# the aftermath of living in nowhere



## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

I'm research tech, and I work in the Sub-Arctic in a little town called Churhcill for anyone who knows anyhting about Canadian geography. Got here on Thursday and found out that I was travelling about 75 kilometers down the train tracks to a remote cabin in the middle of nowhere. When i say nowhere, I mean nowhere. The closest soul (other than the two guys I was working with) was back in Churchill. Plus this cabin, well, shack, looks like it belongs in a horror movie where everyone gets hacked to bits.

This was a one room cabin, no water, electricity, no comforts, and definitely not clean. THe work was HARD. Lugging around gear over peat and through dense forest all day long yesterday. Ever since I got in CHurchill my dr has gotten worse, but this cabin trip made it even worse. I feel very far from myself.... it's no fun. It especially sucks because my life is social 24/7, I am literally always around people. It's just hard to interact and stay focused. Plus, I was kind of seeing this guy here back in May and we agreed to hook up once I got back, but I feel absolutely nothing for him or towards him. I'm tyring to figure out how to avoid him because its kind of hard to tell someone you don't want to see them because youre going through some "issues"... *sigh*


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Whoa, that sounds really extreme. Have you seen The Thing - excellent film. I just hate the body horror bits.


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## Guest (Jun 30, 2007)

"The Thing"

Such a classic!

I even played the game =P.

lol... relates as well... heh.

*takes a sample of severed's blood then burns it*... *BOOM*... lol.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

I will definitely not be watching this movie then... the silence and idea of crazy people in the north scares me enough already!!


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2007)

DON'T EAT THE DREADED "YELLOW SNOW!"


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

lol, theres no snow here, its 21 degrees C and sunny outside, too bad I'm stuck in bed wishing I never touched a drop of alcohol last night. Its safe to say I threw up my guts last night, I expect I'll walk around a corner and find a lung somewhere.

New resolution: NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!! 8)


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

:lol: good luck with that
sounds like a _fun_ place to live....


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2007)

"Oups"... lol. What was you dwinking missy? lol. "bless ya".


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

from what i remember coolers and way too much gin. God I hate the stuff. my friend mixed me the drink, just thinking about it now makes me want to throw up again :?

i will miss tequila though lol. ya, it'll be hard to stay away from the liqour because thats about all people do in their spare time, DRINK. One bad thing about the Canadian north...


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## Guest (Jul 5, 2007)

Aww I bet your "love" your friend for mixin that up for ya =P.. heh.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

I wanted to beat up Kyle after that, and for trying to give me a ciagrette. Sigh, sometimes it's no fun to drink with guys because they become complete perves! (I'm also going to beat up my friend Pat)

In regards to my dr though, things aren't so good. I feel like I'm constantly 24 million light years away from my body. When I feel it, I try to figure out where I am, and It's like I can almost picture it somewhere. When my dr first happened I thought it was like my soul had gone for a vacation in the stars... That's where I feel I am sometimes. Sitting in a nebula somewhere in space, I just can't see it. I'm having issues with my vision... There's nothing wrong with it, its just the way my brain is interpretting my surroundings I guess. It's hard to explian, it's like things aren't real, they are far away, almost like their fuzzy, and I don't really care about what I'm seeing and don't really pay attention to my surroudings. I'm stuck on auto-pilot, so I'm stil able to function and work. It's just that life is like hell right now, but I imagine that hell would be a little worse


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## Guest (Jul 5, 2007)

*Completely relates with Kyle*? Bless his cotton socks; ?Perves unite!?. Come on, if you were a male? chances are you?d be a perve too (although let us not forget; there are female perves too!)? Why can?t you just come to understand that having a penis is ?hard?! *wipes tear*? It?s like having a control freak with an on/off button which is totally intermittent! =*(. ?Meow?? *Puppy eyes* =P.

Ah, I?m sorry to hear about your DR? seems we?re to relate also? mine is ?different?? in the years I have had it? It?s never been like this, I believe it?s due to my cured brain fog? now my mind is more clear to think about the DR & DP? it?s so much worse? which in the end will trigger my brain fog to return? and so I speak of a vicious circle.

Hard to explain? You go up to a ?normal stereo type? person and ask them to explain ?how they feel being normal?? they won?t be able too? how could they? They can not relate it to anything other then their own normality? although I say this because DR/DP is all I know? I do not know what ?True normality? is? because DR/DP is my ?own? normality.

?Auto-pilot?? pretty much the core of it all? We?re able to watch ourselves ?live?? and so it feels as if some one else is at the ?controls?.

Hell can not be imagined? we as humans aren?t able to imagine such a place? because our judgement isn?t clear on the ?subject? at hand? let?s assume for a moment that the souls sent to hell are to be ?healed?? Although why I link this to religion, I do not know? I beg your pardon.

Just know? you?re far from ?alone? and I?m ?feeling? you right know? I ?understand?.

