# Ok Seriously, I just want to die RIGHT NOW



## Guest (Nov 25, 2009)

So last night I took L-theanine for the first time. It hit me hard. I was heavy sedated a very short while after taking it. I woke up this morning freaking the f*ck out. I was completely numb. I just kept staring off into space. It made my dp/dr insanely worse. It got (and still is) so bad that I called 911. I started crying before the ambulance got here and cried for a good 5 hours straight. The whole time everything and everyone seemed really far away. When I closed my eyes everything, myself and my thoughts included, just stopped existing. Then at the hospital I had what I swear was a heart attack. I started getting this horrible burning aching pain in my heart. It shot down my left arm and just kept coming in waves. Pretty soon it penetrated through my chest and down both of my arms. As the spell was ending they hooked me up to the ekg and it didn't show anything but I am nearly positive I did have atleast a minor heart attack. After that my perception of where I was at started to rapidly change. Suddenly everything got really clear visually and I couldn't remember where I was or how I got there. They discharged me from the hospital saying that it was just a bad reaction and that I would have to let it clear out of my system. So we came home and called my therapist because right now I am just completely unhinged mentally. She talked to a psychologist who said I need to start taking risperdal for the dp and they phoned it into my pharmacy. I BEGGED her to get me hospitalized because I honestly just cannot take this sh*t anymore. Because of my insurance I have to go to the emergency room tomorrow night and tell the social worker that I am going to kill myself or they WILL NOT admit me and give me help. So tomorrow I'm going to the emergency room and insisting that come hell or high water, I am going to kill myself. Not that this feeling is anywhere away from the truth. I honestly am being driven so insane by whatever has been happening to my brain ever since I took effexor that I do just want to die. I cannot go on living like this. Also, I'm really on the fence about taking the risperdal because I was on an antipsychotic before and while it didn't do much bad, it didn't do anything good either. I seriously am already about to snap from the bad effects of the l-theanine and if I take the risperdal and wake up tomorrow in any worse condition than I am in today, I just won't be able to handle it. 
So anyways, I guess dp has found the first person who simply isn't able to handle it. Starting tomorrow evening I will be living in a psych ward. If I don't show improve on the medications there, I will probably end up living in some nut halfway house. THIS IS EFFING AWESOME. Thank you universe for mind f*cking me and making me completely insane and incapable of continuing life without padded walls. AWESOME.
On second thought, maybe I DO need to be taking an antipsychotic...............


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## Guest (Nov 25, 2009)

Hey,

I'm really sorry that I called you tiny elder, I didn't mean any disrespect for it. You've been fun to have in the chat and someone to talk to. I'm saying this cause don't know when we'll see you again. I'm really concerned for you though and I will pray for you that you make it through this troubling storm. If and when you start thinking you want it all to end, just remember you've got friends and family out there who do care for you. Maybe you aren't able to see past the problems right now cause they are so many and so terrible. Here just listen to this song okay?






Peace, and Good Luck My Friend,
David


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

You are not the first one from the forum to be in the psychiatric ward and from what I remember they had a good experience and came out better. I feel so sorry for you. I wish I could help but I can barely take care of myself. I dont know what to say, despite how you may feel you are a great person and never forget that. It might be good to stay away from the internet for a while, but if they let you use a computer please let us know how you are doing  and if not, let us know when you get out 

Who will be taking care of your kids?

Peace and good luck.


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## Flare88 (Oct 22, 2009)

aww hun....hope you feel better soon. It was nice talking to you in chat. I was in a psych ward and it didn't help that much..but it was soooo nice to have people actually listen to me and care. My family wasn't supportive...but I'm sure things will get better for you. Hey- with this kind of problem what could be worse? It only gets better. You just have to believe that. Staying positive is the way out.  Hang in there and keep us updated.
With love and support, Christine.


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## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

Tiny,I almost cried reading your post.I can't even imagine the pain you are dealing with but please remenber that you will have friends here praying for your recovery,and in the middle of your great pain,think about your kids who you surely love so much.how would be their lives like without her mother's love?I know that now its hard to even think about it but give it a try.Having in mind the love that you have for your kids will allow you to recover sooner on this new journey of your live.You wil get through this.I also have two daughters who i love so much and its thinking about our mutual love what kept me fighting for life no matter the pain i feel.


