# Now Cancer with the DP ...



## Guest (Jul 14, 2010)

Well, this has been a disturbing week for me. You hit 51 and you realize you're in a whole other world.

Last 3 days, very disturbing. Have had breast biopsy after a zillion follow up mammograms and a zilion more ultrasounds.
Bottom line from the surgeon who did the biopsy, after removing samples, before sending this to the pathologist -- "this has to go."
So, tomorrow, I may get scary news that is only part of the picture, but there is no choice, I will be having surgery ... within the next two weeks to remove this tumor. And yes, what is painful is it will affect how I will look as a woman, even the conservative initial procedure.

So this is a record of sorts I will keep as this goes along, and will of course add it to my book, or write about it separately. I have always said, "I would rather have cancer than DP/DR." Well -- not for children -- not good. Not good for anyone. However, what I have found is having a something like breast cancer is disturbing enough, but most disturbing is not death or pain or radiation or maybe losing my hair, because there are many survivors and I have more confidence in that, than IN MY CASE, that my DP/DR will "go away", but how in God's name with I deal with the anxiety and the DP/DR?

At the moment no serious increase in baseline DP/DR, but only slept 4 hours last night.

Talking with a few very loving supportive people has helped. Last night, after waking from sleep after crying, I was really DP/DR and mentally confused. After talking to a very good friend who plans to drive out here from New Jersey, about 1 hour of talking, got me back. Seeing my therapist again, I felt more relief.

And I would say, no, I am not happy that I am scared. But if I did not have DP/DR, the small joys of life that I have lost over the years, and the bigger ones, and the small joys I cannot fully appreciate though I participate in them, that does not help with my confidence or strength.

Without the DP/DR, I would feel less like now I have to face some serious crap STILL _*without a break of say, the other night, really appreciating a lovely rainy evening. Enjoying my music or singing as I did in my younger days.*_

In other words, I cannot be thankful for any courage I have that would be reinforced by good times I know I will have, and help that I will have from people I love.

That is the real bite.

The most difficult thing about this disorder is I can rise to the occasion of a personal catastrophe. But dealing with it is still extra difficult. And there is no ability to truly connect with good days.

And for those who do not think I am a fighter. I am. But do not think, as I've heard before ... oh, something serious like cancer will "snap you out of your DP/DR" ... no it doesn't. At this moment it is it's "normal, chronic level." I got scared last night about having this physical illness along with the mental disorder. I am not any more afraid or less afraid than any other woman who has been through this.

For those who attack me for "not getting better" after "all these years" because "I haven't tried enough." Today, I just feel anger at that. I have also taken care of, by myself the deaths of both of my parents. Alone, because I do not have an extended family and my parents didn't speak since I was about 12. And I happen to have two college degrees, have worked, volunteer, am married, study, have built my own website for other DPers. I have other talents I wish I could use but find to difficult to. My singing.

I am not complaining. I am perhaps going through any stage in dealing with this.
But I feel stronger than ever that my advocacy gives my life meaning, sharing current information is not whining or "acting superior." And I am NOT OLD. I am surprised. I figured, OK, when I'm 60, or 65, or 70, or 75 ... then something will lead to the end of my life -- there is no way out of that. But now, I have this fear at a YOUNG age of 51. And I am angry that I do not have children or living relatives (no siblings, never had them) and my parents are both deceased, were older, were troubled, and I have no aunts/uncles. Only some cousins that are distant.

Know that the challenge of a mental disorder only makes things more difficult. I am angry that I have to be strong re: my DP/DR and depression, worry about anesthesia, worry about possible chemo that could interfere with existing meds I don't want to discontinue.

I am not, and have not for maybe 15+ years been mulling over the meaning of death or the meaning of existence, and I also have no spiritual faith.

*I need to say this right now TREAT EVERYONE HERE ON THIS BOARD WITH RESPECT. ONLY SOME OF US KNOW EACH OTHER IN PERSON AND SEE WHO THE REAL PERSON IS, NOT THE TYPING. NOT WORDS WITHOUT EMOTION. WORDS THAT I FEEL HELP PEOPLE IF THEY WISH TO TAKE THE INFORMATION, OR LEAVE IT IF THEY WON'T.

