# Here it goes...



## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I have posted here quite a few times, but I haven't had the courage to tell my story. This started for me a little over 2 months ago. I went to the Dr. because of headaches. In the past I have been misdiagnosed with blood clots in my head and psuedotumor cerebri, but that is a whole different mess that I won't get into. Anyways... the Dr. mentioned that maybe I had an anxiety disorder that was causing my headaches. I was extremely stressed out with school and other things in my life, so I was very vulnerable to what she said. Two days later I had my first ever panic attack. The really messed up part is that I was sitting there thinking, "anxiety disorder, great maybe I will start having panic attacks." I brought it on myself! How stupid is that. After that I couldn't stop thinking about the panic attacks. I went back to the Dr. and she gave me Zoloft. After I took it I got way way worse. My anxiety increased 10 fold and I couldn't hardly stand it. I started feeling disconnected and detached from myself, everyone, and everything around me. Of course I completely freaked out. Got off the Zoloft and took Xanax for a few weeks. Then depression hit me and I just wanted to die I felt so bad. Went to see a couple of therapist. 3 to be exact. They all told me that I was suffering from anxiety and depression, but none of them wanted to talk about the dp/dr I was expericing. Then I did the worst thing possible I started researching on the internet and I have convinced myself that I am going through the prodromal stage of schizophrenia, and it is only a matter of time before I completely lose it... I HATE the way this feels and if anyone has any suggestions I would be very grateful.


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## Da'Burgh (Apr 25, 2005)

Well I can assure you by how you post and talk about how weird these feelings are you're more than likely not "going schizo". Becoming schizophrenic isn't really something that you just say "Hey I'm feeling schizo today" like with your DP. I'm not an expert but maybe some others will help back me up on this one. Also theres a few topics on this subject on this forum around here.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Yeah.. I know you are probably right. I brought it up to three different therapists and my Dr and they actually laughed at me. Four professionals are telling me that it is ridiculous, but I can't stop the worry. Wish I could. Thanks


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## Da'Burgh (Apr 25, 2005)

Believe me, you have to trust them then. I got into this whole mess pretty much because I thought I was going to die because of a "weak heart". Obsessive worry about this was just unnecessary. I feel like a real jack-ass now 'cuz I figured out these chest pains were just due to anxiety. Hmm, don't I feel stupid.


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## Sunshine Spirit (Feb 22, 2005)

Hi Rainboteers!

Just a quickie, sorry...

I hope it might help you to know that most members on this forum have believed at some stage that they might be/or might turn into a Schizophrenic - *including me*. I was laughed at by my doctors, too.

Gotta dash, sorry!

Take care,

Sunshine


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## university girl (Aug 11, 2004)

Not to scare you all but my doc thinks my symptoms (which I've had for ten years and developed after smoking pot) point to a rare form of schizo. I am unsure whether I agree with her. You can see my symptoms listed on my website if you like. Some of my symptoms cleary fall outside of the DP/DR realm although the majority of them are DP and DR related.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

UniG,
My symptoms:
MAJOR anxiety and fear
moderate depression
very mild dr (things just look a little surreal)
moderate dp (I feel really disonnected from myself and others, the classic mirror thing, and I don't like hearing my voice, pretty much everything that is in Janine's description of dp)
lots of scary stupid "what if" thoughts
having trouble concentrating (I think this is because of anxiety)
social withdrawl (I think this is the depression and being around people reminds me that I don't feel like myself)
Just feel like I can't cope with anything
Irritable because I want to feel better
How much of this do you relate to?


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

one more major symptom. I cry and cry and cry anymore. Usually after I cry the dp/dr goes away for awhile and I feel a little better. Anyone with related symptoms? I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder and mild PTSD. Still scared it is something worse.... fear just takes me over. I think it is because I already dealt with a serious medical problem and now I fear I will have to deal with a serious mental problem.


