# Turning into a bad person?



## becky (Jan 19, 2006)

Does anyone else here feel like they have turned into a horrible person? I feel so indifferent to things and people... i have lost all emotion (except for fear and sometimes anger) and i dont feel any connection or empathy for ppl. It terrifies me who I have turned into and i dont know WHY i am like this. I never use to be like this- i cared very much about ppl and i was very passionate about life. I have alot of anxiety (but not really panic attacks) and DP all day every day for the last two years. I hate being around people now and i find it a struggle to get through every single day. I hate living like this, but most of all i hate who I feel i have now become- a bad person. I just dont care about things and i feel like all i do is introspect and think about how *I* am feeling no matter how hard i try to think outwards... I dont want to be this person... I want to care again and feel emotion again and not be this detached and unempathetic person anymore!


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## HopeFloats (Dec 22, 2005)

I'm so sorry you feel this way  Do you go to therapy to try and sort all of this dp stuff out?


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## becky (Jan 19, 2006)

I have tried a few different therapists but their only advice was to try and focus on other things besides my feelings: like focus on work or shcool to try and relieve my anxiety or try 'relaxation' techniques but i my mental state is way past either of these two things working. I tried Celexa but it did little to relieve my anxiety or DP. I dont know why I have anxiety or DP... i literally woke-up with it one morning for no reason two years ago. Ther eis no family history or mental illness, i wanst under any stress (in fact I was very happy!), i dont ahve any chidlhood trauma... I feel i have just turned into this bad person now because i am not able to connect with my emotions... i cant FEEL anything for anyone... so i feel like this monster sometimes. How can someone go from being a happy and caring person to someone who cant feel anything for anyone in ONE NIGHT? I dont understand... I am thinking about going back to a psychiatrist to try diff. meds (i am no longer taking Clexa) but i had really wanted to beat this thing on my own I ahvnt found any of my therapists of psych. to be that helpful as of yet but i have heard of so many other ppl getting better from meds and medication so i guess i have to go back and try again!


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

shootingstar I know exacly what you are talking about, I feel that way all the time. I was actually thinking of putting up a post about homocide but I thought people would take that the wrong way. I have had very evil thoughts because of this illness and I think that I could probably kill someone with no problem, I would just use DP/DR to block everything out. This feeling is very disturbing for me because of my religion. I have the knowledge about God and his ways but I can't connect with my feelings and that makes me feel like he must hate me or something. I keep trying to do what is right but nothing works, my pain wont go away and I always feel like some kind of monster that should not even exist at all.


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

I hear you shootingstar. I just started a thread on this topic last week. I don't see any reason to think your a 'bad' person. You didn't say you commited any outrageous crimes or anything. Your dealing with your emotions and it's your perfect right to do that.

Dr Ross at rossinst.com and Jennifer Freyd in 'betrayal trauma' explain that thoughts of oneself as a 'bad' person and feelings of shame on that are symptoms of psychological trauma. This "Im bad, it was my fault'' thought process in the case of child abuse victims was even dramatized in a memorable scene from 'Goodwill Hunting.' btw-I don't recomend the type of therapy from that scene. Dr Ross calls the this thought process 'the locus of control.' It refers to the belief that something outside oneself determines ones goodness or badness. The healthy idea is that we are good in who we are, and it is healthy to know and recognize that. Dr Ross refers to the emotions component of self shame as 'attachment to the perpetrator.' Refering to a trauma victims unbalanced emotional orientation and dependence on the perpetrator or perpetrating event. His therapy focuses on these two core parts to enable the healing process of 'mourning the parents or help one never had.'

M


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

yea maybe i should fight in war or something.


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2006)

shootingstar said:


> I have tried a few different therapists but their only advice was to try and focus on other things besides my feelings


Yes. The reason they say this is that *if* your tending to be maintaining and prolonging a DP state by too much inward thinking (which the brain cant handle as its an unnatural thought process) i find that when i completely immerse myself in something i forget about the DP and i dont have it, the minute i think about it it all comes back. There is some truth in their "forget about it" idea. Actually, theres a great deal of truth there.


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## Guest (Jan 29, 2006)

I cant tell you how much i can relate to this thread. I feel like a bad person all the time. It started when i was sixteen, at first i felt bad because i was breaking away from my religion, then i just became incredibaly angry at everyone and everything. And even though i wanted to feel some remorse i didnt, and i hated myself for that. And to this day i feel numb, i feel like i cant feel anything for anybody at all. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me that i could do something awful like kill or hurt somebody and i wouldn't feel any guilt about it. 
I feel trapped every single day in this illness. I wake up with it i go to bed with it. It makes me isolate and its like no matter how hard i try it just doesnt feel right trying to socialize. For awhile i was afraid i would become like some serial killer or something, i thought i was this awful person. My emotions have been so f*ckd with over and repeatedly that its no wonder they have short circuited. I feel lost in a fog with this illness. I dont know what to do, nothing feels real. My words dont feel real my reality doesnt feel real, i just dont know waht to do. I am in therapy but I feel like that cant even touch this illness. I feel so hopeless and like everything i try just cant find a way out.


