# Ups and downs of recovering.



## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

So the last week and a half has been a quite a roller coaster. I had a couple of really great days last week, followed by some pretty terrible days, had a mediocre weekend, but yesterday I had a good day and got a glimpse of recovery. Today I woke up feeling like crap after an amazing evening of hopefulness and reality, and knew what I needed to do to full immerse myself in this recovery; quit my job which triggered this episode to begin with.

I know quitting a job sounds pretty drastic and perhaps manic, but my job involved teaching emotionally disturbed children. We're talking schizophrenia, bipolar, BPD, you name it - I taught a kid with it. For someone like myself who entered this job with a past history of DP/anxiety/depression, I knew it was a bad idea, but I needed a stable job and health benefits. If I could go back to August and change my decision to take it, I would. I probably wouldn't be in this mess. I already had anxiety and depression over the summer and this managed to amplify it to this. Lesson learned, listen to your gut (and your mother).

Fortunately I have another job I have more flexibility with lined up. I just won't have health benefits, but luckily I can cobra in the benefits from this for a while. This job will also allow me to immerse myself back into the job world without too much stress. I need to be able to just function at this point. On my bad days I can barely get up and shower, let alone function in a job.

I decided to take a peak into my old posts from 2009 when I came to this forum, and it's helping me put some things in perspective. This whole time I re-entered this hell, I thought it was worse than last time, but apparently it's about the same. I just don't remember the severity of the episode. It is helping me for the time being, because if I recovered back then, I can do it again. I just want more glimpses of reality and some hope that this will heal itself with the help I am getting. My brain is my own worst enemy. I'm hoping this change in my life with the job situation will help me a little bit. At least I won't be wondering whether or not I have some other mental illness daily. Being face to face with that every day is really hard when you're in this state. The worst is when these kids would experience DP during panic attacks and say "I'm not real!!" and I'm thinking, wait, maybe I'm not either...thus leading to DP to the max.


----------



## Guest (Dec 12, 2012)

I agree, I have been so up and down lately. One day I am having the biggest panic attack ever being controlled by scary thoughts thinking death is the only option, and the next day I see a glimmer of hope... Then the panic starts again.

I just have to think of this image when I am going through this:










I get DP in my panic attacks like those kids and they're a horrible combo, but at the same time your story is an example of why I don't like telling people about this. I don't want to be the person that makes them spiral into this world of DP or DR.


----------



## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

L i o n H e ❥ r t said:


> I agree, I have been so up and down lately. One day I am having the biggest panic attack ever being controlled by scary thoughts thinking death is the only option, and the next day I see a glimmer of hope... Then the panic starts again.
> 
> I just have to think of this image when I am going through this:
> 
> ...


Love your diagram. Tonight I am struggling. More like anger and the "why me" feeling and then telling myself that this isn't a feeling, that I am actually dead or something. Le sigh. Come on recoveryyyyy.


----------



## Guest (Dec 13, 2012)

I know I hate it when I feel like that. One thing I have had to learn is that recovery can't be rushed. It's hard to face that, and to know that there's going to be suffering along the way, inevitably but a wise man once told me (a member of this forum, lol) that suffering is needed in order to grow.


----------