AGAIN, IF I HAVE TO SAY THIS 5 ZILLION TIMES -- EVERYONE HERE IS UNIQUE. I DON'T BELIEVE ONE PERSON HERE ISN'T TRYING TO GET BETTER. IF YOU'VE HAD THIS FOR A DAY (WHICH AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED IS TOO LONG) OR YEARS. Know that we are all human beings, that simply want love and respect and deserve that, or have to earn it.*

I am at this moment angry, that I can't sit on my porch, before knowing more details, and enjoy the lovely day. I might go out, but I do not feel the times of joy in my youth ... that is what is most difficult for me to handle. And I know of others with cancer, my age, some younger, some survivors, some gone. I may never have a problem like this again, and it may be no big deal in the long run, but there will be other challenges. They would be easier without the DP/DR. I don't want it, when I'm dealing with this.

Respect everyone here. Try to. I hope I do. If I come across as if I don't. I apologize.
And if anything, this only reinforces everything that I am, makes me glad at the priorities in my life.

And the anxiety I have now, is the occasional leap of the heart when I wonder about the future. What I hear tomorrow. When the surgery is. And the DP/DR remain, stealing away small joys that have always been there, that will not HELP me get relief when I go through this.

But I am grateful for those who truly love me in my "real life" ... and supportive caring people here.

I will keep a record of my feelings as this is an interesting experiment.
Dealing with brain disorder AND with a psychical disorder at the same time.
And I will work even harder and NOT being overly sensitive, and will ignore attacks, I will try. But I am a human being as all of us are, and that is not always easy.

L,
Dreamer


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Hi Dreamer,

I have a lot of respect to you. I think for quite a long time actualy that you are a very brave woman and I admire the way you see and treat people here. It's true, we are all unique.
I wish you a lot of good health. You deserve it.


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## Angel_heaven (Jun 1, 2010)

My prayers are with you Dreamer and I believe that you will get through this and you are strong. You helped many people here including me! I believe God sends ppl to others for a reason and your mission was to be here for others in time of need. I am sure God will be with you because of your good deeds. Please update us on how it goes and we hope for the best!


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2010)

Thank you for the support. Very, very much.

Right now, every few minutes a wave of just scary normal anxiety comes over me, my heart pounding. Not panic. I just want to go to this doctor's office and hear what she has to say. It is on my mind and just KNOWING is better than guessing and thinking of worst case scenarios.

I will keep people posted in this section as it will be helpful for me.

<3
D


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## Guest (Jul 15, 2010)

Journal entry #2
Yes, I have breast cancer, one that is common, could have only been found on a mammogram. There is not a huge urgency for removal as I never knew how many other doctors you have to see, other tests, etc.
Oncologist
Radiation Oncologist
Anesthesiologist
Return to Surgeon.
Possible discussion of reconstructive surgery, but I'm not even thinking about that, or chemo.
Survival rate, VERY good. To be honest, I am numb. I don't care right now. Focused on simple tasks, phone calls to a few people.

Tentative surgery scheduled: 8/18. And never thought I may have to chose between a lumpectomy or a radical mastectomy.
Am taking a genetic test to see if I carry a gene. My mother and aunt both had breast cancer (my aunt died at my age of it) My mother died of Alzheimer's and lived for 12 more years. Died of something else, NOT breast cancer.. Unfortunately because I never knew much about other relatives they feel I need this test.

1. Anxiety level: much less than BEFORE the news. When nurse came in and I waited 20 minutes for the doctor, my heart was going 100 bpm. My normal is around 80. Pure anxiety, but not a panic attack. No DP.
2. She came in and I knew I had cancer, and I became very calm. No DP increase. (Not during the anxiety, not when she told me.)
3. She's a wonderful surgeon.
4. I explained about all of my mental health problems. She is actually more concerned about my anxiety and depression and DP which she has never heard about -- granted she is a surgeon -- than the cancer! Since this isn't an emergency I have time to work this out. And one of my closest friends is coming out on Monday, just to be with me. He may come back for the surgery. My husband in CA is not much help, though he will come out.

Numb. This is the definition of NUMB. Not dissociated, which I am anyway. Just, emotionless. Neither happy nor sad. Not anxious. Just ... it is out of my control, and in the control of about 5 doctors.
Very supportive women. All of them.
D


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2010)

Journal Entry #3

There is so much involved when you have cancer. A million doctors, consultations, decisions, pathology reports, confusion about what's wrong --not understanding the booklets/pictures.

