# I'm suicidal..



## Realiity (Apr 26, 2009)

So I've been feeling extremely low the past couple of weeks (on and off). Last night, I got really bad. I've been bawling my eyes out for the past 9 hours and still cannot stop myself.. 
I haven't spoken to my boyfriend all day and at around 2am he finally decides to give me a call. I was going to tell him I'm feeling really low and slowly talk about me being suicidal as I didn't want to scare him. But, he decided it was the best time to yell at me for not having a job and literally said word for word: "You have no reason to live right now. no purpose at all" because I sleep all day and stay up all night. I kept trying to tell him but he just cut me off and then got in to another argument about something I had lied about 5 days ago. It was about a stupid email I had sent to my teacher (asking to talk to him about personal stuff as he is a psych teacher).

ANYWAYS, we hang up the phone and talk again an hour later. He yells a little more then asks me if I'm going to come over tomorrow (technically today) so we can talk about it. I told him I may have other plans. He asked me what about 15 times. I didn't want to tell him because I was so angry with him for yelling at me so much. I finally told him the hospital and told him it was because I'm not feeling right. He told me I'm just being weak. Then I said I want to blow my brains out. He just disregarded all of it and was getting angry!! I forget what he said but it was something that really hit me hard. I just started bawling and said "*name* I cannot fucking believe you would do this to me" and hung up. he called back and apologized saying he thought I was JOKING. I dismissed it.. and then he started telling me it's because we argued. and said that everytime we argue, I get suicidal. I kept trying to tell him it has nothing to do with it and tried telling him the real reason (which I've talked about on here) and he replied with "oh so the excuse?". This went on for a good hour or two. He just told me I'm being silly and said plenty of hurtful things that I cannot remember for the life of me (I'm so damn out of it and all over the place) that caused me to hang up but he'd always call back.

The last time he called me back after I had hung up (after saying our goodbyes) he yells at me saying he wasn't done and to never do that again. Then told me not to hurt myself and I said "whats the point" and he just went off saying "Ok so I'm gonna just go upstairs and find something to cut myself with. I'm going to cut myself real nice because I'm mad and upset and don't feel right. I'm going to do it then show it to you and see how you feel. and then I'm going to tell you I'm going to the hospital and see how you feel about that. does that feel great? huh?" So I asked him if he feels like a horrible boyfriend. Told him he's treating me like shit, that it's not a way to treat someone who is contemplating suicide. I told him he just makes me want to pull the trigger. So he started crying saying he has always treated me like shit and that he's a horrible boyfriend.

Holy crap. Like, don't get me wrong, he is an amazing boyfriend and has always been good to me. He just doesn't understand. Idunno. I sent him a text that he probably wont read til later just telling him that I don't need him to be there for me but what I do need is someone who will not judge me for doing what I need to do.

Like here I am trying to find a reason not to kill myself and the only thing I have right now is a page full of possible ways to kill myself. I even made a f**king pros/cons list (EX: Con - too messy Pro - Fast). I just want someone to tell me that I'm going to be ok. that this will pass. All I have is the feeling that I am so very ALONE. I hate feeling lonely. It makes everything so much worse.

So, yes. I really want to kill myself right now. It is 7:03 am. I have 9 hours and 27 minutes (If I calculated correctly to plan this out, clean my mess up (wouldn't want to leave a messy room for my mother to clean), write some letters, and then follow the plan. I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense but I just feel so weird right now. I think Heather's coming out (when I was 12 I named the mean side of me because I felt I had 2 different personalities. so when I don't feel like myself, I just pretend it's Heather ahaha. fun fact about the dead girl!!). I may post more later just to give a heads up. Wow, I am just so comfortable about this. I am no longer all panicky and sad. I'm nothing anymore. Reality = completely gone. I am no one. and I don't fear death anymore.


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## onlygirlintheworld (Jul 3, 2012)

Oh my god please dont do it!







I know u might feel like no one cares about you but you have to care about yourself! life can be so good again when u get better







I've been better for a year an a half, till i started feeling funny again a couple of nights ago but i know i will be better again







i know how lonely you must feel and I've thought about doing something to myself before too but when u start to get better you will be so glad u didn't do it! Your boyfriend sounds like a dickhead! i dont know how old u are but one day u will find someone who will be there for you an look after you but you're never gonna get to do that if you're not here, things will get better bit you'll never get to find that out if u kill yourself! Please go to the hospital! X


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## Realiity (Apr 26, 2009)

smiley x said:


> Oh my god please dont do it!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 Thank you.. I am just so tired of it all. The shitty thing is that my decision has nothing to do with DP/DR so that leaves me with no support. It's about a very messed up situation that happened two years ago and it all started at this time of the year. I don't know. I guess I should look for another support group but I'm just too fed up. I really do want to sleep it off and maybe wake up feeling a little more sane.. but I can't sleep. and I would go to the hospital but the only way I can get there is bus.. I'd have to take a couple of busses then walk quite a bit. The moment I would leave this house knowing I'm going to the hospital would be extremely overwhelming and I would not make it there because I'd be freaking out just waiting.

