# Stranger to myself!



## jessykah714 (Apr 6, 2010)

THIS IS MY WHOLE STORY!!!(sorry it's so long lol)
Hello my name is Jessica, I'm 19yrs old && iv'e been experiencing depersonalization on and off for the past 5yrs!! I remember back when i was in 5th grade and i went on a field trip with my class to Knott's Berry Farm, when i got home i tried to fall asleep and i went into deep thinking, questioning myself asking what happens when we die? where do we go? are we re-born? does our soul live for eternity? those thoughts freaked me out! A few years later i went with my dad on a trip to Big Bear Lake for a few days and when i got back home i was experienced DR not DP. but that feeling soon went away. When i was 14yrs old i was hanging around the wrong people and they offered me crystal meth and i did it with them, the next afternoon i ended up in the ER cause my heart was beating sooo fast which caused me to panic then i got the feeling of "nothing seems/looks real". i was in the hospital for 3 days to wait for a heart specialist came to see if my heart is okay and it was. i remember coming home and i was experiencing depersonalization and high anxiety. i never told anyone how i felt and a few weeks later that feeling went away when i forgot about it, but my anxiety was still present often. so from what i can remember i have had depersonalization on and off since i was 14! but.. when it would come it wouldn't be that bad and i would easily forget about it after a few weeks or so and it would be completely gone. this year since january it hit me again and its worse than ever!!! its now constantly 24/7 && sometimes even in my dreams. my biggest fear is becoming schizophrenic or completely losing my mind! i have constant obsessional thoughts that i can't control. i have trouble sleeping. my mind races. i constantly feel like im going insane. i never leave my house unless i really have to like going to a DR app or something. i seen a nurse practitioner in feb and she prescribed me alot of strong medications which i had a bad reaction to and i told her about it but she insisted i keep taking them so i never went back. then in the end of feb i seen a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression but when i told her about the depersonalization she didnt seem to know what i was talking about so i stopped seeing her. so yesterday i went to see a different nurse practitioner/therapist and she prescribed me an anti-depressant and seroquel so im gonna try that out and see how that goes. before when i would get depersonalization it wouldn't be so bad, i would just feel like in in a dream but i would snap out of it in a few weeks. but the past 3 months have been wayyy more severe!!! i never told anyone about my symptoms for 5yrs! i was ashamed, embarrassed, and i thought i was the only person feeling this way. it wasnt until 2 months ago i decided to type in my symptoms on google and came accross DP. i knew thats what i was experiencing!! its so scary cause since january i CAN'T RECOGNIZE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR!! its kind of like looking at a complete stranger! i know what i look like and what others see when they look at me but it doesnt seem like its "Me". i look at old pictures of myself and it feels like it was someone else living my life. i also have horrible scary obsessional thoughts about my existence, i think why are we living? whats the purpose? is life real? maybe the world and the people in it are just a fragment of my imagination? am i the only person who really exist or really aware? those thoughts haunt me every single day and it freaks me out. does anyone relate to the obsessional existence thoughts or not recognize yourself in the mirror? im so afraid, i dont want to completely lose touch with reality and become some crazy person =/


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2010)

The not recognizing yourself in the mirror/or in pictures is a common symptom of DP/DR. Also the thoughts on existence are normal too. I'm so sorry that you have this. Welcome to the forums.


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## Navstep (Apr 5, 2010)

Okay, everything you've said, is me...

First off, I'm 17, and a girl, names Nav.

These thoughts of existence, questioning reality, relate to well, many things in Philosophy, you're not crazy. And do you ever get this feeling when you get far into thinking and think "how do i know i'm not the only thing to exist?" because you'd never know. Then it follows with this fuck awful feeling of, just ,what the hell is going on, what am I seeing? Just to let you know this view is called Solipsism (not sure on spelling) and that feeling is called Solipsism syndrome. Something i've just revisted, unfortunately...

