# I need some reassurance - and please reply to this



## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi there. I discovered this site some 6 months ago, when I finally realized that something was wrong with me, and that my detached existence was not a result of being stoned 24/7. 
I was a major pothead all throughout undergrad, and once i got into law school, and quit pot, I couldn't get out of my head, and I freaked out. I dropped out of school, and started looking for answers. A google search - "living in a dream or movie" - led me here. 
I know that this is all from drugs, and I feel like a moron. Whatever. I went on meds, but quit a couple of months into it. I can't remember the name of the drug now. I'll get to that later. Being on an anti-depressant depressed me, if that make sense. I've been of it for around 2 1/2 months, and have not touched drugs for 3 months.
My story is much longer, but somewhat similar to some I've read here, so i'm not going to bother with it.
I'm not even sure whether I have dp or dr. All I know is that it is really disturbing, but it has not affected me functionally. I do not have a hard time leaving my house, or anything like that. In fact, I was quite popular in university. I did very well, had girlfriends all the time, worked out like crazy, and captained the soccer team. An overachiever, sorta.

Anyway. I dropped out of law school, and am now in Africa, doing something crazy, because I thought that would shock me back into reality. Africa is by all means shocking.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling better - i think. I'm no longer depressed over my law school drop-out debacle, and do not ruminate over it anymore.

So. What I'm looking for is some validation. Am I recovering? This is what I'm experiencing:
- Objects seem a bit more distinct, crisp. Depth perception is still messed up, but a bit better than before.
- I don't recognize that I actually exist until I force myself to do so, and then it only lasts for a few moments. You know, that feeling that you're seeing the world through your eyes, which are on your face, and not that ur mind is just floating somewhere. Agh, this is so abstract.
- At times, I get startled by my own movement, like there's someone else in the room.
- I get excited, and then anxious, and then I feel like dp takes over again.
- TV screens (when on) can be distinguished from their background.
- I cant think straight sometimes. Being coherent is sorta difficult (so excuse my incoherence).
- Memory is sorta messed up (never was before)
- I feel good at nights, and when I'm alone, but dp seems to take over again when, for example, someone walks into my office or room. Anxiety?

Ugh, yeah. Its so hard to put this down, because it doesn't make sense.
I hope those of you that have recovered will share ur recovery experiences with me. Let me know how it was for you, so that I know if I'm on the right track.

You guys are awesome. Hang in there, life is worth it, even if we have to suffer like this


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## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

Alright I just read over my post and I think came off as a jerk - sorry if I did! I guess I was just having a bad night.
Also, thought I'd add this:
- I feel like I can semi-snap out of it when alone. Like I will look at my arm, think "hey that looks familiar" and then soon enough snap out of it.
I just want to know if I should be happy about this, or if I'm just so desperate that I'm finding hope where there isn't any..
I know I should be positive, believe me, I am. I dance around my house for like half an hour a day because of this new-found optimism. I just dont want to be setting up myself for disappointment


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## gogu (Jan 15, 2008)

Hey dude,

I know what you are going through and I also think that this is a "transition" towards getting rid of DP/DR. The short periods when you feel back on track again also sound very familiar... Although I feel very disappointed when I go back to the DP, anxious state of mind. I think that meditation and trying to let your mind go pass all the negative thoughts helps a lot, try to relax more. Optimism is also very important but for me most of the time this meant extra-anxiety, an urge to go out, play basketball, go dancing in the club, just exhaust myself. Anywayz, feeling "real" again even for some moments is a very good sign..and you must believe that. We'll get out of this shit..one step at a time.
(sorry for my incoherence, not a native English speaker)


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## Rilke (Dec 22, 2006)

Hey!
It sounds to me like you're doing great, doing everything you possibly can do! DP/DR is tricky and those of us dealing with it have to be resilient and flexible. Having moments of "reality" or "clarity" was huge for me when I first started to recover. It gave me hope that this was beatable and that all I needed to do was keep living my life and someday all this would be behind me. Anxiety is a huge contributor to DP so it's not surprising that you seem to experience it more when you are in the company of others and less when you are alone. I think just getting it in your mind that you are going to enjoy every second of life, working on whatever issues contribute to your anxious state and never giving up seeing yourself recovered is essential! It sounds like you are doing all those things so just be patient. One thing I read on this sight that has helped me immensely is that we need to get to a state where we really don't care about the DP anymore. If it comes "so what", if it goes "who cares?", if it comes back "oh, well". I know it seems impossible to think that way but it really helps. As long as we keep giving DP our emotion, it keeps controlling us! Good luck to you!


