# Give up all hope - it could be the best thing you ever do



## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

In Tibetan they have a saying _ye tang che_ which describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up any notion of things improving or being any different for you. In Tibet they say that when you reach this state it is a most important state and they say it is the beginning of the beginning. When you have hope you have the idea that there is somewhere else you should be, that you should be better than you are, but while this remains you can never relax with where you are and who you are.

"The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there is some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.

Nontheism is finally realizing that there is no babysitter that you can count on. You just get a good one and then he or she is gone. Nontheism is realizing that its not just babysitters that come and go but the whole of life is like that . This is the truth and the truth is inconvenient. We're all addicted to hope - hope that doubt and misery will go away. This addiction has a painful effect on society: a society based on lots of people addicted to trying to get ground under their feet is not a very compassionate place.

The first noble truth of the Buddha is that when we feel suffering it doesn't mean that something is wrong. Suffering is part of life and we dont need to think that it is happening because we personally made the wrong move. But in reality nearly everybody thinks something is wrong when they suffer and as long as we are addicted to hope we feel that we can tone our experience down or liven it up or change it somehow, and the result of this is that we continue to suffer a lot."

- Pema Chodron 'When things fall apart, heart advice for difficult times'

Wherever you get fear you get hope which is why in Tibetan they have the word _re-dok_ which is a combination of hope and fear because as long as there is one there is always the other. This _re-dok_ is what is at the root of all our pain and suffering. Hope and fear are two sides of one coin. By giving up hope you can finally look your fear and suffering straight in the eye and look directly at who you are without trying to avoid anything or change anything, we can drop the fundamental hope that there is a better me that will one day emerge.

This is why the Buddhist path is the true warrior path, forget martial arts or being a soldier, it takes far more courage to face up to your own suffering and face up to change, uncertainty and groundlessness which is the fundamental reality.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

> it takes far more courage to face up to your own suffering and face up to change, uncertainty and groundlessness which is the fundamental reality


Indeed it does.

I have a friend who is a Taoist (has even set up his own website dedicated to the explainations and teachings of the Tao Way). A lot of what you have said here is similar and I found some of it much like the way I have come to think about a lot in life...I found it helpful both during and since my dp etc in letting go a lot of the fear and guilt I felt and it helped me accept both my attributes and my faults...made me understand that I do not need to eliminate all of my "bad" traits but work torward finding a balance. Recognise my mistakes, accept them and learn from them...not hate myself for making them.

I haven't adopted buddhism or taoism or any other belief system or claim to follow or know much about them but I do find I can relate rather well to some of the beliefs and have found them a great help to me personally in rebuilding a stronger, more balanced self.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Hi Epiphany. I havent adopted any Buddhist belief system either but a lot of the understanding I have got from Buddhism has helped me a lot and I think there is a lot of very deep psychological wisdom in its teachings, in fact many people dont regard the Buddha as a religious figure at all but instead think of him as the greatest psychologist that ever lived. There was a period when I was quite serious about it but now I realise that it is counter productive to take it overly serious. I am interested in your friends website though if you know the address as I find Taoism interesting.

I thought people might think that I was encouraging people to commit suicide by saying that they should give up hope of being any different but that is not my aim at all, all I want is for people to think about is how they react when they encounter a negative emotion or feeling about themselves, I know from my personal experience that if I am feeling like the most awful person on the planet i wont simply admit to myself that I feel really bad and low about myself, I will go and switch on the tv or go and surf the internet or eat to distract myself. I have found that since I have started to admitt how god awful I feel about myself and my life sometimes and accept that there is absolutely nothing i can do to change it then those periods pass more quickly and less frequently. My interference in trying to change how I felt just made things much worse I had to let things just happen and gain acceptance of how things are.

I think the result of doing things this way makes you more emotionally honest and like you say helps you build a more healthy balanced self.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

I can relate to this idea.

For me it manifests in a similar way to you Pablo - if I feel down or bad about myself I try not to admit it and instead find some distraction to take my mind off of the problem. I think this is similar for most people.

The last years I've been working on this and I think it has a lot to do with the idea of wanting to be rescued. If we feel down and out we tend to want someone or something external to us to come along and pull us out, to change our situation. But this does not empower us and only leads us into a rut.

I think how the OP relates to me is realising that ultimately I am responsible for everything that has happened to me, is happening to me and will happen to me. More over that I always had ultimate freedom and control over that.

Instead of looking for a way *out*, I now try to look for a way *through*. But the key to being able to do this is learning acceptance. Basically anything that exists is valid, including your predicament and all of your choices leading up to it. There is no guilt, shame or blame, it just IS.

