# the unbearable lightness of NOT being



## nalata (Aug 25, 2011)

My name is Nathalia, I'm 20 and I'm from Sao Paulo, Brazil.
I've been experiencing despersonalization episodes since I was a kid, but in the last years I've been more aware of it so it seems to be getting worse. I've done therapy during 3 years in the past, took Prozac - basically for social phobia - and improved a lot (I can say I'm cured of the whole anxiety issue) but, at that time, I didn't pay enough attention to despersonalization, so as I got better and more self conscious/aware I started realizing that I don't feel things like most people do, I don't react to things like most people do and thus I don't live like most people do, although I know exactly how I should feel and react to things.

This oftenly make me miserable and I feel like god or someone gave me a life I could never cherish, so it's not really worthy to be here. I know this is not true, I know I'm good in a lot of things, I have a beautiful - although strange - family, I'm an attractive female for a lot of reasons and I have a whole future ahead of me, but nothing can make me feel truly alive, and that leads me to thoughts of suicide and self destruction sometimes. I can't even say I believe in God actually, but that's the least important thing right now.

I'm not gonna make this such a depressing post, so I think it would be nice to share some stuff that makes me happy and forgetful about this issue on regular basis. I've been exercising a lot, running mostly, and that gives me a really powerful sense of control and it made me a more disciplined person. I try to focus on different subjects, read a lot (always enjoyed it and since I'm studying journalism, that's essential) and create goals so when I reach them, I feel like I'm capable of getting through all the bad stuff that goes through my mind. I also try to be more around people, since I spend a lot of time by myself at at home and even at work.

Basically, I feel blessed and cursed at the same time. I'm a prisioner of a body I hardly know. There are times I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream and I don't like what I see at the mirror. I remember being a kid and imagining myself in a way and then looking at the mirror and seeing a whole other person. It's strange and disturbing, but I try to get by it. Everyday is a struggle, a real battle against myself, so I joined here to get and give some help, because I know I'm not alone.


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## Deleted Account (Jul 26, 2010)

nalata said:


> My name is Nathalia, I'm 20 and I'm from Sao Paulo, Brazil.
> I've been experiencing despersonalization episodes since I was a kid, but in the last years I've been more aware of it so it seems to be getting worse. I've done therapy during 3 years in the past, took Prozac - basically for social phobia - and improved a lot (I can say I'm cured of the whole anxiety issue) but, at that time, I didn't pay enough attention to despersonalization, so as I got better and more self conscious/aware I started realizing that I don't feel things like most people do, I don't react to things like most people do and thus I don't live like most people do, although I know exactly how I should feel and react to things.
> 
> This oftenly make me miserable and I feel like god or someone gave me a life I could never cherish, so it's not really worthy to be here. I know this is not true, I know I'm good in a lot of things, I have a beautiful - although strange - family, I'm an attractive female for a lot of reasons and I have a whole future ahead of me, but nothing can make me feel truly alive, and that leads me to thoughts of suicide and self destruction sometimes. I can't even say I believe in God actually, but that's the least important thing right now.
> ...


You are not alone! I think it's a good thing you are exercising and working on self discipline. I have found that with dp you have to do the opposite of what you feel. For example, when I feel the need to stay away from people I put myself in a large crowd on purpose.


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## nalata (Aug 25, 2011)

ShannaLynn said:


> For example, when I feel the need to stay away from people I put myself in a large crowd on purpose.


That's true! I feel much better when I push myself to be around people. Thanks for reading


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Hey Nathália,

Well, When I read what you wrote I got shocked because I realized that that could be me, that was exactly what I felt and I'm doing also the same to feel connected to myself again, I'm often in the chat on his forum, I don't know anybody else from Brazil with this problem. It's just the way I feel like I can't get joy no matter how hard I try it's Strange living like this, and not feeling true happines.


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