# Introduce yourself! [Support Column]



## Jurgen

I would like to welcome all of our newcomers to dpselfhelp

My name is Jurgen and I have been a member on this site since August 2013 and recovered in late March 2014. I am a member on this site who assists people in understanding what disassociation is.

This is my recovery story http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/46009-les-misérabless-recovery-story/

This website is primarily devoted to the research of dissociative disorders, particularly depersonalization and derealization. The members on this website are dealing with disassociation today or have dealt with it at some point in their life. There are many members who have recovered from stressful bouts of disassociation and others who are still suffering from depersonalization or derealization. Many new members come here hoping to find a way to cope with their "symptoms". Many classic examples of this, in particular, would be the ones who trigger an onset of disassociation by smoking weed. This is one of the most common scenarios among all to trigger disassociation.

Most members start researching their symptoms early. Disassociation (depersonalization/derealization) is very commonly described by others to be like: "detached from your body", "nothing feels/looks real", "not feeling real", all of these are symptoms among those who suffer from DP and they vary.

You may have stumbled across this website for that particular reason. You may have been googling your symptoms and thus inevitably discovered the existence of this site.

So welcome.

All newcomers and typically most people who disassociate suffer from the following symptoms of depersonalization/derealization:



> ・You feel like you're losing your mind
> ・ You feel dis-attached from the physical environment
> ・ You start questioning reality
> ・ You start suffering from constant anxiety/panic attacks/OCD.


All of these are classic symptoms of disassociation.

There is no evidence anywhere that truly suggests disassociation can cause something like schizophrenia or psychosis. They can only be symptoms [of] schizophrenia or psychosis. Disassociation itself can also be triggered stress, trauma, drug abuse, anxiety, etc. It does not mean you are schizophrenic or you have suffered from psychosis.

Many of the members on this website have successfully recovered from disassociation and most (if not all) are equipped with an understanding of various psychological states. The uniqueness that comes with each individual here is staggering and there are many people who are becoming more and more aware of the stigma surrounding mental health.

This thread in specific will be focused on assisting others who are currently suffering from far more heinous "symptoms" of DP. Although that alone doesn't restrict any and all members from contributing here, the purpose of this thread is going to be about solving problems and actively engaging in discussion. It would be more beneficial to the community at large to have a base we can all frequently visit for updates on answers. A lot (if not all of us) have fruitful advice compiled over years of learning from living with disassociation. We would like to help you. This would include I especially, a recovered member; and others like me who have recovered from depersonalization. Once again, this does not restrict other members who haven't recovered from posting and contributing advice also.

・Introduce yourself
・Tell us what you're going through 
・Give us updates on your condition 
・Make friends 
・Talk about your problems

This column will be pinned and structured to help others in an organized format. If you are a new member, the guidelines are very simple and standard to follow.

・ Please give us a descriptive history of yourself (this includes information concerning drug abuse, family trauma, living conditions, relationships in your household, etc)
・ How old are you?
・ How long have you had depersonalization/disassociation?
・ How did you find this site?
・ What are your symptoms now?

All of these are very important elements for "diagnosing you" per se, and you may even find other members who share same elements responsible for developing "disassociation".


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## Djgruver

Hello all,

My name is David, and I'm not quite sure where to begin. I'm 52 years old and live in Japan. For all my life I can remember, I have considered myself to be very different from everyone else. I never really had the feeling of fitting in, even though I was accepted by my friends and family. I've been called a dreamer and have always preferred solitude. I have always enjoyed hiking and nature as my way of being grounded as. I grew up in a large household of 8 children. On the surface, we seemed normal, but we had secrets we could not share. One was the issue of my mother's alcoholism. She drank heavily until I was around 5. This was a very big emotional trauma for me to deal with. I can't really get into all the details, but I ended up being very insecure. I remember her leaving for treatment not knowing if or when she would be back. I also remember either her or my father leaving for a week after a fight. Hard to remember details being so young. I remember her working the night shift after this and refusing to go to bed until she arrived.

It was right around this time, I was 5 years old, when some very significant things started happening. One thing I recall vividly is an accident where one of my baby brothers hit me on top of my head with a glass baby bottle. My older brother said it was pretty bloody and chaotic. He said my mother did not even take me to the hospital. I again don't know the details and am afraid to talk to my father about this as it was one of our secrets. I also remember having many vivid dreams of flying that felt as real as any waking memory. It was around this time I had what could be called an epiphany. As I was walking to school, I had an absolute assurance that my life was not real. I started questioning who "I" was and what reality was. I have not been able to shake this feeling of being separate from my body since then. All the while I have still been able to function rather normally. It has stressed me severely, even as a child. I remember thinking I was going crazy so badly once that I lay on the floor, put my head into a pillow and repeated my affirmation of whist my name was over and over until I fell asleep. I suffered terribly from bed wetting at this age. This continued through elementary school. I even had overnight school outings and overnights at friends where this happened. This just made me want to be by myself even more and this just escalated my depersonalization.

I made it through high school relatively intact but with the feeling I must get away for college. This was a great relief for me, but also brought on even more stress. My first spring home , studying for my finals, the pressure got to me. I remember feeling suicidal, but don't remember being I control of my actions as I wrote a lengthy suicide note and placed it on my older brothers table. I obviously did not follow through. I remember getting the call early the next week from my mom while I was back at college. I did not even remember about the note. It did not even feel like it was me that wrote it. I later had a similar feeling and similarly don't connect with my thoughts or actions of that time.

Post college years, I have found myself questioning reality every second of every day. My voice seems unreal. I have a constant ringing on my ears and feel numb all over. I am extremely stoic, especially towards the people I should feel closest to. I have lived far away from my family for over 20 years. I don't regret this. Even though I got to see my family only a few times a year, much less since I moved overseas (not been back since 2008), this is not a problem. I don't feel a need to keep in touch in any way. It's not as if I'm angry at them or they harmed me in some way. I just have no desire to relate to them. My relationship with my wife is the same. I don't talk or share emotions with her much at all. It's not even as if I regret this. I still see myself as separate from the rest of the world.

Another thought that has continually been in my head since childhood is the idea that I am living as a character in a book or movie. I even get it set to a soundtrack at times. I am very into my head and have gotten into reading existential books such as those written by the author/ channeler Jane Roberts. The focus of these books is how we create our own reality.

On top of all this, in my thirties, I began experimenting with hallucinogens such as pot, acid and mushrooms. I loved the way they seemed to connect me with my spiritual side. I enjoy experiences that rake me out if my body like this. I feel the same way listening to music, especially live, and being in nature. I still occasionally enjoy a good trip.

What this all boils down to is this. I still don't feel connected with myself or anyone else. I have feelings of my imminent death and wonder what my life had meant. Why did I choose to come to Earth and these particular circumstances. I have been diagnosed as depressed since I was 18. I think it's more than just that. Medication helped somewhat. I have read about this depersonalization disorder and can relate to many of these same feelings. I don't know where to go from here, but I'll listen yo any feedback anyone had to offer. Thanks for letting me ramble!


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## Feanor

Hello there. I am Ivan 25y, from Croatia. I had brain tumor operation 6 months before, and I am recovering well. Because of trauma I got some kind of PTSD. After smoking some marijunana, i started to feel anxious and wierd. Yes, it was DP. It felt like hell gates were open, at first. I went to doctor and he gave me some drugs, witch I refuse to take. Now, after month I feel better. I am nerveous, and uncalm, but i keep going. At this time I also started to wonder about myself, and world around me. Go into philosophy and so. Is this opening of the doors of perception? I think it is, many were there, from buddhists, to Huxley, Doors.) and so... I like this disillusion, but I need to learn how to function and survive( or not). Also have many questions, like should I take weed in future, or more important LSD. Please if someone has exp. with taking those please respond. I took them before but after operation none. tnx


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## AMUNT

you forgot to mention the visual symptoms, sometimes dp/dr has more of physical symptoms than symptoms in your head. Nomatter how clear i feel in the head sometimes, the vision thing still remains


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## Feanor

SolomonOrlando said:


> Welcome Ivan.
> 
> I'm not sure about the LSD, but I have smoked marijuana in the past (before and after Depersonalization) - is there something specific you are worried about with taking marijuana right now?


Hi. Weed makes me very anxious, and then world becomes unreal.. Like watching video game, first person rpg.


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## Feanor

SolomonOrlando said:


> It would be in your best interest to not smoke marijuana then.


Yes, I believe so. I only wonder about other drugs, such as LSD, because of way of life I live, and my philosophy. And beyond that, i find in many posts in internet it could be good, even better for me to use it. I just want other people experience about it.


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## Mario24

Hello, yes I'm here for a reason. I've been suffering from dp/dr for about 5 months now. At first I didnt know wth was going on with me, I thought it was something more serious like Alzheimer's or a tumor. I thought it was Alzheimer's because everything seemed unfamiliar to me. My friends, family, and even the world. It just sucked. Horrible. I'm still going through it though. I'm still trying to figure out how I got this. It can either be from an edible I ate or cause of sleep deprivation. I know it's either one of those. The main thing is, I just wanna go back to being myself again. Go back to feeling normal and stop thinking all these crazy, philosophical things. I just wanna live again.


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## RogerUSA64

Hello, someone please help me! I have been to Dr after Dr in the US where I live ,and no answers! I have been searching for answers for decades as to why I feel so lost, confused, not feeling part of the world around me. its like watching myself doing things but not connecting with my world. At times I get glimpses of my old self but not for long. I'm so egxauated but I keep pushing myself because I'm never giving up. I came across the Maudsley site while searching for answers to why I can't feel, connect with my wife and children, even trees look different to me. The pysical symtems I feel are very strange and frightening at times. I am looking for as much inforamtion as I can get about Depersonalization DPD/DR I have read articals and done self assesments and I feel very confident I to have DPD! Now what.

I am so greatful to have found this site.

Does anyone know of any research facilities in the United States or Specialist in this feild?

Thank you for any help.


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## RogerUSA64

*Mario24 Hello there ! you are not alone, I to have the same isues you are having, it's aweful to be so disconnected to the world and the people in it.*

*What information have you found as to treatment options?*


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## Jurgen

Hey Roger. Welcome to the site.

How long have you been experiencing DP?
Any ideas on what possibly could have triggered it?


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## flavorybo

I'm 15, I'm on my 4th day of having DP, which seems like nothing when I read these other stories, but I feel that people with experience can help. I believe it was triggered after I took a synthetic form of LSD, called "25-I" which led to anxiety attacks from smoking marijuana. Eventually these anxiety attacks started happening from being sober until the feeling kinda just....stuck.

I was sitting in my room, and got this feeling of being...almost "lost". I was very confused and after this feeling stayed for about 2 hours I decided to tell my parents everything I've been up too, thinking it was an acid flashback.

after going on a walk that lasted many hours with my dad I decided to try and sleep,it off, but when I woke up the next morning I still felt like this.

I can barely eat anything besides occasional fruits and veggies but I feel like my symptoms could be alot worse, I'm only really confused when I wake up and late at night. I have trouble sleeping and feel like I'm gonna freak out when I return to school. Someone please help!!!!!!


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## RogerUSA64

Jurgen said:


> Hey Roger. Welcome to the site.
> 
> How long have you been experiencing DP?
> Any ideas on what possibly could have triggered it?


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## RogerUSA64

Thanks for responding ! I can remember back as far as age 13 having issues with connecting with the world around me but it would come and go up until my 30s now I'm 50 and this clogged up empty feeling never leaves me ! I'm just alive but not living . I have 5 grandchildren that I cannot connect with I try and I try I get glimpses of the old me ! I have no idea how this started I drank alcohol for many years just to feel something of I used it for a release ! But not sure ? 
How about you ?


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## RogerUSA64

Thanks for responding ! I can remember back as far as age 13 having issues with connecting with the world around me but it would come and go up until my 30s now I'm 50 and this clogged up empty feeling never leaves me ! I'm just alive but not living . I have 5 grandchildren that I cannot connect with I try and I try I get glimpses of the old me ! I have no idea how this started I drank alcohol for many years just to feel something of I used it for a release ! But not sure ? 
How about you ?


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## suzeez

Hi,

I hope I'm adding my introduction here as I'm not sure how to find my way around this site yet.

I'm wondering if there are any support groups for DP in San Diego, CA? I've had DP for 8.5 years (chronic for 3 years meaning no change in clarity). Would anyone know about this?

Appreciate any help...


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## Jurgen

RogerUSA64 said:


> Thanks for responding ! I can remember back as far as age 13 having issues with connecting with the world around me but it would come and go up until my 30s now I'm 50 and this clogged up empty feeling never leaves me ! I'm just alive but not living . I have 5 grandchildren that I cannot connect with I try and I try I get glimpses of the old me ! I have no idea how this started I drank alcohol for many years just to feel something of I used it for a release ! But not sure ?
> How about you ?


Hey Roger, 
Thanks for responding.

You mentioned that you had trouble connecting with the world around you. Do you remember a particular instance in time you can recall this happening? Can you describe what it was like?


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## Jurgen

suzeez said:


> Hi,
> 
> I hope I'm adding my introduction here as I'm not sure how to find my way around this site yet.
> 
> I'm wondering if there are any support groups for DP in San Diego, CA? I've had DP for 8.5 years (chronic for 3 years meaning no change in clarity). Would anyone know about this?
> 
> Appreciate any help...


Hey Suzeez
Do you remember the first time you got DP? If you do, would you mind talking about it? It's very important to provide a brief description of these events 
Thanks for joining the site


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## Jurgen

DemonsionSix said:


> Hello my name is Sixth Dimension and I have had depersonalization since I was 10 years old. I truly believe it had to do narcissism. The people who surrounded me at the time had bashed my self worth and I developed the state called DP which is short for depersonalization. Today I am doing my best to rebuild my self and try my best to never look back. I just remain occupied and acknowledge that dwelling on my symptoms will never help me recover. Throughout my day I am involved in several activities such as sports school etc. Lately I have nearly forgotten about the condition. I am a little caught up in the direction of my life which is good. Everyday I continue to keep me head up whether my day is going good or bad. My greatest accomplishment was being able to socialize again. Little by little I am starting to surface to top again. My dream is to return to the way I was before DP hilarious and loved by all people.


Hello Sixth Dimension!
I loved reading this!
You are certainly not alone, many of the members on this forum have suffered from narcissistic abuse which has stunted their psychological development for years. What's worse is that these things are hidden from their awareness because they choose to keep playing the role of the victim. But it isn't their fault. 
I'm glad you are doing your best to recover from these unfortunate circumstances. Do not let anything hinder your progress.


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## RogerUSA64

Jurgen said:


> Hey Roger,
> Thanks for responding.
> 
> You mentioned that you had trouble connecting with the world around you. Do you remember a particular instance in time you can recall this happening? Can you describe what it was like?


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## RogerUSA64

Thanks Jurgen this does help alot! 
The best I can recall I first remember I was about 13 I was out doing chores on our farm and I remember I went for a ride on my horse Dusty and something wasn't the same I felt so alone like the only person on earth ! But at the same time I wasn't scared just like I was not there but my body was I was looking out past the clouds and it was like I didn't belong anywhere I didn't fit in this picture anymore it was like my head and my body were no longer connected from then on I felt like a puppet but made from different puppet parts I just felt cold inside and I remember I didn't sleep for 3 full days because I was afraid if I slept when I woke up then everyone would be gone ! It sounds strange I know ! The Drs in rural iowa thought I was nutso till I found info about DP ! I think I feel better just knowing I'm not alone and I'm not nuts ! My wife doesn't understand how I can say I love her yet not feel that love ? 
Sorry I tend to babble haha


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## RogerUSA64

Hi again 
Can anyone explain to me what DP really is medically ? Or is it psychological ? Or ? I'm so lost where I'm at and I want my life back ! I am not afraid to work I just need the tools !


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## RogerUSA64

Hi again 
Can anyone explain to me what DP really is medically ? Or is it psychological ? Or ? I'm so lost where I'm at and I want my life back ! I am not afraid to work I just need the tools !


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## TJJMLAM

Hi, I'm brand new here. This will probably get long so I hope some of you take the time to read it...

Ok, my childhood wasn't exactly great. I went to a very small private school (there were only 8 kids in my 8th grade graduating class). And I was constantly bullied for about 5th-8th grade, it was miserable. One day I pushed the guy who was the worst of all down, it was great! Haha! He never bullied me again after that. So there's that. But the bullying gave me extremely low self esteem that I still struggle with at 33 years old.

And here's the worst of all: my dad abused me (wow, I've never actually typed that out and my husband is the only one I've ever told it to). From what I can remember, the physical abuse only happened once, but the verbal abuse happened multiple times. I also remember hearing my mom crying and begging my dad not to hurt her, I think he abused her too. I have such fragmented memories of my childhood, and I think it's because most of it was traumatic. My dad is still in my life and he and my mom are still married and I have 2 kids and he is a really great grandpa to my kids.

Ok, fast forward to my mid teens when my depersonalization feelings first started. I honestly never thought much about it, just thought it was normal or a part of puberty. Then fast forward to my mid 20's and it started again... This time it lasted for months. I never told anyone, I was too scared something was really wrong with me. Plus it was such a happy time in my life, I had just gotten engaged and was living with my fiancé. It was such a beautiful time in my life! The dp eventually went away and I felt normal again. Fast forward again to now and it's starting again... 
What I think it's causing it now is my kids and some repressed memories of my dads abuse coming back. Because seeing my kids makes me think how I could never ever imagine doing something like that to them...

I also have extreme anxiety and crazy obsessive thoughts. One of which is (please don't judge me) I think about one of my kids falling over the railing in the mall from the second floor. Now of course in my logical mind I know will never ever happen but sometimes my subconscious mind takes over and that thought won't leave my mind. Another thought I constantly had while I was pregnant with my daughter was that her or I would die during delivery. Needless to say, we both did great, I had a picture perfect, natural delivery and she was perfect and beautiful and started breast feeding immediately. All the makings of a perfect birth, right? Completely the opposite of my obsessive thought.

Until now, I thought these feelings of dp were the cause of something physical. But just a few weeks ago I had a full physical and full blood work up, everything came back great. I've thought I could have a brain tumor, but I don't have any of the classic symptoms, I never have headaches, never have nausea, my memory is great, no issues multitasking (I have 2 kids, I'm the queen of multitasking, haha)... Really no symptoms of a brain tumor. I have had maybe 3 ocular migraines in my whole life, I brought it up to my doctor, she didn't seem worried, my mom, dad and sister have all had migraines in their life too, so par for the course for me I guess.

Ok here are my symptoms:

Feeling detached from reality, like I'm in a dream
Foggy vision, brain fog I guess 
Emotionally detached from situations 
Heart palpitations (when I have anxiety)
Sensitivity to florescent lights (Home Depot is like hell to me)
I also lack motivation at times 
Sensory overload causes me to have dp

And sometimes I just feel physically ill, almost flu like. Is this a normal symptom of dp?? I wouldn't think it would be, that's the only thing that makes me think this is not dp and something physical. Does anyone else ever feel that way??

