# 100% Recoverd. Yup. It's possible.



## Walkingzombie

You read correctly. Not some bullshit 90%, 85%, 44% recovery story. I'm talking 100% DP free my fellow friends. It. Is. GOOD.

I think that I may have the knowledge now to cure DP for many people. I'm not saying follow exactly what I did, because everyone's DP is completely different. Because of that you have to treat it in different ways. What works for one person may not work for you. Understand that and adjust a recovery model that fits to YOUR problems and causes of DP. Ultimately, the cure for DP rests in your mind. That's the truth. I can say this fully because I went from having a COMPLETELY BLANK MIND to one that's constantly racing and figuring out the world. I'm not saying my DP was worse than anyone other's because my physical symptoms were truthfully not that terrible, but having a completely blank mind is EASILY one of the worst symptoms associated with DP. Just about all the people that I've read on the forum with it don't recover from it. I've talked to people that have had it for up to 9 years. NINE YEARS!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I was determined not to waste that much time curing my DP. The fact is YOU have the power to cure your DP. Don't blame anyone else. Don't blame medicines or others. GRANTED, I have my own opinions on the medical system/prescribed medicines which I will go into detail later, but the point is YOU have to cure your DP and if you continue to make up excuses for yourself you WON'T recover. Sorry, but it's true. Now to my story.

*Cause of DP*
I went away to college (like most people) and smoked weed (Yup...) and came to this HUGE epiphany that defined my whole life in about 5 words. My world came crashing down. This epiphany defined my existence in a single moment. Ever since that moment, I began to analyze my whole life. I thought back to my FIRST day of preschool. I constantly kept my mind in the past. Analyzing, figuring out, and further validating my epiphany. After that moment, I became that epiphany. It was all that I was. I was a single thought.

*Experience with DP *
Around March I had to withdraw from Penn State University because my DP was so bad. I wasn't talking, I had a constant blank mind, and I couldn't concentrate in class. I walked around already dead. I couldn't imagine life getting any worse, of course I had no idea what I was in for over the past few months. In the initial stages of my DP I was pretty much in "WTF Mode", a common reaction to DP's onset. It's like your entire world is turned upside down. No one understands what you're going through and truthfully most people just think you're crazy. It sucks because what you're going through is HELL and no one even can comprehend or even believe what you're going through. They try to help and talk to you, but truthfully you're not listening(or at least I wasn't). No matter what they say, you keep insisting that this is hell and that you have no idea what's going on. One person is trying to provide advice on something they have no clue about and the other is just not listening because they think that they're screwed for the rest of their life. When you're in that stage, no one can convince you otherwise. That's one of the problems with DP, because this forum is so filled with negativity, people tend to believe that they will never recover. Not to mention it's pretty much the only community of the Web for people with this disorder so when you find it it's like a safe haven. It's a place where people UNDERSTAND and can relate to your experience. It's a beautiful thing, especially if you've tried to find a therapist who still doesn't understand. (Common)

Summer was THE WORST. I worked a 40 hour week where I didn't talk. Was invited to less and less places, especially if there was drinking. And the few times that I did go out I'd sit in the corner completely blank minded and in a whole different universe. On top of that my first therapist was AWFUL and provided NO help at all. Granted, now that I look back on it I was just as much to blame as he was. I said the same damn thing every appointment, but when you're mind is constantly blank you always have the same thing to talk about. All I talked about was my blank mind, inability to talk to people, and weird feelings. He really couldn't do much about any of those things. You have to realize that therapy is an important tool is self discovery and a new insight into your DP experience, but it WON'T cure you. It's not going to, you may learn new things, different perspectives on your situation, but it won't be the sole reason why you cure. I still suggest trying therapy, but understand that it may not be for you. Additionally, don't just settle with one therapist. If the first, second, or third one isn't helping try a fourth, fifth, or sixth. The relationship between patient and doctor is VITAL to having a successful experience with therapy.

Summer ended, my "friends" left for school again, and I was still in the same position that I was in right when I withdrew from school. But the worst of my DP was over. I didn't recover for another 6-7 months, but that 4 month period was EASILY the worst of my life. I never want to go back to it, and the funny thing is I really don't have any real memories from that summer. My ability to retain information was so bad that I completely blocked out just about all of those 4 months. Classes started, and I was only able to take 1 because I couldn't do more. That means tons of free time which I COMPLETELY wasted. I did NOTHING. NOTHING that first semester. I continued to work, but with the addition of new student workers that just meant more people to not talk to.

Pretty much just the same thing for the next few months continued until I decided to get serious about recovery.

