# I actually feel like I'm having a breakdown



## Feral

I don't know what to say. I think I'm in the worst mental state I've ever been in right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to snap. I'm not exaggerating. I feel like this is the end for me and there's just nothing I can do. There's nobody I can talk to about this and I just feel utterly, completely, totally helpless and alone. I just want this horrible life to end. I want it to be gone. I wish I could either be sectioned and sedated or I wish I could die. They are the only two routes I can see out of this.

I'm literally on the edge here. If I had a gun I'd shoot myself.

As it stands I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor as soon as possible. I can't live this way much longer.


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## jamesr

Feral said:


> I don't know what to say. I think I'm in the worst mental state I've ever been in right now. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to snap. I'm not exaggerating. I feel like this is the end for me and there's just nothing I can do. There's nobody I can talk to about this and I just feel utterly, completely, totally helpless and alone. I just want this horrible life to end. I want it to be gone. I wish I could either be sectioned and sedated or I wish I could die. They are the only two routes I can see out of this.
> 
> I'm literally on the edge here. If I had a gun I'd shoot myself.
> 
> As it stands I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor as soon as possible. I can't live this way much longer.


Hey man In all seriousness I feel the Same way. Sometime if bareable but there are times where it's intolerable. So tell me your symptoms and what you feel.


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## Feral

jamesr said:


> Hey man In all seriousness I feel the Same way. Sometime if bareable but there are times where it's intolerable. So tell me your symptoms and what you feel.


I'm a wreck. I'll have a go at listing my symptoms...this could take some time:

-Constantly feeling agitated and restless

-DR(obviously)- everything feels unreal

-Emotional numbness- I rarely feel happy or sad. I'd rather feel depressed than nothing at all. Had a bit of a cry before, but that's gotta be the first time I've cried in months. And it's not like I don't want to cry either. I WISH I could cry just to make me feel a bit better.

-Incessant thinking- I can't stop it. There is no point in my day where my mind is quiet. It's just a never ending flurry of thoughts. If there's nothing to think about, I'll make something to think about.

-Fear of going insane- This is the thing that really gets me. I've had it for years now and it's really making my life a misery. I just don't know what to do about it.

-Visual disturbances- I get a lot of these. Visual snow, tracers, after-images. Tons of them. I hate it.

-I don't know if this is psychosomatic or not because of my fear of going insane, but I think I might have started to hear voices. They're not voices per se, I don't physically hear them. They're just little random fragments of sentences which will pop up in my mind, as if I'm remembering something somebody said. They don't seem to bother me when my mind is occupied, only when I'm sat doing nothing. I'm frantically trying to downplay it as a product of an over active mind but it's really freaking me out.

There are a lot more minor ones but they don't really trouble me too much. The ones above are the ones making me miserable.

I feel so trapped. I don't want to see my doctor because I don't want to be labelled "mad" and I don't want to be put on medication. But I fear if I don't, I'll just be making things worse for myself.









ANY input is very much appreciated.


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## Bosko

i feel the same, suiicidal, dont know what to do anymore, im terrified


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## Brokowski

Feral said:


> -I don't know if this is psychosomatic or not because of my fear of going insane, but I think I might have started to hear voices. They're not voices per se, I don't physically hear them. They're just little random fragments of sentences which will pop up in my mind, as if I'm remembering something somebody said. They don't seem to bother me when my mind is occupied, only when I'm sat doing nothing. I'm frantically trying to downplay it as a product of an over active mind but it's really freaking me out.


I don't want to make any guarantees because I'm speaking way out of my league, but the fact that you're so hyperaware of them and do not believe them to be the product of an unknown entity speaking to you makes it sound pretty psychosomatic. Actually, from that description it seems like you're describing some type of intrusive thought which is very common.


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## Feral

Hi again everyone, thanks for the replies.

Something happened to me today, and I can't adequately describe what it was. I was in a REALLY bad place the other night, and today something changed. I'm not entirely sure if it's for the better.

It feels like I've gone past some sort of anxiety threshold, and just broken something. This morning I went downstairs and started reading the newspaper, and everything was just so incredibly quiet. My worrying slowed down almost to a halt and for the first time in months my mind was silent. It seemed as if I lived today with no fears at all. I still felt DR'ed, quite confused and spaced out, but I wasn't scared of it. I went about the house, singing to myself occasionally. I played my guitar for a while. I even went outside and did a spot of sunbathing, which I haven't done in years.

It was nice, but at the same time it was so different from my usual thinking and emotional state that it made me quite nervous. It's hard to describe but I also feel emotionally "delicate", like I've just been injured and I'm waiting for it to heal.

I really don't know what to make of all this. It feels like my brain has hit the 'reset' button on my emotions.


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## Feral

Just another update.

Last night was awful. I felt as bad, if not worse than I did the other night. I felt so spaced out, and I think I had some of my few experiences of DP (as opposed to DR which I have most of the time). On top of this I felt a terrible aimlessness in my life and a horrible feeling of being trapped. I felt so low I just wanted to die. I felt like I was going crazy and the "voices" were back in full force. I can't get to the doctor's until tomorrow, and it all honesty I was ready to check myself into a hospital last night. If I'd had the means to get there on my own I would have done.

Now that I read it back, it sounds like a panic attack. But if it was, it would have had to be several hours long, and there weren't really any physical symptoms, only mental ones.

I feel very scared, very confused, and very alone. I need to feel better soon. I'm supposed to be going to uni in a month, and if that's taken away from me I don't know what I'll do.


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