# so pissed off



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I am so pissed off at how DP makes me mentally unable to think clearly. Like I try to process something that I think is making me feel DP'd, but no matter what it is that I try to process I cannot process it. Ultimately everything I think of is of 0 importance. All my thoughts result in existentialism. Every single one. I try to just ignore it and not think about it, but still am left without emotions and connection to myself and the world. I have so many irrational fears it's ridiculous. I am always afraid something is wrong with me. I feel like my brain shut down 99% and all that's left is 1% of awareness of how pathetic I feel. Today I realized that it's been almost 4 years. I have no recollection or memory whatsoever left of the person I once was. That thought alone scares me shitless. I remember thinking when I first got DP, "What if I'm one of the people who has this long term and can't remember anything at all of what life is actually like?" Well here I am. I get vague memories of the past and all I feel is a distant disconnected pain, knowing damn well that one time many many moons ago there was a person in me who experienced and felt these memories. I really can't believe this has all happened. I don't even have a concrete reason for why all this happened to me. I always think I am making some progress just to find out it's all wishful thinking and I feel no different than day 1. I'm sorry for being so negative I just need to vent. I feel like giving up. I need a hug.


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## outlaw (May 20, 2010)

surfingisfun001 said:


> I am so pissed off at how DP makes me mentally unable to think clearly. Like I try to process something that I think is making me feel DP'd, but no matter what it is that I try to process I cannot process it. Ultimately everything I think of is of 0 importance. All my thoughts result in existentialism. Every single one. I try to just ignore it and not think about it, but still am left without emotions and connection to myself and the world. I have so many irrational fears it's ridiculous. I am always afraid something is wrong with me. I feel like my brain shut down 99% and all that's left is 1% of awareness of how pathetic I feel. Today I realized that it's been almost 4 years. I have no recollection or memory whatsoever left of the person I once was. That thought alone scares me shitless. I remember thinking when I first got DP, "What if I'm one of the people who has this long term and can't remember anything at all of what life is actually like?" Well here I am. I get vague memories of the past and all I feel is a distant disconnected pain, knowing damn well that one time many many moons ago there was a person in me who experienced and felt these memories. I really can't believe this has all happened. I don't even have a concrete reason for why all this happened to me. I always think I am making some progress just to find out it's all wishful thinking and I feel no different than day 1. I'm sorry for being so negative I just need to vent. I feel like giving up. I need a hug.


It's only been around 6 months for me and I feel like I totally forgot who or how I was. *Hug* We'll get through it some how.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

*HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*










My thoughts are killing me. I'm tired from thinking. 
I'm not sure if it helps but at least you miss your old self. I don't.


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## opie37060 (Jan 9, 2010)

We all need to vent sometimes.. What i hate the most about this is how i can't seem to remember anything.. I could do something in the morning and completly forgot i ever did it.. I can't remember lyrics to songs that i used to know and it's hard for me to remember lyrics to new songs... Sometimes i feel like my brain is shut off...


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

*Hugs* Same here pretty much...felt horrible today...


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## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

Bro hug*

lifes a bitch and then we die thats why i get high!


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## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

So... you just summed up my life.

I need to vent too.







I don't know what to do next. Often when I am outside taking a walk I will smell a campfire or pine needles and be momentarily taken away to an old, familiar, wonderful place where I belonged and there was balance. I hate these moments. They hurt and leave me feeling digusted and damaged. I don't know what giving up is really, I just know it's not an option. It's just impossible! I'm like a slave in Hell. I miss myself so much. If I were here I could get me out of this.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

http://arigold.se/

This will seem infinately less gay if you have seen the show Entourage.


