# Completely defeated.



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I am done you guys. I want to end this. DP won. I have fought it 8 times and this time it won. There is no return for me. I am completely GONE. Don't even know what on earth is typing this to you. Picture the emptiest body there is, and that is my form right now. I can't talk, I can't walk, I can't do any fucking thing. I feel like it's come to this . I do not want to even try to go on. There is nothing that is going on...no presence nothing. No consciousness. Completely done


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I have fought it 8 times and this time it won.


Has it come and then gone away 8 times?


----------



## yesitis (Jul 30, 2016)

Yes I understand you. I am so used to it that I even don't think about it anymore, until I someone wants me to do some shit or starts blame me for laziness, I hate it so much. I believe one day I will restore, because I think the environment causes it and nothing but moving to remotest site possible will help, you should find the cause too, and don't blame yourself much


----------



## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> I've felt like ending it so many times that I've lost count, so I can relate to how you feel. However, last night I had 5 hours of uninterupted sleep & my outlook has changed. What led to that? I had a hair mineral analysis test. It revealed arenal fatigue. That causes Cortisol & Adrenaline to rise, thus stopping sufferers from sleeping properly. I took a herbal supplement that naturaly lowers Cortisol & Adrenaline. Day 3 on it, & I slept normally last night for the first time in years.
> 
> I'm not saying that you have adrenal fatigue, or that the supplement I took will help you. What I am saying is that if you hang on in there & keep trying everything you can to get better, you might end up finding something that works for you.
> 
> Hang on in there, please!


Glad to hear you got some sort of result you can work with. 

Coffeegirl, just try to do the best you can. Don't feel like you have to do anything though. Work with your body and mind, even if they both feel like utter shit. It's okay to function at a low level for a while. Just try to exist and be in the moment as much as you can. Is there anyone you can talk to in person, some place you can go for support? Failing that please talk to your psych about something to help you through this.


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

DONT GIVE UP!

Even if all you can do is lay in bed and do nothing else....There IS an answer to this and you WILL find relief!

At the moment I know it doesnt feel like that but that WILL change....I promise!

We all on here feel your pain! We know exactly what you are experiencing!


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

surfingisfun001 said:


> Has it come and then gone away 8 times?


I have found my way back those times. This time seems completely impossible to find my way back. My being is no where. Other times I could catch hold of myself out in the air or whatever. This time is complete hell times 50. I have continued to do life (work, socialize, drive, exercise) and honestly I think it's made it worse. I really need the time and support to heal but financially I cannot stop working. My parents and friends definitely don't know how serious this is effecting me. My boyfriend is the only one now that knows how bad it is and he is working with me to get help. I can't even get out of bed and walk. I don't speak ever anymore. I don't exist


----------



## Anersi (Oct 15, 2015)

You do exist, you are telling us about it. I have had DP / DR in periodes from the year you was born. I have been working and done normal things all the time, just like you. To do these " normal " things is often very very hard, if you feel you need to do just nothing, then do nothing, just stay in bed, close your yes and try to relax for a moment..????


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Anersi said:


> You do exist, you are telling us about it. I have had DP / DR in periodes from the year you was born. I have been working and done normal things all the time, just like you. To do these " normal " things is often very very hard, if you feel you need to do just nothing, then do nothing, just stay in bed, close your yes and try to relax for a moment..????


I disagree that I exist. I exist as a shell but that is not our existence. We have beings that should be in our shell. I am merely a body and brain. That is what is telling you this. Not Annie who used to live in this shell. Annie is gone. There is no relaxation ever.


----------



## Guest (Aug 1, 2016)

During those good times when you feel in touch with reality, write a letter to yourself. Write about how good you feel. Read the letter over and over when things get bad. It will remind you that reality exists and this will pass.


----------



## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I am done you guys. I want to end this. DP won. I have fought it 8 times and this time it won. There is no return for me. I am completely GONE. Don't even know what on earth is typing this to you. Picture the emptiest body there is, and that is my form right now. I can't talk, I can't walk, I can't do any fucking thing. I feel like it's come to this . I do not want to even try to go on. There is nothing that is going on...no presence nothing. No consciousness. Completely done


When did you first get it? And how old are you now? i'm sure at some point you were feeling normal, and you've had some good periods here and there. That part of you is still in you, it always has and always will.


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Pondererer said:


> When did you first get it? And how old are you now? i'm sure at some point you were feeling normal, and you've had some good periods here and there. That part of you is still in you, it always has and always will.


