# Depersonalization and a loss of spontaneity



## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

This might be something that is "just me". I really doubt it, however.

I've found that one of the ways in which depersonalization has come to manifest itself in me is in a loss of spontaneity and ability to "let go" and "go with the flow" (I love these catchy phrases).

Again, this is another "chicken and egg" question, for me.

On the one hand, there's the idea floating around in my head that DP itself is the culprit for a loack of spontaneity - that these thoughts of not "feeling myself" and being "disconnected" lead to an inability to simply sit back from the driving seat of conscious control and let things "flow" as they will.

Equally, though, I suppose that matters might be the other way round. It might be this lack of spontaneity - this conscious inability to let go of control and act in a more "natural" manner - that is bringing about feelings of depersonalization. In this regard, it may be the case that you don't "feel yourself" because you're not _allowing_ yourself to properly be yourself. You're placing too much emphasis on your concious, rational thought patterns, and too little on your "inner self" - which is probably far less "rigid" and calculating.

Does the DP cause the loss of spontaneity or does the loss of spontaneity cause the DP? I personally think it's more of a reciprocal relationship between the two, but that's just me.

Does anyone else find this to be an aspect of their symptoms? Do you find yourself not feeling as spontaneous as the next guy? For those who have recovered, does all this "come back" once you've recovered, or do you need to "let" the spontaneity come back _in order to_ reocover?

Or am I just rambling pointlessly again?


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

i used to have a lot of spontaneity, but the dp made me lose it. i had so much energy it wasn't even funny. before dp i felt like i could do anything. i might have had a slight case of ADD, but i could manage it on my own. i liked to do a lot of things at once, now multitasking is impossible.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

I'm deeply confused as to whether I ever had spontaneity or not.

Since the early 90's I've been thinking it was Asperger's, but I've read so many posts here from DP'rs who complain of the same symptoms that I've attributed to the AS for such a long time now that I'm not too sure _what_ to think now.

I guess I _should_ seek a diagnosis for it to clear that up.

Is it the DP/DR in my case? Maybe I don't have Asperger's syndrome at all? Or some hellish combination of the two?

My head's going around in circles.


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

Correct me if I'm wrong, Enigma.

But I'd always assumed that Aspergers' syndrome was not something that you just "get", but something that you "have. If you've got it, you've always got it, and you're always going to have it.

I'd always heard it was present from childhood, so srely if you did have Aspergers' you would have been diagnosed a long time ago, and it would have been your parents who noticed the symtoms first.

Or perhaps not, again, I'm pretty ignorant of this condition lol.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

The thing is, I think I might've had it all along ( which everybody who has it does).

But I never really thought of myself as 'high functioning autistic' until my 20's (seemed a reasonable explanation for all of my social short comings. So it made sense).

Before then I thought the DP/DR _did_ have something to do with my social ineptitude. But the more I learned about HFA (and later Asperger's), the more convinced I became that that was it (something quite separate and apart from the DP/DR).

But what intrigues me here is the social problems you describe in association with DP/DR sound a helluva lot like what I've been going through (and ascribing to AS for the last decade or so).

Which leads me to wonder: Could I have been right the first time, when I believed my 'social retardation' to be a by-product of DP/DR?

Can DP/DR actually _do_ that to someone (in at least some cases)?

It's leading me to have to rethink the whole 'Asperger's' thing and wonder if I really do have Asperger's (in addition to the DP/DR).

The only possible way to find out, of course, would be to seek an actual diagnosis for Asperger's, so that I could either rule the latter out, or settle comfortably into my 'Aspieness'.

Your posts (was it you who wrote the other post about how the DP/DR was effecting your ability to interact socially?) have definitely raised some new questions in my mind, and I guess I need to continue pursuing answers.

e


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## Guest (Apr 13, 2005)

I feel that loss of spontaneity, but only by period.

There are some months, days, when I'm much more likely to decide to do things at the last minute, and others when I can't bare going outside. Right now I think I'm in a down phase. I still have thoughts racing in my head, but I don't feel like doing anything or seeing people.

I can't wait for the "good" phase to come back.

Nancy


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

> Can DP/DR actually do that to someone (in at least some cases) [reduce social functiining]?


I know it's cliche, but the real answer is "yes and no".

I think that DP - when in its severest states - can affect social functioning; at least it does for me. It can make you so preoccupied with how "weird" you feel, and so "in yourself", that interaction seems so "forced" that it's not as good as it otherwise would be.

But I don't think DP can drastically impair social functioning in itself. I think it's more likely that, at least for most of us, there's underlying psychological "issues" which both the DP _and_ the social anxiety are symptoms of.

So they're related, but I doubt DP in itself causes significant social impairment, though it is linked. The DP and the social impairment are both caused by unerlying psychological factors.



> It's leading me to have to rethink the whole 'Asperger's' thing and wonder if I really do have Asperger's (in addition to the DP/DR).


Get a diagnosis. It's hard to be objective about yourself.

[/i]


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

yea i used to be active and socializing with people, now i don't want to be around people because this isn't the real me. its not me at all. i don't want people to see a fake me, i still talk to a few friends, but its not the same. i don't talk with enthusiasm or a personality or a confidence like i used to and its usually serious talk or something, not joking around silly talk i used to do. i just want to get back and don't know if i ever will.


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

and why would i want to socialize when i can't hear my own voice, and it seems so distant. this nightmare will never end. i'm ready to die. it doesn't really scare me anymore. the only thing that scares me is this dp and staying like this forever, nothing else worries me.


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## Guest (Apr 13, 2005)

Livinghell,

I've read a few of your posts... Do you have anyone to speak to about this? Are you in therapy? It sounds like you are in a very bad place and maybe you need to tell someone more than on this board.

Tell people how you feel, especially if suicidal.

Hang in there.

Nancy


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