# anyone else's DP-"how it began"-story NOT drug rel



## flowingly (Aug 28, 2005)

My symptoms had not begun after smoking, overdosing, inhaling, sniffing, or anything else drug-related. I cannot pinpoint an event or specific time it "just happened." It was more a process. I cannot relate to the drug-use stories, and am curious if others have DP that had not begun with drug use?


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## flowingly (Aug 28, 2005)

I assume my title was too long. That last term was RELATED.


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## moonDust (May 18, 2005)

I never saw any drug in my life, not even "weed" or any another easy drug. mine is totally anxiety fueled.


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

HI ALL IM LISA 27 FROM CROYDON, I HAVE SUFFERED FROM DP AN DR SINCE I WERE ABOUT 8 
I HONESTLY DONT KNOW HOW OR WHY IT STARTED MY PARENTS TOLD ME I HAD NIGHT TERRORS SINCE I WERE A YEAR OLD TOO UP TO AGE 5 OR 6 
I HAD THE FEELINGS OF BEING IN A DREAM, NOT REALLY THERE, ETC SINCE I WERE 8 I REMEMBER MY MUM AND DAD RUSHED ME TO THE HOSPITAL BUT OBVIOUSLY THEY COULDNT HELP ME WE ALSO WENT TO THE DOCTORS AND THAT WERE NO USER EITHER ALL THEY DID WAS ADMIT ME TO A PLACE FOR CHILDREN WITH BEHAVOUR PROBLEMS AND I WAS LOOKED UPON AS A ATTENTION SEEKER THIS ONLY MADE ME WORSE AS IT REALLY SCARED ME I HONESTLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING MAD. WHEN I HAD THE FULL BLOWN ATTACK I WOULD GET HYSTERIACAL MY PARENTS USE TO SLAP ME AND SCREAM AT ME TO STOP IT BUT IT ONLY MADE THE ATTACK WORSE 
I STARTED SELF HARMING AS SOME DAYS THE UNREAL FEELING WAS CONSTANTLEY THERE IT WAS LIKE A RELEASE 
I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK BELIEVE ME WITH THIS IVE ENDED UP IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL I HAVE 2 BOYS AND I HAVE LOST CUSTODY OF ONE SON BECAUSE MY EX CLASSED ME AS A PYSCHO AND A NUTTER BECAUSE OF THESE ATTACKS 
BECAUSE THE PLACES I WERE GOING TO DID NOT THINK I HAD THIS INFACT THEY JUST SAID I HAVE A MULITIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER WHICH IS TOTALLY UNTRUE YES I HAVE MY LOWS BUT WHO WOULDNT WHEN YOUR GOING THROUGH THEASE WEIRD ATTACKS?????
IM STILL SUFFERING NOW SOMETIMES ITS AS THOUGH THE ATTACKS PLAY GAMES WITH ME IF I MANAGE TO CONTROL ONE THEN THE NEXT ONE COMES TWICE AS BAD 
IM JUST HAPPY I FINALLY FOUND OTHER PEOPLE WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS NOW I NO LONGER FEEL SO ALONE


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2005)

I think I may suffer from something similar (not drug-fueled), but I can't be too sure. Please see my post titled 'Stress-induced DP/DR?' in this forum. Thanks!


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

The cause of my DP is not drug related either. I was six years old when it first happened. I was thinking about God when when this weird adrenaline rush came over me. It became constant a couple years later, 24/7. I don't know if it was the God thoughts that did it or some childhood trauma. Or maybe thinking about God is traumatizing for a child so young.


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## Luka (Aug 30, 2005)

My DP/DR is also not drug-induced. I was abused when I was little and escaped it by dissociating (unconsciously). I have DID now and DP/DR is just part of the package.


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## Guest (Oct 4, 2005)

*Hola,
Ummm........no, I dont believe it was drug use that brought me to this dance. However I believe a healthy dose of non stop stress and mental anguish may of had something to do with it. :wink:

Best, 
Tony*


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## Guest (Oct 8, 2005)

peacedove said:


> The cause of my DP is not drug related either. I was six years old when it first happened. I was thinking about God when when this weird adrenaline rush came over me. It became constant a couple years later, 24/7. I don't know if it was the God thoughts that did it or some childhood trauma. Or maybe thinking about God is traumatizing for a child so young.


this just reminded me of something...i remember standing out by my house in the dark...at a young age...like 7 or 8...praying to God...to save me.....a strange "feeling" came over me...and i think that's when it started....i dont think it was finding out i was adopted that triggered it...


