# I want to commit suicide



## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

DP has robbed me of everything. I always said to my parents - I will never be stupid enough to kill myself, but I don't see the point anymore. I've lost my self completely, I can't socialize with people anymore without wanting to run away from them. I can't look anyone in the eye. I can't cry, can't feel anything except a bubble like sensation.

What's the point? I can't believe I'm even writing a thread like this.

This is so all-consuming, it feels like it has been sent here to kill me, destroy every last trace of confidence I had left.

I want my self back


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## nickv (Dec 15, 2012)

You have hit as low as you can get, please dont give up. you'll be ok. just change. their is so much more to life, and it can only go up and no longer down. please try to fight. think to yourself, im gonna fight. let it come, dont fight it. your trying to fight it but you cant. just let it sink in and it will all get better. I will pray for you


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## Grublet (Jun 25, 2012)

.


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## KaiserKlayton (Jun 17, 2010)

I've been there and back again, my friend. After the low will come good. You are real, and you have a self. You've written a post and here we are seeing it. You still exist, and will get better. Hang in there.


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## AussiePheonix (Dec 5, 2012)

I hear you brother. I have recently acquired this DP/DR 3 months ago and become suicidal and now in a mental hospital. Not sure how I'm going to make it through this.


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## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

There really is hope. If you are at a really low point, I suggest you spend the $40 on DP manual. That will be your bible until you are recovered, but it works. Trust that life will get good again!


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## AllThatRemains (Nov 8, 2012)

The dead only know one thing it is better to be alive

if you feel dead right now what would be the point of making yourself more dead

your self is still there your experience is just different it's a negative one that's the problem

the problem is you can't enjoy yourself because there is a dp/dr cycle in the way

If you want to kill yourself then there is an enemy inside of you not a friend.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I'm in exactly the same place u r midnight last night I was in my hotel room and I could feel the DR creeping back in which I haven't had in years!! I am severely depressed and last. Night was pretty scary for me I really could not see a way out of this and I has urges to jump off the building


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I lived in that state for a long time. I came to realize that I did not truly want to die, I just wanted to feel better. I know this is the case for you. I'm here 2 years later almost fully recovered. Don't give up on life. Seek peace and happiness.


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## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

Please try to get help. There is a lot of help available. Don't give up. I can see you are struggling, but the feeling is temporary. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


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## Guest (Dec 23, 2012)

You will look back in the future at yourself in the past and be glad you didn't do it! TRUST me.

Suicide is IT. Don't rob yourself of all that life you have left to live, and all those chances you have, every day, to start a new.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I'm in exactly the same place u r midnight last night I was in my hotel room and I could feel the DR creeping back in which I haven't had in years!! I am severely depressed and last. Night was pretty scary for me I really could not see a way out of this and I has urges to jump off the building


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## Bjorn (Nov 8, 2012)

Iv'e never been beaten by anything in my hole life but this... It looks like its game set and match.. i see but don't feel..

Don't give up yet

Busy yourself buddy you will be missed


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Luke_Mahoney said:


> There really is hope. If you are at a really low point, I suggest you spend the $40 on DP manual. That will be your bible until you are recovered, but it works. Trust that life will get good again!


thanks. Fuck, I really shouldn't drink alcohol in this state of consciousness. It fucks me up majorly.

I had a look at the book and it seems to echo what alot of people are saying - distraction cures. How can it though? I feel like I have alot of emotional problems, I'm not sure what they are about anymore, but ignoring them isn't going to help - and that's what distraction is, or atleast seems like.

Did you have similar concerns?


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## CharlieFreak (Nov 19, 2012)

Midnight said:


> thanks. Fuck, I really shouldn't drink alcohol in this state of consciousness. It fucks me up majorly.
> 
> I had a look at the book and it seems to echo what alot of people are saying - distraction cures. How can it though? I feel like I have alot of emotional problems, I'm not sure what they are about anymore, but ignoring them isn't going to help - and that's what distraction is, or atleast seems like.
> 
> Did you have similar concerns?


