# does confronting your past help?



## arxiloxos (Nov 16, 2009)

Hi all. For those whose DP was induced by family-related stress or trauma, has anyone gotten rid of it by confronting the people involved, in a therapeutic setting? I want to do family therapy and maybe EMDR and/or hypnosis. I'd really like to hear if people have gotten over DPD after dealing emotionally with the factors that precipitated it.

Let me give some personal background:

I grew up with a father who was extremely critical, controlling, and temperamental. I remember being yelled at dozens of times a day for tiny things - pulling plugs out of sockets the wrong way, putting my dishes in the dishwasher the wrong way, laughing too loudly when he was in a bad mood, accidentally dropping things, getting an A- on my report card, etc. If he was trying to explain something to me, like a math concept, and I didn't get it, he would yell at me and make me try to understand it over and over again until I was sobbing and hysterical. He once threw a book across the room in a rage because I had asked him about Roman numerals and I didn't understand his explanation. If I showed him something I had done, like a poem I had written, he would point out everything that was wrong with it. He rarely attended any of my extracurricular activities like swim meets or violin recitals, and he never knew what classes I was taking, who my friends were, what I did for fun, etc. He didn't notice things like if I had gotten a haircut, if I had won an award, even if I had injured myself. I fell down rollerblading once and came home with one leg covered in blood, and he never batted an eye. It seemed like his only function in my life was to point out all my failures and all the ways in which I was endangering my future by not being perfect in every way. I grew to dread being at home with him. Around age 15, it got so bad that when he came home from work and I heard the doorknob turn, I'd panic and get a sick feeling to my stomach. I had to get out of the room before he came in and started yelling at me for whatever I had done or failed to do that day. He never let me have my own opinions or make decisions about my life; if I dared to disagree with him on even a trivial matter he would yell at me until I acknowledged that he was right and I was wrong.

He never abused me, but I saw him abuse my mom at a young age, and I was physically afraid of him. He would get so angry and scream so loudly that I was sure he would lose control. One time he came after me in a rage and I felt sure he was going to choke me. I was also afraid he would hurt my younger sisters, and I felt like I had to protect them by channeling his anger toward me. Additionally, he told me right around puberty that he would be disappointed if I turned out gay, and - guess what? It turned out I was gay. So I spent a good seven or eight years battling self-loathing and trying to deny that part of myself.

In short, my father made me feel powerless, frightened, and inadequate in every way. I was too frightened or timid to confront him in waking life, so I dealt with it in dreams - and later, I believe, by depersonalizing. For years I had near-nightly dreams in which I would yell at him, tell him exactly what I thought of him and throw all my so-called failures back in his face. I wanted to make him feel as helpless and wretched as he made me feel. I wanted him to see what he had done to me. I have always been too afraid of him to confront him under his own roof, but I'm 23 now, just graduated college, and I'm basically independent. So I feel like it's a good time to start some family therapy (with him participating), now that he can't hold my dependence over me and doesn't have the same power to affect my day-to-day life. For a while I thought I had forgiven him, but I've realized that I still have all this rage bottled up inside. Not only because the things he did were bad in and of themselves, but because I'm sure they helped precipitate my severe depression and subsequent depersonalization. The depression has lifted in many ways, but the depersonalization hasn't. It's been years since I've felt real, and although I managed to get a degree (with a lot of struggle) I didn't enjoy my college years in the slightest. Right now I'm just barely functional, barely managing to do my job and take care of myself.

So, does anyone have any insight or relevant personal experience? I feel like if I can let out all this pent-up anger and fear, maybe I can open a channel back into myself. Like the only way to reclaim my personhood is to clear the wall I built between myself and the world, stone by stone, moving back in time. But at the same time, what if I deal with these feelings and I'm still depersonalized? I want this to be the answer, but I've tried so many things - I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

Thanks, everyone, for your insight and support. I'm really grateful for whatever you have to offer.


