# no identity...... no emotions



## birdiehead (Apr 19, 2010)

i feel like i can't take it anymore. i'm just some piece of shit walking the earth. i can't experience life anymore. i never formed a strong identity and now can no longer feel anything which is the most intolerable feeling. recovery is not possible. i've had this for 18 years and it's only gotten worse since it started. i didn't even know i had dpd until a few years ago then i lost all my emotions about a year ago. i feel like a monster even though i have never done anything bad. medication doesn't help the dpd. i have no hope of recovery. my condition has become my identity so basically i just feel like a mental illness. i'm so jealous of all the normal people. i just wanna be normal. now i'm taking pain killers just to get through the day. i can't give or receive loving feelings.

when you know you will never recover what do you do? my soul is gone. some say it's dormant. i've tried everything to make myself better and nothing helps. i don't know who i am anymore. i have to fake everything. i feel like i can't live with myself anymore.

how will i get my emotions back? how will i create a secure identity? i chose a really bad path since childhood. for some god damn reason i started to dissociate at a early age. my know my family just sees me as a burden now. all i talk about is my illness. it has totally consumed me. i'd go to a hospital in a second if it would help me but there is nothing to do. NOTHING! i can't even be around my family anymore because i feel so guilty for being this way. i can't move forward because i can't feel anything to get motivated. i don't have to worry about going to heaven or hell because i don't have an ego/identity. life has become a cruel joke and it's all my fault. none of my sisters turned out this way. just me. this whole situation is fucked!!! all i can think of is myself and i fucking hate it.

can anyone tell me what to do? i've talked to experts on dpd and none have given me any hope to stand on. the only thing i was told is that the numbness becomes for tolerable when you hit your 40's. so i'm 34. so i have to live in hell for the next 6 years then live in a more tolerable hell after words?

knowing this i can't find the courage to end my life. i know i'll never recover and i still can't get up the nerve to do it. i guess i think one day i'll be well but when i look at the facts i know it's not possible.my family used to feel sorry for me. now i'm just a burden. now i'm putting them through hell.

i know life isn't fair. i know bad things happen to good people. i know some people lose loved ones. some lose limbs. but to lose your soul? to lose your ability to feel? i know there is no god know if you can lose your soul and your left with just a body and horrible thoughts. i've turned to God too. asking him to save me. i've had people pray for me. so many people love me and i can't love them back. i can't fucking feel anything!!!!! i have no self!! no identity!! no emotions!!! i'm dead but living.i'm not a human being. human beings have feelings. that's what makes one human. so i'm not human.


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## Aridity (Jun 12, 2011)

Damn,this is exactly how I feel for about 3 months. I can't even think about having this for 18 years,I honestly dont know what to say. Because you've tried everything I feel honestly sorry for you. But stay strong really <3.


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## vathomson (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi Birdiehead and aridity I am 58 and though I've been feeling DP in various degrees probably most of my life. I never had a clue. just that things weren't right. I also have felt a void of feelings faking it. I still keep telling myself that I know L can and do love the people in my life. I think out of all the aspects this has been the hardest. Up until February I had no idea what has been going on just that it was getting so overwhelming I wanted to stay locked in my room. I decided to see a counselor he is very helpful. He ezplained to me what was happening and there was a releif knowing I wasn't a sociopath or going completely insane. He says that DP is not an illness it's a disconnection of a neurlogic pathway that helps us with uncomfortable or stressful situations our brains feel they have to seperate us to proyect us and sometimes our brain wants to handle everything this way. I'm sure you've noticed the more you try to fight it the more out of control iy gets. He is helping me with tools to build a new pathway to deal with these yhinds. I am in noway cured but L am feeling better and do see light at the end of the tunnel. My suggestion to you guys is to find a counselor that is experiemced with DP I was very lucky not only is he knowledgeable he had it himself as a child. I like that with him he feels that it is more important to learn tools than to dwell on how or when it started. So ask questions and find a counselor whom is willing to help you beable to deal with it yourself. I do feel there is hope and even a possibility I can have a normal productive life even though I am 58
Good Luck


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## Jpa (Oct 10, 2012)

This is exactly the way I feel birdiehead. I had severe dp/dr for 5 months. It was all caused from anxiety. I continued to do my daily routine and the out of body experience left me along with dream like state but I feel like I have no clue who I am now. I feel less connected to my family and have no emotion for anything. All the horrible thoughts have ruined everything for me. How are you feeling now? I guess I'm going to have to re create a new me not sure how to do that though. I'm so hopeless and feel so bad for my kids. I used to be so much fun and now I can't get excited about anything. Please help anyone!


