# I just went to a psychologist about my DP/DR and this is what happened



## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

Hi, all. So, I'm still relatively new to this forum. I've only posted twice here, but I have been dealing with DP/DR for about a year and a half now with a slight break in between. Last year (2016), I was under a lot of stress and one day, almost like a light switch effect, I began dealing with violent intrusive thoughts (also known in the OCD world as harm-o) and DP/DR along with it. I began taking a supplement known as inositol in September 2016 and it made my issues roughly 80% better. It was almost like a miracle.

About three or four months ago, I don't know if my body built up a tolerance to the inositol or due to other life-related stressful events, the DP/DR came back...STRONG. This time, I'm not entirely focused on the violent intrusive thoughts, but more focused on the DP/DR.

Some of my symptoms include:

-feeling unreal and dream-like throughout the day.

-not recognizing people around me despite the fact that I know who they are; they just look off, weird and foreign.

-feeling like I'm going crazy or will lose control if the DP/DR gets too bad.

-feeling spaced out, zoned out and disconnected.

-feeling totally disconnected from my body...like my mind and body are two separate things.

-having existential thoughts of any and all kinds, such as: "why do people look the way they do?" "what governs us being human and animals being animals?" "why does this or that exist?" "what's the point of this or that?" "how does the human brain work and differ from other animals' brains?" "is everything around me a figment of my imagination?" "am i even a real human being?" "why am I human?" "isn't it strange that our brains are what govern our realities"....strange, crazy, weird thoughts like this that bring about a LOT of anxiety and sometimes panic attacks...which fuel the DP/DR.

-talking and not recognizing my own voice and then questioning if I really am who I am and how do I even have the ability to talk in this state?

-being afraid of passing out or dissociating to the point I don't know who or where I am.

-being afraid that I'll feel so disconnected that I forget to do things like take care of myself, take care of my daughter, get dressed, use the bathroom, etc.

-having triggers: being alone too long, dull lighting, being in a crowded store or restaurant, looking people in the eyes, etc.

-never being able to relax or connect to anything around me because derealization/depersonalization is a total bitch.

-wondering if my memories are even my own. did that happen? and did it happen to me? how can i be sure? memories are such weird things anyway...

-being anxious over time. how it's a fleeting thing and it's crazy to be scared about the freaking time..like..come on now.

-Brain: hey, the DP/DR isn't enough for you to deal with right now...here's a violent intrusive thought again! thought they were gone, didn't you?

(as a side note...are all of these things normal in the DP/DR world?...sometimes I question if it's not DP/DR and I'm just nuts)

I am a 30 year old housewife and mom. I do truly believe a lot of my issues stem from being alone with a toddler too often and for too long periods of time, but it doesn't change the fact that I want and need to go back to normal. If not for anything else but the sake of my daughter. I made an appointment with my doctor about three weeks ago and was put on an anti-anxiety medication that doesn't seem to be working at all. Yes, I've only been on it for 3 weeks, but the only thing it does is make me severely dizzy for a half hour after taking it...which sometimes triggers DP/DR for me and/or makes it worse.

I asked the doctor to check my hormones because 1) I'm a new mom and 2) someone suggested to me that my issues could also stem from a hormonal imbalance. My doctor basically, being nice about it, refused to check my hormones. He said he didn't feel it was hormone-based and that he was recommending a psychologist for psychotherapy. Okay...whatever...

So, this morning was my first appointment. I have never been to see a psychologist before in my life because, honestly, I've never needed to. Sure, I've had anxiety in the past, or bouts of depression or been pissed/overly emotional, but I always got over it. It was either due to a bad day or just dealing with stress. There was never a time in my life when I said "I need professional mental help NOW". Until now.

So, I pulled into the psychologist's office driveway and walked up. The woman was very nice, very polite. I sat down and immediately started crying because.., well, DP/DR is a bitch, you guys know. It affects every single area of your life and sometimes the only thing you can do is cry...a lot.

I started to tell her what was wrong with me and this is basically how my appointment went (of course, this is just a quick summary of it how I remember it)

Me: So, I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. It has a lot to do with the fact that I feel very unreal, almost dream-like..like everything around me is a dream. I also feel very disconnected from myself and other people. Sometimes, I'll look at someone...like my husband or daughter...and it's almost like I don't recognize them. Like..yes, I know who they are, but they just look a bit "off"...like foreign or strange.

Doctor: ......stares at me......looks puzzled....

Me: Umm....it's just very scary. I get these weird thoughts, like the one day I had a thought that oh my God, what if everything around me is a figment of my imagination. And it triggered a panic attack. I'm just looking for a way to stop feeling so disconnected to everything and everyone around me.

Doctor: Hmm....you know, I just mention this because I had a patient recently who told me about similar issues. They felt dreamy and unreal and they didn't know who they were or anyone around them. They went to get testing done and he actually had short-term amnesia, it might be something that you should think about asking your doctor.

