# new here and not feeling anything...



## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this site. Actually, I never knew such a disorder existed but I know the feelings like a pro. I'll give some information about myself. first off I had a very normal childhood. But I always felt sort of sad or like something bad was about to happen to me or I would get obsessive thoughts. One thing I used to think as a small child was I couldn't eat something out of the oven because I was afraid I was eating people. I know weird. I always felt weird. I never had many friends. I was shy and introverted. Then one January right before my 13th birthday, I got sick and was running a high fever. we had a huge snow however, and my parents wasn't able to drive me to the dr so I suffered with the fever. After I got better I noticed how I felt like I wasn't real. Like my world was a dream world and I was detached from my body. I could answer questions perfectly but people looked strange. Their faces were always so crunchy. I know that sounds crazy. I can't believe I just said that but for some reason that is the word that I want to use when describing how people looked. I drove me crazy. I told my parents how I felt and they told me I was just tired. I believed them so I started sleeping more and more. It got so bad. My grades started to fall in school. I felt this way all the time. I would find myself staring at people wondering when the people and the world would come back to me. I was in a constant state of panic. I knew it was real. I just knew the world was fake. I hate strobe lights. I constantly kept begging my mom and dad to help me feel real again. to help me get the world back. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be a person again. My perception of the world was completely strange and foreign. I couldn't tell the difference between glasses of water. When I touched myself it felt like I was touching someone else. Like my body wasn't real or even alive. It was hell and I cried all the time. I explained this to my parents and finally they took me to the doctor. The first doctor told my parents I was mentally ill and I would be in an institution by the time I was 18. This was 28 years ago. I am 41 now. the second dr my parents took me too was a neurologist. He did head scans, EEG's, stress tests, Liver function tests, so many damn tests I thought I was dying.

finally, they admitted me to the hospital. They put me on tegretol 5 times a day and things got a little better for me. they sent me home with a diagnosis of epilepsy. For years I was on this medication and I really did think I had epilepsy. I was depressed a lot but at least my "seizures" wasn't happening as often. They also put me on Migraine medication and said I was photosensitive. So my eye doctor gave had me wear glasses that changed to sunglasses when I was out in the sunlight. I was still feeling disconnected and unreal occasionally, but my doctor said that was the best I could hope for.

I was and still am unable to watch scary movies because for some reason I believe they are real and become obessesed with them. I worry about them and don't sleep which makes my feelings of the world, people, and myself seem worse.

Sleep seems to help. when I start feeling like this that is what I want to do. sleep.

when I was 18 I got married and moved away from home. My husband was in the military so we moved a lot. I hate trying to explain this feeling of being fake. I feel like I am fake, the world is fake and people is fake. like their faces are smudged when I look at them.

After I started having my children things got so much better for me. soon I was going years before having an episode of this feeling. I still believed it was epilepsy, but because this feeling wasn't happening as often I stopped taking my medication. Nothing happened. I realized soon that stress caused these feelings to return. this feeling of being fake. Of my world being fake. I can't look directly at light either.

Now that I am 41 my mother has been diagnosed with alzheimers and I am her caregiver. Unfortunately, these fake feelings have returned with a vengeance. they are worse now than I remember them and now my vision is being affected. Sometimes its like I can see the air around me. other times I can't see anything but its not like blindness. its like there is this sheet of clear paper in front of me. I am unable to read or focus on anything. I am so depressed and recently I started having a bad tremble in my hands. A feeling of nervousness comes over me and I am having difficulty coping with my life and how things are again. It is a constant feeling of unreal but now I describe it as being in degrees of feeling fake. when it is as bad as it can be that is when the sheet is covering my mind and I am unable to see my world or feel my body and it ranges from this to feeling slightly unreal but I am still able to fool people in believing I am normal. I can fake being real. This is Hell. I have started going to a neurologist and I still don't believe he understands what I am going through. I feel so alone like no one in this world is the same as me. Like I am a weirdo and unable to function in this world. I feel like I should go somewhere else to feel normal but I have no idea where this place is. My doctor believes I was misdiagnosed with epilepsy. he is doing some physical tests and so forth to verify that nothing physical is going on but he says my symptoms do not line up with epilepsy which makes me feel even more bizarre and out of wack. I just want to feel better. I just want to be normal again. I want to feel again.

My doctor has put me on an antidepressant called efflexor and gave me propranolol for the tremors which he believes is caused by anxiety. I can't even watch TV or do much of anything when it is really bad which makes me feel worthless.

I am in the process of placing my mom within an nursing home as I am unable to cope with her care and everything else I am going through. I was also diagnosed recently with having tumors within my uterus and I might have to have a hysterectomy.

