# DP vision driving me crazy



## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

Hey all,

I just got back from travelling SE Asia for five months and as someone who suffers from anxiety, ocd and a bit of depression, the constant change of surroundings for me was very stressful.

About 3/4 into the trip I started getting what I can only describe as depersonalisation. I'd be scared to look in the mirror because I didn't know who was in control of the person looking back at me. I'd also question reality and have a real fear that I was losing the plot/going psychotic.

One day after getting a particularly stressful night bus and having no sleep. I noticed everything seemed to be spaced out and not in focus. I practically have 20/20 vision and still read and see everything fine. From then on (2 months ago roughly) I've had spaced out vision like I can't focus my eyes on anything and it kinda feels like I'm slightly drunk or that there's fog everywhere.

I got home recently and thought eveuthing would settle down but it hasn't and it's driving me crazy. I know the symptoms are mental not physical so feel going to a doctor wouldn't help much - hell from what I've read other people with similar symptoms seem to have nowhere to turn in regards to ANY health professionals.

I'm eating healthy, meditating and trying to take things slow but the blurred vision persists even when I'm of sound mind.

Got some reason the symptoms get worse when I'm outside, especially when the weather is dull/grey

What the hell do I do people because it's driving me crazy!


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## something6789 (Oct 7, 2013)

Amac40 said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I just got back from travelling SE Asia for five months and as someone who suffers from anxiety, ocd and a bit of depression, the constant change of surroundings for me was very stressful.
> 
> ...


You can have 20/20 vision on an eyechart and have other problems with your eyesight. Where are you staying now?


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm staying back with my dad in his house. I was living alone in London for three years prior to this.


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

I feel like I might be better off in Britain. You guys have the right to speak English in pompous way, because you have the most succinct and insightful phrases for everything.

Anyway, your experience at the moment sounds a lot like mine. It sounds like you have some experience with depression/anxiety, so you are able to calm yourself down, look at the dissociation and say, "Hey...what is going on here?" Maybe you should get checked out for safe measure, but what you're describing sounds exactly like dissociation, and what I have been going through the past few days: light fog over everything, stranger in the mirror, losing the plot...

"What the hell can I do people? It's driving me crazy!" There are about three professionals you should see. Where is "your dad's house"?


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## something6789 (Oct 7, 2013)

Amac40 said:


> I'm staying back with my dad in his house. I was living alone in London for three years prior to this.


I have 20/20 vision and 20/15 vision in my left and right eye (respectively) and I went and got a comprehensive eye exam from an OEP. It turns out I have a whole host of problems with my eyesight. My left eye and right eye (basically) stopped working together so I get signal suppression in my right eye. Eventually this made that eye worse and worse and worse (I'm 32 now) and now my right eye is all screwede up and goes in and out of focus. I get extreme light sensitivty and have only recently gotten my depth perception back. I'm now doing something called "vision therapy" and it's slowly but surely helping me get my vision back to being something somewhat normal so I can go to the grocery store without getting dizzy. Might be worth looking into.


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

Surfer Rosa said:


> I feel like I might be better off in Britain. You guys have the right to speak English in pompous way, because you have the most succinct and insightful phrases for everything.
> 
> Anyway, your experience at the moment sounds a lot like mine. It sounds like you have some experience with depression/anxiety, so you are able to calm yourself down, look at the dissociation and say, "Hey...what is going on here?" Maybe you should get checked out for safe measure, but what you're describing sounds exactly like dissociation, and what I have been going through the past few days: light fog over everything, stranger in the mirror, losing the plot...
> 
> "What the hell can I do people? It's driving me crazy!" There are about three professionals you should see. Where is "your dad's house"?


Thank you for your reply. The English do indeed have some delightful turns of phrases 

My dad's house is near Birmingham in the UK. Can I ask, what three professionals should I be seeing? It's nice to know someone else has/is going through the same thing. I'm trying to get my own online business off the ground and this is seriously hindering things. Now I'm home My DP/DR symptoms have subsided a lot yet the vision has remained which I don't get.


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

something6789 said:


> I have 20/20 vision and 20/15 vision in my left and right eye (respectively) and I went and got a comprehensive eye exam from an OEP. It turns out I have a whole host of problems with my eyesight. My left eye and right eye (basically) stopped working together so I get signal suppression in my right eye. Eventually this made that eye worse and worse and worse (I'm 32 now) and now my right eye is all screwede up and goes in and out of focus. I get extreme light sensitivty and have only recently gotten my depth perception back. I'm now doing something called "vision therapy" and it's slowly but surely helping me get my vision back to being something somewhat normal so I can go to the grocery store without getting dizzy. Might be worth looking into.


