# Smoking myself into oblivion



## Nasser (Mar 1, 2015)

Hey there Dpselfhelp! This is my first post, and I'm glad that I can finally share my feelings with people that get me, and been through the same if not worse than what I am experiencing. Around 5 months ago, I realized that what I am experiencing is dp/dr, and had most likely gotten this through my undisciplined weed smoking habits. I started smoking around a year ago, when I moved to California for college. I had never previously been involved with drugs and alcohol, and was an athlete that took my fitness very seriously. I spent 18 years of my life living in my hometown of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, before starting college in the US.

I spent my first year in the US living the same lifestyle I had been living for all of my life, healthy and drug free. I met a couple of friends during my 3rd semester in college that happened to smoke weed, and being the showoff that I am, I decided to give in to their peer pressure one day, and attempt to outsmoke them. Of course, I failed, but enjoyed the experience enough to get myself a medical marijuana ID. Within a couple of month's time I became the biggest stoner of them all, not feeling satisfied without having my minimum 2 grams a day. I eventually noticed some withdrawal symptoms when I decided to take a tolerance break, the symptoms lasted for about a week. The symptoms included, loss of appetite, depression, severe anxiety, fatigue, and insomnia. Regardless, I did return to weed after that week, and only stopped a month later, because I had to visit my parents for summer. I noticed some dp after stopping, but didn't know what in the world I was experiencing. I decided not to look into it, which was possible since the dp was mild. I eventually stopped feeling it just before the end of summer.

When I got back to California, I went back to smoking as much as I did, and of course I had been drinking as well as smoking all this time as well. This carefree lifestyle soon got the better of me, and I was back to dp, except it was intensified to what felt like a thousand times. Since realizing that I felt like I was back in this dream state again, I finally understood that I am experiencing depersonalization/derealization disorder. I found out about my condition 5 months ago, and have since seen 3 therapists, and decided to drop my 5th semester to get rid of any external stressors. I have taken several steps to get rid of this dp, but one thing I have not, and struggle to do is getting rid of my weed habits. After noticing that I have dp 5 months ago, I still spent the first 3 months smoking, and after managing to stop smoking weed for a bit longer than a month, I have recently returned to the same old smoking habits 2 weeks ago. I feel like I am now so used to dp, that I forgot what it feels like to not have it.


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## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

Welcome to the site, I'm sorry to see that this post has gone unnoticed for a full day now. We apologize for that and wholly welcome you to the forums!

Have you considered any outside sources to help you with your marijuana problem? If you're struggling this much with letting go, maybe there are some places you could go to rehabilitate yourself from the marijuana. Seems like, if you could do that, you might find that recovery is less confusing and even easier. That's just my opinion, however, but has it ever crossed your mind?


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## meltdowner (Jan 14, 2015)

Do you still enjoy smoking weed though?


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## Nasser (Mar 1, 2015)

SolomonOrlando said:


> Welcome to the site, I'm sorry to see that this post has gone unnoticed for a full day now. We apologize for that and wholly welcome you to the forums!
> 
> Have you considered any outside sources to help you with your marijuana problem? If you're struggling this much with letting go, maybe there are some places you could go to rehabilitate yourself from the marijuana. Seems like, if you could do that, you might find that recovery is less confusing and even easier. That's just my opinion, however, but has it ever crossed your mind?


I have considered joining a rehab center, except there are a few complications. First of all, I'm currently in Saudi Arabia, where such facilities do not exist. Secondly, I do not want to join a rehab center until I am 100% certain I am ready to quit, and that's the hard part. After living for around a month weed free, life kinda felt boring, like something was missing, and I was just counting the days until I wind up back to my smoking habits. The problem is, I am not sure how a rehab center could succeed in making me feel good about myself and about life without the weed, and I don't want to spend the money unless I'm certain that I'm going to give up smoking for good.



sweaty said:


> Do you still enjoy smoking weed though?


While I'm smoking and getting high with friends, yes. A couple of hours later though, I get some anxiety, and higher levels of dp. So, the experience isn't as good, but I still manage to convince myself that it's worth it just to get a little high.


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