I want to say one last thing: I have such a great life, I have an amazing husband who works hard to provide for us and is an amazing dad! I have 2 perfect healthy kids (a boy and girl, everyone's dream, right?). And I get to be a stay-at-home-mom! And yet I feel like my brain is letting me down, I feel depressed and anxious and that makes me so sad, it makes me so sad that I can't fully enjoy this beautiful life I have...

Thank you for listening!


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## RogerUSA64

Hello Mario24

I did visit with my Dr about tratment options and we decided to try 6 wks of lamotrigine and see how I do from there? Have you tried any CBT or ? I know nothing about DP really just that I know by all I've read on this site and through Maudsley research is that this DP sure describes my lack of an emotional life and all the physical symtoms that go along with DP.

I don't know what other treatment options there are here in the US or Drs or Therapist who treat this condition?

Suggestions are most welcome.

Thank you for responding.


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## AnimalNerd

Hello all, I'm Georgia aged 17, and I do apologise of I've broken an age restriction rule, I didn't see anything that said 18+ but I would just like to check.
Maybe I'm too young to have self diagnosed myself with dispersonalisation? I've had the symptoms for years as, and I really do feel uncomfortable talkong about my past amd/ or problems because I don't like to feel like I'm whining, I didn't have the most upbeat childhood so I often shut my emotions out and refused tl feel anything, functioned like a machine and got what I needed to do done. I needed to take care of my mum emotionally as often she'd be extremely distraught by my dad as he would often upset me by emotionally blackmailing me from aged 3 to 12. It's not some big darl childhood secret, I know many woth much worse experiences and people oftwn come to me for advice and to confide in, so I really feel insecure and stupid talking about my experiences as they could've been worse, but I know how much thwy messed me up; I have alot of trust issues and I often let people, particularly those close to me more often than not rather than strangers, walk over me, I submit alot and feel things are my fault. My ex boyfriend used to make me desert my friends as he was jealous, I'd do ot because he'd get upset and it'd break my heart, then he'd tell me I couldn't wesr certain things, or read books, or listen to music, and I think I was so used to rolling over and obeying I just did it? But I'm kind of goinf off topic this isn't meant to be a rant journal is it, sorry ^.^''
Not really sure what else to say, not entirely certain I've introduced myself correctly either so I'll try again.
I'm 17, my name is Georgia and I am currently finishing my first year of sixth form. I have people to support me if needed, I know I'm lucky to and I feel guilty because some people don't have someone to talk to, but I just find opening up like that to people in my life terrifying and I feel humiliated and vunerable afterwards. But I mostly feel guilty, or rather when I'm in one of my numb spells (dispersonalisation spells) I know I should feel guilty, because when I'm in a numb phase as I call it, I know what I'd usually be feeling, so I put on a laugh or a smile at a joke a friend said, but I don't feel it, and even worse my friends notice I'm not myself but I don't want tl explain what it is as I hate moaning, so I try persuade them I'm fine but it seems I'm closing myself off from them and they see that and it affects their mood.
Thank you for reading, I hope to make some friends on here and talk and help, Georgia.


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## RogerUSA64

Hello Mario24

thanks for getting back to me !!!!!! I have not found alot of treatment options I did talk to mr family Dr and he has started me on Lomotrigine I think thats how it's spelled?i've been on it for 10 days and don't feel any affects as of yet! What are some of the treatment options you have tried or heard of that have been helpful?

How have you dealt with DP in your life?

Thanks so much for visiting with me !


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## suzeez

Hi again,

I posted on June 4th asking if anyone is aware of support groups. I'm in San Diego and think I'm the only person in the city with this disorder! Didn't have a chance to follow up yet with the group.

Here is what happened to me...

I've had OCD since I was a child and am now 58 and have overcome most of the issues associated with it. Never had problems with DP until I turned 51. I was in a hostile work environment mostly centered around me being the target. I didn't know how to fight back after 2 years of emotional abuse by 2 co-workers and my boss of all people! I had been fighting my whole life to get over the OCD and a tough childhood, etc. In about the third year of this job (I only stayed there because I had injured my back and was in terrible pain). Wouldn't have been able to interview although I know I was capable of finding a better job. One day I walked into my office and looked at the file cabinets and felt nothing. I began to notice that when I typed on the computer (emails, etc.) words didn't look right and I felt I didn't know how to spell anymore. Things felt so weird suddenly with the fog I was now in. My dr. (for OCD) told me it was DP BUT didn't send me to anyone for help. So, it just went on and on and got worse. I had some clarity in the beginning (going in and out of it) but then was out of work for about 2.5 years and terrified that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills, etc. Was so worried that I felt it become chronic and have never come out of it since then with no clarity for about 3 years now. Absolutely horrid way to live. Have lost the ability to be in a relationship, lost my short term memory and get confused with instruction at work. Have to take notes for almost every assignment given. Had a great memory prior to this all. Am at a job way below my capabilities and earning potential so it's difficult to deal with the reality of it all. No pun intended.

That's my story and apologize for going on so long! So I thought a support group in my area might help a bit.


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## DaisyMen

Hello everyone. My name Is Emily, I am 16 years old, I have been suffering from something I think may be DP/DR for about 3 years now. I found out about this sight through a close friend once i told her what I had been going through. As soon as I read the symptoms stated above i instantly thought this had to be what it is. I constantly feel like my sanity is slipping away from me, I feel like ive been seperated from relality. Sometimes I even wonder what is reality itself? Everyone around me seems to be acting normal and I need to focus all of my attention trying to as well. It's like i'm in a different world than everyone else and im looking in on theirs. Sometimes i''l tune back to "normal" only to go back to it later on. It seemed to get worse when I am around people or when I need to seem normal the most.

It all started when I tried to swallow all of my fathers heart pills 3 years ago.My home left was absolutely terrible my family hated me and I hated them also. My father threatened to kick me out the house numerous times and i'd run away from home constantly. We would scream at each other. I was very suicidal and thought it would stop my heart. Sadly, I took the wrong pills making me just throw them up. Once my parents found out they admitted my to the hospital. All the beds and rooms in the teen section were full at that time so I had to stay in the keeping rooms. These are rooms behind a big metal door then there are rooms lined up in a line. I'm almost positive there were 6? each room had a big room with no handle and a tall narrow window which with a switch would become covered. I think the word is opaque? In the room was just a mattress of the floor and the bedding (pillow, sheets). I had to stay in there for a week and 3-4 days. It was in this time that I had gotten what I think is DP. I felt my sanity slowly leave me. Before i was admitted I was addict to many drugs including cocaine, pot, salvia, and most phycadellic drugs. The woman gave me twice the amount of bedtime medicine because of my "street drug" addiction making me less tolerant to it. after i left the hospital, there was a counsellor who was assigned to me. My DP got worse when I Would go in and see her. I was put on meds for my personality disorder but it only made my dp worse. skip ahead 3 years and now im here my what i think is dp still here and i dont know how to get rid of it. I am off meds and drugs but dont know what to do about this. Is it DP/DR?


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## suzeez

Hi again,

I'm not sure if this post is right. Will it post under my original posting when I respond?

Anyway, I was asked about being in therapy. Yes, I've been in therapy on and off all my life mostly for the lousy childhood and really bad OCD. I've been in therapy with a psychologist now for almost a year to tackle the disorder and other things that stem from it. I had to speak to approximately 40 therapists in San Diego who didn't know how to treat it which was awful. The dr. I see now is very good and constantly talks about the anxiety level being so high and is obviously right about it. I'm always distracted by anxiety and running thoughts of worry. Guess if I can tackle that I might have a chance to get some relief from the DP. It seems very permanent (DP) but I try not to think about that as well. Seems everyone who has recovered had bad anxiety so it's a common thread here.


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## sierralynn2213

Hey Guys my name is Sierra. I have been suffering with DP for about 4 years but was only diagnosed with it a couple months back. My DP is from my past and my childhood and was a form of coping mechanism when it was all occuring i guess. I lived with my mother when i was 14 and she became an alcoholic and my life got flipped upside down. It was hospital trips, lots of blood, family fights, broken hearts, and nobody wanted the 14 year old girl (me). It was crazy nonstop horror and i saw my beautiful mother go from 140 pounds to about 90. It was when i was almost 15 i noticed that i felt very diferent. I believe that my body couldnt handle the stress, anxiety, and constant pain anymore so that is how i came to have DP. Its been 4 years and it feels as if it has only gotten worse. I have found that when i am around those that i knew before my mothers alcoholism, it isnt as bad (though it is still there) than when i am around those that i met after alcoholism. I am a very severe case and i am afraid that i will never come out of it. Ido not recognize myself in the mirror though i recognize pictures of myself when i was younger. Sometimes i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror because i get so frustrated with myself, not knowing who i am. I dont recognize my voice when it comes out and my therapist says to try and live in the moment but that has yet to happen. I do things that would normally scare me but because of DP, i can do them. I can kiss random strangers and have relationships with people that it isnt normal to have. Its like DP made me unafraid of nothing but myself. I am going away to school in August feeling so distant and confused. I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now and she has been wonderful but even she cannot fix me.4 years of DP i hope is longer than anyone else because i would not wish this feeling on anyone, not even my enemies. Part of me doesnt know what i would do without it honestly and that scares me because i have come so used to it.


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## WilbellRose

Hi... I'm Rosie, I'm brand new on here, and just looking for help with the weirdness and scariness that is Depersonalization and Derealization. I've been formally diagnosed by my therapist and my doctor and just have had blasted enough of it.... The attacks had been under control but I had three today and it's just frustrating and exhausting and it ruins my day.... I know it's nothing lethal but I always feel like it's gotta be a brain tumor or a stroke or something awful..... even right now, I feel like another one is just on the verge of appearing and I hate it.... gah....


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## Korvax

Hello I am 53 year old man. Trying to figure whether I am ADHD or Suffering from Depersonalization


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## Dani990

hi my name is dani i'm 16 years old and from brazil

i've had anxiety problems for years but from the beginning of school this year in january i started getting panic attacks and feeling detached from what was going on around me

right now i stay most of the time thinking about my state instead of noticing the things around me and when i do see things that i'm familiar with they feel foreign to me

i feel like i'm perceiving the world very differently from the way i used to when i remember things that happened to me before i remember feeling in a way that i don't know how to feel anymore, i'm unsure of what my personality is like so i don't know how to act when talking to people and i'm really afraid of losing my friends because of that, it's like the person i remember being before is gone and i'm just empty now

it's hard living my life normally now and i'm really scared to talk about it to my parents because they usually don't take me seriously when i tell them about what i feel


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## Danzer

Soo this will be my first time ever telling my story to people who actually understand what I'm going through...kinda reliving :,). Anyways I remember exactly when my derealization started. I had just graduated from high school in 2010 and I went straight into college in the fall for a criminology program. Well one weekend I went back to my hometown for my friends birthday party. December 19th 2010 is when I woke up that morning still feeling buzzed and well that buzzed feeling never went away.

I remembered my friend offering me Ritalin and me being drunk and saying sure. Don't know why I did..iv never taken medication for fun or have done any drugs..so I went home still feeling pretty hazy. The next eight months of my life was a freaking nightmare. I didnt know what was wrong with me...I would drink and get sooo wasted to try to "snap" myself back....I tried talking to my friends telling them that nothing seems real anymore...no one understood. I was numb. I had no emotions. I thought I had given myself schizophrenia....then I thought something was just wrong with my eyes and that I wasnt actually going crazy.

I dropped out of college....it was too hard now. I couldnt concentrate....I would look at someone when they talk to me and my brain just wouldnt catch any of it. I used to be so talkative and fun but I couldnt follow a one on one conversation anymore. I went to the doctor...he said that I was just drinking too much....he didnt understand. I just lost all my good friends because I didnt want to leave my apartment...I started feeling anxiety everytime i left my place cause NOTHING was the same anymore.I moved into my moms place in may 2011.

I went to my sisters wedding in july 2011...most sisters would be so happy their sister is getting married...not me...I was numb to emotion. I couldnt even feel sad. My life just felt fake...and every morning I would wake up hoping this would be normal again. Then out of luck I found this forum and read some of it then realizating that WOW THIS IS ME AND IM NOT FREAKING CRAZY. I finally found out what the hell I had and for the first time in a long time I felt relieved that this is just some hell anxiety and I can get better.

Instead of fighting my derealization I have accepted it and am still learning to cope. Im going to try to get my license this fall (focusung while driving has always been hard) and im going to college for health care assistant in september.  I have been to the bottom and now the only way is up.


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## eddieviv2100

Hi...I'm James. I'm 59 and I've had DP/DR (Mostly DP) on and off since the age of 16. Proof positive I suppose that the illness doesn't escalate to full blown Schizoprenia or Psychosis as I've always worked professionally and have never been off work/career due to the symptoms of DP. I recall first experiencing DP after watching an episode of what I think was 60 Minutes and have had it on/off ever since. It was not induced by recreational drug use as what seems to be common with some sufferers. Over the years the illness and symptoms have been episodic where I've had relief for as many as 5 years at a time, only for it to come back with a vengeance years later. I've now had it for the past 11 years but I've been able to "manage" it. When it gets especially bad I try to keep busy and "distract" myself from ruminating about D/P in my head 24/7. (I know - not easy to do as we all try in our posts). I only just knew what it was coming across a website like this when I was about 45...before that the symptoms terrified me as I had no idea what or why I was experiencing all the classic symptoms as many of us have already described. In managing my D/P I've found that regular exercise, avoiding caffiene, alcohol, eating healthy and maintaining healthy relationships all contribute to a lessening of the symptoms. I've also tried many anti-anxiety medications but what's helped me the most is Clonazepam in low maintenance doses. I've also tried naturopathic means - and was prescribed a couple of different options but neither were overly successful. I find that it tends to be a vicious circle of thoughts. You ruminate about D/P which causes anxiety (even including a panic attack or two) - the anxiety causes the D/P. I suppose if I can always manage the anxiety to low levels - I'll in turn manage the D/P symptoms to low levels but this logic doesn't seem to work! I have my good days and my bad but never totally feel that I'm free of it. I tend to feel a little better after a full blown panic attack - don't know why - it's like my whole body reaches a point where it I have the attack and shortly thereafter my D/P greatly subsides but never more than a couple of days before it's back. Thanks for letting me share.


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## eddieviv2100

Hey SolomanOrlando,

I tried talk therapy about 10 years ago but didn't feel that it really helped. Besides trying a bunch of different meds over the years I still find the Clonazepam seems to calm me down the most. and...just a lot of self-talking. I know I'm not going out of my mind cuz if I was I would have done that years ago. LOL So I just go on...as most of us do feeling disconnected with the world but lioving in it just the same.


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## mlphilli

I have had the Wikipedia description of derealization for just over 12 years. I'm almost 36 now. It came on literally overnight, along with a drive to sleep more than 12 hours a day, which made me think it was an infection that I would recover from. The intense sleepiness went away (mostly) but my flattened, foggy perception of the world never has.

Many DP/DR stories don't quite resonate with me, because I've never experienced any acute anxiety, OCD, panic, etc. I have no idea what caused the onset of my condition (I was happy and active and functional when it showed up) or why it persists, day in and day out, always there, never relenting. If I don't get enough sleep, it can feel worse, but it's there all the time, no matter how perfect my sleep/diet/exercise/mental conditions are.

I usually don't feel cognitively impaired -- if motivated to do something intellectually challenging, I'm just as capable as before. Or just as capable as you'd expect a 36-year old brain to be compared to a 23-year old brain  Motivation is now a huge problem, however. It's just so hard to do anything out there in that world that I'm pretty sure isn't real.

It mostly feels like a visual problem: I just don't feel what I'm supposed to feel when I look out into the world. Doing things like taking a long walk in beautiful scenery can be stressful for me, as that most reveals to me how compromised my feeling of being in the world has become. I notice, however, that when I close my eyes, what I hear also feels disconnected from me, as does what I feel. So it's a multisensory problem, not just visual.

I remember learning in college about people with temporal lobe epilepsy, who would sometimes become overwhelmed with the feeling of profound meaning in the world or of being at one with the universe and everything in it. I now think of DR as sort of the inverse of that: things in the world that previously had some emotional coloring to me are now flat, gray, lifeless, meaningless. That feeling persists no matter how happy I am, how calm.... nothing seems to make any difference.

My career and some of my relationships have nose-dived since DR appeared and, unsurprisingly, contributed to recurrent depression. I've been on antidepressants, in talk therapy, the works, but no matter how emotionally positive I feel in general, the world remains just as far away as when I'm depressed. After 12 years, I just don't know what to do. I find it nearly impossible to believe that this could ever change.


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## martin231

Hello my name is Martin im from Macedonia, Europe and i'm 16 years old, im new on this page and i'd like to ask few questions.

Here is link of my story, symptoms, etc.. http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/47809-for-you-5mins-to-read-and-comment-for-me-better-life/

First of all i wanna know did someone die from this and because it was caused by weed in my case deciding by my symptoms from the link is it possible that i have cancer or something else?

Also what diseases can i get from this?

I didn't talk with someone that feels like me for like 10 months, and now i found this page. Before i thought it happened only to me in this world because i was feeling very weird. I need someone to talk with, so if you passed through this send me a message, also if you are passing through this send me a message and let's share how we help ourselves. I really need someone to talk with me that know how it feels. Thank you.


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## Jaybird

The irony of my phone's inability or complete unwillingness to process my log-in request is frustrating as it weighs down, an oppressive allusion to my own connectivity issues. Rather than react in frustration or use this ominous portent as validation to indulge my tendency to give up, I have written this down for later use. This will be a lengthy intro and I hope someone is willing or able to give it a skim and some input. With my back against the wall I no longer what to believe, how to feel, or who and where I am at this point in life.

Two years ago I was released from rehabilitation offered by the military. In my stay, I relived some childhood trauma I am reluctant to divulge ( only for fear that it distracts from my point) and I spent the days proceeding the experience in a fog. As one cannot be outright diagnosed with certain disorders in the military, my Psych maintained that I showed symptoms of Disassociation Personality Disorder, off-set by trauma and stress. IN eleven days it will be exactly two years since I graduated rehab, a number which I constantly have to focus intensely to believe every time I look back as I do now.

My memories are viewed with an uncanny clarity. Emotions, events with important people stand like pillars of truth. Then again, not always, when I begin to question the validity of their significance, or the differences of my self from then to now, they too come into question. Regardless of the convictions these memories inspire or fail to instill, this past two years has been an unsettling blur. Two months ago it felt like my conscious mind had drifted to the shore and it was like having the volume turned all the way up when I didn't realize that I had been straining to listen. This recurrent revelation has been prevalent through years of sporadic journaling, which has over the past few months been maintained more regularly. It is like a series of dreams within dreams, each with the seemingly mislead convictions that I had finally come to. Though it might be faulty of me, I truly believe that this time I might be right.

