# Help Please / My Story. DP/DR Disorder



## ZachAttack (Nov 1, 2015)

I have self diagnosed myself with Derealization/ Depersonalization two days ago after suffering for more than a year. I'm looking for advice and anyone who can relate to my story. I hope this helps others who are going through the same thing.

It started with certain realizations that caused me to realize I wasn't living my life to the fullest and I became dissatisfied with my life. I started to ask myself a lot of questions - why do I exist, why does the universe exist, what is the purpose of my life, why I am who I am. Everything about my life didn't make sense anymore, from playing video games, to watching TV, movies, eating unhealthily, and many other habits of mine. I began to strive for more and dream more. I wanted to live life to the fullest and help show others how they aren't living life to the fullest either. I wanted to truly become myself, realize my true values and true potential. So my journey began. I had many new interests, for example, interests in psychology, spirituality, neuroscience, human consciousness and astronomy. I began to consume anything and everything I could get my hands on that was related to these topics. At first, I was ecstatic. I thought I was on the next step of evolution of myself and my mind. My life had more purpose than ever before and I thought I had stumbled upon a sort of enlightenment. Everything became so clear. I was highly motivated and excited to learn everything I could about the world around me and my place in it. I wanted to become a stronger, better, more intelligent, and more aware person. But what I think happened was that I became someone who wasn't happy with where they were at presently, and I always had a vision or goal of where I wanted to be in mind. So I was always looking ahead and never truly enjoyed living in the present moment because I was dissatisfied with myself and the world around me in every moment, even if I wasn't necessarily acknowledging it. I felt a certain duality to my existence. The life I had, and the life I wanted. The life I wanted being a life full of knowledge, success, great friendships, free will, and most importantly a life full of great peace and understanding. So I began to have obsessive thoughts about how illogical the world was, thoughts on philosophical issues, issues of the soul, free will, the nature of existence, religious and spiritual issues. I hated not knowing the answers to questions related to these topics. I would spend hours researching, learning, and reading about these topics.

This is where anxiety may have come into play. It subconsciously bothered me to not have the answers, things about the world, problems with the world, and the people in it bothered me. I had an ever growing curiosity that I just couldn't satisfy. I unknowingly began to feel alienated from the world because I felt I perceived the world differently than most others and had nobody to talk to about these topics, no way to express myself. I felt like I was seeing through the illusions of society. I thought about and placed a considerable amount of importance on trying to understand things about reality and the nature of our existence that most others just never care to think about because they are too preoccupied with their own dull existence. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I believe that the only life worth living is a life of questioning your existence, everything around you and your reality. But at the very least how can nobody realize the ludicrousness of their own dull existence. At this point I slowly began to develop a negative view of the world. For example, how is it that people will struggle on a week to week basis during the best years of their life and then spend their hard earned money on things that clearly don't bring them happiness like fast food nearly every day, mind numbing reality TV, expensive cars, a big house, new and in style clothing year after year are just some examples. If you are going to work hard most of your life, at the very least enjoy the time and money spent outside of work on things that fulfill you, bring happiness to your life, and allow you to grow as an individual. Why all this futile, unnecessary consumption that leads nowhere? Or, when did staring at your phone, scrolling through endless Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram feeds suddenly become a substitute to many other ways to spend your time that once brought many people happiness. Those are just some examples of the ideas, ideals, and beliefs I had formed. This negative view of people around me led me to have deep feelings of remorse. I believe these feelings of remorse contributed to the development of my DP/DR. I love people and everyone in my life. I just want to see them happy and so many of them are obviously not. All I want to do is help without coming off as pretentious. The things that bothered me the most were how illogical the world around me seemed to be, how fake people can be, politics in general, and most of all the sickening significance placed on consumption by our society. Consumption is truly in our veins. I quickly became a minimalist. Meaning I could and wanted to live life in a minimalistic fashion because I no longer felt the need to consume to make me happy.

Everything about me changed so fast that I think it brought on my symptoms of DP/DR. Symptoms like how you don't know who you are anymore and how reality seems unreal. I had no reason to believe what I was doing was unhealthy at all. I mean, great philosophers and geniuses from all throughout history asked these questions. I felt there was more to life than what most people believe there is and went searching for it.

