# DP Recovery After 18 Years



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Hi all,

First of all I'd like to start by saying don't be alarmed at the thread title, I'd have recovered a long time ago if I had the internet from day one.

My episode began after a New Year's party in 1996, I was 17 and was given a gram of speed by a friend. Everything was great until I went home late at night and lay in bed alone. I remember just laying awake and feeling terribly restless. I'd done speed before and felt fine, but this time I felt more agitated, I was living in Social Services supported lodgings and was soon to be moved into a flat of my own, I'd lived in care for a couple of years prior to that due to family problems.

I was laying there feeling really nasty, and I remember the last thought I processed before what I now know as DP set in was "What if this never goes away and I get stuck like this?" With that, I literally heard a whooshing sound like blood rushing to my head, and then thought "Oh shit, this is it, I was right, I am stuck like this, the speed has damaged my brain". I panicked and started pacing the room, everything seemed to be moving really fast. I had never panicked before and did not even know what a panic attack or anxiety was, although in hindsight it is clear that at times I'd suffered from various social phobias etc and was a classic candidate for DP.

I did not sleep and spent the night pacing around and repeatedly running downstairs for a glass of water, just for something to do. I prayed it would be gone by the morning and that I was wrong about being stuck like it, but come morning it became apparent this was not the case. Everything felt strange, things looked kind of grainy and dead, I had no emotion at all except anxiety, I was staring at things in utter confusion and fear and convinced the lack of emotion I was feeling was brain damage from the speed. Despite all this I could not tell anyone about it, mainly through embarrassment. I didn't like to talk about emotions at the best of times, let alone telling someone all this crazy stuff.

Three months later I turned 18 and finally moved into my first flat, at this point I'd resigned myself to the DP and just tried to act like it wasn't there, although every now and again it'd get too much and burst into tears alone in my flat, I knew things weren't right but what do you do? Your default action is to carry on, you can't just stop the ride and get off. To this day I curse my luck that I started living alone just months after this wretched condition kicked in, because it set the scene for many many years of isolation and fear. Coming from care to your first flat is a daunting prospect at the best of times but this place was on the outskirts of town, I didn't drive either.

I eventually plucked up the courage to go to the doctor, who had no idea what I was talking about and gave me anti depressants which did nothing, and sent me to a therapist who was very nice but had no real clue what I was suffering with, so I just gave up with all that.

I coped through all this time by a seemingly endless cycle of convincing myself it had gone away, realising it hadn't then bursting into tears. I was still not talking to my mum until several years later, and eventually tried telling her how I felt. She never knew what it was either so just offered sympathy, then assumed it had gone away as soon as I stopped crying. I bet she wouldn't even remember me mentioning it now, yet it continued to blight my life and was present every time I have spoken to her since.

A couple of years into my time at my new place, I went to stay with a good childhood friend and experienced my first window of normality. I remember feeling so comfortable at his place, he was making us food and tea and putting films on to watch, we got talking and I brought up the subject of how I'd been feeling , although again he had no clue what I was talking about and just looked at me funny. I remember going to the toilet at his place and looking at the sink and seeing it in 3D, it felt real, I picked up a bar of soap and it smelled real, that's it I though, I'm cured! The 'cure' lasted all of two minutes, because I immediately started cross examining my feelings and it just came back quite automatically.

Despite my disappointment at the DP returning, I was now armed with hope, if it can go away for two minutes it can surely go away for good eventually. This was surely a known condition, it must have happened to someone else before?!

I then paid many visits to the local library, endlessly searching for clues as to what it was. I eventually found a book on homeopathy with a mention of my exact symptoms, followed by the 'cure'. I immediately went and bought some of the homeopathic pills it recommended, needless to say they did nothing.

To cut an incredibly long story short, I have since been through every twist and turn imaginable, every thought process humanly possible and more, spent virtually every night of the last 18 years in torment. I feel as if I am getting old, yet the last time I experienced 'life' I was a kid! Most of my childhood years were also blighted with family problems, so have essentially lost a huge portion of my life, my youth and prime years.

Only in recent months did I decide to 'reopen' my quest to feel normal again, as I had almost completely resigned myself to DP and treated it as a new reality which I just had to get used to. As recently as last year I just woke up one day and thought "hang on, you have been lying to yourself, this needs sorting out before you get old and realise you have wasted your entire life".

