# If you feel like reading... help :(



## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

I don't really know why I ask for help when I have no help to give. I not only have no help to give people on here (unless the offering of back and forth complaints is considered helpful/desirable) I also have nothing to offer my actual friends. I say whatever's on my mind and it's usually nasty. I only have one friend I've considered telling about my problem and I've pretty much decided against it because I feel like she will think I'm using it as an excuse for being a bad friend and the truth is, I would be... and since I would find no comfort in telling her and she would receive little comfort in knowing, I'd rather just.. not.

And then there's my family. My sister's on a lot of anti-psychotics and sleeps at my parents house all day; she wants to leave. Everytime I see her, she just looks at me and doesn't respond to my greeting. Her eyes are sort of questioning, but mostly hurt. I start feeling guilty for leaving her at my parents house to basically just rot in the basement. The way she looks at me scares the shit out of me, it's a look I've seen in my own eyes. Still I'm the only person who could relate to her and maybe it would help her to know. I try to read about her disease to help her but then I just end up getting really freaked out thinking I'm turning schizophrenic and i start obsessing over it and getting depressed and crashing. I wish I could tell her I understand but
*I CAN'T.*:

Yesterday my mom and I had a darkly humorous conversation wherein my mom suggested I buy my sister this book tape of "A Million Pieces of Me" or some similar title -- Oprah book club type shit, about some mental illness or another. It's a book she's been trying to get my sister to read and she went on to explain that my sister can't read or think anymore and can't concentrate on anything (sound familiar?) so maybe she could listen to a book tape instead. She told me that I should take the book and read it so I can understand a little of what's going on in her head.. what's its like to feel disconnected and depressed ............. It's hard to imagine... :lol: I can't let them know I'm like that too. My parents and my friends are the people I live for. I'm strongly against suicide because I think it's the worst thing someone could put their loved ones through and in most cases, life will get better... but it feels like it NEVER will. Yesterdat I remembered I had a specific incident of dr in the 7th grade, before any major trauma... before any drug use.. and so I think it's just part of me that's always going to be here. I could live my whole life like this. I wish I could just cut off contact with everyone, casually and go somewhere to die in peace. I know this makes people uncomfortable on a message board, but I would never go through with anything. I imagine myself growing very old... albeit miserably. I love my parents more than they will ever know and i can't believe they might have a second schizophrenic child one day. I think my sister is amazing, but she's in pain and so they are too. I'm afraid one day my problems won't be as easy to hide as this one. What will I do then?

I'm so scared of turning schizophrenic that it consumes everything. If i think about it, the fear helps me regain a pinch of reality... then I just push it away into its corner and I turn into a zombie.

I've been trying to be normal. I was hanging out with my friend and her boyfriend and I suggested we go to the drive in movie theatre because we were bored. Her boyfriend remarked on how I was being "outgoing," by even suggesting it... ha... this boyfriend also bought me chocolates on Sweetest Day because they feel sorry for me. But anyway - we got there and I just felt so detached.. The world was dark and closing in on me.. I couldn't pay attention to the movie ... Harry Potter... a KIDS movie... I just zoned out while they cuddled and felt like immense shit that I can't have that with anyone.. maybe ever 

And whoever said Nausea by Sarte was like a direct account of dp/dr... Right on, holy shit. I'm on page 30 and I've already highlighted like 10 sentences which blew my mind.

[/b]


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Fingertingle, 
By the way, is that name because you have diabetes? I'm just wondering, becuase if it is, its both a very descriptive and very creative name. Unless one was a doctor or a sufferer of diabetes, though, you wouldnt really pick up on it.

