# for me suicide is the only cure



## birdiehead (Apr 19, 2010)

whatever part of the brain processes emotion in me is completely dead. it actually died over a year ago when i was in a mental hospital where i was diagnosed with severe dpd only. i have no emotions anymore. completely. i have no emotional connection to my body or the world. i actually forgot how to be a human being if that makes since. i'm not part of the human condition anymore. now i have the most extreme body pains as well. i can take 6 klonopin and get no relief. there is no pill that will create emotion. no medication has any effect on me anymore. i'm brain dead. severely dissociated to the farthest extent. i'm not saying my pain is worse than anyone elses but i do believe my case has absolute no treatment because i've tried everything. lobotomy or suicide or eternal hell until a natural death are my only options. also i'm afraid of death because i know there is nothing after this world.

is anyone here this fucked up? suicide is very hard to accomplish. i'm afraid i'll fuck up the attempt. also even though i am brain dead i have a conscious. if i off myself it's gonna kill my family emotionally and some of my friends.

i know i wouldn't be the first person on this site to kill themselves and probably not the last. i can't fight a battle that will never be won anymore.

i made poor life decisions as a kid on accident and now i'm paying the price. also i feel like i can't live with myself even having dpd. it's a discusting illness. no empathy no emotions? that's the reason to live then.

it's just too little to late on my part


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

well if you were brain dead you wouldn't be able to think about these things or type them out.

what you describe sounds like what i've been through, you have a dissociative disorder. there are therapies and treatments.

i wouldn't expect klonopin to give you pain relief, sometimes it can help with muscle tension, but it's not a pain pill

your emotion centers arent dead, they're just dormant.

you say you've tried every treatment. i've been on over 2 dozen medications. medications and therapies can take moths or years to work, have you given each treatment method you've tried that long to let it work? you may have given up on some before they could become effective

i'd suggest having some talks with your dr's and therapists. and getting into some mindfuless

there may be possibilities of getting into one of the simeon studies in new york, i almost went, but ......personal reasons.

if you've only been fighting this for a year i'd suggest hanging on some more. you're not a hopeless case.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

You do have emotions, you're just not in touch with them.

As Kate said, please try Mindfulness. It's pretty amazing, and helped me a lot with getting over DP.


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## birdiehead (Apr 19, 2010)

kate_edwin said:


> well if you were brain dead you wouldn't be able to think about these things or type them out.
> 
> what you describe sounds like what i've been through, you have a dissociative disorder. there are therapies and treatments.
> 
> ...


this started when i was 17. i'm now 35. so more than half my life. i experienced ego death or whatever you wanna call it when i was 17. but i only became completely dead a year ago. up until then i still had emotions even if they weren't much. i was on anafranil and luvox for 17 years and it worked!!!! now nothing works. sometimes i don't sleep for 5 or 6 days because i won't shut off. i can't even concentrate to take a shower or shit. it feels like complete madness 24/7.

there are cases that don't respond to any treatment. i met elena bezzabova. she said no medication would help me. the problems are too deep rooted. i tried simion and couldn't get in. when i say i've tried everything, i've tried everything!!! i'm not even a candidate for tms or ect.


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## cris24333 (Oct 30, 2010)

birdiehead said:


> this started when i was 17. i'm now 35. so more than half my life. i experienced ego death or whatever you wanna call it when i was 17. but i only became completely dead a year ago. up until then i still had emotions even if they weren't much. i was on anafranil and luvox for 17 years and it worked!!!! now nothing works. sometimes i don't sleep for 5 or 6 days because i won't shut off. i can't even concentrate to take a shower or shit. it feels like complete madness 24/7.
> 
> there are cases that don't respond to any treatment. i met elena bezzabova. she said no medication would help me. the problems are too deep rooted. i tried simion and couldn't get in. when i say i've tried everything, i've tried everything!!! i'm not even a candidate for tms or ect.


 i was hopeless too 10 months ago but i said if this is how im gonna be for the rest of my life oh well.i felt like i was crazy and became depersonalized too far and that there was no way i was ever gonna come back to normal. i started recovering about 8 months ago and its almost completely gone. you should sleep atleast 10 hours a day. i feel less dped after a good sleep.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

I know you feel bad right now but I personally don't think suicide is the solution to any problem. If you end your life your taking other people down with you. I know we have a crap condition but by you ending your life your now creating problems for much more people then just yourself, like everyone in your family.

