# am i really real?



## neonsoph (Jan 14, 2011)

I am new to this 
and it is freaking scary
13th of October it all started and ive had good days and bad days
my therapist tells me that its my little girl just figuring out that she was real, that after all the abuse that happened that she told herself she wasn't real and now she is realizing that she is real and its just confusing. she is a kind woman.
i wrote a poem, and i just try and take it day by day. and when i loose the real i try to just know that my little girl is here, and that we have to figure it out together, and that although i don't know if my hand is actually my hand, i have no idea how i know how to drive or dress or shower or anything.

Am I really real?
No one to stop this fucking scream
no way for her to be really real, 
It's so fucking loud this screaming yell
This little girl has been in hell 
But maybe not, the bigger Me, 
is screaming down at little she, 
maybe you are crazy mad 
and she wasn't really really bad, 
she was everything I yell
she was good and I have fell, 
I trip and tumble falling down 
this fucked up argument of what and how, 
I'm trapped here and there 
With missing parts 
my heart and ease
Are torn apart
my inner ease it's gone to hell 
Was i ever a Me? I yell
there was never me, I fell
It's fucking shit 
it's no way out 
it's enough I say! 
I fucking shout
Am I really real? 
I want to yell
Am I here inside this fucked up hell?
am I really real? 
am I really true?
am I really here?
I'm asking you! 
can you tell me how I made it here ?
can you tell my whether your really near ?
I'm begging you to tell the truth 
to tell me if I'm really true
that I'm this person 
I am this truth, 
I'm not in two 
it's fucked so up, 
and so confused
I'm really always
shattered through

thanks for all your posts and information, its helpful
Soph


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Wow I understand. This is truly a magnificent piece of work.


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## neonsoph (Jan 14, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Wow I understand. This is truly a magnificent piece of work.


It seems i have to live with this, my therapist has told me somethings that have helped me, but its like sometimes nothing works, or sometimes it just shocks me, like when i cry, all of a sudden i am lost and nothing i do seems to get it back and I will ask people, am i real? am i real? But the things that she has said which have been helpful at times when i am by myself, when i catch my reflection in the mirror and don't recognize myself, when i am driving She tells me that my little girl, when all of the abuse was happening didn't know she was real, and she is just realizing now that she was real and it feels weird, but if you can just hold it, just care for her, now that she is here, when that happens your little girl is just trying to integrate back in. The other thing she has said is that when I am really stressed and emotional that it is like my brain just trying to have a break, that its just protecting me from all of what happened.
those things have helped when i am in control
thanks for your message.
Soph


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## doublemint (Jan 20, 2011)

I think we must be twins. My therapist explains it in a fairly similar way. It's so shitty and awful.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

neonsoph said:


> It seems i have to live with this, my therapist has told me somethings that have helped me, but its like sometimes nothing works, or sometimes it just shocks me, like when i cry, all of a sudden i am lost and nothing i do seems to get it back and I will ask people, am i real? am i real? But the things that she has said which have been helpful at times when i am by myself, when i catch my reflection in the mirror and don't recognize myself, when i am driving She tells me that my little girl, when all of the abuse was happening didn't know she was real, and she is just realizing now that she was real and it feels weird, but if you can just hold it, just care for her, now that she is here, when that happens your little girl is just trying to integrate back in. The other thing she has said is that when I am really stressed and emotional that it is like my brain just trying to have a break, that its just protecting me from all of what happened.
> those things have helped when i am in control
> thanks for your message.
> Soph


You really have a gift for writing. Keep it up, write some more. Here is something I wrote...


> http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/22352-faces-at-the-psych-ward/


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## neonsoph (Jan 14, 2011)

surfingisfun001 said:


> You really have a gift for writing. Keep it up, write some more. Here is something I wrote...


