# Why do I dissociate??



## amandah (May 11, 2012)

Hello,
I have been dealing with dissociation for the past few months. Well, actually it started suddenly when I was 18 (about 9 years ago). I was on the beach, making dinner and then getting a shower and it was like something hit me and I was dizzy and out of it and it didn't go away for a LONG time. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic symptoms, even though I kept saying the dissociation was making me depressed! I ended up not going to college (at least not at that time) because I was totally freaking out and couldn't concentrate at all. I was also diagnosed and treated for Lymes disease, but antibiotics did not give me any immediate relief. I also was put on every type of antidepressant and nothing really made me feel wonderful. I became so self-conscious and insecure about myself.
Anyway, it gradually became a lot better...I finished college, got married and had my first child. I never felt better in those 2 years I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I felt so emotionally connected to my hubby and my little girl. 
Well, when my daughter was about 18 months I became pregnant again with my second child. I was depressed and sick for much of my pregnancy. I had my son and still was no full on dissociating, but I felt a little off. I moved, got a new job and was adjusting to being a mom of 2 with an infant that NEVER slept for 8 months, so needless to say my life has had stressors in the past year. Is that enough to full on dissociate again? I had an "episode" this past October where I felt out of it and like everything was surreal. It never completely lifted, but I never let it fully control me either. Then in May I had a sever episode, where everything felt so unreal that I was actually having trouble discerning reality from these thoughts. At times now I still have trouble discerning reality from my weird thoughts. I feel foggy, tired, unable to concentrate, anxious and confused about these thoughts and what life is or isn't. I have been in therapy in the past and am currently in therapy again. I really had a wonderful childhood...I really would not have had emotional abuse from my parents and no sexual abuse from anyone that I can possibly remember. My mother was the worrier so I was never left with anyone EVER! I was always hard on myself as a child, wanted straight A's, wanted to be athletic, wanted to be pretty, etc... None of this was pushed on me by parents. In fact, my parents were the ones to tell me to relax. So, lately it comes and goes as I have been still functioning taking care of my kids. But I really am confused about my self, who I am, what life is, where I am within the universe...those sorts of existential questions. I should note I was raised in a Christian home and have struggled with doubt about my faith these past 9 years. My doubt scares me and makes me sad, but I feel out of control of it. The worst thing right now is I feel an emotional disconnect from my kids and my husbands, the ones I love the most. I have trouble connecting physically to my husband and my daughter (now 3.5) often irritates me. I want to feel that deep love like before.

So I guess ultimately my question is do people really have this intense dissociation just due to daily stressors without any childhood trauma????


----------



## Abigail- (Jun 28, 2012)

Hello







The answer to your question is of course! This is my second experience with depersonalization although completely different circumstaces on why I developed it again the first time was due to a panic attack. I also would say I had a good child hood. Dissociation is simply just a defense machenism, Its just your brains way of letting you know your to over whelmed at the moment and it needs to take a step back. You'll get the strong feelings of love back I promise, DP just tends to suck all emotions out of you for the duration of it. Its really hard, But the best thing you can do it to try and ignore this awful feeling and go along with regular life. Hope you feel better soon x


----------



## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Yep that can definitely happen!


----------



## amandah (May 11, 2012)

thanks everyone! I can officially accept that I do not have some odd suppressed memory as some therapy may suggest: )I guess the little things in life truly overwhelm my nervous system.


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

amandah said:


