# Feelin' like killin' myself



## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

It's weird. I'm not sulking about it. I just feel like I should do it. This form of reality is getting old. I don't want to be here anymore.


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

Then create a new reality. Think outside of the box.


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

I do. But, nothing manifests. Am I broken?


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2010)

Heres a good quote, "I reject your reality and substitute my own".


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## Guest (Sep 4, 2010)

Mushishi said:


> I do. But, nothing manifests. Am I broken?


Do you do daily positive affirmations? Have you tried EFT? www.emofree.com

There's thousands of things you could do, don't give up the fight. There will be something that will work.


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

Tried it. I feel thousands of years old. I feel like it's finally time to let go.


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## china77 (Aug 27, 2010)

Don't because at the end of the day its not worth it. Dont let it beat you. YOU WILL GET OVER IT! Just get it off your mind, try some activities that will take your mind off of it. Your mind is your worst enemy. Being active has help me alot, don't get me wrong it comes and goes, however I notice when I'm out doing thing or keeping my mind distracted I don't think about it. Yes of course you will probably get tire of thinking if the world is real or not but dont give up. Because it is real.


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

It's getting pretty retarded. I feel like such a loser. I haven't been showering, haven't been cleaning my house. All I think of is suicide. Don't want to get a job, because I'm too afraid with how DP interacts with it. I've lost my friends, and can't get in a relationship because how low I've sunk. I feel like I'm going insane. For reals. I think differently, even amongst those here with DP. I can't even get on a wavelength of any sort. I didn't sleep last night. I'm in so much pain. Train comes every hour or so. Such an easy ticket out of here. My life has been so pathetic. I am filled with rage. I'm not asking for pity. I'm just angry. My life feels like a fucking trick question. I'm probably not even making any sense. I'm tired of the typical and cliche. I feel that no one is actually conscious of theirself, as if it's all response to stimuli. I honestly feel like I'm the only thing in existence. Solipsism. Ever heard of it? I can already predict what people are going to say to this post. I'm setting myself up for another trick question.


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## Azure (Sep 4, 2010)

What I tell myself:

There is no proof that death is any how more relaxing/comfortable or better than what's being experienced now.

Or I think about the fact that a severed head can continue to think after the whole cut off head thing...I imagine dying really slowly and regretting the decision, changing my mind. The idea of regretting something scares me out of it.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Mushishi said:


> It's getting pretty retarded. I feel like such a loser. I haven't been showering, haven't been cleaning my house. All I think of is suicide. Don't want to get a job, because I'm too afraid with how DP interacts with it. I've lost my friends, and can't get in a relationship because how low I've sunk. I feel like I'm going insane. For reals. I think differently, even amongst those here with DP. I can't even get on a wavelength of any sort. I didn't sleep last night. I'm in so much pain. Train comes every hour or so. Such an easy ticket out of here. My life has been so pathetic. I am filled with rage. I'm not asking for pity. I'm just angry. My life feels like a fucking trick question. I'm probably not even making any sense. I'm tired of the typical and cliche. I feel that no one is actually conscious of theirself, as if it's all response to stimuli. I honestly feel like I'm the only thing in existence. Solipsism. Ever heard of it? I can already predict what people are going to say to this post. I'm setting myself up for another trick question.


Sadly I feel the same. And in the last two days I was filled with anger mainly which cause me take 8 pills of klonopin just to make myself relax. I felt so much shit so I think the reason I threw up isn't even the pills or caming off Effexor,it's just how fuck I can't handle life anymore. I'm not sure what to say to you but at least I'm happy there are such great people in here. Keep it strong.


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## Guest (Sep 5, 2010)

Mushishi said:


> Solipsism. Ever heard of it? I can already predict what people are going to say to this post. I'm setting myself up for another trick question.


I don't know exactly what to say. I know how you feel about feeling like the only one in your reality. Why don't you take that to a higher level and have fun with it. Manifest my friend. Live in bliss. Watch this video. This guy rocks!.. If anything he will give you a good giggle which is what YOU NEED!


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

I've watched a lot of Bashar's stuff.

I'm broken, because I don't know how to manifest my reality.


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## Scared&Confused (Aug 18, 2010)

This might sound bad but it works. If your thinking of suicide set a date and time. Give yourself at least 5 days. Then live those days to your FULLEST!. I mean do anything and everything possible because you no that date is coming. These would be your last days on earth so do everything you enjoy. Then when the date and time arrives re-assess yourself. I guarentee you'll change your mind. This has worked for me in the past and even now. Give yourself the time.


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

Scared&Confused said:


> This might sound bad but it works. If your thinking of suicide set a date and time. Give yourself at least 5 days. Then live those days to your FULLEST!. I mean do anything and everything possible because you no that date is coming. These would be your last days on earth so do everything you enjoy. Then when the date and time arrives re-assess yourself. I guarentee you'll change your mind. This has worked for me in the past and even now. Give yourself the time.


I actually thought about doing this.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Scared&Confused said:


> This might sound bad but it works. If your thinking of suicide set a date and time. Give yourself at least 5 days. Then live those days to your FULLEST!. I mean do anything and everything possible because you no that date is coming. These would be your last days on earth so do everything you enjoy. Then when the date and time arrives re-assess yourself. I guarentee you'll change your mind. This has worked for me in the past and even now. Give yourself the time.


