# Hello all, may I join your merry community please?



## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Hello all.

Firstly I must say how happy I am that I?ve found this site; the very fact that there is a name for what ails me is a massive relief to me. I also find it heartbreaking that there are other people stuck in this ?other world? with me, as the life I lead is in no way one which I would wish on my deepest of enemies.

Since the age of around 12 I have felt that there was something a bit different about the way that I perceived the world, I could almost class it as slipping in and out of awareness, sometimes I just skimmed through life and was as ?normal? as everyone. It was only occasionally when I would find myself becoming super-aware of the very absurdity of life itself, ?how does it work??, ?why are we here??, ?am I even here??, ?is this whole thing just a twisted figment of my own imagination??. But these moments would pass, normally within a few second and at the most after a few minutes. I think as I grew older they may have become more frequent and possibly slightly more intense and scary but nothing compared to what has happened to me over the past few months.

On January 29th of this year I suffered an incomplete miscarriage, then, on being scanned a week later, I was told that I was in fact still pregnant; but because I was bleeding constantly I would need to be scanned on a regular basis. The very fact that my baby had been given back to me after I had grieved so heavily for her was a miracle to me, I had gone from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. It became apparent in the following weeks though that the baby was not developing, her heart never started to beat and, as time passed it became apparent that it never would. I bled so heavily that I became massively anaemic and eventually miscarried.

Before carry on with the following I must explain that I only use the term ?dp? after reading about it on here, at the time that all of this was happening to me I had no idea that anyone else in the world could possibly be so weird as me (no offence folks but I?m sure you know where I?m coming from with that).

It was during the time that ?my baby was back with me? that my dp really began to take over my life. I was sitting in Lancaster train station waiting to go home after visiting a friend to do some shopping that I had the most bizarre of experiences. I was sitting in the waiting room and had just began to read my book when I suddenly felt as if I wasn?t there, it was as if my body had been possessed and I just had to get up and walk, to clear my head and get back to ?normal?, see this sort of thing wasn?t really new to me (although this was a far more intense experience that I had previously suffered from) and normally moving around and distracting myself was enough to bring myself back to normality. This was different though, I was walking but could not comprehend that it was actually me making my legs move, I felt like I has suddenly fallen asleep and was dreaming. But I was breaking out in a cold sweat and panicking, I closed my eyes and willed myself to wake up but it became obvious that this wasn?t a dream. I phoned my boyfriend from outside of the station, I?m amazed that he didn?t try and get me sectioned because I must have sounded deranged to him, I gradually calmed down a little but this feeling didn?t really leave me until the following day. That was the 9th February.
Since then my dp became an occasional visitor to me, as it had in the past, just slightly more intense. I was able to push it away again though and was pretty much back to normal. My boyfriend had a hip replacement a couple of weeks later and I spent the whole day alone in the hospital waiting for word on how he was, normally having so much time to ponder things would have been the perfect situation for my dp to rear its ugly head but as far as I can remember it didn?t, maybe because my mind was focused elsewhere. (I?m sure things such as ages make little sense here with my boyfriend having had a hip replacement; he?s 23 but had a bad accident 4 years ago, I?m 24. Just thought it might help to explain that).
It is only during the past week that the dp came back with a vengeance, since last Thursday I?ve had barely a moment of peace from the questions swirling through my head, I became convinced that I had died at the train station, of fallen into a coma. I had almost completely convinced myself that this was either Limbo or Hell. It became so bad on Saturday that I finally confided in my mum, she is a Nurse Practitioner but I never wanted her knowing that her daughter was a loon before so I always kept quiet about everything. I was sure that I was going to lose my mind if I was left to cope with this monster for another moment I would simply implode (does that make sense to anyone??). Anyway I struggled to explain my symptoms to her and she was convinced I was suffering from anxiety, as much as I tried to persuade her otherwise she told me to read about it on the internet and see if I could relate. This is when I came across this site; I?m not sure what it was that I googled, maybe ?anxiety & dream-like?, whatever it was I can surely say that this site was my saviour. The thread where people put their symptoms into words was like a whole new world opening for me, this was something I?d never managed to do before, all I could explain was my ?dream-like? feeling, which I?m sure had my Doctor convinced that I was suffering from exhaustion. To someone free from dp I truly don?t think that they can comprehend the intensity of the dream-like situation, or the sheer horror of realisation that can come with it. I phoned my Doctor on Monday to make an appointment, I have to wait until Thursday (tomorrow now, woo!) to see him but I?m lucky that I have a mum with anxiety issues and she takes Loprazolam, at the moment we?re sharing her medication, I?m not really sure how much it?s helping me but it seems to get me through the day at work and takes the edge off the really bad times.
I?ve used some of the peoples explanations of their symptoms on this site to compile a list of symptoms that best explain how I feel; hopefully this will help the Doctor to see where I?m coming from. I hope no one is going to sue me for breach of copyright :shock: .
I?ve been dreaming for 6 days solid now and hope very much that I?ll wake up soon. I hope that everyone else on this site wakes up with time too.