Me: ohh.....well, it's not that I don't know who everyone is...like I know the date, I know my husband, I know who I am, I know who the president is...I just get bouts where people I know and love look totally off and different and it leaves me feeling confused and disconnected.

Doctor: okay, it was just a suggestion.

Me: I also used to get weird thoughts where I'd be afraid to lose control or go crazy and hurt people around me. It got to the point I couldn't be around sharp objects and I can't watch horror movies or shows with violence.

Doctor: Well, for that, it could be repressed emotions. When you don't express your emotions enough, all of that pent-up emotion starts whirling around in the brain.

Me: ohh....*remembering back to every single article or book I've ever read on harm OCD and violent intrusive thoughts explaining that these thoughts happen and cycle because we put so much focus on them and try so hard not to think about them; not that they have anything to do with pent-up emotions and not that they come from a desire to actually act on them*......

Me: I personally think that my issues are due in part to being alone a lot and obsessing over the way I feel, perceive things and think.

Doctor: yes, now that you mention it, it probably is because of that. During your next appointment, we'll work on your deep breathing (me thinking: already tried that...) and ways to divert your attention and focus.

*end session*

--------------------------------------------

I got the feeling that she has never heard or dealt with DP/DR in her career, even though she has been practicing for 30+ years. There were points I was talking to her that she was almost looking at me like I had two heads. Before I left, she suggested again that I go for neurological testing to rule out any other possible issues, which kinda actually scared the hell out of me because one of my fears is "Oh my god, there is something neurologically wrong with me".

Has anyone ever been to a psychologist for their DP/DR? What was your experience?

I made another appointment with this particular doctor only because she is literally the only one who didn't have a 5+ month long waiting list in my rural area, but I am getting the feeling that it's not going to be much help. It's highly disappointing because I always thought that seeing a professional, a head doctor if you will, would be the last resort...what would really help me despite how uncomfortable it is to see "that" type of doctor. I'd have someone who could look at me and say "You have DP/DR, anxiety and so-and-so problem and don't worry, I can and will help you." But instead, I was looked at like she had never heard someone with my problems ever before in her life. Is DP/DR that rare that even psychologists who specialize in mental health issues have never heard of it?

Thanks for reading my post, guys!


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Your story is all too common....Most therapists havent a bulls notion what DP is let alone how to treat it...

Dont want to scare you here but over the years (ive had DP for number of years now) ive seen various therapists and they all gave me that exact same puzzled look your talking about....

I NEVER got any help whatsoever from therapists as regards treating my DP but yet they had me going back week after week.....Lets just say it was a costly waste of time and money with all of them...

In the end I gave up on therapy completely...

Luckily my DP is under control with the aid of medicine...Im not saying that you should turn to medicine but if all else fails like exercise, diet etc etc medicine becomes the last resort....Unfortunately with medicine for DP it can be trial and error...Simply because everybody responds differently to different psychiatric medicines...What works for some does nothing for others and insome cases may even make them worse...

Im so sorry your going through this but just know that it does get better...sometimes through lifestyle changes, sometimes on its own and sometimes with the help of meds....Honestly meds are a last resort when all else has failed and it gets to a stage where you simply cant function anymore as a result of your DP...

It does get better though...So dont think for one second you are doomed...Its just trial and error as to what works


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

kittenkerfuffle said:


> Hi, all. So, I'm still relatively new to this forum. I've only posted twice here, but I have been dealing with DP/DR for about a year and a half now with a slight break in between. Last year (2016), I was under a lot of stress and one day, almost like a light switch effect, I began dealing with violent intrusive thoughts (also known in the OCD world as harm-o) and DP/DR along with it. I began taking a supplement known as inositol in September 2016 and it made my issues roughly 80% better. It was almost like a miracle.
> 
> About three or four months ago, I don't know if my body built up a tolerance to the inositol or due to other life-related stressful events, the DP/DR came back...STRONG. This time, I'm not entirely focused on the violent intrusive thoughts, but more focused on the DP/DR.
> 
> ...


I have been to a phycologist for this hell and he wasted my time. Went to him for 4 months and all I did was talk and he listen and then eventually dumped me. Told me to go to someone that specialize in anxiety. He knew nothing about Dp/dr and always kept changing the name to "day dreaming" he was a damn weirdo. Didn't give me techniques or anything. I been dealing with this for almost 7 months now and it's hell. I have kids too. Thank God I am able to do everything for them and they don't even know something is wrong but mentally I feel like pure shit. Stupid dream intense vision, stupid hyper awareness to existence and everything, questioning reality, thinking I'm dead,in a coma, or in a dream all day for 7 months now. And those stupid dissociative attacks I fight off every single day. It's horrific. Right now I am taking Effexor and it's been 20 days of that and it hasn't done anything. I'm going on my 3rd psychiatrist in just 6 months because they all seem to not know anything and I'm praying this new one knows something.


