# Fear of suicide - OCD?



## Fearthainn

First of all I'm pretty sure I'm not sucidal, but it's a strange feeling. Like I can't be 100% sure.

Basically an episode of health anxiety around a month ago spiralled out of control and brought back these nasty DP/DR feelings (I first experienced DP/DR as a result of severe anxiety for a few months in 2009) and an extreme fear of death. I tried to tell myself it's anxiety, I already went through this once and managed to recover and enjoy life afterwards. I eventually made peace with myself thanks to a mixture of distraction and accepting that death will come to us all and it doesn't really hurt - it's just like before I was born (pardon the cliche). I felt normal again after less than two weeks, it seemed almost too easy this time.

But sure enough, after a few days my brain just thought of something new to leave me in a state of panic. At one point the thought just crossed my mind "hey, if death really is so peaceful, then what prevents me from killing myself right now?". This set all the alarm bells ringing in my head and I couldn't think of anything else for a week now. I have a daughter and a wife who I love so much, I enjoy life generally (although I struggle to remember what it feels like right now), got a few passions. The DP/DR is back and doesn't help, thoughts of "my wife and daughter will die one day too so what is the point" - not to mention the "maybe they're not even real anyway", "what am I and why should I, whatever it is, choose to live and be happy", "maybe suicide is the ultimate act of bravery".

I don't think these are actual suicidal thoughts as, despite being quite numb, I think I just want to be sure I will never do it. But then I have other thoughts popping up "I may lose control one day or just find things unbearable. I guess I am pretty depressed right now already"; "if something happens to my wife or kid I won't be able to go on"...

I feel so trapped inside my head with these thoughts. When I can think about it in a rawer way and think about not seeing my kid growing up for example I almost break down in tears. It's actually one of the strongest emotions I've felt in ages. Has anyone experienced this?


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## PositiveThinking!

Fearthainn said:


> First of all I'm pretty sure I'm not sucidal, but it's a strange feeling. Like I can't be 100% sure.
> 
> Basically an episode of health anxiety around a month ago spiralled out of control and brought back these nasty DP/DR feelings (I first experienced DP/DR as a result of severe anxiety for a few months in 2009) and an extreme fear of death. I tried to tell myself it's anxiety, I already went through this once and managed to recover and enjoy life afterwards. I eventually made peace with myself thanks to a mixture of distraction and accepting that death will come to us all and it doesn't really hurt - it's just like before I was born (pardon the cliche). I felt normal again after less than two weeks, it seemed almost too easy this time.
> 
> But sure enough, after a few days my brain just thought of something new to leave me in a state of panic. At one point the thought just crossed my mind "hey, if death really is so peaceful, then what prevents me from killing myself right now?". This set all the alarm bells ringing in my head and I couldn't think of anything else for a week now. I have a daughter and a wife who I love so much, I enjoy life generally (although I struggle to remember what it feels like right now), got a few passions. The DP/DR is back and doesn't help, thoughts of "my wife and daughter will die one day too so what is the point" - not to mention the "maybe they're not even real anyway", "what am I and why should I, whatever it is, choose to live and be happy", "maybe suicide is the ultimate act of bravery".
> 
> I don't think these are actual suicidal thoughts as, despite being quite numb, I think I just want to be sure I will never do it. But then I have other thoughts popping up "I may lose control one day or just find things unbearable. I guess I am pretty depressed right now already"; "if something happens to my wife or kid I won't be able to go on"...
> 
> I feel so trapped inside my head with these thoughts. When I can think about it in a rawer way and think about not seeing my kid growing up for example I almost break down in tears. It's actually one of the strongest emotions I've felt in ages. Has anyone experienced this?


