# I just know.



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I just know that I'm going to end up killing myself. It just seems inevitable. Nothing can go right in my life for any extended period of time. It's like there is some cosmic force that, no matter how hard I fight, is right there to kick me back on the ground. I mean, the past year and a half of my life has been nothing but a constant beating. I am bloody, swollen, on the ground, barely able to pull myself up on my knees and the second I do, I am delivered another blow by someone's fist or the butt of their riffle. I just don't think it's going to stop. I don't think that redemption is in the cards for me. I honest think that the universe won't quit until I'm dead. FML.


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## Angel_heaven (Jun 1, 2010)

This is NOT our Sarah talking. You have to believe you WILL be ok remember even you told me that. You dont me its all a Lie! Dont let it beat you instead you BEAT IT!


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## flipwilson (Aug 19, 2006)

seriously. What is the point of surviving if after you finally pull yourself up everything you fought for is past and over? Like finally arriving to the party only to realize it's over. I've had no connection to myself for so long what would recovery even be? Say in another ten years when I hit 40 years old and somehow some way I'm recovered what would I even do? Would I even pursue dreams of my youth? The passion coursing through me at 26 years old was amazing and to have a pause of ten plus years in between life would seem beyond confusing. Do I try and have a family just for fucks sake? Life is here in the now and we are all fucking missing it. And then I think even if I recover there is no guarantee that it wouldn't happen again so could I even commit to the bigger things in life, like a lover or children. I've had to deal with this as a single male, I cant even imagine having responsibilities to others feeling like this. (kudos to you TFP)

It really often does feel personal, when i add up the sum of my life and I realize the shit storms I've had to deal with and the amount of losses instead of victories I've had it seems the universe wants nothing more than to just fuck me over. I should've died at birth but man's hand intervened and it seems the universe won't stop until I'm cold in the ground. I wanna blow my brains out half the time. and not just because it would a quick way out, but because I feel like i would be shooting my arch nemesis, I would finally get him back. FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## howmuchforhappy (Nov 1, 2010)

I feel the exact same way. Like whenever I finally gain some strength and motivation after feeling suicidal and depressed, something worse happens and just knocks me back into an even more depressed state then I was already in. I feel at all times everyone's out to get me and make my life worse, and if it's not human then it's some other kind of force out to get me. Anyways, I wish the best for you. I know how it feels to not know whether you'll just quit one day after being stuck in such a shitty world for so long.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Angel_heaven said:


> This is NOT our Sarah talking. You have to believe you WILL be ok remember even you told me that. You dont me its all a Lie! Dont let it beat you instead you BEAT IT!


See, the thing is though that it is me talking. The reason you think that I fight is because I do keep trying. You see the part where I claw my way off the ground but you aren't seeing the beatings I take. I have not had one solid period of being ok in a very long time.


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## Guest (Feb 7, 2011)

Sarah you are Strong,

You will Soldier on. And you will become much better for it. Keep on keeping on. And have Faith in God. I know he's with you, every step of the way.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

When things are not working out it just means you have to keep trying new avenues. If you are on meds and still feeling like shit then ask for something different. Keep trying. I know it seems useless and there's no hope but there is. There's ALWAYS hope. And count your blessings for what little good things that do come your way. I feel the same a lot of times and wonder if I'll ever be normal again. But things could be a lot worse for people. Just turn on the news and watch all the people dying in floods, storms, random shootings, murder-suicides and terrorist attacks. There is so much shit that is happening all over the world that we wouldn't want to be a part of. I know it's hard to see other people's problems when you're swamped by your own but at least we're still able to walk and talk and lead fairly normal lives. Just keep trying.

" Do I try and have a family just for fucks sake? Life is here in the now and we are all fucking missing it."

Hey I keep thinking the same thing. But sometimes after hearing about all the problems that come with married life and responsibilities to others and horrible outcomes, maybe it's a blessing to be free and alone with only ourselves to worry about. I am also surprised by fairy's strength in all of this and having a family to nurture as well.


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I know for 5 and a half years now that I'll end up killing myself. I hate myself and the way I live, but deep down I know I do love people and some of the things in our world.


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> See, the thing is though that it is me talking. The reason you think that I fight is because I do keep trying. You see the part where I claw my way off the ground but you aren't seeing the beatings I take. I have not had one solid period of being ok in a very long time.


