# 25 years no relief from DP



## sakura74 (Apr 2, 2008)

I found this site while in crisis and looking for answers.

I was formally diagnosed with DP when I was 20 but never treated specifically for it.

I can remember being as young as 8 and having feelings that I wasn't really there. I always thought that it was what was thought of as daydreaming.

As I got older I realized that it only happened to me when I started to feel upset about something. When I had to do something that made me nervous or something that made me feel stressed I started to feel fuzzy and not quite there. I saw stars and my vision got blurry and I felt like my heart would come right out of my chest.

I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they would think me strange.

I won't go through 25 years of history though.

The last year has been a nightmare. I feel like I spend more time not inside myself than I am here and connected to reality. I lose periods of time and entire conversations and have to constantly try to use tricks with myself to jog my own memory.

My stress level has been unbearable and I get more stressed knowing I am going to get to the state where I don't quite know who I am and what I am doing. I drive places I never intended to go. Recently I "woke up" in the middle of a busy intersection in a crowded city. I operated my car and had no memory of doing it and drove into a parked vehicle.

Last weekend I got into trouble with the law. I don't remember most of what happened prior to me getting arrested. I seemed to wake up when I got pulled over and remember what happened in the aftermath.

I also have BPD which I was diagnosed with at 23. I do stupid things and make horrible decisions then stress over the consequences and wind up losing tremendous periods of time because I am not all there. I lose jobs over and over because I feel like I am going mad and I cannot function. I feel like I cannot remember exactly what it is I do for a living or why I do it at all and I get very confused very easily. Then I wake up from it and hate myself for making such a mess of everything but unsure how things got so bad.

I constantly feel like I am losing my mind and I have to keep chasing it. I feel like I have to keep chasing a reality that will never be mine. I feel like a fake and a fraud. I feel that no one believes me. I don't feel like a real person, I feel like a body that doesn't always have a mind attached to it.

I never feel all there anymore. I need relief and I do not know where to turn to get it. I feel that when I explain this to people close to me they just think I am insane or that I will snap out of it eventually. 25 years and this has not happened yet.

I take meds for my BPD but I don't think they help. I take them so I can keep telling myself they are helping but they don't do anything at all to ease my symptoms.

I can stare at the TV set for an hour and not comprehend anything I saw. I can read three chapters in a book and then have to re-read them because I was just flipping pages and not really seeing any of the words.

I tell this to doctors and I think they think I am either making it up or that if they treat something else that it will solve my problems with DP. I know it doesn't happen as much when I am not as stressed as I am now but that doesn't make me feel better. I want to wake up one day and be 100% there all the time. I want to leave the house and remember where it was that I wanted to go.

The agony of this is unbearable. Most of all I just want someone to understand what I am going through and not think I am making it up. Just to know that you are all out there and possibly going through something similar helps a bit.

I saw someone posted here and she said she did not go anywhere without having pen and paper so if she saw something that touched her or that she wanted to remember that she could write it down. I think maybe I need to do that too because I feel I may be losing good memories to this disorder.

I feel even when I am in a relationship that it isn't quite real. That the person is never going to truly love me because he will never be able to understand me. That he will just think I am nuts for telling him the truth about how I feel.

When I am in the car and I get DP I feel like I am fighting the world to try to pull myself back. It may be a song on the radio that is playing that transports me somewhere else but I can still feel the real me in the car trying to get back to where I am. I can hear myself yelling in the distance to come back but it's like it is coming from a million miles away. I wonder if this will make sense to any of you at all.

Thank you for having this forum and for letting me post my thoughts here.


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## power (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi my nameis Dawn and I live in Melbourne Australia.

I really feel for you because I have experienced the same things you talk about but this has been a lifetime thing for me.

I have tried many things to get better and get on with my life but kept falling into this dark hole but no one has been able to cure me. They have touched on many surfaces and I have grown in many ways but still this dark place existed

Until 2 years ago I came across a homeopath and finally after many remedies I feel we have found the core remedy for the core problem.
The remedy is called Hydrogen.

may sound strange but if you know anything about chemistry (which I dont') Hydrogen stands on its on apart from the periodical table.

Which is exaxtly how I felt.

There are web sites to look up on Homeopathic Hydrogen to read and if you relate I suggest you find a constitutional homeopath to help you.

Hope this helps because for the first time in this lifetime I feel together, strong and sane.

Good luck

Love and light

Dawn


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## power (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi my nameis Dawn and I live in Melbourne Australia.

I really feel for you because I have experienced the same things you talk about but this has been a lifetime thing for me.

I have tried many things to get better and get on with my life but kept falling into this dark hole but no one has been able to cure me. They have touched on many surfaces and I have grown in many ways but still this dark place existed

Until 2 years ago I came across a homeopath and finally after many remedies I feel we have found the core remedy for the core problem.
The remedy is called Hydrogen.

may sound strange but if you know anything about chemistry (which I dont') Hydrogen stands on its on apart from the periodical table.

Which is exaxtly how I felt.

There are web sites to look up on Homeopathic Hydrogen to read and if you relate I suggest you find a constitutional homeopath to help you.

Hope this helps because for the first time in this lifetime I feel together, strong and sane.

Good luck

Love and light

Dawn


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