# My intrusive obsession about psychosis is ruining my life



## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

Hey I have had DPDR for a little over a year now due to a panic attack, it has been hard with intrusive thoughts, overwhelming, and anxiety/anxiety attacks, but not nearly as scary as what I am going through now.

Over 1 month ago or maybe 2 I have been constantly obsessed and terrified about getting schitzophrenia or psychosis, it started out with me sensing something weird idk how to explain it and I freaked out since then I have been terrified and obsessed over becoming schitzo.

everyday it’s like my brain is hyper vigilant searching for psychosis in everything almost constantly, making me invent delusions in my mind like my family is going to kill my brother etc I don’t believe or expect it to happen but I feel it and I don’t know if I believe it or not and I can’t fucking stand this shit anymore it’s terrible, scary as fuck and almost unbearable I have had no hallucinations at all btw and I’ve never had it either nor do I act on my obsessions. I also have strange sensations in my body like tingly sensations etc in my stomach when I focus on people’s hands (weird I know) but not scary I have no family history of schitzophrenia except for my great grandmother who was believed to be psychotic. Does anyone have any tips or has anyone been trough similar or same stuff and I don’t need to hear crazy ppl don’t know they are crazy etc. but this is imparing my daily functioning and I am tiered of the constant bs and getting drunk 2 times a week over this


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## Eugenie90 (Dec 5, 2021)

Hi! I can definitely relate to this, though my obsession was mainly with the thought of having and dying from a brain tumor. I do also at times fear Ioosing my mind and have weird intrusive thoughts about that which cause me a lot of anxiety. As an example I was waiting for my psychologist in his waiting room, but he never showed up for the appointment. Instead of thinking that he just forgot about the appointment I started obsessing about the possibility of having lost my mind and never actually having an appointment at all. In my mind I had just walked into a random waiting room and sat down there. This was of course not the case. My psychologist had in fact just forgot about the appointment. 

It is quite common sith DPDR to obsess and ruminate about possibly developing some kind of disease, be it physical or mental, Maybe to explain the symptoms. I don`t know about you but I had hypochondriac and anxious tendensies all the way back to early childhood. I completly get how terrifying the symptoms of DPDR can feel, but I do not believe you are actually loosing your mind, you seem to come across very rational in your post. The delusions you invent in your mind could sound a lot like intrusive thoughts, they can be very scary to have, but they are probably not harmful. I also get the need to self medicate with alcohol, seeing as I developed a problem with alcohol because I wanted to run away from my DPDR. I don`t know if you see a psychologist, but maybe it could be of help to you to have another outlet. I personally wish I would have seen one a lot soner than I did.

If you can afford it Lars Dehli in Oslo works with DPDR. This is his webpage:Psykolog Dehli

also, if interested, an article he has written about dissociation.





Kognitiv terapi ved depersonalisering og derealisasjon


Depersonalisering og derealisasjon er plager som ofte opptrer sekundært til andre psykiske lidelser. Kognitiv terapi som kombinerer kjente intervensjoner fra behandling av panikkangst og sosial fobi, har vist god effekt.




psykologtidsskriftet.no


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## cacophony (May 28, 2012)

I can relate to all these things to be honest with you. I've been free from symptoms of DPDR for like 5 years now, and this is the first time im checking these forums in all these years since then.
My main struggles in 2014-2015 was exactly like you're describing it. I obsessed over becoming psychotic and had awful intrusive thoughts where I would panic over losing control and eventually killing my girfriend or someone else I loved, its like those thoughts just came from nowhere and manifested themselves vividly in my head, and resulting in me just isolating myself more and more. 
Overall, it felt like my mind were constantly over analyzing things, like my senses was jacked up to maximum.

