# Beginning to See the Light



## Sixty-Six (Oct 15, 2014)

Hello!

My name is Danny, I'm twenty-two years old, and I'm a guitarist from England. It's been about 5 months since my time with depersonalization started, and maybe three months since I found this wonderful forum. I can't tell you how much some of the good vibes, coping techniques and general positivity have helped steer me through this weird experience.

Like a lot of you, I washed up here through heavy weed-smoking, which eventually led to panic attacks and chronic anxiety. At first (maybe also like you) I thought I'd melted my mind with drugs, and probably broken something irreparable inside my head. However, I understand now that it wasn't the evil weed messing my mind or any of that anti-drug claptrap; I took mind-altering substances to cope with my repressed childhood trauma and self-image issues, and accidentally caused those same issues to surface in the process. Now, here I am. Yay!

You've probably come here wanting to know how far I've recovered, and what I've done to make it happen. I've spent my fair share of time desperately searching this forum for those same answers, and I feel like now is the time to give back, so here goes:

*Preface:** You Are Not Insane!*

You're not insane, you're not going insane, and - though I *do not recommend this* - even if you smoked a blunt the size of Kansas right now (I'm English, but that's pretty big, right?) you wouldn't go insane.

I was afraid of this, too. For me, schizophrenia was the big fear: my mum was a paranoid schizophrenic (who, incidentally, committed suicide about two months after I got DP'ed - this did not help). I was convinced that I'd somehow 'inherited' the condition, and then triggered it with marijuana. Ever since being a kid, I've had the thought at the back of my head: "What if it happens to me, too?" Since DP, those thoughts transformed into, "This is it; I'm losing my mind!"

*I am here to tell you, with first hand experience of schizophrenia, that those thoughts are bullshit.*

Just by recognizing these thoughts you're having as abnormal, you are ruling out schizophrenia as a possibility. No matter how much you've read about the condition, or how deeply you've convinced yourself you might have it - you are definitely wrong. Not probably, definitely. I won't describe what schizophrenia is like, because that won't help you. I can, however, tell you that it never once occured to my mum that she was insane during her psychotic episodes. People were out to kill her, invisible thought rays were poisoning her mind - yes - but was she crazy? Absolutely not.

So relax, you're not nuts - and, if you were, you wouldn't have the wherewithal to worry about it. You are experiencing a normal (yes, normal) and surprisingly common response to some kind of mental anguish. It is one of the bastard ironies of our condition that we are prone to catastrophize about our sense of 'illness', and this only exacerbates the problem: "I feel a bit unusual" quickly becomes "I will never be normal again". Again, chill out; you will be normal, and you will re-experience all the things you currently miss about life.

Now that we've cleared that up, here are my tips for getting better:

*1. Relentless Positivity*

This really is number one. No matter how bad you feel - and I know DP/DR is hell on Earth - you *have* to remain positive. However fake it feels, however little you can connect with the belief at this moment, keep on telling yourself that this is temporary, ordinary and totally harmless. Yes, you might feel like a space alien transplanted into your own body - this is bad. But DP/DR absolutely, categorically cannot harm you, or force you to do anything you don't want to do. Try your best not to waste any more of your precious, beautiful life on hopeless, fearful thoughts about not getting better, or about how unfair it is that millions of other people can get high without going through this shit. You might be right - it's not fair - but that thought isn't helping you recover. Identifying what these unhelpful thoughts are, and working to take away their power, is a crucial step. If you're experiencing what I went through a few months ago, most of your thoughts fit into this unhelpful pattern. What we're going to try and do is break that pattern, little by little.

Now, I know you can't control having at least some of these negative thoughts - neither can I, and neither can anyone else - but we can control our reaction to them. My method is simple, but takes practice: treat these thoughts passively, in the same way you'd treat a random thought about eggs, or the weather. Then, introduce a positive and opposing thought, which we know to be true. An example:

Unhelpful thought: "I will never get better."

