# 5 years free of DPDR and it’s back again...



## jen1017 (Dec 22, 2008)

As the title says, after 5 years of being DPDR free it has come back. I'm really annoyed and upset that I'm in this mental state again.

I can live with most of the awful feeling for the most part, but what is keeping me feeling like I'm going nuts or that I'll never be better is the following:

- the feeling that my days don't link together and that every morning I wake up I feel as though I've just become conscious for the first time. It takes a while to feel like I'm actually a real person after waking up.

- not quite feeling like myself like maybe I'be lost myself somewhere

Does anyone else have these feelings? The first one is most bothersome and I've never really seen many ppl describe that as a symptom so it's the one that worries me the most.

I'm sure these symptoms may seem mild to some of you, but they frighten me.


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## lost235 (Sep 13, 2020)

Hi! I would say that symptom is pretty normal, I’ve definitely experienced it before. Right now I’m feeling more like the opposite, like my days are blending together. But I wouldn’t say you have anything to worry about if you think it would be something else. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this again after 5 years, has anything happened in your life for you to be feeling this way? This year has been rough on all of us, might be your brain catching up on that something is wrong.


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## Findmywayhome (Oct 11, 2020)

yes yes and yes. Everytime I wake up it feels like I have completely forgotten my existence and I have just been incarnated into my body, time and space feel like an illusion, all that good trippy stuff. If im being honest I more or less feel that way 24/7, but it is WAY worse in the morning. Today I went to bed pretty late, and then I slept in, so I am superr spaced out as im writing this. It's horrible.

And I also feel like ive completely lost myself.

Did you have these symptoms when you first got DP five years ago?


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## jen1017 (Dec 22, 2008)

lost235 said:


> Hi! I would say that symptom is pretty normal, I've definitely experienced it before. Right now I'm feeling more like the opposite, like my days are blending together. But I wouldn't say you have anything to worry about if you think it would be something else. I'm sorry you're experiencing this again after 5 years, has anything happened in your life for you to be feeling this way? This year has been rough on all of us, might be your brain catching up on that something is wrong.


Thanks for the reply. I know how you feel when you say days running together. I get that at times too.

I'm not honestly sure what set it off. This fall I was having more anxiety attacks, but I wasn't overly worried about them because sometimes it just happens. Then in October one of my mom's dogs got really sick and was at the vet hospital and I was really worried about him-enough so that I was not sleeping and cried a few times. It wasn't even my dog, but it just really upset me.

Then, around the same time I got a UTI that weirdly enough set me off into feeling very anxious/almost dpdr feelings. I got meds for it and within a day I felt better, but then somehow the constant anxiety and existential thoughts and thinking came back setting me into this constant state of hyper awareness and just not feeling right.

I'm just worried now that maybe I'll never be DPDR free again, even though I know I beat it in the past.


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## jen1017 (Dec 22, 2008)

Findmywayhome said:


> yes yes and yes. Everytime I wake up it feels like I have completely forgotten my existence and I have just been incarnated into my body, time and space feel like an illusion, all that good trippy stuff. If im being honest I more or less feel that way 24/7, but it is WAY worse in the morning. Today I went to bed pretty late, and then I slept in, so I am superr spaced out as im writing this. It's horrible.
> 
> And I also feel like ive completely lost myself.
> 
> Did you have these symptoms when you first got DP five years ago?


Thanks for replying. I don't want to say I'm happy that you can relate, but more so, I'm relieved that this feeling isn't only specific to myself. Weirdly enough, when I woke up this morning I didn't really have the feeling as badly.

My first bout of DPDR started over 10 years ago (2008) and I had it on and off for about 6 years. Then somehow I got free of it for about 5 years, where I had zero symptoms and hardly any anxiety at all.

I do feel like I remember having a similar feeling of this before. I think I had written it somewhere. I remember feeling very alien waking up each morning. It was just as distressing then as it is now.


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## Nightwish (Apr 28, 2012)

I can definitely relate to the symptoms... My DP is back again, I don't feel real, I want to get better as well, I have trouble remembering myself..


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## jen1017 (Dec 22, 2008)

Nightwish said:


> I can definitely relate to the symptoms... My DP is back again, I don't feel real, I want to get better as well, I have trouble remembering myself..


Yeah I'm feeling a bit better but the last few days I've had really bad existential and intrusive thoughts.

I thought that I must have gone crazy and what I was experiencing was myself as a hallucination. But I know that's not true cause everything around me is normal.

I also keep having thoughts of unreality.

I've been trying my best to accept the thoughts and let them come and just tell myself that these are anxious thoughts. It's difficult when they're hard to prove wrong.


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