Reminds me of "Veronika decides to die"...


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## hanniballexster (Jun 13, 2010)

Mushishi said:


> It's getting pretty retarded. I feel like such a loser. I haven't been showering, haven't been cleaning my house. All I think of is suicide. Don't want to get a job, because I'm too afraid with how DP interacts with it. I've lost my friends, and can't get in a relationship because how low I've sunk. I feel like I'm going insane. For reals. I think differently, even amongst those here with DP. I can't even get on a wavelength of any sort. I didn't sleep last night. I'm in so much pain. Train comes every hour or so. Such an easy ticket out of here. My life has been so pathetic. I am filled with rage. I'm not asking for pity. I'm just angry. My life feels like a fucking trick question. I'm probably not even making any sense. I'm tired of the typical and cliche. I feel that no one is actually conscious of theirself, as if it's all response to stimuli. I honestly feel like I'm the only thing in existence. Solipsism. Ever heard of it? I can already predict what people are going to say to this post. I'm setting myself up for another trick question.


Yeah. I know what solipsism is. the ironic part is, we all start off as solipsists and grow out of it- babies and toddlers are solipsists, for instance. But intellectually you must know you aren't the only one in existence... or maybe you don't.

Your irst post here, I am feeling like that a lot. I don't feel depressed, just tired of living with constant DR. I don't know what it is and I really doubt it is anxiety (I am less anxious and have been for a long time, than for most of my life, for one). I wish I could die a LOT but I don't want to kill myself, I just want to have an aneurism burst in my brain while I am sleeping. That way, I'm not even responsible, nobody is left feeling guilty or like they couldn't help me... it would just be a tragic, young death (relatively young, I am 28). Like you, i feel very tired. I have felt tired my entire life, too, long before my DR started (I don't have DP as far as I can tell, only DR, but I've had episodes of DP- if I had both at the same time... whoa).

I still shower (well, get baths, I feel too tired to stand up for an entire shower) but I don't keep my house as tidy as I used to and haven't done laundry in months. I spend a lot of time at a friend's place and he washes a few shirts and pants and that's how my clothes stay moderately clean, but its not uncommon for me to wear the same pants and t-shirt for a week... maybe two. I don't grocery shop anymore, I don't eat unless someone puts food in front of me. The days I spend at my apartment (its temporary, I'll get permanent housing soon and I am hoping the atmosphere change might help) I just lie in bed depressed and try to sleep. My increased epival (anti convulsant) has me pretty groggy lately, so I can sleep a lot, if I want to.

So I understand about wanting this life to be over with. Because it feels like a cosmic joke and completely meaningless. I am still grasping at sttraws though. I only recently gave up drinking almost every day (I used to drink a lot, and when the DR started I used alcohol, even though it was just 4 or 5 beers most nights, to dull my depression about it)... so I am on day 3, almost day 4 of no alcohol.

But I know how you feel. My friend, the one I spend a lot of time with, he doesn't like to hear me be negative, and I am not suicidal per se. I just wish, especially if this damned condition doesn't go, that I could just die, because we all die sooner or later and I am sick of living like this.

But since I am not going to kill myself, and the chances of dying of a freak accident or burst aneurism, etc are pretty remote, I keep taking magnesium and trying to think of potential ways to make it go. I don't know if it ever will, and that terrifies me, although its hard for me to emotionally express that terror. To my friends, I just sound like I am complaining all the time, because they don't understand how distressed I am, and because I don't sound distressed, but detached.

Maybe you could pray to God to kill you off? I've been praying for that... either for it to go away, or just to kill me quickly and painlessly. One or the other.

I'm not sure how long you've had your DP. I had episodes of DP and DR on and off since I was a little kid, but the constant DR I have now that is making me feel like I am going crazy, that's been 2.25 years now.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't sound patronizing. DP and DR are really hard to live with. That's an understatement.


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## wuzzy (Aug 29, 2006)

If you really feel that your whole existence is nothing but pain, then death may be a huge relief. Trouble is, you won't know it.

You could make a drastic change without topping yourself. Move to another country, sign onto a cargo ship as a deck hand, climb a bloody big mountain, attempt to swim the channel. A few of these might actually result in your death but at least it will be a courageous ending one rather than being a dull forgotten statistic.


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## kaitlyn_b (Jun 9, 2010)

seriously, volunteer to go to afghanistan, or join the crab boats in Alaska. You may find a purpose and a new lease on life, or you may just die doing it.


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## Mushishi (May 31, 2010)

kaitlyn_b said:


> seriously, volunteer to go to afghanistan, or join the crab boats in Alaska. You may find a purpose and a new lease on life, or you may just die doing it.


Fuck that.


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## count_me_in (Aug 18, 2010)

kaitlyn_b said:


> seriously, volunteer to go to afghanistan, or join the crab boats in Alaska. You may find a purpose and a new lease on life, or you may just die doing it.


like that guy in "the hurt locker" lol.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

count_me_in said:


> like that guy in "the hurt locker" lol.


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