# I'm losing hope



## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I'm losing hope I'll ever come back to the real me. Every day is such a struggle, it's like I'm a character in a book, it's not me, reality is not the real reality, and I feel so trapped! My kids grow, and I miss out. I can't make choices about my life situation, I can't feel what I want. Is it possible to recover when it's been as bad as this? When I've lost myself and everything so completely? I don't remember how it's supposed to feel, does it matter or not?
I hate to bring this up, but I think I'm going to end this if I'm not better over the summer. I just can't go on like this. What on earth should I do? I never get any time to rest, I'm scared of everything, nothing makes sense. I feel like I'm psychotic. I don't want to be crazy anymore. 
I'm wondering if I should go into a ward for a while, my son would have to change school, but it's better than me killing myself right?


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## china77 (Aug 27, 2010)

york said:


> I'm losing hope I'll ever come back to the real me. Every day is such a struggle, it's like I'm a character in a book, it's not me, reality is not the real reality, and I feel so trapped! My kids grow, and I miss out. I can't make choices about my life situation, I can't feel what I want. Is it possible to recover when it's been as bad as this? When I've lost myself and everything so completely? I don't remember how it's supposed to feel, does it matter or not?
> I hate to bring this up, but I think I'm going to end this if I'm not better over the summer. I just can't go on like this. What on earth should I do? I never get any time to rest, I'm scared of everything, nothing makes sense. I feel like I'm psychotic. I don't want to be crazy anymore.
> I'm wondering if I should go into a ward for a while, my son would have to change school, but it's better than me killing myself right?


You got to hang on. It will pass. Anything is better than killing yourself. I think maybe you should go into a ward if you think that will help you.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Are you taking meds? I hate taking meds but being as bad as I am I need to otherwise I get major suicidal thoughts. I can't stand living like this either but I feel like I am only given one shot at life and if I end things, then that's it. Hang in there because things very well may get better and if they don't you will die one day anyways. When I am on meds I suffer but don't want to kill myself, when I am not on meds I want to kill myself. Take meds it sounds serious.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I've cut back on the benzo's.. I feel horrible. It was o.k for a while, now it's chaos. I really don't know what to do next, it's like Im starting to realize how bad my situation really is. The memories are flooding back, and I'm in shock trying to deal with what I've missed out on with my baby son. I feel like it's just too damn much to handle for one person, all the pain I feel. I'm so confused, my identity is such a mess!

I have my two kids and everything to take care of, and I honestly can't cope with it all. I've called all sorts of people to get help. but they tell me I seem soo resourceful and look so healthy, it's like no-one can get it through their heads how badly I need help. I sometimes wonder what it takes. I've gone to the e.r saying I'm about to kill myself, next thing it's like I'm in a job interview. Then I'm sent home. I've called some people at child protection whatever and told them I can't handle my son, they just sort of let me go without an answer. I feel so removed that I can't face calling anyone else now, it just feels too unreal, like I'm not here anyway. Like I'm too used to being trapped in hell. SOrry, I'm rambling.
Thank you for both of your replies though.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Well to be honest, there's no quick relief from this horrible pain, except for meds.. medication is usually labeled as evil, but it does help in a few cases (most of them actually) , antipsychotics are amazing in what comes to stopping racing/existential thoughts, anxiolytics are good to keep you calm and kinda not care about DP that much and antidepressants are good when you're feeling down (obviously) , I'm not saying this is the best choice, it isn't, but yeah it helps some


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## Emir (Nov 20, 2010)

...


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## Teresa (Nov 23, 2009)

York... Youre worsening of the "memories"-flashbacks are fron whitdrawal from the benzos, it WILL pass... hang on...... Now I know youre from Norway, så I can post this on danish... its the withdrawal symptoms of benzos:

(if u need me to translate anything, let me know)

"Psykologiske" symptomer
Pirrelighed (uro, hvileløs)
Søvnløshed, mareridt, andre søvnforstyrrelser
Øget angst, panikanfald
Agorafobi, social fobi
Sansemæssige forstyrrelser
Uvirkelighedsfølelse
Hallucinationer, fejlsansninger
Depression
Tvangstanker
Vrede, aggression, irritabilitet
Dårlig hukommelse og koncentration
Påtrængende minder
Begærlighed, stærk lyst (sjældent)

"Fysiske" symptomer
Hovedpine
Smerter/stivhed - (lemmer, ryg, nakke, tænder, kæbe)
Prikken og brænden, følelsesløshed, ændret sansning - (lemmer, ansigt, krop)
Svaghed ("gele-ben")
Udmattethed, influenzalignende symptomer
Muskeluro, spjæt, tics, "elektriske stød"
Skælven
Svimmelhed, dårlig balance
Tågesyn/dobbeltsyn, ømme eller tørre øjne
Tinnitus


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Påtrengende minner! Det er det vanskeligste nå... Ellers tror jeg at jeg har nesten alle symptomer på listen i noen grad.. Haha.. Untatt hallusinasjoner!
Føler meg ellers bare enda galere enn før, om mulig.. Takk for liste

I've been on benzo's for two years, and in the beginning they helped, now I've started to realize a lot of the symptoms I believed to be DP, were actually the drugs.. Like CONSTANT flashbacks, or being pulled into memories all the time. I still have bad flashbacks but they don't eat me alive like they used to. Not feeling like I have any control of what I say or do at times, that has become a lot better too. 
I'm only cutting back 1/4 and will do for a few months. Not taking any risks. I have to admit I feel so bad today I'm tempted to just take the whole deal. I'm losing it from lack of sleep!!


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

I have to add that I can't handle any more meds, I always have a horrible reaction. SSRI's set off a three months battle with the "behind a pane of glass/fog-thing" after ONE pill in 2003, and I think that was the beginning of getting DP back as well.

Alcohol combined with my 3/4 daily benzo pill (it's the lowest dose, even lower than they make them in Sweden and Finland) is the only thing that makes me feel close to normal these days. But I'm not stupid, I only have a beer or two like every other weekend. It helps, it was the same last time. Alcohol in very small amount is better than drugs for me.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks for your honesty, York; I can definitely relate. I've had this for about 8 years now, and I sometimes wonder whether it will ever go away. Thinking about spending the rest of my life in it is awful, especially when it's really thick. Every day that I've hung in there has been worth it, though, even when it doesn't feel like it. I got to spend this Christmas with my whole family, including my two one-year-old nieces, and neither of them seemed real, and I didn't either, but they were, and I was. Now, even through this awful mental squall that feels like the closest thing to reality and identity that I have, they're there, a little bit, and fuck this disorder, it can't take them away.


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