# Do I know how to feel normal?



## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

I've wrote a similar post in the past, but I don't think I delivered my message as sound as I wanted.

My mind has been plagued by a terrifying doubt in the last few weeks ...
My DP/DR has greatly diminished over the past 6 months, and only recently did I begin to wonder about this issue.

The thing is: Will I ever know how to feel normal again, given that I have lived with this condition for so many years?
I spent my entire teenagehood with this, I first developed it when I was 15 years old and only started to get better at the age of 19.
Depersonalization, became my reality. It consumed me. I got used to it. I tried to live my life in the myst of all this horror...

Now... I don't know if I'm cured or if I'm still suffering...

I have forgot how it was like to feel depersonalized, but I also forgot how it was like to feel before I felt depersonalized.
I know nothing at this point, beside the fact that I got considerably better over a period of months.

Will I ever "know" when I'm fully cured?

Am I fully cured?

Are Depersonalization and Derealization sheer products of my imagination?
The latest has been my number one suspect... Besides feeling depressed, anxious and derealized, I also had a strong dependency on falsifying facts and convincing myself of a parallel reality, my own world, when I was loved, popular, and all was well.
I would dive into an ocean of fantasy, and I would stay there for as long as I could.

My life was a piece of shit, so this fantasy world was too good to pass out. It was my refuge. My self-defense mechanism.

And so, I consider my mind to be pretty powerful when it comes to forging reality and replacing it with false truth.
However, I know that this didn't apply to my suffering of depersonalization, because I the way I felt didn't last for a few minutes while I was hoping things were different.

The way I felt was unique
I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't recognise myself breathing. I couldn't feel the presence of others... I was dead.

Now, given that I have recovered a lot, I fear that all I am now suffering from a reverse fantasy.
I am afraid I am still suffering. 
And I think that this fear is so large, that it has transformed itself into a real form.

I don't know if this is how I'm supposed to feel or if I'm still suffering from mild DP/DR.

The thing is... I don't know I will ever know how to feel normal again...

With this post I was hoping I could reach out to someone that is recovering and is also in a similar situation. I am desperatly seeking advice on this issue...

Thanks. 
0


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## Caroe (Jun 13, 2012)

Feeling normal is easy: you just have to stop asking yourself if you feel normal, and stoping asking yourself that question will make you forget about DP, and then you'll feel normal. ''Normal people'' feel ''normal'' because they never asked themselves that question, they never wondered they never tried to understand why or how, they just live. They just keep going forward. You'll never notice that your DP stop, if you notice that it does stop, then it will come back. Theres no gray zone, only black and white.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Caroe said:


> Feeling normal is easy: you just have to stop asking yourself if you feel normal, and stoping asking yourself that question will make you forget about DP, and then you'll feel normal. ''Normal people'' feel ''normal'' because they never asked themselves that question, they never wondered they never tried to understand why or how, they just live. They just keep going forward. You'll never notice that your DP stop, if you notice that it does stop, then it will come back. Theres no gray zone, only black and white.


Exactly =)


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

Caroe said:


> Feeling normal is easy: you just have to stop asking yourself if you feel normal, and stoping asking yourself that question will make you forget about DP, and then you'll feel normal. ''Normal people'' feel ''normal'' because they never asked themselves that question, they never wondered they never tried to understand why or how, they just live. They just keep going forward. You'll never notice that your DP stop, if you notice that it does stop, then it will come back. Theres no gray zone, only black and white.


I disagree.

There is a gray zone.
That's the recovery area.

And I don't know if I'm still there or if I'm already cured.

"If you notice that it does stop, then it will come back."

That implies that cured people are forever living with their disease?


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> I disagree.
> 
> There is a gray zone.
> That's the recovery area.
> ...


IMHO, there's only DP and no DP, while you're recovering you're still DP'd right? I guess that makes it easy to get to a conclusion.

"If you notice that it does stop, then it will come back."

Anyone who has recovered doesn't think about it anymore, plus they say they don't remember what it is like to feel DP'd, just as we don't remember how it is to feel real, I think she meant that if you think it stopped or that it's nearly gone, it doesn't mean you're recovered.


