# I must have the most severe DR there is....IM FUCKING DONE.



## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

I CANT DO THIS.

NOTHING FEELS REAL.

I can't even walk around my house or navigate myself around my room, I feel like I've lost all senses with reality.

FUCKKKKKKKKKK I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FEEL LIKE A WALKING CORPSE.

The actions I do don't feel real.

Is this severe DR EVER GOING TO LIFT?

I feel like I'm fucking dying.

Can't even communicate properly with my parents because it just feels so fake.

I might as well just give up already.

What kind of sick torture is this

I'm DONE.

My heart races so fast with this torture.

Everything is hard to do.

WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET OUT OF THIS?

Am I in a coma?

FUCKKKK!!!!!

I'm not going to take anymore of this.

No one deserves to suffer like this.


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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

*Is this severe DR EVER GOING TO LIFT?*
I am very sure it is, it certainly did for me.

*I feel like I'm fucking dying.*
I know how you feel, its awful, sometimes i feel like i am 80, but the truth is I'm 17.

*Can't even communicate properly with my parents because it just feels so fake.*
This for me was one of the most upsetting symptoms when i was at my worse. The disconnection between my family badly upset me. But the good thing is now i feel more connected to them, and slightly happier.

*My heart races so fast with this torture.*
I take it that's due to anxiety?

*WHAT DO YOU DO TO GET OUT OF THIS?*
There are lots of techniques people use to get relief, but the only information we have is from the people who have got better, or recovered fully. Some people recover, others kind of get used to it, and adapt.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful lately.

Just know that relief will come in time.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

Thank you fluke,









I feel like relief is so far away because I feel like I'm in such a dark place with no escape. but even if I was just to feel it a little bit, I would feel so much better.


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Accept it all. Accept that things look unreal, accept that you hate it, accept that everything you have tried up until this point hasn't changed it. Accept that doing the same things won't give different results. Accept that you might be scared to accept that you are powerless. Accept that the only solution might be surrender. Accept that this might take a long time to go away. Accept that what happens from here is up to you. Accept that you want your life back.

Accept everything. Absolutely everything.

That which we resist, persists.


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## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

I agree with never giving up a 100%. The start of my progression was accepting.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

I can't accept this torture, I'm sorry but I can't.

Accept not feeling anything?

Not being able to feel the joys of life , pleasure, happiness?

Just accept the pain of what my life has become?

I m sorry but I can't. It's like a death sentence.

.........


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Melissa_Z said:


> I can't accept this torture, I'm sorry but I can't.
> 
> Accept not feeling anything?
> 
> ...


Then accept that you don't want to accept it. Accept that there's a chance though that by not accepting it, nothing will change.

This is based on the principle that change can only come about through acceptance.

Accept that there is a possibility that you can accept it. Accept that people have gone through what you're going through and have recovered. Accept that you're not the only one who has experienced what you're experiencing. Accept that you do have a choice. Accept that you only live once.

Remember, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting the same result.

Ask yourself, has what I have been trying worked?

If not, accept that it doesn't work and that you need to try something else.

If there's a part of you that resists it, accept that you have a part of you that is resisting the idea and then deal with that part separately. Perhaps that part is actually scared of reality.


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

...


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Melissa, I am sure you will learn to accept things more and more when time passes.

In the beginning, I resisted EVERYTHING. It felt as if something in me was constantly kicking and fighting this strange state I am in. "I want my life back, I want my life back" echoed in my head the whole day. I wanted to have a pill, a spell, a technique, ANYTHING that would catapult me back to the time I felt good and normal. The more I tried, the more frustrated I got. Why does this not help??? What the fuck is happening to me???

After a while I got to the point, when I realised that I simply cannot change it. At least not now. It was a complete shock; I panicked and got depressed. Why me?? I asked... Never in my entire life did I do any harm to anybody. I was what you would call the "calm, gentle, dear girl". So why me??? I felt treated in the most unfair way possible. I just wanted to hide under my pillow.

Then I thought: Ok, so, what now? What to do? I knew I could not live the full normal life I took for granted for so long... so, what now? I knew I had 3 chices: No life. A life alone at home behind the PC and in despair. What I call a "half"-life; far from perfect, not experienced emotionally, but at least: Experienced.

I chose number 3 and I can honestly tell you that I feel MUCH MUCH better now. It is the way it is. It is terrible. Yes. But I cannot change it. So I just try to make the best of it. I do not manage to do so each day, but once in a while and that is nice, isn't it?

I know that days of fighting and struggling will come again. But I also know that I am able to accept a lot and so are you. The human being can adapt to HORRIFIC states, I am sure of that. It just takes time.

Melissa, you wrote in one of your last posts that you did not see your friends for quite a long time. Why don't you invite them over when you do not want to leave the house? I am sure they will be glad to see you again


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Melissa_Z said:


> I can't accept this torture, I'm sorry but I can't.
> 
> Accept not feeling anything?
> 
> ...