All I can say is thank God for the internet, I found watching people bravely talking about their problems on Youtube incredibly relieving, hearing them describe exactly what I have been going through really put my mind at rest and done more for my recovery than any medical text could do.

Let me start my account of my recovery by stating that I recently purchased a multigym and punchbag, and have been on a real health kick, eating well, taking vitamins, keeping away from drink and drugs, getting proper sleep etc. This may be what kick started my recovery and gave me the clarity of mind to resume my search for a cure.

I watched the Harris Harrington videos and done a few of his exercises such as the 'As If' letters etc. Everything he said rang true as I now realise my problems stemmed from rejection by my mother ie: being put into care. Some people say the way to deal with it is to not think about it, this is partly true, but you need to at least address the cause. If there is any underlying cause, you must identify it and try to lay it to rest.

I have a good relationship with my mother now, and have forgiven her not just in words but in my heart. I now know that she was struggling to cope when I was a kid and did not know what to do. She is now the mother I always wanted and more, some people don't even have one, I am thankful to have her and intend to make up for our lost years by spending more time with her. She also recognises her mistake and is sorry. This could also be a factor in my recovery.

For me recovery began by making your whole lifestyle revolve around feeling good. Early nights, early mornings, healthy breakfast, get into a proper fitness plan, there are loads on the internet. Join a gym or buy some equipment and make a weekly exercise timetable, take vitamins, especially good quality B complex, these helped immensely. Eat good food, nothing processed, drink water. You will start to feel better in yourself, the DP may well still be there but gradually you begin to feel good, every time you feel a bit better in yourself you are getting stronger and the DP is getting weaker. Keep chipping away, everything you do should be geared towards health and wellness, healthy body healthy mind. Make friends, do good deeds, get interested in health and fitness. Every day you get stronger and feel better you are one step nearer to recovery.

I am lying here typing this at 5am, I am awake because I have just had the deepest sleep ever and I am now looking around my bedroom seeing it for the first time in 3D, everything looks so real and vivid, I have emotions again, I cannot believe this all came back to me in a flash. The build up to recovery is gradual but when it happens it just happens. Like pulling something heavy up a steep hill, then just dropping it over the edge of a cliff.

Just before I fell asleep I heard the same whooshing sound I heard when my onset began way back in 1996. It was as if the DP strings had been cut, immediately everything relaxed, my breathing became so deep, every muscle relaxed, my stomach became still, the tightness in my head disappeared and my thoughts became fluid and non-intrusive again. As I type this my mind feels like a tranquil flowing stream, I slept so deeply that I woke up hours before my alarm clock went off.

I felt I should share this with fellow sufferers so that you might find something useful in it. Please know that you can and will get over DP, it is such a wretched condition because it takes away everything, the symptoms are the cause and it is self perpetuating, it seems like an emotional Rubik's Cube. Stop playing with that Rubik's Cube and just get on with life, gear everything towards feeling good, throw everything at it, address anything underlying, keep exercising and eating/sleeping well until you are glowing with energy, get hobbies, develop genuine interests, be brave and put your condition to the back of your mind and enjoy life safe in the knowledge that by doing so you are not ignoring your condition but treating it. It will quite simply lose its grip and disappear.

I was a classic candidate for DP, believe me if I can beat it, anyone can. I have all the susceptibility traits and more. I have been through hell with it, had every symptom x1000 but here I am after 18 years, still only 35 and ready to enjoy the rest of my life.

If there is anything I can do to help any of you or any questions you have regarding my experience please ask. I would say 'good luck', but luck is not what you need, you need good sleep, diet and lifestyle, recovery can be slow but keep to the program and hang in there, it will come!


----------



## Gfeathers (Nov 17, 2013)

Hi and thankyou so much for sharing your story. I'm very, very pleased for you that all your hard work and efforts are paying off for you. God almighty or whatever. Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Big exhale. I could relate to your story a terrible amount. Such an awful, painful condition. I feel quite upset about it actually and don't know i can 'face' replying properly now. An important point in itself quite possibly. Maybe id benefit from councelling about the period when this started for me. It was such a 'mental' (psychosed), frghtening and completely overwheming time for me that i still find it hard to 'go there' and of course its not exactly chit chat anyway. Jesus. It was speed and lsd (& hash) that started mine and certain conditions/people i was around, the things thatr happened immediately prior to it and like yourself alot of difficult/impossible shit before that, making me, (of course unaware and too young to know about such things at he time), an ideal candidate or sitting bloody duck for this shit. Its so unfair, just want to cry for myself right now. I've had many years of it too, it also started when i was very young, a teenager and my whole adult life thus far has been affected considerably because of it. Terrible. I was never used to talking about my feelings either, so when this origionally happened for me, i didn't know how to communicate it to anyone to help me/didn't trust them?/couldn't relax enough. Awful.

