# had enough



## Guest (Sep 3, 2008)

Anxiety is killing me.........i go home,i get anxious,i cant sleep,i take valium it doesnt do much,..i cant take the anxiety anymore so i phone my dad and ask to come here and sleep on the sofa,he winges..i yell shit about noone giving a fuck about me..he picks me up and here i am.....typing a load of bullshit onto an internet forum which isnt gonna make a blind bit of fucking difference because noone is this fucking world gives a flying fuck and im sick of every damn selfish person in it...every fucking night is the same, ok well some nights are better than others but what does it matter when you know its gonna get bad again......and ive had enough..im tired,so so tired...dont think anyones noticed but these last few monthes ive been losing the plot again whilst pretending i havnt,im good at that..to good for my own good at it...........i keep considering taking every benzo i have in the house just to get some peace from it..a break..a rest...i know this is not the place to say it but im not looking for anyone to say "dont do that blah blah blah"...i just cant stand the nights on my own,i get all kinds of shit going through my mind..worst case senarios.....have a constant sence of danger and impending doom....it gets to a point where i dont want to feel anything anymore....and i really want to get off my face right now.I dont know the solution,i dont know what im supposed to do anymore...no matter how hard i try and ive come along way in getting better...theres still so far to go,its like somone keeps moving the fucking finishing line..and i want it to fucking stop already.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

What can anybody say.



I want it to stop for you too.

When I was like that I drank. 
Then I discovered clonazepam and my life changed.
Then I discovered this place and it changed again.

Quiting smoking is taking you over the top maybe.
Blame it on that.

Peoples brains just piss me off.

Maybe just get pissed once.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

i know EXACTLY how u feel, im like it everyday. just want some goddamn peace of mind. just keep on living, its the onlything u can do, nd know ur not the nly one like it. i cant sleep, function, think straight, do anything really. i feel trapped like this forever, intense fear dread sweeps over me, its indescribable, feel like the devilhas just brushed me


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

I don't often go into the details of people from here because I can not focus for long periods of time while being serious. Hence why I'm not seroius.

As we all know, they say meds are only for short-term periods, although for some people they are long-term, I say this because I beleive you do not need meds for anxiety (Although I say this on assumptions, if you have anxiety due to hearing voices in your head etc, well that's another matter). You need to find the core of the anxiety with a "professional", if you do self CBT you are very likley to over look and turn into the information to nonsense, because you need a "fresh" mind to help go though these issues with you, I say fresh because I mean some one who is a pro and is happy. You're key goal here Spirit is to seek out a CBT, if you've already had one or two... they weren't right for you, each and every person has a different personality... you need to find the suitable CBT for you. Easy said than done, I know because I can recall the emotions I felt back in my days. We're here for you, although we're not "here"... we state our emotions in black and white... and it's not enough for a person who needs love.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

its the not the stoping smoking...ive just smoked two ciggys :? ....this has been like this for ages now and im at breaking point again..,thats why i was staying up all night and sleeping through the day....well now it seems im going to be back at that again.Valium is not enough,it wont change this because i have so much unresolved fear in me it just finds new ways to manifest itself..i live alone which i like but not at night,maybe its borderline personality thing..ive had a prob with this weird alone feeling at night time since a very young child.i used to sit in my room and think things like "What if my bedroom detached itself from the rest of the house and flew away like dorothys did out of the wizard of oz"...I would feel so lost and alone like i was the only person existing in those moments like everyone else had gone..it terified me.....i would sit staring into the blackness of night thinking about death..what was i before i was born and where do i go afterwards,the thought of becoming nothing horrified me to tears...., 
drinking yes been there to and thats what im thinking of now.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> IAs we all know, they say meds are only for short-term periods, although for some people they are long-term, I say this because I beleive you do not need meds for anxiety (Although I say this on assumptions,


No im supposed to take meds but i avoid them..i know i need them but dont like them..i see your point though...im currently on the waiting list for cognitive analytical therapy for borderline pd.....but it doesnt help me now..i understand i need a "pro" there has only been so much i can resolve myself..i still have issues that need working out..

