# How did it start for you?



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

This may be a blatantly obvious thing to say, but I'm nervous.

I'm leaving in about 90 minutes to go to the airport to visit my mother in Florida (I live in Massachusetts). I was at her house the very first time I felt DP/DR, and when it started recurring. It's almost as though just being there brings out my anxiety in a very big way. The last couple of times I have been there, I've been through emotional hell.

This brings me to an old question I've always had -- why did this happen to me? I've always been a pretty anxious person, but never to the point that I had to take medication or go into therapy, until a few years ago. Quite literally, I just woke up one morning and the world just felt different. It was as though I was in a fog, like there was something separating me from the rest of the world. I felt apathetic, like I didn't care about anything. It was as though someone had reached out and plucked me from real life and put me on an observation deck to watch. I spent the greater part of the next six months in misery and fear. I went straight to the doctor as soon as I got home from my visit at Mom's because I knew there was something seriously wrong. I got on medication and started going to a therapist to talk, and in six months I graduated college and was therefore no longer eligible to be on my parents' health insurance, so all treatment stopped. I got through it okay, then the process started up again two years later (one year ago). That was when I discovered that the "fog" was DP/DR. By this time I had my own health insurance, and I went through the process of medication and therapy again. I started to feel better, so I was foolish enough to stop it myself. About a month ago, I started feeling the stirrings of anxiety again. I started on meds and therapy again, and this time I don't plan to quit until the therapists I'm seeing tell me to.

What still bothers me to this day is that I don't know why it happened so suddenly. I just woke up one morning and everything was different. It was so odd that for a while I was convinced I had a brain tumor or something. Of course, other than the anxiety, I've been in perfect health since, so that's obviously not the case. But I've been very nervous about this trip for a while, and now, an hour before I leave for the airport, I'm going mad with anxiety. I'm fidgeting like crazy, I feel a little "out of it," and I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack on the plane. It's like the panic is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was going to wait until about an hour before the flight (it's at 4pm) to take some Ativan, but I felt like it really couldn't wait. Having a drink sometimes helps to relax me (no, I'm not an alcoholic), so I was thinking about ordering a glass of wine or cocktail on the plane.

I guess I'm just kind of venting, and I'm wondering if anyone else had this start so abruptly as I did. I leave for the airport in about an hour, so I don't know that I'll get a response before then, but I'll be checking my email periodically while I'm away. Thanks in advance for listening.


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## 05GTO (Dec 6, 2006)

I won't go into much detail but I am 100% certain as to what caused mine. I was 17 (24 now) when all of the sudden I had an irregular heartbeat. It turns out I went into atrial fibrillation (a common and usually non-life threatening arrhythmia) and had to be hospitalized. I felt ok, just a little scared being in the hospital and all. Then it was like a switch went off in my head the day I was to be released. All of the sudden, I didn't feel like myself and nothing was real anymore. I was in full DP/DR and still am to this day. I didn't even know what it was called until a year ago really. I tried explaining it to doctors for years but they couldn't relate. Now I am seeing a psychiatrist and we are going to try some anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills since the DP/DR has ruined my life and given me GAD and panic attacks. I self-observe so much, always testing to see if I am still in DP/DR. I have not given up hope for a cure (I mean, who wouldn't want their life back right?) but in the very least I want to try to adapt. Anyway, that is the short version of my story.

Edit: I have been on this board for over a year but I forgot my old account so I have been around and basically know the whole DP/DR deal


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

:?


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## Max_Power (Oct 26, 2006)

Abuse and molestation in childhood caused my dp/dr and also aparantly (just discovered this within my last hospital admission over a month ago) DID as well. Joy... multiple personalities AND dp+dr...

But I can relate to having it all appear so suddenly and not knowing why. It wasnt until after alot of therapy (years...) did I figure out why/what was happening. So I think it's a good idea you're sticking with your therapist until he/she (and you too!) thinks you're ready.

Hope the flight went alright. 
-Max Power


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## trance4 (Dec 7, 2006)

shortly after watching the movie "Glitter"


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## greatnavad (Feb 23, 2006)

not sure really,

maybe i was just a timid introvert arse who would start thinking about these things..

Or mayBe it is sort of genetic, something wired up that we cannot escape ...its like a hidden talent you have, it just comes out in a number of ways....


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## Ni Hi Li St. (Jul 1, 2006)

I posted something similar a little while ago, but I guess I can get into more detail right now.

