# Suppressed anger?



## RedSky (Jan 11, 2017)

I was wondering if anyone else is like this too and maybe it is linked to my DP/DR?

Everyone is my personal life always seems so amazed that I never get angry/nothing ever seems to bug me or get under my skin, my girlfriend also tells me this a lot as she can be quick to anger and she is quite jealous that I can brush things off rather easily. However... I have always been laid back but to say I don't get angry is a lie, the only reason I don't have outbursts is because I bury it deep inside, and the reason I do that is because if I do end up getting angry I completely overheat and It becomes unbearably uncomfortable and I will just want to escape whatever situation I am in and then BOOM I get hit with a huge wave of depression. It has been like this my whole life and I have no outlet for my anger and the only way I deal with it is through meditation, but there is A LOT of it deep in me and I wish I could just let it all out but it is so hard for me because the level of discomfort is unreal.

Is anyone else like this? Or does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this, I can't help but wonder if all this anger being held in (ever since I was a kid) helped put me in this state of DP/DR....maybe it is the roots of my depression and anxiety or vice versa who knows....

P.S. every time I go to post something I become hesitant because these things are very hard to explain and it is next to impossible to do it in real life but it is still hard through text, thank you guys for being so nice on here, it is nice to be able to vent without feeling judged and to get actual feedback, cheers! :-o


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

My therapist said this to me a lot, that superseded anger was perhaps the cause of my dp. I completely relate to what you're saying, I rarely physically/verbally express my anger but it is there suppressed. 
I have recently been working on a meditation for this fear/anger (same sides of the different coin really). Just giving an easy, soft attention to feelings in my gut. Almost as if you were comforting a crying child. You wouldn't turn them away, or tell them to stop crying. You would comfort them the best you could, give them a hug. I think this is something, internally we have lost and are unable to give to ourselves. I think it's vital to approach these feelings with kindness alost in a way asking 'what's wrong?' being patient and waiting for its reply... this sounds really 'spiritual' and 'woo woo' which is not the kind of person I am, or have been... and I think there's something to it thay I have never been like this towards myself. I always tried to get rid of the feelings, change them, suppress them, or almost ridicule myself for feeling the way that I do. In any way you possibly can show kindness towards these emotions and see what happens


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

I feel like i relate to this. I do get angry, more alone than around others, but, yeah.


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## RedSky (Jan 11, 2017)

Broken said:


> My therapist said this to me a lot, that superseded anger was perhaps the cause of my dp. I completely relate to what you're saying, I rarely physically/verbally express my anger but it is there suppressed.
> I have recently been working on a meditation for this fear/anger (same sides of the different coin really). Just giving an easy, soft attention to feelings in my gut. Almost as if you were comforting a crying child. You wouldn't turn them away, or tell them to stop crying. You would comfort them the best you could, give them a hug. I think this is something, internally we have lost and are unable to give to ourselves. I think it's vital to approach these feelings with kindness alost in a way asking 'what's wrong?' being patient and waiting for its reply... this sounds really 'spiritual' and 'woo woo' which is not the kind of person I am, or have been... and I think there's something to it thay I have never been like this towards myself. I always tried to get rid of the feelings, change them, suppress them, or almost ridicule myself for feeling the way that I do. In any way you possibly can show kindness towards these emotions and see what happens


Thank you for the reply, It is hard to face these feelings let alone try to change them, I like your approach being with kindness. I just have a hard time with letting the anger go/forgiving myself for things that I feel guilty of.... I get too hung up on my past but I don't know how to make peace with it either.


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

Yeh I'm not saying it's easy it takes a lot of grit and effort to face them. It feels wrong but I do think it's important to do to recover. The fact it makes you feel worse as well has often convinced me it cant be the path to recover. Doing this technique I feel a lot of physical muscle spasms in the area, a sign I'm really holding something back. They're called 'neurogenic tremors' and often are a sign of trauma. There's a cool video of a polar bear being caught and shaking off the trauma after


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

Something I've been toying with today is to somehow try and be thankful for these 'negative feelings'. It's like a warning bell is being rung and we are ignoring it. It's there to warn you and pay it attention. Our emotions control us and our minds not the other way around. And I think that's a big part of dp, something emotionally oblverwhelming either a panic attack or repressed trauma comes to a point where you have resisted all you can. And this resistance is stuck. Just softly, patiently and lovingly pay attention to all feelings. Dont slap an agendarmes on them saying 'I want this one, but reject that one'. This is crazy, but we all do it. We are taught this, or it is implied. But it doesn't work. It just adds more fear because all we find is its impossible. Show yourself some kindness and let your heart feel what is there and tell you what it has to say


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Anger is a very damaging emotion so it wouldn't surprise me if there was some element of it responsible for, or contributing to certain cases of DP. I was always on the other end of the spectrum as compared to RedSky - quick temper, high strung, sometimes explosively aggressive. So far it seems to have been confined to my 20s, as I haven't had any real episodes of anger so far in my 30s, at least not that I can recall. But go figure, I developed DP three months after my 30th birthday. So to me, it sometimes feels like there was a sort of light switch moment - from being an assertive, sometimes aggressive person, to a more humbled and fearful one through DP. I guess my meds have helped take the sting out of me too. But it does seem like DP could be a kind of release valve for anger - in the same way that DP shuts off the brain off from certain feelings or emotions, essentially saying "enough is enough", I could envision anger being one of those emotions it no longer wants to feel.