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## Guest (Oct 19, 2012)

birdiehead said:


> i feel like i can't take it anymore. i'm just some piece of shit walking the earth. i can't experience life anymore. i never formed a strong identity and now can no longer feel anything which is the most intolerable feeling. recovery is not possible. i've had this for 18 years and it's only gotten worse since it started. i didn't even know i had dpd until a few years ago then i lost all my emotions about a year ago. i feel like a monster even though i have never done anything bad. medication doesn't help the dpd. i have no hope of recovery. my condition has become my identity so basically i just feel like a mental illness. i'm so jealous of all the normal people. i just wanna be normal. now i'm taking pain killers just to get through the day. i can't give or receive loving feelings.
> 
> when you know you will never recover what do you do? my soul is gone. some say it's dormant. i've tried everything to make myself better and nothing helps. i don't know who i am anymore. i have to fake everything. i feel like i can't live with myself anymore.
> 
> ...


You are human. And god, you have been through so much.
I have no idea what it is like to suffer for 18 years, I mean I've suffered for 6. You might have tried everything in those 18 years, so I don;t know what I can suggest that will be any different to what you've tried already. All I know is: Do things that you get at least some enjoyment out of. Be around people who make you smile at least a little. And most importantly have *hope*. Positivity and hope has been a lifesaver for me. You still have the chance to turn your life around. Until the day we die we have a chance to turn our lives around. It's all down to you. You _do_ need strength, there's no doubt about that. You need to look into yourself, trust yourself, don't be scared of yourself, be yourself.. connect with yourself. Think about reasons why you are a good person. Create a picture of you in your mind, a picture of your real, positive traits, and that is your base to start with. You are already that person, now maybe it's time to build a new you on top of that foundation. Recreate yourself. You don't need to die. If you did kill yourself and if were able to look back, wouldn't you think that you could have taken that chance to change your life, and carry it on, and be finally happy?
You're at a crisis point.
Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they can turn their life around.
"It's always darkest before the dawn"







Those lyrics played on the music I was listening to as I was writing the above line. No joke!! Weird huh?


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

A hospital may or may not help depending on the hospital. A therapits however could help. Someone who's into mindfulness, dbt, act, mindfulness acceptance, I swear mindulness can he like magic if you put the time in. It won't fix anything but it can make * anything* easier to deal with and managable. Maybe try the overcoming dp mindfulness book?


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

I'm so sorry u feel this way!!! But I'm at the exact same point you are !!! That is exactly how I feel !!!!!!! U took the words right out of my mouth ....

That's why I say I feel like my soul has died because well before I could still connect to things and felt anxiety mayb in the first 4-5 years but not anymore ....feelings are what motivates ppl to change and do things...with no feeling ur basically dead. I've felt this way the past 2 years...I can't feel love feelings for anyone...I don't give a shit about anything....I don't have a drive nor a will I just feel like an empty shell walking the earth with no soul. I deff feel inhuman now and it's a fuking nightmare I can't seem to snap myself out of it either. There could be a bomb let off in my city and I wouldn't even care...

How can u continue to live a life with a deadened soul ???


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

This is me 
Have you gotten better 
I know this is super old post but never know 
I hope you got well


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## spectator162 (Dec 26, 2017)

I feel totally the same, I couldn put it in such a good words because im so messed up in my head, but this is how I feel. Just no way out I dont even know how long Im in this state because its to long, it must be 5-6 years or longer. All this time I was acting, pretenting but now for a year I cant do it anymore and I just lose everything and I dont even care. Im so sick of myself. You just dont feel like you are living, you have no feelings, no idintity, no soul, no emotions, no connections with nothing, no memories, everything is STRANGE, home, family friends and yourself. Im just a dead human who has to live.


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## Johqnnq (Mar 14, 2018)

Mee too. I could spend my days in my bed. It feels so bad and sick. Im just forcing myself to do everything. Im too aware of everything and im hopeless. My awareness is so bad. I can become aware so little things and mess them. Only life inside me is confusion. Its this sense of trying. Pushing. Needing to make sense of this. Once something bad happens its very easy to repeat it over and over again
Heres probably great misunderstaning thats just playing itself....
I tend to get so blind when here comes something. I can really just feel so bad and have no idea what im doing.
Then when somethimes im getting little bit away from that.. And seeing something. I get so hopeless and frustrated that it all fails.


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## spectator162 (Dec 26, 2017)

Im also aware from everything around me sounds, lights, how people are watching, what they are doing and why? I think that I know what people are thinking. Im questioning everything what people say. That makes me feel not welcome and anxious I think. From all this I get like small pannick attacks, hart beating fast, sweating, totally blocked, cant think and talk. I get that on top off my dpdr that I have all the time. Im scared of everything and people, reactions, conflicts, myself, life. I dont know how to act anymore. Im dissapointed how life, myself and people are.


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

This shit is crazy i have no idea were to start to repair myself


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## Numbed (Aug 7, 2021)

Jpa said:


> This is exactly the way I feel birdiehead. I had severe dp/dr for 5 months. It was all caused from anxiety. I continued to do my daily routine and the out of body experience left me along with dream like state but I feel like I have no clue who I am now. I feel less connected to my family and have no emotion for anything. All the horrible thoughts have ruined everything for me. How are you feeling now? I guess I'm going to have to re create a new me not sure how to do that though. I'm so hopeless and feel so bad for my kids. I used to be so much fun and now I can't get excited about anything. Please help anyone!


Did you get better?


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