# Depersonalization & Ibogaine



## Solveig

The circumstances behind developing depersonalization were complex - both psychological and drug-related. After a stressful divorce in 2010 I began using marijuana to get to sleep. I didn't want to be a habitual user of anything as I felt it wasn't right for me morally or legally and also because I have small children; however, marijuana eased my stress level and helped me to sleep for the year after the separation. It was due to my desire to live drug and depression free that I began a quest for something natural. I was familiar with supplements and had tried many, but none had provided tangible relief. I spent some time searching the internet and found ibogaine. I watched a couple documentaries about it and was very drawn to learn more. After countless hours of research online and many hours of speaking to various clinics, I decided ibogaine was a viable choice in the journey toward a solution to my struggles. Looking back, I feel that I shouldn't have placed so much weight in a magical cure, but at the time I really truly believed in ibogaine's ability as a heal-all. I have always believed that the Earth provided us with everything we need, and it seemed to make so much sense that ibogaine would hold the answer. I read countless success stories and watched many interviews on youtube that spoke glowingly of its healing power. I don't discount what I read for a moment, but there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution - that much I have learned for certain. Life can be hard and sometimes the best action is to just keep going, take good care of oneself in diet, exercise, sleep, and prayer.

I had returned to school in 2010 and in 2011 I began my second year and took on a large credit load of extremely challenging classes. My stress level went through the roof. I quit smoking marijuana immediately because I knew there was no way for me to succeed in school while using it. I simply took on too much trying to navigate single parenting and sixteen credits. I began waking up at night with panic attacks and losing a lot of sleep. In mid-October I woke up one morning and went to class as usual; however, once I arrived in class I realized my perception was suddenly very different. The classroom was brightly lit, but it seemed dark to me...the voices of other members of the class sounded as if they were very far away, and I felt extremely strange...almost as if my body weighed nothing and I could float away. This bizarre dreamlike sense of unreality continued with varying degrees of severity unrelentingly from that point on. I was also taking an abnormal psychology class and recall sitting through lectures listening to symptoms of various mental illnesses thinking that perhaps I was descending into madness. I worried that my brain was perhaps suffering from some sort of degenerative condition or that I was developing schizophrenia. Rather than seek help, I persevered with increasing diligence in my studies and my role as a mother. I pushed myself very hard in my pursuit of success and tried to ignore my symptoms. I did remember my prior interest in ibogaine and began to think that perhaps it was a good time to take the journey to Mexico and figure out a way to help myself.

I made plans to go over Thanksgiving break and discussed in-depth with my providers what was going on. They felt that ibogaine would be a good fit. I flew to Puerto Vallarta on November 21 and took a test dose a few days later. The test dose was a very agitating experience that sent my anxiety levels skyrocketing. I felt that I should not go through with the flood dose and began thinking of returning home early. My instincts were trying to tell me this was not a good thing; however, I was persuaded by a member of the staff that test doses are often agitating and that a flood dose would be completely different. Many people that I spoke to who had successfully used ibogaine encouraged me to go ahead with the experience. I realize now that I should have trusted my instincts, but at the time I was so desperate for relief and wanted so much to believe that the experiences of others would resemble my own. Despite my initial poor reaction the providers also believed that going through with the flood would yield positive results. They were not pushing me into anything, but were willing to go in any direction I chose. I decided to go ahead with my plan to use ibogaine.

I am unsure of the exact dosage I was given but was told it was a relatively small flood dose of both TA (total plant alkaloid) and ibogaine hydrochloride. My initial test-dose had been only TA. My feeling going into the experience was apprehension and anticipation. Within four hours of ingestion I was experiencing mild ataxia and intense visual distortions and tracers, as well as tremendous anxiety and nausea. It was early evening when I took the flood and the light was dim. I was lying in bed with my caregiver and talking. My heart began to race and pound to the point I thought I was having a heart attack. I began to vomit and could not stop. My caregiver gave me a small dose of Xanax and an anti-nausea medication. I truly thought I was going to die. It felt like my brain was undergoing a nuclear meltdown. It is cliche, but it felt like the "this is your brain on drugs" propaganda commercials with the egg in the frying pan - my brain did feel as though it were being fried or cooked. I never experienced any kind of dream-like or visionary state that is common to ibogaine. I had one true hallucination with my eyes open of my father turning into a werewolf and snarling viciously at me. I don't know what this meant as my relationship with my father is relatively unremarkable. Within 15 minutes of taking the Xanax I passed out completely and woke up four hours later in the same intense state of anxiety and panic. I was given more Xanax and continued to take it every six or seven hours although if it did anything I wouldn't have known - my mental state remained the same. My brain felt fried and my body's electrical circuitry seemed to be totally out of whack. My heart was pounding like crazy and would not slow down. I slept the first night after treatment with aid of the Xanax. The visual distortions, tracers, extreme anxiety, and pounding heart continued unrelentingly for approximately two weeks after treatment.

When I returned home from Mexico I was almost psychotic. I never saw things that weren't there or heard voices, but I felt like my head was screaming with too much electrical energy and disjointed thought. Every time I would close my eyes I would experience an intensification of these already unbearable sensations. It was so intense at times I felt like I wanted to jump off a cliff just to make it stop. It was mentally as well as physically painful and extremely frightening and overwhelming. I wanted so much to believe that arriving back home from Mexico would make it all stop, but that was not the case. I had one long panic attack for about two months straight after ibogaine. I could not sleep and was barely functioning. In February I was on the brink of insanity from lack of sleep. I had tried multiple medications for sleep and anxiety and none of them helped, but rather every single one made things much worse. I experienced a paradoxical reaction to Klonopin as it increased my anxiety level. About this time the psychiatrist I was seeing prescribed a small dose (.5 mg) of buprenorphine (the irony of this is almost too much, as most people use ibogaine to get off of opiates). He believed that because it was a kappa opioid antagonist it would help with the depersonalization. Depersonalization is thought to be a dysregulation of the kappa endogenous opioid system as well as the NMDA receptor). Although it did not eliminate the feelings of unreality, it did help, and the main benefit has been that it allows me to sleep at night. I honestly don't know how much longer I could have gone on without sleep. The next big improvement came with high dose fish oil which dropped my anxiety level a bit lower. I've been terrified to try any more medication, but my psychiatrist thinks an anti-epileptic drug called Lamictal may be helpful. I am willing to give it a go at a very low dose and am thinking about starting in the next week.

I feel that the ibogaine infinitely worsened my anxiety, panic, and depersonalization. My previous experiences with psylocibin have never been positive. Perhaps my brain chemistry is simply not conducive to hallucinogens? My symptoms prior to using ibogaine were unpleasant, but manageable. I had brief periods of suicidal ideation (which was disturbing and part of the reason I decided to use ibogaine), but was not truly suicidal. I had many moments of relative peace and calm. I could experience true pleasure at moments throughout the day and was beginning to be able to sleep again. Since using ibogaine I struggle daily with suicidal ideation (I never knew what it meant to be truly suicidal until ibogaine), have little relief from morbid and disturbing pervasive thoughts, and feel as though a high-voltage of electricity is zapping my brain and body for the majority of every day.. The electrical feeling is similar to the "brain zaps" I experienced coming off of Zoloft a year ago. I feel like I am caught in between a world of the living and the dead. I don't really feel as though I am alive. I feel like I am just going through motions but I don't really exist. When I am communicating with the people I love most in the world it is as if I am acting in a play or pretending...like I don't really know those people at all...or myself for that matter. It's very creepy and unsettling and it's constant. There is no such thing as a good day, or even a good moment, until about 9 pm at night when things settle down a bit and for whatever reason I feel a sense of semi-calm. The majority of the symptoms are still present, but I feel that I can take a breath and relax a bit. Some of these symptoms I was dealing with prior to ibogaine. I was depressed and experiencing anxiety attacks and difficulty sleeping. I had symptoms of depersonalization and unreality. This is why I chose to be treated with ibogaine. Ibogaine basically amplified every negative symptom a thousand-fold as well as adding many more. Things went from bad to infinitely worse. I fight to hang on because I love my children fiercely and do not want to wreak havoc in their world by causing them the loss of a mother.

I have been to many different types of healers and I've tried several medications, but the reactions were so violently bad immediately upon taking them that I discontinued within several days. I went to two different naturopathic doctors and tried a variety of different supplements, many of which worsened the situation. I feel like my brain is so incredibly sensitized to everything that I simply can't tolerate most chemicals, natural or otherwise, in my body. I have a really clean diet with lots of raw fruits, vegetables, and fresh fruit and vegetable juices. I eat little sugar and dairy and no gluten. I exercise regularly. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and cognitive behavioral therapist. I am keeping in close touch with all my friends and have good family and social support. Bottom line is I am really struggling and I have noticed some improvement but it's not enough to consider this an acceptable quality of life. I am not going to give up, but life is difficult beyond anything I could have previously conceived of and I am praying every day for relief and healing.

I've been looking into supplements that regulate the NMDA receptor (ibogaine is an NMDA receptor antagonist and I believe a damaged NMDA receptor may be part of what I am experiencing). DHEA (or the safer version, 7-Keto) and Pregnenolone are apparently good for NMDA regulation. It's interesting that the NMDA receptor is also involved in depersonalization. My theory about what happened to me with ibogaine is that I entered the experience with an already compromised NMDA system and ibogaine essentially damaged it further.

One other thing I read about recently was the idea of having a shaman basically conduct some sort of exorcism. The Bwiti of Gabon (where ibogaine is used traditionally) view ibogaine and this type of healing as working with energies - both good and bad. I think the view of my experience is that my body is harboring some type of residual negative energy... I am totally out of my league in understanding any of that sort of thing, but wonder if anyone has experience with this sort of thing?

So, that is where I'm at right now. I know this was a LONG story, but it's been a long road... I would love to get any type of feedback that might be helpful. Thank you so much if you have taken the time to read this - I realize it's lengthy.

