# i HAD depersonalization, and now I DON'T



## Daffodil11 (Sep 14, 2015)

Hi Everyone!

A few years ago, I remember a panic rushing through my body as I would read information online (forums and articles) about DP, feeling as though I would NEVER feel any different. I promised myself that if I ever did feel better, I'd post something to let others know it's possible. At my worst, I was certain I never would get better, but after what felt like a long journey, I am pretty good  (I don't want to say great, because I still get depressed sometimes-- who doesn't though?-- but the DP is gone). I've also learned A LOT of great things about myself. Anyways, I hope my experience can ease your mind a little bit. When you read information about DP online, I feel like basically what you are told is there is no "cure". It's also a horrible feeling to read about other people who have felt depersonalized for 10 years, etc etc. Anyways here is my story/journey of "recovery"...

Basically my DP was set off from smoking weed. The first time it happened it scared the shit out of me, but it went away. Then one day, I took a bite of my friends pot brownie (I was craving chocolate), and even though it was just a bite, it was enough to make me feel chronically depersonalized long after the high should have been gone. At the time this happened, I was already in a rough place mentally- my parents went through a stressful/traumatizing divorce & my boyfriend who I loved very much broke up with me. I felt emotionally numb most of the time, and sometimes sad. After eating the brownie, I couldn't believe that I still felt "high". I was devastated to feel like that. It felt like nothing was real or mattered. And the feelings of wonder/slight, but manageable panic I used to get when thinking about things such as death, existence and consciousness turned into obsessive, all consuming worry. It sucked. I couldn't understand how I could go from having normal perception to thinking strangely and feeling in a dream-like state. Time would either go by really fast or really slowly. And then I'd get really sad because I felt like my life was withering and disintegrating away and there was nothing I could do about it. I would sit for a long time on the computer and the possibility of coming across a cure would make me feel a little bit better but in the end I would just feel worse.

One night I decided to go for a jog, thinking that would make me feel better. It didn't. I was so devastated that I started crying. My aunt asked me what was wrong and I confessed to her the way I had been feeling and told her all about DP. She encouraged me to go to therapy, but I was scared to. I was scared to try things and have them not work for me. Then that would confirm to me what I thought I knew-- that I was really, truly, un-fixably "broken". But the next day, something in me decided to call a couple therapists and see what would come of it. I called about 5 people I found online and made an appointment with the first lady who called me back. (little did I know how much I lucked out). She told me that she specialized in EMDR therapy (PLEASE UP EMDR- I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.) I told her I didn't want anything but regular, plain old therapy (everything else freaked me out at the time for whatever reason.) Anyways, during my first appointment, I just cried. Which is weird because I thought I was very numb, but something about being around a kind and compassionate person made me pretty emotional. She asked if I could hold these little vibrating things in my hands while I talked and since I took a liking to her instantly, I agreed. They weren't anything freaky, but when I had DP everything freaked me out, lol. Anyways, after a couple months of sessions with her, the DP felt noticeably less intense. Which is almost impossible to comprehend for some of you, I'm sure, because there is this feeling that you'll never feel any different. But I did. This made me feel hopeful, because I hadn't expected therapy to help at all. Which meant that it wasn't just mind over matter for me. I liked that therapist a lot and I would actually keep seeing her if I could, but she moved out of state a few months ago. If you choose to see a therapist, I recommend an EMDR therapist. Also, make absolute sure to trust our instincts with a therapist-- if he or she doesn't feel right, find another one. I don't recommend talk therapy so much, though I'm sure it's not harmful. (read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk or "In an Unspoken Voice" by Peter Levine to understand more of why. You can find these books on amazon.com I think.)

So EMDR helped a great deal, and it is what I needed for a solid foundation. But the finishing touched for me were Somatic Experiencing body awareness/touch therapy, seeing a Natropathic doctor & reiki. (Reiki feels so good, go out and find a practitioner today if you can  ) I also tried Neurofeedback also when I had some extra money, which was great, but also added up quickly. Go for it if you can afford it though!

A couple other things that help:

- laughing (stop "researching" things online and go watch SNL or Modern Family or whatever you like. This is good for your brain! And right now, even if you don't realize it, your brain is super overwhelmed! You won't notice it until you start to feel better. But I promise you, you will be amazed that you PHYSICALLY got through this time of your life once you are on the other side.)

-going for light strolls. Intense exercise can make DP worse because it raises cortisol, but you need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

-stop eating sugar and caffeine if you can. Eat healthy. Be kind to yourself.

-see a Natropath. The one I saw knew what "disociation" was without me having to explain it to her. Most western medicine doctors probably won't. Have her do your blood work, measure your enzymes, etc etc. Your body is out of balance and it misses being in balance 

-read the books or books similar to the ones I recommended above.

-do BODY SCAN meditations. The other kinds are too spacey, if that makes sense. You need to be brought back IN to your body, not out of your mind 

And remember, a balanced body and mind means you feel healthy, calm, light-hearted & safe. DP is a SYMPTOM. It is not your permanent state of mind. You are probably a highly sensitive person (yes, even when you feel numb. People who are numbed out are probably the most sensitive of them all), which means physically and mental distress of any kind is going to express itself whether you like it or not. This also means you have the gift of feeling more deeply than most. Your darkness may be extra dark, but your brightness is extra bright. It just takes a little bit to get there something.

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." <3


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## Daffodil11 (Sep 14, 2015)

One more thing I forgot to add is my experience with caffeine. Some other people might feel this way too... when I drank coffee my DP would get way way more intense. BUT after awhile, it would go back to my baseline DP. That shows how it is a symptom of something, not a permanent state. So even though after drinking coffee, I felt worse, it showed me that it is possible to go from one bad state (directly after drinking the coffee) to a less bad state (as I came down from the coffee.)..

Driving in my car also made it worse. But when I got out of my car, I'd feel a little bit better. Even though while driving I would think that I'd never feel differntlly, I did.

Try to think of something that makes your DP more intense, but once you remove yourself from the situation the DP doesn't feel as intense anymore.. Use this to remind yourself that it isn't a fixed state.


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## Cody27 (Jun 4, 2015)

Add me on Facebook please I need you in my life lol Cody Toomey , everything you said rang true sounds like you no what your talking about !


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## Abyss2015 (Dec 17, 2015)

Daffodil11 said:


> Hi Everyone!
> 
> A few years ago, I remember a panic rushing through my body as I would read information online (forums and articles) about DP, feeling as though I would NEVER feel any different. I promised myself that if I ever did feel better, I'd post something to let others know it's possible. At my worst, I was certain I never would get better, but after what felt like a long journey, I am pretty good  (I don't want to say great, because I still get depressed sometimes-- who doesn't though?-- but the DP is gone). I've also learned A LOT of great things about myself. Anyways, I hope my experience can ease your mind a little bit. When you read information about DP online, I feel like basically what you are told is there is no "cure". It's also a horrible feeling to read about other people who have felt depersonalized for 10 years, etc etc. Anyways here is my story/journey of "recovery"...
> 
> ...


How long did it take you to fully recover?

Also did you have feelings that lights were too bright when you had DP/DR? If so did that go away completely also?


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## adm07 (Oct 31, 2014)

Abyss2015 said:


> How long did it take you to fully recover?
> 
> Also did you have feelings that lights were too bright when you had DP/DR? If so did that go away completely also?


I can only speak for myself, but yes, I felt very sensitive to lights when I first got DP (I am now cured).

I sued to also feel worse when driving but as soon as I arrived to my destination, I felt noticeably better!


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