# I want to die.



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

This is the worst slowest death ever. Literally. I just want to end it


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## TDX (Jul 12, 2014)

I feel like I'm already dead.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Agreed. Might as well finish the rest. I never was a person who wanted to die. I am so close to endin it all because of DP. I have no control over anything...my body, my actions, my words. I pray everyday something happens to me...car accident, or just die in my non sleep


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## hidden (Nov 28, 2015)

No, don't.

There are so many people to talk to on here it is just not worth it. Also we ALL know what you are going through!!!

I know so many people who will give you their skypes, fb, and phone numbers just to help as much as possible.

Many times I felt terrible but sacrificed to help others, even just to talk.

Contact me or any of us. We can help.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

And how would anyone with DP help me? I don't have ANY sense of self that would stop me from ending it. I am so far gone it's unbelievable. 18 months 24/7 and know most of you have had it longer. I seriously want to die, no one should have to fight this hard. I would take cancer or anything over this. Just to feel myself again. Anything' just anything !!!!

I can't even hold my body up. It's not my body even. This is completely insanity. I can't walk. I feel like I could lay on the floor dead. Truly. And not even care


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

I feel for you, I have no idea who I am anymore. I am completely lost. It's unblievable!!!


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## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

Same


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## kamil (Aug 24, 2014)

me too


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## Blankmind23 (Jul 26, 2016)

I feel all of you there's no fucking end to this literally it's horrific fucking blank mind I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy .


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## hidden (Nov 28, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> And how would anyone with DP help me? I don't have ANY sense of self that would stop me from ending it. I am so far gone it's unbelievable. 18 months 24/7 and know most of you have had it longer. I seriously want to die, no one should have to fight this hard. I would take cancer or anything over this. Just to feel myself again. Anything' just anything !!!!
> 
> I can't even hold my body up. It's not my body even. This is completely insanity. I can't walk. I feel like I could lay on the floor dead. Truly. And not even care


There are people on here who used to have DP or DR but have since recovered. Some of us have had this dissociation for 5, 10, 15, 20 years, 24/7. Be careful what you wish for; you don't want cancer; we don't want this dissociation.

Actually laying on the ground has been a therapy talked about on this site and the HPPD site. Laying down and rolling around (perhaps in the grass).

You just hang in there.

You would be very surprised to know what is out there, who will take the time with you.

I got a call from a young woman on here that I have known since 2012 and she was having a panic attack (and she has more issues than just dissociation). She called me and by the end she said she felt a lot better. And I was glad to help.


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## pasha (Jan 2, 2016)

i realy wish dp on eveyone around me my friends and family to understand how i suffer and dont blame me and tell me u r always sick . i wish this death on them realy realy bad


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## funnyfox (Apr 28, 2016)

Please hang in there! I don't know what to write or how to help you but my heart really goes out to you...


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I wish Annie could feel what you are saying but she is gone. I don't sleep, I don't talk, I can't do things.

Funny fox can you actually feel your heart saying that you feel bad? You guys I have literally nothing. No consciousness (so it feels) a body that feels ghostly and not there and completely weightless. I mean I see a body but I don't understand it nor does it feel real or human. The 'being ' that should be there is not.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

And yet you type lucidly and articulately and are aware of what is happening to you. That suggests to me that you are feeling certain things that are undeniably strong and hard to live with, but still nothing more than sensations. Unless of course you have been diagnosed with a more serious psychiatric disorder. I can't remember ever reading that in your case though. Have the docs and psychs told you nothing at all?


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Yes I know. I am a body with a brain I get it. But the awareness and presence of Annie is no longer there. I am disconnected from my own experience or existence. Believe me I do a ton of stuff work 3 jobs all with no Annie. Believe me or don't, but my existence isn't there. Body isn't there etc. I think many are this same way.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I never used to have to think about existing. Now I do bc I am not there. Please tell me someone can relate?


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

I am so far gone it's unbelievable. I am not present AT ALL. Nobody knows how to help.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Chicane said:


> And yet you type lucidly and articulately and are aware of what is happening to you. That suggests to me that you are feeling certain things that are undeniably strong and hard to live with, but still nothing more than sensations. Unless of course you have been diagnosed with a more serious psychiatric disorder. I can't remember ever reading that in your case though. Have the docs and psychs told you nothing at all?


You sound like all the therapists now :/ my goodness I wouldn't go on and on if I didn't think something was EXTREMELY wrong. I get what you are saying. But even typing this now, I have no idea who is doing it and no one is looking out of these eyes or knowing what they are saying at all. I know it's confusing. That's why no one can ever help.