Here is the list of supplements I am currently using:
Multivitamin
CoQ10 (Ubiquinol form)
Fish Oil 
Flax Oil
Vit. C
Milk Thistle/Dandelion
Probiotic & Digestive Enzymes

Supplements I tried and reacted negatively to:
Anything with a serotonin component, such as 5-HTP, Tryptophan, St. John's Wort, SAM-e, Rhodiola, etc.
Inositol
Pretty much every herbal medicine I tried
Lactoferrin
Iron
Magnesium

Therapies I've tried that help somewhat:
Acupuncture
Polarity Therapy
Naturopathy
Massage
Yoga
Reiki
CranioSacral

My symptoms right now:
Extreme anxiety
Fatigue & muscular pain
Headaches
Nausea
Low-grade electric sensation in brain that I feel contributes to most of my anxiety
Feelings of hopelessness, apathy, inability to experience joy or a sense of future
Extreme fear that I won't be able to "do life" because of what's happened
Disorganized & clouded thinking
Difficulty making decisions
Inability to concentrate on school work
Severe brain fog
Visual distortion - feeling like I am living under a fish bowl...this is difficult to describe; things almost look as if I am living under water or like there is a haze or fog surrounding everything I look at; a feeling like I have tunnel vision or no peripheral vision, sometimes the world looks sparkly and my vision feels like it shakes, especially on the periphery
Large increase in vitreous floaters
Sensitivity to sunlight & flourescent lighting - everything seems excessively bright during the day
Depersonalization & derealization
Feeling like I can't quite reach through to the people I am speaking to; like there is a film between me and the rest of the world


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## LoserBoy

Damn I could relate to you so much...What did we do to deserve this?im only 16 young
And I'm scared I'm going to have this for the rest of my life.....God help us


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## Soul Seeker

First off - my sympathies.

You mentioned exercise. What kind of exercise do you do? Cardio is most beneficial - at least 4 miles a day of running.

You may want to try mucuna pruriens, aka dopa mucuna. I've found it to be a very effective supplement for reducing DP.

The reason (imho) you got DP from ibogaine was because of your high level of anxiety going into the "trip". I think the people who administered the ibogaine to you are highly irresponsible for persuading you to continue with the flood dose, and if they were located in the US I'd say you have grounds to sue them (and probably should, in case the DP made you fail this semester at school).

CBT is fantastic - I'm glad you're trying it. I think it's one of the keystones in DP recovery plans. Make sure you like your therapist, though. If not, keep searching. My current therapist is awesome, but I had to go through a lot of chaff to find her.

The main thing in recovering from DP though is to just exist in the moment. Don't think about the past. Don't think about the future. Exist in this moment. Thoughts will NOT help you get out of DP, and neither will researching it. I know, easier said than done. But we really do have control over our own thoughts. Don't feed into the negative feedback loops that DP loves to perpetuate. Think positively about yourself and others. You sound like a very strong, intelligent woman - you have the strength to get through this.


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## Solveig

Hello Soul Seeker - thank you for your reply. This is such a bizarre experience, one I could never have fathomed just a year earlier. Fortunately I am starting to see some improvement. I worked very hard for the last five months in learning everything I possibly could about depersonalization/derealization, ibogaine, drug-induced schizophrenia (which I feared I may have developed), HPPD, brain damage, TBIs (which have many similar symptoms to what I have been experiencing), and adrenal fatigue. It's been an incredibly interesting process to see how the many angles I tried to look at this tied in with one another. I wrote a paper for an abnormal psychology class (a personal case study) on the entire experience and will post it separately. It's certainly not scientific journal material and as I pumped it out in one night, it could use a lot of revising and more citing of sources. I really believe I am onto something though. I don't pretend to understand all the intricacies and subtleties as to how and why the brain does what it does in these cases. I think ultimately that it really does just take time for the brain to heal. I firmly believe in the plasticity and capability of our brains to heal, but it's an arduously slow process. I remember reading in Mauricio Sierra's book that the average duration of DP is about 14 years.

Using what I've learned I am now taking adrenal glandular extracts, pregnenolone, progesterone, cortisol, and various herbs and amino acids to support adrenal function, getting regular acupuncture to support adrenal function, craniosacral therapy, and massage and I've seen some moderate progress. I have to believe in time that I will heal, although I will never be the person I once was. There is just no way to experience this level of trauma and come out unscathed. I do believe that I will be a stronger, wiser, and infinitely more appreciative person for all of it. I have a tremendous desire to help others in suffering from this bizarre and under-recognized disorder. I want to see a solid treatment protocol developed for those with DP, as well as a strong awareness of the disorder and how to prevent it from happening in the first place.

I believe there are various forms of DP - those that stem from prolonged states of stress resulting in adrenal fatigue and eventually causing DP, those that are psychological in nature and manifest essentially as a dissociation from the self (trauma, abuse, etc.), and those that are drug-induced. The interesting part of the drug-induced DP is that it could be very similar in its roots to the prolonged states of stress. From what I've learned about the physiological effects of marijuana it has a massive effect on the adrenal glands, resulting in the disruption of normal adrenal gland function. I am convinced that our adrenal glands play a fundamental role in the normal regulation of our NMDA receptors (which I've dubbed the "reality receptors"). Our NMDA receptors are essential to our perception of reality. It was previously thought that schizophrenia symptoms are brought on by an excess of dopamine and serotonin in the brain, causing an individual to experience hallucinations. Scientists are now realizing that, while this is true, it is actually a result of NMDA receptor dysfunction that is at the root of the disease. New antipsychotics are no being developed to target the NMDA receptor. What we know about DP is that it involves the glutamate/NMDA receptor interaction, the HPA axis (these two systems are actually quite interrelated) and the kappa opioid system. It is my belief that DP results from malfunctioning adrenal glands which produce hormones critical to properly functioning NMDA receptors in the brain. I would be very grateful if you would read my paper and tell me what you think.


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## Solveig

The concept of "self" is fundamental to the human experience. Reality is perceived through the lens of life experiences, thoughts, feelings, and ideas gathered in the storehouse of collective memory. For most, this experience of the self is taken for granted in day-to-day routine activities. An individual wakes up in the morning and goes about such tasks as showering, dressing, and preparing breakfast in a rote manner, experiencing sensations such as pleasure at the warmth of the cascading water, satisfaction in a morning cup of coffee, and anticipation for the day ahead. One may reflect on the prior day's activities or a stressful upcoming assignment at work, yet all this is typically felt with a sense of connection or "personalization" to an individual's thoughts and sensations. In depersonalization disorder this sense of attachment to the self is distorted or lacking completely, lending to a dreamlike or unreal perception of reality. Routine day-to-day activities previously carried out with ease can become excruciating and disturbing in their lack of sensation and sense of connectedness. Paul Schilder, a German psychiatrist summed up the experience of depersonalization with the following words:

To the depersonalized individual the world appears strange, peculiar, foreign, and dream-like. Objects appear at times strangely diminished in size, at times flat. Sounds appear to come from a distance. The tactile characteristics of objects likewise seem strangely altered &#8230; The emotions likewise undergo marked alteration. Patients complain that they are capable of experiencing neither pain nor pleasure; love and hate have perished with them. They experience a fundamental change in their personality, and the climax is reached with their complaints that they have become strangers to themselves. It is as though they were dead, lifeless, mere automatons... (Baker, 2007, p. 3)

This profound lack of attachment to one's self and surroundings can be an extraordinarily alarming and anxiety-provoking experience causing many to question their sanity and begin to obsessively ruminate.

The DSM-IV classifies depersonalization disorder as a dissociative disorder. According to the DSM-IV (2000), "The essential feature of the Dissociative Disorders is a disruption in the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception. The disturbance may be sudden or gradual, transient or chronic" (p. 477). The DSM-IV-TR defines depersonalization disorder in section 300.6 in the following manner:
1. Longstanding or recurring feelings of being detached from one's mental processes or body, as if one is observing them from the outside or in a dream.
2. Reality testing is unimpaired during depersonalization
3. Depersonalization causes significant difficulties or distress at work, or social and other important areas of life functioning.
4. Depersonalization does not only occur while the individual is experiencing another mental disorder, and is not associated with substance use or a medical illness.
Three possible additional features of depersonalization disorder are:
1. Derealization, experiencing the external world as strange or unreal.
2. Macropsia or micropsia, an alteration in the perception of object size or shape.
3. A sense that other people seem unfamiliar or mechanical. (American Psychiatric Association, 2000)

Accounts of depersonalization were first recorded in 1873 by a Hungarian specialist named Maurice Krishaber, and in 1894 French psychologist Ludovic Dugas coined the term "depersonalization" and published several papers on the condition along with a monograph called La Depersonnalisation (Sierra, 2009, p. 9). Since that time little has been accomplished in the way of further recognizing and understanding this enigmatic syndrome, much to the dismay of its sufferers.

The symptoms of depersonalization occur with a fair degree of frequency in the general population as transient episodes stemming from such circumstances as stress, lack of sleep, drug-use, illness, or fasting. According to Sierra (2009), "a number of studies carried out with college students have clearly established that short-lasting episodes of depersonalization are a common occurrence in young people, with a prevalence ranging from 30% to 70%" (p. 44).

My own experience with this bizarre disorder began in October of 2011. I had returned to school that fall to begin my second year and enrolled for sixteen credit hours. Believing I was up to the challenge I began the semester with a combination of excitement and trepidation. As a single parent of three young children I now realize I took on too much in navigating parenting and sixteen credits. I began waking up at night with panic attacks and frequently losing sleep. In mid-October I woke up one morning and went to class as usual; however, once seated I realized my perception of reality was markedly different. The classroom was brightly lit but seemed dim, the voices of other members of the class sounded as if they were far away, and I felt extremely strange, almost as if my body weighed nothing and I could float away. This dreamlike sense of unreality continued with varying degrees of severity from that point on.

Rather than seek help I persevered with increasing diligence in my studies and role as a mother. I tried very hard to ignore my symptoms but would find myself examining and re-examining every excruciating detail of my altered perceptions trying to understand or explain what was happening to my brain. One class in particular stoked these obsessions into a roaring fire. I was in Abnormal Psychology learning about various mental illnesses and found myself ruminating daily on the possibility that I was developing schizophrenia or some yet unnamed degenerative brain condition. During these initial stages I was unaware that a condition called depersonalization even existed.

A paradox of depersonalization disorder is its categorization under the umbrella of dissociative disorders, yet one of the primary symptoms is a sort of hyper-awareness or hyper-association. I believe that depersonalization causes an almost psychotic level of anxiety in those that experience it because one's perception of reality is distorted and the brain is desperately trying to understand these altered perceptions to the point that one is driven nearly mad. Extreme anxiety is a co-occurring symptom for many sufferers of depersonalization disorder and treatment with a benzodiazepine has become standard protocol for clinicians familiar with the illness.

One year before I began experiencing these strange symptoms I had researched a substance called ibogaine. Ibogaine is the active alkaloid derived from the root bark of a plant called Tabernanthe iboga, a hallucinogenic psychoactive traditionally used in a spiritual coming-of-age ritual among the Bwiti of Gabon, Africa. My curiosity about this plant stemmed from its purported ability to bring the user through childhood memories in a therapeutic manner so that the user may gain personal insight regarding their life path. The ibogaine experience has been likened to ten years of therapy in thirty-six hours. Many have used the substance for depression and anxiety as its biochemical actions are similar to SSRIs. A typical experience lasts approximately thirty-six hours and a metabolite of ibogaine called noribogaine then stores in the liver for four to six months, continuing to release small amounts of the substance during that time.

