# My Story & This forum does so much harm



## LeaveThisForum (Jan 13, 2010)

Hello!

Firstly, please do not bother reading this or replying to this if you are going to say something negative. DP/DR sufferers recover with positivity!

I have been lurking these boards occasionally for a while now. This board is simply another part in the anxiety > DP/DR cycle and it is harming people and hampering their recovery - I know this because this is what it did to me. It is filled with negativity, people posting about how you will never recover and how they have suffered for X amount of years. It is filled with, "I have learned to cope" mentality instead of "I have recovered" mentality. The truth is, EVERYONE WHO HAS DP/DR CAN RECOVER AND MOST DO! You simply do not see it on this forum. Why? Because you cannot recover if you are always on this forum, feeding the anxiety and DP/DR cycle.

This forum needs RECOVERY STORIES from people who have recovered - positivity, not negative trains of thought. Recovery is like a positive feedback cycle but this forum stomps all positive feedback into the dirt.

I know all this for a fact. Let me tell you my story.

I got DP/DR from a bad drug trip but recovered within a week. It was a horrific and frightening experience for me and looking back on it I had a panic attack right in the middle of the trip; I had never done hallucinogens before (and have never since!). After the trip, I got all the DP/DR symptoms we know about and it scared me - it REALLY scared me. I didn't know what it was, I didn't know about DP/DR at this point and I thought I had trapped myself in some alternative world. I began to worry that night and just went to bed, trying not to think much of it. I woke up and after a few minutes remembered the previous days events and the panic hit me all over again. Thus the anxiety > DP/DR continued that day. I spent the whole day thinking, "this is it, I'm done for. I have lost my mind". I decided to go on a forum dedicated to the drug I did and post for help there. I got very good replies, they were all so pleasant and helpful and said they had experienced the exact same thing when they first did the drug and that they came out fine after a short while. I didn't know the labels DP/DR at this time (and that's all they are, labels - not a condition) and spurred on by their assurance that they too had experienced these weird feelings, I felt sure I would recover.

This is what this forum needs more than anything - reassurance! Not a comparison of suffering times, not a list of replies saying "I'm still not better" - reassurance and to be told about how many millions of people have gotten over DP/DR. This lets the positive feedback cycle begin.

Anyway, as a day or two went by the feelings of DP/DR subsided as my anxiety went down. I realised that the anxiety was worse than the DP/DR, which I called "the side effects of the drug" at this point. As the anxiety reduced, the symptoms of it went away completely (including DP/DR), with no trace of DP/DR for 6 months until I was dumb enough to try hard drugs once more.

I did a very powerful and unknown stimulant. It gave me a bad, anxious comedown and I had a panic attack at about 7am after being up all night from taking it. Now this was the turning point, I chose to go online and read about the drug I had taken the next day (still feeling anxious / panicky from the comedown) and I read things like: "totally unknown"; "reported deaths"; "weird side effects". This started my anxiety cycle, I thought about nothing else for two days, was VERY anxious and then the DP/DR hit me. I thought, "Oh crap not this again" and panicked. My anxiety > DP cycle was started, fueled by the fact that I had nobody to talk to about this unknown drug and that I had no idea why this was happening or what it was. Four weeks after I was still suffering and I accidentally stumbled upon wikipedias "Depersonalization" article and I realised that that was what I had been suffering from. I read the very negative wiki article on DPD, which was written by a bunch of wannabee psychologists with no real experience of how the condition felt, and my cycle of anxiety > DP/DR had lots of fuel to continue.

I found this forum, with lots of people who had been DP/DP'ed for years. See the contrast between my last experience? Last time, I was reassured and told by people who had gone through this that it would pass. Now, I was faced with people who had had it for years. Even worse, it had a name and was apparently a "disorder" (which it isn't, it is a habit of thought and an anxiety symptom). I decided I couldn't read anymore and left, but with all those horrible thoughts in my mind. Had I had the same reassurance and help as I did from people the first time, it would have ended in a few days had I allowed it to pass while keeping myself occupied.

