# say what you want...



## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

criticize me, tell me not to fight it, accept it, really? Screw all of that. I'm not getting better, just getting worse. I'm not complaining, I am scared shitless, tired of fighting, every fucking day my symptoms are more severe than the day before and it's hard not to ignore and notice when your mind is so fucked up. I'm just waiting to die. I'll never get better unless an angel from heaven blessed me and god looked at me in the eyes and made this improve or get better. What the hell do I do? That's how I feel. Fuck all of this. Yes, I do see people getting on with their lives but how the hell do they do it?dont answer that, I know what you're going to say. My chest feels like its going to explode. I just want to feel alive. I want to feel like a human being. I wish this never fucking happened. It took everything away from me. My mind, the most important thing a person needs to survive. Really? What the hell. I AM SO DONE. I see people in the street, in the supermarket, I just stear at them and think WOW , you're so lucky your perception isn't so messed up, you feel alive, you can do normal things and there I am...stuck...thinking I'd do anything to feel normal again. Great feeling. I don't want to fight anymore.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Melissa,

I couldn't agree more with what you're describing. This condition is truly unbearable fuckery. And it's unfair. It makes you bitter, unhappy, depressed, and brings you unending torment. I mean maybe for a while you will be really fucking done, 5 years of horrible suffering, 10? I don't know. DP forever! I certainly know that these horrible potentialities exist for myself. I'm one year in now. Guess, I just figure there is nothing to lose anymore. Don't question the fact that you are fucked. You are. There is no magic answer. However, slowly work through every single medical approach to fixing your problem, and analyze every possible cause that could have brought this about (not obsessively, but rationally). Embrace patience and persistence, and allow yourself to suffer. As a fellow dp'er I know what this is like, and I can't offer you anything better than that. I send you great strength.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

PhoenixDown said:


> Melissa,
> 
> I couldn't agree more with what you're describing. This condition is truly unbearable fuckery. And it's unfair. It makes you bitter, unhappy, depressed, and brings you unending torment. I mean maybe for a while you will be really fucking done, 5 years of horrible suffering, 10? I don't know. DP forever! I certainly know that these horrible potentialities exist for myself. I'm one year in now. Guess, I just figure there is nothing to lose anymore. Don't question the fact that you are fucked. You are. There is no magic answer. However, slowly work through every single medical approach to fixing your problem, and analyze every possible cause that could have brought this about (not obsessively, but rationally). Embrace patience and persistence, and allow yourself to suffer. As a fellow dp'er I know what this is like, and I can't offer you anything better than that. I send you great strength.


Thank you. It's this disconnected feeling is torture. My mind is totally disconnected from everything around me. I can't stand it. It's the worst symptom I've ever had.







am I the only one?


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## noname (Sep 23, 2008)

I feel exactly what you describe in your first post.
You know, ive understand that my life is over 2 years ago after 4 year of dp. Parradoxically this realization make me feel better.
My dp have worsened too, but far less than deppression. Its not that i dont know what to do, its that there is precisely nothing to do.


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## Guest (Jan 22, 2012)

if youre not getting any better just say fuck it and go do some crazy shit, go to thailand and go on some crazy drug binges or go explore the world, sitting around feeling sorry for yourself waiting to feel better one day isnt doing shit.


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## ProphetEdison (Apr 10, 2011)

Melissa_Z said:


> criticize me, tell me not to fight it, accept it, really? Screw all of that. I'm not getting better, just getting worse. I'm not complaining, I am scared shitless, tired of fighting, every fucking day my symptoms are more severe than the day before and it's hard not to ignore and notice when your mind is so fucked up. I'm just waiting to die. I'll never get better unless an angel from heaven blessed me and god looked at me in the eyes and made this improve or get better. What the hell do I do? That's how I feel. Fuck all of this. Yes, I do see people getting on with their lives but how the hell do they do it?dont answer that, I know what you're going to say. My chest feels like its going to explode. I just want to feel alive. I want to feel like a human being. I wish this never fucking happened. It took everything away from me. My mind, the most important thing a person needs to survive. Really? What the hell. I AM SO DONE. I see people in the street, in the supermarket, I just stear at them and think WOW , you're so lucky your perception isn't so messed up, you feel alive, you can do normal things and there I am...stuck...thinking I'd do anything to feel normal again. Great feeling. I don't want to fight anymore.


My friend this is exactly how I felt when I found out about DP. Now i'm turning 18 this year and I got this when I was 14 - It's not fair. I slipped down to depression around this time last year because i thought it would never go away.. And the more terrified you are for it the more it will "be there" if that makes sense. I just kinda let go around April.. Started working out and stuff. It disappeared for like a month but came back. (Worse) and I still have it now. But when I got into my relationship I just told myself, you know what ? fuck this I aint gonna let this control me. I just out of nothing started to ignore it. I agree with you tho this is fucking tortue and it's so fucking unfair, I wasnt treated bad as a child, i've never done drugs I mean what the hell :s. It's still not gone but I have a friend who had it for 12 years then got free from it. It is hard to get rid of, but don't let some stupid ass person on this forum try to persuade you that this is everlasting because it's not. At some point you're gonna start accepting it to and guess what it doesnt really hurt at all then. I barely feel mine because i don't "try" to feel it and check for myself, how am I feeling today. Because that is a big mistake.

