# Somewhat paralyzed...



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

So I just joined the site, not too coherent right now, been reading posts here for a while. Had a very traumatic (though it felt valuable somehow) self dissolution/ego death/merging with my surroundings experience from cannabis back in early October, woke up with dpdr (assumed it would go away in the night, didn't :-/). I think something to do with time perception is definitely involved. Since then I've been very easily pushed into dissociation with even the slightest anxiety (driving, etc.) it felt like it was improving, then it got worse until i became completely stuck in the present, had trouble reading, (would see the wrong words, no concentration, etc. i've always loved reading and this was scary). Thought i had some kind of horrible neurodegenerative disease (lack of recall of things i thought i knew, although it would come eventually, usually), balance was off, ringing in ears, vertigo, extreme muscle tension, lack of any sense of self. So went to ER, they gave me ativan, which dulled things a bit but didnt really help all that much. Managed to see a psychiatrist and get some klonopin (lexapro too) much more helpful, but was resistant to taking it at first, for fear of dependence etc...

Got blood tests done, no results yet..., but it feels so physical, lots of pain in jaw and arms, legs, muscle in forearms contract in the night, wake up hands are 'claw like'

This is stupid, I am completely non functional like this...

Sorry for run on sentences, don't really know how to finish this properly (silly anxious me)
there's the dump anyway
thanks

Patrick


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

I suppose i should clarify, when i say cannabis i don't exactly blame it solely. If 'blame' is even an appropriate word to use, a lot of extremely stressful things happened to me in the year leading up to this. But now it feels that there's this direct loop in my brain between my amygdala and my autonomic (sympathetic) nervous system that completely bypasses any conscious filter esp driving, in stores etc. it's so hard to project any actual self through it, and what I describe as panic attacks feel more like partial seizures, it's like an absence state or something, a feeling that i am not controlling my body yet it is somehow still functioning (and the darkness closing in around the edges of my vision, ugh). Can't drink coffee any more either... Get exhausted really quickly when i skate now, and feel chest pain easily (and arm) although i know that's anxiety. A sensation that i might at any moment just 'forget' how to walk or speak.


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

For the first weeks there was no inner dialogue at all, like you know how there is usually a conversation between your perceptions and your reactions to those perceptions, just gone...
then it came back but it felt like i wasn't exactly controlling it...
so there were sense perceptions, and thoughts, but no I relating the two
This makes everything feel disorienting and impossible though
hence paralysed,


----------



## Guest (Jan 15, 2011)

> Got blood tests done, no results yet..., *but it feels so physical, lots of pain in jaw and arms, legs, muscle in forearms contract in the night, wake up hands are 'claw like'*


This could be a side effect of certain medications. Are you on anything? When I went to the mental hospital back in October of 2009, they gave me Perphenazine, which worked and still works amazing for my other symptoms (not dp). But while I was there my muscles tightened up, I had lock jaw, and my feet and hands curled up, so bad that I was walking on the sides of my feet for like 15 minutes. Until then I told them about my problem (still in the hospital). And they gave me a shot of Cogentin (Benztropine), which made the muscle tightness go away. Now I take it every day with my Perphenazine. *You may need to get on Cogentin!* They told me there that if it went unchecked it could become permanent!


----------



## Guest (Jan 15, 2011)

resinoptes said:


> For the first weeks there was no inner dialogue at all, like you know how there is usually a conversation between your perceptions and your reactions to those perceptions, just gone...
> then it came back but it felt like i wasn't exactly controlling it...
> so there were sense perceptions, and thoughts, but no I relating the two
> This makes everything feel disorienting and impossible though
> hence paralysed,


I have this same problem. My mind feels blank and void of any inner dialogue and has been this way for 7 years of 24/7 DPD. I just realized recently that *I may be subconsciously viewing my thoughts as a threat*, thus keeping me locked into this "protective mechanism". And that would explain the blank mind AND 7 years of DP. I don't know for sure though...it's just a thought I've been having.


