# My gift to you, my brothers in pain



## afm (Mar 12, 2010)

Ok first of all, this goes for the people who tryed everything like me, and feel everything is lost. Dont want to change your opinion about anything, specially if you are new here.Every person is different, you have to recover, doesnt matter how. I just was in the final stage, only wanted to just die. Had no hope, seriously. This goes for the people who are like I was.

I have a dream. And it´s that nobody suffers this shit again. I have been strugling with this for 10 years, and finally I found the exit. And I know I will never face a bigger or harder problem in my whole life, no one will. My only objective was to die in peace, and my strength was given by a person who loved me without asking me for anything. I want to share with you what I thought, what I experienced, what I realised, what I achieved. This may be more important for me than for all of you, cause you may read it like another post on how to recover, but for me it´s my life and it´s my gift to you, cause I feel all of you are my brothers in pain.

I suffered from DP caused by a long period of anxiety in my childhood, due to my home situation, and specially because of a trauma I suffered when I was 16, now I´m 25. That´s what I would tell to a normal person, but to you, you know everyting counts to build that big mountain, that one day leads you to take off. We may think it is a moment, but thats not true, that moment only unleashed all that we had inside. And thats very important, cause completely changes the approach. Some people may think, okey, I was a normal a person had no problems, and one day DP started from nowhere. I tell you one thing. Or you start to be honest with yourself, start to really know yourself, or broda, you will stay like this forever. When I read this forum, specially the road to recover section, I feel something is so wrong with people. They talk about diets, yoga, exercise, chilling with people... I mean thats good for your anxiety, but we are not people with a focused anxiety, like any other person, with anxiety caused by work, or external factors. We have a source producing anxiety all the time, it cames from inside not from outside, and for a person like us, all the things you say its nothing more than scaping, and denying our real problem. If you live in a house and it is on fire, you have to extinct that fire, dont expect to leave and when you go back, the fire is self extincted. If I do yoga or exercise or those things, I can scape for one moment, and okay, it gives me the chance to choose for a different life. And here is the important thing. We choose to recover, cause believe it or not, we choose to stay like this every day. But we dont realise we are choosing that. Its like if a boy comes to me and tell me, sign here for the red cross, and Im signing to give him my house, without knowing it. Same happens everyday with us. So this will not leave alone, well it will, but only when you want it to leave, and we dont realise we dont want. I know its difficult to understand, but no problem.

So I resume, dont confuse anxiety caused by external factors, with anxiety that comes from inside. Completely different approach. Another thing I want to tell people... I want you to know that this is the biggest proof a person can go through. Its one time in life, its all or nothing. At the begininning of 2011, I was over. I took all the fucking meds you can take for this. Went to psichologist and psichiatrist and realised that it was a fucking crap, cause they treated me like a fucking chemistry game or a mind game, not like a person. And Im a person. Dont let them cheat you, we control the mind, mind doesnt control us. Meds are placebos, you recover cause you believe. But what you need its to believe not the med, you can believe in many ways. I didnt believe, I was all the time thinking I was going to suddenly wath reality. What a fool I was... hahaha and what a lie meds are. Meds are like any other things, concrete solutions, for a general problem. No way that can work. Cause we are free, and we always forget. We always can choose, and doesnt matter how much they drug you, if you feel you have something inside, that will never go till you face it. And if anybody defends this med shit, I tell you, they are cheating you, and this is the most important thing for me I fought to be here today against all that shit cause if it was for them, I would still be weighting 125 kilos (cause I gained 40 kilos thanks to my friends the meds) and the whole day in my bedroom without being able to go out home, or even to go out of the shower, taking those fucking pils, waiting for a miracle. Thats what they sell you, a miracle. Yes, with a scientific speech. But it doesnt change a shit. Cheaters. Yes they think they know, of course, cause they didnt never face their own problems and studied a carreer for many years, so they think they know so much. The day they face their own problems, they realise they are fucking cheaters, and that they have been treating people like games. Ok my hate is evident. I have no problem, but I hate how they keep cheating you, cause you are desperate, and that hurts me. Cause all the people who suffer from this, are heros for me. No kidding, all of you are heros, and Im so proud of all of you... Those liers dont deserve a shit from you, you dont realise that they watch less reality than us... and they try to guide us. We dont need them, we only need ourselves, the only thing we lack. Thats why Im here, to tell you how I came back to myself.