The issue I have had is these moments of prolonged grey. I jokingly referred to them as the desire to "do nothing but exist" but then again, existence seems debatable when all I have in these moments are hues of grey. To overcompensate, I have used pain to validate my reality, sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes through indifference thrust onto those who care. The former worked for a time until the numbness settled in. The latter came as a tired effort to push the world and myself away.

Emotional reflection came as a reflexive response, a blurred line between feigned disparity and moments where I was allowed to genuinely feel. I could articulate how I felt to counselors, therapists, but generally discussions remained shallow and sporadic. The "reality" of myself feels like a hermit in a glass house. Clouded perspectives I am too tired to reach. Emotions were as clouds beyond that foggy glass roof. I can see their shapes, but they are always distant and the air which propels those varied images remains largely unfelt. I digress, the hermit, those clouds, myself are all subjective so the concrete issues which have lead me to this forum are more pertinent to discuss.

I spend time attempting to figure out, or simply time spent drifting away, wherever emotion's clarity or the world, or wherever may take me. Hours spent staring at the ceiling feeling forlorn and sad. Then deciding that those both sound nice. Then questioning the validity of their niceness. Not sad, nor forlorn in the end. Just hours like a great wind to propel a ceiling and no clouds into an infinite stationary state. When I establish feeling and connection, I fear sleep to think I might lose that sense of being. SO months passed in chronic sleeplessness. Then there were conversations remembered and never had. Date confusion,. No concept of time. I was given lexapro. Then a manic swing lead to a manic self, swinging from one story to the next. Convinced that if I fell at least then I would know I was real. I survived but the guilt pierced through the fog and brought me to the E.R. it wasn't suicidal exactly. So I was dismissed and my dosage was doubled. Queue the fog.

After my daughter's birth in February, the entirety of my selfish floating hit me and consequentially the fog dissipated. It was time to ground myself. Aware and ready I began to implement change. Then I was brought up on charges (nothing serious but enough to potentially upset the future I had orchestrated for myself and daughter)My sense of connectivity faded and I drifted away once more. Three days of no sleep during a field exercise and I had a panic attack. It was the psych ward this time. Dreadful waste of four days and afterwards I still had that foggy perception. Until two months ago when I washed up. 
I fear losing myself again. Both for my daughter and in light of all the soul searching this two months has granted me. I worry this diagnosis is wrong and my years of certainty that I am unstable backs that question. Is this disorder my own? Do I sound familiar? Or do I simply come off sounding as static as I feel?


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## Jaybird

I am grateful that you found my syntax appealing. I believe one of my coping methods has always been writing. Somewhere I transitioned (then again, perhaps I did not and I only believe that I did) into this need for constant social stimulation. In that stimuli, I found myself validated. Lately, and over this past year or so, those moments to attempt to lend clarity and establish connection have been done in a sort of blurring of these two. That is to say that once I used writing for affirmation, then I leaned on people. The result was usually frustration on the listener's behalf at the verbose manner in which I articulate something I don't fully understand. More detrimental were the blows that those took on my earnest attempts to reach the ground. It is difficult to find people who want to understand, and that is something I have learned to not take as a reason to retreat. It was difficult for me to understand how others could not relate, where I was once proud of my eccentricities, I grew to resent them and feel beyond the capacity to attain normality.

Place and other social constraints have always been something too frustrating, so I am grateful that you responded and more importantly, responded forwardly. It gives me confidence, I have discussed my intent to sift through these traumas with my counselor (my therapist only recently making a comeback in my life) and ignored her hestiancy spoken in response to the bulk of issues through which I am currently wading. I brought up my journal from rehab, the counselors having encouraged us to maintain a constant dialogue so they could get additional analysis on our well-being. I had not touched it since I returned, save to move its location once or twice during one of my attempts at organization. I felt full of conviction and vigor and indomitable, I made my way through the pages. Without going into detail (as I have a tendancy to ramble on) when I came across the pages I had written during my first overwhelming dissasociation it quickly snuffed out that inner fire. In light of all these overwheming recent events, it unsettled me to face a self which was so unfamiliar.

At any rate, rather than retreating I pushed myself to get out. I started drawing (something I have always thought I could never do) and writing and reading at a local coffee shop. I cut ties with people who made me feel as though I was being undermined. It left me with one good friend who I can access where I am located, reestablishing positive connection with old friends and my family. I suppose the difficulty I face is this new and persistent anxiety which comes with awareness. Little things which are completely unrelated trigger that sense of helplessness which remind me of the gravity of my current situation. I have read that DP can be considered a sort of anxiety and to me that seems to make sense. So it goes without saying that the fog, while something I struggle to put to words, was something I understood better than this intense anxious static.

Again, I am verbose by nature, especially when I am attempting to find myself or reason in words so I appreciate any and all who have words of advice or understanding. I wouldn't want to leave on a bad note as I understand we all feel similarly so underlying all of the confusion, I would like to pull what I hope can be a warm comforting implication. I am here and pushing, despite that need to push myself and the world away. We are all here, and because we are here that means that no matter how intense or convincing that anxiety might become, it will not own us. And because we are here, no matter what we might try and convince ourselves, we are admitting that we want something more.

Just food for thought.


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## sofiadl7

Hello everyone. My name is Sofia, I am 23 and I live in the United Kingdom. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder/Agoraphobia/Health Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Depersonalization Disorder. I have struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember, certainly with regards to the dissociation; so much so that I cannot recall a single day of my life where I felt grounded within my body and perceived the outside world with clarity. I have suffered with DP/DR for at least thirteen years now and lately, it's becoming unmanageable. My agoraphobia has gotten worse, which then feeds the dissociation and depression. I don't know what to do any more. I feel trapped. I am buried within self help books and breathing exercises but I am losing hope, and my suicidal thoughts are becoming more persistent. I'd appreciate any help, any whatsoever.


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## ChemGuy14

Hello all. Glad to join this community. I am 22 and my first experience with DR was in January 2014 after I got drunk and smoked some marijuana with friends. It was probably my fifth time smoking it but first time using a vaporizer. I had a panic attack that night and woke up with DR that lasted for 2 days. I smoked again in April and then had DR for for a week. I have since been marijuana and mostly alcohol free but my DR has been recurrent and is coupled with symptoms of hypomania


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## spo

Hey, I introduce myself, my name is Oliver, I'm from Paris and I am in the same sh** as everybody here. So, as I said I'm french, maybe you will excuse my poor english. My DP/DR started 3 years ago, it was so awful, I remember the second when it comes. I thought my brain disconnected, I'll die. But no. The real world escape to myself. I've spent a lot of time in mental hospital, I took maybe 20 treatment or a little more. I'm today follow by a neurologist and psychiatrist, he has the the double doctorats. So I'm very involved in my treatment, I'm a kind of pessimist who never abandons!!
Nice to meet you all !


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## Josephious

Hello everyone, my name is Joseph 

I recently turned 26 and have been partnered with DP/DR for at least 11 years. My story resembles many others, with periods of drug and alcohol abuse, childhood trauma, and a general inability to shut my squishy pink off. The last year has been a series of challenges that have only made life more meaningful, and subsequently brought me more authentic pleasure. I've never met anyone with persistent DP/DR, and I'm rather excited to be a member of this community. I feel a deep comfort in knowing there are others who understand or otherwise have compassion for this struggle, and I am adamant to afford someone else that same gift.

Thanks for the pleasant welcome. I look forward to chatting with everyone!


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## Cuddleypanda1519

Hi there everyone,
I'm here to find help. I'm so afraid. I have had Dpd/Dpdr/Dr for a very long time. Doctors diagnosed me to have this since i was very young (btw the ages of 3-5 when it started) and it is still going on. I have been in therapy since middle school and nothing has really helped. It is always there and there is no relief. sometimes I can find happiness but other times i just stare off into space and then have a panic attack. these past few weeks have been torture. today i cried and hyperventalated, ive been drastically searching for a cure or things to subside the feeling of being unreal, feeling like i dont exist, im just watching myself, etc. but nothing has worked. Ive got a file as big as my hand of treatments ive been through and medications i have tried. Nothing has worked. I am on here for help in any way i can get. I feel like this is a cry for help... I have lost a lot of hope because of this. I dont know what to do or how to calm this down... i pray.. i have pleaded with doctors to help and yet i come up short... they dont know what to do and i have given up on many therapists... i am afraid and i feel alone. please. help.


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## Diana100

Hi, everyone. I'm Diana.

I've been disassociating all of my life. I didn't realize it until late last year. Sometimes I'd feel as if I were in a fog. Sometimes, usually during stress, I'd go completely numb. Sometimes I felt as if I was somehow separated from the world, as if there was an invisible wall. Because I'd always experienced all of these and more, I never really thought about it. I wasn't really aware of it because it had always been a part of me.

I was repeatedly molested when I was very young. When I finally had the strength to begin dealing with this, I learned about disassociating and realized I'd always done it and learned how it had protected me by, in effect, taking me out of the situation.

I've been working on my issues in therapy and on my own. At first, whenever I started feeling emotionally overwhelmed, I'd want to disassociate. Sometimes I still have to fight against it. One thing I leaned that's helped is to practice mindfulness. I check each of my 5 senses and ask what I see, hear, smell, etc. I ask myself how I feel emotionally. I ask myself what I need at that moment.

I'm here because I really want to get better and it blows my mind to think I can connect with people who actually know what it's like.

Thanks.


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## Sabina

Hello everyone, I have come across this site several times in past but never gathered the courage to write here and exchange my experience. But times changed and I guess now it's the right time to get to know other people who feel or felt similar like me... So here is a little part of my story (I also copied it to my profile)...

I'm a student of Psychology on Masaryk University (Czech republic) currently in my last semester. Past 12 months I've been preparing for writing my diploma thesis. It took me quite a lot of time to find a really attractive theme (at least for myself), but then I had quite a serious and long episode of DP and suddenly I knew what I need to write about.

I've had many episodes of DP/DR since my early puberty but until my 22nd birthday I didn't know that I've been experiencing symptoms of DPD/DR (I thought it's just a temporary issue with hormonal imbalance or so). After I found out about this diagnose (even though I was actually stydying psychology I didn't know anything unless I did my own "research" on the internet) I felt really relieved, because I was sure it's not anything worse.

Past summer I've had my last (stronger) episode of DP/DR. It was the first time since ever, that the symptomes didn't scare me so much - I already knew what was comming so I decided to make some use of this state of my mind. I let the depersonalisation flow through my head and all my senses. When everything seemed like a theatre play or a film I tried to admire it from my strange point of view. When it came to the maximum I tried to do stuff that I was normally afraid of, what I was able to do since I did't feel like myself and everything was like a dream that I can control and change... I even started to feel quite omnipotent because suddenly I lost my fear of the usual things, e.g. socializing with strangers or oral examination at school. It was the best summer of my life eventually...

At the end of the summer, any DP/DR experiences flew away from me and I felt like a "normal person" (as I imagine one. Since then, no major episode od DP/DR occured in my life, just some smaller hints of strange feelings in more stressing periods.

This course of my DP/DR was very inspiring to me so I decided to write my diploma thesis on this topic and do a little "research" between people experiencing DP/DR (if anyone would be interested in this work of mine, don't be afraid to write me!). So thank you for an opportunity to meet people who feel similar to me, because I never have met anyone like this in person before.


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## Punjabisgotswag

Feanor why would you want to take LSD or Weed because with these subtances you can get severe DP/DR if I am not wrong. And I have heard that if you have had head injury or gotten a surgery done from your head such as how you mentioned you had brain tumor this could cure DP/DR quickly. But if I were you I wouldn't take LSD or Weed. I am not telling you what to do or what not to do because I am not anyone to tell you plus it's your life. But these things can affect your health more badly and can cause more damage and I'm sure you don't want that to the point where god forbid which might affect permanently.


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## Punjabisgotswag

suzeez so are you saying that the people that have recovered from DP are the ones that had anxiety problems? And what are the causes of the DP/DR who have it permanently.

And also if anyone can elaborate more on what does it mean when people say that they feel deattached from everything to describe DP/DR


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## pgarber

Hi

I am 63 and have been suffering and I say it clearly, suffering and silently, since I was 18 and smoked marijuana. It brought out all my insecurities and started a lifelong battle with depersonalization. I did not have a name for it until two weeks ago when my wife Googled my symptoms. I had never told her of my situation until we started marriage therapy a few weeks ago. I feel like my life changed forever back 45 years ago. I had never even considered that I could find a cure or a way to minimize it. For 45 years, I have tried to cope, much like anyone with a serious illness copes when there seems to be no treatment. I have had a fairly successful life but I feel that my depersonalization has gotten in the way of happiness, fulfillment and success. But mostly I am sad because until just a few weeks ago, I believe nobody else could possibly understand the way I feel. Now I know I was wrong and while it is some sort of relief to know I am not alone, it does not make the feelings any less intense. I guess the most astounding thing is that I have been as successful as I have been, both professionally and personally, while feeling these often intense feelings of unreality. I do think that there are many others who are suffering silently and needlessly.

Phil


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## pgarber

Hi

I am 63 and have been suffering and I say it clearly, suffering and silently, since I was 18 and smoked marijuana. It brought out all my insecurities and started a lifelong battle with depersonalization. I did not have a name for it until two weeks ago when my wife Googled my symptoms. I had never told her of my situation until we started marriage therapy a few weeks ago. I feel like my life changed forever back 45 years ago. I had never even considered that I could find a cure or a way to minimize it. For 45 years, I have tried to cope, much like anyone with a serious illness copes when there seems to be no treatment. I have had a fairly successful life but I feel that my depersonalization has gotten in the way of happiness, fulfillment and success. But mostly I am sad because until just a few weeks ago, I believe nobody else could possibly understand the way I feel. Now I know I was wrong and while it is some sort of relief to know I am not alone, it does not make the feelings any less intense.I have self-mediated for years, and it has brought me some relief. I have tried to rationalize that if my circumstances were different, the feelings would go away. But I know that is simply wishful thinking and that these feelings are here to stay. I could continue writing about my feelings like others who have only recently learned of a community of like souls out there. I cannot speak enough about the relief I feel about knowing that I am not alone. For so many years, I have felt alone from my family, friends and colleagues, feeling I had something shameful to hide. I don't know if I will ever get better but I do know that I have not felt this comforted since that fateful day so many years ago.

I guess the most astounding thing is that I have been as successful as I have been, both professionally and personally, while feeling these often intense feelings of unreality. I do think that there are many others who are suffering silently and needlessly. And all I can say to you all is that we are no less important than any other person, no less competent and no less deserving of love.

Phil


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## ells_

Hi.. I'll keep this brief as, if I'm honest, I'm not sure myself what's going on.
My name is Ellie, I'm 15, and I've been suffering from depersonalisation for a while. Maybe a year and a half? It's gotten a lot worse in the last year, and it's really messing me up. 
I think it all started at the beginning of 2012, when I suffered from labyrinthitis. Since then, I've had problems with my balance most days, and at some point, the depersonalisation started.
I can't really remember the past as well as I think I should - I can't remember when it got worse, when it got better and then worse again, if last week was better than this week, etc. all I know is that it got worse when my Grandma died. I was very close with her, which is all I really want to say about that at the moment. I also know that I feel as if it is triggered by some sort of anxiety issue. I don't like to say that I have anxiety, because it makes me feel very attention seeking.

Basically, this feeling has recently been messing me up. I get confused so easily, I can't concentrate on anything for too long, and it's showing in my schoolwork. I've begun to feel like everything is pointless, and like I am too far behind to try and catch up. Im going into gcse year and in terrified of failing. I feel like I need everything to stop, so I can actually get everything back on track. But i can't, because everyone around me continues to move forward, so I just stumble along. And wish I could say that I'm doing my absolute best and I don't let it stand in my way, but I'm not, and I do. I get so upset about it all the time and it just makes me feel quite pathetic. I really feel like I need to be around other people who understand how I feel, and I swear other sufferers are the only people who do. I don't need to be told that I'm going to be okay, I need to believe it.

Sorry for this being so long, I did want to keep it brief but I guess I failed :') thank you if anyone is taking the time to read this.


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## peaches66

Hey guys! I'm new to the site, it's my 2nd time here but I already feel better knowing other people know how I feel. Im not sure what I have going on with my brain, but what the people on this sight talk about it absolutely dead on with certain symptoms I have, but not all. So I'd like to hear what you have to say. What's very hard is explaining to others what is going on in my head, and I know they don't understand fully. I don't blame them. So I suppose I'll try to explain this again and I'd love comments/replies, anything in response to this. ESPECIALLY if you know how I feel.

Giving an in-depth summary of my past doesn't seem like a bunch of fun if you know what I mean. But I'll do my best. I'm the youngest on the family, with 3 older brothers. Obviously I was beaten up and teased a lot growing up. It stopped for the most part when I was around 10. I'm 15 now. I've moved several times, the first time being maybe 4 years ago. Around then, my parents split. My mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer. To cut to the chase, she passed away a couple of years later, and it's been an issue in the family as we're all boys and weren't too fond of talking through it. Theres obviously more to it than that simplified version, but thats the jist. Since then, my mental state has slowly deteriorated. It started off with disassociation, just being wrapped up in my head or tv. From that, my go to view of my life is very cinematic. Can't complain much though, I try and have fun with it haha. For about a year, I thought I had gotten over it when I actually hadn't dealt with my past in the slightest. In the seventh grade, I had severe depression. I couldn't force myself to go to school on some days. However, that faded that summer.

In the eighth grade, I started getting this feeling. Something I'd felt before, but never at such a high level. It's hard to describe. It's like this- When you're incredibly tired and bored, and maybe you stare at the floor and for a few seconds, you're thoughtless and completely separated from realty. Not asleep, but mentally vacant. Or if you're driving down the highway, trying to stay awake at night, and you sort of "zone out". It's that feeling of disconnection from reality, only with the ability to think and perform normal tasks perfectly. This feeling started consuming me. I'd only snap out of it halfway through the day, then before bed. Before it fully consumed me, the only time I was in touch with reality was the first couple seconds upon waking in the morning. When that slipped too, I was hopeless. I was so scared of what was happening to me. Did I have a brain tumor? Was I just crazy? I started questioning myself more than ever. I couldn't stop thinking I was in a coma or something and I was dreaming. I'd try and touch things just to see if they were real. Everything just felt lifeless and fake, like styrofoam.

Now this feeling has lived with me since. I'm now a sophomore in high school. The only time I can make it go away, even in the slightest, is with a few mental techniques. I'll get coffee or tea and sit outside. Focus on reality and feeling it. I have to be completely relaxed. If anyone wants to know my specific methods, I'd be more than happy to tell you, it's helped me more than anything.

