# My Story: Lifelong DP and my recovery



## MK194 (Feb 19, 2014)

I cannot remember a time without DP. Previously, my dissociated periods were few and far between. I didn't recognize them then for what they were. I thought these symptoms - emotional numbness, the fog, the muting of my sensations - were not symptoms but just something everyone experienced periodically.

I had many seemingly inexplicable symptoms throughout my childhood: DP periods, a NECESSITY to cross-dress (I felt I needed to look as un-feminine as socially acceptable so as not to be noticed as a girl), inability to sleep, horrific nightmares, many bizarre fears (specifically of physical contact and intimacy), paranoia (particularly in regards to sleeping).

I also had panic attacks, which I did not recognize as abnormal. My freshman year of college my nightmares became increasingly disturbing and upsetting. Most of them involved sexual abuse. I began to read online about symptoms of sexual abuse in childhood and was shocked by the similarities in all of my symptoms- down to those that I thought were most bizarre (some examples: burning desire to lock doors after entering them, a very in-depth sexual knowledge at a young age, etc). I also read that memories could be suppressed, although this is a controversial belief- one that I now firmly know to be true. Shortly after beginning this research and attempting to do some self-discovery, I had a massive panic attack. I told my boyfriend of two years that I believed I had been sexually abused as a child but could not remember the details. He calmed me by convincing me that if I couldn't remembers specifics than my mind had likely fabricated the situation.

About a year later - fall semester of my sophomore year- I was at a party at a friend's house. I do not drink alcohol but all of my teammates did, and they throw large events that I usually attend. All night a man continually pestered me to dance but I refused, my panic increasing. I had always had a fear of men and of physical contact with anyone. While these feelings had decreased as I grew older, I was still very uncomfortable with the situation. As the alcohol ran out early in the morning, the party wound down. The music was still extremely loud and the dancing area crowded, but many rooms in the house were practically devoid of people. As I guarded the door to the bathroom for a friend the man aggressively approached me. When I still refused to dance he pushed me into the kitchen. There were several other guys in there so I at least felt a little safe. Little did I know, they were all the man's friends. He told me he wanted to be with me. I refused. He then grabbed my arm so hard it left a bruise for a week, and tried to drag me out the back door. I was frozen in fear, being pulled along. I tried to scream but my voice only came out at a muted level. I gasped wide-eyed at the other boys but they just laughed.

Luckily my friend emerged from the bathroom and in an irate drunken rage began swinging fists in my defense. The man released her, swearing. I grabbed her, told our friends to kick the man out, and left the party crying.

After that, flashbacks began, primarily in the form of nightmares .My depersonalization increased suddenly and drastically, as did my paranoia. After several weeks of depersonalizing almost daily I realized there was something severely wrong and decided to see a therapist.

My symptoms continued to worsen through most of spring semester. I hardly slept - sometimes sleeping only two hours out of sixty. My anxiety ramped up my metabolism alarmingly and I ate almost constantly. However, I still lost about 15 lb.

First, I wallowed in the symptoms. I was terrified. I was paranoid. I sealed myself away, watching TV in my room for hours and only emerging for class and practice. I destroyed friendships and began the destruction of my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend of 3.5 years.

Then came spring break. My beloved teammates and I planned a trip to Florida. On the car ride I had a thought: "We're missing someone." I went through the list of people I would want to come.... they were all there. Then it hit me: I was missing myself. I cried and depersonalized. In an attempt to feel emotion I scratched off a large piece of skin on my wrist.

That episode was a turning point. I dedicated myself to my recovery. Upon my return home I told my therapist everything I had been unwilling to go through before. I vomited in her trashcan but made it through the session. She and I used EMDR therapy to approach my abuse. It sounded wacky to me at first but it worked beautifully, despite it's difficulty.

As I faced all of my fears, the depersonalization gradually began to be easier to control.

Unfortunately my fear of men and intimacy became so great that my relationship with my boyfriend ended.

However, I am doing a lot better. I smile. I live. I am now working on repairing any damage that occurred in my life while I was under the hold of DP- repairing relationships and really enjoying every day.

What I would say to others is: RECOGNIZE THAT IT IS A SYMPTOM- A CONDITION CAUSED BY AN UNDERLYING FACTOR. You must identify and face that factor, however painful it might be. And you must WORK HARD. This was the most exhausting and painful journey of my life. I've never put so much effort into something: physical, emotional, and mental. I am not 100% but I am close. And I can say for the first time in about a year, I am feeling very positive. I'm feeling like I will be better when this is all over than I was before it began.

Hope you all can find an outcome as good as mine.