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## Guest (Dec 17, 2009)

So I'm not recovered but my answer to your question is YES YES YES YES!!! My Dp is caused by trauma too. My husband has a video game addict and is verbally and emotionally abusive. If I gave you the whole story over the past 7 years it would take up a lot of space so I will try and summarize it. Basically he never played video games while we were dating. The second we got married he started. It would be hours and hours and hours of playing and having no idea what was going on, I fought it. I was like "Why do you never spend time with me, etc". We started fighting really really badly and his way of lashing out at me was to freak out on me and then play hours of video games and completely ignore me. This senario continues over the next year and a half and then he discovered online rpgs. These brought rage out of him. He was soon playing 20 hours a day. He would agree to do family stuff and then when it was time to get ready to leave he would just freak out and start screaming at me and refuse to go. I was pregnant at this time and when our baby was born he had colic (where they scream) all of the time. This would drive my husband insane and he would get in our son's face and scream at him. One time he took him away from me and locked him in his bedroom. He would break stuff and refuse me any kind of affection or respect. All of this continued for years and until his favorite saying was that I was a controlling b*tch who's main goal was to control his life and take away everything that he enjoyed doing. If I demanded that he not play video games for some period of time to spend time with the family he would get angry and refuse me any love until I said he could game again. Again, long story short, he continued to verbally beat me and emotionally abuse me. He would play mind games with me and mentally manipulate me. In the end I just got sick and tired of it. I dragged him to 3 different marriage counselors so that he could get help for his addiction and abuse issues and he completely refused to admit he had a problem. Last November I kicked him out of our house. He couldn't find a place to live and me allowing him to stay there temporarily turned into him staying for another 6 months. Then in April he physically assaulted me. That was it. I kicked him out for good. I was a stay at home mom and the area we live in, I wouldn't be able to get work and afford child care so I begged my mom if I could just stay at her house temporarily until I found a job and somewhere to live. The only place that there was room was in their uninsulated garage. So my 3 kids and I lived in the garage with packing blankets nailed to the wall to cover the studs and a giant tarp for a privacy curtain. I went to a lot of interviews but because of the economy I couldn't find a job. I tried every single resource that the government has to try and get financial assistance or somewhere to live, I even called shelters for abused women and all of them either had no resources because of the economy or they turned me away. All of this time my husband started the whole "I've changed" act. When it got to the end of the summer and I didn't have the resources to pay for a place to live, I had to enroll my daughter in school SOMEWHERE and I had already filed for divorce, I gave in to my husband's claims and agreed to move back in with him. IMMEDIATELY he started being verbally abusive again. Less than two weeks after I moved back in dp started. My brain just shut down and all of this time, I have been numb to all of it. I know that there are 7 years worth of pain and abuse and trauma that I need to work through. Slowly my brain has been letting little bits be exposed and examined and I can tell you that YES, absolutely yes, confronting those things does help. Just the day before yesterday some things came to me and I was able to be honest with myself and examine some of what happened and had two of the best days dp wise that I have had since I came down with it. Yesterday my dp and dr went away completely for about an hour. 
We do have dp because our brains are trying to protect us from the trauma that we went through. Dp will only go away when we are able to face that trauma and no longer let it consume us. We are all tied up inside because of our pain and fear and battle scars. If we can process those, dp will start to ease and go away.

I am so incredibly sorry that you had to live with that. My dad is bipolar and was in the rage mode more often than in the happy mode. I was beaten and knocked out by him a couple of times. He yelled a lot too.

I just wanted to say one thing. I absolutely think that confronting your dad and getting all of that off your chest will be good for you. The thing that you should not expect is that he is going to break down and admit every wrong and beg your forgiveness. He actually will probably still try and point fingers at you and stir you up. That is because abusers are 100 percent self focused. If you can go into it expecting nothing but the worst from him but still saying to yourself "screw him, this is FOR ME. This is for my own healing and well being" and then let whatever negative thing he says roll off your back, I think it will do wonders for you. Be strong, demand respect and no longer let what he did to you hold you prisioner. *hugs*


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## arxiloxos (Nov 16, 2009)

Thank you so much, I really needed that. I just came home from work feeling like I couldn't take it any more and "what's the point," and then I saw your post and it calmed me down and gave me back a little hope. After putting all my energy into acting normal all day, I start to feel like I'm totally alone, you know? Of course, I wish none of us had a reason to be on this board, but it sure does help not to be the only one. Funny, I just saw A Streetcar Named Desire a couple weeks ago...

