# A bad case? not DP at all? I'm so confused...



## jeanie82 (Nov 6, 2006)

Have been lurking around this site for the past 2 months, since the day my life got tipped arse over. Thought it best I introduce myself and put my story out there...

I've always been over sensitive, always been a deep thinker, always been prone to getting mildly depressed and extremely anxious. But this year, things really started going well for me, I was kicking arse at my job, got a promotion, had a great group of mates and a great boyfriend, was going out heaps and loving life. And thats where things went wrong- I started taking ecstasy more and more often this year, as things got better and better I kept doing it, thinking I was on top of everything, if my friends could handle it so could i right? WRONG. In September I had a particularly big night, and this night was different to the others. I have memory loss, I got really confused and disorientated, paranoid, and generally felt really out of it. It took me a few days to recover but I did think I had recovered. It was 5 days later when I started to feel like I was floating out of my body. This, understandably, scared the shit out of me, I left work thinking I was coming down with some weird flu. By the time I got home I was getting increasingly anxious and was starting to really freak out. I went outside to get some air, looked up at the trees and LOST IT. The trees looked CRAZY, like I had taken acid (not that I have taken acid but I can imagaine what trees would look like if i did). In the following weeks things got more and more screwed up - I couldn't eat or sleep, I just didn't go to work at all, my parents had to come and take me home to the country to recover. After finally seeing a psych and being put on Xanax, Zyprexa and Lexapro (mmm, cocktail) I have got back some level of functioning but in some ways I feel I have gotten worse. My symptoms list is as follows...

Physical symptoms

At the beginning, tingling sensation over neck and head and rash accross face
Racing heart
Muscle twitches
Headaches, particularly around temples
Feeling of pressure in head
Ears constantly need to pop
Difficulty swallowing
Sick in the stomach
Sometimes I feel physcial pain all over, like if it goes on for a second longer I just won't be able to take it...

Mental symptoms

Feel disconnected from my sense of self - no idea who I am
blunted emotions
frequent crying spells
totally vague out when people are talking to me
spaced out feeling all the time
panic and anxiety often, even though medicated
CAN NOT concentrate or focus on anything
increasingly severe memory loss
things look just a bit "off" - like I am stoned. I don't get the "video game/TV" vision though. colours are brighter, movement really disturbs me (like trees in the wind especially)
constant mind chatter - my obsessive mind needs something to occupy it all the time. 95% of the time this is obsessing over whats wrong with me. the other 5% of the time its useless obsessive stuff like hacing to count to 100, or singing a song over and over
difficulty doing the simplest tasks
poor coordination
Feel completely socially distanced. have nothing to say to people cause i'm so in my head.

Well i keep reminding myself that its only been 2 months and things can only get better. I keep thinking in time, my head will get sick of obsessing constantly and just give up. Cause being trapped in this crazy mind is no fun at all. But I just don't know how to lessen these symptoms, and I am beginning to feel hopeless. I wasn't depressed at first but I'm becoming more and more depressed now...

Sometimes I'm not even sure if I have DP. Maybe it's OCD. Maybe it's GAD. Can you get this many disorders so suddenly from a bad ecstasy experience? Am I brain damaged? Where did my freaking life dissappear to so quickly?

Would love to hear from anyone with advice or just to chat. Thanks for reading xx


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## Kms14 (Nov 24, 2006)

Hi I am new to this site too and am not sure if I have dr/dp either. I get panic attacks and have been having them for the last 3 years or so.
Some of your feeling physical and mental remind me of how I feel when I get a panic attack. Are you feeling all of these symptoms all the time 24/7 or just somethimes? Im not sure whether the drugs have anything to do with it as I have never taken drugs myself. But you should definately see a phycologist or a GP and get checked out so you can get some help and find out whats going on with you, because one of the scariest things is not knowing whats happening to you or why its happening. But always remember it WILL get better.


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## jeanie82 (Nov 6, 2006)

The physical stuff comes and goes, sometimes i have no headaches and no pressure in my head and sometimes it's bad. I will go up and down about 50 times a day, changing my mind constantly about what is or isn't wrong. The mental symptoms are present 99% of the time. As I said, it has only been 2 months so I am hoping some of these symptoms will fade with time but the longer it goes on, the worse i seem to get...


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## chiendeguerre (Nov 12, 2006)

Hi

I think i had my first adult experience of mental incspacity on a ecstacy.

I think it may have been an acid laced ecstacy. all the shutters opened and i wasn't an adequately developed person to be able to handle it.

Some people go their whole lives without ever noticing reality I suspect. I really dont know what I would like to be somtimes. An average Joe oblivious to reality happy to shoot my gun and laugh at the unfortunates or to be wide awake to the terror that is reality but know that, at least i am awake.

Everything is brighter to me, smells are stronger, lights are brighter and colours are more vivid but when i am down i want the whole world and every fkr in it to blow up in a ball of fire.

I am a Human Being and I know I have a soul cos its in pain, I'm not just an avatar.


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## closetome (Nov 16, 2006)

I've been experiencing this sense of sinister foreboding, something very dark, like an old horror movie. My nervous ticks have got worse. And to a certain extent I also feel like someone is watching me....can anyone relate to this?

My tension headache has gone. Is this a sign that things are starting to get better?


