# Some form of psychosis, perhaps?



## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

Alright, so for starters, I've always been a somewhat violent person, since I was a child I've loved fighting, I grew up in the middle of the mountains and was just with myself and the forest (and my sisters) for the first years of my life, so I had a massive imagination, I'd take sticks and pretend they were swords and "fight" plants for sometimes 7 hours straight, every day (around 5 years old or so.) And as I got older and gained friends I always wanted to fight them, I always wanted to practice. Fighting has always been a very ingrained part of me.

Well, a few months before DP I had the first "Episode" of it. I was suddenly overcome by a overwhelming desire to kill something, hunt and chase an animal down, fight a boar with a spear, I felt like anyone I knew I'd never want to hurt, but for example, I was in the passenger seat driving back home and at a stop light we pulled up next to a cop, I saw very clearly "I'm better then you" in this ass-holish way about the way he held himself. I felt a physical surge run through me, like a "kill" command had been executed. I physically bolted forward but only against the seat-belt. If it had been in the open I'm not sure I could have restrained myself, at least not without a lot of self control.

Well, I didn't think much of it after it ended, but at one point soon after I got the DR/DP I felt it again, but this time MUCH stronger. I felt like I was constantly analyzing people for any sign of weakness, I felt like a wolf, I felt like I needed to kill something, and the thought of killing sounded like an almost sexual release, like the hunt was the intercourse, and the feeling of sinking an object down in for the killing blow the climax. Still, it didn't apply at all to friends/family/etc. But random people, people I had no connection to, animals I had no connection to, the same thing really, that's what we are.

But the strange thing is, I don't mind it, I love it in fact, I wish I could control this state, induce it when I want and let it fade if I got into a situation where having it could actually be bad, the thought of being in that state again sounds incredible, once recently while I was practicing fighting with a friend, that surge came over me again, but only partially, even the partial state though, there was a physical change, I was stronger, he is bigger then me and usually takes me down no problem, but as soon as I felt the surge through me I had him down in seconds, completely effortless.

Anyway, my reason for posting this is to ask if anyone has any idea what the hell this is. Heh.

One thing I feel the need to add is it's definitely a complete change, just as something like DR/DP is a complete change, it simply isn't the same reality, my thoughts and reactions entirely changed, like I'm on some kind of drug.


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## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

And posting about it, thinking about it makes me crave that state more then anything, for some reason, like an overwhelming desire to experience that feeling again.


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## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

So, I was curious, and started looking up stuff about berserker rage. One thing I found was...

"In old-Norse sagas, they were warriors who dressed themselves in bear skins, to make use of the fear common people had for wild animals. They whipped themselves up to a sort of battle frenzy, biting their shields and howling like animals. They were ferocious fighters and seemingly insensitive to pain while this madness lasted; berserks made formidable enemies. In their rage they even attacked the boulders and trees of the forest; it was not uncommon that they killed their own people. The belief in berserks can be compared with the belief in werewolves; both are magical transformations of humans who assume the shape of an kindred animal. "

That last part I found to be interesting, because when I go into that state I literally "feel" like a wolf. Now, I don't want this to sound like some jackass teenager with a warewolf fantasy interpreting some minor off signals as something stronger. And something like berserker rage if it is similar to what I'm experiencing definitely was a LOT stronger. However, this definitely feels like an overwhelming drug-like state, and from what it sounds like throughout history similar things were experienced (although are definitely subject to major exaggeration.)


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## PenguinSpin (Apr 26, 2011)

The next Mike Tyson perhaps?







Seriously, have you considered boxing, or any sport related to it? How old are you?


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## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

I definitely am interested in some form of fighting, although the "sport" types interest me less. I'd like to possibly be a part of a correctional emergency response team. I went to a seminar on street violence a while back (It was some practical combat stuff as well as very in depth about the mental/physical reactions to life or death situations like that) and the guy there was the captain of his response team, the stuff he deals with twice a week is like, people are trying to kill you, and you have to arrest them preferably keeping them alive.

I would definitely like to learn to fight with a medieval type sword, unfortunately lessons like that seem to be difficult to come by, specifically the practical kind.

That kind of stuff though doesn't work too well as an outlet for something like this, because it's learning to make going for crippling/killing blows reflex, something you don't even really try to do or think about. So perhaps something like boxing on the side.

I've considered joining the marines, but A: Every marine I have ever met was a massive jackass and I'd have difficulty being around those people for any extended period of time, and B: I've lost so many years of school to anxiety I'm not sure I could even get in, if I got a GED maybe, but you have to score ridiculously high with a GED to even be considered.

Edit: Oh, and I'm 17, forgot to mention.


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## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

Hm, I see I've gotten voted down a couple rep for this. I recognize this is may sound incredibly stupid to most. But it is an altered state of mind, it's by no means something I've fabricated, I have absolutely no control over it. I just want to find out what the fuck it is.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

Zephar said:


> Hm, I see I've gotten voted down a couple rep for this. I recognize this is may sound incredibly stupid to most. But it is an altered state of mind, it's by no means something I've fabricated, I have absolutely no control over it. I just want to find out what the fuck it is.


People tend to be afraid what they do not understand. Forget it, they're worthless. Not worth your time. Frightened animals, allowing terror to grind themselves into obliteration.

Psychosis of some sort, yes. You have no control over this? Can you not think clearly in such a state? You like the power, but it is dangerous. Danger to yourself, danger to others. Isn't it sad, how everything that we love is a potential threat.


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## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

I can but I can't, there's definitely a massive activation of fight or flight, and fight or flight makes it so you can think about one thing at a time. But I can walk myself through "outside" of it, if that makes sense. That's what allows me to control it. If I just went with my mind inside of it I would have little to no control over it. Although I have been getting angry a lot easier recently as well, and when I get just angry at something I lose clear thinking ability. When I have the "episodes" it's completely different, it's like I'm in an entirely instinctual state, I'm not really mad at anything, I just have a very natural-feeling urge to target and attack things.

In this state there is no "thought" in the usual sense, there is no "voice" inside of my head, just the urge to act, like I can still think, but it doesn't feel like I'm actually thinking at all.


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## Zephar (Mar 1, 2011)

Hm, well, I've been doing a lot of research. I have no idea what causes it, but it seems like similar things have happened to people all throughout history and it seems like similar states of mind to this one have been cause for legends about werewolves and shape shifters. Which frustrates the hell out of me because the fact it's responsible for so many complete bullshit legends makes it impossible for anyone to take seriously.

In every single known psychological disorder I have looked at so far, nothing describes things in an even remotely similar way, nobody on any forum seems to have the slightest idea what it might be. The only similar mind states I can find is in myths and legends, which all sound like massively exaggerated versions of this.


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