# Forgot about this place



## ekoh32 (Jul 14, 2008)

As chronic as this feeling may feel now it is not permanent. I suffered with this for 3 or 4 years and fully recovered so for you long timers in here it is possible. I like some of you was a regular toker quit for awhile and came back to hard. Was way too stoned, triggered a panic attack, and you know the rest. It was hell. Life and the world completely turned upside down. The fabric of reality ceased to make sense and left me in a constant state of panic and fear of existance. I don't remember everything but I remember being afraid to even think which is miserable. I trudged through life and did everything I could to defy the fear. It worked. I accepted a sales job and forced myself to talk to people constantly. I realized the more social I became the less I thought about the disorder. Eventually I would only think about it when I wasn't working which was a huuuuge improvement. A year went by and I was feeling much like my old self so I decided to start smoking again. It took awhile but I gradually built my tolerance back up and I felt completely rid of the thought cycle. I then made the mistake of testing my tolerance to a whole new level and smoked way too much one night (about 10 bowls followed by a gas mask). Full blown relapse and reset from ground zero. It was a terrible idea but the point was I had achieved recovery and was able to push my mind to that level again. I then decided that I had to get back on my feet. Another couple years went by. In those years I moved to two other cities for a few months each because of my job living in stressful living conditions in small apartments with too many fellow employees. I stayed in sales because it always challenged my anxiety and forced me out of my funk. I began smoking again with DR (not for everyone) and forced myself to face it. Over time it faded away again but took me another 2 years after my relapse.

As for recovery it is a good idea to challenge things you wouldnt normally do. As an individual who can suffer from this state, you are an extremely intelligent person. Put that quality to good use. The recovery has taught me alot of discipline and patience. It has also taught me more about myself and others. These are all traits that can highly benefit your life. After recovery you will have border line super power insight into almost anything you do. I would not trade the things I have learned through this journey for anything and would not take it back if I could. All this "disorder" really boils down to is a mental journey that most will never get to experience. It is almost a blessing in disguise. Recovery is slow but what you hear is true. One day you will realize its been days without thinking about it, then your brain moves right back to something else. I still smoke and it no longer bothers me as long as I'm careful, I still am working the same sales job but have moved to vice president, and I hang out with friends and rarely think about this disorder. You will and will not be the same person again. You will have the same confidence as you had before, but with a whole new understanding and appreciation for life and how much control that you have over it and yourself. I've been recovered for over a year now wouldn't change a thing about my life. Do not give up, this is a challenge to see what you are really made of, enjoy this gift and have patience on your journey. It will fade when you are ready.


----------



## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

If you could give some advice that would be great ... I have learned so much about this state of mind ... And have been in it for two years ... I am not numb anymore And don't feel disconnected . But I feel I dont know myself and also terrified of my existence ... As I see you said above ... 
I feel like life makes no sense anymore and I wonder wat I am and what I am doing here . Logically I know but my world seems so strange right now ... If you hve any advice or could tell me how bad you were once it would give me alot of hope .... At this point I wonder how I could ever live normal and accept reality again ...


----------



## ihatethis (Mar 13, 2012)

Thanks. I needed this.


----------



## ekoh32 (Jul 14, 2008)

katiej said:


> If you could give some advice that would be great ... I have learned so much about this state of mind ... And have been in it for two years ... I am not numb anymore And don't feel disconnected . But I feel I dont know myself and also terrified of my existence ... As I see you said above ...
> I feel like life makes no sense anymore and I wonder wat I am and what I am doing here . Logically I know but my world seems so strange right now ... If you hve any advice or could tell me how bad you were once it would give me alot of hope .... At this point I wonder how I could ever live normal and accept reality again ...


I hit rock bottom, at the beginning i was having panic attacks every 10 minutes for like a couple weeks. I remember being with family who I normally was sociable with in a resteraunt and not saying a word and feeling like i had lost my soul. I remember picking apart the fabric of reality with my mind 24/7 and not being able to sleep for days. I went to like 4 therapists who told me they had no idea what was going on which made it worse. I remember being in constant terror. That goes away though with time, you just need to learn to accept it for what it is. It is just an uncomfortable insight that is weird at first and takes time to gain control of. Once you stop letting it make you panic and realize its just anxiety (didnt used to believe it but trust me it is) you can over time forget about it. I even returned to being an avid stoner i just know my limits now and stop when i'm good although my tolerance is lower. (cheaper) The trick is get involved in something, not just involved but passionate. Mine was my job and trying to help run a small business. Go meet people, go to bars with friends, alcohol is a social lubricant but be careful that one can be a slippery slope. I took SSRI's for the beginning and it may have helped but i hated how they made me feel so i stopped. Nothing is wrong so why should i take meds. You just need to learn to relax and tell your brain to STFU when it starts goin bonkers. You will come out the other side of this a much better person than you ever were and remember that through this journey. All journeys have an end.


----------