I knew exactly what caused mine. I was to turn 11 in about a month, and one night, I watched one episode of Unsolved Mysteries that completely scared the $#!T out of me. The first obvious after effect was insomnia and anxiety. I was afraid of going to bed and even afraid of daylight for some reason. When that subsided in a couple of days, depression was the next concern, which was something everyone around me took seriously. I believe that the depression lasted a couple of months. After that was gone, I always felt like there was something still missing, and was very hard to explain to everyone else (nytesprite, your description of your perception was dead on with mine).

For a couple of years, I remembered desperately trying to explain the odd feeling I felt, but no one could understand. Eventually, being that I was still a functional individual, I figured that it may not be that great of a concern and I tried to ignore it. 12 years after that first incident, I finally found out that what I was experiencing was DP/DR from my abnormal psychology professor.

Anyway, I really hope that you did well during the flight and after it. I'd really love to see your next post here to be a description of a triumphant victory.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

trance4 said:


> shortly after watching the movie "Glitter"


So it was caused by an awful trauma?


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

for me it started with a bad expierience on pot and then the anxiety and panic escalated cuz i was feeling so weird from the bad trip on pot that about a month later i freaked out got panic attacks, thought i was dying and ever since then i've been stuck in dp/dr hell. i have grown to adapt somewhat as i still have friends and hang out and work and sometimes play basketball but it all doesn't feel right. like i'm like really there. sometimes when i look in the mirror i can't recognise the person staring back at me, its sooooo weird, and it sucks soo much. i just recently got a girlfriend but that doesn't feel real to me she doesn't even seem real to me, i'm not even sure if i can feel nething towards her, i want to, but there's no feelings in my body so how can i tell. i do like her. she's nice and she's a beautiful girl but i can't feel the same things everyone else feels and it sucks. i want to soo bad, but my lack of feelings and emotions in my body are just too much sometimes.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Thanks to all who replied. The flight went well, and my trip has gone okay so far. I've had some anxious moments (right now, there's a pretty low level of anxiety flowing through me all the time), but no real panic. I've been taking the Ativan and Zoloft daily, and that seems to be working well enough. I still get the fear that I'm crazy. I beat myself up all the time, and I know it's not healthy, but I don't know how to stop it.

I think I also suffer from OCD in a way. In any situation, I'll imagine the worst case scenario. If I'm helping my mom make dinner and I pick up a knife to start cutting vegetables, I'll suddenly imagine that I'm going to snap and stab somebody for no reason. Or if I'm with my parents and we're crossing the street, I'll suddenly imagine a car speeding around the corner and hitting us. It's frightening and I wish I knew how to make it stop.

Another thing I've been DPing about a lot lately is my hands. It's almost like they're not mine. I'm a pretty fast typist, so my hands basically just go automatically without me having to think about it, so sometimes (especially when I'm working), I suddenly feel detached from them and it freaks me out. I DP'ed about my hands the last time I had a migraine (about a month ago), so naturally every time this happens I start to freak that I'm going to have a migraine.

Anyway, I just wanted to give an update for anyone who cared to listen. Thanks for the good wishes and the good advice. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy things as best I can.


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## chris51 (Mar 21, 2005)

Growing up in a house that NO ONE showed emotion.


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## gnarlsbarkley (Jun 28, 2006)

i first expierienced DP/DR when i smoked weed i got really anxious i would kill myself because i wasnt in control of what i was doing when i was high but the next day i felt fine, about a month later i smoked it again the same thoughts/feelings started happening but again the next day i was fine. but my gf cheated on me and left me at the time off the 2nd wierd weed experience, i was very dpressed and angry but i didnt have DP/DR until a month after the last this.

i remember i was in school one morning and suddenly i was talking to someone but i couldnt focus on there face i tryed to calm myself by thinking i was tired or something? but on the way home from school i couldnt take anything in i had complete sensory overload and everything felt fake. i thought i was going mad or had a seriuous brain condition i was panicking sweating buckets! i then found this site about a month after because i did sooooo much research into my sypmtoms- i went to the doctors but they didnt understand and just said it was down to stress. i remeber it was the 27th of dec 05 i was standing at the top of a building i was gunna kill myself and the only reason i didnt was because i didnt want to put my family through that shit! (accuse the language)

i NEVER took any meds for my DP cos i dnt think they wud solve anything, i still have DP but its faded from want it was, if im honest life doesnt quite feel the same as it did before DP but it feels a hell of a lot better than it did 14 months ago! its actually v.simple to overcome DP but one of the hardest things ive ever done.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Tonight has not been a good night thus far. I came home from Florida today, and it feels like I've been gone forever. Everything feels so strange, and I feel very panicky. I'm at home, but I've been gone, so it feels odd to be back here. I'm scared that I won't be able to fall back into my old routine, that I'll go back to work and everything will feel so strange that I'll panic. I'm not sure what to do, how to find the strength to get back to "business as usual." Any thoughts?


