# end of the road



## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Think its my time to go
...........
...Been living with chronic dp/dr for about 3 years now.ive ended up in hospitals about 6times cuzi wanted to kill myself and my panic attacks wer so bad.i told myself that i wont let this get me down anymore so i started thinking positive and started facing my panic attacks.started running again and hanging out with friends but as usual i kept getting setbacks like out of nowhere i started feeling more unreal and detached from the world and my body but i kept trying to overcome that.but now thats happen so many time that now i feel like im giving up.these couple of months my drdp gotten so bad that im becoming confused and more scared.i look at humans and i dont understand them,feel like theres nothing there.and with my own self,i feel ive lost control of my body,i feel like its just my mind functioning or my soul and my body is just a thing that doesnt feel part of me.i dont know how im breathing.i dont enjoy food cuz i dont understand taste.weather feels weird against my skin.things look a different size to me.my family looks weird.i try to think of the good memoriea but i just cry at the life i had once and then i hit myseld cuz im so angry and i dont wana blame anybody.i dont want too but i feel like its my time to go,i fear either the dp is gona kill me or make me go insane.but i dont wana live in fear or lose my mind i rather die and hopefully go to heaven..just feel sad at all the things im leaving like my neice,like waa so happy when she was born and just upset that im prolly gona see her grow up.i also get upset with god and ask why this happend..i wanted to go to college,get a job,buy my mom a house,help people,wanted to have kids and actually experience love..but now i feel so lonely,ive kept quuiet about what ive been feeling these past months and i tried to tell my mom cuz i just want someone to help me or at least listen but my mom just sighed and continued texting..ive been thinking of just overdosing on my pills and just be done with it.its been harder to resist.just want ppl to know not everyones experience is the same even if u had it longer.im tired of people giving me false hope..ive heard it all
.


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## lautje (Mar 4, 2011)

do you have any help ? 
please don't give up


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## DP_P (Sep 10, 2012)

Add me on Skype - I'll help you. Pm me and I'll give you my SKype name.


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## pinkpaw (May 17, 2013)

Add me too, I'm sorry you feel like this and know exactly what it's like when you feel this low. I know you said you're tired of false hope but HONESTLY, things can really improve, I promise. I know because it happened to me, at one stage I lost everything, went to a&e several times, and overdosed once. I know what its like to have zero support too, my mum would yell at me constantly that there was 'no such thing as depression' (imagine if I'd tried to introduce her to DP/DR!!) and that I was behaving 'spoilt' and called me all kinds of derogatory names - once she even said in her eyes, I was a disabled, useless child! Now, my life is so different and I'm so much happier.

PM me and I'll give you my skype/facebook.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Idk i just feel more confused everyday.like before i was scared of my breathing to stop but now i feel like "why do i have to breath"..every sensation my body has and even my body feels alien to me.my teeth r freaking me out to like i wanna grab a hammer n break them.they dont feel right.idk i feel like im losing my mind.


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## UnrecognizedWorld (Jul 19, 2013)

jnet123 said:


> Think its my time to go
> ...........
> ...Been living with chronic dp/dr for about 3 years now.ive ended up in hospitals about 6times cuzi wanted to kill myself and my panic attacks wer so bad.i told myself that i wont let this get me down anymore so i started thinking positive and started facing my panic attacks.started running again and hanging out with friends but as usual i kept getting setbacks like out of nowhere i started feeling more unreal and detached from the world and my body but i kept trying to overcome that.but now thats happen so many time that now i feel like im giving up.these couple of months my drdp gotten so bad that im becoming confused and more scared.i look at humans and i dont understand them,feel like theres nothing there.and with my own self,i feel ive lost control of my body,i feel like its just my mind functioning or my soul and my body is just a thing that doesnt feel part of me.i dont know how im breathing.i dont enjoy food cuz i dont understand taste.weather feels weird against my skin.things look a different size to me.my family looks weird.i try to think of the good memoriea but i just cry at the life i had once and then i hit myseld cuz im so angry and i dont wana blame anybody.i dont want too but i feel like its my time to go,i fear either the dp is gona kill me or make me go insane.but i dont wana live in fear or lose my mind i rather die and hopefully go to heaven..just feel sad at all the things im leaving like my neice,like waa so happy when she was born and just upset that im prolly gona see her grow up.i also get upset with god and ask why this happend..i wanted to go to college,get a job,buy my mom a house,help people,wanted to have kids and actually experience love..but now i feel so lonely,ive kept quuiet about what ive been feeling these past months and i tried to tell my mom cuz i just want someone to help me or at least listen but my mom just sighed and continued texting..ive been thinking of just overdosing on my pills and just be done with it.its been harder to resist.just want ppl to know not everyones experience is the same even if u had it longer.im tired of people giving me false hope..ive heard it all
> .


