# Depression



## Guest (May 20, 2007)

As soon as I try to fix one thing, as I feel I am on my right path to correcting something....everything else just falls on me and makes me feel like what im doing is pointless. Or that its never going to work.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Every single day. Im constantly miserable. Depressed, angry, bitter. How did I get this way. It just seems like its how I am now. For a long time now. Im constantly miserable. I can't stand coming home, because I know when I come home, I have to look my father in the face, see his mocking eyes as he asks me how my day went. So I can look up sheepishly and say it was bad...while preparing to hear a tirade of backlash from him about how I am always miserable. I just hate coming home. Its constant arguing. Every conversation we have behind these walls turns into an argument. None of us can stand eachother. Its just constant misery.

I have been doing cognitive therapy, and everything. What I understand, is that CBT can help you with changing your distorted thoughts, but what if the situations that make you feel bad genuinely make you feel bad? Like, what I'm saying, is......no matter how i rethink it......this house is just misery to me. And how I constantly feel down and upset all of the time...how do you reframe that? Im just sick and goddam tired of this. I never wanted to be this way. I never wanted to be always miserable. There used to be a time a long time ago where I used to carry a brightness inside of me, a resiliency. But its gone now. Its like life just kept bombarding me with things to take it away, wear it down, and now its gone. I feel like ive just been constantly beaten down. Its not fair. I just want some happiness. I want to feel something enjoyable for once. I want to laugh for once. I want to feel something other than what i feel constantly. I think i would just break.

What can I do?.........I mean...im trying to work on changing things, how i interpret things and situations so that i am less depressed. But if you asked me, like I said I used to be a happy person. Then i slowly developed OCD, and this just made me a miserable human being. I developed depression soon after that. I really don't see how CBT is supposed to work.....because like i said its not like one day i just started perceiving things 'off'. SOMETHING happened to me to make me feel so miserable. and i dont know what it is. but i cant blame it on myself by saying that it was how i began to perceive things negatively. I think that is just bs. HOnestly, i do. I just ...don't have that good natured person in me anymore.......I think that is gone. The only person people see now (and I myself see) is somebody who is constantly frustrated, upset, sad, and in pain. And its not fair. I never was supposed to be this way.

All I am really trying to find out is...what is there to help me change me back to the person i used to be. I don't understand how reframing some thoughts is supposed to take away your depression. When it seems like everything in this world pisses you off, or gets to you...what can you do to help with that? When you feel like you cant stand talking to certain people because all you can think about is how pathetic they are, what can you do to help with that? When you feel like you are just constantly miserable. when you have literally forgotten how to enjoy yourself and not think negatively about something, what can you do to help with that? 
These are all questions, of depression, that I'm not sure CBT can address........infact Im not sure anything can address it. It just seems its how things are now. Its how things have fallen into place.

I just wish there was something that I knew I could do about it. I know I didnt used to be this way, so its not the world that has changed, it was obviously something inside of me. Idk, maybe I just got jaded, and started to see the bad sides of everything. I just wish I could be happy again. Im trying so hard but dont know how to turn things around.....other than taking a thought "I feel like shit right now" and reframing it "I don't feel so bad right now".........alot of good that does. You know people always say that we have to 'unlearn' patterns that we built up. I don't believe this, because like i said I wasn't like this before. I never had to "learn" how to be happy before. I just WAS happy. I don't think that I am the way I am now because i learned any depressive patterns. I think its just something that happened to me. I just started feelin like shit, basically. When life started turnin more bad than good. Like I said, Major OCD will make anyone depressed. You have constant obsessions, with guilt, shame, embarrasment, and fear, which leads to self esteem problems, which leads to depression. Its all one big mess. So i guess I can understand why and how this happened. I just wish there was something that I could do about it. I really want to focus and make the best out of cognitive therapy. As I know it can really help alot. Sometimes it just seems like my thoughts are all too crazy to pin down and grasp. Like theres too many of them. I think negatively so much, its hard to pin down each negative thought. And like I said.....i see my negative thinking as something that was caused by the experience of depression, rather than 'the thinking causing the depression'. LIke ive said....before this, i was a naturally optimistic person, and then BAMM. It just hit me. I started changing as a person...falling into these patterns. I would very much like to return to the person I am truly inside. Infact I cant wait for the day when i break these chains and am vibrant inside. I think it might be too much to handle actually. Its been awhile. A child actually, its been a long time since I was happy. But i still remember it, i do. And Im just wanting to get it back now.

Eric


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

jesusmyangsthasabodycount said:


> As soon as I try to fix one thing, as I feel I am on my right path to correcting something....everything else just falls on me and makes me feel like what im doing is pointless. Or that its never going to work.
> 
> I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Every single day. Im constantly miserable. Depressed, angry, bitter. How did I get this way. It just seems like its how I am now. For a long time now. Im constantly miserable.


