# Old Story of Recovery, but may help some



## WOlscamp (Aug 16, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I've posted my story of how I recovered from moderate to severe DP/DR almost 6 years ago now. It contains a lot of helpful information and has helped others in the past (as a tool and as information, not as a cure!), but please believe me when I say I've gone over this story hundreds of times in my head and have done my best to weed out my own biases and irrelevant factors so that it can best help anyone who is looking through this community for information. I've also done my best to put myself back into the symptoms. I remember how frustrating it was getting advice from people who had never experienced it because they just had no idea how unfreakingbelievably bad it was. In no way should this replace medical advice. The post is long, I apologize.

When I was younger I had what could be called a traumatic childhood, with instances of emotional abuse but never physical or sexual. However, the emotional abuse, which is best described as constantly (from before my first memories) living on the edge of my seat in what was a powder-keg of anger in my household, was certainly significant as far as self-confidence, social development and substance abuse is concerned. At 14 I got into a final fight with my father and went to live with my uncle, only to have the household returned in full about a year later. Things got a bit better, but during this time I suffered a collapsed lung for which I had to have unanesthasized surgery in which the pain was so bad I blacked out during the procedure, and also a testicular tortion which resulted in a necrotic testicle (perhaps the most painful experience immaginable over the course of 4 months). Needless to say I have a decent resume of traumatic physical, social and emotional experiences.

2 Years later I was already into drinking and drugs (luckily only marijuana at this point). It was becoming clear even to me I had a massive anxiety disorder (nocturnal panic attacks occured frequently at this point) and constant social anxiety. I have a family history on both sides of schizophrenia, OCD, ADD, Bipolar disorder and addictive personalities. Normal social things such as rejection from females, friends, my own appearance and mannerisms were consuming a huge chunk of me. I smoked weed once a week or so, and quickly learned that I could get "too high". More than one bong or hit on a joint would undoubtedly result in a panic attack, what I describe as a "focus-free panic" - in that I was scared of nothing tangible, just gripped with terror as in my nocturnal panic attacks.

One night when I was 16 I ended up achieving one of these panic attacks while smoking with my friends, by now I was used to them and would just ride it out, though they were horrifying. The next morning I woke up, in a haze as I usually do after smoking weed. I jumped in the shower, turned on the water and then realized something was wrong. What I came to know as the "classic" symptoms of DP/DR were there, fluctuating (though my own focus on certain ones is perhaps the better way to explain their fluctuation). In order of the most disturbing to the least, they were: 
(1) Feeling as though between my cone of vision and me was a veil, a glass or it was a movie screen, I think I best described this once as "feeling as though my own thoughts were a TV show, and I was so focused in it that I did not notice the events going on in my peripheral vision -- which in this case represents everything outside of my 'head' 
(2) The feeling that situations which I recognized as emotionally charged did not resonate at all with me, even things as minute as furniture I had grown up around did not seem familiar, and horrifyingly, personal connections to friends and family members felt strange
(3) Visual distortions in which I felt as though I lost depth perception, despite the fact that these would occasionally occur on the basketball court and I could continue playing at a high intensity if I could keep my composure which is obviously not possible without depth perception. This most frequently presented to me as the feeling that objects in the distance were incredibly far away and flat.
(4) Talking in my own head. By this I mean I could no longer simply have thoughts that were sensational, rather I felt I constantly had a dialogue with myself in my head or my thoughts had to be put into language before I could understand them (both voices completely controlled by me, I have seen specialists to rule this out as a symptom of schizophrenia or anything else).
(5) Depression, like many of you know, paradoxical as you are constantly sad but feel that you cannot experience real emotion. This would be highlighted by bouts of crying over the condition itself.
(6) The feeling that I existed in an independent space, and that my interactions were not direct, that they had to be filtered through some other medium in order to be received by friends, family and even objects (I do not mean this in any spiritual or superstitious sense).
(7) Numerous other things that I would have then described as separate symptoms, but upon reflection and having since gone through periods with and without DP.DR, I believe they were all connected to the above in some way.
(







The only positive to come out of it -- my nocturnal and waking panic attacks ceased completely.

From then on, it was constant visits to GPs, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Endocrinologists and Neurologists. All with no answers, no diagnosis of DP/DR, but instead my family history led them to diagnose me with a psychotic disorder... nothing concrete, just the psychiatrist's opinion that I was on my way to becoming like my brother (who has essentially all of our families' mental health traits). I was put on Seroquil and Zoloft. This didn't work, Seroquil shut down the few pleasures of the mind I could still enjoy with dp.dr (I eventually got used to reading books with two voices narrating simultaneously, and then seroquil destroyed my ability to process). I came off it, and self-diagnosed with dp.dr after finding internet communities of similar cases. I switched psychiatrists and presented a case explaining why I didnt need anti-psychotics, and requested Clonazepam. I got it. The clonazepam helped to relieve me of worrying about my symptoms, but the symptoms still stayed. Later I went on to a drug called Trileptal, which some online communities had had positive results with, but did nothing for me. I gave up, went into a positive form of denial. By that I mean I admitted my condition to everyone I had kept it from, joked about it (called it "video-game world" to my friends who I used to game with as a kid") and decided that like a lost limb, it was a disability that I could live with, and did my best to start expecting what would cause me to become aware of the symptoms so I could brace myself for the constant re-realization of my state of mind. Changes in light, bright colors, social encounters and situations that required me to be very focused, and I started heading them off at the pass by anticipating them and ignoring them when they occured (watching tv, reading books, playing sports, day dreaming were the primary ones). Life sucked, but it moved on. This was the start of my last year of high school.

