# New and requesting help.



## Genericlizi (Jan 4, 2013)

So, I'm fairly new to this site. I just made this account yesterday, and have since been browsing the forums. I've had my DPDR/anxiety (???) symptoms for about a month now.
This is probably going to end up being very long, but any help anyone can provide in helping me with dealing with this, I will be extremely grateful. Because I'm honestly just really scared right now, and I really need some help.

To start off, my name is Elizabeth, I'm 15, currently in school, and have been under different sorts of stress for years. A great deal of my childhood my parents were fighting, and I just had a lot of that type of stress. Meaning for the past year and a half, I've been really inactive, spending most of my time laying down, or in school.

A little over two months ago, I had an experience with marijuana. I went from getting not really buzzed at all to being full blown baked, which honestly scared the living shit out of me. I didn't like it, but about a month after that (a little over a month from right now) I smoked again. Which was admittedly a mistake, because it was a bad high, I panicked, and got paranoid, the whole thing.

A week after that (a little less than a month from now), I was hanging out with a friend of mine in the downtown of a rural city not far from my house. I was sitting down, and my leg fell asleep, which isn't normal. I started feeling weird, so I stood up. I felt spaced out. Disconnected from reality. That whole thing. Kind of like I was high, but not quite. We walked around for a while, before I went into a cafe and drank a bunch of water before I collapsed on a table and tried to keep myself calm. I went home, and went to bed.

For the next week, I felt on and off disconnection, mostly on, with it getting better everyday, but only slightly. I told my mother on the second day, and she didn't know what to think. We thought it was the weed resurfacing in my system.

On the second day, I began with the "questioning reality" type stuff. It felt weird viewing things in the first person, as everyone does, and I didn't feel entirely THERE. And then on the days when I went back to school, because I had to, and my mother wouldn't let me stay home any longer, I began getting little bursts of anxiety whenever I had the thought "I am here. This is me. Only I can hear my thoughts. I don't even know if I'm HERE or not. Where is here? What is reality?". Those thoughts scared me. I figure one big part of it being that I've never questioned the abstract, or existential, and with the disconnected sense of my mind, I was scaring myself. Because I would obsessively repeat these thoughts, and they scared me a little less the more I thought about them.

I got better, and worse. I had a couple of relaspses of my disconnected, spaced out, feeling. Once when I was by myself in a mall, where I was angry, and it felt weird to be there alone. I got mostly control of myself there. The other time was in a big city that was a long drive away. I was with my mother and her boyfriend, and it was our Christmas trip. My mother got angry at me, whenever we first got out of the car to go get breakfast, and I got steadily worse and worse. I felt really alone. But I made it through the day without freaking out.

Christmas Eve, and Christmas day were probably the worst days of my life, because my anxiety was going crazy, and I had all of life's un answerable questions going through my head, and my mother was getting really tired of my shit at this point, and I ended up sobbing uncontrolably for hours.

Now, I just find myself dealing with those big questions. I feel like my mind has opened up to a whole new way of thinking, and my thoughts scare me. "Am I going insane? Will I ever feel normal again? Is there a god? What happens after death? If everything gets infinantely bigger, must everything get infinantely smaller too? What IS reality?" These are the major ones.

Yes. I'm dealing with each. My mother, the only person I've talked to, has told me to try and find the answer to each questions when they arise. This is hard, because they ARE lifes UN-ANSWERABLE questions. Everything else is my life has had a definant answer. Or, most everything. But my mind plagues me with these questions. I've always had this mind-pattern of repeating my thoughts, or thought segments, or conversations over and over and over, until something else comes up, or I'm distracted by real life. These questions are no different.

I'm slowly dealing with those... Slowly. I don't even know though, I'm still really confused and scared that I'll have a night like I did a few nights ago, where I was going to start school the next day, and I just rolled around with these abstract and existential questions in my head, and anxiety in my stomach until 4 in the morning (I figure this being mostly because of my going-back-to-school anxiety, which amplified my thoughts and anxiety.)

