# Is this depersonalisation?



## blankbrain (Nov 30, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I've never used a forum for anything health related before (except as a lurker!) so hope this is the right way to do things. I'm late twenties lady in UK pleased to meet you. I have read a lot of posts before signing up and this seems like a nice community.

I will see my doctor if this continues, but in the mean time, I was wondering if you could share your opinions on whether the experience I am having is some sort of dissociation/depersonalisation please?

So I was dumped by my partner of a decade very recently and out of the blue and went through an initially excruciating grief process as you might expect and then started to rebuild my life, do things, see people, find work etc. A month on, I suddenly have woken up with this peculiar blankness for the past three - four days. I'm not tired or anxious (generally I am quite an anxious/sleepy person) but not energetic either. The overarching feeling is that I have no emotions or connection to the people I love (I know I love them but can't feel anything at all for myself or anyone). I can taste and smell food, cigarettes, shower gel etc but it's like I'm not experiencing these sensations or I have lost any emotional triggers in connection to them. I don't enjoy doing anything but I'm not sad. Just blank, totally blank. I am also finding it harder to write and communicate normally but not in an avoidant way, just like the feelings aren't there so everything I say or write is almost automated or dull to put across as my normal personality isn't behind it driving me or bouncing back and forth in a conversation. If I cross a road at the wrong time or hurt myself by accident, I feel that the adrenaline feeling in my tummy isn't firing. My vision almost feels a little out of focus, and I feel weirdly objective to everything around me. Even as I write this it's like the 'real' me isn't quite here and I'm communicating with you through someone else. Not quite someone else... like a barrier between me and the me that is typing. It can all be summarised by this: I feel as though I am not home.

In a sense it's a mixed blessing as I despise my usual anxiety, gut wrenching sensations and over empathy for other people's problems (which is currently stone dead and COMPLETELY unlike me) etc but I'm not sure that this void is any better as I feel unsure how I am coming across to people. Unfortunately my partner left me in financial dire straits so I must find new work at the moment and am concerned to go to interviews etc without the usual emotional cues guiding my behaviour. On the other hand I could be the perfect candidate if I am a lot less nervous than usual!

I have been with this partner my entire adult life and I am fairly sure this is some form of process of my body/mind protecting me from further pain. But because I have never been out in the world without him so to speak, I am scared this feeling is permanent because without highs and lows of emotion are what usually tell me 'how im doing' and now I just don't know (I almost don't care either? Not in a reckless way, in a detached way).

Anyway I am conscious that I have used the work 'I' 100 times here and can't expect you to read much more of some woman's self-interested rambling so will leave it at that!

Thanks for reading, *Blankbrain*

Username *blank* was taken which indicates I may be in the right place!


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Textbook DP im afraid. Its what i'm feeling as I type this message to you. In terms of performance, yes it can help somewhat in interviews etc. The logical, non-emotional brain can still function quite well.


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## blankbrain (Nov 30, 2013)

Thank you for responding it's much appreciated (as much as I can appreciate anything right now- but the 'normal' me would certainly be hugely grateful!).


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## blankbrain (Nov 30, 2013)

Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> Feeling Unreal, WOW reading the intro on amazon and it's right on the money. thanks very much


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

blankbrain said:


> Autonomic Space Monkey said:
> 
> 
> > Feeling Unreal, WOW reading the intro on amazon and it's right on the money. thanks very much


Just to save you alot of time blankbrain, the general consensus, atleast on this forum, is that DP/DR doesn't just come out of the blue, and so you need to have a look at your own personality and history to get a sense of why you started feeling this way. Are you introverted by nature for example? Were you ever neglected in earlier years? Etc etc...

It used to be that people said 'DP happened to me', but actually now everyone is realizing that DP did not happen to you, it happened because of you. It's not some external force that just found it's way to you magically.

I know this sounds obvious, but it's worth investigating.


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## blankbrain (Nov 30, 2013)

Thank you I totally agree with you and haven't had the resources to think about this in much depth during this period but as I am aware of the source of my generalised anxiety due to psychodynamic counselling several years ago, I know you are absolutely correct. Last year I started having panic attacks too which were also new to me at age 27. This is a whole new manifestation though which I have never experienced before. Life loves to throw you a curve ball! My instinct says that my body/brain feels it is currently out of coping resources and I have temporarily depersonalised to regroup. It is very peculiar but since about 20 mins after I made my first post, having had this for 3-4 days, I can sense it subsiding. I almost feel it is too coincidental and perhaps identifying it here and having the chance to discuss it has somehow 'broken the magic' so to speak. It does feel like being under a spell almost doesn't it? I don't know what exactly has moved me on but I'm, very grateful for people taking the time to respond. Hope there won't be a relapse (but sort of anticipating one here and there). Any tips you have about how to prevent relapse would be much appreciated. I presume staying away from stress is an important one!


