# Oh god...



## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

It's 6:23 in the morning. I've gotten up after a failed night of sleep. Every time I'd start to drift off I'd have a panic attack. My heart is still racing and I'm sweating. I fucking hate this feeling. I'm DP'ed out of my mind right now.
I'm going to get a psych evaluation at a community mental health clinic at noon today. I want some fucking meds right now. I just want it to stop.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

invisible.ink said:


> It's 6:23 in the morning. I've gotten up after a failed night of sleep. Every time I'd start to drift off I'd have a panic attack. My heart is still racing and I'm sweating. I flower* hate this feeling. I'm DP'ed out of my mind right now.
> I'm going to get a psych evaluation at a community mental health clinic at noon today. I want some flower* meds right now. I just want it to stop.


Clonazepan for panic, seriquil to sleep, SSRI - I take effexor - for depreion.
This turned me into a normal person - almost.
Good luck today.
I am pro pro pro medication.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

I'm going to ask for Zoloft to start out. That's what I was on before and it kept all of my issues (panic, depression, DP) under control (just kept the extreme DP away). If that doesn't help after awhile this time around I want to add Lamotrigine (sp?) to see if that helps with the DP. 
I honestly can't tell you if my DP is caused by my panic attacks or if my panic attacks are caused by my DP. :?


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## Guest (Dec 31, 2008)

Does this mean you were getting panic attacks whilst you were asleep? When I first heard of them (panic attacks which began when one was asleep) I couldn't imagine anything worse, but when I had my first one recently, I was so exhausted that I somehow managed to just ignore it (I realise that sounds highly unlikely, but it's true) that I fell back to sleep almost straight away.

Obviously I don't know, but if I had to guess, I'd say that the DP was a result of panic attacks and not the other way around. I base that purely on my own experience.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

invisible.ink said:


> I'm going to ask for Zoloft to start out. That's what I was on before and it kept all of my issues (panic, depression, DP) under control (just kept the extreme DP away). If that doesn't help after awhile this time around I want to add Lamotrigine (sp?) to see if that helps with the DP.
> I honestly can't tell you if my DP is caused by my panic attacks or if my panic attacks are caused by my DP. :?





> I honestly can't tell you if my DP is caused by my panic attacks or if my panic attacks are caused by my DP.


It seems that it can go both ways.
For me DP causes panic. Not any more.
I did not know that there could be something so horrible until I got DP and panic.
Some protection. 
No thanks.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Brain Candy said:


> Does this mean you were getting panic attacks whilst you were asleep? When I first heard of them (panic attacks which began when one was asleep) I couldn't imagine anything worse, but when I had my first one recently, I was so exhausted that I somehow managed to just ignore it (I realise that sounds highly unlikely, but it's true) that I fell back to sleep almost straight away.
> 
> Obviously I don't know, but if I had to guess, I'd say that the DP was a result of panic attacks and not the other way around. I base that purely on my own experience.


The worst panic situation that I ever had (and very nearly ended with me dead with scissors shoved into my eyes) started in my sleep.
I woke up and there it was and it went on for 2 weeks of hell.
It was the same panic that DP caused.
I think once you open that door it is difficult to shut and you can go through it because of stress.



> Obviously I don't know, but if I had to guess, I'd say that the DP was a result of panic attacks and not the other way around. I base that purely on my own experience


I have noticed that DR comes from panic a lot of times. Do you have DP or DR??


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## Guest (Dec 31, 2008)

Mark said:


> Do you have DP or DR??


Uh-huh. I've had it for over a month now. My first panic attack was a few years ago. They grew in frequency up until I was getting them every day. And then it was like I reached a certain point, and my body or my mind said, 'Eh, nuts to this malarkey' and the DP came down on me like some sort of godawful shroud. Of course, the DP was a temporary symptom of a panic attack before which used to abate when the panic attack did. But now it's almost constant.

Sorry to hear about the scissors thing - that sounds dreadful. I think I was lucky with my panic-attack-beginning-in-sleep. It's only happened once, but I take comfort in the fact that it was relatively easy to deal with.

