# Guilt, depression, anger



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I feel guilty every day because I'm in such a shit mood. I feel like a terrible mom, my 7-yr old gets on my nerves and I just feel trapped and frustrated. I always tell him off for something, I'm always grumpy.

I also feel scared and have an upset stomach every waking minute from fear my partner will leave me. I'm a shit girlfriend. Whenever I'm talking to him, dp always seem to come up, and sometimes I can hear myself sort of blaming him. He's a perfectionist and I've always felt like I've messed things up when I'm around him. He gives me the feeling I'm no good at all, but I know it's not really ME, it's some control issue he has. Still, it's made me tip-toe around him for years, and a part of me thinks this might have contributed to the state I'm in. I love him, I fear losing him, but I keep telling him he makes me nervous, and I know I'm pushing him away. I can't even check my phone right now, as I'm sure he's dumped me because of a talk we had earlier today. Why can't I keep my mouth shut?? He's probably waiting to after christmas to leave, I feel sick thinking about it. My life is a nightmare!

I'm so depressed I'm not getting better. Who am I? Did I really have a normal life before? Am I trapped in dp forever? Will I die like this, never having felt what it's like to hold my youngest son without dp?

I'm so tired. I need this to go away!


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

And now I'm a "senior" DP-selfhelp member.. THANKS!


----------



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hugs


----------



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Girlfriend, seriously, I wish you would email me because our lives seem to be running a constant parallel.

I will tell you the one good lesson that I learned through 7 1/2 years of being in a relationship for the "love" and "security" even though I was miserable, any of those things that you feel are wrong with you are really just you making excuses for how he hurts you. Now I don't mean to be attacking you here but I do know, because I have been there, that your self esteem has been eroded away so much that you will see yourself as he sees you, sad and broken and worthless. You will start to go "ok, you know what, he is right. I am this mess" and then you probably try really hard to change to make him happy, make him love you, make him stay. The thing of it is that the entire issue is him, not you. You are a beautiful, wonderful person and you should never feel guilty for not living up to someone else's standards. They are not the standards you have set for youself. If who you are in your worst state is not enough for a person than they don't deserve the honor of being part of your life. You are a treasure and it is not worth your time or your energy to invest in someone who sees you as anything less.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. I spent the last year being terrified of leave my ex. I felt so screwed up and helpless from the dp. But it was the utter terror of being completely dependent on him that gave me the strength to start crawling out of the pit I was in. Yes, I just posted having a hard day and no lie, it is hard but now I am single, have my own home, and have a job to support myself. I do not rely on anyone else for anything and as hard as it is to maintain a "normal" life, it's worth it's weight in gold to be free of that abusive dependent cycle. I really wish there was some way that I could help you, Just know I'm here if you ever need to talk.

I will leave you with a saying that has become my mantra lately. I hope you take it as your own. "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs".


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Thank you, you've given me a lot to think about. I'm going through some bad days right now, I don't know how I get myself out of bed every morning. I'm wondering if the day will come when I just can't move when my alarm goes off. When I'm just done with it all and everything breaks down. Feels like it might be soon. 
I really admire you for having a job, I'm way too scared to even try. I think everything would be better if I _did_ have a job, but I feel so broken.
I feel like a thing pretending to be human. Like I'm a parasite. Like I could go outside and suddenly my suit would fall off and everyone could see that I'm really a giant, slimy slug.

I have a vivid memory of me being pregnant, in Holland, feeling normal, with my best friend, away from my boyfriend. I find myself wondering why I felt so good then, and so like the real me, even more like me than I normally feel when I'm not dp'd. I don't want to know the answer, though I know what it is deep down. If I could just snap out of this dream so I would know for sure what to do.


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

york said:


> And now I'm a "senior" DP-selfhelp member.. THANKS!


It is always best that an expert has personal experience! Your input is valued.


----------



## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Don't take it out on your kids. If you do please apologise to them and explain why you are behaving in the way you are.

Children take everything personally. If you don't level with them then you will be causing them lasting psychological damage.


----------



## Zee Deveel (Aug 3, 2009)

never_giving_up said:


> Don't take it out on your kids. If you do please apologise to them and explain why you are behaving in the way you are.
> 
> Children take everything personally. If you don't level with them then you will be causing them lasting psychological damage.


No offense man, but I don't think a 7 year old is really going to grasp the concept.


----------



## shanecleark (Dec 20, 2010)

I feel so guilt when i am not able to complete my work given to me or dicided by me to do.I have take participate in the 800 meter race in my school and i came last in front of 600 people and i feel so guilt and frustrated on myself.I am getting in anger when know one listen me.The guilt,depression,anger are bad for the health.


----------



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Zee Deveel said:


> No offense man, but I don't think a 7 year old is really going to grasp the concept.


I'm not going to tell him anything about anxiety, my mom always talked about it when I was growing up and I know that's really the worst you can EVER do. I'll blame it on anything but this! And just to clarify; I'm grumpy, I'm tired more than I'd like to be, I'm not being mean to him. It's just that we used to be so close, and I feel like I'm not the mom I want to be.


----------

