# Need to vent big time



## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

I'm pretty new on this site but going on here seems to be the only thing that slighty relieves the mental agony of every other waking minute. I'm starting to wonder how much DP i'm feeing, I think its more OCD? Last night I wasn't actually feeling in excruciating pain so I went round to a ex girlfriends place and was planning on staying the night there and thought "I can handle this actually so didn't take a diazapam before bed but then spent about 2 hours just lying threre stuck in my mind but still trying to say to myself "you can hadnle this, just tough it out, don't be such a pussy but then I had another panic attack and drove straight home which scared her and then that got me scared that she was scared! 
I rang the mental health crisis team cos I thought I was loosing it an they just said try and distract yourself, I also took another two 5 mg diazapam but then didn't do shit. I think I maybe 1 hours sleep then played the playstation and time slowed down and I experienced every second.

Can anyone realte to any of these thought that I've had over the last few days?

-The thought of killing people
-The thought "don't take diazapam because thats what they want you to do" so I took it straight away to prove it wrong
-They're trying to trick you, then panic attack. I don;t even know who "they" are.lol
-I saw my friend a couple of days ago and there was some dumbells on the floor and I though about just smashing him in the face with them"
-"This is not OCD, I realy want to hurt people
-I left this list at my parents place so they know all the crazt thoughts i'm having, then I had the urge to go back and rip it up but didn't
-My cat/people aren't real so it doesn;t matter if I hurt them, then panic
-Scared i'm going to come up with some "scheme" to figure out why im feeling like this (like paranoia, consipiracy)
-"I am dead or dreaming or don't exist. In the panic state this is the real reality "absolute truth", meds won't help cos I really am dead. I think i'm anxious cos I think i'm dead, not becauseI just have the thought?
-The thougt "I know this started happening on Tueday morning (6 days ago) but what if it didn't?
-What if i'm in hell and have kept killing myself over and over? I know time is still passing and i'm only 29 and i'll eventually die but when I have that thought I get stuck in time.

It's like every reason/rationalization I have a counter to! Argghh how can we live like this?


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## Danny Depersonalized (Jul 18, 2011)

I haven't had the thought of harming others, or anything like that.

I'd check myself straight into a hospital or something, if I were you.


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## tmmontgomery (Jun 14, 2011)

From the stuff that I have read, it seems like you are suffering more from some type of OCD or maybe bipolar disorder. I know that the "they" thought is often associated with bipolar disorder.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

private residential mental health clinic would be ideal for me, perhaps for you... it will give you time to process all those thoughts and emotions, and a chance to regain normalcy without medication. I sort of feel like medication is fucking me up too but every time I don't take them (antidepressants) I start freaking out again and lose all ability to function socially.... i agree with the crisis line worker though, perhaps the best thing to do when having such manic, threatening thoughts is just play some video games or anything to distract yourself.


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

I'm so freaked out and anxious from what you guys said. I really don't want to hurt people I just get the thoughts. I would rather die myself than hurt someone else. When I say "they" I don't really know what that means, I just get anxious at that thought and haven't come up with a plan on what that means. I' just scared i'll start coming up with consipicay theories. I'm seeing my therapist in about 2 hours and will show him the list of all the thoughts I wrote. I've told him i think i'm going crazy but he just says its OCD. I Kinda want to just get locked away and drugged up and forget eveything.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> I'm pretty new on this site but going on here seems to be the only thing that slighty relieves the mental agony of every other waking minute. I'm starting to wonder how much DP i'm feeing, I think its more OCD? Last night I wasn't actually feeling in excruciating pain so I went round to a ex girlfriends place and was planning on staying the night there and thought "I can handle this actually so didn't take a diazapam before bed but then spent about 2 hours just lying threre stuck in my mind but still trying to say to myself "you can hadnle this, just tough it out, don't be such a pussy but then I had another panic attack and drove straight home which scared her and then that got me scared that she was scared!
> I rang the mental health crisis team cos I thought I was loosing it an they just said try and distract yourself, I also took another two 5 mg diazapam but then didn't do shit. I think I maybe 1 hours sleep then played the playstation and time slowed down and I experienced every second.
> 
> Can anyone realte to any of these thought that I've had over the last few days?
> ...