After the 8th grade, I got more symptoms. I started losing touch with reality. I lost some close connection with people. I'd wake up some days and it would seem as if everything was in HD after being in 420p the day before. I heard voices. Never saying anything harsh. Just odd. In freshman year of high school I started to hallucinate regularly without any hallucinogens, or drugs of any kind. This would all act out more in periods where I was either more stressed or had less sleep. It was then that my anxiety got MUCH worse. I had nervous ticks. It was hard to function in school. My attention span was beyond awful.

Regarding other symptoms, I have these images or scenes that get stuck in my head. Impossible to get out. Like its there every time I close my eyes. With that, I'm usually completely stuck on some thought about existence or the human experience that I don't want to think about anymore. At some points, my thoughts have gotten so racy and persistent that it drives me insane. My perception of my body is off. As I write this my hands don't seem like my own, they switch from seeming enormous to seeming tiny. With that same feeling, I can change how tall I feel just by focusing on it enough. It's been so long I hardly recognize myself in a mirror. I have no real sense of self. I don't feel like any of my memories are my own. Ive forgotten most of my past at this point anyways. Its incredibly hard to think sometimes. So much that Ill stop mid-sentence because I can't concentrate on the words. I have PTSD and I'm sure it's related. The worse thing is, when I'm so spaced out, I can't retain the memory of that moment. So all of my memory since the 8th grade is either lost, or so jumbled that it's all a blur. It hurts my social life because people think I just disregard our pasts. This emotional baggage is also so heavy that letting my girlfriends in has always led to them leaving me. These things have led me to be quite hesitant to tell people who I am to a certain extent.

This summer was a hard one. Which is bad because I, at least in some way, have some kind of seasonal affective disorder thing going on because my mood is VERY reliant on the weather and the season. I live in Colorado and our winters are long, which is when I'm most depressed unfortunately. Anyways, I started getting this feeling after school was out. Like something was wrong but I couldn't pinpoint it. Very unsettling. Like when you see a word that is clearly spelled wrong but you don't know how to correct it. With that was this sinking feeling. It would come and go in various strengths. Its very hollow and hopeless. Like the world is hung on a ledge by its fingertips and your slowly watching it finally lose its grip and leave you eternally. Feeling so lost and numb. What's interesting is how instantly it can just leave and leave me numb like it never happened. I wouldn't even care. I'd wake up so lost, like the sinking feeling had finally gone on to the point where I'd hit the bottom. I'd sit out on a curb so gone and dissociative, then get back inside and feel as if nothing had happened.

Now my sophomore has started, my anxiety is getting quite bad again, and I'm very stressed. My eye is currently twitching. I'm scared of what will happen to me this winter as I'm sure I'll get quite depressed. Every year it gets worse, and I'm not sure if I can really do this. My mind slips further and further from my reach every year and despite the work I put into making sure I'm okay, I still don't know. I suppose I shouldn't get too fixated on it.

This obviously isn't everything, and I'm sure I'll kick myself later for forgetting something. I'm sorry this is so long too. Thank you for reading, I'd love to talk to anyone who connects with what I've said.


----------



## Wendy

monibuvy1357 said:


> Hey guys! I'm new to the site, it's my 2nd time here but I already feel better knowing other people know how I feel. Im not sure what I have going on with my brain, but what the people on this sight talk about it absolutely dead on with certain symptoms I have, but not all. So I'd like to hear what you have to say. What's very hard is explaining to others what is going on in my head, and I know they don't understand fully. I don't blame them. So I suppose I'll try to explain this again and I'd love comments/replies, anything in response to this. ESPECIALLY if you know how I feel.
> 
> Giving an in-depth summary of my past doesn't seem like a bunch of fun if you know what I mean. But I'll do my best. I'm the youngest on the family, with 3 older brothers. Obviously I was beaten up and teased a lot growing up. It stopped for the most part when I was around 10. I'm 15 now. I've moved several times, the first time being maybe 4 years ago. Around then, my parents split. My mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer. To cut to the chase, she passed away a couple of years later, and it's been an issue in the family as we're all boys and weren't too fond of talking through it. Theres obviously more to it than that simplified version, but thats the jist. Since then, my mental state has slowly deteriorated. It started off with disassociation, just being wrapped up in my head or tv. From that, my go to view of my life is very cinematic. Can't complain much though, I try and have fun with it haha. For about a year, I thought I had gotten over it when I actually hadn't dealt with my past in the slightest. In the seventh grade, I had severe depression. I couldn't force myself to go to school on some days. However, that faded that summer.
> 
> In the eighth grade, I started getting this feeling. Something I'd felt before, but never at such a high level. It's hard to describe. It's like this- When you're incredibly tired and bored, and maybe you stare at the floor and for a few seconds, you're thoughtless and completely separated from realty. Not asleep, but mentally vacant. Or if you're driving down the highway, trying to stay awake at night, and you sort of "zone out". It's that feeling of disconnection from reality, only with the ability to think and perform normal tasks perfectly. This feeling started consuming me. I'd only snap out of it halfway through the day, then before bed. Before it fully consumed me, the only time I was in touch with reality was the first couple seconds upon waking in the morning. When that slipped too, I was hopeless. I was so scared of what was happening to me. Did I have a brain tumor? Was I just crazy? I started questioning myself more than ever. I couldn't stop thinking I was in a coma or something and I was dreaming. I'd try and touch things just to see if they were real. Everything just felt lifeless and fake, like styrofoam.
> 
> Now this feeling has lived with me since. I'm now a sophomore in high school. The only time I can make it go away, even in the slightest, is with a few mental techniques. I'll get coffee or tea and sit outside. Focus on reality and feeling it. I have to be completely relaxed. If anyone wants to know my specific methods, I'd be more than happy to tell you, it's helped me more than anything.
> 
> After the 8th grade, I got more symptoms. I started losing touch with reality. I lost some close connection with people. I'd wake up some days and it would seem as if everything was in HD after being in 420p the day before. I heard voices. Never saying anything harsh. Just odd. In freshman year of high school I started to hallucinate regularly without any hallucinogens, or drugs of any kind. This would all act out more in periods where I was either more stressed or had less sleep. It was then that my anxiety got MUCH worse. I had nervous ticks. It was hard to function in school. My attention span was beyond awful.
> 
> Regarding other symptoms, I have these images or scenes that get stuck in my head. Impossible to get out. Like its there every time I close my eyes. With that, I'm usually completely stuck on some thought about existence or the human experience that I don't want to think about anymore. At some points, my thoughts have gotten so racy and persistent that it drives me insane. My perception of my body is off. As I write this my hands don't seem like my own, they switch from seeming enormous to seeming tiny. With that same feeling, I can change how tall I feel just by focusing on it enough. It's been so long I hardly recognize myself in a mirror. I have no real sense of self. I don't feel like any of my memories are my own. Ive forgotten most of my past at this point anyways. Its incredibly hard to think sometimes. So much that Ill stop mid-sentence because I can't concentrate on the words. I have PTSD and I'm sure it's related. The worse thing is, when I'm so spaced out, I can't retain the memory of that moment. So all of my memory since the 8th grade is either lost, or so jumbled that it's all a blur. It hurts my social life because people think I just disregard our pasts. This emotional baggage is also so heavy that letting my girlfriends in has always led to them leaving me. These things have led me to be quite hesitant to tell people who I am to a certain extent.
> 
> This summer was a hard one. Which is bad because I, at least in some way, have some kind of seasonal affective disorder thing going on because my mood is VERY reliant on the weather and the season. I live in Colorado and our winters are long, which is when I'm most depressed unfortunately. Anyways, I started getting this feeling after school was out. Like something was wrong but I couldn't pinpoint it. Very unsettling. Like when you see a word that is clearly spelled wrong but you don't know how to correct it. With that was this sinking feeling. It would come and go in various strengths. Its very hollow and hopeless. Like the world is hung on a ledge by its fingertips and your slowly watching it finally lose its grip and leave you eternally. Feeling so lost and numb. What's interesting is how instantly it can just leave and leave me numb like it never happened. I wouldn't even care. I'd wake up so lost, like the sinking feeling had finally gone on to the point where I'd hit the bottom. I'd sit out on a curb so gone and dissociative, then get back inside and feel as if nothing had happened.
> 
> Now my sophomore has started, my anxiety is getting quite bad again, and I'm very stressed. My eye is currently twitching. I'm scared of what will happen to me this winter as I'm sure I'll get quite depressed. Every year it gets worse, and I'm not sure if I can really do this. My mind slips further and further from my reach every year and despite the work I put into making sure I'm okay, I still don't know. I suppose I shouldn't get too fixated on it.
> 
> This obviously isn't everything, and I'm sure I'll kick myself later for forgetting something. I'm sorry this is so long too. Thank you for reading, I'd love to talk to anyone who connects with what I've said.


Firstly, welcome to the site, my friend!  I hope that you find what you're looking for here; it's proven to be incredibly beneficial to people.

Next, I can relate to your mentally vacant feeling. I've done that all my life, without complete unreality. I used to do it when I was in trouble; I'd force myself into that position so that I could drain out all the yelling, screaming, getting in trouble voice stuff, haha. I know where you're coming from with that. You also mention that you have PTSD; that could definitely be connected. Are you currently attending any therapy for it?


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## beautiful one

Hi, my name is Beautiful One. I have had depersonalization most of my life. I am in my mid forties. I went through years of all kinds of abuse.I have been in therapy for D I D and depersonalization since I was 18. Things are still no better or different than when I started. I found this group because I feel alone and decided to see if there are was a support group for me. Thanks for letting me join you.

Beautiful One


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## Wendy

beautiful one said:


> Hi, my name is Beautiful One. I have had depersonalization most of my life. I am in my mid forties. I went through years of all kinds of abuse.I have been in therapy for D I D and depersonalization since I was 18. Things are still no better or different than when I started. I found this group because I feel alone and decided to see if there are was a support group for me. Thanks for letting me join you.
> 
> Beautiful One


Welcome to the forum, Beautiful One!  I hope that you find what you're looking for here!


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## peaches66

Like a lot of people, I'm not really sure if I'm responding correctly, but oh well. In response to SolomanOrlando, yes I get therapy for it. If my therapist is reading this, hey haha. She really helps me, but the feelings persist as far as whatever it is that's happening to me. And I've done the same, using it to sort of check out of situations I didn't want to be in. Is there any way to chat on this site one on one? Or just email? I'd love to ask you some questions, if that's okay.


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## Wendy

There is a way to chat one-on-one! Find a user that you want to chat with, click their username - it will take you to a profile and you can click "Message" to send them something privately.


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## benman19

Hello, my depersonalized brethren!
I've been lurking this forum for the past few weeks, reading up on old topics, just to find that I feel the same as many others here do.

I've known the feeling of derealization since I was in primary school. However back then it usually only came along when I hadn't slept enough or I was under a lot of stress; for instance whenever I went on rollercoaster rides, I would feel derealization afterwards. Back then I didn't really comprehend the feeling and thought it was simply tiredness or something like that.

About 10 years ago I started having panic attacks. I was scared of all sorts of things, mainly diseases but also supernatural things like alien invasions or other ridiculous scenarios. I was about 10 years old. That is when my panic disorder and hypochondria first started to kick in. I've gone through all kinds of phases of it since then, usually resulting in me having a panic attack every other day for around three to four weeks and then calming down and going back to a more normal, more peaceful state of mind. This happens around once or twice a year. Depersonalization, however, was never an issue that came along with the panic attacks and all the other symptoms (dizziness, sleeping problems, muscle pains, headaches...).

In my most recent phase, however, it has. I thought I was going nuts, I just don't feel like myself at all. When it is at its worst, I feel absolutely disconnected from the rest of the world, like I'm somewhere else entirely. It's as if I'm watching someone elses life in first-person perspective. My arms feel like they don't belong to me, my head feels incredibly light, as if it were filled with helium. When I touch things, say a cup of hot tea, I can feel the heat from the cup on my hand, but it's like the hand isn't mine. It's hard to describe..

The worst part is that I also feel emotionally detatched. Sometimes it's as if I can't feel any emotions whatsoever. Very often I fear of losing the connections to my friends and family, losing the ability to love so to say. Then at times I can feel emotions very strong, however usually only sadness and anger.
I also lost my sense of time. Before, I always knew what day and what month it was, and usually I could guess the time pretty easily. Now, however, I can remember what day it is when I look at a calendar, but if I just woke up and someone asked me what day it was.. well, it could be a Wednesday in June or a Sunday in March, I just have no clue. Not having a job or being in school doesn't help that I suppose.. (I start university in little over a month, but until then I have nothing to do all day..)

I also feel like I can't understand even the simplest things, even though I can understand them. (Again, difficult to explain).
I will be watching a movie, for example, and I'll be able to follow the plot and the character developments, but somehow I can't. I really can't explain very well, my apologies.

It's different every day. Today I felt pretty real most of the time, I think I only had around 10 minutes of derealization. However my sense of time is still not there and I am still very easily confused. Yesterday I was absolutely fine, pretty much back to normal. The day before: my body was here but I was somewhere else.

Most people whos stories I've read on here seem to have got their dp through drugs. I got mine from my panic disorder and hypochondria, as I mentioned above. I don't know if there are many others on here who are the same as me..
If you are and are reading this, feel free to message me. Maybe we can share experiences. After all, that's what this forum is for, right?

I think I have a relatively mild form of dp compared to others in this forum, I hope nobody will hate me for that. (I also have social anxiety, I don't know if you can tell) But when it comes it's still really scary. I'm scared it's gonna stay forever, I'm scared that I will never love my friends and family the way I did before. I'm scared I can never listen to music again and feel the joy, anger, sadness or contentment it triggered inside me before. I'm scared I can never be myself again.

Anyway. It's 4am where I live (Germany). So much for losing my sense of time, I could have sworn it was only midnight a few seconds ago...
I'm glad to have found this forum, simply reading about others who feel the same as I do, who go through what I'm going through and maybe even worse, to read stories of how people got cured, it calms me down immensely. It makes me feel less scared of the whole thing and it gives me hope that I will get out of this. I know, I've only had it a few weeks and that is nothing compared to others who have been suffering for years, but like I said, having had it for a shorter time doesn't make it less scary.

Ben


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## Wendy

benman19 said:


> I think I have a relatively mild form of dp compared to others in this forum, I hope nobody will hate me for that. (I also have social anxiety, I don't know if you can tell) But when it comes it's still really scary. I'm scared it's gonna stay forever, I'm scared that I will never love my friends and family the way I did before. I'm scared I can never listen to music again and feel the joy, anger, sadness or contentment it triggered inside me before. I'm scared I can never be myself again.
> 
> Anyway. It's 4am where I live (Germany). So much for losing my sense of time, I could have sworn it was only midnight a few seconds ago...
> I'm glad to have found this forum, simply reading about others who feel the same as I do, who go through what I'm going through and maybe even worse, to read stories of how people got cured, it calms me down immensely. It makes me feel less scared of the whole thing and it gives me hope that I will get out of this. I know, I've only had it a few weeks and that is nothing compared to others who have been suffering for years, but like I said, having had it for a shorter time doesn't make it less scary.
> 
> Ben


No one will hate you for having a mild form of Depersonalized - this is a support group and we support each-other, no matter what! With that being said, welcome to the forum, Ben. 

A lot of people have the same fears as you; not being able to love again, not ever feeling real in the future, etc. Believe me when I say, _everyone will recover_ - there hasn't been a case of Depersonalization that's been permanent. As long as you work on recovery, work with your issues, and solve the root cause, you'll be fine. As you've been traipsing around the forum for a couple weeks now, I'm sure you're familiar with the Recovery Stories tab; if not, try to use that for some help on recovery options!

Hopefully everything gets better for you soon. Welcome to the community and best of luck! Cheers!


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## benman19

SolomonOrlando said:


> No one will hate you for having a mild form of Depersonalized - this is a support group and we support each-other, no matter what! With that being said, welcome to the forum, Ben.
> 
> A lot of people have the same fears as you; not being able to love again, not ever feeling real in the future, etc. Believe me when I say, _everyone will recover_ - there hasn't been a case of Depersonalization that's been permanent. As long as you work on recovery, work with your issues, and solve the root cause, you'll be fine. As you've been traipsing around the forum for a couple weeks now, I'm sure you're familiar with the Recovery Stories tab; if not, try to use that for some help on recovery options!
> 
> Hopefully everything gets better for you soon. Welcome to the community and best of luck! Cheers!


I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, I think that counts as working on recovery, right?
As for the Recovery Stories tab, I haven't really seen that, no. I was browsing with my phone and I'm really bad with phones; this is the first time I'm on the site on my PC. Will check it out.

And now it's 4:40am. But I can't sleep, anyway.
Thanks for the warm welcome!


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## Wendy

benman19 said:


> I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, I think that counts as working on recovery, right?
> As for the Recovery Stories tab, I haven't really seen that, no. I was browsing with my phone and I'm really bad with phones; this is the first time I'm on the site on my PC. Will check it out.
> 
> And now it's 4:40am. But I can't sleep, anyway.
> Thanks for the warm welcome!


That counts, definitely! Having a professional opinion can benefit you greatly! Good luck with that.


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## Cisforcaro

Hello! My name is Caroline. I'm 27, female and I've been suffering DP/DR on and off for about 8 years. My first experience with it was brought on by smoking weed when I was 18 (2006). I was able to control it and started seeing a therapist until about 2010 when I met my husband. Shortly after we got together I had a very bad relapse of it, but was able to return to normal. I used to be able to feel it come on and distract myself enough to make it stop.

We have two children and I was fine during my first pregnancy and her first year but after my second child, who I had 8 month ago, I've just been feeling like I'm falling deeper. Like I started questioning everything and being unable to eat because I felt like food wasn't real.

My OBGYN prescribed me 20mg of celexa which I've only had two doses of. Yesterday was my first day of it and I got worse. I started (still wondering to be honest) if everyone around me was a hallucination. I started reading about hallucinations which made it worse because I was reading that you can have relationships with your hallucinations and feel them. I'm still struggling with this concept.

Last night I had my husband and mother in law take me for an assessment and I got in a partial therapy program that I hopefully start tomorrow. I took the celexa again and I truly think it's making my feelings worse, even though the doctors told me to give it a few days...

I just want reassurance...I've been lurking on here for a few days and sometimes I feel slightly better and sometimes I feel much worse.


