# My derealization has gotten really bad!



## hurricane123 (Dec 15, 2015)

My world looks so ugly I just want some relief. I sleep for so many hours cause every time i open my eyes it's just a staticy 2d world. I originally got dp/dr from a head injury but after 6 years decided maybe I should self treat so I took some noopept and boom dp/dr worse 10 fold.

It has been two months and I have been desperate for relief so I added theanine, magnesium taurate, coq10, and riboflavin to my stack of supplements, guess what boom now I'm even worse. Everything looks like a dam cartoon. I threw away all my supplements but I'm hating life so much now. I feel literally trapped in a hell. Not to mention I have to work a stressful job and do college. I honsest don't know what to do I keep trying to help myself but it keeps backfiring and I can't see a psychiatrist...

I want to scream or cry but I feel to robotic to do either. I wish I can just get away from civilization for awhile. People want to talk and hangout but I feel so miserable I'm tired of putting on a facade. I accomplished so much in the screwed up state im in yet will never get credit. I feel like a blind man trying to live life without anyone knowing he's blind. Kind of an extreme example but all this acting is tearing me up Inside and I can't quit not because I don't want to because I don't have that option. I feel like death isn't even an option for me just the thought of death being worse than this makes me cling to life. I feel like im procrastinating death in a way. I wish I could believe that the afterlife will be holly and jolly and a small fraction of me hopes for it. But I don't look forward to death and I don't look forward to life I feel stuck in a purgatory.

What makes me angry is that non of us who suffer who carry on daily going above and beyond will never be recognized. No one will every say dam this guy is in hell but he managed to do so much. Sometimes I want to tell people at work "hey I see the world completely distorted , and I feel retarded 24/7 yet I'm still able to work and do a better job than most" a simple wow I understand would be awesome. Instead it's "why your so serious" "smile" or no one wants to talk to me cause I look like I'm in a bad mood.

Long story short fuck the world fuck like fuck everything. I want to go on a deserted island and just live the rest of my life in isolation. I'm nothing but a shadow of my former self anyway. A spirit that's clinging to life.

Sorry for the long confusing rant had to let some stuff out somehow.


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## mrgibbs (Nov 29, 2015)

No way, I was just looking into taking "noopept"! Sorry you had such an adverse reaction.


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

Why can't you see a psychiatrist? Can you see a therapist? Stop taking random things. My doc added an antidepressant and then my world got 2D as well, but that was a bad day on its own. It's hard to tell what is causing it exactly. Please seek appropriate care.

Also forget the afterlife, forget about spirits. You are still here, living right now. Don't waste it in suffering. Try to get help. Even if your DP is totally organic, that sounds stressful enough to warrant counseling.


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## semicharmedlife (Nov 6, 2014)

Hang in there man. I completely understand when you say "What makes me angry is that non of us who suffer who carry on daily going above and beyond will never be recognized. No one will every say dam this guy is in hell but he managed to do so much. Sometimes I want to tell people at work "hey I see the world completely distorted , and I feel retarded 24/7 yet I'm still able to work and do a better job than most" a simple wow I understand would be awesome. Instead it's "why your so serious" "smile" or no one wants to talk to me cause I look like I'm in a bad mood." It's sad, but moments are harder to get through with having this.

And it's frustrating, but we have to remember that people who don't have this disorder will never truly understand what we are going through and there's nothing they can really do for us. All of my friends who I have explained it to, have really not been able to give me any advice whatsoever. And when you have a moment of a clear state of mind again (which you will) it will be hard for even you to remember the DP/DR that you were going through.


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## BradScottUK (Jan 30, 2016)

Hey man, I hear ya,I hear ya, I hear ya! This condition IS a living hell. It is a nightmare. It is beyond words. It is not the "obvious" type of torture or hell that other people who haven't experienced it can relate to at all. You here a story of a prisoner of war captured and improvised for years, being beaten and tortured every day and people can imagine what that is like and can understand to some degree how awful that is. But tell people you have "head problems" or "my head's fuzzy" or "the world doesn't seem real" and you get a blank stare. Because on paper it doesn't sound so bad does it? A "fuzzy" head. Sounds like you've had to many beers or something, it doesn't communicate the utter hell that this condition imposes on you. It is horrific. It is really awful. Anyone who has experienced it (or still are) understands just how bad it is. And you're right, you do feel deserving of a medal at the end of the day for faking it through, doing a good job at work, finishing a college assignment or meeting a group of friends for a few hours, when you are in this utter hell state of DR. It is it's own kind of hell because to the outside word you are normal. And that feels likes a kick in the gut. Like maybe you're making more of it then you should be and maybe you're just being a baby and need grow a pair. After all if everyone around you is telling you you seem fine (maybe a little moody or whatever occasionally) then maybe I am ok and am just making a meal of it. But no - you are in hell and you just want to grab people by the shoulders and scream into their faces "I'M IN HELL RIGHT NOW PLEASE UNDERSTAND!!!!" "I don't care how I appear or how I Iook - I AM IN HELL".

