# am I alive



## Iamalive20 (Mar 26, 2010)

I'm a 20 year old college student living in Arizona. I have a good life, great friends, wonderful parents, good health and a roof over my head. Before this past month I had a strong mind, I was a happy kid, but now it seams hazy. While I am not proud of this, I did try a few different drugs, Marijuana, LSD and shrooms. While I look down upon drugs, my mind set was i had to try them before i could completely put them down. While only doing shrooms once, I had a horrible trip and ended up pissing on my friends bed. While not remember any of that night it came back to me in flashes, little tidbits of what happened that night, and basically in my trip, i died, or was the cause of the "end of the world" and had to live with that for eternity. Scary thought. But since i had not remembered it in detail, my life went on as normal. I decided to try LSD, which was a horrible decision, but i didnt have a bad trip, so at the time i did not care. The trip was all visual and not physiological, which i enjoyed. About 4 weeks ago, i was hanging out with friends, (not the best of friends but i was there so) and they were passing around a bong, I took a massive hit, which absolutely killed my throat, and thats when one of the most scary nights of my life occurred. I had no control of my body, or anything. I had the sensation of my self being wet like i had again pissed myself, but i hadnt, my mind was running circles, and because i didnt know what was going on, i came to the conclusion that again I had died. I didnt find out it was a flash back from the psychedelics that i took till a few days later, which honestly, if i had known at the time it would of made things alright. But i didnt revover from that flashback physically for atleast a day, and mentally, well i still dont think ive recovered. This past tuesday, i had another episode, i was sitting in my car with a friend at a drive thru window, and all of a suddeen i had no control of what i was doing, like watching myself do normal things, look at my friend and talk, reach out the window to grab the food, but i was not doing anything of these actions. The control came back but again, my mind told me i had died. This hasnt gotten out of my head since. I feel like, for some reason, either i have died, and im living out the rest of my days this way, or the world has ended, and im just living out the timeline of my life. It feels like i have no soul, well a soul isnt the right word, but i dont know of another one to use. Ill sit there and say stuff aloud like "you will pick up this pencil, and touch the eraser with your right thumb" just so i know that i am me. for a brief moment there i feel alright, but there is still the underlying feeling like something is not right. What is going on. I dont want this feeling anymore, i want to feel alive, not dead. What is going on with me?

Sorry for the rambled on sentences and such.


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## Iamalive20 (Mar 26, 2010)

Another thing i should mention was on that past tuesday i was talking about, i was having a wonderful day, School went great, i was hanging out with a great friend, everything was amazing. Then that happened and since then my mind has gone to dark places.


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## zombieundead (Mar 17, 2010)

Iamalive20 said:


> I'm a 20 year old college student living in Arizona. I have a good life, great friends, wonderful parents, good health and a roof over my head. Before this past month I had a strong mind, I was a happy kid, but now it seams hazy. While I am not proud of this, I did try a few different drugs, Marijuana, LSD and shrooms. While I look down upon drugs, my mind set was i had to try them before i could completely put them down. While only doing shrooms once, I had a horrible trip and ended up pissing on my friends bed. While not remember any of that night it came back to me in flashes, little tidbits of what happened that night, and basically in my trip, i died, or was the cause of the "end of the world" and had to live with that for eternity. Scary thought. But since i had not remembered it in detail, my life went on as normal. I decided to try LSD, which was a horrible decision, but i didnt have a bad trip, so at the time i did not care. The trip was all visual and not physiological, which i enjoyed. About 4 weeks ago, i was hanging out with friends, (not the best of friends but i was there so) and they were passing around a bong, I took a massive hit, which absolutely killed my throat, and thats when one of the most scary nights of my life occurred. I had no control of my body, or anything. I had the sensation of my self being wet like i had again pissed myself, but i hadnt, my mind was running circles, and because i didnt know what was going on, i came to the conclusion that again I had died. I didnt find out it was a flash back from the psychedelics that i took till a few days later, which honestly, if i had known at the time it would of made things alright. But i didnt revover from that flashback physically for atleast a day, and mentally, well i still dont think ive recovered. This past tuesday, i had another episode, i was sitting in my car with a friend at a drive thru window, and all of a suddeen i had no control of what i was doing, like watching myself do normal things, look at my friend and talk, reach out the window to grab the food, but i was not doing anything of these actions. The control came back but again, my mind told me i had died. This hasnt gotten out of my head since. I feel like, for some reason, either i have died, and im living out the rest of my days this way, or the world has ended, and im just living out the timeline of my life. It feels like i have no soul, well a soul isnt the right word, but i dont know of another one to use. Ill sit there and say stuff aloud like "you will pick up this pencil, and touch the eraser with your right thumb" just so i know that i am me. for a brief moment there i feel alright, but there is still the underlying feeling like something is not right. What is going on. I dont want this feeling anymore, i want to feel alive, not dead. What is going on with me?
> 
> Sorry for the rambled on sentences and such.


