# Thought I Was Crazy, But Now I Know, And Fight!



## Brian V. (Jan 24, 2012)

Hello All!

I have been reading on this forum for quite sometime, and I must say it has helped me through some pretty tough times. Anyways I would like to share my story of depersonalization and my current struggles with it.

1st things 1st. I'm 17 years old, and am in quite normal health. I have always suffered from small batches of anxiety, but nothing I couldn't handle. Anyways one day me and a friend smoked some marijuana (I had smoked a dozen times in the past without any problems) and all I remember is everything zoned out of reality to the point I forgot just about everything. To date it was the most extreme case of DP I have ever felt.(it was also the first) I lost track of time, and my vision had become so distorted that it appeared as everything was in a sense "repeating itself". Considering I had no idea what the hell was happening to me, I kept freaking out which just made it all the worse. I was completely physically numb, my senses didn't exist. I became sure that I had gone insane and must of been Schizophrenic. I kept freaking out so bad that I went to the hospital, in which they simply said it was a "Panic Attack". This made me feel worse considering they had no idea how out of mind I was, for god sakes I thought I wasn't making any sense at all but somehow completely coherent to the naked eye! Luckily after that night the episode seemed to fade away and I felt normal again but completely unsure scared and confused to what the hell happened but figured I was a bad drug experience, although I knew deep down that couldn't of been it considering my friend was just fine.

Two weeks of a normal life went by, and then I became obsessed over what happened that night and i kept thinking of those feeling over and over again. Since I never got any answers I was positive I had to be schizophrenic, all these things and confusion just added more fear to me..I became depressed and confused and a shell to my once outgoing self..It was at this point things took a turn for the worse and the experience of the marijuana night repeated itself this time out of nowhere.

I woke up one morning, and I felt again like I was dreaming, everything was foggy and distorted..my fears and panic of it only made it worse, I remember going yet again to the ER only for them to tell me nothing was wrong with me, and that I was completely sane, and it was just yet again a "Panic Attack". The power of this thing had grown into a monster from my fears of it..It got to the point that everything was delayed..sight and sound didn't seem to match, I recall hitting my fist off the table and hearing the sounds of it super delayed..I figured I had lost my mind, and there was no hope at all..my parents had no idea what to do, everyone in my life was worried I was f**ked. After 3 days of this dream like sensory hell state, I became so pissed off and discouraged, that my mind gave out and said "F**k it, if this is me now, so be it." it was at that moment a split second of normal senses came back, I jumped up with excitement and began to look at my hands and move them and say, "this is me" "I'm in control" I said this over and over again almost constantly I convinced myself it was getting better and with in three days, I felt normal again.

Soon after I finally got into see a Dr. he prescribed me Zoloft which does seem to help with the obsessive anxiety based factor of DP, and began seeing a therapist who confirmed my story and experiences as Depersonalization. It took over a month of hell and suffering and misdiagnosis for me to even get any answers, but I finally did.

So here I am 3 months later..back in school, back to my normal life pretty much..Don't smoke pot after that considering it clearly was a trigger. but I am still dealing with a lot more milder episodes of DP, such as currently, but the key is don't give this thing fear it gets stronger from that, remain calm, and keep clear mindful thoughts on your mind. stay busy, continue to leave your house. anyways Ill be on this forum often now and below is a list of my symptoms past and present and ways that help me cope with them.

Symptoms:
- A Dream Like Sense Of Reality
- A Visual Fog
- Dizziness
- Mind Separate From The Body
- A General Visual Distortion
- Detachment
- Voice Sounding Distant/A Bit Different
- Mild Numbness

Severe Symptoms: (fed/caused by fear)
- Sight And Sound Not Matching Up Right
- Visual Skips Or Repeats
- A Frame By Frame Reality
- Severe Numbness
- Completely Out Of It

What Helped Me:
- Mindfulness
- Stopping My Negative Thoughts
- Telling Myself "This is my body, Im in control"
- Deep Breathing Relaxation
- Changing My "What Ifs": such as "What If It Becomes Debilitating Again" too "What if It Doesn't, What If I'm In Control"
- Keeping Busy
- Force Through The Anxiety And Fears - DONT SHUT YOURSELF DOWN IN BED!
- Therapist
- Tobacco (not healthy, but relaxing)

Hope this story and information could help someone, because I know what the awful side of this looks like, and its a living hell..

Keep fighting with me!
Brian


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## Keebz (Jan 22, 2012)

Really nice post, bet its guna give hope to lots of people


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## Brian V. (Jan 24, 2012)

Keebz said:


> Really nice post, bet its guna give hope to lots of people


Thanks Man







, Im probally gonna move to the recovery thread but also leave it here for now..


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Thanks for mentioning mindfulness, more people should try it!

You're lucky you only had a month of miss diagnosis. I had 6 or 7 years. Thankfully therapists are somewhat more familiar with dissociation now


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## juls09 (Jan 25, 2012)

this is so insiring. bc i am only 21 and was just told i have this i also droped out of school. this makes me feel so hopeful you have no idea.


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