# what makes a person kill themself



## sonnl (Apr 15, 2009)

i really dont fucking get it, because obviously its not just desire. theirs nothing more i want in life than to just fucking end it already. i could give two shits about the dp, thats not even the worst thing in my life for some reason.
im so fucking fed up.
but anyway, i really want to know what the difference is between someone who commits suicide, and someone whos suicidal?
as much as i hold a knife to my wrist i cant just cut, and its really pissing me off.

id also like to go out shooting, i think then it would be easier to die, but ironically i cant afford a gun. i cant afford pills either, which i wouldnt mind either.

why is suicide so fucking expensive? lol


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

This is not a question you need to be asking yourself. You need to find a reason to live. There is always a reason to live even if you cannot see it right now.


----------



## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

I don't know.

But I feel the same. I won't even consider it though, because of my mom.


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Tell me. What reasons do you have to kill yourselves. Im all for personal choice but im pissed that we have a society where people become suicidal for non-psychotic reasons.


----------



## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

Inzom said:


> This is not a question you need to be asking yourself. You need to find a reason to live. There is always a reason to live even if you cannot see it right now.


I am totally with Inzom on this. I know how terrible dp is obviously as we all do. I am sorry you are thinking this way today. I am having a bad day today, and feel really overwhelmed with my lot in life. Hmmm...I will try and brainstorm to think of reasons to go on and continue living.


----------



## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

sonnl said:


> i really dont fucking get it, because obviously its not just desire. theirs nothing more i want in life than to just fucking end it already. i could give two shits about the dp, thats not even the worst thing in my life for some reason.
> im so fucking fed up.
> but anyway, i really want to know what the difference is between someone who commits suicide, and someone whos suicidal?
> as much as i hold a knife to my wrist i cant just cut, and its really pissing me off.
> ...


It sounds like you really don't want to commit suicide, am I right or wrong on this?


----------



## sonnl (Apr 15, 2009)

lol!


----------



## sonnl (Apr 15, 2009)

2deepathinker said:


> It sounds like you really don't want to commit suicide, am I right or wrong on this?


idk what i wanna do, i just dont want to live no more, i dont want to die either, but the other option seems a lot better, im no jesus lol


----------



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

sonnl said:


> *as much as i hold a knife to my wrist i cant just cut, and its really pissing me off.*


Again, I go back to self-control on this. You are not impulsive. Something in the back of your mind isn't allowing you to go through with the act. Again...just my opinion.

Sonnl, do you remember that conversation we had in the chatroom awhile ago?? When you were telling me about your life when you first got DP. How you went out every night, had a job, had a girlfriend, and a nice car? Remember you told me that your goal was to join the Army someday? Those dreams and goals you have in your heart are still attainable. No joke. I know you are not in a good place right now, and I know that your living circumstances aren't the greatest, but please look back on your life, and think to yourself, ''hey, maybe I can achieve some happiness like I had in the past." Don't give up. My grandma always used to tell me in my darkest days, "When there's a will, there's a way."


----------



## Tanith (May 29, 2008)

sonnl said:


> idk what i wanna do, i just dont want to live no more, i dont want to die either, but the other option seems a lot better, im no jesus lol


Thats what makes this a living hell for some people. You just want it all to end and can't bare going on any longer but you don't want to die either so essentially your stuck. I'm in the same boat atm but good old fashion fear of the unknown of what happens when you die is what is keeping me here.


----------



## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

Tanith said:


> Thats what makes this a living hell for some people. You just want it all to end and can't bare going on any longer but you don't want to die either so essentially your stuck. I'm in the same boat atm but good old fashion fear of the unknown of what happens when you die is what is keeping me here.


Me, too! I rather deal with the fear of what I know, versus the fear of what I don't (death).


----------



## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

sonnl said:


> idk what i wanna do, i just dont want to live no more, i dont want to die either, but the other option seems a lot better, im no jesus lol


Hello! I was thinking about you tonight. I am not religious, but am definitely spiritual. It can be helpful to surrender your life to a higher power of some sort. What do you think?


