# Roleplaying



## DEUSX (Oct 30, 2006)

I have not been here for a while, but I wanted to post my story.

With me DP/DR started when I was 20. I have struggled with the symptoms for over ten years. During these years I went to psychiatrists, psychologists, NLP coaches, hypnotists etc. Nothing seemed to help except for my daily portion of Klonopin 10 mg. in the mornings. In the meantime I graduaded two times (double MSc) and found good positions within big companies. I also met a woman with whom I had a relationship for 8 years. Still I was very frustrated with my life, the DP annoyed me; I felt tired, scared, could not drive (medically I was not allowed to have a driver's license). It felt like I was stuck in a life which was not mine, I had the feeling that I was merely functioning and not living.

The solution for my DP/DR disorder came after I got more and more frustrated with occurences in my social circle. People started to get married, got kids etc. Although I was in a relationship I knew I was with her because it was easy because with her I did not have to face my fears regarding sexuality, relations and my lack of self-confidence.

The reason and solution for my DP turned out to be very simple: due to some traumatic events (although nothing horrific, it was my subjective perception) in my puberty I had lost confidence in myself and in my power. I felt scared to do some things which I started to avoid. By avoiding these things I did not feel the anxiety but in fact I neglected a part of me as a human being and hence my reality. I created an emotional distance between the life I knew I should live and the one I actually lived. This void, this emotional gap was induced by fears, by avoidance behaviour and by procrastination. I filled in this void with fantasies, with daydreams of how things would work out fine etc. etc. I actually depersonalised and derealized myself from the life I should be living. Instead of fulfilling my emotional goals, instead of living MY life, I was functioning. I was not myself. I was pretending to be living.

This insight was a major breakthrough. I also felt that whenever I spoke from my heart, when I stopped kiddin' myself with avoidance or anticipatory behaviour, regained a grip on myself, felt willpower to be in control of my life again DP/DR suddenly lifted. In the beginning very short episodes, but I knew I was on track again. Not only regarding DP/DR but more importantly with my life. In these periods I reconnected with my feelings and with my surroundings (became my true self). I am positive that DP/DR with me is not anxiety (although anxiety plays a crucial role). It is a symptom that tells me that I am doing things that I should not be doing and that I should do other things instead (fulfill my emotional needs instead of neglecting them). To stop roleplaying and start living.


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## DreamLife (Sep 16, 2007)

I agree with you 100%. I need to freaking stop neglecting my feelings and emotions and start to feel them. I never thought about it, but I have been "role-playing," as you say, for the last 23 years. This makes perfect sense to me. Thank you.


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## DEUSX (Oct 30, 2006)

You are feeling already, you only have to act upon your feelings. The muscle of confidence has to be trained.

And I forgot to say in my earlier post: DP was a symptom in my case. But somehow I managed to make DP also a barricade to move on. DP was for over 10 years also my excuse to not make decisions, to not move on...


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