# Scared...Not Sure if this is DP/DR



## tkdrinksjuice (Jul 31, 2018)

Hello!

I have read many posts on this forum over the years but have now just decided to create an account and make a post of my own, mostly because I feel extremely alone and am not sure what is going on with me anymore.

Anyway, I have had DP/DR three times prior to now, once when I was 12, again when I was 16, and briefly when I was 20. When I was 12 and 16 the DP/DR lasted about 6 months and then went away gradually, kind of without me even noticing until it was gone and I couldn't really remember how it felt. When I was 20 it only lasted a couple weeks and I completely forgot about the experience. Now I am 23 and have been experiencing what I think is DP/DR again and it started about 4 months ago.

The thing is, I'm not sure if this is DP/DR because my other experiences with it are so foggy and I can't remember how I felt the other times I had it. I've started convincing myself that this is something completely different and that I'm actually losing my mind or developing schizophrenia/psychosis. I just do not feel right and I don't feel like myself at all anymore. So, heres a quick explanation of how my symptoms started and how they are now:

Towards the end of my last semester at school I wrote a psych paper on DP/DR and witnessing abuse during childhood, both of which I have experience with. I got very into the paper and spent hours upon hours a day researching and working on it. I finished it at about 25 pages and my psych professor told me it was one of the best undergrad research papers he has ever read. I was really proud of it. However, soon after I began to feel slightly detached. It freaked me out a bit but I figured it would go away. I was in therapy at the time and mentioned it to my therapist. She suggested that it might be due to the domestic violence I witnessed as a child, and so we began talking about that violence in detail during one of our sessions. While I was talking about it I completely zoned out, it felt like I was there and it was like I could almost see it. I felt like that 8 year old kid, who I was when I witnessed the violence, and it wasn't until my therapist said "you look very detached right now" that I snapped back into the present moment and felt extremely disoriented. I told her I had to leave and from that point on I have felt very disconnected from everything.

For the next couple weeks after that session it started to feel like nothing was real and no one around me was real. I got obsessed with solipsism, but not because I believed in it. I got obsessed with it because I was scared that I would believe it. Also, I got scared because there is no way to prove that anyone else exists besides oneself. This was extremely disturbing for me and it made the DP/DR much worse. Eventually, I let the idea of solipsism go and began to obsess over the fact that I might be developing psychosis. This brings me to the present moment of how I'm feeling now.

For the past month or so I have obsessed over schizophrenia and thinking that I have it or am developing it. I started reading all the symptoms, all the stories of people who have it, all of the prodromal symptoms, and related myself to everything I read. I started to listen for noises at night, thinking I would start hearing things. Then, I became hyperaware of my peripheral vision, thinking I might start to hallucinate or see things. Then I started to fear that I might have delusions and started coming up with delusions and then thinking "oh no do I really believe that." But obviously, I never believed any of the delusions I came up with because after I stopped thinking about them I wouldn't even remember what they were the next day. Anyway, here is a list of my present symptoms:

- feel disconnected from thoughts

- feel like I'm on some other planet and or in another dimension

- feel like I'm not here or anywhere

- feel disconnected from life and responsibilities

- when I think of friends and family they feel really far away as if they don't exist

- surroundings feel strange and look different or off

- feel a floating like sensation

- feels like the world behind me doesn't exist until I turn around and look at it

- time feels like it doesn't make sense or like it passes differently

- days, weeks, and months feel like they don't make sense

- things feel like a movie sometimes as if people are just actors

- my voice doesn't sound like my own

- feels like I'm not controlling my body sometimes

- the world feels scary

- feel trapped, as if there is no escape from this

- feel like I'm going to lose it completely at any moment

- feel disconnected from my memories, especially ones from before I felt detached

- feel like I'm not as smart as I was before

- feel spaced out or zoned out sometimes

- vivid dreams and extreme tiredness throughout the day

- weird sensation like something is behind me, but I know nothing is

- night time feels extra dark and unsettling

- things sometimes seem brighter and other times seem foggy

- objects feel like they're not really there, like I would have to touch them to actually feel like they are there

- feel extremely anxious and depressed

- lost interest in things I used to enjoy

- feels like I'm barely holding onto my sanity

- feel overwhelmed easily by too much stimuli

- just feel really far away from everything

- feeling of impending doom, like something really bad is going to happen

I'm not even sure if that list covers everything, but I feel like it's the best I can do as of now. Anyway, please let me know what you guys think. If you guys relate to any of this or have any advice I would love to hear it. I just feel so alone and helpless and no one around me understands. They just say "relax" but it's really hard when I feel like this. It was like my whole life is over and I'm just going to never come back to my old self or feel better. Thanks for those who read this, and I hope to hear something from you guys soon.

