# My very detailed experience of symptoms



## DannyG (Nov 20, 2013)

I have decided to write this because the amount of symptoms, thoughts and feelings of my suspected condition, until now anyway, have been extremely difficult to articulate. Some of them are feelings that most may experience, although not think twice about them, some of the symptoms and feelings are some that some have never experienced, and therefore may lack empathy and understanding about them. The symptoms, thoughts and feelings I am about to talk about have been there, in some form for most of the life that I can remember, and have steadily increased certainly over the past 4 to 5 years. This could be down to several reasons, such as an increase in my stress level, maybe an increase in my alcohol intake, or even my infrequency in eating at regular times. I am seeking a firm diagnosis.
I will start initially with my first memory of these symptoms. I was probably only around 12 years old when I remember being in church one day with my mum and grandmother. The usual things were happening, the priest doing readings etc, when I remember feeling very weird all of a sudden. I felt as if I had "stepped back" almost out of myself. I was still very much within my body although I felt as if I were in a dream, floating, and that it was not reality. I remember hearing the priests voice echoing throughout the whole church and thinking how odd it was that the voice could reverberate for so long. I felt physically numb and to reassure myself that I could still feel things I had started to pinch myself. This feeling obviously led me to panic. I remember my hands being freezing cold, clammy, my heart racing and feeling dizzy, almost vertigo. I remember thinking that the high ceilings in the church were so high, that if I were to look up, I would fall over. I could not for the life of me, (and STILL cannot) find any real logical explanation for why this was happening. I think from this point, I seemed to get into a bit of a cycle and so, it seemed that every time I went to church, these feelings reoccurred. It made going to church completely unbearable. I used to try to make excuses to family members as to why I was unable to go, and eventually, I got my own way and wasn't expected to go anymore.
Other experiences of these symptoms included being at assembly in school. Having to sit still was a struggle, I was fidgety, blushing and convinced that people were able to see/hear what I was thinking. This made my anxious.
I was always a very nervous child when I was younger. I recall being in reception class and having regular "accidents" that the teacher had to deal with.
I think I have always suffered with some sort of anxiety issue, one of the most prominent memories of these anxiety symptoms was the FEAR OF LOSING CONTROL. This started from an early age I think. This has affected most things in my life thus far, such as learning to drive, given the opportunity to step up to the mark e.g. giving presentations/talks, learning to swim and probably many more I cannot think of now.

Looking at more recently experiences, I have been able to list all of my symptoms, most of which now occur altogether. I have been able to relate to most symptoms in this book, however I listed these symptoms before actually reading "OVERCOMING DEPERSONALISATION AND RE-REALISATION".

My symptoms are as follows: I would mostly describe these symptoms as "episodes", but as of late would describe them as pretty much as occuring every waking day.