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## Heartbeats (May 23, 2006)

Can't remember it very well...It seems that all my life I've been living like this, I forgot how it is to feel and see the world like before...But I think it happened gradually, this year...


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## bigpete87 (Nov 9, 2005)

I know I responded to this question before in another thread but oh well. I was 9 years old and I remember it was December and I had a cold. I was at a store(Toys R Us) with my family and walking around. All of sudden, I had this weird feeling, feeling dizzy and lightheaded and I didn't like it, I ask my parents I wasnt feeling good and wanted to go back to the car. Then I started crying and screaming because I didn't know what was going on with me, i was so terrified. As my dad took me back to the car, he asked me what happen and I said "I dont know, it felt like I was dreaming", my dad looked like he didnt know I was talking about. I still dont know what cause this, maybe I had a panic attack because I remember I felt dizzy and lightheaded and got scared. This was my first experienced of DP. _*(For almost 8 years, I thought I was the only one who experienced the dream-like, non-existing feeling until last year October 2005 when I found the word for it, Depersonalization/Derealization, and also a big relief, other people experienced it too.)*_ I had a computer and the internet since 2002 but didn't bother looking it up til Oct. 2005.

Also my DP and panic attacks went off and on through out the years. I still have panic attacks today  I hope I can beat it like before.


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## PAXIS (Aug 12, 2006)

After my first psychedelic experience with LSA (hawiian baby woodrose seeds) - Similar to LSD for those who don't know (no visuals though). The next day it felt like I had litterally had my soul sucked out of me and I remember feeling like I was stuck in a lifeless shell and the world lacked soul too...

Since then I don't know what's been going on, I smoked pot and completely lost touch with reality a few months later and I didn't even stop I did acid shrooms and ecstasy and now I'm probably beyond any form of returning but I try to enjoy what I have, I have been feeling better lately.. MAYBE I don't have brain damage, I'd love to think not (impossible)


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Again, thanks for your replies. It's interesting that so many of people seem to have started experiencing DP/DR after an experience with some kind of drug.

Pete, your first experience sounds so much like mine. It took me a while to find out what I was going through, and for so long (like many others, I think), I thought I was the only one who'd ever experienced this. I found an online forum for mood disorders in general (including depression, anxiety, bipolar, DID, PTSD, etc.) and I asked some of the others if they'd ever felt like they were in a "fog" -- that was the only way I knew how to describe it. Most of them hadn't. Granted, it's still a wonderful support resource, but most of the people there don't have a lot of experience with DP/DR. That's why I'm so glad I found this place.

Things went okay when I went back to work. Everything felt kind of strange, but I tried to take it all in stride and remember that it was just anxiety. The psychiatric nurse I've been seeing had prescribed Ativan and Zoloft. I'm not sure yet if the Zoloft has fully kicked in (I've been on it for about a month now), but the Ativan wasn't doing anything for me. The nurse prescribed Klonopin, although I haven't tried it yet. I had some Xanax left over from a previous anxiety problem, so I started taking that, and it seems to be working fairly well. I wish I'd asked for a Xanax refill instead of the Klonopin, because from what I've heard, Klonopin is pretty strong. I don't want to take anything stronger than I need to. Unfortunately, it's too late -- I don't think my insurance would cover a prescription for Xanax if I've just had one filled for Klonopin. I'm going to try it out this weekend if I end up feeling panicky to see how tired it makes me. Have any of you had good experiences with Klonopin?


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I'm thinking more and more that certain people are just more predisposed to getting anxious about things. Everybody feels inexplicably "weird" now and then, but most people are able to just shrug it off. But for someone with anxiety, it becomes very frightening, which only makes the feeling worse. I think its' interesting that so many DP/DR stories I've heard seem to be drug-induced, although you say that this was happening before that. I'm terribly sorry about your parents -- it sounds like you had a rough time growing up. The DP/DR is probably your brain's subconscious way of trying to "escape" from it.


