# What is happening to me?



## Hedgehog fuzz

Dear All,

I don't have any future goals, aims, achievements, directed-thinking or anything. My internal monologue has completely disappeared. What an awful year and half I have had. Still, I feel under special-forces level of stress and anxiety.

I have to say that, it is beyond any doubt now, that I immediately and clearly need specialist professional help. I cannot deal with this by myself. I will speak to my psychiatrist either on monday or tueday and chase that referral up. I want to be seen and helped guys, this is torturous.


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## mind.divided

Good idea.


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## M1k3y

let the dp come and let it pass, dont over obsess it, just live with it.. talking to people seems like a cure to me, its like a little way of freedom, talk to ur loved ones, theyll really help u out, dont be scared, just accept it and do what u got to do, trust me im in peace cus of this, and my dp was worse then what u say, everything will be okay, just accept the feelings, let them come and go, and TALK TO PEOPLE


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## Hedgehog fuzz

yeah thanks mind divided


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## Hedgehog fuzz

mind divided, i thought that you were being sarcastic.....but i don't think you were being sarcastic.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I was just viewing the other sub-thread and somewhere in there, somebody wrote that they feel that their brain is a lifeless stone compared to the dynamic brain that it once was.

I think that is a lovely way of putting it. I used to think about my favourite topics like psychology, neuroscience, chemistry, etc nd now I can't think at all. My spontaneous thoughts and inner homologue have gone.

Perhaps it was because of the trauma that I have gone through being TOO much for me and as a result the brain is in complete shut-down survival mode. Removing an inner life could be a safety defence mechanism because if you reduce the total output of thoughts, then you reduce the thinking about the trauma.

I am in a lot of pain and agony right now, mentally.

Also, I think my faith and trust in my self has gone. This is a bit more abstract and harder to explain but I caused a lot of problems to myself directly int he last few years, like getting fat, bad health, injuries, having to have operations, missing out on opportunities to have my sex addiction treated by not even thinking about speaking up, getting fired from jobs etc.

I can't WAIT for proper treatment now! Cmon!


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I'm struggling to be alone right now - I feel scared and anxious. I can't BE withmyelf right now...maybe hence the dislocation? I'm trying to play amateur psychologist here but maybe I am wrong. I've said it elsewhere that because of my addiction, I can't believe that I got involved in certain sexual things that I really never thought would happen. I wish I had taken ibogaine a few years ago and cleaned out those pathways out. I;ve still got that problem to solve and it's making me feel sad, depressed and anxious.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Jesus, I just had to take a benzo. This is terrifying. Argh. I actually want to cry but I can't.

Is this a place on the forum where we can put how we feel? And journal about things? If it's not I would appreciate it if somebody could let me know.

So, I am lying in bed now and I thought that I would write whatever comes to mind. My mind's eye used to be really over-active and easy for me to imagine things before, but now it isn't. I am getting a slight picture of the library in my university where I would do quite a lot of work. I started my Masters course in 2014, and decided to extent it to 2015. I finished my undergraduate course in 2013, and I came home after living in another part of the country. When I was home, I really got into the self-help "community" if you like and was very excited to improve my life. You could say, on one level, that I was a social loser. Anyway, I just didn't do this very well and I know it is easy to blame others, but if only I had got some fucking support from my parents and some fucking validation for what I was doing, maybe things would have worked out better. They have simply never been relaxed or very supportive of what I am doing.

I have mentioned it elsewhere, that I realised that I had an addiction to masturbation and porn, and was trying the "NoFap" challenge in order to get the brain "reboot".

Each relapse pissed me off and even made me feel depressed enough to get mildly drunk in the local pub, and it was something that I was putting a lot of effort into.

I remember then, the relapse I had just making it short of the famous 90 days and how upset I felt. All hell broke loose the next week then, with the visit to the transgendered escort.

If I reflect back on things now, I suspect that I had used porn so much in my formative years that my dopamine system was now well and truly obliterated. I thought that if you had time in between the relapses, the urges would get weaker. The fear, panic, anxiety and arousal to visit this escort was just overwhelming.

The sadness, pain, destruction, despair, and genocide that this has caused to my life cannot be overstated. I remember going back into that library to work again, and I just felt like utter utter trash. My NoFap challenge had come to a brutal, unexpected and devastating end. Why did this have to happen to me?

I wish that I had joined a specialist support group at some point in the year before and taken some medication - although to be fair to myself, I did ask for naltrexone and my psychiatrist laughed at me and denied it. I even could have ordered some ibogaine off the internet and done a low-dose regimen in my room.

To have gone through all of this and be savaged with the intensity of the cravings for this kind of sex and more has ripped my ind apart - I mean, I am now on this website aren't I. Even last year, why didn't I buy naltrexone or ibogaine or something after my exams and try something. It was pure TORTURE. You may think that I am just blabbering on, but I am trying to evoke some of the feelings that I went through and the fact that I ACTUALLY went through this. I'm catching onto my idea that this was some kind of overwhelming trauma and I have just completely shut out now. I have a mantra going around in circles in my head going: "I can't fucking believe this happened, I can't fucking believe this happened etc".

Do you know how unbelievably tempted I am to take ibogaine to CRUSH those addiction pathways, so I never have to experience cravings ever again? So that I can wage WAR on it. But I am scared that chemically it will make the DP/DR much worse. There is a Longevity account of a lady who took ibogaine and it gave her a terrible blank mind. I actually took a little bit the day after I got DP'd and maybe it did cause my blank mind? Who knows?

I hope though that I can convey the terribleness of what I went through. I wish that this new addiction compound. derived form ibogaine, called 18-MC was now available. I bet the evil pharmaceutical companies will block it. But even if its approved, it won't be years until it is available.

