# I want to cry SOOOOO bad, but I can't



## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

I have cried maybe 1 or 2 times since ive had DP and after I did, I felt WAY better. I just cant do it now nomatter how sad I get. Now along with MASSIVE DP, I just feel like I dont exist and that I CANT show the emotions that I should be showing in certain situations. I feel so alone and tired, because im fighting this everyday and I get mentally weaker and weaker everyday. Though im sad, I cant cry. Though im angry, I cant show it. And HAPPINESS!!!! I dont even know what that is anymore, like litterally, I dont know what it feels like to be happy. Im just sad, scared, tired, and wanting to just lay down in a whole and let it tourture me until I die. I know this is very downer, but this is really how I feel inside.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

i understand how you feel.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Theone2 said:


> i understand how you feel.


Thats whats so great about this site. People understand.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

i cried yesterday, or maybe the day before. it didn't really feel real though. It was a bit satisfying but i kinda just felt stupid.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Claymore, have you tried fish oil pills. Its seems the help with DP a little bit.
I have started taking them with my lexapro.
You should try them and let me know what ya think.

-Zach


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

zach, what is your avitar? is that eddie vedder?


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Theone2 said:


> Claymore, have you tried fish oil pills. Its seems the help with DP a little bit.
> I have started taking them with my lexapro.
> You should try them and let me know what ya think.
> 
> -Zach


Yeah I was taking them until my bottle ran out, ill get another one. I also take b-complex, b-6, a multivitamin, celexa, naltrexone, xanax, and ativan.lol. But yeah Ill get another bottle of the fish oil pills and see if they help anymore.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Awesome,give it another shot. Im open to advice to.

Garjon, Yes that is vedder  
R u a fan?


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

depending on how this makes you feel, maybe this will make you cry. Michael Jackson is dead.


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Yeah i heard. Im actually not that big of a jackson fan though.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Yeah theone ill share whatever changes I have, if any. And yeah its weird that MJ is dead. Even though I wasnt a big fan, thats hard to swallow. :|


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

i agree, i wasn't a big fan either it's just always a little crazy when celebrities die.


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## whatisthis (Feb 27, 2009)

Yeah, I didn't cry when I heard the news about Michael Jackson, but it kind of jolted me a bit. In a weird way it made me feel connected to everyone.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

whatisthis said:


> Yeah, I didn't cry when I heard the news about Michael Jackson, but it kind of jolted me a bit. In a weird way it made me feel connected to everyone.


huh' :shock:


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## dancintrulife (Jun 18, 2009)

I can never cry either since this first started years ago, although I did cry a few nights ago when something happened, I was surprised I was able to. It can be so horrible needing to cr and not being able to get it out.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

dancintrulife said:


> It can be so horrible needing to cr and not being able to get it out.


I know, a good cry is very refreshing even if you are sad. I wish I could do it more often.


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## dancintrulife (Jun 18, 2009)

Claymore said:


> dancintrulife said:
> 
> 
> > It can be so horrible needing to cr and not being able to get it out.
> ...


Yeah me too.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

dancintrulife said:


> Claymore said:
> 
> 
> > dancintrulife said:
> ...


A cry makes me feel better sometimes. It reminds me that I have emotions.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

zach didn't see your post a while back, yeah i'm a huge eddie vedder fan. I do get a little annoyed when musicians get really political cause i don't feel like it is really their place, but music wise, i'm a huge fan..i especially love the into the wild soundtrack.

-michael


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

Oh yeah i understand what you mean. Aloto of musicians get involved with politics crap mostly because fans try to pull them into it because alot of musicans/songwriters like Vedder are REALLY Smart.
But yeah..R u excited Pearl Jams new Album coming out??

Heres one of the first world premier off the new album called "BackSpacer". Its on the Conan O'Brien show! If you have not seen it, Watch!

http://www.pearljam.com/news/got-some-p ... night-show

-Zach


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

a lot of times the song Oceans by Pearl Jam has saved my life... I simply can not live without their music, Pearl Jam is my favorite band ever


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## dancintrulife (Jun 18, 2009)

I really need to cry now but I can't either. I felt like I was gonna cry all day yesterday but I just couldn't. Urgh.


