# Persistent feeling of emptiness/meaningless



## LostSoul2

Hi guys,

I hope you can take a moment to read my story and offer me some feedback as to what I'm experiencing. From what I've read so far, I seem to be suffering from "DP", see what you think....

Before I start I'd like to say that I've never had any mental health issues in the past. I have always had a very stable and positive outlook on life, so much so that I plan to join the military. Hence this whole experience is completely alien to me, I feel like this life I'm living isn't even mine anymore.

So this whole thing started in October 2011. I had just come back to University for my second year of study and I had chosen to go back into halls of residence rather than private housing which most students do in their second year. The reason behind this was because all the student houses looked so grotty and horrible and I just couldn't envisage myself living there with my mates.

The first week back at Uni brings with it plenty of partying, socialising and more often than not...sex with strangers. I had been drinking and partying for about 2-3 days in a row when I suddenly had what can best be described as a 'Dark Night of the Soul'. I had strong suspicions that my drink had been spiked the night before as the whole evening was a blackout and when I went back to a girl's house, I couldn't get an erection during sex. Also, during the daytime I had horrendous stomach pains. I have never reacted to alcohol in this way before.

So when I went to bed that evening (the night after the possible drink spiking) I felt very vulnerable and scared especially in my lonely rooms in halls. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night with racing dark thoughts. I was banging my fist on the wall begging not to go crazy. I felt like finding the fire exit to the roof so I could end it all. Now what the hell happened here?! For someone with no previous mental issues AT ALL to suddenly breakdown like this, can only be credited to either alchohol poisoining or drink spiking. It felt like I was living a nightmare, I completely lost the plot. The following morning I was up at 7am to ring my parents. I explaining to them that I had just had the weirdest evening (not going into as much detail as I didn't want to scare them). My dad just brushed it off as a bad nightmare, it would turn out to be so much more. This whole night would prove to shake my entire perception of the world.

For the next few weeks after that I felt incredibly strange. The best way to describe it is a persistent feeling of emptiness. It was if something had just sucked out all the joy, optimism and general sanity from my very being. I went to see the University counsellor which was personally very humiliating. It was like I'd lost faith in my own ability to deal with problems, which I have always done in the past. I explained to her in full how I was feeling and what happened during that first week. I saw here roughly once a week and each time I saw her I ended up breaking down in tears. I just couldn't understand what was happening to me, and this frustration was really getting me down. The next 3-4 months sent me spiralling into a depression. I had racing negative thoughts, couldn't concentrate, couldn't spend time by myself and generally hit rock bottom. I was also having terrible night sweats and I'd wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet. It was like my body was struggling to deal with this whole mental experience as much as my soul was!

After Christmas I gradually recovered from my bout of depression and felt slightly more stable. Since then however I have still been left with the exact same feelings of those first few weeks. As I'm writing this and I describe to you how I feel it would be summed up by 'emptiness'. Everything in life seems so pointless. I have no excitement over the future. Everything seems so bleak and meaningless. I feel like a zombie, just going through the motions of life with no attachment or joy. I've lost my libido, motivation to succeed in life and even the love for my family and friends. I've lost my witty personality and can't banter with the lads. It's like I'm just driftwood.

My attemps at treating this issue have been counselling (as previously mentioned), shamanic healing (desperation), hypnotherapy (with one of the best hypnotherapists in London), a spiritual walk known as the Camino de Santiago, fish oils, Vitamin D3 supplement, and I've recently starting taking the SAMe supplement, just to try and give me a bit of "oomph".

I literally see no light at the end of the tunnel. None of the above treatments have worked. This is the first ever post I've put on a forum like this, I wanted to see if anyone out there can relate to my experience or these feelings that I have? I just want my old self back so badly. The zest, passion, motivation and positive outlook that I used to have, I want to retrieve desperately. I just want to feel connected!

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I understand it's a long post but I think you need the full picture. Any feedback or comments would be great.

Lost Soul2


----------



## Midnight

Yo, I had the same experience during freshers... was horrible. Uni has been a bit of a nightmare. I'm in 3rd year, hows about you?

