# Supposedly, I Should be Stronger Because I was Bullied



## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

SPOILER ALERT: It didn't work out that way, at all.

The number one piece of shitty advice I keep hearing is "stop letting it bother you" or "just move on, it's in the past!". People say these things as if I spend every day wallowing in the memories of my grueling adversities from some 4 or 5 years ago, but that's not what I'm doing. Right now I'm still dealing with crippling shame, anxiety, depression, shitty coping habits, lack of confidences and constant feelings of being helpless to do anything about any of it. The bullying stopped being the problem ages ago, the problem now is the resulting damage, but no one understands that. If I list off my problems without mentioning the bullying, they act like I'm just sick and need pills, if I do mention how I was bullied they tell me to just stop worrying about things in the past, and to move on. I did move on, but the baggage came with me. It's like if I got hit by a car and ended up in a wheel chair, and everyone is telling me to just get up and start walking because the car isn't a part of my life any more. THE CAR ISN'T THE PROBLEM!

How it's supposed to work out, according to people who have never been harassed to the point of tears every day; is that I spend, like, a year max getting harassed, and then manage to find my real friends who teach me to be myself and stand up to those mean bullies. That never fucking happened. most of the people I tried to make friends with ended up liking my bullies more and then joined in on the fun and games that involved making me feel like shit. I had a lot of bullies, all spread out among the different little friend groups I was ostracized from, I can think of 8 different people who harassed me regularly.

I was convinced that the people who made up my largest conglomeration were all my friends because apparently I developed some sort of Stockholm syndrome. So, no matter how awful things got I would always come back, because having no friends always seemed worse than being horribly bullied for some fucked up reason. Oh, and the best part about this is that one of my worst bullies became my best friend latter on, and he stilled managed to make my life miserable because he loves threatening suicide every time things start going belly up for him. So, I ended up feeling responsible for his well being because all of this left me with crippling codependency. Also, I developed god awful social anxiety that made finding actual friends impossible, and as a bonus I was convinced I could fix my problems if I wasn't ugly, so I nearly slipped into anorexia!

The biggest thing I hear about how bullying should have made me stronger is that I would learn how to cope with adversity and assholes. I cope with adversity by burying my head in the sand and pretending the problem doesn't exist, because that was all I felt I could with bullying, just go home and sit in my room pretending nothing happened. Oh, GOLLY! This 10 page essay is really hard and stressing me out, well, I know how to deal with! I'll just spend the next week avoiding it and push the whole thing out my mind, because that's how I learned to deal with my worst problems. As far as I'm concerned I have no power to change my life for the better because any effort I made to alleviate my bullying either made it worse or counted for nothing, that's a lovely lesson to be taught for 6 fucking yeas.

Sometime i have to wonder if things would have been better if I had the balls to actually act out in some way; maybe I should of beat the shit out of someone, threatened suicide, took up drug abuse or developed issues with emotional regulation. Then maybe some of those useless adults would of recognized there was a serious problem and helped me, but they never did because I was to terrified to speak up about anything.

So, I'm tiered of hearing how I'm better off from being bullied, because I'm not. It's cost me way to much of my life in the long run.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Hey there,

Ur not alone with this...I too endured school bullying in high school by a group of girls and also a few guys. Yes bullying hurts and can reck havoc on ur self esteem. The real damage is done when u start to believe the lies the bullies say and then u start to hate urself. The best advice would be to start loving urself no matter what, u will have to deal with difficult ppl int he future but the best thing u can do is to get some balls and tell future bullies to get fucked or even punch them int he head. I ended up slapping the girl accross the face when I was 15 and left a red mark on her faced or the whole day it felt good  she kinda left me alone after that.

But there were painfull moments when I wud enter class and there was the group of girls behind me saying shit and throwing things at me I got so fuking angry but kept it inside...I wish I exploded but hey u can always change ur behaviours it's never too late but the main thing is to begin to love urself and then when u do u will stand up for urself


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

missjess said:


> Hey there,
> 
> Ur not alone with this...I too endured school bullying in high school by a group of girls and also a few guys. Yes bullying hurts and can reck havoc on ur self esteem. The real damage is done when u start to believe the lies the bullies say and then u start to hate urself. The best advice would be to start loving urself no matter what, u will have to deal with difficult ppl int he future but the best thing u can do is to get some balls and tell future bullies to get fucked or even punch them int he head. I ended up slapping the girl accross the face when I was 15 and left a red mark on her faced or the whole day it felt good  she kinda left me alone after that.
> 
> But there were painfull moments when I wud enter class and there was the group of girls behind me saying shit and throwing things at me I got so fuking angry but kept it inside...I wish I exploded but hey u can always change ur behaviours it's never too late but the main thing is to begin to love urself and then when u do u will stand up for urself


Thanks a lot, I know what I have to do, and I have improved a lot in some areas, but it's just really hard to do it because of how ingrained all of this crap is. At some point I stopped connecting it with bullying and just accepted it all as a part of my personality. That just made staying in a bad situation easier to cope with.

