# First Post -- Derealization



## jimmyjoejimbob (May 4, 2015)

Hello everyone. This is my first time ever posting anything on any blog whatsoever so bare with me. I started having my symptoms about two and a half years ago after trying hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time (haven't taken a hallucinogenic since). I was hesitant to take them in the first place and I had a "bad trip" where I literally felt like I was in hell. After what seemed like a lifetime, I started coming back to reality and feeling better, but the next morning I felt off. I can remember feeling almost normal, but not completely right, and worrying about how I felt. Slowly everything just got worse and worse and eventually the weird feeling was on my mind 24/7.

I just didn't feel normal. Life didn't feel real. Just like people on other blogs that I have read say, it was like I had died and was in the afterlife. Everything about my perception of the world had dream-like qualities. I went quite a while suffering from the extreme derealization and anxiety throughout my junior and senior year of college. I hid my weird feelings quite well and although I eventually told my mom about the problem, I never let her or anyone else know just how much trouble it was causing me.

Eventually I did of course come across Derealization/Anxiety on the Internet and it was a bit of relief, but still I never could tell my self 100% that Derealization and/or Anxiety were what I was experiencing. Like many others, I had the fear that I was going psychotic or that I had Schizophrenia. Yes the fear of those things eventually subsided substantially, but still today deep down I can't convince myself that my I am truly suffering from Derealization. As much as I read online about people with Derealization and how exactly spot on their symptoms were with mine, for some reason I still have it in my head that it might be something else. I even went to a psychiatrist in college (mainly to get an excuse for my terrible grades the semester this all started), and although he "diagnosed me with anxiety disorder", I have trouble believing him 100%. I've pretty much gotten over the Schizophrenia/psychotic thing, but I still can't help but think that everything is just in my head, or that (bare with me) life in general is just all in my head (or other crazy ideas like that). I used to question life and the universe when I was younger but always just in a curious and optimistic way. Now, the fact that we know so little about life just freaks me out. I do still believe in God as I did before this, but I do have trouble praying, or talking to God, like I did prior to the Derealization.

It's been two and a half years since I first had my symptoms. I finished and graduated college and things have been so much better, but still I feel many symptoms of Derealization. I have been looking for a job, but have been bartending in the meantime and have kept extremely busy, but no matter how much I try to ignore the Derealization and just get on with life, I still have the symptoms. I've always read that once you get your mind off of it and stop worrying, the Derealization will eventually go away. But I gave up worrying about my symptoms a long time ago. I rarely stress about my symptoms anymore (because I have gone two and a half years like this and nothing has every truly "gone wrong"), so I continue to test myself and do anything I want to, whether or not I feel like I will be able to or not. Without question, I worry about my symptoms at least 75% less now than I did before, but it seems as if they won't ever completely disappear. I feel like I've just developed, and gotten used to, this new perception of reality so well that it is impossible to break that pattern and go back to the carefree person I once was.

I meant to type about as much as that first paragraph and stop, but like I said this is my first time ever writing on a blog and once I got started I couldn't stop. Honestly I'm not sure if I even got out half of what I intended to say when I started this, but if you read this, thank you and any feedback you may have is appreciated.


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## Fizzi (May 4, 2015)

Hi there, I am new too.

I just wanted to say that you have achieved so much despite having DR that you should be very proud of yourself. Your attitude is amazing and I am sure that you will get there.

Are you getting any professional help at the moment? Maybe talking to someone who could help you would give you that final push back into reality. Perhaps talking a bit more openly with your mom would help. You need all the support you can get so don't be afraid to reach out to those who love you.


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