In an effort to help what I believed to be an anxiety disorder, or perhaps depression with psychotic features, I decided to use ibogaine. In hindsight this decision was made with an unclear mind as to the potential consequences. I was desperate and my normally logical thought process was skewed by the depersonalization. After countless hours of research online and many phone calls with the providers at a clinic I had chosen, I decided ibogaine was a viable choice in the journey toward a solution to my struggles. I made plans to go over Thanksgiving break and discussed in-depth with my providers what was going on. They felt that ibogaine would be a good fit. I flew to Puerto Vallarta on November 21 and took a test dose a few days later. The test dose was a very agitating experience that sent my anxiety levels skyrocketing. I felt that I should not go through with the flood dose and began thinking of returning home early. My instincts were trying to tell me this was not a good thing; however, I was persuaded by a member of the staff that test doses are often agitating and that a flood dose would be completely different. Many people that I spoke to in the community who had successfully used ibogaine encouraged me to go ahead with the experience. I realize now that I should have trusted my instincts, but at the time I was desperate for relief and wanted so much to believe that the experiences of others would resemble my own. Despite my initial poor reaction the providers also believed that going through with the flood could yield positive results. They were not pushing me into anything, but were willing to go in any direction I chose. I decided to go ahead with my plan to use ibogaine.

I was initially given 100 mg of TA (total plant alkaloid) as a test dose. My flood dose was a combination of 2 mg/kg of ibogaine hydrochloride and 3.5 mg/kg of TA. My feeling going into the experience was apprehension and anticipation. Within four hours of ingestion I was experiencing mild ataxia and intense visual distortions and tracers, as well as tremendous anxiety and nausea. It was early evening when I took the flood and the light was dim. I was lying in bed with my caregiver and talking. My heart began to race and pound to the point I thought I was having a heart attack. I began to vomit and could not stop. My caregiver gave me a small dose of Xanax and an anti-nausea medication called Metoclopramide. I truly thought I was going to die. It felt like my brain was undergoing a nuclear meltdown. It is cliché, but it felt like the "this is your brain on drugs" propaganda commercials with the egg in the frying pan - my brain did feel as though it were being fried or cooked. I never experienced any kind of dream-like or visionary state that is common to ibogaine. I had one true hallucination with my eyes open of my father turning into a werewolf and snarling viciously at me. I don't know what this meant as my relationship with my father is relatively unremarkable. Within fifteen minutes of taking the Xanax I passed out completely and woke up four hours later in the same intense state of anxiety and panic. I was given more Xanax and continued to take it every six or seven hours although if it did anything I wouldn't have known - my mental state remained the same. My brain felt fried and my body's electrical circuitry seemed to be totally out of whack. My heart was pounding very hard and would not slow down. I slept the first night after treatment with aid of the Xanax. The visual distortions, tracers, extreme anxiety, and pounding heart continued for approximately ten days to two weeks after treatment.

When I returned home from Mexico I was borderline psychotic. I never saw things that weren't there or heard voices, but I felt like my head was screaming with too much electrical energy and disjointed thought. Every time I would close my eyes I would experience an intensification of these already unbearable sensations. It was so intense at times I felt like I wanted to jump off a building just to make it stop. It was mentally as well as physically painful and extremely frightening and overwhelming. I wanted so much to believe that arriving back home from Mexico would make it all stop, but that was not the case.

For two months after ibogaine I experienced a constant state of extreme panic. I could not sleep and was barely functioning. In February I was on the brink of insanity from lack of sleep. I had tried multiple medications for sleep and anxiety and none of them helped. I experienced a paradoxical reaction to Klonopin as it increased my anxiety level. I began to work with a psychiatrist who was willing to read the textbooks I gave him on depersonalization disorder as he, nor anyone else I spoke to, had much (if any) familiarity with the condition. He prescribed a small dose (.5 mg) of buprenorphine (the irony of this is almost too much, as most people use ibogaine to get off of opiates). We believed that because it was a kappa opioid antagonist it would help with my symptoms. Depersonalization disorder is thought to be a dysregulation of the kappa endogenous opioid system as well as the NMDA (N-Methyl-D-aspartate) receptor. Interestingly, ibogaine is an NMDA receptor antagonist and an agonist to the k-opioid receptor set. The buprenorphine did improve the sense of unreality somewhat and allowed me to sleep at night.

I feel that the ibogaine infinitely worsened my anxiety, panic, and depersonalization. My symptoms prior to using ibogaine were unpleasant, but manageable. I had brief periods of suicidal ideation (which was disturbing and part of the reason I decided to use ibogaine), but was not truly suicidal. I had many moments of relative peace and calm. I could experience true calm and pleasure at moments throughout the day and was beginning to be able to sleep again. After using ibogaine I struggled daily with suicidal ideation, had little relief from morbid and disturbing pervasive thoughts, and felt as though a high-voltage of electricity were zapping my brain and body for the majority of every day. The electrical feeling is similar to the "brain zaps" I experienced coming off of Zoloft a year ago. I felt like I was caught in between a world of the living and the dead, as if I was just going through motions but I didn't really exist. When I communicated with the people I love most in the world it was as though I were acting in a play or pretending, as if I didn't really know the people at all, or myself for that matter. Some of these symptoms I dealt with prior to ibogaine. I was depressed and experiencing anxiety attacks and difficulty sleeping. I had symptoms of depersonalization and unreality. Ibogaine amplified every negative symptom a thousand-fold as well as adding many more. Things went from bad to infinitely worse.

I am a tenacious person and because suicide would have cost my children and family dearly I hung on. I sought help in as many avenues as I could conceive of. I ate an immaculately healthy cleansing diet, I exercised, I went to a psychiatrist and a cognitive behavioral therapist, received acupuncture treatments, massage, visited a naturopathic doctor, spoke to a shaman, and poured through research and personal accounts of ibogaine experiences in an effort to heal and understand what had gone so horribly awry with my treatment. In researching ibogaine, depersonalization, and substance-induced schizophrenia I formulated a theory about why my brain responded in this manner. The research continued to lead me to the NMDA receptor and the critical role this receptor plays in brain health. Ibogaine is an NMDA receptor antagonist, meaning it blocks or inhibits the NMDA receptor. Ibogaine is similar in this way to such drugs as ketamine, nitrous oxide, and PCP. NMDA antagonists induce a dissociative state. Depersonalization is thought to be, in part, related to a compromised NMDA receptor. One theory explaining depersonalization involves possible NMDA receptor dysfunction and excess glutamate at non-NMDA glutamate receptors. Interestingly, the NMDA receptor is now being studied as a possible underlying factor in schizophrenia and new atypical antipsychotic drugs are being developed to target the NMDA receptor. Although I never experienced true psychosis, I did experience many of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia and these are thought to be attributed to a malfunction at the NMDA receptor site. Once I began focusing on the NMDA receptor I then focused on substances that regulate the NMDA receptor. Pregnenolone is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands that converts to DHEA. Both pregnenolone and DHEA have been studied in schizophrenia and have shown to provide relief for many of the negative symptoms of the disease. DHEA in particular is critical to normal functioning of the NMDA receptor. This led me to research the adrenal system and I came to the belief that what I was experiencing prior to ibogaine was adrenal fatigue and anxiety that eventually depleted my adrenal glands to a point where they were insufficiently producing cortisol and pregnenolone. Because pregnenolone converts to DHEA I was therefore producing too little DHEA to allow my NMDA receptor to function properly. I essentially threw oil on a fire by then taking an NMDA receptor antagonist and was pushed into a much deeper state of depersonalization.

I began to experience the beginnings of a turn-around in my symptoms when I incorporated supplements to rebuild the adrenal glands as well as acupuncture treatments that stimulate adrenal function. My current regimen of supplements include adrenal formulas containing D-serine (which, along with glycine, is a critical amino acid in proper functioning of the NMDA receptor), various adaptogenic herbs, and pregnenolone, as well as high dose B-complex and fish oil. I am still taking .5 mg of buprenorphine daily and plan to start lamotrigine, an anti-seizure medication which has been studied in depersonalization disorder in relation to the NMDA/glutamate theory. The adrenal gland supplements and high dose fish oil have given me the most symptom relief from the high levels of anxiety and depersonalization. My hope is to share what I've learned through this disturbing, strange, and traumatic experience in an effort to shed light on what may be an underlying cause of depersonalization. I believe this obscure condition is suffered silently by many more people than currently recognized who struggle to describe their symptoms to clinicians unaware of the disorder. More attention needs to be focused on bringing this condition out of obscurity and developing better treatments for its sufferers. I hope that my own experience will perhaps serve as a catalyst toward progress in depersonalization disorder, as well as the recognition of pre-existing depersonalization disorder becoming a known contraindication in those that might seek out ibogaine treatment for any purpose.

The following information is sourced from Wikipedia and is meant to gain a general understanding of what ibogaine and NMDA antagonists are:

Ibogaine is considered a 'complex tryptamine'. Because of the ibogaine molecule's tryptamine core, ibogaine acts as an agonist for the 5-HT2A receptor set like other psychedelic tryptamines (such as DMT and psilocybin) and other serotonergic psychedelics like LSD and mescaline. However what makes ibogaine's pharmacodynamic properties and subjective experience unique from that of other psychedelic tryptamines and serotonergic psychedelics is that it also acts as a dissociative through antagonism of the NMDA receptor set (like ketamine) as well as acting as an agonist for the κ-opioid receptor set, like the diterpenoid compound salvinorin A (found in Salvia divinorum). Ibogaine's agonism to the κ-opioid receptors is thought to be what is responsible for ibogaine's well-documented anti-addictive properties, as salvinorin exhibits a similar alleviation of withdrawal symptoms in individuals addicted to opiates and methamphetamine.

NMDA receptor antagonists induce a state called dissociative anesthesia, marked by catalepsy, amnesia, and analgesia. Ketamine is a favored anesthetic for emergency patients with unknown medical history and in the treatment of burn victims because it depresses breathing and circulation less than other anesthetics. The NMDA receptor antagonist dextromethorphan is one of the most commonly used cough suppressants in the world.

Depressed NMDA receptor function is associated with an array of negative symptoms. For example, NMDA receptor hypofunction that occurs as the brain ages may be partially responsible for memory deficits associated with aging. Schizophrenia may also have to do with irregular NMDA receptor function (the glutamate hypothesis of schizophrenia). Increased levels of another NMDA antagonist, kynurenic acid, may aggravate the symptoms of schizophrenia, according to the "kynurenic hypothesis". NMDA receptor antagonists can mimic these problems; they sometimes induce "psychotomimetic" side effects, symptoms resembling psychosis. Such side effects caused by NMDA receptor inhibitors include hallucinations, paranoid delusions, confusion, difficulty concentrating, agitation, alterations in mood, nightmares, catatonia, ataxia, anaesthesia, and learning and memory deficits.