Only comment today. This puts me in what I call "catastrophe mode" -- working on things to help myself, or take care of a personal mess of some sort. It is distracting -- cancer is impossibly distracting, and yes, in a way puts the chronic DP in the background. But I cannot sleep more than four hours a night. I don't like to use any extra benzo to help with that -- I only have 10 Xanax that last me a normal year. I'm trying not to take them.

I go from anxious, to crying, to rage, to being able to laugh when talking with a supportive friend, to exhaustion, to my heart pounding a mile a minute. The DP is still at its same chronic level.

I like posting here now as it is a distraction. But I fear the surgery and post op recovery. During that time, I am terrfied the DP will be horrendous. But I can't think about that. One moment at a time. And I thank GOD I am on the medication I am on and that I have a kind therapist who helps me cope though I can only see her once a month now.

Tired.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

You are going to be ok. My aunt got breast cancer and had a double mastectomy. She lived for many years without problems. You will be fine.


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

don't forget to try the kombucha tea, and tell what you think of it when you do.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

So sorry to hear the news Sandy


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2010)

Thanks all of you, so much. And Kenny, before I read this, I read your story and it had me in tears. It applies to me in certain ways. That question of why me? Why is there suffering. Why the HELL is there DP?

Oddly enough, I also think I am going to do the radical mastectomy .. I'm just saying things flat out now ... what is life, but to share these things? There are wonderful things in life, and horrible things. I first had to LOL as you said you "grew up in freakin' Orange County" -- and I grew up in "freakin' Grosse Pointe Shores" -- yeah where the Edsel B. Fords and their bazillion descendants live.

And you leave an environment like that, and travel, and see the world, and get kicked in the head and you start asking all sorts of questions.

I don't know what the Hell I'm writing as I'm still crying. But well Hell, just thank you.
I guess I mean, I feel a connection there, in different ways.
I just love what you wrote. I swear you should write a book about it, about just that, what happened, and what's happening to you know.

Here's to health and plain old peace of mind to everyone. And basic things, just love, just small things that matter.

L,
Sandy


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2010)

And Tommy, LOL. I promise re: the tea. Haven't had a chance to look for it. Will report first on how the heck it tastes, ASAP.


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2010)

*Entry #4*
None of this is ever what I imagined it to be, even though my aunt and mother both had breast cancer. It is like planning a wedding, only it's not a happy event. It's like a full semester of learning about a subject you barely know anything about (and there will be an exam at the end that you might pass or fail regardless of how hard you study).

I am so depressed tonight, which is to be expected. The anxiety I had, the worst again was NOT knowing if I had cancer. Now there is a degree of calm, and again, no increase in the DP/DR. Now there is just sadness.

My fears shift slowly. Or I can put the concept that there is cancer in my body aside for a while. I can distract myself by viewing the whole thing indeed like a case manager for my own illness.

My greatest fears, but I feel no fear now, only grief, and again, anxiety .... I feel calm/resigned so, no ... DP/DR ... same old levels as always.
*#1.* After the surgery, which is still in a few weeks due to all of the prep needed beforehand, I know I will be stunned by the change in my body. I am already shocked when I look at a photo of any woman who looks lovely in a strapless gown or sexy dress. In and of itself that loss of femininity (even though it is 'cosmetic') is truly devastating emotionally. I am afraid of how depressed I can get. Something like this one of the greatest losses in my life, I'd say it's in the top 2. It would be #2. Not having a loving parent is #1.

*#2.* Chemotherapy. I don't care if my hair falls out or I vomit or lose weight or whatever. Chemotherapy is poison. So I take poison to get better and I have no choice. And I am allowed to stay on my meds that help keep the DP/DR, anxiety, depression under control. But what will happen with the chemotherapy? One is known to CAUSE depression (a side effect). There are so many. So what will it do to the DP? --the doctor can't answer, just as "ever tumor is unique, so is every patient." Just what I always say. Everyone is unique, now, like a cancer cell.

Literally I am more concerned about my mental health than my physical health at this moment.

#3. If I must have breast cancer, why can't I get a break and have a mind that is capable of real joy. Real joy ... I haven't really felt it ... in so many years. I really don't remember when any more.
Then I say, if that is so, then why spend all of this money? This is expensive ... I'm getting all patched together physically and yet my mental health when I come out the other side stays the same, and I never know joy, or if it is even more difficult to find ... and how many times if this happens again do you fight it? I wish I had someone to live FOR. A child. A loving husband. My husband has completely freaked out, and a close friend is going to be my main supporter.