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## becky (Jan 19, 2006)

Well at least we know we are not alone... And I hear ya NikkiUK... I do agree that if I emerse myself in another activity I am able to forget the anxiety/DP until the moment I stop and think "How do I feel?"... then it all comes rushing back I know my counsellors and psych. hae given the best advice they can... but at this point i find it just isnt enough! I know i need something more in ADDITION to these techniques... maybe with the right medication the tech. or distraction and muscele relaxation would have more benefit? But this black hole I feel I am in is just too deep and too dark to simply be overcome with some talk therapy or extra curricular activities I hope the best for us all though! Cuase no matter how awful i feel i know this is not who i truely am.. so i wont stop fighting till i get the real me back. Its so important we all share as much info as we can in hopes we can help each other get out of this mess!!! I think we all need to join in freesongs efforts to get more public awarness about this problem and hopefully more reseach done on WHY this happens and how they can fix it!!! None of us deserve to feel this way..


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

No need to worry everybody. It's very common for anxiety/DP/depression sufferers to feel bad or evil. They often feel diseased, worthless, and think that the whole world views them this way. I hate to say it again but it's all in your head; moreover, as long as your friends and family members don't make comments about you being a "bad" person just try not to obsess over it.


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## HopeFloats (Dec 22, 2005)

shootingstar said:


> Well at least we know we are not alone... And I hear ya NikkiUK... I do agree that if I emerse myself in another activity I am able to forget the anxiety/DP until the moment I stop and think "How do I feel?"... then it all comes rushing back I know my counsellors and psych. hae given the best advice they can... but at this point i find it just isnt enough! I know i need something more in ADDITION to these techniques... maybe with the right medication the tech. or distraction and muscele relaxation would have more benefit? But this black hole I feel I am in is just too deep and too dark to simply be overcome with some talk therapy or extra curricular activities I hope the best for us all though! Cuase no matter how awful i feel i know this is not who i truely am.. so i wont stop fighting till i get the real me back. Its so important we all share as much info as we can in hopes we can help each other get out of this mess!!! I think we all need to join in freesongs efforts to get more public awarness about this problem and hopefully more reseach done on WHY this happens and how they can fix it!!! None of us deserve to feel this way..


shooting star, how about a more in depth type of therapy? like psychoanalysis?


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## walkingdead (Jan 28, 2006)

I used to be so spiritual and now have become a hardened skeptic. I do not believe in anything at all supernatural and now scoff at religion and anybody that believes in ghosts, psychics or anything not scientifically proven. I guess you have to have emotion to believe things like that. I really have no feeling towards anybody at all. I could do anything without conscience. I am still not sure I am dp but I feel like a sociopath.


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

The fact that you're concerend about your state of mind and perceived abililty to possibly take action without a conscience tells me that you do have a conscience. You're fine! Your mind is clouded, eclipsed if you will, and you're not thinking objectively....that's all.


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

Dreamland what you said makes sense but I still feel like I am possesed by this DP/DR sometimes. I feel like I am a good person but that my DP/DR is an eveil force that is trying to turn me into a serial killing psychopath. I feel my worst when I am doing my best and this makes me very sad. I have had to walk out on many meetings with the JW's because of my horrible DR/DP and I would cry all the way home. I keep feeling like God is telling me to get the hell out of his house and get away from his cleen people that I am only dirt and I don't belong there. I don't hear voices, these are just the thoughts in my head because of the DP/DR. I have tried to kill myself many times because of this, I feel like if I am evil then I don't want to live because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I have also prayed to God many times to kill me if he did not want me to become one of his people. I can't live as an evil man and so I keep asking God to either kill me or get rid of my DP/DR so I can start living normaly. I am not sure why he has not killed me yet.


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## becky (Jan 19, 2006)

Yes I feel the same.. by biggest fear is hurting other ppl (emotionally for me not pysically)... i just think i fmy life is ruined I dont want to ruin two ppl's lives... i feel so guilty that ppl ave to hang out with me... i am always negative and aloof and I cant give anything to anyone and i feel horrible when someone puts any effort in for me because I cant return it
 I wish I could ask ppl to just give up on me and move on... maybe I will never get better and this is just a waste of their time? i dont want my family and friends to be hurt anymore... i can tell they are all so confused and take my distance personally but its not their faults and there is nothing they can do to save me and i dont want to hurt them! I guess my duty is to try my best to get better for both mine and their sake... And just wondering HopeFloats what is psychoanalysis? What would this entail? I would be interested in exploaring it if it has found to be effective... thanks so much!!!


