# 12 Years and finally see reality



## IQ (Mar 20, 2007)

Firstly I would like to say a few things:

1. This will be a lengthy post

2. Anything I say is from my own experience. I am only an expert from my own perspective and anything I say in this post however controversial should be taken in context.

3. I do not encourage or recommend anything written in this post. I only offer an account of what has worked for me and you can take as little or as much as you like from it.

Lets get started...

*Back story*

I grew up with a pretty normal childhood with good parents and had no trauma or any psychological disorders before I got DP/DR. At the age of 11, I started to smoke and by the age of 12, I was smoking weed on a regular basis as well as taking speed and other drugs.

I had had a few bad drug experiences with LSD and ecstasy but what pushed me over the edge was 1 joint. By the time I was 16 I had been a full time weed smoker. One fateful summers day I smoked a joint and was instantly sent to DP hell. I had no idea at the time what had happened to me other than the world had completely changed for me and I felt terrified. I instantly stopped all drugs thinking that I had just done too much and it would go away in a few days. How wrong I was...

After months of this feeling of being detached from reality I was pretty sure I had done permanent damage to my brain. I had masses of existential questions racing through my brain every second of my life. I was numb. I was permanently tired. I had lost all hope. This lasted for 12 years.

I don't need to go into all the details of how I felt as I am sure most of you already know how deep a hole DP/DR can be. I had it 24/7. I have been suicidal many times and I know that when you are there it really does seam that there is no way out. Believe me when I say that there is.

Since it took me 4 years to actually find out that this condition had a name, and other people were going through the same thing, I thought that I would always be like that. Imagine my joy when I found that it was actually a recognized condition. Then imagine my dismay when I realized that there was no cure. Only people who found their own way out.

Over the years I have tried most things to try and get myself out of this:

1. See my GP

Not helpful at all. Had no idea what I was talking about and put me anti depressants.

2. Psychiatrists

Seen many. Had loads of different drugs which I will list later

3. Therapy

Again, seen many. Most didn't understand. None helped. One even became uncomfortable with the questions I was raising about reality!

4. Exercise

5. Self Help Books

6. Self Medication

7. Meditation

8. Supplements

None of these things really helped much at all. In-fact, a lot of them did more harm than good. The way I was treated by the medical profession was a joke and the drugs that they put me on made things a hell of a lot worse.

I have tried quite a few medications and only a few have actually helped in a small way -

Seroxat - Absolute hell. Nearly pushed me over the edge

Citalopram - Similar to seroxat, not improvement at all

Venlafaxine - Slight improvement in mood but no effect on thoughts or visual distortions

Risperdal - Horrible. Like taking a hammer to my brain

Seroquel - Not as bad as risperdal but had no effect on DP/DR symptoms

Clonazepam - Helpful for anxiety. No effect on symptoms but useful for when I was going over the edge

Diazepam - Same as clonazepam

I have had a few other medications but I cannot remember what the were and they didn't help anyway.

Anyway, up to a couple of years ago I had pretty much given up on ever getting out of this and this is where my story changed.

*Finding reality*

This part is probably going to be controversial for a lot of people. And i'm sure not a lot of people will like it. It is however what worked for me, and personally I believe it to be the only real way out of this.

I finally gave up trying to control my mental state. I realised that DP didn't happen to me. DP was me! I was being a DP person every second of my life. It was shaping my decisions, my choices and how I percieved myself. How could I possibly cure something that was actually myself?

I began to try to understand what I was scared of. I knew I was petrified of drugs because of what they had done to me. I always believed that I was only 1 hit away from completely loosing reality so I never went anywhere near drugs at all. I was constantly checking my mental state to make sure that I wasn't getting worse. I finally realised that this is actually what DP was.

By keeping it alive. By giving it a name. By not accepting my current reality no matter how much I disliked it only perpetuated the feeling I had. And why wouldn't it? This is the reality I was creating for myself every single day.

I decided to do something about it. I faced my fears and started to accept my reality and no matter how unreal it seamed I asked for more. I started to concentrate hard on the present moment and any time I felt my mind wander off into its usual patterns I would bring it back. It was hard at first, but as time went on it got easier to do. Slowly my existential thoughts came less and less and eventually I realised that I had to come to terms with the fact that I will never have the answers to the questions I was asking myself.

I started to take joy in not understanding the world. Not knowing what existence it. How can I consume myself with a question that has no answer?

Eventually I managed to get myself into a space where I felt I could face my fears. I started taking certain drugs again which I thought would be beneficial to let some of my fears out and get in touch with my emotions again.

Here is the controversial part -

After a few MDMA sessions I was almost instantly 90% free of DP/DR and the anxiety related with it. I was able to deal with a lot of fears I had about myself and the world and I feel I owe a great deal to this compound. I would say that taken responsibly and in the right mindset this drug has greater potential for helping not only DP but a range of other anxiety disorders. Quite a lot of studies that have been done recently have shown this to be the case and I only expect this to get bigger in the future.

And the other compound which had helped is DMT. I cannot explain to you what this has done for me. It literally has changed my life. This drug however I cannot recommend to anyone because of how potent it is. Especially if you are struggling with not feeling real. Being blasted into mutli dimensional hyperspace can be terrifying and there really is no way to prepare for it. Bare in mind that this was my biggest fear for 12 years.

I won't go into the pros and cons. This is what I have done, and this is what has worked for me. You will all have to find your own path and I wish you all the best of luck.

A word of warning - Any drug should not be taken lightly. Especially when you are dealing with something as potent as DMT. This compound will shake you very existence to the core and I do not recommend anyone does it without knowing exactly what they are getting themselves into. Even then, nothing will prepare you for it.

