# What caused your dp?



## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

I jus want to know for anyone who will answer. Specific things that caused it and if it came gradually or suddenly?

For me it was my family and grade7 through 10. I hadn't developed proper social skills and it caused a lot of kids to give me shit during those years. I don't like the word bully because I feel like a victim but that's what it was. My brother always would get in my face in certain ways that made me really angry. Him being 4 years older if I ever did anything back he would get physical an say stuff like I was the mistake of the family and that I should just kill myself. My dad was a drinker and never spent time with me even though my parents weren't divorced. I just felt like a burden and then with 9th grade I was very emotional and had nowhere to go with it and depersonalized my self by habit. Then I smoked in 2011 and had a panic attack that landed me in a hospital for 10 days until I could function outside again. And from that day that I've smoke I've been dped since.

I'd really like to hear in depth about you guys. Take some time I guess and really let it out. It feels better to me at least.


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## Sam93 (Jun 6, 2013)

Hi there,

Mine was caused by a drug called 25b-nBOME (A research chemical which is a potent hallucinogen) looking back I couldn't tell you why I took it. I have mild HPPD aswell and DP/DR can occur due to the HPPD, but it's hard to tell whether the drug triggered it off or it's the HPPD.

I have had quite bad anxiety my whole life although this drastically improved before my experience of this drug. I think mine stems from childhood issues, I was bullied at school and ended up dropping out and socially withdrawing myself for about 2 years where I didn't see anyone, looking back I don't know what caused that either. Also, my dad had a nervous breakdown when I was younger, constantly crying and couldn't leave the house due to extreme anxiety, the works, I think I may have picked up on that too, so I may have some predisposition to this.

Also, my girlfriend left me recently, and I think this has contributed to the DP a bit, but the relationship was quite toxic anyway, she cheated on me and I was desperately clinging on trying not to lose her. Now I have DP and I can look at things from an outsiders perspective a bit more I can see how bad the relationship was for me and my mental health.

Drugs are very bad, I can tell you that when I recover I'm going to live clean and sober for the rest of my life. Everything happens for a reason, I think I was going down the wrong path with drugs, looking back I'm kind of glad as I was probably capable of getting addicted to something or killing myself from an accidental overdose etc.

Nevertheless, it's really allowed me to evaluate my life from the third person and I think everything does happen for a reason. I am so overwhelmingly positive that I will get through this, it's just something I know.

Must admit I shed a few tears writing all of that for some reason haha.

Good luck man and remember you WILL get through this, never question that!

-Sam.


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## philandrjack (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi,

I was basically neglected by my parents in very subtle ways. They would always tell me that they loved me very much and do a lot of physical stuff but they never let me develop my personality, and even though I am sure that they love me, they do not love themselves so I never really expierienced being loved and accepted for what I am. Also I never developed proper social skills so I also had difficulty fitting in. I was also overweight as a kid so I got bullied. As I progressed towards the end of highschool I experienced more and more stress from not being able to satisfy my social and emotional needs and having really low self esteem. I spent the whole summer drinking and I also smoked weed once and slowly but steadily DP crept on me until one day I realized: "I feel strange! I wonder what is it", so I reaserched it and realized I had DP and panicked. I went to some psychologist and they said that it would resolve itself but it didn't, so I just moved on with my life waiting for DP to go away but it didn't. So in february I discovered this site and a lots of material on DP and am now working on my recovery. Cheers


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## lmfay (Jun 1, 2013)

Thanks for posting this thread  it's a really nice idea to let anyone and everyone just express themselves, and maybe even have a little cry over the keyboard :')

I have suffered from DP for the last nine or so months now and it came on quite suddenly. I have always been an over-thinker and worrier. My older sister becoming very ill pushed me over the edge, however. The stress and conflict that my family has been through has turned my life upside down; we never used to fight, as a family, and seeing my parents and especially my sister under so much stress and sadness kills me. I then started questioning my own health, both physical and mental health. I started to feel that I was going mad as the symptoms of DP were first emerging, without me knowing what it was. I am so thankful for finally having an explaination but I still feel very depressed from time to time; feeling like a failure.