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## fiorile (Jun 11, 2005)

I was a senior in college, in 1988. I woke up one morning and I felt like my head was floating above me, attached only by a string. I experienced the sensation others have written about--that of viewing life through a camera, for example. I have yet to feel normal again, though the horror at the panic of that initial separation has faded into an everyday mental nausea. (Later, I read Sartre's La Nausee.) I first approached a doctor about it while I was in grad school, who asked me if I had ever taken PCP (I hadn't). What followed for the next 10 years was a string of every antidepressant that ever hit the market, later coupled with atypical antipsychotics. "Depression" was the favorite diagnosis, as I was high functioning (having, by 2002, earned a PhD) and couldn't sleep. I tried the "mindfulness" meditation for a long time too.

Now I'm not taking anything (except for sleep), but I'm in therapy with someone who actually KNOWS what DP is. I'm not sure my personal insight will translate with the revelation that it had for me, but I'll express it anyway, as that's what these forums are about. Just recently, the DP started worsening in response to stress. I realized that it was worse because I was shutting off bad feelings and thoughts I was having when I felt powerless to change the agents that caused them, in and doing so, I felt myself detach. While ruminating is definitely a problem, so is deliberately NOT thinking or processing bad feelings. It's as if it gives them more power than they actually have. Slowly--and it is slow, as I realize this is a reaction that I have almost subconsciously--I'm trying to validate whatever "feeling" as just that: a feeling, not a new reality. If I'm sad--even in that numb, detached way--I'm trying to go with the sadness a bit rather than deny it. And I have found that I can feel a bit, even through the more negative emotions of sorrow and rage. And that's better than not feeling anything.


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## Guest (Dec 20, 2006)

I remember having moments of d/r occasionally during my whole life. I remember saying as a kid "I feel dead" but I never took it seriously, I kind of blew it off and waited for it to wear off. However last year I had a bad experience with pot which really left some kind of mark on my brain, and I've been having worse dr/dp episodes since, usually a few times a week. I think it's because the pot triggered an anxiety attack, and now whenever I feel anxious it triggers d/r or d/p.


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## sciphi (Dec 20, 2006)

I got DP/DR the first time I smoked pot in my life, when I was 19. It has never gone away. I used to post to the alt.drugs internet newsgroups to try and find people with similar symptoms. Eventually I heard the term depersonalization/derealization while perusing the web (originally I thought I had something else called Post-Hallucigenic Perceptual Disorder).

Dexedrine worked a little bit for me, but the amount of speed (and lack of sleep it caused) ended up driving me away from it. It did cheer me up though.

For the past 4 years or so I've been using Klonopin. I started at around .25mg, twice daily. Now I'm up to 2mg, twice daily. Klonopin does an unbelievable job (for me) at taking away my anxieties (especially around crowds), and also helped clear up my thinking a little bit. The main benefit is the anxiety/stress part though. The main side effect is if you take too much is it'll make you pretty tired and make you want to nap (I've found that combining with Excedrin or coffee can counter this effect, if needed). Also, if your system isn't ready for it, and you take too much, it's kind of an intoxicant and you may end up being too brutally honest/open with those around you.

..just my $.01


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## sciphi (Dec 20, 2006)

I forgot to mention I'm now 29 and haven't smoked pot in 10 years. I've always secretly hoped in the back of my brain that it was just the pot still in my system and would eventually go away...


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## Mischa (Aug 23, 2004)

For me this thing started so slowly and "invisibly" that I no way can recall the first time I really had it . It was somewhere in my 13-14 years of age . Then the progress was quite slow too and it took couple years before I realized there is something that other people do not experience . I guess it was a part of my personality which tends to be schizotypal in some ways.


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## exes and owes (Dec 22, 2006)

Being a very anxious/nervous person, I was always hesitant to smoke marijuana. However, despite my previous reluctance, at age 17 I gave in to pressure from my friends. I had been drinking since I was 12 and I became a fan of the feeling alcohol gave me; it made me forget what others thought about me and made me just want to have a good time. However, when I smoked weed, I did not feel so invincible. Instead, I found my anxiety amplified; nervous thoughts rushing through my head, and fear of what others were thinking about me. To my suprise, after talking to my friends, I realized none of them had ever experienced the same feelings that I did when they were high. I smoked a few more times over the next few months thinking I would get used to it and just relax like my friends. Well, that never happened.

