# My little bit of desperation



## Guest (May 25, 2010)

I know I said I was leaving but Im having nothing short of a personal crisis right now and I need to vent.

I cant take my situation anymore. Im living with my husband because my dp is making it impossible to work and I cant rent or pay bills. I also cant stand living with my husband. It is so bad that its making me irrational. Right now Im considering suicide and convenience marriages. I need an out and there isnt one. I am freaking out.


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

Honestly you've gone through so much, seriously, I have so much admiration for you.

I say to hell with your husband, if he is unable to pay spousal support then you are sure as hell going to STAY where you are WITH your kids because that is what you are ENTITLED for! He simply cannot have it easy and shy away from responsibility. Even if you are repulsed by him, do NOT make him hurt you any more or make you feel like crap. You are WORTH the world and no man can ever take that away from you. Put your feet down and demand to be treated with respect.You are a mother and an individual, and need to be present to take care of yourself and those around you.

Were here to support you ALWAYS, just remember that. You are a FIGHTER and I wish you the best. God never gives you what he knows you cannot handle. We trust you and have faith in you.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

Be strong through these times. There is always a sunny day around the corner. And when it rains it pours. Just think how could things be worse? And if this is all that pain and suffering has to offer you, and you can endure, you will be made stronger through all of this.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

S O L A R I S said:


> Honestly you've gone through so much, seriously, I have so much admiration for you.
> 
> I say to hell with your husband, if he is unable to pay spousal support then you are sure as hell going to STAY where you are WITH your kids because that is what you are ENTITLED for! He simply cannot have it easy and shy away from responsibility. Even if you are repulsed by him, do NOT make him hurt you any more or make you feel like crap. You are WORTH the world and no man can ever take that away from you. Put your feet down and demand to be treated with respect.You are a mother and an individual, and need to be present to take care of yourself and those around you.
> 
> Were here to support you ALWAYS, just remember that. You are a FIGHTER and I wish you the best. God never gives you what he knows you cannot handle. We trust you and have faith in you.


Thank you for your words. Unfortunately, the bible actually doesn't say anywhere that God will not give you more than you can handle. There is a verse that says that God will not tempt you beyond what you can be tempted but that verse was in reference to a specific set of circumstances surrounding the poeple in that book of the bible. God never promises that he won't give us more than we can handle and, honestly, I am beginning to wonder if this is God's plan for the end of my life. Because I cannot deal with this. Not without reverting into the state I was in where I completely gave up and couldn't get out of bed and refused to deal with life and you know what happened then? I was hospitalized twice for suicidal tendencies and had to run away because it was either keep living with my husband and kill myself or leave. Unfortunately for me, I am not stuck. Nowhere to run to anymore.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> honestly, I am beginning to wonder if this is God's plan for the end of my life.


God would never plan to end somebodies life.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> God would never plan to end somebodies life.


Let alone want somebody to commit suicide.


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

You will persevere and make it through this bump in the road. Its just a bump, and soon it shall be over passed. Below is a quote which really inspires me every time and holds much truth. We need to trust and have faith in ourselves. As horrible are the things that others do to us, we are the only ones who can ultimately save ourselves. 
*
"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
- Mother Teresa*


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## sarah (Jul 8, 2008)

tinyfairypeople said:


> I know I said I was leaving but Im having nothing short of a personal crisis right now and I need to vent.
> 
> I cant take my situation anymore. Im living with my husband because my dp is making it impossible to work and I cant rent or pay bills. I also cant stand living with my husband. It is so bad that its making me irrational. Right now Im considering suicide and convenience marriages. I need an out and there isnt one. I am freaking out.