I can relate to this - its often how I feel when I am depressed. Just know that underneathe all of that is a very powerful intent to heal. Just sit and try to feel that intent - your intent for all of this to fall away and be peaceful again. Hold onto it.



> I can't stand coming home, because I know when I come home, I have to look my father in the face, see his mocking eyes as he asks me how my day went. So I can look up sheepishly and say it was bad...while preparing to hear a tirade of backlash from him about how I am always miserable. I just hate coming home. Its constant arguing. Every conversation we have behind these walls turns into an argument. None of us can stand eachother. Its just constant misery.
> 
> I have been doing cognitive therapy, and everything. What I understand, is that CBT can help you with changing your distorted thoughts, but what if the situations that make you feel bad genuinely make you feel bad?


Its important to make a distinction here. All of those situations making you feel bad - THAT IS REAL. Those are your real feelings ("This house is getting me down", "I hate it when I argue with my Dad" etc). Those are not distorted ideas.

What is "distorted", if you want to use that word is all of the thoughts that come after that. For example: "This is all my fault, if only I would...", "There's no way I can get out of this mess...", "This is never going to change for me, I'll always be this way..." etc. etc. Those thoughts are not true - they are the negative self talk that goes along with depression. Those are the thoughts and ideas you need to challenge.

In time you'll come up with solutions to your problems, but in the mean time have some patience and try not to beat yourself up too much


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## Guest (May 21, 2007)

Thank you CECIL,

As always you have pointed out valuable information that I have looked over. Thank you for pointing out things that sometimes I am in a hurry to overlook. It all helps, in the long run.

Thank you,

Eric


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

No problem Eric. Please keep writing on here about how you are feeling, it really helps to get it off your chest and a lot of people here are willing to listen, myself included


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## J. (Apr 2, 2007)

I had an depression and im cured. When you are feeling depressed your just paying attention to all negative things. All your thoughts become disaster scenarios. You have to try and focus on the positive things again.


[url=http://www.dpselfhelp.com/for...ww.dpselfhelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=11371
[/url]


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## nicon (Aug 19, 2004)

Hi jesusmyangsthasabodycount

CBT is good for helping balance and change thinking, but I beleive there is another aspect in changing to combat depression and thats changing behaviour. You cant channge your Dad's attitude etc. But you can try and change the way you react to it. Also changing your situation.

I think that you have the answers to this inside you, but some suggestions could be:

spend less time at the home

try not to take your Fathers behaviour personally, this is probabaly a long embeded pattern of behaviour and has to do with his own internal dream/beleifs/experiences and not the present moment

Search the net for healthy ways to deal with and avoid conflict

I have been through a simular process, and its tough, really tough, humans find it hard to break patterns etc.

When I started to try and change behaviour it was strange, like i would have nothing to gain, like it was not real etc. but it started bringing rewards, reduction in anxiety, better mental health.

also I like this quote:

*DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY*

*Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.* Don Miquel Ruiz

give it a go mate!

Nicon[/quote]


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Move out of your house, Eric. There goes one problem.


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## Guest (May 22, 2007)

yeah, Just like that, huh? Let me just click my fingers and move out, Jack. yeah i wish it were that simple but its not. And don't say it is because its not and you will undoubtedly piss me off because u dont understand the situation.

Eric


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

It *is* that simple, Eric. Are you in a wheelchair? Are you an idiot? Do you lack valuable skills? No. So whatever reasons you have are meaningless. It's right in front of your face. Your home environment is a major source of day-to-day angst. So leave it. Don't tell me it's complicated, because I don't believe it, and I don't care. You are no different from anyone else...except that you perpetuate your misery by making excuses for yourself.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

No, I really don't think so. You should really watch more carefully the things that you say...they are irritating and upsetting.

That's all I have to say about that.

Eric


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

I'm gonna be a golden boy here and say "fook all" :mrgreen:


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

I have no interest in watching what I say, Eric. You come to this forum and tear off on these diatribes, and I offer very succinct advice...which you immediately dismiss. How can anyone help you?

What you've told me, bare bones, is that you cannot get a job and live on your own. And I am saying that is nonsense, especially considering how clearly miserable and unhealthy your home life is. You'd rather maintain the status quo and hope your environment changes...which it won't.

If I am wrong, feel free to explain why.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Eric why are you so defensive to what Jack has said? all he said was move out of home, sounds like good advice to me, no need to jump down his throat.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

Amen. *nods*



Pablo said:


> Eric why are you so defensive to what Jack has said? all he said was move out of home, sounds like good advice to me, no need to jump down his throat.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

You just don't understand the situation. That's all. It just makes me mad when people run their mouth off on things that they really know nothing about. They don't know all the details. Its just really upsetting.

