# Okay, Need some reassurance!



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hey Guys,

Haven't asked for reassurance in a while since I was told by my doc after my 'Pure O' diagnosis that I should try and stop looking for reassurance and instead dismiss the fear altogether. Had success with this for a couple weeks, and I know this is the answer. But today I am really, really down. and scared and basically I am just fishing for someone to calm me down and hear me out. As well as changing thought patterns has worked for me, sometimes it feels better to vent.

I have had a bunch of symptoms some new and some old flare up over the last couple days, and they have me very worried. They appeared a couple of days after I upped by Lexapro to 20mg (my doctors orders). I'm kind of frustrated because I was doing well on 10mg, and I just hope I haven't screwed things up.

I've had symptoms including headaches, confusion, and waking up in the night with what feels like pain keeping me awake but pain in no particular location. Nearly impossible to describe but it just kind of feels like my whole body aches. So there is that - I had to take an extra Clonazepam at 430 in the morning the other night because I was starting to panic for the first time in a while. i have also found my moods VERY quick to shift. Seriously I go from being kind of obnoxiously happy - like I get when I am overtired, to really irritable (I keep getting snappy at my girlfriend for no apparent reason - just over little favors she asks me for), to super depressed, to super anxious. I hate these mood swings because it feels like I am not in control of my emotions, and the one thing that makes me more anxious than anything is not being in control.

Finally - I have this symptom that i've had for a long time. It ties in with my confusion - but its worse. It's like these really dumb moments I get where I actually can't seem to process information whatsoever. Forgive my specific example because I don't have more general terms to describe this: My dad asked me a very straightforward question trying to get to the bottom of why my house was starting to smell: "Did you bring the firewood into the house before the house started to smell?". When my mind is functioning properly, and i'd imagine all of your minds too - i'd just be able to answer the question. Instead my thought process goes like this: "Before.. before... I brought the firewood into the house first, and then it started to smell. First means before. I brought the firewood in before the smell". Meanwhile i've taken 30 seconds to answer a very simple question. I don't get it all the time, but i'll have days where it gets really bad and i'll give blank looks to the people who ask me questions. This is more than just general spaciness or confusion. It worries me that something is really wrong with me. Not going to google it because I know i'll have a heart attack if something bad comes up, especially when i'm already feeling anxious.

Any thoughts?


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## egodeath (Oct 27, 2008)

It sounds like a moment of disorganized thought--not the kind you'd see in schizophrenia, but more like intense brain fog. It may be a result of your psychiatric medications; I know I'm a little slower when I take clonazepam and I'm only using .5 mg. I wouldn't panic about this sort of thing, but I would bring it up with the doctor prescribing your medication.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

egodeath said:


> It sounds like a moment of disorganized thought--not the kind you'd see in schizophrenia, but more like intense brain fog. It may be a result of your psychiatric medications; I know I'm a little slower when I take clonazepam and I'm only using .5 mg. I wouldn't panic about this sort of thing, but I would bring it up with the doctor prescribing your medication.


Yeah, disorganized thought it a good way to put it - though I hate using any term associated with schizophrenia even though I agree that this is not the type of disorganized thought that presents itself in schizophrenia.

I do know it is not medication related though as I have had moments like this dating back to before medication. They actually date back to before this breakdown in December as well. I do think they may match up with when I started experiencing consistent anxiety (GAD) again which would help explain them as anxiety based but it is hard to remember exact timing on these things.

I can never seem to just stop worrying.


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## Guest (Mar 5, 2009)

Increasing your med could make you temporarily more anxious until you readjust to it. Also you know that anxiety can severely mess with cognitive function. Be proud that you managed to go a few good weeks without seeking reasurance and nothing bad happened...well done. It's okay to vent and ask for reasurance sometimes though, we all do it, not just people with OCD. You're doing great, give yourself credit for the good things rather than keep picking out any temporary slip ups, positivity just like negativity can be a learned habit.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Spirit said:


> Increasing your med could make you temporarily more anxious until you readjust to it. Also you know that anxiety can severely mess with cognitive function. Be proud that you managed to go a few good weeks without seeking reasurance and nothing bad happened...well done. It's okay to vent and ask for reasurance sometimes though, we all do it, not just people with OCD. You're doing great, give yourself credit for the good things rather than keep picking out any temporary slip ups, positivity just like negativity can be a learned habit.