I located some medication recently, through my own efforts and research, etc, that has actually been helping me and making me feel hopeful. However, something quite small 'threw' me about a week ago and i disconected from myself and everything agin, leaving me once agin in a bit of a bubble and like i litterally want to walk around in circles, like i am lost and don't know what to do. It will pass, i know and is already abit better and reading your post has helped also.

I might stop this now and return later. I will look at the Harris guys youtube/wotever thing and thankyou too for all your information and tips. Very best wishes.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Huggy Bear said:


> "She also recognises her mistake and is sorry."
> 
> I guess this is the number one reason that you recovered - you didn't have to fight being understood and your pain being recognized anymore.
> 
> Unfortunately, most parents never call themselves into question and acknowledge what they have done...


No doubt it is a factor, but I have suffered with DP for many years even after our reconciliation.

DP is self perpetuating, it can remain even after the initial cause is resolved. Also some people don't even appear to have experienced family trauma suffer with it.

This recent recovery was down to exercise, good food, sleep and positive thinking. It was a conscious effort on my part after years of living a lie that it was gone. If I didn't wake up one day and face it head on with positive attitude and lifestyle changes, I would still have it, make no mistake.I have physically felt my mood elevate with exercise, good food and proper sleep. Over time, the feelgood moments mount up and blend into one, that is what happened to me, then I literally felt it disappear.

The symptoms are physiological so it stands to reason that overall good health will help immensely. Every case is slightly different, but this is what worked for me, and I can absolutely guarantee if it doesn't cure DP it will make you much stronger in your fight against it.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Selig said:


> I grew up in Social Services too! Harrington's program is great.
> 
> Thanks so much for the story, hopefully you come around to answer a few questions with your experience


Any time, it's the least I can do.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Gfeathers said:


> Hi and thankyou so much for sharing your story. I'm very, very pleased for you that all your hard work and efforts are paying off for you. God almighty or whatever. Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Big exhale. I could relate to your story a terrible amount. Such an awful, painful condition. I feel quite upset about it actually and don't know i can 'face' replying properly now. An important point in itself quite possibly. Maybe id benefit from councelling about the period when this started for me. It was such a 'mental' (psychosed), frghtening and completely overwheming time for me that i still find it hard to 'go there' and of course its not exactly chit chat anyway. Jesus. It was speed and lsd (& hash) that started mine and certain conditions/people i was around, the things thatr happened immediately prior to it and like yourself alot of difficult/impossible shit before that, making me, (of course unaware and too young to know about such things at he time), an ideal candidate or sitting bloody duck for this shit. Its so unfair, just want to cry for myself right now. I've had many years of it too, it also started when i was very young, a teenager and my whole adult life thus far has been affected considerably because of it. Terrible. I was never used to talking about my feelings either, so when this origionally happened for me, i didn't know how to communicate it to anyone to help me/didn't trust them?/couldn't relax enough. Awful.
> 
> I located some medication recently, through my own efforts and research, etc, that has actually been helping me and making me feel hopeful. However, something quite small 'threw' me about a week ago and i disconected from myself and everything agin, leaving me once agin in a bit of a bubble and like i litterally want to walk around in circles, like i am lost and don't know what to do. It will pass, i know and is already abit better and reading your post has helped also.
> 
> I might stop this now and return later. I will look at the Harris guys youtube/wotever thing and thankyou too for all your information and tips. Very best wishes.


This is how it traps you, it naturally makes you fearful of it, and therefore self perpetuates.

The harder you try to beat it the worse it gets, so don't force the issue. Feel the fear, force a smile then go for a run or a workout, come in and eat something you know is gonna do you the world of good. Notice how your endorphins made you feel a tiny bit better for that small moment. Take a shower, read something you can get engrossed in, reach out to help people even when you are the one who needs help more, when there are no good feelings, create some.

