# Me to a 'T'



## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Imagine the scene. It's 2:45pm last sunny sunday afternoon just gone. There was me, having a nice afternoon watching Manchester United destroy Newcastle United, drinking 7.5% cider (see meths), then suddenly I decide it'll be a good idea to take an entire packet of anti-psychotic medication I was given years ago but never took, go for a walk, and see what happens. Now please bear in mind I've living with my parents who are constantly worried about my mental state, and you'll come to the same conclusion that I did......T.W.A.T.

Cut to 3am(ish) Monday morning, and find myself huddled under a tree in a field somewhere, pissing down with rain, one step from hypothermina, barely able to focus, wracked with pins and needles, strange colours and shapes floating in front of my eyes.....anyway...you get the drift. After two hours of stumbling around (I could hardly walk - and I had a terrific pain in my lower back - kidneys probably) to make the 3 minute walk home. Slumped into my bed, at 5:05 (I remember the time, because it was the first time my eyes focused), unable to think let alone sleep, counting down the seconds till my liver packed in or I had to get up for work, whichever was sooner. The amount of shit I've poured into my liver I'm continually astonished I'm still alive.

There you go. This isn't a one off. I've done it before. There was no suicidal intention....I just.....well....did it. WTF ? You can imagine the distress it caused my poor mother.

Grow up Martin, for christs sake.


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## Guest (Apr 20, 2005)

Weren't you scared?

I haven't got the bottle to try drugs, I'm screwed up enough as it is.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Martin, 
Your lucky you didnt get a case of tardive dyskinesia. Really, you've got to stop abusing your body. Yours must have alot of strength in reserve, but save it for when your older, when you'll need it. When older(er) age comes knocking in about 15-20 years, you wont be able to take that kind of abuse, and old wounds or mistakes might start haunting your body. Just take it easier on yourself - I'm sure your parents are thinking the same thing! Do it for you, not your parents. You need to get out of this self-destructive pattern. Go to a counselor, find meaning in taking care of others, find spirtuality (Martin rolls his eyes and begins seething odd venomous liquid). There's some sort of hole in your life that needs filled. Something that helps me is looking out for others or helping out in a volunteer capacity. There's nothing like being needed by others and being lost in the self-forgetfulness it creates. Hedonism does have its limits.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Mr Mole - I was terrified...well, I would have been, had my brain not been zombified to the extreme. It was terrible.



> [Your lucky you didnt get a case of tardive dyskinesia. Really, you've got to stop abusing your body. Yours must have alot of strength in reserve


Yeah, I know. I was in a right mess I tell you. I've done this three times....twice on the bent on suicide, and both times I've come out without so much as a rash. Time isn' going to be on my side much longer...I know.

And yes, you're right Homeskooled, I do have a void in my life. I know it, you know it, my parents know, everyone knows it - it's just I don't know what it is that is needed to fill it (don't mention the 'R' word!)

Sigh. I dunno. I'm a successfull man, leading a fairly charmed life, but something inside me is desperately wrong. Desperately wrong. I'm not even DR/DP'd... But no religious connotations please, give me that one credit. I am unable to kid myself, unable to fool myself.....spirituality doesn't exist me for. Trust me, I wish it were true, I really do,....but as sure as eggs are eggs, I know it to be false. Maybe I should get hypnotised into believeing. Isn't that's what's happened to you, one way or another..? :wink:

You know, as much as people hate to think, some questions don't have answers. Maybe I am just as I am. I can live with that, until some miracle or theraputic enlightenment comes along. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm open to opinions. I'm not that 'close-minded', at least. I definately (stating the obvious) need to change my thinking somehow...somehow....but hey, still, I live. And you're right again (note the date and time !), hedonism does have it's limits. I tell you something though....and this is the truth...if my parents hadn't been alive for the past 10 tens I would....WOULD...be dead my now. In a gutter soaked in absinthe most likely. I yearn for the day I get a non-painfull terminal illness....whoa....then I would let loose. What does that say about me ?

But anyway, I got laid last night !! :lol: All good things....etc


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## Guest (Apr 20, 2005)

Martinelv said:


> Mr Mole - I was terrified...well, I would have been, had my brain not been zombified to the extreme. It was terrible.


