# New to DpSelfHelp/DP Experience



## mikeHH (Apr 25, 2018)

Hello everyone!

After a year of anonymously searching this website and freaking out about everything, I decided to finally make an account so I can get in touch with people who share a similar experience. I developed DPDR last June after what I believe to be an accumulation of unbearable stress, the passing of a family member, incredible OCD thoughts and the inability to cope with the amount of stress that had been going on at the time. After about a month of these events, I slowly starting to feel myself disconnect from everything, and eventually just woke up in a total disconnected reality. I ultimately knew that I had developed into this DPDR state, and knew exactly what it was as in early highschool I had smoked weed and developed only feelings of derealization (surroundings looking weird, not real, unrecognizable) that lasted for 2/3 months, and had just gone away after forgetting about it.

When I first wound up in this state I was so dangerously dissociated I was essentially having a 4 month anxiety attack of constant crying, freaking out, withdrawal and panic attacks.

My symptoms that freak me out daily include:

- Inability to recognize myself in the mirror; I'm positive it's me, it just feels like some complete stranger

- *Lack of sense of self/identity: I feel like I have no idea who I am, and that it wasn't me who lived my life;* I know this thought is irrational and absolutely not true, it's just that I completely can't connect to the person who I used to be - things like my name, my thoughts, my face, and anything about myself isn't anyone; essentially just a blank human being

- Voice feels completely detached

- Worried about forgetting everyone/everything/myself

- Huge hypochondriac (have always been one - even before DPDR self diagnosing with everything)

- Things I had done that day/previously don't feel like they happened

- Constant fear of doom

- People and family members, friends all look unfamiliar

- Ability to act completely normal, even though I'm dying on the inside majority of the time

- My thoughts trigger panic because they feel so distant and detached

- Hazy feeling, everything looks weird and dreamlike

- Zillion over symptoms

I'm so constantly worried that I'm going to drift into oblivion and lose everything that was once me. I felt better for a few months during the year, and actually felt like I was recovering (November-February), but after a weeklong vacation of drinking and panicking at some tropical resort I had woken up one morning DP'd again. Before I had developed this, I would just deal with stressful events, traumatic experiences (loss of someone, moving away to uni), and whatever else for the time being until they had passed, and would just feel better after some time. So, my questions to everyone are, does anyone experience any of these main symptoms daily? Is recovery completely non-linear? Is this even depersonalization? Sometimes my symptoms get so insane I feel like it can't even be depersonalization and it's really some other insane psychiatric illness.

Anyways, I'm here for anyone who would like to message and I'm glad to have joined this website <3

Thanks so much


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## newdp (May 1, 2018)

literally made an account to reply to you, everything you've described I feel exactly, I've been feeling this way since April 25.


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## mikeHH (Apr 25, 2018)

newdp said:


> literally made an account to reply to you, everything you've described I feel exactly, I've been feeling this way since April 25.


Thanks man, how are you? Do you know what triggered it? I felt like this from June-November and the summer was the worst experience of my life. After a a few months of getting on my way to feeling a lot better, I spent a week in a tropical resort having small panic attacks and drinking a lot etc, and just woke up with the feeling again. No idea if that was the specific trigger, because I had drank and partied a lot in the previous months, and even felt good enough to smoke weed a few times. The worst symptoms are how I feel like I'm going to forget who I am, absolutely zero sense of identity, no sense of self, my own name sounding weird and unfamiliar, and not recognizing my voice/face. This actually got better as the months where I started to just ignore it and live and lowered my anxiety levels, but after a week of stress and partying constantly I've been stuck in this void since like the end of February.

What are your worst symptoms? Do you struggle with the sense of self and identity stuff? Anyways, from my year-ish experience of it being insanely chronic to like manageable and feeling better, people recover all the time and getting yourself in a better spot is totally totally accomplishable. I actually got ONLY derealization back in early high school after smoking weed and having the biggest panic attack/mild blackout, and it just went away after ignoring it for a few months. Feel free to message me man and if anyone could offer any hope or advice with these symptoms and or/how to recover that would be amazing


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## newdp (May 1, 2018)

mikeHH said:


> Thanks man, how are you? Do you know what triggered it? I felt like this from June-November and the summer was the worst experience of my life. After a a few months of getting on my way to feeling a lot better, I spent a week in a tropical resort having small panic attacks and drinking a lot etc, and just woke up with the feeling again. No idea if that was the specific trigger, because I had drank and partied a lot in the previous months, and even felt good enough to smoke weed a few times. The worst symptoms are how I feel like I'm going to forget who I am, absolutely zero sense of identity, no sense of self, my own name sounding weird and unfamiliar, and not recognizing my voice/face. This actually got better as the months where I started to just ignore it and live and lowered my anxiety levels, but after a week of stress and partying constantly I've been stuck in this void since like the end of February.
> 
> What are your worst symptoms? Do you struggle with the sense of self and identity stuff? Anyways, from my year-ish experience of it being insanely chronic to like manageable and feeling better, people recover all the time and getting yourself in a better spot is totally totally accomplishable. I actually got ONLY derealization back in early high school after smoking weed and having the biggest panic attack/mild blackout, and it just went away after ignoring it for a few months. Feel free to message me man and if anyone could offer any hope or advice with these symptoms and or/how to recover that would be amazing


Hey Mike, where in Canada are you?


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## mikeHH (Apr 25, 2018)

newdp said:


> Hey Mike, where in Canada are you?


If you make one more post you can use the PM app on this site so respond to this or something and we can pm dude


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## mikeHH (Apr 25, 2018)

JoshuaBragdon said:


> Hey man, I'm on my way to a quick recover after just one month, and you can too  message me if you ever need someone to talk to


Hey dude, glad you're recovering! Did you have similar symptoms?


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