# I'm in a rut or something...



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

So i'm not going to complain about the way I feel again. I'm doing fine overall for the most part. I feel constantly anxious and I am not sleeping properly - but for me anxious is way better than the petrified I was.

But I feel right now like my life lacks real meaning or purpose. I feel bored a lot of the time. I'm in school, and graduating in the spring. I spend 15 hours in class per week. I spend maybe 10 hours outside of this doing school work. This is 25 hours - or half of what I was putting in when I was doing my internship in the summer. I spend a lot of my time bored - and my idle and bored mind creates problems for myself.

I just don't feel fulfilled and I think that is what is leading to some of my problems. I have a very obsessive personality - which outside of my anxities I don't mind. I am obsessed with music, movies, politics to an extent, sports, etc. and I don't get into something halfway - if i'm interested in it I try and know everything about it. I am not PLAYING sports right now, so the extent of my sports interest is watching hockey on television. So you'll notice that a vast majority of my hobbies right now involve sitting around on the computer. I download music and listen to it, I watch movies and television, I am a member of the Liberal party here in Canada so I am on a message board discussing policy, I spend a great deal of time here discussing anxiety and DP.

I am not of the opinion that the internet rots your brain or anything, But I just spend too much damn time in my apartment. I need to find my passion.

Right now I need to focus my efforts on school, but this summer as part of my treatment I am going to set goals for myself to get involved with things that get me out there. Maybe getting more involved with my political party (getting out there to meetings), maybe doing some volunteering, maybe joining the tennis club near my home (used to love tennis years ago), maybe starting a film club or something where I can turn what is a very isolating hobby right now into something that can help garner discussion and conversation.

I promised myself in 2009 that I would get better - I'm happy with the progress as we approach the 1/4 mark, but I have a long way to go. I feel like getting out of this rut is another step I need to take.


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## shanno (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Matt. I just want to say, you help a lot of people on here...myself included. your posts are usually upbeat and positive. So to find you a bit down today made me want to reach out to you! Hang in there my friend! You seem like such a lovely young man , with a very bright future ahead of you. Stay strong. Try n keep positive. Best of luck to you. xx


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

shanno said:


> Hi Matt. I just want to say, you help a lot of people on here...myself included. your posts are usually upbeat and positive. So to find you a bit down today made me want to reach out to you! Hang in there my friend! You seem like such a lovely young man , with a very bright future ahead of you. Stay strong. Try n keep positive. Best of luck to you. xx


Thanks, I really appreciate it. I find something very therapeutic about putting my self-analysis out there. I think it has really helped me, so I continue to do it.

I am a bit down today, but I can't complain - life is manageable right now and that is much better than where I was.


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## ChampionSocks (Mar 10, 2009)

Matt, I know that i don know you, but i must tell you that you have my most sincere and honest support man, I know it is hard, but hang in there!. Dont let yourself get caught up in your thoughts and please dont stay idle. We gotta get through this!


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## scylla (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey Matt,

Sorry to read you're not too good today. Still you have an awesome attitude, and that will eventually heal you, I'm sure.



Matt210 said:


> Thanks, I really appreciate it. I find something very therapeutic about putting my self-analysis out there. I think it has really helped me, so I continue to do it.


It is therapeutic, and not only for you, for everyone that stumbles upon your posts 

I hope you'll be feeling better soon. PM me if you feel like talking, ranting, venting or whatever :wink:


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## Guest (Mar 15, 2009)

Hi Matt,
Look on the positives. You're very motivated and that's a good thing, you have all these great ideas that all sound awesome, you just give yourself such a hard time. :wink:

You're a great guy, who even while feeling bad himself, offers and comforts others. Remember to reassure yourself too and praise yourself for how far you have come and how well you are doing. It's better that you're saying "I'm bored, I want to do things" rather than "I'm totally unmotivated, want to die and see no future" Sometimes its hard for us to see how far we have come ourselves.

When we are severe Dp'd we think if we could only recover we would never complain about anything ever again and all the small stuff will not matter like it did before. But what really happens when we begin to recover is we start complaining about normal things again like being fed up and bored and running out of smokes and coffee-but the fact we can moan about it is a good thing-it's like an awesome thing, like we're moaning about normal life stresses and not about Dp'.d.

Feel better soon. x


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Spirit said:


> Hi Matt,
> Look on the positives. You're very motivated and that's a good thing, you have all these great ideas that all sound awesome, you just give yourself such a hard time. :wink:
> 
> You're a great guy, who even while feeling bad himself, offers and comforts others. Remember to reassure yourself too and praise yourself for how far you have come and how well you are doing. It's better that you're saying "I'm bored, I want to do things" rather than "I'm totally unmotivated, want to die and see no future" Sometimes its hard for us to see how far we have come ourselves.
> ...


You are right, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm still having mental health issues - but a couple months ago I would never even had time to think about any of these things because I was too busy being positive I was going to go insane at any moment.

This made me feel better. I have a lot to look forward to right now as well. Going to be doing a bunch of traveling this summer, i'm graduating soon, I have a job lined up for the summer despite the recession.

I think my meds are still bringing me down. But that's just something i'll have to deal with, with the hope that it will pay off in the end.


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## Guest (Mar 16, 2009)

Matt210 said:


> I'm still having mental health issues - but a couple months ago I would never even had time to think about any of these things because I was too busy being positive I was going to go insane at any moment.
> 
> This made me feel better. I have a lot to look forward to right now as well. Going to be doing a bunch of traveling this summer, i'm graduating soon, I have a job lined up for the summer despite the recession.
> 
> I think my meds are still bringing me down. But that's just something i'll have to deal with, with the hope that it will pay off in the end.


