# I don't even know anymore



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I realized today that I've forgotten what the point of living is. Back before I had dp, I thought it was falling in love, getting married, having kids, getting a career, seeing the world, loving and laughing as much as possible. Now, I really see no point. I am divorced and honestly have no desire to even ever date anyone again. I'm convinced that no "normal" man without dp could understand what I deal with or have the understanding and patience to "deal" with me. It all just seems like a really long struggle to survive, force yourself up every day, work, pass out, repeat. What's is the point? I mean really.


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## china77 (Aug 27, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I realized today that I've forgotten what the point of living is. Back before I had dp, I thought it was falling in love, getting married, having kids, getting a career, seeing the world, loving and laughing as much as possible. Now, I really see no point. I am divorced and honestly have no desire to even ever date anyone again. I'm convinced that no "normal" man without dp could understand what I deal with or have the understanding and patience to "deal" with me. It all just seems like a really long struggle to survive, force yourself up every day, work, pass out, repeat. What's is the point? I mean really.


I had feelings like that for the longest and still do at times. I lost the meaning of life and I thought I was going nuts. Its a little better now, you just have to find ways to distract yourself and get your mind off dp. Im still learning myself, but it seem like time I'm stressed out here it goes again, thoughts about the world and whats the purpose of living. I keep telling myself it will get better. All of this stems from anxiety and stress. Being in the house and being alone is the worst so you have to go out and be around people, do it everyday for 21 days. I'm in the process of doing it now. But it takes 21 days to create a habit, so do something different for 21 days and see if it will help. I'm on my 5th day and I can tell its helping.


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## Thunderlordcid (Feb 2, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I realized today that I've forgotten what the point of living is. Back before I had dp, I thought it was falling in love, getting married, having kids, getting a career, seeing the world, loving and laughing as much as possible. Now, I really see no point. I am divorced and honestly have no desire to even ever date anyone again. I'm convinced that no "normal" man without dp could understand what I deal with or have the understanding and patience to "deal" with me. It all just seems like a really long struggle to survive, force yourself up every day, work, pass out, repeat. What's is the point? I mean really.


You know, I think that everyone has a set of schemes that they have to deal with when they face DP or even anxiety. The "What's the point scheme?" really stuck out for me a while ago. You know, living with this can be a brutal process of getting up, forcing yourself to do whatever it is that you have to do, go home and sleep, rinse and repeat. I was honestly contemplating suicide for a while, why not just off myself sooner? I work at McDonald's currently, going to school too, and my bosses are really anal about having things clean. The floors, the tables, the trays, the ceilings, I mean EVERYTHING you can think of. Then my boss comes in and pulls me aside and calls me out for my shirt being dirty. It had been one of those days because it was one of those weeks and I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about so I hadn't been washing my shirt. My boss asks me "Why haven't you washed your shit any?" and me being smug replied
"What's the point, it's just going to get dirty again tomorrow." My boss just gave me the weirdest look on her face
"Honestly Travis, think about what you've said?" I did. If I never washed my shirt it would be atrocious. I don't know if you ever worked at a fastfood company, but they really smell. Especially with McRib season in.

But that made me think back to my "What's the point?" dilemma. In a way living life is like washing your shirt. Even though our shirt is raggedy and horrid, a metaphor towards living with depersonalization and whatever is bugging you, we should wash it or keep it clean, a metaphor towards getting up and living everyday, because no matter how you look at it right now all we have is that shirt. And even though our shirt is stupid and we wish we had a better one we don't so the only thing we can do is make the best out of it. And who knows, maybe one day we'll get a better shirt for keeping our's in good condition.

And when it comes to your certain situation I want to tell you that it can get better. Actually, in all honesty you don't know that it won't unless you have a time-machine, but if you do have a time-machine I hope you would patent it and make billions. And I know I don't have the experience to tell you otherwise, because I only have nineteen years of it, but from what I've learned already is that there's always hope for tomorrow even if it doesn't seem like it's coming.

Well I hope my weird metaphor helps, it made sense in my head.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

> But that made me think back to my "What's the point?" dilemma. In a way living life is like washing your shirt. Even though our shirt is raggedy and horrid, a metaphor towards living with depersonalization and whatever is bugging you, we should wash it or keep it clean, a metaphor towards getting up and living everyday, because no matter how you look at it right now all we have is that shirt. And even though our shirt is stupid and we wish we had a better one we don't so the only thing we can do is make the best out of it. And who knows, maybe one day we'll get a better shirt for keeping our's in good condition.


That is awesome. Definitely something good to think about.


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## Onibla (Nov 9, 2010)

When I felt like that I tried to ignore it and focus on small pleasures each day. For example I lived to the next day so I could read the next chapter in my book, smoke my morning cigarette with my friends, watch the next cliffhangar in whatever drama I was into at the time. I did these things even if I couldn't feel interested in them. It was hard at first, but because I forced myself to read the book, watch the program or have the conversation I slowly started becoming interested in them - I found myself wanting to know what happened next, how my friends feel about the lastest developements around the world. 
After a while I stopped noticing my DP/DR during those times, they had (over the course of months) become more interesting than the DP/DR thoughts. I started to apply this to other things and it got easier.
Finally the outside world became more interesting than the DP/DR, I started to not think about DP/DR 24/7. 
I never believed that I could enjoy reading a book again when I began trying this. Glad I was wrong.


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## Thunderlordcid (Feb 2, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> That is awesome. Definitely something good to think about.


Glad I could help some.


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## Angel_heaven (Jun 1, 2010)

The point is you are almost there Sarah!!! Hang in there you know the way out and I am sure of that. Stay strong and beat this I know you can. You are doing this for yourself and your kids! Thats the point!


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

Just because we don't "keep up with the Joneses"--having a husband, family, giggles and laughs all day, doesn't mean that we can't become wise in the process. I see the wisdom that comes out of this disorder as a "higher calling" in some respects than the normal, everyday stuff. I have a bumper sticker that reads: The Meaning of Life is to Live it. I find great wisdom in those words.


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

I know the feeling...I wonder what the point of even getting better is. I want to curl up and sleep and just sleep and sleep...whenever I see something comfortable for bedtime I want to buy it, like a pillow or pj's or something nice.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Been going through some of that, too, like when I think about how long I've had dp now.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

AWESOME metaphor. Whenever I will start to think "What's the point??" again, I will think of this. Thank you, this opened my eyes


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