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## Wendy

Cisforcaro said:


> Hello! My name is Caroline. I'm 27, female and I've been suffering DP/DR on and off for about 8 years. My first experience with it was brought on by smoking weed when I was 18 (2006). I was able to control it and started seeing a therapist until about 2010 when I met my husband. Shortly after we got together I had a very bad relapse of it, but was able to return to normal. I used to be able to feel it come on and distract myself enough to make it stop.
> 
> We have two children and I was fine during my first pregnancy and her first year but after my second child, who I had 8 month ago, I've just been feeling like I'm falling deeper. Like I started questioning everything and being unable to eat because I felt like food wasn't real.
> 
> My OBGYN prescribed me 20mg of celexa which I've only had two doses of. Yesterday was my first day of it and I got worse. I started (still wondering to be honest) if everyone around me was a hallucination. I started reading about hallucinations which made it worse because I was reading that you can have relationships with your hallucinations and feel them. I'm still struggling with this concept.
> 
> Last night I had my husband and mother in law take me for an assessment and I got in a partial therapy program that I hopefully start tomorrow. I took the celexa again and I truly think it's making my feelings worse, even though the doctors told me to give it a few days...
> 
> I just want reassurance...I've been lurking on here for a few days and sometimes I feel slightly better and sometimes I feel much worse.


Welcome to the site, Caroline!

Hopefully this community will help you! Best of luck! Feel free to post around as much as you'd like!


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## Cisforcaro

I'm having a particularly bad day today. And I made the mistake of reading some threads on here about schizophrenia and now I think I made myself hallucinate...


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## Wendy

Cisforcaro said:


> I'm having a particularly bad day today. And I made the mistake of reading some threads on here about schizophrenia and now I think I made myself hallucinate...


You cannot make yourself hallucinate - you're most likely in a state of hyper-awareness, your obsession over Schizophrenia is probably making it worse. Try to calm yourself down; this is Depersonalization - *not schizophrenia.*


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## moose_504

Hello, I'm Charles.
I got dp/dr from weed, around mid-August.. But I slept it off in 3 days... However about two weeks after that, I had a panic attack and I experienced dp/Dr... But it wouldn't go away, no matter how long I slept.. I didn't know what it was, so I was having multiple panic attacks every day.. Then I found out it was dp/dr...
I just feel so detached from everything, all the time.. And it's scary and frustrating, and I just want it to end..


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## llammer

Hello everyone, my name is Laura and I've been depressed most of my life.

I do get a mild form of dp every now and then but never knew it could get so bad. My girlfriend has never felt it before and for the last 2 weeks she's been talking to me about this really strong feeling of not feeling like herself, detached from everything all the time and it's really freaking her out. We do believe after some research she's been going through a severe phase of dp (can it be just a phase?). I'm really sorry I'm not so familiarised with the feeling in this strength  That's why I'm here. I really want to help her. She's been going on about how she's not been a very good company lately and that she doesn't want to drag me to this numbness she's been in and I keep reassuring her that I'd never leave and I'm really willing to do whatever it takes to help her. What are your suggestions? Is there a kind of therapy that is better for dp cases? Is there any medication that really works? She's been taking fluoxetine for the last month... I hope I'm not out of place here but I think if I understood what you guys go through it might be able to help her and other people around here as well!

Thank you a lot!


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## sarahelizabeth48120

Hey everyone my name is Sarah. I've been dealing with DP for a while now. I also have depression, panic and anxiety. Atleast the depression was diagnosed by my doctor. I was on prozac for a while and I went into the ward because at that time I was thinking of suicide. I was in for about a week. I don't think of that now. But now I have DP on a high level. I wake up and don't know who I am, where I am. I get so scared of my self and everything around me. Often I think everything is a dream. Like I am going to wake up and be back at my moms house when I first got out of the hospital. I feel like my brain and body and soul are all separated sometimes. I am terrified I am never going to be back to me again. Some times I feel like I can't recognize my family and friends. Idk what to do.


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## Wendy

Moose_504 said:


> Hello, I'm Charles.
> I got dp/dr from weed, around mid-August.. But I slept it off in 3 days... However about two weeks after that, I had a panic attack and I experienced dp/Dr... But it wouldn't go away, no matter how long I slept.. I didn't know what it was, so I was having multiple panic attacks every day.. Then I found out it was dp/dr...
> I just feel so detached from everything, all the time.. And it's scary and frustrating, and I just want it to end..


Welcome to the site, Charles. 

It can be wholly difficult to deal with something like this, as most every member in this community can attest, but we'll all get through it. There's some Recovery Stories you can view around the site that are great for finding ways to cope with this unreality. Also, have you considered therapy?



llammer said:


> Hello everyone, my name is Laura and I've been depressed most of my life.
> 
> I do get a mild form of dp every now and then but never knew it could get so bad. My girlfriend has never felt it before and for the last 2 weeks she's been talking to me about this really strong feeling of not feeling like herself, detached from everything all the time and it's really freaking her out. We do believe after some research she's been going through a severe phase of dp (can it be just a phase?). I'm really sorry I'm not so familiarised with the feeling in this strength  That's why I'm here. I really want to help her. She's been going on about how she's not been a very good company lately and that she doesn't want to drag me to this numbness she's been in and I keep reassuring her that I'd never leave and I'm really willing to do whatever it takes to help her. What are your suggestions? Is there a kind of therapy that is better for dp cases? Is there any medication that really works? She's been taking fluoxetine for the last month... I hope I'm not out of place here but I think if I understood what you guys go through it might be able to help her and other people around here as well!
> 
> Thank you a lot!


Welcome to the site, Laura!

Depersonalization can just be a phase, but it's more important that you analyze what initially caused her Depersonalization so that it isn't likely to come back. In most of cases of Depersonalization & Derealization, there's something that triggers it, whether it's drugs or anxiety, there's something that makes the unreality sprout up. What that is, I cannot be too sure, but is there anything in her life that may be particularly distressing? Also, many users here like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy as their therapy of choice, but it's all based on preference, really.

You're definitely not out of place, Laura. Our community welcomes you and hope that you find ways to help your girlfriend. Feel free to post around as much as you'd like and, as always, feel free to reply to this thread as much as you'd like. Hope everything works out for you!



sarahelizabeth48120 said:


> Hey everyone my name is Sarah. I've been dealing with DP for a while now. I also have depression, panic and anxiety. Atleast the depression was diagnosed by my doctor. I was on prozac for a while and I went into the ward because at that time I was thinking of suicide. I was in for about a week. I don't think of that now. But now I have DP on a high level. I wake up and don't know who I am, where I am. I get so scared of my self and everything around me. Often I think everything is a dream. Like I am going to wake up and be back at my moms house when I first got out of the hospital. I feel like my brain and body and soul are all separated sometimes. I am terrified I am never going to be back to me again. Some times I feel like I can't recognize my family and friends. Idk what to do.


Hello, Sarah, welcome to the site.

Some keys things I've noticed in this post is that you have "depression, panic and anxiety" which can cause, or at least exacerbate, unreality. It may be wise to find ways to lower that (you can always look at our Recovery Stories panel at the top bar of the site, which has useful information in regards to that sometime). You say that you were given Prozac, are you still attending regular sessions with that doctor / therapist?


----------



## Hakumen

Hi everybody, I'm a guy and my late twenties and this is my first post and I will try to keep it brief.

My experience with depersonalisation is mild compared to many of the cases I've read here, but I find my issues distressing nevertheless. Feelings of depresonalisation have been with me for a long time (maybe always), but it is only recently that I found a word for it through my psychiatric nurse.

My depersonalisation got worse recently when I tried dating a girl. Intimacy seems to be the trigger. Sometimes I would instantly lose all my feeling for her, it felt like a cold wave washing over me. The world around me started to feel unreal, almost like I was watching a movie in which I play a character. This thing also affected my vision I felt literally empty. It felt like going nuts, but I know by know that the feeling will always pass, so I'm not going get all panicky in the future.

Some days were better than others and I had good days with feelings of genuine intimacy between us, but sometimes these episodes of depersonalisation left me feeling empty for days or even weeks. And this is where I'm kind of stuck right now. Most of the times I feel like my feelings are not there. I feel so indifferent towards life and my date (things are pretty much over, but she obviously still likes me) that it scares me. I wonder if similar feelings are common amongst the people here? I would love to like her again, if that makes any sense. 

I'm not sure if I should attribute this loss of feelings to depersonalisation -- maybe it's like an aftershock that lingers for a while -- or my depression, anhedonia being one of the common symptoms.

My nurse may recommend psychotherapy at some point, she said it seems like my issues are trauma related. I did grow up in a pretty dysfunctional family, which might have affected me. My first and only serious relationship was also plagued by similar problems. This short spell of dating feels like condensed and more extreme version of it.

Thank you for reading.


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## Strength&Hope

Hey everyone! I'm a girl and I'm 22, I'll be 23 this month. I've had anxiety for most of my life and depression for over 10 years now. I didn't get DP/DR until 2010. I'm new here and I've actually never talked to anyone else who is going through what I am even though I've been dealing with this for almost 4 years now. I really think it would help if I talked to people who know how I feel and know what I am going through. I've kept it to myself except for trying to explain it to a few people when it first happened but after I realized they had no idea what I was talking about, I decided to never tell anyone again and it's honestly been VERY hard dealing with this alone and never talking about it these past 4 years. I've never felt so alone in my whole life. I was getting better very slowly after 10 months but just recently I lost the most important person to me and my home so it's back 100% again and it's been a nightmare. I hope I can slowly feel better again but without that person here for me and being in my safe place, my home, I just don't have any hope this time. I can't wait to talk to people who actually understand me. I've hated being alone in this and having to pretend like I'm a normal person with everyone in my life when actually I'm living a nightmare. I went to the doctors once in 2010 when this started and tried explaining how I felt but of course, no one understands so that's the first and last time I ever attempted getting help. I haven't tried any medication at all or any therapy for this.


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## fitzgerald21

Hi everybody, I'm Ryan.

I have been living with depersonalization for about 6 or 7 years now, its hard for me to pinpoint exactly where it started. I'm 19 now, so that means it started when I was 12 or 13, around middle school age. This disorder has basically taken over my life, and it's a non-stop, always there kind of thing (besides maybe a few days). Although I'm 100% sure I have this disorder now, up until about last year I had literally no idea what was going on, but seeing this site and a bunch of others has helped clear things up, giving me comfort that I'm not alone, although not really making anything much easier.

To start, I watched the videos by Harris Harrington (The Total Integration Method), which has a lot of helpful tips, and I understand a lot about the disorder now. In his videos, he says that DP comes from trauma, and a bunch of other stuff. But when I got to really thinking about it, I remember about 5th or 6th grade, there is like 7 or 8 instances (probably more) where I was told to "leave", or "go away", or some rendition of that because I was being annoying, or because I was being more self aware than I was before which made me anxious. These people who did this were the people I had set up in my head as the "cool" kids. This either happened at a lunch table, or church camp, or in my neighborhood, or I can remember even my own brother's doing this to me at one point in a way. Each time it made me feel more and more worthless, and my reaction for some reason was to just push it down, to disassociate from the whole thing, like nothing was wrong. Before this point, my friendships consisted of two or three really close friends who I did everything together with. So after a while of this going on I guess, sometime in middle school, it happened.

I had literally no clue what was going on, I just felt strange. At first it was just this feeling in my stomach, this tightening that confused me so much. I hated this feeling in my stomach, and this feeling of anxiousness and confusion I was feeling, so I just to told myself "don't think about it" over and over and over again, just trying to avoid the feeling, or trying to stop it whatever way I could. At this point, going to school got hard, and I hated interacting with people (although I didn't know it). Beforehand I was this super happy-go-lucky, not a care in the world, fun loving, and very emotional kind of kid, but after this things got super hard. So I knew who I was before this, so I in turn felt like I had to act like this person, even though I really never felt it, I forced myself to be super social all the time, seem super happy, fun, and most people even till this day would think I'm the last person to be depressed or going through anything as terrible as this, they just think my life's perfect. (Side note: around this time is where I got introduced to porn and started hiding all that from my parents, so I feel like there might be a correlation there.) So After this, my friendships began to change drastically. I lost my best friends (and I can't remember anything that happened) who were the "cool" kids, and I can still remember my mom asking a bunch why I didn't hang out with them anymore, and it was because I felt worthless, and not good enough to hang out with those guys, but I couldn't tell my mom that so I always made up excuses. Afterwords, I had a lot of acquaintances. I was the master of making very surface level relationships, always staying on the outside of every relationship, never letting people anywhere close to what I was feeling, and never even questioning the fact that I was doing this.

So fast forward to about Junior year, I had been hating life ever since that day in middle school, although I had no idea why. Up until this point, I still thought everything I was going through was normal, that everyone had to "act" emotions and everybody felt the way I did, but all I knew is that I was not enjoying life. Sometime during this year, I either heard my parents talking, or something triggered the idea that I might be struggling with some sort of mental illness. Such as my parents were telling me that depression and anxiety runs on my mom's side of the family. At this point I told my parents that I thought that I had anxiety, and that everything was definitely not normal with me. This was really scary because I had never told anyone what was going on on the inside, because my biggest fear is that people know me for who I truly am. The thought that people know all the crap I'm going through, and that I have all these struggles, and that everything is not alright is my biggest fear, because I think it makes everything so much more real, and then I have to deal with it instead of pretending everything's alright all the time, living in my made up world on the outside. So after my parents knew about my social anxiety, they set me up with a psychologist, who I tried to be completely honest with about everything, but I honestly didn't know how to be at that point, because things were so confused in my mind that I never knew what was going on anyway. So after a while of that I ended up trying the medications. This was weird, because the first medicine I tried, I had this day where everything was great, I wasn't depersonalized, I felt like my old self, everything felt real, it was awesome. but the effect slowly dwindled as I kept taking it. After I realized it wasn't working, i tried again with another pill, which did the exact same thing. It was like the pills were working awesomely, but wearing off super quick. So this lasted till about time to head off to college.

College first year was about as I expected, not really any different, not really comprehending anything, always stuck in this rut. Then, through trying to explain what I felt like to someone, I said something like "theres this wall, or barrier in front of me all the time, disconnecting me from everything thats going on and never able to escape" or something to that nature. He then said that it sounded like I was detached from everything, and that word stuck with me, so I googled something like "feeling detached", and finally found depersonalization on like wikipedia or something, and did some researching and came to the conclusion that yes, this is everything I've been going through. From there I've found out a bunch of stuff, and lately I've done a lot of introspection (which I've never really done before), which has really helped understand these negative thought patterns and what not I've been having.

What I've found out:

I feel Identity-less, like I'm not really a person. I look down at my hands and it freaks me out.

I feel like I'm on auto pilot all the time

The reason I don't tell people whats going on with me and fee like I need to act is out of a fear that people will see me for who I am, and that I'm almost ashamed of myself for having this disorder and all these problems, and I put everybody above myself, thinking my thoughts don't matter, and nothing I do matters.

Although being a "Christian" since as long as I can remember, and even being a bible study leader right now and trying really hard, God does not feel real to me, as nothing else feels real to me. Even DP doesn't feel real to me most of the time.

I've found that nothing gets to me. Like when my grandma died, I had this feeling of apathy, and even at her funeral I didn't feel anything, the only thing I felt was anxiousness that I didn't feel anything about it, and more anxiousness about the fact that I needed to act like I was super sad and all that.

I never look forward to anything, and I'm always feeling heavy, and depressed, and tired because I'm always acting.

Being able to just be, not have to think about everything I'm doing, and just being is possible, just really hard. Theres been a few days that I've been able to do it.

Theres a lot more, I could go on forever, but this is already ridiculously long (sorry to anyone who actually reads this). I really hope that someone can relate to some of this and we can talk, cause I'm tired of feeling so isolated.


----------



## Wendy

Welcome to the site, Ryan. I'm truly sorry you have to go through this, but we've all been where you are and this community is here to help! I hope you find everything you need on this site. As for your post, a lot of what you said stuck with me because I've experienced the same things you have. Maybe not the extent of your entire life, but I know what it feels like.



> I remember about 5th or 6th grade, there is like 7 or 8 instances (probably more) where I was told to "leave", or "go away", or some rendition of that because I was being annoying, or because I was being more self aware than I was before which made me anxious. These people who did this were the people I had set up in my head as the "cool" kids. This either happened at a lunch table, or church camp, or in my neighborhood, or I can remember even my own brother's doing this to me at one point in a way. Each time it made me feel more and more worthless, and my reaction for some reason was to just push it down, to disassociate from the whole thing, like nothing was wrong. Before this point, my friendships consisted of two or three really close friends who I did everything together with. So after a while of this going on I guess, sometime in middle school, it happened.


I remember this happening to me quite often. I actually really on have two to three best friends right now, not many people actually hang out with me and I've never really known anything different. People seem to hang out with dozens, sometimes even hundreds, of people every month - I seem to have a trend of only have one-to-five friends throughout my entire life. I always thought that it was better that way anyway, but it was more because I have extreme social anxiety and can't really make more friends than what I have. Even if I did (and I've tried before), it becomes way too overwhelming for me to handle.



> I feel Identity-less, like I'm not really a person. I look down at my hands and it freaks me out.
> 
> I feel like I'm on auto pilot all the time
> 
> The reason I don't tell people whats going on with me and fee like I need to act is out of a fear that people will see me for who I am, and that I'm almost ashamed of myself for having this disorder and all these problems, and I put everybody above myself, thinking my thoughts don't matter, and nothing I do matters.


I know all of this, as a long-time sufferer of Depersonalization, I can tell you that most of these are text-book examples of symptoms stemming from unreality. Auto-pilot is one of the biggest definitions of Depersonalization on this site, in my opinion, so you'll find many people here that have had the same experience, don't worry about fitting in or not. As for your last comment, you should never feel ashamed for having these problems and this disorder. You're not broken, you're not weak, you're not meaningless - everyone deserves to lead a happy life, regardless of what they experience.



> I've found that nothing gets to me. Like when my grandma died, I had this feeling of apathy, and even at her funeral I didn't feel anything, the only thing I felt was anxiousness that I didn't feel anything about it, and more anxiousness about the fact that I needed to act like I was super sad and all that.


Apathy is another common thing that happens with Depersonalization. "Two areas of the brain that are essential in understanding the exceptionally common symptom of hypoemotionality in Depersonalization Disorder are the amygdala and the medial prefrontal cortex. The amygdala, a core component of the limbic system that serves as the basis for emotional responses in the brain, has been found to be underactive in those afflicted with Depersonalization Disorder." You're not alone in this; while some people may not have this happen to them as an individual suffering from unreality, it certainly happens to a good chunk of sufferers.



> Theres a lot more, I could go on forever, but this is already ridiculously long (sorry to anyone who actually reads this). I really hope that someone can relate to some of this and we can talk, cause I'm tired of feeling so isolated.


Don't apologize for long posts, we're here for you. Feel free to go around on the site and check some things out, I've left some links for you below to check out some recovery stories and some other good tabs on the site. I hope everything gets better for you soon and I'm sorry you have to suffer through this - but you're not alone and you're not isolate. Keep your head up, focus on recovery, and this community will be here to support you every step of the way, if you wish it. Cheers! 


