# Introduction



## jneal (May 7, 2009)

This is my introduction to this forum. I am thirty-nine years old and have had depersonalization disorder since I was eighteen. I finally was able to be productive in my thirties after spending many years self-medicating with various drugs. For me, depersonalization was like becoming a different person, a stranger to myself. I took me many years to learn that my new self was O.K. I came to realize that just because I experience reality differently due to my illness, I could still build a life in the world for myself. Through many years of struggle I am now a confident and fairly content person. I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved. If anyone reads this introduction who is struggling with depersonalization, know that it can be overcome and lived with. The Navajo believe that all knowledge comes through suffering, and I believe that a person with depersonalization can eventually find peace with himself/herself and the world.


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

We don't want such peace! We want to struggle with reality, not with unreality.


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## jneal (May 7, 2009)

nix said:


> We don't want such peace! We want to struggle with reality, not with unreality.


You have been taught what is reality by the culture in which you live. In Buddhism, the highest level of spiritual achievement is when a person detaches from and looses their sense of self. I struggled for many years with my depersonalization. I would obsess over it and spend all of my time hoping for a cure and a return to "reality." The truth that I came to realize is that I would no longer allow society to define me as mentally ill and defective just because I experienced "reality" different than so called normal people. If you want to struggle with reality and go to war with yourself, then so be it. For me, finding peace was the answer.


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

jneal said:


> You have been taught what is reality by the culture in which you live. In Buddhism, the highest level of spiritual achievement is when a person detaches from and looses their sense of self. I struggled for many years with my depersonalization. I would obsess over it and spend all of my time hoping for a cure and a return to "reality." The truth that I came to realize is that I would no longer allow society to define me as mentally ill and defective just because I experienced "reality" different than so called normal people. If you want to struggle with reality and go to war with yourself, then so be it. For me, finding peace was the answer.


First of all, derealization is nothing spiritual. It is sometimes a symptom of lyme borreliosis and I doubt that bacteria is on higher spiritual level. 
So please, cut the crap!


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

nix said:


> I doubt that bacteria is on higher spiritual level.


Even though I have nothing against people's beliefs and even though I've been feeling down these last days, I gotta say, that was epic LOL


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## voidvoid (Sep 5, 2008)

This thread is complicated. While I am often irritated by people who think that they have dp/dr just because they question and ponder spirituality/existentialism, the OP has some valid points about acceptance and peace of mind.

EDIT: I am not saying that you the OP do not suffer from dp/dr.


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## jneal (May 7, 2009)

nix said:


> First of all, derealization is nothing spiritual. It is sometimes a symptom of lyme borreliosis and I doubt that bacteria is on higher spiritual level.
> So please, cut the crap!


First of all, I said nothing of derealization. Also, if you want to off handidly dismiss one of the worlds major religions and its beliefs, then that is up to you. I am not trying to say that what the Buddhists believe is what I believe. I am merely trying to give an example of how what is a mental illness in one society is considered a higher level of consciousness in another society. My point is that for me, the only way that I could get on with my life as a person with depersonalization was to realize that who I am and how I experience reality is OK. I will no longer beat myself up and think I am defective because I experience depersonalization. I take pride in that I have learned to live with my illness and function in society at a high level. Just for the sake of argument, you mistake cause and effect. Some Native American tribes would use peyote to achieve what they believed to be a higher spiritual attainment. They would argue that there is nothing in and of itself spiritual about the peyote, just the effects that it produced in the mind. I suggest you cut the crap and open your mind to perspectives besides your own.


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

jneal said:


> First of all, I said nothing of derealization. Also, if you want to off handidly dismiss one of the worlds major religions and its beliefs, then that is up to you. I am not trying to say that what the Buddhists believe is what I believe. I am merely trying to give an example of how what is a mental illness in one society is considered a higher level of consciousness in another society. My point is that for me, the only way that I could get on with my life as a person with depersonalization was to realize that who I am and how I experience reality is OK. I will no longer beat myself up and think I am defective because I experience depersonalization. I take pride in that I have learned to live with my illness and function in society at a high level. Just for the sake of argument, you mistake cause and effect. Some Native American tribes would use peyote to achieve what they believed to be a higher spiritual attainment. They would argue that there is nothing in and of itself spiritual about the peyote, just the effects that it produced in the mind. I suggest you cut the crap and open your mind to perspectives besides your own.


