# Fear of my own Existence



## Jason79

I recently had a very bad reaction to a dug and had to withdraw abruptly. This withdrawal put my brain chemistry so out of whack that I can't even begin to start describing all the horrors I experienced.

One of the things I developed, however, is what in my opinion is the worst possible fear one could have. The fear of your very own existence. Kind of hard to avoid the source of that fear. It just hit me really hard, the one thing that everyone takes for granted, their own existence. For me it was like truly being aware of my existence for the very first time, unfortunately in my state of my mind it is mostly horrifying. I think maybe eventually through this realisation I might be able to appreciate life more, since I'm taking myself being here less for granted, but for the time being it is profoundly disturbing.

Anyone else been in the same boat?


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## Midnight

Jason79 said:


> I recently had a very bad reaction to a dug and had to withdraw abruptly. This withdrawal put my brain chemistry so out of whack that I can't even begin to start describing all the horrors I experienced.
> 
> One of the things I developed, however, is what in my opinion is the worst possible fear one could have. The fear of your very own existence. Kind of hard to avoid the source of that fear. It just hit me really hard, the one thing that everyone takes for granted, their own existence. For me it was like truly being aware of my existence for the very first time, unfortunately in my state of my mind it is mostly horrifying. I think maybe eventually through this realisation I might be able to appreciate life more, since I'm taking myself being here less for granted, but for the time being it is profoundly disturbing.
> 
> Anyone else been in the same boat?


Yes, I've been in the same boat. I'm not sure I would say it's a fear of my own existence though.. that seems like emotional reasoning. It's more just being in a state of anxiety most of the time. I would say that its not that you are aware of your own existence, it's more that you are depersonalized and cut off from your own existence and you are extremely aware of how odd that sensation is.


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## sunshinita

Welcome to the club! It's my one and only symptom,I am freaking out about the fact that I exist.It's like I 'woke up' from a dream and I have hyperawareness of my own existence and there is nowhere to escape,you can't escape consciousness.Believe me,it's the worst feeling and fear ever! It's not like classic DP,I had dp once and got out of it,now I have this unbelieveably sick sensation which Jason describes.Although I am not having panic attacks anymore( because of a med) the feeling is still here 24/7,hyperawareness is what I call it.


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## jeftones

omg I totally have this. I have had DP/DR on and off for 15 years, but this time seems to be the hardest to get through. I feel super aware of my existance, almost to the point where I am starting to believe that I am the only existance and nobody else is real. I am constantly getting panic attacks about this especially first thing when I wake up. As I wake up I become aware of it and start having a panic attack, I feel like I am all alone in the universe. I find it hard to go out now because I over analyze everything. Before while driving I would just be another car on the road full of cars, but now I look at the cars as individual people that have their own lives and stories and existances. I start thinking "how can that be possible" and have basically led myself to believe that I am the only existance and this is all just being projected to me. My mind wanders alot now, I think things like how can the world exist if I die if I am not here to witness it, kind of like the does a tree falling in the forest make a sound of there is nobody there to hear it kind of thing.


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## MusicaElectronica

I have this too and i get it as well from drug and withdrawal abruptly. (for me it was bensodiazepine)

do u feel like it uncomfortable and horrible to exist and u get panicked?
in the beginning of the withdrawal i was feeling that. sometimes i get almost shocked about my existence. its terrifying to breath..to exist.
then i felt like it burning and stinging inside. can u relate to this?


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## Spadde

I have this too!! Someone please Tell me how to get rid of it, is it even DPDR?
I feel it so weird to exist, so weird to just BE here. Its terror


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## Guest

This is derealisation. I used to have DR occasionally, and I agree, it IS terror. I'm sorry you guys are stuck in this. I always said DR was the worse thing I ever experienced.

I had a psychiatrist spend a lot of time with me, helping me overcome DR. I'm not really sure how I'd go trying to relate the way I learnt to shift it, to your experiences though. I can try if you'd like to me to.

Take care..


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## Spadde

Yes please try


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## Guest

Ok no problems, I'll give it a go...

My psychiatrist and myself always worked from the premise that dissociative disorders are a form of protection of the mind. Therefore when it came to derealisation, it was obvious this was a desperate attempt of the mind to protect itself, and b/c the DR was so extreme and debilitating it seemed that what it was protecting me from was an extreme threat or fear of some kind.

We looked at it what my mind was protecting me from, and over time I learnt that I was being triggered by something that reminded me of a past traumatic event. So that trigger (memory) would make my mind switch into a state of DR to protect itself. The psych helped me to understand that the triggers were only reminders of past events or memories, they weren't a real threat in the present day, just a perceived threat. With that information I was able to disarm the trigger through self talk of being safe and that the threat was over. When I was able to believe that, there was no need for my mind to use DR as a form of protection anymore, b/c the threat was over and my mind no longer needed to be protected.

To be kind to myself, I thanked the parts of me which had kept me protected by using DR for so long and told them that they could rest now b/c their job (of protecting) was over, I was safe at last!

i hope that helps. I know it's pretty 'out there', but it worked really well with me, and I rarely get even a hint of derealisation anymore, mainly b/c it's not necessary in my life b/c the real or perceived threats are over. I use a similar method if I'm feeling depersonalised as well, and again it's very successful. However the DR is the worst and most distressing by far. It's worse than DID without a doubt.

I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any.


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## Spadde

Philo said:


> Ok no problems, I'll give it a go...
> 
> My psychiatrist and myself always worked from the premise that dissociative disorders are a form of protection of the mind. Therefore when it came to derealisation, it was obvious this was a desperate attempt of the mind to protect itself, and b/c the DR was so extreme and debilitating it seemed that what it was protecting me from was an extreme threat or fear of some kind.
> 
> We looked at it what my mind was protecting me from, and over time I learnt that I was being triggered by something that reminded me of a past traumatic event. So that trigger (memory) would make my mind switch into a state of DR to protect itself. The psych helped me to understand that the triggers were only reminders of past events or memories, they weren't a real threat in the present day, just a perceived threat. With that information I was able to disarm the trigger through self talk of being safe and that the threat was over. When I was able to believe that, there was no need for my mind to use DR as a form of protection anymore, b/c the threat was over and my mind no longer needed to be protected.
> 
> To be kind to myself, I thanked the parts of me which had kept me protected by using DR for so long and told them that they could rest now b/c their job (of protecting) was over, I was safe at last!
> 
> i hope that helps. I know it's pretty 'out there', but it worked really well with me, and I rarely get even a hint of derealisation anymore, mainly b/c it's not necessary in my life b/c the real or perceived threats are over. I use a similar method if I'm feeling depersonalised as well, and again it's very successful. However the DR is the worst and most distressing by far. It's worse than DID without a doubt.
> 
> I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any.


