# My story of recovery...



## 13erger

Hello, my name is Shane and im 18, and I'm here to tell you about how I seemingly conqured my DP/DR. I've decided to post this on the " start here" forum because so many who are new to the disorder come to this board by panic. I look through the threads and see topics with simple greetings as titles or " HELP!", usually followed on the inside by a person's desperation and confusion to this new and life altering feeling. My DP/DR ( like so many) was induced my smoking Marijuanna. I was 16 when I was first afflicted with the disorder. I had been pretty new to smoking marijuanna, Probably for about a month I smoked it quite a bit. The DP/DR didn't set in until about a week without smoking. I remember I slept over a friend's house that night. I woke up and felt very strange. I felt as if I was in a waking dream. I immediatley went home from the panic. And I just remember crying and feeling really confused as to what was going on. From that moment forward I would suffer with severe anxiety and panic for about the next 3 months( after those 3 months I began to calm down and jsut sort of suffered "normally", I felt very afflicated by the disorder for about a year and 8 months). I barely ate, I questioned my sanity nearly every second of the day, but sleep came very easy to me. Sleep was almost an escape my brain had from the terrible feeling. The minute i got the oppertunity to sleep, i would near instantly fall into a deep slumber. I remember what really set off my panic about the feeling was searching on the internet my symptoms, and coming up with " marijuanna induced psychosis". I didn't find out about what this disorder really was for almost a month. Then I stumbled upon this forum and felt very relieved. The assurance from hundreds of people that i WAS NOT GOING CRAZY, and so many others felt the same feelings as I did. Thats the most important thing to remember, you WILL NOT go crazy. A crazy person cannot watch themself go mad, a crazy person doesn't know they're crazy. 
For me personally, I found that my derealization was a viscious behavior of thought, more so than it was an uncontrolable afflication. I suffered mostly from derealization than depersonalization. I remember with derealization, i would just be going around town to places I'd been in the past over a hundred times and could only concentrate on how " different" they felt. I felt as though nothing had the same FEELING as it did before. It's the strangest thing to describe. For me, every enviornment Im in has a distinct feeling about it. And I found with Derealization these feelings were getting sort of mis matched and crossed over. I would feel feelings about places I had had in the past. Say being in the grocery store, I would have the grocery store FEELING I had when i was like 11 and I would recognize this at my present age thinking " why am I feeling like that?". This is all a mouthfull to really describe. Nearly everything I suffered from was of an obsessive nature. When watching TV i wouldn't know where to focus my eyes. When walking i wouldn't know what to do with my arms. Alot of little things were blown out of proportion and made big things. I felt like I couldn't stop paying attention to these little things. I remember once i had a cell phone in the dark and it was lighting up and then i moved it and got scared that the " trail" of the cell phone lasted too long and that i was going crazy. Any kind of little nit picky thing to be worried about you could imagine, I probably had it. 
After a while though, I realized that my reason for all these terrible feelings and thoughts were attributed to my own way of thinking. I had basically trained myself to think REALLY REALLY deep into everything because i thought I was going crazy. The reasons places felt different to me, was because I was always trying to make sure they didn't feel different! These feelings about your enviornment arn't supposed to be THOUGHT of, they are just supposed to be felt! If you spend your days " testing" to see if your still feeling DR/DP then you will! It's when you stop thinking about the disorder and these horrible feelings that you finally began to realize that it has been a viscious cycle your brain has put itself in. I'm not saying DP/DR is " all in your head" because my friends used to tell me that and it used to really piss me off. I know that its a real affliction, and then thousands of people suffer from it. But it's main source is Anxiety. Anxiety CAUSES DP/DR, and obessive thoughts cause Anxiety. the whole ordeal is a circle of confusion and suffering. People say you can get to the end of a road. It's a straight line. But a circle is continuous, always looping and looping and looping. The same cycles of waking up in the morning looking around your room hoping " Oh maybe today is the day!" then after a few seconds you say " no I guess not..". Then you go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and look into the mirror, and you look at yourself and think " how could I have been so stupid ( angry at myself for smoking marijuanna). and going about your day questioning your sanity, always entranced in your own thoughts letting the days pass by you. A circle looks infinite. But thats what you need to over come. Breaking that circle. And its more of a " chipping" motion than one giant swing of a hammer. I remember one of my first moments of progression was when I was supposed to go with a friend out of state for a trip or something of the sort. And instead of waking up thinking " am i still have DR" it was " OH CRAP IM LATE!". My friend and his parents were to be at my house in about 10 minutes and I had jsut woken up. I was so focused on brushing my teeth and showering and everything really quick that I didnt even think of DR/DP! not until I got in the car at least, and then went on with the daily routine of my DR. But the lesson is, you need to engulf yourself with things to do in your life. You need to keep busy. Once you can break that terrible way of thinking by concentrating on other things then your near cured! I'm not saying im DP/DR FREE. I still have it at times, when im stressed out or really over tired. But it seems to appear now at more appropirate times in my life. You will never get past this disorder if you are constantly thinking about how you think, and thinking about your brain as if it is a seperate being from yourself. We are our brains! And by you the brain thinking you arn't your brain trying to think about what your brain is thinking even though your thinking it because your your brain is going to drive someone mad with confusion! Now for those of you new to this thinking " oh no i can't stop thinking about it, I'll never be cured", just relax. It's not about forcing yourself to stop thinking about it, it's about engaging yourself in your life again. The anxiety will be extreme at times, and you need to cope with that anyway ( in reason) you can to find alleviation. I found that being around friends often was a good way to take my mind off of it. Even if you arn't thinking about it for even 2 minutes, thats still a step forward! That 2 minute break works wonders for yourself. and more and more that 2 minutes will be 4 minutes. and then 8 minutes. and it will just keep climbing up in its duration until you realize " Hey! I feel great! I have DR sometimes, but who cares! its nothing i can't handle!". 
This was my way of finding salvation from this terrible disorder, If anyone ever needs someone to talk to about this or ask any questions feel free to Instant Messeage me. x5h4n3grla is my screen name. I hope this has been a help to some of you.


