# I give up.



## Musicgirl1314 (Jan 16, 2018)

(HUGE trigger warning: things mentioned in this post are solipsism, OCD, and suicidal thoughts. If you're triggered by any of those PLEASE don't read on.)

There's no other way to say it. I give up. Solipsism has officially taken over my life and it seems like nothing I do can reverse this. Whenever I look at a family member I don't think they're real. I know it sounds literally insane but my mind won't let it go. I just want to feel normal again, that's my number one wish. My family thinks I'm better but in reality I feel like the worst I've ever been. To make things worst I have harm OCD as well, and even though I don't want either of these conditions if I HAD to have one I'd pick the harm OCD over this, although don't get me wrong OCD is still awful. Honestly I think I'd much rather be dead than experience this for the rest of my life, as morbid as that sounds. And to make things even more worse is that I'm only 15, I wanna do normal teenage things and hang out with friends and stuff but I'm not mentally up for it. Like all my friends are out hanging out and dating people and here I am fearing that everyone is a figment of my imagination. As depressing as this sounds, I feel like I'm eventually just gonna commit suicide. I know I'm only 15 and this MAY be just a phase but idk how you get yourself out of something like this. I'm more making this post just to vent, not really looking for advice. To anyone that does read this, thank you for reading. By the way, let me know if I put this post in the wrong category as like I said I don't wanna accidentally trigger someone. Have a good night.


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## phoebefructose (Jun 25, 2017)

I used to be in a situation similar to this. Thankfully, without OCD. Even now I still have a wobble, feel the sort of out of body experience, my parents will seem like they arent real and need a few minutes of grounding.

Maybe about like, two years ago I had a complete year of non-stop derealisation and every day when I got home or was eating dinner it felt like I was on the brink of a screaming/shouting fit at the "world" around me. Like, I felt like I was gonna snap at any point and go do something to end it. But to be honest- it WAS only all feelings. Nothing I described to you just now actually happened- it was all working myself up in my head about things I felt and had no proof of or reasoning of. You will not commit suicide because of this, I have full faith in that. But what got me to slowly start controlling myself was trying to everytime- take a step back. As I sat there eating dinner, watching TV with my family around me, I would think "Alright. Okay, so... this is crazy, I feel crazy. But that is all. I'm not actually in danger. I just need to sit here and wait it out while thinking about this feeling. I am just going to sit here, recognise that I'm feeling terrified in my own house with my own family, even though it FEELS like I'm not, I KNOW FACTUALLY that I am."

And maybe a lot of the time it didn't work, the adrenaline 100% took over. But after a while of being half aware of your state, you become much more comfortable with it when it happens. You think, "ah, here we go again- just need to continue with whatever this is, but also juggle this sensation."

I'm 15 now, and even when I still think of my parents I get a weird, uncomfortable feeling and I blame that on the year of seeing them as sort of blank silhouettes. But when I'm with them, most of the time 9 can enjoy the time I have at home. I sit at my desk to draw or whatever and when I feel that feeling, I hold onto it and sit peacefully with it. I can't even begin to express how much I've grown since then. It was probably one of the hardest times of my life, and I was only 14! But I'm still seeing help for it and I'm living rather than just making it through the hours. Your recovery won't be immediate and you'll probably still have remnants of the feelings for a while. But you'll grow so much and feel so proud of yourself by the time you've crawled out of that horrible place you're in at the moment.

Sorry if that was pretty long, I might've gotten a bit passionate here & there- but I hope it can help you in your journey out of the place you're currently stuck in. It'll happen eventually, and you'll be the only one responsible for making that change of mind xxxxx


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## ElectricalDirt (Mar 3, 2018)

This is just "pure O" OCD, or mental OCD. Those thoughts are not what you believe or else you would be acting on them. I know you don't believe your parents are not real. They are just intrusive thoughts mixed with extreme anxiety and the derealization feelings. It can be overcome with time and OCD therapy.


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