So, it's desirable to feel screwed? Actualy, I don't care for other people beliefs and I even don't care for my own belief. I actualy never really cared for mass stupidity. 
You didn't tak about derealization? Oh, so you know there is such a big difference between DR and DP? Probably, it is not, becuase symptoms are to most people very similiar. 
It's problem with chemistry in bran and it does not have anything with spiritual things. 
I wonder why almost all of us here must be screwed, scared, anxious or on drugs before we reached that "higher level of consciousness"? 
It seems that the more you are screwed, there are more chance for you to become enlightened being.
SO COME ON PEOPLE.... REACH ELIGHTEMENT THROUGH YOUR FEARS AND ANXIETY!!!! 
Or even better. Let tick bite you and give you some enlightened bacteria that will guide you through your FUCKED UP SPIRITUAL AWAKENING!


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

nix said:


> So, it's desirable to feel screwed? Actualy, I don't care for other people beliefs and I even don't care for my own belief. I actualy never really cared for mass stupidity.
> You didn't tak about derealization? Oh, so you know there is such a big difference between DR and DP? Probably, it is not, becuase symptoms are to most people very similiar.
> It's problem with chemistry in bran and it does not have anything with spiritual things.
> I wonder why almost all of us here must be screwed, scared, anxious or on drugs before we reached that "higher level of consciousness"?
> ...


LOL, sorry this made me laugh


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## jneal (May 7, 2009)

nix said:


> So, it's desirable to feel screwed? Actualy, I don't care for other people beliefs and I even don't care for my own belief. I actualy never really cared for mass stupidity.
> You didn't tak about derealization? Oh, so you know there is such a big difference between DR and DP? Probably, it is not, becuase symptoms are to most people very similiar.
> It's problem with chemistry in bran and it does not have anything with spiritual things.
> I wonder why almost all of us here must be screwed, scared, anxious or on drugs before we reached that "higher level of consciousness"?
> ...


I have experienced depersonalization for twwenty years. You do not need to tell me about the fear, anxiety, or feeling screwed that comes with depersonalization. I spent ten years feeling lost, suicidal, depressed, alone, and alienated. I think that you have missed the point that I am making. Whether depersonalization produces a higher level of consciousness is not really important. What is important to me is that I had to find a way to get on with my life and learn to live and function in society. My point is that I had to rebuild my entire life due to my depersonalizaton. I had to relearn how to have self-esteem and to accept who I was. If I held on to a belief that I was defective and worthless due to my depersonalization then I would still be depressed and suicidal today. My point about a spiritual awakening was merely to show that a person with depersonalization need not continuously suffer. I have tried at least seven different medications in an attempt to help alleviate my depersonalization. The choice that I faced was to sit alone, feeling alienated and lost, or to get on with my life. I had to admit to myself after ten years of struggle that I may never recover. At that point I decided to rebuild my life and to find peace with my depersonalization. I do not think that I have a higher level of consciousness, but I can not deny that how I experience reality is different than people without depersonalization. If there was a majic pill that would take away my depersonalization then I would take the pill. However, no such pill exists. I think that you and I have gotten off to a bad start. The main point that I was making was that FOR ME, the only way to get on with my life was to accept my depersonalization and to adapt to it the best I could.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

jneal said:


> I have experienced depersonalization for twwenty years. You do not need to tell me about the fear, anxiety, or feeling screwed that comes with depersonalization. I spent ten years feeling lost, suicidal, depressed, alone, and alienated. I think that you have missed the point that I am making. Whether depersonalization produces a higher level of consciousness is not really important. What is important to me is that I had to find a way to get on with my life and learn to live and function in society. My point is that I had to rebuild my entire life due to my depersonalizaton. I had to relearn how to have self-esteem and to accept who I was. If I held on to a belief that I was defective and worthless due to my depersonalization then I would still be depressed and suicidal today. My point about a spiritual awakening was merely to show that a person with depersonalization need not continuously suffer. I have tried at least seven different medications in an attempt to help alleviate my depersonalization. The choice that I faced was to sit alone, feeling alienated and lost, or to get on with my life. I had to admit to myself after ten years of struggle that I may never recover. At that point I decided to rebuild my life and to find peace with my depersonalization. I do not think that I have a higher level of consciousness, but I can not deny that how I experience reality is different than people without depersonalization. If there was a majic pill that would take away my depersonalization then I would take the pill. However, no such pill exists. I think that you and I have gotten off to a bad start. The main point that I was making was that FOR ME, the only way to get on with my life was to accept my depersonalization and to adapt to it the best I could.