Did you have EXTREME existential thoughts along with this?

My worst fear is what if I am the single soul alive in the universe, and others are just "pieces of meat and bone" and are more or less just objects and nothing more, it scares me to death, to think that my father and mother is just nothing more than an object .

Ive tried to cope with the fear or rationalise it or just say "fuck it", but Im still scared over it.


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## Guest

Spadde said:


> Did you have EXTREME existential thoughts along with this?
> 
> My worst fear is what if I am the single soul alive in the universe, and others are just "pieces of meat and bone" and are more or less just objects and nothing more, it scares me to death, to think that my father and mother is just nothing more than an object .
> 
> Ive tried to cope with the fear or rationalise it or just say "fuck it", but Im still scared over it.


Oh yes, my thoughts were extreme. I believed the world wasn't real, nothing in the world was real. I believed I wasn't real either and I would come to the conclusion that I couldn't live in a world that wasn't real, so I either had to medicate myself brainless or go to the hospital ED. It was a cycle I'd get into and i couldn't get off by myself. I'd be distraught and utterly hopeless.

What I wrote isn't easy to do by any means. I battled with this for probably about 6 months after I first started talking to my psych about what was happening.

I think the most powerful thing I did first off was to thank the part/s of me that were actually causing the derealisation in the first place. It was hard b/c it felt counterintuitive you know? Like thanking someone for hurting you? But it was very important that I did, b/c those parts that were causing DR were trying their hardest to protect my mind. Using DR was the ONLY way they knew how to protect from such extreme triggers of fears and memories. I knew there was a better way to do it, but THEY didn't! Even though you may read this and think I'm talking in terms of DID, it doesn't make any difference. All people are made up of different parts, i.e. working parts, playing parts, adult parts, children parts etc.. With DID the main difference is in the degrees of separation between those parts. Anyway no need to get into that.

Being compassionate towards yourself is very important. To look after yourself, to love yourself, no matter what your mind is doing. You may not understand why it's making you confused and feel the way you do, but to trust your mind (yourself) and thank yourself and be kind to yourself and look after yourself are all very important parts of understanding yourself. If you understand yourself and the choices which are being made in your subconscious mind, the work of changing thoughts for new and better ones will be much easier. It's not easy, but it IS doable! It's very easy for us to hate ourselves when we're like this, but that will get us nowhere. There'll a perpetual war inside. It's so much easier to understand yourself when you have compassion and love.

Another VERY powerful tool was when I started to understand (and believe) the threats themselves were over, the whole process slowly started to work and the DR lost its power&#8230; Now, if I ever feel DR coming on, the first thing I realise is I've been triggered! Then I work on trying to understand what triggered me, and then work through the trigger and defuse it and weaken it. I'm not saying it's easy but it's essential to put the work in and try, otherwise the triggers will never cease and they will always have power over you/me.

Spaddle.. I know what you mean about trying to say fuck it! It's a load of bull crap etc. And that feels like it's going to work&#8230; until you're right in the middle of a full on DR episode huh? People being just meat on bones&#8230; yeah, I used to think that way too. And in a way it's true of course, BUT it's not entirely true is it? Of course people are more than just that.. we have a spirit and a soul and we're alive!

If you want to keep talking I'm more than happy to try and help. I know DR is absolutely fucking horrible and I'll try and help if I can.


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## Spadde

Philo said:


> Oh yes, my thoughts were extreme. I believed the world wasn't real, nothing in the world was real. I believed I wasn't real either and I would come to the conclusion that I couldn't live in a world that wasn't real, so I either had to medicate myself brainless or go to the hospital ED. It was a cycle I'd get into and i couldn't get off by myself. I'd be distraught and utterly hopeless.
> 
> What I wrote isn't easy to do by any means. I battled with this for probably about 6 months after I first started talking to my psych about what was happening.
> 
> I think the most powerful thing I did first off was to thank the part/s of me that were actually causing the derealisation in the first place. It was hard b/c it felt counterintuitive you know? Like thanking someone for hurting you? But it was very important that I did, b/c those parts that were causing DR were trying their hardest to protect my mind. Using DR was the ONLY way they knew how to protect from such extreme triggers of fears and memories. I knew there was a better way to do it, but THEY didn't! Even though you may read this and think I'm talking in terms of DID, it doesn't make any difference. All people are made up of different parts, i.e. working parts, playing parts, adult parts, children parts etc.. With DID the main difference is in the degrees of separation between those parts. Anyway no need to get into that.
> 
> Being compassionate towards yourself is very important. To look after yourself, to love yourself, no matter what your mind is doing. You may not understand why it's making you confused and feel the way you do, but to trust your mind (yourself) and thank yourself and be kind to yourself and look after yourself are all very important parts of understanding yourself. If you understand yourself and the choices which are being made in your subconscious mind, the work of changing thoughts for new and better ones will be much easier. It's not easy, but it IS doable! It's very easy for us to hate ourselves when we're like this, but that will get us nowhere. There'll a perpetual war inside. It's so much easier to understand yourself when you have compassion and love.
> 
> Another VERY powerful tool was when I started to understand (and believe) the threats themselves were over, the whole process slowly started to work and the DR lost its power&#8230; Now, if I ever feel DR coming on, the first thing I realise is I've been triggered! Then I work on trying to understand what triggered me, and then work through the trigger and defuse it and weaken it. I'm not saying it's easy but it's essential to put the work in and try, otherwise the triggers will never cease and they will always have power over you/me.
> 
> Spaddle.. I know what you mean about trying to say fuck it! It's a load of bull crap etc. And that feels like it's going to work&#8230; until you're right in the middle of a full on DR episode huh? People being just meat on bones&#8230; yeah, I used to think that way too. And in a way it's true of course, BUT it's not entirely true is it? Of course people are more than just that.. we have a spirit and a soul and we're alive!
> 
> If you want to keep talking I'm more than happy to try and help. I know DR is absolutely fucking horrible and I'll try and help if I can.


