# My life is over. Fuck it.



## Melissa_Z

JUST FUCK IT. If I need to be a bitch to anyone on here I will be. I don't care anymore. I don't even believe this is DR or DP anymore or whatever the hell you call this fucking piece of shit. My mind is fading away. DAY BY FUCKING DAY ITS WORSE AND WORSE. NEVER STAYS THE SAME. There has to be something behind this, this is not normal and I am so tired of living my life in hell. Say what you want, be calm, distract yourself, all that bull shit, has it helped a little? Yes...but as the days go by I feel my mind drifting away more and more. Eventually I won't be able to function. How scared do you think I am?!?! Fuck this.


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## Guest

you need to fucking accept this and continue on with life, get on some drugs and accept it. if you truly dont care then fuck the dp, stop being a little bitch, the dp doesnt run you youre just letting it. like seriously quit waiting for the dp to get better by itself because it fucking wont, you will prob have this for the rest of your life and so be it.


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## kate_edwin

No need to tell her off....

Don't give up. I've been at this a really long ass time. More then a decade. Things get better, some things get worse, others get better, others change. But you have to have effort and a plan, a path to follow. And people to help keep you on it. It's a hell of a lot of work. But if I can go through all the sh t I've been through - hospitals , er's , police , screwed up group homes, multiple assaults.... You can do it too.


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## Melissa_Z

Excuse me? Stop being a little bitch? This is torture. No one should accept that their life is drifting away day by day and NOTHING makes it better. I have every right to be pissed. and thank you, Kate.


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## seeingisbelieving123

what is up with the name calling? is that how you talk to people that need help??? It is completely inappropriate, uncalled for and the last thing anyone wants to hear when they are in complete desperation. 
when you feel like shit you may not feel the most upbeat or cheery!

Melissa anything you have tried in the past that has remotely helped your symptoms? Is there something in your environment that keeps you in such a bad dp/dr state?


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## Joshu

I am sure that you don't know this, but here in Minnesota it is forbidden to be angry - Cheerful, stiff upper lip and all that.

However, if you don't happen to live in Minnesota, it is ok to be pissed. Rage would be a rational and understandable reaction to this.

Maybe even enjoy it.

J


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## opie37060

Keep your head up Melissa. I am barely making it through this myself.


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## roo

❮


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## rightwrong99

Auldie said:


> you need to fucking accept this and continue on with life, get on some drugs and accept it. if you truly dont care then fuck the dp, stop being a little bitch, the dp doesnt run you youre just letting it. like seriously quit waiting for the dp to get better by itself because it fucking wont, you will prob have this for the rest of your life and so be it.


...meds. just get on lots of meds. lamictal helped my DR a lot. Have u tried it? Really though, u have to live with dp, might as well try to get comfortable.. somehow.


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## Quarter Pounder

Hey Melissa, of course you're not a "little bitch" despite what some idiots like Auldie might say. What you are going through -and some of us in this forum- it's harder than what the vast majority of people go through in their entire lives. I can really relate to you... I have that "life is over" sensation too.
But remember that that's not a real depiction of what is happening but only a symptom. That, all the actual psychological/neurological symptoms, don't knowing how much it will last -if not your entire lifetime- and the lack of people understanding and are what make DPD... Well, DPD.

This is a very fucked up condition or chronic illness, or whatever you want to call it, and it sounds you're going through a very bad time. But it eventually does get's better... Not THAT better, but at least life is somehow bearable again. Some people learn to live with it, most get much better, and some get mysteriously cured. So that's the only advice I can give you right now, just be patient. :/


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## Guest

Melissa_Z said:


> Excuse me? Stop being a little bitch? This is torture. No one should accept that their life is drifting away day by day and NOTHING makes it better. I have every right to be pissed. and thank you, Kate.


you can either accept the fact that you got dealt a shitty hand of cards in life or you can complain about it forever while doing nothing to change the situation, what do you want us to tell you? that everything will be fine and the dp is just gunna go away? well guess what that most likely wont happen, you need to put in an effort no matter how hard it is and learn to come to terms with what happened.


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## Timer

Auldie said:


> you can either accept the fact that you got dealt a shitty hand of cards in life or you can complain about it forever while doing nothing to change the situation, what do you want us to tell you? that everything will be fine and the dp is just gunna go away? well guess what that most likely wont happen, you need to put in an effort no matter how hard it is and learn to come to terms with what happened.


I don't think its as black and white as this. It may be rare to recover, however it is possible and thats what Melissa needs to be told. Find out what she has tried? Supplements / CBT / exercise / meds ? None of them a proven cure, but they have all helped people in certain situations and perhaps shes one of the ones it will help?