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## Leetah

thank you for your story..I recognize a lot, especially the part about waking up..I wake up everyday hoping that today is the day...the day I REALLY wake up.
I try to stay busy all the time since that seems to be the general advice from most of the people who recovered.
And its true:there are moments of relief when I don't think about it. 
Did you have contstant dp/dr? and your recovery wasn't overnight,right?


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## Gippie

You sound just like me! Exactly! Especially your symptoms, and the fact that it was induced by anxiety/marijuana [I still love weed though... I hope I could smoke it again one day xD]
but Thank you so much that just gave me such a big pick me up! thank you!


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## 13erger

Leetah said:


> thank you for your story..I recognize a lot, especially the part about waking up..I wake up everyday hoping that today is the day...the day I REALLY wake up.
> I try to stay busy all the time since that seems to be the general advice from most of the people who recovered.
> And its true:there are moments of relief when I don't think about it.
> Did you have contstant dp/dr? and your recovery wasn't overnight,right?


It's absolutely not an overnight thing. It's a gradual learning process. You need to condition yourself to not obsess on these terrible thoughts. Meditation,exercise, social activities are the best things I can recommend for getting your mind off of it. It may look like "avoiding " it, but giving your brain these little breaks from the thoughts is really healthy. Meditation slows your mind to a near stop. Social activities keep you engulfed with whats going on, like laughing with friends or something. And exercise is good for your physical body and your too busy thinking " ow my legs" or something lol. And eventually, you will grow tired of thinking the way you do. Mentally tired/fed up. And you simply won't have the energy to concentrate on it. Everything takes time. You will recover if you can condition yourself. I only really feel DR/DP when I'm having anxiety. But at least the anxiety ISN'T about DP/DR, which DP/DR is caused from anxiety! the cycle is ludicrous. You can do it...all of you!


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## laserdog

mate at your lowest, did you see others as aliens? that sounds a bit harsh, but i mean like you couldn't relate with them.... because there all "normal" and your in your own little world sort of?

also did you find that when speaking moving thinking etc it didn't feel right? like it weren't you at all? and also did you feel like you were purely in your head.?

believe it or not i had this a few yrs back and beat it! i had been dp free for nion 3 years. then i had a bit of a random panic attack, and it re triggered this dreamlike state! in the past i recovered, to a point where the dp state was a memory! i could talk to people about how i used to feel when i had it! i was back to being 3d and on the same wavelenght as everyone else...... as you say i think i just got fed up with feeling like that and got engulfed in life! (thats why in one aspect i must get off this website) and over the weeks/months--u just snap back to normal living in a concious state! not in your sub concious.

I agree fully with you mate on breaking the loop! constantly assessing how you feel and why you fell...and thinking why this and why that...is no good! its funny when i was normal, i never questioned existance or the point of life or why this etc...yet now thats how i feel.....and to be honest i want to go back to not giving a fook about that and concentrating on work/life like everyone else!

what i would say to ya, i beat this a few years back and came out of it a much better person! i had gotten into a fitness regime, healthy eating, socialising, sleeping etc etc...then then gradually over the the last 3 years i've stopped the gym, diet etc and its come back..... its important you keep your mood high, self esteem, self confidence....all 3 obv help anxiety level. i know currently i feel like an alien so them 3 are just words, but i know there, there in the back ground i just have to go back to normal and LIVE life in my body not in my head.!


