# Where is Kevin?



## Kev1n (Aug 14, 2012)

Hello everyone.

My name is Kevin, and I am from Tallahassee, Florida, U.S. 
I am 23 years old and am really struggling with this shit. 
I mean, excuse me please, but this is shit isn't it?
I actually feel a little better finding this place, and knowing that I am not the only one that is struggling with derealization/depersonalization.

Anyway, let me take this from the top, and get this process started. Please bare with me.

I grew up a happy kid for the most part. Never really got along with my dad. But i wont go into that. Do to some sexual abuse as a kid, I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, ADHD, and G.A.D and have seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists since.

As i entered my older years i ended up going through drug programs, and boarding schools, etc.

When i turned 18 and came out of my program was when things slowly started to go down hill.
There has been a decent amount of drug use since and I am sure that that has had an effect on all of this. Specifically Psilocybin mushrooms. 
In June 2010 I went to the "Bonaroo" music festival, took way too many mushrooms and ended up under my car with grass in my mouth as Dave Mathews played in the background. (don't ask, because i have no idea) My only guess is that it was my body's natural way of trying to un-poison itself, almost as you would see dogs eat grass occasionally when their stomachs are upset









Ever since this bad "trip" I have struggled with horrific panic attacks. (never had one previously so i think its safe to assume the shrooms are responsible?)
Sometime early this year, 2 years later, they went away. (i was having them weekly) I was so relieved! Then being the idiot that I am/was, i decided to go out and trip one night, about 3 months ago, with some good friends of mine, that i consider family. It was a blast. Everything was soo beautiful and bright, and cool. I had never laughed so hard and had such a good time! But then things started to become dark. My mind started to become dark. I remember seeing my friends face really puffy, and droopy. I remember I started going into this "stuck" feeling. Like, my mind was moving 3 million mph, but i couldn't control it. The noise in my head got to be way to loud for sanity. I felt a panic attack start to come on while i was tripping, which in a sense, is a bad trip.

shit.

"again?" i asked myself. I had to go out to the porch. I had to go outside. these walls were closing in. and they were closing fast. I walked outside and started to pace around. it was just sunrise. Which should of been beautiful, but what was going on in my head was to dark to let any of that morning light in.
I went back in, and got Bryan, my friend. I told him i was starting to panic, and have a bad trip. I asked him if I could talk to him outside. Of course he said yes, and we went outside. He asked me what was wrong and I explained this "stuck" feeling. It wasn't until that moment that i actually realized what I in fact meant by this "stuck" feeling. I meant that i felt like my brain wasn't able to think, that i was stuck in this sub reality. I felt no emotions besides panic, if that even is an emotion. Just then my other friend came out and asked me if i was ok. i said yea, because i didn't want to be some lame that couldn't handle a couple of psychedelics mushrooms. He went and sat on the bench on my porch and i kept talking to Bryan about how weird and distant i feel from reality. He kept telling me that of course I'm going to be feeling distant from reality, because i took the shrooms. This was different. I remember asking him if he thought the shrooms we ate were poisonous. I didn't feel like i was EVER going to come out of it. I looked up at Bryan. He was looking at my other friend on the porch. He was slouched over sideways, with his eyes rolling back in his head. WHAT?!?!?! i WAS just talking to him! He ended up coming out of it about 20 seconds later, but still, This scared the living hell out of me. Which of course, in turn, made my trip 25 times worse. I thought he was having a seizure or something.
(turned out later that he has these occasionally, its something where all the blood rushes to his brain)

FINALLY, I am able to pass out hours later, I wake up sweating profusely endless times. hot flashes/cold spells. etc.

i still feel this "stuck" feeling 2 days later, got on Errowid (drug experience index) to go get some advice, and tried to calm down. My advice WAS to calm down, and that it would pass in another day or 2. But why even that long? I hadn't taken an excessive amount on this occasion, and even at the Bonaroo music festival, it didn't last more than that 1 day. AM I going CRAZY? I remember i kept shooting out of my sleep, thinking that something was about to happen. no idea what tho. I waited another few days, and it seemed to be going away. Thank god, i remember thinking. But i have never really been the same since that situation. I went to see a new psychiatrist that prescribed me Xanax. Started at .5 but had to go up to 1mg because .5 wasn't doing ANYTHING.