> Hello,
> I have been dealing with dissociation for the past few months. Well, actually it started suddenly when I was 18 (about 9 years ago). I was on the beach, making dinner and then getting a shower and it was like something hit me and I was dizzy and out of it and it didn't go away for a LONG time. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic symptoms, even though I kept saying the dissociation was making me depressed! I ended up not going to college (at least not at that time) because I was totally freaking out and couldn't concentrate at all. I was also diagnosed and treated for Lymes disease, but antibiotics did not give me any immediate relief. I also was put on every type of antidepressant and nothing really made me feel wonderful. I became so self-conscious and insecure about myself.
> Anyway, it gradually became a lot better...I finished college, got married and had my first child. I never felt better in those 2 years I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I felt so emotionally connected to my hubby and my little girl.
> Well, when my daughter was about 18 months I became pregnant again with my second child. I was depressed and sick for much of my pregnancy. I had my son and still was no full on dissociating, but I felt a little off. I moved, got a new job and was adjusting to being a mom of 2 with an infant that NEVER slept for 8 months, so needless to say my life has had stressors in the past year. Is that enough to full on dissociate again? I had an "episode" this past October where I felt out of it and like everything was surreal. It never completely lifted, but I never let it fully control me either. Then in May I had a sever episode, where everything felt so unreal that I was actually having trouble discerning reality from these thoughts. At times now I still have trouble discerning reality from my weird thoughts. I feel foggy, tired, unable to concentrate, anxious and confused about these thoughts and what life is or isn't. I have been in therapy in the past and am currently in therapy again. I really had a wonderful childhood...I really would not have had emotional abuse from my parents and no sexual abuse from anyone that I can possibly remember. My mother was the worrier so I was never left with anyone EVER! I was always hard on myself as a child, wanted straight A's, wanted to be athletic, wanted to be pretty, etc... None of this was pushed on me by parents. In fact, my parents were the ones to tell me to relax. So, lately it comes and goes as I have been still functioning taking care of my kids. But I really am confused about my self, who I am, what life is, where I am within the universe...those sorts of existential questions. I should note I was raised in a Christian home and have struggled with doubt about my faith these past 9 years. My doubt scares me and makes me sad, but I feel out of control of it. The worst thing right now is I feel an emotional disconnect from my kids and my husbands, the ones I love the most. I have trouble connecting physically to my husband and my daughter (now 3.5) often irritates me. I want to feel that deep love like before.
> ...


I'm sorry to point out the obvious but you did in fact suffer from emotional abuse and neglect ... just from gathering what you said about you wanting to be perfect would suggest that you suffered emotional abuse you may think that your parents were amazing and of course they still can be but they failed to raise you properly by not giving you your emotional needs, if your mother was a worrier chances are you took on the parental role just to meet your mothers emotional needs whilst at the same time she neglected yours...

my mother is a worrier also and acts helpless ... I became the caretaker of her at a very young age hence rejecting my own emotional needs which in turn caused my issues

have you considered inner child work? a good thing you could do would be learning to give yourself what you need and self soothing...then you can teach your own children the same thing which in turn would save them!!


----------



## amandah (May 11, 2012)

missjess said:


> I'm sorry to point out the obvious but you did in fact suffer from emotional abuse and neglect ... just from gathering what you said about you wanting to be perfect would suggest that you suffered emotional abuse you may think that your parents were amazing and of course they still can be but they failed to raise you properly by not giving you your emotional needs, if your mother was a worrier chances are you took on the parental role just to meet your mothers emotional needs whilst at the same time she neglected yours...
> 
> my mother is a worrier also and acts helpless ... I became the caretaker of her at a very young age hence rejecting my own emotional needs which in turn caused my issues
> 
> have you considered inner child work? a good thing you could do would be learning to give yourself what you need and self soothing...then you can teach your own children the same thing which in turn would save them!!


I think your point is interesting. I never really thought about emotional needs so much...I am not sure I know what my emotional needs are! I do think I learned slightly neurotic behaviors from my mom with the worrying. She was really quite loving and nurturing though. If anything too loving! She was the mom that wanted to give hugs and kisses and I would just kind of cringe, because I am not that way. She supported me in all my endeavors, but I don't think she necessarily ever knew how to handle my personality. I never had to be a parent though. I was babied by everyone in my family. I am the only girl and the youngest, so my brothers, dad and mom did treat me like the princess!

What do you mean by inner child work? Also, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly was your situation like. How did you respond and address the issues you have as an adult? I am fearful of passing on any of these issues to my children.
Thanks!


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

amandah said:


> I think your point is interesting. I never really thought about emotional needs so much...I am not sure I know what my emotional needs are! I do think I learned slightly neurotic behaviors from my mom with the worrying. She was really quite loving and nurturing though. If anything too loving! She was the mom that wanted to give hugs and kisses and I would just kind of cringe, because I am not that way. She supported me in all my endeavors, but I don't think she necessarily ever knew how to handle my personality. I never had to be a parent though. I was babied by everyone in my family. I am the only girl and the youngest, so my brothers, dad and mom did treat me like the princess!
> 
> What do you mean by inner child work? Also, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly was your situation like. How did you respond and address the issues you have as an adult? I am fearful of passing on any of these issues to my children.
> Thanks!