No need to be so 'matter of fact' about it - "you've got DP, your gonna have it forever bitch, get on with it - suck it up". It's not always the case. Have you got out the wrong side of bed this morning?

I was always told if you have nothing nice to say...then dont say nothing.


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## insaticiable

Melissa, have you considered making an appt with a neurologist? If you say that your symptoms are getting worse day by day, then they may be able to detect something by taking a few scans. The only two scans that I know of which actually SHOW DP are a PET scan and an fMRI. (They are expensive though).

Honestly girl, people on the forums can only do so much. We can give you lots of support and offer what has worked for us, but at this point it seems apparent that you need a higher level of care from a professional.

Also, regarding medications...although I know you had a bad experience with Zoloft and Abilify in the past and are now taking Prozac (but it isn't being very helpful), you may want to consider trying Lamictal. Lamictal has proven in some studies to dramatically help reduce certain symptoms of DP/DR.

Please don't give up. We are all cheering for you. But please....DO consider making an appt with a neurologist.


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## Melissa_Z

I've seen a neurologist and everything is normal. I just got a blood test for Lyme disease which I had 10 years ago and can only cause these crazy symptoms. This is not normal, I just want to get better but I'm not and I am losing hope. I am so scared. Doctors have checked me out, and everything appears normal, so here I am suffering and I'm being told that nothing is wrong. What the fuck.


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## insaticiable

Melissa_Z said:


> I've seen a neurologist and everything is normal. I just got a blood test for Lyme disease which I had 10 years ago and can only cause these crazy symptoms. This is not normal, I just want to get better but I'm not and I am losing hope. I am so scared. Doctors have checked me out, and everything appears normal, so here I am suffering and I'm being told that nothing is wrong. What the fuck.


So then it appears that your symptoms are mental, not physical. I know your seeing a therapist right now and I know you said she is worried about your mental health, but you may need to change the type of therapy you are getting. Other options to try out would be CBT or DBT. At this point...you need to search every avenue psychiatrically available that may alleviate some of your symptoms.


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## Melissa_Z

Sandy, I must say that you are such a sweetheart, you have always tried to help somehow and never judged me. That means a lot.







I wish my symptoms were alleviated but it just gets more severe day by day, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that will never end OR I will never win.


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## insaticiable

Melissa_Z said:


> Sandy, I must say that you are such a sweetheart, you have always tried to help somehow and never judged me. That means a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I wish my symptoms were alleviated but it just gets more severe day by day, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that will never end OR I will never win.


Aww thanks girl.







I'm not really a big fan of judging anyone, although I can get frustrated at people sometimes lol.

I know it feels like a never ending battle or one that you may never get out of, but I think at this point, you just haven't found the right therapeutic/psychiatric intervention that will help you break out of this.

It's also really bizarre how you first started out with very mild symptoms and could carry out your life with no problems, but that it suddenly got soo much worse over time and is affecting you so much in different areas now. Do you have ANY idea on what could have made it possibly worse?

Btw...do you have skype? If so, PM me your username.


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## Melissa_Z

insaticiable said:


> Aww thanks girl.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not really a big fan of judging anyone, although I can get frustrated at people sometimes lol.
> 
> I know it feels like a never ending battle or one that you may never get out of, but I think at this point, you just haven't found the right therapeutic/psychiatric intervention that will help you break out of this.
> 
> It's also really bizarre how you first started out with very mild symptoms and could carry out your life with no problems, but that it suddenly got soo much worse over time and is affecting you so much in different areas now. Do you have ANY idea on what could have made it possibly worse?
> 
> Btw...do you have skype? If so, PM me your username.


Yes, I agree. That is VERY bizarre. I think meds could of made it worse, maybe my brain is just too sensitive, I don't know.







I'm running out of answers, I don't know who could help me anymore, I just NEED to get better, even if it's a little bit, I would be so thankful.


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## seeingisbelieving123

Melissa_Z said:


> I've seen a neurologist and everything is normal. I just got a blood test for Lyme disease which I had 10 years ago and can only cause these crazy symptoms. This is not normal, I just want to get better but I'm not and I am losing hope. I am so scared. Doctors have checked me out, and everything appears normal, so here I am suffering and I'm being told that nothing is wrong. What the fuck.


It is quite possible that they never got rid of the Lymes disease the first time around, and it stayed in your system. You may want to consider seeing a Lyme Literate Medical Doctor, LLMD, most standard testing does not catch it and most medical doctors will not investigate too deeply into it or want to treat you for it based on your symptoms.
There are websites that you can find to locate the nearest one.
Also seeing a Naturopath might be another consideration, they don't treat you like a "run of the mill" crazy person, they will look at every single cause for your body being out of balance, despite your blood work being normal.