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

yesterday happened a strange thing to me - my family and our friends were having a trip in country side, my dad was so nervous and violent all the day, all the time he was trying to deny whatever I said and play out a fool from me, then out of the other eyes behind the car I said to him that he should be nicer and loyal to me even if he has migraine, but as an answer he punched me. then they all went to the museum but I was so fucking shocked and speachless, I just calmly said that my head hurts and I would like to stay outside, like nothing ever happened, because I didn't want make my mother sad and scared by telling what really happened.when everyone was gone,I couldn't breathe anymore, I just hit the ground and I felt big teardrops floating down my face. then from nowhere came one old woman and embraced me there, laying on the ground, she made me to repeat for hundred times that I am most beautiful and smartest girl on the planet and I will success in everything I do.. she even asked my number and called on the next day, checking is everything ok, that was so sweet.. it was so melting and if there wouldn't be her number in my phone I would think that I hallucinated that hole episode.. I know, this story is very sad in a way (because it's NOT cool, if I am almost 20 and somebody still thinks he can use me as his boxbag), but that old lady again prooved me, that there are angels walking on the earth (maybe not literally  ), and even if world falls apart there's still something what can make you so grateful and inspired..
sorry guys for this heavy shit(it's kind offtopical maybe), but I just needed to get this all out from me..


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

thats an incredible story nonono. It's amazing what can happen sometimes at your some of your hardest points. I've had people help me out like this along the way and its always so comforting to know that at least there are still people out there who really genuinely are good and care. This morning has been really rough for me, i wish i had someone to comfort me at this point. 

zach, yeah i saw the conan performance but honestly wasn't impressed i thought it was kind of a weak performance. I'll still be interested in hearing the new album though.


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

I think you can always turn to somebody here.. if you share your pain and sorrow, it's a half pain and sorrow.. at least I am always open to listen and cheer up, if I'm online, so now you know  there's no worse thing in this world, when you are so hurt and there's noone to be with you in this.. I don't wish it even to my enemies.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

yeah i wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I would so much rather have a physical illness that i was dealing with and had a set path to take in the healing process then to have to deal with this psychological one. I think i've learned to tolerate a lot of the mental bullshit that happens to me, but occasionally when there are physical withdrawal or anxiety symptoms also present, it makes things ten times worse. i mean literally 30 minutes ago i thought it was done for and was going to start hallucinating, and now i'm just sitting here calmly (or as calm as i get these days ) and everything seems okay. I dont know what to do to get out of this but i pray that all of us get out one day and can go back to living our lives. At this point it doesnt feel like living. I also just read the counting crows lead singer's article on his dissociative disorder. It was pretty interesting actually.


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

Adam Duritz? where do you read this?


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.d ... 281eac____


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

dancintrulife said:


> I really need to cry now but I can't either. I felt like I was gonna cry all day yesterday but I just couldn't. Urgh.


Im right there with ya'.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

nonono said:


> yesterday happened a strange thing to me - my family and our friends were having a trip in country side, my dad was so nervous and violent all the day, all the time he was trying to deny whatever I said and play out a fool from me, then out of the other eyes behind the car I said to him that he should be nicer and loyal to me even if he has migraine, but as an answer he punched me. then they all went to the museum but I was so flower* shocked and speachless, I just calmly said that my head hurts and I would like to stay outside, like nothing ever happened, because I didn't want make my mother sad and scared by telling what really happened.when everyone was gone,I couldn't breathe anymore, I just hit the ground and I felt big teardrops floating down my face. then from nowhere came one old woman and embraced me there, laying on the ground, she made me to repeat for hundred times that I am most beautiful and smartest girl on the planet and I will success in everything I do.. she even asked my number and called on the next day, checking is everything ok, that was so sweet.. it was so melting and if there wouldn't be her number in my phone I would think that I hallucinated that hole episode.. I know, this story is very sad in a way (because it's NOT cool, if I am almost 20 and somebody still thinks he can use me as his boxbag), but that old lady again prooved me, that there are angels walking on the earth (maybe not literally  ), and even if world falls apart there's still something what can make you so grateful and inspired..
> sorry guys for this heavy shit(it's kind offtopical maybe), but I just needed to get this all out from me..


