# I'm Alex, A NEW user in here / please read my story



## alex10 (Jun 7, 2011)

(I posted this yesterday, but ulterior I thought I posted it in a wrong topic, I see here are the stories, experiences)

I want to share my story in a few words in order to know me, and with the hope, that somebody can help me.
My name is Alex, 20y. old. I was an anxious person since the high school... I tried to cure my anxiety and panic attacks with some medication in the past, but there was no any result, but either any side effect, so I decied, I don't take them again...
But in 2010 June, I had a very hard and long period of depression, I couldn't handle... so I wanted to see a specialist. That "specialist" prescribed 100 mg / night of Trittico (Trazodone) for me, and he said I should take it for 3 months to see some good effects. After the first 2 weeks of Trazodone I observed, that I have no emotions, or feelings, plus my initial symtoms existed yet, so I thought these are just the side effects of the med., those will disappear, when I stop to take it, and the "doc" said, I should take them 3 months, so I did that. After a month my initial stomach symtoms begun to heal, I felt better, but the anxiety, depression, etc persisted. When I was at 3 months there was no any bennefit, I still had anhedonia, numbness caused by the drug, and anxiety, so decided to taper. In just two weeks I was at zero mg. So, when I stopped definetly to take it, was 2010 October 2. Since then I live a hell on earth in every moment. In that period I begun to experience some horrific symtoms I never experienced before: constant head pressure, pain, numbness, anhedonia, more anxiety, symtoms like flu, sexual dysfunctions (low libido, genital anathesia)... I shoulded to stop my year at university, I was unable to continue it. Since 2011 March I've tottaly lost my mind, and I have sever derealization / depersonalization, since then I was unable to get outside, I stay only in the house... pure and simple, my mind can't process the things and I've lost my focus (I can't focus on a thing, I see, or on a thought), and I have huge cognitive problems... but till May 15 I could watch to a tv show, or just listen to some music at PC, but since a half month this gotten more severe, I can't talk with my fammilly about a normal subject, because my mind doesn't work to follow a subject and to enjoy it, I'm not that person who I was, I just survive my days, without to do anything, I don't talk with my friends, because I can't be connected on the subjects we used to talk about, I'm not in this world. I have a lot of pshisically symtoms, I literrally can't feel my head, it's like my head, mouth, chin are not solid organs, I feel it like it's falling apart, but the same time, I feel a constant pressure in my throat and palate. I should say that in this period of withdrawal (if it is just that) I have tried out a lot fo vitamines, herbals, natural brain stimulatios, but either one helped me, and my situation just got worse with the time. I didn't want to take any psy drugs again, because right this is what ruined my life. This post took me more, than 2 hours, because I shoulded to make a lot of pauses. If you think you can help me with some advices, write, pls.


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## Guest (Jun 11, 2011)

first of all, I understand what you're going through and wish you the best.

what I learned is that all of this crazy hell you're going through is just a feeling. probably one of the worsts human ever felt, but there's no problem with your brain, you haven't gone crazy.

I haven't touched any medication because I don't believe in them, and I'm getting better. I had panic disorder (DP/panic/anxiety are all the same thing only in different forms), I cured myself off panic attacks 100%. only by stopping and facing the fear. a panic attack, when you face it, welcome it fearlessly, is actually a great feeling. this is just energy, coming from you, nothing that could ever hurt you.

I say, stay away from those meds. No pill will ever solve emotional problems. you have a soul. a pill will only mess with your brain, and there's no problem with your brain.

be strong, be motivated, all the best
Lowrey


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## alex10 (Jun 7, 2011)

Thanks for the reply, but my case is a lot more severe, then some emotional, or soul problems.
I feel this horror 24/7 and I'm sure, my problems are caused by medication.
Unfortunately It's not a panic disorder, that can be cured with psychology. I have tens of symtoms, I'm not myself, and I don't know what to do... I can't leave my home since March, because of my derealization / depersonalization. I think I have a mildest form of psychosis...
I have very severe perception and cognitive problems.