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

i still cant explain what started it although the other day i was sat in my front room and this horrible feeling of dread washed over me and that feeling took me straight back to when my dp/dr was at its worst that horrible feeling was with me constanley all them years but luckily it went within 5 mins i honestly dont know how i coped!!!!! it was scary!!!! :shock:


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## travellight (Jan 21, 2009)

No I feel you. I've never tried a drug in my life.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I still don't know the cause of mine. I had never touched a drug or been abused before it happened.


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## drawynitsed (Dec 14, 2008)

Mine just happen over night. One day I felt normal, the next day I "woke" up DP'd. I've been this way ever since. But I was raped when I was very young and used to see "Shadow figures" throughout my childhood. So, that's probably why mine started.


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## dalispirit (Feb 1, 2009)

peacedove said:


> The cause of my DP is not drug related either. I was six years old when it first happened. I was thinking about God when when this weird adrenaline rush came over me. It became constant a couple years later, 24/7. I don't know if it was the God thoughts that did it or some childhood trauma. Or maybe thinking about God is traumatizing for a child so young.


The SAME thing happened to me. I was about 8 or 10. The next day i knew something was wrong. It was like....i just knew...i'd look in the mirror...and would barely recognize myself. :shock:


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## brokenheart (Mar 13, 2009)

Mines is not drug-related either. I think it all started when I was young because I had no one to talk to about my problems. I would always keep things inside of me. I couldn't talk to my mom because she wouldn't understand (speak another native language) and I had no sisters. My brothers would be boys and they wouldn't care. So, I would just keep things inside and try to ignore them but I would still have them in me. Then I guess it led to stress. Idk, it seems like a blurr now. But I'm living with DP and it is a tough job to live with. I just wished I was back to normal again.


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## dreamblkgold (May 19, 2009)

My DP started when I was around 8 as the result of sexual abuse (although, I really dont see it as sexual abuse - but as an 8 year old kid is ANY sex NOT abuse). I was sleeping over with my cousin and he was penetrating me. I didnt want to tell him to stop because there was a part of me that liked the feeling, but in my mind I felt that it was wrong. So I just went "somewhere else" and never told him to stop. I was so conflicted by enjoying the feeling but feeling that it was wrong that I wasnt able to deal with it.


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## Shiney (Sep 6, 2009)

finally DPD in someone who isn't a stoner.
Yeah, I got DPD & DRD like this: First there was stress
then my friends left
then I was super depressed
then I was manic
then I had a mental collapse and more depression
then the old me died from an existential crisis

then my brain rewired with DPD and it never left

behold the ascetic DPD story : )


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks for your posts, guys. Mine started after a breakup; I'd had brief instances of it before, over the years, but each one was just for a minute or two. This last time has stuck for a few years. I think it's getting better, little by little; sort of hard to tell, but I'm getting less numb. Great to know I'm not alone.


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## punKrockeR (Oct 4, 2009)

flowingly said:


> My symptoms had not begun after smoking, overdosing, inhaling, sniffing, or anything else drug-related. I cannot pinpoint an event or specific time it "just happened." It was more a process. I cannot relate to the drug-use stories, and am curious if others have DP that had not begun with drug use?


Mine was exactly the same as yours, I've had depersonalization for as long as I can remember though it gradually got worse and worse until I was about 17 or 18 where I worked out what was wrong. I don't recall ever experiencing anything traumatic and I was never abused, I just guess I'm unlucky. I'm 19 now and I've since smoked weed, tried ecstasy and other amphetamines and it neither made my problem better nor worse. So it's definitely not all drug-related.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

i just went through a huge transition and if DP is really what i am going through then mine was stress/anxiety related NOT drug related.

it was a in a moment....i was whole, fine and the next i was not. the feeling i have now is not being attached to my body at all. So what does that make my body? i don't feel like my body has a person attached to it at all right now. i don't feel like a human being much less me. can anyone else related at all? i don't have symptoms of feeling like i'm in a dream or floatiness or anything like that. just totally detached. my outer shell is all by its lonesome without the substance of me attached.


