# I'm absolutely tired of this



## Guest (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi everybody,

I'm 24 year old male, I want to tell you my story. This is not a success story yet so if you're looking for that please go on.

In 2010 July, after a few weeks of moderate drinking (mainly beer, never really liked hard stuff), I had my first panic attack. It was a day with a not so bad hangover, I got up, nothing was extra, I started to work on my computer, and a few hours later when I was trying to get up, I got a panic attack. A strange feeling came, heart palpitations, great fear... a typical hard panic attack. I went to the hospital, they did a few tests, and told me that I'm completely healthy.

But, that few minutes of panic changed my life. Before that, I was the *most fearless and controlled person I knew*, I did have problems, but I wasn't worrying about them, I was only thinking about them when I was about to solve them. I was into a few books like Power of Now or the 49 Laws of Power. I was always a man of his ambitions, I'm always working on my goals, but living life at the same time.

But after the panic attack, a very strange feeling started. First, I told the doctor that I'm already okay but I have this feeling, like I'm *not completely awake*, or *drunk a lil' bit*, or like it isn't me. The next two days was the worst of my life. Note that I been through very hard times in my childhood, tragedies and constant family fights, etc.. But in that two days, I was constantly saying and thinking "I gone crazy, I'll spend the rest of my life in an institution, etc.." I been never more scared in my life. Never ever.

I developed an extreme panic disorder, but it *never*stopped me from going anywhere.

That was 6 months ago. A few panic attack came, but after once I faced the fear and let it happen, they stopped. That was an incredible feeling and I thought that'd be the big turning point. It was NOT.

Now, I'm not gonna front, I'm completely confused about my... I don't know illness, state, disorder. I've read thousands of internet articles, sometimes I thought I only *need to sleep*, or it's just _*magnesium inefficiency*_, but other times I'm thinking I'm _*mentally ill*_ and will never recover, or I was _*living a life of a lying loser*_ and now I'm realizing this (and going crazy). I was even believing that _*I'm an alcoholic*_. I was afraid that those few "spiritual" practices I did caused this and _*my ego is collapsed now*_ and this is why I fear. Or I'm _*depressed*_. Or the too much past pain is just _*killed my mind*_. Or I have _*candida*_. Or I have some _*ear infection*_ like labyrinthitis. In other, inspired moments I was thinking this is *my subconscious trying to vent* itself from the past fear so I could be liberated somehow.

As you see, fucking confused is a very moderate way to describe my state. Before that, I was always the one who others came to some support cuz they were always seeing
my confidence and emotional strength.

*I'm tired of this.* I have life goals, I want to go out and achieve them, I'm an upcoming and successfull musician, I have my own business. I want to LOVE myself (which I do in some way, just not feeling it), want to LOVE LIFE, want to achieve as many things I can.

But my current state is :

- fear of death, constantly questioning the meaning of life and lost the feeling of passion
- feeling of not being totally awake
- confused scary negative thoughts which just "come" 
- mood swings
- anxiety
- very strange ear sensations
- empty head, which is scary
- lost control over my feelings

The most scary about this state is that it robbed my confidence. It's like every fucking thought that ever existed in my environment has the permission to touch my soul and make me fear. I'm thinking about (unintentionally) the worst possible side of everything in my life.

What make it even more confused, that in this HALF YEAR of living in terrible terror, the quality of my work didn't changed a bit. I work hard, I work good, I make quality work, I'm good at everything I been good at, and NOBODY even notices that I have even a little problem. Only when I actually say it.

But I feel like a scared weak retarded idiot and I know it's not normal.

If anybody has any advice or idea about what the hell I'm going through, please help!


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## mrhj350 (Feb 18, 2011)

I know exactly what its like, thats why i posted something similar, i can relate all i can say is i hope there is some sort of light at the end of this terrible tunnel, cheers mrhj350.