Eric


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

Jack30 said:


> It *is* that simple, Eric. Are you in a wheelchair? Are you an idiot? Do you lack valuable skills? No. So whatever reasons you have are meaningless


lol. i had to have a laugh at this. I love the logic. It's so completely narrow minded. IF its not those exact three things, it can't possibly matter. Jack, I'm not mocking you buddy, but take a look at the things you are saying. If you don't realize it, you are rude. I don't talk to rude people.

and I don't know why all you guys are jumping to his back....pablo, look at the way Jack says the things he does...you pointed out that I have jumped down his throat, however I do not feel this is true. Look at my last post. I was very careful not to. If anyone is jumping down anyones throat. It is Jack30.

Eric


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## shamrose (May 14, 2007)

crikey...lol...u lot...cant u have a thread without getting into conflict!?
anyways...back to what u were asking about eric.
i had a serious bout of depression a few years ago, and your style of thinking is typical of being depressed. its part of the illness that you feel trapped, cannot find pleasure in things you would have done in the past and feeling helpless. i found cbt didn't work as it did not get me away from the real things that were happening. however, i had a 6 month treatment of Cognitive analytic therapy which was much more realistic and in depth. cbt makes you access the thoughts which influence your feelings...you know how it goes. i found with cat, i looked at why i was thinking the way i did. i put barriers up in my life against moving away from negative situations. so, for example, in your case...you carry on living with your father (for whatever reason) despite his constant rejection of you. i found i put up with situations because i didnt feel worthy of expecting any better. medication helped me become stronger to fight these fellings and the CAT helped me realise i didnt have to put up with it. my mother is similar to your father, and it was unavoidable to be out of her life. the only way i learned to cope with this was to realise that i could never change how she treated me, but i could changed how i coped with her. you're the one in therapy and its only you who can access these thoughts, feelings and hence the behaviours...sorry im probably waffling here....but i realy felt it helped me with depression. as i said before...one of the main reasons people feel depressed is the feeling of helplessness and loss of control over their lives. i think concentrating on one main area at a time is the key to making things easier to cope with.
hope it helps


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Eric... I said you can explain why it is so infinitely complicated to move out of your house, if I was wrong about the situation. You didn't explain. And that's fine. You don't need to get into a dialogue with me or anyone else here. But we make inquires and discuss things in an effort to help each other.

If you lay it out like: Blah Blah Blah wah wah wah I am so sad and my father is a brute...but don't provide context for your whining, how can we assist you?

You are an able-bodied, seemingly intelligent young adult. Don't tell me moving out of your house is complicated without telling me why and expect me to join in the whine fest. And I am *long* past the point of offering you standard advice, like so many of my dear comrades here continue to do. You need brutality. Honesty. A slap of reality. Nothing else works.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

"i found cbt didn't work as it did not get me away from the real things that were happening. I put barriers up in my life against moving away from negative situations"

I read this and didn't understand what you were trying to say. Could you explain this some more better for me. Thank you. I think I sort of understand what you mean. But i dont know. 
As far as the underlying reasons for my depression. I thought about this alot, and still can't right figure it out. I don't think there was anything that caused me to be this way....rather alot of things. I think depression is just something that sort of happens to somebody, for no certain reason. Its just how we start perceiving the world. Do you agree? 
How, just how in the world did you get through all the bullshit to determine what was behind everything for you? didnt that exhaust and confuse you? how did u come up with any answers. 
I just know that as a young teen i started to internalize alot of feelings of shame, guilt, feeling rejected. Lots of kids feel this, so whatever. But i just sort of began seeing things differently. more negatively. cant explain why.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

lol Jack, I never expected you to join in the first place. U know what. i aint doin this. take ur rudeness somewhere else. it is offensive. and i don't need it. Im finished talking about this. And no, I don't need to explain anything to you. Im sorry you believe you are so entitled. But, as you say, that is reality. I came and made a post about my problems. Now I am arguing with you, and its becomming counterproductive. So if you don't mind, I would rather talk to shamrose, or other people. Im finished talking to you. We obviously don't see eye to eye. Lets leave it at that.

Please spare me any rude remarks, as I don't say things like that to you, I would appreciate it if you could act a little mature.

thank you

Eric


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Oh man. I just *said* it was fine that you didn't explain anything. But every comment I have ever made was intended to help you. Fundamentally, I don't care if you're happy. I don't care if you wallow in misery until you shrivel up under a highway overpass. It doesn't affect me one way or another. But if you *are* happy, that pleases me. I like happiness.

And come on now...You expect us ALL to join in the Eric Whinefest. We talk talk talk to you, and you return with more diary entries. Try a Word doc instead.