References
Baker, D. (2007). Overcoming depersonalization and feelings of unreality: a self-help guide to using cognitive behavioral techniques. London: Robinson.

Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-IV-TR. (4th ed.). (2000). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Irwin, R., Maragakis, N., Rogawski, M., Purdy, R., Farb, D., & Paul, S. (1992). Pregnenolone sulfate augments NMDA receptor mediated increases in intracellular Ca2+ in cultured rat hippocampal neurons. Neuroscience Letters, 141(1), 30-34.

Li, Z., Cui, S., Zhang, Z., Zhou, R., Ge, Y., Sokabe, M., et al. (2009). DHEA-neuroprotection and -neurotoxicity after transient cerebral ischemia in rats. Cerebral Blood Flow Metabolism, 29(2), 287-96.

Maninger, N., Wolkowitz, O., Reus, V., Epel, E., & Mellon, S. (2009). Neurobiological and Neuropsychiatric Effects of Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) and DHEA Sulfate (DHEAS). Front Neuroendocrinology, 30((1), 65-91.

Neziroglu, F. A., & Donnelly, K. F. (2010). Overcoming depersonalization disorder: a mindfulness & acceptance guide to conquering feelings of numbness & unreality. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Reutens, S., Nielson, O., & Sachdev, P. (2010). Depersonalization disorder. Current Opinion in Psychiatry, 23, 278-283.

Sierra, M. (2008). Depersonalization disorder: pharmacological approaches. Expert Review of Neurotherapeutics, 8(1), 19(







.

Sierra, M. (2009). Depersonalization: a new look at a neglected syndrome. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Sierra, M., & David, A. (2010). Depersonalization: a selective impairment of self-awareness. Consciousness and Cognition, 20, 99-108.

Strous, R. (2005). Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) augmentation in the management of schizophrenia symptomatology. Essential Psychopharmacology, 6(3), 141-7.


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## Solveig

LoserBoy said:


> Damn I could relate to you so much...What did we do to deserve this?im only 16 young
> And I'm scared I'm going to have this for the rest of my life.....God help us


Please don't give up hope. The fact that you are only 16 is actually in your favor. Your brain is still undergoing a great deal of growth and is highly plastic in its ability to adapt and heal. If I can get as far as I have with the severe damage I endured through using ibogaine, I am fully confident you can get to a place of healing as well. That's not to say I am by any means healed, but I am beginning to see signs of hope. There are so many tools you can utilize in helping yourself.

I think that's one of the hardest parts - what did we do to deserve this?! I was in the prime of my life and had a bright future ahead of me just one year ago. That now seems like another person's life. I see myself as the person I was before DP and ibogaine and the person I am after. I refuse to give up though.

I pray for all of us every day. I am not interested in martyrdom, but I truly believe that those untouched by this disorder have absolutely no concept of the suffering that depersonalization causes. We are experiencing a side to consciousness that was never meant to be experienced. It is perverted and horrific. Yet, I believe that there is something to be gained in everything we go through. I have learned things I never otherwise would have learned. I have empathy and compassion to a degree I never would have otherwise developed. I know that when I get well and begin to feel alive and connected again, I will be the most deeply appreciative and grateful person on earth and I will continue to work very hard on helping to prevent and heal this disorder.

Thank you for reading my story. I know it's long and a daunting read, so I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. I wish you the best. I think this website is a great tool for helping us figure out how to cope and heal from DP.


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## Soul Seeker

Solveig, didn't get a chance to read your paper yet, but I see you don't have any citations from Simeon. I have pretty much all her papers and you want, I can email you them all.

You obviously know a great deal about the consequences DP has on the brain, which is fantastic for DP research - but I worry about your own personal happiness. This type of thinking, particularly when you are suffering from DP, is prone to provoke dissociation. I have a slightly different view of DP than you, less materialist and more psychological, but I appreciate both viewpoints (albeit in different ways). I would love to talk about DP with you at some point, I think it could be a very fruitful conversation.


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## Soul Seeker

A few things:

Your paper talks about micropsia and macropsia prevalence in depersonalization, but I don't think it's a very common symptom. Correct me if I'm wrong.

When you talk about hyper-awareness...it's not exactly how I would describe it. When you have DP, you have a hyper-awareness of threatening things, but not opportunities. It's very difficult to see the good in situations. We usually only perceive (or judge) the threats. Thusly, we look for excuses to not partake in activities that would actually help us recover, e.g. social interactions, exercise, etc etc.

I will post more thoughts as I read further.


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## Solveig

Hello Soul Seeker - thank you for reading the paper and for your feedback.

Here's the fundamental separation I see between different forms of DP - there is a psychological DP (which I think is an intense sort of dissociation caused from severe trauma) and there is a physiological DP that is truly a brain disease resulting from prolonged states of stress (whether that stress be mental, physical, emotional, etc. is not important as it all ultimately taxes the hell out of your adrenal system, negatively affecting the HPA axis). I believe that the two overlap in many circumstances but not always. Obviously a person is a system comprised of multiple intertwined aspects - psychological, physiological, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, etc. One area cannot be affected without others also being affected.

In my case I have never experienced (to my knowledge) what I've read about as a dissociative state. I am always "in my body" so to speak, but hyper-aware that I don't feel fully aware, fully connected, fully present - it's like there is a dimmer switch to my perception that's been set on low and everything is faded out (some days were so bad the world almost looked white and I could barely make out detail). Gosh, I sure _wish_ I could dissociate from this mess at times! I know that in reality that probably isn't true, but in theory it sounds nice. I am still fully participating in my life and haven't retreated into a shell. I know that it's fundamental to my well-being and recovery to continue to interact on all levels.

I am guessing that many people who have experienced trauma and have known dissociative depersonalization also go onto develop physiological symptoms of depersonalization as well. Clearly trauma can provoke prolonged states of stress. So you have dissociation from the trauma on a psychic/psychological level and then you end up with taxed adrenals, thus affecting your brain and eventually developing full-blown physiological DP. On the other hand, I'm sure it's happened that someone who simply worked too hard and/or experienced some prolonged anxiety (but never experienced a clearly defined traumatic event) developed physiological DP and then went onto also experience dissociation on a psychological level simply because of how psychologically frightening DP can be.

In my own case, I know that this has been primarily a physiological manifestation of DP; however, I have been deeply impacted by the ibogaine experience and the resulting intensification of DP and I know that it has caused a spiritual crisis as well. I am addressing this on all levels by going to CBT and working with various spiritual healers in my community and family. I know that I work very well on a logical level and so it is easier for me to research, explain, and write about DP on a physiological level, especially since my experience of DP has been largely of that nature. The spiritual side of dissociation is so unique to each individual I hesitate to define that through writing. It is certainly a huge piece to many people's experience, but it's not a road I can walk for anyone else. Understanding the spiritual and psychological realm of myself is challenging enough! No doubt it plays a part and I believe there's a lot of reaffirming work out there that helps to explore and validate why those who have been psychologically traumatized are experiencing the symptoms they are - this validation in itself can be incredibly healing (knowing that you are not going crazy and that it's normal to feel the way you do). My desire is to help people with solutions that can potentially work across the board and allow people to feel well enough to even begin the process of working on the emotional/spiritual. When you feel physically like absolute hell it can be nearly impossible to work on psychological issues.

You asked about micropsia and macropsia prevalence. I think it's fairly rare, but can definitely happen with physiological DP. I know I experienced it to a small degree when I returned from Mexico for a couple of weeks.

The hyper-awareness was a description of self-monitoring. Maybe there is a better way to word this? You are absolutely right that the focus becomes on the negative to the exclusion of the positive.

One more thing - physiological DP occurs frequently in college student populations, especially on the graduate level. Students who are pushing themselves very hard and running on empty from lack of sleep and sometimes lack of proper nourishment often stress their system out to the point of adrenal fatigue and I believe this plays a primary role in the development of their DP. These are not people who have necessarily suffered a traumatic event (unless you count college as trauma, which is certainly arguable!), but are strong candidates for DP.


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## Solveig

Soul Seeker - I also wanted to thank you for the suggestion of Mucuna Pruriens. I've had that on my list of supplements to try, but have read conflicting testimonies as to its safety. Can you tell me a little more about your experience with the supplement?

Ibogaine actually lowers overall dopamine levels, which is unfortunate as dopamine levels are often low as it is in those with DP. I think I probably took the world's absolute worst substance for physiological DP! Ibogaine is an NMDA antagonist and DP is a dysregulation of the NMDA receptor. Ibogaine is an agonist at the kappa opioid receptor and DP is thought to benefit from a kappa opioid antagonist action. Ibogaine lowers overall dopamine and DP often involves already low dopamine levels.

I believe that ibogaine could be extremely useful if a person were suffering from strictly psychological/spiritual/dissociative DP but _not_ physiological DP, which is what I already had going into the ibogaine experience.


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## visualizations

Hello I also had to start recovering from a type of anxiety plus medicine induced brain trauma.

I was on risperdal and then became a short period alchoholic. Then suffered anxiety after taking ecstasy one night for several months.

So I experienced a kind of agonizing event the first couple months of the year.

These are some things that might help you out in your recovery.

[Piracetam
Aniracetam
Pramiracetam
Oxiracetam]

stack all of those since they all work a bit differently. oxiracetam increases audio while aniracetam increases visual. pramiracetam calms down thought process, and piracetam is more executive-function-like. aniracetam is particularly anxiolytic and a weak serotonin modulator.

These combined seemed to increase cAMP, brain growth, memory, overall brain function with the most important being an increase in NMDA receptor binding density.
oxiracetam increases NMDA by 20% over time according to a study.

These need to be taken with DHA, omega 3 and about 3 grams of alpha-gpc.

some of these things can be found at smartpowders.com

Another thing that could help with brain damage at a later stage when your brain is more calm is artichoke+forskolin extract. A thread on this could be found at longecity forum. It mostly helps with Long-Term Potentiation of memory and synaptic growth.

SerinAid - phosphatydlserine complex is another phospholipid that seems to help with brain repair, but it actually reduces cortisol (stress).

Finally IGF-1 spray in combination with the racetam stack has helped base-line brain "awakeness" increase. This provides a little shot of brain growth to get it going with things like fibroblasts that might get through the BBB, but i'm not sure. I dont know what gets through, but some growth factor in it does get through and theres quiet a few in it.

If you have any questions dont be afraid to contact me. Vitamin D3 also helps with depression.

