# DR/OCD



## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi everyone

My name's Tom from little old New Zealand
After almost 10 years of being free from DP/DR I think its back again and i'm scared as shit. Like a lot of people mine was induced by smoking weed when I was about 17. I consider myself very lucky in that it only stayed around for a few months and then with very minor syptoms that pop up now and then which I could manage. I seemed to get good relief from diazapam along with anti depressants and CBT thereapy. I've been fine for years yet always had a fear it would come back and it looks like it has. I've also been diagnosed with pure OCD (no physical compulsions)

Over the last few weeks i've been getting fairly minor panic attacks but just brushed them off as just being caused from stess at work (I work in mental health if you can believe it!)I also watched the movie "eXistenZ" which deals with the nature of reality, free will, conciousness etc which freaked me out for a while. I'm quite a deep thinker and do enjoy reading about things such as that but I think it's not a good idea anymore. I also wouldn't recommend seeing the Matrix or "Being John Malkovich"









On Monday I woke up at about 4am from a very intense and vivid dream and had this overwelming feeling of panic and fear. I felt "trapped in my head" if that makes any sense? I thought of being stuck in my head and like my thoughts were so loud that I can't escape them. I sort of call it "constant thinking" like i'm always aware of every single thought i'm having. Time also seems to go slower. I took one of my dads clonazapam and it kinda calmed me a bit but I still don't feel right, like i'm about to loose it completely. I saw my doctor who prescribed diazapam but these don't seem to do much at all which is scaring me as they worked so well in the past and got me out of the hell. Now i'm freaking out that i'm not going to get better and loose everything thats good in my life ; my ability to work, my friends, my psyique that I have built up over the years from all the exercise I do (it's vain I know but it gives me something positive to obsess over).

I have these weird thoughts that cause me extreme panic and they sorta just keep poping in every minute. I get this thought that i'm dead or have died which I know is crazy but then I get paniky that I had that thought and think i'm crazy but then I keep saying.. what if? what if ? and then the cycle continues. I only had that thought while I smoked weed all those years ago but now its back. I just wish I could shut my brain off!

Is it normal to feel constantly on edge in a state of panic and isn't it weird that the benzo's arent really doing anything? I haven't been able to sleep the last few nights, maybe 1 or 2 hours max, i'm scared i'm going to fully loose it from lack of sleep. Man life sucks sometimes








Thanks for listening


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## kpaiva (Dec 17, 2010)

I'm really sorry that it has come back for you. I can't remember a time when I was free of DP/DR.

What you said here:
*I felt "trapped in my head" if that makes any sense? I thought of being stuck in my head and like my thoughts were so loud that I can't escape them. I sort of call it "constant thinking" like i'm always aware of every single thought i'm having. Time also seems to go slower. I took one of my dads clonazapam and it kinda calmed me a bit but I still don't feel right, like i'm about to loose it completely.*

That is something that is very very regular for me. I feel trapped in my head. I also feel like the concept of being a human or being me is overwhelming. And I feel that I will never truly be free. I also am afraid that I am stuck in dreams, very similar to your panic surrounding the thought that you may be dead. I don't know if the drug is not working or just hasn't started working yet. When did you start taking it? Did the doctor give you a heads up about when it is/isn't supposed to be working? If you think there is something wrong, then I would definitely speak to your doctor, as he/she is the only one who can assess that.

I think a large part of DP/DR is learning to trust your own concept of reality, to have faith in what you see as reality. Like I said before, I am not expert on DP/DR, as I have not conquered it. But, people who reassure me that my concept of reality is solid have always really helped. Also, doing such in therapy can help control it. The DP/DR cause that panic. So, once you get the DP/DR more under control, then the panic should dissapate or become less intense. It is so different for every person that it is hard to say. But, I recommend talking to your doctor. And, keeping an ongoing list of things that help you. When I have a particularly intense episode, I like to text one certain friend, telling him what is happening. I know it may sound overly simple or stupid, but knowing that someone knows I'm not "in reality" helps. It also helps ground me more, as I feel like I'm connecting with someone. Music helps, too. Try to combat the DP/DR with positive elements. I know, in the past, exercise has PERSONALLY not helped me because it makes me feel more trapped in my body. But, everyone reacts differently. Maybe exercise would heighten connection for you.


