# Relapse after recovery, but positive!



## sjkdfjsdlf (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi everyone!









I believe my last post on this site was circa 2009. In April 2008, I went through a traumatic period of anxiety and DP/DR symptoms after I became fearful for my health following a stray cat bite and a night of smoking marijuana. The symptoms came and went over the entire year, and I blame that on my inconsistency with medications, vitamins, eating habits, hobbies, etc. It's worth mentioning as well that I was in an unhealthy relationship and living somewhere I didn't feel safe, which greatly stunted my recovery.

At the end of 2009 I moved into a very cozy house, ended the unhealthy relationship, and focused on the things I was passionate about. I noticed during this time, I felt safe enough to ignore the lingering thoughts of "how do I feel now?". I KNEW I was okay and secure, and with each day that went by I became more and more calm. I started dating a guy who kept me occupied and positive. I also noticed during this time that I would worry about things as they came, but not relating things back to my "condition" of being highly anxious and spaced out. Over time, I forgot about the DP/DR symptoms, and this lasted for a couple of years. So many of you seem to think that forgetting about DP/DR cannot be done, but I AM LIVING PROOF. I reverted back to the person I was before the episode in 2008, and started worrying about trivial things again, not existential crises. I'd say these were some of the best years of my life. I also graduated and found a job where I felt completely focused, motivated and at ease. I was living a normal life, despite sad things that were happening around me (father in rehab, great grandmother passing away, etc). One time I was at dinner with a friend of mine and she was describing her struggle with panic/anxiety brought on by a new job. I kept saying to her that I didn't remember how that felt, which meant that she could get to that point sometime too. Sometimes just for old times' sake I'd do a "self-check", making sure I felt completely aware and grounded, and guess what--I did.

While I hate that my post will now turn a bit sour, you must know that there are things I could have avoided to have a relapse AND know that I'm staying positive, so don't think everyone who succeeds at beating this is guaranteed to fall short. February of this year, I had a series of pretty bad arguments with my boyfriend for reasons that we have now resolved. Also, most significantly, I was going to be moving 14 hours away from home to attend graduate school. I was very excited, but fearful about this experience. My biggest fear was becoming stressed to the point of falling back into the DP/DR mindset. I also feared the change of scenery. Transition was tough for me during undergrad, which was why I moved back home to complete my bachelor's degree.

Well, the first few days living far away from home were great. After a night at a wine mixer for our new apartment complex, I began to feel very insecure.. It was strange because nothing had technically gone wrong, but I felt like I had embarrassed myself, and suddenly this place didn't feel like home to me. It began to remind me of the apartment (similar in layout) where I had the episode in 2008. The next day I felt strange, and had a full-blown panic attack after leaving Lowe's. My mind was so scattered that I couldn't put together the shelving unit that I purchased. While I've had some ups and downs following these events (for only 1 week now), I am much more positive this time around. I'm going to try and see this objectively, and look at the big picture. There is no way I'm leaving my dream school based on some anxiety and strange symptoms. I am going to succeed, and I am going to live a happy life. As cheesy as it sounds, I have been repeating the following affirmation in my head- "I am loved; I am brave; I am tough."

Moral of this story is that full recovery is possible. I don't want anyone to be discouraged by my current situation. Maybe look at circumstances in your life that you want to change. Take care of this as an anxiety disorder, nothing more. I will check back with any significant updates. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Best wishes!


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

I, too, recovered COMPLETELY 100% from this condition last April for 3 weeks only, but was so ecstatic and optimistic while the recovery lasted. Unfortunately, for reason that I can't quite identify, I relapsed, and I relapsed pretty hard. It's great that you are much more positive this time around and have affirmations to help keep you grounded and motivated. I hope that we can both beat this again. I've heard a lot of people say, ''If you've beat this once, you can beat it again!'' and I sure as hell hope that's true. Good luck!


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## sjkdfjsdlf (Apr 8, 2008)

insaticiable said:


> I, too, recovered COMPLETELY 100% from this condition last April for 3 weeks only, but was so ecstatic and optimistic while the recovery lasted. Unfortunately, for reason that I can't quite identify, I relapsed, and I relapsed pretty hard. It's great that you are much more positive this time around and have affirmations to help keep you grounded and motivated. I hope that we can both beat this again. I've heard a lot of people say, ''If you've beat this once, you can beat it again!'' and I sure as hell hope that's true. Good luck!


