# Hey All- Looking for Direction



## holesinthinair (Dec 26, 2006)

Hey,

I've had the feeling of being disconnected from reality for some time now. I first noticed a little 'dulling' of my emotions about five years ago. While I was a little concerned that I no longer felt things so strongly as I used to, I didn't really disconnect until later. The feeling grew gradually, I suppose. I don't remember. I do remember when I first started to worry, though.

I was graduating from high school- Excited in anticipation for celebrating with my friends, and the release of tensions built through twelve years of primary school. The future and my independence lay before me.
A few seconds later I woke up... it was late July, perhaps the beginning of August. Graduation was three months behind me. It had come and gone without any of the feelings that I had just dreamed of. I barely remembered it. All that summer (both before and after this happened) I would sleep ten, sometimes eleven hours a day, but still 'wake up' very tired. Despite the fact that I had nothing to do, I couldn't relax, no matter how hard I tried. It is important to note that I had not had any experiences with drugs at this point, not even alcohol. I lost all sense of reality and when I had my physical before going to school, I mentioned that I was worried I was becoming schizophrenic. My doctor told me it was probably related to stress because of the anticipation for college.

My first year of college came and went. I drank for the first time, and for a while that actually brought me back a little bit... probably because of the novelty. Anyhow, my condition overall did not improve. The summer after my first year I still couldn't quite relax. I was busier because of a job, smoked pot for the first few times, and partied a little, but there wasn't any overall change. I decided to seek help.

I didn't see the psychiatrist until the first week or so before school started up again. She pretty much ruled out the possibility of schizophrenia, and we explored the possibility that I had ADHD. We decided to try behavioral therapy (going to sleep and getting up at the same time each day, scheduling everything in advance). This helped a tiny bit, but the effect didn't really last. When I came back to school I used DXM (a dissociative) once. Despite the fact that it was a dissociative, while I was up, I was actually pretty aware and I have vivid memories of that time, again probably because of the novelty. The comedown was one of the worst dissociative experiences ever though- probably because I was so tired. Anyways, the trip rattled me a little bit, but didn't really affect my state in the long run. I came back for thanksgiving and the psych and I decided to try Ritalin. For the first two weeks, it seemed to really help, but I suppose it was a placebo effect (I had hope because of the therapy, and again because of novelty). Things are a little better with the Ritalin still, but not completely better. I think that it's because it helps me with schoolwork (I do think I have ADHD as well), and helps me focus and avoid hyperfocus (I can be aware of my dissociation and then dissociate from it... I know... weird).

Things aren't completely better though. I read the thread on anxiety and I am going to explore that idea with my psych. I do find that there's an addictive tendency to this... bad episodes make me want to pull even deeper into the dissociation, not pull myself out. I don't feel that I have the strength to break free, partially because I feel less and less like there's an "I" to have the strength. I looked at myself in the mirror today after coming out of a hot shower and didn't know myself. I have a lot of strange symptoms with this, but the main ones are:
Visual distortion. I feel like I can't force myself to focus on any one point. I can read text fine, I have 20/15 vision, but nevertheless I feel like everything is blurry, or as if there's a windshield between myself and the rest of the world- actually, in general it feels like I am driving a car (disinterested in what I am seeing, but still required to react to it to prevent from crashing)
I also tend to have trails, or have trouble looking at an object in motion and understanding the context around it. In bad episodes I can look all around me at different points and still not piece them together to identify where I am in space.
Over-thinking. This is a big one, and I can use the visual distortion as an example. I've been thinking a lot recently about how much we rely on visual information in our assessment of reality. I try to imagine that everything is still real when I close my eyes, and can't wrap my mind around it. Sometimes I try to picture in my mind's eye what the world would 'look' like if I didn't have eyes- the objective reality would stay the same, but my whole concept would be different.
Bad memory. I have vague memories of important things that happened in the past (eg my graduation) but not very good emotional ties to them and without any real aspect of reality to them. I often have trouble remembering where I was ten minutes ago or what I ate for lunch the day before. I am absolutely impossible with people's names.
Stomach trouble. I usually feel sick after meals, and I find that my dissociation is very much worse after eating. I also find that naps and hot baths will make the dissociation worse.
Migraines. They suck  I didn't have them before.
Feelings of mortality. I have this especially badly on the comedown after drinking. I think it has something to do with my stomach as well. The worse my stomach feels, the more I think about how I am going to die. I used to drink heartily in the double digits now as little as one beer drunk too quickly will make me vomit and think about death.

Anyways, if anyone had the fortitude to read through that rant, I'd love some guidance. These forums are huge, with lots of little threads and not the best search function. It encourages me that I'm not the only one feeling like this, as practically everyone else I have talked to doesn't understand what I mean (so, you're sad? No I'm not sad you moron, I don't feel anything!). Even the psychiatrist is confused. Has anyone completely cured themselves? How did they do it? Is there a link with anxiety? I have many more things I could explain and I'll do so if asked, but I feel this post is hugely long already. I probably won't check this thread for a little while, but I'd love to see any and all responses and suggestions.

Hi


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## Guest (Dec 26, 2006)

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## goo goo (Aug 31, 2006)

Hi Holesinthinair,

Your post is similar to my story. You describe the visual distortions very good. I find that even though consiously i want to see things normal, i just cant i then i find im just not bothered and i become lazy with my eye. Before it all happened with me i had a gradual dulling of the emotions and even the senses too.

Do you find the world feels so much smaller now than before this happened? When you think in your head the places you could go, its not as big and different as it used to be for me. Its like you have a grip on reality that is too rational and dull.

And i find my memory is poor than before too.

Craig


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

holesinthinair said:


> I was graduating from high school- Excited in anticipation for celebrating with my friends, and the release of tensions built through twelve years of primary school. The future and my independence lay before me.
> A few seconds later I woke up... it was late July, perhaps the beginning of August. Graduation was three months behind me. It had come and gone without any of the feelings that I had just dreamed of. I barely remembered it. All that summer (both before and after this happened) I would sleep ten, sometimes eleven hours a day, but still 'wake up' very tired. Despite the fact that I had nothing to do, I couldn't relax, no matter how hard I tried.
> 
> Things aren't completely better though. I read the thread on anxiety and I am going to explore that idea with my psych. I do find that there's an addictive tendency to this... bad episodes make me want to pull even deeper into the dissociation, not pull myself out. I don't feel that I have the strength to break free, partially because I feel less and less like there's an "I" to have the strength. I looked at myself in the mirror today after coming out of a hot shower and didn't know myself. I have a lot of strange symptoms with this, but the main ones are:


A lot of what you said resonates with my experience. I really like the way you wrote the first paragraph I quoted - really captures the feeling IMO.

At any rate, you've come to the right place and you may be able to garner some gems. If not you can feel free to write about how you're feeling and get some assurance that its how a lot of people here feel.

I would reccomend talking to your psych about DP/DR and anxiety disorders in general, since personally it sounds more like those are your problems than ADD.

Welcome


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## Guest (Dec 31, 2006)

Welcome to the site holesinthinair,



> Looking for Direction


*points North* go that'ta way! =P


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