# I'm 14. New to the forum. Would like to talk about a few things(including brain tumors).



## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

This might get lengthy so I'm just going to start at the beginning.
2 years ago, when I was 13 I was largely influenced by Bob Marley and the like. Stupidly, I thought of maybe trying weed just to see how it's like. I wasn't under the pressure of peers or anything. It just seemed interesting.
I didn't go head on stubbornly though. I researched marijuana and it's effects to see if it was really as harmless as they say. I found out that it wasn't so bad physically. I thought that was enough because I really didn't think something like this could affect you mentally long term.
Boy was I wrong.
After a few times smoking and nothing happening(except the one time where I was just kinda dizzy) I got really strong weed from a friend of mine. I decided to go on with one of my best friends to try it. We packed chips and the like for the munchies and water for the cotton mouth. 
We got to a point in the forest where we could sit down and enjoy ourselves. I've already made a joint out of around ~1.5 grams of weed. Maybe more. There were two joints but one was in my drawer back at home.
I wasn't thinking right so I took in as much of the smoke as I could. I managed to smoke 3/4 of the joint in one big puff. 
First I started laughing manically, but then I suddenly felt as all emotion left me. It was terrifying. I tried to make sense of it but I was too scared. As I began to be more and more anxious I got my first panic attack. I could only lay on the ground while my friend started walking around me as he thought that I was joking or possibly just really high. He really annoyed me too, because all I wanted to do was to be left alone as he was only making it worse. 
He said to give him the joint but I didn't wanted to, being afraid it might do to him what it did to him. And I didn't want to have that on my conscience.
He kept saying that I should go home because I might feel better, but I didn't want to because I was afraid my parents might find out and get worried.
After some time though, seeing as this wouldn't pass away, I surrendered and we went along the train tracks to get back home. 
This is when it got worse. I started seeing things and I didn't know what was real and what was not. Like one moment I saw a cat laying on the ground by some mattress and when I looked back at it, it wasn't there anymore. From that point forward I started asking my friend what was real and what was not thinking I might hurt myself somehow because I was obviously hallucinating, if only slightly. 
We sat down a bit later and he started throwing rocks beside me out of boredom. It felt like the rock was coming right at me and it took me like 10 solid seconds to move out of the way. At this point I knew that I'm in some serious danger as my reflexes were null, adding to it the fact that I was hallucinating and wasn't able to perceive what was real and what was not.
As my friend noticed all of this and was thinking I was just really high and nothing would come off it permanently he started taking advantage of the fact of not being able to distinguish what's real from what's not and jokingly started talking about how I was in a coma, and this was a simulation done with futuristic technology just so he could tell me how is everyone and to just talk to me. 
I wasn't thinking straight and as he's highly intelligent and knows how to tell a story I believed him. For that I still suffer from the delusion that I'm indeed in a coma, even after logically understanding that I'm not, my subconscious still looks for ''clues'' and ''signs'' that it might be true.

Fast forward three months:
After trying everything and exploring all possibilities I finally found out from Yahoo Answers what might be wrong with it. Depersonalization fit my symptoms perfectly, except for one tiny little symptom; not feeling emotion.
I knew I had no other options so I went to the doctor thinking he might get me on some meds to treat or even cure this. But I was too nervous and I tried to tell him everything that happened during the past few months in a couple of minutes. As I was just babbling about different disorders I thought I had before finding out it was depersonalization he wrote me off as a hypochondriac, even without telling me so, and told me that it will get better in a few months. I knew that he thought I was just imagining this but I didn't care, as long as it gave me enough hope not to kill myself.

Fast forward 8 months:
My dad dies. Shock, but ultimately no effect on me as I feel no emotion. I had to fake out being sad most of the time, as I was faking I was happy before this, it wasn't much of a problem. Went to the psychologist for some evaluation for my kidney problem(I'm born with the abnormality of one kidney being smaller than the other) which doesn't make sense as it is a physical problem, but I'm like hey, whatever. I'm pointing this out because at this point I was faking good enough to fool even the psychologist. I took a peek at her notes while she was talking to another patient of hers and she hasn't wrote anything significant down, especially about my mental health. It was more personality oriented and it had nothing on it that I didn't already know about myself. At this point I came to the conclusion that I have, in fact, been living a lie. I've ingrown onto the faking so much that I started acting like this even when I was alone. This worries me because it makes recovery have even a smaller chance than before.

