# all in my mind is too much for my head?



## lilu (Jul 24, 2007)

Meeps.. Is this the right place? I don't really think people care, but i'm posting this with hope going on the clash of apathy with the desire to find your selves in others' emotions.. Sorry it's so long.

For now, I just want to be able to give a name to what's wrong with me. I could be normal and stressing over nothing worse than what everyone goes through. Maybe it's hormones or a nutritional deficiency or a bad thought habit. Maybe I just need a good punch in the face. If there's a name, that means it exists.. It becomes a real problem instead of something my head thinks itself into like a kid who gets stuck in a tree for attention.. I think I want someone to tell me that I didn't climb the tree myself, that I was dropped into it by the stork who delivered me. That life isn't always what you try to make of it..

So here's where I go off into my self-obsessed rant of "Wtf is wrong with me?!"
I'm not sure if i have DP, but I know something is not exactly right with myself. I certainly have DP episodes. And anxiety attacks. I guess my apathy is actually some kind of defense mechanism to hide my feelings.. After a while the boredom of apathy will overflow and I'll go into a cabin-fever sort of anxiety in which all sorts of emotions erupt uncontrollably. I'll start crying over the fact that I don't know why I'm crying. I do worry a lot. I easily scare myself when I'm alone, seeing things in the shadows and feeling like I'm being watched. Maybe that's everyone.

I find it difficult to be social.. I want to be, but being in public is freakishly surreal, like watching television. In class and with friends I rarely get engaged in conversation. When I do start talking I feel so strange and alien, like my voice is coming from someone else and the real me is actually a phantom-mind, like a phantom-pain in a non-existent limb. If it wasn't for my desire to be social and experience interactions from a better perspective, I would just succumb and let my self be absorbed into the dreamy kaleidescope. Seems ideal sometimes..
It's so incredibly hard to concentrate on things I have to. I'll let my mind wander into a trance state and get lost in ethereal visuals or tangents of thought.. I often obsess over the concept of space and what it means to be real, along with various moral dilemmas and philosophic musings. It's confusing.. So many times I've thought myself into an idea funk in which any way I turn there is an opposing direction. I don't remember that leading me to an anxiety attack, but I do hate the feeling of not knowing. A lot of times I'll freak out over simple things like not knowing where someone else is driving me to or the sounds of a ticking clock or a buzzer going off. More serious things are easier to deal with. My mom described me as having the ability to shut the world out.. I can semi-selectively not listen to what people say or not feel emotion over tragedy or when awful things "just have to be done." I can't say much is exactly good or bad because I see all sides of issues and am rarely genuinely excited (except for the random anxiety part).
Another thing which is unfortunate is that the only person I can actually sense from-the-heart feelings for is my ex, though I'm actually engaged to and living with a guy who is a universe better than he was. I can't decide what to do about that. The reason I moved in with my fiance originally was to get away from my mom, who I could swear has something wrong with her, too.. Seeing myself in her makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not too detached to not be able to go to school or work or have a "normal" life. I'm just really quiet and I think way too much. People sometimes ask if I'm high or something. 
Also, I used to have an eating disorder. Maybe I still do, because I purged yesterday, but I don't do it very often anymore. It was ednos ? eating disorder not otherwise specified? - because I had varied symptoms of anorexia and bulimia with a relatively normal weight. My mom has it, too.. and my dad has the social issues: "finding the corner in a round room." So maybe all this is genetic or learned from them... I want to get as far away as possible, but I also want to stop the feeling that I have to escape.

Not sure when this all started. I have a distinct memory from when I was in fifth grade, sitting alone on the roots of a tree in the playground, thinking and watching the other kids.. I felt utterly detached, like a ghost. I had a couple friends around that time, but never felt especially attached to them. I still have a really difficult time keeping in touch with friends and family, see them about every other month. It's not personal. I just don't feel like socializing.. In high school is when the depression began. I gave myself an eating disorder. Started having anxiety, crying randomly and avoiding social situations, including by skipping class. Barely passed high school. Went to community college.. same problems. Dropped out of college. Now I'm studying massage and doing better. I don't get so anxious and have more confidence. My ED rarely shows itself. I do, however, feel an ominous Numb, and while my anxiety is not as common, it comes in much stronger bursts. 
Another distinct memory, from about two years ago: I was working in a deli, slicing meat for a customer. I suddenly experienced a wave of nausea and lost my balance. Thought for sure I was going to pass out, but I'd been eating fine. I made my way to the back and sat down, very disoriented. I felt terrified and had no idea what was happening to me.. My managers kept asking me questions and I couldn't stop crying. They called the paramedics who checked me out. My blood pressure and everything was fine, except that I was disoriented.. They called my mom and she picked me up. Went home, shaken but okay.
I've been more-so numb ever since then, I think.

