# Hi, thats my story!



## catatonia (Jul 29, 2012)

hello to everyone! i am 22 years old and from germany and at first i want to say: sorry for my bad english, but i hope you can understand my postings









before i decided to register in this forum i read a lot of postings and the more and more i felt i'm definitly right here and this hell i'm going trough ist called DR/DP. the informations about this disorder in germany are really minor and i was so glad to find this forum, even its in english. 
my whole life i was a very afraid person, especially mental conditions. the first experience with dr/pd i had when i was 6 years old. suddenly everything looks so different and i was scared as hell, i will never forget this moment, even i was only 6 years old. this feeling went away and it took a lot of time before it came back. at the age of 15 i had my first panik attacks and i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. i was so afraid of so many things like death, mental conditions, people, places an more. but i havent realised that my only problem was just my anxiety. the panic attacks happened almost every day and then - this strange weird feeling of everything is ureal and 'who the hell i?' am came back. but not just for one day, like when i was 6 years old. this feeling lasts permanently. at this time, i was sure i'm going insane. now, my only anxiety was to freak out and lose control. all the other things, i feared before, like death and so on, seemed like trivia. this new weird feeling was so overwhelming. my mother was so desperate that she send me to a psychiater. but he said that i only have the generalized anxiety disorder and my new symtoms are just a way to get attention. nobody took me seriously. this was the worst time of my whole life and i spent the next months at home and the most times i just cried my heart out. but after this few months i realised that i'm not going insane and i still had the control over my body. i accept that this dr/dp symptoms are just a product of my mind and i moved on with things which are normal to do for a 15 year old girl. i had my first boyfriend, my first party, drank alcohol for the first thime and so on. this horrible feelings were getting less and less. 
so i can say my first episode with permanent dr/dp lasts nearly a year. but it went never 100% away. in some situations it came back but i tried to get no attention to the symtoms. the situations are for example: new places, travelling in other countries, when i got not enough sleep, when i got fever. but i could life with it, yeah i had a really good time.

but now, i am 22 and i had a lot of stress the last months and i was again worring too much about my body and thoughts like 'have i a deadly disease'? because i felt so exhausted most of the time, my pulse was too high and a lot things more. unfortunatly i never thought that its just high anxiety again, like in the age of 15 years. however, i had a few panik attacks and insomnia and the only thing i did, was thinking about my crippled body. and the result of this was -what suprise- dr/dp came back permanently. i got it again since a month. 
but the difference to my first episode is this: i searched in the internet for my syptoms and found out that they are real, and not just in my mind! i found other people with the same feelings and that changed my life! but okay, i know now that this horrible crap has a name but i still got it and yes, its absolutly soul crushing to get trough this permanently, 24/7, a secound time in my life.

and i want to tell all of you: you are all definitly very very strong people! everyone who has to deal with it is a fighter! so much love to all of you!

(and sorry again for my horrible english!!!)


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

catatonia said:


> hello to everyone! i am 22 years old and from germany and at first i want to say: sorry for my bad english, but i hope you can understand my postings
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hey, it's a huge relief to finally be able to name this out right?

Well, it pretty much looks like you're depersonalized, have you tried diet/exercise/supplements? I ask this to everyone who just joined since those are the things that made my life better these last weeks


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## catatonia (Jul 29, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Hey, it's a huge relief to finally be able to name this out right?
> 
> Well, it pretty much looks like you're depersonalized, have you tried diet/exercise/supplements? I ask this to everyone who just joined since those are the things that made my life better these last weeks


yes, it was such a relief! i got goosebumps all over my body when i fist read the name 'depersonalization and derealization disorder'. all my symtoms make sense now!

diet/exercise/supplements.. i agree with you that these things are very important on the road to recovery. but also i know that is very hard to start with it, especially at the first days/weeks you have to deal with dr/dp. its easier to lay in the bad the whole day and cry your heart out. but that is definitly the wrong way!! 
i started with vitamin B12. but i read that fish oil can also work, so i'm going to try it.
what kind of exercise do you do? i havn't already found a sport that really fits to me :/


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

catatonia said:


> yes, it was such a relief! i got goosebumps all over my body when i fist read the name 'depersonalization and derealization disorder'. all my symtoms make sense now!
> 
> diet/exercise/supplements.. i agree with you that these things are very important on the road to recovery. but also i know that is very hard to start with it, especially at the first days/weeks you have to deal with dr/dp. its easier to lay in the bad the whole day and cry your heart out. but that is definitly the wrong way!!
> i started with vitamin B12. but i read that fish oil can also work, so i'm going to try it.
> what kind of exercise do you do? i havn't already found a sport that really fits to me :/


Well, I wake up everyday between 6 and 7 AM and go outside for a bike ride for about an hour or something, and I play football often


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## catatonia (Jul 29, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Well, I wake up everyday between 6 and 7 AM and go outside for a bike ride for about an hour or something, and I play football often


wow, i'm really impressed that you can do this in the early morning! my dr/dp is worst after i woke up. but maybe exercising is a good way to push the bad thoughts after waking up away..


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

catatonia said:


> wow, i'm really impressed that you can do this in the early morning! my dr/dp is worst after i woke up. but maybe exercising is a good way to push the bad thoughts after waking up away..


Yeep it really is, my DP/DR used to be worse in the morning in the beginning, it's been worse at night for the last few months, and exercising this early in the morning really lifts my mood =D


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## shattered memories (Jul 19, 2012)

I can really relate to your story. I remember being able to depersonalize when I was a kid. It usually happened if I was in a large public area like a grocery store or a beach. I was always able to snap out of it but now thanks to alot of bullshit im stuck









Im glad you found this forum and hope it helps you!

PS. Your English is sooo much better than my German, which I studied for four years. Schade! >_<


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## catatonia (Jul 29, 2012)

shattered memories said:


> I can really relate to your story. I remember being able to depersonalize when I was a kid. It usually happened if I was in a large public area like a grocery store or a beach. I was always able to snap out of it but now thanks to alot of bullshit im stuck
> 
> 
> 
> ...


oh really? you studied german? if you ever want to improve your knowledge - text me









and yes, finding this forum helped me a lot! just to know i'm not the only one is a relief


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