# Right here, Right now I'd give anything



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

For this to be gone. I've had this for a year and 4 weeks. I'm so over it. There is no reason why I should still have it and yet I still do. And the cruelest part of it all is that I remember my life before dp now. I have vivid flashes of what it felt like to be in reality, in that very moment. When I close my eyes and remember, I can FEEL what reality felt like and I will be going along and be suddenly hit with this incredibly clear memory of what life was like before and how life should be now and it is SO hard to come back to the fact that I don't experience that anymore. I feel like my dp was warranted. I can give it credit for happening when it did. In a lot of ways, it wouldn't have been able to deal with what was happening in my life without it. I also wouldn't have been able to make a lot of needed and healthy changes without it. I know that in many ways it has and is still changing me for the better. So I can look at it and say "ok, it had it's time and place and I'm not entirely ungrateful for the purpose it served" but now I'm ready for it to leave. I want life back. I want reality back. I want to feel normal again. I've had this long enough. It's time to move on. Right now, I'd give pretty much anything to be done with this. Some days I think about it going away and I feel excited to be in reality again. Sometimes I cannot even fathom what it will feel like being there. It's like looking forward to a long planned vacation to some amazing place. You think about it and can't wait for it but it also doesn't seem real and you can't imagine what awaits you at your destination. It's like that. And all at the same time, I get incredibly afraid that I won't ever feel life again and that there is nothing that can be done to snap me out of this. Nothing proven. No ray of hope and it's so incredibly hard to keep on truckin' and to stay positive for a healing that may never come.

EDIT:

I was just thinking back to when I had dp the first time and how recovery went then. I only had it for about 2 weeks and only badly for like 4 days and then I started to feel better, slowly, every day until I was 99% and then it stalled. And then I woke up one morning and it was completely gone. So I decided to look at my blog to see what I was going through then and this is what I wrote back then. Doesn't it sound pretty much exactly like what I wrote just now?

"Without going into all of the gory details I will say that I am still not back to where I was mentally. I can't think clearly. I am dizzy when I walk. Any type of extended thought makes me incredibly sleepy. I am in a constant sort of fog state. It is like the feeling you have when you are trying to wake up, only my mind can't seem to get to the awake/clear state. I saw my doctor on Wednesday and she said that I would probably not feel completely better for about another week. I'll be honest, I am starting to get really scared that this isn't ever going to go away. I just wanted to ask that you all please lift me up in prayer that this drug will clear out of my system and that my mental state will be restored. I'm getting so tired of walking around in this fog and wondering if I will ever be the person I was before. I have children to take care of and goals for my future and it is just so scary thinking that I may never recover from this."

My blog says that the next day I completely recovered. Oh if only. If only!


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

no comments?


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## Sancrist (Oct 17, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> For this to be gone. I've had this for a year and 4 weeks. I'm so over it. There is no reason why I should still have it and yet I still do. And the cruelest part of it all is that I remember my life before dp now. I have vivid flashes of what it felt like to be in reality, in that very moment. When I close my eyes and remember, I can FEEL what reality felt like and I will be going along and be suddenly hit with this incredibly clear memory of what life was like before and how life should be now and it is SO hard to come back to the fact that I don't experience that anymore. I feel like my dp was warranted. I can give it credit for happening when it did. In a lot of ways, it wouldn't have been able to deal with what was happening in my life without it. I also wouldn't have been able to make a lot of needed and healthy changes without it. I know that in many ways it has and is still changing me for the better. So I can look at it and say "ok, it had it's time and place and I'm not entirely ungrateful for the purpose it served" but now I'm ready for it to leave. I want life back. I want reality back. I want to feel normal again. I've had this long enough. It's time to move on. Right now, I'd give pretty much anything to be done with this. Some days I think about it going away and I feel excited to be in reality again. Sometimes I cannot even fathom what it will feel like being there. It's like looking forward to a long planned vacation to some amazing place. You think about it and can't wait for it but it also doesn't seem real and you can't imagine what awaits you at your destination. It's like that. And all at the same time, I get incredibly afraid that I won't ever feel life again and that there is nothing that can be done to snap me out of this. Nothing proven. No ray of hope and it's so incredibly hard to keep on truckin' and to stay positive for a healing that may never come.
> 
> EDIT:
> 
> ...


You're in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me or add me on yahoo or facebook. [email protected]


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## piescoffer (Dec 10, 2009)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> For this to be gone. I've had this for a year and 4 weeks. I'm so over it. There is no reason why I should still have it and yet I still do. And the cruelest part of it all is that I remember my life before dp now. I have vivid flashes of what it felt like to be in reality, in that very moment. When I close my eyes and remember, I can FEEL what reality felt like and I will be going along and be suddenly hit with this incredibly clear memory of what life was like before and how life should be now and it is SO hard to come back to the fact that I don't experience that anymore. I feel like my dp was warranted. I can give it credit for happening when it did. In a lot of ways, it wouldn't have been able to deal with what was happening in my life without it. I also wouldn't have been able to make a lot of needed and healthy changes without it. I know that in many ways it has and is still changing me for the better. So I can look at it and say "ok, it had it's time and place and I'm not entirely ungrateful for the purpose it served" but now I'm ready for it to leave. I want life back. I want reality back. I want to feel normal again. I've had this long enough. It's time to move on. Right now, I'd give pretty much anything to be done with this. Some days I think about it going away and I feel excited to be in reality again. Sometimes I cannot even fathom what it will feel like being there. It's like looking forward to a long planned vacation to some amazing place. You think about it and can't wait for it but it also doesn't seem real and you can't imagine what awaits you at your destination. It's like that. And all at the same time, I get incredibly afraid that I won't ever feel life again and that there is nothing that can be done to snap me out of this. Nothing proven. No ray of hope and it's so incredibly hard to keep on truckin' and to stay positive for a healing that may never come.
> 
> EDIT:
> 
> ...


I feel your pain and worries. I have been in this state now for months and feel it will never go away. I am praying for myself and everyone else who has this crap.

I too get flashbacks of what my life used to be like but the longer it goes on the harder it is to find the strength to push through it. Just started on Sertraline, switching from seroxat and feel like death after 2 days in. I also have some Olanzapine but am scared to take it in case it makes me feel any more detached from myself than I already am. I was driving today and started to feel like I didn't recognise where I was like I was floating away. My head feels like a lump of lead on my shoulders - trying to distract myself from it but it the scary thoughts play over and over like a stuck record. Who am I?, what's the hell is wrong with me? what can I do to snap back to reality? why am I within this body? What are people? the list goes on................. it's like torture - I'm 33 and the thought of having this crap for the rest of my life scares the shit out me. Some days I just wish that I wouldnt wake up at all







it takes a monumental amount of strength and courage to just get out of bed in the morning.

Keep the faith and try to stay strong - if not for yourself do it for those around you.

I too would quite literally give anything to have my old life back.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I know what you mean. I've had it now for over 7 1/2 years, and sometimes I can almost reach back to the times before I had it and feel how I felt then; my mind kind of recoils from that in a way that I can't recover from, and I end up getting a little more depersonalized after that, which fortunately seems to subside back to my normal level, I think.

I have had a couple of times over this weekend when my visual distortion seemed to clear up enough for me to register what was in front of me ("hey, that's my tv that I'm looking at"), instead of the blur of nothing it is almost all the time, which were encouraging. Also, I've been in a funk, which isn't fun, but seems like it may be a good sign, since it's not numb







.


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