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## PH26 (Nov 22, 2009)

tinyfairypeople said:


> So last night I took L-theanine for the first time. It hit me hard. I was heavy sedated a very short while after taking it. I woke up this morning freaking the f*ck out. I was completely numb. I just kept staring off into space. It made my dp/dr insanely worse. It got (and still is) so bad that I called 911. I started crying before the ambulance got here and cried for a good 5 hours straight. The whole time everything and everyone seemed really far away. When I closed my eyes everything, myself and my thoughts included, just stopped existing. Then at the hospital I had what I swear was a heart attack. I started getting this horrible burning aching pain in my heart. It shot down my left arm and just kept coming in waves. Pretty soon it penetrated through my chest and down both of my arms. As the spell was ending they hooked me up to the ekg and it didn't show anything but I am nearly positive I did have atleast a minor heart attack.


It really doesn't sound like you had a heart attack hun. For a start there is no 'burning', it's an ache/pressure and if it was minor, you wouldn't get it in both arms for a start.
Plus you would not have a normal EKG immediately afterwards, after I had my seizure I still had mild disruptions in my EKG (AND my EEG) and that was about a week later and it wasn't even my heart that was affected!
It is, to me anyway, fairly obvious that you have had a massive panic episode, and maybe some heartburn/mild angina - made worse by the panicking.
Troubles of the mind can be expressed in so many bizarre ways physically.
It seems like you do have an underlying panic disorder. One of the more common symptoms of anxiety/panic/dp etc is worrying about medical conditions you think you might have. I've done it myself many a time.
I hope you get a good rest and reassurance, I would certainly seek some advice about ways to deal with panic. I HIGHLY recommend anxietynomore . co . uk , Paul David's lil book helped me a lot and it's only like $20 or so. A lot of what he says is tied in on my 90% recovery post.
And please please please please please try and relax, you cannot expect recovery in days, or even weeks. 
As an aside, there have NEVER been ANY reported adverse effect to theanine, ever since the synthetic form started to be used in 1964. This includes it passing the Acute Toxicity/LD50 Determination, which uses concentrations of 5 grams per kilogram (of body mass). Also, it is involved in the synthesis of GABA so it has a relaxing effect, and has been shown to have anti-hypertensive properties (lowers blood pressure) as well as increasing the anti-tumour effects of chemotherapy. 
There have been no known interactions of theanine with other prescriptions or over the counter drugs.


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## Guest (Nov 25, 2009)

PH26 said:


> tinyfairypeople said:
> 
> 
> > So last night I took L-theanine for the first time. It hit me hard. I was heavy sedated a very short while after taking it. I woke up this morning freaking the f*ck out. I was completely numb. I just kept staring off into space. It made my dp/dr insanely worse. It got (and still is) so bad that I called 911. I started crying before the ambulance got here and cried for a good 5 hours straight. The whole time everything and everyone seemed really far away. When I closed my eyes everything, myself and my thoughts included, just stopped existing. Then at the hospital I had what I swear was a heart attack. I started getting this horrible burning aching pain in my heart. It shot down my left arm and just kept coming in waves. Pretty soon it penetrated through my chest and down both of my arms. As the spell was ending they hooked me up to the ekg and it didn't show anything but I am nearly positive I did have atleast a minor heart attack.
> ...


Yes, I am sure that there has NEVER EVER BEEN A PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH WHO HAS HAD A BAD REACTION TO L-THEANINE. OH WAIT! THERE WAS, ME!!! There is your first documented cased. Also, no, my chest pain was not from a panic attack but thanks dr. google.

To everyone else, thank you so much for all of your kind words. It means a lot to have your support and I will see you in a couple of weeks, hopefully feeling atleast better than I do today.


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## melbilnz (Oct 31, 2009)

Why are you going to a Psych ward? You already know what this is, anxiety, DP being one of it's many symptoms. It sounds like your real issue is panic disorder, not DP. Yes, people have had this for decades, but as we have read a million times, it goes when properly treated through CBT, etc. I am drug induced myself, but I know weed or LSD causes no damage and most cases, I have read us ex-drug users (which I hope most of us who did use drug are) involved a panic or anxiety reaction as well. Psych wards are for psychotics and we are nowhere near that. When stop feeling anxious and start talking to smurfs, that's when you are in trouble. I have even heard of some psychologists no longer classifying anxiety a true mental illness, but rather a natural reaction that can get out of control in some people if allowed.

