# existential terror



## martymart1979 (Jun 12, 2016)

Not sure if this is the place for this, but I was just wondering if fear of aging and death are part of DR? I have this non stop dread/panic thinking of the fact that death, aging and loss are coming and there is no way to stop it. I also have fears of just existing. It's miserable. Has anyone existing this and gotten through? I'm 36. Not old or young. I am just living in constant fear and the dread is unbearable... I've developed a nihilistic outlook on life...


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

this is exactly what I'm going through and have been for weeks. Every thing I do or anybody else does just seems pointless. All we're doing is passing the time each day continuously until we die. The whole purpose of our existence is pointless. I have a feeling of dread and anxiety 24x7


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## Guest (Jun 13, 2016)

I was born the same year as you marty, and often have the same thoughts. Time speeds up and there's more grey hairs on my head. I now get these random aches and pains that I've heard is a sure sign of aging. I don't know what it's all been for, all the struggle, and find it harder to see a future where my simple hopes of an ordinary life might be realized. I think it is a difficult time of life where you can no longer hold onto the dreams of your youth. I've often also felt terrible fear of existing and existence. I would see regular people living their lives and couldn't understand why they weren't terrified!

Perhaps it is an adjustment, I don't know. They say after a certain age people become more accepting and happy in themselves and their lives. It is hard not to think it is all pointless, but I guess maybe that has the potential to be liberating, I hope so. Perhaps it's not so much the way things are but the perspective that colors how we look at things, and if we are not well, depressed and anxious, that defines how we see life, and that's often characteristic of the illness itself. Recognizing it as subjective and not believing it is not always easy though.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

You used the term fear of existing which is exactly how I feel all the time. It's like I've come to some realisation about being alive and I just don't like it. It sounds really strange but I don't like being alive. I don't see the point and the whole concept of just being born to age and eventually die at some point. the whole thing disturbs me all day long now. It's like I'm being forced to live and I'm just stuck being alive. I don't actually want to die but being alive and existing does scare me. I might point out my dp dr has gone but I've been left with this way of thinking which will not go.


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> You used the term fear of existing which is exactly how I feel all the time. It's like I've come to some realisation about being alive and I just don't like it. It sounds really strange but I don't like being alive. I don't see the point and the whole concept of just being born to age and eventually die at some point. the whole thing disturbs me all day long now. It's like I'm being forced to live and I'm just stuck being alive. I don't actually want to die but being alive and existing does scare me. I might point out my dp dr has gone but I've been left with this way of thinking which will not go.


This is classic existential angst. I think it's totally natural and normal to have these thoughts, however for most people they lead to liberation and joy, not suffering nonstop. Depression makes you feel as if it's all pointless, however in a more healthy state of mind you might see that life is a gift and that you should enjoy it while you have it. You say that life is pointless, well, does enjoying a nice meal have to have a point? Does making love have to have a point?

Think back to when you were young and happy, did you look for a point in everything? Do you see how happy children are, do they need a point for their existence? It's depression, loss of values and being separate from life that causes this despair.

There are therapists who specialise in existential issues such as these, I think you should meet one as soon as you can.


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

I think because mind has stumbled across this Pandoras box of unanswerable questions I now see life and existence in a whole different way. It's as if I've unlocked my mind to this scary disturbing truth that life is actually such a strange thing. Unfortunately instead of finding it fascinating I actually find the whole thing disturbing to to the point that I don't like it. I know how insane it sounds. It has become obsessive quite clearly as my mind is not satisfied with all these deep philosophical questions all day. One of the biggest ones is about 'time' and what time actually is. Not as in hours and minutes etc as they are just human ways to measure it. And where does time go? There never actually is a present mom as it instantly becomes the past. Every second of my day my mind is fixed as if wearing glasses that just observe everything disappearing in to nothingness. There is no escape as these are realities of life and it's not as if time will stop to give me a break from it. I literally find life disturbing and it's become pure hell.
I keep getting told 'not to think this way' and these questions have no answers so just accept that and move on. It's the fact that there are no answers that my mind can't accept. It's as if I can't unsee this. I don't really think anyone can help. It's just something that has locked in to my mind and everyone is wired differently.


