# You're Going to Want to Hear What I Have to Say



## patrickcolleton (Nov 1, 2007)

Hello,

My name is Patrick. I'm a 23 year old college student living in New Jersey. I believe a description of my experience with depersonalization will be valuable to others who suffer from this disorder. To put it simply: I've found a way out.

One day, when I was about 3 or 4, everything suddenly felt far away. I could not feel my body as much, my balance was slightly off. My hearing and vision became less sharp somehow, but not in such a way that it showed up on any test. Most of all, nothing felt real.

My life since then has been marked by dysfunction. I've failed out of schools, lost jobs. I have been a clinical depressive and constantly anxious. I was diagnosed as having ADHD and being emotionally disturbed soon after I became ?cut off.? But all of that's bullshit.

I began to doubt that my memory of my childhood awareness was accurate. Was I just romanticizing a better time? No. About a year ago, I started taking Wellbutrin, which has been a miracle drug for me. I didn't sleep during the day anymore, tasks were easier to organize, I began to sleep and eat regularly. But most importantly, I was enabled to begin and maintain a regular Anapanasati or "breath meditation" practice. As I tried to meditate, I found that I carried with me ungodly amounts of tension and stress, so much so that it was hard to breathe. What I want to emphasize here is that for all of my life until this point, I was totally numb and unaware of this tension, a point which I will return to later. Slowly, meditation made me more aware of my body, and I began to loosen the tension that I carried in my shoulders, my abdomen, in my throat, in my jaw, in my lower back, in my chest, in the muscles of my rib cage. The list could continue for a while, the point is that my entire body was held rigid almost all of the time, even while I slept.

The Wellbutrin itself only made me more industrious, not less anxious or depressed. But as I made relaxation more and more of habit, my anxiety level and stress level began dropping. It quickly became apparent to me that I literally NEVER in my life had dropped below a certain high threshhold of anxiety and tension, as I said even when I was sleeping. I was experiencing partial relaxation for the first time.

One night, about six or so months after I had begun taking Wellbutrin and regularly meditating, I was driving home late at night with a friend. It had been a good day spent with friends and I was particularly relaxed. All of a sudden, something about the car in front of me changed. I finally figured out what I was seeing, it looked as I remember seeing things when I was 3 or 4. What about it had changed? Suddenly, I realized that I was seeing a single, 3d image. During most of my life, I could distinguish between the image my right and left eyes were independently seeing. I have 20/20 vision and am not crossed eye, nor did this problem ever show up on a test, but I could tell the difference. The car went in and out of phase before finally stabilizing as a properly integrated 3d image. A pressure began to build on the back of my head, a soothing warmth that expanded. When I got home perhaps half an hour later, the pressure had intensified, not becoming in any way painful. Suddenly, as I was sitting on my couch, the room became dead quiet. What had happened? A faint ringing in my ears that had been there for 20 years faded within a minute. (that ringing never showed up on a test either). My body began to heat up, tingling as if I had just come in from the cold after being numb. The tingling subsided and my skin was suddenly so much more sensitive, as it was when I was a child. I got up, something else happened. My balance was improved, as it was when I was a child. I walked into my bedroom, it felt like I was floating over the floor it was so easy to move. A knot in my chest, which has been there as long as I can remember, suddenly released. The knot was so familiar that its loosening was somewhat disconcerting. I could breathe easily. I started to recall the events of the day; I could remember a song I heard performed clearly, images vividly. No, I hadn't been remembering wrong; what I remember from being a little boy was real. The emotions I have felt for much of my life have been very dull, even at joyous occasions. But then the feelings I rembered returned, the feelings I thought long gone. A happiness so strong it hurts, ecstasy. The thrill of a victorious soldier and the serenity of a baby held by its mother simultaneously. I would not describe the emotion as ?really good? so much as boundless bottomless, a joy that undoes every wrong ever committed. It resembles descriptions of religious experiences, but I felt that way all the time as a little boy. Keep in mind that I was just quietly sitting on my couch.

