# Hey... I don't know if im at the right place, so...



## Jacktrack (Apr 27, 2013)

Hey, My name is Henrique, Im from Brazil. I'm 18 years old.
I don't know if what i'm feeling is what people call depersonalization, but according to what it says... But i'm freaked up by my mind, and I tried looking it up whatever could get close to what i'm feeling. and it described pretty much my psychological condition.

I'm even fearful of writing this down, because my mind is so.. messed up about everything... That I think I feel like i'm on some kind of dream-like trap. I fear everytime this self of mine tries to talk with someone, in anyway possible, and when it tries, it's going to go back somehow in time, by an excessive process of hallucinations. Even though I'm not seeing them right now, it feels like i did for an eternity. Everytime I think I'm going to be alright, I face some kind of thought that seems like a hallucination. That's how fucked up is my fear.. and mind. Everytime I fear, I fear that just my own fear will make my mind go out of myself, and trap me inside this kind of... insanity loophole.

But i'm going to be honest... Even though just writing this down is making me fearful. I'm almost crying.. And eveytime, I feel like i'm oging through it again.
I don't have many friends. But the ones I had used drugs because they probably aren't happy with themselves. I got dragged in marijuana. And I feel like shit. They used LSD, and I used it once, without anything else during the time. I liked it the first time. then after some time I used it again, not minding what would happen... I didn't think it would be that much of a big deal, but i happened to use it with marijuana together this time. The first time i used it, the feeling could symbolize the gateway to this madness, it wasnt bad, but after the second time, I wish i could redo that, but even imagining possibilities fucks up my mind. Maybe there is something in my mind that should never come in contact with that substance. Such overactivity from the drug, now affecting my brain, could be unfit for it's own structure, certainly my genetics show i shouldn't ever thouch that shit. But I went through it. It felt like I have seen everything again. It felt like I was in this horrible loophole I don't ever want to enter again. but somehow, I feel like I went through it... An infinite amount of times. At the second time i used LSD (reminding again: this time with marijuana), i doubted it's power to alter the state of mind of someone. Then it made me see hallucinations. And then now i think i saw them but I'm not sure, and this makes me fear and think if somewhere in my mind, my brain is somehow "doubting" it's power again, just to make these hallucinations come once again and make me go through this horrible loophole.

My mental condition right now is weird, because even though I know days have passed, and my life has been progressing linearly without any kind of overbearing in my mind to the point of making me think i'm trapped in a "insanity loophole", I still fear this horrible thing can happen in my mind... Just because of my earlier doubt... Now I think i'm always going to feel it. It feels as everytime i think i'm alright, something bad will happen, some kind of dark god will trap me in my own madness. Its been more than 2 months now, and I'm still under the effects of the madness as I write.

It's weird to put all of this into words, but maybe that's the only way I can describe my feelings.
I feel like I'm in a fairy tale, and that my very existence is this fairy tale. Through my eyes that go through the same moments all over again, these "camera lenses" that just don't want to change this partictular channel, I pass by the same tale.

It's like something out of reality. It's like a videotape that keeps replaying and replaying by so kind of torturer... What I could call after all these horrible repetitive thoughts as some kind of dark god of chaos. Hallucinations would happen at every corner of my thinking pattern, and i look at something as if i have seen it more than infinite lifetimes... Lifetimes that are only inside this single human being and it's surroundings. It feels like time has passed so many times, and I just can't wait to come back to my senses, to the time i was once normal, when things were healthy and I laughed innocently about my own mind, without excessive expectations of something that obviously shouldn't be physically possible. Where I can simply believe nothing more will rot my... soul. Even after all these feelings, I can't believe i'm still an atheist. But I do. Because that's my only way of believing my brain is inside a universe bound by physics and reason... Bound by a structure that makes me understand no matter how I try to think I'm imaginary, I can still understand that the very reason I'm thinking and feeling is because i'm bound to this very same universe that makes me think and believe.

My hallucinations... If I came to explain every single one of them. It could take weeks. It could drive me mad. It feels as If just by writing this down I have gone through insanity... Again. I still ave somewhere in my mind a hope where normalcy will come back... But when?
I couldn't hold back this writing. The fear of doing something step by step is way too overwhelming. I even believe i had past selves. Selves which wanted to do this all at once. As if I had many versions. Everytime, I went through this loophole, with the expectation that one day I would recuperate. But my "minds" have written that I should put this all at once so that my fear would go away as every word is being put on this text. But i'm not that much of a fool. This... "version" of me knows that I'm still under the effects of madness. But I knwo i'm a fool as well, because every word I put in here shows my fear and what it means... It means I think I might go trhough madness again.


----------



## Jacktrack (Apr 27, 2013)

I'm feeling guilty for letting my own mind be destroyed by some desperate need for human connection.

