# Hello, Everyone! My Depersonalization / Derealization Story.



## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

I thought that I would make an introduction, but most have seen me around anyway.

Hello, everyone!

My name is Solomon Orlando; however, that's just a pen-name, my real name is Darian. Feel free to call me whatever you'd like, as I don't mind either way. I have experienced Depersonalization & Derealization sporadically over the course of eight months (about the time I joined this site) and am now living with lingering (but mild) Depersonalization. I first received my unreality when I was at a drive-in movie theater watching a movie with my ex-girlfriend; I had looked up at the stars, had somewhat of an "epiphany", and over the two hours following that, I started to become Depersonalized. After researching the topic online and doing a lot of self-searching, I have come to the conclusion that it may have been a mixture of family dynamics and a traumatic event that had happened a couple of years ago.

*Family Dynamics.*

I believe that my parents divorcing when I was the age of three had something to do with. They were not a very happy couple, as they had told me, on countless occasions, they were at-their-throats constantly. Aside from that, I had to live (and still have to live) with two separate families. I first realized how annoying this was when I reached an age of speech; I remember that my parents played favorites a lot and made me stay at certain places, even when I didn't want to.

It's still annoying, as I'm nineteen and still without my place, I rely heavily on my parents to take care of me for the time being. My father makes me so angry I could punch walls for hours and my mother doesn't give much care to me as I've never seen her once look out for my personal well-being. Aside from that, my mother re-married and her husband (my step-father) is very religious and passive-aggressive. Although I can enjoy his company at some points, he tries to force things on me that I dislike. I believe that these family dynamics; the moving between houses, having friends in different areas, dealing with different homes/atmospheres; had played a huge role in my Depersonalization & Derealization.

*Trauma.*

It was nearly two years ago that I had entered into a relationship with a girl across seas. It was a long-distance relationship, but I was head-over-heels for this girl and this was the first very serious relationship that I had. This girl and I had spent a good year of our lives hanging out, playing video games, conversing, and generally being friends. We had dropped subjects of marriage, family, us traveling to visit each-other at some point.

At random, she broke up with me through email and Skype messages. This was painful enough, as it was *completely random* and out-of-the-blue - I remember staring at my screen, reading this email, then laughing to myself. I went back to playing video games and suddenly received this terrible pain in my stomach and I started crying. It must have been so terrible that I couldn't even accept it at first glance; I remember walking downstairs trying to reason with her, but she didn't want reason, she wanted to break up.

The following year was me:


Begging for her back.
Wallowing in my sadness.
Ignoring my friends & family.
Avoiding responsibilities. 

Suffice to say, this caused massive manic depression inside of me and I spiraled into a pretty deep hole. I (somehow) got out of it, but would frequently take these self-loathing "trips". To define these trips simply, I would say that they were mostly me turning on "our" favorite song and either walking around at night feeling sorry for myself, or sitting in my bed-room wondering what I did wrong and what I did to deserve this. There had been many times that I lay on the kitchen floor, incapacitated because of the break-up and, even today, I feel bouts of worry and anxiety from the trauma.

The trauma made me realize my codependency, however, no doubt from my childhood. Today, I can say that my Depersonalization & Derealization were caused by this traumatic experience in my life and the diagnosis that followed. My unreality was caused by trauma.

*Other Diagnoses:*

I have been diagnosed with:


Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder)
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Schizoid Personality Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Depersonalization & Derealization

Although some of these aren't as bad as they used to be (BPD and OCD), I can still get pretty severe bouts of them at times if I get caught off-guard. I am currently not taking any medications for any of these disorders and will never take medications, as I'm not one to take them, honestly. I am currently attending talk therapy with my therapist, although it may not be doing very good, but it's always great to have a professional opinion on the matter.

*Depersonalization & Derealization:*

Throughout my experiences with Depersonalization & Derealization, I've experienced all of the common symptoms, as well as:


Intrusive Thoughts
Social Anxiety
Troubles Driving
Loss of motor skills (mild and brief)

There may be more, but they're not coming to mind right now.

*Too long; didn't read:* I've experienced Depersonalization & Derealization for nearly 9 months, it was caused by a divorce in my family and a traumatic experience. I am taking no medication and have been diagnosed with depression as well.

If anyone has any questions, I'd be happy to ask. I'm also a moderator here, so if you have any forum related questions, you can ask them in a private message! Hopefully I didn't bore you all, just wanted to introduce myself as we hit a record high of user logins these past couple of days! Just wanted to make myself known. To everyone that recently joined; recovery is always possible and you won't have this forever. Good luck to everyone out there and, remember, the Depersonalization Community is here for you!


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## swe1995 (Aug 31, 2014)

hello


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## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

swe1995 said:


> I think you did a good job analyzing what happened before the DP/DR got triggered for you, ( many months feeling bad lead to DP/DR ).
> 
> That's important to know, the root problem is not the trigger, the root problem is how you lived your life before that trigger moment.
> 
> ...


