# Memory loss



## jae (Jul 20, 2007)

I suffer from episodes of memory loss...as in I can loose big chunks of my time...function normaly...interact with people...They see nothing "wrong" with me...Yet I will have NO memory of the time spent or the conversation had with them...I do not know just how much of my life I loose to this illness and that is a big issue for me...We are who we are because of our life experiences...but what if you don't know about them...who are you?

I ask that anyone who has this issue or something similar will resopond to this post...

Jae


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

I'm not sure if I understand you. Do you really lose time and you aren't aware of it or your memory is bad and you can't concentrate?


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## jae (Jul 20, 2007)

I REALLY loose time!!!!!!!!BIG chunks of my life are lost in a vast waste land of I don't know...


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## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Oh ok. Maybe you have Dissociative Fugue? (did you read the story of Luc?) While depersonalization you don't really lose time. Well, it can probably be other things as well. I don't know.

Are you at some kind of treatment? You should really chack it all out.


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## jae (Jul 20, 2007)

I get depersonalization when I have my panic attacks and ya I know that you don't really lose time in one of those states of mind. I am in treatment and all I was looking for here was to see if anyone else may of had a similar experince...I have looked into Dissociative states as well...
Not looking for treatment here...just here to see if someone else has been there or not...


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## Rain (Aug 7, 2007)

I can relate to what you wrote.
I, too, loses big chunks of time. I start a conversation and in the middle of it I completely forgets what the entire conversation was all about...
I get stuck in the middle, and need time to regain my memory, while most of the time I can't do it and I am forced (embraced) to change the subject. It is very annoying and difficult to me when I talk about something which is significantly important to me, and to be forced to change the subject with some lame excuse in order for the conversation to not die, or for me to escape from the embarcing situation.

Also, I have lost memory of alot of incidents of my past. I can't remember birthday parties I had, I can't remember my first kiss, my first sex, my first love. . I can't remember dates, esepcially important dates such as my ex-gf birthday and the date when we firstly met (when we were together). I can't remember telephone numbers, and I keep them all in my cell memory card.

Once, I was driving, and suddenly, for a few seconds, I felt as though I forgot how to drive! I was lost, didn't know where I was, what I Was doing, who I was. I was so scared I'd do an accident, I Was driving on a bridge, and then, a few seconds later, I regain conciousness and continued driving. No one around would ever know what had happend to me, I was just driving straight ahead.

The driving memory loss never happend to me again, but I was so scared it would, I stopped driving for a period of time afterwards.
But then, in order to cover my "normality"pretend, I resumed my driving, even though I was scared.

I really suffer from my memory problems. Until those last few days, I didn't know what was the reason for it. I always thought it was the meds fault, even though my Psychiatrist said the meds has nothing to do with it.
Not he, and not my psychologist has never mentioned in all my 5 years of therapy that I could be suffering from Dissasociated amenzia.

I had to discover it all by myself, after years of frustration.


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## jae (Jul 20, 2007)

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you on this matter. tech. prob.

I thank you, more than you can know, for your post. It helped me in a number of ways.

You gave me the feeling that I was not alone in this ordeal. You gave a name to something I have been battleing for years now.

And you are right the health care team says it's not the meds but they don't tell you what it is.

I am very happy that you have given me a name for it. I have looked into it and it is right on the spot. But I am having some trouble in finding MORE information on it. With some self help ideas. Any help or ideas you can give me on how you have learned to deal with this issue would be welcomed.

*I, too, loses big chunks of time. I start a conversation and in the middle of it I completely forgets what the entire conversation was all about... 
I get stuck in the middle, and need time to regain my memory, while most of the time I can't do it 
It is very annoying and difficult to me when I talk about something which is significantly important to me, and to be forced to change the subject with some lame excuse in order for the conversation to not die, or for me to escape from the embarcing situation.

