# Why Aren't I?



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

I can truthfully say that my dissociation/DP/DR has been the WORST these past two days. I have had DP/DR since Feb 8, 2010. I didn't take my meds for the past 3 days. Yet...I really wonder...why the FUCK have I not been freaking out at all? Why have I not been pulling out my hair and screaming in terror? Why? Why is my dissociation so bad...yet...I'm not reacting to it in any way?. Why am I letting myself die? Why am I letting myself float further away from reality and consciousness? Why? Why? Why?

Actually let me rephrase that whole entire thing.

I WANT to scream...I want to pull out my hair...I want to kick and yell and tear and rip and howl....but I can't. WHYYYYYYYYY???????


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I TOTALLY relate to this. I've often noticed when I have just horrible sensations that I don't even begin to panic. I think it's just the testament to the fact that we've learned not to fear how we feel. Dp has conditioned us to have control over ourselves. I think it's actually a good thing.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

ValleyGirl said:


> I TOTALLY relate to this. I've often noticed when I have just horrible sensations that I don't even begin to panic. I think it's just the testament to the fact that we've learned not to fear how we feel. Dp has conditioned us to have control over ourselves. I think it's actually a good thing.


Because I tend to see things in black or white terms or think in extremes I wonder....

Which one is better? Being emotionally reactive or being numb or ''deactivated'' as I'd like to put it.

Right now, I think being emotionally reactive is healthier of the two.


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## TheGame (Feb 1, 2011)

Its basically you on hyperalert because your not on your meds. You have somehow prepared to be totally freaked out and now your expecting it to be even more hellish than without the meds. Its actually quite logical. so your doing good without meds...thats a good one!


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Aren't you not freaking out because of the emotional dissociation?


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## yesyes (Oct 19, 2008)

insaticiable:
what triggered your dpdr one year ago?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

never_giving_up said:


> Aren't you not freaking out because of the emotional dissociation?


I don't know what it's because of...emotional disconnection, emotional deadness, numbness...

I just feel like sometimes I have the urge to scream bloody murder, and I just can't. I stand there still, overcome by feelings of terror and agitation, yet, I can no longer act upon those feelings.

What do you call that?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

yesyes said:


> insaticiable:
> what triggered your dpdr one year ago?


Uhm, I'm not entirely sure. I just feel like I woke up one morning and everything seemed ''off'' and I went into a week-long panic attack.

But if I could pinpoint a trigger...it might have been because of the severe anxiety caused by my OCD rituals. I tried to expose myself to my ultimate fears for one week straight and conquering them. Then a week later, a bad depression set in. Like a week before everything began looking ''off''...one night I felt this emotional deadness. I kept telling my dad..."I feel like i have died inside." That was probably the catalyst.

I also suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and know that DP/DR can occur with this particular disorder.

So now...a year later...I am kind of still dumbfounded. Was it because of the severe anxiety caused by the OCD or the Borderline Personality issues? Or both?


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> I don't know what it's because of...emotional disconnection, emotional deadness, numbness...
> 
> I just feel like sometimes I have the urge to scream bloody murder, and I just can't. I stand there still, overcome by feelings of terror and agitation, yet, I can no longer act upon those feelings.
> 
> What do you call that?


For me, my biggest barrier to expressing emotions is shame. I'm not talking good shame, I'm talking the toxic kind that slowly kills you. If we were brought up to think of parts of ourselves as intrinsically bad, then it kind of puts a plug in the works. Since getting dp, I have tried to be real with myself more than I ever have, which is good, but it means I have become aware of just how emotionally crippled I was before the dp even started.

It's tempting to think that everything was perfect before the dp started and that it all started spontaneously. I kind of see it now that everything that happened to me throughout my life led up to me developing dp. Sure I can say around the time when the symptoms began, but really, it started a long time before that.

