# Almost fully recovered



## mckenzie (Jan 7, 2014)

I had DP and DR for almost 7 years. It took most of that time to actually find out what it was. As I've become better I'm forgetting what the symptoms were like and whereas 6 months ago I could have written pages about what I felt now I am moving back into normal 'reality'.

I guess it was a perfect storm that I developed DP. 2 years ago I would have told you I had a normal happy childhood, but now I can see I am a highly sensitive person with an insecure attachment. I struggled growing up with fitting in and feeling a part of the world. My parents always fought and I had to hide my sexuality and was confused about my masculinity. The tipping point was an incident at high school right at a crucial point in adolescence. The fact that my DP symptoms showed themselves randomly a few years later is what confused me. I struggled to make sense of it and I just barely coped. I can just remember the inescapable horror of it, the absolute fear and anguish. It was like I was on an out of control train that had gone flying off the rails.

There were two steps in my recovery. One was when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was in a very bad place then, in so much agony, so unattached to my thoughts and my body, life was so dark and fuzzy. A few months after they were removed I began to notice a lessoning of my symptoms. I have since learned that the teeth and throat represent the third chakra, involved in self expression and speaking out. As 'spiritual' and esoteric as it may sound, I believe they were connected.

The second part of my recovery was EMDR therapy. I felt so terrible going to each session and didn't really know how it would work. Basically after some discussion we worked out there were several scenes to work on, involving the incident at school and some incidents with my parents. She would tell me to think of the scene and then follow her finger from side to side. I don't really know how it heals but I think those specific incidents were occasions that overwhelmed me, and just focusing on them and doing the exercise was a way of processing them and taking everything in when at the time I couldn't. It changed my feelings about them and there were some minor shifts inside me. I felt more in control of my life, less helpless and unable to cope.

Another thing that helped was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and reading books about shame (Healing The Shame That Binds You and all John Bradshaw's work was life changing for me). A lot more happened in the 7 years I had it obviously, but it's not really relevant. Except to say that I read many spiritual texts and they caused me much more stress that help.

I know lots of people say you just have to live life as normal to recover. I think that's the case for some people, but for others like me I had to get the therapy before I could recover. I don't believe there is 'one way' to recover from DP/DR. I think it's a very individual thing and everyone has different things that work for then.

My main point is that you can recover from the depths of it. This time last year I was in such a bad place. I was suicidal, I couldn't even begin to imagine a future, or ever being happy or healthy again. I think the difference between DP and being healthy are so vast that we can't even imagine the other when we are in one. As I feel myself recover I am forgetting what it felt like. And the reason why so many people who recover never tell it on here is because they just move on.

I know I have missed out on so much with this condition. But looking at my family and extended family I can see a lot of patterns to do with suppressing feelings and never showing weakness or fears. I was heading down that path, and although 7 years of heartache is far too long, a lifetime of never letting anyone in or opening up might be worse. Although 7 years sounds like a lot, 5 of those were with no idea what my condition was. My Dr, even after I discovered what it was, looked at me strangely and told me he had never heard of it, which was pretty humiliating at the time.

There is a lot more I could write but I don't know if anyone's interested. Here are some symptoms I felt if it helps:


Like I was living in a dream. Disconnected from reality. Nothing seems real. Life is like a flat 2-d sheet.
Overwhelming anxiety 24/7.
Like I was stuck in some hell-hole reality. I couldn't escape.
My head felt full, fuzzy
My thoughts were disconnected from me. And they had so much power. One thought could cause so much anxiety.
Names, people, places, things felt unfamiliar. 
Disconnected from my body.


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## Dillweed (Feb 5, 2014)

Can relate to the specific things you listed. Good luck and keep on pushing on.


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## ginni (Oct 25, 2012)

thanks for sharing ur exp


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## retep (Mar 19, 2013)

I can really relate to what you have written here. I too didn't find out what was going on with me for years! Thanks for sharing your experience!


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## Jb3083 (Jan 17, 2014)

Your story sounds so much like mine. I have all of those symptoms especially the feeling of unreality. Before I knew what dpdr was, I would describe it to people as if I was living in a dream, life felt like a dream, I didn't feel real. I've had this for 8 months now, result of panic attacks. Its been the most painful, unrelenting thing I have ever been through. I will take your advice and pursue emdr and cognitive therapy.


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## mckenzie (Jan 7, 2014)

Good luck! As I say, I don't think there is one cure for everyone, but it is important to look into what may have caused it from an emotional point of view and get some therapy/treatment. I constantly was thinking 'I am never going to feel normal or happy again', but slowly I've become more present and felt safe in life again. Unless you are experiencing it it is almost impossible to understand what it feels like or get your head around the concept, so if family/friends/medical professionals are dismissive remember that you are not crazy, it's just your brain trying to deal with overwhelming stresses and you can recover.


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