"this happens to me all of the time a number of times a day?sometimes I just want to crawl under a rock"

Also, I have lost memory of alot of incidents of my past. I can't remember birthday parties I had, I can't remember my first kiss, my first sex, my first love. . I can't remember dates, esepcially important dates such as my ex-gf birthday and the date when we firstly met (when we were together). I can't remember telephone numbers, and I keep them all in my cell memory card.

"How this hit home to me. I have so many missing memories form my childhood as well as adulthood."

I really suffer from my memory problems. Until those last few days, I didn't know what was the reason for it. I always thought it was the meds fault, even though my Psychiatrist said the meds has nothing to do with it. 
Not he, and not my psychologist has never mentioned in all my 5 years of therapy that I could be suffering from Dissasociated amenzia.

"It would be great to get to know how you deal with this issue in a more indepth way. I look forward to reading more of your posts on this matter." *

"here are a few things I now do: I now keep a day calender and put down what I have done each day into it as I go. My cell phone has all of my phone #?s and my planner has 2 zippered plastic pockets that I keep ALL of my apt. cards in?just incase I forget to write it down. I look at it every night before bed to update it and to see what I have to do for the next day. I have a hard time thinking in liner time?I keep my watch 7 min. fast so I will not be late (over time I found that 7 takes the most time to do the math for me?so I just don?t do it any more and get where I need to go on time) I make lists of things to do and loose them all the time."

What do you do?

Jae


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## Rain (Aug 7, 2007)

Well, unfortunately, I'm not sure I'll have anything to re-new for you, 
Since I am barely dealing with it.

Up until recently, I thought it because of the meds, or either my brain is dying from all the psychotic episodes I used to have.

But now that I found out it could be Dissasociated Amenzia, to tell you I got a miracle medicine just for knowing would be a big lie.

I'll tell you what I used to do. I used to fill my entire room with notes. Writing everything everywhere. I bought those Yellow sticking notes and stuck them on my pc screen or anywhere I knew I was looking.
I put alot of reminders in my Cell phone, A reminder for every single thing, just so I won't forget.
And, me too, for a long time now, had set my clock 10 mintues ahead, so I would stress myself not to be late, but I guess it's more psychologically then working for real. Beacause after a day or so, you just can't fool yourself any longer, or out-think yourself.

Also, and I am not sure about this, since I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think the meds does have something to do with this Amenzia, atleast for me.
I used to have an okay memory once, before the meds, before my mental illness was in its extreme, but the meds sort of blank my mind. I can't think straight, and I don't know if its a derealization caused by the meds, or because of my psychotic episodes, but something caused it. 
Now I'm trying to take off the meds, to try and get back to myself, although my psychiatrist doesn't approve that - he claims it would only get me worse again. I'm ready to take my chance, just to get back to my old self, to feel something.

Hope any of this helps you in a way.[/b]


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## Rain (Aug 7, 2007)

Well, unfortunately, I'm not sure I'll have anything to re-new for you, 
Since I am barely dealing with it.

Up until recently, I thought it because of the meds, or either my brain is dying from all the psychotic episodes I used to have.

But now that I found out it could be Dissasociated Amenzia, to tell you I got a miracle medicine just for knowing would be a big lie.

I'll tell you what I used to do. I used to fill my entire room with notes. Writing everything everywhere. I bought those Yellow sticking notes and stuck them on my pc screen or anywhere I knew I was looking.
I put alot of reminders in my Cell phone, A reminder for every single thing, just so I won't forget.
And, me too, for a long time now, had set my clock 10 mintues ahead, so I would stress myself not to be late, but I guess it's more psychologically then working for real. Beacause after a day or so, you just can't fool yourself any longer, or out-think yourself.

