# What to do with built up anger?



## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

What can you do with anger from long ago which you didn't express at the time? I always get angry feelings about situations from a long time ago when I didnt defend myself properly and people disrespected me and I let them do so and it seems to have built up a lot of resentment in me. I have tried talking about it, writing about it and doing all sorts of things like hitting pillows and screaming in my car but focusing on it seems to just feed it more energy so im at a loss about what to do. At the moment it seems to just turn into depression and my anger just gets turned inward then I feel like im walking through glue and often its really hard to motivate myself to get up in the morning. I have searched the internet to find answers to such questions and the only answers seem to be either express your anger safely, get therapy or do relaxation and I have tried all that and it has got me nowhere, infact it has probably made me worse because I have spent so much time focusing on it. Other people say forget about it and focus outwards but then I am repressing it and ignoring it which is also no good, but I cant find anybody who really knows what to do.


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## Guest (Apr 3, 2008)

It helps to remember that not ALL anger is bad,some anger is justified.It can be that our reactions to us being angry can be the problem ie;"anger is bad,i shouldnt be angry" in some cases,that can cause us to invalidate our own feelings hence-that causes DR/DP in some cases.But I think you know that ,and in knowing that now alot of past anger is coming up from when you didnt see it like that and bottled it up,remember to remind yourself that if people have hurt you ,then you have a right to be a bit angry about that,and thats ok, as long as that anger doesnt spill over into all our relationships with ALL others.
Basically we cant control/change others,we can only work upon ourselves,we cant undo anything they have done,we can only to deal with it in healthier ways.Though in not being able to change what others have done,that doesnt justify it and of course youll be angry about it-youre human! 
The only solution I have found is expressing myself in a way that doesnt compromise me or the other person ,if somone pisses me off then I can calmly say "Thats not acceptable,I dont like that" rather than holding it in ,saying nothing and geting angry later.And I still slip up,recenly on this forum for example ,but again im only human,im not perfect,and the situation triggered in me and reminded of the situation between me and my father...and his mind games..his mind games that ive only become aware of recently....anger becomes a problem also if we dont let it go,if the senario continues to bug us during all other daily/nightly activities,I managed to let go of my anger towards that person by realiseing that person was already in enough pain,my anger wouldnt help that situation,anger wouldnt have made either of us feel any better about it,but again in that ,thats not to say that I found that persons behaviour acceptable because I didnt ,and after all that I can now laugh about it.And I couldnt change the fact that the other person didnt have a clear awareness of others bounderies,and the fact that yes I am human ,i have feelings,i get hurt,im not superhuman,somtimes people put unrealistic expectations on us and then they test those expectations to see if they are real ,and of course they are not.Im saying that because it helps to remember that others have feelings and get angry just asd we do ,where anger is concerned ,and in not placing such unrealistic expectations upon ourselves or others ie;anger is bad i shouldnt feel it.....we dont get so frustrated and angry about it.
I had a problem with anger.....latley ive noticed that if I dont deal with something in a good way...I allow that anger to spill over into my communication with poor unsuspecting others.And ive noticed I actually tremble.I dont suffer the rages any longer .
One thing that some try is writing a letter to the person who has made us angry,but instead of expressing angrily,write it in a clear prosise manner that himts "sure im pissed off" but "i can express it without anger,I can say how i feel"...it helps us find a better way of comunicating what we are angry about...because anger only fuels more anger.Then if we find ourselves in situations in which we are unhappy or angry,we can say so here and now rather than bottleing it up.you dont have to post the letter ,but if you want to post it ,wait several days after writing it to see if you are still angry and if you think its appropriate to send.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Thanks Spirit, you are right I think that a lot of old anger is coming up but there is too much that hasn't been expressed and getting it out without taking out on other people is the tricky part. The problem is that I was not allowed to express anger when I was young even if I had something to be angry about so im only now learning now how to calmly say no and and stand up for myself, but what I hate is that I feel so insecure and weak when expressing it to other people that I feel like there is no power behind what I say so it feels like there is almost no point saying anything. One thing therapy has shown me is how to properly deal with new anger situations that arise and how important it is to know how to say no and to do it at the time, but its the old anger which im finding difficult, perhaps I will try your letter technique, thanks,


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2008)

Sounds like a passive aggressive personality, when you get disrespected you let it pass instead of dealing with it right there and then and later you become aggressive because you haven't done what you think you should have done.

