# This isn't going too well..



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I feel bad for even putting this into words, but I have to say it. This is going to end in suicide for me. I can't take another day of feeling like this. 
It's not like the dp is so bad, it's just.. Something is wrong. I can't think about my life, everything scares me to death, going outside or sometimes even standing up, feels like trying to hold my balance on the edge of a very high cliff. I just don't want this anymore. 
What the hell should I do? No-one is able to help me, I've talked to doctors, shrinks, I've been to the E.R, I've done more of "this" and less of "that"... It's still crazy! Nothing helps!!

I can't sleep as I wake up feeling I'm losing my mind. I feel peoples energies, or is it all in my head? The tiniest sounds or even looking at the wrong color, will make my ears hurt and I just want to throw up. I'm so fragile!! I don't want to have this life, I really don't want to think about ever having h a d an existence. I feel separated into two parts, my body is like a lump of meat I'm carrying! I'm TIRED!

Who the fuck am I?? Why isn't anyone else feeling left out from life? Buildings, nature, people, you all make me sick! I feel like a fetus holding on to the inside of my mothers womb for the thirteenth month, I just don't want to be alive! I don't want to breath, my lungs, my intestines, my brain, it all scares me! Death scares me, life, the universe, God, aliens, can somebody shut it all off and give me some rest?

I really did try, but I'm running out of options and I don't have any strength left to carry on. Tell me there's hope, please, somebody.


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

York,

there is hope! we are all extremely proud of you, you should be as well. You're a hero for going through this, and it does get better. Its hard to focus and function 100 percent during this, but we do our best. We have so many other attributes in our personality and lives which are worth building upon. Is there something that you still find enjoyable? something which amuses you? You could explore that side of you even more.

I sometimes look at other people, and how they live, and I used to get jealous, and I do sometimes. I had to accept that I am special, and am exploring myself more and more than anyone else. Once this is over, we will appreciate every second here on earth, which will be amazing. There are options available for you to feel better, you may talk with a close friend/family,and choose medication to help you deal with this rough patch. Hope is out there, so hang in there.


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2010)

York,

I know about feeling other peoples energies and all of that. What you have to do is endure this time, because eventually, you will become stronger. It will be easier to weather the storm. And that is exactly what you must do. For yourself, for your child(ren?), for all of us, and mainly for yourself. I once was told about how Willow Trees Bend in the Wind, and Oak Trees stand tall and won't sway in a storm. Which one do you think will be standing after the hurricane? Peace.


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## Guest (Feb 14, 2010)




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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

It DOES get better. It may not seem like it now, but life really is worth it. Hang in there.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Thank you guys.. I really just want to recover







I'm still suicidal, I don't know how to deal with it. The worst thing is I feel like I don't have any control, some days I think it's not such a big deal if I do it. Then the next I can't believe I've considered it at all.
Maybe I should commit myself to a ward or something.. I just don't want any meds shoved down my throat. I'm scared as hell..


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## optimusrhyme (Aug 24, 2004)

york said:


> Thank you guys.. I really just want to recover
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have you tryed Cogntive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? I remember being in the exact same position as you. Everything you talked about in your original post sounded like me when I was depressed and sucidal. But if you find the right CBT to talk to, it can really enhance your life and set down a nice foundation for you to get back on track. I know the feeling your getting right now is a hopeless one, and that you feel like it will NEVER get better. but it DOES GET BETTER dude trust me. I've been thru it, and you are going to get thru it. Its these hard times that makes you that much more stronger when you come out of it. Good luck york.

Oh yah, dont go on meds unless you absolutely have to man. They mess with your brain and change what type of person you are. Plus the withdrawls when you come off them can set you back for years (this is just my opinion and my experience with them).
Look into the natural way of getting better. lots of Exercise,Water,CBT, reading self help books, meditation, eating right, and try and socialize as much as possible and you will be alright brotha.


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## Guest (Feb 14, 2010)

Optimusrhyme said:


> Have you tryed Cogntive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)? I remember being in the exact same position as you. Everything you talked about in your original post sounded like me when I was depressed and sucidal. But if you find the right CBT to talk to, it can really enhance your life and set down a nice foundation for you to get back on track. I know the feeling your getting right now is a hopeless one, and that you feel like it will NEVER get better. but it DOES GET BETTER dude trust me. I've been thru it, and you are going to get thru it. Its these hard times that makes you that much more stronger when you come out of it. Good luck york.
> 
> Oh yah, dont go on meds unless you absolutely have to man. They mess with your brain and change what type of person you are. Plus the withdrawls when you come off them can set you back for years (this is just my opinion and my experience with them).
> Look into the natural way of getting better. lots of Exercise,Water,CBT, reading self help books, meditation, eating right, and try and socialize as much as possible and you will be alright brotha.