Yes neither did I ever lol because they always got rejected whilst I was growing up ...the moment you start to repress your emotional needs is when emotional "illnesses" begin to arise

google inner child work online basically it's like reparenting yourself and asking yourself what you need throughout the day and eventually you will learn to have boundaries with people because you will be attuned to your "bodily needs" most people with DP are not in tune with there own needs and put everyone else first

hmmm where do i begin with my situation well I grew up in a verbally and physically abusive house hold I had issues with my father plus I was picked on in high school so yeah I started to hate myself etc and eventually I cut myself off from the world and people and now here I am ...oh drugs triggered my DP and anxiety I don't get anxiety anymore thank god

I do think i had BPD before panic attacks came about ... I am actually going to the Iboga house in 2 weeks time to relive my past and resolve some emotional issues


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Something else that has also helped me is "the liberator method"

I had a weekly session with a holistic counselor in the US and each week we uncovered different layers of me and peeled them away we did "inner work" and released old beliefs and judgments I had about myself...basically when I had BPD my mind was in conflict and that is because there are different parts of you that grew up with different beliefs say for example you grew up and formed the belief that you are not good enough no matter what you do your mind will tell you your not good enough and you will sabotage everything then you wonder why you can't achieve anything etc

Meh it's been a struggle I am still here though I think the last of my healing will be to heal my emotions so I can feel for other people again and for life!


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

and yes neither of my parents knew how to deal with my personality either they just thought there was something wrong with me etc


----------



## gdsfsasa (Aug 9, 2012)

thanks everyone! I can officially accept that I do not have some odd suppressed memory as some therapy may suggest: )I guess the little things in life truly overwhelm my nervous system.

______________________

2012 Carrera Gafas De Sol


----------



## Samaral (Mar 26, 2012)

Everything you wrote I relate to 100%..... everything xxo


----------



## wise (Mar 29, 2012)

great points missjess


----------



## kate7 (Jul 25, 2010)

hi. i was reading your post, and i wanted to respond. i am mother too, have 8 year old son. reading your post remind me my self. i had pretty good childhood. very good parents, never smoked in my life. this is really hard for mothers who cant connect with your kids and husband


----------



## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

I'd consider seeing a therapist to see if there's some other cause for the dissociation, i didnt notice mine starting until later on, but it had a childhood cause


----------



## amandah (May 11, 2012)

Fearless said:


> Normal "daily stress" does not ever cause DP. DP is always caused by something (emotionally) big thing you're (emotionally) not ready to face.
> 
> If you went through tough things, and you're acting like nothing major happened to you, it's probably the root.


Why do you believe that there must be some other meaning? I struggle with internal issues regarding faith...sometimes I believe God uses these things to make us shut up and realize we aren't in control of everything and that our visual reality is limited. I do understand atheists would see that as delusional and crazy. I also have issues of being a perfectionist (a bit OCD and anxiety prone. I also know I have a hard time facing the realities of life...death...aging... It is hard to see the fast pace of life in which my children grow. I don't believe that means someone has been abused...or is concealing something from themselves.. Also, there is a family history of all of these things.
do you disagree?


----------



## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

It can mean there is something

it can also simply be a symptom of another disorder

it is important to rule out something traumatic, just in case, just like people rule out medical causes. Any decent osyhologist should be able to figure it out.


----------



## amandah (May 11, 2012)

kate_edwin said:


> It can mean there is something
> 
> it can also simply be a symptom of another disorder
> 
> it is important to rule out something traumatic, just in case, just like people rule out medical causes. Any decent osyhologist should be able to figure it out.


Thanks! I have had every physical test....nothing....hashed out childhood with therapist...nothing. She agreed it seems to be no abuse or trauma...or possibly that what may have been traumatic to me wouldn't seem traumatic to the average person.

Thanks for your input.


