# How far ive come but how hard it is now



## Amethysteyes (Jun 9, 2018)

Ok, id really like any advice on any of these issues if anyones got any.

So i think ive improved, at least anxiety wise with this shit. Ive been through all the weird delusions like solipsism, simulation theory and many, MANY others. So im practically almost out of ideas to attach to these feelings. I achieved this by disproving them all to myself and by trying to live life like i used to which is still super hard. I dont have that weird visual disturbance anymore. Which makes me alil uneasy wondering if i just thought myself out of it by realizing its just a thing lots of other people can get but i fear it could come back too. My main issue right now is just the fragile nature of existence and death, feeling like im not really here and occassional paranoia of how i could be killed. These have been with me since the beginning and are the only things that i cant control and could be worse than the beginning. Its been like this for 2 and 1/2 months and im only feeling worse. It starts when i wonder how and WHY anything exists. See, the problem is i WANT to question this because i find it hard to just let all this go when it feels SO important since no one knows, you know? I feel like ill never go back to normal cause i just cant stop thinking about it. I can hardly remember what life was like before any of this and even think its irrelevent sometimes. Maybe thats just the dpdr talking since i got it from trauma. I feel like i might go mad and end up in a mental institute, unaware of anything around me other than everything that goes on in my mind and rocking back forth on the floor but i know no ones ever gone mad from dp but i feel like i know SO MUCH about existence now, and i feel too knowledgable about everything now about normal living too. An example is like when i am talking to someone, i use alot of aquired knowledge about that thing we are talking about now, as if i just know everything there is to know. This is probably another delusion? Its also very wierd to interact with anyone or anyTHING as i dont even know if im doing it the same anymore if that makes sense. I also get very uneasy and depressed because everything feels meaningless now. I am trying to do things like hang with friends but it no longer feels fulfilling or important to do so because i cant find a reason for why we are here, why am i doing all this stuff in a meaningless universe and why must it end when i die? How can i live like this? I feel i cant go back now? Any advice? And did anyone recover from some of these? I cant even find a point to positivity or happiness as it ALSO seems pointless in this pointless universe (i know this is nihilism but i dont know how to change it)


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## Amethysteyes (Jun 9, 2018)

time2wakeup said:


> Ah, I was thinking of this post: https://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/90106-recovered-ish-but-now-life-is-aggressively-boring/


Oh thank you! Im glad im not alone in this


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## Amethysteyes (Jun 9, 2018)

So the nihilism started to lift after expressing and reconnecting with emotions. But i still feel distant from them and from my life. Main problem is i never realized how emotionally abusive my home is. Its a close, tight nit family but its suffocating, disfunctional and toxic to be in. Sometimes physical disputes happen. Some stuff happened and now im dpdred again (mildly). I dont feel like anythings accually happening to me or anything HAS happened to me. Like i never had a real life. Its getting to a point where i dont miss "normal" anymore but im still gonna try. As scary as it is leaving my comfort zone, im leaving to be with my older sis for a while. Hopefuly a break from all other connections will help me.


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