*My process of Recovery*
Like most people, there comes a stage in your DP where you just say "FUCCCKKK DP" and you either make a solid effort to change your life OR you let the disorder become your life despite acknowledging how detrimental it is to you. Depersonalization is a disorder. That's all it is. YES, it BLOWS, but you will not die from it. It can't psychically hurt you. For me, I decided to try smoking herbal incense(Say what you want, but I'll explain later). I'm drug tested and living at home while all your friends get fucked up every weekend SUCKS. On top of that, overprotective parents who take away just about every right you have because they think that you're going to off yourself any second makes things much more unbearable. Oh yeah, and I'm still fully DP'd. So for me, smoking this stuff was an escape. I was EXTREMELY hesitant to start because I had some extremely negative experiences with weed (The Epiphany that kicked off my DP) but I said "Fuck it. I'm doing what I want." The first few times I barely inhaled, but then I started to legitimately smoke it. Initially it made me feel good, which is pretty much the main reason why people do drugs. It allowed me to forget about DP for a few hours and relax. I fell in love. I was smoking everyday. Twice a day. Three times a day. At work. I used this drug to escape from DP, but what I didn't realize was that it was slowly curing me. My blank mind? Gone when I was high. Inability to talk? I became the biggest extrovert I've ever been. My sense of humor? Sharper than ever. There was a time when I literally couldn't even talk to my mom and dad and now I was finding myself reconnect with old friends and talk for 3 hours straight. I was talking to everyone. All summer I was a mute at work; Walking around like a mindless zombie (GET IT!?!?!?! LOLZ) But now I was talking to my boss, co workers, and graduate students. Now this was all while I was high. And there were a few times when I smoked and got STUPID. Said stupid shit, acted dumb, just the whole 9 yards. I understood that it clearly helped, but I had to use it in moderation.

Then my parents caught me smoking and took it away. They refuse to believe the fact that this herbal incense (Fake Weed) helped me find my feet again. I even had a 2 hour family meeting with my therapist about the topic. So, I was forced to stop smoking for over a week. I was a little hesitant to stop because I found that it helped me when I was at my lowest, but I had to follow family rules. So I stopped, what happened? Nothing. I was just as normal high as I was sober. I was still fluent at talking, clearer in my thinking, and feeling emotions when I heard songs/watched movies. The smoking was what pulled me out of my DP. Undoubtedly. I had the support of family and friends the whole time, the only thing I changed was my choice to start smoking. All I can say, is I'm DP free now. Now of course, I'm not saying SMOKE CODE BLACK INCENSE! DO IT! YOU WILL GET CURED! No, not at all. It worked for me. It diverted my mind from the usual bullshit to thinking about important things such as family, friends, works, curing my DP, and talking. That is the KEY to curing DP. So that is how I recovered, but there are some things I realized about this disorder that I think can apply to just about everyone's DP.

*What I Found Helpful*

Your Mind is Your Best Friend/ Worst Enemy- I went from a completely blank mind to one that is sharper than BEFORE I had DP. Yes, sharper than when I was "normal". And one of the most important things I realized was that I was actually more of a mindless zombie for the first 18 years of my life than the 16 months that mind was completely devoid of thought. If you feed automatic negative thoughts that your mind creates you will start to believe them. Constant and remorseful negative thoughts will KILL your chance of recovery and prolong your DP only longer. See how I said "automatic" negative thoughts? That's what happens. You become so used to thinking negatively that these thoughts just pour into your head without you even consciously creating them. Even when you're head is in that place, you CAN get out. But you have to REALLY observe and figure out how your mind works. I had NO understanding of my mind before DP, then it went completely blank, and now it's sharper than ever. My mind is best friend right now. I'm constantly creating thoughts that I didn't even know I was capable of creating. Medicine and therapy will only take you so far, you have to take control of your own mind if you really want to recover.

Sometimes Thinking Selfishly Can Help You- People with DP tend to think about themselves/DP all the time. Catastrophizing the situation into something greater than it really is. I'm not downplaying the severity of anyone's DP or saying that mine is worse than all of yours. But we tend to make things more of a big deal when they happen to us. Just human nature. To us, DP is the worst thing that has ever happened and all other mental disorders aren't SHIT compared to what we go through? Is that true? To an extent, DP is horrendous. No doubt, but you have to realize that it is curable. If you deny all notion of getting better you will not get better. Plain and simple. I accepted my fate with DP. I thought it would be forever like many on this board, but that's not the case. Not at all. I think it's important to accept that you may be in this for the long haul, but don't completely outrule the possibility of recovery. The minute you stop caring about yourself, everyone else will too. Why should anyone give a shit about you if you don't? I know I did. There were times when my family and friends cared more about myself that I did. But you have to realize this situation is completely in your hands. Take the time to figure out the root of your DP if you don't already know. After you know what caused it, focus on curing it. Do anything you can to try curing this. Even if it seems stupid or ridiculous, try anyway. You'll learn something from the situation. It's important to think about other people and they're concerns, but you can't fully help another person if you can't help yourself. This is what I mean by implying the concept of selfish thinking. Think about yourself and how you will better yourself because once you do that, you can focus on helping others as well.