Exactly, youre not here...noone is here...noone has ever been there.All i have is a bunch of unfillilled good intentions of people saying theyll be there but eventually letting me down....i start to beleive i am lost in a world of evil people that i do not understand and that someone put me here by accident..

thanks anyway.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

dancingwobbler said:


> i know EXACTLY how u feel, im like it everyday. just want some goddamn peace of mind. just keep on living, its the onlything u can do, nd know ur not the nly one like it. i cant sleep, function, think straight, do anything really. i feel trapped like this forever, intense fear dread sweeps over me, its indescribable, feel like the devilhas just brushed me


I know you "get it" Dancingwobbler i can tell from your posts.Although im pretty functional now[well not at this moment],im just still left with the anxiety...i can handle the ups and downs pretty much..its just the anxiety,its not like normal anxiety,for years i suffered extrene panic attacks and got over them but that was nothing compared to this..this is just constant fear....and like the whole worlds turned black with danger.


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## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

^^^^^ what u said there is basically identical to how im feeling, fear which ive never felt before etc etc if it gets unberable i usually just take a shower and then just drink myself into oblivion!


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

I have had this.
I ended up in the hospital.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

yeah, it usually ends with me being put in the psych ward.I have managed to stay out of the psych ward since nov 2006 though.I was in there quite a few times.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Hey Spirit,

After reading your post... I feel for you. I feel for you with the "I had enough" stuff. I've come to that point several times and again, now. You posting your vent was i think a good thing because you let it out.

Spirit, i believe that you are a wonderful person and I'm sure everyone agrees.

Girl, I think you deserve a getaway. A getaway to get away from all that shiz you are going through.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

Spirit said:


> Emulated Puppet}eer said:
> 
> 
> > IAs we all know, they say meds are only for short-term periods, although for some people they are long-term, I say this because I beleive you do not need meds for anxiety (Although I say this on assumptions,
> ...


May I ask why you avoid them, each to their own yes, although I'm interested if you wish to share. Good good... you just keep waiting bout three years and you'll be sorted lol (how long left are you on the waiting list?) Iron out the issues with someone else who is willin to help you (it's unlikly to be a love one, although after you're sorted to can get into a relationship full of love, although you won't need it as much because you'll love yourself by then, and yes you can start to love yourself, I should know; I love myself every night :mrgreen: )

*Jumps on the back of you* yesh we're not here although we "act" as if we are... The only one you're letting down is yourself (ouch that was nasty, although it's one of those gotta be nasty to be nice) because if you depend on others to help you, you'll only end up hurt (as you know) because at the moment you could be coming off as a "needy" person (I was) and it limits people's interest in you, although they might use you for a short-period of their time; when it comes to you needed help, they won't be there; Hence you need to be your own best friend in order to make sincere friends (I'm good at this aren't I? I should be asking for cash for my palpay account which is - [email protected] folks... :mrgreen: every penny costs towards my pints of beer).

You're welcome


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Spirit, you must be borderline, borderline personality disorder. Anyone I have known who has it acts like they are from outer space.
No taking meds is typical BPD behavior.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

hazelnutta said:


> Hey Spirit,
> 
> After reading your post... I feel for you. I feel for you with the "I had enough" stuff. I've come to that point several times and again, now. You posting your vent was i think a good thing because you let it out.
> 
> ...


Hi Hazel thanks i dont think im wonderful,im alright though.  ..Youre wonderful to.I do need a getaway,but cant afford it 



Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> May I ask why you avoid them, each to their own yes, although I'm interested if you wish to share. Good good... you just keep waiting bout three years and you'll be sorted lol (how long left are you on the waiting list?) Iron out the issues with someone else who is willin to help you (it's unlikly to be a love one, although after you're sorted to can get into a relationship full of love, although you won't need it as much because you'll love yourself by then, and yes you can start to love yourself, I should know; I love myself every night :mrgreen: )
> 
> *Jumps on the back of you* yesh we're not here although we "act" as if we are... The only one you're letting down is yourself (ouch that was nasty, although it's one of those gotta be nasty to be nice) because if you depend on others to help you, you'll only end up hurt (as you know) because at the moment you could be coming off as a "needy" person (I was) and it limits people's interest in you, although they might use you for a short-period of their time; when it comes to you needed help, they won't be there; Hence you need to be your own best friend in order to make sincere friends (I'm good at this aren't I? I should be asking for cash for my palpay account which is - [email protected] folks... :mrgreen: every penny costs towards my pints of beer).
> 
> You're welcome