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

eddy1886 said:


> Your story is all too common....Most therapists havent a bulls notion what DP is let alone how to treat it...
> 
> Dont want to scare you here but over the years (ive had DP for number of years now) ive seen various therapists and they all gave me that exact same puzzled look your talking about....
> 
> ...


Thanks! I currently am on buspirone. My doctor prescribed it to me about three weeks ago. Can't say it's helping any other than making me feel intensely dizzy for about a half hour after taking it (which sometimes triggers or makes my DP/DR worse).

I was definitely getting the feeling that the psychologist had no idea what I was talking about. She truly looked puzzled. Like...I got the feeling that she's going to be cracking open her psych books tonight trying to figure out what the hell I'm all about. It's sad that all of us, the majority not having any type of training, know more about DP/DR than people who spent years in school specifically for mental health training. It is also disheartening because I thought seeing a psychologist was my last resort...like, yeah, it's uncomfortable to see "that" type of doctor, but I'll finally get the help I need. I got the feeling that despite going for weeks, I'll probably walk away either more confused or not helped at all.

I am so happy for you that your DP is under control! I was able to get mine under control a year ago using a supplement known as inositol (it's a b-vitamin powder form supplement). I'd buy the shit in bulk haha it worked so good. Then, it just totally stopped working. Part of me wonders if I should go back to it? I haven't taken it for a month, so if I did build a tolerance to it, it'd be out of my system by now right?

I dealt with DP/DR along with violent intrusive thoughts back when I was a teenager. It was a brutal 5 months...never thought I'd get through it. And the only thing that got rid of it totally was working a fast-paced job several days a week (prep cook in busy diner) and then starting college and totally immersing myself in my studies. Never dealt with that horror again....until last year. It came back...and it was and still is due to me being cooped in the house all day bored crapless.

Thanks again for your reply


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

HopingCat36 said:


> I have been to a phycologist for this hell and he wasted my time. Went to him for 4 months and all I did was talk and he listen and then eventually dumped me. Told me to go to someone that specialize in anxiety. He knew nothing about Dp/dr and always kept changing the name to "day dreaming" he was a damn weirdo. Didn't give me techniques or anything. I been dealing with this for almost 7 months now and it's hell. I have kids too. Thank God I am able to do everything for them and they don't even know something is wrong but mentally I feel like pure shit. Stupid dream intense vision, stupid hyper awareness to existence and everything, questioning reality, thinking I'm dead,in a coma, or in a dream all day for 7 months now. And those stupid dissociative attacks I fight off every single day. It's horrific. Right now I am taking Effexor and it's been 20 days of that and it hasn't done anything. I'm going on my 3rd psychiatrist in just 6 months because they all seem to not know anything and I'm praying this new one knows something.


Day dreaming? What the heck? I've day dreamed before and this is nothing like it...at all. It truly is hell, like you've said! It's definitely difficult when you have kids. Sometimes, I'll get moments when I look at my daughter and don't recognize her. And it creates a deep, deep sadness...I can't even explain it. Like...if I look at my husband and he looks weird and off I'm like...ehh, he's weird looking anyway haha. But my daughter? It's horrendously saddening. Sometimes I think to myself "am I a mother? I remember giving birth...but am I really a mother?" she'll call me mommy and it seems weird. And it's not like the new mother "oh, you're just not used to it"...it's scary to hear that title because I actually question if I am a mother.

I force myself to do things with my daughter. I take her everyone and anywhere she wants to go. I am constantly doing stuff with her...but I'm never "there"...if that makes sense and it's depressing as hell. The one day, I took her to the amusement park and the whole time, I was in that dream-like state and even though I was smiling, I was screaming deep inside.

I also get thoughts like you. The other day, I had the thought "how do I know I'm not dead?" then it set off "hey, maybe I died giving birth and don't know it. Maybe this is what it's like to be dead." and it really screws you up thinking stuff like that. The way that I've been combating those types of thoughts is by basically putting up a "stop" sign whenever they pop up. I'll get a weird existential thought and the stop sign goes up and I think "yeah, whatever, don't get involved in those thoughts" The more I sit and think those thoughts and "go into" the thoughts, the more disconnected I feel. Like..you know what? Who gives a living crap if I'm dead, I'm going to enjoy the day as a dead person and have fun.

I had a revelation the one day where it hit me that existential thinking is a form of intrusive thought. In the OCD community, intrusive thoughts are thoughts that pop up and cause the person a lot of distress and anxiety. I truly do believe that DP/DR is OCD-related in some way. I know this because I have this compulsion to count to four on my fingers any time I'm feeling especially derealized...which is an OCD-related compulsion. Everywhere I've read, the best way to "ride out" intrusive thoughts is to stop being scared of them, stop answering them, stop fighting them and ignore them.

