# Ayahuasca: The experience



## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Ok I have and experience with ayahuasca to share with you all from this forum, 
Who am I? 
I'm Amanda I'm 20 years old and have had DPD my entire life from what I can remember, I got it from Traumas and Stress, I'm a researcher on the field of neuroscience. I didn't use to do drugs except for alcohol or cigarettes.
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Before talking about it there are a few things to consider; taking ayahuasca isn't indicated for people with psychosis or schizophrenia, lack of research doesn't allow us to say anything about ayahuasca and DPD people. If you take recreational drugs you seem to be more likely to have bad trips from what I heard ( ihave no idea why), also ayahuasca has a kind of expelling anti-toxic substance, it gave me a nosarrhea from my sinusitis. If you decided to take it, be sure you are in the right conditions, doing with the specific plants, in a safe place, I have no personal experience from internet shopping on ayahuasca or anything I had it under a regulated and serious institution. 
Before taking it you must be at least 5 days sober from any kind of psychotropic drugs and you must have supervision during the process, people with heart problems and respiratory problems must be extra careful and be supervised

If you are in South America, don't do it in CEFLURIS they mix it with other drugs and probably will make you more depersonalized, "Work Shops" in Peru are suspicious (I heard some reports of ppl that got depersonalized/panicked for months), always do research and know where you are going before you decide doing it

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*Ayahuasca, what it is?*

Ayahuasca is a drink, has a specific preparation and is boiled for many hours, it's made of Banisteriopsis caapi and Psychotria viridis which are amazonian plants, it has a very bitter taste, strong smell and an opaque brown-ash color. 
The effects come in 20-30 minutes, some people don't feel it in the first time at all, if you are the kind that meditates etc you probably will be able to do it.

*
WHY I decided taking it?

*I decided taking it because after I did extensive research and analysed my own symptoms and the fact that I got my dpd from trauma and not from drugs and because of other beliefs I had about my physiology, from what I know it doesn't seem to work like common hallucinogens, as it doesn't literally make you see things, but more like a very vivid meditation, when I had it, I could return to consciousness then walk and just sit again a put myself back in the meditating state.

*How it was for me*- (_this part describes the experience I had, each experience will be unique to each person and each time will be different even for the same person so if you don't wanna read much can simply skip to the "afterwards"_).
_
​After I signed a document for the procedure with my personal info etc. made an interview, we meditate hear a little more on the procedure and history etc&#8230; there was music on with drums, at first you feel just nothing but the strong bad taste, then after 20 minutes it started for me. We take 2 cups of the mixture, and we close our eyes (this way is better) waiting for the dream like effect to come.

​First I didn't feel anything, I was thinking "when is it gonna start" and I realized you must let yourself simply go with the flow and let your emotions guide you, in the very beginning when I opened my eyes I felt really real but that lasted pretty short and my memories started feeling real to me, I felt some lights against a dark background but returned a few times and opened my eyes, then when it really started I felt like going through a tunnel of sensations in high speed, it was a light background where I could see some stuff with really bright colors and at the same time I felt invaded by a rush of happiness, everything becomes like one single sensation, you don't "see" things you feel them, so I felt colors and music and my body expanding into a one big mixture of sensations and got some insights, I was so happy and invaded by that feeling of love and I couldn't stop smiling and giggling because I didn't want to disturb people around, I got a really positive and pleasant experience thought my face and body where contracting a LOT, I wanted to stop but really couldn't, I was invaded by such incredible happiness because all the good things I knew about my own life now I could relate to as being with ME and could finally be happy about something, I mean REAL happiness no dpd happiness, also the numbness of my fingertips, toes and lips, nose (ie extremities of my body) disappeared! Often I touched myself and my own lips so I could be sure I was really smiling that much for the first time in my life i was really feelings something and couldn't stop touching my face, people thought I was suffering as everybody had a calm moment except for me, just couldn't stop moving.... because it was feeling really insane being invaded by reality feelings (in a positive way).

