# Sex



## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

Ok, I was telling my boyfriend that he yells at me too much. He said he's stressed out and not getting what he needs from our relationship. I asked him what... he said sex.

We mostly only have sex when I'm drunk although I am occasionally in the mood sober, but not too often.

Well then the conversation drifted into something that happened last weekend. I woke up to him performing a sexual act on me. I remember freaking out and he told me he was trying to wake me up. (I'm extremely hard to wake up, especially drunk.) When I asked him if we had sex the day after he said no, but he failed to mention the whole sexual thing that happened. So I brought it up today. He got really mad. He said it's not like he raped me.

So yeah... writing that I feel like a dumbass cuz it seems like he was completely in the wrong when I see it all written down. But the point of this post was to ask if it really was wrong.

People always say sex is a necessity in a relationship, even the professionals. And we have had sex sober... so maybe he felt he had a right cuz it had been awhile and we've been together for years? But no, cuz this happened before... he actually did have sex with me, I like fell asleep in the middle but he kept going, he told me about it and I felt extremely violated and told him so.

So he knew I would mind.

He just left me a message. He said... I have an idea, how bout you never touch me again and I never touch you, and don't come to my house anymore and we won't have this problem.

Nice.


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## = n (Nov 17, 2004)

I give it two months.


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

Ok, that was helpful.


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## = n (Nov 17, 2004)

Im sorry. This shouldnt be legal when you're drunk (plus its 6:00 am in the morning am where i am in the morning with birds singing am)

I was being honest though. You seem to be highlighting serious flaws in your relationship with regards to communication and any kind of real trust. Sorry, but this is a bad sign to me. I mean some kind of fetish is one thing, but non-consensual sex (what you appear to be alluding to) is totally and entirely wrong as far as i can see (except maybe as a fantasy).

Could i have spoken other than i have?

(actually yes, im just a drunk bastard. But maybe i have *drunken insight*. Possibly.)


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Peacedove,
so so wrong.  I dont care if you have been with him for years and that you have had sex before... you still ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say no. If you are passed out or asleep he isnt even giving you the chance to say yes or no, which is just as bad.

That message he left you was ridiculous and immature, he should be embarrassed for acting like that. I hope you confront this and make sure it doesnt happen again. You deserve better than that.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

hey peacedove, you know any pipe hittin ****** that can go to work on the homez? cause dude... thats molestation. i had that happen to me when i fell asleep drunk at a party, and guess what i did drunk as i was? i sent the guys testicles right up into his nasal cavity. another time i awoke to a lovely scene of my nipples being violated by my boyfriend and all he got out of it was a bloody nose and and me turning into a screaming banshee.

sorry, but your bf is an assclown and he deserves no less then to be treated like the assclown he is.


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## Guest (Dec 14, 2005)

What a wanker


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Definitely wrong and sick if you ask me. He could have had a pull and finished himself off but to still keep going while your slumbering, very wrong. But if he is frustrated and your love life is going down the gurgler you must at least address those issues.


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## Guest (Dec 14, 2005)

Yeah, he has boundary issues. He might never understand what he's doing wrong and that he's putting his own desires before mutual respect. THis happened to me and is one reason my marriage has just ended.


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

Sounds to me like this relationship is very troubled and needs to end. I certainly dont agree with what this person did, but sex is a very important issue in a relationship and if you feel so differently about it then you will always be having problems.

Joe


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## Guest (Dec 14, 2005)

He sounds like a mean, nasty old crab :? . And unless you've said to him: "Please have sex with me when I'm passed out drunk, I'm into that," it is quite wrong for him to have sex with you when you're comatose, especially if there is a record of it happening before and your saying it made you feel violated. 

And the thing he said on the message is nasty, nasty, nasty. You deserve better than that... I mean no one deserves to be treated in such a low, cheap, dismissive manner. Shame on him!


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Peacedove, 
Is there a reason that you usually dont have sex sober? It doesnt seem to me very healthy that you are only in the mood drunk. Its just encouraging all sorts of things that could happen while you're reason is impaired, including what your boyfriend did. I think its just a really wierd situation if you fell asleep while you both were having sex - I have no idea what to think of that. It sounds like its consensual, but just.....weird. Because it started out consensual, I wouldnt consider it rape. But I do think that getting drunk to have sex will leave you very, very vulnerable to worse things. Was his waking you up during a sexual act another incident? If this was done on you without your knowledge, I would tend to consider that rape, and your boyfriend a dangerous sort of man. I can understand finishing consensual intercourse while you were tipsy - I cant abide by his "using" you without permission, with an emphasis on the word "use". You arent a piece of meat, you are a human with free will who wants to be loved. If this is the case, dont get back to him. Maybe you'd want to consider talking to your therapist about your need for alcohol as well, but I also think alot had to do with neither of you really caring deep down for each other.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## MrMortgage (Aug 26, 2005)

Well if you told him not to touch you when youre asleep then he should know this and not touch you.

In my personal experience with my last relationship, me and my ex would wake each other up by performing sexual acts on each other.

Toward the end of the realationship it was all about my pleasure, and my ex would have sex with me when I had those sleeping erections, that was a sign that I wasnt giving her enough attention.

