# i'm honestly.. lost.



## Elliee (Apr 19, 2011)

Heyy everyone.. if you haven't figured it out, my names Ellie, and i don't know who I am anymore. I'm new here, so i honestly don't really know what to say, so bare with mee...
Mkay, honestly i forgot to live a carefree life. I used to go out and do everything possibly fun, always always with my friends, than everything changed. I've had a super tough life, ever since I was seven; my rents divorced and it all went downhill cause my moms boyfriends.. i don't want to go into that right now. Its just, I can't take it anymore! Constantly, I'm worrying about this I'm worrying about that, my mind; not me; comes up with all these unrealistic things about my boyfriend. Now i've never been able to trust anyone in my life so i keep things bottled up (and im not some dork who sits in her room all day long, trust me, not my thing.) I always think he's gonna cheat on me or say this or that, it gets really bad and I don't even know why. I mean yeah, I'll admit I do get jealous. But in a healthy relationship thats a good thing to an extent I think, means you really care for your partner and you don't want them to leave you. That's how I see it I guess. All the time I'm thinking what if this happened what if that happened, and then i start getting really warm and my heart feels like its gonna pound right out of my chest, i shake, all these emotions come at me at once, its eaten away at my self esteem, self confidence, my relationship with my amazing boyfriend, my life.

This happens, all the time. Or I'm worrying about something else. Or something little that happened earlier that day.. that everyone else moved on from.. and the longer its on my mind, the worst the scenario gets, and the worst the future scenario will be.

I'm SICK, literally SICK of whats happening to me, I can't escape it. I've tried different doctors I've tried pills I've tried therapist. 
Nothing works.
And what really bothers me? No one else seems to understand what I'm going through, they think its "all in my head" or I'm just a bitch or "its normal to have anxiety". REALLYYYY?!?! Its NORMAL to be in a living hell every single day? To dread about every little frickin thing? Yeah, I didn't think so.
That's why i came here.. and that's why I'm spilling my story to my labtop.. or whoever reads this.(Id be shocked if someone read this, but oh well.)

This monster is ruining my life. Its ruining my perfect relationship with my amazing boyfriend, i try to explain but he just gets mad because he thinks I'm making up excuses for how i act and he says anxiety is all in my head, although my doctor told me that I had extreme anxiety and she hasn't seen alot of people like me.
Please, I'll admit.... I'm scared. I'm scared to lose everything and I'm scared of this monster that i can't control.
I've never met anyone one else that has or is goin through the same thing i am.. any have some answers? ):

I'd be so thankful if someone could show me a little light on the end of this longgggg tunnel ):

Thanks.. ellie.
lets hope this makes sense.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

Hi Ellie. Im very sorry about what you are going through. I understand it is hell.

About the rumbling (endless loop-circled thoughts that lead to nowhere), try doing this.
Whenever you start embarking on that train to nowhere, lay down on your bed. Try to relax and get as confortable as you can. try not to put a thick blanket to cover yourself, as this will tell your body you re going to sleep. much better if you put your pillow at the other side of the bed, and dont get between the sheets. you can cover yourself with a thin sheet which you dont regularly use to sleep, if you re cold. 
Now, observe your thoughts and worries. Worry for some time. Try to find a way out of it by thinking rationally. Say: ok, it IS possible that my boyfriend will cheat me. I cant know for sure. But worrying so much about it will not prevent it from happening. i might actually increase the chances, as i am worrying so much i stop being confident with myself and that shows when im with him, your sexual energy diminishes when you re anxious, and by this i dont mean explicit sex but overall libido and cheerfulness. 
If this lowers your anxiety, GOOD. if it doesnt work, and you still find your self worrying, in spite of the now evident illogical nature of your fear, CONGRATULATIONS!!









you have learned something very valuable. Your worries/fears have nothing to do with those thoughts. Thoughts speak a rational language. You find a way around them by speaking their lanuage: Logic. Once you defuse/de-contract those thoughts and see that there is a logical way around them, they will come up with something illogical: YES BUT IF YOU DONT WORRY THEN YOU WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION< SO BETTER TO KEEP WORRYING. or some stupid s**t like that.

ok, so maybe at this point, knowing that your mind is kind of playing against you, you choose to temporarily ignore it. just ignore it. a thought comes to you about your boyfriend, or your past, or whatever crap is making sure you remain anguished and hurt.. you simply tell it: I dont Care. Try it. Just dont give a f**k about anything your mind tells you. Dont care your way out of this trap. Just dont play along. so what you do is, instead of listening to your mind and entering these hellish thought loops, you say: I DONT CARE, and you relax your body even further. Your legs, just relax, focus on your body. this is something more real. your body is tense. relax it. dont listen to your mind, just relax your body. and breath. no need to breath very deeply, just try to have a comfortable breath and dont let yourself down if you dont quiet it easily, it takes time, so keep relaxing, and not caring, and relax. stay like that for as long as you wish, trying to increase relaxation and not worrying about ANYTHING. there is NOTHING that you need to DO, NOTHING that you need to THINK about, and most definitely NOTHING that you need to WORRY about. all you need to do for those, say 30 mins a day, is relax and NOT GIVE A F**K about anything, specially what your mind has to say about who you are and about your life. you have a choice wether you want to remain suffering or you want to come to the light. the light is not in the mind, the light is in the heart. you find it by relaxing and ignoring the mind, focusing on your body. soon you will feel a flow o feelings underneath the chatter of your mind. what is more real to you?
try it and let me know.