Darren I dont dislike myself..i think youre projecting the issues you had onto me...this is not just psychological anymore its biological...the psychiatrists are one step away friom calling me bipolar..i see my psych again in a bout 10 days so we,ll see what happens then.I dont think im letting myself down either...in what way would you "presume" im doing that?.I NEVER allow myself to depend on others infact thats something i do have a psychological issue with...i dont trust anyone to depend on them...i never let myself be THAT vulnerable.I dont think im depending on you guys..i just use this place to vent and maybe to just get an unconditional ear..not a hand me down carbon copy of the script of someone elses therapy session thrown at me.oh yeah but thanks for that Darren.... .i dont need anyone to tell me whats "wrong" with me...



Mark said:


> Spirit, you must be borderline, borderline personality disorder. Anyone I have known who has it acts like they are from outer space.
> No taking meds is typical BPD behavior.


Lol....shakes head..no shit ...but theres more going on..my cpa [clinical psychiatric reveiw] letters say "Appears to be in remission of borderline personality disorder"...Trust me ,you have NOT known me as a borderline...i was a total fucking out of control nightmare when my bpd was running a mock..i dont even get bpd rage anymore i just aggitated and irritable when my mood is switching....No the psychiatrist is now focusing on my rapid cycling moods which are getting worse despite the bpd getting better.Its not just bpds that refuse meds either...my prob with meds[to answar Darrens question here also] is that i never knew what to take...ssris sent me extremley hyper and insane...antidepressants do that generally to me now........because my mood never stays up or down for long enough to know what med to take.......my options now are mood stabilizers but im worried theyll make me feel flat and dull and i like being "up".....i dont wanna lose my passion and inspiration.....and apparently im in denial about bipolar.its something im working on..and am considering medication at this point.Though today i brought alcohol so tonight im getting shit faced.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

The rapid cycling moods is strange. Bipolar is not rapid is it?
Anyway, I get that rapid mood thing sometimes. One doctor thought I was ADD. But I am not. I obsess over one thing not jump all over the place.
For the rapid mood cycles I take Serequel. I still get plenty inspired and a good night sleep. I stopped taking if for a wile and I got a bit messed up.

This guy went of all his meds at once.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

[


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

You pwned me =(... lol.


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

Lol Mark..... :shock: ...this guy  took to much Acid,why do i say that?...get it right you get a ermmm lemme think ermms. :idea: ping....A date with this lovley lady--> :mrgreen: ...she wantsya..

Well im not an expert on it,its not something I want or have accepted yet at all,not one little bit,so ive not really looked into it much if at all.I think there are differant types of bipolar as it goes.... rapid cycling,ultra rapid cycling,ultra ultra rapid cycling.......Uba ultra mega cycling<---i made that one up for fun.. :roll: ....its just for clarification i think...it sucks whatever...


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2008)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> You pwned me =(... lol.


Verbal spanking...


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## Guest (Sep 5, 2008)

Mark said:


> The rapid cycling moods is strange. Bipolar is not rapid is it?
> Anyway, I get that rapid mood thing sometimes. One doctor thought I was ADD. But I am not. I obsess over one thing not jump all over the place.
> For the rapid mood cycles I take Serequel. I still get plenty inspired and a good night sleep. I stopped taking if for a wile and I got a bit messed up.
> 
> This guy went of all his meds at once.


Mark im not just talking "mood swings" here...rapid cycling is not something you get "sometimes" its a set number of cycles a year to be classed as that....if your mood cycles less often then its not rapid cycling.....by what i can tell i have ultra rapid multi-phasic cycling with hypomania[not mania]/depressive episodes.....and not many normal mood periods..Holds head in confusion after working that one that :shock: ........that was fucking hard work.

here;http://bipolar.about.com/od/rapidcycling/a/laymensrapid.htm

This is confusing enough and its made more confusing by psychs who cant classify it properly...and all the differant types.. :? ..my head is spinning.........