Even though we all have the same condition everyone here is different from each other and I do believe that there IS something out there that will help you.

Please don't do anything stupid to yourself.

I wish the best for you buddy

- Jayden


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

birdiehead said:


> this started when i was 17. i'm now 35. so more than half my life. i experienced ego death or whatever you wanna call it when i was 17. but i only became completely dead a year ago. up until then i still had emotions even if they weren't much. i was on anafranil and luvox for 17 years and it worked!!!! now nothing works. sometimes i don't sleep for 5 or 6 days because i won't shut off. i can't even concentrate to take a shower or shit. it feels like complete madness 24/7.
> 
> there are cases that don't respond to any treatment. i met elena bezzabova. she said no medication would help me. the problems are too deep rooted. i tried simion and couldn't get in. when i say i've tried everything, i've tried everything!!! i'm not even a candidate for tms or ect.


I got DP when I was 8 and recovered when I was 28. So it's possible to recover with long-term DP. I didn't even know I had DP until I was in recovery. 
I recovered in about 6 months, when I finally 'got' it. 
Please don't give up!

Have you tried 5htp? Most medications made me worse, but 5htp has helped me a lot.


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## birdiehead (Apr 19, 2010)

violetgirl said:


> I got DP when I was 8 and recovered when I was 28. So it's possible to recover with long-term DP. I didn't even know I had DP until I was in recovery.
> I recovered in about 6 months, when I finally 'got' it.


how did you recover?


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## Guest (Aug 22, 2011)

don't commit suicide. that's the way of the cowards.

I was in a terrible state before. It only took willpower to get out, and that also means it only took not taking responsibility for myself to get into DP. It's very hard to accept it in that state when you feel like you lost yourself and your whole world just could not be a tiny bit more fucked up, but it's the truth. And it's good news. You can get out of it.

I used to be so bad that drinking a glass of beer (trying to "cure" myself) was enough to get into a panic attack next morning. last saturday I was partying hard, drank at least 10 beers, and I was laughing next morning. I got up, little headache, no panic, no "DP", no anxiety.

Take control, or be a victim.

don't ever believe people who tell you you need to take meds to "cure" yourself.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

birdie, have you tried an inpatient trauma program?


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

birdiehead said:


> how did you recover?


Just PM'd you with info.

Please hold on. There are things that can help you!


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## Quarter Pounder (Jun 17, 2011)

Hey birdiehead, I'm in the same situation that you are. I experienced an "ego-death" two years ago. During the last year I was anxious and fearful all the time, but this year I have become completely numb. Not even fear or useful anxiety (the one that makes you worry about an exam or shit like that). *Nothing at all.* But for me it's not that bad, I can sleep perfectly and live a normal life like any other person but a really fucking boring one. It's like there's no real reason to wake up every morning, hang out with friends or even go on vacations... I mean, what's the point if I ain't gonna feel any of it? And the lack of emotions also make me "see" everything 2D and all the other normal symptoms of DPD.

But I have come to a conclusion. The "ego-death" itself wasn't that bad for me. It was a horrible experience, yes. But I could have easily got over it in a few days. But some part of my deeper, subconscious brain got scared shitless and started this "defense mechanism". This defense mechanism -gone wrong- is supposed to numb me of every emotion. So, what it comes down to is that some part of my brain is intentionally fully numbing me of emotions. And this, -in a more scientific manner- is what neurologist have come up with:



> Such findings are in line with a model which suggests that the condition is generated by an anxiety-triggered, 'hard-wired' inhibitory response to threat. Such a mechanism would ensure the preservation of adaptive behavior, during situations normally associated with overwhelming and potentially disorganizing anxiety. In DPD, such a response would become chronic and dysfunctional.


