# being present



## Guest (Aug 19, 2004)

the dp/dr is beginning to break up. i only have short "clear" periods, like an hour or so. it's been a quiet and gradual change that followed an intensely emotional period (you know, the 'i have nothing left to go on with' kind).

when i am nervous, or get caught up in head-trips or roles, it returns... (which is a good part of the time still).

strangely, though, i have experienced a crystally, present feeling that is so different from my pre-DP/DR sense of reality. before, it was a totally integrated very "narcissistic", personalized, affect-drenched (as is mentioned in research and personal accounts) experience. this is different from that, (or so it appears)-- my collander-like memory seems to scribble frantically in fat crayon.

anyway, practicing being present (as you would in meditation), whether feeling (in body or in mind) good or bad, accepting everything as it is (i've now imagined someone groaning cringily at the sound of that), and re-orienting myself to my ideas about everything, is what, i'm guessing precipitated this shift. but i've never felt this way before, that's for sure.

just accepting, just seeing (similar to what seems to take the wind out of the sails of obssessive thoughts), and separating feelings from thoughts, and da da da da (da)....

what dreamer posted about just BEING, no WEIGHT, no PROVING, (and i add, no ROLES, no IDEAS about things). i'm guessing that's what helped.

that's it!

me too, dreamer, i've just come to realize that existing is not based on a right, or "my worth" isn't conditional. i actually feel "existing" now! and it's not a dreaded, mistake-riddled, humiliating, shameful phenomenon.

lol i'm totally derealized now because i got nervous writing this post... habit-breaking means endless practice, don' it.

....and that's what i have to say. heh 

i wish everyone well!


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