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## rightwrong99

Lisa *`* said:


> It is quite possible that they never got rid of the Lymes disease the first time around, and it stayed in your system. You may want to consider seeing a Lyme Literate Medical Doctor, LLMD, most standard testing does not catch it and most medical doctors will not investigate too deeply into it or want to treat you for it based on your symptoms.
> There are websites that you can find to locate the nearest one.
> Also seeing a Naturopath might be another consideration, they don't treat you like a "run of the mill" crazy person, they will look at every single cause for your body being out of balance, despite your blood work being normal.


Lyme disease...

"For early cases, prompt treatment is usually curative.[120] However, the severity and treatment of Lyme disease may be complicated due to late diagnosis, failure of antibiotic treatment, and simultaneous infection with other tick-borne diseases (coinfections), including ehrlichiosis, babesiosis, and immune suppression in the patient.
A meta-analysis published in 2005 found some patients with Lyme disease have fatigue, joint or muscle pain, and neurocognitive symptoms persisting for years, despite antibiotic treatment.[7] Patients with late stage Lyme disease have been shown to experience a level of physical disability equivalent to that seen in congestive heart failure.[121] In rare cases, Lyme disease can be fatal.[122]
Many patients report a lack of understanding among employers, family, and friends as being the most frustrating aspect of Lyme disease. The fatigue that accompanies it may be perceived as malingering, especially after the disease enters its second and third week of treatment."


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## rightwrong99

newyork said:


> Lyme disease...
> 
> "For early cases, prompt treatment is usually curative.[120] However, the severity and treatment of Lyme disease may be complicated due to late diagnosis, failure of antibiotic treatment, and simultaneous infection with other tick-borne diseases (coinfections), including ehrlichiosis, babesiosis, and immune suppression in the patient.
> A meta-analysis published in 2005 found some patients with Lyme disease have fatigue, joint or muscle pain, and neurocognitive symptoms persisting for years, despite antibiotic treatment.[7] Patients with late stage Lyme disease have been shown to experience a level of physical disability equivalent to that seen in congestive heart failure.[121] In rare cases, Lyme disease can be fatal.[122]
> Many patients report a lack of understanding among employers, family, and friends as being the most frustrating aspect of Lyme disease. The fatigue that accompanies it may be perceived as malingering, especially after the disease enters its second and third week of treatment."


Consider neurofeedback as a treatment if u have nothing left to do...

"EEG biofeedback (EBF) was evaluated in a 44-year old male with advanced Lyme disease and associated cognitive dysfunction. Reatment consisted of 40 sessions of EBF designed to suppress theta and enhance beta. Following treatment, the patient reported a 50% improvement overall in cognitive functioning. A modest improvement in theta, the theta/ beta ratio, and the P3 evoked potential were also observed. Results indicate a possible role for EBF in advanced stage Lyme disease."

http://www.eeginfo.com/research/lyme_main.html


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## rightwrong99

Shit.. sorry.. I keep remembering things...

What test did u get done by a neurologist exactly? You should get a QEEG. It could determine where there are electrical abnormalities in your brain.


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## Rebekah

Melissa_Z said:


> JUST FUCK IT. If I need to be a bitch to anyone on here I will be. I don't care anymore. I don't even believe this is DR or DP anymore or whatever the hell you call this fucking piece of shit. My mind is fading away. DAY BY FUCKING DAY ITS WORSE AND WORSE. NEVER STAYS THE SAME. There has to be something behind this, this is not normal and I am so tired of living my life in hell. Say what you want, be calm, distract yourself, all that bull shit, has it helped a little? Yes...but as the days go by I feel my mind drifting away more and more. Eventually I won't be able to function. How scared do you think I am?!?! Fuck this.


Just want you to know that I feel your pain, if that helps at all, Melissa. What makes my DP symptoms go away, is by recognizing who is screwing with me in my life at the time I am feeling the worst symptoms. Is someone abusing you? Abandoning you? Putting you down? Anyone whom I have trusted with my emotions and who had betrayed that trust puts me into DP-land. I can take the abuse from, say, a clerk on the phone from the electric company (no emotional attachment), but I cannot take abuse from say a boyfriend who's being selfish emotionally. If these people turn their backs on me which my parents have done, also, then I dissociate. I can't be around people who say they love me, but act like they hate me. I feel completely healed when I am with people whom I can trust emotionally, and who act nice. At a very basic level of my instinct, I become whole again when people aren't fucking with me.


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## Edis

Hi melissa dont give up put dry rice in shoes it will distract your mind
Honest it wont hurt your feet and your dp will be better.