I've just read a post of yours which has inspired many. Watch the small changes you see in your DP. I know it is suffocating you but rest in the moments seconds when it is changing a little. It is actually only when you remain in the situation that you will see it change. Do you have anyone there that you are safe with? Please make contact if you need to know that this will change. I have recovered from this hollow empty place of quietness. Try and describe the feelings in your body what they look like, you're creative, Their colour their shape. Make it a body thing. You are not this eperience. You are the person that you describe in your blog. She hasn't gone anywhere. Please trust me on this. This is not a permanent change. Write down one thing that you used to do and lose track of time and love. Accept that you don't feel that way towards it now. I bet it still gets you're imagination ticking over. Even a little.What can you plan. How about some creative activities for children to do using digitalphotography. If you google that I'll bet you'll find some amazing things. Do your children like photography too?

What steps will it take for you to achieve your goal. When will you do these.. and when will you show me what you have done? You've said that you avoid feelings. Try and read the Happiness Trap. An ACT therapy books which teaches you how to face discomfort.

There is an example they use which is of a party trick which you put your fingers into. It is made of bamboo. I've tried it. You put a fingein each end. Whe you try ad pull to get out of the situation the trap gets tighter. If you let it be there and evenpus yourself into it. It s still there and then there is some room to move... and wiggle. If all you can do is sit in the eye of the storm . That quiet observer you. The you that is there when you write.The you that is aware of the lack of sense of self. The 'you' you think you have lost. Can you find respite in a short hospital stay? Someof my great times of healing were in hospital. Please let me know how you are. I am praying that you will have some relief tonight to at least have the perspective you did in your previous posts. Remember it is worse in times of stress or tiredness.

Take Care

sarah x


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> Let alone want somebody to commit suicide.


I don't know if that is true. The bible says that each day of your life was written is his book before one of them came to pass. That includes every person on the planet, not just Christians. Lots of people commit suicide. God knows the day they will die and how they will die before they even are born. He is all knowing but because he loves us, he gives us free will, even to commit suicide. He doesn't want us to be controlled, to be robots. That isn't love, that is control. God doesn't want to control us so he gives us our own minds and opinions and emotions and lets us choose what to do with those.

So my point is, God knows people are going to commit suicide and he does nothing to stop it. Sure he doesn't WANT you to do it but people still do it. So maybe this is just how my life is going to play out. Only God really knows. I just know that all of this IS more than I can take.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

sarah said:


> I've just read a post of yours which has inspired many. Watch the small changes you see in your DP. I know it is suffocating you but rest in the moments seconds when it is changing a little. It is actually only when you remain in the situation that you will see it change. Do you have anyone there that you are safe with? Please make contact if you need to know that this will change. I have recovered from this hollow empty place of quietness. Try and describe the feelings in your body what they look like, you're creative, Their colour their shape. Make it a body thing. You are not this eperience. You are the person that you describe in your blog. She hasn't gone anywhere. Please trust me on this. This is not a permanent change. Write down one thing that you used to do and lose track of time and love. Accept that you don't feel that way towards it now. I bet it still gets you're imagination ticking over. Even a little.What can you plan. How about some creative activities for children to do using digitalphotography. If you google that I'll bet you'll find some amazing things. Do your children like photography too?
> 
> What steps will it take for you to achieve your goal. When will you do these.. and when will you show me what you have done? You've said that you avoid feelings. Try and read the Happiness Trap. An ACT therapy books which teaches you how to face discomfort.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post. I'm not sure what post I have written that has inspired many. I will keep in mind what you said. Yes, I started reading the preview for that book online yesterday. It couldn't hurt to order it.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> I don't know if that is true. The bible says that each day of your life was written is his book before one of them came to pass. That includes every person on the planet, not just Christians. Lots of people commit suicide. God knows the day they will die and how they will die before they even are born. He is all knowing but because he loves us, he gives us free will, even to commit suicide. He doesn't want us to be controlled, to be robots. That isn't love, that is control. God doesn't want to control us so he gives us our own minds and opinions and emotions and lets us choose what to do with those.
> 
> So my point is, God knows people are going to commit suicide and he does nothing to stop it. Sure he doesn't WANT you to do it but people still do it. So maybe this is just how my life is going to play out. Only God really knows. I just know that all of this IS more than I can take.


You are using your Faith in God & Christianity to Rationalize Suicide.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

Do you really want your children growing up without their mother? And your son who has DP? When he grows up and realizes he can take his life too, what will he do?