At this point, though, the feeling of unreality which I had felt uninterrupted almost all my life began to fade and I was terrified. It was the feeling of waking up somewhere unfamiliar not knowing how you got there. What was happening around me was real?! Let me just add that I do not drink, use drugs or have any history of psychosis. I panicked and put my head under my pillow, hoping the numbness would return. It did. I woke up the next morning and everything was how I remembered it for the last 20 years. But the cat was out of the bag.

That was over the summer and I have not yet been able to induce that transformation again. However, I'm getting closer and closer. More and more frequently, I feel that pressure on the back of my head. My hearing and vision are occasionally improved. I have continued to meditate and continued to remove layer upon layer of stress, physical tension and anxiety. And after peeling each layer, I can feel the block thinning more and more. I stumbled across the way Home, now I just have to find it intentionally.

So how does this apply to you? Well, the Depersonalization and Derealization that I have experienced for much of my life is particularly bad and particularly long. Perhaps what causes others' DP/DR is different that what has held mine in place these last two decades, but from reading others' accounts, I have a feeling there are a lot of people like me. I go to a therapist and she, despite being competent and well intentioned, has been of no help. The reading I have done on the subject leads me to believe that these disorders are not very well understood. I'm not a doctor, but I'm going to go out on a limb and make a guess as to the nature of DP/DR. I think that these disorders are responses to extreme stress that disrupt a person's breathing, causes him or her to become constantly tense (but very subtly) and probably interferes with circulation and thus blood flow to the brain.

My sense is also, that the physiological symptoms of DP are so subtle as to avoid notice from doctors, or indeed, the person themselves. What was interesting to find out through my own experience is how much of a physical rather than psychological problem it seems to be. The more emotionally well I am on a given day, the easier it is to relax, true. But even if I'm really distressed, if I can consciously relax those fifty or so muscles that I have found to be tense most of the time, the Depersonalization starts to fade slightly.

So my suggestion to others is to pay close attention to your minds and bodies. Pay attention to your breathing? Are you breathing shallowly? Fast? Holding your breath without realizing it? Is there a correlation between an acceleration in breathing and a worsening of DP? Is there tension in your abdomen? At the base your skull? In your throat? Do certain thoughts exacerbate the issue? If so, don't think those thoughts. When DP is particularly bad, see if anything is different in your thoughts or body that aren't there when DP is less severe.

As I said, my personal experience tells me DP is a stress response that is held in place continuously but a set of very subtle learned behaviors. And if you can pay close enough attention to find and unlearn those behaviors, DP will fade very quickly (as it did for me that night).

Patrick Colleton


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## Strange_Visitor (Apr 18, 2008)

Well, given the title of your post I was unsure as to whether I really wanted to hear what you had to say, but I did read it and it made a lot of sense to me. I can empathise fully with your experience.

As my DR appeared at the same time as anxiety disorder (30 years ago) I do think the 2 are intrinsically linked.

I also believe that even when you think you're stress-free and relaxed, you rarely are because you have got used to a certain level of anxiety and physical tension, so much so it has become your resting state. Only deep relaxation or meditation can bring you true relaxation (if it's done correctly).

In 30 years I've only had a couple of instances when my "old reality" returned, and that was only for a few seconds each time.


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## markg990 (Apr 19, 2008)

hello

i also can completely understand everything you are saying.
i actually noticed, since my dp/dr started 3 and a half, almost 4 monthes ago, that sometimes when its really bad, i notice a tight burning pain in my chest, right in the middle, you know, the part that goes in a little.

Also, about 3 or 4, maybe 5 times in the past few monthes, i have had a split second of this "old reality". every time, it has encouraged me greatly, but even later that night i seem to forget and go right back to my destructive thinking...

i am only 15 years old, and i really really hope that sometime soon i can get over this, and i swear if i do, i will help as much as i can to help out others with this condition. Over the past few months i have gained so much sympathy and empathy for people with conditions like these.