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Currently on up to 1 mg Klonopin and 10 mg Lexapro...
Klonopin helps with the tension, but i assume tolerance will develop sooner or later
actually i've never been so grateful to a drug in my life as to the klonopin








Lexapro don't notice much, vague usual ssri side effects, taking it on faith mostly
Trying to get a neurological exam done, my dissociations feel simple partial seizure-esque


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Benzatropine's an anticholinergic...
That's funny, like Belladonna







, or Datura
Weird how these things intersect


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Clinic don't want to give me any more klonopin... Big bottle of Lexapro though, they love those SSRIs 
Blood all fine, elevated bilirubin but i don't think that's relevant
Got to find an actual pdoc methinks


----------



## SirDickens. (Dec 14, 2010)

Hi there resinoptes,

I've had pretty similar experience like you did. Also got much physical pain and as well memory impairment. I still have problems with memory and concentration. But was much severe at the beginning (1st month after smoking bud), where I've suffered from extreme deja-vu,nightmares,shallow sleep and insomnia as well. Physically I suffered as well, probably due to lack of sleep and stress and anxiety - I've had head headaches, muscle tension. fatigue (both mental and physical), muscle spasms, twitching and dunno what everything. Not to mention fear of going crazy and other problems which were more "mental" in nature. And jaw pain is common symptom of anxiety. One of the reason is because anxious people have tendency to clench teeth. I've didn't noticed I was doing that, cause that comes naturally but when I payed attention to it I noticed that I sometimes do that.









However. I was on Xanax XR for few weeks to get rid (in portion) of my stress and anxiety, but DP/DR didn't stop at all. Now it's in smaller portion but it's still present.

So...try to eliminate (I still didn't,but maybe should cause I still get twitching - like I smoked all kind of sh** and not only three times pot) physical agents which might cause your problems. And if these are not caused by physical disease (by that I mean your phsyical pain) it might be from severe stress and anxiety.

Take care,
best regards
Bruno.

p.s funny how you mentioned the thing about the anticholinergic and datura.


----------



## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

resinoptes said:


> Clinic don't want to give me any more klonopin... Big bottle of Lexapro though, they love those SSRIs
> Blood all fine, elevated bilirubin but i don't think that's relevant
> Got to find an actual pdoc methinks


*Clinic don't want to give me any more klonopin*

This happens a lot - paranoia about misuse and some concern about developing tolerance though it is unlikely with 1mg (see Dreamer - she has been taking 6mg for over 20 years).

As you feel you have seizure-like problems, see if they will give you Gabapentin - this is somewhat like a benzodiazepine which you already feel help with. It is classified as an anti-seizure medication and considered one of the mildest in its class. It is often used for partial seizures.


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Acually made a lemon balm tincture am using to replace the klonopin as far as possible, lemon balm has rosmarinic acid, which is GABAergic, it's quite helpful. They sell the plants at CVS near me, chop finely, use everclear to extract it (leave a few days then strain).


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Well, just went to get groceries and got really fucked up in safeway, convinced I was losing all my memories, had to have klonopin, sometimes you need a blunt instrument...


----------



## Laurel (Jan 12, 2011)

resinoptes said:


> Benzatropine's an anticholinergic...
> That's funny, like Belladonna
> 
> 
> ...


Hi resinoptes and everyone, I'm new to this site and found your discussion fascinating. I have a question about the combination of weed and DP/anxiety reactions-you spoke of intersection between Belladonna/Datura, and I'd like to add marijuana. At 17, I developed severe paranoia-unnamed and free-floating-when I smoked bud. I'm now 54 and whenever I attempt to try it again, the same thing happens. The feeling is quite physical as well. It's not fear of cops, or people, exactly-it's like a Fellini movie-damn, that ages me! All is unreal and 'fuzzy' somehow. I literally hide in closets-the smaller the better. Safety, I suppose.
I am so glad this site exists. I've been sure that I was very alone in this, and it's soothing to know that this is not the case.


----------



## resinoptes (Jan 15, 2011)

Yes, it's not a fear in the usual sense of the word, more a tottering kind of vacancy, perhaps?
The connection to weed is cos there are cannabinoid receptors concentrated in the amygdala and hippocampus, amygdala=fear and aversive emotions, hippocampus=short term memory. Usually THC reduces neural activity in these areas, but i think it has the potential to somehow disrupt the functioning of the amygdala in particular so there is less control over its activity from other brain areas. So it's paradoxical, cannabis can both cause anxiety and relieve it. But it can combine with external stressful events to create a cascading panic loop that evades any conscious (higher cortical) control, then you become a slave to your sympathetic nervous system=panic attack (although this can also be a mystical experience in the right setting, egodeath etc.). If the anxiety goes beyond a certain level, you start to dissociate, getting stuck in dissociation=dpdr. I'm sure there are lots of posts that explain this more fully around the site, i'm just answering your question as to why cannabis could cause dp, and as to why the anxiety isn't related to any specific cause, it's a self perpetuating loop. If you're 54 that's a long time to be dealing with dpdr, how have you coped with it, it's impressive?


----------

