# I need someone(s) to talk to



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

So I'm a long time member and many of you might not recognize me. I've had dp for 2 years and 8 months and am almost recovered. But I've been really struggling the past month and my dp has gotten worse as a result of it. I can't really talk to anyone else who understands and maybe no one will understand here but I feel like if I don't get this out, it's going to eat me alive, so bare with me.

I basically got dp because I was in an abusive marriage with a video game addict. We got divorced because of the addiction and because the addiction made him abusive. I had this one really horrible year were our marriage fell apart, I got dp, my family unit imploded when my mom decided to get an internet boyfriend and kick my dad out of the house which resulted in my dad going insane and all of us having to get a restraining order against him. And then we all turned on each other and ended up not speaking at all. It was basically a living hell and things haven't really restored themselves. I was stuck living with my ex husband for a year after our divorce because I had no contact with my family and I couldn't work because of the dp. But he continued to be addicted to video games and be abusive and it got to the point where we would have violent fights and I had to leave. So I moved my kids and I to another state to get away from the stress of being around his issues. And, for the most part, I did well. I was happy for the first time in a long time. I made a lot of steps in recovery and even had a few instances where dp went away for a few minutes. But I was pretty much alone there with 3 kids who I take care of full time and NEVER get help with or a break from. It's like stress times a million. It was so stressful that I ultimately made the decision to move to a town near my ex so that he could help me out with the kids. But it's turned into so much worse. My ex is the only person and "family" I have here. So I end up spending a lot of time with him and that exposes me to his addiction and that has caused me so much pain in the time I've been back here. I didn't realize until now that being back near him would effect me so much because it didn't effect me when I lived far away. I guess maybe because I didn't have to be aware of it every day. But gaming, to me, is like the other woman to a person who had been cheated on. It was always my ex's mistress and always the one he loved more than anything else. I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused over the gaming, so understandably, I hate it with a passion and cannot stand to even be aware of it's existence.

So I've lived here for over a month and when I moved in, I was in a very good place mentally. I was happy, my dp was minimal. Now I am depressed to the point that I don't want to get out of bed and my dp is getting a lot worse. Before I moved here life had become beautiful again. I could be outside and see beautiful scenery and enjoy it like a normal person would. But today I sat in the middle of what should have been a beautiful field and I felt numb and I thought to myself, I bet this is beautiful. I just wish it looked real and I could tell it was beautiful.

One of the biggest struggles I am having is dealing with where I fit in. Because right now, I cannot figure that out and it's destroying me inside. I grew up in a huge close knit family and until 3 years ago I could have bet my life on the fact that they would be there for me no matter what. But when my family fell apart, I had dp and couldn't deal with anything else so all of those relationships ended in me just freaking out and shutting down. Them, not understanding how mentally unstable I was, expected me to deal with it differently and since I didn't they all got mad and acted like I wasn't alive. So that left me with the only person I had in the whole world being my abusive addict ex. And that was such a bad and unbearable situation that I moved 2 hours away to get away from him. But there I had very little contact with friends and family, and 3 kids by myself and that was too much stress to deal with. So now I find myself in this tiny town close enough to my ex for him to seriously effect my mental well being but still completely alone in the world unless you count him. I seriously can barely deal with it. I cannot handle it. And the fact that I cannot handle it is making my dp get worse, which is not good. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I belong or am safe anywhere I go. I don't belong there. I don't belong here. And truthfully, I don't belong anywhere.