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> Do you really want your children growing up without their mother? And your son who has DP? When he grows up and realizes he can take his life too, what will he do?


I'm not going to argue with you about this. You're not in my situation. You get to live somewhere and not have to worry about providing for yourself. You're not being abused on a daily basis. It's easy to be where you are at and see things differently. You're not in my shoes.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> I'm not going to argue with you about this. You're not in my situation. You get to live somewhere and not have to worry about providing for yourself. You're not being abused on a daily basis. It's easy to be where you are at and see things differently. You're not in my shoes.


I only wanted to help you.


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> I only wanted to help you.


I know but trying to guilt me for how I feel isn't helping. If you want to send me a pile of money to get out of my situation, that would be helpful.


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## FoXS (Nov 4, 2009)

what, you are being abused??


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## Guest (May 25, 2010)

FoXS said:


> what, you are being abused??


Not physically. Emotionally and mentally. I am reminded every day of how I am ruining someone else's life just by being alive. Just by being me. When you are stuck living with the person who reminds you of this every day and you have no way out, you do end up wishing for death because you have no other escape. That is where I am at right now.


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## Xerei (Feb 17, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> I know I said I was leaving but Im having nothing short of a personal crisis right now and I need to vent.
> 
> I cant take my situation anymore. Im living with my husband because my dp is making it impossible to work and I cant rent or pay bills. I also cant stand living with my husband. It is so bad that its making me irrational. Right now Im considering suicide and convenience marriages. I need an out and there isnt one. I am freaking out.


Dont let your hate keep your wounds open, let your wounds heal with love.
Dont commit suicide...you have a son! And believe me, a suicidal mother isn't a good thing, my mom used to be like that aswell, every day was a questionmark: "Will she live till tomorrow, will i ever see her again? Will i get to say thanks for what she gave me?"
Dont let your son have those thoughts. Suicide isn't a good thing, what's not good is bad/evil, you can't defeat bad with bad, your only choices is to even bad with good, or to defeat the bad with good, either way, you'll get through this.
Ehm..Just a little tip, try not focusing too much on your own pain, try spending as much time as possible with your son, watch him laugh, watch him play around, watch him have fun. No matter what you're suffering from, no matter who you are, or where you are, that love breaks through anything.
Oh..and by the way..I was wondering if there's any physical illnesses or disorders running in your family...usually DP don't affect many people in one family. And most physical illnesses/disorders can be cured.
Peace and love.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi. i know how you feel. I don't have any advice, just know you are not alone in feeling trapped and helpless.

I wanted to share my belief as well, without it being the start of an argument. It's shared with love, and anyone may think whatever they want of it.

I believe in God. I believe God is everywhere, and part of us is always part of God.
I do not know if God has a plan for our lives, but I believe that if he does, you might or might not, live that plan. If you take your own life, that is not Gods plan, as God's plan can never be suffering. I believe that you will be guided, always, in the most optimal direction with your life, if you listen to Gods voice within you. I believe that through prayer, meditation and good deeds, you get closer to God, and it gets easier to feel what is right for you to do. You have endless possibilities to make the right choices. But sometimes you are stuck, like we are now, and you know in your heart what you really need to do, but you just can't figure out how to do it. And I guess, sometimes you've ignored His voice for so long, you end up in Hell (me).

I've started to listen again. And I try and do the little things, and be patient. But it is really hard, I'd give my right arm for 5 minutes of normality.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

About suicide. No-one wants to take their own life. "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." (quote)

When you feel the guilt of not being able to be the mom you want to be, and you start to feel like a burden, then it doesn't help what people try and tell you. On top of that comes the pure horror of this condition.
The only thing that helps someone who feels suicidal is to ease their burden. Getting rest helps. Money helps. Getting away from a stressful environment helps. Having someone to talk to helps. Emotional release helps. Having time to care for oneself helps. 
The "think about your kids-talk" makes it worse, it only feeds depression and feelings of being damned if you do and damned if you don't.

