# I want to feel real again.



## Dprsnlized

Hi Everyone,

Im new to this site, but definately not new to depersonalization. When i was 14 I smoked pot for the first time. I had a very bad trip. I still dont know if it was laced with something or not. All of a sudden i felt like i was floating. Nothing felt real anymore, everything was distorted and i saw trails. I thought i was dying. When i finally came out of it 4 hours later, nothing looked real anymore. I still felt like i was in a dream and i could not feel my body anymore. I was completely numb. Has anyone ever had this kind of experience with marijuana? I have developed DP and DR from this experience and have been living with it for 11 years. I am now 25, married and have a 2 year old. I live in fear every day. I feel like i died 11 years ago and im making up this life in my head. I told people about how i felt and what happened to me, but no one seems to understand. I feel completely detached from my body like im beside myself or looking out through my eyes and seeing my body move automatically and i have no control over it. Florescent lights make it worse, even reading or being on the computer makes it worse. Everything still looks distorted and strange even after all of this time. I have about 3 or 4 severe panic attacks from this everyday. I just want to feel real again. I just started seeing a psyciatrist about 3 weeks ago, but she didnt know about this disorder. She just prescribed me zoloft, which i am taking. It helps with the panic attacks and the anxiety, but i still do not feel real. Im always questioning my own existence and all existence for that matter. I bought the book "Feeling Unreal" by Dr. Simeon, but it doesnt have any answers. Someone help!

~Ana~


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## Guest_

Definately talk to a psych. You obviously fear and obsess about dp/dr and most people can attest to the fact that fear and obsession make it constant and more severe. YOu need to relax. It never gets beyond your worst moment. You wont go crazy or mad, you just need to let it ride. Life is difficult with dp/dr but if you just allow your mind to stop the fighting and just be, then you can live easier.

See a psych for anxiety/panic help. Im sure that your probs will decrease dramatically if you manage those 2 aspects of DP. It will at least take alot of the fear away.


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## Dprsnlized

Yes I definaly fear and obsess about it that's for sure. Its just hard to live with it. My psyc put me on 25 mg. of zoloft, maybe i should be taking a higher dosage. I think im driving my husband crazy with all the DP and DR talk. I just wish it would go away. I just want to tell anyone who hasnt taken any drugs to not do it cause its definately not worth it.


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## Kev

Dprsnlized said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> Im new to this site, but definately not new to depersonalization. When i was 14 I smoked pot for the first time. I had a very bad trip. I still dont know if it was laced with something or not. All of a sudden i felt like i was floating. Nothing felt real anymore, everything was distorted and i saw trails. I thought i was dying. When i finally came out of it 4 hours later, nothing looked real anymore. I still felt like i was in a dream and i could not feel my body anymore. I was completely numb. Has anyone ever had this kind of experience with marijuana? I have developed DP and DR from this experience and have been living with it for 11 years. I am now 25, married and have a 2 year old. I live in fear every day. I feel like i died 11 years ago and im making up this life in my head. I told people about how i felt and what happened to me, but no one seems to understand. I feel completely detached from my body like im beside myself or looking out through my eyes and seeing my body move automatically and i have no control over it. Florescent lights make it worse, even reading or being on the computer makes it worse. Everything still looks distorted and strange even after all of this time. I have about 3 or 4 severe panic attacks from this everyday. I just want to feel real again. I just started seeing a psyciatrist about 3 weeks ago, but she didnt know about this disorder. She just prescribed me zoloft, which i am taking. It helps with the panic attacks and the anxiety, but i still do not feel real. Im always questioning my own existence and all existence for that matter. I bought the book "Feeling Unreal" by Dr. Simeon, but it doesnt have any answers. Someone help!
> 
> ~Ana~


Hi Ana, Hi all 

New to this forum, but not new to this flippin' weird condition.

Ana I can relate an awful lot to what you're experiencing, which is what promted me to register & reply, rather than just to read.

I started with this condition (which I don't like to Label as DP) about 12 years ago when I was 17, I personally think it was from a combination of things, I had been smoking some cannabis around that time (never before never since) and I had a lot of stress at that time coming from my parents splitting up. It's also woth noting at the time I had a very up & down sleep pattern too.

