# I'm Living in Hell



## Guest (Sep 25, 2009)

My entire life I have had brief episodes of dp. I remember being like 8 years old and running to my parents telling them that I felt like I didn't know where I was. I remember being at dances and having to sit with my eyes closed, being at summer camp and dealing with this crap. In my adult like I had 2 experiences where I woke up and didn't feel awake. These always eased up after a few hours, until about a month ago. I woke up from a bad dream and couldn't tell if I was really awake or not. This sent me into a panic attack. The feeling wouldn't ease up after about an hour so I took some xanax and prozac. I honestly don't remember the rest of that day except that I ended up in the ER and took more prozac that night. Since I took 40mg and hadnt been on it for some time, I gave myself Seretonin Syndrome. The entire time I had dp/dr but chaulked it up to the overdose. I had 2 bad days and then it started to ease up. After about a week and a half I got to the point where I could function again. Truth be told though, I didn't feel 100 percent right. Last thursday and friday I was having dp/dr episodes and woke up in full blown dp/dr on Saturday morning. I have literally been in a living hell since. It went very downhill from there. By Monday I was so bad that my husband took me to the doctor. I couldn't handle the car ride there. It made it worse. When I was there, I couldn't open my eyes. Everything looked strange. I couldn't respond to people when they talked to me. I laid on my back on the exam table staring at a fixed spot on the ceiling with tears streaming down my face while the doctor asked me questions. I could manage to tell her that I felt like I didn't know where I was, who the people around me were, that this didn't seem like reality, that it felt like I wasn't really awake and everything seemed like a movie. I was having panic attacks and episodes of not feeling like I was real. As a matter of fact, I still feel exactly this way. She gave me Abilify to start taking. It seemed to start improving things a little the first 2 days. Things didnt look like they were in a fog anymore and for moments I felt like I was real. By the 3rd day I started feeling horrible. I was having constant panic attacks and the dp/dr got worse. I felt like passing out and like I was going to die. My husband called the doctor and they cut my dose in half, which last night was the first night I started that. This morning I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday. Still, all of the dp/dr symptoms are there. It literally feels like I am stuck in a living hell. I still feel like I don't know where I'm at and that this isn't reality. I'm feeling disconnected from myself. I keep having periods where I lose time. I will be sitting there and then suddenly realize that I spaced out only it is like I black out because I have no memory of what I saw/did in that period.

Honestly, I am so scared right now. This feeling is terrifying and is causing me massive anxiety, which I know is only contributing to the dp/dr. Will this ever end?


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

you've come to the right place. don't worry. you're in good hands. i recommend reading posts in the regaining reality, and on the road to recovery sections. there are a lot of helpful tips, and encouraging messages in there. welcome to the community, that no one ever wanted to be a part of. :lol:


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I wish I knew the magic words to say to snap you out of it, so to speak. Everyone's experience with DP is different, so I can't tell you what's going to happen next. But as Tommy so succinctly put it, you're in a good place. This forum has been a lifesaver for me. The first time I had DP, I thought I was going insane. It's a very strange feeling to have. I'm so relieved to have put a name to it. The only thing I can recommend is to educate yourself the best you can -- 2 books that have been helpful to me are "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weekes and "Unraveling" by Janine Baker. They can be comforting when you feel like you're at your worst. I'd also recommend looking into seeing a therapist who specializes in DP, and if the medications aren't working for you, try something new. Medications that are a godsend to some people can be a nightmare for others, because everyone's brain chemistry is different. Antidepressants take about a month, give or take, to kick in, so if you're not seeing some benefit after that time, try switching to something else. In the meantime, try to surround yourself with supportive people, like the ones you'll find here.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi! I wanted to suggest you read about dissociation in general (if that doesn't scare you too much right now) as it makes the "frame" so to speak, around what you feel a little looser, and might make it easier for you when you feel something not described as a DP symptom. At first I was relieved finding out about DP, but at times I've wondered if it's really what I have and it's scared the crap out of me. Reading about dissociation and traumas, I've come to see how stress in various degrees will make anyone dissociate or distance themselves mentally from a situation, and it's a huge comfort.

In a while you'll feel better than you do right now, you just have to try and control the one thing you can; your fear of the symptoms. If you can get to a point where you manage to observe whatever sensations you have without getting sucked in, it will help you with the worst anxiety hopefully.


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## thinkpositive (Dec 31, 2009)

Hey there, I've had my Dp for a while and I got it the exact same way as you. I woke up out of my sleep, standing up crying (probably a panic attack in my sleep) the first thing I noticed was that I wasn't feeling fully awake, just like you. I hoped that feeling would go away by morning but it didn't, mainly because I was panicking about it constantly, constantly thinking about it. Also, your mention of spacing out and sort of having no memory of it, if you consciously try to remember what happened, maybe you will remember. I have moments where I feel like I didn't do anything the entire day and have Also I believe that a lot of the, "spacing out," may be spent worrying/analyzing your feeling Depersonalized, unreal, not fully awake, etc. I'm not saying that's the case I'm just giving you some suggestions based on what I've experienced. You should look into the Linden Method, it's not just another bullshit doctor. http://www.panic-anxiety.com/, read all of it, it sounds like it could help you a lot. I am ordering it soon, good luck.


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