# depersonalization/derealization making me suicidal



## mrmiagi219

it all started when i first tried marijuana at a party. marking the end of a stressful week of finals i decided to try pot for my first time; bad idea. i instantly fell into a horrible panic attack. i felt like i was dying, my memory kept lapsing every couple of seconds, it felt like i was being born over and over again, my life seemed super distant, i didn't recognize any of my friends who were with me, it was as if i was looking at them for the first time, i didn't recognize anything around me everything felt knew, my body was numb, my pulse was probably above 160, like i forgot who i was, and if i started doing something, like trying to look up what was wrong with me on the computer, i would forget what i would be doing over and over again, like id look at the keyboard and be like "what is this? what am i doing here" and start typing again and then my memory would lapse and itd happen again. flat out the scariest experience of my life. after i came down from the high the effects and the intense dp subsided all though through out the weekend i struggled with intense anxiety but eventually got over it. 3 weeks later i was riding the bus home contemplating existential things (i love philosophy) but then i started wondering what if everything wasn't real and then everything felt fake and i felt like reality was collapsing on me; enter my first derealization experience (aside from the marijuana induced one). i stayed in this state for a whole day, waking up the next day the same. eventually i went to the emergency room because i couldn't take it anymore but once i was there i calmed down because i felt safe and i was distracted and the dr went away. i was given ativan for the anxiety. the next couple of days i still struggled greatly with the dp taking the ativan to no avail. i stopped taking the ativan because it was giving me extreme memory loss. eventually my derealization reached a new level; dp. i started panicking over my own conciousness, not understanding why am ME. i jsut could not grasp it and i would delve further into this blackhole. at school people started worrying a lot because previously i was one of the most extroverted people, a rather popular person who got along with everyone. but alas the once happy talkative kid was now replaced with a kid who looked who hadn't slept for days and was always isolating himself and was super quiet. my teachers said i looked "worn out". they were right. the anxiety attacks from the dp/dr was taking a real toll on me, thrusting me into deep bouts of depression which brought along suicidal ideation. i lost interest in all the things that i used to like (sports, the gym, guitar, art ect). i would just sit on the couch all day and ruminate. i have started taking zoloft and almost 4 weeks later i no longer have panic attacks or extreme depression but i still suffer from the dp/dr if i focus on it. some days are good some days are bad, but as soon as i realize ive had dp i freak out and go down a vicious cycle. i get scared that ive lost myself, that im not "me" anymore, that my life will never be the same, ect ect. then i feel "what's the point of living if im always going to be like this?" and seroiulsy i really wonder that. i would like it if someone could please tell me that. thank you so much everyone


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## never_giving_up

mrmiagi219 said:


> it all started when i first tried marijuana at a party. marking the end of a stressful week of finals i decided to try pot for my first time; bad idea. i instantly fell into a horrible panic attack. i felt like i was dying, my memory kept lapsing every couple of seconds, it felt like i was being born over and over again, my life seemed super distant, i didn't recognize any of my friends who were with me, it was as if i was looking at them for the first time, i didn't recognize anything around me everything felt knew, my body was numb, my pulse was probably above 160, like i forgot who i was, and if i started doing something, like trying to look up what was wrong with me on the computer, i would forget what i would be doing over and over again, like id look at the keyboard and be like "what is this? what am i doing here" and start typing again and then my memory would lapse and itd happen again. flat out the scariest experience of my life. after i came down from the high the effects and the intense dp subsided all though through out the weekend i struggled with intense anxiety but eventually got over it. 3 weeks later i was riding the bus home contemplating existential things (i love philosophy) but then i started wondering what if everything wasn't real and then everything felt fake and i felt like reality was collapsing on me; enter my first derealization experience (aside from the marijuana induced one). i stayed in this state for a whole day, waking up the next day the same. eventually i went to the emergency room because i couldn't take it anymore but once i was there i calmed down because i felt safe and i was distracted and the dr went away. i was given ativan for the anxiety. the next couple of days i still struggled greatly with the dp taking the ativan to no avail. i stopped taking the ativan because it was giving me extreme memory loss. eventually my derealization reached a new level; dp. i started panicking over my own conciousness, not understanding why am ME. i jsut could not grasp it and i would delve further into this blackhole. at school people started worrying a lot because previously i was one of the most extroverted people, a rather popular person who got along with everyone. but alas the once happy talkative kid was now replaced with a kid who looked who hadn't slept for days and was always isolating himself and was super quiet. my teachers said i looked "worn out". they were right. the anxiety attacks from the dp/dr was taking a real toll on me, thrusting me into deep bouts of depression which brought along suicidal ideation. i lost interest in all the things that i used to like (sports, the gym, guitar, art ect). i would just sit on the couch all day and ruminate. i have started taking zoloft and almost 4 weeks later i no longer have panic attacks or extreme depression but i still suffer from the dp/dr if i focus on it. some days are good some days are bad, but as soon as i realize ive had dp i freak out and go down a vicious cycle. i get scared that ive lost myself, that im not "me" anymore, that my life will never be the same, ect ect. then i feel "what's the point of living if im always going to be like this?" and seroiulsy i really wonder that. i would like it if someone could please tell me that. thank you so much everyone