I remember the exact point at which it happened, I was walking through the carpark at college, on the way home, and I was very stressed & upset mainly about my parents, but also about college & about not knowing what I wanted to do, and then all of a sudden I felt as if a huge part of me just floated out through the top of my head!

Suddenly I felt as it I wasn't really here, as if I was asleep, dreaming, or seeing everything through someone elses eyes. I started to panic quite a bit & thought I was going insane. I even remember putting a spoon in boiling water & touching my arm with it to try to wake myself up. It didnt work, but it bloody hurt! :lol:

I do remember having glimses of this kind of feeling in the past but only for a split second, and I've spoken to many people who've experienced this briefly, but some how we lucky :wink: people have managed to find the on switch for this, and can't find the off switch, the "normal reality" switch.

Sometimes I feel as if I am actually aware above normal awareness, as if I'm slightly out of synch, I am aware of myself thinking, aware of myself being aware. You ever feel that?

I've done a lot of research into spiritual stuff, and actually there seem to be a lot of parallels to this condition we have, to levels of spiritual development that other people strive to acheive. For instance there are people who meditate in order to become aware of themselves at a higher level, "Transcendental Meditation" and I do sometimes wonder if this is actually some kind of spiritual enlightenment, as I have always had spiritual / Psychic experiences from a young age, and from what I have read many other people experiencing these symptoms have also had a number of spiritual or Psychic experiences.

Whatever this is Ana, just try to get on with your life as much as possible, you'll almost forget about it at times, and the more you relax about it & concentrate on living your life, the more chance there is that the symtoms will dissapear - this is what I believe anyway.

For the first few years it was terrible, but then I started to just live my life & try to forget, and although I'm always aware of it at some level, and sometimes there are certain things which make it bad again, such as stressful situations, usually I completely forget about it now, and quite often I feel just about normal again, IE almost whole, although I don't think I've ever felt completely whole, completely real, completelly "here & now" completely "ME" since that day 12 years ago - BUT I have become quite used to the way I feel now, and if I suddenly do find that switch & turn it off, I actually think I will still feel odd, as I've felt this way now for so long.

I have a fantastic & happy life now, and I believe everyone can who has this condition if they concentrate on living their life & just don't ponder it too much. I have 2 young children, one who's just started school, one at Pre-school, I have a great Marriage, I have a thriving business, I'm healthy, I love my life & wouldn't swap it for the world. I tend to feel at my best when I am doing the things I love to do, and I tend to fall into deeper levels of this feeling at times of stress or worry, or tiredness.

If I ever want to feel this state deeper (for some sadistic reason or just as an experiment) all I have to do is sit & ponder the world, the universe, and start asking myself questions such as "what is at the end of the universe" or "if god created the universe, what was here before?" or " if god is all that there is, then what started it?" or "what was at the beginning of everything - and what was before that??"

Just now typing this, it's working, I'm slipping deeper "inside myself" and I don't enjoy it, BUT on the flip side, by doing something I love doing such as surfing (waves that is, not the web) or spending quality time with my wife, and playing with my kids, or watching a great movie, or even just thinking about these things, I get loads better, even to the point feeling completely real again, or maybe just enjoying myself too much to realise I'm not, either way that is what I find helps.

Also, try to get into a good sleep pattern. I find I'm a lot worse when I've been having a lot of late nights, and when I feel rested I feel a lot better generally. Having one good nights sleep won't help, in fact I find it can make me worse - but actually getting into a good sleep pattern, a routine, over a period of months, this really seems to help me.

Just know that you're not Insane Ana, and you're not alone, there are a massive number of people with these symptoms now, and know that things will only get better, and one day, either in this life or beyond, we'll all know the true meaning of this, and I beleive there's a reason for everything. So for now, just try to push it out of your mind, and do your best to enjoy your life.