Sorry to hear that, Insaticiable. Glad you share my outlook on this! It is post certainly possible to recover. What factors contributed to your recovery, if you don't mind me asking? Were you living in the same place?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

katie02160 said:


> Sorry to hear that, Insaticiable. Glad you share my outlook on this! It is post certainly possible to recover. What factors contributed to your recovery, if you don't mind me asking? Were you living in the same place?


I posted my ''recovery story'' under someone else's thread, so I will try to find that and link it here. It's too long to type it all out!


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Katie, I found it. I will just copy and paste the story beneath.

I recovered 100% COMPLETELY from dp/dr in April 2011. I went to a psychiatric hospital on March 28, and was there for a week. On the 4th day, I was sitting on my bed very depressed when I decided that I wanted to go wash my hands in the bathroom. I don't know what happened...I don't know what triggered it, but I SWEAR to you...all of a sudden, I felt like something purged out of my soul. If you have ever seen the movie Freaky Friday with Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis, it is kind of like that earthquake scene where they get back inside their own bodies. It was a remarkable, astonishing, and truly indescribable moment. I felt like something came out of my soul. I looked around and sure enough, my DR was gone. GONE. I could see everything clearly. That veil/transparent sheet that had remained in front of me had gone away completely. And my body...it felt so light. Not this heavy sensation that I used to get. I felt euphoric, I felt peaceful, I felt GRATEFUL. I felt like God had finally answered my prayers.

The next morning, (Saturday), I reported to my doctor that my DP of 14 months had completely gone away and if it was possible to go home that day as I felt fine enough to leave. He said it would not be a good idea to leave right away because he said it was important for my mind to get used to that ''safe'' feeling I had achieved and to let my body get adjusted to this new state. So I stayed till Monday.

The day I left the hospital and came home, I decided to go for a walk in the park. I kid you not, as I began walking, I noticed just how bright and beautiful everything looked around me. How vibrant and full of life I felt. The world looked like a lollipop and I just wanted to taste it!

Again, I was so thankful to have come back to ''reality'' and really started believing in God once again. I wanted to get a tattoo of a representation of Him on my arm to remind me that He is always there. I began functioning again like a normal person (showering, leaving the house, etc).

Here is the very sad part, but I feel like if I have shared all this so far, I have to be honest:

About 3 weeks after I had recovered, I noticed that I began feeling like a ''Mindless Drone.'' There is no better way to describe it other than that. I was feeling very robotic and slightly depressed, but I kind of shrugged it away. Several days later, I noticed that I began experiencing very severe out of body sensations. Like I had totally left my body. At this point I was very alarmed and knew that something was wrong. Long story short, things kept getting worse and worse, and I totally relapsed again. When my DP/DR first started, I began with really terrible DP. I had never experienced anything like it. I wanted to commit suicide it was so bad, and after seeing my pain and agony, my psychiatrist decided to prescribe me Risperdal to keep me from going completely nuts.

I know this is not one of those ''happily ever after'' stories although I so desprately wish it was. I believe that the 3 biggest contributing factors to my recovery were:

1. I felt safe (on the inside).
2. Things seemed non-threatening in regards to my OCD symptoms. My OCD actually improved a LOT while I was at the hospital. I was spending much less time performing my rituals.
3. My heart felt at peace and contentment.

I know most recovery stories don't happen in the fashion that mine did, but I felt it was necessary to share my story.

Oh! And after I recovered and came back from the hospital, I did not come back to this site. In fact, I didn't return till about July of this year. I just felt no need to come back on and the site didn't interest me anymore.

If anyone has any further questions about my recovery, please don't hesitate to ask.

At this point, I don't know what made me relapse or what triggered me back into this horrible state, and I don't know if I will recover any time soon, but I am thankful, that for 3 weeks, I lived in complete happiness. I think I deserved it.

That is all for now.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

hey there... i can relate... i was great the last month or two and most of last year... but now im bad again.... and the existential stuff has come bak in full swing.. and now i cant remmeber normal.. i feel unsafe being alive... is this set bak normal? i also feel theres reasons for my set bak.. alot of stuff happening at home.. intense therepy session... drinking too much.. and ignoring my feelings... but now i feel so scared again... and life makes no sense again.. how cud things feel so normal.and now i feel so lost.... any advice wud b greatful... and also the existential stuff if u cud tell me ur experince that wud help.. thanks.. katie (aswell )


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## noname (Sep 23, 2008)

> Over time, I forgot about the DP/DR symptoms, and this lasted for a couple of years. So many of you seem to think that forgetting about DP/DR cannot be done, but I AM LIVING PROOF.


