# *My Horror Story*



## Flavius (Jun 11, 2016)

Hello everybody, I discovered this forum year ago, and It kinda helped me to accept my struggle and realize that I'm not alone or crazy. I want to share my story.

I'm not recovered yet, but I think I slowly ascending from this living hell of life. It freaking me even to take a look at a other categories except in this 'recovery' section.

So, where do I start my story? it's pretty hard, since I'm depressed and anxious since I was an early teen, now I'm 32 years old.

My deperspnalization/derealization isn't induced through marijuana use like most of you here. I developed it through extreme anxiety and horrifying panic attacks.

So, before year and half I have a first panic attack at home. Suddenly, I felt like I'm losing my consciousness, my heart started to beating fast, I was started to lose my breath, I felt derealized for a first time. I was thinking that I'm dying so I call emergency ambulance. They started to connect me to devices to measure my heart rate and pulse, they realized everything is okay with my body and suggest me to visit my doctor and talk about my mental state.

Then I developed panic disorder. I have panic attack every single day, and every time I was thinking that I'm going to die. I restricted my behavior. I was avoided markets, coffe bars and every place where is hard to escape immediately.

After a little investigation and conversation about my doctor I realized that I have a panic disorder. I was depressed and obssessed with research on this matter all over the internet.

I realized my panic attack was caused by getting a new job that I was intended to go. I get job on a cruise ship in a foreign country to work as a waiter. Now, I know that anxiety about going to work far away from home is a trigger to panic attack. I waited a couple of months to get on board. I felted tension everyday, I wouldn't give up my job and my goals. It was a dream job an a adventure for me.

But, month before embark on a cruise ship I started to feel a little strange. I was informed that depersonalization/derealization was a pretty common during panic attack. I have it almost every time, but when panic attack eased up, derealization also goes away.

I was thinking a lot about this strange felling and I since I was thinking a lot about dp/dr, I somehow felt it, it was not hard derealization but enough to notice it.

When I was on board in a foreign country I was excited and anxious at same time. But exciting fade away soona and severe anxitey took it place. I was felt strange in the ship full of uknown people from all over the world. Job was hard also. I have poor concetration and I was making mistakes and so my supervisors warned me. I was so under stress working 12 hours every day at the twelve floor of the ship in the restaurant full of people. I was afraid of the ocean and height also. But I didn't giving up.

I was hoping I will get used to work and live in this stressful environment. Week after week my mental state was worse and worse. I get thiner and I had also several panic attack in the middle of work so I escape to restroom wash my face with cold water just to get calmer.

It was hell every day. Working in the middle of ocean with almost no friend, with such a strict rules to follow on ship and hard work to do the most stressful environment even for a healthy and strong people. After two months and a half I was completely devastated so I gave a qouit to save myself.

I felted completely derealized, like I'm ghost. I didn't felt myself. I was extremely anxious so I could go any further. I was disembarked in small town in Canada. 5,000 miles away from home!!! Left alone and devastated with my suitcase and airline ticket in hand. To this day I really don't know how I arrived home through three airplanes with such a crowded terminals and airports.

When I arrived home, firs couple day I felt relief I wasn't anyomore in the ship and I was sleeping in my own bed.

But soon I started to feel detached from myself. I felt intense fear in my chest that will last for a months. I escaped everything. I didn't talked to anyone, not going anywhere. I was completely housebound. I visit psychiatrist but didn't help me too much, only gaved me medication (mitrazapin) to feel a little bit calmier. I started to obsessively to search about depersonalization/derealization on the internet and started to watch hundreds of videos and read thousand of articles to know what is anxiety, how the brain respond to it and I realized that my condition is defense mechanism to experiencing trauma.

Some days was better, I didn't felt much detached from myself too much, but then again I dropped into this condition.

So this is my symptoms and conditions:

I feel detached from myself, like I'm not me anymore. Like I lost control over my body.

I feel sometimes like I losing my mind, that I will go crazy and end up in asylum

I thinking about my past everyday, about conversation with people, about my events to the day I can remember

I'm extremely afraid of people, felling high social phobia. Can't walk throught street or places where I was exposed to sights. Starting to lose control over my legs, uncertain walk, feeling jelly legs.

I can't sleep at night even through medication, constantly thinking about my condition

I'm afraid to go even to my balcon, where environment started to look like I'm in dream, everything lose significance or meaning.

I oftenly having suicidal thoughts just to get a little relief.

There is completely lack of support from my family and understanding of my conditon. Not even psychiatrist fully understood my condition.

I'm sometimes afraid this will be forever, to the rest of my life. Still scared to this thought since I didn't recovered fully.

Sometimes I drive a car around my city just to get in touch with reality, just to focus on outside world. It's kinda interesting that I was didn't afraid to wreck my car since I felt so unreal. I'm completely indifferent to everything.

Fell no emotions except fear, like I'm just observing the world but not the part of it. Like I'm in a some kinda of a lucid dream. I think this is what is to experience a living hell.

Month after month there is a little change but no recovery yet.

But I still hoping that the day will arrive when I will feel alive again a part of the society.

Sorry about my english if there's a mistakes and greetings from Croatia.


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## Jeremy91 (Jun 14, 2017)

Dear Flavius,

My story is similar to yours as my panic attacks and anxiety started before a trip to the US. I was planning to work for WDW but the pressure was too high and I became depersonalized and derealized for a few months.

Since then I haven't recovered from it and I am on medication now.

We are sensitive people and there are different ways to feel better. Hope we will recover from it soon


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## cl1max (Apr 15, 2017)

I really dont mean to be rude, but why are posts like these in recovery stories? This part of the forum is the hopeful portion where people who do recover post their lifestyle and changes and newcomers can stay positive.


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## Flavius (Jun 11, 2016)

@cl1max, yes you're right, this isn't recovery story, but I think I passed the worst. Reason why my story is here because of desperation for recovery and expectation for positive support who alrready recovered. I'm little afraid to put the topic in the discussion section because I expect that some people who are still in DP condition and moving there will post negative prediction and make my condition even worse.

Not all stories on this recovery section are related on full recovery. Some are completely recovered, some are almost near and some are only halw way through the recovery. I pass the worst, the phase I couldn't even talk to anyone or do almost anything. I hope I will fully recovered to the point I can socialize outside and start to work and function normally, without obstacles.

Stay supportive


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