This is exactly how I felt in the beginning too. After my 2nd hospitalization the hospital made me go see a psych nurse pracitioner and at the appointment, after hearing my symptoms, she told me that I may have to just learn to live with it. My immediate reaction was "over my dead body". I mean there was no way that I was going to live with it. I wasn't going to accept what was happening to me. So I tried to fight it and my way of fighting it was anxiety and panic attacks. I fought the sensations with anxiety. I would sit and freak out over every single sensation. I would talk to myself and go "oh my gosh, I feel numb. I can't feel anything, I must be dying, AHHHHHH" and I'd have another panic attack. It was the fight or flight thing 24 hours a day. I managed to keep this up for 8 months. 8 long months of constantly keeping the anger and resistance through anxiety going. One morning I was in the bathtub working myself up to have anoher panic attack and I realize that I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even make myself panic. I suddenly realized that it wouldn't do any good. I could fight tooth and nail, have a panic attack, but when it was over the dp would still be there. I realized that there was nothing I could do about and that it was both making me much sicker and a massive waste of energy to keep fighting it. No matter what I did, it wouldn't change it. I was powerless so I might as well just accept it. I am not kidding that in the moment my entire body relaxed and it was that moment that was the catalyst for me making major steps in recovery.


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## Melissa_Z (Sep 29, 2010)

I just hate the feeling of not being connected in the present moment...

Go outside, I'm terrified...I know where I am but I feel like I'm floating and paralyzed...crossing the street, I'm surprised I haven't been run over by a car yet.

Go into a store...heart won't stop racing...I feel completely gone and detached from everything like I'm in a daze from hell and everything is out of my control, total loss of connection with where I am and what I'm doing.

In my room, I run to my bed, can't go on the computer because it makes me feel so fucking disoriented, it hurts my brain. I said earlier that I can't navigate my way around my room, in fact anywhere I go, it's like my brain doesn't know where I am even though it obviously does.

Simple tasks, chores, washing the dishes, cleaning the floor, walking from one place to another, does not feel real.

Can barely get dressed because I feel so lost.

I just feel like my brain is giving up more and more.

My brain hurts when I'm on the phone with a friend, it makes me feel so disoriented just talking, and it hurts my head, don't know why.

The only place that relaxes me is my moms room, all I do now is watch movies with her, it's the only thing that sort of distracts me.

Also, I can't stop eating, eating gives me pleasure too. Does nothing for the DR but I have always loved food.

I just exist. I get so upset when I watch my parents getting ready, getting on with their day, it's a breeze for them and in my head I think back to how easy itnwas for me too before this mess happened. I just don't get it. I had very very mild DR at the beginning, it scared me because it was new to me but over time, I did accept it then as it got worse, I could not accept it anymore because it has gotten so severe. I miss when my DR was mild, why can't I at least still have that, that wasn't as painful and wasn't as bad as it is now. Through time I'm just getting worse and worse and i think it would take a miracle for me to feel better.

I'm just so exhausted. So tired. I had so many dreams and now they are all ruined.

I'm originally from South Africa and after 14 years we just got our green card which means whe world to my parents and it did for me before I was plagued with this. I want to be happy with them but I can't. The thought of traveling like this scares me beyond belief. My whole life I've dreamt of going to London, I guess that idea is out of the question. I love how something good happens in my family but who is the one that has to suffer, me.

This is too much. I was just a normal, outgoing, social girl before all this happened. I miss me sooooooooo much.

I want answers, I want help, I want to be me again. If I have to walk around naked in the street in 30 degree weather, I will do it, if it meant that this would go away. I would do anything to get my life and confidence back. Being scared everyday is not a life. It's torture.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

What are you doing to help yourself? Have you talked to anyone outside your family about it? Have you seen a doctor? Have you tried any medications or supplements of any kind? I really really reallllllly recommend exercise to get the blood flowing to the brain. If you can't go outside and jog around the block do some strenuous workout activity in your room. Climb stairs, do push ups and sit ups, try dance aerobics like they do on tv. Work up a sweat. Maybe ask your parents to get a stationary exercise bike or a treadmill. Those things are great. Not only does it take your mind off of your problems it effects positive changes in your brain and body. Just try it!


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

Melissa, I feel like you're stuck in a stage of seeing yourself as a victim. Of course it's easy to feel that way because it's like we're constantly at war with ourselves.

But I think if you shift your perspective of your symptoms to a different, more empowering one, then you will be able to get out of this hole.

For example, instead of seeing your experience of unreality as a nonsensical attack designed to make you feel bad, instead view it as a symptom of dissociating from your body. See it as the mind's way of protecting you. Your symptoms aren't designed to make you feel bad, they are just an unfortunate effect of another defence. I say this, but there might be other explanations. For example, it could be that all symptoms serve a specific function. For example, maybe mental fogging is designed to fulfill a negative self concept (self-image). So, if you see yourself as a unintelligent and undeserving of recognition, then you might mentally fog at a specific time to fulfill this self-concept (self believe). The theory here is that all self concepts are a self fulfilling prophecy. You become what you believe you are.