So the solution it's not drugs because they would only try to counteract what some part of the brain is intentionally doing, and that's pretty inefficient, isn't it?

It's not normal therapy either, because for you -your conscious being, or the most sophisticated layer in your brain- that traumatic event wasn't that bad. You might even have forgotten about it.

I believe that the solution is to make that deeper, core, less sophisticated part of your brain, that has entered into an infinite loop of fear, make it understand that the original "danger" is long gone. Now, how to accomplish this is the real question...


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## Skynet (Jan 21, 2005)

People have been spontaneously cured of DP overnight... even after having it 20 or 30 years. I've had it for 24 years. I'm never giving up. I got better once before by meditatiing for a half an hour. So I know it's possible to get better and get better FAST! You just need to calm your brain down. I'm not going anywhere. Hopefully you won't either. Tomorrow could be the day it all gets better.


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## baking_pineapple (Apr 27, 2011)

You're not alone. I don't know what to say to help you, but I will share with you some of what I suffer. I don't know what's happened to us, but it is awful and I'm sorry you are stuck on this silly journey with me. I don't know if this will help but this is how I've felt it at various times in the past:

"There was too much pain to accept, after experiencing pain for so long you shut down, you stop feeling&#8230; my life is stuck in an emotional grayscale&#8230; it's like being wounded in the midst of a warzone, you have no time to stop and let the wound heal because you're still under enemy fire, so you fashion a turnicate, cut off blood supply so you can keep fighting, albeit without an arm&#8230; that's who I am, a wounded soldier in need of reprieve&#8230; I just can't find safety, it's like everywhere I turn there is another enemy that needs to be evaded, another reason why I can't let myself heal the wounds I've already sustained&#8230;"

"I've dissociated from emotionally relating to other people&#8230; I can relate at an intellectual level but I have no affect, no emotion&#8230; an inability to communicate on an emotional wavelength, a sharing of perspectives can occur but they're non-emotional&#8230;. What have I been deprived of? Hmmm&#8230; let's see: emotional freedom, a certain willingness and ability to play with the emotions of other people, to disarm their psychological defenses long enough for me to attain intimacy, relational ease&#8230;. Where did this go??? I don't know anymore&#8230; but I'm pretty sure I've died and now I'm stuck in purgatory&#8230; someone once asked me if I can't see other people. They were right, I can't. I don't where anyone else is in relation to me&#8230; I am one of the emotionally blind."

"I go through my life as if it is little more than a distant appearance within a semi-conscious oblivion&#8230;.. there is something of nothing down here which I have found and keep returning to, it's like finding gold, finding peace, finding a readymade perspective to adopt towards the world&#8230; But it doesn't help me in discovering how to be&#8230; I'm scared, confused, I'm lost, numb towards everything&#8230; undaunted, brusque, and even emotionally cold&#8230; it's because I've had the experience of being stripped away of emotions, of attachments, of desires, of all the warm and fuzzies in life, all the intuitive social knowhows, all the comfortable interactions with an intimate other&#8230;. I know where my redemption lies. These deepest parts of my soul can only be accessed in relationships&#8230; "

"Anytime I speak and try to interject something I deem appropriate for the occasion, I recognize that I am taking a risk, that I am not sure of my ability to successfully speak my mind &#8230; that is, I feel the risk, the fear of failure&#8230; more than anything I fear not being understood, of being ignored, rebuked, embarrassed&#8230;. I fear that once I speak and begin to extend myself into the social environment I will cease to be who I know myself to be, a very effective, intelligent, and capable human being, one who is possessed of a tremendous degree of potential for joy, love, and all-around bonhomie&#8230; I know deep down I am one of those cheerful souls looking to pass an inviting, playful glance upon whatever stranger passes his way, gazing with the innocence of a child's eyes at this lovable person, beckoning her to play and be with me, to go through life with an insatiable curiosity, taking joy in the most basic fruits of living. Yes, I know that what I have in my imagination is greater than anything I ever could possess in reality, and it is this contrast that is most tormenting..."