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## juanita32 (Oct 7, 2009)

Mine started after a car accident. The car ended up over my head. I was taking meds because a little bit of blood on my brain and the doctor told me not to drink but i did, just one glass tho. Well, while my friends were talking and having fun I was thinking about the doc telling me not to drink, then a panic attack started, I run home and I really though i was dying. It was my first panic attack and my mom started praying and telling me that everything was good and I screamed aloud I'M DYING!! (of course I wasn't). My mom talked to me about other stuff and cover my face with a blanket and then the dp started, it felt so good, i felt protected and i knew i was not going to die. After that i had dp regularly (since i lived with abusive parents, my dad was a pedophilic and my mom knew about it and she was an alcoholic, etc, etc). I got married to run out of my house but it got worst. I'm 35 years old. Today, reading a book about anxiety I realize I have dp and it felt good. I cried since I thought i was the only one in this world that felt dead being alive....I know i'm going to get better because if I lived this way for 17 years, no way I'm going to spend one more day with this think NO MORE!!!! I'm thinking in buying the Linden Method Program...some advice please will be appreciated. LOVE U GUYS!!! I REALLY DO...


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

hi guys

ive not been online here for ages .. BUT i am that traumatised i didnt know where else to come .. (

i have been having severe DP/DR and mind blanks - it is FREAKING ME OUT !!

i cant leave my bedroom .. been in here for nearly 12 hours .. (

i started to feel pretty depressed and i went to my doctor 4 days ago who prescribed me *citatropram* - OMFG !!! ..

i have rapidly gone downhill .. only been on it about 4 days .. i soooooo .. dont wanna take it anymore .. i dont know what to do .. prob ask the doctor to put me on prozac something i was used to .. before ..

least im not like this !! .. i know before i was miserable but now looking back on it at least i could do basic things like cook a meal .. atm i cant even go to make a cuppa tea .. (


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## LISA NICHOLS (Sep 3, 2005)

e.mail me

[email protected]

u can add me on FACEBOOK too if u wanna .. just put that e.mail in search bar should come up with me im LITTLE LISA .. X!


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## sedesrem (Nov 21, 2009)

yeahh ive never did drugs , smoked, overdosed or anything ! 
but i know when i was younger i had issues with my self esteem.. 
and got mad all the time..
maybe thats what happened..


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## Borisus (Nov 13, 2009)

It seems a lot of people with personal experiences in their youth have had sme DP occuraces. I definitely have. Mine started when I lost a person I cared for a great deal, and the drugs only made it worse but those came much later. 14 onset, 16 drug-use, 18 DPD and now I'm almost 24 still with DPD. So there's a good 4 years there with and without drugs where the DPD did not happen. I posted my story a couple hours ago actually, if you wanted to check it out. it's called "the downfall"


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

drawynitsed said:


> Mine just happen over night. One day I felt normal, the next day I "woke" up DP'd. I've been this way ever since. But I was raped when I was very young and used to see "Shadow figures" throughout my childhood. So, that's probably why mine started.


I was raped when I was young, also. I dissociated so much during school that my teachers hated me. I went to counseling throughout my elementary and junior high school years, but nothing good came out of it. How does a child verbalize that they've been violated by members of their own family? They usually don't. I also became a teenage alcoholic and sex addict. You would think after being raped and molested multiple times, I wouldn't want anything to do with sex. It was the only way I knew how to get close to a girl or woman, and the only thing I felt I was good for.

Do you have PTSD?


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## AimlessH (Dec 14, 2009)

I had my first episode at 9 or 10 years of age. I was thinking about space and the universe one night as I was trying to fall asleep. I began to ask myself all sorts of strange and unanswerable questions. I can't tell you why I was having an exestential debate with myself at that age, but I was. I ended up having a panic attack. I leapt out of bed, and ran to my door, grasping the knob. I suddenly felt like everything around me was all an illusion. I was dreaming awake. I didn't want to wake up my parents, but I was terrified.

For the entire summer I stayed wholed up in my room. The only way I could verbalize what I was experiencing was "It feels like I'm dreaming." My parents were out of their depth and told me it was just a 'phase' and tried to reason with and relate to me. It's happened about 4 times since then, over a span of 13 years. Lasting anywhere from 2-10 months each.