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> IMHO, there's only DP and no DP, while you're recovering you're still DP'd right? I guess that makes it easy to get to a conclusion.
> 
> "If you notice that it does stop, then it will come back."
> 
> Anyone who has recovered doesn't think about it anymore, plus they say they don't remember what it is like to feel DP'd, just as we don't remember how it is to feel real, I think she meant that if you think it stopped or that it's nearly gone, it doesn't mean you're recovered.


I don't feel nearly as bad as I felt 2 years ago.

That's why I disagree with the DP or NO DP.

The way I feel is uniquely distinguished from how I used to feel a long time ago.

I can recognise my limbs as my own now, I no longer feel emotionally indiferent towards other human beings.

This is the gray area, this is the tolerable area.

I'm okay now. I'm full okay


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> I don't feel nearly as bad as I felt 2 years ago.
> 
> That's why I disagree with the DP or NO DP.
> 
> ...


Well I've never felt that way, nor I've seen anyone else feeling that way but if you do, it's probably a good sign, good luck with full recovery


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Well I've never felt that way, nor I've seen anyone else feeling that way but if you do, it's probably a good sign, good luck with full recovery


Then are you saying you never felt depersonalized - as if your body was not your own ?


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> I can recognise my limbs as my own now, I no longer feel emotionally indiferent towards other human beings.
> 
> This is the gray area, this is the tolerable area.


I said I've never felt this way, I've been depersonalized for 3 years, and right now I'm feeling pretty good compared to all these years but I still don't recognise my limbs as my own, I do feel emotions though, I've felt pain/sadness/sorrow for these last years, sometimes I couldn't feel anything, but emotional detachment is not one of my biggest worries as I don't have it all the time, and you, should really stop obsessing so much about this, I did for years and it wasn't worth it obviously, now I look back and feel like I've wasted my time worrying and finding excuses not to move on


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> I said I've never felt this way, I've been depersonalized for 3 years, and right now I'm feeling pretty good compared to all these years but I still don't recognise my limbs as my own, I do feel emotions though, I've felt pain/sadness/sorrow for these last years, sometimes I couldn't feel anything, but emotional detachment is not one of my biggest worries as I don't have it all the time, and you, should really stop obsessing so much about this, I did for years and it wasn't worth it obviously, now I look back and feel like I've wasted my time worrying and finding excuses not to move on


I'm not devoting full focus to it, I've just come to the conclusion that I must accept this if I am to get over it and recover.

PS: That's a weird combo you got there, full DP with no emotional detatchment?

I always saw both go hand in hand. If one decreased so did the other!


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> I'm not devoting full focus to it, I've just come to the conclusion that I must accept this if I am to get over it and recover.
> 
> PS: That's a weird combo you got there, full DP with no emotional detatchment?
> 
> I always saw both go hand in hand. If one decreased so did the other!


I think you misunderstood the 2 last posts, I said I did feel emotional detachment, yet most of the times I can actually feel something, might be because these last 3 years have been spent with "friends" , who turned out to be nothing but losers, well a few of them, the others it was pretty much my fault, still, I did feel emotionally detached a lot of times, I even posted something about it in the forum years ago. Also you should already know that if someone focuses on another symptom, the previous one will most likely go away for a while, I've been through every single symptom probably, and as soon as I get a new one the previous one gets "old" , maybe you should see my thread history to see what I mean, might even help out with your problem


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> I think you misunderstood the 2 last posts, I said I did feel emotional detachment, yet most of the times I can actually feel something, might be because these last 3 years have been spent with "friends" , who turned out to be nothing but losers, well a few of them, the others it was pretty much my fault, still, I did feel emotionally detached a lot of times, I even posted something about it in the forum years ago. Also you should already know that if someone focuses on another symptom, the previous one will most likely go away for a while, I've been through every single symptom probably, and as soon as I get a new one the previous one gets "old" , maybe you should see my thread history to see what I mean, might even help out with your problem


Well unfortunatly I never had that "luxury".

I was overwhelmed by a shitload of symptoms and conditions and was always unable to distract myself from a single one of them...


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## livinginhell333 (Feb 19, 2005)

I'm in the same exact situation and you took the words right out of my mouth. Lately I've been more depersonalized/derealized, and like you said can't feel body parts, notice myself breathing, feel like i'm dead to people, i thought i had recovered. I was doing well for a while, but now i'm questioning the same, what is it like to feel normal. I know i have to let go and not think about dp, it's the only way to be semi-normal, and it gets the depression and anxiety part of it out.


