# a guy problem



## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

Dear Sheila, I need yourrr advice!

I'm always complaining that I don't feel anything, am emotionally numb and so on. That's true for most things. However, a month ago I met a guy. At first I thought I didn't care about him that much, but the more I saw him, the more obsessed I got with him. And I feel horrible. Nowadays my head, stomach and chest ache pretty much all the time and it's difficult to breathe. It's like a prolonged panic attack. It stays under control, I don't lose my touch with reality like the last time, but why on earth I feel bad when I should be feeling good I guess?

I must like him or else I wouldn't think about him all my waking hours, but though I feel good around him I also feel very anxious and everytime we meet I feel twice as bad afterwards. We don't argue or anything, we just hang out and I like the feeling I have with him I but then it's like I've been hit by a bus. I've analyzed this of course a great deal and I think that I'm not actually infatuated with the actual person but some image I have on him. I mean when I see him I can't understand how this person could make me feel so bad or why I even have a crush on him, if that's what this is. So, why did I start feeling worse when I met a nice guy? My sister says I will go crazy if I continue like this. My sister's annoying, but she could be right.


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## Guest (Oct 4, 2005)

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## Guest (Oct 4, 2005)

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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

Wendy said:


> Oh common guys, isnt there anyone else who can give Maria some help with this? Im annoyed because she truly touches on a sensitive subject, a subject many here no doubt can relate to and noone seems to have any words for her? Sometimes the self-centeredness on this board is really coming through loud and clear.
> 
> She got me replying while Im not even STRAIGHT ..lol(not that there is a difference when it comes to love, but still, I thought it was a bit of hilarious I tried to give her advice on guy-troubles..lol).
> 
> Maria, I hope you get some more replies 8)


Yes thank you very much for your reply! Potatoes, potatos, vaginas, penises, who cares when it comes to luv :shock:

According to my therapist the reason I feel like a bus hit by a truck after seeing him is separation anxiety. Which I think means that I love him so much that I fall into pieces if I'm not glued to him twentyfour hours a day. That could be it, but then I keep wondering WHY this guy, he's not that special...but yeah, with him I occasionally find a whole new side of myself, a person I could imagine I was if I was healthy with no depression and dp. That's when I don't feel very self aware and awful and awkward with him.

Maybe I'm obsessed with that feeling and not with the guy himself? Who knows. But I'm still totally obsessed with him. The other problem is that I don't know what HE wants from ME. We're not a couple, but we've still shared a bed and some hard core petting (doesn't it sound stupid) aside from hanging out, so the question is, is he just playing with me? I can't ask him, it could scare him away. And I don't know what I want the answer to be anyway. If he said "I love you", I'd say "Great, and I have an obsession for you". I don't know what love feels like! But anyway I feel a lot worse since I've met him. Aaarggh. I've never cut myself before he came along. So yes, I'd appreciate feedback, I know I sound like a teenager but forgive me, I'm a 23 year old virgin.

To conclude, the actual problem could be that I'd like him to be something he's not. That's why I keep getting disappointed. Or is it just dp and depression to blame? Do they keep me from feeling what I should feel?
Right now I think we're acquintances who occasionally share a bed. And that's not what I want, it drives me nuts. But don't know what to do, I don't want to not see him either. Oh yes, and the "hanging out" part..most of the time it consists of us being quiet or him talking about some weird stuff, me being quiet and thinking what the hell is he talking about. He's entertaining enough though. So it's not like some people just fallen in love, talking and talking and talking. For us it's silence. I just don't have anything to say to him and don't feel he'd care to hear it or understand anyway but then again I'm pretty quiet anyway, with him it just doesn't feel uncomfortable. All the time at least. Oh dear.

Oh, you don't have to answer ALL these questions, this is more self analysis, but if you have anything, I'm grateful. I'm sure you people have more experience than me, the 23 year old virgin.

(_love _ should probably be replaced by _like_ but anyway


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Maria,

I'll try to keep this as simple as possible.

Us guys are reasonably simple creatures compared to women. Just ask him what he wants. If he is into you I think you will know. If he is not, leave and don't waste your time and energy on him. You will only make yourself feel worse.

Is it love? I don't know, depends on your definition. You seem to be attracted to him but it is only for security and comfort maybe it's not love. Maybe the women on this board can help you out more so than me on this subject. Anyhow my advice is to simply ask him the hard question.

I hope it works out for you.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

maria said:


> with him I occasionally find a whole new side of myself, a person I could imagine I was if I was healthy with no depression and dp.


Now what you wrote there seems very positive to me. Number one thing I look for is someone who brings out the best in me, and I them. Every once in awhile someone comes into my life and lights me up as a person and brings out stronger qualities in me that I don't always have. BUT the problem is that he also makes you feel horrible. Confusing huh? I would say you feel bad because of not having any security. You love how you feel with him but the fact that it might be over tomorrow is making you torture yourself and feel very insecure. (now this is just my guess... I may have no idea what I am talking about haha). How long have you known this guy? If you have been hanging out for awhile I think it is fine to ask where you stand and how he feels. If he is so immature that the question scares him away he is not worth your time. If he gives you any of that half answer stuff... such as I dont know... or does not respond.. cut him loose. From my experience if a guy is really into you it is very obvious. He will flat out tell you and not send mixed signals. and yeah yeah I realize that there are some guys out there that have trouble expressing their feelings and showing they are into you, but I am guessing that is NOT the case for most guys. and who wants to sit around guessing if someone is into you are not... not me... either say it flat out or leave me be. If he doesn't have the ability to say how he feels and show it to you... he doesn't have the ability to be in an adult relationship. Good luck maria and I hope this helped even a little bit. Hope it works out for you.


