# Doubting my memories (TW: Sexual assault)



## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

Hello, everyone. It's been a while. I didn't know which forum to post this on, so I guess I'll post it here since this is probably the one closest to what I'm having.

I've been having doubts about a particular memory where I was "grabbed" in the chest by a kid from my school on the playground. Everything felt like a blur and what's bothering me is that I don't even know or remember if he actually touched me because it all happened so fast. One thing I do remember is that I saw a few girls several yards away from me that turned to each other and started laughing and I ran away. I let the school know what he did and a counselor talked to him, but I never knew if he admitted to doing it or not and the counselor didn't tell me (which I guess makes sense because laws and everything, but still). Because I don't know if he owned up to doing it or not, I don't know if he got properly punished for it or if he got a slap on the wrist. However, I did not see him for a while after that, but it still bugs me because I don't know what really happened when the school had to step in.

I don't have any body memories or anything. But as much as it would be horrible to have them, it would at least show me that it really did happen. I wish my memory wasn't so muddled from DPDR and from my young age. I also wish that I knew what he said when he was being questioned. Wanted to put this here because I want to know if anyone has experienced something like this with their memories. I just want to know if this really happened and if I got this kid in trouble for something he did/didn't do. I keep remembering this when my mind wanders and I can't take it because it ruins my mood completely when I think about it.


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## AnnaGiulia (Feb 4, 2020)

@dissoziation,

I have been diagnosed, besides DPDR, with dissociative amnesia. I do not imply that you have it, but just state that it is in some cases related to DPDR. In my case, its roots are in childhood abuse that I suffered until the age of 10. However, my dissociative amnesia did not cover only pre-10 period, but it systematically covered every subsequent event in my teen and adult years, that had any potential - as a trigger - to expose the content previously covered by amnesia. The strange thing about amnesia is that one can have amnesia of amnesia, and that is something that I have - it is as if there is an eraser in my head for a particular, traumatic content. I managed to keep it away from myself for decades, completely unaware that the scope of how much of my life I actually don't remember cannot be explained by normal forgetfulness.

Par example, there are some hugely important moments in my life, that I remember to be very, very significant to me personally, but I cannot recall a single word spoken on that particular occasion. And no matter how hard I try to replay that memory, that I am aware of, I constantly hear the words spoken as through water, blurred and distorted, and I cannot make sense of it. And it does irritate me enormously, as I feel I cannot rely on my memory and my mind, and I always thought that is pretty much the only thing I can rely on.

From your post, I would say that what you are describing did happen, because I doubt that you would have involved the school if it didn't. My experience with both DPDR and Dissociative amnesia is that if I acted upon something immediately, then that is a proof that it happened. Also, since this thing seems to bother you still, it obviously had some significance to you, and I sincerely doubt that you could have fabricated that feeling.

I do not know whether this is helpful at all, and also the thread is a bit older, but anyway, if you read it, take care...

A.


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

AnnaGiulia said:


> @dissoziation,
> 
> I have been diagnosed, besides DPDR, with dissociative amnesia. I do not imply that you have it, but just state that it is in some cases related to DPDR. In my case, its roots are in childhood abuse that I suffered until the age of 10. However, my dissociative amnesia did not cover only pre-10 period, but it systematically covered every subsequent event in my teen and adult years, that had any potential - as a trigger - to expose the content previously covered by amnesia. The strange thing about amnesia is that one can have amnesia of amnesia, and that is something that I have - it is as if there is an eraser in my head for a particular, traumatic content. I managed to keep it away from myself for decades, completely unaware that the scope of how much of my life I actually don't remember cannot be explained by normal forgetfulness.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for having such a late response to this, but thank you so much for your insight. My relationship with this memory is still foggy, but it makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone with this.


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