# My Dpdr keeps getting worse and I don't know what to do



## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

During December 2018 I had a small period of depersonalization that lasted roughly 8 days, and after that, it appeared to be gone.

But then, in February 2019 my Dpdr came back, and from there it gradually got worse and worse.

Every month that passed my Dpdr would constantly increase in intensity and kept getting worse, every that day that passed I would feel more and more detached from reality and from everyone around.

The scariest part of all of this is that my Dpdr seems to be an almost bottomless pit, when I thought I reached the bottom of it, when I thought "OK, it can't get any worse than this" my Dpdr would always, ALWAYS manage to get worse than its current situation.

It has gotten so bad to the point in which at some point I began suspecting that perhaps I was having a brain tumor and that was the reason of why my Dpdr was keeping getting worse, although it is very unlikely that I might have a brain tumor considering I don't seem to suffer from the common "physical" symptoms of one (constant headache, nausea and vomiting, felling sickness etc.) so I simple scratched that theory.

At this point, I simply don't know what I'm supposed to believe in anymore, to this day my Dpdr keeps getting worse and keeps reaching depths that I didn't know were possible to reach, the only possible path that I see in all of this is that my Dpdr will keep getting worse to the point to which I will no longer be lucid and aware of my actions, and after that I would simply die.

I simply dunno what to do at this point, it seems as if I'm simply waiting for my inevitable death to come.


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

Haha, Wauw.I could've written this. I have the exact same thing, It's getting worse with time. "Dpdr will keep getting worse to the point to which I will no longer be lucid and aware of my actions".

Exactly this, I am barely "here" anymore. And I am going further in the hole. I don't understand it anymore. This shit is progressive for me.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

Hello. I just wanted to say that in the grand scheme of things, 3 months isn't so bad. When I had dpdr before I found that it came in waves of severity. So I spent roughly 3-4 months at the lowest, where it seemed like every day was getting worse. Then I caught a break and experienced some relief from symptoms after about 6 months, then I rode out basically constant dpdr of fluctuating severity for a year. After that I was fixed. However no matter how bad it got I always believed in my recovery and was always doing small good things to bring it about. Have faith, it might get worse yet again. But it will get better in the long run.


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## lolwhat (Mar 13, 2018)

I could have written this...
I literally Just wanted to write something very similar.

It's been progressive for me for over a year now with the last 6 months of IT daily.

I believe it must be something physical as I can't believe it can become so intense.

Did or so you currently Take meditations that affect your brain?

Can you Tell your Symptoms?
For me Personally it's very difficult to read and I feel Like I have the awareness of an ant. My brain almost doesn't notice anything around & my sensory Processing is very much reduced.


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## lolwhat (Mar 13, 2018)

"At this point, I simply don't know what I'm supposed to believe in anymore, to this day my Dpdr keeps getting worse and keeps reaching depths that I didn't know were possible to reach, the only possible path that I see in all of this is that my Dpdr will keep getting worse to the point to which I will no longer be lucid and aware of my actions, and after that I would simply die."

You're probably the First Person I've found I can relate to
o.

Can you please Tell your symptoms and how it started?

I thought I was the only Person with progressive so.

But the worst started 6 months ago where I stopped experiencing any pleasure because my ability to process my surroundings would lower itself more and more and I Souls feel Like days or miles away from everything and this intensified. I'd Just be in a Bubble and Not be able to percieve the weather or Car Sounds und other noises in a "sane" way. It's Just a snippet, there's a Lot more but memory ist very Bad and also can barely Express weirdness of Symptoms but I thought that Level of progressiveness had nothing to do with dpdr anymore.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Thank you for the support, here's a list of symptoms I have been experiencing.

The first, and probably the most obvious one is that every action that I make and every thought that I have seems to be automatic. Which I know might sound obvious from someone suffering from dpdr, but because my Dpdr is so intense me being automatic is taken to a whole new level.

One second I'm here doing something and the next second I'm somewhere else doing something else, how did I got here? What happened in between this thing and that thing? I don't know, I was not there.

Another scary fact is that I'm not aware when I'm having a discussion, when I talk to somebody words simply comes out of mouth without me being aware of it, it always makes me question: where do this words come from? Was it me that spoke?

Another symptom i seem to be having is that my brain is not aware of reality, for example when someone wakes up in the morning the first thing that comes to their mind is "oh hey, I'm awake!" but when I do wake up in the morning my mind doesn't seem to get that prompt and instead it automatically begins the day.

Another symptom Is that when I wake up in the morning I always feel as if thousand of years have passed since yesterday night, because I spent so much time in the world of dreams when I wake up in the morning I always need to remind to myself who am I and where am I.

