# I can't have sex



## Pancthulhu (May 27, 2006)

This is extremely embarassing but here goes:
Since getting drug-induced DP five months ago I have only been able to have sex once. I've been seeing my boyfriend for two years, and he's very supportive, but I feel really really anxious when I'm intimate with him. I just can't do it.
Because I first tried weed at his house, in his room, and also had my first panic attack there, I feel very DPed when I go there.

Is this common with DP or am I even weirder than I thought I was?


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Have you tried any medication? Not that I have myself, but I am starting to think that if one suffers from anxiety to the point it interferes with your life it might be worth going on something. Right now I?m considering trying meds because I am fed up of the anxiety and the pains in my head.


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## theatreSpell (Jan 18, 2006)

Hi,

I had exactly the same experiece! Smoked up weed with my boyfriend. Had an out of body sensation. Got dp. Couldn't recognise myself. Couldn't recognise my boyfriend. Still had sex with him. Then got so paranoid in the following weeks, that I couldn't feel safe at the thought of it. It was almost like a rape reaction. But I still had sex with him. Except that everytime he came close to me I would freeze up and feel very anxious. I think this experience is pretty common. Intimacy got coloured in anxiety ridden ways. Eventually, it got better, and the anxiety wasn't as bad. But I did stop seeing him completely and this experience was a part of it.

I think you need to be very clear with your boyfriend about the way that you are feeling, so that you're not alone in this. A good way for him to relax you would be to give you a massage. A long, gentle massage, so that you can gradually relax and feel safe near him.

I hate weed now. It brought back my dp episodes and ruined my intimacy with my (pothead) boyfriend. I had PTSD for 4 months afterwards.

But, it does go away. It will take time. Just don't do weed anymore.


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## Ni Hi Li St. (Jul 1, 2006)

can't say this from firsthand experience as i don't have this problem, but what i learned in abnormal psychology class should be useful. the problem may be analogous and similar to the reason why some guys can no longer get erections during intimacy. the problem is that they get so anxious that they become spectators to their performance. as long as the goal is sex, they have trouble.

first, i must say that i'm no psychologist, but this is what my psych professor told us in class. a good solution is to spend some intimate nights together WITHOUT sex. take a bath together. look online for some massages you can do with each other (edit: lol, looks as if theatreSpell already said something like that). generally, just relax, have a good time and express your love for each other. do this for as long as you want (couple days or weeks, whatever), just don't have sex or expect any results. i know that this may sound kind of weird and maybe prudish, but there is a good reason for all this and i apologize that i cannot say more than i can right now.

if you don't decide to do this and want to understand why this first step is the way it is, you can ask if you want. i think it's important that you give it a try though.


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## Guest (Sep 8, 2006)

Chill, i havent had sex for three and a half years... it's great =S.


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

...


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

jeremy said:


> Emulated Puppet{eer said:
> 
> 
> > Chill, i havent had sex for three and a half years... it's great =S.
> ...


I agree. I mean three and a half weeks is difficult enough and that is with help.


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## jc (Aug 10, 2004)

a couple of beers and id shag a lampost


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## jeremy (Apr 28, 2006)

...


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## Absent (Oct 16, 2004)

Anything which focuses attention on my physical existence is wierd since with DPD I don't get that I HAVE a body. That includes sex. Therefore difficult.


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## Dreamland (Jun 1, 2005)

I'm very much interested in sex and don't have problems meeting woman, but the reason I'm turned off by sex the last year or so has to do with the emotional connection with sex for most woman. You're dating, everything's fine, the sex starts, and next thing you know the whole thing becomes volatile. What happened to those days when I could just date and have fun-in a committed relationship-- without everybody wanting to get married?? Help!!


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Pancthulhu,

They have found, by scanning women?s brains when they are sexually aroused, that women are able to get excited most by a man when he makes them feel safe and relaxed.

I wonder, have you come down from the dped state at all since it started? If yes, then have you tried having sex then? Have you tried anywhere else apart from his place?

I think the only way you can get this to work is if your boyfriend is very patient with you and does not demand any sex. Then, at your pace, you can do things which may lead to your wanting to get closer, like just laying together naked. If you normalised it, by sleeping together naked a lot, it might not seem like a big step to have sex.


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## mezz (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm a guy and I'm having some problems with sex. Cant just really concentrate on it and stuff.. especially when having it alone.


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## Guest (Sep 9, 2006)

miss_starling said:


> jeremy said:
> 
> 
> > Emulated Puppet{eer said:
> ...


I kinda like a type of women which is very rare.... *roll eyes*


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I get absolutley nothing out of sex. Nothing. I've slept with 30 odd women, and have reached, well, the final countdown on precisely 4 occassions. And I have no idea why, even though I am obsessed with women. This was true before DR/DP, or any medication. But I'll tell you something, SSRI's killed my sex drive dead. Utterly dead.

