# How Recover Has Been For ME



## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi all,

I just wanted to write how things have been going with me. In the past year, I have made big steps in facing a lot of my lifelong fears, and have moved past my tendency to dissociate. I no longer feel numb, disconnected, or any DP symptoms. I am now in the process of working through a lot of extremely negative emotions that I haven't felt in many years.

One thing that I am noticing is how important the way I feel about myself is. I think there is a big difference between the way one thinks about themselves and the way they feel about themselves. I have always, even in extremely dissociated times, thought of myself in a pretty positive way. I think of myself as kind, giving, able to compromise, talented, etc. Now that I am in touch with my emotional life, I'm finding I do not actually feel these ways about myself.

There is so much deep shame and guilt that I feel. I feel extremely different than the average person. The more I get in touch with these feelings, the harder it is to talk to people about it and seek help. I am pushing myself to, though. Therapy has brought to my awareness so many negative beliefs I hold about myself. I think this is bringing a completely new perspective to the idea of being depressed.

There is nothing in my life now that I feel depressed about. I actually have a great life at the moment. I have great friends, am living on my own, and am being far more responsible. My emotional world is very intense though. I have been taking everything as a personal attack lately, and have been feeling ashamed of myself for no reason at all. I recall feeling this way A LOT before DP, but I never was fully conscious that I felt that way.

So my goals now are to make improvements in how I feel about myself, how I present myself to other people, and what I value in life. I think it's great to have big goals and work really hard at them, but I need to put much more value in my relationships. Being able to relate to others, in my opinion, is what makes life worth living. It's been rough at times, but I don't feel any confusion anymore. I know what's going on, I have a handle on myself, and I don't feel that I am a victim to myself anymore. Lot's of work to be done though!

Wish you all a great day 

PS, got to drive through Arizona earlier this month. I'm super jealous of anyone who lives in that landscape.


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

Good for you man. Therapy is huge for DP, not necesarily as a "cure" but more as a vehicle for understanding how we got where we are today.

I actually lived in AZ for the last seven months. It's pretty incredible. The entire American Southwest is some of the prettiest and most diverse landscape on the planet. I recommend everyone drive through the Four Corners region at least once in their lifetime.


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

I relate to the part about actually feeling bad about yourself and not being fully aware of it. I think negative thinking / beliefs about yourself is a big part in DP, at least i know it is for me. I too notice i am more aware of the way i feel, and it's a big priority in daily life now. Before i used to not give a fuck about how i felt about myself, just do what i'm supposed to do and keep act normal. Some big changes like that are happening in my life right now, and it's quite exciting! i feel alive


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

Billy D.P. said:


> Therapy is huge for DP, not necesarily as a "cure" but more as a vehicle for understanding how we got where we are today.


Yeah.. well put. Therapy's huge for all the dissociative disorders and should be considered the primary form of treatment. It's unfortunate that so many people encounter poorly trained therapists who don't know what they're doing and they miss the opportunity to see the benefits.


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## Guest (Jun 25, 2016)

I have a therapist appointment next week. This will be my second session. The last one was more of an intake kind of thing with questions so we really didn't get into DPDR.. Do you have any advice on how I can steer the conversation in that direction and stay on topic. What specifically has your therapist done with you that you've found helpful with your derealization.

I really want to go in there with a clear game plan.


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

CharlieFreak said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I just wanted to write how things have been going with me. In the past year, I have made big steps in facing a lot of my lifelong fears, and have moved past my tendency to dissociate. I no longer feel numb, disconnected, or any DP symptoms. I am now in the process of working through a lot of extremely negative emotions that I haven't felt in many years.
> 
> ...


That's very insightful stuff! And good to hear how much you've improved.

From what I understand it's quite common for people with dissociative disorders to have a whole string of issues to deal with - depression, anxiety, low self esteem, misuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, relationship difficulties, socialisation difficulties, etc.. and the more we work on these issues the better off we are.

PS: I've been told time and time again by people that 'love is the answer to many of our problems'. And it starts with self love. I believe that to be true...


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

Pondererer said:


> I relate to the part about actually feeling bad about yourself and not being fully aware of it. I think negative thinking / beliefs about yourself is a big part in DP, at least i know it is for me. I too notice i am more aware of the way i feel, and it's a big priority in daily life now. Before i used to not give a fuck about how i felt about myself, just do what i'm supposed to do and keep act normal. Some big changes like that are happening in my life right now, and it's quite exciting! i feel alive


Same. I was in a relationship recently and the further it went along the worse I felt about myself. I had absolutely no clue why. She was basically in love with me and me with her, yet I couldn't get over this innate feeling I had of myself as bad and not worthy of her time. As Zed said, this can be a huge part of dissociation. I know it was for me. Relationships have always been extremely difficult for me to navigate. I really think there's a reason DP falls under the dissociative spectrum in the DSM. I think many of us have used our imaginations to escape our problems ever since childhood and now it's just coming back to bite us in the rear end! I know for me dissociation has been a huge discovery both in therapy and on this message board and I've come such a long way now that I understand what's happened to me my entire life.


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## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

Wait this is awesome that we are having this conversation. I'd love to see more conversations like this on this website; it would make me want to log on more. Once one gets past the whole freak out stage of DP and all those symptoms, it's tough to find support about relationship issues, negative beliefs, all that fun stuff. Thanks to all who responded


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## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

Zed said:


> That's very insightful stuff! And good to hear how much you've improved.
> 
> From what I understand it's quite common for people with dissociative disorders to have a whole string of issues to deal with - depression, anxiety, low self esteem, misuse of drugs and alcohol, self harm, relationship difficulties, socialisation difficulties, etc.. and the more we work on these issues the better off we are.
> 
> PS: I've been told time and time again by people that 'love is the answer to many of our problems'. And it starts with self love. I believe that to be true...


Zed, you always have great contributions from what I've seen. Amen! Self love is a wonderful thing to welcome into your life. It has always been difficult for myself, but I'm finding it easier. My therapist always says, "You are... so so hard on yourself." I just laugh and say, "That's all I know."


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## Guest (Jun 25, 2016)

You have to be careful about self-love. If you do it too much you could go blind! 

Good post Charlie. I agree that what we think about ourselves and how we really feel can be two very different things!


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