# Today



## Lexy67 (Sep 23, 2017)

It’s coming on Xmas. And I see ppl on the street talking to their children lining up to buy things and watching the lights as they go to green and red. I truly want to feel in it. In the world and yet there is a part of me that is not. I’m watching but I’m not there. Today I decided not to get all upset by it. Clearly there is something that is keeping me from connecting. And that it is the way it is today. But there is tomorrow and I am going to try to structure myself and go back to work eventually. I want a female role model. Someone who is on their own side not doubting herself so often. And I want to be in her shoes. Making it in this complicated world.


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## Thisisnotlife (Oct 20, 2017)

i am always thinking and dreaming how my life could be. how enjoyable this all could be. and how much i lost. im dreaming about walking in nature and feeling it and hearing those birds.
Also these amazing night walks... when is stars.. i enjoyed those... just too long time ago.
I cant stand the fact that this may never end. i may never be able to live. love. laugh again.
It's so painful. but what more can i do.


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## Lexy67 (Sep 23, 2017)

I hear you. I worry about not feeling btr also. I just don't make connections with ppl and even my own actions. I have a feeling of being ineffectual. Even when what I do makes a difference. Everything seems so fleeting and I can't hold on to an idea or thing. 
I'm crying right now in a lunch place. I cry everyday now. I feel very trapped and miss, like you do, feeling connected. 
I hope there's improvement for us.


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Do you guys feel connected to yourself?


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## Lexy67 (Sep 23, 2017)

I don’t feel connected to myself. I feel like a foreigner and the world around me is removed. I don’t feel engaged. Sleep and dreaming are the only things I feel a little bit connected to. I’m going to see a change in my world soon bc I won’t be able to make my housing payments. I also don’t see how I will get btr. I don’t feel like I see any light. And I don’t like the way I have become, very needy and like a broken record with things. I would like to die and yet I know I don’t have the guts to do this. But wh is everything so bad. Why can’t I function like everyone else?


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## Lexy67 (Sep 23, 2017)

Locked away. 
Far from this world.

Will I come back? I don't know. 
While I'm gone life has passed 
Fall. Halloween and now Christmas.

Locked away. 
How can I come back? 
When a kernel of me 
Is somewhere else.

Locked away. 
Did I do something to deserve this.? 
Punished in some way?

I don't know. Feeling locked away tho


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## Lexy67 (Sep 23, 2017)

Locked away. 
Somewhere not in the present.

Somewhere where no harm can hurt me .. maybe 
But now life is passing me by.

I try to reconnect but I'm locked away 
And I can't reach myself. As hard as I try

I don't want to have to try though 
I want to be like everyone else.

Just being. And feeling alive 
Is that too much to ask?


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