Another symptom is that I feel as if life is like a dream, I always feel as if I'm not living on earth but rather inside my mind, and thus not aware of what happens in the outside world, the information that I gather from the world and from the conversations that I have are stored in my mind, I'm just not aware of that.

Another symptom is that I always feel stressed, unable to find pleasure in actions that are usually pleasurable, when i'm doing something that's meant to be pleasurable I immediately skip to the next, again and again, unable to find something to stick with, almost as if was suffering from ADHD, it seems as if my mind despises reality and doesn't want to be in it.


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## lolwhat (Mar 13, 2018)

Another symptom i seem to be having is that my brain is not aware of reality, for example when someone wakes up in the morning the first thing that comes to their mind is "oh hey, I'm awake!" but when I do wake up in the morning my mind doesn't seem to get that prompt and instead it automatically begins the day. - this

Another symptom is that I feel as if life is like a dream, I always feel as if I'm not living on earth but rather inside my mind, and thus not aware of what happens in the outside world, the information that I gather from the world and from the conversations that I have are stored in my mind, I'm just not aware of that. - this

Another symptom is that I always feel stressed, unable to find pleasure in actions that are usually pleasurable, when i'm doing something that's meant to be pleasurable I immediately skip to the next, again and again, unable to find something to stick with, almost as if was suffering from ADHD, it seems as if my mind despises reality and doesn't want to be in it. - this.

I can relate with Most of your Symptoms.
But what was your triggering Event?
Are you on medications?
I'm trying to figure Out why it would be progressive for us.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

The triggering event was a nightmare that I had.

In this nightmare I was suffering because my Dpdr came back and made my life a living hell.

When I woke up in the morning I felt scared, and during the day I was having the symptom that I could no longer hear my thoughts. From there the situation got worse, my Dpdr came back and it all snowballed from there.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Quick update.

My depersonalization is still getting worse and now it has become literally unbearable.

I'm simply no longer of aware of reality, when I wake up in the morning I'm not aware that I have returned to reality, the dream and the reality are no longer distinguishable, reality feels like the continuation of the dream rather than the end of it,I simply feel like a robot and I'm not aware of when I talk to somebody or do something, I go through the day and I'm simply not aware of it, every 2 seconds I ask to myself "wait, how did I get here? What happened before getting here?"

I can no longer go like this, my life is slowly getting thorn apart from dp and I don't know how to make it stop.

It won't stop, it just won't stop getting worse, there truly seems to be no bottom to this.


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

I feel so sorry for you bro. 
Just hang in there, there WILL be a better day. U've got to believe that. We're all together in this horror condition.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

Hey Wewlad,

man, I so feel this. I'm only able to function on a basic level through sheer force of will. I also get those thoughts about how did I get here. It feels like every moment I find myself doing something new and I'm like wait, how the fuck am I here now.

My life has been truly destroyed by this all but actually, there is a bottom to it and there is a level where it doesn't get worse. That level is a dark, dark kind of hell where you're completely shut off to events and reality.

On the bright side:

A few years ago I read a book called the slight edge. The basic essence of the book makes you think about doing small things over time for big results. When you're at the lowest of the low, with no control of your mind, there is still an ability to make good choices. I've been doing these things for a few months and the good news is after a while, these thoughts don't hit with so much power, and you regain some functionality. I've been trying to treat my body like an incubation pod, making it as healthy as possible in the hopes my mind will follow suit.

On top of gym, walking, reading, (all things I've started to do in the last few months), tonight I'm starting supplementing with magnesium and inositol. Maybe then in a month, I'll be a little better still


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Thanks for the reply, but as the situation currently stands I can't think of anything else except my dp

I'm so fucking scared right now, I feel as if I'm living my last moments as a lucid person before entering the realm of insanity.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing to alleviate the symptoms, I'm just to deep into the dp to be able to properly function right now


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

I understand. Only do what you can do man, if that means taking an early night that's all you gotta do. It might be a while, you're not going insane. You'll be okay


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## Broken (Jan 1, 2017)

I know its hard, but keep positive mate. The world is changing at a rate of knots, HIV has been cured, cancer will be cured within a year... what are all those incredible minds going to do next? Go on to the next massive problem in the world. Depression and DP seemingly have many different causes which makes this tricky. But for all you know, a recovery story is just around the corner of something you will try that cures/helps your specific cause.

I am trying something new this week, and it will sound crazy to a lot of people. But microdosing magic mushrooms has cured a lot of peoples dissociation, lifelong depression, anxiety and PTSD. I am not suggesting you try that, but I am doing it this week and will be updating my thread as I go. If you're going through hell, keep going. Stay hopeful and keep trying new things, you never know what will help you specifically


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

I appreciate the support that you guys are giving me, but unfortunately it's not as easy as it sounds.