Hey
I concur, Ive recovered for 1,5 years in 2007 2008 or somethings. Not like I was 100% ok, I was at least 80% like before, interested into things, having insight, project for changing the world lol, ect.
Ive relapsed too, I dont want to sound too negative but imo when you reach a certain level of DP you just cannot recover and are DOOMED FOR LIFE, yes, a bit like different tinnitus level. doomed for life. Yes. exactly. Im actually on coke.


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## lindaindigo (Mar 17, 2012)

[quote name='katie02160' timestamp='1332703755' post='253883'
Hi everyone!









I believe my last post on this site was circa 2009. In April 2008, I went through a traumatic period of anxiety and DP/DR symptoms after I became fearful for my health following a stray cat bite and a night of smoking marijuana. The symptoms came and went over the entire year, and I blame that on my inconsistency with medications, vitamins, eating habits, hobbies, etc. It's worth mentioning as well that I was in an unhealthy relationship and living somewhere I didn't feel safe, which greatly stunted my recovery.

At the end of 2009 I moved into a very cozy house, ended the unhealthy relationship, and focused on the things I was passionate about. I noticed during this time, I felt safe enough to ignore the lingering thoughts of "how do I feel now?". I KNEW I was okay and secure, and with each day that went by I became more and more calm. I started dating a guy who kept me occupied and positive. I also noticed during this time that I would worry about things as they came, but not relating things back to my "condition" of being highly anxious and spaced out. Over time, I forgot about the DP/DR symptoms, and this lasted for a couple of years. So many of you seem to think that forgetting about DP/DR cannot be done, but I AM LIVING PROOF. I reverted back to the person I was before the episode in 2008, and started worrying about trivial things again, not existential crises. I'd say these were some of the best years of my life. I also graduated and found a job where I felt completely focused, motivated and at ease. I was living a normal life, despite sad things that were happening around me (father in rehab, great grandmother passing away, etc). One time I was at dinner with a friend of mine and she was describing her struggle with panic/anxiety brought on by a new job. I kept saying to her that I didn't remember how that felt, which meant that she could get to that point sometime too. Sometimes just for old times' sake I'd do a "self-check", making sure I felt completely aware and grounded, and guess what--I did.

While I hate that my post will now turn a bit sour, you must know that there are things I could have avoided to have a relapse AND know that I'm staying positive, so don't think everyone who succeeds at beating this is guaranteed to fall short. February of this year, I had a series of pretty bad arguments with my boyfriend for reasons that we have now resolved. Also, most significantly, I was going to be moving 14 hours away from home to attend graduate school. I was very excited, but fearful about this experience. My biggest fear was becoming stressed to the point of falling back into the DP/DR mindset. I also feared the change of scenery. Transition was tough for me during undergrad, which was why I moved back home to complete my bachelor's degree.

Well, the first few days living far away from home were great. After a night at a wine mixer for our new apartment complex, I began to feel very insecure.. It was strange because nothing had technically gone wrong, but I felt like I had embarrassed myself, and suddenly this place didn't feel like home to me. It began to remind me of the apartment (similar in layout) where I had the episode in 2008. The next day I felt strange, and had a full-blown panic attack after leaving Lowe's. My mind was so scattered that I couldn't put together the shelving unit that I purchased. While I've had some ups and downs following these events (for only 1 week now), I am much more positive this time around. I'm going to try and see this objectively, and look at the big picture. There is no way I'm leaving my dream school based on some anxiety and strange symptoms. I am going to succeed, and I am going to live a happy life. As cheesy as it sounds, I have been repeating the following affirmation in my head- "I am loved; I am brave; I am tough."

Moral of this story is that full recovery is possible. I don't want anyone to be discouraged by my current situation. Maybe look at circumstances in your life that you want to change. Take care of this as an anxiety disorder, nothing more. I will check back with any significant updates. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Best wishes!

RE this post i wanted to say i had a huge episode of DP in the seventies and i completely recovered.. since then i've had relapses.. but I've learnt they fade away if i just distract myself and focus on being with people and having to act normal...the first time i was put on medication (nardil).. but since then I've managed without.. have tried flower essences, acupuncture.. am going through a bad time with it again just now after a long period of intense worry about my life and getting older.. but am determined to beat it again.. and if i can, anyone can.. I know how very scary it is... its hell on earth.. but it IS beatable..


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Did u have existential thoughts ???


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