# The Nine Levels of Hell. I've been to them all and beyond.



## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

I don't know what's going on, but I figured it might help to write it down. Nobody really has to read all this, I just have to get it off my chest.

Lately my DP has been at it's all time worse. Though I never see any true relief, I do roller-coaster dramatically. Sometimes the DP is very light and manageable and sometimes it's absolutely horrible. Well, something happened the other day. I got my first taste of total clarity. It happened at around 10pm (go figure, right before bed) it lasted until I got in bed at 11; I really didn't want to for fear I'd wake up in a fog again. Well, I woke up in a fog again.

It just seems since that hour taste of reality the DP has been unbearably worse. I don't know what's going on, maybe my mind knows what a taste of reality was like so the DP is more noticeable than ever now. As welcomed as the reality was at the time, I'm now wishing it had never happened if this is the side effect. It's like giving someone who is starving a taste of the most delicious steak they have ever tasted and then setting it right out of their reach. Can there be anything more torturous?

Now the DP is in my face 24/7 one hundred times worse than ever. My colors are more muted than they have ever been (making my job (graphic designer) even harder). My reflection looks so weird to me. I go to they gym often and I've been trying to put on some size, well, the more size I put on the less recognizable I become to myself. I guess I'm holding on to a look I remember before I was completely overcome my immense DP a few years back. I've had DP for a long time but horribly for the last few years. Before I could at least recognize myself. Worse now, my family also looks different. I know who they are but at the same time I feel I don't. Just like I'm beginning to lose who I am, I'm losing who they are. This is especially troublesome.

It doesn't stop there. My sense of touch has been numbed very badly for the last few years. When I touch something with texture I know that I'm touching it but I don't really feel it. Lately, I sometimes wonder if I'm even touching it; it's like all my senses are fading and I'm stuck in a senseless unreality. Sight is especially skewed (everyone here knows what I mean by that) nothing looks real, nothing sounds real, nothing feels real. I mean, #^(%, am I in a coma or something? I mean, is there anything to rationalize this?

I'm not a religious person but many of my religious friends and some family that knows that I'm going through something they can't explain have told me I should turn to God. Well, I'm desperate and I'm willing to try anything and look to anyone for a helping hand. I've tried praying and asking for this to at least lighten up, not to my surprise I have had no help as of yet (to religious people, this is not meant to offend, it's just how I feel). I'm not closing any doors, I feel very open minded and feel that there is something more powerful than me in this existence (I sure hope so). Although, I wont be surprised if no help is given.

I've tried medication, meditation, ice cold showers, hot showers, adrenaline, sport fighting, little sleep, normal sleep, lot of sleep, pain, fatigue, workouts, focusing on something other than DP, I mean, you name it! Nothing has even touched it. I'm so automated right now I don't even know how I function, the only thing I can feel is pain. I mean, I'm somewhat of a masochist now cause it's all I can feel and I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. I'm just not even sure how I function anymore.

It was my sons five year birthday the other day. We had a birthday party, went to Chuck-E-Cheeses and went to have a bunch of fun. I was so out of it during the whole thing that I have to force myself to remember what happened, I was on full automatic mode. My body was talking, playing, etc but my consciousness to the event was nowhere to be found. I find I have to look at pictures to remember what was going on. This is absolute hell and I can't seem to get out of it at all. I just posted a comment on another section of this forum but I'll rehash it here. The DP has become bad enough that for the first time in years I finally broke down and cried, it actually took me from my pain of not being able to feel anything but pain back to the numb state-of-mind that I find myself locked inside right now.

Well, I've got a ton of stuff to do so I better phase out and get it done. At least this is something good about the automation mode. Though I'm working, I don't remember working so I guess there can be pros in everything if you're willing to look hard enough, though, I'd rather have reality in working than none at all. For all those who are still with me, thanks!


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## jay2008 (Nov 6, 2007)

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been to all those degrees and back myself. I am currently experience DR/DP worse than ever. Although I've had it consistenly for 2+ years now, I don't have a handle on it like I should. I have tried many things like you....more sleep, less sleep, medication, exercise, etc with little or no relief. I'm like you, at my wit's end right now.