​I felt loved really loved and realized how things where already very good with my life, It looked like all that happiness was being blocked from me before, I couldn't simply enjoy the everything I had because it didn't seem to be mine, though the perception of my body changed during my experience I didn't feel disconnected like it is in DPD, and like I said I could stand up walk etc, and tho I still couldn't stop feeling happy and smiling it felt just like totally normal perception during my go to the toilet, the fun thing is that I wasn't seeing or thinking of anything fun I was simply happy ad feeling all this high speed thing and also felt connected with who I was before the worst stages of my DPD, and I realized that person isn't lost I had contact with that old material from my life and felt so much like "me" again !.

​After a time it started feeling less crazy and wonderful and just very insightful&#8230; when I felt like there was nothing else to be seen I got off and just sat and thought of what I felt and saw so I wouldn't forget. That, I can say was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen in life, I saw the most beautiful and lived the most beautiful and happy moment that day!
_

Since then, the Aftermath

​After the effects were gone I felt like pre-dp (like Mike said, thanks for the word) with my memories feeling more personal that feeling that yesterday did exist, the feeling that the good thing which happened had REALLY happened, indeed things felt more real! and I felt that I definitely should share it here, my intention by going there wasn't to have a cool trip with the drug, but the benefits I was hoping to get after math, in Brazil the drink is called "Daime" ( a junction of "dai + me" that means "give me"). The feeling I have is that definitely I walked away from the session with something on my hands and my heart.
​Since then I am calmer and more loving, I can relate to the people who are important to me much more than I could and I felt like my old self has returned, since I was always DPD for my entire life it is still strange when I'm assaulted with feelings of reality with my body and super real surroundings I can see the mess in the room and I am more conscious about me and the things around, now things look extra-cute I fell happier than I was already. My body feels stronger and my sinusitis also went away through my nose. In truth I really never felt like a normal person except for maybe for a split second during my entire life so that I can barely recall how it felt then, I feel better than these 3 last years when my dp seemed to have gone worse, I guess what I thought dp getting worse was actually derealization.
In the next morning when I woke up early and could relate, get in touch with myself, like I was when I was 13 (the time I felt less depersonalized I think), I woke up at 5:30 and looked at the sky and feeling the fresh wind it was beautiful, it felt like I was there I was present at that moment for real&#8230; after that I guess the way I feel has changed, but it's not the chemical in the mixture but the experiences and insights you get from it. 
*
​It's truth that depersonalization didn't completely disappear I'm still a bit depersonalized, I can't say how it's going to feel for any of you who might try it I just hope if you do, do it responsibly and with an open heart to the sensations that will come, I believe that for others maybe returning to their old self should be easier than for me, since I really never knew what it was like.*


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## Depersonal Eyes (Oct 10, 2011)

I'm glad this was such a positive experience for you! It sounds like you felt truly happy and that's an awesome thing. It's great to feel so connected with yourself and reality and your feelings. I appreciate the advice to truly research and know what you are getting into before you make any decisions regarding ayahuasca. You want to make sure everything is safe! Thanks for sharing, sounds like it was a great thing for you!


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Since it has maoi properties it should be two weeks off any other meds and certain foods, it can interact with suppliments and physical meds too. You also need to know how long it takes for this thing to get out of your system to go back on them. And remeber many psych meds have to be tappered down over several weeks to go off them. And be aware that going off and back on psych meds for some people they can be less efrctive going bck on them. I'd ute anyone to talk to a physician first and do it under vey close supervison of a dr or alternative medicine specialist who has used this before. I also think you should have a therapist available to process the experience. Substances are very individual, if you're sensitive to them…just use caution


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## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

This is awesome!! I hope the experience stays with you and has a lasting effect


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

kate_edwin said:


> Since it has maoi properties it should be two weeks off any other meds and certain foods, it can interact with suppliments and physical meds too. You also need to know how long it takes for this thing to get out of your system to go back on them. And remeber many psych meds have to be tappered down over several weeks to go off them. And be aware that going off and back on psych meds for some people they can be less efrctive going bck on them. I'd ute anyone to talk to a physician first and do it under vey close supervison of a dr or alternative medicine specialist who has used this before. I also think you should have a therapist available to process the experience. Substances are very individual, if you're sensitive to them&#8230;just use caution


Completely agreeing with Kate,

if you want to do it you must do it responsibly, I took all precautions and I decided doing it without talking to doctos because 1- I don't have one because I don't use any drugs or psych meds (for like years)

And from what I could know I am in the "safe" group, even this way I spoke and was also supervised by a Physiologist before, during and after it.

It affected my dpd in a positive way reducing it.

I will keep you updated in case something new happens, but right now every thing is ok







.

I believe there are also other ways of recovering, this is the way I'm trying and it is working well, there is a research boom happening at this moment on dpd. more and more info will reach us; I will also keep you updated if I find stuff online.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

…I wouldn't call it a boom yet


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## nuncle (Jan 5, 2011)

I got severe dp/dr 1.5 years in as a result of ayahuasca. It is not a magic bullet and can be dangerous. while im happy you had a great experience, i am testament to the fact that bad experiences do exist.


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Just and Update, 
Since I had Ayahuasca I had a time feeling really good, but I had then a big problem with my family so I had to leave home, Since then i felt really down, right now i'm recovering again and I feel like I'm slowly returning to the progress I achieved, on the previous thought somebody said he got DPD from ayahuasca.

I think you should always say;
which plants did you use,
how did you use
where did you get it from

Because there are some places that mix it with drugs, I think by doing it in a responsible way the chances of it resulting into something going wrong is much smaller.

I have had it a second time, which wasn't so amazing, but still I felt better after.

Im doing well so far, I hope my life gets more stable soon,

Besides that I heard that the MAOI in Ayahuasca is reversible and only affects one type, and even being a MAOI it shoudl only last for 2 weeks in case it would be permanent

Goodluck!


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## CameraEye (Dec 27, 2011)

Great story - I wish all the best for you. I had no experience with ayahuasca, but with something called hawaiian baby woodrose seeds. I have tried it while having dp. It was more of an lsd trip, but throughout the trip i was feeling this sensation of love and bliss and connection to the nature and earth. The trip didn't affect my dp, however, Now, when sometimes things look bad, i remember that senation and life seems to become a bit brighter. The thing i wanted to say is - whatever happens to you in life never forget that feeling. This feeling is not created by a drug - it is a real genuine sensation of pure love.

INFORMATION ABOUT AYAHUASCA

there is a documentray movie called stepping into the fire. It tells stories of people whose lifes were changed by trying ayahuasca - how they were healed from their problems and could improve their ways of living. One of those people decided to created a special center in the Peru called Shimbre, where people, living in community can benefit from the healing powers of ayahuasca under the supervision of experienced shamans. I am not sure, but apparently it is even for free - all made specifically to just help people in need.

The web page of this centre is http://shimbre.org
You can find information about the documentary on that website as well.
If you live close to south america, i think it is worth checking out.


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Update 3rd Time
My third time was really good and felt more or less like the First one,
Since it's about 4h hours of experiences, I will share here the most relevant.

I was shown many of my mistakes but it didn't feel unpleasant.

