# Intense mental suffering after recovering from DPDR



## Nadosa (Sep 9, 2017)

Hi,

I am new on here. My life is a absolutely Chaos after DPDR, it left me empty, and I suffer even more than during DPDR. I dont know what to do anymore, the last months were filled by intrusive thoughts, I even panicked about suicidal thoughts and I developped fucking time anxiety, like every day is passing in a minute. I felt a strong resistance and I suffered so hard that my mind just shut off all my emotions, whether they are positive or negative. Seriously I am done, the joy of being recovered was replaced by a strong suffering. It is my old me that suffers? I dont know what to do anymore.

Problem is I suddenly cant feel the pain anymore, it is like my mind had enough, I can still laugh though, but I feel like I am already dead. In the beginning of august, I had the thought that I couldn't bear it anymore and my destiny would be suicide. This was my thought which scared me to death and it has gotten gradually worse since the day I had this thought first. I did everything to prove this thought wrong but it pops up again and again, also my time perception seems to be very very odd. I feel like I have completely lost it and they only thing is the now, but I feel stuck and trapped, held back from my past. I once felt a strong feeling of being stuck between past and future. I couldnt let go of the past. I just couldn't.

So Thursday I had a "nervous breakdown" or so, I tried to trigger pain and I bursted out in tears, and since that day I cant feel pain anymore no matter how hard I try to trigger it. I can laugh though but it feels wrong sometimes, my Libido is also ok.

I would not commit suicide but this destiny thought drives me crazy because my time perception correlates somehow with this thought.

I am really done with this and I am scared because now I live like a fucking zombie!! It makes me kind of depressed but not as intense as before my mind shut out.

Please, I need help, I am seeing a psychologist soon but I dont know whether they are able to help me...

Greetings from a 19 year old boy from Germany


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

Kinda sounds like it's still DP?


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## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

Welcome to the site.

Firstly, understand that psychologists have dealt with all ranges of emotions and issues. You are not the first person to feel this way and you'll certainly not be the last. Due to this, try to recognize that this psychologist will most likely help you if they are worth their salt. I had the same thought process, but my therapist really sorted me out and helped me overcome depersonalization and anxiety, for the most part.



> I am new on here. My life is a absolutely Chaos after DPDR, it left me empty, and I suffer even more than during DPDR. I dont know what to do anymore, the last months were filled by intrusive thoughts, I even panicked about suicidal thoughts and I developped fucking time anxiety, like every day is passing in a minute. I felt a strong resistance and I suffered so hard that my mind just shut off all my emotions, whether they are positive or negative. Seriously I am done, the joy of being recovered was replaced by a strong suffering. It is my old me that suffers? I dont know what to do anymore.
> 
> Problem is I suddenly cant feel the pain anymore, it is like my mind had enough, I can still laugh though, but I feel like I am already dead. In the beginning of august, I had the thought that I couldn't bear it anymore and my destiny would be suicide. This was my thought which scared me to death and it has gotten gradually worse since the day I had this thought first. I did everything to prove this thought wrong but it pops up again and again, also my time perception seems to be very very odd. I feel like I have completely lost it and they only thing is the now, but I feel stuck and trapped, held back from my past. I once felt a strong feeling of being stuck between past and future. I couldnt let go of the past. I just couldn't.
> 
> So Thursday I had a "nervous breakdown" or so, I tried to trigger pain and I bursted out in tears, and since that day I cant feel pain anymore no matter how hard I try to trigger it. I can laugh though but it feels wrong sometimes, my Libido is also ok.


I'm by no means a psychologist, but I would say you are overwhelmed with the negative emotions that brought you into depersonalization to begin with.

Just because you've recovered from the unreality you had prior, that may not indicate that you are recovered from the issues that created the unreality in the first place. It seems like you are still overwhelmed by the prominent negative emotions that gave you depersonalization / derealization initially, which is something that your psychologist can definitely help you with. In the meantime, leading up to your appointment, try to take a few deep breaths and relax. Like I said above, these people are trained to help you. It may take some time, but you'll get there, I promise you that.

Distract yourself as best as you can, and look forward to your appointment soon. As always, feel free to post around and chat with others, we're always here to help.

You'll beat this, I believe in you!


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## Nadosa (Sep 9, 2017)

No I dont have DPDR anymore. I am just so fucking overwhelmed with my emotions that my mind just shut out all the pain coming from the past.

I try to relax, but it gets gradually worse everyday and I dont know why.


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## Nadosa (Sep 9, 2017)

Can anyone help me? It's like I am cursed and it isnt far that all the pain bursts out and takes me to death. I dont really know why it has gotten that serious.


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## nocturnalman (Nov 15, 2017)

You need to find something that makes you happy ,something that makes you happy waiting for tomorrow.
You feel that way because when you got rid of DR ,you did not find something else to engage with ,you are like a soldier who came back from war ,arrived at home and found nothing but emptiness ,so he is left with the negative things he faced in the past.


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## Nadosa (Sep 9, 2017)

nocturnalman said:


> You need to find something that makes you happy ,something that makes you happy waiting for tomorrow.
> You feel that way because when you got rid of DR ,you did not find something else to engage with ,you are like a soldier who came back from war ,arrived at home and found nothing but emptiness ,so he is left with the negative things he faced in the past.


That might be true.


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## James2368 (Oct 19, 2017)

DPDR has shut out all your feeling and problems. Now being back in your real life you are confronted with your feelings which can be overwhelming. DPDR has nevertheless a function even if this is causing a nightmare


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## Nadosa (Sep 9, 2017)

Well I know but Ive been recovered for like 4 months now but something is just wrong with my mind and I cant tell if I am suicidal but I get like strange thoughts that I should be dead and that it is wrong to be alive which freak the hell out of me. I mean they occured all of the sudden and I just cant let them go, I cling very hard to them.

Is this probably depression? I mean maybe I wouldnt even care about these thoughts if I was happy and the chemicals in my brain were balanced.


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## freezeup (Oct 1, 2016)

I've felt like this a lot, especially when I start to feel better. DP itself can be extremely traumatic and I think we still have to process what exactly happened to us and why. DP isn't just some kind of random brain dysfunction (most of the time), I think the majority of people on here need heavy therapy - during and after DP.


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