# Lsd made it all worse



## kitsune66 (Nov 13, 2014)

I just recently came across the term depersonalization when googling my symptoms. I know I've had this since I was very young. There would be days when I would go to school feeling as if I was dreaming. I felt like my head was in the clouds and I remember telling my best friend on one occasion and she laughed and told me I was weird. I felt embarrassed for even trying to explain to someone on how I felt. My dpd was never severe until now. I feel incredibly helpless. I ask myself everyday why me? I think I know the cause of why my dpd is getting worse. In June, I attended the Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas which for those who don't know, Its a really big rave. I came across a guy who had the longest dreads and he just looked like a straight up hippie. Anyways I overheard him talking to this couple next to me and he was offering the guy some lsd. I being so stupid asked him If i could get some and he agreed and gave me a small square paper just like that. This was my first time doing acid so i was pretty excited. I had taken psychedelic mushrooms before so i thought the effects would be similar. Little did I know what acid was capable of. I had taken a dose of mdma an hour before I took the acid and an hour passed by and I didn't feel anything at all. I thought maybe this hippie guy was a fake and he was probably pretending to hand out real acid. My friends and I were all dancing and some of the guys in our group started to smoke weed and I ended up smoking too and i remember inhaling it really hard and I started to feel very light headed. I felt as if everything slowed down. The visuals on stage had also slowed down. It was really weird. I felt stuck in my head and I felt like an observer. I started to panic in my head, I didn't like this feeling. I wanted it to go away and I didn't want my friends to know that I was freaking out. I also started to get extremely paranoid. I felt like I was disappearing and I kept looking over at two of my friends because I had the feeling like they were talking about me. I felt scared and alone. I sat down on the floor and tried to keep cool but nothing was working. One of the guys in our group came over and asked me if i was okay and I told him No. I told him I was freaking out and he saw the panic in eyes. He asked me if i wanted to leave and I said yes!! I felt relieved but things were getting much worse. Everything around me was disappearing and I didn't know what was going on. I kept trying to make sense of things but i couldnt. I started to forget who I was and where I was. I was seeing everything through a tunnel like i was somewhere outside of my mind and body and I was stuck in the most horrifying thought loop. Everything literally looked like it was going in a infinite loop. The music was making everything worse. Trap music was playing so you can imagine how harsh that music can be especially when its being blasted over thousands of people. And the visuals on stage were killing me. Its hard for me to explain in words of what i was seeing. I felt like i was the only consciousness and nothing was real. That life and reality was just an illusion. I felt like I was God and this terrified me. I was so stuck in head and my existence scared the fuck out of me. I thought I was going to stay this way forever and that I would end up like those crazy homeless people that are out of their minds. I even forgot how to breathe and what breathing even was. At this point, I was on my friends back because I could not walk in the state that I was in. My other guy friend was telling everyone in our group that they needed to get me away from the music which was true I knew I needed to leave to get far far away from the music as possible which meant leaving the rave. I forgot how to talk and I felt like I was loosing my grip on reality. All the guys in the group took turns carrying my pathetic ass out of the rave. They rushed me out as quick as they could and for that I owe them my life. We all got back to the hotel and I was very disoriented, I felt sick to my stomach and I felt incredibly weird. The visuals and the horrifying thought loop I was in was gone. I could not sleep and I was very cold and hot at the same time. When i got undressed to take a shower and I looked in the mirror I did not recognize myself. I felt like a creature almost like some type of lizard thing. I was scared. I proceed to take a shower and when I got in there all i could think was, "How long have I've been doing this!?" I felt like I was loosing my mind. The next morning I still felt weird. I felt traumatized by the whole experience. And still today that experience haunts me. It really messed me up good. I feel so stupid for taking acid at a rave or for having taken it at all! I haven't been the same person. And everyday week things seem to get worse. I did psychedelic shrooms about two months ago and that didn't go so well as the first time I did them before my acid trip. My horrifying acid trip got dragged into that trip and I had a serious panic attack. So I can no longer shroom because of that matter. Im sitting here writing this out because I've never shared my experience with others. I need help, I don't want to be prescribed pills. I dont know where to turn so Im trying this forum out. People don't seem to understand me when I tell them how I feel. Its impossible for someone without dpd to understand what it is that you're going through. My anxiety + dpd is really taking a toll on my life right now.


