# My Story and how I Beat Depersonalization and how to Deal with Panic Attacks



## AlexaB (Jul 6, 2012)

Dealing with Depersonalization and Panic Attacks​
Depersonalization Disorder is a disease that affects fewer than 200,000 people in the United States. Unfortunately, I am one of these people. One of the things that commonly goes along with Depersonalization Disorder are Panic Attacks. Panic Attacks are common to have, but are still not widely known. They only affect 1 in 113 people. Depersonalization is a disorder that makes a person feel disconnected from the world and feel like they're not even in their body. It is extremely hard to put into words, but it's like being in a movie, and having no control over anything. On top of that, while going through this scary sensation, some people may have panic attacks. Panic attacks happen differently for everyone. As for myself, I feel a sudden surge of anxiety; my heart starts racing; and I feel as if I am going crazy and will never snap out of it! Experiencing a panic attack is the scariest feeling I have ever been through in my life. Fortunately, neither of these conditions can cause one any physical harm; however, they can be mentally exhausting and stressful. They always come when least expected so the not knowing completely limits a person.

Depersonalization is usually caused by drug abuse, a traumatic life event, or chemical imbalances in the brain. The most common drug that causes Depersonalization is Marijuana. After taking the drug, the next day a person begins to have symptoms of Depersonalization, and jumps to the conclusion that they have brain damage. Their stress levels increase, especially when they realize their buddies, the people they smoked with, did not have a similar reaction. Depersonalization can also be caused by a traumatic life event. Such as being abused when you were younger, the death of a loved one, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Traumatic life events often bring about high levels of stress in our lives. High levels of stress cause one's brain to want to detach from their emotions. When one's brain detaches from their emotions, it causes them to have Depersonalization symptoms. The last thing that is known to cause Depersonalization is chemical imbalances in one's actual brain, which is what the doctors think caused mine. Your brain is an important organ of your body, and when there isn't the right amount of chemicals your brain can play tricks on you. It is a lovely organ, but has its disadvantages sometimes.

Panic Attacks are often a side effect of Depersonalization. Depersonalization can cause a person to overanalyze themselves to the point that they don't feel real. Feeling like you do not exist can be the cause for much panic. I think sometimes I have Panic Attacks due to this condition. With most of my Panic Attacks, I have always feared I was going to lose control of my body and not come back out of it. The problem with Panic Attacks is that after you have one, you have a constant fear of having one again, which causes more Panic Attacks. Constantly being afraid of having a Panic Attack is mentally exhausting. Panic Attacks are the result of heightened anxiety and come out of the blue. I never know when one is going to happen, and there isn't a certain situation that causes it.

When I was little I was extremely close to my grandpa; however, he died when I was five years old. Shortly after this I was diagnosed with my first mental illness. It was called General Anxiety Disorder. Losing my grandpa wasn't the only one who heightened my anxiety; my mom was a part of it too. She has Multiple Sclerosis, and when I was younger, she relapsed a lot. She had to use a walker everywhere she went, and was constantly in pain. I had to go through some pretty rough things that most children don't have to go through at the age of 5.

When I was in elementary school I was different from everyone else due to my anxiety disorder. I used to worry about absolutely everything, from getting tape worms to having a heart attack. These are not normal fears to have as a 2nd grader. Constant worrying also gave me bad stomachaches, which then caused me to worry that I was getting sick. The fear I might be sick led me to the nurse's office every day at school. This is no exaggeration. My mom even would give me gifts if I was able to stay out of the nurse's office for a week. The school faculty got to know me very, very well, and every day they would take my temperature. My temperature was always normal. They knew I was suffering from an anxiety disorder, so instead of forcing me back to class, they worked with me to make me feel better and helped me know that there was nothing wrong. Unfortunately, it would all start over again the next day, and yet they never showed me any kind of frustration for my interrupting their day.

In third grade I started going to see a therapist every Tuesday. This excited me because it meant escaping from school for a little over an hour. My anxiety was so bad during elementary school that I remember describing school as a jail. I felt there was no way a therapist was going to help me. It took a couple of years and I was in 7th grade when it was finally gone, and I could stop taking an anti-anxiety med. I wish I could say it just ended there, but it didn't.

In July before my sophomore year, I was camping with my family at our land that we have in Adams County. I got up to go to the bathroom, and while I was in the outhouse I had a Panic Attack. I knew it should go away, but instead, the high-anxiety feelings would stay with me for a few months before I would get help. On the day, during the Panic Attack I ran to the trailer from the bathroom. My whole body was shaking. It was night so I climbed onto the couch and closed my eyes. Closing one's eyes while having a Depersonalization episode makes a person feel like they literally falling off a cliff. Like someone's plummeting from reality out of existence, into an endless pit until they eventually fall asleep. Sometimes even when I'm sleeping, I have dreams about having Panic Attacks.

