# The only way out is through.



## Darek (Jul 14, 2005)

My name is Darek Smid and I am from Prague, Czech republic.

In summer of 2005, I visited this forum for the first time and wrote here the story of how I got into the DP/DR state of mind. Now, almost three years later, I am back - to write a story about how I got rid of depersonalisation and derealisation.

I will try to explain the methods and ways, which I developed during the time of DP/DR, for I believe these are the things that helped me - and finally got me - out of the deepest problems. I also believe my story will help to you guys here, because I still remember how reading of the positive stories here helped me that time, when I was desperate to find some good news.

So here are the good news from me. There is a way out. I went through. I?m back in the real life, back with my real myself. And if I could go that way, heh, anyone can, right? Alanis Morrisette sings, that "the only way out is through". And maybe that kinda sums my way up.

My DP/DR state was drug induced and it was a tough one. Maybe some of you remember my pathethic little story posted here in about july 2005, I?ll find the hyperlink and add it later. Long story short, I went to Netherlands (for the first time) and I smoked a joint there (yes, for the first time too). Due to my inexperience in drugs (because I fucking hated drugs since the time I was born I suppose) I smoked some superstrong "skunk" and after the joint - and absolutely fucking terrible toxic psychosis afterwards (when I was experiencing a schizofrenic state of mind with voices and personas in my head and literally thought that I got a gaping hole in my brain) - I fell right down that hole: to the depersonalization and derealization.

It took me almost two years, until I realised some ways that work. And started to get back together, piece by piece. Actually, I was always there. I just couldn?t reach "it", whatever it was. But you know what I?m talking about. The point is, if I was there, you are there too. Some wise fella wrote here once that every post is different, because everyone of us is different, even the DP, even the DR. And what makes the difference? Our egos, our personalities, our characteristics. You can have problems of reaching the ego and the world around you, but does that mean the world is gone? No. Does that mean the ego is gone? No.

The world is still there and so are you. That?s the goal of the way. But actually, the way must go through. Throught the world, through you.

Don?t give up on any of that, because the way out is through.

Oh, and by the way, when I found I already was on the good track, I fell to the DP/DR once more, because I - was an asshole and also - had a shot of absinth with my friends (I was drinking in some pub and absinth is legal here in CR) and BOOM! I got pretty much back where I have started. Yup, absinth is a no no for us, DPed.

But I was pretty sure I knew the way already, so I didn?t give it up. And I was back on the track in just a few days or weeks.

Since then, I got a new job (national newspaper editor), bought a new flat, a car, I even had a few girlfriends since (and guys, I?m an introvert).

All of which isn?t a reward. It was all part of the way.

I will be back in a new post, I will try to publish it tonight or tomorrow, sorry, I can?t write it all in one shot because of my full google calendar. But for a short preview: to let the DP play its course and start a life of pretending helped; to give up living the life for my own pleasure and to start to live it for the people around me helped; to start a bunch of new hobbies and new work and getting a life together it didn?t bring no joy at start helped.

I will elaborate on that next time, please stay tuned.


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## Guest (Feb 29, 2008)

I just need to know; did you suffer panic disorder too ? mine was druginduced with pot too, triggered panic, triggered dpdr triggered pure o triggered psychotics thoughts.

Theres no competition but I feel my DPDR is the worst ever, cause Im at the point where I could kill a innocent child because I dont believe "he/she" exist at all.
Im so low...
I was out of the house 24/7 this last week, didnt sleep at home once. Didn't help shit...

How can I live for others when I dont believe there is "others" out there, that the world exist objectively anymore?


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## ihavemessedupdreams (Apr 19, 2007)

im gonna try and help you out here copefull even tho you fucking bashed me a couple of times

have you tryed not to control it control your thoughts just let them be 
try going a week doing that thought comes up let it come let it go and just keep doing what you are doing at the moment


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## Darek (Jul 14, 2005)

Copeful, I didn?t experience there are "others" either. I just believed and remembered - and memories were important for me. I remembered, that before I got to DP, I knew there is the world around me. And I believed to what I remembered. So, just believe yourself in this, not to your present condition.

