# question



## Cynicalthoughts (Jun 24, 2011)

Hi, I'm 29 years old, male and have had DP since I was 14. I have a question I was hoping someone might be able to help with. 
Having DP for 15 years has been hell, to say the least, yet I managed to push through and survive (I wouldn't call it a life). I got an engineering degree, served a couple of years in the army but I spent every moment as nothing more than a highly functional zombie.
Here is where I could use some help... Lately (the past few months) I've been going through some more than the everyday stress but something odd is happening. About 60% of my DP started going away for seconds at a time then minutes, hours and now it's a constant, daily occurrence and the best way I can explain it, is just like a kid playing with a light switch.

The issue I am facing is the fact that I spent 15 years with DP. That means I spent 15 years feeling nothing but...well, nothing. Now that it's starting to go away, every time it does it's like waking up from a bad dream but all of the character are there and you have no idea how to deal with them. It's been so long that I don't think I even remember what it felt like to be normal or what to do... I hope you got the general idea and any insights would be appreciated.

If there is one thing I want in this life it would be for DP to be gone for good...but then what?


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

Cynicalthoughts said:


> Hi, I'm 29 years old, male and have had DP since I was 14. I have a question I was hoping someone might be able to help with.
> Having DP for 15 years has been hell, to say the least, yet I managed to push through and survive (I wouldn't call it a life). I got an engineering degree, served a couple of years in the army but I spent every moment as nothing more than a highly functional zombie.
> Here is where I could use some help... Lately (the past few months) I've been going through some more than the everyday stress but something odd is happening. About 60% of my DP started going away for seconds at a time then minutes, hours and now it's a constant, daily occurrence and the best way I can explain it, is just like a kid playing with a light switch.
> 
> ...


Perhaps 'returning' will be like riding a bicycle - once you learn you don't forget. But you may need a little time to get your sea-legs.

It sounds very positive that you are starting to recover. I have experienced something similar and was able to lock-on.

As you are in non-DPed states, try to especially hold onto positive, pleasurable feelings to help reinforce the reconnections (friends, food, flowers, joy, sunshine, &#8230. Also, if you feel too euphoric, back it off a little to prevent rebounding into negative feelings.


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## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

Visual said:


> Perhaps 'returning' will be like riding a bicycle - once you learn you don't forget. But you may need a little time to get your sea-legs.
> 
> It sounds very positive that you are starting to recover. I have experienced something similar and was able to lock-on.
> 
> As you are in non-DPed states, try to especially hold onto positive, pleasurable feelings to help reinforce the reconnections (friends, food, flowers, joy, sunshine, &#8230. Also, if you feel too euphoric, back it off a little to prevent rebounding into negative feelings.


thanks for posting that. We have a couple things in common. I've had dp/dr for 16 years and also have been having moments of relief from it. Mine don't last all day though. Like you, I do have the conflict of not knowing how to act in these times of relief. It's like your brain is in a completely different mode, different perspective in times of relief. Everhything feels strange, because at some point the strange became normal, now the old normal is strange. Friends, situations, opinions, my house, my rooms, clothes...everything...It is definitely like waking up from a bad dream. In these times I just want to explain to the people in my life, "hey sorry, that wasn't the real me", but I can't. It's like everything slows way down and is at the optimal pace. 15 and 16 years is quite a long time. I've made many important life decisions that I wonder if I would have made differently otherwise. I usually feel this instant dread and remorse when I'm temporarily relived of the dp and then I shoot back into dp land as a means of protection. Please stay in touch with any progress or anything in general
thanks
Fawg


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

foghat said:


> thanks for posting that. We have a couple things in common. I've had dp/dr for 16 years and also have been having moments of relief from it. Mine don't last all day though. Like you, I do have the conflict of not knowing how to act in these times of relief. It's like your brain is in a completely different mode, different perspective in times of relief. Everhything feels strange, because at some point the strange became normal, now the old normal is strange. Friends, situations, opinions, my house, my rooms, clothes...everything...It is definitely like waking up from a bad dream. In these times I just want to explain to the people in my life, "hey sorry, that wasn't the real me", but I can't. It's like everything slows way down and is at the optimal pace. 15 and 16 years is quite a long time. I've made many important life decisions that I wonder if I would have made differently otherwise. I usually feel this instant dread and remorse when I'm temporarily relived of the dp and then I shoot back into dp land as a means of protection. Please stay in touch with any progress or anything in general
> thanks
> Fawg


*I usually feel this instant dread and remorse when I'm temporarily relived of the dp and then I shoot back into dp&#8230;*

That is interesting. I'll get 'dread and remorse' (as guilt) that is old-tapes.