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## shamrose (May 14, 2007)

[quote="jesusmyangsthasabodycount"]"i found cbt didn't work as it did not get me away from the real things that were happening. I put barriers up in my life against moving away from negative situations"

I read this and didn't understand what you were trying to say. Could you explain this some more better for me. Thank you. I think I sort of understand what you mean. But i dont know. 

okay...so for example...i kept getting into shitty relationships and allowing people to treat me badly. i wasn't working but felt i didnt have the power to do anything about it because of my skills base. i felt controlled by liferather than me controlling my life. CAT made me sit back and take stock of why (i felt) life treated me so poorly. it was because i felt i didnt have the power to change anything...when in fact i did. im intelligent and not a bad person. i went back to education, graduated and became a social worker. basically it was about how i percievd myself

As far as the underlying reasons for my depression. I thought about this alot, and still can't right figure it out. I don't think there was anything that caused me to be this way....rather alot of things. I think depression is just something that sort of happens to somebody, for no certain reason. Its just how we start perceiving the world. Do you agree? 

i agree to a point...why is it that two people can have the same negative experiences but react quite differently to them! i do believe there are biological, social and psychological components to depression. its never just one thing. however, i still like to think that it is something that the mind can overcome. have you tried reading any Dorothy Rowe books? shes very good for getting you to own your depression and therby having control over it.

How, just how in the world did you get through all the bullshit to determine what was behind everything for you? didnt that exhaust and confuse you? how did u come up with any answers.

I will admit it was one of the hardest things ive had to do..its constant accessing of your thoughts...testing hypothesis, finding evidences to back up your thoughts ...writing them down and exposing them. its scary and makes you feel very vulnerable...but at the same time it was the best therapy ive ever had. i have to say..when i was seriously depressed i was totally depersonalised for a long time. the CAT helped me cope with the depression but didnt completley cure the dp...it reduced it

I just know that as a young teen i started to internalize alot of feelings of shame, guilt, feeling rejected. Lots of kids feel this, so whatever. But i just sort of began seeing things differently. more negatively. cant explain why.[/quote]

that can be a habit forming thing...you look at the world in a certain way and start to see the world differently. i can also be you little saftey blanket (if that makes sense)...but its something you own and unless you're willing to give it up you wont see a change.


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

Jack30: I can't stand Eric *Spits me dummy out*, I wish he would leave this forum. I thought about tellin my mummy on him...


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## Guest (May 23, 2007)

But the main "fact" is: they aren't "running their mouth off on things". They are "*Typing* important information":


> Never eat yellow snow


)))Huggles(((



jesusmyangsthasabodycount said:


> You just don't understand the situation. That's all. It just makes me mad when people run their mouth off on things that they really know nothing about. They don't know all the details. Its just really upsetting.
> 
> Eric


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## Guest (May 24, 2007)

No,

I don't have to explain anything, to any of you people. lol. I don't owe you some grand explanation of things. So get over it.

I don't even know why I reply to these nonsensical posts. Its a waste of time, you know, Mark?

Eric


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## Guest (May 24, 2007)

Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. I get the point. There is no need to be rude, Mark. I get your point.

And hey Mark,

go f*ck yourself. Go back to smoking pot.....thats where you belong.

Cheers,

Eric


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Three words Eric "Self fulfilling prophecy"

I recall Bailee asking you what you are really angry about?

You are quick to use words like Projection.

Well, What is it?

BB


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## Guest (May 24, 2007)

Ouchy... [One] just knocked you da fooooookkkk out pal :mrgreen: DING DING :lol:



[One] said:


> Just learn to *get over yourself* and if you are going to post your journal entries on a forum, *respect people's comments*. *The world doesn't revolve around you*, despite how you think and feel about that. A lot of your posts aren't even related to DP... Go back to stuckinadoorway.net, where you belong!


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## Guest (May 24, 2007)

Black Box, I am mostly angry because of the way certain people have made me their black sheep on this forum. They don't miss an opportunity to mess with me. And I am upset because everything gets blamed on me. My question to you is, why aren't you asking this same question towards Darren? Or jack30?

Yes, I think I have been unfairly treated on this forum. I am not half as rude as some of the people on here have been to me, yet I get all the flack for it. And I am tired of it. I don't need it. I am considering leaving this site, because I just can't take everyones hostility towards me anymore. I'm sure they will be glad to hear that....

I think I try hard to be respectful and to provide helpful input when necessary. That's not to be said for others on here. And yet, I am still treated as if I am the 'bad guy'. I did nothing wrong, yet the fingers keep pointing towards me.