Happy New Year.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

So you have DP not DR?


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Ugh. I still feel like absolute shit. If I didn't have this website I think I may have killed myself by now. Well, maybe not because I've got kids and I could never leave my kids but you know what I mean.


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## Guest (Dec 31, 2008)

Have you been diagnosed with Depression invisable ink? I am just asking because I know you have young children and severe DP,d can happen with post natal depression, that was what triggered mine when I had Dp,d. If zoloft helped you before it could be that you came off of it too soon.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

My DPD was triggered by post natal depression two years ago.


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## Guest (Dec 31, 2008)

invisible.ink said:


> My DPD was triggered by post natal depression two years ago.


OH.  :? . I really hope you feel better soon. I know how rough post natal depression and Dp,d is. The worst part for me was feeling disconnected from my own children.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Exactly. It's so difficult knowing I can't be there for them the way I should be when I feel like this.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Spirit said:


> Have you been diagnosed with Depression invisable ink? I am just asking because I know you have young children and severe DP,d can happen with post natal depression, that was what triggered mine when I had Dp,d. If zoloft helped you before it could be that you came off of it too soon.


I want to see you get better too.

Spirit has another good point.
Maybe if you are prone to depression the post natal verity might happen easily..
Just the stress of young kids!!

DPD and depression do not mix well at all.
We love you Invisible.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Thanks, Mark! 
DP is much easier to deal with when I'm not depressed. I didn't think I was depressed this time around but I'm starting to feel like I may be a little.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I'm a little curious about something... has anyone else had anxiety as a side effect of an antidepressant? I ask because this bout of DP/DR and anxiety started for me last weekend, I think on Saturday, if I had to pinpoint it. I'm pretty sure the DP/DR started before the anxiety, though, and it came on rather suddenly. I started taking Wellbutrin about 11 days ago when I felt myself sliding into a bit of depression (so that would put it about a week before the DP/DR started), and I know for a fact that antidepressants can cause nightmares as a temporary side effect, so I'm wondering if a combination of possible side effects from the antidepressant added to whatever stress I was already feeling to kick my anxiety back into gear. I've been on Wellbutrin before and had good results, which is why I requested it from my doctor this time, but when I was on it before, I had already been on Zoloft for a few months, and my doctor added the Wellbutrin to counteract one of the side effects from the Zoloft. Every other time I started an antidepressant in the past, I've already been in this full-blown state of panic and DP/DR, so I couldn't tell if my symptoms once starting the medication were from what was already there, or from the drug itself. I obsess over the cause of all this because I want so much to prevent it from happening in the future. Right now I'm single, and I'm in a safe place (I'm staying with my parents at the moment, and my mom has always been the person I've run to when I get scared), and I don't have much to worry about, but I get scared of this recurring when I'm back out on my own, maybe married and/or with children. I'm worried that it'll destroy my marriage because my future spouse won't understand what I'm going through, or that my future children will be neglected because I'm too anxious to take care of them and can't function. I've already had one relationship fail because of this (my ex was a pretty stoic person when it came to emotions, so he couldn't understand this at all), and I don't want to see it happen again. Invisible -- does your husband know about this? I only ask because those of us going through DP/DR and other anxiety issues seem to appear so "normal" on the outside, that often even those closest to us have no idea what we're going through, and a lot of us (myself included) tell next to no one because we're afraid they'll think we're nuts. If he knows, is he supportive about it?


