# My recovery story through severe depersonalization



## Bree Bare (Sep 26, 2013)

Alright, it took a lot to come to this forum and say this but I finally feel strong enough to be able to. For anyone who has recently experience dp/dr and are reading this, stop. The best thing to do when you first get this is to get as far away from everyone else's experiences as you can. If you know what you have early, and you know the chemistry behind it, you can get better fast.

For those of you stuck in the mindset (and I mean a year or so) It's a bit more of a tricky situation.

I'll start out with some background information. I had bouts of derealization starting from when I was 12. At this time I didn't know what it was and it only happened if I was thinking or stressing about life. I was born into a family of anxiety so it's just bound to rub off on me that I worry about all the things I can in life. I could manage these bouts, these moments. Then February of just this last year hit and everything changed. At this time I had a few deaths in the family, I was in college early and winter finals were approaching. I sat down in the library, but my head on the desk and by the time I lifted my head up to look around. I had derealization. The fear that struck me was unimaginable. This wasn't all that happened, the depersonalization was the scariest. I'm only explaining this so I can show the severity. I was literally disconnected from my body. I felt above myself, beside myself. I woke up and my room was not my room anymore. I was stuck in the back of my head.. I could feel my skin crawl from underneath me. I felt as if my mind and body were not connected anymore. People were muffled, and in the morning I would wake in a heat flash, eyes darting around the room wondering if I'd ever feel normal again.

For the next three weeks I would go along pretending this didn't happen to me... I finally ended up telling my best friend.. her advice only made me more fearful. "this sounds serious, you need to tell someone about this." This lead me to breaking down in front of my mom and admitting I had felt this hopeless wreck and to immediately send me off to the psyche ward where I would accept my sorry fate and she would have a crazy daughter. Her response? Laughter! She told me that at times of high stress, or weird thoughts, the mind can do this to you. (She is a psychiatric nurse). She calmed me down and told me I would be okay. She said that she got this before and that the feelings would pass. This thought helped me the most that this was TEMPORARY. That word repeated over and over again, was the most comforting thing in the world at that time. I was blessed to have a mom that understood, she got me into the doctors who surprisingly knew what this was.. this made me feel so normal.

I was given xanax to take for emergencies, and they started me on zoloft, half a pill a day. Now. I can't tell you if Zoloft works, or if it was a placebo for me. For me personally, it changed my thought in the morning and that helped me the most, instead of "Do things feel normal?" I thought "Take your medication, eat something, deep breath and walk to classes" Keeping routine helped me too. I was on that for about 3-4 weeks when I suddenly had a moment of normalcy! it was only about 5 seconds but things felt normal.

The thoughts to keep in your mind is that the feelings are temporary.. if you don't believe they are then I guess that is something you might have to live with, but it's your body natural way of protecting your mind from stress.. the more you focus the more you stress, the more it releases chemicals to help you. See all these feelings are, are adrenaline increase, and dopamine decrease. When you fix those chemicals, you fix the problem. The thing is, it's a long process, that requires constant effort and hope.

Now, maybe I got off easy, I got into CBT therapy early (It works, it's so amazing, seriously) I got on medications early, and I had a mom who had experienced it so I had someone to relate to without having to read stories like the ones on here, because let's be honest. It can be terrifying at first.

My symptoms got gradually better and better until they basically dissapeared. I could feel my brain healing, I could feel my energy coming back. It was painfully slow but in everyday I found the smallest of progress and I fought. I fought like all hell for my mental health. To anyone reading this, you can't give up hope, I don't care how long you have had it, or how severe you think you are, there is hope for everyone. I was a severe case, going into the emergency room begging for answers. It doesn't have to be that way.

We aren't crazy for experiencing this, it's actually common, these feeling- if you let them are only temporary. I have bouts of it still, but they are weak. I am SO much stronger because of having gone through this experience, more grateful for my life, and more willing to speak about what I have gone through. It doesn't have to be scary, it is literally just anxiety when it builds up to a really bad point.

You never hear recovery stories because its a scary experience and it's easily triggered but I decided I would suck it up and post this in hope that it will inspire somebody. I have found along the way many people who have recovered from this, both drug induced and non drug induced and all of them have come out of it. So chances are, if this is new for you.. you're gonna be just fine. Get the help you need, as soon as you can, sit back and relax. It's one day at a time when you have this.

Things that helped me (this might get personal):

Support from people who had no experience with this, because they weren't triggering.

Treating my bad days like a stomach ache, wrapped up on the couch with movies and blankets wrapped around me

Treating myself to relax, not worry, eating comfort foods

Xanax helped a lot, in low dosages at bad times

moving on with life no matter how hard it was

hanging out with people, seeing extended family

Masturbation/sex (it helps you get use to your body and its incredibly relaxing)

Eating a lot

sleeping in good moderation

best of luck to all of you.


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## cruisinthrulife89 (Sep 5, 2013)

I really wonder if it would be different for someone who got it through marijuana. Is the recovery still possible. It seems its harder to recover from drug induced as the person feels that the drug physically screwed up their brain. If it just got triggered by itself, the person isnt so scared of permanent damage, because they know it just happened out of the blue without a drug. any thoughts??