Thanks for listening.

Laura


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## Onibla (Nov 9, 2010)

Sounds rough. A lot of history too. From what you've described it certainly seems like stress is the biggest trigger, and the thing keeping DP/DR sustained. I totally get the 'sheet' feeling, I had that fairly frequently in the past.

Your description of the history of these symptoms is fairly similar to my mother's history with DP/DR - triggered by stress, on and off over the course of her life, ranging from extremely bad to just mildly unreal depending on the day/week. Interestingly her symptoms were linked to an intolerance of wheat - a non-celiac intolerance, so unfortunately this is impossible to test for. Switching from a wheat based diet to a gluten free one eliminated her DP/DR, depression, and seriously reduced the number of migraines she was experiencing within a month. She is under extreme amounts of stress caring for a very disabled member of our family, but now very rarely gets DP/DR lasting more than a couple of minutes.

I don't know how likely it is that this information will help you, but I figure it may be worth a shot considering the length of time you've had DP/DR.

Other than that, welcome to the forum, check out the recovery stories for tips that members have found useful in controlling the symptoms. I personally got the most success out of using distraction strategies and mindfulness techniques in order to stop myself from obsessing about the fakeness of myself and the world. Remember - you're not weird, the symptoms are most likely part of a fairly common disorder, it's fixable, but it can take a long time of dedication to get better.


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## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

Okay so I think I have this disorder but what do I do now? For years I thought I had epilepsy. Was even treated for it when I was younger. How do you get help? do I just show up at my doctor and say I have DP? I think they will think I am crazy. I feel crazy.

Do I just make an apt with a counselor? psychologist?, psychiatrist? what is the best approach for getting better?


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## anitas (Aug 28, 2018)

Hi Laura.any update? Let us know , i hope you're feeling much better , take care .


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## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

Hello again,

I"m currently in a bad episode of DP/DR that has lasted now for about 3 weeks straight. I am panicked inside. my body feels like it is stuffed. My head feels wrong. reading is near impossible cause I can only see one word at a time and the other words surrounding the words are smudged out. I'm trying. I just want to feel better.


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## anitas (Aug 28, 2018)

I hear you laurany ????it is torture


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## ali3n (Dec 26, 2018)

Laurany152 said:


> Hello again,
> 
> I"m currently in a bad episode of DP/DR that has lasted now for about 3 weeks straight. I am panicked inside. my body feels like it is stuffed. My head feels wrong. reading is near impossible cause I can only see one word at a time and the other words surrounding the words are smudged out. I'm trying. I just want to feel better.


i cant focus on reading either, and i hadnt thought it was because of dp...

have you seen a psychiatrist or a psychologist?
i know it is hard to find someone who has heard of dpdr, it took me a while but i have finally found a dr. who has a book where they mention dp (but still, apart from some symptoms, they know nothing else, but its something)


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## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

ali3n said:


> i cant focus on reading either, and i hadnt thought it was because of dp...
> 
> have you seen a psychiatrist or a psychologist?
> i know it is hard to find someone who has heard of dpdr, it took me a while but i have finally found a dr. who has a book where they mention dp (but still, apart from some symptoms, they know nothing else, but its something)


I have an appointment with a new Psychiatrist in Feb. The Dr. I have now is a Psychologist and an older gentleman and to be honest his wife/secretary causes my anxiety to be worse. plus he doesn't know anything about DP/DR. I tried to stay with him as I've been going to him now for several years but he isn't helping me and I feel like things are just getting worse. My husband suggested I change doctors and he helped me find someone else. He said we will just keep looking until we find someone or something that works for me. I wish I had his strength and optimism. I don't know what I would do without him. He has stuck with me through thick and thin.


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## ali3n (Dec 26, 2018)

Laurany152 said:


> I have an appointment with a new Psychiatrist in Feb. The Dr. I have now is a Psychologist and an older gentleman and to be honest his wife/secretary causes my anxiety to be worse. plus he doesn't know anything about DP/DR. I tried to stay with him as I've been going to him now for several years but he isn't helping me and I feel like things are just getting worse. My husband suggested I change doctors and he helped me find someone else. He said we will just keep looking until we find someone or something that works for me. I wish I had his strength and optimism. I don't know what I would do without him. He has stuck with me through thick and thin.


i think its very important to have someone to rely on, going through this on your own makes things more difficult to bear.
i'm glad you have someone like him by your side


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## Laurany152 (Mar 24, 2014)

Me too ali3n, I'm very thankful to have him. Oh and I was able to get an appointment with my new doctor next week instead of waiting for Feb 28th. I'm hoping they will be able to help me.


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