# Your experience of DP and/or DR



## InfantileAdult (Feb 1, 2011)

Hi there, I'm new to the forum. 18 years old, suffering from clinical depression and possibly anxiety. The worse thing though, is my DP and DR. Below is my experience of it, and I'd like to hear yours too.

I don't feel like I'm really here, it's like being in a dream all the time, and my brain feels foggy. I often forget things, even in the middle of doing them and am often confused. I can't concentrate or relax, I'm always restless. Colours aren't bright, food tastes bland, I feel suffocated. It feels as if seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, life is disappearing behind me. Like a aeroplane trail. I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. It freaks the hell out of me. I forget things a lot, or I know things have happened, but they don't feel like they happened to me. It feels like there's a glass pane between me and the world, and that I'm just watching things happen, passively. My dreams are weird now, as well. I often zone out in the middle of doing things and I can't properly remember things. Reality seems fake and unreal, and I feel distant and unfocused. My vision seems bad, as if I'm looking at things but not really seeing them. I try to focus on things, books, people, photographs; but I can't see them properly. I feel like I'm blind, yet I know I can see. I feel so hazy, like a hologram and sometimes my body doesn't feel like it's mine. My Mum doesn't feel like she's my Mum. I look at photos of me and don't feel like it's me. I'm so detached from everything. I feel, but I don't. I often don't feel like I recognise my surroundings, even if I consciously do. My bedroom doesn't feel like it's mine, but yet I know it is. I am a stranger to myself.

It's a living hell. I wonder if I'll ever be able to actually FEEL like I'm alive again.


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## samiam (Jan 28, 2011)

Hi Im new as well, I just read your expirence and it closely relates to mine, I was wondering if yours is chronic because thats what I have it doesnt come in episodes the difference that I guess I have frm u is that I am able to feel my emotions, but everything else is really numb and feels I'm far far away from everyone and everything observing from the back of my mind. I see myself move hear my own voice and it sounds so foreign liek someone recorded me speaking and is playing it back to me and its like I sound like that? I cant recognize or feel myself when I look into the mirror, of course I know its me! of course I know who my family is but I cannot feel them or myself. How are you able to cope everyday? I am 23 I got this over a year ago my life completely fell apart I don't really ahve much of a life anymore. Are you able to do things like school and function? I hope for the same..for this to lift up or more like someone pull my forward back into reality and shatter this window pane in front of me that separates me from everything. I sometimes wonder if I was wrongly diagnosed if this is due to my meds..or lupus.


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## InfantileAdult (Feb 1, 2011)

bixin said:


> Hi Im new as well, I just read your expirence and it closely relates to mine, I was wondering if yours is chronic because thats what I have it doesnt come in episodes the difference that I guess I have frm u is that I am able to feel my emotions, but everything else is really numb and feels I'm far far away from everyone and everything observing from the back of my mind. I see myself move hear my own voice and it sounds so foreign liek someone recorded me speaking and is playing it back to me and its like I sound like that? I cant recognize or feel myself when I look into the mirror, of course I know its me! of course I know who my family is but I cannot feel them or myself. How are you able to cope everyday? I am 23 I got this over a year ago my life completely fell apart I don't really ahve much of a life anymore. Are you able to do things like school and function? I hope for the same..for this to lift up or more like someone pull my forward back into reality and shatter this window pane in front of me that separates me from everything. I sometimes wonder if I was wrongly diagnosed if this is due to my meds..or lupus.


Mine is chronic, yes. I can feel my emotions but they feel sort of distant. You sound a lot like me. Truth is darling, I don't cope. I cut, to cope, but I fall apart nearly every day. I can barely function, I dropped out of college and I ended up losing my job because my short term memory has been almost eradicated by DP and DR. I love that line 'shatter this window pane in front of me that separates me from everything'. I'm sorry you're going through this too x


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

InfantileAdult said:


> Hi there, I'm new to the forum. 18 years old, suffering from clinical depression and possibly anxiety. The worse thing though, is my DP and DR. Below is my experience of it, and I'd like to hear yours too.
> 
> I don't feel like I'm really here, it's like being in a dream all the time, and *my brain feels foggy. *I often forget things, even in the middle of doing them and am often confused. I can't concentrate or relax, I'm always restless. Colours aren't bright, food tastes bland, I feel suffocated. It feels as if seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, life is disappearing behind me. Like a aeroplane trail. I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. It freaks the hell out of me. I forget things a lot, or I know things have happened, but they don't feel like they happened to me. *It feels like there's a glass pane between me and the world, and that I'm just watching things happen, passively.* My dreams are weird now, as well. I often zone out in the middle of doing things and I can't properly remember things. Reality seems fake and unreal, and I feel distant and unfocused. *My vision seems bad, as if I'm looking at things but not really seeing them. I try to focus on things, books, people, photographs; but I can't see them properly. I feel like I'm blind, yet I know I can see. I feel so hazy, *like a hologram and sometimes my body doesn't feel like it's mine. My Mum doesn't feel like she's my Mum. I look at photos of me and don't feel like it's me. I'm so detached from everything. I feel, but I don't. *I often don't feel like I recognise my surroundings, even if I consciously do. *My bedroom doesn't feel like it's mine, but yet I know it is. I am a stranger to myself.
> 
> *It's a living hell. I wonder if I'll ever be able to actually FEEL like I'm alive again.*