Force Yourself to Go into Social Situations- Like I said, I was practically a mute for over a year. I only talked in therapy for an hour and that was all. Once I left that office and leather couch, everything reverted back to the way they were before I entered that room. I made excuses for myself for months.

"I can't do social situations. I'll just be a mute."
"I won't be interesting or have anything important to say."
"Everyone will notice I'm not talking and point it out."
"I've already gone out this week and was silent, I'm not doing that shit to myself again. Hell naw."
"I'll just live my life as a hermit."

These thoughts and ideas are what fed my DP and social anxiety. I believed these thoughts for so long and what do you know, they were all true. But no matter how tough shit gets, you have to push through it. The people who are willing to go through the pain period will experience the most gain. Pain is temporary. DP can be temporary if you make it too. YOU CAN RECOVER.

Like I said, I haven't smoked in over 2 weeks and my mind and social skills are sharper than they were before DP. The incense was what I needed to pull my mind out of the constant funk that it was in 24/7. My mind was either completely blank or playing a song. There were times when I had a song playing in my head all day long, from the moment I woke up to when I went to sleep. Terrible. Now I have no fear of social situations. Well, maybe not completely no fear, but I'm much more comfortable because I KNOW have important things to say. I had a great personality before DP, found it literally at 0%, and now it's better than ever. If you push yourself into social situations, because interaction with others is KEY to recovery, you will eventually become better at it. Try with your family because they won't judge you. Then old friends. And try meeting new friends, something that I still need to work on. I can't stress the importance of social situations especially seeing as I was as close to a mute as you can be.

Find a Hobby- No, thinking about DP all day is NOT a hobby due to contrary belief. You need to divert your mind from DP. Think about it sometimes, it's inevitable. But thinking about the fact that you'll never recover will make you never recover. If you're going to think about it, try to think about recovery. Not how you never will recover, but how you will find peace and that peace from DP will make you stronger than you ever were. Because you can beat this. If I can, you can. No excuses. Excuses are a waste of time. You'll believe them and you'll never get better. If you've lost interest in music, pick up your instrument. Even if you don't find pleasure in it. I stopped guitar for months. Now? I bought a home recording studio and have been playing more than ever. I'm thinking about opening up my own studio in 10/15 years if I can. By that time, my hobby can become a profession. I can actually make money off of something that I love doing. Isn't that what we all want?

Don't Focus on Your Symptoms- Even the worse of your worst symptoms will become more intense when you think about them. Thinking about your symptoms won't make them go away, if anything they will intensify them. You're symptoms will stay whether you think about them or not, but you'll find that they are less intense when you're not thinking about them.

Medication and Therapy- I recommend trying both at some point, but like I said before I don't think that they will cure your DP fully. As we all know, there is no CURE or medicine for DP. Doctors can prescribe SSRIs or Anti-Psychotics but they're not made to treat DP so guess what? They won't! SURPRISE!? Not really. I'm not saying that some medications won't lessen anxiety or help with harmful thoughts, but no medication or amount of therapy will be the direct cause of producing a recovery. The real work beings when you are on your own or off of medication. The only "medication" that I had success with was the Code Black herbal incense, which I decided to try on my own. Like I said, I'm not saying go out and buy this right away, but it was what I need to put my mind on the right track.

Don't Give Up- Suicide is NOT an option. I tried. Twice. And I'm so damn happy that I'm still here, stronger than before. Once you take your life, it's over. It sounds like common sense, but we only get one life. (YOLO?) It will end sooner or later, why would you want to end it sooner and completely ruin all chances of recovery? I can't tell you how sweet life feels now after being at the lowest of my lows.

Finally, a quote.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. Now that I've cured my DP, the biggest obstacle I've ever had to face, life doesn't seem so difficult. No, I'm not saying that curing your DP will ensure that you live a happy and healthy life for as long as you live, but a lot of things that seemed troubling before won't seem as difficult now that you've conquered the monster that is DP. Once the DP leaves, you can focus on self-improvement and self-discovery like the rest of us. DP is just a bump in the road if you let it be. Succumb to fear and you will not be cured. You have to tackle this shit head on and make recovery your number one priority.

End Post.

So that's all I got to say and it's more informative than any bullshit recovery program you can buy. Even if you don't read it all, just skim it because I can guarantee you'll find something that resonates with you. Maybe something you're doing that has been prolonging your DP or just a different perspective to the condition. I plan on stopping by from time to time, mostly to check my PMs, but I'm glad to try and provide help to anyone who needs it. You won't get more real advice than from someone who dealt with and beat the condition.

Peace out my fellow DPers, may you find relief from this horrible condition and live life to the fullest. No matter what anyone says, recovery is possible.

Pete


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## PhoenixDown

Pete,

This is amazing. You have no idea how happy I am for you. It's so cool to not just hear a recovery story, but hear one from a sufferer with whom I kept in contact. This is so inspiring! Moderators... this should be an immediate sticky for the forum. This is one of the major, legitimate recovery stories from the board. I know WalkingZombie was one of the worst cases too! I can only say, this is reason for all of us to keep fighting this bastard condition.