The racetam stack has normalized my cyclic emotional lability from getting off the medicine since it normalizes brain function through AMPA/NMDA. My depression is mostly gone, my anxiety is not there as much, my cognition is better and im starting recall things from the past very well.


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## missjess

hi Solveig

Firstly I'm unsure if you got my response to the email I sent you?
I forgot to ask in your experience where you went to take Ibogaine did you have someone accompany you on your journey into the spiritual world?? 
From what I have read it can be dangerous to do it on your own, where I am going I am certain the shaman will be taking the medicine with me and accompanying me into the spiritual realm.

Jess


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## hennessy

so how come that Ibogaine helped other people? They felt like their brains got resetted and they %100 came back to reality. They felt like their soul just returned to their body.

Is it too risky to try? Maybe we should try it with a good guide?


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## hennessy

Solveig said:


> Soul Seeker - I also wanted to thank you for the suggestion of Mucuna Pruriens. I've had that on my list of supplements to try, but have read conflicting testimonies as to its safety. Can you tell me a little more about your experience with the supplement?
> 
> Ibogaine actually lowers overall dopamine levels, which is unfortunate as dopamine levels are often low as it is in those with DP. I think I probably took the world's absolute worst substance for physiological DP! Ibogaine is an NMDA antagonist and DP is a dysregulation of the NMDA receptor. Ibogaine is an agonist at the kappa opioid receptor and DP is thought to benefit from a kappa opioid antagonist action. Ibogaine lowers overall dopamine and DP often involves already low dopamine levels.
> 
> I believe that ibogaine could be extremely useful if a person were suffering from strictly psychological/spiritual/dissociative DP but _not_ physiological DP, which is what I already had going into the ibogaine experience.


How can we exactly know if our dr/dp is psychological or physiological?


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## Solveig

hennessy said:


> How can we exactly know if our dr/dp is psychological or physiological?


From everything I've read and heard from others, psychological DP seems to be associated with traumatic emotional experience. My DP had nothing to do with an emotional trauma. It was strictly related to sleep deprivation and increasing levels of stress. Of course, any kind of trauma is stressful and stress in and of itself is traumatic, so there is a lot of overlap there. But I think there can be a clear distinction between psychological and physiological DP. A person's experience of being abused, raped, in a car accident, etc. results in a DP that is the psyche's protective reaction to the trauma. It is a form of dissociation. In contrast to this, prolonged exposure to stress (such as a student who pushes themselves very hard and stays up late studying, or a person who has a sleep disorder and cannot get adequate rest, or someone with a job that is taxing their system to a detrimental level) can eventually result in DP. I think psychological DP also affects the physiology of the brain but in a different way. My experience with DP was not a dissociation on a psychological level. Everything that initially occurred was a physiological reaction to extreme stress upon my brain and body. The psychological aspect kicked in later after my psyche responded to the changes that the physiological response brought. Hope that makes sense. Of course, I am not trained to be making any of these statements. It's just my theory.


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## Solveig

In response to your questions about why ibogaine helped others and whether it's too risky to try I included an excerpt from a message I sent to another user on dpselfhelp:

"I feel so conflicted about recommending versus deterring people regarding ibogaine. I know it has helped so many people and I truly believe in its ability to heal. Yet, the terrible result of my own experience is something I may live with for the rest of my life. I am quite possibly forever brain damaged from ibogaine. I cannot recommend ibogaine one way or another but I do strongly caution those with intense depersonalization to think twice about using it.

I am still on a quest to heal myself. My world is very different from one year ago. I suffer every day in deprivation of "normal life", wondering if I will ever be the same. I am currently on 225 mg of Lamictal and that has helped some, certainly more than anything else I've tried. I've spoken to a medical doctor friend who has practiced psychiatry for some years and has a good understanding of the anatomy and physiology of the brain. Ibogaine affects voltage-gated sodium channels in the brain, along with a variety of neurotransmitter systems. My friend's theory is that my depersonalization had already severely thrown off the balance of these same systems and the ibogaine was like tossing oil on a fire. Everything that ibogaine is designed to do was contrary to what my brain needed at the time. The only drug, herb, treatment, healing modality, diet, etc. etc. that I tried that has sustainably helped is the Lamictal, which is a seizure medicine - a sodium channel blocker. Ibogaine essentially reset the level at which the voltage-gated sodium channels in my brain became excited. There is a threshold of energy required for depolarization and repolarization to occur at the voltage-gated sodium channel of a cell membrane and the depersonalization had already thrown this delicate balance off for me. Ibogaine finished off the job to the point of no return, resulting in a state akin to constantly being on the verge of a seizure. The closest understandable thing I can liken my experience to is what people describe right before having a seizure - the feeling of everything being "off", the world looking different, an intense feeling of unexplainable fear, anxiety, terror, a brain that feels as though there is too much electrical charge to it, difficulty focusing/scattered thought, and visual distortion. The intensity of these sensations ebb and flow, but they are always there. The same things that exacerbate seizure activity worsen my symptoms - fluorescent and/or flashing lights, stress, and lack of sleep. I hope I did a decent job of explaining the voltage-gated sodium channels as I'm no expert; only doing my best to communicate what was explained to me.

I believe in the science behind how our brains and bodies function, but I also believe there is an energetic and spiritual side to all living things that most humans haven't begun to fully grasp. It is this side that I hold out hope for in a possibility to heal. Science can only do so much, and has only done so much for me. I know there is a shaman from the Bwiti who administers iboga in Costa Rica. I've researched him and he seems legitimate. I know he has spoken of an antidote for those that take iboga and cannot handle it. I want to find out more from him about the possibilities of healing from this experience and his opinion about what happened. In an interview I listened to he spoke about how an untrained provider can really wreak havoc on a person's brain if they are not careful, and that some people are simply not cut out to use iboga in the first place."

If someone with DP asked me whether or not they should use ibogaine I would tell them to exhaust all other options and drop the notion of a "magic cure". Sometimes acceptance, sleep, healthy food, exercise, and support of friends and family are the best options available to us. Take a vacation and surround yourself with a new environment for awhile. It's amazing what can happen when we remove ourselves from the familiar (and sometimes detrimental) routine of our everyday lives. Above all, practice gratitude for the brain you do have right now. Believe me, things can be much, much worse. I would never have been able to comprehend what happened to me prior to ibogaine. It was simply too far outside the sphere of anything I'd ever experienced. Today I would gladly go back to what I perceived to be my worst moments prior to ibogaine. Emotional struggles pale in comparison to what I now experience everyday. A damaged brain is not something to take lightly and putting what is possibly nature's most powerful drug into your body is a risk I would never take again. That's my two cents. But there are so many people who are living better lives now as a result of ibogaine and I can't discount the reality of that. I guess you really have to look at the risk versus benefit ratio and decide if the risk of brain damage is worth it in comparison to your current situation. And if you decide to use iboga or ibogaine, use it in the most responsible way. Find someone extremely experienced with the plant to help guide you through the experience. Get an EKG and don't risk using it if your results are questionable. Purify your body of all drugs for the recommended period beforehand. Look deeply within yourself to see whether this is indeed the best path.


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## hennessy

Solveig said:


> In response to your questions about why ibogaine helped others and whether it's too risky to try I included an excerpt from a message I sent to another user on dpselfhelp:
> 
> "I feel so conflicted about recommending versus deterring people regarding ibogaine. I know it has helped so many people and I truly believe in its ability to heal. Yet, the terrible result of my own experience is something I may live with for the rest of my life. I am quite possibly forever brain damaged from ibogaine. I cannot recommend ibogaine one way or another but I do strongly caution those with intense depersonalization to think twice about using it.
> 
> I am still on a quest to heal myself. My world is very different from one year ago. I suffer every day in deprivation of "normal life", wondering if I will ever be the same. I am currently on 225 mg of Lamictal and that has helped some, certainly more than anything else I've tried. I've spoken to a medical doctor friend who has practiced psychiatry for some years and has a good understanding of the anatomy and physiology of the brain. Ibogaine affects voltage-gated sodium channels in the brain, along with a variety of neurotransmitter systems. My friend's theory is that my depersonalization had already severely thrown off the balance of these same systems and the ibogaine was like tossing oil on a fire. Everything that ibogaine is designed to do was contrary to what my brain needed at the time. The only drug, herb, treatment, healing modality, diet, etc. etc. that I tried that has sustainably helped is the Lamictal, which is a seizure medicine - a sodium channel blocker. Ibogaine essentially reset the level at which the voltage-gated sodium channels in my brain became excited. There is a threshold of energy required for polarization and depolarization to occur at sodium/potassium pumps within cell membranes and the depersonalization had already thrown this delicate balance off for me. Ibogaine finished off the job to the point of no return, resulting in a state akin to constantly being on the verge of a seizure. The closest understandable thing I can liken my experience to is what people describe right before having a seizure - the feeling of everything being "off", the world looking different, an intense feeling of unexplainable fear, anxiety, terror, a brain that feels as though there is too much electrical charge to it, difficulty focusing/scattered thought, and visual distortion. The intensity of these sensations ebb and flow, but they are always there. The same things that exacerbate seizure activity worsen my symptoms - fluorescent and/or flashing lights, stress, and lack of sleep. I hope I did a decent job of explaining the sodium/potassium pump as I'm no expert; only doing my best to communicate what was explained to me.
> 
> I believe in the science behind how our brains and bodies function, but I also believe there is an energetic and spiritual side to all living things that most humans haven't begun to fully grasp. It is this side that I hold out hope for in a possibility to heal. Science can only do so much, and has only done so much for me. I know there is a shaman from the Bwiti who administers iboga in Costa Rica. I've researched him and he seems legitimate. I know he has spoken of an antidote for those that take iboga and cannot handle it. I want to find out more from him about the possibilities of healing from this experience and his opinion about what happened. In an interview I listened to he spoke about how an untrained provider can really wreak havoc on a person's brain if they are not careful, and that some people are simply not cut out to use iboga in the first place."
> 
> If someone with DP asked me whether or not they should use ibogaine I would tell them to exhaust all other options and drop the notion of a "magic cure". Sometimes acceptance, sleep, healthy food, exercise, and support of friends and family are the best options available to us. Take a vacation and surround yourself with a new environment for awhile. It's amazing what can happen when we remove ourselves from the familiar (and sometimes detrimental) routine of our everyday lives. Above all, practice gratitude for the brain you do have right now. Believe me, things can be much, much worse. I would never have been able to comprehend what happened to me prior to ibogaine. It was simply too far outside the sphere of anything I'd ever experienced. Today I would gladly go back to what I perceived to be my worst moments prior to ibogaine. Emotional struggles pale in comparison to what I now experience everyday. A damaged brain is not something to take lightly and putting what is possibly nature's most powerful drug into your body is a risk I would never take again. That's my two cents. But there are so many people who are living better lives now as a result of ibogaine and I can't discount the reality of that. I guess you really have to look at the risk versus benefit ratio and decide if the risk of brain damage is worth it in comparison to your current situation. And if you decide to use iboga or ibogaine, use it in the most responsible way. Find someone extremely experienced with the plant to help guide you through the experience. Get an EKG and don't risk using it if your results are questionable. Purify your body of all drugs for the recommended period beforehand. Look deeply within yourself to see whether this is indeed the best path.