What was it like? Don't answer if you don't want to. Drug induced states fascinate me that's all. Got someone at work convinced I want him to get me cocaine and LSD, because I was talking to him about his experiences so much. :lol:


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Martin, 
Dont worry....I wont mention the R word. Too much. You know, its all about relationships Martin. The whole ballgame. The psychoanalytic approach, the humanitarian approach, the religious approach ( a relationship with the Man Upstairs). And even that Relationship boils down to having good relationships with people. Without meaningful relationships in our life, our lives ARE meaningless. We're alive, but we get that feeling that we are dying on the vine. In that respect, family is important. Honestly, I think fatherhood must be one of the most fulfilling callings on the planet. But even with Religion, Martin, you need to have meaningful human relationships. I've often thought that if I dont start a family of my own, I might join a religious community. The feeling of family and belonging is very peaceful and fulfilling in a religious community. Not to get too personal, since I dont know your situation, but since you've already started a family, maybe you should try reconciliation with your wife. Lastly, you do seem to have some rage in you, which I used to have with my DP. It was always accompanied by an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, which Wendy has referred to before. In all honesty, you might benefit from a mild anticonvulsant. I tend to think that those kind of unexplained emotional symptoms are biological. For more on that, you might want to read Dr. Daniel Amen's Change your Brain Change your Life. Good luck Martin, your in my prayers.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

You kinda remind me of myself, though even I wouldn't go so far as to take a whole pack of antipsycotics.

As for filling the void, I'm really not sure what to suggest - I'm working on that one myself.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

Well my life is devoid of any relationships save that of my family. I suppose thats what allows me to live, knowing that I'll always have a supportive family. I'm close with them, but not exactly emotionally close if you know what I mean. Its strange that I'm also not DPed, I'm not extremly depressed, and my anxiety is usually tolerable. Yet I still feel as if my life is bound to go down the crapper one day in the future. And I feel as if there is no meaning and that I'm here to exist until my body begins to break down and I die. So in the end its sort of this confusing and apathetic state I exist in, not suicidal at all. I just keep on going because I'm a robot and I'm programmed to do so.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Dear Martin,
I have no clue why you're so self-destructive. Very sad. I really do like you, you old sod, you pot-plant! 8)

Folks here have made some very good points.

For the love of God man, please find some help.

L,
D


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## Guest (Apr 20, 2005)

he won't get help, because he hates himself too much. (his high standards are his last ace in the hole)

and i say that with AFFECTION, Martin (yet it's true)

Love you, my friend, and it will indeed be a terrible shame if you keep going in that direction,
Janine


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Maybe stop searching for the things you are 'missing'. You may not need them. Maybe something else can fill that gap. Maybe you just don't need to fill a round hole with a round peg. Dp insists that you follow that route but the answer lies elsewhere. There is something that preoccupies your every waking moment that needn't but you don't know how pointless it is until actually let it go.

I hate this cryptic stuff but I've no other way of getting across what I mean


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

i've noticed that people who hate themselves and think a LOT about themselves are usually one and the same...


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

you know i really hate it when people pull this shit

i dated a guy who got fucked up on pills and decided to slit his wrist wide open because he messed up his car trying to drive home

and would tell me things like "you know i felt like killing myself when [losing his gameboy, etc]" when i didn't show enough attention to his minor concern (because i was mad about other, more urgent issues about what he did to hurt ME)

if you keep doing this stuff, the only people you'll attract are the kind of people who are either a) destructive themselves or b) want to "fix" you. and then you will think life is meaningless because these are the only people you see in this world. you will get sick of the advice and such...because oh boy everyone is trying to "fix" you! well you set yourself up for that situation to happen.

EDIT: I'm really glad you're the most hardcore person on here with the best answers and the hardest life and the most pain that has to be managed in such extreme ways that we mere mortals could never understand and that you've been to some punk rock "point of no return" that we're just not increcible enough to have experienced ourselves. I'm really glad you're all that because it would be WAY too much out of my day or anyone else's to have to fill that position.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

(Excuse my spelling and grammar everyone - I see that evil has raised it's head again, but I'm in a rush and it's so cold here that my fingers have frozen)

Person2 -



> i've noticed that people who hate themselves and think a LOT about themselves are usually one and the same...


Here we go. Yes, you're right, on the surface I think I'm magnificent. I'm reasonably intelligent, educated, no probs with friends or women (superficially at least), can be witty, great jobs, fairly good looking...so yeah, on the surface I DO think I'm pretty great. And if that comes across as arrogance then tough. I'm also fairly proud that I defeated (and I don't know how) DR and my liver can withstand most poisons - whether that is good or not I don't know. But I'm not an attention seeker...I don't think. I like to play to a crowd, sure, but I rarely come on here and moan about how fucking miserable I am...so I'm not even going to justify my original post. But I understand your point. I don't consider myself the wrist-slashing type...just to get attention. Each time I've tried to top myself, I really really meant it. And nobody, except my ex-wife, knew about it. I just wasn't aware that my liver can take such a pounding. Suicide wasn't the intention this time, and nobody (except this board) knows about it either.

