# Severe Derealization and Existence OCD please help?:(



## Alltimeleah (Feb 8, 2016)

Hey guys I'm new here, this is my first post. I'll give a little background information of my situation. I've had anxiety disorder for years now and it comes and goes sometimes it's worse than others. I've had phases where I was fine and then phases where I couldn't even leave the house. For my whole life most of my anxiety and OCD have been strictly surrounding around my health. Then a few years I started getting this feeling that life wasn't real, everything always looked strange. I then realized this derealization. Over the years it has only gotten extremely worse.

To where I am right now is im 17 and its probably at its worse point. I now have almost constant derealization and depersonalization. My memories don't even feel like mine anymore. I constantly and I mean constantly have obsessive thoughts over existence. Why am I here, why are we all here, why does life work the way it does, why am I forever stuck in my body, what if this is all an illusion, and so on. And I also question who I am because my memories feel fake and I feel so beyond alienated from my body. It's like I can pin point I haven't felt right since these symptoms started. It's been bad for a little now, it really effects my life. Currently I'm home schooled so I'm very isolated I really don't do much. So that probably doesn't help. Recently I had to get an MRI and I'm claustrophobic so My anxiety had been really high since  and today I had the worse derealization scare ever. I keep feeling crazy. I've never been one to feel hopeless but it honestly never ever feels like it's going to end. I can't even remember life without this feeling. I just want to live but I can't stop questioning and I feel so weird. Today I was so scared everything looked like a fish eye lens and I literally just felt so so out of it. I keep fearing that this is my psychotic break and I'm so afraid I'm going insane and I'm gonna fully lose it one day. I just want to cry. Can someone please give me some hope, has anyone recovered from this? And does anyone have any tips to stop the obsessive thoughts? I can't imagine going back to normal after this. I also can't imagine continuing to go on like this much longer it's torture. I have a severe severe phobia of medication but I am prescribed Xanax even though I don't take it. Has anyone had any help from medication? I'm afraid it'll make it worse but I'm also desperate at this point.


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## vanuti vetru (Sep 7, 2015)

Hi Alltimeleah, welcome to the forum. Very sorry to hear about what you have to deal with at such a young age.

Although medication probably won't solve any deeper issues, it can certainly help in restoring a more balanced state of mind. Still, in order for it to work, you should try to make yourself somewhat optimistic towards taking it. It's much about submitting oneself to the drug for a while, in good faith of course. I know this can be hard - and i'm being a bit of hypocrite here as i myself avoid taking medications whenever possible - but in some crisis situations psych drugs can actually help, if you let them to. Personally i've found mild SSRI's better at dealing with OCD than benzos (Xanax and family). But each is different.

I think, however, that a more important thing for you is finding a good therapist or (better) a group. You've been having severe anxiety issues for many years now and they're unlikely to go away for good unless you change your perception of life to a less fearful one. Therapy can be very helpful with that. Social isolation, on the other hand, will only amplify your fears and push you deeper into the hole. And this is not something you want..


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## simonlebon (Apr 13, 2015)

Sorry to hear you have been having a rough time. The biggest help for me has been anxietycentre.com. They have a ton of good information on their site about anxiety disorders etc. Get a membership, it's cheap. And they also have therapists you can schedule phone calls with, who have actually recovered themselves from anxiety, dp etc.

Peace.


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

"I have a severe severe phobia of medication but I am prescribed Xanax even though I don't take it. Has anyone had any help from medication? I'm afraid it'll make it worse but I'm also desperate at this point."

I doubt you have a "medication phobia". When you get desperate enough, you will take the medication which has been prescribed to you for your condition by a licensed medical professional. Nobody likes to take medication. It is a reminder that we are ill. Nobody wants to be ill. Part of responsibly dealing with these health issues is accepting the reality of them and dealing with them as best we can. Frequently that involves accepting advice and medical treatment from health professionals. I have never been prescribed Xanax. I have used Klonopin (Clonazepam) which is a similar benzo medication. It made a big difference for me during the times that I was suffering severe anxiety. Take your medication as necessary and as prescribed. Your suffering is not of any benefit to anyone.


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## Saschasascha (Dec 17, 2015)

Hello, alltimeleah! 

I think your main problem is OCD which is the main problem for a lot of folks out here. Derealization is just a byproduct by a combination of an exhausted and tired mind, obsessive focus on all those why? and what if? questions, and a generally stuck mind ( read the book Brain lock by Jeffrey Schwartz). What could be the underlying reason for your anxiety? Dig deep and consult an OCD specialist. In my opinion, often there isn't a definite cause. Newer research indicates that it is probably mainly a brain-based neurological disorder. In this case your bascially prone to it and environmental factors and psychich stressors "activates" it (Excuse me for my english, it isn't my first language!  )

M advice for you is to seek out a specialist, get help in form of CBT and if that isn't enough (which in severe cases as mine isn't) try an SSRI (Luvox, Clomipramine, Fluoxetine..) For me, Luvox has been a Life saver. In combination with therapy my OCD is 90 % in control and of couse the DR/DP is almost gone, also. Don't be afraid of medications. They are definetely overused. But in cases of OCD, yes, they CAN ACTUALLY change your brain chemistry in your favour and correct their faulty brain areas.

If you have any questions, feel free to message me!


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## Stakingaddict (Feb 14, 2016)

Alltimeleah said:


> Hey guys I'm new here, this is my first post. I'll give a little background information of my situation. I've had anxiety disorder for years now and it comes and goes sometimes it's worse than others. I've had phases where I was fine and then phases where I couldn't even leave the house. For my whole life most of my anxiety and OCD have been strictly surrounding around my health. Then a few years I started getting this feeling that life wasn't real, everything always looked strange. I then realized this derealization. Over the years it has only gotten extremely worse.
> 
> To where I am right now is im 17 and its probably at its worse point. I now have almost constant derealization and depersonalization. My memories don't even feel like mine anymore. I constantly and I mean constantly have obsessive thoughts over existence. Why am I here, why are we all here, why does life work the way it does, why am I forever stuck in my body, what if this is all an illusion, and so on. And I also question who I am because my memories feel fake and I feel so beyond alienated from my body. It's like I can pin point I haven't felt right since these symptoms started. It's been bad for a little now, it really effects my life. Currently I'm home schooled so I'm very isolated I really don't do much. So that probably doesn't help. Recently I had to get an MRI and I'm claustrophobic so My anxiety had been really high since  and today I had the worse derealization scare ever. I keep feeling crazy. I've never been one to feel hopeless but it honestly never ever feels like it's going to end. I can't even remember life without this feeling. I just want to live but I can't stop questioning and I feel so weird. Today I was so scared everything looked like a fish eye lens and I literally just felt so so out of it. I keep fearing that this is my psychotic break and I'm so afraid I'm going insane and I'm gonna fully lose it one day. I just want to cry. Can someone please give me some hope, has anyone recovered from this? And does anyone have any tips to stop the obsessive thoughts? I can't imagine going back to normal after this. I also can't imagine continuing to go on like this much longer it's torture. I have a severe severe phobia of medication but I am prescribed Xanax even though I don't take it. Has anyone had any help from medication? I'm afraid it'll make it worse but I'm also desperate at this point.


I am the same about medication im against it tottaly i have the same fears its interesting i wonder if its just our personality or from our parents or somthing.. idk anymore. I noticed when i lived with my mom i felt better and more real with life things were way better but i still had anxiety but i had my own room and i felt like i had more support from my mom then my dad but it was still rough but at my dads its like im emotionally dead and numb and is hard


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