# Please help- my story (short)



## Newhope85 (Jun 28, 2006)

Hi there. I have suffered from depersonalization for 10 years. I also have treatment resistant major depression. I have been hospitalized many times and have had numerous suicide attempts. I want to get better but don't know how. My illnesses have left me completly usless. I'm unable to work or even leave the house.

Current symptoms:

-feeling insane

-can't get a grip on reality

-brain feels damaged from so many meds

-deep depression

-fatigue

-suicidal thoughts

Current medications:

-effexor 300mg

-ativan 4mg

-lamictal-200mg

-olanzapein 5mg

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go back on lithium and try clomipramine maybe. I just have such little hope left. Any hope would be welcomed. I don't expect to be completely cured. I just want to be able to live a simple life and not die by suicide. Thanks


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## tryingtohelp (Apr 20, 2016)

Hey balladofadeadsoldier,

For me the scariest thing about dpdr was when I convinced myself that my brain's circuitry was permanently altered by my mental state. Before I had dpdr, I was obsessed with neuroscience: I fantasized over creating a computer processor that could emulate our neuroplasticity. When I got into Stanford, this became an even stronger fixation of mine. Then I went through what everyone with dpdr seems to go through: the "we are just brains" thing. I was absolutely convinced that my brain was undergoing a physical transformation from my thoughts because...well it seemed to make the most sense. In order to shake this off, I did the following:

Worked my ass of, running at least ten miles a day.

Acknowledged when I was stressed/anxious/being too harsh on myself. ---> This was the hardest thing to learn because so many of our thoughts are silent. I had to "feel" out which silence was good and which was bad, which can be difficult when dealing with mental chatter. I had to remind myself that the mantras I was repeating in my head (I.e. "it's ok, it's ok, it's ok," "STOP, STOP, STOP," "it's more that that") only contributed to this mental chatter.

Appreciated nature. When you zone try to be somewhere peaceful, so at least your zoning out on some nice shit.

Finally, try working up your confidence. Ask a girl out. Finding love never hurts. And don't feel obligated to be your own garbage man who has to balance ever peasantry with something shitty. The universe is a cold, desolate place and we all happen to make up this cold, desolate place just by existing. It's your and only your job to keep your core warm. It helps picturing everyone you think about, good or bad, all having a group hug with you in the center. That way you have some positive energy to work with.

I just wanna say that 1 and 4 are going to be the first things for you to doubt. It's not because you're lazy, but it's because you're too practical. Being too practical isn't always a good thing (just like confusing over thinking with deep thinking). When thinking about how hard or ridiculous they seem, think about how much harder and ridiculous it would seem to not take a leap of faith in curing the chronic dpdr you so desperately want get rid of.


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## Newhope85 (Jun 28, 2006)

Thanks for the reply. I just have zero motivation. I've been doing this so long I don't know how much farther I can go. I just wish there was new medication or something or new treatment I have not tried. I tried to keep busy and all that but it never did much. I'm going to give recovery one more shot then I'm done. I've been on over 30 different medications, had 24 sessions of electroshock therapy, been in cbt therapy for 2 years, and been hospitalized over 10 times. I'm obviously the worst of the worst so I don't want to depress you because I think most people do recover. I'm just an extreme case. I just want a simple life with a little peace.

Strangely though I don't see the world as being cold and desolate place despite everything I've been through. I've always been a very spiritual person balanced with practicality. I think that life is ultimately good, I just can't see it is all. So many people have wonderful and happy lives and that makes me feel better about life. It would suck if everyone was like me. I'm mostly a buddhist so I lean towards those beliefs. They help me some. It just sucks because I'm about 60-70 percent sure that eventually I could die by suicide. And one, I don't want to hurt my family and two, I don't know what, if anything, happens after death. I hope something dose. I read a lot of near death experience to give me some hope, even if it's not real. Sorry for blabbing on, I don't talk to very many people. Thanks for responding and thanks for listening. You don't have to respond to this message if you don't want to.


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## Kitten123 (Mar 2, 2016)

*Everything i'm about to say is from my personal experience.*

I've been struggling with DP and DR for the past 10 years as well.

I can totally relate to your story.

My DP and DR symptoms are probably the worst of all.

I was self-diagnosed first, and then officially diagnosed by a Psychotherapist.

But for me, since i'm an Anti-Medications person in my nature, i did not take any kind of medications.

I treat my self the Cognitive way only.

I meet with my Therapist, and i do all of the "Home Work" and "Self study" by myself.

It hurts, and it's probably the longest way to treat it, But i believe this is the way that will make me the strongest.