Sorry for my bad english.


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## Guest (Jun 12, 2011)

alex10 said:


> Thanks for the reply, but my case is a lot more severe, then some emotional, or soul problems.
> I feel this horror 24/7 and I'm sure, my problems are caused by medication.
> Unfortunately It's not a panic disorder, that can be cured with psychology. I have tens of symtoms, I'm not myself, and I don't know what to do... I can't leave my home since March, because of my derealization / depersonalization. I think I have a mildest form of psychosis...
> I have very severe perception and cognitive problems.
> ...


well, it's really hard for me to find the right words to help you. I was in HELL. It didn't feel like "some soul problem". I was in pure hell. After my first attack, I couldn't find myself, I felt like I'm mentally dead, the worst fears came to my head constantly, couldn't sleep, was freaking out if I thought about death (and I did a lot), I thought I have scizophrenia, brain tumor, I thought I made myself insane, I thought I will live the rest of my life in a mental hospital. Head pressure, ear symptoms, hand tremor, extreme derealization.

And I'm out of that hell.

After discussing these things with people, they constantly confirm my idea that DP/anxiety is a problem in your soul, and you and only you have the power to change it. You can believe that you're psychotic, you can believe that medications caused you to be in this hell, you can believe that your condition is a lot better than mine was, but that's only denying responsibility and power.

You can find a lot of people on these forums who're think that way, and they suffer from it for 10 years. And they are still so fking sure that the way they think and live has nothing to do with their condition.

I know you probably will hate me after reading this, a lot of people do. Probably I'd also hate someone who'd have told me this when I was in the worst days.

I even had to ban myself from another forum because I realized that people just can't swallow when someone tells them to stop crying and take responsibility.

But the facts are though : they're addicted to medications and not getting better, while I don't take meds and feeling good.


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## alex10 (Jun 7, 2011)

No, I don't hate you, it's good that one person replied to me, and it was you.

Of course you don't know me, and you don't know I'm not a "crying" person for "nothing", without responsability.
I really suffer very hard, and I can't watch a tv show or to talk, because I'm in another world. I can't concentrate to nothing. Is hard for me to write too. I can't talk with my friends. I have huge orientation and perception problems. I'm numb in all senses. I don't perceive well my apartmant either. My focusing is dead. I can't get out on balcony because I feel more lost, and I can't perceive, what I see, or to make the "loading" of space. I can't talk with my fammily, or just to do something on PC, and I'm not anxious, and I don't have now panic attack either, but this is constant. I can't pure and simple think... I'm not myself. And since October this DP / DR or psychosys, I don't know what is this exactly just developed me with time and it just worsened and worsened... and I didn't take since then any psy drugs.
In the frist months of w/d I was able to do somethings in the house and to go out in the zone, and I tried to continue my life, like it was before, but with time, it just worsened, and it's definetly not a responsibility question... my fammily know well this, and that I'm not an irresponsible, I was a year at university with anxiety panic attacks in everyday, when I did go to the school, and back, but since october my life is ruined and it worsened in every month, I'm in another world, and I can't go out of apartmant either, what can I do?


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## Guest (Jun 14, 2011)

alex10 said:


> No, I don't hate you, it's good that one person replied to me, and it was you.
> 
> Of course you don't know me, and you don't know I'm not a "crying" person for "nothing", without responsability.
> I really suffer very hard, and I can't watch a tv show or to talk, because I'm in another world. I can't concentrate to nothing. Is hard for me to write too. I can't talk with my friends. I have huge orientation and perception problems. I'm numb in all senses. I don't perceive well my apartmant either. My focusing is dead. I can't get out on balcony because I feel more lost, and I can't perceive, what I see, or to make the "loading" of space. I can't talk with my fammily, or just to do something on PC, and I'm not anxious, and I don't have now panic attack either, but this is constant. I can't pure and simple think... I'm not myself. And since October this DP / DR or psychosys, I don't know what is this exactly just developed me with time and it just worsened and worsened... and I didn't take since then any psy drugs.
> In the frist months of w/d I was able to do somethings in the house and to go out in the zone, and I tried to continue my life, like it was before, but with time, it just worsened, and it's definetly not a responsibility question... my fammily know well this, and that I'm not an irresponsible, I was a year at university with anxiety panic attacks in everyday, when I did go to the school, and back, but since october my life is ruined and it worsened in every month, I'm in another world, and I can't go out of apartmant either, what can I do?


we're right on point. when I talk about responsibility, I don't say even the slightest way that you're not a responsible person. I mean you, in some way, responsible for your condition, I don't mean it's "your FAULT", I don't mean you're an idiot or a weak coward, what I say is basically that you have the power to change it. of course, you're not aware of this.

For emotional, "soul" problems, it is very easy to turn into "symptoms", and if the symptoms are such powerful as a panic attack or DP, it's easy for us to not recognize the connection between the symptoms and soul.

You have to realize that you're healthy. I needed time to realize this. I can't have a brain problem if I can walk, talk, work out, play basketball, do difficult work stuff, and have a perfect blood test, have good vision, good muscle, etc. if you'd have a problem with your brain, you couldn't move one or more of your limbs, wouldn't have vision, you'd be deaf, etc. but you should have some "tangible" problem that is obvious.

if you'd have half as serious health problem as the hell you're experiencing, you'd KNOW what's the problem.


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## alex10 (Jun 7, 2011)

If you respond, like this, I'm 100% sure, you didn't experience, what I experience, because of the antidepressant w/d.
U have a tipically "it is in your soul" mentallity, that means, you had only problems, those are controlled by thoughts, etc.
What I wrote in my first post is very true and severe!
And no, I can't play basketball, as I said I was unable to get out of my house since March because of my perception problems... those got worsen.

But thx for the reply.


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## Visual (Oct 13, 2010)

alex10 said:


> If you respond, like this, I'm 100% sure, you didn't experience, what I experience, because of the antidepressant w/d.
> U have a tipically "it is in your soul" mentallity, that means, you had only problems, those are controlled by thoughts, etc.
> What I wrote in my first post is very true and severe!
> And no, I can't play basketball, as I said I was unable to get out of my house since March because of my perception problems... those got worsen.
> ...


*with the hope, that somebody can help me.*

Ok, I'll try&#8230;

You've got quite a mystery to solve.

Withdrawal symptoms should not exist 8 months later. And should not be continuing to get worse.

*I can't perceive, what I see*
*I have huge orientation and perception problems*

Would you describe this further?

Do you bump into things even though you see them and know they are there?

*pain, numbness*

Where?

*anhedonia &#8230; sexual dysfunctions*

Among things to do, I would suggest a simple blood test: prolactin and testosterone.

*symtoms like flu*

Aches and pains? Fatigue? Diarrhea?

*I didn't want to take any psy drugs again*

This is understandable. Ultimately you may need medical help but this doesn't sound like a psyciatric problem.

To work with doctors, you will need to do a lot a research [perhaps why you came to this site?], note your major symptoms, and work out a way to effectively communicate - not easy with your given problem. Can/does your family help?

A few more questions about senses other than vision:

How is perception of taste and smell?

How is your hearing? Do you have tinnitus?

Are you 'observing' all your senses but they just don't connect or have meaning?

Sorry about so many questions as it isn't easy for you to write. But more needs to be understood before any intelligent feedback given.


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## alex10 (Jun 7, 2011)

[First of all I would thank you for reply.
So, when I write on forums it's very hard for me because of my thinking problems, but I try to reply to your questions.

