# My latest calamity



## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Just to keep you up to date with my catalouge of disasters.

I was talking to a girl in a bar yesterday, sober, and I fell off the stool. For gods sake.


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I think we should make this into a thread where everyone pitches in and tells us their own latest disaster. Mine?

I had my friends boyfriend ringing me last night telling me he "knew where I lived" and that he was coming round for "a word". I didn't know what the hell he was thinking, so I told him I was out, and would be at work the next day - then he asked when I was at work so he could find me there.

Eventually I managed to get him to go round to my friends (his girlfriend's) house rather than my own. She tried to calm him down a little, but apparently he had just flipped out and gone possessively crazy.

Turns out that one of my other friends had told him me and her were "messing around" together at the weekend. So he wants to kill me lol. But the worst thing is that nothing has happened whatsoever - and she's just a mate.

I'm probably going to have to confront him tonight, regardless.


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## Guest (Sep 16, 2005)

I offered to help a student with their brand new laptop and launched it down the stairs by accident.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

:lol: That is a classic Mr Mole. I can just imagine your embarrasment.

I've got quite a list, so let's begin with the obvious:

1.)Got caught by my mother doing the five knuckle shuffle, while wearing my sisters bra. (disclaimer - I was 15 years old)

2.)Didn't realise my ex-boss was a man > woman transexual and tried to come on to her/him. I only realised the truth when she gave the game away by farting like an elephant.

3.)Poured bleach in the bath instead of bubble-bath

4.)Locked myself IN a Caravan. I had to punch a hole in the wall and rip it open.

5.)Slept in a bin, in the snow.

I'll keep you updated.


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## Guest (Sep 16, 2005)

I went to my friends house couple of days ago (can?t tell you when exactly, no wonder, huh?)

I met her mother on the stairs, but I thought its my friend, not her mother, so I said some kinda bullshit like: "Hey let?s go outside with dogs allright?" Well just then I realised who I was talking to. Uuuuhh.

Then I met her boyfriend upstairs, he was watching Big Brother on TV. So I said: "Oh man, you?re watching this crap?" he turn around like: "Well, yeah...?" And it was not her boyfriend, but her grandpa.

I don?t need to explain to her what?s wrong with me anymore, do I?


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## falling_free (Nov 3, 2004)

Im psedeo humped by a dog after getting drunk off absinthe.

Also someone slapped there member in my face while I was on the ground once.

Im lame and not hardcore at all


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

> Im psedeo humped by a dog after getting drunk off absinthe.


Me too. She was my ex-wife.


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## falling_free (Nov 3, 2004)

The lol


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## SillyPutty (Mar 29, 2005)

Martin, slept in a bin? in the snow? I'd like to know more about that one.

and why were you wearing a bra, do guys like that?


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

No, I think that the age of 15... Martin... infact HAD to wear a bra.

Sorry. Joke.


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

I know hes just gonna kick my arse now.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I'll have you know I am quite proud of my man breasts. I don't need to buy milk.

Wearing a bra....hee hee.....well, you know, kids experiment. I've never done it since. Well, not for free anyway.

The bin thing is simple. I missed my train home, 3am in the morning, so I decided to sleep in a bin. It wasn't big enough to fit the entirety of my bulk inside, so I woke up with a foot of snow on my head.


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## SillyPutty (Mar 29, 2005)

forgive my ignorance but what is a "bin" like a garbage bin? and if not then what are they and why are they just sitting on the streets?


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Was it a wheelie bin?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Yes, it was a wheelie bin. You can imagine the scene.


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Have you had worse night sleeps or was it that? lol. :lol:


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Heh... yeah... I can imagine the scene now... something like this...


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

martin, i would think it incredibly cute if a guy at a bar was hitting on me and fell off of his chair...especially if he was sober at the time. it would get me in the sack waaayyyy quicher than if he were just feeding me pat lines and trying to be all smooth. and guys who wear makeup can be very sexy...

i don't know about a guy in a dumpster, though... :lol:

here are a couple of my wierd drunken experiences (not all of them though...i've had quite a few)...
-puked on top of a bar with tons of people standing around. they made me clean it up.