I agree. One thing I have learned is that when I get to that point, where I am just going freaking nuts and it's all I can do not to slice my wrists open, is that the way I am feeling is being trigger by something. Two nights ago I was where you are at. My dp had been getting exponentially worse over a course of days until it was as bad as it was when I first got it. I couldn't get out of bed. I spent an entire day crying and the next day I was just completely convinced that I was going freaking insane. Then I stopped and was like "Ok, what is triggering this? What coinsided with me suddenly getting worse and I was able to narrow it down. I will e-mail you on here what it was, because I don't feel comfortable talking about it openly but honestly, after I just sat and basically word vomited all over and cried and then took a LOT of benzos and slept, I felt a little better the next day. Then yesterday morning I woke up freaking out. Massive anxiety. I was having insanely fast thoughts. I felt like someone was in my head chattering. My sister asked me if something might have been causing it. I broke down crying and was able to see that it was because my estranged husband was bringing my kids down to visit and I had to see him. After I faced that and cried, the rapid thoughts and massive anxiety immediately went away. By night time I was at a restaurant laughing and loving on my kids. Today my dp has been almost completely gone.

So my guess that, beyond the depression, there is a trigger at work here. Not that you need to answer on this thread (you can e-mail me on here if you feel comfortable) or even that you need to answer anyone but yourself, but you need to stop and think what might be causing you so much anxiety and stress. The dp is just a symptom. Something is happening to you that is running much deeper.

I also wanted to add to what pp said that you should start taking a Sublingual Vitamin B complex and Vitamin D. If you can, go to your doctor and get weekly B12 shots in addition to the sub b complex. I got massive depression the winter before last. I wanted to die. I hardly ever got out of bed. I felt like breathing was hard to do. The first thought I would have when I opened my eyes was "I don't want to do this. I don't even want to be alive. I don't ever want to wake up". It was REALLY bad. I started getting weekly b12 shots and taking vitamin d and vitamin b and it brought me out of that depression. Those vitamins are incredibly powerful and are an amazing alternative to medications.

I am here for you. *hugs*


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## nabber (Feb 13, 2009)

york said:


> Thank you guys.. I really just want to recover
> 
> 
> 
> ...


After my suicide attempt I was put in a ward for 5 days. For the most peole there were nice and you could see in their eyes empathy. My first day arriving I was on so many benzo's and ambien I slept and slept a full 30 hours or so. When I came to, I went to the front desk and asked for my meds, she gave me celexa, and lamictal.. where's my klonopin? she says, the doctor will be in here throughout the day for one on one sessions..
There were about 8 other patients all with suicide attempts. Ages ranging from 18-65... It was really sad, old lonely women, a couple of military guys, one missing both of his legs. After my five days I made friends, some left, new ones came in.. all with the same sadness in their eyes. We did a lot of group therapy, I wish we had more one on one therapy. Everyone was positive and wanted to help you. The only gripe I really had was with the Doctor who came in and talked to each of us for about 10 minutes then went his jolly way. I asked if he had read my charts, told him I was on 4mg klonopin a day.. he says we're going to try abilify. I wanted to get out of there so I just agreed. I took about 35mg klono/xanax and a whole bunch of ambien to get in there, so by this fifth day the drugs were still in my system. I didn't know the true pain of withrawl yet. When I did get out though I had a pure panic attack and basically fell over in the grass squeezing my bag and people would walk by and ask if I was alright, and I couldn't even respond to them. Luckly my brother got a doctor to prescribe me 1 2mg pill to last me until my scheduled appointment with a psychatrist.

I think it may help you, it was a positive experience, we all woke up early in the morning and drank coffee and talked to eachother, chit chat mostly. But it was nice sitting there with people that can in some way relate to you. 
My favorite part was when I saw this therapist one-one and she even went onto the internet and read about depersonalization. It's not really what she said, her words were sincere, and it made me feel good.

Soo, don't be afraid of turning yourself into a psych ward. It's not as bad as people make it out to be, and most of the faculty and staff are there to help.. Give it a shot, what have you got to lose? mabye you'll even find someone else in there with DP.

Oh, and if you go in their on your own free will, they will not take away your meds, and you can leave whenever you want to.


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## Guest (Feb 15, 2010)

nabber said:


> After my suicide attempt I was put in a ward for 5 days. For the most peole there were nice and you could see in their eyes empathy. My first day arriving I was on so many benzo's and ambien I slept and slept a full 30 hours or so. When I came to, I went to the front desk and asked for my meds, she gave me celexa, and lamictal.. where's my klonopin? she says, the doctor will be in here throughout the day for one on one sessions..
> There were about 8 other patients all with suicide attempts. Ages ranging from 18-65... It was really sad, old lonely women, a couple of military guys, one missing both of his legs. After my five days I made friends, some left, new ones came in.. all with the same sadness in their eyes. We did a lot of group therapy, I wish we had more one on one therapy. Everyone was positive and wanted to help you. The only gripe I really had was with the Doctor who came in and talked to each of us for about 10 minutes then went his jolly way. I asked if he had read my charts, told him I was on 4mg klonopin a day.. he says we're going to try abilify. I wanted to get out of there so I just agreed. I took about 35mg klono/xanax and a whole bunch of ambien to get in there, so by this fifth day the drugs were still in my system. I didn't know the true pain of withrawl yet. When I did get out though I had a pure panic attack and basically fell over in the grass squeezing my bag and people would walk by and ask if I was alright, and I couldn't even respond to them. Luckly my brother got a doctor to prescribe me 1 2mg pill to last me until my scheduled appointment with a psychatrist.
> 
> I think it may help you, it was a positive experience, we all woke up early in the morning and drank coffee and talked to eachother, chit chat mostly. But it was nice sitting there with people that can in some way relate to you.
> ...