Recovery Stories.
_User Blogs._
_Coping._


----------



## Wendy

Strength&Hope said:


> Hey everyone! I'm a girl and I'm 22, I'll be 23 this month. I've had anxiety for most of my life and depression for over 10 years now. I didn't get DP/DR until 2010. I'm new here and I've actually never talked to anyone else who is going through what I am even though I've been dealing with this for almost 4 years now. I really think it would help if I talked to people who know how I feel and know what I am going through. I've kept it to myself except for trying to explain it to a few people when it first happened but after I realized they had no idea what I was talking about, I decided to never tell anyone again and it's honestly been VERY hard dealing with this alone and never talking about it these past 4 years. I've never felt so alone in my whole life. I was getting better very slowly after 10 months but just recently I lost the most important person to me and my home so it's back 100% again and it's been a nightmare. I hope I can slowly feel better again but without that person here for me and being in my safe place, my home, I just don't have any hope this time. I can't wait to talk to people who actually understand me. I've hated being alone in this and having to pretend like I'm a normal person with everyone in my life when actually I'm living a nightmare. I went to the doctors once in 2010 when this started and tried explaining how I felt but of course, no one understands so that's the first and last time I ever attempted getting help. I haven't tried any medication at all or any therapy for this.


Welcome to the site! I apologize that no one gave you a welcome, that usually doesn't happen. I hope our community benefits you! Feel free to post around as much as you'd like!


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## teranova

Hello,

I'm 22 and have been experiencing dpdr my whole life, up until now- that is when I started to spontaneously 'recover'.

Throughout my life, I always knew that I was different, but I chose to accept the condition as my own personal "normal." It did not bother me so much that I couldn't relate to others' experiences of reality because I sought community through existential philosophy, art, spirituality, etc. These spaces allowed me to see myself as just another variation of the human experience...and since I hadn't ever experienced another way of being, it made the acceptance of my condition compulsory. Throughout childhood I experienced a lot of anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms associated with dpdr. I kept feeling like there was something below the surface that must explain my specific combination of my symptoms, but no adults around me cared to listen, so I learned to live with it. When I was 13 or 14 I found feminism and that greatly improved my self-confidence and ability to relate to others. This lead me down several other pathways that fed my soul and allowed me to build a greater sense of self...but there was always that basic underlying detachment....where I could say "Yes I am a woman." but I didn't really "feel it" in my body...I didn't "feel" like I was in any body at all....I only knew reality through the context of relating to others- what they told me, who they told me I was, how they perceived my actions, etc.

About a month ago this all started to change (granted, with baby steps). I started to feel like I was being "dropped into my body" and things became "more real" like I had never experienced before. It almost felt like I had crossed a threshold into the land of "normal people"- like the veil/haze had lifted. When most stories I've heard talk about this feeling, it's often accompanied by a sense of relief...but having had no memory of ever feeling it before just brings up my previous battles with anxiety.

After 22 years, I have grown comfortable in this dpdr haze, yet there is a part of me that's curious to enter a new chapter of my life where I explore the alternative(s). So if there is any one else can relate to my story, please PM me. This is my first time really coming to terms with the fact that I have this disorder and hearing similar stories would really help!


----------



## La_Brooding_MIsanthropic

Hello...

I'm La. I'm 20yrs old and currently a psychology student. I suffer from Borderline personality disorder (diagnosed) and in my opinion Depression (undiagnosed).

I found this site after frantically searching the web for advice on how to deal with these weird symptoms I was feeling. I don't really know much about depersonalization or derealization and I don't have a panic disorder .. but the things I feel on a regular basis seem to be congruent with the symptoms of those issues, so I just came here hoping to find some answers, some support and advice maybe.

So basically here is an outline of what I feel almost everyday. Firstly, I'd wake up in the morning feeling panicky in an instant because something doesn't feel right. I feel like I don't know who I am... Not in an amnesic "what's my name?" kinda way.. because I know my name, where i live..bla bla.. but I don't feel..me. I don't feel connected to me.. I feel like my mind is not connected to my body. Like i'm not the girl who just got out of bed. It scares the hell out of me so I cry hysterically and generally go back to sleep to avoid the feeling. My own voice would be in my head over and over asking myself "who the hell am i, who the hell am i, what is happening, who am i" repeatedly. I hate it.... If I look in the mirror I don't feel like I am the person in my reflection. I know who she is, but she's not me. As i'm sitting here typing this now i can feel it and it's bringing tears to my eyes. It's frightening. It's like I know who I am but I don't know who I am. I don't feel like I am who i am. I'd look at my hands and although I recognize them, they don't seem like they're my hands. I just don't feel connected. I don't feel like i'm a person. I don't know who that person is. I feel empty. That's one of the reasons I have such a terrible abandonment fear, because once i'm alone it's back to feeling like this. It sometimes happens around people too but I make up for it by overtalking or taking on a persona .. all of which irritates me and makes me hate myself. I engage in self destructive behaviours like overeating, overdrinking, self harming...etc to numb these feelings and/or fill the void inside me.

On the other hand, there is also the foggy feeling. The feeling of being completely disconnected from reality. Like things aren't real. Like i'm living in a dream or in a flashback in a movie. Sometimes it feels like the world is moving around me and i'm standing still or moving slow. I spent my summer back home in Barbados and everything went by reall quickly.. almost felt like some things never happened. Time went really fast and none of it seemed real. When it was going slow, I felt like I was living in a numbing fog. Disconnected from everything.

These feelings affect me everyday and scare the shit out of me. It makes me panic, it makes me cry. I want to know how to get rid of it, if it's possible. Does it mean I have another mental illness? What do i/can i do? I need help. These feelings lead me to really dangerous behaviours to feel real.


----------



## Wendy

teranova said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm 22 and have been experiencing dpdr my whole life, up until now- that is when I started to spontaneously 'recover'.
> 
> Throughout my life, I always knew that I was different, but I chose to accept the condition as my own personal "normal." It did not bother me so much that I couldn't relate to others' experiences of reality because I sought community through existential philosophy, art, spirituality, etc. These spaces allowed me to see myself as just another variation of the human experience...and since I hadn't ever experienced another way of being, it made the acceptance of my condition compulsory. Throughout childhood I experienced a lot of anxiety, depression, and physical symptoms associated with dpdr. I kept feeling like there was something below the surface that must explain my specific combination of my symptoms, but no adults around me cared to listen, so I learned to live with it. When I was 13 or 14 I found feminism and that greatly improved my self-confidence and ability to relate to others. This lead me down several other pathways that fed my soul and allowed me to build a greater sense of self...but there was always that basic underlying detachment....where I could say "Yes I am a woman." but I didn't really "feel it" in my body...I didn't "feel" like I was in any body at all....I only knew reality through the context of relating to others- what they told me, who they told me I was, how they perceived my actions, etc.
> 
> About a month ago this all started to change (granted, with baby steps). I started to feel like I was being "dropped into my body" and things became "more real" like I had never experienced before. It almost felt like I had crossed a threshold into the land of "normal people"- like the veil/haze had lifted. When most stories I've heard talk about this feeling, it's often accompanied by a sense of relief...but having had no memory of ever feeling it before just brings up my previous battles with anxiety.
> 
> After 22 years, I have grown comfortable in this dpdr haze, yet there is a part of me that's curious to enter a new chapter of my life where I explore the alternative(s). So if there is any one else can relate to my story, please PM me. This is my first time really coming to terms with the fact that I have this disorder and hearing similar stories would really help!


Welcome to the site, teranova! I've never heard a story like this, honestly. I'm glad that you feel more recovery in your life and hoping you the best!


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## Wendy

La_Brooding_MIsanthropic said:


> Hello...
> 
> I'm La. I'm 20yrs old and currently a psychology student. I suffer from Borderline personality disorder (diagnosed) and in my opinion Depression (undiagnosed).
> 
> I found this site after frantically searching the web for advice on how to deal with these weird symptoms I was feeling. I don't really know much about depersonalization or derealization and I don't have a panic disorder .. but the things I feel on a regular basis seem to be congruent with the symptoms of those issues, so I just came here hoping to find some answers, some support and advice maybe.
> 
> So basically here is an outline of what I feel almost everyday. Firstly, I'd wake up in the morning feeling panicky in an instant because something doesn't feel right. I feel like I don't know who I am... Not in an amnesic "what's my name?" kinda way.. because I know my name, where i live..bla bla.. but I don't feel..me. I don't feel connected to me.. I feel like my mind is not connected to my body. Like i'm not the girl who just got out of bed. It scares the hell out of me so I cry hysterically and generally go back to sleep to avoid the feeling. My own voice would be in my head over and over asking myself "who the hell am i, who the hell am i, what is happening, who am i" repeatedly. I hate it.... If I look in the mirror I don't feel like I am the person in my reflection. I know who she is, but she's not me. As i'm sitting here typing this now i can feel it and it's bringing tears to my eyes. It's frightening. It's like I know who I am but I don't know who I am. I don't feel like I am who i am. I'd look at my hands and although I recognize them, they don't seem like they're my hands. I just don't feel connected. I don't feel like i'm a person. I don't know who that person is. I feel empty. That's one of the reasons I have such a terrible abandonment fear, because once i'm alone it's back to feeling like this. It sometimes happens around people too but I make up for it by overtalking or taking on a persona .. all of which irritates me and makes me hate myself. I engage in self destructive behaviours like overeating, overdrinking, self harming...etc to numb these feelings and/or fill the void inside me.
> 
> On the other hand, there is also the foggy feeling. The feeling of being completely disconnected from reality. Like things aren't real. Like i'm living in a dream or in a flashback in a movie. Sometimes it feels like the world is moving around me and i'm standing still or moving slow. I spent my summer back home in Barbados and everything went by reall quickly.. almost felt like some things never happened. Time went really fast and none of it seemed real. When it was going slow, I felt like I was living in a numbing fog. Disconnected from everything.
> 
> These feelings affect me everyday and scare the shit out of me. It makes me panic, it makes me cry. I want to know how to get rid of it, if it's possible. Does it mean I have another mental illness? What do i/can i do? I need help. These feelings lead me to really dangerous behaviours to feel real.


Welcome to the site, La.

A couple of things you mention in your post are very much text-book symptoms of Depersonalization / Derealization.


Waking up and feeling panicky. 
Feeling of not knowing who you are / not connected to your body. 
Not recognizing body parts / yourself in the mirror.
Feeling empty, not feeling like a person.
Time going fast / slow.

These are all very common symptoms of Depersonalization and many sufferers experience these from time-to-time. The more that you understand why this is, what Depersonalization, and how you can cope with your unreality, it will get monumentally better for you in terms of dealing with these symptoms. Many of these things are because you're too "in your head", you're thinking way too much about the symptoms and the feelings, it's making you exacerbate your experience and making it worse. If you learn to cope and ground yourself into reality (I'll link some good blog posts below for this) then it will allow you to get out of your head more.

I know these feelings are very scary, but know that everyone here has experienced them and you're not alone, okay? If you ever have troubles or need someone to talk to, you're always welcome here at this site. Post around as much as you'd like. I'll link some places on the site for you and hopefully these will help. Like I said, if you ever need help, you're not alone, you can come here whenever you want.


Recovery Stories
Coping / Grounding.
Grounding Techniques.

I hope that everything gets better for you.


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## Love2run

Hello. My name is Caroline and I'm 22. I went to a party two years ago and accidentally ate a drug laced brownie which induced a three hour panic attack. Ever since then I have suffered greatly from symptoms of depersonalization. I am slowly learning to control my symptoms but it continues to be a long road. I'm so glad I found this forum


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## Wendy

Love2run said:


> Hello. My name is Caroline and I'm 22. I went to a party two years ago and accidentally ate a drug laced brownie which induced a three hour panic attack. Ever since then I have suffered greatly from symptoms of depersonalization. I am slowly learning to control my symptoms but it continues to be a long road. I'm so glad I found this forum


Welcome to the site, Caroline!


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## sletje

Hi. I'm 15. I was on vacation at the end of July this year. I had just gotten off the plane a few hours prior, hadn't slept in about 18 hours, had hardly eaten anything, and I thought it'd be a fantatsic idea to smoke some weed. I remember sitting outside afterward and I started noticing everything becoming more distant. I could hear what people were saying but couldn't process their words. I felt extremely unattached to everything, and the most uncomfortable feeling began in my head and started spreading down my body. I felt no control over my limbs or anything I was doing or saying. I don't remember how long it lasted. I remember going somewhere afterward and it just felt like I watching myself in a dream. It was like I was observing myself and everyone else. Eventually I fell asleep and it went away. I felt normal until the next night when the same thing happened. I tried to just go to sleep to make it go away again, but instead I threw up. I lay on the bathroom floor for hours in a content state, because in my mind nothing seemed real so everything was okay. I eventually fell asleep and since I woke up that morning, I've felt different. Well, I don't really feel. I know what emotions I should be feelng, but I don't actually feel them. I would say that I feel like I'm living in a dream, but when I do dream, it feels like how reality used to be. I feel like I'm drifting on autopilot. I'm just observing myself as I make choices and act, but I'm not the one in control of such things. Everyone and everything is so distant to me. Other people simply don't seem real. I have to constantly remind myself of what's happening and things that have happened before. My entire life and all of my memories seem too surreal to have happened. I'm so disconnected from myself and everything around me. As a result of all of this, my grades are the worst they've ever been and I don't really care about consequences anymore. I can't focus on things and I don't care about the repercussions of my actions because, "well, it's not real anyway, so who cares what happens?" I don't really feel the need to eat or sleep (as I type this at 4 in the morning). I feel invisible, like I'm not truly there, and I question everything people say to me. When I'm ignored I get paranoid, and this feeling of invisibility amplifies. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday to talk about all of this, i guess. But I don't know what to say. I've never had to go to the doctor for a problem besides physical sickness. I'm fairly certain I have depersonalization and derealization, but I don't want to make it seem like I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac.

I don't know if I've always had a milder version of this. My mom says even when I was little, I would tell her how indifferent I was toward everything. I've always questioned if some things have actually happened or if it was all a dream. I don't know if this bizarre surrealism has always been lurking, or if I'm remembering things incorrectly. I don't know what's really happened in the past. I can't focus hard enough to try to remember things properly in order to find out. I just know that I'm being suffocated like this.

So at the moment I'm stuck like this, disconnected and apathetic. I just want to feel normal again, and I want to be in touch with myself and reality.

I'm sorry if anything is confusing. I have a hard time explaining this. Thank you for reading.


----------



## JaneBronte1234

Hello,

I am 23, and I have been suffering from denationalization for about 8 months now and I can honestly say these have been the worst months of my life and im seriously surprised I still managed to graduate with the grade I wanted. I guess I should be honest about how this happened, even though I am kind of embarrassed about it and can honestly say I am not the kind of person to take drugs. I feel like because it is weed based, some would say that it was my own fault and that I somehow deserve this because of doing such things. Anyways, previously to this time I had never smoked weed properly before, id had a few drags here and there but this was the first time I could say I got high, the first and last time. The abstract feeling, caused me to have a massive panic attack, which was the first one Ive ever had in my life and one of the most scariest things to experience. Ever since that night I have felt depersonalized. I feel like I am not here, like the lens on my camera is out of focus and everything could be so much shaper than what they are. I feel like there is a gap between me and everything else, and because of this I feel numb. I feel like everything I feel , everything I touch and even everything I hear, isnt quite right. I already have an anxiety disorder of intrusive thoughts, and it feels like my anxiety has made this depersonalization into a bigger and more stronger monster to overcome. I feel like my brain is constantly checking to see if I am real, and checking if things feel unreal, and most of the time its unreal and movie-like. Both my intrusive thoughts and depersonalization are fueling each other, Ill have an intrusive thought that I dont love my boyfriend because i feel numb, and then my intrusive thought repeats that horrible thought.

I understand that all of this is created by my own brain, and that I make these things monsters by giving them the attention they want but I feel like it has hold of me, like when king kong is holding the blonde chick. I know its there, and I am aware of what it is doing to me, or what i am doing to myself, but i cant seem to break away. I cant seem to break through to the other side, of feeling real and feeling like me. I guess the worse part of depersonalization is feeling distanced from everything you think you know, and feeling like you dont know who that person is when you look in the mirror. Its lonely and terrifying. Wow, essay! Sorry, well thats the tip of the iceberg of what I am feeling, would appreciate anyone who could relate to this and give a light at the end of this extremely dark tunnel! I am waiting for therapy and meds to cope with my anxiety, never thought my life would be at this point at 23, but I determined that this isnt what my life is to be like.

Thanks for listening.

x


----------



## Wendy

sletje said:


> Hi. I'm 15. I was on vacation at the end of July this year. I had just gotten off the plane a few hours prior, hadn't slept in about 18 hours, had hardly eaten anything, and I thought it'd be a fantatsic idea to smoke some weed. I remember sitting outside afterward and I started noticing everything becoming more distant. I could hear what people were saying but couldn't process their words. I felt extremely unattached to everything, and the most uncomfortable feeling began in my head and started spreading down my body. I felt no control over my limbs or anything I was doing or saying. I don't remember how long it lasted. I remember going somewhere afterward and it just felt like I watching myself in a dream. It was like I was observing myself and everyone else. Eventually I fell asleep and it went away. I felt normal until the next night when the same thing happened. I tried to just go to sleep to make it go away again, but instead I threw up. I lay on the bathroom floor for hours in a content state, because in my mind nothing seemed real so everything was okay. I eventually fell asleep and since I woke up that morning, I've felt different. Well, I don't really feel. I know what emotions I should be feelng, but I don't actually feel them. I would say that I feel like I'm living in a dream, but when I do dream, it feels like how reality used to be. I feel like I'm drifting on autopilot. I'm just observing myself as I make choices and act, but I'm not the one in control of such things. Everyone and everything is so distant to me. Other people simply don't seem real. I have to constantly remind myself of what's happening and things that have happened before. My entire life and all of my memories seem too surreal to have happened. I'm so disconnected from myself and everything around me. As a result of all of this, my grades are the worst they've ever been and I don't really care about consequences anymore. I can't focus on things and I don't care about the repercussions of my actions because, "well, it's not real anyway, so who cares what happens?" I don't really feel the need to eat or sleep (as I type this at 4 in the morning). I feel invisible, like I'm not truly there, and I question everything people say to me. When I'm ignored I get paranoid, and this feeling of invisibility amplifies. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday to talk about all of this, i guess. But I don't know what to say. I've never had to go to the doctor for a problem besides physical sickness. I'm fairly certain I have depersonalization and derealization, but I don't want to make it seem like I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac.
> 
> I don't know if I've always had a milder version of this. My mom says even when I was little, I would tell her how indifferent I was toward everything. I've always questioned if some things have actually happened or if it was all a dream. I don't know if this bizarre surrealism has always been lurking, or if I'm remembering things incorrectly. I don't know what's really happened in the past. I can't focus hard enough to try to remember things properly in order to find out. I just know that I'm being suffocated like this.
> 
> So at the moment I'm stuck like this, disconnected and apathetic. I just want to feel normal again, and I want to be in touch with myself and reality.
> 
> I'm sorry if anything is confusing. I have a hard time explaining this. Thank you for reading.