I think I've always suffered from DR... I think. But it's a constant feeling, constant, always in the back of my mind, yet at the front because I'm so concerened with everything I see... and I only realised that this was an underlying thing for me yesterday... Because I had a full on attack of DR. Felt like I was going insane. I was on autopilot, yet just, watching the world pass, like, from an outsider, being mutual. Just, like I was in another world, which felt strange and unfamiliar, but I seemed not bothered yet so paranoid about it.

So, this constant feeling I'm talking about? Well before I knew what it could POSSIBLY be, I'd be walking to college, and just think, why does everything always feel so hazy? Why do I get this feeling I'm not experiencing things? E.g hearing or really fully grasping everything that's going on? Maybe I'm just young, and trying to make sense of the world.

This, MAY help you, or be of no use. But you look back to being 7, how you thought, it was, so so so fuzzy. Fast forward to 12 years old, you think you're more aware, but you turn 15, and realise, christ I wasnt aware, I'm pretty aware now! As in seeing clearly. Then you get to my age 17. I think I'm aware. But I know I'm not, I know I'll maybe never be...

When this feeling passed, after two hours or so, I got home and managed to find out it could be DR? But then, I'm so worried it's not DR and I'm mental too. And then, just now, I had another 'attack'? I don't know what to call them, episode maybe. And I went in my bathroom to calm the hell down. Looked at myself in the mirror and freaked out even more at the face I saw, I just thought, what the hell, how do I even know that's my face? It's just.. a stranger.

You have no idea how comforting it is to know someone has these kind of views too. Thinking the world may be a fragment of your imagination is something I think about so much, and I honestly cannot comfort you about that. Because I can't. The only thing I can suggest is to read, read Philosophy, turning these thoughts that I've had into real ideas, for and against, was like therapy, please. But first of all, I beg you to read this, seriously it's sort of long, but please: http://www.realitysandwich.com/gathering_tribe

Thats going to inspire you, when they talk about this constant questioning feeling being 'engraved in your DNA' it'll comfort you.

Christ, I hope I havent made a ass out myself, I just wanna help... xx


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## jessykah714 (Apr 6, 2010)

Navstep said:


> Okay, everything you've said, is me...
> 
> First off, I'm 17, and a girl, names Nav.
> 
> ...


WOW!! yupp i first went into deep thinking about the world when i was in 5th grade and it freaked me out! but then i guess i kinda forgot about it until my DP/DR started coming back., it hit me 100x worse than ever., now i obsess about those thoughts 24/7.. im sooo scared. but yeahh ill look thru that website right now && read it. hopefully these thoughts go away so i can some what feel comfortable in life without freaking out about these scary thoughts


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## no3one (Feb 23, 2010)

I understand and can relate. I've had DP/DR for about 40 years. I just wrote "Sometimes I Wish I Stayed Away." I'm in the process of reading that tribe thing. I'm very happy that you're here. It helps me a great deal to know there are others who understand.


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## jessykah714 (Apr 6, 2010)

no3one said:


> I understand and can relate. I've had DP/DR for about 40 years. I just wrote "Sometimes I Wish I Stayed Away." I'm in the process of reading that tribe thing. I'm very happy that you're here. It helps me a great deal to know there are others who understand.


40yrs? did you ever seek help when it first started? but yeah i honestly feel that this DP will never go away! i feel like the DP has taken over my life && i just don't know who i am anymore! umm well i read about that tribe thing, but i don't believe it. like iv'e had some thoughts about that but im not gonna put that in my head and just make my feelings of DP worse. i think its a bad idea to read all about that cause its kind of like those people who believe in that are just delusional. idk but thats just my opinion.


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## no3one (Feb 23, 2010)

jessykah714 said:


> 40yrs? did you ever seek help when it first started? but yeah i honestly feel that this DP will never go away! i feel like the DP has taken over my life && i just don't know who i am anymore! umm well i read about that tribe thing, but i don't believe it. like iv'e had some thoughts about that but im not gonna put that in my head and just make my feelings of DP worse. i think its a bad idea to read all about that cause its kind of like those people who believe in that are just delusional. idk but thats just my opinion.


