# Lost my sense of self. Looking for inspiration.



## Mlags45

Hey guys, I'm 17 and I got DP/DR about a year ago when I smoked marijuana. I was always kind of an upbeat, outgoing, kinda crazy and fun person. I was always cracking jokes in class and making everyone laugh. I had thoughts and dreams of where I wanted to go with my music. I had a very strong sense of self or ego. I was dealing with depression, anxiety and things that I didn't like about myself but I think that's what gave me my personality. When smoking with my friend I completely lost it. He made a remark about me which I was self conscious about. I was so high at the time that I couldn't deal with it. I had an extreme panic attack. I was looking at him and I thought to myself. What are people? what is life? is there really a god? questions that if i thought about before would just pass through my mind. Everything was so intense. My sense of self diminished that night. I went home and couldn't even recognize my mom. Everything was so surreal and disfigured. It's like I never left that intense state of being high. All my relationships with people seem to be fake. I look at my friends and wonder why I am friends with them. The environment looks so strange and people look so strange. I can't even talk to people anymore. Looking into peoples eyes is the most frightening thing. I started getting into spirituality because of this and read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. By the way, I'd be the last person to get into spirituality but my intense awareness of my existence drew me to it. I just want to get back into the flow of life, but I'm WAY too aware of myself and situations. There is nothing in my head anymore. I go through every day and don't think about anything besides my DP. That could also be my OCD. I can't even talk to this girl I really like because of my DP, and it kills me. I see how happy she is and I know I can't be with her because of how I am. I feel like I forgot how to live, how to pick up on social ques: all the small things in life that we use everyday. The one thing I had in life which was my music, I can't even feel that anymore. If there is a god, hopefully there is a reason for this "awakening". I feel like I've already died and am just waiting for the day when my body stops. I hate being so fucking morbid and deep but where I am right now is such a fucked up place! I just need hope that this will go away. I miss having memories and having conversations with people where I exuded emotions. What have you guys who have succeeded DP done? will I find myself again or do I just have to adapt to this "new" me. Sorry for the long post, thanks.


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## Guest

Wowwwwww,

I could have written that myself almost word for word, seriously. I got DP at 16. I was a pothead & an atheist. I looked into Eckhart Tolle (among other spiritual paths). All of that and the symptoms you are having I have or have had, especially the looking in peoples eyes thing. Well I've had DP now for almost 7 years, so we are different there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you learn a lot here, especially how to cope with DP. Some people here are recovered so keep your head up, it's possible to overcome. Peace.

Oh and don't worry, don't think you'll have it for years like me also, I didn't even know what I had until last year in June. Learning what it is and understanding it for what it is is the greatest turn around if you didn't know for some amount of time. And learning you aren't alone is a big help too.


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## jho

i wish i could be awaken one day.. that is was all gone.. but i am happy now... i am not alone.. hope i could talk to you guys


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## walkingdead

jho said:


> i wish i could be awaken one day.. that is was all gone.. but i am happy now... i am not alone.. hope i could talk to you guys
> just have patience, it will end


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## megaroniandcheese

i can really relate to your post. i am 19, i had mild dp symptoms when i was very young, probably because of my home life and other issues. it came back with a vengeance when i came home from college this year. i had experimented with different hallucinatory drugs and smoked weed roughly three times a day while i was away which i think may have triggered it. you're comments "what are people?" and "what is life?" are thoughts that i find popping into my brain very often. and i hate being "deep" and "morbid" as well, because i used to be very upbeat and optimistic, even when things were shitty. but now i find myself at an utter loss trying to comprehend my mind, my body, other people, the earth, the universe. it's all very overwhelming. i find this hellish condition horrible for any type of social interaction, especially romantically like you mentioned with the girl you like. i also have many feelings of inadequacy and fears of rejection from my boyfriend who i met while i was in college. and just as you described not being able to recognize your mother, the past weekend my boyfriend who i'd been practically living with for six months came to visit me at home and he seemed so foreign to me. i was trying to force my brain to tell me how i used to behave and speak around him, or anyone for that matter. so bizarre, feeling like a stranger in your own skin.


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## Guest

lol @ people with DP


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