# Someone please help.



## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I'm so uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable being alive, and in my human form.. I can't stand looking at my body parts, because they seemed weird and strange and foreign&#8230; but I've had this body for 30 years, how can it seem foreign or unusual?

I no longer remember life before DP/DR&#8230; I can't remember a time where life is good, so I can hold onto that memory and tell myself that it might come back&#8230; It is true that DP/DR truly infects your past. I feel like I have always had it. Even though I know I haven't. Or have I? I don't know. I don't know the difference between what's real and what is fake.

My memories come in to my mind, I get sad and scared, because they do not feel like mine at all. Not even a little bit. Not even slightly familiar.

I don't have good days. It has never improved, not even one minute&#8230; It has gotten worse, every day, for 4 months now.

I've tried every single thing that has ever been suggested. Yoga, exercise, diet, vitamins, therapy, meditation, affirmations, CBT, DBT&#8230; The only thing I have not tried is medication, and that's because I have nearly bankrupted myself with therapy already, I cannot afford to add an actual psychiatrist to the list. Not to mention, I have heard the medication makes this worse&#8230;

I truly believe that one day I will wake up and have no idea who I am, or what I am... I have zero connection to whatever version of myself existed prior to DP/DR.

My family, friends, boyfriend, home, job, and neighborhood, all seem unfamiliar and foreign.

I find it impossible to believe that my actual reality- the things that I can see and taste and touch and hear - can all change just because of some chemical imbalance in my mind. I truly believe it must be something worse than dp/dr..

I'm starting to question whether my memories even happened. 90% of the time I really do feel, and sometimes believe, that I am the only person in the world&#8230; I can't understand that there are seven BILLION individual lives being led in this world, and all I know is this room. Or at my house. Or in my car.. I can only verify what happens in the places that I am at, or the things I am a part of. Please tell me that make sense to someone else, I have so much trouble articulating that particular thought? Or how I appear, two other people, or through someone else's eyes.

I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold on. I consider suicide all the time but I am honestly terrified that this ISNT actually reality, and that something actually DOES happen after death, and I will feel like this even if I am successful in taking my life. (Please do not respond with a bunch of comments telling me to spare myself, because I assure you I'm not going to do it&#8230; I just think about it.)

I don't seem to have anxiety attacks anymore. I don't feel that familiar bubble of anxiety in my stomach anymore&#8230; people say that DP/DR is caused by anxiety, but I don't feel anxiety anymore. Which furthers my belief that it is something much worse that is wrong with me.

I'm beginning to question everything. Like If the things I'm seeing and hearing and tasting and touching are actually happening. If I'm laid up in a coma somewhere. If this is all a dream. If my life before was ruled by an alter personality. I literally do not know what is real and what is fake anymore.

It's beginning to destroy my life, and I can't function. Please someone tell me what to do. Someone please reassure me if you have had these exact symptoms. This is not life&#8230; This is not living. I seriously cannot do this anymore.


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## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

I can relate word by word and feel the same...word by word. Idk what to do anymore either after a year and a half almost im just letting it be there even though i know its going to stay consistent but theres really nothing i can do. And no its not negative thinking its fact based on the experience itself. Honestly this is the weirdest most horrofying indescribable thing i have ever went through but at the end i truly believe that god will never let any human being (the ones that believe in him) go through this without there being something rewarding at the end. Whether its in this life or the next. Getting life back would be something id be grateful for till my grave after this disorder took everything away from me. But till that day comes we just have to be patient


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## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

And when u said u feel uncomfotable being alive i know exactly what u mean. Just sitting by myself where theres no one or anything that should make me uncomfortable in reality makes me uncomfortable. I constantly feel naked like theres nothing in and outside of me to make me feel safe and warm its very uncomfortable. And same with me i have no anxiety.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

Hey Sam, you are not alone. I feel so uncomfortable being alive and being a human. I really hope that it wasn't my post that made you obsess about what happens after death. I tought I was the only one with this absurd fear, I am afraid that when I die I will be stick between dimensions, or in some other conscious form that will still be so uncomfortable and that I won't find peace and be stick in a limbo. It's the ultimate fear, I think it can't get any deeper than that ( I very much hope so). It's been almost 2 years for me.

