# Don't know if I can do this anymore



## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I haven't been doing good lately and I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've been dealing with this for such a long time and I'm tired. I'm scared that I'm gonna go crazy and I can't talk about how I feel cause no one seems to understand. I had a breakdown last year and since then I haven't been myself. I feel so alone going through this. What makes it harder is having ocd and dealing with intrusive thoughts. Things don't feel real to me sometimes and I'm just so tired of everything.


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

Hi 
Sorry your so down and fed up i cant relate ive had this crap for over a year and a half , its crazy mines from ocd/anxiety sort of a break down back in Nov 2015 .
What caused your break down ?

How long have you had dr dp ?


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I was going through a lot of stress before christmas last year and also dealing with a lot of changes in my life caused me to have a breakdown. I've been dealing with dp dr for about 6 years now. It gets better for awhile but this feels different than the other times I dealt with dp dr. I feel like I don't know who I am and I feel stuck. I'm scared that I'm not gonna get through this and I don't know what to do anymore.


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

6 years wow is that chroinc ?
It's strange how much the symptoms change with this, it happens to me also 
I get use to a feeling then i get a new one then i freak .
I dont know who iam anymore to its horrid its like im acting but i worry people can tell im different. 
Like you im scared ill be like this forever i dont know how I could accept that or live like this untill I die .


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## allison84 (May 4, 2016)

Sorry i cant offer any advice just that you are not alone even though that doesn't really help


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## Nayr_Enivel (Nov 28, 2015)

Same, tired in every possible way with an emphasis on existential fatigue. I don't know what to say other than to keep trying to find any way you can to get through each day. The truth of talking about this experience to friends, family and even therapists is that unless they have personally experienced something similar, there's just no way they're going to truly understand and the empathy they feel is going to be strong yet confused over the details. There are quite a few treatment and soothing options available, however it seems as if you're more in the camp of treatment resistant sufferers since that sort of weariness tends to be more pronounced in those who have gone through most of the typical and atypical methods without practical success.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Sounds very similar to the situation I went through. A massive breakdown with anxiety and OCD/intrusive thoughts out the ass. I was totally suicidal. The only thing that worked for me was getting on enough anti anxiety medication to knock it out. It stopped the OCD and the panic. So that's what I would urge you to look into if you're going through hell. The DP/DR type symptoms are very difficult to treat and I haven't had success with that. The only thing I've been able to do is medicate it to the point where I don't care too much about anything on a day to day basis. That may be your best shot for now.


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

colleen1994 said:


> I haven't been doing good lately and I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've been dealing with this for such a long time and I'm tired. I'm scared that I'm gonna go crazy and I can't talk about how I feel cause no one seems to understand. I had a breakdown last year and since then I haven't been myself. I feel so alone going through this. What makes it harder is having ocd and dealing with intrusive thoughts. Things don't feel real to me sometimes and I'm just so tired of everything.


This hell is horrible! I been dealing with it for 5 months and I can't even imagine what your 6 years have been like. No one deserves this hell. Are you taking any kind of medications? Don't give up. Have you tried meditation, exercise, yoga? I know some people here say it helps. Distraction is key. I know it's hard.


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I used to exercise a lot and it seemed to help but my depression got worse and I lost motivation to work out. I don't take any medication, I'm scared to take anything honestly. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror and other people look weird to me. I went through this before but it still scares me. My biggest fear is going crazy and also losing touch with reality and never getting better. I wanna talk about how I feel to my family but I don't want them to start thinking too much about it and then going through it themselves. I posted on here before but never replied to anyone cause I started dealing with a blank mind and couldn't talk to anyone.


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## caseyb086 (Apr 7, 2017)

Chicane said:


> Sounds very similar to the situation I went through. A massive breakdown with anxiety and OCD/intrusive thoughts out the ass. I was totally suicidal. The only thing that worked for me was getting on enough anti anxiety medication to knock it out. It stopped the OCD and the panic. So that's what I would urge you to look into if you're going through hell. The DP/DR type symptoms are very difficult to treat and I haven't had success with that. The only thing I've been able to do is medicate it to the point where I don't care too much about anything on a day to day basis. That may be your best shot for now.


What kind of medication was helpful to you??


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

caseyb086 said:


> What kind of medication was helpful to you??


Celexa and klonopin combo.


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## caseyb086 (Apr 7, 2017)

Chicane said:


> Celexa and klonopin combo.


Do you take klonopin on a daily basis or just as needed??


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## Billy D.P. (Apr 12, 2016)

I too have been in a tough place recently. I've been battling a severe case of persistent DP-DR and HPPD for over two years now and have also been dealing with endocrine problems (adrenal fatigue, thyroiditis, etc.) for the past 15 months or so. I currently have hypothyroidism which is almost as much of a nightmare as DP. To put it into perspective, it's not entirely uncommon for people with thyroid issues to be misdiagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar. After a lifetime of being sharp, witty, funny, curious and generally intelligent I've seen my brain, memory and cognitive function -- not to mention my body -- completely deteriorate to the point I can barely talk or string sentences together. I can't remember hardly anything day to day, I've lost contact with all my friends, I don't really laugh or smile at all and most importantly I'm in some sort of severe mental or physical pain at all times.

