# I'm convinced I'm seriously sick



## livingdeadgirrrl (May 16, 2015)

Hello, new here and trying to make sense out of what's going on with me.

Recently I had a miscarriage that was very unexpected, happening at 18 weeks gestation. My fiance and I were absolutely heartbroken. I spent a good 2 or 3 weeks crying and depressed but slowly got back into the swing of my daily life (taking care of my daughter, putting on makeup, socializing)

Around a month later at the end of March, my daughter and I caught the worst cold ever. Fever for a week straight! On top of this I was preparing for my brother who I hadn't seen in 22 years to come visit and my fiance and I were kind of arguing off and on. At the same time, a friend had just moved back into town and I'd offered to babysit starting early in the morning... earlier that I wanted to.
I noticed something felt off about me.. in my head but chalked it up to the sinus congestion I had. Well one day right before my fiance came home I had a major panic attack (I have experienced panic attacks from a very young age but I am so familiar with them that I am usually in full control and can talk myself out of them.) I couldn't breathe and was convinced I was dying. I had my neighbor come over and sit with me until my fiance got home and took me to the hospital where they said I was having asthma problems and a panic attack and gave me an ativan.
Well as time goes on I can't shake this weird feeling I have. I end up crying to my fiance that I felt off and I didn't know what was wrong and he hugged me and calmed me down and said it was probably congestion and anxiety (he's has a history of anxiety too)
Over the period of the next month I started having severe "panic attacks" where I would completely freak out and start vomiting. I went to the hospital probably 12 times in April and had so many tests done and blood taken but they kept saying it was anxiety. But at this point I was vomiting daily and couldn't eat. I was waking up early every morning shaking with weird skin sensations and afraid to be alone because I was convinced I would drop dead at any minute. My mother-in-law had to watch me every day and take me to my psychiatrist who kept saying all this was psychological. I couldn't believe it, I'd suddenly developed a fear of everything. Taking medications, my dog, afraid I'd forget how to eat, talk etc. I started having flashbacks of dreams I had months ago and don't have a clue why. At one point I felt so unreal I was convinced I died. My surroundings felt so foreign to me and I spent the majority of the next 2 weeks crying and shaking. Eventually the emergency room got fed up with me after I came in convinced this intense fear of nothing was caused by rabies, they put me on a psychiatric hold. After the 72 hours I voluntarily committed myself to the psychiatric hospital where I started eating again. They put me on 100mg of zoloft and assured me every symptom I had was anxiety and would go away as my anxiety did. They kept telling me I wasn't delusional or psychotic or losing my memory as it seemed I was. My fiance would come to visit me and I would panic because I knew who he was.. but for some reason he appeared very unfamiliar to me. So I checked myself out after 10 days. I came home this past Monday and feel as though my sense of time is very off. I'm able to be home alone now but I still feel very off and confused. Ativan does nothing to calm me down either and now I've convinced myself I have fatal insomnia or another type of incurable prion disease and that I'm slowly dying. It takes me a long time to fall asleep now and I always wake up once in the middle of the night and wake up in the early morning with the fear and strange skin sensations. I'm afraid something is wrong with my brain the doctors aren't finding!


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## intothequarry (May 16, 2015)

Yup - definitely nothing new here! I have been to hospitals and through panic when my husband seems unfamiliar. Once you accept your perception is off the symptoms will lessen and rather than panic you'll just be like "yup he looks weird but its temporary and it will pass" You'll be a little better every day. You aren't forgetting anyone and you will be okay. This is normal. Its fucked up, but normal.


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## RafinhaBrasil (Jun 22, 2014)

The flashbacks of old dreams is horrible, do you believe that're going crazy at the beginning of my DP I had a lot, but now passed.


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## livingdeadgirrrl (May 16, 2015)

RafinhaBrasil said:


> The flashbacks of old dreams is horrible, do you believe that're going crazy at the beginning of my DP I had a lot, but now passed.


Ok so the flashbacks of dreams is a common occurrence with dr/dp? That's one of the one's that scares me the most because it makes things seem even more unreal. Especially since at the time I had the dreams I forgot them shortly after waking up, but when they flash into my mind I realize that it was a dream I'd had before and I start to freak out.


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## livingdeadgirrrl (May 16, 2015)

Being in the psychiatric ward doesn't even seem like it happened. Grocery shopping yesterday doesn't seem like it happened.


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## intothequarry (May 16, 2015)

livingdeadgirrrl said:


> Ok so the flashbacks of dreams is a common occurrence with dr/dp? That's one of the one's that scares me the most because it makes things seem even more unreal. Especially since at the time I had the dreams I forgot them shortly after waking up, but when they flash into my mind I realize that it was a dream I'd had before and I start to freak out.


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## intothequarry (May 16, 2015)

Definitely. Our minds are thinking a million miles per hour, some of us have trouble sleeping and I personally finish some of my thoughts or conversations while asleep and used to be afraid I was schizo because I'd be half in/out and unsure if the voice was in real life or in my head. You're gonna be alright. If you are capable of knowing something isn't right..you're gonna be okay with time.


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## RafinhaBrasil (Jun 22, 2014)

I believe that is part of the DP, once when I had no DP I do not remember my dreams, today I tennho many vivid dreams and I remember them always, and it makes me wonder what I'm losing touch with reality and I will start living the dream, that's horrible.


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## RafinhaBrasil (Jun 22, 2014)

After I had it seems that I live in this very moment, what I did a few minutes ago, it seems that part of the distant past and not happened to me this symptom and emotional numbing are the worst.


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## Guest (May 18, 2015)

livingdeadgirrrl said:


> Being in the psychiatric ward doesn't even seem like it happened. Grocery shopping yesterday doesn't seem like it happened.


This is quite common, You could tell me something I did earlier today and I'd be like, huh? that was today? To me it seems like your trigger was all the stress you were suffering. Perhaps you were predisposed to anxiety, who knows, but all that stress can break down some of the strongest minds. Everything you list is a common symptom of the disorder, I'm sorry to hear you had to have a stay in the psych ward, I'm sure it wasn't a helpful experience because unfortunately psych wards are only for people who are having a psychotic break and I can tell you that 99.9 of us with DP are very much aware of what's going on.

As for the physical symptoms, trust me, I get it, Anxiety wreaks havoc on the physical body, i've been convinced i'm having heart issues for the past 8 months even though 2 cardiologists have said i have no issues. I refuse to believe them. The mind can overrun the body.

Please if you have any questions dont hesitate to ask!


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## Jodie (Oct 14, 2014)

it sounds like you are panicking because you panicked something we've all been through here and so difficult to break out of, its just a cycle of fear.. the ward was right to tell you it is just anxiety, in time you will be able to move on and move forward, your body/brain is in complete panic mode at the minute take it easy and step by step xxx much love


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## RafinhaBrasil (Jun 22, 2014)

Distortion of time is also part of DP? is the only thing that torments me, it makes the world become meaningless, it seems that what I did yesterday did not happen.


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## intothequarry (May 16, 2015)

My days fade into each other and sometimes I'm unsure when looking at the clock if its AM or PM. it's all normal.


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## livingdeadgirrrl (May 16, 2015)

I feel like its never going to end. I had two days with little anxiety. I felt maybe 40 percent ok but yesterday was another all day panic attack. I just cry and cry because I have no control over my anxiety. I believe im going into week 3 on Zoloft now. I got no sleep last night and i am sick to my stomach today.


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