I have tried over and over again to make friends and make those people my support system since my family fell apart and let me tell you, it just doesn't work. People are incredibly self centered. Friends will never and can never be there for you like family can. I just feel completely alone and stuck. I cannot move because 1, I just signed a year lease a month ago, and 2, I have moved so many times in the past few years that if I move again, I'm pretty sure my daughter's father will try to take her away from me. I try really REALLY hard not to get into the victim mentality because I lived that the first few years of dp and it just kept me in a mental living hell. I try so hard to see the positive and tell myself to stop making other people a condition of my mental well being and happiness. Maybe I'm codependent, I don't know but that is IMPOSSIBLE for me. I've been trying and always end up feeling like I don't belong anywhere and it is killing me. I was just born needing the security of knowing that I fit into a family unit, am loved, and have their support. I'm not one of those totally independent people who can have no one in the world and be totally ok. I don't know what to do. Help


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Hi!!
I just got back here after "forever". Once again it's like we're linked, everything you write resonates so well with me.
I've had dp for three years now, and like you I've slowly gotten better, but it's not going away.
I'm on here today because I feel like if nothing changes pretty soon I'm going to kill myself. I've tried to connect to society and people around me but I feel like an alien, I can't seem to find "my" people. I've tried looking at it from every angle, maybe this activity or that activity might be good, maybe my standards are too high, maybe this maybe that. I even bought a bike to try and get around but I can't focus and yesterday I almost got hit by a car.. It's so tragic I almost want to laugh. I've also in pure desperation joined a social networking site for native americans, as I desperately need to find something in this world that is different from what I see around me. 
I have an overwhelming need to run away into the wild, I'm sick of this lifestyle, the money that goes into just barely surviving in this city, the person I feel I need to be to fit in with neighbors and parents at school (who doesn't know I exist anyway so it's mostly in my head).

I had to get a restraining order against my older sons dad as he threatened me daily and I found out he's hit my son. My son's Asperger is a nightmare to live with right now, and I never have time off or anyone to talk to about it. It's daily discussions and yesterday he threatened me and his brother with a knife. He gets in to these desperate states when he can't deal with emotion (a girl in his class died) and I'm there with this freaking dp and don't know how to deal with it either. I've tried to get help but they don't seem to get how bad it is or that I'm not capable of being there to help him at this point. I comfort him and talk to him and try my best, but nothing helps. I feel like the worst mom ever.

Like you I'm down to one person left in my support system, my "boyfriend" (who is 42, it sort of sounds like he's a teenager when i say b.f) who doesn't get how dp effects all aspects of everything all day long, and who doesn't see a future with me obviously as he doesn't want to move back together and doesn't want to make any plans.
We're never intimate (sorry for being personal), so I'm stuck being a single parent in an apartment I can't afford to rent, but still can't connect to any other male as I'm "in a relationship". I'd gotten out if it wasn't for our beautiful son, or maybe I wouldn't as that would leave me totally alone. I'm all over the place here, but I just have this desperate need to have SOME human contact, some positive feelings between grownups. You probably get what I'm saying..

I just wanted to share so you know you're not the only one who's life has fallen apart. Please don't hesitate to get in touch, if you need to talk. I do think we'd both get out of this mess if only dp would lose it's grip on our minds, how can anything resolve itself when we can't think or feel or get in touch with what we really are right.

*hug*


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

Oh Anne. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time! I don't think people understand how hard it is to try to be a parent while you have dp. It's hard enough to live every day without adding on having to constantly care for the mental, physical, and emotional well being of tiny demanding little people. I don't know about your kids but my kids fight like they hate each other. Constantly fits, hitting, screaming, throwing stuff. It's incredibly stressful and we already don't have the capacity to deal with stress. I've always thought that we all need to go live on an island away for all stresses of life. That there needs to be this safe place where we can go and just exist. No obligations, no drama, no stress, all of our needs provided for and constant love and support. I hope one day that I can afford to create such a place.

I wish there was something I could to help you, something to make things easier for you. My heart breaks at your suffering.


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Thank you, it means a lot to know someone out there understands We're both obviously in a bit of a mess, life sure is harder than I ever imagined.

I agree we should have had some place to go and get some real rest. I wish there was a way to push a pause button, so one could go away and relax without having to think about people left behind.. Last summer I went on "vacation" by myself, I was desperate and used my savings (not much!) to go away to find some peace. I ended up just feeling very lonely and awkward, I think it would have worked better if I was with someone else with dp. I wish there was a dp farm or something (ha ha), where one could have some routine but still be away from all the stress of having to care for a family..