If you take a loving and accepting attitude to all of these things (which I think is similar to what they meant by abandoning hope in the OP) then there really is nothing to fear. You can feel free to make any choices you want without fear because ultimately every experience is just another opportunity to learn and grow, rather than every experience holding the potential to be hurt and stagnate.

If you can accept that things are as they are, right here and now, then you can empower yourself to make whatever changes you want. You can empower yourself to be able to make valid choices rather than reacting to your hopes and fears.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Pablo...I will send you a pm with my friends website. It is a constant work in progress but an enjoyable read.

Cecil & Pablo...I agree and relate to everything you have both said here. I also used to search for a distraction or wish for someone/something to rescue me when I felt bad about myself or disappointed in my actions. It didn't help...just made me feel even worse about the kind of person I was.



> Instead of looking for a way out, I now try to look for a way through. But the key to being able to do this is learning acceptance. Basically anything that exists is valid, including your predicament and all of your choices leading up to it. There is no guilt, shame or blame, it just IS.


Since being pregnant I have read up a little about pain management and can liken one of the natural methods of dealing with physical pain to what you have said here Cecil.

You know the pain is there...you can feel it and it hurts...instead of wishing it to go away and getting upset about the fact that you have it, just acknowledge it, accept it, let it intensify and let it subside. Don't fight it......don't fear it...don't hate it...don't hate yourself for not coping with it...just let it come and then let it go. 
I can now put that same ethos into play with my psychological pain as well. Pain and suffering are all part of the way things are...if you have caused it yourself then don't hate yourself for it...it achieves nothing but anxiety and guilt...accept it, learn from it and move on.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Congratulations on your pregnancy Epiphany, it sounds like you'll do just fine with that attitude


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Thanks Cecil...

3 days after I wrote that reply...my bub made a early entrance into the world.

My whole outlook on how I was going to deal with the pain kind of went out the window as the birth didn't go according to my plan so I spent a little while feeling bad that I didn't handle it as I should have, but have since remembered that feeling guilty or being angry at myself achieves nothing but misery for me, so have since changed my attitude.

So many things in life don't go according to plan...sometimes we just have to learn to ride with it instead of swimming against the tide.


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## IMSojourner (Nov 4, 2006)

Well, congratulations Epiphany!!!

Best wishes,

Soj


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Thanks Soj...

And so begins a whole new journey!!!


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Congrats!!!!

This is your first?

You'll experience the worst and best times in your life dueing the next few weeks. Hope your baby is settled.

Boy or girl?

If you need some advice I maybe able to help.

If your trying to breast feed, don't get discouraged, it takes a few weeks before it all settles in place. All women have the same problem.

Cheers,

Milan


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Thanks Milan...

Yep...number 1 bub. I am very lucky as she is such a great baby so far. Only the first night home she was unsettled and since then seems to have fit right in with minimal fuss.

I am always up for advice...how many kids do you have? I remember you announcing a new bub a while back...how long ago was that now?

Yeah...I found the first week of breastfeeding absolute torture. It really rocks your confidence when you just can't get it right, especially when it is all supposed to be such a natural process...you feel like the worst mother in the world...but I just kept telling myself to perservere and I seem to be getting it together nicely now. You sound like you understand the difficulties very well so I am guessing you have supported your wife through it a few times (I'm gonna take a stab and guess you have 3 kids???).

Thanks again and if you have any tips and advice for me that you wished you had known with your first then please pm me...it's an amazing learning curve but I'll take all the advice I can get.


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

2 kids actually. A 6yo boy and the little bub girl who just turned 7 months.

She had bad colic and cried most of time. That went on for about three months. It was torture with my insomnia and DP. I remember getting up at 1am (wife just too exhausted) and then trying to settle her for the next five hours - then off to work. After a full day of work you'd get home and start the second shift. Wasn't a pleasant time. And then you get a guy at work who had a bub at the same time and his boy slept through the night from birth.

After the colic subsided it was bliss! She is a really happy and settled little girl. And yes - daddies little girl. Love those two too death! Best time of your life. Enjoy and take many photos as they change quick.....and I mean quick. She grew 7cm in the first three weeks and put on about 1/2kg.

Breast feed for as long as you can - nothing compares to breast milk. Unfortunately my wife got an over active thyroid and had to stop after 3 1/2 months needless to say she got very depressed over it. It's beautiful watching babies suckling.....so natural.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Sorry a bit late on this one but congratulations Epiphany it must be amazing having your first child.

Take care
Pablo


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