In the final last hours I might have stood about 5 minutes completely ecstatic I was invaded by bliss and pleasure and love while "feeling" golden and complex patterns in motion and I felt really happy and pleasant. Then I was caught by this feeling in my guts, I had a little plastic recipient on my lap and I vomited, it felt like I was throwing out lots of impurities and setting myself free from them, indeed I had felt quite bad all the week molested by my 
Stomach; always feeling full and upset and the antibiotics I was taking I had the feeling they were messing me up (I had finished them 4 days previous or more). When you puke you're called back to "reality" if you concentrate in "reality" you can return if you wish to go to the toilet or drink some water no walls will be moving or anything. Ok So i cleaned my mouth drank some water and sat again, and relaxed I laid my head back against the wall behind my chair and started breathing the incense smell the Ceremony Shaman light up. There was a mantra on the sound background, my hands had some slight tremor and my entire being was captured in a moment into the absolution of oblivion as I was becoming and watching an universe of colors and I just became heavenly bliss and this time stronger than previously. It seemed to last a long time and there was a time i thought " Oh I am going to die here... maybe I'm dead and I'm already in heaven this can't be on earth ..." and I took deep breaths as I felt my heart beat, it was veeerryy intense experience.

This was a very intense experience and even more than in the 1st time.

After this I felt like my DR was completely gone for 4 hours every time I woke up and going away steadily, for about 3 to 4 weeks, and I was definitely feeling better than in 5 or 6 years.

I had some (unrelated) personal problems with my work and university because of the political instability of my country at the moment. Now, well, the problems didn't disappear I fell while cleaning my house and hurt a tumor/cyst I didn't know I had, this granted me some days in pain, but I got some medical dispense so I stood at home, resting from the surgery I got (to help with the tumor thing) and now My DR seems to have disappeared completely for the last 2-3 days and some of the DP as well. I keep coming with new Insights, and it seems something in my mind was unleashed as I also notice that my memory is working very well again, I can see things in my mind like a clear movie like it used to be and I have had many memories coming up from my childhood and from times it used to be just a "dark screen" without memories, some of these memories are not pleasant but they definitely "add up" and as for the good memories it's good that they feel so "real".

I thought I was a far-gone person after having DP and DR for my entire life...

So don't lose hope there is always a way out;


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## Guest (Apr 30, 2012)

Nice story! I have the option of trying Ayahuasca soon, but I´m still in doubt of doing it because I feel on the edge all the time.


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

odysseus said:


> Nice story! I have the option of trying Ayahuasca soon, but I´m still in doubt of doing it because I feel on the edge all the time.



Odysseus,

It wasn't an easy choice for me either, I was really scared of never returning, I was also by the edge and almost losing contact with reality, I saw myself getting worse and worse and desperate. The people who had been in the Ayahuasca ceremony kept inviting me warmly as my life was getting worse and my head more confusing, so I gave myself one last try, and I actually didn't think it would work, some part of me hoped I would get worse and this I also realized during the ceremony and all my self destructive drives because I saw myself as unworthy, I'm still trying to shred these unhealthy drives away that a suffered life gave me, most of them are gone by now. 
I don't know what to say if you should rather try it or not, this is far beyond me.

But from my experience, it's not a hallucinogen (hallucinations are what psychotic people have, that is a break apart from reality) While i had ayahuasca I never lost contact with reality, and in fact I never had visual Hallucinations (with eye open) It's like some kind of overpowered meditation that you can trip a bit as your eyes are closed, but as you want to return you are able to, and the thing is about "feeling" is an experience of feeling (feeling colors, feeling images, feeling memories, thoughts etc) and I think it's what i needed as my feeling were so numb. which is a complete different thing from taking something that will induce some psychosis on you (mushrooms and lsd do something like this)

What i can also declare here, and I will be faithful to what I could reach is that from all the people I met in different ceremonies until now (many going through very difficult times and some with psychological problems) have always left the ceremonies with hope and feeling lighter, some very thoughtful or serious, some felt nothing, other a bit dizzy, but they always came back, people from all the ages and creeds, from 50's old protestant to 18 years old atheists and they have all had some benefit from it.

It's a very unique experience to each person, but if you choose to have face it with courage and let yourself go. From my own experience I never heard about anybody who felt sorry for doing it. and from what I hear from my Shaman, Marcelo, he said He never saw anyone get any health/mental problems from it as far as he knows.

