# Waves of existential thoughts



## derrrr (Dec 7, 2016)

Things have been a bit better this week overall. I'm actually getting back into my hobbies again, I'm focusing on my work more, thinking of the future, etc.I was pretty close to normal yesterday until the afternoon. I thought about the futility of life, everything's an illusion, etc. and it spiraled into waves of existential anxiety, including fear of (sudden) death and mortality. I had a hard time getting to sleep after a couple of days of great sleep, but I didn't go full-blown insomnia, so that's encouraging!

Today, I woke up to these thoughts, and I'm still having waves of them, but they're causing more of a sadness mixed with mild anxiety. The "blank mind" thing (it's not really blank, but it feels that way) is still there, but I'm not overly aware of my breathing/swallowing/eating/drinking as much. The first-person shooter effect is not as strong, but still really noticeable when walking/on the bus/etc. It's like my stream of thoughts gets completely bamboozled and have to struggle to think up vivid thoughts. I have noticed flashes/instances of my old way of thinking, but it's still upsetting.

Overall, I feel better than I did a few weeks ago, but damn these existential thoughts don't shut up. Hug me, fam, haha.


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## mind.divided (Jul 2, 2015)

I know the struggle :-x Those damn thoughts that don't go away even if they make no sense at all. My advice for you is just to ignore and accept them so they just leave the mind. It's just thoughts after all, not the truth and they are all colored by this disorder right now. Try to feel and think less.


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## seizedbydivine (Jan 27, 2017)

I'm wondering if I am jst depressed? I have these thoughts too but sometimes I don't feel DPed. Maybe it comes and goes with the depression. ;( Like waves, you know?


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## Notme (Jan 12, 2017)

I understand and know what you mean completely. None of that is easy and it gets so hard to just keep going. We have to do it though...


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## Hedgehog fuzz (Dec 12, 2016)

derrrr, what do you mean by the first person shooter effect? i would like to know more please. i think i has something similar and i like how you express that. i would be really happy to share about it as well.


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## derrrr (Dec 7, 2016)

mind.divided said:


> I know the struggle :-x Those damn thoughts that don't go away even if they make no sense at all. My advice for you is just to ignore and accept them so they just leave the mind. It's just thoughts after all, not the truth and they are all colored by this disorder right now. Try to feel and think less.


I've noticed that when I'm in conversation, playing guitar, etc. the existential thoughts usually dissolve quickly and are replaced by my normal thoughts. When I'm not otherwise occupied, they appear and with the fury of a thousand pissed-off suns, haha. Sometimes the thoughts get so intense that distractions don't work. I still got some work to do in re-grounding. Thanks for your input!



seizedbydivine said:


> I'm wondering if I am jst depressed? I have these thoughts too but sometimes I don't feel DPed. Maybe it comes and goes with the depression. ;( Like waves, you know?


It's possible. However, this DP thing seems a malleable condition in terms of it's symptoms, and I think it can mimic symptoms of depression. Ultimately, DP seems to take away someone's previous association with their own person, with whatever means necessary. Almost like it's a condition that tries to 'cancel out' what you are, or neutralize you. That's why it's not completely the same for everyone in terms of it's symptoms, but the net result works out to be the same -- loss of association with your own person, and a perceived loss of sense of self.



Hedgehog fuzz said:


> derrrr, what do you mean by the first person shooter effect? i would like to know more please. i think i has something similar and i like how you express that. i would be really happy to share about it as well.


It's like I'm observing myself do things, basically. Very present yet not living in-the-moment, not spontaneous but very mechanical and detached. It's frustrating, and very scary at times -- like I'm TOO aware of myself and my actions.Distraction usually helps with this, but not when I'm anxious enough or am walking alone, etc.

This whole thing has been one bumpy-ass ride. Sometimes I just dissolve into tears because of how intense of a mind-fuck this has been.


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## Notme (Jan 12, 2017)

My thoughts are always stuck on getting older and dying. I can't seem to stop these. I wish I still had the filter that most people have. It's so hard to live like this! I also cry because of this. I just want to not have this dp/dr 24/7!


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## derrrr (Dec 7, 2016)

Well, it's been about a week, and I'm feeling not too bad. The thoughts have died down quite a bit, as a result of deliberately focusing my attention on my work, hobbies, interests and goals, forcing myself to converse a little more than the previous day, etc. and making sleep hygiene a priority. Also, I can't forget mentioning reading posts from the forum's archive spring-boarding me into a more hopeful state of mind. Reading about others in similar situations getting out and absorbing their wisdom has definitely been helpful.

The "blank mind" thing is still noticeable when walking/on the bus/etc., but it's getting a smidge better.

This is not a panacea, but maybe it'll provide a glimmer of hope to others from someone who was completely in the clutch of the paradoxical dual-headed monster of existential ocd and "blank mind".


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