# Same as it ever was!



## sjkdfjsdlf (Apr 8, 2008)

For reasons I can't truly explain, when I think this thought, a sense of calm goes over me and I feel truly MYSELF. I know that many things I do nowadays are exactly how I did them before. Despite the hell I'm feeling at times, I'm still a shy person, I still treat people with respect, I still love art and music, and I still have a loving family. My health is great even though my nerves can be shot. It's not just about counting your blessings (though that is crucial), but a reassurance that you will be OK. That you ARE okay.

So one of the first nights I experienced severe DP, I had a moment of relief when I thought back to my past. As a child I would remember feeling similar sensations while watching TV, reactions to light and sound, very repetitive thoughts, guilt and future anxiety, etc. That was when I was in elementary school. You know what? I got over it, and had a great middle school and HS life. I had problems and sadness, but I knew how to let it blow over me. For the most part I was a fun-loving person who would seek comfort and often receive it from simple things. I'm still that way.

I notice we tend to sugarcoat the past, but realizing that DP can be present in EVERYONE, just at varying levels, is something to think about. Think about this: "*It's always been there, it just varies in intensity."* So, when I was a child it was pretty high. I had a lot of time to think and would worry about telling everything I thought to my mom. I'd have disturbing dreams and OCD obsessions, though it wasn't pinpointed by anyone else. It doesn't mean I didn't have a happy childhood! And it didn't mean I was scarred for the rest of my life..because I wasn't!

In fact, the memory of bad times allows us to feel strong in that we've overcome them!

Comparing yourself to the way you were just helps in explaining the whole distorted vision of "self" many people have after one panic or DP episode.. ok this is an excerpt from my journal about a week before feeling the depersonalization symptoms:

_"I'm always able to trip myself out when it comes to questioning reality.. although there's no reason we should be certain about anything. Ever think that we could be other creatures' guinea pigs? Beyond the sky atmosphere that we see, beyond the solar system and galaxies, there could be some creature containing us in their little experiment, laughing at these things they call who knows what, while we call ourselves humans."_

I mean, I've always been inside my own head when I felt like it.. as I'm sure many of you (and your friends, family, pets etc) have! It's just letting it go to the next level that lets it be DP. It seems like an ailment of the philosopher. I used to tell myself one of my major issues was that I had a discontinuity of the self. I felt like "me" of yesterday was different from "me" of today. No, I am not and have never been bipolar.

Many of us seem like creative types, am I wrong? I've read lots on very spiritual, intuitive and creative thinkers around these threads, so that's something to be proud of and to understand how anxiety stems from overanalyzing.

I feel like I'm going to get out of this being LESS sentimental, which may be a good thing. I used to hold to my past as if it were a comfort blanket, since the future would scare me, people were changing and my memories seemed to be all that I had. They were what I lived for. But to step out of the EGO and face the future is to live well. Taking care of your body, helping other people (externalizing) and NOT TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY will help. Sorry, I've been in and out of recovery and I had an illness recently that made me feel kinda low.. Hope you don't mind me sharing what helped me many times, hope it wasn't too disjointed :?


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

i really needed to hear this. thank you so much.


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## singer24 (Sep 30, 2008)

great post..very positive 
xxx


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## sjkdfjsdlf (Apr 8, 2008)

Thanks you guys. I really think it was these kind of thoughts that helped me be myself again so soon after my first episode. I think our "inner chatter" has so much more impact on us than anything!

Just think.. anxiety/panic gives "jelly legs", the feeling that you're having a heart attack, hyperventilation, blurry vision.. It's not just some mysterious illness we have, just a state of mind.

Please anyone, if you don't mind would you share some stories of your past, to where you had DP thoughts but not the actual full-blown episode? I think it helps to think about it.


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## sjkdfjsdlf (Apr 8, 2008)

Everyone.. I posted a video (well, pt 1 and pt 2 videos) on youtube... I told myself I'd never do this :? but here it is
Won't let me post the entire link but it's youtube . com and then
/watch?v=6U0FQQAuF8Y

I'd like to hear from you all and know your progress. Thanks


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