# My recovery story: The Present



## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

I have suffered from Depersonalization for 6 years.

It took me 4 to find about what I was actually feeling through all this time, but then soon after that, something happened that kind of launched me back into reality. But not quite, for I was still feeling heavy depersonalized.

This event happened in January of my freshman year. Throughout the rest of that year, I was able to overcome my panic and low mood disorders thanks to the support of my friends and family.

Then by the time I entered my second year of college, I was already feeling somewhat like a normal person again.

Consequently, I stopped foccusing on my depersonalization, and instead tried to move on with my life.

I had been unto anti-psychotic medication for some time, and I convinced myself that there was no longer anything I could do to further make me feel better - that all I had to do was to sit back and wait for the pill to take full effect.

But deep down I knew that there was nothing I could do to really get me out of this state.

I had given up on myself, I had stopped trying to find a definitive cure.

Ironically, this goes against everything I ever stood for. What I found out in these past few weeks, is that accepting the condition in a sense that you have given up on finding a way out may actually bring more benefits to your life than going on with a constant struggle for mental sanity.

Only by giving up on trying to fight the condition will you be able to finally distract yourself from it. Only then will you be able to function normally, without constant worry or anxiety - you'll be able to go on with your life.

But now, actually for the past two weeks I decided to battle this condition with psycho-therapy. And you know what? It's working.

But ever since I chose to fight this head on, I keep feeling this constant anxiety and I keep counting the seconds until my next session.

I can't wait to get better, but it's killing me in the process. (By the way, the therapy is EMDR.)

So now basically I have two choices:

A) I keep doing the therapy and I try to hold on as best as I can until the next session comes up. But, I'll have to deal with constant worry and extreme anxiety.

B.) Or I keep doing what I've been doing all along - living in a dream, like I'm constantly high all the time. But at least I'll live what I call a pretend life.

But I've made a decision

I'm going to fight this.

I'm just scared of what I might feel once I am in full touch with reality. Because I have been feeling kind of depressed since my first session.

Perhaps I'm finally realizing that my life isn't what I hoped for.

But I'll tell you this: "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."


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