# Constant paralysing DP/DR



## Aphelion (Jan 13, 2010)

Hi,

I don't really know where to start, I've been signed up to DPD self help since 2010 but this is my first time posting. I've been suffering from DP/DR for about 16 years (I'm 29 now) and it's been a constant state except for a three month period in 2006. I'm an architecture student in London on my third attempt at fourth year but I'm failing again. No matter how long I sit to work my mind is so empty that I literally cannot make a mark on the paper even when I'm faced with having to drop out. Anyway lately I've been prescribed 'vyvanse' an amphetamine used to treat adhd. I've been taking it for around a month and though it's not consistent in any way, it has 'brought me back to reality' on three separate days. When I'm back I can work and be creative and think, but mainly it's just nice to experience the world and my family and friends for a little bit, and find out about the people that they really are without that static perception of them I have when I'm 'behind the screen.' The problem is that the dp keeps coming back. My mind notices it and quickly I disappear again. I'm back to really bad dp again and i'm not sure it will go. Anyway while i was 'me' and rational i thought about a lot of things, like basically when I'm dp i seem to have no free will or choice or opinion. Anyway, much like patients with degenerative diseases I made a choice, not one I can act on when I'm dp but rather 'if' i have another day where i feel like me then I'm not going to risk letting the dp come back. I want to go on my terms and when I'm happy. I truly hope you all find a way to feel like yourselves again and have amazing and long happy lives, because I know that this feeling of being absent is really horrendous, and you deserve to feel human again. I just can't cope with disappearing anymore. Good luck, and peace out


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## micah.gingerich (Dec 27, 2014)

I'm a bit confused by this post, what do you mean by this?


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## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

On those three seperates days when u got brought back to reality how did it happen? Did all ur symptoms just disappear like numbness and being out of ur body etc? I can't even picture what it feels like to have dp disappear so from someone that has experienced it could u tell me in detail how it happened


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## Aphelion (Jan 13, 2010)

Hey alnadine, sorry to hear that. How long have you been feeling this for? Honestly I'm not really sure how it happens, I just start gradually coming back, like a build up and I get closer and closer to that 'glass screen' and then suddenly the screen is gone and I'm back in my head. It's sounds stupid but every time it's happened it's so overwhelming that I can't stop crying or smiling at the same time. It's almost like part of my brain forgets what it's like to be DP and everything becomes much calmer and clearer.

One of the times though it was different. When I felt myself start to come back I did something that's hard to describe because it's a mental thing, but i'll try incase it helps. Normally the way I've dealt with trying to fix this is to hate the DP part of me and be angry towards it, but this time I was more compassionate. I told whatever part of my brain that hides away that it was safe to come out, that there was nothing to be afraid of out here anymore and I started to come back faster. It's like if you manage to get that little spark don't try to force your brain to be 'normal' again, let it know that it doesn't have to disappear, that there's a capable adult (you) that can handle everything that's going on. Embrace the uncertainty of the real world and the external things that we can't control. I'm not sure if it's our inner child or what, but I think I'm starting to get that even in this DP state we're still us, it's just not the whole of us. I know DP is an automatic response to anxiety and I think fighting it is the wrong way to go about it now. If you get any moments when you feel even a little more like yourself, reassure the 'disappeared' part of you, don't hate it, it's just scared of what's out here and it needs to know that you can handle reality. I know this is easier said than done as I haven't managed to do it again yet, but when I 'came back' that time there was no separate parts of 'real me' and 'DP' me, I just became one mind and even the memories that I normally feel so disconnected from felt like mine.

I'm not sure if I have adhd and it's all connected, or that the amphetamines are acting as a tool to help me connect a little bit and then the rest is up to me. If it taught me one thing, it's that we're not powerless, no matter how much it feels that way at times. We have to (when we get the opportunity) use our minds to coax the missing part of us out. There are no binaries of 'DP' us and 'real' us, it's more nuanced than that. I'm not sure if it will help anyone but it's just something I found worked, even if it was just that once. I think if we understand this more we can get better through knowledge and rational thinking.

I really hope you manage to feel whole again even if it's only for a few minutes. I know how awful it is 'behind the screen' but hopefully we'll all find a way to reconnect.


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## MisterCrayons (Feb 3, 2013)

it's very unfortunate about how you are not able to focus on school work. You need to make sure that architecture is what is in your heart to do as a job for possible and rest of your life and that it interest you. At the end of the day everything happens for a reason, even though you may not see it in this lifetime, and keep your head up. You will always have a community that understands what your going through.


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