# All of me is gone



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Not one trace of me is here. I am literally just my body. Is this how you guys feel? My personality, my soul, everything that was me is absent; diminished. I don't talk anymore, I have no will. This isn't mere depression, I am gone.


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## thy (Oct 7, 2015)

I feel the same


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## Anonymity (Jul 8, 2013)

I have been through this during my acute phases of DP. I couldn't talk, and I would go months without saying a word. During that time I wrote in journals, because it was the only way I could express anything.

It is strange to read previous journals I have written, as I no longer really understand who wrote them.

But, maybe an excerpt from a past journal can resonate with you and perhaps I can be a glimmer of hope, as this lifelessness does get better.

'This certain mindset that has become established isn't depression, it doesn't even include a dominant significance of humanity, let alone the feelings of a person. I have become such a spiritual essence that the human body I am bound to feels like a burden of responsibility, and I struggle trying to maintain the human part of me every minute of every day.'

It does get better over time, and eventually you will be able to stay proactive in your mission to recovery.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I get better and I think I am ok and then it happens again. I don't know which is worse. Being teased with hope or the dp itself.


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## eyeholes (Nov 24, 2015)

yep, everything. mind and body. think about suicide on a daily basis, honestly don't know whats keeping me alive at this point.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

It's nice to meet "you"


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

Sounds like severe depression with DPDR, which is much worse than mere depression. Hopefully it is just a bad phase of the depression, and you will come out of it? Please return and post how you are doing.


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## Lee29 (Dec 20, 2015)

I'm in this phase of depersonalization actually

I'm really losing it, I'm shaking, scared of becoming crazy but I can't even feel it's anxiety.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Surfer Rosa said:


> Sounds like severe depression with DPDR, which is much worse than mere depression. Hopefully it is just a bad phase of the depression, and you will come out of it? Please return and post how you are doing.


Really hard day. The holidays were tough too. Feeling stressed as I try to find work while living like this.

So you think I am suffering from depression that is causing the DP or is the DP causing the depression?


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

There is no human presence in my body whatsoever much less mine. Am I dead? Did I die? What is this piece of shit disease? Does it go away for good?

You guys how are you doing this???


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## Lee29 (Dec 20, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> There is no human presence in my body whatsoever much less mine. Am I dead? Did I die? What is this piece of shit disease? Does it go away for good?
> 
> You guys how are you doing this???


No, I feel the same, gets better the less anxious I am.


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## Allez (Apr 10, 2013)

Seriously, you need to stop drinking coffee.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Allez said:


> Seriously, you need to stop drinking coffee.


Hey dude I hardly drink any coffee and oh is that going to do it for me? Just stop drinking coffee? What's your deal?


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## Allez (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm sort of teasing, but caffeine can definitely increase anxiety in people that are prone to it. Cutting caffeine could help lower your symptoms and make you feel less like a floating awareness, and more connected with your body.

It also requires practice of concentration and awareness to become more connected with your body. Anger will only make this worse in the long run. Treat yourself with some compassion and I think you will see some positive results.

Also, diet and sleep are important in feeling less like this. Both of these can contribute to brain fog.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Allez said:


> I'm sort of teasing, but caffeine can definitely increase anxiety in people that are prone to it. Cutting caffeine could help lower your symptoms and make you feel less like a floating awareness, and more connected with your body.
> 
> It also requires practice of concentration and awareness to become more connected with your body. Anger will only make this worse in the long run. Treat yourself with some compassion and I think you will see some positive results.
> 
> Also, diet and sleep are important in feeling less like this. Both of these can contribute to brain fog.


I already know all of this and practice it. However it's not helping.


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## Augustana (Jan 3, 2016)

Everyone else has summed it up, it gets better. You learn to live with the disconnection, and learn new ways of looking and deal with things. Your in a new perspective and most likely will learn/think things different as prior to this experience. Deep down you will always know your inner-ness, whether it feels connected to your body or not. Allow yourself time, like anything in life time is the only thing that will save you.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I want some one looking out of my eyes again. I want my soul. My personality. I can't understand what is going on and why I can't be in the world.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Augustana said:


> Everyone else has summed it up, it gets better. You learn to live with the disconnection, and learn new ways of looking and deal with things. Your in a new perspective and most likely will learn/think things different as prior to this experience. Deep down you will always know your inner-ness, whether it feels connected to your body or not. Allow yourself time, like anything in life time is the only thing that will save you.


I don't quite agree that it gets better over time. You more so learn to live with it maybe but it does not get better. I don't see how you can be so like "oh whatever" about this. Do you understand that I am not experiencing life at all? Nor are several that I speak to. Every day is hell. I want DP to get the hell out of here. It does not belong with any of us.