Welcome to the site.

It's difficult to go through this disorder at such a young age, but if it makes you feel any better, everything that you've described in your post sounds like text-book Depersonalization & Derealization. The good thing about this is that understanding your experience with unreality and accepting it as something that you're going through can make this recovery process a lot easier for you. You're not kept in the dark wondering what you have and making yourself more anxious about your condition.

It's great that you're going to a doctor for this. Many people on this forum dislike the idea of going to a therapist because of how Depersonalization & Derealization are usually swept under the rug, but I've been going to therapy for a year now and I'm feeling positivity a lot more than what I was in the past. I know it'll be hard to explain, but do the best you can, I'm sure everything will work out for you. Keep us updated and hope this site can help you.



JaneBronte1234 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am 23, and I have been suffering from denationalization for about 8 months now and I can honestly say these have been the worst months of my life and im seriously surprised I still managed to graduate with the grade I wanted. I guess I should be honest about how this happened, even though I am kind of embarrassed about it and can honestly say I am not the kind of person to take drugs. I feel like because it is weed based, some would say that it was my own fault and that I somehow deserve this because of doing such things. Anyways, previously to this time I had never smoked weed properly before, id had a few drags here and there but this was the first time I could say I got high, the first and last time. The abstract feeling, caused me to have a massive panic attack, which was the first one Ive ever had in my life and one of the most scariest things to experience. Ever since that night I have felt depersonalized. I feel like I am not here, like the lens on my camera is out of focus and everything could be so much shaper than what they are. I feel like there is a gap between me and everything else, and because of this I feel numb. I feel like everything I feel , everything I touch and even everything I hear, isnt quite right. I already have an anxiety disorder of intrusive thoughts, and it feels like my anxiety has made this depersonalization into a bigger and more stronger monster to overcome. I feel like my brain is constantly checking to see if I am real, and checking if things feel unreal, and most of the time its unreal and movie-like. Both my intrusive thoughts and depersonalization are fueling each other, Ill have an intrusive thought that I dont love my boyfriend because i feel numb, and then my intrusive thought repeats that horrible thought.
> 
> I understand that all of this is created by my own brain, and that I make these things monsters by giving them the attention they want but I feel like it has hold of me, like when king kong is holding the blonde chick. I know its there, and I am aware of what it is doing to me, or what i am doing to myself, but i cant seem to break away. I cant seem to break through to the other side, of feeling real and feeling like me. I guess the worse part of depersonalization is feeling distanced from everything you think you know, and feeling like you dont know who that person is when you look in the mirror. Its lonely and terrifying. Wow, essay! Sorry, well thats the tip of the iceberg of what I am feeling, would appreciate anyone who could relate to this and give a light at the end of this extremely dark tunnel! I am waiting for therapy and meds to cope with my anxiety, never thought my life would be at this point at 23, but I determined that this isnt what my life is to be like.
> 
> Thanks for listening.
> 
> x


Welcome to the site!

Marijuana seems to be a large portion of triggers with Depersonalization & Derealization; many say that it's a catalyst for a deeper predisposition to the disorder. In any case, everything you've mentioned in your post lines up with what most people feel with this disorder. If you want, check out some Recovery Stories and see if anything aligns with you! I hope this community can be of assistance to you and best of luck!


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## sarahelizabeth48120

Thank you replying solomon. I just saw it. They put me on the prozac before the hospital and now its been over a month on the celexa. I am still having severe dp and dr. Although I do think part of it is my living situation. Nothing feels familiar here, and I am so scared it is never going to go away. I have dreams I have been waking up from that make it hard to grasp living. I often am alone at home. I was at my mothers for the weekend and I felt better while I was there and now everytime I come "home" to where I am now I feel worse. The recognizing of faces has gotten worse, I am trying so hard to just try and keep moving but this is becoming unbearable. I believe this is all from stress and PTSD to which was never even brought up while I was in the hospital.


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## homebody

Hello,
I'm a 30y married woman. I remember having feelings of being disconnected from reality as early as 9 years old. I believe it's because I was being molested from a young age by a family member. I didn't understand it at all at 9. I just felt like I wasn't really there and that I was invisible. These feelings mostly occurred in school. At 13 I was sexually abused by a 17 year old boy for a period of 3 months. During one attack, I say attack because he always pounced on me as soon as we were alone, I was trying to fight him off of me but gave up and then started to see what was happending from outside myself. It was a short sensation but it is the first time I ever had the feeling of being numb. I didn't recognize the numbness until I was 18 and couldn't figure out why I wasn't as happy in my life as I should have been, given the circumstances. 
I need to briefly rewind and mention that parents had a very explosion relationship that included physical and emotional abuse. My siblings and I would hide in our closets during the screaming matches and violence. 
Fast forward to college where I first learned what DP disorder is. I immediately recognized the description as things that I had been having intermittently over the years. I would feel invisible and was surprised when anyone recognized me at school or spoke to me in class. I had to try to stay engaged in what was happening around me. I missed assignments because I didn't feel like any of it was real and that if I didn't complete something, it wouldn't matter. I tried to describe my feelings as being alone inside a locked car with all the windows rolled up. I could see what was happening around me and I could hear the muffled noise but no one could see or hear me. This wasn't a constant feeling but it always came up at school or in other large group scenarios. I managed to spend 9 years in a community college just to earn an ADN. 
In my family life, I've always had a hard time connecting with anyone outside of my immediate family members. I have a large extended family that I wanted to be close to but couldnt. I still struggle forming bonds with them. I have 14 nieces and nephews. I am godmother to 2 of them. I know that I love them but I don't feel like they can love me back because I'm so emotionally distant. Also, because I don't understand how they could love me. My self esteem takes a dive during these DP episodes, which happen most frequently in group activities, even when I'm with friends and family. 
I started seeing a therapist after 1 year of self destructive behavior. Talking about the trauma in my childhood was immensely helpful! Eventually I had to see a psychiatrist when I couldn't manage the depression I was dealing with. I tried to deal with the depression by eating healthy and being active outdoors but genetics were stronger than natural treatments. (Depression runs in both sides of my family). Prozac was helpful in minimizing the disconnected feelings. Just 20mg/day. I got married and I had to change ins. I procrastinated finding a new psychiatrist and fell back into deep depression, numbness and feeling like the world around me wasn't always real. It was really badly effecting my marriage and my job. I'm a nurse so you can see how a foggy, this isn't real so it doesn't matter what I do, mindset is really dangerous. I found a new psychiatrist and began a new med regimen. This time taking 450mg of wellbutrin and 10mg prozac. It minimized the disconected feelings and depression. I just recently had to have the prozac increased because the feelings have been becoming more prevelant. I hope the increased prozac helps. 
I'm worried that this will be the pattern for the rest of my life. I don't want to stay on meds forever. How do I eradicate this disease? My husband and I want to start a family, but I'm worried.
Has anyone else, who has been dealing with this for a similar amount of time, figured out how to get rid of it for good?

Please help, I'm discouraged.


----------



## Wendy

sarahelizabeth48120 said:


> Thank you replying solomon. I just saw it. They put me on the prozac before the hospital and now its been over a month on the celexa. I am still having severe dp and dr. Although I do think part of it is my living situation. Nothing feels familiar here, and I am so scared it is never going to go away. I have dreams I have been waking up from that make it hard to grasp living. I often am alone at home. I was at my mothers for the weekend and I felt better while I was there and now everytime I come "home" to where I am now I feel worse. The recognizing of faces has gotten worse, I am trying so hard to just try and keep moving but this is becoming unbearable. I believe this is all from stress and PTSD to which was never even brought up while I was in the hospital.


Maybe you could benefit from discussing your PTSD with a professional - also, if you're curious about medications, we have a Pharmacology sub-forum here that you could post at. The people over there are very educated on medications.



homebody said:


> Hello,
> I'm a 30y married woman. I remember having feelings of being disconnected from reality as early as 9 years old. I believe it's because I was being molested from a young age by a family member. I didn't understand it at all at 9. I just felt like I wasn't really there and that I was invisible. These feelings mostly occurred in school. At 13 I was sexually abused by a 17 year old boy for a period of 3 months. During one attack, I say attack because he always pounced on me as soon as we were alone, I was trying to fight him off of me but gave up and then started to see what was happending from outside myself. It was a short sensation but it is the first time I ever had the feeling of being numb. I didn't recognize the numbness until I was 18 and couldn't figure out why I wasn't as happy in my life as I should have been, given the circumstances.
> I need to briefly rewind and mention that parents had a very explosion relationship that included physical and emotional abuse. My siblings and I would hide in our closets during the screaming matches and violence.
> Fast forward to college where I first learned what DP disorder is. I immediately recognized the description as things that I had been having intermittently over the years. I would feel invisible and was surprised when anyone recognized me at school or spoke to me in class. I had to try to stay engaged in what was happening around me. I missed assignments because I didn't feel like any of it was real and that if I didn't complete something, it wouldn't matter. I tried to describe my feelings as being alone inside a locked car with all the windows rolled up. I could see what was happening around me and I could hear the muffled noise but no one could see or hear me. This wasn't a constant feeling but it always came up at school or in other large group scenarios. I managed to spend 9 years in a community college just to earn an ADN.
> In my family life, I've always had a hard time connecting with anyone outside of my immediate family members. I have a large extended family that I wanted to be close to but couldnt. I still struggle forming bonds with them. I have 14 nieces and nephews. I am godmother to 2 of them. I know that I love them but I don't feel like they can love me back because I'm so emotionally distant. Also, because I don't understand how they could love me. My self esteem takes a dive during these DP episodes, which happen most frequently in group activities, even when I'm with friends and family.
> I started seeing a therapist after 1 year of self destructive behavior. Talking about the trauma in my childhood was immensely helpful! Eventually I had to see a psychiatrist when I couldn't manage the depression I was dealing with. I tried to deal with the depression by eating healthy and being active outdoors but genetics were stronger than natural treatments. (Depression runs in both sides of my family). Prozac was helpful in minimizing the disconnected feelings. Just 20mg/day. I got married and I had to change ins. I procrastinated finding a new psychiatrist and fell back into deep depression, numbness and feeling like the world around me wasn't always real. It was really badly effecting my marriage and my job. I'm a nurse so you can see how a foggy, this isn't real so it doesn't matter what I do, mindset is really dangerous. I found a new psychiatrist and began a new med regimen. This time taking 450mg of wellbutrin and 10mg prozac. It minimized the disconected feelings and depression. I just recently had to have the prozac increased because the feelings have been becoming more prevelant. I hope the increased prozac helps.
> I'm worried that this will be the pattern for the rest of my life. I don't want to stay on meds forever. How do I eradicate this disease? My husband and I want to start a family, but I'm worried.
> Has anyone else, who has been dealing with this for a similar amount of time, figured out how to get rid of it for good?
> 
> Please help, I'm discouraged.


Welcome to the site, I'm truly sorry that you had to experience all of those things at such a young age.

It's great that you're taking medications and seeing a psychiatrist, these things could help you a lot with what you're feeling. As for Depersonalization being a pattern for the rest of your life? I honestly doubt it, as there hasn't been a single case of Depersonalization lasting for someone's entire lifetime. Although I can't help you much with your other situations, you should check out the Recovery Stories on the site for some useful information from other users. I hope everything gets better for you!


----------



## mystikalpsychosis

Hi, for now I'm leaving my name anon.

I've never joined a forum and I dont really know how these work but I am a 19 year old female living in Toronto, Canada

I've been suffering from DP/DR and anxiety for most of my life but finally recieved a diagnosis last year.

I'm feeling optimistic about joining this forum and im desperate to interact and relate to someone like me, I'm tired of endlessly talking about my symptoms to people and seeing the frustration and confusion on their faces.

I have a boyfriend who I'm almost positive has D.I.D and has also been dealing with this psychological hell for as long as he can remember, and were both trying to cope with tapping into our feelings and coping with eachothers symptoms.

I would really appreciate if anyone can give me some advice on how two dissociated people can help eachother become stronger.

Thanks so much, Im excited to be a member in this community.


----------



## Guest

mystikalpsychosis said:


> Hi, for now I'm leaving my name anon.
> 
> I've never joined a forum and I dont really know how these work but I am a 19 year old female living in Toronto, Canada
> 
> I've been suffering from DP/DR and anxiety for most of my life but finally recieved a diagnosis last year.
> 
> I'm feeling optimistic about joining this forum and im desperate to interact and relate to someone like me, I'm tired of endlessly talking about my symptoms to people and seeing the frustration and confusion on their faces.
> 
> I have a boyfriend who I'm almost positive has D.I.D and has also been dealing with this psychological hell for as long as he can remember, and were both trying to cope with tapping into our feelings and coping with eachothers symptoms.
> 
> I would really appreciate if anyone can give me some advice on how two dissociated people can help eachother become stronger.
> 
> Thanks so much, Im excited to be a member in this community.


Glad you found found this forum and hope you can pick some good info.

In regards to living with someone with D.I.D&#8230; I've read quite a few times that partners of people with D.I.D. will need some sort of support along the way. It's a confusing world for them and even more confusing for the significant others. You need to begin to see the separation of the parts/alters and treat them as individuals and that alone takes time and a lot of patience. It really helps if he can tell you who's who and when they're out, but even that's not easy most times.

I guess that magical word 'communication' is gonna be one of the keys to a successful relationship.. And that's definitely doable!

Hope that helps.. Cheers.

Zed


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## jarwolf93

Hi,

My name is Jared, I'm 21 and from the UK. I haven't been diagnosed with depersonalisation or de realisation disorder or ever seen or spoke to anyone about it but after not understanding the way I feel and 'blocking' it out for years I think this is what I have.

I can be happy, sad and feel emotions but this feeling hits me in flashes and I feel disconnected and everything feels too real and vivid. I feel like I'm not in control of my body and I'm convinced that I'm going to die at times which induces the panic attacks I have. I think I seem 'normal' to other people but Inside my head I'm completely a mess and I can't handle the world around me.

I've always been a generally happy kid but started to think more deeply as I grew up and started smoking weed and taking mushrooms. I think that's what has intensified my negative and over active thoughts on life.

I've been off the drugs for a while but these feelings, thoughts emotions won't leave and I think they're getting progressively worse... I'm struggling with working and holding down a job and only really feel happy when I'm with good mates or drinking. When I'm only my own I get wrapped up in my own thoughts...Not sure what to do or what help is out there

It feels good to finally talk about this for the first time...


----------



## Wendy

mystikalpsychosis said:


> Hi, for now I'm leaving my name anon.
> 
> I've never joined a forum and I dont really know how these work but I am a 19 year old female living in Toronto, Canada
> 
> I've been suffering from DP/DR and anxiety for most of my life but finally recieved a diagnosis last year.
> 
> I'm feeling optimistic about joining this forum and im desperate to interact and relate to someone like me, I'm tired of endlessly talking about my symptoms to people and seeing the frustration and confusion on their faces.
> 
> I have a boyfriend who I'm almost positive has D.I.D and has also been dealing with this psychological hell for as long as he can remember, and were both trying to cope with tapping into our feelings and coping with eachothers symptoms.
> 
> I would really appreciate if anyone can give me some advice on how two dissociated people can help eachother become stronger.
> 
> Thanks so much, Im excited to be a member in this community.


Welcome to the site!

My girlfriend has been dissociated, as well as I, at the same time during our relationship. What I've come to see as the best benefit for couples suffering from Depersonalization is to use each-other as support and motivate each-other to recovery. If I (or my girlfriend) are in a bad mood, we tend to lean on each-other and comfort the both of us while our unreality attacks go away - aside from that, we motivate each-other to get out, socialize, do what we should do to recover. That may be a good idea, to get on common terms with your boyfriend and use each-other as motivation and support.


----------



## Wendy

jarwolf93 said:


> Hi,
> 
> My name is Jared, I'm 21 and from the UK. I haven't been diagnosed with depersonalisation or de realisation disorder or ever seen or spoke to anyone about it but after not understanding the way I feel and 'blocking' it out for years I think this is what I have.
> 
> I can be happy, sad and feel emotions but this feeling hits me in flashes and I feel disconnected and everything feels too real and vivid. I feel like I'm not in control of my body and I'm convinced that I'm going to die at times which induces the panic attacks I have. I think I seem 'normal' to other people but Inside my head I'm completely a mess and I can't handle the world around me.
> 
> I've always been a generally happy kid but started to think more deeply as I grew up and started smoking weed and taking mushrooms. I think that's what has intensified my negative and over active thoughts on life.
> 
> I've been off the drugs for a while but these feelings, thoughts emotions won't leave and I think they're getting progressively worse... I'm struggling with working and holding down a job and only really feel happy when I'm with good mates or drinking. When I'm only my own I get wrapped up in my own thoughts...Not sure what to do or what help is out there
> 
> It feels good to finally talk about this for the first time...


Welcome to the forum, Jared! 

If you're looking for different tips on recovery, check out our Recovery Stories part of the forum!


----------



## Phoenecian

Hello everybody, my name is Rod and I'm 26 and from Australia, I've been suffering from a rather extreme depersonalization and dissociative disorder for some years now, prior to that I was always subject to intrusive and obsessive thoughts and and I was silly enough to feel that things couldn't get worse

6 years back I had some long standing bad vertigo effects due to being ill, in that time I feel like I had some grand perceptive jolt that tripped my mind into thinking of everything as nothing more than an intrusive shape or colour or sound. I've always been prone to anxiety, but for a 3 year span, I have truly felt like my mind is gone, there is almost no sense of I left and I just feel as if I've transitioned between rational thought and feeling and somehow become part of the environment in a very clinical and geometric fashion.

P.S I have never used any narcotics, but have been on many varying medications for the better part of a decade.


----------



## Wendy

Phoenecian said:


> Hello everybody, my name is Rod and I'm 26 and from Australia, I've been suffering from a rather extreme depersonalization and dissociative disorder for some years now, prior to that I was always subject to intrusive and obsessive thoughts and and I was silly enough to feel that things couldn't get worse
> 
> 6 years back I had some long standing bad vertigo effects due to being ill, in that time I feel like I had some grand perceptive jolt that tripped my mind into thinking of everything as nothing more than an intrusive shape or colour or sound. I've always been prone to anxiety, but for a 3 year span, I have truly felt like my mind is gone, there is almost no sense of I left and I just feel as if I've transitioned between rational thought and feeling and somehow become part of the environment in a very clinical and geometric fashion.
> 
> P.S I have never used any narcotics, but have been on many varying medications for the better part of a decade.


Welcome! Australia is my favorite place in the world, what's it like there? 

I've been dealing with intrusive and obsessive thoughts as well, especially when my Depersonalization is at it's peak. It's beneficial to understand that the thoughts are not the same as your personality make-up, that's always helped me get through it. What medications are you taking, by the way? We have a Pharmacology section to this forum that could help give more insight on that.


