# Imagine a new self



## Captain_K (Aug 22, 2004)

Hello....

It's rare that I post up in the area, ususally I spend my time below deck on the EUPHORIA. However I thought I'd add some of my experience with DP.

I no longer have DP, just fleeting moments of DR. My DP was of a cyclical nature that started when I was about 15, with the death of my mother.

It returned with a vengeance back in 1989. Absolutely full blown with every symptom listed on this board.

Back then I was not on the internet, indeed I don't even think there was an internet as we know today. Thus I was very naive about DP. There was no information out the, doctors, therapist had no clue, very similar to the way it is today.

I know that I felt I had lost my "self". I felt like a faceless house, just a building, not a home.

I *imagined* that I could rebuild my "self" from the inside out. I read just a bit of Carl Jung and his use of mandalas to help patients...that it represented the psyche. So I thought, well...I'll build it from scratch. I'm not saying that I was going to build a new personality but instead build this mystery that is inside and not fully understood. These pieces of color and shapes are the symbols of what made up my ?self?. Like putting myself back together again.

What I did for days and days and days was build my own mandalas. My medium was digital drawing. There was no logical understanding of myself, but instead an intuitive feeling of wholeness with each mandala. I felt this wholeness when the mandala was completed. I was even sad when the mandala was done because I would once again feel my self slipping away. Like I said, I imagined this...and in a way my naivety about it, lack of knowledge in an odd way forced me to depend on myself for a path out. A doorway.

I must stress this was one thing I did that helped me. I'm not saying this is a cure, but it really helped me. Making things like that are part of my nature.

Sincerely,

Captain K


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## LOSTONE (Jul 9, 2005)

I guess now we all know how you became a Captain, Captain K!


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## terri* (Aug 17, 2004)

I decided to post under Captain_K's post because years ago, when I first came here, he was one of my
first friends. Revelation had started this up in hopes of helping his girlfriend and giving people with
DP/DR a place to go. He did a great job of it. It was the time of Janine and Dreamer, Martinelv, JC,
Sebastian, SoulBrotha and lots of others who I 
laughed with, cried with and yes, some who we all had knock down drag outs with. lol. We were a bunch
of mixed up people who had found a place that offered us something. And that something was others
that knew what we were feeling, seeing and going thru. Like most people with this disorder who find this
website, I was overwhelmed by the sense of community with people suffering like I was and I became
a regular visitor. I think at one point Martinelv and I were almost tied for most post. THAT meant one
thing...I was here wayyyyy too much. But it was solice from the day to day living with DR. It took me away
from the anxiety, fear, separation from friends and families which DR had given me and robbed from me.

To make this short, I spent a few years in talk therapy, did Biofeedback (which I was always a big advocate
of), tried to take every pill everyone else had ever tried. I had severe physical reactions to all of them, headaches, 
nausea, making it all so much worse. They compounded prozac for me and gave it to me 1/4 tsp at a time but I still 
could not build up to a clinical dose. The last med I tried was Lexapro. Again, I could never get up to a clinical 
dose with that one. The only med I have ever been able to take is Klonopin. I still take the original doseage I
was taking so long ago when I was here, .05 in the a.m. and 1 mg in the p.m.. There used to be huge
arguements about the useage of Klonopine when I was here. I assume that all that is written is still
under the guise of this is what worked for me. I am sorry for those that have had a problem with this
med and I in no way suggest this as a cure. Again, I tell this strictly from my perspective.

So, I stayed a couple of years around here and went thru all the ups and downs of DR. I still have DR but
have learned to live with it. That is where the change took place for me. For years I let DR live in me and
take over completely. I would read how people would say to just ignore it. I thought they had lost their
minds giving such stupid advice because how could you possibly ignore something that is so all consuming?
But you know what? That is indeed what happened. I just kept plugging away at life, I am in my mid 50's
now and have had it for over 15 years, and now I just hardly ever notice it. Yes, there are still times
when "it" comes flying in to haunt me...if I get extremely anxious, if I have been in bed with back problems
for long periods of time. But 95% of the time I go thru my life being very unaware of how everything still
"looks funny". I have grown accustomed to looking in the mirror and not seeing the "girl" I used to be.
I still "look funny". And at this point of the ballgame, I guess I always will. It's just that now I am too tired
of DR to fight it. When I got tired of fighting it and just went on with my day of looking funny and
talking to people when they looked funny and feeling so much anxiety and depression but just kept on
keeping on...it just became a part of me like the color of my hair and the way I speak.

I wish all of you here who are still struggling, who have just been diagnosed or found your way here, a
road to recovery or the abilitity to live with it.


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## Guest (Jan 18, 2009)

I remember the old days here with Jc, shelley, sleepingbeauty, Janine, Wendy and many many others, and Rev used to kick around the site a bit more too which was cool, shame he doesnt anymore but understandable we all have busy lives. I remember Captain K and the sub-forum also with everyone sailing for euphoria... :wink: . I am not sure I remember you so maybe our ships passed in the night....  I left and then recovered and came back to offer hope of recovery. Good luck on the rest of your healing journey and thank you for coming back and sharing with us.

Lynsey.


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