I wish I could offer you some really good advice man but I've been going through this for nearly 2 years myself ever since a weird spiritual experience that happened in halls and haven't seen a great deal of improvement besides panic attacks ceasing to happen. Been feeling like an empty shell of a man and have entirely lost my 'me', my 'self'. It feels like the humanity is being ripped from you, I know.

Things that have helped somewhat have been deep breathing, journalling, running & therapy. Also stay social if you can. The amount of times I was out clubbing with mates and I wanted to jump in a taxi and go home was ALOT but I stayed with it and felt better afterwards.


----------



## LostSoul2

Yeh I'm 3rd year now too mate. This happened last year though, so after having such a great first year, it was a real disappointment to have this happen to me.

I think DP can be triggered for a variety of reasons, for you it was a spiritual thing, for me it was alcohol abuse/likely spiking. Those feelings were so alien to me at the start that they undoubtedly made me depressed. But after a while I think I just became 'used' to it.

"Been feeling like an empty shell of a man and have entirely lost my 'me', my 'self'. It feels like the humanity is being ripped from you, I know."

I can relate to this a lot. Sometimes I just look around campus and think, wow, is it really just me feeling like this? Nothing really seems real. Even when I was walking the camino de santiago, which is supposed to be a very rich and enhancing experience, everything felt very bare and disconnected. How do you find relationships if you don't me asking? I mentioned above that this has affected my libido, similar situation with you?

Yeh a lot of the time partying seems pointless. Plus I find alcohol can often worsen the symptoms and can make you feel depressed the following day. I used to be believe that 'everything happens for a reason' and this phase will eventually pass. And afterwards, we will appreciate the wonders of life so much more. But for me its been going on for a year, for you two by the sounds of it. The thought of living the rest of my life like this is unbearable. Even when I'm making plans for travelling after uni, I'm like what's the point? All these beaches and mountains should appear spectacular to me, but there's just this void inside inside me that doesn't allow any form of connection with such things.

Being sociable definitely helps, as does exercise and a good diet. Laying off the booze is a great idea too. And making plans is important, even if you know you may not look forward to them, always have something to aim for otherwise you could end up spiralling down...


----------



## Midnight

yeah libido thing is exactly the same for me. I actually met a girl on first night of freshers in my 2nd year and went back to hers but I couldn't perform. I just felt numb, I didn't really care though cos I was so dissociated that I forgot about it pretty soon afterwards. I also don't really think about girls anymore or have much interest in them.

I think traveling would be a good thing. I did it before Uni when I wasn't depersonalized so I can't really comment but when i went to India and stuff that woke me up majorly. It was a shock to the system but it definately made me realize how lucky we are in the West and more grateful about what I had in my life. Not sure how it would help with DP but alot of people think this is a spiritual experience of some kind as the ego has been seen not to be real. In my experience it was certainly this.

Best of luck.


----------



## LostSoul2

That's the thing, it's not like I'm not attracted to girls, just lost any interest in pursuing a relationship or sex. Sharing any intimate experience with anyone is actually very difficult. It's almost like that emotional area has just been unplugged. For someone like me, who always used to be a bit of a "ladies man" this is certainly a shock to the system.

You know, I think I will just have to put my life plans and the military on hold till this is sorted, one way or the other. Travelling after university may just provide the stimulus to create a lasting-change. From a spiritual sense, this would definitely make sense. Like you say, visiting less priveleged areas really gives you a wake-up call.

It's comforting to know that I'm not a "nut-case" and there are other people out there who are going through similar experiences.

I wonder if this 'disorder' can suddenly switch off? If it came upon you and I so rapidly in extraordinary circumstances, who's to say that it can't disappear in a similar way? If medicine is struggling to provide us with answers, then holding onto the hope that you can wake up one day without feeling 'depersonalized' (and struggling with the depressive symptoms that accompany it) is really all we've got?


