# I cant handle this anymore :(



## mezona

Hi all, the state I am in is just horrible I feel like I have no control over myself... the nothingness, blank mind, no inner mobologue, not able to visualize things, plan things, not being able to talk to people, not being able to talk to myself!, the constant anxiety and the worst like not caring about anything...

I am reading posts from you guys and can hardly recall them later... and most of you are working, dating... I don't get it! It seems like I have it the worst or something... Is this even DP?


----------



## hopefuluk2

How long have you had now? and what was it caused by? Things are tough but life has to move on. What options do we have? Either fight with courage and go on or stay at home and do nothing waiting for this to be cured which is not likely to happen in weeks, months or even years. Start by doing simple things and don't exhaust yourself. Try to socialise even though it is hard but it will help you on the long run. Go for a walk, enjoy nature (although it may sound fake), cook a nice healthy meal for yourself and enjoy the food. It is easier said than done but there is no way except to face it and move on...


----------



## mezona

I had it since March... I believe it was caused by anxiety + maybe alcohol...

I can't relax, follow a book or a movie, have hard time doing simple things, can't remember things... I feel like I can't really do much... I feel demented or something

I've seen more therapists, psychiatrists...


----------



## mezona

Is this "only" a severe depersonalization or something more?


----------



## katiej

Its depersonalization. Its awful. But its not permenant. Sooner u can accept it the quicker it will pass


----------



## mezona

But katie, you can THINK!


----------



## Ningen

Our thoughts and emotions are probably the thing we take for granted the most. However when they disappear you realize just how vital and crucial they are.


----------



## mezona

Exactly... but who wouldn't take it for granted? How long has it been going for you Ningen?


----------



## ChrisChampion

Man I've had this shit on and off for 10 years!!!! I'm really getting sick of this bullshit! I can't hold a job. I can't travel. I can't do any fucking thing I want to do! fuck this stupid ass shit!!


----------



## Ningen

mezona said:


> Exactly... but who wouldn't take it for granted?


Only the people who have gone through this shit and made it to the other side, it seems....



mezona said:


> Exactly... but who wouldn't take it for granted? How long has it been going for you Ningen?


I've had the blank mind for 2 years non-stop.


----------



## mezona

Ningen, how did it all start? What are your other symptoms? Did it get at least a bit better by time?

Thanks!


----------



## Ningen

I imagine the way my DP started is not as common so I'll try my best to explain. It all began one day I started excessively ruminating. I started to question how my thoughts were possible, for example, how it was possible for me to experience sensory information in my mind (touch, sight, smell, and sound). I also have severe OCD, so I tend to obsess over everything. So I believe a combination of OCD, anxiety, and existential rumination caused my DP. Existential rumination has also given me severe derealization and anxiety in the past, to the point where I could not read, think, talk, sit down, or do anything for more than a few minutes at a time without severe panick setting in. Right now I have the blank mind, emotional numbness, lack of motivation, and head pressure. During the first few months I had this, I couldn't associate a smile with happiness, and felt so numb that I could not do anything. I also felt my personality change at times. I would say that I am no longer as bad as I was during the first few months, but I can't really tell for sure since I'm always numb and therefore can't really ever tell how I feel.


----------



## mezona

How am I suppose to know what to do to help myself when my mind and my body is not telling me anything??? All I feel is constant anxiety in my body...


----------



## mezona

How am I suppose to know what to do to help myself when my mind and my body is not telling me anything??? All I feel is constant anxiety in my body...


----------



## katiej

dont do anything. Let your mind recover itself.


----------



## JayB

Ningen, what you described sounds A LOT like me. I'm not as numb as you said, my emotions came back (though i feel it is not completely...) but all the obsession part is me. The thoughts...experiencing senses... We always have taken our inner voice and thoughts for granted but now it's like you can see trough all this, like these things are new to you so you start obsessing VERY badly and have a lot of anxiety about it.


----------



## vanuti vetru

Ningen said:


> I imagine the way my DP started is not as common so I'll try my best to explain. It all began one day I started excessively ruminating. I started to question how my thoughts were possible, for example, how it was possible for me to experience sensory information in my mind (touch, sight, smell, and sound). I also have severe OCD, so I tend to obsess over everything. So I believe a combination of OCD, anxiety, and existential rumination caused my DP. Existential rumination has also given me severe derealization and anxiety in the past, to the point where I could not read, think, talk, sit down, or do anything for more than a few minutes at a time without severe panick setting in. Right now I have the blank mind, emotional numbness, lack of motivation, and head pressure. During the first few months I had this, I couldn't associate a smile with happiness, and felt so numb that I could not do anything. I also felt my personality change at times. I would say that I am no longer as bad as I was during the first few months, but I can't really tell for sure since I'm always numb and therefore can't really ever tell how I feel.


Don't really want to steal the thread but, Ningen, can you elaborate in few words on the head pressure and numbness? More specifically, do you experience cycles in which you first have instrusive thoughts which are later turned into these physical sensations? I'm asking because what i used to experienced for years was like:


Feeling relatively OK but suddenly existential questions hit.
Feeling totally unable to deal with these unwanted thoughts so try to escape / mute them.
This produces physical sensations: body tension, head pressure, numbness etc. Like the energy of the repressed thoughts was transformed into body tension. Also very little to no motivation and numbed emotions.
Physical issues steal my focus for some time so i'm not able to concentrate too much on the existential stuff.
As the sensations wane off with time, i have a period of feeling better and then it starts over.

