# What recovery has looked like for me so far...



## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

Hey guys! appleseed here...

So I just wanted to outline for those who are curious what recovery has looked like for someone so far.

I'm using this thread as more like a diary tracking what has helped and such!

Recovery is a journey, it will NOT happen in a flash. I guess I was only maybe 80% recovered when I first posted here, I was just so excited about not feeling DP for once, that I thought I must be fully recovered. It's been two months since I had that bit of normalcy, it was like I was fully cured but then the next day DP came back again and I felt like I did with the thoughts and anxious behaviours.

You realize more than EVER when you're recovering how this really is just anxiety. Just hearing it is one thing, but feeling it and knowing is another and it's the most comforting thing I've ever experienced.

Everyday it's maintaining DP and not letting it get out of hand. But it gets easier and easier.

Just try something right now: What if you weren't worried about yourself? Just take a moment and consider what if you weren't worried about your thoughts, your heart rate, your existence.

Because in reality NO one worries about this constantly, if they did they wouldn't get anything done. And there was a time when you weren't this worried remember?

Try and release worry, that's a massive part of DP, it's what keeps the cyclical nature of it. It's mighty mighty hard, I was always a worried kid too but there is a time and a place for it, and if it's causing you dysfunction it's time to put it in its place.

You could imagine worry as going around and around, in DP worry is like X10 the thoughts but there's a smaller more narrow tunnel for them to go threw. Just picture them going throw a more medium sized tunnel but in a more flowing manner, there's no major collisions just a flowing thought process. Like a stream I guess.

Anyways hope this helps

I'll be posting more recovery updates


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## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

appleseed24 said:


> Hey guys! appleseed here...
> 
> So I just wanted to outline for those who are curious what recovery has looked like for someone so far.
> 
> ...


Did/Are you also experiencing thoughts on why we are here, about existence, about the purpose of life, debating if other people are real or this is just the matrix and so on??

Just trying to see if I have what you have so that I can learn from you and hopefully help myself :/



SolomonOrlando said:


> Great post, I would love to hear more about your recovery.
> 
> It's true - depersonalization/derealization are all just based from anxiety, stress and other emotional things. I think more people need to understand this - sometimes people make it out to be something more than it actually is when, most of the time, it's nothing more than a bit of worry.


I would say ALOT of worry but yea.


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

Spadde said:


> Did/Are you also experiencing thoughts on why we are here, about existence, about the purpose of life, debating if other people are real or this is just the matrix and so on??
> 
> Just trying to see if I have what you have so that I can learn from you and hopefully help myself :/
> 
> I would say ALOT of worry but yea.


Yes my goodness, I'm still recovering so I still have those thoughts but they don't freak me out as much as they used to. The difference is they're not CONSUMING my life, those kind of thoughts are just as valid as, "what am I going to eat for dinner today," they're on the same level. It's all because were reacting to these thoughts with fear and worry so it makes them more important and scary than they really are. Such is the cyclical nature of anxiety and worry.


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## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

appleseed24 said:


> Yes my goodness, I'm still recovering so I still have those thoughts but they don't freak me out as much as they used to. The difference is they're not CONSUMING my life, those kind of thoughts are just as valid as, "what am I going to eat for dinner today," they're on the same level. It's all because were reacting to these thoughts with fear and worry so it makes them more important and scary than they really are. Such is the cyclical nature of anxiety and worry.


Im glad that Im not alone then, thanks for putting some hope in my life


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

I just found a really helpful video that illustrates a good way you can view your DP (by Lucinda Bassett):






For me, I realized I was avoiding facing my life as a "starving artist" in a big city, because it's freakin scary and even though I've had a few successes, I'm still major terrified! I just really don't want to fail. So instead I focused my attention on something else which manifested as DP. I also was in charge of a fairly large production before the DP hit, and I was afraid I would lose friends and things would change now that I was in charge of something (so INFP, if you k now MBTI). But now that I've admitted my fear and it can integrate naturally into my life.

Think about what you aren't acknowledging, what is bothering you, if you acknowledge it, it won't necessarily go away but you will be turning your attention to something that you can work on instead of worrying about DP. Just start with one thing, you don't have to do everything at once.

Keep breathing too! 

- appleseed


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

Something that has been helping me is just letting loose. DP will cause you to have hyper body awareness, but despite that: can you feel how TENSE you really are? Even if you don't feel anxiety like you used to, guess what it's still there. DP is an anxiety disorder after all.

I was on the computer yesterday and my body was like frozen solid, I forgot how to relax because anxiety (dp) had become my norm. It's supposed to be the other way around, anxiety is just there to help you or warn you of danger it shouldn't be a constant state. That being said, it IS a constant state for people with DP...so how do you deal with THIS high degree of anxiety?

So how to begin relaxing? You could try breathing, relaxing one body part at a time.

I found because any internal activity caused me personally to have more DP and more anxiety. So to release some anxious energy I'd try external activity.

This may seem silly at first, but I learned this technique when I took a dance improvisation course. Where they taught you to listen to your body, use your instincts and act accordingly.

Go in an empty-ish room, enough space to move. And just express your anxiety (channel) into movement, yelling, punching a pillow. Anything to get out of the restrictive behaviour DP causes you. If anxiety is occurring let it occur, if you feel yourself getting tense notice how your face WANTS to move, how your arms or hands want to move. What expressions you WANT to make. Even though this "you" may not seem like your usual authentic self, just express how you are at the moment.