I'm so sorry for what you've been through with your dad and husband. No one should have to experience that. My dad did similar things to my mom - not allowing her to see her friends or family, threatening to take us away from her because he knew she was too poor to support us on her own, standing inches away from her face and screaming at her at the top of his lungs. My mom in response developed this "skill" of passing out whenever things got too intense. I remember lots of days I'd come in from playing and find her unconscious on the floor. When they were getting divorced and she thought she was going to lose me and my sisters, it sent her over the edge. A court liason came to my dad's house one day and asked us where we preferred to live, and I said (I remember this distinctly), "I guess my dad's house, because that's where my toys are." I was about six at the time; of course I didn't really understand what it meant. Hearing this sent my mom to the hospital for a couple weeks. I only found out years later that it was a psych ward and she had been on suicide watch. When she told me this I felt absolutely awful. It's not that I blamed myself exactly, but I just couldn't imagine that kind of pain.

My Dad has OCD and ADD (I know ADD is overdiagnosed, but he is right out of a textbook). Plus, his father was psychotic and abused him, his sisters and his mother. I think all of these all contributed to his need for absolute control and help explain why he got so angry whenever any tiny thing didn't go "right." He went to court-ordered anger counseling when I was little, but I'm not sure it helped at the time. You're right about abusive people not wanting to admit they're wrong. I remember when I was fifteen and learning to drive, he took me out one night in the neighborhood for some practice. He had a stick shift, which I had only driven once or twice. I couldn't get it to go in gear, which got him angry, so he made me rev the engine up and down to different rpm. Of course I didn't get the needle to go exactly where he wanted, which just made him madder. He kept yelling at me to do it again, telling me every time that it was wrong. I was getting more and more upset, but as always I didn't have the courage to confront him or just tell him I was done. At some point I just jumped out of the car and started running. I ran to my mom's house, which was nearby, stormed in the door and just started yelling "everything I do is wrong! everything I do is wrong!" The whole thing was totally involuntary. I didn't feel like I was in control of my voice or body. I refused to see or speak to my dad for a week, and when I did, he started talking about how my reaction was unhealthy, how running away wasn't the right way to deal with things. I was so angry that he had turned it all on me, but as always, I sucked it up and eventually acknowledged that he was right. I seethed with resentment afterward, and I guess in some ways I'm still seething. It's funny, they talk about forgiveness being for the forgiver, not the forgiven. I believe this in principle, but: how do you forgive someone who terrified and subjugated you for so long? I can't just cast all these feelings into the wind. The only way to get rid of them is to give them - to him.

My dad has actually changed drastically just in the past couple years, maybe in part because he sees the damage he's done. He's agreed to do therapy with me, which is a positive sign. But you're right: whatever happens I'm gonna go in remembering that it is for ME, not for him.

It's wonderful that you had an hour free of DP!!  I'm so touched and happy for you. Not to obsess about what I'm missing, but what was it like? Were there distinctive transitions in and out of it? Were you able to feel things in that hour?

For what it's worth, my mom has gotten past the years of abuse and poverty. Although she never to my knowledge had DPD, she had her own ways of escaping reality, including unconsciousness and out-of-body experiences. She's engaged now to a kind, warm, stable, guy, and I believe she is happy, healthy, and fulfilled. She says she has forgiven my dad, and I believe her. I believe it's possible for all of us who have been through interpersonal trauma. At least, sometimes I'm able to believe this. I'm going to try to have faith in this idea. I'm going to try to stay hopeful - for you, for me, for everyone on this board and everyone out there who is suffering.