Couldn't of said it better myself, I can relate almost 100%. Really though try not to give in to the sadness and remeber that you only notice how strange things are because of the dp/dr not becuase you're a different person. Time and memory are funny things, they will play tricks on you but you must stay strong.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Idk why mine obsesses about dp.like i try to pay attention to something n i feel like im more dpd


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Idk why mine obsesses about dp.like i try to pay attention to something n i feel like im more dpd


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## Jurgen (Aug 3, 2013)

Just for the record - Suicide actually condones you to go to hell, if you wanna get all religious on us.

Dude, relax. I feel like this all the time. It's no longer DP or DR. You just have ANXIETY and you are feeding your anxiety and thus YOU YOURSELF amplify these symptoms of DP. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't/can't recover. I HAVE recovered from DP/DR and all I have now is anxiety. I am JUST LIKE YOU. I questioned my existence everyday and probably worse. NEVERRRR lose hope. You will be fine my man. Just keep your chin up and try to meet people who stimulate you enough to hinder you from those malignant thoughts. I was at the verge of contemplating suicide but dude.. It is the most shameful thing you can do to yourself to kill yourself over something like this once it goes away. When you recover you're gonna be like wow did I REALLY contemplate suicide? I must've been in a really fucked up state of mind. And that's all it is. A NEGATIVE STATE OF MIND. PM me


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## nectarios82 (Sep 9, 2013)

jnet123 said:


> Idk why mine obsesses about dp.like i try to pay attention to something n i feel like im more dpd


hey bud... shoot me an inbox and lets talk! i used to be just like u. you WILL get through this for real! dont give up! Please dont give up! Hit me up for sure and lets chat!


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Its like my brain cravea being dped.i tell myself im going to keep going and do thing i use to do but i dont know whats up with my breathing like i feel im the one controlling it n im gona start to forget how to breath.i tell myself to just let go and calm down but i have moment were i feel like im gona stop breathing.i know my body breathes on its own n doesnt need me thinking about.just feel my brain gona get so powerful that itll forgwt to know how to breath.the thing i tell myself is that the worst thing that can happen is a panic attack n i can ride it out n survive but im starting to think that that might not be the worst.thats why i wana be ok with the idea of dying.in the end i know my fear is of the feeling of fear.


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## seafoamwinterz (Aug 12, 2013)

jnet123 said:


> Its like my brain cravea being dped.i tell myself im going to keep going and do thing i use to do but i dont know whats up with my breathing like i feel im the one controlling it n im gona start to forget how to breath.i tell myself to just let go and calm down but i have moment were i feel like im gona stop breathing.i know my body breathes on its own n doesnt need me thinking about.just feel my brain gona get so powerful that itll forgwt to know how to breath.the thing i tell myself is that the worst thing that can happen is a panic attack n i can ride it out n survive but im starting to think that that might not be the worst.thats why i wana be ok with the idea of dying.in the end i know my fear is of the feeling of fear.


YOU ARE DEPRESSED. If you were happy would you commit suicide? No! We've all been there, shit I was there a few hours ago. Hang in there!


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Im trying to stay in the present but its harder then i thought.and i think whats giving me more anxiety is my breathing.like its becoming stranger to me,i dont understand it.i dont feel normal anymore when i first got dp,ijust felt unreal and stuff and i didnt know all these symtoms i have now could happen to a personmit justbgot worser rhrought the years but i was doing well in the beginning idk what happend? I tell everybody that im strong n ill beat this n thats im okay but deep inside im scared shitless.i dont wana believe what my my mind n body is teling me but its becoming harder to say its all lies.feel lonely like nobody can reach me,people can try to gelp me or comfort me but they dont feel like there there or real.ive kept thinking thinking and im not gonna kill myself,i dont wana die giving up.but i just feel like im gonna explode or something...i feel lost


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## googleeyes (Apr 25, 2012)

jnet123 said:


> Im trying to stay in the present but its harder then i thought.and i think whats giving me more anxiety is my breathing.like its becoming stranger to me,i dont understand it.i dont feel normal anymore when i first got dp,ijust felt unreal and stuff and i didnt know all these symtoms i have now could happen to a personmit justbgot worser rhrought the years but i was doing well in the beginning idk what happend? I tell everybody that im strong n ill beat this n thats im okay but deep inside im scared shitless.i dont wana believe what my my mind n body is teling me but its becoming harder to say its all lies.feel lonely like nobody can reach me,people can try to gelp me or comfort me but they dont feel like there there or real.ive kept thinking thinking and im not gonna kill myself,i dont wana die giving up.but i just feel like im gonna explode or something...i feel lost


I relate to this a lot, and I'm sure nearly all of us do. You speak of the fear inside of you; this is a really important point. You are afraid of what is going to happen next, you are afraid of living like this forever, you are afraid of new symptoms developing, you are *afraid*. You need to stop right there. There is nothing to be afraid of. You're bigger than this. Don't recoil from it. Instead, think, "Fuck this thing. I'm not going to let something as stupid as dp control my life."

