# Will it ever end?



## Robkinsons (Feb 21, 2011)

Hi Everyone

At the age of ten I experienced my first severe anxiety, my parents had no idea what was wrong and even after visiting a psychiatrist we were unable to determine exactly what was wrong with me other than I was extremely anxious most of the time. Eventually I got over it but after a year or so I began to experience the same symptoms again, however this time they were accompanied by rituals and obssesions and after another visit to the psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Obssesive Compulsive Disorder. After a year or so of therapy I was able to overcome my obssesions, I was able to achieve this thanks to SSRI medication. Originally I really didn't want to take them, even at the age of 11 I was extremely reluctant to do so, however with persuasion from the doctor and the psychiatrist I eventually took the medication. I wish to god now that I hadn't, because that was when I first began experiencing DP/DR, at first I didn't know what the hell was going on, in fact I had no idea what was going on until about a month ago. Every time I went for a meds review with my doctor I would describe this unreal feeling, like watching life go by from behind a pane of glass, she would nod and smile and the subject of DP/DR was never mentioned, I don't think they even aknowleged it as a problem. Seven or eight years passed and this unreality became my reality, having lived half of my life this way, having grown up with these feelings I assumed this was the way my life was going to be from now on. Seven years without ever feeling happy, seven years since I've smiled and actually meant it, reality seems like a distant memory from my childhood, and sometimes I wonder if it ever really happened at all, my life seems to have been one long dream from which I am unable to wake. I stopped taking the medication many months ago though the DP/DR still persists, I have read that the only way to overcome this is to overcome the underlying anxiety. However where that may be possible for other people it seems unattainable to me, I have had every obssesion in the book, my anxiety keeps turning in a infinate loop that never seems to end. My brain won't allow me to get over these thoughts, the nature of my OCD means that they will keep returning over and over again. I am unable to overcome them and so instead I do the next best thing, I wait months, sometimes years until gradually I am able to push the anxiety to the back of my mind, where it can do the least damage. However I assume it is this buried axiety that it causing my DP/DR, I don't feel especially anxious, during the day I experience very little or no anxiety at all. I can't beat my anxiety because of my OCD, I can't have anxiety because it causes DP/DR, what on earth am I supposed to do? I went to the doctor with these symptoms but he really didn't understand, in the end I had to get reffered to a support seesion for anxiety which I still have yet to attend, I'll have to get them to refer me to a proper psychiatrist but it's all getting too much. Is there any hope for me ever being normal again?


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## gill (Jul 1, 2010)

In my experience, obsessional thinking is fuel for my DP, just like many other problems in life. That's why these days I try to treat that obsessive thinking more than anything. IMHO, that would be the best place to work on, to see whatever helps with that.

take care.


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## Variable Pitch (May 2, 2010)

Yeah. Yeah it will end, even when you can't see it ever getting better. If ya dont mind reading a bit, ill tell ya why i say that.

I think theres a history of depression in meh family (though if you ever asked one of em to this day were all "just fine")so I had that stacked against me to start, then when my dad died from cancer at age 7 things went from bad to worse. Suicidally major depression, cutting, looking at life like a movie going by, unable to deal with a relationship with anyone, verbal and physical abuse, massively introverted, growing up in high-control oppresive religion, this was all shit I had to deal over the years with most of it occuring when I was a teenager. Aint saying I had it the worst, always had a roof and food and clothes, but I didn't have it easy. That coupled with DP for over half my life and I just thought that was the way it was going to be: There is no change. There is no hope. Life is a river and I got stuck in the rocks staying still while everything else around me was going by, unable to do the things mentally healthy people do.

But things change. Gradually anyways. When I was 20 things started to seem less chaotic in my head. Not great, but better just with time. Then I got out of that particular religion for good. Went to college. STarted getting into psychology and learning why I do the things I do. Learning what caused this hellhole I found myself into and the defense mechanisms I put into place that just fed the cycle. Exersizing and eating better. Then one day I woke up and felt happy for once. Aint saying its all roses, still gotta long way to go to catch up on life. 24 now and ive been free of that floating, watching a movie thats your life feeling for 8 months.

So things change. Sometimes with a bit of luck and work, they change for the better. Id say you got a reason to hope.


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## Robkinsons (Feb 21, 2011)

Thank you, both of you, it's good to know that these feelings might not last forever, I think you may be right about treating the underlying obsessions gill. I guess I'll just have to try and get some help and then see what happens.


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## babybowrain (Aug 24, 2010)

I'm sorry you had to take medication at such a young age and that happened to you. My ocd started around the age of 11 too, but I wasn't medicated for it until I was 15 ish. Right now I'm not taking medication for it but for something else (I'm taking an antipsychotic) and it really helps and I would say I have no dp/dr. The one I'm taking is abilify but it's different for everyone.


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