Congrats buddy!

Phoenix


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## Walkingzombie

PhoenixDown said:


> Pete,
> 
> This is amazing. You have no idea how happy I am for you. It's so cool to not just hear a recovery story, but hear one from a sufferer with whom I kept in contact. This is so inspiring! Moderators... this should be an immediate sticky for the forum. This is one of the major, legitimate recovery stories from the board. I know WalkingZombie was one of the worst cases too! I can only say, this is reason for all of us to keep fighting this bastard condition.
> 
> Congrats buddy!
> 
> Phoenix


Dude, thank you so much! I honestly made this post directed towards you to be honest, just thought it would be better to share this information with the entire board. You and I have been through the ringer man, and I'm just finding relief. I am positive that you will too. You and I have been as real as it gets with this condition. I didn't want to make a post that was bullshit or fake. I wanted to post my exact experience with the condition and what I did to fix it. I know if others follow this advice, they can make a full recovery too. Like you said man, I was a fucking BRUTAL case. I saw 12 doctors, tried 15+ medications, and ultimately I discovered that I had to cure DP myself. No one is going to do this for you. It's easy to say, but if you really want recovery you have to try it. Even after all else fails, try again because that might be the time that you're successful. I love you man and I look forward to talking to you further and aiding you every way I can in your recovery process.


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## MIndfAEL

I thought everyone had blank mind? mine is 24/7 so does that mean it will be harder for me to recover?


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## MIndfAEL

and i forgot to thank you ill definetely read your post when im feelin down.


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## Walkingzombie

mmarcus said:


> I thought everyone had blank mind? mine is 24/7 so does that mean it will be harder for me to recover?


It definitely was hard for me to recover with it. It's like the biggest tool that you once had is gone and you know you're in a hole, but you don't have your thoughts to try to figuring things out and get you through it. I had for 16 months and I recovered. If you've had it shorter than me I have faith you can recover. If you have any questions about it feel free to ask. It was a BITCH to overcome, but possible. Hard, but completely doable. And I'm glad the post helped you out, read it when you're down, but feel free to message me to talk person when you're down. I'll be glad to help.


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## Felicity

Wow, sounds like that herbal essence really did something positive for you. Congrats!


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## Walkingzombie

Felicity said:


> Wow, sounds like that herbal essence really did something positive for you. Congrats!


Thanks! Like I said, I'm not recommending everyone go out and try this because most people on this forum understand that drug use, especially marijuana whether real or synthetic, can cause HUGE problems for DP. It UNDOUBTEDLY cured mine. It was the only thing I decided to really change on my own. Support from family and friends was constant, but this was the one thing that I changed and it changed me.


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## My storm ran out of rain

Walkingzombie said:


> Thanks! Like I said, I'm not recommending everyone go out and try this because most people on this forum understand that drug use, especially marijuana whether real or synthetic, can cause HUGE problems for DP. It UNDOUBTEDLY cured mine. It was the only thing I decided to really change on my own. Support from family and friends was constant, but this was the one thing that I changed and it changed me.


How long have you been recovered? Could you tell that you were starting to recover or did it just happen all at once?


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## Guest

Nice Post & Congratulations! I have just one question and it's similar to the one above. Is there a point where you could draw a line and say "Okay I'm DP/DR, here. And now I'm recovered, here."???


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## Walkingzombie

Native said:


> Nice Post & Congratulations! I have just one question and it's similar to the one above. Is there a point where you could draw a line and say "Okay I'm DP/DR, here. And now I'm recovered, here."???


Good question and Yes actually. It wasn't a wake up epiphany and BOOM I'm cured. I found relief from my symptoms when I was high, but it was only after I was forced to stop smoking that I found continued relief. There was temporary repersonalization while high, but it in fact carried over to my sobriety. Granted, I like being high more, but I can't spend the rest of my life high. As an occasional thing I can see it happening, but not nearly as frequently as I did when I started. SO basically, I found temporary relief initially only when high, forced to stop, DP free while sober. HOORAY! Oh, and this all occurred in under a month. Crazy right? I was DP'd for about a year and a half. Start smoking and WEEKS later I'm completely repersonalized and better at everything I was before DP.


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## ourworldsgreatest

Wow man, congratulations. Really inspiriting story and some great tips. I assume that at your worst moments of your DPDR you weren't able to experience any emotions (happiness, sadness, the feeling of excitement, etc). When you smoked did all of your emotions kind of flood back to you were able to actually experience these feelings again? For me at least smoking usually lets me take my mind off DPDR for a little bit but it still keeps me numb to all my my emotions that DPDR took away from me.


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## Walkingzombie

ourworldsgreatest said:


> Wow man, congratulations. Really inspiriting story and some great tips. I assume that at your worst moments of your DPDR you weren't able to experience any emotions (happiness, sadness, the feeling of excitement, etc). When you smoked did all of your emotions kind of flood back to you were able to actually experience these feelings again? For me at least smoking usually lets me take my mind off DPDR for a little bit but it still keeps me numb to all my my emotions that DPDR took away from me.


