# Fear of my own existence and life itself! Help!



## Lafeverjoshua

Hey guys, this is my first post and I'm not entirely sure how I start but I'll do my best to keep this as brief as I can. My name is Josh and I'm 26 years old. I've had anxiety my whole life basically but about a year ago I had the worst anxiety attack after a night of drinking. During that time I had been notorious for being somewhat of a heavy drinker so I was use to the normal anxiety the day after but this time was the worst experience I've ever had. This may sound insanely strange but at this very moment I was very aware that I was alive!? It was like I was immediately "woke" and I was entirely aware of my own existence and it petrified me. This specific attack opened so many disturbing doors for me that continue to open for me to this very day. I've always had somewhat of a philosophical mind but I began questioning things that no one can answer. Do I exist? What does life mean? Does time really exist? If the world and universe is going to end what's the point of even being alive, everything's meaningless. This means I am meaningless and every thought or experience I have doesn't matter. I've been extremely conscious of myself and every thought and move I make to the point that sometimes I become paralyzed, because I have devalued absolutely everything to it's very core. Sometimes I'll look at people such as my friends and family and see them as weird, and just an organism that exists on this planet and it scares the heck out of me. I think to myself "if I don't matter, how can they?" Every value, idea and thing is made by man so it's almost like it's entirely meaningless to me. If I can't take myself seriously, how can I care about anything else? I'm not sure if this just normal anxiety, pure o, dp/dr, solipsism, existentialism? It all may stem from self worth but I'm not really sure. All I know is its chronic and never goes away. I dread waking up in the morning because I don't see the point and I'm so aware of my every thought and move that I'm depressed. Some mornings I wake up and I feel detached from my body and I'm sure it's due to stress but my day goes on and I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state. My panic attacks will get so bad sometimes that I literally will think about my own thoughts, and if they are really mine, because they don't feel like it. Then I'll wonder where they are coming from, and evaluate the very meaning of every thought after that. It sounds so strange when I write it because it's so hard to explain.Can anyone relate? Can someone please help me figure this out? I just want to my life back without all the questioning. I wanna care again but how is that even possible if the very idea of myself and life is pointless? It's almost as if I'm too smart for my own good, or at least I feel that way.. my life won't ever be the same. Please help

Also, I've been to a psychiatrist but he didn't give me much insight. He just seemed worried about "symptoms" and what to prescribe me. I've been on 30 mg of Paxil for about 6 months up until a couple months ago. They took the edge off I guess but I was always still thinking. I've also been sober for most of that duration as well


----------



## Musicgirl1314

I went through the same thing as you, and sometimes I relapse. Don't worry, eventually the thoughts/feelings will fade, you just don't need to focus on it. That's what's making it so intense and hard to overcome. It's just DP/DR, you're fine I promise.


----------



## Pondererer

man this is well written, it's so accurate! It might sound like gibberish to non-DP people, but me and everyone else here on this site knows exactly what you mean!

When it comes to the mental health industry, they can do pretty much nothing for you. Best case scenario is someone who listens to you, and maybe some meds will make you a little better, that's it. I'm 26 male as well, so we sound pretty similiar. Make a sound if you wanna chat it up


----------



## Lafeverjoshua

Yeah I originally kicked the Paxil a couple months ago because I felt I was getting better. Eventually it just came back and I'm not entirely sure why.. but it feels even worse this time. It's comforting to know people have an idea where I'm coming from, and is the reason I came to this sight to talk about it. I'm not really sure what to do to get back to my old self. I use to not worry about this kinda of things. Then again maybe I valued myself to much or maybe it was just plain ignorance.


----------



## zigman

Dude, I'm 14 and I'm going exactly what you're going through now! I play video games then look at life and start thinking the exactly same as you do, and it gives me alot of anxiety! It's been about 2 months now so, but lately some days I feel anxiety-free and I know this never happened when I first got to this phase, I'm hoping to snap out of this somehow.
Good luck!


----------



## forestx5

We've all been sentenced to life. Peggy Lee put it in a song. Just keep dancing.


----------



## Lafeverjoshua

If you break everything down in your head you can basically make anything meaningless and I'm totally aware of it yet I constantly still do it. I'm not sure if it's just OCD that then results to depression? I get it's a bit nihilistic but I don't see how anyone can see it any other way if you really look at life the way it is. I've recently relinquished my somewhat religious beliefs and maybe that has something to do with it. Maybe I'm afraid of reality? How do you guys cope with your dp? Any suggestions or words of advice?

Thanks...


