# 17. Female. Michigan, USA. (this post is probably triggering)



## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

Hey there. I'm a 17-year-old girl living in Michigan. 
I guess I'll just go over my issues, 'cause I suppose that's what I'm here to do, seeing as I'm on the "introduce yourself" board.
My past/childhood/even present was/is pretty weird. I had, and still have, a lot of family issues. My dad was a Vicodin addict for 4+ years, and he stole the pills from my mom, who had chronic back pain and needed them. He was also an alcoholic and wasn't there for me from like...7th-9th grade ish, I would say. Maybe even before then a bit. We just had a weird relationship. My parents got divorced my freshman year of HS. My brother is a total psychopath...he is only 15 years old but around 260 pounds, and he came up behind me with a saw and a jumprope in his hands only about 3 months ago, prepared to do who knows what. My mom is pretty in denial about his INSANITY, but I've managed to avoid staying another night with him since that incident. He's also done other horrifying things, like threatening to tie me up and torture me and saying my pain was his bliss and that Hitler was his idol. He has also covered my mouth and nose to prevent me from breathing and smothered my head with towels and blankets. I have called the police on him twice and they told me I was overreacting. At least I don't stay with him anymore. When it's his 'turn' to stay at my mom's house, I usually just stay at a friend's house.
I started thinking about quantum theories and alternte realities in June 2010 (1 year and 2 months ago). It just kind of hit me randomly, as most OCD thoughts do. I thought about it in a terrified type of way pretty obsessively for close to a month, as my brain tried to complete the impossible task of putting together the puzzle of my inner existential crisis. Obviously, this is the type of stuff that no human being can figure out, but for some reason, I just couldn't accept that. This was the start of the OCD portion. I wouldn't say the DP stuff was present here too much.
I don't really remember how long it was until the thoughts came back again. Oh wait, yeah, I kind of do...it was April 2011 when they really hit me again. I totally remember now. I was a pretty heavy pot smoker and on 4/20, I bought a new piece that I smoked out of pretty much incessantly, about 5-10 times per day, and about 2-5 bowls at a time of pretty dank stuff (as in, never just regs or mids, for anyone who knows anything about weed). It made me really giggly and made music sound awesome and food taste delicious; I guess it was just a break from depression. I always loved smoking before school, because I absolutely CAN'T STAND school because basically all of my friends go to other schools and I feel lonely there (not to mention fucking exhausted; I hate waking up at 5:30 AM). I smoked so much weed then...God, it was so much fun, and because I finally found something that made me feel happy, I tried to convince myself that it was harmless. I smoked all the time, not just with friends...in fact, I mostly smoked alone and just chilled out and listened to music. I became really into the culture and started a marijuana blog that gained over 1,000 followers. I had found a community of fun people who accepted me, I had found something to do that made me feel less dejected...I don't know, I guess a lot of teenagers can probably empathize with me here, right? It was just such a comfort. Then, one day, while smoking alone in my room, I started feeling way too high, uncomfortably so. This wasn't the first time that had happened, but this time was unusually intense. It was during this awful trip that I came up with a disturbing thought: what if I am alone in the universe, and there is no tangible reality, and this is all just a figment of my imagination? I felt terrible during the entire trip and obsessed about the solipsism (being the only extant force in the universe; there's a pretty good Wikipedia article on it if you want to check it out, but you probably shouldn't, it's triggering (at least for me)) long after the trip had ended...
I thought about it all the time. What is reality? Are my friends even real, or are they just simulations?
I tried to block out the thoughts and the depression they brought with them by smoking even more weed, which was one of the stupidest choices I've ever made. I'll always regret that I kept on smoking once these thoughts began. I started to feel so disconnected from reality, so far from what was going on right in front of me. I've always been kind of 'in a daze,' but this was just ridiculous. I experienced things that most people only feel on a Level 4-5 shroom trip, ego splitting (feeling contradictory things simultaneously, feeling like 'nothing,' etc.) on an everyday basis. The OCD also worsened and along with the dissociation, I developed an obsessive phobia of going crazy/becoming schizophrenic. The reality obsession also worsened immensely because now that I had started actually FEELING disconnected from reality, my disturbing idea that I could be the only force in the universe seemed more plausible. Still, there was this constant part of me that never faded away that kept on telling me that these were crazy thoughts and unnatural feelings and that there was obviously something wrong with me. I re-started therapy, which I hadn't been to since middle school, and went on Luvox (100mg/day) and Niacin (I varied the daily doses). The therapy was pretty useless, I have to admit. The Luvox didn't work that well. The Niacin worked somewhat, so I tried to increase the dose to 3000mg because I was still not satisfied. I got sent to the emergency room and threw up 10x because I had Niacin poisoning. :/ The people there thought I had tried to kill myself, but I hadn't. They also asked how I got the cut on my leg and I admitted that I had been cutting myself for a while, which is true. I still cut, with razors, knives, and that part of the nail clipper that's supposed to be used to clean under your nails (I'm not sure exactly what it's called). I just hate all of the unbearable stress and confusion building up inside of me, the neverending 'deep' thoughts about the universe, the now chronic and ceaseless obsession with reality or a possible lack thereof, the disconnected feeling that rarely goes away, the feeling like I'm stuck in a movie/book and don't know how I got here. I feel like a little person in the back of my head, just watching the show. Everyday phrases sound foregin to me sometimes, like alien-speak. Ugh, I hate it so much. I've honestly sat down and tried to figure out if I'm in a coma or a dream, then started crying because I felt crazy for even thinking those thoughts, then cut myself out of frustration and feelings of unreality. God, I am so scared of going insane or that I already have. People just seem like these strange little things, so fucking odd...I can't even explain it. Their limbs, their fingers, their creepy smiles, their teeth, their noses...they look so weird and none of them even think about or realize it. "Are they even real? Am I the only person who can feel or have free will?" This thought pops into my head more than once PER MINUTE. I hate it. And then I feel insane for even thinking it, but I can't help but wonder. Over and over. The depersonalization only makes the OCD about reality a billion times worse. It's torture. It is literal TORTURE. I've tried everything. The therapy doesn't work at all, the Luvox doesn't really work either (at least at this dose), and I had to go off of the Niacin after I got poisoned. I called a suicide hotline and the lady just said to "get help" and I said "I am in help, it doesn't work" and she just said "then there's nothing I can do." I just thought, "why can't anyone help me? This is ridiculous; I feel like I'm going insane; this feels like madness, and no one can help me." It's gotten to the point where I just wake up and dread the oncoming day, where I just think of everyday life as this strange body I'm in interacting with some maybe-not-real images as 'I' watch it happen without any control. I just can't even explain it. I don't feel real or alive; and on top of that, my OCD is absolutely devouring me. Every time the thought of reality comes up in my mind (which is, like I said, literally more than once per minute), a million fear responses go off in my brain and I feel panicked, uncomfortable, and horrified. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry this was so long.
Oh, and I haven't smoked weed in 46 days. And I've never done any other drugs, unless you count drinking (but not getting drunk).


