# Detailed story of how I beat my anxiety / DP



## kill9 (Mar 12, 2005)

I posted this at an anxiety forum so I thought I'd post here as well
Good luck!!

I'd just like to tell everyone about how I defeated my panic attacks, first I will give you some background information about me.

I'm a 19 year old mail, I was always really shy as a kid had some anxiety problems but they weren't too bad until I was 13 or so when I started doing drugs, I started getting panic attacks when I started smoking weed, I also became pretty anxious in general. I later discovered hallucinogenic drugs like mushrooms, I had a horrible trip once where a panic attack lead me into an alien and terrifying level of consciousness. I later discovered I had a depersonalization / derealization episode.

When I was smoking weed I had these 'enlightened' thoughts. I used to call all the observations and realizations I'd make about the universe and life in general 'the game' I would see connections and have deep philisophical thoughts about these realizations and everything seemed to make total sense it was like I was unlocking the universe. eventually they turned against me, instead of seeing positive connections things slowly started becoming bad, for hours I would try to logically reason out why my philosophy had become so negative and I would try to fix it. its hard to explain but I would try to reason my way around the 'negative connections' all the connections eventually became hellishly introspective and my thinking became manic and sort of crazy, I was stuck in 'the game' which was not positive anymore it was all negative thats what eventually led to my psychotic depersonalization episode, and god it was aweful,

Now for the DP episode itself it started with extreme anxiety and a real agitated state of mind, sounds became much louder and my mind became really frantic, I couldn't focus on anything I just felt the need to run away (psychologically) all of the sudden I had an intense sensation sort of like the perceptive and awareness jump when you get de-ja-vu, except it was 1000X stronger. It is like driving head first into a brick wall and receiving that sort of jolt. All of the sudden you feel a transition into a totally new frame of mind (yet for some reason which still interests me to this day it feld familiar, like once long long ago it had happened to me before) Anyways I started thinking in a very primitive way, its really hard to explain it feels like part of your brain shut off. Reality is twisted in a horrible way, I never would have imagined that the human mind could be such an uncomfortable and terrible place. I also think that the mushrooms intensified the whole thing, it left a permanent scar on my psyche until only recently.

Luckily I snapped out of it after a couple days (contemplating suicide the whole time) since then I have had the sudden awareness shift and the de-ja-vu sensation a couple more times, but luckily I never crossed the threshold back into that state of mind, I managed to stop it each time before it took control. But my mind was constantly occupied with the thought and fear that it would happen again, and it made my anxiety and anxiety attacks even worse. I wanted to stay away from that frame of mind because I wasn't sure if it happened again if I could get out of it. So I became a prisoner of my own mind.

This past year I became a little more sane and my anxiety levels dropped but I would still get the ocasional panic attack. I started learning abuot trancendental meditation, and one of my sessions I had been meditating using a deep breathing exercise for about 2 hours or so, I definately had a very relaxed state of mind, and all of the sudden little thoughts would come to mind that would give me insite into my mental problems, it seems like I had quelled my mind of thought and my subconscious was coming to the surface

Now this little bout of anxiety emerged from my calm and relaxed state, I practiced what I had learned about meditation and didn't analyze it or try to push the feeling away, I took a chance and I just became aware of it, non judging, I kept an emotional detachment. I let the anxiety be there, soon I had the all to familiar sensations of a panic attack, my heart started pounding, I had the urge to leave to run away, but another part of me my 'pure awareness' just let it happen, I decided then and there to not run away, I let the panic overcome and fulfill me. It was an effort to not let my ego attach to the panic and try to run but I was firm in my resolve. Now I am guessing that this probably took about 5 minutes or so and very abruptly all of the sudden I started feeling really good! my panic and anxiety turned into acceptance and very strong positive emotions, I had faced my fears head on and I had conquered. I started feeling this energy and 'electricity' pulsing through my body and my spine and had those really good feeling chills and tingling sensations.

For the first time since I was a kid I felt truely alive, I was living totally in the now, I became aware of things that I am usually never aware of or even care about, the simplest and smallest things all seemed significant, the breeze, the temperature, ect.

Normally my panic attacks will keep me emotionally screwed up for days, this time a panic attack lasted just 5 minutes and then it seemed my shift in perception mentally transformed all of the bad panic and anxiety energy into good positive energy. It was all so simple. I now would like to get another panic attack to try it again, I no longer avoid or fear the thought of them. I haven't had any panic attacks since, and my anxiety levels have dropped considerably.

Well I hope some of you might give my story some thought, it may help you
Thanks.


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## Guest (Feb 7, 2007)

Thanks Kill9,

That was a very positive post.
Its always good to hear someone is beating this condition.

G.


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## kill9 (Mar 12, 2005)

No problem, after my bad trip I thought about DP episodes and my anxiety every day, eventually it became less and less, it seems that once you stop thinking so much about it, it becomes less or an issue, lately I go months without thinking about it at all, and I no longer am afraid I will depersonalize (though if I smoked weed again theres probably a pretty damn good chance that I will I think those mental patterns are well ingrained and associated with the weed state of consciousness)

I think I lucked out though, my depersonalization episodes lasted much shorter than peoples here. I don't think I could take it being depersonalized 24/7, you all truly have my sympathies, good luck everyone!


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## Lynch_mob (Jan 10, 2007)

Hmm that is very interesting post. I have a similair situation and i think i should try to mediate or something i've read that a few time's that it helps. Part of me want's to belive there's more then some breathing excersises to be done to fix it though lol. Like i don't want it to go!


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## JaoDP123 (Sep 3, 2005)

i just experienced what you described today. i pushed myself into derealization and suddenly the pressure in my head was relieved. i was calmed. all these years battling my symptoms when pushing myself through the dp might have been the answer


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