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## Guest (Sep 20, 2010)

*Hug*


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## Hoopesy (Dec 8, 2009)

*Hug*

I know its hard man. I have to deal with the existential thoughts too. I have to deal with the empty feelings I get everyday for no reason. And the head fog. And the detached emotional feelings that i used to have. And the screwed up memory. And I don't know when this will go away and sadly enough i sometimes think it never will. You gotta just take it one day at a time. Every little step is a personal triumph to me. Just remember you have an entire community of people on here who are dealing with the same things as you and are supporting you to keep on keeping on. We are all in this together.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Optimusrhyme said:


> Bro hug*
> 
> lifes a bitch and then we die thats why i get high!


Well said.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Bear said:


> So... you just summed up my life.
> 
> I need to vent too.
> 
> ...


I love you. I can relate.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hoopesy said:


> *Hug*
> 
> I know its hard man. I have to deal with the existential thoughts too. I have to deal with the empty feelings I get everyday for no reason. And the head fog. And the detached emotional feelings that i used to have. And the screwed up memory. And I don't know when this will go away and sadly enough i sometimes think it never will. You gotta just take it one day at a time. Every little step is a personal triumph to me. Just remember you have an entire community of people on here who are dealing with the same things as you and are supporting you to keep on keeping on. We are all in this together.


Thanks a lot, everybody. It really means a lot.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

EverDream said:


> *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Really? You are such a cool person. If you are an admirable person with DP you must be an admirable person without DP. Do you have chat?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

O ya, one more thing....

*HUGS*


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## Rogue Bullies (Jun 1, 2010)

Aww your just having a bad day, we all have them. I am so sorry you have had this for 4 years I hope it subsides soon. Have you tried any supplements for memory or brain function?

Big hugs go out to you, feel better soon


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Really? You are such a cool person. If you are an admirable person with DP you must be an admirable person without DP. Do you have chat?


Thanks, Kenny. You are really sweet.









I don't think I was a bad person before DP or anything like that. It's hard to explain. It's just I wasn't really living life, didn't really know to handle life. I wasn't aware of it back then because I didn't have to handle too much at the time and I didn't care of doing things. I don't know how to explain it. Since DP I learned a lot of new things and learned to take better care of myself. I finally see how wrong everything was. I'm still a loser though. My life is ruined in so many ways that it can't be undone. I think if only I could go back to the past and change things but in the end I'm not really sure if I could change anything because it's just the way I am. Loser. Sorry for the negetivity.

No, I don't have chat...


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

EverDream said:


> Thanks, Kenny. You are really sweet.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


First of all, you are not a loser. If you were a loser then we wouldn't be friends. If you were a loser, people on here wouldn't like you, but people on here do like you. I can relate to life being fucked up and feeling like it can't be undone. I went from having huge hopes and dreams, studying in a good college, had many good relationships and close friends, I had a best friend better than any friend I'd ever had in life, was happy, content, and even was dating my good friend who won "Ms. California" and went on to win "Ms. Congeniality" for the high school division. I like to brag about that last part







. When I got DP I ended up failing out of college, my girlfriend broke up with me and we lost connection as friends, I became distant from all my friends (every single one of them). Since then I've tried to kill myself, been to jail, been 51/50'd twice, and became a heroin addict. When I was in jail, my DP was super bad and I was withdrawing from opiates. That was an all time low, I remember thinking "there is no way I will ever undo all this shit." Since then I've managed to get a job, move out of my parents and in with friends, maintain relationships with friends, and get off opiates. Life is nowhere near perfect but it's a hell of a lot better than it was a year ago. It takes time and it's a process, if you try to do small things each day to improve your life and move on from all the shit that brings you down things will change for the better over time. I truly believe I will beat this thing and be content one day. It's a lot of work but anything is possible. Hang in there, if you ever wanna talk hit me up.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

surfingisfun001 said:


> First of all, you are not a loser. If you were a loser then we wouldn't be friends. If you were a loser, people on here wouldn't like you, but people on here do like you. I can relate to life being fucked up and feeling like it can't be undone. I went from having huge hopes and dreams, studying in a good college, had many good relationships and close friends, I had a best friend better than any friend I'd ever had in life, was happy, content, and even was dating my good friend who won "Ms. California" and went on to win "Ms. Congeniality" for the high school division. I like to brag about that last part
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are amazing.