God probably put that lady there for you at that exact time when you needed it. :wink: Thats how he works a lot of the time.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

not to turn this thread into a religion thing or anything, but i just wonder why God will do things to show you that he is there but he wont take away dp/dr. It's frustrating.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> not to turn this thread into a religion thing or anything, but i just wonder why God will do things to show you that he is there but he wont take away dp/dr. It's frustrating.


Lots of time he will take your illness away, but a lot of the time, he walks through it with you and reminds you that he is there with you always. He is the only reason I havent hung myself already is because I know he is right beside me in every storm I go through. Sometimes he allows us to go through trials for several reasons. It could be to make us stronger, or to strentghen our faith in him, and sometimes its us. We hold on to our problems instead of giving them to him and letting him handle them and trusting that he will work everything out. But we do have an enemy that hates us and attacks us so that we will get mad at God and curse him because he didnt heal us. That is what the enemy tried to do to Job. Read the book of Job, that book has gotten me through a lot. God allowed Satan to take EVERYTHING away from Job so that Job would stop serving God. He even took his family, his health, and killed his children, but even after all of that Job said "even though the Lord refuses to rescue me, I will praise him". Therefore he defeated the enemy's plan to get him to curse God and God gave him twice what he had in the beggining. But if I know one thing is that if you can deal with severe DP/DR, you become stronger by the minute. I know you will reply to this Micheal but im feeling a little sick and my DP is kinda bad because I ran out of Ativan until my appointment 2morrow so im gonna go to sleep for a while so it may take a while for me to reply to your reply lol.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

no worries. sorry you aren't feeling well i had a bit of a rough day as well this morning but it's kinda evened out. The only thing i never liked about the book of job was that you think everything is all great in the end because he gets twice as much as he had back. Problem is, family isn't just replaceable and his entire family and servants except for those 4 or 5 that escaped to tell job what happened all died. So while job was okay, that's a lot of people that died for no reason at all. Job was given twice as much back but these people still remained dead. Oops, guess this is turning into a religion thread haha. feel better man.


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

Garjon said:


> not to turn this thread into a religion thing or anything, but i just
> wonder why God will do things to show you that he is there but he wont
> take away dp/dr. It's frustrating.


I believe that a person can't understand lot of ways of Creator, we can't often understand his (?) will etc, because we are only human beings with our traumatized human brains (what we use for less than 10% or smt), we can't even understand Creators entity, we can only quess... In my opinion Creator is NOT a person, so he (?) can't be humanized, personalized and we can't give him (?) any gender. and I do believe, that everything what happens has a reason and happens for good, even if it seems not. even if its DPDR


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## ZachT (Sep 8, 2008)

I agree


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

i agree too about 95 percent of the time, and the other 5 percent of the time i would say that is a bullshit answer haha.


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

Garjon said:


> i agree too about 95 percent of the time, and the other 5 percent of the time i would say that is a bullshit answer haha.


go on! ; D


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

Don't let other people abuse you!!! Do whatever it takes to get away from an abuser. Now looking back on my abusive parents, I would have called the police on them for the abuse they put me through.


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## nonono (Feb 2, 2009)

Rebekah said:


> Don't let other people abuse you!!! Do whatever it takes to get away
> from an abuser. Now looking back on my abusive parents, I would have
> called the police on them for the abuse they put me through.


Thank you.. I know I maybe should've done this, but unfortunately I understand my dad's behaviour, because he goes through the hell and sadly he's not very considerate person. and police couldn't do much, only make bigger mess in my family. anyway I promised already to my self that this is the last time I let something like this happen. or that will be ME who breaks someone's nose next time.jk


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> no worries. sorry you aren't feeling well i had a bit of a rough day as well this morning but it's kinda evened out. The only thing i never liked about the book of job was that you think everything is all great in the end because he gets twice as much as he had back. Problem is, family isn't just replaceable and his entire family and servants except for those 4 or 5 that escaped to tell job what happened all died. So while job was okay, that's a lot of people that died for no reason at all. Job was given twice as much back but these people still remained dead. Oops, guess this is turning into a religion thread haha. feel better man.