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## Guest (Feb 28, 2011)

yea, i have the same simptoms you described. First i can tell you, that people have been through dp, and now they see it like a joke or something. its just some dark matter of fear that dwells into our minds. we need to acknowledge this fear, and by doing this helps us get away from that moment. also the same problem that caused dp to me is much similar to yours. IDK what to do, maybe we have just some kind of unregular problem like sleeping disoreder or smth idk. Well as far as i know and read about it, yea facing your most horrible fears in your daily life, helps you get away from that feeling. i found out that in daytime i have dp and when it comes to like 2am in the night its fine, everything is normal, no dp no fear(well maybe sometimes). So it means im kinda afraid of the day(i am a sociophobic =afraid of people). so yea thats my biggest problem and by fear of people it causes me to get dp and hide my real emotions. so that habbit made its place in my mind, and now i live like that every day. i think we really need to not pretend things we do and not hide our emotions, despite of their nature. idk thats just my idea of what i think it is, maybe it helps a bit. everyone must create its own light in their lifes, you must be your own Lighthouse or whatever







. Buddhism helps sometimes







. Good luck!


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2011)

whatup guys

I'm here to tell you that I'm cured. I have almost no anxiety, haven't had panic attacks for months, and the depersonalization symptoms are now fading into memories.

this weekend, I even drank nice amounts of alcohol, and hangover was nothing extreme. It was a normal hangover.

while suffering from this horrible anxiety, panic disorder and DP, I faced my fears and faced a lot of issues I been hiding from myself, and I'm a lot better now in all ways. I dropped smoking too. my old confidence and the sickening passion I used to have are coming back.

so never give up.


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## stefisings (Mar 4, 2011)

I'm brand new to this forum and don't know if this is the right place to put this but here goes nothing.

I developed my anxiety/panic/ DP/DR after smoking a joint when I was 13...It was like the movie "NUMB" (which if you guys haven't seen you should. It is all about this...It stars...OMG..ummm Chandler from friends and it is about a guy who smokes too much pot one night and then ....THIS. The way he flipped out was like watching my own story.

Anyway, my disorder (???) whatever it is...didn't hit me full force until college. I dropped out shortly after. I got help...I moved on. I didn't consider myself cured but that I had it "under control" I traveled, married, made an awesome career for myself...(awesome in the way that I am doing what I love and getting paid to do it...I am not successful in the "tons of money in the bank" way) I have great friends...So, now at the ripe old age of 46 I can tell you that there is life beyond this. i keep reading posts where people say "I have ruined my life and I'm just starting out" NO WAY...you haven't!!!

Getting back to the DP...This is what I wrote recently on a similar site and just wanna share with anyone that is feeling the same way.

...I have dealt with anxiety of one kind or another for most of my life...but a few years ago, this depersonalization really gave me a run for the money...How could it be related to anxiety or panic when it would happen during times of relative calmness??? Well, the truth is I am so used to being in an anxious state that I didn't even realize how wound up I was each time these feelings would come and overwhelm me.

I would describe it as....
Out of body experiences
Deja vu
altered sense of reality (thoughts of am I driving the car or part of the car???)
brain zap

and so many more and yet I still can't put it into words...not really accurately!

But...wouldn't you know it...It really was my "old friend" anxiety just showing up in another form...Here is what I learned

DP/DR can not exist without anxiety. So, trying to cure DP/DR is futile...It can't be done. You have to learn to cure/cope/live with or treat the anxiety that is bringing it on. I read that someone referred to this and all panic symptoms as a playground bully who thrives on your fear...The day you truly lose your fear...he gets bored and goes. What a great analogy. It's so true...these symptoms can not survive unless you are scared of them or at the very least worried about them.