Of course I did! DP causes emotions and thoughts that you never thought were possible and the scary thing is, you can't even put you finger on what they are. I know it seems like these emotions are scaring, and even once you are recovered they will haunt you. That is false; recovery means you are 100% the person you were before. NO changes, NO "new appreciation" for life, just the same old you and the same old life you used to live, with the trivial ups and downs of good days and bad days. You no longer question things, or live in your head. You can reflect on life when you want to, but when you no longer want to, you can dismiss those thoughts and go back to experiencing your day. By distractions, people mean doing things that you did before DP that make you who you are. After a while of doing this, your mind slowly finds meaning in those things and DP will fade. Any questions, just private message me.


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## peanut butter (Nov 9, 2012)

Nothing is more depressing than hearing "you'll get over it" from people who have it chronic and have not recovered.


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## Dead (Dec 2, 2012)

I wish i can say something to make you feel better and i hope you get throught this. I'm going to be honest with you i already know im going commit suicide just dont know when. Dp is torture so you're not alone with these thoughts and i will not keep living in hell. Everyday i tell myself do it now, but never do.


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## RichUK (Oct 6, 2011)

Hey hang in there matey, I have felt very low like you in the past but it does get better. Do you have chance to meet up with some mates or family over Christmas.
Social situations with DP can be hard at first but in the end they always make me feel better. Please please don't do anything silly you have everything to live for.

Rich


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## gasspanicc (Mar 21, 2012)

Im exactly where you are buddy. It sucks but you have no choice but to live. I don't want to die, but it's very difficult living like this. I'm not suicidal,but of course extinguishing yourself is going to pop up if youre going through misery. I was against suicide before things hit the fan, and i still am now, i can't go against my original morals. GL you'll be ok.


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## RichUK (Oct 6, 2011)

What if you don't feel as though you have any emotional issues to resolve. I have had a really good life so far, as house, a job loving family and friends around me yet I still suffer from DR. I'd love to have some issue to resolve that would stop DR but to be onist dont think there is anything. I just put it down to how my brain functions and I just have a predisposition to suffer from DR. The more I accept this the less power it seems to have, no one is perfect in this world.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

Susto said:


> you're just fooling youself. there is no brain predisposition, this is invented.
> 
> you suffer only DR? so you don't have DPD, and maybe this DR is not even real derealization... with DPD you feel like you don't know who you are, like you have no sense of self. how did your DR started?


Hi Susto, thanks for the long reply.

I know you've given advice on what 'not' to do, but what about what anyone 'should' do?
Care to comment?

Cheers, happy xmas.


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## bubbler33 (Dec 25, 2012)

Don't give up, it WILL get better, even if it never full subsides, your mind will look past it I promise and you'll be able to live a 100% normal life.


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## Haumea (Jul 11, 2009)

There has to be a least one activity you could focus on that will make things better.

It's different for everyone, I'm sure. E.g. I go to the gym every other day and play basketball (and no-one can tell I have any kind of condition whatsoever.) Drown my brain in endorphins and then the anxious thoughts disappear, albeit temporarily (from half a day to a day and a half, perhaps, depending on the intensity of workout.) Then rinse, repeat, etc.

Point is, you keep yourself afloat for now, and don't worry about anything else.


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## RichUK (Oct 6, 2011)

Yes I suffer from Derealisation but not DP, I started with it out of the blue about 15 years ago and have had 6 episodes of it since. I have experienced DR before this but only when under extreme anxiety, for example I was invloved in a car accident when I was 10 and became derealised while at the scene.
As far as Im aware some people Fight others take Flight and the rest just Freeze and detach, the latter seems to be how I respond to stress and anxiety.
I understood that DPD is a medical label given to both derealisation and depersonelisation so am confussed why you say I dont have DPD.

Rich


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## mipmunk40 (Nov 13, 2012)

yes living with this truly is hell, no fun being frightened of your own existence, not knowing who you are, trapped in your own mind. I hate this, I can't stand it, I hate not feeling like a person, unhuman, an existence, the only peace I get is when I am asleep. I have lost everything including my man, who didn't stand by me. I really have lost everything and am now losing hope too.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

mipmunk40 said:


> yes living with this truly is hell, no fun being frightened of your own existence, not knowing who you are, trapped in your own mind. I hate this, I can't stand it, I hate not feeling like a person, unhuman, an existence, the only peace I get is when I am asleep. I have lost everything including my man, who didn't stand by me. I really have lost everything and am now losing hope too.