Hope this helps

Cheers 

Kev


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## Kev

Dprsnlized said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> Im new to this site, but definately not new to depersonalization. When i was 14 I smoked pot for the first time. I had a very bad trip. I still dont know if it was laced with something or not. All of a sudden i felt like i was floating. Nothing felt real anymore, everything was distorted and i saw trails. I thought i was dying. When i finally came out of it 4 hours later, nothing looked real anymore. I still felt like i was in a dream and i could not feel my body anymore. I was completely numb. Has anyone ever had this kind of experience with marijuana? I have developed DP and DR from this experience and have been living with it for 11 years. I am now 25, married and have a 2 year old. I live in fear every day. I feel like i died 11 years ago and im making up this life in my head. I told people about how i felt and what happened to me, but no one seems to understand. I feel completely detached from my body like im beside myself or looking out through my eyes and seeing my body move automatically and i have no control over it. Florescent lights make it worse, even reading or being on the computer makes it worse. Everything still looks distorted and strange even after all of this time. I have about 3 or 4 severe panic attacks from this everyday. I just want to feel real again. I just started seeing a psyciatrist about 3 weeks ago, but she didnt know about this disorder. She just prescribed me zoloft, which i am taking. It helps with the panic attacks and the anxiety, but i still do not feel real. Im always questioning my own existence and all existence for that matter. I bought the book "Feeling Unreal" by Dr. Simeon, but it doesnt have any answers. Someone help!
> 
> ~Ana~


Hi Ana, Hi all 

New to this forum, but not new to this flippin' weird condition.

Ana I can relate an awful lot to what you're experiencing, which is what promted me to register & reply, rather than just to read.

I started with this condition (which I don't like to Label as DP) about 12 years ago when I was 17, I personally think it was from a combination of things, I had been smoking some cannabis around that time (never before never since) and I had a lot of stress at that time coming from my parents splitting up. It's also woth noting at the time I had a very up & down sleep pattern too.

I remember the exact point at which it happened, I was walking through the carpark at college, on the way home, and I was very stressed & upset mainly about my parents, but also about college & about not knowing what I wanted to do, and then all of a sudden I felt as if a huge part of me just floated out through the top of my head!

Suddenly I felt as it I wasn't really here, as if I was asleep, dreaming, or seeing everything through someone elses eyes. I started to panic quite a bit & thought I was going insane. I even remember putting a spoon in boiling water & touching my arm with it to try to wake myself up. It didnt work, but it bloody hurt! :lol:

I do remember having glimses of this kind of feeling in the past but only for a split second, and I've spoken to many people who've experienced this briefly, but some how we lucky :wink: people have managed to find the on switch for this, and can't find the off switch, the "normal reality" switch.

Sometimes I feel as if I am actually aware above normal awareness, as if I'm slightly out of synch, I am aware of myself thinking, aware of myself being aware. You ever feel that?

I've done a lot of research into spiritual stuff, and actually there seem to be a lot of parallels to this condition we have, to levels of spiritual development that other people strive to acheive. For instance there are people who meditate in order to become aware of themselves at a higher level, "Transcendental Meditation" and I do sometimes wonder if this is actually some kind of spiritual enlightenment, as I have always had spiritual / Psychic experiences from a young age, and from what I have read many other people experiencing these symptoms have also had a number of spiritual or Psychic experiences.

Whatever this is Ana, just try to get on with your life as much as possible, you'll almost forget about it at times, and the more you relax about it & concentrate on living your life, the more chance there is that the symtoms will dissapear - this is what I believe anyway.

For the first few years it was terrible, but then I started to just live my life & try to forget, and although I'm always aware of it at some level, and sometimes there are certain things which make it bad again, such as stressful situations, usually I completely forget about it now, and quite often I feel just about normal again, IE almost whole, although I don't think I've ever felt completely whole, completely real, completelly "here & now" completely "ME" since that day 12 years ago - BUT I have become quite used to the way I feel now, and if I suddenly do find that switch & turn it off, I actually think I will still feel odd, as I've felt this way now for so long.

I have a fantastic & happy life now, and I believe everyone can who has this condition if they concentrate on living their life & just don't ponder it too much. I have 2 young children, one who's just started school, one at Pre-school, I have a great Marriage, I have a thriving business, I'm healthy, I love my life & wouldn't swap it for the world. I tend to feel at my best when I am doing the things I love to do, and I tend to fall into deeper levels of this feeling at times of stress or worry, or tiredness.