I am struggling severely to pin down the emotions that I feel right now, but it is one of pure suffering and being pushed to an extreme end-point.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am also extremely depressed. Now surprising. Has this actually happened? Or is this all a very bad dream? :|

I'm not gay as well. It is my brain that has screwed me over.


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## derrrr

Hey man, how are you holding up today? Seems you had it pretty rough yesterday.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

No, deer, I still feel very bad. I am chronically spaced out and drunk nearly every second.

On top of that, my mental health team STILL have not referred me, just sitting on their ass with the forms and whatever we discussed. Fuck them.


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## mind.divided

Hedgehog fuzz said:


> mind divided, i thought that you were being sarcastic.....but i don't think you were being sarcastic.


No, it's actually an good idea to talk to a therapist / professional. I've done that for a few months now and it's helpful because you have someone to talk to about difficult matters and receiving advice on things.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I need to do the same definitely. I was on the phone to the samaritans for a long time today.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am feeling the pain again of what happened to me in my addiction. I remember sitting in my bedroom here about two years ago when I came back home to visit. Jeez, has that addictive experience really taken it out of me. Maybe I thought I would never get out of it - who knows. Does anybody here know much about addiction science? I think I will make a thread in the general mental health. I also lost all of my muscle mass- can you believe it, because injuries forced me to take a break out of it. I just can't believe it all. I wish that I could go back 3 or 4 years ago 

I'm not good at recognising my own emotions and feelings as well. I think there is a yucky horrible feeling going on "underneath the surface". Sometimes I feel that writing things down would help, but then often I don't do anything about it. Other times, like now, I feel that talking would be better.

ahah wait. I'm getting something. since the addiction disaster happened and the cravings/obsessive thoughts, i haven't been able to relax in my mind. my mind has literally been an area or a home of terror and displeasure. i feel injured and dirty due to what happened. and also trapped, suffocated, despair and helplessness. i guess its good to put a name to this. eeeeeerrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't believe that I am this unwell. :|

My brain isn't even telling me what to do anymore to get better - I just don't know. What HAVE I been doing? I need to move FORWARD now. I have moved seriously backwards as you can tell form my posts in terms of my life in the last year and a half. I still can't exercise or go to the gym because of injuries but I will do anything that I can to get better and do something constructive.

I've got to move in a direction where I start doing things right again. I feel that I have lost all faith and confidence in myself, and that "I" am drowning in the weight of everything imploding over me, like a heavy fucking ceiling falling on my head.

Who has been here before, and what have you done to get better?


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I wonder if the Ibogaine (roughly 0.5g total alkaloid) that I consumed in october has made me worse. I wish I hadn't taken it, because then I would have known what made me worse or whether it was just the DP/DR. I remember the DR coming on very randomly - I started to complain that my surroundings were so bright and everything looked like it was saturated in colour and light. I was walking home from university when that happened. It was pretty scary.

I was talking to a recovery friend who also suffered from sex addiction and he reported having great success with ibogaine as the only thing that removed his craving. I wish that I could take it again, but it is too dodgy/dangerous to try. Unfortunately.

If only I had done this 2 or 3 years ago  my heart aches with regret today.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I want to recover and go back into reality, but it's like my brain doesn't want to.

Does anyone else feel incredibly ALONE and like there is something MISSING, because they have lost their internal monologue??


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I'm feeling really scared and actually annoys with people today, telling me that this will pass, just accept it etc.. I just need to acknowledge that I am in a bad mood and it will pass.

I just feel seriously seriously sad that I have ended up here in my life. I am only 24 years old.

Regarding medication, I think I will wait a while longer to try something, which might be the case anyway because of the time in between appointments. The reason Is ay that is because every day I feel slightly different and it feels like the Dp/dr keeps shifting. I don't know if its going to settle down and equilibrate but let's see.

I also feel 100 per cent cognitively stupid and like I can't even think. This triggers the fear and anxiety. I just can't escape from it. I worry that I am going to be peramemently stupid...and I was intelligent before.

Gah fuck this. I just feel very self-blaming. I never appreciated anything in my life before this and constantly took stupid risks.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I had a coffee about 45 minutes ago and that just made me feel massively worse. I am freaking out terribly with this DP/DR now...I need actual coping strategies and a way to recover.

I have absolutely no idea who I am and have completely 100 per cent lost my identity. I am just walking around as a floating person....a "being", instead of "somebody"...instead of feeling like Hedgehog Fuzz.

My sense of Self has been entirely stopped away. I cannot stress how completely fucking terrified I am now.

Can ANYBODY on here relate??

EDIT: I don't know who is looking out through my eyes - I struggled to articulate this, but I suppose that is because when you look at the world through YOUR eyes you have a sense of "I"... a sense of identity. Because that's gone, I don't know who I am.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I think that I might have one of the worst cases of DP/DR out of all the people on this forum. I just don't know how to put what I have gone through into words. I want somebody to hold me and hug me.

( I just looked at another thread which states that it is our own anxiety which creates this. I don't know about that but I see how it couldn't help. I get like little releases of thoughts and pictures about the traumatic events which happened int he last two years. As I have said a lot of them concerned my addiction. The one i just got now was like a reminder of the constant stressful horrible back-and-forth debate that all (sex) addicts have inside their own head about shall I sexually act out with this or not. I can remember getting up from my computer and walking around and then sitting back down again, and just repeating this, in regards to some of my sexually addictive behaviours involving escorts. As I said earlier in the thread as well, my addiction had progressed/escalated onto acting out sexual with transgender escorts. I can remember these debates inside my head as I tried to resist going, which by the nature of this type of acting out, would lead me to deeply question my own sexuality. At the same time as this, I was going to a 12-step group ad was having problems with the spiritual/religious nature of the program. I would then, having been faced with these insane cravings where it felt like my head was being internally attacked with a screwdriver, be then trying to "work the program" and involve praying, and doing things in a certain kind of way that is not congruent or consistent with who I am. But given the initial stock of seeing that first escort and the truly awful place that I found myself in, I did my best and pushed myself to an extreme limit. By way of influence, I became a born-again Christian and went a little crazy.