Hi and welcome to the forum









I'm sorry to hear of your experience. You're definitely in the right place because many of us here have had similar experiences, which have scared us greatly.

The suicidal thoughts you talk about, I think they are perfectly natural for what you have been through. Everything felt fine, suddenly the world around you has changed, suddenly you feel disconnected from yourself, nothing seems real and things don't seem to make sense like they used to. The feeling is unbearable. When will normality come back?!

I think suicidality in the face of this much uncertainty, pain and confusion is a good sign. Who wouldn't want to die contemplating the idea that the rest of their life might be absolute hell?

Firstly, I would say, well done for surviving the first bit. It's tough shit and you have huge amounts of respect from me for that.

Secondly, you're in a difficult position. Yes, your DP/DR may well go away suddenly and you may well feel more grounded. Chances are though that you are in the same boat as many of us here. What you have entered in to is a challenge. It's a difficult one for sure but once you overcome it you will be filled with a new appreciation for life.

For me, getting DP/DR has been interesting. For a while I didn't know what it was. I thought I had brain damage. Because mine was drug induced I felt extremely ashamed of myself for pretty much ruining my life. I realise now that what I experience is the result of a psychological reaction to trauma.

Since getting DP/DR I have had to look at my history in a completely different light. Before, I believed that everything was fine. After examining how I was I realised that I was actually in denial about how things really were. What I realised was that my DP/DR didn't just come out of nowhere. In fact, I realised that my whole life I had been a relative state of dissociation and that I was actually already prone to dissociating as a way of coping with stress.

And that's it. DP/DR is a way of coping with stress. If reality is too painful to deal with, your mind will make it unreal. How can anything be of danger to you if it's not even real?

Well, that's one theory. I'm open to being disproven but it's the thing that makes the most sense to me.

I guess my overall message here is to be aware of the possibility that this didn't come out of nowhere, that maybe there was already a propensity there to dissociate.

I'm going to add you, if you want to chat over skype just send me a message and I'll give you my skype name.

All the best


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## Patrick Petitjean

Personally, I wouldn't take SSRI's or anything doctors prescribe. St.Johns Wort works in the same way inhibiting the release of serotonin, thus, increasing it. Unfortunately, only your diet can offer the amount of serotonin but due to many nutrients competing, its less likely to store as much as you'd like it to. For that reason, 5-HTP would be a better alternative. Since you are more conscious now, you should overcome this belief that you were once very social and outgoing. Start to view things in a different way which will make you appreciate things more. The worst thing you can do is allow it to take hold of you. Clearly, you feel calm around doctors or in an environment where they can provide answers and support. Since almost every illness has identical symptoms, you'll only be told that the blood test and CT scan of the brain seem to be normal. They'll prescribe you SSRI's, SNRI's, Psychotic and bipolar related medications because it will give you some relief knowing that they'll help you. It's no different than a placebo pill and only a diet can provide your body with the adequate nutrients to give your mind and body the fuel it needs to function properly. Be more conscious as to what you eat and how you made it. Look online for healthy alternatives and know that though you may feel depersonalized, at least you have the will power and self discipline to overcome anything which can be, potentially, harmful.


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## StellaBella08

I'm still hoping this feeling will go away on it's own. I have took antidepressants, any luck with those?


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## flipwilson

I did and still sometimes get these types of thoughts or urges even after 4 years. Probably didn't want to hear that but it's the truth. The trick is to treat them like any other symptom because that's all they are. When you find yourself thinking about ending it all you must realize that this is just like anxiety or feeling empty or having visual problems, its just one more symptom of DP. Once you are able to shrug it off a bit and just say "oh I'm thinking this way now" the suicidal thoughts will lose their power. None of us truly want to die, if we did we would be dead, end of story. Suicidal thoughts are the brains way of yelling for help, and we obviously all need it with this condition. One day at a time.


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