# Hi my name was Lewis..



## Lewis27 (Dec 18, 2016)

Hi, I was Lewis,

Lewis was your average fun loving party boy at age 23. MDMA, Coke, E's, Mkat. If it was an upper, he had it. The life and soul of his friends and every party.. Despite his nasty habits and reasons for feeling the need to turn to substance in the first place he was actually a very compassionate and caring person.

He was lucky enough to meet someone who cared enough about him to pick him up from the dirt, wipe him down, clean him up and change his life style and self destructive habits. This called for one last farewell blowout with the friends. guaranteed for it to be the last.

That night friends came over. He bought an ecstasy pill, 3 hours passed and nothing happened, the pill was a dud. So then 2g of cocaine was bought and lots of ciders were had. A friend sparked a joint which was passed around. He took 2 puffs of the joint and IMMEDIATELY had a paranoid mental break down/panic attack like NOTHING ever experienced before. Paranoid trips were something that he could always control.

The only reasonable explanation was a psychotic episode. Substance induced psychosis. That was it, it must have been. What else could it be? He'd pushed it too far this time, and the irony of it all... The last blowout. One farewell party to lay the gauntlet down for good.

Over a year of PTSD (and still on going), regret, shame, embarrassment, guilt and obsession over his monumental self inflicted fuck up, and obsessive compulsive thinking of his mental psychotic state and frantic researching of mental disorders he finally found something that accurately described what he is experiencing. Depersonalisation/Derealisation Disorder.

Everything from believing he was psychotic, to having brain damage, to perceiving the world differently, watching life through what was once his own eyes, feeling unreal and in a dream like state intermittently, from having PTSD and learning this is a dissociative coping strategy for extreme mental/psychological trauma. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. FINALLY, had an answer.

I don't know if this brings great comfort or overwhelming sadness, as the capacity and ability to feel anything other then anger is no longer present.

The only place and time I feel like I'm "Lewis" is when I'm at home, in the company and safety of my loving, caring and supporting girlfriend. For who I am extremely grateful and extremely blessed to have in my life. You wouldn't be reading this post if it wasn't for her.

Despite all the odds that have been stacked against me I'm still persisting through it. I'm currently in a job I've worked extremely hard to get, I'm on SSRI's & I'm going to see a very highly qualified head Dr yet I'm still at breaking point. If I'm not me anymore then I've died. I don't know how much longer I can carry this on for. I'm either an inch away from throwing my dream job away and booking my self in at a mental hospital or driving off a bridge.

I need to know someone understands this. I need to hear and actually speak to someone who understands what I'm going through. If anyone, ANYONE at all can relate to this and would be happy to sit on Skype like a video conference and just connect with me please send me your username, lets book an evening and just talk for a bit. It doesn't matter about awkward silences, I don't care where you come from, what you look or sound like.

I need to know this is something that can be overcome. Or at the least that I'm not alone.

I don't know what the community is like on this forum, but I know this is self inflicted. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just here to share what I've gone through In hope that someone else can relate and to hopefully find another human being on this earth that "lives" in the same world as me. And just to finally get some of this crap off my chest.

Regards

Lewis


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

you're not alone. I'm sorry I can't agree to skype with you, as that tends to make my own symptoms worse, haha. but you're not alone. and I'm proud of you for getting so far, even with all this weighing you down. it can be overcome.

and perhaps you haven't died, simply metamorphosed. like a caterpillar into a cocoon. not a butterfly yet, but not a caterpillar anymore either. (also, I vote for mental hospital instead of driving off a bridge, please.)

I'm happy to "talk" through here anytime, and I wish I could comfortably offer more support than that.


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## dreamedm (Feb 1, 2015)

Hi Lewis, I'm probably having the same symptoms as you, and would be happy to Skype with you, if you are interested.

Feel free to add me: igor.komissarenko


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## live1light (Oct 1, 2013)

4 years for me now, LSD induced, it's been a long ride, but we will be alright. I don't have skype but I can always FaceTime or message !


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## Lewis27 (Dec 18, 2016)

Hi guys,

Thanks for all of you for taking the time to write back. I've not logged in to the forum for a couple weeks so sorry for the late reply.

I've just re-read my post... I was in a really bad place and desperate for help at the time of writing that post. Since then i've come up, went back down, and now I'm somewhere in the middle and I'm still fighting.

Really guys, thank you for your messages and I'm still really up for Skype with anyone. Just inbox me your Skype names or feel free to add me on Skype instead if you wish. My username ironically is "Mindgame_man" (yeah, don't ask! I was like 14 haha)

Hope everyone else is doing great too.

Lewis


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## mana_war (Jul 3, 2014)

Sure, why not


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