Yes I would love your help!

If its not an issue, I would like to talk over skype, not via mic since my english accent is horrible, but through text if that's ok?


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## Guest

Believe it or not... I don't have Skype. In fact I'm not on Facebook, twitter, skype or any social media. Ha, can you believe that? It's true tho.

I suppose the only thing I could offer is to PM each other?


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## jeftones

The thing I am having the most problems with and would like help with is the realization that I exist part. Like the OP said it was almost like I suddenly became aware that I was an individual. I get thoughts in my head like "you have only ever seen life through your own point of view. how do you know anything really exists?" I feel very alone in my head and start thinking things like "what are the chances that I exist, at this time, in this place, and not 100 years ago or 100 years from now" I keep thinking of memories from the past and I just can't seem to comprehend how having my own POV that only I was aware of didn't bother me before. It's horrifying being afraid of your very own existence. You never get a break from it. I wake up in the morning and hear cars outside and think "how can the world continue on if i'm not awake to know about it, and if I die how can the universe continue to go on for an infinite amount of time without me being aware that it is happening. How is it possible to live and think at all? I almost feel like i never really did exist before all the DP/DR crap started. I'm terrified to be left lone now, when alone I think about the fact that I'm the only one here right now, I am the only one experiencing this right now. I don't know if this is common with DP/DR but it doesn't feel like there is a world I live on with other people but more that the entire world exists in my head. My mind goes crazy when I am out in public I can't stop obsessing the fact that every one of these people have their own conscious thoughts, lives, individual POVs, stories, everything. The world just seems too big and I feel completely disconnected from it as if I just arrived on the planet and have no idea whats going on.


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## Guest

jeftones said:


> The thing I am having the most problems with and would like help with is the realization that I exist part. Like the OP said it was almost like I suddenly became aware that I was an individual. I get thoughts in my head like "you have only ever seen life through your own point of view. how do you know anything really exists?" I feel very alone in my head and start thinking things like "what are the chances that I exist, at this time, in this place, and not 100 years ago or 100 years from now" I keep thinking of memories from the past and I just can't seem to comprehend how having my own POV that only I was aware of didn't bother me before. It's horrifying being afraid of your very own existence. You never get a break from it. I wake up in the morning and hear cars outside and think "how can the world continue on if i'm not awake to know about it, and if I die how can the universe continue to go on for an infinite amount of time without me being aware that it is happening. How is it possible to live and think at all? I almost feel like i never really did exist before all the DP/DR crap started. I'm terrified to be left lone now, when alone I think about the fact that I'm the only one here right now, I am the only one experiencing this right now. I don't know if this is common with DP/DR but it doesn't feel like there is a world I live on with other people but more that the entire world exists in my head. My mind goes crazy when I am out in public I can't stop obsessing the fact that every one of these people have their own conscious thoughts, lives, individual POVs, stories, everything. The world just seems too big and I feel completely disconnected from it as if I just arrived on the planet and have no idea whats going on.


Again, to me that sounds like you've described derealisation (and the ruminating which can go with it) very much how I used to experience it, and I imagine how many other people experience DR also.

Can I ask how long your DR has been so severe? What you have tried to shift this way of thinking?


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## jeftones

It has been about 2 months now, It all started with a huge panic attack and hasn't been the same since.I have had derealization a few times since I was 15 (28 now) but never felt so alone in the universe before. It was like the sudden relization that although there are people ll around you are ultimately alone in your head and alone with anything that happens to you. I was o celexa on and off for 13 years. I hadn't been taking it properly for some time and around late september I started getting the withdraw symptoms pretty bad (mood swings, brain zaps, etc) so I went back to the doctor and got my prescription filled and started taking the proper 20mg per day every day properly. a couple weeks go by and I notice i'm starting to get anxiety pretty bad and the DR symptoms were starting to come about after years of nothing. One morning it was so bad I called in sick to work and basically for the next month stayed in my house and became afraid of the outside world. My doctor upped my dosage to 40mg and I felt like i was just getting worse. My depression got really bad to the point I was thinking about suicide all day every day. It feels like a struggle to just be conscious and do anything. I just switched from celexa to effexor 2 days ago and the doctor gave me seriquel to help me sleep. I took one of those for the first time last night and woke up with way worse DR symptoms and in total panic. I can't help wondering if taking medication is what is bringing this all on as it really did start after I started taking the pill properly to get rid of the withdraw symptoms. But I also fear that now that I have had these thoughts how can I ever not think like this anymore because its not like you get a break from being in your own point of view and it is impossible to answer the questions of how is it possible that I even exist.


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## jeftones

also is it normal to lose all your emotional connections with DR? I feel like I have no interests anymore and no emotional connection to any people. I can't cry or feel any happiness or excitement anymore, it feels like i'm just living life on auto and out of routine instead of actually living.


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## Spadde

Philo said:


> Believe it or not... I don't have Skype. In fact I'm not on Facebook, twitter, skype or any social media. Ha, can you believe that? It's true tho.
> 
> I suppose the only thing I could offer is to PM each other?


Sure, PM works fine, thank you


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## Spadde

jeftones said:


> also is it normal to lose all your emotional connections with DR? I feel like I have no interests anymore and no emotional connection to any people. I can't cry or feel any happiness or excitement anymore, it feels like i'm just living life on auto and out of routine instead of actually living.


Yes, alot of people with DrDp feel this, emotional numbness


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## Spadde

jeftones said:


> But I also fear that now that I have had these thoughts how can I ever not think like this anymore because its not like you get a break from being in your own point of view and it is impossible to answer the questions of how is it possible that I even exist.


Feel the exact same way, I'm 19 and have also had this about 2 months and they also started from a severe panic attack. Its living hell, sometimes I try to accept and embrace that I exist, I live, I am in this world and there is no getting out. And sometimes I panic from it.

I try to see the positive side, that it is better to be in this world and exist here rather than not existing at all, but its still hard.

(btw I take anti-anxiety pills and SSRI's for about 1½ months now)


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## jeftones

I think the best way to describe it is that I feel I'm afraid to experience life on a personal level.... Does that make sense to anybody else?