As for the medication, it helps a lot of people. It actually really helepd me while I was taking it, I wasn't recovered but I was like 50%better, I felt better and more comfortable. If there is no other option there is nothing wrong with taking that road. I also consider getting back on it although it made me gain a lot of weight. But I can't see any other option anymore. It doesn't cure you but it mask the symptoms.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Thanks guys. No it wasn't your post&#8230; It's just that I want out of this feeling so badly. That I'm starting to doubt that even death can take it away&#8230; We live our whole lives thinking that death is the worst thing that could ever happen, because it's the LAST thing that can ever happen.. But then something like this happens, and you realize there are things much worse than death&#8230; Like being alive and being afraid of it. And the fear that it's going to last forever, makes you really consider what forever means. We are already questioning reality, why wouldn't we question what happens after reality, like death? Sometimes I hope that a terrible freak accident takes me, since I'm too much of a wussy to end my life myself. I'm starting to realize that I can never unthink these things that I have thought, and therefore life will never be the same, even if I do recover.... I just want out...

And I know it's supposed to make me feel better, reading everyone's words&#8230; But I can't verify any of you&#8230; It's still ME going through this over here, alone, in my head, feeling like I'm the only person in the whole world&#8230; And that makes me feel really alone. Which makes the thoughts so much more possibly truthful&#8230; like about being the only person in the world, or about being God, or about being in the matrix, or the Truman show or something&#8230; It's such a vicious cycle&#8230; I can't handle this anymore.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I know it doesn't really help when you know that other people go through something similar, because it's not THE SAME, everyone is different and everyone's symptoms are different because our brains are different. It's still anxiety though, fear is anxiety. Mine started going from anxiety into despair. I even had an awful obsessive thought today that I am the devil, the real devil which Christians fear that much, I thought may be I am it and I don't know it. It sounds ridiculous and absurd, but yes, this is what anxiety makes us think. And I know what you mean that you think you will never be the same, as if you discovered something that can't be unknown anymore. Like a sixth sense or something, like new awareness of your consciousness ( that is how it's for me) I don't even the the classic dp symptoms like detachment or being in a bubble- because these symptoms go away,they did for me.


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## mayathebee (Dec 15, 2014)

sunshinita said:


> And I know what you mean that you think you will never be the same, as if you discovered something that can't be unknown anymore. Like a sixth sense or something, like new awareness of your consciousness ( that is how it's for me)


Yes, this is EXACTLY how I feel. Like I've uncovered the truth about the universe and existence (that it's all an illusion) and that I can never unthink these thoughts. That I will be alone, in my head, with them forever.


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## mayathebee (Dec 15, 2014)

Sam1814 said:


> But I can't verify any of you&#8230; It's still ME going through this over here, alone, in my head, feeling like I'm the only person in the whole world&#8230; And that makes me feel really alone. Which makes the thoughts so much more possibly truthful&#8230; like about being the only person in the world, or about being God, or about being in the matrix, or the Truman show or something&#8230; It's such a vicious cycle&#8230; I can't handle this anymore.


Yes to all of this. I feel the same way. Especially the part about being alone in the universe. This is what depresses me the most. The idea that the people in my life that I love may not be real.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I have asked so many people that exact question "how can you unthink these thoughts? Where do these thoughts go after recovery?" And everyone says that they never go away, they just lose the ability to scare you… And that is the most unhelpful thing I have ever heard. Because it is unfathomable to me. Literally inconceivable. Absolutely impossible… The kicker is, even if I recover, I will still be alone forever. Alone in my mind. Alone behind my eyes. Alone in this body. This fact will remain unchanged for all eternity- I cannot prove or verify ANYONE or ANYTHING except for myself.....So how will it ever lose its ability to scare me?


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## mayathebee (Dec 15, 2014)

I know. It's very scary and depressing.


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## WorkingOnIt (Oct 10, 2014)

I think it works like this: are you afraid of a giant catfish in the sky that makes the planet turn? There is no indication of this and I am not scared one bit of it. The solipsism idea is equally abstract, but we're buying into it too much. In effect, we're scared so we believe it. If we aren't scared, we don't believe it. Not to mention it FEELS true because of a perceptual change. Without that perceptual shift, everything is different


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

It's scary because it can't be disproved. It really really can't.


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## SantosB (Jun 4, 2014)

Oh Sam. I understand you so well. I suffered DPDR from April 1988 till last November 2014.

In 2012 fortunately someone told me about the word "derealization"... then I found out I was not alone.

After knowing that many others were suffering the same symptoms than me I started to do a daily walking to connect with MY WORLD, and with MY PAST.

My first tip to get over DPDR is doing a "sensory walking" every evening, just half an hour. Just to watch and hear and NOT THINKING WITH WORDS.

You can find all the exercises I did to overcome this annoying DPDR in my blog,, under these lines in my signature.

I hope those exercises can help you too.

Good luck!!


