# Existence.



## Xu (May 6, 2006)

(Disclaimer: This story is really cheesy. Sorry.)

I've felt depersonalized for my entire life, except for a few sections of momentary feeling. Probably caused by having terrible parents and a shitty childhood full of fear.

At this moment in my life, I've been doing nothing for about 3 years because of fear and lack of desire to do anything. Prior, while I was in a period of feeling emotions, I fell in love with a guy who lives in another country. Since then, I've fallen back into my pace of apathy. Despite that, my current plan is to get a job so that I have enough money to move over with him. I need to get the guts to do that though, which sucks.

A couple months ago, after I got back from visiting him, pissed off at myself for feeling essentially nothing while there, and pissed off that people think overthinking makes dp worse, I went into more serious thought.

Sitting on the floor of my room, looking through some old things, I came upon a feather. It was a feather from my bird which died years ago, that I kept. I held it for a while and gave myself somewhat of an awkward feeling... I said to myself.. "This exists because he was alive..."

Every time I thought that to myself, I could feel something, so I tried to hold onto that. I have some other problems to be cured too... I'm a trichotillomaniac, and probably because of that, I then held out a section of my own hair. I looked at it and thought, "This exists because I am alive... This grows because I am alive... This is here because I exist".

I felt kind of hypnotized.. for some reason those words really meant something to me then. My eyes actually widened as I had these thoughts. I laid in bed and concentrated on the most recent times that I could feel emotions, and I could feel them again as I remembered them. I could only stay in this mind frame, and feel things, as long as I kept myself sort of hypnotized into this state. I should feel it's a start of some kind, but I don't know how to continuously feel. For some reason, laziness perhaps, I haven't since tried to make myself feel again. Maybe I feel like it won't make any difference no matter how many times I do it. Dunno.

It was nice though, to even for a moment have the thought that I really existed.


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## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy.


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