# Don't feel at home



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi. I know where I am, but for some reason it's like I don't. It's like my apartment is totally strange to me. Like I have amnesia. It get's worse and worse. I'm so scared, I'm ready to jump out the window if it doesn't get better. Anyone else feel like this? I'm afraid I'll never recover, and at the same time I'm afraid I'll snap out of this state and be myself again. I'm afraid to live.

Anne


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hi Anne,

I've definitely felt like this before. In fact, i've had this horrible feeling that not only do I not know where I currently am, I feel like I am in some place other than where I am. For example, I remember distinctly a night lying in bed where I felt like I wasn't in my current house but I was in my old house that I had lived in 4-5 years prior.

Its hard to even put into words, because I knew where I was, I knew we had moved - I hadn't gone crazy, but oh boy did it feel like I had.

Just try not to dwell on it - you don't have amnesia and you will not forget where you are.


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## Mcren (Mar 30, 2009)

Hey Anne, I totally understand what your going through. It sucks but, you just decribed exactly how I feel everyday. I will always come home from school and always feel like I just walked into some place that I've never seen before. It's really weird , but all you can do is tell yourself that you're not insane. Whaen it comes down to it dp isn't a break with reality it's just an altered state of perception.
How long have you had this?


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi, thank you so much for your replies! I've had this for three months now. It gets worse every day, and the feeling of amnesia gets extreme when I get more anxious. This feeling throws me into one panic attack after another, and my doctor wont give me any more benzos even though it's the only thing that slightly helps. In a weeks time I'll run out of meds, so I've decided to get myself into the psychiatric ward or I think I'll commit suicide! I feel better knowing now that you guys know what I'm going through, I just don't know how I can cope if it doesn't go away....I haven't looked myelf in the mirror or seen my friends in weeks because of this. I feel like I'm in the house I lived in with my parents 15 years ago (I just turned 30, time sure flies when you are having fun.. :? ).. I hate dp!!! Whoever came up with the idea that Hell was a place of fire sure was lacking imagination.

Anne


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Yep, you're def. not alone on this feeling. Just living life thinking you're suffering from amnesia when for some reason you know exactly what's going on, but question if you really know what's going on. Yeah, that made no sense.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

:lol: It made sense to me!


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## MayaHelene (Apr 13, 2009)

Hello! My heart goes out to you. I haven't experienced exactly what you described (although remember that others have), but I can totally relate to the feeling of desperation and aloneness that it sounds like you experience. I've never found anyone who has described quite what I do, and when I'm going through it it feels like it will never end and I will always be this way. I struggle with a sense of not knowing WHO I am, not where I am. It's like I don't have a self. I was going through this the last 4-5 days, but it's finally lifted. I'm not even sure what I have is DP, but it's the closest thing to it that I've found. I also have huge problems with depression. When I'm going through my "stuff" I feel it will never end, and that's awful. But if I can somehow manage to hang in there with myself and I know I'm doing everything I can to help myself and doing the best I can, it eventually lessens or lifts on its own. If I had given up in the most desperate moments, I would never have the chance to experience it getting better. Sometimes the "getting better" times are few and far between, or just a matter of it not being as bad as it was but it's still there. I imagine a lot of folks can relate to that. Hang in there and don't ever, ever give up. One thing that helps me when I'm going through my stuff is to really consciously focus on the things I have to be grateful for. I all too easily focus on how weird I feel, but I have to remember I have two legs, two arms, two feet and two hands. I can walk, I can see, talk, feel, hear and breathe unassisted. It's easy to take these things for granted, but they are indeed gifts we have. Not everyone has them. I saw a documentary about a two-headed person who lives somewhere in the midwest in the USA. So having a "normal" body is something to be thankful for indeed! I have to be thankful for the problems I DON'T have. And I try to remember EVERYONE has SOMETHING they struggle with, be it the threat of being raped (I'm female) such as the women in some war-torn countries; I have food, clean water, a place to live and people in my life who care about me. I so easily compare myself to others who don't seem to have the problems I do and seem to be better off, more "normal" an whatever. But I don't so readily compare myself to those who are much worse off, and I have to consciously tell myself this as a reminder. Try to stay in today; it's so true that we only have the present moment, ever. It's always the present moment. Be kind, loving and gentle with yourself but make yourself do things to distract yourself and take care of yourself. Sorry this got so long. I get carried away with wanting to offer reassurance. We've each been there one way or another so you are NOT ALONE. And I TOTALLY GET your comment about hell not being a place of fire. It's an inner thing, isn't it?


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## singer24 (Sep 30, 2008)

omg, i get this all the time
i am constantly obssesing about "where i am"
its horrifying.
its baffling to me that i can still function with this feeling.
i just feel so far away from reality, its crap!!!!!!!!!!!


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## lshadowz (Apr 14, 2009)

i hear ya on this one. everyday i come home to the same apartment to the same people and animals, and yet it still feels foreign and surreal. As someone else mentioned, i too stuggle greatly with the feeling that i've lost my "self", and that i don't know who i am anymore. Everyone else seems to know me -- and most of them like me. that's the tough part, i think. i guess i've developed a pretty great poker face. even when i'm talking to someone, feeling totally disconnected, spacey and anxious, i can hold it together and they are none the wiser. in this regard i feel like a fraud. nobody knows my deep, dark secret of nearly constant discontent; of feeling unreal and constantly checking my self in any given moment to see just how "unreal" i feel. for me, it's my conditioned thought process, always hyper-aware of how i feel and never able to just let go and live in the moment. 
it's great to read these posts because it reduces the loneliness factor and the "i must be going crazy" thougts. I've dealt with this beast for more than 5 years, and it's never something i'll get used to. What i'm working on is letting go an accepting that this is just how i'm wired. spending every waking second stressing about it is counter productive. easier said than done, as i'm sure you can attest.
sorry if i turned this response into a rant about my own stuff, but i just want to engage in dialogue with people suffering similarly unsettling perceptions of themselves and the world around them. Until i posted a few days ago, i never had. 
all the best to you.


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## HereIsEverywhere (Dec 22, 2008)

I feel like that all the time. I just try not to let it freak me out. I just think "hmm... interesting. this is so weird" i dunno. Perhaps the apathy is built into how i experience dp. I think I'm less prone to anxiety with dp that others do. I get severe anxiety but its worse when I'm less dp i think... no sometims i get super dp when im anxious. i guess it all just depends. I'm rambling, sorry.


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