# Trapped in mental hell...forever?



## Vincent

This is my story, I recently read a book which described Depersonalisation Disorder - and this described very closely my symptoms. I have since found this website, and am now convinced this is what I have...

When I was 20 (I am now 32) I used to take recreational drugs like ecstacy and amphetamines at the weekend...if I was going to a club or a 'rave' kind of dance event. This may not be related, but I remember taking some pills called 'Rolling Stones' which were ecstacy apparently doused in lsd...no idea if they actually were. I remember people being really tall, and then really small...and it was all quite strange. I had never taken LSD before neat, and have never taken it since - I am not headstrong enough to be able to take hallucinations etc.

It was about this time ( I think a few days later, though I can't be sure as it's so long ago now) that I was walking home in the street, totally sober, after finishing work for the day. I suddenly remember that things looked slightly different around me, in a way that visually they looked exactly the same - but almost like the way I was interpreting them. I couldn't understand it at all, and remember having a panic attack. I felt totally trapped, slightly spaced out but almost in a dream like state - even though I was totally lucid.

From that day it didn't go away, and I was in an absolute living hell pretty much all day every day. I tried to talk to people about it, but it just wouldn't make any sense - even to myself. It still doesn't now really! I went to the doctor, and they described beta-blockers....absolutely useless! I also got a referred to a psychiatrist after a few months, who I saw once for about 15 minutes...and he just thought I was fine and was just anxiety. I could see no way out of this, being trapped in utter mental anguish and feeling that you were a complete 'nutter'.

Things were so bad, for periods (unless I had to) I would not wear my glasses or contact lenses so I couldn't see how different the world looked through my eyes - it was better to kid myself and walk around almost blind instead of seeing the reality. To this day, when I am aware of it, it is like I am looking through someone elses eyes...

What's even stranger is I feel it a million times more when I am outside, and walking. When it's really bad, and I am walking to the shop for example, I look down at my hands and it's like they are being controlled by someone else. Also, my legs feel they are walking themselves. Most of the time it's just everything I see looking the same, but different - like you are slightly drugged on something. BUT IT NEVER GOES AWAY! Inside the house, I am aware of things looking slightly different but I hardly ever think about it for some reason.

This is also probably related, I have been suffering with depression and subsequent anxiety since I was about 12/13. I have been taking anti depressants on and off for quite a few years now.

I have been struggling with this for about 12 years now. It seems I can cope with it better when the anti depressants kicks in...I am still aware of it, but don't panic as much - probably due to the anxiety relieving properties of the pills. I am glad I have found this website, but I haven't been diagnosed with DP yet...just clinical depression. My therapist doesn't really understand these feelings, and the doctor definitely doesn't.

I really could talk about this forever, I haven't even scratched the surface with the mental pain and confusion this has caused me...or the intense panic attacks...or wondering if I am actually even alive at times? This is an almost constant nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, or even on the worst people that have ever lived in history.

Has anyone else had similar experiences to this?


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## Guest

Vincent said:


> This is my story, I recently read a book which described Depersonalisation Disorder - and this described very closely my symptoms. I have since found this website, and am now convinced this is what I have...
> 
> When I was 20 (I am now 32) I used to take recreational drugs like ecstacy and amphetamines at the weekend...if I was going to a club or a 'rave' kind of dance event. This may not be related, but I remember taking some pills called 'Rolling Stones' which were ecstacy apparently doused in lsd...no idea if they actually were. I remember people being really tall, and then really small...and it was all quite strange. I had never taken LSD before neat, and have never taken it since - I am not headstrong enough to be able to take hallucinations etc.
> 
> It was about this time ( I think a few days later, though I can't be sure as it's so long ago now) that I was walking home in the street, totally sober, after finishing work for the day. I suddenly remember that things looked slightly different around me, in a way that visually they looked exactly the same - but almost like the way I was interpreting them. I couldn't understand it at all, and remember having a panic attack. I felt totally trapped, slightly spaced out but almost in a dream like state - even though I was totally lucid.
> 
> From that day it didn't go away, and I was in an absolute living hell pretty much all day every day. I tried to talk to people about it, but it just wouldn't make any sense - even to myself. It still doesn't now really! I went to the doctor, and they described beta-blockers....absolutely useless! I also got a referred to a psychiatrist after a few months, who I saw once for about 15 minutes...and he just thought I was fine and was just anxiety. I could see no way out of this, being trapped in utter mental anguish and feeling that you were a complete 'nutter'.
> 
> Things were so bad, for periods (unless I had to) I would not wear my glasses or contact lenses so I couldn't see how different the world looked through my eyes - it was better to kid myself and walk around almost blind instead of seeing the reality. To this day, when I am aware of it, it is like I am looking through someone elses eyes...
> 
> What's even stranger is I feel it a million times more when I am outside, and walking. When it's really bad, and I am walking to the shop for example, I look down at my hands and it's like they are being controlled by someone else. Also, my legs feel they are walking themselves. Most of the time it's just everything I see looking the same, but different - like you are slightly drugged on something. BUT IT NEVER GOES AWAY! Inside the house, I am aware of things looking slightly different but I hardly ever think about it for some reason.
> 
> This is also probably related, I have been suffering with depression and subsequent anxiety since I was about 12/13. I have been taking anti depressants on and off for quite a few years now.
> 
> I have been struggling with this for about 12 years now. It seems I can cope with it better when the anti depressants kicks in...I am still aware of it, but don't panic as much - probably due to the anxiety relieving properties of the pills. I am glad I have found this website, but I haven't been diagnosed with DP yet...just clinical depression. My therapist doesn't really understand these feelings, and the doctor definitely doesn't.
> 
> I really could talk about this forever, I haven't even scratched the surface with the mental pain and confusion this has caused me...or the intense panic attacks...or wondering if I am actually even alive at times? This is an almost constant nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, or even on the worst people that have ever lived in history.
> 
> Has anyone else had similar experiences to this?


Hey, sorry to hear how much your suffering, it's weird cause my story is very similar to yours. I did a lot of drugs over the past 10 months or so (ecstasy,pot,shrooms mainly) and after a bad trip on the shrooms i was fine for a week, but then out of no where i was just watching t.v when my surroundings started to look a little funny and i had a panic attack. I thought i was just having a flashback from one of the drugs but boy was i wrong. After 3-4 hours of non stop panic attacks i fell asleep, when i woke up i felt fine for about 5 minutes then the weird feeling i had came back. Now ever since then (2 months or so) it feels like ive been stuck in a dream, the only time i can find peace is sleeping but even then my dreams are so intense and vivid i don't like to even sleep that much anymore







Although its nice to hear that people have similar wasy of getting this.

Hope me and you get better one day


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## Vincent

Auldie said:


> Hey, sorry to hear how much your suffering, it's weird cause my story is very similar to yours. I did a lot of drugs over the past 10 months or so (ecstasy,pot,shrooms mainly) and after a bad trip on the shrooms i was fine for a week, but then out of no where i was just watching t.v when my surroundings started to look a little funny and i had a panic attack. I thought i was just having a flashback from one of the drugs but boy was i wrong. After 3-4 hours of non stop panic attacks i fell asleep, when i woke up i felt fine for about 5 minutes then the weird feeling i had came back. Now ever since then (2 months or so) it feels like ive been stuck in a dream, the only time i can find peace is sleeping but even then my dreams are so intense and vivid i don't like to even sleep that much anymore
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Although its nice to hear that people have similar wasy of getting this.
> 
> Hope me and you get better one day


Hi Auldie,

I hope this can give you some hope, but i honestly don't think it will last for years like me...for a lot of people it doesn't seem to last that long. Every single person is different of course, but the following things help me - when I can stick to them...!