JC - you did have sex with a lampost mate. Remember when we won that pub quiz in Reading? We were quite pissed though, so I don't hold it against you. I had sex with the fruit machine.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

My sex drive ran rampant for a while there but then the dp/dr kicked in really bad and I couldn't enjoy it at all. My husband has always had very low drive compared to a lot of men (unfortunately I haven't) but when I was at my worst, I had a breakdown and told my husband I wanted to leave him (because of my detachment not the sex issue). For some odd reason, his drive went through the roof and I just had no desire at all (not even enough to bother with myself). The couple of times I could manage it were only out of obligation and I fell pregnant. I knew straight away that I had fallen and I wish I could say I was really excited but honestly I felt nothing at all.

Of course since my second trimester hit and my dp/dr has all but gone, my drive is back with a vengeance but my husband now has none due to everything I have put him through. Arrgh...can't win.

When my dp/dr was really bad it seemed to make sense that I couldn't enjoy sex considering I couldn't enjoy anything else...plus my physical sensations were dulled and I could hardly feel anything touching me anyway.

As for reaching the "final countdown"...well I can relate there as well. No guy has ever made me reach zero, but that has never affected my drive.

Martin...a lamp post I can understand, doesn't even seem that odd...but what the hell is a fruit machine? :shock:


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Martinelv said:


> But I'll tell you something, SSRI's killed my sex drive dead. Utterly dead.


 I was on effexor which is a snri and it totally messed up my sex life. It didnt kill my sex drive or ability to get it up but i couldnt have a goddamn orgasm. It was nearly impossible even after an hour and a half of trying.

Now abit of staying power is a good thing but an hour and a half or 2 hours is abit much. Usually i just gave up in frustration. Normally id shag just about anything and when im really depressed it's about the only thing that cheers me up. What bastard thought up a drug that would take away the one good thing left in your life.

On a side note i actually read an article where they developed a really short acting ssri to treat premature ejaculation. It's expected to hit the market soon. Goddamn drug companies will exploit any side effect. The new drug will probley cost a goddamn fortune compared to the ssri's already on the market.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

comfortably numb said:


> On a side note i actually read an article where they developed a really short acting ssri to treat premature ejaculation. It's expected to hit the market soon. Goddamn drug companies will exploit any side effect. The new drug will probley cost a goddamn fortune compared to the ssri's already on the market.


Yeah, but I heard that on average, it improved performance from 1 minute to 3.5!


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

miss_starling said:


> Yeah, but I heard that on average, it improved performance from 1 minute to 3.5!


 Lol thats a big improvement alright. 3 and a half whole minutes. They should take effexor it would stretch it out to about 3 and a half hours.

Effexor could solve every guys premature ejaculation problems. After being on effexor i envied guys who had premature ejaculation because i figured it must be nice to have sex that doesent make you feel you just ran the boston marathon.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Sorry...deleted my post...I think sometimes I just talk too much.


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## Absent (Oct 16, 2004)

Wow, sex topics are always popular here. I feel need and drive for sex but DPD takes the body with which to experience it. Fantasy is more real than actuality. Relationship is sharing the world and since I don't have that then there's no relationship and casual sex ain't for me. I've considered finding a 'rude' correspondent just to allow some acknowledgement of sexuality and not bother with anything closer which dpd steals and disappoints. Good idea? Safe, and a big raspberry to DPD.


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## Guest (Sep 14, 2006)

Epiphany said:


> Sorry...deleted my post...I think sometimes I just talk too much.


Talking is good, don't bottle you're emotions up inside of you, even if you believe you have said too much... other people will disagree and may find what you have expressed to be of some use to them selves.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

> Talking is good, don't bottle you're emotions up inside of you, even if you believe you have said too much... other people will disagree and may find what you have expressed to be of some use to them selves.


Yep EP...I agree with you 100% but my post was a little too much information than was necessary. Don't think it would have helped anyone as it was about previous sexual experiences with previous partners and I think I sometimes get a little too personal on this forum as it is.  They probably weren't exactly stories that I really needed to share here.

I don't think I've ever edited one of my posts before...I normally think about it and reread before I submit it, but think I got a little too comfortable for a second there.


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## Pancthulhu (May 27, 2006)

Thanks for the advice. I guess I should take it slowly.


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## Guest (Sep 14, 2006)

Epiphany said:


> > Talking is good, don't bottle you're emotions up inside of you, even if you believe you have said too much... other people will disagree and may find what you have expressed to be of some use to them selves.
> 
> 
> Yep EP...I agree with you 100% but my post was a little too much information than was necessary. Don't think it would have helped anyone as it was about previous sexual experiences with previous partners and I think I sometimes get a little too personal on this forum as it is.  They probably weren't exactly stories that I really needed to share here.
> ...


