# Going on 3 years now



## amylouise12 (Oct 9, 2014)

Hi everyone.. I've been suffering with Depersonalization/Emotional numbness now for about 3 years, I'm 19 and it all started when I gave up smoking weed after 2 years straight I woke up the next morning and everything looked different, hazy.. like I was in a dream so I researched about it on the internet and came upon this site

My family knew something wasn't right and I later went into mental health support system in the UK and was diagnosed by a psychologist who specialized in dissociative disorders and she told me that it was the brains natural defense mechanism to stress, I've tried medications and talking therapy but nothing seemed to really shift it. I'm lucky to have had the support of my family but nobody in the medical industry really has a clue about this disorder and I'm just wondering how people are coping with the emotional numbness? for me it's not really a blanket of feeling unreal anymore but more that I've become so numb and disorientated in my thinking, acting that generally I just feel like a walking ghost that I don't know how to go up from here, like when I see people saying that you need to 'find' yourself in the midst of this I'm sat here thinking how? I don't feel like a human being..

I'm not an overly religious person but I've thought about seeing a healer or someone involved in religion I'm that desperate to find out what is causing me to feel THIS bad, I'd really appreciate any thoughts about what is happening and if anyone can relate? I did see a good video of a guy who went to an Anointing Water Testimony who had been suffering with the disorder for 6 years


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## Sixty-Six (Oct 15, 2014)

I found that emotional recovery (i.e. feeling my own feelings again) came through not trying, as unhelpful as that sounds. Instead of questioning why I felt so blank, or ruminating over whether I'd ever feel anything ever again, I sort of - this is hard to put into words - stopped paying attention to my lack of feelings. Which admittedly wasn't easy: up until that point I'd been spending hours staring at everything in my house, desperately willing it to look normal: my books, my carpet, my own hands, everything. I felt desperate for something as simple as a flower to just look like a bloody flower.

But, since your average person doesn't stare at flowers thinking, "Turn into a flower, you bastard," I figured it probably wasn't helping, and - I must stress, with the help of some CBT techniques - learned to stop those thoughts before they spiralled out of control.

If you're wondering - from realising my mistake, to starting to re-experience 'being myself', probably took about six weeks.


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## Guest (Oct 15, 2014)

amylouise12 said:


> Hi everyone.. I've been suffering with Depersonalization/Emotional numbness now for about 3 years, I'm 19 and it all started when I gave up smoking weed after 2 years straight I woke up the next morning and everything looked different, hazy.. like I was in a dream so I researched about it on the internet and came upon this site
> 
> My family knew something wasn't right and I later went into mental health support system in the UK and was diagnosed by a psychologist who specialized in dissociative disorders and she told me that it was the brains natural defense mechanism to stress, I've tried medications and talking therapy but nothing seemed to really shift it. I'm lucky to have had the support of my family but nobody in the medical industry really has a clue about this disorder and I'm just wondering how people are coping with the emotional numbness? for me it's not really a blanket of feeling unreal anymore but more that I've become so numb and disorientated in my thinking, acting that generally I just feel like a walking ghost that I don't know how to go up from here, like when I see people saying that you need to 'find' yourself in the midst of this I'm sat here thinking how? I don't feel like a human being..


I agree with what the psychologist said about the dissociative disorders being a 'natural defence against stress'&#8230; at least in most cases anyway. That's the premise I've worked on with therapists, and looking at dissociation like that has given me a very solid platform from which to work.. with lots of success I might add.

So with that in mind&#8230; You've mentioned you feel emotionally numb. (I've had this too btw, often. Complete numbness. Nothing there at all.) So the question is, what is it that stressed you out and made your mind go into protection mode (detaching your emotions from your consciousness)? Quitting smoking pot can easily do that. That can stress you for sure. Maybe there're other stressful things in your life as well? If you can identify what's made you switch into this protection mode, then your halfway to resolving it. Knowledge is incredibly powerful with this disorder. If you know why you react in certain ways (going numb for instance) then you can start to find ways to reduce the stress in your life and hence the numbness.

Does that make sense?


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## amylouise12 (Oct 9, 2014)

Yes, perfect sense. Although I can't see any major stressors in my life 'now' 3 years ago before I got dissociated I remember how it happened ect and had a lot of childhood trauma but it's so difficult to recognize what is causing the numbness when I never get a break inbetween of feeling anything.. like I literally never am not 'numb' and it's not like blunted feelings.. I can't feel hugs, recall any prior memories in my life, feel love.. nothing. I'm just 110% numb. So it's really frustrating when I read stuff of neuroplasticity, emotional therapy ect.. because


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## amylouise12 (Oct 9, 2014)

I know healing is possible but I can't access any of my memories or emotions in order to drag it out :/ if that makes sense. That's why I worry so much about the numbness I think... I seem to think I've overly blocked my emotions out to a point where I can't feel at all, like I 'know' that I had a very traumatic childhood, teenage life but for the life of me can't remember any events although 'I know' there were tons.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

If you had a traumatic childhood at least you can understand where dp comes from. Some of us have no idea


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## seafoamneon (Jul 16, 2014)

Midnight said:


> If you had a traumatic childhood at least you can understand where dp comes from. Some of us have no idea


The trauma that causes DP is usually emotional abuse that's very hard to catch when it happens because we end up feeling confused about ourselves.


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## Guest (Oct 16, 2014)

amylouise12 said:


> I know healing is possible but I can't access any of my memories or emotions in order to drag it out :/ if that makes sense. That's why I worry so much about the numbness I think... I seem to think I've overly blocked my emotions out to a point where I can't feel at all, like I 'know' that I had a very traumatic childhood, teenage life but for the life of me can't remember any events although 'I know' there were tons.


Sometimes the traumatic memories are 'hidden' from us b/c we're not ready to deal them yet. Our minds have an amazing ability to protect us from being overwhelmed and this is one way it can achieve that, (to dissociate the memories from our consciousness) . You'll most likely find when working through old traumatic memories that you only get little chunks at a time to work on. You process a little bit, get a bit of a break, then something else comes up to process.. At least that's typically what happens..

Dissociative people can't rush this process. It has to happen naturally. B/c if we rush into it, or a therapists pushes too hard, it can re-traumatise and we dissociate deeper and deeper in order to protect ourselves.. You have be gentle doing this work. Let YOUR body regulate how much to bite off at a time, not what some trauma therapist thinks!

amylouise.. the numb feeling is horrible, there's no doubt about it. But it WILL pass as soon as the stress in your life (whether it's stress from traumatic memories or everyday life) starts to back off a bit. Being numb is like a gauge really. It's showing you you're very stressed even if you can't see that right now. It's really common not to be able to see it until you've moved through it&#8230;


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