# How to get a Platinum record with Depersionalization



## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

I think this is an open letter to the recently depersonalized people or people trapped in how it makes one think and feel. It has an advice column tone because of how long I have been depersonalized. I am a veteran.

Approximately 2% of the population experiences some form of Depersonalization. Apparently that?s the same percentage as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
Depersonalized people look and sound normal. We are going to have to make some noise to get more attention from the medical research community.
Imagine, some reasearcher could discover what the "self" or the "soul" is. It would be an historical event.
What I have to say may have been said many times on this forum ? I don?t know. I am new.
In the past looking up depersonalization on the web made me drop into depression.
But now I just have to share with people like me.

I have been what is called ?Profoundly Depersonalized? since I was 14. 
I am now 45.
Just about every morbid symptom one could name I have. Time distortion, things moving in a jerky fashion, the world looking like a 2D picture, diminished ability to visualize???
Since becoming depersonalized, I have made it through high school, gone to university, learned to play guitar base and drums, written hundreds of songs, joined a band and got 2 gold and 2 platinum records for songs that I have written, gone from a construction laborer to a house designer, married and had 2 amazing kids.
My point is, depersonalization is bad but it does not have to take you down.

I woke up one day and was totally depersonalized. I thought I had died and gone to hell. I decided that hell was dieing and knowing it and feeling it and watching it ? depersonalization.
I decided that the only way to figure this situation out was to kill myself. If I died then I was not in hell, and hopefully I would go to a better place. Anything was better than the state I was in. If I did not die then I was in hell and would spend eternity trying to kill myself in imaginative and new ways. Maybe get sucked up into a jet engine or sneak up under a rocket engine just before launch or tie an anvil around my neck and jump into the sea and find out what the devil would do with me there. Just leave me there forever I suppose.

I guess I chickened out.

Instead, I decided that I was going to kick the devils ass. Poke him in the eye and enjoy myself in hell.
I never was able to convince myself that I was not in hell but I was going to make the most of it. 
So, I looked at the stranger in the mirror(me), cracked a fake smile and said with the voice I no longer recognized ?enough?. With total resolve I set out to beat the devil. 
In many ways I have.
I never got professional help when I was young, so, I framed my situation in mystical terms (like being in hell) not scientific terms. 10 years later it became scientific when I was diagnosed with depersonalization. Like so many of us just knowing there was a word for it was a great (temporary) relief.
Finally, at the age of 24, I was convinced that I was not dead and in hell. I was now fighting a disorder, not the devil.

In these last 21 years I have been all over the map. Depressed, self loathing, hedonistic, reckless, genuine, fake, suicidal (with a plan), angry, happy, in love, unable to love, almost catatonic, exhilarated, board, super confident, so lacking in confidence I could not speak, playing music for thousands, unable to leave the house or get on a bus, at emergency rooms at least 6 times with acute anxiety, hospitalized twice for a week, in jail (only one night D&D), an alcoholic, a drug addict, a nice guy and a misanthropic self indulgent total shit.

I am going to indulge myself again and put down how I feel about depersonalization and what I did to rise a bit above it.

First, there is nothing good about being depersonalized.
It is not some evolutionary mechanism to protect you from something or some feelings as much as getting brain cancer and dieing is a way of protecting you from life. For most of us we went from normal hurts and worries to being dropped into a world of total panic, depression and confusion. Some protection.
As far as I am concerned it is a chemical screw up in the brain that can happen after a traumatic incident, using drugs or just out of the blue. Anyway, you are worse off depersonalized than not. I think ?protection? is an arrogant and ignorant theory postulated by people who have not experienced depersonalization. It?s like ?I will protect you from that bully by removing your arms and legs?.

Looking inwards for too long is the wrong thing to do.
Depersonalization makes one extremely introspective and self examining. You just end up thinking about what you are thinking and thinking about what you are doing and thinking about how you feel or do not feel. You get bogged down. Introspection is a natural consequence of being depersonalized. However, all you find is a broken mind, emptiness and you just can?t behave in a free and unselfconscious way. Eventually you must look out and not all inward.

Most depersonalization is not a ?feeling? in itself. 
Depersonalization is an absence of feelings that you used to have. It is the loss of the way you experienced reality in the past. It is the difference between now and then. The idea that you have entered into ?a different mental state? is pabulum. It is a diminished version of the state that you have always been in. Depersonalization has no ?active ingredient? like hearing voices or seeing visions that would be totally debilitating and one could not over come without drugs. Depersonalization is an ?event? that happens but does not keep happening. It is loss and the associated feelings that the event causes. It?s like losing a child (I think it is as profound as that). It boils down to loss. The event is over, but the associated feelings continue. With depersonalization your sense of ?self? is gone ? that?s the loss.
I would stress ?sense? because it is still there we are just not in touch with it. It?s become an invisible hand. Your basic circuitry is still in tact. The point is depersonalization can be put aside for a while so that you can get your life on some track. It is not actively attacking you. You are still you, it just seems like you are not.

Only some of your feelings have been diminished. 
If you are also depressed and terrified, that will squelch almost all of your feelings. Drinking and taking drugs to ?medicate? your self makes depersonalization worse as well. You become almost nothing unless you are drunk or high. 
If you are depersonalized stay clear of pot. If you smell it, run. It will mess you up good. If you think depersonalization is bad try it high on pot. Words can not explain the anguish it brings on with me. It's the hell inside of hell. 
So, get rid of the depression and panic and some feelings drift back.