It is hard to have hope when your situation has got only one direction: downhill

I try to stay positive thinking that I will eventually get rid of it, but it's not working.

My Dpdr keeps getting worse, it just won't stop getting worse, everyday that passed it keeps getting worse and there seems to be no stopping it.

I simply don't know what's going to happen to me, if at first the idea of losing lucidity seemed to be impossible, with my Dpdr getting worse by the day this might not be so impossible after all.

I try to not think about it and just live the day, but when you are this much detached from reality it is nearly damn impossible to focus on anything else than your symptoms.

I tried having hope, but it doesn't work, and it will never work as long as my Dpdr keeps getting worse.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

The problem with DPD in my experience is just how fucking long it takes to get any kind of result. When you don't wake up feeling any better, it shatters you. I live this daily.

At least know that whatever your experiencing is a nervous system disorder and is completely recoverable, for all of us. Don't lose sight of that bud


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Another update on my situation.

As you would expect, my Dpdr has gotten worse, it has gotten so bad to the point in which I simply lost my sense of identity.

I no longer seem to be able to control myself, I'm no longer aware of what I do through the day, I feel as if I'm in a coma and that I'm only able to hear things and sounds from the outside.

At this point I believe it's fair to say that this is my end, this is how I'm going to die. Dpdr will never reach a bottom, it will never get to point to which it can't get any worse.

If the dark bottom hell of dpdr is the one in which you are completely shut off from the events and reality, then I'm afraid i will reach that bottom very soon.

There's nothing I can do, attempting to calm down or trying coping mechanism do nothing in trying to alleviate the symptoms, not even meditating has given any kind of relief.

I'm afraid this is it, this is my demise.


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

Wewlad said:


> Another update on my situation.
> 
> As you would expect, my Dpdr has gotten worse, it has gotten so bad to the point in which I simply lost my sense of identity.
> 
> ...


Did you try any medication? And don't talk like that dude, there is always hope.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

I'm like you in that coping mechanisms don't really work very well for me, so I just don't. Don't bother with conventional coping mechanisms that don't work, because DP turns so much on it's head. They can sometimes do the opposite. Instead, to get better it is vital that you feel as shit as you need to feel at any given time, you body is just letting off bad energy.

one thing that helps me get through the day is something I once read that no pain can last forever as we have chemistry to deal with these things.

Be brave friend and never, EVER give up


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

No, I haven't tried any type of medication so far.

I have always been against the idea of using medication, as I'm scared that I will either get addicted to it and unable to return to a normal life without it or that medications in the long run will end up causing a bigger than already is, and that's the last thing I want to happen.

I have also had the chance to talk to a psychotherapist about it and he told me that if I was against medication and afraid of those they would end up not creating the result expected from them. So he suggested to not use them and instead just use talk therapy.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

This is it, I can't go on like this anymore.

I have a tumor inside my head, this has pretty much become a certainity. I have a tumor or some other form of brain sickness that keeps to make my Dpdr worse than the day before, otherwise there's no other scientifically fucking way to explain how the fuck my Dpdr keeps reaching new depths.

I have reached the end of the line, the only 2 courses of actions that I can see in front of me are that I will either become completely detached from reality and get thrown in a asylum for the rest of my days or simply die, whether that will be by my own will or not is up to discussion.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

Medications can really help bud, there are so many more avenues to explore. In a few years you will look back on this and every moment will be all the sweeter when you know what true hell feels like, you can fight and you can win. Don't give up man


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

No it's not, it's not gonna happen, it's not gonna happen because I will die before reaching "a few years from now"

There is nothing else for me to do, the only things I can do is to scream in fear as I slowly fade away from reality, the only thing I can do is to think about how I'm gonna spend the last few days (or hours) as a sane person before the abyss takes me. I'm fucking terrified, this is the end.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

I know you wouldn't see that right now but it's true. If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe Wewlad get yourself to the psychiatric A&E, best thing I ever did. I know the abyss, I've spent a long time staring into it but it never claims you, not fully


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

I can keep myself safe, the only problem is that I don't feel I'm safe

My depersonalization has got so bad that I have lost the complete sense of identity.

I no longer have awareness of reality, when I enter in a room for example I ask to myself who am I and where am I, as if I was no longer here.

I'm freaking terrified of what's going to happen from this point on. I'm afraid that I will get detached so much from reality to the point to which I will start to no longer recognize my parents and my family, I find incredibly hard to believe I will get out from this, I'm actually afraid I will not.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

My dude, I often feel very similar and have lost so much of my mental faculties just getting through a basic day is like dragging my balls through broken glass, not a shred of humanity in a year. No emotions, just terror.