I'm still wondering if what i'm feeling is depersonalization, because i'm not having panic attacks.
I'm quiet. But i'm somehow paranoid about certain things.. Or rather, moments in the future. When something starts to happen, I think I might have seen it before and I think I might go insanity and hallucinations once again.
Wen I think I hallucinate, I don't see things, something pops up in my mind when I think I might have hallucinated, but it just appears, like as if i remembered something... like a memory.
Like when i had to help my father to get something out of the trunk of the car in the parking lot on our building, somewhere I hallucinated... Without my control, i just saw myself grabbing the door of the trunk and splitting my father apart when he was picking something up. I don't feel well about this. It just appeared in my mind, like a memory. It's something that is probably deep down in my mind. And it feels like I have gone through the motion of splitting him in half too many times. But yet, instead of going through it without the control of my mind, somehow it didn't happen. But it feels as if once I saw everything happen. and horrible things along with it.
I have seen and felt many things like that, as when i was going to the mail when i suddenly just grasped the air and pulled down and a thunderbolt crushed the asphalt on the street.

I don't behave as If i should tell someone, becaue I feel that i did this once, and it made me go insane. Even to the very same ones who went through using this drug

I only feel relaxed. Pacific. As if I'm waiting for an inevitable outcome.
Depression has always been something i have gone through. But never I had to go through insanity and depression. It feels funny to write this.. As if i should be surprised. I feel like I'm used to insanity as well. Even though... I don't see hallucinations, they just pop up, as some kind of old memory i don't really know much about it's details... but when I try to look after it, trying to remeber, it shows how many details i have of that particular "memory".


----------



## Jacktrack (Apr 27, 2013)

Could someone at least tell me i'm not in the right place? Or tell I'm beyond cure? Because I can't stand waiting for an answer about this. I can't even be suicidal. I wish I could.


----------



## englishborn (Oct 28, 2011)

Hi Jack, it is hard to say for certain if you are suffering from DP, it is very obvious you are in a lot of distress, I would recommend you see a professional as soon as you can. DP is different for everyone but they do tend to have similar trends, the main one is the feeling of unreality and disconnection to reality and life.
Have you told your family and friends? It is always an important step with any mental illness or mental problems. An encouraging thing is you are aware there is something wrong, truly incurable mental illness tend for the suffer to seem normal. 
Holdin there, you will not be like this forever.


----------



## Jacktrack (Apr 27, 2013)

Altough i do know it would be helpful to talk to them, I fear too much to the point of even mentioning it. I don't know why. It feels as if I could go to crazy just by trying to talk about this to them. It feels as if everything I do, or tried to do, failed. I feel as if i have tried talking to them before in some point in time, only to discover it is futile, and in seconds my mind would just be trapped again. With words, at least I don't get to get insane because I don't see reactions. My parents were never the best ones regarding to these things. And at least in here I can throw these thoughts out, even though I know I have had my share of pseudohallucinations just thinking about it while i describe all of this in a sentence.


----------



## cmoonbeam1 (May 6, 2013)

You aren't a bad person. Mental illness is just like any other illness, and you can get help. I really wish it wasn't so stigmatized. I am sending you good thoughts and I hope you manage to reach out from your distress and trust in someone outside of yourself to guide you.

Drugs can be very intense and we tend to take them for casual reasons. When we aren't ready for the things we are seeing, we can misunderstand them and they can become tied in with our fears as we try to make sense of them. You need external input from others to help you see things in a different way.

Just remember that you haven't done anything wrong. The only way out of the loophole is faith that something or someone external to yourself can help you, and no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

I hope I have helped...


----------



## englishborn (Oct 28, 2011)

hiya Jack, the best thing I did with my DP/DR was to tell my friends and family straight away. They struggled to understand but they were more than happy for me to describe what was going on, and oddly I found that very therapeutic. My mum took me to talk to some of her friends who had anxiety (but never felt DP/DR) and again they were very good at making me feel as if this was not forever. You need to conquer the fear of telling them, whilst utimatley only you can help yourself and start the road to recovery that does not mean you should do it alone without any support.

Having your friends and family knowing helps in so many ways, it helps share the burden, they will help find professionals for you, they will help distract you and they will not stop even when you just feel like giving in....tell them, ignore the fear.


----------



## phoenix09 (May 8, 2013)

I would suggest you to get professional help....and divulge yourself in front of someone you can trust...that will help for sure...all of our crazy thoughts about our condition can be stopped in one sentence from a professional...and dont be so hard on yourself...you cannot change what has happened...no use crying over the spilled milk remember...now take proactive steps to improve your condition...for sure you will come out of it...bless you buddy...


----------