-.A withdrawal from reality. Up until recently, this symptom occurred SUDDENLY and out of the blue. I could not for the life of me think of a trigger for this as it would happen at any time of the day, or at any occasion. This symptom is one that I find most distressing and I can almost guarantee, causes me some symptoms that could be construed as ANXIETY symptoms. The withdrawal from reality is a feeling as if I am NOT REALLY THERE. My eyes start to feel strange and heavy as if I am not able to see out of them properly, especially on the left side. I recall suffering from migraines when I was younger, which included this feeling, and I was able to relate this feeling to a migraine. This feeling would in turn progress to what the doctors call an AURA whereby I would suffer visual disturbances in my left eye, namely a flashing light which would increase in size and intensity until I had lost total vision on my left side. The flashing light would, over the period of anywhere between 20 minutes to 1 hour, start to slow down and eventually stop. This would leave me with prolonged disturbed vision like what people have described to me in the past as as FILM over one's eye. This FILM is what I experience around 90% of my time now. 
-.Eye sensitivity to light / visual distortion. This occurs mostly every day. When leaving the house, I feel as if I cannot lift my head up towards the sky as it hurts my eyes. Additionally, it feels as if my eyes cannot focus properly. As mentioned above, it almost feels like the beginning or end of what I would describe as an AURU migraine. This remains generally a CONSTANT symptom. 
-.Dizzy/Disorientated/Buzzing at the back of the head. The dizziness has become an increasing problem, I would say over the last 2 years, and has increased in frequency to the point where I now wake up feeling dizzy most days. This doesn't seem to go away. I feel that this symptom takes away my ability to walk in a straight line, especially in busy environments. If someone was to ask me now, to walk in a straight line I probably could achieve it, but at the height of my symptoms, probably not. 
-.Unfamiliarity (opposite of de-ja vous I suppose). This is a feeling that I have become aware of more recently. Imagine as if someone had just transported you to a foreign city that you had never visited. How strange would you feel? My logical side of my brain tells that that I have been there before, in fact many times such as Baker Street Station where I work. But there is something holding back these logical thoughts. I ultimately KNOW where I am going, and I am able to get there , but there is something telling me that I will get lost. I have to constantly reassure myself that I HAVE been there before, and that I DO KNOW where I am going. I have, recently got out of a tube station and due to these feelings, actually got myself lost as I took a small detour. This in turn made my PANIC and I ended up walking around in a circle for around 20 minutes and was late meeting a friend. This symptom especially, leads on to the next symptom that I will describe. 
-.Feeling robotic - doing things without any emotion, recognition, or care. Most days now are me carrying out tasks that I do not care about, whether it be going to work or going to social occasions. 
-.Chest feels very heavy, as if someone is sitting on it. I only recently noticed this symptom actually, and I can probably relate it to anxiety issues. I remember being the passenger in a Police vehicle on patrol when I first came across this feeling so this was probably about three years ago. I noticed a pattern with this one. This usually only occurred whilst I was sat down in the vehicle. 
-.Head feels very cloudy, I can't get thoughts out very easily - More of a long standing symptom as the others stated above 
-.Feel off-balance, as if I am going to fall over. One side feels weaker than the other (LEFT SIDE again) - This usually occurs WITH most of the above symptoms actually. I will generally notice this symptom if I was walking from A-B or if I was standing still. This generally leads to symptoms of PANIC also. It's not something that is there all of the time, but comes in stages and I've noticed an increase in this over the past three months at least. 
-.Total loss of concentration - As my symptoms have progressed, this one has become more problematic, whether it be because of my panic or worry of what is happening to me, but sometimes can come out of the blue, whilst carrying out any sort of task whether personal or professional. I can easily lose my train of thought. This has impacted on my ability to carry out simple tasks, especially in work. It takes a specific amount of concentration to be able to follow a list of tasks that I may write down at the start of the day. My job requires me to be organised and focussed, and as my symptoms are increasing I am finding this most difficult. My boss has recently noted my inability to remember simple tasks that she had set out that day. 
-.Becoming socially withdrawn - not wanting to talk to anyone. - This symptom probably relates to the first that I mentioned however, I think its worth mentioning again as its something that is becoming more noticeable of late, especially to those that are close to me. I could be bright and bubbly one minute, then withdrawn and unresponsive the next. By unresponsive I mean that I am actually ABLE to respond, but with hardly any emotion of as if I am not really listening to them properly. The usual flow of conversation is usually broken because of this symptom and this is having a big impact on my social life recently. New people think I'm the quiet, boring one. This may just be a thought that is inside my own head but worth mentioning. 
