# i should NOT do this!



## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

wasn't supposed to meet a guy.

i was just trying to study for my real estate exam.

but i met this guy that i had a good feeling about

he seemed sweet, calm, affectionate.

very smart. had a big white dog. I loved the dog.

not a jerk. probably a reaction im having to previous jerks.

i felt this massive tingle when he asked for my number.

then

i found out

he
is
thirtyNINE

and i started to get panicky (im 23)

once i realized the age i didn't like him much anymore

it started to weird me out

he was like "don't let age be that big of a deal"

but I don't know.

now my whole liking him has been twisted badly and I don't know if I can recover it. it ramped up super high and crashed down in a millisecond. now it's like i wish he hadn't met me, i don't want him to call, i don't know what to do but in a way i kinda like him but i've dated older guys befroe and one of them was god awful. so. i dont' know.

what do you guys think?

am i too narrow minded on the age thing?


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Hmmmm...being a guy myself, I am picturing that any 39 year old that is going after someone in their early 20s is after one thing, but that is just my opinion.

I would focus on the following questions:

1. Does he have kids that are only a couple years younger than you? If so, steer clear.
2. Do you know anything about his relationship background (sometimes when older guys go after younger girls, they are not faithful. To them, it is a game of how many youngins they can get - I stress, sometimes)

Overall, in my opinion, it is a bad idea. I am 29, and my girlfriend is 24, and I sometimes notice the 5 year difference. I can't imagine a 16 year difference.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

i don't know. i'll have to do some research. he is really good friends with a childhood friend of mine, hillary. she says he's a great guy. i'll have to find a sly way of prying every bit of info out of her save his social security number without sounding too paranoid 

I've dated a man with a child. NEVER EVER AGAIN. I really don't believe this man has a child but it could do good to ask.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

oh, and when I asked hillary about the age difference, her boyfriend walked by and said "i'm 39"...i was like crap


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## dakotajo (Aug 10, 2004)

I dont think the age should matter much, but my opinion is biased being Im an old geezer too(36). What are you presently looking for out of a relationship? Are you looking to settle down? As pointed out above Im sure this guy just wants sex. If thats all you are looking for than go for it.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

whoa i definitely don't want a fling right now. i either want a real relationship or bust. but i don't think i'm enough on my feet for a real relationship, you know? I have things I need to do, I know i'm not fully developed as a person to experience a real relationship.


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

That's a very big age difference in my opninion, and it's perfectly normal to be put off by it.
Personally I've never really liked the whole old guy.young girl thing. But then I probably am biased, since so many of the girls I have liked have buggered off with guys ten years my senior.
I just think couples of the same age are so much more romantic. When younger girls go for older guys I reckon it's almost always about gaining some form of security, it's like an economic decision or something.
Oh, and it's not about maturity or anything either, there are plenty of guys as mature as girls.
In my opnion you should let this one pass. How cool can he be if he's going after a girl 26 years his junior? Sorry I am very biased against these sort of relationships.


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

Axel19 said:


> How cool can he be if he's going after a girl 26 years his junior?


Axel19 - it's "only" 16 years her senior. I had to pick on you since I was a math major in college


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

That is a predicament, PersonIII, and i hate to give the PC answer here, but i think it's different for every person in every situation.

One of my best friends is 31 and she is getting married to a guy who is 45 next month. He also has two kids. I protested very hard against this union, which i felt quite blasphemous, but she insisted she was doing the right thing. Now, a month before their wedding, i see that she was probably right. They're very happy together. He treats her like the princess she is. And they're very good together.

I mean, for all i know, they're going to divorce before the year is out but they've been living together for some time now and all seems well in Denmark.

Anyway, i don't know. I've actually often preferred the company of older women for proabably the same reason that some women seem to prefer the company of older men. They are wiser, have figured out a lot of stuff, and usually are a lot more interesting. Plus, they're almost invariably better in bed.

But it all depends on what you're looking for, what you're interested in, and what you want out of this relationship.


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## Axel19 (Aug 11, 2004)

mcsiegs, oops yes it is 16 years. But that's still 16 years. Still the same age difference between me and a 4 year old.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

Axel19 said:


> mcsiegs, oops yes it is 16 years. But that's still 16 years. Still the same age difference between me and a 4 year old.


Or a 50 year old and a thirty-four year old. :?

e


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

i think it just depends on the person, person. i don't think i'd feel too comfy with dating someone who was 16 yrs older than me, but i know plenty of relationships that work with age differences much greater than 16 yrs.

let us know what you chose and how it worked out for you, k?