Now, ten weeks on from when I got DP'ed, I am only starting to get better. I realise now that once the anxiety is gone, so is the DP. My past experience has told me that. I only last week, about 10 days ago, I got the LindenMethod (I may or may not have paid, naughty!) and have been following it. Hell, I was almost symptom / anxiety free until I drank a few pints (awful for an anxiety sufferer btw) and came to this forum. The combination started my anxiety again and the DR, which was bothering my only a few times a day now, returned with greater frequency.

Listening - this forum needs a sticky with nothing but recovery stories. That and a thread explaining why they are feeling these awful symptoms will help more than 10,000 pages of negativity.

You know why there's a lack of recovery stories and information about DP/DR online? Because whenever you recover from DP, you cannot remember what it feels like to be DP'ed. You can describe it, but you CANNOT "feel" it like you can now. It is no longer there and you look back and think, "I'm glad that's over as it scared me at the time but now I can't help feel I was being a bit over reactive". I never bothered reading up on what happened to me the first time because I didn't care as it was gone. Literally everyone that spoke to me the first time had experienced DP/DR for days after their first trip, but they didn't feed into it and never felt it again - there is a huge amount of people who have recovered from DP that you don't hear of because they don't know what it was or don't care.

Lastly, you will recover. Just get off these boards!!!!!!! They feed the habit. Go buy the www.dpmanual.com book and do as it says. Stop searching the internet, talking about your condition and it will go in time.

PS. Do not reply to this thread unless you have something positive to say! Please!


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## Guest (Jan 14, 2010)

This is the Depersonalization Self Help Forum. It's a supportive forum, and that's the way it should be. We are all here to help each other through DP/DR. And I for one have only found this forum helpful. Considering that for 6 years I thought I was all alone with these feelings, finding people to relate to helped me with depression a TON!


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## LeaveThisForum (Jan 13, 2010)

Hi ThoughtsonFire, thanks for replying.

Please note that I didn't intend to offend anyone and I think I wrote quite politely. This forum made me realise I was not alone too which was nice but I believe so many lurkers read this stuff and it starts them on the spiral.


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## Guest (Jan 14, 2010)

I think that both of you are right. There were days when my dp was at its worst that I wanted to kill myself. Coming here and being able to talk to people who understood were what kept me going. I also learned invaluable things from people who were going through recovery that have set me on the path to recovery myself.
On the other hand, I do agree that you need to not be on here every day or even many times a day. There are definitely way more negative than positive posts and I got sucked into it. I was on here hours and hours every day and just kept reading how people had dp for years and how no medication worked for them and then there are the people who post that they are recovering but never seem to actually recover and for me, it does set off massive anxiety. Once I stopped coming here all of the time and MADE myself get out of bed, get dressed, and leave the house, I started to recover. 2 days before Christmas I still was unable to get out of bed because my dp/dr were so bad. By New Years I was able to dance and laugh. January 4 I started college full time and have been able to make 4 hour long car trips by myself. Yes, I have to be on benzos to do ANY of this but the originator of this post is correct that dwelling on dp and obsessing it is only FEEDING it. For me, one day I woke up and told myself "NO. I REFUSE to sit around and obsess about how I am feeling" and made an effort to physically push it out of my mind. Every time I noticed my symptoms I would stop and actually tell myself no, that I refused to give into it, and then would push it out and go on. I found that painting and making jewelry really helped me. They made my mind focus. Refusing to acknowledge dp has gotten easier and easier each day. With that, the severity of my dp/dr has lessened a great deal. I would says that maybe 5% of the time I feel dp and 99% of the time I still have dr but it's mild. I honestly do feel that I am on the road to recovery and what it took was making up my mind to no longer give dp what it needed to feed off of. I am recovered probably 75% in a little over 3 weeks. 
In closing I just wanted to say that something I have realized that is probably hindering the rest of my recover is that I have decided to live under a label. I have decided to live under the umbrella of Depersonalization Disorder and that has made me think of myself as sick and broken and given me license to think that there is a chance I may never recover. It also has given me license to limit myself because "I can't do this or that because of my disorder". That just isn't the truth. Dp isn't a disorder and it isn't an illness. It is a natural defense mechanism of your brain. We are not sick. We do not have any illness and therefore nothing needs to be cured. Our brain is functioning differently than before, yes, but the truth is that dp in and of itself is your brain trying to protect you and help you heal from the trauma that triggered it in the first place. It allows you to process small bits of information a little at a time because processing the entire trauma at once is more than you would be able to handle and you would in fact, probably go insane. Dp is a good thing. NOT a BAD thing. Be so careful that you don't get caught in that trap.