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## enroute (Sep 3, 2013)

You should find some activities so that you don't feel like everything is residing deep within you. This will help you release things out. Try a fitness routine or do some activity that you enjoy.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

wow, that's interesting. I am the opposite. I feel that angery energises me but I just end up being horrible to my family.

I think if my brain did shut off certain feelings/emotions, then for me it would be.....hell I don't know! I don't know what the F I am feeling. But I've had a NASTY year so probably complex traumatic response giving my brain a royally shafting. Isn't that a nice scene?


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

I've often wondered this only because I had anger problems as a child and then depression and DP that followed in my teens. I've heard depression can be the result of anger turned inwards but I also wonder if DP factor in as well. I know anger can be very damaging to children's brains releasing lots of stress hormones and turning on genes that can result in mental illness down the road, and I had trauma as a child and had to go to anger management, so I kinda wonder if all this resulted in some sort of brain damage which made me susceptible to DP.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

I don't know about brain damage, simply because I don't like to use that word or hear that word. It scares me because I think that I (and others) have irreversibly lost brain function and intelligence. I am have terrible cognitive problems and it does seem that way now, but I hope that it completely disappears as I recover.

I would NOT be surprised if the brain could not handle emotions and shut off. Especially if that situation in your life is terrible and there is no mental or physical escape from it. Otherwise I doubt it can happen. I wonder if a bit our SELVES literally could not handle/got destroyed by a situation and that was a huge causal factor into DP/DR.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

I just really need to cry today but I need to wait for my mum to leave the house! Damn it.

I cannot cry or access my emotions as I have said. Funny, the only thing that makes me able to cry is listening to these songs and this one in particular. I am pretty much an atheist, but this is extremely powerful stuff. I find the words very moving - its from the old Sufi traditions of Pakistan. Maybe because I have some affiliation to the culture and language, does it resonate with me, but I think many many people over the world appreciated his music. Definitely a "world Music" legend.


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

Nice lyrics. "You are not, and you are every place". Awesome. I've read into buddhism and 'no-self' and 'emptiness' and this makes a lot of sense to me. What we are at the very basis of consciousness is emptiness. It has to be empty to contain all that is happening, that just makes sense. The use of a jug or a room comes from it's emptiness not the walls. I think that our human consciousness has a finite limit, like a blank canvas. In order to recover I think we have to have compassion for our dark thoughts and emotions and let them consume the canvas. But we resist it as it is too painful. And that's a natural response. But until we stop resisting these things and get out the way these thoughts and feelings will persist.

I think all negative emotions are fear based as a protective mechanism. They are there to protect us from harm. But we are taught they are bad, being angry is negative and socially unacceptable. I think releasing it in a positive controlled way is positive though. Punch a cushion or screaming (if you have the environment to do it) can help release them. I've been working on showing some love and affection to the things about myself I want to remove or don't like. In my recent experience paying particular attention to the things I have denied attention for years, is giving some positive results. The DR seems to lessen. But it's minor and I believe will take a long time, so be patient. Just being kind and showing some affection towards these feelings in a direct way can be very powerful. It's also brought up repressed memories for me which is difficult to deal with.. but with time I'm beginning to see why I am in this mess, and how I've been playing this game wrong my whole life. Play the ball that's being pitched at you. You might not like it but it's what is true


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

I think I need some proper therapy to even start to do something like that. Ergh. Just waiting around now my assessment to come with the doctor for my sex addiction then can tell him about this.


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

Perhaps. Perhaps not. I've had LOADS of therapy, all garbage from people who have clearly been through no trauma and believe what they are told about 'mental' health and thoughts. Barely any therapist ever spoke about emotions. Not in depth. Not about how I directly deal with them. I think emotions and trauma are the root of the majority of mental health issues. We all want to get rid of our negative issues and 'solve the problem'. Maybe there is no problem? Maybe the problem is you believe there is a problem, which creates tension and fear and you have to resolve the problem. How do you solve that when there's is millions of years of evolution behind this emotional process? Stop trying to outsmart it. You can't win


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## RedSky (Jan 11, 2017)

Hedgehog fuzz said:


> I don't know about brain damage, simply because I don't like to use that word or hear that word. It scares me because I think that I (and others) have irreversibly lost brain function and intelligence. I am have terrible cognitive problems and it does seem that way now, but I hope that it completely disappears as I recover.
> 
> I would NOT be surprised if the brain could not handle emotions and shut off. Especially if that situation in your life is terrible and there is no mental or physical escape from it. Otherwise I doubt it can happen. I wonder if a bit our SELVES literally could not handle/got destroyed by a situation and that was a huge causal factor into DP/DR.


I am the same and that thought always resonates in the back of mind "what if permanent damage has been done?" I can't afford to think like that because if I let that thought consume me I will always feel like shit, plus I have recovered (at least I think I have it could just be my brain coping) so it gives me hope that one day it will all go away.