EDIT:

For actual tips-

1. Like I said above... FACE THE CAUSE and put in the work

2. Remember what brings you joy: When I was at my DP worst I stopped hiking and being outside, I avoided people, I didn't paint or draw or write like usual. The more I started forcing myself into social situations I used to enjoy and the more I engaged myself in outdoor adventures and art, the better I felt. Not only are they distractions from the symptoms they are a relief. Remember what brings you happiness and do them until you feel happy again.

3. Don't seal yourself away: this pretty much goes hand in hand with number two.

4. SLEEP. My insomnia made the DP way worse. My bizarre sleep remedy: warm milk and honey, a fan, nature sounds music, and a new cuddly kitten I adopted.

5. Be your own motivation: Before my spring break episode my motivation was other people. I thought " I need to get better to keep my relationship. I need to get better to make my parents stop worrying. I need to get better to do better in school and impress professors." It wasn't until I felt I'd lost myself, and that I wanted to do better to gain MYSELF back, that the motivation became strong enough to overwhelm the disparity.

6. Go to a therapist/psyciatrist. I never would have been able to see and understand my mind the way I had if it weren't for the therapist I saw. Though I was skeptical at first, she really did save me.

7. Diet: a lot of people on this forum swear by diet changes. I didn't do anything drastic- just cut down on my sugar and my caffeine. I felt a lot more in control of my energy once I eliminated most of those. Also, drinking water constantly seemed to help me a lot, and curbed my ridiculous eating and high metabolism a little bit.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

Thank you. Pretty much what I've been saying here. Face your fears, shatter your delusions, learn to love yourself.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

wow thats awesome.. how do u know that u were sexually abused? how did u uncover memories u didnt know existed ?

did u suffer existential fears. what symptoms of dp did u have,.


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## MK194 (Feb 19, 2014)

@Innocents: I really do believe that DP is a symptom. Perhaps a better word is "coping mechanism". I recognize it's a disociative disorder -hence it's name- but I truly believe it's caused by an underlying factor: chronic stress, anxiety, a traumatic event. When I believed it was simply a chronic disorder I was stuck with (like I said I suffered from episodes since I can first remember, previous to falling into the almost constant state I suffered from this year) it was impossible to shatter. Once I accepted that there was something mental and emotional causing it, I was able to find a way to conquer it.

@katieJ I had a suspicion for a long time but the memories were hazy. Like, I could remember events occuring but not where they happened or with whom. So, I thought that maybe they weren't real memories. I had horrific nightmares in extreme detail but also thought they were more of a figment of my imagination. It was until the event in college that my memories were really triggered. It wasn't like I suddenly remembered, more like bits and pieces started fitting together. For example, I finally recognized the place all the memories were in was my after-kindergarten daycare bathroom. And I finally remembered the face of the man, etc.

As for symptoms: I had existential fears, total emotional separation/numbness, the feeling that I was deep inside my body (some people say "out of body experience" but mine was more that I was trapped deep down inside looking out- if that makes sense), muted sensations (colors and noises), paranoia (that I was going crazy, that any and every man would try to attack me, that I was going to be killed in my sleep, etc.), insomnia, extreme anxiety, weight loss with metabolism increase (this was more the anxiety than the DP), anti-social behavior......


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## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

Thanks for sharing your story MK194, it is wonderful that you were able to make sense and recover those lost memories. Can you describe how this affected your DP/DR? (did those gradually reduce, etc.)



Innocents said:


> Glad you ate better, but one thing I particularly find ignorant and annoying us when people say DP is just a symptom. For many it is, but experiencing it all the time in a chronic form is far from being just a symptom, its a disorder. And 90% of people here experience it at all times.


Symptom or disorder...the 2 are not mutually exclusive. It can be a symptom of an underlying problem, while being a big problem in and of itself.


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## MK194 (Feb 19, 2014)

@themaxx10. I don't know how to directly reply, so hopefully you end up seeing this! In the beginning, when the memories were triggered (starting intensely in October of 2013) the DP increased dramatically. From occurring about once every two weeks for a few hours - as it had all my life I can remember - until it was basically daily and nearly constant in about February-March. Each time I thought about the childhood trauma I became very emotionally overwhelmed until I ended up depersonalizing. So reliving the memories int he beginning was really detrimental. But, going through the EMDR therapy helped my mind to recognize the flashbacks for what they were: memories, which had no grasp on my current reality. I also gained some techniques that helped me a lot: like focusing exercises, and a stream of consciousness journal which I wrote in while I was in touch with myself and then read while I was depersonalized to sort of remind myself what my feelings were and what my reality was. After gaining that realization and using those tools my DP symptoms dramatically decreased. I am still struggling with keeping myself completely "here" all the time. Basically what I'm trying to do now is face difficulties in a balanced state- not depersonalizing and not having panic attacks. But, my "episodes" are very far inbetween and extremely mild in comparison with before. Hopefully that helps to answer your question?

