# Going to the doctor today...



## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

My appointment is at 11am, so I'm going to be leaving the house within about an hour. I'm nervous, as always. I still don't feel like I'm part of things. It's like I don't understand life or reality anymore. I don't feel human. It's like I've forgotten how to be me. I still feel weird inside my own body. I can't even put it into words... it's like I can't fathom my own viewpoint. I still feel almost like I'm watching a movie of my own life, or more accurately, playing a video game of my own life. I still know how to do everything I used to do, I say things that I would normally say, but everything _feels_ different. It's an awareness, really, isn't it? How do you shut off an awareness? I feel like this is going to be like trying to put the genie back in the bottle, like I've opened a Pandora's box that I wasn't meant to see. I'm going to ask for clonazepam today, and I'm going to discuss with my doctor whether I should stop taking the Wellbutrin. The ridiculous thing is, the only thing that depresses me is this awful feeling that I'm not part of the world anymore, that I don't even know what the world is, that I can't just sit back and let life be without overanalyzing every little part of it. I'm scared that this feeling will never go away. It has before, but I wonder now if it's just worse than it has ever been. Of course, there were moments yesterday when I felt almost normal, and the rational part of me keeps telling myself that as soon as I stop worrying, once I get some meds and start talking to a therapist, this will get better. I've been through it before, and it's gotten better before. But the past couple of years when I felt "normal," was it just because I "forgot" about this awareness? My biggest fear is insanity, which is odd, because in every other way, I'm perfectly sane. I still think in a normal way, I can still reason and use logic, I can still function, although it feels like I'm dead inside. It's like I'm a ghost of myself, like my emotional self is completely separate from my "logical" self. I can process facts and logical things, but I can't make myself believe them. Logically, I read he symptoms and I think this is DP/DR, but the neurotic, freaked out part of me says, what if it isn't? What if I'm the only person in the world who has ever gone through this? What if I'm the one exception to every rule? Has anyone else ever felt this way, or am I _really_ the exception?


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

lol I have felt like that. Like I'm the only one who is experiencing this and it's something totally different from DP. But it is DP.
I'm going to the doctor today, too! 1:45 pm is my appointment time. Keep us updated!


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## Guest (Jan 2, 2009)

Good luck. Let us know how you get on. It sounds like you're - despite what you wrote about not being able to put it into words - very good at articulating your, our condition.

I've got an appointment/assessment on the 5th. To say I'm figuratively soiling myself with worry doesn't do it justice.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Do you guys get severely DP'ed in doctor's offices or is that just me? I think it's the combination of being in a small space with a closed door, bright lights and that sterile feel of the room. I get anxious every time I go. :?


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## Guest (Jan 2, 2009)

Doctor's waiting rooms are like breeding grounds for panic with me. It must be a mixture of anticipatory nervousness and being in a room with several people who aren't aware of my condition. I know that if I have a panic attack there's literally nothing I can do but suffer it through. I can't pace around doing breathing exercises, I can't heed to my natural panic attack instinct to flee the scene where the panic attack began. Well, I could, but both outcomes would just generate more problems.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

I know what you mean and it sucks. It's horrible to have to sit there and suffer through a full blow panic attack in silence. It almost makes me wish I could appoint someone to go to the doctor for me. lol


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## Jelly_Boo (Oct 14, 2008)

Believe me when I say you are definitely not the only person in the world who feels EXACTLY the same way as you, because I know I do. It's too hard to even begin to describe it.. but I must say I think you did a good job. I wish you luck with your doctors appt. ^^
Keep smiling,
~Katy.


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## hippieho (Dec 19, 2008)

gl on your appointment. the worst for me is in the waiting room i always get nevous and it feels like everyone is looking at me and i feel like im freaking out. i told my doctor about dp and she said shes never heard about it so its really anoying for me because she doesnt know what to do. i dont even know what to do.. hope you had a happy new years and hope your apponitment was alright.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