The woman I saw today literally didn't even know what an intrusive thought was...and that's a HELL of a lot more common than DP/DR...like, most people with simple basic anxiety have intrusive thoughts. And when I told her I get them, she told me that it was probably just repressed anger or depression coming to the surface as violent thoughts. I really got the feeling this morning that she knew absolutely nothing of what I was talking about and that she was more confused and puzzled about my situation than I am.

Best of luck to you!


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

kittenkerfuffle said:


> Day dreaming? What the heck? I've day dreamed before and this is nothing like it...at all. It truly is hell, like you've said! It's definitely difficult when you have kids. Sometimes, I'll get moments when I look at my daughter and don't recognize her. And it creates a deep, deep sadness...I can't even explain it. Like...if I look at my husband and he looks weird and off I'm like...ehh, he's weird looking anyway haha. But my daughter? It's horrendously saddening. Sometimes I think to myself "am I a mother? I remember giving birth...but am I really a mother?" she'll call me mommy and it seems weird. And it's not like the new mother "oh, you're just not used to it"...it's scary to hear that title because I actually question if I am a mother.
> 
> I force myself to do things with my daughter. I take her everyone and anywhere she wants to go. I am constantly doing stuff with her...but I'm never "there"...if that makes sense and it's depressing as hell. The one day, I took her to the amusement park and the whole time, I was in that dream-like state and even though I was smiling, I was screaming deep inside.
> 
> ...


I have gotten better with the thoughts because when this started I couldn't shut my brain up at all. It was constantly going and I didn't sleep for 9 weeks. Obsessing about life, reality, exicstence, not recognizing myself and so on. Some stuff have slow down but gosh not fast enough and it sucks. I also go everywhere with my kids but I'm trapped in my head. Not there, paranoid, panicked, fighting off attacks, I feel like I am in a bubble that needs to be popped. Kind of looking at myself from a dirty mirror. Cloud around my head. It's truly disturbing and I just pray and pray that the reality switch turns back on. Going into the market or target is pure hell because of the lights. I can go on for days with this hell.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Fair play to all the moms on here who despite going through this hell are still there for their children....Even DP cant break the unbreakable bond between a mother and child...So fuck you DP...

You guys are to be highly commended....That is strength beyond any other kind...

All the big buff muscle bound buff fellas in the world who think they are fit and strong need to take a leaf out of your books...What you guys are doing is true strength...

As regards dealing with intrusive thoughts (I was plagued with them for years, particularly the thought i might harm someone) its simple....If they are negative or disturbing in any way shape or form whether they feel genuine or not I simply dont entertain them and banish them...

In a funny way it has made me become a more positive thinker because over the years ive learned to literally banish nearly everything negative (real or imagined) from my mind....Its simple ! If its not positive or encouraging or happy its garbage to me and I dont go there...

In the early days it caused me disturbing confusion because I didnt know whether to believe anything intrusive that came into my head...The answer was simple...If its unsettling or disturbing DONT GO THERE whether it feels genuine or not...


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

As naturally anxious people we developed negative thinking patterns over the years even before DP...

So in a way negative thinking was the norm for us....It was only when the negative thinking became obsessive, intrusive and disturbing that it started becoming a problem...So we were left with a double sided negative thinking mind...The normal negative thinking we were used to and now this crazy intrusive stuff on top of it....No wonder DP sufferers struggle to decide whether thinking patterns are real or not...

My advice...If its negative or disturbing in any way (REAL OR IMAGINARY) tell it to go fuck itself...

Its a very black and white way to deal with it but thats the way people who suffer from anxiety need to deal with all things (not just intrusive thoughts)

Probably the biggest problem Anxious people and DP sufferers have is deciding whats real and whats not or whats fact and whats fiction...SO! Go by what you KNOW and not what you FEEL....And when it comes to deciding whether something is real or not the solution is simple too...IF ITS UPSETTING ITS BULLSHIT....IF ITS COMFORTING ITS FACT....


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## Thatgirlbrooke (Sep 2, 2017)

kittenkerfuffle said:


> Hi, all. So, I'm still relatively new to this forum. I've only posted twice here, but I have been dealing with DP/DR for about a year and a half now with a slight break in between. Last year (2016), I was under a lot of stress and one day, almost like a light switch effect, I began dealing with violent intrusive thoughts (also known in the OCD world as harm-o) and DP/DR along with it. I began taking a supplement known as inositol in September 2016 and it made my issues roughly 80% better. It was almost like a miracle.
> 
> About three or four months ago, I don't know if my body built up a tolerance to the inositol or due to other life-related stressful events, the DP/DR came back...STRONG. This time, I'm not entirely focused on the violent intrusive thoughts, but more focused on the DP/DR.
> 
> ...


