# the day that I changed



## Path (Sep 19, 2015)

*1993*

I'm awake and walking down the Ave,

University Way NE,

Seattle,

Washington,

stoned out my mind,

my two closest friends on either side of me.

Something is coming.

It rolls over the top of me,

like a giant hamster wheel:

for a unit of time,

I don't know who I am,

I don't know my own name,

I don't know anything.

I still see the shapes of everything around me,

but none of it exists,

just space.

Sensing my fear,

Mike and Colin hold on tight to me,

both sides.

"Come on, man,"

Mike says.

They keep me moving forward,

one step at a time.

The next day,

I don't feel okay at all.

I am looking out at the world through some wrong filter.

The distance between me and everything else

has grown almost unbearably wide.

I tell myself,

I know what normal feels like,

and this isn't normal.

I'll give it 3 days.

If I'm still not right,

I'll tell my parents,

they'll take me to a doctor.

3 days turns into a week.

I'll give it a month,

I tell myself.

At the end of the month,

I'm not too sure about it all.

I don't think I'm back to normal,

I still feel weird.

But it's hard to tell.

I think I'm getting better,

but maybe I'm just getting used to it.

I extend the deadline again.

The 3 days that turned into a week that turned into a month

turned into decades.

I might still be waiting.

Still waiting to see if I feel normal again,

or if I need to tell someone.

This one's not a dream,

more like a container.


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## Path (Sep 19, 2015)

I wrote this before I had ever heard of DPD.

I am 37 years old, and have struggled with what I came to call "depression" for my entire adult life. Just this week, I stumbled across a written description of Depersonalization Derealization Disorder, which I had never heard of. As I read, I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I was finding, for the first time ever, a precise description of symptoms that I have been feeling since age 15 or earlier, but which I have never been able to explain adequately to therapists, family, and friends. I believe that DPD may have been triggered by an incident when I was a teenager in which I felt as if my identity was erased while under the influence of marijuana.

While I am somewhat relieved to find out that this condition that has been clearly identified and studied, I also feel very disoriented by this new information. Although I have never responded fully to treatment for depression/ anxiety, I realize that I have become very invested in seeing my own symptoms through that lens, because it gave me hope that mainstream treatments for depression/anxiety will at some point be effective at lifting what has felt like an invisible barrier separating me from the world. Now I am feeling like I need to reorient myself to a totally different set of resources for a disorder that I (and many others, even therapists I have had apparently) had never heard of.

Has anyone else had a similar experience of chronic DPD with many years of misdiagnosis? I would love to hear any advice you have about how to process this new information. It's a pretty big shock to the system, and I am thinking about it obsessively for the last 5 days.


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

Hey Pete. My story is pretty similar. I called it depression for years because I had no idea what DP/DR was. A few years ago out of frustration I typed in some of the odder symptoms that I was experiencing and I came across this website. It is a relief to actually hear people describing exactly what you have been through all alone for ages! Filtered throughout this website are great pieces of advice on how to improve and even recover from this terrible disorder.

The last couple of years have been a slow and steady climb out of DP/DR. In fact, I would say that what I deal with now is more actual depression than disassociation. The more you educate yourself about this disorder the easier it is to overcome it. I had it quite severely for quite a long time, and in terms of the normal symptoms of feeling unreal, detached, and stuck in an existential hell among other things they are pretty much gone. I still see some really low grade symptoms of general disassociation, but it takes time to come out of it sometimes. The nervous system gets very used to being on high alert and isn't always ready to give up that alertness, but as long as you continue to reconnect to yourself, your feelings and your body it will happen.

Have you seen a therapist? I recommend one who specializes in trauma recovery and the body since the nervous system plays a large part in disassociation.


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## Path (Sep 19, 2015)

Thanks, retep. It is definitely a relief to find that there is community of people who have had similar experiences and are sharing tools for recovery. I am in the process of trying to find a somatically oriented therapist that I can work with on this. Do you think it is essential that they have experience working with this disorder or is it enough to have a general focus on trauma and the body? Btw, if anyone has recommendations for therapists in the LA area, that would be super helpful.


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## Anonymity (Jul 8, 2013)

DPD is often unknown by therapists and many times misdiagnosed for anxiety, depression, or/and OCD. Many people have been in your shoes.

My advice to you is to find a therapist who is experienced in dissociation. This therapist will most likely understand what you are experiencing and may be able to help you work your way back to feeling 'normal'.

I live in LA, and there is a doctor by the name of Terry Marks-Tarlow who was recommended to me by Dr. Allan Schore. Dr. Schore is a respected doctor in the mental health field, and understands the root causes of dissociation.

Anyway, Terry Marks-Tarlow's office is in Santa Monica. Her website is www.markstarlow.com and her email is [email protected]

She can also give you recommendations to other therapists that better fit your price range or location.

I have never had any personal experience with a therapist because of reasons. But, seeing as Dr. Allan Schore is reputable, I feel that Marks Tarlow may be able to help you get on the right track.

Best of luck


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

The therapist I've worked with has not worked with someone who has had DP/DR but has worked with people who have had ptsd, and various physical traumas. The goal amongst people who have dissociative disorders is to reconnect to themselves through their body by coming out of the flight, fight, or freeze states, for most in DP it's the freeze state. IMO, as long as you feel comfortable with the therapist and they know what they are doing I don't think it's important that they know a significant amount about DP.

It looks like Anonymity has some great recommendations. Best of luck!


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## Path (Sep 19, 2015)

Thanks Anonymity and retep. It makes sense that body-focused therapy would be most effective.

Part of my experience of DP/DR is the sensation that "talking" feels one step removed from what's really going on internally, which can make talk therapy feel like just another place to go through the motions or autopilot, like there is a realm that is not being penetrated or accessed. I do think that our bodies store a lot of information that we often do not have access to through "thinking".

I'd be curious, retep, if you have experiences with particular schools of body-focused therapy like Somatic Experiencing or Sensorimotor Psychotherapy or others that I may not have heard of that you feel have been especially effective.


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