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

livinginhell333 said:


> I'm in the same exact situation and you took the words right out of my mouth. Lately I've been more depersonalized/derealized, and like you said can't feel body parts, notice myself breathing, feel like i'm dead to people, i thought i had recovered. I was doing well for a while, but now i'm questioning the same, what is it like to feel normal. I know i have to let go and not think about dp, it's the only way to be semi-normal, and it gets the depression and anxiety part of it out.


My main concern is that I might not be able to recognise the way I feel as something close to normality.

I no longer wish to be normal, because I don't feel as bad as I used to, but I'm afraid I will never know what normal is, after so much time I spent depersonalized.

DP/DR became MY reality. It consumed it. I was it. I spent 5 years in a living hell and now... now this world seems more familiar and confortable, because I have finally lift the barrier, but...

... somehow I feel increasingly more confused regarding the way I should be feeling as I get better.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

It's sort of "interesting" , I had shaken off most of my fears but after reading like a lot of posts, I'm starting to fear that my DP might never go away as well... seriously this crap craves fear, this disorder really does live of fear, I can't let myself go down again though...


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> It's sort of "interesting" , I had shaken off most of my fears but after reading like a lot of posts, I'm starting to fear that my DP might never go away as well... seriously this crap craves fear, this disorder really does live of fear, I can't let myself go down again though...


It's true... this disorder feeds itself from Fear.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> It's true... this disorder feeds itself from Fear.


Yep, but I'm back on my feet again, some exercise outside around 6/7 AM is the best =)


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Yep, but I'm back on my feet again, some exercise outside around 6/7 AM is the best =)


Meh, I'm too lazy for that.

I used to be an american football athlete, but now the season ended and I just spend my day couch surfing and smoking


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> Meh, I'm too lazy for that.
> 
> I used to be an american football athlete, but now the season ended and I just spend my day couch surfing and smoking


It's kind of the complete opposite to me, I used to be lazy as hell, if someone told me to go and do some exercise in the morning I'd go crazy, but after trying it... I don't know it just feels good, like I'm cleaning my mind, while the diet cleans my body, actually both of them clean everything but yeah


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> It's kind of the complete opposite to me, I used to be lazy as hell, if someone told me to go and do some exercise in the morning I'd go crazy, but after trying it... I don't know it just feels good, like I'm cleaning my mind, while the diet cleans my body, actually both of them clean everything but yeah


Funny... I used to notice major differences in my DP/DR whenever I exercised.

But that was a long time ago.

Now, it does nothing to me..


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

You need to spend more time around nature...


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

When I'm feeling normal I'm not doubting whether or not I'm normal... it's intuitive.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> Funny... I used to notice major differences in my DP/DR whenever I exercised.
> 
> But that was a long time ago.
> 
> Now, it does nothing to me..


Well I do hope exercise will keep making me feel better... A few months ago I had the sad and stupid idea of drinking a bottle of vodka everyday for 3 months or something, after those 3 months it did nothing and I was a misery, hopefully with the diet and the supplements the exercise will keep on working


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

PositiveThinking! said:


> Well I do hope exercise will keep making me feel better... A few months ago I had the sad and stupid idea of drinking a bottle of vodka everyday for 3 months or something, after those 3 months it did nothing and I was a misery, hopefully with the diet and the supplements the exercise will keep on working


I think a step even greater than physical recovery is mental recovery...

Changing your mindset, writting about how you're feeling.

That's what really helped me recover


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

miguelmalato said:


> I think a step even greater than physical recovery is mental recovery...
> 
> Changing your mindset, writting about how you're feeling.
> 
> That's what really helped me recover


Everythings connected, body and mind, if you work on your body your mind will be better as well, I started the diet, exercise and supplements for my mental health, the weight loss is a big bonus because I have a damn hernia, got it when I was working out... eventually I'll lose weight, feel less pain in my back / legs and go back to the gym, that's my "dream" lol


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## Thidwick (May 30, 2012)

As long as you ask yourself the question, "Do I feel normal?" the answer will always be "No." Stop analyzing yourself so much. You're still connected to reality, you're just perceiving it differently. Once you stop worrying so much about what "normal" is you'll start recovery.


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