Nowadays I'm doing much better, and I havent had any symptoms for a long time. 
all I can say is hang in there mate, get professional help if you feel like it, but try to work through it individually as well. do things that makes you feel grounded, socialize, and try to think objectively


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

cacophony said:


> I can relate to all these things to be honest with you. I've been free from symptoms of DPDR for like 5 years now, and this is the first time im checking these forums in all these years since then.
> My main struggles in 2014-2015 was exactly like you're describing it. I obsessed over becoming psychotic and had awful intrusive thoughts where I would panic over losing control and eventually killing my girfriend or someone else I loved, its like those thoughts just came from nowhere and manifested themselves vividly in my head, and resulting in me just isolating myself more and more.
> Overall, it felt like my mind were constantly over analyzing things, like my senses was jacked up to maximum.
> 
> ...


Definetly good to know and thanks for your reply!, and congratualtaions of being out of the “fog”🌫!


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## Trith (Dec 31, 2019)

I am not sure I can help, but I have experienced some of what you described. I do sometimes have "impulse phobia" (I don't know the actual name in English). Like when I hold a knife (like when I am cooking) next to someone, i often can help thinking of what would happen if I stabbed them, or this kind of thing. It happens mostly, if not only with loved ones. I am 37, and I do remember it was worse as a teenager. I had also the fear that my mother would want to poison me, and currently I sometimes have the fear that someone would push me on the tracks when the metro arrives. I know these two things are different from what you described, but in my case I put them in the same category as my fear of stabbing people. So it is kind of fear of my own craziness and other people's crazyness. But I have to say that it never caused me to be too afraid of it, especially fear if my own impulses because I recognized from a young age that this was very irrational and also that it is quite frequent. Knowing the name of it also helped (so despite what people say: thank you internet). So although it is still quite unpleasant, I don't obsess about it not think I am really going to act on it. For fear of other people's craziness it is a bit different, i don't obsess about it but I do step away from the tracks and check a bit that there is no one behind me, but that doesn't ruin my life. I just observe it as a strange phenomenon, that I think is mostly related to obsessive compulsive disorder.
But closer to the topic, during my first years of dpdr, i got very afraid of having schizophrenia. This made my dpdr get worse. I had really weird feelings, and as my depersonalization got worse (mostly dp caused this) I entered a vicious cycle where this would in turn make my fear of having schizophrenia get even worse. And I don't really remember how it got better. I think that after a while I just got bored with it, which is strange. It took me about a year or two. But the peak was maybe a few months (but it doesn't have to be that long for everyone, i am sure). I think after a while, seeing that hallucinations were never coming, I admitted that this couldn't be psychosis. Sometimes I did think that some things I felt couldn't count as hallucinations, but i really had to acknowledge that it had nothing to do with what psychotic people describe. It was more tripping over my own dpdr symptoms.
So I was free of that for some years, and now that I think of it, it might have stopped when I finished university. It was a kkind of stressful environment, and being in a classroom always made me obsess about something, who knows why. So I have been free of that for something like 8 or 10 years. And the weird thing is that a couple years ago I did get hallucinations as a reaction to an antidepressant (which is quite rare apparently), and I was absolutely not afraid of it, I just recognized it as a side effect of the medicine. My psychiatrist at the time told me as a result that I might have schizo-affective disorder (which turned out not to be the case). This did cause me to experience some dp for a couple weeks (or it was the onset of the medication he gave me) whereas at that time I had mostly DR on the long term and mild dp experiences sometimes. But in no way did it cause me to be as afraid as I was during my university years, and this is quite puzzling to me. As if the actual (somehow probable) diagnosis was something different from what I had been afraid of during my university years. I think I just thought "if I have that thing, so be it" and also that after several years if having that, I was confident that my symptoms were never going through the roof completely. They had been high sometimes, but they always go back to a stability line. So now I know my symptoms and whatever the name of the disease I know what my experience is and will be, I know it is almost always the same, doesn't get worse on the long term and as weird as it sounds I trust it, I am confident it always goes back to it's baseline. After the lockdown I had an increased feeling if DR for a week or two and couldn't care less about it as I knew it would go back to the baseline eventually, and it did. So I think what helped me was to get used to my symptoms and start to trust that they were going nowhere terrible on the long term, no matter how terrible some time limitted experiences I have had in the past. But took le some time.
If you think that your problems could be related to obsessive compulsive disorder, you may want to try cognitive behavioral therapy, as I have heard it can be quite efficient for that, although I couldnt find a decent therapist in my area to try it seriously. I have also heard that SSRI antidepressants can be very helpful for OCD as well. Despite their name, antidepressants are used for many other things than depression (like OCD and different forms of anxiety).