If you wanted to know....thats mostly why I am upset. Im upset, because i have things going on in my life that upset me. I have situations that are difficult to deal with. And when I come on here to talk about it, a place where its supposed to come with these things, I get accused of being a baby, or told to 'suck it up'. Or told to go somewhere else, because I am basically not 'wanted here' or that this is 'not a forum where i can talk'. How would you feel, if you came forward with very personal things looking for acceptance and were met with hostility, Black Box? How would this make you feel? If you can think about the answer to that question, you might be able to put yourself in my shoes. It doesn't feel very good. I think its extremely messed up how people treat me on here, when I just want to talk to other people. I get attacked. And told I shouldn't be here. I already have acceptance issues. i thought I could come here and.....well i guess i was mistaken. It seems alot of people don't like me here, and that is just how it is.

I receive much more negative reinforcement for my self here than there is positive. There are people on here who i do find that i like. and i find easy to talk to. Infact its most of them. Its just a handful that i do not. I find most people on here to be good people. 
But I can't take it when my posts start getting invaded with negative name calling and smart ass remarks trying to bring me down. 
I am depressed, this is a mental health forum. the last thing i need for my mental health is to be made fun of, mocked, jeered at, or ganged up on...which is exactly what is happening on here.

If it continues, I will leave.

Eric

Eric


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## Jack30 (Apr 27, 2006)

Eric...I have always been trying to help you. There is no doubt that I am crass. But go back to my first statement. A simple "move out of your house." Then *you* came back to me with a wry response. I proceeded from that context.

No one wants you to leave this forum. *I* don't. I find you very cute. Even lovable.


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## jonnyfiasco (Apr 20, 2007)

Everytime I see you have made a post Jesus, I think...man thats one really nasty guy. I think we should all try and run him outta this forum. Everytime. I swear.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

:? did eric insult somebody's momma or something?
why are yall being so touchy?

Personally I think that yall need to lay off. 
I'm unhappily living at home just like Eric but I can't move out because I can't afford both rent and school. Plain and simple.
I'm doing all I can to finish my degree and get the heck outta dodge.

Why do you just assume that Eric can move out and just decided not to?

I thought this was a support forum. 
We're all struggling.
Talking about trying to run folks off is just wrong. You shouldn't say someone else is a 'nasty guy' while saying that sort of thing. It's hypocritical in the extreme.



jonnyfiasco said:


> Everytime I see you have made a post Jesus, I think...man thats one really nasty guy. I think we should all try and run him outta this forum. Everytime. I swear.


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## jonnyfiasco (Apr 20, 2007)

Obviously you dont get sarcasm.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

well I apologize if you meant it as a joke honey. 
Tone of voice doesn't come across in text and sarcasm is hard distinguish online.


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## jonnyfiasco (Apr 20, 2007)

I agree. My bad.


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## Guest (May 24, 2007)

One,

There is no point in me even talking to you anymore. I deleted you off of my aim contacts list. In other words, I would rather not wish to speak to you again. I find you hard to get along with. I thought you were cool. You used to be cool. Until about a few months ago when things changed and you changed. And now all you seem to do is argue with me. Its like everything I say, you find a way to refute it. I find you are very hard to even hold a conversation with anymore...it didn't used to be that way. And I see it happening, more and more. Yeah, I have my moments, where I blow up or lose my cool or whatever. i understand I'm not perfect....but I always bounce back from it. Or at least I try to.

Its not pleasant talking to you anymore, I find myself feeling miserable everytime we talk anymore...and I don't know why. All I really wanted to do was to chat, that's why I IM you all the time, because you were asking why. Things don't have to be this way....and yeah, I try to be understanding. We used to be cool....and used to be able to talk. Alot. And I thought you were cool. I still think you are cool. But I can't talk to you anymore. Because things have just turned nasty. And I don't need any more negativity in my life. Its just bringing me down. And i need to be brought up.

You act like you don't even wanna know me anymore.....and that is fine. i understand, maybe its best.

Eric


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## 17545 (Feb 14, 2007)

s.


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## 17545 (Feb 14, 2007)

ed..


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## Guest (May 24, 2007)

Well welcome back Tigersuit. Just take things nice and steady... of course it's easy for me to say that... then you to do it... (wish i could do it myself as well)... oh well :roll:


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## shamrose (May 14, 2007)

jeeez...the negativity on this forum is terrible. someone asks for advice, gets abused for asking and the whole agenda gets changed yet again. shouldn't there be a different thread where people can just be as rude as they like to each other and allow one agenda to stay the same??...lol
i feel not bloody listened to here atall...eric...i know you have been caught up in trying to defend yourself and i find it dispicable that you come somewhere looking for support and are made to feel like an outcast. however, ive revealed quite a lot of personal details in my experience of CBT and CAT (as i hoped sharing this might help) and not receieved any feedback in return! i'm not having a go at you, as i think uve had enough of that...but why no response to my second response?