Funnily enough, now that I have DP/DR, these thoughts and memories are so far away. It really feels like I have completely separated and detached from this.

So far, writing this has not made an ounce of difference, but if nothing else, it's been a place to vent. Oh, I may add as well, that I can feel background anger inside me, about where the fuck I am in my life right now. It's not fair. I put so much effort into self-change and quitting the addiction, only for it to get out of hand.

what.a load. of....


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## mezona

Yes, Hedgehog fuzz, I can relate unfortunately


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## Guest

I think maybe you are pushing too hard and putting too much pressure on yourself. If you feel anger, or other strong feelings, don't try to do anything with them, just let them be and let them move through you without fighting or adding to them.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am suffering unbeliavebly with this condition. I would just do anything in the world to get back to my old Self. I feel permanently drunk/high/spaced out and my visual field is soaked with colour making it impossible to concentrate.

what the fuck has happened to me.

i can't help it phantasm - i have destroyed my entire life with stupidity and recklessness. i used to be bright and intelligent and i never ever respect that or myself. i have no idea of who to turn to anymore except sitting here chronically feeling suicidal. how i wish i could go back in time. i am a fucking idiot.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I don't know what else to say. My only hope is seeing a professional now. I will go to the DP unit, god willing, but if that does not work then I will have to find a doctor privately.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I went out for dinner last night with a friend and hard a hard time concentrating. I think that I did a convincing job but if anything that's what makes it worse doesn't it. The thought that he is normal and I am not. I have really felt my intelligence going down and that's a horrible scary thing. Jealousy plays a part in that as well - I see people on my faebook account peopleple I went to school with winning awards, publishing journals, becoming doctors, lawyers etc.

Part of what I was trying to say earlier is that my life has gone completely fucking backwards and downhill from 21 to 24 (now). There was an initial upwards period of about 6/7 months and then I became stagnant.

I took a 1mg lorazepam last night. I did not help me to sleep deeper but increase the amount of time I spent in bed. It just makes you not even think about getting up before 8AM in my experience.

I had nightmares where such people were mocking me, laughing at me, and taking the piss.

It also felt like I had an intensely negative pall of psychological PAIN inside me. I have heard people talking of processing emotional pain. What do people mean by this? What do I need to do about this? I know that int he past I have pushed psychological pain away by going on youtube, distraction and pushing away with thoughts.

So I tried not to do that and face the pain. But is that enough? Are there exercises that I should be doing by myself? Or is that dagenrous to do by myself?

Idealyl I would have a professional to talk to about this!! I can feel the emotions right now come up as I write this.

thanks.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I just went for a walk with my mum and my DR was really bad - depth perception fucked up, houses looking different sizes, everything looking bright and having an extremely strong gleam to it.

Anyway, I literally have just got in the house and opened up my laptop. I feel those really horrible nasty emotions and could almost feel it like a pit building up on the right hand side of my body, near to my best region. I use the term "dirty' because it just feels like raw, negative feelings that I instinctively want to hide.

Could it be that my mind - the space between my ears where "I" am - has become such a difficult, stressful and painful place that I have separated away from it completely. It's extremely weird - I do sort of feel like I am leaning outside of my body rather than being inside my body.

Has anybody else had out of body experiences? I was thinking about my addiction and the pain of that which could have triggered it. On top of it, I believe that some of my pain is me comparing myself to others and feeling like what a sad, pathetic and unsuccessful life I am living compared to my high-flying friends and people that I went to school with.

Ergh, what a joke. Sitting in my room walking. That is SAD.

I also feel desperate to get back into some kind of exercise. I really hate being so skinny in my coat - it feels like I am drowning in it. I have to arrange another acupuncture session for this week and then hopefully next week I can get back to something. Again I have that feeling of desperately wanting company around me and a professional in front of me to help me. Come on, just hurry up.

The other thing is that I am only 24. I am very scared and shocked that I am in this position. I just should NOT have ever been with transgenders escorts. WTF is that about? (now again, I can feel the emotions come up. horrible stinky ones). The brain fog is severely impairing me - i cannot even think properly!

I am furious that this has all happened to me. Fury and angry.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am fully freaking out now - i just left my body and dissociated. Im thinking about going to hospital tomorrow because this is getting extremely serious.

Does anybody have tips on HOW to handle these experiences?


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I just felt myself go back into Dp/Dr in real time. What a strange feeling. It felt like a cloudy foggy feeling over-coming me, as if something was wrapping me in cotton wool inside my wood...all bunged up.

See, as I type this now, my visual snow just got worse, and it feels like there is a thick gloopy wall of syrup in the "ether".

Son of a bitch.

Imagine a smoke cloud being blown in one corner of a room, and it slowly diffuses over to you. That's what it felt like.