I am like that too, or I was, I was always taught to let things go and if someone does something you don't like you ignore them. Then I got used to my dad beating up on me for years and years and when I was 13 I finally had enough and fought back. It felt a lot better to fight back even if I did get my ass kicked by my dad then it did to live with the demons that circled through my head for years that caused me anger and made fear grow inside of me.

I came to find out that I cannot let things go all the time and what I thought was not exactly correct, sometimes you have to take a stand to what I think is right. When you react correctly in those situations you will look back and be confident in yourself based on your past actions, if you do not you will always be weak and always have no self esteem. I can't afford to have any demons roaming inside my head, I believe that tolerance leads to evil and if we tolerate other peoples actions we will only be corrupted by them.

You wanna get some aggression out? Lift heavy ass weight, do powerlifting, start boxing, but that will only temporarily let your anger out, when the next situation comes it's up to you to react upon it and you might feel a lot better about yourself depending on the way you react.


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## Islander1 (Mar 25, 2008)

Strange and interesting story OP, thanks for sharing.
and thanks for sharing your thoughts spirit, i absorbed your words of wisdom.

unfortunately with my built up anger i took the wrong path and got drunk and violent, because that was my only escape from DP/anxiety. I got my self landed in a correctional facility for about 8 months. Something strange happened to me in there, i found that whilst being incarcerated my DP and anxiety completely VANISHED, i was my old self after my 2nd/third week inside jail. My doctor told me this was the case because i was in a controlled environment and i was "Forced" to be associated with people, IE: there was no escaping conversations, interaction etc. Since i was suffering from Social anxiety disorder and DP previous to my incarceration, i would avoid social situations and basically just stay home and do nothing etc the only time i would go out would be on a sat or fri nite to have a few beers with my mates. Unfortunately when i got out of prison, about 1 month of being released my dp and anxiety gradually returned, as i was falling back into my old pattern/cycle. Anyway to this day i still have no idea why my dp and anxiety vanished, even tho my doctor said it was due to because i was in a controlled environment. Whilst in prison i wrote letters, did weights, ate healthy, maybe that was partly why and how i returned to my old self and stayed that way during my whole sentence till i was released. What ever the case, im pretty sure that the answer is we have to force our selfs to face our fears. People with social anxiety - we have to go out there and interact, face people, talk etc. people with DP - we have to break the cycle we are in, travel, go see things, just do things so you stop excessive worry over "why you are like you are". I don't know why but my anxiety now fluctuates, it comes and goes on diff days. I am currently on herbal medication, i wont go anywhere near prescribed manufactured meds. Anyway since being out prison and now on parole, i go to youth weeks, youth festivals and tell the younger generation to pull there socks up (depending on how i feel on the day if my anxiety is bad or not i will cancel my preaching), or they will be heading in the wrong direction . Im not a bad person, i just lived a bad life, but Now i know better, im here to help people in a positive way, iv grown spiritually and psychically, life is just a constant battle between good and evil... a never ending vicious cycle.

8)


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2008)

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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

The emotional body, when clear is full of love and light and a sense of personal territory, ie the ego-boundaries of the body are well-defined, emotional energy fills the whole of the body. Lots of anger/hatred or reactivity may be related to an underlying sense of disempowerment yet to be addressed.

So address surrounding emotions, such as hatred, sadness, LOSS, futility, fear and so on....see if there is a complex driving the re-emergance of anger.

Disempowerment is key to anger....all personal negative psychology issues are disempowering.

...another idea might be to look at where you get your sense of personal power from, to compensate if you have experienced disempowerment...this is an exercise that I might do myself!!


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## Guest (Apr 7, 2008)

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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

I think you are right about disempowerment, but what to do about it is the hard part because I have a decent understanding about what has caused me to feel this way but its how to change im struglling with, I think I compensate by just zoning out and becoming spaced out so its like im not really in the disempowering situation but thats obviously not doing my life any favours.