Welcome. I feel like i could have written this post myself, especially the passages I bolded.


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## christy (Dec 19, 2010)

bixin said:


> Hi Im new as well, I just read your expirence and it closely relates to mine, I was wondering if yours is chronic because thats what I have it doesnt come in episodes the difference that I guess I have frm u is that I am able to feel my emotions, but everything else is really numb and feels I'm far far away from everyone and everything observing from the back of my mind. I see myself move hear my own voice and it sounds so foreign liek someone recorded me speaking and is playing it back to me and its like I sound like that? I cant recognize or feel myself when I look into the mirror, of course I know its me! of course I know who my family is but I cannot feel them or myself. How are you able to cope everyday? I am 23 I got this over a year ago my life completely fell apart I don't really ahve much of a life anymore. Are you able to do things like school and function? I hope for the same..for this to lift up or more like someone pull my forward back into reality and shatter this window pane in front of me that separates me from everything. I sometimes wonder if I was wrongly diagnosed if this is due to my meds..or lupus.


Wow, hi Bixin, I was reading through these posts and saw that you have lupus. I also have lupus. I'm 22, and have had chronic DR for the past ten years.. and I also desperately want to shatter this window pane in front of me. Just curious, why do you think you were wrongly diagnosed because of your lupus? Do you feel as if your DR and lupus are intertwined? Did your DR start as soon as your lupus did?
I know that a symptom of lupus is brain fog. But in my experiences (at least), brain fog is TOTALLY different from DR. For me, DR was something so strong, it was almost physical. It was as if I were suddenly plunged into a dream, or underwater. People seemed like robots, my emotions were numbed, I felt as if I were stuck in a movie and nothing was truly happening to ME.
Brain fog, on the other hand, was something much more "cognitive," if that makes sense. With DR, it was hard for me to focus and perceive my surroundings. With brain fog, it felt hard to process my thoughts. When I first started the meds for lupus, the brain fog got even worse. But then after a couple weeks, it got better.
So of course, having DR and lupus is like being hit with a double whammy. I was diagnosed with lupus a couple years ago, and have been trekking along. I did well in school but lately it was all too much for me. The DR, the depression... I couldn't handle it, so I took a leave of absence from college. Please let me know how you are doing, I would really like to know your experiences.


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## InfantileAdult (Feb 1, 2011)

insaticiable said:


> Welcome. I feel like i could have written this post myself, especially the passages I bolded.


Thank you very much for replying, it helps to know someone else knows what I am experiencing because people tend not to understand. I find myself wondering, though, if ANYONE feels alive? I mean, obviously not everyone has DP/DR but does anyone feel alive or is everyone just dead in this world? I have this theory that, because of the sensory overloads in modern society, our brains shut down a little. But us ones with DP/DR, because we're more aware, and intelligent, than most average humans, it scares us whereas for everyone else, it's just normal.

Anyone agree?


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

InfantileAdult said:


> Hi there, I'm new to the forum. 18 years old, suffering from clinical depression and possibly anxiety. The worse thing though, is my DP and DR. Below is my experience of it, and I'd like to hear yours too.
> 
> I don't feel like I'm really here, it's like being in a dream all the time, and my brain feels foggy. I often forget things, even in the middle of doing them and am often confused. I can't concentrate or relax, I'm always restless. Colours aren't bright, food tastes bland, I feel suffocated. It feels as if seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, life is disappearing behind me. Like a aeroplane trail. I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself. It freaks the hell out of me. I forget things a lot, or I know things have happened, but they don't feel like they happened to me. It feels like there's a glass pane between me and the world, and that I'm just watching things happen, passively. My dreams are weird now, as well. I often zone out in the middle of doing things and I can't properly remember things. Reality seems fake and unreal, and I feel distant and unfocused. My vision seems bad, as if I'm looking at things but not really seeing them. I try to focus on things, books, people, photographs; but I can't see them properly. I feel like I'm blind, yet I know I can see. I feel so hazy, like a hologram and sometimes my body doesn't feel like it's mine. My Mum doesn't feel like she's my Mum. I look at photos of me and don't feel like it's me. I'm so detached from everything. I feel, but I don't. I often don't feel like I recognise my surroundings, even if I consciously do. My bedroom doesn't feel like it's mine, but yet I know it is. I am a stranger to myself.
> 
> It's a living hell. I wonder if I'll ever be able to actually FEEL like I'm alive again.