Now, a not-so-quick rundown of my symptoms.
Mental symptoms:
Dizziness. This is my main one. I've been dizzy for days now, with it increasing and decreasing.
Feeling like there is a weight on my forehead.
My face feels like its farther away than normal. My face, the rest of my head, everything. My body also sometimes feels thicker to the touch.
When I close my eyes, I feel as if I'm spinning, or levitating, or both, very slowly.
Depth perception is... Odd. I can't explain it passed that.
Startled easily. More than usual.
Obsession about getting better.
Repetitive thinking. Incessant mind chatter.
Fear of losing my mind.
Questioning reality.
Difficulty concentrating.
Anxiety. Like a pit in my stomach whenever I go off on my abstract thinking tangents.
Episodes of things feeling dreamlike. More frequent than my disconnection episodes.
Fear of dying. Especially what's in the unknown.
Fear of losing control of myself.
Fear of losing my mind.
Frequently feel like crying for no reason.

Physical:
Constantly feeling cold. It is winter here, but I still feel constantly cold. Especially my hands. I hardly warm up.
Decreased sex drive. The past two months, my sex drive dipped exponentially.
Muscle twitching. Mostly my eyes. This could be a calcium deficiency.
Back pain.
Sore back of neck. This is almost constant. Mostly the area where my neck meets my shoulder.
A lot of urges for urination. Whenever I get nervous, I feel like I need to pee RIGHT THEN.
Concern about heart. I've always had an odd heartbeat, but whenever I get my dereliction episodes, I'm REALLY concerned about my heart.
Rapid heart.
Diarrhea. Not bad, though. 
Lack of appetite. I'm overweight, so starting around two months ago, I started starving myself. On and off, I just wasn't eating well. The less I eat, the harder it is to eat. I have to force myself to eat, most mornings.
Abdominal stress. General gas, cramps, etc.

Anyway, as much as I have bashed my mother throughout this, she is really supportive, and she'll help me through this. And I'm going to go see a therapist in two weeks. Until then, I just need to function, get through school, all that kind of stuff. Keep myself distracted. Eat better. Browse this site.

I just get really scared, and all this dissociation from reality terrifies me. And I kind of need some help. Anyone have any thoughts, want to offer me any advice, etc?
Thanks


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## chelsy010 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hey, Gald you found this site. There is alot of help on here, I would suggest reading the Recovery forums and really try to take the advice into action no matter how hard it might be at first. Also beware of the negative chatter on here. Because this is such a terrifying disorder some people get very angry and say very negative things to those who are trying different methods to recover. But I understand there anger because this way of life can be unberable. I am slowly recovering and can relate to your symptoms, I am doing much better now. I will send you a list of recovery methods that I have been using that has been working for me.


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## emjmoorXJ (Oct 22, 2012)

Heyy if u need any help staying positive or need any help to cope don't be afraid to message me im a great motivator


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## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

You're going to be okay. I've felt many of those things you deal with, and so have many others - so you're not alone in this. Thoughts can be scary, but keep in my mind they're just thoughts. When you have an unwelcome thought don't give it too much credit, and avoid rumination. I'm aware that's much easier said than done, but it's possible - it takes work, a lot of work. I'm very familiar with existential thoughts, and they can definitely spin you into crisis mode if you let them. I've been there many times. I think your decision to seek a therapist will be extremely beneficial... I see a therapist, and sometimes I wonder "why the hell am I doing this?" and other times I come out of my appointments thinking "okay, this is definitely worth it" -- what I'm getting at is that when you go into therapy, make sure you give it an honest chance, because when I first started seeing a therapist I became discouraged easily. I also saw about 3 or 4 different ones until I found the right fit - you have to find someone you're comfortable with. Choosing to seek therapy is a commendable step, and it's something I wish I had started _years _ago. I'm sorry you're going through this... and again - let your thoughts come, acknowledge them, don't give them so much credit, and then try to let them go. Replace the scary thought with "ok, but that's unnecessary/unrealistic", or whatever will work for you and apply to your situation. When you eliminate a thought, you need to have another one to put in its place, and then you need to be adamant about applying it every time. I really hope you feel better soon.


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