# Slowly but Surely



## eppy105 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hello all. I'm 17 years old, and up until about 2 months ago, I had a perfect life.

By perfect, I mean PERFECT. I have great friends, a great girlfriend, near straight-A's in the most challenging courses at a prestigious private school, extremely loving parents, everything was just fantastic. You need to know a little bit about me though. Firstly, I'm very different. I've always taken great pride in my individuality and the way that I view the world. I'm a very deep thinker with very grand ambitions, and I truly believe that I will change the world. I absolutely adore philosophy, music, and literature, and will probably pursue a career in writing. I'm on the varsity swim team, so I've been getting plenty of excercise. Also, I've been told that I'm extremely bright and very sensitive...and maybe a little narcissistic and obsessive (but usually about positive things!)









On the night of New Year's Day (2012), I was with two of my closer friends who decided to roll up a joint and take some hits. Personally, I'm pretty anti-drugs, but curiosity got the best of me. After all, it's just weed, what's the worst that could happen? (lol). I had smoked VERY infrequently previously, maybe 3 times, and NEVER actually experienced the effects of marijuana. This time, it was a very strong strain, and I absolutely freaked out. Worst experience of my life, worst panic attack ever. I looked at my hand and felt it wasn't a part of me, and that's what set off my panic. Then I got the chills all over my body, and my sense of time was DESTROYED. I know you've all heard this before...this is nothing very out-of-the-ordinary.
After about an hour, the bad effects calmed down, and I was able to relax and laugh, knowing that I'd come down after sleeping and everything would be fine. When I woke up, I was still very hazy but brushed it off. My friends (who are MUCH more experienced with weed than myself)told me this was very common, especially after really being high for the first time. "Just relax, and tomorrow you'll be fine". But then I made the mistake of googling "bad marijuana trip", as I'm sure a lot of you have done, and freaked out again. I was absolutely terrified after reading some stories of people "ruining their lives" after one bad trip.

From that point on, I've had almost non-stop derealization and tons of anxiety. I believed all the stereotypical initial thoughts: "I'm schizophrenic and the weed catalyzed it", "I've done serious brain damage", etc. etc. But I know that none of that is true, especially after some time. I told my parents about what happened the day after it happened because I was so scared, and they were very sympathetic...until they realized the extent to which I was freaking out. IT WAS BAD. I obsessed about it and freaked myself out pretty much non-stop, and thought I'm still very obsessed with the thought of it, it's become less scary. So I booked an appt. with a locol psychologist about a month ago and have been going every week. He's dealt with dp/dr many times in the passed and has been very helpful. I've also been put on Zoloft, which I've definitely noticed an improvement with. In the first two weeks, I felt personality-less. What had previously been a witty, fun-loving guy became a nervous wreck, but now I feel my personality again, and that's fantastic. I still have pretty strong DR (it's a very visual experience, but I do feel like myself...everything else has just...changed...dream-like) but I have NOT STOPPED DOING ANYTHING THAT I DID BEFORE I GOT DP'D, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'VE WANTED TO, AND THIS HAS BEEN KEY. This was the first advice the psychologist gave me, and it's definitely been the most helpful. I see that NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO ME. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING CATASTROPHIC IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, IT HAS NOT IN 2 WHOLE MONTHS AND IT WILL NOT HAPPEN LATER. This is key. My grades have dropped due to being so anxious and depressed, but I'm working on bringing them back up, and I'm sure I can get back on track.

It's probably interesting to note that I had DP in the Summer two years ago, but completely blocked it out of my memory. It came on from an intense panic attack after getting blood taken for the first time. I passed out alone in the restroom, and woke up shortly after with the DR/DP feeling. I was terrifed that I had hit my head on the sink when I passed out, but did not have any physical pain. It lasted for about two weeks, but I wasn't AS worried because it wasn't drug-induced. I also went on a weekend trip with friends and then went to two Arcade Fire shows within the same week, which probably helped a ton. I remember thinking, "Ok, maybe this is a dream. Maybe I'm dead from falling and this is some sort of purgatory. But even so, what difference does it make? I am still me...I can still be happy. So just stop caring". And I did, and it worked. The end of the movie Inception, when DiCaprio chooses to not care about the outcome of his reality or not, was very inspirational.

My biggest fear is that I've ruined my purpose in life. I'm a big subscriber to absurdist existential philosophy, and the thought that I can make my own purpose in a nihilistic universe has always kept me going, but I'm scared that any purpose that I've had has been compromised. I know this will take some time to get over.

As of now, I don't really know what to do. I'm not the hopeless mess that I was, but I'm still chronically DP'd. My most notable symptoms are the dream-like feeling, distortion of time (probably from my lack of short-term memory), and occasional half-hour periods of INTENSE depression. I mean like, EARTH-SHATTERING depression. I also have lost the ability to sleep for more than 6 hours. I don't really know why...I just wake up after the same amount of time every night. Obviously I'm never going to smoke again, I've cut out caffeine, planning to go back to my vegetarian diet, and just continue on no matter how rough it can get. I'm still me, and having my personality back proves that. I'm still scared, but I CANNOT see myself as being one of these people who obssesses about this for years and years. I NEED to get off these forums. Seriously. I check them way too often. I really think that I can beat this, and hopefully soon!

I also met a girl who went through the same experience (weed, DP'd). She's been immensely helpful and I can relate to her so well. This shit only happens to smart, caring people it seems :[

So I'm just wondering what you guys think. Do I sound like I'm getting there? Can you relate at all? WILL I EVER GO BACK TO NORMAL? Probably.








Thanks for reading. This has been very therapuetic to write. And good luck everyone!


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

If it's only been two months....I wouldn't worry about it so much. Just keep up with your Therapist, if the depression and insomnia continues might
see a psychiatrist. Get into some mindfulness, keep doing what you're doing , you're onthe right track


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## Guest (Feb 17, 2012)

eppy105 said:


> Hello all. I'm 17 years old, and up until about 2 months ago, I had a perfect life.
> 
> By perfect, I mean PERFECT. I have great friends, a great girlfriend, near straight-A's in the most challenging courses at a prestigious private school, extremely loving parents, everything was just fantastic. You need to know a little bit about me though. Firstly, I'm very different. I've always taken great pride in my individuality and the way that I view the world. I'm a very deep thinker with very grand ambitions, and I truly believe that I will change the world. I absolutely adore philosophy, music, and literature, and will probably pursue a career in writing. I'm on the varsity swim team, so I've been getting plenty of excercise. Also, I've been told that I'm extremely bright and very sensitive...and maybe a little narcissistic and obsessive (but usually about positive things!)
> 
> ...


You could have some degree of Bipolar disease... A lot of people with mood disorders, especially Bipolar Disorder are attracted to smoking marijuana, because it tames the mood swings associate with the disease. My point is, DPD can either be brought on by bad genetics, trauma or the onset of a mental illness, and if you do in fact have DPD, because of mood swings, like in Bipolar disorder, you might need help from prescription drugs to help stablize your brain activity, in order to alleviate those feelings of DP/DR. I should know... I'm not a doctor >_>


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## BabyBak (Feb 8, 2012)

Dude your like a carbon copy of me haha i went through the exact same shit as you to the point of typing "bad marijuana trip" the day after and thinkin i was schizo. Haha well hope u get better man and i think ur on the right path. Isolating yourself exacerbates the symptoms


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