# Thought dissociation/suicide



## Bosko

I cannot take this feeling anymore. Last night I went out and got absoloutley wasted because im think im going to kill myself. Im absoloutley terrified of being alive, I hate waking up. I just dont know what to do anymore, I just want it all to end.


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## Guest

dancingwobbler said:


> I cannot take this feeling anymore. Last night I went out and got absoloutley wasted because im think im going to kill myself. Im absoloutley terrified of being alive, I hate waking up. I just dont know what to do anymore, I just want it all to end.


Don't kill yourself. You need to try something new. But just don't kill yourself. That's not a good idea and you know it. Peace.


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## Guest

dancingwobbler said:


> I cannot take this feeling anymore. Last night I went out and got absoloutley wasted because im think im going to kill myself. Im absoloutley terrified of being alive, I hate waking up. I just dont know what to do anymore, I just want it all to end.


Go to the emergency room and tell them you want to kill yourself. They will help you. I've been there twice for the same reason.


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## Bosko

Im so confused by this. I just cant seem to ground myself at all. trying to fall asleep is like a journey into hell, my thoughts just running all over the place, then panic attacks, then just confusion. I find it difficult to explain. I just want it to stop feeling like this, im sick of it.


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## Guest

[quote name='dancingwobbler' date='03 February 2010 - 07:31 PM' timestamp='1265254300' post='181446']
Im so confused by this. I just cant seem to ground myself at all. trying to fall asleep is like a journey into hell, my thoughts just running all over the place, then panic attacks, then just confusion. I find it difficult to explain. I just want it to stop feeling like this, im sick of it.
[/quote

Again, go to the hospital. It sounds like you would benefit from a couple of days in the psychiatric unit. They can help you by stabilizing your suicidal feelings and panic. I don't know how things work where you live but it might be easier to get a prescription for benzos through a hospital than trying to get your doctor to give them to you because doctors generally have no idea what dp is and are hesitant to give benzos because they think you will get addicted. I have been on Klonopin for 4 months and it does have therapudic benefits. It really helped me through the bad panic part of dp and now it even helps me to be clearer mentally. I think that you should also try Lamictal. Lamictal and klonopin are two of the drugs shown to really help with dp symptoms. I know that they did for me. Lamictal is also a mood stabilizer and could help with the anxiety/depression feelings that are leading you to feel suicidal.


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## Kappe

I go that way, i been struggling with this shit for 10 years now, when i was younger i try ed to commit suicide because i could not handle it anymore.
BUT its not the way to go man, you have one life and millions changes of getting better!

You will be able to have a normal life with normal feelings belive me, we all got bad periods but how stupid this may sounds (and its such a clitche, a true one) BUT there is ALWAYS sunshine after the storm.

Go to a hospital and explaine what you are going true, you can get help and you can get healthy there is always hope dont ever forget that.


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## landrethr

I think we've all been there at some point! I think about that option alot. But I truely believe that we have the power to overcome this!! As hard as it is, stay positive and look to the future! We may not see it now but recovery is very possible and it all starts with believing in yourself. Let's do this together and beat this!! I know it sounds corny but, but I think this is the first step in recovery. Don't give up yet ok!?


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## Bosko

I keep putting it off and putting it off. Ive been doing loads of stuff to help myself, eating healthy, exercising and I just feel worse everyday. I want to literally scoop my brain out to stop this screaming inside my head. I look like ive been hit by a bus, cant sleep. Its just ridiculous, What would they do in hosspital? I dont know why I wont go to one, ive been putting it off for around a year. My psych wont prescribe benzos, and just keeps giving me ssris.


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## Guest

dancingwobbler said:


> I keep putting it off and putting it off. Ive been doing loads of stuff to help myself, eating healthy, exercising and I just feel worse everyday. I want to literally scoop my brain out to stop this screaming inside my head. I look like ive been hit by a bus, cant sleep. Its just ridiculous, What would they do in hosspital? I dont know why I wont go to one, ive been putting it off for around a year. My psych wont prescribe benzos, and just keeps giving me ssris.


You might be surprised, but just being in a Hospital is a comfort all in itself. Even if they have nothing more to offer you, the vibes of a Hospital are healing. And you definitely sound like you would benefit greatly from a prescription of some benzos. Screw your psych. and just go get some real help. Peace.


