# You piss me off but I love you anyway



## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Okay, for those who missed the show, this was called the Happy Thread. It was meant to be a kitch game where you told everyone how great they were. It was beginning to disturb me so I thought I should be more realistic about what I'm trying to share around here. So it is this: realistic, sometimes pissed off, admiration.


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## 17545 (Feb 14, 2007)

Thanks for loving me. I love you too, I guess.


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## J. (Apr 2, 2007)

it would be great to post here aswell

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=11371

J.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

haha


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## Levi (Dec 28, 2005)

I love you, too, piRsq

ps: cool thread 8)


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

:lol:

That's better. The name is a winner. I need to share more realistic love, it feels more natural.


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

This thread makes me smile--whether we're showing each other love or pissed off admiration  Thank you, piRsq.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

(Reflective)
Love is: acceptance

Actually, I've just realised how inappropriate it is to tell strangers you love them. I meant admire...even then, it's somehow naff. I can't really explain it but I feel I've damaged my public image by declaring my undying love/pissed off admiration for you. Humbug.


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## Guest (May 28, 2007)

Might ruin the threat by asking this although, do you guys get a warm fuzzy feeling inside when you say or receive the words ?I love you?? I?m being serious. Might go to show how ?love? could be the key to what we seek. Yet it must be unconditional and sincere love.

My CB Therapist told me I have a false belief that I believe I?m ?unlovable? no wonder I feel so numb.

Darren.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Do you think that's true - that your self-esteem is that low?

I used not to think I was loveable. I know that people enjoy my company (for short periods of time). Hahaha. No one's perfect in any case... Love is love - it accepts.


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## Guest (May 28, 2007)

My abilities and self value are limited? catch 22; I need to recover from DR/DP in order to believe in myself, yet In order to recover? I need to belief in myself. I could however live a life within the mask I wear? although the confidence I would gain would be that of an actor's and keep me bound to the puppet master.

I do not seek perfection, only the miracle cure which will give me a sense of balance.


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## jimmyb (May 9, 2007)

I just cannot wait to get through this either at the moment I am concentrating on the things going on around me by trying to stay alert as possible, focusing on the present moment and realising acceptance of the way I am also.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

I really sympathise with you for feeling like a puppet - it sounds quite disturbing.

It does seem a shame to be stuck in the mindset of needing to change, however, when the person you are is good enough. Skills and IQ are another matter, valuable but not necessary to be loveable.

I have my problems but have chosen to ride the disorder out instead of taking medication. That was my attitude pretty much from the start, and at my very best, I am sure of it as the best decision for me. At my worst, I wonder if I am just destined for a life of mental problems and may have done the wrong thing by approaching it from a psychological perspective. I feel a bit frustrated in a way that I don't understand your problem. I do feel that you are a different "dissociative" than myself. I think there are many different ways of experiencing this disorder, many causes perhaps.

For me, therapy has tangibly worked, although it has stirred up a heck of a lot also, and there have been times this year, where commitments have been a lesser priority than my mental and emotional health. It is not easy, in fact it's actually quite hard.

All I know is that the thing which made a big difference was feeling my emotions again and empathising with people. Those were very particular to my situation: my mother had treated me with a lack of empathy for a very long time and I had come accustomed to not feeling emotionally connect to either myself or other people. That was a very lonely state of poverty to exist in. My therapist helped me with her patience and understanding. She is not the type of person I thought I could ever relate to, but she accepted and did not judge me. If things went wrong, she showed genuine concern and if things were inflated to sounds better than they were, she told me about it.

I have arrived at a point where I no longer question my own internal life, but go with the validity of my feelings. It is something that causes me distress because sometimes I don't know what is the most appropriate way of expressing my emotions in public. Inside, I can feel so extremely intense, and it's almost as though I want to let the world know about it. I was a really stubborn child until the age of 5, when I got depression and seemed to lose a part of myself. My house was extremely oppressive because my mother wished to control overthing, and that included myself (as she found emotions and spontaneity very threatening...schizophrenic).

If I am honest, experiencing emotional vitality after a 20yr hiatus is actually quite scary.

I am sometimes overwhelmed. After years of being reigning in by my mother, I almost learned that personal vitality, spontaneity, life and creativity were a bad thing (must be avoided at all costs...how very stiffling)....and energy is not bad, when you are emotionally balanced. That's the thing. Right now I don't feel completely balanced, but I am getting there. As I say, at my best, I feel good and not depersonalised. At my worst I get emotional stuff dredged up probably from a fairly young age, but so far I have managed to ride all of it out with personal insight into what is going on.

My final note on therapy:

Self-esteem is intimately related to your emotional life. Vitality and emotional connection are somehow related....and love is acceptance of pain. That's my opinion anyway, it's what I took from The Drama of Being a Child.


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## jimmyb (May 9, 2007)

Yea I see what your saying there I think a lot of people get hung up about all the symptoms and become self-obsessed and wonder when they are gonna get better and I know its close to impossible not to be, I think that the best way it to be as nice to yourself as possible:

- Good diet including multi-vitimins (omega 3 with ginkgo biloba and st. john's wort are helping me out at the mo too)
- Exersice
- Good Sleep
- Do things you 'enjoy' and things that make you 'happy'
- Laugh
- Focus on the moment
- Concentrate on your senses (what can you hear, see at that time etc.) try to experience life with a positive attitude - see the world as a beautiful place to be.
- Love yourself unconditionally
- Accept everything with positive attitude
- Socialise

This really is a tough step to make but I truley beleive that it is the way - all the answers lie within yourself.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Hi Jimmy, 
I like your list for being psychological...

