# Bad Times



## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Feeling horrific. Really think this disease may end my life one way or another. I don't know how to keep coping. Where are the hardcore sufferers at - what happened to Birdiehead and Bosko? Are they still alive? You guys holler at me if you see this huh, I want to know you're still fighting. I know you guys both have been through the depths. I need some sort of nod or something. This shit is fucked. I think my own condition goes beyond DP, headaches and chronic fatigue are tied up in it... just utter destruction of my life. I'm a mess.

How much longer can i do this?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Dude...I feel for you. I have the chronic fatigue as well. Tired all the god damn time. Sleep, sleep, sleep...

I am worried about Birdiehead too. I sent him a message a couple weeks ago and have not yet heard back from him. Man, I hope he and Bosko are still alive. Fuck.


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## seeingisbelieving123 (Dec 27, 2011)

PhoenixDown said:


> Feeling horrific. Really think this disease may end my life one way or another. I don't know how to keep coping. Where are the hardcore sufferers at - what happened to Birdiehead and Bosko? Are they still alive? You guys holler at me if you see this huh, I want to know you're still fighting. I know you guys both have been through the depths. I need some sort of nod or something. This shit is fucked. I think my own condition goes beyond DP, headaches and chronic fatigue are tied up in it... just utter destruction of my life. I'm a mess.
> 
> How much longer can i do this?


hey Phoenix, have you ever been tested for Lymes disease just to make sure its not something else causing your dp/dr/

Also, this may sound like a weird question but what is your diet like? There are lots of foods that may actually make dp/dr worse, like sugar and gluten and caffeine.

Have you also tried adding fish oil, B-vitamins and an herbal adaptogen (stress relief formula)to your plan? A nice combo of calming and energy boosting herbs like skullcap, lemon balm, rhodiola, ashwaganda and eleutherococcus or something of that combination would be very helpful for your nervous system/fatigue etc.


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## InfiniteDivine (Aug 9, 2011)

Suicidal ideation has made its way into my head many times. My DR is over the top as of late causing visuals that are borderline hallucination. My DP leaves me more empty and hollow than words could ever describe and I've completely given up on finding some sort of "meaning" in this life. Anxiety plagues me from time to time as I dip my toes into the mystical lake of paradoxical questions, ruminating constantly about this life and what the fuck is actually going on??? It's so hard man. I think many people know exactly what you are going through. I think way more people than you think are at the same point that you find yourself in right now.

I had to find coping methods or I knew this thing was going to end me before I finished the marathon, so to speak. First off I made a firm decision not to give up and try to live through it no matter what. I always tell myself that pain and suffering are merely a feeling like anything else, part of being human. If we can feel love and happiness and be okay with it, then we can feel pain and suffering and be okay with it. The problem is everyone wants only good feelings and never want bad feelings THis is where the problem truly lies. If you can completely accept good or bad for what they are without rejecting, it becomes possible to live through anything. Sometimes, if I feel like shit, I say to myself, "Lets see how much worse it can get! I want to feel as much pain as I possibly can in this lifetime." And when I truly say that deep down, it takes some weight off. I become able to just be with the pain and suffering as it is and it's not so bad.

Second, don't think so far ahead in life. Don't think just because you are depressed beyond belief and are living in a dark empty void of nothingness and meaninglessness that it will last forever. Live day by day, or moment by moment. Progress in small steps and don;t worry too much about the distant future. If you can just keep breathing in this moment, than you can make it through an entire lifetime. And if you can keep making it through, than I guarantee you will see better days at some point, as long as you try.

Third you should find something you're passionate about if you don't already have something. It can be simple or technical, whatever works for you. For example I started to learn drums. This gives me something to practice and something to look forward to. You should really try to find something that you can look forward to and sort of refine and progress with over your lifetime. That way, you can live in the moment, but you also have some sort of meaning that is pushing you through. Is there anything deep down you've always wanted to do, or learn?

Lastly, if you can't live with yourself, than live for others. Though the people in my life that I truly love and truly love me back can be counted on my ten fingers alone, they are one of the biggest reasons I will never kill myself by my own hand. They have helped me and continued to love and help me so much throughout my life that to kill myself would give them the same feelings of pain and suffering that you are describing in your post. It leaves people feeling horrible, thinking they did something wrong, filling them with dread and guilt. You can't be so selfish. Everyone claims that DP/DR causes one to lose the self, however there is nothing more selfish than ending ones life when there are other people in this world that truly care about you.