I still have mental health issues too Matt, they aren't cured, I have learned to control them while I am still healing. I still can have bad patches but I haven't been in the psych ward since 2006 and I can see how far I've come. Dp.d was just one part of my diagnosis, the worst most hellish and debilitating part sure but there's much more work to be done yet.

I'm glad you can see just how far you've come and I'm sure all these other positive things that are coming will help you even further.

Do you journal at all Matt? It's just I've noticed and as you point out writing it all out helps you. I found journaling VERY helpful, I still do but don't do it so much these days.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

No I don't, and I have in the past and know it would be a good idea. I think I may start. I really like getting my thoughts out on here so I think it would be helpful for me to put it on paper. Not that I hold much back on here, but it would offer a chance for me to be completely personal and let everything out.

I'm having a great day today - Just got great news regarding a bunch of my midterm marks in University. Looks like I am well on my way to graduation. I also have my trip to California booked which I am really looking forward to. Finally - I won a student leadership award for my program, which comes with a cash prize and will look great on a resume.

Things are looking up. I'm just in a really positive mood right now which is what I need.


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## Guest (Mar 17, 2009)

Wow, really great news, congrats. I hope the good stuff keeps on coming.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Spirit said:


> Wow, really great news, congrats. I hope the good stuff keeps on coming.


*Sigh* - The Rollercoaster ride continues. Felt majorly depressed today. Then a little bit ago I had OCD through the roof that I was going to harm myself. Sickening, disgusting thoughts of what I might do to myself - and of course the real beast of OCD, the thought that I wanted to do it. I couldn't even look at my wrists because I kept picturing myself cutting them.

I took a Benzo. Not the answer for OCD thoughts I know - but holy crap it felt real and awful.

Good Day. Bad Day. The battle continues... fukk.


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## scylla (Nov 5, 2008)

Sorry to hear Matt.

Hold on, check your posting history. Lately you have had a lot more good days than bad ones. 
It's difficult to see it now objectively, but you are better, way better than a while ago, and things will keep improving.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

scylla said:


> Sorry to hear Matt.
> 
> Hold on, check your posting history. Lately you have had a lot more good days than bad ones.
> It's difficult to see it now objectively, but you are better, way better than a while ago, and things will keep improving.


Yep, yesterday I felt the best I had in a long time.

I'm still optimistic - most of the time anyways. I still don't feel like I am getting any relief from my SSRIs yet. Three weeks on the high dose now. But even with them making me feel crappy - you are right. I'm way better than I was for the first couple months.


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## dreamingoflife (Oct 22, 2006)

Well, all of posts I've seen from you are very positive and you always try to help so that alone is something to treat as an accomplishment because living with dp/dr everyday can turn any positive person to be negative. At least you aren't letting this ruin your life and you stayed in school and are working for something. I pretty much gave up on everything when I got this and still have a lot to pull together for myself but I am working on it slowly but surely. Takes time to get your life back 100% after dealing with this. One day you will feel fulfilled in every aspect of your life and this will be only a memory. Everyone has bad days so don't be so hard on yourself we are all human and have sloppy days. It'll get better with time.


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## Guest (Mar 19, 2009)

scylla said:


> Sorry to hear Matt.
> 
> Hold on, check your posting history. Lately you have had a lot more good days than bad ones.
> It's difficult to see it now objectively, but you are better, way better than a while ago, and things will keep improving.


I can't offer much right now....I had a bad day myself, something not so nice happened........but ^^^ that's spot on, you're definitely doing much better. When the OCD thoughts kick in put your mind on something else, something that requires all of your concentration and makes it impossible to let the OCD thoughts run wild.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Spirit said:


> scylla said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry to hear Matt.
> ...


Sorry to hear you had a bad day. Not sure how much help I could be to you but certainly let me know (by PM or whatever) if you want to talk through anything.

As for your advice - you are completely right. I'm tyring to keep distracted. Unfortunately its going to be a busy couple weeks with school and while that is distracting its not exactly distracting in the best possible way.

I'm going through day number 2 of feeling majorly depressed. Not sure where its coming from all of sudden - but so far no scary OCD thoughts along with it.


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## Guest (Mar 19, 2009)

Oh I'll be okay I think, just had a very traumatic experience at the dentist...There was a complication while having a tooth pulled, wasn't pretty, people running about panicking, blood everywhere, the specialist surgeon dentist called in....me-Panic attack :? lol......Just exhausted now and a lil traumatized, but they sorted it eventually, I'll heal okay.

But thanks Matt.  Hope you feel better soon.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Spirit said:


> Oh I'll be okay I think, just had a very traumatic experience at the dentist...There was a complication while having a tooth pulled, wasn't pretty, people running about panicking, blood everywhere, the specialist surgeon dentist called in....me-Panic attack :? lol......Just exhausted now and a lil traumatized, but they sorted it eventually, I'll heal okay.
> 
> But thanks Matt.  Hope you feel better soon.


I think I probably would have fainted - that is horrible!! Hope the healing is quick!


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## scylla (Nov 5, 2008)

[quote name="Matt210"]Spirit wrote:
Oh I'll be okay I think, just had a very traumatic experience at the dentist...There was a complication while having a tooth pulled, wasn't pretty, people running about panicking, blood everywhere, the specialist surgeon dentist called in....me-Panic attack lol......Just exhausted now and a lil traumatized, but they sorted it eventually, I'll heal okay.

But thanks Matt. Hope you feel better soon.



> Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Got loads of analgesics? Feel better Spirit.


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## Guest (Mar 19, 2009)

Sorry Matt, don't wanna steal your thread, thanks guys <3.


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