# Self-confidence and depersonalization



## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

One think I find in common in almost everyone that suffers from DpD is low self-esteem, and low self-confidence (two different things).

And I've often wondered, if my depersonalization was somehow the main reason behind all my problems - My anxiety, my discomfort when engaging in conversation with the opposite sex, my worries, my fears, my thoughts.

And it turns out it is. At least in an indirect way, it is connected with all of the above.

Because whenever I am at my best in terms of self-awareness, I am also the most confident person in the world.

And I guess there's no surprise there: How could you possibly have enough confidence to speak your mind and, you know, just act normal in a social event if the situation itself isn't real in your mind?

What could possibly be more frightening than that?

In what way, could you gather enough will to be yourself, if you're not real, and the people around you aren't real?

Basically this was today's insight. And it feels good to have come up with this. Because this has always been a major issue for me.

And I was never able to understand why.

Why?

Because I was bullied in school when I was growing up? Because I was constantly made fun of by the girls in my class?

All of that is true. But come on. That shit has got to go away sometime.

And I've done therapy specifically designed to fix this shit. Low self-esteem and low self-confidence. Anxiety, stress and all that baloney.

The result? Zippo. Nothing. Still the same old, same old.

Well now I finally understand why.

You see I am at my best in terms of derealization when I drink shitloads of coffee (guess that's somehow related to caffeine).

And this morning I was able to chat with quite an attractive woman for some time.

The reason behind this?

I felt real. That woman felt real. Our conversation felt real.

I was myself again.

And considering I already overcame that high school bullying shit a long time ago, I was at last able to talk like a normal male of the species to a pretty lady.

Well, that's it folks, for now.


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## googleeyes (Apr 25, 2012)

I have found this to be true as well.
Think about the word "self-confidence."
You can't have confidence in yourself if you don't feel real, your mind feels like a traitor, and your body is reeling in horror. You simply don't have the base to draw upon.


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

googleeyes said:


> I have found this to be true as well.
> Think about the word "self-confidence."
> You can't have confidence in yourself if you don't feel real, your mind feels like a traitor, and your body is reeling in horror. You simply don't have the base to draw upon.


Exactly my point!

How can I possibly make a statement, as a living person, if in fact, I am not living at all?


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## googleeyes (Apr 25, 2012)

miguelmalato said:


> Exactly my point!
> 
> How can I possibly make a statement, as a living person, if in fact, I am not living at all?


It's difficult. The trick is in rebuilding that base. You may feel really weird but you need to start finding and identifying parts of you. Accept all of the mental and physical symptoms as a temporary part of you, but find a YOU in there.


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

Well, to be honest that seems pretty impossible to me.

I've always been a guy that just couldn't control his fate, but somehow was aware of his inability to change things.

For instance, in heavy social situations, I often felt extremely intimidated by the presence of others.

Sometimes this would go to extremes, provoking reactions you couldn't possibly imagine. On one occasion, I actually froze and I couldn't say a word. I didn't even have the confidence to shake a man's hand, or to pronounce my name properly.

But then I started to pay attention to this lack of capability.

That realization somehow relived my anxiety - I still felt extremely anxious, and that had several effects upon my behavior. But now I was aware of it, so I kinda knew what was coming you know?

Things don't hit you as hard when you are expecting certain results.

But now, I seem to have reached a stalemate. Counting on feeling anxious in a social situation isn't enough.

I have to tackle my DpD directly.

And that's what I'm doing right now, considering I have been doing 2 EMDR sessions per week.

And so far it's doing wonders


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

Not everyone with dp has social anxiety


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

seafoamwaves said:


> Not everyone with dp has social anxiety


I think this is bigger than just "social anxiety"

Or are you going to tell me you feel great about yourself and you have great self-esteem?


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## seafoamwaves (Sep 20, 2013)

Hell no, I have low self esteem too. I just wonder why different people are anxious for different reasons, like does low self esteem cause anxiety?


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## miguelmalato (Jan 9, 2012)

I think it goes both ways...


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## sunshinita (Aug 13, 2013)

I think that my anxiety causes my self-esteem not the other way around ;D


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