I get you. To be honest, I think your first post wasn't very clear, that's probably why nix kinda got mad at you, I think that even I could have done what he did if I misunderstood your first post, and if I was going trough a really bad day.

Anyways, theres enough fighting in the world, theres no need for us to fight in here as well! Lets all get along


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

jneal said:


> I have experienced depersonalization for twwenty years. You do not need to tell me about the fear, anxiety, or feeling screwed that comes with depersonalization. I spent ten years feeling lost, suicidal, depressed, alone, and alienated. I think that you have missed the point that I am making. Whether depersonalization produces a higher level of consciousness is not really important. What is important to me is that I had to find a way to get on with my life and learn to live and function in society. My point is that I had to rebuild my entire life due to my depersonalizaton. I had to relearn how to have self-esteem and to accept who I was. If I held on to a belief that I was defective and worthless due to my depersonalization then I would still be depressed and suicidal today. My point about a spiritual awakening was merely to show that a person with depersonalization need not continuously suffer. I have tried at least seven different medications in an attempt to help alleviate my depersonalization. The choice that I faced was to sit alone, feeling alienated and lost, or to get on with my life. I had to admit to myself after ten years of struggle that I may never recover. At that point I decided to rebuild my life and to find peace with my depersonalization. I do not think that I have a higher level of consciousness, but I can not deny that how I experience reality is different than people without depersonalization. If there was a majic pill that would take away my depersonalization then I would take the pill. However, no such pill exists. I think that you and I have gotten off to a bad start. The main point that I was making was that FOR ME, the only way to get on with my life was to accept my depersonalization and to adapt to it the best I could.


Ok, I think that I understand now better what you are trying to tell. So, after accepting it, is it any better or DP is still on same level like before? 
My DR oscilate. I can't say that I am emotionless or numb, but my whole perception of the world is way off like in a dream or that I'm not even sure that this is reality. At best, I was for sure 70% closer to reality, but now I am again somehwere at 25%. 
I agree that trying to live normal is probably the best cure. 
And don't worry, no hard feelings. I am capable to say many ugly things, but I almost never take it so seriously, especialy not on forums








I am also a bit too much frustrated because of this condition.


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## PositiveThinking! (Mar 5, 2010)

nix said:


> Ok, I think that I understand now better what you are trying to tell. So, after accepting it, is it any better or DP is still on same level like before?
> My DR oscilate. I can't say that I am emotionless or numb, but my whole perception of the world is way off like in a dream or that I'm not even sure that this is reality. At best, I was for sure 70% closer to reality, but now I am again somehwere at 25%.
> I agree that trying to live normal is probably the best cure.
> And don't worry, no hard feelings. I am capable to say many ugly things, but I almost never take it so seriously, especialy not on forums
> ...


I'm glad this mess has been solved









And it's perfectly understandable that you get mad easily in this situation, having DP/DR really makes us go nuts sometimes


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## jneal (May 7, 2009)

PositiveThinking! said:


> I'm glad this mess has been solved
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Accepting my depersonalization has made my life better. I used to sit around and hope and pray every day to see even a minor improvement in my condition. After many years of this it was better for me to give up the hope that I would someday improve and return to my old self. Letting go of how I used to be and accepting the new me allowed me to get on with my life. I still think that maybe some day my condition will change, but I try not to think about it. The key for me was rebuilding my self-esteem. The depersonalization made me feel alienated from not only myself, but other people as well. It was like I had to start all over again in life. I had to relearn social skills, come to terms with my new sense of self, and relearn how to truely care about myself and other people. To quote Jerry Garcia, "what a long strange trip its been."


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## jneal (May 7, 2009)

PositiveThinking! said:


> I'm glad this mess has been solved
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My reply to you is one post down.


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