# High functioning DP/DR



## makingsensenow (May 23, 2008)

I very recently (days ago) figured out that I was not alone and that there is a label for what I've been experiencing (DP/DR/DA). I have wished for a very long time to connect with others like me.

I see a lot of good and things I can relate to in these other posts, but I haven't (so far) found a lot of posts that I would characterize as high-functioning (no disrespect intended - my experience just appears to be different because I've been able to carry on with some things that others could not - perhaps because my experience may not be chemical so much as trauma- and stress-related??). I am a successful businesswoman who has excelled in the workplace, while also managing my family, all while enduring an 18 month severe depression, DP/DR/DA. On the outside, no one knew, except for those who I confided in. I did close a lot of folks out, using my busy life as an excuse, and thus successfully limiting those who could see that in the evenings, when the kids were asleep, I would lose all strength and drink myself into muscle stupor and mental relaxation. I experienced DP/DR/DA CONSTANTLY and thought I was going insane (although somehow I knew I was actually sane but trapped in a f***ing crazy mental space), but I just managed through it until no one could see me breakdown in the my home and time alone. Then, and only then, could I let my mind run free - descending into the wish that I could actually cry, scream, yell (something, anything...) to get this awful ache of no feeling out. Not feeling was the most painful experience I ever endured. Sometimes I would lay my hand on the cold stone or wood of a table on my back deck and think that through contact with those things I might be able to stay connected to this world and this life. Although I am getting better, clawing my way out of this terrible place, even as recently as a week ago I was fighting the sensation that perhaps I was experiencing something like in those Matrix movies, where this was all just a fake existence tricking my mind.

I've never gone to therapy for this (my parents subjected me to way too much therapy and ridiculous treatments as a teenager, for "my issues" due to a family member molesting me) and I've refused to pursue any medication (I've never known someone to find long-lasting relief in mental meds for anxiety-related issues and I was way too afraid of what those chemicals might do). I just tried to survive. I had to for my kids, and because somehow I knew there was something wrong with me that I could find a way to understand, manage, and control. And somehow, as I've worked to rebuild a mental timeline of where I've had DA in my lifetime, the possibility of low-level or short burst of DR over the years, and what might have triggered/worsened the dark years of constant DR/DP, I've been clawing my way out.

Are you like me? Is there something I can learn from you or help you make sense of? I wouldn't mind having a little dialogue and finding others who have had experiences like me.


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## cyberafrica (Feb 14, 2008)

Hi

I truly believe this happens to "high functioning" individuals, which I suppose still needs to be defined. Maybe one of the definitions is that we are more "aware", as ignorance would be bliss! :wink:

Very much relate to your story, except I am a 40-something male, and have to function everyday in a professional career, but luckily do not have children, so I really take my hat off to you.

The only way I have managed to get through this, is to just "ride the storm", although some days I felt the world was coming to an end.

My DP/DR was induced by sever prolonged stress caused by a divorce, but I also had a small amount of pot, which caused a severe panic attack. Although ironically, I never used to do pot, it was unfortunate, as it was a weak moment, but I dont attribute having the pot as the absolute cause, but see it more like a "trigger".

I was suffering from depression at the time as well. Wish you well, and congrats on managing everything in your busy life! Hope you get better soon!


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## Eco (May 29, 2008)

Yes, I am like you - at least in some respects. I don't understand how I can go through the motions of my day without anyone noticing I am really not there. When I was younger I was afraid I was being set up in some kind of crude joke of the universe. I have children, a career in management and try to keep myself as busy as possible (being overworked as a result). I too was very relieved to find a name for this mental state and to let go of the thoughts of paranoia and fear of schizofrenia. I have felt unreal for as long as I can rember. I cannot remember feeling normal, so when I feel my mind "shifting gear" into something that could be normal mode, I become afraid and withdraw back into unreality. I too was subjected to molestation as a child. I saw a psychologist for this last year, but felt that she did'nt understand that the issues of molestation were not as big a problem as my feeling unreal. She insisted that I come to terms with my childhood and then everything else would fall into place. She put ideas in my head that I wish I could get rid of. I confronted my entire family, which was good but also did nothing for my DPD (Depersonalization Disorder). I have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on SSRI (antidepressants), which has helped me relax a little and sleep better, but has done nothing for my DPD. He has never heard of the condition, nor has he found anyone to refer me to. I recommend you read "Feeling Unreal" by Daphne Simeon. I also recommend SSRI instead of booze which I belive will only worsen your condition. I tried to go off the SSRI, but after a week I became so scared and the panic made me go back on them. I feel better now. I am currently seing a hypno-therapist who is helping me connect with my feelings. I have found that I actually have feelings only I won't recognize them.