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

RedSky said:


> I am the same and that thought always resonates in the back of mind "what if permanent damage has been done?" I can't afford to think like that because if I let that thought consume me I will always feel like shit, plus I have recovered (at least I think I have it could just be my brain coping) so it gives me hope that one day it will all go away.


I don't mean to scare people when I say that. There's lots of differing varieties of brain damage, even very minor injuries. It's also important to keep in mind how many diseases are reversible, even ones that seem very ominous and lasting. Also with technology advancing at such a rapid pace there's new hope with all different types of conditions and I think DP should be included. There's no reason to believe we won't get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

I don't feel hopeful in that sense Billy. My doctor's haven't got past referring me to the right place and scared to try anything but two medications, so in that sense is it realistic to think that you can even access these hypothetical advancements? I am not trying to be negative and I would like to hear your response.


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## Artmuzz (May 8, 2016)

I suffer from suppressed anger and upset that I have suppressed for years. My psychologist told me that all my issues with anxiety, depression and panic attacks and DPDR are all caused my unresolved issues I have had with certain friends in the past. This has been suppressed in my mind for so long that 20 years later it has got too much and with the death of my beloved mother in 2014 it finally triggered a panic attack in 2015 which started my experience with DPDR, depression, feeling that horrible drunk, dizzy, anxious way most of the time and suffering frequent migraine headaches.


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

Really sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.

Question for you all. HOW do you even begin to connect with your emotions? It's literally impossible if you don't know how. I guess that I never learnt how to do that from childhood. I do not know the language of emotions.

So what has your psychologist told you to do? One thing that really pisses me off, and this might be occur to you, is when they tell you what is wrong and then never give you any advice on what to fucking do about it.


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## Artmuzz (May 8, 2016)

Yeah, the death of my mother really made me fall to pieces.

When I went to my psychologist she would tell me what is wrong but like you say she never gave me any advice. In fact it was a waste of time. She would also get on to me if I repeated what my problems were and I found her quite rude. She sent me to group therapy which again was another waste of time as most of the time I was totally out of it with DPDR that I couldn't take in what advice was said.


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

Most therapist I would genuinely describe as incompetent. They read books on a subject I feel personal experience is vital, and still buy into the 100 year old model of Freudian psycho analysis. It has some merit but only on the same level as sharing things about your life honestly with a close friend. The problem with society is we are taught not to talk about our emotions. I have one friend I can talk honestly about these things but I still hold back, and am not fully honest about it all. I think the main thing is to give our internal processes space and compassion. You have a thought or symptom with DP label it as bad and want it removed, not realising this agitation (that's probably part of most of our personality types) probably causes the stress response that creates the loop of DP.
I would be interested to know how many people had shaming/abusive parents? I described my upbringing as 'normal' for years, and therapy did help me realise it was far from that. An honest exploration of this on my own with a diary would have sufficed. I don't think the therapist was much help. Didn't give me any practical advice. I think whenever you have a state or experience like a thought/symptom try to give yourself compassion rather than shunning yourself. My attitude towards my DP/negative emotions for years was "your stupid and weak you should have control over this by now". That horrific attitude towards myself my whole life learnt from my parents, is the reason I'm in this mess. Get out of your own way, and allow yourself to feel these shitty symptoms without constantly giving yourself a hard time about it. It's helping me recently


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

That's good advice. It just all feels about two years too late for me. I saw a good therapist from end of 2014 to end of 2015. It was psychodynmaic therapy. I don't think she did a great deal but encourage me to make positive changes in my life and probably didn't treat me like complete rubbish like my parents have for most of my life. I had a very very fucked up upbringing. My dad is/was a total wanker at times. Horrible man.

I think good therapists are out there, but so hard to find. Where yours trauma and dissociation trained? I think without that, it ain't gonna work at all. They won't know what is going on.


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

Two years too late? Never too late in my opinion. I often find myself thinking negatively about myself or my situation. When I catch myself I can stop but then there is still almost a conditioned underlying feeling of shame/guilt/fear. It's always there. Definitely trauma I can't remember. And what I can remember is already horrific.
Yeh snap my father is a literal psychopath I think. What makes it worse is he has this nicey nicey charming exterior and people would never believe me if they knew what he was to me like as a child. Just a manipulative control freak. 
I've never had trauma/dissociation trained therapists but definitely should have. I have found someone online who seems a very sweet woman who has been through trauma herself. Have just moved so will start in a couple of weeks and let you know how it goes. She seems non-duality based and just to treat your negative emotions with kindness


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

That sounds promising. I think I told you about the PODS service. You can email the lady who runs that and she can give you a list of therapists in your area.

I grew up with trauma - it was embedded within my DNA. But what I have gone through in the last 1.5 years is too much. And it's not fucking over - that's the worst thing. If my DP/DR is (at least in part) driven by overwhelming emotional experiences that I cannot handle, then it's only going to be ongoing. Because I am still getting my cravings and that is driving me fucking crazy.

I definitely need the right help and it's just a waiting game at the moment. Just come on and hurry up!


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