# just arrived



## junfan (Apr 12, 2008)

isthis part of dp/ dr???

Well I feel that I have just arrived on the planet! peopel still look wierd, so do I!
I cant seem to realte to even 2 years ago, yet I remeber everthing , yet it does't seem me, like I feel that I have been in a coma or some thing?????

It very unsettling for me, for example I went to see my mum in hospital And I felt like I wasn't her son?? Like I just didn't know how to act even though I weas tryingto be me! I felt very distance and Hurt by my thoughts, yet I just cannot show my feelings, When I was there I just didn't know what to talk about, Like I was some empty person who has nothing inside, Like I just exist, but cannot seem to just relax, Like I cannot be me as I forgot how to be me? It's very very unsettling, and depressvie feeling, But I really feel that I have just woken up to a new life?? Like I remember all my past yet I feel like I have died and then come back as know as I ghost type feeling, like I am not expreesive in my thoughts, All I want to do is just be what I was.

Is this dp/ dr or I am I really losing it, like I feel every day?? I feel like I am so losing the plot completly, Also my dream seem so real Some's I cannot tell the difference between my dream and reality? I also feel that this is all a dream and that I will wake up?? I really do beieve that my depression is realted to my dp.

Is there anyone who can put my mind at rest, I am worried I have something worse, as These feeling also make me feel that I am losing it big time, I have thoughts or uges to hurt people sometimes. I feel so apart form life, I just cannot relate to what I see!! I saw the film numb, but I was not convinced that He display the sympton I go through, I can feel things with my hands, I can touch things and they feel normal yet I cannot stop myself from overanalysing people, and life?? It hurts me deep inside my mind.

I feel dead to my family.

Can onyone help or give me any advice whether this a dp or some seriously fucked up mental disorder, like did, or sciz, or syco, or and other horrible mental condition.
Please help  I feel very lonely inside my head, but no one seems to understand when I tell them, It also hurt that I am 6,3 male and I feel so ashame of my self, and lost, Which degrades me as a man.


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## Guest (Jul 15, 2008)

Hey Junfan I don't know if I'm any help because everything you mentioned I feel too. I also feel like I died when dp first struck and everything after that is a dream.
I also cannot express my feelings and also worry that I have something worse than dp that the doctor's can't find.
My biggest fear is losing my memory, but like you I have a pretty sharp memory but it doesn't seem clear and everything in the past seems clouded. My biggest complaint at present is the feeling like I'm not here, my mind feels numb and everything seems hazy, like my connection to reality was severed.
I hope this is part of dp and not nothing worse.
Can you once again explain how you got d/p and what medications and tests you've taken?
I think you said your dp started right before christmas right?
Is Junfan a name for martial arts?

Anthony


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## junfan (Apr 12, 2008)

hi there, yes how did you know??? it is martial arts, bruce lee birth name, but then it was change to bruce lee, i prefer to call him jun fan, it sounds better.

Yes I think I have had dp, but before hand it started with depression, ive really had deporession on and off for quiet some time, then at christmas, or just before i had problems with my identity?? like i didn't know who I was, I felt weird?? odd? I could not explain this feelings, but It felt like I had just woken up to the now??? Like I had been in a coma or something. Then also came crying spells just after christmas, plus disociation from self. Then I started feeling Like I was in a dream like state. I tryed to explain but I used to go to bed and think this is all a dream, i will get over this!! but it was still there? then came people, they looked wierd like I have never seen them before? Like I have just arrived on this wierd looking planet, I even thought that I may have been taken by alien life form and brain fucked, then put somewere else!!! though i dont believe that, I could, But people always assume your sciz!! Fact is it feels like that.
Life also resembles a kind of matrix type thing, were everybody is controlled by things etc, and were are all just robotic type, but again I dont like to say things like that as people think your sciz, but when I ma ruminating it seems a very good conclusion to come up with but a very scary one hahahaha!!!
I started seeing a shrink 1 month ago, any one she was useless so I was told to see a proper shrink. I told him everything! he said I may have depression with anxiety and dp. A letter has been sent to the dp clinic in london, mausley, were I may be seen by proffessor, but the shrink has put me on lamictal, 50 mg. I am also on 30 mg of citalopram, so basically I here now??? I am just waiting for confirmation to go clinic to be seen by dp proffessor, even the shrink did not know about dp!!!! I new more.

so as you can see, every thing pretty much sucks!!! But I do feel that things have been going up and down rathere than down, but fingers crossed I hope I can get over this night mare of a dream, These are my symptoms I get frequently below. Altough I still beleive that having urges to hurt people family etc is sciz!!! Its not right to have these urges or horrible thoughts!!!!