If I ever want to feel this state deeper (for some sadistic reason or just as an experiment) all I have to do is sit & ponder the world, the universe, and start asking myself questions such as "what is at the end of the universe" or "if god created the universe, what was here before?" or " if god is all that there is, then what started it?" or "what was at the beginning of everything - and what was before that??"

Just now typing this, it's working, I'm slipping deeper "inside myself" and I don't enjoy it, BUT on the flip side, by doing something I love doing such as surfing (waves that is, not the web) or spending quality time with my wife, and playing with my kids, or watching a great movie, or even just thinking about these things, I get loads better, even to the point feeling completely real again, or maybe just enjoying myself too much to realise I'm not, either way that is what I find helps.

Also, try to get into a good sleep pattern. I find I'm a lot worse when I've been having a lot of late nights, and when I feel rested I feel a lot better generally. Having one good nights sleep won't help, in fact I find it can make me worse - but actually getting into a good sleep pattern, a routine, over a period of months, this really seems to help me.

Just know that you're not Insane Ana, and you're not alone, there are a massive number of people with these symptoms now, and know that things will only get better, and one day, either in this life or beyond, we'll all know the true meaning of this, and I beleive there's a reason for everything. So for now, just try to push it out of your mind, and do your best to enjoy your life.

Hope this helps

Cheers 

Kev


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## The_Shadow

I know the feeling!

"I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN!"

"I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN!"


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## Raindrops

Kev, I experience the exact things as you. When I was much younger, I used to ask those kinds of questions, and at times, slip into DP. It only lasted for two seconds, but I did not forget how scary it was. When I turned seventeen, I was under a huge amount of stress, and DP snuck up on me. It went away later on down the years, and the weird thing; I was not aware of its fading.

Here recently it came back. Stress was the culprit. I suddenly felt spacey/trance/dream like state. I had a deadline on my novels, and it overwhelmed me. It happened so quickly, I did not know what hit me until afterward. Now, I feel like I live inside my mind, and although I see everything going on around me, I do not feel connected. It's a weird feeling.

I can occupy my time with writing, but after I finish staring at a comp screen for hours, it's like I've lost time or something. I can't explain it. I just know that I go through the emotions of life, but do not feel the reality part. I have no energy and I stay up during the night, and rest when the sun comes up. The night seems to deepen my DP, so I do not bother to shut my eyes. Besides, it feels like a black empty space behind my eye lids. Also, sometimes I notice that sound intensifies. Does this happen to anyone? I guess it's just another unexplainable symptom.

My husband sometimes feels this way, but he has diabetes/MS. My oldest son experienced this about three months ago, and my mom told me she has also experienced DP in her younger years. I read somewhere that DP can be hereditary, and if it's true, I know who I took after.


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## Raindrops

Lights also enhances the DP. :roll:


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## tara_lynn

Hey... I'm new to this whole thing so I really don't know where to start. For me it all started happening after I had some really bad experiences with pot. After that it was like I was living in a dream-world, like I was half awake, half-dreaming. Sometimes it gets so bad I'm afriad that I'm not really alive and I try to hold on so hard to what little reality is left. I feel like it gets worse when it's hot out... or if I'm really crowded. I don't know, I just wish I could wake up in the mornming and know for sure that I've woken up.

-TL

P.S. Sometimes this is all accompanied by a tingly feeling with everything I have contact with and my vision becomes slightly fuzzy like a tv channel when it's off the air.


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## chills

WOW DUDE..

im 16 years old and i had the exact same experience u described when u were 14 with pot except mine was about 2 months ago.. i had an extrememly bad trip and passed out (maybe laced) finally my friends found me and brought me home.. i only remember slight glimpses of what actually happened that night.. i think i was running barefoot

ive been suffering now for a long time and wow this gives me reassurance that im not the only 1 that this happened to cuz every1 else seemed fine i guess i jus took too long of a hit

if u have any suggestions bout how u dealt with urs plzz share with me because i can hardly focus in school especially in philosophy class where everything they say seems to be exactly whats been happening in my lifew after that happened
anyways ive been tryin to survive by researching and went and got some multivitamins/omega 3 flax oils


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## Lynch_mob

Raindrops said:


> Lights also enhances the DP. :roll:


Shopping Malls = Hell

I think your right about the light's mate. I have the same feeling. the brighter it is the more uncomfrtable you are, are you afraid of being there for everyone to see? or that everyone can see you? it's like i feel so out of place at a shopping centre(being the worst) i kind of find myself deevolving in social behaviour i sort of drag my feet after a while, the longer i'm there the more i feel like i'm falling apart socially. hard to describe


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## xsuperx

grr i feel the same, i feel like i died, when i was 14, over a year ago
when i stupidly smoked weed for a few weeks.

i want to make it better, seeing my family upsets me because it reminds me of when i was younger, and it feels like i have murderd sum1, i know it was myself but i feel unnatached from myself and i really want my old feelings back.

it gets really bad in different settings aka holiday and the woods


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## Janeinahole

Hi there!

I had exactly the same experience in 2001. I took pot (ingested not smoked) hated the feeling, panicked and woke up the next morning 'not real'. That was in 2001. Nobody in the UK had ever heard of anything happening from single use of pot like that and I was diagnosed with anxiety. Although it was a long process, I did get better and now only have odd bouts (like at the moment  ) But once you have made a full recovery once it does get easier. It's so good to hear people describing the same experiences though, because most GPs even specialists just look at me like I'm an alien! Charlie


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## amphibians

Hi everyone!

I'm 17 years old, but I've never ever in my whole life taken drugs.
I've always been against drugs, and I will always be.
Still, I have DS. Well, I haven't been diagnostized as having it..
But I have the symptoms. And I've been living with this constantly, 24/7, every second, since 4 years back.

I've read all of your replies, but I don't remember how or when was "my first time". I can't remember when I felt this "unreality" (DS symptoms) for the first time. It makes me so confused, and I don't know how many times I've asked my parents if I'm really alive. I still, sometimes, try to remember.
What went wrong? What happened? I can't remember. So, since I can't remember I "felt DS" the first time.. I make up stories. Like, I maybe got killed. Or I'm in a coma. And I believe these stories. But still.. I don't believe them. Somewhere in my body or soul, somewhere.. 
There's a small, small sparkle of hope. That I'm still alive, and I do have DS.

Even though I don't remember my first "DS time", I think that it showed up somewhere when I started to get panic attacks. I believe it has something to do with that. I don't have panic attacks now, since I know how to handle them. And by the way, that feels great !

I've talked to so many terapists/psychologists and doctors so I can't count them all. Right now I'm talking to this woman at BUP, it's a place here in Sweden where young people ( under the age of 18 ), like me get free help talking to terapists/pshychologists and stuff. This woman, let's call her Ann. Ann has given me a medication called Lyrica. I quit it for some months ago, because it didn't help. And since a year back I take this thingy called Sertralin. It didn't help me either, but the reason why I'm still using it is because it helps me with my mood. It helps me not to commit suicide or hurt me in any way. Thanks to that medication I'm still alive, I have to say.

Right now I'm waiting for getting another medication, that surely will delete DS. I've read about DS at Wikipedia, and I got really happy when there stood that there are solutions for take it away. 
I can't live with DS anymore. I can't live my life having DS.

Some of my symptoms:

# I have trouble sitting here, it's really tough for me to read some texts.
# The light. As some people already said, the light. 
# Sometimes I feel like, for some seconds, that I fly away. Like I have 2 souls, or something like that. It's not like I can see myself above or something, I'm still in my body but yeah. Hard to explain.

For a long time I've felt alone. Because of that I was depressed. I felt alone because I'd never ever heard about anyone having the same problems as me. God, so many times I've cried, cut myself and even tried to commit suicide. Until some months ago. I just happened.. I just stumbled on it. Depersonalization. I read about it. I found people describing the same problems that I have, that they had. That day.. It was at night, I still remember it. I just stared into the computer screen. Over and over I read the text, it was like I just couldn't get enough. Reading the text constantly was like a compensation for all the pain I had went through. 
5 minutes later I lied at my bed, crying of happiness.

I'm still so grateful of that day, of course I will always be. And I'm so grateful for being alive, and for this forum.
So thanks everyone, for posting :wink: !


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