# Can't stop thinking about it



## Mythid (Apr 8, 2010)

Hey guys, I myself have diagnosed myself with depersonalization disorder. I dread the night i googled the way i have been feeling for the past year because it opened up the floodgates to something i really did not want to know I had. I love my life, my family, my amazing girlfriend, and pretty much everything that i have improved in the past couple of years. The trouble I am having is that nobody can understand the condition I am in. Nobody in my family or any of my loved ones feels the way i feel. My mother calls me a "deep thinker" although i always have been i used to be able to associate when I am thinking deeply and now I cannot disconnect myself from my thoughts.

I am not going to say that i am lost without a cause like most people will when they self diagnose themselves with this scary condition. I know it is completely my mindset and i can feel it become less of a burden as I stop thinking about it. The problems i am having particular difficulty with is talking to people who I do not know very well. For instance at work. I work a retail job where i am a sales associate and I cannot focus on my conversations in the way an average person will. It is almost as if I am picking apart bit by bit piece by piece everything i am saying to the person and also processing their view on me as I am talking.... sort of like an epic form of multitasking, one that i don't like because i feel myself being overpowered with anxiety as it happens. I get nervous and very uncomfortable.

The root cause to all of this coming on to me last year I cannot determine. All i know is my life has completely changed, I am losing touch with all of the things that made up who I was. I don't truthfully know who I am at this point i have no self image, not saying i don't recognize myself in the mirror because i do. It's just as if someone took all of my thoughts and reflections of myself away from me and I am just indifferent. One cause might be the fact that i occasionally used to smoke weed once in a while. One night my friend smoked with me and i had the worst high i have ever experienced in my life, full fledge panic attack as i left and fell shakily onto my bed and proceeded to shake, I thought in my head i was dying and i could see my pulse beating as my eyes were shut as it kept a rhythm in my head. All i know is I was never quite right after that night I always feel a little off the next day after smoking but this next day it was that times 1000. I had not known what was in that weed he gave me all i know is he dabbles with other drugs like shrooms, I fear he might have mixed salvia in it. Anyway ever since then I have stopped smoking and things don't seem to be getting much better unfortunately.

What i want from you guys now that I tried my best to explain my situation is any motivating things, or maybe tips to help me overcome this horrible obsessive situation. I literally think at this point it is an obsession, I know at one point i was out of it but i have just dwelled on it for so long. It came onto me when i was just about turning 18 and now I am well into 19 and still feeling it. I can't shake my ocd with this "disorder" so any wise words would be very much welcomed.


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