The point I tried to reach before, but I extended myself with other things. Recovering its a very difficult path. You will feel no reward for a long long time, and It will take you a big pain. But brother, you know why? Cause you are starting to feel again... In all these years struggling with Dp, I was crazy everyday, my life was a fucking obsession. I was the whole day trying to fix it. Always changing my mind, doing things, making plans to recover, doin exercise and shit trying to scape. Ma brothers you cant scape... you know it. Oh I forget, of course, 24 hours acting with other people. Its crazy. Well the rest of the people do the same. I tell you one thing, those people who we look normal, are 99 per cent potential DPs. I tell you cause you shouldnt envy the others, most have the monster, but still sleeping. Well thats their problem, now lets go to our point. I was so crazy, so far from everything... I had two main phases, rest and fight. I rest for some hours, till I found a new way to fight, mentally or other plan, any. I mainly fought mentally, repeating thoughts in my mind to change me, like reeducating me. Now I remember and realise how much damage I was doing to myself. I did the crazyest thing, specially in my mind, thought the craziest things, cause you are fucking desperate, you would do anything. Last year happened to me something curious. One day I was so tired... and so angry, that I didnt want to fight anymore.I felt so bad for me it was like the end, like everything was lost. But my mind was so tired, I didnt want to think any new crazy plan, I just wanted to rest and fuck everything. I continued the next day, I felt so bad in the morning, in my mind there were only bad words for everything. I let myself free. That night I said, shit, so many plans I have made, and never let myself free. But it was hella scary, I thought I was going to go crazy or something, lose control. But that night I chilled with friends and was dope!! I couldnt believe it. But friends, it wasnt still my time. I used those new fresh forces I aquired, to make new plans to recover. And back again I came to same shit as always. It was one day, didnt wathced reality, but felt free again. I came back to the same cycle again. But in february I met a person, an angel, who treated me so well... I fell in love, and promised myself I would recover to give that person everything. I followed with my standar method, but I realised that was impossible. I have done that for 9 years, proved every answer, everything. That was a no exit path. So I remebered what happened to me some months ago, and everything started to make sense in my mind. I just decided to be me, I mean, whatever comes to my mind, is ok. Dont fight anymore. It was so difficult... you start to realise how bad you really feel, wich are your real problems. I really went through so much fear, its like a drug. We are addicted to this. Many times I felt I wasnt advancing, many times I felt so much panic. It was crazy. We dont recover, you know why? cause recovering is even tuff than DP. But the key thing, is that it decreases, not like DP, wich always stay the same. Thats why is a fucking labirynth. With time you start to feel some advances, you start to realise you are you again. But its nothing compared with the effort that causes you stay like that, specially the first months. Its a long path, I have been in my path for 7 months... and I still now Im starting to watch reality. But I dont need now, cause I have myself again, its just a matter of time. Many times this months I struggled. Sometimes I thought of some smalls plan, but made me go back. Its very difficult, cause it has to come, and you dont see any improve, you only feel like you are doing nothing, and letin the illnes eat you alive. But thats what it has to happen, curiously. That thing we identify as the crazyness we avoid, is the comeback. Thats why we keep in the cycle, cause we fight against recover.

So you have to know there is no miracle, its a long way, and all the answers are inside of you. You just have to set yourself free, whatever happens. When people say dont pay atenttion to the symptoms, they mean that dont change your mindset for that. Its like any other thing. Its like ok the world is falling on me... well no problem I sit, its ok, this has to happen. No problem. And I know you will get so angry, cause its difficult as fuck and you see nobody understand the fucking hell marathon you have to pass every day. But fuck the rest, think of you. Its your life, fight for you. You can do it half. Its all or nothing. Or you take care of yourself, or nobody will. Dont pay attention to anybody, dont let anybody tell you what to do, you know yourself and your problem better than any person. Just be yourself. You will feel like you are over, that everything is lost. You will feel worst than ever, but there is something you dont realise, that you are free again. You will have to dedicate so much time to you, cause you have big wounds. But life its like that. You will feel you are going crezy, that you are losing control of everything. You will have a lot of panic many times. You want to know what happens? Dp is a fucking smoke grenade, that your brain throws all the time so you dont see the mountain of shit you have behind. You think the shit is the smoke, and you hope the smoke will disappear and a beautiful paradise will appear in front of you. But behind of the smoke there is the everest of shit,that your brain is hiding to you. And when we see through the smoke and see that shit, we think, oh no, im mistaken, this cant be the path. Yes bro, its the path. Go to your house and clean it, dont think you will come back and find a clean house by miracle. Im talking to myself the first cause I did that for years.

The most important, and the most fucking difficult thing in the world. You have to let it be, dont blame you, dont think you are doing wrong. You will fight with yourself so much for that, cause you will say its ok I let it, and then a panic will rise in your head WHAT ARE U DOOING!!
DO SOMETHING!! somehow there is the dissociation, you find in yourself a feeling that you dont understand, its not in your book, and you fight against it.I realised that if I wasnt so scared, and so obssesed, if I thought ok nothing happens is something normal, when it started, shit, I know It wouldn have lasted a month... And It destroyed half of my life, but somehow, i chose it... I know is tuff to say that, cause nobody teach us how to manage this things... but its true.