The biggest difference is that mine started around 4 - so there isn't any 'normal' to remember. Instead, it is as though awareness (especially of the emotions of other people) doubles or triples. It is learning stuff that should have been learned growing up.

If there is too much going on (stress, activity, &#8230 then that sabotages progress &#8230; sort of like running back to the cave.

Perhaps the most frustrating part is not having much direct control. But, of course, this is what it is about, learning the unknown - just as if you grew additional arms and had to learn how to use them.


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## Cynicalthoughts (Jun 24, 2011)

I'm glad I posted my question here because if anything I don't feel alone. Just reading something that says "I think I have something similar" is a bit of a relief. In any case, I want to focus on what you folks said about being a different person. That's it...That is exactly what I'm having issues with. It's like seeing the world with a completely different set of eyes. The best way I can put this is, the processor doesn't change, only the operating system does. Both Mac and PC use inlet chips but the way they process things and present them is very different.

Now family doesn't have a clue what's going on with me and I'm petty sure they think I'm weird and they're right however this is not about them.

Another real weird aspect is "DP me" doesn't like to make friends so I always distanced myself (I don't have friends), My non-DP self really wants to make friends. It's like this entire world opening up but to sum it up, I feel that, emotionally, I'm picking up back where I left off at 14years old...I'm 29...I'm a bit embraced about this too but it is what it is and getting help right now is more important.

One more thing. Foghat, you mentioned a very good point. I also have made many life changing decision that I'm not sure I would have made w/o DP. Not only that, I am having to re-assess everything I have done in the past 15years...including my relationships (and this is the hard part). I don't think it's fair to them but then again is having DP for 15years fair? The anxiety goes away, the FEAR, the fog...and one last thing, sex w/o DP ruined it for me... because now I know that DP sex is garbage. I apologize if I shared a bit too much. Thanks


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## Cynicalthoughts (Jun 24, 2011)

Visual said:


> *I usually feel this instant dread and remorse when I'm temporarily relived of the dp and then I shoot back into dp&#8230;*
> 
> That is interesting. I'll get 'dread and remorse' (as guilt) that is old-tapes.
> 
> ...


You just summed up my situation better than I have. what you described is exactly how feel with one difference. While feeling all that guilt lately it hit me...it's not my fault. I didn't bring DP upon myself. it wasn't drugs or a bad decision I made, it was trauma caused by my parents when I was a kid. As soon as I realized that, the guilt started to go away and that's when my DP started lifting too.


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## Cynicalthoughts (Jun 24, 2011)

foghat said:


> thanks for posting that. We have a couple things in common. I've had dp/dr for 16 years and also have been having moments of relief from it. Mine don't last all day though. Like you, I do have the conflict of not knowing how to act in these times of relief. It's like your brain is in a completely different mode, different perspective in times of relief. Everhything feels strange, because at some point the strange became normal, now the old normal is strange. Friends, situations, opinions, my house, my rooms, clothes...everything...It is definitely like waking up from a bad dream. In these times I just want to explain to the people in my life, "hey sorry, that wasn't the real me", but I can't. It's like everything slows way down and is at the optimal pace. 15 and 16 years is quite a long time. I've made many important life decisions that I wonder if I would have made differently otherwise. I usually feel this instant dread and remorse when I'm temporarily relived of the dp and then I shoot back into dp land as a means of protection. Please stay in touch with any progress or anything in general
> thanks
> Fawg


*It's like everything slows way down and is at the optimal pace.*

Yes, that happens to me too. everything feels slower but it feels right!. I found this forum 3years ago but I guess I just wasn't ready to talk...I'm glad I finally signed up. It's sad to feel that ppl from a forum I just joined know my situation better than the ppl around me, no offense intended. Thanks everyone.


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## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

Cynicalthoughts said:


> I'm glad I posted my question here because if anything I don't feel alone. Just reading something that says "I think I have something similar" is a bit of a relief. In any case, I want to focus on what you folks said about being a different person. That's it...That is exactly what I'm having issues with. It's like seeing the world with a completely different set of eyes. The best way I can put this is, the processor doesn't change, only the operating system does. Both Mac and PC use inlet chips but the way they process things and present them is very different.
> 
> Now family doesn't have a clue what's going on with me and I'm petty sure they think I'm weird and they're right however this is not about them.
> 
> ...