Thanks Lyns. Can't believe how illogical I am sometimes. I am hoenstly freaking out again feeling I am not able to understand anything again or think logically. If this sounds familiar, its because its EXACTLY what I went through two months ago. The symptoms then vanished as I went on to obsessing about the positive symptoms of schizophrenia and delusions I thought I was getting, and then I started to feel better altogether.

Increase the meds, the anxiety comes back and BOOM the symptoms are back. Yet once again I am jumping to the worst case scenario. You would think I would learn by now that there is nothing wrong with me besides anxiety and OCD, yet that is the beast that these two things are.

I hope I adjust to this dose sooner rather than later. UGH


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## satie (Mar 6, 2009)

Increasing dosage in many cases will increase your anxiety. Once you get used to that dose, I'd imagine that you will get back to where you were before.

Let us know how it goes and try to distract yourself.

Best of luck...


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## sneaker (Feb 14, 2009)

Hey Matt,

Just wondered if you were starting to feel any better? I started on Citalopram 20mg a couple of hours ago so starting to feel the anxiety rising quite a bit. It's the third period in my life I have taken it and I remember having a horrible week the first time I ever took it. It made me so anxious and depressed that I sat in my room for an entire week. This time I'm just trying to keep reminding myself that it's only temporary and it will level out after a few days. I'll probably be venting and looking for reassurance too over the next few days. Sometimes it's just good to do that. Anyway hope you're feeling better.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

sneaker said:


> Hey Matt,
> 
> Just wondered if you were starting to feel any better? I started on Citalopram 20mg a couple of hours ago so starting to feel the anxiety rising quite a bit. It's the third period in my life I have taken it and I remember having a horrible week the first time I ever took it. It made me so anxious and depressed that I sat in my room for an entire week. This time I'm just trying to keep reminding myself that it's only temporary and it will level out after a few days. I'll probably be venting and looking for reassurance too over the next few days. Sometimes it's just good to do that. Anyway hope you're feeling better.


Hey there,

I'm surviving. I'm still only at 1.5 weeks on this new dose - the anxiety has subsided a bit but when I first started on Lexapro it took over a month before it started working. I'm expecting it will probably be just as long before I feel better on this higher dose. Frustrating but what can you do.

Lately I feel just lost in general - like my life is a fragmented, and that something is wrong but that I can't quite pinpoint it. Something just feels 'off'. I've been doing my best to let the anxiety 'free-float' and not attach itself to any particular fear or obsession but its hard.

But yeah - just hang in there. The first week is always the hardest. Hopefully you'll adjust quickly. Out of curiosity why do you take Citalopram as opposed to Escitalopram (aka Lexapro)? Did you find it effective for you in the past? I was just under the impression that it was prescribed less lately as Lexapro was found to be more effective/less side effects. I may be wrong.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Also - feel free to vent to me all you want. I feel the urge to vent a bunch lately with the high anxiety. And the forum has been sooo dead this past month. Not enough people to listen to our problems haha. If you ever need someone to let out some of this frustration/anxiety - i'm your guy haha.


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## sneaker (Feb 14, 2009)

Citalopram was just what my doc prescribed a couple of weeks ago. It may have been becuase he saw on my file that I had taken it in the past. Lexapro hasn't been mentioned to me before by the doc. To be honest I don't find that Citalopram works that well for me anyway (which I did mention to him at the time). The first time I took it I felt great for a couple of months, after the initial horrible week but then I just went back to feeling the same way. It was the same the second time I took it although neither of those times did I try to sort out my underlying issues. This time around I am hopefully gonna see a psych soon and then get some CBT to finally change my extreme negative thinking patterns. Hopefully when I eventually get to see a psych I can maybe discuss alternate meds. I have never really done that with a doctor. Is it quite easy to persuade doctors to prescribe certain medications?


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

sneaker said:


> Hopefully when I eventually get to see a psych I can maybe discuss alternate meds. I have never really done that with a doctor. Is it quite easy to persuade doctors to prescribe certain medications?


Depends on the ego of the doctor haha. Some doctors do not deal well with a patient telling them what meds to prescribe - makes them feel as if their 10 years of schooling was all for nothing or something haha. Others accept that as a GP they do not know that much about mental health and look for your input. If i'm not sure about my doctor's ego I usually lead them towards a drug I am interested in but ultimately make it feel like it was their decision. I tried Citalopram once and hated it - but I didn't make it past the first few pills due to horrible anxiety (used to have a major fear of taking medication - scared of side effects, it screwing me up, allergic reactions, etc.). Lexapro is decent and is similar is composition to Celexa - just supposed to be more effective. But every person is different with meds - some may find Celexa more effective. Its hit or miss. Lexapro and Zoloft seem to be the top two SSRIs that I hear people report success with.

