# So I'm back



## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

Hello again

I first came here in 2013, for fear of existance and the world etc.

Good news is it got better (took a long time though), I lived happily for years (atleast alot happier and alot happier than I could ever believe that I could feel then).

Bad news is, its back somewhat.

It started about 2 months ago when I got a pain in my testicle, the pain was immense and I went to the ER. They said there was nothing wrong with me and sent me back home.

The pain never subsided and I was after 3 days diagnosed with bitesticular-inflammation. I took antibiotics and painkillers. Worked fine for the first three days, but after that the pain came back, and the painkillers didnt work. I became desperate, it went on for weeks with no relief and I wanted to die. Once I went to the ER again and they gave me morphine which helped temporarely. They did however not find any fault with me.

The doctor said she thought I had had a sickness, but that the sickness and pain had been gone and this is mostly anxiety.

Oh shit I thought, not this again. some more days/weeks went by with immense pain and anxiety (cant believe I survived it honestly) and I took a benzo, which calmed me down AND relieved the pain.

I then somewhat understood that the pain was anxiety driven, so I kept taking benzos and also I took anti-deppressants. Eventually the pain subsided without the benzos.

That was about a week ago or so. So why am I here now? well the deppression is still here, and with the deppression and anxiety came the DPDR thoughts aswell.

Thoughts of existance, thoughts of if other people are really alive? Life feeling 2D and life just feeling completely crazy, absurd and weird.

I have altough somewhat learned to live and cope with those feelings over the years.

What eventually was the last drop for me to come back here was that I've been feeling episodes of complete apathy and no cognitive function whatsoever.

My parents would speak to me and ask how I do, and I hear them, and I want to speak out to them that I feel horrible and want help, but I just dont.

I become almost braindead. I cant get out of bed or anything, nothing matters to me when I'm like that. I got no feelings at all.

I have a feeling this is a reaction to the anti-deppressants (atleast I really really hope so) since Ive read that other people also have become "zombie/robot-like" from them (sertraline/zoloft is the name of the drug).

I become like a person with no meaning, just breathing in my bed. At those times I have difficulty reading aswell.

Right now I feel alot better than I did this morning when this happened, but I still feel really bad ofcourse, just not completely braindead/lobotomized.

I felt like this a week ago aswell when I upped the dosage of antideppresants from 25mg to 50mg. And it went on for about 24hrs.

I decided today to go back to 25mg and see if it helps bring my feelings back.

What I need now is hope and reassurence really. Im back to struggling for my life like I was 5 years ago and I want to believe I can do it again, but right now I dont.


----------



## CamiCat (Oct 30, 2018)

Hi Spadde! Our story is pretty similar. Had 1st episode of dp in 2011, totally recovered in 2/3 years (with ups and downs of course), then perfectly fine til 2 months ago. Stressful time (University, work,other stuff), had a strong headache, fear of having a brain tumor and then... Panic!! Since then, my anxiety came back strong, with insomnia and bad depression. I cried a lot. I began antidepressants again, and when anxiety subsides a bit, DP returned. Now I'm stuck in a limbo in which I'm not so depressed anymore, but I'm not good at all, I don't have bad anxiety but my detachment is huge and I feel like I'm stuck behind my eyes and I feel weird to be human and to exist.

So... Ur not alone. Im worried that this time I've opened a door that cannot be closed, and that I'll stuck with this forever, but rationally I know we can recover again. 
It's just... Hard to be rational


----------



## CamiCat (Oct 30, 2018)

Oh, and I can also relate to the numbness. I've felt that way since the beginning of Citalopram 1 months ago. Like I'm a zombie. It could be a combination of side effects and depression, in which DP plays a huge part.


----------



## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

CamiCat said:


> Oh, and I can also relate to the numbness. I've felt that way since the beginning of Citalopram 1 months ago. Like I'm a zombie. It could be a combination of side effects and depression, in which DP plays a huge part.


Thanks Cami, feels good that someone can relate atleast somewhat.


----------



## CamiCat (Oct 30, 2018)

We gave a lot of stress to our brains. This is just the hangover. Hold on, we'll overcome this. Just give it time to heal. I'm repeating his to myself everyday.


----------



## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

CamiCat said:


> We gave a lot of stress to our brains. This is just the hangover. Hold on, we'll overcome this. Just give it time to heal. I'm repeating his to myself everyday.


Yup I tell myself the same thing over and over. I go back and forth between "it will be fine, it will subside, just chill and dont fight it" and "omg what am I gonna do, HEEEEELP!!!" hah


----------



## CamiCat (Oct 30, 2018)

Ahaha me too. It's like a rollercoaster but it's not funny at all!


----------



## mar (May 26, 2017)

hey guys. my story is also very similiar. existential anxiety. second time with dp. felt fine for 8 years then i relapsed.

i wish we all recover soon.


----------



## CamiCat (Oct 30, 2018)

Hello Mar!

Don't worry, we can do it again!

Friday has been probably one of the worst day of my life, I really felt trapped and cried 1hour no stop. But today I'm starting to feel some improvement . Step by step.
We all know it's a long journey but we have to stay positive.

(I'm taking Citalopram btw... Started with 20mg 1month ago)

Guys we can do it, it's reversible and we know it!! Cmon!


----------