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## Praise the Dawning (Nov 10, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear about this. Drugs are definitely the main cause of DPD so you are not alone.

Just remember, you can deal with this feeling by just lifting yourself out with positivity. I know that it is hard, but fuck, it's so worth it.


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## Guest (Nov 16, 2014)

Youve been dealing with this for quite some time and for that im sorry. Seems like we made one mistake to take drugs one time and bam, cursed for life. Don't look at it that way though. Praise is right, positivity will help how you feel. Being negative will only drag you deeper, trust me I know how hard it is to see the good things in life while having this looming over you but they are there. I hope you can gain some feedback and support from the site, welcome.


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## Emillie (Mar 13, 2012)

I did LSD too, a few months ago. I was dissociated, still am. The permanent effect I got from it was that it made me way more emotional than I was before, and more aware of my emotions... Which is annoying. But the actual 8 hour experience was horrible. I do not recommend. My brain was trying to stop working because it was trying to avoid the state it was in. I was also sleep deprived... I guess I thought for some crazy reason that it would change things around... That it would rewire my brain or something. Well I didn't think it, I just hoped it would. (You know, when you seem to have tried every logical thing and they don't work, then you try less logical things.)


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## Emillie (Mar 13, 2012)

kitsune66 said:


> Its hard for me to explain in words of what i was seeing. I felt like i was the only consciousness and nothing was real. That life and reality was just an illusion. I felt like I was God and this terrified me. I was so stuck in head and my existence scared the fuck out of me.


YES. Omg. This happened to me on my WORST bad trips. It's weird how this happened to me once, then I would trust the drugs and do them again anyway, and it would eventually happen again? I think I experienced this like 3 times. Once when I did ecstacy, my acid trip, and fuck it, even a few times when I just smoked weed. The worst one was when I was high on just weed and I was at a dubstep concert, the one that came to mind reading this. Our brains are weird man. And complicated.

Also, I just want to tell you, I don't know if it will make you feel better or whatever to know that someone relates, but I laughed a few times while reading this out of relief for the simple fact that I can totally relate to every word. The difference is, I actually wish there were people who would have dragged me out of bad situations like that.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

You are not alone! I have had exactly the same experiences with drugs like LSD Ecstasy and Weed in the past..I believe i suffer from DP as a result of my childhood, these drugs and also the type of person i am....You will get better i promise that...But you must stay away from ALL the drugs...They will make you worse and halt the recovery process..Whatever you do you also have to tell those closest to you about what your going through...The worse thing you can do is suffer through this thing in silence..Isolating your self while you are suffering will only make it worse...Please please get to a doctor/psychiatrist and dont be afraid to tell him/her ALL of your symptoms...They will only know whats best for you if you are honest about what you are experiencing...I made the big mistake of not being honest with doctors when i first got DP because i was afraid they would lock me up or label me or tell me i was crazy...The result was i didnt get the proper treatment from the beginning and suffered longer...

You are not alone...Thousands of people are going through the same thing as you! I wish you well


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## kitsune66 (Nov 13, 2014)

Praise the Dawning said:


> I'm sorry to hear about this. Drugs are definitely the main cause of DPD so you are not alone.
> 
> Just remember, you can deal with this feeling by just lifting yourself out with positivity. I know that it is hard, but fuck, it's so worth it.


Thank you. I'm trying so hard to stay positive!


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## kitsune66 (Nov 13, 2014)

emillie said:


> YES. Omg. This happened to me on my WORST bad trips. It's weird how this happened to me once, then I would trust the drugs and do them again anyway, and it would eventually happen again? I think I experienced this like 3 times. Once when I did ecstacy, my acid trip, and fuck it, even a few times when I just smoked weed. The worst one was when I was high on just weed and I was at a dubstep concert, the one that came to mind reading this. Our brains are weird man. And complicated.
> 
> Also, I just want to tell you, I don't know if it will make you feel better or whatever to know that someone relates, but I laughed a few times while reading this out of relief for the simple fact that I can totally relate to every word. The difference is, I actually wish there were people who would have dragged me out of bad situations like that.


I've always wanted to meet someone who felt like me!  Its a crazy thing really, i searched up my symptoms and i found out there was a word for what I was going through, and I did more research and I found this website which is making me feel a WHOLE lot better. I hope you are finding ways to cope with this horrible disorder.


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