# I just want a little hope



## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

As some of you know, I had a short "episode" of dp before I got full blown DPD. I had it for about a week and a half. I had no idea what was happening to me. I went to the ER twice and was blown off. I had started on prozac and just searched my symptoms and came up with Seretonin Syndrome. It fit what I was going through. The moment I found that and saw that I was going to be ok, I relaxed. I remember that moment so clearly. It was like being told you DON'T have cancer and you aren't going to die. I had hope, I knew I was going to get better and I did get better. Each day I woke up I slowly got better and better and then things leveled out. I was ALMOST better but something wasn't right. I went to the doctor and she agreed that she thought I had Seretonin Syndrome and that it would take like another week to get better. So I relaxed again and one morning I woke up and it was gone. The dp was gone. It was like I just came out of some fog. I couldn't clearly remember my experience from that dp'd time and it honestly just felt like some weird thing that happened. I went back to normal in every possible way. My sense of self was back, reality was back. I actually was able to just brush off that dp episode, as this weird thing that happened to me, and move on.

A couple of weeks went by and I started not feeling right mentally. I remember that we went to the top of Mt. Saint Helens and while we were up there, I felt very closterphobic. We were, afterall, on the top of a mountain, There was nowhere left to go. Along with that, something just felt off. We came home and went to Great Wolf Lodge and that night I laid in bed and started to go to a dark place in my mind. I feel asleep like this. I was fine the next day except that I started to have a dp episode in the water park. I pushed it off and it went away. Some number of days later, I started to have what I called "the shower coma". I would get in the shower and before I would know it, I was done showering but I had been somewhere completely different the whole time. I showered completely on autopilot. Then I started to have 30 second long dp episodes. I would start to feel that heavy fog roll over me and I was able to take control and stop it. I started having anxiety and panic attacks.

One night my (then) husband and I decided to put in for a transfer to Connecticut. I remember just feeling so weird that night. I felt so scared (but excited) for this move. I've never been to the east coast and thinking about moving there just seemed like bigger than my mind could wrap around. I was really feeling panicky so I decided to try and start on Prozac again. It was the Prozac that had given me the first episode of dp but I thought it was just an accidental overdose and that if I started on just 10mg, I would be fine. I had been on and off Prozac for the past 10 years and never had an issue starting or stopping it abruptly. So that night I was careful to only take 10mg and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and I was in hell again.

I woke up and said "it's back". It wasn't pleasant but I didn't panic. In fact, I remember thinking that it would only last a few days and it even being slightly mild in the first 2 weeks. I had hope that it would go away. Faith that it would because it did the first time. I was wrong.

Here I am, 11 months and 5 days later and I wish with every cell in my body that I could trick my brain into believing that I am going to be ok. I wish I could go back to that moment when I found Seretonin Syndrome and feel that same peace that all of this was just going to disappear. I wish that I could talk in depth with someone who recovered and actually BELIEVE them when they say it's gone. Right now, I'm so skeptical. I've heard people say they THINK they are better. I've gotten better once. You KNOW you are better. You don't think you are better. You go back into reality and there is a huge and distinct difference. At this point, I just cannot fathom what that difference feels like. It just seems so weird to be to think about being aware again. I'm not used to that. I'm used to everything feeling dreamy. I used to not knowing who I am. I'm used to having to deep breathe and telling myself 50 times a day that I know who I am and that I'm ok. Now I think about reality and it scares me and the fact that I am scared of reality really scares the crap out of me. I'm living a contradiction. I want reality back. I want it back more than anything. I am completely aware that I am missing a massive part of life being like this. Everything is under this numb, heavy, fog. I remember life as it was before and I know that it's a billion times sweeter and still, something about it scares the crap out of me.

I know I'm rambling but the point is, I want some hope. I want DPD to no longer have no cure or specific length of illness. I don't want to live with "I may never get better". I want to look on the internet, find out what I have and think "Ok. You're going to be ok. It isn't permanent. You are going to heal" and then I don't want to be AFRAID of that healing. I don't want to look at life and be terrified to rejoin it. How can you ever get over something like this when you loathe it and have a death grip on it at the same time? I need some hope.


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## DPNOrway (Apr 29, 2010)

I know what you mean, I had the same short dp/dr feeling about a year before i really got DPDR. I didn't know what it was, but it went away in about one day. Now I have it all day, everyday and it sucks the life out of me :/ I'm starting to work again next wednesday and I really dont know how its going to work, cus I feel like crap almost all the time :/ I really wish someone could tell us some happy stories around this site. I guess there isn't alot of it cus when you get better and heal, you dont need this site anymore.


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## kaitlyn_b (Jun 9, 2010)

I know how you feel. Its torturous. I also went thru a short episode of DR about a year before this all happened. Its been 4 and a half months now and Im still as out of it as I can be. I still panic at the thought of never getting better 10 times a day. Thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## guest1234 (Mar 23, 2010)

Well I am recovered after 4 and a half years of it, but I can't make you believe me! I know all too well that fear about there being no definitive 'you will definitely get better' info anywhere, I'm a bit of a control freak so it really really bugged me. For so long I was convince that was it, I was stuck like this. But I wasn't. I hope this helps. Hang on in there!


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## York (Feb 26, 2008)

Tinyfairy; I SO HEAR YOU! I feel EXACTLY the same way!! It's freaky









I just want to say, I recovered once, and was well for 12 years. 12 fucking YEARS. NO DP! No meds.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

york said:


> Tinyfairy; I SO HEAR YOU! I feel EXACTLY the same way!! It's freaky
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Can you pm me your email address? I'd like to keep in contact with you. Our lives seem to parallel all of the time.