How did it all start for you? Do you think you know the cause? How long have you been suffering?


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## InfantileAdult (Feb 1, 2011)

Visual Dude said:


> How did it all start for you? Do you think you know the cause? How long have you been suffering?


I can't pin point an exact time but I think it's been about six months or so. I think mine stems from my clinical depression and I possibly have a mild case of anxiety too.


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## samiam (Jan 28, 2011)

christy said:


> Wow, hi Bixin, I was reading through these posts and saw that you have lupus. I also have lupus. I'm 22, and have had chronic DR for the past ten years.. and I also desperately want to shatter this window pane in front of me. Just curious, why do you think you were wrongly diagnosed because of your lupus? Do you feel as if your DR and lupus are intertwined? Did your DR start as soon as your lupus did?
> I know that a symptom of lupus is brain fog. But in my experiences (at least), brain fog is TOTALLY different from DR. For me, DR was something so strong, it was almost physical. It was as if I were suddenly plunged into a dream, or underwater. People seemed like robots, my emotions were numbed, I felt as if I were stuck in a movie and nothing was truly happening to ME.
> Brain fog, on the other hand, was something much more "cognitive," if that makes sense. With DR, it was hard for me to focus and perceive my surroundings. With brain fog, it felt hard to process my thoughts. When I first started the meds for lupus, the brain fog got even worse. But then after a couple weeks, it got better.
> So of course, having DR and lupus is like being hit with a double whammy. I was diagnosed with lupus a couple years ago, and have been trekking along. I did well in school but lately it was all too much for me. The DR, the depression... I couldn't handle it, so I took a leave of absence from college. Please let me know how you are doing, I would really like to know your experiences.


Hi wow I'm really surprised I found someone with Lupus on here =) (not a happy smiling face more relieved), I honestly was going to leave that part out of my post but decided to put it anyway in case there were others with Lupus with this and I guess I found one! I've had lupus since 2005 was diagnosed. Yes brain fog I am really upset that none of my rheumatologist never really told me Lupus could affect you cognitively. Its called neuropschiatric Lupus and Lupus could basically attack your CNS but there isnt a criteria to measure it yet. It could also be due to medications like anti malaria etc. I take Chroloquine not sure if its possibly from that. Anyway this is what really really fucked up is that if we didnt have LUPUS we could totally rule it out that its from that and just focus on it being a mental disorder...its so messed up having to be hit with DPD possibly and also having Lupus you immune system alway wanting to attack you. My life right now..I mentioned in the post earlier i think right now I am currently not in school, its been about over a year now that I had to drop out of the university when I came down with this I thought it was due to my meds I was on lorazapam for sleep and anxiety. So i felt drugged up all the time and it never left since Jan last year. The first couple of months I started to really break down and become suicidal not having a life, not being able to go to school, not being able to work or even drive and have your parents take care of you like your an infant I was 22 at the time. My whole identity was being a student and working, I was so lost after I lost everything. I had to be hospitalized and was part of a hositialization program to help deal with stress and anxiety. No one ever ever mentioned that I coud possibly have DPD I just learned of it recently this year January my doctor decided to evaluate me again and said this possibly something I have, then my therapist diagnosed me with it. For over a fucking year I was in circles what is this from? Lupus? meds? anxiety? no one could tell me. I saw alot of doctors its a living hell. I don't know how I am here to today. Currently right now I am in a group therapy program and also I am looking for a small PT job minimal attention I'm not even sure I would be able to do it...but I cant stay stuck at home! I do a lot of Yoga and its the only way I could exercise because of thE Lupus I highly recommend it! its really disorienting though when your suppose to feel each body part because you can't your just numb. but yeah..thats kind of my life right now. Can u tell me how you've been coping how long have you been sick with DP?

Also I dont really know much of how Lupus could affect your CNS or much about Lupus fog Im goign to see a new rheumy to see if this could be one. Do you know much of this?