As for the panic disorder, the pot didn?t trigger that in me, but panic was the first thing I experienced in the state of the psychosis during the intoxication. It passed after the intoxication, but I personally believe it was the panic that triggered the DP as a sort of self-defense mechanism. I remember this: during the intoxication, my head split in two, there was a kind of second voice or thought in me, saying that this is the real world and so on - I totally panicked, my heart beat went though the roof. Then I experienced incontrolable states of deja vu, over and over again, deja vu after deja vu. I went to bed and tried to make a barier around me with a blanket - but it was just a thought. I made a barrier of a fictional blanket in me, that was a thought that brought me peace for the first time since the intoxication (could?ve been an hour or so), I made a barrier of a blanket around me - and I believe that maybe, this was how I experienced, or developed, a DP state of mind. As a barrier against the panic.

Way out in my opinion, the same what ihavemessedupdreams says. Don?t control your thoughts all the time (I know it just keeps your attention returning to them, but don?t), do what you believe and know is normal to do - because you remember what was normal before. There is nothing destroyed in you, that is my point, your personality, everything is there, didn?t go anywhere - there is just that blanket around it now. But it will gou away, just don?t pay attention to it, it will go.


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## Darek (Jul 14, 2005)

And sorry I didn?t post another post earlier, trying to fix that now.

When I came back to the city, I just felt different after that intoxication. But I thought it will pass in a week or so. Anyway, I went to the drug specialists here and asked them about that. It?s all right, thay said, it?s just a shock, a flashback, it will pass. Well, it didn?t, so I was send to a shrink by them. He was a specialist for the drug users (and there was an incredible irony in that - me, the drug hater, there, on same bench with guys with there armpits full of little holes from needles), but didn?t recognise DP. You?re depressed, he said and gave me Zoloft, the anti-depressant, and rivotril (rispen maybe in US), the anti-convulsant.

I took Zoloft three days and since then, I got a pretty strong tinnitus in both ears (a high piched sound in ears - got it before, but Zoloft made it stronger) (the shrink, his name was Ferus, knew I got a tinnitus, but even that, he gave me Zoloft nevertheless). Of course, that got me even deeper in my problems. Since then, I couldn?t sleep, the sound in my ears was killing me, I got sleep medication pills, went to other docs with my ears and so on. The anticonvulsant caused me another problem - I started to salivate more which, in combination with Zoloft, which cased my jaw to hurt and so on, was another obstacle and couse of pain.

All of that, by the way, still lasts, but there are ways how to cope with it (another story, but I will tell that too then). Unsurprisingly, none of the medication helped.

I had another problems of my mind then as well.

I wasn?t recognising the people I knew and loved. On the other had, everybody I met in the city or saw on a tram, everybody I never knew seemed familiar to me. It like - switched or something. And also, before I slept, when I closed my eyes, there were tsunamis of thoughts flowing in my head, like parts of sentences, thoughts, words, parts of the dialogue out of nowhere.

I really thought that I am totally fucked by then.

But in the same time I realized that people around me don?t see any, or just slight difference in me, in my thinking, in my behaviour. I realised that when I try, nobody can know anything about the condition I am in. And I had two reasons to do that. The first was the job I didn?t want to loose. The second was my family - I didn?t want to hurt them anymore with over and over speaking about my condition. And so, I started to tell them I am better. And I started to find me a lot of stuff to do to talk to them about, even it didn?t bring me joy or anything. I just started to act.

And in time, after months and months of work on this, the act started to resonate in a few emotional strings I thought I?ve lost.

(To be continued.)


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## cyberafrica (Feb 14, 2008)

Hi, i am very grateful for your recovery story, and saying that "the only way is through"
I have been dpd for over 1 year now, after taking 2 drags of pot, and just like you was against drugs. I also got really serious tinnitus, which still has not stopped. We very similar in a lot of ways, as I also have a professional job, and have a large family. In fact I have a twin sister, who just hopes that i am better every day, which puts a lot of pressure on me.

I am trying my best to get through this everyday and to act as though it is only an obstacle, and want to know is it normal to have setbacks in the sense that you fall back into depression some days and feel worse on some as well?

I would appreciate it if I could get your email address so we could chat. Good luck with your recovery.


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## jhrochester (Apr 9, 2008)

hello i'm fourteen and i replied to this post because you all seem to be in the same situation as me. i smoked pot only twice, just with friends, but the second time left me feeling disconnected and foggy. I've spent the last 5 months just trying to cope. I've accepted that there might not be a way out of this, but i need to know what you mean by "getting through" 
anything that can help this nightmare is greatly apreciated

[email protected]


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