*hugs*


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## guest1234 (Mar 23, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> I'm not going to argue with you about this. You're not in my situation. You get to live somewhere and not have to worry about providing for yourself. You're not being abused on a daily basis. It's easy to be where you are at and see things differently. You're not in my shoes.


Who doesn't have to worry about providing from themself? Lucky them, although having to do so has been part of my recovery personally so wouldn't say it was a good thing. I would be hesitant before saying other people's situations aren't as bad as your own though :/


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## Guest (May 27, 2010)

york said:


> About suicide. No-one wants to take their own life. "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." (quote)
> 
> When you feel the guilt of not being able to be the mom you want to be, and you start to feel like a burden, then it doesn't help what people try and tell you. On top of that comes the pure horror of this condition.
> The only thing that helps someone who feels suicidal is to ease their burden. Getting rest helps. Money helps. Getting away from a stressful environment helps. Having someone to talk to helps. Emotional release helps. Having time to care for oneself helps.
> ...


EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY!!!! You are one of the few people who truly "get it". Thank you for your beautiful and supportive words *hugs*


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## guest1234 (Mar 23, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY!!!! You are one of the few people who truly "get it". Thank you for your beautiful and supportive words *hugs*


You know, york's words strike a chord with me. She is right, I am sure you are perfectly aware of the things people are saying re the kids. I am not saying they are wrong, but I would be very suprised if it wasn't things you haven't thought yourself, and not what you were hoping for when posting this.

All I can say is hang on in there. This thing is not worth taking your life over. HE is not worth taking your life over. Just try to count the good things in your life - at least you have a roof over your head and are able to be with your kids. It may be small comfort but it's somewhere to start. Use the situation to your advantage as best you can. Does he work during the day? If so make that time your own and treasure it. Now that you are living back there, is there any way you could continue with the studies you started maybe? Or take up another course that is more part time, or even distance learning? When I first got ill, after the first few months of horror, I did a distance learning course in Nutritional Advice. That was step 1, then going back to work was the next one and so on. It's all about the small victories. I hope this helps somehow.


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## Guest (May 27, 2010)

guest1234 said:


> You know, york's words strike a chord with me. She is right, I am sure you are perfectly aware of the things people are saying re the kids. I am not saying they are wrong, but I would be very suprised if it wasn't things you haven't thought yourself, and not what you were hoping for when posting this.
> 
> All I can say is hang on in there. This thing is not worth taking your life over. HE is not worth taking your life over. Just try to count the good things in your life - at least you have a roof over your head and are able to be with your kids. It may be small comfort but it's somewhere to start. Use the situation to your advantage as best you can. Does he work during the day? If so make that time your own and treasure it. Now that you are living back there, is there any way you could continue with the studies you started maybe? Or take up another course that is more part time, or even distance learning? When I first got ill, after the first few months of horror, I did a distance learning course in Nutritional Advice. That was step 1, then going back to work was the next one and so on. It's all about the small victories. I hope this helps somehow.


Thanks. He does work so I have the whole day away from him. I don't like it when he comes home. Right now I ignore my day away. It's how I'm coping with dp. When summer finally comes, I am resolved to spend the days out doors with my kids. Yes, getting out is hard but how threatening can nature be? If anything, it's healing.

Right now I am saving to do college courses online. I've tried to narrow down something that I can do from home or even do in a solitary manner in a work environment outside of home (I can't get a job outside of the house for another 2 year because my kids will still be at home and my husband can't afford daycare). I think medical transcription is the way to go BUT I am having an incredibly hard time deciding where to go through. It seems like every where you look is a scam. One place has a A plus rating with the bbb and is accredited BUT they don't accept federal aid and that makes me wonder why. If they were a legit school, I would think they would. Plus, I have another thousand to save and with no job, that is incredibly slow going.


