# recovering but lonely



## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

hi..haven't been here in a while...have been busy with....feeling **** actually, getting seriously in touch with all that anger and rage that had/s been repressed.
last week just before my 3 and a half week summer therapy break began I was seriously unwell, losing touch with reality all over the place..mainly in public, was crying lots.....generally thought I'd have to check into hospital if I wasn't sent there first...

HOWEVER my therapist and I picked me up from where I'd fallen, and it was a bit of a breakthrough actually  :idea:

I actually re-emerged like a phoenix from the ashes or someone from a flood....
I spoke about Bach Flower Remedies with my therapist, and she recommended Sweet Chestnut, that, which is perfectly safe to take with Efexor etc, is really helping me LOADS already...

I feel more human and much less vulnerable and 'skinless'...

So, the catharsis of deep emotion through anger and tears, and the processing of that, and using the support of complementary medicine has helped me to feel 'personalised'.....

Yesterday at work I had the amazing (to me) insight that the belief that 'people don't want me around' was very deep rooted, and had some reality in the past, and as I became conscious of it....it aroused very powerful emotions in me....reliving it in the present when it isn't present reality, expecting it to continuously repeat....

BUT the amazing thing is that I am now actually starting to feel myself becoming free of this negative belief.... 

Katie


----------



## Guest (Aug 9, 2005)

Hi Katie,

I thought to reply a bit since your post looks lonely here and noone responded to you. And because I recognize what you are saying.



> So, the catharsis of deep emotion through anger and tears, and the processing of that, and using the support of complementary medicine has helped me to feel 'personalised'


I know how great it feels to feel as you say personalized, if even only at short moments. Its that you can actually feel some parts of you again, feelings that were out of your reach for a long long time.

What I also recognize in what you are saying in your post (and in the quote) is that I am dealing with a lot of anger and tears too. When experiencing this I go through hell and get suicidal thoughts. But once Im out, it seems like something has been cleared or disappeared or even healed maybe? Then I also experience 'new' feelings, like space has been made for these feelings. Or like I can touch new layers of feelings in myself, if that makes sense?

Im wondering what causes this to happen. Ive been getting a lot of triggers lately and they trigger a lot of anger. I do think that Im in a place where my anger is ok to be there, like Im ready for it or something. With the anger comes a lot of pain (or: was originally caused by a lot of pain).

I also have alot of confusion and I dont know if you recognize this, but I am going from one state into another but really dont know who/where the real me is. I think these states are ALL me (like, one identity) but I seem to have separated emotional states (I know this is what Complex PTSD is).

You say:


> Yesterday at work I had the amazing (to me) insight that the belief that 'people don't want me around' was very deep rooted, and had some reality in the past, and as I became conscious of it....it aroused very powerful emotions in me....reliving it in the present when it isn't present reality, expecting it to continuously repeat....


I know very well what you are saying here and can understand that this realization caused very powerful emotions for you. This 'people dont want me around' has become who you are, you have defined yourself by this (core) believe (as you say, unconsciously) and when you become aware this is JUST a believe you have and that its NOT the Truth about you, it is mind-blowing.

I sometimes have these 'realizations' and when I have them, my 'True' self emerges. Its amazingly beautiful to experience this.

It sounds like you are going through some very powerful healing.
Keep going, although I know from my own experience its very very hard.
But the results that the hard work show is what keeps me moving on.

Take care,
Wendy


----------



## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

thanks for responding, Wendy...it means a lot to me.....because I did feel disappointed to get no response until now...

I shall respond in more detail tomorrow, as there's a lot I want to say...but am tired right now....

will be back soon...thank you...

Katie


----------



## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

I WILL get back to this, Wendy...I will have time tomorrow evening...

Katie


----------



## Guest (Aug 13, 2005)

Thanks, but there is no rush, Katie, you dont even HAVE to reply. Take your time if you do want to though. 8)


----------



## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

thanks Wendy..I had a stressful (although trigger free  ) day and I've got a headache...

as soon as I am ready though.....


----------



## Universal (May 30, 2005)

I'm really glad some therapy is helping someone feel more "personalized." I haven't gotten any therapy yet but I'm expecting it to work and clear out some internal conflicts that are bothering me. I'm glad you're feeling better, and any more info on how you're doing would be great.

UNI


----------



## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

Just wanted to pop in and say I really know what Katie and Wendy are going through. It's been the same for me, nearly word for word!

Best wishes on your upcoming therapy, universal!


----------



## England's_Dreaming (Oct 3, 2004)

Its really lovely to read that you are getting your life on track and sorting through all the negative crap. I'm really excited for you and SOO PROUD!

Love, peace and happiness to you my darling, fellow Londoner


----------



## Guest (Dec 9, 2005)

I missed this post.

Well done Katie, that's fantastic. I was particularly struck by your line 'reliving it in the present when it isn't present reality, expecting it to continuously repeat'. It sounds exactly like me.


----------



## Guest (Jan 26, 2006)

I'm alittle late replying to this post, but I haven't been here very long. I read it, and it really made me happy that someone could have such a wonderful break through.

The other day I felt "reality", and literally cried because I was so happy. It comes and goes...but those short moments are incredible.


----------



## delicateshadow (Jul 2, 2005)

just wanted to say thanks for your replies...I've been away from here for a while, but am 'back' now...and really appreciate your responses.

Its still not easy...still I struggle with losing touch with me-in-the-present...but I'm more conscious of it now...


----------



## Sojourner (May 21, 2005)

It can take a long time, this psychotherapy thing, but I think it's worth it. I may have turned the corner that completely frees me from the complex I've been suffering with all my life.

I have discovered that it is indeed my own negative feelings and my own anger that I turn around and punish myself with when they are perfectly legitimate feelings to have from time to time.

Yesterday I experienced a professional disappointment and within seconds descended into a bad BDD attack. Ten minutes later, I was out of it and back to normal. The time spent in that "down" state is gradually being reduced and one day will be zero, or thirty seconds, or something similar.

It's taken a long time.

I was discussing the difficulty I was having with understanding how progress or healing takes place, and my therapist and I basically agreed that it's a mixture of conscious and unconscious healing, and that it's impossible to analyze the healing process.

I think I'm going to just enjoy it.


----------