But my promise to you is that no matter how bad it gets, its a phase, a condition and is completely recoverable. Its turned me into a vegetable but I have faith and am always working for a brighter tommorow


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

It might only be a condition, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a pretty fucking terrifying one.

When your dp has done nothing but getting worse with each month and you have a reached level so deep to the point in you literally require to put strength in order to stay into reality, it is only logical to think that the next step would be the one of complete detachment from reality.

That's the reason of why I'm so fucking terrified right now, because I feel as if I'm living the last moments as a normal person before descending into the abyss. 
Unfortunately nobody can guarantee me that my symptoms will get better, especially if they have only got worse over time, and it doesn't seem like they will get better anytime soon, I can see them going only downwards


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

Well, nobody in good concience can make guarantees about recovery because it's dishonest when dp is reliant on so many factors but what are you doing at the minute to help? There is so much good advice amd guidance out there but you really need a tailored gameplan to kickstart recovery and start going in the right way


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

I’m feeling for U Wewlad. U’re saying that ure DP gets worse and worse but can u tell us ure symptoms ?


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

NomdeGuerra said:


> I'm feeling for U Wewlad. U're saying that ure DP gets worse and worse but can u tell us ure symptoms ?


I have already described my symptoms in page 1 of this thread


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Update.

Starting from Sunday I had the feeling as if my Dpdr was starting to get better, which appeared strange considering my situation during Saturday.

I felt as if my Dpdr was gone, almost completely gone, but I wasn't buying into it, how could it be possibile that my Dpdr was so bad the day before, yet became so tame the day after?

Now that it's Tuesday I still feel that sensation of improved depersonalization, although I still don't buy in it, I think instead that perhaps my Dpdr has gotten so bad, I have become so much automatic to the point in which i'm no longer noticing it.

I now find myself in that strange situation in which I don't know if I'm supposed to scream in fear due to how bad my Dpdr has gotten or just go ahead and accept this feeling of calm as an improvement.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

On sunday night I felt a fleeting moment of relieved head pressure which felt disturbing as I typically assume any development is going to be a bad thing, and because I've had 24/7 head pressure for a year, it was odd to not be feeling it.

Take it as a bonus, even if it is you learning to be calm with DPD that is going to really help your recovery, sometimes, simple interpretation is the difference between a good and bad experience


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

Now see how surprisingly strong u can be. Never give up cause there will be always a brighter day. Maybe not tomorrow and not in a week but with time everything change and improve. Keep faith, now u now it can be better !


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Thanks for the replies, but unfortunately I cannot consider this new condition as an improvement.

While this new condition appears as an improvement on the surface, in reality it only symbolizes how bad my Dpdr has gotten.

Between yesterday and now I have realized that my Dpdr never really left me, the reason of why I feel calm is because I have been dealing with Dpdr for so long to the point to which living like this has become the new standard, hence why I no longer feel scared.

This should not be taken as an improvement, but rather as a worsening, because this new feel of calm implies that my dpdr has gotten so bad to the point to which my mind is now accepting it as normal, which it shouldn't.

My Dpdr is still as bad as ever, the only difference now is that I stopped noticing my worsening, which in my honest opinion is even scarier since this also implies that my Dpdr is still getting worse.


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## lalalauren123 (Jun 5, 2016)

Hi Wewlad,

Ive been feeling the same calmness the last few days myself. Like at this point, im just on auto pilot and ive adapted to being disconnected. But i believe this may be the first step towards us feeling better. We are fearing the condition less. Eventually your brain will stop obsessing and you will get the relief you need. Its like our brain is trying to retrain itself. Its tired of overthinking and over analyzing every second of every day. It will take time but we can do this.

Have you tried exercising? Or doing something that requires you to focus? It is proven that our brains have a hard time truly multi tasking so if we can divulge our attention for even a few minutes into something else, that may help.

Plus, re read your messages. Look how within a day you were able to find a new level of calm. Granted your anxiety turned it into a negative but it was a step in the right direction. P.S...my anxiety does that too. Takes whatever calm we finally get and morphs it into something bad. If we are like this, fine. We continue to live. Eventually your anxiety will find something else to focus on and you will feel better. We will feel better


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Update.

My suspicious were correct, my Dpdr is still worsening each day, the calm that I felt in those days wasn't my Dpdr starting to get better, it was me being so deep into the Dpdr that I was no longer noticing how bad it has gotten.

This is something that I should be scared of, since this means that my life is still headed towards the abyss.

And considering my current situation, I'm starting to consider the idea that perhaps this suffering might not be worth it

While I completely exclude the idea of suicide (as I know that I will NEVER find the balls to do such an act) I'm starting to consider the idea that perhaps death would a much easier solution to my problem, as I see this situation only going downwards.