That definitely bothered me, but nowhere near as much as my constant blank mind and inability to talk. Nothing pissed me off more than that. How do you fix a blank mind with a blank mind? Kinda funny and interesting to be honest. Something I realized in the shower tonight. The emotions came back especially when I listened to and played music while high. Then it carried over into sobriety. It's actually incredible, because I'm a much better musician now than I was before DP. I don't know if I even consider myself as a musician, but rather someone who plays an instrument and sings. Now I can actually hear a melody or chord progression in my mind and INSTANTLY play it on guitar. Something I was NEVER able to do, even before my DP. I can't stress enough how vital this code black was in my recovery. I'd hate to attribute all of my gains to it and disregard the support of family and friends because that was constant throughout and helped me at some low points, but I didn't always believe the words that they said. There are no truer words of recovery and it's possibilities than from someone who's experienced it AND recovered. Don't let anyone tell you that recovery isn't possible. It's Bullshit. Plain and simple. And the drug helped divert my mind from constant blankness or thinking about not thinking. (Read that last one over again. Fucked up.) But to answer your question more fully, my emotions came back even after being high. Here's an important thing that I realized about DP and my lack of emotions. I really didn't have anything going on in my life to feel any real emotions. My day to day routine was exactly the same. I did different things, but with a blank mind everything loses value and everything looks and feels the same. There is little variety when music, movies, tv, conversation, and whatever else you used to enjoy because it was different starts to blend into one thing. Now, they are completely separate and provide separate entertainment and enjoyment. I'm really just trying to find joy or some bit of information to take away from every situation.


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## glitteranddoom

are you able to enojy music again?


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## Walkingzombie

glitteranddoom said:


> are you able to enojy music again?


Enjoy? It's become my life. All I want to do is play and record when I'm home. And when I'm gone? It's all I'm thinking about it. At work, I listen to music for the entire 8 hours. So yeah, you could say music is "ok".


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## glitteranddoom

Walkingzombie said:


> Enjoy? It's become my life. All I want to do is play and record when I'm home. And when I'm gone? It's all I'm thinking about it. At work, I listen to music for the entire 8 hours. So yeah, you could say music is "ok".


and what about when you were DPd?

cause i have moments when i dont really feel derealized or dp but i still cant get into the music like i could before ...


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## Walkingzombie

glitteranddoom said:


> and what about when you were DPd?
> 
> cause i have moments when i dont really feel derealized or dp but i still cant get into the music like i could before ...


At my lowest, music meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.


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## ourworldsgreatest

Walkingzombie said:


> That definitely bothered me, but nowhere near as much as my constant blank mind and inability to talk. Nothing pissed me off more than that. How do you fix a blank mind with a blank mind? Kinda funny and interesting to be honest. Something I realized in the shower tonight. The emotions came back especially when I listened to and played music while high. Then it carried over into sobriety. It's actually incredible, because I'm a much better musician now than I was before DP. I don't know if I even consider myself as a musician, but rather someone who plays an instrument and sings. Now I can actually hear a melody or chord progression in my mind and INSTANTLY play it on guitar. Something I was NEVER able to do, even before my DP. I can't stress enough how vital this code black was in my recovery. I'd hate to attribute all of my gains to it and disregard the support of family and friends because that was constant throughout and helped me at some low points, but I didn't always believe the words that they said. There are no truer words of recovery and it's possibilities than from someone who's experienced it AND recovered. Don't let anyone tell you that recovery isn't possible. It's Bullshit. Plain and simple. And the drug helped divert my mind from constant blankness or thinking about not thinking. (Read that last one over again. Fucked up.) But to answer your question more fully, my emotions came back even after being high. Here's an important thing that I realized about DP and my lack of emotions. I really didn't have anything going on in my life to feel any real emotions. My day to day routine was exactly the same. I did different things, but with a blank mind everything loses value and everything looks and feels the same. There is little variety when music, movies, tv, conversation, and whatever else you used to enjoy because it was different starts to blend into one thing. Now, they are completely separate and provide separate entertainment and enjoyment. I'm really just trying to find joy or some bit of information to take away from every situation.


I'm not sure if you're familiar with the field of nuerology but what it seems cured you is nureoplasticity. You practiced the same activities that you used to enjoy while you were high, and you were actually able to experience the old emotions of happiness and be your old self again. The more you did it, the more the same neurons in the brain "fired together" creating stronger and stronger connections. So it's natural that when you stopped smoking you still felt great. It's because your neurons had already rewired themselves and it didn't matter if you were high or not to experience those feelings. Your brain saw that you were using the neurons associated with DPDR less and less and decided that they were no longer neeeded. I'm just mentioning this is if you're still curious as to why you miraculously began to feel less depersonalized the more you smoked.

