# i must abide by my mums rules/to accept or reject ?



## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

well what can i say...yes folks as most of you know i live with my mum and dad,and yes im too shit scared or rather skint to do anything about it...
now i had a little problem with drink a while back,the story as follows....i was left on my own for a week with no money and drank lots and lots of wine and made myself ill...it was out of complete lonliness and the fear of panic and my own little silly thoughts....that was a while back and i stopped drinking for 2 months and now to regain some sort of normality ive got myself a partime job working as a kitchen hand at the local mental health resource centre (paid)..
but having said that ive formulated some sort of normal routine,i will walk to my local pub i will sit with the old boys,i will read the paper drink my 2 pints of beer and walk home....
but what i get in return is threats of being thrown out of the house,i cant play music because i fear this is going to get my mum on her soap box,i cant talk to my parents because i am seen as the devil,and i am often asked why im not eating,i wont tell them the real reason im not eating is for the fact that im too scared of confrontation...i sit in this room and am basically a slave to the mothership or rather she who must be obeyed...they do not realise that i frequent the pub to 'talk' and to 'interact' ...
im gonna go bonkers i just know it


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

it sounds like you would be less scared and much happier if you just moved to a really cheap apartment...why don't you do that? sometimes you can find people who are just renting out rooms in their house. that might be a cheaper alternative...

i know i certainly couldn't handle living with my parents again. i had to move back in with them for a little while a year ago and i had a hard time even though they really tried to be good about not bossing me around.


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## Guest (May 9, 2005)

Sounds like hell. You're not doing yourself any favours by staying there, that's for sure.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

at the moment downstairs theyve removed my usual chair and turned the tv around so there is no room for me to sit downstairs with them


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

Holy Sh$t, JC, they seem to really have the red a$$ and are playing real hard ball. Have they given you any suggestions as to what it would take to improve your relationship with them besides becoming an ordained priest? Have they said they have just had it up to here with you? Have your siblings offered any advice or help?

I don't know how you can move out and make any kind of rent on that part time job.


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## Guest (May 9, 2005)

jc said:


> at the moment downstairs theyve removed my usual chair and turned the tv around so there is no room for me to sit downstairs with them


Seriously what the hell is wrong with your parents?


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

Its called tough love, and I can understand their actions. Your a grown man and you need to get out on your own, one way or another.


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## Guest (May 9, 2005)

jc, aren't you like 35?


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

yeh im like 35 and on benefit


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

dakotajo said:


> Its called tough love, and I can understand their actions. Your a grown man and you need to get out on your own, one way or another.


this is true but not forgetting that i was politely asked to give up my job and my rented flat to move back home while my dad was in hospital....i dont think its very fair for them to say 'well thanks for doing all the work on the house,thanks for acting as our taxi driver,now piss off'


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

I agree, at least start looking for rooms or apartments online or ride around and look at them. I think this small step will make you feel better.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi jc, long time no speak :wink:

I think, that if you can in any way, move out. It's one of those things, (of which I can totally relate to), that other people seem to deal with just as part of life. It's so frustrating and degrading, a phobia or restriction caused by dp makes us feel even more self conscious. But you've got to do it.

It's so easy for me and everyone else to say it, since we aren't going through the pain or fear that imposes these restrictions on you, but it is also easy to say because from an outsider point of view, you see the whole picture, as opposed to being totally immersed up to your eyeballs.

I'm being a total hippocrite because there is something I really have to do this week that I don't want to do and thinking of ways to escape. I'm thinking about how it will make me feel, but I know deep down that I am not only holding myself back, but actually setting myself back. I am only giving myself temporary relief from my pain, pain that could only go away if I invest long term determination to break through my barriers.

I've been a bit down recently and read your post and it reminded me of a couple of my own thoughts, so thought I would just say what's helped me.

Gx


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

hi gaenor
i think we all have our fears,and something that someone else suffers from that i dont suffer from is hard for me to contemplate...my neighbour for example is a massive anxiety sufferer yet he loves being on his own...now for me being on my own with dp = lots of thinking time...which i hate,also my anxiety restricts me in various different areas of my life,i dont know what to do i just feel so caged in all of the time and its causing my paronoia to rise,but people will keep telling me i worry too much


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

well figure this one out - certain times of the day I prefer to be alone, others I need people for distraction. sometimes its so habitual it's to the minute


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## Guest (May 10, 2005)

I can see both sides to this problem.
I don't know your parents but it's very likely that they simply can't understand why you don't move out and live like other blokes.
Let's face it until somebody has themselves experienced this crap it's near impossible to grasp.