I understand the personal persona and the public persona. I'm always trying to be positive - not to get approval from others - but to survive. Sometimes you have to live in a world you create that is partly unreal. But, in reality, everyone lives in _some_ unreality (even my shrink says this). [ Odd for people disconnected from reality to be so much more aware of reality ]

The Cosmos isn't against you! But some times life is s##t. Hang on (sorry, I hate that expression, but I don't know what to say). The last few years, even before the brain injury DR, have been so tragic that it does feel like the universe is out to get you - one step forward and you slide two steps back.

All you can do if focus on positive, work on positive, make positive goals, and hope to god that it works out. Really, what else is there? Suicide is stinko (but I think of it too)

That is one thing I like about this forum. Even though we are total strangers and probably will never meet (which is kind of too bad), at least we can understand at least some permutation of DP/DR and try to help. I'm truly sorry your life sucks and that it keeps sucking.

But there is something to be enjoyed. You need something to look forward to. Rewards. Success. Even if they are small. To a man dying of thirst in a desert, even 1 small cup is appreciated. All you can do is appreciate what you do have and can get. The rest will follow.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

I hate to admit this but right now I honestly am not sure what I will do in the future so I am writing up instructions on what to do if I die, just so that it's there. I am having chest pain and feel like I'm suffocating from the stress.


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## snow storm (Aug 10, 2010)

Makes me sad to read this. I recognize your sense of hopelessness cause I've been there too a lot recently. I agree with Visual Dude, there is not much to do but keep trying. I have suicidal thoughts from time to time but then I realize the blessing that life actually is and try to make the best out of it. As long as there is life there is hope. It's not easy but it helps me to see things that way.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hey TFP and everybody. Please hang in there. TFP you have endured hell. The fact that you've made it this far and are still alive says something. Despite being detached from who you are, you still have an immense amount of strength. We all do to have made it this far. We are incredible people. Each and everyone one of us. We have the strength of a warrior to have endured what we have endured and still be alive. We can't feel it right now and I don't know what it will take to "feel" once again but I think that once we are able to break through the unreality that life will be better and we will be able to see how strong of people we are. Even without ourselves we are strong people and once we reconnect and are whole again we will be even more so.

I love you. You have the inner strength of a warrior. Don't you dare kill yourself, I'm serious. You have the strength within. I'm not going to tell you that life is going to be daisies if you hold on but things can and will change. Change is the only constant in life. Nothing stays the same forever. Not even DP.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Sarah, you have been my anchor in the storm when things were really tough. Your posts encouraged me so many times I have stopped counting. Even when you are doing horribly yourself, you are still able to help others. I have never met a stronger woman. I hope I will become so strong as well.

We all know how you feel to a certain degree.

I was always happy to read you positive posts after the terrible ones. They always came and they will come again, I know that.

Stay strong, you have already managed 80% of the way, you will also manage the last 20%!!!


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Thank you all for your replies, encouragement and understanding. It really means a lot that you guys think so highly of me and are so encouraging. Isn't it amazing how we can feel like dying ourselves but still have the strength inside to reach out and encourage another person? I think that's what keeps us all going.


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## deadtoself (Apr 13, 2009)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> Thank you all for your replies, encouragement and understanding. It really means a lot that you guys think so highly of me and are so encouraging. Isn't it amazing how we can feel like dying ourselves but still have the strength inside to reach out and encourage another person? I think that's what keeps us all going.


sorrrrryyy.... I clicked - instead of + ...







what do I do?


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## Guest (Feb 8, 2011)

deadtoself said:


> sorrrrryyy.... I clicked - instead of + ...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Fixed


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## deadtoself (Apr 13, 2009)

ThoughtOnFire said:


> Fixed










hahah...thanks...


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## Rebekah (May 16, 2009)

When people in my life are being a pain in my ass, I tell them to stop it, and when they don't listen I say . . . bye, bye. I am learning to relate only to people who care about being kind and supportive. When I meet someone who is being antagonistic towards me they get the boot right away now. And I trust that God will place kind and considerate people in my life in their place. Hang in there, life is about learning wisdom and finding creative solutions to you dilemmas.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Rebekah said:


> When people in my life are being a pain in my ass, I tell them to stop it, and when they don't listen I say . . . bye, bye. I am learning to relate only to people who care about being kind and supportive. When I meet someone who is being antagonistic towards me they get the boot right away now. And I trust that God will place kind and considerate people in my life in their place. Hang in there, life is about learning wisdom and finding creative solutions to you dilemmas.


I have done this too.


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