To sum up what I think helped -

1. Acceptance of your current reality. (If you don't do this you will never progress)

2. Be present. All your fears exist outside of now. Always try and return your full attention to the present moment.

3. Start touching your fears and become a friend with them.

4. Live your life as if you don't have DP. Even if you feel that you do. Eventually your brain will adopt your new input.

5. Stop caring about DP. Stop researching. Stop looking for a cure. You can't cure a personality that you live. You can only change.

6. Don't be upset if you think you are getting somewhere and then it comes back. It will. Just accept it and keep moving forward.

There is so much I could say but i'm not the best writer. I know everyone's experience will vary but I have hope for all of you. I would say my DP/DR is 95% gone. I still have moments but I can see them coming now and I just accept them. I now look forward to the future with a positive outlook which is something I havent had for 12 years.

I'm planning on going to peru to do ayahuasca which I think will be terrifying, but I think I will learn quite a lot from it.

Again, DO NOT TAKE ANY DRUGS unless you want to and don't take my word for anything. Its your mind and your responsibility. Things like DMT are extremely powerful! You have been warned.

Love and peace to all of you. There is hope.


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## Mr.Dream With No Exit Door (Jul 9, 2013)

IQ said:


> Firstly I would like to say a few things:
> 
> 1. This will be a lengthy post
> 
> ...


Very good read.. I've always wanted to try dmt.. I didn't get my DP from drugs, but drugs always seemed to help me over these past 4 years.. I feel like taking a dmt trip can either help me find the root of my problem or atleast come to peace with my DP.. Ayahuasca though is a whole another animal.. Tripping for 12 hours, and those 12 hours feel like 10+ years, I'm not sure my mental state can handle that.. lol I look forward to hearing about your "trip"


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## IQ (Mar 20, 2007)

Mr.Dream With No Exit Door said:


> Very good read.. I've always wanted to try dmt.. I didn't get my DP from drugs, but drugs always seemed to help me over these past 4 years.. I feel like taking a dmt trip can either help me find the root of my problem or atleast come to peace with my DP.. Ayahuasca though is a whole another animal.. Tripping for 12 hours, and those 12 hours feel like 10+ years, I'm not sure my mental state can handle that.. lol I look forward to hearing about your "trip"


It certainly can show you things that you need to see. Make sure that if you do try it that it is n-n DMT and not 5eo Dmt.


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## heartless (Apr 29, 2013)

Im not going to try any of what u mentioned, but it is very interesting, the effects of mdma and dmt.
mdma is a known dissociative, yet it has been used to relieve ptsd symptoms in many patients.
a lot of folks also reported that after an ayahausca trip which is a blend of dmt, they felt major relieve in symptoms of dp dr and depression.

anyway, glad youre better.


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## seafoamwinterz (Aug 12, 2013)

I agree with staying in the present moment, I've been trying hard as fuck to stop focusing on my damn day dreams


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## IQ (Mar 20, 2007)

Well thanks for your insight and calling me a troll. A few people on this board have actually met me and I can assure you I'm not. Check through my other 200 posts over the years and see if you think I'm a troll.

It's up to you how you get through this, I'm not telling anyone how to do anything. Only what has worked for me.

If you keep your mind closed then I'm sure you will find that it will take longer to recover. I wish you well on your path.


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## IQ (Mar 20, 2007)

When you have done dmt. You can have an opinion that means something. Otherwise you are just basing your opinions on other people's work. Also, as far as mdma frying your brain. Go and read the scientific research that's ongoing into ptsd.

Apart from that, please don't derail a thread just because it doesn't match your world view.

As I said, this is what has helped me. That is a fact for me. You can argue any point you like. It still doesn't change the fact I am nearly 100% dp free


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## IQ (Mar 20, 2007)

I never recommended anything. As stated clearly at the top of my post. I only gave an account of my own experience. Tell me where I told anyone to do this? I clearly stated that I do not recommend anyone takes any drugs. You read what you want to hear and then give abuse back.

I am glad to be free of this hell. I would be glad for anyone else to be free of it as well no matter how they did it.

I dont understand why people have to be so negative towards someone who is simply telling a story that has a happy ending?

Anyway, I'm done with this. I hope people can find their own path to be free from this.

As to the angry people with nothing better to do then fire abuse, then I feel sorry for you. I hope your bitterness leaves and someday you will find peace.


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## Optimist (May 29, 2012)

I also have got outta this so called disorder and i only laugh at myself for suffering this long. Let me tell you, whatever was on the Post works for sure. This is called exposure therapy. Its the best method for treating OCD and panic disorder. It is to voluntarily invite the feelings you are scared of, and learn how to be comfortable with them and not fear them. In other words, learn to accept them deep down. This is how i conqured panic disorder that i had like 2years ago. I sat down whenever a panic attack hit me and said:" alright, hit me with whatever you got, im not scared of you, is this all you got?" i will ride the episode from the start to end without trying to escape it. This taught me to become comfortable with the uncomfortable. And panic disorder was no more.

I see some posts calling you a troll for asking to invite the feelings. It shows they are still afraid of the feelings and they havnt accepted it. They wont fully get outta of it if they keep thinking that way. This is a fact. Meds wont help you if you dont even change your mindset. Dp are only feelings and thoughts, it's all in your head.

Check my recovery story if you are interested.

Wish you all the best


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## SamodrotAgressivoDrot (Nov 16, 2011)

MDMA is known to work with emotions . AFAIK, it was even proven to be effective for PTSD.. i don't mean regular taking - 1-2 times can work well with negative emotional baggage.


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## Victor Ouriques (Jul 15, 2011)

The most important thing here is...face your fears.

The drugs didn't relief him,but helped he fight his fears,and that's what helped


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