# I don't know who I am...



## Masonklane (May 8, 2016)

Hey everyone, new to the community here and thought I should share my story.

Where to start, where to start...?

I was about 15 or 16 when I first experienced a full blown panic attack in the cafeteria of my high school. Vision became tunneled, loud sounds of the room began to lower, felt dizzy, heart was racing and I soon began to feel like I was losing consciousness. BANG. From there on I started missing school, avoiding it in fear of the attack reoccuring. I began to see a school therapist who after several sessions suggested I omit myself to teen help centre at a psychiatric hospital. There I was diagnosed with Panic disorder and Major depression. I was prescribed Celexa and after 2 months of therapy with other kids my age I was able to reintegrate into school and conquer my fears. I was stable enough to complete my education at high school and graduate.

Shortly after graduating, I began college in communications (Cinema). This is also around the time where I first started experimenting with weed. My girlfriend at that time introduced me to the drug and I was curious. With a bit of peer pressure i started to smoke up a few times per week but with her and her only. I had my share of bad trips but I soon began to love the sense of euphoria it brought me. Meanwhile, I was doing great in school, and I mean great! Enjoyed the program so much, made friends easily and was very liked by the majority of students. (Also important to mention that I was taking Celexa 40mg every night). 2 semesters passed and I decided it was time for me to break up with the girl I was dating. I could not take the stress she was causing me due to her Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite all the amazing adventures we had together, I put an end to the madness. I also stopped smoking marijuana cause I had no one to smoke with anymore and never spent a penny on it cause I was always using what she bought.

I continued my session at college, although less motivated, I started to go out with many girls and created many memorable and sad moments. I eventually went back to smoking pot. I made 2 really good friends one of which became my girlfriend and we stuck together like a family. That summer of 2015, was the craziest time of my life, and by crazy i mean amazing. Around this time I was purchasing my own weed as were my friends. Besides being high almost all the time, we went on camping trips, bike trips and pretty much lived outdoors.

The euphoric haze soon came to an end as summer came to an end. We had built a tight bond and were full of new ideas as art students in the making... Existential thoughts, psychedelic music, sex, marijuana, poetry and just sheer beauty... Now it's just painful nostalgia... But before I get to that...

That fall I decided to drop out from college. I was close to finishing but was not altogether motivated to continue. My friend also decided to drop out and my gf abandoned university. Winter came and we found a perfect room in my building to isolate ourselves in till its passing. We would meet up and spend hours in this room, watching winter do its work from a small window of the rooms door. After countless joints in a matter of 2 and half months, it hit me... I had a panic attack and my reality was completely distorted...very very scary. From that day on I would not stop waking up with an utterly crippling anxiety Symptoms included; derealization/ Depersonalization,everything looked strange, my neighbourhood looked unfamiliar and my anxiety was out of control, trouble concentrating, disconnected from my friends... It was Hell!!!!!. I can remember telling my mom I wanted to die because I could not take what I was experiencing. (I already knew what dp/dr were and had already experienced it before in my life but only for short moments) My mother, brothers and friends were completely puzzled and scared so eventually we called an ambulance and I was hospitalized at a psychiatric department... 2 months... They told me I was having withdrawal symptoms from marijuana along with depression and anxiety. I was seriously out of it. I just let the doctors do their work and hoped for best. They began treatment with medications. Here's a list of the meds they tried on me;

1. Seroquel, Abilify with what I was already taking (celexa) 
No improvement after a few weeks. My depersonalization was only getting worst. Dream like state was killing me... Doctors confirmed it wasn't a psychosis since I was able to act normally and that I would not be worrying about a psychosis if I really had one. I began to obsess over everything I felt and did numerous searches on google from the hospital to understand what the hell was happening to me. I felt distant from myself everytime I talked to a doctor or nurse. I did not feel connected to my own words. Started having nightmares, became delusional with the help I was being given in this place, felt like nurses, docs, psych were all punishing me! I began to lose more and more hope as the second cocktail of meds (Respirdol, Effexor and Ativan) failed to ease the mental pain I was suffering.

After 2 months of absolute freaking hell, I was released..

I'm now home... And feel worst than ever. Currently being weened off all the meds I'm on which include Ativan 1.5 mg(0.5 x3 daily am/noon/night) Effexor 225mg in the morning , and 15mg of Remeron at night.

I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know what I like anymore. Constantly confused on what to do. Can't commit to any activity cause I feel so depersonalized. Negative thoughts. Can't be myself with my gf. Feel like im floating through life. Very Sensitive to light. Can't wake up knowing I have to face reality. Taking less and less care of myself. Memories aren't clear and feel like dreams. I can't leave home without my brother or mother by my side. I litterally can't enjoy anything!! It is terrifying to be outside cause everything looks so strange and unfamiliar. I feel like I'm trapped in this body I have to forcefully care for daily!! I feel disconnected from my own family, can't see my friends cause everytime I do Im reminded of the past me, the funny , full of life and energy me, the me with big ideas for the future. Almost everything causes me anxiety. Just moving around in my own body. I can't work or go back to school right now . I'm stuck with myself and this thing we call reality everyday. I can't even listen to the music I once loved cause It's way too painful to hear! I'm really afraid of being by myself. My family is really supportive but I feel so disconnected from them. Nothing feels real. I've become dependant on my family to the point I cannot make my own decisions! I'm really losing it... My creativity and artist side has been completely wiped out and I feel like deep down I have given up in some way. I feel so lost... I miss my old self so so so much!! I don't know who or what I am!! I'm 23, no longer smoke weed, or drink caffeinated drinks like red bull or coffee and haven't since the incident in the room of my building.

Please if someone can help me out with a few words... What's going on with me... ? I want my old self back ...

I can't take this anymore... And I feel like I'll never wake up from this...I've never attempted any form of self harm or suicide but I don't want to live like this.... Where did reality go? It feels so fake out there... So loud... Overwhelming as hell..


----------



## 99880 (Mar 17, 2016)

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry to learn that you are having such a difficult time. DP can be an incredibly lonely experience. There are many people on this forum who have faced similar circumstances, they understand exactly what you are going through and will be able to offer advice and support.


----------



## KJames (Feb 29, 2016)

I'm sorry that you aren't having a good time at the moment. 
We are all in the Same boat. 
Please don't give up. You just need to find the right help that works for you (Be it CBT, Medication, Meditation, DBT, EMDR) and once you do, I promise you will start to acquire coping strategies to deal with your situation and get your life back.


----------

