for anxiety, OCD and depression, which i find quite fitting for our particular case. i am still investigating the supplementation of 5 HTP with inositol. while i have a hunch they will work very well together, there is nothing conclusive suggesting that it won't be too much.

SEROTONIN - is a neurotransmitter that regulates many functions in the central nervous system such as appetite, muscle contraction, sleep, mood, and cognitive functions such as memory and learning. too little serotonin can result in depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behavior/thought, uncontrolled repetitive thoughts, suicidal thoughts/behavior, agoraphobia, irritability/anger, sleep disorders, addictive behavior, loss of confidence etc. insufficient serotonin can be genetic or result from lifestyle. some things that lower serotonin are stress, excessive caffeine use, excessive alcohol, marijuana and amphetamine use, inadequate sunlight exposure. vitamin deficiencies that lower serotonin include iron, calcium, magnesium, zinc, vitamin C, B3, B6 and folate.

DOPAMINE - is a neurotransmitter that controls the flow of information in the brain, primarily pertaining to movement, pleasure and motivation, and cognitive function. too much dopamine can result in disorientation, confusion, increased sensitivity to visual stimulation/light, anxiety, paranoia, can induce panic attacks, disorganized thinking, cognitive and memory impairment, delusions, hallucinations, mania, delirium, and DEPERSONALIZATION/DEREALIZATION! things that can increase dopamine include excessive alcohol use, excessive caffeine use, amphetamines, cocaine, excessive ejaculation, and sleep deprivation.

MY THEORY - given this background information, and the specific relevance to depersonalization, i have determined that my depersonalization (and likely, many others) was directly caused by an imbalance of serotonin and dopamine reaching a critical point, and unwittingly triggering it by a specific action that tipped the scale too far. for me, i was setting myself up for this fall for a while, drinking a pot of coffee a day, smoking a pack a day, binge drinking every weekend, and being under chronic stress from my job and relationship was tearing my serotonin to shreds and blinding me from it by stimulating my dopamine almost constantly. until one night it seems partying on very little sleep, while under a lot of stress from an upcoming change at work, was exactly what i needed to tip the imbalance too far. thus self inducing depersonalization.so now that i have established that i believe my serotonin being too low, and my dopamine now free to do whatever it wants, is responsible for the cause and persistence of my depersonalization, this is how i have been recovering.

MY TREATMENT - naturally you would correct the imbalance, now serotonin, among all of it's wonderful qualities, has one particularly useful one in our case, THE ABILITY TO NATURALLY AND SAFELY REGULATE DOPAMINE! so with that knowledge it would seem the best course of action would be to raise serotonin to a point where it can stand up on it's own and do it's job. so that it was i am doing. 5 HTP, inositol, B6, and B3 are like a super serotonin combination, these elements combined will raise serotonin naturally and quickly. while choline, and the rest of the B vitamins are going to studiously fine tune memory, learning, overall cognitive function, and sensory perception.

CONCLUSION - among the professional opinions that have favored my theory and treatment, (one of whom being Dr. Mauricio Sierra-Siegert) i stand as a testament to all of this, i self diagnosed, i formulated a theory, came up with a treatment option, used it, and have recovered. yes there are still a few kinks to work out, but no, i am not depersonalized anymore. now this is not intended to be the overall cure for DP, this is a treatment option, and is case specific. if you do not feel as though this pertains to you, don't follow it. if you read this and connect the dots the same way i did, and want to give it a try, be my guest. however i STRONGLY advise speaking with your doctor or pharmacist before making any decisions. this is not something to take lightly, we are talking about voluntarily changing the balance of neurotransmitters. although you may have already done that unwittingly, it is NOT something you should jump into headfirst.