Honestly, I would never take DP/DR back. I think it provided me with a chance to step back and change the way I think and therefore act. A lot of truly positive things have come from it such as living with more appreciation and gratitude, eating healthier, working out, saving money by not wasting money, and taking up new hobbies and interests in thought provoking subjects. The only negative thing being anxiety and possibly depressive thoughts. The anxiety unknowingly built, which led to my panic attacks in the form of déjà vu.

My questions:

- Did I correctly diagnose myself?

- Am I going insane?

- Can anyone relate to any of my experience and thoughts?

- Does anyone have any advice for me? How can I present this to my friends and family now that the cat is out of the bag and I'm seeing a neurologist?

NOTE: I smoke marijuana on a recreational basis. I have heard marijuana can cause DP/DR.


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

Hello & Welcome to DPSH!



> - Did I correctly diagnose myself?


This is a great question but not easy to answer... not even doctors would agree if some were to diagnose you with DP/DR. I feel that you, yourself, know what you are going through the best. My general opinion is that DP/DR comes in many forms. On this forum one can find many with similar symptoms, but at the same time each person seems to be experiencing this in their own unique way. There are many commonalities at the core of DP/DR.



> - Am I going insane?


This is a very frequently asked question here. My short and simple answer is: No, though DP/DR is extremely mentally aggravating. And like an itchy bug bite, it could "drive you crazy" wanting to scratch the shit out of it.



> - Can anyone relate to any of my experience and thoughts?


I for one definitely can relate to you. Right before DP/DR hit me, I was reading some philosophy books. I felt there was injustice in the world. Since getting DP/DR I've looked into Spirituality and Psychology etc. Recently I've been working on cutting out negative habits like smoking and drinking, while adding positive ones like a healthy diet and exercise.



> - Does anyone have any advice for me? How can I present this to my friends and family now that the cat is out of the bag and I'm seeing a neurologist?


Don't expect them to understand. It's a common theme for sufferers of DP/DR to note that people without it really don't get it. Could you have imagined DP/DR before having it? Also those who recover say that they can't recall what DP/DR exactly was like to have.



> NOTE: I smoke marijuana on a recreational basis. I have heard marijuana can cause DP/DR.


Personally, smoking weed makes my symptoms worse many, many times over. It's different for everybody. Some can get away with it. The general advice on the forum is just don't.

Again, Welcome to the Forum 

Here's a quote you might enjoy... "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Jiddu Krishnamurti


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## waynno123 (Nov 3, 2015)

this is definitely i think a very similar thought process that made me slip into DP. i never really actually remember any feelings or anything disappear which is the scary thing because how could you not feel your everything disappear. But i was smoking alot at the same time also. i think smoking is something you definitely need to stop. no drug in this state is going to help you and might even push you back slightly as well. i was the same, i think 2 people said to me that i had changed and i wasnt myself so i started to literally question everything about myself, they way i looked, the way i even said hello to people. it sent my mind in a spin and i thought myself into DP i think. but theres certain types of people who have a pre cursor to be able to get DP. about 2 years ago i went on a site called depersonalizationrecovery.com. i think you pay about $100. its about a guy who went through DP for 2 years. he researched literally everthing about it, from family systems and trauma to attachment styles to diet (which was a bit of a crummy chapter) but in my opinion when i watched the videos, had the most knowledge of anybody at the time. im not too sure about now. but if you want to know more about it and want some exercises to help you through it check it out. im just going through them again now because i didnt properly see them through but it was the best thing i did. if you wanna ask me any more questions about DP im happy to ansswer. i remember the hell of the first year or 2 of mine and it didnt need to be like that. A lady on this forum said some truth that was pretty amazing and its that

"DP is just a tool your mind and soul use to rest while your physical body goes about its everyday business"

basically your mind through those thoughts and all that negativity and pain you did by questioning just wore out your soul and you need a rest. no physical damage has been done to your brain.

but yeah mate happy to answer any questions. !


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