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

agentcooper said:


> i don't think i'd feel too comfy with dating someone who was 16 yrs older than me


Well that's really nice to hear, given that I'm _exactly_ 16 years older than you (you're 27, right?).

What the hell is up with this sh*t anyway?

When I was in _my_ twenties, women in their twenties all wanted old guys (on the premise that they'd 'made it' in life).

I resented it (and I suspect that is largely what this is really about on the part of the younger males in this thread), but I thought my time would come.

How times change, though.

Now that I'm an old guy myself (43), we're _bane_.

Do you know what a 43 year old woman looks like?

Everything _on_ her is yielding to gravity. (And they're all fat, too.)

At the serious risk of sounding like a superficial pig here, _I_ wouldn't want one.

A man likes to plant his seed in fertile ground.

e


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## mcsiegs (Apr 27, 2005)

enigma said:


> Do you know what a 43 year old woman looks like?
> 
> Everything _on_ her is yielding to gravity. (And they're all fat, too.)
> 
> e


That's quite a stereotype there, Enigma. I guess you're not too much into having a woman that you love rather than just lust. 43 year old men also succumb to gravity (pecs, butt, shoulders, posture).

I would take a 43 year old smart, nice woman who I liked and had some sagging breasts and butt over a 23 year old that was as smart as nails any day (person3, this doesn't mean you - I am using this as an example). At the end of the day, the relationship has to have substance.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

mcsiegs said:


> 43 year old men also succumb to gravity (pecs, butt, shoulders, posture).


Not this one (not so far, anyway.)

About the only thing I _don't_ have wrong with me, in fact.



> I would take a 43 year old smart, nice woman who I liked and had some sagging breasts and butt over a 23 year old that was as smart as nails any day


Sure you would. :roll:

Okay, I'm a lusty creep.

But I'm not entirely about lust. (I'd want to _love_ the chick.)

But my energy levels are such that I would need some additional 'inspiration' to get going in the sack (if you follow me).

And I'm not talking about staring at porn while doing it, either.

e


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

enigma said:


> agentcooper said:
> 
> 
> > i don't think i'd feel too comfy with dating someone who was 16 yrs older than me
> ...


hmmm...i just think that most 43 yr olds would be in a different place than me, both emotionally and in their lives. i still don't want to settle down completely and i have lots of things to do and see. also, i think that the twenties are a really emotionally hard time for people so i'm probably too messed up in the head for a relationship with someone who has figured themselves out. i'm not trying to say that every 43 yr old is going to be settled down, or know everything about themselves, but i think most of them are way closer to attaining those things....

so, nothin' against you 40 yr olds and you can still be *hot*...it just wouldn' be too healthy for me to date ya'll.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

agentcooper said:


> so, nothin' against you 40 yr olds and you can still be *hot*...it just wouldn' be too healthy for me to date ya'll.


Fair enough.

e


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## Guest (May 26, 2005)

Age difference is not a big deal. The most important things in a relationship are the rapport, connection, and attraction between you. I've met very immature men who are older than me and very mature men who are younger than me, and vice versa of course.

enigma, I think most people are fat these days! Young and old. I'm always shocked and amazed at the size of people when I venture out of doors. What happened out there? Is it something in the air?


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

I don't think I could ever date a guy who is superficial enough to say that all the women his age are fat.

I've been overweight and underweight before, spent a while with anorexia, and still have panics very often over food issues. I maintain a healthy weight but I have spent most of my life since about the fourth grade obsessed with and hating the way I looked, sometimes to the point of suicide for it.

For a guy to re-affirm my worst fears, that the only thing loveable and lustworthy about me is to be young and thin and not sagging...for a guy to cheer on the ideal that I killed myself over and over again to achieve, for a guy to say that the disorder I ruined school and my mind and an obsession that I ruined years of my life over for were WORTH it because if I were fat and saggy he wouldn't love me...

well, that guy is just a fuckhead.

and if he can't get it up right away I wouldn't want him anyway.

i'm just sayin'.

oh. and if you want a hot 23 year old I suggest you better be damn good looking yourself.

(sorry for the harshness, i'm jsut a little upset at the moment)
the only thing that attracted me to this guy was good conversation and smarts, by the way. He was good looking in the sense that he took care of himself.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

by the way, I already sag and have stretch marks. comes with being a d. but i still get a lot of compliments. i'm going to find a guy with incredibly hot brains someday.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Person3, 
Dont worry. Those marks go away anyways. I got them after gaining some weight on an antidepressant, and now I'm with a talent agency. They aren't a big deal, and dont last forever. And I probably wouldnt date a 39 year old. The life-experience difference is huge, and it always makes me wonder what kind of a life a guy has led, if at the age of 39 he A) Still isnt hitched and B) Needs to hit on 23 year olds. If I'm doing that when I'm 39, somebody please shoot me. And its kind of cool - the talent agency gave me an audition today for a Safe Auto commercial, and it was hilarious. One of the commercials where you think its selling another product. I hope I get it, because it had a good script. Local commercials, which is what most of the available jobs are for, have such crappy dialogue. Okay, gotta go. Good luck with the real estate exam. Its a good money maker, I looked into it at one time.

