# Gettin tired of fighting this every day : (



## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Yeah, I wake up feelin the same every day and I have to take these addictive benzos just to keep myself calm until bedtime. Its getting too much, I want to just throw in the towel sooo bad!!!!! but that will make me a quiter and a coward. I feel like im being tortured day and night with no end, its like hell on earth. It takes everything I have in me just to stay calm and not run face first into a tree. I feel like all I want to do is sleep so I can escape this. I used to feel really close to God, now I cant feel his presence at all. It feels like he has forsaken me but I know that is not true because he promised he would never do that. Im completely disabled by this DP and I cant work or anything. I just leech off my mom at 19 years old and she thinks im being lazy, but im not lazy at all. She just has no clue the horror I have to endure every second of every day. My DP is so bad, I feel like I dont exist, like someone has taken over my body and im watching everything I do from FAAAAARRRR away. Anyway, what can I do about it? Nothing, so I guess this post was for nothing, sorry guys.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

well if nothing else at least you let off a little steam. So the benzo's don't make things considerably better for you? I remember when i first started taking benzo's there were times where i felt really close to normal. Now i am weening off of them even though i still feel like i have a strong case of dr and some crazy thought patterns. Anyway, sorry to hear your having a shitty day, you might just need a change of scenery or something to get your mind onto something else.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> well if nothing else at least you let off a little steam. So the benzo's don't make things considerably better for you? I remember when i first started taking benzo's there were times where i felt really close to normal. Now i am weening off of them even though i still feel like i have a strong case of dr and some crazy thought patterns. Anyway, sorry to hear your having a shitty day, you might just need a change of scenery or something to get your mind onto something else.


Yeah the benzos help considerably. If it weren't for them, I would be in the bed like a vegetable. Its just this DP feels like a horrible high that I cant escape. It makes me mad that I can't get any relief unless I take 8mg of Ativan. :x But yeah I think I need to change a few things in my life. Start getting out even if im scared too. I have bad agoraphobia because of this damned DP. :x


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

well just be happy your still in the state of coming on to benzo's, i am trying to withdraw from them now because i don't want to have a lifelong dependency and i take half a .5 of xanax in the morning and at night. It really does nothing for me anymore except sometimes it will slightly calm me down..but it's mostly just holding off the withdrawal symptoms at this point..and my dp/dr isn't gone so it's kinda a lose lose.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> well just be happy your still in the state of coming on to benzo's, i am trying to withdraw from them now because i don't want to have a lifelong dependency and i take half a .5 of xanax in the morning and at night. It really does nothing for me anymore except sometimes it will slightly calm me down..but it's mostly just holding off the withdrawal symptoms at this point..and my dp/dr isn't gone so it's kinda a lose lose.


HAHAHAHA!!!!!! :lol: I take 2mg of xanax 3 times a day and SUPPOSED to take 3mg of ativan a day but I take a little more LOL. And my psych told me that I would prolly have to be on those high doses for the rest of my life. Which im ok with, at least thay help some.


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## Moshin (Jun 20, 2009)

Has anyone ever tried Seroxat?

When I had my first episode of anxiety attacks the doctor gave me Xanax and Oxazepam but these meds freaked me out, I felt like a zombie, which to me was almost as bad as feeling unreal - especially because it made me numb and lethargic and didn't give me the strength to break out of my fear of getting out of my house.

So I insisted they gave me something else, and the doctor suggested I'd try Seroxat. I am on and off Seroxat since 6 years. Every time I have to start with Seroxat again, it is actually quite scary because in the beginning it will make your symptoms worse. But after 10 days or so it feels like the curtains are opened, and after that, most of my symptoms are diminished. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to wake up and realize that something had changed. I smiled, and than I started laughing and laughing, just for the joy (and relief!) of it.

To give you an idea: the first time I took Seroxat I went from agoraphobia to getting back to university, after a two year break, plus the university was in another city so I had a one hour commute and I managed successfully to overcome my fear for public transport (before, just the idea of merely thinking of putting myself in a train caused new severe anxiety attacks, even though I would be sitting on my couch at home). Whenever I feel confident enough, I usually quit with medication, I usually realize that I am confident enough when I start forgetting to take my medicine, in other words, when I am not so obsessed with it anymore.

Unfortunately the anxiety and derealization has always come back (usually out of nowhere) when I quit the medication. The last time was a couple of months ago, a few months before I had relocated from Europe (where I am from) to New York: here I was, with the same frightening symptoms, far away from "home". The fact that I would have to take a plane crossing the ocean to get home of course frightened the hell out of me, so I really really felt stuck - and New York is not the place you want to be when a single sound, smell, face can frighten you to death. But fortunately enough I took a "stash" ;-) of meds with me, and I got back on medication. I can tell you I am walking around the city again, getting my work done, seeing friends, getting in the subway, going to concerts and whatnot. I do have a lot of grief about what happened to me since the first episode of anxiety and derealization, and the possibility that I might have to deal with this on and off for the rest of my life. I am not sure if, even after so many years, I can accept that I need medicines. But I do have to say that, contrary to what I read a lot on this forum about these benzo-meds, Seroxat doesn't make me numb or lethargic at all (it does not always succeed in stopping this inner monologue/ train of thoughts though), and it gives me the strength to enable MYSELF to do what I in facts always helps me the best: to get distracted with the good things of life so that I can regain confidence in my body and mind again.

