# New Member. Suicidal thoughts getting worse. I suffer from DR.



## dreamstate1991 (Nov 9, 2013)

I've been reading this forum for a LONG while now and decided to finally sign up.

I'll cut to the chase. I suffer primarily from derealization. It was hard to pinpoint at first when it started happening because I was taking Klonopin at the time for anxiety. Therefore, whenever things "didn't feel right," I just popped a pill and reality returned. It was drug induced. I went on an LSD trip to get over my ex girlfriend who I had been obsessing over for 7 months. I sure got rid of her. Made my mind believe she never existed. Turns out, this instant cure came with a catch--nothing exists now. It was an instant cure, though. Never obsessed over her again. Kinda makes me wish I still was.

I had all of the typical side effects... Thought I had brain damage, super paranoia, hazy vision, cognitive shit, etc.

Just to let you all know, I am living a decent life. I graduated college last May and somehow managed to be a high school math&physics teacher. I'm single and for the most part emotionless--I don't meet new people easily. Sure, I portray fake emotions, but I don't feel much. I think people tend to catch on. I do cry sometimes, however, when I'm feeling suicidal.

Anywho, that's why I'm here. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for ~1 month now. This was after several natural attempts at curing this. I tapered completely off the Klonopin (it's a side effect of klonopin withdrawal). I took L-Theanine. Some people cut themselves to feel "real," I just walk outside and feel a cold breeze hit me. Once I feel like I'm cold, bam...I'm real. Doesn't really change anything though. I know I'm real. I know everyone around me is real. My mind likes to fuck with me and do its best to try and change my perception. It's an ongoing fight that I literally can't win. No matter what I do, I never get a moment of relief. Visually, maybe. I'll have moments where I can see things the way they're supposed to look. Hell, the Fall folliage this year is amazing. Doesn't stop my mind from fucking with me.

Anywho, I digress. The psychiatrist (who surprisingly cares VERY much about me and this disorder) prescribed me Anafranil first. Made the derealization SO much worse. I suffered 8 days of pure hell. I still look back at that week and try to figure out how I managed to work. Blurred vision, lack of sleep, confusion... The 2nd half of the paragraph before this one could all be voided during the 8-day course of that medication. Anywho, safe to say I got off that. Took 9 days for my vision to return. Now I'm paranoid about that at times, too. Go figure.

Currently she just started me on 25 mgs of Lamictal. Been on that for 5 days. I get to start Prozac tomorrow too! Prozac lowers one's IQ and is actually considered to be "addictive," so I can't wait to start that (sarcasm)!

So, yeah. Honestly, every single day I've been checking for that rash that Lamictal is supposed to give you that you're supposed to report right away. But, I'm not looking for it to report it. I'm looking for it with the hope that it kills me.

Everyday, it gets worse and worse. As it has been written several times on this website, "it seems like the only way out of this nightmare is suicide."

I'm an intelligent, young man. I've worked my whole life to get where I am now. And, for exactly 1 year and 23 days, I have been suffering from this bullshit disorder that literally no one can cure. Sure, I can try OCD therapy overtime. Yoga, eat healthy, and everything else you guys have preached on the hundreds of threads I've read on here (probably thousands, actually). But, it seems like the only people that "escape" are those that have only been going through it for a short period of time. The people that have been suffering for years--it comes back to them. It always does. You can say it doesn't, but we all know it does. Once you have it, you're stuck with it. I know I'm being blunt, and probably closed-minded, and I know that you're all going to say that I have the "wrong mindset" or whatever, but it's true. I had the right mindset. I fought. I've been fighting. Why do you think it took me a year to see a psychiatrist?