While this might be a wrong thing to do, I have started to consider myself as a terminally ill person, waiting for my Dpdr to reach the bottom (although I highly doubt there is one at this point) and hopefully die.

My Dpdr is getting worse, I don't know why this is happening, I just know that's happening.

I simply don't know where I'm headed at this point, I have began to notice that due to the extremity of my symptoms I'm starting to lose lucidity in the real world and other dangerous symptoms typical of a person suffering from Dpdr.

I don't know how more time I have left on this earth, but I know it's not much, I just want this pain to stop but I know it won't.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Adding to what I wrote above.

Right now I still have that calm feeling, but I consider this situation to be wrong.

I'm scared because I'm not scared

There's a voice inside my head that says: "your Dpdr is so deep! That's why you feel calm, it's because of how bad your dp has gotten! You are about to lose your mental sanity! You should be scared, not calm!"

And I think that this voice is actually right, I should be scared of my situation because perhaps this might the end, but I can't.

I'm literally forcing myself to be scared, but I can't, I know that my situation is really bad, but I simply can't feel scared no longer.

Back when I could feel my Dpdr there's was consistency, the more bad my Dpdr was getting the more I became scared, it was a rough time, but at least there was consistency.

But now that I feel calm despite knowing that my Dpdr is still getting worse there's no more consistency. I feel as this is wrong, I feel that I should be scared, but I can't.

Because I feel I might be at the end of my journey I have started to over analyze every single situation or action I do.

Every time I do something I always ask to myself "is this right? Is this an action that the normal, non-depersonalized me would do?" and everytime I get prompted with his question, I usually prefer to answer no.

The only thing I feel like doing is laying in bed and do nothing, because I feel as this is the right thing to do, this is what i would be doing if I knew I don't have much more to live here.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

I experienced horrifying DP that made me think "I should be scared, but I'm not" and it was because I didn't have a single drop of emotion left in my body. A really strange duality of experience when you are intellectually afraid but unable to turn it into emotion because you don't have any. I've been there man, I'm not totally out of it but I've definately been there.

Wewlad have you read any literature on the subject? There are some great and informative books out there that deal with anxiety and Dp, there is one by Claire Weeks which I haven't read, and one called 'At Last a Life' by Paul David which I had great success with some years ago, great book I still have it. Maybe give it a shot man it might help you figure things out in a more productive way.


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## kylekatarn (Apr 15, 2019)

I felt the way you did, truly.

You're feeling the way your supposed to feel when your body is flooded by stress hormone...

there's nothing wrong with you - except you are stuck in a panic cycle... where you have released stress hormone that's made you feel weird,

and you hyper focus on those feelings, which freaked you out and made you release more stress hormone.

Sounds like your body (mind+spirit) are now getting depleted. They can only take so much, until eventually even hell gets kinda boring.

I certainly had some suicidal ideation, but I remembered once hearing as long as I didn't start putting ducks in a row to make it happen I probably wouldn't do it.

It makes sense if the abyss gets wide enough, and the fear becomes great enough, that the thought of not experiencing any of it is a relief.

Anyway... I dunno if you watched my video I posted here a couple weeks ago - but I made one on my experience 




I left out existential rumination (which was a biggie for me) but there's some "inspirational" stuff at 4:15 if you want to skip my symptoms...

My advice is try to treat this like a journey... your own personal lord of the rings. (or insert fantasy movie you like.)

You are wading through the unknown and it requires so much bravery... and once you make your way through, and back out into the light, and back to yourself, you'll be a better person for it - so this isn't wasted time. It's really quite useful in terms of building anxiety coping mechanisms and character which you'll forever have. You didn't ask for it, but neither did frodo... just gotta get to mt. doom and drop the ring in... and ignore the call of the sirens (or the ring)... it requires faith, but you'll summon it. I promise I know how hard it is, and how alone you feel... but look at all these people who empathise, and want to help. We're all behind you, just trust us - Your brain will try to talk you out of believing us - but your brain is sprained and can't be trusted... (shakes head) nope... better to trust us.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

I really appreciate your comments and your support towards me.

But the main problem that I seem to be experiencing is the never ending worsening of my dp.

If I knew that I have reached rock bottom and that from there I could only climb up, then I would feel at peace with myself and attempt to live my day without worrying too much about it.

But unfortunately this is not my case, my progressive Dpdr is a never ending nightmare to which death or full detachment from reality is never reached, it's literally a bottomless pit

Like this morning for example, this morning I woke up feeling kind of normal, perhaps too much normal, and I was thinking that perhaps something was wrong.

I attempted to go on with my day without thinking too much about my Dpdr, but again, I knew something was wrong.

I was feeling fine, which I knew that was not a good sign, when the day before you feel extreme Dpdr and the day after you feel calm, that's usually never a good sign.