Hello! If you want something immediate then I recommend going to Barnes and noble and buy the book "from panick to power" by Lucinda Bassett. She explains what you've discovered even through self recognition to wayyy more. She even explains the wierd thoughts about harming others and quotes " I had a lady come in, started crying really hard and told me she was having thoughts about harming her children and not wanting to even look at knives."
Lucinda responded " well when we are dealing with stress in our life our anxietys natural reaction is to direct it onward and make us have those thoughts to distract ourselves from reality. The fact that you are scared you're having these thoughts and you don't want to be shows that you know it's wrong. An actual person with serious mental problems would think it was ok and not even question it so it's just your anxiety trying to scare you.

I swear by this book. Ive had it for 4 days and can successfully redirect me thoughts. I withdrew my leave of absence from work and even went back!! I'm not even finished with the book yet. It's 17$. And it's always the best getting help from someone who's been through it. I hope this helps!


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

eddy1886 said:


> Fair play to all the moms on here who despite going through this hell are still there for their children....Even DP cant break the unbreakable bond between a mother and child...So fuck you DP...
> 
> You guys are to be highly commended....That is strength beyond any other kind...
> 
> ...





eddy1886 said:


> As naturally anxious people we developed negative thinking patterns over the years even before DP...
> 
> So in a way negative thinking was the norm for us....It was only when the negative thinking became obsessive, intrusive and disturbing that it started becoming a problem...So we were left with a double sided negative thinking mind...The normal negative thinking we were used to and now this crazy intrusive stuff on top of it....No wonder DP sufferers struggle to decide whether thinking patterns are real or not...
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the reply! DP/DR is the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. And I gave birth naturally at home with no medical intervention and no pain meds. I'd do that 500 times over if it meant I never had to deal with DP/DR ever again in my life! I've also often said that I'd rather deal with someone physical than mental. This isn't downplaying anyone's physical ailments, but for me, it would be easier to have, say, a bum knee or a bad back than DP/DR all the time.

The intrusive thoughts mixed with the DP/DR are sometimes the worst for me. A few weeks ago, I started with the existential thinking and I was trying to figure out how the human brain knows to not do wrong things. And then when I would get an intrusive thought I'd be like...holy lord, I'm just a walking brain that apparently will stop me from doing these things? I've thought many times I'm going crazy or psychotic. However, the more I think about these types of thoughts, the more intense they feel and it sets off an anxiety attack....like that pit in your stomach where you think that if you keep thinking anymore thoughts, you'll finally snap. The my anxiety slows down and ends...until another weird thought comes up.

Personally, I feel that these weird existential thoughts fuel my DP/DR. Like maybe if I didn't question everything and have deep thoughts about why things are the way they are, I wouldn't mind so much once in awhile feeling disconnected...and that feeling would probably go away. I've used the "stop" method...where I basically stop the thought and don't "go into it" when I get a weird thought...whether it's a violent intrusive thought or an existential thought, but sometimes it gets the best of me. If you wouldn't mind me asking, how do you stop the existential thoughts? In the same way you said you stopped the intrusive thoughts?

Like I've said, and I see you have the same inkling, I believe DP/DR is a form of OCD. We have all become obsessed about feeling unreal and questioning everything. It's what fuels the cycle. I have always (always) been an obsessive person. When I get involved in something, it becomes an obsession. This happened when I went to college (was top of my class) and when I deal with DP/DR or intrusive thoughts. I also have OCD tendencies, I count to four a lot when doing things and I have trichotillomania (hair pulling). When I lost weight years ago, it became such an obsession that I lost 100lbs. I'm a naturally obsessive person and I feel my DP/DR as well as intrusive thoughts are all just obsessions because I don't have much else to be obsessed with at the moment haha.


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

Thatgirlbrooke said:


> Hello! If you want something immediate then I recommend going to Barnes and noble and buy the book "from panick to power" by Lucinda Bassett. She explains what you've discovered even through self recognition to wayyy more. She even explains the wierd thoughts about harming others and quotes " I had a lady come in, started crying really hard and told me she was having thoughts about harming her children and not wanting to even look at knives."
> Lucinda responded " well when we are dealing with stress in our life our anxietys natural reaction is to direct it onward and make us have those thoughts to distract ourselves from reality. The fact that you are scared you're having these thoughts and you don't want to be shows that you know it's wrong. An actual person with serious mental problems would think it was ok and not even question it so it's just your anxiety trying to scare you.
> 
> I swear by this book. Ive had it for 4 days and can successfully redirect me thoughts. I withdrew my leave of absence from work and even went back!! I'm not even finished with the book yet. It's 17$. And it's always the best getting help from someone who's been through it. I hope this helps!


