# Help figuring out what's wrong with me...



## aV09s (Feb 11, 2008)

Hello!

My name's Nick - and yeah, I know this isn't the introduction board, but whatever.

I'm going to write a brief summary of everything that has led up to how I feel right now, so if anyone wants to skip that and go right to my current symptoms, please do...

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Basically, almost two months ago during finals week at my college, I stayed up the entire night finishing final film projects with two of my friends. I slept for less than an hour around 5:00am and after that, needed to go to a class at 8:00am and then take two final exams at 10:00 and 12:00 that same day.

After this, I started feeling TOTALLY strange - like my mind was stuck in some sort of test-taking mode where it could only focus on bits and pieces of my life and the world around me without being able to piece any of it together into a big picture... Kinda like being intensely focused on a question, except in an ordinary environment where there's no need for the narrow focus but nonetheless not being able to release it.

This plunged me into depression/anxiety for a week - then I felt better for a week - then I fell back into it in an instant one day simply browsing the internet, and it was worse and there was more anxiety - THEN I GOT BETTER AGAIN! for about a week and a half from going back to school and getting into the rhythm of classes and hanging out with friends - THEN IT CAME BACK! the same way it did before!...
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*NOW:*

It's been two weeks since it came back. So here I am. I've increased my dosage of antidepressant (Lexapro) to 20mg from 10, and I'm not feeling so depressed anymore.

What I feel instead is like I'm a machine. Like my brain is stuck. I can almost will myself into thinking reality is an elaborate illusion or as if life is a game. But I'm still functioning very well - it just seems automatic, like I can't get a grip on the big picture of who I am or what I want to do with my life. I look at myself in the mirror and I feel unfamiliar with myself.

I'm afraid this *isn't* DP because I interact perfectly well with my friends... In fact, I act more naturally now interacting and communicating with people than I _ever_ have. Before, I used to calculate everything; be shy; be incredibly self-conscious (and I still am), but now I feel like I have a more natural personality. The problem is, *I don't have access to it!* I can sense that everyone else is seeing it, but _I_ can't. My mind is racing compulsively every single second I'm not interacting with another human being. And when I _am_ interacting with someone, it feels too instinctive and automatic; like there's no real emotion.

I _want_ to have DP at this point, based on what I've read. I want it to be something identifiable that I can be sure of, because if it isn't - if it's vague and mysterious, I feel like there's no strategy I can commit myself to that will help me fix it. I feel like a malfunctioning computer; floating; pointless; useless; stuck on a looping sequence.

Stuff I can't stop:

-Yawning
-Repeating words/phrases in my head
-Trying to act out or predict how I'm going to communicate ideas to people
-Seeing/hearing words and having the compulsion to pretend to type them with my fingers

My thought process is a mess and it's totally unproductive. I have nearly completely lost my internal monologue because I've convinced myself that what it was before was a shallow lie that I was telling myself; an imaginary, idealistic person. All I want now is to be *real*, but what _is_ real? Who _is_ the real me? I want to live and feel; to think clearly and constructively. But how the hell do I get there?

*IS THIS DP?!*


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Wow your story sounds very similar to mine. I would have to say it sounds very much like DP. When mine started it would come and go as you described. It was just like I couldn't think straight. Like I had fog in my brain or something. It would come and go and I was very aware something was wrong but I couldn't pinpoint it. When it became chronic I was told I just had depression and put on Lexapro. It got more severe and nothing had helped me at this point. For me the drugs didn't help at all. I just felt completely numb. It also appeared to come out of nowhere. Nothing major had happened prior to the day I started feeling different. Things just became unreal, like I was living in a dream. Every second I would just try to get back to the person I was before this. The "real me".

I think if you are 1. looking into a mirror and not recognizing yourself 2. having compulsive racing thoughts about who you are, being real etc 3. experiencing a difficulty in your thinking patterns, this all sounds very much like DP.

Keep in mind that DP can be caused by many different factors and everyone's story is different. There really is no "cure" for depersonalization" like there is for depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, etc. Many people have got DP from smoking weed, a panic attack, stress. Others have it from weird things like lyme disease, candida, or just started feeling it out of the blue. Mine started out of the blue but I'm starting to think it might be from lyme disease.

To me it sounds like your's is possibly due to stress. What you want to avoid if possible is letting your thoughts get stuck in the "ruminating" pattern as this causes more anxiety which will keep you DP'ed. You might want to read this book from *dpmanual.com*. It explains well what DP is and how to get rid of it if you are experiencing it from stress/panic. Don't let yourself get stuck here. Sometimes it feels good to just sit in it and be "comfortably numb" but if you can reverse the pattern early in the game and get rid of it do it, trust me. People have had this for years and it will totally mess up your life unless you kick it's butt. Best of luck.


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## johnnyz (Feb 6, 2008)

Just from my personal experience, it sounds like many of my OCD symptoms I had early on years ago. Sleep deprivation made it a lot worse.

Clomipramine (Anafranil) helped tremendously, both with my sleep and obsessive/intrusive thought patterns. I didn't have much in the way of side effects, but some people do I've heard (the ones typical with tricyclics).


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