# Recovering and dealing with loved ones



## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

Hi,

Its been a while since I've posted here. Possibly about a year ago now? I dont know. I havent been to this site in at least six months, namely because I was convinced that I had recovered.
Truth is, I hadn't, and am sure I haven't recovered yet. The way this has all unfolded for me is that with each stage of recovery, I hit another obstacle, another truth about myself or the world that I had completely forgotten about; another sensation or feeling I realized I was still was missing; or just a realization that some of my habits, behavior, characteristics were vestiges of dp that I had not dealt with.

Nonetheless, I am pretty optimistic now, because although I cannot say that I have completely recovered, I can sense what it feels like to completely recover, so I can place myself out of this hell and into normalcy when need be (but not all the time). So, for example, when driving around in a car, I can remember what it was like to drive in a car, and sorta force that on myself, and accept it. Its still disturbing, because my memories are all 3+ years old, and so trying to reconcile my perception of things then with my perception of things now - and then trying to take into account what may have altered my perception during those three years... nevermind, I'm sure you fellow dpers out there understand.
What is a definite sign of recovery, however, is that I am now conscious of the fact that people are actually talking to me -and that I exist in their world. Its cool, sorta, knowing that you are a detail in other people's lives. Obviously, when I'm being talked to, I try to keep reminding myself of that, and that usually leads into more rumination into what I should be doing, what kind of person I'm talking to.. but I'm sure, with time, I'll get over it all, and be able to just f'ing be myself again.

I did not take any meds; I took, uh, remeron (?) for a few weeks, before I quit it cold turkey - I couldn't stomach being on an anti-depressant. It depressed me. I also did not want to develop an addiction to anything. My dp developed over constant pot use, but I never had a panic attack or whatever; I dont even know when exactly I developed it, which is probably due to the fact that I was zonked out 24/7 during my first couple of university years.
I didn't even quit pot for good; I did for a few months here and there, but I still blaze now, and am not sure what kind of effect that's having on me, and I dont really want to discuss that either, because this is already abstract without throwing a recreational substance into the mix.

I worked out a lot, did a lot of exercise, and fell in love with someone that took a lot of interest into my condition.

Anyway. I came back here to give some insight into my recovery process. I remember back when I first self-diagnosed myself with dp after dropping out of law school and moving out of the states and back home, all I wanted was to recover, and i thought the world would be perfect again. I thought that with reality would come eternal and everlasting bliss. 
I had recovery in mind, and nothing else mattered.

Ok. Now let me explain something. You will recover, if you put your heart to it. I'm not sure how that will happen, and I'm not going to offer any advice, because I think each and everyone of us develop this shit for very distinct reasons. I wish you all would avoid meds, because you're bigger than that. 
But you will.

What matters is how you're going to feel when you recover. I was dp'ed for three years, and with my recovery, I find myself trying to remember what the hell happened in my life over those three years. Obviously, my first person memory is distorted or non-existent, and so I try and see myself in the third person (which is pretty difficulty when you can't relate to your own physical being) - and so i do that, and think of times when I was put in a situation where I know my dp dictated my actions. From the most trivial things - like avoiding saying hi to someone (or all that other avoidance behavior) - to the most meaningful things, like sending an e-mail to my law school telling them I'm dropping out, followed by an e-mail to my father asking him to come help me move back home. Imagine, a 21 year old, e-mailing daddy, asking for help.

Point is - you're going to think about these things a lot, and feel like shit. You're going to have a difficult time coming to terms with how you acted, and how you let yourself act that way, and you're going to feel sorry for yourself. Believe me, these thoughts almost led me to suicide. Still, you will get over these things, because you're going to get bored of thinking about them, and soon it will all be a distant memory, and nothing worth thinking about.

HOWEVER.
One thing that you will not get over - is how you let yourself treat others. The thoughts you had, the opportunities you missed, all that really personal shit - you will forgive yourself for.
But the way you treated others is something that you will have a much harder time dealing with. 
As much as you try to explain to someone what it feels like to have dp, they will not understand, and they will not ever get over how you might have treated them while you were away in some cloud wondering if you are ever going to be convinced that the hair on your arms is actually yours.

Remember, always, that as unreal as your world is - that the world you live in is real, and that the people around you are perceiving reality; and that nothing for them is going to change once you recover, as big of a moment as that is for you. DP makes you believe that everything revolves around you - and that everyone will understand, because they have to, because when you're in that fucking hell, you cant be held accountable for anything you did, because getting out of bed is a nightmare in itself, let alone seeing or interacting (gulp) with people.

I am just warning you of this, because it will come to play a big role in your life - post-recovery. When you recover, and are feeling all well, normal, straight-headed, coming to terms with how ur old self might have treated other people, or done things to them might present you with a lot of problems. You're not going to believe that you could have acted like that. 
I dont know. Its hard to describe the feelings I have about my particular situation. Its just very disconcerting. As much as you might want them to understand, they won't. In my case, I almost wanted the person in question to develop dp so that she could understand me. Obviously, she won't, and all I'm left with is this kind of regret that I can't even describe, because I know holding myself accountable for anything I did back then just doesnt make sense. I'm suffocating in guilt.

Ok, I went on and on.

Basically, to those of you recovering or set on recovering; appreciate the people in your life, as hard as it may be. Every step you take, everything you do that concerns them, think about it. Don't get lost in that cloud when your dealing with the people that serve as the inspiration to your recovery; they might not be there when you do recover.

Feel free to pm me.


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## Guest (Mar 26, 2009)

myneckhurts said:


> . I wish you all would avoid meds, because you're bigger than that.


Some peoples lives are saved by medication. Some people use medication to treat their underlying diagnosis such as bipolar and then find relief of the Dp.d. I'm not sure what you mean by being bigger than medication-people here are not weak if they choose to use meds to help them, just like a cancer patient isn't weak for accepting treatment. I'm not pro-meds at all, nor did I use them to recover, but for some people they are an absolute necessity.


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## myneckhurts (Oct 16, 2007)

Hey spirit,

I guess you're right. I was sorta referring to people that developed dp out of mere anxiety/pot problems. I did not want to deal with my anxiety (?) problems by taking meds. I preferred tackling them head on, even in extreme settings, like during a job interview, or anything else like that. Obviously, I would end up spacing out a lot, but I thought that I would learn more about myself by tackling these issues than I would if i took meds to quell it.

Obviously, if there's an underlying cause to your dp, then thats a different story. Sorry if I offended anyone, you're all great people.


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## Guest (Apr 2, 2009)

myneckhurts said:


> Hey spirit,
> 
> I guess you're right. I was sorta referring to people that developed dp out of mere anxiety/pot problems. I did not want to deal with my anxiety (?) problems by taking meds. I preferred tackling them head on, even in extreme settings, like during a job interview, or anything else like that. Obviously, I would end up spacing out a lot, but I thought that I would learn more about myself by tackling these issues than I would if i took meds to quell it.
> 
> Obviously, if there's an underlying cause to your dp, then thats a different story. Sorry if I offended anyone, you're all great people.


I think you did great to not use meds to deal with your anxiety. I didn't use meds to recover either despite the pressure from people to do so. A couple of yrs before recovery I took regular benzos and they gave me nothing really but a few nasty addictions, it wasn't until I stopped them and dealt with stuff that I started healing. I can admit though that in emergencies, I occasionally o take the odd valium, but it's only like once a month or less or something now but I do have an underlying diagnosis even though the Dp.d has gone.


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