When it first hit, i actually wondered if maybe it was meant to happen to me, so i would become less ignorant, and more aware and respectful of these things.
i was always a really sensitive, emotional, and nice person, but occationally i would say ignornant things and make dumb statements about people, but since i've had this, i have been extremely tolerant of everyone, and have been completely against any sort of things that hurt anyone's feelings.

if it helps, i have noticed a few things...
because we cant really feel, our thoughts take over way too much, our thoughts become destructive and further cause our suffering, like an endless cycle.
this is kind of like when you take away a sense, others become stronger. When your sight is gone, you hear better.

i really want to help myself, and others, to find ways to get over this
it really scares me when i see that many people on this website have had dp/dr for like 10 years, 20 years, even 30, as i am only 15,
and haven't even had it for four full monthes.

i dont know, some other things that may help, just connections i guess:
i used to smoke pot, the summer before 9th grade, into the winter of 9th grade. From then on i only smoked once every few monthes. 
From when i started smoking i always had little moments of DR, like once a month or two.

My DP/DR ultimately kicked on January 1st, after a night of smoking a lot more marijuana than i was used to.
a few days before, i had also started having doubts in a relationship with my girlfriend, think what you want, i am only 15,
but yes i was in love. We were in love and i know that for a fact. She also was starting to have doubts but i didn't know this at the time.
So on january 1st, i felt like crap, i thought it was just typical being burnt out from smoking (which i know realize is the same feeling as dp/dr.
When this crap feeling didn't go away, i knew something was wrong.
also a few days later, my girlfriend and i broke up, which obviously made me feel even worse.

Although i am pretty sure the smoking didn't "cause" my DP/DR, i think it helped set it off.
I am pretty sure my break-up caused it.

It is still with me, and i really hope, honestly with all of my heart and soul, that I, along with anyone suffering from this, can find my/their way back to feeling normal.


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## noneofya (Apr 6, 2009)

has to be one of the most emotional stories ive heard on this site and really connected alot of it to my own experiences. Just reading about that pure utter glee you felt when waking up...ive experienced that a couple of times lately and it is an experience that words cannot describe. For me when i wake up somewhat ,all my eyes witness is beauty...so much color, so much life. definetly euphoric.

i cant even imagine having this as long as you did. Im 19 and ive had dp/dr since i was 13..(6 years) and it seems like a lifetime has gone by and ive had nothing to do with any of it.

one thing i can definetly connect on is the fact that you feared your present reality,unsure of the new feelings that would go with being awake in a world new and unfamiliar.that you yourself did not create. I fear that real reality all the time but i know that i have to wake up...i owe it to my true self , my freinds, and my family. Remember...YOUR STILL YOUNG and you are an extrordinarily intelligant guy. You can figure a way out of this. Lately ive been taking vitamins and theyve been REALLY helping. ive been taking: VITAMIN B COMPLEX 100 MG, A MULTIVITAMIN AND A PILL OF CALCIUM 1000 MG , MAGNESIUM 400 MG, AND ZINC 15 MG.....

remember that ALOT of people with our problem lack sufficiant vitamins such as calcium and magnesium so try the vitamins furshure....GOOD LUCK


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## Chillwynston (Apr 3, 2009)

Great post, I felt amazing reading it!! haha...

I think that when you are a child you see the world from pure eyes, everything is new and colourful and on a personal opinion it is all a little jaded as you age, ironically because of reality!

I would give anything to digress back to that state where everything is new and colourful!

I wonder what happened in your brain as you were coming back to 3d land!!?


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## DRyan (Jan 19, 2008)

I'm not going to read this whole thing yet, Im trying not to start my days by reading about DP/DR to fuel my obsession  but I saw this and wanted to say:

The stuff that starts earliest before we can trust our own frame of reference (only 3-4 years of life wow) is the hardest to understand and find. Too many things to questions... too many things to figure out... such fundamental behaviors/feelings are really really hard to identify (im just getting past this step) and it seems like they are pretty hard to get rid of after years of indulgence in them. I'm just glad to see someone else that not only understands what I've been trying to explain to others, but (hopefully, according to what I've read) has learned to overcome these things.

I'll comment further when I read the rest. I hope its good.


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