Now I´m wondering if I really explained myself, if you catched the message, or just felt like it was another "dont pay attention to it" post. I want to tell you this changes your life, you will never be the same person. You cant go over this if you dont face your fears, this is not something apart, something weird with no explanation. This is you and your problems, nothing else. I thought nooo I have no problem its just this, without this im perfectly. I tell you again. Your brain throws this smoke grenade so you dont see the mountain of shit behind.Ppl if you are not totally sincere with yourself, if you dont accept yourself the way you are 100 per cent, forget about going over this. And another thing, there is no anxiety without explanation. Other thing is that we dont want to admit to ourselves some kind of things. Look at how scary are some things for us, how much fear we have, that we prefer to live with anxiety that to admit them to ourselves and change it.

And finally, I want to explain to real problem. The cause of everything. Happyness of the human comes from being yourself, and loving yourself the way you are. We live in a world where we are forced to be what we are not. People love us when we are how they want, not how we are. And we need love. So we change ourselves, not everything, but many things, more and more each day. That creates some much pain and anxiety inside of us, to act like what we are not, to have to be what we are supposed to be, to not be free. We think is normal, then we see everybody suffering anxiety problems, and worst, people stealing, killing... and shit. Nobody is bad, but when nobody loves us the way we are, if people steal us the only thing we have, being ourselves, things start to happen. Cause in the end they make us hate ourselves, and a hell like this is created inside of us. This happens to everybody, why? cause its a chain. People treat them bad, and they treat bad to others. Its like save yourself, but we didnt save ourselves in time, and got stucked in the boat. But we have a chance to see the truth, that this game doesnt work. You cant get out of this and go back to that game, cause you will fall in the same. We are somehow vulnerable, we cant play like them. But at the same time we have the vision, and a chance to change.

You know It took me like two hours to write all of this. I dont know if I gave you what I wanted to give you, I dont know If this will help you. But I wonder Is It possible to know? was a dream for me to recover, and every day I thought of you my brothers, dont know you, but feel you every day. My brothers in pain. Hope this was useful for you I LOVE YOU ALL, WITH TEARS IN MY EYES, you are my heros, I know how you fight for your life every day. You are my heros, never forget. This is my gift for you, hope its helpful to you.

Antonio


----------



## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

And your experience is your experience. Not everyone heals the same way. For some people meds save lives. There *dr's* who treat people like people, whole people.. I'm sorry you came accross bad ones. That's great if you feel recovered. Usually there's a lot of intense therapy work to heal trauma, be prepared for your recovery to not be a one way street. Please don't discourage other people from trying dif treatments and approaches, one that doesn't work for one person could be key to another gaining quality of life


----------



## Deleted Account (Jul 26, 2010)

Thank you for this post. I know there are some fears I need to face, I'm slowly getting there. I've had dp for 8 years and I too have tried different methods. To me it feels like the stages of grief and people will experience it at different times and resolve it when they work out all the stages. Much love to you too!


----------



## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

Thanks for the post Antonio.

I personally refuse to take meds because as you say, they aren't going to make you better, the answers to our problems are all inside our head somewhere, we just have to find them.

Like you, I got dp through bad anxiety, I hope one day that I can beat both anxiety and dp permanently too.

Again, many thanks!


----------



## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

afm said:


> Its a long path, I have been in my path for 7 months... and I still now Im starting to watch reality. But I dont need now, cause I have myself again, its just a matter of time. Many times this months I struggled. Sometimes I thought of some smalls plan, but made me go back. Its very difficult, cause it has to come, and you dont see any improve, you only feel like you are doing nothing, and letin the illnes eat you alive. But thats what it has to happen, curiously. That thing we identify as the crazyness we avoid, is the comeback. Thats why we keep in the cycle, cause we fight against recover.


Nice story. Im confused though, did you recover from DP or are you just more confident?


----------



## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

recovery stories are always pretty balls. I'm waiting for one that is like. I'm back motherfuckers!! WHHHAAAT!!

They are normally just sort of vague confusion.


----------



## afm (Mar 12, 2010)

Okey Im going to change the topic, you are correct. I dont want quit people for trying things, anything is good if you recover from this hell. This goes for the people who tryed everything, they know what Im talking about, when they read what I say they feel me.