That was a great post....I read all the way through it. First of all, use the forum to vent. We dont care. It was a great vent, that post. Second of all, I dont know that it helps to tell parents, as mine disowned me after I told them. It was a little more complicated than that, but they lost patience with the fact that it didnt go away immediately after I went to see a psychiatrist. But I _do_ feel that you should tell your sister, as it will help her _and_ you. I'm sure she's feeling really lonely right now, with your parents being how they are, and her having a disorder as tough to treat and live through as that. It might save both of your lives and create a stronger bond by talking about it. Dont tell friends unless you feel in your gut that they would understand - trust your gut in these matters. It tells you things you arent willing to admit yet. And dont feel bad about missing out on the whole dating scene. You sound like a very sweet girl, with good hopes for your future, just like I felt when I was 18 (I'm 24 now). I've dated since then, but havent really gotten the hang of it yet. I mean, I was battling DP with all my might from 15-22 and then it went away, only to get replaced by a physically life-threatening disorder that I more than likely inherited from my mother! But we're both young, and when I'm lonely, which is quite often lately, I console myself with that fact. I know that you have to put "all your ducks in a row" before you can really get what you're supposed to from a relationship. I mean, my current disease manifests itself with the fact that I cant take a whiff of perfume, diesel fuel, or even sometimes fabric softener, without getting lightheaded with crippling stomach pains. What girl wants to put up with that, no matter what my good points, whenever she puts on makeup and the latest scent by Jennifer Lopez? I know that myself and my health come first , and after that, hopefully, things will just line up. I know how you feel with the jealousy of seeing other close couples, though. I'm a very sentimental guy, and it hurts, but be strong. There are more things to being a mature adult than having that guy or girl you like. At least I'm telling myself that while I struggle on. PM me some time.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## peacedove (Aug 15, 2004)

fingertingle said:


> Yesterdat I remembered I had a specific incident of dr in the 7th grade, before any major trauma... before any drug use.. and so I think it's just part of me that's always going to be here. I could live my whole life like this.


I was feeling pretty hopeless the other day. I was thinking that since my DP first came about when I was thinking about God... that there wasn't really a cause to it that I could deal with. Then someone sent me some links that helped me out a little.

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/andy/forums/o ... s/2941.htm

I'm gonna post some of my reply to the pm.
"Thank you so much for sending me those links. I was getting to the end of my rope again. I was starting to think I didn't even have DP... that it was something else and it could never be cured cuz... it's like I know too much... and how do you cure that? Like what Jeff said on the old board link you sent me, 'Or in the case of DP it might be more appropriate to say that once I saw too much, and now I see as I should.'

So I feel that since he's been helped from this 'seeing too much' than I could be too."

The other link explained my DP pretty well so that was sort of comforting to me, so I don't know maybe you could relate to it and feel a little better too. It mentions that book you were talking about, "Nausea".

http://www.depersonalization.info/overview.html

Some descriptions I could relate to from there if you don't feel like reading that whole big thing.

"Their poignant observations run deeper than simply thinking in circles about the nature of existence they feel the black emptiness of existence that post World War II philosophers struggled to portray. It's what the French have come to call Le Coup de Vide the blow of the void."

"Philosophers wrote about it and theorized about it. But D-people feel it, and the feeling can be too much to bear."

Ok... sorry if that wasn't helpful in any way, my brain is pretty fried today.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Homeskooled said:


> Dear Fingertingle,
> By the way, is that name because you have diabetes? I'm just wondering, becuase if it is, its both a very descriptive and very creative name. Unless one was a doctor or a sufferer of diabetes, though, you wouldnt really pick up on it.
> 
> That was a great post....I read all the way through it. First of all, use the forum to vent. We dont care. It was a great vent, that post. Second of all, I dont know that it helps to tell parents, as mine disowned me after I told them. It was a little more complicated than that, but they lost patience with the fact that it didnt go away immediately after I went to see a psychiatrist. But I _do_ feel that you should tell your sister, as it will help her _and_ you. I'm sure she's feeling really lonely right now, with your parents being how they are, and her having a disorder as tough to treat and live through as that. It might save both of your lives and create a stronger bond by talking about it. Dont tell friends unless you feel in your gut that they would understand - trust your gut in these matters. It tells you things you arent willing to admit yet. And dont feel bad about missing out on the whole dating scene. You sound like a very sweet girl, with good hopes for your future, just like I felt when I was 18 (I'm 24 now). I've dated since then, but havent really gotten the hang of it yet. I mean, I was battling DP with all my might from 15-22 and then it went away, only to get replaced by a physically life-threatening disorder that I more than likely inherited from my mother! But we're both young, and when I'm lonely, which is quite often lately, I console myself with that fact. I know that you have to put "all your ducks in a row" before you can really get what you're supposed to from a relationship. I mean, my current disease manifests itself with the fact that I cant take a whiff of perfume, diesel fuel, or even sometimes fabric softener, without getting lightheaded with crippling stomach pains. What girl wants to put up with that, no matter what my good points, whenever she puts on makeup and the latest scent by Jennifer Lopez? I know that myself and my health come first , and after that, hopefully, things will just line up. I know how you feel with the jealousy of seeing other close couples, though. I'm a very sentimental guy, and it hurts, but be strong. There are more things to being a mature adult than having that guy or girl you like. At least I'm telling myself that while I struggle on. PM me some time.
> ...