Agreed! The only reason that I continue to analyze myself is because of my diagnosis of other disorders, which can exacerbate the symptoms of unreality.


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## swe1995 (Aug 31, 2014)

SolomonOrlando said:


> Agreed! The only reason that I continue to analyze myself is because of my diagnosis of other disorders, which can exacerbate the symptoms of unreality.


Yes, the problem I have is that once I've started to monitor myself to see if i'm feeling better it feeds my WORRY and I start to FEEL worse.

It can start with a simple thought as "* Oh I felt a bit dizzy there, better check if the reality is unreal* " " Oh shit I feel unreal " * *Huge Anxiey attack* *

And this can continue for hours, Its like how some people got the flu and read about symptoms in the end they believe they got brain tumour or cancer

* facepalm *

It's kinda sad to feel this way and when you try to solve it you're just making a more of a mess.

" You create your own Suffering "


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## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

swe1995 said:


> Yes, the problem I have is that once I've started to monitor myself to see if i'm feeling better it feeds my WORRY and I start to FEEL worse.
> 
> It can start with a simple thought as "* Oh I felt a bit dizzy there, better check if the reality is unreal* " " Oh shit I feel unreal " * *Huge Anxiey attack* *
> 
> ...


I can relate to the more of a mess thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a huge identity crisis; it's hard to understand what goes through my head and it's even more difficult to realize when I'm making more of a mess inside of my mind. Analyzing sucks, but it's difficult to stop it, in my case.


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## swe1995 (Aug 31, 2014)

SolomonOrlando said:


> I can relate to the more of a mess thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a huge identity crisis; it's hard to understand what goes through my head and it's even more difficult to realize when I'm making more of a mess inside of my mind. Analyzing sucks, but it's difficult to stop it, in my case.


Yeah, but it's interesting the fact that without our thoughts who are we? The identity/ego is not there when we sleep,

without thoughts, the thought made " Self " isn't there.

I think our " thoughts " is the real problem, and the mind can't solve mind made problems, sometimes letting go is the only option.

*Last time I recovered from DP and DR ( 2 years ago ) letting go was the key*.

I remember I played video games so much to keep me distracted from thoughts^^

Somehow I worry that it's different this time and I wont come back, but if I got cured once 100%, it can happen twice right? ;-)


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## Wendy (Aug 7, 2013)

swe1995 said:


> Yeah, but it's interesting the fact that without our thoughts who are we? The identity/ego is not there when we sleep,
> 
> without thoughts, the thought made " Self " isn't there.
> 
> ...


Recovery can definitely happen more than once! 

Thoughts can awfully confusing, can't they? They make or break us; unfortunately, for the majority, I think they break more than make, haha.


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## swe1995 (Aug 31, 2014)

SolomonOrlando said:


> *Recovery can definitely happen more than once!*
> 
> *Thoughts can awfully confusing, can't they? They make or break us; unfortunately, for the majority, I think they break more than make, haha.*


Yeah, Word!


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## Trinity123 (Mar 28, 2016)

Does anyone find it scary that everyone on this website perceives life in the same way yet the rest of the world wouldn't even be able to imagine what it's like


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## Tylerforsurely (Jul 11, 2016)

Can I ask you a question? There's this 7 minute death thing I was looking up and it was about how I could be replaying memories from my other life but there would be no way of proving it.. I saw the solipsism post you had and that helped but is there any logical explanations that can prove this wrong and any tips to connect back to reality. Like REALITY not my fantasy. I feel like these existential thoughts are right but I don't know. Please help me asap I have to get back to normal. I just need evidence that this is not a replaying life or anything and that it is a realm which is real with people that are also real. Please help. Thanks


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## Abhishek (Apr 7, 2018)

Hello everyone
Sorry for my bad English

When I was in 9th grade, suddenly I started having existential thought who am O? Why am on earth ? And everything looks so strange and I started to cry!!!
It continued for several weeks until my mom till me to Psychologist who don't have clinic but was working as a government servant
He diagnosed me and said I don't have any problem
Things were going well until .1 month back
I started having existential thought
1. Who am I?
2. Why I am on earth?
3. What is point of existence?
And so on
I feel so unfamiliar that energy thing looked strange and I started crying!!!
Sometimes even my family members looks 
Strange 
Now things are getting worse
I think 
What I see is this life?
Time is flowing, what is really time?
Is this life what I see?
I questions every thing
How would other see the world through life?
I am completely hollow inside

I think why I can in my body? How my soul is in my body? This gives me anxiety
I was having ocd but it completely went away
I am having trouble concentrating
My studies. I think it's ruining my life. Crying everyday my life has become hell
I think how can we feel,taste,smell everything

Plzzzzzzzz I want help 
Symtom that scares me is I am seeing world through different perspective as if ensuring is strange and alien to me
I see thing in 3d not in 2d
No one understand me

Pllllzzzzzzz help

EVERY ANSWER WILL BE APPRECIATED
PLEASE HELP AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE


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