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## 99880

Hedgehog fuzz said:


> I am fully freaking out now - i just left my body and dissociated. Im thinking about going to hospital tomorrow because this is getting extremely serious.
> 
> Does anybody have tips on HOW to handle these experiences?


there are a few of us in this community who have out of body experiences, a grounding technique should be helpful:

https://lifeafterwardotorg.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/grounding_techniques-1.pdf

there are a lot of grounding techniques and its probably best to try out different ones to see which one will work best for you. It sounds as if you have some warning before they occur, that gives you time to intervene and stop the process.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

ok thanks.

i am going through the phase of "is this just dp/dr". i know that i have an iron and a slight vitamin d deficiency but i don't think that can cause such problems.

wow, how have i declined from the powerhouse that i used to be, to where i am now.

i am thinking about getting the "overcoming depersonalisation and feelings of unreality" book whilst i wait to be seen. i just feel like i have reservations about it, because as i said earlier, self-help has messed me up and reinforced my perfectionism and feeling of broken-ness. i suppose its different now - my motivation is not self-improvement, but one of survival: to get my intelligence and Self back. quite different territories.

also, i feel like my visual field out my eyes is changing shape. i read somewhere that people with dp/dr report different shapes and sizes etc, so maybe its just a variation of that.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I feel incredibly depressed. I have no motivation to do anything other than just lie down here and draw on my wall.

if anybody ever wants to speak on Skype i would be so happy to talk to you.

It just feels like I need to do everything I can to help myself and get myself out of this rut. Almost forcing myself to get up and destroy this blank mind, force myself into activity, getting out of the house etc.

I don't want to loose my old self and my intelligence - I'm sure some people would call me prideful but fuck them.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I don't understand what is happening to me, nor why I have developed this DP/DR. Nothing about myself or my life is recognisable to me nor what I ever thought would happen. I am actually jealous of people who have died in the news, by natural causes or whatever.

I emabarked on a roughly 2 year self-improvment program and that was my life purpose at the time. It began to cause its own problems and fizzle out towards the end in 2015, but at no point did I ever think that the incident in my addiction would happen and that I would end up with a transgender prostitute, and that various other things like getting injured and loosing all of my muscle mass would happen. That day after the escort, was completely f*****.

I feel so weird. Really bad DR and disorientation when I am in the town centre, self-blame and regret. I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole or what the point of anything is.

I feel like a researcher who spent his entire life devoted to one thing only to find out that it failed and the guy next door to him discovered it in one day.

I remember the joy of going to the gym, going to university, eating my rice and chicken, and nailing some solid work in the library, thinking that NoFap was going to work for me and generally feeling ok. I should have stopped the gym at a certain point, but anyway, the point applies.

It's very very painful. Also, my eyes hurt. I have no drive or motivation or belief in myself - probably for the reasons explained.


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## Phocus

M1k3y said:


> let the dp come and let it pass, dont over obsess it, just live with it.. talking to people seems like a cure to me, its like a little way of freedom, talk to ur loved ones, theyll really help u out, dont be scared, just accept it and do what u got to do, trust me im in peace cus of this, and my dp was worse then what u say, everything will be okay, just accept the feelings, let them come and go, and TALK TO PEOPLE


Wait, so have you gotten over your DP or has it got milder from talking to people, if so congratulations either way.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

well, talking of people, i desperately need people to talk to. i have got a counselling session on tuesday although it isn't long enough. i have another therapist to speak to on friday but that will only be for 2 sessions. still, it could help. picking up the phone today might be a good idea as well - i FEEL rotten. and weird.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Okay, I feel like writing out some more. This reminds me of when I used to go on self-help forums and how much time, effort, money and thought that I dedicated to my development for it to crash out like this. This is beyond a kick in the teeth. If only I had got hold of something for my addiction before it spiralled out of control, I would never have had to go through this. I simply can't believe that this has happened to ME!

I have opened Skype now and even that is bringing back loads of memories.

I hope that soon I "feel" back to my old self and my own intelligence and intellect coming back. Fuck. Just thinking about how I actually felt really good during the first year or so of my Master's course, - I felt really academically clever and as good about my self as I ever had.

The last year has been horrible, it makes my skin crawl. Thinking about going to university, in the same places, corridors and walls, as when I was feeling great is really weird and nasty. What I see now, is that NoFap, and hitting the gym were giving me all of my self-esteem. I think that not having the gym in this time because I couldn't go took a nasty blow to me.

None of this shit ever had to happen.

Anyway, I am feeling very concerned about feeling brain-dead.

I may be starting amisulpride on wednesday but I am not sure. I hope that if I do, then it agrees with me. I could also benefit greatly from an "emotional colonic", if such a thing exists. Any exercises and techniques that people have would be appreciated.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am feeling really scared that I have lost my intelligence. I have a new found respect for life and my congitive abilities and everything really. We can die tomorrow so we need to preserve the precious time that we have here.

I want my thoughts and cravings regarding the transgender stuff to go down. Permanently. It is incredibly scary how badly afflicted I am with this sex addiction. I want to sort those thoughts and feelings out, but need a therapeutic environment for that. I am also scared that I am going to somehow emerge gay or bisexual but if I was never very deep into porn/sex addiction I doubt something as drastic as this could ever occur.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I have no professional to talk about things with except calling helplines which I will do later today - as always.

The only thing keeping me sane right now is my music.

I desperately want to know when my referral is coming through and I am really anxious and nervous about how to proceed from here. Any medications seem to be making things worse, but I think that is because the level of trauma in my head is so bad that I think until it gets better, I will be so sensitive to anything.


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## derrrr

> ...but I think that is because the level of trauma in my head is so bad that I think until it gets better, I will be so sensitive to anything.


While I can't identify with your meds situation, this definitely resonates with me. My mind is so sensitive that pretty much anything can set off racing existential thoughts. It's craziness. Pure craziness.

In any case, hang in there, man. You'll pull through. We just got to keep fighting.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

it's horrible, and i am waiting patiently for help. waiting for 6 fucking months now and im just so tired. i really hope that they can put together an extremely comprehensive package, or even think about sending me as an inpatient to a treatment facility or sonething. my story and decline is SO bad that i think when they hear it, hopefully they will cry a bit inside and do something about it.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

My cognitive issues are terrible. I cannot believe that I am only 24 years old and in this state. What a complete mess/tragedy. Please hurry up treatment, so that I can see the doctors for my sex addiction and also hopefully receive good help for my dissociation. This is no longer something that I am attempting to recover from alone.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Ok. Things are NOT going well.