You can remake yourself if you are depersonalized. 
You can be remade as a depersonalized person. I think you have to re-engage in life with all of your strength. It is admittedly a diminished ?you? that returns. Some feelings may have gone but your intellect remains in tact ? that?s the tortuous aspect of depersonalization. If we had all become retarded at the same time as depersonalized then it would not hurt so much.
In other words, you know that you are still alive; you know that you care about your family members; you know you care about the state of the world and things like making love. You would still jump in front of a bus to save your child or sister. You have not become a nothing.

You know that the stranger in the mirror is ?you?.
So, gather up all of your resolve, courage and strength. Look at the stranger in the mirror, put on a fake feeling smile and go for it! You will care and love and feel again. The new ?you? slips in through the back door and you feel a little bit whole again. Enough to make life worth living.

Break through the fog. Be extreme. Dance like a possessed fool. Be as funny as you can. Take up public speaking. Challenge yourself.

The fastest rout out of the fog of depersonalization ? in my experience - is to help people who are in a worse way than yourself. Go help people with schizophrenia, severe depression, brain injuries, feed the starving, read to the newly blind, look after children with cancer ? anything. It sure gives one a new prospective and you feel good. You can feel good!

A few more things that I believe.

- Never forget that, for some, depersonalization just goes away and it may for you. Hope is good. False hope makes things worse.
- (this may apply only to me) Prolonged psychotherapy will make things worse. You can?t talk your way out of this. It is support that you need. Having a depersonalized friend would have helped me more than the psychotherapy that made me suicidal (again) in my 20?s.
- If your medical professional does not know about depersonalization as a primary condition then print a bunch of stuff off the internet and take it in with you. Most psychiatrists think you are making things up and exaggerating feelings that everyone has. I think that?s because we look and sound normal and the vocabulary to describe what you are going through is similar to what everyone uses to describe how they feel occasionally. Also, they may think it is a byproduct of bipolar or schizophrenia. If they don?t believe you then find someone else. Don?t waste too much time educating and arguing with your physiatrist 
- Don?t let your shrink make a guinea pig out of you and experiment with drugs to cure your depersonalization. That?s hubris. There are many doctors who suffer from hubris - beware. At the moment there is no known cure for depersonalization. 
- Take medication for the anxiety and depression. There are on going trials and attempts to cure this thing by experts who know what they are doing - I think?. If your doctor has a hunch that he can cure depersonalization in some way he or she can take it up with them. Prescribing false hope medications and therapies are crippling. It just delays the hard work ahead of you. 
- Exercise like mad. I was surprised how much this helped
- You can?t beat depersonalization. You can beat how it makes you feel. If you face it head on with the help of a professional who has some understanding of what you are going through, the fear and depression are diminished considerably
- Don?t be ashamed. Get out and demand help. Demand help for all of us.
- Nobody, no matter how smart or intuitive they are knows that I am ?Profoundly Depersonalized? or that I have anything wrong with me at all. Put on your game face. Engage in life and at least you will seem normal to others. It helps.

Boy I feel good now. Imagine that, depersonalized and feeling good.
I have been holding in a lot of stuff for many years. 
Even my shrink gets agitated when I say what I honestly feel. 
I think it makes him powerless to help. He hates that.

Other views are welcome.

If anyone thinks I am being reckless or saying irresponsible things please let me know.

Mark


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

hey mark, let me be the first to welcome you. that was an amazing post. wow 31 years with dp? i couldnt imagine having it that long, youve got amazing willpower. and just a heads up look out for mission possible and MrMister they are dicks.


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

yeah maybe i am ... but im better educated and a more empathic person than you will ever be antisocial...

hows the kappa tracksuit ?


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

MrMister said:


> yeah maybe i am ... but im better educated and a more empathic person than you will ever be antisocial...
> 
> hows the kappa tracksuit ?


whats a kappa tracksuit? and mandont take it so hard you said some things to me that day that really pissed me off but that was a whilke ago


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

"mandont take it so hard you said some things to me that day that really pissed me off but that was a whilke ago"

yeah i piss myself off sometimes with the things i say, (esp the day after half a bottle of vodka 

glad its all in the past


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## AntiSocial (Jul 12, 2008)

yeha man glad we could bury the hatchet


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## tobealive (Aug 20, 2009)

I just saw your post and I wanted to thank you for your story and insight. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard. And long.

I haven't posted my story yet. But I will. I'm 37 and I've had DP for 5 years (chronically)...more on that later...

All I can say is that it's beyond comforting to hear someone else with DP explain how it IS. I have been at a loss for words and for me, that is frustrating, infuriating and deeply heart-breaking. It seems self-indulgent to say it's a loss, and yet that IS what it is. A GREAT sense of loss. You wrote about it so perfectly. Thank you for articulating so well, for those of us with DP who can relate and yet, cannot find the words to describe it and help others understand it. I am sincerely grateful.

(sincere face emodicon, for reals)
stephanie
...i'll post more about my story and recent insight as well...


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## ilieforonlyyou (Aug 26, 2009)

Out of curiosity, what band are you in?

Inspiration post btw. I refuse to be a prisoner to this disorder as well, I hope in 20 yrs I can write a similar post.


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## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

I was in a band called The Headstones.
Not a very good one.
I left after the first album.
m


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