# How I coped with dp/dr



## Sinister (Jul 10, 2011)

Wanted to share my story of how I got dp/dr and how I coped with it.

I started to use psychedelics to explore the inner and outer world. To go deep with a lot of philosophical questions, to go deep within myself and to explore the world with new eyes. I was 18 when I first tried shrooms. This was after I had done extensive research on all kinds of drugs over a couple of years. You can say I knew a lot more about drugs and how they work than most people. I also had rules on how often I would take substances.

One day after a really hard night out drinking I was seriously hungover at work. I was doing some paperwork when I experienced something that I thought was a flashback. I look to my left and suddenly it feels like the room was stretching out while my vision at the same time was zooming in. Really weird. This was accompanied by really bad panic anxiety and nausea. I felt the chills go down my spine. The first time I had a flashback I also experienced a jolt of fear, because I didn't understand what was happening. That faded as soon as I understood what was going on. This time it was different. The fear didn't subside. If anything it grew stronger as it dawned on me that the "flashback" wasn't letting go. When you are on drugs and you become afraid of something it's "ok" because you are intoxicated. When you get fear because something is off and you are sober it is very different. I was extremely aware, while at the same time in some sort of unreal and psychedelic haze. After a while I managed to relax a little, but the unreal feeling was still there. I was trying to understand just what the hell was going on. After a couple of hours I told my boss that I didn't feel well, and had to go home. I met with some friends and we went out to a nightclub. After some beers I realized that I felt normal again. I managed to relax. This was really important because I knew that if alcohol could soften the symptoms, then me, myself would maybe be able to think my way out of it in time. Well, that was my plan at least. Remember I still thought I had had a flashback that wouldn't let go. Me, one of the more responsible people when it came to drug experimentation was fucked because of the drugs. That was a hard pill to swallow. I had gotten myself into it so it was going to be me, and just me that got myself out of it. I wouldn't change my life because of it, I would stay on track. If not for me then for the people I love. Medicating myself was not an option either. It would only help the symptoms and not get to the core of what was happening to me. I made a pledge to myself to continue my life as before, be social, work, party, etc.

The next month was fucking intense and hardcore. As mentioned I became hyper aware. On top of this a was disconnected from my emotion registry. A lot of the insight that before only was accessible when tripping balls on acid or shrooms was now available 24/7. I have always been a bit introverted and I consider myself both deep and intelligent. Always loved to ponder on philosophical questions. What am I, where do it all come from, what is reality, etc. The thing now was that I REALLY understood all the absurd realities about these questions. You just go deeper and deeper trying to sort things out. What was before the big bang, what was before that again, what is time? what is space? does anything mean anything? time, space? If time is supposed to have a meaning then it need a start and an end. What was before and after? Is time just something we experience to inhabit this reality? Is everthing that has happened, happens and will happen all just the same? That everything that was, is and ever will be only exist in just this very moment? How about space? Does size matter? What is outside the universe, is this universe just part of a particle of an atom in another universe? Not to get all philosophical here but just needed to show some of my thoughts and how they just went on and on, deeper and deeper. There was no off-switch. I couldn't just let these questions go. A lot of time went by pondering these questions. You can say I went through an existential crisis.

I worked as a manager at the warehouse department in a big store. This meant being the boss of about ten other people and responsibility. I started to look for patterns. When did the anxiety attacks come the most? It usually was when it was a lot going on and stressful situations. Therefore I made a deal with my boss to get a shitload of work done each week for a bonus. It was absolutely horrific to begin with. Panic attacks all the fucking time. But then, after a while I started to get used to them, and when the weeks passed they became less and less frequent. Though the panic attacks subsided the unreal feeling didn't. I started to look for moments when I forgot that everything felt unreal. Playing pc-games actually helped me a lot. Just escaping reality and go into another world. It was extremely relaxing to be able to reduce my awareness level. Work also offered me time to forget about the unreal feeling. Work therefore helped me a lot by both tackling it head on and at the same time loose myself in the work and don't think about my condition all the god damn time.

I also started training a lot. 4-6 times a week. Not necessarily super hard workouts, but at least jogging for half an hour. Food didn't give me much joy so I shifted to just healthy food. What's the point of eating a burger when it doesn't taste anything special and you just feel nauseous afterwards. Another tactic I used was smoking weed. I saw that when I smoked it would get extremely intense and all the effects of dp/dr got amplified. While seeming counterproductive this actually helped me chill out afterwards. When I got down from the weed I was a bit more "normal" than before. At least compared to when I was high. This helped me get used to the "normal" feeling of unreality. My tactic was sort of tackling my condition head on and forgetting it with more focus on the latter as time progressed.

After a month or so I started wondering what I really was afraid of. Was anything really different? Why was I frightened? I started to understand that the only thing that had changed was my perspective of reality. I started using psychedelics to go deep on philosophical questions, but I don't think I used enough time to embed what I learned on those trips in the real world. Like I had a backlog of insight and information waiting to be incorporated in my day to day life. Then one day the dam burst and it all came flooding in. I also got HPPD and I think that played a part as well. Probably some other factors too. Stuff like this usually has some very complicated explanations.

Over the next 2-3 months I started feeling more and more normal before it almost went completely away, though I still got both panic attacks and unreal feelings from time to time over the next year. The thing is it's still there. I just gotten used to it and it now feel normal to me. When I meditate, smoke weed or just ponder on philosophical questions I can tap into the dp/dr-condition, but now I control it. I can turn it off at will. Even though I found the whole experience absolutely terrifying at the beginning, I know see it as a blessing. I got a very deep understanding for a lot on interesting philosophical and metaphysical questions, I know myself better than most people do and I got out of it all by myself. The worst thing about the whole experience was how alone I felt. Tried telling some friends about it, but they didn't understand at all, not that I blame them. I didn't understand what was going on myself. It was long after I had managed the condition that I learned what had happened to me. I was reading about HPPD and stumbled across a site that was about dp/dr as well. That was strong stuff. I'm glad I found out about after I had gotten myself through it. I consider myself lucky that I was able to control it as fast as I did. If I had known that many have it for years on end I don't know if it would have been as easy.

I wrote this piece to put words on my experience and maybe help others that are struggling. I can't say I recommend smoking weed or doing drugs while suffering from dp/dr, but it helped me a great deal coming to grips with what was happening and how to cope with it. I think it helped me a lot to accept the state of things right away. It realized it wouldn't help to struggle. The only thing that was going to help was moving on, and time was my friend. I found activities that helped me deal with dp/dr in a constructive way and used them for what they were worth. Extremely hard in the start, but when I sensed that things got better it became easier and easier.

It is some years ago so I may have forgotten a couple of details, but if you want to ask anything, don't hesitate.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

do you still have dp, you just feel fine with it?


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