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## guest1234 (Mar 23, 2010)

tinyfairypeople said:


> Thanks. He does work so I have the whole day away from him. I don't like it when he comes home. Right now I ignore my day away. It's how I'm coping with dp. When summer finally comes, I am resolved to spend the days out doors with my kids. Yes, getting out is hard but how threatening can nature be? If anything, it's healing.
> 
> Right now I am saving to do college courses online. I've tried to narrow down something that I can do from home or even do in a solitary manner in a work environment outside of home (I can't get a job outside of the house for another 2 year because my kids will still be at home and my husband can't afford daycare). I think medical transcription is the way to go BUT I am having an incredibly hard time deciding where to go through. It seems like every where you look is a scam. One place has a A plus rating with the bbb and is accredited BUT they don't accept federal aid and that makes me wonder why. If they were a legit school, I would think they would. Plus, I have another thousand to save and with no job, that is incredibly slow going.


I know what you mean, I had that issue - I would suggest contacting the accrediting bodies and asking them to recommend a course, sometimes they have a list on their website, that's the route I took.

Re the going outside/threatening - my theory on this aspect of DP is that there is a lot of fear built up for which there is no visible threat that the mind can attribute it to so it just gets projected onto your surroundings and your own existence. What I believe is that the way to overcome this is to go out and do all the things which seem fearful in order to 'show' the mind that nothing bad will happen and that there is nothing to fear. Now I know this is easier said than done but like I said it is all about taking little steps, one at a time and building up from there.

When you say 'solitary manner' - is this because DP is making you want to avoid being around other people? I know that feeling very well but I also think that in the end this is another thing to overcome, as I think being around other people can be part of the distraction process that helps you to mend, however I can understand that at first it may be a bit much to cope with.


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## Guest (May 28, 2010)

guest1234 said:


> I know what you mean, I had that issue - I would suggest contacting the accrediting bodies and asking them to recommend a course, sometimes they have a list on their website, that's the route I took.
> 
> Re the going outside/threatening - my theory on this aspect of DP is that there is a lot of fear built up for which there is no visible threat that the mind can attribute it to so it just gets projected onto your surroundings and your own existence. What I believe is that the way to overcome this is to go out and do all the things which seem fearful in order to 'show' the mind that nothing bad will happen and that there is nothing to fear. Now I know this is easier said than done but like I said it is all about taking little steps, one at a time and building up from there.
> 
> When you say 'solitary manner' - is this because DP is making you want to avoid being around other people? I know that feeling very well but I also think that in the end this is another thing to overcome, as I think being around other people can be part of the distraction process that helps you to mend, however I can understand that at first it may be a bit much to cope with.


Yeah, solitary manner means like little or no contact with other people. Maybe even like in a quiet corner in a larger office or something. I just get incredibly overwhelmed and more dp'd when there is a lot of stuff going on around me. The other day, my husband mother came over and she hadn't been in a while, so the kids were all hyped up. They were talking really loud, running around, lots of conversation was going back and forth. It really really disoriented me. I also had to interview baby sitters and just talking to them made that happen to. Them being here for just like 20 minutes made me think I wasn't going to make it until they left without freaking out. I just know that right now I couldn't work in a busy environment.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I seriously could have written everything you say here. We are so in the exact same place!
Just wanted to tell you that taking magnesium helps me a lot when it comes to coping with the stress and symptoms you describe, with people/noises etc. I told my doctor about it and he was like (after a YEAR of seeing him) "yeah, it's well known magnesium helps with bad nerves and light and sound sensitivity". Thanks!! Could have used that info 15 months ago!
It works miracles though, but make sure it's good magnesium. I buy it from someone who makes it himself, the store-bought stuff never did anything.


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## Guest (May 28, 2010)

york said:


> I seriously could have written everything you say here. We are so in the exact same place!
> Just wanted to tell you that taking magnesium helps me a lot when it comes to coping with the stress and symptoms you describe, with people/noises etc. I told my doctor about it and he was like (after a YEAR of seeing him) "yeah, it's well known magnesium helps with bad nerves and light and sound sensitivity". Thanks!! Could have used that info 15 months ago!
> It works miracles though, but make sure it's good magnesium. I buy it from someone who makes it himself, the store-bought stuff never did anything.


I will have to look into that


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