I don't feel trapped in my mind, I feel like I have no mind. What the hell is wrong with me? Not even sure if I have DP anymore.


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## RichUK (Oct 6, 2011)

Well you deffo have a mind and logically its working its just trying to resolve something it can't and the more you try and find the answer the worse you will become.
Its hard to ignore these feelings when they make you feel so strange but in the past its the only thing thats got rid of it for me.

Rich


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## thedreamingtree (Oct 23, 2012)

Susto said:


> try this: take one afternoon to spend a good time alone, but don't think about stuff. thinking too much is what screw you. just go with it, let you awareness run through your body, to your sensations... I am almost sure you will realize you have a feeling of fear or something like that, you are actually not totally numb, you can feel bad emotions. YOU HAVE TO EXPLORE THIS. but we don't like to feel bad emotions, so we spend most of the time doing other stuff that put our awareness away from our feelings., like existential thoughts, hypochondria, addictions, computer, etc etc...
> do this for a while, only let you self perceive things, don't make conclusions with your thoughts, let your INTUITION guide you, and then you can have a feel insights, and come back here with a better understanding.


This is an interesting point - the concept of letting yourself FEEL your emotions... namely, your fear - I've noticed a lot of people on here (including myself) have claimed to be emotionless - yet, I am pretty sure, like you said, we all deep down are very familiar with fear.

For me, I am *constantly *trying to distract myself... from my existential thoughts, from my own mind. It almost seems, however, that the more I am forcefully attempting distraction techniques, the more of an anxious mess I become, and the more crazy I start feeling. I am too stuck in my own head and thoughts. So, even while I am "distracting" myself, the back of my mind, or my subconscious, is well aware of what I'm trying to do, and won't let the distractions be successful. It's a never ending cycle.

I have actually been wondering lately if maybe I should just start allowing myself, say 10-20 minutes a day, to think about this kind of stuff - let my existential thoughts _truly _consume me, let my derealization and worries surface. Let myself feel the FEAR that comes with it, instead of trying to immediately distract from it. Maybe there is something to this. Maybe once I let the fear really take over, and let it stay there and feel it, maybe eventually my brain will just get fed up with all this crap and it won't bother me as bad as it does.

Who knows.

I do like your perspective, though.


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## adado113 (Dec 28, 2012)

I have felt that low too. What got me through those times when I felt so down was the idea that at some point down the line, I might look back, and the notion that I ever would do something like that would seem really, really silly. I know there are exceptions here, but almost everyone I've ever spoken to regarding depression/dpd has said eventually there will come a point where you feel fine. Everyone has some sort of struggle in their life. This is yours. Don't give up. I've gotten to that point eventually felt totally normal. You can too.


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## AussiePheonix (Dec 5, 2012)

Having newly acquired what i think is DP/DR just 4 months ago, I rapidly spiraled to a point of suicidality. Having now an understanding of why I felt so wierd, because of derealisation, has been better sweet.

It was good to know what it was and others are going through similar things, but bad because this beast is so complex and there seems to be no robust treatment plan and many people have this for long periods of time.

This knowledge itself then made me lose the will to live.

I wonder how many people we have lost to DP through suicide, the numbers would be significant.


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## InfantileAdult (Feb 1, 2011)

I understand, and I feel the same way sometimes. Big hugs x


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

I don't want to kill myself anymore. I stopped drinking ever since the night I posted this and it confirmed what I first thought - alcohol, when combined with depression / anxiety / DP is the worst possible thing. Don't ever do it. It was the alcohol that made me want to hurt myself, because alcohol magnifies everything ten-fold.


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## RichUK (Oct 6, 2011)

So glad to hear this mate.


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## marleygirl (Aug 22, 2012)

I agree with thedreamingtree.

