# My story-Mild/Moderate DP, Depression and anxiety?



## Nevermore93 (Jan 22, 2015)

Hi guys. im 21 and have both a personal and family history of anxiety and emotional issues. i never had a traumatic past and never did any other drugs besides cannabis which never gave me feelings of DP/DR or panic. this has been going on for about 2 months now. it all started the third day on an new job...

it was around mid november when i went from one job to another with no break in between. they were both warehouse environments but this was a step up from the basic work i was doing. the jackass who trained me made things much harder than they should have been. it simply involved the use of an RF scanner to pick orders from merchandise racks but due to the way he "taught" me, i hardly learned anything from him (especially since i have ADD and always had trouble retaining verbal information) and it made the stress, worry, hopelessness and fear of screwing up because i knew id be on my own soon.

I went to bed after the third day, smoked a small amount of weed around 10:00 pm and felt great as always. fell asleep around 11:30 and woke up a few hours later to a panic attack, the first ive had in my entire life. rather than feelings of dying/doom, hyperventilation and emotionally freaking out, it was an odd sense of dysphoria. with heart palpitations and trembling body, there were intense waves of numbness and tingling, almost electrical feeling surging through my head. i lost alot of feeling in my body, felt like i was detatched as i looked around my room to see everything visually distorted. things went from blurry to sharp, walls looked like they were moving, ect.. also had a bit of vertigo, falling/floating and spinning sensations. it was similar to a bad weed high but felt much more dissociated. as scared as i was, i kept rationalizing and telling myself its an anxiety attack and ill be fine. the symptoms did not subside much as i got no sleep for the rest of that night.

two weeks went by and i had this constant pressure in the center of my brain along with a slight sense of dissociation and visual snow, blurriness. it was on my mind all day and night as i lost alot of sleep during this time. i knew it was anxiety as i kept wondering and googling my symptoms constantly, it would always lead to GAD. plus i had a history of anxiety my entire life. i thought it would pass as the stress from the job lessened over the days. i was wrong as i awoke to a second panic attack, just when things were starting to subside. it was the same exact feelings but i had xanax this time, (perscribed by a doc the previous week, who insisted it was drug induced) and it knocked me out in less than an hour. the next few days after this my symptoms hit an all time high. it was more consistent feelings of detatchment, numbness, spaced out and worried about what the hell could be going wrong. my vision would constantly lose focus and blur when trying to read small text or look at something for too long. i kept getting these split second head rush feelings, like a lapse of consciousness that would send a shockwave through my head and/or body. also been hypersensitive to sound, especially high pitched noses like snapping my fingers. i was starting to think this could be a nerve disorder. i tend to over analyze all this which we all know makes things worse.

Emotions and symptoms have been rollercoaster-ing since then. i have bouts of depression and feelings of hopelessness or that im losing my mind.i had suicidal thoughts but no real considerations, like they would pass through my mind but i wouldnt act upon it. most my symptoms are visual. if i stare at a fixed object for a while. i hallucinate and it appears like its moving in blurry frames, while becoming high contrast/ two dimensional at times, along with depth perception changes. throat has been feeling tight latley. when i look at myself in a mirror, i look distorted and almost cartoony and it gives me a shock of fear through my body.

Lately i been feeling ok for most the day. Nights are awful though. i have a mix of these feelings most times i lay in bed:

-floating/ falling sensations when closing my eyes

-feeling weightlessness, numb body

-tingling and pressure in face or deep in head

-numb, buzzing feeling in face and head

-heart palpitations/ verge of panic attack

-feeling like im in an alternate reality and nothing is really what it seems and just want to get back to my old self. one night i woke up half conscious with racing heart and racing philisophical thoughts about the meaning of life and images of nature flashing through my mind like i was out of my body in another dimension

-SEVERE hypnogogic sensations and hallucinations right before drifting off, preventing me from entering REM sleep. this includes hypnic jerks, shockwaves thru my head/ body jolting me awake coupled with auditory hallucinations, bad tinnitus as random images flash through my head usually cartoons, animals, color patterns ect. this keeps me up till sunrise. somehow i can still function throughout most days without fatigue.

-vivid dreams involving something i did in the recent past but with a different setting (including one where i was changing a flat tire) but feeling in a state of panic and fear like im observing my dream from the outside

how many of you guys go through the same stuff i feel? i mean its not neccessarily like i feel like nothing is real and im not real, but its mostly physical/visual problems. i tried smoking weed a couple times over the past two months and although it didn't increase feelings of detatchment overall, i felt very anxious uncomfortable and trembly with self-concsious thoughts for the duration of the high so i quit altogether. i quit my job recently as the stress of 10-12 hours shifts were too much for me to handle at the moment (along with other issues regarding how screwed up that company ran stuff but thats a different story lol). i need to go in for a PET scan and blood tests to see if anything else is wrong just incase but im pretty sure its just chronic anxiety mixed with DP, more so than DR. i can only fall asleep while on my couch with the TV on; i feel like theres this subconcsious fear of falling asleep in my bed due to the possibility of having another panic attack. i really am not as concerned with how i am during the day, i just want to be able to sleep through the night like i once used to before this job killed me from the inside.


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## Guest (Jan 23, 2015)

Like you, I had a job that ate me from the inside out. It wasn't the job itself, it was my supervisor at the time. He was a royal prick, and I remember having a literal mental breakdown in his office because of him and he told me to "grow a pair." I don't hate really anyone in this world other than that guy, So trust me when I say I know where you are coming from.

As far as your symptoms are going I can relate to those, most of mine were visual/physical related and it really takes a toll on what to do with yourself. I was always rubbing my eyes trying to make the feeling go away but it never worked. My best advice for you is stay away from weed. Its a dissociative drug and even though you aren't feeling it's effects, it is probably making your DP/DR worse.

These are common symptoms, try to keep anxiety at the lowest possible point (easier said then done, i know) and you will feel better. Try and focus on things that really make your mind stray from the feelings of DP


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## Nevermore93 (Jan 22, 2015)

Symptoms are mild right now, last night was the first night in weeks i slept well. been taking high potency fish oil and multivitamins plus magnesium for a week now, it may be helping. and it may sound bad but id like to one day be able to smoke without getting anxious about it, weed always used to make me feel more connected with myself, content and humble with my life. i miss those positive vibes but as for now, i just drink occasionally, while being careful not to have too much since it does make me not care about my problems and knocks me out for the night  dont worry im not using this as a primary source of relief lol


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