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## christy (Dec 19, 2010)

bixin said:


> Hi wow I'm really surprised I found someone with Lupus on here =) (not a happy smiling face more relieved), I honestly was going to leave that part out of my post but decided to put it anyway in case there were others with Lupus with this and I guess I found one! I've had lupus since 2005 was diagnosed. Yes brain fog I am really upset that none of my rheumatologist never really told me Lupus could affect you cognitively. Its called neuropschiatric Lupus and Lupus could basically attack your CNS but there isnt a criteria to measure it yet. It could also be due to medications like anti malaria etc. I take Chroloquine not sure if its possibly from that. Anyway this is what really really fucked up is that if we didnt have LUPUS we could totally rule it out that its from that and just focus on it being a mental disorder...its so messed up having to be hit with DPD possibly and also having Lupus you immune system alway wanting to attack you. My life right now..I mentioned in the post earlier i think right now I am currently not in school, its been about over a year now that I had to drop out of the university when I came down with this I thought it was due to my meds I was on lorazapam for sleep and anxiety. So i felt drugged up all the time and it never left since Jan last year. The first couple of months I started to really break down and become suicidal not having a life, not being able to go to school, not being able to work or even drive and have your parents take care of you like your an infant I was 22 at the time. My whole identity was being a student and working, I was so lost after I lost everything. I had to be hospitalized and was part of a hositialization program to help deal with stress and anxiety. No one ever ever mentioned that I coud possibly have DPD I just learned of it recently this year January my doctor decided to evaluate me again and said this possibly something I have, then my therapist diagnosed me with it. For over a fucking year I was in circles what is this from? Lupus? meds? anxiety? no one could tell me. I saw alot of doctors its a living hell. I don't know how I am here to today. Currently right now I am in a group therapy program and also I am looking for a small PT job minimal attention I'm not even sure I would be able to do it...but I cant stay stuck at home! I do a lot of Yoga and its the only way I could exercise because of thE Lupus I highly recommend it! its really disorienting though when your suppose to feel each body part because you can't your just numb. but yeah..thats kind of my life right now. Can u tell me how you've been coping how long have you been sick with DP?
> 
> Also I dont really know much of how Lupus could affect your CNS or much about Lupus fog Im goign to see a new rheumy to see if this could be one. Do you know much of this?


I am also so relieved to have found you









I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. For me, I've had DR for about 10 years. It was caused by a traumatic childhood. I remember waking up one day, and it was as if my environment had shifted. Everything felt like a dream. My life was so awful, my brain had to separate me from my environment. I suffered in silence, in hell, for years. Finally in highschool, I summed up the courage to see a therapist. She listened to my symptoms for about five minutes. Then she told my mom I didn't have DR. She pretty much said I "looked" and "acted" too "normal" for sometimes to have this disorder. God I hate that woman. My mom believed her, and I sank back into suffering in silence. I recently started therapy again, but quit, because no therapist seems to understand. My DR has gotten progressively worse over the years, and In my most desolate moments I am afraid this will never go away. The only thing keeping me going is this shrivel of hope I have left.

When I was 19 I was diagnosed with lupus. At that time, I wasn't too depressed, just numb, but after being diagnosed I sank into total despair. I mean, I was mentally fucked up, the last thing i had was my physical health, and now that went out the window. I'm now on plaquenil. What are your main symptoms? Mine started off as bright red rashes all across my face and arms, joint pain, and sun sensitivity. However the plaquenil has really helped with all of that. Now all I experience mainly is fatigue (and I have some scars across my face, but makeup helps).

I totally understand about having to leave school... at first I was nervous about doing it, but then I realized tons of people take leaves of absences for all sorts of reasons. Even so, I've felt lost, depressed, and sometimes suicidal, because yes my ENTIRE entity was also wrapped up in being a student. (My leave of absence just started last month). I am trying to learn how to relax, but it's hard. Is it the depression that is preventing you from looking for a job? I also want to look for some sort of low-maintenance job, but so far, nothing's turned up. I hate searching, but working would be better than staying at home all day watching South Park reruns (which is what I've been doing). I was exercising for a while but lately I've just felt too depressed to. I am so glad to hear you are doing yoga though!! I heard that really helps.

From what I know, brain fog revolves mainly around an inability to concentrate, forgetting things, or difficulty processing information. I've never heard about anyone having DP/DR-specific symptoms with brain fog, but maybe brain fog manifests itself differently for everyone? When you read the symptoms of DP/DR, do things just "click?" For me that's what happened. I was 12 or so, searching the internet, and when I came across for a website about DR I just immediately KNEW that was what I had.

Just to throw this out.. I've also suffered from a phobically gut-wrenching fear of hell, and I currently struggle with compulsive eating. Raised by a single mom, no sibs, horrific childhood. Just wondering if any of this also rings with you? What was the main trigger of your depression/anxiety?

I wish you all the best.


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