Thank you, I will definitely check the book out! The intrusive thoughts I get often mingle with my DP/DR and in the past, they've fueled the DP/DR (since it's a side effect of anxiety). I have also hidden knives and thrown sharp objects out of windows before in the past to get them out of the house. Last year, when my intrusive thoughts were bad, I had to literally throw a pair of scissors out the bathroom window because I couldn't stop imagining myself hurting someone with them. (and don't worry, I live in the woods and there is literally nothing behind my house but trees and a hill going down to a river, so I didn't hurt anyone throwing them out the window haha)


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

I am becoming more and more convinced that one of the prerequisites of working in mental health is that you should have to have suffered some sort of psychological catastrophe yourself before you're allowed to preach to others. Not that I'd wish mental health issues on anyone but the ignorance coming from countless psychologists/psychiatrists is pretty staggering.

No one can imagine the hell that is DPDR or OCD (which for me was in fact worse), and intrusive thoughts specifically, which I dealt with for quite some time and literally drove me to the edge. My two main problem areas were stuck thoughts (for instance, having a song stuck in my head non-stop, for weeks - the quickest road to insanity if you ask me) and thoughts of harming others. Like you, I'd never hurt anyone, but the thought of doing it became really overwhelming. I would think about stomping on my cat, strangling my girlfriend - in the end it felt like it was making me crazy, and I would cry over it so often as well. It was near impossible to confide in anyone too - so few understand things like harm OCD, and I had to be careful with what I said about it to professionals (I'm a large man - 6'5''/220). So with that against me, I felt beyond helpless. I would have urges to escape everyone and just drive as far away as possible to avoid harming anyone. I was never more suicidal than during that intense OCD period.

Two things worked to rid me of that though - my SSRI and benzo combination, and some text that really resonated with me. It was from someone specialized in harm OCD, who wrote that if you feel violent/intrusive thoughts, it's actually because you're most afraid of something like that happening. It in fact indicates that you care deeply for those around you, and that you have a solid moral compass. So it was when I realized that anxiety/OCD zeroes in on the kinds of things that would horrify you most, that a lot of the fear simply fell away, because all of a sudden it made sense to me and I could see through its game.

In any case, I hope you can switch to someone who understands the specific types of problems you face. Mental health treatment really needs to be tailored to individuals, and that includes finding someone who knows exactly what you've been going through. Having had a child not too long ago puts you at added risk for certain mental health hiccups too, so it's more normal than you might think, and really just your brain/chemicals/hormones messing with you. Good luck!


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

Chicane said:


> I am becoming more and more convinced that one of the prerequisites of working in mental health is that you should have to have suffered some sort of psychological catastrophe yourself before you're allowed to preach to others. Not that I'd wish mental health issues on anyone but the ignorance coming from countless psychologists/psychiatrists is pretty staggering.
> 
> No one can imagine the hell that is DPDR or OCD (which for me was in fact worse), and intrusive thoughts specifically, which I dealt with for quite some time and literally drove me to the edge. My two main problem areas were stuck thoughts (for instance, having a song stuck in my head non-stop, for weeks - the quickest road to insanity if you ask me) and thoughts of harming others. Like you, I'd never hurt anyone, but the thought of doing it became really overwhelming. I would think about stomping on my cat, strangling my girlfriend - in the end it felt like it was making me crazy, and I would cry over it so often as well. It was near impossible to confide in anyone too - so few understand things like harm OCD, and I had to be careful with what I said about it to professionals (I'm a large man - 6'5''/220). So with that against me, I felt beyond helpless. I would have urges to escape everyone and just drive as far away as possible to avoid harming anyone. I was never more suicidal than during that intense OCD period.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for replying!

I agree, I was astounded yesterday. I actually woke up this morning a little ticked off at my appointment yesterday. My husband had to go in late for work to take me and the appointment, honestly, was a waste of our time.

One, she actually suggested that what I have is amnesia. Amnesia! What the hell? I may be derealized as shit right now, but I must be the most functioning person with amnesia apparently. The fact that she suggested neurological testing was bothersome. All of us with DP/DR now how scary it is to think or assume our issues are neurologically-driven...like there is something wrong or off "up there" which is causing all of this...rather than us just acknowledging that we're being obsessed anxious people. So suggesting that I go for neurological testing was...well...yeah, my DP/DR was bad last night to say the least and I think the appointment with her triggered old fears of mine.

Next, she apparently knew nothing about intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts, whether violent, sexual, etc, are all created because of our fear of them. They cycle and loop because we show so much fear towards them. Take the "pink elephant" notion. It's where you're told not to, absolutely NOT think about a pink elephant in the next minute...and then it's all you can think about. But instead of suggesting my thoughts were OCD-based or intrusive in nature, she told me I was having violent thoughts because I was repressing anger. As someone with harm-OCD, that is the LAST thing you should be telling someone with violent intrusive thoughts!