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## 13erger

laserdog said:


> mate at your lowest, did you see others as aliens? that sounds a bit harsh, but i mean like you couldn't relate with them.... because there all "normal" and your in your own little world sort of?


 I felt almost like everyone was on " mute". If it were a tv. Thats the best way to describe it. Like... I was functioning on a different frequency and I was just managing to pick up on others around me. I was very isolated within my own thoughts and compulsions. The longer I sat in my head for, the worse off I was, because I became " content" with the suffering and bad thinking. Once you make routine of things it can be hard to break them.


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## laserdog

so what ya saying is just make ya routine ya normal life and not DP. for example, get off this website and back into the "world"


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## 13erger

Exactly. I didn't come back to this website for a long time until I felt perfectly fine. Then I came here to tell everyone how I felt better and how they could possibly follow what I did to help them out. You have to LIVE your life, even if you don't feel into it. Just make the motions, and eventually it will click. 8)


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## laserdog

mate thats exactly what i'm goona do! i know i have to do it .....its just actually doing it!!!!!!

its weird how everything i use dto love , football, drinking etc now means nothing! i'm gonna keep doing it and eventually as you say it'll "click"...

i'm still thinking about "what if i wasn't born" "whats memory" "whats emotions" etc and stipid things like that! i feel quite connected to my surroundings! its just myself i've lost for the time being! i feel positive and up beat to a degree! just it dont feel like me... i have to forget about stupid things and thoughts that in the past weren't even on my radar!

my daily routine involved waking up, going to work! skiving til dinner time, hit the gym to build up my physique  finish work, look forward to seeing my girlfriend or my mates. organising nites out with family friends, playing football, all with the goal of making enough money to enjoy life. cars, women etc.... "life was so easy" I never thought about any mental aspect as such, just feelings and emotions as they occured. like everyone else i was just living ...and at the end of the day, i would slope into bed! and love it...... its amazing how hours days flew by. 

now however!! its feels like i'm alive 24/7! i know i was in the past but now i can feel it!

my priorities are still there just the same bond they had is gone! football isn't important coz it dont feel like me playing! watching is different as the emotion of winning and losing has gone!.... the only thing thats still there is ogling women!!..lol i'm glad thats remained!...lol

but i'm going to engulf myself in what i used to do! log off this site! and forget about this ever happened..

to be fair i beat this once before for over 3 years...and this site wasn't even a memory...lol i had to re search for this site!!!!

its amazing how when you return to living! how insignificant it is! you feel stronger as a person for going through it! its just getting out of it is the hard part! tho in theory its not, if ya dont try.... i.e ignore it...eventually it goes


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## szeret

> !.... the only thing thats still there is ogling women!!..lol i'm glad thats remained!...lol


yeah my sex drive seems to still be unaltered by DP


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## laserdog

..mine too.... i'm starting to feel emotion about cars again...lol so its coming back! and the football season starts again 2m so ....

everytime i feel myself connecting to my environment or myself i get a headache (just mild, like in a pulse) :s dunno if thats good or bad?..lol


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## kermit

hi i am dealing with my son that has a these things your feeling ,he is so scared he gas gone to dr and is on medication what can i do to help him he is 16


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## Trudget

Hey im a 16 year old boy who has DP. The best thing to do - Is be there for him. I love it when my father socializes with me - You feel so alone in DP; like you've lost your world. Everyone is living life. But your stuck in your own copy of the world. It makes the day alot easier to be with the people you love and have fun with - even if you don't sense reality.

Just tell him to forget about it. Tell him to live life.

To me a disorder is, Something that you let disorder you.

It's like a getting bullied, he hurts you by calling you names. 
He wants to fight with you, you fight him and he hurts you.

You avoid him. - You beat him...

Reading is a good thing to do; while reading: youre trying to make sense of story.

You trying to read the words.

You get involved into the books world.

You dont think about dp..

Good Luck to all of you;  We can all get through it.


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## kermit

oh god i glad to hear boys his age have it ,i spend hrs listening to him and trying to understand but i guess i never will unless i experience it ,at the moment he is not at school cause the panic attacks are too much i hope when he returns it will help take his mind off it but then maybe its not that black and white thanks for advice and this site has really helped me ,ihe loves to read so we will get a few books ,im starting to beleive he will get through this even if he tells me he feels trapped and alone ,thanks for reply


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## 13erger

16 seems like the lucky number people are afflicted with this.


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## BCalcutt

I have just recently finished cancer treatments and have gone back to work after 8 months. What you are syaing to to go to work and get out and do the things I used to do and eventually this will go away??

And staying away from the site would be a good thing too???

Nothing against this site but we all are looking for the best way to get rid of this thing.

BC


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## Luka

> To me a disorder is, Something that you let disorder you.