In sum, if you get physically sick, be sure you don't have a psychiatric problem before hand.

One day at a time.
I feel if I let go all of the sadness right now I won't be able to stop crying for about 2 hours.
If only the DP/DR would just go away and give me a sense of the beauty of life for a while, I feel more like a fighter.
Instead I will manage my own care and do everything to get better, but without great passoin for life, which seems completely illogical to me.

Tonight I keep thinking, life is truly absurd. I'm just sitting here calmly thinking. WTF. If you'll excuse me.

Unconditional love as a child, and peace of mind as an adult are all that matter.
I didn't ever have the first, and I have no idea what the second feels like.


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2010)

Hah.

I am thankful for my husband's excellent health insurance. And a message to all of you.

Never be without health insurance. I have heard of a woman who was 40, excellent health, who was switching from a corporate job to having her own company (and she would then purchase her own health insurance). When she left her corporate job on 12/31 of a particular year and they gave her a wonderful party, she had a window without health insurance. After three months into getting her company going she applied for health insurance, was given a physical, and they found breast cancer. That was a pre-existing condition. She could not be insured for breast cancer.

If I take a wild guess at what the next four months would cost without health insurance, I would guess .... $400,000? I have no idea. We have what is called "catastrophic illness coverage", which after you have paid $10,000 in co-pays the doctors, etc. The insurance company will take over. When you think about it, any healthy person who pays premiums into the company is actually covering my health care. How much am I worth? $100,000? $200,000? $300,000? $400,000? Am I really?

How do you measure the WORTH of a person.

And if I feel no joy, shouldn't someone who CAN feel joy have the better health coverage? Is that fair.
It is strange that I actually have some guilt over that.
Someone who is a happy, solid person, who is a mother, who might have breast cancer .... doesn't she deserve $400,000 more than I do to get well?

*Anyway, everyone please if you can get it, find a job that provides excellent health insurance. Oh and if you have a mental illness that prevents you from affording insurance ... what are you supposed to do? Are you "worth less?" Is anyone who cannot work to pay for their own health insurance "worth less" than another human being. Just things going through my mind.*

Nite


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## hidingme (Jun 6, 2010)

*Dreamer- 
i am so sorry about your cancer hon. i have had a total of 8 family members with cancer and 4 total that have it right now as I speak.
3 of them are/was breast cancer, however , my aunt's was some different kind of breast cancer and well it spread and ended up being bone cancer..but she was dxd 3 yrs ago. i just saw her recently and even tho you know she has bad days and has lost lots wieght with chemo/cancer.. she still looks happy and healthy and even energetic.

anyhow i can imagine cancer/chemo would only add to making DP/DR much worse..

just wanted to add my support and let you know i can imagine how hard it all must be..ive seen how difficult it can be.

hang in there, have faith and hope, hang on to positive reasons such as children or grandchildren and dont give up fighting. you are strong..i believe that.

Hiding*


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2010)

Dear Hiding .. ,

Thank you for your support. Every supportive comment really helps.

I'm emotionally exhausted today, may try to write another entry later -- my journal here helps as it does feel I'm talking to someone, yet I also print it out. I see my changing emotions and mental reactions day by day I see how I was initially terrified and right now more calm.

I do have a few things to hold onto -- I wish I had children mostly, but I don't, and one is at the end of September when I would I still want to do the NAMI Michigan fundraising walk. I am laughing about it at the moment. I will wear the "Bring Change 2 Mind" t-shirt with Depersonalization Disorder on it, but might have a pink bandana on my bald head, have lime green Mental Health earrings on and now be the spokesperson for people with both mental illness and cancer. At this moment, I don't care at all about how I will look, which surprises me.

But again, the journal shows me I have good days, and bad days, and I can remember the good days. I did this more with my DP/DR. I forget the good days, or better days.

That walk is on 9/25. It is a goal. My team leader said it is a good goal, but he wants me well first, but it is sort of a very solid goal to look forward to.

L,
D


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## hidingme (Jun 6, 2010)

*yeah that is a good goal and think you will stand out and make a few good statement with those colors and the meaning for them
hang in there hon
*hugs**


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## dreamingoflife (Oct 22, 2006)

Sorry to hear of this dreamer. I have read many posts by you and seen the amount of time you put in to responding to others in their time of need. You always seem like a bright and smart woman and I am truly sorry to hear you have breast cancer. I hope things work out for you and you get past this because you are a great and kindhearted person.


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