Looking back, I can see the kind of person I wanted to be and the people I wanted to be with, but I was always to afraid to do anything about it and express myself. It feels like a lost opportunity so many years later. High school should of been a time for experimenting and building confidence because there were few consequences for screwing up. Now that I'm in college and getting in to the adult world, there is no room for errors and I feel like if I try and explore myself now, I'll just fuck things up and end up living in a cardboard box. I hardly know myself as a person.

I should love myself, but I've never seen a reason to, and the idea of unconditional love has always been lost on me


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Well it is tough when u don't get the love from ur parents...how the hell wud u know how to unconditionally love urself if ur parents didn't demonstrate it? It is never too late to discover who u are...ppl do it all the time even in there 40s ...and who said it's not a time for errors ? Why because ur in university? How can u learn if u don't make errors? U just gotta practice coming out and seeing that ur ok and acceptable as you are as a PERSON....quit looking for acceptance. Accept urself. I always say that inner child work is the best tool for self love and codependency I garnered if u do it daily for 3-6 months u won't be codependent anymore and u will stand up and protect urself.

Just because u screwed up socially in high school doesn't mean it's over. It wasent even ur fault, u probly had faulty conditioning, and no one to teach u how to be social and make it in the real world but u can always teach urself. Don't beat urself up on the way, to defeat the shame one must come out without any judgements. Never judge urself no matter what.


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-life-lessons-you-learn-from-being-bullied/

This was the article that set me off to begin with. It's nice to see that people who are commenting have the same experience with the long term effects of bullying.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I'm sure u have many good qualities, I can say that u r a very valued member in this forum & I always love hearing wat u have to say


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

Thanks a bunch missjess~! I'm getting better ideas of what I need to work on personally.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

You know what could help? Taking some kind of martial arts or self-defense class, like Krav Maga.

I know you might think that's like closing the barn door after the horse has run off, but it does have an enormous healing effect on your psyche, just becoming a different kind of person (one who is confident in standing up for oneself if need be.) The other part has been mentioned many times on this forum - my version of it is "stop bottling up your true feelings - anger, sadness, joy, etc." because when you do, there's a tendency to take overcompensation to a really unhealthy level.

And as far as codependency, in my experience the first step to dealing with that is removing "dependency" from the equation - determine areas where you are (unnecessarily) dependent and work on becoming independent.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Haumea that's a great idea about taking a martial arts class

Wat do u mean by there is a tendency to take overcompensation to an unhealthy level? Sorry I didn't understand wat that meant


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Antimony said:


> Thanks a bunch missjess~! I'm getting better ideas of what I need to work on personally.


Ur welcome  u will get there!!!


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

If you knew me in high school you'd be very surprised to meet me today

I went through the same shit too, I still have social anxiety

But ya know what, I wouldn't change the past at all

Cuz I've learned a lot about myself and I AM stronger

It's not an overnight change though, it's okay to need time to heal

And things don't get easier until you decide what you want in life and go for it


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

MissJess,

I think many people with depersonalization bottle up their emotions. Fearless writes about this on his blog in the entry about "alien self", except he uses different language/terminology.

But the basic concept is the same: bottling up emotions - suppression - creates massive feeling of insecurity. This must somehow be dealt with, so the person may use some kind of unhealthy coping strategy which ultimately does not make things better - and can make them a lot worse, resulting in DP even, since the original issue is never resolved or addressed. The only solution is to realize one is bottling up emotions and to begin expressing them.


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

Haumea said:


> You know what could help? Taking some kind of martial arts or self-defense class, like Krav Maga.
> 
> I know you might think that's like closing the barn door after the horse has run off, but it does have an enormous healing effect on your psyche, just becoming a different kind of person (one who is confident in standing up for oneself if need be.) The other part has been mentioned many times on this forum - my version of it is "stop bottling up your true feelings - anger, sadness, joy, etc." because when you do, there's a tendency to take overcompensation to a really unhealthy level.
> 
> And as far as codependency, in my experience the first step to dealing with that is removing "dependency" from the equation - determine areas where you are (unnecessarily) dependent and work on becoming independent.


I don't think martial arts would do much for me, it was never physically violent. They mostly spent there time convincing my I was worthless, stupid and unwanted while at the same time telling me were friends, and any time I ever tried to oppose them for being assholes they would I was being awful, cruel and overreacting.

I've always had trouble expressing my emotions. I have literally never once raised my voice at another. Ever. People were so used to me being quite and out of the way that any time I did something to the contrary people would either be angry with me, say I was over reacting, or I'd get laughed out of the room. That happened quite a few times.