Can I ask you if you think you're better now than last year same time? I really think I am as when I think back to last summer I felt like I was sort of down a tunnel, like I was mentally removed and weird. The problem I still have is that things still feel unfamiliar, and I easily remove my mind from my body and then I start to freak out, and I also don't know if I'm "me", my identity isn't really that well glued together.


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## society's parasite (May 13, 2012)

It seems like you two have found each other's friendship here...
i can well realte to valleyGirl, although i have no children, my life has fallen apart in another way: i'm out of work, my family says i have gone insane because i'm not who i used to be, and they have turned away, as have all my friends. I have lost my money and savings and now live off a loan. (this already is enough for people to turn away in disgust:...oohh...what a loser...). I moved to a village close to my parents, who don't want to see me anyway, and i live next to two psychopaths which has cost me two years of verbal abuse, threats and a LOT of agony because of all the noise they make, in total disrespect for me and in total ignorance of all the talks with police and housing corporation which have taken place.

These circumstances strangely enough have made my DP much worse instead of sending me into action; i usually just want to be dead instead of going out looking for work etcetera. Of course the few people i still sometimes talk to, tell me i have no change for work, i'm too old and so on.
I just dissociate from everything . No one cares anyway, the people around me are all too busy talking negative about me anyway. I have no friends whatsoever, no one ever calls me, the people i sometimes used to call are not interested in calling back.

I try to think ( with the help of some self-help books sometimes) how to piece back some things together, but even tying to make a plan makes me so tired that i can't think anymore. Perhaps the only two reasons i am not ending it all, are that 1. i believe in an afterlife where i will be punished even more if i quit now 2. many people will have something nasty or degrading to say when i kill myself, so in order not to pleasure them, i won't do it.

Also i, just like the others here who feel left out and lonely, would like somebody in my life and also i, sometimes long for, leaving for the wilderness. And also i sometimes wish for a DP-farm to be safe and held, to be away from this insane society and be in a better environment. At least i would not be alone, and probably even understood up to a point there...perhaps people could support each other there...

i have actually left for the wilderness some years ago and looked for exile in the impopulated north of the Scottish Highlands. a year later i tried to find it in the South of Spain. But i missed real support,friends and understanding..i missed a safe place to belong and return to..basic safety was a key factor missing, unless i kid myself.

As for York and ValleyGirl, it seems like you two found each other here. It seems like you could be real good & healing friends to each other. Why don't you hook up in "real" life!
And as for a Dp-(welcoming-)farm, as a matter of fact i have looked into that 2 years ago already and could not find one anywhere in Europe, USA or Canada, the only things i found would coast like $ 10.000 a month or so. That is not my vision, i think of a place where people can sort of do voluntary work and live there, or pay whatever they can afford. I have a kind of vision of:
- healthy living there, in a place far away from unhealthy society; 
-working the land for structure and reconnecting with earth; 
-living on a diet of wholesome foods without intoxicating substances; 
-being able to share the things which trouble us and thus create new friendships;
-having some caring professional(s) to watch over things and us and provide physical/emotional/mental therapy for us without being belittling or stupid.

Utopia? No! In the beginning of the nineties, i have spent two years in such a place. It was set up by a rich lady who was a professional therapist and she had bought an estate in order to help people. It was not government-funded or anything. There was a team of cooks and a few assistant therapists also living there with their families. We were like one big family. (Max. about 50 people and min. about 25 were there for a short or long period of time, to recover from things, find some peace,find some healthy structure, or work through some issues.It all somehow happened in quite a natural way.)
Although I and all of us had to face our pain, it was really good for my health and taught me a lot about healthy living, and about the human mind/soul.
Unfortunately, the founder lady has deceased of old age some years ago and the place is no more.

So yes, i recognize this yearning for safety and nurturing, i need it too. And yes,i also feel this yearning for getting away, living on a farm, sheltered for a while..maybe this is an instinct, something primal, which is telling what is good for us.

