# How is everyone doing?



## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

I haven't been on here in a few days. Someone should catch me up on things. I'm bored.

My DP is still lingering around, but I'm still functioning at about 85%, which is awesome. My anxiety has been bugging me a little bit the past few days, but nothing too serious. I haven't taken an Ativan in...4 weeks. Woo.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I'm doing well also. Started working full time which keeps me busy. I still have lingering symptoms as well, but its all part of the healing process. I take the next step in my Benzo withdrawal schedule on Wednesday morning so cross your fingers for me on that.

But life is good again. Who would have thought..

Glad you are doing well! That's quite the impressive Ativan record. I can't wait to be Benzo free.


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## Guest (May 12, 2009)

I remember how you were at your worst and really identified with the feelings you described. So to hear you've made such an impressive recovery fills me with kitten-punching excitement and hopey hope.

How come you came back to the forum? I imagine that if I ever got better, this is the last place I'd want to be. No offence to everyone here. You're all great people, but I think you know what I'm trying to say.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

I just moved to my new office. Everything here is so different it's triggered my DP to an ultimate, almost euphoric high. I mean, talk about a somewhat out of body experience. It's so bad I feel that I'm 50 feet in the back of my head chillin' while my body is doing all the work. It's a pretty interesting experience.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Matt, that's great to hear! Good luck, I'm sure you're only a small step away from complete dp recovery.

And skullasylum... You're not alone...


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## Guest (May 12, 2009)

My DP is bad and as for today it is making me really sad.  I think im loosing hope. I just want to cry because I hate this stupid life, and being stuck in this box that has no exit. I should be out hanging with friends and enjoying my life like other normal teenagers, but I just cant. I cant even sit through a movie in a theater without freaking out and having to walk out and stay there until its time to leave, I just dont know what to do.  And I cant even make it through one day without having a panic attack without my xanax. It reminds me of when I used to smoke weed and I would smoke too much and freak out cause I wanted to get out of the high, but there was no way out, it was already too late, I had already screwd up.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Brain Candy said:


> I remember how you were at your worst and really identified with the feelings you described. So to hear you've made such an impressive recovery fills me with kitten-punching excitement and hopey hope.
> 
> How come you came back to the forum? I imagine that if I ever got better, this is the last place I'd want to be. No offence to everyone here. You're all great people, but I think you know what I'm trying to say.


Unfortunately I'm mot 100%, which is why I come back to the forum. There is still that 15% that likes to play with me sometimes...hopefully that will lift soon.

You will get better! I didn't think I would ever be able to do anything again, but here I am several months later and I'm forcing myself to do things/get better. Sucks during those 15% times where I'm DPed and it tries to test me.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Matt210 said:


> I'm doing well also. Started working full time which keeps me busy. I still have lingering symptoms as well, but its all part of the healing process. I take the next step in my Benzo withdrawal schedule on Wednesday morning so cross your fingers for me on that.
> 
> But life is good again. Who would have thought..
> 
> Glad you are doing well! That's quite the impressive Ativan record. I can't wait to be Benzo free.


I'm glad you're on the uphill as well, Matt. Hopefully we will be 100% in no time. Benzo free is the way to be right now. They made me feel REALLY good, but what feels better is being able to handle the anxiety without them.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

skullasylum said:


> I just moved to my new office. Everything here is so different it's triggered my DP to an ultimate, almost euphoric high. I mean, talk about a somewhat out of body experience. It's so bad I feel that I'm 50 feet in the back of my head chillin' while my body is doing all the work. It's a pretty interesting experience.


That was me several months ago. Ugh. It will get better though. How's the lighting in there? That triggering more symptoms?


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

eduEDU1 said:


> My DP is bad and as for today it is making me really sad.  I think im loosing hope. I just want to cry because I hate this stupid life, and being stuck in this box that has no exit. I should be out hanging with friends and enjoying my life like other normal teenagers, but I just cant. I cant even sit through a movie in a theater without freaking out and having to walk out and stay there until its time to leave, I just dont know what to do.  And I cant even make it through one day without having a panic attack without my xanax. It reminds me of when I used to smoke weed and I would smoke too much and freak out cause I wanted to get out of the high, but there was no way out, it was already too late, I had already screwd up.


