# All in this together



## Hope regained (Apr 23, 2012)

So finally I decided too make a post here... Ironically I am writing this today, 23.04.2012, without any feeling of DP. I had it for seven years, and I know everything about this son of a bitch. I experienced the non familiarity symptoms, I experienced the visual snow thingy ( not 100% sure about this, but I sometimes see small white dots in front of me This has not been a frequent symptom for me though). I been in the void for seven and a half year and now I want too share my story. I hope you all want too read through this:=) Basically, I was born into a family with several dysfunctions. From the outside I am sure we looked completely normal, though this only intensified the problem, because no one around could see the terror and remorse me and my sister experienced. My mom, a caring and loving character, was ( and is ) one of the persons I hold dearest too my heart. Ironically though, even tho she is only good in her heart, and is a stand up person, she was actually a part of the problem. Because my Dad was an alchoholic. He also had one of the worst temper around. He could literally snap for nothing, and would keep it going for several days. There was never any direct violence in the family, but there was the emotional and the psychic violence. And this one can be just as cruel. And it doesn¨t even leave any trace! In a family that functioned around and for my Dad ( we had too walk around more silent than you¨ll find in a grave), something happens in the mind of children. Our mind adapts too the situation. Seeing that I was born into this mayhem on earth, I found it logical too always please my Dad, because when he was happy, we could be happy. Not a good tactic tho, eh? In some sort of distorted manner I even cared for the man. I felt so sorry for him, I could see his pain. This became my strong and weak side. I became a master in reading people, and emotions. But what I also did, and I never remember me doing this consciously, was that I degraded my own feelings. I was in the making of becoming a co narsicisst. I would recommend everyone too read about this sort of personality disorder. Basically someone who is a co narsicisst degrades their own needs for the wellbeing of someone else, be it friend, parents, husband etc.. And as I am sure a lot of people know, narsicissts are people that is extremely egoistic, and have a grand feeling about themselves. Talk about a match! I go around in the world sensing every emotion, and caretake and validate those that is feeling bad, I would even go as far too say that I sacrifice myself for them.

Actually, I remember as I child I could not feel any physical pain. One time I stood into an oven for around 20 seconds, I could not feel it. Seriously. I have later thought upon this fact, and I have come too the conclusion that all my life I have always been in pain when someone else is in pain. I would never be in sorrow or take care of myself. Tbh I did not even feel my own pain. Well this is something about me and my personality. Here comes something about my DP experiences:

As a child I remember several occasions where I felt sort of distant. Everything felt fake, my vision distorted, lost the feeling of my own body... etc etc. You all know the deal I suppose?







But the onset of Depersonalization came in my 14th year. At school, I was the best. In every subject I got top score or close too it. In sports I achieved big results as a runner, and football player. ( I am Norwegian, so soccer for those of you that is American). So school and football was my two safe havens, and luckily I found myself thriving in both. But then my past and my co narcissism came back too haunt me... At football ,there was this Narcisstic character that I started hanging out with. Needless too say, he was a total jerk and we became best friends... (oooooh, the irony) It ended up with me quiting football the year after I won the best player award, because I started losing friends at the football team, and this jerk took all my energy. ( there is a long story too this, but I rather not come with every single detail) So at school we had a new guy joining us, and I instantly reacted too him. I felt drawn too him ( not sexually...), and no surprise he was rather a big jerk aswell. I started losing friends at both arenas, and both places it was the narcissistic personality that made me silent, and that took my friends away. Now everywhere I went I would end up acting as I did at home, because of the threats around me. These narcisstic individuals. At this time I did not have the self insight too know what was happening too me, but my world became smaller and smaller. I still remember the day. The onset. I was sitting at school, some classmates were talking too each other and I went up too them. I tried too join the conversation, but it ended up with me sitting there, silent. Then I entered the Void, and I have been there till this year. This was 2005. Now it is 2012. I lost all my adolesence. I remember the weird feeling. I look around and everyone was so...animal like. I thought : I am human, I am an animal, and so are these. Do I really know these people, who are they? Who is hiding behind their mask that is their face. Do we have a soul? I am thinking right now, I thought. And it seriously felt so weird. Like, I was thinking? What is really thinking? Where do I gather the information from that I think? I cannot see my thoughts. Is it my brain that is feeding me information? Am I in total control of what I think.... etc etc. And of course I thought upon how every single person in this room had their own world view, and I literally tried too place myself in their shoes. Not a healthy thing too try. Ever since I have been searching for an answer about the mystery that is life, and though I have become wiser, I have not found an answer. And I would be really surprised if any of you have?









