# New to This -- Trigger Warning



## helbows (Nov 4, 2014)

Hello! My name is Allison, and I'm sixteen years old.

As of October 22nd, 2014, I started experiencing terrible existential depression. I was up just a few hours too late and I thought about my existence. Ironically enough, it was sort of a joke. Like, 'Ha, it's late, time to contemplate my existence -- oh, shit.' It hasn't gone away since then. I've done lots of things, such as...

- Called two hotlines three different times

- Cried a lot

- Had tons of panic attacks

- Consulted strangers on the internet

- Talked to my mother

- Talked to my friends (one of which has also gone through an existential crisis)

- Went to church (I'm agnostic by nature but I felt and still do feel finding religion might help me -- no hate, please)

- Went to the ER (never got in though)

- Bugged my therapist

- Got put on pills (Prozac, 20mg)

My friend said that one day, you just have a moment of clarity and the existential thoughts go away, but I've done some research. And I've come to the conclusion this may be my problem. From exploring the forums, I've noticed that there are other people who go through an existential crisis with their DP/DR. I don't know what causes what, but from what I gather, DP/DR causes it? Or I could be wrong.

Right now, I'm still going through hell. I constantly question why I'm me, why I have to go through life, why time seems to go so quickly all of a sudden, etc. Sometimes, I feel like I'm dreaming. My mind won't leave this state, and for the last few days I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and functioning. It's still hard to do those things. I remember that I used to take things day by day, but now I think in seconds. Each moment passes and becomes the past, and I feel each moment is dragging me closer to death.

When I was little and on occasions still, sometimes I felt things slow down. Like, the voice in my head would just slow down, and I felt a sort of weird, indescribable feeling in my extremities. It was very discombobulating.

I know for a fact that this was not brought on by any trauma. Sometimes I have some sort of weird, vague feeling that I was sexually abused, but I'm really dramatic and honestly, it's probably nothing. I can't remember anything about it if it did happen, so I don't care either way. I'm sort of the person who's super comfortable living in ignorance of bad stuff. I live with my grandma and mother. My dad's sort of a deadbeat and I haven't seen him in years, but I know that he also suffers from mental issues. Mostly depression, according to my mom.

I'm also fairly? intelligent. Not academically, and especially not mathematically, but mentally. I'm not like, gifted or anything, but I'm very good at recognizing what's going on in my mind. I can put a name to my emotions extremely quickly, but sadly, I can't make them go away so quickly. I can only really name them, which is half the battle, I guess.

I feel a bit more hope right now, even though I'm still terrified and going through my crisis. I don't know how long I've had this going on, but now I really feel I have it. I have not been officially diagnosed -- I don't usually support self diagnosis, but with this, it just feels to exact to not be. Or I could be wrong.

To conclude, I feel like I've been having a terrible existential crisis. I do remember who I was before this. I know I was happy at one point, but sometimes it gets foggy trying to remember that. I can't exactly remember not feeling like this. I know that sometimes it feels like I'm living in a movie. I think I have more derealization than I do depersonalization, but I don't know.

If anyone has any words of advice, on how to return to me or at least how to be content with my existence, that would be great. Also, hello to everyone.


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## WILBUR (Aug 9, 2014)

Can't really type up much as im on my phone and its a pain the ass, but try looking into the link below. It talks about recognizing and killing anxious\existential thoughts, and how to deal with them better.

http://ahha.org/articles.asp?Id=100

I used to have existential thoughts really bad, but after teaching my self this ^ I found them much easier to deal with and they eventually went away.


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## helbows (Nov 4, 2014)

Thank you so, so much. This is what bothers me the most. Thank you again!


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

helbows said:


> Thank you so, so much. This is what bothers me the most. Thank you again!


It bothers you the most because it's what's fueling the DP. DP is based off of other mental/emotional problems we might have (and not want lol)


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## helbows (Nov 4, 2014)

That's true. I think I mentioned this already, but I also have GAD and depression. It's super easy for me to fall into an obsessive thought process but hard to crawl out, which is something I imagine everyone who's on this forum can relate to fully. But thanks to being here, I have so much confidence I can recover after reading all the advice given on this forum.


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