Peace
Homeskooled
PS- Hot-brained man. Sounds painful.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

person3 said:


> I don't think I could ever date a guy who is superficial enough to say that all the women his age are fat.
> 
> I've been overweight and underweight before, spent a while with anorexia, and still have panics very often over food issues. I maintain a healthy weight but I have spent most of my life since about the fourth grade obsessed with and hating the way I looked, sometimes to the point of suicide for it.
> 
> ...


Ah, so _there_ you are, P3 (been wondering when you'd show).



> and if he can't get it up right away I wouldn't want him anyway.


In my case, that might produce a bit of conflict with the 'being superficial enough to say all women [my] age are fat' part.



> i'm just sayin'.


What?



> oh. and if you want a hot 23 year old I suggest you better be damn good looking yourself.


Seen my picture? (It's not the treeman anymore.) (Oh, and if you happen to _know_ a hot 23 year old.......well.......nevermind.)



> the only thing that attracted me to this guy was good conversation and smarts, by the way. He was good looking in the sense that he took care of himself.


But you still couldn't tell how old he was by his appearance? (I take care of _my_self, afterall.)

Look, maybe I got off on a bit of a rant.

What _really_ p*sses me off is not so much the girth of women in my age bracket as it is the rotten timing of my birth.

As I said, when I was in _my_ twenties, women my age just wanted old men who could take care of them.

Now if you do the math, you'll realize I'm talking about the 1980's (the most _f*cked_ up time in 20th century America).

Social Darwinism _ruled_, and effected every important life decision that every individual made, including who they _married_.

A man was worth only as much as he earned.

And if a woman had to choose between an average guy her age (such as I was), and a much older guy who was loaded, it went without saying that she went for the _latter_.

So I hit middle age, and suddenly I find myself living in an era when that makes me revolting, everyone seems to think that if you're in your forties, you may as well be in your _eightees_ for what it's worth (I guess they forgot to tell Johnny Depp that), and female teachers are sleeping with their _grade school pupils_.

I said things hurtful to _you_? Well you started out by saying so many things _I_ found hurtful that I simply couldn't stay out of this thread.

You weren't thinking either.

So consider us even.

e


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## Guest (May 27, 2005)

person3 said:


> i'm going to find a guy with incredibly hot brains someday.


I always asked a guy what his SAT/ GRE scores were... seriously! lol!


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

Homeskooled- congrats on the commercial...

enigma...how on god's green earth did I hurt you first? the only thing I hold against older men in general is that it does not usually make for a good relationship. but i asked this time becuase the guy seemed all around pretty damn cool. oh well...he didn't call anyway.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

btw, why so mad at the reversal of roles of older males? do you want a relationship with a younger woman THAT badly, that it makes you mad that it's less acceptable? Usually those relationships are unequal and awkward, unless it's someone who is really really into you; then it might not be so much an issue.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

person3 said:


> enigma...how on god's green earth did I hurt you first?


I took extreme exception to how you thought this guy perfect in every way, only to become physically ill upon learning that he was a mere four years my junior.



person3 said:


> btw, why so mad at the reversal of roles of older males? do you want a relationship with a younger woman THAT badly, that it makes you mad that it's less acceptable? Usually those relationships are unequal and awkward, unless it's someone who is really really into you; then it might not be so much an issue.


Personally I'm not that concerned about the genders of those involved in such relationships (I mean, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?, _fine_, got no problem with that).

I guess I'm more concerned about anything that might further limit the field for me, because my prospects are already limited enough as it is.

I would consider an older woman if she was holding up at least as well as me.

I'll conceed that what I stated about older women was a bit stereotyped, afterall.

But only a _bit_.

Because most women I see over forty (not all, but most), just don't do anything for me.

Now when I think about relationships with younger women, I'm generally thinking in terms of women in their thirties (_they_ still catch my eye).

So don't get me wrong, I'm no 'cradle robber'. (Thirty is just as young as I would ever really consider going.)

But still, what you said really stung anyway.

Because it was just such a biased sounding remark.

This thread has had it's entire basis in bias.

I mean, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him except that he was sixteen years older than you.