At my worst, I sat in my room rigid, not wanting to move because everything gave me a panic attack. I know exactly how you feel. There is light at the end of the tunnel though. I started going out and no matter how freaked I got, I forced myself to stay wherever I was and not leave. Leaving is too easy, and I put up the fight. In the future, I'm sure you will be able to as well. I still have minor freak outs where I think things aren't real and I question what's going on, but I still go about doing whatever. It gets easier and easier as you do it more and more.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

eduEDU1 said:


> My DP is bad and as for today it is making me really sad.  I think im loosing hope. I just want to cry because I hate this stupid life, and being stuck in this box that has no exit. I should be out hanging with friends and enjoying my life like other normal teenagers, but I just cant. I cant even sit through a movie in a theater without freaking out and having to walk out and stay there until its time to leave, I just dont know what to do.  And I cant even make it through one day without having a panic attack without my xanax. It reminds me of when I used to smoke weed and I would smoke too much and freak out cause I wanted to get out of the high, but there was no way out, it was already too late, I had already screwd up.


PS how long have you had DP?


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

konstantine02 said:


> eduEDU1 said:
> 
> 
> > My DP is bad and as for today it is making me really sad.  I think im loosing hope. I just want to cry because I hate this stupid life, and being stuck in this box that has no exit. I should be out hanging with friends and enjoying my life like other normal teenagers, but I just cant. I cant even sit through a movie in a theater without freaking out and having to walk out and stay there until its time to leave, I just dont know what to do.  And I cant even make it through one day without having a panic attack without my xanax. It reminds me of when I used to smoke weed and I would smoke too much and freak out cause I wanted to get out of the high, but there was no way out, it was already too late, I had already screwd up.
> ...


Not wanting to crash a thread but just want to say I remember when I had severe social phobia and anxiety....I always had to be near the exit to every room, I never sat down hardly incase I had to leave, I was always prepared to exit incase a panic attack hit me, it is hell but you can get through it Dannie.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

konstantine02 said:


> eduEDU1 said:
> 
> 
> > My DP is bad and as for today it is making me really sad.  I think im loosing hope. I just want to cry because I hate this stupid life, and being stuck in this box that has no exit. I should be out hanging with friends and enjoying my life like other normal teenagers, but I just cant. I cant even sit through a movie in a theater without freaking out and having to walk out and stay there until its time to leave, I just dont know what to do.  And I cant even make it through one day without having a panic attack without my xanax. It reminds me of when I used to smoke weed and I would smoke too much and freak out cause I wanted to get out of the high, but there was no way out, it was already too late, I had already screwd up.
> ...


I first got it about 3 1/2 years ago after I mixed DXM with weed and freaked out so bad I had to go to the hospital. The next year and a half after that was like hell, but then for some reason, it lightened up and almost dissapeared, and then me being really stupid and giving into peer pressure about 2 months ago, I did DXM again and had another panic attack, and every since then its been worse than it ever has been. But its somehow different this time, it may be the intensity of the DP is stronger, but I literally feel like I dont exist, I feel like skullasylum said up above only its not euphoric, its very much dysphoric.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Spirit said:


> Not wanting to crash a thread but just want to say I remember when I had severe social phobia and anxiety....I always had to be near the exit to every room, I never sat down hardly incase I had to leave, I was always prepared to exit incase a panic attack hit me, it is hell but you can get through it Dannie.


Thanks, Lynsey. And yes its exactly like that. Like me and my cousin dave and some friends and girls went to see a movie, and I was in there for about 30 minutes making myself control my mind and telling myself all i have to do is make it through this movie, and then I can go home. Cause I felt like I wasnt in the theater at all, like I just dissapeared. And finally I told them I had to go to the bathroom, and I went into the bathroom and breathed into a paper bag and stayed in one of the stalls until the movie was over. Thats just pathetic and I hate it.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

You can't help it, I know it's hell, but self hatred won't get you anywhere.


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## Conjurus (Oct 25, 2008)

Spirit said:


> self hatred won't get you anywhere.


Definately won't get you anywhere good that's for sure.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Precisely.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

konstantine02 said:


> There is still that 15% that likes to play with me sometimes...


Yeah, I like to play with myself too. That's why I squint so much and one of my arms is like Arnold Schwarzenegger's at the height of his weightlifting career.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

konstantine02 said:


> skullasylum said:
> 
> 
> > I just moved to my new office. Everything here is so different it's triggered my DP to an ultimate, almost euphoric high. I mean, talk about a somewhat out of body experience. It's so bad I feel that I'm 50 feet in the back of my head chillin' while my body is doing all the work. It's a pretty interesting experience.
> ...


