# overly aware of my existence and consciousness



## higha1

Since January I have been overly aware of my existence/consciousness. It's like one day I realized I am a living being, existing in this body of mines. I can not take my mind off of myself, as in my own existence. It's not just thoughts either, I actually feel panic with it and feel as if my mind and body are separated. It feels like I am too awake! it's like I am conscious of my consciousness. I often feel stuck or literally trapped in my body. I will feel as if I am just this horizontal skin, bones and muscle thing and feel entrapped in my body. it's like I want to get away or break free from myself but it's impossible and I know it sounds silly. my body seems irrelevant. it's like I am afraid of my own being. with this I did get the existential thoughts and fear of death but that has since went away but this has lingered on. it's hard because its like I can't get away from thinking of my own self and noticing my own self... I notice every action I take and everything I do. it's like I didn't notice myself existing or living like "normal" people do but now I do and it's at the forefront of my every breath. I don't know how to get over this because I mean its my own existence, being in this body, that I am overly aware of/fixated on 24/7. these aren't just rummaging thoughts, with it comes the mental perception and disconnect so not just thoughts. The fact that I am in my body and notice it scares me. It's like I didn't ever notice this before or think about it and now that I have it scares me.


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## IhateDP

"It's like I conscious of my own consciousness." very well said. I never knew how to phrase that and this describes it perfectly to me. I feel the exact same way, like I am CONSTANTLY aware of my thoughts and incentives. And for me I'm very insecure and self harming, so I am also in constant conflict with the thoughts I'm having and whether or not I should do what I want to do or say what I want to say. I think about how someone will perceive what I am saying, regardless of how I'd perceive it. In reality, your opinion matters the least because it's the you against the world then. What satisfaction do you get from pleasing yourself when it isn't praised by others you know? What is knowledge with no one to share it with? What is love with no one to smother with it? Nothing, it's unsatisfactory. It's a human need to feel connected to other humans, and I believe you have to meet that need first before you can meet any other needs. I'm getting off topic, anyway I understand the feeling trapped in my body thing, like sometimes I'll start applying lots of pressure all over my body and like banging my head and silently screaming, sometimes I'll cry, because I feel like I just can't escape I can't get out. It's like being restricted all.the.fucking.time. And I hate that. I also in my head imagine things so vividly that I (uncontrollebly) watch myself doing whatever I'm doing. LIke I see my actions from above myself and slightly forward, like a camera and it's weird. (maybe my mind is trying to percieve me from the outside so I understand how other people see mejust a theory i have) I'm so aware of my thoughts and actions that it makes me slow in reality because I'm so focused oon myself and controlling myself and acting normal that I can't pay attention to words. It makes me unable to joke around and be happy because I take everything literally. And one thing you'll get from me (mostly) is pure honesty because I can't stop myself from saying exactly what is on my mind. I go through times where I try to lie as much as possible so I won't be completely vulnerable, but it doesn't last long. IM OFF TRACK AGAIN, so ill stop, just know I'm in the same boat as you but sadly have no advice to end it


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## higha1

I have that also where it's like I am looking down at my self
..and watching like a camera. ..


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## kelly326

Describes me exactly, this is my biggest problem!


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## Apollonios

I haven't never felt the desire to go out of my body, though when I am deep in my thoughts I might instantaniously afterwords realize that I have a body, which in dp I consider less of my own, and get anoyed. When I feel trapped, I usually feel being in in escapable reality, the body isn't the problem.

I advise you to concentrate in something else to not have so many existential thoughts.


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## flowergirlkat

I think this is the real core of my DP - hyper-awareness of being aware! I don't yet know what the answer is to this, but meds certainly help with the panic/anxiety this causes.

I hope knowing you are not alone with this is helpful higha1.