----------



## Midnight

LostSoul2 said:


> That's the thing, it's not like I'm not attracted to girls, just lost any interest in pursuing a relationship or sex. Sharing any intimate experience with anyone is actually very difficult. It's almost like that emotional area has just been unplugged. For someone like me, who always used to be a bit of a "ladies man" this is certainly a shock to the system.
> 
> You know, I think I will just have to put my life plans and the military on hold till this is sorted, one way or the other. Travelling after university may just provide the stimulus to create a lasting-change. From a spiritual sense, this would definitely make sense. Like you say, visiting less priveleged areas really gives you a wake-up call.
> 
> It's comforting to know that I'm not a "nut-case" and there are other people out there who are going through similar experiences.
> 
> I wonder if this 'disorder' can suddenly switch off? If it came upon you and I so rapidly in extraordinary circumstances, who's to say that it can't disappear in a similar way? If medicine is struggling to provide us with answers, then holding onto the hope that you can wake up one day without feeling 'depersonalized' (and struggling with the depressive symptoms that accompany it) is really all we've got?


I have no idea whether it can go suddenly or not. It's very up and down. Sometimes I forget that my entire perception of reality is messed up, sometimes I feel like I have depression, sometimes not. Sometimes I forget that I'm in the place I'm in. Sometimes when someone says my name it's like I just remembered who I am.

This shit is so up and down it's a mind fuck beyond anything I've ever experienced. I wouldn't join the army if i were you man but that's just my gut feeling. That's going to tax your body and mind alot depending on what type of contingent your looking to join.


----------



## Martell2707

Hey Lostsoul,

mate, all i can say is that for the past 2 months i have been feeling very similar, full of completely illogical but completely involuntary dark thoughts. lots of feelings of over-analysing and deconstructing stuff that humans are supposed to naturally enjoy / find beautiful. my libido's gone. even the prettiest, most intelligent, nicest and most fun girl could start a conversation with me right now and i would not even be slightly interested. cute animals don't seem "cute" anymore, impressive and awe-inspiring sights just aren't awe-inspiring anymore, i don't feel impressed or inspired by music or art or comedy. i haven't picked up my ipod in 2 months. i either feel completely numb to all everything, or i over-analyse it and get really negative/depressing vibes from it. it may sound very vague, but i hope you can also empathize with the fact that these feelings are too difficult to just put into words.

i just wanna know how you're hanging in there, mate. if you've come up with any coping strategies and whatnot. i hope you're doing okay and that you can find at least a little bit of joy to have a nice christmas, just find something that you find yourself even SLIGHTLY enjoying and just indulge in it

take care,
Martell


----------



## Guest

This seems like a new trend these days among young people where if you are one of the wanted women, or you pose a threat of taking some of the wanted women, then you have become a target for drink and food spiking. Only a true sociopathic/psychopathic person could do such a thing, but it may seem that it is just survival of the fittest, and/or "get-any-edge-you-can-get"; more "regular" people are getting into these sickening, antisocial/criminal despicable acts. 
There seems to be somewhat of a difference in what a man would be drugged with as opposed to a woman. A woman would be drugged with a sedative, sleeping pills, hypnotics, deliriants, etc.: drugs that could eventually lead to sex, you would think. Men seem to attract a different type of Mickey Finn. Drugs used on men are those that would fuck you up on a long lasting scale such as large dose dissociatives (ex: PCP), large dose hallucinogens (ex: LSD), large dose RC chemicals (ex: 2c-b, DOB), large dose AAS/hormones (ex: Anabol), large dose newer semi-legal designers (ex: MVPV, mephedrone, "bath salts", spice), etc.
Good luck, guys. And be careful. [esp. considering that law enforcement is generally not on your side for this one; and these things are inherently hard-to-prove esp. if the drugs have made you psychotic and/or pseudo-delusional].


----------



## noname

Are u sure u have DP/DR ??? You don't speak about irreality, loss of personnality... DP isn't only loss of motivation/joy/zest for life... U remind me all these post at bluelight.ru where guys took some MDMA and feel fucked after...


----------