I believe that I have both psychological and physiological causes of DP - both need addressing but I do not know how to go about it. I would probably start with the psychological and see how I feel after engaging with a dissociation-friendly therapist, then evaluate where I am at and see if any medication particularly helps.

I am taking pregabalin and I feel horrible inside. It's like I don't even want to be here inside me - it feels like there is a darkness inside, a horrible black shadow.

This is awful guys. But I am still open to any suggestions.

EDIT: Physiological DP caused by ibogaine. Lamotrigine might be worth a proper go.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

This is just crazy. Where am I? Who am I? etc.

I'm sick and tired of this. I can't beleive that I am this bad. I have never been more motivated to kick some ass in life tho - proper fed up of this daily torture now.

EDIT: Ah. Now some words are coming to me. So, I am watching cooking videos and usually if I didn't know something then I would research it. I would get a sense of accomplishment from learning something and doing something good in my life. Today, that is totally missing. No inner monologue telling me to do and NO drive/motivation/ambition. Now, I have had a year and half of basically not moving forward for anything because the things that I valued the most crumbled and my life went to shit after the transgedner escort, so maybe the mind just needs training back to goals?

I wonder, as well, if it could be a dopamine issue. Specifically, a low dopamine issue. I read somewhere that ibogaine reduces dopamine levels and somebody on Longecity said that dopaminergic drugs wiperd out his blank mind and dp/dr.

What dya think?


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## TDX

> I wonder, as well, if it could be a dopamine issue. Specifically, a low dopamine issue. I read somewhere that ibogaine reduces dopamine levels and somebody on Longecity said that dopaminergic drugs wiperd out his blank mind and dp/dr.


That's one of the reasons I started Tranylcypromine. At the moment I'm on 10 mg/day and did not notice an effect.


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## alnadine20

I am going through the same thing and as u said i feel like i have one of the worst cases


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## Hedgehog fuzz

sorry to hear that my friend. try and catch this early before it gets too late (well its never too late. but harder than before).


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## Hedgehog fuzz

The pregabalin is inducing a slight floaty feeling and some concentration issues.

This is whole condition is unacceptable. I''m going to find a way to recover from this bullshit. Perhaps another medication and therapy will be better for me. I don't like the feeling of being mentally sluggish.

I hope that underneath all of this, our cognitive capacities are still here. But the dp/dr is blocking it all.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I'm in a horrendous mess at the moment. Right now.

I think my theory might have evidence behind it. Medication is making me worse because it is bringing some fo the trauma and dirty feelings out.

I have no choice anymore. Soon, I will have to take the hardest fucking challenge of my entire life and deal with this in therapy. I am literally viscerally terrified but if I want to get out - I have to.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I could definitely do with support today, if anybody wants to skype. I also miss having a nice pint of ale in the pub. And not worrying obsessively about sexuality, trauma, addiction and DpDR. What a joke.


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## JaoDP123

Try naltrexone


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Not easy to get in the UK. Going to have to get it online.

If anybody wants to Skype today, I would be really grateful. Just PM me if you are interested.

I'm struggling today as usual. There is no excitement or inner drive inside me. It feels like my old mind and Self have completely gone. It's extremely sad. Two years ago I had myself. TWO YEARS AGO WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS TRULY MYSELF AND WAS HAPPY.

My next move is to try and find out when my sex addiction referral is going through and when I am going to be seen. Once I know that, I will have a better timescale. It's just incredibly frustrating not having a timescale of when I am going to be seen, and it kind of takes the piss really.

I#m going to look at trauma therapists as well - i have decided that medication is nowhere near going to be enough for me. Not after what I have gone through - I really need a safe space to talk about issues.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I don't know if I can handle this guys and girls. I actually do not know if I can go through this and come out of the other side. I'm really scared.

Action Plan: Call the specialist unit tomorrow to try and find out when my sex addiction referral is going to come through, and then look for a therapist if I can. I have planned to speak to one therapist on tuesday over the phone, to talk about my situation and if she can help me.

In every post I feel horrendous, and it's becoming clear to me, that because of what's happened in the last two years, my life aims and goals have completely collapsed. I have no idea who I am anymore! I am not surprised that my mind has gone completely blank after all that I have been through.

The sex addiction cravings are making me feel physically frustrated and mentally horrible as well, because of the sexuality-implications. Physically, I feel horrible as well - maybe a new haircut and a good shave will help me.

Hopefully the therapist will help me to address the feelings and body sensations and trauma.

Life aint fair sometimes. Never thought I would be in this mess.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

i wonder if part of the blank mind is due to a lack of emotional reactions? its nearly sending me to a breakdown today - where the fuck is the conversation inside me gone? there's no one "talking" in my head, if that makes sense. there is an incredible sense of something so fundamental missing.

EDIT: Where have I gone? Where is "me"? I think its because I am no longer the person that I used to be - for example, sitting on my computer cahir and then getting up to find a DVD and watch that for a bit, and then maybe either go to the gym or plan a gym session for tomorrow. I think this is one cause (psychological cause) for what has happened - inside I feel cold, gutted and like there is a void. There is something dark as well inside my mind but I can't reach it because it is being separated by something - almost like a barrier. Aha. I just said that in my head, and I got a sense of knowing what it is - i think it is to do with a deep and old (but relevant) reaction to what happened int he addiction. Like a despair feeling. And then the physical odd and frankly quite shitty feeling in/all over my body (especially in the upper half), is to do with not being able to go to the gym all of the last year and a half, the frustration of this, and the physical damage that happened to my body (injuries, pain) etc. It's kind of useful for me to write this down, as I am awful at getting in touch with my own body sensations and emotions.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

It feels like I have a brick in my head - very odd feeling.


