# At my end.



## Phanomenal (Jun 1, 2010)

My girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because she couldn't handle me being depressed and my consntsnt feeling of DP. Everything gets ultra bad because everytime we would argue, my DP would get so bad I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, my body was shaking and I would see shit moving around that isn't suppose to be, carpets and walls would come closer to me. I've been suicidal for the past few months and she broke down and couldn't handle it and left me. I'm now alone with no friends because my social life was focused around drugs specifically pot before my stressed induced DP even before pot aggrivated it, so I had to leave those friends and couldn't make new ones due to my lack of ability to be around people.

She was the only thing in my life that was able to give me a sense of reality when we were together, even though she made my DP worse. I'm left even more suicidal and i have no support from family or friends and Ive been battling this for 3 years. I wanna give up so bad because in this dreamstate of mind, I already feel as if I'm in limbo. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if dying is the only release I can get from this life anymore.

I just saw the movie numb and the ending broke my heart because in the ending in real life things don't work that way. People aren't going to understand and save you. you also can't just accept your DP like that and walk away like you're fine. Maybe I'm upset that my gf wasn't a Sarah, because I broke down and told her the same thing and she walked away. I could be upset because my life was horrible filled with abuse and unnurturin caregivers. I don't know what I feel because it hurts but I'm too numb to feel anything.


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## Surfingisfun001 (Sep 25, 2007)

Hey there I'm really sorry to hear that your girlfriend broke up with you. Being in this state of mind makes it so difficult to manage relationships. My girlfriend who was the love of my life also left me because of DP. It killed me but eventually I moved on. The user Tinyfairypeople wrote a really good post recently in regards to someone who was suicidal. I posted it below, for whatever reason I couldn't get it to where you can click on it. I really wish I had these words when I was suicidal. I tried to kill myself about 2 years ago because of this. I am so glad to be alive today though. It really freaks me out that I could and probably should be dead. I can't imagine not being alive right now. I am not 100% recovered but recently found out that I have extremely low cortisol levels and have been taking cortisol as well as suboxone and am feeling astonishing relief. Don't give up because truly you don't know when you will be better, it could be sooner than you think. I know this is one hell of a battle but it is making you such a strong person. Most people will never know what we go through. It sucks now but when we get better we will have an appreciation towards life and reality beyond what most people could ever fathom.

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/21770-suicide/


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

here's what tinyfairypeople wrote.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was in that dark place for the first 3 months of having dp. I stopped eating, stopped bathing, stopped getting out of bed. I thought about suicide constantly and eventually decided that I was going to do it. I wasn't sure when but I was sure it was going to happen. The thing is that the longer dp goes on, the more you get used to it. You gradually become less afraid, less paralyzed, less depressed, less desperate. This happened for me. Back in december I made myself start doing stuff. I signed up for college classes online. I had to go into the school for tests and other stuff and honestly, it was hell BUT I started to recover. I found myself being able to actually talk to people. And they couldn't tell I had dp! It was like I was "normal". That was huge for me.

I wrote a post a couple of months back called "Hope in the midst". Basically there is this book by CS Lewis and in it two demons are talking about how to torture people and drive them to kill themselves. They basically say to give a man a trail and make it last for longer than the man can endure the trail. It doesn't have to be much longer. The fun is to make a man yield (kill himself) just when, had he known otherwise, relief was around the corner. The basic concept is to not give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens. The man in this story could have had dp and could have killed himself when, if he had stayed alive to find out, he would have woken up the next day and dp would have been gone.

I cannot tell you how badly I wish I had those words in the depths of my depression and dark days with dp. Because I did almost end it and looking back, it wouldn't have been worth it. I have recovered so much over the past 4 months. At the beginning I was in a living hell in my mind. I didn't recognize my house, my family, my stuff. I didn't know who I was, where I was at, what universe I was in. I truly thought I had died and was in some kind of hell or had been transported to another reality all together. All of my sense were extremely dulled. My vision was flat and 2-d, I couldn't taste things, couldn't feel physical pain, couldn't even feel any attachment to my body at all. It felt like I was stuck inside of a robot. I lost all memory of my life before and had no feelings expect terror. All of that has changed over the past 4 months. I have all of my memories back. I can taste and enjoy food. I feel all emotions. I can laugh and cry and feel love and excitement. I get periods of 3-d vision back. I can look at something and be able to tell that it is real.

