# Trusting myself



## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Im trying to trust myself in these difficult times.
Im staying in a psychiatric unit but I don't know if it will help me very much...but it's a safety net. Their ideas of what will help me is not the same as mine...I've had a huge heart awakening some years ago and I struggle very much to release the blocks in my system, they keep pushing back. Its about trusting the heart, surrendering to my vulnerability and my actual emotions, communicating from my heart. There is so much pain and so much resitance in me...my pride and fear is running the game. 
I know I should be working with people who know about this, who can support me through the process, people that don't talk about psychosis and things that I know I don't have. My reality sense is intact. 
I don't know if I should empty my saving account to get back into therapy with therapist I know are good. I know that a part of me wants to trust the flow of life, just going with the flow and start trusting myself again. Another part of me is questioning the whole project and think i should stay where I am. I haven't worked in a year and isolated myself that is part why I decided to go to the hospital.

There seems to be so little understanding about transformational processes in our society. That things that appear negative actually can bring about very positive change. Even my family is fearful and in their heads, don't understand the importance of being there for eachother. Very few people in my surroundings do understand what I struggle with and how to help me...they keep their distance and it makes me very angry cause the way I see things it is a fundamental part of being human to be able to communicate from the heart and be present and honest and to be there for one another.

I just think it is hard to get somewhere without proper support, the right kind of support. I have freezed up in my own fear the last year. The only time I feel that I am going somehwere is when I trust my heart and express myself honestly from my heart. But there is not many who will support you to do that. At least not in the psychiatry.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

Hey snowstorm.. thanks for sharing.

excuse my language, but.. what the fuck are you doing in a psychiatry?

sounds like you already know the answer, really all you need to do is trust yourself. trust your heart, make art, make love, be free. so what, you're different, you're more aware than everyone around you, you know much more about life and the importance of love than any people there surrounding you. you should be teaching them, not have yourself locked away. you need to let go of fear, there is an inner wisdom in you that already knows what to do, how to get through this. you need to trust that, to trust that which is beyond words, beyond dogmas, books, psychiatrists, science. the heart is an organ of perception, DP is about learning its language, trying to stop identifying with the mind and thoughts, and learn how to navigate your way with the heart, to learn how to see with the heart, to make desicions with the heart and not the mind, the thinking mind is that which creates fears, worries, that which represses, it creates anxiety, paranoia, ill-will. Beneath all that there's a heart that Knows beyond words. Trust your heart. Trust yourself. You do not need to be in a psychiatrist, you are more healthy in a way than those taking care of you. Just go out there and face your fears, its ok to be different, and its ok to be sensitive. Once you vent out all that pain and grief, and let go of past, let go of melancholy, you can start fresh and you will see that feelings are not that scary, you can learn how to surf through them, and be at peace with who you are. Let go of fear. If you will, live a simple life, draw, paint, write, express yourself through music and dancing, live in nature, fall in love. no need to force yourself to adjust to a society which is sick anyway. Just ask yourself; what is it that makes me happy? then trust that you can make that happen, work for that ideal. Isolation is not the answer, the only true safety-net is your Self. Let your body and Self be a home for you. Trust is the key. Love is the key. Imagination is the key. Acceptance is the key. Patience is the key. All the answers lie within. Self beyond self is the key to Heaven. Learn how to navigate your inner world.. the way to see 'in there', is with the heart, Love is the light, love is the only guide, to trust it is to believe in Love beyond all things, beyond worldy matters, politics, science, rationality. To trust the heart above and beyond the mind, to take control away from mind and put it in the hands of heart, in the hands of love. This leap of faith is the fastest way back to self. No medicine, no psychiatrists, nothing. Just you, just trust and faith. This *is* a transformative experience, not a disease. Please, let go of fear, and embrace that part of you that already Knows.

Again, thanks for sharing...
much love

Abraxas


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Thanks for the support Abraxas.

I know that you're right. But it's still so hard. Im battling with my shadow side and I just hate all the things it brings up and things I need to express...uggh...but I guess there is no way around them if I want to move on with my life...