Thank you for the reply though. I guess I'm on the fence about it, but more leaning towards actually doing it. I just need some motivation to want to do something with my life.


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## onlygirlintheworld (Jul 3, 2012)

well whatever the reason is, i still understand what its like to feel alone and scared and desperate and like things might never get better but you just have to believe that they will! and you know you said that you just wanted someone to tell you that everything is gonna be ok, well everything is gonna be ok







you shouldnt be with your boyfriend right now, it sounds like he is not helping you but just making you feel worse to be honest. i know you dont really wanna kill yourself otherwise you would of done it, you're just scared and want someone to help you! please go to the hospital, you need help otherwise you're never gonna get better! we just have to get through our struggles then it will our turn for the nice stuff







x


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## Thidwick (May 30, 2012)

Suicide is stupid and probably the most selfish thing you can ever do. You have no idea how bad it would devastate your friends and family if you go through with this. Whatever problems you have, nothing is so bad as to warrant suicide. I've been suicidal, too. I've been so low that I've thought that there was absolutely nothing that could make life worth living again. And you know what? That was all a crock of shit. However long the night, the dawn will break again. I emerged stronger for it, and you can too. You won't spend your entire life feeling empty and alone. You won't.

Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. Are you sure you really want to do this? Do you want to forever scar the lives of those closest to you? Are you prepared to leave a hole in their hearts that will never be filled?


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

you may not belive in the devil but know that HE belives in you and hes very exited by ur post may sound like im tryin to scare you but im not this is reality. Gods waiting to help u youve gotta just let him.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

and your not at peace with death ur just to scared to processs any of it and that is the very esesence of dp realize this and cure it.


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## Realiity (Apr 26, 2009)

Thidwick said:


> Suicide is stupid and probably the most selfish thing you can ever do. You have no idea how bad it would devastate your friends and family if you go through with this. Whatever problems you have, nothing is so bad as to warrant suicide. I've been suicidal, too. I've been so low that I've thought that there was absolutely nothing that could make life worth living again. And you know what? That was all a crock of shit. However long the night, the dawn will break again. I emerged stronger for it, and you can too. You won't spend your entire life feeling empty and alone. You won't.
> 
> Suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. Are you sure you really want to do this? Do you want to forever scar the lives of those closest to you? Are you prepared to leave a hole in their hearts that will never be filled?


 You don't know me. You cannot tell me that I wont spend my entire life feeling empty and alone.
and yes, I know suicide is stupid and selfish otherwise I would already be dead rather than be sitting here thinking about it.


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## Realiity (Apr 26, 2009)

DP boy said:


> you may not belive in the devil but know that HE belives in you and hes very exited by ur post may sound like im tryin to scare you but im not this is reality. Gods waiting to help u youve gotta just let him.


 I don't believe in either of them.


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## Realiity (Apr 26, 2009)

Also, if you plan on commenting saying that I am being selfish or an idiot, don't bother. If I weren't thinking about the consequences, I would be dead. I'm trying to talk myself out of it. Not for me, but for the people around me even if they don't show that they care. I don't need to hear(read) that I am idiotic. I'm trying my best and the last thing I expect from this forum is to be judged by people I can actually relate to.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

ive been were u are ive been in the darkest void there is and i survived. every man must walk through hell to reach his paradise or girl in ur case.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

look up satans faceand scream in world trade center on utube. thts just to get ur mind flowing but no belive me God is real. the monkey vommit that most churches s prech today turns alot of people away but thats not the true word of christ. i didnt belive for a lng time either until ur realize whats going on in the world how most people are walking dead living for nothing and its beacuse thats how we were raised by design. to truly be awake and free all u have to do is embrade ur creator.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

please take my words to heart


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## Guest (Jul 3, 2012)

You have to tell somebody in your life, a friend, a doctor, whoever! Get help! You've got to reach out in your life OFF the computer! I'm not saying don't stop posting here. But we can only help you so much and just argue with you over the forum. Please, let others you can trust in life know how you are feeling. You might feel that telling somebody would bring them down and just drag them into "your problems". But believe me, not telling them is far worse a wrong on your part.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Don't be too disappointed about what Thidwick wrote to you.I read his post as a trial to WAKE YOU UP and sometimes it hurts to be woken up. What he certainly meant was: Nothing in life is certain. The only certainty we have is that no matter how you feel at the moment- may it be at the highest or lowest- this will change. Feelings never remain the same. Situations never remain the same. No one can tell you what life will offer you, but each of us can definitely tell you: It will change. And as you are at the lowest possible point, a change would mean improvement, right?