Again, you're hitting on some points that fit my situation to the T. My non DP self had a million friends. My Dp self though really like to be alone most of the time. I do have some friends, but sometimes being around them can drain me of energy. I think my mind is processing too much when I'm around people. Also, I think I'm very misunderstood. I think my quiet nature is misconstrued as being standoff-ish, when I'm really not trying to be that way at all. I can just be in my own world, almost oblivious to what's going on around me at times, and in reality it appears different to people. As far as the relationship aspect goes, I totally understand what you mean. I've pretty much avoided deep, long lasting relationships because I know I'm not my true self right now. And when in relationships, I can get really comfortable with someone, and totally lose sight of trying to get outta this DP. Like I get stuck in my role as being the bf, and stuck in being how she knows me in this mode. Outside of this forum, I've only shared the fact that I have DP with maybe one or two other people. But, I am coming outta this thing though. Everyday for the last week, I've had a repersonalization moment. It's very shocking though. I was reading how psychiatrists have to bring patients out of dissociation very, very slowly, or else they can traumatize the patient. And I can definitely see how that could happen. So much has happened since I've been DP'd. I've lost family members, moved several times, met new people, lost old friends, pretty much just a whirlwind of who knows what... I'm kind of glad that recovery is slow and sort of like an easy landing though. that's definitely a blessing
holler anytime
best
fog


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## Cynicalthoughts (Jun 24, 2011)

foghat said:


> Again, you're hitting on some points that fit my situation to the T. My non DP self had a million friends. My Dp self though really like to be alone most of the time. I do have some friends, but sometimes being around them can drain me of energy. I think my mind is processing too much when I'm around people. Also, I think I'm very misunderstood. I think my quiet nature is misconstrued as being standoff-ish, when I'm really not trying to be that way at all. I can just be in my own world, almost oblivious to what's going on around me at times, and in reality it appears different to people. As far as the relationship aspect goes, I totally understand what you mean. I've pretty much avoided deep, long lasting relationships because I know I'm not my true self right now. And when in relationships, I can get really comfortable with someone, and totally lose sight of trying to get outta this DP. Like I get stuck in my role as being the bf, and stuck in being how she knows me in this mode. Outside of this forum, I've only shared the fact that I have DP with maybe one or two other people. But, I am coming outta this thing though. Everyday for the last week, I've had a repersonalization moment. It's very shocking though. I was reading how psychiatrists have to bring patients out of dissociation very, very slowly, or else they can traumatize the patient. And I can definitely see how that could happen. So much has happened since I've been DP'd. I've lost family members, moved several times, met new people, lost old friends, pretty much just a whirlwind of who knows what... I'm kind of glad that recovery is slow and sort of like an easy landing though. that's definitely a blessing
> holler anytime
> best
> fog


About what you said regarding having to get out of DP slowly. I feel like my mind has been testing me to see if I can handle it. The truth of the matter, as I have come to learn first hand, is that as I slowly get out of DP I also have to face everything and I mean everything that caused it. there is no shortcuts here. Last night I had a conversation with a family member and a lot was said. I started remembering things I thought were lost memories but in fact they were just on hold. What I'm noticing is that the only way to get out of DP is to DEAL with what caused it and what made it worse. There is no other way, at least in my case. It's just a matter of if and when you can face your demons. When I hit a memory that feels a bit too much I get kicked right back into DP (a messed up but very effective defense mechanism). All in all, since I have been facing my demons (not because I want to but my brain just knows that it's time I really have no control over it) I have been able to sleep better, not normal but better. I have finally started to get some control over my thoughts. This is all a process and I don't know where it's leading me but we'll see. 
Foghat, it seems that we're on the same page when in comes to many aspects of DP. I am interested in your story if you don't mind sharing. I also posted mine under "stories". it's titles, yet another DP story.


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## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

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## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

Cynicalthoughts said:


> Foghat, it seems that we're on the same page when in comes to many aspects of DP. I am interested in your story if you don't mind sharing. I also posted mine under "stories". it's titles, yet another DP story.


Yeah no problem....catch me on chat. Sometimes I can't remember my whole story if I try to write it out. Holler anytime


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