# There's so much pain



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I feel dead inside. Empty. I fake my wasted life, I fake myself. I don't know who I am. Today someone told me that I'm always so calm and relaxed. People say it to me sometimes. I guess people see emptiness and deadness as calmness.

There's so much pain inside me. I cried not long ago. It's not so easy to cry. It feels useless and empty too. I tried to get it all out, all the pain inside. But I can't. I thought about how I can help myself to get everything out. I thought about cutting myself. I did it so many times before. But I'm too tired and lack of energy. So here I am trying to push the pain, here in this forum...


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

EverDream said:


> I feel dead inside. Empty. I fake my wasted life, I fake myself. I don't know who I am. Today someone told me that I'm always so calm and relaxed. People say it to me sometimes. I guess people see emptiness and deadness as calmness.
> 
> There's so much pain inside me. I cried not long ago. It's not so easy to cry. It feels useless and empty too. I tried to get it all out, all the pain inside. But I can't. I thought about how I can help myself to get everything out. I thought about cutting myself. I did it so many times before. But I'm too tired and lack of energy. So here I am trying to push the pain, here in this forum...


I'm feeling extremely bad today (yesterday had a huge panic attack) , but I never get to the part of self-injuring, but I'm in the same state. Usually people think I'm calm and relaxed aswell, because I keep everything to myself and thats probably the cause of my anxiety even, but I "broke" yesterday. I felt like I was completely nuts, walked around the house, then had to lay down on my bed, then I posted on the forum, re-did everything and it was like that until I managed to calm down..


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

EverDream said:


> I feel dead inside. Empty. I fake my wasted life, I fake myself. I don't know who I am. Today someone told me that I'm always so calm and relaxed. People say it to me sometimes. I guess people see emptiness and deadness as calmness.
> 
> There's so much pain inside me. I cried not long ago. It's not so easy to cry. It feels useless and empty too. I tried to get it all out, all the pain inside. But I can't. I thought about how I can help myself to get everything out. I thought about cutting myself. I did it so many times before. But I'm too tired and lack of energy. So here I am trying to push the pain, here in this forum...


EverDream,

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate a lot to what you are saying and feel very, very similar to the way you are now. I feel very dead and empty inside too, almost like a ghost. I posted a thread last night that you may be able to relate to: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/21230-i-cant-make-sense-of-anything-going-on-around-me/

Please don't hurt yourself. You are worth soo much more than that. I know how bad it hurts, but you decided to do a great thing by coming here and posting how you feel. Are there other soothing and helpful things you can do, like listening to music, or watching a show on t.v?

I am here for you, and if you ever need to talk, you can send me a PM. Hope you feel a bit better.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

ThisCantBeHappening,
Yeah, I keep everything to myself too. I prefer it this way. I prefer people see me in this positive way. It's a lot better than knowing the true me. I wrote true me? lol What does it mean anyway?

Insaticiable,
I read your post. I understand what you mean. Feeling like a ghost is a good way to explain it. In fact when I started having DP, I wrote a song about me being a ghost. 
I went to sleep after writing this message in the forum. I like music a lot and "Friends" make me feel better.









Thanks for both of you. I'ts nice having this group of support and having people that understand you.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

Yeah I prefer to keep it to myself aswell for the same reason, I would probably get other people depressed and crazy if they heard me talking, so silence is my bet, but I think that's what we do wrong to be honest. We shouldn't care about others, sometimes we care too much about others and nothing about ourselves, and that's maybe why we're always suffering so much.. The only person that knows the "true me" , as you said, the really anxious/sick, is my mother, but shes tired of my "sickness". She says she's going crazy with all of this, so I can't really have her support in what comes to this kind of problems anymore, andd that's why you people see me really active here these last days


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

It's not only for other people, but also for me. I feel somehow ok, even if in a fake way, when people think of me as normal.

I'm sorry to hear you feel worse. There are some family members and friends that know the true me but I don't talk about those things too much, and even when I feel extremly bad I don't too often share it with other people. It's sad but I prefer cutting myself than sharing other people. So I understand the importance of sharing.

You have a lot of people that understand you here. Your mom can't understand it so she react this way. Thinking now about my own mom (she died) I wonder how she would react to this and I have no idea. But I feel like I failed her in being such a loser. I ask her forgivness sometime. I know, It's not very healty thing to do lol


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

EverDream said:


> It's not only for other people, but also for me. I feel somehow ok, even if in a fake way, when people think of me as normal.
> 
> I'm sorry to hear you feel worse. There are some family members and friends that know the true me but I don't talk about those things too much, and even when I feel extremly bad I don't too often share it with other people. It's sad but I prefer cutting myself than sharing other people. So I understand the importance of sharing.
> 
> You have a lot of people that understand you here. Your mom can't understand it so she react this way. Thinking now about my own mom (she died) I wonder how she would react to this and I have no idea. But I feel like I failed her in being such a loser. I ask her forgivness sometime. I know, It's not very healty thing to do lol


I don't think she would look at you as a loser. It's not our fault that we're like this, I believe it's actually other people's fault when they rather call us "nutsey" or whatever than actually trying to help us out.


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## Davedaot (Apr 23, 2014)

Thought I am the only one , well Im not alone


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