love

Abraxas


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## mm29 (Apr 18, 2011)

I once told me therapist that anxiety is like carbon monoxide. It has no taste, smell or sound. It sneaks up on you and knocks you to your feet. I know exactly how you feel. No one understands me. My therapist pretends to understand what I'm going through, but he doesn't. How can you, if you haven't experienced it. It's frustrated trying to explain it to people. I don't even tell people. 
I only told two people my mother and my husband. My mother responded by says "You need more vitamins". My husband said, "maybe it's all the drugs your therapist is giving you". My therapist thinks it's fascinating. My Psychiatrist doesn't even address it, he focus on my anxiety. 
People usually think it's temporary. They don't know its 24/7. You look normal and speak normal. You may seem a bit agitated, spaced headed and/or irritable. You may not be able to listen to long conversation because your mind begins to obsess about other stupid things. But all and all, you seem normal. You don't talk to yourself on the street. You not screaming and threatening to slit your wrist. So you're not crazy.
We are melodramatic drama Queens or kings. Self absorbed -because with DP/DR you can only think about yourself. Your thoughts-Your fears-consume your life- 
Basically, a good relationship is judge during the difficult times. If your partner can remain supportive during this difficult time, then that is a good relationship. My husband doesn't understand what I'm going through, but he is very supportive. Most decent people are. 
The light at the end of the tunnel is we are a select number of people who will ever experience this. When you snap back to normal (and you will). Cherish it and don't take it for granted.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

mm29 said:


> I once told me therapist that anxiety is like carbon monoxide. It has no taste, smell or sound. It sneaks up on you and knocks you to your feet. I know exactly how you feel. No one understands me. My therapist pretends to understand what I'm going through, but he doesn't. How can you, if you haven't experienced it. It's frustrated trying to explain it to people. I don't even tell people.
> I only told two people my mother and my husband. My mother responded by says "You need more vitamins". My husband said, "maybe it's all the drugs your therapist is giving you". My therapist thinks it's fascinating. My Psychiatrist doesn't even address it, he focus on my anxiety.
> People usually think it's temporary. They don't know its 24/7. You look normal and speak normal. You may seem a bit agitated, spaced headed and/or irritable. You may not be able to listen to long conversation because your mind begins to obsess about other stupid things. But all and all, you seem normal. You don't talk to yourself on the street. You not screaming and threatening to slit your wrist. So you're not crazy.
> We are melodramatic drama Queens or kings. Self absorbed -because with DP/DR you can only think about yourself. Your thoughts-Your fears-consume your life-
> ...


True. I think I kind of brought this to myself. I always played with the idea of losing myself. Now that i found myself again, I really cherish it and well, definitely dont take it for granted!
I understand what you are saying, no one will ever understand. It is up to us to look within and find the root of the dis-ease. Anxiety really is the most important parasite i had to deal with in order to find my Self. It disguises as you, makes you think you need it. you need to worry, you need to solve something, you need to know. when all you need to do is just be. and rambling/thinking takes you away from just being. 
I like a chinese proberb that says: Anxiety/Tension is what you think you are, Relaxation is who you are. Just relax, have a more sensual approach to your self, come down to earth, feel the ground, gravity, feel your body. touch yourself. the body is a lot more real than your existencial thoughts. for me DP had a lot to do with blocking sexual energy, sensuality. In DP, mind hijacks body, brain thinks he is ALL, when in reality it is just an organ, mind is just a TOOL. your body needs to take command over your mind, start a f**king rebellion inside your body. Overthrow the tirant.

Peace and love


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## adaminlondon (Apr 23, 2011)

When i was in a relationship i used to feel exactly the same. Was with an amazing person who was very patient but i ended it simply because the relationship was driving me to have irrational thoughts to a point where thats ALL i could think about, OCD. It was unhealthy and it was f****** up so i decided to end it and it meant i lost a very important person in my life because of DP... I couldnt control my thoughts..

Anyway, nowadays i feel a bit incapable of being in a relationship and i havnt been in a proper one for 2 years, and i put it ALL down to DP. Its ruined my life.

Anyway, sometimes i take a concoction of herbal stuff that seems to help- 
Magnesium - helps relax you
B-complex - is said to help DP especially insotol
Fish oils - helps me think better

Try them and see if they make any difference.. I get mine from iherb.com and i use either dr best or jarrows formula or now foods brands they are the best. I hope this will make a difference because i know how much hell it is living in a daydream and being in a relationship at the same time.


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## Abraxas (Apr 23, 2011)

adaminlondon said:


> i know how much hell it is living in a daydream and being in a relationship at the same time.


Hey adam. I had something similar when I was DP, I thought i was living in a Dream. Then I thought, if this is a dream, and im the dreamer, all these people are see are just characters in my dream. That made relationships extremely difficult. because i did not genuienly considered them as sentient, conscious, independent-of-me, beings. But now I see that Dream and independent Beings are compatible. Solipsism is really dangerous while on DP. Try to give a thought to it, if it the case with you, otherwise ignore this message.

Peace
Abraxas


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