# A Dose of Negativity



## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

First let me say that I feel like a fucking hypocrite - I go around giving people positive advice on this site yet I don't follow it myself. Once again I find myself in the midst of depression. Once again I am being so fucking selfish and feeling like I'm the only one with problems in this world.

Girls....sigh....

I've known this girl for about 8 years but in classic fashion I've never had the balls to actually tell her. Besides that, she'd been in a relationship with one of my best friends for 3 of those years and after that she was sleeping with one of my other friends, not to mention a shit load of other girls and guys besides him. I knew all of this, yet still I've had feelings for her that whole time.

Anyway, I finally decided to just tell her so that I could get it over with and hopefully "get her out of my head". I expected her just to tell me to piss off and that she was still sleeping with my friend. But when I told her, she said that she wasn't still with my friend. I thought then that I might actually have a chance with her, so we went out a few times and it was kind of cool.

I got a real wave of positivity come over me, like maybe this was finally my chance to really change myself for the better. We started going to the gym together and sharing information about spirituality and our lives - it seemed pretty good.

But then she told me that she was only interested in an open relationship. I also found out that she was pregnant and didn't even know for sure who the father was (but there was a good chance it was my friend). I spoke to my friend about it and it turns out the only reason they hadn't been together recently was because of the pregnancy and he told me that if I hooked up with her, "I won't change anything I'm doing". In other words, he fully intended to get back with her if I was with her. Some fucking friend...

That wave of positivity just got completely smashed and it sent my head reeling again. Down I go into self pity and a cascade of negative thoughts, AGAIN!

Anyway, a few weeks on and she got rid of the baby, but I told her that I only wanted to be friends with her. Its obvious she doesn't like me as much as I like her, because if she did she wouldn't want to be fucking other people at the same time as me. That's something I don't think I could live with, because it would hurt me beyond measure. Well, it already has been hurting me for years, but it would even more so if I slept with her.

So its really fucking confusing and it seems stupid to turn down the opportunity to get laid (fuck knows I need it!). At the same time I'm not sure if I'm just being stupid and making excuses, like maybe I should just be happy to be able to spend time with her even if she's sleeping with other people (Probably quite a lot of other people).

Anyway, this has really torn me up recently and I've been sinking back into depression  Its really pissing me off because my group of friends is so incest - almost all of them besides me have slept with each other at some stage or another, including threesomes, swinging etc etc. Its also hard because my sister is one of the group and is involved in that shit too, which I don't like thinking about, obviously, but my intuition is strong enough that I can tell when something is happening but no-one actually tells me about it.

My support system (mostly my sister) has kind of been ripped down, because I asked her a simple question about her personal life the other day and she shot me down, saying its none of my business. Well, she's right, its not, but then I've been talking to her about everything that's been going on (the girl I like is her best friend, sigh) and so it feels like a massive betrayal of trust. I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything now, so I've been keeping it all to myself again, which I know is only going to make me feel even worse.

ALL. SO. FUCKING. MESSY!!

Not much point to this post except I wanted to get it all out. Also to say - don't take my advice on anything because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just talking out of my ass and don't take my own advice. I don't practice what I preach. I am a hypocrite of the highest order.

I'm sorry.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Seriously starting to feel like I'm not meant for relationships in this world, like I'm just supposed to be single my entire life and accept that.

"Oh but you're such a nice guy", "You'll find someone eventually", "You'll make some girl really happy one day". So many girls have said that to me....right before they go and fuck somebody else. Nobody wants a nice guy and nice guys do finish last. No-one will ever want to be that "some girl" who I actually make happy.

I really do believe that no-one can like me the way I like them. Every relationship is always so one sided, or so it seems.

Yet I know that's my problem and I'm too fucking stupid to do anything about it.


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## Satriales (Oct 30, 2007)

seriously man you need to calm down....obviously you are a different person than the people you associate with...not to say they're good or bad, or you're good or bad, just different, and you shouldn't hold yourself to their level. you sound like a nice guy that is looking for a relationship to justify himself, DONT! the best relationships are discovered, not found( finding involves looking, discoverey is chance) it seems like when you and this girl started going out your world was looking up, and then once it was over you were depressed.... you gotta make yourself happy, go somewhere new....fuck meet a girl at a library, or something....and seriously man, no offense, but this girl sounds like trash....someone you should not be sad about, i'm sure shes a nice person, but if she doesnt even know whoe the father of her aborted baby is, she isn't a fucking diamond in the rough....anyway sorry if i'm being a dick, but ive been there, and whatever hold this girl has on you, let her go, move on, and in 6 months you'll be happier and all the better for it


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## Guest (Nov 30, 2007)

Hey CECIL. I?ve always seen you as kind considerate guy. I believe you?d need some one to settle down with ?slowly? and creative a bond with each other, before you even think about sex (Is sex important to you because you want to feel love/cared for?). I personality don?t know you, but you don?t sound like the type of guy who would disrespect his body just to use it to give and take pleasure. It just seems to me that you?re not around the type of people who relate to you on the same level.

I?m saying all of this because it totally relates to me?

Sex with out bonding to the person makes me feel even more disconnected, although if it means I get to feel their warmth and love, I?ll do it? that?s the main part I enjoy? ?Feeling loved?.