But do you not think that doing things that make you 'happy' is a poor substitute for feeling your life, crying your tears, knowing what you want, asserting what you think, loving people with passion, running along gasping in the mud and the rain......life's an adventure.

After screaming and shouting that my life wasn't fair as a child, I gave up and forgot about my core emotional self and needs. Does taking a B vitamin make you who you are today? It helps, but it's not the whole hog.

I sort of apologise for being so rrrrrr, I'm milking it for what it is worth.

On that note, I think love is also a passionate thing. I didn't understand that before...when I watched Romeo and Juliet I thought "what is she going on about"...things change.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

<3 to everyone 

I don't think its wrong to tell strangers you love them. And Darren, you are absolutely right about saying "I love you" and feeling good. When you send out love (to ANYTHING or ANYONE), it replenishes itself inside of you.

Just try it. Sit there and send out love to your plant or your dog or your bedroom door, doesn't matter.

I'm very similar in that I often feel stuck in that cycle: Don't feel worthy of being loved, yet feeling that being loved would break that feeling. Well, the only way to break that cycle is to love yourself. You're not alone in having difficulties doing that.


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## jimmyb (May 9, 2007)

I know what your saying Roz but I have been able to enjoy life pretty much to the full and at a time I have loved myself unconditionally so I know where I need to be, in my early 20's I've had the time of my life. Ok I haven't had an easy life but we have to try to be the best we can without bitter about the way we are feeling.

I suffered from anxiety then depression and now this as well it ain't easy but it is partly through subconsious cognative habit that we feel this way. If I've been running I feel great after so somethings do work but we need to keep up a positive and constructive way of life in order to get right again.


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## Soma (Mar 29, 2006)

Jeez - do I have to spell it out?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0BeoRQm ... ed&search=


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Well i admire alot of people on this site but ive never met anyone in person from this site so i can't say i love them. Hell there are probley a grand total of 5 people in this world that i love and trust.


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## 17545 (Feb 14, 2007)

ha.


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Tigersuit said:


> I wouldn't mind meeting you someday, comfortably numb. We're probably closer to each other geographically than anyone else on the board, haha.


 Ya we could probley throw rocks at each other from the distance we are apart lol.

I wouldnt mind meeting you someday too. Ive known alot of people from your area over the years. Some of them where my best friends actually.


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## Guest (May 29, 2007)

*Rozanne*: I'll reply back to your post when I have a clear mind.


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## jimmyb (May 9, 2007)

Darren said:


> *Rozanne*: I'll reply back to your post when I have a clear mind.


Yea exactly...


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## Guest (May 29, 2007)

lol... I don't mean after i've recovered. Or do you mean something else Jimmy? heh.


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Bet I piss you off, and I'm guessing your not real keen on me right now.

BB


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## jimmyb (May 9, 2007)

Darren said:


> lol... I don't mean after i've recovered. Or do you mean something else Jimmy? heh.


Ah right. I thought you wanted to get better first lol.


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## Guest (May 30, 2007)

I don't feel as if that's going to be any time soon =S. My brain fog seems to get better/worse from time to time.



jimmyb said:


> Ah right. I thought you wanted to get better first lol.


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

Don't worry, we all love you Darren.

3098


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## Guest (May 30, 2007)

Cheers "Sweet Heart" :wink: :mrgreen: )))Cuddles(((.xxx


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

jimmyb said:


> Darren said:
> 
> 
> > *Rozanne*: I'll reply back to your post when I have a clear mind.
> ...


Haha....for some reason that never stopped me from posting on this site.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Black Box said:


> Bet I piss you off, and I'm guessing your not real keen on me right now.
> 
> BB


...(sheepishly)...it's good to have you back. 8)

And I love you Cecil. Your time travel story was meaningful to me. And you wrote some really nice things to me at Christmas when I was back at home...and feeling dumbed down by being around my mum. It meant a lot to me at the time. It's not like you call up a friend on Christmas bank holiday and complain about your sense of agency. 8) At least with this site you can throw the ideas out there and if someone is interested you can start conversing at the pace you like....probably why I appreciate you so much!

There's non of the "Oh sorry I was just eating beans on toast...can you call back later".

I make it sounds like a selfish thing. 

I suppose it is hard to say how one cares about someone when you have only ever read things they have written...but you make "soul inferences"....when I read posts, it's almost as if members have "personalities". And you get used to the angles that people look at the world through..am I talking BS...sorry, totally unintentional. I'm waiting in the library for a lift and I'm bored.


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## Guest (May 31, 2007)

Such an in-depth reply... It seems to overwhelm me. Beg your pardon.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Awww love you too Rozanne 

I don't think it matters that all of us here are on different sides of the world - its still a nice little community of support and there's real connections between us.


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Good to be back.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Por que?


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

To converse with everyone of coarse :wink:

BB


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Now you've made me look sarcastic.


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