And again, you're right - as is Janine, I do hate myself. It's not a conscious hatred, most of the time, except when I'm blatently cruel or stupid, but I'm riddled with guilt, shame, and yes - deep burning anger, rage even....but at what....I truely do not know. I suppose I could point to my parents splitting up when I was 10, but hey, not exactly earth shattering is it ? I could point to the fact that I regret boiling my brains with drugs....who knows. As Dreamer and Janine know, I am loathe towards therapy...because of pride or I think I know better ? Possibly. The fact that I might uncover something hideous in my unconscious...well, maybe. It seems that only route left. Do you know what would be even more terrifying ? Finding that I do not have any hidden demons. Then I'd have to face up to myself......

I've always tended to agree with what G-FUNK said...in a slightly different way. That maybe there aren't answers....there is no void to fill.

Homeskooled - thanks for your kind words. I really don't hate my ex-wife...I resent her, sure, but I don't hate her. And believe me, it's easy for me to hate people.

And finally:



> EDIT: I'm really glad you're the most hardcore person on here with the best answers and the hardest life and the most pain that has to be managed in such extreme ways that we mere mortals could never understand and that you've been to some punk rock "point of no return" that we're just not increcible enough to have experienced ourselves. I'm really glad you're all that because it would be WAY too much out of my day or anyone else's to have to fill that position.


Utter bullshit. Compared to the vast majority of people on this board, not to mention life in general, I haven't suffered at all, and I don't pretend to. Either you choose not to read it, but I repeat this time after time after time. I don't have DR, I don't have DP or any other major psychological problem (not for the wont of trying I might add), I don't (normally) have depression, I have a loving family, I have a roof over my head, I had great jobs (anyone flown upper class to LA for a one day conference ?), I have great friends, I've never been homeless, I've never had to sell myself on the streets, I've never had a drug 'problem'...so if I give you the impression that I'm some tortured soul who's had the most horrific life then you're greatly mistaken. I'm not 'hardcore' either, whatever that means...I'm a fucking wimp. Or perhaps you think that I posted this topic to show how 'hard' my liver is ? That's I'm proud of my actions ? That I'm proud about all the stupid things I do that hurt the people around me ? That I'm proud to boast on a forum full of strangers who don't really know me from a pasty faced loser who gets a thrill out of such things ? Sorry again if that's your impression. I'm losing the will to live again. If you've seen the wreckage I've caused to people I love, then you might think again. But fuck, why do I have to constantly justify myself ?

I've said this again and again and again...just because I got rid of DR doesn't make me someone with iron willpower....jesus...not at all. My recklessness can testify to that. With regards to my DR/DP...I think I was just lucky. Lucky that my brain chemistry isn't prone to getting stuck in the DP cycle. Lucky lucky lucky. Poor litte me. Or is hard little me ? I'm not sure anymore.

I understand that it can make people angry that I'm fucking up a great life.....but believe me, you're not alone in that.


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## Scattered (Mar 8, 2005)

Not to start some sort of flame war here. Its just that I get the impression that person has some sort of resentment toward people like martine. The reason why I dont is because I tend to understand these things as an intrinsic part of who we are. Sure, we're responsible for our actions. However, it also has to be undertsood that alot of different experiences, thoughts, doubts, fears, have taken hold over the period of many years to form us.

If you really completely despise these types of posts, and I get the distinct impression that you do, then avoid them and please refrain from telling us how pointless our meanderings, ruminations, and opinions are. You have a right to disagree it just gets annoying when you bring you're own personal baggage and experience with people into it and try to take it out on others.

EDIT: I don't think Martine, myself, or any other that voices his fears and frustrations has a reason to apologize. This is what it is to be human undergoing some sort of turmoil or confusion. Just understand it for what it is.


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## Guest (Apr 21, 2005)

Guys, what's the problem?

It's not like he came on saying 'Woe is me, etc, etc'.

Then, I'd think he was some sort of idiot. But all he did was post an experience.

Not worth arguing over.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I tend to rub people up the wrong way. It happens a lot. People either worship the ground I walk on (numbers diminishing rapidly) or curse the day my fathers sperm met my mothers egg. There is very rarely any middle-ground.

Sometimes, I actually give a shit.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

hi martin
just catching up on the forum...as a mate you are obviously doing this for a reason and you need to find out the reason,i dont believe you were just trying it out to see what happens....my booze journeys i have managed to identify as a way of covering up my anger,anxiety,resentment with the way my life has gone...

try and find out why your doing this because your going to end up killing yourself my mate

all the best

jc


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