Then everyone (with the exception of Joe) chimes in agreeing that it would be sick for you to go through with such a relationship (one fool even using the term "blasphemous").

Someone had to state a counter argument to all of this.

And I wasn't going to sit around and wait for someone else to.

Goodnight,

e


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

littlecrocodile said:


> Age difference is not a big deal. The most important things in a relationship are the rapport, connection, and attraction between you. I've met very immature men who are older than me and very mature men who are younger than me, and vice versa of course.


i guess i've just never met a man that much older than myself who was in the same place (emotionally, and life experience-wise) as myself. and frankly, if i met a 43 yr old who was, i'd probably think less of him since as homeskooled pointed out, a man in their 40s *should* be in a different place. but i definately see your point, croc...if i ever did meet a much older man who i really connected with, i would date him regardless of the age difference.

and enigma, perhaps you shouldn't be so hard on person since you said that women in their 40s aren't attractive to you. it seems like you two are saying the same thing, except you are talking about older women, and she's talking about older men.

i have seen some truely beautiful people of all ages...there are 40 and 50 yr old women on this forum that are really pretty. have you seen janine's picture?


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## Guest (May 27, 2005)

agentcooper said:


> i have seen some truely beautiful people of all ages...there are 40 and 50 yr old women on this forum that are really pretty. have you seen janine's picture?


One of my best friends is 42 and she is always having to chase men away. Yes, Janine's picture refutes enigma's argument, or he should at least make one exception for her!


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

littlecrocodile said:


> Yes, Janine's picture refutes enigma's argument,


Just took a look at it.

You're right.

Nevermind.

e


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

enigma,

I'm sorry that the original post sounded like that to you, I certainly didn't mean it that way. I have had relationships with people as much as 12 years older than me. Ever since high school I would attract older guys, ONLY older guys, be it four years or six years or ten years. And it really got to me back then, because I felt like I couldn't have an equality-based relationship. Some of these guys were VERY condescending but yet still were very attracted to me, which I don't get. And the older the guys got, the more "off center" I felt about the whole thing. I felt like my whole life was flashing before me and I had to suddenly advance to where they were in life. It just didn't feel right.

There is NOTHING disgusting about an older guy, at all. I have a lot of friends my age who date and/or are married to guys at least 15 years older than them. but I personally have a problem with it because i have never had a long, good relationship with someone my age and it's something that upsets me; it feels like I can only be desired as some younger girl rather than an equal. When ONLY older guys are approaching me, it just really feels like I can't have a "normal" relationship, as I do see a lot of people around me with someone their age.

What attracted me to this guy was his intelligence and maturity in conversation, and as I stated I had just gotten burned by a total jerk who was...23...like me. So it made me reconsider for a moment what was right and appropriate...and honestly...I think it's really hard for guys my age to keep up with me. Not bragging but it's like I can't learn anything from them a lot of the times, can't keep a good conversation going. Not necessarily because they're less intelligent, but because they're rude, they don't know how to treat a girl, they don't know when they're doing something hurtful and will often either justify it or deny it. That's probably why a lot of your peers when you were in your twenties went for older men. It's really hard trying to act like everything is cool when your 25 year old date is drinking way too much, smoking pot, making immature comments about how hot Britney Spears was in that one video, ignoring you, kicking you out of the house instead of taking you out, etc.

And I know that's not ALL 25 year olds, but it's been hard trying to find someone who is different. I swore last time I dated a 23 year old that this guy was so much more sophisticated and smarter than that, ironically he was not different than the norm and humiliated me more than most guys did.

So there's the argument for older guys.

BUT. for me it's a personal thing. Just because I've NEVER been able to really attract a guy exactly my age. And early on when I dated older guys it was mostly about sex and such, so there wasn't a lot of trust. It felt like I had to grow up too fast and that I couldn't really ask for what I want because it would seem silly coming from that foolish young girl.

There are a lot of girls who would still date you. But I'm one that has to reconsider these things and gets freaked out by them given my past. Especially after dating the man who was 12 years my senior, with a daughter. The relationship became very screwed up, and left me feeling unspeakably depressed at times.

So this is more a personal thing with me.

Dont' take it as I was immediately disgusted by you. I still wish I had not asked the guys age, because now he didn't even call...I would have liked to have gotten to know him without knowing his age because he seemed like a terrific guy. But the age difference is just something I'm too familiar and not comfortable enough with, simultaneously.


