# Recovered recently from dp



## Montezuma2Tripoli (Jan 15, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I'm 21 and have been depersonalized ever since high school when I used to have death anxiety, which worsened after I started smoking pot on and off and doing other drugs during college not realizing that it could bring back and intensify dp with a vengeance(I didn't know I was dp/dr at the time just depressed/anxious)! After a harrowing high school and college career, I think I've fully recovered from my dp as the distance I used to feel from myself and the deep, existential thoughts have receded.

When I recovered about a few weeks ago, I was uncertain then what this new sensation of recovery was. I didn't think I had recovered. I thought that I had transitioned into a strange new form of dp, so at the time I actively tried to find ways to revert back to the old form. But after a few weeks of being able to be involved in conversations/life now and not just hovering in the background as an awkward observer, I realized that this indeed was recovery and thinking back now how foolish I was in resisting this change. I'd been depersonalized for so long about 6.5 years now that I'd forgotten what being normal was and just couldn't recognize it. I had all sorts of theories to explain this new sensation, but alas I think I have fully accepted the fact that this is how life is SUPPOSED to feel like. I even missed the dp/dr for a bit because of how I'd gotten used to living with it. I think a quote from the movie swingers by ron livingston's characer pretty much sums up my sentiments, "Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain."

Even though I'd never want to go back into that state again, I hope I can be honest in saying there was something beautiful about it. Maybe it was the different perspective that it gave me, or maybe I'm just tripping because I've totally forgotten how being dp'ed feels like haha! Whatever the case, I am back and just wanted to share my story with you guys. If you guys happen to feel a different sensation who knows maybe it's finally the beginning of your road recovery! I didn't know that it was for me. In fact, I'm still getting used to the feeling of being normal again. I think I still live with the patterns of being dp'ed in terms of how I think and see things. Can anyone else relate to this or that just me of being recovered but still have a lot adjusting to do? That'd be great if you guys could share.

But alright that's about it from me going to finally live on with my life now! I wish the best of luck to everyone! Don't give up hope! I assure you your recovery will come when you least expect it as mines did! I'm still really surprised when my dp subsided when it did. Good luck and cheers guys


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

hey there... ur post is very goos and inspiring... i have been like this for the last 2 years.. sgtarting from severe anxiety.. and constant confusion about the way i felt.... im kinda at a standstill now.. i was doin so great for the last year and then recently things got really rough wen i started bak therepy.panic and fear every morning and just existential hell constanstly... every second wondering why i am here, me and wat is life,.. it makes no sense anymore.. words , ppl, everything.. its like its all boring or meaningless. Its an utterly depressing feeling. and its one no one seems to understand at all.! its a very lonely place to be... its like the very fact that i am awake scares me. can u relate?


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## Montezuma2Tripoli (Jan 15, 2012)

Hey sorry to hear about your experience, but I totally understand what you're going through. Feeling completely alone, how nothing seems to make sense anymore like words, ppl and I bet most importantly of all relationships too. I remember there were days where I would wake up and just have a full blown panic attack the moment I opened up my eyes and started to get a sense of the frightening world around me. Being dp'ed is such a distressing feeling I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully, there's plenty of support on this forum to help get you through it. I wish I had found this forum sooner, but I only found this place near the end of my spell with dp and so didn't get to reap the full benefits of it for the main duration of my time being dp'ed. I think what helped me was making the effort to lead a normal life again like trying to socialize again and just endure that awkward phase of trying to leave my hole so to speak. If you ever want to talk or anything just pm me. I'll try to get back to you the best I can. I know dp's really rough like beyond comprehension, but don't give up. My day came and I never thought it would. Just so thankful. Good luck to you and feel free to hit me up any time!


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## toshibatelly (Sep 13, 2011)

When my DP/DR went away for a few years it was as though I was an amnesiac, I never thought, "WOW, I don't have that awful, eery feeling anymore, this is great", I just lived a normal life. Once it came back I remembered it though.