When My adult kids have lived with me.I have to admit sometimes when I felt stressed I asked myself are they an asset or a liability?Well most times(not always),the answer was absolutely a liability.
I love them and love to help them in times of need.
Sometimes as a parent you can feel like you've done your bit and now its time for everyone to move on.
It's a two way street,they have felt at times resentful about living in my house with my conditions and I perfectly understand this.

Is it possible for you to see it from their perspective?Often times when children are grown,parents want to be empty nesters.They want to do as they please and not feel obligated any more.
There is nothing wrong with this,its perfectly normal.They are not bad parents.
Perhaps at times they are insensitive.
I have a hunch that your parents feel as frustrated as you do about the situation.

The fear of moving out seems enormous.It also seems it might be your only reasonable solution.I'm sure you would prefer to have more freedom.With freedom comes a price............it's called lack of security.It's a trade off we all make in our lives.

You can always share with somebody else so you don't have to be alone all of the time.
No solution will give you the lack of fear you desire.
Perhaps you might gain other benefits,like not having to dance to your mother's tune.
Why not ask if you can keep your room there for awile until you get settled and adjust to your new situation?When life is tough,spend a few nights back home.
This way you might find they miss you and its much easier for all of you.

Jc what are your realistic options here?stay or go or put up with......not too different from thousands of people.

I suggest you get some professional support to help you move out. 
Put a time on it,make small steps and take it as AA suggests one day at a time.

All the best Shelly


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

good advice shelly thanks
the thing is i thought i was doing so well,my drinking is under control and has been now for a few months,sure i get a little merry but i stop wheras before i didnt know my limitations(and i only drink twice a week)...
all i did was simply go to the pub on a sunday and watch what for me was a very important game in which my home football team got beat and relegated...i was a little peeved but i still came home smiling and then it was stern looks as if to suggest i stay in like a lap dog...i have to do something soon because my anxiety is at horrendous levels,but having said that ! i need need so desperatley to break the habit of a lifetime and STOP WORRYING


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

just an update
after work today i brought all of the local newspapers and have been intouch with the letting agencys to see if they will accept payment from the d.h.s.s


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

cool! keep us updated!
shit, that means I HAVE to do that thing I didnt want to do this week cos I have to practice what I preach


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

I think we should all do something we don't want to do, once a day. And something we DO want to do, once a day. and something totally new if possible, a couple times a week. Maybe we can make a thread on it.


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Jc - I am in a slighly different situation to you...you'res sounds terrible.

I've been living with my parents for a year now...and while they DO make me feel very welcome, feed me, do my washing and stuff, lend my money to get to work (I'm skint), they do belittle my anxiety and depression and the ocassional days when I can't bare to get out of bed she reacts with anger. She doesn't understand how bad I feet...and that's not including guilt at having to living there...I'm a burden, even if she doesn't admit it. It's like Joe said, it can be tough love. I know my mother adores me, and the times that I've tried to do myself in, she was distraught....but I think my constact f.u.c.k.i.ng up is starting to take it's toll. And I don't blame her...she's 59 years old ! My mother has always been there for me....always, so perhaps it's payback time for me. All she wants is for me to be happy, at peace, back to the way I was in Cambridge. I'll try my best. I will not give it to the way I feel. I virtually barracade myself in my room at home - so to give them time together without me moping about. I don't even eat their food - although they keep going on at me about it. I'm going to the council offices today to see if I can get a flat....it's fair for both of us.

It sounds to me that my parents don't understand the magnitute of your illness. What I used to do was take my parents with me to my 'therapy' sessions and emergency visits to the doctors...sometimes that helps. Gives them a little insight.

Im a 33 year old semi-intelligent divorcee, it's ridiculous. I must sort myself out....PRONTO (as they say in Itally). I've been wallowing my own misery for too long. There is a life out there if I have enough strength and courage. I hope I have some left.

Incidently - commiserations about Reading losing in the Play-offs. To be honest though, they never looked like winning did they.


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## Guest (May 11, 2005)

I do feel you are both making the best choice.