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## derkdiggler

melisa let me tell you point blank and listen carefully, you want to no whats wrong with you, do you? well ill tel you, because its the same thing thats wrong with me, and i suggest you find a llmd and get treatment right away ok here it goes and you can thank me later YOU HAVE NEUROLOGICAL LYMES DISEASE last time i will tell anybody on this site what theyre real problem is


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## kate_edwin

you've had all the medical work ups, have you seen a psychologist?


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## juls09

You are not being a bitch at all. the truth is that i feel like that sometimes as well. and honsetly i think its normal. some things i learned that made mine worse is caffine and smoking when i cut those things out i feel so much better. i try to eat right as well. here is a link that helped me
http://www.sound-mind.org/depersonalization.html hope this helps!


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## RedRed

I have been dealing with DP for over 30 years and do you want to know something?. Brace yourself, because I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you you're a grown women. It usually never goes. It never leaves and it is always there for me. So you're going to have to get used to the idea. You won't recover, its unlikely anyway. Your mind has forgotten how to get back and trust me after months of this disorder i doubt your brain will ever go back to normal. I nearly cried when this lasted for days,but guess what? I've lived with this horrible life changing disorder for 30 fucking years and it is still painful and it still eats away at me. I am actually diagnosed with DPD. I lived for absolutely years with this fucker without having a clue what i got. Lifes hard, drivings hard, working is hard.

Its not easy for anyone unless they have recovered or are recovering. I've felt a lot better at times, but when stress hits it gets worse and worse. I've had checkups i have had blood tests, everything. All I'm going to say is and i dont mean to scare you but if you really cant take living anymore, then I'd advise you to hand yourself in to a mental hospital. It actually helped me you know it wasn't too bad really but there were guards watching me 24/7 and in the state i was in i was quite paranoid.

Another thing you can try is CBT i went 2 months ago (or stopped 2 months ago) i got it free on health care, the lady was alright, she knew a little bit about dpd too so its always a bonus







.

All I'm going to say is try and learn to live with it, like being gay or lesbian, it usually never goes for most people (harsh) but true. Look at the figures. Just accept that shit happens and this time its happened to you. If you think your life is over, try going to a pych hospital, as i said before they may be able to help you.

Keep positive, take your vitamins, sleep well, exercise, meditation and you will almost defo find it easier to live with. PM me if you want to talk anymore


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## Melissa_Z

RedRed said:


> I have been dealing with DP for over 30 years and do you want to know something?. Brace yourself, because I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you you're a grown women. It usually never goes. It never leaves and it is always there for me. So you're going to have to get used to the idea. You won't recover, its unlikely anyway. Your mind has forgotten how to get back and trust me after months of this disorder i doubt your brain will ever go back to normal. I nearly cried when this lasted for days,but guess what? I've lived with this horrible life changing disorder for 30 fucking years and it is still painful and it still eats away at me. I am actually diagnosed with DPD. I lived for absolutely years with this fucker without having a clue what i got. Lifes hard, drivings hard, working is hard.
> 
> Its not easy for anyone unless they have recovered or are recovering. I've felt a lot better at times, but when stress hits it gets worse and worse. I've had checkups i have had blood tests, everything. All I'm going to say is and i dont mean to scare you but if you really cant take living anymore, then I'd advise you to hand yourself in to a mental hospital. It actually helped me you know it wasn't too bad really but there were guards watching me 24/7 and in the state i was in i was quite paranoid.
> 
> Another thing you can try is CBT i went 2 months ago (or stopped 2 months ago) i got it free on health care, the lady was alright, she knew a little bit about dpd too so its always a bonus
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .
> 
> All I'm going to say is try and learn to live with it, like being gay or lesbian, it usually never goes for most people (harsh) but true. Look at the figures. Just accept that shit happens and this time its happened to you. If you think your life is over, try going to a pych hospital, as i said before they may be able to help you.
> 
> Keep positive, take your vitamins, sleep well, exercise, meditation and you will almost defo find it easier to live with. PM me if you want to talk anymore


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can barely make it through the day. 30 years? Wow. Congratulations. I'm going to find a way to get better because this is honestly NOT RIGHT. I can't work, or do normal things, that's how bad it is. It's so fucked up and not getting better. This has ruined my life and I won't let it anymore. Sorry. I pretty much feel like I'm running out of time, and won't be able to function anymore. If it stayed the same and didn't get worse, OF COURSE I would accept it, but if I have to live with the fact that it just keeps getting worse and my symptoms are becoming worse day by day, and NOT getting better, then hell yeah I'm pissed as hell. Nothing works. I'm watching my mind slip away. Nice right?