Don't mope, even though you have every right and deserve to. As your athletic performance increases you start to enjoy what you are doing, you get little tastes of happiness, you become focused and busy while at the same time delivering feel good chemicals to your brain. You start to get that glow back, confidence starts to creep back, you will still feel bad some days but you are having little victories and developing a sense of control over DP and starting to feel that it can be beaten. These victories eventually become so frequent that you become no longer scared, and the scales start tipping in your favour.

You eventually realise that that heavy rock you've been trying desperately to push out the way can simply be stepped over, the fear loses its grip and then bang, the symptoms stop dead as quickly as they started.

Initially you might get days where the symptoms return a bit through force of habit, but you will no longer fear them. You will soon get bored of them and see them as no longer worth your time, giving them no option but to disappear completely.

The buzz you get from one day or even moment of re-realisation will give you an incredible boost and your strength will snowball. You just need to give yourself a chance to break out.

I'd recommend a goal-based timetabled workout. Set maybe three months with the aim of getting into peak fitness, losing your belly or whatever. Make it structured, do not miss a session. Early night, early morning, healthy food...keep positive, and when you don't feel positive, pretend to be! Do not dwell on your feelings or mope, you are just tormenting yourself more. It's not fair, but that is irrelevant right now. Just concentrate on getting better!


----------



## Letgoandletgod (Nov 17, 2012)

Hey friend I really resonated with your recovery story. Thank you so much for comming back to the forum and sharing with us.

I have a few questions...

You mentioned that you were in a state of accepting that this was your fate, etc... etc... but then you said I need to do something... What do you do differently? engage? workout? I guess Im a bit confused because most of the recovery stories mention that accepting it was the first step.

Did you work during your time of DP? What was this spartan workout routine? LOL! I want to do it!

All the best!


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

This really helped me man. Congrats on the recovery! This really inspired me and I hope the best for you.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Letgoandletgod said:


> Hey friend I really resonated with your recovery story. Thank you so much for comming back to the forum and sharing with us.
> 
> I have a few questions...
> 
> ...


Hi there, thanks for the comments.

Acceptance may well have been the first step, but I had been in a state of acceptance for many years and recovery never came because I didn't know what to do next, it wasn't until I actively improved my overall mind and body health that recovery began.

I began by going to bed about 10pm, up at 5-6am for a half hour walk with the dog. You don't need a dog, you can go alone! Pick somewhere as interesting as possible, such as a beautiful park or forest. Breathe the fresh air deep into your lungs, get yourself feeling awake, fresh and positive.

Back home for breakfast, which would be porridge oats and dried fruit, no processed sugar or full fat milk. Then a pint of purified water with a high quality vitamin B complex tablet. Read the paper while I digest breakfast, then after an hour or so I'd start my workout. I purchased a multigym and used this great free workout with printable timetables. http://www.fitness1ststeps.com/thefullmulti.html I'd either run or use a punchbag for ten mins as a warm up/cardio before the workout.

Then I'd run a nice hot bath with Epsom salts, soak for about half hour, get dressed and go out to work. I am self employed and found work a great distraction, I'd go into work mode and almost forget the DP while I was talking to customers or concentrating on what I was doing. Being productive and making friends/acquaintances at work adds to the nice feelings you are trying to accumulate.

When I got home I'd cook dinner, always boiled, grilled or raw. Chicken, fish, lots of herbs and spices, and maybe a homemade smoothie for pudding.

Evening would consist of stuff like food shopping, going to see friends or family, do whatever you want but try to be as sociable as possible while being sure to avoid drink or drugs, these are negative stimulants and cloud your mind making recovery extremely difficult.

You will feel much better straight away, but full recovery will just happen when it is ready. Don't try to force it or keep 'checking in' to see if the DP has gone. It will just go when you least expect it. I agree with acceptance being a factor, because you will never beat it by fighting it, try not to respond to it and just blank your mind when questions or these silly thoughts pop in.

The more energy you use up in your workout, the less you have to spend worrying or thinking. This positive use of energy combined with the endorphins which you are constantly generating forms the basis of your recovery. Diet is a huge factor too, I cannot stress that enough! If you struggle with any of this to begin with, soldier on, it will gain momentum and you will end up enjoying it. You will look better, feel better, and grow so strong that DP will be no match for the new you.