The worst thing by far has been the affect it has had on my relationship with my long term boyfriend. DP has left me feeling often incapable of loving feelings. I feel so guilty sometimes that I can't seem to love him as much as he loves me. I don't know who I am, and sometimes it feels like he is so distance that I don't know who he is  It breaks my heart. I did once have counciling...but she didn't understand how I described this abstract, dreamlike sensation people like us suffer from.

My boyfriend has been so good to me these last few months...I hope I can make him proud by beating this anxiety and depression

Thank you for reading my rant :') good luck to all of you


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks for the chance to talk about it. Mine started when I broke up with a girl I'd been dating for only a couple of months. It happened in the midst of some big life changes that may have played a bigger part than the breakup itself. Interestingly, though, the couple of moments of dp that I'd experienced before that came after splits with women in my life.


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## emad ezzat (Jul 5, 2013)

sexual abuse when i was 8


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## Ivan Hawk (Jan 22, 2010)

Extenuating circumstances like rare personality, anxiety, childhood trauma, and communication difficulties in general.


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## meowitsraygun (Jul 9, 2013)

I suffered from childhood trauma as well as bad anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I actually started to get a little better but when I was 19 I had a really bad acid trip and it was very sudden after that. The next day I felt like a complete zombie and I couldn't even speak to anyone. It was like I left when I dropped and I never really came back. Tbh if I woke up tomorrow and everything that has happened since the trip was all part of my hallucinations I can't say I would be that shocked.

And yeah... tears on the keyboard


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## speedmetal80s (Nov 28, 2012)

The hate for my father who tried to plan my future by doing everything he could to make me become who he never became. That really made me stressed and I had to choose new school and I didn't know anything at the same time as he always said what he didn't wanted me to do choose. I was stressed and days passed fast and there were so many things I was gonna do before that year was gonna end. Also I had been bullied a few years before and my self-confidence was low. In october 2010 I got my first panic attack and felt like that when I started thinking too much until my brain was empty of thoughts. Then a few months later in january when the same thing happened again but longer time that I became really scared. So I started to count days after that panic attack and that became like an addiction. I counted every second and minute, hour. I worried so much about feeling that way again that I made myself start feeling that way and then it became a part of my life.


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## Erik197834 (Jul 5, 2013)

Probably childhood bullying, followed by ocd and fatigue/stress.


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## radiogirl (Jul 20, 2013)

I was bullied a lot in middle school, so bad I would get spit on sometimes. Anyways, in high school, I was, and still am, a loner. I have good social skills and can pick up a conversation with anybody, but I guess I just can't trust anybody. I started doing weed when I was fourteen, it was fine the first 30 times I smoked, but then one day I decided to eat a weed brownie, and I guess it was just too much to handle. I had four panic attacks with an hour of taking it. After the effects wore off four days later, I slowly got back to normal. But during the next month, I would go off into my own little world, thinking of all the bad shit that's happened to me, and then one day, I got DpDr. I had it so bad the first month, I can't even remember most of it. Its hard losing a month of your life, especially when you're so young. I have gotten blood tests and have been taking vitamin d pills, which made my Dp go from a 10 to like a 1. My best adive is to GET YOUR BLOOD TESTED.


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## jimmyc (Jul 19, 2013)

Smoking and drinking at the same time at a party. went from social guy with no real issues to full blown DPD. sucks


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## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

This is really good. I feel like a huge similarity is that we were all either neglected or damaged by someone who wasn't supposed to. Some people said it was ther parents or social awkwardness or bullying which made most of numb ourselves as a defense mechanism. Just my 2 cents.


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## L.Z. (Oct 15, 2012)

Anxiety, XTC, Cocaine


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## L.Z. (Oct 15, 2012)

jethrotull said:


> pussies.....


that's also possible ;D


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## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

What do you mean pussies?


