# One Small Step



## Guest (Dec 10, 2009)

So I had a very weird experience yesterday. I reconnected with reality. It was after my ativan wore off. Lately things have been getting really clear and my perception of everything has been changing during those periods. I think it's like tommy says it's "my brain changing channels, trying to find the right one". So instead of freaking out and taking more ativan, which I usually do during these perception shifts, I just reminded myself of what Tommy said and went with it. Well my brain tuned to the right channel because I reconnected with reality. My vision was fully connected and my personal connection kept fading in and out. I had a moment of full connection and I was terrified. A lot lately I have been feeling more and more scared of reality, which I think really speaks to the reason my brain shut down in the first place. I'm not quite sure why I'm afraid but I am and last night when I was reconnected I realized that I was back in reality and would have to deal with everything that came along with that. 
For all those of you who wonder, reality felt the same as before. I know we can't remember what it felt like but it was like something just shifted in my brain and I just became aware of it again. It did feel strange because it's not what I'm used to feeling but it also kind of felt like I never left it.
So anyways, that's my weird experience from last night. This morning I feel just different. I don't know how to describe it. Just weird. I guess we'll see how things go.


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

It's not that you're scared of reality, it's probably a build up of fear from the DP which hasn't really got anything to focus on, and perhaps an anxiety disorder underneath. 
I would quit the monitoring of how you feel all the time, and try and focus on other things. I know it's hard but you will only prolong things by constantly watching how you feel.


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## ntt89 (Nov 8, 2009)

I have those reconnection moments as well. I also have an obsessive disorder that keeps this thing fueled. As you've seen in the post you've just replied to by me, my obsessions center around perception and all that goes with it these days. 
I think this illness is a result of anxiety and anxiety is our body's attempt to compensate for the unnecessary strain we put ourselves under. The industrial/commercial/high-tech way we live is actually very new to our species and a lot of the time i would say its hard to cope. an interesting way of looking at it.


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## Guest (Dec 10, 2009)

"brain changing channels"

I like that.


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## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

I think the problem is that our neuro-transmitters job in the brain is all messed up.


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

did you ever find out what caused the chest pains?


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## Guest (Dec 11, 2009)

Well good news and bad news. Earlier I reconnected with reality for about 2 hours! There was still some brain fog sort of thing going on but I reconnected. It just felt like I crossed over some boundary and my dr went away and I just became comfortable.

Something else that I haven't experienced before is happening now though. Well, it started yesterday. The night before I found that 1 mg of ativan really helped me. So when I woke up yesterday morning I took .75 mg because I was having side effects from the lamictal that I couldn't deal with. I know I felt pretty out of it most of the morning and then around like 3 pm I started to get really disconnected. By like 5 I felt like I had gone completely numb. Then around like 7 is when things got clear again and I had my period of connecting with reality. I thought that maybe I had just overdone it with the ativan and decided that I need to wean off of it too so at bedtime I took half my dose of lamictal and .25 mg of ativan. I woke up this morning completely numb again. It lasted for a couple of hours and then I had my clear period again and reconnected with reality. Well, then we went to Ikea and it sent me back into dp and now I feel completely numb again. I don't have dr anymore. I just feel kind of like I'm going brain dead. When I talk my voice sounds quiet and far away. Anyone have any idea why this is happening? It started happening before I started reducing my doses, so I don't think it is withdrawl.


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

*converses with wall :roll:


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## Guest (Dec 11, 2009)

guest123 said:


> *converses with wall :roll:


No, I never found out what the chest pain was from..............................................................


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## iMatrixGravity (Dec 4, 2009)

i say drop this damn medication and start up on tommys natural regime. Forget these pills, they are just going to make things worse.
you should of never started taking meds, it wont help at all, it will just fuck you up internally, drop the pills.
Take the natural supplements.


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

tinyfairypeople said:


> guest123 said:
> 
> 
> > *converses with wall :roll:
> ...


Oh right, I thought you'd said it wasn't from a panic attack so assumed there'd been another diagnosis.
Maybe angina? Severe heartburn can also be horribly painful, and I know my anxiety gives me a lot of digestive symptoms.
I've also struggled with racing thoughts and trying to figure it all out. 
I can categorically state that you do return to normal, I'm almost there after 4 years and others who recovered have said the same, however I also know I never believed them.
It does come across like you are watching for and then overanalysing and posting every feeling twitch sensation etc. I would try not to focus too much on individual symptoms and let go of the desire to work it all out. I know myself how hard it is, i'm a total control freak so it was a real wrench to let go of the need to analyse the weirdness, but it gets easier with practise and for me once I understood the basic mechanism and was happy with the explanation, the details weren't so important. Also my mum, the doctor and various others showed me what a range of physical and emotional symptoms can arise from mental and emotional pain and worry. It's immense and if you tried to explain each one you'd be there for decades I reckon! 
I think for now, don't give the thoughts too much attention or time, this helps take away their seemed importance. They do naturally seem more and more silly when you start recovering. 
Also don't think about recovery in terms of days or even weeks. Try to get out of the habit of focusing on recovery over all else. It's typical that when you aren't trying to do something it tends to come along on its own,. So instead of waking up and immediately checking how you feel, try to get up and start the day instead, even if it feels fake. Don't worry about tomorrow, next week etc. One day at a time. 
And good luck!


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## ntt89 (Nov 8, 2009)

Mario said:


> I think the problem is that our neuro-transmitters job in the brain is all messed up.


Yeah man, thats definitely a factor.


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## Guest (Dec 12, 2009)

iMatrixGravity said:


> i say drop this damn medication and start up on tommys natural regime. Forget these pills, they are just going to make things worse.
> you should of never started taking meds, it wont help at all, it will just flower* you up internally, drop the pills.
> Take the natural supplements.


I tried to take tommys suppliments and had a bad reaction to the l-theanine and ended up in the emergency room. come to think of it, it did to me exactly what the lamictal is doing right now, caused me to feel like i am going numb. The l-theanine is a key part in that therapy working.


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## ntt89 (Nov 8, 2009)

guest123 said:


> Also don't think about recovery in terms of days or even weeks. Try to get out of the habit of focusing on recovery over all else. It's typical that when you aren't trying to do something it tends to come along on its own,. So instead of waking up and immediately checking how you feel, try to get up and start the day instead, even if it feels fake. Don't worry about tomorrow, next week etc. One day at a time.


Im having a lot of trouble with this one. Its hard not to think about how shitty you feel when your feeling so intensely shitty.


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## guest123 (Dec 2, 2009)

ntt89 said:


> guest123 said:
> 
> 
> > Also don't think about recovery in terms of days or even weeks. Try to get out of the habit of focusing on recovery over all else. It's typical that when you aren't trying to do something it tends to come along on its own,. So instead of waking up and immediately checking how you feel, try to get up and start the day instead, even if it feels fake. Don't worry about tomorrow, next week etc. One day at a time.
> ...


I guess, it's more about not letting it get to you and distracting yourself. It feels really fake and like it's not doing any good at first, and for quite a while, which is why people get disheartened, I know I did - but persistence really does pay off I promise!


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