# What if I am pregnant... (yikes)



## lone wolf (Aug 10, 2004)

Yikes.

As this topic has nothing to do with DP, I decided to vent here... Last three days I've been feeling nauseous on the mornings, and I know it may indicate that I could be pregnant. I have had an intrauterine device for five and half years now (the old one was changed into a a new device last autumn) and have never had any problems with it. But I'm aware that no birth control method is 100 % certain in preventing pregnancies.

I know I always have the chance to get an abortion, but I wish if I will be proven to be pregnant, my boyfriend wouldn't want to keep the baby. It would be too sad, as I definitely do not want children, especially not "my own" - if I someday wanted to become a mother, I'd use adoption (in that way I could be sure the baby/child is healthy and I would do my share in order to not overpopulate the world).

But - what made me even more worried, is the reason that when I came from the exam just a moment ago, I felt nauseous again. When I went to throw up in the bathroom, I noticed there was some blood in that tiny amount of liquid that I "sacrificed to the goddess made of white porcelain". I'm aware that the blood most probably does not indicate any serious thing, but still I am concerned, as I haven't had any health problems for a long long time - and have never threw up blood before, not even tiny amounts.

Just had to vent, as I can't get any results, before I have been checked by a physician (for the blood thing) AND I cannot get a pregnancy test done in the lab of Finnish Student Health Service earlier but this Thursday, cuz I have lectures also tomorrow morning. I hope the nausea I've experienced lately wouldn't indicate pregnancy, nor any other serious thing. I'm pretty sure that at least it can't be a gastric ulcer (my guess bc of the blood), because I have never suffered from it before, neither I have been in any way stressed lately - rather on the contrary.

I wish I would be okay and not pregnant. I'll get myself checked as soon as I can, because I do not like to feel worried. Hopefully there would be no reason for it... If any of you might know some trivial, not scary reasons for the blood thing, I'd be thankful if you'd tell me. Of course I won't know what is wrong with me - or is there anything wrong indeed - before I'll go to the physician, but it would ease my worries to hear about it. Thanks


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

For a start, don't worry. I know that's easier said than done, but us DP'ers are experts at at least trying not to !!

Blood in vomit is very common, especially if you've been vomitting repeatedly. The strain of heaving up all the sick (eek) can sometimes burst tiny little blood vessels along the digestive track, much like sometimes you get a little blood when you blow your nose. I wouldn't worry, especially if it's only a tiny amount. But go and see your doctor anyway, to put your mind at rest.

As for a gastric ulcer...unless you are writhing in agony everytime you swallow some food (especially hot liquids), and have chronic acid reflux, you haven't got one !! Besides, gastric ulcers are quite uncommon in women.

Take care.


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## lone wolf (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi Martin - really thanks, you eased my worries a lot. It was good to hear that there can be that kind of natural explanation for the blood, and yes, it was just a very tiny amount, so I guess you are most probably right. But about the nausea on the mornings, let's see.

At least I'll know on Thursday if I am pregnant or not - and if I am, I will be introduced a new fear, as I'm too sensitive to physical pain and thus will be afraid of the abortion. :roll: For example - last autumn when I went to the gynecologist in order to get the old intrauterine devide changed, I insisted they'd give me a local anesthetic, cuz the pain had been such a shock to me last time. Still I was so scared of possible pain that my hands started trembling uncontrollably - though this time I didn't feel anything at all (thank God).


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## lone wolf (Aug 10, 2004)

By the way - along with the change of the topic line, I'll continue my monologue here...

I'll do this bc tomorrow I'll know if I am pregnant or not (hopefully not). I want to share my thoughts here, as I haven't told about my thoughts to my boyfriend yet - I want to be sure about the "first thing first" before telling him anything. As if I am not pregnant, all this introspection wouldn't have been needed anyway.

Indeed though I tried not to think about anything else than the abortion as the only option, I couldn't avoid but think also about what if kept the baby (in the case that my medication and use of nicotine chewing gum haven't already made the damage). If my boyfriend would want to have a baby, it would be a very difficult question to me. Needless to say, I was drawn to the threads of parenting started by Janine (so beautiful, moving post...) and sc (the posts by all DP parents there made me think about it deeply). I thought, and tried to compare those two alternatives. I don't know what joys I would experience if I had a child, as it has been such a long time for me since my little siblings were small (not to mention having younger siblings must be a bit different than having a child of my own). But I'm pretty sure I and my boyfriend would discover the kind of joy, that we can't even imagine at the moment - e.g. watching when the child grows and constantly learns new things etc.