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## RedRed

Melissa_Z said:


> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can barely make it through the day. 30 years? Wow. Congratulations. I'm going to find a way to get better because this is honestly NOT RIGHT. I can't work, or do normal things, that's how bad it is. It's so fucked up and not getting better. This has ruined my life and I won't let it anymore. Sorry. I pretty much feel like I'm running out of time, and won't be able to function anymore. If it stayed the same and didn't get worse, OF COURSE I would accept it, but if I have to live with the fact that it just keeps getting worse and my symptoms are becoming worse day by day, and NOT getting better, then hell yeah I'm pissed as hell. Nothing works. I'm watching my mind slip away. Nice right?


Nope its not nice. And as I am talking to you now i feel as though i am dissapearing. Trust me i feel as though my life has slipped away before my eyes. I am getting old and everyday is a fucking struggle. But the only way i cope is by having a positive outlook on life. I have been reading books i have taken all the supplements that are supposed to work i have even considered electro therapy. Nothing really works. It does get easier as the years go on. Lets face it life does not last long does it? All i can say to you is, i hope one day you find peace with this disorder. Its a rough road ahead, and if youre trying to get better, well...keep your chin up and keep a positive mindset. Its the only way. After 3 decades i have given up. I hope you don't though :/


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## TheStarter

*Please Melissa_Z read this slowly and pay attention, put on some calming music or something. Cause some things i say have really helped me and/or are really useful for a person in your situation*

I'm confused.. you yet keep saying that you will 'Fuck it' yet you care too much









Have you ever been checked up with borderline related with mild schizophrenia? Cause it shows some related symptoms (yeh.. yet again symptoms, im getting sick of this word, and it doesn't feel right to throw disorders at you like a blind horse, excuse my behaviour)
I've been watching you since i've joined here, so i probably know more about you than you think.

I believe you suffer, you seem to express it alot with a shitload of frustration, it must be really bothering you.

Now, life is unfair, as Auldie already said, we got dealt shitty cards.
Girl, you are hurting yourself way more than neccesary









I know you have tried Ativan (Lorazepam) and Lexapro, clearly it didn't do a good job cause you are still too fed up with life.
I'm willing to bet that you have used even more medication, still nothing seems to relieve you a tiny bit.

Personally i think group therapy (not just CBT) would do you better in the long run than any drugs will do in the short run.
But there is one thing you need to do if you decide to follow any therapy, *open up*!

I can't stress enough how important it is to open up, to share the worst secrets, the worst memory and talking about your horrible experiences with life is.

I hope you realize that doing therapy is better than sitting alone, crying, drowning in your own sadness









The way i see it is that you use this forum when you're about to blow up and once you start talking you blow up and express how angry and sad you are.
Thats good! But trust my words if i say that doing that in a therapy-group is WAAAAAAAAY more useful than on a forum, really! There probably won't be people with DP, but there WILL be people with the same problems, only you are experiencing it with DP. Oh and ofcourse you are guided by trained proffessionals! (If you managed to find the right hospital. Shouldn't be hard since Dr. House his hospital is in New Jersey haha







) trust me on this one.

And yes, there are also UPS & DOWNS in a therapy-group.. but that's what our life is all about isn't it now ?









Oh and if you want to go and try a therapy-group, but there's a money issue, check your insurance if you have one, most of them include financing recognized-therapy.

Do something with this that im telling you, please.

Greetings
'Don' Steffa

EDIT:

And when you think 'Well my DP will not go away' DON'T FOCUS ON DP, focus on the problems besides DP, cause they most likely triggered it. Maybe we won't get rid of DP, but doing this WILL make you HAPPIER atleast.


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## Melissa_Z

I love how everything is so sugar coated, like it's no big deal. I don't think anyone has any idea how fucked up I feel and continue to feel every day. Today's its even worse butim not surprised anymore. I wake up crying every morning it's so bad. I don't want this anymore. I want this nightmare to end. My mind is quickly drifting away. I don't deserve this shit.At this point I am DESPERATE. Some people may have control over this, sadly, I don't. I feel like my mind has a virus and it's being attacked and there's nothing I can do about it but see it get worse. Yeah I can try vitamins, and all that stuff but it won't help. No one gets it, day by day, I am fighting for my life. What the fuck am I going to do.


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## Jormungandr

a question to you, melissa.
could you tell me how your dissociations started? are you experiencing fatigue?

wishes of well being to you. hang in there.


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## Melissa_Z

Jormungandr said:


> a question to you, melissa.
> could you tell me how your dissociations started? are you experiencing fatigue?
> 
> wishes of well being to you. hang in there.


