# I don't know how it started...



## illusivlea (Apr 2, 2008)

Hi,

Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you to this community and the people in it for being open and sharing their experiences. I only came across the word 'depersonalization' very recently while searching the net.

My experience with my own mind is a very intense one. Often I feel like my mind is broken and if I just find out one piece of information or learn something new then maybe everything will make sense and I won't have to feel this way anymore. Don't get me wrong...I do love the journey so far that has been my life. My focus for myself at the moment is more based on trying to accept my own mind and myself rather than trying to 'fix' it or 'change' it. Sometimes this is easier said than done though.

I have not been diagnosed with depersonalization but from the bits and pieces I have read I know that I relate to aspects of this disorder and feel I may possibly have it. I would appreciate any feed back and support as I have found that although I do love my mind, one of the hardest things is living with a mind that feels so seperate and disconnected from the world around me.

I feel like I think in a different way than other people, I have recently started thinking that I remmember in a different way than other people aswell. While I am blessed to have alot of friends, I feel alone. It is kind of different than being lonely, as I'm often surrounded by good people but feel as though I am by myself. I try to snap out of this by focusing on objects and conversations that are around me but this doesn't usually work well. I try to not think inwardly, but of course the instant that we are aware of our thinking processes we are thinking inwardly.

I feel as though no-one knows the real me, and as though no-one really understands me. I don't want to go through my whole life feeling like this forever. I don't want to be the kind of person where someone really has to try and try and try to get to know. Why should someone have to try and try and try to get to know me? It shouldn't be that hard.

Reading over a few of the posts it seems as though alot of people in this community experienced some sort of turning point in their lives where everything became different? Is there anyone who can't remmember ever not having this feeling.

I can't remmember back to a time in my life where I didn't feel as though I were watching my life rather than just living it. Primary School was traumatic for me. The worst incident was when several girls beat me up. This was not taken seriously by my teacher and I just got on with life and tried to be brave and pretend it never happened. I don't know if this could have been an incident that affected how I am socially for the rest of my life or if this incident happened because of how I was socially in the first place.

As a small child I used to absolutely hate being put to sleep. I used to have alot of nightmares and became obsessed with the thought that someone or something may be in the room with me. This along with other bits and pieces have made me wonder if something bad may have happened to me when I was very young that I can not remmember or could not make sense of at the time. However, it feels dangerous to even allow myself to think of these possibilities as I don't think that I will ever really know the answer. I'm also aware of being paranoid.

I know I have anxiety. I have alot of trouble looking people in the eyes. I feel a need to prevent people from seeing what I am thinking, and sometimes I feel like I can see what they are thinking and doing so sends my mind into a whole different tangent and takes me away from the moment I am in.

I want to live more in the moment that I am in for the people who I am sharing that moment with.

I feel blah about alot of things. I have to remind myself of my relationships with people and that I am an important person in some other peoples lives. When I remind myself I can see how I am a part in other peoples lives but naturally I don't 'feel' it. Does this make sense? I wish that I cared and felt more.

I have had found myself in situations such as looking down and realising that I am walking down the hall, then reminding myself that I am going to brush my teeth, then thinking 'ah maybe I should have a shower', but then realising that I already have a towel wrapped around me and that there are drops of water on my arms as I have just already had one.

I had an incident where I was walking late at night with three friends who were all male and I was in deep thought about things that weren't happening in the moment I was in. One of the guys started hassling me. I do not remmember what he was saying. He has a very crass sense of humour and when he was hassling me I knew what he was saying to me was jokingly derrogatory. I couldn't handle the unwanted attention and started walking very very fast ahead of him and my other friends. I just started walking and walking, at one stage he came up behind me, I think to ask if I was ok, and I threw his jacket at him and kept on walking. After awhile it was like my eyes suddenly opened to the environment that was around me and I realised that I had walked down a totally different street in a different direction to where I was supposed to be going. I feel embarassed to have acted this way when I can't remmember what he said to trigger me into the state I was in in the first place.

I watch whole movies and can't remmember what I watched because really I was sitting in front of the TV with my eyes focussed in that direction but what I see triggers so many thoughts and pictures in my mind that my mind ends up feeling like it is racing so fast that all the thoughts are going by so fast that I can't grab hold of any of them. So effectively the thoughts equate to nothingness.

My memory is shocking when it comes to finding my way around when I drive. Even streets I drive down all the time can look unfamiliar. I end up getting anxiety when there are other people in the car with me because I think they will think there is something wrong with me when I can't find my way from A to B in an area that they know I have driven through many times. The anxiety about this makes things worse.

I have been called 'vacant', 'illusive', 'evasive', 'ambiguos', 'wierd' and 'retarded'. So I do feel that maybe this is not all in my own mind as it has become apparant to me that other people notice I am a little bit odd sometimes too. Because I feel different I have taken great pains to try and hide this. I think I am usually quite successful in this, but I feel like a fake sometimes and an outsider, I am extremely quiet in some situations.

I have seen photo's of myself where my eyes are rolled back and I look in my oppinion like I am possessed. And, I wonder if this is me deeply disassociated.

Has anyone tried meditation as a way of coping with dissassociation/depersonalisation? Has this been successful?

I find that sometimes I just feel like I urgently need something to focus my eyes on. Like something I am allowed to stare at. I nearly always carry a pen and paper with me so that I can draw, etc and have my mind appear to be focussing on a piece of paper when it is wondering far off in the distance. I hate to think what life might be like without creative outlets.

Well, I shall continue reading people's stories around this forum, thank you if you have just taken the time to read a bit of mine.


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## power (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi my nameis Dawn and I live in Melbourne Australia.

I really feel for you because I have experienced the same things you talk about but this has been a lifetime thing for me.

I have tried many things to get better and get on with my life but kept falling into this dark hole but no one has been able to cure me. They have touched on many surfaces and I have grown in many ways but still this dark place existed

Until 2 years ago I came across a homeopath and finally after many remedies I feel we have found the core remedy for the core problem.
The remedy is called Hydrogen.

may sound strange but if you know anything about chemistry (which I dont') Hydrogen stands on its on apart from the periodical table.

Which is exaxtly how I felt.

There are web sites to look up on Homeopathic Hydrogen to read and if you relate I suggest you find a constitutional homeopath to help you.

Hope this helps because for the first time in this lifetime I feel together, strong and sane.

Good luck

Love and light

Dawn


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## iamgrace (May 7, 2008)

hey there! I am new today on this forum, I want to tell you this is new to me , depersonalization, I did experience it for a feww weeks and it is as scary as heck! never experienced anything like this in my life, you are not alone, you are not wierd you are not crazy, nor different, you know that right? and you will find your way you are smart, please check out this site ok?http://www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/depersonalization.html perhaps it can help you as it helped me, but what helped most was Faith in GOd, to help me...and he guided me on how to help myself.
I wouldnt do the meditation thing ...I just wouldnt recommend it, light , light relaxation would be better, see meditation is abit too deep and perhaps you and I are ultra sensitive to some things s, well meditation really made me feel detached so , but that was just me...

Hang in there!!!!


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