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## weedDPeedMe (Dec 12, 2009)

LeaveThisForum said:


> Hi ThoughtsonFire, thanks for replying.
> 
> Please note that I didn't intend to offend anyone and I think I wrote quite politely. This forum made me realise I was not alone too which was nice but I believe so many lurkers read this stuff and it starts them on the spiral.


LeaveThisForum I totally AGREE WITH YOU!! In-fact I would like to thank you for your post!!! What I learned to do (I didn't have the help of a book, I know, sadface) was that if the thoughts came into my head, I would say to myself "I can think of these thoughts and they are just that- thoughts- I don't need to get emotionally upset by them, and if I do, I will distract myself" and then I do as I say, I only practiced this for 2 weeks and I hardly feel any DP/DR, at times I feel it, but I no longer feel the anxiety. Whoever claims its "not anxiety" thats a denial, they're on here because they're anxious.

Comment back and let me know what you think of my reply


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## fieldsmatt31 (Dec 16, 2009)

i see what you are saying. however i would think about it in a differnt way. first of all, it is very dangerous to become consumed by it. when i first joined this group and i was trying to explain to people things that i have learned, i felt my self getting a little nervous, felt a little consumed by the idea that i was feeling well and i was trying to help others feel well, but i was quickly able to resolve that issue. i had to abandon any image i had of myself or how someone else may have been viewing me. so in a sense it isnt necessarily a good thing to become consumed with labeling your self as "depersonalized", and spending a lot of your time thinking about it. by the way, you are a person before you are "depersonalized". "depersonalization" is only a word to describe what you may be experiencing. but in another sense i feel that it is and can be very helpful for people. in more than few ways. people can relate with each other, connect with people, there is relief to be found here (we cant be too harsh on that judgement, even though it can in some circumstances create a conflict), people discover things about themselves, people can have good dialogues about what may be causing them to feel so bad, etc..but ultimatley, used properly, i feel that this site can be used for growth and development. just have to use it the right way.

but ya people sometimes talk about how bad life is and how long they have suffered and how lonely they are. WE ALL HAVE TO REALIZE THAT "DEPERSONALIZATION" IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE. YOU CAN RESOLVE THE SUFFERING WITH A LITTLE INSIGHT INTO THE CONFLICTS THAT ARE CREATING THE FEELINGS OF "DP", SOME PATIENCE AND A LITTLE PRACTICE.

so in one sense it can be dangerous. in another sense it can be helpful. and in a another sense it may be neither dangerous or helpful. im sure everyones experience is different varying on how they use this site.

good books are very helpful. you may feel they are over rated or cliche. but there is a lot of beautiful ideas and insights in the right book. a few good thinkers that i found helpful are krishnamutri, osho, echart tolle, sigmund freud (in my opinion, helped start a revolution) psychoanalysis was the key for me. buddist principles and philosophies i found to also be very helpful.

our conflicts lie within the ego. i feel that the ego is the cause of all our suffering. you see, even me saying that may help someone. if im wrong or right, somone may find that idea interesting and look into resolving any conflicts they may find within the ego, or someone might atleast try to learn how they can resolve the suffering. if someone can prove me to be completely dillusional, good for them, that would be a great improvement and would give them tremendous insight and allow them to become more aware. becoming more aware or consciously developed is to become more awakened and thus more free.

we cant believe what anyone tells us. we have to look for our self and discover truth for our self and make it our own. i think we should all look within and discover whats really going on within our self, there is where we will find the conflict and there is where we will find peace.