----------



## sonnl (Apr 15, 2009)

2deepathinker said:


> Hello! I was thinking about you tonight. I am not religious, but am definitely spiritual. It can be helpful to surrender your life to a higher power of some sort. What do you think?


im spiritual to a point, i dont really believe in a higher power though


----------



## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Hrm... I have a few points here.

-Chronic pain, of which most wouldn't or don't think mental pain. Its not always about the now, but the future. Predicting future pain. Worsening pain.

-A huge fall. Reference The Great Depression. Stock Brokers jumping out of windows. Environment internal, external, or both can lead to a chain of events where it happens. People just lose grip on their responsibility and then nightmarish visions of the future including ridicule, pain, Loss, and servitude (not sure of a good word there) become reality (whether a lot of it was self-fullfilled or not). I personally understand the fall. Being stuck, especially in a complex multifaceted situation with the stigmas that we have to deal with.

If I got into a car accident and lost my legs my environment/situation might be easier handled and more simple than the stigma that mental illness puts you in.



> Me, too! I rather deal with the fear of what I know, versus the fear of what I don't (death).


 I like this. This is interesting to me. DP/DR honestly makes a lot of people question this. The balance has shifted. Some people are VERY religious and like to know afterlife and that they are going to heaven. They believe it like they believe the carpet under their toes. DP/DR may shift a balance where a person might lose grasp of that "what I know" leveling out life and death. The DP/DR condition can be kind of unpredictable, making death more known, more _absolute_ in the persons mind. They question whats next? Loss of job? Hearing voices? Loss of friends. Panic attacks while driving. When? Where? 
I'm not saying I don't agree with you. I do. I fear Death more than trying to figure something out. But I WILL play devils advocate to a lot of the things people (commonly) say. Just a perspective on the "why".

Speaking of religion/believing in aferlife and what is commonly thought---- I do not harbor feelings against people who are suicidal. No true hard feelings. I can't. Everybody has their own situation and its really hard to relate, and on top of that there is the belief that you'd most likely do what they do if you were in their shoes. And the funky thought of that you would HAVE to do what they did if you _were_ them. The Ego fools you into some sort of paradox about your hardcore will over their weakness even given the same exact life and upbringing. Hilarious. like "Just shake it off, thats what I did"... I don't want to get into that, so anyways on to my real point. I feel like I cannot hold anything against it because to me that is like when religious people hold it against you this-or-that that they say will put you in Hell.. Its really something that ostensibly of no harm to them, yet they still insist and insist don't they







. This could be out of fear. Similar to that of harbored heavy negative emotions to the suicidal. We see it in ourselves, the thought of suicide, the doubt of our religion. Once again. Not saying I disagree, but I thought i'd throw that out there. I don't want anybody doing it either.... But Its too hard for me to say THEY are the ones being "greedy".


----------



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I have the same questions as you. In the last 5 years, I think there wasn't 1 day I didn't think of killing myself. Like some of you said I don't really want to die (because I'm scared of death and what comes after it) but also don't want to live. I think alot of us only want to kill themelves but don't want to die, if that makes any sense. When the need to kill myself was strong I used to cut my leg instead of truly killing myself. I don't advice you on doing that cause it useless and doesn't solve anything.

I'm still here for all kind of reasons I guess. I discovered I have the most amazing family ever. In the last years they learned to understand me and accept me the way I am, and I learned to understand them. I know a lot of you have problems with your families but maybe there is at least one person that is there for you no matter what.

I have more to say but I have to finish now cause 2 kids came here and are talking with me non stop (it's good they can't read English lol)!!!


----------



## glosoli (Apr 29, 2008)

I have committed a few serious suicide attemps. But when I'm close to dying, when i'm ODing or nearly bled do death, i still the fuck out. I guess i think about the people around me, cus my own life isn't worth much.