I still haven't decided how I feel about SSRIs yet - I had some good results with Lexapro but that all went to shit with this dose increase. We will see once I get past this rough patch if the higher dose works for me. Right now its all about the Benzos to get me through the day.

You hit the nail on the head though - can't rely on drugs alone. In fact - the part where drugs make you feel better is a great window of opportunity to really get involved with therapy and hammering away at the things that get you trapped in this state of DP. That's the plan for me. Doing one more month on drugs to get myself stable and then probably going to do both CBT and Psychoanalysis to get this figured out once and for all.


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## sneaker (Feb 14, 2009)

Yeah I'm definitely at the point in my life where I need to figure out my underlying anxiety rather than just waiting for it to sort itself out. It's been too long already and nothing has changed.

It's been three weeks since I saw my GP and I'm still waiting to hear about my psych appointment and CBT referral so hopefully it won't be much longer. Gonna keep going with the citalopram for now though.

I'm not feeling too bad for my first day back on the meds. Anxiety hasn't really increased too much although I haven't actually left my house yet so haven't put myself in any difficult situations. The main effect is just feeling a bit 'high' which is pretty strange in itself. It kind of reminds me (on a very small scale) of taking ecstacy, just without the euphoria. We'll see what tomorrow brings.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

sneaker said:


> Yeah I'm definitely at the point in my life where I need to figure out my underlying anxiety rather than just waiting for it to sort itself out. It's been too long already and nothing has changed.
> 
> It's been three weeks since I saw my GP and I'm still waiting to hear about my psych appointment and CBT referral so hopefully it won't be much longer. Gonna keep going with the citalopram for now though.
> 
> I'm not feeling too bad for my first day back on the meds. Anxiety hasn't really increased too much although I haven't actually left my house yet so haven't put myself in any difficult situations. The main effect is just feeling a bit 'high' which is pretty strange in itself. It kind of reminds me (on a very small scale) of taking ecstacy, just without the euphoria. We'll see what tomorrow brings.


The beginning of my meds had intense mood swings for me. From high, to almost manic, to extremely anxious, to irritable, and so on. Each one was so intense. I'm experiencing it to a lesser extent now (as mentioned above).

Keep me updated on how it goes for you.


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## sneaker (Feb 14, 2009)

Hey Matt,

Third day on the citalopram and I'm not too bad. No extra anxiety or mood swings. Just still have the feeling that I am quite 'high', like a bit of a fuzzy head, sketchy vision sometimes, quite a stiff jaw and feel like yawning all the time just not due to tiredness. Also I've had a few occasions where I seem to have zoned out a bit and let my mind wander. I did have a moment yesterday where I had to drive to an appointment with a careers adviser and I zoned out about halfway to the appointment, suddenly realised and then felt like I was about to have a panic attack. Luckily I managed to calm myself down pretty quickly. The worst side effect I am having at the moment though is when I try to sleep I find my thoughts wandering onto strange things and I think 'why am I thinking that?' and when I get to the point I am about to fall asleep I seem to jolt myslef awake in a slight panic meaning it takes me ages to get to sleep. In fact last night I slept for a few hours and then suddenly woke up in a bit of a panic which never happens to me. I never really have any trouble sleeping. Freaks me out a little bit.

I mentioned before that whenever I take SSRIs that the first few pills feel a bit like taking a small amount of ecstacy. I've talked to a friend of mine who has also tried ecstacy a number of times but also taken citalopram in the past but he said the citalopram never gave him the same feelings that ecstacy did. He is quite a big guy though and I am quite small so that might explain why I feel it a bit more.

I'm pretty sure all this will pass, just feels like I can't motivate myself to do anything while I feel like this which is quite annoying. I think I definitely shouldn't drive while I feel like this.

Oh and my name is Phil - just to humanise myself a bit :mrgreen:


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Yep, all those symptoms are familiar for me both from starting meds and from anxiety in general. I hate those weird thoughts and images that float through my mind as I drift into sleep, and I am also often woken up in a bit of a panic. I also get horrible 'lock jaw' from Lexapro, but that also goes away as I adjust to the doses.

I had a pretty good day yesterday - today I am fine as well so far. Still anxious, but hanging in there. Feeling my mood is lifted a bit which is always the first glimmer of hope for me that the meds are working and the worst is over.


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