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

> If you go from depression DIRECTLY to mania, then continue DIRECTLY to depression again, this is "multi-phasic" cycling, worse than plain rapid cycling or even a plain or single "switch." But even "multiphasic" can end at some point, say with three or five DIRECT switches into other mood states, then a period of normal mood.


It is late so i got lost about this point.
Maybe if you cycle fast enough you become normal.
Mix that in with DPD and BPD; you will get an explotion.


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## Guest (Sep 5, 2008)

> Maybe if you cycle fast enough you become normal.


LOL........

im not dpd anymore...bpd is behaving well...i still feel like spontaniously combusting.. "boom"
its early here not late,5 am and im so wide awake and full of energy :shock: .......but i just took valium...hopefully soon ill be more like this guy :roll: <---trying to keep his eyes open but i dont think so not unless i take the whole packet of tablets...


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## Guest (Sep 5, 2008)

Im worried im gonna lose everyone of my friends coz of this mental crap now............do i have to take mood stabilizers to even keep friends.....how fucking shitty...Whats the point.I have failed as a person.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Spirit said:


> Im worried im gonna lose everyone of my friends coz of this mental crap now............do i have to take mood stabilizers to even keep friends.....how flower* shitty...Whats the point.I have failed as a person.


That will not happen. You have the posts with the most visits at the moment - or close to it.
Don't crash . It's no fun for us.


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2008)

How,d you know that?...probably because im a mental freakshow...i should sell tickets and donate the money to the face book cause perhaps,be of some use for once in the chaos that is my life......
i cant win lol...i piss everyone off when im not down and when i crash as you say-its no fun for you lot........dont worry im holding onto the steering wheel of my emotions very tightly.....cept its illigal to drive while drinking.. this is my brain chemistry and i cant find a map so i might crash..do you all wanna watch...am i talking crap? Probably.........i just now feel so fucking i dunno,hopless about this..is it all really fucking worth it when i could stop it so easily?......my head is about about to shatter,que up for tickets.....


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

OK. I admit it is fun watching you come unglued.
It can't be fun for you.
When you stick your neck sometime it gets chopped. It happens to me all the time.
I always wonder about that couple of seconds of consciousness as your head rolls away from your body. Eeks

We could ask all of these guys:

   :shock: :? 8) :lol: :x    :evil: :twisted: :roll: :wink: :| :mrgreen:


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

I like Mr Green. He's cool as. Lol. You should ask him. Apparently he's the smart one


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2008)

Mark said:


> OK. I admit it is fun watching you come unglued.
> I always wonder about that couple of seconds of consciousness as your head rolls away from your body. Eeks
> 
> We could ask all of these guys:
> ...


Thanyou glad i could be of entertainment.

You do? ,you actually do wonder about that do you Mark? ...MY GOD....youre worse than me! lmao :lol: ..im sane!

Oh when i first saw the post with the smileys before reading it i thought you had lined then up to buy tickets ..lol

Yes lets ask them..Arent they bodiless though,not headless.



> I like Mr Green. He's cool as. Lol. You should ask him. Apparently he's the smart one


lol Hazel..

knocks on his head.---> :mrgreen: He said "Ye man" ..and something about smoking to much ganger turning him green..
he say " no dont do it "


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

"Oh when i first saw the post with the smileys before reading it i thought you had lined then up to buy tickets ..lol"
LOL.. i wish i had thought of that!!!!!
No it's not fun watching you get crazy. Howeve,r you are a compelling person not matter what mood you are in.










Mark is beheaded by Spirit in bizarre drunken experiment in consciousness


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2008)

lol


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2008)

My head feels like shit today,I decided to finish off my bottle of wine with 60 mg valium last night,..not a huge dose,just "testing the water"..i felt shit still...I started thinking wouldnt it be nice to just take enough to slip away from it all,it would be so easy ...i realised it is my life,i can do what i like with it...im in control..i can live it or end it which gave me a buzz ....i considered it for a bit but fell asleep doing so. :lol:

...life goes on..fuck it...what will be will be ,...for today thats fine with me...probably because im getting wasted again.. but why the fuck not..

The results of the drunken experiment Mark are that eating lightbulbs gives you DPd........[I didnt behead him,his head was just getting to big for his body]...