That is if you are not all just a figment of my distorted imagination that is?

Thank you all and zbohem xoxox


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

I'm dyslexic so reading all you wrote would tired me big styley, I just want to comment on how much of a fox you are :wink: bless ya

Welcome to the forum...

Best to pay me no mind


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Jeez thanks  haha.

I always think a picture makes a person more real, I had fun scanning through the photos section of this site, Actually seeing people 'like me' was bizarre, I've never done that before! Is that just weird?!

Anyway, nice to meet you mr puppet}eer, you are almost a local to me.

zbohem x


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

No worries.

Indeed, being dyslexic I rather work with pictures then words, cos images mean a hell of a lot more to me =). Do you mean you saw people who looked ?normal? while looking through the photo section? I guess we only look/seem abnormal if we?re open about our ?disorder/s?? so we have a choice how people judge us in a small respect, if we keep quiet about how we feel we can "look" as if we're living a normal life... I mean, I think I seem like a dizzy guy most of the time  

Right back at ya, tis nice to meet you miss siouxsie, small world isn?t it? =)


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Exactly, all the people on here could be anyone I see at anytime in my day to day life. It's hard to pick a face out of a crowd and imagine that they could possibly think in the way I do. But I guess it's possible that they do.
When I'm not in this state 24/7 I'm most certainly the life and soul of a party, mildy silly if I'm honest.

Seems that anyone can be a whacko!

zbohem x

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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Welcome!  
I've been gone a couple of days and I see you've gone back to your old "self", Darren. lol


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Hello there invisible.ink. Nice to meet you 

zbohem x


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

Seeking perfection only to become aware the crowd long for perfection as well, we are all different and we all have our own difficulties from time to time, it?s what makes us human; imperfections. I?m glad you?ve a taste of what life is; I?ve chronic DR/DP? this is my normality? this is what life is for me? yet one day I will be free.

You?re either kidding yourself or whacko in my eyes.


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

invisible.ink said:


> I've been gone a couple of days and I see you've gone back to your old "self", Darren. lol


Oh we have our ?up and downs?? guess which one I have been in lately? =)


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> Seeking perfection only to become aware the crowd long for perfection as well, we are all different and we all have our own difficulties from time to time, it?s what makes us human; imperfections. I?m glad you?ve a taste of what life is; I?ve chronic DR/DP? this is my normality? this is what life is for me? yet one day I will be free.
> 
> You?re either kidding yourself or whacko in my eyes.
> 
> ...


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

I'm bout to sleep... yet I need to correct me self pallll...

Right "You?re either kidding yourself or whacko in my eyes."

I didn't mean to direct it towards you, I meant people in general either kid their self by believing in something which isn't proven or "they" are a whacko.


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

I understand now, thanks for that mr puppet}eer 

Am I ok calling you that? I remember the Emulating part now but I see you as Mr Puppet}eer, sorry. That's who you are to me now. I can change..

zbohem x


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

invisible.ink said:


> Welcome!
> I've been gone a couple of days and I see you've gone back to your old "self", Darren. lol


To be honest with you, I feel more and more alone while I use this site, because people tend to write 10.000 words of bullshit which confuse the fook outta me? and now it?s just starting to piss me off, fair enough like? not every one is dyslexic? but it?s hurting that I?m missing out on loads of convos because I can?t take in what I read.


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

Well I can't even put sounds together with your user name... so you're known as "bint" to me =P... call me what ever you want... I've called you I want =D freedom of speech "free styley"


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

It's pronounced suzi or soozy.
I drew you a picture in paint earlier but couldn't upload it. I like to do nice things for people who are nice to me, and other friends with dyslexia always like my stick man doodles.
Now I'm not sure if you're nice to me or not. I'm also a terrible judge of character.