Ha yeah, my hand was asleep actually and I didn't feel like being creative.

The real problem with telling my sister anything is that she goes through episodes where she will just say whatever she's feeling and I'm afraid she will tell my parents... She's gone through these delusional periods where she thinks my dad raised us as science experiments and screwed us up for eternity and during one of these episodes I'm convinced she would use any evidence available to prove her point. At the same time, I wish I could help her in some way.

Whoever is with you is lucky to be able to skip the extra steps in maintenance.


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## fingertingle (Sep 29, 2005)

Peacedove
_One key phrase in the disorder's DSM-IV definition is: reality testing remains intact, Janiger adds. While a degree of depersonalization may be present in other illnesses, like schizophrenia, this is not a psychotic condition. The person knows that something is terribly wrong, and grapples with trying to figure out what it is. If anything, it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You become hypervigilant of your existence and things around you._

I found that VERY comforting.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Dear Fingertingle, 


> Whoever is with you is lucky to be able to skip the extra steps in maintenance


Yeah, you know what, I hope so. Except that some girls I know just really like makeup for makeup's sake, and if she wears lipstick, I'll get nauseous just kissing her! Alas...... 



> The real problem with telling my sister anything is that she goes through episodes where she will just say whatever she's feeling and I'm afraid she will tell my parents... She's gone through these delusional periods where she thinks my dad raised us as science experiments and screwed us up for eternity and during one of these episodes I'm convinced she would use any evidence available to prove her point.


She sounds like a classic case. Well, honestly, if you told her that you had this, and she told your parents while she was delusional, they wouldnt necessarily beleive her now, would they? I'd be more open to your family, Ms My-hands-asleep-and-I'm-too-lazy-to-be-creative. :wink: You'll be carrying too much of a burden around if you dont. Are you in college yet?

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Guest (Dec 3, 2005)

I don't think families can fulfill our every need.

FINGERTINGLE - only tell people if you really feel it's okay and that you won't lose anything by it. It's hard enough to have this illness, but we can lose people over it when we already feel that we have so little we can count on, things that other people take for granted.

How could your sister benefit from knowing you have dp? It would be small consolation to her and she might not even understand what you meant, from what you've said about her.

HOMESKOOLED - Did your parents actually disown you? What did they say and do you see them now, etc?


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

Yes, they sort of disowned me. They transported me to a group home for schizophrenics, alcoholics, heroine addicts, etc....My 18th summer. I was really, really, really, DPed. The kind where if I was hurt, it didnt register, thats how far away from my body I was. Of course, i still held down a job, had a scholarship to college, took care of my baby brother and sister, etc....But when I broke down, I couldnt get up off of the couch, and my dad couldnt understand why the psychiatrist hadnt "cured" me by month 3! Truly inept and selfish parents. I went into the hospital ER, demanded that they figure this DP out, they put me in the psych ward, and when I returned home, my Mom had my suitcase ready for me. What morons. They never quite got me. Always thought they knew better than me, never understood how mature or intelligent I was. Just didnt accept what I told them about DP, its limitations on me, etc....Concerned parents, but in the end, most concerned about themselves.

Well, I seem to have inherited a blood disorder from my mom called porphyria, and they didnt beleive me about that either. I moved back to my hometown as the next step in my life, started working in politics, looking into college again, rekindling highschool friendships, etc....(I'm 24), and I stop over my parents house every couple days if I need something. I've refused to give them my address or telephone number- I told them it will depend on how they "behave". If I need advice about something or an old belonging of mine, or a place to put something, I'll head over to their house. But I'm very clear with them that my stance on their behaviour isnt negotiable, or my stance on my own illnesses. They can accept me as I am, with my criticisms of them and my rare disorders, or they can reject the whole package. There is no in-between. I dont make any secrets of how I feel. If I do something I think is inappropriate, I apologize, and I expect them to do the same. Currently I dont have DP, just porphyria, but I find this to be one of the most interesting forums on the web, and since I was premed, I find that I can actually offer people on here some help from a medical standpoint.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## Guest (Dec 4, 2005)

It sounds like your parents like you when you're functional and don't like you when you're not. They want a relationship with you now, but you have defined some boundaries?

I really admire you for calling them on their bad parenting.

If we don't take a stand against what is toxic to humans, we will never be able to create a better society, we won't even be able to recognize good relationships.


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