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## Bosko

i just cant explain what this is like, this isnt any sort of life, its completley fucked.


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## landrethr

Since the meds don't seem to be helping you much, instead start trying to heal more spiritualy. The medication will only mask your symptoms anyway. To truely beat this you need to change your way of thinking and the way your brain works. I know it seems hard to even try and think positivly when you feel like such hell. But if you keep up with the negative thoughts it will only take you further into the viscious cycle. Make the descision to change your way of thinking, it really will help!!!! Try and google eastern medicine or something along those lines, it will start you in the right direction, I am proof!


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## Mario

rachel_f said:


> Since the meds don't seem to be helping you much, instead start trying to heal more spiritualy. The medication will only mask your symptoms anyway. To truely beat this you need to change your way of thinking and the way your brain works. I know it seems hard to even try and think positivly when you feel like such hell. But if you keep up with the negative thoughts it will only take you further into the viscious cycle. Make the descision to change your way of thinking, it really will help!!!! Try and google eastern medicine or something along those lines, it will start you in the right direction, I am proof!


You say that meds only mask the symptoms.Some of them do,but others don't.
It has been proven that some psychoactive meds can re-balance what is inbalanced in the brain,they can fix the inbalance of the brain neuro-transmitters(serotonin,dopamine,etc) which incorrect function and levels in the brain are very well known as being responsible for a large number of mental diseases.In many cases,specially those causing great suffering,for a person to start thinking clearly,meds are required as a primary factor.Only after the person is stabilized,we can then obviously think in some alternative medicines or even on something spiritual.


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## Rebekah

Dancing, I've had DP off and on for years, and the years that were extremely horrible for me were when I was living at home with an abusive and alcoholic mother and father (which is how it started, smoking pot and trying to act straight so I could go home under the same roof as my father. I thought I would get caught being high, and so I freaked out and DP'd). Dancingwobbler, is there something going on in your life, a person, maybe, who is not treating you respectfully, causing you to need to escape into DP'd? All those years when I had severe DP I felt so utterly alone and wished I had someone to talk to and who would just give me a hug. I know in my life now (and then), the cause of my DP is directly related to being emotionally abused by someone. I live on my own now and last year my boss at work abused me for months until I stopped it, but I felt very panicky and Dp'd at work and at home then. Now I feel fine, sleep well and mostly DP free since I have realized in my heart and mind that no one has a right to subjugate me and my free spirit!!! I have friends who love me and have my back and don't work against me "behind the scenes." This understanding has made a tremendous turnaround for me with any feelings of DP. Most Dp'ers have been abused and may not even recognize it in their lives. We are so sensitive to negativity that we may not even be consciously aware that we are being abused, since it can be so subtle. Just being around a person who is giving off antagonistic vibes against me causes me to dissociate and become anxious--that's how sensitive I am. I've learned to recognize this subconscious dynamic from others and to either stand up to their warring words and/or to basically avoid them altogether. I have very few friends at work, but at least I am in my safe zone--and screw the rest of them who think I am antisocial--they are abusive--and I trust my intuition completely now. Finding a counselor who is on your side is what helped me overcome most of the DP and depression, along with Xanax and Klonopin for crises. I'll be praying for you that you feel better.


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## dola

Alcohol doesnt help any. Last few times ive gotten drunk ive just went to a negative place where ive had similar feelings. I dont know whats up with my negativity lately. ill take a thought and just dwell on it, then more neg thoughts come until they overwhelm me. Normally xanax curbs that negative whirlwind for me, i dont take them often though. Guess i need to embark on a positive thinking crusade.

Yeah, dont kill yourself. I thought about it and at teh time sounded like a good idea, but then today wasnt a bad day. Just like everything it will pass.


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## Bosko

I just feel trapped. I dont want to live with this anymore.


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## Guest

dancingwobbler said:


> I just feel trapped. I dont want to live with this anymore.


