# Life is Overwhelming.



## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

I don't usually rant like this so, please, forgive me as I vent my anger.

I hate this.

The diagnoses, the therapy, the anxiety, the unreality - I'm sick of it all. I've been confused for years of my life because my identity has been shaped around nothing, I have no clue who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing. Everything is one big question mark; I play video games, but do I enjoy them? I hang out with my friends, but do I like them? I write things to people, but do I honestly care? It's not easy going day-to-day living in constant questioning and I'm sure many of you can attest to that, but it gets significantly more difficult for me when I'm suffering from an identity crisis that's been going on for years. Not to mention, apparently I have:


Neurotic Perfectionism.
Intrusive Thoughts / Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Manic Depression / Bipolar Disorder.
Schizoid Personality Disorder.
Avoidant Personality Disorder. 

Then you get to my emotions. I constantly question; are they fake? Are they just masking something more horrifying? Can I even fucking feel?


There's very few times that I legitimately laugh. Mostly it's just blowing more air out of my nostrils. 
There's very few times that I'm excited; and, even then, it's only when I'm going to win approval from someone.
There's very few times that I'm happy; most of it's anger and sadness. 
Speaking of sadness, am I even sad about any of this or am I secretly happy that I'm suffering? 

The only emotion that I can feel is anger, as it's the only emotion that has a distinct "taste". Rage, the knots in my stomach, the pulling of my hair - it's all very in-your-face and that's what I love about anger. There's no bouncing around it, if you're angry, you're angry. I get angry at my friends, I get angry at my girlfriend, I get angry at my life, I get angry at literally fucking everything. I'm sick and tired of being angry, I want to be someone who doesn't have a thousand damn problems and someone that's living his life to fullest instead of being some immature shut-in living day-to-day on League of Legends and flavored water.

My unreality is pouring back into me at an unfathomable rate. People are obscure and don't seem real, I constantly question if I'm present with myself or looking from another landscape - it's worse than it was when I first received Depersonalization and it's only getting more and more difficult with every coming day. There's hardly any time to relax, get a job, pump gas into my car, and smile for my fucking family as I act out that I'm okay! No, I'm not okay, I've never been okay.

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of this struggle, waking up every morning to be disappointed in myself. Why can't I just be happy? Even the tears that flow from my face seem fake and pushed out, as if to appease someone "watching" me. Crying seems like the most normal reaction to this, but all I feel is hollowed out - the crying just came because I wanted it to, not because it came by itself. Everything in my existence seems so damn artificial and it's the most aggravating thing I've ever experienced.

On top of that, I have to deal with my parents that continually tell me, every single day, "Get a job! You need one!" - oh, boy. I know I need one, father, but do you think you could give me a little god damn space so that I can clean up my terrible, terrible mental state first? Then most of my friends leave; my online friends barely talk to me and my two best friends from years ago just up and forgot about me. Not even a goodbye, so that's amazing. Then my ex-girlfriend's had to just screw me up more; first ex was a lesbian and lied for a solid 9 months about being "completely straight" and the other ex put me through so much anxiety I nearly shot myself.

I ask my current girlfriend if everything is going to be okay.

I ask my buddies if everything is going to be okay.

I ask community after community if everything is going to be okay.

"I'm sure you'll get through this!"

...but it just doesn't seem like it. It really doesn't seem like it. I feel like I'm way too far gone, my therapist telling me about a million and one fucking problems, the way the world is today, my parents destroying my self-esteem by constantly reiterating the "job" and tearing down my personal interests, everything that was distracting to me is now one big mess of "Am I doing this for fun or just the attention / achievement?" - and I just feel so god damn done with life right now. I fear that no one can help me and I fear that I'll lose my mind in these coming weeks.

I just don't understand. I put in so much effort to help others (in this community, in my family, my friends, my girlfriend) and I get stuck with the short end of the stick every single time. I put so much effort into pleasing others and helping others succeed, but I can't succeed myself. I'm so sad, I've always been sad and I just want one thing in my life to go right. I'm afraid too, I'm afraid that I don't care about what I'm writing and I'm following some script of "how I should act". I'm sick of this, I'm sick of all these thoughts. I can't stand feeling this way anymore.

I know I'll wake up in the morning feeling more level-headed, but I just wanted to vent this out. If someone could talk to me, either on this thread or through messages, that would be most appreciated (but only if you want to). I just want to know that I can get through this and that others have gone through the same thing. I want to know that I can get myself through this awful place I'm in. I feel lost and not in control.. ..and that makes me so depressed and anxious, I can barely function.

I'm heading to sleep now - hope everyone has a great night.

Cheers.


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## Guest (Sep 27, 2014)

You feel as if you fake it because you are depersonalized. You are real and your feelings for everything is real. It just doesn't seem in the right place, but it is!


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## Jurgen (Aug 3, 2013)

SolomonOrlando said:


> I don't usually rant like this so, please, forgive me as I vent my anger.
> 
> I hate this.
> 
> ...


I think the more you think there is something wrong with you and the more you believe there is something wrong with you all of the things you mentioned will follow.

Reality isn't all that bad.

I think what you're doing is concentrating on negative emotions.

You're being extremely hard on yourself.

Why? What have you done to feel the way you feel? Why are you carrying so much baggage?


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

It's hard to giev out advice when I feel the same way at times, but Im glad you're not afraid to admit these feelings


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## Hero (Sep 11, 2013)

I sent you a message on here.


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## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who commented, I feel a lot better now. Some kinks in my rope that I'll have to fix out, but everything can be done in time!


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## Pyrite (Mar 25, 2014)

I felt like this for a while, and the way I got out of it was making improvements step-by-step.

You need to find one thing, no matter how small it is, that makes things better and easier.

Then find another, and another.

I feel like your overwhelming your self by clumping all of these problems together.

Focus on finding one solution at a time, they'll add up.

One of the most important decisions I ever made was to start meeting people from online who shared similar "Interests" as I do.

That gave me leverage and happyness I needed to start working on other problems.

Try doing something you've always been afraid to do or just never got around to, do something out of the ordinary.

I read an amazing article, and it said that no matter how much you love something, if you do it over and over again it will get dull. Humans are built to go on autopilot when performing a familiar task..


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