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## Spadde

Not really, you have to be more precise


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## Guest

Spadde said:


> Sure, PM works fine, thank you


Ok. I'll send a PM


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## jeftones

Like being me alone is terrifying. I'm afraid of having experiences alone. If I'm in a room with other people I think we are all experiencing this together, as soon as i leave I think things like you are the only person experiencing this right now. Nobody can see what you are seeing or experience what you are experiencing at this exact moment. I think it goes back to the world not feeling like a tangible thing. I think if I'm alone somewhere that it only exists to me whereas if the world was tangible it is just a place anybody can go to at any moment and it exists for everyone. Now I think I'm just rambling and may have gone crazier


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## jeftones

It's a weird feeling, like if you had never heard about Japan or somewhere else to you it doesn't exist. Which makes me feel like the world can only exist as much as I have learned about it. Like I was some kind of computer that only knows what is input into it rather than things exist regardless. Now time for a panic attack


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## Guest

I guess with trying to sort out my dissociative disorders and seeing a couple of great therapists over a few years, they taught me to look into the reason why I get DR or DP. The therapists never seemed to concentrate on symptoms so much, they encouraged me to look into why it was happening. They taught me early on that dissociative disorders were a way for the mind to protect itself, and theoretically I could understand that quite easily. They also taught me that when the DR spiked it was usually b/c of a trigger. So I spent time 'noticing' and 'questioning' my feelings when I had DR, and most importantly what happened just before the DR spiked in an attempt to learn what my triggers were. The more I took notice, the more I learnt. The more I learnt the more I could act and self-talk through the experience that triggered me, and thus they were no longer triggers anymore.

Make sense?


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## gasspanicc

yes i can relate to an extent, it's not disturbing, we're just not use to it! and for us to become aware it has been through DP, which is not fun, but we are becoming more aware and that's the key. don't be freaked out, it is honestly a mindset, we are not use to these concepts being thrown at us, that's fine. theres nothing ot be afraid of tho, they are just concepts. just let go, that's honestly the best you can do!


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## Guest

gasspanicc said:


> yes i can relate to an extent, it's not disturbing, we're just not use to it! and for us to become aware it has been through DP, which is not fun, but we are becoming more aware and that's the key. don't be freaked out, it is honestly a mindset, we are not use to these concepts being thrown at us, that's fine. theres nothing ot be afraid of tho, they are just concepts. just let go, that's honestly the best you can do!


I'm not sure.. were you responding to my post?


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## missjess

sunshinita said:


> Welcome to the club! It's my one and only symptom,I am freaking out about the fact that I exist.It's like I 'woke up' from a dream and I have hyperawareness of my own existence and there is nowhere to escape,you can't escape consciousness.Believe me,it's the worst feeling and fear ever! It's not like classic DP,I had dp once and got out of it,now I have this unbelieveably sick sensation which Jason describes.Although I am not having panic attacks anymore( because of a med) the feeling is still here 24/7,hyperawareness is what I call it.


This state of dp is horrible it's like chronic detachment from self and it just doesn't feel right...I've been suffering with a bit of paranoia as of late because I just can't handle this disorder anymore and I just don't feel integrated and it's rlly affecting my confidence levels


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## sunshinita

I am not very sure if that exactly is DR.I had DR last year and all I felt was like being in a dream I can't wake up from. This time it's just that existential fear,fearing existence and the fact that I ccan't get out of it,I have to be conscious all the time without break.

Jeftones, btw I am on Effexor and a very little dose of Seroquel too but it's working for me in a way. The Effexor itself helped very little but once I started on Seroquel at night too ( 25mg) I felt much better. I am stil dr-ed,still have the fear,still think about it but it is more manageable and I don't have panic attacks anymore,may be you should give it time.


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## missjess

Well they all the same to me but what im expediting is dp...feeling like a spectator 24/7 but without the fear and anxiety 
I'm sure u will break the cycle ...DR isn't rlly anything to be afraid of it's just u dissociating


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## jeftones

I would like to but the first time I took it I felt more like I was losing control than ever before. The next day I felt high as a kite and a million times more panicked until around dinner. I honestly think there is more wrong with me. Can someone else explain their existanal fears in more detail. For mine I feel like life is something new that I haven't done before and not something that I have done fortthe last 28 years. I obsess that I can only see life from my point of view and come to the conclusion that I am alone on this planet and everything is being projected to me. I just can't fathom that there are 7 billion other individuals on the planet that can do whatever they want whenever. I think things like how big the universe is and how can it be possible that I exist and have conscious thought on this tiny rock floating around, and how is it possible in the unlimited amount of time the universe has existed that I came to exist now and when I'm gone I will never exist again. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on I'm constantly terrified and confused. I try to stay around people I love but they feel like strangers and I doubt they even really exist.


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## Spadde

jeftones said:


> I would like to but the first time I took it I felt more like I was losing control than ever before. The next day I felt high as a kite and a million times more panicked until around dinner. I honestly think there is more wrong with me. Can someone else explain their existanal fears in more detail. For mine I feel like life is something new that I haven't done before and not something that I have done fortthe last 28 years. I obsess that I can only see life from my point of view and come to the conclusion that I am alone on this planet and everything is being projected to me. I just can't fathom that there are 7 billion other individuals on the planet that can do whatever they want whenever. I think things like how big the universe is and how can it be possible that I exist and have conscious thought on this tiny rock floating around, and how is it possible in the unlimited amount of time the universe has existed that I came to exist now and when I'm gone I will never exist again. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on I'm constantly terrified and confused. I try to stay around people I love but they feel like strangers and I doubt they even really exist.


It almost felt like I've written that myself.

Existence is so ABSURD and STRANGE, and to think that I exist, as a conscious BEING, is even more absurd, and the fact that my parents and friends and EVERYONE else on this planet is as conscious as I am just feels so very fucking strange.

Today Ive been trying to think like this, even if its hard.

Before the panic attack that caused all this living hell and terror I was perfectly fine, okay I wasnt skipping with joy but I was happy to be alive, and I almost never thought about "what if im all alone in this world" (maybe once a year).

I felt completely normal, and often thought about black holes and the possibility of other dimensions etc, and never felt freaked out, only interested. Now I freak out the very moment I start thinking about the universe and excistence.

So it MUST be that we got de-realisation from some cause (cause is different for everyone, but could be as I've read a biological defence mechanism that your brain executes when you are on overdrive and such) and then got stuck in this mindset that nothing is real and life is a living hell etc, it must be that the world is real and alright and not scary and the cause for our feelings and thoughts are coming from the defence mechanism.

