# My story



## yuri (Sep 4, 2019)

Firstly. I am not diagnosed. I am diagnosed with Asperger, GAD, Social phobia, Insomnia, ADD. I don't know if I need so many diagnosis but it is what it is.

I will start with a short version on how I got here. Was born to two parents who hated each other but still lived in the same house. It was shouting and screaming and threats of them killing each other. Like my mum would shout that she would stab my father with a scissor when he slept. It wasn't any psychical things that happened just shouting, threats and hate. My parents wasn't good at shoving affection and I cant remember questions about my day ore interest in my life. I was scared of my fathers temper and he was kind of an control freak. My sister says I was never good enough for him because I was more of a brainy child then in to sports. She says that he hit me as well. Don´t remember my self and my sister I cant really trust. Her coping mechanism is to exaggerate to get attention.

My first five school years I was bullied. It started with me crying for losing my cat and got worse over time. My parents wouldnt help me and no teacher ether. I didn't have an adult ore friend to turn to... *cant seem to write anymore. To many words I guess?


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Hi Yuri. While not an exact mirror of my childhood, I identified with many of the things you said and saw parallels with my life. I hope you find something useful on the site.


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## yuri (Sep 4, 2019)

*Continued

So i decided to just stop showing negative emotions. I where maybe 9 when I hit myself really hard with a tennis racket, by accident, then and there I decided I was done with crying and showing negative emotions. My parents divorced and they become even worse. My mum went alcoholic and dated her new neighbor. One night she came and woke me and my sister up and yelled for hours how we had destroyed her relationship with the neighbor. She had recently hit me as well. Me and my sister had to move to my dad. He found a new one as well. My sister says that he told us he choose his new family over us and was a control freak. We should´t make a noise and he slept with the phones in bed so we couldn't call anyone. I don't remember what happened but we couldn't live there anymore so we had to move to my mum again. I didn't want to live at either but mum was the least bad option. She was incapable at the time to talk things out so our relationship where sour. I started junior high (age 13) now and I got a lot of friends, I knew everybody more ore less in the school. Started drinking, trying drugs and said FY to adults, not literary I where still kind of a nice person, but I felt they hadn't deserved to tell me what to do. Where 2-3 people who fucked with everybody at the school, me as well, but as a whole I had lots of friends. I pushed the things that was trouble in my life away, didn't let me think about it, didn't talk about it. Where afraid to show myself weak. My dad was still psycho but I didn't had to much contact with him so I didn't care. He showed up in school when they phoned my parents about ditching a lot of classes. But he was there just to show him as a parent who cared, not for my benefit. My mum made me feel not welcome in her home. I did what I wanted more ore less and the usual routine where that she yell at me, cry and then ignore me for days. Didn't feel like I belonged, didn't feel welcome.

My dad got cancer in the stomach at this point. At the same time I started high school (age 16) and I think I got stressed about the new environment and all the new people. I got agoraphobia, social phobia and panic attacks over night. Didn't know what was happening to me. Thought I was going insane. Felt shame for my weakness. Tried to talk to a new friend in high school about it. He made fun of me so I didnt speak about my troubles to friends and family for a long long time, probably 10 years. I think that I had pushed so much negative thoughts and feelings away and that manifested in my phobias.

*Will continue later. It is nice to write but also very consuming.


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## yuri (Sep 4, 2019)

Phantasm said:


> Hi Yuri. While not an exact mirror of my childhood, I identified with many of the things you said and saw parallels with my life. I hope you find something useful on the site.


Thank you for making me feel welcome here.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

yuri said:


> Thank you for making me feel welcome here.


No problem. It can help to write it out.


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## Emptyflask (Jun 29, 2019)

Hello, welcome to the forums. 

Youve been through alot it seems. Im sorry to hear how troubled your childhood was. Mine wasnt as bad but i definently know where your coming from with parents who fought and/or drank. My dad drank so much, he eventually got heart and liver issues and died.

Sucks you felt you could never talk to anybody about what u were going through, having friends who understand you is such a blessing at times. Its just hard to find the right people sadly. You can always feel free to vent on here and theres many people who are open to pm's on here, including myself.


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