I am hesitant towards recommending medicines, because it seems that each of them have distinct effect on different people, but if you feel unsatisfied with the medication you are on right now, and if you are curious, feel free to ask me more about my experience with Seroxat.

bests, moshin


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

At this point im willing to try ANYTHING so I will mention Seroxat to my psych.


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## Guest (Jun 21, 2009)

Claymore said:


> Yeah, I wake up feelin the same every day and I have to take these addictive benzos just to keep myself calm until bedtime. Its getting too much, I want to just throw in the towel sooo bad!!!!! but that will make me a quiter and a coward. I feel like im being tortured day and night with no end, its like hell on earth. It takes everything I have in me just to stay calm and not run face first into a tree. I feel like all I want to do is sleep so I can escape this. I used to feel really close to God, now I cant feel his presence at all. It feels like he has forsaken me but I know that is not true because he promised he would never do that. Im completely disabled by this DP and I cant work or anything. I just leech off my mom at 19 years old and she thinks im being lazy, but im not lazy at all. She just has no clue the horror I have to endure every second of every day. My DP is so bad, I feel like I dont exist, like someone has taken over my body and im watching everything I do from FAAAAARRRR away. Anyway, what can I do about it? Nothing, so I guess this post was for nothing, sorry guys.


I would get off the benzos. I dunno try something new maybe. The shrink I saw a few years back after I was in the Army said he wouldn't even prescribe them to me because I would become addicted lol. Sorry I am a mess right now too I feel your pain. Atleast you are still young only 19 you are still a baby so don't worry about your mom. Expressing how you feel is not nothing either you need to express it. I hope the Naltrexone starts to work better for you. I still need to find a shrink who will prescribe it to me.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

MassagePatriot said:


> Claymore said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah, I wake up feelin the same every day and I have to take these addictive benzos just to keep myself calm until bedtime. Its getting too much, I want to just throw in the towel sooo bad!!!!! but that will make me a quiter and a coward. I feel like im being tortured day and night with no end, its like hell on earth. It takes everything I have in me just to stay calm and not run face first into a tree. I feel like all I want to do is sleep so I can escape this. I used to feel really close to God, now I cant feel his presence at all. It feels like he has forsaken me but I know that is not true because he promised he would never do that. Im completely disabled by this DP and I cant work or anything. I just leech off my mom at 19 years old and she thinks im being lazy, but im not lazy at all. She just has no clue the horror I have to endure every second of every day. My DP is so bad, I feel like I dont exist, like someone has taken over my body and im watching everything I do from FAAAAARRRR away. Anyway, what can I do about it? Nothing, so I guess this post was for nothing, sorry guys.
> ...


Yess I hope you find one, as I have only been on it for a couple of weeks and my shrink said it could take up to a month to start workin correctly. It shouldnt be that hard for you though, I dont know why it would be. I just feel like my will to push through this is draining the life out of me, if I have any at all.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Alot of people feel closer to god with DP because of how wise they start to think.
Sometimes people belive panic attacks are realated to a spiritual emotion.

When i was diagnosed with DP i started thinking alot more than i did, so at least god gave us the ability to think. :wink:

Just hang in and keep in tune with the forum for support.

-Zach


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Theone2 said:


> Alot of people feel closer to god with DP because of how wise they start to think.
> Sometimes people belive panic attacks are realated to a spiritual emotion.
> 
> When i was diagnosed with DP i started thinking alot more than i did, so at least god gave us the ability to think. :wink:
> ...


Thanks Bro.


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

It's so true about having a spiritual awakening as a result of this disorder. And what doc ever said you would be on meds for the rest of your life? I'm living proof--that's not true. I had it bad from a pot joint smoke when I was 14. I've had DP for about 34 years, that's right, 34 years, and I've had years when I needed no meds, slept well at night, was happy and peaceful, but then stressful periods of life show up and you feel the DP again. Just my physiology. But, I explored all the religions, etc. and searched and searched for peace, and have come to realize that what keeps me sane and in peace is to not let other people abuse me, and I must watch my own thoughts that they won't trouble me. There is life after DP.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Rebekah said:


> There is life after DP.


