# starting Lamictal today



## TickleMeElmo (Jan 20, 2009)

Ive suffered derealisation and depersonalisation for more than 10 yrs solid as a result of a panic attack post taking ecstacy...only once and to fit in. Ive always been terrifiex of taking medication like i cant escape the fact it is in my body and its changing who i am. Would really love to get there by rationalising my way out of things but even with therapy its proved impossible.

Depression hit post relationship breakup through my anxiety about not being able to connect with my partner. She made me anxious and wasnt fully real. I walked straight into another relationship with a another lovely girl due to feeling very low indeed.

The depression itself has left me feeling more depersonalised and unable to connect with any memories before i met her. If i was able to recall them its like it happened to someone else. Its particularly hard feeling that way and seeing your gf, parents as cardboard cut outs.

So the deprezzion itself and disconnection has prompted me to finally get treatment. I desperately want a normal loving and connected life, 10 yrs of this is about all i can take. Very upsetting. Symptoms now include a terrible memory as i am not really present at events and an inability to listen or concentrate...

On 40mg of citalopram at the moment, not really sure what thats doing but have managed to get lamictal prescribed which i am starting today. Very scared and disappointed with myself that i feel the need to do it but got to give it a shot life is way too short.

Basically convinced the pdoc with information provided by the specialists at KCL.

A heartfelt hope here for a normal connected life.

Big love to everyone, ill keep you update.


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## jessie1133 (Oct 7, 2013)

I got mine from that drug to (( I feel like when ever i see anyone get this from molly or x they have it for years ((( iv had it for 9 months... Do you think ill get better?...anyone?


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## TickleMeElmo (Jan 20, 2009)

Honestly, i think you can. Its horrible, scarey and like some emotional vacuum but even after 2 days of lamictal i notice a slight difference. Thats 25mg. Plenty of room for maneuver  you need to find what works for you. Apart from the medication what helps me is doing scarey things that raise my adrenalin, seems to break through and make me feel alive but the anxiety and general weirdness makes it hard to motivate.

Its ok to try to make sense of things but honestly the worst thing you can do is ruminate and get obsessed. I went to therapy and because it was primary dp it just made me more obsessed. Get help if you need the support but make sure its the right help for you.

Ruminating has almost driven me insane, really truly feels that way.


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## TickleMeElmo (Jan 20, 2009)

Soooo,I haven't posted since I've been taking Lamictal. So far sadly no relief from the depersonalisation but I think the depression and and chronic rumination has approved by about 50%. I took a couple of months off work in November to do with stress, so going back to the same office (where tongues wag) I've been feeling like a complete loser and under the microscope...but since ramping up the Lamictal a bit (to 150mg) I have been able to calmly shrug it off sometimes, almost as a reflex. Usually I'd be sitting at home agonising over every thought, feeling or action I'd made during the day to work out what I'd done wrong and how I could correct it to be accepted by everyone.Although this was always in me, since being disconnected it is extremely painful as a I want to connect but it doesn't quite work inside (if that makes sense). So far I have taken:

- 25mg for 2 weeks (mild effect on the depression, but noticable as I had been very low indeed)

- 50mg for 2 weeks (oddly I didn't feel any benefit from increasing to this. if anything I felt very slightly worse. Hard to judge)

- 75mg for 2 days (realising I was supposed to titrate up to 100mg at this point, I switched up after a couple of days. No appreciable difference. Slightly less depressed)

- 100mg for 1 week (fairly significant reduction in depression, rumination. Generally a bit more relaxed and able to be more calm internally at work. As a result my sense of humour has returned a little bit and work relationships have slightly improved - despite some people ducking their head when they walk past after my time off)

- 150mg 2 days so far (as with 100mg but slightly more pronounced benefits)

Also taking Citalopram 40mg although to me this feels like a placebo.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to curl up into a ball often but part of me now realises that is not helpful and is more motivated to get on with my life. Its easier to get up in the morning, I sometimes look forward to work and I am able to turn the TV off in the evening and be with myself a bit rather than dissasociating from my discomfort even more.

For me the single thing that gives me the most relief, apart from the medication, is sitting there on my own - no TV, no phone, no books nothing at all - and forcing myself to be with myself and my thoughts. Seriously uncomfortable to start off with but it helps after a very short space of time. You can't escape yourself after all...

** Something strange though which I've noticed, I have been getting headaches for a while (I assume because of the depression) which have abated a little, but when I stand up quickly and I get dizzy for a moment everything becomes real while my head is spinning and things come into focus - assuming I don't panic and fight it. My headache also goes.*

*** I'd really like to know if this happens to anyone at all. Thinking about going for a brain scan just to be on the safe side.*

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Forgot to mention, I have read that many people get to a point where its like a light goes on in their head or a switch just flips, but my experience so far is that for symptoms other than the depersonalisation itself the effect of Lamictal has been linear. I am hoping of course that I wake up one morning and go "Shit, its gone - now I can enjoy ridiculously simple things and wander around with a child like grin looking like a loony" 

Peace and love. Write down your thoughts and if you have any questions let me know. Happy to help


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## TickleMeElmo (Jan 20, 2009)

I'm thinking about getting a scan done (SPECT possibly) to see if there is any patterns which indicate an underlying condition and also to find out if there is any physical causes (lumps, bumps or maybe a blockage). Thought this might be a good idea given when I get the dizziness from standing quickly up sometimes the symptoms lessen.


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## TickleMeElmo (Jan 20, 2009)

Sorry I haven't been on fro a while, life has taken over!

So update on the medication:

I went up to Lamictal 200mg and 40mg of Citalopram, apart from a slight lift in depression and feeling a little bit less wobbly there was no effect at all on the DP. Very sad  I was really hopeful on this front, sadly it was not to be.

The next step was Pregabalin for anxiety and general hyped up nervous system. On reflection back through my life I've always been overly sensitive, been particularly sensitive to pain so it sort of makes sense to take a medication that basically helps release GABA into your brain to decrease the effect of excitory neurotransmitters.

So I've been on this 3 weeks or so going from 150mg > 300mg > 450mg.


150mg -> noticeable effect immediately on the nerves and cloudiness of thinking, definitely noticeable.
300mg -> not noticing a proportionate change from 150mg, but tbh its a bit difficult to tell after going from nothing to something!
450mg -> same again, not proportional BUT i noticed quite a few moments when I've felt more relaxed around people, optimistic about the future (and not so bound by the past) and definitely had a general feeling of being more real to myself and the world feeling more real. Noticed things like washing my hands felt much more real...they almost felt like my hands and I could feel the water and soap more clearly. Nice feeling

Still by no means normal, but have some kind of improvement is terrific!

The only issue with these tablets is that they are pretty hard to get on the NHS. More expensive than most of the anti anxiety medication, so you have to go through the usual process of trying this, trying that until thats the last option. Annoying to have to wait but sort of good to eliminate things to.

My GP practice is closing so I'm not sure how my repeat is gonna go down with the new guys, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Got some headroom...supposed to go up to 600mg shortly.

No side effects, but drinking even a couple makes me feel weird in the moment - sort of wobbly and hungover?

Weirdly the specialist (I don't like to say psychiatrist ) was also taking it but for back pain so I felt way way better about taking it.

Interestingly when I went in to pick up my prescription a couple of weeks ago, got chatting to the pharmacologist about the most common prescribed drugs. Apparently it anxiety, depression and diabetes by quite a long way. He said particularly anxiety and depression were on the rise. Must say something about the modern world we live in...

Hope you're all getting where you want to be 

Peter


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