# im alive!!!



## newbrains (Jan 23, 2012)

I feel ok some times and them all of a sudden my mind say's your alive and conscience and its like my whole world collapses. like I cannot deal with the fact that I am alive, like just being conscience is to much to handle. I am aware of being aware if that makes sense. I have a beautiful wife and 4 little girls and I just want to die. I get severe depression to the point I sob all day and every second feels like eternity. I so sick of telling these Doctors the same story over and over just to have them breeze over the hyper aware thing and just treat the depression. any body else just feel like they have lived long enough and they cant deal with life anymore.

meds: 250 mgs Zoloft-10 years

30mgs busbar- 8 years

2mgs klonopin - 10 years

and they just added abilify 2 mgs a day -2 weeks


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I think because u are in a dp state the hyperawareness is frightening u . If u wernt feeling this way u would want to life am I right ?


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## newbrains (Jan 23, 2012)

I think you probably right Katie, I just feel like I don't belong here and it makes me so depressed. I just want to enjoy my life. Seeing doc today but what to tell her? they just don't seem to understand.


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## yourstruly_demi (Jan 26, 2016)

I know what you mean Newbie. I am 21 years old and so sad I don't even have me AA degree yet and can't begin my career. I want to be a cop but can't even hold classes right now. Today, i just saw my lab results for candida, gluten sensitivity, and food allergies. Everything came back negative. I just want to die at this point. I swear I know how you feel. I been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I could be living with him by now and happy. But I can't even finish school. I just wanted to give up today after seeing those test came back negative. And people around me keep saying at least it's nothing serious. Fuck that! I rather know what is wrong with me so I can cure this. I just feel like this will never get any better

I can't even go out and enjoy the youth I have still have.

When did your DP/DR begin? and is it constant unreality or just like episodes?


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## newbrains (Jan 23, 2012)

I have been battling this for 23 years!!! It started when I ate an eighth of mushrooms at the age of 16 and have never been the same. I have usually had the ebb and flow of it over the years but these past couple months have hit strong. Sometimes I feel like the mushroom trip opened my eyes to the fact that we shouldn't be this smart or dealing with this much stuff or aware. I don't know just rambling..


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## talerzyk (Feb 8, 2016)

i can totally relate. it's like my brain cannot comprehend that i am alive. how can i be alive? what is it anyway - being alive? it feels so surreal and metaphysical... sometimes it gets to the point that i have a sense of floating somewhere in space - i know i am here, on this planet, in my body - but it doesn't feel like it. some days the anxiety is unbearable but other days i dont pay attention to the symptoms of derealisation and i try to keep on living. so even if it sucks, and it does, it is all the matter of your focus. i think the key to this all is to focus on something, rather than be too absorbed in the surreality of our existence


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