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

person3 said:


> enigma,
> 
> I'm sorry that the original post sounded like that to you, I certainly didn't mean it that way. I have had relationships with people as much as 12 years older than me. Ever since high school I would attract older guys, ONLY older guys, be it four years or six years or ten years. And it really got to me back then, because I felt like I couldn't have an equality-based relationship. Some of these guys were VERY condescending but yet still were very attracted to me, which I don't get. And the older the guys got, the more "off center" I felt about the whole thing. I felt like my whole life was flashing before me and I had to suddenly advance to where they were in life. It just didn't feel right.
> 
> ...


Understood.

And I'm sorry I was such an insensitive boor, there was no excuse for that.

Have a good day,

e


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## Guest (May 27, 2005)

enigma said:


> Understood.
> 
> And I'm sorry I was such an insensitive boor, there was no excuse for that.


A man who apologizes! Now *that's* sexy.


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## ShyTiger (Apr 1, 2005)

hey e,
If its any conselation, id go out with u. Just saw your pic and i think you'd be a great catch!! :wink:


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

yeah, if you can clap your hands together!

had to look


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## enigma (Feb 18, 2005)

Does this mean that segmented life forms are not an issue for anyone here?

Because that was always _another_ thing.

e


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

I read some stuff, not all of the posts. I wanted to say my opinion.

I have seen couples with big age gap then went good. I have seen some that went bad.

I have seen 16-year-old boys (my classmates, when I was 16) wanting nothing but sex. And I have seen 30-something, 40-something, 50-something, (and so on, do not be frightened) seeking an affectionate relation. It's really depending on the person, not the age.

So it doesn't really matter to me. It is other stuff that cause the trouble: when you make a relationship with a woman (if you are ? wom?n: "with a man"), then you compromise. You can't have everything you have when you are single. The age gap, as far as I understand is nothing more than a non-compromise gap.

Older men have the advantage of experience. Some women like that. An older man is more likely to be a more complete person and less likely to do something stupid (something childish). Older men, usually, treat women like women, and not like crap (sorry) only because their age has allowed them to see their youth's mistakes.

Every man in my family was working a labour job (hand-work), so everyone is healthy and strong. Can you imagine a 70-year-old man moving at blazing speed to hold back a stack of aluminium (around 70 kilos) beafore it crashes on somebody's head? So, everyone who doens't dump his body, his body doesn't bump him (I am a man, so I can't put "him/her"). It's like a car: when you stop using it, it goes rust, but when you do use it, it keeps going.

...A little sad biology background:

Man never stops beeing able to make a child (sexual activity doesn't drop). Unless there is a specific health problem. Man can have kids even in his 60s.

Women stop making children at 40-45-50, or at least, that is the limit of the age they can make a (mentaly and psysically) healthy child (without having themsevles health problems).

As expected, a woman at 47 will (most likely) not have the same bursts for sex (well, to be frank, only very few women will still want to talk about sex anymore) as a man at his 47.

When I was younger, I felt awfully/hideously when I was thinking that I would make a relationship with a girl, even 1 year older or younger than me! But now I see that a marriage with a woman of the same age might not be such a wise choice that I thought in the past.

Nature designed like that. I think it stinks, but...

Suggestion: do not put a seperation between young and old.


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

> Suggestion: do not put a seperation between young and old.


Heh, probably the best sexual experience I've ever had was with a forty-two year old woman (single, of course). That was just recently, and I'm 25.

....I guess it all depends on what everyone is after. Sorry, I haven't read this whole thread.


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

My best friend is dating a 40 something and he is just as immature as any of the other guys we've dated. It all depends on the person. The average person doesn't grow up from 16-50. Everyone wants the same thing. Love, affection, some want sex. It just all depends on the person. I've never been into men that were a lot older than me. Probably goes my mom always dated old guys and it left me scarred. But my vice is smart guys and I always end up falling for strange guys with all kinds of idiosyncracies because I get off on really intelligent men so most of the time it ends up not working in the long run. Eh...


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## Brainsilence02 (Jan 29, 2005)

enngirl5 said:


> Everyone wants the same thing. Love, affection, some want sex


I don't entirely agree.

A complete relations requires the following items
- communication
- sentiments
- sex


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## Guest (Jun 3, 2005)

Im gonna brag a bit too. Ive been with a woman who was 15 years older than me. I was very young though (25) and she WAS married...lol Dont know how I got there...LOL, but anyway, it was exciting and fun and a loving experience. But I find the women of my age as hot as any age (ofcourse not too young, and not too old). 8)


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## Ben (Apr 21, 2005)

I wasn't bragging - just making note that sometimes it's okay to bridge the age gap now and then.


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## Guest (Jun 3, 2005)

Ben said:


> I wasn't bragging - just making note that sometimes it's okay to bridge the age gap now and then.


Sorry, I got the impression that you did. And I agree with what you say.


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