I started to get scared because I couldn't feel my dpdr, everything was too much normal, and eventually I had to stop doing what I was doing and went to lay in bed.

And that's how I got here, I nearly had a panic attack a few minutes ago because I felt as if Dpdr took full control over me and that me feeling scared was a way to break out of the automization that I was going through.

The battle against Dpdr is a never ending struggle between life and death, a battle to which I don't think I can actually win.

I'm still laying in bed and I'm not sure how to proceed from this point on as I'm too scared to do anything.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Guys please, I need help right now

A few minutes ago I just had a huge panic attack, the reason of why it's because I felt as I could no longer hear the voice inside my head and that everything I did was automatic. I felt as this entire day was me being completely automatic.

Please help me I'm so fucking scared right now, I feel as if I reached the end of the line, I feel this is it, I'm about to go insane

Please tell me this is not going to happen, please tell me this is not the end.

I can't take it anymore, when does it ends? Where does it fucking ends? How fucking can the dpdr can get?

Right now I'm still having the panic attack, I feel as if I lost my soul, I I completely lost all connections with reality, please help me, I don't want to go insane


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

U will NOT go insane. U just typed a really normal post. An mental case can't produce something like that. 
Ure anxiety is taking u on a ride my friend. Ure in a loophole and it's going downwards but i PROMISE it will change.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

Hey Wewlad,

It's JUST adrenaline, nomatter how bad it feels, how awful it gets, it's only adrenaline, and it will pass. I can't hear the voice in my head either, there's a lot of really fucked up shit that goes on, it's ALL temporary. None of us deserve this, but we're all strong enough to ride this out.

Time to get some water in you. Maybe put on the tv or go for a walk near some trees. You'll still be here and not insane tommorow.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

NomdeGuerra said:


> U will NOT go insane. U just typed a really normal post. An mental case can't produce something like that.
> Ure anxiety is taking u on a ride my friend. Ure in a loophole and it's going downwards but i PROMISE it will change.


Yes, but when it will change?

It's since February that my Dpdr began its path to the abyss, and it has never stopped.

There is always this never ending menace of death/insanity that's ever-present in my life, the fear that I might go insane is always behind the corner, and today was a demonstration of that.

I simply don't know how much more I can take in, I feel fucking exhausted from the panic attack I just had, I just want this to stop, I don't know how longer I can go with this.


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

Also with this high anxiety and panic u can take some good medicine just to take edge off. It will make feel more at ease. I know ure afraid of meds but i will try some Xanax or something.


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## kylekatarn (Apr 15, 2019)

I was afraid of meds myself and with the exception of taking an adivan twice when I desperately needed some rest I never took any meds. It’s only been since February, I know it seems like forever but in the scheme of things it’s not that long. I promise you won’t go insane and I will help you down from the ledge, you can e-mail me directly at [email protected] or continue to post here for the community’s assistance. You’re not alone and most people here have gone down (or are currently going down) the scary path you find yourself on now. You have our full support. Setbacks are common, but you will make it out, and you won’t regret this experience in the end.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Update. I appear to be stuck in a cycle

1)Wake up one day feeling calm, unable to sense the dp
2)go through the day or a few feeling calm, starting to getting worried of why I feel like this.
3)Realize I shouldn't feel like this, and that my Dpdr is still here and kicking
4)have a panic attack, feeling as if I'm about die/go insane
5)eventually calm down, and go to sleep
6)repeat

I'm now in the calm state again, knowing that this is not a sign of improvement, and wanted to ask tips on how to proceed from this point on.

On an another note, I came to realization that I can no longer sleep without having a nightmare during it.

I literally cannot remember when it was the last time I managed to sleep without a nightmare, it's been a few weeks now.

Funny thing is that my nightmares are all the same, they all have the same plot: me having extreme Dpdr

And when I wake up, I try to compare the nightmare I just had with reality, and see if they are the same.

This is exactly how my Dpdr came back, I had a nightmare in which I had Dpdr, and when I woke up, it came back to me


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

I mean this is the classic anxiety cycle Wewlad: focus on yourself all day, perpetuate your symptoms by having anxiety about having anxiety. This is literally the most classic anxiety cycle. It's become automatic for you to think about yourself. The way you gotta break it is by re-asserting your focus onto the outside world again. And why not try riding out or dare I say enjoy your periods of calm? the way anxiety works is that after all the adrenaline and fear is used up it gives you a period a serenity and calmness, there's nothing not to like, even if it is only a break in the storm.

At this point I would literally conquer civilizations for 5 minutes of peace


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Where said:


> I told you to see a therapist for anxiety maybe three times, so I'm not sure if you're reading me. I can respond to your question, though.
> 
> 1. You have chronic DP. Don't wake up with the expectation that you'll be spontaneously rid of it.
> 2. When you start to notice your DP, just notice it. Don't bother worrying about how you "should" feel, because this is how you do feel.
> ...