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

fearless, i need some help with what i am dealing with, u helped me a while ago.. i am dealing with existential thoughts so badly... i feel like nothing makes sense and i dunno how i got here.. it feels weird to be a person and i feel like nothing should exist... its so hard to explain.. it terrifies me tho... im not numb and out of it the way i was before.. but i am severly anxious... these thoughts confuse me so much .. is this still dissociation r am i stuck this way cos i am too anaLYtical


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

those existential thoughts.. do u think i can go bak to normal.. and to feeling like life makes sense again... ? why am i crying so hard...and why do i feel nothing should exist.... being alive is scaring me


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

i have done.. but its like even tho i understand it.. i dont fully believe it... and i have experience of coming out of this state after my setbacks... but when im back in this state i dont understand how life ever made sense.. or how i was ever safe here.. it feels like a curse or torture to be in a body. or to be anywhere for that matter.... but even if i did have the answers to the big questions, it woudnt make a difference., its like i dont want to be here because right now its painful to be here.... it hurts, im feeling.. im no longer numb.. but my brain cannot stand this pain.,. so its dissociating . it doesnt want reality to be real...
even tho i know these things.. right now i dont believe life can feel normal again. i wonder how i got in it and how i udnerstand things and how my brain works. i feel like i just landed. i also think what are the chances that it was me.. did u feel these things... did they cause u panic and also to feel trapped. ? how do i get back to a normal state of mind? im finished therepy. but what she told me was to feel my feelings... fully.. as painful as it is. be okay with not being okay and be patient with urself... but i just want out. because sitting in it is like sitting on a bunch of knives.... even though there are reasons for my feelings... still when i cry it out it just feels like its about those thoughts.. nothing more... am i still getting rid of some baggage when i cry then?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

what do i do then? im scared


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I have done and learned this in therapy and u are right .. All I want to know is is it possible for life to feel the way it used to . For me to feel
Safe in it and normal to be here ... And even the i know the causes for it . What do I do in he mean time ? How do I overcome this
Existential
Hell
.
I'm
Crying and
Crying and it hurts . So stuff is coming out . To me
It feels like I am
Crying because I dunno why I exist
. But there is obviously feelings there . This condition seems to make me feel like I can never think normally again . Because it
Confuses the living shit out of me . I feel fooled by it . I'm terrified that there may be a possibility that this is just me . And that i can't
Comprehend life . Yet I didn't have these thoughts untill my anxiety and depression
Got unbearable and terrifying .


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I dunno what to do with those symptoms .
I am scared .. Do I sit with them . If I do I get a rush of panic . I can't function . And I roll around crying . So I just feel stuck ?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

U say to study that site . Now I
That I know this stuff and know the reason for why I have this . Then what . I've finished therapy and now out on my own . I am trying to feel my feelings but I dunno what it's about . Even by doing this . How would things seem normal and not scary again . I have Harris program . I understand it . But it's not miraculous the way he makes it seem . It can take months to become normal again .. I Just dont know what to do right now . Yes I probably am looking for a quick fix . But its been three years . I've been through it all
. And now I am down to the painful gut feelings . But I
Dunno
What to
Do
With them . I just feel overwhelmed . Then wat
. They feel like they will last forever


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

i see what u are saying... my fears feel like fear of life? and death. but i was not afraid of these things much.. untill anxiety... i dunno what to do even if i know my fears... ?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

yes.. it makes perfect sense.. even tho my feelings tell me otherwise... i am a logical person. so i can understand wat you are saying.... my question is.. and i know u are not god lol.. can this be overcome? what steps do i take to do this... i am in a process at the moment. i went from panic attacks, to numbness, to existential questioning and utter despair... i am crying like ive been stabbed. out loud. and it hurts.. it hurts so bad. what i am asking u is.. and u seem to know alot which i am very thankful for.. is. even tho i have no idea what i am crying about. and it feels like unexplainable feelings, am i still releasing the repressed emotions? will each time i cry be a little closer to being pain-free. and can my fckedd up perception of ''life'' ever return to normality and safety. when will the crying and panic end.


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

all those things u said i too feel.... i just dont know what to do with the information.... im caught in the never ending terror of panic... i am aware i wont be hurt or die... im just afraid ill never find comfort... get me? i cannot function right now.... i am rolling around my bed in tears.. of i dunno what.. well wat seems like existential angst... even tho this is not the issue... it still scares me..because even if i know my bad traits. and habits and things that were done to me. how do i take the pain away.