I don't know what your "spiritual" beliefs are or what you believe about the universe we find ourselves in, but the best piece of advice I can give you is to see yourself at the end of this life sitting down with a bucket of popcorn to watch your life story (with all your favorite people) do you want to be proud of what you see? Do you want to cherish that life movie? Do you want to know that you managed to live through such hellish conditions and still go to work, go to college, meet friends and family when all you wanted to do was curl up in a ball and give up. You have a choice, you can give up, you could kill yourself today OR you can treat each day as a MONUMENTAL challenge and see how well you can navigate it. Of course it's hard. It's much easier to give up. But when you get to review your life movie do you want to be proud? It doesn't matter right now if the people around you don't understand what you are going through, it would be nice if they did. You understand and I understand, and all the other people who have experienced this hell understand. It is a very very lonely road to be on and even with support from us here on forums or therapists or whoever, ultimately you are still alone with this. And that's hard to deal with. There will be times, many many times, when you will say " I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE" that is going to be common. But remember you can choose to cave in and give up or push yourself through another day of hell. Even if you don't resonate with the viewing your life movie concept, even at the end of each day do you want to feel proud of yourself for standing up and doing all you can even though you were in hell? When you come through this and you begin to live a normal life again do you want to be proud of how you handled this hell?


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## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

Its like u described me word by word.. Its hell


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## IAmNobody (Oct 14, 2015)

BradScottUK said:


> Hey man, I hear ya,I hear ya, I hear ya! This condition IS a living hell. It is a nightmare. It is beyond words. It is not the "obvious" type of torture or hell that other people who haven't experienced it can relate to at all. You here a story of a prisoner of war captured and improvised for years, being beaten and tortured every day and people can imagine what that is like and can understand to some degree how awful that is. But tell people you have "head problems" or "my head's fuzzy" or "the world doesn't seem real" and you get a blank stare. Because on paper it doesn't sound so bad does it? A "fuzzy" head. Sounds like you've had to many beers or something, it doesn't communicate the utter hell that this condition imposes on you. It is horrific. It is really awful. Anyone who has experienced it (or still are) understands just how bad it is. And you're right, you do feel deserving of a medal at the end of the day for faking it through, doing a good job at work, finishing a college assignment or meeting a group of friends for a few hours, when you are in this utter hell state of DR. It is it's own kind of hell because to the outside word you are normal. And that feels likes a kick in the gut. Like maybe you're making more of it then you should be and maybe you're just being a baby and need grow a pair. After all if everyone around you is telling you you seem fine (maybe a little moody or whatever occasionally) then maybe I am ok and am just making a meal of it. But no - you are in hell and you just want to grab people by the shoulders and scream into their faces "I'M IN HELL RIGHT NOW PLEASE UNDERSTAND!!!!" "I don't care how I appear or how I Iook - I AM IN HELL".
> 
> I don't know what your "spiritual" beliefs are or what you believe about the universe we find ourselves in, but the best piece of advice I can give you is to see yourself at the end of this life sitting down with a bucket of popcorn to watch your life story (with all your favorite people) do you want to be proud of what you see? Do you want to cherish that life movie? Do you want to know that you managed to live through such hellish conditions and still go to work, go to college, meet friends and family when all you wanted to do was curl up in a ball and give up. You have a choice, you can give up, you could kill yourself today OR you can treat each day as a MONUMENTAL challenge and see how well you can navigate it. Of course it's hard. It's much easier to give up. But when you get to review your life movie do you want to be proud? It doesn't matter right now if the people around you don't understand what you are going through, it would be nice if they did. You understand and I understand, and all the other people who have experienced this hell understand. It is a very very lonely road to be on and even with support from us here on forums or therapists or whoever, ultimately you are still alone with this. And that's hard to deal with. There will be times, many many times, when you will say " I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE" that is going to be common. But remember you can choose to cave in and give up or push yourself through another day of hell. Even if you don't resonate with the viewing your life movie concept, even at the end of each day do you want to feel proud of yourself for standing up and doing all you can even though you were in hell? When you come through this and you begin to live a normal life again do you want to be proud of how you handled this hell?


Beauitufl, inspirational post! Thank you for making my day a little better!

Everyday I think about this.. "If I have comitted suicide for example last october when I was LITERALLY IN HELL and thought that I wont get even slightly better, I would have missed so much... I would have missed my brother telling me that he and his wive are expecting a baby, I would have missed my boyfriend holding and touching me every night and day telling me how much he loves me.. I would have missed seeing my mom and dad smiling...My best friend's birthday.. I would have missed every single event .. Thats what keeps me fighting and pushing every single day.. that, and the HOPE that one day I will get better!