I guess that accepting the fact that you weren't actually really happy before the dp symptoms started is in a way kind of liberating.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

never_giving_up said:


> I*t's tempting to think that everything was perfect before the dp started and that it all started spontaneously.* I kind of see it now that everything that happened to me throughout my life led up to me developing dp. Sure I can say around the time when the symptoms began, but really, it started a long time before that.
> 
> *I guess that accepting the fact that you weren't actually really happy before the dp symptoms started is in a way kind of liberating.*


Oh, I whole heartedly agree. My life crumbled to pieces in late December 2008. When 2009 rolled around, I had really hit rock bottom. My living situation completely flipped. No, my life was certainly not perfect before DP/DR started. It was shit. So I think...it had probably set the stage for developing this monster disorder nearly a year later.

But I can also say for sure that I never experienced DP/DR symptoms prior to February, 2010. This...this thing...was on a whole different caliber of existence that seemed to hit me.

Accepting the fact that I wasn't really happy before the dp symptoms started is liberating in a way...but it also poses the question: Well what am I going to do about it now? Certainly it will not prove to be effective to sit & dwell on the past (which God only knows how much ive done), but rather think of long-term solutions.

What do you think?


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Oh, I whole heartedly agree. My life crumbled to pieces in late December 2008. When 2009 rolled around, I had really hit rock bottom. My living situation completely flipped. No, my life was certainly not perfect before DP/DR started. It was shit. So I think...it had probably set the stage for developing this monster disorder nearly a year later.
> 
> But I can also say for sure that I never experienced DP/DR symptoms prior to February, 2010. This...this thing...was on a whole different caliber of existence that seemed to hit me.
> 
> ...


I guess for me I was really badly in denial before. Since really hitting rock bottom with dp, the illusions have been dissolved somewhat. I know it's weird for me to say this considering the fact that a large part of dp is experiencing unreality, but I guess stuff that is affected on a purely perceptual level like that can never influence what you truly believe about reality. Like, no matter how much I think people look artificial at times, I will never seriously entertain the possibility that they're not real. So I guess dp has made me work on taking a step back, looking at reality from more of a principled perspective. Like, despite how strongly I feel that things are such and such a way, it doesn't mean that they are. Which has made me dig deeper to see where my perception is being influenced (for example, past traumas).

I guess when you ask, 'what are we to do?' I think in a way just thinking about how the events of the past unfolded to where we are right now, it has an impact on our self-concept. The idea that you can look back with understanding and really feel that there has been a constant self for all that time. A part of you that despite all the fucked upness, is still in tact, is still sane and knows what's true. I like to think of this as the true self.

For me, I have been really focusing recently on acceptance as the most important part of change. If I can recognise where I'm at, what I like / dislike, then the only thing that is limiting my change is me. The sky is the limit. This means using everything that's available to me. Being real with people, being real with my feelings. Accepting my disowned parts, appreciating the ones that have helped me survive, those little voices that have kept me going no matter how horrible things have been.

Basically, from here, it's about focusing on what you want and being realistic about how you're going to get there. If there's a part of you that says, 'it's impossible' then work with that. Ask that part for evidence, see where it's coming from. A lot of the time you will find that you put limits on yourself as a way of protecting yourself from pain. This could be manifested as a fear of success. The idea of getting a job that you think you're unworthy of and then self-sabotaging your career because it triggers too much anxiety. You might notice that a thing like this is intrinsically connected to your self-concept, your sense of self-worth. I really do think that by simply reexamining who you are and accepting yourself absolutely is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself.

A lot of times in the past I have thought, 'ok, need to accept myself.' I would try and force myself to accept myself, completely denying the fact that there was resistance to doing it. The reality is, that to accept myself is to accept that I have resistance to accepting who I am. THAT is real acceptance. Maybe acceptance might even be admitting that a part of you is actually unsure what acceptance is. It's such a simple yet difficult to grasp concept and I still struggle with it. I took it upon myself to write the word "acceptance" down on a sheet of paper and stuck it on my wall. Now I am reminded every day.

Hope this ramble fest has helped


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