I had my own mother take ayahuasca with me and she already had her 2nd time, (she was in both last ceremonies with me).

We might have a new ceremony soon and I will give updates here after each of them.

My DR and DP are basically gone for about 4th day and I feel really glad about it.

*By this I am not saying that Ayahuasca is the way out of DP, I think everybody need insights but you can have them in various ways, I'm a big believer and supporter of Psychological Treatment and living a healthy lifestyle. I decided to it because I'm my understanding Ayahuasca wasnt (chemically) dangerous to the brain and specially because I knew exactly where it was coming from besides not being mixed with "drugs" + all the information I had made me want to try it. All I can do here is to state my own experience. To everyone who wants to try it, please be aware of the safety and conditions of the place or person where/who you will have it from and try to study a little bit about the subject.*

All the best and I hope you find your own way


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## = n (Nov 17, 2004)

Thank you Amand L. for giving your account. I found it very interesting. I had been thinking of taking Ayahuasca but then i started to recover through something else; nevertheless i am still interested in this drug and its positive potential.


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## Cathal_08 (Apr 7, 2008)

Cool story, I can imagine how you feel on it, I think it could be illegal in my country though


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Short Update about 4th and 5th time, 
4th time,

After I had a surgery on my back, I was on a lot of different meds, and I decided not to write about the experience because I thought it would be influenced by medical interactions, 
But here we go;

On 4th time I started getting in quickly but soon I was very nauseate and couldn't focus, this time I didn't have so many nice visuals. But surely felt a lot of unpleasant things being revealed to me. After I had one more cup I threw up, and it was such a relief I had nice visuals and "trip" but it's really not that important. I think the most valid part is really getting in contact with the "hard" things your vigilant mind suppresses.
Same thing happened in the 5th time, I got to notice very sad things but knowing it set me free from it, DR has been off since the 4th time I took it. Now D is becoming weaker and weaker even though I am a bit anxious and stressed right now.

I'm trying to improve, it's been gradual and it's really good. Its life changing.


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## _-Chris-_ (Sep 20, 2012)

I had a very strange and frightening experience (non-drug related) when I was 14 that left me in a state where I no longer felt "real/present" and where things suddenly looked morbidly empty and lifeless. My world literally transformed over night. After two years of intense anxiety and depression following the onset of the condition, constantly complaining to my parents that "I don't feel like I'm here," I was finally taken to a psych and diagnosed with depersonalization disorder. 16 years later I am still trying to understand what happened.

So out of curiosity, a couple weeks ago I faxed my old psyche (in another state) with a request to send my medical records, hoping he still had them. Surprisingly, a few days later the records arrived at my house.

An excerpt:



> Psychological Evaluation
> 
> Date: 3/16/99
> 
> This 16 year old white male adolescent is seen for initial psychodiagnostic examination 1/26/99, with follow up testing protocol being completed on 3/15/99, following referral from the primary care clinic...the patient describes depersonalization-like episodes during which he feels detached from himself, feeling dazed and in a "dream-like" state with reduced responsiveness in relationship with others.


Here's a narrative that closely parallels my own experience with DP/DR and how it started - a passage from the biography "The Search for Philip K Dick" by Anne Dick, describing his high school years:



> "Dick Daniels convinced Phil to usher with him at the symphony. But Phil couldn't stand it and would never go again. Years later...Phil told me he had a terrible vertigo attack; something irreversible happened to his psyche when he was ushering at the symphony with Dick Daniels. He said that his being had sunk down into itself- from then on, it was as if he could only see out into the world with a periscope, as if he were in a submarine. He felt he had never recovered his ability to perceive the world directly."


So at this point in my life, having already tried various anti-depressants in my late teens with no success (but many side-effects), I think I'm ready to see what natural medicines like ayahuasca and iboga have to offer, which is why I posted here in this thread. I plan to visit Central/South America sometime soon, where these plants can be consumed legally under proper supervision and guidance.


