# horrible lows



## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Hey Guys,

I need to use this forum to vent and express myself because I really have exhausted my support system. No one around me really knows what's going on with me, so I just need to talk a bit here.

Lately I've had serious headaches accompanying my DP. Horrible and crippling headaches. Further, I am extremely suicidal - more than I ever thought I would be in my lifetime (I value life a lot). Nowadays, I will lie in bed and repeat over and over "i want to die", "I want to die". I hit myself on the head when I feel bad. I know it won't help, but I feel I am at least doing something (fucked up logic). I held a knife to my wrists today, I ran it along my arm... but I am too sane to hurt myself. Pain still seems bad. I mostly try to meditate during the worst times. If that doesn't work, I play videogames, which divert me. However, everyday I am reminded of the depressing state of my existence.. and I see time passing by and I can't do anything. I feel like there should be some relief for this feeling, that there should be some answer. Maybe my DP is caused by something organic that I have yet to uncover. I don't understand how the mind can just shut down like this, it feels damaged. My head literally hurts, but it's like a fucked up headache that is hard to describe.

Regardless, I think it this is game-over for my life. I don't like to admit it, cause I feel like I should be one of those people that soldiers through. I have beat so much bullshit in my life. I've conquered an endless barrage of challenges, but I don't know how to deal with something that has no solution. For now the solution is prolonging my life, I don't feel capable of working when I have to deal with this shit day in and day out. I was able to work for the first 6 months of this, but I'm worn down from this barrage of shit. I am denied the privilege of being human. My memory is fucked, my head hurts, I don't know who I am, I don't know where I am. This doesn't feel like something that is temporary. It feels like I'm fucked. DP has taken everything from me. My studies, my job, my body, my perspective, my ambition. I was really going places in life, I actually was. I would have been able to accomplish really great things had this not happened. I feel dead now. I honestly feel like I'm already dead. I feel like I am purely negative sensations with the lack of any self. I am just an experience that is not experienced by anything. The only thing this curse has given me is a complete lack of fear. I fear nothing at all, because I'm already in my own hell. I am ready for anything.

to end with more class that i was able to express in my message I leave you with this quote:

_Hope is what we fight with when all else is lost._


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## Guest (Jul 24, 2011)

Remember: Suffering For Survival's Sake.


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## TheGame (Feb 1, 2011)

You said it best yourself. There is nothing you can do...so do nothing about it, dont try by force to get better. all you can do is wait this bitch out. taking it day by day thought by thought and emotion by emotion. and DP sensation for dp sensation and eventually you'll get out of that super low. Remember Dp takes everything to the extreme. If your depressed while DP'd dp will make the depression mean all kinds of fucking shit that your mind never would even consider making it mean if you where just a little down. or normally depressed.

If you havent tried any meds i suggest you go try some different combinations. Ask a GP or a psychologist first though..

All i can give you for advice is this. BE with it. just be patient these super lows they go over. it just takes alot of time for the lows to into highs. Your brain is thouroughly tired and the more you worry and try to force things the more your brain has to work. And the key to DP in these times is just NGAF. quit giving so much of a fuck about it and dont obey your minds every wink. I know that its hard since the thoughts while DP'd oftentimes are big and overwhelming as houses crashing onto your head. But believe me its only you bigging these things up.

So value my advice here or go to DP hell!!







just kidding but heed this valuable advice. i value it so so should you!


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## Guest (Jul 24, 2011)

I completely understand how you feel, and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here for you, as a friend, a fellow sufferer who is in this journey with you, you are not alone in your pain, but I can tell you..because of this experience, when you do recover, the greatest joy is waiting around the corner!


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## Danny Depersonalized (Jul 18, 2011)

*insert pic of kitty struggling to hang on to a wire here, with the caption "Hang in there, baby!"*

My personal advice is to take some comfort knowing you're not alone in this, bro.
Kinda messed up, but it really does help. We're all in this together.
And yeah, it's shit, but if you do wait it out, the symptoms will lessen.
It did for me, I was exactly where you were the first month in, but I just started to accept it more, and went out, and did stuff. And yeah, I know that's difficult, but do it, and pull through, and I'm sure you'll make it, and perhaps your attitude will change. And yeah, I know you're six months into this, moreso than me, but you gotta fight. I'm more than sure you're strong enough to. You will get through this. You're a champ, manji! You needta stare your DP down and punch it in it's throat!


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