Well, anyway, here we are at where i wanted to go with this originally, *sighs*
I have been on a 1 mg dosage of Xanax daily now for a little over a month. I decided to have 2 glasses of wine yesterday, 4 hours after the xanax ingestion, 1 hour apart from each other. I also smoked a fair amount of medical grade marijuana which probably wasn't the brightest of my ideas. I started to have a panic attack while on XANAX! like what? is that even possible? well it was happening. Now as a panic attack connoisseur, if you will, I was ignoring the left arm going numb, the heart rate aggrandizing, and the impending doom feeling, which happens all too much. This WASNT my problem. I started to feel really confused. I sat down at my computer, and remember looking for the poison control center phone number, so i could see if this was induced by the possible combination of the above drugs. The computer literally looked 3 feet farther than it was. My arms looked a lot longer than usual. It was like i was being stretched out of my reality. I could barely read anything, more or less think, or do anything else "normal". Finally i got the number, and paced around the back yard on the phone, shaking, voice quivering, nervous ticks setting in, etc.

The lady with the PCC (Poison Control Center) informed me that Marijuana and Xanax have no negative interactions with each other and that my extreme confusion/distant feeling, could be from the alcohol intensifying the Xanax. I asked her if just those 2 glasses of wine could of set me this far off track, and she said, that everyone drink that you have with xanax triples the effects. So basically, i broke that down to have taking 6mg of xanax. It was hard to talk, to think, to even exist. Nothing felt real. I felt so uncontrollably disconnected from everything. Thoughts of suicide flooded my mind. I cant go on like this. I cant. I paced back and forth in my driveway for about a good hour or more. Waiting on this feeling to go away. It didn't. The trees felt soo surreal, the earth, our lives, people, everything. SOMETHING IS WRONG! I noticed that it slowly started to subside as my mom got home, and i had some friends over for dinner. I remember the food tasting great, and laughing at this tacky movie we watched. "well at least there are some emotions returning" I told myself. My friends left and my mom went to bed. The feeling came back but stronger. I couldn't think of anything to calm me down. My mind is racing with thoughts that i cant identify, so it kind of just spiraled out of control until i was convinced i was losing my entire mind.

Sleep came
and now its today.

Bet you can't guess how i still feel.

Did you say "the same?"

because you're right.

Im sooooo scared that this wont go away. And I've been reading a lot, sometimes it feels like i read to much about something and actually end of scaring myself alot more :/

Anyway, this has been happening on and off, and I am temporarily self diagnosing myself with derealization/depersonalization disorder, until i can talk to my psychiatrist next week. I really want this to go away. Like, I've never felt so lost and confused. Like, is this just a stage? Does it go away? Will I be ok? Will I go crazy? AM i crazy already?

My theory is that your brain is being so over electrified with anxiety, that it simply unplugs that circuit. Well unfortunately that circuit holds all of your other emotions as well. And I think that's why a lot of people talk about feeling emotionless also. I don't know. And if somehow i do know, i don't know what i know and why. i feel like my reality is being suffocated with cling wrap.

lol?

i pray this will make sense to at least someone.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, your comments will be amazing, and I am glad i finally found a board where Im not out of place. My situation may sound a bit different, but its not. i don't think it is anyway. Well, im going to try to sleep a little bit more, and hope for the best.

thank you guys for your time,

-holding on to hope.

kevin.

p.s. I only took .5 of my 1mg prescribed daily dosage today, didn't want to push the envelope.


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## Kev1n (Aug 14, 2012)

67 views. 0 replys. :/


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## SSJ3Lotokun (Nov 21, 2011)

Yeah I agree you poured your heart too much into this to have it go ignored. This forum is pretty slow moving in general so try not to dwell on it too much.

The part about eating grass while Dave Matthews was playing made me laugh a little.

Seems like you've been through a lot man. You're in good company. Welcome to DPSelfHelp.com!


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## Kev1n (Aug 14, 2012)

SSJ3Lotokun said:


> Yeah I agree you poured your heart too much into this to have it go ignored. This forum is pretty slow moving in general so try not to dwell on it too much.
> 
> The part about eating grass while Dave Matthews was playing made me laugh a little.
> 
> Seems like you've been through a lot man. You're in good company. Welcome to DPSelfHelp.com!


haha. aint that the truth. thanx for the reply and the welcome.


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## shattered memories (Jul 19, 2012)

Welcome Kevin...thats a pretty crazy story there! Im glad you found this place and hopefully it will aid you in recovery. As for whether or not this will go away, I wish there was a definitive answer for that. People may have it for months, years, or decades. Why does it stick around for so long for some and not others? I really dont know and I dont think anyone else does either. Many people believe it is directly linked to anxiety but that doesnt explain why people (like myself) who have eliminated their anxiety still have it. I know its not the most reassuring thing to hear but I guess the best thing to do is not stress out about when it will be over but rather focus on learning how to cope with it. And hopefully recovery will eventually occur from there.


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## TheStarter (Oct 19, 2010)

Okay, first of all i thought 'Ugh' another long ass story, can't be arsed to read..

Then i just decided to do it and actually try and help you, just had this feeling you really needed it. So i read the whole thing.