This thing started august 2010. Started getting even worse late 2011 till now.


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## violetgirl

I agree with a lot of what Don Steffa says. A therapy group might be a good thing.
I attend a group for people with Dissociative disorders such as DP, DID, borderline personality etc. It really helps to meet other people who have the same problems.

We use something called Mindfulness which seems to be working. It's about living in the moment, relaxing, grounding techniques. A lot of it is about changing how you feel about situations, non judgement of yourself and reducing anxeity. 
Here's a post I made about it. 
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/28785-how-mindfulness-could-help-you-please-read/page__p__239100__fromsearch__1#entry239100

Suppliments that have helped me are 5hpt, omega 3 and vitamin B complex. Meds have been pretty useless and made my DP worse.

Also, all this talk of Lymes disease and whatever else is not helpful.

DP is a dissociative disorder, there are logical reasons that your brain is doing this to you.

Look into TRE- Trauma Release Excercises to relax you and see if that helps.


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## RedRed

Your being selfish now. What do you want people to say? Look at all the advice people are giving you, are you reading it are you taking any of it in at all? As someone said above, you said you will get better "cause this aint right" then on the other hand you're saying "fuck it my life is over". Do you want attention? What is it you want? Haha what do you think you're the one who is suffering the most on this forum? Cause trust me I very much doubt you're at the top of the list of most severe cases of DP.

You either pull yourself together, or stay where you are being scared and saying "oh i dont deserve this" Well guess what life aint fair, it throws a lot of crap at you. Deal with it.

READ THE ADVICE PEOPLE ARE GIVING YOU. THEY ARE SPENDING VALUBLE TIME TELLING YOU AND ADVISING YOU WHAT TO DO AND ALL YOUR DOING US THROWING IT BACK IN THEIR FUCKING FACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ASKING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.

Put it this way you either deal with it now or you'll be here next year repeating yourself. Its up to you. If you want to be here in the next 3 or 4 years then go ahead dont listen to anyone.


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## Melissa_Z

RedRed said:


> Your being selfish now. What do you want people to say? Look at all the advice people are giving you, are you reading it are you taking any of it in at all? As someone said above, you said you will get better "cause this aint right" then on the other hand you're saying "fuck it my life is over". Do you want attention? What is it you want? Haha what do you think you're the one who is suffering the most on this forum? Cause trust me I very much doubt you're at the top of the list of most severe cases of DP.
> 
> You either pull yourself together, or stay where you are being scared and saying "oh i dont deserve this" Well guess what life aint fair, it throws a lot of crap at you. Deal with it.
> 
> READ THE ADVICE PEOPLE ARE GIVING YOU. THEY ARE SPENDING VALUBLE TIME TELLING YOU AND ADVISING YOU WHAT TO DO AND ALL YOUR DOING US THROWING IT BACK IN THEIR FUCKING FACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP ASKING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER.
> 
> Put it this way you either deal with it now or you'll be here next year repeating yourself. Its up to you. If you want to be here in the next 3 or 4 years then go ahead dont listen to anyone.


How am I being selfish? How? I don't know what to do anymore, of course I am desperate and sick of this. Honestly, I do think that what I am going through is more severe, yes. It does piss me off when I read that people are still able to live a normal life and here I am stuck, like I said earlier I have every right to be angry. When nothing works and nothing helps and you continue to suffer and feel worse, what the hell would you do? What do you do when you have no more options?


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## kate_edwin

Borderline is not related to schizophrenia....

Mellissa, Try some dbt or mindfulness and acceptance or act workbooks for dp or anxiety, I've been taugh that stuff forever, if you need help I'm all in.


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## toshibatelly

Melissa_Z said:


> *JUST FUCK IT. If I need to be a bitch to anyone on here I will be*. I don't care anymore. I don't even believe this is DR or DP anymore or whatever the hell you call this fucking piece of shit. My mind is fading away. DAY BY FUCKING DAY ITS WORSE AND WORSE. NEVER STAYS THE SAME. There has to be something behind this, this is not normal and I am so tired of living my life in hell. Say what you want, be calm, distract yourself, all that bull shit, has it helped a little? Yes...but as the days go by I feel my mind drifting away more and more. Eventually I won't be able to function. How scared do you think I am?!?! Fuck this.


You begin your post with an aggressive statement like that and then expect sympathy? Well you're not going to be getting any from here. By all means, be a bitch to me.







No-one here is enjoying the experience of DP, and none of your symptoms are unique. It isn't our fault you have DP, is it? Is there any reason to be rude? No, there is not. If you want to be part of a community then you are more than welcome, if you don't then, forgive me for saying this, kindly fuck off.