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## Montezuma2Tripoli (Jan 15, 2012)

That's kinda interesting. You just didn't realize your dp went away? I kinda feel like I went through some sort of rebirth after my dp went away. I felt as if I had the mind of a baby in the sense that it was free of all associations, connotations, and social rules/understanding, and it was a clean slate to begin learning all these things once again.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

thank u so much for gettin bak to me... do u know why ur dp started? it feels to me like im different or im the only one with symptoms.. yes i wake up in full panic also.. and cry because i feel i willl never feel normal again. i have bad anxiety for the last two years and it got better but im having an awful month now.. im in therepy trying to sort out the do but its painful which is makin me feel even more frightend of the world around me... i want my life and my ''me bak... i feel like this world is not the one i lived in before its scarey and has no meaning ...







but i know its the same.. but i feel so out of place in it.. its like i forgot how to be human.. i want me life bak ... and i wanna stop questioning everything around me.. im frightend of being alive,,, but ive always been alive.. so wat is that all about... life has lost its point.. its lonely and scarey and it feels like sumthing i have to act my way thru.... if u could help me in anyway or even tell me if u have experienced that.. i cud go on on on with the existential thoughts i have,. but i wont bore u xxx


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## Montezuma2Tripoli (Jan 15, 2012)

No problem glad to be of help to you! Yes I remember how my dp started. It started after I started getting really bad anxiety in high school. I guess to be frank I was really worried about death. One day in high school I just had this really random thought of me lying on my death bed and imagining what it would be like after. For some reason, it just opened up my mind and I started entertaining all these frighteningly profound thoughts about what life was like after I died whether God really existed and whether I'd go to heaven etc. I guess I was pretty naive about life and existence then, and I didn't have the emotional support to help me get over it swiftly like I should have. My anxiety kinda spiraled down into a serious panic disorder, and one day I remembering wondering if I was in the matrix because I felt like the world I was seeing through my eyes wasn't real. The backdrop of the city i live in from the hill my high school was on felt like I was looking at a desktop background on my computer. That's the earliest memory I have of being dp/dr. As my dp/dr progressed, I kinda started to feel subhuman like you did. I felt like I was no longer apart of humanity and started to hate it. I just thought it was so repulsive, but at the same time I'm sure I deeply and ashamedly wanted to be apart of it as much as I told myself I reviled it. I know your experience is really difficult right now







It seemed so long ago when I was having those same awful experiences, but what always kept me going was how dp/dr and anxiety elucidated just how fragile and beautiful life was among all this chaos in our minds. Imagine if everyone had dp/dr what a frightening and chaotic world we'd live in! I understood and saw beauty in everything and everyone because what a chance occurrence it is, if you believe in evolution that is! and yea that's really what kept me going among a lot of other things, but I had to find that on my own and it was a very personal personal journey. I don't know I wish someone could just give us all a warm loving hug and make it go away instantly but unfortunately that's not it works. What helped me overcome it was just facing the root of my anxiety, death, accepting that my life had taken a different course and that I wasn't going to be the same person that I was before it started, and accepting my current state of feelings all those maddeningly, obsessive, destructive/deconstructive and existential thoughts. Sometimes I still wish I could've been that confident, cocky, popular and funny boy of my youth, but that's not who I am anymore rather far from it, but I think it's okay things happen and we have to move on. That's the best advice I can offer you based on my experiences. Hope this helps with what your going through. I honestly feel your pain, and hope you know that you have all the support here<3


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Thank you for writing down your story, and for having such good language.. 
I recognize a lot from what you're writing about, and even though I've read a lot at this point, it's like every step of recovery I need something new to keep me sane and keep my hopes up.
I feel a lot better myself these days, and just like you I sometimes look back on my dp journey and wonder if I'll ever see the world like I did back then again. I had some pretty profound insights, but I'm glad to let that go if I can connect to my self and the people I love again.
I seem to have entered a new stage now where I have to convince myself it's ok to recover as it feels so different, and almost like the presence of my body is too much. I have memories pop back into my head on a daily basis now, after feeling completely blank inside for so long. It's like I'm building myself up again piece by piece and it's been hard to try and merge dp-me with the real me. I've become used to this new identity and my new home, and I've had a lot of confusion trying to understand how those two lives came to be and how I can become my old self. I've been scared to have another "shift" in reality and identity.
The last couple of weeks it seems like dp-me lets go more and more though and it feels more natural. It's so much of old me that has come back I'm starting to accept that's who I really am.

