# Stress-Induced Depersonalization



## BWare (Jul 27, 2010)

I suffered from physical and emotional abuse from my father for my entire childhood. My first memory in life was my dad beating up my mom for losing her wallet. Due to this upbringing, my depression probably has been around since my teens, perhaps earlier.

My episode of depersonalization came when my mom died, after battling cancer for a year. At the time I was in my junior year of college and in fact I was studying at the library when I received a call that she had passed away. It wasn't like it was unexpected, but one goes into a state of numbness after so many months.

I remember seeing her tiny, wasted body being put into the hearse and the priest who came out said something to "comfort" us I guess. Those words to me were so empty of meanining that I was annoyed that he couldn't come up with something better.

Although I feel my ability to describe the way I felt at that moment will fail, I'll try. I felt I was "hollow" inside. There was nothing but a pit of fear and despair where my soul should have been. At that moment, I felt that I could do anything to anyone and not care. I understood how people can murder without remorse because nothing that happens matters.

This was probably the worst thing that I've been through, although years of living with an abusive father also took their toll. Throughout my life, I've noticed that things that other people find interesting and stimulating leave me feeling-nothing. There's not too much that I find enjoyable because I can't seem to enjoy the moment. I'm always thinking about death. How I will end this pointless existence, because there doesn't seem to be any point in living. I could go to the most exotic location on earth and be underwhelmed, wondering what all the fuss is about.

I've gotten this far in life without killing myself. The fear of pain is too strong. If I could get ahold of some morphine or heroin, I would be very tempted to just put myself to sleep. To relieve my anguish I've turned to drugs, mainly marijuana and opiates. Vicodin and Percocet make me feel a lot better about things. I feel a lot more relaxed and hopeful, even optomistic. It's no wonder people get hooked on junk.

If I could get a medical marijuana card, I would probably smoke every day, in order to feel good at least for a few hours until I go to sleep. Marijuana is a lot less harmful than most anti-depressants, I think. I hate the way Zoloft or Prozac make me feel.

My relationships have suffered due to this. Either I get involved with someone I don't care about or I fall too hard and get crushed when things come to their inevitable end. It seem that I cannot endure this kind of pain and rejection again. I obsess for weeks, perhaps months about what I could have, should have done different. There doesn't seem to be any hope of finding someone else.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

BWare said:


> Marijuana is a lot less harmful than most anti-depressants, I think.


Or so one would think, but in fact, if you read most of the stories on here, many people developed DP as a result of marijuana use. Just sayin...


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

Bware, please do go get some talk counseling therapy for all the childhood abuse you had to endure. I was also abused by both parents plus an older sister and became quite depressed and dp'd (with weed as a precipitant into DP-land.) Talk therapy helped me tremendously to understand that I didn't do anything to deserve the abuse and that I had a right to be treated with respect and to live happily in this world. I feel so much better in my own skin now with less anxiety/DP and only associate with people who are "on my side"--who make me feel better, and not worse.


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