Also, this lifetime could be a great opportunity. We were given the chance to have a body and a mind in this universe as human beings. Seems like a small chance to me. If you think of life as an opportunity to experience and do what you want to do, it becomes more of a journey. And you never know what comes after this, it could be better or it could be worse. All I know is that humans can adapt to live with any amount of pain and suffering, and the only thing that can bring us down is ourselves. It's truly your decision weather to take charge and try to live or just give up.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

InfiniteDivine said:


> Suicidal ideation has made its way into my head many times. My DR is over the top as of late causing visuals that are borderline hallucination. My DP leaves me more empty and hollow than words could ever describe and I've completely given up on finding some sort of "meaning" in this life. Anxiety plagues me from time to time as I dip my toes into the mystical lake of paradoxical questions, ruminating constantly about this life and what the fuck is actually going on??? It's so hard man. I think many people know exactly what you are going through. I think way more people than you think are at the same point that you find yourself in right now.
> 
> I had to find coping methods or I knew this thing was going to end me before I finished the marathon, so to speak. First off I made a firm decision not to give up and try to live through it no matter what. I always tell myself that pain and suffering are merely a feeling like anything else, part of being human. If we can feel love and happiness and be okay with it, then we can feel pain and suffering and be okay with it. The problem is everyone wants only good feelings and never want bad feelings THis is where the problem truly lies. If you can completely accept good or bad for what they are without rejecting, it becomes possible to live through anything. Sometimes, if I feel like shit, I say to myself, "Lets see how much worse it can get! I want to feel as much pain as I possibly can in this lifetime." And when I truly say that deep down, it takes some weight off. I become able to just be with the pain and suffering as it is and it's not so bad.
> 
> ...


thank you InfiniteDivine. So many of these points are what ultimately what keep me around - but I need to hear them more than ever. I especially like the second point about seeing how bad it can get. I know I'm in control, but I don't like the options. I will keep fighting, but I'm worn down from a year of this looking at an endless road of suffering ahead. I'm way past my second wind, looking to drum up some hope out of nothing. Best to all you guys. I'm always here to give support back.


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## Walkingzombie (Jul 7, 2011)

Hey man, there's something about the way you post a topic which makes me immediately realizing that's it you posting a topic. Crazy dude. Don't know how I do it or what you type, but I always seem to recognizing when you initiate a topic without seeing your name. Maybe I got ESP or someshit like that?

Anyways, keep fighting man. It's been a year for me too. Shittiest year of my life, but I guess I've still managed to get some shit done. Still holding down a job for about the past 8 months and even got promoted. Granted, I've been practically a mute at my job and haven't made any real friends due to the fact that my mind is always blank, but I've saved up about $15,000 and I'm looking to move out this summer and get a place of my own with my buddy.

We'd drink and smoke and just chill everynight. Get fucked up, order food, play video games, and watch movies. It'd be such a boss ass time despite still dealing with this shit.

I've lost a lot of friends in the process, some still check up on me like my old best friend just did with a text or my ex-girlfriend did earlier in the week with a facebook message, but it sucks knowing you lost so many people as friends just because your in a fucked up mind state. Maybe not lost is the correct word, but fell out of touch.

Gotta get back to work and do some data migration (FUNNN!!!!), but I hope to talk to you soon. You're a real chill guy and your posts are always insightful. Hope to talk to you one on one some day man. Feel free to inbox me anytime.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Pheonix, if I can do this you can do this. I've had it 24/7 for 4 to 6 years (I can't tell or remember really how many years it's been), I've had lost time, I've almost been hit by cars because of this, prior to dp I had tried suicide twice, you don't want to go there. Suicidal feelings *will* go away. I promise. I've gone through feeling dead, alien, like I don't exist, like the universe isn't real. I've had one hell of a time. I've been in treatment for over 10 years, I've been on over 45 medications, had half a dozen wrong diagnoses, I've been brought to the hospital by police, been inpatient, out patient, "frequent flier" at the er. Since I've had dp there were only two episodes of reality, one was two days one was maybe two minutes, no one really knows why either happened and it's never happened again.

You can do this. Feel free to msg me


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

i love you guys


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