# Christmas



## JossStick (Nov 8, 2005)

Christmas has never really been special for me because I had a rough childhood and I've always been very anxious, but this year is going to be even worse. I know I'm going to find it hard. So next week I'm going to the local shopping centre to see Father Christmas arrive with his reindeer, and I'm taking a week off work to try to get myself into the spirit. But it is going to be painful knowing I should be happy at that time and I'll be anything but, when I can't FEEL the joy.

Anyone else dreading Xmas?


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## Guest (Nov 20, 2005)

Yes. I have a dysfunctional family and never feel welcome. They have poor manners, rarely even say hello back to me when I walk in the door. I feel unvalued and more anxious when around them. Last Christmas I went away and so escaped the longing. This year I can't afford to and am NOT looking forward to it. I think I'll try to find some good books to read and make myself feel cosy long before the pressure sets in. My marriage is just breaking up and I am BROKE. No money=depression.


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## JossStick (Nov 8, 2005)

I'm sorry to hear that about your marriage but the good thing about Christmas is that it's nearly the new year and you can make a fresh start.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

yes i am. all family members being happy and i'm gonna either be down wishing feeling that that and then have everyone telling me to smile whats wrong or i'll have to fake being happy. i hate both choices a lot, but i might have to fake it a little.


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## Guest (Nov 21, 2005)

I can't stand holidays, in general. Anguish and endless cooking.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

I think I said this in another post. Starting this week, before Thanksgiving, and running through New Year's, I'd like to leave on a trip to any country that doesn't have Christmas, etc. Any Western holiday.

The last time I experienced this was on a trip to Morocco, years back, with my mother. It was absolutely refreshing to have NO NOTHNG going on. Life with nothing having to do with these holidays.

Also, in my family the holidays were a complete fiasco. The worst thing, that really caused tremendous anxiety for me and our housekeeper, was pretending that my father lived at the house when he didn't. "Oh, he's on an emergency call at the hospital." That excuse didn't fool my Aunt or Cousins after the second year, LOL. They dutifully brought my father gifts for years which my mother either threw away, gave away, or kept for herself.

BAH HUMBUG.
And I know Christmas is wonderful for some people. The whole holiday thing.
I want a ticket outta' here.
D


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## Guest (Nov 22, 2005)

Wow. I've never seen such a bunch of Scrooges. 'Bah humbug!' indeed.


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

Well I'm hating it for all of you.

Don't stone me, but would anyone be interested in a little volunteer
work during the holidays? Don't like your family? Go to the local retirement center and find someone who has noone. Ever been to you local children's home and spent some time durng the holidays? They love it even though they have only those things given to them by the generousity of others. Ever had a "who doesn't have anywhere to eat" get together where everyone brings a dish?

Am I just too damn PollyAnna or what? :?

I start grabbing old coats for the Kids without Coats cause. I go by the dollar store and grab a few dollar dolls and drop them off at the hospital.
I put change in the Salvation Army drive you crazy ringing that damn bell Santa's pot.

Call me a turkey gobbling, Santa loving fool if you must. I don't let others make my holidays. I make them special for me.

Hey, Hey!! Put down those rocks, ya buncha bahhumbuugers !! :wink:


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

p.s. Obviously you've never had your Great Aunt bring in your Uncle's
goat and dance on the table with it after dinner. :lol: That'll memory alone makes me love the holidays. LOL


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

My reputation as a thread killer remains intact! 8)

:lol:


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

ha! you can't kill this thread, terri*! i have 2 cents as well.

i do like my family but i'm still not a big fan of christmas. i don't like cold weather (including snow), christmas music, or the fact that i have to get every single person i know a present. i don't mind giving presents but i'd rather not have to put out that much money all at once.


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## Guest (Nov 22, 2005)

Yes I think that's part of what's bothering me. 
I hate malls and hate shopping, unless it's for antiques, and I hate the pressure of having so little cash and having to spend it on things that nobody needs. Christmas is routine now. 
I'd much rather be outdoors cross country skiing, then snugging up in a log cabin with a fire and nothing artificial around. 
Last year we went to Miami and Key West for the holidays. Christmas in a sunny climate feels like less pressure. In cold weather climates everyone needs a diversion from the gloom outside so Christmas is much bigger. 
I do love the music and the food and the cheer, but all my family members do is watch tv and eat! It's depressing so I think I'll take terri's advice and look for a volunteer position.


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## Guest (Nov 22, 2005)

terri, if I had a great aunt who would dance on a dining table with a goat, I'd be in a different family! Mine are a bunch of cheerless, jealous, tense, suspicious misanthropes who eat and watch tv every holiday. No one tries to communicate. So post more of your holiday stories and I'll pretend they're mine.


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## Guest (Nov 22, 2005)

Dreamer, was your mother a narcissist or something like that?


