# If laughter is the best medicine



## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

Then Mitch Hedberg is the greatest doctor to ever live....

- My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

- Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

- On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

- I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls. but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

- I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

- Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother fucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

- One time, this guy handed me a picture of himself and said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.

- Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"


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## opie37060 (Jan 9, 2010)

I love mitch hedberg.


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## daydreambeliever (Jun 15, 2011)

Tommygunz said:


> Then Mitch Hedberg is the greatest doctor to ever live....
> 
> - My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
> 
> ...


Laughing is great. When I visit people lately all we do is watch comedy.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Tommygunz said:


> - Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother fucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"


Lol...I laughed at this one.


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

And another dose from the good doctor lol...

- I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

- I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Shit, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"

- You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"

- My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

- Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

- Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?

- My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

- I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.

- I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

- A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

- I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I! Well let's form a club then. Alright, but we need more stipulations. Yes we do; instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, and we will position them into a circle. In the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad. Okay. I got a question for ya, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em! Well this club is formed.

- I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die!


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## Reborn (Jun 24, 2011)

Mitch Hedberg:

"I think people honk their horns too much. We should have a 3 honks-a-month limit on cars. That way when some guy cuts you off in traffic you'll push the horn and nothing will come out and you think 'SHIT! I wish I hadn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!'"


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