Can you check out my topic and comment about my situation and give advice? answer me from here or there please. 
Here is the link:
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/33514-is-dr-back-was-it-ever-gone/


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## Solveig

Read your posts and it sounds an awful lot like what I started out with pre-ibogaine. The only thing I would add is that for me it was like my self-awareness was put on high alert and drawn inward. Where before I was a person looking outward into the world, fully participating, I suddenly became a being pulled into a tight dark space of isolation within my own mind. It was very dark in there, both literally and figuratively. The feeling was so pervasive I even felt it in my dreams. Sleeping was difficult. Rumination and obsessive thought was constant. There was always this dark shadow following me wherever I went. It was a weird sensation constantly on the periphery of my vision field, this darkness or shadow. And everything else you described was also a part of my experience. These sensations are still with me, only intensified and in conjunction with all the other awfulness that's come out of ibogaine. I think my brain was in no state to receive such a powerful drug. It's crazy to me that I went my whole life until age thirty without any symptoms of DP or DR. Never, not once. I had a good life. I had periods of high anxiety and depression but nothing like what I started experiencing in October last year. I think our brains can only take so much. I try to imagine people who become prisoner's of war or recipients of psychological torture. I think my situation is akin to a story I heard once about Krystle Cole's boyfriend being psychologically tortured with a grotesque cocktail of huge amounts of hallucinogenic drugs for days on end. I wonder whatever happened to that man. Look up Krystle Cole and her neurosoup website to read more on her. Anyway, I can't tell you what to do. Wish I had answers myself. Have you tried any medication? I used to be diametrically opposed to medication and that's actually what led me to ibogaine in the first place, but today I thank God every day for the medication that has made my life somewhat liveable.


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## hennessy

Solveig said:


> Read your posts and it sounds an awful lot like what I started out with pre-ibogaine. The only thing I would add is that for me it was like my self-awareness was put on high alert and drawn inward. Where before I was a person looking outward into the world, fully participating, I suddenly became a being pulled into a tight dark space of isolation within my own mind. It was very dark in there, both literally and figuratively. The feeling was so pervasive I even felt it in my dreams. Sleeping was difficult. Rumination and obsessive thought was constant. There was always this dark shadow following me wherever I went. It was a weird sensation constantly on the periphery of my vision field, this darkness or shadow. And everything else you described was also a part of my experience. These sensations are still with me, only intensified and in conjunction with all the other awfulness that's come out of ibogaine. I think my brain was in no state to receive such a powerful drug. It's crazy to me that I went my whole life until age thirty without any symptoms of DP or DR. Never, not once. I had a good life. I had periods of high anxiety and depression but nothing like what I started experiencing in October last year. I think our brains can only take so much. I try to imagine people who become prisoner's of war or recipients of psychological torture. I think my situation is akin to a story I heard once about Krystle Cole's boyfriend being psychologically tortured with a grotesque cocktail of huge amounts of hallucinogenic drugs for days on end. I wonder whatever happened to that man. Look up Krystle Cole and her neurosoup website to read more on her. Strange character and even stranger story. Anyway, I can't tell you what to do. Wish I had answers myself. Have you tried any medication? I used to be diametrically opposed to medication and that's actually what led me to ibogaine in the first place, but today I thank God every day for the medication that has made my life somewhat liveable.


The thing about me is the dp/dr doesn't affect my daily life at all. I laugh, I party, I work, I fuck, I socialize A LOT. Most of the times I totally forget about it but then when I remember I can't be sure it's gone. I'm on Paxil(on pill a day) for 4 years. When I go to doctors they just say it's a symptom of anxiety. Do you think it's psychological and I should try Ibogaine? Does that drug has a spiritual side like Ayahuasca? If it does maybe you couldn't cope well with the problems during the experience and that's why it just got worse?


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## Solveig

hennessy said:


> The thing about me is the dp/dr doesn't affect my daily life at all. I laugh, I party, I work, I fuck, I socialize A LOT. Most of the times I totally forget about it but then when I remember I can't be sure it's gone. I'm on Paxil(on pill a day) for 4 years. When I go to doctors they just say it's a symptom of anxiety. Do you think it's psychological and I should try Ibogaine? Does that drug has a spiritual side like Ayahuasca? If it does maybe you couldn't cope well with the problems during the experience and that's why it just got worse?


It sounds like you have a pretty good life. You could look at it two ways: 1)Leave well enough alone and focus on the positive 2)Try to improve your circumstances through seeking some sort of healing. Ibogaine is certainly an option. Yes, it certainly does have a spiritual side. Do you have experiences with strong hallucinogenic drugs? Ayahuasca, peyote, etc.? Ibogaine is in a class by itself. I've heard there is absolutely no comparison. I was told not to think in terms of LSD or mushrooms. For me it was like mushrooms on mega-steroids. I have always hated psylocibin, so maybe that was something I could have looked at before using ibogaine. Everyone is so different though and there's no way to know how ibogaine (or anything else) will affect you. Just be smart about whatever you do.

As far as my experience and the spirituality of it being more than I could handle. What happened to me wasn't about spiritual trauma. It wasn't about high anxiety trauma, although there was certainly extreme stress from high anxiety! What happened to me was brain damage. All drugs have the capacity to do real damage to our brains to a lesser or greater extent, and ibogaine is most certainly one of them that has that capacity to a greater extent.

My advice to my own children would be to stay the hell away from drugs. For everyone else, I say proceed at your own risk. It's always a role of the dice. There are no guarantees. For some, things have gotten so bad that the possible benefits outweigh the risks. In your case, it sounds like you have a pretty good life for the most part. Maybe exercise other options first? Have you tried Craniosacral therapy? EMDR or CBT? Acupuncture or regular massage therapy? Reiki? A soul retrieval? Meditation? Rolfing? A really good vacation? A regular exercise routine? There are so many options to try before jumping to drugs. And as far as drugs are concerned, you could always look into changing your current medication. Sometimes SSRI's stop working as effectively. I've heard that adding Buspar to an SSRI that has ceased being as effective can help tremendously. Prior to my ibogaine experience I would never have been one to push pharmaceutical drugs, but now I look at pharmaceuticals much differently. Yes, they are a gamble too, but a much safer gamble than ibogaine. Ibogaine stays in your system for months after the initial usage. If a pharmaceutical drug experience goes bad you can flush it out of your body in a matter of days. You can't do that with ibogaine. Once it's in there, it's in there for months.

Believe me, I was drawn like a moth to a flame by the idea of ibogaine. A plant that can cure our spiritual problems and reset brain chemistry? How amazing!! I was absolutely enchanted by everything I learned about ibogaine. Read Daniel Pinchbeck's "Breaking Open the Head" for a more realistic assessment of the limitations of what iboga can really do for a person. Ibogaine and iboga are made out to be some kind of holy grail by their followers, but there are plenty of people out there who it didn't help in the profound way everyone seems to think it is guaranteed to do. My impression of the ibogaine community after all was said and done is that it comes off a bit cult-like. I was treated with dismissive irritation after what happened to me. There was this sense of coldness and the desire to explain my experience away as some sort of personal spiritual defect. If anything, these were the very people who should have been offering me the most support. I felt so completely alienated as the medical profession looked at me with a quizzical stare, not knowing anything about ibogaine, and the ibogaine community simply wanted to wash their hands of me and deny that this experience could have even happened in the first place.


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## hennessy

Solveig said:


> It sounds like you have a pretty good life. You could look at it two ways: 1)Leave well enough alone and focus on the positive 2)Try to improve your circumstances through seeking some sort of healing. Ibogaine is certainly an option. Yes, it certainly does have a spiritual side. Do you have experiences with strong hallucinogenic drugs? Ayahuasca, peyote, etc.? Ibogaine is in a class by itself. I've heard there is absolutely no comparison. I was told not to think in terms of LSD or mushrooms. For me it was like mushrooms on mega-steroids. I have always hated psylocibin, so maybe that was something I could have looked at before using ibogaine. Everyone is so different though and there's no way to know how ibogaine (or anything else) will affect you. Just be smart about whatever you do.
> 
> As far as my experience and the spirituality of it being more than I could handle. What happened to me wasn't about spiritual trauma. It wasn't about high anxiety trauma, although there was certainly extreme stress from high anxiety! What happened to me was brain damage. All drugs have the capacity to do real damage to our brains to a lesser or greater extent, and ibogaine is most certainly one of them that has that capacity to a greater extent.
> 
> My advice to my own children would be to stay the hell away from drugs. For everyone else, I say proceed at your own risk. It's always a role of the dice. There are no guarantees. For some, things have gotten so bad that the possible benefits outweigh the risks. In your case, it sounds like you have a pretty good life for the most part. Maybe exercise other options first? Have you tried Craniosacral therapy? EMDR or CBT? Acupuncture or regular massage therapy? Reiki? A soul retrieval? Meditation? Rolfing? A really good vacation? A regular exercise routine? There are so many options to try before jumping to drugs. And as far as drugs are concerned, you could always look into changing your current medication. Sometimes SSRI's stop working as effectively. I've heard that adding Buspar to an SSRI that has ceased being as effective can help tremendously. Prior to my ibogaine experience I would never have been one to push pharmaceutical drugs, but now I look at pharmaceuticals much differently. Yes, they are a gamble too, but a much safer gamble than ibogaine. Ibogaine stays in your system for months after the initial usage. If a pharmaceutical drug experience goes bad you can flush it out of your body in a matter of days. You can't do that with ibogaine. Once it's in there, it's in there for months.
> 
> Believe me, I was drawn like a moth to a flame by the idea of ibogaine. A plant that can cure our spiritual problems and reset brain chemistry? How amazing!! I was absolutely enchanted by everything I learned about ibogaine. Read Daniel Pinchbeck's "Breaking Open the Head" for a more realistic assessment of the limitations of what iboga can really do for a person. Ibogaine and iboga are made out to be some kind of holy grail by their followers, but there are plenty of people out there who it didn't help in the profound way everyone seems to think it is guaranteed to do. My impression of the ibogaine community after all was said and done is that it comes off a bit cult-like. I was treated with dismissive irritation after what happened to me. There was this sense of coldness and the desire to explain my experience away as some sort of personal spiritual defect. If anything, these were the very people who should have been offering me the most support. I felt so completely alienated as the medical profession looked at me with a quizzical stare, not knowing anything about ibogaine, and the ibogaine community simply wanted to wash their hands of me and deny that this experience could have even happened in the first place.