But yeah, for me what brought on the initial onset of DPDR was my OCD. I had a constant flood of thoughts coming into my mind and at one point I was noticing every little detail in everything, questiong every fucking thing and turning everything into a "what-if." That's kinda what my DPDR centers around too. It's odd how one person's DPDR can have the side affect of a completley blank mind and the others can revolve around the constant stream of all kinds of thoughts and stimuli that you just want to stop.

But I've since gotten over OCD largely (the cause of my DPDR) but the lack of emotion still remains. What truly kills me the most is that I've had OCD for the last 10 years of my life and I always thought the day when I finally beat it would be the best of my life. But since I aquired DPDR along the journey I absolutely couldn't feel any kind of joy or excitement or anything. I've made huge leaps and bounds and I have full confidence I will recover though using the exact same techniques that I used to cure my OCD. I wish other people on this forum hadn't fallen into such a pit of despair though. So many people have kind of given up all hope that they will ever get better when the proof that it is possible is right in all of these stories from people like you.


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## emptybody

Hey Walkingzombie,

That is awesome, I'm really happy for you. I remember reading a lot of your posts in the past and they never sounded good. I can relate to a lot of things you posted here, so it's really inspiring too.

Let me quote a few paragraphs from one of your older threads:



> When I go out with my friends, I don't talk anymore. I just sit in the corner, lost in the nothingness that exists inside my mind. I have no idea how I'm going to complete college. Last semester I ended up withdrawing because I was going to fail all my classes. Even if I somehow complete college, a real job isn't even an option. My social anxiety has taken everything away from me. I work at a job, but don't talk at all. I have yet to speak first at the job this year. It's simply humiliating.
> 
> I also always having a numbing sensation in my front area of my head. It's like my brain is trying to tell me to think or something. I just feel like I've lost my soul. At 18, it's a terrible feeling to know that the future is as bleak as the present or that there really is no real future. In addition to having lost my ability to create new memories, I've lost all sense of the present moment. Time feels suspended.
> 
> I want to have hope, but I struggle to find hope. I'm trapped in my own mind and nothing is going on there. It's dead silent. I don't expect many responses, but I just wanted to put my experience into words.


Has this all gone away for you? I can relate to every single sentence on there. It really is the worst.

Also, this one really hit home too:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28918-brain-being-completely-reset/

Did this all dissappear for you after your recovery? How exactly did it happen?

If you got through all of this I guess I have a chance too. I'm too much of a cynical person though, so I don't see it happening.









Anyway, congratulations man. Stay healthy.


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## Walkingzombie

someone123 said:


> Hey Walkingzombie,
> 
> That is awesome, I'm really happy for you. I remember reading a lot of your posts in the past and they never sounded good. I can relate to a lot of things you posted here, so it's really inspiring too.
> 
> Let me quote a few paragraphs from one of your older threads:
> 
> Has this all gone away for you? I can relate to every single sentence on there. It really is the worst.
> 
> Also, this one really hit home too:
> 
> http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28918-brain-being-completely-reset/
> 
> Did this all dissappear for you after your recovery? How exactly did it happen?
> 
> If you got through all of this I guess I have a chance too. I'm too much of a cynical person though, so I don't see it happening.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway, congratulations man. Stay healthy.


Reading those again were pretty tough to do. It's scary to see how negative of a person I was then, but it was so true to me then. When shit is consistently bad its the only thing you can focus on but even when you're at your lowest you have to try and think positive. It seems like just about every thought that pops in my head now is optimistic. I can't stress how important positive thinking is. I'm not saying that just thinking positive thoughts will cure you, but the more you have the more you believe them. Positive thinking won't cure you. It's putting those thoughts into action that will produce the best results for you

About being cynical, I know about it. I'm stubborn as shit and I became stubborn about the fact that I'd never recover. Then, I said fuck this. It's not getting me anywhere. If you're going to be stubborn, get stubborn about recovery.

And thanks for the support! Message me personally if you Want to talk further.

Oh and everything I said in my early posts is gone. Every symptom vanished. I have faith you can get through this. Especially if we had similar experiences.


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## noname

Thats a great post and a great idea to come to say this, thx. What was the kind of marijuana did you exactly smoke ? more sativae , indica ? Im 51% serious


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## Walkingzombie

noname said:


> Thats a great post and a great idea to come to say this, thx. What was the kind of marijuana did you exactly smoke ? more sativae , indica ? Im 51% serious


Hahaha, honestly I don't know but it was one of the first times I smoked dank. All I know is that single thought messed me up for a long time, but now that I'm recovered I see DP as a blessing in my life. Yeah, I said it. Even though it fucked me up it was easy the most important phase of my life. I have such a greater appreciation for the beauty of life. I'm kinda considering the option of becoming a motivational speaker or something down the road. Just a thought, but I always had the ability to talk well in front of a big group of people. That's why becoming a mute was so hard for me to accept. I refused to live the rest of my life like that


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## opie37060

Interesting thread. I wonder how many people are going to go out and try some of this herbal insence now. I would try it but it's not for me. But becareful if you do try this stuff it's very dangerous. I know it says herbal and all natural but my friend ended up going to hospital after smoking some of this. There as also been reported deaths while using this. But whatever works for you guys. Best of luck.


