# Is This All it Takes?



## Guest (Apr 1, 2010)

I know a lot of new people are on the boards so I will briefly summaries what caused my dp: 6 years of verbal abuse, about 3 years of massive daily anxiety living with an addict spouse and all that brings, facing the end of my marriage, being physically assaulted, kicking my husband out, being nearly homeless and unable to get a job (my kids and I lived in the corner of an unfinished garage), and then giving in and going back to said abusive toxic relationship.

I know that most of you are not religious but I go to church twice a week. One for the regular service and then on tuesday nights for something called "Living Free" which is full of support groups for people going through things in their lives. They do a service and then you go to your group. Well, in all 3 of the things I attended the past week, the general topic was forgiveness. The pastor used garbage as a metaphor for unforgiveness. He had full garbage bags labeled with things like abuse, betrayl, anger, etc and he explained that unforgiveness is like carrying around those nasty stinky bags of garbage with you everywhere you go. It really got me thinking and I realized that I have been clinging incredibly tightly to every single bad thing that has happened to me in the past 7 years (I've been married 7 years and it has never been good). The pastor explained the greek word for bitterness, which is Pikria and means a bitter root that produces toxic fruit. That really made me realize that hanging onto all of this crap has been poisoning my soul. I have been bitter and I believe that all of the crap that I went through caused my dp (the toxic fruit) and continually hanging on to that is allowing the poision to stay in my mind and in my soul.

So I made the decision to forgive. I am tired of playing the victim. I am so tired, weary really, of carrying around the weight of all of the bad crap that has happened to me. I just want to let it go and so I have. It's a daily process but I feel like an incredibly weight has been lifted off of me, just choosing to forgive and let it all go. I don't feel shackled to it anymore.

I haven't really ever been able to get in depth with a counselor but I had the idea that somehow working through everything that happened and caused my dp would make my brain no longer have the fear response and the dp would go away. Then it occured to me that isn't forgiveness the same thing? Are working through it or choosing to just let it go equally effective? I mean, isn't the point of working through it to be able to let it go in the end? Is realizing the concept of forgiveness all it is going to take to come out of the dp???


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## drguy (Mar 27, 2010)

Short answer: yes.

Long answer:

Forgiving whoever it was that put you through the experiences you had to suffer will finally allow you to let go. Not that they will disappear from memory, but you will no longer be without closure. Just letting the past be the past and moving on with your life will reduce the anxiety and obsessive thought that is causing your DP.

Once that is done, you just have to get DP out of your life. Distract yourself until you can go minutes without thinking about it. Soon this will turn into longer periods of time without thinking about the anxiety and therefore the DP. If you cannot forgive then the trauma is being dragged out, it is better to forgive someone and allow yourself to progress than to obsess about what could have been, what should have been and so on.

Remember, DP is essentially an OCD-like thought habit. If you break the habit, through distraction, then after a while your brain will realise that it no longer needs DP as a means of protecting you. It may take a while, but you WILL recover. I am confident of that.

If you haven't already, I highly recommend buying the DP Manual (google it) if you haven't already. Follow it well, it is a brilliantly written book by someone who actually knows what you're going through.

All the best.


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

Jesus said, "The truth will set you free." I find that working through a problem is akin to learning the truth about every situation we find ourselves in. For instance, I came to understand that my mother is abusive but she was abused by my father and maybe others. I feel for her, and forgive her. Jesus also said, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." Forgiveness is understanding that we are all flawed and hurting. The wisdom comes from learning that we are not to choose mates who are abusive again, or walk into a situation that is damaging to our spirit, but to set boundaries with everyone.


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## Sarasi3 (Mar 4, 2010)

Dear tinyfairypeople,

Yes you are on the right track









It is so good that you were able to see what you need to work on to set yourself free! For me the way out has been a little harder to find, I have been going to a psychologist.....

The funny thing is- they are telling me the exact same things that you have outlined here!

Yes you do need to let go. You need to rid yourself of all the pain, resent, guilt and shame of your past. You need to love yourself, be confident and look positively to the future.

My psych is teaching me to address all of the horrible things that have happened to me along the years eg: verbal abuse, numerous deaths in the family etc. I never grieved properly or allowed myself to feel anger towards my ex-partner. I need to address each situation, then I have to accept each of these things and let go.

Keep up the good work!


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## Astrid (Mar 27, 2010)

I am really new to the whole thing of DP, bu tnot so new to trying to recover from bad experineces from the past, unfortunately with little success. I really appreciate your insight and hope forgiveness will help you through your DP. I don't thin forgiveness is an easy step, but it is definitely a good thing to achieve. I wish you all the strength you need.


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## Planetary (Feb 4, 2010)

I really don't think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a process of your mind, is a choice you make, it's something you decide to do, and do. You may feel better emotionally, but I don't think it has effects on the way your mind works, and that's where the DP is. 
I think you should work on what your mind learned after the traumatic experience, and not just on the way you perceive it. If you've been abused and your mind decided that, in order to protect yourself from what happened, it would be better not to feel anything at all, you should probably go back to that and teach your mind another defense mechanism. 
It's not that simple actually, i've been trying to do this for years. But I think it's the right way.

(and by the way, you live in one of the most beautiful places in the whole world and i'm reeeaally jealous!)

Hugs


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