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

guest1234 said:


> Well I am recovered after 4 and a half years of it, but I can't make you believe me! I know all too well that fear about there being no definitive 'you will definitely get better' info anywhere, I'm a bit of a control freak so it really really bugged me. For so long I was convince that was it, I was stuck like this. But I wasn't. I hope this helps. Hang on in there!


Yeah, I am a major control freak too. I think that is why I was able to recover so quickly before. I remember feeling like I was physically hanging onto reality. I fought for it every single day and when I came out of that first dp episode, I felt like it was the hardest work I'd ever done in my life.

I can't imagine recovering after 4 years. I'm almost at a year and I now have stopped believing that any of my past life happened to me. It's so weird. It must be a huge shock to live this way for 4 years and then go back to normal. Did your sense of self return? Do you feel the atmosphere in the air now? What is reality like?


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## feministcat (May 4, 2010)

I have recovered before too and now DP is back haunting me again. It was like I just started feeling "normal" again.. fully integrated.. just being without thinking DP fearful thoughts or watching myself live.. I was just living again. But now I am consumed with fearful thoughts about existence, how am I really here, am I really here, WTF am I? etc. Since I read your post last night I've been freaking out about Serotonin Syndrome. I started thinking what if I'm having all this DP because of the Lexapro (SSRI) med that I'm taking. I started SSRI meds 10 years ago for panic and depression and I didn't start having DP until about a year or so after taking meds.. so now I'm freaking out thinking maybe I'm getting too much serotonin.. but the rational side of me is saying no that isn't happening because I would have felt it right away.. but then my fearful side is saying... maybe?? Can these meds be messing me up? I'm so confused about it I just don't know anymore. I see my psychiatrist on Monday and last time I saw her was 6 months ago and I was doing great.. now here I am totally DP'd out and scared I'm going nuts.. I want help but I don't know if meds will do it.. I'm considering the Lamictal and maybe a different SSRI but now I'm scared about Serotonin Syndrome.. are you sure that is what you really had?? Was there more symptoms for you than just the DP? I am so tired of living in fear all the time..


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## ValleyGirl (Nov 10, 2017)

feministcat said:


> I have recovered before too and now DP is back haunting me again. It was like I just started feeling "normal" again.. fully integrated.. just being without thinking DP fearful thoughts or watching myself live.. I was just living again. But now I am consumed with fearful thoughts about existence, how am I really here, am I really here, WTF am I? etc. Since I read your post last night I've been freaking out about Serotonin Syndrome. I started thinking what if I'm having all this DP because of the Lexapro (SSRI) med that I'm taking. I started SSRI meds 10 years ago for panic and depression and I didn't start having DP until about a year or so after taking meds.. so now I'm freaking out thinking maybe I'm getting too much serotonin.. but the rational side of me is saying no that isn't happening because I would have felt it right away.. but then my fearful side is saying... maybe?? Can these meds be messing me up? I'm so confused about it I just don't know anymore. I see my psychiatrist on Monday and last time I saw her was 6 months ago and I was doing great.. now here I am totally DP'd out and scared I'm going nuts.. I want help but I don't know if meds will do it.. I'm considering the Lamictal and maybe a different SSRI but now I'm scared about Serotonin Syndrome.. are you sure that is what you really had?? Was there more symptoms for you than just the DP? I am so tired of living in fear all the time..


No, I didn't have Seretonin Syndrome. I had dp but THOUGHT it was Seretonin Syndrome. The reason I thought I had it is because I took 80mg of prozac in less than 24 hours. That was a week's worth and my symptoms fit seretonin syndrome. I highly doubt you have it if you are taking a doctor recommended dose.

Lamictal is one of the few drugs that helps a lot of people with dp. You should try it.


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## feministcat (May 4, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> No, I didn't have Seretonin Syndrome. I had dp but THOUGHT it was Seretonin Syndrome. The reason I thought I had it is because I took 80mg of prozac in less than 24 hours. That was a week's worth and my symptoms fit seretonin syndrome. I highly doubt you have it if you are taking a doctor recommended dose.
> 
> Lamictal is one of the few drugs that helps a lot of people with dp. You should try it.


Thanks for responding. I was freaking out a little about Serotonin Syndrome, but my rational mind finally calmed me down.. I think I am going to try the Lamictal.. do you take it?


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## guest1234 (Mar 23, 2010)

ustabetinyfairypeople said:


> Yeah, I am a major control freak too. I think that is why I was able to recover so quickly before. I remember feeling like I was physically hanging onto reality. I fought for it every single day and when I came out of that first dp episode, I felt like it was the hardest work I'd ever done in my life.
> 
> I can't imagine recovering after 4 years. I'm almost at a year and I now have stopped believing that any of my past life happened to me. It's so weird. It must be a huge shock to live this way for 4 years and then go back to normal. Did your sense of self return? Do you feel the atmosphere in the air now? What is reality like?


It's all pretty much the same as it ever was really - it's hard to believe how strange and scary it all seemed back then. It really is like the DP never happened to be honest. Think of it as in, when you were well you could never imagine what DP was like and when you are DP you can't imagine what normal is like - now I'm back to not being able to think what DP was like. Go figure! And yes sense of self fully back


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