# I can't do this



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I have been in a mental hell all day long and I am seriously thinking about going back to the psych ward. Not because I think they can do anything for me. I know they can't. But because I am thinking such irrational thoughts that I feel like I might need to be kept from making horrible decisions.

I cannot function like this without any support anymore. I still get days where I am in complete terror. Where I fight just for enough control to not freak out. I cannot do this alone. Call me immature or childish or co-dependent or whatever you feel you need to call me but I NEED someone to depend on. I am SICK. Mentally sick and terrified and I need my mommy or some comforting person to cling to and tell that I'm not ok and cry like a baby. And I don't have that at all and I CANNOT deal with it. I am terrified and completely alone and I have no idea how I am going to do it.

I just cannot handle the pressure of my life. I can't hold down the job and take care of the kids and act like I'm normal because I'm not freaking normal. I honestly don't even know how some of you make it. But I think most of you still live with parents or family. Is there anyone else who is completely alone? I know that it seems ideal to say to just screw everyone and depend on yourself but I can't. I have been this way my entire life. I slept on my parents bedroom floor well into my teens because I was terrified to be alone at night. I've developed deep attachements to every man who has come into my life because I need that comfort. And now that comfort is gone and I cannot handle it and I don't know what to do.

I have been somewhere else in my head today. I haven't been able to tell what is real and what isn't or who I am. I have been getting caught up in deep waking dreams and today caught myself thinking about my marriage and my dp and weighing being alone with dp or dealing with the marriage and deciding that I'd rather have the comfort of having someone there than be alone. Then I had to mentally rip myself back to reality and remind myself that even that isn't an option anymore. I am bawling as I write all of this and right now I just want to call one of my parents and tell them that I cannot handle my life and I need them to take care of me. Because that's how I feel and even they are not there. I want to quit my job, give custody of my daughter to her father and go live in a facility for mentally ill people because I cannot hold this charade together anymore. I don't feel well enough to be responsible for all of the things that I am responsible for. I just need to face that I'm sick and it's not getting better but I don't really know where to go from here because I don't have anyone to depend on or anywhere to turn.

I am just so sick of the fight with the terror and the fight to stay in control every single day. I just can't do it anymore.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Sarah, I don't know if I can provide any words of comfort or solace for you, but I can only imagine how truly terrifying and scary it must be to not have anyone to go to or depend on when times get tough. I guess I am very lucky in a sense to still be living with my parents and have the support of many people. I wish there was someone on the forums who lived close enough to you who you could stay with for awhile. No one should have to endure being alone, especially when having to deal with the hell of dp/dr. I'm thinking of you. Sending you big hugs from California. **hugs**


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

insaticiable said:


> Sarah, I don't know if I can provide any words of comfort or solace for you, but I can only imagine how truly terrifying and scary it must be to not have anyone to go to or depend on when times get tough. I guess I am very lucky in a sense to still be living with my parents and have the support of many people. I wish there was someone on the forums who lived close enough to you who you could stay with for awhile. No one should have to endure being alone, especially when having to deal with the hell of dp/dr. I'm thinking of you. Sending you big hugs from California. **hugs**


Thank you love


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

If you go there and tell them that you are suicidal by law they will be forced to keep you there for 3 days and force you to take medication. After 3 days you will be re-evaluated and if you do not appear stable they will put you on a 3 week hold. If you admit yourself and say something to the effect that you have just been really stressed out and feel like your brain is shutting down and need a break from the environment you are in you will have more freedom and most likely they wont force you to take medication. Just be careful in what you say if you aren't planning on staying long term. If you want to stay long term and give medication a shot then say whatever you want.


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## kerplunkett (Jan 3, 2011)

yes, id like to just say thank you for making think about what i have and not taking it for granted. i know this isnt enough but just know we are here to help just as we want help from you. you really need to do what you have to do, just do NOT hurt urself in anyway, ur here for a reason and make that reason count . dont let dp win this battle


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## china77 (Aug 27, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I have been in a mental hell all day long and I am seriously thinking about going back to the psych ward. Not because I think they can do anything for me. I know they can't. But because I am thinking such irrational thoughts that I feel like I might need to be kept from making horrible decisions.
> 
> I cannot function like this without any support anymore. I still get days where I am in complete terror. Where I fight just for enough control to not freak out. I cannot do this alone. Call me immature or childish or co-dependent or whatever you feel you need to call me but I NEED someone to depend on. I am SICK. Mentally sick and terrified and I need my mommy or some comforting person to cling to and tell that I'm not ok and cry like a baby. And I don't have that at all and I CANNOT deal with it. I am terrified and completely alone and I have no idea how I am going to do it.
> 
> ...


