# depersonalization & OCD- what a lovely combination.



## julie (Aug 11, 2004)

Hi Everyone,
It's great to know that I'm not alone and know what to call my symptoms. I know how difficult this can be and I thought that by posting my story it might help someone or the researchers, so here goes.
When I was sixteen and on a school trip, I began having panic attacks. They were very intense and I didn't know what was happening to me. I was very fightened. They continued for several months. I also began to develop OCD. I had trouble with OCD in the past as a child, but it had been in remission for many years and I thought it was gone for good. Then the depersonalization and depression began and remained for about 1 1/2 years. At that time in 1978, no one gave it (dp) a name, and I had no idea what I was experiencing. I saw a psychologist at the school and was told that I was experiencing anxiety, but no name for the DP. I didn't even know how to really describe it. I just said that I felt invisible and very detached from myself, like I had lost my identity. There was no internet and mental illness was not as openly discussed in the media. I thought like many that I was losing my mind. I just tried to get through high school the best I could and I did graduate, but it was difficult.
I went off to college after my first episode and was fine (symptom free and happy)for about 2 years, then the OCD, depression and the dreaded depersonalization returned with a vengance. I saw a therapist, but wasn't given meds. It was 1982, and he told me that meds. would just cover up the problem. After about 6 months the OCD , depression and DP lifted and I continued on with college. For the first 2 episodes there really didn't seen to be a trigger, they just happened to occur. Just the usual pressures of high school and college, no major trauma. 
For the next 2 years I was doing great and then my best friend married and moved away, my dog died and I started a new stressful job. Guess what happened? Back came the depression along with the DP. By now I had studied psychology and thought I knew that it might be something I had read about called DP, but I wasn't sure. I saw a psychiatrist for meds this time and was put on an antidepressant. Still was not told that the strange, scary state of mind was called DP.
After about 6 months, my symptoms lifted and I felt normal again. I was feeling so good that I decided to move across the country, take a new job and be with my boyfriend. Things were fine for about the next 3 years. No DP and no dperssion or OCD. I though I'd be o.k. I changed jobs and commuted to a big city. I'm from a small town and it was stressful and scary. I was 25.
I developed another episode, this time the dp seemed to be the major symptom, although I was diagnosed with depression also. I ended up moving back to my parents and was struuggling along, still with no explanation about DP. I saw a pyschiatrist and therapist and was put on an antidepressant again. About 9 months later the dp and depression lifted and I was feeling great. I returned to my regular career and married my boyfriend. Things were going along well and you know what happened-another episode. This time I saw a new psychiatrist and therapist and was FINALLY given a name for what I was experiencing-depersonalization. It finally made sense to me. All the symptoms of DP were present, I felt like I wasn't "crazy" after all. My scariness had a name. I was so happy to find this out, although not to have the disorder. It was now 1992, and I was 30. I was put on an antidepressant for depression, and OCD. I also had very strong and disturbing DP. From that time until now, I have continued to have symptoms of the same three illnesses, although it's the DP that is the most interfering and upsetting for me. I have had many years since 1992, when the symptoms weakened and felt pretty strong, but I have not had what I call complete relief from the dp or ocd for about 16 years. I have a job, friends, a husband, 4 cats and a dog. Most people don't realize that I sturggle with these illnesses. But I sure do. I know what a struggle it can be to deal with dp. It's so frustrating because it's diffucult to explain to others, and even then they really don't understand. You also think why am I one of the few that has this problem. Why me??? What did I do wrong??
I believe that my DP is part of my OCD, because I first experienced the OCD as a child. I never developed DP symtoms until high school, when the OCD flared after 6 years of freedom. I believe they are realted and accompany each other, so I don't think I have DP Disorder, but definetly have the symptoms of DP as a result of my OCD. 
I know it's rough and sometimes overwhelming. You get so frustrated and feel like giving up, but there is always a better day around the corner, and there can be life with dp. I'm now 46 and I'm having a tough time right now with my symptoms, due to surgical menopause. I had to have a hysterectomy and it put my estrogen level down to 0% and I don't think the neurotransmitters in my brain are happy about that. So I've had an increase in the DP and OCD. I know some of you younger people will think I sound like a dinosaur, but someday you will be older too!!  Hey, nobodie's getting any younger!!
I feel my DP is a brain malfunction or disorder. Something is just not working properly and that is what is causing the symptoms. Hopefully with the research that is going on in the US and the UK we will get to the bottom of this disorder.
Please don't give up hope! I understand what you're going through, but someday we will have an effective treatment. Until then don't blame yourself, and be good to yourself. This is not our fault, but we must try to cope the best we can. If we could make it go away, believe me we would. Right??!! Thanks for reading my story and take care, julie


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

I have this to and dont know what to do about it. i feel like nothing i do can help it and that i will never be normal again.


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## Krisman (Apr 1, 2007)

AntiSocial said:


> my dog died


Is "interesting" (sorry, my english is very poor) that you mention that episode in your life.
Loosing your dog is as horrible as loosing a human being you love.
Dogs are the sweeties and more adorable beings God has ever created.

Rest in peace, "Bulito". It was a honor have been your friend.

Love,
Krisman-


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

Hello Julie,

Yaaay, more "old" people. I am 46 also. I see you joined in July. Took a bit of time to want to tell your story? Do you feel better? I sure did. 
Very interesting story. You don't see too much of this coming and going type of DPD for some reason - I think
For those ignorant psychiatrists that go out of there way to say DP does not exist as a real disorder, here is someone who thinks it is worse than depression and OCD.
This tendency to blame ourselves and try to be a better person is interesting. Its not logical but it happens. It?s like surviving a plane crash and being sad that you survived because you feel guilty about the dead. It does not make sense but it happens.

This is such a great place to hang out. Many intelligent thoughtful and caring people here.
I think the key to having fun here is finding the "view active topics" link on the Board index page.
Find it and go nuts.
Thanks for your story.


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## ThreePlateDan (Aug 30, 2008)

OCD and dp can be correlated in sufferers, it is for me. I recommend the book _Brain Lock_ in coping with OCD. The techniques described therein can actually change brain chemistry.


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