# I don’t know who I am



## Tonylewis1096 (Jun 21, 2018)

Hi, I just found this site and I am not sure what to do anymore. I am 44 and have battled mental disorders my entire life. I had repressed memories of childhood abuse by multiple people and I still don't remember everything. Something in me changed when I started to remember these events. I lost who I was somehow and could no longer function in life. This took several years to finally cause me to go on disability, but I still didn't understand what was happening. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Bi-polar and disassociative personality, and I am not sure if any of these really fit.

It is like my entire life does not belong to who ever is typing this, and I am not sure from one minute to the next why I am doing the things I do. I feel like other people are controlling me, but for the most part I remember almost everything that happens. Sometimes I have memories that I am not sure are real and it kind of scares me. My sister claimed she was a victim of credit card fraud, but I can't say that it wasn't me, or some other state of me, and I am ashamed of that. I might have memories of doing someting like this, but I am not sure. I feel like people have been to my apartment but I don't know who they were or even if it is real to begin with? I feel like I am controlled by other peoples emotions, I feel dead inside myself. I am again seeking help from a physiologist who originally said I had disassociative personality, she said she could help me. I don't really know if this is the case, but I am out of answers, and I am really tired of all of it. I feel like I am cray. I have no idea who this is that is typing this, who ever this person is has been shut up for a long time. I guess the others that control my actions don't think I am capable of handling life, and maybe they are right. I have lost everything. I had a very high paying job, but I could not hold on to it. I didn't know how. I think it was someone else's life I was trying to live. That resume did not belong to this person, but someone else. It sounds all to crazy for me, but if anyone understands what I am talking about please tell me.


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## inferentialpolice (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes all that you've related would be entirely consistent with someone suffering from a "higher-order" dissociative condition such as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). In terms of perspective, you might benefit from reading the book "Stranger in the Mirror: Dissociation, the hidden Epidemic", with an amazon link here:

https://www.amazon.com/Stranger-Mirror-Marlene-Steinberg-M-D/dp/0060954876

In the research underlying that book, it was determined that DP symptoms are ubiquitous in those suffering from DID. Conversely, many presenting with DP are in fact suffering from a greater dissociative condition, for instance where memory for autobiographical history is affected, or by identity confusion, either of which when added to DP symptoms is suggestive of the spectrum diagnosis OSDD (what used to be called DDNOS in DSM5). (That is, assuming a psychological etiology for one's symptoms)

I am aware of a number of DID cases with presentations quite resonant with what you've described as your own experience.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Tonylewis1096 said:


> Hi, I just found this site and I am not sure what to do anymore. I am 44 and have battled mental disorders my entire life. I had repressed memories of childhood abuse by multiple people and I still don't remember everything. Something in me changed when I started to remember these events. I lost who I was somehow and could no longer function in life. This took several years to finally cause me to go on disability, but I still didn't understand what was happening. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Bi-polar and disassociative personality, and I am not sure if any of these really fit.
> 
> It is like my entire life does not belong to who ever is typing this, and I am not sure from one minute to the next why I am doing the things I do. I feel like other people are controlling me, but for the most part I remember almost everything that happens. Sometimes I have memories that I am not sure are real and it kind of scares me. My sister claimed she was a victim of credit card fraud, but I can't say that it wasn't me, or some other state of me, and I am ashamed of that. I might have memories of doing someting like this, but I am not sure. I feel like people have been to my apartment but I don't know who they were or even if it is real to begin with? I feel like I am controlled by other peoples emotions, I feel dead inside myself. I am again seeking help from a physiologist who originally said I had disassociative personality, she said she could help me. I don't really know if this is the case, but I am out of answers, and I am really tired of all of it. I feel like I am cray. I have no idea who this is that is typing this, who ever this person is has been shut up for a long time. I guess the others that control my actions don't think I am capable of handling life, and maybe they are right. I have lost everything. I had a very high paying job, but I could not hold on to it. I didn't know how. I think it was someone else's life I was trying to live. That resume did not belong to this person, but someone else. It sounds all to crazy for me, but if anyone understands what I am talking about please tell me.


I would suggest you speak to a decent psychiatrist....Nobody on here can diagnose you...But we all can try and support you and maybe share experiences and coping mechanisms...DP can be co morbid with alot of other mental health conditions...

You should also maybe read up on CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) It might be of interest to you....

Please go easy on yourself and try to reduce your stress levels in all areas of your life....


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