hey there
its good to see that im not alone in this, and that others have similar experiences,
In the days before my first dp episode, so funny to call it dp,, I call it my no real thing.. Poetry and writing have been my saviour over the past months, since i started dealing with what happened when i was little, your words speak to what I am going thru too... thank you for that and your kind words... I wrote this poem called racing, my dp is not drug induced its pain induced and today has been a horror, This poem i wrote just before my first full blown depersonalisation episode and it was like i was racing to this line of crazy, it was weird and when i finally fell down the hole it was terrible, I don't know why today has been so bad, but its like worse than normal today, i am in australia where are you?
Racing...
I'm racing always racing
trying not to loose
hoping, trying to fake it
always try'n to prove
that I am not so crazy
that I can live my life
that I can face this truth
and come out feeling right
but it is going to beat me now
I can feel it closing in
coz coming close in second
is the other little me
she's crying for attention
she's freaking out alright
she's trying to be heard
all the fucking night
she wants my damn attention
she's clinging to my speed
she's racing round the corner
trying to beat her Me
she's going to get there first
she's scrambling to the line
she's going to do me in
her vile is set on fire
she's going to fucking kill me
with her truth, her pain, her shrill
and I don't have the will 
to do her in the spill
she's crying and she's screaming
she's wanting to be heard
she's beating and she's real
she's dying to get there first
and prove that's it's the deal
she's holding on my arm
Shes taking all my strength
Shes showing all my harm
and it seems so little will
so little I have to give her
so nothing is my way
so little for her bill
her need is so compressing
her pain is just so great
we are not going to finish
or cross the fucking line
coz we are in a battle
and no ones going to win
I'm spent I can't survive
this load that she is holding
this pain that's so so great
its going to take us under
its going to make our fate
its never going to end
this torture we went though
and now its time to say enough
its time to say adieu
I'm not sorry it is ending,
I'm not sorry I can't make it too
I'm gasping for the breath
the breathing without this bruise
There is this bigger panic
of being little her
Its like the adult little me
is bursting through
the hurt and bloody fear
that panic is complete
her breath is tight and shallow
coz she is just so pressing
and there isn't room for two
there isn't room for both of us
no time, no space or rule
its crazy and its over
my life I'm just a fool
I've tried to keep us up
I've tried to stay afloat
but craziness is winning
there water in this boat
I'm tired and I'm hurting
I've played my hand as well
and we are just too heavy 
to float in this fucking hell
I've tried to figure out
how to take the pain away
to turn and face the anger
to make it sound okay
but there is just no way
that I can do this any more
the line is just a figment
and it's so far, and so I fall


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

My 'no-real thing' is also pain induced. The words you've written speak volume. If you feel comfortable sharing, I'd like to hear your story. If not I understand. Send me a PM. I am in the USA. Write me back.

The worlds passing me by
while my brain is stuck in the sky
Like a rat I've entered a maze in my mind
Time is distorted, distorted is time. 
For every yin there is a yang
and I seem stuck in the middle. 
There is no longer up
and no longer down
I'm holdin' my head above water
tryin' not to drown
Stuck servin' sandwiches
while everyone else has left town
My smile is no longer a smile
but the opposite of an upside down frown
Like a dog without a bone
I've become a fallen down rolling stone 
Fell through heaven and into hell 
Devil's taken my pride but my soul is not for sell


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## shay143 (Jan 21, 2011)

neonsoph said:


> It seems i have to live with this, my therapist has told me somethings that have helped me, but its like sometimes nothing works, or sometimes it just shocks me, like when i cry, all of a sudden i am lost and nothing i do seems to get it back and I will ask people, am i real? am i real? But the things that she has said which have been helpful at times when i am by myself, when i catch my reflection in the mirror and don't recognize myself, when i am driving She tells me that my little girl, when all of the abuse was happening didn't know she was real, and she is just realizing now that she was real and it feels weird, but if you can just hold it, just care for her, now that she is here, when that happens your little girl is just trying to integrate back in. The other thing she has said is that when I am really stressed and emotional that it is like my brain just trying to have a break, that its just protecting me from all of what happened.
> those things have helped when i am in control
> thanks for your message.
> Soph


I can completly relate to what you wrote! My therapist has me on a similiar path. I feel like my inner child is trying to get my attention sometimes but I have so much guilt around it that I haven't went there too much yet. I'm fearful of the process of trying to integrate her back in but also thankful that there is a name to what I feel and a process that can bring healing. I don't get very emotional over it, but I think I would if I could stay connected long enough. your poem is great, I wish I could find some of the ones I wrote. I think writing poems is a great way to express whats inside, sometimes the only way maybe. I was thinking last night that I might go buy my inner child a teddy bear one day this week. A peace offering of sorts for ignoring her cries for help so long. Keep posting, I look forward to hearing more about your journey







Shay


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