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## Lightsleeper

I've been DPed for many years now, probably since I was 17/18. I used to drink energy drinks and those pre-workout powders to use for working out, I believe that's what caused my DP. The strange thing is I wasn't even aware of my condition until I started dating and kissing.. I was thinking to myself "shouldn't a kiss feel better than this?". Then when I started having sex I knew something was wrong.. I just couldn't feel anything physically or mentally. I might have been DPed for years before I actually realised I wasn't "present in reality".. I don't even know what that feels like anymore.. it's like DP is the only reality I remember now.
Anyway.. I only feel good when I drink alcohol and take stimulants. I've stopped alcohol for 2 weeks and stimulants (pre-workout drink/powders) for over a month but it just made me feel worse. When I take stimulants and alcohol I feel amazing, lots of energy, I can think clearly and talk to people. Although I still feel like I'm watching myself and not actually present. Even several days after I've taken stimulants and alcohol I feel quite good but overtime I go back into full DP mode. I don't know if I should take stimulants on a daily basis? They make me feel great.. but I've also heard they can make your condition worse. I don't know which option to choose but it seems like either way I'm screwed. What do you think about this zombie?

Edit: I think another reason I have DP is because I constantly wake up throughout the night, never getting a decent night's sleep. Stimulants and alcohol are supposed to mess up sleep even more. When you smoked did you find that it messed up your sleep?


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## MatrixGravity

I fail to comprehend how this is considered a recovery story. All you're basically saying is that you got fed up with your DP, and you started experimenting with various substances, and experienced a positive adverse reaction that supposedly "cured" your DP. This isn't a real recovery story. From what I understand, you didn't really attempt to make any significant lifestyle changes or really do anything that could have helped alleviate your symptoms. You just basically went back to drugs. Not really sure how that's supposed to positively influence anybody. I don't intend on taking a gamble like that.


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## Tommygunz

FUCK YEAH MADAFAKAH!!!


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## noname

> I fail to comprehend how this is considered a recovery story. All you're basically saying is that you got fed up with your DP, and you started experimenting with various substances, and experienced a positive adverse reaction that supposedly "cured" your DP. This isn't a real recovery story. From what I understand, you didn't really attempt to make any significant lifestyle changes or really do anything that could have helped alleviate your symptoms. You just basically went back to drugs. Not really sure how that's supposed to positively influence anybody. I don't intend on taking a gamble like that.


I understand approximately 0% of the logic of your thread, the guy just say how have happen his recovery , you assume thats a positive adverse reaction from drugs(dude...), that he should make some lifestyle change which supposely help (so if u know that why are u not recovered ?)... I understand we can criticize the endless amount of unhonest post about 'random number% recovered' or the classic 'Im recovered, Im just left with strange disconnection from myself and reality', but here I see no reason to critiscize OP...


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## opie37060

MatrixGravity said:


> I fail to comprehend how this is considered a recovery story. All you're basically saying is that you got fed up with your DP, and you started experimenting with various substances, and experienced a positive adverse reaction that supposedly "cured" your DP. This isn't a real recovery story. From what I understand, you didn't really attempt to make any significant lifestyle changes or really do anything that could have helped alleviate your symptoms. You just basically went back to drugs. Not really sure how that's supposed to positively influence anybody. I don't intend on taking a gamble like that.


Agree that the op really didn't try any significant changes beside smoking fake weed and that by doing that he somehow got out of dp. But he did recover and that is the point of this thread.


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## opie37060

noname said:


> I understand approximately 0% of the logic of your thread, the guy just say how have happen his recovery , you assume thats a positive adverse reaction from drugs(dude...), that he should make some lifestyle change which supposely help (so if u know that why are u not recovered ?)... I understand we can criticize the endless amount of unhonest post about 'random number% recovered' or the classic 'Im recovered, Im just left with strange disconnection from myself and reality', but here I see no reason to critiscize OP...


Also agree that we shouldn't critiscize the op. Even if the way he recovered isn't the best way for 99% of the people on this forum.


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## Tommygunz

It seems a lot of people are missing the overall point of the OP. It wasn't the stuff he smoked. It was the change in his mind set. He managed to attain the state of mind that everyone has to reach in order to recover. Everyone i've talked to and worked with through the recovery process has this "Ah Ha" moment. Where they get "it". The moment where it makes sense to them and they understand why they've been held back from recovering for so long. The OP was trying to communicate that state of mind and how to reach it. Unfortunately i've never seen anyone be able to put it into words in a way that translates well enough for people to understand it. You pretty much can't genuilly understand it until you have it. That's why I refer to it as the "Ah Ha" moment.