Also, and I am not sure about this, since I'm not a psychiatrist, but I think the meds does have something to do with this Amenzia, atleast for me.
I used to have an okay memory once, before the meds, before my mental illness was in its extreme, but the meds sort of blank my mind. I can't think straight, and I don't know if its a derealization caused by the meds, or because of my psychotic episodes, but something caused it. 
Now I'm trying to take off the meds, to try and get back to myself, although my psychiatrist doesn't approve that - he claims it would only get me worse again. I'm ready to take my chance, just to get back to my old self, to feel something.

Hope any of this helps you in a way.


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

I've only had a small amount of experience with the memory loss or time loss you describe. I used to be a singer and when I was singing I would lose time. I'd come out of it in the middle of a song and have to figure out where in the music I was. My listeners could never tell I was doing this.
I have bad memory too. I'm the sort who finds their keys in the fridge.
and I get jamais vu, that feeling that everything is unfamiliar, momentary lack of memory.

I don't know what to do about it other than to write things down and work harder than other people to memorize things.
Like most things it's easier if you don't freak out.

You're still you even if you can't recall those memories. They're somewhere in your brain even if you can't connect to them.

You can't be anyone but yourself. 
Even if you were to totally lose all of your memories you would still be you, just a different you.



jae said:


> I do not know just how much of my life I loose to this illness and that is a big issue for me...We are who we are because of our life experiences...but what if you don't know about them...who are you?
> 
> I ask that anyone who has this issue or something similar will resopond to this post...


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## Rain (Aug 7, 2007)

> You can't be anyone but yourself.
> Even if you were to totally lose all of your memories you would still be you, just a different you.


I'll have to disagree on that one.
I think memories makes you who you are, basically.
Doesn't our subconcious remembers trauma that affected us and caused our problems? Doesn't we re-act to things we see just because somewhere inside we remember them in a traumatic way and therfore we re-re-act in a destructive way toward it?
Without our memories we would be dull robots.
We live our past memories, reconstruct them in order to go on.
We reconstruct them in an extent that our new ones looks similiar.

Have you seen the movie 'Blade Runner'? (my favourite) - there is a big debate there, whether memories makes an android more human, and whether it is the thing that gives him emotions and the ability to care.


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## Oriel (Aug 18, 2007)

i have been fairly severely affected by depersonalization for just over 3 years and i lose big chunks of memory too =) i classify my memory loss in to 3 categories: long term, mid term and immediate. i don't believe these are congruent with medical classifications.

long term
i can't remember much of my childhood, though i get sporadic memories evoked by certain experiences. i.e. i have a conversation with someone who i've known for a while and i remember someone/something or i'll visit a place which will remind me of something i have done in the past that i'd forgotten.
i also forget what i did yesterday/over the past week/ over the past year. this is really a feeling that my mind is cloudy and i find it hard to retain anything in my memory besides one or two things. i've termed it a 'blanket foggyness'

mid term
i forget close friends. why i like them, what time we've spent together etc. this can be compared to an extended feeling of jamais vu (i just learnt this word today, if its new to you too, here's the wiki site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamais_vu)

immediate
apart from that general memory loss, i am also affected by the 'conversational' memory loss that you described, where i can be having a conversation with someone or attempt to complete a task when i have to stop half way through because what was going through my brain has just disappeared (as has happened 3 times so far while typing this post =) )

i feel this has affected:
my articulation, my ability to reference articles or quote things (for the purpose of discussion or something i have to write), my ability to hold an uninterrupted conversation, my ability to concentrate, often my ability to complete tasks as well as my ability to find my car keys

ways of dealing with it:
order. its something i haven't managed consistently at all except occasional, short-lived attempts. during these attempts though, i regain a lot of clarity of mind.
then there's the other method that i use. i call it 'book marking' and it is the process of taking a mental image of something you know you'll need to remember later. as i said before, memories (for me) can be evoked by experiences. often when i come home i can put keys (or anything really) somewhere and when i go to leave again i won't remember where they are. the idea behind bookmarking is that when you place something down you stare at it for a few seconds and think about it hard so that when you come to ask yourself "where are my damn keys?" you remember the mental picture you've taken.
this can then be applied to other facets of life. my fear of conversations faltering (like you described) has led to me often 'memorising' topics of conversation before i go to a party or interact with people. i concentrate hard on things i'd like to say which allows me to keep the conversation going on a topic i'm interested in even when i have 'immediate' memory loss.
i've done a bit of research on the science of it all but i won't go in to detail about that...
give it a go and give me some feedback, i'd love to hear if it works for you though i presume it'll only work for people with 'photographic' memories