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## makingsensenow (May 23, 2008)

cyberafrica said:


> Hi
> 
> I truly believe this happens to "high functioning" individuals, which I suppose still needs to be defined. Maybe one of the definitions is that we are more "aware", as ignorance would be bliss! :wink:
> 
> ...


Yes, I can relate to being very aware. I have had experiences of senses outside of the "normal five" over the years - usually demonstrated in precognition and high-levels of "intuition". I tend to be more "male" in my analytical sense, but more "female" in my intuitive sense. Thanks for the show of support on the kids - but I truly credit their existence to giving me a reason to fight on and become better - otherwise I may have separated from everyone and everything entirely.

I can relate to "riding the storm" - I just did what I did to get through things when I needed to. There were days I coached myself to just put one foot in front of the other and eventually I would do better. Part of my depression and DP/DR was related to marital stresses, a niece born addicted to meth and the subsequent custody debates (my spouse was not terribly supportive, even though it was his brother's child), and extraordinary career pressures. I don't relate to the substance trigger, but it seems to be a recurrent theme among those who have/are experienced/experiencing these disorders.

Thanks again for sharing and the supportive words. I don't share easily (I have a strong history of building emotional walls) but think there is value in this in an atmosphere of understanding and exploration. Perhaps we can all help each other in a world that we don't relate to well and that doesn't demonstrate a history of understanding these emergent disorders.


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## makingsensenow (May 23, 2008)

Eco said:


> Yes, I am like you - at least in some respects. I don't understand how I can go through the motions of my day without anyone noticing I am really not there. When I was younger I was afraid I was being set up in some kind of crude joke of the universe. I have children, a career in management and try to keep myself as busy as possible (being overworked as a result). I too was very relieved to find a name for this mental state and to let go of the thoughts of paranoia and fear of schizofrenia. I have felt unreal for as long as I can rember. I cannot remember feeling normal, so when I feel my mind "shifting gear" into something that could be normal mode, I become afraid and withdraw back into unreality. I too was subjected to molestation as a child. I saw a psychologist for this last year, but felt that she did'nt understand that the issues of molestation were not as big a problem as my feeling unreal. She insisted that I come to terms with my childhood and then everything else would fall into place. She put ideas in my head that I wish I could get rid of. I confronted my entire family, which was good but also did nothing for my DPD (Depersonalization Disorder). I have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on SSRI (antidepressants), which has helped me relax a little and sleep better, but has done nothing for my DPD. He has never heard of the condition, nor has he found anyone to refer me to. I recommend you read "Feeling Unreal" by Daphne Simeon. I also recommend SSRI instead of booze which I belive will only worsen your condition. I tried to go off the SSRI, but after a week I became so scared and the panic made me go back on them. I feel better now. I am currently seing a hypno-therapist who is helping me connect with my feelings. I have found that I actually have feelings only I won't recognize them.


For me, this experience has truly shed light on those who are in my life and give themselves to reach out and help, and those who find it too troublesome (many people "close" to me had no clue, whereas some of those not so close expressed repeated concern). My sister commented that it has been like an "alien" replaced her sister -- but yet I think she found this bothersome for my abilities to help her, rather than extending herself to help me -- perhaps this is my walls, but perhaps this is also indicative of why I've built them? I very much relate to overwork, although I found myself at a breaking point, and fortunately had a serendipitous opportunity to shift to a less demanding and more strategic role. I have felt normal, which makes this so much more excruciating. Although I will caveat the normalcy as being highly intuitive and not necessarily able to shield myself mentally and emotionally from others - I felt their emotions, but didn't feel mine so well - perhaps that's where the analytical piece really comes in.

My experience with psychologists has only clouded everything, as I was one of those folks they used regression therapy on, and that resulted in not knowing up from down and reality from imagined. I'm a skeptic about the field of psychology (I may be being a bit political here, but I don't think there are many folks who believe homosexuality is a disorder anymore yet it was established as such by the psychological community not really that long ago), despite having a long interest in it. I think it is just not as developed a field yet as I would wish it to be. I will avoid meds as much as possible, because they don't treat the underlying issues unless a person is truly chemically imbalanced (an oft-used term nowadays - and about as responsible as the physician who walks into your doctor appointment with a prescription pad in hand before seeing you, evaluating you, and diagnosing you).

Best of wishes - thanks for replying, and I'm happy to talk further.


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