HOWEVER, I do know that this too will pass. I will start to get into a less intensive cycle and hopefully break these obsessive DP thoughts. I know they contribute to this disorder. All the advice I can offer now is to hang in there and keep us posted on your progress.

I do have a question though...you mentioned muted colors. I'm surprised to hear this because I have this, as well, and find it to be a horrible part of DP. Has anything helped this, for you?


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hey,

I feel you. I've been there as well.

You say you are trying all these things. My advice to you is to stop trying. You can't force your DP away. I am not saying to give up on life - quite the opposite. You've heard the 'live your life and focus outwards' thing a thousand times over i'm sure. But if your DP/DR is still lingering like that you aren't doing it.

You may be getting out there and living but the whole time your gaze is turned inwards. You are monitoring yourself. You may even have become so good at monitoring yourself that you don't realize you are doing it. You have to change your thought patterns. This may seem next to impossible because at this point your DP/DR must feel so beyond any connection to any particular thoughts. But don't let yourself analyze your surroundings.

Just live. Pour yourself into other activities and the minute you question anything - "Do these colors seems like they used to? Or are they more dull?" etc. turn your thoughts onto something else. Wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it each time you start to question anything. It will illustrate how often you are constantly self-analyzing.

It will be nearly impossible at first, and you will have hopelessly slow progress but you will get out - back up through all nine levels of hell and into a happy and normal life.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

Thanks for the replies!

My colors have been dull for awhile now. Describing colors is like trying to describe the DP on a functionality level. If someone asks, "What color is this?" I can say bright red. Though it doesn't look bright red to me I know it is bright red. Very difficult to explain. It seems as if everything has a de-saturated (grayish) look to it, yet, I can still tell someone the difference in intensities if they ask. It's very hard to explain and no, nothing has helped me get my colors back. I draw a lot and I've found I prefer drawing in just grey pencils lately because of it being the worst it's ever been. When I use color I think of the DP while drawing which is annoying.

I also understand about what has been said about analyzing yourself and surrounding. I've done it since the DP became more prominent but with how bad it's got I've found I can't stop doing it. I try my hardest to think positive and try to live for my family instead of myself. I think to myself something like, my kids don't know I have this so even though I don't actually enjoy doing anything it doesn't mean they don't, so I try to take them out for as much fun as possible and play with them. I do it all for them. I took my boy to Chuck-E-Cheeses for his birthday and I was numb to everything that was going on, he had a blast though!

I've always felt like I've had a really good hold on the DP and keeping it from enveloping my every though, it just seems as if it has slipped out of control and has taken over. It's driving me crazy! I've noticed that my frustration level is through the roof cause of it. I've been snapping over everything lately. I mean, if a button comes loose on my shirt it pisses me off. I started an anti-depressant again this morning because of that so hopefully it will help the frustration level, it doesn't touch the DP though. (Celexa for anyone curious).


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

A few things I'm looking into trying.

One, I started thinking, what if it's the things I'm taking for health that are making me unhealthy? I'm a bit of a fitness nut, every morning I take my Omega's, Mutli-Vitamins, and a few other supplements. It's all for general health, millions of people take them. I started thinking, what if I'm allergic to one of the ingredients in there? So, I decided to lay off the vitamins for a few weeks or so to see if that helps. If it doesn't I'll start taking them again.

Secondly, I talked to my uncle last night. I'm not spiritual or anything but he is big time. I figured I'd sit and listen to what he has to say. He was telling me that whether I believe it or not there are always spirits around me influencing my way of thinking. He was saying just like anything there is good and bad out there and a negative spirit came into my being and is causing this, it feeds off of it and that attracts more negative spirits who also feed off of me feeling this way. He taught me some "cleansing" techniques that are supposed to push negative spirits away and bring in positive spirits.

All I can say is I've tried just about everything and nothing has worked. How much could this hurt? I'll go for it! Whether it's the power of suggestion or it really works, we'll see. Either way, I've got my fingers crossed. As long as it lightens up to something manageable I'll be cool with that. It's just been so bad lately I'm reachin' for anything. I try to ignore it but it keeps seeming to grab my attention.

Well, let's see what happens!


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

Here we are again. Another day, another daydream.