It's strange because I'm so much better than I was a year ago when I had the first breakdown of my life, hand't slept in three months and went through a horrible breakup. I didn't know how I would make it minute to minute, much less day to day, and was basically suicidal for months on end. I'm no longer in that nightmare, yet it seems the pain has just transformed into a different type of suffering, less so emotional and more so physiological and cognitive.

I should have been dead many times by now, but I'm still alive for some reason. I think so much of my survival has hinged on my ability to absorb the most excruciating emotional pain I ever thought possible, only to endure yet another wave even more intense shortly thereafter and to repeat this process over and over for hundreds of days on end. Eventually you get to the point where, as depressing as it sounds, endurance of pain simply becomes who you are.

Trust me, I know very well the desire to be through with it all. That peace of finally just letting go and submitting to the waves and never having to deal with the pain again is enticing. I can't tell you how many times I've used suicide ideation as a way to cope, just knowing the option was always on the table gave me relief. But the other option is that eventually, as long as you do everything in your power to improve your health, you will get better. I always knew this, and even though my improvement has been microscopic it's still improvement, still movement in the right direction. And so this has basically been my lifesaver throughout this entire process: movement. You just have to keep moving, keep exercising, keep going to therapy, keep improving your diet, keep striving for health and happiness at whatever the cost. Because the minute you decide to stop is the minute you get closer to death. It's just like the dead shark theory from Annie Hall.

This is the best advice I can give, honestly. I've been in your shoes so I know what it's like, and this is the only thing I can say that might help. The truth is, you're the only one that knows what's right for you. I hope you can find a way to keep fighting because I have tremendous confidence that as long as you improve your health in some way each day you're taking a positive step in the right direction, but I also understand the severity of this condition and cannot judge anyone who decides to go a different route. We all know what's best for ourselves and we must listen to our hearts.

Though I've shed tears tonight because of my pain I know that tomorrow is a new day and that I can take steps to get better. I plan on doing just that, and I hope you will to. Life, even in tremendous heartache and overwhelming suffering, is and always will be worth living.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

caseyb086 said:


> Do you take klonopin on a daily basis or just as needed??


I take 10mg of Celexa in the morning, and 0.25mg klonopin both morning and night. This is a 20mg celexa pill broken in half (which then lasts two days) and then a 0.5mg klonopin pill broken in half as well, one half morning, the other half before bed. Staying on a low but consistent dose like this has worked for me. It's mitigated the anxiety but is a low enough dose to not be too harsh on my system, and keeps everything at bay 24/7. It might seem a little unorthodox, but I didn't want to be on too high a dose of anything, and you have to account for side effects like fatigue and sexual dysfunction that are part and parcel if you're taking these particular meds in high doses. And this way, if I'm having a very bad time, I can still always throw in an extra half of klonopin as needed in the moment. Can even have a beer or two in the evening without worrying about interactions. But then if I do that, I usually skip the nightly klonopin so there's nothing for the alcohol to negatively combine with.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

colleen1994 said:


> I haven't been doing good lately and I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've been dealing with this for such a long time and I'm tired. I'm scared that I'm gonna go crazy and I can't talk about how I feel cause no one seems to understand. I had a breakdown last year and since then I haven't been myself. I feel so alone going through this. What makes it harder is having ocd and dealing with intrusive thoughts. Things don't feel real to me sometimes and I'm just so tired of everything.





colleen1994 said:


> I was going through a lot of stress before christmas last year and also dealing with a lot of changes in my life caused me to have a breakdown. I've been dealing with dp dr for about 6 years now. It gets better for awhile but this feels different than the other times I dealt with dp dr. I feel like I don't know who I am and I feel stuck. I'm scared that I'm not gonna get through this and I don't know what to do anymore.


Hi colleen, I was sorry to read how difficult you are finding things. I can relate because I've been there. Being afraid, being so tired and not knowing what to do 

But don't give up there's lots of things that can make a difference, you just need to find what works for you, whether that's the right medication or an alternative approach. It is horrible feeling like you're on the edge, and if you're exhausted maybe that's not surprising. I know that when I felt like that it was because I was burned out. You can get better.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Chicane said:


> I take 10mg of Celexa in the morning, and 0.25mg klonopin both morning and night. This is a 20mg celexa pill broken in half (which then lasts two days) and then a 0.5mg klonopin pill broken in half as well, one half morning, the other half before bed. Staying on a low but consistent dose like this has worked for me. It's mitigated the anxiety but is a low enough dose to not be too harsh on my system, and keeps everything at bay 24/7. It might seem a little unorthodox, but I didn't want to be on too high a dose of anything, and you have to account for side effects like fatigue and sexual dysfunction that are part and parcel if you're taking these particular meds in high doses. And this way, if I'm having a very bad time, I can still always throw in an extra half of klonopin as needed in the moment. Can even have a beer or two in the evening without worrying about interactions. But then if I do that, I usually skip the nightly klonopin so there's nothing for the alcohol to negatively combine with.