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## Alexampmd

I am familiar with this feeling as well. I feel very trapped in my thoughts yet can't seem to focus on anything other than those thoughts. Like I'm trying to stop thinking about thinking...which gets exhausting. Especially as I am a student. Reading over notes and such and feeling like it's not being absorbed as my mind is elsewhere. It's especially upsetting and frustrating because I am applying to medical school. It feels like I am being defeated...It's not that i am unable to pay attention or grasp concepts..its more that my mind is so preoccupied with worry and anxiety about this DP. Just to stop thinking about myself and my body is a task itself.


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## higha1

Thank you all for the replies


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## Legitlex_

I have this too, its extremely intense. especially feeling like just eyes, and even just looking at my arms or my shoulders seems to get me extremely freaked out. you are not alone.


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## katiej

I am terrified myself. I dont know why I am a human and ehat for. I feel so confused and detatched from it. It feels like I'm being fooled into thinking being alive is normal but it feels so uncomfortable. Can anyone help please I'm so scared


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## higha1

Yes katiej. That is exactly how it feels for me too  being alive is the most uncomfortable thing- I am NOT suicidal. ..it's just weird to explain it


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## higha1

Legitlex, yes...I can look at my arm and there's that disconnect their


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## katiej

I'm not suicidal but i don't wanna be here anymore ' I feel like its not normal to be here. Like I shouldn't be here or . I feel mile fixed to be here and be a person and see through eyes. I don't know how I know anything


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## katiej

do people question whether they are here or not? or why there is any reality at all? is this all from dp. Can anyone relate to my exact feelings, I wonder what were the chances that i was born. And i feel like everyone else gets it but me.


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## interrupted

omg i am having the same feeling and it sucks, i've been feeling like this for days and i've been trying really hard to put this in words. I think that's it, a conscious of my own consciousness. Wish there was something i could do to stop it


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## katiej

i feel lost in reality and wonder why there is a reality at all. im so scared at the moment and dunno what to do. why are we born and how was it me personally that was born into this world.


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## higha1

Katiej. Yes to all of that. It is so common in people with dp. There is a Facebook group called depersonalization that I think can help you. ..just so you can see how many people think those exact same thoughts you have. You are not alone. Some can't even tell if they are alive or dead. I am so sorry it's hitting you hard. What are some things you have been doing to help


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## katiej

Nothings been helping. I cry all day and have panic attacks all nyt. I feel like I cannot trust what i see. I feel like I shudnt be anywhere. I feel like I just arrived here now and dunno what to do or why I hvea a lfie to begin with


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## 59Ballons

This is exactly how I have felt daily for the past 3 months, and I honestly think that this is the very core of ALL of my problems. Does anyone else feel this extreme panic and feeling of being trapped when they think about how they've "discovered something" now, and that life may never be the same? I can't relax now because there is always that weird reminder that I felt conscious of my own consciousness, and that is all life is. It's really hard to explain.


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## helbows

This is on the mark how I feel.


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## Hibou

I have also these feeling too and it's the most disturbing symptom in my DP. At the beginning I was so conscient of all my thoughts, physical and mental processes that I had terrible headhaches. I have found that having conversations, reading a lot and always occupy your mind with mental tasks (like writing articles...) helps a lot and for a few moment I can be unactive without observing my thoughts.


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## Guest

Here's a suggestion.. Write down what what you're thinking when you're in the depths of ruminating. It's true that writing things down will get them out of your head. It's also true that vocalising gets things out of your head as well...

When I was constantly ruminating over everything I could imagine, I started writing my thoughts down. I remember it was hard going cuz I could barely write as quickly as I thinking, but I just let it flow out onto paper.. The next day or the day after that, I'd re-read what I'd written and see it for what it was. I asked a LOT of questions that could never answered.. Over time I was able to stop the 'impossible' scenarios I was creating before they got too distressing.. I maintain that to this day, 20 years on..


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## db22

What you're describing is meta -cognition, "thinking about your thinking".

Sometimes this can be helpful, but what you're describing is a negative form of meta-cognition, which only serves to undermine your ability to feel better.

You have to practice letting your thoughts flow freely no matter how odd they may sometimes be.

