# My Story with Dp/Dr - who can relate?



## Anna Carly (May 18, 2016)

Hey everyone,

Ive been reading these forums for months and its really helped me not feel alone in this, and I thought it was about time I started a topic. I'm gonna write a little bit about how I got dp, my current status and medication and things that I feel have helped or not helped for anyone who wants some advice I would also really appreciate any advice or insight anyone can give me as I am really struggling to find answers at the moment and trying to keep a positive outlook to get better. So, a little bit about me.

I'm Anna I'm 19 years old and I have Depersonalisation, although I would say my symptoms do edge towards derealisation a little more. One day I was laying on my sofa, and I got an intense feeling of panic rush through me as I suddenly realised I felt stoned, like really stoned as if the world was unreal, for a few days I ignored this until a few days later at work I was having full on visual distortations, people seemed cartoon like, everything was so FREAKY. What the hell is happening to me? I asked myself but I tried to keep calm, and reassured myself I had vertigo or a very bad head cold. From what I can remember the months leading up to this I had had a few moments where I could sense unreality but I never thought anything of it but now I had full of landed myself in a state of 24/7 spaced out daze feeling with the visual distortions not going away, every second from that moment on ive been aware of my vision and it has been constant hell, I feel like my life stopped that day and nothings been normal since. Here is a list of my symptons which are almost constant for anyone who can relate:

VISUAL SNOW- This is seriously my worst symptom I'm even struggling to write this I have alive, static vision all the time which blurs peoples faces and I can see it on everything not just blank surfaces. I did have this a few times in my life but its constant and probably the most annoying and scary symptom. Alongside the snow I have floaters, after images white squiggles in the sky and so on, sometimes my vision almost appears double.

2D WORLD/FEELINGS OF UNREALITY- The world seems flat and lifeless, people come across robot like and everything is just really STRANGE! I do not feel like I am here, I know I am me and do not have trouble recognising myself although my reflection does scare me as I feel like I'm in a dream as if I'm not really here, I can have a conversation and do everything in my life but it feels so forced and effort to talk, I feel like an actor in a play.

EXISTENTIAL THOUGHTS- I sit and feel totally dethatched from reality I start thinking how strange the world is whether this is even happening my brain cant process what life is as its too scary to think about, I feel like I could sit and stare at four walls for hours on end I am terrified of being alone, I feel like I'm going to disappear.

BRAIN FOG- I feel stupid, my perception of time is really weird like, it could be 20 minutes and it feels like 20 hours. I am SO forgetful also, I find it hard to focus on simple tasks. I also feel so depressed and often think about suicide, which is not like me I just feel so helpless and feel it will be my last option.Im scared to even write that though as I try and block it out.

WAVY VISION- If anyone's ever done one of those optical illusion things where you look at the black dot and then look away and the world wobbles, I basically can stare at something and start hallucinating almost like the object is melting around itself, so if I looked at a stone wall the stones would appear to be moving round and alive... its pretty weird. I always used to love getting high on mdma, noss balloons, coke anything that makes me high to get these kind of feelings now they terrify the life out of me.

PYSICAL SYMPTONS: Weight gain!!!! For no apparent reason, TINNITUS! headaches and heart palpitations.

Ok now these are the reasons I think I have developed DP/DP disorder, a lot of people may find this weird but I wouldn't say I have anxiety very badly, I mean I'm an anxious person but this has come out of nowhere, have not got PTSD I have a good life and nothing to be sad about also a very good childhood this does not make sense and my Psychiatrist dismisses everything but anxiety which is very frustrating as I want more medical tests before accepting this.

THE PILL: I am on Yasmin the contraceptive pill I believe my hormones are way out of whack, for months on my pill free week I would get heart palpitations, and anxiety and I feel maybe because of this it has developed into full blown anxiety, heres the thing I'm stuck on this pill as if I go off it my skin will erupt! I also find when I try to go off it my symtons WORSEN so much visually and really intensify so I am too scared to go off it I need to be on contraception anyway and have been reassured the pill cant do this, although I really do think there is some kind of hormone imbalance. This certain pill blocks androgens (testosterone) and I have found with many people on these forums low testosterone can make you have depersonalisation. This pill can also give you Adrenal fatigue because of this...so

ADRENAL FATIGUE- As fair as I am aware this can give you visual snow (my main symptom) and everything else that goes with depersonalitation. I have other symptoms of this such as weight gain. I will add I have had my thyroid tested hut found it hard to believe it came back normal.

WEED BROWNIE- So I have had DP/DR for about 5 months now and shortly before it started I went to Amsterdam with friends, I have never got on well with weed, I used to smoke it when I was younger and everything was fine but recently it sends me sideways. I ate a whole brownie thinking it would be fine but felt out of my body, had a full on panic attack, I was hallucinating ALL SORTS it was terrible, however I got through it by telling myself it would ware off which it did to an extent, for the rest of the trip I was left feeling like a zombie and question whether the feeling actually ever went or whether it just died down and came back again. I have heard drugs such as lsd can cause HPPD which means visual distortions permanently and lots of visual snow!!! But I have never done LSD, I hope the brownie wasn't laced. I have however done a lot of other drugs, not every day but for the last year I have experimented with MDMA which used to cause me visual snow, MCAT and lots of cocaine.