Lighting is a big trigger for me. Unfortunately, it's all fluorescence (which really flower* me up) and I have no windows (again), so still no sunlight. It's unfortunate. I love art, I love my job, it just seems that anywhere I go I never get a window. The joys of graphic design. It seems almost all designers like poorly lit rooms with now windows.

I've always wanted to get a new job where I can get sunlight, it just seems that jobs in the art field always stick you in a room without windows and lots of fluorescent lights with bright computer monitors. You'd think, DP or not, that's gonna mess anyone up, yet, everyone seems to like it except for me.

On the plus side, it's encouragement to finally get off my ass and start looking for customers, I'm just horrible at sales.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

eduEDU1 said:


> konstantine02 said:
> 
> 
> > eduEDU1 said:
> ...


I hear ya man. This is the first time it's been a euphoric feeling. After I get used to this place everything will be overly numb as usual. I give it to the end of today for me to drop back into the monotony. I already feel it changing. Well, it was a good run for the two days it lasted.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Spirit said:


> You can't help it, I know it's hell, but self hatred won't get you anywhere.


I dont hate myself, I hate the way I feel and being totally helpless to change it.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

skullasylum said:


> I hear ya man. This is the first time it's been a euphoric feeling. After I get used to this place everything will be overly numb as usual. I give it to the end of today for me to drop back into the monotony. I already feel it changing. Well, it was a good run for the two days it lasted.


I hear ya bro.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Brain Candy said:


> konstantine02 said:
> 
> 
> > There is still that 15% that likes to play with me sometimes...
> ...


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS RANDOM!!!!! :lol: :lol:


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

I'm very glad you don't hate yourself. Your post sounded self recriminating, I sensed you were being down on yourself that's all Dannie. Better if theres responsibility without blame.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Spirit said:


> I'm very glad you don't hate yourself. Your post sounded self recriminating, I sensed you were being down on yourself that's all Dannie. Better if theres responsibility without blame.


you are a very sweet person Lynsey.  Are you married or have a boyfriend? if so, he's a very lucky guy.


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Lol, thanks Dannie that's very sweet of you. I'm unavailable yes, I have my eyes set on someone not to far away


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## Guest (May 13, 2009)

Spirit said:


> Lol, thanks Dannie that's very sweet of you. I'm unavailable yes, I have my eyes set on someone not to far away


well I hope he is as loving as you are. and hope it goes well. :wink:


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## Guest (May 14, 2009)

Thankyou Dannie  .I'm glad we can be friends after all that stuff, i felt bad for being so rough on you. Happy we're cool now, thanks for finding it in yourself to be friendS after that, pretty cool.


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## Guest (May 14, 2009)

Spirit said:


> Thankyou Dannie  .I'm glad we can be friends after all that stuff, i felt bad for being so rough on you. Happy we're cool now, thanks for finding it in yourself to be friendS after that, pretty cool.


no worries Lynsey :wink: it wasnt hard for me to find it in me, Jesus makes it really easy to love people, and im happy we're friends too. :wink:


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

eduEDU1 said:


> konstantine02 said:
> 
> 
> > eduEDU1 said:
> ...


I feel like I don't exist even though my DP freaking out has subsided. Only if I think about it though. Like right now. Guess the 15% is trying to test me.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Brain Candy said:


> konstantine02 said:
> 
> 
> > There is still that 15% that likes to play with me sometimes...
> ...


hahahahahahahahahaha


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

skullasylum said:


> konstantine02 said:
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> 
> > skullasylum said:
> ...


I know exactly how you feel about graphic design and being bottled up in a room with no windows. I TEACH graphic design, so I'm stuck in a room with 30 teenagers and no escape. I would love to have a window. Unfortunately, even if I did have windows, they would make me cover them up because of "code red rules." Ugh. Fucking sucks man, so I know exactly how you feel. My DP is acting up today and I'm trying to calm it down. Gah. Get me out of hereeeee!


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

I'd get you out of there if I could. Unfortunately my DP is so bad right now I'm just staring at the wall myself.


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## Guest (May 15, 2009)

konstantine02 said:


> I feel like I don't exist even though my DP freaking out has subsided. Only if I think about it though. Like right now. Guess the 15% is trying to test me.


Yeah I dont freak out that much anymore thanks to xanax. but I do freak out in my head a lot where nobody can see. but the non-existent feeling is the worst part of DP for me, it sucks.


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