# 5 years...



## mrworried (Oct 4, 2010)

I realized today that 3 weeks ago I turned 21 years old. It all started when I was 16. That means that it's been five years, five very long years. It's a quarter of my life. For a whole quarter of my life I couldn't be myself, and since a week it's showing on the outside as well.

This week i've turned really depressed. I realized I fell in love with a 41 year old woman, and we have been close together. No intercourse yet, but what I realized was that the feeling in me is still real. But I see the outside world so vague these days, so vague and distant, that I don't fully realize it when she's in front of me. This hurts her feelings alot... She told me I look distant, that she doesn't feel me there when i'm still actually there right in front of her. This shocked me since you all know, this is how we feel inside all the time. Now it shows on the outside. This has made her cry, and I can't rescue what we had, it was real love even though we had 20 years of age difference. I felt that she understood me, and I certainly understood her.

It made me realize that this is not going to work. First of all I have this disorder and it screws up my school carreer. Even though the age difference is big, I love her, and yet I cannot show it, and therefore I will probably never be able to initiate a healthy sexlife.

All of it is too much, for the first time in my life I don't see any point in life. I'm starting to wonder more and more often if life is real at all... If it's not an illusion, that the world doesn't even exist. And these thoughts make me crazy, they consume me... No I will never kill myself, never will I go that low. But sometimes, yes I wish I hadn't been born. I really do, if just 1 other spermcell had been in front of me I would have never known that I could have existed at all.

This is my rant, thank you for reading.


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Welcome to the forum.

What happened at 16 when this started? Do you know the cause of your DP/DR?


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## mrworried (Oct 4, 2010)

I was a happy kid, fairly shy, but happy and social. When I was 8 I hit my head really hard on my knee when doing a somersault. I fainted... Ever since then I have had regular panic attacks, some were so bad that I ran into my moms afraid that the world would flip upside down, or that the floor under my feet would vanish. Stuff like that.

This continued untill I needed surgery when I was 16. I was afraid the Anaesthetics would kill me, I was convinced it would be my last day to live. I have convinced myself for this for half a year. Then 1 month before I actually took the surgery, I drank my first alcohol. Nobody told me I was drinking too much, I had 5 beers in 15 minutes. I drank it like coke, but even faster. Then instead of going drunk I went into a major panic attack, the biggest I've ever had. I fell on the floor and didn't know the difference between left and right, I couldn't even get up anymore. My classmates thought I was having a seizure. My mom picked up, she told me I was just drunk.

The next day I realized I was different, and I told people. They said I was just hungover. But the day after, and the day after, and the day after, it kept this way. Like there's a camera in the back of my head, and I don't have wide perihperal vision. It's a tunnel, a very deep deep tunnel. Sounds sound as if my ears were microphones in the corner of a room. I can't focus on conversations, I hear everything in the room. My focus is completely gone, and psychologistst diagnosed me with ADD. Well trust me, I don't have ADD. Before I was a straight A student, top of class. Now i'm a wreck...

That's how it started. I'm a man of extremes, I went to New York to do exorcitions while I live in Holland. I went to China to meditate with buddhist monks. But nothing helps... Nothing, absolutely nothing. I have literally travelled the world to change it. I thought that maybe it's part of culture. That my biological evolved brain can't cope with 'culture' and not being in nature. Therefore I will go to Africa on a safari and a trip through the jungle. All for the hope that I can connect to reality again, but actually? I doubt that I will ever have a sudden click back to reality. My brain is just destroyed, even if I recover my cognitive abilities will never be as good as they were since they didn't have the proper exercise that it needed for 5 years.

Yes, it sucks...

PS: good news, the woman in my first post emailed me, she can forgive me. She wants to see me again, I hope i'm a good enough actor to hide why I looked so distant...

EDIT: also I always focus on my breathing, my heart rate, my scoliosis (google it). Being aware of these things too much makes me unaware of my surroundings. Sometimes I meditate hard, and then I feel real... I have done it for 3 months in a row 2 hours a day. And that helped, but it didn't cure. I think it will really never go away. Even not thinking about it doesnt work. I have used elastics to snap myself when i'm having a panic attack to condition myself that panic attacks are wrong. But it doesn't work...


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

Do you photos from this time period? I think if you look at old photos it may make you feel better because you may realize that you have been yourself this whole time







Also maybe look through old possessions.


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## mrworried (Oct 4, 2010)

babybowrain said:


> Do you photos from this time period? I think if you look at old photos it may make you feel better because you may realize that you have been yourself this whole time
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's funny that you're telling me this. Indeed, I found an old book in which you write (i dont know what you call it, but in schools you have a book, and something to write stuff in). Well I found one that I had when I was 12.

I can tell you this: I was a magnificent writer. The humour is unbelievable, I've been told more often that I write well. But I can see it in my 12 year old self as well







. Seriously, it's funny as hell. It made me feel good, and it gave me a genuine laugh, which doesn't happen too often anymore.

Photo's? No


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## ihavetomakethis (Dec 23, 2010)

mrworried, i give you my respect, i am just like you.... i try everything..... im even planning to go to like gran canaria just for the sun and stuff maybe it helps.... so many ppl dont try do even do a shit about it , i try all i can, I NEVER say " no i cant go on that party " just because my dp sucks .... with it does all the time.. i stopd tobacco, drinking coca cola , no more weed ( with triggerd it , ofc ) etc etc, i do all i still did i try try so hard to be the same old funny me who never is sad, i make jokes and im the " clown " in school. But nothing works ...................anyway you have my full respect, i dont give a shit about ppl not trying to do anything( Yeah im takling about ppl on this site) just whining. 100 % respect you get from me, i relate so bad


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

mrworried said:


> I was a happy kid, fairly shy, but happy and social. When I was 8 I hit my head really hard on my knee when doing a somersault. I fainted... Ever since then I have had regular panic attacks, some were so bad that I ran into my moms afraid that the world would flip upside down, or that the floor under my feet would vanish. Stuff like that.
> 
> This continued untill I needed surgery when I was 16. I was afraid the Anaesthetics would kill me, I was convinced it would be my last day to live. I have convinced myself for this for half a year. Then 1 month before I actually took the surgery, I drank my first alcohol. Nobody told me I was drinking too much, I had 5 beers in 15 minutes. I drank it like coke, but even faster. Then instead of going drunk I went into a major panic attack, the biggest I've ever had. I fell on the floor and didn't know the difference between left and right, I couldn't even get up anymore. My classmates thought I was having a seizure. My mom picked up, she told me I was just drunk.
> 
> ...


*I hit my head really hard on my knee when doing a somersault. I fainted&#8230; regular panic attacks*

It is hard to know if this became a conditioned response or a mild injury (I tend to view the latter)

*My classmates thought I was having a seizure.*

Aside from being so effected by confusion (*difference between left and right, I couldn't even get up anymore*), was there anything else that made your friends think of seizure?

*I don't have wide peripheral vision*

Is this 'tunnel vision' still a problem? Do you startle easily from movements in your peripheral visual field?

*All for the hope that I can connect to reality again, but actually? I doubt that I will ever have a sudden click back to reality. My brain is just destroyed, even if I recover my cognitive abilities will never be as good as they were since they didn't have the proper exercise that it needed for 5 years.*

Some good news here. I was told by my first neurologist that so much time had passed that it was not possible for my nervous system to repair. HE WAS WRONG. Most of my symptoms are 75% better. It just took finding the right things to help.

Have you had (or take) any medications?


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