# dr from loved one...desperate and confused



## KittyKitten5 (Oct 19, 2006)

Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm still in the process of finding out what it is that's wrong with me. I've read information on dr and dp and they hit pretty close to home. I somtimes feel myself analyzing situations as if I'm not involved in them. I sometimes feel I'm unable to feel my emotions. I sometimes feel like I don't know who I am or what's important to me and what I want. I sometimes disregard reality in my thought process altogether. The scariest is my numb feelings for my boyfriend. I have been dating him for 5 years and prior to these crazy dr experiences I felt sure of our relationship and couldn't wait to get married, have babies and grow old together. Then one day, about 2 or 3 years ago, I looked at him as if I'd never seen him before. I felt distant from him somehow, like we were never close. He had been my best friend, the person I cared most about in the whole world, and there I was looking at him like we had no connection, like we had never spoken before. He came up to hug me and I jumped away. He felt like a stranger. His face was unfamiliar to me. I started being scared that I had lost feelings for him, but it was too sudden. I thought maybe it had to do with him being my first love and me never dating anyone else, but it had always been like that and a month prior to my first dr experience I remember being happy about that. I started questioning the whole insititution of love, why we feel in love with those that we do, what makes it special, what makes him special...and when I couldn't find answers to those questions I distanced myself even more. He felt more and more alien to me. I felt like I had lost my best friend in the whole world and fell into a huge depression. 2 or 3 years later, and a bunch of Lexapro later...I'm still having this. Although I'm not falling into as severe of a depression, I still get like this and often feel like crying, many times without even knowing the reason. I start questioning my feelings for him and I start thinking that I like every guy that I see, no matter their age or marital status, or even if I'd ever want to be with them in the first place...just questioning and asking "what if". When I'm with my boyfriend I am on constant watch of my emotions, his words, my words, trying to catch a sign of a connection that I so wish to find again. It's like I know it's there but I'm not letting myself feel it. When he does something nice, it's like I don't feel the appreciative feelings, yet when someone else does something nice I feel appreciative. Sometimes I realize that in reality, I don't want to leave my relationship, I love my boyfriend, and those people are in their own relationships and nothing real would ever happen. These are the times I feel my emotions and everything is fine. I feel the love and connection. I am confident in myself. I'm not asking what if questions, and I feel my emotions just fine. I don't feel like I'm on guard all the time. Then I get one thought that analyzes love or my feelings or anything else and there I go again. It's like it takes so much work to get back to reality and just one small teeny thought to make me plunge back to hell. I do separate myself from others sometimes, or look at them or myself as if I'm not really myself and I am not involved, but it doesn't bother me as much as when I do it with him. I'm so scared that I am ruining my future..that all my hopes and dreams are escaping from me and I can't do anything about it. Has anyone had a similar situation? Any advice or even stories (and hopefuly good endings) would be very much appreciated, as I feel so helpless and desperate right now that I don't know what to do with myself....


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## KittyKitten5 (Oct 19, 2006)

I've tried a variety of things. Meditation I think could work well, if I could only discipline myself to do it right. Meditation is basically being in a state of full awareness but not thinking about anything. You have to sit up straight and just pay attention...if something hurts, you let it, you watch it, and then you watch it go away. But you can't think, which is the hard part. I dunno, it's hard when your mind is racing through a bunch of stuff to just not think. Also, I made a list of all the stuff that I was thinking, and while I was writing it I kind of realized that it's silly. I think the act of writing it out made that more solid in my mind, than just telling myself over and over again in my head. Writing in general seems to help...just to get it all out. Many times what happens is that your thoughts, they seem like a big blur. It's just a big blur of anxiety, but you can't distinguish one from the other and you have to concentrate a lot just to do it. Writing helps you isolate each thought. There's this thing called cognitive behavioral therapy...I believe that's the name. It's where you change your behavior by writing down your irrational thought, then writing a rational one, and then analyzing by what percent you still believe in the irrational thought and by what percent the rational one is rational. You have to seperate it thought by thought, so that helps you focus more, which helps kind of feel like you're back in the world again as opposed to in some big blur in your head because you're more focused. I don't know if this helps. Have you had any of the stuff that I was talking about? I'm still trying to figure out if it's dr what I'm having.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Personally I found meditation did not help but actually made me worse, and that would make sense because dissociation is a hypnoid state, which meditation probably encourages. Also, the ultimate purpose of meditation is to experience the emptiness of things, which itself is a pretty similar to experiences of dissociation, where the person experiencing the dissociation is convinced of not being their body. I don't know if what I have written here helps you. That may depend on what "type" of dissociation you have. Someone has just made a point about the types of dr/dp according to cause on the main board. I might try and post the link later. Gotta go! 
Take care


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