The Lady on the phone couldn't be more wrong about Xanax & Alcohol, as from my own experience, i used to take 1-1,5mg xanax and drink around 5 liters of beer (Yes i had/have an alcohol problem cause it masks my DP like a beast) So that would mean that i would experience the feeling of 50-60mg xanax ? Hell i would have been dead already.

Now here are some official rules for people with DP/DR;

Stay off any Hallucinogen drugs.. well basicly stay off any Class A drug on the side (Cocaine, meth, heroin, speed and such)

But Hallucinogens seem to trigger some really bad effects.

So obviously, you are in panic, despair and just can't seem to gather your thoughts and think straight, so in my eyes, the temporary solution is this:

Ask your psychiatrist for a higher dose of Xanax (Max 2mg is my recommendation) (Extended Release preferred) or another benzo (i.e Temazepam/Librium) incase you still can't seem to relax with Xanax, and figure out what's best, besides that ask for a beta-blocker (Propranolol has been working like a charm for quite some people here) and get an Anti-Depressant that works for you. Why i advice you to use these mediciations is because they slow down neurotransmitters etc, resulting you to be more relaxed, way less anxious giving you the opportunity to think straight, now for the benzo's i would highly recommend to not use them longer than another 8-12 weeks, to avoid dependance. Ofcourse, in most cases for people with Anxiety issues and PTSD it wouldn't hurt to use them longer, but it'll require a taper scheduele after longer use, which can be tough.

I hope you are not a person that hates medication, but a Benzo and a Betablocker are some quite good medications to get rid of the anxiousness quickly.

So after you have done this, you will be able to process this whole new 'reality' gather your thoughts, and then i would advice you to get into (Group) Therapy with its focus on Anxiety and Panic attacks.

And if you end up depressed, then quickly get into a (Group) therapy focussed on Depression, because with Extreme Depressed thoughts you probably wouldn't be able to achieve the 100% effectiveness of an Anxiety-based Therapy (As far as my predictions go).

Why follow my advice?

I got my DP/DR from excessive Cannabis abuse and have had this for almost 2 years now. I have a loads of experience with medications regarding DP & DR.

So please take my advice and suggest these things i just wrote to your Psychiatrist.

*PS:

LAY OFF THE MARIJUANA, YOUR BRAIN IS IN A STATE WHERE IT CAN'T PROCESS IT POSITIVELY.*


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## Kev1n (Aug 14, 2012)

shattered memories said:


> Welcome Kevin...thats a pretty crazy story there! Im glad you found this place and hopefully it will aid you in recovery. As for whether or not this will go away, I wish there was a definitive answer for that. People may have it for months, years, or decades. Why does it stick around for so long for some and not others? I really dont know and I dont think anyone else does either. Many people believe it is directly linked to anxiety but that doesnt explain why people (like myself) who have eliminated their anxiety still have it. I know its not the most reassuring thing to hear but I guess the best thing to do is not stress out about when it will be over but rather focus on learning how to cope with it. And hopefully recovery will eventually occur from there.


thank you for kind words and your input!


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## Kev1n (Aug 14, 2012)

Don Steffa said:


> Okay, first of all i thought 'Ugh' another long ass story, can't be arsed to read..
> 
> Then i just decided to do it and actually try and help you, just had this feeling you really needed it. So i read the whole thing.
> 
> ...


gotcha! yea, my pschiatrist actually upped me 1.5 and that seems to be working alot better. Its just hard having the thoughts that come with this. like "am i gonna have to live like this forever?" "will i ever feel 'normal' again" u know. the usual. He also started me celexa so im hoping it works for the better also!
Thanx for your time in reading my story. and thanx for some great advice! ill keep everyone updated! thanks again


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## healingdove (Sep 1, 2012)

Kevin, I'm 26 yrs old and I totally get your story. I had never even had a panic attack or anxiety until a few months ago when it was LSD/trauma induced (I actually was attacked while on LSD and just thought I was just having a bad trip--there is nothing more f*cked up on the planet than that, let me tell you...).

Anyway, a few words of advice... give up drugs completely, except for medications prescribed to you. I do occasionaly have a glass of alcohol now that I think I can handle that, but I have a true fear of ever feeling more "altered" than I already feel and I know that drugs make me feel altered (even pot) so I avoid them. My panic is also greatly reduced when I avoid most white sugar and caffeine and eat whole foods and exercise.

One of the best advice that I got is to to give my central nervous system a total break!In the early days post lsd/trauma I could hear EVERYthing, all of my senses were heightened and it was exhausting. So I was told to go to quiet places like the forest/beach, get away from the noise (crowded places, traffic, etc.). Avoid TV (super helpful). Instead, do artwork, read, lie down and breathe and medidate a bit. Stretch. Exercise. Get massages (YES). These things helped me immensely and I think I need to go back to doing this. Let me know if you want to chat more.


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