# ACTUALLY recovering. Please Read.



## 59Ballons

I have been dealing with depersonalization, and resulting anxiety for the past 5 months. That "weird" feeling of being alive that I could never place... I have finally figured it out. I have had short and extended moments of DP/DR which make everything feel foreign, and make ME feel foreign (from life itself) which subsequently leads to a wash-over of anxiety and more weird thoughts. This also came along with a mixed-bag of strange feelings, ranging from feeling TOO aware of my existence on earth, feeling restless, having extreme bloating and bad gas, feeling nauseous, weird dreams, to helpless feelings and thoughts, even to deep-thoughts and racing panic, ALL over the thought of being alive and human in the first place. It was almost like life itself was a paradox.

I have ALWAYS known that distracting myself made me feel better. I have always been able to successfully distract** myself and feel momentarily relief, ONLY to find myself back into the DP/DR trap.. thinking that the DP/DR symptoms ("weird feeling" and anxiety) was my life now.

After continuous pondering over my 5 month conundrum, I thought of many fixes and remedies to this problem, but none worked because I felt like my "underlying problem" was the "fact" that my real life was the DP/DR symptoms! Sort of a "what is the point, feeling okay now doesn't matter because life is only full of DP/DR" mindset, (feeling hopeless and too aware of being alive) if you will.

I did eventually reach the conclusion in my brain that distraction worked.. and it seemed to be the only thing that worked. And by distraction, I mean **engaging myself in an activity, conversation, or other mindset, to the point where I don't feel any anxiety or DP/DR symptoms AND/OR I stop obsessing over my DP/DR thoughts.** This leads to a sudden feeling of unreality and dread when my thoughts begin to wonder again after I cease being distracted.. almost like an "oh crap, I forgot that my life is really only DP/DR filled."

I had week-long periods of feeling okay because I would force myself to ignore the DP/DR. Unfortunately, because I didn't fix the underlying DP/DR, I would always have an "oh crap, I forgot that my life is really only DP/DR filled" moment which would send me off into another three weeks of constant mixed-bag symptoms discussed above.

But it hit me like a brick this Monday. On my bus ride to school, I was in deep thought and incredibly anxious and DP/DR filled. I felt very hopeless (much more than usual) and I honestly didn't know if I could take this much longer. I got to school and started chatting with my friends before class.. and I noticed the usual retreat of symptoms once I got pre-occupied and distracted. Then I had the "oh crap..." thought again, but this time, I stopped myself. I took a second and all of a sudden, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. For the first time ever, I actually realized that my life wasn't only DP/DR and anxiety. My real life was feeling normal! (as I do when I am distracted). All of the weird thoughts and feelings that I have dealt with during these last 5 months all occurred in a DP/DR MINDSET. LIFE itself wasn't sullied for me... I only thought it was because of all the underlying dread from these scary DP/DR symptoms!!

I took a deep breath, and I continued on. I eventually distracted myself fully.. and I had forgotten about these past 5 months and was only focused on schoolwork. A half-hour later, I started to feel DP/DR again.... but instead of feeling scared or obsessed over the symptoms... I just told myself that these weird feelings are only DP/DR, and my real life is me feeling NORMAL. It worked, and I was able to continue on, without being fully distracted.

I honestly, truly believe that I am finally on my way to recovering. Distraction itself isn't the *full* treatment, you need to physically and mentally recognize that the mixed-bag DP/DR and Anxiety symptoms AREN'T YOUR LIFE!! You need to acknowledge the DP/DR thought when it comes, and simply not let it make you anxious or obsessed. THIS WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT AT FIRST.. AND I KNOW AS WELL AS ANYONE ON THIS SITE *JUST* HOW BAD DP/DR AND ANXIETY IS. IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT. You know that you have DP/DR. You've had it for the last 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, whatever months. Years. And what has happened to YOU? You haven't dissolved into thin air, you haven't DIED, you have only been living in a state of anxiety and DP/DR. You have only been living in a living Hell. Your real life is still there. It's only waiting for you to dig it up again. It's waiting for you to ACCEPT that the DP/DR ISN'T THE "TRUTH" AND START LIVING LIFE NORMALLY AGAIN.