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## blankbrain (Nov 30, 2013)

Hello everyone, I just popped in to add something that might be of use to some of the people suffering with this. Mine went away completely but just an emotional detachment stayed. I have since realised that as I am going through a stressful time in my life, I have been forgetful and believe I ended up taking too many of my paroxetine tablets at least twice this month (According to how many pills are left). I have reviewed the paroxetine/seroxat leaflet and depersonalisation is a possible side effect for 1 in 10000 people and I believe now that this was the culprit. Hope this helps someone who is scratching around for answers as I was. I really appreciate thatbpeople took the tme to respond as it was a very disconcerting experience, thank you x


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## slhm00 (Dec 18, 2013)

Oh, Blackbrian, my heart goes out to you. I remember when I began to experience DP/DR three years ago, I had absolutely NO idea what was going on. My anxiety and DP had gotten so bad, I actually was looking up symptoms of schizophrenia, because I literally thought I was losing my mind. But please remember, you are NOT crazy. It took me a very long time to realize this is a very common problem that many people unfortunately face (even though I still can't believe it amidst a full-on episode). My advice to you would be to seek help immediately. Speak with a physician and ask for a good fitness/exercise routine, and find a good psychologist to speak to. I was so terrified the first time I went, but there's nothing to fear! It's an amazing release of tension.

Also, try to keep things you watch and read very light. I adore the works of Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, and love very artistic, existential films, but good GOD that's the last thing you need to expose yourself to right now.You're in a fragile state of mind and this won't do you any good. Be kind to yourself and don't think this is caused by anything you've done, this is just something that unfortunately happened. If you're religious, it's a good idea to read your holy book or attend regular services. If you're not, take a walk in beautiful nature and see the wonderful things on this earth (which is good regardless of your religious beliefs, actually!). It's also a good idea to keep a journal, if you don't already. It's a wonderful feeling to release the frightening feelings from your head and put them somewhere else, if only for a moment.

All in all, remember there is help out there, you just have to be willing to get it. Try to open up to family, friends, and coworkers about your situation so they know what's going on and how to support you through a DP episode. The beginning is the most difficult part, but don't lose hope. You will get through this just like the rest of us!!!


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## blankbrain (Nov 30, 2013)

Thank you ever so much slhm00. I seem to be dipping in and out of it quite sporadically and generally find avoiding too much introspection helps like you say. I also looked at the prodome symtpoms of schizophrenia with a lot of fear so am reassured by you doing the same! I find a vast improvement if I walk in places in my city that are fairly quiet but outdoors (and not too hectic) like you say - parks/beach nature all very distracting in a positive way. My family are as understanding as they can be but it's a bit of a weird one and I find it is better not to go on about it trying to make them understand as I go inside my head too much then.

Little update: Part of my sudden break up meant I had to find work imminently- the depersonalization seems to have removed the anxiety from interview process and has actually had some benefits - I got the job and felt myself come back a tiny bit the same day. On my first day of work today I found my concentration is much improved and firmly believe that all of the people saying to keep busy and get out and about are absolutely correct.

As a side note: I also feel there is a possibility that the Kalms I was taking to sleep were interacting with my paroxetine/seroxat. The herb in Kalms is Valerian and while the leaflet deoesnt mention it in the pack, the Merck manual I found on google says it is risky to combine the two. Just a warning to anyone mixing herbs with SSRIs.

Anyway as usual I have written far more than intended so thank you and have a good evening!


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## Meticulous (Jul 30, 2013)

The feeling of being abandoned by someone you invested so much into for all of those years is extremely overwhelming. Especially if you were an anxious person to begin with. It sounds to me like the emotions just became too much to deal with, so unfortunately your brain went into safe-mode AKA the dreaded depersonalization. There is no easy way to recover from this, so I won't sugar coat it, but you will find PLENTY of help on this website. Welcome to the forum and good luck!


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Feeling the same *sigh*. Hope she got better though.


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