"I have actually been wondering lately if maybe I should just start allowing myself, say 10-20 minutes a day, to think about this kind of stuff - let my existential thoughts _truly _consume me, let my derealization and worries surface. Let myself feel the FEAR that comes with it, instead of trying to immediately distract from it. Maybe there is something to this. Maybe once I let the fear really take over, and let it stay there and feel it, maybe eventually my brain will just get fed up with all this crap and it won't bother me as bad as it does. "

That's exactly what I do. When it sneaks up on me during the day, I know I have allotted time at night to think about it. Even may write it down. But I tell myself, "I'll REALLY think about this later." Then, when I think of it later, and try to recreate the angst, I can't. I may still ponder the issues, but I still come to a conclusion faster and without most of the anxiety. Or else I am tired of thinking of it and just move on. This technique truly helps me not be so "in my head" all day.


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## Guest (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope you are ok man


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

InTheDark said:


> Hope you are ok man


I'm ok I guess. Don't really understand where I am anymore or if I even have DP. It's like I've forgotten what normal is.


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## mattstollar (Jan 31, 2015)

hi there....i'm about to start therapy with a dp specialist next tuesday.....i half measure up typical dp reports.....but there is a symptom that i have that is not reported almost at all....i'm so dissasociated from my body that it has severely changed texture in line with how thin the body part was originally i have lost between 1/4 to 1/2 of my body weight in the way my body feels. my private area has almost become as thin as silk.....my teeth have not changed at all.....but almost my whole body has really obviousdely changed to a drasticall

y thinner texture...my nostrils are like some edible melting material definately 1/3 to 1/2 thinned into a sort of latex substance...my ears are similar...my fingers are thin brittle and hollow and make appropriate sounds....i've mentioned my genitals...my neck is like chicken skin...my forehead like eggshell.....the inside of my neck like a hard polystyrine.................i watch films all day and often sleep 18 hours....i do some music recording and art...and am also attack by negative thoughts...and feelings of being virtually nothing.....i could easilly handle the negative thoughts if my body did not feel so fragile....but it is because i feel so fragile that the negative thoughts can take me over so much....thoughts of suicide are a survival tool that if i actually made enough money to buy a certain substance...i might actually take it ....it's been going on 3 years.....over the last 6 months some medication helps...but doesn't get rid of the dissaciation...i just ignore it and feel 'half full instead of half empty' it would be unnatural NOT TO FEEL like commiting suicide

all the changes in body texture behave just like a normal physical body...but a prosthetic suite...if i touch my genitals it appears made of this delicate organic material with hardly any thickness....not flesh

the story is long how it happenned...there was in a way more normal dp symptoms for half a year to one year previouse to the day 'i turned into jelly'....the only real difference is that when it first happenned i was like jelly....now i am a more brtial version....for two years i was virtually nothing at all....but that was what i am now...but my mind thought i was 95% dissappeared instead of 40% TO 60% DISSOLVED into a void

there are many factors i haven't mentioned...but i am feeling suicidal on off....nothing too melodramatic even....but my pysical texture issues are what bother me.......but no one mentions having them also


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## mattstollar (Jan 31, 2015)

hi there....i'm about to start therapy with a dp specialist next tuesday.....i half measure up typical dp reports.....but there is a symptom that i have that is not reported almost at all....i'm so dissasociated from my body that it has severely changed texture in line with how thin the body part was originally i have lost between 1/4 to 1/2 of my body weight in the way my body feels. my private area has almost become as thin as silk.....my teeth have not changed at all.....but almost my whole body has really obviousdely changed to a drasticall

y thinner texture...my nostrils are like some edible melting material definately 1/3 to 1/2 thinned into a sort of latex substance...my ears are similar...my fingers are thin brittle and hollow and make appropriate sounds....i've mentioned my genitals...my neck is like chicken skin...my forehead like eggshell.....the inside of my neck like a hard polystyrine.................i watch films all day and often sleep 18 hours....i do some music recording and art...and am also attack by negative thoughts...and feelings of being virtually nothing.....i could easilly handle the negative thoughts if my body did not feel so fragile....but it is because i feel so fragile that the negative thoughts can take me over so much....thoughts of suicide are a survival tool that if i actually made enough money to buy a certain substance...i might actually take it ....it's been going on 3 years.....over the last 6 months some medication helps...but doesn't get rid of the dissaciation...i just ignore it and feel 'half full instead of half empty' it would be unnatural NOT TO FEEL like commiting suicide