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

just got ur last post. u are correct... so is it possible then to not fear life anymore... willl being here make some sense again... i cannot imagine it... yet i guess it should feel normal.. i am here for a reason i guess.... a few years ago life felt normal...
and my parents were great.. but they ideally cared for me.. leaving me feeling like i could not console myself without them... they always took the pain away... untill panic attacks and dp began.. and my god i have never felt so god damn scared in my whole life.. no one could help me... i felt and feel total and utter despair... i guess its good that i dont feel numb anymore. and that i feel pain.. its moving... yet im stuck on the existential and crying train


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

What I mean by great is they did their best . But they made me an anxious person . Even now they still try to take away my pain and I'm 22 . I've been babied by them . And I am frightened so frightened without them . It even causes me panic writing that . U say life can be beautiful again . I find my existence utterly terrifying at the moment . I want out . The pain and anxiety I feel feels endless . I feel if I keep crying I will not stop . Why am I scared to be me and to have a brain . These thought make me think I can never feel comfortable anywhere .


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I read the sites they are very good ... The
Thing that keeps me in panic tho . Is that I feel I shouldn't be here . I feel I shouldn't be able to see . And that it all makes no
Sense . It's not the unreality I used to feel . Sorta dream state like . It's actual confusion about why existence exists , and fear of my very being . I know u say I an repeating myself . And I am . But I feel it's too complicated to ever feel safe and normal in reality again . It's like my brain does not want anything to exist now that I have seen life in such a way . I can hardly even explain what I mean . Am I just too philosophical or is this pure dissociation . And have u felt this way . Please don't get mad at me . I am trying hard .


----------



## Dexter42 (Apr 13, 2011)

It's not dissociation, if it was you wouldn't remember.


----------



## Dexter42 (Apr 13, 2011)

hahaha, I spend half my fucking life dissociated my little ignorant friend.


----------



## Dexter42 (Apr 13, 2011)

^


----------



## Dexter42 (Apr 13, 2011)

And your point is ?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I read the sites they are very good ... The
Thing that keeps me in panic tho . Is that I feel I shouldn't be here . I feel I shouldn't be able to see . And that it all makes no
Sense . It's not the unreality I used to feel . Sorta dream state like . It's actual confusion about why existence exists , and fear of my very being . I know u say I an repeating myself . And I am . But I feel it's too complicated to ever feel safe and normal in reality again . It's like my brain does not want anything to exist now that I have seen life in such a way . I can hardly even explain what I mean . Am I just too philosophical or is this pure dissociation . And have u felt this way . Please don't get mad at me . I am trying hard .


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Shit I posted that again ha


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Use that for the best ... So I should do nothing . Let myself feel like shit . Untill it doesn't anymore . Yes ?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

That wasn't sarcastic by the way . Just asking should I let the feelings wash over me . And cry as I need to . Is recovery from dissociation meant to be painful


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

what else do i gotta do... i know how to distract myself etc.. but when it gets this bad i cant.... its like one constant panic attack. what other advice can u give me... i know where it came from.. im focusing on the feelings and crying... what do i DO though... whats the process... i need something to pull me outta this terror.


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I do tho I realise it. I just need hope that I will not
Fear myself and life anymore . I feel as if ive gone to a place I cannot come back from . The deep thinking


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

the thing is.. i dont feel dead or out of it, spaced or anything at all.... ! not anymore.... i am not numb,. i am feeling... i am here... i just duno how.. i feel like i just arrived.... and the rest.. im not gonna go on and on because u will get annoyed at me... but this is why i dunno if thats dissociation..... nothing makes sense.... i can interact and feel love and the rest.. but i dunno wtf this all is around me... ''life'' seems like something i shouldnt be in.. i want to escape .


----------



## RenZimE (Feb 10, 2010)

I would be more inclined to call it existentialism-induced dissociation, especially from the conversation we had the other night... I see things still arent going too well for you huh







Did you try what I suggested? If you did, how did it go?







x


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

well in the beginning it was just panic and anxiety that caused the dissociation... then came the existential questions... so i dunno?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

i agree fearless. it took me over a year of anxiety/depression/panic attacks to develop the existential stuff. so thats not wat caused it for me.... fearless. i know its dp.... but... its passed all those numbed stages dead bla bla.. i dont have that anymore.... the existential hell makes me question whether its still dissociation or not... u tell me to take steps..... u are not clear.... u tell me understand my emotional abuse , hurt and repressed feelings.... i do... and can prevent further dp no maybe... but that does not pull me out of this current state.... i still cannot function because i am scared at the moment... regardless of the cause i am in it now.... get me?