And I think you said it best: it is a symptom of a problem while being a major life altering issue in itself. Recovering the memories obviously wouldn't have been an issue, if it weren't for them causing the DP. So while the DP was the symptom, it was also the issue.


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## yeleen (Nov 23, 2014)

ive been sexually abused ,with no doubt ,medical records , my mother testimony and my own memories .ive never blocked it but did not think about it .so i do know the cause of my DP ,but yet its not helping me . you say it helps to know the underlying cause but how ?

ive been detached from myself for so long ,thats all i know .


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## Guest (Nov 24, 2014)

Mk194.. that's quite a story of courage and determination. Thanks for the insightful topic and posts. I'm sorry you to read you were sexually abused. It's such an awful thing and I struggle to believe that anyone could that to a child, but unfortunately we know it happens. It's great you found a good therapist who's helped so much. I believe a good therapist is a very important part of the healing journey of childhood sexual abuse and dissociative disorders also.

I realised after a while of therapy, that we learn how to do a lot of the work on our own as we go. Hmm.. put it another way. We become our own therapists and can begin to work through the difficult times that may present, instead of dissociating. To actually 'feel' life is kind of bizarre in a way, but it has many rewards hey?

Keep up the good work the kudos to you.

Zed


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## Guest (Nov 24, 2014)

yeleen said:


> ive been sexually abused ,with no doubt ,medical records , my mother testimony and my own memories .ive never blocked it but did not think about it .so i do know the cause of my DP ,but yet its not helping me . you say it helps to know the underlying cause but how ?
> 
> ive been detached from myself for so long ,thats all i know .


Hi yeleen. I'm sorry to hear you've been sexually abused as well. It helps a lot to remember, as painful as it is, it's an important part of healing. I've had people say to me, "we only remember the trauma when it's time, when we're strong enough to cope with it and begin to work through it to resolve it." I believe those words are true.

I know what you mean when you said 'I've been detached from myself for so long, that's all I know.'... I felt that way too when I first started remembering years of sexual abuse. I've found, as I've healed I've become much more 'attached' and far less dissociative. It happens slowly, and it's organic and gentle.

Take care

Zed


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## yeleen (Nov 23, 2014)

thanks for your Support .It is not painful for me to think about my sexual abuse and thats whats so weird .
I ve never blocked it , i remenber it clearly , i know about it but i cant feel it, no hurt ,no shame ,no nothing .
i intectualise and Analyse everything ,i dont just feels .
But often People see Feelings on my face , telling me you look so sad ,or so ,or so , they read Feelings on my face that myself are not Aware that im Feeling .
so Feelings are there ,since People see them ,but aomehow there is a wire Problem between my Body and myself .


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## Guest (Nov 28, 2014)

yeleen said:


> thanks for your Support .It is not painful for me to think about my sexual abuse and thats whats so weird .
> I ve never blocked it , i remenber it clearly , i know about it but i cant feel it, no hurt ,no shame ,no nothing .
> i intectualise and Analyse everything ,i dont just feels .
> But often People see Feelings on my face , telling me you look so sad ,or so ,or so , they read Feelings on my face that myself are not Aware that im Feeling .
> so Feelings are there ,since People see them ,but aomehow there is a wire Problem between my Body and myself .


I'd suggest that the feelings around the abuse are dissociated and 'locked away'. It's probably something you learnt to do when you were younger and still carry that ability (to dissociate) to put the feelings away. Sometimes I say, it's like they're boxed up somewhere and I don't know to to reach them, but they come eventually.

I had, and still have to some degree dissociated feelings around my abuse. i can sit there and talk about the most awful things, with no emotions expressed. That's how dissociation can work.. it'll 'take away' the feelings so we can still function. Over time, particularly when you feel safe, the feelings will emerge. Sometimes, for me they come out quite random and it takes a while to understand what they'e connected to. For instance I might be doing something and all of sudden get overwhelmed with sadness, and it doesn't seem to make sense.. usually though after a while, I'll understand where the sadness came from. It's like putting a jigsaw puzzle together sometimes.

To intellectualise and analyse everything is a very DPD thing to do. B/c you're disconnected from your feelings and emotions (and feel quite numb) , all you have left is your intellect, and it's the one that makes all the decisions, so it works too hard. It does seem like there's a wiring problem at first between our bodies and minds, but when you begin to understand it's a natural way for the mind to protect us, it makes sense&#8230; Re-connecting with body, feelings and emotions takes a bit of work and understanding, but it's quite doable. Feeling safe is an important part of the process...


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