COCAINE: Before this all started I was doing cocaine about twice a week... maybe it brought it on? I used to have comedowns but they would always resolve.

CANDIDA: This is the main thing I think has caused this, candida if left can cause visual snow. People can get it from the pill which I am on, antibiotics (I was on antibiotics for a long time for my acne) and I have had reaccuring water infetions and taken them for that, but thinking about it I probably got these from Candida anyway. I have always had bowell problems, such as constipation and reaccuring bowell infetions which seems to make sense now as candida causes all of this as well as lots of thrush. I have taken a home test and tested positive but its not a real test but I really do think I have this! People say visual snow can be caused by toxins in the body and I do agree.

SO!!!! I have had this for about 5 months it has only got worse but this is what I have done to try and help for anyone reading this maybe you an relate:

Lamictal- I was prescribed lamictal and I have reached 100mg so far and hope to keep titrating upwards, it is a mood stabiliser and what they use at the DP clinic in London. So far this has done nothing for my symptoms apart from make me a little calmer, I used to think about my dr all day long, every second I think this medicine takes my mind of it a little bit, so I can try and focus on other things throughout the day. I really wanted this to be the answer to my problems as I do not want to go on a benzo and get addicted, but I have an apt with my Psych on Friday and I am getting desperate and may ask for Valium or something.

THERAPY- I have it once a week, the women seems to think I have BDD Body Dismorphic disorder because I mentioned I think ive put weight on and want to get cosmetic surgery. I disagree! I am only as self conscious as any other female my age, and do not let that stop me from doing anything in my life, seriously on most days I actually think I look nice. I work as a beauty advisor and I have a positive outlook most of the time. She has talked about Mindfullness and i don't know whether it works but for anyone reading this, if you are feeling seriously depersonalized she was basically saying your mind narrows to just experience fear, you must see the bigger picture, notice the sounds in the room, smell the air, use your senses to feel REAL. It helps a little to ground me ut not enough to help anything in the long run.

POSITIVE OUTLOOK- Every day i wake up and i name 5 things i am grateful for, it heps try and stay positive and fight depressing dark thoughts, i always try and focus on what i do have not what i don't, its very hard but we are all blessed because we are alive and breathing and have people that love us, not many people can understand but in times of darkness i just talk to the sky, i am not very religious but it helps to call something 'GOD' it makes you feel less alone because FAITH is what we all need and faith is what causes miracles. I am at contant war with my mind, telling myself il be ok when really i feel like i am disappearing,

DIET CHANGE- To fight the candida i have cut out SUGAR and tried to cut down wheat its been very hard i also drink a lot of detox tea i don't want toxins in my body and hope this may help.

NO DRUGS OR BOOZE OR CAFFIENE- I am a party girl, i have been my whole life i love partying with my friends and I'm always surrounded by booze and drugs but i am over it i long to feel sober, so i have cut all of this out as well as cigs, no improvement yet but its probably best to stay away till my body can heal itself.

ACCUPUNTURE- Just had my second session, although very costly i am hoping it may ground me a little or help balance me out the Chinese lady has given me some pills incase i have fluid in my ear, and some anti anxiety.

SO GUYS THATS ME sorry it was a little long winded i really welcome ANYONES ADVICE any medications that may help me ANYTHING or any thoughts of the adrenal fatigue, candida etc because i really don't think i ave anxiety before this all happened. GOD BLESS EVERYONE i just need some reassurance because i am scared and i am trying to do this alone. Knowing people are in the same boat has saved my life. Thanks everybody


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## Guest (May 18, 2016)

I don't really know what caused your DP/DR but it sounds like it could have been the weed brownie. Most people seem to get this from marijuana and edibles can be especially potent and dangerous. The good news is, most people who get weed-induced depersonalization recover. I suggest you check out the "Psychiatric Treatments for DP/DR" thread along with the "Managing DPD" board. There's a lot of useful information there that I'm almost certain will help you deal with your present situation.

The best advice I can give you is to be positive about your life despite your condition. Try to enjoy things as much as you can, even if you are feeling depersonalized. The more time you focus on getting out of your head and the less time you spend contemplating how you feel, the better things will become. I guarantee it.

Also, speaking from personal experience, try not to attach too much significance to good or bad days. The recovery process is very slow, but you can really mess it up by thinking to yourself "I am recovered" after one good day. Because as soon as it gets bad again, you will feel even worse. Just try to ignore it, pretend like you don't have DP/DR, and eventually I think you will notice it less and less.


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## Anna Carly (May 18, 2016)

Thank you very much makes sense!


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## KJames (Feb 29, 2016)

Hi there 

Although not identical...I definately can relate to many of your symptoms.

I wish I had your courage at the start of my DP. I hid away for ages before doing anything about it.

I cannot stress how important Gratitude is, Well done!

You are certainly not alone. It seems clear that you love life and I believe you will overcome this.

Peace and Love 
KJ


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