As parents (ok not all parents)we want our big kids to be indepedent,fully functional and out there living life and hopefully finding happiness along the way.
We want you in our lives but not necessarily in our spare room lol
This is love.
My daughter recently spent 9 months living at home with me because she was ill.
I'm so glad to say after many doctors vsits, a much needed rest and
Mummies support she is now doing better.
She is back in New York wooed back by her pommie boyfriend.
I miss her like crazy and she me but I have to ask myself what is the most important thing here..................naturally it's her happiness.

That guy better be worth it lol she's a long way from where I'd like her to be.........which would be just around the corner.

I'm sorry Jc that your parents are not all that sympathetic toward your dp and fears.
Naturally it's easier for me as I know on a personal level how painful dp,anxiety etc is.
Both of my kids have had their share.At the time it broke my heart.Luckily they seemed to get the right help.The problems didn't become chronic.

Martin you've been on a good wicket mate.Mum washing your clothes indeed,spoilt rotten I'd say lol.


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

dudes, can't you get a place together?!?!?


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

its strange because to gain more points on the council list i went to the council offices and enquired about this and came back with forms to fill in to explain why i had to move out,and i was very very honest,for example i wrote that my parents dont understand my illness and they feel im a burden to them and they want me out,i was being honest about everything and my mum and dad read this form this morning and things have changed...my mums being nice to me telling me theres no need to move out !
this is mind games i feel,but the form is now sent off and i recieved a letter today asking me to view a flat but the only reason they have offered me this certain area is because no-one wants to live there due to the crime rate drug dealings etc...
i will get there in the end,at the moment im phoning banks to try and get a loan to consolidate my debts but even now i cant even get a loan as they hear the word 'benefits' and its thanks but no thanks

can anyone lend me 3000? (no harm in asking


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

g-funk said:


> dudes, can't you get a place together?!?!?


there is actually a property i was looking at where the rent was 375? per month but it only had one double bed lol


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

that's alright - just draw a boundary line on the sheets with crayon

take it the flat was either in Whitley or Dee Road?

Reading that letter probably made your Mum feel a bit guilty, after all I'm sure whe only wants the best for you. Still do it though, because what she says/feels is heavily influencing your emotions. You need to break out of it.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

the viewing is in dee road,and the property is in waylen street which isnt that bad and the mental healthn resource centre is on the corner so free internet access and cheap dinners,plus not far to go to work...the property has been renovated and is virtually brand new


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

(Shelly, good info from both perspectives. It is hard to be the parent and it's hard being the adult child living with the parent. Sucks all around even under the very best of conditions.)

Well damn, JC, that sounds good to me...the last one. If people are not hanging on the streets with needles out of their arms or guns in their hands, it seems you would be doing yourself a diservice not to try it. Moving forward is your only way out, guy. I would really like to know what that place looks and feels like. It sounds like it meets so many of you needs. Is the mental resource centre also where you work?

Really hoping something works out for you.

terri


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

the house ive seen is in the same street as the mental health resource centre and ive just been sent an email from the letting agency asking if i am after a 1 or 2 bed flat...i have explained to them that im on benefits so it looks as though they do take on benefit claiments


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I got the same form yesterday JC, for the Norwich area. Unlike yourself however, I'm going to lie through my fucking teeth on it. If I told the truth - i.e, I am not totally mentally incapacitated, living with my parents etc, they'd tell me to get out. I'm going to tick the box that says 'Asylum Seeker'. I'm also going into the DHSS and get every goddam benefit that I can muster...I've been paying National Insurance for 15 years so it's payback time.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

to be honest martin you have to make your situation sound as bad as possible....the fastest way to be considered is if you are on sickness benefit,then you need to find a place and claim for rent and electricity,on top of that you will get your full benefits...
with my partime job i get 110? a week which for a single bloke isnt too bad as my food bill wouldnt be much and rent electricity would be paid for...also theres lost of other stuff you can claim for....i hate to sound like a sponger but i also have been working for 15 years and i couldnt get a mortgage and i was working all the hours under the sun


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Don't worry JC, I will - I'm going to tell the biggest porkies known to man. My mum is backing me on this - saying that I've been sleeping rough and they want me out of the house immediately...which probably isn't too far from the truth. I need my own space, in the city, with rent and stuff paid until I secure a proper job and get my fucking life back. I'm going to hand in the form today - fingers crossed.

I have absolutely no qualms about living in a council house on benefits...none whatsoever. I must have paid about a trillion pounds in Tax and National Insurance benefits over the years, so I want some payback, and I want it NOW !


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

so i take it your going to stop work ? the snag is if you are working youre gonna have to wait forever ,catch 22


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