Hang in there and be strong. Many have felt the same and all that stayed strong say that they are glad they did not do such a stupid thing.

Be one of them and be strong. You will be rewarded for that!


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## Realiity (Apr 26, 2009)

Native said:


> You have to tell somebody in your life, a friend, a doctor, whoever! Get help! You've got to reach out in your life OFF the computer! I'm not saying don't stop posting here. But we can only help you so much and just argue with you over the forum. Please, let others you can trust in life know how you are feeling. You might feel that telling somebody would bring them down and just drag them into "your problems". But believe me, not telling them is far worse a wrong on your part.


 Thank you for the reply. I messaged a very close teacher that I know and he is working on getting information for me as far as going in to hospital care in case I am still feeling this way in the next couple of days. I'm still holding on and have slept all day to keep my mind off of any stupid decisions I feel like making. I've slept 13 hours so far today and am off to bed to get another 12. Still not feeling that safe but am seeing some improvement.


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## stranger in the mirror (Feb 24, 2012)

this maybe sound rude but if you do nothing all day you will get very depressed as you are right now and if you keep going on like this it will get worse! if you keep dwelling on your symptoms it wil get worse, so please stop doing that you realy need to get help and do something with your life, i know ( i realy do) it is the hardest thing to do.

i always tell myself: if i cant live for myself than i will life for my famely because i dont want to hurt them.


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## Guest (Jul 5, 2012)

I think it's so counter-productive when a suicidal person is told to feel guilty and selfish for even considering suicide... It only adds fuel to the flame. I felt extremely suicidal a few days ago... My post is only a few down from yours actually, and obviously you can see that I got through it. You can too! I think the first thing you need to sort is your boyfriend, how on earth are you going to sort your life out with him yelling insults in your ear all the time? That is NOT a healthy relationship. He's acting appallingly. You will feel so much stronger without him. I don't know if you're ready to leave him, but I would suggest it for your well being.
I was in a routine of sleeping all day and being up all night - it is easily fixable if you just persevere. Adjust your sleeping patterns by an hour or two every day until you've turned them the right way around








I know how you feel.
You can get out of this!
Wait and see how you feel in a few hours. Then wait another day. Just see.


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## tobealive (Aug 20, 2009)

Realiity said:


> So I've been feeling extremely low the past couple of weeks (on and off). Last night, I got really bad. I've been bawling my eyes out for the past 9 hours and still cannot stop myself..
> I haven't spoken to my boyfriend all day and at around 2am he finally decides to give me a call. I was going to tell him I'm feeling really low and slowly talk about me being suicidal as I didn't want to scare him. But, he decided it was the best time to yell at me for not having a job and literally said word for word: "You have no reason to live right now. no purpose at all" because I sleep all day and stay up all night. I kept trying to tell him but he just cut me off and then got in to another argument about something I had lied about 5 days ago. It was about a stupid email I had sent to my teacher (asking to talk to him about personal stuff as he is a psych teacher).
> 
> ANYWAYS, we hang up the phone and talk again an hour later. He yells a little more then asks me if I'm going to come over tomorrow (technically today) so we can talk about it. I told him I may have other plans. He asked me what about 15 times. I didn't want to tell him because I was so angry with him for yelling at me so much. I finally told him the hospital and told him it was because I'm not feeling right. He told me I'm just being weak. Then I said I want to blow my brains out. He just disregarded all of it and was getting angry!! I forget what he said but it was something that really hit me hard. I just started bawling and said "*name* I cannot fucking believe you would do this to me" and hung up. he called back and apologized saying he thought I was JOKING. I dismissed it.. and then he started telling me it's because we argued. and said that everytime we argue, I get suicidal. I kept trying to tell him it has nothing to do with it and tried telling him the real reason (which I've talked about on here) and he replied with "oh so the excuse?". This went on for a good hour or two. He just told me I'm being silly and said plenty of hurtful things that I cannot remember for the life of me (I'm so damn out of it and all over the place) that caused me to hang up but he'd always call back.
> ...


has anyone heard from Realiity? 
i really hope that you've gotten help, realiity and that you are ok. this disorder/afflication can be totally devastating, debilitating, depressing, hopeless-feeling and lonely. please don't give up. if me or anyone else who had posted a comment on your post were there, we would be there for you and totally understand what you were feeling, i know i would. i've been there. everyday is different and it can get better in many ways...please post to let us know if you're okay. i sincerely hope that you are. i'm sending you lots of care and good wishes. please hang in there, get help and keep contact!


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## onlygirlintheworld (Jul 3, 2012)

Yeah I hope she's ok too! x


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