The timetable is good because it prevents you from drifting, give it a solid three months and follow it to the letter. On your off days go for a run or do some other cardio. Also try not to treat this as a chore, approach it with enthusiasm and excitement. It takes as long as it takes but I reckon you will either beat it or make significant improvement within three months. After three months I was feeling pretty good even with the DP, it was then that it disappeared in a puff of smoke. I felt so good that I was pretty happy even WITH it. This is when it lost its grip.

This is what I recommend you aim for, it's not a case of 'if' you recover but 'when'.


----------



## Guest (Jan 9, 2014)

Thanks for posting your recovery!!! You're a soldier!


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

seafoam mellow said:


> Thanks for posting your recovery!!! You're a soldier!


Funny you should say that, I often think how DP makes us all unwilling soldiers. I was the most avoidant, anti confrontational person you could meet, but this experience has pulled me out of that mindset and actually made me a better person.

I tried for years to bury my head in the sand but it has forced me to rebuild myself into a strong and outgoing person who faces things head on. This is how I know that if I can do it, anyone can!


----------



## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

How inspiring. I hope that this give tons of hope for long time sufferers as well as those who are new to the problem. Thank you so much for sharing that! Enjoy your freedom!!!


----------



## kelly326 (Dec 10, 2013)

So, all the ruminating thoughts that accompany DP just went away?!? You never thought of them again??


----------



## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

deinonychus said:


> I coped through all this time by a seemingly endless cycle of convincing myself it had gone away, realising it hadn't then bursting into tears. I was still not talking to my mum until several years later, and eventually tried telling her how I felt. She never knew what it was either so just offered sympathy, then assumed it had gone away as soon as I stopped crying. I bet she wouldn't even remember me mentioning it now, yet it continued to blight my life and was present every time I have spoken to her since.
> 
> A couple of years into my time at my new place, I went to stay with a good childhood friend and experienced my first window of normality. I remember feeling so comfortable at his place, he was making us food and tea and putting films on to watch, we got talking and I brought up the subject of how I'd been feeling , although again he had no clue what I was talking about and just looked at me funny. I remember going to the toilet at his place and looking at the sink and seeing it in 3D, it felt real, I picked up a bar of soap and it smelled real, that's it I though, I'm cured! The 'cure' lasted all of two minutes, because I immediately started cross examining my feelings and it just came back quite automatically.
> 
> Despite my disappointment at the DP returning, I was now armed with hope, if it can go away for two minutes it can surely go away for good eventually. This was surely a known condition, it must have happened to someone else before?!


I am stuck here. I am able to feel like myself for minutes or seconds in a day. At first I did like you did, cross examining my feelings, and it came back. Now I'm chasing that normal feeling, like I try so hard to feel normal, like I'm pushing a ship in my head. The process is like - stop, try to feel yourself, hold hold hold, resist DP ignore, do it again- lol. I'm honestly been doing this for the last couple of months, trying to get myself back by fighting DP and resisting it and trying to hold on to the normal moments, I spent my days like this, it's so exhausting but I found it the most effective way not to let DP totally control me and feel like myself for some brief moments, especially when I need to (like when I need my old logic or defensive character).

You said that fighting DP would not solve it, was this what you meant? Is what I'm doing totally incorrect? What would you advise me to say if you relate to it...

And one more important question, did you feel at anytime that you just became another person? Like it's no longer DP, because it's filled with a new weak undeveloped personality, that forgot how you were, and was like re-born. I feel that sometimes and it scares me, like I need to accept that I became this person and lost my real person...

Thanks a lot.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

kelly326 said:


> So, all the ruminating thoughts that accompany DP just went away?!? You never thought of them again??


No but they just don't bother me anymore. The worst I have to worry about is going back to something I know I can beat so I don't fear the thoughts. As others have mentioned, you develop strategies for dealing with these thoughts as you go along, these become much more useful post-recovery as prevention is better than cure and you are much more able to deal with them effectively by deflecting them with the skills you have acquired along the way. I would imagine that in time they will just stop trying, but time will tell.

The main thing is the painful symptoms are gone, the tight feeling in my head, the shallow breathing and sense of unreality, these are the things that made me truly miserable. Things look sharp and clear, my concentration is back and I generally feel human again. The first thing I though was "But how am I going to live in this life, what if I have forgotten how to?", but you simply don't need to worry about that, it will all come back and is probably just a residual DP thought process. I managed to work out how to live my life with DP throughout many terrifying and painful years, so I'm sure settling back in to a nice DP free life will be nothing to worry about. The important thing to remember is that no matter how much you have suffered and how distanced from your old self you feel, you are still you. You are not being reborn, you are simply shedding a set of intensely unpleasant symptoms.