As Zed says writing your thoughts down can be helpful, but ruminating on why you are thinking certain things is only going to add to your anxiety and thus intensify your symptoms.

If you can acknowledge when you are "thinking about your thinking" this can be helpful.

Learn to recognise when you are in a meta-cognitive state, or what triggers these thought processes (e.g boredom, having nothing to do, being home alone)

It can help to tell yourself to 'stop' and say it to yourself (out loud, if necessary) and then think of something constructive to do.

What you're then doing is checking a behaviour which serves no purpose other than to make you feel worse.


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## sunshinita

59Ballons said:


> This is exactly how I have felt daily for the past 3 months, and I honestly think that this is the very core of ALL of my problems. Does anyone else feel this extreme panic and feeling of being trapped when they think about how they've "discovered something" now, and that life may never be the same? I can't relax now because there is always that weird reminder that I felt conscious of my own consciousness, and that is all life is. It's really hard to explain.


 same same same!! Now I know something and I can't unknow it, I can't UNfeel this feeling of hyperawareness , existence it too much, too uncomfortable and weird I just can't comprehend existence it's too overwhelming.


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## seafoamneon

sunshinita said:


> same same same!! Now I know something and I can't unknow it, I can't UNfeel this feeling of hyperawareness , existence it too much, too uncomfortable and weird I just can't comprehend existence it's too overwhelming.


Wow, I haven't seen you post in a while


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## sunshinita

Well, I was on meds, and I did better, not perfect but it was better, due to health issues I had to stop the meds and I'm back to square one


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## seafoamneon

That sucks, I hope you feel better. Who knows, maybe you made alot of progress and it just doesn't feel that way yet


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## reecewilde

I feel exactly the same. it feels like im watching through a seperate camera in my body, and talking to someone or looking at my arm or legs kinda freaks me out. Glad to know im not alone.


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## kitsune66

The most terrifying thing about this is that when you try to explain it to someone who doesn't have dp and they just don't understand what you are talking about. You get this feeling of extreme loneliness and helplessness, you start feeling like theres something really wrong with you. I often find myself looking for that shut off button for "questioning everything" and to be a sheep like everyone else who doesn't think about silly things like existence or deep philosophical ideas.


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## Aerin

"The most terrifying thing about this is that when you try to explain it to someone who doesn't have dp and they just don't understand what you are talking about."

imo part of becoming more comfortable with our situation (from a health perspective) is realizing exactly this. That this IS the most terrifying thing about it. That so many other people are completely unaware that the images they see, the sounds they hear, the sensations they feel etc, ARE inside them. We have this huge worldwide society getting by on mental autopilot, and the only reason it works at all (at least superficially - to say that human interaction with the rest of our system is going well would be ridiculous) is because we are similar enough to each other that obliviousness to the fact that we AREN'T all looking through our eyeballs, as if they were windows, at the same 'room', isn't immediately disastrous. It's terrifying as #%^* for a multitude of reasons. The blind leading the blind isn't sustainable for one. Current explanations of the world/existence is woefully incapable of reconciling our experience of it, is another (I don't pretend to know a correct answer, but I don't need to know a correct answer to know that another answer is wrong). The ingredients for anxiety, existential dread and insecurity are surely present in excess as far as these things go. But mental and physical health? If it weren't for other people 'not getting it' it wouldn't be 1/10th as frightening. It's frightening because self awareness isn't the delusion.


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## headtech

I feel like i'm always conscious of myself, no matter what i'm doing, even alone. When i'm alone, it's like looking in at myself, analyzing the thoughts i'm having, the actions i'm taking, even mundane stuff, so nothing I do feels natural or spontaneous. When i'm not so depressed and i'm doing something i think is interesting, it's like people in my life can watch what i'm doing like a tv show; nuts I know.

I feel the filming and introspection is wired in, like its always been there. When I notice I haven't actually been self-aware, i'm pleasantly surprised. I remember certain occasions where I couldn't have been aware of what i was doing, maybe my mind was too busy concentrating on the moment to accommodate the normal extra level of introspection I've taken for granted.