Well, I got home from work yesterday and I was talking to my wife, she asked if I would go over to her parents house with her (they are all LDS) so her dad could give me a blessing. Though I still struggle believing in God, I have to say with the recent things that are showing up, I'm starting to believe in it more and more each day.

I was talking to my wife, she was telling me that when she was praying for me the other night she felt as if a negative spirit (demon if you will) was trying to keep her from praying. She said she suddenly felt cold, short of breathe, sick, etc. Ironically, that is the same thing my uncle said when he was doing what he called a spiritual cleansing. She wasn't there when he told me how he felt when he tried it so she didn't know, yet, she explained it the exact same way he did. She is LDS, he considers himself spiritual but he isn't religious. So, two different people, two different times, they hadn't talked to each other, both experienced the same feeling. Strange.

Well, I tried doing what they said. Picturing the demons being expelled from your body and pushing them away and letting the Light of God fill your body. I thought it was a bit hocky, but get this. I tried it, I pictured the negativity lifting through my body and strangely, when I imagined the Light of God entering my body I had a lot of trouble with it. Just imagining it I had a lot of trouble, I had to continue repeating it trying to simply imagine a light coming into me and I couldn't do it, I'd imagine a light but I couldn't imagine it filling me no matter how hard I tried, it felt like something was blocking it from entering me.

Could I have been wrong all these years? Possibly!

Well, we will wait to see what happens. This is all pretty new to me since I stopped going to church when I was ten or so. So yeah, I haven't believe in it for a long time, yet, if I'm wrong I'm wrong. I'll admit it. Let's see what happens.

Now, for how I feel aside from all that. I still feel pretty out of it, the cleansing I'm doing is harder than I though. I miss my energy drinks that I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to now. I'm very tired and my mind has been in a huge fog since I've given up the energy supplements. I'm not taking my multivitamin either and I'm already feeling that as well. Luckily I still eat very well so I get the amount of vitamins I should (or close) naturally. My thought on that is maybe I was getting too many fat soluble vitamins. I don't really know what that would do if you get to many, all I know is they through the term toxicity around a lot. We will see if that happened. Either way, I'm sick of sitting on the sidelines and watching my life fade away. If this DP is going to affect me, I'm going to fight it and even if I can't get rid of it, well damnit, I'm going to figure out how to get it out of my every though. It might consume every thought in the meantime but in the end, it will be gone, I won't have it any other way.

Now it's time to.....go download Safari 4 Beta!


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

Updates.

Well, I was off all of my supplements for over a week and no change at all so I don't think the vitamins are causing any reaction and I've started them again. They do seem to help me focus more than being off of them though.

The spiritual guidance and prayers have done nothing so far. No surprise to me but I'll keep my mind open and give them more time.

Overall, the level I'd classify my DP right now would be "Severe." On a 1-10 scale, I'd say an 8 (barely able to focus, automated). In fact, it's so bad right now I think I'm going to come back to this update later and finish writing it.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

Let's try this again while I'm a bit 'here.'

I just got back from the gym, focus was incredibly difficult. Nothing worse than phasing out while under the bar and it happened on every lift. What a horrible feeling. Dispite all that I fought through it and had an awesome workout! However, I have noticed that the more intense my workout the worse the DP. Still, I'm not letting the DP consume me to make me fat again.

Just wanted to give some people some inspiration (if it helps). My DP has been severely bad lately. I mean, phase out so much I don't know how I get anything done. Despite the DP I have recently finished modding my car, registered for summer semester for college, got my freelance up and going again, work full time, have a family at home I still focus on, and draw in my sketchbook every day. I know there is even more than that but I can't think of it right now. DP + post workout = can't think.

Anyway. Just want to remind everyone to stay focused, keep your mind distracted from the DP (it will break your focus, just ignore it and refocus) and we can progress like anyone else. DP in my mind is a side effect, not a condition. That gives me peace of mind. Be strong and we can excel!

Hell, this actually turned out to be a pretty decent post. I remember what I wrote this time! Yeah!


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

These last few days have been horrible. I bought a car that turns out to be a lemon. I've gone to the car dealership to trade it in and get something decent. They are throwing numbers at me left and right, hell, I don't know if it's a good deal or not, my DP is so bad that I can't focus on anything. It's unbearable.