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## soulsearcher86

My immediate advice for you is DISTRACT YOURSELF. You can't immediately get your referall no matter what you do. Watch a TV show, play a video game, watch a movie, read a book, etc. Or just listen to music and read about interesting stuff on Wikipedia. I'd recommend doing anything other than wasting time here. Use the time that you're using to write these posts to either do something legitimately productive or entertain yourself. There's no point in obsessing over the feeling because it's not gonna go away in the immediate future. That's the shitty thing about DP but it's the truth and the truth will set you free.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Things are very complicated at the moment. I might make a thread later.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

The worry for me now is how am I ever going to go back to my old Self which was flawed lol, but in recent years was motivated, kept busy and had a vision/goal. I don't have that anymore. It is definitely because the two key goals relating to my addiction and to my physique have gone up in flames so spectacularly. Perhaps I am in complete shut down and survival mode? What is the point of even trying again? Maybe the TIME spent in the last 1.5 years in the absolute hell, unexpected and unpredictable, has caused me to go bonkers at some level (almost undoubtedly).

It is a very very strange feeling to look back on your life like that. I feel like two different people: one before the 4th september 2015 (when all of this nonsense began), and the person I am after. I am back living in the house where I grew up and where I spent the first year and a half of my time after graduating from university and moving back home. At that time, I had not REALLY understood that every action had a consequence, and was living on the other side of what was to come. A time of safety and fun. I could definitely have done with a harsher reality check then and much more action in my life (I definitley became stagnant ont he whole self-help thing), but there relative peace and relaxation.

For example, I remember coming home from the gym and chilling out, feeling good and listening to some music. I might have gone out in the evenings to get some Turkish food (I love grilled meats), or go to the pub for a few pints.

I really miss that. If I relapsed in my addiction, I would be annoyed but would try again. In the summer of 2015, i think comparatively I felt more stressed and was more disorganised with some of my issues starting to build up. Nevertheless, I was feeling good and decent. By doing this exercise I am realising how completely screwed up everything.

There is a very "dirty" sensation inside me: I cannot make out what it is: whether it is an emotion or a feeling but it is present at the moment. Maybe it will reveal itself later.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I had to walk past the place where I studies and lived for about a year befroe the aforementionned happened and my life collapsed.

I really want to shed some tears. Man, talk about a tragedy: this has to be it. I feel like life has fucked me over (sorry, but I need to express it in this way).

I remember studying there, no mental health issues on this kind of scale, travelling into the city to the gym, very content to spend all day by myself and still be motivated to get things done and get top grades. My memory and cognitive issues were fine as well then. In fact, they are sharp.

I had an internal diaglogue and didn't feel bored. I felt alive, normal and excited.

What to do next? Find a trauma therapist and begin. Even if medicaiton gets me better, I definitely need a therapist with all the madness that has happened since that time.

For those who are reading my thread and do not comment because you cannot relate. I urge you to do one thing: and that is to VALUE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH BECAUSE IN A MATTER OF DAYS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE CAN BE ROBBED FROM YOU.

We each never think it will be us.


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## Marinkawr

Today is also not my day, everything became pointless again, and if today i could die i would. When people are saying dp doesn't mean you are crazy then what is it? It is exactly how you feel. Yes for some people it is reversable, but it doesn't mean that it is not a mental illness. I had a few good days while i was doing gym. Now i'm having a cold and i'm just staying at home, sleeping all day, bored to death. I was crying all evening yesterday and seriously i'm upset that i'm not capable to comletely ignore it or just kill myself, it is the end of second year when i'm living in between, no excitement, no happiness, it's just the end of the world.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I can totaly 100 percent empathise. I felt suicidal today....but not so much like wanting to end my life, but really wishing that I could die or take the option of death. It's completely horrible what I am going through. I feel sorry for you as well, I want myself and then everybody else to be okay. If I recover from this, I will definitely help people through it.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Damn, my dose of Pregabalin this morning has knocked me off my head. I want to go to sleep!

I need to find a therapist today so I can't really afford to sleep right now anyway.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Does anybody else have a hard time recognising their own emotions and knowing what is "going on" inside?


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Pregabalin is doing its weird drowsy thing about an hour after taking it.....or maybe closer to the 45 minute mark. feeling quite light headed and woozy.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am feeling anxious about posting today because I am worrying what others are going to think of me and gaining their approval.

But, again, I am just absolutely astounded by what I have gone through. Fuck. I was just looking at a NHS official booklet on trauma, and it had a statement from somebody involved in a car crash.

I don't want to say their's isn't bad or anything (of course it could be ), but I have had trauma every single day for 1.5 years in unthinkable ways. I feel completely paralysed and just like "whoa, what the hell". Dumbfounded is probably the word. And on top of that, the thought of living for another 40/50/60 years is just quite awful. I feel really scared just thinking about that.

In fact, I feel completely scared and fearful of life itself right now. I feel incredibly angry WHY did this need to happen. i am definitely going to speak some people this week off here. Hopefully my counsellor can see me as well....

....but on that point. I STILL have not had proper therapy or intensive psychological help for what I have gone through. I find this remarkable and really bad. It's WAAAY too long now and I just want to get on with it. The best case scenario is that the place where I get referred to for my sex addiction problems, can help me in this respect as well. Sort of like an all-in-one treatment package.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I feel like total rubbish today and I feel like I am not getting any of the support that I need at all from the professionals.

I would really appreciate a skype convo today, so if you fancy it, then please drop me a PM.


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## 106473

i'll Skype you man in half an hour


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## Amina_x

Maybe you should look into a intensive out patient program.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Amina, can you elaborate on that please? My ears have pricked up....


