# No Right to Complain........



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I know that I have no right to complain. Still, here I am. Let me start by saying that I no longer have any Depersonalization symptoms. I am completely my old self. I do have mild derealization and I've come to find that even though it's mild, there is a world of difference between mild dr and complete recovery. Life is just not the same as it was before dp/dr and it's really getting me down lately. My worst symptoms at this point are perceptual shifts, exhaustion, depression, and that I seem to still be viewing life from behind plastic wrap. It's not that things seem unreal, because they don't. It's more that they lack the depth that they used to. Colors are still flat. My vision is still 2-d most of the time. I can't feel the atmosphere in the air. Life isn't the same. I wish I could explain it better. I don't have a lot of memories of what reality felt like at this point (I've had dp/dr for almost 2 years) but I do have a few strong ones and those help me to remember that everything used to be so undeniably ALIVE. I remember that you could tell that you were awake and everything was real, vibrant, beautiful. I remember how the sun used to feel soaking into my core, how active and real everything used to be. I can see it so clearly in my mind but when I look around, it's not what I see. I know that I am somewhere in the final stages of recovery. I've recovered before (I only had it for a week the first time)so I recognize where I am at now compared to where I was in my expedited experience before. The thing is that recovery moves at a glacial pace and while I try to keep a positive mindset and just keep on truckin, some days these last steps seem to drag out into eternity. Sometimes, I allow myself a few dark moments to ponder what it would be like to never recover. Honestly, at this point, my biggest dream, my biggest wish, the one and only thing that I would want before I die is to be completely back in reality. I pray that God allows me to experience life again. I just didn't have enough time. I got this when I was 25. Not nearly enough life lived. I am living now but I think we all understand that it just is not the same. Honestly, right now, full recovery is the equivalent of winning a million dollars in my mind. I can only imagine what it would be like and have my doubts that it will actually ever happen. It all seems too good to be true.


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## Angel_heaven (Jun 1, 2010)

ValleyGirl83 said:


> I know that I have no right to complain. Still, here I am. Let me start by saying that I no longer have any Depersonalization symptoms. I am completely my old self. I do have mild derealization and I've come to find that even though it's mild, there is a world of difference between mild dr and complete recovery. Life is just not the same as it was before dp/dr and it's really getting me down lately. My worst symptoms at this point are perceptual shifts, exhaustion, depression, and that I seem to still be viewing life from behind plastic wrap. It's not that things seem unreal, because they don't. It's more that they lack the depth that they used to. Colors are still flat. My vision is still 2-d most of the time. I can't feel the atmosphere in the air. Life isn't the same. I wish I could explain it better. I don't have a lot of memories of what reality felt like at this point (I've had dp/dr for almost 2 years) but I do have a few strong ones and those help me to remember that everything used to be so undeniably ALIVE. I remember that you could tell that you were awake and everything was real, vibrant, beautiful. I remember how the sun used to feel soaking into my core, how active and real everything used to be. I can see it so clearly in my mind but when I look around, it's not what I see. I know that I am somewhere in the final stages of recovery. I've recovered before (I only had it for a week the first time)so I recognize where I am at now compared to where I was in my expedited experience before. The thing is that recovery moves at a glacial pace and while I try to keep a positive mindset and just keep on truckin, some days these last steps seem to drag out into eternity. Sometimes, I allow myself a few dark moments to ponder what it would be like to never recover. Honestly, at this point, my biggest dream, my biggest wish, the one and only thing that I would want before I die is to be completely back in reality. I pray that God allows me to experience life again. I just didn't have enough time. I got this when I was 25. Not nearly enough life lived. I am living now but I think we all understand that it just is not the same. Honestly, right now, full recovery is the equivalent of winning a million dollars in my mind. I can only imagine what it would be like and have my doubts that it will actually ever happen. It all seems too good to be true.


I totally feel you Sarah that is EXACTLY how I feel. I took a nap today and I felt worse as if I can't even live a normal life. I thought I would wake up refreshed but instead I regretted even resting. Its been too long and I dont know whats going on. I dont even know how ppl say one day they woke up and it was gone because for me its taking ages. Also when you are a MOTHER you dont have time for yourself when your kid doesnt accept him mom feeling down. Also I dont want to start on my husband he is such a loser! Must be nice to wake up and do whatever you want with no responsibility let alone Dp/DR! I HATE THIS! Life is so unfair!


