# Ugh...scared...anxious...advice?



## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

Today... well, today I am feeling pretty bad. I went out to a movie with my mom after work, and tried to enjoy it the best I could, but my derealization was so intense that it was hard. I kept having obsessive thoughts mainly revolving around "am i real? is this moment real? is this real life?" etc. The even worse part is my mom has no idea what I deal with on a day-to-day basis, or how fucked up I really am these days - so, that in itself gives me anxiety and makes me feel very alone. I want to tell her about all this stuff, but I don't know how. I don't know how she would react, or how to explain it. I really, really truly wish I could share what I'm going through with her... but I'm so scared she's going to get extremely worried, or sad, or confused, or that I will stress her out. I would appreciate anyone's input who has dealt with approaching their mother with an issue like DP/DR, and anxiety.

Anyway, now, here I am at home, writing on here in hopes of maybe at least getting some of my thoughts out of my head and written down before I try to sleep.

I sort of feel like I am going crazy at this point, and I'm starting to become very scared. In fact, I am so worried that I am going crazy that I literally spend a good amount of time googling about psychosis, and reading through all the checklists of symptoms, and blah blah. After I have done all that, I feel worse. I have so much anxiety about "going crazy" that it's seriously starting to consume a good portion of my life. I don't honestly understand what's going on with me. I have had anxiety my entire life (the majority of it being social)... but in this past year or so (23 1/2 to now 24 1/2) I feel like things are becoming worse (generalized anxiety on top of the social anxiety), and I'm feeling like I have less and less control. It may have something to do with my relationship with my boyfriend (this past year or so) which is extremely chaotic and stressful... and truth be told, I had never felt DP/DR as consistently and strongly than in this past year. If I bring this up to him, and say that I think the relationship has triggered this stuff, he will state that he could not have possibly caused me a mental disorder, and that I would be feeling this way regardless of our relationship. He tells me stop blaming him for my mental illness - which seriously irritates me... We constantly argue and fight about things, and in fact, it's to the point where I am really not happy anymore in it... but, I am scared to break it off for my own personal sake and sanity (literally). So, I just continue on in the relationship anyway. So, there's that.

Hmm. Oh... I still can't shake my existential crisis. It feels stronger than ever. The existential and philosophical thoughts will not go away and it's making that "going crazy" feeling worse. I swear, a year and a half ago, I NEVER thought about anything existential or philosophical - and now, it consumes a very large portion of my daily thoughts. In fact, I would say I have Pure O in regards to this. Like, what changed in my brain that in the course of a year my thoughts are so different than what they were a year prior?? It's seriously concerning. Any insight would be welcomed. I am scared. I just want to feel real, and I want my old self back. I used to think "this can't get any worse" in regards to my anxiety issues and depression - but, it did get worse.

I know this was kind of long.
I needed to vent somewhere.

Thoughts?


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## sherlock (Sep 30, 2011)

I can absolutely relate to what you're feeling... First, I'd advice you to tell your mother about it... when I told mine, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest and to actually be able to vent with someone IRL (especially a parent, if you have a good relationship) is extremely important imo. Especially if you're having "is this real, am I real" thoughts. In a way you're isolating yourself and this could lead to even more anxiety (like you mentioned) and I'm pretty sure it feeds your "is this real" thoughts.

And about those thoughts... I've had them so many times and they've gotten so deep that I'm confident to say that I'm pretty much an expert, haha. Let me just say this... *They. Will. Pass. *I spent about a week obsessing over those questions and it got to points where I was confident no one but me existed and that it just my imagination/a dream. It was one of the worst weeks (if not the worst) of my life, I even went to the emergency psychiatric one night. I thought I was gonna be like that forever. But trust me, you're not gonna obsess over those thoughts forever. Touch things, smell, do stuff with your hands, with your body, be active - nothing you ever read (not even this) will fully convince you that life is real - but life itself will convince you. You just have to be patient, not give up and stop being scared of your thoughts. Because that's what they are... just thoughts. And if you think/are afraid of going crazy you automatically WILL NOT go crazy... and stop googling for christ sake! it's your worst enemy at this point









I myself, like you, am going through a severe existential crisis right now. I calm myself by thinking about times (well, most of my life) when I didn't have these thoughts and everything seemed normal. I'm confident I can go back to that. I wish I had more advice about this, but as a matter of fact I'm in desperate need of some myself so... maybe in the future, hopefully









I hope this helped!


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

_Obsessive thinking about going insane is classic DP...Psychosis and Schizophrenia are the 2 of the most common for DP sufferers to obsess about....Doctors and Psychiatrists told me for years that i was basically suffering from acute anxiety and DP was a result of the anxiety...But i just couldnt believe them...I always thought anxiety was just being worried about stuff...I didnt ever think it could incapacitate me and i definitely didnt know it could cause terrifying symptoms like 3D vision,intrusive scarey thinking,obsessing about going insane,feeling like i wasnt part of the real world,not recognising myself in the mirror,thinking i was gonna start seeing stuff/people that werent really there,thinking i was gonna start hearing voices,being afraid of my inner mind,etc etc etc.......... _

_The day i accepted that what i had was DP and nothing else the power was taken from it.....Im still left with DP but it doesnt haunt me the way it used to....And thats what it did for years It HAUNTED me!!!!_

_DP is worry,fear and anxiety in its worst form...._

_Considering the extreme symptoms it causes its no wonder we think we are going totally nuts..._


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

By the way....I can totally identify with you wanting so bad just to be the person you used to be....That was another thing i obsessed about in my early DP days....I felt like i had lost touch with the person i used to be and it scared me (made me think i had multiple personalities)....It also made me feel like i would never get that person back again....The result was more anxiety,more worry and more fear!