What I'm trying to say is, since I never felt or thought this way before, even when I really went deep, that our current feelings/thoughts/questions are stupid/irrelevant and it only feels like they are true/important because we are de-realised.

Ive talked with some people that have had these fears and overcome them, and they say that when they think these thoughts now they lauch or just stay neutral about them, they seem stupid to them.

So I really think that, how incredible hard it is to try to recover, we must try, and that this hell that we are feeling at the moment only is an illusion, and is caused by de.realisation.

Sorry if what I wrote is completely mumbojumbo, english isnt my first language :/

Good luck my friends, and people who are recovered, please comment on what I just wrote


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## Hosscat

Im having the same, what if im all alone problem too. What if everything was made by my mind. But im slowly getting better, the fear isn't as bad now. And ill be seeing a therapist soon about how to deal with the obsessive thought pattern, if I learn anything ill try to post it on the site sometime.


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## jeftones

I wish i was as optimistic as you. My biggest fear is that I exist and only have knowledge of the world from my own perspective. There is literally no way to live any other way so how can I just get better in sick in this head experiencing things in my own forever. I find u can't go out of the house without my wife, I have no self confidence left. I have tried but I get thinking how I'm experience this alone nobody sees exactly what I see. What the hell is this all about I used to love going off doing things alone. Plus now I have a huge fear that I'm going to go crazy and hurt someone I love.


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## Spadde

jeftones said:


> I wish i was as optimistic as you. My biggest fear is that I exist and only have knowledge of the world from my own perspective. There is literally no way to live any other way so how can I just get better in sick in this head experiencing things in my own forever. I find u can't go out of the house without my wife, I have no self confidence left. I have tried but I get thinking how I'm experience this alone nobody sees exactly what I see. What the hell is this all about I used to love going off doing things alone. Plus now I have a huge fear that I'm going to go crazy and hurt someone I love.


I havent always been optimistic, it started today.

I used to be like you, in some way I still am, but I am slowly (very slowly) getting better I think.

Remember that the old you never had these feelings and thoughts, atleast never reacted like this to it, you have simply been overstressed and becomed de-realised.

You might be completely confident that I am fake/world is fake/freaked out that only you can see stuff sometimes when only you are around, but that is because you are de-realised and you brain has set you in a defensive state which makes you feel like this, its false feelings.

If you fight it and try to get better, you will, it will take alot of time, but in the end you will come through, and you wont think like you are now.


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## Parrie

Jason79 said:


> This withdrawal put my brain chemistry so out of whack that I can't even begin to start describing all the horrors I experienced.
> 
> One of the things I developed, however, is what in my opinion is the worst possible fear one could have. The fear of your very own existence.............................
> 
> For me it was like truly being aware of my existence for the very first time, unfortunately in my state of my mind it is mostly horrifying.
> 
> Anyone else been in the same boat?


I also got this...... from medication withdrawal like you too.



sunshinita said:


> I am freaking out about the fact that I exist.It's like I 'woke up' from a dream and I have hyperawareness of my own existence and there is nowhere to escape,you can't escape consciousness.


Yes this. Too much awareness of reality, the filter is gone and then there is a kind of complete shut down, maybe for protection from the horror of it.

I seem to swing back and forth between the overwhelming intensity of everything and complete absense of any thought or feeling (DR?)


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## jeftones

It's horrifying, I am constantly thinking about suicide but the only thing that scares me more than consciousness is not existing at all. I just can't get over how lonely existence is. Sure there are people around but the individual thought scares me. I'm terrified that I am in complete control of everything I do, and it scares me more that there are 7 billion other people who are in complete control of what they do. I just don't know what to do I can't go on like this


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## sunshinita

Anxiety makes people hyperaware,anxiety sucks big time!!


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## Spadde

Has anyone had this and recovered?


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## live1light

I can't type much because I'm on my phone but the existential fears go away for sure! 

It is up to the person to change the way they think. 
It's all about control and of course, it takes practice. 

It took me about 2 month to be able to get rid of my fear of existing and i won't lie about how I don't have fears because I do but that doesn't matter because I feel better than before. 

When the thoughts come, you need to learn how to push it away because it's literally consuming you. 
Save yourself all the trouble and think about the things you will do once you are recovered. 
I think everyone should be reminded how real everything is. If you think you're the only person in this universe, then why aren't you rich? Think about it, why think about all this when one day you'll be fully recovered? 

Before all this happened, I was actually looking forward to dying alone. I was obsessed over the fact that by the end of the day you will be your own best friend. How does that help? It reminds of how I REALLY DO NOT FEAR THIS SHIT, IT IS JUST DP. The real me is still there and I'll probably feel like Tupac once I recovered. 

Wish you all the best, we are all real.


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## Spadde

Thank you, it helps alot


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## higha1

I have this as well


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## Spadde

higha1 said:


> I have this as well


It gets better with time, im on my 5 month now and it very gradually becoming less terror.


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## JessieBlack

I have had this fear, and it has returned, but not as extreme. I know how it came about. 
I suffered with SEVERE anxiety for about three years, the trigger was hormonal - pregnancy, and continues to be, I am worse once a month! Before the pregnancy I used to binge drink, now I know why. Anyway, when the anxiety first started I used to comfort myself by telling myself that if all else failed I always had suicide as an option to escape the dreadful terror I was constantly experiencing. It made me feel better to know there was an escape! However as anxiety does, it picked apart my source of comfort and I was left with concerns of reincarnation, existing as atoms etc etc... It can only be described as blind terror and hopelessness. A feeling of there never ever being any escape. My thoughts got way out there and I accepted them as truth, eternal suffering - scary shit. I had a feeling that I had stumbled across some awful truth that no one else knew about. 
The only way I got out of it was through sheer willpower, I was researching anxiety and the mind all the time, book after book. I knew that I had to bring my overall anxiety levels down and take control of my mind, specifically my use of it. I kept my mind occupied with other things, although the urge to return to my horrible thoughts and try to work through them was there, I knew I couldn't fix my anxious thoughts with an anxious mind. I had to rise above it and take control, I needed to socialise more and be around 'normal' people. I built up my own business, studied, concentrated on being a good mum, read books. Eventually my anxiety levels did indeed come down, and with it so did all my fears. I would revisit some of them, fear of existence included, and they would illicit no anxious response. 
My point is that the thoughts are of no significance - it's the anxiety level itself that needs to be brought back to a normal level. Our reactions to thoughts, situations and events differ depending on our state of mind at the time.