THE INGREDIENTS - to start
choline - 500 mg
inositol - 1,000 mg - 2,000 mg
5 HTP - 50 mg - 100 mg
sublingual B complex - containing at least - B2, B3, B5, B6, B12
folic acid (B9) - 800 mcg
thiamine (B1) - as much as you want

THIS IS MY GIFT TO THE DEPERSONALIZED COMMUNITY. it has truly become a labor of love. i will continue to seek out answers until there is one for every question. below are a few links used as reference. for any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to PM me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine_r ... _inhibitor
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin
http://www.nutritional-healing.com.au/c ... deficiency
http://www.vitamins-supplements.org/hor ... pamine.php
http://www.houseofnutrition.com/cholin.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choline
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B_vitamins
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles ... ns-busy-bs
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sublingual_administration


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

i know how you feel but you have to have at least a few up moments? maybe the move is what is causing you to feel this way. Even though feeling disconnected is painful wherever you are, maybe being somewhere you at least feel comfortable would help a little bit in the short term? I'm sorry that you feel this way..I too have thought many times that if there is a hell, this is most certainly it. However, I do have times where things look up even if only briefly and all we can do is hold on to these moments and look forward to the next ones we will have in the future. This existence is painful but it CAN go away and I don't think you will go crazy seeing as no one on here has yet and many of them have been going through this a long time. I wish the best for you and hope that you find something to look forward to/make you feel better soon! Take care!

Michael.


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## KateWuzHereMaybe (Oct 15, 2009)

Thanks Michael.

I do still have those moments sometimes...but they seem to happen less and less. I feel like such a failure because I'm falling so behind in graduate school because I can't get my work done. My psychiatrist said maybe I should withdraw for the semester, but then I lost all my financial aide and can't restart the program for a full year (there's a sequence of courses each semester that is only offered that semester and needs to be done in that order).

I used to be so great at school and never had a problem with the work, but ever since this took over it's all I can do to get out of bed and even go to class, let alone read 100's of pages per class of textbooks and scholarly journals & then use that info to write papers and take exams and then apply it to my clinical internship.

I so desperately don't want this to be the end of me. I want my life back. My psychiatrist just nods and smiles and asks why I think I keep getting myself caught in these self-defeating cycles where I set myself up to fail by sleeping or doing something else instead of work. And, it's not that I don't want to work, it's that my mind won't be clear enough to let that happen. She doesn't get it though and then when I tell her I just feel worse, like I could change this if I wanted to but I'm just not trying hard enough...I would give anything to change this. I'm just so exhausted though and so tired of fighting to just get by.


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## M A R S (Jun 24, 2005)

KateWuzHereMaybe said:


> I feel dead. I feel worse than dead. I feel like I'm doomed to wander the earth for years and years feeling like I want nothing more than to lay down and die. Swinging between depressed, anxious, and numb. I feel like even though I haven't told anyone at school or work that they all know and must dislike me as a result. I I don't feel anything except tired, I ache. I can't think, work, or perform in college like I used to before. I feel like before dp I was a completely different person and then this cloud took over and took away everything. I can't bear talking to my old friends when they call because I don't have the interest in talking and feigning interest in anything, also I hate lying about how I'm ok and know me talking about how I "really" feel will only upset them. I haven't made many new friends now that I moved across the country for graduate school because I just can't bear to do it or try, I can't face the rejection and the mind numbing small talk. I feel awkward, different, detached, and hypersensitive around other people. I can't sleep or eat for days. I'm so on edge. Or, else I'm a zombie. I am a shell of a person. Yesterday I drove to a large bridge several hundred feet above water and parked my car for what seemed like minutes, but was actually over 2 hours. I just kept thinking I can't keep on living like this. I can't. And, I feel I will lose my mind and I would rather end this pain than slip into insanity. Everything hurts. I keep trying to force myself to socialize or go to class everyday, but I don't feel any better. In fact, I'm so hypersensitive and paranoid I just get more anxious. I'm not a religious person, but if I had to label what this is, I would say this IS hell. This, the being miserable with no hope of changing it, with no cure, and feeling so alone. It's sad now that my greatest dream is to die, so this pain will end. How did it get this bad? I feel like my brain's so irreversibly flower* up and I just want to sleep. I've been saving my xanax for the last few weeks and I've got 50mg hoarded. But, I'm afraid if I OD I'll wake up on a vent and I know that the number of pills I have isn't enough to be lethal. I don't have the courage to jump off a bridge or get a gun. I just hate myself even more for not being able to even end this misery. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until I can't anymore and just crumple into a ball on the floor and disappear.


Im very close to your mind set right now, i have been dealing with losts of health issues and im so metaly gone i cant think, i feel insane and on the verge of totally losing it


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