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I wish that i could completely avoid lamotrigine or any of the anti-consulsant drugs (keppra etc - their original use was for treating epileptic seizures). they can definitely impair memory and concentration, and make you a bit "slower" overall.

im experiencing that on pregabalin at the moment. a few studies have shown this as well. i only took it an hour ago, and i feel like bedtime again.

Anybody relate?


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## MrFedUp

By slower do you mean cognitive slower like you feel like you process what you see slower ?


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## Hedgehog fuzz

yeah man, cognitively slower, like literally stupid. i used to be able to read quickly, formulate sentences quickly, multi task etc...

it hits my memory and attention especially.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Before this all started, i "felt" my age and i was ME. I had my Self, my identity and all the chatter in my head. So I had direction and pleasure from doing things that were moving me forward and that pleased ME. then after everything came crashing down, it basically "unfolded" that sense of self very slowly but consistently, until nothing was left...AKA extreme 100 percent loss of self

If I explain it this way, it makes sense to me. I still don't know how to really move forward or get better. I am waiting badly for my doctor's assessment in sex addiction.

I just feel SO much sadness over losing my old life and what's happened. There is definitely some grieving that needs to be done. Even if my old self was a bit dorky or whatever, it doesn't really matter.

I just can't explain it or put into words. I bet people think im repeating myself, but whatever. I'm listening to some of my favourite music and that brings it all back as well.

I was thinking about how much work I put into building myself up and losing it. I wanted to wrap my arms around the girl of my dreams, but a bloody transexual prostitute.

Song below:


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I am completely losing the will to live. This is at an unbearable point now. God please help me. No point in going to the hospital - they can't help. I have to wait for the doctor which is time.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I feel as if I have had my life and mind completely ripped apart. To a very large degree I have. Now, I was just reading a research paper saying that emotional dissociation can drive DP/DR.

About an hour ago, I had some caffeine and it's given me a slight boost where I am almost able to really understand that "I" (the Self that I have lost), is actually still here, but its completely disappeared under the weight of the trauma. And it knows no fucking sign of ending with the constant horrendous barrage of intrusive and addiction related thoughts in my head. The emptiness of the mind blank is REAL. It feels that bits of parts of me and my personality, that were in arrangement or harmony with each other have been severely disturbed. Really the whole thing feels like a bad, bad nightmare. Any surprise then that I experience no joy or pleasure.

I think I am numbed out as well because the loss of this all is far too much. I can feel some kind of cold pain feeling in my throat and chest region. it reminds me of when you go under anesthesia and the room feels really cold and icy. It's not a warm happy feeling that I sometimes used to get. From one point of view, I suppose it is easier to function like this and not feel the intense pain. But don't we need to feel this in order to recover?

Spending all day in my head obsessively thinking about sexuality. FUCK. I am just so fed up of it. You know that point where you just don't care anymore and you get mad and throw your computer because its breaking for the millionth time. Piece of rubbish. That is how I feel about this.

SO how did I survive last year? Why do I feel a complete loss of identity and feel like a robot? I can feel more well of sadness underneath but only when I actually cast my mind back and focus on the individual traumas.

That might be one way to do it. In the past, when I have had a trauma I could shut my eyes and see the images and "know" exactly what it was. Like when I had to leave home (long story), that was an effed up day, but I survived. I knew it was traumatic and I was lucky enough to receive help that same week. With this, there seems to be too many bad moments and with a blank mind, you can't visualise things. I mgoing to try focusing on the segments of this year and a half (break it down into 3 months), and see what happens.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I read Vincent's post about emotions and it resonated with me. This is probably linked to trauma. In my case, it's got to be such a huge factor - if not "trauma" per se, then inner conflicts, horrible emotional experiences, and seriously huge prolonged periods of horrible stress. Of course, I have to wait for a doctor to make that judgement but that is what the problem is isn't it? Waiting. Fucking. Ages. For. Help. Just waiting and waiting until the end of days. It's absolutely unbelievable. Yeah I know the system is struggling but it doesn't console you when you are in the middle of shit and waiting for help.

It's absolutely painful and overwhelmingly sad to think that 3 years ago I was sat in the same chair applying to study further and generally having a good time. You could never ever ever have told me that this was going to happen. I'm really sick and tired - I've had a hard life and a traumatic childhood, and I really feel that I deserve a fucking break. Fuck you life. I fucking hate you. Always stamping on me. I worked so fucking hard to build myself up.

I don't even really know how to handle this kind of situation. I remember getting some confidence and going to clubs about 4 years ago (in the summer), and getting some girls (for the first time). I had just finished uni that year and over the summer, I had been going to the gym and putting on some muscle. It was really addictive! I loved working out, not just for the buzz, but for the finished product. I think that I tried to change too hard and too soon and basically effed it up. But what really attracted my attention was this "nofap" thing, and I really was obsessed with re-booting my brain. Going 7 days without masturbating was an amazing achievement back then...quite ridiculous.

I don't know what went wrong after that. Now I wish that I could just go back in time. To a time when things were easy and things were simple.

In short, I am so fed up living and feeling like shit. FUCK. God knows how I am seriously going to re-build back from this? What it feels like is that I am missing more than just joy or happiness. I am literally missing my Self. I am missing a part of me.

If anybody has suggestions....i am all ears.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

:sad:


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I feel like shit. Constantly living in regret but I don't think that I have fully accepted where I am at the moment, at this point in my life. I have completely fucked my life up. I can't believe it. Not just a little bit, but 100 percent and completely and fully. I try praying to God but it just doesn't work. How the hell is this even happening. But I want to welcome somebody into the hell that is my life. I was to speak to a properly trained trauma and DP/DR therapist. I am now 100 PER CENT FED UP of dabbling in recovery and speaking to people here and there, but not getting the full comprehensive package.

