# Any tips for being scared about RECOVERING after 18 years??



## happydp (Sep 4, 2013)

Hello everyone,

This is my first posting. I am so very grateful to have found this incredible group of survivors!

I have had DP for about 18 years now. I have begun working on my DP very intensely, and honestly, after so many yeeeears, I am having little moments of FINALLY feeling alive and awake again.

But--- I was standing in my bathroom, looking in the mirror and I suddenly felt what it was to be in my body again. I began feeling as if I was behind my eyes and under my skin. Very odd sensation, as if I was getting smaller and shrinking back into my body. It all hit me so suddenly and I felt as if I was a stranger in my own life, but in a reversal sort of way now. Most people feel like they have lost themselves because of the DP / DR. But what happens when you have had it most of your life and now you suddenly feel like you are waking up from a coma??

I felt like I barely recognized myself or my family. It felt F-ING AMAZING to feel awake for those few moments (it faded, but I know i will find that more and more now) however, I was stricken with a new sort of anxiety. I feel as if I am more incredibly vulnerable now, going back into realty, than I have ever been before. I am afraid that I will not recognize myself or others who I have met since getting the DP many years ago.

I hope i am making sense! Trying to explain the best way I can. It is sort of a reversal anxiety thing. Just, very very real and intense. Indescribably vulnerable!!!! Any thoughts on this one?

Thank you in advance!!


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## little star (Jun 28, 2013)

Hi happydp,

Wow, you have dp for 18 years... ppfft... It is a long time... And now you are going to recover? I am so happy for you!

I am a 34th woman, coming from The Netherlands and I have dp for 9 years... chronic...

Sometimes I ask myself: What was normal? How feels normal? Did you have the same thougths?

How are you recovered?

I can believe that "normal" for us feels "abnormal"... because we have dp for so long... Maybe we must have to get used to "normal"... ???

Greetings!


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## seafoamwinterz (Aug 12, 2013)

Wow, that's freaking insane. Congradulations! I've been DP'd for nine years.


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2013)

Going on 11 years here. Glad you survived.


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Man I need to take some of this advice for myself.

Happydp .... What were u like before u decided to recover? Did u still have a life, we're u working & accepting of DP anyway?


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## happydp (Sep 4, 2013)

Wow-- how nice you all are! Thank you for your honesty, everyone. This is such indescribable hell in so many ways, living like this. ...My life? Before this? Well, I was very very active and I worked out seven days per week, kept as healthy as possible, and ate well, lots of water etc etc. I really worked hard on my health. I ended up having these very odd bouts of fatigue and disorientation. I was a teenager at the time, and I had done pot once or twice. I ended up hallucinating BIG TIME on marijuana and was hospitalized. I did not get the full-on depersonalized feeling though until about six months (I think?) after the hospitalization from the marijuana reaction.

I went to a million trillion doctors. Nobody helped. Most were arrogant and unkind. Though I met a few gems along the way. I ended up having a lot of physical health problems and I was diagnosed with severe reactive hypoglycemia after a timed glucose monitoring test. After that came such debilitating fatigue that I had to be spoon fed and held up in the bathroom. So, needless to say, I was having more problems than just the DP. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, which is a neuro-immune disease. A lot of people think that it is just a sleepy disorder, but it is muuuuch more than that. The DP, I came to realize, was just one part of a physical illness. So I have lived with all of my symptoms for years, tryyying to work jobs as much as my body would allow it. I began having a lot of pain issues and my weakness issues fluctuated a lot. Like I said, at times, I was being spoon fed. Then a few years later, I might have been able to go out walking and working part time. It's been a very very hard road. I try really hard not to complain to most people.

I became best friends with another person who had all the same physical and mental issues that I have, but my friend ended up passing away last year. (Sorry to be so blunt, I just don't want to bombard everyone with tooo long of a story if I can help it, you know.) I then had a couple family members pass away around the same time, and I seriously lost it emotionally. I went into such a horrific depression. But I always kept trying and trying anything I possible could to help myself to feel better in any way.