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## opie37060

True that tommygunz.


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## noname

Walkingzombie can you give me the composition of code black incense if u know it by mp ? and the effect - dissociative (canna, salvia, ketamin) , "delirogen" (high dose of salvia, datura







I think not) , hallucinogen (canna high dose, LSD, psylo), or simply relaxing (benzo or other)
Dont fear Im not sure to try it, thats essentially by curiosity - Ive banned all dissociative from my life, ive done sufficiently (LSD, salvia, pot...)


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## meghan28

Hey Pete,
glad to hear about your recovery. Do you think it's okay to ONLY read positive posts in this section of dpselfhelp.com when trying to recover? OR, do you think it's best to just avoid this site in general?


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## DP boy

I Would gladly try some k2 and see what happens but I fear itll put me into a panic perhaps a klonopin and k2 mix would be the way to go.


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## mimomo

Wow...thank you so much for this. Reading through this entire post instantly put me in a better mood.


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## Walkingzombie

Ok guys, just like I did on my last recovery story, I wanted to bump this one too. I personally think both of them should be stickied, and I'm sure a majority of the users would agree too. As I've said before NO ONE had a worse case of DP than me. I lost everything a man can lose. His "Friends", his "Family", his girl friend, his mind, his soul, his sense of humor, his LOVEEEEEEE of music, his talent at instruments, his social skills, his appreciation for video games, his taste in food and drink, and more importantly his entire mind. I had ZERO mind all day long and STILL walked around completely near impossible tasks without the help or need of any thoughts. What I did while being DP'd the entire time is near comprehensible. You have ZERO excuse to sit in your house all day and isolate yourself from all of humanity and focus soley on the bullshit symptoms that you created and CONSTANTLY feed in your own head. IF you want to get better you will. That's it. There's no bullshit fancy pill to it. The medical community has no pills they can prescribe because DP is just a temporary mental condition, IF you let it be. Sure, you can have it for 5-10 years, but that's typically your own fault for letting yourself constantly feed the fear and negativity that the mental condition allows you to possess. So what if you feel emotionally numb? Don't you think everyone else does. Find new music. Eat new food. Watch new movies. Go out and meet new people. Start conversations with strangers. Share life experiences. Get in a relationship. Have unprotected sex! WHATEVER! Do fucking something because BELIEVE IT OR NOT, NO ONE is going to cure DP for you. Like I said in my other post, you couldn't get better advice if GOD beamed it into your fucking little brains. Take it or leave it. You can sit and wallow in self pity all you want, but NO ONE is going to feel bad for you. No one can understand DP, so don't waste your time bitching and complaining to people you know about it. Try engaging in new and insightful conversations. Apply for a job. Work on social skills. LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE! I can't stress enough how important it is to listen to other people. You'll find yourself engaging in new and playful conversations if you do.

Since coming to this forum and posting my recovery story my life has changed in insurmountable ways and I actually fully discovered my sense of self, ego, self worth, pride, happiness, and a million other things. People CAN'T forget me once they meet me because of how uniquely different and interesting I am. I went from a wallflower of a personality to that of a God. You have to just let yourself go with the current, because you really can't think your way out of it. It just isn't impossible. Form new ideas and act upon them. If you actually have a desire to engage in something new, take the risk and try it. Pain is prerequisite for mental gain. Life and philosophy is that simple and plain. Now that you've experience mental main, make substantial gains in your life by either trying new things or forcing yourself to engage yourself in things that you used to love, but now hate or find difficult to do. It'll all come back I promise, and in 10 fold.

DP is probably the worst mental condition, aside from social anxiety which I had coupled at the same time, because the mental community has no real advice or drug that you can take to cure it. Know why? Because it's just a bullshit fallacy that we let our mind create and run wild with, which causes us to feel extremely uncomfortable, yet TEMPORARY, emotions. Now you can sit and post DOES ANYONE HAVE DIS SYMPTOM or WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY TOES ANYMOREZ on the forum, but you won't get this advice from anyone on this planet fact. I'm a master of DP and a master of life after kicking the shit out of it. You'll never live again and every day is a new chance for the sweet taste of redemption. Follow my advice and you'll undoubtably be cured of DP. You can freely ignore it like it has been by everyone else on this forum, but I highly suggest you actually get up off your fat fucking asses and do something about the temporary mental condition you've been given. You'll undoubtedly thank me for it later.

Love forever,
Peter Christian Anthony Gadonas
215-605-0966

Call anytime. I'm here for you eternally.


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## Jonest22

Are you still on here for a discussion? Please please say you are?


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## wise

It's hard to move on from the things that hurt us because most of the time we feel guilty leaving behind 
a situation even though it's not serving us to stay in our current circumstances. We must always remember to put ourselves first
and not be so hard on ourselves and berate ourselves. We need to change our inner dialogue with ourselves because that sets the tone for everything.


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## Pondererer

Good stuff!


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