Fear not, it doesn't have to last forever


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## Carl_34_m_UK

I've been suffering this for the past 3 months. 24x7 from the second I'm awake to the second I try to sleep. I've become so terrified amd disturbed by my own existence. It's like all of a sudden I've realised what it means to he a human being 
Just an existence of thoughts amd constantly aging. You don't get a break from being alive from the moment you're born to the day you die 
I find the whole concept completely disturbing and my skin burns with fear all day long. I don't know how to come out of this. It's not dp dr anymore this has taken over and is what I've been left with. How can I ever be at peace when it's existence itself that terrifies me.


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## JudahLebrowitz

First post!
Rest assured Carl, you're not the only one dealing with that right now. I have had DP/DR before but it came back with a vengeance when I began to experience very significant anxiety. Now I am plagued by these questions of existence all day long, and when I panic, it feels like I have this sudden, acute clarity that I am alive and how strange everything really seems to be because I have no basis for comparison to it. My hope is to train my anxiety watchdog into not feeling afraid of these existential thoughts, because they pose no threat and because if you isolate the hypervigilant response to them, they are quite common and are part of the human experience. But, that's my goal- for now, I'm in such an awful state of DP/DR that panic rears its head pretty often, my stomach hurts, and existential thoughts are all I can really think about. I know it will pass when I can stop focusing on it but that is of course the challenge.


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## Carl_34_m_UK

When these thoughts first hit me there was this sudden intense feeling of terror throughout my whole body. This feeling has not left me for 5 months now. It's horrible but I've accepted that it has ruined my life. It's not an on off thought or set of thoughts. It's this sudden realisation and awareness of my existence that has left me in some sort of shock with terror and anxiety. I think everyone is able to deal with these thoughts differently but for some reason they have terrified me and I cannot change or unsee what has happened. I've been in hospital for 3 weeks with therapy which hasn't helped at all. I know deep down that nothing can change this. I just find our existence as human being so strange and disturbing now. We are no different to any other living being on this planet or in the universe. It's all very pointless and meaningless amd such a realisation has left me with 24x7 anxiety and fear


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## Pondererer

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> When these thoughts first hit me there was this sudden intense feeling of terror throughout my whole body. This feeling has not left me for 5 months now. It's horrible but I've accepted that it has ruined my life. It's not an on off thought or set of thoughts. It's this sudden realisation and awareness of my existence that has left me in some sort of shock with terror and anxiety. I think everyone is able to deal with these thoughts differently but for some reason they have terrified me and I cannot change or unsee what has happened. I've been in hospital for 3 weeks with therapy which hasn't helped at all. I know deep down that nothing can change this. I just find our existence as human being so strange and disturbing now. We are no different to any other living being on this planet or in the universe. It's all very pointless and meaningless amd such a realisation has left me with 24x7 anxiety and fear


If it makes you feel any better, i think its about falling into this bad emotional / mind state, that makes us think this way, and not the other way around. Like, the problem is not life being bad or meaningless, its about the fact you got stuck in a certain mindset and cant get out.


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## marcospgp

I have come across this thread so many times through my regular google searches that I felt I should create an account and comment here.

I've been thinking about existence and consciousness and how absurd it all is. How we have no say in being conscious or not, we just experience it, and we can't take the option of sleep or suicide for granted. It's terrifying to me.

How have you people been doing?


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## mar

How is it going for everybody? I'm dealing with the same problem as you. This isn't the first time for me. I remember the first time i had this terrible experience.. It is almost ten years ago. I ate pizza with my friends and suddenly i became super aware of my own existence -j everything i've ever experienced has been in my POV. It freaked me out and i panicked. I've been struggling with DP for episodes for the last 10 years but i've been feeling fine, with almost no DP for the last 5 years or something. even though i've had a lot of anxiety about other stuff.

Now this super awereness has hit me harder than ever. i feel trapped in my own body, it's like i'm living in a nightmare. but i'm glad i'm not alone with this problem.

i've started taking SSRI and really hope they will make me "forget" about the truth, witch feels so bizarre. A couple of days ago i felt like shit and took a medicin called lergigan and slept for like 20 hours. that helped a little.

What have helped me when i'm panicking is that i've just tried to accept all the feelings and hopefully it will start to feel less scary after a while. After all i've been through this before but i can't really remember how i started to feel better. I guess i have to forget the "truth" about my own existence. Maybe therapy can help to accepted these feelings??

Hope you guys are doing better!


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## Jomiar79

Hi guys. I'm going through this right now. It's such a weird and personal condition, that you even have doubts if it isn't something else going on in your brain. I have this kind of phobia of having a body... of feeling and seeing movement... of feeling and seeing things touched. That's really tough since we all have a body, we all move, and we all touch. It's as if having sensory perception itself was painful. I am hyperaware of my own body... of the way I move, the way I touch things, the way my senses perceive things.

Sometimes this is just triggered by a single thought. Sometimes it can go away for weeks. But it can be terrifying feeling weirdly trapped in your own body/sensory perception. I don't know if this counts as DR/DP or fear of existence... or just plain sensorimotor/hyperawareness OCD.

Sometimes I feel like just staying completely still, and not perceive anything. But that's impossible since we perceive things all the time. The most accurate term I've thought for this is like some sort of "sensory fibromyalgia".

I am working a lot with acceptance. Does anyone relate to this? If someone would feel like talking about ir, or just being there for mutual support, you can find me on WhatsApp: +51 965 393 157. It would be great empowering ourselves. All the best.


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## willbarwa

live1light said:


> I can't type much because I'm on my phone but the existential fears go away for sure! It is up to the person to change the way they think. It's all about control and of course, it takes practice. It took me about 2 month to be able to get rid of my fear of existing and i won't lie about how I don't have fears because I do but that doesn't matter because I feel better than before. When the thoughts come, you need to learn how to push it away because it's literally consuming you. Save yourself all the trouble and think about the things you will do once you are recovered. I think everyone should be reminded how real everything is. If you think you're the only person in this universe, then why aren't you rich? Think about it, why think about all this when one day you'll be fully recovered? Before all this happened, I was actually looking forward to dying alone. I was obsessed over the fact that by the end of the day you will be your own best friend. How does that help? It reminds of how I REALLY DO NOT FEAR THIS SHIT, IT IS JUST DP. The real me is still there and I'll probably feel like Tupac once I recovered. Wish you all the best, we are all real.


