# Everything Is Dim. Clear but Dim.



## Guest (Apr 2, 2010)

I cannot seem to grasp that awake feeling today. I didn't get to bed until like 1:30 am and fought myself awake at 9. It was one of those mornings where I couldn't keep my eyes open, kept drifting back to sleep. Normally, I can get on the computer and reading webpages wakes my brain up and I feel actually awake and alert. I have dp but for me it is not longer like being completely asleep. Everything just doesn't feel real. Well today, I can't seem to "wake up". It's weird because everything seems dim. Even with bright lights on, everything around me seems dim.

Yesterday I had another appointment with a new social worker. I went to see one on Monday and he totally had no idea about dp. This one does. She treated a friend of mine IRL who had dp and is recovered now, so I was like "sign me up". Anyway, she seems really great. She gave me grounding exercises to do. I had been presented with them and declined them in the past because they made me more aware of myself and I would freak out more. But these were not self focused. She told me, for instance, to sit and observe everything in the room around me, naming things about them but not dwelling on any one thing too long. She had me do it in her office and it really honestly did make me feel more aware. Generally, everything around me just fades into the background. It's a big blur but looking around the room and naming details really helped me to feel in a room instead of in a fuzzy painting. She said that the important thing is to keep bringing your brain into the present. The present moment and place, even if you do still feel like its a dream. She said to get a spray bottle and keep it filled with water in the fridge. When I am having really bad dp, I am supposed to go to the fridge and spray myself in the face 3 times and then start with the naming stuff. I also am supposed to blast myself with cold water at the end of a shower. Apparently all of these things bring you into the present moment. She is a Cognative Behavioral Therapist and in talking to her, we are pretty much on the same level in our understanding of Dp, so I am looking forward to seeing how she can help.

One thing she brought up, which I had already came to realize, is that the klonopin is not helping but hindering my progress. I was worried a month or two back that the klonopin would stop my recovery somehow. I thought about stoppping it because, the first time I recovered, I did it without any medications. I felt like I wanted to FEEL recovery happen and not be numbed out, but my anxiety was massive and it, honestly, has become a crutch. I am up to taking .25 mg 3 times a day and when I am on the klonopin, I am numbed out, sleepy, forgetful. When the klonopin wears off, the 3d vision comes back and I can actually tell that things are real. Like not just that they look real but they ARE REAL. I decided a couple of days earlier that I want to wean myself off of the klonopin. I started taking Sublingual b complex and vitamin d and it has helped SO much. I think that I am going wean myself off the klonopin and then use Valerian root in times of massive anxiety. I read on the bottle that it pretty much has the same effects as a benzo. I do know that I need to go off it slowly. I've been down the withdrawl road with Ativan a couple years back. Anyway, it just makes sense to me that I'm never going to know if I'm recovered or recovering if I am numbed out on benzos all of the time.


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## 2deepathinker (Aug 17, 2009)

tinyfairypeople said:


> I cannot seem to grasp that awake feeling today. I didn't get to bed until like 1:30 am and fought myself awake at 9. It was one of those mornings where I couldn't keep my eyes open, kept drifting back to sleep. Normally, I can get on the computer and reading webpages wakes my brain up and I feel actually awake and alert. I have dp but for me it is not longer like being completely asleep. Everything just doesn't feel real. Well today, I can't seem to "wake up". It's weird because everything seems dim. Even with bright lights on, everything around me seems dim.
> 
> Yesterday I had another appointment with a new social worker. I went to see one on Monday and he totally had no idea about dp. This one does. She treated a friend of mine IRL who had dp and is recovered now, so I was like "sign me up". Anyway, she seems really great. She gave me grounding exercises to do. I had been presented with them and declined them in the past because they made me more aware of myself and I would freak out more. But these were not self focused. She told me, for instance, to sit and observe everything in the room around me, naming things about them but not dwelling on any one thing too long. She had me do it in her office and it really honestly did make me feel more aware. Generally, everything around me just fades into the background. It's a big blur but looking around the room and naming details really helped me to feel in a room instead of in a fuzzy painting. She said that the important thing is to keep bringing your brain into the present. The present moment and place, even if you do still feel like its a dream. She said to get a spray bottle and keep it filled with water in the fridge. When I am having really bad dp, I am supposed to go to the fridge and spray myself in the face 3 times and then start with the naming stuff. I also am supposed to blast myself with cold water at the end of a shower. Apparently all of these things bring you into the present moment. She is a Cognative Behavioral Therapist and in talking to her, we are pretty much on the same level in our understanding of Dp, so I am looking forward to seeing how she can help.
> 
> One thing she brought up, which I had already came to realize, is that the klonopin is not helping but hindering my progress. I was worried a month or two back that the klonopin would stop my recovery somehow. I thought about stoppping it because, the first time I recovered, I did it without any medications. I felt like I wanted to FEEL recovery happen and not be numbed out, but my anxiety was massive and it, honestly, has become a crutch. I am up to taking .25 mg 3 times a day and when I am on the klonopin, I am numbed out, sleepy, forgetful. When the klonopin wears off, the 3d vision comes back and I can actually tell that things are real. Like not just that they look real but they ARE REAL. I decided a couple of days earlier that I want to wean myself off of the klonopin. I started taking Sublingual b complex and vitamin d and it has helped SO much. I think that I am going wean myself off the klonopin and then use Valerian root in times of massive anxiety. I read on the bottle that it pretty much has the same effects as a benzo. I do know that I need to go off it slowly. I've been down the withdrawl road with Ativan a couple years back. Anyway, it just makes sense to me that I'm never going to know if I'm recovered or recovering if I am numbed out on benzos all of the time.


I love that there is a professional that knows about DP, and actually is giving you some actual things to do to help you when you have bad DP. I want to try those things as well (spray bottle, etc). I think it is interesting that when one has DP, one needs to be grounded. I am really into that idea myself. I have always been more etheric and daydreamy when I was a child and adult (before the DP). Now I have just taken that to a whole new level with dissociating. Thanks for sharing all of this.

I don't know how much medication you are on, but I haven't gone that route yet. I may very soon since I have been feeling pretty bad. I am not really excited due to possible side effects. I also get anxiety. My panic attacks sometimes happen when I am too tuned into what my body is doing and I freak out. When I get panic attacks, I tend to go into DP. My point being that if I have to deal with side effects of a medication, I can definitely see how it would be a hinderance.


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