# Stupid Self



## ThoughtsUnorganized (Mar 10, 2011)

I thought maybe things would get better...I actually had hope, because everyone always pointed out my potential. I did feel a little bit better, more comfortable in and of myself, but once my mind crashed the good time's seemed so fake. I am so tired of this back and fourth, the new meds(anti-psychotics) helped, but I am now back to my old self...which is bad. I feel so out of it...I was shopping for one specific thing...next thing I know I am checking out with that one item 2 hours later. I was just thinking, and walking aimlessly while others faces seemed to blend into the walls. My mind is sick, but I think I am sicker for sticking around to endure it all. This life is more than I deserve, I feel fake for even sticking it out this long. Everything is going so well, but not in my mind. I totally want out, and if it didn't hurt so many people I would get out of life ASAP. I don't know what I can possibly do when everything is crumbling and all I have is a sledgehammer


----------



## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

ThoughtsUnorganized said:


> I thought maybe things would get better...I actually had hope, because everyone always pointed out my potential. I did feel a little bit better, more comfortable in and of myself, but once my mind crashed the good time's seemed so fake. I am so tired of this back and fourth, the new meds(anti-psychotics) helped, but I am now back to my old self...which is bad. I feel so out of it...I was shopping for one specific thing...next thing I know I am checking out with that one item 2 hours later. I was just thinking, and walking aimlessly while others faces seemed to blend into the walls. My mind is sick, but I think I am sicker for sticking around to endure it all. This life is more than I deserve, I feel fake for even sticking it out this long. Everything is going so well, but not in my mind. I totally want out, and if it didn't hurt so many people I would get out of life ASAP. I don't know what I can possibly do when everything is crumbling and all I have is a sledgehammer


hmmmm, I don't know if DP warrants suicide. Sure your mind is messed up, but maybe you can leave some legacy behind, maybe you'll snap out of it in a few years. Maybe u can at least find some solace in sex or some sort of vice. Not saying things are gonna be rosy, cuz they probably won't be... just stick around for the hell of it. You sticking around is the survival instinct in full force, and it's a good thing.

Take care,

Phoenix


----------



## ThoughtsUnorganized (Mar 10, 2011)

PhoenixDown said:


> hmmmm, I don't know if DP warrants suicide. Sure your mind is messed up, but maybe you can leave some legacy behind, maybe you'll snap out of it in a few years. Maybe u can at least find some solace in sex or some sort of vice. Not saying things are gonna be rosy, cuz they probably won't be... just stick around for the hell of it. You sticking around is the survival instinct in full force, and it's a good thing.
> 
> Take care,
> 
> Phoenix


It's not just Dp, it's the depression, anxiety, self-harm, hardly controllable impulses, and the feeling of being trapped.


----------



## Guest (Sep 5, 2011)

*hugs*


----------



## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

ThoughtsUnorganized said:


> It's not just Dp, it's the depression, anxiety, self-harm, hardly controllable impulses, and the feeling of being trapped.


How long have you been self-harming? Has it got to the addiction stage yet?

I was a chronic self-harmer, same issues as you, impulse, anxeity etc. I found Mindfulness really helpful. Kind of retrained my brain, helped me release emotions safely, so I don't have to cut.
Also helps with anxeity and impulse control, which makes you more likely to self-harm.
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28785-how-mindfulness-could-help-you-please-read/

How does the DP play into your self-harm? I used to cut myself just to feel something, or to feel connected to my body because I'd feel so empty inside. Also, DP messes with the emotional processing, so it kind of builds up and the build up of craziness is horrible.DP can cause alexithymia, which is the inability to process and name and recognise emotions, so pain can be a way to express and release them.


----------



## noname (Sep 23, 2008)

> .I actually had hope, because everyone always pointed out my potential


You need perhaps to try to find your own potential. I have the same problem : you define yourself perhaps too much with other. 
Ive learned and accepted that the potential is nothing while I dont actually do something real, something wich correspond to myself and what I want to make. many fucker in my life, included my mother, have said too much that ive potential. I ended trusting them, for no real reasons, and each time end depressed cuz reality dont meet what I think.
You perhaps need to work on this, if you feel its your case too. (notice ive ended just more depressed, but its perhaps the good way).


----------



## never_giving_up (Jun 23, 2010)

ThoughtsUnorganized said:


> This life is more than I deserve, I feel fake for even sticking it out this long.


Saying that is to say that you deserve to die. I don't believe anyone deserves to die.

This may seem like a weird idea, but have you ever considered the possibility that being abusive towards yourself may be contributing to your DP? Heck, have you ever considered that it may even be the root cause?

Imagine your relationship with yourself as being represented by an external relationship between two people. How would it look? Would you say that these two people have a loving relationship?

From your post, it seems that you are very brutal and unforgiving with yourself. If I saw a couple telling each other that they deserved to die, I would say, 'guys, this relationship is in crisis!'

I really recommend the following book. You can download it for free. It's about how to have a loving relationship with yourself and how to have a loving relationship with others (note: I don't mean having a loving relationship with anyone and everyone, I mean only those who deserve your love - those who have earned it. In the same way that you wouldn't expect anyone to love you if you were constantly abusive to them).

Real Time Relationships by Stefan Molyneux (*PDF*) (*AUDIOBOOK*)


----------



## ThoughtsUnorganized (Mar 10, 2011)

never_giving_up said:


> Saying that is to say that you deserve to die. I don't believe anyone deserves to die.
> 
> This may seem like a weird idea, but have you ever considered the possibility that being abusive towards yourself may be contributing to your DP? Heck, have you ever considered that it may even be the root cause?
> 
> ...


I haven't self-harmed in a while, though I constantly have the urges..I have been trying quite hard, and not taking action does help in the reguards that I don't feel guilt after, but the preceeding thoughts are there 10 fold. The self harm is directly connected to anxiety which comes about at any time when my thoughts just become out of control, and the only way to stop them is a physical route, I just wish the urge would be gone..but I have been trying to manage my action, especially since I can't hurt myself when I am having a panic attack in class or in public. You'd be proud of me for the temptation I have denied...but my feelings towards myself remain the same


----------



## ThoughtsUnorganized (Mar 10, 2011)

violetgirl said:


> How long have you been self-harming? Has it got to the addiction stage yet?
> 
> I was a chronic self-harmer, same issues as you, impulse, anxeity etc. I found Mindfulness really helpful. Kind of retrained my brain, helped me release emotions safely, so I don't have to cut.
> Also helps with anxeity and impulse control, which makes you more likely to self-harm.
> ...


My self harm is bad, but I haven't taken action in a while...It's an addiction because its the only thing that can stop my panic attacks...but I have been riding through them....


----------