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Do you have memories of your previous life? Ot even things you do now?


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

I am nowhere, you guys. I am confused 24/7!


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Same!


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

How is this even possible? Like seriously! I lost everything!


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## Blankmind23 (Jul 26, 2016)

pasha said:


> i realy wish dp on eveyone around me my friends and family to understand how i suffer and dont blame me and tell me u r always sick . i wish this death on them realy realy bad


 I agree with you then they can understand how fucking painful this really is


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Does any one else feel extremely ghostly. Like ppl could walk right through you?


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Help!!!


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Worst possible thing that can happen to a person. Coping mechanism? Really?


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## hidden (Nov 28, 2015)

Trust me, there is a semblence of sanity in you. Just allow things to pass. If you are 1-3 years into this, that is like NOTHING. Do what you have to do just to survive. Eventually, you will get better.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

NOBLE VICTORY said:


> Trust me, there is a semblence of sanity in you. Just allow things to pass. If you are 1-3 years into this, that is like NOTHING. Do what you have to do just to survive. Eventually, you will get better.


1-3 years is a huge chunk of time. Enough to make me want to give up. How do you think it will get better? It doesn't just go away or disappear.


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## TDX (Jul 12, 2014)

> 1-3 years is a huge chunk of time.


And for me it's 2 years and 5 months.



> Enough to make me want to give up.


Think about this going on for another 50 to 70 years, which can expected bacause of my life expectancy...



> How do you think it will get better? It doesn't just go away or disappear.


In my opinion agressive treatment with medications and neuromodulation is the only chance. I will try to get as much medications I can get and at the end I will try Electroconvulsive Therapy, if everything fails.

I suppose psychotherapy cannot help against this. This is not something I like to say, but psychotherapy has it's borders, just like medication. Zed is the only case I know who claims to have benefited from psychotherapy. And I've read about many "blank minders" on the internet... I suppose all of them tried psychotherapy and it did not work.


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> And how would anyone with DP help me? I don't have ANY sense of self that would stop me from ending it. I am so far gone it's unbelievable. 18 months 24/7 and know most of you have had it longer. I seriously want to die, no one should have to fight this hard. I would take cancer or anything over this. Just to feel myself again. Anything' just anything !!!!
> 
> I can't even hold my body up. It's not my body even. This is completely insanity. I can't walk. I feel like I could lay on the floor dead. Truly. And not even care


People with DP understand what you're going through, the big problem with this condition is it's so unrelatable. Also don't discount the advice of people who still have it, it's a journey out of it and you can grow a lot of wisdom.

By the way, if you didn't have a sense of self you wouldn't be able to know it. The feeling of disorientation and dissociation can come on strong but doesn't last forever, have you done anything to treat yourself?

The disconnect with 'existing' is probably the first thing people with dp/dr experience. Myself I was so deep in to it at the start that I didn't think my thoughts were real. I'm dp/dr free now.


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## Alex617 (Sep 23, 2015)

TDX said:


> I suppose psychotherapy cannot help against this. This is not something I like to say, but psychotherapy has it's borders, just like medication. Zed is the only case I know who claims to have benefited from psychotherapy. And I've read about many "blank minders" on the internet... I suppose all of them tried psychotherapy and it did not work.


It helped me. Once you truly realize that you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you choose to react to it, your life will improve dramatically. It's the mind that decides whether you fight another day, or just do nothing until you decide to give up everything.


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## hidden (Nov 28, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> 1-3 years is a huge chunk of time. Enough to make me want to give up. How do you think it will get better? It doesn't just go away or disappear.


It will go away eventually.

10-20 years is what a lot of us are going on.

Don't let the douchebags win (so to speak)!

Don't allow the smug a-holes to influence you!

Keep going. There are good times ahead of you.


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## Jojo16 (Sep 1, 2015)

Assalamu Alaikum (May the peace, mercy, and blessings of God be with you) God willing everything will be fine, have patience and keep praying to Almighty God for guidance and strength to get through this. I understand this is not easy, but you must persevere; please don't give up, everything happens for a reason.

And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.

[Holy Qur'an , Surah Qaf:Ayah 16]


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## yoloking123 (Jul 6, 2016)

pasha said:


> i realy wish dp on eveyone around me my friends and family to understand how i suffer and dont blame me and tell me u r always sick . i wish this death on them realy realy bad


 me too! I truly do!


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