# living with someone with depersonalization



## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

Hi, my husband suffers from depersonalization and doesn't talk much about it. We just recently had a baby and I feel like he has no feelings for her. I moved out to get more support elsewhere and he doesn't seem to care to see his little girl. Is this part of the disease? He doesn't think he is in love with me anymore do I believe that or could it just be part of his disorder? Help, I don't know what to do and how to help? I love him dearly and would do anything to help but it hasn't been easy living with this. Im wondering if I am part of why he feels this way?


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

First of all - do not blame yourself for anything. You sound like you are a caring and understand person and you are not at fault for anything.

Second of all - DP/DR may be partially to blame, but that does not mean it is an excuse. DP/DR is not a personality disorder. Sometimes it makes it very difficult to feel normal emotions like love, etc. But that is not an excuse for not caring about your daughter. Plenty of people on here have children that they have days where they barely even feel like they know them, but they know their responsibilities as parents and they fulfill them. This isn't to say your husband is scum either. There are days where I have been a horrible boyfriend because of my DP, anxiety, etc. But he still has to take responsibility for his actions. When he feels a bit better he needs to say "I am sorry I acted like that, my DP was out of control and I know it was out of line".

Being with him will likely require more patience than a regular relationship - but even with DP/DR he needs to step up to the plate and do his best. It may not be as much as he would do when he was fully fine - but you need to see him making an effort.

That is just my two cents as a sufferer.


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

Thanks Matt,

What can I do to help him? I feel extremely sad and helpless. I don't think he can express his feelings. I don't know if I cause him to be worse or not. I have been gone for 2 months and he has only seen his daughter a few times and mostly cause I make him. I told him I would never give up on him but it's extremely difficult. Does depersonalization cause you to seem uncaring or unloving especially with family? He seems fine with his friends and with strangers. He spends alot of time with his parents and I feel they cause lots of negativity and don't seem to take time to see that he has a problem. I just need help in understanding. Do I just give him time? Im thinking about seperating from him because I have a daughter who needs me to take care of her but I find myself still putting him first. Im so confused....


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

He also didn't want to have kids and I feel he did it to make me and everyone else happy and he felt he had no other options but to try to make it work. In the meantime, he has done little to no effort to be affectionate with me.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

My opinion is that while DP/DR can cause him to seem unloving towards you - it can not be seen as an excuse for it. My point is - his DP/DR may make him unaffectionate, but it does not make him incapable of seeing that he is unaffectionate or that he should apologize for it.

If he is being genuinely uninterested in the two of you, then you might be better off leaving him. You should sit down and talk to him - ask him to tell you the truth about how he feels about you and his own daughter. Ask him what he's going through and to be truthful, and explain how much he is hurting you.

There isn't often much anyone can do for someone with DP/DR other than be supportive. But as I said - sometimes DP/DR will interfere with his ability to be good to you and your daughter. It is when it becomes an excuse or it becomes entirely acceptable to him that it becomes a problem.


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## Guest (Mar 30, 2009)

Dp.d can make the sufferer numb to the people around them including their own children unfortunately, but Matt is right, you deserve better than to be treated that way and your daughter deserves a dad who will be there for her. Fair enough maybe your partner didn't want or wasn't ready for a baby but he willingly participated in creating a life and needs to take some responsibility for that in one way or another.

But to be fair, maybe right now responsibility and peoples expectations scare him to death, it's very hard to make any decisions or know what you want when you feel very Dp'd and any added pressure makes it worse-but understandably you wish and have a right to know where you stand.In my opinion he could drag it out forever and not make a choice, maybe he needs you to give him a few firm options to wake him up a little. If he has only seen your daughter a few times then there possibly isn't that much of a bond there yet which would make the detachment more complicated, you need to ask him what he wants, if he wants to be a dad or not and demand an answer even if he says he isn't sure...it sounds like the communication between the two of you has broken down.

Speaking from personal experience, I have three children, when I had Dp.d I felt completely numb to them and I felt extremely guilty for that even though I couldn't help it, it hurt me to be near anyone I loved dearly including my kids because I was numb and they felt so distant to me. Is it possible your husband could feel the same way? I hope he works it out because one day he is gonna have so many regrets about not being a dad or not being there for you, right now with Dp.d he probably doesn't really know what he wants, but his cooperation in finding out where you go from here and communication is something you are entitled too.