If you haven't done any serious attempt yet, i promise you that you don't know how it is for example when you try to hang yourself, it takes A LOT to kick the chair away, i promise you that. Suicide isnt actually easy to attempt, and if you were 100% sure you wanted to end ure life u wouldnt write about it here, then u would have already done it.


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Damn *glosoli* that is some heavy stuff. Cant you get any help? I know that you are swedish like me and you only get serious help if you are a threat to yourself or others. Which you clearly are. If you´re not, its just "heres some antidepressants, see you in 6 months".. Get help dude.

Have you tried calling Nationella Hjälplinjen (The National Helpline) I did once and they were really really great. Their number is 020-220060 and their website is http://www.hjalplinjen.se/ The call is free and you can be anonymous if you want to. Also listen to more Sigur Ros and remember why you chose your nickname


----------



## ClintEmery (Aug 16, 2010)

Bear said:


> I don't know.
> 
> But I feel the same. I won't even consider it though, because of my mom.


You know you are a very pretty girl. It sounds like you have a loving mom and want to be better am i right? Id like to talk to you some more

As for everyone on here that says they want to commit suicide but cant do it. Heres the reason for that:

I had a panic attack in a restaurant one night with all of my friends so i excused myself to the restroom i was SO sick of this derealization and everything that was going on i was just deeply lost. I was in the bathroom and the thought entered my mind i needed to kill myself and the scary thing was that it made sense!!! I immediately called my psychologist and told him what was going on and he said the only reason you thought that and it made sense was because it was a rational thought for getting out of the situation i was in and since i had been full of irrational thoughts for so long a rational one felt good. The important thing is not to do it, you are just looking for a way out of your problem and youve exhausted all other optoins(or so you think) so that one feels okay but you cant seem to do it. Thats because you know better, Ive been there... you CAN get better i swear, do you think im lying? why would i dedicate so much time of my free time on here talking to everyone? Because i know what its like to be there in those shoes and i promised myself that if i ever got better id help people just like me.


----------



## ClintEmery (Aug 16, 2010)

sonnl said:


> im spiritual to a point, i dont really believe in a higher power though


You cant be spiritual and not believe in a higher power. Regardless of your religion... I just think its funny we as a society can believe in a big bang theory without knowing what started it and saying it was by accident. Heres an experiment for everyone: Go to an empty room without the lights on and see if you can make a spoon out of nothing. My bet is that it wont happen, same with our universe it didnt magically appear out of nowhere something had to put it here or make it. PLAIN AND SIMPLE there arent any if ands or buts. There's obviously a higher power.... whether you call it God or aliens. But my bet is God because the bible says faith hope and love the greatest of these is love. If you read over the 4500 documented NDE's they all say the only thing they felt when they passed over was undescribable love. Just kind of interesting the bible says that love runs the universe huh? Just a thought.....


----------



## sonnl (Apr 15, 2009)

ClintEmery said:


> You cant be spiritual and not believe in a higher power. Regardless of your religion... I just think its funny we as a society can believe in a big bang theory without knowing what started it and saying it was by accident. Heres an experiment for everyone: Go to an empty room without the lights on and see if you can make a spoon out of nothing. My bet is that it wont happen, same with our universe it didnt magically appear out of nowhere something had to put it here or make it. PLAIN AND SIMPLE there arent any if ands or buts. There's obviously a higher power.... whether you call it God or aliens. But my bet is God because the bible says faith hope and love the greatest of these is love. If you read over the 4500 documented NDE's they all say the only thing they felt when they passed over was undescribable love. Just kind of interesting the bible says that love runs the universe huh? Just a thought.....


buddists dont believe in god


----------



## Tanith (May 29, 2008)

ClintEmery said:


> You cant be spiritual and not believe in a higher power. Regardless of your religion... I just think its funny we as a society can believe in a big bang theory without knowing what started it and saying it was by accident. Heres an experiment for everyone: Go to an empty room without the lights on and see if you can make a spoon out of nothing. My bet is that it wont happen, same with our universe it didnt magically appear out of nowhere something had to put it here or make it. PLAIN AND SIMPLE there arent any if ands or buts. There's obviously a higher power.... whether you call it God or aliens. But my bet is God because the bible says faith hope and love the greatest of these is love. If you read over the 4500 documented NDE's they all say the only thing they felt when they passed over was undescribable love. Just kind of interesting the bible says that love runs the universe huh? Just a thought.....