I want to see my niece when she comes into this world, I want to hold her and kiss her and give her my love.. I want to see my boyfriend graduating ,and I have made a commitment with him, I just can't leave him.. I can't leave my family.. I deep down know that I want to be here...even when I think I don't.

Don't stop fighting, please don't! I have been there so many times, I am right now. And I know that there is an escape.. sooner or later.

JUST KEEP FIGHTING, there is so much to see and do in this world.. even if it seems unreal.

I am sending you hugs and love! If you want to chat with somebody even just to vent out..I am here for you!


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## BradScottUK (Jan 30, 2016)

IAmNobody,

You've really made a very important realization!! Even while living in this hell and feeling so far removed from the "real" you, you are STILL able to bring goodness into this world, you are still able to touch people's hearts and make THEIR lives better and more meaningful. Do you have any idea how much your boyfriend cherishes being able to put his arm around you and simply love you? You have NO IDEA. Do you know how much better you make your brother's life? Or your parents life? Or anyone else of meaning to you? YOU ARE SO VALUABLE TO THIS WORLD. Imagine if you had given in last October? Just stop for a minute and really imagine (as best you can - not always easy with DR is it!?) just how much your boyfriend's life would be devastated if you weren't there for him to put his arm around you and kiss you everyday? Or the day your beautiful little niece is born and the deep deep sadness your brother feels because his wonderful sister is no longer in this world and never got the chance to meet her?

It is SO EASY to feel like we have no value while living in the hell of DR but that simply isn't true. This is a key to improving how you feel. Putting your focus more on OTHERS and how you can make life better for THEM. It is such a habit to constantly focus on our own self - how we are feeling - how horrible things are - what can I do to feel better - but all of this constant focus on ourselves only continues to fuel the fire. Start to place much more of your focus on other people. It isn't always possible. When you are in the grips on hell with DR you have very limited ability to place focus on anything in the outside world, but when you are feeling able to just focus on other people and making their lives a little better. What can you do for your boyfriend right now? Can you send a little text to you brother telling him that you love him? This will actually help you to feel better. When you focus on others instead of yourself you will naturally feel less anxiety. Same with conversations, it's easy to get wrapped up in how we are feeling and be like "Oh no they are gonna think I'm acting weird" or "Oh god I feel so distant right now I can barely follow what this person is saying to me" you know what I mean right? Shift the focus to them as much as possible and away from how you are feeling - again it's not always easy to do and sometimes it is literally impossible - but just do what you can and simply have the intention to focus on them and what they are saying.

Ultimately you are impacting people is such wonderful ways right now that you are not able to see or feel this because of the DR. But YOU ARE. And when you are better and can feel and think and function as the real you again - you will realize how much you have to give to this world and to the people around you.

Just remember - focus on others - make their lives a little better - add a little extra love to people's lives - they need it - and you have a very special and unique way to share that love that no one else can do - your boyfriend knows this - your brother knows this - your mom and dad knows this and I'm sure there are other people in your life who cherish you and the love you give to them in your own special way.


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## IAmNobody (Oct 14, 2015)

BradScottUK said:


> IAmNobody,
> 
> You've really made a very important realization!! Even while living in this hell and feeling so far removed from the "real" you, you are STILL able to bring goodness into this world, you are still able to touch people's hearts and make THEIR lives better and more meaningful. Do you have any idea how much your boyfriend cherishes being able to put his arm around you and simply love you? You have NO IDEA. Do you know how much better you make your brother's life? Or your parents life? Or anyone else of meaning to you? YOU ARE SO VALUABLE TO THIS WORLD. Imagine if you had given in last October? Just stop for a minute and really imagine (as best you can - not always easy with DR is it!?) just how much your boyfriend's life would be devastated if you weren't there for him to put his arm around you and kiss you everyday? Or the day your beautiful little niece is born and the deep deep sadness your brother feels because his wonderful sister is no longer in this world and never got the chance to meet her?
> 
> ...


Oh my God, I just cried my eyes out...I still cry...

THANK YOU, beautiful stranger for taking the time to give me strenght and support! THANK YOU!

I think that every one of us here is an amazing, loving, emotional person with a beautiful, but aching soul.. and because of our fragilness we suffer..

Thank you once again, you really made my entire day ( and week) !!!!


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## hurricane123 (Dec 15, 2015)

Hey guys I appreciate all of you for taking the time to read and reply. Status update: I am doing a little better since I wrote this, I stopped taking all supplements and my DP/DR is now the way it was before. This goes to show how much supplements can really screw with your mind; In all these years my dp/dr has never been that bad.

once again thanks for the support I don't plan on experimenting with any supplements anymore I have had nothing but bad results.


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## Livingthenightmare (Jan 12, 2010)

What's "some noopept" ? How much did you take ? Maybe you overdosed or something ? Pills or powder ? If powder you may have messed up on the dosage.


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