# Hey, 17yrs old, DP since 15yrs



## esshall (May 30, 2009)

Hey, I decided to join the forum just to be able to talk to other people who feel like I do. I have not felt this way my whole life, i woke up on November 21, 2007 feeling like this and have felt like it since then.

Before then, i was being treated for depression with Effexor: i felt really down with no motivation to do anything, i quit baseball and stopped surfing etc...i also was talking to a therapist about everything. The medicine helped alot though, i started surfing again and felt really good for the first time in a while. 
I made a stupid decision to smoke weed with a few of my buddies one night, it made me feel really weird and delayed and surreal and outside of myself and fake and dreaming, all the usual stuff i've heard. The next morning i woke up feeling normal, no troubles. 
Turned out my parents somehow found out and I got in trouble you know, naturally. Since i didn't really even like the feeling of being high i didn't even think about doing it again.
A few months later, i was on a vacation to San Francisco with my family. I was currently taking Effexor (for depression), and Minocyclin (for acne). The last day, we left the hotel at 4am. When my dad woke me up, my mom called me over to talk to her. It hit me then, i felt like i was still asleep, her voice seemed distant and unreal, and i felt like i was in a movie, or was dreaming (felt just how i felt when i smoked weed). The moment this happened, immense loads of anxiety swept through my body. I felt like i was going to throw up, probably because of how freaked out i was...

Since that incident i have been struggling with it. I miss school frequently, and skip out on weekend fun. I stopped taking Effexor because i was worried it could be causing the DP. I also stopped acne medication for the same reason. I've been taking Xanax for the anxiety, but not religiously because i don't want to depend on it and i'd prefer to cope if i can. I absolutely hate the feeling of feeling unreal and detached and in autopilot. I was VERY social before Nov, 2007. Although i struggled with depression and lack of motivation, it was NOTHING to what i struggle with now. I'm sure i have the same feelings as everyone else: (nothings real, i'm alone, its all made up, i'm not here, no meaning to life, friends don't exist, all in my head, etc..)

Anyways, i hate feeling like this, and i wish i could enjoy everyday life and go back to how i used to feel. i feel like i broke, and i don't work anymore. Even talking to people, sitting in rooms, etc feels weird, unreal, and surreal. I am jealous of other people and how great they must feel being able to just BE in the moment. I can remember how great it felt and wish i didn't take it for granted, and wish i appreciated it more at the time. I am raised in a strong family, with faith and morals. Since that morning i have questioned my faith greatly, but not in a positive way. i feel like i KNOW what's real, but i can't confirm anything anymore, because i can't experience it, i only can go on memory of how present and real i used to feel.

I've been really reluctant to take any medicine to help get me back to normal. I want something to FIX my brain because i know i am capable of feeling normal. This DP is not something i slipped into gradually overtime: it hit me like a truck on Nov 21, 2007, which leads me to believe that something caused it, and it did not occur naturally, meaning something should be able to undo it. Hopefully. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this, the past year and a half has been absolutely terrible, and i'm sorry for anyone who has had this for so long. That morning i woke up was the most frightening moment of my life, and i feel like i've been stuck there since then.

i should be out with my friends right now, but i ended up driving home, i felt too weird and unreal and everyone around me seemed like movie characters, so i figured i might as well come home and do homework since i wasn't enjoying myself anyways...
Thanks for reading it if you did, i've read around this forum a lot and it makes me feel good i'm not the only one 

Any comments/advice/suggestions/questions would be appreciated, i wish i could rewind 2 years and stopped whatever caused this! I wanna go back to my normal self! Is there anything worse to loose than you're own sense of being? I want it back, and someday when i do get it back (hopefully someday i will), i will be the happiest person alive. I'm sure we ALL feel that way...

-james


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## Jay (Mar 27, 2008)

Hey James, the thing i've noticed with DP is that although the symptoms are generally the same, the source and pattern of DP changes rapidly from person to person. Ok so let's talk about things you can do _right now_. For one thing, as hard as this may seem, distract yourself. As soon as you label this feeling of yours 'DP' it tends to stick in your mind, and is always in the background (if not in the foreground) of your mind. You need to try your hardest to go about your day without having the DP infiltrate your mind. Secondly, heighten your senses. When your outside, look around, be observant, take in the scene, it's color, texture, and other properties. Listen to the never-ending background noise. Really try to experience what you normally take for granted senses-wise. Surround yourself with family and friends to help get distracted from you own thoughts - It is much easier to ignore the feeling when actively conversing with others. Keep on going for therapy. One of the worst things to do is compare your situation to others (stories you have read on this site) as you might loose hope. Your situation is unique and is not an exact cut-out of someone elses experiences with DP. It would be preferable to talk with a psychiatrist. I know many people do not like taking medication, but if it comes to that, you and your doctor can work something out and you will find the relief you deserve. Feel free to contact me if you have any other questions
~ Jay


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## esshall (May 30, 2009)

Thank you for such a nice reply.
I've been working hard to distract myself, and have been doing my best to go through everyday as normally as possible. I'm planning on seeing a psychiatrist and have an appointment scheduled. I'm really excited to start feeling better. I KNOW i will 
I don't feel well now, but i know i will, and i'm a really patient person, i'm really stoked to get feeling good again and get back to enjoying the times with my friends and family, it's been way too long :/

Once again, thanks for the reply, Jay, it helps hearing from people. I've limited my time on this site, and researching online. I've REALLY cut back, 'cause that's what people have suggested. I'm just going to keep plotting through 

--James


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## awm4 (Aug 22, 2009)

I've heard that minocycline can cause depersonalization, actually, but anyways you've already stopped that. For me depersonalization started similarly, I was 13 years old and I started birth control pills for acne and the depersonalization started about 2 days after the first pill I took, just like that. I guess the problem is that just stopping the medication that may have caused the depersonalization doesn't fix it...our brains get stuck in the pattern of it. 
Good luck with everything


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## amalgamation (Sep 15, 2009)

hey sweetie, the only thing that has helped me drug wise has been geodon, it is my lifeline. i have been taking it for 4 years now and have practically been symptom free. i have my moments here and there but for the most part, FREEDOM. just a suggestion to talk to your doctor about. i feel your pain. i went through depersonalization for about a year in and out before i was able to stabilize it. you WILL get better, keep your faith, darling. if you need anything, have any questions, contact me. i have been dealing with this for over 6 years now.
love and peace,
heather


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