I'm there with you as far as the violent intrusive thoughts. They always (ALWAYS) revolve around people you love the most. For me, they often involve my daughter, mom, husband and cats. They're frightening and like you (it's weird you say it), I have had urges to get in the car and go to a hotel somewhere far away so that I wouldn't have to be around the people I was having thoughts about. It's an avoidance technique, which is OCD-based - similar to throwing out knives or hiding sharp objects. You're trying to get away from your thoughts in the best way you know how.

I am also with you in avoiding saying anything. I read somewhere a long time ago where a woman went to her doctor and said "I'm having thoughts of stabbing my son and I'm so horrified over them." The doctor called CPS and police immediately and the son was taken away from her until she could be evaluated by a proper psychiatrist who, thank goodness, diagnosed her as simply having harm-OCD. It's scary stuff and it goes back to these professionals not knowing a thing about mental disorders.

Believe me, you say you're a big guy, but I'm tiny as hell. I'm only five foot and thin and the thoughts still bother me. I'm probably the weakest person (sometimes my toddler has more strength than me...which surprises me haha) and the OCD intrusive thoughts still bother me. The way I deal with them (not that they don't sometimes still bother me) is by not going into them. You will think of all types of scenarios...you'll get a thought of hurting someone, then you think "oh my god....no...please no...." and then you'll start thinking of what would happen if you do, be thrown into a loony bin, prison, etc, and it turns into a huge whirlwind until you're left feeling isolated, feeling like you're a danger to society, scared and suicidal. So, the best way to tackle the thoughts is when something pops up...whether it's a mental image or thought or impulse, just be like..."whatever" and keep doing whatever you were doing. The less you pay attention to those thoughts, the less intense they feel.

What bothers me the most is when DP/DR involves itself in my harm-o. Like..I'll get a random violent thought and be like "whatever" and then DP/DR comes on in and is like "yeah, but you don't even feel connected to your body and feel like you're losing control...so now that thought you're having is REALLY scary." That's when I have the hardest time brushing it off.


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## courtneyk (Apr 20, 2017)

This makes me so sad. I'm so so sorry you had a bad experience! My psychiatrist actually was fairly familiar with dpdr (which is crazy considering I live in small town Idaho) and my therapist had literally no idea about it but she's so kind she's been learning and has been able to help me along side the psychiatrist. You could possibly search around for some better people... that's so tough though... if you're close to Idaho I could help!  I really hope things work out for you, you're so strong being a mother alongside this. Good luck with everything!


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## Thatgirlbrooke (Sep 2, 2017)

kittenkerfuffle said:


> Thank you, I will definitely check the book out! The intrusive thoughts I get often mingle with my DP/DR and in the past, they've fueled the DP/DR (since it's a side effect of anxiety). I have also hidden knives and thrown sharp objects out of windows before in the past to get them out of the house. Last year, when my intrusive thoughts were bad, I had to literally throw a pair of scissors out the bathroom window because I couldn't stop imagining myself hurting someone with them. (and don't worry, I live in the woods and there is literally nothing behind my house but trees and a hill going down to a river, so I didn't hurt anyone throwing them out the window haha)


I just want you to know it is from the dp/dr when you're dealing with stress it redirects your thoughts towards something scary to not deal with the actual stress going on, confront your problems that are right in front of you and you'll feel better even more grounded in the end. I did the same thing and the fact that you're looking into things means you are so intelligent and analytical we're all special people and you can get through this. I promise you


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## willbarwa (Aug 26, 2017)

i'm still in disbelief as to why some psychiatrist have never heard of DP. It's 2017, we are not in the middle ages and DP is not a hip, jazzy new thing that hit the market.


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

willbarwa said:


> i'm still in disbelief as to why some psychiatrist have never heard of DP. It's 2017, we are not in the middle ages and DP is not a hip, jazzy new thing that hit the market.


You will find that mental health care is still in the dark ages...Contrary to popular belief it is basically guesswork on the part of the doctor......

We only see in the media the "positive" stories about people changing their lives with exercise and diet etc etc and going on to live fulfilling wonderful happy lives....We dont read or see the stories of literally thousands of people waiting months for appointments with mental health services or the huge amount of suicides or the fact that alot of people are just left suffering because the doctors simply dont know how to treat them...

The truth about mental health treatment is that it is total trial and error with medicines, diet, exercise, therapy....Nobody actually knows how to truly treat an individual who comes to them with DP symptoms or Bi Polar symptoms or Psychotic symptoms...Simply because they cant get inside your head to decide what exactly is wrong.....Mental Health treatment is totally different to physical health treatment because humans have only begun to start exploring the chemistry of the brain....Its all theory and guesswork at the moment....