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## university girl (Aug 11, 2004)

I can relate well to all of what you wrote but keep in mind i have other symptoms. For example, i used to experience perceived time lapses where i felt like minutes had gone by and i did not know what i was doing during that time. also, i used to wonder if people could hear my thoughts because i wasn't sure if i was speaking or only thinking (difficult one to explain). when i speak i feel like i am not speaking. also, i get overstimulated visually and with sounds very easily- too much going on. can't filter out unnecessary stimuli (classic schizo symptom i was told).


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I sometimes feel like I'm not speaking when I am as well (this usually only happens when I think about it.) I also get overly stimualted by sound but only when I am anxious. I can filter the sounds if I calm down. :shock: don't have the time lapse or feeling like others can hear my thoughts. I just don't know what to think. Is there any info on the net about this rare form?


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

ANY INFO?!?!

My therapist seemed to think this rare form was ridiculous. I just want to do the right thing no matter what is wrong with me!! Who cares what it is I just want to feel better.

Janine? anyone? Scared and want to be smart about this.

Also saw a psych that thought this rare form was silly too. AHHHH!

Freaking out, not because I am scared of schizo but because I want to get better.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

Hi Rain.
I relate to all your descriptions and have had them on and off since 4yrs old. I have yet to develop schizophrenia. Sounds like dp and panic. Schizophrenia has some very distinct symptoms which you have not mentioned. I came up with a counter thought to my schizo fear thoughts. It is "if im so worried about this then i don't think i have it as those who do are usually unaware that they getting it" Also the fact that you maintain a sense of reality tells me it is not schizophrenia(sorry if i spell it wrong!). But also wanted to add that i have a friend who has this condition and it is treatable! She is doing amazingly well and doctors said she had the most severe form of it they had ever seen. Hope that helps.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Thank you


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

Nah...you're not schizophrenic or going to be, I can tell.

You probably won't believe me, but I would literally bet a large sum of money on this point - you could claim it off me if you want lol.

Right now, because it's a bit of an obsession, you'll be "filtering" information to "convince yourself" that you've got it. I've been there. You'll look at one or two symptoms and freak yourself out over it. But you needn't do so.

Let's take several factors into the equation:

1. It's an unlikely possibility to start with.
2. You're aware that "something's up". Most schizophrenics are not.
3. You don't have hallucinations or delusions. You'll find that a number of schizophrenics have "once or twice" hallucinated earlier in life - perhaps in childhood - waaaay before they gpt the full-blown disorder. This isn't true for you.
4. You're entirely coherent and intelligent. You don't appear "crazy".
5. Your psychiatrist doesn't think you are believe me, they have a "feel" for these things. They'd know.

I could go on. But you get the picture. You're not schizophrenic. You probably never will be.

Now that you know this the hard bit's to convince yourself.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

yes...
you are proabably right because even my financee has told me, "Mecha (pronounced MEE long e, SHH like be quiet, a long A, lol my name sucks), you are reading the symptoms and convincing yourself you have them.

You people are so smart, don't think I would make it without ya.

Thanks, and you are in my thoughts always.

Monkeydust,
I tried to PM you but I am an idiot on computers, just wondering if you got my messages. If not let me know.


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

You're spot on.

Despite the fact that you don't want to be schizophrenic, it's like there's a "part of you" that's trying so hard to convince yourself that you are - almost to be "one step ahead" of what you might encounter.

I myself took this to extremes. For instance, I'd misspell a word while taking notes in class and freak out thinking "oh no...I'm losing cognitive ability...schizophrenia!"

Actually, reading that, I probably was insane lol.

One thing I will add is that you shouldn't go too far in trying to convince yourself that you are _not _ schizophrenic either. It won't work. As long as it's "on your mind" - even if you're saying to yourself "I'm not schizo, I'm not!" with conviction - it's gonna trouble you.

Whenever it comes into your mind just say to yourself "no" and move on. You _know_ you're not schizophrenic and you _know_ it's pointless worrying about it. So try to get it off your mind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't got the PM yet. It might just be taking longer than it should, but it's probably best off sending it again to be sure. Computers are annoying at the best of times.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

Monkeydust said:


> I'd misspell a word while taking notes in class and freak out thinking "oh no...I'm losing cognitive ability...schizophrenia!"