-met a japanese guy and proceeded to speak spanish (the whole night) with him because i was convinced at the time that every foreign language was the same thing and he could understand me.


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Pixies quote!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

hey! i have had that as my quote when you were still in diapers :lol:


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

I'm very expressive with pictures if you haven't noticed, lol. :lol:


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

in fact...maybe you saw that as MY quote, and decided to use a different part of the same song 'cause you wanna be just like me....maybe THAT'S what happened, eh?


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Ohhhhhhhhhh no no no no no.

I remember you complimenting me on another post once about my quote.

Lemme just find it and quote it.

:twisted:


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Damnit, can't find it, but YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

and when i complimented your quote i thought you'd notice...but you didn't until just now...

you can ask sebastian...it really has been my quote for like 6 months.

well, at any rate, we both agree that we have fantastic quotes!


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

Oh, I wasn't bothered, sorry if u got that impression. :lol:


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

agentcooper said:


> you can ask sebastian...it really has been my quote for like 6 months.


She speaketh the truth!



agentcooper said:


> martin, i would think it incredibly cute if a guy at a bar was hitting on me and fell off of his chair...especially if he was sober at the time. it would get me in the sack waaayyyy quicher than if he were just feeding me pat lines and trying to be all smooth. . and guys who wear makeup can be very sexy...


And A.C., just so you know, i'm perfectly capable of falling off of chairs. I can even dress up like a clown and walk into doors if you're into that!

Martin: Did you manage to say something clever like, "Hey, if you're trying to sweep me off my feet, good job!"

s.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Actually, Coop, I may not fit the type exactly, but i know someone who does. He falls off a lot of chairs...wears a lot of makeup...

He is...










BOZO THE CLOWN!!!


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## Imagine (Oct 24, 2004)

He scares the shit outta me.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

bra

bra?
!


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

Imagine said:


> Oh, I wasn't bothered, sorry if u got that impression. :lol:


i know


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

sebastian said:


> Actually, Coop, I may not fit the type exactly, but i know someone who does. He falls off a lot of chairs...wears a lot of makeup...
> 
> He is...
> 
> ...


whew, i almost fell off MY chair when i saw that pic!

tooooo sexy!


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

:lol:

Yep, that's me crawling out of my bin. 

No Sebastian, I didn't have my wits around me. And it wasn't a gracefull fall to the floor - like a swan landing on a lake. In the middle of a conversation I suddenly realised my gigantic arse was slipping off the chair, so my eyes bulged out in terror, I grabbed the bar and thrashed my legs around a bit to try and stabalise myself, then fell backwards, limbs flailing, smack on to the floor, where I lay for a few shocked seconds, looking up at the women with a *** half hanging out of my mouth. She stayed for a little longer, drank her drink then left.

And, Agent Cooper, women find that sexy? :shock: If so, I can do much better than that. And I'm going to think long and hard about it.



> -met a japanese guy and proceeded to speak spanish (the whole night) with him because i was convinced at the time that every foreign language was the same thing and he could understand me.


 :lol: :lol: Sweet holy Jesus. Only in America. I had a double PhD work colleague, an American,who thought that German, French, etc, where just 'accents' of English. She didn't realise they were distinct languages in themselves, and, to quote; 'Why do the german soldiers speak english in those war films?". Despite my extensive resources of sarcasm, I was speechless.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I 'Slept' with a prostitute last night.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

Martinelv said:


> I 'Slept' with a prostitute last night.


Really? Please give details. That actually warrants it's own thread i would think. I've never actually purchased the favours of a prostitute except in asian countries where language was a barrier and i was sort of hoodwinked into it. Usually i just thought i was doing exceptionally well until the morning after when i heard the ego-deflating "You pay now", and i'd feel obliged.

But please, rain the details upon us Martin. I'd love to hear how this came about.

s.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Yeah I want all the details too. Do all men sleep with prostitues and us women just don't know it? I've got no problem with prostitution, just don't want my man doing it!!!