please feel free to PM or email me if you're interested in hearing more about anything or if you just want to talk, i understand how lonely it can be when you can't remember much =)

my apologies for the length of this, i get a bit carried away when i have the opportunity to talk about myself!


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

We weren't 'dull robots' when we were babies before we'd formed any memories. 
Memory affects who we are that's why I said we'd be different without our memories but it's not all we are. And you just can't be someone else. You may change so far that you would be unrecognizeable but you'd still be you. 
It's a subject I could really get into and go on forever but I don't have the time right now. maybe later 

I Have seen Blade Runner and I've read the novel by Phillip K. Dick that it's based on and if I recall correctly the robots were a bit like psychopaths because they couldn't feel empathy or proper emotions they aren't human because they can't care.
The book and movie are both really good though. 
I should re-read and re-watch them.



Rain said:


> > You can't be anyone but yourself.
> > Even if you were to totally lose all of your memories you would still be you, just a different you.
> 
> 
> ...


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## Rain (Aug 7, 2007)

> long term
> i can't remember much of my childhood, though i get sporadic memories evoked by certain experiences. i.e. i have a conversation with someone who i've known for a while and i remember someone/something or i'll visit a place which will remind me of something i have done in the past that i'd forgotten.
> i also forget what i did yesterday/over the past week/ over the past year. this is really a feeling that my mind is cloudy and i find it hard to retain anything in my memory besides one or two things. i've termed it a 'blanket foggyness'


It's so amazing that people's condition complete one another.
I, too, get my memories evoked by certain experiences.
I know there were few times when a person came up to me and started a conversation, and he seemed to know me, but I couldn't remember who he was. So I acted as though I know him for years, and while we were talking, his foggy image became more clear to me. Either by stating a sentence about a location where we met or his facial expression seemed familiarer. Although, there are some times when I can't remember, and I end a conversation puzzled as to who the hell was I talking to.



> mid term
> i forget close friends. why i like them, what time we've spent together etc. this can be compared to an extended feeling of jamais vu (i just learnt this word today, if its new to you too, here's the wiki site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamais_vu)


What do you mean by forgeting close friends?
I also forget why I like them, and what is the last thing we talked about,
but I do remember who they are. And I am well aware of the term - Jamais Vu, I experience it alot, so it seems.
Another thing I noticed about my memory, is that I am lacking the ability to recall faces.
Like, if I try to remember the face of my mother or father, or even a girlfriend, I'll only hold a very foggy image of them, even if I saw them 10 minutes ago. Even if I had spent the entire of my lifetime along with them.
Also, yesterday I've been to a birthday party of my aunt daughter, and I seemed to forget the names of a few family relatives of mine. I even forgot that one couple of my close family got married recently, and that my aunt is pregnant with twins.



> i feel this has affected:
> my articulation, my ability to reference articles or quote things (for the purpose of discussion or something i have to write), my ability to hold an uninterrupted conversation, my ability to concentrate, often my ability to complete tasks as well as my ability to find my car keys


I, too, have problem referencing articles or quote things, unless they are infornt of my eyes. Also, my memory seem to have its personal choices; there are things I remember and things I don't. Such as the movie "Blade Runner", I have seen it so many times I just remember most of it. But still, even though I saw it like 50 times, I still seem to forget some scenes and it seems Jamais Vu has done it again.