yah man thats dp. atleast ur having episodes of it, or symptoms.


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## darris nealy (Mar 29, 2010)

zombieundead said:


> yah man thats dp. atleast ur having episodes of it, or symptoms.


hey, i feel exactly the same way..and it also started with marijuana...i had a bad trip, felt like i was dying...and it feels like that death feeling has been onto me ever since...i hate this.. all i want to do is get out of it. has anyone heard of the Linden Method? is it useful? what should a person with dp/dr do to save himself?? is there a treatment?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

darris nealy said:


> hey, i feel exactly the same way..and it also started with marijuana...i had a bad trip, felt like i was dying...and it feels like that death feeling has been onto me ever since...i hate this.. all i want to do is get out of it. has anyone heard of the Linden Method? is it useful? what should a person with dp/dr do to save himself?? is there a treatment?


Several people on here have tried the Linden Method, although some with unsuccessful results. There may be some threads posted by people who have tried this method under the ''Alternative Remedies and Therapies'' section on here.

A person with DP/DR should tell himself/herself that first and foremost, they are not dying. This is a condition that is not harmful, yet distressful to say the least. DP will not harm you mentally or physically. Although it may feel like death, it is actually just symptoms of depersonalization which are making you feel this way. It is not a permanent condition, and most often is the result of anxiety. Please do not worry or obsess about it; just remember that you are going through sensations that can most often be attributed to depersonalization. This is your brain's way of taking a break from stress and/or trauma, but it will return to normal after awhile. I think what's important to realize with DP/DR, and certainly something that Ive come to the realize is that this condition is something that needs to take its natural course. You cannot speed it up, or quicken the process of recovery...it has to happen on its own. So remember, you are not dying, you are just suffering with a condition, called Depersonalization. Breathe.

There is no specific treatment for DP/DR established thus far, but there are certainly different types of therapy and medications that are being looked into and researched as we speak. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be effective and beneficial in treating DP, as well as other anxiety disorders. Medications such as antidepressants, benzodiazapine's, and mood stabilizers (anti-seizure medications) have all been shown to be effective as well. For more information on treatment options, you may want to google ''Depersonalization Treatments'' and see what you get. Unfortunately, they have not developed that ''cure'' yet for what seems to be a treatment-resistant condition, yet hopefully they will establish more treatment options in the years to come. Hope this helped.


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## codeblue213 (Feb 15, 2010)