Ok, when you have thoughts about smacking people in the face etc. Are the thoughts distrssing? If so, they sound like intrusive thoughts which is OCD.

It could be OCD/ iintursive thoughts mixed in with some parnoia. The 'they' part sounds worrying.


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Yes the thoughts of smacking people in the face are very worrying and I don't want to act on them! Now it sounds like i'm tying to convince you guys i'm not crazy which I think I am anyway! I don't really know how to explain it. Because I have DP and feel so weird and "stuck" in this state i guess my mind naturally tries to figure out why which lead to the doubting of reality nad fear of paranoid thougths. When I had the "they" thought it casued extreme anxity not cos I trully beleived people are out to get me but because I had that thought


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I had those thoughts too at the beginning of this. They are just ocd thoughts.
You are in a state of high anxiety at the moment and everything feels out of control. I can totally relate. 
Are you on anti anxiety meds? Ssris are good for the extreme panic, obsessive thoughts. Go to you gp and see what they suggest. 
Obsessive thoughts about hurting others are very common in ocd. If they are worrying you, you wont act on them. I went through the exact same thing a few weeks ago.
But I think you should take anxiety meds, the are sure to help.


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

When this all started I kept worrying that I was gonna kill my cat and my boyfriend. Really awful. But upping my meds stopped that, now I'm just stuck with the dp / dr feelings! Lucky me!


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

To be fucking honest. I have the exact same shit,I'm fucking scared I'm going to lose it and actually preform the thoughts I have. I dont really have the thought of they want to kill me or some shit. But i do have this to. I guess it has to do with the DP/DR. Because I never had that in my life.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

Tommyboy said:


> Yes the thoughts of smacking people in the face are very worrying and I don't want to act on them! Now it sounds like i'm tying to convince you guys i'm not crazy which I think I am anyway! I don't really know how to explain it. Because I have DP and feel so weird and "stuck" in this state i guess my mind naturally tries to figure out why which lead to the doubting of reality nad fear of paranoid thougths.* When I had the "they" thought it casued extreme anxity not cos I trully beleived people are out to get me but because I had that thought *


When you say 'out to get me' what do you mean? Do you think people are out to hurt/ kill you?

The other stuff sounds like intrusive thoughts/ OCD. Not downplaying how horrible they are, but if they are causing you distress, then you won't act on them. The nature of intrusive thoughts, is that they plague you with thoughts and visions of things that you'd never ever do. And the more you panic and try and avoid them, the worse the thoughts will get. What you should do, and I know this is hard, but when you get an intrustive thoguht, repeat it over and over, out loud if you can, until it becomes absurd. The intrusive thoughts feed off your fear and panic, and if you face up to the thoughts, they'll lessen.

Get this book, it's really good http://www.amazon.com/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive/dp/0525945628

DP and OCD often go hand in hand, so don't worry about it. 
There's a form of meditation called Mindfulness, that's often used to treat OCD and it's good for DP also. It's great for pulling you back from OCD thoughts, and works as a distraction. Also helps with anxeity which will reduce the OCD.
http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

Give these two things a go, see if they help.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Tommyboy said:


> I'm pretty new on this site but going on here seems to be the only thing that slighty relieves the mental agony of every other waking minute. I'm starting to wonder how much DP i'm feeing, I think its more OCD? Last night I wasn't actually feeling in excruciating pain so I went round to a ex girlfriends place and was planning on staying the night there and thought "I can handle this actually so didn't take a diazapam before bed but then spent about 2 hours just lying threre stuck in my mind but still trying to say to myself "you can hadnle this, just tough it out, don't be such a pussy but then I had another panic attack and drove straight home which scared her and then that got me scared that she was scared!
> I rang the mental health crisis team cos I thought I was loosing it an they just said try and distract yourself, I also took another two 5 mg diazapam but then didn't do shit. I think I maybe 1 hours sleep then played the playstation and time slowed down and I experienced every second.
> 
> Can anyone realte to any of these thought that I've had over the last few days?
> ...