Lol. Isnt it amazing what an imagination our brains have!


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

A few months ago I would've read that and thought "hmmm...big imagination. Schizophrenics tend to have good imaginations. I must be a schizophrenic!!!"

Another one of my ridiculous thoughts was when I read that schizophrenics often have a preoccupation with philosophy before their "break". I assumed that my philosophical interest actually consituted schizophrenia.

It would be just my luck to actually go schizophrenic, however. Watch this space.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

lololololol. :lol: Please dont think im laughing at you, i am soo laughing with you!!


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

It would be just my luck to actually go schizophrenic, however. Watch this space.[/quote]

Oh No!! You are gonna freak me out all over again!!

LOL!!!!!!!


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

Lol.

I think I'll have the last laugh once I start rocking back-and-forth and laughing manically in my padded cell lol.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

Shit!! I'm rocking back and forth laughing manically in my lounge room! O wait...its your post. Your post has made my morning! Thankyou! :lol:


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I should really get some sleep.

See y'all at the asylum, people  .


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## Guest (May 14, 2005)

Hey! Don't make me separate the schizophrenics! There are ordinary dp neurotics in here trying to get some rest!!!

 :lol: :wink:


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

I think we'll be needing the shock treatment for this one, guys... :lol: :lol:


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## Monkeydust (Jan 12, 2005)

The thing that always made these threads worse for me, when I thought I was schizophrenic, was when I scrolled up to click back onto the main forum.

You *always* get a range of ads at the top saying such things as:

"Paranoid Schizophrenic? Try the Linden Method!"

or

"Antispychotic medication! Help hide your hallucinations and destroy your delusions!"

It's all google's fault again.


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## Da'Burgh (Apr 25, 2005)

Stop scrolling to the top and press the 'GO' button at the selection bar (whatever it's called) or the link at the bottom. Saves ya some time.


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

My favorite ad was:

"Feel homicidal? Feel like killing someone? Call 1-800-555-9876 for help"


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

Yes! How can I not be scared of stuff like this (I copied and pasted it):

The views of American psychiatrists are quoted by Bellak (1958), who states that the diagnosis of schizophrenia is essentially phenomenological, based on the degree of disturbance of ego functions and also on the pathological nature of the defences appearing in the disease. According to Bellak, the concept of the ego is best understood by reference to its functions, which include the individual?s relation to reality, drive regulation, object relationships, thought processes, defences, autonomous functions, and synthetic functions. With this ego-psychological approach, Bellak describes the "borderline" schizophrenic as an individual whose thinking, affective control, perceptual reliability and object relationships are weakened, but who does not show signs of deterioration. Bellak goes on to say, "If this same picture of dubious functioning is present, but accompanied by signs of increasing lability of mood, progressive inability of impulse control, increasing emergence of the primary processes and increasing crumbling of the defences, with deja vu experiences, feelings of unreality, impaired sleeping, impaired appetite and a rising anxiety level, then we are dealing with incipient schizophrenia, and steps might be taken to avoid its further progress".

UGGGGG!!! This sucks so bad!!! What do you do?


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

rainboteers,

We have severly devil'fied schizophrenia here - that is interesting to me, but we have. I have done it, and it seems that this board has become, especially as of late, the fear-of-schizophrenia board.

Yes, it's possible that any one of us could be developing the disorder, and given the criteria you laid out - with feelings of deja vu, heightened anxiety, eating disorders and sleep disorders, it's possible that almost everyone I have met - at some point in their life - could have been seen as someone who was heading towards the disorder.

I think I have a feeling for another thread coming on.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

EXACTLY!! 
That is the prodromal syptoms that are all over the web. With that kind of thinking we all have schizo.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

I think what you might have been saying (correct me if I am wrong), is that we are scared of this disorder becaue of what we imagine it to be like.

In reality it is probably not as bad as we suspect it to be, but we see it as the end....


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

Yes rainboteers, that's exactly my point.


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