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## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

Rilke said:


> Having moments of "reality" or "clarity" was huge for me when I first started to recover.


Rilke so did u recover? In other words, am I on the right track?


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## Rilke (Dec 22, 2006)

Yes, I did. My first bout with dp/dr was HORRIBLE. I was terrified, overcome with anxiety, agoraphobic... all the normal stuff (normal for people with dp). I went to every doctor, had 4 MRIs, saw 3 neurologists, the whole nine yards. The eventually put me on xanax and lexapro in addition to a migraine preventative. I'm not how sure how much the meds really helped, lexapro made me sleepy but the xanax really aided me with my anxiety and at least helped me mentally deal with the DP. Eventually, after about 4 months of constant dizziness, dp/dr I was just sick of thinking about it. I determined I was going to have it forever and I was just going to have to learn to live with it. Then, this miraculous thing happened, it started to go away. It would happen in brief flashes at first, I would get so excited, then nervous, then BOOM, back into the DP. I was so frustrated. It seemed the more emotion I attached to it, the worse it became. After that I had some stress in my life and I was sooo busy I barely had time to sit down, I was DP free for almost a week before I even noticed I wasn't thinking about it anymore. I started thinking that might be the ticket, to stop noticing it. I was DP free from March of 2007 until July of 2007 when I had a brief relapse, about 4 weeks due to the death of my grandmother and my divorce. I started getting more involved in life again, working on my depression, helping others and it started to go away again. I was DP free again from July of 2007 until February of 2008. More stress but not so hectic that my mind was completely occupied with my stress and there comes my DP back again. It was pretty bad for around 6-7 weeks but already it is starting to fade again. This is just how my mind has chosen to deal with stress and anxiety. I am working in therapy and beginning to learn why this is the case for me and how to try to adjust the way my mind handles perceived threats. 
I think you are on the right track, you are getting involved in life, doing what you like. Just don't over analyze your progress, you can definitely keep track of yourself- that can be helpful- but paying too much attention to every detail of your recovery just makes you focus more on it. I think it's just a matter of time for you before you are completely better again. This is not a health problem, not really a mental problem, it's just an unsettling shift in your perception of the world. It's funny but when you're in the middle of dp NOTHING is more disturbing, when you recover, you think, "Why was I so worried about that ? It wasn't that big of a deal!" Of course, you still feel stressed when/if it comes back but the reality is that it's really just a tiny shift in what you THINK is real, reality is the same! You'll get well and you'll be 100% again! 
Ps- so sorry for the long post, I'm a bit long-winded!


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## Mani (Mar 27, 2008)

Hi Rilke, absolutely loved your post because you hit the nail on the head. I have been having some 'real' moments too recently and it feels so good, i end up getting really excited only to fall back into dp a few seconds later. I know what u mean when u say why was i worrying about that? but when i am back into dp its like the end of the world, currently i am going from crying and feeling suicidal to feeling hopeful and encouraged, so extreme, is this because i can compare the two perceptions now do u think? did u feel like this? its funny because i know all the advice and i know it works but cant seem to stick to it when i am in the pits of it. i get so carried away when i come home from work, even after a hard day, and dont feel like ive done anything all day, the journey home is the worst because i cant get my head around it, and at the same time i know i should just carry on accepting these feelings. do u have anything else you can add to this? would really appreciate it? i know it may be hard for you to comment but do u think i am recovering?

Mani


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## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

Mani I know exactly what u mean! Most of the time, I feel like reality is right there, right at the tip of my tongue - so to speak - but when i focus on it i revert back. 
I'm back home now, and I'm going out every night - I realized that socializing is essential to recovery - i think.
But i do feel like I'm recovering. Not because I feel like I'm back in reality, but because I feel weird constantly. This must be dp wearing off, otherwise I wouldnt feel weird. I just think it takes time, because reality is really overwhelming when you've been dped for years.
Getting back into your own body, reconciling with your ego, losing that blurry vision bs, forming relationships with people and KNOWING - KNOWING who they are, what ur history with them is, and realizing that they too are individuals, just like you, and, what i miss the most: that 'feeling' that accompanies settings; that 'driving in the mountains' feeling,' 'being in the supermarket feeling' - anything. I'm rambling
I need to get out of this.
Rilke! Mani and I need your input!


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## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

what i should add - what i've said before - is that sometimes i'd be back driving, feeling all dp-ed, when i'm surprised by my own hands, or nose even, or if I scratch my face I just feel like I actually am scratching my beard. I dont know. That gives me hope. Sound familiar?


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