Thanks for the encouraging words, all. Actually, for some strange reason, I felt a sense of relief when I was in the doctor's office. I still felt very strong DP/DR while I was waiting for her, but when I sat down and started talking to her, I felt a little calmer, like finally I was explaining my situation to someone with a medical degree, rather than just a lay person who might tell me that I just need to stop thinking about it. She suggested I immediately stop taking the Wellbutrin and switch to Zoloft, and much to my relief, she did give me a prescription for clonazepam. She also ordered blood work to check my thyroid... I only wish my problem were as simple as that. I'd love for someone to tell me that I have a thyroid problem. I'd gladly undergo surgery or take a pill every day if it would rid me of this problem for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I'm about 99% sure it's not my thyroid, because I've had this problem before and it was never my thyroid. After going to the doctor and getting my labs done, I went to lunch and did a bit of shopping with my mother. I even managed to smile a couple of times. Still, though, I've got this persistent feeling that life is not what it used to be, that I'm still in some kind of illusion. Again, logically, I know that I am real, and that everything around me is real, it just doesn't _feel_ that way. My doctor also gave me a list of names of therapists and psychiatrists to try, and I chose one who is also a neurologist. I chose this one because I've got a history of migraines, and I figure maybe I can kill two birds with one stone. I think the thing that would make me happiest is if she'd tell me that all of my emotional/mental problems are due to my migraines, and if I just avoid this food or take this medicine or do this exercise every day, I'll never be bothered again. Of course, I highly doubt it'll be that simple. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my insurance will cover a visit with her, because I feel like she really would be well-equipped to handle my problem. All I can do now is sit back and wait for my prescriptions to be filled and for the psychiatrist to call back and schedule an appointment for me.

My current biggest fears/obsessions:
1. I'm focused a lot on my head. I get ridiculous thoughts like... why is the head where all my consciousness comes from? Why is it situated at the top of my body and not, say, in the middle? I wonder how eyesight works and if I'm truly seeing things correctly (this kind of bleeds over into DR).
2. I wonder about identity -- why I'm me and not somebody else. What makes me _me?_ I get the strange sensation that I am the one thing I cannot escape, that life itself is inescapable, and that no matter what happens (well, until it ends), you will keep on breathing and thinking and doing. (That's the only way I can think to describe it.)
3. I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state, like whatever happened today didn't really happen. I get frightened that life itself has no meaning, that I'll never be interested in doing things again, that life will never feel the way it used to. Again, how do you go back from having an "awareness," so to speak?


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## hippieho (Dec 19, 2008)

glad your doctors appointment went ok. i have thoses same fears and obsesions i feel like what if ive bin in a dream or some coma for this long and this isnt real i feel like anyday there going to pull the plug its really weird im not really good at explaining things i wasnt the smartest kid in the class but now i cant even go to school without freaking out cuz i belive i also have hppd and depression so i dont get out much unless if i go out for a few minuts with my mom or dad theres soo much more im thinking about in my head but i just cant get it through to explain. but anyways glad you had a good day or aleast a decent one.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

At the risk of jinxing myself, the remainder of the day has gone very well. I still get a bit of DP/DR, but it's mostly a whisper in the background, and I'm easily able to get my mind off it and onto other things. I'm leery of the Zoloft (it's 50mg once a day), so I decided to take half a pill each day for a week and see how I do. If that works okay, I'll start taking a whole pill each day. I think the big problem with the Wellbutrin (I was taking 150mg once a day) is that I jumped into it too quickly and the influx of medication into my brain was just too much all at once. I also took half of a .5mg tablet of clonazepam, and I'm feeling calm without feeling doped or comatose, which is exactly what I want. I was feeling pretty okay at this time last night, so I'm hesitant to say that the drugs are taking a huge effect already, but I'd rather stay optimistic and say that they are. If it gets worse, I've got the clonazepam, and I can take up to 1mg per day. Unfortunately, the doctor I wanted is not covered by my insurance, but I'm looking into a couple other providers in the area who specialize in anxiety and disassociative disorders (of which DP/DR is one), among other things. That way I'll be sure to see someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. I will definitely keep everyone posted. In the meantime, I'm so, so happy to have the clonazepam. Things are looking up a bit.


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## invisible.ink (Feb 2, 2007)

Glad things went reasonably well for you. I've been on Zoloft in the past and was prescribed it again today. It worked well for me. I hope it works well for you.
I envy you. You got the clonazepam and I didn't.  Oh well. I'll live, I suppose.


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## nytesprite (Dec 3, 2005)

It's good to know that Zoloft worked for you... my stepfather's doctor tried to put him on a couple of different antidepressants for his anxiety and he said they made them worse, so I was a little nervous about taking it. If I start feeling any worse, I'll probably stop it and see how I do on just the clonazepam alone. Any reason your doctor wouldn't give it to you?


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