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## WorkingOnIt (Oct 10, 2014)

Sam you're ignoring the literally infinite number of things which can't be disproved. This thing is NOT a part of you. This is an intrusive thought. this problem doesn't exist when you don't think about it. So many people have thought about this, and not been attached to it. You are more than your thoughts. You can only trust your perception, and that's not a problem. All else is a concept in your head. Try watching the video on the front page of these forums.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I have tried the "changing your thinking pattern" techniques all day, every day. Obviously I'm missing something. It's not working.


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## BrinksBeTrippin (Mar 26, 2015)

im stuck on the same thing sam its a lonely fuckin thought thinking that nothing might exist.... its all too weird bro... i wish i never even thought of it in the first place


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I wish I could remember life before this.. Just feel like my old self again for a single moment. Just so I know she's still there, so therefore I can get back to being her.. But as I type this out on my phone in bed, I feel like a newborn. No past, no connections, no understanding.. I don't have those fleeing moments of normalcy that other people speak of. I'm envious of them. I'm so far past hopelessness, I don't know where I am anymore. I can't even tell you what normal is, I just know that this isn't it.


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## Irene (Nov 13, 2014)

I can relate to all of you guys.My question is do any of you guys have a job or career?If so, how do you guys deal with this day in and day out? I'm so fucking tired of feeling these sensations at my job.I feel like I'm so fucking crazy and I feel like my co workers feel the same way about me too.I can't hold a conversation with them, I feel like I don't make sense when I talk, even though I might...I'm just not sure.I question everything I do, yet forget details of my day.I cant recall events when Im asked. I go to work everyday yet it looks so different for different reasons everyday.I've been dealing with this for two years now and I can't shake it.I feel like something if majorly wrong with my brain, like I have a tumor or cancer or something.I'm really starting to get depressed.I went to the docs to see if I could get a brain scan or something and he told me it was just anxiety and wants me to see a therapist.I haven't yet, I just can't seem to find the time.Something has to change for me! I feel like I'm gonna fucking lose it any moment like I'm hanging on by a thread.I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.


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## THEDerekHardin (Mar 24, 2014)

Here's the thing. You're worrying way too much. You're fine & you're gonna be fine. All these crazy thoughts and ideals are bullshit. None of them are ever going to happen. I know exactly how you feel & I'm sure you're thinking "no you don't," but I do. I promise I do.

Understand this. You have depersonalization disorder and THATS IT. Plenty of people assume it's far worse than that (& I'm sure in some extremely rare cases there could be some validity to those claims) but the thing is.. nothing is wrong with you. Those thoughts in your DP/DR'd state of mind are completely normal. Tens of thousands of people across the world have all had this disorder before you and not one, NOT A SINGLE ONE, ever managed to change reality in any way. Even if you wanted to, you couldnt! Go on. Try it. It's impossible. Period. None of their crazy thoughts ever happened. And neither will yours.

As for the dude above me going on about "proving this is real" or whatever, here's the truth: there is no way to prove any of this is real. BUT, there is no way to prove it ISN'T real either. The way I see it, it's much easier to accept these events as real than fake. And if your thoughts aren't at least real.. then idunno what is.

Nothing ever really changes while you're DPDR'd. It's just the way you look at things. Stop worrying so much & just relaxe. Breathe a little. Live your life as if nothing is wrong. As hard as it may be, keep pushing through & don't ever give up. You have to give yourself a chance - Don't FORCE RECOVERY, let it happen on its own.

It's going to take some time. A lot of people want it over with ASAP, & that's understandable but more often than not it just doesn't happen that way. It's a process. But I promise you that with discipline, willpower, PATIENCE (I can't stress that enough) & a *teeny-tiny* bit of luck... you'll get through it and recover. I promise. Just take things a day at a time. Change the way you think, stop caring as much about it, stop worrying about it, stay positive & I promise you'll beat it.

How do I know? Because I slayed that dragon. It's over and it's in the past. So you can do it too. Have faith. You got this.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I don't think any of us are trying to change reality. I think we just believe that reality has already changed.. And to us, it has.


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## Irene (Nov 13, 2014)

THEDerekHardin...So, what do you do when everything actually looks so unfamiliar...like you don't recognize it? What do you when you are expected to answer questions in a professional way but your mind is blank and you can't spit out the words to save your life?What do you do when you can't remember ANYTHING? How did you "slay this dragon"? I don't WANT to feel this way anymore.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

Yes. What Rex said.. What do you do when you have to sign for a delivery and you forget your own name for a moment? Or when someone calls to you, and it takes a second to acknowledge that it's you they want? What do you do when your memories pop into your head, and it makes you physically ill, because they don't feel like yours? Or how about when you have to type out these posts and watching your own fingers/body parts scares you?


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