I understand, I had suicidal thoughts 2 times, the first one was when I was extremely afraid of death and the unkown, everything that was related to that put me in an extreme high anxiety state, my mind was really tired, I couldn't think straight (I still can't sometimes) , I was just in pain, I thought I had to put an end to it soon. The second time was when I accepted death as something that's part of life just as you said, I became really numb and death wouldn't scare me anymore, yet everyday I thought like "I don't really enjoy living, I'm not really doing anything here all I feel is numbness, dying wouldn't be so bad..." , those thoughts eventually triggered something in my brain, like a wake up call, I felt really scared out of nothing and realized that didn't make any sense, I would never kill myself, later on I told everything I just said to my parents and they freaked out, they were like "How can you possibly think of death that easily? How can you consider suicide?" I tried to explain, I said that I could not feel and that it wasn't worth living that way, they never understood but I never had those thoughts again so it doesn't really matter


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## Abigail-

Im so glad im not the only one who is having these thoughts! I say to myself I dont want to die.. I dont want to commit suicide but then I get such thoughts as "dp is such a struggle and death seems so peaceful" These thoughts cause panic and make me think of how much I actually do want to live I just wish I cold rid myself of this anxiety and dp state... But its so hard when these thoughts of death and fear of suicide always linger! Its really tough but I do know exactly what you feel!


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## Fearthainn

I guess it's probably really just anxiety. Thanks guys.

The more I think about my fear the more ridiculous it seems - a fear of dying becoming a fear of killing myself?! It would make me laugh if I wasn't feeling so bad.


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## BenElger

Fearthainn said:


> First of all I'm pretty sure I'm not sucidal, but it's a strange feeling. Like I can't be 100% sure.
> 
> Basically an episode of health anxiety around a month ago spiralled out of control and brought back these nasty DP/DR feelings (I first experienced DP/DR as a result of severe anxiety for a few months in 2009) and an extreme fear of death. I tried to tell myself it's anxiety, I already went through this once and managed to recover and enjoy life afterwards. I eventually made peace with myself thanks to a mixture of distraction and accepting that death will come to us all and it doesn't really hurt - it's just like before I was born (pardon the cliche). I felt normal again after less than two weeks, it seemed almost too easy this time.
> 
> But sure enough, after a few days my brain just thought of something new to leave me in a state of panic. At one point the thought just crossed my mind "hey, if death really is so peaceful, then what prevents me from killing myself right now?". This set all the alarm bells ringing in my head and I couldn't think of anything else for a week now. I have a daughter and a wife who I love so much, I enjoy life generally (although I struggle to remember what it feels like right now), got a few passions. The DP/DR is back and doesn't help, thoughts of "my wife and daughter will die one day too so what is the point" - not to mention the "maybe they're not even real anyway", "what am I and why should I, whatever it is, choose to live and be happy", "maybe suicide is the ultimate act of bravery".
> 
> I don't think these are actual suicidal thoughts as, despite being quite numb, I think I just want to be sure I will never do it. But then I have other thoughts popping up "I may lose control one day or just find things unbearable. I guess I am pretty depressed right now already"; "if something happens to my wife or kid I won't be able to go on"...
> 
> I feel so trapped inside my head with these thoughts. When I can think about it in a rawer way and think about not seeing my kid growing up for example I almost break down in tears. It's actually one of the strongest emotions I've felt in ages. Has anyone experienced this?


Hi, I can relate to this, when my dp/anxiety started off I had thoughts like this, they would send me into a complete panic because the last thing I wanted to do was to kill myself, it gave me the feeling like I was about to lose control of myself. I don't know if you almost get the urge to do it? like a false urge, I use to feel the urge to go and take an overdose even though I really did NOT want too and other thoughts too. It was scary and it use to make me question myself a lot. These are just all irrational thoughts and they really don't mean anything, it's your brain sending you false information to scare you. I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, it's all caused by anxiety, so once the anxiety goes then these irrational thoughts should too. I don't know if I'm making any sense to you but I can relate.


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## Fearthainn

Ha, I can relate perfectly Elger. Just last night I was at the window looking at the stars... And you can probably imagine what went through my mind. I live on the 5th floor and felt this urge to jump. Not really an urge to jump, but an urge to think about jumping or not. Of course I went into panic mode, and after being frozen for a couple of minutes and even looking down as if to confront my fear and imagine it, I just got out of the room eventually and went to do something else.


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## BenElger

Fearthainn said:


> Ha, I can relate perfectly Elger. Just last night I was at the window looking at the stars... And you can probably imagine what went through my mind. I live on the 5th floor and felt this urge to jump. Not really an urge to jump, but an urge to think about jumping or not. Of course I went into panic mode, and after being frozen for a couple of minutes and even looking down as if to confront my fear and imagine it, I just got out of the room eventually and went to do something else.