You need that badass winners attitude. I know you have it inside of you. You find it so hard to be in the present moment because you have all of these anxious thoughts breathing down your neck. Bringing up fear from the past and projecting it onto the future. You need to hold strong and just live in the present moment. Accept that you feel like this for now, and think about other things, anything else.

You will get better.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

The only thing that helps is telling myself that i will fight till the end n that i can cry n bitch but dp is still gonna be there.i can be scared and panic about everything the dp is doing to me but in the end ill still have it.im just having trouble with my breathing,like one minute im scared of the sensation of breathing n the next im scared im gona forget how to breath.im trying to lift my spirits up n say eveeything will be okay n to just think positive thoughts.but my friends dont wana hang with me cuz i get panic attacks.i feel really alone n not just cuz of dp but cuz of my beliefs n idk who i am or who i want to be.im having mood swings.the only person i feel safe with is moving far to another state.i feep like my eating disorder is creeping back up. I dont want to complain and i dont want people to pity me but this is the only place i can let it out.i dont tell anybody whats going on,everybody sees me in a good mood.and if i tepp them i little bit whats going on they judge me or use it against.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

The only thing that helps is telling myself that i will fight till the end n that i can cry n bitch but dp is still gonna be there.i can be scared and panic about everything the dp is doing to me but in the end ill still have it.im just having trouble with my breathing,like one minute im scared of the sensation of breathing n the next im scared im gona forget how to breath.im trying to lift my spirits up n say eveeything will be okay n to just think positive thoughts.but my friends dont wana hang with me cuz i get panic attacks.i feel really alone n not just cuz of dp but cuz of my beliefs n idk who i am or who i want to be.im having mood swings.the only person i feel safe with is moving far to another state.i feep like my eating disorder is creeping back up. I dont want to complain and i dont want people to pity me but this is the only place i can let it out.i dont tell anybody whats going on,everybody sees me in a good mood.and if i tepp them i little bit whats going on they judge me or use it against.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks everybody your words are helping me but do u guts think if i overcome my panic attack my dp will decrease?


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## smilingtogether (Aug 30, 2013)

Been where you have been and I promise things will improve. I have not recovered but I am definitely better than I was a week, a month, or even a year ago. I have a son and a family and I experienced DP and DR throughout my first ever pregnancy and delivery. It was the hardest thing to hold my son and feel as though I didn't really have him (that could've just been baby blues) or that nothing was really happening and I'd wake up one day. Your past "reality" is definitely gone, because something was upsetting you and making your mind work too hard. Your mind is just taking a break but when you do feel better that break will be over and you will have something better. But you have to work at it and work hard! Maintain a positive attitude not just to rid yourself of DP but because it is ultimately better for you. PM me too if you like and please do NOT give up!!! Someone will always miss you, even though they don't have to because you're not going to go anywhere! Keep fighting and remember its okay to feel sad sometimes.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

smilingtogether said:


> Been where you have been and I promise things will improve. I have not recovered but I am definitely better than I was a week, a month, or even a year ago. I have a son and a family and I experienced DP and DR throughout my first ever pregnancy and delivery. It was the hardest thing to hold my son and feel as though I didn't really have him (that could've just been baby blues) or that nothing was really happening and I'd wake up one day. Your past "reality" is definitely gone, because something was upsetting you and making your mind work too hard. Your mind is just taking a break but when you do feel better that break will be over and you will have something better. But you have to work at it and work hard! Maintain a positive attitude not just to rid yourself of DP but because it is ultimately better for you. PM me too if you like and please do NOT give up!!! Someone will always miss you, even though they don't have to because you're not going to go anywhere! Keep fighting and remember its okay to feel sad sometimes.


