# A really bad day... after a long while...



## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Hey guys,

so after a really long GOOD phase, I am overwhelmed by a really horrible day









During the last weeks, I have worked a lot on my fears. These were mainly the fear because of my future job as a teacher (I did an internship and found a native speaker, who can help me to improve my spoken language) and the fear of becoming a mother (I have talked a lot about that, also with my therapist).

I really managed to get these fears under control, but now that these fears have calmed down immensely, another fear popps up, which is so much worse







Just a couple of weeks ago, I told a friend of mine that I have the best boyfriend in the world. We have been a couple for almost 5 years now. We seldom argued and everybody tells us what a perfect fit we are, ourselves included. DP/DR did not affect or relationship that much, because my boyfriend is very supportive and understanding and I always give him back as much as I can during good times. But now, suddenly, I start to doubt whether I still love him...or will be able to love him for the rest of my life... this is so terrible...This mere thought breaks my heart, I could cry every waking moment...

We are engaged. We are planning to have children one day. I have never questioned my love for him. Never ever. This new fear brings me to my knees...

I exactly know what my therapist would ask: "What would be so terrible about not loving him anymore." And I would just reply: "That I would lose him." What is so bad about losing someone you do not love anyway? All this makes no sense...

My mind is really fucked up at the moment...I do not know what I want...regarding every aspect of my life...

Why will my mind stop torturing me like this??? Whenever I succeeded to overcome one fear/negative thought, another ons pops up, mostly worse than the ones before...

Argh.

Best wishes,
Steffi


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

j4mtj said:


> I have OCD and used to get those all the time, once I calmed down from one thing another thought popped up to scare me - my mind was my tormenter!


Yeah, this is it. Exactly. And it is sooo frustrating... whenever I manage to control some of these thoughts and start to feel better, new things pop up... this is so annoying









I know that negative intrusive thoughts are common in anxiety disorders and depression. I KNOW that. Netherless, each time I start to wonder: "What if this is not the case this time? What if this is TRUE?"

I guess I have to learn to ignore those thoughts. But this is really really tough when it comes to my beloved ones. Gosh, you took my self and my desires, you won't take my beloved ones from me


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Ok, this is NOT fun anymore









I managed to bear the fear of failing at my job... I was able to bear the fear of having children....I was even able to bear the fear of losing control over all this and ending who-knows-where... but this is TOO MUCH.

Honestly, I could go up the walls right now.

This is not fair. I invested so much work in facing my fears in order to... yeah, in order to what? Being punished by worse fears??

I just don't want to lose him as well


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## Another Name (Mar 18, 2011)

Ok. You went to your therapist a few days ago, didn't you. You're just in a process. Maybe something triggered something during the last session. Wait, wait and it will pass by. You have been much better during the last weeks, you say. Wait and you will return to being better. It will pass.
And don't forget to see your therapist and tell him about it.

Send me a pm, if you want. And if it's only to complain.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

I don't mind being miserable when I just know I have my boyfriend. God, please give me back those times I could not sleep the whole night, could not get out of bed and was afraid to vomit each morning. GIVE THEM BACK, please, but do not take him away from me









I thought I knew what hell was. I didn't. Fuck those times I was afraid of suicide and the world. JUST FUCK THEM. This is so much worse. It feels as if my whole world just falls apart.

Sorry for writing this nonsence.

I really wonder what I did wrong that I am punished like this. I can't go on without him, I just can't.

Ok God, give me lifelong DP, but do not take away my love for him!!! (everybody is allowed to throw things at me now) I am saying this from the bottom of my heart.


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## Another Name (Mar 18, 2011)

1. You CAN go without him.
2. You need not go without him.

He is not leaving you. You will get better. HE IS NOT LEAVING YOU!!!
And the love you have for him is still there, you feel it, you just can't realize you're feeling it. Hey, I'm 15 years married with constant dp/dr, if I manage that, you can manage it easily. Focus on something else. Do it NOW.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I know what you mean. I've been getting these big, nasty, negative thoughts lately, that seem like an OCD thing amplified by DP, and they just sit there between me and the reality of my life, which is really good. I think it's a sign of progress that they're actually directed at circumstances of my life, instead of picking apart the reality of my existence like my dp used to do a lot more, but they're also kind of grittier, closer in, and more uncomfortable. That could show that the numbness is decreasing, too. I'd like to think so, anyway


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for your help guys







I feel a little bit calmer now *puuh*

I have read that those intrusive thoughts mostly reflect on what you fear the most. I am sure this is true. I am also sure this is due to the loss which caused my DP. I have made the experience that it is indeed possible to not be able to handle a loss on your own, which makes me panic. I am afraid to lose someone that is so damn important to me again, without being able to do anything about it.

I have an appointment with my therapist now and I know what we will talk about *sigh*


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

dpsince2002 said:


> I think it's a sign of progress that they're actually directed at circumstances of my life, instead of picking apart the reality of my existence like my dp used to do a lot more, but they're also kind of grittier, closer in, and more uncomfortable. That could show that the numbness is decreasing, too.


That sounds logical... I used to get those scary feelings out of nowhere, now they are related to real life circumstances. That feels much more overwhelming, but at least there is something to work on, right?

Being afraid of something does not necessarily mean I did something wrong before, does it? Caus if so, I did everything wrong in life I could


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

So I am back from my appointment with my therapist.

I shall research obsessive intrusive thoughts for next week. Guess why


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

So it has been a month now since these negative thoughts have entered my mind. I have fought like a tiger against them- with absolutely NO success. I haven't eaten well for these 4 weeks and I am really losing hope. I am so fucking afraid I will loose him as well.

Honestly, I still stick to that: I would rather prefer having DP for all my life than these negative thoughts.

@jm4tj: How can I know they are really just negative intrusive thoughts? This uncertainty is simply driving me insane... I haven't stopped thinking about it for all these 4 weeks. And it is NOT fun.

Any ideas what I could do against it?


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you very much for your reply









Yeah, these thoughts are TERRIBLE. They start in the morning right after I have opened my eyes and kind of follow me the WHOLE day. Reassurance from others helps for a short while, but then the doubts come up again and torture me. There are moments, in which I just KNOW, deeply, that I love my boyfriend so damn much and that all this is just a stupid nightmare, but there are also moment, in which I am almost convinced that my feelings are going away and that I can do nothing about it.

I am doing CBT at the moment and I hope that will help. I do not want to try meds, but I will look into the supplements, thank you









And your ps... yeah, that is exactly the way I fell


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