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

> Us guys are reasonably simple creatures compared to women.


 Here we go... I am so tired of hearing guys say they are so simple and women are complicated. I think women are mostly rational, and easy to figure out. When we love someone, we tell them and that's the end of it. Guys always end up confusing things, you never know how they feel about you, ever. It changes from one minute to the next. My best friend and I have been going off about this lately. One minute the guy wants you, the next he's pulling the silent treatment and ignoring you. So, I think I've figured out why guys claim they are so simple yet are so contradictory. You guys want a challenge. This whole I love you one day and don't like you the next, back and forth thing, is relatively simple. You like us when we don't want you, and don't like us when we want you. Sounds simple right? Well, it's infuriating. 
And of course women do this to. Why can't people just be satisfied with who they're with, when they're with them and everything be cool? Instead of everything being a cat and mouse chase, where I have to pretend I don't want you so you'll want me, etc etc. And I also know that this doesn't apply to everyone, because I've dated some pretty weird guys in my life that have their own idiosyncracies, but in general, I think this push-pull thing is 90% of the confusion that goes on in relationships. Why can't we be happy with what we have?? 
So guys, since you all claim to be such simple creatures, will you explain your behavior to the rest of us? What really gets you going? You tell us and we'll tell you. Might as well put this forum to good use.


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

The problem here is that it's impossible to figure the opposite sex out because everyone is different. You can't figure anyone out, least of all an entire gender group. And the more mental stuff you have going on, the more confusing you become. To an outsider, since I have all this anxiety stuff, my behavior is completely irrational. Why don't I date, why am I cold to guys, why am I emotionally unavailable? Because my life is so messed up I can't think about relationships now. And, I feel like no one could want me the way I am right now. I dated this one guy, and it took me forever to figure him out. His whole life was one big contradiction. But I finally pretty much did figure him out, why he did some of the things he did. But what applied to him in no way applies to other people because he had his own issues particular to him. But in general, as far as sexual attraction, I think we're all similar with the push-pull thing. We all want love and we all want lust, the two mostly don't go together, so relationships are generally a pain in the ass until you find that happy medium between the two.


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Guys want you when they want sex and don't care once they get it.

Simple.

If they want a realtionship you'll notice the difference.



> We all want love and we all want lust, the two mostly don't go together


Agree.



> so relationships are generally a pain in the ass until you find that happy medium between the two.


Ofcourse.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

whoops...


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

It could all be so simple in my opinion. We spend wayyy to much time trying to "figure out" the opposite sex. I wish guys would just tell girls exactly what they want and need and girls would do the same. Noone can read minds just say this is what I want and I like to be treated this way... what about you? And I wouldn't try to spend so much time trying to figure out why guys do this or that enngirl... just ask.... why do you do that?... or what do you mean by that? No better way to figure someone out than to just ask them. They know themselves best. :wink:


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

I agree rainbo, but most people won't tell you. They want to remain _mysterious_. And most people aren't honest with themselves least of all their partner.


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

enngirl5 said:


> Here we go... I am so tired of hearing guys say they are so simple and women are complicated. I think women are mostly rational, and easy to figure out. When we love someone, we tell them and that's the end of it. Guys always end up confusing things, you never know how they feel about you, ever.


I agree completely with this statement...if where it says "Guys" you substitute the word "girls" and where it says "women" you substitute the word "men".


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

enngirl5 said:


> I agree rainbo, but most people won't tell you. They want to remain _mysterious_. And most people aren't honest with themselves least of all their partner.


SAD but true... it doesnt have to be that way though... once I trust someone I tell them what I need and want... it makes it so much easier for them... My advice though is if a guy cant tell you what he wants he is too immature for you...just dont put up with that. :wink:


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

rainboteers said:


> enngirl5 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree rainbo, but most people won't tell you. They want to remain _mysterious_. And most people aren't honest with themselves least of all their partner.
> ...


Guys and people in general will treat you the way YOU LET them treat you. Say I dont play games and if you do I'm moving on and mean it. You will then find someone who won't play games because you won't settle for less.


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

Well, that's how I am. I usually _do_ just walk away which is why I'm alone now.


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

just for the fun of it, I'll tell you that I did conversate with the guy (which was like pulling a teeth), and now we're "not together", if we ever were. It was just two acquintances who share a bed sometimes. At a point he mentioned I'm too quiet and apathetic, so maybe I should quit trying to find anyone until I'm healthy..and I still can't stop thinking about him. Arr.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

arg! that does suck! so you were brave enough to talk to the guy and yet he still thinks you're quiet and apathetic? that doesn't make much sense.


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## MrMortgage (Aug 26, 2005)

maria said:


> and I still can't stop thinking about him. Arr.


Man...I wish I had a girl that thought like that about me!


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## maria (Oct 28, 2004)

want to hear something really pathetic? A boy wants to end a relationship with a girl since she's not girlfriend material, but the girl likes the boy too much so she talks him into becoming her tutor in the matter of sex. Yeah, I might even get one extra week with him this way.


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