# Introducing you to my hell.



## panicman (Oct 7, 2015)

Hello forum,

I'll try to introduce you to my little story. Before I do that, please excuse my grammar.. I will try my best.
Ok, first of all, I'm 27 and I feel like I'm getting out of 27 years of DEEP COMA, honestly it's exactly how I feel, I can't remember myself feeling

different and I can relate myself to anyone of you here.
I was FOREVER unhappy as far as I can remember and it was the only "reality" I ever knew, I mean I thought this is what life is, this is how it should

be and I didn't experienced anything else before. Of course, there were times of happy momments but not extraordinary, I've been constantly running for

and from something and I never knew what that is and I've never been satisfied with myself.
Going through numerous experiences durring my life things escaleted one year ago when I had a break-up, I started abusing weed and took few xtc pills

that messed me up so, so, so bad. I was already very deeply depressed, imagine how I felt after the effect of ectasy vanished, completely blank.
But on the other hand, something positive happened of my abuse of these drugs. For the first time ever, I started to question my feelings/reality and my

overall well-being, I started to realise what exactly means when I'm shaking for no reason, when I have the fantasy-dream like state of mind, when I'm

dizzy when my mind is rushing, when I can't sleep. I started to come to the conclusion that I am depressed, high anxiety, panic attacks,

depersonalisation, derealisation, few ocd's and so on, I had/have them all.
I mean, I was so used to them and I never thought that it may be wrong, unnatural. Depression, anxiety was my only reality I ever experienced.
When I started to come to my senses a little and eliminate few of my concerns I always had in my mind since forever, things started to get a little

clear each time and I was REALLY freaked out, I though wow ... this isn't real, this isn't me, being calm, happy and ok for no reason it deffinitely

must be something wrong, you can't be like that ...just like that, something must be wrong somewhere. So I started to get back in my overly-constant

anxiety daily routine. I used to have so many anxiety attacks that I would feel strange and different without them (imagine that).
Let me put a list of my symptoms:

1. The OCD's (manual breathing, manual swallowing), If I ever try to ignore these two automatic bodily functions I have the sensation that I'm chocking

or stopped breathing. This one is killing me but now that I realised it for the first time, I'm starting to develope some skills in making it better.

2. Cold hands, cold feet (I kind of lost the feeling of cold/hot, I mean I do feel it but in a strange different way).

3. The most annoying thing from the list : I feel like I'm radio-controlled and forcibly move my feet, hands and so on, it's really f000d up.

4. I disconnect myself from reality 90% of the time. I mean, I'm in the room physically, my vision gets focused on something but I'm deep in my mind, in

my own world. Even when driving, I'm on auto-pilot, I'm not 100% there, just physically.

5. From time to time, when I get few 100% lucid moments, I feel like I'm in a fantasy world, I get curious by the most silly things such as clouds, or a

tree and I get mesmerized by it. It's so messed up.

6. I feel like I'm losing my mind, when reality strikes me, gives me a punch from time to time I suddenly wake up and I think it's unreal.

7. I can't fell asleep, I have to remind myself constantly that I'm still breathing, whenever I go to sleep I'm on manual mode breathing and it's

impossible to fall asleep because I have to breathe and I do it myself, I imagine the whole thing. I can only sleep when I'm overexhausted by it and it

happens suddenly.

8. I'm constantly dizzy and I feel like i'm colapsing each moment of time.

9. I lost my apetite entierly (underweight), I only eat just to keep myself from dying.

10. I fell in love with every girl that fits my problems and I get bored after the sensation leaves and it leaves me more depressed and blaming myself

for not doing 100% for it.

11. I'm constantly worried by ANYTHING, even when there's friends around I worry if they think I behave strange, say stupid unrelated things, moving

awkward and so on.

What seems to make me feel a little better:

I started taking magnesium and vit. b6, even tho I feel sedated and constantly wanting to get to sleep it kind of makes sense because my mind was

exhausted by these thoughts and feelings for many, many, many years and without proper sleep I feel like I'm getting out of coma and I'm more and more

confident about what I feel and I'm starting to notice the anxiety for what it is and kind of conquering it everyday.
Running, helps also, it makes me a little calm takes all the energy I used to put into "thinking" and digging into my thoughts.

This should be enough I guess.. and hopefully I will wake up from this nightmare sooner or later.


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## vanuti vetru (Sep 7, 2015)

I can relate to many points from your list. I think it's very important that you've recognized this state and feel there's a way out of it.

As far as supplementation goes, i'd add zinc and potassium (helped me for cold hands and weight loss). Also a vitamin B complex. Mg+B6 is not a sedating combo by itself so it's indeed quite possible your nervous system is very tired. In such case, you may consider taking 5-HTP as well.


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## montrealcanadiens1996 (Sep 18, 2015)

I understand what you are going through and it really sucks. I understand the sensation of feeling like being in a coma. And being disconnected. Something that helps me get out of this coma like state is to do things that strike positive emotions within me. Things that might be small, like watching your favorite tv show. Spending time with people you love might also help. I know these things are hard sometimes as you may not feel completely present in the moment, but igniting little moments of happiness can combat this monotonous feeling of being on auto pilot and being in a coma. It looks like you are super aware of yourself which is causing your DP. Getting cognitive behavior therapy and seeing a psychiatrist to reduce the anxiety might also help. But focus on the little moments of life that's what I do and it gets me through the day


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