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## Guest (Dec 19, 2009)

I have had about 3 days where I reconnected with reality for an hour or longer. It just sort of slipped in and felt like it had never left. It wasn't like the change to dp where there is this sudden change in perception that knocks you off your feet. Reality comes back easily and comfortably.

I will tell you something that my pastor said. He was abused as a child by his father and ended up being raised by his grandparents. He said that forgiving someone is NOT forgetting what they did. It is choosing to no longer let that hurt and anger and power have a hold on you. It is choosing to let it go. I don't know if you believe in God but from my point of view, it can be done two ways. You can either truly feel ready to let go of all of that and forgive someone or you can not be able to do it on your own and give it over to God. There have been people in my life that have done horrible things to me and for years I carried around hate for them that just made me sick inside. When I heard this message at church I realized, like I said to you, that for my own emotional well being that I had to hand it all over to God. So I prayed and said "God, I have so much hate for this person in my heart and I cannot forgive them on my own, so I am putting all of this hurt and hate and anger into your hands. Please take it and deal with it because I can't". It wasn't easy, nor was it instant. The hate and anger did creep back in over and over and every time I would pray the same prayer. It wasn't long before I had just let it go and then I realized that I was to the point where I did forgive that person for what they did to me. It doesn't mean that you ever have to forget what they did. I think that every experience is a learning opportunity and now you know and will pass on to your children (if you ever decide to have any) how NOT to treat a child. Being abused has given you the insight to have a kinder heart and a more gentle spirit. One example of this in my own life is that I will not spank my kids unless they have done something to put their own lives or the lives of other people in danger or have done something so inexcusable that there is no other punishment. The reason being that my parents abused spankings, especially my dad. He would use a belt and left bruises on me. I know that abuse is passed down through generations and I refuse to instill that into my children. I do this with video games too. My husband's mom was a single parent who worked all of the time. She let him sit in his room ALL day and all night playing video games and so he developed an addiction very early on. One major part of this is that people stop developing emotionally at the age they are when the addiction enters their lives. For my husband, he was around 8 years old and so, emotionally he does act like a child. I believe this is where the whole fit throwing and refusing love until he gets his way comes into play. How many times have we seen children not get their way and throw a fits, screaming at their parents that they don't love them anymore, Then the parents feel bad and give in and the kid is instantly happy and loving all over their parents? That is EXACTLY what my husband does and I refuse to instill that in my children either. I want my boys raised to know that fit throwing, lasing out and physically hurting a woman are not ok. I want my daughter to see what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Every example I am giving them now is something they are going to take away with them for the rest of their lives. I think you and I have the opportunity to stop a cycle of hurt and choose to be different for our children and our children's children.

Anyways, please keep me update about what happens with your therapy and your dad. You can pm me on here or e-mail me at [email protected]. Just let me know somewhere in the email or subject line that it is you, so I'm not like "who the heck is this?" lol

Sarah


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi. I'm only going to post a very short reply, and sorry, I didn't read everything in the past two posts.. 
I have somewhat the same experience as you, my dad was (is) very emotionally disturbed and abusive, and my mom was an alcoholic until she died three yrs ago.

My experience, after having tried to tackle this from every angle, is that trauma has to be resolved by dealing with the pain of the memories. How you do that is up to you, confronting the people involved in hurting you may be one way, but chances are they will never understand, and you are left with even more pain and frustration.

Another way is to forgive, but that is sometimes impossible, and will lead you to put a lid on feelings you should really vent.

In my case I've just had to accept that my family is a bunch of nuts, and they took away my childhood. I have a lot of anger, and I try to get it out just by going for walks, screaming into a pillow, crying and so forth. I allow myself to hate and be angry, at least for a while, so I can move on.

Also from personal exp. it seems that the key is to find a way to see your hurtful memories in a new light, and secondly, to allow yourself to feel, and also discharge of (built up) emotion. This goes for daily situations you encounter too.

Best of luck to you


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## Borisus (Nov 13, 2009)

"After putting all my energy into acting normal all day, I start to feel like I'm totally alone"

Well said. We're all with you on that one, I'm sure. You're not alone.


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