# Advice please



## wobbles (May 8, 2008)

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if you could all give me some ideas on whether you think i have either DP or DR or similar based on your own experiences.
Here is a list of symptoms:

* Have extremely few memories of my life (i'm 28) and the memories i do have i have no connection to, like watching a movie
* Have no idea who i am, no sense of identity
* Live life in a haze, fog, with no connection to anyone or anything around me
* Sometimes will be sitting in my living room and suddenly everything around me seems different, new, unfamiliar
* Constant internal dialogue, voices, commentary in my head
* Live life spending most of my time fantasising, daydreaming and end up not being able to tell whether i've dreamed something or if it's real
* See myself differently everytime i look in the mirror
* In the past have had a very hard time accepting my gender
* Unable to form lasting relationships with other people due to inability to relate to people
* Turn into a completely different person in social situations, then don't remember much about it later on
* React differently to the same things each time, eg. react positively to something one minute, then over react negatively about the same thing the next minute
* Often unable to move, despite yelling at myself in my head to move, get up, do something....as if i'm frozen
* Surprise myself at how simple something is, yet would normally not be able to do it, cope with it
* Often unable to give detailed responses, instead give very vague, round a bout answers and responses
* Constantly feeling 'Out of it', 'Spaced out'

These are just some of what i experience daily, and have done all my life. From what i've read, dissociative disorders are normally due to traumatic experiences, mostly from childhood. The problem i have is that i remember so little of growing up, that i have no idea what event, or events, could have caused this. I'm confused, depressed, have constant anxiety, fear, no confidence, am on anti depressants and seeing a counsellor weekly, but for the first time things are starting to make sense. If i have a dissociative disorder, it would explain so much, and if i don't, then i don't know where else to look for answers.

I would appreciate help, support, advice, from anyone.

Wobbles


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## junfan (Apr 12, 2008)

hope everYthing is ok dude, things are real shitty for me to, if we all stick together for support we will all get through, we need each other support. stick in there. i think these are the types of problems nuost of us encounter, i especially have the loss of self thing


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## wobbles (May 8, 2008)

wobbles said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I was wondering if you could all give me some ideas on whether you think i have either DP or DR or similar based on your own experiences.
> Here is a list of symptoms:
> ...


I am reposting this, as i had forgotten i joined this forum, have found it again, and wanted to get some ideas from people.
I'm really struggling at the moment with feeling like a complete stranger to myself and the inability to connect with others.

Any advice or support is welcome.

I also just want to add, that i've realised how traumatic my childhood was through psychological abuse from my mother, as well as events that have occurred throughout the last 14 years. I'm now practically a zombie!


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## Tommygunz (Sep 7, 2009)

well, it sounds exactly like DP/DR to me, only with a little dissociative identity disorder. not that common but totally possible. have you sought professional help for this?


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## wobbles (May 8, 2008)

Hi Tommy,

Thank you for your response.

I'm so confused, and in inner turmoil about all of this.

While i understand the DSM criteria, i understand, intellectually, the websites, the literature, the research, it's all such a haze in my head.

All i know is that i have been like a zombie most of my life, unable to feel what most people feel, unable to remember my life, events, people, things i should be able to, and feeling so spaced out, numb and non existent for so long.

I've been diagnosed (8years ago) with BPD, but it just doesn't seem to fit. I have major depression also.
I've been taking anti depressants (first fluoxetine, now on Zoloft) for the last 2 and a half years, as well as seeing counsellors and psychotherapists, i'm currently seeing a psychologist who specialises in Schema Therapy for BPD, but i feel i'm getting nowhere.

I feel like the real issues, the real problems just aren't being touched.
And the real issues are trauma, and depersonlization and the affects of both.

I don't have a diganosis for DP/DR, and i have no clue as to where to start with treatment.

I don't know how to stop or change, or fix me.

My marriage is going down the drain because i'm incapable of feeling anything for my husband. I don't remember most of my life, or my sons 2 and a half years of life, and i cannot make and maintain friendships because i'm incapable of making any type of connection with people.
I don't know who i am, and i don't know what to do.