I've also read people saying ...to cure myself of DP/DR I have to accept it for awhile...This is true...even if you completely lose fear of these symptoms...they may linger awhile. Your body has been in a nervous state for awhile maybe months or years...It takes awhile for your brain and body to become desensitized to it all. DP/DR is actually the minds way of dealing with too much stress...It is sort of putting a vale or some distance between you and what is going on to give you a break. (And yes it does feel very similar to being high on pot)

However, many people (me included) say they are going to just accept the feelings but really don't...we keep checking to see "Has it gone yet" or "Why is it still here" It has to be true acceptance...An example would be...The eye doctor gives you eye drops to examine your eyes...You know that you aren't going to be able to focus on things the way you normally do..you'll have to spend the day walking around in sunglasses and maybe even into the next day. You totally accept this and just work around it or go home until it is more comfortable. Most of us do not let this really get to us..we accept it as a temporary situation and go about our lives the best we can. The same thing as having your mouth numbed at the dentist..inconvenient but not horrific. When you have this attitude to almost all anxiety/panic symptoms...They go. It may take awhile...but if you truly accept them without fear...you'll see.

The best news is...It doesn't matter how long or how much you suffer with all of this...The answer is the same. I am writing this because it helps me to put it in words and actually see it. It reminds me of what I am dealing with...If it helps anyone else...even better!!!

Peace to you all!


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## gaara (Feb 22, 2011)

Your story is...exactly me. To a Tee. Weird. I guess it is anxiety but...i dont know how to get rid of it or truly accept it. I really don't. Even when im totally distracted it's still in the back of my head and im subconsciously thinking about it.

How does one simply just forget about such a big issue. This is a lot different than I guess what you can say "situational" anxiety as in the anxiety is caused by something tangible and something you can fix like say, money, school, relationships..but when it's your own life/reality that you're doubting and just not feeling like you..then something is really wrong and you have no choice but to constnatly analyze it and worry about it and try to fix it everyday until it's gone..


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## stefisings (Mar 4, 2011)

gaara said:


> Your story is...exactly me. To a Tee. Weird. I guess it is anxiety but...i dont know how to get rid of it or truly accept it. I really don't. Even when im totally distracted it's still in the back of my head and im subconsciously thinking about it.
> 
> How does one simply just forget about such a big issue. This is a lot different than I guess what you can say "situational" anxiety as in the anxiety is caused by something tangible and something you can fix like say, money, school, relationships..but when it's your own life/reality that you're doubting and just not feeling like you..then something is really wrong and you have no choice but to constnatly analyze it and worry about it and try to fix it everyday until it's gone..


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## stefisings (Mar 4, 2011)

Ya know the more I stop and think about it...the more it is set off by situational things...or worries. I love my best girl friend like a sister but she's a nut. Whenever we hangout she drives and we wind up miles and miles (and hours) away from where we had originally set out to go.

I always start getting those DP/DR symptoms...obviously...I'm freaking out but not even realizing it...So instead of feeling all the small little anxious feelings which I'm probably not even aware of at the time...It turns into this. Also, when I go to the rec. center pool and even in the summer our property's outdoor pool..I find by the time I'm home in the shower..I can't get these feelings go fade.

For awhile last summer I thought maybe it was actually from the swimming...maybe I was shallow breathing or was having a problem not getting enough oxygen. Then, I remembered a few times when (For whatever reason) I decided not to go for the swim and turned around and came home..I still had the DP/DR so it's not an oxygen/swimming issue...It's me...Me unconsciously wondering if everyone is staring at me or is this bathing suit gonna fly off or who knows what.

When I was saying "we have to accept the feelings" by no means was I saying we have to "forget" about them...That is impossible and I think it is what frustrates us so much. I think we have to say.."Ok I'm gonna feel real spacey for awhile (put in your own description) and even though I can't stand it...I can live with it..I'm not in any danger." That kind of acceptance for a period of time will lead you to the other side How long??? I'm sure it's different for everyone but I have noticed that when I stop trying to analyze it..It goes..or maybe it doesn't and I just don't care as much..(a little of both I guess)... I know who am I to even write that when I still deal with it myself...??? But it is this writing and re-writing that helps get that little thing about acceptance (little but I think the entire key to the mystery of this)to become more and more real...I want that to me more real than the DP/DR...if that makes any sense at all. You sound like you are on the right path...Good luck..write me anytime!


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