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## Kestner (Feb 24, 2009)

_-Chris-_ said:


> So at this point in my life, having already tried various anti-depressants in my late teens with no success (but many side-effects), I think I'm ready to see what natural medicines like ayahuasca and iboga have to offer, which is why I posted here in this thread. I plan to visit Central/South America sometime soon, where these plants can be consumed legally under proper supervision and guidance.


Good luck Chris!!
May you find your way to the other side of the tunnel









I myself am thinking about trying Ayahuasca soon...


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## Mandy L. (May 24, 2010)

Hi guys,

I had my 7th Ayahuasca experience a month ago, it was really eyes-openning.

All I can say is that I'm very thankful that I found ayahuasca it was my salvation, my life has changed a lot, when last year, I took it for the first time I was at the bottom of my despair, I remember I had always been afraid of drugs but I decided to do that as a last option.

It gave me all the strength and the relaization I needed to change my life forever. Cure is a though process, of facingt he truth about things and about yourself, but it's completely worth it.

So I wish everybody here have good experiences and do it safely with responsible institutions.

There is a special institution I would recommend present in most big cities in Brazil being São Paulo the main one, where rituals are always happning due to the great demand. It's a nonprofit organization, you can choose what kind of ritual you would like to participate, it costs from 80-150 USD depending on the lenght of stay, (it includes accommodation, food and ayahuasca, some of these rituals are trainings to be a shaman and you are able to bring 12 liters of ayahuasca home.

http://www.ceunossasenhoradaconceicao.com.br/

If you need more details feel free to contact. I will be offline for the next few days because I will be travelling, but I almways come once in a while here to check.

Best of luck to you all


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## Saus (Aug 14, 2012)

I've had a few ayahuasca ceremonies myself, 5 before I got DP and 8 after I got it.

The second time (after DP), I wanted to do it to cure myself from DP. This did not happen. My DP was problem A and was what I wanted to fix. However, what I experienced was that ayahuasca didn't fix problem A, but rather B, C, D etc. I had my heart opened emotionally, I'm able to feel true love and give it. I'm more respectful of myself and others. I've learned to live in the present, not to dwell in the past or worry about the future (although this can be very hard at times...).

I think I handled it better the second time, even though I had DP, however it was mainly because I had previous experience with it. I kinda knew what to expect, and was able to tell myself that it was going to be OK, dont fight it and accept all.

I'm eternally grateful that I discovered ayahuasca at such a young age. Curing my DP will be my challenge, and I have accepted that. Being part of this community and watching videos on youtube has helped immensely, thank you dpselfhelp.com!

However, ayahuasca is not something you do for fun. You do it for healing and both personal and spiritual growth. And be mindful of where you decide do it. Seek out professionals, read about it on the internet and find the ayahuasca retreat / center that feels the most appealing to you! There is a good article about it national geographic's web page. Good luck to anyone who decides to go through with it. It can be extremely scary, but also VERY rewarding.

As for my DP; it didn't get any better nor worse, but I am very happy about the others things that get better


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## dedwards (Feb 18, 2013)

I've been depersonalized since I was 13 years old, when I smoked pot for the first time. It was an indescribably intense psychedelic mindfuck that left me with a feeling, deep in my gut, that I was somehow forever changed. Turns out to have been the case. I drifted away from myself and reality for a couple years, before my level of dissociation plateaued at about age 16. I'm 21 now, in college.

While I understand that looking for a quick fix for dp is unhelpful (because there isn't one), I was drawn to the idea of doing ayahusaca. After reading a fair amount about the substance, it seemed to me that it was somehow different from other psychedelics. It is viewed as a medicine, for its healing powers, and it seems to have the potential to strip away mental layers of bullshit and artifice-the ego, if you will-and get to a deeper, more spiritual experiential plane. My mother did it about a month ago, with a legit shaman who happens to live in the area, and found it a profound healing experience. She came to terms with childhood traumas and other emotional baggage, and she felt a connection with the divine that has stayed with her since; it was a very real healing experience.