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## fieldsmatt31 (Dec 16, 2009)

i agree with the idea that if we can resolve the anxiety we can resolve the feelings of "dp". it seems safe to treat these feelings by resolving the anxiety. just have to realize why you are so nervous and fearful. "mental conflicts", "mental tension" or "mental friction" however you want to say it is the greatest and possibly the only casue of anxiety. however i think the feelings of "dp" are caused by repressing reality and the feelings that they do have. repression causes a depletion of emotional awareness. when you are constantly interpreting reality and "who you are" into thought or a mantal image you are actually ignoring what actually is right now (reality) and that will cause the repression. its like a defense mechanism gone horribly wrong. we interpret reality and our self in a more positive perspective in order to feel safe or better. when you do that you have to continue the thoughts and interpretations to maintain the image and the idea that you are safe. this continues the suffering and thus the cycle continues.


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## melbilnz (Oct 31, 2009)

Yeah, I see what you are saying. I did get a lot of recovery tips from here, though, which is helping (I am finally improving after 3.5 years due to some of the positive suggestions here). The anxiety busters forum is probably the best for recovery stories, that saved me from giving up to realizing I have a treatable anxiety disorder.

I did promise myself that once I get myself back up that I am going to post my recovery stories. Right now, my panic is gone, my DP is in remission, and I only notice that my memories and emotions are still out of whack. I think that will pass, though. I am still blunted but noticing that I am beginning to enjoy family time again.

I think the HPPD forum needs the most help, no offence, but that place is like a burial ground for people that just gave up.

As for HPPDers reading this, I did recover from HPPD and trust me, HPPD is just as psychological as DP/DR so quit looking for damage, brain scans, medicine, and this Dr. Abraham guy everyone seems to cite all the time...he seems to offer no help except for researching your brain for his next paper and telling you you are *flowered. You won't find a cure because there is nothing wrong, the condition is psychosomatic, and yes, your mind can recreate visual stuff when you are freaking out over it.

My DP/DR relapse occured 10 years later for non-drug related reasons. I have also had nasty OCD since childhood and possibly my first DP/DR episodes as well. I remember when I was a kid thare was an evening when the sky had turned really red, I remember feealing "dreamy' but was too young to get a negative reaction from it. I also had visual static my whole life. My sister has panic attacks and my mother had anxiety, depression, and what sounds like a bout of depersonalization as well. She never did drugs and never sought help, she recovered after eight years on her own.

I do think there is a time when we all will have to graduate from this forum and move on into the final stages of recovery. I need to get to that myself, but I do want to send a huge thanks to the recovery stories on here from the people who did show everyone else that this condition is not permanent.


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## LeaveThisForum (Jan 13, 2010)

weedDPeedMe said:


> LeaveThisForum I totally AGREE WITH YOU!! In-fact I would like to thank you for your post!!! What I learned to do (I didn't have the help of a book, I know, sadface) was that if the thoughts came into my head, I would say to myself "I can think of these thoughts and they are just that- thoughts- I don't need to get emotionally upset by them, and if I do, I will distract myself" and then I do as I say, I only practiced this for 2 weeks and I hardly feel any DP/DR, at times I feel it, but I no longer feel the anxiety. Whoever claims its "not anxiety" thats a denial, they're on here because they're anxious.
> 
> Comment back and let me know what you think of my reply


I agree completely. At the start I thought I was simply distracting myself from DP, but now I realise that DP was distracting ME! It's a thought habit and nothing more. Once you fix the anxiety with routine, the DP fades and eventually disappears totally.

I have nothing more to say. I'm done with this board.


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## fieldsmatt31 (Dec 16, 2009)

i think you are logical and very reasonable. you have a good mind to resolve the suffering. im sure you will be fine.


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## Katezorz (Jan 10, 2010)

I agree with you, 100%. Depersonalization is a symptom of anxiety and/or depression, so once those are gone, dp/dr will disappear as well.

However, depersonalization can also stem from other illnesses, but those too can be fixed with medications or treatments. My mom had horrible migranes and would experience it, but now that her migranes are gone, so are her feelings of unreality.

But if someone has dp/dr caused by anxiety or depression, reading negative feedback on dp/dr will make them feel more anxious/depressed and guess what? It'll make dp/dr stick around for even longer than it has to.

People need to go out and live life instead of sitting my the computer focusing on their issues. If someone needs to vent and has no one else to talk to, this website is great for that. But if you have someone at home you can talk to or go do something with, do that instead!


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