What i had to do was accept my DP for what it was (DP and nothing else)

When you accept DP for what it is you will start to begin to feel more like your old self again...That has been my experience!

I can also tell you that after 22 years of DP im still the same person i was before i got sick...I just see things and feel things in a slightly different way thats all.....


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## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

_"Obsessive thinking about going insane is classic DP...Psychosis and Schizophrenia are the 2 of the most common for DP sufferers to obsess about....Doctors and Psychiatrists told me for years that i was basically suffering from acute anxiety and DP was a result of the anxiety...But i just couldnt believe them...I always thought anxiety was just being worried about stuff...I didnt ever think it could incapacitate me and i definitely didnt know it could cause terrifying symptoms like 3D vision,intrusive scarey thinking,obsessing about going insane,feeling like i wasnt part of the real world,not recognising myself in the mirror,thinking i was gonna start seeing stuff/people that werent really there,thinking i was gonna start hearing voices,being afraid of my inner mind,etc etc etc.......... "_

*Yes, this is exactly what I worry about pretty regularly. It scares me. I want to not be thinking these thoughts, and I seem to not be able to control it. How are you able to control it, or at least cope with it? I am having a hard time still. Are there any meds out there to help me cope with this? I went to a psychiatrist, and she recommended I go on Lexapro. I have not yet taken it, as I am afraid to dabble with psych meds. I have read things about certain meds actually giving people DP/DR, or making it worse. Any thoughts? *


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

A drug called Dolmatil (also known as Sulpiride) has helped me for many years now.....I use it in conjunction with an anti depressant called Cipramil (also called Citalopram)

The combination of these 2 drugs has been very beneficial in my case....They have helped me lead a reasonably ok life for many years now....My DP is still always there in the background though...Just alot more bearable with the medicine!


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## Isilme (Jul 8, 2012)

I also have this obsessive thoughts like you said ( am I real?, is life real? how can i know I´m not dreaming right now? etc.) or I wonder how is it possible that I´m alive, that i can move or think, that i have a body and i´m in it... It makes me so scared...This all makes me feel afraid of myself.. I can´t give you any advice I just want you to know you are not alone in this .. I´m trying to calm myself down with thinking about that i´m not the only one in the world with this because I don´t know anything else to do .. It´s better when I´m busy by something but it never really goes away :/ I would like to feel normal and happy, not being scared almost all the time...

By the way, I was also afraid of telling my parents, but i did, because i had to tell someday how i feel and even if my mom don´t really understand what i´m going trough she is trying to help me and also my dad, so you should tell your mum, or friend, or somebody...

Good luck


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## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

_"I can absolutely relate to what you're feeling... First, I'd advice you to tell your mother about it... when I told mine, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest and to actually be able to vent with someone IRL (especially a parent, if you have a good relationship) is extremely important imo. Especially if you're having "is this real, am I real" thoughts. In a way you're isolating yourself and this could lead to even more anxiety (like you mentioned) and I'm pretty sure it feeds your "is this real" thoughts."_

*How did you tell your mother about it? I am VERY nervous to do this. Mainly, I feel like she won't get it - in fact, I'm pretty sure she won't. While my mom is not the judging type whatsoever, when I did tell her years back that I felt depressed, her reaction was "Why? You have nothing to be depressed about? You have a good life, blah blah" - and while all of that held true, it didn't change the fact I felt depressed. She just didn't "get it" - and I think with DP/DR she even MORE SO won't understand because to anyone who doesn't know what this feels like, it's probably very confusing to grasp. I really don't know how to sit her down and tell her all of what's going on with me. I don't want to overly freak her out or get her stressed out and overly concerned with what's going on with me. But at the same time, I wish she knew what I was dealing with and could help me cope and be able to talk to her about it. >.<*


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## Fernoso716 (Oct 13, 2012)

Yea I hate when rhe the ones who had it for years..scare the people who just now getting it or whatever. "Even tho I kniw they not trying to scare them". Tell your parents....come wwith paperwork to educate them on the disorder so they can have a full understanding


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## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

So, I told my mom... everything... and maybe not under the calmest circumstances.

Wednesday night, I broke off my relationship with my boyfriend of 1 and a half years, for good. We have been through the break-up make-up routine about 5 times at this point. This time, I am truly done. Our relationship just keeps getting worse, and causing me more and more anxiety that I literally cannot continue it. So, anyway... Wednesday night I came home after breaking up and went in my room, crying. (I live at home still) and my mom came in and asked me what's wrong. I basically spilled everything... I could no longer keep it in. I let her know we broke up, and told her all the reasons why, and she was extremely supportive in my decision and agrees fully that the relationship was not healthy. Also... I told her about the therapists I've been seeing, the psychiatrist appointment, my anxiety, and attempted to explain my ongoing DP/DR (which she couldn't quite understand, but I said I would give her a book I have on it to help her if she would like - she said she was interested in that). It was SO relieving to get this off my chest. She then told me that she has seen a therapist on and off since her divorce, and did not find it weird that I was seeing one. She even offered that perhaps I see hers, as hers knows my back story already (deadbeat dad issues in my childhood). Anyway, while telling her does not make my problems go away, it is nice to know that now the line of communication is open to talk about this stuff. I feel it's especially important now that she knows what I am dealing with, since I've broken up with my boyfriend. =/

Anyway, thanks to those of you who encouraged me to tell her about it. It was absolutely a good decision.


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## Samaral (Mar 26, 2012)

I relate to this 100% sometimes it is so debilitating and messed up, I feel there are no words to express it. Existential hell, no one can imagine it unless you are experiencing it.


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## Samaral (Mar 26, 2012)

I relate to this 100% sometimes it is so debilitating and messed up, I feel there are no words to express it. Existential hell, no one can imagine it unless you are experiencing it.


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