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## chiendeguerre (Nov 12, 2006)

> I've been experiencing this sense of sinister foreboding


This is what has happened to me. I feel that I may have been deluded, living in an alternate reality conjured out of childhood fantasies i created to hide the absence of any real or loving parenting.

When the weight of actual reality became too much for my fantasy reality to bare, the facade crumbled and i was left contemplating actual reality.

It becomes a bit more complicated now but to try and put it simply and in order to avoid any deep and convoluted explanations of my psyche I'll just confine myself to saying I became a human being. A dirty, clean, good, evil, normal, extraordinary, civil, rude, funny, miserable...etc., you get the picture.

I too get an incredibly dark sense of foreboding and I am constantly aware of an impending disaster that is about to befall my country and myself. But, honest to god, I think this is a normal state of affairs.

When I tried to occupy my mind in order to offset the torrent of reality I was trying to acclimatise myself to, I discovered something that helped me to understand the madness.

There is no such thing as "normal". It is a purely relative term. Everything is normal. War is normal, Peace is extraordinary. The world is a seething mass of turmoil and contradictions and all people are merely trying to avoid the pitfalls in the best way they are able. Some do it by perpetrating incredible acts of violence and destruction while others do it by performing selfless acts of courage and sacrifice. It all serves the same purpose. It all serves the machine. Even us as our souls twist in grotesque contortions trying to negotiate this vile affliction are contributing to the divine symphony. Honest to God, I feel like I have evolved, I feel like "Depersonalization" and "Derealization" are definitions which, together with their explanations have provided a way of understanding what is a "natural" state of mind. To illustrate, Nothing that occurs naturally is unatural. The mind can cope with this shit, it just needs to be controlled. When you are a child you learn how to control your limbs and over time you become so attuned to your body it feels as though your body is you. The mind is a more complicated and peculiar device. I sometimes make the comparison of my breakdown and recuperation to a second birth. I imagine that my birth must have been an incredibly painful and traumatic experience which I had to endure because I had no choice. I couldn't live my life in the safe and confortable environment of my mothers womb. And so it has been with my mental breakdown and reconstruction. I couldn't continue to live in that deluded and imaginary reality in which I was safe and comfortable. It just wasn't tenable.

Oh my Gawd. I am such a drama queen. I have got completely carried away and as usual, thought that i could use you fellas to become an unwitting audience to this shameless attention seeker. Apologies, but I am still gonna post this cos I get a sense fo fulfillment from doing it.

To conclude though and to come back to closetome's post, I think and feel that this sense of foreboding is, for lack of a better word, "normal". After all we are all going to die one day, I can't think of a more fitting way in which to "realistically" contemplate our collective fate. I mean, how else is one to think about that?

P.J.
[/quote]


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## closetome (Nov 16, 2006)

How are you doing now Jeanie?


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## johnny1m (Nov 13, 2006)

I have been experiencing the same as you but I do not take drugs. Been to neuorologist, opthomologist, allergy, infectious diease, optho-neurologist and ear/nose/throat - all bllod, stool, brain scans are clean. Phsyc. syas its stress/anxiety. On paxil for 8 weeks now, and feeling better but the physical symptoms are still tere. Hang in there.


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## jeanie82 (Nov 6, 2006)

Hey guys,

Doing much better now but not great. Does that make sense? I have noticed my memory and concentration has improved, which is a relief. It's still shocking but not non existant like before. Most of my physical symptoms has subsided - the pressure in the head and twitches have gone, thank god.

I still get songs stuck in my head all day long. Drives me crazier than I already am.

You know what it really feels like is a big fat come down. The recognition that I am not invincible, that I am not always in complete control, that I am vulnerable - psychologically vulnerable even. That, I am still struggling with.

I think about DP all the time. That's my biggest problem now. I can be happy, I can enjoy myself, I can work and play and so on, but it's always there, in the background. And sometimes, foreground.

I am by no means recovered. But recovering, yes.

Hope you guys are too.


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## jeanie82 (Nov 6, 2006)

wow, i only just properly read chiendeguerre's post. I don't think i was up to it last time i visited this thread. the sense of foreboding being normal... i think this is really interesting. Last night I was talking to my dad on the phone, my grandmother, his mum, is dying from lung/breast cancer. He doesnt always show his emotion but he got pretty upset on the phone last night. He told me he has started a journal and the first thing he wrote in it was

Life is a Death Sentence.

I told him I thought I'd seen that somewhere before and if he's gunna keep a journal he should at least try to be original. lol, jk. But then we had this conversation about death, and how it's like the human brain can never comphrehend that death will actually happen, that it will ever actually end. And any human brain that CAN comprehend it, goes crazy. Cause the very comprehension of it is just TOO MUCH. And yet, it is the one thing in life that will happen to every single one of us and is for certain.

I don't really know what I am trying to say. Get it?


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## Guest (Jan 6, 2007)

.....


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## closetome (Nov 16, 2006)

I don't really know what to say apart from I seem to be going through depression. I really have got so much better but every week new symtoms seem to appear. I have this strange thing happen when I'm going to sleep like a nightmare, a feeling of being trapped, confused. I'm exhausted form all the swimming and jogging i've done. I've got this weird "weak vision" thing going on (thats the only way I can describe it) and my head feels really heavy like I'm going to faint. I cant stop "ticking" I think I might have a mild case of OCD. Would love to talk here with someone.

In the words of Biggie Smalls

"My life is played out like a jerry curl"

http://www.myspace.com/uponthesun


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