I have no idea about most of the methods you have adviced except reiki. Can you please explain them and how would they help? I tried Reiki before. Not a big deal except relaxation, may try again. Meditation seems dangerous to me since you focus way too much on yourself and existence all alone. That's very doubtful to cure dp/dr.
I smoked a lot of weed, snorted a lot of coke, popped ecstasies. But these have no connections with my dp/dr I just used them at social occasions. I'm very careful and conscious about consuming drugs. Also I believe they can add a lot to your life if you use them very carefully in right conditions. Never tried any of the psychedelics afraid of the bad trips and permanent damage. I think my subconscious is way too "dirty" and complex for them and I don't think I would control or handle my trip. I'm not willing to add anything to my daily Paxil unless it's a %100 cure. I can't afford the sexual side effects. Even with one Paxil a day it's sometimes hard to get it up









I have a good life yes you can tell. Also a very stressfull one. Also I have big egos that I'm trying to rasp. They cause me so much trouble. Also it's very easy for me to get obsessed.

When I first learnt about Ibogaine I felt exactly the same as you. A MIRACLE. But now it just seems too risky.
Still I want a %100 cure though.
Also I'm obsessed about a girl now and have no idea why. Questioning myself constantly.

We kissed with a girl 2 nights ago and had beautiful conversations. I usually never go wrong with these kind of situations. But she fucked another dude one day after. Normally I wouldn't give a damn but now I'm very obsessed about it, keep thinking and thinking and analyzing. Feeling anxious.


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## hennessy

Dude, I lost you?


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## Calesco

I'm so sorry to hear about your awful experience... those men should be held accountable for misleading you since they took away your individual reasoning by using slimy diplomacy, it seems like.

I understand if you never choose to use ibogaine again - in fact, your story has made me really consider the truthful possibilities that must be taken into account before trying it. Like yourself, I have thought that ibogaine would be a miracle cure... however, I am beginning to understand that it is not so simple. It is sad that you had to discover firsthand what dangers could result from approaching the ibogaine experience with self-doubt...

Heed what others have been saying and resist turning to the clinical descriptions of various mental disorders because they will not help you navigate your way out of this mental state; they can only help to identify it, but that process has now been accomplished by your own words. Consider that the dreamlike, depersonalized state that you find yourself stuck in is, in fact, simply another state of being that you can observe and monitor - even if it is not in accordance with reality that often. Each time you witness something that helps you to identify reality accurately (which is always possible unless a person is faced with a severe case of dementia), it will wake you up very gradually out of the dream because with every truthful contemplation you become increasingly grounded over time in what is real.

Reading many doctor's observations about depersonalization will not wake you up because you will be constantly feeding your mind information about the disorder, thereby making it increasingly difficult to navigate your thoughts away from it. The disorder will become the only thing that is grounded, consistent, and stable in your mind, and subsequently all other perceptions will be conceived in relation to it, which exacerbates the problem in an infinite feedback loop where it can no longer be said for certain what is real and what is not.

The same thing happened to me in the past when I became obsessed about being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Eventually, the disorder became my core identity, and it stayed that way until I started to look for the wisdom of the prophets to latch onto instead of taking constant comfort in the superior knowledge of medical professionals, who became like keepers of truth since, at the time, I always hunted desperately for their input and waited for the next pill to take.

Salome,

Tyler


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## Solveig

It's been awhile since my last post, and I wanted to give an update. I wrote this in response to someone's personal message and thought I would also share it hear, in the event it is helpful to someone else.

Ibogaine has forever changed my life. I have had to accept the possibility that my brain may never again function the way it did prior to ibogaine. For some reason, DP affects the brain in a way that other drugs may have a particularly damaging effect.

At the time I posted my writings about DP/DR and ibogaine, I was in a very different place from what I am today. I was seeking every possible avenue to wellness. I was formulating many hypotheses, and, through trial and error, learning what helped and what did not. I was also grasping at straws, so to speak, and hyper-vigilant to any response or reaction I might be experiencing from various treatments/drugs/remedies, etc. I was so hopeful when I would notice the slightest relief. In truth, most of the relief I experienced was truly negligible. However, I would not have made it through that hellacious time period without a degree of blind optimism.

What ultimately pulled me into some semblance of reality was lamotrigine, commonly known as Lamictal. From the beginning, I felt that my brain was having some sort of seizure. I could not properly explain the phenomenon of the insane "electrical" energy pulsing through my brain, distorting my perception and causing severe psychological, neurological, visual, and auditory suffering. I've tried so hard to verbalize my experience, and been at such a loss, that it creates a deeper sense of alienation. The closest thing I can liken it to is an endless mushroom trip gone horribly awry, a never-ending hallucinogenic trip from hell. I believe that the ibogaine, in combination with DP/DR, caused abnormal brain functioning that was similar to an atypical type of seizure. When I began lamotrigine at 25 mg, I experienced the first true, albeit very small, reduction in symptoms. With each increase in dosage, I have experienced similar results, and I can honestly say that my life has reached a point of bearability. It is by no means comparable to the brain I had prior to ibogaine, but it is bearable. Prior to lamotragine, every second of the day was torturous and accompanied by the constant thought, "What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened? Holy shit, what the fuck happened?". Pardon my language!

I am now taking 700 mg of lamotrigine, which is way above the maximum recommended dosage of 400 mg. It is my belief that the tolerance of such a high dose is indicative of the severe malfunction of my brain. I know I could never have handle such a dose prior to ibogaine. Other supplements I take to keep me healthy and my brain functioning at optimal levels, relative being the key word, consist of the following:

2000 mg of high quality fish oil by Nordic Naturals or Carlson's
400 mg CoQ10 made by Healthy Origins
Advanced B Complex made by AOR (this brand contains bioavailable B vitamins)
800 mcg of Folacal (folate) made by Thorne Resarch - when taking lamotrigine, it is important to take extra folate, and it is important to take folate as opposed to folic acid. Folate is, again, more bioavailable. Folic acid can actually be toxic at higher doses and prolonged usage. Folate is what is actually present in the food we consume, whereas folic acid is a synthesized version that is not as well absorbed by the body. I take several versions of folate in order to maximize absorption).
5 mg of 5-MTHF by Thorne Research (another type of bioavailable folate.
400 mcg of Fully Active Best Folate by Doctor's Best - another bioavailable form of folate.
1 mg of Methylcobalamin by Thorne Research - a bioavailable form of B12, which is important to take along with folate supplements and also very critical to proper brain functioning.
150 mg of Benfotiamine made by Doctor's Best - bioavailable Thiamin - I really load up on the B vitamins because they are highly necessary in optimal brain function.
500 mg of Acetyl L-Carnitine made by Thorne Research - an amino acid that is helpful for brain functioning.
140 mg of Magnesium Citrate made by Thorne Research - magnesium is also key to brain functioning.
100 mg of Mag Malate Renew by AOR - another form of magnesium.
2000 mg of vitamin C (in the form of Ester C) by American Health
1 capsule of Citramins II made by Thorne Research - a mineral complex that is also important to brain functioning.
300 mg of Super R-Lipoic Acid made by Life Extension - useful to brain function.
2400 Sunflower Lecithin made by NOW - a non-soy based form of choline - useful to brain function.
5000 mg of vitamin D3 made by Healthy Origins - very important to health in many different aspects.

Herbal supplements:
Astragalus by Oregon's Wild Harvest - this is a key supplement for me due to lamotrigine's possible affect on white blood cell count (possible leukopenia). Astragalus is a safe long-term immune system booster that increases white blood cell count. I've had several blood tests confirming that my white blood cells are functioning at optimal levels, which I attribute to astragalus.
Milk Thistle by Oregon's Wild Harvest - milk thistle is an excellent supplement for aiding in liver function, which can be compromised by taking pharmaceutical drugs.
320 mg of Turmeric made by New Chapter - studied for brain function, inflammation, and association with Alzheimer's prevention.

I also take a calcium supplement, which can also boost brain function; however, I take it primarily because osteoporosis runs in my family, digestive enzymes which help with absorption of food and supplements, and probiotics which maintain a healthy digestive tract.

I know this is quite the laundry list of supplements, and they are definitely not cheap but, in my opinion, worth every penny for the cognitive and health boost they provide. I choose high-quality brands without magnesium stearate, which is a common lubricant additive that is actually a type of trans fat. Most vitamins and supplements are made using magnesium stearate, and many people do not realize it's potential negative health impact.

This may be far more costly than is affordable, in which case I recommend using the B complex vitamins and fish oil. If you decide to try lamotrigine, I think it's important to take astragalus for immune system function. I think all of these supplements, along with daily exercise, good sleep, a healthy diet, and the occasional indulgence of a massage go a long way to maintaining a manageable existence and potential healing. You asked about adrenal function, and I believe these are all helpful to healing the adrenal system as well.

Lamotrigine, as well as these supplements, have provided me with the most relief I've attained so far. The prescribing nurse I am seeing suggested I try Keppra, another seizure medication that has actually been widely used by people with HPPD (hallucinogen persisting perception disorder). If you haven't heard of that, you should look it up, especially since you have compounded the DP/DR with MDMA. I have had such horrible reactions to so many pharmaceutical drugs in the past that I am hesitant to try more, but I will take that plunge at some point.

I hope this information is helpful to you and not too overwhelming in scope. Let me know if there is anything more I can offer to you in the way of help or support. I feel for all of you, particularly those that have compounded their DP/DR with another drug, and can empathize very deeply. It is an incredibly painful and frightening experience and one nobody else truly understands. You can look "fine" from the outside, but no one realizes the personal hell going on inside. It's unfortunate that a disorder like DP, which is so tremendously alienating, is also a relatively unknown disorder that intensifies the feelings of alienation and aloneness. I want to educate everyone I meet about this condition in order to raise awareness so that it is less likely someone experiencing it will be met with a blank stare.

Warmly,
Solveig


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## Solveig

In the event it is helpful to someone, here is another response to a DP self help member. My greatest hope is to help someone with their experience, whether it is someone who is considering ibogaine and would like to know the possible risks, or someone who is suffering due to having used ibogaine. Ibogaine seems to be a controversial subject for some. My interest is not to scare anyone away from ibogaine or iboga. If you feel that it is your calling to use these substances, then that is a journey for you to take. I won't dispute that ibogaine can be extremely helpful for healing, whether from addiction or spiritual or mental suffering. While in Mexico, I saw firsthand the positive effect it can have, but it is not always that way, and I only want to present my experience.