Well, I hate to say it, but things have been going downhill for me. I actually broke down in front of my wife the other night and cried (I'm not one to cry, especially in front of people), well, she feels really bad for me. She doesn't know what to say or do to help and frankly, I don't know if anything she could say or do would even help. I'm so numb to everything except for pain. It's horrible.

I saw a billboard the other day. It was awesome. It said something along the lines of, "You'd never hear anyone say, 'It's just cancer, get over it.' Depression is real." I thought, that would work great with DP also since you can't just, "get over it."

Getting off topic here. I'm going back to the car dealer after work to see if they where hopefully able to find someone to take the lemon for what I have left on it (or close). Hell, if it's a mechanic, they'll get a gem. I just don't do cars. A small problem to a mechanic is the end of the world to me. Either way, hopefully it works out for everyone.

I can't focus anymore, I'll come back later.


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## DeeAre (Mar 21, 2009)

Hi, I just read through your updates and wanted you to know that I can relate to how you feel and really admire your fight and determination.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

DeeAre, thank you. I'll continue to add these as I can.

So, the new car thing didn't work out. Looks like I've got to sell my Cougar on my own first, I had a feeling all the dealerships would try to take me for all my worth on a trade. However, one of them I will go back too. He told me that my car was worth what I wanted but he couldn't give that to me cause he wouldn't be able to sell it for enough to make it worth it. I know that's why all of them did it, but since this guy came right out and said it, that was cool. So I'm going to put it up online and sell it and then go back for hopefully a G6. I've come to really like those.

As for the DP. It hasn't let up at all lately but again I'm starting to become used to it. Whenever it throws a curve ball and feels different it's always hell for a week or two. Sometimes it keeps changing like it was lately it's unbearable. I think it's settled and I'm getting used to the feeling again. I'm running on full automation now, but as long as it's tolerable, I'll let it be.

I'm at work again so I better get back to it. The just sent me a huge catalog that they want done today. Glad they plan ahead. I can't wait till I can go full freelance and start doing things my way, and hell, maybe see my family once in awhile too.


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## konstantine02 (Mar 12, 2009)

Hey,

I just read all your posts. I admire the fact that you can even go to work. My DR has been so bad the last few weeks, that I've gone to work maybe 3 days a week and that's pushing it. I'm a teacher so I zone out in front of my kids and feel like I'm going to collapse.

I really liked this quote, "I saw a billboard the other day. It was awesome. It said something along the lines of, "You'd never hear anyone say, 'It's just cancer, get over it.' Depression is real." I thought, that would work great with DP also since you can't just, "get over it."" Which is why I'm replying to all your posts. My mom tells me to get over it and to get back into work and blah blah, but the more I try to fight it the more I space out and can't remember things and it almost feels like blacking out all the time. Ugh.

Keep up the good work. I've been going to group therapy the last few weeks and trying out some random medications. It worked for a couple of weeks and I was really motivated, but this last weekend I went back into the pit of doom. Mostly due to anxiety.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

kons,

I know exactly how you feel. DP is a beast that feeds off our attention. The more we fight it the stronger it gets. I pretty much accept DP, I've had it for nearly as long as I can remember, however, these last few years have been horrible. It used to be "something is off" and it became something that I can't escape. I know exactly what you mean about work. I don't know if it helps, but I let my body take control in most situations. For me, I'm not "there" but I get everything done as if I where.

Work, driving, school, etc. I can't remember a lot of it, yet it gets done. It's like the saying, "So monotonous you can do it with your eyes closed." That's actually how I do a lot of my stuff. It's brutal but it's my way of fighting DP without letting it take me over. I prefer to lock myself alone in a room but I've found if I do DP is still there, might as well have it and interact.

Work is exceptionally bad for me. For the last ten years or so I've been cooped up in a windowless room (graphic design) and all I have is fluorescent lights. That particular light is incredibly bad for me since it sets of my DP. I put the energy saver bulbs (fluorescence) in my house at one time. I could barely function and I swapped them out for full spectrum bulbs that's helped a ton.