I used to have this bizarre fantasy of beating DP, whereby I'd be sucked up into the sky and beamed back down to 1996 like a Terminator, and carry on where I left off. It simply isn't like that, you are living in reality now, you just don't know it. You don't want to think this is true because the world seems such a vile, disgusting place to you right now, but remember this your perception due to symptoms you are experiencing. When they go, you just carry on as you did with DP but feeling so much better. You have been living the same reality since this illness began, but you have just been wearing some very depressing goggles!


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

JJ123D said:


> I am stuck here. I am able to feel like myself for minutes or seconds in a day. At first I did like you did, cross examining my feelings, and it came back. Now I'm chasing that normal feeling, like I try so hard to feel normal, like I'm pushing a ship in my head. The process is like - stop, try to feel yourself, hold hold hold, resist DP ignore, do it again- lol. I'm honestly been doing this for the last couple of months, trying to get myself back by fighting DP and resisting it and trying to hold on to the normal moments, I spent my days like this, it's so exhausting but I found it the most effective way not to let DP totally control me and feel like myself for some brief moments, especially when I need to (like when I need my old logic or defensive character).
> 
> You said that fighting DP would not solve it, was this what you meant? Is what I'm doing totally incorrect? What would you advise me to say if you relate to it...
> 
> ...


I do believe you are approaching it wrongly, as I did for many many years! You don't need to fight it, that will never work. You need to accept it and almost embrace it, feel the symptoms but be brave and learn to not let them bother you too much by using distractive techniques. In the meantime go through the motions of life positively knowing at the back of your mind that you are heading for recovery. This is not necessarily easy but it is what I discovered and eventually mastered. You are fighting it as best you can but using the wrong weapons. Focusing your energies correctly is key.

Please try to embrace a similarly healthy lifestyle to the one I described previously. To me, this is effectively the cure for DP. Don't be disheartened along the way if it doesn't work straight away, success is accumulative. You wanna aim to feel so good that you almost feel pretty good even living in DP land, the better you feel, the less you fear it because the symptoms are the cause!

I saw my mind as a rusty old clock that needed lubrication. It had ceased up and by going through the motions of a positive life I was forcibly winding the cogs along, shedding the rust and lubricating the cogs by bombarding my mind with good feelings by way of positive actions, good food and all the other things I mentioned previously.

Don't get disheartened, you WILL be cured, you are just biding your time, and once you get into the swing of this new lifestyle you will enjoy it anyway and become so wrapped up in it you will forget you are trying to cure anything, you will simply become preoccupied with keeping the lifestyle up, and loving it. All of a sudden when you least expect it, you will feel the symptoms stop. The clock has gained momentum and is now running properly and automatically!

(Sorry for the crap analogy but it's the best I could think of)


----------



## sohailh05 (Jan 7, 2014)

hey thanks for the post, I was a bit frightened that it said 18 years.

Im 16yrs old and studying in college (high school). I've had DP since the start of this week and I really need help!!


----------



## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

deinonychus said:


> Please try to embrace a similarly healthy lifestyle to the one I described previously. To me, this is effectively the cure for DP. Don't be disheartened along the way if it doesn't work straight away, success is accumulative. You wanna aim to feel so good that you almost feel pretty good even living in DP land, the better you feel, the less you fear it because the symptoms are the cause!


The thing is that depersonalization was at first a goal for me. I was trying to get rid of the self thinking it was a better way of living, I thought I was getting to something awesome. So when I succeeded in getting rid of my personality through philosophical brainwashing and meditating a lot, I felt blissful; I was really happy and thought I reached what I wanted and decided not to get back to my career and write a book or whatever. I stayed happy and care free in my 6 months vacation! But when I got back to work and real life, I realized what I have done to myself.

So what I'm trying to say is that I was living happily with my DP, as you advised as a first step, but it didn't make it go away, instead it made me want to stay in it more, not feeling social anxiety at all and feeling happy and care free almost all the time. I'm afraid that if I learn to live happily again with it, I would just stay in it and accept it. But maybe feeling happy with DP and at the same time working and trying to have the lifestyle I want would be different (I quit my job months ago I couldn't handle my brain feeling very slow and undeveloped in a stressful environment).

