# I've tried everything imaginable for years and years



## easypeasy (Jun 13, 2012)

I'll try to cover main points but I'm not going to include everything as it would be a really boring book im sure :] I've had strange emotional/mental problems ever since I was a child. In the first grade I became fascinated, infatuated, and fearful of death. I'd fantasize about dying/murdering others/what it's like to die in really detailed,morbid, and just fucked up ways. Thoughts that shouldnt form in the mind of a little kid maybe? Haha. I remember the first time I really thought about killing myself was in the 3rd grade. Whenever I would try to sleep I thought I was going to die for some reason and ever since then I've had really bad insomnia which definitely didn't help. It was fear that took hold of my entire body and when I would go to my parents for comfort I would never want to wake them up so I would just stare at their faces in the dark and would freak myself out more because they looked like they were dead, and then I'd just obsess about people I love dying and leaving me. I'm not sure if this is where the beginning of my dp/dr started but I was definitely depressed. As I got older I became as depressed as one could be and my crazed thoughts would keep my insomnia going. I planned on killing myself before I graduated high school because I was just plain over life at that point and had already developed to many problems. Ungrateful maybe, but I'd figured the cons of life simply outweighed the pros. No matter what I had I felt nothing but anguish so really what's the point? I was already disconnected from reality at that point. Then my mom died my senior year of high school and it fucked me up beyond belief. I had no idea how to deal with it and plunged me deep into terrible mental issues. It's something you never get over. That was the major incident that pushed me into dr im sure. After I somewhat got a grip on the situation I was still really fucked up and depressed and always felt like i had no control over my thoughts. After seeing how a death in the family affected people I couldn't bring myself to kill myself. I care too much about people to do that to them you know? So I always feel trapped, I was going to leave this shitty place and now I cant. That fact alone drives me crazy, and the death of my mom always gets to me even after the mourning was over with. A couple years after that one of my life long friends killed himself, and then a year or so after that another close friend killed himself as well. I'm always the one counseling my friends with their life problems. After trying to fix myself for so long I have a really deep understanding of how people work it's weird. I have so much sympathy for people and can relate to peoples pains extremely well it's like im living through them. It just sucks because no one can help me, and I dont like putting my problems on other people. I've always had people who care about me, which is good obviously. But that makes me feel worse because I dont want to act sad around people I care about and then feel fake. Or disappoint family, or make people feel like they aren't good enough to keep me happy. It's just a cycle of bullshit with my mind states there's just no escaping it!
I have good family, friends, awesome girlfriend but I feel too depressed / disconnected all of the time. If I didn't have family I'd probably just lay in my bed until I starved to death and not even care lol. I go through every shitty symptom of these disorders and more I'm sure all day. The internal dialogue that runs through my mind is indescribably mind numbing and pretty hard to manage. Ive gone through phases of drinking/smoking weed but drinking definitely makes it worse overall but helps in the short term with just escaping reality. This depression/dr/dp has ruined my life and since it makes you look at everything insignificant I've never made goals cause i figured I wouldn't be around long. I've always thought about killing myself but the thought of making people around me sad has stopped me. At this point its so bad to where I dont really feel anything like that which is super fucked up. I just feel crazy like an animal. I felt like i was pretty close to being able to just crash my car today and end my life, when I get moodchanges now sometimes I just snap and start going crazy. feels like im getting pretty close to actually killing myself sometimes. I don't want to and I honestly have always strived to get better. But in reality I think people like me are just destined to end their lives because of these kind of problems, the thought of dying really doesn't bother me. And im not religious so I know im just going to rot in the ground and when I'm dead that's the end. No more shitty thoughts. Any advice? Besides don't do it/wait it out..been doing that for years and years. feel free to ask questions any help is greatly appreciated. Sorry if this jumps around and/or doesn't make sense.


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## easypeasy (Jun 13, 2012)

feels good man


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## AccutaneT (Apr 6, 2012)

I'm surprized, thanks!


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## easypeasy (Jun 13, 2012)

i get a negative vote for this? zero input/advice, figures as much... fuck this forum lol, later.


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## SnowFlake (Jul 7, 2012)

I think you got a negative vote because your "feels good man" makes it sound like all you are doing is attention getting. It makes it seem like you aren't very serious about wanting to get better.
You didn't even say anything you've tried.


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