# I'm ready.



## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

Hello, guys.

It feels ironic writing this when I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment, but I don't really care. This has been on my mind for a little while and I want to share this with you all.

Most of you guys know that I got my depersonalization from being in a relationship with a person that I loved very much: who I didn't realize was toxic. Because I couldn't handle it after it was over, I started numbing myself, which in turn helped the depersonalization grow. You guys are obviously familiar with the spacey, unreal sensation that this disorder inflicts upon us; at one time, it was everyday for me. The symptoms sometimes got so bad that I thought that I was going to faint or have a seizure despite having no medical history of epilepsy or any other seizure-related disorder. With this disorder, it has bent my will to live and it has caused me countless nights of me wishing that I could just get over the past and that I never got the idea of desensitizing myself in the first place. Even under the thick grey surface of emotional detachment, I was still highly sensitive about the relationship I had and the experiences before, during, and after it.

I can't remember the exact day I got this horrible condition, but I do remember that as of January 2018, this very month, I've been living with DPD for 4 years. That's an incredibly long time to get over a breakup. I can't believe that I've been living like this for so long, yet I simultaneously do not care. I've decided that I will no longer let the pains of history affect me any longer.

The girl I loved is no longer on my mind and the thought of her no longer brings my mind hostility. We don't talk anymore, but I've accepted that she's a person that was once in my life and now she no longer is. Yes, it's taken me years to come to terms with this, but it's better late than never. Now, I am facing new difficulties in my life, but this is a chapter in my life I'm ready to end.

After 4 years of having depersonalization, I'm not sure when it will end, and I don't think we ever get to know this until one day we feel normal again. No emotional bluntness, no feeling like you're disconnected from the world, yourself, and people. No feeling like a robot or not recognizing yourself in the mirror. None of that, and so much more. If I have to live with this disorder for a few more years or for the rest of my life, I will accept this as a weight I have to carry. But I won't let it stop me from living a happy and successful life the best I can. I won't be an overly positive, chipper, up-your-ass person and saying all this is easier said than done when you live with mental illnesses that will never leave you, but achieving a life where I can be in peace is a goal of mine I hope one day to reach.

I have people in my life who care for me and I will continue to recognize this when I have days when I feel like I have nothing. My parents, albeit I still need to work on my relationship with them, love me and try to give me the best life they can to me despite our financial problems. I have many friends, online and offline, that I'm very lucky to have, regardless of how often we talk because I know that they care about me in some form and want me to be happy. My close friends especially apply to these standards for obvious reasons and because these are the few friends I trust with all of my being. I also have a person in my life who we mutually view in a romantic light and he makes me as happy as I do him. Trauma and emotional blunting has made all sorts of relationships difficult for me, especially romantic endeavors (though the few people who were 'interested' in me usually wanted me for sex), but I am striving to improve them and approach them with more maturity as I push myself out of my shell.

Granted, I'm not 100% ready to start this as if the world is mine for the taking. But the fact that I'm recovering from an experience that has had a great impact on my mental health and the way I function is a clear sign that I'm getting over it. While I believe that this happening hasn't been a completely conscious effort, I think I'm ready to start actively moving on.


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## Chicane (Oct 8, 2015)

Good for you, glad you feel ready to move on.

When I was younger, relationships took everything out of me. For a young man I was always far more invested than any of my peers. When those relationships ended, I would feel absolutely decimated on the inside. So it's not surprising it takes certain others a long time to forget the past too. Some people are never able to put a given relationship behind them. So don't beat yourself up about taking as long as you needed. I would instead see it as a good thing you're capable of such emotion.

Some of us "feel too much" in a way though, I think. That can probably hurt our chances of a quick recovery. The flip side is that when you're ready, you're able to give in a way that few others can.

Wishing you all the best.


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## alnadine20 (Oct 22, 2014)

Same thing happened to me. The same way too. I’m goin. On 5 years can’t believe I still have it


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

Chicane said:


> Good for you, glad you feel ready to move on.
> 
> When I was younger, relationships took everything out of me. For a young man I was always far more invested than any of my peers. When those relationships ended, I would feel absolutely decimated on the inside. So it's not surprising it takes certain others a long time to forget the past too. Some people are never able to put a given relationship behind them. So don't beat yourself up about taking as long as you needed. I would instead see it as a good thing you're capable of such emotion.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. Things like this really can be terrible when you have such a personality, but we can't really help it. Even though we can easily view it as a bad thing, 'feeling too much' can be good in a few ways. Even when we have depersonalization, empathetic people like us can still be just that, even if they don't realize it, and I think it's wonderful that it's still there. It's a sign that we're still human even though DPDR oftentimes makes us feel like we aren't. Speaking of this, I've also come to the realization that I have to acknowledge that I am human and not some husk. Even with depersonalization, we're still human and capable of feeling emotions and being empathetic. And I think this is important for all of us to recognize.

Also, I hope you're doing well.



alnadine20 said:


> Same thing happened to me. The same way too. I'm goin. On 5 years can't believe I still have it


Really is quite hard to deal with after having it all these years. But I still have high hopes that you're able to recover.


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