Medications may help in certain cases, but i personally don't believe it, Because no body proved me something is Physically wrong with my brain - therefore i don't see any use of these medications. (Again, this is my opinion)

I, too, tried to commit suicide about 4 times.

My life seemed useless to me. I started to lose interest in the most important things to me. It made me so frustrated that i cannot enjoy what i love.

I started to get deep depression symptoms.

The saddest thing was, that i didn't even know what i'm dealing with for 9 years - up until i diagnosed myself.

Dealing with an unknown monster is the worst feeling ever.

You start to fear yourself. You fall down into a bottomless black hole.

Then you sit there, in an empty room, like a soldier who have lost the battle, staring at NOTHING, thinking NOTHING, feeling NOTHING....Basically, you "become" NOTHING.

And this is the point when you think - *"Ah....I lost myself completely". *

*BUT. (It's a big but if you can see...)*

Thant's only *what your mind made you think.*

the same *Mind that made you suffer numerous of times.* The same Mind that had so many *useless thoughts* and *hurtful thoughts*.

The same Mind *that let the DP and DR take over your life.*

That "Mind" is not your *Real Mind.* If you will look back, you will see it. *The "Mind" you used to have* before the DP and DR.

You will start to miss it. That old Mind of yours.

And at that point,

Once you notice that "small point",

It will *HIT* you.

(Even if you've already realized it, it will hit you again.)

The fact that your current way of thinking, feeling and living - *is WRONG*. *IS POISONED*.

*It will hit you like a truck. *

It's painful and it makes you feel even more miserable.

But it's probably one of the few HUGE hits you will get on your way to success.

After that,

I managed to find motivation by thinking about how *AMAZING* my life will look like once i'm out of this HELL.

I kept on making myself believe that i am doing my best to take care of my life.

*NOTHING WILL CHANGE IF I WON'T TAKE CARE OF IT MYSELF.*

I kept on telling it to myself every morning, every night.

I knew what i'm going to go through in order to* win this battle.*

And you know what?

It totally did not bothered me.

And why not?

Because - I've already went through 10 years of DP and DR and made it *THIS FAR.*

So is there really anything i cannot deal with?

Give me a break.

I've once heard the DP is the Cancer of the soul.

But, you know what is the difference?

*We can cure ourselves. *

I do tons of meditations to relax my body, Read motivation stories, Listen to people who went through the same experience, go against all of my fears - i Retraumatize myself, i spit blood and cry endlessly -

*JUST TO GET STRONGER. *

It really is painful and frustrating to go through that process, but you can trust these words -

*YOU WILL GET YOUR LIFE BACK. *

Please, don't give up.

If you give up - you won't get it back.

Remember this.

STAY STRONG. Even a defeated solider have dreams and goals.

*LIVE FOR IT AND ACHIEVE IT.*

Much love,

Kitten.


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## Findinghope7 (Nov 6, 2017)

What kinda drugs did u experiment with before you got dp?


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I got a major depressive disorder when I was 17. I would have a major episode approximately every decade. 73, 81, 92, 08, 2013. The episodes featured horrible insomnia and very bad anxiety. Typically, I would lose 30 lbs with each episode. They

were epic struggles for survival and took 6 months going down, and another 12 months coming back up. In between major episodes, I experienced spells and altered consciousness. Racing thoughts, unwanted intrusive thoughts, extreme fatigue, dp/dr,

you name it. Almost 40 years after I became mentally ill with depression, I was still searching for answers but not really hoping anymore to find them. Then I found a British Medical Journal that described my trauma at 17.

I was smoking cannabis aggressively seeking to get high for the 1st time. Instead of getting high, something unexpected occurred. I had an epigastric aura followed by several minutes of epileptic discharges at intervals of 5 seconds.

I guess that fried my temporal lobe, as I developed post ictal psychosis which segued into the affective disorder of major depression. It was all explained in this journal, and I was deemed to be a worse case scenario. Because I had

experienced all of the unique symptoms of the aura and epileptic seizure, I recognized it as the definitive explanation of why I led a life of so much suffering. So, I had an MRI with epilepsy protocol and an EEG done. The MRI was

ok, but the EEG showed significant pathology in my temporal lobe, which I had predicted to the Eptileptologist prior to the procedure. So in 2013, I felt I was finally at the end of my rope. My psychiatrist recommended ECT.

I think I had 10 shocks. A month or so later, I clearly started pulling out of the depression. Almost 5 years later, and I'm still moving in the right direction. I think I made it. I take a little Lexapro now, and that is all I need.

I wish I had done ECT when I was 17. I might have had an enjoyable life.


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