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Yes, antidepressants can cause anxiety. The first few weeks of taking Lexapro and Zoloft (don't take either anymore) gave me panic attacks. It gets better once the drug reaches therapeutic levels in your brain after a few weeks. 
My husband knows. He is very supportive, even if he doesn't really understand what I'm going through. I recently ordered the movie Numb (it should be here by today) so we can watch it together. I'm hoping it will give him at least a glimpse of what I'm dealing with.
I can take care of my children it is just much more difficult with DP. There are some days where it is almost impossible and those are the days that I enlist the help of my mom or my husband if he's not at work.
I think if you're at the point where your relationship is serious enough to get married, your future spouse should know about all of your "issues". My husband married me knowing I was prone to depression and anxiety.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

That's really great -- I'm glad your family is so supportive of you. I think that makes all the difference in helping people get through this. My stepdad has suffered from a few bouts of anxiety, so when I tell him what I'm going through, he understands it, and I feel better knowing that he got through it, so I can, too. I've learned who I can confide in and who I can't -- I love my dad and my brother to pieces, but no matter how hard I try to explain this to them, they just don't get it. One of the worst episodes of DP/DR/anxiety/depression I went through was after I lost a pregnancy. It was unplanned, and I'd had such mixed feelings about it. The maternal instinct kicked in for me right away and I wanted to do whatever I could to love and protect this little person that was growing in me (this was my first, so I was blown away by the whole thing), and at the same time, I was terrified. After it ended, I fell apart. I think part of it was the guilt, feeling like I'd done something wrong, the grief of losing my child (despite the fact that it was barely a fetus at that point), and I think a lot of it was probably hormonal. My ex wasn't really reacting much at all (after all, this was his baby too) and I think that just made it worse for me. I didn't want to be the only one who loved and grieved over this baby. In the end I think that's what tore us apart. I was overreacting, and he was underreacting.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Men don't seem to bond with the baby in utero as quickly as woman do. It always took my husband until about the 7th or 8th month to really get interested in the pregnancy. So, I think it is somewhat normal (even though still painful) that your ex did not react.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

> I know for a fact that antidepressants can cause nightmares as a temporary side effect, so I'm wondering if a combination of possible side effects from the antidepressant added to whatever stress I was already feeling to kick my anxiety back into gear.


That sounds very reasonable.
When I started effexor I was nervous and a bit anxious.

It is just becoming so clear these days is that DP is bad but anxiety f-cks your life up and causes all of the damage.

Doctors are quick to fix depression. They think that the antidepressant will deal with the anxiety also - no way.
What we have is too serious to not be dealt with directly.

If you took clonazepam you might still be with the stoic boyfriend (is that a good thing?).
You would not be worrying so much.
I am starting to get pissed off.
It does not have to be this way.
Every person on this forum is a guinea pig.

Standard treatment should an anti-depressant and a benzo to get right to the anxiety before it grows.
They leave out the benzo and people hit rock bottom because of panic and then they get the benzo.
I am pissed off.
I am sick of it.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

invisible.ink said:


> Men don't seem to bond with the baby in utero as quickly as woman do. It always took my husband until about the 7th or 8th month to really get interested in the pregnancy. So, I think it is somewhat normal (even though still painful) that your ex did not react.


That is true.
It is not happening to you.
You want to bond but what is there to bond with?
The real super bonding happens at about 6 months to a year when the baby interacts with you.
Oh, it?s so much fun!!!!
I miss it.

That is my experience only.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

That's true, Mark. When our first child was born my husband wasn't too into spending time with him until he was at the crawling/interacting stage. It was much earlier with our second child though because I think he knew what to expect with a "little" baby. 
Plus, I think the transition from 1 child to 2 children is easier than the transition from no children to 1 child.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

> Doctors are quick to fix depression. They think that the antidepressant will deal with the anxiety also - no way.
> What we have is too serious to not be dealt with directly.
> 
> Standard treatment should an anti-depressant and a benzo to get right to the anxiety before it grows.
> They leave out the benzo and people hit rock bottom because of panic and then they get the benzo.


