# 7 years of DP and strugging - Will it get worse???



## JohnS (Sep 5, 2006)

I took half an Ecstacy tablet at a rave 7 years ago (first and only time) ? It really hit me hard and made me feel what I would now describe as severe depersonalisation. I have never come back to reality.

During the month after I had dizzy-spells and felt constantly lightheaded and tired (I now know this as DP). I began posting messages on a ?rave? website to see if others had experienced this. My first few weeks of messages were re-assuring with people just telling me not to worry, etc. I then got a VERY SCARY reply from a guy going by the name Peter Jones. He said that the same thing happened to his brother and now he is in a mental assylum with half his head numb!!!!

This scared me like crazy. I immediately assumed the worst and slipped into a full blown panic attack that lasted months with thousands of questions and 'what ifs' running through my head. The thought of losing my mind was too much for me ? I even planned suicide. Total despair and depression....

This event triggered a whole load of physical symptoms ? random muscle twitches/spasms and pins and needles in different parts of my body, intense burning sensations in my left hand and 'floating' black lines, clouds and spots in my vision (later found out these are floaters). I also awoke with partially numb hands almost every morning. One night I awoke to find myself paralysed from the right shoulder down. I was also in a constant lightheaded dream-like state.

During the initial period I emailed over 100 neurologists and MDMA researchers with a ?cry for help?. Most replied with advice about keeping positive. Many suggested seeing a psychologist for help with dealing with the emotional side of this situation. Some suggested that many of my symptoms may be related to the anxiety I was experiencing. The best news was that no-one had heard of any similar cases to my own, or cases were ecstacy use had led to ?Peter Jones? type situations. I am now pretty sure that the ?Peter Jones? message was just someones idea of a joke?.

I also saw a GP and a neurologist and went through a heap of testing ? CT scan, MRI, evoked potentials, ear tests, eye tests, blood tests, etc. When nothing showed up both blamed all my symptoms on anxiety.

Eventually I saw a pshycologist specialising in anxiety disorders. He also believed that anxiety was causing my problems. He explained the terrible effects of anxiety and gave me my first glimpse of hope after 3-4 months of constant panic. However, I knew he didn?t have it quite right as he was saying that anxiety was causing the symptoms when I knew that the symptoms were causing the anxiety. It wasn?t long before I lost faith in the pshycologist and started to give up hope again? despair?.

It was soon after this that I found out what was really going on ? on the internet. I came across DP websites. It was great to finally give the ?thing? I was feeling a name, and to find out I wasn?t completely alone in this world.

I saw a pshychiatrist and he agreed that it was DP. He assured me it wouldn?t get worse (hard to believe but I tried). He also prescribed klonopin which seemed to help a little and told me to go ahead with life and just treat this thing as a ?bloody nuisance.?

Since that time I tried very hard to think positive and go on with my normal life - working, playing sport, going out (no alcohol), etc. The really weird thing is that I have seemed fairly ?normal? to everyone around me.

I still experience 24/7 DP (dizzy, light-headed, distant from myself, others and the world). Also, I have wobbling vision 24/7. Looking at the moon is a good example. I look at it and it seems to jump around, like I just can?t keep my focus stable. Does anyone else experience this?

I have made it through the past 6 years by telling myself this isn?t getting worse but I?m staring to loose hope now as I feel it is?. At the moment I?m REALLY struggling. I have a beautiful girlfriend I love completely and I?m thinking about starting a family with her. However, I have so much fear of the responsibility of being a parent. What if it is getting worse????? Thoughts of the future with this getting worse are just too much to bear?..

It?s hard to describe how bad I feel but to get some perspective I?ll put it this way. I look at paraplegics and think ?you lucky bugger? ? and mean it ? I would trade my legs to get ?reality? back without question.

Logically this condition shouldn?t get worse: ?They know it won?t kill them or make them insane. It isn?t a progressive illness. It may constitute a subtle alteration of perception. Eventually one may find ways of adapting.? For some reason I have trouble believing this. I feel that I have the rare case that will get worse with time.

If you have had a similar experience, have any advice or have any questions please reply to the thread or contact me at [email protected].

Thanks for reading this,

John


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## californian (Jul 24, 2006)

really, for pretty much everyone, dp has peaks and valleys. many people experience it in a totally chronic way,with little fluctuation that they perceive. even in those cases it fluctuates more than people often realize.

a big part of the problem is that dp affects the part of your brain that records emotional memory--the part that is supposed to supply the appropriate emotions to things that you recognize as well as things you remember. as a result, the dp sufferer really has a hard time gauging how he feels in relation to the past. it might be getting a bit worse at the moment, but it won't stay that way, and you aren't finally going to disappear into yourself or anything like that.

as far as anxiety and dp. i think you are right that the dp causes the anxiety in many cases--mine too for example. but anxiety also causes/aggravates dp. if you let the dp make you anxious, the anxiety will make the dp worse. it becomes a vicious cycle.

you are NOT going crazy. i've thought that many times myself, but i didn't, and i won't. you won't either. when i feel really bad now, i just remind myself that something is going wrong with the part of my brain that registers emotional memory and it is causing me to feel detached and like the rest of the world is bizarre/foreign/however you like to describe it. when i package it in terms like that, i find it a lot less scary...

hope that helps...