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## PhoenixDown

i personally like Melissa's attitude. She is not willing to accept that her life is over. She is a figher. Melissa, I say you try to go the medical system route and exhaust everything that could be wrong with you. There could be an obscure medical answer. That is certainly a better pursuit than trying to combat DP mentally - cuz that isn't possible.

I disagree with RedRed. Maybe things change after you've had it long enough, but i don't think DP is something you can just deal with. Certainly you can cope with it, and not lye in your suffering. But I personally find that I am always suffering regardless what I do, and that in all honesty my life is done. I live it with strength and honour, but I don't see the point. I know you've lived 30 years with it. But that is something I can't fathom, and want to avoid more than anything in this world.

I prefer to approach life with the fact that there is slight hope. I would say that chances are most of us are gonna be fucked, but that small chance of recovery is enough to continue on.

Fuck DP!


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## Quarter Pounder

I agree with PhoenixDown...

A question for all of those who advise to "learn to live with it", what keeps you from killing yourself? Honestly. If I'd somehow find out that I'll have this for the rest of my life, without hesitation I'd grab the first gun I find and top myself off (after saying goodbye to everyone, and watch The Bucket List all that shit, of course).

Also, for some people this is harder than for others. Some have episodes of DP/DR others have it chronically, 24/7, etc. So, for all those who think that she's acting "immaturely", you probably have nothing in comparison so you simply don't understand.


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## Melissa_Z

To the last two posts, thank you guys.







and yes I am a fighter, always have been, yeah I am sorry for my attitude but I'm sure ANYONE would be pissed after trying everything, and there is no relief. I am very scared for my life and I was simply trying to reach out. Call it desperate yes, I am very. That is only because I am so scared.







I apologize for anything that anyone may of disagreed with.


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## newbrains

Melissa I will pray for u. I will pray that you may have rest and that you may bare this and have comfort. Turn to Jesus in prayer and ask him to come into your life and change you. He loves you more than you could imagine. I have struggled for 20 years now and still going. If you have'nt already definetly try Klonipin 1-2mgs a day. First time I took one I actually was able to smile. It helps calm the storm.


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## Rhiannon

Hi Melissa,

Wow.....I've read through all the comments on your posts from others and I can't believe how heartless some people are!!! You're reaching out for help and understanding on a forum that you would figure others could relate somewhat to what you're going through and some of the responses are worthless!

I have had this derealization crap for four years now 24/7 and if I could get over it by being strong, eating better, exercising, meds, talking myself out of it, keeping busy, etc. I would be over it by now, believe me. I have tried everything. I have wanted to die many times over this crap. I can't live a normal life either. I can't work, drive, take care of my family, have no energy, and I don't really want to be around people yet I'm very lonely.

You said it started for you back in Aug of 2011, or maybe 2010? Geez, I can't remember. Was there anything that you remember happened in your life at that time that brought it on? For me it has happened on and off for many years but would only last a day or two. Mine is because of severe trauma in childhood. I had repressed many of the memories.

Well, I just wanted to say you have helped me because I've never come across anyone that has this shit all the time. I have also said many times I feel like I'm in hell. Trying to explain this to others is useless. I feel like a freak show and I hate getting up in the morning and can't wait to go to bed at night.

Rhiannon


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## Guest

Melissa_Z said:


> Excuse me? Stop being a little bitch? This is torture. No one should accept that their life is drifting away day by day and NOTHING makes it better. I have every right to be pissed. and thank you, Kate.


Harden up


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## Fluke93

What about people who loose a mum or dad should they never have to accept that they have gone? LIfe is unfair I'm afriad and you can recover. I'm certain you can get through this.


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## Fluke93

Apoligies for the above post that may have been slightly harsh. Some of the other comments were totally out of line though. You're suffering and clearly have been for a while now, and you can't seem to find a way out. You can't imagine going through life with this for years and rightly so. It is an absolutely disgusting disorder and it is pretty much unbearable when at its worst. For me now, i feel almost like my old self again, but it also depends on the day. I've had this for a good 2 years now. It got better after going through 7 months of intense disabling DP. And trust me it was fucking disabling. What helped me really was i got kind of lucky, i reacted extremely well to citalopram. It made me feel better after about a week. It actually made me feel almost 100% myself for a few days too. About 4 months later i stopped it cold turkey and even today i still feel DP but it doesn't rule my life. I hardly think about it.

