# My full story. Almost recovered



## StrengthWithin (Sep 19, 2014)

Hi everyone,

I've been a long time lurker on these forums but this is my first post. I want to tell you my entire story so this is going to be quite a lengthy post.

My first experience with DP/DR began when I was about 14 or 15. I am 21 now. I had been smoking weed with a few of my friends. We had done it a few times before. We smoked a few joints between 4 of us and we started to walk around town. All of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere at all, I had the first panic attack of my life. I must have been super high because this feeling felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. You guys all know how panic attacks go. It felt like my heart was pounding out of my chest. It felt like the world was closing in on me and going to end. I remember specifically having audio and visual distortions because of how high I was. I was hearing and seeing things after they happened. Sounds would echo in my head over and over and over again and I thought I was losing my mind. It felt as if I was living life in a flip book of pictures. I was not seeing the world continuously but rather different snap shots at a time, if that makes sense. I was freaking out and yelling to my friends "Help me, help me, help me". They said I repeated that over and over again. Finally after 20 minutes or so the panic attack ended but I was still super high and didn't feel normal. I went home and went to bed in hopes that I would feel better in the morning.

I woke up the next morning and everything felt... strange. I felt like I was removed from my body. As if nothing looked or appeared the same way as it used to. I asked my friends if they felt like this and they were just like "yeah man, we're all burnt out from the weed". I figured I was just "burnt out" or whatever and it would go away in a few hours. I went about my day, feeling strange the whole time. I remember obsessing over the question "when am I going to feel normal again" (red flag). The day came to an end and I never felt normal. Still felt strange and removed from my body. I felt emotionless and scared. *I began obsessing over question "am I going to be stuck like this forever?".* Weeks went by and I still felt the same. I started to truly feel like I was stuck in this endless pit forever and I was scared for my life.

Now, I don't remember exactly how, but eventually I just began to "accept" the fact that I felt like this. This was months later. I remember specifically telling myself "Well, I don't know what else I can do but I guess this is how I'm going to live for now on". I cannot pinpoint a specific moment or date but eventually the DP/DR started to slowly fade. I was a freshman in high school and it just "disappeared". I never even looked back. I couldn't even remember what it felt like to feel symptoms of DP/DR. I remember I stayed away from weed at all costs and still, to this day, have not smoked weed. I don't even remember thinking "I've been cured" because that's how slowly the symptoms started to fade. But I was back to living my life normally and it felt incredible.

I went through all of high school without any feelings of DP/DR and I am currently in my senior year of college studying Mechanical Engineering, which is stressful to say the least. This summer, I was working at a job that I truly hated. It was located near my college which was away from home. I was living alone because my roommate got kicked out of college and I couldn't find a new one for senior year. Earlier in the year, probably around January or February (I really should know this), I met this amazing girl. We started spending tons of time together and I found myself falling madly in love with her.

It was July of 2014. I don't even remember what DP/DR is. Me and my girlfriend got into a really heated argument about something so stupid I can't even remember. I got so worked up and angry. I haven't felt this angry at anything in years. I was yelling at her and she was crying and it was breaking my heart. I remember thinking "oh my God, I just fucked up my relationship. I just ruined the best thing in my life".

I woke up the next morning and BOOM. I had felt DP/DR for the first time in 6 years. Naturally, I began to freak out because I was thinking "why do I feel this way? I haven't felt like this in forever". Anxiety was running high because I was obsessing over the way I felt. I was scared that I would again be unable to get out of it. I was especially scared because I knew it was going to be extremely difficult to maintain a healthy relationship if I felt like this. I told my girlfriend about it. I told her all about DP/DR and how I've overcame it before and that I would overcome it again. I told her that things would be different for a while until I start to feel better. She said she understood but I don't think she really *understood*. I don't think anyone without DP/DR can really *understand*.

I used this analogy to describe the feelings of unreality to her. "Imagine I was describing to you the way it felt to be drunk or high, and then the very next instant, you became drunk or high. It is impossible. You will never be able to feel these feelings I feel. It feels like an altered mindset. Imagine waking up and you are high on a drug. You live your whole day high on this drug and you go to bed and wake up and you're still high on this drug. I can't just "snap" back into it. I need time. But I promise you. I promise you that I will get out of this and things will go back to normal."

I knew that if she truly loved me, she would stand by my side until I was feeling "normal" again.

The initial onset of the condition again after not experiencing it for 6 years was EXTREMELY overwhelming. I had to quit my job because I was having panic attacks every 10 minutes. I moved back home with my family for the rest of the summer until school started again in August. The feelings persisted. I was feeling DP/DR every waking moment. It was scary and I was obsessing over it. I was having a hard time connecting with my girlfriend and my family. I began to seek help. I bought Harris Harrington's depersonalization recovery program and watched all of the videos. These videos helped tremendously. I practiced a lot of the methods and techniques he spoke about in his videos and it was truthfully helping me. I started to experience moments where DP/DR would completely go away. I felt relieved. Like I was going to recover a lot quicker this time than it took me when I was younger.

August comes. School starts. I live alone. All of my college friends live too far from my apartment. My girlfriend is working full-time in our hometown (2 hours away). I am lonely. I am in my senior year of college constantly overwhelmed by the workload of engineering. I know that I must finish this year and then my life will begin to fall into place. The DP/DR symptoms are very mild by this point. I am completely functioning. I am scared that the symptoms will prevent me from being able to complete my work for school but I'm pushing through as hard as I can. I am stressed about my long distance relationship, and so is my girlfriend. I see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl and I don't want a few months of being apart to mess it up. We try to see each other every 2 weeks or so but it's hard because we are both busy.

It is now nearing the end of September. The DP/DR symptoms are pretty much gone. The FEELINGS are gone, but the THOUGHTS persist. I keep thinking "Now that I feel better, I really hope it doesn't come back". I have moments where I think I'm feeling DP/DR but really it's just because I'm obsessing over the way I feel. Truthfully, the DP/DR is very mild at this point if not gone completely. It keeps improving and my mindset about it continues to be positive.

*IF YOU READ ANYTHING FROM THIS POST, READ THIS:*

Please everyone *STAY POSITIVE* because you *CAN* and *WILL* recover. I'm speaking from experience. I'm looking back on both of my episodes of DP/DR and I'm starting to realize that you can always overcome it. I know that these feelings are strange and may be intense but I promise you they *WILL* go away. The feelings of coming back to reality are so incredible. When you begin to feel them, it is truly amazing. It will motivate you. Never give up on your fight because it is just a temporary condition that you will overcome. I know exactly what you're feeling and I promise you that it will get better. Baby steps people. If you feel good for even 10 minutes, that is *PROGRESS*. Do not beat yourself up because you start to feel DP/DR symptoms again. Praise yourself for feeling good for the few minutes. Eventually these minutes will turn into hours. These hours will turn into days. Eventually, you will be free of DP/DR. Recovering is about changing the way we *THINK*. We need to *truly* change the way we think. It takes some effort, but it will be worth it. Just remember, I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who has recently been in DP/DR and am now basically free.

God bless you all.


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## vertigodream (Oct 5, 2014)

That's crazy, that's exactly how my dp started, at the same exact age, after smoking weed with friends.


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