# Hello Old Friends...!



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hey everyone - haven't been on here in quite some time, but i'm a veteran of this site. It always comforts me when I come back to see very few of the same people from last time I was here - as it likely means my old friends are doing fine.

When I was last here I was slowing withdrawing from Benzos (Klonopin) which proved much harder than I ever thought possible considering at my peak I was only on 1mg per day. Withdrawal was hell but I was feeling pretty damn good and I knew I didn't want to be on Benzos for the rest of my life so I hung in there. I was Benzo free for quite a while, and now take only the occasional benzo (maybe two tablets of 0.5 mg per month). I was also on Lexapro, which I found did nothing for me except made me fat and constantly tired. I made the decision against my doctors advice to take myself off them. Because my doctor wouldn't give me 10mg tablets I was required to go from a 20mg per day, to 10 mg per day for a few weeks, and then stop cold turkey. It was pretty brutal - i was agitated all the time and and had OCD thoughts through the roof.

I've sort of bounced back from that, but have been having a rough week so I thought i'd stop in here.

I like to always leave a message of positivity because there often isn't enough of that here: All of you are fine. Those of you who don't feel fine, will again. You're all warriors - keep battling! For eight years now i've battled severe anxiety, even more severe depersonalization and derealization, OCD thoughts, you name it. The DP/DR were one of the toughest to kick but I did it.

Anyways - lately i've been feeling intense thoughts that I am a bad person. I have this OCD thing where I fear that I will become a serial killer, or that I will harm my friends or family, or that I will harm myself, or go crazy, etc. I obsess over them and they feel horrifically real to me. Hence my bad week. Like many of us, my mind is horribly creative and imaginative and any time I battle and defeat one symptom it finds something else to bother me with. I don't really expect many of you to relate here, but I just needed to get it off my chest as it all makes me scared. I hate going downhill even a little bit because I find it such a slippery slope - so many times i've relapsed into total hell.

All that said = I'll keep battling, and hope all of you soon get to a place where you feel you are beating this thing.

Cheers...

Matt

PS - Anyone here tried Valerian as a benzo-alternative? After taking a benzo a couple days ago and then feeling extremely anxious again today I want to look into an alternative. I'm constantly mindful that taking multiple benzos in a week could lead to another addiction. Looking for thoughts on valerian?


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## Rogue Bullies (Jun 1, 2010)

Hello there welcome back!

I can relate to a lot of the things you described like the OCD and obsessive thoughts, anxiety etc. DP/DR has been the hardest for me to handle as well. I think I tried valerian root once and I believe it calmed me down, but I really don't have enough experience with it to say whether or not it would help you. Everyone is different, but I would give it a try since you are trying to wean off the meds. I use this stuff called rescue remedy that helps calm me down and its a natural drop forum supplement. Keep battling as will I. Wish you well!









BTW how long did it take u to shake the DP?


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

> It always comforts me when I come back to see very few of the same people from last time I was here - as it likely means my old friends are doing fine.


Thats awesome!


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Rogue Bullies said:


> BTW how long did it take u to shake the DP?


I had two separate bouts of it (as well as it always lingering around on and off whenever my anxiety peaks). The worst was about a two year period early in University where I did not feel that any of my surroundings were real. I was dropped down the 'Alice in Wonderland' rabbit hole so to speak.

It was a horrific and traumatic experience. I was always convinced I was never going to get better, and I was also convinced that my condition was worse than anyone else's on this board. That no one else could possibly be suffering the way I was and still seem so calm on here.

Anyways - It was a long and slow process. There was no 'A HA, ITS GONE' moment. It just slowly went from me spending all my day feeling unreal and analyzing how real I felt, to only noticing it a few times a day, until one point I looked back to the past and could hardly even remember what it felt like to have DP/DR anymore. I was so engaged and involved in my reality that DP/DR was just forgotten. Never would I ever have believed that was possible.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

BlueTank said:


> Thats awesome!


Not sure why the 'unsure' face. Perhaps you are questioning if it means they have been locked up in an asylum or something?

I can assure you that any of them i've talked to through e-mail, messengers, etc. to indeed moved on with their lives - DP free.


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## Rogue Bullies (Jun 1, 2010)

Matt210 said:


> I had two separate bouts of it (as well as it always lingering around on and off whenever my anxiety peaks). The worst was about a two year period early in University where I did not feel that any of my surroundings were real. I was dropped down the 'Alice in Wonderland' rabbit hole so to speak.
> 
> It was a horrific and traumatic experience. I was always convinced I was never going to get better, and I was also convinced that my condition was worse than anyone else's on this board. That no one else could possibly be suffering the way I was and still seem so calm on here.
> 
> Anyways - It was a long and slow process. There was no 'A HA, ITS GONE' moment. It just slowly went from me spending all my day feeling unreal and analyzing how real I felt, to only noticing it a few times a day, until one point I looked back to the past and could hardly even remember what it felt like to have DP/DR anymore. I was so engaged and involved in my reality that DP/DR was just forgotten. Never would I ever have believed that was possible.