It's weird you should say that because I have had exactly the same thoughts lol I know it's hard but try not to let the anxiety take over and don't look into why you're having these thoughts too much because it makes them worse I found. I don't know if you've read this book but I brought 'Hope and help for your nerves' by Dr.Claire Weekes off Amazon, I only started it yesterday but it seems to be helping me.


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## SSJ3Lotokun

I get this a lot. Suicidal thoughts that I likely have no intention of following through on. It's the reason I stopped sharing them. I think a lot about what methods are currently available to me, weighing the pros and cons of each. I guess I just like to have an escape plan. Currently it's this romanticized idea of "walking off into the sunset", just leaving everything behind and walking nonstop until dehydration or something else gets me. Probably not going to do it though.


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## babybowrain

You need to go out in nature and spend more time alone with your wife, and time with your daughter and your wife. And you need to take care of your wife better, she is troubled now and those troubles are being transfered to you somehow. This is psychic advice.


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## Fearthainn

Thanks guys.

Reading the following seems to have helped:

Free will, determinism and suicide

Particularly this section:

"It might seem that Camus' statement is far too intellectual in its approach to suicide; a person considering or actually trying to commit suicide usually does so out of despair, not as a result of reflection on whether life is worth living or not. This desperation can be a result of psychiatric disorder, drug abuse or a life crisis, and the circumstances are characterised by chaos rather than rationality."

I realise finding comfort in this is just the need for reassurance on my part again, but still... As I'm rationalising every single thought I guess I'm not ready to go just yet!


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## actor_bs

all of my DP story is somehow connected with suicide. I had suicidal thoughts from very early age and in worst periods DP came in. it's like mind puts me on stand by so I can't do any harm to myself. maybe I should thank DP that I'm alive now


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## kate_edwin

even if you arent planning on acting on suicidal thoughts, you should tell a dr or professional and talk to them so someone knows what's going on, it has the potential to be something worse and it would do you well to get help before it does that if it does that


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## carlvennt

Whenever a person is in a state of depression,he is not under the control of himself.In this context he can do something which is bad to others and even to himself which can be a case of suicide.Different types of thought comes to the mind and the persons feels that no one is there for him in this world and with this the person commits suicide.

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personal growth blog


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## user1111

What a old thread... this is why you should stay off social media because these atheists spread misinformation. Before you were born you didnt even exist bruh.


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## Chip1021

Fearthainn said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> Reading the following seems to have helped:
> 
> Free will, determinism and suicide
> 
> Particularly this section:
> 
> "It might seem that Camus' statement is far too intellectual in its approach to suicide; a person considering or actually trying to commit suicide usually does so out of despair, not as a result of reflection on whether life is worth living or not. This desperation can be a result of psychiatric disorder, drug abuse or a life crisis, and the circumstances are characterised by chaos rather than rationality."
> 
> I realise finding comfort in this is just the need for reassurance on my part again, but still... As I'm rationalising every single thought I guess I'm not ready to go just yet!


The link to that article did not work (for me, at least), though I would be interested in reading it; I would be grateful if you could send a working link if possible.

I don’t know which Camus quote this statement is referring to, but I have to imagine that whatever Camus said was probably closer to valid than this response.

Camus was probably talking about suicide and the value of life in the abstract; people who actually think about / engage in suicide are usually responding to their own personal situation, rather than reflecting on the value of life generally. Suicidal thinking is an expression that life is or may not be worth living, and suicidal people generally value life in the abstract, but may not value it in the existential state they find themselves in. The act of suicide is a future-directed act; a person ends his own life not merely as a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” but because he does not expect (rightly or wrongly) that life will become valuable again in the future. The idea that psychiatric disorders, drug abuse, or anything else “causes” suicidal thinking and behavior that is outside of the control of the actor is ridiculous. Perhaps many people end their own lives for bad reasons, perhaps they did not think it through as much or as well as they probably should have. But in the final analysis, suicide is always a choice, and it is a choice that has reasons, not causes.

Suicidal thinking is phenomenologically no different than thinking about anything else that captures a person’s attention, albeit it may be more uncomfortable and disturbing. There is no more reason to fear losing control and ending your own life because of these “intrusive” thoughts anymore than thinking you might lose control and rape somebody because you are fantasizing about them sexually.


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