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## china77 (Aug 27, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I have been in a mental hell all day long and I am seriously thinking about going back to the psych ward. Not because I think they can do anything for me. I know they can't. But because I am thinking such irrational thoughts that I feel like I might need to be kept from making horrible decisions.
> 
> I cannot function like this without any support anymore. I still get days where I am in complete terror. Where I fight just for enough control to not freak out. I cannot do this alone. Call me immature or childish or co-dependent or whatever you feel you need to call me but I NEED someone to depend on. I am SICK. Mentally sick and terrified and I need my mommy or some comforting person to cling to and tell that I'm not ok and cry like a baby. And I don't have that at all and I CANNOT deal with it. I am terrified and completely alone and I have no idea how I am going to do it.
> 
> ...


Girl you have got to relax. This is hard and I know it and still im trying to get over it, but I'm learning. Feeling this way is an addiction, we need to learn how to break it, its an obsession. We are choosing to to think this way. Its a habit. Break the habit and tell yourself to stop. One day you should go in a room by yourself or out in public or something and fear whatever is you are fearing and let it just come on, bring the anxiety force the anxiety on. you will realize that it cant hurt you. It tricks you into believing that it can. But its all in the mind and nobody can control it but you. People think what they want to think, if you believe that you are sick or whatever than you are. You are the only one that can control your thoughts. This is what has been helping me alot. Its an obsession and you can get over it, trust me its nothing more than a bad habit that you have to break. Just like if you just met a guy and you fall in love and you do nothing but obsess(think)about him its the same thing it just a good obsession but still you are choosing to think about him and when things dont work out you still obsess(think) about him but it gradually fades away until you completly forget about it him. You got to have a diversion or something from these thoughts it helps. But just remember you are in control of your thinking.


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

Yeah I'm the same except I still live with my family. Sometimes I go and sleep in someone's extra bed in their room cause I can't stand being alone. I get caught up in fantasies both scary, sad, and happy and get emotionally involved in them. Every guy I meet that pays some attention to me I become completley attached to him. Even if he treats me like crap and doesn't care about me or if he's a weirdo. I cry everyday multiple times, alone in my room without anyone noticing. I have bad thoughts and want to go to the hospital but know they can't really help me and I'm scared of them anyway and it feels kind of degrading the way they treat you without really caring about you. I don't know what to do...I'm hoping it goes away in the summer when there's sun cause it's always better when there's sunshine.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

I feel really sorry for you. Can you tell your local pastor about your problems? Sometimes they know people who can help. How about your doctor? Maybe a change in meds will help. And maybe try taking up transcendental meditation or other relaxation techniques like yoga. When things get really weird just try some meditation right away.


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## Strangerdanger (Oct 3, 2010)

im so sorry. I know that has to be so hard to be at this all alone. I can kind of relate because I haven't told anyone about my condition, but I do still live with my family. but I do not think you should give up on yourself. You are a beautiful person, an encourager, and a good friend to people you hardly even know on the internet. So I know you have to be an amazing mother and friend to those around you in your life. They love you and your internet stranger friends love you. You are going to get through this and you are going to be an encouragement and a comfort to people who are suffering the same way you are right now. You are going to get through this number one for yourself because you can do it and number two for the other people who you are going to help along the way. I know you can get through this you just have to BELIEVE you can! this is a weird suggestion but take a bubble bath and put your ears under the water and listen to your breath and it's easier to follow your thoughts this way. And catch the lies you are telling yourself like or when you get lost in an emotion and change it. It will feel weird but start telling yourself "am going to get better. I am getting better every day." you are an amazing person so don't give up.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Thank you all so much for your replies. I've done a lot of thinking and realized that I am just taking on too much at once. Even if these situations in my life are true, I've realized I cannot allow myself to think past today. So from now on, my entire world is going to exist only in today. I cannot think about anything bigger than what is right in front of me. Can't think about getting better or not getting better, can't think about being alone, can't think about my lack of a family, can't think about anything but what I have to do right now. I feel calmer this way. My world needs to be very simple and I have to push away every anxious thought that pops in my mind. My world has to only be rooted in today.


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> Thank you all so much for your replies. I've done a lot of thinking and realized that I am just taking on too much at once. Even if these situations in my life are true, I've realized I cannot allow myself to think past today. So from now on, my entire world is going to exist only in today. I cannot think about anything bigger than what is right in front of me. Can't think about getting better or not getting better, can't think about being alone, can't think about my lack of a family, can't think about anything but what I have to do right now. I feel calmer this way. My world needs to be very simple and I have to push away every anxious thought that pops in my mind. My world has to only be rooted in today.


I had a big smile on my face when i read this.


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