My ?mates? always talk about women in a disrespecting way, it could be one of the main reasons I?m a twat on here, because I?ve adapted so well to how they ?act?, I?ve forgotten myself? it?s only after crying in front of my counsellor for ages, which made me click on to this.

Any how? please don?t change who you are, be sincere and loyal to yourself.

Keep talking, it?s good you?ve been able to open up about this matter, because it would have totally ripped your self esteem to bits if you hadn?t (Sounds like it?s already damaged quite badly).

Take care

And please keep talking.

Darren.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

All I can say is that.....my attitudes have changed towards sex since I have considered it in psychic terms.

If you have sex with someone who holds a lot of sexual anger or hostility, it will be released to you on orgasm.

If you could see all of the attachment and other nasties which your friend has picked up psychically from sleeping around and leaving a trail of destruction wherever she goes, you may not be so keen to sleep with her.

She needs time to heal, and to learn how to accept the love of one man and not many.

That doesn't look like it is going to happen, however, as she probably sees herself very different to what I've written above.

If you want to be whole, be with someone who is whole and who doesn't need to use others like tissues. You will never find solace in someone who is not satisfied with you.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

I cant give you any advice about women, god knows how their brains work, but all I can say is that it is not selfish to feel like shit and it is ok to feel depressed and try not to give yourself a kicking about what is going on for you at the moment. I dont think it makes you a hypocrite it just means that you are having a rough time of it, it doesnt mean that your advice and support in the past is any less valid. 
take care mate


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Thanks for the kind words guys. It was a rough weekend - was feeling really down for my birthday on Friday. I am now officially ancient (25) 

But I talked through all this stuff with my mum and my sister which helped me feel a lot better. I think its a positive sign that I can still get down but I tend to bounce back a lot faster now days, rather than wallow in it for days, or weeks, or years  And I only ever think about self harm or suicide in passing but the thought of either makes me feel sort of sick, which is a really positive change as well.

Its ok Satriales I get what you are saying. This girl isn't trash, she is a really nice girl in many ways, but clearly has a lot of issues. Who doesn't? I am proud of myself that I decided not to get involved with her because I don't think it would do me any good. And yeah, in time I'll feel a lot better about all this.

Anyway, I think I just needed to get angry and let out some pain. Thanks for listening


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Darren said:


> Hey CECIL. I?ve always seen you as kind considerate guy. I believe you?d need some one to settle down with ?slowly? and creative a bond with each other, before you even think about sex (Is sex important to you because you want to feel love/cared for?). I personality don?t know you, but you don?t sound like the type of guy who would disrespect his body just to use it to give and take pleasure. It just seems to me that you?re not around the type of people who relate to you on the same level.


You are probably right in this regard. I'm going to have to think about this one. I want a relationship and sex because I long for some sort of connection yet at the same time I know I'm not really ready for it and that I need to make myself happy first.

I've never liked the idea of just using people for sex and I've never done it. I'm not the kind of person that can lie to get someone into bed and if I did I'd feel terrible about it afterwards.

Honestly the whole meat market dating game of pubs/clubs etc doesn't appeal to me at all, yet that seems to be how a lot of people meet etc.


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## Guest (Dec 3, 2007)

Why do you want a connect with some one, is it because you?re disconnected to yourself? If you?re not fully ?together? you can?t fully connect with any one else. I believe in order to get in touch with yourself, it would be ideal to be with some one else who shares the same morals as yourself, that why you won?t need to look at yourself in the mirror to be reminded who you are. If you want to make yourself happy, treat yourself how a woman, who respected you would treat you. In order words, love yourself? just not with your right hand (Tut tut; *Waves index finger at ya).

I have used and been used for sex (Not you Rozanne, you gave me a *breath of garlic*? oh and by the way, is it Rozanne or Rozanna? humm) and you just feel pathetic afterwards, although some people love to do the alphabet of men or women? I rather seek the ultimate bound with some one, to die for ECT. Yeah I know, I couldn?t have sex with a intoxicated lady friend, even if she tried to seduce me (That would be way funny, a drunk lady friend ?wanting? me and I just rejected her offer? *Day dreams for bout 10mins*? ahhh? *Tut tut @ self*? sorry with me feeling unloveable, it would really get me excited to be desired like that? =q)

The internet seems to be the only place I can be myself? although many others hide themselves? so it?s a not a place to trust people? yet even out in the fresh air, you can?t really trust people? but in till you do, you?ll not be happy? so don?t lay back because you can?t handle being hurt ECT (Directed to myself rather then you... teehee =P).

Darren.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Yeah I know, this is why I feel hypocritical. I know what I need to do (love myself and treat myself well) yet for whatever reason I don't do it. Well that's not true, I am still changing and moving towards that way of being but probably not as fast as I could be. Its still hard not to chastise myself for it I guess, but I know I just need to relax and be patient with it.

P.S. I'm not trying to put you down because I know you are dyslexic. The reason your spell checker is capitalising "ECT" is because et cetera is abbreviated as "etc", not "ect"  Sorry that's the spelling nazi in me talking


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## Guest (Dec 4, 2007)

Well perhaps you?re just fed up of doing what others believe to be ?right? for you? =).

LOL? what the hell is ECT then? I love being dyslexic now I can see the funny side of it =P. Thank you for making me aware of that =).

Catch ya later.


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