# Weed withdrawal caused my derealization



## Marijuan88 (May 26, 2009)

Hello all. Without going into too much detail about my passed, I never really had a gratifying social life. When I was 17, I started experimenting with marijuana and within months became addicted. Since then friends and acquaintances either faded away, moved away, or turned on me. Pot became my one "friend" I could trust. Four years later, I realized the only way I could pull myself out of this isolation was to get clean.

Four or five days of being clean, I was taking my dog for a walk on these train tracks behind my house... I've done this nearly everyday for a few years now. Suddenly I realized things were different. Everything visually was the same, but the "feeling" that bridges the sensory input with my awareness was replaced. This feeling was no longer the one I was comfortable with, but a feeling reminiscient of a childhood dream long forgotten. Immediately I knew this was derealization...

I've experienced depersonalization before, and think it's important to distinguish the two. When my friends and I would smoke pot, immeditaley I'd feel a loss of self. I'd ask myself things like "What would I do now in this situation?... how would I react to this?... what would I say?..." I felt like a zombie just going through the motions. I'd feel like everyone was an actor, or rather what they were saying/doing was predetermined or "supposed to be." I felt like I was plopped in a scene, forced to either adlib or keep quiet/observe. Both options left me with a feeling of social inadequacy. I had also felt I experienced derealization up to this point... when I was with friends the "feeling" of a given setting would be altered. I could be with them at a certain place, then return to that place alone and have a completely different interpretation of the setting. It's sort of like going on vacation for a week, and returning to your home... you see your home setting through the feeling of the place where you vacationed. This would always fade away after a while and the usual feeling would return... however this derealization isn't going away and seems more severe than what I felt previously...

On the tracks the sun was setting, the sky was getting dark and I just felt creeped out. I loved the tracks before... it was a place where I could daydream, hope for a better future, be comfortable with myself, etc... that night I just wanted to return home asap. Inside of my house felt completely different as well. Things seemed to "pop out" a little more... I looked up my staircase into the darkness and was even more creeped out. Before I could've witnessed a ghost and would felt nothing but excitement... like anything reality throwed in my direction I already understood and hence, couldn't fear. This new reality just leaves me with a sense of uncertainty.

The next couple days was literal hell... I felt I was living the life of Emily Rose (from that Exorcist movie) but couldn't point to anything and say "there's the devil!" It was light out but everything felt so dark, almost sinister. I was watching some of my favorite television shows and they seemed flat and empty, emotionless even... I keep asking "Is this what a sober reality feels like for everyone else?.. because if it does I'll gladly take the pot." I felt once removed from a normal reality... I was baffled none of my family members felt a difference, so I just played along in this new, uncomfortable world.

Yesterday I spent the day driving around to places where the comfortable feelings had always been strong, trying to remember the feelings associated with certain settings... but it didn't matter. It was like I'm looking through life through this lense that I just want to shatter. I drove through a city I've always been comfortable in and it felt like a different world. Even in the areas around my suburban town I had to keep reminding myself where I was by backtracking in my mind, because identifying in the present was nearly impossible. Everything felt like a dream world.

I do think hapiness is the key to solving this problem... I walked passed a hot girl yesterday and greeted her which gave me a positive feeling that briefly diminished the derealization to a degree.

Anyway, that was the long weekend, I'm hoping going back to work today will help me tune back into my comfortable reality. This was kind of long but I'd appreciate anyone leaving their comments, thoughts, questions, etc. Thanks.


----------



## Broeham (Jun 7, 2009)

x


----------



## ayoungmind (Dec 19, 2013)

bump. 
Anyone else relate?


----------

