# Self-hatred



## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

If I am feeling anxiety I will often behave in a way that causes me to feel even more anxiety. For example I will make it my aim to make friends yet the anxiety will cause me to present myself as nervous and sort of "uncool." When this happens (and it happens often) I will end up self-attacking, hating myself, resenting my current psychological / emotional situation. I think this might be one of the worst things about DP for me. Having an idea in your head of how you want to present yourself and then just hating who you actually are.

I've had it told to me over and over that the cure if "self-acceptance" but it's not easy. There's still so much shame there about how fucked up I am.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Yeah im exactly the same

I don't really talk to anyone about it except my psychotherapist and then I dont tell anyone I go to psychotherapy as im ashamed to admit I do


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

I don't think it's really a symptom of dp/dr, I think it goes on its own. I'm sure there's plenty of people with self hatred who don't have dp....I mean I wouldn't know, but just a guess. I never tell my therapists everything too, I kind of self sabatoge myself in therapy and focus on something little and unimportant.


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## count_me_in (Aug 18, 2010)

babybowrain said:


> I'm sure there's plenty of people with self hatred who don't have dp....


but not the other way around.


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## Guest (Oct 25, 2010)

Im glad to see this thread. Obviously only for reasons of relating on things like this thats hard to talk about. I totally hear ya. Ironically I try and detach from that thought. I mean its been 16yrs and I almost forget anyway. It still hits of course though. I have a wonderfull wife and kids and I am extremely thankfull...but I have the self hatred cause I cant do near what I know I could. Its hard. Its fny though cause I have such compassion for you who suffer from this but none for me. I dont mean self pity..I mean if I had a loved one with this I know I would have extreme compassion and not judge in the negative sense...only in the sense of how shitty it is to have the "illness". Its an illness. I am on meds or I would be locked up by now I think. So if I am improved somewhat by medication, and all the research I have done..IT'S AN ILLNESS. Do we hate or think less of others with illnesses..hell no. So why are we so hard on ourselves. We have to remind ourselves of these things as you need to repeat positive-truthfull things as negative un-truths are thought far too much. Acceptance comes with understanding and helps put us at somewhat of an ease. I mean people I know who have had S.P.E.C.T. scans (all having dp/dr) have had results as temporal lobe epilepsy. Its not our fault. We suffer and then hate ourselves??? Its hard I know...I do it on and off. I have to remind myself that I have an illness and should take it accordingly. I CANT help it..I have fought like hell for a very long time. I wont stop looking for help but have to take care of ME the best I can.
Well I guess I really went on there..lol. Peace.

superunknown


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

Maybe this is a layer below dp, well for me anyway if im not dp im beating myself up about something which I guess is a bit more alive and at least there is some anger involved even if it is directed inwards, but you can only beat yourself up so much before you dissociate or get dp again as a relief.


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Pablo said:


> Maybe this is a layer below dp, well for me anyway if im not dp im beating myself up about something which I guess is a bit more alive and at least there is some anger involved even if it is directed inwards, but you can only beat yourself up so much before you dissociate or get dp again as a relief.


Yeah exactly. If your mind is a hostile environment then it would be only natural for you to dissociate from yourself as a way of escaping. Maybe if we work on how we talk to ourselves then we'll be less likely to dissociate.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I know what you mean. I tend to be really hard on myself for having this, even though I didn't consciously do anything to make it happen, and I think I've done that for all 7 1/2 years or so that I've had it. When I'm talking to someone who doesn't know that I have it, which is pretty much everyone except my therapist and a few friends, I can get this guilt, like "you're fooling them by trying to present yourself as sane." That thought stuff was definitely there before the dp/dr, but I think the rumination and the fact that I've got this might make it more intense.


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