I wish that was true. A disorder (whichever it is) is not something you can switch on and off.


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## kermit

sorry if i was taken up wrong i know that 'gettin on with things' is not the answer ,hence the reason i said i understand its not that black and white, i was speaking about my sons experence and what helps him, being with his freinds and his love of books helps him but that is only one small part , otherwise i would not have spent 7 yrs bring him to doctors . thanks to this site for all the great stories that i have read that have helped me to understand


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## 13erger

BCalcutt said:


> I have just recently finished cancer treatments and have gone back to work after 8 months. What you are syaing to to go to work and get out and do the things I used to do and eventually this will go away??
> 
> And staying away from the site would be a good thing too???
> 
> Nothing against this site but we all are looking for the best way to get rid of this thing.
> 
> BC


Staying active is only one part of it. The point is to break the cycle of anxiety fueled DP/DR, and DP/DR fueled anxiety. You need to keep your mind off of it basically. Or you obsess. There is no " cure". No company is going to come out with a medication that if you take it, it makes DP/DR vanish. At least I don't see this as a reality. DP/DR is a perception, it's how you view your world, anxiety causes the mind to disassociate itself. And if you worry about DP/DR then your causing more anxiety, thats perpetuating your DP/DR. And when I said stay away from the site... I meant when you start to get a sort of stability with the feeling. I left the site for months, because I felt as though i was filling my mind too much with the disorder itself. I already figured out what I needed to do, and it was time to give my brain and my subconscious a break from obsessing on DR. It wasn't until I stopped concentrating so much on DR that I began to feel the weight get lifted off my shoulders.


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## 13erger

Gippie said:


> You sound just like me! Exactly! Especially your symptoms, and the fact that it was induced by anxiety/marijuana [I still love weed though... I hope I could smoke it again one day xD]
> but Thank you so much that just gave me such a big pick me up! thank you!


This isn't me advocating marijuana to people, but I actually smoked marijuana fairly recently. About... 2 months ago. And although I felt a bit foggy for the next few days after, I didn't have a " relapse" so to speak of the DP/DR. I felt as though I needed to go back and do the thing that caused me so much problems to prove to myself that It was over. It was kind of a personal revenge or something almost. Today, I feel fine. I just figured I should share that, seeing as marijuana has played a key role in many people's DP/DR. This leads me to believe that it wasn't the chemical (THC) that induced it, but rather it allowed my mind to work itself up into a state of anxiety perpetuating the DR/DP.


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## kermit

I dont let my son read this site at all, not because i think it is bad its because he would not be able to handle the stories at the moment , he would become too anxious and then he would get DR ,it seems to go like that with him, i read it to try and help me understand it and all i can do is pray that he will get well enought to be happpy.


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## 13erger

kermit said:


> I dont let my son read this site at all, not because i think it is bad its because he would not be able to handle the stories at the moment , he would become too anxious and then he would get DR ,it seems to go like that with him, i read it to try and help me understand it and all i can do is pray that he will get well enought to be happpy.


I understand why you would do that. When I first saw this site, I remember reading a post that said " DP/DR for 14 years" or something like that. I freaked out. It was very detrimental to my healing process.


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## christodenisto2

It's pretty obvious from reading this site that some people can't get over dp by thinking differently or doing activities in their life.

Some people on this site have only gotten better after taking medication.
Others still feel crippled after trying just about everything.

Sweeping generalisations usually aren't accurate.


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## cheezwiz45

What Im worried about s that I'm 13 and I feel that this shouldn't be happening to me. What I'f my christmas is ruiened because I have DP??


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## kermit

try not to worry because i know thats what bring it on when it happens to my son, i know that is easier said that done ,what helps my son is he surrounds himself with people that support him and it give him some comfort ,i wish i had the answer but all you can do is keep going and things will get better. :wink:


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## abby_ploussard

I used to smoke pot all the time and Nothing came about it other then I got lazy and hungry. well In one night I smoke at a friends house and I statred to go CRAZY..... I thought that I had been put crazy and I was going to be stuck that way. In a panic I called my dad and her took me to the ER. The ER did nothing so i went home thinking that this will all blow over and I'll be fine tomorrow. Well I woke up the next morning feelingg like I was in th enight before I though that I was going crazy and I had no way of controlling it. I tryed to tell my dad what I was feeling... But I couldn't I kept everything to my self.... until I couldn't handle the thoughts in my head so I called my aunt who is a pharmasist I told her everything. I was put on Prozact, and then lorazapam I was going crazy having attacks in school. MY aunt found this web site and I think that this web sight will help me stay alive.


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## 13erger

Seems like you had a panic attack, and then that induced and anxiety attack. anxiety attacks can last for days, just that feeling of angst. and these things perpetuated your DP/DR to surface itself.


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