# Firt experienced at 10 years old



## Bostonred (Dec 21, 2009)

I have spent the last few weeks battling a mild depression after coming back to Boston after visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. Well that mild depression declined into a slightly deeper one which then teamed up with anxiety attacks. The dynamic duo. I know that anxiety and depression are not exactly the same as Depersonalization but many of you I am sure have contended with all three either at once or as a sort of domino effect....sort of one falling upon another in a circular fashion.
In my case first I get the depression then after trying to muscle it out of my brain for a while I will hit a breaking point and have a full blown anxiety attack in which I feel an intense feeling of being detached in almost every way that is described by many of you here. During these attacks it is like time slows down and I am super alert and aware but at the same time feeling dreamlike like none of its real. Not my past, present or future.....like all of it is a dream. The terror is indescribable. What follows over the next few days is this feeling coming and going at times that I am not really in control of my body or me....the feeling lasts for a few seconds sometimes a few minutes at a time. As I discovered today people describe this as being an Autonotom....is that the right word?
I am almost 30 now and I first experienced this when I was around 10years old a few months after my grandpa died of cancer. I had this very powerful thought...."how do I know what I am seeing is real?"....I thought for a moment I could be dreaming all of existence as it is and suddenly I felt completely and utterly alone. Terrified. 
I have had a total of three full blown episodes....I am in the third one now. 
Question: Has anyone had extremely irrational thoughts however at the same time being completely aware that they are irrational coupled with Depersonalization?


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