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

[ignore me if youre not already]Im just talking to myself in this post mostly now,its kind of a mood journal i ghess so i can monitor my moods, something I should have done a long time ago ,so me and my psychiatrist can figure out whats going on..and so i can try and keep track of whats going on with me..which is virtually impossible unless I write it down because it screws my memory up completly.Im past caring if i become a mental freakshow or if I sound crazy with cirtain journal entries.Im doing it here because I spent time on the internet at night not at home so I know Ill keep it up,its better than having sheets of paper everywhere,im so unorganised,so this is dandy..
I had a glass of wine..im not getting wasted,well not just yet  give it a an hour.

Im feeling better as the night goes on....i felt tired,low and irritable earlier but now i feel ...productive. :?: .dunno if thats the right word.I feel focused but in a good way not an aggitated way.I feel like a concerntrated ball of energy like i can acheive alot of things all in one night /because things seem to work together at these times...i feel like writting alot but can focus on one subject at a time,im not all over the place like I usually am when im "up"....I do feel slightly strange though...a bit "in my own world" I suppose.I like it when its like this............but im ghessing that it wont last long.....because the focus usually becomes to intense and the thoughts start flying.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Spirit,

I've been reading your posts... not exactly ignoring you  lol.


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

Oh I know Hazel,thankyou  ,I didnt mean to acuse anyone of ignoring me,not in that way,I just get paranoid that people will get sick of listening to me whineing on about my shit.I never like to presume that anyone actually gives a shit about what I write or reads it lol.

Entrie;Its weird...Now I read how I felt last night and its like I cant beleive I was thinking of overdoseing.[well I did a bit lol but no where near enough,only in the sence that I exceeded recomended dosage]Possibly because I was drunk or possibly because my moods changed again.Its actually quite scary when I observe how my moods fluctuate,its supriseing to me because normally I dont keep track ...i get lost with it all.The spectrum of weirdness seems infinite and underminable..I just go into the way of however it is at a given time and dont question it..its only recently im becoming more aware of it because its getting worse as time goes on.And I refused to acknowledge it before.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

My big head is reading your posts.
Print them up for your shrink.
Dancingwabbler, or whatever it is, should do the same.


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

lol...Yeah I thought about that...I havnt seen my psychiatrist in three monthes and I only get like 20 mins to try and squeeze all of whats happened in three monthes into the short apointment,its impossible.

Theres ALOT I dont tell my psychiatrist incase she thinks im psychotic,thats the trouble.

Should I print the above sentence and show her that to?...lol


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Spirit said:


> lol...Yeah I thought about that...I havnt seen my psychiatrist in three monthes and I only get like 20 mins to try and squeeze all of whats happened in three monthes into the short apointment,its impossible.
> 
> Theres ALOT I dont tell my psychiatrist incase she thinks im psychotic,thats the trouble.
> 
> Should I print the above sentence and show her that to?...lol


 LOL They wont let you back out the door.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Good night.
The kids are going to get me up early.
I am looking forward to reading your on line journal tomorrow.


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

Goodnight.


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

deleted


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

delete


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

I thouroughly give up...my head spins..


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

*Symptom of bipolar*

*Being hated*


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

lol


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

Went to sleep crying,woke up crying......and am still fucking crying...well arent i a hopeless twat.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

I've been crying all weekend


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2008)

...im sorry (((Hazel))).


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## Guest (Sep 8, 2008)

Psychiatrist has cancelled my apointment which was on the 15 th sept...could really do with seeing her to,Now ill have to wait another four weeks probably...its been three monthes since ive seen her..not a good move at the moment....like nevermind if im going crazy doc..you enjoy your three weeks on a hot beach somewhere....why dont they reschedule the appointment with another psych...the UK mental health system is so useless and under resourced.


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## SistA HazeL (Aug 10, 2008)

Spirit said:


> Psychiatrist has cancelled my apointment which was on the 15 th sept...could really do with seeing her to,Now ill have to wait another four weeks probably...its been three monthes since ive seen her..not a good move at the moment....like nevermind if im going crazy doc..you enjoy your three weeks on a hot beach somewhere....why dont they reschedule the appointment with another psych...the UK mental health system is so useless and under resourced.


Gee that sux. {{{HUGS!!!}}}


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