# Found cause of my DISSOCIATION, NEED SERIOUS HELP!!!!



## Guest (Mar 5, 2007)

I was finally able to relax and feel safe about four nights ago. I came back into my body. I could feel my skin and my hair and my heart beating and my brain firing I WAS ME for about three seconds. I was unable to stay in this state because I was immediately scared of what had happened about 18 years ago. I can't be sure yet, but I think I was assaulted in a bad way by my father when I was three.

If anyone knows where I could get some MDMA-assisted psychotherapy (don't give 2 shits about where it is in the world), I would very much appreciate any sort of reference anyone could give me.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

This is the only place to look http://www.maps.org/ 
It is almost impossible to get MDMA psychotherapy legally. In Switzerland or Israel it might be possible. There are therapists doing it illegally I have heard but I dont know any.

You might be better of trying EMDR first, it is easy to find and can work.


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## lostsoul (Aug 25, 2006)

I was talking with a good friend of mine, who regularly takes MDA. I was wondering what these pills do with people. I discovered drugs (like weed, hash etc.) do nothing else then changing the body-mind balance (most of the times for the duration of the drug). This friend of mine told me he felt his hair when stroking through it with his hand, that he was very interested in other people etc.

So obviously MDA brings one more in the body. Then the question is, what does MDA contain ? What does it do the human body ?
Simple, it increases dopamine and serotonine. It does exactly the same what anti-depressivum does.

So, conclusion, anti-depressivum (especially Effexor) brings a person more into the body. So what Neuro-Transmitters basicly do is increasing (or decreasing) the felt sense.

So instead of MDA you can take Effexor, same effect. Isn't that ironic ?

But instead of taking this shit I would suggest doing a 'body scan' once a day of an hour. I'm not there yet, I feel like shit, but a body scan once brought me back in my body so I know it will work again sometime.

Also, another tip, I bet that all people with DP/DR has a weird feeling in the throat. They say this is a symptom of anxiety. Thats nonsense. It's an emotional blockade. This is why you aren't aware of emotions and your energy can't flow to your body. Solution; Sing.. for hours. Especially the La-tone (this cures this blockade). Then do a body-scan. 
We're all introverts, because of this the blockades stay blocked.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

MDMA is very different from Effexor. MDMA works by reducing anxiety while reducing psychological defences so buried subconscious material can be worked through in supported settings, it does boost serotonin etc but it works differently than anidepressants. Effexor just supresses emotional problems while MDMA brings them out.

I would look at trying EMDR before MDMA though. Much safer and less risky. http://www.emdr.com/


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## lostsoul (Aug 25, 2006)

Sorry for that mistake. I'm just trying to figure out everything so I can come out of this hell 
Perhaps I might try a MDMA pill once as a last option.


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## Pablo (Sep 1, 2005)

lostsoul said:


> Also, another tip, I bet that all people with DP/DR has a weird feeling in the throat. They say this is a symptom of anxiety. Thats nonsense. It's an emotional blockade. This is why you aren't aware of emotions and your energy can't flow to your body.


I too have a block in my throat a weird feeling like some sort of constriction  
I agree that it is an emotional block, doing something about it is the hard part, I have tried everything and so far I have found that expressing anger is the only thing which really seems to make it shift at all.

I would only consider MDMA as a last resort though as it can be very complicated with people with psychological complications. ecstasy is the reason I am in this mess so I know what I am talking about. It can positively transform you emotionaly but it can just as easily ruin you and makes you suicidal the days and weeks after taking it.


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## Ludovico (Feb 9, 2007)

MDMA is a heeelllllllllll of a lot more effective than effexor at opening the closed down emotional floodgates. Of course, it does a lot of stress on your body, but it can be amazingly effective for this kind of thing. That being said, I'm sure there are some people who attribute their DR/DP to using MDMA. Doesn't mean it wont help for you.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Pablo said:


> lostsoul said:
> 
> 
> > ecstasy is the reason I am in this mess so I know what I am talking about. It can positively transform you emotionaly but it can just as easily ruin you and makes you suicidal the days and weeks after taking it.


I can relate to that, though not to that extent.

I think a block in the throat is to do with a block on self expression. Your voice (literally and symbolically) comes through your throat so any blockage there relates to a blockage on your self expression.

Singing sounds like a good excercise to practice. I often sing in my car though I'm still self conscious since I can't do it for shit  I've also given Tuvan throat singing a go, which is very cool and feels very primal. It works to clear my head 

As for the original topic: It must be very scary to be uncovering memories like that. I still can't help but think I have memories locked away from myself as well, but can't seem to tap into them. I'm not sure why you specifically want MDMA therapy - I'm sure most kinds of psychotherapy can help you.


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## lostsoul (Aug 25, 2006)

Yes here too. Although I thought I knew the trauma that caused this I started looking back and realized that even before I didn't remember anything of my childhood, nothing, except one thing. I remember some story about two parents that got killed in a car with a child in it, the child surived. Then I started to think that I am the only blonde person in my family, not even my grandparents had blonde hair or the parents before that. Also I never ever related to anyone in my whole family. Started to make me think that there is a chance I was that child in the car and I got adopted by my parents. So this might be the reason I have been dreaming and depressed all my childhood and it just got worse.

So I was thinking of getting a birth certificate today. But then my girlfriend said after I told her this that I am always looking for problems, and she might be right. I won't get better searching for new problems so I will just let it be.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

IMO always search for answers. If you feel you need to know the truth then you won't be able to rest until you do.

Finding out you were that child would be scary, but it won't be the end of the world. You will still have a family that loves you, its just you can begin to unravel some of your past.


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## ?real?ity? (Feb 18, 2007)

it might open doors, but it sure as hell will give you stronger dp\dr for the time being anyway. just because mdma opens doors does not mean its anxiety free


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

?real?ity? said:


> it might open doors, but it sure as hell will give you stronger dp\dr for the time being anyway. just because mdma opens doors does not mean its anxiety free


Hmmm...yeah I have to agree with that. It causes a lot of body anxiety. But in mental terms I find it very relaxing, until you get to the come down which is just really annoying. You start a sentence and half way through forget what you were talking about. Repeat a million times, lol.


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## Rozanne (Feb 24, 2006)

Hello, 
This is interesting...just remember not to take your memories too seriously. Sometimes there is no way of knowing. I personally remember a dream from when I was 5 where there was a man standing across the road in a dark coat...it was a paranoid dream...I knew the man was a paedophile, the was music playing very clearly in the background "I do my crying in the rain".

I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain

For years, I found that track unpleasant/seedy to listen to. It led me recently to consider my past. There was one particular man who came to mind, called Markus who was a friend of my mum's. I remember sleeping round there with my mum and my sister once. It's a very vague dream-like memory. He doesn't feature in it. Yet I feel there was something unpleasant/sexual going on....more than likely I was just aware that my mum was involved with him and that disturbed me - sex is quite an aggressive thing to listen to when you are a child (I should imagine).

I spoke to my sister about this, and she said that when she was 9 (ie the same year I had this dream), this man Markus had kissed her and said that she was his girlfriend...I know, absolutely disgusting but I'm afraid that I have no control over the people my mum associated with. The poor woman was out of her mind and made many stupid decisions.

Anyway, just to bring my post to a conclusion, I don't, on reflection, think that I was sexually assaulted. I think that more than likely, I was just "sensitive" to this man's intentions. I was hyperaware when it came to emotional content.

It is possible that you were adopted but do you not think that is a bit far fetched? By all means, research it, but it would be sad in a way if it was true and you had been lied to for all these years.

Good luck, whatever you do.
Rozanne


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