I never took the calm as a sign of improvement, I know I have chronic DP and that I need to seek a therapist ASAP, but right now there's a bigger threat that needs to be taken care of.

And that is, my progressive Dpdr.

Believe it or not, but my Dpdr always keeps getting worse each day that passes, my symptoms keeps increasing in intensivity without ever stopping.

I don't know how much time I have left to live, the abyss I have fallen into truly is bottomless


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Where said:


> That doesn't make sense, man. Seek some help for your anxiety if you legitimately believe you're dying from DP. Maybe get medically cleared too, just to be sure everything is okay on that front.


I know it doesn't make sense, I just want to find out the reason of why my Dpdr keeps worsening


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Wewlad said:


> I know it doesn't make sense, I just want to find out the reason of why my Dpdr keeps worsening


And the fact that my Dpdr keeps worsening is causing me tons of problems.

There's always this voice in my head that says "your Dpdr will never reach a bottom!" you will keep getting worse and worse until you become insane!"

And unfortunately there's no way no shut that voice off, because my Dpdr is proving it to be right

My Dpdr IS STILL getting worse, it's since February that it began and after 4 months it still won't stop worsening, and as long as it keeps getting worse, I will never be able to stop ruminating on it.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

Where said:


> I wish I could tell you why it's worsening. If it's a secondary problem to some kind of illness or condition, including stress/anxiety, that could be an explanation. It might not be possible for anyone to know why you feel your DP is worsening, because nobody really knows what DP is.
> 
> OCD can eventually make a person insane if it gets worse and goes unchecked, though people with unchecked OCD usually just become very miserable and distant.
> 
> ...


Insanity is generally defined as a break from reality in which the sufferer isn't aware their cognition has diverged from what is actually happening. An insane person might be experiencing delusions of grandeur, euphoria, paranoia and all for reasons that don't actually exist. In all my experience and research I've not heard of anyone with an anxiety spectrum disorder going actually insane. Sure your experience can diverge drastically from the norm, it can include a total lack of logic and reason and can make you feel like shit, but insanity is not possible from anxiety itself. Different mechanics. By being on this forum all participants are decidedly not insane as they are here because they know they've got a problem.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Where said:


> I wish I could tell you why it's worsening. If it's a secondary problem to some kind of illness or condition, including stress/anxiety, that could be an explanation. It might not be possible for anyone to know why you feel your DP is worsening, because nobody really knows what DP is.
> 
> OCD can eventually make a person insane if it gets worse and goes unchecked, though people with unchecked OCD usually just become very miserable and distant.
> 
> ...


I will try to get help as soon as possible.

I simply hope that whatever is making my Dpdr worse is nothing physical (like a brain tumor) or uncurable (like Alzheimer or dementia) and that it's possible to lessen the symptoms and hopefully fully recover.

I do not exclude OCD out of this, as I believe that I did actually suffer from OCD a few years ago (although It has never been diagnosed)


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

Just for my information. Which country Do U live, Where?


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

NomdeGuerra said:


> Just for my information. Which country Do U live, Where?


I live in Italy, if you wanted that to know.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Where said:


> Thanks for listening. If you live in a developed country, you can probably call the local crisis center's non-emergency line and ask if they can connect you to some kind of early intervention services.
> 
> You might also be able to google this information, or call 211 if you live in the US, if you're wary of calling the crisis center.
> 
> ...


Welp, if I have to be honest I'm actually scared of getting a neurologist checkup.

I know it might sound childish, but I'm actually scared of doing a neurologist checkup, the reason of why is because I'm actually scared of uncovering some horrifying truth in it.

The fear that i might be suffering from a brain tumor or that I'm starting to develop dementia scares the shit outta me, so I'm hesitant on doing those visits


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Wewlad said:


> Update. I appear to be stuck in a cycle
> 
> 1)Wake up one day feeling calm, unable to sense the dp
> 2)go through the day or a few feeling calm, starting to getting worried of why I feel like this.
> ...


Apparently yes, there truly seems to be a pattern.

During those my Dpdr had a clearly pattern.

1)at morning and during school, my Dpdr is very high, literally unbearable
2)after I come back home and have lunch, I usually lay in bed doing things on my phone, this is when my Dpdr starts to calm, like if it was almost completely gone.
3)during the night before dinner my Dpdr rises again reaching the same intensity of the morning
4)after dinner while I lay in bed before falling sleep my Dpdr starts to lessen

I have been in this cycle multiple times in the past week, I sometimes was able to go on a few with calm dpdr before reaching new levels of intensity


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Where said:


> USA.
> 
> ***
> 
> Sorry you're going through a rough time, Wewlad.


