# Kill me God...kill me NOW



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

I am frustrated. Tonight is the first night of Rosh Hashana and I was supposed to go to my aunt's house to celebrate the cedar. As alwaysssssss...I fuckin felt too far gone/depressed/anxious/miserable and could not make it. I am tired of this. I am tired of the fact that I had a relatively two good days last week on both Friday and Saturday, only to end up fucking miserable since Monday. I am tired. Things seem waaayyyy waaayyyy waaaaaayy waaaayyyy far away, and its like im TOO FAR GONE! NON -EXISTENT! I am just tired of everything. Tired of not feeling, tired of being dead, tired of not being able to fully live out my life.

I need help. I need my dad to get me help. I cannot brush my teeth, wash my face, or fucking shower on my own anymore because my OCD has gotten so bad that I have been avoiding all of these rituals at ALL COSTS. How much longer can I go on living like this? 
My dad goes, ''Well, you just need to GROW UP!" or "I'm tired of spending all my money on you with no results!" Well gee thanks dad, really makes me feel a whole lot better.

I wish I could just freakin shape up and not be like this, but what are the first steps to take?? I have way too many problems on my hand including Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder and Depersonalization Disorder was just meant to be icing on the cake, huh? I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. I want to die....not literally. Why Dp, Why?????

End Rant.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I know it's probably doesn't help much but the fact that you had two good days is EPIC. That my friend is the beginning of healing. I used to have 1 good day a month, Then it grew to 1 every two weeks. Then one every 5 days. Then closer and closer to the point now that I can go weeks without bad dp/dr. I still have it mildly but it has now switched so that the bad days are few and far between.

Also, with the good days I always had a series of very bad days after. I think it's because the chemicals in the brain are rising and falling, trying to readjust themselves. I know it's sooooooooo hard but keep at it. You are healing.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Keep goin, it's good to let the anger out.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Thank you ustabetinyfairypeople & surfingisfun001. <33


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## Classy (Sep 7, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> I am frustrated. Tonight is the first night of Rosh Hashana and I was supposed to go to my aunt's house to celebrate the cedar. As alwaysssssss...I fuckin felt too far gone/depressed/anxious/miserable and could not make it. I am tired of this. I am tired of the fact that I had a relatively two good days last week on both Friday and Saturday, only to end up fucking miserable since Monday. I am tired. Things seem waaayyyy waaayyyy waaaaaayy waaaayyyy far away, and its like im TOO FAR GONE! NON -EXISTENT! I am just tired of everything. Tired of not feeling, tired of being dead, tired of not being able to fully live out my life.
> 
> I need help. I need my dad to get me help. I cannot brush my teeth, wash my face, or fucking shower on my own anymore because my OCD has gotten so bad that I have been avoiding all of these rituals at ALL COSTS. How much longer can I go on living like this?
> My dad goes, ''Well, you just need to GROW UP!" or "I'm tired of spending all my money on you with no results!" Well gee thanks dad, really makes me feel a whole lot better.
> ...


What is Rosh Hashana ?

And relax. I'm sorry you're going through this. Does your dad know how you feel completely? Sit down and talk to him. Make him listen. Talk to your aunt.


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

Insatiable,

Fake it till you make it!

That is the only way to move forward, if you want to enjoy the holidays then dont let anything stop you. The more you avoid and single yourself out, the worst you will feel in the future.

I say first thing is to reconsider your medications if they are not working properly

Secondly, find something that will make you feel good about yourself and build up your strength further. Focus on maybe an interest of yours that you have, or go to Borders and get a bunch of fun magazines and read them. Enjoy time by yourself. This is the one thing that helped me tremendously. I even took a road trip by myself from Miami to Palm Beach, and it was one of the BEST days of my life. I have a passion for furniture, so i recently spent an entire week popping into furniture stores to find ways to redecorate. It was time spent for myself and only myself, Because I know that nothing external will bring me happiness.

You are a million amazing things, remember that. DP is not a life sentencing. There are ups and downs sure, but I admire the strength that youve put so far and you will prevail.

Happy Holidays


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## kaitlyn_b (Jun 9, 2010)

Im sorry you’re struggling right now and the last thing you need is your family not supporting you. Just remember that people who have never suffered with depression/anxiety and especially DP, do not understand this. They think we can just snap out of it and move on, they don’t realize that it is a physiological problem too. I understand how frustrating it is but you had a few good days, so hold onto those until you have a few more good ones!


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## Fullmetal (Dec 8, 2009)

Classy said:


> What is Rosh Hashana ?
> 
> And relax. I'm sorry you're going through this. Does your dad know how you feel completely? Sit down and talk to him. Make him listen. Talk to your aunt.


Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year! You can check it on Wikipedia


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