> ways of dealing with it:
> order. its something i haven't managed consistently at all except occasional, short-lived attempts. during these attempts though, i regain a lot of clarity of mind.
> then there's the other method that i use. i call it 'book marking' and it is the process of taking a mental image of something you know you'll need to remember later. as i said before, memories (for me) can be evoked by experiences. often when i come home i can put keys (or anything really) somewhere and when i go to leave again i won't remember where they are. the idea behind bookmarking is that when you place something down you stare at it for a few seconds and think about it hard so that when you come to ask yourself "where are my damn keys?" you remember the mental picture you've taken.
> this can then be applied to other facets of life. my fear of conversations faltering (like you described) has led to me often 'memorising' topics of conversation before i go to a party or interact with people. i concentrate hard on things i'd like to say which allows me to keep the conversation going on a topic i'm interested in even when i have 'immediate' memory loss.
> ...


The problem for me with order, is that I don't have it.
I am the most unorganized person you'll ever come across.
My mind is in chaos, and so is my room.
But I mostly know my chaos, and able to recall where I put things, as long as people don't move stuff in my room from one place to the next.
I hate it when people touch my room, it makes me so vulnerable and I suddenly feel as though my familiarity has been breached, and nothing is familiar to me.
But even though I know my chaos well, I still keep losing things, forgetting. I deal with it by putting my car keys always at a certain place. Or taking my cellphone along with me everywhere I goes, so it would be right infront of me. 
And so, my piece of advice is to have certain places for certain objects, so you'll know for sure that the car keys are on the right shelf, and the wallet is always in the black bag at the second pocket.

The idea you described has been applied by myself without giving it a name. I think the movie 'The Secret' had also mentioned this technic.
To think about things you want to happed so that they will happen.
To memorize them beforehand.
I must say that I barely do this and its a shame. I should try it again, daily.



> please feel free to PM or email me if you're interested in hearing more about anything or if you just want to talk, i understand how lonely it can be when you can't remember much =)


It does get pretty lonely, when everyone around you think you are just being lazy or faking it. I mean, I am lazy, but I am not faking it 
I am new to this forum, how does the PM thingy work?

----



> We weren't 'dull robots' when we were babies before we'd formed any memories.


Jung says we are all born with collective memory, universal ideas. 
As if, our parents and grandparents and the whole generation before has had given us something that passed in the genes.
Therefore, we are not forming just _any_ memories, we are forming _new_ ones. 
I think, those universal ideas we already have could explain why we don't have hard time comprehending new ideas as infants and as children. Just like for the same reason we can obtain a new language, because we have the tools to deal with such as this inside us since birth.
I do aware that it seems babies learn everything from scratch, but I think they would be traumitized coming into this world if it weren't for any basis knowledge built within them.



> I Have seen Blade Runner and I've read the novel by Phillip K. Dick that it's based on and if I recall correctly the robots were a bit like psychopaths because they couldn't feel empathy or proper emotions they aren't human because they can't care.
> The book and movie are both really good though.
> I should re-read and re-watch them.


There is a big difference between the movie and the novel.
In the movie, those are replicants, made from human genes, "more human then human", And I am not sure they state there that they are built of metal. In the movie the scientists gave them false memories as a cushion to hold back their so-called emotions.
While in the book, it stated that those are androids built of metal and flesh, while each model, more advanced is it were, was more human and more clever then the other. I don't think it stated there that they have emotions, only fake them.
While in the movie it is very much proven how emotional they could be when Rachel (Sean Young) cries as she realize all her memories are fake and the memory of her childhood and her mother's is false.
While, in the book, the androids don't deal with their emotions so well. They are cold, and cruel (hench the brutal torture of the spider by Pris), and just trying to survive.
While in the movie, the replicants are hunted down and are simply wish to have a rightful opportunity to live like humans (The constant trying and seeking for new ways to length their vitality).
Maybe in the book, it is quite noticed that the anrdoids have gone postal and could be considered as dangerous and psychopath, but in the movie they are just trying to survive.