I guess you have two choices- You can support him and give him more time by letting him know that there is no extra pressure or expectation at this time, but make it clear that you won't wait forever for him to sort himself out because you have a life and daughter to think about and that whatever happens he has responsibilities whether he chooses to accept then right now or in the future. Or you can leave him and live your own life with your daughter who is the most important person in the situation, right? I really feel for you and your circumstances, I really do, you need to think about your own welfare and needs too not just worry about your partner. And no, none of it is your fault, you haven't made him this way.

Whatever happens, whatever you decide, I truly hopes this works out for you.


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

Thanks Spirit.
I want to help him and don't want to leave him especially if it's because of his dp. I married him for sickness and health. My heart hurts and I wish I was more understanding in the past. He just didn't talk about it so I don't know how often his dp affected him. I just want him to be happy, and left wondering if he's with someone else, will it help his dp or is this something he is going to feel forever.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

i would be careful about making him choose firm decisions right now. i know that if i had to make a clear decision like that on the spot, i would probably start ignoring the person (not on purpose, just the dissociating factor) and pushing them out of my life until they stopped pressuring me. however, my heart goes out to you that you have to have somebody in your life that appears to be numb to mostly everything, even your child. that's fucking brutal. i'm sorry. if they really do care, those feelings are still in there somewhere. but the pressures that he may put on himself or other people will only make it harder. it's a tricky situation. one i'm still having a hard time expressing and explaining to the people in my life.


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

Are all of you in a relationship? If so, how are they coping with this? What do they do to help the situation. I just need to understand more about it.


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

What is your relationship with your parents? Do you feel like no matter what you do it's never good enough or they are never proud of you? Are your parents supportive and understanding of dp?


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

i've been in relationships in the past where the people i was with were really supportive even though they didn't understand a lot of times what i was going through. they mostly worked at distracting me from the problem and if it was something i couldn't distract myself from, they would get really worried and want to hold me close and i would push them away...it felt like i was being strangled to death. even with best friends it is hard and sometimes it can rip two people apart in record timing. it felt like everybody was suffocating me. if you don't know about it already, i would do some more research to better understand what is going on in his head. in the end, sometimes it appears to be just as hard for the people surrounding you as it is for the sufferer. the number one thing to remember: some of this isn't him. it's the disorder. but he should still take responsibility as a human being. he's not crazy and incapable. it just feels that way a lot of times. ahh...sorry for the scattered thoughts. i am just waking up.


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## Guest (Mar 30, 2009)

The person I was with at the time thought I was schizophrenic and wasn't one bit interested in learning about Dp.d, he walked out on me which I'm glad about now as he was total jerk and an abusive bully anyway, your partner is very lucky to have you.

I remember feeling extremely guilty and like I was hurting everyone around me which only makes the dissociation worse, all the pressure and expectation made it impossible to think clearly, it froze me. I suspect your partner may feel the same.



princess said:


> What is your relationship with your parents? Do you feel like no matter what you do it's never good enough or they are never proud of you? Are your parents supportive and understanding of dp?


My relationship with my parents was always bad, they're abusers in various different ways, I accept it will always be bad now and although I have forgiven them along time ago and see that they're just messed up I finally allow myself to hate them without feeling guilty for it. I don't care that I can never live up to up to their *Unrealistic expectations* because in reality NOBODY can-it took me a while to realise that. I am happy with myself now in who I am and that's what matters. Was you asking that question in relation to your partners parents? If so it could be their expectations of him that have effected him, so any kind of pressure or expectation would in his situation likely terrify him. He may also fear you abandoning him so he walks away first.

Let him know you love him no matter what, like you said through sickness and health, that you'll always be there for him. You could also take some pressure off by just letting him know that you just want to help him whether or not the relationship continues, you'll still be there for him as his friend, that way he has some head space to think about it without the pressure of having to be who people want or having to do what people expect-because the expectation may have frozen him up inside. Patience is key.

