# Hy-dee-there folks. My story; in the making - DP or not to b



## ash_is_sad (Oct 27, 2007)

Well, I had a lovely childhood and love my family too much, albeit my Pop got a little ill and gave us a scary, sad 4 years of his depression and anger, when I was at a sensitive age. We're a close immigrant family that moved alot initially, until I was 7.

That said; I have no idea why I have turned out such a mess, it just doesnt follow. I remember waking up one day feeling sad. I was always a bubbly box of exploding happiness and suddenly nothing felt right. I was sad, actually if I thought about it; I was in despair.

I tucked this all away and got on with it; same happy clappy face as before. For years I was the typical Clown in School; laugh by day and cry by night. I was so confused. Then, when I was about 16 and so desperate to know why I felt so rubbish without explanation, I stumbled across a Pyscholody theory that allowed me to analyse myself, lost in this for HOURS I spent years writing down every little thing, analysing it exhaustingly and painfully after an unachievable goal; to know everything about myself and to never EVER feel confused or scared over how Im feeling ever again.

So I struggled on like the Goon I am, just wishing and waiting for contentment. My Mood was hard to explain; it was a desperate search for self, a feeling of doom like I was falling into a black hole with no grasp on reality and the pressure in my head felt like I was going to EXPLODE. Sometimes I would lose hope; I would be smiling but inside I was in a lot of pain. Everything else felt real around me. Tangible, real - and I was floating dust, nothingness, I could never live in this "reality" where everyone else was whole, strong and content. I called that 'human' - I wasnt.

I got really bad the second year into University. I started having panic attacks, feelings of derealisation because of a lack of familiarity and then intrusive Obsessive Compulsive thoughts which escalated last year and this Summer. The worst one was that I was going mad, which was emphasised by feelings of derealisation. I missed my "life" so much. I thought that I was no longer a part of reality, and then wondered what the hell reality was. I was lost in myself, I was terrified. I felt pyschotic and alone. Not even anyone in existance could help me because existance didnt exist.

I went travelling with a friend at this point. Looking back, this was pretty scary - probably not the best thing to do. I had discovered an internet friend on another pyschology forum and had planned to meet him. Finally someone I told everything to, and another guy who had fallen for me in Uni. I used these two as support, they put my faith back in reality. That and a very good 6 weeks travelling in the Summer made me feel like myself again after 5 years.

I let reality back in, and with it; I felt human. It flooded me like warm soup; the reality of my situation having finally given it a 'name' and stripped it of its terror; OCD, anxiety, Dr and Dp. Now I feel very hopeful for my life, with waves of crap as opposed to the other way around.

I was led here by an OCD forum, and to find this site has finally made all the pennies fall into their rightful slots. Its so strange; Im feeling the best I have in 5 years because at least now I know whats going on, I get myself and how to make it feel better; Im not haunted by the unknown, or my own hidden insecurities polluting my perceptions. Thats all I want. It keeps me strong. However; In my new found stability I am having waves more severe than previous years of suffering.

I seem to develop/discover something new every few months, including positivity. Because of this; and being as I am only on the eve of my 21st Birthday (and almost a film graduate with a great life); Im worried that I am showing the onset of Schizophrenia. Apart from that, Im very happy for my future, and if you have read all this which I strongly doubt, Congratulations, you scored a First Degree in Ash.


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## ash_is_sad (Oct 27, 2007)

With all this said; I can get bouts of suicide and hopelessness, despite feeling really well.

In this my chemisty sorting itself out? I mean Im only Dr/Dp'ed when Im low now.

Anyone?


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## cadahangel (Oct 28, 2007)

it is possible I notice times when things are going well so hopefully it's temporary and you will make it out


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## happyandfirm (Oct 19, 2007)

i can relate to many things from your post. one craaaaazy summer was a turning point for me also 8)

well the fear of schizophrenia shows you are still pretty anxious so what i think adding a seance of CBT once a week and proper physical activity twice or three times a week would do the trick. also changing your nutrition might help you. or adding some supplements to it.

by doing this you should feel much better within a year 

and i must ask you are you male or female because your post is making me a bit confused :?


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## ash_is_sad (Oct 27, 2007)

Female. Urgh, I had a pretty bad relapse yesterday though. My anxiety is off the charts sometimes - derealized - feeling Im about to go mad or die kind of thing.

Tis nuts.

I still have the optimism underneath that I know all these mind tricks, Im one step ahead.


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## happyandfirm (Oct 19, 2007)

ash_is_sad said:


> Female. Urgh, I had a pretty bad relapse yesterday though. My anxiety is off the charts sometimes - derealized - *feeling Im about to go mad or die kind of thing.*


thats not "off the charts" anxiety, thats "normal" anxiety.



ash_is_sad said:


> Tis nuts.
> 
> I still have the optimism underneath that I know all these mind tricks, Im one step ahead.


it might go away just by time but doing something about it would help.

and if it gets really bad you should visit doctor.
if youre afraid he would consider you a nutcase it means he probably wouldnt :wink:


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## ash_is_sad (Oct 27, 2007)

Lol. Thankyou for your reply.

I can get neurotic about my anxiety and therefore feed it until Im sick with it.
Then the next minute someone puts my head right again. It gets really bad and very ok all within one day and many times over.

Ohh I dont care about what those crazy Docs think.  :wink:


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## happyandfirm (Oct 19, 2007)

you forgot to mention you are a drama queen 8) .

thats good because you probably exaggerate when talking about your symptoms.

and also guys are probably falling for you all the time :wink: .
yes, most of us have a week spot for dramatic girls  .


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## ash_is_sad (Oct 27, 2007)

Really? I find I dont mean to be a Drama Queen but many people say it. I find the trait rather repulsive, attention seeking and all that.

But yeah, many guys do go in for it, lol.


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