----------



## zigman

I don’t really think it has anything to do with religion, but it doesn’t matter, you believe what you want to believe and others believe what they want to believe.


----------



## esroh

Man this obssion with meaning is EXACTLY what i had before this shit started. I would devaluate EVERYTHING 24/7 a day, the taste of food, music, a nice image, my girlfriend...it was ridiculous and absolutely horrible.

I remember sitting on the toiletfloor on the mainstation where i life, in tears and filled with panic cause i thought nothing would ever have any meaning to me.

Well i dont have that problem anymore at all, it all got replaced by obsession with the self and reality but without the meaning aspect.

Its just an obsession dude...i know how scary it can be cause you really can devaluate everything if you think deep enough, but it goes away when you stop.


----------



## Jomiar79

Hi guys. I'm going through this right now. It's such a weird and personal condition, that you even have doubts if it isn't something else going on in your brain. I have this kind of phobia of having a body... of feeling and seeing movement... of feeling and seeing things touched. That's really tough since we all have a body, we all move, and we all touch. It's as if having sensory perception itself was painful. I am hyperaware of my own body... of the way I move, the way I touch things, the way my senses perceive things.

Sometimes this is just triggered by a single thought. Sometimes it can go away for weeks. But it can be terrifying feeling weirdly trapped in your own body/sensory perception. I don't know if this counts as DR/DP or fear of existence... or just plain sensorimotor/hyperawareness OCD.

Sometimes I feel like just staying completely still, and not perceive anything. But that's impossible since we perceive things all the time. The most accurate term I've thought for this is like some sort of "sensory fibromyalgia".

I am working a lot with acceptance. Does anyone relate to this? If someone would feel like talking about ir, or just being there for mutual support, you can find me on WhatsApp: +51 965 393 157. It would be great empowering ourselves. All the best.


----------



## mar

i relate to this 100%. I'm so uncomfortable with being alive. it started 9 months ago when i had these sudden "realisations" about being alive. it's so painful to live like this


----------



## just_liviu85

Me too


----------



## woefje

Lafeverjoshua said:


> Hey guys, this is my first post and I'm not entirely sure how I start but I'll do my best to keep this as brief as I can. My name is Josh and I'm 26 years old. I've had anxiety my whole life basically but about a year ago I had the worst anxiety attack after a night of drinking. During that time I had been notorious for being somewhat of a heavy drinker so I was use to the normal anxiety the day after but this time was the worst experience I've ever had. This may sound insanely strange but at this very moment I was very aware that I was alive!? It was like I was immediately "woke" and I was entirely aware of my own existence and it petrified me. This specific attack opened so many disturbing doors for me that continue to open for me to this very day. I've always had somewhat of a philosophical mind but I began questioning things that no one can answer. Do I exist? What does life mean? Does time really exist? If the world and universe is going to end what's the point of even being alive, everything's meaningless. This means I am meaningless and every thought or experience I have doesn't matter. I've been extremely conscious of myself and every thought and move I make to the point that sometimes I become paralyzed, because I have devalued absolutely everything to it's very core. Sometimes I'll look at people such as my friends and family and see them as weird, and just an organism that exists on this planet and it scares the heck out of me. I think to myself "if I don't matter, how can they?" Every value, idea and thing is made by man so it's almost like it's entirely meaningless to me. If I can't take myself seriously, how can I care about anything else? I'm not sure if this just normal anxiety, pure o, dp/dr, solipsism, existentialism? It all may stem from self worth but I'm not really sure. All I know is its chronic and never goes away. I dread waking up in the morning because I don't see the point and I'm so aware of my every thought and move that I'm depressed. Some mornings I wake up and I feel detached from my body and I'm sure it's due to stress but my day goes on and I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state. My panic attacks will get so bad sometimes that I literally will think about my own thoughts, and if they are really mine, because they don't feel like it. Then I'll wonder where they are coming from, and evaluate the very meaning of every thought after that. It sounds so strange when I write it because it's so hard to explain.Can anyone relate? Can someone please help me figure this out? I just want to my life back without all the questioning. I wanna care again but how is that even possible if the very idea of myself and life is pointless? It's almost as if I'm too smart for my own good, or at least I feel that way.. my life won't ever be the same. Please help
> 
> Also, I've been to a psychiatrist but he didn't give me much insight. He just seemed worried about "symptoms" and what to prescribe me. I've been on 30 mg of Paxil for about 6 months up until a couple months ago. They took the edge off I guess but I was always still thinking. I've also been sober for most of that duration as well


I feel exactly what you feel. It's so intense and scary. Everything scares me, so it's like I can't live anymore. Would you like to meet up?


----------