Well, it's not too bad now.

I'm in the calm state again, unable to sense my Dpdr, but I'm scared of other symptoms I'm starting to experience.

Like having difficulties in studying, when I attempt to read anything my mind is always somewhere else and I can't properly memorize what I'm reading


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Where said:


> USA.
> 
> ***
> 
> Sorry you're going through a rough time, Wewlad.


Well, it's not too bad now.

I'm in the calm state again, unable to sense my Dpdr, but I'm scared of other symptoms I'm starting to experience.

Like having difficulties in studying, when I attempt to read anything my mind is always somewhere else and I can't properly memorize what I'm reading


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Wewlad said:


> Well, it's not too bad now.
> 
> I'm in the calm state again, unable to sense my Dpdr, but I'm scared of other symptoms I'm starting to experience.
> 
> Like having difficulties in studying, when I attempt to read anything my mind is always somewhere else and I can't properly memorize what I'm reading


But I know that this calm doesn't mean that my Dpdr is regressing, in fact, it's still worsening.

I don't know if i should fight against it in an attempt to keep my sanity or let it come without fighting it.

It doesn't matter what I choose, because at the end of the day I will still get devoured by the abyss


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Wewlad said:


> But I know that this calm doesn't mean that my Dpdr is regressing, in fact, it's still worsening.
> 
> I don't know if i should fight against it in an attempt to keep my sanity or let it come without fighting it.
> 
> It doesn't matter what I choose, because at the end of the day I will still get devoured by the abyss


It has pretty much got to the point to which I have become more scared when I feel calm than when I can feel the dp.

Because when I feel calm I feel as if this is wrong, I suffered a Dpdr so deep, yet suddenly I feel so calm, it is too good to be true.

When I feel calm instead of feeling my Dpdr, I feel that I have gone so deep into the Dp that's nearly impossible to climb back on the top, I feel as if my mind is attempting to accept insanity as the new normal and I don't like that at all.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Wewlad said:


> It has pretty much got to the point to which I have become more scared when I feel calm than when I can feel the dp.
> 
> Because when I feel calm I feel as if this is wrong, I suffered a Dpdr so deep, yet suddenly I feel so calm, it is too good to be true.
> 
> When I feel calm instead of feeling my Dpdr, I feel that I have gone so deep into the Dp that's nearly impossible to climb back on the top, I feel as if my mind is attempting to accept insanity as the new normal and I don't like that at all.


Another scary factor is that the Dpdr is making me cognitively impaired.

I'm overall slower, I have a hard time studying or remembering information.

I'm now no longer scared of Dpdr (even thought it's still worsening) but the fear that this might be dementia rather than simple dr is always around the corner.


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## Al_pk (Apr 20, 2019)

It's not dementia, everyone with dp suffers cognitively to varying degrees. waste of brain energy worrying about that.


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## Wewlad (Apr 26, 2019)

Another update.

In those past days I seem to have partially "tamed" my Dpdr, meaning that it's still here, but I'm trying to not get scared or anxious about it.

And it has worked so far, when I wake up in the morning I no longer feel as if thousand of years have passed since yesterday and even nightmares seems to have started to disappear from my sleep.

But this is no way a full recovery, the Dpdr is still here and I'm starting to notice some blank mind symptoms, meaning that my mind doesn't seems to be able to create any thought inside my head and I feel very impaired because of it


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

How ure doing Wewlad?


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## Johanna1980 (Mar 21, 2018)

Al_pk said:


> I'm like you in that coping mechanisms don't really work very well for me, so I just don't. Don't bother with conventional coping mechanisms that don't work, because DP turns so much on it's head. They can sometimes do the opposite. Instead, to get better it is vital that you feel as shit as you need to feel at any given time, you body is just letting off bad energy.
> 
> one thing that helps me get through the day is something I once read that no pain can last forever as we have chemistry to deal with these things.
> 
> Be brave friend and never, EVER give up


Hey, I think like you. My dpdr is so severe its insane. Its been 6 years of this nightmare but I haven't given up. I just keep thinking Gods gonna pull me through this and it can't last forever. I've noticed its been a couple years since you responded. How are you doing now? I've looked at many different treatments like detox, diet etc etc. Have you tried any of this? There is HUGE hope! My neurologist gave me steroids and ALL of my SEVERE symptoms went away within MINUTES! And I remember thinking - wow, I'm not as far as I thought I was ! It all came back but then it started to lift again when I started to fix my gut infection and also detox! I'm going to be starting it again but this time I'm going to stay consistent. Hope to hear from you !!!


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## kalin (2 mo ago)

What happened??? How are you now?


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## kalin (2 mo ago)

did he commit suicide


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