Meditation for 15 mins daily (at least), I've got loads of experience with this and it can really help.
NOT drinking alcohol to excess (though this is a constant battle for me, vicious circle when you can't relax) - symptoms are always worse for a few days after a heave weekend etc.
Anti depressants are helping loads now they are kicking in (3 weeks),

I've got loads of relaxation hypnosis mp3's as well, which I could send to you if you want.

The main way is to not think about it, then you don't feel it, though this seems impossible and is a constant battle for me. I've been unemployed for months, too depressed to work, so got too much time to think about it - and it's always worse when depression and anxiety is high...

Hope springs eternal!


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## Guest

Vincent said:


> Hi Auldie,
> 
> I hope this can give you some hope, but i honestly don't think it will last for years like me...for a lot of people it doesn't seem to last that long. Every single person is different of course, but the following things help me - when I can stick to them...!
> 
> Meditation for 15 mins daily (at least), I've got loads of experience with this and it can really help.
> NOT drinking alcohol to excess (though this is a constant battle for me, vicious circle when you can't relax) - symptoms are always worse for a few days after a heave weekend etc.
> Anti depressants are helping loads now they are kicking in (3 weeks),
> 
> I've got loads of relaxation hypnosis mp3's as well, which I could send to you if you want.
> 
> The main way is to not think about it, then you don't feel it, though this seems impossible and is a constant battle for me. I've been unemployed for months, too depressed to work, so got too much time to think about it - and it's always worse when depression and anxiety is high...
> 
> Hope springs eternal!


I really do hope that this doesn't last long, it's already seemed to last more than just 2 months. Does meditation really work?..ive always wanted to try it but never really knew how to get myself into a really calm state =/. Yeah i avoid any drug now, im way to afraid to try even alcohol, lol i even gave up caffeine. Im think im gunna try an anti-depressant next, ive been on olanzapine for about 4-5 weeks now it isn't doing a damn thing









And i would really like to hear some of those relaxation mp3's if you didn't mind sending me them









Take care.


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## nix

This is why I hate this forum. Because of such "happy" stories when somebody come here, describes it the same how it starts to me and then he/she said that he/she has it for 100 years. 
Can't you just shoot me in the head? It would be at least less painful.


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## Vincent

nix said:


> This is why I hate this forum. Because of such "happy" stories when somebody come here, describes it the same how it starts to me and then he/she said that he/she has it for 100 years.
> Can't you just shoot me in the head? It would be at least less painful.


That is the worry that I think everyone gets, even if it has only been a few days - that it will be forever. I'm sorry you feel like this, but I know exactly how you feel - whereas I bet there isn't one person you know in the real world
that could even begin to understand. I know I don't.

Anxiety exacerbates the situation though, without anxiety the situation seems a million times worse. This is why it's so important to do everything possible not to increase anxiety and depression, which seem
like a pre-cursor to this thing anyway. Diet, medication, relaxation all help me.

Keep positive, science is improving all the time. Just try and train your mind not to react to the feeling, and not to panic. When I can do this, it really helps and I don't even think about it.


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## mixmastermc

OP, i've even had it for 12 years just like you, similar story as to how i got it aswell. I've even had the same thoughts about not wishing it on the worst person on earth. I don't know what to say man, i've given up on recovery, i'm resigned to it. I entered into it when i was 14, discovered the word "depersonalization" when i was 20 (i just thought i was brain damaged before that), then spiralled into some hardcore depression. Then after 4 or 5 months i dragged myself out of the depression and decided to carry on with it for as long as i could. That was 6 years ago and i'm still going. I just got back from teaching english overseas, i'm astounded i was able to go and do this whilst feeling confused clouded zombie.

I just try to chill and roll with it, and enjoy the simple things like a nice hot shower or a tasty burger. I used to be horrified by the short term memory loss i'd experience and it'd really rattle me, but now i barely react to it. Alcohol helps me alot. But i'm still basically a socially retarded recluse. I don't give 2 shits anymore, i'm pretty proud that i get by with this shit. I'd challenge any normal person to live a week like this then we'll see if they've got any criticism about how my life's going.

peace be the journey


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