So, too make a long story short. At new years eve 2011, I decided for a new years resolution. It wasn¨t that many months since I found out that I had something called depersonalization, and I had read a bunch about it. I decided that I would get out of this void. It¨s been a hell. But for every single day, uptil this one, I became clearer and clearer. I started seeing a therapist, a psychologist. And this shows me how insecure I was. Because literally all I did with this psychologist was telling him what I struggled with, I came up with scientific facts, I literally had it all planned out how too get out of this mess. But I went too see him just too get an affirmation. Just too hear him say, "yes, you are right".

Basically what I been doing for the last 4 months and 23 days is this:

1. Writing. Write about your past trauma, identify your thoughts that have distortions, the misconceptions about your self. 
2. Start being egoistic. Tell friends and family no when you mean no. Take care of yourself, do what you want. 
3. Eat correctly, start taking vitamins etc. This is really, really important!
4. Identify with your true self. Because this co narcisstic being of me is not who I want too be. It is merely an adaptation I had too do as a child too survive. 
5. Take your time. It will not go over in a instant. 
6. Write down in a book or whatever, the thoughts you have about DP when you are not heavily in it. I mean thoughts like: It is just a feeling,it isn¨t anything too be afraid of. It is merely a pattern of thoughts, it is a habit that becomes stronger when you nurture it. 
7. what everyone else says: Distract yourself.

So the bottom line is, we are all in this together. You and me, everyone here on this page. We are all describing the same state of being, and therefore it is my thought that there is something more than DP that we share. Maybe personality, life story, etc. My point is this, we all know about DP. We all know how it is, we are all in this. Instead of making every page and text about the experiences we have with it ( yes, they are terrifying...), we should all start too get too know each other and start on our path too recovery. Don¨t you think? I mean, obviously by the looks of it, there is a lot of intelligent and good people around here. Instead of merely writing about our bad experiences and what DP is like etc, let us beat this monster together. Don¨t you think? Let¨s get too know each other, talk about our life story, what we think got us in this place, and start fixing our lives. We have the power too do it. YOU have the power to do it. The answer lies within you, within all of us. And how much wisdom have we not aquired after being in this hellhole? ( Yes, this must surely be hell, and tbh nothing can measure up too being here.) 
Just imagine how strong YOU can be after beating this son of a bitch? We all have the answer within ourselves too heal, but it is a long road, and there will be casualties. Your life has too change. Safe zones have too be expanded. Challenges have too be met. But for each and every day, you will prosper, and believe me, life on the other side is paradise. You cannot live in paradis, and know that you are there, before you have been in hell. What is joy, if you never have experienced sadness? What is love, without ever experience hate? We have all been in hell, and we have the power too create our own paradises, because compared too hell, it will be exactly that... a paradise. So let us rise up together, stand up against our demons, and face life on earth. Let us prosper too be something great, too do something good here on life. Let this be a lesson, don¨t let it be your life, let it be a lesson for YOUR LIFE. Because believe me, it is the best lesson you can get...

I suggest we make a motivation page here on this site. Where we talk about our positive experiences, just about anything really. Plans, hopes, life, the world around us. Let us prosper together, let us help each other plan our lives and be someone. Are you in, or are you out?

PS: Today, I am going back too the soccer field. In an age of 21, I still hate the fact of all the years I lost and what I could have become. But I am going, stronger than ever. What are you doing today?... Get up and get ready too fight!