How long has your husband had Dp.d for? Was he very happy and loving before the Dp.d? Hope you don't mind the questions.


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

Hi, thanks spirit, that's kind of how I have been feeling these last few days. We do have a daughter and if Im too late with trying to understand then at least Im doing it to better our relationship for my daughter's sake. I think he has had dp for a long time, maybe before we got married, I know that he loves me but not sure if he's still in love with me. It wasn't up to the last few days that I even thought he was human. I spent the last few days looking and reading most of the posts and forums here and my heart just hurts so much that he was going thru this alone. I just thought that he was better. I really feel for everyone dealing with this. I can't even imagine feeling like that and how hard it is to cope with it. I know he needs to keep positive and busy, and I have not been happy so my negativity doesn't help. I know he keeps telling me to be happy for myself and not count on him to make me feel that way and now I understand why.
Im very proud of him and his accomplishments and tell him that alot. How hard is it to talk to a person with dp about dp? When you talk about it does it help or make it worse? I want to do whatever it takes. 
I told him I would never give up on him. It's just these last few days that I finally had a lightbulb go off in my head and that it could just be his dp and now have been willing to learn more about it.


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## Guest (Apr 4, 2009)

I would say it's part of the disease, i push everyone away from me, parents love their kids uncoditionally, he loves your kid he just doesn't know how to show it. I can't show love to people anymore and none of my friends or family understand what i'm going through, don't be firm about it, but talk to him, see what he has to say, you may be surprised.


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## dppartner (May 27, 2009)

As someone who has been in a long-term relationship with someone with DP, this story breaks my heart. We actually haven't been able to make it past this disease to get married after almost 10 years together. I am beginning to think kids aren't in the cards for us, even though he says he wants them. I worry about having to deal with them myself if he shuts down on me, about them not knowing their father and even worse about this disease being passed on to them.

I can't tell you how to deal with your situation but I will say that my life is a delicate balance between knowing when he needs my help and knowing when he needs his space. Sometimes I don't think he even knows.

It sounds like both of you might be able to benefit from some counseling together or individually. But if he's not willing to go there, you also can't make him.

I wish you and your daughter only the best.


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## princess (Mar 29, 2009)

Well, it's pretty much over. He seems much happier without us in his life. I think it goes beyond his depersonalization. Im hoping in time that he will be more involved in our daughters life. Right now, he's ok with seeing her once in awhile.


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## dreamingoflife (Oct 22, 2006)

> princess wrote:
> Well, it's pretty much over. He seems much happier without us in his life.


Wow, I feel so bad for you and he should have thanked his lucky stars having someone in his life that was actually willing to learn about his disorder and wanted to stick it out and make it work. There are so many in people in this world that would drop a person like a bad habit the minute they got anything mentally or physically wrong with them.

The reason I quoted what you said above is because odds are if he is much happier without you 2 then it might not have been the dp making him act this way entirely, unless the responsibility of having a child is what triggered the dp in the first place and not having that much weighing on his shoulders and now being gone or at least not there in his face everyday when he wakes up might have helped the dp lessen or go away. Some people just crack under pressure and cant deal with certain things. Having said all of this that doesn't give him the right to treat his own flesh and blood that way. He will one day realize how big a mistake he has made by shutting you and your daughter out because when I first got dp which was 2 weeks after my daughter was born it took all the happiness I had and excitement of having this new life that I waited 9 months to meet completely away. I also developed postpartum depression along with dp which honestly i think triggered the dp in the first place but it still bothers me that for the first 4 months she was on this earth I didn't want a thing to do with her but being her mother I still took care of her to the best of my abilities because if a child doesn't have their mom and dad then they have no one. I wish you good luck and I hope things work out for you and your child.


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## Noodles (Jun 22, 2009)

I personaly cant judge. Im sorry to read your side of it. I had a family once as well. Sadly I needed to be on my own. I needed space to try and find out who I was and what I wanted. It hurt them but I felt like I was hurtin them anyways being how I was. It took time. We arent a family now but we are okay and I love my babes to the bones. Our problems usually do go beyond depersonalizion. You didnt fail. We are just complicated people. You cant change others. I wish you well. Peace out.


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