This discussion could lead to an endless topic lol

I'm personally leaning more towards a new model that solves some issues with the Big Bang theory which suggests that mass, time, and length can be converted into one another as the universe evolves and thus there is no beginning or end to the Universe itself. So more or less the Universe is ageless but everything within it isn't (if that makes sense). More info about it here: http://www.physorg.com/news199591806.html & here http://www.technologyreview.com/blog/arxiv/25492/

But even with the Big Bang theory there is a lot of information about possible causes (most of which I can't understand but still lol).

For on topic: Have noticed that some people can dwell on things like the above and come to the conclusion of 'what's the point' quite a lot.


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Must...not...join..debate...on...religion...arrrgghhhh.


----------



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I understand how you feel dude. I think about suicide a lot. I think the thing is that we just don't want to live LIKE THIS. We don't want to live with dp. We don't want to die, we want reality back. We want our old lives back, our sense of self back. We know that there is a better way to live and having that knowledge and living with all of the symptoms of dp is like a living hell. We want this suffering to end but we don't want our lives to end. We just want reality back.

I got to a place a couple of months ago where I had decided to kill myself and I started reading online for ways to do it. I used to think that you could just take a lot of benzos and fall asleep and not feel anything. Then I learned that benzos alone won't kill you and that pretty much every way you choose to kill yourself involves a lot of pain and you being aware of what is happening before you die.


----------



## sonnl (Apr 15, 2009)

Yeah but honestly, ive come to terms with two things. DP isnt permanent, and even if it is, I can live with it.
DP isnt the worst of my problems, its just a self defence mechanism created for all of my problems.

Also, please dont turn this topic into a debate on god, religion, politics, or what not, make your own topic if you wanna be silly.


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

ClintEmery said:


> Heres an experiment for everyone: Go to an empty room without the lights on and see if you can make a spoon out of nothing. My bet is that it wont happen, same with our universe it didnt magically appear out of nowhere something had to put it here or make it.


Actually sensory deprivation might well allow you to do that. It can put you in an altered state in which it is quite a normal response to hallucinate.







Of course that is only the appearance, not the actual spoon.

I find your statement incomplete: You are telling us what you believe but you're not telling us why something can't come out of nothing.
If someone had to "make" the universe who made Him? And who was the makers maker? Meta madness.
Besides, how do you define "nothing"?

Other links:

http://camelswithhammers.com/2010/07/03/the-cosmological-argument-the-composition-fallacy-and-more-reasons-not-to-believe-in-god/
http://www.daltonator.net/durandal/creationism/fallacies.shtml (see Big Bang paragraph)


----------



## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

sonnl said:


> Yeah but honestly, ive come to terms with two things. DP isnt permanent, and even if it is, I can live with it.
> DP isnt the worst of my problems, its just a self defence mechanism created for all of my problems.
> 
> Also, please dont turn this topic into a debate on god, religion, politics, or what not, make your own topic if you wanna be silly.


Sorry to have brought it up. I am not religious, but surrendering my sense of control to something greater has been helpful to me. It doesn't even have to go any deeper than just surrendering control of your life, but no worries if that is not where you want to turn the topic.


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

For me personally and I'm guessing this is the case for many of us here, It's not that I dislike who I am but rather I have missed the person I once was for so long to the point where I just can't stand to live without "me" and longer. Deep down I really don't want to die, I want to live. Sometimes the suffering makes the decision a little harder though.