I went through the lists of DP and anxiety symptoms. These are the symptoms I identify with:

DP Symptoms

Affective 
- Emotional numbing (for both positive and negative affect) 
- Lack of Empathy 
- Sense of isolation 
- Depression 
- Anxiety 
- Dream-like state 
- Loss of motivation 
- Loss of a sense of the consequences of one's behaviour

Cognitive 
- Impaired concentration 
- Mind 'emptiness or 'racing thoughts' 
- Memory Impairments 
- Difficulty in processing new information

Physiological/Perceptual 
- Dizziness 
- Loss of a sense of recognition to one's own reflection and voice. 
- Changed perception of time

Anxiety Symptoms

Body 
Chronic Fatigue 
Excess of energy, you feel you can?t relax. 
Feel like you are going to pass out or faint 
Feeling cold or chilled [varies between chills and "hot flashes" though i'm only 20...]
Hyperactivity, excess energy [not much, but I do go manic once in a while] 
Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness 
No energy, feeling lethargic, tired 
Numbness or tingling in hands, feet, face, head, or any other places on the body 
Persistent muscle tension, stiffness 
The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason 
Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom 
Warm spells 
Weak legs, arms, or muscles

Chest 
Chest pain or discomfort 
Concern about the heart 
Feel like you have to force yourself to breathe 
Find it hard to breathe, feeling smothered, shortness of breath 
Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath 
Heart ? beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat, palpitations 
Heart - Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ?skipped? beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough

Emotions 
Dramatic mood swings 
Emotional blunting 
Emotions feel wrong 
Frequently feel like crying for no reason

Fears 
Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits 
Constant feeling of being overwhelmed. 
Fear of losing control 
Fear of impending doom 
Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others 
Fear that you are losing your mind 
Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations 
Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings 
Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness 
Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable [Not to pee, but I always have to check myself in a mirror, make sure I'm the same or something.]

Head 
Dizziness or light-headedness 
Frequent headaches, migraine headaches 
Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness 
Shooting pains in the scalp or head 
When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards

Hearing 
Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head

Mind 
Desensitization, depersonalization 
Fear of going crazy 
Fear of losing control 
Fear of impending doom 
Feelings of unreality 
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do 
Having difficulty concentrating 
Obsession about sensations or getting better 
Repetitive thinking or incessant ?mind chatter? 
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear 
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

Mood 
Depression 
Feeling down in the dumps 
Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike 
Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy' 
Frequently feel like crying for no apparent reason 
Have no feelings about things you used to 
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear 
You feel like you are under pressure all the time

Mouth/Stomach 
Constant craving for sugar or sweets 
Difficulty swallowing 
Dry mouth 
Feeling like you can?t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat 
Frequent upset stomach, bloating, gaseous 
Nausea or abdominal stress 
The thought of eating makes you nauseous 
Tight throat, lump in throat 
Vomiting [mostly from my bulimic history]

Sleep 
Difficulty falling or staying asleep 
Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams 
Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night

Sight 
Dry, watery or itchy eyes 
Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn?t there, stars, flashes 
Eyes sensitive to light 
Spots in the vision


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## Luc (Jul 18, 2007)

I don't have much in the way of help or what you should do to get out of this, if I did, I wouldn't be here..

What you described is exactly the things I've been going through for the last 10 years, I've just never been able to describe it myself. I was amazed at how well you described it, I was sure that it was me we were talking about.. For that, I can tell you that You aren't alone with this. Whatever it is, it exists, and there must be a name for it. I'm thankful that you posted, atleast I now know that it's not just me. I'm sorry I dont have any advice. But I hope you atleast feel less alone in this.


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## lilu (Jul 24, 2007)

Luc said:


> I don't have much in the way of help or what you should do to get out of this, if I did, I wouldn't be here..
> 
> What you described is exactly the things I've been going through for the last 10 years, I've just never been able to describe it myself. I was amazed at how well you described it, I was sure that it was me we were talking about.. For that, I can tell you that You aren't alone with this. Whatever it is, it exists, and there must be a name for it. I'm thankful that you posted, atleast I now know that it's not just me. I'm sorry I dont have any advice. But I hope you atleast feel less alone in this.


Thank you for the reply! It's comforting - I really do feel much less alone right now. 
<3


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## mattr (Aug 1, 2007)

Hi,
I have had exactly the same symptoms and problems as u have perfectly described and i dont know what the hell is wrong with me the doctors cant diagnose me they just shoved and ssri down me and said its probably depression mixed with anxity so i have given up with them and tryed to cure my self, ive been like this for over a year now and it is tough, im off meds now do you take any that work for you?and what triggered your change? mine was from stress and drugs,

Take Care

Matt


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## lilu (Jul 24, 2007)

mattr said:


> Hi,
> I have had exactly the same symptoms and problems as u have perfectly described and i dont know what the hell is wrong with me the doctors cant diagnose me they just shoved and ssri down me and said its probably depression mixed with anxity so i have given up with them and tryed to cure my self, ive been like this for over a year now and it is tough, im off meds now do you take any that work for you?and what triggered your change? mine was from stress and drugs,
> 
> Take Care
> ...


hi matt,
yay, i guess: another person out there with the same problems. nice to meet you.
i have no idea what triggered my change.. maybe it's cumulative from years of various stresses and poor coping skills, etc. 
umm, i just thought of this as the earliest "trauma" i remember: in kindergarten i had a very good friend who i really connected with. my dad was in the navy so we had to move and i never saw my friend again. i remember mourning that loss for years afterward.
once, my mom took me to a therapist.. i sat through about 5 meetings before deciding it wasn't worth my time. i think the lady diagnosed me as having depression. she kept pushing me to take meds but i was afraid they'd make me gain weight. haven't tried any yet.
and no bad experiences with drugs, though smoking makes me more depressed/withdrawn.


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