# Accepting emotional abuse and childhood trauma?



## SaraBro (Feb 23, 2011)

I've now had dp/dr for four months. Thinking back it's been a hell of a journey, with alot of feelings/emotions - and I don't know what happened when and when I realized what. I know now that I only have DP, without DR or panic attacks, and I've realized I eventually ended up in this condition from childhood trauma and emotional abuse. I've always known my screwed up childhood has and will affect me, but I don't think I've known how much it's affected my defense mechanisms and stuff. I know it was the cannabis that triggered my final break down, but I know it just brought up the anxiety I had been feeling all my life.

My question is, how do I accept that I went through this? The dp is making it hard to focus on, since it's making everything feel weird and meaningless. It's hard to actually feel that the emotional abuse was real. My father died 2009, so I can't really confront him either. My shrink is telling me that I have to deal with the relationsship to my mother, and that I have alot of supressed anger against her. But I don't feel that yet. Is it gonna come to me, the more I think about it? Is thinking about it gonna bring me out of DP? It's also hard trying to stop using your defense mechanisms, I don't feel it's making anything better... just giving me more anxiety.

Cause right now I feel that I know that I had these problems, but it doesn't help me fight DP. I'm starting to think maybe the weed just screwed up my brain. I don't know? How do I process this realisation? I already know it was shit... exacly what is it I'm supposed to realize here?


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## Guest (Apr 25, 2011)

sara said:


> I've now had dp/dr for four months. Thinking back it's been a hell of a journey, with alot of feelings/emotions - and I don't know what happened when and when I realized what. I know now that I only have DP, without DR or panic attacks, and I've realized I eventually ended up in this condition from childhood trauma and emotional abuse. I've always known my screwed up childhood has and will affect me, but I don't think I've known how much it's affected my defense mechanisms and stuff. I know it was the cannabis that triggered my final break down, but I know it just brought up the anxiety I had been feeling all my life.
> 
> My question is, how do I accept that I went through this? The dp is making it hard to focus on, since it's making everything feel weird and meaningless. It's hard to actually feel that the emotional abuse was real. My father died 2009, so I can't really confront him either. My shrink is telling me that I have to deal with the relationsship to my mother, and that I have alot of supressed anger against her. But I don't feel that yet. Is it gonna come to me, the more I think about it? Is thinking about it gonna bring me out of DP? It's also hard trying to stop using your defense mechanisms, I don't feel it's making anything better... just giving me more anxiety.
> 
> Cause right now I feel that I know that I had these problems, but it doesn't help me fight DP. I'm starting to think maybe the weed just screwed up my brain. I don't know? How do I process this realisation? I already know it was shit... exacly what is it I'm supposed to realize here?


Just like you it was cannabis, along with alcohol, that ultimately triggerred my breakdown - or series of - but it followed a violent truama in my life, and with more perspective I can see the seeds were sown a long time before that in childhood.
For me, the big problem was the felt or core beliefs that I picked up about myself growing up; that ultimately I was worthless because no one was there for me, except maybe to criticise. When you are are young you take it opon yourself and believe its your fault. The sence of shame and self-reproach can be crushing.
So, the job is not to accept what happened so much as to allocate true responsibilty for what happened. Just because you feal something does not make it true, and if you rationally break down who was responsible you usually find you had precious little, if anything to do with it. After all, what power does a child have in an adult world? You think about it, but in a "decentred" way. That is, not dwelling on it, but looking at it as if it had happened to a friend, or imagining how a friend would view what happened to you.
You may then be left with a "Clean" anger, which is blaming those who are really responsible without self reproach, and hopefully a developing compassion for your younger self in the process. This anger can be helped when you can start to accept that those to blame were most likely unstable, damaged and not capable of providing what they should have and any child deserves. That's not the same as forgiving. 
I used EMDR for the extreme emotions, and I now use CBT for distrupting negative thought patterns - what I just described is from a cbt manual.
I dont know if any of this applys to you, it's just what came to mind.


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

sara said:


> I've now had dp/dr for four months. Thinking back it's been a hell of a journey, with alot of feelings/emotions - and I don't know what happened when and when I realized what. I know now that I only have DP, without DR or panic attacks, and I've realized I eventually ended up in this condition from childhood trauma and emotional abuse. I've always known my screwed up childhood has and will affect me, but I don't think I've known how much it's affected my defense mechanisms and stuff. I know it was the cannabis that triggered my final break down, but I know it just brought up the anxiety I had been feeling all my life.
> 
> My question is, how do I accept that I went through this? The dp is making it hard to focus on, since it's making everything feel weird and meaningless. It's hard to actually feel that the emotional abuse was real. My father died 2009, so I can't really confront him either. My shrink is telling me that I have to deal with the relationsship to my mother, and that I have alot of supressed anger against her. But I don't feel that yet. Is it gonna come to me, the more I think about it? Is thinking about it gonna bring me out of DP? It's also hard trying to stop using your defense mechanisms, I don't feel it's making anything better... just giving me more anxiety.
> 
> Cause right now I feel that I know that I had these problems, but it doesn't help me fight DP. I'm starting to think maybe the weed just screwed up my brain. I don't know? How do I process this realisation? I already know it was shit... exacly what is it I'm supposed to realize here?


