# suicide attempt landed me in psych ward, now on the run



## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

A few days ago I came to the end of the line and said fuck it I'm done. I took 40 xanax pills and 20 adderall before I went to sleep hoping to not wake up in the morning. Well I did and I actually felt really good and was painting but was acting really fucked up so someone in the house called 911.

They took me to the hospital where I stayed overnight and then put me on a 51/50 hold where I had to stay in a psych ward for 3 days. So I was pretty pissed off but really had no choice so I waited out the 3 days with the rest of the loonies and when my term came up the bitch ass doctor put me on another hold for 2 WEEKS!!! Because I had refused to take any drugs.

So I said fuck it and hopped a 15 foot wall and began running for my life only to find a boatload of security/cops chasing my ass. I hid in some bushes and well it's a long story and I don't think I should post on here just in case but I eventually made it out to a bus stop and then hitched a ride to a friends house. So now I'm just kind of waiting it out hoping things will settle down within the next few weeks so I can go home.

Hope you all are doing well and if there's one thing I've learned it's if you want to kill yourself don't do it with pills. :|

Blessings,
Kenny


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## Guest (Jun 29, 2008)

Please, please, please don't kill yourself  Kenny it's going to get better, the way you feel now is just a chemical imbalance and things arn't what they seem! It's not that bad it just seems it. Please stay with us. *hugs you forever so you can't let go* xx

I can't stress this enough, I don't want you to die :'(


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## Guest (Jun 29, 2008)

Hi Kenny ,you wouldnt be the first to do a runner from the psych ward :lol: ,but you can guarentee the police will come and get you again ,they always did me,and then they put you on emergency section which I think is section 28 untill the doc arrives I think thats what you were talking about.I actually quite like the psych ward which is a good thing because I might end up back in there real soon.Its allways scary the first time but after a while you get used to it,its not so bad.
I had a feeling you had done this after you wrote that post the other night,if you ever want to talk please dont hesitate to Pm,msn me,I know its not much but I will understand and sometimes that can help a bit.Im not gonna say im sorry you feel so bad coz youre probably tired of hearing that shit,I know I am.

Take care
Spirit.


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## hurricane12 (May 22, 2008)

woah i hope your not serious i read the thing you posted the other day about you wanting to commit suicide but didnt think you would actually try it. but dam you shouldnt kill yourself over something like this theres no point. you may get better soon and we all die one day and nobody really knows what happens when you die it could be worse. if death is anything like dp i definatly dont wanna die. i use to have suicidal thoughts all the time and still do thats what put me in this situation not caring whether i live or die. now i actually do care and i realize how important life really is and you should too, so hang in there


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## Guest (Jun 29, 2008)

wOOt! You rulz Kenny! Steath is key! :mrgreen:


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

sweetypie said:


> Please, please, please don't kill yourself  Kenny it's going to get better, the way you feel now is just a chemical imbalance and things arn't what they seem! It's not that bad it just seems it. Please stay with us. *hugs you forever so you can't let go* xx
> 
> I can't stress this enough, I don't want you to die :'(


**hugs sweetypie very tightly while shedding a tear** thank you sooo much your the best 



Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> wOOt! You rulz Kenny! Steath is key! :mrgreen:


LOL :lol: Thanks Darren!

Thank you guys so much for posting. I am feeling better and am at home now. Surprisingly enough they took the hold off since I escaped and I don't have to go back. Just had to meet face to face with the po po today to clear the missing person report. That's right - fuck you stupid psychiatrists who think they can lock me down and drug me up FUCK YOU GOD DAMN DOCTORS!!!

On a serious note I'm very thankful for you all. I consider you guys some of my best friends and on many days being able to come here and post/relate to other people has given me the will to carry on.

Bless you all.

Kenny


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

gosh i was worried this had happened, too. i'm so glad you're okay. oh gosh. it's easy to see that you mean a lot to people here.  thank god you're okay.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

you are part of all that is
and Nature is cruel but 
we are all subject to her wrath
so you are definately not alone
although you are, paradoxically

for me the worst part of being human
is being lonely

we're alone but we're also not
cos we exist in one space


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## Guest (Jun 30, 2008)

You da man... drangon uppercut da mofo's! :mrgreen:


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## Guest (Jun 30, 2008)

Hi Kenny,youre probably not gonna like what I have to say much ,tough  But how long are you gonna run from yourself?
Besides the fact that you are scared,the way youve made a big joke out of attempting suicide and escaping the psych ward shows youre not facing reality or taking responsibility for the fact that you DO have problems.
I know ,I know...youve probably heard all this everyday from your mum and whoever...whinging and moaning at you and then youre like "Well what the f*ck do you want me to do?" with some rage and hurt feelings thrown in...because you dont know what the hell youre suposed to do...right?
Last year a freind I met in the psych ward killed herself,I was gutted because she hadnt told anyone how bad she was feeling....you see people just dont know Kenny,other people dont have the answar to the question of "What the hell should I do then?" YOU DO.
If you had of stayed put in the psych ward at least untill you were ascessed properly,etc...then you may have found some possible answars and solutions to your problems.Thats what happened to me,the first two times I ran out of the psych ward within two hours of being there.The third time however I stuck it out for six weeks and it was the best thing I ever did I got a diagnosis...I got some help ,I faced my responsibilitys and started to work on my problems.