-.Difficulty listening to people and taking in information. As with some of the other withdrawal symptoms I suffer with, this can also impact on me being able to listen to people. It feels like I have to make an extra special effort to actually listen to which people are saying. Maybe this is because, as mentioned above, I seem to do things, carry out tasks without any sort of emotion or recollection. Information that I process basically goes in one ear and out of the other .I also notice at times that I often ask people to repeat what they had said SEVERAL times to the point of their frustration. 
-.Irritability. This has become increasingly problematic. When all of the above symptoms are occuring, it is difficult for me to be able to concentrate on more that one thing. This leads to confusion and this leads me to become irritable. This usually comes in the form of several SOUNDS occuring at the same time, usually people talking, but it would be things due to noise disturbances such as loud TVs, traffic noise etc. 
-.Changes in mood - sudden feelings of bubbling anger is certainly one to note. I have noticed this being more prevalent over the past few months, rather than years. Sometimes I really cannot pinpoint the trigger and this concerns me. Sometimes the change in mood will be a little more subtle, and can sometimes have a trigger. Triggers include such things as someone being annoyed with me, something that I have done wrong or done something to upset someone . The feeling will come with a pretty strong emotion with what feels like a bit of an adrenaline rush and a sinking feeling in my stomach. It is generally something that I cannot seem to shake off within a short space of time and this is something that I will often think about, or even obsess about for days or even weeks. On the other side of the spectrum, I sometimes feel quite elated that my mood has lifted, I become very energetic, very articulate again and I get the feeling like I just want to do everything, because I am doing it with enthusiasm and excitement. This, however generally doesn't last long, and occurs very little nowadays. 
-.Pitch perception? - 99% of the time, this symptom occurs the night after consumption of alcohol. I have tried to come up with a logical explanation such as having been in a loud club etc, but this sometimes hasn't been the case. This symptom is the most difficult thing to describe. Basically, things seem higher in pitch than they do normally. I notice this particularly when picking up the telephone and listening to the dialling tone, or when me radio beeps in work. The sound is distinctively higher in tone than it normally would. Therefore, "distorted "I suppose. 
-.Senses are unbearably heightened. This has recently become quite problematic and has made me quite a nervous on-edge person. Imagine being constantly on pins, waiting for something awful to happen, therefore, when you hear a sound that wasn't particularly expected, or you see something such as a flash of light from a reflection of a car window , it can send me into a full blow panic attack. Sometimes its as if I waiting for that moment that I am going to lose it, and start hearing voices or start hallucinating. 
-.Totally involuntary movements / compelled to move - When all of these symptoms come together it is obviously extremely distressing for me. I look at ways to cope with these symptoms of numbness and of unreality. Some of these may be regularly looking into the mirror (as described in the DPAFU book). When symptoms are particularly bad (which they have been as of late) I have noticed the urge to move around in the seat that I may be sitting in. This has actually been visibly noticed by colleagues in the canteen one morning. One described me as being very pale, cold and clammy and almost "writhing" to get out of something. Other physical symptoms that I have noticed include the clicking of my jaw, constantly whilst experiencing the crescendo of my symptoms. I also note that I chew a lot of gum during this time, as it gives my jaw a break!!! Other repetitive movements include chewing on the tops of my pens, T-shirts and even the elasticated band that covers my radio on work. These what I call "coping mechanisms" have become very habitual nowadays. These movements could also include constantly putting my finger into my ear, or putting my hands into my pocket and constantly fiddling with whatever is in there, such as a pen or money etc, or even constantly touching my face. I call these coping mechanisms because it almost gives me a reassurance that I am "still here" for fear of losing conciousness. I also notice that this sometimes happens without me even realising it. Some people in work notice when I feel odd, although they don't actually know what it happening to me. They say that they notice that I loosely clench my fists with my thumbs inside my palms. I have come to notice this more since it was pointed out to me. I feel this is one of my outward signs of tension. 