Darren.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

Thanks Darren, that "made me feel better"  lol I liked all the quotation marks 

I ahve to admit, I probably would be a perve if I were a guy, and I'm glad that i wasn't cursed (or blessed, depends on how you look at it) with the male appendage.

I forget normaility... I cna't remmeber feeling wiht my whole body, being a complete entitiy. I can't remember pure emotion. I can't remember love (ever since my dr started it's been hard to get into a relationship with anyone... I've got a "kind-of" date tomorrow though, so I hope I don't act all weird and get anxious and messed up over it). And I'm sick of auto-pilot. My current state of living doens't allow me time or room to really try to focus on my well being. It's all work and socalizing all the time, I'm a little drained and at times "bitchy"...

I'm glad that someone understands! Well, kind of. It sucks that other people live like this, but it's also kind of comforting to know that I'm not totally alone, even though it feels like I've fallen down a bottomless pit on the inside *thinks happier thoughts...*

 Katy


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## Guest (Jul 6, 2007)

You?re welcome Katy =). I tend to use the quotation marks to highlight what I ?feel?.

Well It?s not easy being a guy (I mean? we don?t have to go through labour or monthly premenstrual? :roll: ) or a woman for that matter? it all comes down to how one?s mind is at the time? (Mine?s fooked!  ).



> (or blessed, depends on how you look at it) with the male appendage.


Well the way I?m looking at ?mine?? I?m fookin blessed :wink:  .

Aw )))Hugs your whole body better with out being a perve bout it?lease I can do?(((. All I can remember is during the time I inhaled lighter fluid? I felt as if my ?soul? had shattered? I can remember biting down on my tongue trying to locate where it was (It felt as if my tongue was moving all around my face)? it was ?unreal?? and so? I am now? *Drum roll* = ?unreal?.

Good luck with you ?kind-of? date tomoz? your best bet is to ?go with the flow? and see if you?re able to take things slow by becoming friends first of all, if he respects you? you?ll be able to take things slow? and respect is something we all deserve  ? even the people with tails . You need to ?stop? for a moment? get into a ?hot? bath which smells/feels relaxing? make sure it?s night so you can light some candles? and allow your ?bitchyness? to melt away (although you?re soul might also ?melt away? as well due to the DR/DP? :roll: ? *Shrugs* ).

Well being alone with this shite would be a ba*tard wouldn?t it? So it?s an honour that I?m in this together with you and the others from here to see these hard times through )hugs(.

You take care nowz Katy *Meowwww? purrrr*.

Darren.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

I seriosuly looked like this when I read your post Darren, it made me smile the biggest in a long time! Thanks so much for the comforting ***hugs back really hard (thanks for not beign a perve)*** Ya, we are all through this together, the support I get off this sight is so much more then I could ever get from my friends and family because they just don't understand.



> Well It?s not easy being a guy (I mean? we don?t have to go through labour or monthly premenstrual? ) or a woman for that matter? it all comes down to how one?s mind is at the time? (Mine?s fooked! ).
> 
> Quote:
> (or blessed, depends on how you look at it) with the male appendage.
> ...


I'm pretty happpy with being a young woman right now. I'd rather deal with the bleeding, pms and childbearing than with the problems of being a man  I'm around guys 24/7 right now, and in field camps they tend to get a "little" mroe wild than usual.

I'm trying to not think about everything that's messing me up right now, a little hard because today is like "my day off work" so I have a lot of space and time to think. As for hte bath, that's a luxury I don't have access to at the moment. I'll have to settle for a nice cool shower as my room is a little stuffy and hot. And I don't have scented candles... So I'll settle for scented soap lol I'm looking forward to the "kind-of" date tonight, we kind of know each other, but I'm not a "fast girl" so I'm looking to take things slow.

*hugs Darren and everyone else on the site* There are lots of good things in life, I'm just learning to appreciate them all again.

Take care too man *puuurrrrrr....... and a cute puppy bark for good measure  **


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## Guest (Jul 6, 2007)

Aww bless you? you?re making me smile/smirk a lot at the moment as well?  , I feel really good I made you smile so much? I don?t often feel so good? so thank you for being happy smiley due to me  . You?re welcome for the comforting hugz? )))Hugs back while squeezing your butt(((  :shock: !... *Shrugs*? wh-what?! It?s a butt; it?s meant to be squeezed; I squeezed it; it happened; and now it?s ?over?? *bites lips*? I wouldn?t really squeeze your butt in real life? I?m not that easy :wink: . Well we can relate to being misunderstood now ourselves? DR/DP teachers us a great deal we?re not even aware of?(but if we're not aware of it... how can I be?... :roll: :lol: ) I believe after recovering, I will be a better person for it? I won?t take life for granted. I must admit, the site has made some matters worse for me? although it?s balanced out from the support of just being around people who relate.