I can't deal with this anymore. I really cannot. After the shrink has run her course of meds on me, I'm pretty sure I'm going to take the only 100%, sure-fired way out. It's depressing to think about it. I guess I fucked up. Whatever God there is up there really doesn't give a shit. And neither do I. Each day, these suicidal thoughts get worse and worse. I used to be 10% sure, 30% sure, 50% sure...I'm getting closer and closer to being 100% sure that I'm going to end myself once I realize that what I'm saying is true--that there really is no way out. I miss my old self. It's not fair. I don't deserve this. There are complete fucking idiots in this world that will not accomplish anything. I could've made a huge difference. But, nope. Instead of cursing those who deserve it, karma or whatever the fuck it is gave it to me. And, no...I refuse to "make a difference" in a world that "doesn't exist." Seems pointless, no?

Alright, you may all officially welcome me to the forum. I respect all input and will do my best to not be rude to anyone. I know I'm coming off as an stubborn piece of shit. I'm sorry for that.

edit: For those who think I'm "obsessing" over it. I'm really not. I don't go searching all over the internet for an answer. I don't sit inside my god damn house all day sulking away. I used to, maybe 5 months ago...I stay active each and everyday. I almost never stop moving. Doesn't do shit. K, thanks.


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

DP is a result of unresolved trauma, strengthen yourself enough to handle your issues and it'll go away, I'm sure of it.


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## dreamstate1991 (Nov 9, 2013)

Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> Suicide just shifts & intensifies all the pain you feel onto those who love & care about you; family, friends, work collegues etc. Even though we find it hard to feel, they don't, & as much as your Derealization is incredibly hard to deal with, it would be much harder for them to deal with your death. Suicide is not the answer. I must admit that I also fantasize about doing away with myself, but the reality is that it would end up hurting far too many people more than I'm currently hurting due to my DPD.
> 
> The hope we have is that some people live with it for many years & it goes away. For instance, Jeffrey abugel (the co-author of Feeling Unreal) had it for 10 years & then it went away. Some people have it for several years & it goes away. This fact proves that there is genuine hope for you. I myself have had chronic DPD for 24 years solid, & even though it is hard sometimes & I feel suicidal, there's still plenty of reasons to live. We just have to remind ourselves of them, because most of the time everything can seem to be utterly pointless to us (& that's part of the problem).
> 
> ...


I really appreciate your response. It's just that, when I think of the possiblity of having DR for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years...it sickens me. That's all those years of my life that will be wasted, no matter how I choose to live them. I feel that exact way about the last year of my life. I want to LIVE. I don't want to look back at a day of work and think that everything I said, every action I performed, and every person I interacted with was imaginary. I hate driving my car thinking that if I get rammed off the highway and crash, that I'll wake up in my bed. That's not living. There's no way out of this nightmare. And like you said, nothing treats/helps DR.

I have a very small family--just my mother, father, aunt, and uncle. And very little friends. Maybe 1 good friend who lives several hundred miles away from me (I went to college with him). Everyone else that I have time to spend with does drugs all the time and I haven't included myself in those activities since being cursed. My relationships with my parents are miniscule at best. I've told them time and time again that one day I won't "be here." They know what I mean when I say that. They just shrug it off and continue with their everyday lives. They don't do anything to help me. I guess they figure that's the psychiatrist's job. I realize they don't understand, but they've done little to show any affection toward me at all. I constantly fight with them. My aunt&uncle would miss me. I know it's all "selfish," but is it really? Wouldn't they want me to be happy? Figuatively pulling the plug would finally end it all. That's what I want.

I'm not going to do anything for awhile. There's nothing worry about in the short-term. I'm not dealing with this for an extended period of time, though. I refuse to.



seafoamwaves said:


> DP is a result of unresolved trauma, strengthen yourself enough to handle your issues and it'll go away, I'm sure of it.