-.Smelling strange, unpleasant things - I used to put things down to smoking cigarettes because this can give off some unpleasant smells. However when I gave up smoking the smell remained. It is not something that I could relate the smell to, however it is unpleasant and I do find myself blowing my nose to see if the smell would go away, but it doesn't. This occurs SUDDENLY and it not a constant. 
-.Bed wetting, strange sleep behaviour , strange dreams and waking up biting my tongue - This is a VERY RECENT symptom, which I suppose could be caused by the constant stress and worry of what is actually happening to me. Over the past few weeks I have woken up on several occasions, having gone to the toilet before bed, with what appears a full bladders worth of urine that has managed to release during the night. Additionally, I get a lot of disrupted sleep, notably when just nodding off I wake up very suddenly with my heart racing, but most concerning to me I will sometimes wake up biting my tongue. Most recently on holiday I was with two friends who were sleeping in the next room, all of a sudden I felt this HUGE jault and I screamed so loud I even woke the neighbours. 
**I recall being taken into hospital when I was younger for having a suspected fit in my sleep that my mum witnessed as what she would describe as a typical seizure. I would around 12 years old at the time, an EEG was carried out however as far as I recall, nothing concerning was discovered.
Other symptoms include:
-.A loss of appetite / but sometimes overeating too 
-.increased nausea, especially when eating with other people (just an observation) 
-.Excessive sweating 
-.intolerant to extreme temperatures - I've noticed that this can exacerbate or even trigger the most concerning of the symptoms above . 
-.When feelings all or most of the above, my thoughts, and actions are totally speeded up. Such as walking down the high street shopping. My actions will almost become robotic, as if in the middle of a panic attack. "Lets get what I need, and get out of here" 
-.pacing, unable to relax for fear of what is going to happen. 
-.Waking up feeling totally exhausted, every day, without exception 
-.CAFFEINE can trigger these symptoms 
-.Sometimes, after eating the feeling of extreme tiredness can lead to the rest of the symptoms kicking in. 
As you can imagine these symptoms are very distressing and have led to changes in my behaviour. This may be down to the way I think about these symptoms, thinking about the 5-cycle behaviours with CBT therapy. However I do feel that the main issue here would be symptoms of DPAFU. All these symptoms are starting to make me feel very isolated, and are greatly impacting on my confidence, whether it be personal or professional.
This has led to certain avoidance behaviours such as
reluctancy to leave the house
looking in the mirror regularly
I go quiet
I cancel pre planned events
I retreat / go home early
I look for places that I am less visible to others, so that others do not notice any of my potential reactions.
which is turn has caused my MOOD to be low. I have considered the fact that my mood IS quite low at the moment and that this could be causing the increased symptoms of DPAFU that I seem to always have experienced.
I think that these symptoms do often increase in times of stress. I do recall completing my A Level chemistry exam when I had, what I would describe as above, as a migraine with the usual aura , however this one was slightly different. This time I felt tingling at the top of my lip and my left little finger. Both sensations progressed to tingling to NUMBNESS and PARAYSIS of my two far left fingers. This occurred for a short time, probably for about 10 minutes before things started to return to their normal state.
I want to make whoever is reading this VERY CLEAR. I do not want to harm myself, or end my life. I want to take control of the situation, once and for all and try and get a clear diagnosis of what the hell is going on. I feel that if a diagnosis is achieved, I will be able to acknowledge it and whether it is effectively treatable or not, does not make any difference to me at this stage as I have lived with it for quite a while.
Because I believe that in some way, some of these symptoms started uncontrollably from a young age I therefore feel that there are several possibilities as to the cause of these symptoms. Having read and confirmed in my own head that most of the symptoms above relate to those of DPAFU, I have considered that the current HEIGHTENED DPAFU symptoms have been caused by either stress, low mood or high anxiety levels. What does concern me is that some of these symptoms can come out of the blue, whether or not I have had a particularly stressful/less day, any personal confrontations etc etc.....
I have considered past traumatic events as follows:
My Diagnosis with a spinal tumor
My Subsequent diagnosis with cancer in 2004
My best friend being diagnosed and subsequent death in 2006
My parents splitting up at the age of 17 (during my A-Levels)
Some frequent dealings with fatalities on the railway due to my job
Two heart-breaks
These are the most traumatic experiences in my life so far, and I would be stupid to think that these things havent affected the person that I have become. Trying to translate these experiences into my current symptoms / thoughts / feelings / moods are quite difficult.
I was successfully treated for my cancer and was declared in remission in early 2005 and carried on with my life.