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## JohnS (Sep 5, 2006)

Thanks heaps for the reply Californian - It is exactly what I needed to hear and make real sense.

I have some good news.

I forgot to mention that I had been on clonazepan for most of the past 6 years, starting with 1.5 mg/day, then reducing to 1 mg/day and finally to 0.5 mg/day. I was starting to feel the DP was getting worse and decided to stop taking Klonopin about 3 months ago thinking it may have been the clonazepan...... I was very wrong. It now seems that withdrawal was causing a major role in my recent problems.

6 days ago I went back onto clonazepan (1 mg/day) and things cleared up and improved 70% within hours!!!! Awesome. Finally some 'reality' again. I doubt I will ever go off it again.

I'm sure you're right about the peaks and troughs. It's just great to be at a peak. Most importantly - I feel the fear of going crazy is finally gone 

There is hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## californian (Jul 24, 2006)

glad to get your reply JohnS. perhaps one day you'll be able to go off of klonopin without returning to dp, but if it still helps you now...GREAT!

glad you figured out what was going on...


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## sfdave (Oct 12, 2006)

I feel I got DP from doing ectasy and I have had it now for four years. I unfortunately have done etasy probably about 200 times. I am 24/7 dizzy and get tension headaches. It's just not a good way to live. Do you know how long I can expect to live like this?


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## californian (Jul 24, 2006)

there's unfortunately no way to know dave. have you gone in for any sort of treatment from a doctor/psych?

generally speaking, if you treat it with lifestyle, therapy, meds, in a wholistic way it will taper off eventually.

i wish you all the best.


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## sfdave (Oct 12, 2006)

I have been going to a psychiatrist and I mentioned depersonalization to him but he downplays it. It's very frustratng. I am on 75 mg of Effexor and to be honest it inconsistent. Some weeks I feel no DP effects and other weeks I feel the DP effects all week. i just don't know what to do. I am contimplating going off the Effexor since I do not suffer from depression. Any advice?


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## californian (Jul 24, 2006)

go to http://www.issd.org and find a psych who knows what dpd is. don't waste time with a downplaying psych.

as for the Effexor, if you decide to go off of it, go off of it under the supervision of a psych, not all at once...keep in mind, though, that meds often take a while to stabilize.

hope that helps.


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## mind^partizan (Nov 11, 2006)

I just realised that i have dp yesterday. Before that, neither my doctors nor me have ever talked about dp possibly being my illness. My problems started with extreme anxiety and OCD. When the symptoms of these started to reduce, this feeling of detachment started to develop. It began in like middle of spring this year and continues till now. Now im taking Effexor 187.5mg, but today without talking with my psichiatrist, i decided to reduce it to 150mg..., because i thought effexor doesnt treat dp, or does it?


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## chiendeguerre (Nov 12, 2006)

Hi

I can relate to your drug taking origins. i remember around that time taking an ecstacy tablet that I responded very oddly too. I was with a "friend" who I have since reappraised in more critically objective way. I remember him scrutinizing me very deeply that evening and I have since come to the conclusion that he may have been testing an lsd laced tab on me to observe the effects of acid.

I know this may sound paranoid its been 12 years since this part of my life began and I have been distilling my thoughts on the subject and doing much much comparative analysis on the aspects of it I remember and all the people i was involved with at the time.

While I am here I don't expect to be as consistent as the north star and as far as my pathology regarding how I've dealt with DP is concerned, I've reached a conclusion that allows me to face life with a positive and even optimistic attitude. I genuinely feel special in an almost mythic way. without wanting to be melodramatic I feel like I may have actually *evolved*.

I won't pretend to understand your personal circumstances. One thing I've learnt through this experience is the terrifying and wonderful realisation that everyone is unique. All that I can honestly offer as my personal wishes of encouragement is that I am living a constructive life right now and enjoying almost every aspect of it. My altered perception is something I've only just begun to understand and it is actually helpful in solving problems to do with interpersonal relationships.

I feel like I can see in more detail.

Its taken a long time and I have been in the depths of despair. I have crawled through sewers of humiliation and cried till my jaw ached, but I listened to music, exercised, wrote, read, watched people and thought; a lot.

now, right now, I feel fucking great.

I am on a bit of a high because of this forum and I just recently started college. British , European history and Euro studies, but honestly and as humbly as i can offer, I am not unhappy.

last word. Endure and find joy in little things. We are special.


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