all the changes in body texture behave just like a normal physical body...but a prosthetic suite...if i touch my genitals it appears made of this delicate organic material with hardly any thickness....not flesh

the story is long how it happenned...there was in a way more normal dp symptoms for half a year to one year previouse to the day 'i turned into jelly'....the only real difference is that when it first happenned i was like jelly....now i am a more brtial version....for two years i was virtually nothing at all....but that was what i am now...but my mind thought i was 95% dissappeared instead of 40% TO 60% DISSOLVED into a void

there are many factors i haven't mentioned...but i am feeling suicidal on off....nothing too melodramatic even....but my pysical texture issues are what bother me.......but no one mentions having them also


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## mattstollar (Jan 31, 2015)

hi there....i'm about to start therapy with a dp specialist next tuesday.....i half measure up typical dp reports.....but there is a symptom that i have that is not reported almost at all....i'm so dissasociated from my body that it has severely changed texture in line with how thin the body part was originally i have lost between 1/4 to 1/2 of my body weight in the way my body feels. my private area has almost become as thin as silk.....my teeth have not changed at all.....but almost my whole body has really obviousdely changed to a drasticall

y thinner texture...my nostrils are like some edible melting material definately 1/3 to 1/2 thinned into a sort of latex substance...my ears are similar...my fingers are thin brittle and hollow and make appropriate sounds....i've mentioned my genitals...my neck is like chicken skin...my forehead like eggshell.....the inside of my neck like a hard polystyrine.................i watch films all day and often sleep 18 hours....i do some music recording and art...and am also attack by negative thoughts...and feelings of being virtually nothing.....i could easilly handle the negative thoughts if my body did not feel so fragile....but it is because i feel so fragile that the negative thoughts can take me over so much....thoughts of suicide are a survival tool that if i actually made enough money to buy a certain substance...i might actually take it ....it's been going on 3 years.....over the last 6 months some medication helps...but doesn't get rid of the dissaciation...i just ignore it and feel 'half full instead of half empty' it would be unnatural NOT TO FEEL like commiting suicide

all the changes in body texture behave just like a normal physical body...but a prosthetic suite...if i touch my genitals it appears made of this delicate organic material with hardly any thickness....not flesh

the story is long how it happenned...there was in a way more normal dp symptoms for half a year to one year previouse to the day 'i turned into jelly'....the only real difference is that when it first happenned i was like jelly....now i am a more brtial version....for two years i was virtually nothing at all....but that was what i am now...but my mind thought i was 95% dissappeared instead of 40% TO 60% DISSOLVED into a void

there are many factors i haven't mentioned...but i am feeling suicidal on off....nothing too melodramatic even....but my pysical texture issues are what bother me.......but no one mentions having them also


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## mattstollar (Jan 31, 2015)

'I've been there and back again, my friend. After the low will come good. You are real, and you have a self. You've written a post and here we are seeing it. You still exist, and will get better. Hang in there.'

heres a quote that is said by quite a lot of people about 'recovery'

did they have the phyical texture change symptoms i reported

sorry for multi posting....i don't know how it happenned

matt

'


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## PseudoEthical (Jan 2, 2015)

I too felt so desperate for the depersonalization to end, I really feel for you. It's so hard when you're stuck in it. The day I laughed at it, smiled at it and thanked it was the day I started to beat it. The day I looked into the fear and started singing "I see the bad moon a rising, I see trouble's on it's way" was when I really started to beat it. It may be hard to imagine but depersonization is a lesson that we never learned. A lesson to accept, to hope and care, but not to control, a lesson to let it be. Do your best to make peace with the symptoms everyday, and to feed your brain positivity, and It will get better. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.