It is incredibly hard in the beginning but it does get easier. I know it doesn't seem like it now but it does. Give yourself some time. Every day that you wake up breathing and alive is a day you were meant to live. I know that right now that it seems like death would be prefferable but it DOES get easier and something I realized is that we have forever to be dead but we only get one shot at life. Generally 80 years. You are barely reaching adulthood. You are what? 14? Don't deny yourself the chance to experience the other 66 years of life you have ahead of you. You can and will recover from this. It may take some time but this isn't a death sentence.

Go and read Phasedout_24 's sticky post called "90% better after 4 years". If you read what she wrote and take it to heart then you will recover and it won't take you the 4 years it took her because she had to figure it out all on her own but you have it all spelled out for you and at your fingertips. :hugs:


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## hanniballexster (Jun 13, 2010)

Hi, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how old you are (I'm guessing in your teens or early twenties from this post), but from experience (not my personal experience, I never dated as a teen because I wasn't allowed to and as an adult I have no interest in having a significant other)- but I do understand losing someone close to you.

However, if she couldn't handle your DP, well, it doesn't sound like she was really supportive. Everyone has their cross to bear in life, and if she turns her back on you when you need support, what does that say about her? I'll answer the rest of this in reference to things you said.



> She was the only thing in my life that was able to give me a sense of reality when we were together, even though she made my DP worse.


I'm not trying to nit pick, but if she made your sense of DP worse, how was she the only thing in your life that gave you a sense of reality? I know DP isn't the same as DR (Derealization, or as I call mine, "unreality") but I do get episodes of DP and they feel pretty unreal, in general. Do you mean she was the one constant in your life for 7 months?

You do realize 7 months isn't that long right? I know it hurts to lose a loved one, but it can take 7 months (or longer) just to learn the utter BASICS about someone else... maybe it didn't last because for the first few months you didn't know each other, and by the 7 month mark you weren't compatible (not everyone is compatible personality-wise, and from the sounds of it if she had stayed she would've continued to make your DP worse and argue with you- who needs that?)

You refer to your DP as a "dreamstate of mind" which sounds pretty unreal to me, so how can she give you a sense of reality if she's making your DP worse?

If she made your DP worse, on the plus side, maybe it will improve when she is gone?



> My girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because she couldn't handle me being depressed and my consntsnt feeling of DP. Everything gets ultra bad because everytime we would argue, my DP would get so bad I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, my body was shaking and I would see shit moving around that isn't suppose to be, carpets and walls would come closer to me.


Being around someone who is chronically depressed is really tough to watch, go through. Maybe she was also becoming depressed at being unnable to help. You've heard the old adage about not jumping in water without a life jacket to save a drowning person if you might drown yourself, right? That just leads to two deaths instead of one.

If you don't mind me asking, what were you arguing about? From the way you phrased it, (I could be off my mark) it sounds like you argued more than most couples- was it just about your depression and DP, or other factors?



> People aren't going to understand and save you.


The average person can't really understand depression as a medical illness, let alone DP/DR. Some psychiatrists have trouble understanding DP/DR (I know MINE does)... but people CAN understand you. Not everyone, but its not impossible. However, no one can "save" you from DP/DR or depression- they can root for you, offer support, suggest possible treatments, let you vent, but nobody can ever save another person in that way.

Did you expect her to save you? If you did, she may have been highly frustrated. I realize you are frustrated too and just want this gone, but the expectation that someone else can save you from DP/DR and depression is not a reasonable expectation.

As for suicide, I am reminded of a line from one of my favourite movies (I am David). David, a young boy of about 11 in a concentration camp in Bulgaria in 1952 says to his friend Johannes:

David: "I wish I was dead!"
Johannes: "Don't say that! Don't even think it!"
David: "Why not?! There's nothing good here. What's the point in even staying alive?"
Johannes: "Because if you're alive you change things. If you're dead, you can't. Do whatever you can to stay alive. No matter what."