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## seafoamwinterz (Aug 12, 2013)

In 2004 I almost drowned and had a panic attack underwater


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## morgenstrn (Aug 16, 2013)

It's funny how everybody has quite the same story..
I use to be a shy kid but with good math skills, anyways my dad was always working even at home and didn't take care of me and my siblings. My mom was taking in charge our education alone, and was depressed at that time, we didn't have much money either. We moved so often I never really had a home or a native language.
When I turned about 10 I started being bullied for about three years. This had me for consequence to have anxiety until today, and self-doubt, even if my life has gotten much better.

About last year, I smoked weed at a party and had a severe panic attack which led me to have HPPD (yes, hppd from weed is possible). 
I am currently suffering from dp/dr, and pure-o OCD. My dad had anxiety and pure O too so I guess there could be some genetical predisposition.
...but I guess it's a combination of negative experiences, genetics, and drug use.
Even though I think my missing dad had a huge role in triggering my DP aswell as the bullying.


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

All my life I have had OCD and generalized anxiety,I tend to get easily depressed and irritated.I don't have healthy self-esteem and it makes me more anxious about everything.Last time I had DP was caused by high levels of anxiety at that time,and my anxiety was caused by depression because of a heartbreak and toxic relationship.My mind just took a vacation because couldn't take these feelings and worrying anymore. The second time (which happened 8 days ago) I think I had a little bit of a depression (again caused by e break-up) and it kinda made me anxious and my mind exploded again. I think I got that unhealthy attachment problem ,I have the tendency to get easily attached to people and then feel depressed for a long time after they leave my life.


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## Mr.Dream With No Exit Door (Jul 9, 2013)

I truthfully have no idea what caused mine.. I remember having moments of DP when I was around 7 years old when I was tired.. But then in 6th grade it hit me again while I was walking around, and I've had it ever since.. Its actually almost my 5 year anniversary of getting DP.. The only real reason I can think of of why I got DP was that when I was younger I would worry about everything..


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## luv2fly (Aug 24, 2013)

I was put to sleep with Ketamine years ago when it was common to use to put people to sleep. I was around 8 or 9 years old. I knew from the second I woke up something was different. I was screaming and trying to explain but the doctors just told my parents I had a bad experience with the drug ( duh ) I suffered for about a year and it just seem to clear up on its own. When I was 15 I was sent back and forth to leave with each parent and my dad's step kids were into drugs but I did'nt dare say anything. One night we were all left alone and the step brother which was around 23 came in with his friends and was smoking pot...Yep you guess it..I did not want to seem un cool so I tried it. From that second my life was changed forever. It has never went away not for a second. I have managed to live a normal life and have a nice job but inside I'm dead...I have found that some doctors still use Ketamine for breast implants and some other things...ALWAYS ASK FIRST!!!

A wasted life......


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## Ruhtra (Aug 14, 2013)

L.Z. said:


> > pussies.....
> 
> 
> that's also possible ;D


Pussies... or lack thereof lol

Marijuana triggered my DP for sure but I suspect I was already somewhat depersonalized before smoking weed. By age 21, I started losing interest in literally everything. No more ambition, pleasure, appetite, libido... and eventually I started using drugs.

The real cause of my DP is still a mystery to me... I failed exams, at sports (I used to do kickboxing), got rejected by some girls etc. But who knows if it's connected

Edit : Parental neglect and emotional abuse are certainly the root of my anxiety, depression etc. But so many people suffer emotional abuse and yet don't develop DP... so what makes the difference ?


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

morgenstrn said:


> It's funny how everybody has quite the same story..
> I use to be a shy kid but with good math skills, anyways my dad was always working even at home and didn't take care of me and my siblings. My mom was taking in charge our education alone, and was depressed at that time, we didn't have much money either. We moved so often I never really had a home or a native language.
> When I turned about 10 I started being bullied for about three years. This had me for consequence to have anxiety until today, and self-doubt, even if my life has gotten much better.
> About last year, I smoked weed at a party and had a severe panic attack which led me to have HPPD (yes, hppd from weed is possible).
> ...