Forget the drugs. Try CBT and relaxation techniques. Train your brain to get a grip like all the people who recovered did. I think you want instant results and that is NOT going to happen! Anxiety disorders take time, therapy, relaxation to treat. And it will suck for a while but that is the only way out.

I know you are a Christian, so remember the bible saying, help yourself and I will help you. (I have been a hypocrit on this lately, myself, but that is about to change). I have had this 3 1/2 years before realizing this crap is me sabotaging myself. I have done drugs, LSD 4 times and lots of pot, but I know both are reported to cause no brain damage other than freaking people out and leaving them with anxiety problems like this.

I also just found out that anxiety and depression run really strong in my family. My mom had DP symptoms when she was younger and my sister has panic attacks without derealization, although she seems to have experienced a few in her panic attacks but it never went into overdrive like ours did. Her panic attacks are more body symptoms. I think it depends on the person how you experience anxiety. We get DP, others get psychosomatic symptoms, some get OCD, etc.

I know some say this isn't anxiety, but if you feel great about having DP, why are they here? I have not heard of anyone who enjoyed having it.


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## PH26 (Nov 22, 2009)

tinyfairypeople said:


> PH26 said:
> 
> 
> > tinyfairypeople said:
> ...


"To everyone else" What the hell? How old are you, twelve?? How pathetic can you get, when people are trying to calm you down and help you. People that have put up with this crap
for over four years, for the record, and are nearly recovered, so maybe might have some understanding of it, and might actually be able to help you? Is that not the whole idea of this site? As well as having Science degrees and Nutritional Therapy qualifications. (Which I didn't get from Google, as it happens) Also, considering you had previously said how much sense my DP explanation made (posted under Phasedout24), I thought you might appreciate some advice.

I would like to clarify that I wasn't using a panic attack as a symptom in any form as an insult, in fact I was speaking from experience, sorry if it's not quite as dramatic as a heart attack, I'd have thought you would love to hear that it maybe wasn't something serious :?

I already said, "Troubles of the mind can be expressed in so many bizarre ways physically."
Perhaps I should have added 'horrible' 'distressing' 'disturbing' and 'unpredictable' because they can be all these things.

All I am trying to do is give some perspective here, it is pretty much impossible that theanine would cause such a reaction by itself (after 50 years of never causing any adverse reactions) especially as you had a night's sleep in between and it has a half life of only 3 hours (meaning it would have been metabolised and inactive within about 6 hours I'd imagine, depending on the dose) 
You'd think there would be at least one other such case in the last 50 years that it's been used outside of tea, especially with the LD50 testing (median lethal dose testing - means they try to find the dose that kills half of participants, they got to 5grams per kg of body weight and it still hadn't killed anyone or produced any adverse effects) in the face of such distress as you were showing I thought you might appreciate a bit of logic and common sense and facts to back that up.....again, my bad....

I did however assume that theanine is not the only thing you had taken, or eaten, or drunk, or that you never usually experience changes in the way you feel, or highs and lows in your DP (oh wait..) Seeing as it seems you haven't told your doctor about your supplements and are taking Klonopin also, is it really unreasonable to try and calm you down by suggesting that the first assumption might not be the case? Was it really that far fetched? Honestly??!?!

I also did say that other causes of the pain might be angina or heartburn/reflux combined with panic. Angina is unlikely though as it is usually brought on by physical exertion. Heartburn,
although actually in itself pretty harmless, can feel like what you would perceive a heart attack to. A common symptom of panic attacks is feeling like you are about to die, have a heart attack etc. I also very much doubt they would have sent you home if they had had any suspicion of one because of the risk of complications in the hours following one, if nothing else for fear of having the pants sued off them....again I fail to see why it would be a bad thing if it wasn't a heart attack :shock: I'm not attacking you, quite the opposite, I'm suggesting feasible alternatives.

I know it is difficult to distract yourself and not worry, but you have to practise/persist. The reason I recommended Paul David's book is because it explains all this in a lot more detail. And it really helped me.

Your reaction doesn't inspire me to be of any further help to be honest. Someone gives you a reasonable theory about something you were panicking about (which we have all done, I am sure, it's the nature of the beast unfortunately) but apparently no, that's not what you want to hear. Kind of at a loss if that's correct :shock:


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