I am worlds better than I was, but I don't know that my brain will ever be the same. The ibogaine did some real damage, and it is perhaps irreparable. I keep hoping there is something out there to heal my brain, but, so far, the closest thing I have found is lamotrigine (Lamictal). During the initial ibogaine flood, I felt as though my brain was experiencing nuclear meltdown. It was unbearable mental/neurological anguish. I felt like acid had been poured over every cell in my brain. It was chaotic electrical madness. After the flood, I was left with many of the same sensations, although not as acute as during the flood, and an unending feeling of electricity buzzing through my head. My DP and DR were worse than ever. I felt as though I was having one long seizure in my brain. So, it is interesting that the one drug that helped was a seizure medication. Lamotrigine is a sodium-channel blocker and acts on voltage-gated sodium channels. Ibogaine affects voltage-gated sodium channels in the brain. The conclusion I have drawn is that ibogaine fried my voltage-gated sodium channels, sped them up somehow. I don't have precise words for it because I am not an expert in understanding the physiology of the brain, but I think there is something to the sodium channel hypothesis.

Lamotrigine has allowed me some respite from the atrocious aftermath of ibogaine. It quiets my mind enough to make life bearable and has, for the most part, given me back normal vision. My vision was distorted, as if I were on a hallucinogenic trip, which I guess I was...a neverending hallucinogenic trip from hell. Today, I am able to sleep and function without feeling like my brain is on fire. I am able to continue on with life. It isn't the life I wanted, it is far from the brain I used to have, but it is something I can live with. I searched and searched for natural methods of healing, to no avail. I found solace in a pharmaceutical drug. Some people may take issue with that, but I really don't care. It is what helped me to live, and that's all that matters.


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## Swansea

Solveig i just wanted to let you know i really respect your effort and your tenacity for healing and taking responsibility for yourself. I too was like you before this drug induced DP experience. Wanted nothing to do with pharmaceutical drugs and was only willing to try alternative and natural approaches. I interned and worked at a naturopathic shop and herbal dispensary for years. I regularly got acupuncture and did yoga etc. I read about different diets voraciously and shunned western medicine as being corrupt, only for profit, capitalistic. But, now I am willing to try western medicine and i actually think i have matured in this process. Sometimes it isnt black and white thinking. Sometimes its not holistic versus western medicine. Sometimes it is good to be able to integrate these two methods and use any and every tool that can help you to heal. I think it is a humbling experience to take responsibility and take some traditional meds and I applaud you for that


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## Solveig

Thank you, Swansea. It means a lot to me to read that. I spent a long time being arrogant. I was raised to believe in holistic medicine, that the earth gave us all we needed, and stepping outside that box was a negative thing. I read book after book on natural healing, and it became my doctrine. I judged the pharmaceutical drug industry in the same what that you did. I loathed all that I believed it stood for. I had contempt for doctors, and I thought western medicine was 90% bullshit designed to keep us dependent, ignorant, and helpless. I lectured ad nauseam the ways that natural healing was superior. I went so far as to silently judge the people I knew for their ignorance in taking a pharmaceutical drug. I resorted to Zoloft nine months before my ill-fated trip to Mexico, but, even though it was helping me tremendously, I couldn't get past the guilt I had for taking it. So I quit, and looked for something that I felt comfortable with because it was a plant, it was natural, so surely it had to be good. The consequences of my choices have humbled me beyond measure. I wish it hadn't taken such a catastrophic experience to allow me the ability to see that, as you put it, healing isn't a black and white issue. Holistic is defined as the interconnected nature of the whole. Perhaps holistic medicine need not be limited to what is considered "natural". To truly be holistic, all modalities must be included, and western medicine is just another modality of healing. Lamotrigine works for me, and, at one point in my life I would have felt guilt over that, but today I have no shame in saying that lamotrigine is a healing drug for me, and I am open to utilizing western medicine. I've let the judgment go.


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## clockwork8

You've written a lot and I'm unfortunately not going to respond to tha tmuch of it right now. I'm just going to say that the distinction between natural and synthetic substances is pretty arbitrary... it is not like they are made of a different type of matter. A substance is a substance. Just because it's created by plants outside of a lab does not really change it at all, and there are plenty of substances made outside of labs that are very bad for humans.

Also if lamotrigine helps you in some way, you could also try gabapentin, it's also an anticonvulsant and helps some for me.


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## DP-IN-AZ

I went to Mexico to take Ibogaine for an opiate addiction.

I "woke up" after the 2-3 day hallucinogenic trip and I knew something very dramatic had changed me.

I returned home from Mexico with what I now know was the hell referred to as DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER.

Solvieg, I just found and read all your posts on this thread and I just wanted to reach out to you and anyone else thinking about Iboga.

I too wanted to experience this mystical plant.

Im a believer in the power of the plant kingdom and how it interacts with our existence. Ive done LSD and Mushrooms and found them to be truly consciousness expanding. And I still do feel that entheogenic plant medicines are way for mother nature to communicate with us on the deepest level. I look forward to some day trying Peyote and Ayahuasca and Im a huge Terrence McKenna and Daniel Pinchbeck and Joe Rogan fan etc.. But my Ibogaine experience is something I wish would have had turned out quite differently.

After the flood dose I felt like i was some sort of an a electric skeleton with neon explosions coursing through my brain.

When I finally had the courage to walk out of the room I had been in for almost four days straight (i was terrified to face the outside world), I approached one of the doctors at the Ensenada rehab place I was at and told him something felt very wrong. He assured me it was normal and everyday I would feel more and more normal. I told him I felt like my head was in a fish tank and I was walking on cotton balls.

I returned to my room and I remember saying to myself that I was brain damaged.

I felt like i was going to have to give up my booming career and go live with my mother. I was a 39 year old man at that moment with a very nice paid-for home, family and career yet after waking from Ibogaine, i literally thought to myself that I was going to have to go live with my "mommy".

I was a changed man.

Solveig, when I read your comment just now describing being in a fish tank, I didn't know weather to laugh or cry.

I knew you and I had experienced something very similar.

It took me about a year after returning home from Mexico to realize, that it wasn't just "depression" or "Ataxia" or "mid-life Crisis" or "Low Testosterone" that I was suffering with.

I had done some research and learned the word Depersonalization.

It's been two and half years since returning from Mexico and sadly I can say that I basically feel the same way I did when I awoke from the Ibogaine trip. The only real difference is that I've learned to face the people in my life. I've learned that I have no choice but to face the outside world. Even when it seems like a dream. Even when the sun light feels like I'm in an old black and white Sci-fi film.

I'm not gonna go on describing every detail of the hellish ibogaine experience or how I've managed to stay alive, eek out a living and all the medications I've tried to no avail. Because if your on this site, you've heard it all.

Not to imply Ive given up hope, because I haven't, and neither should any of us.

I just wanted to say to Solvieg, your not alone. Even though our Iboga stories are slightly different (you had some DP type symptoms before Iboga, yet I had not).

Ibogaine caused my Depersonalization. No doubt about it.

And I know that the Iboga fans are loud and proud and I don't blame them. If it worked, hallelujah. But it doesn't work for everybody. In fact it can cause more harm than good in some instances. I just feel like Solviegs story should be validated by another person like me. Someone who Ibogaine had an extremely negative reaction upon.

I mentioned I wasn't gonna write a ton more about my experience only because I don't want to waste anyones time, but if anyone wants more info or support, don't hesitate to ask.

good luck to all of us


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## dreamedm

GUYS!

I just learnt that Ibogaine HCL should NOT be given to people with DP or anyone with any psychological disorder.

This article clearly states that it should be ONLY Iboga TA, and never Ibogaine HCL, that should be administered to people suffering from DP or any mental illness. The article states that Iboga TA, specifically, can reverse DP, instead of create it, like Ibogaine HCL:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk%3ADepersonalization_disorder


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## TDX

If Ibogains action on the kappa opioid system accounts for it's anti-depersonalisative effect then there is no place for it in the treatment of depersonalization, because selective kappa-opioid antagonists like ALKS-5461 should have the same effect without the dangerous side-effects of ibogaine.


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## schizo699

I reached permanent and real ego death from Iboga. I died. I don't have an ego, I don't know what I am and where I am. I went 'dead' or 'blank', call it as you wish. I lost my past, I have no memories, I don't know where I belong. I don't have my own path anymore. I am homeless and jobless, I 'live' in a 'Life House' with drug addicts and I have never touched even alcohol. I don't exist. Its been 6 months. I lost my personal identity. I don't recognize myself and never will.

I took it because I had severe Schizoid Personality Disorder (very undeveloped ego, even similar to autism in a way). So Iboga is not for schizoids, their egos wont last that...

I have been to Gabon in Africa and had full initiation. I have eaten something like 3 scoops of rootbark out of 5 that were planned. As soon as I have eaten Iboga I said, almost shouted out loud - ' I am not myself!'. They ignored this, they are just bunch of wild Africans. When I was drinking water after eating Iboga I didn't even feel my throat. Water was going through nothing, I didn't even have a body.

I have no consciousness of writing this post now on the internet, neither do I know who is writing to you, I lost my whole 'self'.

I am only waiting for the moment that I commit a suicide, finally.

schizo699


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## KurtCobain

I wish I had something notable to say to add to the conversation, but at the moment I am so fatigued that thinking is extremely difficult. As another person mentioned, you seem like a very strong and intelligent person and because of this I am hopeful for you. I know exactly what you mean by describing that 'electric feeling' in your head... I see it as some sort of hyper adrenal-anxious state where we feel very hyper-vigilant and become easily overwhelmed. I hope all the best to you and that you can find more peace in your life. It's as though our brains are always in hyper-drive, and any psychoactive substance on top of that just sends us into overdrive and we become extremely overwhelmed. Thank you for sharing this, as I have considered ibogaine at times.

Once again, I am mentally exhausted to the point that it's hard to piece thoughts together, but I can relate to nearly every perceptual and emotional (or lack thereof) difficulty you have listed.

You seem knowledgeable and very aware of the process of depersonalization.

The only counter-argument I have is that I would imagine the neurochemistry of someone with depersonalization is a lot more complex that we understand. You seem to know a lot more than me, and maybe you are right, but I feel as though there is more going on than just an imbalance in the NMDA receptor.

I apologize if I have misunderstood what you are saying, I feel as though I have spent countless hours upon hours trying to understand how depersonalisation manifests itself and how it works exactly, but at the end of the day the only thing I am certain about is that many of my DP/DR symptoms are a result of an unfocused mind, and that focusing on the here and now are the most important thing.


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