I felt sad reading this...u r such a pretty girl and I hope u recover xx


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2013)

The only thing I can figure at this point:

I was born a rather anxious person ---->

I grew up in a chaotic environment/verbal abuse/neglect ----->

Constant daily overstimulation kept me in some form of chronic fight/flight response (I never knew when some catastrophe would occur, when I would get screamed at, etc. so I was always "ready for a bomb to drop). ----->
Chronic DAILY adrenaline rushes, etc. could have had some affect on my brain which made me even MORE sensitive to the situation (a vicious cycle) then:
I received no help for years ---->
Had no extended family (parents were 43 and 53 when I was born -- both of my parents have been deceased 20 and 12 years respecitively ---->
No relationship with parents at all, especially my mother except abandonment and abuse ----> psychiatry/psychology changed from the early 1960s to the present.

I was born in the very late 1950s. No internet. Even less knowledge about this crap.
I started getting the right help, late as I see it. I found others, when I was 42 on the first version of this forum.
I have felt better in the last 10 years than I did most of my life, though I have accomplished a lot.

Or who knows? This is the most logical thing I can figure out.

Everyone else is unique -- but it is NEVER ONE THING -- not in ANY illness, psychiatric or medical. NEVER.


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## imu (Aug 29, 2013)

I grew up primarily around my mum who suffers from anxiety problems and worries a lot. This sort of passed on to me, and I grew to worry a lot.

This in a combination with bullying and me attempting to escape reality through books and video games led to me developing fullblown DR by seventh grade.

I also have a hereditary serotonin dysfunction which can be best described as a "hardware problem." This makes it incredibly difficult (if not impossible from what I've found) to feel happy, excited, or any positive emotion in general. I'm currently taking SSRI's to deal with this.

Edit: Don't know how I forgot.

Tried MDMA, sent me over the deep end. I used to be fine with the detachment and never gave it any thought and then I tried MDMA and had my first panic attack.


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## Lynxabc (Nov 28, 2012)

alcoholic dad and my mum was always anxious.
dp/dr triggered days after an event- Walked in to my dads room just when he had a seizure and scared the shit out of me.


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## infinite loop (Jun 4, 2013)

morgenstrn said:


> It's funny how everybody has quite the same story..
> I use to be a shy kid but with good math skills, anyways my dad was always working even at home and didn't take care of me and my siblings. My mom was taking in charge our education alone, and was depressed at that time, we didn't have much money either. We moved so often I never really had a home or a native language.
> When I turned about 10 I started being bullied for about three years. This had me for consequence to have anxiety until today, and self-doubt, even if my life has gotten much better.
> 
> ...


All of this. Plus add in a B12 deficiency that went undiagnosed for 2 years, and a nurse who said something she really shouldn't have which triggered horrible anxiety.


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## Sike25 (Apr 30, 2012)

Damn that's a lot of responses.

I have two theories.

1-We were really anxious/worried about something (problems w/family, abuse as child etc.) and we subconsciously made ourselves not worry by numbing ourselves. A panic attack most likely made this much worse. As weird as it sounds you probably worried about DP instead of what you were originally worried about.

And this is how I got mine
2- we told ourselves not to care because we thought we were a burden by caring, or told not to care (example -dad is alcoholic -child is worried and traumatized by this -child speaks up -dad tells him he doesn't have the right to worry -child believes this and dps self - panic attack happens and becomes full blown dpd) not caring becomes habit, habit becomes dp.


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## googleeyes (Apr 25, 2012)

Was an extremely anxious child, then drugs.


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## numbrdoubt (Sep 6, 2013)

Anxiety, then panic attack.


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## shadowshudder (Sep 9, 2013)

Fearless said:


> This is why you feel derealization, because you, emotionally, is stuck in the past. You are not ready to experience the present nor physically or emotionally, because you pressed pause. When you make those decisions, te fog lifts and you are back right here, in life.


I've felt this way for so long. I look back to the good times and I... I can't make those decisions anymore. I can't feel anymore. All I feel is sadness and depression. I don't even ever remember being happy.


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## goldenboy2008 (Apr 8, 2013)

High dose of MDMA together with one unknown pill + LSD one month later resulting in HPPD, DP/DR, cognitive problems and ultimately severe depression


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## Jamby (Jun 17, 2012)

The dark cloud and numbness have been with me since my mid teens. The abuse, neglect and chaos of my childhood propelled me to it.


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