I have very little if any issues. The only "trauma" I've experienced was the LSD trip that I used to rid of my obsessions over a girl I was once in love with. I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 years. There's no possible way to relieve that "trauma." Before that trip, I journaled constantly. I wrote fake letters to her in hope that I would move on. I wrote positive things about myself constantly. I did everything I could to better myself and become a happy, independent man--all of those ideas were from a great book I read. In the end, I was still obsessing over her, even as I fell asleep with other women. That's what disgusted me the most. It didn't feel right that I was going on dates with women that I never showed my utmost attention to. After the drug, the obsessions were literally cured. I was lucky if I thought of her once a week. It was like that up until the psychiatrist pointed out that she may be my problem. Makes no sense to me. I've dated other women and was never affected by thoughts of her. I don't know. None of it makes sense, and I have no idea how I would "handle" that issue.

I fight with my parents a lot, like I said before, but they never traumatized me. I have the most vivid long-term memory out of anyone I know. I can recall almost every day of my life since I started preschool. I'm not even overexaggerating. I had some depression from when I was 10 up until I was 18 from not having many friends at school. That's it. The only thing I can think of is that the anxiety I have that's causing this DR was passed down to me from my mother's side of the family. Every single person in her family has incredible anxiety. My grandmother worried herself literally to death. Every single member of her family is on anxiety medication. Meanwhile, my father's side is medication free. They're all happy and function very well. As mean as it sounds, I wish I was never my mother's child. I know as a fact that my anxiety was passed down from her.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Hey dude I feel ur frustration I too mainly suffer from chronic derealization it is one of the worst things and has also ruined my life...have u looked into alternative treatments like iboga, ayahuasca or even seeking out a spiritual healer of some sort like john of god?

I know those suicidal thoughts all too well...derealization rlly stops u from enjoying life and people


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

When did ur anxiety turn into the derealization


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## Guest (Nov 10, 2013)

Welcome to the Forum,

I've had Dissociation for over 10 years now. The first years were definitely very hard to go through. But I kept going on. And I'm glad I did. Life takes on new and deeper meanings. I've grown into a new person that would have never been if I was never dissociated, and then I'd be just another normal person going through the motions. One thing I keep in mind, is that we *are* normal people, going through an abnormal experience. Any one of your relations would have just as much trouble, if not more trouble, going through what you experience every day. I say a lot that "if they only knew what we go through". A big part of the isolating factor of dissociation is the fact that nobody can really relate. That's really the greatness of this forum community.

I look at each day dissociated as another day survived, (it's almost a game to me, how much can I take?)

Soldier On Through


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## dreamstate1991 (Nov 9, 2013)

Sorry for being so late to respond guys. As I posted before, I'm a very active person and do my best to not spend all day on my computer or obsess about the disorder in general (which I've read is a very good thing).



Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> If you have anxiety & think it's the cause of your DR, or at the very least is exacerbating it, then anti anxiety meds will probably be of some help. Giving up all stimulants may be helpful too. When I gave up caffiene in 2010, virtuall all my anxiety went away.
> 
> I found reading books on the subject helpfull too, have you read any of them?


I actually do not have any anxiety whatsoever (anymore). The last time I had bad anxiety was last June after failing miserably on a date with a girl I was really into. Then I somewhat obsessed over what I could have done differently. I do have the obsession part of OCD, so I believe the prozac will be good for that. Caffeine&stiumlants in general, on the other hand, help my DR strangely enough. Being able to be awake&alert...seeing everything around me as clear as can be helps the visual aspect of the disorder. But, as I stated before, my mind still drifts and thinks irritatingly. It's hard to describe. I feel like I'm on auto pilot every single day. The day will end and it will be as if it never happened.



missjess said:


> Hey dude I feel ur frustration I too mainly suffer from chronic derealization it is one of the worst things and has also ruined my life...have u looked into alternative treatments like iboga, ayahuasca or even seeking out a spiritual healer of some sort like john of god?
> 
> I know those suicidal thoughts all too well...derealization rlly stops u from enjoying life and people


I haven't looked into alternative treatments like you've described. I don't necessarily believe in that kind of stuff. I would like to try out yoga, though. Yeah, I'm just absolutely numb when it comes to the suicidal thoughts. I've been trying to distract myself with friends on my free time. But, when I'm alone, I consisently wonder how I'm going to handle things after the medication I just started doesn't work...



missjess said:


> When did ur anxiety turn into the derealization


I think I wrote in my original post that it happened after I took LSD trying to get over my ex girlfriend. I'm guessing I surpressed my feelings about her so deeply that the only way I could get over her was to convince my mind that she didn't exist--then it all started. I don't know, though. That's just a theory of mine.