I agree with all of this. Both times I went, it was comforting to be there, especially the last time. I made a lot of friends there too and there were two counselors on staff that you could talk to any time, day or night. There were groups we went to all through the day. We would go to group topic therapy, crafts, information sessions, and then we would sit and talk with a psych every day. It was a very calm and positive atmosphere. They even gave us ice cream every day.


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## BananaMan (Jul 23, 2009)

If it helps I think I know exactly what you are going through right now.

I am on the way back up from a major crash. First time back here in ages.

This is always the hardest time for me, when things appear to have been getting better and then I just find myself back in the same place I was before, just older. I often wonder when I will no longer have the strength to do it all again, I think this is the last time for me.

I am so tired of faking my life. Smile when you know people expect it, put the happy tone in your voice, use all the right words so that people will think you are ok and just leave you alone, because as much as they try they just do not understand what you are going through. There is nothing worse than "advice" or "help" from someone who has no idea what it is like.

Apparently I am passively suicidal, I think that means that if I had the motivation, feelings and energy to kill myself I would. Interesting that I got this "diagnosis" and was then given medication to supposedly increase my motivation, feelings and energy?


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Oh God, you guys.. I've laughed and cried myself through all of your replies.. It's so sad, and so true what you all say. Thank you so much for caring, it really means the world to me. 
I'm still pretty fucked up, mostly because I just want to get on with my life without this horrible thing, and I'm so tired of being "different". Tomorrow I'll be 31, imagine, and my life seems such a waste. What if it stays like this forever? When I think about what I've lost it just kills me.

Thanks again for cheering me up, you should all get a medal for managing to cheer up a dead thing, hugs to all of you.


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## Guest (Feb 18, 2010)

york said:


> Oh God, you guys.. I've laughed and cried myself through all of your replies.. It's so sad, and so true what you all say. Thank you so much for caring, it really means the world to me.
> I'm still pretty fucked up, mostly because I just want to get on with my life without this horrible thing, and I'm so tired of being "different". Tomorrow I'll be 31, imagine, and my life seems such a waste. What if it stays like this forever? When I think about what I've lost it just kills me.
> 
> Thanks again for cheering me up, you should all get a medal for managing to cheer up a dead thing, hugs to all of you.


I tried to pm you but your mailbox is full. Delete some stuff so I can pm you


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## dreamingoflife (Oct 22, 2006)

york said:


> I feel bad for even putting this into words, but I have to say it. This is going to end in suicide for me. I can't take another day of feeling like this.
> It's not like the dp is so bad, it's just.. Something is wrong. I can't think about my life, everything scares me to death, going outside or sometimes even standing up, feels like trying to hold my balance on the edge of a very high cliff. I just don't want this anymore.
> What the hell should I do? No-one is able to help me, I've talked to doctors, shrinks, I've been to the E.R, I've done more of "this" and less of "that"... It's still crazy! Nothing helps!!
> 
> ...


This looks like something that I could have wrote. I feel this way often. The only difference is that I know I could never commit suicide because I am way more scared of death than I am of living this way. Most days I feel like a complete waste of space because I have let my anxiety and dp control me so much that I feel I can't do anything anymore.

The scary part of all this is that no one can help me in the end but myself and I have no clue how to even begin. I have tried pills, ignoring it, eating better, thinking positive and moving on with my life and it always seems to come back just as bad as before.

I don't want to whine on your post but I do want you to know that I feel the exact same way as you right now. We both have children and that can make this even scarier because i know you as well as myself don't want to let our child/children down and we want to be there for them always and being like this we feel we can't. We just have to hold on to that small amount of hope and try and push our way out of this mess somehow for them though.

I just try and remember that so many people have recovered from this and that I shouldn't feel left out and any different than any of them and that it can happen for me and you as well. Not sure how I will recover but I tell myself I will, even though I don't believe it right now. Hope you are feeling even slightly better.


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## BananaMan (Jul 23, 2009)

york said:


> Tomorrow I'll be 31


How was your birthday, get any nice presents?


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## Xerei (Feb 17, 2010)

york said:


> I feel bad for even putting this into words, but I have to say it. This is going to end in suicide for me. I can't take another day of feeling like this.
> It's not like the dp is so bad, it's just.. Something is wrong. I can't think about my life, everything scares me to death, going outside or sometimes even standing up, feels like trying to hold my balance on the edge of a very high cliff. I just don't want this anymore.
> What the hell should I do? No-one is able to help me, I've talked to doctors, shrinks, I've been to the E.R, I've done more of "this" and less of "that"... It's still crazy! Nothing helps!!
> 
> ...


come to the chat with me when you have time, if you would like..I'll try giving you the words you'll need.


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