Sound kinky, so pm it me first *smirks* I?ll give you the advice you need in whether it's suitable or not =P.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

:lol: Hmmmm...thanks EP for the very generous offer.

Unfortunately there be a line somewhere there that I just should not cross...however much I would love to have a personal editor to call my own :wink:


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## girl_in_the_box (Aug 30, 2006)

well i am a virgin. and i cant imagine having sex with this. im thinking of celibacy. 8)


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Hi girl_in_the_box...

I like your avatar...I panicked for a split second when I read your post...I thought it was me and I couldn't remember writing that. :lol:


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## Guest (Sep 16, 2006)

Epiphany said:


> :lol: Hmmmm...thanks EP for the very generous offer.
> 
> Unfortunately there be a line somewhere there that I just should not cross...however much I would love to have a personal editor to call my own :wink:


There's never a line unless that line is your boundaries of trust, if there's something on your mind you wish to express but you're wary of whom to tell, tell me... It's not like I know you so fu*k it; I?ll counsel you... and if you act today I?ll do you the once of a life time offer which is: It be free. I like listening and that's why I?m volunteering for ReThink.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

Thanks EP...that same offer is extended right back to you.


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## Guest (Sep 17, 2006)

Thanks all the same... i dont tend to talk about my problems, i advoid them by taking on other people's problems because i can deal with them.


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## Dreamer (Aug 9, 2004)

miss starling said:


> They have found, by scanning women?s brains when they are sexually aroused, that women are able to get excited most by a man when he makes them feel safe and relaxed.


For me that's the God's honest truth. Right now my sexuality is dead as a doornail, in part because I can't find a partner such as this. I'm too tired to look, feel very unloveable.

I miss sex so much. I am a VERY sexual person with the right person. And it is indeed so comforting, so wonderful, in the past it has given me a reason to keep going.

Being 47, however, it is not as easy to find this comfort. God I miss university and my 20s and 30s. And I'm not an old hag. I have to keep telling myself that.

It's a vicious circle/cycle? for me. Not having the energy to date someone understanding, hence no intimacy of any kind, and that is killing me, so I'm more depressed and stressed.

I can't even conjure up a decent fantasy these days. I need to have a relationship to have fantasies. My fantasies have to be based on wanting the man in my life.

How long has it been? Dear GOD don't ask. Though I can have pleasure with myself. :? But I don't even have the energy fo that anymore.

Hell.
Crabby today. SOrry.

Sex is so important to all of us. It's so sad that emotional disorders get in the way. Sex is healthy, it's HEALING. For me, when it is loving comfort.

Damnit, I am crying, or rather trying not to as I'm in a library.

Sigh.
D

I hear ya' Miss Starling ... Clarice 8)


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## theatreSpell (Jan 18, 2006)

hey, some of these posts are hillarious 

yes, sex is healing. even when i started to split off from myself with the attack of dp, even despite my fear and panic, it was the sex that helped me get out of dp quickly. i was with my ex, and i was thinking - oh my god, i don't know who this person is. but another part of my brain told me - do it, get closer, as close as possible, so that i won't feel alone and scared in my head. it helped but created an relation between my ex(more his bed) and the fear and panic. however, time does heal. and yes, as some one had already mentioned in this thread - don't feel pressured into it, do it at your own pace, and your desire will grow and come back.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

I wondered why everyone was calling me Clarice...

C-lick
I?m afraid my new signiture doesn?t have the same dirty ring to it. The previous one probably said something about my fantasies, though I would obviously never sleep with a psychopath. Ironically it is always the most morally pure that I like the most. Though paradoxically I also like to feel that i am being taken advantage of. I have a truely messed up mind.



Dreamer said:


> I can't even conjure up a decent fantasy these days. I need to have a relationship to have fantasies. My fantasies have to be based on wanting the man in my life.


The solution to this is to have a crush, or several.

There?s a man in my office I am interested in - I always avoid his eye-contact etc. But today I turned around to say something to someone and when I looked around, he was there instead, we fixed eyes, unintentionally. (Exhale whilst staring into space).

Get a crush girl!


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## Absent (Oct 16, 2004)

Dreamer I recognised what you said re sexuality. I am v.sexual but cannot connect enough with my body or another person for it. I have problems with self worth now, not surprising now since dpd thwarts everything but sex would be healing - more than drugs - as it is close enough to actually give at least some sense and reassurance of actually being here. But fat chance since I can't relate one day to the next or maintain relating to another person. I recognise the cycle of isolation. I am in my 40s now. Anyway, mustn't go on but related to what you were saying.


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