# is this even DP



## servadei (Aug 20, 2015)

I can't even describe how I'm feeling. Things like space and time and moving in it bother me. I am hyper aware of my own existence all the time I don't even know who am I anymore. First time I had derealization everything felt like a dream now it feels like an illusion, overwhelming feeling of unreality. I don't even feel human anymore. Being human feels unnatural, everything humans do feels unnatural. It feels like I belong somewherr else in some other dimension. I am so scared it's paralyzing. I want to just stop existing. Past and future seem strange. Time passing is weird. 'I' seems weird. Language and words are weird. Having a mind is weird. Being conscious is weird. Thinking is weird. This is my everyday life, even humans scare me. It didn't start like this it just keeps getting worse and worse. I can't believe how I'm managing to live but I'm really suffering. This is no way a human should live. I'm only 19 yrs old. Please any kind of tips are welcomed. I don't have time to rest and I'm going on job interviews. Do you think stress is making it worse?


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

yes absolutely stress is making it worse. I identify with everything you are saying 100 percent. do u obsess over the feeling? can you recognise that its just a feeling in ur head u are trying to make sense of ?


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## servadei (Aug 20, 2015)

Yeah, l obsess 24/7. I know it's only feelings and thoughts but it feels so real...


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

Hey i relate 100% with what you are saying too. Mine was stress induced after a panic attack following my grand-mother's death.

Like you said everything can feel strange when i think spontaneously about it, i don't even need to dwell on these things anymore to feel dp'd and weird. I can be in class then for some reason i zone out and my professor's words feel weird, like she's only making weird alien sounds. Words lose their meaning like when you repeat them multiple times out loud. Looking at people make me very uncomfortable because humans look strange, as if i'm looking at a weird specie with weird arms, legs, ears, hands, eyes (they are the worst, like people lost their soul; eyes are now just weird balls moving for me and don't ) etc. It's like i don't remember and can't fully convince myself that humans always looked like this, even when i think about my past and make the best reasoning possible inside myself ''you and people always looked the way you do...you did what humans do, wear what humans wear and participate to activities only humans can do...stop doubting!''. I was sitting next to my best friends yesterday and had to calm a little anxiety attack because it felt like i was living among aliens. Still, because my memories feel fake and the act of thinking feels very strange (it feels like I've never had an inner voice before, it seems totally new for me), i can't trust myself 100%. This is probably the worst symptom for me, feeling like having an inner voice is something new and strange...I wake up everyday hearing my own voice inside my mind and wondering if i always lived and thought this way. Two months ago i even became phobic about thoughts...i was scare of thinking, the act of producing a flow of pictures and words in my mind...

You are not alone. It does get better. A few months ago i couldn't imagine get trough the days, now it is manageable and my mind feels more free of existential thoughts. I can go to school and live my life...not survive to it...


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

I have something very similiar. And its more based around my mind and how i know things. I feel like i know and understand nothing like who what where I am . yet theres nothing i dont know or understand. I keep thinking of how i got here and learned all these things around me and it really scares me cause i then think well if i wasnt here I wouldnt know all this so are things really the way i know them. I almost feel conditioned to think things are normal yet now I am aware of that. its very hard to explain. I feel like my brain is in the back of my head sort of and like theres a big gaping whole in my head that is usually responsible for understanding things. Does anyvody relate to this . and also feel like they know too much now and seen it from the outside and cant go back or jump back in the picture of experiencing. i feel like if i could completely ignore this and label it all as dp i could probably heal in time, but i dont , i do that for ten minutes then go back to ruminating in fear cause i cant let it be and trust that its something that will pass.


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## servadei (Aug 20, 2015)

Yeah... You both explained it really well but we all know that desperate feelingwe just cannot explain in words. Everything we wrote is just what we can put in words. Tbh this suffering is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I would give both of my arms and legs to feel peace and happiness again. I was thinking about killing myself but since I believe in eternal life it feels like there's no escape!

My dp/dr are induced by antidepressant withdrawal. I got it about month and a half and it keeps getting worse. I know I can't get crazy but I can't help to think that it will happen eventually because my brain is so worn out.

I can't believe I actually maaged to move to another country and go to job interviews. It's like everything is wrong but you're still perfectly functional human being who is able to take care of itself. Can't believe my peers are having fun nd enjoying student life and I just wish I didn't exist.

Now that I read my post I seems so logical and...okay. But then again that's just me on the outside.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Do u have similiar feelings? I suppose its just the feeling of dp that we are trying to put into words. But words dont do it justice. Can you see its just a feeling? when you are not trying to analze it with thoughts you just experience a feeling. And yes i would not wish this on anybody ever.


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## servadei (Aug 20, 2015)

Yeah I often wonder how do other people live?? Seeing them makes me jelaous but also kinda like 'how do they not know??' And then I remember they don't have dp/dr. That's the only difference.. Funny how something like that can make you feel non-human.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I am amazed how this existential symptom keeps getting more common.. when I first got it in 2013 almost nobody had that exact hyperawareness of existence thing and'existence doesn't make any sense' kind of thing. Hang in there, I also have every symptom you describe, it's not like the classic dreamy dp-I get that, I had the classic one in the beginning and what i have now is soo different from the dreamy feeling. We are getting more and more, I call it '' DP level 2''. How long has it been for you?


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## servadei (Aug 20, 2015)

Month and a half, started with that classis dreamy feeling as you said and progressed to this. Please tell me it won't get worse  I can't take this anymore, acting every day. If I get a job I don't think I'll be able to make it...


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

It wont get any worse. just try not to let it consume u . Allow it to be there and do things anyway.


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## servadei (Aug 20, 2015)

When I see other people I always wonder what do they think about? Are they not bothered by their existence?? I don't understand people who believe in afterlife because they're afraid they'll stop existing. I myself am scared of existing forever. And since I'm only 19 life seems so long. I wish i was 80-90 near the end... Lol. Does that even make sense lol

I always wanted to get married and have kids but those things freak me out now..


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I can relate, I am very scared of existing and i don't want an afterlife and existing some place else, I just want to disappear and stop having consciousness whatsoever.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

i think its more like existing feels really scarey in this state and so it feels like the truth. therefore we get depressed because we think existance with always feel this way . But when the dp goes it will not feel this way.


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