Its ok im back and kinda high too.lol (took one small hit of pot with my cousin a few minutes ago just for the heck of it lol.) but anyway, Job may have lost those people but he also knew that it would all pay off in the end. He'd get to go to heaven and see and be with them again forever.  And not only that, but God was bragging on Job to satan. Satan came to God and cursed Job saying that the only reason he serves you is because he has everything he wants, if you let me take that away from him he will curse you and not serve you. God said OK, you can do anything but kill him but Job will always be a faithfull servant to me and he always will be. And thats how I hope to be someday. As close to Him as Job was.  Just watch this vid. This is the way I try to think about things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNi9KpVB ... re=related


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

but now he is stuck with having to attend to two families in heaven. That'd be a bit weird? haha. so you think smoking pot is going to help after it is what got you here in the first place? have you watched the movie numb? haha.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> but now he is stuck with having to attend to two families in heaven. That'd be a bit weird? haha. so you think smoking pot is going to help after it is what got you here in the first place? have you watched the movie numb? haha.


Yeah ive seen the movie numb.lol. its one of my fav movies.  I dont know I guess I gave into peer pressure and plus before DP I LLLOOOOVVVVEEEDDD WEED!!!!! And when I get around it and smell it I always get tempted but I only took one hit, and actually I felt better when I woke up the next morning than I have in a while which I wasnt expecting but im back to bad DP lol, of course. And my DP came after I drank a 4oz bottle of robotussin DM and then being stupid and smoking a lot of good weed on top of it which caused me to have a psychotic episode and ended up in the hospital, Ive had DP every day since then. I smoked weed for years with know DP so mine was triggered by DXM+WEED.lol.


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

i'm just ready for this shit to go away, i have become such a worthless person lately and everyone is constantly telling me about it. i dont think this will/can ever go away? now that i am this way i just can't imagine ever feeling normal again. I guess i just hope it doesnt get any worse at this point. not like its manageable right now anyway haha but at least i'm alive?


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> i'm just ready for this shit to go away, i have become such a worthless person lately and everyone is constantly telling me about it. i dont think this will/can ever go away? now that i am this way i just can't imagine ever feeling normal again. I guess i just hope it doesnt get any worse at this point. not like its manageable right now anyway haha but at least i'm alive?


I aggree. :shock: Maybe you shoudnt go off the Xanax RIGHT NOW, thing will get worse. I wouldnt dare come off mine right now.lol. :shock:


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

well to be honest things are only worse in the sense that they aren't as good as when i'm on xanax. i really just feel like i felt when i first got my dp..so i feel like if i come off of it, use a natural method, maybe i can fully recover without meds. worst case scenario, i have plenty for when i need them. my mom is a doctor which helps.  too bad she isn't a psychiatrist who could also give me therapy although she is really great to talk to.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> well to be honest things are only worse in the sense that they aren't as good as when i'm on xanax. i really just feel like i felt when i first got my dp..so i feel like if i come off of it, use a natural method, maybe i can fully recover without meds. worst case scenario, i have plenty for when i need them. my mom is a doctor which helps.  too bad she isn't a psychiatrist who could also give me therapy although she is really great to talk to.


Well it does sound like you are in a pretty good situation.  I wish for the best case scenario for you Mike. :wink:


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## Garjon (Apr 4, 2009)

thanks man i appreciate it, hope your trip goes well (or went well as you will probably not read this till you get back)


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## bline1 (Jun 4, 2007)

I know what you mean I havent cried in ages . And if people say mean things or something happens to someone in my family that is bad . I just sit there , the only thing close i get is when I have pmt and I see a wspa add I get a line of moisture and thats it . I have even broken up with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and still nothing.


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## bline1 (Jun 4, 2007)

I know what you mean I havent cried in ages . And if people say mean things or something happens to someone in my family that is bad . I just sit there , the only thing close i get is when I have pmt and I see a wspa add I get a line of moisture and thats it . I have even broken up with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and still nothing.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Garjon said:


> thanks man i appreciate it, hope your trip goes well (or went well as you will probably not read this till you get back)


Man the trip sucked.  It didnt help at all, it was more like a chore. Im never doing it again. And going out everynight and drinking made my DP a LOT worse. Ive just been in the bed for 2 days since I got back.


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## jfromaz (Mar 23, 2009)

Crying helps bring me back to reality sometimes when I have really bad DP/DR. I actually only have the derealization aspect of it.


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## Claymore (Jun 13, 2009)

Notsure said:


> I actually only have the derealization aspect of it.


Lucky you.


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