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> I think because mind has stumbled across this Pandoras box of unanswerable questions I now see life and existence in a whole different way. It's as if I've unlocked my mind to this scary disturbing truth that life is actually such a strange thing. Unfortunately instead of finding it fascinating I actually find the whole thing disturbing to to the point that I don't like it. I know how insane it sounds. It has become obsessive quite clearly as my mind is not satisfied with all these deep philosophical questions all day. *One of the biggest ones is about 'time' and what time actually is. Not as in hours and minutes etc as they are just human ways to measure it. And where does time go? There never actually is a present mom as it instantly becomes the past. Every second of my day my mind is fixed as if wearing glasses that just observe everything disappearing in to nothingness. There is no escape as these are realities of life and it's not as if time will stop to give me a break from it. I literally find life disturbing and it's become pure hell.*
> I keep getting told 'not to think this way' and these questions have no answers so just accept that and move on. It's the fact that there are no answers that my mind can't accept. It's as if I can't unsee this. I don't really think anyone can help. It's just something that has locked in to my mind and everyone is wired differently.


Time isn't real as you have probably figured out. Imagine a snowglobe after you shake it, things are moving around, every part affecting the other. We just measure the movement through time. The present is right now, if you just sit quietly and meditate, you will experience the present moment as it is. There are no truths or realities, it's all subjective.

Life isn't disturbing, its your perspective of life that has become disturbing. Was life disturbing to you 10 years ago? Probably not, has anything changed? No, just your perspective. Meaning, it can change further. There is no '


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## Carl_34_m_UK (May 3, 2016)

I see it as there never is an actual present 
It's just continual future-present-past. It's such a strange and disturbing concept to me. There isn't even a second of present.. it just disappears down some black hole as soon as it's happened. Maybe I'm looking at things wrong but I feel as if I've realised something that I wish I hadn't. Thanks for replying by the way. I know we're all struggling but like everyone else I used to enjoy life buty perspective of 'life' is now so scary.


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

Carl_34_m_UK said:


> I see it as there never is an actual present
> It's just continual future-present-past. It's such a strange and disturbing concept to me. There isn't even a second of present.. it just disappears down some black hole as soon as it's happened. Maybe I'm looking at things wrong but I feel as if I've realised something that I wish I hadn't. Thanks for replying by the way. I know we're all struggling but like everyone else I used to enjoy life buty perspective of 'life' is now so scary.


Honestly this sounds like anxiety to me, just being uncomfortable in your own body and noticing something like there not being a 'present'. The idea is that there is nothing else but the present, there's no future and there is no past. Things are all happening right now, there is nothing that disappears, things just change moment to moment and we have the ability to construct the 'past' or 'future' using our imagination.


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## just_liviu85 (Jul 1, 2016)

Hello Carl i am 31 and in the same boat as you i fell is hard to exist , to exist in a body , fear of existance is horror do you take some med for this i can have this all my life please ? Best regards !!!!


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## EmmaBo (Aug 31, 2016)

Hi MartyMart

It's a bog standard symptom of DP. It goes. It's just an off-shoot of anxiety. I had those thoughts, and then I didn't. It's just anxiety. The content of the thoughts is an irrelevance - it's just your own personal brand of DP, which has alighted on particular fearful ideas/notions to try to terrorise you with.

Truly, I had the EXACT same fears (ageing and dying) and they left me once I overcame my anxiety and immersed myself in living. I know it's just a symptom as my DP comes and goes episodically (I have had three bouts) and the fears come and go in the same way.

You'll be fine. Ride the wave and don't dwell on the thoughts - your fear needs something to focus on, so it's picked those things to attach itself to.

Hope that makes sense!

ps. I am in my late thirties too xx


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## martymart1979 (Jun 12, 2016)

Thank you all so much!


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## EmmaBo (Aug 31, 2016)

You are welcome. You will get through this!


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I don't think existential issues fall under DR. I think of DR as being mostly visual. I think they can be part of DP however. I think I was about 8 years old when I realized that people were living without answers about life and such. I tried to allow religion to address those questions, but it failed like santa claus on Christmas. I do think actually living life takes some of the edge off of the concerns about dying. I'm 61 now and probably less fearful about death than I ever have been in my life. But I have done most of the things in life I wanted to do. Not sure I want to live to be 100 given the aches and pains of age I already experience. LOL. I have this theory that they will find equal parts of dark and light matter in the universe. Someday it will all come back together and the whole thing will just disappear. In other words, it really doesn't matter.


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