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## Francis (Sep 17, 2013)

Congratulations on your recovery and thanks for the post, it's really good to hear from people who have banished the beasty and who get on with normal life.


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## Bree Bare (Sep 26, 2013)

About the marijuana question, I actually have a friend who had it induced by weed, and I myself can not smoke because it triggers me. It DOESN'T screw up your brain. I promise you. I have meant many people who have overcome it, the best outlook is to acknowledge that it's your own brain chemicals, not the weed, weed can bring out deeper rooted issues. Sometimes after weed you have the "Afterglow" effect which is actually derealization but you know your not high anymore so you freak yourself out. I have had an attack where it was because of the weed and it lasted a few weeks as well, because I let it consume me that it had screwed me up, but it's not. I actually find more recovery stories from drug induced rather than non drug induced.


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## Jonngliniak (Jun 11, 2013)

Im about to post something like this hecause full recovery is possible and i didnt believe it until now. What i experienced made me change my whole mindset and i can tell you that i am almost back to normal. Everyone it is possible its just everyone is different and it takes more or less time for others, but i will be posting shit like this soon lol : )


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## cruisinthrulife89 (Sep 5, 2013)

DEMORALIZED, that makes sense. if it were chemical than meds would cure it and stabilize those chemicals. most meds dont do much for dp thought. THen again, jonngliniak just posted that by changing his mindset he recovered. Well we all know that changing the way we think also alters the chemicals in our brain, so who knows.


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## Bree Bare (Sep 26, 2013)

These were the chemicals I was told it was caused by, all I know is that I basically am recovered. I feel planted in reality at this very moment. So believe what you want I guess? I just did what helped me.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

About the chemical imbalance and meds,well you say if it was a chemical imbalance everybody will be cured by meds, but I don't agree.Why are there so many people that recovered with meds?I once recoevred with meds.I think that those people for whom meds don't work and they run to a conclusion that it's not the brain chemicals,they just didn't find the right one or the right dose,there are a lot of neurotransmitters in your brain and sometimes it takes a lot of time,trying 30 different meds to fix the right neurotransmitters.If it wasn't for the chemical imbalance why did a lot of people recover ( or are symptom free) while on med?So it has something to do with chemical imbalance too. I have a question for Bree Bare,how long did you have dp before you were put on meds? Last time I had it I was almost immediately put on meds (on the third week or so) so I haven't had the time to 'get used' to this new type of thinking but now I have it for 2 months and a half and I fell into a new cycle of thinking and I am wondering if I go back on meds wil it be too late. My dp is nothing like it was last time,I have very different symptoms but it's still anxiety symptom.


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

Congrats


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## Guest (Oct 23, 2013)

sunshinita said:


> About the chemical imbalance and meds,well you say if it was a chemical imbalance everybody will be cured by meds, but I don't agree.Why are there so many people that recovered with meds?I once recoevred with meds.I think that those people for whom meds don't work and they run to a conclusion that it's not the brain chemicals,they just didn't find the right one or the right dose,there are a lot of neurotransmitters in your brain and sometimes it takes a lot of time,trying 30 different meds to fix the right neurotransmitters.If it wasn't for the chemical imbalance why did a lot of people recover ( or are symptom free) while on med?So it has something to do with chemical imbalance too. I have a question for Bree Bare,how long did you have dp before you were put on meds? Last time I had it I was almost immediately put on meds (on the third week or so) so I haven't had the time to 'get used' to this new type of thinking but now I have it for 2 months and a half and I fell into a new cycle of thinking and I am wondering if I go back on meds wil it be too late. My dp is nothing like it was last time,I have very different symptoms but it's still anxiety symptom.


Any kind of distress causes a chemical imbalance, because our brains operate entirely on chemicals; considering that the question becomes what's causing my imbalance. You can force the chemicals back into a normal state with medications, but since the the cause of the imbalance was never addressed the moment the meds are stopped DP/DR comes back. Meds should be used as aid or a crutch, not a solution.


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## heartless (Apr 29, 2013)

cruisinthrulife89 said:


> I really wonder if it would be different for someone who got it through marijuana. Is the recovery still possible. It seems its harder to recover from drug induced as the person feels that the drug physically screwed up their brain. If it just got triggered by itself, the person isnt so scared of permanent damage, because they know it just happened out of the blue without a drug. any thoughts??


It's an anxious thought by itself.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Yeah,I mean chemical imbalance doesn't come from nowhere,it comes from stress,trauma,weed,drugs or something else but still converts into chemical imbalance and you can fix,or let's say 'mask' the symptoms with meds without identifying the main cause,but what I mean meds do work in a way.The thought pattern is stillvery important because meds can lower you anxiety but sometimes you still think you are 'stuck' with dp and dp is long gone.I think that's my case,I am not on meds but I am still 'shocked' from my panic attacks and the weird feeling that I think myself into dp and basically it's not there,it's just an obsessive thought that is stuck in my mind.


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