# Is there even hope for me?



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

I truly feel like what I experience isnt DP. I mean in the beginning yeah it felt like dp. It all started with me feeling weird and light headed/dizzy, disconnected from my surroundings, having a "film" over my eyes.

Im at a point where I feel like I dissociated from dissociation. Like I dont have the drunk/high/spacey feeling. Im MORE than just disconnected from myself & surroundings. Like idk what it feels like to be connected to anything. I feel like I currently dont exist and never existed. I have no past or future. I dont remember like 98% of my past. The things I am able to picture in my mind from my past feels like it wasnt me, never happened and feels like Im not actually remembering anything. Im uncomfortable 24/7. But I cant even feel it. I have no opinion or interest in anything at all. Nothing feels familiar. I feel like I've lost sense of the world, like I cant comprehend anything at all. I cant retain almost any information. I dont really remember at all what its like to feel human or real or anything like that. U have the blankest mind ever, all Im cpaable to thinking is how Im "feeling" even though I cant feel.

Is this normal for dissociation? Im scared that I will never feel like I did before. It seriously seems impossible right now. Even if I got to feel half real again it would be the biggest miracle ever. I dont remember what having a life is like.

My emotions are so destroyed that I dont feel anything to being like this. But at the same time Im so concerned and worried.


----------



## PrinceLunar72 (Jul 16, 2016)

I'm in a similar way as well. I just don't feel human anymore.


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

PrinceLunar72 said:


> I'm in a similar way as well. I just don't feel human anymore.


Do you think theres any hope we can get better?


----------



## PrinceLunar72 (Jul 16, 2016)

I don't know. All I can say is to look through some of the more popular recovery stories in the recovery section, try to follow their advice and hope for the best. Me personally haven't had much luck but just because I am lost doesnt mean you neccessarily are too.


----------



## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

I am exactly the same. And thought i was the only one that felt that bad as u described. I cant even imagine 1% quality of life


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

alnadine20 said:


> I am exactly the same. And thought i was the only one that felt that bad as u described. I cant even imagine 1% quality of life


As hopeless as I feel, and I cant imagine 1% quality of life either. There has to be a way for us to get better. We cant be this way forever. I always think that there has to be someone out there that has felt as bad as we do and recovered


----------



## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

I am literally not alive. I have no identity. My soul and conciousness have been gone going on 4 years. How is something this teribble existing and tberes no cure? Ppl think cancer is bad? Id take cancer 10 times over this. to not be a living dead person id take anything over this. Death and this condition have no differences. I cant believe something this horrific happened to me. Every second that i have it is hell and every second i have it i know no human being should ever have to go through something this bad.


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

alnadine20 said:


> I am literally not alive. I have no identity. My soul and conciousness have been gone going on 4 years. How is something this teribble existing and tberes no cure? Ppl think cancer is bad? Id take cancer 10 times over this. to not be a living dead person id take anything over this. Death and this condition have no differences. I cant believe something this horrific happened to me. Every second that i have it is hell and every second i have it i know no human being should ever have to go through something this bad.


I feel exactly the same as you
Ive only been feeling like this for 6 months . But the first few werent as bad. You've had it way longer than me, byt almost 4 years!! You've made it this far already. This truly does suck. I have no once of identity or self or anything in me either. There has to be some way out of this.


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

alnadine20 said:


> I am literally not alive. I have no identity. My soul and conciousness have been gone going on 4 years. How is something this teribble existing and tberes no cure? Ppl think cancer is bad? Id take cancer 10 times over this. to not be a living dead person id take anything over this. Death and this condition have no differences. I cant believe something this horrific happened to me. Every second that i have it is hell and every second i have it i know no human being should ever have to go through something this bad.


Also , do you ever wake up feeling anxious or panicked because of how you feel? Waking up is the worst for me because I know what the rest of my day is going to be like. Hell.


----------



## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

I cant even get anxious or panicked if i wanted to. Im void of all feelings. I dont even remmeber what a feeling is. Someone can die in front of me and i woildnt react not to sound harsh but thats how extreme it is


----------



## EricFassbender (Dec 2, 2016)

feeling the same way


----------



## EricFassbender (Dec 2, 2016)

You're taking medication the author ?