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## Levi (Dec 28, 2005)

Shamrose, if you are looking for a safe place to share your stuff then you may have found out already this board is not the place to be and to get that safety. There are other DP boards on the net. I can email you some sites. I advice you to go there and get the support you need. This place is a black hole.


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## Guest (May 25, 2007)

no apparent reason, I don't think so. Keep your opinions of what 'you think' happened. to yourself. Let other people decide for themselves.

Eric


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Your depression is situational so if you remove yourself from the situation your depression should clear up.


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

shamrose said:


> jeeez...the negativity on this forum is terrible. someone asks for advice, gets abused for asking and the whole agenda gets changed yet again. shouldn't there be a different thread where people can just be as rude as they like to each other and allow one agenda to stay the same??...lol
> i feel not bloody listened to here atall...eric...i know you have been caught up in trying to defend yourself and i find it dispicable that you come somewhere looking for support and are made to feel like an outcast. however, ive revealed quite a lot of personal details in my experience of CBT and CAT (as i hoped sharing this might help) and not receieved any feedback in return! i'm not having a go at you, as i think uve had enough of that...but why no response to my second response?


This is off topic but, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't leave this site shamrose
I feel/know you have a lot to offer, and we need people like you on here.
Please don't think you are not listened to, I read everything you post and that's why I KNOW we need you here. I like to think I know people, and you sound like a genuine caring person.

Don't go 

3098


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I can understand shamrose. It's really sad to see all those arguments. it's a supportive forum, people should try to be exetermly sensetive even if some things annoys them. Maybe you didn't like what Eric said but you were really hard with him.

please lets try to open here a new start. And everyone can be in this forum as long as they don't mean to each other.


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## Guest (May 25, 2007)

Stay, Shamrose

I hope that you stay, please. this is really sad, but I just spent so much time defending myself that I lost topic of the original point. I read everything you wrote, I just didn't get to reply to the last part.

Eric


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## Pollyanna 3098 (Dec 12, 2006)

EverDream said:


> Maybe you didn't like what Eric said but you were really hard with him.


Really, I don't remember attacking Eric.
And anyway, do we really need to drag this out?
I agree, lets just try to move on from all this.
Confused :?

3098


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Pollyanna 3098 said:


> EverDream said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe you didn't like what Eric said but you were really hard with him.
> ...


Oh Pollyanna, I didn't meant you. There were some people, which I think, took all of this too far (there were some other threads). Everyone here has a lot of hard things to deal with and it's hard sometimes to say the right thing that will suit you on the exect point. And of course that if someone is in his hardest moment we should try not to judge him, not to discourge, but to incourge him. Well, I do think everyone here are extremly nice most of the time, but I just don't like the things you write to Eric. I hope it's ok I'm saying it, I'm just sharing my thougths.


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

I've tried to stay out of the fracas but I think things have calmed down enough to chime in.

Eric, I empathize with you. I moved out when I was 21. Similar strained home environment and issues with my dad. Except I was sullen and internalized conflict rather than externalized it (like you may do at times). Either way, it's no fun.

I don't know what your specific situations are. However, I did what I had to do to get out of there. It was not easy. I worked two jobs. Went to college. Got student loans. Found a friend to live with and share expenses with.

This in turn created new problems. Trips to emergency rooms for stress, anxiety and panic issues. I drank, did drugs, and whored around to escape my problems. Not a wise path.

The bottom line, however, is that moving out STARTED me on the path to getting better. It may have been a convoluted path in retrospect, but it was a START. I also had no therapy and no medication. Nor did I talk about my problems during this time period. You do and are. That's a positive.

I NOW have a better relationship with my dad. It's not perfect. But pretty damn good. He's 73 years old and I'd hate to imagine what it would be like if something happened to him and we hadn't made strides. He now gets that I was not just a weak little brat. That I had serious issues, ILLNESSES, that caused me great suffering. He tries. We both do. It's a two way street.


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## Guest (May 25, 2007)

I don't know how in the hell you managed to work two jobs and do school and move out and everything while dealing with a severe anxiety/depressive disorder.

When most people can't even get out of bed in the morning or find it impossible to even cope day to day, that is amazing and you had to have been extremely strong. I cannot even imagine trying to handle all that, in my current state. 
People can't even do that who are balanced. Most of my friends bitch about their job and they are what we would consider 'stable'. that is just amazing that you did all you did though. Like I said, just finding it hard to imagine is all...

that is some hardcore and deep shit.

Eric


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

Eric,

I gave you a very watered down version of my story. To say moving out wasn?t easy is an extreme understatement. I spared a lot of the gory details because this is a public forum.

But, like I said, I chose unwise avenues to help me cope with the stress I was under. 
I chose not to seek or accept outside support from family, friends, or doctors (I was scared to open-up and simultaneously harbored resentment). 
I chose to take the world on my shoulders and it did me no favors.