Best Regards


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## Hope regained (Apr 23, 2012)

On further notice, I see that his might be on the wrong thread. Any admins can fix that?:=)


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS


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## dazednconfuzd (Apr 21, 2012)

thank you for this. i have dealin with dp now for 3 months. n this is disordr is fraekn hell!!!! all the crazy thougths the feeling where u cant feel anything, the feeling where i feel like i pretending n that im werid. the feeling that i cant i talk .... this is a nightmarethat im so ready to wake up from!! we can do this, this is a mind over matter type of deal. i know we all have it in us to get over this... its just tryin to find it in ourselves. thats my problem anyways... i havent been dealin with dp very long, nt as long as most ppl on here but i do believe one day i will be over this.. and when that day comes i will cry with joy. we really must all stick togethr through this. since no one else can help us. not even psycholigist no much bout this crap. thats freakn sad!!!


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

I also have had it for 3 months theres a good chance were not gonna be in this for the long hall but if we are we will eventaully see the light just like this person


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## Hope regained (Apr 23, 2012)

Just so you all realize it, the light does not come by itself. That¨s the major problem, cause you actually gotta want it 100%. Can you say that you have given 100% too get out of it? I know exactly how being in DP land is, and the willpower is nearly not there at all. But that is the major challenge when one got DP as far as I can see it, that you¨r mental focus changes so drastically and your energy lvl as well, so 100 % in DP land and 100% in normal condition is two very different matters altogether. There is only willpower that can get you out of it, so give 100% each day, and you¨ll see that your energy reserve will be larger and larger. Just don¨t use it all up on DP, cause DP drains your energy so too speak.

Look upon it as an evil circle. When you are in that circle you are blind. But you know the way out, you just gotta trust yourself. Whenever you get into the circle again, just get out. Trust yourself. The more time you use in the circle, and think that you cannot get out, the more you are lost. You just gotta take that leap of faith and get outta there. And you will see that eventually that circle will be gone. I gotta be honest and say, I still get the DP feelings. But I don¨t respond too it. I do something else. I get that odd sense of feeling that you all know, but I shrug it off now, like DP was a bully and I stopped paying attention too it. I¨ll rather do something else, cause it doesn¨t frighten me anymore. And for each and every day I feel more and more normal. Yesterday was the first day that my house looked like... well my home. I nearly screamed of joy. I could see it, and it didn¨t look unreal. For each and every day more and more stuff look more and more real. I would say I am cured, but that I still need "healing". It doesn¨t go 100% away the first day, but this has been a process over 4 months and 23 days. And as I said, each and every day has been better and better

I have found that expressing your feelings too other people also help REALLY much. Practice that as much as you can. It is hard, and I could nearly not control my anger the first time I felt it. I literally went into a rage for 1 hour, wanting too beat someone up so bad. I thought of everything I had gone through, and everyone who had been a buttercup* towards me, but I kept that rage as my own. I listenend too it and I nurtured it. And I broke a mirror, but hey! atleast it looked real when the mirror broke So getting in contact with your primal feelings is very important. Write as much as you can. And when you express your feelings too other people you get validation. Even if it is over something small, like a match or program on TV, you get that feeling that someone sees you. And I promise you guys, that really helps.

Actually for a month ago I started crying for like an hour infront of my mom. Crying and crying and crying. I am 21 years old lol, but I had not cried since I were really young. And I have gone through a lot of shit. I felt like a little baby, but I didn¨t stop it. I think I got over some of my emotional blockage by doing that, so express your feelings every way you can guys! I cannot put enough emphazis on this!


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

I think after crawling out of this darkness your nearly there 100 percnet and your only 21 so expect your twenties to be awsomee years!!!!!!


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## Hope regained (Apr 23, 2012)

I certainly hope so For each and every day my vision gets better, it doesn¨t seem so artificial anymore, and my inner dialog has improved, I think more positive and think more clearly and I got my concentration back. When I am 100% out there, I¨ll be waiting for you all


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