----------



## ClintEmery (Aug 16, 2010)

Okay good, so you were thinking about something other than your DR/DP. I have no idea who made God but you also have no idea what made the ingredients for the big bang to even happen in the first place so either way. BUT anyways, yes religion can go in circles but that is my personal belief because of my experiences, but here are alot of answers to your questions:

www.lifeafterdeath.info

That should keep your minds off DR/DP for atleast a few hours....

Read them all starting with the opening statement, this guy is alot smarter than anyone on here is to say it bluntly.


----------



## ClintEmery (Aug 16, 2010)

pancake:

I read your articles, read mine as well!
In my opinon,
Evolution is obvious. Look at a tadpole or monkey, That doesnt rule out a creator. There isnt any evidence to rule out God and there also isnt any solid evidence for God. Its basically a 50/50 chance that he is real or isnt. Take a watch apart and put all of the pieces in a cup and see how long it takes you to get a working watch and let me know if it happens before the end of the century. And as far as the big bang goes, its stopped dead in its tracks no matter what scientist says different. What started it? A hallucination of an explosion? I think its good for everyone to think about something different than your DR/DP, this may not be the best topic but oh well its already started now haha and it gives everyone a chance to share their opinon! <3 all and hope to see you all better soon

Tanith: Your model contradicts itself in my opinon, 
I understood and read in the article that entropy has been shown to keep increasing even when plotted backwards or forwards through time so this models universe may keep cycling to and from until it succumbs to heat death but the entire point of the article was that the universe has no beginning or end and is ageless? And actually the entire "model" is contradicted by science itsself. empirical science.


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

ClintEmery said:


> pancake:
> 
> I read your articles, read mine as well!
> In my opinon,
> Evolution is obvious. Look at a tadpole or monkey, That doesnt rule out a creator. There isnt any evidence to rule out God and there also isnt any solid evidence for God. Its basically a 50/50 chance that he is real or isnt. Take a watch apart and put all of the pieces in a cup and see how long it takes you to get a working watch and let me know if it happens before the end of the century. And as far as the big bang goes, its stopped dead in its tracks no matter what scientist says different. What started it? A hallucination of an explosion? I think its good for everyone to think about something different than your DR/DP, this may not be the best topic but oh well its already started now haha and it gives everyone a chance to share their opinon! <3 all and hope to see you all better soon


I don't personally believe in a God but I agree, there is nothing to say such a being isn't a possibility.
As for that watch - well, monkeys write Shakespeare.

Thanks for the link.

It is naught more than a gutt feeling - a belief (!) - but I feel I have no soul and nobody else for that matter:
Personality - yes
Consciousness - yes. 
Soul - no. 
It doesn't feel like it on many levels but I _believe_ I AM this body. Chemical reactions, flesh, blood and all. It 's amazing really, God or no.
When that heart of mine stops beating I expect all that remains will be this body. My consciousness will wink out and be gone.

That is no scarier a thought to me than an omnipotent being watching my every step.

I've got some time here on this Earth and I'll make the most of it and (Godless as I am) I hope you won't mind my saying that I wouldn't want to waste any of that time on worship.









I don't believe all is for naught if there is no God. We make our own meaning.