Its not fair to the people who care about you on here kenny like sweetypie[one example],that you left a post saying you would end it and then disapear for several days.leaving those possibly emotionaly vunerable people worrying about you..if you really wanted to die kenny you wouldnt have even bothered telling anyone you were thinking about it.It was plain manipulation and attention seeking ,been there done it MANY TIMES ,let me tell you it aint gonna get you better.You can run and run from yourself and your problems and never get better or you can face your responsibilitys like a man,the smart man that I know you really are.

Only YOU can do this Kenny.

Im not saying any of this to hurt you Kenny ,I like you very much,im coming from a good place .And beleive me ive had all this stuff said to me before.What are your plans now?...see a care plan ,though I loath those words has its uses.

OK,OK so I ran out of the psych ward the last time also.......but i had a very good reason that time ,trust me.
Some woman in the intensive care room kept singing oprah in VERY high tones at 5 am every morning ,if I hadnt had left I swear I would have throttled her :lol: ...........

Take care
Spirit.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Spirit the fact that I took 40 xanax and 20 adderall pills proves that I wasn't making a joke. This past week I felt more desperate and hopeless than ever before. No one at home understands me so this is the place I go to to get all of my crap out because I know others can relate. To tell you the truth I felt pretty good about my self that I was able to make an escape over a 15 foot wall and past a boatload of security guards/cops. Since I no longer have many friends in the real world to tell my story to I wanted to share it here. Sorry if I provoked a message that scared you and other people. I don't really think about these things not having emotions of my own.

I also had a better than average reason for leaving. My doctor barely spoke english and didn't listen to a word I said. I'm not guna sit around and let someone like that lock me up in a room for 2 weeks while I listen to her arabic with an english accent and get put on a million different meds.  Maybe I don't have a solid plan for getting better but that doesn't mean that I don't care and it doesn't mean I'm not still trying to find my way through life.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

delete


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Emulated Puppet}eer said:


> You da man... drangon uppercut da mofo's! :mrgreen:


Hell ya!!!! Send em straight through the roof!!!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :!:


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

what were you thinking before you took the pills
if you could have died by now, you may as well be brutally honest


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## Terri (Dec 19, 2006)

3333


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

well said and well put


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2008)

wOOt! Mindful just whooped soomone's ass, left... right and centre! :mrgreen:


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## Guest (Jul 1, 2008)

Mindful said:


> my thoughts on people announcing they are contemplating suicide isn't just an attention seeking strategy in most cases, it may have been for you spirit.
> I think it is a way of gaining control/power over this thing we call depersonalization.
> I don't know Kenny, you may well have REALLY wanted to end it, but as spirit quite rightly pointed out you would have kept it quite.
> I think we have thoughts about this or attempt to do this to gain control over ourselves again, it's a way of proving to ourselves that we as an individual still hold the power, we can end this anytime we want to, it's more of a pseudo thought, well for me it is.
> Deep down you are still Kenny, NOTHING can change that.


I didnt say it allways means that,it was the way kenny came on here and made a big jokey thing about it.Yes I have attemped it several times ,a few times for attention I ADMIT THAT,i am facing reality, and the last time not,the police broke my door down because I like kenny escaped from the psych ward intent on suicide.I havnt read whatever you deleated kenny ,if you have something to say to me ,please do.If you want to scream ,shout and curse at me ,go ahead.I just think you are not taking responsibility for your problems and yes I know you dont know what to f*cking do.....
I wasnt attacking you ,ive felt suicidal for several weeks ,but I havent told anyone untill now.NOT A SOUL.
Right now I feel like my life is a sad fact without a point,im not dp again just having a relapse with bpd..,though im discerning enough to know that these are just feelings and ill kill them before they kill me.I was trying to meet you on a level kenny not patronise you mate.
Years ago I did the same thing ,Came on here several times saying I was going to end it....why did i do that?..because i thought it might make someone listen,it might bring an answar,It doesnt .Many mental health sites do not allow people on who are activley suicidal.They also have a suicide thread explaining what you should do,which i suggested in comments and suggestions...In my mind telling people you are going to do it is a way of giving yourself one last chance.But when youre genuinly suicidal there is nothing that anyone on an internet forum can do for ,you see? which frustrates some people ,and scares others who are in a similar frame of mind to yourself.
I feel for you kenny ,i want you to get better more an anything ,i want you all to get better thats why i came back to offer suport if i could,I know its f*cking hell ,i know youre in agonising mental pain and want to make it stop.But I cant and neither can anyone else ,nonne can help you UNLESS YOU allow them to do so.Unless you accept that you have problems and accept help for them instead of running.You can run and run ,I know I did ,but it doesnt acheive anything.You CAN do this ,hang in there with me and trust me.

With love
Spirit.