Dancing, when you go to the hospital and tell them you are suicidal, they will admit you to the psychiatric unit. There you will be able to see a lot of different doctors and pyschologists who will put you on the right medication to help you (Mine put me on benzos and lamictal). They have you do classes where they teach you coping skills and you go to groups where you talk about your illness. It actually is not bad at all. It isn't like the movies where you are in this sterile place with long halls. The place I went you have a normal kind of bed and there was a common room with a tv and couches and you get to order your own meals. It isn't like being put in a straight jacket and locked away. Trust me, it WILL help. Please read this, pack a bag of clothes, and go to the emergency room. Tell them you are going to kill yourself. They will get you the help you need as, obviously, your psych isn't helping at all and you have reached your limit. Trust me. Please. Go and do it.


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## Garjon

It sounds to me like you just need to get out and do something to take your mind off of it. I've noticed that every reply you have posted on this thread is almost exactly the same and what that means to me is that you are just sitting and thinking about it all day long. You need to break that pattern otherwise you will have a lot of trouble getting past this. Like everyone else said, while sometimes it is bad, it can certainly get better! take care,

Michael.


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## Bosko

Its so fucked, i dont know why I wont go to hospital. I think that it will just go away but it never does, its like i dont deserve the treatment or something. I know it sounds stupid but its true. and i understand what youre saying about breaking the pattern but ive tried to do all that stuff, distractions, exercising everyday and i still cant cope with it. If youve not experienced it i cant explain it.


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## Guest

dancingwobbler said:


> Its so fucked, i dont know why I wont go to hospital. I think that it will just go away but it never does, its like i dont deserve the treatment or something. I know it sounds stupid but its true. and i understand what youre saying about breaking the pattern but ive tried to do all that stuff, distractions, exercising everyday and i still cant cope with it. If youve not experienced it i cant explain it.


Well you have two options. You can continue to do what you have been doing or you can go to the hospital and get help and change your situation. You can go. You are chosing not to. Call a cab or a relative and tell them to come over and take you there. Or walk or take a bus or drive your own car. Just go because doing nothing is going to get you nowhere but more depressed and desperate.


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## platourchin

1


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## Bosko

I hate it so much, im seeing my psych tomorrow and im so tired of explaining it too him I cant be bothered to go. does anybody get fed up of trying to explain it, Im not a poet, what does he want me too say for an hour. Il be repeating myslef again, and he will ask if my meds are working and I will say no, and he will say give it another two weeks and see. I swear he just wants the money out of me. Anybody know any really good Psychiatrists in England?


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## paperskeleton

dancingwobbler said:


> I hate it so much, im seeing my psych tomorrow and im so tired of explaining it too him I cant be bothered to go. does anybody get fed up of trying to explain it, Im not a poet, what does he want me too say for an hour. Il be repeating myslef again, and he will ask if my meds are working and I will say no, and he will say give it another two weeks and see. I swear he just wants the money out of me. Anybody know any really good Psychiatrists in England?


See if you can't find a new psychiatrist. 
It often takes a few tries to find one that fits you; I had to do the same thing with counselors. 
But there's no reason that you should feel like you're stuck with someone who isn't helping you. If he won't listen or try to understand, if he has you stuck in an ineffective med regimen, then it might not be a bad idea to see someone new.

As others have stated, I think going to the hospital would be a good idea. They can provide comprehensive care and the attention that you need right now. I think the more or less constant presence of medical professionals in a hospital is rather comforting; when I'm here at college and I'm sick, rather than wallowing in my room, I usually go hang out in our Health Center. The nurses there treat you like their daughter. It's really nice.


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## Floating Tears

You're from England?

I'll keep what i'm going to say simply that add to it if you seems it would help. Right if you go to the job centre and make them aware of your condition, you'll be able to go onto a course called "condition management programme" google it. You'll get free Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which it self totally sorted me out. Just reply telling me if you already know about this and i'll leave it as that. if you're interested i'll go into further details with you.


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## Bosko

trying to sleep is the worsst. trips into hell everynight, I just cannot sleep ever, its 4 in the morning atm


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## Bosko

Im seeing a new psych in a few days about this. its completley unacceptable atm, cannot sleep (staying awake till six in the morning and finally falling asleep through exhaustion}, work, read, function. IM hoping meds will help me because my ability to fight it is running out.