I feel the same as you did. The worst feeling I get is questioning myself on why I am here and if I am or was ever real. Then I question what is real? I make myself literally sick with these questions. I almost feel like I don't understand me as a person anymore or who I am or ever was. I have only had it for about 2 months it got a bit better for a few weeks, but then I had some stress and panic attacks so its full board again. I hope I can shake it soon glad you hear you got better


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Matt210 said:


> Not sure why the 'unsure' face. Perhaps you are questioning if it means they have been locked up in an asylum or something?
> 
> I can assure you that any of them i've talked to through e-mail, messengers, etc. to indeed moved on with their lives - DP free.


Sorry Matt. I shot that off really fast before I left work. I do have a real response.

Thats great that you are doing well! I think all the newer people on here could always use somebody like you coming back and saying that it gets better... Especially since you said you had such a horrible case. That gives me hope!

I understand what your saying about the thoughts. I've been doing better lately, but for a while I was deep in thinking about losing it or whatever. And also the "being a bad person" type of thing that I believe comes (for me) from the depression that came after getting DP/DR. I think in these cases its best to think about what others say about you and also remember the people that are actually bad people.

I have only tried Valarian pills for sleeping. I'd be super curious myself if valarian could stack up to a benzo in some manner. I do know that some people use Kava Kava to bring the brain chatter down a notch.

I want to ask you about Klonopin. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he prescribed it to me. He wanted me to take .5mg 4x a day! With possibly taking 1mg for the 4th one at night for sleep. After research I decided to just take .5 or 1mg at night for sleep and not take it during the day. I've taken .5 a couple times during the afternoon just to see. I saw him again today and he is really wanting me to follow his original plan. 4x a day and try to get outside more and go do things. He said I wont get addicted and he'll help with that, where we kind of burst with it and then taper off over time, but that I may need that initial burst to get me going.

How does that sound to you? I don't really know that klonopin is going to have me out singing in the rain or anything. On the average I kinda stick to myself, and hten occasionaly i'll go do whatever I want. I would figure I'd just take it then instead of being on it all the time...

Any advice is appreciated.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

BlueTank said:


> I want to ask you about Klonopin. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he prescribed it to me. He wanted me to take .5mg 4x a day! With possibly taking 1mg for the 4th one at night for sleep. After research I decided to just take .5 or 1mg at night for sleep and not take it during the day. I've taken .5 a couple times during the afternoon just to see. I saw him again today and he is really wanting me to follow his original plan. 4x a day and try to get outside more and go do things. He said I wont get addicted and he'll help with that, where we kind of burst with it and then taper off over time, but that I may need that initial burst to get me going.
> 
> How does that sound to you? I don't really know that klonopin is going to have me out singing in the rain or anything. On the average I kinda stick to myself, and hten occasionaly i'll go do whatever I want. I would figure I'd just take it then instead of being on it all the time...
> 
> Any advice is appreciated.


Hey,

I'm no doctor so take my advice with a grain of salt, but your doctors plan sounds like a bad idea to me.

First - if you are taking 2mg of Klonopin daily you WILL get addicted. Addiction varies from person to person but I can assure you it will be difficult to get off it.

That being said, addiction is often a risk people are willing to take if they are seeing the benefits.

The second thing I take issue with in terms of your docs idea is starting high and bringing you down slowly - absolutely if you are coming off you will need to taper super slow. But if you are treating anxiety and DP you may need benzos for a while. You will develop a tolerance and have to increase your doses to get the same result - so why START high?

My advice would be to take a low dose - maybe once in the morning and once in the evening and see if you feel improvement. If you feel you are getting some improvement and could benefit from a higher dose THEN take the next step.

Hopefully this makes sense to you. I found benzos extremely effective - but my DP was strongly anxiety driven. They may or may not work for you.

Edit: I also should have said that many people I know (including me now) take benzos exactly as you said : when needed. If you aren't living in a constant state of terror like I was, this might also be the best course for you.


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## BlueTank (Jun 2, 2010)

Matt210 said:


> Hey,
> 
> I'm no doctor so take my advice with a grain of salt, but your doctors plan sounds like a bad idea to me.
> 
> ...


Ok thanks Matt, and that's more or less what I thought.

He originally prescribed me .1mg and siad 1/2 4x's a day with perhaps whole at night. When I went to the pharmacy they didn't have .1mg ofcourse so they had to call him the next morning, then call me. I came in and got my meds. The prescription being the exact same only 1mg, not .1mg.

About the starting high... Today, what he drew out on paper was a slope graph that went up sort of quickly and then tapered off slowely. __..--^^---....________

But yeah he said half 4x's a day! I told him that sounded like a bit much and so I was doing as needed in order to go to bed or just sometimes during the day to try. He said he is considered the most conservative doc. he knows when it comes to this stuff!

He said that the klonopin would only be in effect for 6 hours so it works. On top of all this I don't know if I can manage to make sure I take it properly. 4x's a day. holy crap.

I told him about how I don't really do too much, but I didn't say I was having panic attacks or freaking out or anything. I think he beleives that having me on some constant benzo will get me "back into life" and then I will taper out and start living life to the fullest - but seriously I sit around on the computer a lot anyways. He knows about my DP/DR but I don't think it equates with him well. As if after this plan of his is over my DP/DR will be gone.

Oye...

I'll try it out and look for benifits. If I don't see really good improvement in a short ammount of time then i'm going back to as-needed.

What do you think about the 1mg at night every night before bed?

thanks


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