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## Terri (Dec 19, 2006)

3333


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

I am feeling too stupid to say anything meaningful but hang in there you all. 
You're beautiful people. Don't die. *hugs*


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2008)

That's ^^^ why Layla is so so cuddible :mrgreen: she's so sweet!


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## Guest (Jul 2, 2008)

Mindful said:


> Spirit said:
> 
> 
> > I didnt say it allways means that,it was the way kenny came on here and made a big jokey thing about it..
> ...


Right lets clear this up.When I say "Attention seeking" I dont mean it in the usual way,the childish selfish way.I mean it as "crying for help" or Trying to control your reality through suicidal threats and ideation.Sure there is nothing wrong with talking about suicide ,but being activley suicidal is a very differant thing.What I meant by "manipulating" Is useing that suicidal ideation or thoughts to get a reaction out of others...so you can gain some kind of faulty control over the situation.I didnt mean it in a horrible manipulative way,the usual way,but as a coping stratagy.And by the way not everytime I attempted suicide or thought about it was "attention seeking".Sometimes it was the only thought I could keep hold of to have at least one viable option of escaping the pain ,other times i actually wanted to do it.I wasnt implying kenny was horrible or wrong for doing these things ,simply that they are faulty ways of trying to control your reality,when there are better ways of taking responsibility[gaining control].If somone is suicidal ,it doesnt matter what you say to them,its their responsibility.Its their life and therefore up to them to take responsibility and accept the correct help.If somone doesnt want to take that help ,then I know ,there is nothing anyone can do for them.Untill I accepted that help and started doing some real work on myself with my psychiatrist I didnt get better...and if I had carried on trying to cope that way then I would still be DP and in hell.
Ive had some suicidal ideation these last few weeks ,but im not planing on actually doing it.I see through these thoughts now ,they are my minds old faulty ways of avoiding issues and coping with old painful feelings.Im begining to recongnise these feelings as the feelings of an abandoned child supressed within me,it only becomes dangerous when I mistake them for feelings in the present,connected to the present and act them out,act on them in the present.They are very strong painful feelings from years ago that i have stuffed down with crapey coping mechanisms.Ive learned new coping skills now.I know that now these feelings have to be felt,expressed in healthy ways.I have to feel them,thats what ive been doing these past few weeks and it hurts alot.Somtimes they make me litterally dizzy,other times they make me feel sick,but staying with them is the only way.This is why ive been acting a bit crazy these last few weeks.But im gradually feeling much better again.
Its ok ,I expected someone to say to me what you said ,but i still stand by what I said because of intuition.Its not all about sooth saying you know ,sometimes people do need to be shown the reality of a situation and have a kick up the bum now and again for their own good,lol...i didnt expect anyone to like it one bit...Take a good parent for example ,the healthy love of a parent for a child is healthy,they love with courage ,enough courage to say what needs to be said ,even if you hate them for it.

With love
Spirit.


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

kenny is officially my new hero

takes balls to do something like that, and scale a 15ft wall? .. the SAS are missing you mate 

best i could do when i was "in" was avoid the active schizos.. and sleep with a sharp comb under my pillow...


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

but lets be honest now.. how many of us feel we deserve to die?

i fucking do... ill never do anything, i wanted to be a scientist .. now thats fucked... so whats left: FUCK ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!

fucking world full of normals who have no idea what the fuck is going on... no empathy all they care about is fucking football and what fucking colleen fucking rooney is doing with her hair.......

fucking wankers.... someone kill me for a tenner


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

I DONT FUCKING BELONG HERE


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

have a scared you? FUKING GOOOD! now fuck off...


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## Cam (Dec 13, 2006)

> have a scared you? FUKING GOOOD! now flower* off...


 :? :|


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2008)

MrMister said:


> I DONT flower* BELONG HERE


This is exactly what I used to say ,well more precisley i used to say "Im not suposed to be here"...which is a lyric from a slipknot song i think as well.


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## coffeecup (Jun 29, 2008)

oh god slipknot.. now i know ive lost it...

seriously sorry for the rant the other night... got wasted on 10 cans of olde english cider.. then took 60mg of cip and 20 of loritadine... not a good mix i suppose 

anyway.. sorry to anyone i offended


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## Guest (Jul 17, 2008)

I think you confused more than offended anyone.I still like slipknot!  though not stonesour-their new band-alot of shit.


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2008)

I don't like cider =*(... unless it's pear cider =)


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2008)

Who said anything bout cider? oh he did sorry....cant you sleep Darren ,me either...anyway I hate cider its disgusting poison


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2008)

Nah... but I bet if we put our minds and bodies together... we'd sleep :wink: :mrgreen: (That's me perv settled for the week.. thanks).


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2008)

:roll: NO.


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2008)

Oh man... I've just been a perv again in another thread..! :| :mrgreen: Meowwwww.... :wink: come now... Only a little nibble


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## xxxphillixxx (Jun 24, 2008)

emulated, if these forums had some kind of perv king award, id give it to you.


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## meghan28 (Jan 3, 2008)

I'm happy to hear you're safe! Hang in there, we all know how you feel!


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