Glad to hear you are recovered


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## DP_P (Sep 10, 2012)

Montezuma2Tripoli said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm 21 and have been depersonalized ever since high school when I used to have death anxiety, which worsened after I started smoking pot on and off and doing other drugs during college not realizing that it could bring back and intensify dp with a vengeance(I didn't know I was dp/dr at the time just depressed/anxious)! After a harrowing high school and college career, I think I've fully recovered from my dp as the distance I used to feel from myself and the deep, existential thoughts have receded.
> 
> ...


I just got back as well and I'm having the same experience, too. Reality almost seems hyper-real because I was in dp for a week and I had never experienced dp before, I mainly experienced dr about. Now I am depressed and I know I had been leading up to last week's experience. So, now I'm depressed and here's life and dp/dr is kind of like an excuse to not have to deal with your life and complain. I think that's why there's two major steps in recovery. The first is that you recover and the second is that you learn to forget what dp/dr really felt like, enough that you can go on with your life and trust that this is the way you're going to perceive things now. It's almost like I've been testing it to come back just to make sure, so I can build trust in the future. But, I know things are going to be different now because I've changed my thinking and changed my relationship to it.


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## Montezuma2Tripoli (Jan 15, 2012)

DP_P said:


> I just got back as well and I'm having the same experience, too. Reality almost seems hyper-real because I was in dp for a week and I had never experienced dp before, I mainly experienced dr about. Now I am depressed and I know I had been leading up to last week's experience. So, now I'm depressed and here's life and dp/dr is kind of like an excuse to not have to deal with your life and complain. I think that's why there's two major steps in recovery. The first is that you recover and the second is that you learn to forget what dp/dr really felt like, enough that you can go on with your life and trust that this is the way you're going to perceive things now. It's almost like I've been testing it to come back just to make sure, so I can build trust in the future. But, I know things are going to be different now because I've changed my thinking and changed my relationship to it.


That's true the second part is forgetting what dp/dr felt like. That's such a crucial part. I don't know about you, but for me at least, after I recovered I felt like my ego had completely been rebooted. You know all those experiences you go through during your upbringing, where you've been countlessly measured up to other people and humbled through those experiences, well I feel like those safeguards have completely disappeared. I feel like my ego's young and raw again, and I am fully aware of it. It's kind of shocking actually, the thing's I feel and say sometimes. Feel so juvenile at times. What's even more weird is that I still have the memory of myself when I was more mature and developed as a person before this whole debacle happened, so I feel like as a person I'm backwards looking forwards if you know what I mean.

I wish there was a forum more specific to those of us who have recovered where we can discuss what it's like dealing with life after we've recovered, and not just a forum where we can tell everyone we're cured because after that there's still quite a journey I think, not to discourage any of you guys but this is the reality.


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## BusyBee (Aug 7, 2010)

Great post- its also lovely to read a nice flowing bit of writing









Keep it up and best of luck for future.


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## MissK (Oct 11, 2011)

Nice positive and Inspiring post









It gives me hope.

xx


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## Montezuma2Tripoli (Jan 15, 2012)

Thank you, wish you guys all the best too


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## hopefullbutlost (Jul 25, 2014)

katiej said:


> hey there... ur post is very goos and inspiring... i have been like this for the last 2 years.. sgtarting from severe anxiety.. and constant confusion about the way i felt.... im kinda at a standstill now.. i was doin so great for the last year and then recently things got really rough wen i started bak therepy.panic and fear every morning and just existential hell constanstly... every second wondering why i am here, me and wat is life,.. it makes no sense anymore.. words , ppl, everything.. its like its all boring or meaningless. Its an utterly depressing feeling. and its one no one seems to understand at all.! its a very lonely place to be... its like the very fact that i am awake scares me. can u relate?


I can totally and utterly relate to this and its the first time I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you katiej! Let me know if you want to talk about it. It would help me a lot too.


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