# Racing Thoughts



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

This seems to be my "obsession" for the day. I've noticed that I have a very obsessive thought process. I'll get a certain thought or concept that worries me into my head, and it'll run like crazy. The funny thing is (and I think I've mentioned this before), when I have one obsession, it's impossible to focus on another. When I'm DPing, I can't think about anything else, wondering when the DP will stop, wondering what causes it, wondering how many other people at that very same moment are feeling it. Then I start thinking about how my thoughts are racing, and that snaps me back into reality. I don't really feel the DP anymore, and instead I'm focused on my thoughts. What is a thought? What if I forget how to think? What if I think too much? Could that destroy my brain? At any given time, I've got about three or four different thoughts in my head. I don't know how it's possible that I can be busy doing one thing and thinking about another. Was it always this way, or am I just now noticing it because of the anxiety? How in the world can I just make it stop and focus on one thing?

Usually I'll find a point where I find a calm. I remind myself that this is just anxiety. This _will_ get better. Then of course there's the part of my brain that counters, "What if it doesn't? What if it continues this way forever? What if this is the time I finally lose it and never get past it? Is it possible to literally go insane from worrying or thinking too much?" The rational part of me argues, "This is your thought process. You're doing this to yourself. You need to snap out of it." The anxious part says, "I've been this way my whole life, how can I possibly change it now?" Were all the rational, "sane" parts of my life just a fluke, and this is really the way I'm "supposed" to be? I've stopped it before, and I found a place where I felt calm, "normal," and at peace. Sure, I worry about things, perhaps a little too much. I can cope with the fact that I'll always be a worrier. What I can't cope with is the idea that I'll never figure out how to stop my thoughts from racing, that this will be the time it's here to stay.

These are my two biggest fears this very moment. Of course, in five minutes, it very well may change:
1. I'm going insane. Either I'm having these thoughts because I'm insane, or just having these thoughts over and over are going to drive me insane.
2. The mood swings are AWFUL. I'll feel on the edge of insanity one minute, and then maybe ten minutes later, I think, "What was that all about? I'm fine." Another ten minutes later, I'm a wreck again. How can I possibly trust my feelings when they seem to change so rapidly? Is anyone else experiencing this, so quickly? :?


----------



## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

The very fact that you can speculate on whether or not you're going insane means your reality testing is intact. Therefore, you're not going insane.


----------



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Sure, but will it always be that way, or am I eventually going to drive myself into insanity?

That's the classic example of the sort of counter-thinking that goes on in my head all day long. For every positive, hopeful thought I have, I've got an equally strong negative thought that squashes it. It's like a tennis match that goes on in my head nonstop all day long. I'm a little scared that no one will be able to reach me, nothing will be able to quiet that awful, negative voice inside my head. Then, of course, there's the completely irrational thought of, "What if these warring parts of myself eventually split off into multiple personalities?" Logically, I know this is not going to happen. But for some reason, my logical mind and my emotional mind seem to be two completely separate things these days.


----------



## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

invisible.ink said:


> The very fact that you can speculate on whether or not you're going insane means your reality testing is intact. Therefore, you're not going insane.


So true.
You are in danger of burning out.
The clonazepam will take care of that.

It is totally unnecessary to have this going on.


----------



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

I hope you're right. I'm putting so much on the clonazepam, I'm almost afraid to start taking it. What if I start taking it, and it doesn't make things better? I know it'll take time, but it's important to me to have something of a "security blanket" to grab onto. Right now I feel as though nothing can reach me.I feel like this must be the worst I've ever felt, although I've probably been through that before, too.

Do either of you experience any of that rapid changing of mood and thought?


----------



## Sketch2000 (Nov 10, 2008)

I experience it. Its like a separation of my own self and thoughts....usually i have no sense of self and just racing thoughts....therefore, changing my mood entirely...
Don't put too much into the klonopin....just think - hey, I'm gonna give this a shot...if it works it works....and remember, when you usually believe something will work, it usually does....give it some time....
All the best and happy new year...

Chris


----------



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Thank you... I do put a great deal into the klonopin, simply because it was so good to me before. Then again, the Wellbutrin seemed to work really well for me before, and now that I'm going through this nightmare... I don't know if the Wellbutrin is the cause or if it just exacerbated the situation. I'm trying so hard to remember that there isn't always a cut and dry answer for everything. I've got a lot to learn about acceptance. The thing that stinks is that when I'm in the very depths of my anxiety, there is no one comforting thought that gets me through it. Anytime I try to come up with a comforting thought, I have a negative thought that nullifies it. I've actually had the fear that I'll be the one exception to the rule... like I'm the one person who therapy or meds or whatever else couldn't help, that I'll have a thought that I'll present and everyone will be like, "No, it's just you. I've never been through that before. You must be really messed up." Part of me knows that's ridiculous, but it's like I can't be fully convinced of anything. When I'm going through DP, sometimes I can't convince myself that it _is_ DP. I get this irrational fear that maybe I've got some new horrendous mental illness that nobody's ever heard of before. Sometimes I feel as though there are two sides of me, two completely opposite parts of me, one which believes in logic and reason and fully understands the reality of everything that's going on, while the other part sits back and watches and refuses to accept what is real and what's just my imagination getting carried away. Does that sound like DP?