This could be happening to you. Doesnt seem like this relationship will not work out.

There must be some deeper issues with you guys, other then just sex.


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

This is a purely instictic reply from me. I think he is for the sex mainly or only. Something that isn't bad itself, but it can be if you are not at the same "frequency".

I don't that one can enjoy sex enough if there is no feeling. Maybe this man has placed his feelings on another woman and seeks only sex from you. Or maybe he doesn't have feelings at all.

The fact that he tried to have sex with you while you were sleeping was really nasty. I don't think that it matters that you have a relationship, or even years of marriage. He didn't kissed you, which is something like a "goodmorning", he tried to have sex with you without your concession. Part of the good thing on sex is when you feel that you are wanted. Consession. Maybe he is having a mental issue, maybe he needs to go for analysis.

Did he thought that you were drunk and sex would be like all the other times you two were having sex in that fashion? Nope, because he lied, and he has done it beafore.



peacedove said:


> People always say sex is a necessity in a relationship


Depends on the relationship. It is not always necessary and it takes time to come. If both want, they go ahead. If both don't want, it's all ok. If one doesn't want then they must find the reason and if they can't solve the issue they split (slang).

Some men say "you don't love me and that's why you don't have sex with me" which is most of the times wrong (they abuse this phrase) but it is a possibility.

However, instictly again, I sense that don't classify his behavior as "_sex is a necessity in a relationship_" and I also don't either. I could be hell-wrong of course.

You know what I recommend you to do. Say goodbye. Fast.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

in short,

*ASSCLOWN*  :x


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## Iusedtobereal (Dec 11, 2005)

hes immature.. imo find a guy thats worth your time


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I wasn't expecting so many. And I was expecting the ones I got to be nasty cuz I feel so dumb about this whole thing I guess. But you're all very supportive.



sleepingbeauty said:


> hey peacedove, you know any pipe hittin ****** that can go to work on the homez?


Funny thing is, he is my biggest protector.



Homeskooled said:


> Is there a reason that you usually dont have sex sober?


I don't really like to be touched much when I'm sober. I mean hugs are ok... except from my parents for some reason. I get chills when they try to hug me.

I don't know. I just don't like sexual advances unless I initiate them.



Homeskooled said:


> Was his waking you up during a sexual act another incident?


Yes it was a different time.



Homeskooled said:


> but I also think alot had to do with neither of you really caring deep down for each other.


I care about him, but I doubt his love for me. It's a long ugly story, but I think you are right in a way.

It's just that I've been disrespected/used by so many men it's like... I don't know if I can trust any of them, ever.

I hate to sound like a stupid, naive girl, but my boyfriend does a lot for me. I mean like today, I locked my keys in the car at work. He drove 45 mins. in this sh*tty weather to come bring me my spare key and then 45 mins. back. He stands out in the cold to pump gas in my car. Before I was driving myself to work he would wake up at 5am and drive me that 45mins to and from work every single day. So I think, why would he do all that if he didn't love me.

I'm confused... and my thoughts are in pieces once again.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

it doesnt matter peacedove. there is no act of chivalry that can make up for what he did. you are doing what all women do when they are in abusive relationships. they start making excuses for the abuser after the fact. right now the problem isnt him. its YOU. you are his enabler. and you will continue to be as long as your self esteem issues remain unchecked. and he will continue to get away with as much as you allow him too. i hate to come down on you like this.. but right now its your fault. because you are with someone and are making excuses for someone who has no respect for you or your body.

i know what im talking about. i grew up in an abusive household. my dad used to beat and rape my mom. he used to throw her through windows. of course he would do these things when he was drunk. but when he became sober again he was like mr knight in shining armor. our "protector" and he would bring home a dozen roses for my mom, take her to dinner, treat her like the sun shines out her A$$. my mom was the typical abused wife. hate him one day, know that he is an assclown not worth her time, and then come home after the wining and dining totally enamorate of him and pooh poohing the abuse like it never happened or will never happen again. of course a few beers later, it happens again. that is the statistical cycle of abuse.

sadly for you, i can see you are becoming that statistic. he may not hit you, or throw you through windows, but he IS abusing you. and if you stay with him he will continue to abuse you. its not a case of IF. its a case of WHEN.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

peace,
he knows you have been violated by men in the past and yet does this to you? this situtation doesnt sound good. i know how confusing it can feel... really i do... but you have to think of it this way someone who loves would never risk harming you emotionally especially if they KNOW you have been through painful things with men, and that you already have to deal with dp/r. yes i understand guys want sex, but if that is more important to him than your well being then i think you know what you have to do.

i get that he does other things for you that are great... but there are certain lines that should never be crossed. he has now done this to you not once but twice and sleepingbeauty is exactly right, he will do this again. im sorry you are going through this.. i know its probably hard.. breakups can be so awful. you need someone supportive and mature enough to understand things you have been through and that will respect you.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

peacedove said:


> I hate to sound like a stupid, naive girl, but my boyfriend does a lot for me. I mean like today, I locked my keys in the car at work. He drove 45 mins. in this sh*tty weather to come bring me my spare key and then 45 mins. back. He stands out in the cold to pump gas in my car. Before I was driving myself to work he would wake up at 5am and drive me that 45mins to and from work every single day. So I think, why would he do all that if he didn't love me.
> 
> I'm confused... and my thoughts are in pieces once again.


i wrote you a really long reply last night and then the site wouldn't let me post it (frustrating!)...so i'll see if i can remember what i said.

i have dated a few guys who have done *horrible* things to me...yet, to this day, i have no doubt in my mind they loved me. infact, i'm positive that the one who was the very worst (abusive in almost every way) would have died for me. and not only were they in love with me, but i was deeply in love with them. my point is that sometimes (no matter how much love there is in the relationship) it's not going to work out, and it's probably going to end up messing you up in a big way. so the question isn't "why would he do all that if he didn't love me?"...it's "i know he loves me, but is it worth putting myself in that position again?"

i don't honestly know the answer since i obviously don't know everything about you and your boyfriend. but don't let the reason you stay with him be that he loves you...

i wish you the best.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Wise answer, agentcooper.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

Probably agentcooper covered it but let me add something.

I saw in television some sort of a show with some psychologists, and they said that the abusive man is a less complete personality and also a bully/ruffian. And that he needs help (analysis). But the woman that gets abused needs more help because she is denying his bad sides and empowering his good ones. And everybody has good sides.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Brainsilence, 
for some reason that made so much sense to me i said it to a friend of mine who is in a relationship with an abusive man... for the first time ever she did not try to justify his behavior with his good points. she just looked at me and said good point.... may not sound like much, but believe me its progress. i also brought up some of the things you said agentcooper. i think some of it may have actually sunk in her stubborn head.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

yeah...when i was dating him, i used to defend him to my friends and family all the time. i even remember after we broke up and he moved away, i was still so hung up on him that i used to wish he'd come back...i didn't even care if it got abusive again.

peacedove, i'm not saying your situation is the same as mine was...your boyfriend doesn't sound as bad (though he may well be)...but there definately are similarities.


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

sleepingbeauty said:


> you are with someone and are making excuses for someone who has no respect for you or your body.


Ok, I can see he treats me with no respect now. But we first started dating when I was 15 we dated for two years back then. I am nearly 24 now. But then he was the sweetest thing ever. He wasn't the type of guy I'm normally attracted to lookwise. But his kindness and timidness won me over.

He was the perfect boyfriend those two years up until he dumped me. He treated me with so much respect. I remember he was weird about me giving him oral sex at first cuz he didn't want to degrade me. He always let me make the first move. I lost my virginity to him and there was no doubt in my mind we would be married.

Well, then sh*t happened. He left me, no explanation, no nothing. We got back together almost two years ago. It has been rough, not like before. He is like a different person... but the old him pops out now and again and it's hard for me not to believe him when he says his new behavior is caused by mental problems he's having. (Brainsilence you were right about that) Maybe he is the sweet, respectful man he was before. :?



rainboteers said:


> he knows you have been violated by men in the past and yet does this to you?


That's what gets me. Man, he never did this before... and we get back together and I tell him all the horrible sh*t that's happened to me (mosty being violated by men) in the time he's been gone and then he does that.
Maybe he lost respect for me cuz of the men I have been with. He claims he hasn't, but maybe deep down he thinks I'm a whore and doesn't even realize it. Or maybe he does realize it and is just using me like the rest of 'em and I'm oblivious to it.



agentcooper said:


> my point is that sometimes (no matter how much love there is in the relationship) it's not going to work out, and it's probably going to end up messing you up in a big way.


Love doesn't make sense to me anymore. When I was 15 I KNEW it was love. And then when he left I was like well it really wasn't love then. It's hard for me to comprehend that things can't work out when two people truly love each other.


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

rainboteers,
Glad that your friend if making steps. I don't think that it's her fault that he doesn't leave this abusive man.



peacedove said:


> That's what gets me. Man, he never did this before... and we get back together and I tell him all the horrible sh*t that's happened to me (mosty being violated by men) in the time he's been gone and then he does that.
> Maybe he lost respect for me cuz of the men I have been with. He claims he hasn't, but maybe deep down he thinks I'm a whore and doesn't even realize it. Or maybe he does realize it and is just using me like the rest of 'em and I'm oblivious to it.


I think that what's important is to walk away (unless you get him into a psycho-analysis, it's going to be very dificult to figure out what is happening in his head). If you don't want to leave him, or you want to but cannot, then ask help. Some kind of a counciling, a doctor, or even read something that might help. I will see if I can find something online.



peacedove said:


> Love doesn't make sense to me anymore. When I was 15 I KNEW it was love. And then when he left I was like well it really wasn't love then. It's hard for me to comprehend that things can't work out when two people truly love each other.


I don't have a definition of love in my head right now, but I thinlk it involves these things:

1. don't harm, don't make sad, don't disapoint
2. give without expect to recieve


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

here is some stuff online:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_Women_Syndrome

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html
http://www.safe4all.org/ -- it has a forum!
http://www.rainn.org/


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