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

g-funk said:


> Yeah I want all the details too. Do all men sleep with prostitues and us women just don't know it? I've got no problem with prostitution, just don't want my man doing it!!!


Yes. All men do. And then we giggle about it behind your back. :wink:


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Yeah, well, I'd just moved into my new house - went out and got hammered and on the way home, feeling drunk and horney, got approached by several prozzies asking if I wanted business. I said, for the first time ever, yeah. One of them said, OK, twenty quid, I'll be back in a minute. Needless to say, she didn't. So wandered off home and was approached by a poor little thing, who asked me again, as seeing as I was outside my front door and she looked like she could do with a cup of tea (and to be honest, I really wasn't bothered about the evil deed by now), so invited her in and said she could spend the night on the sofa and I'll give her ?20. Yes, that's me, the bleeding heart humanitarian. Anyway, she did, but she also insisted on doing the 'dirty deed' even though I wasn't bothered. I feel asleep, woke up the next morning and she was making a cup of tea, asking if I minded. I said, not at all. She gulped her tea and left, and all my valuables are still there ! So that's it. The sex was unremarkable, partly because she insisted on me wearing 15 condoms, and partly because I wasn't in the mood and partly because...well...it's not really my kind of thing. Won't do it again.


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## SillyPutty (Mar 29, 2005)

Ah, the shamelessness of men never ceases to amaze me!


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

What's shame got to do with it?


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## Guest (Oct 5, 2005)

*shamelessness of SOME men*

never put a blanket over a group of people.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Yeah, you've got to remember that some people have not one iota of shame in the first place. Pride, yes, shame, no. It's a subtle difference.


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## Guest (Oct 5, 2005)

I wasn't referring to you Martin. I was referring to the fact when women think of ALL men or vice versa as a bunch of 'shameless pigs.' I am a shameless pig myself, but I defend all the nice guys out there that aren't!


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

I can tell this is going to turn into a hot-button topic, and i'm glad.

I think i'll say something to stoke the fires:

There's nothing wrong with men sleeping with prostitutes.

It's honest and leaves both parties feeling as though they've gained something (Please insert venereal disease joke here). Seriously though, the only reason i don't frequent prostitutes is because they're too expensive and because "just sex", meaning sex devoid of real intimacy, usually isn't that interesting. Now, going to a prostitute that would allow me to debase her or would debase me or engage in a sundry of kinky and unconventional tabooes (as opposed to the conventional tabooes) would be an experience, and if i could afford it, i would most likely partake as i've yet to find the right woman who would be willing to explore these forbidden avenues with me.

Basically, what it comes down to for me is that sex with someone you love is the best kind. It really is. Because you get into a whole new spiritual side of it. Plain old sex is pretty boring unless it has the potential to lead into something new (which is why most prostitutes wouldn't really be worth sampling...especially given the exoritant amounts they charge). But kinky, absurd, and boundary-obliterating sex would either be interesting or cathartic. And i think it would be a shame going through life without paying it a visit.

Anyway, that's my take on it.

s.


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## SillyPutty (Mar 29, 2005)

Martin I was just sassin' ya, no offense. And for the sake of not sounding like a narrow minded feminist, I retract the statement completely!!


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## Guest (Oct 5, 2005)

"All women are prostitutes."
--_The Pornographers_










anyone seen this movie?


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I can't believe I actually did it. It doesn't really fit in with my quasi-romantic ideal of myself. Sex was unimportant. I have become a lonely old man at the age of 34. I just needed some company. Sad eh?

Anyway, it's another tick on the list of things to do.

I feel slightly disgusted with myself for doing it. Not too much. Not enough to keep me awake at night. I feel a little dirty at paying a girl for sex. I feel slightly sorry for her, but again - not enough to bring me out in cold sweats. All in all, it left a mildly bad taste in my mouth, but either I'm really not too bothered about it, or it's been locked away in my unconscious to stew with all the other sh*t in there. We'll see.


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