Fast forward to present:
After all of this and a year and a half of almost total acceptance of the fact that I might never recover, I finally go to a neurologist to find out why do I have such terrible memory problems. I read that other people with depersonalization had it too, but it was worsening and that fact alone worried me. 
I went to have an EEG and they find out some abnormalities. They think that I might have epilepsy but are sending me to get a CT for a reason unexplained. I'm getting it tomorrow. 
After searching around a bit I found that seizures may present themselves as muscle jerks, constant deja vus, memory losses etc. 
All of those were the things I have problems with constantly, but they don't seem serious. Or at least, *too*serious.
I also found out that epilepsy might present itself as a feeling of ''unreality'' as it were, but I've not considered this as my depersonalization started with substance abuse, and did not come on it's own.

Now after a bit of thinking I've come to the conclusion that it might be a brain tumor which oddly, once again, fits all of my symptoms. 
I don't know what it is or should I be scared or not, but I am.
I am very much scared it might be a brain tumor.
If it is, then I might have to have brain surgery, and that scares me because brain damage may lead to alternating my personality, and with that I as I am right now will not exist anymore.
It would be even worse if you account to it the probability of death.

I wrote this to see what you think and what you think I should do, as I also search for a community that understands what I'm going trough, without being afraid of social rejection.


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

Oh, right, also should point out that I smoked one more time after it and just got really, really depressed and didn't know what was going on frankly.
I got back to my ''normal'' self after a while though.
Also I found out one of my friends had it also. One of the friends I smoked before I got depersonalization. He was my best friend. 
He said it ruined his life, but he was much happier than I, and he was clearly not faking it (A liar knows a liar).
He was unchanged, and while others could see that I was depressed for a while before starting to fake it, it was even more interesting to me. Especially since I, someone outside his frame of mind, couldn't see there was anything wrong with him.
I talked to him after I found out and it turned out that he was feeling exactly as I was, including the creeping feeling in my back when I get even slightly nervous.
He said that he got it a few weeks after smoking, which interested me even more. But I think he's lying, as I remember him crawling into the fetal position and mumbling while in dementia after smoking. He might have gone trough exactly what I've gone trough, even worse maybe because he was dizzy all of the time as we were walking home and he threw up on my couch.
He's an avid smoker, so it might be something with cigarettes that's helping him. Maybe he's even recovered, but I'm too afraid to ask.

One more thing. I considered schizophrenia as it was possible also. Any opinions on this in particular?


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## Victor Ouriques (Jul 15, 2011)

I Haven't read it all but i'll do after.

Guy,a simple weed won't damage your brain,trust me.

I Got DR/DP from weed also.

Think about Ozzy Osbourne,Keith Richards,these motherfuckers smoked weed,used cocaine,LSD,Ecstasy,Alcohol and Heroine more then 20 years of their lifes and are great.

Your problem is emotional boy.

Weed doesn't cause tumors.

Doesn't believe me?Go on,do exams,and you'll see there's nothing wrong with you.

Recommend you stop reading shits.

When we got emotional problems we think we got anything that has a similar sympton.

Really want help?

Tell to your family what happened.

Maybe you're punishing yourself for smokin weed that day aren't ya?

Stop doing this.

You smoked and there's nothing you can do now about that.You fucking did it.And?

Well let's take life on boy! Don't give up.

You'll get out of it.

I Got DR/DP from weed also and I'm out.In fact i got Panic Syndrome,which includes DR/DP and is caused by anxiety(DR/DP in MAINLY CAUSED by IT)

But still taking meds,Lexapro 10mg and Clonazepam 0,5mg.


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

Well excuse me, but shouldn't you first read my whole post without thinking of an argument?
I wasn't implying that I got a tumor or any sort of brain damage from weed. I just wanted an opinion of another person on the matter of the possibility of me having a tumor and/or epilepsy.
Read before you write. 
Honestly.