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## ChrisPA

What is your day to day routine like? And how many hours a day do you spend on here? You've got to try and let yourself out of the cycle your in. I can tell you right now, relying solely on meds isn't going to be the answer. There has to be somethings in your life you enjoy doing. Find that thing and latch onto it. I would try to get into something that completely engulfs your mind like playing a musical instrument or a video game. Give yourself some sort of powerful distraction, because what you are doing to yourself right now is constant observation of your own thoughts. You'll never get better doing this trust me. Find yourself a hobby, surround yourself with close friends and hang out with them even if you don't feel like it, keep excersizing and eating health because it is helping you, you're just not letting it. Trust me if you are thinking about committing suicide then you haven't really strongly attempted any of these things, and gotten yourself into a new habit and routine. You are telling yourself over and over that nothing is working. Have your new therapist prescribe you a sleeping medication if you are having trouble sleeping. I used them for 2 months straight because I had bad insomnia as well and they eliminated it completely. After that 2 months I started to take them less and less and still slept great. I don't take them at all now. Once you get yourself back into a better sleeping schedule, and you keep yourself occupied constantly you'll start to shred away a layer at a time the deep rooted anxiety you have and the DP will become less and less severe. One step at a time, because you have obviously been really doing a number on your nerves. The sleep and healthy eating will help, the new routine will help even more, and soon you'll be heading in the right direction. You can do it!


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## Bosko

Tried all of that, atm I cannot sit down and watch tv or read because of my thought dissociation. I cannot explain it, but something i am not doing is letting it win. I have tried so fucking hard for a long time to try and fight this on my own but it doesnt help. When I cannot do something so simple as watch a movie I begin to think what is the point. I exercise a lot during the week, dont drink anymore, all the usual stuff. Infact when this first started two years ago I could still read, but I cannot read now. If meds dont provide me enough relief to be able to read again, i dont know how im gonna be able to get back on track and do a degree/get a good job. im not expecting miracles but something as basic as that i will need if there is any point living. Im fed up of spending my life in a state of mental rape.


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## Mario

dancingwobbler said:


> Tried all of that, atm I cannot sit down and watch tv or read because of my thought dissociation. I cannot explain it, but something i am not doing is letting it win. I have tried so fucking hard for a long time to try and fight this on my own but it doesnt help. When I cannot do something so simple as watch a movie I begin to think what is the point. I exercise a lot during the week, dont drink anymore, all the usual stuff. Infact when this first started two years ago I could still read, but I cannot read now. If meds dont provide me enough relief to be able to read again, i dont know how im gonna be able to get back on track and do a degree/get a good job. im not expecting miracles but something as basic as that i will need if there is any point living. Im fed up of spending my life in a state of mental rape.


You have to take the right meds.
In such kind of situations,meds are the first aid we need to get some reassurance.
And then YES,after we get that reassurance,we must make all the efforts possible to live a normal and fruitful life.

Take care


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## Guest

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## Bosko

This problem just gets worse and worse. I feel like my entire life is just a battle against this. Its like I cant be bothered to fight it anymore, im so sick of it. Im fed up of complaining about it too doctors and trying meds that dont work. EVerytime I take a step forwards something happpens or the feeling just intensifies again. I keep saying to my psych I cant cope with it anymore but I cant. I so badly want this damn feeling to go away. Ive been freaking out badly, ive been withdrawing form paxil and I cant stop thinking about how completley fucked my life is. Living with this horrible thing inside my head everyday, it makes me feel depressed and full of panic. It makes me feel even worse when I realise im not blowing this out of proportion.


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## eddy1987

hi mate , im goin through exact same thing , do you feel as if your mind is not yours and that every thought is not you thinking it .m and also same with memories aswell although you knw you did something it just doesnt sink in and feel real at all . basically like your a milllion miles away from your thoughts .

i have all this and it is probly the worst symptom and hardest to accept . iv never felt so weird and yet come accross normal to family and friends,

basically you are fearing it , fear is making you alot worse panic etc. and yes it is hard to go to sleep with all that crap through your head . what i have done is stopped fearing it because fear is making it ten times worse . now i am left with the shit symptom but no fear in it ..hoping it should clear up .

it is hard but accept all the fear and tell it to bring it on , accept it when u go to sleep so if u think your going crazy tell yourself ok im guna go crazy atleaast i can sleep and its better than fearing and and waitin to go crazy .

i feel for you mate ...it is very hard and not many people can relate to it ~!!