I agree with you on this. Most doctors (MD's, that is) see it mostly as a physical condition, because they were trained more to treat the body than the mind. Psychiatrists usually try to dig a little bit deeper. When I first went to my doctor a few weeks ago about what I thought was turning into depression, she gave me an antidepressant. What I need now is the clonazepam. I have an appointment with her tomorrow (seems forever away when you're dealing with this stuff), at which point I'm going to flat-out insist she give me the clonazepam. I'm also going to call my insurance company to try to find a psychiatrist or therapist of some kind to help me deal with the underlying problem. I see the meds mostly as a Band-Aid. They help manage the symptoms, but without really talking to someone about this, the wound is just going to rip open again. I'm debating on whether to keep taking the Wellbutrin. If it's not the cause of the problem, I certainly don't think it's helping any. Usually, though, in my experience, the side effects are temporary and subside once your brain gets used to the drug and your chemistry starts to balance itself out. I'm just hoping I can hold out until then.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

In a retrospective report of subjects with depersonalization disorder, the majority of benzodiazepine trials were reported to have led to slight or definite improvement.[8] Some individuals anecdotally benefit from *clonazepam in particular*. These drugs are not known to specifically affect the symptoms of dissociation; however, they do target the often co-morbid anxiety and stress experienced by those with DPD. To date no clinical trials have studied the effectiveness of benzodiazepines.

http://en.citizendium.org/wiki/Deperson ... n_disorder

Print this up and take it to your doctor to back up your demand.
I would literally be dead dead dead if I had not got clonazepam.

If they don't give it to you refuse to leave.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I'm a little leery of bringing a printout to my doctor -- most doctors are notorious for not liking to be told their business. My mom's coming with me to my appointment tomorrow (kind of sad that I'm 27 years old and I feel it necessary to bring my mommy with me to a doctor's appointment), and I get the feeling she'll kick up a fuss if the doctor refuses to give me what I want. The more I think about it, though, the more I figure that the DP/DR is a reaction to the anxiety, not the other way around, because as soon as the anxiety stops, so does the DP/DR. It's hard to tell, though, since it's a chicken-egg kind of thing. Although I'd be more inclined to say it's the anxiety -- I've been anxious my entire life, and the DP is not the only thing that brings it up. In the past, therapy and medication have always chased it away. One passage I read from "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes helped to calm me a bit:



> "...very few nervously ill people realize that their symptoms follow a well-known pattern shared by numerous sufferers like themselves... The pattern is so set that many nervously ill people have already experienced the worst their nerves can bring them, but they do not know this. Their body has brought so many frightening surprises in the past that they live in constant fear of what further surprise may yet be in store... They may fear the unknown more than the known, so they live anxiously, tensely wondering what will happen next. Their very anxiety determines that symptoms will continue to come, but whatever new symptoms may arise, they are always part of the same part of the same pattern of stress, still part of an expected pattern."


I can only hope that this means I've already been through the worst, and that even if it recurs, I'll be able to conquer it just as I did before.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

I'm a little leery of bringing a printout to my doctor -- most doctors are notorious for not liking to be told their business.

F-ch that sh-t.

He won't know what it is.
Your saving his ass.


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## Guest (Jan 1, 2009)

Mark said:


> So you have DP not DR?


Right. From the descriptions I've read of DP, that's what it sounds like I have.

Regarding the antidepressants-can-cause-anxiety thing. I'm presently coming off Mirtazapine because my doctor and I concluded that my increase in the number of panic attacks was a result of that medication. Ironically, some people take the damn drug to help alleviate their anxiety.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Brain Candy said:


> Mark said:
> 
> 
> > So you have DP not DR?
> ...


Ya. That is a bunch of crap - I just don't see them being that effective.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I could be mistaken, but I _think_ the idea behind antidepressants is to regulate whatever chemicals in the brain are imbalanced, whether there's too much or too little of something, kind of like how a Thermos keeps things both hot AND cold. Probably a bad analogy, but I digress. That's the only way I can figure that an antidepressant could possibly help anxiety.Then again, I still don't get why some of the most commonly prescribed anti-anxiety drugs (Buspar, Ativan, and Xanax) had little to no effect on me, when they seem to do wonders for most people. Along the same lines, I always wondered how a painkiller "knows" where it hurts... or does it just numb everything?


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## Jelly_Boo (Oct 14, 2008)

I get that EXACT same thing. Just as you're about to fall asleep, your heart lurches and races and you start sweating then you're completely awake again? The way I stop it is by having a drink of water and just relaxing. ^^
~katy


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