But, I generally always have a lingering sense that something is different. Like a switch that can be turned on or off I can percieve in the blink of an eye that I am not who I am or where I should be. And just as quickly it can dissipate and I am a little shaken, but move on with my normal life.


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## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

Mine's totally anxiety related....which is probably the best way to have it...? control the anxiety and everything will eventually even out.


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## Guest (Dec 16, 2009)

.


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

Ellatree said:


> I was thinking about my existence. "WHO AM I?" were the exact words. I was about 8 or 9 years old... It happened the moment as i was starring in the mirror. I then felt a horrible feeling like I didn't know who i was. The esperience would take place about once a month till i turned 12/13. Oh and I always had a panic attack after the experience of dp (dettachment). When i was 13 i began to experience it for longer.. days at a time. And i also began to experience derealization. I felt like I was in a movie and that people around me were fake as well.
> 
> It's hard because since i can remember i have always suffered from severe social anxiety disorder as well.. so you can imagine how difficult it was since there was no one to run to for help.
> 
> ...


I understand what you mean, but I feel you may be misleading yourself. I am a Zen Buddhist in the Soto tradition in the lineage of Eihei Dogen. I had wondered many times if I was experiencing some kind of spiritual growth as a result of DP. Now I have come to find that my DP is tied to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which was caused by the fact that I was horribly sexually abused as a child. The reason I became detached from myself was to cope with the trauma, to the point that I had buried my memories of most of the events. I've had trouble in my marriage and throughout my life in general because I was detached from my emotions. This has nothing to do with spirituality, it's how a child subconsciously protected himself. Your case may be different, but I'm willing to bet money that many members here have suffered some type of early trauma and just aren't fully aware of it yet.


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## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

we all have our own religions...I don't think it's neccessary to post what Buddists or whatever think. We are alive, we aren't some beings that were attacked by DP to realize this "dream world" we live, we die....something caused the DP in all of us and if you don't even have it, I highly understand your opinion but believe in none what you say. We are alive and die. This is just something that mentally imbalanced our chemicals in our brains either from drugs, stress, anxiety, panic attacks....that's it. we are all going to get through it. Mine came from stress, anxiety and a nervous breakdown. AMEN.


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

Not to disagree with what you've said, Brittany, but Buddhists may have an answer for those of us who really do suffer from DP. Mindfulness is growing in popularity and uses, and it's one of the components of some Buddhist practices. Basically, it's the practice of being fully present in every aspect of life without being bogged down by the past or worried about the future.


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## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

All of us have DP, and we all want to get out of it...but even if we didn't have it, past events in our life, and ESP. the future scares and worries us. We would be able to cope with life better without having it...that's a true statement.


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

Brittany329 said:


> All of us have DP, and we all want to get out of it...but even if we didn't have it, past events in our life, and ESP. the future scares and worries us. We would be able to cope with life better without having it...that's a true statement.


You mentioned yours came from stress, anxiety and a nervous breakdown. Have you ever looked into EMDR therapy or brain spotting? I don't know for sure, but it could help you pinpoint the source of your anxiety and overcome it.


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## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

well...I've never actually heard of that. and I have gotton much better than how I was in the beginning. I am taking medication which improved this for me. My psychiatrist says I'm on the right path. I don't have any of the HUGE symtoms anymore that everyone else on here seems to have. I just have more anxiety now this has happened to me...and all I feel is the "out of body" effect. But it has gotton better and I'm greatful for that. hmmmm brain spotting. I mean I really don't think that's necessary since I'm already getting thearapy and such...but thanks anyway. Like I said...mine has improved but I still am suffering that's why I want to help other people on here who are in where I used to me. I used to feel like in a movie screen and nothing seemed real, that's faded away when I started medication. I basically was hallucinating. This really sucks...but I'm hanging in there.


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

Brittany329 said:


> well...I've never actually heard of that. and I have gotton much better than how I was in the beginning. I am taking medication which improved this for me. My psychiatrist says I'm on the right path. I don't have any of the HUGE symtoms anymore that everyone else on here seems to have. I just have more anxiety now this has happened to me...and all I feel is the "out of body" effect. But it has gotton better and I'm greatful for that. hmmmm brain spotting. I mean I really don't think that's necessary since I'm already getting thearapy and such...but thanks anyway. Like I said...mine has improved but I still am suffering that's why I want to help other people on here who are in where I used to me. I used to feel like in a movie screen and nothing seemed real, that's faded away when I started medication. I basically was hallucinating. This really sucks...but I'm hanging in there.