Later everybody!!


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## Mowkus (Jun 14, 2017)

Hey man that drinks juice,

I can relate to a lot of these, or could have related back when my dp was a lot worse. What have you done so far to tackle this?


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## Amethysteyes (Jun 9, 2018)

I relate to all of those feelings and sensations. It sucks but it gets easier with time, trust me. Your mind just needs time to process everything. The whole condition is basically dwelling on all of your symptoms at an extremely obsessive level. It gets easier with time and things you can do to cope.


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## tkdrinksjuice (Jul 31, 2018)

Mowkus said:


> Hey man that drinks juice,
> 
> I can relate to a lot of these, or could have related back when my dp was a lot worse. What have you done so far to tackle this?


Haha hey man,

So far I've just tried hanging out with people which helps until I'm alone again. I'm trying to eat healthier, practice mindfulness when I can. I'm currently preparing to go back to university this September so trying to focus on that helps a bit. I also drive Uber sometimes but that honestly makes me feel worse because I just drive and think too much. 
If you have any tips on how you got your dp to lessen lemme know! I'm willing to try anything. I just want to feel "normal" again, although even before this I struggled with anxiety and depression, but I would take dealing with just that over this any day.


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## Mowkus (Jun 14, 2017)

tkdrinksjuice said:


> Haha hey man,
> 
> So far I've just tried hanging out with people which helps until I'm alone again. I'm trying to eat healthier, practice mindfulness when I can. I'm currently preparing to go back to university this September so trying to focus on that helps a bit. I also drive Uber sometimes but that honestly makes me feel worse because I just drive and think too much.
> If you have any tips on how you got your dp to lessen lemme know! I'm willing to try anything. I just want to feel "normal" again, although even before this I struggled with anxiety and depression, but I would take dealing with just that over this any day.


I would suggest keeping busy with something that isn't so stressful to you for a start. Try and plan something to do everyday, routine really helped me keep me out of my own head. I also was serious about exercising and dieting before all of this so that helped me out a lot.

Have you learnt breathing techniques to get you through?


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## SimplyPey (Aug 4, 2018)

Mowkus said:


> I would suggest keeping busy with something that isn't so stressful to you for a start. Try and plan something to do everyday, routine really helped me keep me out of my own head. I also was serious about exercising and dieting before all of this so that helped me out a lot.
> 
> Have you learnt breathing techniques to get you through?


As a few people have already said, as well, I can relate to literally almost every symptom you have listed. Fortunately enough, however, most of those symptoms haven't showed back up since my DP/DR was hellishly worse back before I was ever diagnosed any type of disorder. Hell, way before I even had my first therapy session!

But even though it has been a few years or so since I've experienced some of the same symptoms, reading the ways you described some of the things currently going on, and the feelings you are having - the way you tried to describe what's going on to the best of your ability and your wording truly brought to mind the same exact thoughts and emotions I used to have, and I can recall exactly how I felt when I was experiencing those same symptoms that affected me for what seemed like forever, so many years ago. Makes me recall it ALL too well, and I am sorry you're having to experience all of that. It sucks.

But on a brighter note, this person has probably already given you the absolute best advice there is for dealing and coping with your current circumstances.

Keeping your mind and yourself occupied and busy - making sure you are doing stuff that you have to, in some way, concentrate on or really put some thought in to in order to do whatever it is or complete the activity.

Staying busy and occupied is just about the only thing that would be an instant relief for my symptoms, though. It's a huge help! It can be difficult to force yourself to stay busy and concentrate on doing things though.. so I'm not going to tell you that it's as easy as it sounds, but if you're able to do that, you'll be great


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## songflower (Aug 2, 2018)

.


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## LivingDeadGirl (Aug 6, 2018)

I feel your pain. I hope we can recover.


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## tkdrinksjuice (Jul 31, 2018)

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thank you for your advice and support. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and every day is so draining. I have respect for all of you dealing with this as it takes so much strength to get through and remain positive. 
What I have found out after visiting a psychiatrist is that I might have PTSD and BPD. I guess both of these disorders involve dissociation and since mine happens in episodes and goes away for years the doctor thinks there is an emotional trigger. Also, after describing my life and behaviors in between dissociative episodes I was told that I experience very intense emotions and irrational fears of abandonment (which is very true but I thought this was normal). So I was told I may have BPD and my intense emotions cause my brain to dissociate because it cannot process or handle my emotions after so long so it needs to rest. 
I am now looking into DBT to help cope with what is going on and because I feel very alone and still very dissociated. I hope I start feeling better soon and can get to the root of my issues and I hope you all can too. Seriously wishing you all the best I know we can make it through this.


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