I sure hope so. And 34 years?!!!MAN Thats a long time. How have you not killed yourself yet?!!! :shock:


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

I don't know what's happened to me? I was suicidal for decades trying to kill myself with blacking out with booze, then I got more counseling, and somehow I don't feel suicidal, and the symptoms don't rule my life now. I don't really think about my DP at all now, so I guess it's gone, mostly. I don't panic anymore--I haven't "freaked out" from the DP for over 15 years. I never considered "the crisis" episodes as panic attacks, because I never had the racing heart etc. I rather prefer living in this state of mind now, since I've come to accept it. I can connect with people, places and things when I want to, so it doesn't rule me. I just live a very peaceful existence, and prefer now to be buffered from harsh people, places, and things. It protects me from evil, and I've learned a lot of wisdom along the way. It's actually ended up being a blessing, of sorts, because of all that I've had to learn about my existence, and I feel like I have an innocence retained in me that I see missing in normal folks from all the harshness of their lives.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Thats awesome Rebekah. Iam proud.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Rebekah said:


> I don't know what's happened to me? I was suicidal for decades trying to kill myself with blacking out with booze, then I got more counseling, and somehow I don't feel suicidal, and the symptoms don't rule my life now. I don't really think about my DP at all now, so I guess it's gone, mostly. I don't panic anymore--I haven't "freaked out" from the DP for over 15 years. I never considered "the crisis" episodes as panic attacks, because I never had the racing heart etc. I rather prefer living in this state of mind now, since I've come to accept it. I can connect with people, places and things when I want to, so it doesn't rule me. I just live a very peaceful existence, and prefer now to be buffered from harsh people, places, and things. It protects me from evil, and I've learned a lot of wisdom along the way. It's actually ended up being a blessing, of sorts, because of all that I've had to learn about my existence, and I feel like I have an innocence retained in me that I see missing in normal folks from all the harshness of their lives.


Man im so glad for you.!!!!!  You have found peace. At what point did the worst of your DP subside? Sorry, not trying to be a pest.


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## dancintrulife (Jun 18, 2009)

Hey claymore, I don't have anything to say to help but I wanted to say I really hope you can find something that helps you, and also to remember how strong you must be to go through this every day and still survive.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

dancintrulife said:


> Hey claymore, I don't have anything to say to help but I wanted to say I really hope you can find something that helps you, and also to remember how strong you must be to go through this every day and still survive.


Thanks dancintrulife.  We all MUST be VERY strong to deal with this every day. I just wish I hadnt triggered mine with drugs. Knowing that I could have avoided this whole mess in the first place, but im here now. Ill just have to fight through it.  But thank you for your input.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

i would be careful with the benzos especially at that high of a dose. I am already realizing that i have withdrawal just in between taking my meds and it is awful! i mean AWFUL! It makes me just want to cram a whole bunch of them on my mouth and wash them down with booze but i can at least rationalize that this would be ridiculous haha. I have been trying to ween off of mine and i was unsucessful at this past lowering of my dose. I lowered it, started to feel worse than ever (how i'm feeling now) and just recently started to take what i was taking before in hopes of getting back to where i was because i was slightly comfortable for a bit there.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> i would be careful with the benzos especially at that high of a dose. I am already realizing that i have withdrawal just in between taking my meds and it is awful! i mean AWFUL! It makes me just want to cram a whole bunch of them on my mouth and wash them down with booze but i can at least rationalize that this would be ridiculous haha. I have been trying to ween off of mine and i was unsucessful at this past lowering of my dose. I lowered it, started to feel worse than ever (how i'm feeling now) and just recently started to take what i was taking before in hopes of getting back to where i was because i was slightly comfortable for a bit there.


I find that the higher the dose the more in reality I feel. LOL. :lol: Im not really worried about the withdraws as my doc said I would probably have to be on high mg benzos for the rest of my life. But who knows.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

yeah i just wonder what other problems high doses for the rest of your life might cause? I mean as much as i am okay with taking benzos for this, i still don't fully trust medication as i don't think doctors truly understand the long term effects. Not to worry you or anything, the stuff definitely helps, i know that from experience.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> yeah i just wonder what other problems high doses for the rest of your life might cause? I mean as much as i am okay with taking benzos for this, i still don't fully trust medication as i don't think doctors truly understand the long term effects. Not to worry you or anything, the stuff definitely helps, i know that from experience.


Yeah im just really confused as to what to do at the moment.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

well i guess if it's helping now then stick with it but just be careful long term.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> well i guess if it's helping now then stick with it but just be careful long term.


Yeah I will I just have NO CLUE as to what to do next. Try to get a job, check into a program, get disability ect. :?


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

haha i have thought about disability too, seems like kind of a cheap way out though, i really just need to find something to occupy my time. Disability would just allow me to sit around and do nothing the rest of my life which sounds like hell to me right now because thats what i'm already doing.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> haha i have thought about disability too, seems like kind of a cheap way out though, i really just need to find something to occupy my time. Disability would just allow me to sit around and do nothing the rest of my life which sounds like hell to me right now because thats what i'm already doing.


I completely aggree, im just worn out and I feel like I just want to fall on my face and never get up.


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## dancintrulife (Jun 18, 2009)

I'm on disability but I'm doing a course for people with mental health problems but I only do 2 or 3 days a week if I can even manage that. I was in day hospital for ages, that's why I had to go on it but yeah I can get lazy and not do anything, It's always better for me to do something though, I like doing nothing cos I'm lazy but I tend to get depressed when I'm not.


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