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

snow storm said:


> Thanks for the support Abraxas.
> 
> I know that you're right. But it's still so hard. Im battling with my shadow side and I just hate all the things it brings up and things I need to express...uggh...but I guess there is no way around them if I want to move on with my life...


Trust me that as you explore those 'dark', low feelings, and let them out, they will become less and less extreme, and your shadow side will turn away from destruction/low-self-esteem and those impulses will start to transform into humor, creativity, sensuality/sexuality and self love. Those low feelings and states of mind are just crying out for attention, be it hate, envy, cowardness, ill-will, greed, rage, anger, or pure evilness... by choosing to ignore them, or by repressing them, you are creating stagnation and 'putrefaction' of that psychic energy. In such condition, the shadow grows even more perverse, those feelings multiply and become more obscene. Its like having bad weeds on your backyard garden. If you dont go in there, and face the problem, they will grow taller, and multiply, and kill all your good herbs/trees. Idea is to plant seeds of love, happiness, well-being, peace. But before you start sowing, you need to remove all the bad weeds. And you need to up-root them, otherwise they grow again. To up-root them... you go deep. You follow the stalk and see where it leads you, to find the root. With these feelings, its not enough to cut down some leaves and branches, to repress and ignore, you need to see where they take you, where they are coming from. In order to do that, you need to go deep into that feeling, get involved with it, express it, let it out.

For me the most important thing when confronting my shadow, was letting go of pride and shame. These feelings are part of human nature. They simply exist. There is no shame in experiencing such feelings or states of mind. I have them. Before i didnt know they were there. But i found that getting in touch with those feelings and letting them out was key in my recovering from DP. Just try it as an experiment, as an act, role-playing. For one day, you will assume the role of the Devil, Baal, the shadow. You will be as low and evil as you can imagine. you will be pure evil, pure hatred, pure ill will. you will entertain the darkest and most lowly thoughts and feelings about life, yourself, mankind, the universe, God. you can listen to very dark music in order to trigger and unblock these emotions.

now, when these feelings come out, you might 'lose' it, or feel insane. you might feel sick, proper ill, mentally, spiritualy, etc. thats just the 'shit' gushing out of your system, and is good, its a purge, do not fear it, you are not going insane and you never will. so, try not to fear it, and try getting in control. dont feel like you re a victim of those emotions/mindstates, but try to enjoy it, to be in control, in charge, like you mean them, the same way the Devil would. try to rejoice in that darkness. this will get you in control of the fear, and if done properly, will transform this dark energy into sexual energy, your libido will rise, and you will feel powerful, and manly (if you're a woman), in a very sensual/sexual way. In that state i felt God-like, like a demi-god (though feminine). This will in turn unblock many emotional blockages, as the sexual/sensual energy is then transformed into Love, mainly self love. After self loves, comes pure Love, love for others, love for world, love for humanity. etc.

sometimes we feel that we ought to be all-good, and all-loving. we hold such a high moral view on ourselves. 'I would never do something like that'. in my personal experience, DP happened to me at a stage where i gave too much of a fuck, when I thought of myself as 'spiritual', 'new age', loving, i wanted to be pure love, pure good. I wanted to be self-less, enlightened. I could not conceive of me having 'dark' feelings. evilness was 'something out there', something i would project on secret satanic societies, corrupt politicians, etc. But i found that, by exploring this shadow aspect in myself, I was then able to love more genuinely, i no longer demand love from myself, it just happens, it just comes to me, and when it does its natural, and good, and i like it. but when it doesnt i dont force it, i do not construct anymore this view of myself being absolute good, absolute love. I just am. and now the best of all is that my evil side has turned away from destruction, and now its just that thing that reminds me to be genuine, to not force love, to be myself. my shadow is now a good friend, it gives me humor, peace of mind, it allows me to relax 'even though there are people dying out there, or the world is in a really shit crossroad in History... before i couldnt even allow myself to enjoy anything, as i felt guilty for it, because a lot of people are suffering in the world.. and there i am, watching a movie and drinking some fucking ice-cream... I hope nobody gets offended here. but i now i dont give a fuck. i care, but i dont worry. and if i genuinely feel like doing good, then i do it. but thats not all my life. i also like to relax. i want to enjoy things, i want to enjoy my sexuality, i want to do art, i want to enjoy music. i want to just be at peace. exploring my shadow made me dis-identify with the hero, with that extremely unreal and demanding high view of myself that i used to have when DP started. my shadow was that thing that reminded me: hey, you are not responsible for the world. stop carrying everyones weight on your shoulders.

