# Been feeling strange..



## Pheer (May 18, 2016)

Hi guys, I'm new here and I'm not sure if I have DP but I have no idea how else to justify this.

I am 18 years old and I have a friend who drinks quite a bit, but I really don't. One day we decided to hand out, and I slept over his house and we got drunk (we didn't drink that much) and I had never really gotten drunk before, and I regret doing this.

The next day I didn't have any symptoms of a classical hangover (headache, sensitivity to sounds, etc) but I just felt off and disconnected from myself. I felt like my head was full of cotton and I just felt like I was half awake and half asleep. I figured it was my first hangover so I must've just had some out of the ordinary symptoms but it was nothing to worry about. I got concerned when for the next few days it persisted, and I felt like I wasn't completely "present" if that makes any sense. I felt like my field of view was decreased, like a sort of tunnel vision, and like I was seeing myself do things like a movie.

I have always considered myself to be a rational person, I don't believe in the supernatural, stuff like that, and I've always had some mild interest in consciousness, and the idea of free will, but I always entertained this idea as a sort of detached academic/playful idea without any real consideration for its effect on my life. However lately I've found that it's not only been bothering me, but that things like the "hard problem of consciousness" and free will have become an obsession of mine that I can't seem to escape. Instead of playing videogames I find that a lot of my time is now spent looking up questions on quora and searching for any possible scientific basis for the existence of free will. I've always been ok with the idea that consciousness arises from physical brain activity, but lately I've been trying to find evidence against this idea, searching for any sort of logical justifications for substance dualism that don't involve religion.

However I've also found that this sort of obsessive thinking just leads me down a rabbit hole where I just end up feeling quite frankly scared. I feel extremely hyper aware of myself and considering the nature of the universe and how the mind works has been a persistent thought process that has stopped me from enjoying the things that used to give me joy.

Thinking about the brain as a mechanistic system makes me feel like I shouldn't take credit for anything I do. I'll be in gym class in table-tennis competitions, which I'm very good at, and then I'll just start going through the thought process of..

"Ok, I'm genetically predisposed to have the level of skill I have now, and even that which isn't based in genetics is a result of an environment over which I have no control, and any sort of practice was ultimately the result of other events over which I have no real control"

eventually I begin to doubt the existence of the self in its entirety. Remember how I said I thought I was rational? My research always takes me to neuroscience, a field ,although new, I consider logical, and the nonscientific conclusions are always that free will is an illusion, self is a construct of the brain, etc. Basically, these people study and research this, but it doesn't bother them because the idea of the self being illusory is not a constant reality to them.

I've tried to find comfort and justifications and accounts of DMT and ayahuasca as evidence of the brain not producing consciousness, but at the end of the day I always put my trust in hard science, which unfortunately, in its current state where materialism and reductionism are the only truths, doesn't give me much comfort.

There are times when I feel ok, and I think this whole thing might just be stress from going into college and stuff like that, but I always find ways in which I think I have no control.


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## DPSurvivor24 (May 18, 2016)

I totally understand everything you've described.. I went through this 9 years ago and I've never relapsed, so this will pass. 
I had the same philosophical obsessive thoughts 24/7. It got to the point where I couldn't function normally because I didn't believe I was me. I was prescribed numerous medications and actually did find one that worked for me. I needed it at the time but it seems like you're smart enough to get a grasp on it without needing any medication. Plus it sounds like this is recent so it will pass. If you feel like the obsessions are growing then seeking medical treatment would be helpful. 
I was very against it at first but then I realized it's a disorder just like any other. If there is a shortage of a certain chemical in your brain, then it needs to be replaced. Just like diabetics need insulin shots. 
Just want you to know that this will pass. I know it can seem scary but I am proof that as bad as it can get, it's curable


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

Thinking about thinking and feeling strange with our own thought processes is part of dp. This is my main symptom. Go check my previous posts and see if it rings a bell: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/53081-feeling-like-i-will-forget-myself-and-how-to-live/#entry365305, <a> http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/50793-feeling-weird-about-thoughtsmind/#entry353569</a>


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## Pheer (May 18, 2016)

The worst is that the more I think about it the more I feel like these thoughts are rationalized.

As I keep thinking about the brain and how it produces the "self" and consciousness I realize that it's completely an illusion and that none of my choices are mine because they are just chemical reactions. There isn't even a "me"

Then I think to myself that the very fact that this condition exists, where I feel like I'm not real, it just proves even more that everything I view myself to be is a construct of the brain, and a sick joke.


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