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## Guest (Apr 8, 2008)

There are many things we can do to empower ourselves, boost self esteem and confidence. The thing is although we may feel that others have made us dis-empowered there's nothing we can do about those people, its the feelings that we've internalised that we need to work through. Being angry at those people who have hurt us only leads to more disempowerment which leads to more anger. Even if we understand why we feel this way and understand the emotional structures caused by abuse or such like is not enough because its not about what others have done to us, its about how we process emotions and our reactions to those emotions.What we have to do is find positive ways of taking back that power and control in our lives. I found setting myself challenges helped, in areas where I felt unconfident I challenged myself to do something about it. I learned new skills, basically I took back my personal power....That's why quite a while back I started a post called "Are you up to the challenge?" ...or something like that in which I asked people to set themselves small challenges and then to let us know how they got on with it... etc...but noone bothered...


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

In Hands of Light, Barbara Brennan has created several tables which describe ego-defenses and how people can begin to overcome them. It does sound like you may be a bit masochistic, Pablo, by not expressing anger, I relate strongly. But you can overcome it with understanding, and recognising that the ego-defense isn't the "real you" it is a defense, and nothing more.


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## illusivlea (Apr 2, 2008)

I had never thought about how not expressing anger could be masochistic before...

This was a constant thing that my psychotherapist would ask me "so what do you do when you get angry?". It wasn't until she asked me this and made this a focus that I realised that maybe not reacting to situations that enticed anger wasn't doing me any favours.

I also have this problem where I know now to allow myself to express anger in an appropriate way if situations arise, but have trouble dealing with anger I have about things that happened long ago. Thank you to the original poster for bringing up this topic as I have found it very interesting to read through people's thoughts on it.


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## Guest (Apr 10, 2008)

I dont think Pablo is masochistic..........I dont think anyone other than a psychiatrist should go hap hazzardly throwing those labels around on here anyway.........

Spirit.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

I had to think about whether I am masochistic and to be honest I had to look up the definition because I wasn't sure, but as far as I understand it I dont think I take pleasure from pain well not more than anybody else although there are times when I wallow in self pity and like to feel like the victim so there is an element of masochism I suppose but I wouldnt say it was a huge feature of my personality, I might not be the best judge of myself and often other people can see things much more clearly than you can yourself but I think for me its more to do with not knowing how to respond to anger and not knowing how to deal with it rather than enjoying the abuse which comes from not expressing it, although I am open to it being a problem for me and I hadnt really thought about anger in that way before.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

"keeping your anger in is self-destructive"...oh and I read that in a healing book not a psychiatric manual...I hate psychiatry....sorry....I just have to be honest...


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## Guest (Apr 10, 2008)

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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

I am passive aggressive if thats the same as masochistic I dont know, but I empathise with what you say about your dad Spirit because my mum is a bit like that in that her anger comes at me in indirect passive ways which make it very difficult to respond or defend myself and is very disempowering, sometimes its like she makes it out like I am imagining it and other times she makes me feel like it is a deserved reaction and other times its very subtle by looking at me in a funny way or making me self conscious about things or doing things I asked her not to do, but I try not to take any of my parents passive aggressive shit any more as I now recognise what it is and I am working hard at not being like that myself.

I think a lot of it is about insecurity and fear of anger because you can only really get angry at people you feel safe around, for example there are only certain people at work I can get directly angry at and they are the more gentle friendly people because I know that they wont hurt me (I know this is not a very attractive characteristic and is cowardly but at least I recognise it and am working on it) which is why people often get angry at vulnerable people like children because you wont get any bad comeback from them, but on the whole most people fear getting directly angry at anybody because you risk all sorts of consequenses by doing so like retalliation and even the complete breakdown of your relationship, but in reality getting directly angry is often the best thing for all concerned because people know exactly where you stand when you get angry so there is no insecurity on either side and it often deepens relationships. I used to say to people that I never got angry and was not an angry person but I now realise that people that say that are usually the most aggressive out of everybody but just dont realise it, but on the whole I think passive aggressiveness is epidemic in Christian countries because of the unhealthy teaching of "turn the other cheek" which people try to live by and by the teaching that aggression isnt feminine so women aren't allowed to get angry, we are now the ones who are suffering because of all that church bollox from generations ago, although if you go to the pub on a Saturday night its clear that women are breaking free of all that which is only good for the long term even if its not pretty in the short term.