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## RamonX (Feb 10, 2011)

Hi there,
Wellcome to the forum, and thank you for adding the spoiler. This could indeed upset some readers.
First I think you did very well to quit smoking pot. It affects your brain in a way that makes it easy to have all these nasty existential thoughts, because it disrupts some filtering capacities of your brain. I think you do indeed need professional help to get out of this mess.
What kind of therapy did you get? Did you gIve it à real chance? When the therapy and the drugs are not helping at all, you really should try to get different medication and maybe another therapist. Ofcourse I don't know how your situation is with insurance and what kind of institutions you have in the neighbourhood, especially since I am from Holland. (here everyone is insured very well), but maybe someone else here can help you find out.

When the Luvox doesn't work, it might be possible to try a higher dose first(the maximum dose is 300mg/day and in OCD large dosage is often needed) and if that doesn't work switch it for Clomipramine. This is a standard treatment protocol for OCD and it works very well for à lot of people. You also need to learn to stop obsessing over these thoughts. Cognitive therapy can be very effective, but it takes perseverance to make it work. Not every therapist is cut out to work with patients with big problems. That's why often the therapy does not work. But when I read your story I also wonder if you have issues with trauma that should be assessed and treated.

I understand your existence is hell at the moment, but I think there is an upside. From what you told us, I get the impression that your depersonalization is closely tied in with your OCD and worsened by smoking weed. In most people OCD is very treatable with à combination of medication and therapy, though it often takes some time to find the right combination. There is every chance for you to get out of this, but you really need to find the right people to help you, and also people in your environment that you trust and can rely upon. Do you have good friends or people 
in your family that you can turn to? For now try to be confident that there will come à solution for your problem.


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## Guest (Aug 25, 2011)

sorry it's too long to read. can you explain in a short version?