> Posted 26 March 2010 - 08:17 PM
> I'm a 20 year old college student living in Arizona. I have a good life, great friends, wonderful parents, good health and a roof over my head. Before this past month I had a strong mind, I was a happy kid, but now it seams hazy. While I am not proud of this, I did try a few different drugs, Marijuana, LSD and shrooms. While I look down upon drugs, my mind set was i had to try them before i could completely put them down. While only doing shrooms once, I had a horrible trip and ended up pissing on my friends bed. While not remember any of that night it came back to me in flashes, little tidbits of what happened that night, and basically in my trip, i died, or was the cause of the "end of the world" and had to live with that for eternity. Scary thought. But since i had not remembered it in detail, my life went on as normal. I decided to try LSD, which was a horrible decision, but i didnt have a bad trip, so at the time i did not care. The trip was all visual and not physiological, which i enjoyed. About 4 weeks ago, i was hanging out with friends, (not the best of friends but i was there so) and they were passing around a bong, I took a massive hit, which absolutely killed my throat, and thats when one of the most scary nights of my life occurred. I had no control of my body, or anything. I had the sensation of my self being wet like i had again pissed myself, but i hadnt, my mind was running circles, and because i didnt know what was going on, i came to the conclusion that again I had died. I didnt find out it was a flash back from the psychedelics that i took till a few days later, which honestly, if i had known at the time it would of made things alright. But i didnt revover from that flashback physically for atleast a day, and mentally, well i still dont think ive recovered. This past tuesday, i had another episode, i was sitting in my car with a friend at a drive thru window, and all of a suddeen i had no control of what i was doing, like watching myself do normal things, look at my friend and talk, reach out the window to grab the food, but i was not doing anything of these actions. The control came back but again, my mind told me i had died. This hasnt gotten out of my head since. I feel like, for some reason, either i have died, and im living out the rest of my days this way, or the world has ended, and im just living out the timeline of my life. It feels like i have no soul, well a soul isnt the right word, but i dont know of another one to use. Ill sit there and say stuff aloud like "you will pick up this pencil, and touch the eraser with your right thumb" just so i know that i am me. for a brief moment there i feel alright, but there is still the underlying feeling like something is not right. What is going on. I dont want this feeling anymore, i want to feel alive, not dead. What is going on with me?


DP can make you feel "dead". I've this experience a lot of times. 18 years ago I tried LSD, my one and only time. I "died" for a good 9 hours. No one helped me get through it. I know that feeling "dead" is wrong, but it's hard to not be scared to death when it happens. I take Klonopin to help the anxiety. I can't handle the DP on my own unfortunately.


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## darris nealy (Mar 29, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Several people on here have tried the Linden Method, although some with unsuccessful results. There may be some threads posted by people who have tried this method under the ''Alternative Remedies and Therapies'' section on here.
> 
> A person with DP/DR should tell himself/herself that first and foremost, they are not dying. This is a condition that is not harmful, yet distressful to say the least. DP will not harm you mentally or physically. Although it may feel like death, it is actually just symptoms of depersonalization which are making you feel this way. It is not a permanent condition, and most often is the result of anxiety. Please do not worry or obsess about it; just remember that you are going through sensations that can most often be attributed to depersonalization. This is your brain's way of taking a break from stress and/or trauma, but it will return to normal after awhile. I think what's important to realize with DP/DR, and certainly something that Ive come to the realize is that this condition is something that needs to take its natural course. You cannot speed it up, or quicken the process of recovery...it has to happen on its own. So remember, you are not dying, you are just suffering with a condition, called Depersonalization. Breathe.
> 
> There is no specific treatment for DP/DR established thus far, but there are certainly different types of therapy and medications that are being looked into and researched as we speak. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be effective and beneficial in treating DP, as well as other anxiety disorders. Medications such as antidepressants, benzodiazapine's, and mood stabilizers (anti-seizure medications) have all been shown to be effective as well. For more information on treatment options, you may want to google ''Depersonalization Treatments'' and see what you get. Unfortunately, they have not developed that ''cure'' yet for what seems to be a treatment-resistant condition, yet hopefully they will establish more treatment options in the years to come. Hope this helped.


are u sure it goes away with time??? i hear of people who have been having it for years...10, 15... so u think this is because of the anxiety i had after smoking weed and having a bad trip??? ive been like this for 3 years.. if it is a result of anxiety, should i go looking for ways to treat anxiety?? thx


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## Sean 561 (Apr 19, 2010)

darris nealy said:


> are u sure it goes away with time??? i hear of people who have been having it for years...10, 15... so u think this is because of the anxiety i had after smoking weed and having a bad trip??? ive been like this for 3 years.. if it is a result of anxiety, should i go looking for ways to treat anxiety?? thx


I developed this condition when I was a kid experimenting with lsd, shrooms and smoking lots of pot. Now I am 37 and still feel the DP 24/7. I always feel mildly stoned to intensly stoned and it sucks!

I know people try to be positive and say it will go away or "just dont think about it" but thats not always realistic.

Although it doesn't hurt to try whatever you possibly can, who knows, maybe it will work for you.


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