# YOU NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME..



## Guest (Mar 17, 2006)

HI.. I MYSELF FIND IT INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT / DESCRIBE THE EXPERIENCES THAT I HAD.. BUT I?LL GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT.. 10 YRS AGO WHEN I WAS 18 AFTER YEARS OF SMOKING POT AND TAKING ACID I FOUND MYSELF EXTREMELY DEPRESSED, AS DARK AS I COULD IMAGE, THERE WAS NO COMFORT IN ANYTHING..I WAS TRYING TO ACCEPT THAT I WAS GAY.. AND FIGURE OUT I WAS VERY INTELLIGENT OR VERY STUPID!!.. I WAS AFRAID OF PEOPLE AND I HATED MYSELF AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME.. I SUPOSSE THE WORST THING I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING WAS SMOKING POT.. I LIVED WITH A BUNCH OF MATES IN WATERFORD A CITY CLOSE TO MY HOME TOWN IN IRELAND AND WE SMOKED ALOT! ONE W?END WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY BAD AS IN BEING DEPRESSED, AXNIOUS ETC.. I WNET BACK TO MY HOME TOWN STAY WITH A FRIEND.. I COULD FEEL THINGS WERE GETTING WORSE.. I WASN?T JUS DEPRESSED... I WASN?T ANYTHING LIKE THE PERSON I USE TO BE... ANYWAY ON THIS VISIT TO MY FRIENDS MY WAS GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF MYSELF, MY LIFE.. WHO I WAS , WHY, WHERE.. WHO WILL HELP.. WHY DID I FEEL THE WAY FELT, WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? YOU GET IT! CIRCLES! I WASN?T SLEEPING AND ANXITY WAS BUILING UP.. I HAD NOTICE AND NEW LANGUAGE BETWEEN PEOPLE.. HAD BEGAIN TO SEE LIFE IN A DIFFERNENT LIFE AS IF THERE WAS A SECRET WORLD WITHIN THE SMOKERS.. ( BY THE WAY THIS IS ALL BEFORE I LOST THE PLOT!!) ANYHOO THAT WEEKEND WHILE VISITNG MY FRIEND WE CALLED AROUND TO FEW MATES.. WHEN WE ARRIVED THERE WERE ABOUT 10 PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE.. SMOKING AND DRINKING HAD ALREADY STARTED.. I SAT MYSELF IN AN ARMCHAIR, I NEVER LIKED TO BE CLOSE TO ANYONE? AS I WAS FEELING DETACTED, INSECURE AND DEPRESSED I STARTED TO SLAG OFF THOSE THAT WERE IN THE ROOM? WHICH JUS MADE ME EVEN MORE PARANOID.. I HAD A BEER OR TWO.. A FEW DRAGS OF A JOINT.. BEGAIN TO MULL OVET MY LIVE, MY REALTIONSHIP WITH OTHERS ETC..IN THIS MOMENT A NEW FEELING CAME TO BE.. ONE I HAD NEVER FELT BEOFRE.. TELLING ME IT HAD ARRIVED!! WHAT!! AS THIS FEELING CREPT UP ON ME I COULD HEAR MY FRIENDS TALKING ABOUT ME.. ?AH HE?S COME UP? AH HE COPED ON? then I could hear them talking around me.. tracing all my thoughts.. always one step ahead.. my heart was beating very heavily and this new feeling was a new reality of gesters, winks and doulbe meaning? as this was happens I lifted my head to find a guy rolling a joint.. he looked up at me and nodded his head?a signel telling me ??GOTCHA!! .. WELL FROM THIS MOMENT EVERY THING WENT PEAR SHAPED? chow can I describe this? everyone could read my thoughts and replied to them! O even worse they controled my thoughts.. leading me up the garden path jus to show me the fool that I was!!! I repsponed to all this, and once you do that you are recognising it be real*? the feeling was and experience was something to the tune of the MATRIX.. I had to try to understand it! Solve the puzzle!! Get clued in! figure it out!.. I?M GONNA LEAVE YE HEAR FOLKS.. I COULD GO ON? I DIDN?T GIVE UP SMOKING FOR ABOUT 2-3 YRS AFTER AND THIS HAPPENED ALMOST EVERYTIME I SMOKED.. I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT.. WELL I THINK THAT?S WHAT IN WAS DOING? I?VE GOT LOTS OF SUGGESTIONS TO OVERCOME THE AFFECTS OR AT LEAST MEET IT FACE TO FACE? CONTACT ME! THANKS FOR YOUR TIME, HOPE YOU COULD GRASP ALL THAT .. Logi J


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