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

seafoam mellow said:


> If you knew me in high school you'd be very surprised to meet me today
> 
> I went through the same shit too, I still have social anxiety
> 
> ...


I would absolutely change it. Then I could have learned a lot about myself in a secure environment with actual supportive friends. When I do fix this mess, I won't be better off than anyone who wasn't bullied, I'll just have shaken off a massive disadvantage. I keep hearing people say I'll be stronger, but they never say how. Well, they do, because not trusting people and being once-bitten by years of abuse makes you less prone to being screwed over by awful people later, apparently.

Whatever strength comes from sever bullying, it isn't the kind that anyone should ever have to be burdened with; it isn't worth the price.

I know your trying to help, and I appreciate it. I'm just fed up with people trying to attach a silver lining to this.


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

I have experienced bullying but I´m not a victim. Are these real friends of you? I come from an environment where people can be a little rough with each other when drunk, but mostly we´re OK.

Many times I have been the receiver of some bad comments but I usually answer back (in a neutral manner). Remember that bullies suffer too. If it gets too much, just say what you mean directly and be honest. In my opinion, bully victims exist only in the movies. In real life, everyone gets some s**t time and again!

If someone needs to step on someone else it´s due to fear. Violence is due to fear, I believe. Deep down, a human does´nt need to do violence but everyone can be afflicted with emotional disturbances that make them behave like fools.

I have a friend who says that he´s a bully victim and he has now 1500 friends on Facebook if that´s a comparison.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Haumea said:


> MissJess,
> 
> I think many people with depersonalization bottle up their emotions. Fearless writes about this on his blog in the entry about "alien self", except he uses different language/terminology.
> 
> But the basic concept is the same: bottling up emotions - suppression - creates massive feeling of insecurity. This must somehow be dealt with, so the person may use some kind of unhealthy coping strategy which ultimately does not make things better - and can make them a lot worse, resulting in DP even, since the original issue is never resolved or addressed. The only solution is to realize one is bottling up emotions and to begin expressing them.


I couldn't give 2 shits about wat fearless wrote. But I was just trying to figure out with what u said and how it related to what antimony wrote. Ppl with dp bottle up there emotions mainly because of lack of trust. But yes expressing emotion is the key


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Odysseus not everyone bullies ppl out of fear. I used to be a bully sometimes in primary school and it was just because I enjoyed teasing ppl for fun. I wouldn't rlly look at bullies from that perspective because then ul start to feel sorry for them and won't do anything about it. It's best to react in the moment and tell them to get fuked


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

Missjess, what I say is that bullies suffer too. Feeling pity for someone is like feeling a superiority over them also isn´t it?

Teasing people is not the same as bullying. Youngsters like to tease, but bullying is violence. I don´t know how bad you were.

I agree to react in the moment and tell them to shape up! The bully can seem scary, but he´s no tougher than you.


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2014)

odysseus said:


> I have experienced bullying but I´m not a victim. Are these real friends of you? I come from an environment where people can be a little rough with each other when drunk, but mostly we´re OK.
> 
> Many times I have been the receiver of some bad comments but I usually answer back (in a neutral manner). Remember that bullies suffer too. If it gets too much, just say what you mean directly and be honest. In my opinion, bully victims exist only in the movies. In real life, everyone gets some s**t time and again!
> 
> ...


Firstly, this took place 3-4 something years ago, so the damage is done, and the harassment went well beyond just some unpleasant remarks, and isn't something that could have ever been fixed by just talking.

It's clear you've never suffered any serious bullying, which is good for you, but there are victims. To many people have killed themselves because of bullying.


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## Guest (Feb 12, 2014)

It´s a terrible fact that there are so called "victims". I wish I could be there for them to support. Everybody who has been bullied should have patience and know that it´s not their fault and that bullies are in the minority of people. It´s a tough one with suicide, but there could be more factors involved. Bullies deserve no meals.

Sorry, that was tough...

Everybody has friends, whether they know it or not!


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Antimony

I know what ur going thru. The damage had already been done with me aswel and it's very hard to heal those wounds but it's possible. Bullying ruins ur trust in peers and opening urself up again and being vulnerable to others. One way u won't be afraid of bullying is if u have self trust and can protect urself in any given moment then u won't give 2 hoots about bullies.

I seen a video of a little kid that tried to commit suicide just recently in America and he has the most loving and supportive parents. Other kids were calling him gay coz he liked a pony show and now he may have brain damage. So yeah bullying can have rlly severe consequences whether u have good parents or not, social experiences rlly shape u and influence u throughout ur whole life


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2014)

It's just learned helplessness man.


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2014)

No one has the right to tell you who you are.

No one is better than you.

Bullies are often suffering more than you.

That said, stand up for who you are and defend, you, fiercely.


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