Depression state, up and down
Self conscious
Low seld esteem
People look wierd, odd, like I dont recognises them, like they seem so odd, weird, who are these people or robotic people that walk around totally oblivious of what is?? Who are they really??
Mirror problems,
No self, Detached, observer of life, I fell like I am in someone elses body and not mind, I seem to be 5% on the planet 95% off the planet.
ruminating about life, people existance, me, what is this, why do i have this and that andon and on.................................with no concrete answers!!!!
Dieing seems to scare me, Like I cannot understand how one minute some one is here and then there not!!! It scares me, yet i still had suidle thoughts!!
Hard urges to self inflict on myself
urges to hurt others, horrible thougths about other people, driving my car off a cliff etc etc....................
I cannot understand how one moment someone or animal is here then the next there gone, How fragile life is............ Theres a fine line between living and not living, there a fine line between dp and not having dp!!!!! people take life for granted, they dont relise how lucky they are to live in a flow of life, they dont relise ho how lucky they are to flow in the moment to monet of normalness.
I wish I could be what I rememeber, no thoughts, just living, getting old etc, but I feel like a complete observer of life.

thanks dude.... :lol:


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## Guest (Jul 15, 2008)

I have exactly the same symptoms. I don't believe it's sciz because we're aware or hyperaware of our condition. I think people who have dp are basically anxious, inquizative, and over analyze things too much. I think we were predisposed to have this condition with the proper trigger somewhere along life's path.
I think plenty of people have brief dp periods and that's it, they don't linger on it.
But with us since we overanalyze by nature dp lingers on. I really don't kow if this is true, or we ruminate because there is really something going on in our brains to make us feel this way.
I was thinking about this last night. I asked myself is my dp lingering because I think about it too much and ruminate, or do I feel this way because I really have something going on in my brain.
I think I was genetically predisposed to this because everyone from my fathers side has some type of mental illness and ever since I was a kid I had ocd, mild depression(severe after dp), existential thoughts, etc. But I always found a way to not dwell on it and ruminate. Then dp hit and all that changed.
I remember after my wife and daughter went away for a month last year on vacation( right before my dp struck), I had some existential and weird thoughts. I was alone in the house and at times in the night I would hear my daughter calling me.
I also imagined me looking at myself and wondered if anybody else saw me.I also remember towards the end of the month where I actually felt like I was going to snap after looking at the walls all day. I even remember telling my sister that I felt like I was becoming like my father with all his mental problems.
During this time I was suffering from panic and anxiety attacks.
I noticed a change in me. Then one day after my family returned I had a breakdown afte blowing my top on the road which led to my dp, existential thoughts and suicidal depression.
I traveled to New York to see doctors to try and find a physIcal cause to what I as experiencing but all the tests came back negative. Not one doctor mentioned dp or depression. Each one referreed me to a psych. 
I finally came to accept my problems were psychological and was prescribed lamactil and zoloft but haven't taken it because I have this fear I'm going to die of an allegic reaction. I instead am trying tryptophan for the depresson and if that doesn't work sam-e.
Most anti depressants work by keeping serotonin in the synapse gap longer, keeping you in a happy mood but do not work for the other brain chemicals.I think my depression is the result of a shortage of dopamine caused by years of masturbating on a daily basis since I was 6 years old, which can do great damage to your brain just as bad as using drugs for a prolonged period of time. I never really did drugs maybe smoked pot a few times in my teens but stopped after one day feeling lost and couldn't remember where I lived and felt like jumping out the window. I think it was laced wih pcp or angel dust or something.
As far as my addiction to masturbation I think it stems from being sexually abused at a young age because to this day I have recurrent deams of having sex with various family members, even though I don't actually remember being abused.
Funny thing my father was sexually abused by his own brother and another female famly member as well as physically abused by his father and thrown out of the house at 15.
Sorry for posting all my personal details which may have nothng to do with this discussion but felt like I had the need to say it in trying to find a dp connection. 
I can't believe that doctor's today are so clueless as to find a diagnosis that I have to resort to the intenet to diagnose myself and play doctor.
Oh by the way, I also feel the same as you as how can people go on with their happy lives not questioning their existance or life in general and how we can be here one minute and gone the next. Life does seem so fragile. How do I know I'm really not dead. I mean if someone walks by a construction site one day and all of a sudden out of the blue a crane comes tumbling down and crushes them to death in one second flat. There is the possibility that person didn't know what hit them and therefore doesn't know if they're dead or alive. I always think about that. That's a scary thought. Sometimes I wonder if that's what happened to me on the road that day when dp first struck. Mabe I died in a terrible car accident that happened so fat without me relizing it and now I'm in limbo. I mean does anybody have an answer to this? How do we know we're alive? I'ts easy to say because I see you, or your typing this, but maybe it's my spirit typing or we are all communicating in limbo not yet accepting our deaths. 
I can't seem to get this out of my mind.


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