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## Victor Ouriques (Jul 15, 2011)

CoolCroatian said:


> Well excuse me, but shouldn't you first read my whole post without thinking of an argument?
> I wasn't implying that I got a tumor or any sort of brain damage from weed. I just wanted an opinion of another person on the matter of the possibility of me having a tumor and/or epilepsy.
> Read before you write.
> Honestly.


Nice one here boy.

I Say the same to you.Haven't you read this part:"I Haven't read it all but i'll do after."

I Said I would read after,just tried to give you some tips and make you relax.

Hold on your hostility.

If you want to talk about tumors on your brain feel free to talk with a doctor,cause nobody here is EVEN CAPABLE to tell you if you have it or not.

Do exams and stop thinking about this shit.Any post here about brain tumor has no meaning.Only a doctor and exams will be able to diagnostic it.There's no point discussing it here unless you want to get more worried if someone says you've got it.If you really have and somebody says don't,it won't make difference.


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

Victor Ouriques said:


> Nice one here boy.
> 
> I Say the same to you.Haven't you read this part:"I Haven't read it all but i'll do after."
> 
> ...


Yes. I've read it. But you started making an argument without even reading the post first, which is what you do. You have no concrete argument to win me over on that one because it just doesn't make sense. It's like reading only the title of a newspapers' article and then pretending you know everything that was talked about in it.
I'm not asking for someone to say if I have a tumor with certainty. I'm asking for OPINIONS. Opinions on what I should do and my situation as it is.
Seriously. Read the god damn post.
I'm trying to initiate a discussion here about tumors and their effects on consciousness, possible info about them, experiences that people might have had, possible recovery routes, my experiences, depersonalization associated with other mental disorders and more.
I'm not talking JUST about tumors. They're not even that big part of my post. I put ''(including brain tumors)'' in the title just because it's one of the thing I'd like to get discussed and it's the first thing that popped into my mind before writing this post.
Also I was not hostile, you were more hostile than me in your original post.
And FYI, weed DOES cause tumors. Any kind of smoke going into your lungs can make you develop a tumor. Lung cancer, if you will.


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## Victor Ouriques (Jul 15, 2011)

Yeah in fact I don't give a fuck about what you think about my arguments or what I am.

Never will do.

I Just tried to help.

If I couldn't sorry.I Said the things by my personal experience,cause I don't suffer from anything by now.

You keep complaining about opinions,I already gave you one.Go to a doctor.That's the best thing you'll be able to do.


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## Totally DP'D (Jun 8, 2011)

I'd be prepared to bet that any CT scan comes back negative. I'm sure that when I first went to the doctor about my symptoms, he wrote me off as a hypochondriac.

I used to think I had a brain tumor - I didn't. When that was ruled out I thought I must have a degenerative brain disease - I haven't. The beliefs (labelled delusional by some) are just our way of rationalizing what has happened to us.

If you look into how the brain works - brain chemistry, neuro anatomy, psychology, you'll get a better idea of the mechanisms underlying DP.

DP tends to make people hyper-aware of normal bodily sensations (e.g. Eye floaters, muscular tension) and this can lead to what appears to be hypochondria

Once you've had the hospital tests you should be able to get to the stage where you realize there's nothing physically wrong with you. Then you can move on to address the psychological & biochemical issues


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

Victor Ouriques said:


> Yeah in fact I don't give a fuck about what you think about my arguments or what I am.
> 
> Never will do.
> 
> ...


You could've just said so. You didn't have to go all berserk on me because you thought I thought that weed induces brain tumors.
I will go to the doctor.
Thanks for your contribution, but next time, make sure to read the whole OP before writing anything.


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

Totally DP said:


> I'd be prepared to bet that any CT scan comes back negative. I'm sure that when I first went to the doctor about my symptoms, he wrote me off as a hypochondriac.
> 
> I used to think I had a brain tumor - I didn't. When that was ruled out I thought I must have a degenerative brain disease - I haven't. The beliefs (labelled delusional by some) are just our way of rationalizing what has happened to us.
> 
> ...


