# This is was derealization feels like for me



## Christina

Hello,

I have been experiencing what psychologists have referred to as depersonalization disorder for about a year now. It first started last October, when I began to feel as if I was walking on air. Everything around me started to feel strange and very far away. People started to look robotic, I felt like a stranger in my own body, it was nearly impossible to communicate with others.

As the months progressed, I have developed the following symptoms. I would appreciate it if anyone could help me or has experienced something similiar:

Feeling as if I am going crazy
Feeling as though I am not in control of my own words and actions
A constant obsessive rumination about language and the human condition
Constantly obsessing over how the earth works, how everything is placed on earth
Inability to locate myself in space
My head often feels like it is 'in the clouds' 
I am uncertain of what I did a few minutes ago, if that was really "me"
COnstantly thinking I will never get better or see the world how it really is 
Low self confidence
Inability to work 
Loss of a lot of relationships because of my constant anxiety
Inability to take good care of myself 
Inability to relate to others around me because I feel like it is not really me talking 
Shakiness and trembling
Getting frightened when I look in the mirror or realize the idea of the "self"
Headaches 
Being frightened of nearly everything I used to do with total confidence: like going outside for example.

If anyone feels a constant depression, a nagging pull on their self worth, it would be appreciated if they could reply and tell me of their experience.

My therapist seems to think that since I am depressed and anxious that I am slowly 'coming out' of depersonalization (ie feeling things again)
If anyone could tell me what it feels like to come out or ways to make this awfulness go fasted I would appreciate it.

Christina


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## ValleyGirl

First off, it sounds to me like you have both Depersonalization and Derealization. I had those symptoms when my dp/dr were at it's worst.

I am recovering, and with time, certain symptoms disappear or become much more mild. I can't give you specifics because I am sure that recovery is different for everyone.


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## hanniballexster

Christina said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been experiencing what psychologists have referred to as depersonalization disorder for about a year now. It first started last October, when I began to feel as if I was walking on air. Everything around me started to feel strange and very far away. People started to look robotic, I felt like a stranger in my own body, it was nearly impossible to communicate with others.
> 
> As the months progressed, I have developed the following symptoms. I would appreciate it if anyone could help me or has experienced something similiar:
> 
> Feeling as if I am going crazy
> Feeling as though I am not in control of my own words and actions
> A constant obsessive rumination about language and the human condition
> Constantly obsessing over how the earth works, how everything is placed on earth
> Inability to locate myself in space
> My head often feels like it is 'in the clouds'
> I am uncertain of what I did a few minutes ago, if that was really "me"
> COnstantly thinking I will never get better or see the world how it really is
> Low self confidence
> Inability to work
> Loss of a lot of relationships because of my constant anxiety
> Inability to take good care of myself
> Inability to relate to others around me because I feel like it is not really me talking
> Shakiness and trembling
> Getting frightened when I look in the mirror or realize the idea of the "self"
> Headaches
> Being frightened of nearly everything I used to do with total confidence: like going outside for example.
> 
> If anyone feels a constant depression, a nagging pull on their self worth, it would be appreciated if they could reply and tell me of their experience.
> 
> My therapist seems to think that since I am depressed and anxious that I am slowly 'coming out' of depersonalization (ie feeling things again)
> If anyone could tell me what it feels like to come out or ways to make this awfulness go fasted I would appreciate it.
> 
> Christina


I've had some of those symptoms, not all, as I only (to my knowledge) have constant DR. I've had episodes of DP under streme stress, but they usually don't last long (although they are disturbing too). I think I am sloooooowly getting better. Things seem a tiny bit clearer for a few minutes on certain days as the weeks pass. It's really hard for me to track my DR though, because thinking about it (which I do a lot of the time anyway, obsessively) seems to make it worse.

One thing I have noticed about myself lately is that I feel like bursting into tears quite a lot. Many nights, for instance (I live alone) I'll cry myself to sleep. I am not sure what *that* is because usually, for most of my life, if I was crying I knew why. Maybe I am just tired of the DR and it's exhausted me? Or maybe I am coming out of it? Not sure.

Not sure if you can relate to the crying spells. I haven't recovered from my DR yet so I am not sure what it feels like to come out of it (like you I have been getting more headaches (also other body pains, etc). I hope some of these symptoms mean it's lessening (for both of us) and are not just more added "fun".