This is the same therapy you see a when a patient is screaming or punching a pillow in a counsellor's office.


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

A quote I found about worrying:

Ninety-five % of worries never come true. And the remaining 5%? People tend to cope much better than they had anticipated. Fears and anxieties are NOT cognitive puzzles to solve. So give the hamster in your mind a break from the wheel and focus on something else.


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## meow (Nov 2, 2013)

Yeah, for me I definitely don't feel as much anxiety, but there is SO much tension! I swear I have to lower my shoulders every 2 minutes because somehow they keep getting really tense and up by my ears lol. Working on relaxing more is definitely something that I would like to work on more!


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

Important realization I've had and have been experiencing about DP!...

I am in the middle of recovering (I haven't recovered yet) but while DP is clearing away it's allowing me to SEE it in a more logical light.

The feeling of anxiety comes FIRST...the thoughts are a byproduct OF the anxiety, the obsessive thoughts are a result of your anxious FEELING. PLEASE understand this...none of those outlandish existential thoughts are valid it is because you are feeling a type of anxiety that you've never felt before. I used to feel anxiety in my chest it would get tight or my stomach would hurt. This is a more extreme form you're experiencing.

What's going on when you are DP'ing is a lot of suppression...suppression of the feeling of FEAR/ANXIETY...THUS creating SCARIER thoughts and perception than normal. This continues to cycle and cycle and with the help of worry and obsession.

SUPPRESSING anxiety is making your perception of reality scarier than it actually is. Your mind is just a little more jumpy than it usually is but really your extreme feeling of anxiety isn't giving your mind a chance to step back, take a breath and realize everything is the same as it ever was and to merrily go about your life.

The main thing is to STOP what is making your DP persist. WORRY, here is a quote I found to help me drop the worry:

Ninety-five % of worries never come true. And the remaining 5%? People tend to cope much better than they had anticipated. Fears and anxieties are NOT cognitive puzzles to solve. So give the hamster in your mind a break from the wheel and focus on something else.

Don't worry about how your perception of reality is looking don't worry about your thoughts. Instead think: Hmm..what if I stopped worrying about myself. Hmm... I don't remember worrying about myself this much before. What if I was one of those people who don't worry so much. Hmm, interesting. And just see what happens.

I realized the reason why I had obsessive thoughts and worry was because I couldn't feel my emotions (being a very emotional person). My mind didn't have any direction in my life so it chose meaningless things to obsess over. Well with DP your emotions are often not there for you to feel which sucks, but if you tackle you worrying about yourself that will free up a lot so you can potentially start feeling your authentic emotions again...your emotions will start making more sense because your mind won't be taking centre stage all of the time.

You can sort of see how it's all connected in one cycle that is manifesting itself as a disorder, and rightly so...it's disorderly! But you can put things back in ORDER.

After you're able to feel some kind of emotion-

You have to stop suppressing your anxiety. Let it out, and you know how I know when I'm feeling anxious? When I'm getting DP thoughts. (I have to say though I currently am in recovery mode so my DP is very mild but because it's mild it's easier to see the workings of it). This is the process that happens: have a weird thought (usual reaction: what is that? why am I thinking that? omg i'm going crazy, omg I have a mental disorder.) etc. Ok Instead of focussing on the thoughts.....notice how you're feeling, most likely you're feeling anxious. There's no need to focus on the feeling, allow yourself to feel that feeling, you could be feeling numb, tingling, anxiety all over your body, you be feeling light headed, a pit in your stomach, just feel the anxiety and let it express itself through your body. Realize that you've been feeling anxiety this whole time, and it has been the cause of your DP thoughts.

DP is not as complex as it seems, it is the result of a feeling (anxiety) you don't realize you're feeling. But if you're patient with yourself you can teach yourself to feel your anxiety, use it to your advantage, and channel it into your life! It's all about allowing yourself to feel, and trust me! It's way less scary to feel anxiety than what DP is serving up.

I'm still learning how to deal with this disorder but it's getting easier and more clear everyday!


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

If you met someone else with DP/Depression, would you judge them? What kind of compassion would you show them? You deserve that compassion too, give that to yourself.


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

Just under an HOUR of feeling fully recovered today! Feelin' good! 

An exercise I'm implementing in order to help break threw that imaginary wall that is around me:

What is more important: DP? Or the task you are doing at this moment. Ask yourself that question throughout your day, it may help you focus!


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## Spadde (Oct 29, 2013)

How does itt feel when it hits you that you feel normal again?

Does it happen suddenly?


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## appleseed24 (Oct 9, 2013)

when it happened for me early on in my recovery it felt like little spurts of "me" would appear but would disappear pretty quickly. Nowadays I feel normal for longer periods, I still get bouts of the DP but it doesn't completely throw me off and I don't believe crazy things anymore.

It won't hit you in a flash, good memories might start replacing unnecessary bad ones. More logical thought will start replacing the other thoughts. Feelings of safety will slowly make their way in. It's funny because DP is just dissociation, but dissociation is a normal part of EVERYONE's life. So the more you allow your feelings and thoughts to be the more they will pass and make room for your more productive logical thoughts.

So in other words...it was gradual


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