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## Guest (Aug 2, 2011)

Congrats on your recovery so far....I believe you will feel that vibrancy to life once again! The colors and depth will return, you are on your way









I believe DR is a bigger hurdle than DP. Many people say that they coexist together but I believe you can have one without the other..and DR is probably the worst of the two.

I am stuck with the DR as well, going on 1 year

Sending love and positive thoughts your way ))))))


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi, I thought about writing my own post but it seems we're in such a similar place I'll write it here..








We seem to have had a paralell journey through this, which gives me hope we are moving towards recovery and that the changes I feel isn't all in my head.. Well, they are, but you know what I mean.

I actually went to Holland like I said I would this summer, and I think the time away from my kids and my boyfriend did me good. I was dissapointed in discovering I felt no exitement at being there, honestly, I felt toatlly flat. Not dead or unreal, not numb, but just.. Nothing. Despite spending the days just going for walks along the river and wathing t.v in my room, when I met up with my boyfriend and youngest kid after ten days (which I was seriously nervous about as I can always tell exactly how messed up I am when I'm with them), I actually felt better than before I left home. Sleeping and being alone must have refreshed my mind somewhat, we actually had three nice days together before we went back to Oslo. I was dp'd, but it was not as horrible as before, and I didn't really feel any anxiety.

However, the moment I got close to my home again, it all came rushing back ten-fold. I felt so good on the plane, it was late at night and I just felt alive for some reason. Back at my apartment all the bad stuff came back, most of all confusion, like "why does it feel different now, is this reality, oh no now I have to go back to my normal life, I'm still dp'd.." etc.

I couldn't hold on to life, I slipped right back into it.

Now I have such an uncomfertable feeling, something is still wrong but I don't know why. "Reality" changes sometimes during the day, or my sense of identity, and I don't know what that means. I feel like I have DID, or some new disoreder invented my me, multiple reality disorder. I almost feel like I can switch into my real world, but then I get scared, and don't really know what is my real reality and not. Insane! I'm actually really scared and feel totally alone.

I have the same fears as you, I think I was more optimistic when I was worse for some reason. Now it's clearer to me how much I've lost, how stuck I am, how insane this all is. I need a hug..

I'm hoping it's "only" dr, and that's why I feel like this, like you said. 
I also just found out my son has Asperger, which sort of suck. I'm really sad and feel like nothing will ever be good again.

Sorry that got so long, really just wanted to tell you we might be in the same place.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

York said:


> Hi, I thought about writing my own post but it seems we're in such a similar place I'll write it here..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know what you mean about it getting worse when you go back home. I grew up in a town about 2 hours south of here and I lived there again right before I got dp. A lot of bad stuff happened there and stuff surrounding my family who lives there. I've been back like 3 times this past year and have noticed that my dp is like 100 times worse when I am there. I actually went there this weekend and woke up with some pretty strong perceptual issues, drove there, by the time I got in town I was tripping the heck out, spent the night, woke up feeling even worse, felt worse all of that day and was so disoriented by the time it was time to go home I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle the drive back. I drove back and when I got back into the are that I live in, I felt sooooo much better. The same thing used to happened with coming to my ex husband's house when I was living on my own. Every time I was there it would be worse than when I was at my house. I think that just goes to show you that dp really is a protective mechanism and that it become stronger when it senses a the issues that we don't want to have to deal with that exist in those places. For me, it's facing family issues, facing bad decisions, facing the place the past that I feel completely detached from now. Whatever reason, for you, being home triggers the defense. Something about your life there has you scared.

I just wanted to let you know that my youngest sister has Aspberger's syndrome. It's really isn't a huge deal. She has had to take special education classes because she has learning issues and is immature for her age but if you were to just meet her, you wouldn't know that she had it. It will all be ok


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

ValleyGirl83 said:


> I know what you mean about it getting worse when you go back home. I grew up in a town about 2 hours south of here and I lived there again right before I got dp. A lot of bad stuff happened there and stuff surrounding my family who lives there. I've been back like 3 times this past year and have noticed that my dp is like 100 times worse when I am there. I actually went there this weekend and woke up with some pretty strong perceptual issues, drove there, by the time I got in town I was tripping the heck out, spent the night, woke up feeling even worse, felt worse all of that day and was so disoriented by the time it was time to go home I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle the drive back. I drove back and when I got back into the are that I live in, I felt sooooo much better. The same thing used to happened with coming to my ex husband's house when I was living on my own. Every time I was there it would be worse than when I was at my house. I think that just goes to show you that dp really is a protective mechanism and that it become stronger when it senses a the issues that we don't want to have to deal with that exist in those places. For me, it's facing family issues, facing bad decisions, facing the place the past that I feel completely detached from now. Whatever reason, for you, being home triggers the defense. Something about your life there has you scared.
> 
> I just wanted to let you know that my youngest sister has Aspberger's syndrome. It's really isn't a huge deal. She has had to take special education classes because she has learning issues and is immature for her age but if you were to just meet her, you wouldn't know that she had it. It will all be ok


Thank you, it's good to know your sister is o.k. It's probably good we got the Asperger diagnosis, maybe we can get some help. I'm alone with my son and he's really a handful.. He's always in trouble at school, talks non-stop really loud (and only about toilets), he never seems to sleep, etc. I'm dead tired. I actually got dp when this thing with him first started, when the people at his kindergarden wanted us to go and find out if he had ADD or something. I was just so nervous and felt horrible about the fact there might be something wrong with my son. I felt nervous in a way I've never been nervous before, like life was about to fall apart. I got dp just two weeks after the first meeting with the childrens psychiatric whats-it-called. I'd just given birth to my 2-year-old, everything was just too much for me to handle.

I think you're right in that dp is a defense thing, and our subconscious kicks in at certain times and places even when we don't really remember what it's all about. I had it in a big way after having dp at age 16, I could never go back to my home town, even as an adult, without feeling strange. On the train home everything would feel fine as soon as I knew I was closer to Oslo. Both times I think the trauma I have is dp itself, which is just tragic. I was so scared there is no words, when dp hit again in '08. I've never ever been that scared before. I seriously thought it was the end, or something worse than the end. Now I'm reminded of what I've lost, and how close I am to feeling that badly dp'd, every time I see my old house, which is just across the street.. (I'm a moron). I'm considering moving again just to get away.

I'm seriously wondering if hypnosis could help get rid of this thing, I feel like my subconscious is holding me hostage.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

York said:


> Thank you, it's good to know your sister is o.k. It's probably good we got the Asperger diagnosis, maybe we can get some help. I'm alone with my son and he's really a handful.. He's always in trouble at school, talks non-stop really loud (and only about toilets), he never seems to sleep, etc. I'm dead tired. I actually got dp when this thing with him first started, when the people at his kindergarden wanted us to go and find out if he had ADD or something. I was just so nervous and felt horrible about the fact there might be something wrong with my son. I felt nervous in a way I've never been nervous before, like life was about to fall apart. I got dp just two weeks after the first meeting with the childrens psychiatric whats-it-called. I'd just given birth to my 2-year-old, everything was just too much for me to handle.
> 
> I think you're right in that dp is a defense thing, and our subconscious kicks in at certain times and places even when we don't really remember what it's all about. I had it in a big way after having dp at age 16, I could never go back to my home town, even as an adult, without feeling strange. On the train home everything would feel fine as soon as I knew I was closer to Oslo. Both times I think the trauma I have is dp itself, which is just tragic. I was so scared there is no words, when dp hit again in '08. I've never ever been that scared before. I seriously thought it was the end, or something worse than the end. Now I'm reminded of what I've lost, and how close I am to feeling that badly dp'd, every time I see my old house, which is just across the street.. (I'm a moron). I'm considering moving again just to get away.
> 
> I'm seriously wondering if hypnosis could help get rid of this thing, I feel like my subconscious is holding me hostage.


I think the most powerful tool to trying to overcome dp's need to protect is to face what dp is trying to protect you from. Just like the only way to overcome a phobia or fear is to face it and desensitize yourself to it. I mean, you already have dp. The very worst that can happen is that your dp feels worse for that day or for the moments that you are facing the fear. I think if you (and I) can address the underlying fears and deal with those then the dp won't be needed anymore. I know, for me, my dp probably gets that bad when I'm in my home town because that is where I lived and made many of the massive mistakes that triggered my dp. I mean, I lived there 2 weeks before it set in and was already having some symptoms of it while there like that I just couldn't take in certain things, couldn't think about certain things. I was already dissociating from those things even though I didn't have dp.

Anyways love, I feel so deeply for you and I hope that you are able to find the answers to allow you to recover from this again! *hugs*


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