Take care, Alex


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## Azure

Yeah pretty much all of that. I've gotten over my depression though quite a bit... I was trying to explain to someone yesterday how I feel optimistic in the present but no faith in the future without much luck.... I'm working on getting completely optimistic but its not easy.

But... yeah, I found I've only been able to get over depression by letting go. I was so afraid letting go meant I'd go insane... I've loosened my grasp and have accepted a surreal world, accepted I see things differently (kinda)... and in that I feel more at ease at myself. Sometimes I even enjoy having a body.

Environment is kinda important for me. I like really big rooms that even though I don't move around much, I like thinking about being able to pace or move freely if I wanted to...does that make sense?


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## ems211

Hi Christina,

Know this is quite an old post but I was amazed at how much i can relate to your symptoms.

Feeling as if I am going crazy- yes all the time!!
Feeling as though I am not in control of my own words and actions
A constant obsessive rumination about language and the human condition- Yes, the world just seems odd, as if I am an alien from out of space and just don't understand the workings of the world
Constantly obsessing over how the earth works, how everything is placed on earth
Inability to locate myself in space- I can TOTALLY relate to this, and this is the hardest symptom to describe to people.
My head often feels like it is 'in the clouds' 
I am uncertain of what I did a few minutes ago, if that was really "me"- Yep, very often
COnstantly thinking I will never get better or see the world how it really is - Yes, I try to be positive and think things are changing but am terrified it new will
Low self confidence
Inability to work 
Loss of a lot of relationships because of my constant anxiety
Inability to take good care of myself 
Inability to relate to others around me because I feel like it is not really me talking - yes, hate the sound of my own voice, like when you are listening to yourself on a tape recorder... horrible
Shakiness and trembling- yes an awful lot
Getting frightened when I look in the mirror or realize the idea of the "self"- yes whenever i think about the self, eg, who i am, who others are, it terrifies me
Headaches - very often!
Being frightened of nearly everything I used to do with total confidence: like going outside for example. - yes, cannot believe i now feel pround that I am able to get on a train, seem to be unable to remember the life before when I did things with such ease!

Others things i have are,

- thinking i don't recognise family/ friends
- fearing i could just disappear
- intrusive thoughts abotu the world not being real
- sometimes being shocked when i look down and see my own body
- fear of ridiculous things, like just being scared looking at the television.

I know this is an old post so hope things are improving for your. Let me know x


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## mixedup

Yes I can relate to so much of what you said.
I have been awake all night. I took 1/2 Benadryl and some Skelaxin for burning, shaky muscles. Through the nite as I would start to drift into sleep I would wake suddenly thinking I was smothering, and start to shake uncontrollably. This went on all night.

The sedatives take me closer to the real me, the vulnerable me in the dangerous world.

I am scared of myself when I can't be depersonalized and in charge. If I fall apart I might go to the loony bin forever. It's a tightrope I walk day and night. What do I do??!! Anybody??!


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## hanniballexster

mixedup said:


> Yes I can relate to so much of what you said.
> I have been awake all night. I took 1/2 Benadryl and some Skelaxin for burning, shaky muscles. Through the nite as I would start to drift into sleep I would wake suddenly thinking I was smothering, and start to shake uncontrollably. This went on all night.
> 
> The sedatives take me closer to the real me, the vulnerable me in the dangerous world.
> 
> I am scared of myself when I can't be depersonalized and in charge. If I fall apart I might go to the loony bin forever. It's a tightrope I walk day and night. What do I do??!! Anybody??!


I don't think anybody has ever gone to the loony bin for DP. Unlike you, sedatives make my symptoms much worse (hell, they caused it). Strange. Different brains. I am not scared of insanity in the general sense of the word (hallucinations) because I have had them (cold turkeying off meds and after head injuries, I have a lot of TLE symptoms but no official diagnosis because my shrink seems to be expecting a grand mal or for me to see the face of god... *sighs and shakes head sadly*). I know about the smothering sensation- I've had it a lot lately, but a chest x-ray confirmed that the walls of my lungs are thickened (slightly scarred) so I probably have asthma (doesn't help my anxiety though because now I never know if I am having a mild asthma attack- if it is asthma still have to see specialists- or anxiety or what). Know how hard the tight-rope thing feels. Felt like that most of my teens and pretty much all of my 20s so far. I think brain chemistry tends to sort itself out a bit more as you reach 30 or so. Posting here, venting, talking to friends... all the usual natural anti-anxiety things people tell you to do actually do help. It doesn't feel like it at first, but it's cumulative. Take care.


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