All of these decisions perpetuated more problems for me but YOU don?t have to make the same ones.

I didn't really start getting better until I fully accepted that I had the option, not to mention _the right_, to try and do anything possible to keep myself from drowning. Again, I won't pretend this is easy. But, what other choice do we have but to remain strong?

Your number one priority should be getting stabilized and removing, or at least distancing, yourself from a bad situation that admittedly makes things worse for you. I continue to remind myself of this advice. Even today.

For you, it may not have to be as extreme as moving out. Learning to communicate better with important people in your life might really help. I don?t know, Eric. All I can do is let you know I understand, share my own experience, and wish you all of the best.


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## Guest (May 25, 2007)

honestly,

it doesnt' matter what forms u used to 'cope' . whether it be drugs or whatever. Its just the fact that you were able to do it. These illnesses, when they get severe enough, usually leave people incapacitated. As in, they can't even put one foot in front of the other. Or they end up in a hospital or an institution, or are confined to their homes for a long long time (which is usually what happens). In other words......they basically cannot perform adequately the basic functions of existance.

Just to see that you said 'f*ck it' and in essence forced yourself to push past the horror and misery of the symptoms, that is amazing. Its like, when you feel like u shouldnt even get out of bed, u do it anyway. when u feel like u are going to scream in a room or a meeting. thinking of suicide. u just act normal and keep on going externally in the world, riding your demons somehow. This is just amazing.

Eric


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

Well, yeah I think it does matter what forms I used to cope because they weren't healthy and made things more complicated in the long run. I'm by no means saying do drugs and get wasted because it'll help you. But, I'm sure you know that 

And...I have been close to institutionalization a couple of times. Keep in mind I've condensed roughly a 10 year journey into a handful of paragraphs here.

Living did not seem to come easy to me so I thought I was weak for far too many years. But I now give myself more credit and see that I AM strong. YOU are too for dealing with what you have for so many years. Some people take 'normal life stuff' for granted. But, we have to fight or we'll get stuck spinning our wheels. And once we get ourselves on the right path, the 'life stuff' gets infinitely easier too.

I have to accept this is an on-going process and that I can not let myself get complacent or pissed off about it. To do so equals destruction for me.

And Eric, all I'm doing is telling you what someone ELSE reminded ME of over the last few weeks. I was spiraling into the nasty hole of anxiety/depression/DP again...quickly.

Undoubtedly many people tried to help me out over the years, but I didn't listen to them. I was too busy freaking out with anxiety, anger, sadness and resentment. I try not to beat myself up about it. Because to do so would be completely counter-productive. I accept that's how I was. Where I am now and where I go from here are all that really matter.

Because I keep working on myself it takes me less time to climb out of the hole and I go longer and longer without seeing it at all. And that is beautiful 

So, don't let yourself get stuck in the shit-storm, Eric. You have too much potential.


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## Guest (May 26, 2007)

You should get on msn more, halfaperson.

Eric


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

Eric said:


> Black Box, I am mostly angry because of the way certain people have made me their black sheep on this forum. They don't miss an opportunity to mess with me. And I am upset because everything gets blamed on me. My question to you is, why aren't you asking this same question towards Darren? Or jack30?
> 
> Yes, I think I have been unfairly treated on this forum. I am not half as rude as some of the people on here have been to me, yet I get all the flack for it. And I am tired of it. I don't need it. I am considering leaving this site, because I just can't take everyones hostility towards me anymore. I'm sure they will be glad to hear that....
> 
> ...


The reason I didnt ask Darren or Jack30 is because I can relate to you, I not saying we are the same, its just you situation reminds me of mine.
I have been the scapegoat for my own family all my life, it seems I can never say the right thing, and that pisses me off. I have always felt like the black sheep of society, and that pisses me off. I mentioned "Self fulfilling prophecy" because that is what I am stuck in. If I detect the slightest hint of rejection I hit back hard and lash out at that person. I have lost many good friends because of this.
If I think someone is going to reject me, I take control and actually make it happen. It stems from Knowing my own parents didnt want me, so why would anybody else. I know its ridiculous but it is just a reflex action that is so ingrained it becomes hard to control. Like I said it has cost me dearly, even on this site I have ruined relationships with people that I truly enjoyed talking to over this bloody thing. Especially one person in particular, she knows who she is. She was very caring and helpful toward me and I just ruined it with 1 PM. There are some things you just can not take back, even if you didnt mean them. 