*Withdrawal symptoms should not exist 8 months later. And should not be continuing to get worse.*

On other forums about psy drugs the people said me, w/d can last years, and the worsening is a "normal" thing in withdrawal. But what I experience is something really horrific and different... with time I experienced fatal worsening, so I don't know what to think already about it.

*I can't perceive, what I see
I have huge orientation and perception problems
Would you describe this further?*

So this thing developed in me with time gradually. At the 6 months of w/d in March exacltly I experienced that I have perception problems, that doesn't mean, I see things, those are not there, or any halucinations... it means, that when I got outside on the yard I was unable to concentrate normally to things, even if I tried to look to something, in my mind didn't start a thinking process, about that I see, how it would be normally, and the light too disturbed me a lot, I felt tottally LOST outside (and these I feel in the house too, but here Im not supposed to concentrate to, too many things, like outside), I was unable to talk either outside, so I thought I don't take any drugs again, and these are w/d symtoms those will go away. Since March I was unable to go outside, either on balcony, because this perception problem became more severe with the time, but here in apartment I was able to watch tv (but I shoulded to stay very close to the tv to perceive the things) or to stay at the PC, but my thinking processes too just worsened with time. My friends called me on the phone, but I didn't respond, because I can't alk with them, I can't connect to the subject, and it's hard to talk too. Now I can't watch tv either, or talk on messenger, because my thinking is very hard... or almost non-existent. The most of time I'm just looking out of my head, without doing anything. I can't comunicate normally... My head is numb in all senses, like I don't have my mind anymore... I can't percieve if we have guests in the house, these thinking processes in some situations are missing in my mind... I have no amotions, I suffer very hard.

*Among things to do, I would suggest a simple blood test: prolactin and testosterone.*
When the sexual dysf. appeared with anhedonia, in OCT 2010 I made a blood test, and everything was ok.
*
symtoms like flu

Aches and pains? Fatigue? Diarrhea?*

Yes, I had these in the first 4 months of w/d, but did go away.

*To work with doctors, you will need to do a lot a research [perhaps why you came to this site?], note your major symptoms, and work out a way to effectively communicate - not easy with your given problem. Can/does your family help?*

Tomorrow the best psychiatrist will come to my home to see me. My fammilly helps me of course, and does everything for me.

*How is perception of taste and smell?*
These are ok.
*How is your hearing? Do you have tinnitus?*
I don't have tinnitus, and my hearing is ok, but when I swallow, my ears creak.
*Are you 'observing' all your senses but they just don't connect or have meaning?*
This is an interesting question... A lot of things I don't observe or I can't be attent to a lot of thing, what I observe normally. My needs are lost, I can't think about sex... if I look in the mirror, I can't concentrate to my face, and I don't observe if my hair is not ok, I observe hardly if I should go to wash myself, I'm tottally numb, and it's very hard to describe exactly what I feel, but I wrote it, as I knew.

What do you think, what can I have? A mildest form of psychosis? Or it will be schizophrenia? Or the w/d again? 
Depression, anxiety, of panick are NOT, what I have.

PS: I know it's interesting, that I talk about thinking and perception problems, but I write here coerent... I wrote this in aprox 2 hours and it was very strenuous.


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## Guest (Jun 26, 2011)

alex10 said:


> If you respond, like this, I'm 100% sure, you didn't experience, what I experience, because of the antidepressant w/d.
> U have a tipically "it is in your soul" mentallity, that means, you had only problems, those are controlled by thoughts, etc.
> What I wrote in my first post is very true and severe!
> And no, I can't play basketball, as I said I was unable to get out of my house since March because of my perception problems... those got worsen.
> ...


then I can't help.


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## Brazil1610 (Jun 15, 2011)




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## alex10 (Jun 7, 2011)

I talked wih a local PC"doc" about my symtoms, and he recommended me Solian (Amisulprid). 
I said.... OMG, how the hell to take another very very dangerous drug, when a less dangerous drugs caused to me all this, namely trazodone.

You have any experiences with Solian?


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