Talk to some of my friends who have had it for years. It does not get better.


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## Augustana (Jan 3, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I don't quite agree that it gets better over time. You more so learn to live with it maybe but it does not get better. I don't see how you can be so like "oh whatever" about this. Do you understand that I am not experiencing life at all? Nor are several that I speak to. Every day is hell. I want DP to get the hell out of here. It does not belong with any of us.
> 
> Talk to some of my friends who have had it for years. It does not get better.


I've had dp/dr for four years so you cannot assume I dont suffer. I do every single day. Im not "whatever" but Im not arrogant about it. I like to leave myself a little hope in the middle of this all. "Do you understand" that my life has as well been on pause for a long time and I even struggle to leave my house anymore? If I was talking about being better I would make a recovery forum. Im sorry your life is as well a living hell, but you dont have to tell me twice. I experience this just like the next.


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## Allez (Apr 10, 2013)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I don't quite agree that it gets better over time. You more so learn to live with it maybe but it does not get better.


This is simply wrong. I've had DP much worse than I experience it now. If you really believe this, it's no wonder you are seeing no progress. Change will come whether you like it or not; whether it's the desired change or not, you have to roll with it.


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> Hey dude I hardly drink any coffee and oh is that going to do it for me? Just stop drinking coffee? What's your deal?


Uhhh, your name is CoffeeGirl9. Pretty sure he was joking.



CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I don't quite agree that it gets better over time. You more so learn to live with it maybe but it does not get better. I don't see how you can be so like "oh whatever" about this. Do you understand that I am not experiencing life at all? Nor are several that I speak to. Every day is hell. I want DP to get the hell out of here. It does not belong with any of us.
> 
> Talk to some of my friends who have had it for years. It does not get better.


Have you yourself had it for years? (If you haven't, please dont use this argument) I tend to agree with allez, with that attitude nothing is really ever going to change. I've had this for going on 11 years now and yea my attitude sucked at first, maybe thats why it's been this long, but you do learn to cope and find better ways to deal with things rather than the, "Ugh, this is my life, i guess I just sit here an exist". Don't get me wrong every day is a battle, but you either battle, or you give up, its difficult yet so simple.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Jeff said:


> Uhhh, your name is CoffeeGirl9. Pretty sure he was joking.
> 
> great time to joke around.
> 
> Have you yourself had it for years? (If you haven't, please dont use this argument) I tend to agree with allez, with that attitude nothing is really ever going to change. I've had this for going on 11 years now and yea my attitude sucked at first, maybe thats why it's been this long, but you do learn to cope and find better ways to deal with things rather than the, "Ugh, this is my life, i guess I just sit here an exist". Don't get me wrong every day is a battle, but you either battle, or you give up, its difficult yet so simple.


Well first of all you have absolutely no idea how extreme mine is nor do I know either of yours. I am not joking around when I say all of me is gone. I am actually quite bad at this time. That doesn't mean I haven't felt better at times. Let's see this year all while in severe DP/DR where I literally FEEL like I do not exist on this planet... I have not one day not gotten up and gone to work, I have traveled to the Bahamas for work, tried dating, wake boarded, wake surfed, attended several social functions, interviewed for jobs, eat healthy on a daily basis, exercise daily, watched several Netflix series, gone to movies, drove from state to state, had sex, take my prescribed med and supplements. And didn't enjoy ANY of it. Please do not ever question my attitude. You guys have no idea how bad this is for me and yet I still somehow "did" those things while not feeling like I am in my body AT ALL. I am going to be honest with you and say that this week I have thought about ending my life. For me to go there it's bad. I have no idea who or what I am. I don't know ANYTHING or anyone around me. It's as if I truly left the earth. I know those are intense feelings and NOT necessarily the truth but right now it feels like reality to me. DO NOT ever question me and my trying nor my attitude towards this.

Jeff you said something about "ugh this is my life I guess I just sit here and exist." Do you actually feel like you exist because I sure don't. That's my whole point in writing all this. You guys can say whatever you want but I am not in my body and I am trying hard to be present and to make some sort of life here. It's scary as shit.

To answer your question, I have had DP for several years.


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2016)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> Well first of all you have absolutely no idea how extreme mine is nor do I know either of yours.


^^^^Exactly! I was going to add that to my last post, because it seemed you were going there, but if you arent, great. There will be no battles of "whose dp is worse" on this site.

Just look at all the things you've done, you know how many people this year haven't left the house, from this site alone? I mean you can say you're not living, but that's more then a lot of people do in a lifetime, let alone a year.

