# DP feels like a big F you



## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

I️ am at a place where I️ am so bitter and angry about having this condition. I️ lash out a lot and all normal people annoy me to no end. I️ get super jealous of their lives. DP seems like the ultimate F U. Like it makes me feel I️ am undeserving of life. That I️ did something to deserve this when I️ actually was the one whose life was threatened by a psychopath. He doesn’t care though, he has continued with life with no issue. It’s not fair. Meanwhile, you and I️ live in hell everyday dealing with this. How is one supposed to just stay positive? I️ feel so cheated out of life. How do you guys stay positive? I️ am so angry and hurt. I️ don’t understand why I️ deserve this? Or why anyone does? I️ get life isn’t fair but this seems a little drastic.


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## Thisisnotlife (Oct 20, 2017)

it seems im excact same than you.. i can just relate 100% what you are saying. 
Noone really seems to care. i feel this world has left me. nobody understands. i dont understand. always when i think im getting better it just changes single second and i dont understand whats happening. i dont even know what this is anymore. i only have thoughts about this and memories what i keep thinking again and again...i dont know what i should be doing. sometimes im calm and going walk and thinking that now im better but then it still is not. it still is not life. its still bad but its just more calm. empty. i can live like this emptiness or i can try to do something and then feel pain and frustrated not knowing what i should do. it seems that im always doing something. with my mind. and i cant just stop it. its like im torturing myself and i feel something is doing it to me. i feel that something is just pushing me live this life even when i dont want. its so frustrating


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## Thisisnotlife (Oct 20, 2017)

it feels that i have given up. because everyone should be choosing their reality but it feels so complicated. i always feel that i gonna just die soon.


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## nicewon (Aug 10, 2017)

I always wonder how many years this has taken off my life my heart palpitates daily


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

nicewon said:


> I always wonder how many years this has taken off my life my heart palpitates daily


I think about that all the time but in the sense I️ think about all the opportunities I have missed. All the people maybe even my husband I could of met. I mean this thing has taken everything!!!!


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## Thisisnotlife (Oct 20, 2017)

im like state of panic all the time. it feels like im ready to fight. im afraid all the time. confused. im always feeling like im going somewhere and waiting something. its like im waiting dead to happen


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> Most of the time I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something, but I don't know what. I feel like I'm always waiting for something as well, but again I don't know what.


Same. But yet here i am in bed on a Wednesday morning when the rest of the world is working. I feel like the ultimate POS.


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## sekhmet (Jan 24, 2011)

You have an illness CoffeeGirl9... if you don't feel up to working, then that's just how it is. It's not your fault, and it's definitely counterproductive beating yourself up about it.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

DP is the ultimate fuck you. I still can't believe I'm forced to spend all day every day bumbling around in a foggy hell, unable to properly partake in life or enjoy anything. Life has become an endurance test and I simply don't want this for another 50 years. Lately I've been feeling so out of it, totally drunk, drugged and delirious. And yet there's no treatment, no support, no understanding from people. The sheer lack of recognition of this as a condition is by far the worst part. I was so bad the other night, and my girlfriend said "let's take you to the hospital." I said no. Because what am I going to say? My head feels like it's somewhere on Pluto, I can barely stand up, and I feel totally batshit crazy? DP always reminded me of Chinese water torture - it's a kind of slow, horrible torment, but at least torture ends at some point. DP not so much.


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## seb029 (Aug 28, 2013)

This last sunday, my twin brother almost killed himself, driving drunk as shit. It was not the first time that he did that but this was his personal record, the car is wrecked, and he was drunk like never seen before.

I told this story because i was thinking to myself that day that if he was killed in that accident, that was also the end of me. I would never have survived this loss. But luckily enough, he was just under the shock and with hematomas on his arms and legs but no bones broken or worse.

What i'm trying to say is this incident has allowed me to put things in perspective (no shit...) and i realised that i was blaming myself too much, thinking everyday that i was stucked in the twilight zone blablabla while not figuring that life can be impredictable, in the good like the worst way possible. The DP causes us to live in a bubble and we can fall easily into a mental trap that can worsened our state, mentally, emotionaly.

We have to pull ourselves from it at all costs and be more 'fuck it, i'll relax and will try to enjoy things" kind of way. Thinking more simply, living without thinking of tomorrow.

Way easier said than done but i think this is a good start for feeling better.

I hope that my post is understandable, i'm sorry if it's not too clear...i try to put words on things that i think but my brain is kind of foggy. (you don't say ?!).

If it's not sastisfying for you, read the posts from Eddy in the 'feels like i've changed into a new person' topic, i think he made interesting posts.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Autonomic Space Monkey said:


> I haven't been able to work for most of my adult life, I reckon I got you beat in the ultimate POS chart!  Seriously though, like sekhmet said we're ill, so even though we feel like scumbags at times, we're really not.
> 
> Also, I noticed that you added a profile picture. Two questions; is that you? And if so, was that taken before you got DP? The reason that I ask is it looks like you're happy in that pic, & I was wondering if it was real happiness or a fake it until you make it smile. I'm betting it's the former!


I didn't actually add that picture. I have no idea how it chose to do that but how do I have it removed? I do not want my picture up. That is me and that was taken recently in Greece yes. Couldn't tell you if it was real. I have no idea what is real anymore. Or who I am.


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I didn't actually add that picture. I have no idea how it chose to do that but how do I have it removed? I do not want my picture up. That is me and that was taken recently in Greece yes. Couldn't tell you if it was real. I have no idea what is real anymore. Or who I am.


I noticed that you wanted your picture removed, so there you go


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> I noticed that you wanted your picture removed, so there you go


Thank you!


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## ThoughtOnFire (Feb 10, 2015)

You're welcome!

And yeah this thread is spot on. It's complete bullshit to have to suffer through this! Feels like life was just beginning for me, and then a week later I become dissociated. And have been since 2003!


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

CoffeeGirl9 said:


> I didn't actually add that picture. I have no idea how it chose to do that but how do I have it removed? I do not want my picture up. That is me and that was taken recently in Greece yes. Couldn't tell you if it was real. I have no idea what is real anymore. Or who I am.


I have this badly too relating to pictures.

Logically, I know I am me, but only by way of reasoning - the same way I know today is Friday, for instance. But it's not something that resonates with me - there's no real recognition of the person in this photo. I know that my mind could interpret it to be anyone, with a little mental conditioning on my part.

Do others have this as badly? I am having real problems relating to way I appear to myself. The total emptiness or void when I look in the mirror. The lack of wholeness that I feel. It's terrifying. I don't know how my body is able to function independently of my mind because my mind feels like it is on a permanent vacation.


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## CoffeeGirl9 (Oct 4, 2009)

Chicane said:


> I have this badly too relating to pictures.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes. I have it exactly the same. I have no real connection to the person in the photo graph but logically or cognitively I know it's me or the person formerly who was me. I put on an act every single day. Today has been ridiculously rough. I did shower though, something I seemingly forget to do with dp sometimes. It's truly like I am not conscious.


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

Me to the disconnecting feeling i have while looking at myself is scary as hell 
That void about who iam is do deep , I feel like I have completely lost myself. 
When i spot my refection i for a spilt second belive its another person . Now that's scary


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

Chicane i know what you mean when you wrote " that lack off wholeness " bad bad bad feeling


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