I just know its tiring, to be self aware all day, even when alone. I want my head to be clear and focused on a single thought.


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## sunshinita

stupid existential awareness, it's not going away


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## BullHeadedGideon

Tonight is my 1st time ever hearing of dp - but definitely not the 1st time feeling it... = (
I'm not glad to know there's many people going thru these same, shitty, feelings as I am; but it definitely is comforting knowing I'm not the only one; not just some wierdo that nobody can relate to lol. & I hope all of you can feel that same way - an even slight comfort that there really are people out there that understand some of the feelings you go thru. Don't overlook how powerful that could really be.

Thank you to each person who's posted their struggles about dp & other similar "disorders" (such a negative word - YOU'RE SMARTER THAN MOST PEOPLE! Don't look at it as a negative! It just CAN be a negative, not IS a negative. It's all about perception. Just try to find people who've got a similar perception as you) & the people who've posted possible ways to help. I still have these feelings to deal with each minute of the day, but you REALLY don't know how much you've helped me. & if you've helped me this much, I know there's people here that've been helped even more. Don't stop posting. It's more powerful than most people think. God Bless


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## Stevemc92

Once dp goes away you wont even think about that, its just extreme anxiety thats all


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## Guest

That's an oversimplification of this disorder.


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## Mangas1996

Has anyone recovered from this hyper-awareness


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## just_liviu85

How can you cured this hyper awarness ? Meds can help ? If that what tipe of meds or what to do ?


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## yamixroshi

katiej said:


> i feel lost in reality and wonder why there is a reality at all. im so scared at the moment and dunno what to do. why are we born and how was it me personally that was born into this world.


i relate so much with all your posts! i dont understand if im missing something or just think about things to much. i sit down feeling trapped in my own raw consciousness thinking "what bad luck i must have to be here on earth as a human,we think were all that"


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## okane

Yeah, any self pride or confidence I once had is pretty much gone. We all have self desires/wants and needs but I've become a shell of myself and only display a tiny bit of outward personality. I am aware of myself but also of other peoples wants and needs. I'm not a pushover but I'm conscious that I am a significant factor in other people's lives. I can ruin someone's day or make them want to commit suicide easily. I try to be as nice as possible and usually don't talk to strangers. My own self does not really matter and I'm not sure if I really care about anyone else and I'm only nice because of my mental illness or am I just a selfless person? At times I feel very narcicustic and realize I'm manipulating people. I'm rambling on now and forget what I was gonna say but this is preventing me from living a normal life and I can't even act normal in public because I get so anxious. It feels like my brain is an antennae for everyone's thoughts and feelings. I pick up on everything


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## Arouet

Hey

I'm going through this since November 2016. I have just the same experience your relate here.

Any advise?? Please.


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## Lorriesmiling

Hello to you all - I'm Lorrie

I came across your posts and wanted to say hello. Believe it or not, it can get worse than just being overly aware of yourself. I actually leave for months at a time to come back and find my body still living my life without me. (and no one in my life noticed I was gone. Not sure if I am alive or dead or dying...all your words in the different posts resonates with me)

Regardless, I wanted to offer some techniques and thoughts.

File and paint your nails regularly. Wear bracelets and jingly earnings. Anything to bring awareness to the body. (I have notices this helps me stay conscious in the body as opposed to being outside of it looking at it. Use lotion and oils, to touch your own skin so when you see your arms and legs it isn't so jarring )

Instead of being alarmed - recognize that you are just waking up in this life, outside of the matrix and it is disconcerting to say the least. You are probably very high on the spectrum of self-actualization, which means, you arent a sheep anymore. I know it was comforting to be unconscious and part of the collective consciousness, and now you feel alone. However, you are not alone. You are more part of everything. But how do you live like this is really the question.