> If you wanted to know....that's mostly why I am upset. I'm upset, because i have things going on in my life that upset me. I have situations that are difficult to deal with. And when I come on here to talk about it, a place where its supposed to come with these things, I get accused of being a baby, or told to 'suck it up'. Or told to go somewhere else, because I am basically not 'wanted here' or that this is 'not a forum where i can talk'. How would you feel, if you came forward with very personal things looking for acceptance and were met with hostility, Black Box?


I would feel terrible and rejected.

BB


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## HalfAPerson (Aug 22, 2006)

Eric,

I had to keep out of this forum to begin with because it made my emotions go haywire. I literally started getting panicky. Why? Because I could relate to what you were talking about and it dredged up my own past conflicts. That's knee-jerk stuff. Now, I'm doing better and I can be more rational.

But, if I can't talk to you it isn't because I don't care. It's because I'm working on my own issues right now and trying to get myself stabilized. I'm trying to stay off the computer and get outside. Socialize. Fight through this. It'd be hypocritical of me to tell YOU to make getting your emotions stabilized your number one priority and then not do if for myself.

And Black Box,

Man, I looked at some of your post and I thought, 'Did I write that?'. Especially this:



Black Box said:


> *I have been the scapegoat for my own family all my life, it seems I can never say the right thing, and that pisses me off*. I have always felt like the black sheep of society, and that pisses me off. I mentioned "Self fulfilling prophecy" because that is what I am stuck in. *If I detect the slightest hint of rejection I hit back hard and lash out at that person. I have lost many good friends because of this.
> If I think someone is going to reject me, I take control and actually make it happen.* It stems from Knowing my own parents didnt want me, so why would anybody else. *I know its ridiculous but it is just a reflex action that is so ingrained it becomes hard to control. Like I said it has cost me dearly*, even on this site I have ruined relationships with people that I truly enjoyed talking to over this bloody thing. Especially one person in particular, she knows who she is. She was very caring and helpful toward me and I just ruined it with 1 PM. *There are some things you just can not take back, even if you didnt mean them*.


Just giving you a shout out and letting you know you aren't alone. I don't always lash out. It depends on the situation. But words can be nasty weapons in the hands of intelligent people who are hurting. More often than not, I implode and completely shut down emotionally. And then I can be a cold, heartless harpy  But we work on these things.

P.S. Eric and BB: Are you two the youngest in your family by any chance?


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

When i moved out on my own for the first time my dp/dr, anxiety and bipolar(i found out later thats what i had) where still really bad.

I first moved out when i was 20 which was 5 years ago now and i moved about 2000 miles away. I really didnt know a single person but i made friends easy enough and had a hell of a time. I had too good of a time actually because i totally screwed myself up with booze and drugs. But when your out on your own for the first time with noone to tell you off for your rather bad behaviour this can be expected to some extent. I just took it way to far and didnt know when to say when.

I remember my dp/dr being really bad sometimes during this period but i often passed it off as just a result of all the drinking i had done the previous weekend. I often said oh it's just the hangover.

In fact i didnt find out i had dp/dr, panic attacks, anxiety or bipolar until i stopped drinking. Thats one good thing about being a drunk i guess all your problems can be blamed on it.

Unfortunatly i had to move back in with my parents after awile  . But im gonna be moving out again soon hopefully.


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

HalfAPerson said:


> Eric,
> 
> I had to keep out of this forum to begin with because it made my emotions go haywire. I literally started getting panicky. Why? Because I could relate to what you were talking about and it dredged up my own past conflicts. That's knee-jerk stuff. Now, I'm doing better and I can be more rational.
> 
> ...





Black Box said:


> *I have been the scapegoat for my own family all my life, it seems I can never say the right thing, and that pisses me off.* I have always felt like the black sheep of society, and that pisses me off. I mentioned "Self fulfilling prophecy" because that is what I am stuck in. *If I detect the slightest hint of rejection I hit back hard and lash out at that person. I have lost many good friends because of this.
> If I think someone is going to reject me, I take control and actually make it happen.* It stems from Knowing my own parents didnt want me, so why would anybody else. *I know its ridiculous but it is just a reflex action that is so ingrained it becomes hard to control. Like I said it has cost me dearly*, even on this site I have ruined relationships with people that I truly enjoyed talking to over this bloody thing. Especially one person in particular, she knows who she is. She was very caring and helpful toward me and I just ruined it with 1 PM. *There are some things you just can not take back, even if you didnt mean them.*


You asked me if I was the youngest in my family, no I was the middle child and my mother had severe postnatal depression with me.
You also said that you felt like you had written the post out. I sometimes get that feeling but not in the way you talk about it. what I mean is, I can read someone else's post and feel like I literally wrote it, or its more like a deja vu feeling. I get deja vu all the time though so its nothing out of the ordinary.

BB


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## suz (Mar 26, 2007)

jonnyfiasco said:


> I agree. My bad.


Scrubs *woo*


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