Haahha like tupac...that was funny


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## willbarwa

mar said:


> How is it going for everybody? I'm dealing with the same problem as you. This isn't the first time for me. I remember the first time i had this terrible experience.. It is almost ten years ago. I ate pizza with my friends and suddenly i became super aware of my own existence -j everything i've ever experienced has been in my POV. It freaked me out and i panicked. I've been struggling with DP for episodes for the last 10 years but i've been feeling fine, with almost no DP for the last 5 years or something. even though i've had a lot of anxiety about other stuff.
> 
> Now this super awereness has hit me harder than ever. i feel trapped in my own body, it's like i'm living in a nightmare. but i'm glad i'm not alone with this problem.
> 
> i've started taking SSRI and really hope they will make me "forget" about the truth, witch feels so bizarre. A couple of days ago i felt like shit and took a medicin called lergigan and slept for like 20 hours. that helped a little.
> 
> What have helped me when i'm panicking is that i've just tried to accept all the feelings and hopefully it will start to feel less scary after a while. After all i've been through this before but i can't really remember how i started to feel better. I guess i have to forget the "truth" about my own existence. Maybe therapy can help to accepted these feelings??
> 
> Hope you guys are doing better!


The 'truth' of your existence was very much intact before DP.

Dp is usually involved in emotional processing and memory. You feel the world around you but it is dampered.

Dp is a shift from the way your brain.is supposed to work...you know 1000 of years of evolution (or not, if u belive in God)

Whether a man of God or a man of science, Dp stands on its own corner of incredulity.

The heavy-duty manure I went.thru in the.first few weeks was enough for me to go mad.

Its amazing what the brain can concoct when pushed to the extreme.

Its like "hey...fuck you, ok? Im gonna switch gears on you, im.gonna turn the world not inside out, but outside in, mmmk?"


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## mkeshish

It’s amazing the OP was in 2013 for this thread! The person who gave advice in the beginning had some amazing things to say. This is my biggest problem also! I’m looking back at my original trigger. This time I was triggered by what I felt was a “near death” experience. It sucks so much thinking these things and having ocd and panic attacks on top of it.


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## Nog

People keep saying the dpdr perspective is wrong and im trying to tell myself that but it doesn't work.

The fact that free will isnt real and we're just spectators that are just trapped in our heads living in a world created by our brain is like...objectively true isnt it? And im overaware of my existence and it literally feels like that. I keep asking for support from friends and they're like cmon just ignore it. But they dont understand what it feels like to FEEL what im saying, as opposed to just listening to it. Its destroying me. I feel like a walking pathetic cry for help that cant be helped.

Im terrified of my own fucking consciousness. Its so fucking exhausting im tired of it i dont know how much longer i can take tbh.


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## elbee

I came across this website through a Google search. I've read through a few of the threads, but I know that getting too wrapped up in these forums isn't healthy for me. I haven't written a personal introduction on this website (at least not yet) but I signed up because I want to reply to this thread specifically. I haven't found many places online that talk about "hyper awareness" (fear of existence) in a way that fully resonates with me like it has in some of the discussion in this thread.

Here is how I would describe "hyper awareness" in the way I experience it (perhaps related to DP/DR, but not quite the same as most who I hear describe it) . . .

The "hyper-awareness" I'm referring to is literally the most terrifying experience of my life when it happens. I feel frozen in terror, like a deer caught in the headlights. It feels like how I would imagine an animal that's caught by a predator and is being eaten alive might experience life in that moment -- numb in body but very much aware of "self" in mind (but not "out of body"). It feels like the FREEZE in terror response in the fight/flight/fawn/freeze response. It feels like how I would imagine Braveheart might feel in the closing scene of the movie where he's being disemboweled -- game over. It feels like an intense awareness of life with a heightened recognition that I've spent most of my daily life "asleep" on autopilot. It feels like a small child whose parents . . . the people who are most supposed to keep him safe and nurtured, are also a huge source of terror and anxiety.

I've always described these "panic attacks" when they occur as a "bad trip on acid" -- for me, no fear of a heart attack, suffocation or other physiological symptoms, but the fear of death, fear of going crazy, fear that it will never end" psychological terror aspects of "panic attacks." Unlike DP, I don't feel "out of body" . . . my awareness feels very much inside and located within my head. Unlike DR, I don't feel everything around me is "unreal," it all feels INTENSELY real, like I've been "checked out" my whole life, and I'm "waking up." It feels like what I would imagine a "spiritual awakening" to be, but waking up into a nightmare of awareness. It feels like a terror of reality I know, but forget. I often experience this state upon or shortly after literally waking up from sleeping (as others have noted).

So ya, not such a good feeling / sensation / experience. The first time I remember experiencing "hyper awareness" is when I was around 15 years old (laying in bed at night as I was trying to fall asleep. It stopped happening soon after (coincidentally?) I started drinking heavily. These "panic attacks" came back, hit hard, and would not cease when I was 20 / 21 years old. I was put on "psych meds" (drugs) for panic attacks, depression, and generalized anxiety. I believed that I had a "chemical imbalance" that the drugs were fixing (that's what I was told). Now I believe those "psych meds" / drugs to simply be drugs that numbed me. After having been on the drugs for 25 years, I've been going through the process of VERY SLOWLY getting off of them.

I think that's all the context I'll put here for now.

I recently wrote something in another forum (that I wrote before finding this thread) and I'm going to share it here about my "healing" the "hyper awareness." The other forum deals with getting off psych meds which as I said, I am doing. I took these drugs my entire adult life, and for me . . . with long term use anyway . . . they were a dead end (almost literally). I don't say this to scare people who are on them or thinking of taking them. And I will add that the meds (and alcohol use and many other "dissociative aids") probably saved my life in the short term. But for me, meds / drugs / medicators were not a "cure."

I have so much more to say . . . perhaps this will inspire me to do more writing and reaching out. For now, I'll just share what I wrote for that other website (edited slightly for context - italics). I'd like to find more folks out there who are experiencing "hyper reality" and are approaching "recovery" in ways similar to what I'm doing . . .