I have so much anger as well directed towards myself. I cannot believe that I didn't once google sex addiction recovery other than go by on the stupid NoFap forums. I may have discovered and tried naltrexone or even ibogaine and never unleashed the violent cravings that ultimately took me into the realm of transgender escorts. So on top of that I still have sexuality debates raging inside my head. I feel so so sad about this especially because I was cleaning up my act and never vowed to take drugs again. The sadness is unreal.

Back before as well, I was never thinking properly about how to keep myself safe and how to protect myself in this life. Not in the way that I think now. If I were to tell my parents this now, they wouldn't be interested. They will never change and learn.

So the major thing today is just that deep sense of being in this fucked up situation.

I am beginning to wonder if there are actually any benefits to being in DP/DR...as a protective thing even if mine was fully or partially drug induced (from the ibogaine that I took).

I just want to be free now. Free from this cage.


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## tfiio

if the trauma is ongoing, the first step is getting out. if the trauma is in the past, the first step is acknowledging that it was traumatic, which you've just done. congratulations. there are a lot of professionals that specialize in trauma and how to cope and work through it. if you can afford to seek professional help, a trauma specialist should be relatively easy to come by. they can help show you what to do to take it from a festering wound to a scar.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I can't get out of the current trauma. The first is that my sex addiction led me into the transgender escorts and that was what really kicked everything off. That's the big issue for me. Because it is an addiction, I still get the cravings and the obsessive thoughts. I also keep having the constant argument inside me head and trying to "work out" what implications this has, if any, on my sexuality and whether I like certain things. After all, a "normal" person would not have gone back to do something that made them feel bad since they would have just stopped. But that is a classic sign of addiction after all - keep going back again and again despite the negative consequences.

I don't know what the solution to this is. I am trying to my best to keep myself away from the addiction but its damn hard. Certain things have got easier (like not masturbating and avoiding porn), but the mental obsession is still there. It feels like I am just waiting and waiting to be seen by the professionals. If I start therapy with a private therapist, then I may have to end it because I could then start treatment with the mental health professionals in the NHS. You can't do two therapies with two different people can you?

Finally, I still get recurring thoughts and images and moments where I am thinking about the last year and a half as a whole - but I guess that is not too strange considering that I have not had any proper psychological help. I am living back at home again and that is sad in itself, because I was living here three years ago and my bedroom was a place of happy memories - I left home after an argument with my parents and thought I would only return, it at all, when I am doing really well in my life. I certainly did not expect things to go this far south like they did.

I appreciate your post mate, if you have anything to say on this I would be grateful.


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## tfiio

there's no rule that I know of that says you can't have multiple therapists, although it is possible that it can get difficult for you, since they may offer conflicting viewpoints or may get stroppy about it, plus it'll probably cost more and definitely take more of your time (although idk how your insurance works). if your prospective therapist through the NHS is a more general-purpose therapist, they may suggest you find a private practice sex addiction specialist anyway. because you're right, it is an addiction, and for the vast majority of people it takes more than just independent willpower to get over an addiction of any kind. that's not an area that I personally am very familiar with, so most of the help I myself can offer is going to be relatively generalized or regurgitated google searches, haha. (which can still be helpful, it's just not the same.)

my guess is that the therapy itself will become a combination of getting through the addiction and getting through all the emotional damage the addiction is causing you, so you'll sort of be doing both steps at the same time, for a while. again, not an area I understand well, so it's just a guess.

it sounds like your parents welcomed you back, even though you had fought. which is itself a happy thing. you're working on trying to improve your circumstances and your health, which is taking a long time, and that's really frustrating, but you're not just laying around doing nothing. you're trying. that's worth something.

I'm sorry you got left talking to yourself on this thread for so long, I know how frustrating that can be.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

Thank you so much fir posting on my thread mate, I really appreciate it.

I am as low as can possibly be - I felt worryingly close to suicide in the middle of the night. Accepting this condition is not enough now, please, I need a fucking solution, I need a fucking cure.


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## Saschasascha

I already sent you a message and I still believe that a huge part is OCD. Like i said, OCD and addictive behaviours can be closely related. The passage "I also Keep having the constant Argument inside me head and trying to "work out" what impilcations this has, if any, on my sexuality and whether i like certain things" is so very much OCDish, furthermore your constant obsessive thoughts, your huge amount of guilt, shame anxiety all Point towards OCD

Sascha100


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## tfiio

seek professional help. hold out until you get it. yes it will take time. yes it won't magically fix everything right away. but it's a step. I know it hurts.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

I have! I wrote it earlier up in my story.

I have had an absolute NIGHTMARE with the professionals. I am still waiting after half a year to see the psychosexual psychiatrist and team, in order to address my sex addiction. I have seen 5 different psychiatrists in a total of 6 appointments. When I was sent to an acute unit (to keep me safe), there was no psychologist and no diagnosis was given. It's been a joke mate. A sick one.

Let's hope that it comes through ASAP.


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## mind.divided

You should look into nofap. I believe you could greatly benefit when dealing with those "sexual" problems you mentioned and other things.


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## tfiio

mind.divided, they mentioned earlier that they already have. hedgehog fuzz, I know you've already started the process and that it's convoluted and frustrating and slow. but you need to hold on until you get help. there's zero reason to believe help can't help you if you haven't found help yet. if that makes sense. it's a weird sentence but you get the idea, right?


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## Hedgehog fuzz

mind.divided, have you read my story? lol. you would see that it is ALL to do with nofap and how that didn't work. im not going to type it out again now, maybe later, just take my word for it that i have a severely compulsive addiction that only got stronger and stronger, until i ended up the the transexual thing.

yeah that makes sense tfiio


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