# On My Way but One Last Barrier, Thanks Fearless!



## followme (Mar 23, 2013)

Hello everyone,

If you haven't read Fearless' blog you need to. Now when I say read, you have to understand that when he tells you to study it, you truly have to. It will not click by skimming through it. I'm currently not recovered, but I have come to the conclusion there is one thing holding me back. MY WILLINGNESS TO FEEL THE PAIN, which caused me to "depersonalize" in the first place. I will FEEL THE PAIN in therapy or my bedroom here shortly, but I now know I am in control. I believe this is a 2 step process. Understanding why you "depersonalized" (which in reality is a name we all termed for our symptoms) and feeling the pain. No longer monitoring your "depersonalization" is key. All they are are symptoms of the trauma (threat to your safety).

Now reading Fearless' blog is absolutely a god send. The information is things that truly will relate to your life, but you have to be careful with reading into it too much. This causes you to think way too much, and associate everything with your parents way of raising you (being traumatic), when in reality that is only important in understanding how to you disassociated in the first place. Me watching my parents fight when I was 4 may have caused me to "freeze" in the first place, but I could give a shit less now a days that they fought. Understanding that you froze is most important. The past is the past, so you can't change it. You can only FEEL it and move forward.

A very important part in this understanding is our fight, flight, and freeze responses. If you think about all the traumatic events in your life, you more than likely froze. With depersonalization, we are stuck in the very own survival mechanism that was only meant to protect us in the first place. If you watch this video of a polar bear being chased, his last ditch effort is to freeze in order to survive. Upon the threat passing, he has a negative energy discharge and he is able to get up and move on with life. The only animals that don't have this negative energy discharge are caged animals. Well you may ask this question. As humans why do we not have a negative energy discharge and move on with life? Well we do live in a cage, a cultural cage. Our EGO is the only thing holding us back from recovering from "depersonalization."

For me what made this click is applying this theory to my own life. I was having major issues with overcoming my brothers death. It was sudden and shocking, but I didn't know why I couldn't let out a good cry (going on 3 years). Did I not care? Did I not feel? Well I looked back to the exact moment I found out my brother died. I FROZE! No crying, but my right leg was shaking incredibly (attempting to discharge that negative energy). I'll cut to the chase. If you are having an issue with overcoming trauma, you need to be honest with yourself about the situation. Did you benefit in some way shape or form from your traumatic experience. Special treatment? Sympathy sex? Or just down right knowing you could blame your situation on the fact that you know longer had to be accountable for your actions because of the traumatic event. Because this happened to me... I do this.... I act this way.. etc. Well this benefit from the trauma is the only thing holding you back from feeling the PAIN.

Now for me, I had a benefit from my brothers death. Once that benefit no longer worked, I immediately began crying, experienced "anxiety," time loss, dream like state, EGO loss (which is funny people believe this is EGO loss because your EGO is the only thing holding you back from recovering!!!!) and all the shit we call depersonalization. Anyways, I came running here just like all of you. I pushed that pain back down again (ran away from it if you would). The feeling I was experiencing was the very thing I needed to recover. But because I thought and tried to identify what it was, I didn't allow myself to heal. I should have literally done nothing, but instead I did the one thing which is the reason we are all on this message board. THINKING TOO DAMN MUCH. We as humans are built to survive. Our ability to heal from trauma is no different than our ability to heal from a cut.

In the end I wouldn't trade this situation and journey for the world. Do you know why? That individual who we believe we should be, who we aspire to be, our EGO. Well that doesn't exist. And even if you achieved everything you set out for in life and accomplished that picture in your head of perfection. You still would not be happy. This is why celebrities with millions are not happy. The key to true happiness? Understanding that life, love, nature, and the people in your life is happiness. And it's been in front of you since you were born.

The one thing animals do not have, that humans have is an EGO. This EGO prevents us from overcoming trauma. A life without trauma is pure happiness. We can overcome TRAUMA and this "depersonalization" disorder.

I look forward to posting my RECOVERY post here shortly. Any questions PM me.


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## AlexDAK (Jan 17, 2011)

Can you please post a link to Fearless blog.


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## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

AlexDAK said:


> Can you please post a link to Fearless blog.


Just go to the search button and search fearless an it should come up. If not just google dpselfhelp fearless blog


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

That is all well and nice, but what about the people who are dissociated who do not have access to there feelings consciously at all. Yes in the beginning is ok when you area till experiencing panic attacks, but what about when dpdr sets in chronically and doesn't move and u have lost your "feelings" for a number of years ....this is why that is complete bullshit


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## followme (Mar 23, 2013)

I am currently in that state you speak of. I was hospitalized for sometime last year. I spent days, weeks, months searching for a physical explanation. Once I applied Fearless' information to my own life it clicked. And when it did I experienced a sudden shift... and I felt like death.. only to suppress it again. This very suppression is what I did in the first place that caused me to disassociate. Unwillingness to feal emotional pain. I was and am stuck in that freeze response we are all encoded with. Read his blog knowing that when you read it all you will not be cured. There is no quick fix. But understanding is the key to recovery. And I will guarantee that I will post a recovery post in the next month. Only to be stuck in Fearless' position, trying to convince you of shit you already know. Grab a pen and paper and put together the jigg saw puzzle. You will fail along the way. But once you succeed you are on your way. And you can applhy this experience to life. No more living a lie.


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## AlexFromPT (Jun 26, 2011)

missjess said:


> That is all well and nice, but what about the people who are dissociated who do not have access to there feelings consciously at all. Yes in the beginning is ok when you area till experiencing panic attacks, but what about when dpdr sets in chronically and doesn't move and u have lost your "feelings" for a number of years ....this is why that is complete bullshit


You will actually feel something while you read my post. By trying to know how you feel all the time you're wasting your time, it's moronic and it perpetuates your symptoms. Just focus on life and react to it while being conscious about the situations.

You probably, subconsciously feel you need to control various aspects of your life - I know I did (food, thoughts, opinions of others, where am I going, etc) so what I suggest is STOPPING your needs to know everything. Stop trying to put a name on everything. Stop trying to figure out how you feel in a a certain situation. You're just procrastinating more. We all have problems, try to uncover more of them and dig more of your past. Feelings come automatically. You don't control your heartbeat do you?

While it's true that we are dissociated, we still can choose how to face our daily routine/tasks. We can decide to take action and put ourselves in a "vulnerable" spot.

What I mean is, for example - just being with my grandparents is extremelly exhausting for me, and I don't yet fully comprehend why. As I try to understand and connect this I let myself do things around them. I know I will feel pain in these moments and I clearly want to escape this by watching a movie, playing a game, etc... (dissociation). Hope I made myself clear.


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