# Okay am I even alive?...



## songflower (Aug 2, 2018)

I can't even tell what is more real - my dreams or this "reality" I can't feel... I don't feel immersed into this reality at all. Don't feel human. This constant pain in the centre of my chest, my soul aching 24/7. Going to sleep every night not sure if going to wake up and every morning is like WOW I am alive. But I can't even feel happiness. Usially people who are afraid of death are happy to live, but I do not feel alive at all. Literally every minute of every day is a struggle. Full of death anxiety, fear, feelings of how meaningless and fragile everything is. I can't even describe how bizzare it all is. I can't even believe 2,5 months before I was normal... Am I losing hope? Idk what happened to me that night. Why. Who or what did this. I have a baby, I want her to be happy, I fake emotions in front of my family members, I do everything I should do. But this pain. Why me. What is this. What should I do...


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## Chiara699 (Aug 8, 2018)

Hi songflower,
I felt exactly like you for 5 months. Right now I'm in a much better place, where I don't feel anxiety or physical pain at all, just a sense of weirdness which is totally bearable and I know I'll get over it too sooner or later. 
I don't know why this happened to me or to you. I don't know what happened that 1st February 2018. But the only way to overcome it completely is to accept that it happened and stop asking why. 
I recommend going to see a doctor and a therapist, because I've found huge relief in talk therapy. Please don't give up. I wouldn't believe I would be where I am now two months ago. But recovery is a journey. As soon as you'll start accepting that this is happening to you and you stop living in the past and questioning if you were ever fine you'll start feeling better. Trust me
Lot of love, 
Chiara


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## songflower (Aug 2, 2018)

Thank you Chiara. I really feel much better reading your reply. Thank you for the advice, I think maybe it's hormonal imbalance or nutrients deficiency or something. Adding to my anxiety. So I'll try to look in this direction. 
I tried seing a psychologist, but it didn't work for me, though I did learn some useful exercises like breathing techniques. 
I think there's a problem with "accepting". I keep reminiscing good old days and getting flashbacks from times I felt just normal, real and happy. What a gift life is! 
Can you please explain how acceptance worked for you?


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## songflower (Aug 2, 2018)

I also read your post about Zyprexa
Do you think it was the key to your recovery?


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## Chiara699 (Aug 8, 2018)

Zyprexa was a huge part of recovery because it made me feel 3D again, which is really something I was yearning for. I'm also taking vitamins and magnesium and I feel much more energized. 
Accepting is a really difficult thing to do in these cases. For me the biggest part was to understand that using my rational mind to fight my irrational thoughts and sensations was pretty much counterproductive. So I just let the thoughts flow. Memories are the worst part for me as well, because even though I feel better I remember how I was before and get discouraged. but you have to let the past go as well and try not to dwell on memories. I tell myself that it's normal that I don't remember how it felt and that I will as soon as the fog lifts completely. 
As for the anxiety and weird sensations I get, my therapist played a huge role in that. Everytime I feel more anxious or weird than usual, instead of trying to think my way out of it I close my eyes and 'observe' the feelings without judging them. 
In June I was so out of it that I read an article to my mom and fainted because I had 0 energy. I could barely go out and I didn't eat for like 2 weeks. I was so suicidal that my parents were afraid of leaving me in the house alone. 
Now I have a lot more energy, I go out whenever I want and I am even able to study. I still feel rather numb but my environment feels much more familiar. 
I decided I'm gonna stop checking this site as ultimate resolution, so if you need anything just email me at [email protected] 
I wish you all the best


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