I have been working with a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP), and SEPs are experts in helping trauma survivors / anxiety survivors. I recently found out about DP and totally jumped for joy to know that there was a 'word' for my exact mental /emotional problems. I always told people that I felt permanently drunk or high, like I could never wake up. There were a couple videos on youtube that helped me to understand it more (Thank god for honest brave people willing to tell their stories!!!) plus, my SEP has helped me with some pointers as well. So I started doing some emotional / mental exercises to bring me back to 'reality' and sure enough, I have actually been having little tiny moments of being "back"... The odd new anxiety from it is scaring me though. And so here I am, now connecting with you good people.

Gosh, should I post this in the section for newcomers?? Hmm...

Just for your reference, if you Youtube "depersonalization sean madden", and find his 30-minute video, you will see the one that helped me to understand a lot more about this disorder, and what to do to help it. He is not selling anything at all, but he recommended a book called "The Power of Now", which he credits for helping to cure him. --It's not even a book about DP, but the way that Sean explained it, made a lot of sense. Here is a link to his actual video: 




Sorry about any typos. I have a hard time re-reading what I type out. I just type, then I get really exhausted, and I just have to be ok with it, typos and all. Thank you everyone for your replies. Seriously, such a heroic group of people here. SUCH RESPECT FOR YOU ALL!!! ... Thank you...


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## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

Wow uve had a long hard road!

U know what I am goi through a current state of chronic fatigue...


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## Ivan Hawk (Jan 22, 2010)

I've had DP switching between episodic and chronic for about 13 years now, but certain circumstances certainly intensify it.

I honestly just don't feel of this world with core personality traits so rare they caused an unnecessary amount of anxiety from a lack of understanding from others I grew up around.

It's almost like what the majority doesn't understand will be criticized as not being part of the conventional wisdom until some brilliant individual introduces the "new ideas" for a society or world.

Seeing more truth in the matter - in yourself and your situation - is what helps... is what helped reduce my dp. Expressing more emotions is one key to living more. But having more truth and purpose in them.


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

happydp said:


> But--- I was standing in my bathroom, looking in the mirror and I suddenly felt what it was to be in my body again. I began feeling as if I was behind my eyes and under my skin. Very odd sensation, as if I was getting smaller and shrinking back into my body. It all hit me so suddenly and I felt as if I was a stranger in my own life, but in a reversal sort of way now. Most people feel like they have lost themselves because of the DP / DR. But what happens when you have had it most of your life and now you suddenly feel like you are waking up from a coma??
> 
> I felt like I barely recognized myself or my family. It felt F-ING AMAZING to feel awake for those few moments (it faded, but I know i will find that more and more now) however, I was stricken with a new sort of anxiety. I feel as if I am more incredibly vulnerable now, going back into realty, than I have ever been before. I am afraid that I will not recognize myself or others who I have met since getting the DP many years ago.
> 
> ...


 I too have dealt with this for quite a while and can relate to some of your mentioned experience.

I know what you are talking about with the anxiety of "coming out" of the numbness. But, it's just another layer that you work through in coming to your natural state of mental and emotional well-being. I would not reflect too much on the new anxiety; it's just the old problem from a new perspective. Keep moving forward and emerge gently.


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## Francis (Sep 17, 2013)

I have the same phobia, I've had it for so long I can't actually remember a point in life when I felt normal, the only thing I know is that I need to feel real again.

Good luck to you.


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## happydp (Sep 4, 2013)

My god, you guys are all so wise and so intelligent. Wow. Thank you everyone for your input. I am sincerely comforted to know that I belong to such an impressive group of people. Thank you, friends.


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I definitely relate to having fear about living in reality after a long time with dp. I've had it for over a decadenow, and my life has changed a lot, for the better, at the same time. I find myself wondering whether I could handle this current life if I could feel it all. Reading posts from people who recover helps me see that I can.


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