# My depersonalization experience



## WhereIsMyMind? (Nov 21, 2012)

Hey everyone, I'm new here and just wanted to see if anyone has similar symptoms to me(sorry for the really long post!). This all started for me about a year ago, last December. After a year of stressful events leading up to a few of the most stressful weeks of my life (I was forced to live in a youth shelter under personal circumstances), I finally returned home to realize that I wasn't the same person I was before. Obviously, this is to be expected, but not in the way it happened. My brain felt like it was in a fog, and I started thinking it was brain damage from hitting my head the previous week. I saw my doctor, got an MRI that turned out negative, and saw a psychiatrist who told me I had Major Depressive Disorder with Social Anxiety/phobia. I was on Prozac for a while, and I felt better after going to summer school and finishing a credit, but just my mood was better, but my mind wasn't much clearer(though it was great that I was living a life again, so I could somewhat ignore it). I went off the Prozac, was able to socialize fine at a few parties and when going out with friends for a few months, then I fell into another depressive episode. Now I'm back where I started, and I've realized it's not just depression, but something else obstructing my thoughts

My friend went through this, and told me it sounds extremely similar to depersonalization, and that he went through it, and is still recovering (though he says it's improved a lot). Also, all the research I can find about "brain fog" points back to this.

This is exactly what my brain fog feels like:

-There used to an internal dialogue in my head, or a "train of thought". It's as if that dialogue is gone, and my head is ALWAYS blank. Anything I do or say just happens, as if my mind's asleep and my body is on autopilot. I do have some thoughts, but they're either negative, very unclear(as if the volume of my thoughts is turned down), or when I do start to have a train of thought, I get distracted or it just stops after a sentence or two.

-I feel demented. My memory is absolutely awful, whereas I used to have an amazing memory. Whenever I watch a movie or show, I forget about it by the next day. I can't remember what I did 2 days ago, or I have to try extremely hard to do so. It's like I'm doing everything I do to forget it after a short period of time, like there's no point to doing anything&#8230;

-I don't feel as if my arms and legs are detached, though I do feel as if I'm living in a dream. It wouldn't be the first way I'd describe it, but I can completely relate. I don't feel joy like I used to, it's constant anhedonia, like I'm numb to everything around me. But I can still feel some sadness and wish I was in another person's shoes, so it's not like I'm completely emotionless, but they are very dumbed down.

-My creativity is dead. I used to write a lot of lyrics and music, but I can't think of any creative connections between anything anymore.

-Not sure if this is related, but though I got a hearing test that turned out fine, I miss a lot of what people say in conversations, but my ears do feel somewhat plugged and sometimes hurt, so I should probably go back to doctor and check it out(it's not earwax)

So, now I'm just a hypochondriac who keeps thinking I'm brain damaged or something, which I never worried about before. I just really want to be who I was years ago, and it's starting to feel like it'll never happen. Any advice or similar experiences? Or can anyone confirm that this is probably depersonalization? Thanks in advance.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

I experience every single one of those symptoms you have described, particularly the memory one and the lack of a constant thought process. I've found that after some time thoughts did start to come back but it's almost as if they are not 'mine' and don't refer to 'me' at all.

Also, creativity has gone out of the window for me. I usually end up smashing things in frustration because no ideas come... no imagination about what to do. I have managed to get by for 2 years like this. I also had an MRI scan which of course, like yours, came back negative.

I would say it's depersonalisation yes.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

I think I've read in some places that "Brain Fog" is just the better or more socially acceptable way to talk about depersonalization. It sounds to me like you have it, brought on by the depressive episode. Several years ago I was diagnosed with Major Depression with Depersonalization. This time around my DP is brought about by anxiety.

I can assure you, you aren't brain damaged and I'm sure there are no random diseases or other mental illnesses causing your problems. You pretty much reached a level of depression/anxiety where your mind decided it essentially needed a break. The thoughts/feelings you were perhaps experiencing were too intense, so your brain put up this "fog" to protect itself.

Everyone requires a different kind of regimen to get "better" as there is no "cure." The main thing you have to do is let go of the obsessive thought/worry about the "feeling" and continue on with life. It's much easier said then done (obviously or I wouldn't be back here). Good luck!


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## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

You heal eventually but it can take a long time. I've had DP since October 2010. I'd say I'm perhaps 40% recovered. It's slow and incremental. Lamotrigine combined with rhodiola has helped me, as has therapy addressed to the reasons I erected the DP shield. I feel that DP is quasi neurological, I wouldn't say that willpower has much to do with it. Fighting it directly makes it stronger. I guess I'll be fully recovered in another 3 years or so, I feel pretty confident about that.


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## WhereIsMyMind? (Nov 21, 2012)

So can I plan to someday be 100% again? It seems that everyone has a different opinion on whether they think it can be cured or not. Does exercise help at all? And have you guys had the hearing symptoms, where it's hard to catch every word someone says or you're scared you're losing your hearing? Or a plugged feeling/pain in the ears?


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## trina (Nov 29, 2012)

I have the ear thing too. I was thinking about going to the Dr. About it as well .... My ears don't hurt they jjust feel stopped up.


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## trina (Nov 29, 2012)

I have the ear thing too. I was thinking about going to the Dr. About it as well .... My ears don't hurt they jjust feel stopped up.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

> My creativity is dead. I used to write a lot of lyrics and music, but I can't think of any creative connections between anything anymore.


I've written lyrics and music both before and after onset (although I didn't for 2 years after onset).

"Losing your creativity" isn't some integral feature of DP. It's just that you're so freaked out initially, you're too busy dealing with that to be creative.

When I had initial DP onset, I lost about 15-18 IQ points - my attention and short term memory were constricted into a tiny little patch. It's mostly come back - there are still deficits (such as certain type of memory), but as far as academic standardized tests are concerned, it's not abilities they catch. I'm scoring about as well as before onset.


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## AussiePheonix (Dec 5, 2012)

In relation to both visual and hearing problems, i think it's because our brains are overwhelmed with anxiety that they simply can't process visual and auditory stimuli properly. I notice in a noisy coffee shop I find it hard to lock onto the voice of the person that is speaking and block out the rest. From what I read this skill is called "selective attention" where the brain filters out irrelevant stimuli so we can focus on what's important.

In terms of visual processing I seem to have problems with patterns now. If I look at stripes or detailed patterns my brain seems to have problems processing it.

Can anyone relate?


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## xxmdogxx (Jun 26, 2012)

Midnight said:


> I experience every single one of those symptoms you have described, particularly the memory one and the lack of a constant thought process. I've found that after some time thoughts did start to come back but it's almost as if they are not 'mine' and don't refer to 'me' at all.
> 
> Also, creativity has gone out of the window for me. I usually end up smashing things in frustration because no ideas come... no imagination about what to do. I have managed to get by for 2 years like this. I also had an MRI scan which of course, like yours, came back negative.
> 
> I would say it's depersonalisation yes.


i feel for you man


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