The height of my battle with Depersonalization happened during my sophomore year. It got so bad it felt like I was constantly experiencing an out-of-body experience. I felt like I could literally disconnect myself at any moment and someone would just find me lying around, and I would be mindless, forgetting I even existed. I remember having about ten Panic Attacks a day. I can barely deal with one now. I also had no sense of time. I would actually have to look outside to figure out what time of day it was, and that still didn't feel totally right. It was a living hell, and no one around me knew I was going through this battle. I had told my mom about the symptoms I had been feeling in the beginning of the year, but she kind of just brushed it off, saying all the symptoms I was feeling were perfectly normal. I somehow dealt with the feelings on my own without anyone knowing. It just became too much to bear after a while. Like I said before, it was a living hell. One day I just broke down and told my mom again. Initially, my mom made me take daily vitamins like Magnesium and Vitamin D, which are supposed to help lower anxiety levels. It did help, but not to the point I needed them to do. So my mom set up a doctor's appointment and I was put on medication. The medication was designed to help balance the chemicals in the brain. It took six weeks to finally start working. It was a very hard six weeks, I was praying I had found a solution, but it was taking a long time to work and I didn't know if it really would or not.

My mom also set me up to go back to therapy. This time it didn't work. The therapists hadn't dealt with episodes of Depersonalization yet. Talking about my situation didn't make it any better; sometimes it made it worse. Focusing on the disorder actually increases the anxiety that goes along with it. After meeting with the therapist a couple of times with little or no progress, we decided to give up on that. I just continued along and would break down occasionally due to being unsure about what to do next.

One day I decided to actually get out of the house and go to the farmer's market with my parents. During that period in time, I was deathly afraid of being in vehicles. I had one of my biggest panic attacks a couple of weeks before on our way to the County Fair. This made going anywhere an extremely difficult task. I would usually have to be in a car at least once a day and somehow managed to do it. I was extremely stressed out. At the farmer's market the first thing we saw was a lady standing by a table. Her table was for Medical Hypnotism. Medical hypnotism is often used to help people lose weight, quit smoking, ease pain, and to relieve stress. My parents agreed that I should definitely try it, since I was running out of options.

Hypnotism doesn't work like magic, like one would hope it would. Hypnotism instead is all about changing one's way of thinking. To my surprise even after the first session I felt much better.

After a couple of sessions I was able to get back on my feet. I even started feeling "normal" again. No longer was I constantly worried I was going to slip into another panic attack. I still do get Panic Attacks occasionally, and have anxiety levels that are higher than normal, but I am 100% better than I was three years ago. Whether it was the power of prayer, the medication finally taking full effect, or hypnotism, my episodes of Depersonalization have almost vanished.

If you do get a Panic Attack here are some things to do. A person can focus on a piece of jewelry they may be wearing. They can think about the colors and the texture, or how it feels. By doing this, their thoughts remain in the present, instead of getting stuck in the past. Another thing someone can do is one of their friends is close by try to go talk to them and focus on what they are saying. This will also pull them back into the present. If none of their friends are around, they can take out their phone and call someone. In the past, when I was driving somewhere and felt panicky I would call my mom. Make sure that there are certain people that know that you might have to call them so it's not completely unexpected and they know how to handle it. To handle it the person on the other side of the phone should ask questions about the person's day or ask them about future plans they have. The best thing is for the person not suffering from the Panic Attack to bring up things that make the person happy. They can basically talk about anything as long as it's not about what's going on with the victim's panicky feelings.

Another thing that they actually taught me in therapy was using the "Five Senses Method". This method is most useful when someone else is around to help, but can also be done alone if needed. The person not having the panic attack will tell the person having the panic attack to name 3 things they see, then three things they hear, until they get through all of the five senses. Next, go through the process again, except this time naming two things they see, then two things they hear, and so on. By doing this the person having the panic attack is focusing on their environment in the present. This helps them confirm, that yes, they are living. Another thing that helps for a person to do is breathe deeply and telling themselves over and over in your head, "I'm okay." For me personally I am a big fan of Yoga, and I find that it helps me a lot. Yoga isn't for everyone, though. Many people though say it hurts too much, or aren't flexible enough.

This has honestly been one of my toughest papers to write. By going through the process of typing up this paper, some of my old stressful feelings came back. I actually had to do some of the above solutions I wrote above in my paper. However, I know it was really healing to write this paper, and I hope that in the future people can benefit from it, since there aren't many places where you can get information about this condition. I know it was really hard for me to find anything, but I'm just grateful I never gave up looking for answers. If I were still be enduring 10 panic attacks a day like I was in my sophomore year of High School, I know I would have never left for college, and I don't think I could have even worked anywhere or led much of a social life. It's a great lesson to never give up or to never give in! I pray this makes others dealing with this disorder have HOPE that they too can take their lives back!


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