Relax your breath. ACCEPT this. Dont fight it or run away from this sensation. Now the mind is distressed so its going to try to take over, but it is just a computer and it cant sort it out because you are beyond the mind. Relax. Breath. I find it helpful to get into water and meditate. I see my mind thinking and then I ask for a bigger picture then just my body in the space and I usually see the connection of all things - that we are the un-manifested coming into form. It can be overwhelming. it is not common. But you are not alone. You are part of everything and if you quiet your mind, you will know this.

Your only duty - relax. Every thing is as it should be. (I also understand and can relax more by watching Eckhart Tolle youtube videos, or reading his books)

I hope this post is a comfort to some - I am here with you. You are not alone. Love & Light

A helpful author, who gave me more insights - http://soulhiker.com/ Some of his emails to me:

First thing that is always commendable is not to worry that something is wrong because there isn't anything to alarm yourself with. It's a side effect of awakening and opening up your perception. The matrix reality seems to lose its solidity and cohesion and hence so thus space and time.I really need to feel this with my intuition later but my feeling right now is that it has to do with changes in DNA, endocrine system and other systems such as energy fields. In short and simple terms - you are going through changes. It is also a fact that energies around us are moving and changing very fast and at times violently.

From you words it seems that everything is perfectly as it should - an awakened soul who is seeing and feeling in, through and outside of the matrix reality and meeting her truest Self - infinite love and pure consciousness. It's not easy of course but you do not need to fake normality anymore. Being in your true power and authentic beauty is the best thing you can do to others around you, especially loved ones. There will be those who will feel very uncomfortable around you because the frequencies are so different but if that's the case it means that they or you can choose not to be around each.

You know what? Family is always the biggest obstacle to full consciousness. It's the same for everyone. Even in the hardest and darkest of moments, they are our biggest challenge, test and teachers. Relationships are all purely Karmic. They are lessons we were given in this life time and for one, I know that these lessons can be very, very, hard at times. Yet still the thing I mentioned before applies. If you stay awake and in your true power and beauty - your loved ones might rattle & shake for a while - but what's happens is that you are healing them and the bonds between them without you doing anything and without them even knowing. Egos will always protest and resist positive transformation and awakening. That's a given. Yet you should live in the comfort that what you are doing is just perfectly right - for you and loved ones.


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## Pondererer

okane said:


> Yeah, any self pride or confidence I once had is pretty much gone. We all have self desires/wants and needs but I've become a shell of myself and only display a tiny bit of outward personality. I am aware of myself but also of other peoples wants and needs. I'm not a pushover but I'm conscious that I am a significant factor in other people's lives. I can ruin someone's day or make them want to commit suicide easily. I try to be as nice as possible and usually don't talk to strangers. My own self does not really matter and I'm not sure if I really care about anyone else and I'm only nice because of my mental illness or am I just a selfless person? At times I feel very narcicustic and realize I'm manipulating people. I'm rambling on now and forget what I was gonna say but this is preventing me from living a normal life and I can't even act normal in public because I get so anxious. It feels like my brain is an antennae for everyone's thoughts and feelings. I pick up on everything


Funny you mentioned this. I litterally picked up that one of my friends broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years. It just happened and no one else had even a clue. I was the only who noticed, and a friend in the group litterally said: WTF? How do you even notice that?

Sometimes i feel like a superhuman picking up stuff like that. This is a weird state to be in for sure.


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## Beemerdude88

This is exactly the core of what dp is, the anxiety gets so intense that you focus so much on yourself (whats wrong with me? Why do i feel this way? Etc...) Its like if you've ever said a word over and over again until it sounds like gibberish, thats what dp is you focus so much on yourself you feel astranged. It was explained to me this way and it makes perfect sense. Ive been dealing with dp/dr for 6 months now since a concussion, and i was so scared at all my symptoms that i over analyzed everything about myself to the point were i got dp'd. Then the existential thoughts started to flood in just like you guys, i still deal with them every day. But i do notice that it goes away when i do things i thoroughly enjoy. Which makes sense because you aren't focused on yourself. There is a really good article i found that explains it perfectly. http://theworrygames.com/2015/08/anxiety-related-depersonalization/


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