You have to rule out the things you've tried. What meds (if any) are you on now, and are you willing to try any others? Have you tried therapy like CBT and did it help or was it useless? You need to change your way of thinking, you need to stop aiming for recovery by thinking "by doing this i am going to recover". When people say accepting DP they don't mean accept DP for life, they mean accept that you have DP but it won't for certain stay for years. If you can accept the fact that you're feeling ill, and aim for getting better, and aim on just trying to forget about it each day, i would personally be amazed if you didn't feel a lot better, in time atleast. What things give you pleasure, there must be little things that comfort you? Friends, family members? Watching TV? You may feel like you're not in this world and not real, but do you get any comfort whatsoever?

However painful it is you're going to have to force yourself to change your attitude and that in itself will make you feel better.

As for the posts above, don't take any of them to heart, they are just a bit irritated probably, they don't mean it, everyone on this thread wants you to feel better we all know whats its like.


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## shellofme

I have a question for you as I have gotten my dp from benzo withdrawal. WHen were you taking the ativan, or how longand id you stop it cold turkey? psych meds can really do a number on your brain and it can take a long time for it to get back to normal. Hang in there sweetie!


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## TheStarter

Betcha haven't tried the builders bars method ? it relieved me from DP for a fair percentage.

But the hardest thing is to stuff yourself with 10 of those things a day.


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## sjkdfjsdlf

I don't have much to say to this thread, except that I am very angry with everyone who posts "You will have this for the rest of your life". WHY DO MODERATORS ALLOW THIS? This is one reason why this site only made things worse for me when I initially went through this hell in 2008. If I would have believed those things, I wouldn't have recovered after over a year of suffering. Each case is different, and I sincerely, SINCERELY pity anyone who has had to deal with this over a long period of time, but DP is a symptom. The most disturbing symptom ever, but it cannot be pinpointed in the brain, like cancer. There have been so many people who have recovered with SSRIs, which shows that controlling the anxiety/depression helps overcome the DP. You HAVE to find something that can ease your mind and control the OCD thoughts enough to get back to your life and eventually you will forget about it. That is how it worked for me. I am sorry if I am fighting anger with anger, but do not project your own negative experiences on others.


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## whatthehell

Some people might have this forever and some people won't. I highly_highly doubt that 99% of people suffering with these feelings
will be this way forever. Its just irrational. Its like saying you will always be hungry. Your body is always changing etc. The most likely reason
why all these people continue to suffer is: Never got appropriate help or didn't implement lifestyle changes with full commitment. Or they just
won't change at all or try medication to help them. Sorry to be so harsh, but there is NO way this issue can last forever without allowing it too. 
It sucks to hear that, but think about how much time you waste thinking about DP/DR? If you literally stopped obsessing, searching google, posting
stuff on here and got out of your own way then you would probably have moved on by now.

I for one, don't have it anymore as a constant stasis. Its brought on my stress or depress feelings. Get up, get outside, join the gym, 
stop drinking, stop caffeine, stop the internet, stop obsessing, stop talking about it all the time and you probably will see a great
improvement.

IM sure that some negative people will respond to this post with "you don't understand man, Its different for everyone". No, anxiety is not different. 
Its the same biological construct in every human being on earth. How you deal with it is how you escape.

End of Rant.


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## Iskalachi

Your life isnt over, You have just given up what stops you from going out? yourself not this condition you tell yourself my life is over but it really isnt you have alot to live for this thing is shit yes it is but will it kill you? no your giving yourself limitations not this disorder


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## Kelly__

Melissa_Z said:


> JUST FUCK IT. If I need to be a bitch to anyone on here I will be. I don't care anymore. I don't even believe this is DR or DP anymore or whatever the hell you call this fucking piece of shit. My mind is fading away. DAY BY FUCKING DAY ITS WORSE AND WORSE. NEVER STAYS THE SAME. There has to be something behind this, this is not normal and I am so tired of living my life in hell. Say what you want, be calm, distract yourself, all that bull shit, has it helped a little? Yes...but as the days go by I feel my mind drifting away more and more. Eventually I won't be able to function. How scared do you think I am?!?! Fuck this.


I know what u feel. I have this feeling from since I was 15 yrs old, I am 21 now! It's really hard. It's like a trip. Really believe me, i've had also good periods. But now I am stuckef in my own body. It's creepy I know. And accepting these feelings doesn't help, because I am so scared of it. Maybe u should take some meds? 
I know how u feel!
Grtz from belgium


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## Ivan Hawk

Don Steffa said:


> Betcha haven't tried the builders bars method ? it relieved me from DP for a fair percentage.
> 
> But the hardest thing is to stuff yourself with 10 of those things a day.


Where the hell's a mirror to that dude's video. XD
What did he call himself? Professor ..something?

hah - Liquid Vitamin B Complex, Cocao Beans, BUILDER BARS (never enough), and like some kind of supplement that started with an S or a C.

Builder Bar Owner


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