# Fractured



## bluecanary (May 2, 2014)

My DP/DR goes through a whole range of severity and different sensations, but lately, the best word to describe what I'm feeling is "fractured."

I feel as though my brain has been sliced clean in half - one half wakes up in the morning, drinks tea, feels hunger and thirst and fatigue, decides what clothes to wear, has conversations with people, tells stories, laughs when something is funny, makes plans, gets in the car, runs errands, all of that.

The other half, however, lives deep inside my own head. Doesn't want to get up in the morning, doesn't understand anything about reality. What is "real?" What are human beings? What am I? What is the concept of "me?" My conceptions of space and time get distorted. I feel as though the real "me" is something that only lives inside my head. I look down at my body and don't recognize it as mine. It's a thing that moves independently of me, and is unconnected to my thoughts or feelings. Logically, I can explain all of the things I question (reality is that which exists, human beings are mammals with a high level of intelligence, I am one of them), but I don't feel any connection with those explanations. While I know them to be true, I don't really believe in them, so to speak.

Particularly when I'm alone, I live in my own world, because I'm given time alone with my thoughts, and they don't go anywhere good. Sometimes I feel like half a person, sometimes I feel like two people. I'm actually somewhat amazed that I haven't developed a multiple personality disorder as a result (not that I'm aware of, anyway).

The frustrating thing in all of this is that I have no idea why this is happening. Once every few years, my anxiety starts to skyrocket, and the DP shows up. Or perhaps it's the DP that shows up first, and that's what makes the anxiety rachet up. I don't really know. I go to a doctor, they prescribe medication, sometimes I go to a therapist, they don't do anything helpful, I stop going. The sensation passes, I feel "normal" again, and I stop taking the pills. Time goes by, stress increases. Eventually the stress hits a breaking point. Cycle repeats.

I don't have any childhood trauma that I'm aware of. My parents divorced when I was twelve. Before that point, my biggest issue is that I was dependent on my mother - I was painfully shy and withdrawn, and I felt like she "protected me." From what, I had no idea. But somehow I was convinced that anyone outside my immediate family was scary. I was never abused, physically or emotionally, but somehow still ended up with a painfully low level of self-esteem and a very high level of insecurity that continues to this day. I'm aware that this needs to change if I have any hope of ridding myself of DP/DR and anxiety, but I don't know where the problem originated. I feel as though if I could find that, perhaps I'd get better once and for all.


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## Guest (May 9, 2014)

bluecanary said:


> I was never abused, physically or *emotionally*, but somehow still ended up with a painfully low level of self-esteem and a very high level of insecurity that continues to this day


Emotional abuse doesn't feel like abuse because our perspective of life feels "normal" to us (at least until DP lol). It's the same reason we tend to have more empathy for other people's problems and ours "aren't that big of a deal" or "could be worse".

For example, when I was younger my dad would always bring me to his job, he would introduce me to his coworkers and I would just play on the computer and wait for him. He brought me to his job so we could "spend time together", but I would end up being alone anyway. I had no idea that was a form of neglect until I learned about self-absorbed parents (narcissists).

You sound like you have an over-protective mother, as do I. Wanna know what growing up over-protected causes? Fear of the unknown. Not saying that's the source of all your problems, but it's always best to try to learn about your parents. For example, my mom grew up with alcoholic parents, and those patterns she grew up with carried on into my family.

The end result of both of my parents is that I didn't really get emotional safety from either of them -> can't handle intense stress -> DP


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## bluecanary (May 2, 2014)

I appreciate your insight, seafoam. My mother was very overprotective, actually, due to trauma she suffered in childhood (she was sexually assaulted by someone she should have been able to trust). I think because of that, and because I was the youngest child, and the daughter she badly wanted after having two boys (one of whom was unfortunately born with severe developmental disabilities), she felt the need to protect me from everyone and everything. I know she did it strictly out of love, and that she never meant to harm me - on the contrary, she was trying to keep me from harm - but of course this sort of treatment led to my being very withdrawn. Perhaps as a result, I didn't grow up with the kind of coping skills I should have.

Then, when I was 19, my mother decided to get remarried (she and my dad divorced when I was twelve) and move cross-country. She wanted me to go with her, but I was just about to begin college, and I had a boyfriend and friends that I didn't want to leave. So she went, and I stayed. My first episode of DP/DR occurred when I was 22, incidentally when I was visiting her house. I don't know if there's a connection there or not, but that was the beginning.

If this really is the foundation for my anxiety problems, and subsequently my DP/DR, that'd be great to know, but I'm not sure how I can undo it. I've spent most of my life being afraid of the world, being afraid of everything, really. I'm going to need a therapist to address this, but unfortunately I haven't really got insurance at the moment (long story). I'd love to know how to figure it out in the meantime.


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## Guest (May 9, 2014)

"I've spent most of my life being afraid of the world, being afraid of everything, really."

Same here. Wanna know what Im doing to cope? Writing about it. Now that Im 23, looking back at my childhood certain things are starting to make more sense about my adult life - and it brings a lot of healing.

I'd even dare say Im a kid trapped in an adults body lol


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## kelly326 (Dec 10, 2013)

seafoam mellow said:


> "I've spent most of my life being afraid of the world, being afraid of everything, really."
> 
> Same here. Wanna know what Im doing to cope? Writing about it. Now that Im 23, looking back at my childhood certain things are starting to make more sense about my adult life - and it brings a lot of healing.
> 
> I'd even dare say Im a kid trapped in an adults body lol


Still waiting to read this


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## Guest (May 9, 2014)

kelly326 said:


> Still waiting to read this


lulz it might take a while. I've been doing a couple pages a days, and I've writing it out by hand to make the experience more emotional rather than sitting in front of a computer screen, so it would probably take some time to type out 

I've only written up to 2001 so far


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## kelly326 (Dec 10, 2013)

seafoam mellow said:


> lulz it might take a while. I've been doing a couple pages a days, and I've writing it out by hand to make the experience more emotional rather than sitting in front of a computer screen, so it would probably take some time to type out
> 
> I've only written up to 2001 so far


I'll wait!


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

kelly326 said:


> Still waiting to read this


I am 23 and also a kid trapped in an adults body, Haha, ! really relate to this and the overprotective parents. i learned to fear the world. Now im paying for it. But i know this was only done out of love. But i still have that bond with them and im so greatful to have their protection during this scarey time.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

bluecanary said:


> My DP/DR goes through a whole range of severity and different sensations, but lately, the best word to describe what I'm feeling is "fractured."
> 
> I feel as though my brain has been sliced clean in half - one half wakes up in the morning, drinks tea, feels hunger and thirst and fatigue, decides what clothes to wear, has conversations with people, tells stories, laughs when something is funny, makes plans, gets in the car, runs errands, all of that.
> 
> ...


I completely relate to u. ''While I know them to be true, I don't really believe in them, so to speak.'' I feel as if im not part of this. Like the whole thing seems so god damn wrong and i feel like i cant escape from this reality. Almost like detatched from ur humaness . If that makes sense.i feel stuck in this reality and i wonder how i got in it and it feels wrong and like i shouldnt be here.


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