# STUCK



## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

im completely depersonalized i cant eecognize anything i just got in a car crash n im trying to heal bu my bodys gettin thrown aeround i cant connect with it i dnt wanna get sicker and die i dnt want my immune system to bust. i cant stop obsessing over realizt y why were here the meaning of life im just plain stuck and miserable i cant relax or get out


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

im trying to use all of this extra energy to be spiritual and work on my karma, not over analyze my existence. my cognitions are just super stuck on one thing, freaking myself out. im making myself go crazy. i know that exposure therapy is half the battle and the other half is uprising. maybe im stressed cuz i met someone special and im nervous about where its gonna go? or maybe its cuz im crippled from the car accident. trying times... =[ i feel alone, badly. if anyone wants to chat about this weird ass shit you cna aim me at jesser741 i think this is the worst day of my life but thats part of the anxiety disorder everything is somepletely over sensitized and amplified. its traumatic. i alomsot feel like i HAVE to go crazy, or somethings wrong with me. or like if i dotn go crazy, then im ignoring the truth. does that amke any sense? anyone want to pick my brain


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

time out jess. are you for real crippled from the accident? or just like temporarily on your ass from the injuries? either way, i'm so sorry this has happened to you. you have always been a ray of sunshine around here. when i first joined this site you were always super witty with your replies and i got a kick out of reading what you had to say.


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

i noticed it gets really bad during the day. every night is fine and the mornings are whatever. [not just sayin that cuz i like to drink at night.] i think this is all because during the day is when you do stuff and i dont think i can do stuff cuz i think im "crazy?" so i get stuck there and feel all out of whack. but i think it helps when i have the freak out episodes where im "falling away from reality and nothings real or im not alive " etc and then having the black out and screaming attack but when i come back i realized it was good cuz it was exposure therapy and the fear fades cuz i slwoly realize it cant hurt me, its just me fraking myself out cuz i feel like i "have to". i think part of all thsi is because im an artist, so i have a dark side to my mind that i cant help but explore because well...im an artist, im creative. i ask questions. i want to explore every groove of eveyrthing and anything possible. i was abused as a child is this relative at all ? and i think im just wayyyyy to far in my head. not just this but i over analyze everything. EVERYTHING. i back track text messages, conversations, things i did on a previous night, and ill do it over, over, and over. i have an obsessive personality. now u guys prolly think im comepletely insane and yes i am a very self conscious person. all i can say is fuck. i dont wanna be special i wanna be just like evryone else


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

that warms my heart to hear those words dude. yes i know im intelligent, and i think thats the problem. i mind fuck myself. aaanyways i have a FUCKED up ankle and a thrown out shoudler and abrasions on my chest, but im ok. its not broken. its just a bitch to get around. its literally black and purple though, its so bad. but im lucky, real lucky., im gonna be okay. thankls for caring


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

i think i should probably be more careful with my words. i didnt realize when i said it that crippled means terminal. fuck. i dont want to worry people. thats bad. i am "injured". sorry dude. =/


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

I hear you.. those existential questions are such a pain, it's been a long time now since I've been suffering of those, even though today it isn't that bad because I'm having a pretty heavy lack of breath because of allergies, goes to prove that distractions work, even if it's another kind of suffering


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

i know what you mean. i was real bad like a yr and a half ago or so. maybe even two. i would have to make myself cry or throw up just to get back in my body. its sad. i want to take care of myslef, not throw myself around. but i jsut let my mind take over with no avail.


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

and yes to prove your point even further, this is the first day my ankle really feels better, then the dp kicked in. i think feeling all of that pain grounded me, i was present with my body and the moment. [i learned a lot at therapy last year, or was it a couple years back, haha]


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

anyways, if i could just stop over analyzing evertything, and i mean EVERYTHING, my life would be perfect. its a bitch. i have to somehow come to terms with the fact that i dont have to know everything. i guess if i dont it just baffles me. i dont know why, i need to learn how to let go.


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## JessMess (Jan 8, 2009)

haha my brother just came up to me and said i told you to slow down [driving wise], see how bad your leg is? thats punk rock but it hurts, see how bad punk rock is? i told u if u rebel now u will regret later. ha ha but it was an accident, thats why its called a car accident, if i was rebelling against something it would be intentional right? wtf


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