I love both the movie and the book, each with its own quality. I think they both improve and complete one another.

---

sorry for the length, both from Oriel and Layla,
Me too, get carried away too often


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## Oriel (Aug 18, 2007)

Rain said:


> It's so amazing that people's condition complete one another.


agreed.



> What do you mean by forgeting close friends?


i forget why i like them, what experiences i have had with them. i have a girl who i would consider a close friend however i often forget that she exists. because i don't see her often anymore (i used to go to school with her before we graduated) unless i run in to her in the street or she calls me, i won't think of her.



> Another thing I noticed about my memory, is that I am lacking the ability to recall faces.


oh yeah, big time. although it sounds like you have it more severely than i do. 
when away from them, i can only visualise a few of my closest friend's faces. instead, i attach an emotion or colour to them which is evoked when i think of them. similarly, i also can rarely remember what has changed about a person physically since i saw them last, which is really embarrassing when someone's got a new haircut.
there is another disorder (naturally, i cannot remember the name) of which the sufferer cannot recognise faces. i.e. every time they see someone's face, they do not remember if they know them or not. 
i don't think thats what you're describing but if thats the way you feel it might be a good idea to look it up =)



> I even forgot that one couple of my close family got married recently, and that my aunt is pregnant with twins.


haha, i've been in similar situations but nothing that embarrassing!



> The problem for me with order, is that I don't have it.
> I am the most unorganized person you'll ever come across.
> My mind is in chaos, and so is my room.
> But I mostly know my chaos, and able to recall where I put things, as long as people don't move stuff in my room from one place to the next.
> ...


like you said, It's so amazing that people's condition complete one another 
i'll add: its amazing that they've found near identical solutions.

i'd challenge you for the title of most disorganized person. My room has about a foot of clothes on the floor, the wardrobe has clothing scattered all over it and its doors are always left open, there are three desks that aren't visible due to the crap that has piled up on and around it. amidst all of this there is a chair on which i put things i might need and a bedside table with 2 boxes of tissues and a large pile of books that i've been meaning to read for the last few years. my bed is messy and never made. the sheets are rarely on properly. Two of my walls have writing covering them because i can never find a paper to write on, though i know i have a few notepads in my room.
i also have a mouse cage with 2 or 3 mice in it. i say 2 or 3 because i'm honestly not sure if one of them has died. i take good care of them and show them a lot of love but the third one is shy and stays inside quite a bit and i haven't seen her for a few days. she'll probably turn up. maybe in the cat's belly.

i never get where i'm going on time. i've altered my watch so that it runs 5 mins fast but it wasn't enough. i changed it to 15 minutes but then i would second guess it and get everywhere 15 mins late. i finally had it running 40 minutes fast but this great buffer caused me to be lazier and i usually didn't bother getting out of bed.
i've thrown my watch out.
i know what you mean by your chaos though. i know where the things in my room that i need are. when people touch or move them (even if they put them in logical places), i get distressed.
if you don't mind, i might steal the word vulnerable as its perfect for that sensation.

that said, the moments of order that i've been able to bring in to my life have afforded me a lot more clarity.



> I think the movie 'The Secret' had also mentioned this technic.
> To think about things you want to happed so that they will happen.
> To memorize them beforehand.


i'm fairly cynical and pessimistic when it comes to the secret. i feel there is some truth in it but i'd be wary about it.



> It does get pretty lonely, when everyone around you think you are just being lazy or faking it. I mean, I am lazy, but I am not faking it


i'm so sick of being called lazy! it makes me question personality and how it forms. am i truly lazy or is it because of my disorder? is it a combination of both?
should i use my disorder as an excuse, consider it part of my identity or consider it a fault?



> I am new to this forum, how does the PM thingy work?


under my post where it says reply, there is a PM button. PM stands for personal message and its pretty standard to internet forums.

all the best,
~Oriel


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