Well, I'm off topic again. I just hope that you can find something that lets your release your DP and at least bring it to a tolerable state. Drawing helps a ton for me cause I have to focus on what I'm doing. It makes me thing and it's hard to phase out during it. It doesn't seem real but at least I'm not phased out.

--

How I'm feeling today. Well, DP has still consumed me. Everything in front of me looks about as real as a dream, in fact, I almost feel like my dreams last night where more real. However, it's strange, thought the DP is still bad, I feel very relaxed today. I feel asleep at nine pm last night which is about two hours earlier than I usually do. It's definitely helped, I just wish it calmed the DP. Oh well, at least my nerves are calm.

Work has been exceptually annoying lately. I've found with how fake everything feels it makes it easy to blow everyone off an not care. See, there's something positive in everything! lol!

I still can't focus so hopefully everything I've written in this post has made sense. I'm in extreme automatic mode right now.


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## brizzle86 (May 5, 2009)

I noticed that you made these posts several months back, so I'm not sure if you check here often enough to read replies to your messages. But, anyways, I read all of your posts and I was astounded on your mentioning of an attempt at a sort of a spiritual cleansing. Struggling with DP/DR over ten years, I've recently (within the past few months) asked others to help me turn to God in hopes of assuaging the constant, relentless mind battles. Like you, I tried praying by myself and with other people. I wholeheartedly followed what they advised me to do: imagine the light entering your body and as you do so allow the Holy Spirit to take over you, thus freeing yourself from the evil spirits. After weeks of doing so, time and time again I felt as if a brick wall was up, a barrier that was impeding any ounce of relief from getting to my soul. I was not brought up religious at all, but I believe in a higher being. I keep asking myself all the time, "Why would God allow such a horrific "condition" to inflict so much pain out of nowhere?" When I try and reach out and talk to God, I feel as if my prayers are not answered, that I'm forgotten about. Now, do not get me wrong, there are millions of people in the world living with incurable diseases and who struggle with every issue imaginable. But, DP/DR is like being put through H*ll and back for absolutely no reason. The longer I struggle with this, I'm beginning to find truth in the existence of evil spirits. I'm not talking in terms of alien type creatures taking over someone's mind, but negative energy brought on by external forces far beyond one's control. I can relate to every aspect that you have described above..thank you for sharing. Good luck and you're not alone.


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## pwrinkle (Mar 30, 2009)

Hey, sounds like you are going thru so much right now but may I make a suggestion if your still looking for a little faith. I myself don't know if God exists but I do believe that everyone needs SOMETHING that they can have faith in and lift their own spirits with that faith.Of course, this whole faith thing is not what is going to fix you,it will only lift you up enough to give you the drive to find what will get your mind/thoughts back in order. For me it is the Yin-Yang symbol and Kharma. You have one thing that will work for you,find it....believe it....live it and live thru this. Best of luck,really!


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

I don't check this site often, I usually find myself coming back when DP is irritating me cause this is the only place where people truly understand. However, I find that when I spend lots of time on this site I also think about DP a lot which also in turn makes it worse. It's kind of like a Love/Hate type of relationship.

I love visiting this site and the people here are great, but at the same time, it's as if the DP feeds off of it as well.

Anyway, to my point. I have continued trying to find religion. I seem to continue to fall short of it. I do believe in a higher being, God or not, something higher than me. Everything is set in a hierarchy system and I'm definitely not at the top in my job, let along, eternal existence. I don't really believe much in evil beings, demons, devils, etc., but I do believe in negative energy and I do believe that it can negate positive energy.

It's funny that you mentioned that you feel abandoned by a deity. I have been saying that for years when people ask me why I don't believe in God. I usually reply with something similar to, "I very much belief in a higher being. You call it God, I call it something that doesn't require boundaries such as God. Either way, God or not, I feel as if I've been abandoned.

Overall, I'm not looking for some supreme being to "Cure" or "Save" me, I'm just looking at once again becoming in control of my existence without people telling me that "God" is testing me, or I've somehow offended him and this is my punishment or some crap like that. What about all the horrible people doing horrible things that don't have conditions like this, yet, the nicest people you will ever meet are struck with horrible conditions, paralyzed, cancer, multiple sclerosis, etc. Abandoned, I very much feel we have been. It's up to us to save ourselves by taking care and supporting each other, not kneeling down waiting to be saved. Instead of looking up, maybe we should all start looking forward and using the resources this "God" has already given us; the ability to help each other instead of asking Him to do it for us.