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Ha. Totally. I do every year. This year my mom threw a fit about how depressing our family is and decided against doing anything Christmas-related. Although I feel really guilty, I'm relieved.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

beachgirl said:


> Dreamer, was your mother a narcissist or something like that?


No one knows for sure, but she has been diagnosed by my shrinks over the years as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, High Functioning Borderline, Paranoid. Sometimes she had brief "weird episodes" where she sounded "crazy" whatever that means -- she'd make no sense to me sometimes.

She had no friends. She hated men. Hated everyone. Yada. You can read about her on my website. One day it will be a book. Probably the year before I die at 84 :shock:

... and as I always add, she was an M.D. Psychiatrist. I believe she was trying to cure herself. She was very bright, but not an intellectual. She was 100% a misanthrope, a bigot and a racist as well. She was talented, sang, played piano, built a harpsichord and a bike!, was an antique collector and a genius about that. She made her own clothes. But then she smoked generic cigarettes and generic beer. :shock: Quite a character. Hard to capture. Oh a gourmet cook, and I mean GOURMET.

Holidays were usually total Hell. And I get miserable over the holidays as there is no family. I'm an only child and am not that close to my cousins. Every one else is dead. I wish my Aunt weren't dead, my mother's sister. She'd be a goldmine of information.

My mother was abusive to everyone she knew, so I can't say I got it all. It was actually freeing to see that later in life.

Best,
D


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Ah, I never met my uncle (her brother either), barely knew my grandparents as my parents had me when they were 43 and 53 respectively.

My Aunt was a sweet, sweet woman. She died when I was a teenager.

Let's just say, Christmas was pure insanity, LOL. No one like getting together.

I must say, I DO wish everyone else a fine holiday, regardless. I know it can be wonderful, and I enjoyed going over to my friends' houses during that time.

Now and then, things would be OK.

VIOLINS PLAYING I KNOW. I don't feel angry or sad. Just pissed off, LOL.
:roll:

http://www.dreamchild.net/pred.html
About my parents/with pics etc. They were both very dashing people. I also speculate about my predisposition to my illness, which I believe was passed down to me, and then exacerbated by my life experiences.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

i cant support any holiday that kills animals in mass quantities so that fat arseholes can gorge themselves with a merry hohoho as they watch their greedy little brats open presents from an obese shmuck in a red suit. :x

no one can kill a thread like me. NO ONE. :twisted:


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## Guest (Nov 23, 2005)

Hola gang,
Don't even get me started about the whole holiday thing, especially christmas! Like some of you in here I DREAD this horrible time of year. So if you need to call me a SCROOGE, I guess it's a case of "If the shoe fits..."

Ciao,
Tony


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## Tom Servo (Sep 19, 2005)

Man, what's wrong with me? I kinda like Christmas. Santa, my old aluminum tree that embarrasses my kids, lights all over the damned place, egg nog, watching Charlie Brown and that stupid Rudolph thing, all those corny songs (esp. the barking dogs singing Jingle Bells)... I even go to midnight mass, and I'm about as catholic as Krusty the Clown. As long as I don't have to hear "Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer", eat fruit cake (gag!), or get startled in the store again by another one of those damned "Rockin' Santas"!

I have to say though that in years when my DR/DP was worse than it is now Christmas, like everything in life except being asleep, totally sucked. I know all too well why a lot of you might not exactly be in the holiday spirit.


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Terri, agree with everything you said.

I wish that one time in my life I will be able to experience a white Xmas. Most time Xmas is the most hottest and humid day. For all you northies could you imagine experiencing xmas in the summer heat?


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

I will say, I've gotten a bit into the season. Heck I'll be getting a wreath, and I got those icicle lights for my balcony window, and I have chili pepper lights for the kitchen, LOL.

Though I'm not a tree person I will also get -- my yearly ritual -- one of those lovely little rosemary trees. Makes the whole place smell lovely.

My problem also is I'm really not a Christian. If I'm anything, well, I'm non-denominational and more Jewish and Buddhist in thought and I'm really neither of those!

But I do like decorating a bit. I did like a tree when I was younger, and of course the presents.

*There is SNOW on the ground here Milan!* I remember being SO disappointed every year if we had no snow for Thanksgiving or Christmas... but here it is. But I forgot to get the window antifreeze stuff for the car.... sigh.

Cheers,
D
It's CHILLY


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

Tom said:


> my old aluminum tree that embarrasses my kids, lights all over the damned place


LOL. I have to admit, the fake trees we had were pretty ugly! We had the most hideous fake white Christmas tree that you just assemble every year. Ooooo that was really ugly. Sounds like the 1950s and 60s! :shock:

But it was fun then... yes... as a little girl.... Christmas had its moments... and I'd decorate the place like a maniac and my dog (a little Shih Tzu) had a Santa Outfit, LOLOLOLOL. She was so humilated! And I used to put reindeer antlers on the dogs in L.A.