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## Midnight (Jul 16, 2011)

PseudoEthical said:


> I too felt so desperate for the depersonalization to end, I really feel for you. It's so hard when you're stuck in it. The day I laughed at it, smiled at it and thanked it was the day I started to beat it. The day I looked into the fear and started singing "I see the bad moon a rising, I see trouble's on it's way" was when I really started to beat it. It may be hard to imagine but depersonization is a lesson that we never learned. A lesson to accept, to hope and care, but not to control, a lesson to let it be. Do your best to make peace with the symptoms everyday, and to feed your brain positivity, and It will get better. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.


Thanks, Sounds nice and everything but are you recovered?


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## PseudoEthical (Jan 2, 2015)

Well, honestly I think it still affects me. But how it affects me is different. I'm not stuck in it, but I go through periods of thinking it's the end of the world or where I view my body as not mine. I highly suggest Metta meditation, especially towards oneself. It has helped me so much.


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## Infinity (Oct 1, 2014)

Let me tell you something,

I've always described my dp as a thought-problem, like if there just happened something in my brain that made my consciousness completely distorted and I felt like: this happened, so this will be this, so will be it.

I didn't see trough my eyes, I thought about how I watched. I didn't moved, it felt like I constantly thought about how I moved and above ALL: I couldn't think anymore without being conscious of that I was thinking. It felt like the subject of my thoughts couldn't be about something different than about the subjects that used to go autmaticaly, like thought-processes.

Here in the room where I'm writing this for you, - because I want to let you know it's just not worth it all to drop this low because of despair and not really believing there can be done something against it (and yes it can) - there is a notebook on the table beside me, as young researcher in clinical psychology I have decided that I wanted to use my life to give people inside in this things I've experienced myself. In this notebook I'm only writing about knowledge I have about dp/dr and dissociation and how I will work out the best ways to give people the right ways to get up on track as soon as possible. One thing I almost see returning in every dp-sufferer is the fear of dp being something that 'just happened and is what it is'. Most dp-patients describe themselves as not especially anxious persons, and I can understand that. It's just more like a constant prolonged state about analyzing if we are experience dp, and thinking about if we are having dp.

My own dp-specialized therapist gave me a practice I started doing a few periods ago. Where I need to stand before the mirror (because it's the most unpleasant place for me, could be different for anyone) and just try to analyze as MUCH as I can in (first week 20 min, second 30 min, third 40), - ye seems hard and long I know, but wow! Because of this practice I noticed how I unconsciously try to actually push away my analyzing throughout the day, how I actually try to think in a different way and think that I don't need to analyze, with actually just makes me thinking. Trying to actually just have these dp-like analyzing thoughts: try to think about dp or your own thoughts, for a full of 30 minutes, will finally become hard, even it normally is your problem that you couldn't stop, if you just TRY to have them it will finally become hard (think about concentrating on a exam for a full hour without being distracted one time, that wouldn't work). But if you try to not think about a purple elephant you will think about a purple elephant.

This inside I really wanted to share with you, as your first step in maybe really believing, instead of pretending that you believe: that dp is not 'something that is just what it is'. And that it's all the mentally not accepting and suppressing it that is causing it. Which has been always described a cause, but because people are going to paste 'disorder' titles on it, it feels like if it is just something fague without a cause, but if you really think about that, you will eventually see that that makes no sense.

You will start noticing this simple principle: overanalyzing DP will get your mental focus on how you are thinking instead of on the moment, which is actually the DP.

If you can rationalize it in this way and let that 'DP is something fague and untouchable', you will have your first steps set. Make sure it will not be away just directly after knowing this, of course not because this unconscious principle is deep-rooted in us, but remember: finally you will laugh at the idea of dp being some magical and uncontrollable condition.

At last: time is your friend. Even every day with dp is a day with new experiences and live-insight which will make you better over time. Which will bring us by the final principle about: even if there is DP, try to watch it instead of surpressing it and see that eventually the thoughts are the fuel. So it won't be gone after one time succeeding in this form of complete acceptation, but eventually: YES!

There isn't a bigger power than yourself, believe in that! Think about the best moments in your life, I know you have that, and now with all this I wrote for you, i hope i've gave you at least that little bit of really believing that you can get that kind of moments back. Mate, for the sun that's always behind the clouds!

Stay strong,
Vincent


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