----------



## ClintEmery (Aug 16, 2010)

Well I know exactly how you feel, I was an atheist before I started having issues with DR/DP and a good friend of mine growing up his father was a doctor and I called him atleast two or three times a week to talk about what was going on with me, he kept telling me and telling me go find a preacher you can trust and get into the bible. I was like whatever man whats the medicine that fixes this stuff? So one night for the hell of it i went to a church right down the road and talked with a preacher. I walked out of church "saved" as funny as it was to me. I still didnt believe in God even when i was saved so i was like "oh this is bullcrap i thought when u got saved everything was suppost to be okay" My dr/dp kept on for months after that but i kept going to church every sunday for some reason, i dont know why maybe it was because of the social contact but i can remember sitting in church feeling derealized thinking i was wasting my time. It was until about two months ago it just all clicked for me, and it wasnt because i was brainwashed or anything else because i didnt trust the church the preacher or the bible. I thought the bible was wrote just to give humans a false hope and keep from tearing each other up. I battled it for months, i would research online why god wasnt real why this or why that i was really miserable. I went to church one sunday and walked in thinking here we go again this is my LAST time here im not wasting anymore time here im through praying to the air. I no more than got sat down and all of the sudden a absolute RUSHHHHH of pure bliss and peace overwhelmed me out of nowhere it was like i had universal knowledge or something. I hadn't been thinking about having such a feeling so i know my brain didn't produce it it was just overwhelming and i've felt perfectly fine ever since. More comfortable than ive ever been and i feel like i have an actual purpose. It just came out of nowhere, it was like okay here is your reward for sticking with me even when you didn't want to. It was a crazy experience that ill never forget, its just weird how i always feel this presence with me wherever i am, somedays are stronger than others and even when i dont think about it i still have it. Its so friggin weird.


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

ClintEmery said:


> I no more than got sat down and all of the sudden a absolute RUSHHHHH of pure bliss and peace overwhelmed me out of nowhere it was like i had universal knowledge or something..


I know the feeling. It is beautiful, overwhelming even. For me it has never been associated with religion but rather with music or creating something of my own. 
Horses for courses









It is good to hear religion helped you on your path. I guess we all need something to centre ourselves.


----------



## Speechless (Nov 23, 2009)

Beleive whatever you want to believe. Hey, if it's going to help you and make you a better person then nothing should stop you from having faith and belief. For me, after my DP came I really thought about all the other things that happened abd us still happening in the world around me. Well, I don't want to say too much on it because it's very complicated still for me but I would say after thinking through alot of things I really can't conclude anything about religion or a higher power. I don't know what exists and what doesn't.


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

sonnl said:


> but anyway, i really want to know what the difference is between someone who commits suicide, and someone whos suicidal?


I am no stranger to suicidal ideation but I don't know how people can go through with it either. If I did I guess I wouldn't be here. Damn, the things I would have missed out on.

I remember I first considered it at about eight years old. Cheery child that I was I opened the window to jump but then I stalled as the voice of reason told me a jump from the first floor would never kill me - only injure, get me into trouble & upset my parents.

Almost everybody I know who killed themselves just jumped off a chair. What 's with that? Hanging is not one I ever considered, struggling for breath until you shit yourself straining so hard. I guess it doesn't really matter.

I knew someone who cut his own throat. Strangely it hardly surprised me, he was the freakiest person I ever met. You 'd see him and instantly think "the bad babysitter" to yourself.

Damn, I am just listening to Elliott Smith, maybe that 's why I remembered Mr Cut-throat. Sometimes I feel like stabbing myself too but actually doing it, ramming a knife in there.. fuck.

Plath leaving milk for her kids and sticking her head in the oven.. it just doesn't compute.

The only way I can imagine taking my life is a moment of madness. 
There have been times where if the opportunity had presented itself just then I'd have done it.

Hell knows I think about it a lot, but suicidal ideation is qutie a differnt beast to actually going and doing it.
So yeah, the only way I can see is a spurr of the moment thing, being at the wrong place at the wrong time. An opportunity I hope I'll never get.

Blah.


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

THIS THREAD IS NOW ABOUT WORLD OF WARCRAFT


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Inzom said:


> THIS THREAD IS NOW ABOUT WORLD OF WARCRAFT


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

That really is one of the best South Park episodes ever


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I've tried to tell myself "I wish I was well" lately, instead of "I wish I was dead".. If you know what I mean. That is truly what you want right? To feel happy and content in your life? Sometimes I think when you say something to yourself enough times, life draws you to it, illness, DP, loss, death.. So I try to flip everything around and say the positive instead of the negative. I want to be happy. I want to have money. I want to enjoy life..

I wish you the best. I've stopped drinking in fear I'll gain the courage to kill myself by doing so. You are not alone, not even close.


