# It's Weird



## mana_war (Jul 3, 2014)

It's happened over and over again where I feel like I've caught the tail end to a solution, to a thread that leads out of all of this but then short term fragmented memory comes in and even if I had the will, which many times I felt I did now, even if I had it, it just disappeared from my head the next few minutes and none of theses threads carry emotional charge of any sort..they are bland resolutions and ideas? That I don't hold or carry on with because I'm mentally incapable of following a thought to its conclusion or an understanding to action or a resolution to accomplishment.

Every time I feel I have it..i look back a week later and think what happened to that, having it...where tf did it go
so confusing. What happened to my brain...what happened to my mind.

*sigh*

haven't posted in a while so just thought I'd vent..even though I probably make no sense

also I read a post on a PTSD forum that I so related to : (especially the bold parts)

"My dissociation is still pretty much the way it's always been, with the 'brain fogs' that roll in and out, the gaps in Memory, and the complete and total lack of emotions but now when I come out to full consciousness, I feel like a kid. Like a little boy who feels lost, with no sense of direction. I mean, I FEEL like a child that's just come into the world, and is confused by things that I suppose an adult wouldn't, *such as knowing what you want out of life, and where you're going in it*. It's like I'm wondering around for all the world to see, and unable to make sense of my self-experience at these times in order to gain some proper perspective. *Granted, I've been 'being other people' my whole life to contain **Abuse**, and to function when I was outside of the home environment;* it was the only thing that made sense about what I grew up with...it had to happen to other people, and that's how I've dealt with everything: be it positive, or negative, be someone who is capable of dealing with the experience.

I think this is mainly due to the dissociation of my memories, and experiences that I grew up with. With no memories of what I was fond of as a child, it's as if the 'child' never got to exist in me...I realize that since *I didn't get much time to actually be a child, and I had to constantly be in 'adult' mode, and think about safety, how to manage my grades, and projects, and then find work after high school...t*his has been a major problem in my finding out about myself, and what I like to do, since there was never any time for me to think about myself, or do for myself.

*I suppose, I'm stuck trying to act like a 20 something with the hard-nosed experience of an older man, and an emotional infrastructure of a child...everything feels so disparate, and each part is practically begging to be paid attention to, and I can't sort out who needs most attention, so I end up dissociating again....







There's just too many parts to negotiate, and since I'm emotionally out of practice, I don't know HOW to explain this properly, if I even AM doing so now! lol







*

I can feel the needs of the child, but the adult knows that the child had better not bond with others or ask for help because that would risk further damaging the child...I don't know why it's this complex, but I know that I have some issues...how can I get things back on track, and get some order in my life?"

~ORIGINAL POST HERE : https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/dissociating-into-a-child-like-state.31481/

then I remember how many times before I have read something and so related to it and how it never helped me or made any difference whatsoever to know someone else had felt what I feel.

then I also remembered before when my high school counsellor said she thought I had PTSD and then I remembered a post I read here yesterday about psychiatry being a lie and then I remembered how I never really believed in the categorizations of symptoms and defining as seperate diseases..then I remembered ..im studying psychology from now on after changing my major...then I remembered how lost I was in life.

and now I'm remembering that all this shit I am talking about in functionally nothing and I have a fucked up past that I can barely remember..and I'd do anything to feel my own pain at this point and remember everything..and now im remembering that if that happened i probably wouldn't be able to handle it and if ive never seriously contemplated suicide now, after remembering all of it I probably would....and then i remember all the things i need to do to get better....things I KNOW I need.,like getting out of my house and doing something with my miserable life....like socializing even though I have the social skills of a 5 year old...like engaging in what its supposed to be like being a 19 year old American kid..like saying fuck you to my hyper rational mind and realizing there is more in life that what makes sense and can be artistically articulated in a long ass line of words. I'm so god damn tired...and yet i cant cry for shit..and i dont know what to do...I don't think I ever have...and being attached to this cave world of mind I have needs to go away.

I just remembered wanting to post a topic then thinking very critically of my topics and thinking how much a nuisance it is to people here then now realizing im an idiot...why do i feel so self critical.. barely anybody will notice a random post.. let alone judge me for my topic..like the social anxiety has reached forum use.
brains are weird.
I'ts all weird... really really weird
It's weird saying weird so much in my head.......weird weird weird weeeiird...
anyway

I'm thinking of New Years resolutions..if anyone even reads this far, any ideas? Maybe I'll go make another topic... also sorry for the mind puke

also just remembered I found out yesterday that an old friend became a drug addict..
god life is shit right now..i just want it to stop...like press pause..but the world stops for no one..fuck her ....i really just feel like cutting off everyone and everything and somehow it feels like it'd be so good for me at the same time it could be the exact opposite...it just feels like what I do in life is what is strategic for survival....including my relationships with people...it's so dull living man...so dull
fuck this shit im gonna go sleep.
I feel one of those tips of a thread today...hopefully it goes somewhere this time...likely won't but anyway
goodnight world...gonna go read about regression and Freud and listen to some music..and try to simultaneously remember and forget.
c'ya

Resolutions Anyone? - http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/59690-resolutions/


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

sorry I didn't really completely process this, or have anything to add, but. I'm here. here's me showing you that I'm here. maybe that is worth something.


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## mana_war (Jul 3, 2014)

tfiio said:


> sorry I didn't really completely process this, or have anything to add, but. I'm here. here's me showing you that I'm here. maybe that is worth something.


Where? I can't see you or touch you.
Where are you?


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

I'm right here, silly.  and you can see me. you're seeing my words right now. they didn't just appear from nothing, they're a visible part of me. I know that's not enough for some people, and if that's true of you I understand. but you're not alone if you don't want to be.


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## mana_war (Jul 3, 2014)

tfiio said:


> I'm right here, silly.  and you can see me. you're seeing my words right now. they didn't just appear from nothing, they're a visible part of me. I know that's not enough for some people, and if that's true of you I understand. but you're not alone if you don't want to be.


You're cute. Well, wanna be my best friend for the new year?


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## tfiio (Nov 10, 2016)

I dunno that I offer much in terms of best-friend-ship, but I like trading messages with people, and I always answer. (I may not always ask, but I always answer.) and you seem interesting. so I suppose I might as well get to know you, at least. XD


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## devin44 (Nov 19, 2014)

Too cute


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## Pondererer (May 18, 2016)

As someone who feels the exact same way, your post make alot of sense to me. Especially the part about everything in life is just a survival strategy, including things like "fun" and "love". No emotions, just logic/tactic. I also feel like a child, who just wants to come out and play, as the 25year old that i am who wants to get up and thrive in life, with the wisdom and hardness of an older man who knows it all and is done with the "make your way in the world". Leaving me very confused and moving nowhere, just standing still and trying to comprehend whats happening around me. God my life is such a joke (not really, but yeah kinda) -.-


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