Oh wow I always thought the only way your eyesight could get worse is via blurred vision if that makes sense. The feeling dizzy in the grocery store thing resonates with me. I was in a clothes store yesterday and felt like my head was spinning! Not very nice at all.

I am seeing a general practicioner today to get checked out. Thank you so much for your reply


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

Check-up at a physician, to rule out physical causes (you may be sent to a neurologist, and get your eyes+ears checked by your physician)
Evaluation from a psychiatrist (careful they aren't on some nonsense)
Meetings with a therapist (make sure they aren't on some weird stuff)


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

Surfer Rosa said:


> Check-up at a physician, to rule out physical causes (you may be sent to a neurologist, and get your eyes+ears checked by your physician)
> Evaluation from a psychiatrist (careful they aren't on some nonsense)
> Meetings with a therapist (make sure they aren't on some weird stuff)


Thank you for this. I will be doing all three of the things you advised. What's annoying is that the DP/DR symptoms have subsided a lot yet this horrible vision still remains. I have this feeling that my vision will always be like this and this scares the hell out of me/makes me awfully depressed.

In typical NHS fashion, I got sent away from my local doctors this morning and told to come back tomorrow (too many patients, not enough doctors) but will keep everyone informed on this thread as any developments happen.


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## Mark55 (Feb 11, 2016)

Im not sure if I have DP, but my vision and concentration is laser focus. Not sure though.


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

Everyone has different symptoms, Mark.

Good to hear you are seeing the appropriate docs. One thing that helped me with my DP vision (not sure about yours yet) was to realize that it was subjective, and to try and find triggers.

For example: "Those lights are white and sort of cause an eerie glow. I can look at this red card I have seen many times and notice that my color vision is actually fine."


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

Hi all. Short update:

I saw my GP on Tuesday and was assured there was nothing physically wrong with me. Assuming I get the all-clear from an opticians I guess the only option remaining is to seek therapy and work through it?

I realise regarding DP vision that when I'm not ruminating about it, it doesn't affect me. At the moment it's the first thing I think about when I wake up. Having said that sometimes im not sure if actually having this weird vision triggers the ruminating or the other way round. It's difficult to tell.

Logic States that nothing has physically changed at all since my stressful period travelling (the 2nd most stressful time of my life after my mum dying). One of my main worries was that if my vision got so bad I couldn't play soccer again but I've played for the last week and it hasnt worsened my somewhat already mediocre skills in the slightest.

It actually doesn't impact my life in any way, it's just uncomfortable and with it brings some pretty depressive rumination. When things feel spaced out I can't help but think it's preventing me from all the things I want to do in life.


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

There are ways through the discomfort, Amac. Please, don't be disheartened. We'll all make it through.


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## Saschasascha (Dec 17, 2015)

Amac40, you mentioned OCD... Can you explain your OCD more in detail. I myself suffered fromvery severe OCD basically all my life till recently ( thanks to Luvox and CBT! ) and I have my own theory of some peoples Derealization. For me, I'm sure, the OCD was cause of DR. It's some weird mix of obsessive hyperfocus on symptoms, your environment and basically a brain that gets stuck in gear all the time (read the book Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz!  ) that leads to the symptoms. I could be totally wrong in your case, but when you mentioned OCD and the fact that you somehow only really notice the symptoms when your focuse it my OCD-alarm glocks belled 

Excuse me for my english, I'm from Germany


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

Saschasascha said:


> Amac40, you mentioned OCD... Can you explain your OCD more in detail. I myself suffered fromvery severe OCD basically all my life till recently ( thanks to Luvox and CBT! ) and I have my own theory of some peoples Derealization. For me, I'm sure, the OCD was cause of DR. It's some weird mix of obsessive hyperfocus on symptoms, your environment and basically a brain that gets stuck in gear all the time (read the book Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz!  ) that leads to the symptoms. I could be totally wrong in your case, but when you mentioned OCD and the fact that you somehow only really notice the symptoms when your focuse it my OCD-alarm glocks belled
> 
> Excuse me for my english, I'm from Germany


Thank you for your reply and don't be down on yourself about your english it is sehr gut!

Basically I've had ocd for most of my life but it really went into over drive after my mum died almost 10 years ago (im 25 now for context). Since then I've had POCD, HOCD, contamination OCD and everything in between. I believe my DP started about half way into my trip in SE Asia. Whilst in Bangkok I remember being really drunk and looking into a mirror and scaring myself half to death. I'd look in the mirror and think 'who is that?!' Then make stupid faces and fear I wasn't in control and/or possessed. From then on it steamrolled into me fearing I was going crazy. If something happened that I couldn't undersand, it would drive me NUTS.

