# I really can't fight with this anymore



## roadt2recovery (Aug 27, 2013)

I've been struggling to get a hold of my sense of self for the past two months, fighting the thoughts, but they have completely taken over me, to a point where I feel I'm doomed, my mind has completely gone blank, so quiet, there are no thoughts flowing at all, I don't have thoughts regarding anything, I feel retarded, my imagination has completely gone, and I do not know how I will come out of this, my depersonalization is 24/7 now, I do not know how I will even manage to try to distract myself, even sleeping has become scary now.

For like a week and a half, I felt like I was going crazy, still think I am, I'm just zoned out now 24/7, can't comprehend what had happened, my memories have gone, I don't feel connected to anything, I can't recognise people, I was actually so emotionally overwhelmed while this was happening for the past two months, but today I couldn't help but give in to these thoughts and feelings, and now my brain just feels empty and hollow, I feel like I've done phsychological damage to my brain, and these thoughts about nothing being real is imprinted into my brain forever, and now I'm convinced I'm going to be stuck in this state forever.

This is my life with DP:

September 2011 until October/November 2013 -------- Mild dp, but I felt connected, I could remember my childhood, my memories were not distant, I recognised people, I had the occasional existential thoughts during times of stress and isolation, but I was HAPPY, dp'd but happy at the same time, I was able to forget about it for most of the time, for months even.

October/November 2013 --------- I just got fucking worse, after I stupidly watched a video by some guy called Andre Qwan, told me to process my trauma and all this bullshit, writing down, and instantly after that I just felt even more detached, and I've just been feeling more and more detached each day since that day, and today, I feel like my mind just gave up, severe derealization, my memory feels so hazy, it's unbelievable, I'm tired of fighting this for any longer, I feel like a zombie, I cannot be happy, I cannot feel emotion, I cannot feel my body, my body feels numb, I've lost so much weight, because I'm not eating properly, my digestion is scrambled, my mind is blank, and I just feel stuck in my own head, I can't escape this.


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

My DP got worse ever since I started coming to this website (lol)

Don't worry I'm going through the same thing as you, my DP was actually manageable, but now it's so annoying. Just try to accept yourself


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## roadt2recovery (Aug 27, 2013)

seafoamwaves said:


> My DP got worse ever since I started coming to this website (lol)
> 
> Don't worry I'm going through the same thing as you, my DP was actually manageable, but now it's so annoying. Just try to accept yourself


Can you relate to this:

For the last month, I was struggling to keep that "connection" with everything in my life, my family, my friends, just that connection I had, in my mind, and I felt like I was slowly losing it's grip everyday, now I've lost that connection, I don't even know what to feel about that, everything feels fake, and what scares me is that I feel no anxiety about that, I think it's my brain which decided to numb itself completely.


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

^ Yeah, like even just the smallest, tiniest, part of me that still felt like me, is long gone by now.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

im totally gone, 100%. Hate life


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## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

I know this feeling. Like you ran out of life and thers nothing you can do. Like suicide and taking your chance with an afterlife seems better than this. That no afterlife and no existence is better than this. But that's not the case.

Look around you. Not your room but people. Look at people who are going through everyday. Look at people going through disaster. Look at people who are achieving what they always wanted. Wether good or bad these people have theis life in them. The non depersonalized connected life. The struggle and the emotion and sensation and the CONNECTION. All of these people have it.

Now imagine you went to a bridge tonight, got enough nerve and jumped off. 3 seconds of falling and your dead. Wether you exist after is unknown to me but you've permanently removed your self from this life. You've destroyed any chance of recovery and you will most likely disappear and no one will ever remember you.

Now imagine instead of this you just keep trudging. You grit your teeth and day by day claw your way out. You have the panic attacks and you suffer. But you research. You look for ways to cure this sickness at every angle. You do your research on what made you this way and why it hasn't left and how to remove it from you. You find the answer and realize that in order to get better you have to walk through the valley of death. You have to face everything dark inside you that you hate and this will not be easy. But you go through it. You walk right through when it's nothing but suffering and you feel like death is right on you. Depersonalization become easier and seems like the better option but you push you have a few setbacks but you get right back up and keep trudging.

Then a bit if the light comes back in to you. Things have a bit of meaning and you begin to see why people are happy. You can see te meaning to life. It's only a little bit but it's a starting to fill in. You progress and you pick up a certain momentum and you feel more and more. Then one day it hits you. Your souls comes back into you and you find life again. You can feel like your back in your body. You can feel your self and your thoughts. Your a god damn mess from what you just went through but you made it. Maybe it was 6 months maybe it was a year maybe 3 years. But now the rest of your life you can live life. You can find someone to love and find something. You can have an amazing job and be able to wake up everyday an smile because that darkness is gone. Your on a drive and you cross that same bridge and smile because you almos gave up. ALMOST. But you made it. And your able to laugh at these dark times because you conquered this and it made you a stronger person than before.

This is a beautiful pain. I know it doesn't seem like this but if you can get through this you will be thankful for it and how much better off you were from recovering.


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## kelly326 (Dec 10, 2013)

I know how you feel! My mind id always blank but yet my thoughts say this isn't right, this isn't you! You are not going crazy..I promise! I think about suicide, I think I can't take another day of this but before you know it is bedtime and I have gone another day.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I also have blank mind it's totally fucked up...I can no longer seperate me from the disorder I don't have any near memories of normality anymore  I totally lost interest in life and can't be happy anymore aswel


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## themaxx10 (Nov 20, 2013)

roadt2recovery said:


> October/November 2013 --------- I just got fucking worse, after I stupidly watched a video by some guy called Andre Qwan, *told me to process my trauma and all this bullshit, writing down, and instantly after that I just felt even more detached, and I've just been feeling more and more detached each day since that day*, and today, I feel like my mind just gave up, severe derealization, my memory feels so hazy, it's unbelievable, I'm tired of fighting this for any longer, I feel like a zombie, I cannot be happy, I cannot feel emotion, I cannot feel my body, my body feels numb, I've lost so much weight, because I'm not eating properly, my digestion is scrambled, my mind is blank, and I just feel stuck in my own head, I can't escape this.


What were the sorts of things you were writing down? Was there anything in particular that you wrote down that alarmed or troubled you, or in retrospect may have triggered the detachment that started increasing soon after? I think we need to know those things, if we are to be able to offer any help or support or feedback.

Also, I had previously come across this blog post by Fearless where he quotes you-

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/blog/167/entry-461-a-great-post-by-road2recovery-check-it/

In it, you wrote a lot of good *general* advice/steps on how to try to recover/reclaim yourself. What I am wondering is how much of it you have really specifically applied to your own past/self/feelings/etc. Like the difference between reading a set of great directions on how to ride a bicycle, vs. the actual experience of finally 'getting it' and gliding on that bike.


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## Meticulous (Jul 30, 2013)

I'm on year 7, still positive. The longer I have it, the more I learn. Don't think of doing anything stupid, there's so much more to this experience of life.


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## Pmz623 (Sep 15, 2013)

Stop trying to fight it. Just do things that you think would make you happy. Or keep you busy. Buy a video game and play that all day. Just do something to engage your mind.


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