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Oh gosh that mustve been hard.how is it having dp n raising a kid?.before i use to take my neice everywhere n now i cant cuz im scaref im gona forget where i am or something n put her in danger.....ive started runing and i forced myself to do it cuz i dont wana be scared nomore and it felt great to run again but i ran near my house.i dont know why its so hard for me to go outside or be away from my house.i feel like im more dpd,i feel my sensations more and everything becomes stranger.breathing feels like its becoming more strange to me.im just frustated,im trying but why doea it keep getting worse.like throughout the years its kept geting worser.i dont know if theres something wrong with my brain or i have a disease.i hear other people try the techniques or continue living life n there dp gets better.why is mine getting worse.i dont want to be mad at god n i dont wana blame but i get upset n ask himm why or likr please just give me something,a breakthrough or some kind of peace.are u up there! Tried to talk to my mom again but she was glued to the tv. I just have these moment wear i feel like tears are gona come down n i wanna cry loud but then i hold it in..i wana go to school,wanna get a job,be independent.its hard listenint to my friends go on about school,relationships,job. I want to just isolate myself from everyone n not do anything but i have resist it cuz that not gona help at all.aaah i punch myself cuz im so angry especially with myself.


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## comett (May 5, 2011)

I have been where you are at now. If you like, you can read my "recovery" from DP in the "Recovering" Section...it took me a long time to recover, but I am DP free now and it can happen to you too! Do not give up. First of all are you seeing a therapist? You really really need to be able to tell someone in person what you are going through and a professional is usually the best bet. DP is very isloating and having at least one "safe" person can make a LOT of difference. Often time family can not play this role for various reasons even because they might be "too close" to us and can't stand to see us in such pain.

Another thing...if running made you feel good even for a short time then keep doing it!! Do absolutely ANYTHING that makes you feel better and try to get some sun while you are at it becasue the sun has an amazing effect on the brain. Try to give your mind a break and keep it occupied with something else besides DP. This way your brain will get a break. Even a little break will help.

Lastly stay away from all recreational drugs and alcohol. Even caffeine might be a triger for awhile.

When I got really sensitized all over my body by the DP , chemicals in my body really affected me and triggered more DP.

Hope this helps!

comett


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Yea running does help alot.yesterday i ran with my bro to my fav place to run and i havent been there in a long time cuz when i go there i get panicky.but i actually did it and i felt great,was still thinking about my breathing but i tried to focus more on the fun i was having with my brother.do today i tried to go back again but i started to feel weird and scared so i went back home and i was really mad so i started punching the walls,yelling and throwing stuff(nobody was home).just so mad why do i keep messing up.why cant i stop focusing on my breathing.some people tell me just to stop focusing on it n be in the present,they make it sound easy well its not.obviously we are prolly not in the same position if ur making it seem like it.i try to just focus onthe activity im doing but i cant seem to get the stupid breathing outa my head. Ahh keep getting angry n crying easily.ive also gotten into a relationship which im starting to think was a bad idea cuz ive been more overly sensitive and i dont want to put that stress on them ...but anyways im still gona run my ass off tomorrow


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## comett (May 5, 2011)

jnet

I am really glad the running helps you

keep doing it! i remember suriving DP one year by skiing...i loved the cold and the speed and it was a place where you could ski at night......i loved the stars out and skiing in the dark too...another thing that helped me is going to the beach where i could feel the salt air and the cool sand and cold atlantic ocean..........

anything you love will distract you and the number one thing you need to do is to distract yourself so your brain can calm itself down....so find everything you love and stick to it!


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

I was doing fine and i was able to go to other cities but yesterday i started getting scared of gravity,space,the earth.im like greaaaaaat! Its likr i have ocd in my head,cant stop thinking.i feel everything people tell me doesnt help becauae i feel unreal and detached that the advice or help doesnt get to me. Wanna bang my head,im so frustratrd


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## jnet123 (Aug 9, 2013)

Well i was doing fine,i got a job,started going out more and socializing but recently ive have had some setbacks.i started feeling more unusual and confused like i couldnt stop paying attention to my heart and started feeling weird having a heart and the heartbeats felt weird.so of course i stared getting scared and then my heart started beating faster and i ended up getting a panic attack but it wasnt full blown like last time where i couldnt move my body.it just made me feel frustrated and sad because i was out with my friends and i messed up our good time.i dont know why i cant stop thinking,i wanna pull my hair out!its hard not to pay attention to my heart or my breathing,its part of my body so i cant ignore it.i dont know if its because ive had this for about 3/4 years but before i would remind myself how i use to feel before i got dp and it made me feel better and i knew that i was gonna be okay but now i cant do that anymore,i dont know how life was without dp.just feel scared and trapped and ive noticed my mood keeps shifting and ive been eating alot(but thank god i like to run).

Ive noticed that my anxiety increases the farther away i go from my house.my home has become my safe zone even though i get anxiety here to but its not as bad as when i go outside. But i dont want to be stuck here. Well thats my rant for today, now i have to go show my family how great im doing.fake it till ya make it


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