Positive replacement (which we know to be true): "I am going to get better, it's just going to take a while".

Notice that this is in contrast to a positive thought like, "I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine" - I think you can probably see why, although outwardly positive, this thought is still unhelpful.

Again, I can't stress enough how much thinking positively about things generally, not only recovering, will help you. Instead of thinking, "Why bother going out; DP would only ruin it for me," kick that unhelpful fucker of a thought to the curb and think, "I am going to go out for a walk, and enjoy it, because fuck giving in to self-doubt." In the first scenario, you are giving your depersonalization the control - you are subconsciously reinforcing the idea that it has some kind of power over you. In the second scenario, you have the power, you are in control of your life, and - most importantly - depersonalization has no power over you at all. It is reduced to a feeling, and not a very important one at that.

*2. Stop Obsessing*

For me, this is probably the hardest part, but I understand how integral it has been - and will continue to be - to my recovery. Obviously, if I had totally stopped giving DP the time of day, I wouldn't be here writing a colossal essay on overcoming it, but I've made big progress since I learned to let it go occasionally.

The advice is simple enough: Do absolutely anything you want, so long as it has nothing to do with depersonalization. There is a time and a place for thinking about DP, and it's when you're seeking some help with coping, when you're seeing your doctor or therapist, or when you're coming back here to tell everyone how you're kicking your DP's ass. That's it. Times not to be thinking about it include: while out with friends, while reading a book, and while masturbating (unless you don't do that, in which case substitute whatever you spend all your free time on).

You hear people everywhere around here say: "Distraction is key". These people are totally right, with the caveat that you also have to learn not to freak out as soon as you stop being distracted. That's where the positivity helps a lot.

Personally, it's playing guitar that takes my head away from the DP-logic and cycles of negative thinking. I play live quite often, and it is impossible to hold down a groove and obsess over DP at the same time. Literally impossible; not once has a single weird, intrusive or DP-based thought come to me during a set. It's only afterwards, when I pack up and sit down and start thinking, "Do I feel real yet?" that the creeping sensation of weird badness comes back.

If you don't have any hobbies that engage you to that extent, I highly recommend taking one up. I hear videogames are pretty good for taking you out of your own head; a lot of people also say good things about exercise. Why not try both? If they're not for you, no harm done. Remember, this is still your life, and you can still do whatever you want with it.

I can also recommend getting a job, if you don't already have one. Three months ago, I started full-time work in Central London, pretty much at the height of my DP-experience, when nothing felt real, my own face terrified me and my dreams were hyper-vivid and abominable. And even though that sounds like an impossible thing to do - even to me, the person who did it - I went and did it anyway. Having something to occupy me during the day, as well as people to talk to, has been a massive help. Again: you can still do whatever you want, DP'ed or not.

*3. Get Help*

For those of you in the US, or otherwise without access to free healthcare - I'm sorry, I know it might not be possible for you to see a therapist. I can say that CBT and counselling (following my mum's suicide) have been very helpful for me, but I'll also say that far more helpful than either of those has been the love and support of the people around me. Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends and loved ones, and don't be ashamed of what's happening to you. This isn't your fault, and you shouldn't feel that you have to hide it. Discuss it openly, explain it to the best of your ability, and I think you'll be surprised at how much support people will be prepared to give you.

Remember: It doesn't make you weak to be unable to cope with this all alone; it makes you human. And since that's precisely what we're all afraid we've lost, the last thing you should be scared of is showing a little bit of human frailty.

*4. Move On*

There will come a point where you can recognize yourself as recovering. Wonderful! This will cheer you up. If you're anything like me, though, the next thing you do will be to worry about relapse, about how long recovery will take, and generally think about the same tired old shit in a slightly newer package.

*Do not* mistake these for 'new' and frightening thoughts, and *do not *panic about the way you feel changing. You are coming out of a very dark, very weird cave, and the bright light is bound to be a little bit blinding. Your own emotions will feel strange and maybe a bit overwhelming; you will probably laugh at strange things for much too long (for me, the thought I could openly defecate on a train and nobody could stop me made me literally cry with laughter).