> Maybe I'm upset that my gf wasn't a Sarah, because I broke down and told her the same thing and she walked away.


Sarah is a fictional character, for one. Also, Hudson Milbank says quite a lot to Sarah- what did you say? Also, you said you said "the same thing"- did your gf watch Numb with you? If you watched the movie with her and recited what Hudson says to Sarah she may have thought you were being insincere. I know I quoted some lines from a movie above, but I am not trying to make you stay with me or further a relationship, I just like the quote/sentiment, especially in light of your suicidal ideation.



> I could be upset because my life was horrible filled with abuse and unnurturin caregivers.


Abuse sucks, to put it mildly. Do you have a counsellor? Anyone to talk to about it? Abuse is not uncommon- it ranges from "mild" to "life threatening" and a significant minority of the population were abused as children. You might want to consider joining a support group for adult survivors of child abuse... as a bonus, some of them may also have DP.

Take care of yourself.


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## hanniballexster (Jun 13, 2010)

> I wrote a post a couple of months back called "Hope in the midst". Basically there is this book by CS Lewis and in it two demons are talking about how to torture people and drive them to kill themselves. They basically say to give a man a trail and make it last for longer than the man can endure the trail. It doesn't have to be much longer. The fun is to make a man yield (kill himself) just when, had he known otherwise, relief was around the corner. The basic concept is to not give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens. The man in this story could have had dp and could have killed himself when, if he had stayed alive to find out, he would have woken up the next day and dp would have been gone.


This, in a round-a-bout way, reminds me of the movie "The Mist" (the ending of "the mist"). The value of never giving up, ever, because you never know for sure when and if relief is coming.

The human brain, however, isn't fully formed until the late twenties/early thirties, and that may explain why young adults and adolescents have trouble grasping ideas and concepts that "inherently" seem to make sense by our mid thirties (I'm 28).


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## Phanomenal (Jun 1, 2010)

I didn't have anyone go to as a child, I brought up thinking the Physical and verbal abuse was normal in a family and I wasn't suppose to complain about what was wrong or I'd get hit. I wasn't in school often to gain a relationship with anyone because I was thrown from NY and CA cause no one in my family wanted to deal with me. I was forced to leave my grandparent's because I was just depressed of the situation I had and nothing to gain from staying there. They didn't want my gf around and she was a reason why I was kicked out. I wanted her around because she helped the DP, even though she made it worse. It was like a bad drug, she made me feel good for a few weeks until the drop and something bad would happen and I would end up in pain. I met her a year before we actually got together and she helped me before we even got together. She was the only one giving me reality because I had no one else to go to, and she was the only one I could go to about anything. I don't remember any of our arguments, I have a hard time remembering anything anymore. All I remember is the end. I understand Sarah is a fictional character, Im just offended by the fact the movie didn't address what actually happens, DP isn't something you can ignore and move on.

My mother was 16 when she had me and she was kicked out of the family, my father left her when he found out she was pregnant. She would leave me with other people as a child and I would get beat as a toddler (as I'm told). My grandparents took me in and gave me a place to stay but my grandmother would physically beat me
all the time and my grandfather would verbally abuse me. My uncle would attack me for everything I've done wrong eating slowly or throwing the remote control on the bed. I used to have a knife at my throat for eating slowly and it would make me eat faster. My only connection that I had to my family was my youngest uncle who past away 3 years ago from a sickness. He slipped into a coma and I wasnt able to tell him how I actually felt and I wanted to thank him for accepting me for at least not being rough with me the last 2 years he was alive. My family changed and stopped the abuse besides my grandfather. 
To say the least, I wasn't an accepted child and I had the bad drawing of the straws. I've just haven't had much luck in life. I've dropped out on school to work, and I'm trying to go to college but I can't concentrate anymore and my grades are horrible.

I just wanted to add, 7 months isn't a long time but a sense of reality everytime I was with her meant the world to me. All that pain I had with her,even though she made it worse was worth it because the numbness went away and I was happy and I could feel happy.


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