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## Guest (Apr 11, 2008)

Pablo said:


> I am passive aggressive if thats the same as masochistic I dont know, but I empathise with what you say about your dad Spirit because my mum is a bit like that in that her anger comes at me in indirect passive ways which make it very difficult to respond or defend myself and is very disempowering, sometimes its like she makes it out like I am imagining it and other times she makes me feel like it is a deserved reaction and other times its very subtle by looking at me in a funny way or making me self conscious about things or doing things I asked her not to do, but I try not to take any of my parents passive aggressive shit any more as I now recognise what it is and I am working hard at not being like that myself.


Actually Pablo I have that with my mum also..Instead of expressing herself ,she will act out her emotions.This was hell when I was growing up.She would say nothing was wrong then walk around clearly angry ,banging cupboard doors ,it was like constantly being hung in suspension waiting for the bomb to off.....walking on eggshells :wink: yes I believe my mum has bpd traits...Then instead of saying what is the matter it would all erupt in this angry sometimes a bit violent outburst.........like you knew you had done something wrong but never knew what until it all exploded.....I was constantly on edge and I still get quite upset if I find myself in the middle of an argument or am even near people who are arguing........I just went totally silent for several years of my life ,I didn't know how to express my emotions properly.....then the only way I learned to express them was through angry or acting out.I thought that expressing emotions would make people angry because that's the connection that I had formed in my mind.Slowly over the years ive learned to express my feelings without so much anger.



> , but on the whole most people fear getting directly angry at anybody because you risk all sorts of consequenses by doing so like retalliation and even the complete breakdown of your relationship,


This is often a view formed in people who have difficult emotional relationships with their parents.Where the parent cant cope with childs emotions in an adequate appropriate way, so instead directly or indirectly threatens or suggests abandonment in various ways. So when we enter adult relationships we carry that idea with us, we don't express our needs or wants, we go along with what others want for fear if we don't they will abandon us, not like us etc...this is confusing not just for us but for the people we have relationships with....because we then at some point have to say what we want and that can mean suddenly changing our mind, disagreeing where we once agreed, leaving the other person feeling "what the hells going on"..



> but in reality getting directly angry is often the best thing for all concerned because people know exactly where you stand when you get angry so there is no insecurity on either side and it often deepens relationships.


The other week I had to actively angry with someone I feared being angry with[my ex partners mother].I didn't need to shout or scream, I just had to let that person know that i was not happy about something they had done and that I was angry about it. Nothing terrible happened ...they didn't stop liking me, just because I got angry with them didn't mean that I didn't care about them either. And then I had to get angry about my ex partner concerning his parenting skills or lack of, this time I did have to shout because he wont discuss things.



> I used to say to people that I never got angry and was not an angry person but I now realise that people that say that are usually the most aggressive out of everybody but just dont realise it, but on the whole I think passive aggressiveness is epidemic in Christian countries because of the unhealthy teaching of "turn the other cheek" which people try to live by and by the teaching that aggression isnt feminine so women aren't allowed to get angry, we are now the ones who are suffering because of all that church bollox from generations ago, although if you go to the pub on a Saturday night its clear that women are breaking free of all that which is only good for the long term even if its not pretty in the short term.


Agreed. It still surprises me that woman who are acertive etc..get the stigma that they are a bitch or they are on their period or they are emotional or moody or whatever else....
Fundamental christiantity does have so much to answer for...including psychological problems. Even people in the west who are not christian find themselves scared to say they don't believe in god incase their is one who will punish them for saying it-how unhealthy is that.
You hear people saying "well I believe in something but i don't know what or who that is. just that there are greater powers at work" 
To my mind they are still too scared to say "there is nothing" "i am athiest" etc.....and its buried so deep in their conditioning they cannot see it. Or they don't realise that they are allowed to examine reality for themselves instead of blindly believing. They don't understand the power that is within them and project it outwards...

Spirit.


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