----------



## Phoenecian

I guess Australia isn't really too bad, before I was a mental train wreck I could appreciate that it was a reasonably nice place to live, I mean who doesn't love wild life that can maim and kill you 

In regards to what medications I'm taking, Stelazine and Endep, I had a brief encounter with some particularly psychotic symptoms so that explains the stelazine, And the endep helps me sleep I suppose, all in all I wouldn't say either of these two have made a difference to my symptoms though.


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## db22

Hi there recently diagnosed after 18 months and one initial onset acute episode and recent second episode taking it one day at a time, nice to be here x


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## Wendy

db22 said:


> Hi there recently diagnosed after 18 months and one initial onset acute episode and recent second episode taking it one day at a time, nice to be here x


I apologize that your post has gone unnoticed for quite some time, some newer posts just become buried, at times.

Welcome to the site, db22! Hopefully you find our community useful and engaging.


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## db22

Thanks mate appreciate the welcome had stayed away after my initial episode but came back after diagnosis and second episode, good to know you are all out there keeping your heads up as best you can, one day at a time xxxx


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## westonw

Hello! My name is Weston. I am 16 years old and I live in Michigan.

I have been suffering with marijuana induced DR/DP for 4 years (Yes I was 12 when I first smoked). And after reading posts from this community since I first found out about Depersonalization, I've finally decided to join. I just want to talk to and share my experiences with people who will understand. I really feel like I need to be in this community. Thanks! Hope to hear from some of you


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## Desanimada

Hey, I prefer not to state my name. I am 18 years old and live in NY.

From as far as I can remember I was about 4 years old when I had some sort of episode. My body became really numb and I couldn't explain to my mom so she always remained vigilant everytime I would become isolated and lost in thought.

I used to call it "floating" and although it made me uncomfortable I learned to live with it. I saw it as a break from whatever was going on.

But one day when I was around 14 it wasn't some unique personality trait.

I would stop and feel overwhelmed and run to some place secluded. Suddenly it felt like when you're a kid and kept spinning in circles even after your mom warned you you're gonna throw up. My whole body would turn cold. Nothing felt real not even myself.

On and off it would go but I would always be ok. Recently however I never am really ok. I wake up and my heart beats fast, I feel scared and confused before and after sleep. I know things are real well because it has to be.

I thought I was the only one and that I was just some mistake. I then found this page and benefited from some posts but felt embarassed to admit I had depersonalization/derealization. But now I see it's something I can cope with and can hopefully learn to live with.

I hope to just have people to connect with who understand what it really feels like. It's hard for people who don't go through it to emphathize with us because it really is such strange concept/emotions.


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## W1995

I'm 19 and came here hoping to find some answers. For a few years now I have felt isolated from my environment and reailty has become "blurred," though it wasn't until about 2012 when I Googled my symptoms and up popped the two depersonalisation and derealisation disorders. I can see but I can't see, I can hear, taste, smell but all of those senses seem, as I mentioned, almost blurred. I'm aware of them and my environment, though somewhere I feel disassociated from everything, it's hard to explain but you probably all understand what I mean through personal experience. Although I have these symptoms, the disorders often included depression as another symptom but I don't think I'm suffering from that. Of course there are days where I keep my unhappiness to myself but most of the time I'm quite cheery and humorous. However, I did suffer from an anxiety scare a while ago following a frightening experience where I began thinking people were after me. I'm much better now ad can gladly say I've put that behind me and it's stupid when I look back on it, though I was already showing symptoms of the disorders before the event. I feel it's further advanced my condition though, I feel more disassociated with my surroundings and body than I did previous and now I think it's only going to advance further if I don't seek treatment. It's not really bothering me but it can concern me sometimes when I realise just how disconnected I can feel, it can vary but always I feel distant from everything else. There's also a concern about my behaviour and I worry that my false feelings of reality will lead to me hurting those I care about, a lot of the times I feel as though my body just does it's own thing as if pre-programmed to do so. It's as if my mind is "inwards," I'm constantly thinking (I can't even read a book properly anymore) rather than "outwards" and embracing the world. I also had, or still have, a tendency to feel as though I may lose control at any minute. For example, my most common fear was when sitting in class, I felt as though I was about to throw my pen at the teacher! I always had to put my pen down when this feeling came over me. This isn't as common as it used to be now that in in further education but can still be of concern. I often think too about relationships, I do not have a girlfriend but quite frequently the thought of me hitting a partner has crossed my mind due to this sense of uncontrol, I'm not angry or anything I just feel as though there's a loose wire somewhere unabling me to connect with society and to fully control my body. Thank you for reading and I hope I find some treatment soon, I may not have as much of a developed disorder as most people but this just doesn't feel right and want to be able to properly process real sensations rather than just aware of them as, again, "blurred" senses and emotions.


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## birminghamvin

Hello there.

My name is Vin, im from Birmingham,UK and I have been suffering from a severe form of depersonalization from early February (2014). Im not going to babble on about how its affected me as this is a introduce yourself topic.

I had minor episodes while growing up mainly when I went into bright shopping centres (malls), it stopped around the ages of 15-18, but when I turned 19 this year I smoked some weed and had what I now know as marijuana induced depersonalization. it scared the hell out of me (still pretty much does) but I hope through this website I can learn coping mechanisms and other peoples stoires of how they bettered themselves.

im into music as well, I produce music and enjoy art, comics, games and various other stuff.

so that's my introduction


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## cassidylc

Hello,

My name is Cassidy and I'm 19 years old and I live in North Carolina. I've been experiencing Depression and DR for a little over a month now. It all started after I came back from a weekend trip to Indiana to visit my dad and brother who just recently moved there from NC. I didn't want to go on this trip at all because it was very last minute and stressful and I had a lot of homework to do and projects to finish. I ended up going and the trip there was literally the most stressful experience of my life. I missed my first flight at 7am and ended up spending the ENTIRE day in various airports because flights kept getting delayed and canceled. I didn't even get to my dad's house in Indian until midnight. I got sick at the airport and on the airplane multiple times just from anxiety and possibly motion sickness. The weekend was rough at first but it got better. I was super anxious for my flights back though but it went smoothly. I remember feeling almost manic when I got back.

I have smoked weed on a *very* regular basis for the past 3-4 years. I have never had any anxiety from it at all or any weird experiences. But right after I got back from my trip I smoked some pretty strong stuff and that's when I started to feel this way. I had never really experienced anxiety and depression like this, if at all, before and immediately I knew that something was different, that something was "wrong". At first it was extreme anxiety. It felt like my whole body was on vibrate and my heart would race as well as my thoughts. Then it developed into something different that I couldn't explain. The scariest parts of the days would be when I woke up in the morning and before I went to bed. I explained it to a counselor that everything felt pointless and lacked in meaning. I felt an extreme disconnection to everything around me. I was so distracted by these fears. Fears of what? I had no idea. I just felt scared all of the time. I felt like my mind was not my own and everything was fuzzy and weird. I felt so hopeless and terrified that I would never be myself again and that I would be like this for the rest of my life. It's just so hard to explain.

After I found out about DP it really seemed to click. I read that a very common symptom was that the world felt as though it was not real. I think this is what I was feeling when it seemed like everything was meaningless. I haven't had any major visuals, usually just feeling pretty fuzzy. I haven't felt like I was seeing myself from the outside but I often feel like I am miles away from my brain and my thoughts.

Anyway, I am rambling now. I would love feedback because I want to be sure that this is what I'm going through. Since finding out about DR I have honestly felt much better. Not 100% but I use techniques to control my anxieties. Thanks!


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## yeleen

Hello everyone , Im in my 40´s ,and have felt strange mot of the time .Like if im not really there , always absent minded .I can sit in a movie theater and absolutely hear or see nothing ,Never fully present .i experience sexual child from 5 to 6 years old .

Since then ,I feel as a stranger in my body .A while ago ,I ask a neighbour is she thought I gained weight and she answered me :I cant tell ,but dont you feel it if u gained weight ?.

Actually ,I dont really feel my body ,unless when I have aches or pains .I dont feel if i gain or loose weight .I dont dance ,dont excercise .i walk for my errands since I dont drive ,thats all .I dont like moving much ,i stay often hours and hours reading wihtout moving at all .

Im able to relax only when im alone ,when there is people arond me ive to be alert ,look at them ,talked or listen ,ive got to be present,eaware of my surrounding and thats exhausting .An ex boyfriend once told me : I feel sorry for you because you dont know when people loves you or dont .

I analise everything ,i analise other people behavior to see if they like me or not ,i dont feel it .

This website seems great .It helps to see that many others feels the same way ,that im not a freak .And I see some happy testimonies of people who have recovered and feel real again ,but ive never feel real ,oor so long ago that i cant remenber what it is .Im so passive toward life ,like a spectator .i always look for men who have interesting life i can be a part of but whats stopping me to myself makes my life interesting ? i go trough life LIKE IF IM BEING CARRY BY THE WIND OR a stream .I dont know how to choose a direction of my own .

Thank you for reading those lines , the first time I ever tell about my dp .


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## madiemelonlily

Hi, My name is Madie, I am an 18 year old female and not entirely sure if I have depersonalization disorder but it's starting to look like it from all that i've read. When I was 9, my parents went through a horrible divorce where I, being the only child, was stuck in the middle being pulled from pillar to post and had to become the adult and my parents cried themselves to sleep at night. The divorce went for 3 years, with me being used as an emotional punching bag, being told it's my fault, that if I wasnt around that everything would be better and so on. Then when I turned 13 my father went into a coma and had a failing heart which required him to be put on a portable life support device for 2 years, we travelled in and out of hospital, and I became a part time carer. 2 years later he received a transplant and things started to look up, but even now, they're still extremely difficult. I live with one parent for a week, then the other parent for a week, and still, even now, I am the emotional punching bag.

I do currently have a very loving boyfriend who I count as the true person I can trust.

I feel I obtained depersonalization disorder around the middle of my parents divorce, so about 6 years.

I googled a support group for depersonalization and this came up 

I feel not connected to my body, I feel as if im watching things from afar, that I cant stop what im about to say, that consequences mean nothing to me, I have extremely high anxiety, im obsessive, I constantly 'zone out' and I struggle to trust people because I only think the worst of everyone. When I was younger and this first happened, I was thinking about how the world couldnt really be real, that none of this was happening, and at that point it was like my brain pulled away from itself and I was another person, and no matter how much I willed it, it never went back.

I have seen 4 counsellors over the years, none have seemed to have helped, but maybe because I didnt want to be helped. But not that I have someone who loves me and depends on me (my boyfriend) I need to change so I be the person I once was, I want to feel everything again. I seem to be only able to feel extremely strong emotions.

so that's me, I hope thats all you need to know


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## Beatriz

Hey! My name is Beatriz and I'm 16. I have depression and anxiety, but DPDR has been the absolute villain in my life for about 2 years. 24/7. I'm new to the forum, although I've been dealing with DPDR for quite some time, because lately it got worse and worse and everything got even more awful. My breakdowns are more frequent and I start to lose hope quickly, because I've been on countless meds and I've tried countless things. However, I've been reading a lot on this website and it has helped me a lot! I just started taking Lamotrigine and I'm putting a lot of faith on it. I really try not to let DPDR stop me from doing anything - I keep doing what I have to do, but I must admit it's painfully hard. Anyway, that's not really an introduction, since I always say that I am NOT my DPDR, but since that's what I find help for here, and since it's been so terrible, I guess that's enough haha! Thanks for reading!


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## Wendy

A lot of people here have had their post unnoticed and we deeply apologize for it being that way. Many users don't look at this, unfortunately, so I'm sorry everything here has gone the way that it has. However, welcome to the site anyway! A bit belated, but the welcome is still as warm and friendly as always. Hope you enjoy the community and we have a number of resources for you to check out, if you're wanting to read more about the condition. Post around as much as you'd like too, this community sticks together and helps each-other.



Beatriz said:


> Hey! My name is Beatriz and I'm 16. I have depression and anxiety, but DPDR has been the absolute villain in my life for about 2 years. 24/7. I'm new to the forum, although I've been dealing with DPDR for quite some time, because lately it got worse and worse and everything got even more awful. My breakdowns are more frequent and I start to lose hope quickly, because I've been on countless meds and I've tried countless things. However, I've been reading a lot on this website and it has helped me a lot! I just started taking Lamotrigine and I'm putting a lot of faith on it. I really try not to let DPDR stop me from doing anything - I keep doing what I have to do, but I must admit it's painfully hard. Anyway, that's not really an introduction, since I always say that I am NOT my DPDR, but since that's what I find help for here, and since it's been so terrible, I guess that's enough haha! Thanks for reading!


Welcome to the site, Beatriz.  There are many people that are taking Lamotrigine, if you're curious about it, you should post around in our Pharmacology section!


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## keeping

Hello, just posted an introduction thread (the bottled water one), haven't been coping very well with whatever is going on in my head and pretty unsure of how to go about it safely.


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## dropper_00

Hi. My story is when I was 15 I smoked weed and got this dpdr and anxiety. (at the time I didn't know what it was) I didn't talk to anyone about it at all I just tried to deal with it. Eventually it got well enough that I didn't worry about it. Im now 22 and three months ago I took some mdma in a high dose. And for about a week after I didn't feel myself and was anxious then I started getting dpdr. I went and see a phycoligist and he told me what this disorder was. He said ive done damage to my brain and it was common for people to react like this from illicit drugs. It's been hell for me the last few months and like most people I'm worried I have phycosis as my dad also has this from taking drugs. My phyciatrist assures me I'm not phycotic but yet gives me olanzapine 2.5mg. (anti phycotic) I feel it helps me sleep but that's about it.

I'm so over this no one understands ????

Anyway thanks for reading And hello ????


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## Wendy

Welcome to the site, dropper.

This community definitely understands Depersonalization, so don't say no one understands.  I was given anti-psychotics even when I wasn't psychotic, I'm not sure why they did so because I wasn't (and am not) psychotic, but they are professionals and know what they're doing. If they say you're not psychotic, you should put your worries to rest and continue with their diagnosis. I don't know much about drug correlation with Depersonalization, but I know that there are several users on here that have experienced unreality because of drugs. I'm sure if you post around on the forums a bit more, you'll get the attention of those individuals.

Again, welcome to the site and I hope that everything gets better for you. Happy holidays!


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## dropper_00

Thanks for the reply. Yeah maybe I'm not phycotic but does that really matter. This is hell in its self it's a only a label that we out on it ???? also how do I know when people reply to my comments as I don't receive any notifications? Cheers


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## Wendy

You can click "Follow This Topic" at the top of the page and you will receive email notifications when someone responds to you. If you don't wish to do that, you'll have to just check back here every so often in order to see it.


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## dropper_00

Ok thanks for that. Are you currently in recovery or have you recovered? Also did anti phycotics help you at all? I'm worried they are making my dpdr worse.


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## Wendy

dropper_00 said:


> Ok thanks for that. Are you currently in recovery or have you recovered? Also did anti phycotics help you at all? I'm worried they are making my dpdr worse.


I've recovered before, but I am currently experiencing mild unreality during the night-times. I'm not nearly as bad as how I used to be with Depersonalization, so I suppose I'm on my way to recovery. Unfortunately, I didn't take the anti-psychotics as much as I was supposed to. Sometimes I wouldn't take them for days, so I didn't actually acquire the full "effect" of the drugs I was prescribed. However, there are some people on this forum that have taking these medications, so if you want to talk about that with other people who are more experienced, you could make another topic or you could just search up the medication you're taking in the search bar and find experiences based on the results.


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## dropper_00

Oh yes thanks for that ????


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## epeters7

hello

I've had dp since I was 14. It got to a point where I'd only leave the house for school. It took a while to get over it and be normal again. four years later during the finals week of my first semester I feel like a zombie and want to withdraw from life. I feel there is no hope for me. I can barley control my thoughts. the emergency psychiatric center didn't help because I'm not a threat to others. I have to wait until my exams are over to see a real doctor. if anybody sees this before 12/15/14 I really need the support.

thank you


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## Guest

This is a great thread- but don't forget to make your own threads using the posting guidelines linked at the top of the site.


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## Wendy

epeters7 said:


> hello
> 
> I've had dp since I was 14. It got to a point where I'd only leave the house for school. It took a while to get over it and be normal again. four years later during the finals week of my first semester I feel like a zombie and want to withdraw from life. I feel there is no hope for me. I can barley control my thoughts. the emergency psychiatric center didn't help because I'm not a threat to others. I have to wait until my exams are over to see a real doctor. if anybody sees this before 12/15/14 I really need the support.
> 
> thank you


Hey, epeters.

I know what it's like to feel like there's no hope and, in fact, there was a good three month span that I thought that I wasn't ever going to recover. Luckily, I didn't give up and made small steps toward recovery; one year later, I'm feeling substantially better and my Depersonalization has gone down from intense unreality to barely noticeable at all. We'll all get there and there is always hope for every person experiencing this, so don't give up.  If I may ask, do you have any insight as to what caused your Depersonalization when you were 14? I only ask because sometimes people are prone to feelings of unreality when things are particularly stressful (ex: finals week).

I hope everything gets better for you soon, good luck on your exams. Hang in there!

Happy Holidays!


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## epeters7

SolomonOrlando said:


> Hey, epeters.
> 
> I know what it's like to feel like there's no hope and, in fact, there was a good three month span that I thought that I wasn't ever going to recover. Luckily, I didn't give up and made small steps toward recovery; one year later, I'm feeling substantially better and my Depersonalization has gone down from intense unreality to barely noticeable at all. We'll all get there and there is always hope for every person experiencing this, so don't give up.  If I may ask, do you have any insight as to what caused your Depersonalization when you were 14? I only ask because sometimes people are prone to feelings of unreality when things are particularly stressful (ex: finals week).
> 
> I hope everything gets better for you soon, good luck on your exams. Hang in there!
> 
> Happy Holidays!


I honestly don't freaking know. It was a week before I started high school so originally I thought maybe that. A few weeks later I got my first period. The doctors tested my Thyroid but that was normal. Now that I'm rock bottom I want to check again, Although I shouldn't be getting my hopes up in the medicine. Tried clonapin and ativan when this first started but they didn't really help. currently on 200 mg zoloft but Right now I don't think its working (I missed three doses over Thanksgiving and have been taking each dose since).

I feel hopeless when I see most of the successes are from those that got it from hallucinagens. Since I don't know what caused it I have no hope of it going away and never coming back. I live in fear for when it does come back. I was searching on the internet and found a woman who had to give up hobbies and totally change her life to control it. I pray that that won't happen to me. Whats the point in doing things when you constantly feel limited or dead?


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## Guest

As good as this thread is, I'm going to be locking it due to the fact that we want members to introduce themselves individually so that we can roll out our new progress section (coming very soon) along with the introductions. It will make it easier for the Admins and Mods to personally welcome each new member to the site. Thank you for starting the thread Jurgen!


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