How ?young? are you? Is 23 still a young age? (I?m 23? :roll: ? lol)? hey ?Each to their own?? I guess PMS are painful for a reason? women tend to be able to handle pain and blood much more easier then ?some? men because they can experience it more? "Wild"?? as in: *Wolf whistles @ you*? ? 

Try to try not trying to hard on yourself? (lol) You know how hard it is to get to sleep if you force yourself? it?s pretty impossible? so go with the flow and keep yourself busy as possible? (It can be hard, I know? I?m male? *smirks*).

Well you know? you could always lay down on your bed before sleeping? and imagine yourself in a hot bath with smelly candles and Darren already soakin in da bath? (hah? )

Awww I like the ?slow girl? type? much more ?meaningful?? you come to embrace a developed love (if things turn out okeys)? I want that kinda warmth myself because it threaded with strings of ?trust?? something I long for  .

Thanks for the hugs Katy 

*Sticks tongue out at your while keeping his left eye shut* 

Darren.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

I'm loving the love and smiling action going on here. I definitely need it at the moment... Last night I showed up to my date a half hour late, but my kind of date was also really late (an hour on his part). but we had a really good time regardless. Had a beer, ewnt to his place for a little while to chat, then went back to the bar to play pool and had another drink. He treated me nice, didnt make a move (although we kind of made out the last time I saw him, about a month ago) and he even saved me from some creepy drunk local guy at the bar. I really liek this guy, its easy to talk to him, I think hes really good looking, hes smart and he seems to like me. But I got really depressed last night. Not because I had to leave, but its like I crashed... I don't know why but its like everytime something good happens to me, I feel really worthless, liek I could have done more, I could have been more perfect. GRR at my brain 

I'm 18, but my date is 23. Apparently I look 23 though. I would consider 23 a young age still, early twenties is defintely young. lol and yes, I'll definitely think of you soaking in a nice warm bath with scented candles and dimmed lights *pppuuuuurrrrrrrsssss *

Ya, I want to build a good relationship... taking it slow is good, but I kind of wanted a kiss last night  haha  Maybe next time? I really want to be able to trust someone and love them completely. I've got so many walls built up, and I know that if things go slow and stay good that I have a chance at breaking these barriers.

Thanks for the butt squeeze! Whoo! Self-esteem boost!  I enjoy those wolf whistles, keep 'em coming! Ya, being a girl is weird and hard, but I'm totally turning into a perve! Been hanging around with too many pervy guys..

**hugs back and returns the butt squeeze*** 


> !... *Shrugs*? wh-what?! It?s a butt; it?s meant to be squeezed; I squeezed it; it happened; and now it?s ?over??


*I agree!!!!!*

**soaks up Darren's support n' love in a dreamy state** lol


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

today = bad

tired, out of it, struggling to stay sane and intact. down and out, self esteem has taken a bad blow.

:*(


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2007)

)))Massages your shoulders(((. )Hugs(


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

thanks


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2007)

You're welcome... your PMs have been cheering me up )Hugs(.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

No luck with men:

I essentially got "shot down" by two guys in one day. The first, "Cam", has stopped talking to me, even though the last time we hung out everything went incredibly well and I kept getting really good vibes from him. The second guy, "Mike", is a guy I'm working with right now. One night, a few days ago, we kind of had a "connection", and the reason things didn't go further at the moment was because "he had only known me for about a week". After what happened he went and told everyone that we work with "that I tried to kiss him", and he didn't know what he should do because of the amount of time we knew each other and the fact that he was a sweetheart back home... So he was lying to me when we were talking about relationships. Plus everyone I work with (who I also live with 24/7 because I'm in a field camp) knows about this, and I really didn't want to the be the next topic of gossip. I feel hurt by this guy, and he also left out what he was doing to me that night, so I feel like I sound like some pathetic lonely girl who keeps throwing herself at men.  (Darren, why couldn't you live in Winnipeg?!)

My dr remains bad, and this bs on top of it isn't helping...


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2007)

You?re just far too keen )Hugs(? which is fine because you wanna be loved ect.

I ?need??. ?want?? to work towards getting myself with a girl? because if I she?s too easy? I just can?t give her the respect I need to give her. And any chance of a relationship is blown outta the water. You?d be better off being a prick tease (even though I can?t stand women who tease like that!... lol)? although be careful because you might get in trouble if you turn the ?males? on with out giving what they expect.

Just don?t smile as much? don?t allow them to believe you?re interested in them? (so be friends at the max)? and force them to make the moves.


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## severed (Jun 11, 2007)

Ya, I'm staying as far away from Mike as possible right now, and I'm keeping it that way until he "confronts" me about what is going on. Which may be never.

I'm not really so bold, but all the signs were pointing to him liking me back, so I gave it a shot (I was a little tipsy too). That al backfired though haha. Never doing that again...


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2007)

Never be the one to make the move... allow the guys to do that because it's their job =P.


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