----------



## Mark (Jul 21, 2008)

nytesprite said:


> I hope you're right. I'm putting so much on the clonazepam, I'm almost afraid to start taking it. What if I start taking it, and it doesn't make things better? I know it'll take time, but it's important to me to have something of a "security blanket" to grab onto. Right now I feel as though nothing can reach me.I feel like this must be the worst I've ever felt, although I've probably been through that before, too.
> 
> Do either of you experience any of that rapid changing of mood and thought?


It worked for me in half an hour.
Read this
This is now. That was then.

















Picture taken 2006.
This unfortunate individual is at this moment suffering from 2 weeks straight of "rolling panic attacks" brought on by a rare, and little studied and understood, condition called Depersonalization Disorder - DPD for short.

DPD is a very painful disorder in itself. However, the resulting panic attacks, depression and anxiety make it almost unbearable for the individual to the point of contemplating and attempting suicide.
Sometimes, these suicidal thoughts become obsessive and the patient must be hospitalized.

The above patient had gone 4 nights without sleep despite self medicating with large quantities of alcohol.
He is quoted as saying "I could not pass by anything sharp without wanting to shove it into my eyes". He was also hallucinating, especially when he closed his eyes, thus his inability to sleep.
This picture was taken just before his wife took him to hospital. The patient was convinced that he would never again be outside of a hospital - locked up for good he thought and told his wife so.
One might wonder why he took so long to get to hospital.
His explanation was that he had to keep moving because of the extreme anxiety and panic. He claimed that sitting in the car for 1/2 an hour was impossible to contemplate at that time.

This patient spent the first night in hospital taking anti-psychotics. That was not effective. The next day he was given 1.5 mg of Clonazepam and a rest. The patient responded well to this treatment and was "himself" and "saved" when he awoke.
The patient had made a complete turn around in less than an hour.
He apparently walked all around the ward with a huge smile on his face thanking all of the health professionals he could get his hands on, and curiously despite continuing to have DPD ,at the same level as before.

From a detailed study of this individual we make some interesting conclusions. 
Sufferers of DPD can not be cured; however the suffering is manageable and relative.
It took this patient going to the depths of hell to realize that he could actually be thankful and happy for something.
Because we are arrogant, stupid, ugly, and ignorant we researchers and Doctors know very little about this clearly, highly distressing condition.
The study of this disorder is sadly lacking considering the suffering and the numbers of people who experience DPD - numbers equal to sufferers of bi-polar and schizophrenia.
We can also conclude that proper medication is essential to prevent situations like the one experienced by the ill-fated subject of this short and under funded study.
However, because we are so filled with hubris and stupidity, this often is not the case and patients are miss diagnosed, un-medicated and sometimes just told to "pull up their socks"

Finally, I urge all heath professionals and researchers to have there arms and legs surgically removed and have there head and body left in a desert, on a red ant hill, with no food or water, in the extreme heat and sun of the day and the bitter cold of night to experience the immense pain and frustration that these people experience.

Dr Mark Dumbfuck Gibson


----------



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Mark,

Thanks for sharing. Yours is definitely a very dramatic account of the wonders that treatment can do for people. The unfortunate thing is that not everyone gets "cured" by the same thing -- my stepfather swears by Xanax. It got him through his bouts of anxiety. Unfortunately, Xanax worked for me for a little while, but stopped being effective. BuSpar (buspirone) and Ativan also did nothing for my anxiety, or maybe I was just on too low a dose for them to be effective. I was on what I think is a pretty low dose of Klonopin (I was prescribed .5 mg twice a day, and I usually only took half a tablet at a time unless I was feeling really, REALLY freaked out), and it worked wonders for me.

I still have trouble understanding what DP/DR disorder really is, and whether for me it's a disorder on its own or a symptom of something else. I'm pretty sure in my case it's a symptom more than the cause, since it really only manifests itself when I'm feeling extreme anxiety. I'm getting a little better at managing it when it happens -- I tell myself that it's simply a symptom of my being stressed or over-anxious, and if I'm patient and I don't let it freak me out, it gradually subsides. Maybe this is common across the board, but I tend to feel better when things make sense. I think there's always been something slightly off in my brain chemistry -- I have always, always been a very nervous person. Even back to my childhood, I can remember having a lot of anxiety that I just had to swallow and get through. It really only came to a head when I was in my early twenties (I'm 27 now), and I'm thankful that I'm not one of those people who is too stubborn to get help. I've never been hospitalized for this, and I pray it will never come to that, because I'm pretty sure that would solidify my "I'm losing my mind" fear, even if it's not so.

I just have a couple of questions for you -- how long has your DP/DR been going on? (I think you may have mentioned this once before, but if you did, I forgot). Do you have any idea what may have caused it? How often would you say you suffer it now? I'm also curious as to why you think it can't be cured. From what I've read, some people do find a cure, while for some, it goes into "remission" for weeks, months, even years, but invariably comes back. I'm still trying to figure out which category I fall into -- I've had three or four bouts with it in the past five years, and I'm lucky in that for me, the symptoms have been at their most severe for a few days, with the overall "bouts" lasting a couple of weeks or a month before I see a drastic improvement (this is usually how long it takes for me to get to a doctor and get the prescription). I think just about every living person has probably felt a brief moment of DP/DR somewhere along the way, but most of them are able to brush it off and not think of it again. I tend to think I'm probably more prone to it than the average person, but I'd definitely like to get to the point where if and when it happens, I'm able to recognize it for what it is and get it to resolve itself before it gets severe.


----------



## Bosko (Nov 9, 2007)

i know exactly what u mean, i suffer the same thing, CONSTANT mental rape, feel like jmy arm is being cut off over and over. I hope u find what works for ya


----------