In short, you will be standing at a crossroads with a straightforward but important decision: Go back to living normal life, with all its attendant idiosyncrasies, ups and downs and curve-balls; or stay in the DP cave with your negative self-obsession and the cycle of shame.

On paper, this is an easy choice; in real life it plays out more complicated. As much as you hate it, you are accustomed to DP-world. Your first glimpse of reality has not instantly cured you, and it's easy to let that snuff your tender hope. You may find that, as perverse as it sounds, you're actually not quite ready to be well again. You may even find yourself actually feeling worse: things have changed, and change can be scary. If that's the case, you've got to forgive yourself. Wellness will come with time, and you've seen enough to know that going back to normal can be a reality for you.

I know that, right now, DP is the biggest and scariest thing in existence - in fact in many ways it's the only thing, because it touches all of your reality. But when that opportunity to get better is in front of you - frustratingly close, but strangely distant - you have to be prepared to cut DP loose and treat it like it was all nothing after all. Because it's only your perception that defines what's true for you, and if you can change that perception: from DP is everything to DP is nothing, then nobody and nothing can stand in the way of you getting better. And all these bad feelings you experienced won't matter; what will matter is that you recognize the value in yourself again, in a way that you probably never have before.

I look upon this experience as just taking a very weird road to enlightenment - and, if you find it helps, I encourage you to do the same.

You are all beautiful people.

-Danny


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## Mochan (Jul 14, 2014)

Thanks for writing this down! I will bookmark this to remind me not to be afraid of losing my mind and to stay positive ^^


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## Praise the Dawning (Nov 10, 2014)

Thanks so much. I named my account after a Velvet Underground quote, so it's funny that you posted this 

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother.


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## Praise the Dawning (Nov 10, 2014)

YungAndGifted said:


> great positive post here, thanks for that! But i wish someone could touch more on the trauma side of things and release info on how when we resolve or traumas that caused the dp, the dp actually goes away and you return to your normal states of being. Itd be nice to see storys like that but thats besides the point glad your recovered and glad people can see that its possible. Congratz!


If you want advice with trauma, you should check out Harris Harrington's videos. They are excellent.


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## alicecr (Nov 13, 2014)

Thank you so much for sharing your story!!!

I'm at a point, like you said that it feels son close, but at the same time so distant. And I have been able to start recognizing my trigger patterns. DP does touch every aspect of your life and makes you question everything about anything. Right now for me, is coming to terms that thinking, having fears, emotions is part of life and I shouldn't over think every aspect of life, and re learn to trust myself and go with the flow.


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## Sixty-Six (Oct 15, 2014)

Quick update for you, my friends:

It's now been slightly over a year, and I'm almost completely recovered. I'll post a full story with advice when I get the chance, but in the meantime I'll just tell you all to stick with it, and keep living your life to the best of your ability. I thought I was a no-hope, brain-dead, total loss for a very long time. I had constant suicidal thoughts, and every single moment was worse than anything I'd ever experienced pre-DP.

Now I'm sitting here watching a crappy movie on TV, and quietly giggling to myself. Life is pleasant, interesting and engaging again. 90% of what 'fixed' it was just time, so don't worry if you don't feel you're making progress. You are, and you don't need to put pressure on yourself - it won't make it go any faster.

For anyone interested - I won't describe what my symptoms were, because I still don't enjoy going down that road psychologically - but I had DP 24/7 and really, really badly. I know I've never experienced anyone else's DP, but I thought about dying to make it stop almost every minute, so it's fair to say it wasn't some candy-coated version of the real deal.

Keep the faith; I love you all,

Danny


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## seabreeze (Jun 2, 2015)

Yip, I thought I was going nuts too and would be like my own schizophrenic mother. DP + that = a terrified 18 year old, all those years ago.


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