# At the end of the rope



## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

Ive suffered through severe anxiety and dp for three years now. Many days have been spent just feeling flustered and panicked every second of social interaction, and struggling with feeling disconnected. I never thought i would be in this state. Before this started i just had social anxiety, harmless really compared to dp. Dp is going down a whole 'nother level. The one thing thats hurt me most is not beig able to be myself around my family. I never would wish dp on anyone else.

Something ive feared and felt is that my family would start to go crazy because i was "crazy." like we would turn into a disfunctional family. This was always a underlying fear when i got dp.

Now it seems to coming true. From so much exposure of my dp'd self somehow my family is getting it to. My dad came home today seeming totally cut off and cold, saying jokes without a smile, like he was in a dark place. He has never been like this before, only slightly when around me..I can tell its dp.. At least, i dont know anything else it could be. He's a completely sane person. He has social anxiety, and he's reserved, but mot with us. He didnt even talk at the dinner table, only said a few words in a weird tone of voice.

Im now realizing, not knowing if im being rational or not, that my family is messed up. Its possible that im picking up on negative feelings from my dad and people too much.. I'm not sure how this could be true, but maybe others can comment.

This is a like going down a turning whirlpool. People say you cant go crazy with dp but i feel like im going crazy and ive only had it for 3 years. This day started out really positive for me yet ended with a really bad note. Everyday i am reminded that my family is not in good shape (to put it lightly) because of me.

I feel so..ashamed, to be so helpless. i feel like a mental case, an extremely depressed person who you would think was crazy, who burdens their family. I don't know if anyone else feels this way.


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## mcalohan (Dec 30, 2011)

Man, you are not alone here. I have massive issues with my family. Fuck em dude. Its hard enough getting through the day for people like us. If they're a drain on you, cut em out. Talk to them less and less, give them less and less information each time you speak. Eventually talk to them when they call for :45 seconds every few months and not a moment more. You cut ties with them completely and they come looking for you.

Stay strong man. Prayer helps. God loves you.


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

I'm 17 so i still live with them. The thing is, I still care for them inside. I wouldnt want to just cut ties with them. But its good to know im not alone. Thanks for the reply.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

It doesn't sound entirely rational. It's nearly impossible to know someone is having dissociation from the outside. Dp is not contageous.


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

kate_edwin said:


> It doesn't sound entirely rational. It's nearly impossible to know someone is having dissociation from the outside. Dp is not contageous.


You're right, its probably not rational.. Its a big step for me to believe that though. I just have a weird social-anxiety related problem with sensing peoples reactions to me. Its probably just blown up to the point where its a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again I feel like I havent been rational in four years, so i dont know how much this is true. Its just a huge crippling fear of mine. I think that because I am so scared of feeling dp around people, i do and the social anxiety kicks in which makes it a circle of panic. When im speaking its like trying to talk during a panic attack, i have a dead stare in my eyes. My body movements feel so robotic, anxious and unnatural. Since dp started ive picked up on how it affects my appearance and with social anxiety been irrationally self-conscious about it.

I dont know..i just feel like people can notice the difference. Ive always wondered why people say they cant recognize themselves in the mirror. For me ive always known its because of the look in my eyes. Its like i can sense my own fear.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

Lostwanderer said:


> Ive suffered through severe anxiety and dp for three years now. Many days have been spent just feeling flustered and panicked every second of social interaction, and struggling with feeling disconnected. I never thought i would be in this state. Before this started i just had social anxiety, harmless really compared to dp. Dp is going down a whole 'nother level. The one thing thats hurt me most is not beig able to be myself around my family. I never would wish dp on anyone else.
> 
> Something ive feared and felt is that my family would start to go crazy because i was "crazy." like we would turn into a disfunctional family. This was always a underlying fear when i got dp.
> 
> ...


I understand what you mean. I try so hard to keep up a positive front up around my family, but sometimes it falters... then I feel that psychological osmosis you're talking about happen... and have to watch them deteriorate in their own unique, painful-to-watch, self-defeating way. Emotionally responsive people pick up on the moods and attitudes of those around them, so it's just natural that your parents would do this... the best we can do is offer them an explanation for why we are the way we are... to make them aware of how they may be unconsciouslly adopting our psychological state, and to snap them out of it. When you do this, you should feel like your slate is clean and no longer feel any guilt for somehow detracting from their happiness.


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

Its good to hear understanding of this. I think its also happening because my parents have low self esteem themselves, as well as anxiety. So they are prone to reacting to negative states of mind.

Ive realized how much I focus on the bad stuff going on instead of focusing on recovery..In this case brooding over how this effects my parents and feeling uttery helpless. Just today started telling myself, "this is dp, just an anxiety symptom, its not permanent. Do not focus in on it as if with a magnifying glass, for that will only empower it." Somehow I broke out of my negative thinking pattern like this. Its a little hard to keep it up but its because ive had this stuff for 4 years.

Right now I am focusing on breaking through my fear. With dp, depression, anxiety it has been as if everything is a nightmare, everythings going wrong and wont go right. Its what has held me back from doing anything about it, from telling my parents about dp, i have just been to afraid to. But I think I will tell them about it once Ive built up enough courage.

Essentially this whole state i put myself in is a result of thinking like a broken record. Dp may be the culprit for this, but if i battle it and challenge thoughts i have maybe i can overcome it.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Good news though, I thought it must be obvious to people, the disconnect, the blankness, but I've talked to people and they don't really think it's all thT visa le to someone who is t a specialist and extremely observant who knows there's something going on. To the general public you probbaly seem mostly normal. (even if you don't feel that wAy) I'm *very* familiar with having thoughts and feelings that aren't acurate to the situation, there might be some workbooks with skills to help if you want the info


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

hmmmm, start looking for answers lost wandered. No need to be complacent.


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## mcalohan (Dec 30, 2011)

I like the shit out of your posts Kate. This forum is a better place with you on it.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Thanks, I need stuff like that.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

kate_edwin for mayor. Serious, I like your no-bullshit posts too Kate.


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

PhoenixDown said:


> hmmmm, start looking for answers lost wandered. No need to be complacent.


Im like the opposite of complacent.. With dp and everything this forum feels unreal, especially since its all through a computer screen.. For some reason it makes me feel like im just talking to myself when i post.. I guess that makes me sound complacent.


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## Lostwanderer (Jan 31, 2011)

kate_edwin said:


> Good news though, I thought it must be obvious to people, the disconnect, the blankness, but I've talked to people and they don't really think it's all thT visa le to someone who is t a specialist and extremely observant who knows there's something going on. To the general public you probbaly seem mostly normal. (even if you don't feel that wAy) I'm *very* familiar with having thoughts and feelings that aren't acurate to the situation, there might be some workbooks with skills to help if you want the info


Good to hear. Having thoughts and feelings not accurate to the situation is huge. Thats my biggest problem, not knowing how true my thoughts and feelings are yet still treating them as if they were true.

Its going to be hard to truely believe no one can notice. My dp is rooted in social anxiety, it makes it 10x worse.

Example of this: I was walking on this path and some guy was talking on his cell phone coming the other way. He seemed really into his conversation. As we come closer I awkwardly look at him (being dp'd) and pass him. I hear him stop talking and loose his train of thought. I immediately believe it was me who did this.


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