# New to this and curious if my story sounds familiar



## talking emptyness (Jan 30, 2014)

Hello,

Like many of you my life has been unbelievably difficult. I'm new to this site and very curious if my story rings bell with you guys. I haven't been officially diagnosed with DP but this is the only thing that makes sense to me. Until last september, I functioned as student with extreme difficulty. I studied and worked my ass off until I collapsed so bad I could barely speak. What made it the most difficult was my inability to remember anything else other than te fact that the world expects me to function. Sinds september I'm hospitalised in a diagnostic clinic and so far, everybody keeps refering to me as a puzzle. They came with a lot of ideas that are understandable but no really fitting to my situation (think of autisme, aspergers, ADD, you name it). So I'm gonna name as many things as possible and hope you it makes sense to you guys.

First of all and most important. There is no ''me'' inside this body. It feels like talking emptyness. When I talk, it doesn't feel like it's my own voice. I feel like anything I do or say is fake. I hate social situations because nothing people say actually registers in my empty head so I only say socially acceptable superficial things to people. The whole day true, I actually think of almost nothing all the time. Sometimes I try to think. I try to remember my parents livingroom but I can only see it very vaguely. When I stop trying to think is just empty blankness again. When I'm with people, I put on a mask that makes it look like I'm thinking or listening, when in fact, I'm just empty. I'm anxious to use te phone because it's hard to remember what I want to communicate and even harder to comprehend the reaction that I get, If I have a lot to say, I have to write it down first. Also, when I'm with people, I pretend to listen and say something smart every 5 to 10 minutes or so. I feel incredibly dumb but with this mask, everybody keeps refering to me as the smart one. When I have to go somewhere, it's hard to remember the way, I know it street by street. When I come to a crossing, I know which turn to take but I can't remember the whole road immediately. I have almost no emtions accept for a numb shallow desperation. My doctor perscribes ritalin, the maximum dosis I have taking so far is 30 mg at ones and the only thing it does is make the world a little brighter and gives me a very light sense of well being for half an hour or so. When people are nice to me, I see it but it doesn't do anything with me. People try to give me love but I can't feel it. Eventhough I'm not, I feel alone all the time. I'm always amazed at how much people can remember. In the beginning of my search I was interrested in Eastern Wisdom because of all the talk about the absence of the center, the I. But it didn't brought me much more then that. I heard someone say it's kinda like the evil twinbrother of enlightenment, which makes sence to me. I could go on and on about everything I keep forgetting (groceries, etc) but you get the picture. When I hear my parents say my name and talking about me, I uncounsciously think it's about someone else. When people make a compliment or blame me, it really doesn't impact anywere. So that's all I can produce from this empty head so far, (been writing 1,5 hour). I hope this makes sense to some of I you and would love to hear from you guys.


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## Newky (Dec 11, 2013)

A lot of what you say makes sense to me. Being emotionless, a lot of things, especially social situations, require a massive amount of conscious focus and concentration just to get basic communication done. Even more so with a group conversation like you say... The spontaneousness is just impossible to participate in or understand so; just be quiet and pick out something every now and then, process it and think of a response...

Feeling alone, memory problems, numb shallow desperation, loss of sense of time, the world expecting you to function, difficulty in practical moment decisions... It all sounds like DPD type symptoms to me.

Sorry to hear of your experience with the health system, it's not uncommon for 'professionals' to be puzzled as awareness of DPD is so ridiculously non-existent.

Can I ask how you ended up being hospitalised? Are you an in-patient right now?


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## MiketheAlien (Nov 7, 2013)

I



talking emptyness said:


> Hello,
> 
> Like many of you my life has been unbelievably difficult. I'm new to this site and very curious if my story rings bell with you guys. I haven't been officially diagnosed with DP but this is the only thing that makes sense to me. Until last september, I functioned as student with extreme difficulty. I studied and worked my ass off until I collapsed so bad I could barely speak. What made it the most difficult was my inability to remember anything else other than te fact that the world expects me to function. Sinds september I'm hospitalised in a diagnostic clinic and so far, everybody keeps refering to me as a puzzle. They came with a lot of ideas that are understandable but no really fitting to my situation (think of autisme, aspergers, ADD, you name it). So I'm gonna name as many things as possible and hope you it makes sense to you guys.
> 
> First of all and most important. There is no ''me'' inside this body. It feels like talking emptyness. When I talk, it doesn't feel like it's my own voice. I feel like anything I do or say is fake. I hate social situations because nothing people say actually registers in my empty head so I only say socially acceptable superficial things to people. The whole day true, I actually think of almost nothing all the time. Sometimes I try to think. I try to remember my parents livingroom but I can only see it very vaguely. When I stop trying to think is just empty blankness again. When I'm with people, I put on a mask that makes it look like I'm thinking or listening, when in fact, I'm just empty. I'm anxious to use te phone because it's hard to remember what I want to communicate and even harder to comprehend the reaction that I get, If I have a lot to say, I have to write it down first. Also, when I'm with people, I pretend to listen and say something smart every 5 to 10 minutes or so. I feel incredibly dumb but with this mask, everybody keeps refering to me as the smart one. When I have to go somewhere, it's hard to remember the way, I know it street by street. When I come to a crossing, I know which turn to take but I can't remember the whole road immediately. I have almost no emtions accept for a numb shallow desperation. My doctor perscribes ritalin, the maximum dosis I have taking so far is 30 mg at ones and the only thing it does is make the world a little brighter and gives me a very light sense of well being for half an hour or so. When people are nice to me, I see it but it doesn't do anything with me. People try to give me love but I can't feel it. Eventhough I'm not, I feel alone all the time. I'm always amazed at how much people can remember. In the beginning of my search I was interrested in Eastern Wisdom because of all the talk about the absence of the center, the I. But it didn't brought me much more then that. I heard someone say it's kinda like the evil twinbrother of enlightenment, which makes sence to me. I could go on and on about everything I keep forgetting (groceries, etc) but you get the picture. When I hear my parents say my name and talking about me, I uncounsciously think it's about someone else. When people make a compliment or blame me, it really doesn't impact anywere. So that's all I can produce from this empty head so far, (been writing 1,5 hour). I hope this makes sense to some of I you and would love to hear from you guys.


I can totally relate to what your going through, yet I do not have any help to provide other than I am in this fight alongside you friend.

I would say keep trying to learn and uncover what you are going through, dont ever give up or let anyone else stop you from identifying what you are going through. We are all going through this together and, if anything, I believe that we can get through this. Stay strong


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## talking emptyness (Jan 30, 2014)

Thanks for your reactions 

What I can remember of how I was being hospitalised is the following.

Being a working student was really wearing me down for 4 years. Up until the collapse my test were basicly just big essays. So I put all my time in writing the things down my professors wanted to read. It took all my time to do it but I was so good at it that I was one of the top students. In September my internship would start, I would have carried out an organizational function for a year (without any memory ...) I moved to another city and hoped that I would feel better by the time the internship would start. I was there for three days and it was all just a blury haze... I cried out for help several times but my parents just thought I didn't know myself enough because my study results were so good, but that was al just a big part of the mask of doing what was being asked of you to do. By the time it got worst help was practacly the only word I could say. So there begun the a long road. They took my to a GP's, phychologists, a crisis center, and then came the clinic I believe. By that time, when somebody asked if I wanted to eat toast, It was just abacadabra to me. So I have been an in-patient for 5 months now.


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