I feel as if I exist yes, Not that I enjoy life though, so I guess we have that in common. I really don't know what to tell you, to be honest it seems like you want to be negative. I've been there, and i've too thought about ending my life, and for ME to go there is a big deal as well. This year has been particularly bad, but I haven't given up. I don't think you should either.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

In absolutely no way was my post meant to be arrogant or I am worse then you or negative. I am telling you if anyone wants to beat this thing it's me. My point in telling you all the things I did was to say I was not letting it defeat me. Not to say hey look at all the stuff I did. But hey look at all the stuff I did do despite feeling the way I do. You can do those same things. Believe me. I am not singling my self out or special in any way.

Anyway, best of luck to you in your healing recovery. I mean it.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

Hi Coffee girl . I am feeling the exact same as you right now. Its truly beyond despair. i had a few days over the christmas i felt like i was recovering. But now i feel like i dont exist. No idea who is looking out my eyes. why i am here with these people in this world. completely lost. How u are looking for work and staying busy i do not know. I commend u. I feel like i have amnesia and forgot my life and that im meant to be here. nothing at all makes sense. Its despair. I agree tho that the lower my anxiety the easier it is to deal with. its pure hell tho. sounds like u relate. x


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

katiej said:


> Hi Coffee girl . I am feeling the exact same as you right now. Its truly beyond despair. i had a few days over the christmas i felt like i was recovering. But now i feel like i dont exist. No idea who is looking out my eyes. why i am here with these people in this world. completely lost. How u are looking for work and staying busy i do not know. I commend u. I feel like i have amnesia and forgot my life and that im meant to be here. nothing at all makes sense. Its despair. I agree tho that the lower my anxiety the easier it is to deal with. its pure hell tho. sounds like u relate. x


Yes. I actually just plopped down and started crying. I am beyond despair. And I feel like I am trapped in my body alone and can't get out.i don't know anything around me or people. I truly am lost. Not in my body. I feel like I can't talk and when I do it's not me and I have no idea what I am talking about. I have no control. I can't be present for the life of me. No matter how hard I try. My body doesn't feel real. There is no me period.

What are we going to do? Do you see a therapist? Meds?


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## Surfer Rosa (Nov 27, 2015)

It makes sense that you would be less aware of what is going on around you and with other people, given the high amount of worry you are experiencing most of the time? It sounds like something that can get better, but it does sound quite painful, and like some type of professional intervention might be a good idea.

I get stuck in DR for a long time. DP for me is temporary. Sorry for my inability to fully relate.


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## Allez (Apr 10, 2013)

1) No caffeine (none whatsoever, not even decaf)

2) Little to no alcohol (tends to make DP worse for a lot)

3) Wake up and sleep around the same time every day and night

4) Accept and be with any thought or fear when it comes to mind; don't shy away from it.

Do this every other day, faithfully:






(Thanks Alan)

Also, don't try watching and doing this simultaneously for the first time or you'll probably get frustrated. Make sure you understand the stretches and poses and breathing patterns first. Use the video as a guide when you do them on your own. Also try incorporating more of the mindfulness talked about in this to other aspects of daily life. Eating mindfully, showering mindfully etc.

Try some daily supplements like 1-2 Tbsp. of coconut oil, multivitamins and fish oil if you have brain fog.

Also make sure you're drinking enough water, and keeping processed sugar and carbs low. The more natural the better.

Stop expecting it to lift, let it be how it is right now. Someone in chat said DP is like a Chinese finger trap; the more you pull, the more you get stuck. It's when you relax that you can release your fingers. This lesson can be applied to DP.

I'm not saying any of this will cure you, but these are all things that have helped me. There's more that has helped. PM if none of this helps after a month. You actually have to try though. I'm not saying you haven't, but you can't have a bad attitude about it.


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## crunchytheclown (Dec 5, 2015)

mountainman said:


> i don't even have anxiety anymore/panic. There is none left of me to panic. I feel like I could just sit in an empty room indefinitely doing nothing.


I feel I'm losing what's left of me, too. There's no panic. There's just continued erosion of my personality.


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## Guest (Jan 12, 2016)

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## Guest (Jan 12, 2016)

actually i dont feel a body just someone witnessing it


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## Augustana (Jan 3, 2016)

i dont feel a body but i feel high emotions just not connected


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## Augustana (Jan 3, 2016)

Allez said:


> 1) No caffeine (none whatsoever, not even decaf)
> 
> 2) Little to no alcohol (tends to make DP worse for a lot)
> 
> ...


very great tips, will try the video


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## crunchytheclown (Dec 5, 2015)

Well today I feel panic.

It seems that when I feel depressed, I just don't care. Then when my body feels good I panic.


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