Please don't feel alone though.
You can call me Bint if it makes you feel better. You made me smile earlier, now not so much.

zbohem x


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2007)

I feel like crying, I should have today when I felt like crying in front of my counsellor, but I told him I didn?t want too? *Shakes head* now I feel like a puppet, I wonder why when I hold back on showing the emotions I ?feel? during the ?now? of the moment? I don?t feel any type of positive emotion while talking to him, I?m unaware when I smile at him because no emotion is linked to it, yet I agree with him that it?s not ?fake? smile I give off to him?and so if I?m to feel I need negative emotions which course me or others pain? I feel pain so well? it?s how I know I?m alive, *Shakes head* why I can?t feel pleasure to also feel alive; I don?t know.

Well hello Suzi.

You haven?t given enough time to set a judgement of me? so it won?t be a good one for the time being, give yourself more time.

I?m feeling my old friend depression at the moment, the overwhelming sense of inner pain?

I?m good at making others smile? just not myself? too many selfless acts have made me feel non-important? the cross roads I look out towards give me a sense of confusion? which road am I to take?


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

It's a terrible habit I have, I ramble.
You should take the A6, it's always the A6. Sorry, that was terrible.

And you can call me bint, I have no objections 

zbohem x


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## Guest (Mar 29, 2007)

Hey siouxsie,

Just wanted to say welcome, its always good to have a new face
on the site.
I just have to warn you though, sometimes I get a bit over exited, not often, but sometimes. Other members are aware of this already, It started when I was a kid. I will post an example of what I am talking about. This was me many years ago.






Greg


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Wow! You're special! :lol:

Nice to meet you.

zbohem x


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## Fant?me (Feb 2, 2007)

siouxsie said:


> On January 29th of this year I suffered an incomplete miscarriage, then, on being scanned a week later, I was told that I was in fact still pregnant; but because I was bleeding constantly I would need to be scanned on a regular basis.


Almost the same thing happened to my girlfriend the very same month. Except it was from a bad socialized canadian abortion. Shes been hemorrhaging for months. I'm proud, i'm 22 and i've already been the father of a miscarriage and an aborted glob of unconscious crap. No guilt here.


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Sorry to hear about that. Must be a pretty traumatic time for you.

Have a *hug*

zbohem x


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## Bradros (Mar 23, 2007)

siouxsie


> That is if you are not all just a figment of my distorted imagination that is?


Well i can vouch for you and tell you, i am not a figment of your imagination, or maybe your big post and you, yourself are a figment of my imagination, now that would be REALLY trippy, but i somehow dont think thats our situation 

Where all here, just like i am typing to you from behind this keyboard and just like your typing to me from behind yours. So lets just cross that option out. As for the strange feelings and the dream-like state, well i have been looking at this forum for about 2 months and have only just got a login arghhh, btw whats up with the stupid email confirmation thing? It doesnt bloody work, pardon my french. Anyway back to my point, this "feeling" we all have, is just a feeling, As far as im concerned, if our brain can change to beleive we are dreaming, it can change back, how? Well that's the million dollar question. Asuming your story tells us everything, you diddn't take any drugs to get this way so surely taking drugs now wont take it away?

Anyway im blabbering on, basically i am the same, before i came to this site i diddn't even know DP existed, i dont even know if it is DP that i have, but what i do know is, things are not right, they are not the same, and thats partly because we have programmed our brains to believe it, is this real, am i real, is this a dream, am i dead, oh no im dead oh no.. and your brain just thinks arghhhhh your saying this so bloody often it must be true, and you beleive it, until thats it this is now your norm, this horrible state, the day you went to read your book and got that freakyness, however strong it was, if you had of just thought "f**k it* even if it was really strong and just carried on reading that book, maybe your brain wouldnt of persued it.

I am going to stop now because im getting to the stage where i don't know what i am talking about anymore.

Peace.

and remember "Energy flows where attention goes"

moo cheese

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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Bradros said:


> "Energy flows where attention goes"


Wow, never a more true was said


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

Bradros said:


> Well i can vouch for you and tell you, i am not a figment of your imagination, or maybe your big post and you, yourself are a figment of my imagination, now that would be REALLY trippy, but i somehow dont think thats our situation


Wouldn't that be fun though, we could all be figments.

The word 'figment' is starting to sound weird to me now, odd how that happens.

Anyway, hola Bradros.

zbohem x


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