Sorry for the wall of text but i'm sure you'll get better my friend, we're all in this togheter.

/Prophet


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## MatrixGravity (Nov 4, 2009)

Melissa. Just curious. How socially active are you? How often do you go out with friends and hang out with people and engage? Or do you spend a great deal of time at home?


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## opie37060 (Jan 9, 2010)

I hear what your saying Melissa. I have tried everything people on this site have suggested. Don't think about it, exercise,socialize, etc. Well I didn't try to think about it for one year and socialized like crazy and it only got worse. I spent thousands of dollars on supplements and walked all summer long. Didn't help any. I even changed my diet completly around and it didn't help. I believe some of that stuff might help other people but for some of us it's just a different situation. It's like no matter what we try nothing helps. If I hear one more post of someone saying to not think about it and go socialize im going to snap.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

The way I see it you have 3 options. You can either kill yourself, continue to do what you've been doing the past year and continue to exist in the same state or you can stop blowing off everyone who's trying to help you and actually take the advice of those who have gotten better and are trying to help you too. "The definiton of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result" -Albert Einstein
Something to think about....


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

ValleyGirl83 said:


> The way I see it you have 3 options. You can either kill yourself, continue to do what you've been doing the past year and continue to exist in the same state or you can stop blowing off everyone who's trying to help you and actually take the advice of those who have gotten better and are trying to help you too. "The definiton of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result" -Albert Einstein
> Something to think about....


I love how everyone that has experienced hardcore DP acknowledges that suicide is a viable option. But seriously, go for number 3 - there might be a shot.

You can certainly beat the depression and the anxiety that goes along with this experience - as for the rest, I dunno.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

PhoenixDown said:


> I love how everyone that has experienced hardcore DP acknowledges that suicide is a viable option. But seriously, go for number 3 - there might be a shot.
> 
> You can certainly beat the depression and the anxiety that goes along with this experience - as for the rest, I dunno.


I'm not even sure if people understand the agony I'm going through, NOTHING makes me feel better, it's a fucking battle every fucking day. I have every right to be god damn pissed. I just keep getting worse. What the hell is there left to do, I have no hope.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Melissa_Z said:


> I'm not even sure if people understand the agony I'm going through, NOTHING makes me feel better, it's a fucking battle every fucking day. I have every right to be god damn pissed. I just keep getting worse. What the hell is there left to do, I have no hope.


I do. I was in your shoes for a year and a half. I was able able to feel better the day that I accepted that fighting it was pointless. I fought Dp tooth and nail for a very long time. I had panic attack after panic attack and I very clearly remember one morning I was in the bath, freaking out over how numb and disoriented I was feeling, trying to work myself into another panic attack, and I suddenly realized how pointless it was. I realized that I could go ahead and have the panic attack but that when the terror subsided nothing would be different. I'd be right where I was before the panic attack. I'd still have Dp and the only thing constantly freaking out and fighting it was doing was wasting a whole lot of energy that could be put into more productive outlets. That was the day I finally accepted my Dp. I was like "I have it and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to change it so I'm going to figure out how to live despite it". That's the point you need to get to.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

ValleyGirl83 said:


> I do. I was in your shoes for a year and a half. I was able able to feel better the day that I accepted that fighting it was pointless. I fought Dp tooth and nail for a very long time. I had panic attack after panic attack and I very clearly remember one morning I was in the bath, freaking out over how numb and disoriented I was feeling, trying to work myself into another panic attack, and I suddenly realized how pointless it was. I realized that I could go ahead and have the panic attack but that when the terror subsided nothing would be different. I'd be right where I was before the panic attack. I'd still have Dp and the only thing constantly freaking out and fighting it was doing was wasting a whole lot of energy that could be put into more productive outlets. That was the day I finally accepted my Dp. I was like "I have it and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to change it so I'm going to figure out how to live despite it". That's the point you need to get to.


trust me, I WANT to get to that point more than anything but I am feeling more disconnected day by day, I just got back from my appointment with my therapist and she's so worried about me. If it wasn't so severe then of course I would accept it but I am so scared, I just feel like I'm dying. It's the same story I tell my therapist, I feel worse, blah blah blah, nothing helps, blah blah blah, and she's so concerned. Really, what the hell do I do, the way it is now is torture. I feel like there's a fog in front of me that keeps getting thicker and thicker. I am so tired of fighting but I don't want to do anything stupid.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I've already told you over and over again what you need to do. You need to change how you think and that in turn will change how you feel. You need to turn your focus externally instead of internally. I highly recommend you read Overcoming Depersonalization by Fugen Neziroglu. The book contains behavioral therapies in it that will help you out of the pit you're in but you have to do the work. No one is going to just be able to drop a magic cure in your lap. There isn't going to be a pill or a person who's going to make it go away overnight. You have to work at recovery. If you have the strength to fight against the Dp so hard I know you have the strength to fight for recovery. You're just going to have to decide to stop making excuses for why you can't do that and decide to do it.

Ill tell you what. I will buy the book for you. I truly believe in the power of what is inside it and how it can help you.


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