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## leminaseri (Jul 1, 2020)

Trith said:


> I am not sure I can help, but I have experienced some of what you described. I do sometimes have "impulse phobia" (I don't know the actual name in English). Like when I hold a knife (like when I am cooking) next to someone, i often can help thinking of what would happen if I stabbed them, or this kind of thing. It happens mostly, if not only with loved ones. I am 37, and I do remember it was worse as a teenager. I had also the fear that my mother would want to poison me, and currently I sometimes have the fear that someone would push me on the tracks when the metro arrives. I know these two things are different from what you described, but in my case I put them in the same category as my fear of stabbing people. So it is kind of fear of my own craziness and other people's crazyness. But I have to say that it never caused me to be too afraid of it, especially fear if my own impulses because I recognized from a young age that this was very irrational and also that it is quite frequent. Knowing the name of it also helped (so despite what people say: thank you internet). So although it is still quite unpleasant, I don't obsess about it not think I am really going to act on it. For fear of other people's craziness it is a bit different, i don't obsess about it but I do step away from the tracks and check a bit that there is no one behind me, but that doesn't ruin my life. I just observe it as a strange phenomenon, that I think is mostly related to obsessive compulsive disorder.
> But closer to the topic, during my first years of dpdr, i got very afraid of having schizophrenia. This made my dpdr get worse. I had really weird feelings, and as my depersonalization got worse (mostly dp caused this) I entered a vicious cycle where this would in turn make my fear of having schizophrenia get even worse. And I don't really remember how it got better. I think that after a while I just got bored with it, which is strange. It took me about a year or two. But the peak was maybe a few months (but it doesn't have to be that long for everyone, i am sure). I think after a while, seeing that hallucinations were never coming, I admitted that this couldn't be psychosis. Sometimes I did think that some things I felt couldn't count as hallucinations, but i really had to acknowledge that it had nothing to do with what psychotic people describe. It was more tripping over my own dpdr symptoms.
> So I was free of that for some years, and now that I think of it, it might have stopped when I finished university. It was a kkind of stressful environment, and being in a classroom always made me obsess about something, who knows why. So I have been free of that for something like 8 or 10 years. And the weird thing is that a couple years ago I did get hallucinations as a reaction to an antidepressant (which is quite rare apparently), and I was absolutely not afraid of it, I just recognized it as a side effect of the medicine. My psychiatrist at the time told me as a result that I might have schizo-affective disorder (which turned out not to be the case). This did cause me to experience some dp for a couple weeks (or it was the onset of the medication he gave me) whereas at that time I had mostly DR on the long term and mild dp experiences sometimes. But in no way did it cause me to be as afraid as I was during my university years, and this is quite puzzling to me. As if the actual (somehow probable) diagnosis was something different from what I had been afraid of during my university years. I think I just thought "if I have that thing, so be it" and also that after several years if having that, I was confident that my symptoms were never going through the roof completely. They had been high sometimes, but they always go back to a stability line. So now I know my symptoms and whatever the name of the disease I know what my experience is and will be, I know it is almost always the same, doesn't get worse on the long term and as weird as it sounds I trust it, I am confident it always goes back to it's baseline. After the lockdown I had an increased feeling if DR for a week or two and couldn't care less about it as I knew it would go back to the baseline eventually, and it did. So I think what helped me was to get used to my symptoms and start to trust that they were going nowhere terrible on the long term, no matter how terrible some time limitted experiences I have had in the past. But took le some time.
> If you think that your problems could be related to obsessive compulsive disorder, you may want to try cognitive behavioral therapy, as I have heard it can be quite efficient for that, although I couldnt find a decent therapist in my area to try it seriously. I have also heard that SSRI antidepressants can be very helpful for OCD as well. Despite their name, antidepressants are used for many other things than depression (like OCD and different forms of anxiety).


for me, both times in my life, the fear of going psychotic triggered my dpdr. the weird thing is, after acknowledging that i wont be schizophrenic, the symptoms got better, but did not disappear fully. human brain is weird.