Mid-way through my final year -- still on clonazepam -- I decided to screw university and go teach English in China. That gave me something to hope for, and ironically perhaps it was only possible BECAUSE of the dp.dr -- when your hopes and dreams feel disconnected from you, it is diffuclt to gauge how ludicrous or sensible they are. I left my small hometown when I was 18 and flew to Beijing with $200 Canadian (I had never been on a plane or out of the country). When I landed, I was still in a state of mind where I constantly tried to negate feelings of dp.dr, so practiced was I that it was natural. A few weeks in, I woke up, expecting as usual to be faced with another day of watching the events of my life unfold on a screen, but I wouldn't have to as I felt for the first time in 2 and a half years that I was connected to the world. It was small, and at first I overthought it, trying to coax myself more and more into it and getting upset when I would slip back into more severe dp.dr. I eventually just decided "I can take the back and forth, as long as I get some good days". From then on the good days became more frequent, until they were permanent, with the exception of times when I still do drugs, and 2 periods of over a week where I experienced constant dp.dr. They were scary, but they passed.

I never went in for a followup with any physician, I have never mentioned it since that morning to anyone. I often forget I ever had it. I continued to teach english in China for 2 years, moved to Australia for a year, finally came home and went to university, and returned in June this summer from backpacking South America. I still have anxiety issues, extreme ones surrounding medical conditions, but I have learned to keep those in check and only use Clonazepam as a rescue pill. I'm terrible with romantic relationships, I've had something like 15 girlfriends in 5 years, none lasting more than 3 months, but I believe thoroughly that that is due to a loveless home as a child, related to dp.dr in its root, not as a cause.

As for a hypothesis concerning the genesis of my disease of mind, it's pretty stock-standard stuff on the internet and literature surrounding dp.dr now. Constant exposure to stress and axiety as a child coupled with predisposition to a number of mental illnesses (some evident and others perhaps less so) led to a full-on anxiety disorder, which caused a panic disoder, which was exacerbated but drug-induced anxiety-attacks leading to a PTSD-type reaction, causing a defensive psychological reaction in which my brain just said "screw it, I'm detaching myself from this shitstorm". Obviously none of that is medical. I have no idea whether the changes someone with dp.dr undergoes is chemical, structural or totally psychological or any combination thereof. I fully believe though -- having worked with many veterans -- that it is related to PTSD. However, whereas PTSD is associated with a single, intensly disturbing episode (though symptoms of PTSD can include general dp.dr), I believe dp.dr is a similar phenomenon related to constant exposure to stressful or disturbing situations. Without a well-defined event of occurence for your mind to react to as in PTSD, dp.dr numbs you out in general to avoid sustaining any more stress. It is the immune-system of the mind so-to-speak. Obviously, both nature and nurture contribute to individuals' likelihood of developing dp.dr, so like all other mental illnesses it is incredibly difficult to identify and address.

My hope and my heart go out to anyone who is living with dp.dr. I know how shitty life is when you can never escape the symptoms. But you should have tremendous hope and always make ceaseless effort to defeat it. My advice, to be used with your own intuition, knowledge and the help of professionals is the following: learn to identify your symptoms of dp.dr. Once you know them, learn to accept them as a disease, never for a moment believe that this is the new you. When you do that, when you accept that you have a terrible mental hindrance, begin to learn to live your life in spite of it. I know this sounds like bad advice -- I always remember reading stuff like this and thinking "how can I possibly learn to 'live with it'? it's robbed me of everything, even the tools I need to beat it". You can't just "pretend like I don't feel like I don't know my own mother", or you can't "feel engaged when there is a wall between me and everything around me." However, what you can do is begin to indentify all these things as part of the disease, and embrace it. Once you have defined the disease, you can put it in a little box so to speak. Leave it there, and when you feel overwhelmed by it, just point to the box and tell yourself that's what you're feeling, this disease isn't a part of you, you just have it. Once you accept that you have it, you can start to live beneath it. Then, continue to live your life, don't let it prevent you from doing anything. Take special care of hopes and ambitions, as I believe the fulfillment of these things truly flicked that switch back on in my brain as it recognized "hey, it's not over, you can still do things with these disease", and upon that realization, the brain starts to turn off the defenses it has put up. Recognize the cycle you go through: you feel the symptoms, you worry about the symptoms, you feel them more, you worry more, etc etc. Also look to identify other thigns such as depression and anxiety as they occur along with dp.dr, do not just mix them together as this makes the beast even scarier. Don't ever sit there pondering them negatively, even when you feel like they have complete dominion over you, go spit in their faces and do something else and ignore them. Don't brood, and don't worry (clonazepam can really help with the latter). Don't expect them to go away overnight, or in a week or 2. It will take time, but eventually I believe almost everyone will go through periods where they regain some minor connection to the world, even something as small as a taste of food where the message gets through. Seize these and work with them. That's all I got.