Example, I thought I saw a friend I knew on the street in pai, thailand (awesome place to go if you ever get the chance by the way) but didn't manage to shout him over and get his attention. Later on facebook I messaged him and was like 'mate I saw you today are you in pai?!' And he said 'I swear to god that wasn't me, I'm still in XXX' and proved it to me with a receipt from a local store in a different town he's visited that day.

Anyway, it drove me mental and had me ruminating about my sanity.

A few weeks passed and whilst trying to keep myself in check, I started questioning reality and started to get really bad brain fog. People would say things to me and I just wouldn't take in what they said. At first I thought it was my hearing so it would make a point noting EXACTLY what everyone was saying at all times to me. If I missed a word of what they said, I HAD to know what it was.

A couple of days later (and this in when the vision kicked in) I took a particularly stressful night bus to sihounikville, Cambodia. I got off the bus really tired and had been freaking myself out during the journey because I thought a sign for the bus' wifi password had moved in the night.

I got to my hostel and I remember going into my room, going into the bathroom and thinking 'woah this feels like a dream, this room doesn't feel like it actually exists'. I had a couple of hours nap, woke up and opened the door the bright sun light and the whole open space next to the hostel looked so blurry and weird to me. A couple of days later it really kicked in and by the time I got to my next destination I didn't want to leave my hotel room because being outside made my DP vision worse (for some reason).

Anyway, I've been obsessing about it ever since and on the plane back to the UK got some real bad existential rumination. I kept thinking 'there is literally no point to life if we're all going to die anyway'. Even home now I find myself getting weirded out when I talk - it's like I'm noticing myself talk whilst im doing it. It's a hard feeling to explain but those with DP will probably understand.

But the good news is, today whilst walking my dog I had the staunch realisation that my vision was completely fine and it was more that everything FELT spaces out but didn't look spaced out. As soon as I came to that realisation it made things a lot easier as I could just attribute it to DP symptoms which will go away with time.

I'm sure there will be some days where I'll be back to square one and be like 'oh god my vision is going!' Etc but today gave me a bit of hope at least.

Anyway, apologies for the essay. Thanks again for your reply!


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## Saschasascha (Dec 17, 2015)

Amac40,

it was quite a nice essay  and all of the things you are experiencing soun very much like OCD and anxiety. You're definitely not going crazy and I can a 100% relate to every word you have written down. because I had all forms of it myself (POCD, HOCD, existential ruminations, fear of going crazy (lil bit Schiz OCD), getting stuck on thoughts. I'm pretty sure the DR and DP are a byproduct of it. Appreciate it that you are getting better! Stay motivated. You're on the right path! 

BTW: As I mentioned in my previous post, I believe that in some OCD cases (as in yours and as in mine) we are getting stuck on thoughts and the correlating emotions and its as if our whole consciousness is still attached to those brain loop and we can't fully "flow" into a new room ( I hope you understand what I mean)


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## Amac40 (Feb 7, 2016)

UPDATE:

Hey guys!

Been a while since I posted and the good news is (at least for me anyway), that my DP symptoms have subsided a lot.

I don't want to get ahead of myself and tempt fate but these last 72 hours I've seen a marked improvement. I realised over last weekend that my vision was fine and that it was the DP that was making everything seem hazy and dreamlike. Hence I first interpreted this haziness as poor vision.

Up until Tuesday things felt really dream-like and after going to the gym and grabbing some food with an old friend, something strange happened. After focusing and I guess, being mindful of our conversation and nothing else, I noticed (or rather didn't notice) that my symptoms subsided. I've recently started my own business and done extra hours of work for my Dad at his office and after going to the gym and catching up with an old friend, I realised that when I threw myself head first into things and did my best not to focus on the symptoms, they started to get better.

After getting home that night, things felt clear for the first time in about two months. It's a weird sensation to explain but with DP/DR for me, it feels almost like a constant pressure is on my head which limits my vision, my hearing and makes me feel disconnected. That night, it was like the pressure had been alleviated and my sense of being and awareness of what was around me came back. It felt great!

I woke up Wednesday still with DP symptoms but it bothered me a lot less and by Friday I felt what I can constitute as 'normal'. I found myself worrying about problems associated with my new business which was when I realised I was getting better i.e. worrying about more trivial things than the DP. I'm about 80% of the way there if I had to guess and can only put down my improvement to 'soldiering on' and getting on with my life, no matter how hard it has been at times. Meditation has also helped A LOT and helps calm me down when DP is getting too much.

I'd like to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to everyone that has commented on this post and helped me through this so far (not saying it's quite over yet) and I hope what I've gone through will be a useful resource to someone in the future who finds this thread and is experiencing something similar.


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