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

yes i see what u are saying.... so what should i do... think about it.. read more and understand it? i think i have a huge fear of death.... and being alone etc... im overly attatched to people.... so maybe thats why life scares me.... my anxiety triggered when i was going to college and leacing school..... the other time in my life at 13 going from primary school into hugh school. i developed an eating disorder.... is seems i cannot deal with change.. and dissociate as a reaction.... i do not know exactly how to change it... i know my habits and patterns... why does life seem so terrifying to me.... it never did untill anxiety.... these issues that caused my anxiety are long gone.. there for i feel the feelings without connecting,,, so i am kinda confused and at a loss with myself... i feel weak and unable to grow up....


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I agree with this ... I have alot of insecurities . I dont show it . I've always been admired
. A
Singer and mOdel
And
Always praised by my parents and people . But when it came to school and bitchy girls
. I was always put down or told that I love myself . I never internalized compliments . I heard them and knew
What other people felt about me yet
I could not feel it . Unless I was told 24/7
I was gorgeous then I did not believe it . I grew
Up being
Smothered by love and the outside world never filled that vOid for me . I've been in relationships non stop for the last 8 Years . Since I was 14 . And could never be loved enough
. I never got the chance to have compassion for myself and to find love from within Because
It always came from others . But not everyone is gonna praise me . I was made feel extra special than I actually was . I still
Feel that way . Like more important . Some amazing girl . But that's false . Yes I have
Looks and talent but so do others . This was a harsh reality for me to find out . And
I feel empty and
At
School felt so insecure because I would be put down for being confident
And
Singing etc
. I put on
A
Front of not caring . But I was so uncomfortable inside .
I
Couldn't be myself
.. I never could
. I was always told I
Was way
Too sensitive . If i was to act how I felt all those years I would have been crying a hell of alot
. Instead I
Was just angry
.
Had a
Constant chip on my shoulder and lived
Completely in defense . I was never
Comfortable with who I am
.
I'm
Difficult moody warm and very emotional
. These are things I hate about myself . I was myself as a kid untill I got bad reactions for being myself . Therefore I took these parts of me and shoved them somewhere never to be found
. Untill
Panic attacks started . I was not
Acting how I really felt
. I was dissociated . And now I am forever in protective mode . I've lost my sense of self . And that person I was a part of me does not wanna be . I fear being
Disliked . I want to be liked by everyone . And adored . I
Know
It's not
Realistic
But its my upbringing
.
I realise that's wrong way to think
. But Its
A hard habit . I never feel fullfilled or content because
No
One
Ever fills that void for me
. And I have
So much love around me . I need the love to come
From within . But
I can't
Fake
It
. I know
What people think
Of me from the outside
. But I
Don't
Love me and who I am
.
Im uncomfortable with me . I guess I want to know If it's too late to get to know myself . Ad start to have compassion for myself . I want my sense of self bak . But I don't want to feel inadequate . I dont know how to gain it back
. I'm
Afraid it's long
Gone . That persona I have had for the last few years kept me strong . But I could not keep it going forever .


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I'm
Writing on an iPhone so it's all over the place sorry ha


----------



## amandah (May 11, 2012)

hey...everyone thanks again for support and suggestions...I wanted to post a new comment/question under my old thread so I don't have to go through the history of things again.

I went to dr in January for bronchitis and the flu. While I was there I mentioned I'm still always tired, fatigued, etc. I have had a few other odd symptoms like numbness and tingling in my head and arms. This happened last year for about a month and I went to dr then bc I felt dp/dr again, but the other list of symptoms made me feel like something wasn't right. Everything came back normal. Well this dr I saw didn't think i was just crazy and anxious...she ran tests for EVERYTHING! I was pretty sure they would all come back normal again and that is all in my head. I asked for a lyme titer bc I was told I had lyme disease when this first happened to me 10 years ago.

Blood work says lyme is good and fine...but I showed positive results for 2 components of a lupus profile. Anyone have any experience with that? I don't have regular joint pain. ..I have some classic lupus symptoms, but they could be symptoms of lots of things. I was never tested for this before and am wondering if lupus can cause these effects on my mind. I told dr I am willing to accept that I am just anxious and dissociative, but again I just feel blah and sick...so any input, advice experience with lupus is helpful.

By the way...I am seeing a rheumotologist to determine whether or not this is even lupus...or just false positives or something else all together!


----------