Yeah, I think it's OCD too. A few years ago I had similar thing. I was truly scared of hurting people/ stealing/etc, though I knew I could never do those things. But those thoughts were terrible. Thankfully the thoughts are gone now and of course I didn't act out any of this








I still have though other of million thoughts about every possible thing. If you are scared of those thoughts and you know deep inside that you could never do those things- then you have nothing to worry about. It's just in your head, and that's ok. You'll be fine!









Take care.


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## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

i get thoughts of hurting people aswell. Like people i love like family members. I have no idea why.. Its really freaky.


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Reading some of the last posts have really reassured me. 
I saw my doc yesterday and he upped the ssri's, and gave me some qutiapene (sp?)which is classified as an anti-psychotic but used in low doses to help with sleep. I took some last night at 9.30 and woke up about 4.30 its the most sleep i've had in 6 days which is a positive. I saw my psychologist at 2pm yesterday but was scared i'd go crazy and hurt someone before then so I texted him what I was thinking and turned up an hour early just to be sure. (i gues thats a reassurance complusion?) I gave him the list of exactly what I wrote at the start of this post and he said its just extreme OCD causing the anxiety.
I don't think people are out to get me at all, I just have the fear that i'll start thinking and believing that which freaks me out but I do wonder if im stuck in a dream or hell or something


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

How you going kiwi tom? Is the edge off at all? I hope so. Nice day in auckland today!


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi jojo

No things arent better at all. I got some new meds that do help me sleep a bit more but as soon as I way up its back to the same old feeing; time going slow, stuck in my head, questioning who/what I am, thinking i'm stuck in a nightmare or dead. Nothing seems to give me relief (even diazapam), maybe posting on this site for a few minutes does though. It feels so "real", I cantt even imagine how what normal is or how i'm supposed to get back there. I really don't want to kill myself, i'm scared of dying but how the fuck can I live in agony every second? I will try and hang in there a bit longer


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I am really sure that you will be fine. You are still in a crisis state, and it will take awhile for the meds to work. Please don't do anything drastic, I know it is tempting when you feel like you are in living hell, but I promise it will pass.

Are you working at the moment? I hope that you are getting all the love and support you need









Are you able to go for walks or do any exercise? Do you have a cat you can cuddle? I find those things took the edge off a little.

Take care matie


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Thanks jojo How are things going with you? 
I've taken time of work, and staying with my parents at the moment (driving them insane too I think)

I've been trying to go for walks and my parents have an adorable poodle who lathers attention on me which is nice. This afternoon I had a brief moment of releif for some reason, I got all enthusiastic and showered,had a shave,did some pullups but then pretty much straight away the terror came back and the crazy OCD thoughts. It seems to fluctuate throughout the day: Pure DP (time going slow/stuck in head), obsessive worry about being dead, so I read up about nihlism and cotards delusion, then fear of hurting people and fear of becoming paranoid going nuts. It just goes round and round in circles.I sort of wish I could be hypnotized or have a lobotomy to get rid of all these worrys


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

Oh I love poodles! What colour and size? I had one when I was a kid, a little black one, so cute.

Good that you're at your folks, it is the best place to be at the moment. I think I'm driving my boyfriend crazy at the moment, it's been months of insaneness.

I'm up and down, had a good day on monday, terrible day yesterday and even worse today. Couldn't sleep at all. I am terribly depressed and anxious. I have derealization worse the dp, both are totally evil and wrong. It's horrific what we have to go through.

I have made a promise to not do anything drastic to my mum and bf and friends. Even though they don't feel real, i know that they are!

I totally understand that ocd thoughts, it is hellish. I had them really bad a few months ago, so horrible. But my main thing at the moment is feeling COMPLETELY spacey and like i'm in a terrible dream.

Take care, and feel free to message if you need support









This too will pass (which is my phrase du jour)


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