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

EricFassbender said:


> You're taking medication the author ?


No Im not taking medication, it will be my very last resort


----------



## EmmaBo (Aug 31, 2016)

Heather414 said:


> I always think that there has to be someone out there that has felt as bad as we do and recovered


I have felt as bad as you do (twice) and recovered 100% (twice). I am back there now (zero) but that's because life is dynamic, not static. Everything is always changing. Feeling 'stuck' is a symptom. Strive not to panic about it. (I know how hard it is.)


----------



## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

I'd actually say that this is normal when it comes to DP. As sad as that statement is. I certanly have been the same for the longest time...


----------



## dreamedm (Feb 1, 2015)

EmmaBo said:


> I have felt as bad as you do (twice) and recovered 100% (twice). I am back there now (zero) but that's because life is dynamic, not static. Everything is always changing. Feeling 'stuck' is a symptom. Strive not to panic about it. (I know how hard it is.)


Did you have the blank mind (and recovered from it)? With the blank mind come a host of other devastating symptoms like flat affect, total disconnection from others and self, and no stimulation or emotions in the brain. Did you have this too and recovered from it?


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

EmmaBo said:


> I have felt as bad as you do (twice) and recovered 100% (twice). I am back there now (zero) but that's because life is dynamic, not static. Everything is always changing. Feeling 'stuck' is a symptom. Strive not to panic about it. (I know how hard it is.)


I just cant imagine how I can recover. I have no visual or physical symptoms. Mines mostly mental I guess. I will get neck/head pain. Im scared I permanently did something to my brain from stressing so much. Did you also have memory issues? I can barely remember my past or what its like to feel "ok".


----------



## EmmaBo (Aug 31, 2016)

Heather414 said:


> I just cant imagine how I can recover. I have no visual or physical symptoms. Mines mostly mental I guess. I will get neck/head pain. Im scared I permanently did something to my brain from stressing so much. Did you also have memory issues? I can barely remember my past or what its like to feel "ok".


The fact that you can't imagine it is part of the paradox of the whole thing. It's state-specific memory, so you can't imagine not having DP when you have DP and when you recover you can't imagine/remember what DP is like. Don't worry about the fact that you can't imagine it. Visual or physical symptoms have never affected me. All my symptoms are mental when I have DP. Memories didn't feel like my own. I feel soulless, ghost-like, no emotions and total detachment. Devastating, yes. But it's all reversible. Nothing is dead/gone/permanent. It just feels that way. You have to ride the wave.


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

EmmaBo said:


> The fact that you can't imagine it is part of the paradox of the whole thing. It's state-specific memory, so you can't imagine not having DP when you have DP and when you recover you can't imagine/remember what DP is like. Don't worry about the fact that you can't imagine it. Visual or physical symptoms have never affected me. All my symptoms are mental when I have DP. Memories didn't feel like my own. I feel soulless, ghost-like, no emotions and total detachment. Devastating, yes. But it's all reversible. Nothing is dead/gone/permanent. It just feels that way. You have to ride the wave.


Thank you, thats all reassuring. I just get scared that Im stuck like this forever . I can't connect to anything at all. I have no self at all. I'm always uncomfortable because of how detatched I feel. It feels like nothing is actually happening around me. Like I see things and feel them but it feels like my eyes dont actually "see" whats going on. Im not able to actually experience anything. Is this still normal for DP? I've had dp before a couple years ago but it only lasted a month or two and that time I had the high/drunk feeling but it went away. This time its SOOO different. I shouldnt worry about my memory either? Nothing has meaning to me at all. Like i know facts about myself or myself from before this all happened, like I knownI have a boyfriend, or I went to this school or I used to love playing this videogame. But that all means absolutely nothing to me. This still normal for dp? Sorry for asking so many questions, Ive just been having a lot of doubt lately and Im really scared. Im not able to do much because of this.