But - I am scared to death of the huge amount of responsibility that it would bring to me, and (selfish to say, but of course even wanting a child is a selfish act too in the end) I know if we had a child, I and my boyfriend couldn't go to our annual summer holiday trips in Lapland (North Finland) with a car and a tent anymore. It would take at least eleven years before we could do that again, as I wouldn't let a child under the age 10 to sleep in a tent in the middle of nowhere. Too risky. And we've got plans of going hiking for days in the wilderness of Lapland someday too, and it would be even more impossible, if we had a child. Hiking couldn't be possible for at least 15 years. The nature of Lapland is the kind of thing, which brings me so much joy in my current life, that I couldn't think about a life without getting there at least once a year.

And what is most important in this - living like this I'm responsible of only two cute little guinea pigs, Kolumbus and Kamomilla, and they are my babies at the moment. Even having them, and knowing the possibility that they can become sick, feels terrible to me (Kolumbus's first wife KusKus died bc of a mysterious illness, and the vet couldn't help her). I couldn't even imagine the possibility that I had a child, who would become very ill. Indeed, I don't want to have that much responsibility - to be responsible of a real, living, little human being - at least not in this phase of my life.

Thus I came to the conclusion, that I will stick with the abortion thing, if tomorrow I'll be proven to be pregant. The only thing that might change my mind, if the hypothetical possibility that my boyfriend would want to become a father. Let's see - at least, if I even needed to think about these things at all, I will know about it for sure tomorrow.

Thanks for listening, anyone.


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## lone wolf (Aug 10, 2004)

The test was negative - thank God. The decicion would have been very difficult, if it had been positive.

I have always thought that the time when I could start thinking about getting a child (IF I and my boyfriend come to that conclusion someday) I have to be graduated, found a good job and we should be living at the countryside of South Karelia (South Eastern Finland). Thus I feel so relieved bc of the test results...

However - it was good to hear from my therapist today, that she and her husband went to a holiday journey to Lapland even when her first child was only 6 months old. And they were sleeping in a tent... So I wouldn't need to give up the trips to Lapland even if I someday wanted to have a baby.

Not in many years though, I'm pretty sure about it. Our sweet guinea pigs Kolumbus and Kamomilla are enough for me at the moment.


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## Guest (Feb 25, 2005)

Ninnu, I had been wanting to know your result too, but thought not to ask in case you WERE pregnant and didnt want to share with us.
Glad for you you are not at this point in your life. 
Take care.


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## lone wolf (Aug 10, 2004)

Wendy said:


> Ninnu, I had been wanting to know your result too, but thought not to ask in case you WERE pregnant and didnt want to share with us.
> Glad for you you are not at this point in your life.
> Take care.


Hi Wendy, and really thanks for caring - and sorry for this kind of long silence... I was so happy not to be pregnant, bc I definitely don't want a child of my own - at least not in this phase of my life (maybe never).

Now I have finally figured out why I've been throwing up very often - it is the flashbacks from one fateful year -98, which make me nauseous. I've been two weeks in Jorvi mental ward now bc of that, had to start taking Zyprexa again to keep the flashbacks in control (but what was a good thing, I do not need antidep Remeron anymore  ). I have had quite tough time lately, but now I'm feeling a lot better... Thank God there are meds for this - and I being smart enough to contact the rape crisis center Tukinainen. It felt so good to hear I was believed by other people "in the same boat" - only now I have started really believing that what happened to me during one night -98, was really true and not my imagination. Weird how long it took, but at least I'm at last going to the right direction...

BTW, about my dreams about future - it was also a weird experience to read my previous posts. I said I wanted to move to South-Karelia after I and my boyfriend have accomplished our studies. Nope, that isn't what I really want. I wanna move abroad and I definitely won't become a basic/high school teacher. I would become crazy if I chose that kind of option. I wanna study another degree (something I won't tell ya yet) and do it abroad with a different language (won't tell ya which country). I only hope my boyfriend would move with me and be happy, when the move will be topical... Oh well, of coz I have to study this degree first and find some work to do before anything else in the far future.


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