# A life of "almost."



## Moodyman (May 17, 2008)

My first memory ever I still remember vividly to this day. I woke up in our house on a cool summer morning when I was just nearly 3 years old. I sat up in bed and asked myself, "Where am I? How can I ask that? Who am I?" Believe me or not, it is the truth as I've always known it. I then, at that young age, promised myself to remember these first experiences. I had no memory before that time, and at nearly 3 I knew life was just beginning. I said to myself then "remember remember remember." My bedroom was strange. The world was new. I walked to the edge of the stairs carefully and looked down. My brother ran into the kitchen just below yelling "mom mom mom!" I heard another voice say "Chris, go get your brother." Instantly, I said "that is my brother Chris." I half scrambled down the stairs and peeked into the kitchen. There my mother was making pancakes as my brother jumped up and down next to her. "Mom," he said reaching for something, and I then thought to myself, "that is mom."

To me, from the start, I've known that my physical mind and my conscious soul are two seperate things. Because of this, I believe I have been suffering from depersonalization for years. As a matter of fact, for most of my life. It comes and goes every day just enough to let me know that there is something better. A bit cruel of life, but there are worse things to have. You see, when your lover rolls over and puts their leg across you in the most intimate way, and all you can do is watch the sunlight illuminate the little fuzz across her thighs, there is a warmth of emotion in that. Your mind and cosciousness become one for a moment. Life's worries disapate for something more natural and real. I've felt that, and it felt good. Damn good.

I am a bright, confident young man graduating from college tomorrow. I am 22 with a life full of potential ahead of me. Good grades, good jobs, a wonderful and loving wife already too! But, I feel that I am nothing but the observer in life. I am the inner soul of whatever being that has been planted in this body. My body and cognative mind go this way or that on autopilot while my true introspective self just watches and sometimes throws in some input. I feel as if I am a mechanism-a machine with a beating heart tucked beneath the gears.

My mind is extremely analytical. I look at stock reports, court cases, my car, or even people in the street and I find my subconscious counting, adding, multiplying. When I ask my mind to, I am presented with accurate graphs, trend lines, easily manipulated three dimensional graphics, and coorelations. My mind is the most complicated calculator I've ever approached and I do not even like math. In many ways, I believe this analytical dominance of my mind effects what my observer, the soul of my entire being, is exposed to. Emotions are added into the equation of social interactions. Emotions are to be understood and controlled even when I am enjoying them. When I tell someone "I love you," it is often a trigger of impulses I feel my mind produce. Yet, at the very instant I wrote "I love you" on this blog, I felt my eyes swell a moment and my throat hold tight. Even now I can feel it a little more. That is what I am talking about. I felt a glimpse of longing there, and the pit in my stomach swelling is a cherishable annoyance. It is life, existence, and an attachment I wish to feel. It resides within me and such tugs to my body are proof that I am not irreparable.

Jobs, obligations, society's little influences and controls, we are all forced to lose ourselves a little. I don't want to lose myself anymore. Granted, when I was an overdramatic teenager with a heart so full of compassion it was just waiting to be broke, I wanted to dissappear rather than feel rejection or loss. Well, I didn't dissappear and now I want to not just have glimpses of emotion. I want the real deal. I want a connection of my body, my consciousness, and my mind as much as possible.

Am I just to exist here to work a 9 to 5 job, have kids, and to die?

There has to be more to this life. I have felt connections spontaniously with people before, but they always faded and my damned smart mind learned so well that my connectivity with people has shrunk more and more. Do you hear that subconscious? Listen to me, the spark of life in this carbon body, and realise that we need to fix ourselves. When I sip water, I want to feel it trickle down cooly and slowly. When I walk outside tomorrow, I want to feel the hairs on my arms react. When I kiss my wife tomorrow, I want to feel even the pink of her lips. Is it so much to ask to actually be human with this human body? Please mind, lend it to me. A life without connection is a life alone, and for some reason my consciousness, my soul, finds that dreadful. It is in my nature. Arbitrarily, since so much of life seems to be from that, can I simply just be a unity of "me."

Tonight, before I sleep in expectation of my Bachelor's degree tomorrow, I want to strip every title from me I've ever known. I am not my family surname, I am not my degree or job title, I am not even a husband. I am these hands. I am a part of this world. I am the thoughts of every facet of my mind and I want access to everything. When I go to work and slip on a trendy suit, I put on a persona. With titles on my concept of self, I wear a persona that only gets more complex with age. Tonight, I want to be alone with myself and try to catchup a bit. High school took a life time, and college seemed to be a blink of the eye. Will I be thirty with kids before I wake up and question again? I can't let that happen...

Thanks for listening to "me." I want you to know that I do exist out there. We all do... Don't try to be "normal." Nothing is "normal." Just be satisfied with yourself and never give up. We will all find out whether life was worth it in the end, so get what you can from it all now. Walk in the rain. Hold loved ones close. Dream but keep it seperate from reality. Of course, reality should be a good dream unto itself, if you can imagine.


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## psimonel (Mar 21, 2008)

It was a real pleasure listening to you... 
Did you ever think that maybe we all are somehow depersonalized, while we are still living in these flesh bodies, comparing with the free life of the soul we might know after death?... My belief is that this is a fact.
The intellectually-effective mind is an useful asset for our worldly roles, but really inhibits the heart's reactions. If you want to try a stranger's advice , you might try avoid the habitual analysis of things and self and instead, let yourself to just freely perceive, feel, wish, do... No feedbacks required other than the ones coming from your heart and conscience.
Very nice meeting you!
Simona


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