# Reliving the horror of last year in my head



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

You guys, I'm sorry to add to the flood of negativity that floats thru the forums daily, and it doesn't matter if anyone responds to this or not, but I just have to express myself...

I feel really god awful today. I am planning on calling my psychiatrist tomorrow to get my med situation sorted out. But I also think that part of my depression could be the fact that I'm sort of reliving the horror of getting DP/DR last year in my head. It happened right around this time, and I can't help but feel totally sick to my stomach. Like I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. It's so freakin hard to deal with. I have no energy and am super apathetic towards everything. It doesn't help that my birthday is in 2 days, and while I should be excited, I just feel miserable. Like what is a birthday anyways?

I'm having the same sensations I did when I was getting DP/DR last year, and it's kind of freaking me out. I keep telling myself, ''It's okay. You're fine. A year has passed and you've gained soo much knowledge and wisdom on this condition, whereas last year around this time when it was happening you were totally clueless!" Still, I feel strong feelings of melancholy. It's hard. I want to somehow ''snap/zap'' myself out of it.

I don't know...I really don't know.

And Melissa, if you read this, I wanted to give you big hugs over the internet. I know your pain and I feel your frustration and agony. Let me know if you ever want to talk! <3


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Also, why is it that I can't tolerate my feelings or ''sit with them?" The emotions I feel are so intense, I feel like I'm going to burst, then I have to do something impulsive like take pills or something to alleviate my suffering. It's just SO hard for me to SIT WITH MY FEELINGS. I start to become anxious and agitated and feel like I want to SCREAM! Probably due to my Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Soo annoying.


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Also, why is it that I can't tolerate my feelings or ''sit with them?" The emotions I feel are so intense, I feel like I'm going to burst, then I have to do something impulsive like take pills or something to alleviate my suffering. It's just SO hard for me to SIT WITH MY FEELINGS. I start to become anxious and agitated and feel like I want to SCREAM! Probably due to my Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Soo annoying.


I think I have BPD. Not sure though. I seem to fit the bill quite completely. Obsessive thoughts of grandiosity contrasted against feelings of crippling inferiority. A general lack of real feeling, impulsive behaviour, narcissistic rage etc. I too can't sit with my feelings. As soon as I start to feel anything I notice myself IMMEDIATELY pushing it away. It's just unbearable.

Do you have problems with procrastination at all?


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Also, why is it that I can't tolerate my feelings or ''sit with them?" The emotions I feel are so intense, I feel like I'm going to burst, then I have to do something impulsive like take pills or something to alleviate my suffering. It's just SO hard for me to SIT WITH MY FEELINGS. I start to become anxious and agitated and feel like I want to SCREAM! Probably due to my Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Soo annoying.


Yeah I can relate to the extreme emotional intensity. I have that because I am almost unable to share the emotional intensity with others. I can't let my emotions come out...Maybe that's the case with you as well?


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

never_giving_up said:


> I think I have BPD. Not sure though. I seem to fit the bill quite completely. Obsessive thoughts of grandiosity contrasted against feelings of crippling inferiority. A general lack of real feeling, impulsive behaviour, narcissistic rage etc. I too can't sit with my feelings. As soon as I start to feel anything I notice myself IMMEDIATELY pushing it away. It's just unbearable.
> 
> Do you have problems with procrastination at all?


Uhm, kind of. I'm not in school or anything right now so I don't have deadlines for h.w or projects so I can't really answer that in the moment. But I have procrastinated in the past. Also, I've watched the video you posted on procrastination before with that cool man talking.

BPD is a very complex disorder. I was diagnosed after 4.5 years of working with my psychiatrist. My initial diagnoses' were major depression and OCD, and finally my former psychiatrist came to the conclusion that it wasn't just ''depression'' anymore. To get diagnosed, you need to see a professional doctor or therapist who is familiar in these kinds of illnesses.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I'm goin thru' the same thing. I try to tell myself that it's just another day and not make an identity out of the fact that I've been suffering for so long. Our minds are sneaky and deceitful.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

snow storm said:


> Yeah I can relate to the extreme emotional intensity. I have that because I am almost unable to share the emotional intensity with others. I can't let my emotions come out...Maybe that's the case with you as well?


Well I'm pretty good at expressing my emotions. Sometimes I am TOO vocal about it, which I suppose can be a not so great thing. When I feel bad or terrible, I usually express my emotions to others such as my parents or other loved ones. I can't seem to ''keep it in.''


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Uhm, kind of. I'm not in school or anything right now so I don't have deadlines for h.w or projects so I can't really answer that in the moment. But I have procrastinated in the past. Also, I've watched the video you posted on procrastination before with that cool man talking.
> 
> BPD is a very complex disorder. I was diagnosed after 4.5 years of working with my psychiatrist. My initial diagnoses' were major depression and OCD, and finally my former psychiatrist came to the conclusion that it wasn't just ''depression'' anymore. To get diagnosed, you need to see a professional doctor or therapist who is familiar in these kinds of illnesses.


I am reading _Narcissism: The Denial of the True Self _by Alexander Lowen. I highly recommend it. There's a little bit of freudian stuff in there that I'm not too sure about but overall I think it's excellent. Anyway, I first starting thinking I had BPD from reading that book.

I am seeing a new therapist on friday. He's a transactional analyst with 39 years experience. Am assuming that he will have a good awareness of the disorder and will definitely ask him about it.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Well I'm pretty good at expressing my emotions. Sometimes I am TOO vocal about it, which I suppose can be a not so great thing. When I feel bad or terrible, I usually express my emotions to others such as my parents or other loved ones. I can't seem to ''keep it in.''


Well, then we are totally opposites. I wish I could have some of your lack of self control. Then you could have some of my self control cause I have it in abundance.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

never_giving_up said:


> I am reading _Narcissism: The Denial of the True Self _by Alexander Lowen. I highly recommend it. There's a little bit of freudian stuff in there that I'm not too sure about but overall I think it's excellent. Anyway, I first starting thinking I had BPD from reading that book.
> 
> I am seeing a new therapist on friday. He's a transactional analyst with 39 years experience. Am assuming that he will have a good awareness of the disorder and will definitely ask him about it.


Okay good! Keep us posted on how that goes.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

snow storm said:


> Well, then we are totally opposites. I wish I could have some of your lack of self control. Then you could have some of my self control cause I have it in abundance.


Let's trade for a day?


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

I don't even know who I am. I find myself thinking.. hmm.. am I more like Insaticiable or snowstorm. I like what never_giving_up said but is that who I really am? It's like there is no me and I don't have an opinion, but I want an opinion yet don't know what my genuine self thinks and feels.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

insaticiable said:


> Let's trade for a day?


hehe yeah let's!


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## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

nirvana said:


> I don't even know who I am. I find myself thinking.. hmm.. am I more like Insaticiable or snowstorm. I like what never_giving_up said but is that who I really am? It's like there is no me and I don't have an opinion, but I want an opinion yet don't know what my genuine self thinks and feels.












Get this book. Self-therapy by Jay Earley


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

quite possibly


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