I've always had most of the DP/DR things except they weren't "bad" until I got older and was around people more and started seeing other "ways" of being. I knew it was, I was, different but I had no idea what to call it/me except for being an alien. When I started trying to see reality and get there to live there, basically that's when my DP/DR started being a hellish thing. Back then, whatever was known about this kind of thing, never made it to the tiny shithole of a place I lived in. Not much in the way of knowledge made it there but anyways.

I had to rely on whatever knowledge was available from adults and others which was nothing. There was no way to educate myself but besides that, I didn't know what I didn't know and certainly not enough to pursue the matter in any reasonably healthy way. I thought I was weak and unable to cope and that I was stupid because I couldn't understand and...on and on. I found this site recently. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out things because there's so much of reality I don't understand. I have no idea what I don't know to even know what to ask. I have a learning disability that makes language difficult especially the verbal. It's taken me years of constant study to get to where I am with writing and reading like I can right now.

I'm always exploring and looking for something even if I might not have to. I have only started pondering the idea that I don't have to keep looking because what I did understand wasn't enough. Right now I feel pretty good about what I found here and with that I can work with what I've got. I spent a lot of time at bipolar sites reading and rereading. I was on a couple of other online support groups as well as some physical (non-digital) groups that had to do with bipolar and ADD but there were some crucial things missing for me from our little chats. I always got the blank stare with the big eyes and the raised eyebrows and the very odd silence from people just itching to share. While online (it's my way of coping and connecting) I don't remember what led me to it but I eventually found Depersonlization/Derealization on wikipedia. I followed the buzzilion links that each page offers and so on and so on. Wow you can never get done! Link after link and suddenly it's next week.

In terms of it going away...? I know that's not posible for me because I don't know anything else. Reality has been the problem for me. It's not my favorite but it's where everyone I know is and I want them to know I exist. Afterall it is all about me, you know. With anything in the world today, if it can be made useful, it has purpose. Yes that's subjective. One person's junk is another person's treasure. My "problems" other people have to take illeagal drugs and get high to "achieve." I take my prescription drugs to keep my big meanies in line. When everyone gets drunk and high that's when I fit in, basically. I make my problems useful (remember- subjective)through the study of language, philosophy, art and that kind of thing. Useful directly to no one really exactly. I'm disabled and unable to work a normal job. I'm currently looking for an unnormal job though.

About you not knowing yourself any more...It's my opinion...you are the you are referring to but since you've not been in this situation before (I mean when it first started happening) the person you were can't ever be again. You've learned things you didn't know before living through what you have been. Like if you read something that made you to think about something whether you wanted to or not. If you hadn't read it it wouldn't have affected you. Once a bell has been rung it can't be unrung - that kind of thing. To get what you read out of your head - it's impossible and keep your mind intact. You are you though, and now you go from there.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

I got Dp from crystal meth. I was coming down off the drug and freaked out and triggered dp.


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## jsbecket (Sep 28, 2012)

What you are describing is state of the art DP, if I may say so. All your symptoms are completely harmful and no more then a complex illusion that your brain conjured to auto protect. It's incredibly dreadful and horrid, but at the end it's harmful. It's like you're being attacked by a huge, dreadful bear...made of hot air! That's the crux of it. 
I've been there, i know how that feels. I remember when I was obsessing with existential thoughts and the meaning of life; I was watching Legends of the Fall, a movie that spins over many generations and I couldn't understand what purpose can it be to people little lives compared to the scale of the whole universe. The melancholy I felt then was palpable, pungent. It hurt.

But now I am completely over it. Because now I know how it works. My brain was tired and it needed mending. Your brain too. For now I can give a precious rule that you must start to observe: forget about deep metaphysical contemplation, about the meaning of life, why do we live etc...Forget about it for now. Make a habit to divert your mind from it. It is important. This type of obsessing on metaphysical is the perfect anchor for your dp state because your brain can stuck on it while there no real answer in sight; it's the perfect conundrum for your tired brain to maintain the dp. Take action. Stop your metaphysical thoughts. It is no good.


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