# My story, 1 year and 5 months of dp and dr



## PharPhetched (Aug 18, 2015)

I appologize in advance if some of this seems scattered and not collected I often find I have a hard time wording things lately as well as explaining my self.

March 2014 is when all of my dp/dr started. I was a sophomore still and our teacher would obsess on one thing and thats all we done for 3 months, this particular thing I believe started it all for me. She made us watch 3 movies, do countless projects and tests over Julius Caeser. I think the obsession of having to do so much about him and the fact the story is quite morbid kind of pushed me over the edge, I've had anxiety/panic attacks since I started school at age 5, I will be 18 next month, so you can imagine how messed up my life was being in school having constant fear, I would always have panic attacks even going into school but especially when we had to read out loud or present a project. I've also never truly had a good sleeping pattern, and since the dp/dr I've had insomia occasionally and that doesn't help one bit. I feel tired all the time, no matter how many hours I sleep.

I often felt like I couldn't make up my mind like I couldn't think of what I wanted, for example, if me and my family went out to eat. I couldn't decide what to order and I would get anxious and frustrated and all but lose my cool. I cry a lot over small things, and sometimes I'll cry over nothing, I'll just start crying and don't know why. I also, as I hate to admit, masturbate, I've done this since I was 13, I used to be really bad, doing it 3+ times a *day*, then I got to where I could go a few weeks, even a few months with out doing it, here in the past week I orgasimed 6 times. This has made my dp/dr FAR worse. I feel weirder today than I ever have, the last time I did orgasm was sunday, the 16th. Afterwards I went to the store and I had to sit in my car for a good 10 minutes because I felt so weird, I felt extremely scared yet extremely calm, which in turn made me feel even more scared. I have never taken any meds for the anxiety nor the depression I've had off and on for the past 10+ years. I don't want to either if I can keep from that.

I don't feel like I recognize my family, friends or anybody I know. Its like I don't "remember" them, nothing feels real or even seems real, I can still tell the difference from things such as video games/movies from reality but real life seems fake as well. Memories also don't feel like they are mine, Like I never done those things, even when I watch old home movies I feel like "Who is that, that can't be me, I don't remember that!" It's both scary and disheartening because my grandpa died a few years back and those memories are all I have left and it doesn't feel like I even have that now. I have trouble remembering things, I used to be so good at remembering everything, even things others wouldn't. I have headaches often. I also don't feel temps like I used to, I picked up a pan out of an oven and I didn't even feel that it was hot. I know it had to be because it had been in there for 30 minutes set on 375 degrees.

I feel like I'm slowly fading out, like one day I'm going to be in a "vegetated state" or something. It's scary and I don't know what to do to come back from all of this, I desperately want to. It's as if the last almost year and a half has been wasted. Like I am just here, barely noticing each day, something that happened last month seems like it happened an hour ago because time doesn't seem to click with me anymore.

If anyone, can help me try to get atleast halfway back to normal or atleast stop this form progressing, because each day, each month seems to be worser than the last and I don't know just how far this can and will go. I truly need some help.


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## NobodysHome (Aug 19, 2015)

Hi there,

I am new to the site as well. I relate to this *so* much. Especially this part: "I don't feel like I recognize my family, friends or anybody I know. Its like I don't "remember" them"

I feel like I haven't gotten to know the people in my life. I feel like I did not make the memories I should have made. I try to remember things from my past and everything feels like a dream. I get mad at myself for not having "bonded" with people enough and then I realize that I have bonded with people and I have just forgotten the bond and forgotten how we connect.

It helps having other people to talk to about this because I don't want to burden my family members with this knowledge. I am going to try therapy and I would suggest it as an option for you too.

Sometimes when I'm feeling really detached, I watch a funny show or I read a very compelling book - that way I am distracted. It's not a permanent fix, but it distracts me in the moment.