8)


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

Milan said:


> Terri, agree with everything you said.
> 
> I wish that one time in my life I will be able to experience a white Xmas. Most time Xmas is the most hottest and humid day. For all you northies could you imagine experiencing xmas in the summer heat?


imagine it!?! i would loooovvvveee it! i need to move to australia, appearantly.


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## Guest (Nov 23, 2005)

I spent one Christmas in a town north of Auckland, NZ. We ate outside at a picnic table, wore the paper hats from our crackers and other than opening our gifts, which were few in number, it was much like any other day there. We didn't spend the day gorging ourselves. Though there were two small children there, Santa was hardly mentioned and the thought of him seemed out of place, with his warm, furry suit and black boots. No crackling fire, no nut-cracking, no platters of gooey pastries, no sledding, no contrast of cold outdoor weather with a warm cozy interior. But I really enjoyed it. I think we went to the beach at Pahia or Russell.


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## Guest (Nov 23, 2005)

Another reason I dread Christmas is that it shows the contrast between the me I should be and the me I am. The past several years I have been really underfuncioning and withdrawn, compared to how I used to be. I used to be much more social. Having friends over is a truly enjoyable experience for me despite the worries and effort involved in making everything from scratch, cleaning, etc. I was invited out to parties and I felt included. Now I don't because of dp and depression and anxiety. It's a completely different experience. I keep telling myself that by NEXT Christmas I'll have pulled myself together, but I've failed the past several years. I know people see the difference and it hurts. Yuck, but that's why I'm not looking forward to it again this year.


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## Guest (Nov 23, 2005)

I really dislike holidays in general. For me they equal grief and nonstop cooking. I have not a single good memory of a holiday and once I moved into my own house I banned Christmas trees. Although we sometimes bring pine branches in and make popcorn garlands.

Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode with "Festuvus for the rest of us?" That's what I intend to celebrate from now on... please make checks payable to The Human Fund.


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## Tom Servo (Sep 19, 2005)

OK, for all you Christmas curmudgeons, I suggest getting John Waters' book 'Crackpot' and reading the 'Why I Love Christmas' section. It's really funny. The part I remember best was where he wants to start a Santa-theme gay bar cand call it The Pole(!).


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## Guest (Nov 24, 2005)

blatantly stolen from another site, I can't take any credit...


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## shadowness (Sep 12, 2004)

beachgirl said:


> Another reason I dread Christmas is that it shows the contrast between the me I should be and the me I am. The past several years I have been really underfuncioning and withdrawn, compared to how I used to be. I used to be much more social. Having friends over is a truly enjoyable experience for me despite the worries and effort involved in making everything from scratch, cleaning, etc. I was invited out to parties and I felt included. Now I don't because of dp and depression and anxiety. It's a completely different experience. I keep telling myself that by NEXT Christmas I'll have pulled myself together, but I've failed the past several years. I know people see the difference and it hurts. Yuck, but that's why I'm not looking forward to it again this year.


That is exactly my situation too.

I used to be able to travel anywhere to see my family but now travelling is just too difficult...

This Christmas will be hard...

Last Christmas was my first with dp and dr, and it was so hard...remembering what I was like the year before and noticing the difference...

I do not feel part of my family anymore. They all seem to see me as getting better and back to my old self when I am still very much far from it. I try not to dwell on it, but remembering all the non dp and dr Christmas's made last Christmas so difficult to get into.

There have been arguments and all sorts again this year to sort out where we will all be for Christmas, whether my Mum and I stay at home and the rest of the family visit us. Or whether we travel, yet again for the 4th or 5th year running, we go up to see them. But Mum and I cannot afford it, and now they are all complaining that we cannot be bothered...using guilt to get us both to go there. It is just not right.

I feel quite fed up and distant from my family now. I hate to say it as I have always felt so very close to them all. But now they have all changed...and I certainly have changed. I see how different I am to them. I desperately just want a quiet life. But they do nothing but moan and blame.

Christmas to me is about spending time with those you love and having a calm but fun time with people that you may not have seen in ages too. A time when people can get together. Reconnect love and friendship. But every year...it just seems to be more of an effort to try and keep the peace.

The one person I so desperately want to spend Christmas with is far away from me, my boyfriend (he is in the US, me in the UK). But we will deal with it. We have to be strong I know. But it will be very hard knowing that I would just have the perfect Christmas with him, whether I be dp'ed and dr'ed or not. I know that with him, I will be happy, and will feel safe.

But this year I will just have to deal with whatever comes my way. I am looking forward to some of Christmas like seeing my sister and spending time with just her and Mum. But I know that when sitting with them, I will not feel like part of them...that is the most upsetting thing...

But I wish this Christmas to be good. And I am not going to dwell on all the bad, but focus on all the good. As much as I can. Next year things will change...


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