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

Ok...listen up here Lostone. Your thoughts are perfectly normal for someone suffering from anxiety/DP. Do some research and you'll see that unwanted, irrational thoughts are very comon. You're not alone! Everybody has thoughts about hurting someone occasionally but because most of us feel fine we know that it's just a thougt. In your situation--and many dp-anxiety-depressed people--your foundation has been pulled from underneath you so you feel constant fear, sickness, and insecurity, so when you get some of these unwanted thoughts you confuse the fact with how you constantly feel and any relation to this thought. Your ability to associate things mentally is a little off, that's all. Stop obsessing ...you're not going to hurt anyone!


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## Methusala (Dec 22, 2005)

Feeling Evil is a known and studied part of psychological trauma. It's explained in detail in 'Betrayal Trauma' by Jennifer Freyd. I have also often felt like a bad person despite the fact I have done nothing wrong. I would bet that no one posting today has done anything wrong either. One big way I would get confused about me being a 'bad' person is that I would interact with them, and then say to myself 'I just hurt this person somehow' when in reality it was a totaly average conversation and in no way did I hurt them.

I have found that there is no way to know what someone else is feeling or thinking if they don't tell you. I know different people who act exactely opposite to the same words. To one person 'Hi, F you' is a funny greeting that means they are buddies. To another that means they are a horrible person. On the other hand, I know someone who is put off by polite calm greetings, thinking that to be insincere.

Assuming no one here was a secret member of Hitler's SS or something, we aren't evil, we are simply hurting. Not only are we not evil, but I think it will be found that people are much more willing to help than thought. And it is a fact that reliable treatment for dissociation symptoms like DP is available: http://www.issd.org and immediate help is available 24/7 at 1-800-suicide Consider that resources in ones life are probably a signal from the big guy to do some healing work and feel better.

M


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

Thats helpful info you guys, this subject has been heavy on my mind all the time. I am very religious and feeling evil all the time makes life a living hell. I agree with everything you guys have said and I know I should stop condeming myself. My constant condeming of myself has actually caused me to do many bad things because I used to figure, oh well whats the diffrence I am doomed anyway and so is this evil world. Now I am realizing that my judgement of myself and of the world has been very clouded and I need to stop looking at myself as if I were not right or as if I were diffrent or insain or supersain. I just need to be me and live my life the best way I konw how to.

Thanks to dpselfhelp, I think I am finaly getting the information that I have needed for so many years. Now I just need to deal with my anxiety and fears, then I will be in control of my life once more  !


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## dorian (Mar 14, 2016)

What works well for me is just letting go of the idea of ever being a "good person" and just embracing the idea of being a bad person who does good things. It's a little counter-intuitive, but I guess for me the pressure of trying to meet the standards of "good" was just way too much to handle. By self-identifying as "bad" I could sidestep the internal argument about whether I was meeting those standards entirely. Of course I don't solve all the world's problems single-handedly: I'm a bad person, now what's for lunch?

I should probably throw in that I was raised Catholic. That seems relevant to this discussion lol.


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

dorian said:


> What works well for me is just letting go of the idea of ever being a "good person" and just embracing the idea of being a bad person who does good things. It's a little counter-intuitive, but I guess for me the pressure of trying to meet the standards of "good" was just way too much to handle. By self-identifying as "bad" I could sidestep the internal argument about whether I was meeting those standards entirely. Of course I don't solve all the world's problems single-handedly: I'm a bad person, now what's for lunch?
> 
> I should probably throw in that I was raised Catholic. That seems relevant to this discussion lol.


To say 'I'm a bad person' has shame written all over it. That's what shame is - thinking you're bad.

I'd encourage you to explore that. Shame, if left untouched will rule your world and that's not fair on you or others around you. You aren't a bad person, it just that you believe it. You can that that..


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## dorian (Mar 14, 2016)

Zed said:


> To say 'I'm a bad person' has shame written all over it. That's what shame is - thinking you're bad.
> 
> I'd encourage you to explore that. Shame, if left untouched will rule your world and that's not fair on you or others around you. You aren't a bad person, it just that you believe it. You can that that..


Shame is thinking that you're bad and feeling bad about it. Shamelessness is feeling okay with yourself regardless of how bad you are. I can choose to be shameless in my imperfection, or ashamed of how I fall short of an impossible standard. Between those two options, "I'm a bad person" is far and away the healthier one for me. I know it sounds weird, because most people would only say "I'm a bad person" if they thought they were incapable of doing good things, or if they were deserving of some bad fate for their lack of virtue, but that's just not where I'm coming at it from. I don't want to imply that this is the right way to manage the problem, just offering an example that works for me that I rarely see other people discussing as a possibility.


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