I think I'm going to start meds soon, a combination that worked for a friend in DP I know.. I hope it helps, but I'm still fearing that it transformed from DP to developing a whole new character; man even my body language totally changed and almost my entire tastes and opinions.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

.


----------



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

deinonychus said:


> No but they just don't bother me anymore. The worst I have to worry about is going back to something I know I can beat so I don't fear the thoughts. As others have mentioned, you develop strategies for dealing with these thoughts as you go along, these become much more useful post-recovery as prevention is better than cure and you are much more able to deal with them effectively by deflecting them with the skills you have acquired along the way. I would imagine that in time they will just stop trying, but time will tell.
> 
> The main thing is the painful symptoms are gone, the tight feeling in my head, the shallow breathing and sense of unreality, these are the things that made me truly miserable. Things look sharp and clear, my concentration is back and I generally feel human again. The first thing I though was "But how am I going to live in this life, what if I have forgotten how to?", but you simply don't need to worry about that, it will all come back and is probably just a residual DP thought process. I managed to work out how to live my life with DP throughout many terrifying and painful years, so I'm sure settling back in to a nice DP free life will be nothing to worry about. The important thing to remember is that no matter how much you have suffered and how distanced from your old self you feel, you are still you. You are not being reborn, you are simply shedding a set of intensely unpleasant symptoms.
> 
> I used to have this bizarre fantasy of beating DP, whereby I'd be sucked up into the sky and beamed back down to 1996 like a Terminator, and carry on where I left off. It simply isn't like that, you are living in reality now, you just don't know it. You don't want to think this is true because the world seems such a vile, disgusting place to you right now, but remember this your perception due to symptoms you are experiencing. When they go, you just carry on as you did with DP but feeling so much better. You have been living the same reality since this illness began, but you have just been wearing some very depressing goggles!


This scares me. These thoughts of existance and conciousness scare me. I thought they away with recovery.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

Sike25 said:


> This scares me. These thoughts of existance and conciousness scare me. I thought they away with recovery.


The thoughts you are having are integral to the DP, they are part of the painful cycle.When recovered from DP you may still get these thoughts but in a much milder and more normal way. They don't scare you and they don't cause stressful symptoms, they are few and far between anyway. They are just force of habit, don't forget I have been thinking them on a daily basis for 18 years, you might not even experience any at all once your symptoms are gone.

Don't be scared of them, it is precisely this which perpetuates the problem!


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

JJ123D said:


> The thing is that depersonalization was at first a goal for me. I was trying to get rid of the self thinking it was a better way of living, I thought I was getting to something awesome. So when I succeeded in getting rid of my personality through philosophical brainwashing and meditating a lot, I felt blissful; I was really happy and thought I reached what I wanted and decided not to get back to my career and write a book or whatever. I stayed happy and care free in my 6 months vacation! But when I got back to work and real life, I realized what I have done to myself.
> 
> So what I'm trying to say is that I was living happily with my DP, as you advised as a first step, but it didn't make it go away, instead it made me want to stay in it more, not feeling social anxiety at all and feeling happy and care free almost all the time. I'm afraid that if I learn to live happily again with it, I would just stay in it and accept it. But maybe feeling happy with DP and at the same time working and trying to have the lifestyle I want would be different (I quit my job months ago I couldn't handle my brain feeling very slow and undeveloped in a stressful environment).
> 
> I think I'm going to start meds soon, a combination that worked for a friend in DP I know.. I hope it helps, but I'm still fearing that it transformed from DP to developing a whole new character; man even my body language totally changed and almost my entire tastes and opinions.


I know what you mean, I lived with it for years thinking that just accepting it is best, and life was OK at times, but in a kind of watered down way. It was only recently that I decided I'd try to beat it completely once and for all, due to inspiration from ex sufferers which I discovered on Youtube.

There is 'acceptance' in a way whereby you completely resign yourself to it and just try to live within it as best you can, and there is 'acceptance' with a view to recovery, whereby you are feeling the symptoms but ignoring them while actively doing everything in your power to make yourself stronger. Somewhere during this strengthening process you will eventually beat it.