More recently the physical sensations of tension and pressure has been replaced by depersonalization and dream-like states.


----------



## Zed

mezona said:


> How am I suppose to know what to do to help myself when my mind and my body is not telling me anything??? All I feel is constant anxiety in my body...


You answered your own question.. Your body IS telling you what's wrong. It's telling you you're anxious. It's saying "please do something about this because I feel awful." Try some deep breathing for a start if you start to feel anxious in your body. It often comes up as a tight chest feeling.

Dissociation creates a lack of connection with our bodies so at first it's hard to pick up on what are bodies are telling us. 'Normal' people do this automatically and recognise and make changes to feel better. It comes natural to them.

Another common body symptom is head pressure - that's our body saying "we're dissociating." It's trying to get the message across to do something about it because it's an uncomfortable experience for the mind. That may sound obvious when it's written out, but a lot of people have difficulty seeing it for what it is.


----------



## mezona

Thank you Zed and everyone who is trying to help. I just feel no control over it, I feel my mind has gave up on me and I am going crazy ((


----------



## CoffeeGirl9

mezona said:


> How am I suppose to know what to do to help myself when my mind and my body is not telling me anything??? All I feel is constant anxiety in my body...


I agree and can relate with everything you say mezona. Even when I try to do things I find absolutely no relief. Not one moment of relief since January for me. I cried and cried last night but it's not even me crying. Nothing about my body is me right now. I feel like I have no head or brain. I don't have head pressure like ppl talk about. It's just nothing. It's like there is a world around me but I can't even see it or experience it. And it's really hard to ignore this btw.


----------



## semicharmedlife

I'm a little confused, how can you feel "nothing" and "numb" if you say you are feeling severe panic and anxiety? I feel like I don't have the symptom of feeling emotionless, I feel like I feel too much. It's just the physical state of DP episodes I have that terrify the shit out of me, but I still have all my emotions. I guess we all have a different case.


----------



## mezona

Year, i know it sounds confusing. I don't feel the emotions (mind) and yet my body feels nervous and on the egde. Does it make sense?


----------



## semicharmedlife

Is your body feeling nervous because of these lack of emotions?


----------



## mezona

Well... I am not sure, I do care for not having emotions but it's more of like I am only observing it, same with the nervousness. I honesly don't know.


----------



## mezona

Guyyys, help!!! Why I don't feel anything?


----------



## JayB

It's all depersonalization. It brings an uncomfortable feeling of exaggerated self-observation. You feel like your eyes are two windows and that you are looking trough them from behind. You can't understand the concept of vision and even having a first-person view seems weird. You feel like your body is weird, changed, alien and you feel like piloting your body and not living in it. Meanwhile, your mind is panicked, assaulted by numerous existential questions and dread feelings. People tell you that you are ok, but there is always that feeling of doubt that you are not. You are an alien on Earth. It's all dp. You don't feel anything because that's the way your body is protecting you from overwhelming emotions. You have to bring your anxiety to a reasonable level so the symptoms begin to fade.


----------



## Anersi

mezona said:


> Guyyys, help!!! Why I don't feel anything?


 I read an artikel yesterday about why many people with DP have hard to feel " normal " emotions. The part of the brain that " produces " feelings are more or less turned off because other parts of the brain " overrides " that area when we are in the DP mode. But dont worry, you have not lost the ability to feel, try to relax and not force your selve to feel. The feelings will be back in time.
Best regards.
Anders.


----------



## pancakeeater

Accepting DP doesn't always make it pass...I've accepted this bullshit years ago and it's still here.


----------



## Alfred Tan

guys, my gf might have dp because of her feeling is weird to everybody, she feels like look to every person will bring her to another scenes, she can control and sometimes the feelings will come and fade off, but now it is getting worst, she wanna have temporary break up with me because she have no feelings to me at all but she don want to do so because she is afraid of hurting me and she have no choice but to do so, but i would want to give her time and freedom and at the same time support her to be by her side, but im worried she rejected and alone. what should i do? Her suspicious DP like cant get away even though she rely on prayers since she is a christian.


----------



## MarLen

Panic.. That you can't feel any other way than fear. It's whole your life and you are adicted.. When you feel this way you feel safe, that you're ready to fight, you are secure, you cant make mistakes. But I want to feel myself.. honestly.. Like I know that I'm making mistakes but also I know that I'm human, That I like talking because it's just me.. I remember time when I was ok. I was talking a lot.. Right now I have in my head something like... When I was 9 years I remember that I was arguing with my sister and she said '' shut up'' I feel so traumatic in this time.. so right now I have all the time that words in my brain. Sometimes it's so funny that I can be so sensitive like little kid ahahah. When I feel fear I cant do nothing. I remember also nice moments but they were to much safty for me so I'm panic that's not real and I just feel taht I'm loosing my memory to nice moments.. It's not real. I don't allowed to feel somethig differente because otherwise you'll die.. but we're dying all the time..


----------



## jimrod1992

JayB it is almost like you pulled that straight from my mind and placed it here.


----------