paradoxically, now i feel more love and more frequently than i did before. and i am actually doing conscious meditations to try increase this love. but now its a choice, its not something i demand of me, that i force on me. and thats what i was doing when DP started.
i do wish to have a possitive impact on the world, but now its something i do out of free will, i have made a conscious choice. when shadow remains unconscious, this choice can not be made.

Id like to share some quotes on Abraxas, which is the daimon/god i got my screen-name from. He/She served as a healing symbol/archetype during my healing process. Abraxas is that God/symbol which synthesises and integrates opposites, mainly Good and Evil, and Masculine and Feminine, Conscious and Unconscious.

This is from Sermons of the Dead, by Jung

"There is a God about whom you know nothing, because men have forgotten him. We call him by his name: Abraxas. He is less definite than God or Devil.... 
"Abraxas is activity: nothing can resist him but the unreal.... Abraxas stands above the sun[-god] and above the devil.... If the Pleroma were capable of having a being, Abraxas would be its manifestation."

-2nd Sermon
"That which is spoken by God-the-Sun is life; that which is spoken by the Devil is death; Abraxas speaketh that hallowed and accursed word, which is life and death at the same time. Abraxas begetteth truth and lying, good and evil, light and darkness in the same word and in the same act. Wherefore is Abraxas terrible."
-3rd Sermon

From the book Demian, by Hesse

"The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas."
-Max Demian

"... it appears that Abraxas has much deeper significance. We may conceive of the name as that of the godhead whose symbolic task is the uniting of godly and devilish elements."
-Dr. Follens

"Abraxas doesn't take exception to any of your thoughts or any of your dreams. Never forget that. But he will leave you once you become blameless and normal."
-Pistorius


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

snow storm said:


> Im trying to trust myself in these difficult times.
> Im staying in a psychiatric unit but I don't know if it will help me very much...but it's a safety net. Their ideas of what will help me is not the same as mine...I've had a huge heart awakening some years ago and I struggle very much to release the blocks in my system, they keep pushing back. Its about trusting the heart, surrendering to my vulnerability and my actual emotions, communicating from my heart. There is so much pain and so much resitance in me...my pride and fear is running the game.
> I know I should be working with people who know about this, who can support me through the process, people that don't talk about psychosis and things that I know I don't have. My reality sense is intact.
> I don't know if I should empty my saving account to get back into therapy with therapist I know are good. I know that a part of me wants to trust the flow of life, just going with the flow and start trusting myself again. Another part of me is questioning the whole project and think i should stay where I am. I haven't worked in a year and isolated myself that is part why I decided to go to the hospital.
> ...


I often get the impression from your posts that you are far more aware than the average person out there about whats really going on so I would trust your judgement if I were you, but I agree it is very hard in this day and age with no real understanding of psychology or process. Most people see mental issues as being ill or being sane which is sad and very isolating, I am in a similar situation where I have become very isolated which doesn't help trying to work through to the other side. Once upon a time you would have been put into a monestary and supported while you work through what you have to.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Pablo said:


> I often get the impression from your posts that you are far more aware than the average person out there about whats really going on so I would trust your judgement if I were you, but I agree it is very hard in this day and age with no real understanding of psychology or process. Most people see mental issues as being ill or being sane which is sad and very isolating, I am in a similar situation where I have become very isolated which doesn't help trying to work through to the other side. Once upon a time you would have been put into a monestary and supported while you work through what you have to.


Yeah mental issues often become pathology in the eyes of the psychiatry, I can say from personal experience. But I will stay a bit longer just to see how things evolve.


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