First got in 2009 I was 27...now 34. If it's in me why cant I even stand up? I don't how you guys think we are still there somewhere. Where are you referring to? I don't think ppl experience it like I do or something by the way ppl talk about it on here. I mean I am soul less, spirit less, heart less, lifeless shell.dead feeling. In pain every minute. No where near my body.


----------



## Anersi (Oct 15, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> First got in 2009 I was 27...now 34. If it's in me why cant I even stand up? I don't how you guys think we are still there somewhere. Where are you referring to? I don't think ppl experience it like I do or something by the way ppl talk about it on here. I mean I am soul less, spirit less, heart less, lifeless shell.dead feeling. In pain every minute. No where near my body.


 I struggle with the exactly same symptom as you are Annie. The extreme anxiety make us feel like an empty schell. " Annie," and in my case " Anders," can't be found in other way than a mental experience. When anxiety fade away " Annie and Anders " will return.


----------



## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Do you have the blank mind too Anersi? Are you in constant panic?


----------



## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> First got in 2009 I was 27...now 34. If it's in me why cant I even stand up? I don't how you guys think we are still there somewhere. Where are you referring to? I don't think ppl experience it like I do or something by the way ppl talk about it on here. I mean I am soul less, spirit less, heart less, lifeless shell.dead feeling. In pain every minute. No where near my body.


So that means you have 27years of normalcy to refer to. I have 25 years (my whole life) with this existensial hell, with some good periods in between. The way i see it, you have a huge advantage (over me), even tho you are in worse condition right now than i am. But i have often felt exactly what you describe.


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Pondererer said:


> So that means you have 27years of normalcy to refer to. I have 25 years (my whole life) with this existensial hell, with some good periods in between. The way i see it, you have a huge advantage (over me), even tho you are in worse condition right now than i am. But i have often felt exactly what you describe.


Heavens no. That's only when DP started. I have struggled with dissociation since 20.


----------



## Lexy13 (Jul 31, 2016)

I understand your pain 'coffee girl'. I have felt like ending it too at times. And I have also felt like I have been accused of laziness when there is something else going on. That disconnection from myself and from the world. 
I have had depersonalization since I was a kid but most noticeably from hs and I have had it come and disappear since then. It's definitely hard to build a life and a sense of consistency for oneself. 
I am almost 50. I was without symptoms for 6 years and then a year and a half ago it came upon me again and it's been hard to defeat. Sleeping is an issue. I wonder what herbal remedy someone who responded to you was referring to. But I do hold out some hope. It's not easy to do, but I think that possibly with therapy and the right medication something will help. Using a stimulant during the day, something like Ritalin, has helped me be less lethargic. I'm trying to keep up the hope. But I understand it's hard.


----------



## Anersi (Oct 15, 2015)

mezona said:


> Do you have the blank mind too Anersi? Are you in constant panic?


 No i have not a blank mind mezona, quite opposite, i obsess and ruminates over things in life that feels very stressfull and gives me anxiety.


----------



## i_feel_trapped (Jul 19, 2016)

Wear something around your wrist so when your DP gets really bad, just look at it as a reminder that it will simmer down and that you'll be okay. Even if its 24/7 it will end someday. You just have to stick through this and one day this will all seem like a bad dream. I've had 24/7 severe DP DR for a year now. Best of luck. PM me if you want to talk, that goes for everyone reading this, I check my inbox every day to 2 days.


----------



## Guest (Aug 10, 2016)

A lot of people do experience it the way you do so don't say that girl???????? others might experience it mildly And others severely???? I happen to have severe dp with a completely blank mind and yes I'm miserable but there is nothing I can do but my best. I get it because sometimes I want to end it and finally be in peace but reality is we all will get better and be back to a normal functioning peaceful body and we will appreciate every ounce of it!


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I just don't know how ones whole being can disappear. How I have to work to be alive now? You guys does this go away? I don't feel like I exist or that I am even alive.

Do you guys all experience no presence of identity?

Do we create this or does it just happen?


----------



## Guest (Aug 13, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I just don't know how ones whole being can disappear. How I have to work to be alive now? You guys does this go away? I don't feel like I exist or that I am even alive.
> 
> Do you guys all experience no presence of identity?
> 
> Do we create this or does it just happen?


Yes, I have this also. I have no "me" anymore. No "self".

Just an empty shell and not sure who the person is that is typing this. A total stranger and disconnect to my old self. I also don't feel "here" or alive.


----------