I just want to know if what I said helped you, If you feel that you found an answer. I dont want to receive any props... I remember when I was so bad, and entered in this forum, and felt that nobody had that answer I was looking for. I wanted to change that, for all of you who feel the same. Meds can help, yoga can help, but if you dont help, nothing will. Thats the point. Therapys maybe be good, many things can help you. But all of you know that whatever you do, there is always something wrong, and you go back again, and you get each time more stucked. I dont know maybe my problem was too heavy, and some people still have a chance, and can recover easier. For me it was all or nothing. If you just need to relax, and recover with meds, god bless you. But for those who DP became your only life like me, your only world, its all or nothing, you have to start from zero, from you. So please dont misunderstand me, I just wish you all be happy again, no matter how. Dont care about what you do, just be happy again please. I love you all. Whoever wants talk to me plz, I know what its to feel so lost, like there is no light and every day is the same shit, that there is no answer. Feel free to send my a message plz, we are in this toghether. Peace brothers.


----------



## afm (Mar 12, 2010)

PhoenixDown you know, Im writing this for people who was like me, so I want to go into the problem. But if you ask, man IM FUCKING BACK, YOU ALL MUST BE AFRAID CAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHATS COMING ON YOU! hahahaha seriously. When you come back... every moment is a fucking ecstasy. Now everything is so easy for me, and everything comes clear to my mind. Its crazy, seriously. All of you come back, cause only heaven is waiting for you. You become like a fucking zen master, seriously, cause ppl, what we are going through, when you are in, maybe you dont realise how hard it is. We are heros, I promise you. When you come back you find happyness, cause everything is so beautiful... sometimes I cry with tiny things, cause now I feel them, I know what it is to wish I could feel them again, and now I do. Im so happy... You understand how I feel, how can I enjoy completely if I know that you my brothers are still in hell... I wish you could come and see this... Thats why I put my heart here, relived my pain, hoping I can help you somehow. Love you all, I know you will do it. Heaven waits for you, but on earth, I promise. Peace.


----------



## rightwrong99 (Apr 17, 2011)

afm said:


> PhoenixDown you know, Im writing this for people who was like me, so I want to go into the problem. But if you ask, man IM FUCKING BACK, YOU ALL MUST BE AFRAID CAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHATS COMING ON YOU! hahahaha seriously. When you come back... every moment is a fucking ecstasy. Now everything is so easy for me, and everything comes clear to my mind. Its crazy, seriously.


Now this is good shit.


----------



## brianjones (Sep 14, 2011)

I thought about coming back to myself. But that guy is a total loser--still owes money to his ex-girlfriend and shit. I'm just gonna rock the void lifestyle for a bit longer. Until his girlfriend goes away

Antonio I appreciated your post. Lately I've been rocking the depressions, but that made me happier. Respect to you my brother


----------



## Fluke93 (Nov 2, 2010)

PhoenixDown said:


> recovery stories are always pretty balls. I'm waiting for one that is like. I'm back motherfuckers!! WHHHAAAT!!
> 
> They are normally just sort of vague confusion.


Haha exactly that ^. Its always like I'm fully recovered, "well most of the time i still feel slightly off"


----------



## foghat (Jan 1, 2011)

kate_edwin said:


> And your experience is your experience. Not everyone heals the same way. For some people meds save lives. There *dr's* who treat people like people, whole people.. I'm sorry you came accross bad ones. That's great if you feel recovered. Usually there's a lot of intense therapy work to heal trauma, be prepared for your recovery to not be a one way street. Please don't discourage other people from trying dif treatments and approaches, one that doesn't work for one person could be key to another gaining quality of life


Why are you trying to downplay his positive experience. He put alot of time into writing that in hopes of benefiting others AND...He already says in the last paragraph "I don't know if this will help you."

Kate, you seem to have narrowed your options to thinking only intense therapy and meds will heal you, so you hate to hear that others are healed by other means. You are the one on the one way street.


----------



## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

foghat said:


> Why are you trying to downplay his positive experience. He put alot of time into writing that in hopes of benefiting others AND...He already says in the last paragraph "I don't know if this will help you."
> 
> Kate, you seem to have narrowed your options to thinking only intense therapy and meds will heal you, so you hate to hear that others are healed by other means. You are the one on the one way street.


Very well said, the people with the kind of attitude Kate has are the ones who will have this for years.

I have noticed in myself that recovery will happen as soon as you stop the worrying, its as simple as that for a large percentage of people.


----------



## Chelsea (Aug 10, 2011)

Read everything you wrote and I'll try to follow your advices, thanks for what you wrote


----------



## missjess (Jun 1, 2012)

good insight...it has taken me 2 years to realize it was all about inner work and as I started doing that I became calm, balanced and anxiety free

In the mean time though it is necessary to take meds to ease this panic until you figure out the root cause and do your inner work when you become less anxious then by all means get off your meds thats what I did

I still have depersonalization though I think until I find true passion and happiness and am being more authentic that won't change so yeah now it's time to break down fear and gain confidence so I can be free to do what I want


----------

