# DP and Love - Love is always in your heart!



## onetimeuser (Jan 17, 2009)

Hey all,

I've been through what could be described as the toughest 8 months of my life. I've been to the very bottom, and through periods where I wantde to end it all. And what was so difficult with my anxiety is that it involved the love of my life, I want to tell you my story and inspire you to get on your feet and live a happier. And to those people like me who feel like they lost the ability to love, and who go through forum and forum looking for answers, maybe I can provide this answer. I hope the long read is worth it.

After 6 months of being with my girlfiend, the woman of my dreams, the woman I loved more than anything, something happened over night that scared the living crap out of me. Irrational thoughts that I never dreamed of thinking about started occuring. "What if I don't love her?", "Is she ugly?" even though she is the most beautiful creature on this planet. I freaked out, and after a week over agonising days, restless nights, mini panic attacks, skipping college I went to the doctors and was classified with socail anxiety. The summer of love was spent worrying about these thoughts constantly, I found it so difficult to spend time with her because I couldnt concentrate on what she was saying and wanted to tell her the truth what was happening. She was comforting to me and helped me through the really difficult times, but I could only tell her a few details about what was happening because I knew if I told her what was going on it wouldve upset her so much, and that was the last thing I wantedf to do.

There were periods that I managed to shrug it off, but most of the time I found it so difficult. In October last year, my anxiety slowly started to change, and from social anxiety, I suffered depersonalisation, where I became utterly useless and felt like I wanted to die. I didnt havent any feeling inside me, couldnt feel many love or care, everytime my girlfriend held my hand i questioned whether I could feel it. I spent hours just staring into space letting time feeling the lowest of the low. I felt the linden method which I only began to start on when I was suffered depersonalisation didnt help me at all. I woke up every morning and I thought that it was going to be a bad day, there were some nights that i didnt want to wake up at all. It seem everything I tried didnt seem to work. There were days where I felt almost completely better, but I was too impatient and let the anxiety get the better of me again.

As time went by I was bringing my girlfriend down too, she was down too and couldnt provide me with the cuddles and kisses I desperately needed to try and make me feel human. I let the depersonalisation totally ruin who I was and was letting distance grow between my girlfriend and I. I was so close to breaking up with her because I was selfish to think that would help.

But everyday I knew that I loved my girlfriend, every single agonised anxious heart racing day. No matter how much my anxiety said "you don't love her", I knew that wasn't the real me. It's so scary when you feel that the thoughts are real, I know trust me. And now for the happy ending... after a year and a half of being together, we are still together, almost no anxiety what so ever, and if there is anxiety, I'm strong enough to say, well it's not true. We love eachother more than ever before.

So what are the secrets of this... I think number one is believe. If you know that what your thinking is not you, it isn't. You are strong people, you've got yourself into a cycle that seems unbreakable, but you can break that cycle. Force yourself to be how you were. When I woke up the day that I knew I had to stop it, I followed it through, and I took all the pressure off having to have an perfect day! Because when you start your road to recovery the first few days are very 50-50. You have bad moments but it's ok, you are beating it. I forced myself to be myself, and ignored the thoughts that went through my head. And at the end of each day I said to myself, "well done youve done so well today, it wasnt perfect, but nothing is perfect, and youve made an improvement". The key is to let yourself make the mistakes. And seriously get off these forums, I hope after you read this you the strength to say enough is enough, close this page and start the road to recovery. Because it is within you, you are the only one that can help yourself. Every single one of you have the strength inside your heart, follow it, know it's there.

Love will conquer in the end, I promise you. Me and my girlfriend couldn't be happier right now. If you carry on the way you are it will just add strain to the relationship. Just be yourself, and you don't have to say that you love them or kiss them every second to prove to yourself you love them. They love you for being you.  I wish you all the best, because everyone of you can have the happy anxiety free future that I will have.

Look after yourselves 
All the best xxxxx


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## 4yrsnwaiting (Jan 30, 2009)

Thank you


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## meghan28 (Jan 3, 2008)

This made my cry because I feel the same way that you have felt...I feel like something in my brain is telling me that I don't love my boyfriend when I know deep down inside I do, and I'm thinking "What if I need to be single/alone to beat this?" It hurts to think about it that way because like you said in your post it's NOT ME.

Thank you so much for sharing this, I thought I was the only one who thought that way about my significant other in the DP/DR state.

Wishing you all the best
xo


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

meghan28 said:


> This made my cry because I feel the same way that you have felt...I feel like something in my brain is telling me that I don't love my boyfriend when I know deep down inside I do, and I'm thinking "What if I need to be single/alone to beat this?" It hurts to think about it that way because like you said in your post it's NOT ME.
> 
> Thank you so much for sharing this, I thought I was the only one who thought that way about my significant other in the DP/DR state.
> 
> ...


If I'd been alone during all this I would have offed myself.


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## creativeinchaos (Dec 8, 2008)

egodeath said:


> meghan28 said:
> 
> 
> > This made my cry because I feel the same way that you have felt...I feel like something in my brain is telling me that I don't love my boyfriend when I know deep down inside I do, and I'm thinking "What if I need to be single/alone to beat this?" It hurts to think about it that way because like you said in your post it's NOT ME.
> ...


No doubt. Having supportive people around who love and care for you make life bearable... even if you don't believe them sometimes...


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