# I'm at my wits end.



## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I can't do this anymore. The existential terror is too much. I've thought so much about it, that I think I'm dead. Or actually in a movie. I really think I'm the only person in the world. All I can verify is myself. I can only see out of my eyes and that's never going to change, so I don't think I'm ever going to be able to go back to believing in the existence of others... I'm convinced life before this never happened. Everything is so unfamiliar that I get confused and sometimes lost. My name upsets me. Sounds so foreign and new. My parents and boyfriend are like strangers. Everywhere I go, I feel like I don't belong there. Like it's not mine... My memories are disappearing, large chunks at a time.. And the ones that are left, don't feel like mine, and I don't know what "mine" even means. I've tried DBT, CBT, Yoga, QiGong. I've been in therapy with a disassociative counselor since day one of this, which was just over 5 months ago. And I've gotten worse... I feel like the last 5 months didn't happen either. The only thing that exists is this moment.. I barely eat, from the constant panic... I sleep terrible, the irrational racing thoughts and brain chatter make me feel like I need to be commited..I feel dead inside.. Everything comes back to the existential terror. How can I work on fixing myself as a person, when I can't even comprehend what a PERSON is, or how I AM one... I'm supposed to work on my past traumas but I can't fucking remember them!! I don't remember most of my life. I remember almost nothing prior to age 11 or so. And everything after that is blurry and I question if it ever happened.. My memories are just disappearing. Entire years. Even the good parts.. It all just fucking disappeared when the DP/DR hit...I've tried Valium and Xaxax, no help at all.. My body parts appear foreign and strange.. I see a psychiatrist in two days for medication, but then what? Half of them make DP/DR worse, the other half take 2 months to kick in.. I'm about to commit myself, or kill myself. I'm sorry for the negativity. But I can't do this anymore. Am I already psychotic? I'm scared of existing. I don't understand it. I don't understand anything. Pllease someone help. Reassure me. Am I like a really severe case, because I can't understand How anyone survives this


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## Guest (Jun 7, 2015)

People deal with the situations differently, you could have a severe case but that won't change much, we all have the thoughts. I agree with SW, there's not much we can do from here being a forum, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself please get to a hospital immediately.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

For what? There's no cure for this shit lol. What is a hospital going to do? Lock me up in yet another unfamiliar place? Lol that's going to help.


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## intothequarry (May 16, 2015)

Sam1814 said:


> For what? There's no cure for this shit lol. What is a hospital going to do? Lock me up in yet another unfamiliar place? Lol that's going to help.


They're going to give you something to take the edge off for a while until you can cope.


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## Irene (Nov 13, 2014)

I agree...hospital for sure.


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

So no one else has been "here" before?


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## 1968mbjstl (Jun 2, 2015)

I've been where you are. I've been fighting this syndrome to some degree for years. Please get to a hospital ASAP and get these suicidal thoughts under control. Giving up on ourselves only exacerbates this condition. Hang in there Sam1814!


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## Sam1814 (Dec 24, 2014)

I can't understand how all these replies are related to my suicidal thoughts. I don't want to die- but I do NOT want to live. Not like this anyways. I don't even know how you people function, if all of you are really on my level. I can't function. I can't eat, sleep, move, or breathe.... I just exist, which is incomprehensible anyways, and panic. I post asking about which meds help which symptoms, and get no responses. I do the steps in the holy grail religiously. How are any of you FUNCTIONAL! That's what I need to know. How supposedly all of you are suffering from the same symptoms as me, but my suicidal thoughts are abnormal? How have you all NOT had suicidal thoughts?


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## Sportsdude8 (Apr 25, 2015)

It really fucking sucks. I know that ur going thru the worst of it all. I'm really sorry for this happening to you. If you do need help tho, which I believe you do, go and check yourself in. You matter in this world.. We all do. We are going thru similar situations for reasons we don't understand. I believe we all have hope even tho it seems like there is none. You will get better just believe and if u have to get hospitalized take that as you want to get help not that you are crazy. Prayers for you ????????


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## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

You are going through chronic DP and anxiety..I can totally relate to what you are going through..I have had several episodes like what your experiencing throughout my life..The good news is it passes but you may need to be hospitalised and put on stronger doses of meds..just to take the edge off..DO NOT suffer in silence..You must make your family understand you are suffering like this..It will ease in time I promise!


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## redlokacele (Jun 9, 2015)

Hey Sam. Look. You are going to have to CHOOSE to stop thinking. Literally choose to turn off all of your thoughts. When thoughts flare up about anything existential, DISTRACT YOURSELF. Watch any media. In order to fight this, you are going to have to accept that you have a disorder, even if you don't believe that at all in your current state. I never believed that I had a disorder when I was in that state. I thought I was seeing life for what it truly was. And maybe I was, who the fuck cares. It doesn't matter if you actually have a disorder or if life really is viewed more accurately from depersonalized perception. The bottom line is that the way that everyone else is experiencing life FEELS BETTER than the way that you are experiencing life. So right now you are going to have to make a choice. You are going to have to choose whether you want to live your life experiencing it the way you are right now, or the way that your boyfriend and mother and previous self experience it. If you want to get back to how you were, then you are going to have to accept that something is wrong and go on auto-pilot. That is the key word that helped me get better IMO. I had to turn off my racing thoughts about people's faces/perception/existence/whatever, and put my body on auto-pilot without thoughts. The psychologist might not be working because she's making you THINK and question things more. Just chill and you will get better very slowly. You will have to listen to your body at each stage of recovery. Watch people around you who perceive normally and try to mimic it. Trust that you can get better and you will start too. I LOVE YOU and I'm rooting for you.


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