I feel pretty much the same as you. The detachment isn't as bad as it used to be, and I think now that I've come to terms with the reasons for my anxiety, anger, depression, etc., it will eventually go away completely. It does suck, but we own our lives and can make them better 

It's very uplifting to be in a position to help others who are going through the same things. Anytime you need a shoulder, I'm here.


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## DiscoStick (Dec 13, 2009)

I think my DP could be a result of childhood trauma and high anxiety levels. I can't pinpoint it, but there came a time when the world and my ideas of self just collapsed into absurdity and extreme nihilism. And I think the most likely cause of that (as it was before I ever did any drugs) was childhood abuse.
Like AimlessH, I occasionally have had what I call my 'philosophical meltdowns' since a very young age. These are getting tangled up in horrific messes usually at nighttime and generally wanting to scream and wanting to be back to where I came from again. I think I was 8 when I first considered suicide.


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

Benji said:


> I think my DP could be a result of childhood trauma and high anxiety levels. I can't pinpoint it, but there came a time when the world and my ideas of self just collapsed into absurdity and extreme nihilism. And I think the most likely cause of that (as it was before I ever did any drugs) was childhood abuse.
> Like AimlessH, I occasionally have had what I call my 'philosophical meltdowns' since a very young age. These are getting tangled up in horrific messes usually at nighttime and generally wanting to scream and wanting to be back to where I came from again. I think I was 8 when I first considered suicide.


Early trauma can be deeply buried underneath whatever we put on top of the lid. Like you and AimlessH, I've had a lot of philosophical conflicts through the years. Now that I know what I was trying to hide and why I kept it so secret, I realize the philosophical questions I had were just attempts to make sense of things that are pretty much inconceivable by most standards. I also rejected God because of the whole angry father figure thing. Funny how everything makes sense now. I was never really suicidal, but tried to run away from home a lot.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

Not sure when it started. I remember already having it on and off when I was three.

If I were to guess I'd say maybe my stress response got messed when I was little. Nearly croaked it at birth, frequent croup throughout infancy and childhood (intubated and all) and frequent double vision until I was about four or five. Used to freak out a lot because of optical illusions as a toddler (couldn't judge heights, couldn't see stairs properly, thought the grouting at the bottom of pools was actually netting half way down I might get tangled in). Also had night terrors.

None of that is so bad, but I would imagine any one of it might trigger a stress response such as D/P.


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## Brittany329 (Dec 13, 2009)

bringmetolife...thanks. It's really hard and all though. I hope that everything evens out for you too. HEll, it will! for all of us. I feel like giving up everyday but it seems like I have to hold on to my spirit, my dreams.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

By the way, AimlessH - your avatar is beautiful!


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## bringmetolife (Dec 15, 2009)

Brittany329 said:


> bringmetolife...thanks. It's really hard and all though. I hope that everything evens out for you too. HEll, it will! for all of us. I feel like giving up everyday but it seems like I have to hold on to my spirit, my dreams.


You're welcome, Brittany. It is very hard. I have to constantly be in control of my awareness on a daily basis. Even though my DP is a defense mechanism, there isn't always a reason why I lose touch. There have been many flashes of feeling like I'm seeing the world for the first time, but these quickly fade. Sunsets do that for me, and sometimes other natural wonders.

The feeling of being out of touch is worse along with flashbacks caused by PTSD, but I don't have those as frequently as I did earlier this year. Everything already is evening out for me. It will for you and everyone else here. Giving up isn't an option, but sometimes we have to sacrifice what our minds tell us is important in order to find what means most to our hearts.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Best wishes.


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## AimlessH (Dec 14, 2009)

pancake said:


> By the way, AimlessH - your avatar is beautiful!


Ahaha  Thank you very much! But, which one? I do switch them frequently.


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## jacobwalleyoung (Dec 26, 2009)

hi all i'm sure that dp or dr aren't caused by drugs cause i had dp since i was 10 and when i smoked hash at the age 19 i felt like i'm having an answer to what i was suffering before, i mean that drugs clarify more dp and/or dr. I remember that i knew that i had dp after one year of hashing and at the night i suffered too much i told my friend that :"hash took me out of my body and made see what i'm suffering from."
hashing


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