**One thing to note is that I recall being released home from hospital around Christmas 2004 after my surgery. I recall some of the above feelings / symptoms being present, and possibly being at the height they are at now. Note, not ALL of the feelings/ symptoms that I now experience, were present in 2004. Specifically, these feelings included being constantly on edge, as if I was expecting something bad / fatal to happen to me because I was leaving the security of the hospital. Not only this, I also experienced this feeling more so in the company of others. Bear in mind at this stage my mobility was severely restricted to a zimmer frame and I was unable to climb the stairs to go to the toilet. I became reliant on others to help me. I recall, even my mother walking into the room. I instantly tensed up, my nerves were all over the place, and all I wanted to do was escape and be on my own. The thought of anyone coming into the same room as me was just "all too much" for my senses to take. I wonder if I had a nervous breakdown. I also recall panicking, because my brain was rushing ahead of my body, which was unable to do the things it was once able to do. My recovery was pretty fast in hind sight and these symptoms passed within a couple of weeks. I became more mobile and independent. I receive regular check ups for reassurance that the tumor has not re-grown. I do consider however, due to the nature of my cancer, it can be very unpredictable and reoccur many years after initial remission. This does play on my mind regularly.
Having been referred to Camden Psych after speaking with my GP about my anxieties, I was able to write down some Situations where my symptoms were at their most heightened. However after digging a little deeper it would seen that the symptoms as all stated above actually occur in most situations. This could be as simple as sitting down watching TV, at my computer, walking to the shops, travelling on public transport. I then became quite confused and therefore even more anxious about what these feelings actually are.
Having done my own research on what causes symptoms related to DPAFU I have become convinced that these symptoms need to be investigated on a physical/neurological level aswell as a psychological level. I am convinced that if I am given the all clear from anything neurological / any other physical causes, then I may start my recovery and fully accept that these current unmanageable and overwhelming and controlling symptoms / feelings / emotions as something that I can manage with psychological help and or medication.
The possibilities I want to discount for peace of mind are:
-.Epilepsy 
-.Any Irregular imaging of the brain 
Just before I went on holiday recently, I called my GP in desperate need of calming down. I felt demented, my thoughts were all too much, too fast and I was desperate to be calmed down. After very briefly explaining some of my symptoms he prescribed me SERTRALINE aswell as DIAZEPAM for the height of my anxieties. The same day I called my primary mental health care worker who recommended the book, "OVERCOMING DPAFU" and after only reading 25% of the book, I felt as if it was written for me. I felt a sense of relief, and my mood temporarily lifted. I remember emailing my PMHW the next day to tell her I hadn't suffered any panic attacks that day. This leads me to think that the problem MAY ACTUALLY BE psychological, but there will always been an element of doubt in my mind.
In previous sessions with my PCMHW we discussed the possibility that I am suffering with a health anxiety. Considering my past history and fully admitting to being overly health conscious and sometimes zoning in on certain sensations within the body I am willing to accept this.
I also managed to acknowledge that I was in fact suffering from panic attacks, but my GUT INSTINCT is that these initially stemmed from the symptoms of DPAFU.
I do think, at this stage that I have a mixed bag of LOW MOOD, ANXIETY and DPAFU.


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## KevinSmith14 (Nov 16, 2013)

I feel all the exact same symptoms that you do to a T. From what I have read so far, you are the only other person who actually gets so scared of their symptoms that they have a panic or anxiety attack (me being the other person).

Very good description of all of your symptoms, it is difficult to express them a lot of the time. They almost feel as though they cannot be represented with words, the only one's who get it are the people who feel them. Even then, some concise explanations of DP still don't do justice to the actual feeling of it. They make it seem as though it's just a passive "I feel out of it" type condition.

Do you ever find that you ruminate on existential fears? Lately I have been finding that i consistently question whether or not I am in a dream, to the point where I work myself up into a panic attack because I almost believe that it is true.


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## Cryptopsy (Sep 29, 2013)

After reading your symptoms I feel like I am not alone and that I'm not crazy


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## DannyG (Nov 20, 2013)

Hi guys! I've only just seen these replies. It's so nice to know Im not the only one!! What have you guys done so far? Have you been referred to anyone and have you had any firm diagnosis? Stay in touch. D


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## Starovoit (Mar 7, 2015)

r u still checking this forum?


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