# From revered extrovert to emotionless introvert



## awkwardwool (Dec 29, 2012)

For twenty years of my life, I've been very creative, intelligent, very in tune with my emotions as well as those of others, and I had the capacity to relate to others and have a laugh.

That's gone now. A couple months ago, after leading a drugless life, I decided I would try weed. I smoked it pretty often with friends, and we'd sit around and bullshit, talk philosophy, and do pretty average stoner things.

It was then that I was aware that I was making a conscious step in getting away from the self I knew.

Weed began to give me panic attacks that would fire off every flight mechanism in my head, making me fearful. My mind felt like it was crashing.

At the same time of my quitting weed after an intense panic attack that left me thinking my brain had split in two, I became afflicted with an infection in my epididymis. The pain was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. The infection spread, infecting my prostate, and I've been in physical pain for the past 6 months, chronically because of this.

I no longer have many emotions or empathy, I feel like I'm not looking through my own eyes, and I can't think as fluidly as I used to. Words don't come easy, I can't follow stories, watch a show and understand it, play a game and enjoy it, or even follow a conversation. It's like my ability to read in between the lines and use intuition to gauge a situation has been squelched from me entirely.

It's like all the joy has been sucked from my life and all I can think is that I wished it upon myself with my moral abandonment.

Between the weed smoking, the infection (which also lowered my testosterone I discovered), and the pain, I've become a person I consider to be literally unrecognizable to my "normal", prior self.

I feel no love for anything, I do not retain as much information as I used to, and I can't really refer to myself in the present tense, always in the past for embarrassment of the lesser me I have become. I feel dead inside, and the worst part is, is that people knew me well as the happy self I used to be, and now I just stay inside and wait for some kind of resolve which never comes. Like I'm waiting for my old self to walk through the door and repossess this empty vessel.

I was on my way to becoming an actor, a musician, and the artist I've always wanted to be since I was a kid. Now I literally do not remember how to feel those things, and I can't help but feel it will never return.

I've lost hope that my creativity and empathy, intellect and sense of humor will ever return. I was finally at a point where I really liked myself, and it was ripped from me so fast.

Is there hope that my real self will return? I feel like I've been living one big long miserable dream. I want to know what it is to feel again.


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## peanut butter (Nov 9, 2012)

How was your childhood?


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## Guest (Dec 29, 2012)

This is common for us. This is similar to my situation too.


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## AussiePheonix (Dec 5, 2012)

Your account certainly struck a chord with me. You have captured the changes this makes to our lives well. Fuck DP!


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Oh no welcome to DP land









I was like u I wished my humour would return and all I got was panic whenever my laugh came up and a choking feeling in my throat


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## ValadhielRose (Jan 13, 2013)

Noticing a pattern in many of these stories... Cannabis is a frequent trigger.


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