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

Thanks, everyone! I was able to do more research on the psychologist I went to. Before I had left the appointment, she mentioned that she deals mainly with psychodynamic psychology. Not knowing what the hell that is, I researched it and she is apparently one of those doctors who believes everything happens to us because of some deep dark trauma from childhood and our problems are our mothers' fault....the Freudian theory.

It's probably why:

1) She didn't have a wait list like the 500 bazillion other psychs I called did.
2) She assumed my violent intrusive thoughts were anger-based.
3) She was asking me so much about my childhood.

I honestly thought that type of psychology was obsolete, and like Eddy said, it's truly a game of trial and error. I assumed I would go to a psychologist, she'd be like "yep, this is what you have, I can help you" and I'd do months of CBT, therapy, hypnotherapy, whatever other type of therapy and go back to being my old self. Instead, I was looked at like I had two heads and asked if I could possibly have amnesia and anger problems.

I truly want to get over this hump on my own. The buspirone I'm on is literal shit. It's been 3 weeks and there is literally no change whatsoever. I also know from personal experience that meds aren't always the answer.....even if you finally find the holy grail (like I did last year with the inositol) your body may very well eventually build up a tolerance to it and you're back again in the same miserable boat.

You know, my brother is a war veteran and has always complained about getting appointments with mental health professionals and I always assumed it was because of the awful VA. I didn't realize it's not just the VA, it's for everyone looking for mental help.

My goal now is to take a mindfulness approach to my thoughts, feelings as someone on here suggested to me. I also am focusing on lifestyle and diet changes. I also may go back to using inositol after I give this buspirone stuff another week or two to see if it helps. If inositol stopped working for me because I built up a tolerance to it, surely it's out of my system by now since I haven't taken it in roughly a month or so...?


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

Only Benzos have tolerance build up problems when it comes to psychiatric meds...

Atypicals and SSRIs do not have the same issues....You find a dose that works and stick to it...Rarely if ever do you have to increase it...

Buspirone can take up to 4 weeks to kick in (sometimes longer depending on the individual) Maybe up the dosage a little and give it some more time...You may be on a dose thats too low...

Interesting reading for ya Kitten if ya havent already read it...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buspirone


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## bintuae (Jan 17, 2017)

In my experience, no psychologist or even PSYCHIATRIST knew wtf dp/dr is. My psychiatrist (who I consider the best in town) did not even utter a word when I mentioned the disorder. I'd expect this as no one knows what it's like unless he himself has gone through it. I lost trust for pdocs as I found out they're ignorant of many things.


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

eddy1886 said:


> Only Benzos have tolerance build up problems when it comes to psychiatric meds...
> 
> Atypicals and SSRIs do not have the same issues....You find a dose that works and stick to it...Rarely if ever do you have to increase it...
> 
> ...


Thanks, Eddy! Doc has me on 30mg of buspirone a day, so according to Wiki page, I'm on the highest dose. Tomorrow marks exactly 3 weeks since I started and I've had absolutely no relief from anxiety, intrusive thoughts or DP/DR. I'm giving it another week or two and then will probably just go back to inositol to see if it helps.


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## KittyKitten (Aug 13, 2017)

bintuae said:


> In my experience, no psychologist or even PSYCHIATRIST knew wtf dp/dr is. My psychiatrist (who I consider the best in town) did not even utter a word when I mentioned the disorder. I'd expect this as no one knows what it's like unless he himself has gone through it. I lost trust for pdocs as I found out they're ignorant of many things.


It's actually a bit scary and incredibly disheartening. I had it in my head that I'd go to a psychologist, they'd look at me and say "You have this-and-that wrong with you, I know how to help you." And instead, she looked at me puzzled and suggested I could possibly have some form of amnesia. I have a damn good memory, albeit I question if what I'm remembering was real, if it actually happened and if it was even me....who the hell am I anyway? Some floating brain on a weird body. If that's amnesia, sign me up...I have it. But I'm pretty sure amnesia is when you don't question your memories, you totally lose them temporarily. (and don't think for a second that her suggesting amnesia didn't screw me up mentally afterwards. I'm a hypochondriac. You tell me I might have cancer and I'll show every symptom possible).

I am tempted to continue my search for a good psychologist but 1) I live in fuck-all bum country where there's an hour drive to the nearest mall, so I don't exactly have a lot of options and 2) I'm afraid of being disappointed again.

In the past, the one thing that got me totally out of this hell was getting a fast-paced full-time job (busy diner). I was too exhausted at night to care about DP/DR and the stupid existential thoughts. Working versus not working back then was like night and day for me. It's just not as easy for me now that I'm a stay-at-home mom with only one car for the whole family (hubby takes it to work 7am to 5pm everyday). Honestly, I'm also nervous of getting a job, working and the issues NOT going away....what then?


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