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## eddy1987

TAKE OUT THE FEAR AND DEPRESSION , THE FEAR AND WORRY DO NOT HELP MATTERS ,. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND A NORMAL NON ANXIOUS PERSON IS THAT THE NORMAL PERSON DOES NOT WANT TO CONTROL THINGS WHERE AS YOU DO . LET GO AND SAY BRING IT ONNN !!!FOR ASLONG AS IT TAKES . YOU ARE ADDIN UNNECCASARY FEAR AND WORRY ON TOP YOUR EXISTING PROBLEM . BELIVE ME IM EXPERIENCING THIS AND IT IS HORRIBLE !! WORSE THAN ANY OUT OF BODY FEELING OR WHATEVER /


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## Bosko

Noted eddy, Im 'glad' you can relate if you know what I mean. anybody who has really experienced this will now how completley disturbing it is. I find myself constantly repeating myself to doctors and on this board trying to explain what it is like, but you cannot do it justice. I hope you can feel better soon. Im in the process of getting treated for it but some days I just want it all to end. It just wins me over and I think what is the point in fighting anymore.


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## eddy1987

hi , im in the same boat as you ...but ive kind of reALISED fearing isnt going to make it better , even tho it is so horrible i dont fear it or panic over it .
on every forum they say etc every feeling and thought ...but its hard to accept every thought that doesnt even seem real or like ours . 
i hope you get better mate . to be honest when i was on medication for a few months and i started to relax i did feel about 80% better and more in touch with my thoughts , 
i got to this stage by stoppin meds. so that goes to show when you are always in a relaxed state your symptoms fade . SO DEFO ANXIETY PLAYING GAMES


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## G.i.t.s

READ THIS
I know what you are going through. And i have to say that nothing of this works if a person cant sleep. It only gets worse with exercises and so on. Its hell to try to sleep. And every night when you go to bed u are scared. You know that it will be the hell again. I DID GO THROUGH ALL THIS TOO. But now listen to me, i did it, for me its now only bad memories. Now i will tell you how you cam do it:
- First of all you have to handle with yourself much easier. Dont require to much from yourself. Be conscious of it that you are ill and its not your fault. Its okay that you arent so powerfull and productive like you were before. With DP/DR you are doing a experience that nearly noone does, its normal that other people cant understand you. If they would make that experience, that would act with you much different. But thats not important. Important is only that YOU know what you going through. That you know how hard it is to handle with such a thing like DR/DP. A thing that changes EVERYTHING. Nothing is like before.

The only way for me that worked to let that Sleep-Hell behind me is with medication, its the first step. The best would be if you go to a psychiatric clinic. I did that too and it helped me alot. There you are not surrounded with anything else. There you can forget all that and focus only at yourself. And there you have the safety. If you cant sleep right, its no problem. You havent to wake up to go to work or to school or anything like that. If you are tired and not powerfull, its no problem. There is nobody that requires something from you. 
And dont ruminate what others could think of you. NOW ITS YOUR TIME. Think only at you and your health. If you dont feel right with that psych then leave him, find an other one. Im sure the people here can help you with recommendations.


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## A_Logical_Thinker

Ending your life is not worth it. I'd rather be alive than nothing at all. I don't believe in God or any religion for that matter, but from what I understand death is very painful and there is no turning back. There are so many things in the world! Life is so short already, so why would you want too end it early? Try too keep positive and talk too as many people as you can to rid yourself of those thoughts.


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## Ivan Hawk

depression is truly an abstract verb. It may be that, the chemical changes behind depression generally occur from philosophical conflict in the situation that expose the individual to the necessary emotional/mental stress that triggers these chemical changes. There is hope in saying if the brain could change then, it can also change now. Perhaps not back to the old state of happiness, but in a new, more wise and more powerful state with experience and confidence.