Thanks again and sorry that ended up being so long, i just really need to talk.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

wobbles-

after reading all of the symptoms that you had listed, i realized that some of them fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and the rest seemed to be symptoms of DP.
i too have BPD, been diagnosed for a little over a year, and i am in treatment right now. ive been seeing a therapist for about 8 months now, and i feel like i am not really making any progress, so i can relate to you on that part. ever since ive been hit with the DP (which has been about a month now), i feel like my doctor isnt really getting it, and that we arent really addressing it in therapy.

a couple of questions that i had:

-you said that you had felt like a zombie for most of your life and were unable to feel what most people felt, unable to recall events and people and that you felt really spaced out and numb. how long have you felt like that? was it throughout your entire life?

that definitely sounds like DP, and i can relate for sure. as far as treatment for DP goes, have you asked your psychologist if she specializes in Depersonalization? Most therapists end up classifying dp as depression or anxiety, and not dp itself. i would ask.

and you cant change or fix yourself, this is something thats happened and will just have to take its course until it leaves or gets better. from what ive read on many posts here, the more you try to fight it, the longer it will take to get rid of it. it is hard, believe me, i know. i am struggling with it really really bad myself right now. im trying my best to just accept it, and little by little move on.

if you need someone to talk to, im here.


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## wobbles (May 8, 2008)

Hi Sandy,

Thank you for your reply.

I do believe a lot of my 'symptoms' fit into both BPD and DP criteria. It's often hard to see where one ends and the next begins, if it even works that way.
I've spent the afternoon trying to figure out when these things really started.
The dissociating, i believe i've had all my life. I believe i used it as a coping mechanism as a child, and because it became such a frequently used tool, i left behind the real me a long long time ago. She was buried deep inside my shell and has never been allowed out again. She is caged and occasionally i can hear her small voice. I have had trouble with my identity, my gender, memories (or lack of), relationships etc etc from as far back as i CAN remember. I don't have any memories of being anything other than i am now. Soulless.
As far as the BPD, i do think i had a lot of the traits when i was in highschool.
My father committed suicide when i was 16, and this seems to have been the defining moment for my mental health issues. 
I believe it was this traumatic event a long with the following years of trauma etc that exacerbated the BPD, really kicked it into gear, and because of it and the depression, and having the safe old habit of dissociating/depersonalising as a coping mechanism, i am now where i am, and who/what i am.
A shell.
I have an appointment with my psychologist on Thursday, i'm going to discuss all of this with him.
I wonder, because it is a life long, ingrained habit, problem, issue, way of being, if it is even possible to change, recover, whatever. Or is this how i'm destined to be forever. Empty, lonely, disconnected. Or is it a case of, deal with the trauma and things will improve.
How do you get to know someone you've NEVER known? Who you've had 30 years to get to know, to connect with, is it even possible?
Or is it a case of, i've been a non-person for so long now, that there is no real person anymore?
I'm simply a list of symptoms, problems, issues. I am consumed by this cancer, and i have no quality of life as a result.


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## pancake (Nov 26, 2009)

wobbles said:


> I have an appointment with my psychologist on Thursday, i'm going to discuss all of this with him.
> I wonder, because it is a life long, ingrained habit, problem, issue, way of being, if it is even possible to change, recover, whatever. Or is this how i'm destined to be forever. Empty, lonely, disconnected. Or is it a case of, deal with the trauma and things will improve.
> How do you get to know someone you've NEVER known? Who you've had 30 years to get to know, to connect with, is it even possible?
> Or is it a case of, i've been a non-person for so long now, that there is no real person anymore?
> I'm simply a list of symptoms, problems, issues. I am consumed by this cancer, and i have no quality of life as a result.


I don't know about completely ridden myself of DP, but while it used to run my world it has become a lot more quieter nowadays. I am still prone to dissociating myself from certain situations or surroundings but it is a familiar thing and personally once I reached a level of some control I figured there was no reason to pull apart my own thinking patterns any further. I am no "exhibit A" for full recovery, but I am leading my life (that's me in the driver's seat, not twice removed) and only get moments or hours of DP occasionally. It is not gone, just so mild and manageable I don't see a need to amend my ways any further.

Eventhough I get the odd reminder of DP, I know everything that is lost can be found again. Me, I guess I just unlost myself. State dependent memory did the trick for me. I was getting better but for a long while I couldn't shake the nagging thought that I had lost myself, that I was the hollow shell not the essence. Eventually, as the DP eased up I just forgot to worry about losing myself and after a bit I started to feel like myself again. I sort of forgot about forgetting. I remembered as if it had been on the tip of my tongue all along.


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## Babble (Mar 9, 2010)

I have a difficult time accepting my gender as well. I never wanted to mutilate myself or anything. I just don't think of myself as any sex. You aound very much like me and I do hope you get the help you are looking for. 
Good luck Wobbles!


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