ThoughtOnFire said:


> Welcome to the Forum,
> 
> I've had Dissociation for over 10 years now. The first years were definitely very hard to go through. But I kept going on. And I'm glad I did. Life takes on new and deeper meanings. I've grown into a new person that would have never been if I was never dissociated, and then I'd be just another normal person going through the motions. One thing I keep in mind, is that we *are* normal people, going through an abnormal experience. Any one of your relations would have just as much trouble, if not more trouble, going through what you experience every day. I say a lot that "if they only knew what we go through". A big part of the isolating factor of dissociation is the fact that nobody can really relate. That's really the greatness of this forum community.
> 
> ...


Lasting 10 years is impressive! I honestly don't believe I will able to do that. Nor do I really want to do that. I'm hoping I have some epiphany like you have when you stated you "look at each day dissociated as another day survived." I don't know. I really don't. I'd rather be another "normal person going through the motions." I was happier that way. I was ME. The person I've become is an emotionless piece of shit that can't even enjoy a single day of his life. The other day, I had a student of mine crying over a breakup saying he "wasn't good enough," and I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how to console him. I don't know how to console anyone. I'm nothing but a body on auto pilot. I used to be so full of REAL emotion. I was a beautiful, sensitive person that knew how to be there for people and console others. I'm nothing now.


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## Xerei (Feb 17, 2010)

And here we have the typical scared person finding out they have dp\dr.

You think you're stuck with it forever, calling all else bullshit, saying it'll come back, that attitude won't help ya tbh, it's a nice attitude if you want to get deeper in the rabbit's hole though.


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## dreamstate1991 (Nov 9, 2013)

Xerei said:


> And here we have the typical scared person finding out they have dp\dr.
> 
> You think you're stuck with it forever, calling all else bullshit, saying it'll come back, that attitude won't help ya tbh, it's a nice attitude if you want to get deeper in the rabbit's hole though.


To be honest, I don't even have the time to think about nor have an attitude about anything. This has been the only 2 hours of free time I've had to waste on "obsessing" over this in internet-form. To me, the best way to get over this disorder, whether it be temporary or "permanently," is to live outside of your computers and avoid using forums like this unless it's through rare use or if you're undergoing some type of urgent panic attack--in which case, I'd call my shrink...but, I know that a lot of us don't have that privilege. Trust me, I'm doing and have done all I can up to this point. Not that many people with this disorder can say they've typed an 80 page thesis, graduated with a Masters, and are looked upon as an accomplished teacher all in the 1 year that they've had it--even though each day seems like it never happened.


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## dreamstate1991 (Nov 9, 2013)

Haven't been on this forum in awhile. Just updating everyone. The Lamictal made me incredibly sleepy--worsening my symptoms, so we got off of it once I reached 100 mgs. The psychiatrist put me on 25 mg of Topamax&raised my Prozac to 20 mg. I lasted 1 day on Topamax--had to leave work early due to incredible confusion and slowness in my brain.

I then told my psychiatrist that I wanted to take a break from experimenting...it was only making it worse.

Been hanging onto the 20 mg of Prozac.I seem to be having some cluster headaches which aren't too big of an issue...After being on it for ~3 weeks, I'm...noticing some improvement. Shockingly. It's very hard to pinpoint what exactly is going on in my brain, but I do feel different--in a good way.

There *IS* hope.


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