Tommyboy said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> My name's Tom from little old New Zealand
> After almost 10 years of being free from DP/DR I think its back again and i'm scared as shit. Like a lot of people mine was induced by smoking weed when I was about 17. I consider myself very lucky in that it only stayed around for a few months and then with very minor syptoms that pop up now and then which I could manage. I seemed to get good relief from diazapam along with anti depressants and CBT thereapy. I've been fine for years yet always had a fear it would come back and it looks like it has. I've also been diagnosed with pure OCD (no physical compulsions)
> ...


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## JenS (Jul 10, 2011)

Tommy, I can relate too, and I know exactly what you mean by the "constant" thinking and being stuck in your own thoughts. I'm totally aware of all the thoughts I'm having, so I can never just relax. It's just all so freaky. My dp recently came back too, so I just hold on to the belief that it can go away again, no matter how scary it seems. It's our mind playing tricks on us and we are not going crazy. We do need to sleep though, so if your meds aren't working, I would let the doctor know. Different things work for different people. Jen


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Thanks for the adviceThings are pretty much the same, had a real freak out a few hours ago and kept thinkning I was dead or in a dream. Thats crazy right?



> I don't know if the drug is not working or just hasn't started working yet. When did you start taking it? Did the doctor give you a heads up about when it is/isn't supposed to be working?


. 
I only saw my GP and he's new so doesn't know my whole history. He said take 3 of the diazapam daily (they're 5mg) but they don't do much at all. The lorazapam I took on Tuesday morning worked a bit better I think and apparently they're 10 x as strong. I just feel like doping myself up to get some relief from this constant suffering but I know I could get addicted. I also don't have a lot of faith in my GP's knowledge of psychiatric drugs as he's not a psychiatrist so i'm going to and make an appointment with one asap.

Its weird cos I don't have as bad feelings of DP such as the foggyness and unreal feelings, I just have the constant thinking and ruminating, guess thats the OCD side of me? I did get about 5 or 6 hours sleep last night which was one small positive. I know its only been 4 days of this but how can anyone live like this for any long period of time? I must be pretty weak compared to some of you guys who've had it for months or years!


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

Hi Tommy

I'm also new and from lil ol New Zealand. Been hsving very similar issues to you, the dp/dr has returned after about 12 years free from it (i'm 38). Triggered by major stress and a virus.

I've had it for about two months now, accompanied by extreme panic and depression.

Haven't slept much in that time either.

I hope I can get it under control cos it really is hellish.

Good luck and see you around the site!


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## Tommyboy (Jul 20, 2011)

Hope you feel better soon jojo









I just woke up , went to bed at about 1pm, it's 4 am here in NZ and my mind is going a mile a minute. Just took 2 5mg of diazapam cos I want some relief from this hell. I keep thinkning i'm stuck in some sort of bad dream or nightmare. I'm staying at my parents at the momnent, my mum hates me going on this site and think it makes me worse but I think it helps to convince myself i'm not going crazy but I still have the thought "what if I am stuck in a dream or dead"? It's weird cos yesterday for a brief split second I had the thought "Its just my OCD//Anxiery/DP and I think I believed and said "fuck it i'll just get on with my life anyway"
but now I keep having the doubt about my existence and that i'm stuck like this forever but then I doubted that!

I tried to keep myself distracted yesterday, went and watched my freind play soccer and then went over to his and his girlfriends place and watched southpark to try and take my mind of it but I kinda feel like i'm forcing myself to laugh and that i'm still aware of every single thought i'm having. I bet that if someone asked them "how did Tom seem today?" They would say "He seemed fine, he was laughing and chatting away and seemed normal" but inside my mind I was still stuck. It pretty much feels like i'm permnantly stoned but back then I could always tell myself "just wait 3 hours and it will wear off" but this is 24/7. I feel like I dont even know what it would mean to feel normal again, like how is our conciousneses supposed to work?. I know its normal to be self aware sometimes such as "i'm thinking that i'm thinking" but i' doind that 24/7. What happens to our sense of self when we're not self aware like when we get really absorbed in something and time just seems to fly by? But then I think "fuck I haven't thought about thinking" if that makes an sense? I honestly can't see how this can go away. I don't think i'm suicidal but I've told myself id have to kill myself if it stays like this forever. I'm sort of counting the days, since i've had it, it's only been 5 days and I just hope i'll wake up one day and feel normal but then I don't know what normal is supposed to be!

Peace
Tom


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## jojo72 (Jul 12, 2011)

Tom I know exactly how you feel. It is hellish
Read the recovery threads on this site, but stay away from the negative stuff. They make me feel way worse!
Also i find magnesium helps tale the edge off.
I hope you can sleep tonight matie
Kia kaha 
Jojo


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