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## PharPhetched (Aug 18, 2015)

Yeah it's a great struggle for me, I am nearly 18, I actually felt as if I had to drop out of school last year, That seemed the only way I could make it and be half way ok because I couldn't cope with this, especially around alot of noise and movements it overwhelmed me and I almost had a panic attack daily, I couldn't focus on my school work because often the other students would be talking or the teacher would be and I couldn't think/read and hear that too and when I would talk to friends I would have to ask them what they said several times to try to "understand" it.Since I've dropped out I have felt some what better, but I feel more isolated because I don't see friends as much. My future doesn't seem too bright, I am not hopeful for it as I feel like I won't get a job with my GED which I've almost gotten, Just need to get my test scores back, and I feel like I can't do college because I'll be the same way in there as in school which will stress me out.So I don't know what ot do :/


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## eter (Aug 21, 2015)

I actually think you seem highly collected, and I think you explain yourself very well. You do seem to suffer, very much.

As I get you, you have had ongoing problems with high anxiety and anxietyattacks for about 13 years. It seems like neither the school nor you family helped you to manage your anxiety.

Your sleep has never really been as it should, and you have had several periods of depression, the first when you were younger then 10 years.

You have lost a close relative in your youth, someone that meant something important to you.

After a period of high stress in school, you started to having trouble falling asleep at night, trouble making desicions of any kind and emotionally instabile.

You mention masturbating, like it is a problem you have. I do not fully understand if you regard masturbation itself as something bad, or, if you think you do it too often. But it is clear to me that you feel ashamed over something regarding your sexuality.

Everything overall led you to feeling incapable to stay in school, and you dropped out last year.

And at present, you feel disconnected to yourself and your surroundings. You have problems with your memory, headaches, you feel disoriented in time, feel like you have wasted a part of your live and you feel desperate, scared and you feel no hope for yourself or your future.

Lovely, lovely and so strong and young man. Nobody should suffer like this. Not for this long. You need to use professional help and emotional support.

You can feel very different from what you are feeling now. You will definitly at a point continue your education if that is your goal. I promise you. But what you need to do next, is to take help from firstly a psychiatrist and then also a psychologist. Do not try to manage this alone. Please. And be open to all help that is offered you, including trying medications.

There are several things with your post that kind of worries me. I would be very glad to follow up on how things are going for you.

❤


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## PharPhetched (Aug 18, 2015)

I just turned 18 two days ago and I feel like my dp/dr is getting worse. I now feel even more confused and distant from things, I feel like there are a hundred things going on in my mind and I can't focus on a single one of them. I forget I'm doing things and I'll think "hey I need to do ___" but in reality I've actually either already done it or I'm doing it then as I'm thinking of "doing it"


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## montrealcanadiens1996 (Sep 18, 2015)

I'm new here and I totally relate to what you are saying. I'm 19 and I've had this for about one year and 5 months also. I too feel that it is worsening and feel as if I can't recognize my girl or my family. It's as if there faces are foreign, like They have no memories attached to them, especially my girlfriend. This really freaks me out. I feel like dead mentally, and emotionally (I feel worsening apathy) like I can't absorb everything that's going on around me. It's as if I've lost all awareness of the outside world. I am also really forgetful and lose track of time and space. The worst feeling is not remembering, I feel as if I've forgotten cognitively who I am, I look in a mirror and each time it's like a different face is staring back at me and this has been damaging my relationships with my girlfriend and family. I also feel difficulty organizing and expressing my thoughts and creating complicated ideas. My creativity is almost gone. I feel as if I have no concentration. This has all caused me to enter in an extremely depressed state that is so powerful that it doesn't allow me to get out of bed. I also feel like I am disappearing, like I don't exist. When I talk its as if I don't realize I'm talking, it just rolls right off the tip of my tongue. I also feel when I'm doing things, it's not me who's doing them, I'm like being controlled and I barely am conscious that I am doing what I am doing which creates great reluctance in actually doing things. Also familiar places seem foreign also, I have zero attachment to them. I feel pretty anxious and agitated, but it comes in cycles, it's as if whenever I feel the symptoms worsening I get anxious for a week and then I get used to the worsening of symptoms and just am left to myself, comfortably numb, but greatly dissatisfied with life. I feel as if my mind is blank and I have nothing on it. I guess I relate to your story in a way.


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## Ningen (Apr 16, 2015)

How long have you had DP, montrealcanadiens1996?


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## montrealcanadiens1996 (Sep 18, 2015)

Ningen said:


> How long have you had DP, montrealcanadiens1996?


I've had it since late April 2014


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