----------------------------------------------------

I'm still holding after my Benzo jump ["jump" = taking the last dose of Klonipin after incrementally reducing it for a long time to a very low dose], hanging in there, and I will continue to hold until I better stabilize (indefinitely). I have had some of the "panicky" DP/DR stuff arise which of course is really scary and uncomfortable . . . but the experience of it does seem overall to be shifting for me. In fact, there are times that it's very clear to me that this "hyper awareness / hyper reality" "panic" "DP/DR" (whatever it is I'm calling the existential terror) is rooted for me in trauma. There are times more frequently now that I have "altered state" stuff going on but it's not terror . . . it's more "blissful" or benign. I used to believe fully that when it came up, it was a nightmare reality I was "waking up" to that I'd never be able to handle (THE ABYSS). And I DEFINITELY believe that "shadow" work . . . facing the ABYSS, is essential to healing and to living. But now I view the "scary altered state" as *a perception of awakened reality that's enhanced through the lens of trauma*. And that reality can be viewed in other ways, too, such as AWE and CONNECTED-NESS and OK-NESS. I know as I get off these drugs and heal my childhood trauma, I will continue to experience less terror and more awe. When I'm "in" the terror (triggered) I can't see the larger picture very well and it's still definitely terrifying. But even then, I have a better sense more often now that the terror perspective of existence is NOT the only reality that awaits as I continue to "wake up."

OK a little tangent there haha. Tis OK 

Back to the taper . . . the first month of this hold [stopping the taper of my meds since discontinuing Klonopin] (holding for the month of April basically) I was rolling with things pretty well. Then, moving into May, of course I start to get into the "this is taking too damn long" arena and "OMG, I'm broken more than everyone else, this isn't working for me!" -- but I've mostly been able "watch my thoughts" to catch myself and not totally spin out. I have to say, I have hit some pretty rough spots, much worse than I have felt for a long time. I know it would have been "smarter" to take my benzo taper down lower, I just couldn't do be patient any longer. And this is just me, but a part inside me that I've grown to trust (my "inner kids" and "inner loving parent") just knew it was time to jump with the benzo and I did and I don't regret it. It was the right decision for me. I'm in a unique position that I have some money in the bank so I don't have to work right now . . . I don't have a partner or kids or other responsibilities that most adults have. I don't even have live plants at my house  I'm taking a "monk-like," "fast-track" approach to my psych drug withdrawal process. "Fast-track" is relative of course -- my med taper has taken about 2.5 years so far and I have still have half of my original dose of Zoloft left to go, but a "faster than generally recommended" [by the website I originally wrote this for]. In a sense, my life is on "hold" while others going through this process are trudging along and life continues. It makes sense that our approaches to healing will be different.

OK, more "rambling" . . .

I am becoming more alive. My feelings feel HUGE! My senses are so much more acute! It's very intense, and "hyper-real" at times (oftentimes negative and scary, but again, sometimes very much not, now). I refer to the process of acclimating to these increased sensations / feelings as "desensitization." And while I can describe and discuss this process in physiological terms (and that language is important . . . withdrawal, neurotransmitters, neurons), I'm also understanding what I'm doing using many other languages such as "awakening," "healing trauma," "self care," "boundaries," "releasing behavioral addictions / medicators," "coming out of dissociation," etc. These psych drugs we are dealing with affect my brain . . . entire reality, and in "detoxing" my reality is shifting. My living experience is effected day in and day out in this process. So while I am "tapering" in the physiological sense, I am also "detoxing and desensitizing" (tapering) in an experiential sense. I am coming out of a lifetime of dissociation, that I learned to do beginning as a small child, and that I eventually reinforced with adaptive/survival behaviors and by ingesting chemicals including psych drugs.

All these "psych meds" (drugs) effect the neurotransmitters in my body very much like street drugs. In my view, they are essentially the same thing . . . aids to help dissociate. Stimulants distract and depressants numb, both = dissociation. All are "addictive" in that the brain adjusts to their regular use and has to "readjust" when use discontinues (thus, bad term prognosis for long-term use . . . they stop "distracting" and "numbing" like they used to). The various drugs work differently in the brain, but the end effect is "checking out" in different ways from a fully human experience of reality. So hell ya, tapering these drugs is really important to give the brain time to heal from a physiological perspective ("cold turkey / quick stopping of the drugs = re-traumatization). But I also need to "taper" from an experiential standpoint . . . I need enough time to adjust to my "shifting reality" so that I don't get experientially "flooded" (re-traumatized).

My journey involves releasing a butt ton of direct chemical medicators (alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, Remeron, Klonopin . . . and still left, some Zoloft). But my journey also involves "tapering" off all my behavioral medicators which help me distract and numb as much as the external drugs have. Some of my behavioral medicators include rescuing, people pleasing, codependency, achievement, etc (some might describe these as "beliefs" or "thinking patterns" but in my experience, they're roots go much deeper than the conscious level). When I use the behavioral medicators, I'm just reaching for the shelves of the INTERNAL drugs store as opposed to the EXTERNAL drugs store. But ALL of these "intoxicants" have served one single purpose . . . to keep me disconnected from myself (my feelings, my "inner kids"). Well, I got to a point in my life I just couldn't run away from myself anymore. My body, mind and spirit were completely exhausted and I was completely lost in "addiction." So now, my focus is "detox and desensitize" (taper), both physiologically and experientially. This takes time. It's not easy. It's painful.

I don't know that I'm "right" with my approach in ways that I can recommend the things I'm doing to others, but I'm feeling increasingly alive and congruent within myself and with the world around me. I'm continuing my involvement and my communal healing process through the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) program in my area where I live. I can't even put words to the mind-blowing shifts I'm having as I learn a new way to live in "recovery" . . . freeing myself not only from direct chemical addiction and harm, but also behavioral. I journal a LOT, and perhaps some day I'll be in a place that I can share more of my experience and ideas with others in much more cohesive ways. For now, I periodically ramble, and I need very much NOT to get too wrapped up in other peoples' recovery and indulging in my "rescuer," "people pleasing," and "achievement" medicators!  But I do want to try and lend support as I can.

And for anyone that reads this . . . JUST HOLD ON when your "little flame" inside gets most dim. I thought many times my "little light" had completely gone out . . . that I had let it blow out, or even worse, that I myself had killed it . . . only to re-discover a bit later that it was still flickering softly, and always has been.


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