Anyways, after researching ayahuasca, hearing my mother's experiences, and reading the accounts on this thread (the only place on the internet, incidentally, that has anything to say about depersonalization and ayahuasca), I decided (against the advice of a psychiatrist, who said I should avoid psychedelics at all costs), to actually drink some ayahuasca with said shaman.

I did this yesterday. I showed up at his place and we got right to it. The ayahuasca is of high and consistent potency, as it's all brewed by experts on the island of Maui for consumption by members of the Santo Damie church (who take the medicine as their religious sacrement in periodic rituals). I had previously met with the shaman, described my depersonalization and what I was looking for-to feel connected with myself and the rest of the world, to experience real emotions, etc.-and he mentioned that he has treated many people with similar experiences, and that I would need a strong dose to break through the strong barriers my mind has erected.

So, I drank two ounces of the stuff, which, for most people, would be plenty to cross what he referred to as the "threshold", a level of intoxication past which total ego-death is achieved. Half an hour later, I felt tingly and a little high (kind of like coming up on MDMA), but I was still very much "me" (or atleast the removed sense of self that constitutes my daily depersonalized experience). "You must have a very high tolerance," he said, and gave me another ounce to drink again. I did this five times, by the end of the evening consuming three or four times more than a typical strong dose.

I felt very disoriented, my thoughts were jumbled, the passage of time was a little bizarre, and, as all the drinks compounded in my empty gut (I having fasted for the past 24 hours), I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of unease, a kind of primal discomfort or anxiety, not directed at anything in particular. I was feeling all of these things, but I was still in my ego, or at least viewing my ego from afar in the way that I have since I've been depersonalized.

We talked, me and the shaman, about my life, and all sorts of things. Sometimes it was hard to form thoughts and complete sentences, but altogether it wasn't too different from a normal therapeutic discussion. The shaman was completely amazed that I was still able to hold a conversation after drinking so goddamned much ayahuasca. At the end of the four-hour-long session, he told me that I had a profoundly atypical reaction. He said that in his two decades of administering ayahuasca (to hundreds and hundreds of individuals), I'm the first person he's ever seen drink that much and not be "totally floored".

I asked what he thought it meant, and he said that I have a massive amount of inner strength, which resists the medicine more strongly than he's ever seen. This "inner strength" is what has erected such strong depersonalized barriers to my moment-to-moment experience of existence. He said he'd like to have another session with me, and to give me even more, but I'm hesitant because the experience was so profoundly uncomfortable. He wasn't quite sure why I experienced that sense of unease, but he thinks it means something, and wants to discuss it with me further. I've done mushrooms before and it was the same thing, jumbled thoughts, directionless anxiety.

Anyways, in conclusion, ayahuasca did not cure my depersonalization, nor did it make it any worse. What it did do is reaffirm the fact that I have extremely atypical reactions to psychedelics (which, obviously, caused me to depersonalize in the first place), and that I have some profound strength, deep down. My depersonalization has estranged me from this core, and it's sufficiently strong that neither ayahuasca-nor probably any other substance-will be able to hack away at the barriers it has put up. Rather, I have to work, day by day, with self-compassion, acceptance, through physical activities and creative projects, to reunite "me" (the observer me) with the inner strength that lies within.

It sounds like ayahuasca was very helpful for a couple people on this thread, so I'm hesitant to draw any grand conclusions about the interaction of ayahuasca with the depersonalized mind. I am interested, however, to hear about all of your reactions to psychedelics in general. Are they as atypical (and generally as uncomfortable) as mine?

Much love. I wish you all the best in your journeys.


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## peter_ (Nov 10, 2012)

Hi Mandy! where do you go for your ayahuasca ceremonies? I am interested in doing this. Thanks!


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## Chun_li (Aug 14, 2015)

Wow! This gave me so much hope. I hope to one day try this.


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