And so yes, i think it would be a real good idea if such a plcae would exist or be brought into existance.
Why not search for it and keep each other informed? Or even create a plan to found a place like that? I'm in!
I think there should be places like that around the world for people with DP and others who want to make more out of their lives.

I hope we can communicate about this,
and as for you two, again, i think it might really help you if you would connect together in the world outside of the PC!

With greetings & all the best,

S.P.


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## easypeasy (Jun 13, 2012)

I can talk to you about your problems if you'd like. via skype text chat or aim or facebook chat if you'd like. I'm sure I can relate on some level and it might help you out. Just let me know.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

society said:


> It seems like you two have found each other's friendship here...
> i can well realte to valleyGirl, although i have no children, my life has fallen apart in another way: i'm out of work, my family says i have gone insane because i'm not who i used to be, and they have turned away, as have all my friends. I have lost my money and savings and now live off a loan. (this already is enough for people to turn away in disgust:...oohh...what a loser...). I moved to a village close to my parents, who don't want to see me anyway, and i live next to two psychopaths which has cost me two years of verbal abuse, threats and a LOT of agony because of all the noise they make, in total disrespect for me and in total ignorance of all the talks with police and housing corporation which have taken place.
> 
> These circumstances strangely enough have made my DP much worse instead of sending me into action; i usually just want to be dead instead of going out looking for work etcetera. Of course the few people i still sometimes talk to, tell me i have no change for work, i'm too old and so on.
> ...


That place you stayed sounds amazing. Where I live, there is a very similar model called communes. But most of them are weirdly religious set ups and you don't know about them unless you join the cult and are on the inside. Not really anything for normal people who just need healing. It is an amazing idea and I swear that if I ever get enough money, I will open a place like this. A little paradise. Somewhere that people can just come to rest and heal. Somewhere that we are free from any kind of stress. Where we can live in peace.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

York said:


> Thank you, it means a lot to know someone out there understands We're both obviously in a bit of a mess, life sure is harder than I ever imagined.
> 
> I agree we should have had some place to go and get some real rest. I wish there was a way to push a pause button, so one could go away and relax without having to think about people left behind.. Last summer I went on "vacation" by myself, I was desperate and used my savings (not much!) to go away to find some peace. I ended up just feeling very lonely and awkward, I think it would have worked better if I was with someone else with dp. I wish there was a dp farm or something (ha ha), where one could have some routine but still be away from all the stress of having to care for a family..
> 
> Can I ask you if you think you're better now than last year same time? I really think I am as when I think back to last summer I felt like I was sort of down a tunnel, like I was mentally removed and weird. The problem I still have is that things still feel unfamiliar, and I easily remove my mind from my body and then I start to freak out, and I also don't know if I'm "me", my identity isn't really that well glued together.


Well I am better in ways, not in others. As far as dp symptoms and severity, I am light years better. Last summer I would still have extremely bad dp, days that were just constant perceptual shifts that I couldn't tolerate except to vegetate in front of the tv. Back then I still had a list of things I "couldn't do" because of dp like travel alone, etc. All of that is gone. All of my dp symptoms are gone and I just have mild dr now. BUT in my memory, those days seemed more real and full of light than now. And I suppose that makes sense. It was this time last year that everything started going right in my life and God was pouring one blessing after another on me. I was given the ability to get out of my ex's house and be on my own and for a while it felt like I was seeing the world anew, that everything was waiting to be explored and conquered. Much like teens feel after high school. And that lasted for a couple of months when I was in another state, seeing friends a lot, etc. But then I lost the close friendship I had there and it's been kind of downhill from there. I've been back in a funk of sorts for like 4 months or so. I feel like I've retreated back into the unreal cloud of dp. Those few months seem clearer and more real than the past few have been. It's odd to think about now.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

easypeasy said:


> I can talk to you about your problems if you'd like. via skype text chat or aim or facebook chat if you'd like. I'm sure I can relate on some level and it might help you out. Just let me know.


Thank you


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