----------



## hanniballexster (Jun 13, 2010)

sonnl said:


> i really dont fucking get it, because obviously its not just desire. theirs nothing more i want in life than to just fucking end it already. i could give two shits about the dp, thats not even the worst thing in my life for some reason.
> im so fucking fed up.
> but anyway, i really want to know what the difference is between someone who commits suicide, and someone whos suicidal?
> as much as i hold a knife to my wrist i cant just cut, and its really pissing me off.
> ...


Hey- first off sounds like you're really depressed (obviously). Please bear with me if anything I say strikes you as dumb or obvious or redundant.

I have thought the same thing. I was really tired with depression, panic, ptsd, phobias, etc long before the DR started. I did attempt suicide at 25 (won't get into details not necessary)... I lost a lot of blood, but not enough (but enough to make me sick and keep me in the hospital and have them commit me for weeks- they wanted to keep me for half a year or more and give me ECT... it's a long story)

When the DR started, I felt even worse. it started about a year and 2 months after my attempt. I had made some progress by then. Some of the depression was lifting enough for me to see life.

I've had it for so long now that I just feel exhausted and fed up, like you. But I am not suicidal. I don't WANT to kill myself, even though I very much want my mental pain to end (obviously, who wouldn't?)

So what's the difference between someone who is suicidal and someone who commits suicide? Well, obviously, those that commit suicide WERE suicidal before they did it, so you're on a slippery slope now. ):

My guess would be ambivalence... as low and tired of this life as you are, maybe somewhere subconsciously or in your soul, you know you can beat it. So you hold on. But the days pass, and each day feels like the same old drudgery and lack of pleasure and the same stresses, same disappointments. That's how it feels for me.

I think the fact that you even asked the question on these boards means you want people to see how low you are but give you reasons to live for, not because you want attention, but you're exhausted and feel so low, like your hope is almost gone. I feel like that a lot, but I'll try to give you some hope.

First, have you ever seen the movie "The Mist"? It came out in 2007 I believe, and is based on the Stephen King novel. Without spoiling the ending, the main message I took away from that movie is never, ever to give up, because you never KNOW when help will come. You may have reached your limit, give up (kill yourself, quit your job, give up in toher ways) and help.relief might just be around the corner.

I know that may seem patronizing of me to say that, and I dn't mean to be. I have held onto hope- the first year of it, I tried really hard to be upbeat and optimistic. By the end of the second year, I was flagging. Now it's almost been 2.25 years and my hope meter is almost on empty.

So some things to consider (this might help you, and it might help me just writing it out)...

1. Many people have DP/DR for years, or depression, and it does get better. When you're in hell it feels like you'll never get out, but you've already invested so much, and fought so hard... keep fighting. Please.

2. new midcal advancements are coming out all the time for DP/DR (and other medical conditions). Neurology and psychiatry are in their infancy (well, less than that, really). But technology is expanding now faster before than at any other time in history. You obviously feel pretty depressed or you wouldn't want to end your life.

3. People would miss you, I bet. I don't know you so I won't assume you have a loving family (some people... too many unfortunately, don't have a family that loves them)- but you probably have friends that care about you irl, and definately friends here.

4. You don't know how awesome your future might be- even though it's a cliche to say it, it is always darkest before the dawn.

AS for why you just don't do it, I don't know. Your personality or temperment or some strength inside you is maybe rallying you to stay here and fight. Whether or not there is afterlife, you only have this one life as you, with your DNA, in this time-space continuum. You might feel this life is no longer worth it, and maybe right now it's so distressing to you that it honestly is more pain than anything else, but that doesn't mean it can't change.