Best of luck.

W.O


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## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

Thank you.



> never for a moment believe that this is the new you


And for awhile I have. My therapist said that "maybe the old you is gone and you should get used to being a changed, new person" It shocked me, horrified me. I grieve the death of me.


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## Dyna (May 13, 2010)

Thanks for sharing your story. It's always great to hear recovery stories. Can I just ask you to clarify: Are you staying accept hat you have a disability and work around it as opposed to just accepting this is a defense mechanism. Also I can relate so much to your chilkdhood situation, can you tell me how long you had DP for? ~Finally, am I correct in saying that the only med you found helpful was Clonazepam. Thanks, Dyna


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## WOlscamp (Aug 16, 2010)

To Bear:


> I grieve the death of me.


I think this thought runs through the head of everyone who has dp.dr, perhaps not as poetically but it shows up in some permutation. I know you weren't asking for advice here, but I find that to be a very scary thought and one that couldn't be further from the truth. The worst part about 'mental illnesses' in general, and dp.dr specifically, is that they subsist on the very mechanism that will eventually cure you of them. I remember feeling the same sense of regret, that I had taken the normal functioning of my mind for granted. I never knew how many automated processes were involved in what made up "me". But there is something deeper than the faculties that dp.dr affects, I guess you could call it the core of the self. If you're able to bemoan the loss of 'yourself', you've created your own little paradox. All your independent "free-will" or "automonous" functions are still there, you've just lost some of the automatic functions that guided them. Just as you lost them, you can get them back... dp.dr is so complicated because of how specific it is to the person -- the underlying causes, the symptoms, your reactions to them -- all individualized. That's why all the advice you get about dp.dr is so general, everyone who's recovered can't give a step-by-step how to. You have to figure your own way out, sometimes with only platitudes and little phrases of advice that leave you thinking "this means nothing to me". Face and acclimatize to your anxieties, related to dp.dr and not, and then start to work through them. I'm sorry if that seems general and useless, but you'll get it eventually.

To Dyna:
First, the meds -- Zoloft, the anti-depressent I went on early may have helped. As I said, I think a lot of how I recovered from dp.dr had to do with my new ability to deal with and confront anxieties. In fact, I would say that since recovering I have become both more sensitive to other peoples anxieties, and rock-solid in confronting my own though they get me from time to time. That change began when I started coming out of dp.dr. But yea, Clonazepam was the only drug that I could identify as having a positive effect on my condition, that may be due to the fact that it was an immediate, and short acting drug, and god knows when you're in a heavy fog of dp.dr you probably wouldnt notice long term effects of something like an SSRI. As I said, though, all Clonazepam did was relieve some anxiety, but I think that little bit was key.

I had dp.dr for 2 and a half years solid, with about another year of lingering symptoms while I would say I was "recovering".

Accepting it as either a disability or a defense mechanism isn't really important (in my opinion). I think the important part is that you think of it as something independent of yourself. Believing, as I said "that this is the new you" moves you away from hope and the truth, and is the biggest single component of the cyclical anxiety involved in the disease. Call it what you want to call it, visualize it, conceptualize it as something separate from you (be sure, it IS separate) and I think that begins to grow the surface you need to start understanding how to beat the disorder on your own. Eventually you will start to feel pleasures and feelings despite the disease and then you can begin to grow them. You grow them until one day they're big enough that the disorder can't hold them in any more and that little switch gets flicked back on.


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## septimus (Jun 1, 2010)

WOlscamp said:


> To Bear:
> 
> I think this thought runs through the head of everyone who has dp.dr, perhaps not as poetically but it shows up in some permutation. I know you weren't asking for advice here, but I find that to be a very scary thought and one that couldn't be further from the truth. The worst part about 'mental illnesses' in general, and dp.dr specifically, is that they subsist on the very mechanism that will eventually cure you of them. I remember feeling the same sense of regret, that I had taken the normal functioning of my mind for granted. I never knew how many automated processes were involved in what made up "me". But there is something deeper than the faculties that dp.dr affects, I guess you could call it the core of the self. If you're able to bemoan the loss of 'yourself', you've created your own little paradox. All your independent "free-will" or "automonous" functions are still there, you've just lost some of the automatic functions that guided them. Just as you lost them, you can get them back... dp.dr is so complicated because of how specific it is to the person -- the underlying causes, the symptoms, your reactions to them -- all individualized. That's why all the advice you get about dp.dr is so general, everyone who's recovered can't give a step-by-step how to. You have to figure your own way out, sometimes with only platitudes and little phrases of advice that leave you thinking "this means nothing to me". Face and acclimatize to your anxieties, related to dp.dr and not, and then start to work through them. I'm sorry if that seems general and useless, but you'll get it eventually.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much.


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## Dyna (May 13, 2010)

Ditto, thank you so much!! I wish you every success in life and really appreciate you taking the time out to write these wonderful inspiring posts, that have hit me to the core. Again Thank You. Dyna


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