Pwrinkle. I also believe that everyone needs something. I've also said to people, "If they ever prove that God doesn't exist, I hope nobody finds out." Whether you believe in God or not, many people need to believe it. Some people would do nothing without God, they believe he does everything from getting a better job to making the bed every day. They think God is their power and if they didn't believe that, they couldn't accomplish anything.

God also keeps people in line. I've known many people who said, "I'd kill so-and-so if I wasn't afraid of going to hell." or, "I'd be a whore and sleep with everyone if I wouldn't be shunned by God."

I mean, these are real religious people saying these horrible things. God, existence or not, people need Him.


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## peachy (Feb 9, 2008)

I really admire your ability to write so clearly when you feel this automatization. I can really relate to the majority of what you have written here and the inner struggles. What's also really great to see in this post is that it's not all black and white thinking for you. You've found a way to eloquently describe your positivity without coming off as self-righteous and yet you aren't afraid to open up some of your negative thought processes. If someone as put together as you has DP, it makes me wonder what sort of thing we are battling! But I wanted to tell you that you've really inspired me to put my life back together and reminded me that it's okay if progress is a "1 step forward 3 steps back" kind of process and that it's okay to let yourself go on autopilot if you need it. This is the best thing I've read on the forum in a while and I'm not quite sure why it hit me but I'm sure it'll all make sense at some point. Way to be open minded--so important with recovery in my opinion. Thank you for posting with honesty and and a genuine attitude.  Also, I had one question for you. Do you experience much anxiety with DP? Cause you sound chill 8)


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

I'm very happy to hear that what I write has helped you. I heard many saying that go along the lines of, "If you help even just one person in your life, it was worth it." Let DP consume me if it helps others in some way or another.

I'm always afraid to hit the submit button on these. One, I usually have to reread what I've wrote many times because I immediately forget what I just wrote and two, I don't sugar coat what I write and I'm sometimes afraid I'll offend people which is never my intent.

About your progression being one step forward, three steps back. I feel like this often. I just finished reading a book called "The Essential Wooden." It's a book on leadership and it's a great read. He does repeat the messages A LOT, but the reason for that is he's trying to make a point. One of his points is along the lines of, It's not about winning or losing, it's about giving your best. If you win but you haven't given your all, you've still lost. If you lose, but you gave your all; you won.

I really like that because I'm always trying to do the best I can despite my DP. I guess somethings working cause nobody knows I have DP unless I tell them. Pretty much everyone I've told forgets (somewhat) because of how I act. I don't show signs of DP outwardly but internally, it's a horrific and constant battle. So, when you say "put together person," I thank the compliment, but I do assure you, it's only outwardly. Inside I feel as if I'm in a downward spiral.

As for the anxiety. It will sometimes hit me really bad, but for the most part, it's one of the few things I can control. When I feel an anxiety attack coming on I try my best to relax and realize there is nothing to be concerned about. Usually I'll slow my breathing, close my eyes and try to relax. It seems to usually let the anxiety pass. Takes me about ten minutes or so. Even when I'm having an anxiety attack, I don't outwardly portray it either. The few people that can tell if I am notice that I get really quiet and my eyes race around the room until it's over.


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## desperona (May 14, 2009)

interesting, I just read what you wrote. in one post, you wrote something about drawing, and thats exactly the same thing I do. draw and forget about dp.

the "inner-fight", that was good, I may look like a normal guy, but actually I have much much pain inside of me. there are many things I can relate, also the one that your body does the work and the mind is somewhere else.... or how did you say it? anyway that was a good one too, but I feel like Im some kind of robot or something when I do that, like I dont have a "soul", or "mind" at all.

good bye.


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## skullasylum (Jan 27, 2009)

I know that feeling. Robotic, lifeless, automated. My explanations of how I feel will change day to day, but overall. I'm pretty empty. The only thing that remains is pain. If you follow my posts you will notice that I'm in a constant struggle with myself. Yet, outwardly, completely normal. What a strange beast we deal with daily.


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