"We exist only in relation to our audience. Everything people say is directed by a background awareness of the person they're speaking to&#8230; Maybe it would be good for us to discover who it is we are unconsciously directing ourselves towards&#8230; Maybe we our spending all our time justifying ourselves to an audience that is naturally opposed to who we are, that rejects us, that is telling us that what we feel cannot be felt. And since we do not know that we've been secretly carrying this subjective, hostile audience around inside of us, we mistake it for the objective mirror of reality itself."

Redemption is possible. I'm sure of it.


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## Jayden (Feb 9, 2011)

Lowrey said:


> don't commit suicide. that's the way of the cowards.
> 
> I was in a terrible state before. It only took willpower to get out, and that also means it only took not taking responsibility for myself to get into DP. It's very hard to accept it in that state when you feel like you lost yourself and your whole world just could not be a tiny bit more fucked up, but it's the truth. And it's good news. You can get out of it.
> 
> ...


Man I am glad I read this. I have been kind of feeling down and this made me feel better. Great post Lowrey!

- Jayden


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## Guest (Aug 23, 2011)

guys just keep on inspiring yourself because the biggest obstacle to get out of that hell is not a chemical imbalance, not the constant flight or flight mode, not the fact that you're not really sure what's happening to you, the biggest obstacle is the feeling that you're not even sure you want to recover, because of the fake world-view DP gives you. once you get your head straight *DP becomes nothing more than a physical sensation*, and that's when you're in a position to beat it.

never ever even think about giving up.

every day, try something new, something you haven't tried before. constant hard work never goes unrewarded.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

I would say that you should continue fighting as a testament to your own resilience. There have been many battles fought that have been undertaken with the knowledge that loss was inevitable - but there is glory to be won in the spirit of fighting. That being said, you are already clearly a fighter for dealing with this for so long. I think you entertain whatever potential future you may have. Technology and medicine are rapidly advancing. Maybe there are still venues you haven't exhausted. Maybe it'll be 5 more years, maybe 10.. but you have a shot at reaching an existence that is worth living - even though it may seem unrealistic presently. I am also suicidal, but I am in no rush to do it. There is no justice in this condition, we just have to suffer for survival.


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## birdiehead (Apr 19, 2010)

i've read all your posts and i appreciate your words of support. but i can't fight a battle anymore that i can never win. i've already been pretty much disowned by my family and can't even work anymore. i must be a super severe case or something. i can't even complete thoughts in my head or accomplish simple tasks like washing the dishes because my thinking is so off. i don't wanna die but i can't live like this. it's pure torture in every way. i probably have something else wrong with me. i don't even know anymore.


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## cris24333 (Oct 30, 2010)

birdiehead said:


> i've read all your posts and i appreciate your words of support. but i can't fight a battle anymore that i can never win. i've already been pretty much disowned by my family and can't even work anymore. i must be a super severe case or something. i can't even complete thoughts in my head or accomplish simple tasks like washing the dishes because my thinking is so off. i don't wanna die but i can't live like this. it's pure torture in every way. i probably have something else wrong with me. i don't even know anymore.


when i had it really bad i literally didnt know how to think. dont give up


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## birdiehead (Apr 19, 2010)

CAN SOMEONE DELETE THIS WHOLE POST? I DON'T "FEEL" RIGHT ABOUT IT ANYMORE. I GUESS IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP.


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## Brando2600 (Apr 22, 2010)

birdiehead said:


> CAN SOMEONE DELETE THIS WHOLE POST? I DON'T "FEEL" RIGHT ABOUT IT ANYMORE. I GUESS IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP.


It might take a while for an admin to delete it, but you can go into edit mode and erase the title and first message.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

i've read all your posts and i appreciate your words of support. but i can't fight a battle anymore that i can never win. i've already been pretty much disowned by my family and can't even work anymore. i must be a super severe case or something. i can't even complete thoughts in my head or accomplish simple tasks like washing the dishes because my thinking is so off. i don't wanna die but i can't live like this. it's pure torture in every way. i probably have something else wrong with me. i don't even know anymore.

i havent been able to work for........10 or 12 years. i cut myself off from my family. you're not the only one in your situation. you're not alone.


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