That's interesting, Chicane. It sounds like you've found a good balance of medications that work well for you that's adaptable to your needs on a given day. Was it something you worked out with your doctor that took some trial and error?


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I forgot to mention that I used to take magnesium and I also had fish oil, it seemed to help after I had my first mental breakdown. After my second breakdown I started taking vitamins and I also had fish oil again which did help for awhile until I stopped using them. I was just too busy to take care of myself and now I'm depressed. My anxiety hasn't been really bad and my ocd isn't as bad as before but I still deal with a lot of intrusive thoughts. I was feeling suicidal but I got through it. I've been away from home for 2 months now, I've been trying to help myself get through this. It's such a hard thing to go through and it makes me feel sad that so many people have to deal with this too. But for all the people that are new to this or have been going through it for awhile, it does get better. I got through it before and although I'm having a very hard time with dp dr right now, I'll get through this someday. I feel kinda hopeful actually, I haven't felt this way in months. Anyway, if anyone wants to talk about anything, whatever it is, you can message me if you want.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

I'm quite sensitive to meds aswell and also went the supplement route. I currently take glutamine and tryptophan and they have really settled me down. Tryptophan especially seems to have hit the spot (or filled the hole). I also take fish oil and magnesium sometimes. It can be very hard, and it sounds like you've been through the mill lately, so it's really good to hear you are still positive about coming through it.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Phantasm said:


> That's interesting, Chicane. It sounds like you've found a good balance of medications that work well for you that's adaptable to your needs on a given day. Was it something you worked out with your doctor that took some trial and error?


It's a stripped down version of the med schedule my psychiatrist laid out for me. She wanted me on 20mg (1 pill) of celexa in the morning and 1 klonopin morning and night. That seemed like kind of a lot to me initially, but I tried it. A few weeks in, I felt like a total zombie, so I cut it in half and that has seemingly worked out decently. I feel like a lot of psychiatrists prescribe too much from the get go, not taking side effects or the fact that a lot of people are sensitive to medication into consideration.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

I agree. I guess the worse state you communicate to them, the stronger the dose they prescribe, when in fact if you're anxious and sensitive to affect, you mostly just want something mild to settle you down. The last meds I was prescribed (sertraline), I broke in half as well.


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I felt hopeful for a couple days but now I'm back to feeling really depressed. I just wanna feel like myself again.


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## dope (Aug 31, 2016)

I'm sorry guys! Everyone is suffering so bad...I wish I could help everyone tbh...If anyone wants help please don't hesitate to message me!


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

colleen1994 said:


> I felt hopeful for a couple days but now I'm back to feeling really depressed. I just wanna feel like myself again.


I guess it's the way of these things that we're going to have good days and bad days. When I'm not feeling well I try to slow down and say to myself, "okay, if I feel bad today then I feel bad today and I'm not gonna fight it." Somehow that makes it easier and in time it passes. Hope you feel better.


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

My anxiety is really bad right now and also my dp dr. I was away from home for a couple months and I just got back home yesterday. I feel like I don't belong here. I also keep thinking that I'm gonna go crazy and it's making my anxiety worse. It feels like I'm in a dream. I don't feel like myself either.


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## HopingCat36 (Jun 17, 2017)

colleen1994 said:


> My anxiety is really bad right now and also my dp dr. I was away from home for a couple months and I just got back home yesterday. I feel like I don't belong here. I also keep thinking that I'm gonna go crazy and it's making my anxiety worse. It feels like I'm in a dream. I don't feel like myself either.


You are not going to go crazy. We all would have been crazy by now. I been stuck like this for 6 months and it's 24/7. I don't really catch breaks. I just try to ignore all those stupid feelings and thoughts. Are you taking anything for that anxiety? Anxiety makes this hell worse I'm sure you know. I couldn't take it anymore and got on some medications. I figure if I can control this anxiety I would be able to ignore this Dp/dr hell better.


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I've been really depressed lately and I also have this fear of becoming schizophrenic. I keep thinking I'm gonna forget who I am and I'm scared I'll lose touch with reality and never get better. I feel lost.


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## Grindelwald (Jul 22, 2017)

Don't worry. It's not schizophrenia and you'll almost certainly never develop it. It's anxiety.


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## colleen1994 (Feb 23, 2015)

I stopped thinking so much and worrying I'll go crazy. I got used to everything and I'm at a point where I don't care what happens to me. I've given up. I feel like I don't care about anything or anyone. Things still don't feel real but it doesn't scare me anymore. I'm just so tired of everything.


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Although it can feel like a bleak limbo, it can also be a turning point. I got to a stage when I had no choice but to accept that all my struggling was in vain, and that was when I started taking care of myself. Only gentle self-support in my thoughts and practices, like relaxation, and things that made me feel better. For many people the problem is how they react to and interpret what they are experiencing, fighting and analyzing, so to reach the point where you aren't scared anymore and don't care whatever stress throws at you can be a good thing. It's all about how you go forward from here. Be gentle, be kind, look after yourself.


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