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

TheEndIsFuckingNigh said:


> They also asked how I got the cut on my leg and I admitted that I had been cutting myself for a while, which is true. I still cut, with razors, knives, and that part of the nail clipper that's supposed to be used to clean under your nails (I'm not sure exactly what it's called). I just hate all of the unbearable stress and confusion building up inside of me, the neverending 'deep' thoughts about the universe, the now chronic and ceaseless obsession with reality or a possible lack thereof, the disconnected feeling that rarely goes away, the feeling like I'm stuck in a movie/book and don't know how I got here. I feel like a little person in the back of my head, just watching the show. Everyday phrases sound foregin to me sometimes, like alien-speak. Ugh, I hate it so much.


Hey, I was a chronic self-harmer for years from the age of 12 into my late 20s, for much the same issues as you are. I can empathise with your frustration. I used to cut myself for many reasons, but one of them was a build up of craziness in my head, and pain was the only release that seemed to work for distracting.

Please have a look at this post I made. Mindfulness really really helped me with self-harming, OCD, depression and the DP, it has changed my life. 
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28785-how-mindfulness-could-help-you-please-read/
This will really help a lot of your issues, it will teach you how to release painful feelings, safely, so you don't have to harm yourself.

PM me if you want any more info. There are a few self-harmers on here, you are not alone.


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## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

RamonX said:


> Hi there,
> Wellcome to the forum, and thank you for adding the spoiler. This could indeed upset some readers.
> First I think you did very well to quit smoking pot. It affects your brain in a way that makes it easy to have all these nasty existential thoughts, because it disrupts some filtering capacities of your brain. I think you do indeed need professional help to get out of this mess.
> What kind of therapy did you get? Did you gIve it à real chance? When the therapy and the drugs are not helping at all, you really should try to get different medication and maybe another therapist. Ofcourse I don't know how your situation is with insurance and what kind of institutions you have in the neighbourhood, especially since I am from Holland. (here everyone is insured very well), but maybe someone else here can help you find out.
> ...


Thank you so much. I have a few helpful friends. My family, not so much, as you may have guessed from reading my post. :/ I feel like I'm giving therapy a "real chance" but I have to admit that I'm easily frustrated at this point. Maybe I should be more open-minded. Yeah, I plan on raising the Luvox dose, definitely. Thanks.


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## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

Lowrey said:


> sorry it's too long to read. can you explain in a short version?


Sure,

TL;DR version: I have OCD, depression, depersonalization, I'm a self harmer, and I had/have a ton of family problems. My disassociation is very closely linked with my OCD and worsened by pot-smoking, which I quit 47 days ago.


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## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

violetgirl said:


> Hey, I was a chronic self-harmer for years from the age of 12 into my late 20s, for much the same issues as you are. I can empathise with your frustration. I used to cut myself for many reasons, but one of them was a build up of craziness in my head, and pain was the only release that seemed to work for distracting.
> 
> Please have a look at this post I made. Mindfulness really really helped me with self-harming, OCD, depression and the DP, it has changed my life.
> http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28785-how-mindfulness-could-help-you-please-read/
> ...


Thank you so much...everyone on here is already being so helpful. <3


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

Lowrey said:


> sorry it's too long to read. can you explain in a short version?


dude, dick comment... a lot of people are more verbal by nature so they have to talk around a point in order to make it. you may not be this way and that's cool, but try not to make people feel insecure about how they are expressing themselves.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> dude, dick comment... a lot of people are more verbal by nature so they have to talk around a point in order to make it. you may not be this way and that's cool, but try not to make people feel insecure about how they are expressing themselves.


I agree. Especially as it was a first post on here, from someone who's obviously in a lot of turmoil.

Yeah, OP what you said was fine. Hope you find this place useful.
Most people on here will take the time to read what you say, so express yourself how you wish to.


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## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

baking_pineapple said:


> I agree. Especially as it was a first post on here, from someone who's obviously in a lot of turmoil.
> 
> Yeah, OP what you said was fine. Hope you find this place useful.
> Most people on here will take the time to read what you say, so express yourself how you wish to.


Thank you for standing up for me, both of you.


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand how hard it is to keep going when you feel like this.
I have found ssris (paxil) really good for my anxiety, and this is also good for ocd. I too have pure O, which is a terrible combo with dp. 
Welcome to the forum, and be kind to yourself. You write really well, and express yourself beautifully.
take care sweetie
jojo


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## TheEndIsFuckingNigh (Aug 25, 2011)

jojo72 said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand how hard it is to keep going when you feel like this.
> I have found ssris (paxil) really good for my anxiety, and this is also good for ocd. I too have pure O, which is a terrible combo with dp.
> Welcome to the forum, and be kind to yourself. You write really well, and express yourself beautifully.
> take care sweetie
> jojo


Thank you so much.


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