Sara, Keep going to counseling and talk. It's normal to feel bewildered and as if in a maze of confusion. I found that the more I got counseling, the better I felt. I was also emotionally, physically and verbally abused by both alcoholic parents. It comes down to knowing the truth about the relationships you've gone through and finally realizing that you do have worth and you have a right to exist in this world and that there are people in this world who have major problems, like my parents, but it has nothing to do with me or my self-worth. My shrink told me my mother was an asshole once, and I was quite surprised, but then, it fit. I'm still getting counseling for the abuse. My DP was triggered by weed, also. I think I would have ended up with anxiety and DP'd as an adult, but, I don't think it would have been this bad if I hadn't smoked the weed, which gave me major, over-the-top symptoms. Hang in there, it will get better.


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## Guest (May 17, 2011)

sara said:


> I've now had dp/dr for four months. Thinking back it's been a hell of a journey, with alot of feelings/emotions - and I don't know what happened when and when I realized what. I know now that I only have DP, without DR or panic attacks, and I've realized I eventually ended up in this condition from childhood trauma and emotional abuse. I've always known my screwed up childhood has and will affect me, but I don't think I've known how much it's affected my defense mechanisms and stuff. I know it was the cannabis that triggered my final break down, but I know it just brought up the anxiety I had been feeling all my life.
> 
> My question is, how do I accept that I went through this? The dp is making it hard to focus on, since it's making everything feel weird and meaningless. It's hard to actually feel that the emotional abuse was real. My father died 2009, so I can't really confront him either. My shrink is telling me that I have to deal with the relationsship to my mother, and that I have alot of supressed anger against her. But I don't feel that yet. Is it gonna come to me, the more I think about it? Is thinking about it gonna bring me out of DP? It's also hard trying to stop using your defense mechanisms, I don't feel it's making anything better... just giving me more anxiety.
> 
> Cause right now I feel that I know that I had these problems, but it doesn't help me fight DP. I'm starting to think maybe the weed just screwed up my brain. I don't know? How do I process this realisation? I already know it was shit... exacly what is it I'm supposed to realize here?


I don't even want to read other posts in this thread. I believe you're close to find a key out of this.


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## crystal13 (Jun 19, 2011)

Dear Sara,
I have watched Byron Katie work with trauma abuse experiencers a lot, in real life; she's also to be seen on You Tube a lot.
Byron Katie has been abused herself as a child and the way she deals with it , I've seen people come off it in a matter of minutes.

The way she works may not be for everyone , but perhaps it might bring some light to your situation.

It makes sense that DP with you may have to do directly with the suppressed anger- suppressed anger a.o.emotions can cause dissociation and getting in touch with those feelings would bring one back to reality. Perhaps a therpist who works with, unlocking these emotions in any way (for example Gestalt therapy, or Encounter, or bodywork whereby you express your emotions by hitting a pillow or tear up telephone directory books-) might be a suggestion. I can imagine that by connecting with your emotional part and expressing it (even if this might be violent) you would reconnect with those suppressed parts of yourself again and come out stronger for it, in combination with verbal guidance on how to deal with relationships. I have seen it happen in abuse cases and with a good therapist,it can get you a lot further .

Maybe this is something for you.

Take care,
c13 xxx


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## Guest (Sep 26, 2011)

Rebekah said:


> Sara, Keep going to counseling and talk. It's normal to feel bewildered and as if in a maze of confusion. I found that the more I got counseling, the better I felt. I was also emotionally, physically and verbally abused by both alcoholic parents. It comes down to knowing the truth about the relationships you've gone through and finally realizing that you do have worth and you have a right to exist in this world and that there are people in this world who have major problems, like my parents, but it has nothing to do with me or my self-worth. My shrink told me my mother was an asshole once, and I was quite surprised, but then, it fit. I'm still getting counseling for the abuse. My DP was triggered by weed, also. I think I would have ended up with anxiety and DP'd as an adult, but, I don't think it would have been this bad if I hadn't smoked the weed, which gave me major, over-the-top symptoms. Hang in there, it will get better.


GREAT POST!!!


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

People don't come out of entire traumtic childhoods in minutes. It's not physically possible.


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