After having a really bad high one night, I woke up the next morning feeling weird. I felt like my head was floating, and everything felt hazy and unreal. At first I thought I was just tried, but as the day went on and I realized could not get rid of that weird feeling, I feared that the marijuana I smoked was laced with some other drug. I really didn't know what was going on. I thought I was going crazy and that I was the only one who felt this way. As time went on I felt worse. I found exercise worsened my symptoms and I started to feel like I wasn't actually in my own body at all. I have always had mild depression but I never actually considered suicide until that point. I didn't want to end my life but I felt that if that feeling did not go away, I would have to. The only time I did not feel this suspense of reality was when I was thinking about something else.

I started college in the fall and found it really hard to adjust to college life with the burden of DP on my shoulders. I distanced myself from friends and had a lot of trouble concentrating. My eyes couldn't focus in class, and I was struggling. Fortunately, over time, I noticed a huge decrease in the intensity of my DP. I now find myself only having a mild floating feeling in my head and some out of body experiences. I have no idea how this change happened but I don't really question it, I am so thankful. My only advice would be to try to keep busy and keep your mind off it.

It was only recently that I discovered this website and found out that I wasn't the only one experiencing this and that this phenomenon has a name. I'm sorry that this post is so long I just needed to get that out because I have never told anyone about my DP  . I am considering seeing a psychologist. Has anyone had a similar experience? What kind of feedback have you recieved from doctors? Any other college students trying to cope with DP?

"I can't shake this little feeing." -Brand New


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## exes and owes (Dec 22, 2006)

Being a very anxious/nervous person, I was always hesitant to smoke marijuana. However, despite my previous reluctance, at age 17 I gave in to pressure from my friends. I had been drinking since I was 12 and I became a fan of the feeling alcohol gave me; it made me forget what others thought about me and made me just want to have a good time. However, when I smoked weed, I did not feel so invincible. Instead, I found my anxiety amplified; nervous thoughts rushing through my head, and fear of what others were thinking about me. To my suprise, after talking to my friends, I realized none of them had ever experienced the same feelings that I did when they were high. I smoked a few more times over the next few months thinking I would get used to it and just relax like my friends. Well, that never happened.

After having a really bad high one night, I woke up the next morning feeling weird. I felt like my head was floating, and everything felt hazy and unreal. At first I thought I was just tried, but as the day went on and I realized could not get rid of that weird feeling, I feared that the marijuana I smoked was laced with some other drug. I really didn't know what was going on. I thought I was going crazy and that I was the only one who felt this way. As time went on I felt worse. I found exercise worsened my symptoms and I started to feel like I wasn't actually in my own body at all. I have always had mild depression but I never actually considered suicide until that point. I didn't want to end my life but I felt that if that feeling did not go away, I would have to. The only time I did not feel this suspense of reality was when I was thinking about something else.

I started college in the fall and found it really hard to adjust to college life with the burden of DP on my shoulders. I distanced myself from friends and had a lot of trouble concentrating. My eyes couldn't focus in class, and I was struggling. This feeling went on for months. Fortunately, over time, I noticed a huge decrease in the intensity of my DP. I now find myself only having a mild floating feeling in my head and some out of body experiences. I have no idea how this change happened but I don't really question it, I am so thankful. My only advice would be to try to keep busy and keep your mind off it.

It was only recently that I discovered this website and found out that I wasn't the only one experiencing this and that this phenomenon has a name. I'm sorry that this post is so long I just needed to get that out because I have never told anyone about my DP  . I am considering seeing a psychologist. Has anyone had a similar experience? What kind of feedback have you recieved from doctors? Any other college students trying to cope with DP?

"I can't shake this little feeing." -Brand New


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## Guest (Dec 22, 2006)

exes and owes,
I can relate to you about the pot experience. Ever since a bad reaction to pot about a year ago I get bad dr/dp episodes a few times a week. If you look around on this site there are soo many people who have had this problem after pot.


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## Guest (Dec 22, 2006)

I first noticed it while meeting up with my ex in my local town, I felt dizzy and unsafe to cross the road... maybe it was due to having sex with her? She gave me a STD and I was a virgin... "SNAKES WITH TITS" I'LL TELL YE! *crys*...


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