Please take care of yourself- I know how you feel, wanting pain to end. Let me ask you a final question- if you could get rid of the things bringing you donw- the DP/DR, the depression, whatever else in your life is making you feel this low- if those things could be eradicated, and you could feel happy and content and loved and see the beauty in the world and have a sense of awe and wake up every morning feel refreshed and excited about life itself, would you want to die? That may seem like a stupid question, but I'm being serious. Because it's not impossible for that to happen for you someday, no matter how down you feel now, how much you feel you have lost, etc... things can and do change. it's extremely hard to think positive thoughts when you're depressed, but the more you can, the more you'll change your brain chemistry and the better you'll feel. It'll be a long process, probably, because reversing refractory or long-term depression isn't something that can be done overnight,

But maybe a part of you KNOWS what you have in store in this life (never mind the brownie points you might recieve in the afterlife- if there is one- for living through what is obviously extreme pain for you and coming out the victor).

Please take care of yourself. Please take every day one day at a time, and set small goals. You might also want to get a sigital camera (if you don't have one) and start a photo album or scrapbook of fun times you have every month. It could be one small thing you plan and do every month- then develop the photos. When you feel low and like nothing in life is good you can look at the photos and remember that, even though you still felt bad, you had tiny moments (hopefully) of happiness. You were distracted for a minute or a few minutes and actually smiled, without faking it.

Sorry for the length of this. I just really identify with how you feel, and how low you are, and I really want to help if I can.

Alex


----------



## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

york said:


> I've tried to tell myself "I wish I was well" lately, instead of "I wish I was dead".. If you know what I mean. That is truly what you want right? To feel happy and content in your life? Sometimes I think when you say something to yourself enough times, life draws you to it, illness, DP, loss, death.. So I try to flip everything around and say the positive instead of the negative.


That 's why I "experience" DP/DR rather than suffering from it. 
It makes a big difference to me choosing neutral or positive terms to think and express myself in.








At first it feels like an act but eventually it does improve your outlook.


----------



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

hanniballexster said:


> Hey- first off sounds like you're really depressed (obviously). Please bear with me if anything I say strikes you as dumb or obvious or redundant.
> 
> I have thought the same thing. I was really tired with depression, panic, ptsd, phobias, etc long before the DR started. I did attempt suicide at 25 (won't get into details not necessary)... I lost a lot of blood, but not enough (but enough to make me sick and keep me in the hospital and have them commit me for weeks- they wanted to keep me for half a year or more and give me ECT... it's a long story)
> 
> ...


Thanks for writing this. It brought tears to my eyes. It's hard to deal with all of this shit for so long. It's 5 years for me.


----------



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

surfingisfun001 said:


> For me personally and I'm guessing this is the case for many of us here, It's not that I dislike who I am but rather I have missed the person I once was for so long to the point where I just can't stand to live without "me" and longer. Deep down I really don't want to die, I want to live. Sometimes the suffering makes the decision a little harder though.


What both of us want is different but still the same, that's funny. See, I don't want my old self back because it wasn't good. In fact, in some ways I'm better than what I used to be. Now I have no self at all.

I have to admit that I still hate myself very much for being like this. Since the age of 13 I knew that there will come that day I brake down, and it came when I was 19. I wasn't suffering any major thing till 19 but I knew something is terribly wrong with my life and myself. I'm not sorry I lost my old self but I'm exteremly sad for not getting a new and better self. I guess that was the whole point of having DP/DR, depression,anxiety,etc. But I don't think we can really lose completly our old selves and identities.

So you want your old self which is also a new self in a way, and I want a new self that covers of course my old self.


----------



## Guest (Aug 27, 2010)

Creed - One Last Breath

Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And i'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

CHORUS
Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

(CHORUS)

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down
(repeat)

I'm so far down
Sad eyes follow me
Well I still believe there's something there for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me...
you an me...you and me

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down....
(repeat)

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe...


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

*3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun*


----------



## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

*Good Charlotte - Hold on*

FUCK Sony Music BMG Entertainment or whatever their conglomerate is called, Had to go through like 4 websites that said something like "this video has Sony Music content which is not availiable in your country"

Before I found this:

http://bit.ly/aLsc9a

This video is fucking awesome. If the link doesnt work, Youtube 



 etc should work in your country.


----------