----------



## EmmaBo (Aug 31, 2016)

Heather414 said:


> Thank you, thats all reassuring. I just get scared that Im stuck like this forever . I can't connect to anything at all. I have no self at all. I'm always uncomfortable because of how detatched I feel. It feels like nothing is actually happening around me. Like I see things and feel them but it feels like my eyes dont actually "see" whats going on. Im not able to actually experience anything. Is this still normal for DP? I've had dp before a couple years ago but it only lasted a month or two and that time I had the high/drunk feeling but it went away. This time its SOOO different. I shouldnt worry about my memory either? Nothing has meaning to me at all. Like i know facts about myself or myself from before this all happened, like I knownI have a boyfriend, or I went to this school or I used to love playing this videogame. But that all means absolutely nothing to me. This still normal for dp? Sorry for asking so many questions, Ive just been having a lot of doubt lately and Im really scared. Im not able to do much because of this.


Hey Heather. You are welcome. Yes, it's a crazy thing to go through. I get scared I'm stuck, but I KNOW that the fear is just a symptom so I just tell myself (repeatedly) that feelings aren't facts, which is true. They aren't. Feelings really do lie. It's a headf**k. Disconnection/no self = completely and utterly normal for DP. Not being able to actually experience anything = classic, textbook symptom. Memory issues = normal, normal, normal. It's also normal to doubt, and normal to be scared. You are normal, you just have DP (at the moment). And you can do more than you think you can. Take it slowly, but build your confidence up and restore your sense of hope, because that it the greatest thing you have in your toolkit against this thing. Try to stop worrying; try to stop fearing (so much). Be patient. Be strong!


----------



## dreamedm (Feb 1, 2015)

Emma, did you have blank mind (no inner monologue) with your DP? Like a constant state of nothingness?

Also, any tips on how to recover?


----------



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I have it the same. Dead. Completely gone. I have dealt with DP for 8 years off and on. This episode for two years.

My depression is getting so bad from it. I feel so weak like I can't even go on!


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I have it the same. Dead. Completely gone. I have dealt with DP for 8 years off and on. This episode for two years.
> 
> My depression is getting so bad from it. I feel so weak like I can't even go on!


Ive had mine for about 6 months, but only in this unbearable state for a month or two. I literally cant do almost anything besides eating and showering. Do you have a lot of problems with memory?


----------



## dreamedm (Feb 1, 2015)

Blank mind dp is truly unbearable. When I had this with racing/fighting thoughts, I at least still had a drive and a sense of "self." Now I even have problems showering..like my dad has to remind me to do it. What a mess.


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

dreamedm said:


> Blank mind dp is truly unbearable. When I had this with racing/fighting thoughts, I at least still had a drive and a sense of "self." Now I even have problems showering..like my dad has to remind me to do it. What a mess.


Im the same way :/ I truly hate showering. I wonder if the blank mind also has a lot to do with memory. I am truly incapable of doing pretty much anything.


----------



## RedSky (Jan 11, 2017)

Heather414 said:


> No Im not taking medication, it will be my very last resort


 Medication made my DP so much worse but some people say that it helps... I would try new things, new things you wouldn't normally do and try to eat healthy and exercise.


----------



## devin44 (Nov 19, 2014)

dreamedm said:


> Blank mind dp is truly unbearable. When I had this with racing/fighting thoughts, I at least still had a drive and a sense of "self." Now I even have problems showering..like my dad has to remind me to do it. What a mess.


Dude this is me entirely. Hold on, we'll get somewhere like our old selves eventually. Who knows how, but it could happen.


----------



## dreamedm (Feb 1, 2015)

Heather414 said:


> Im the same way :/ I truly hate showering. I wonder if the blank mind also has a lot to do with memory. I am truly incapable of doing pretty much anything.


The blank mind definitely impairs my short-term memory. I also feel pretty incapacitated, since it also kills my drive and motivation. I still manage to go to work, which luckily isn't too taxing. I try to do a bit of yoga, as well, but it's really hard to push myself to do it. I'm not even sure if it helps, I only do like 4 or 5 exercises. Other than that, I'm pretty much laying in the same position on my couch all day doing nothing but refreshing this forum and a few other pages. So sad...