I look at it like this - despite having a good idea why the condition began, few of us understand the mind or body well enough to fix it with specifics, which is why the blanket approach is best. If you strengthen and invigorate every area of your body and mind, somewhere along the way you will hit the spot. Everything is linked and working in tandem anyway so it's a win/win. Even things like a new haircut, jacket or pair of trainers helped. If you look good, you feel good.

You should not look for a specific fix, look for overall improvement of mind and body. Don't worry about specifics, the constant worrying and questioning is part of the illness, it is all just gibberish and will either vanish or lose significance when you recover. Use this little exercise for proof - Ask yourself what the 'old you' would make of all these bizarre questions you are tormenting yourself with. I'd bet the old you would most likely just laugh at them or pay them all of a second's attention.


----------



## JJ123D (Dec 6, 2013)

deinonychus said:


> You should not look for a specific fix, look for overall improvement of mind and body. Don't worry about specifics, the constant worrying and questioning is part of the illness, it is all just gibberish and will either vanish or lose significance when you recover. Use this little exercise for proof - Ask yourself what the 'old you' would make of all these bizarre questions you are tormenting yourself with. I'd bet the old you would most likely just laugh at them or pay them all of a second's attention.





deinonychus said:


> I know what you mean, I lived with it for years thinking that just accepting it is best, and life was OK at times, but in a kind of watered down way. It was only recently that I decided I'd try to beat it completely once and for all, due to inspiration from ex sufferers which I discovered on Youtube.
> 
> There is 'acceptance' in a way whereby you completely resign yourself to it and just try to live within it as best you can, and there is 'acceptance' with a view to recovery, whereby you are feeling the symptoms but ignoring them while actively doing everything in your power to make yourself stronger. Somewhere during this strengthening process you will eventually beat it.
> 
> ...


Thanks. My old self would react more in some occasions, and react less in others.

Do you have any opinion on meds, through your experiences or knowledge?

The thing is I feel really okay and free, more free than before from social approval, like I don't give a fuck (this is why it was a goal), but at the same time I'm really surprised why I lost my thinking power and old knowledge and memories, this wasn't in the plan. Like as hard as I try to resist the philosophies I learned to heal, I still believe that most of what I learned was true, about people wanting approval and external social validation; I was so much embraced in the social ladder, that once I got out of it, it's so hard for me to get back to who I was because a new part of me judges it as weak. But as I said, I still don't understand why my brain power and memories are gone; maybe it was because, in order to get rid of my need for social validation, I had to get rid of my socially validated self, and dis-identify from who I was ie from the memories, to loose my old perception of the world, which is I guess my personality, and from there came the mental problems.


----------



## deinonychus (Jan 7, 2014)

JJ123D said:


> Thanks. My old self would react more in some occasions, and react less in others.
> 
> Do you have any opinion on meds, through your experiences or knowledge?
> 
> The thing is I feel really okay and free, more free than before from social approval, like I don't give a fuck (this is why it was a goal), but at the same time I'm really surprised why I lost my thinking power and old knowledge and memories, this wasn't in the plan. Like as hard as I try to resist the philosophies I learned to heal, I still believe that most of what I learned was true, about people wanting approval and external social validation; I was so much embraced in the social ladder, that once I got out of it, it's so hard for me to get back to who I was because a new part of me judges it as weak. But as I said, I still don't understand why my brain power and memories are gone; maybe it was because, in order to get rid of my need for social validation, I had to get rid of my socially validated self, and dis-identify from who I was ie from the memories, to loose my old perception of the world, which is I guess my personality, and from there came the mental problems.


My case was slightly different from yours, but I guess the resulting condition is the same. I would guess that what you have done is disassociated because of not liking who you were, which I suppose is kind of what I did subconsciously and probably true of many of us.

I'm no psychiatrist and can only speak from experience but it sounds as if you need to follow the same treatment as me and other successful recoverers and aim to be a stronger version of your old self instead of trying to become reborn as a different person. I would endeavour to start this now, realise you are still the old you but just disassociated, you will never be anyone else but you can improve yourself to the point you feel happy in your own skin, and I guess then it will subside like it has for so many of us!

EDIT: Sorry I forgot to answer the meds question - I never had any success from medication, I felt like it was pushing me further into confusion when what I really wanted was to feel pure and normal. The only success I got from any pills was vitamin B complex, good strong ones are expensive but worth it. I don't know enough about all the various medications to recommend either way but some people say certain things have helped and may or may not help you too. Personally I am not a believer in medication to treat DP.


----------