Things that can help

1. Reading about other things - perhaps at random if you don't know where to start and see if you become very interested in a different field of thought
2. Heavy exercise produces the necessary endorphins to temporary reduce depression. Give yourself a good dose of exercise and music and let your mind wander. There are exercises for everyone.
3. venting the negative thoughts usually helps you flip back on the positive aspects near your conclusion of the vent - it depends though.
4. Vitamins B-C-D, Fish-Oil, Water, Olive Oil may help.
5. If the energy allows, take a walk - take a drive - check out the local book store for some exposure therapy to distract and change your mood.
6. Think of your current situation and realistic ways to improve things, who's worth talking to, who's worth saying goodbye to and moving on. What helps you, what really takes away from you. What is necessary and what is not. Philosophical things.
7. Ahh, read a good book and push to read more of the pages. 
8. Meditate for 30 minutes, feel how your breath slows down so much you don't even hear it. Listen to how clear things become.
9. Massage.
10. Improving sleep, sleeping in different areas, sunshine through a window on you during a daytime nap, etc

One of my theories. Powerful friendships, without the doubt, without the angery/stress/fear, without the inability to answer the phone nor call them; Powerful friendships that produce happiness in the moment and in your sleep - give you strong strong hope. Finding these friendships is worth the journey, to live a life closer to what you want. Some people want to be alone, but unless they are truely happy being alone, they in fact, don't want to be alone


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## PANDALOVE

I don't know how you feel today but I hope you're doing better  I have felt the same way soooo many times  you're not alone  I always end up feeling better and so can you. Before you take pills for it, try thinking rationally about things.That really helps! Before you feel like you need to go to some kind of institution or take pills to calm you down, try talking to someone about what's really bothering you. If it's the dumb anxiety and dp that's bothering you,don't worry about it  I know it's easier said than done but in reality, that's a good solution. I've been able to get out of those horrible depressing days on my own and with the help of people that are there for me 

if you don't have anyone,then fck it I'll be here for you! lol I don't care if I don't know you  and luckily, this forum is filled with people that are down to listen


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## Bosko

Thankyou for the support people, but I know that I have to find something to treat my thought dissociation before I can start to feel better. It's hard to explain but it exists on its own and has done for years now, outside of anxiety, and it was drug induced. i have been feeling lately like I am exhausting all my options, and like no matter what I do I just cannot live how I used to. I get depressed that im always like this, and how hard it is, everyday. I get annoyed with myself for always thinking about it, and moaning, feeling bad, but I cannot help it. i feel like sometimes people must think im just one of those people who is always going on about how bad i feel. Before this happened to me, I was totally normal, then I just woke up one day feeling like this. I get confused about whats hapened to me, and i get very upset about how debilitating it is for mem, how much ive changed, and how I just cant seem to get across to Drs how much of a struggle life is with it. Im scared about my future atm but im going through a treatment plan which ive never done before so i am hopeful.


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## Ivan Hawk

i wish ya the best of results from the treatment and for the more true sense of life to be experienced again.
I had a substance induced episode off the charts once compared to my other episodes and absolutely knew I'd be driving over to the mental house in a few days if things stayed the same.
An LSD trip from pot (possibly laced). Took about over 30 hours to go away. I was f*cked up floating around some friend's apartment I only knew in class, but he was a good guy and helped me through it. He was honestly caring too, cause no b.s. occured either and he was legit about allowing me to lay down for a few hours and listen to music and a movie. I looked in the mirror and saw some freaking unknown weird stranger, even to this day my memory remembers the f*cked expression in that mirror hah- damn. One time too many for me. Probably wont be touching that stuff for a long time, atleast not that much. I tried a little amount months later and still worried - feeling a little bit of the same effects of DP enhancement coming back. Freaking painful and I think my body has the unique circumstances that that generally allow for the negative experience.

Most people with DP shouldn't mess with pot unless they are seriously willing to see how it effects them and take on the potentially high rate of negative consequences (which will be pretty damn serious.) In my case, I didn't understand what I have been facing for awhile was DP till I did the pot. I looked up an explanation to this bizzare episode I never got from alcohol, or caffiene. I definately get DP bad and I'm addicted to computers and combination of constantly observing the world through windows and having DP...ehhhhh causes some trouble with keeping time and doing more meaninful things outside of the digital world of gadgets and stuff. Perhaps a strong connection to Nature therapy can help relieve some DP for people. The Henry David Thoreau method in a healthy dose.


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