----------



## Hellome (Sep 29, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I have it the same. Dead. Completely gone. I have dealt with DP for 8 years off and on. This episode for two years.
> 
> My depression is getting so bad from it. I feel so weak like I can't even go on!


Can I ask you, did you feel this way and then snap out out of it in previous episodes?


----------



## dreamedm (Feb 1, 2015)




----------



## Mattakriptic (Feb 25, 2017)

Holy crap, I actually thought I was the only person on this earth who has been going through this.. at least I know I'm not the only one, doesn't necessarily make it "Better" though :/


----------



## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

i just logged on here to search the forum and didn't expect to open this thread but there you go. yes, i am sadly the same way. i am absolteyl in the pit of heel right now, suffering. how did this happen to me? what did i do to myself and my life? suicidal lol. virtually every second. and its painful writing this because I am TOO AWARE!

anyone else feeling that way? i can't even compartmentalise or suppress anything. that's probably not healthy, but before, i used to have a vastly rich inner world and that has gone completely.

i can feel and sesne a huge presence of pain inside me. pain that i do not know what to do anything about. if somebody ever wants to talk over skype i would be grateful for that. i feel pain and quetioning myself. was i so stupid that i messed my life up to this point? what on earth is happening? have i given myself brain damage etc

what is very distressing is that severe cognitive difficulties and slow processing power, and also the total lack of drive/forward ambition/what to do with my life and so on. my vision kieeps undergoing shifts as well, making it super hard to concentrate and focus.

this is all very hard and i want a time machine!

how do i move on from here??


----------



## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

not to knock anyone's beliefs out here, but i don't like really looking at this DP as a spritiual or soul matter. i just wanted to share that - it gives me more hope that way.

if i ask myself why do i not want to do anything, the answer i get is because everything i was doing led into where i am now. that is not fully accurate though, i need to remind myself that i can do things again but differently.


----------



## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

dreamedm said:


> The blank mind definitely impairs my short-term memory. I also feel pretty incapacitated, since it also kills my drive and motivation. I still manage to go to work, which luckily isn't too taxing. I try to do a bit of yoga, as well, but it's really hard to push myself to do it. I'm not even sure if it helps, I only do like 4 or 5 exercises. Other than that, I'm pretty much laying in the same position on my couch all day doing nothing but refreshing this forum and a few other pages. So sad...


You might not directly notice the effects, but it definetly helps! Your blank mind likely won't let you feel much of a difference, but i assure you it does!


----------



## Heather414 (Oct 2, 2016)

Bumping this because this is exactly how I feel again. BUT WORSE.Its weird I feel, well I should say DON'T feel because I have absolutely no connection to myself or surroundings. But I feel worse than I did before when I had this. It's like I'm completely brain dead and have no connection to my past/present/future. It feels like I've never existed before. This was brought on by the sudden death of my boy friend about a month ago now. Anyone else? Anyone recovered from this? It's weird asking that question as I have recovered before but I truly feel stuck on this feeling/state of mind forever. Ugh I'm sick of this sh*t. !!! Is this DP/DR? Or just dissociated in general?


----------



## Cedric (Jan 10, 2020)

Heather414 said:


> Bumping this because this is exactly how I feel again. BUT WORSE.Its weird I feel, well I should say DON'T feel because I have absolutely no connection to myself or surroundings. But I feel worse than I did before when I had this. It's like I'm completely brain dead and have no connection to my past/present/future. It feels like I've never existed before. This was brought on by the sudden death of my boy friend about a month ago now. Anyone else? Anyone recovered from this? It's weird asking that question as I have recovered before but I truly feel stuck on this feeling/state of mind forever. Ugh I'm sick of this sh*t. !!! Is this DP/DR? Or just dissociated in general?


Hey,

I'm very sorry to hear about your boyfriend, these horrible and stressful situations are the reason DPDR exists unfortunately: to protect you.

You will recover like before, but for now you just have to survive. Work through the grief and fear and you'll get back to being you.

Good luck!


----------