I know that. I wasn't going off on a goose chase. Dude, it was not me who thought there was anything wrong with me. It's just that these past few months I've been forgetting a lot of things lately and I know that this is one of the symptoms of DP, but I've never had it this bad before. I often forget the most miniscule things and it takes a lot of thinking to remember it. Not only that but I keep having something that COULD be registered as petit mal seizures. 
Because of this I went to the doctor and he sent me to get a CT, I didn't. He told me to get a CT because my EEG was irregular pointing to some kind of brain problem.
And I know about depersonalization and how it's a coping mechanism and all of the science behind it. I studied it for some while now in these 2 years. I know it as much as it knows me.
I already accepted I might never recover, it's just that the forgetting things and the slowed thinking really worries me.

I don't get how people don't understand what I want to say.


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

I had the CT today.
Turns out they will need 4 days to process my results, while others needed only 40 minutes.
I'm getting worried.


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## HenDthor (Jul 26, 2011)

I'm so sorry all this has happened to you. I've had DP/DR for 11 years now (since I was 9), and have been getting progressively worse. I understand the whole acting thing, but I rarely ever remember I'm doing it these days.

I have panic attacks on weed, too. I get confused and can't tell what's what, but I would usually recover. My problems didn't stem from that, though. I think that maybe you were prone to this type of thing and it was marijuana that set it off. Pot has a tendency to activate DP symptoms in average people, so it makes sense that it would effect you even more.

I've had all kinds of delusions over the years, including the coma one. I've had people living in my head, watched the Matrix thinking it was a message that I was being put through a simulation, etc. Though I'm getting worse by the month, I'm learning to cope with it better. I still feel like I'm in the Matrix, but I've learned to ignore it. As a result, I feel even less, but I'm at least less crazy. Plus, everything I've lost, emotionally, I've learned to get back through empathy.

I haven't been able to get past memory loss. I can hardly complete simple tasks most of the time. I'll try to go get a drink of water. All of a sudden, I've been in he kitchen for 15 minutes and have no idea why.

Do you think you could give me some advice on how you got help? I'm 20 and unemployed, so I can't afford the help I need. I see you're under 18, and you probably have a parent/guardian to get you help, but I'd like it if you could tell me what you know. I haven't seen anyone about these problems, and thus have not been able to get any kind of brain scans or medication. Expenses are the primary concern, the rest being where to go, what to do, etc.

I hope you get through everything okay. Don't ever think there's no one who understands.


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## CoolCroatian (Jul 20, 2011)

HenDthor said:


> I'm so sorry all this has happened to you. I've had DP/DR for 11 years now (since I was 9), and have been getting progressively worse. I understand the whole acting thing, but I rarely ever remember I'm doing it these days.
> 
> I have panic attacks on weed, too. I get confused and can't tell what's what, but I would usually recover. My problems didn't stem from that, though. I think that maybe you were prone to this type of thing and it was marijuana that set it off. Pot has a tendency to activate DP symptoms in average people, so it makes sense that it would effect you even more.
> 
> ...


You're asking me for something I couldn't get back myself?
Well what I'm going for right now is: Staying away from stimulants(coffee, alcohol, drugs etc.), exercising, healthy diet, potassium and magnesium supplements(technically, I'm getting it from fruit and vegetables), B12, fish oil, Omega 3, Omega 9, ignoring it, socializing, not obsessing and spending a lot of time on sites like this one.
What can also help: Therapy and medication, I'd urge you to try the first one first, leave medication as your last option if you can, HOWEVER, do NOT expect them to cure you suddenly the minute you took one pill. Most of the time the medication might not even work, or produce even worse symptoms, but it can make you recover, you just gotta find the right one. 
Therapy can help you a lot, especially if you had traumatic events happen to you before. I had a very poor childhood and my mom has PTSD, my dad died etc. 
I have not tried therapy yet, because it's expensive, long away from home and I don't want my mom to worry.

I don't have significant problem with brain scans and similar because we have free health care here.
On note, I got my results from the CT back. Looks like I have a cyst in my septum lucidum which might be causing slowed thinking and short memory.
Don't know anything conclusive yet.

P.S. Be sure to rest a lot, but DO NOT sleep for long periods of time. Sleep 7-9 hours a day and try to keep a healthy schedule. Hope this helps.


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