# No feelings and memory



## Didi (Mar 17, 2018)

Hi. My name is Didi, 30 and I live in the Netherlands. My current diagnose is depersonalisation and derealisation. Excuse me for my English. It was good but now I can't even think clearly. Ill try to tell my story hopefully someone will recognize.. (lot of things I write down is from things I wrote down before)

I had a traumatic childhood. Bullied, not taking serious by my parents, felt alone a lot of times, had lots of anxiety and even attacks when I was 21. I am not telling the whole story some parts I forgot 
.. In that time I experienced dp and Dr. Didn't recognize myself, felt fuzzy, had major anxiety but managed to get my diploma at school. Making my school tests high on benzos. 
Also began to take wellbutrin, later venlafaxine, mirtazapine (don't know what I started first) and last but not least I came out on lexapro. That worked for me. I was always very sensitive for taking drugs and had loads of side effects.

8 years later I had a major traumatic event that changed me completely. I dont feel any emotions at all, can't connect to people anymore, don't understand things anymore, don't have the feeling of getting hungry or sleepy, can't even watch TV I can't follow nor do I understand what they say, my memory is 'completely' gone I don't remember what i did yesterday for example. I can bring up memory's my own but don't feel anything about it. When my sisters brings up memory's I don't even know things she says. I can't get to names of people I know.. I don't recognize. People..

They first thought it was depression. Then they said it WAS DP and DR. but they can't take proper tests because I can't remember a lot of things. It's like have dementia.. That's how it 'feels'. People also tell me I repeat a lot. And I also have to hear from other what I've said.

The worst part rationally (even though I don't feel like it's bad because I can't feel it) is the loss of my. Memory and my feelings. Ive had therapy for 4 months but it feels like I did not even had therapy. It's all gone. Not even a bit of anxiety comes through my mind.

They've given me anti psychotic drugs, sleep meds.. Nothing works. I'm not responding to anything.

The stupid part of it all is, I can write things down.. But can't explain this in words face to face. Completely lost.

I tried mindfulness, yoga, vitamins. Checked my blood etc.

Does anyone over here also has these issues?
-memory loss (not regular forgetting things but really losing what you did)
- no affection for others
- feeling like you're IQ has lowered, like you're stupid, because the things you've learned are gone (sometimes I don't even know how my microwave works)
- no meds that works
- every thing you dofeels worthless because nothing gives you a thrill anymore.
- Feeling of being in a trance all day.

I hope. Someone does and want to talk with me about it. Maby we can help each other.

Love,
Didi


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## Johqnnq (Mar 14, 2018)

Feeling of being in trance. 
Thats how i feel all day long.
I dont care what i do or spend my days. 
Nothing changes here.time have stopped. Everything is freezed.


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## Sharon22 (Jan 10, 2018)

Yes, they're depersonalization symptoms, but I would say some of your symptoms do sound like depression, they normally go hand in hand.

Depersonalization, despite what it feels is not designed to harm you. I understand how horrible it is. Memory loss is a big yes for me, I can't not

remember much, I feel as if my life is a lie, like it wasn't me who has lived it, I am just a body walking around with nothing in it, some would say

like a 'soul-less' feeling. I feel like my brain has deleted my memories. I look at pictures of myself before July last year (that's when mine started) and

I can not connect myself to her, it's like I am someone else. It is extremely hard to explain.

It won't last forever hun, I promise you that. This is not a life sentence, this is just a hard period of your life, but it does go, believe me....years ago I had it for nine months straight, I had lost all hope of getting better than out of no where I did.

Hope this helps!

Sharon. Xx


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## sundar1989 (May 15, 2017)

Hey Didi, PM me sometime... Im almost similar to you. Word by word. Oh yes. Everything. Don't worry you are not alone!!!!!!


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## Didi (Mar 17, 2018)

Hi all thanks for answering.
I do not think it's depression because I know how that feels.. And it's nothing compared to this non-feeling. Its like... I know the feeling of love and deep love.. Compassion..connection.. Its just gone.

I throw stuff away (clothes etc) I know I wouldn't even do before this '' state of mind''.. I can say bad things to people if I want to (I won't...) and not even feel bad.. it's all. Without any sense of regret. And it's all,... What I never was.. Sorry if I maby repeat things, I don't even remember what I all wrote before..


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## Sharon22 (Jan 10, 2018)

Depersonalization is different to everyone hun, everyone's symptoms can be different, there is no set symptom, just a multitude and we get it. We're all on the same bus pretty much!

My memory is just very cut off, it's like I can't remember anything at all, I have some small memory, but that is it. It's hard hun, I understand. But you've came here and you will relieve so much support here. Before joining here I was a wreck. Open up and let it all out, we're all going through it with you.

Feel free to private message me if you want to talk.

Xxx


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Didi, i am having the same symptoms, please message me.


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## intothequarry (May 16, 2015)

Didi,

Kinda hard not to be depressed with all of this going on. I can tell you I've had and currently have ALL of your symptoms. It gets better or you start getting used to it. It's not gone, your connection to people is there it's just muffled by the noise in your head. You really do have a lot of classic symptoms. I've had DP for 3 years now.. definitely better than when it started.


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## Didi (Mar 17, 2018)

Www.ingcen.wordpress.com


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## vik.1 (Oct 15, 2018)

... This caught my breath... I hear you, maybe can even relate, the empty body, no memory, no emotion, lower IQ... Ya thats me too... I find this hard to write, had half a page but it was junk. so wont... but just so you know I'm 35 and have been dealing with this as long as I can remember (like more then 10 yrs and I only just recently learned that this is an actually described condition, thought I was literally crazy) And your post has made me realize that there are others like me out there... Thank you, I am actually choking up a bit...


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