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

leminaseri said:


> for me, both times in my life, the fear of going psychotic triggered my dpdr. the weird thing is, after acknowledging that i wont be schizophrenic, the symptoms got better, but did not disappear fully. human brain is weird.


It’s stressing me the fuck out atm some strange thought felt «very» real and i started panicing convincing myself i have psychosis it is horrofying pure torture idk what to do. I just don’t wanna go psychotic. How real did it feel for you ?


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

leminaseri said:


> for me, both times in my life, the fear of going psychotic triggered my dpdr. the weird thing is, after acknowledging that i wont be schizophrenic, the symptoms got better, but did not disappear fully. human brain is weird.


I am constantly afraid of delusions


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

And this felt delusional idk What to do


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

I am also afraid when i hear cars crossing the street due to this shit


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## leminaseri (Jul 1, 2020)

Kasper01 said:


> It’s stressing me the fuck out atm some strange thought felt «very» real and i started panicing convincing myself i have psychosis it is horrofying pure torture idk what to do. I just don’t wanna go psychotic. How real did it feel for you ?


very very real you can check my old posts


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

leminaseri said:


> very very real you can check my old posts


 Lol dude 2 months for me too




leminaseri said:


> I've been thinking about nothing but going crazy or schizophrenic for two months. meanwhile I feel better can even work 2 times a week and do something with friends and I sleep well. even if the dpdr kicks in full. but what concerns me is that I sometimes feel totally funny so crazy feelings and my thoughts get totally confused. I suddenly think 10 things at once or when I think about a thing I think about 5 ideas at once. Is this perhaps a sign of incipient schizophrenia?


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

But What sucks for me is that i convince myself to think delusional thoughts like (rat ppl Are out to kill me bc ive discovered their secret its crazy and frels so real expecially when im anxious laugh all you want bc i know its funny tho) im so on Edge that i become scared af when a car drives by my house but i never act on it nor do i expect anything to actually happen and atm i feel like everyone is an animal lol like a kids tv showXD i miss being carefree so i will definetly be praying about this soon (with actually helps Even when i have fogotten i Even prayed) but its not long term or more than a day im so damn stuck and tiered


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## NomdeGuerra (Jan 4, 2019)

Sounds like Pure O….


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## Kasper01 (Dec 18, 2021)

NomdeGuerra said:


> Sounds like Pure O….


I think so too because i have had a few diffrent obsession themes since i got Dpdr but thats common and is actually a symptom of dpdr


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

Kasper01 said:


> Hey I have had DPDR for a little over a year now due to a panic attack, it has been hard with intrusive thoughts, overwhelming, and anxiety/anxiety attacks, but not nearly as scary as what I am going through now.
> 
> Over 1 month ago or maybe 2 I have been constantly obsessed and terrified about getting schitzophrenia or psychosis, it started out with me sensing something weird idk how to explain it and I freaked out since then I have been terrified and obsessed over becoming schitzo.
> 
> everyday it’s like my brain is hyper vigilant searching for psychosis in everything almost constantly, making me invent delusions in my mind like my family is going to kill my brother etc I don’t believe or expect it to happen but I feel it and I don’t know if I believe it or not and I can’t fucking stand this shit anymore it’s terrible, scary as fuck and almost unbearable I have had no hallucinations at all btw and I’ve never had it either nor do I act on my obsessions. I also have strange sensations in my body like tingly sensations etc in my stomach when I focus on people’s hands (weird I know) but not scary I have no family history of schitzophrenia except for my great grandmother who was believed to be psychotic. Does anyone have any tips or has anyone been trough similar or same stuff and I don’t need to hear crazy ppl don’t know they are crazy etc. but this is imparing my daily functioning and I am tiered of the constant bs and getting drunk 2 times a week over this


People who suffer psychosis aren't obsessed with it.. They are oblivious to it. You may suffer on your way to achieving psychosis, but if you get there, you should feel relief.


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