It is Thursday, September 25th, and these past 4 days have felt like the longest days I have ever felt within these past 5 months. The DP/DR and anxiety are retreating, and the day's aren't FLYING by like they were with DP/DR.

The DP/DR thoughts are still here... but they are coming less and less... and I am dismissing them. Last afternoon I physically SAT down in my kitchen as I felt totally alien and so fake, very strong feelings of DP/DR and instead of obsessing over it or IGNORING it, I just rode it out, and it passed, (thinking how *these thoughts aren't me, and they are just the DP/DR.*) and I felt mentally normal again after only about 5 minutes. On any other day, that feeling would have lasted about 4 hours. I AM STILL HERE. Dismissing the DP/DR is working... *along* with distraction, and I am recovering. Please. You can do this. You have the strength to continue. Accept your previous life again.

I have faith in you all. If you're reading this, that means that you've made it through your DP/DR so far and are still here. ROCK ON, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU FUCKING ROCK.


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## 59Ballons

Today is October 4th and these past two weeks have been amazing. I have continued to use this strategy to dismiss strange thoughts, and they are seriously happening less and less. Not that I don't have a few bad hours every now and then.. But the original fear is gone and I am not getting caught up in this shit any longer. I feel normal again. I feel HUMAN again!!

I feel like I finally have purpose in life again.


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## AusHusky

Good too hear 

I am having trouble accepting it as depersonalization, im still not sure what is happening to me, i fear my symptoms are different to everyone elses. But yes as u said, being distracted makes me feel almost 'normal' again. I like to bring my phone with me to places and play games on it to get my mind off the panic. It helps majority of the times but sometimes the panic and worry is too much.


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## ThisCreatedAccount

Wow! Amazing post  god bless


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## 59Ballons

It is now March 28, the anniversary of my DP hell.. And 6 months after this post, I am still feeling normal. You can beat this shit. I know you can.


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## seafoamneon

I agree with you. It's hard to try to fix an "underlying issue" when DP itself causes alot more issues than you even started with lol


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## pianogirl

this post is so good and made me so happy and hopeful! thank you so much i'll try this out. how old are you?


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## Xiggypop

Ah, this nearly made me cry, I'm going through my third bought I believe of dp and it's so discouraging. I'm actively attempting to work through my issues this time though instead of running away from them. Thank you for this post and your updates! So happy for you!


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## jenndp

Thank you so much for posting this - in the thick of dp right now and I badly needed some hope. I wish you the best in your recovery .


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## Surfer Rosa

At first, reading about how "real life was DP/DR" for you, I started to get annoyed for you. Then I got to the part where you said, "This, [talking to my friends], was my normal life!" Chills. See, I always thought of my life as DP/DR and "normal life", but I never realized how much of that was up to me.


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## plaidpajamas

This is a reminder that you CAN recover from DP.

I already have and I know I can again.

Thanks for the inspiration!


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## sb87

Awesome. So beautiful when you come out of it. In 2013 I recovered and went on to do some amazing shit. Distract distract distract is KEY.
Distraction is important. Momentum is important, whatever momentum of thinking the mind has, it runs with it. So talk less and less and less about dp, find the easiest non forced way to distract.


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## Pondererer

I really recognize myself in the whole being able to distract yourself for a while and feel pretty normal, but no matter what the DP/DR would always come back, just as you said. Eventually i just gave up because i knew it always came back and it took so much effort to always distract. Which made things drasticly worse!

These days i'm better off and i'm doing what you described, which i think now is absolutely key. The thoughts are coming as usual, but you just kind of allow them to drift by without engaging in them, until they lay off for a while. Rinse and repeat.


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## Pondererer

sb87 said:


> Awesome. So beautiful when you come out of it. In 2013 I recovered and went on to do some amazing shit. Distract distract distract is KEY.
> Distraction is important. Momentum is important, whatever momentum of thinking the mind has, it runs with it. So talk less and less and less about dp, find the easiest non forced way to distract.


100% agree, especially the momentum part!


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## mjones

Old post but chances is OP had lymes disease. MA is the number one state for lymes disease with a HUGE infection rate.


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