Anyway, I think DP symptoms can be looked at from either perspectives. I am not entirely sure which one is true, maybe they both are partly true. Hell, maybe they're both wrong. But I think what's most important is what works. Try the ideas on for size and see how it feels.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I agree with the statement Flat made. You've come to a point where you need to ask yourself what you're going to do about how you feel. You say you refuse to accept it, so what are you going to do to refuse to accept it? If what you are currently doing now, ruminating over how you feel and constantly thinking about it and getting angry over it how you are refusing to accept it? Has that helped you so far? Do you think that if you continue addressing how you are feeling in the same manner now that it will be condusive to recovery? If not, what other options do you have to deal with how you are feel? I kind of see it that you have 3 options like a previous poster said. You can either kill yourself, do nothing and waste away inside of your house, or you can take the advice that is in every single recovery post and try to move forward. I think the thing that you cannot see is that you are making yourself feel this badly. I know that when you are so numb that you cannot help but be terrified that it's a hard concept to accept but the truth is that you are feeding this disorder and making it strong by constantly keeping yourself in a state of fear, anger, anxiety, depression, and desperation. I am willing to wager that you sit all day every day thinking about how strong every one of your symptoms are, how had you feel, what you can't do, how you're nothing like you used to be. I bet that when you get up to go to the bathroom you talk yourself into believing that you don't know where you are going. I bet all of this because I used to do exactly the same thing. The thing I eventually came to realize is that what you are feeling and what I am feeling, while scary, isn't the truth. They are false signals that your brain id giving you due to the chemical imbalance that is happening. Your body isn't numb. You aren't lost in your room. You are real and alive and you know where you are at. The downfall is that you feel these things and believe them to be real and freak out and just continue to validate to your brain that you really are in danger, so it keeps the cycle of dr going. Recovery comes when you finally realize for yourself that while scary feeling and miserable, the truth is that you are safe and healthy. You are in the same reality you've always been in. Nothing has changed at all. You are not sick. You are a strong healthy woman. You are not ever going to become physically ill or need surgery or die from dr. There is no danger around you. Look around your room. Can you identify anything that is putting you at risk of bodily harm or death? Is there anything about to attack you? No, there isn't. Yes, you feel awful and weird and it's not pleasant but there isn't any good reason to be afraid of how you are feeling. It's just a trick. It cannot hurt you. It's not even real.


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## Brando2600 (Apr 22, 2010)

Have you tried the Linden Method yet? Might be worth checking out the visualizations. Just search "Linden Method" up in the search bar.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I just wanted to add that whoever it was that gave her negative ratings, that's not ok. She has the right to express her feelings. Don't hate.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> I just wanted to add that whoever it was that gave her negative ratings, that's not ok. She has the right to express her feelings. Don't hate.


I agree completely and I clicked "-" by mistake, I meant to "+" sorry









And Melissa, I also feel like I have the most severe DR there is tbh, I've been feeling horrible :S


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## ohwell (Oct 28, 2010)

You do feal something contrary to what you claim. Why are you bothered by this? Being bothered *IS* fealing something. You also *FEAL* as if you were a robot. Those are fealings, negative fealings, but fealings anyway.



Melissa_Z said:


> I CANT DO THIS.
> 
> NOTHING FEELS REAL.
> 
> ...


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

ohwell said:


> You do feal something contrary to what you claim. Why are you bothered by this? Being bothered *IS* fealing something. You also *FEAL* as if you were a robot. Those are fealings, negative fealings, but fealings anyway.


You spelled ''feeling'' wrong there, buddy...


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## ohwell (Oct 28, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> You spelled ''feeling'' wrong there, buddy...


Yeah, fe*a*ling something is yet better than not fe*e*ling anything at all.







Thanks for the correction, English is my third language and I only use it for writting and reading technical materials. So the word ''feeling'' is pretty much alien to me, I rarely read or write anything which contains that word. I can also put the blame on DP, but that I won't do.


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## SherryGee (Dec 2, 2010)

I really understand how you feel because I felt like that so many times so you are not alone.
It is like you are in the space/spaced out feeling which is most distrubing feelings ever also feeling of being trapped. I think you might got agoraphobia because it sound like you are fear of losing control and it has DR/DP involved. I am not saying that you definitely have agoraphobia but you definitely have got some of these symptoms.

Lately I took my advice from counsellor on grounding technique, it helps me little bit and it takes my mind off on DR and panic attacks.

> Close your eyes, do a body scan from toe to head and take your time. Which feet is comfortable, can you feel the weight of another leg, can you feel back of chair, what temperture, and feel a object and decribe it in details like how it feels, smooth or rough.

> Also take deep breath and look up at the ceiling.

Take your time. 
Don't go to places that make you feel spaced out for while.
Take small baby steps but try to take big steps one a while (for example, walk around house everyday, then walk out to the gate each week to days. for big steps, go to small/local shop as you can).
Try new things such as crafts, drawing, sewing, writing stories to take your mind off DR/DP.
You may need someone who is close to you (family, friends etc) to encourage you who has understanding what you are going through.

Hope this has help you.


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