In the last 5 years of having it, I did got better. I try to do my best in everything I do. I try to be good and do good things. But still the are so many things I can't do and every day I feel like I fight the world, just me against the world. And I feel this deadness and apathy inside me everywhere I go. This coming year gonna be praticulary hard and I'm not so sure I'll survive it. By the way, I start soon my 4 (and last) year at the uni. I can't believe I got to the 4 year, it was VERY VERY hard.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I know how you feel and I still say that you need a change of venue. Being in the place where I got dp, around the people that caused my dp, made my symptoms worse. When I left and went to a new place, I started to feel better. Also, be sure to keep up on taking D and Sub b complex. I stopped taking it when I got depressed because I just didn't care and that just snowballed and made everything worse. I seriously thought about killing myself all of the time. Once I started taking it again, I felt better. Also, all of the old crap that I'm sure you've tried already like refocusing, accepting it, socializing, etc. That all has helped me.

I do know how you feel about the old person though. The thing that scares me so badly is that people I've lost don't seem real to me. The person I was closest to the in whole world (and who's death probably had a hand in triggering my dp) was my grandma. She was my mom's mom and I seriously loved her more than my parents. She died of congestive heart failure 2 years ago and when I think about her, she doesn't seem real. Like she never actually existed. I feel no pain about her being gone. I wish that I could but I don't.

I also have dissociative amnesia and I keep remembering crap that is like a slap in the face. Like I had just completely forgotten that my other grandma died during my wedding reception. I mean, I had NO idea. None at all. And then it just hit me one day and I was like "HOLY CRAP. How could I possibly have just not known that happened". I also remember at church this weekend that I used to be moved to tears when I would talk about God. During the course of my dp, I got to the point where I wasn't even sure God exist. It's so weird how we just disconnect. So weird.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I know how you feel and I still say that you need a change of venue. Being in the place where I got dp, around the people that caused my dp, made my symptoms worse. When I left and went to a new place, I started to feel better. Also, be sure to keep up on taking D and Sub b complex. I stopped taking it when I got depressed because I just didn't care and that just snowballed and made everything worse. I seriously thought about killing myself all of the time. Once I started taking it again, I felt better. Also, all of the old crap that I'm sure you've tried already like refocusing, accepting it, socializing, etc. That all has helped me.
> 
> I do know how you feel about the old person though. The thing that scares me so badly is that people I've lost don't seem real to me. The person I was closest to the in whole world (and who's death probably had a hand in triggering my dp) was my grandma. She was my mom's mom and I seriously loved her more than my parents. She died of congestive heart failure 2 years ago and when I think about her, she doesn't seem real. Like she never actually existed. I feel no pain about her being gone. I wish that I could but I don't.
> 
> I also have dissociative amnesia and I keep remembering crap that is like a slap in the face. Like I had just completely forgotten that my other grandma died during my wedding reception. I mean, I had NO idea. None at all. And then it just hit me one day and I was like "HOLY CRAP. How could I possibly have just not known that happened". I also remember at church this weekend that I used to be moved to tears when I would talk about God. During the course of my dp, I got to the point where I wasn't even sure God exist. It's so weird how we just disconnect. So weird.


Very weird indeed. For almost 4 years I completely blocked this traumatic memory out of my mind. It was like it happended to a different person. It came out about a week ago and I'm almost positive it was the catalyst to triggering DP. I've thought so hard for almost 4 years about anything and everything from my past, but these events I completely blocked out. The mind is a crazy thing.


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

Kenny, here's a big hug for you. I've been reading your posts and can exactly relate to your despondency. I pray that the horror that is DP will leave you.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Thanks everybody. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling a lot better today.


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## Minerva8979 (Jan 30, 2010)

EverDream said:


> *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*


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