# I am no one



## adriennef (Mar 12, 2015)

I feel angry at everyone and no one. Anger is the only sensation I feel. Apart from that I am an empty shell. I have no sense of identity, rather, I wander gloomily through life like a ghost. I feel profoundly alien. I don't like to see my reflection and yet I am obsessed with it. I stare at it like it alone holds the key to my identity. I am intensely uncomfortable in my own skin. It is like an itch I can not scratch.

I feel as though I have no past. My life feels completely void of any purpose. I feel as though I have no earthly ties to this world, like I am going to float away into oblivion. I feel disconnected from everyone. I am incapable of connecting with anyone. During conversations, I cannot even feign interest any more. The act of being alive irritates me to an almost unbearable extreme. I feel raw, as if I have no skin and the slightest stirring of air, the most insignificant, minute sensation is excruciating. We were never on intimate terms, but I have now lost all contact with reality. My surroundings feel totally unreal. Every day feels like a dream.

More and more frequently I am experiencing derealization, especially while at work. I am hit with a sudden spell of dizziness and a sensation of leaving my body. I work at a call centre and my job is very stressful.

I don't know how to cope with this. I am feeling hopeless. I don't want to go on existing.


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## Guest (Mar 12, 2015)

My first piece of advice is to let you know that clearly you are not alone, we all deal with the same feelings you are dealing with daily. Secondly, if you have some vacation time available at work, TAKE IT. Work is clearly a stressor and a trigger for you right now, you may find yourself feeling better with just some time off


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## adriennef (Mar 12, 2015)

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately, there is no vacation time available at my job. I am a temporary employee there and even calling in sick could result in my dismissal. I am trying to hard to find a different job.


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## Anonymity (Jul 8, 2013)

I can relate a lot to what you said. My first months of DP I constantly wrote excerpts like the one you posted above. Interstingly enough, I have lost the ability to express how I feel after the few years of having DP.


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## Vans (Apr 6, 2015)

I felt exactly the same for some time. I walked the streets thinking "alright, people are living in houses, going to pubs drinking beer, they have kids,,," as if I was an alien from Mars. There was absolutely no bond between the world and me anymore. I was lost in a very dark, agravic state. This has somehow changed to not even knowing that I exist. My hands and everything feel strange to me, I do not even feel them. I see them, but I cant identify them as mine. When I touch myself, my hand might recognise some change in sensation but the part of skin I touch doesnt react at all. It all seems like a puzzle. No past. No future. And I dont even exist in the Now.

When I do things I have to concentrate so much, that I dont perceive anything whats going an around me. Strangely I seem normal not people who deal with me, but I just fall from one blurred, visual experience to the next without any connection between them.

Everyones a stranger to me. I dont even have a proper image of my boyfriend in my head anymore. Everytime we meet hes a new person to me. Just cant remember things weve done before that connect us. Same with everyone else. Friends, family...

In my head I try to explain to someone else the way I feel all the time instead of experiencing it myself.

Theres so much going on at the same time. Im wondering if its very extreme in my case or how could anyone go to work feeling like this?

Personally, I couldnt even get into work (Im 23) cause sometimes Im even to sick to do my shopping. The little energy level I have I need for the things I HAVE TO do. Theres no space for trying to spend some quality time. whatever this is....


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