# My thoughts on DP after full recovery and relapse



## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi all, I thought I'd share a bit of insight I've gained into DP/DR over a ten year period, the good and the bad and everything in between.

My first bout occurred when I was around 17/18 after smoking marijuana, up until that point I had a relatively stress free life and definitely nothing in my life traumatic enough to trigger depersonalization on it's own. I was sitting up by myself smoking and all of a sudden I felt like I'd been pulled back from my body and I was observing my own awareness, this gave me huge panic attacks and anxiety and I ended up crying myself to sleep on the foot of my dads bed.

I'd had panic attacks after smoking weed before but nothing out of the usual (e.g. scared you've smoked too much), I expected to be better the next day but surely enough I was still stuck in a world of hurt. I drove 100km's to my mothers house, my vision was different and I kept having panic attacks - she wasn't sure what to do and put me to sleep with some herbal medicine.

This continued intensely for about 6 months, and this was around 10 years ago so there were no resources, no websites and no doctors to explain to me what was going on. I was afraid of people thinking I was crazy so I didn't tell my girlfriend or my friends which made things much worse. I was prescribed anti-psychotics, anti-depressants all of which I didn't take - I figured if drugs got me into it I would have to get myself out of it or I'd be relying on drugs for the rest of my life.

What happened next was a slow recovery, it lasted about a year and a half to the point where I thought I was going to die every night (thought my heart would stop or I'd just stop breathing) but it was the wrong way to recover as I later found out. I chose to force myself to deny that I was sick or that there was anything wrong, I was constantly in a state of hypochondria and thought I had no choice but to repress it through alcohol and stronger drugs like speed and ecstasy. This did achieve one thing, eventually I distracted myself to the point where depersonalization become a distant memory however anxiety and hypochondria were still very evident in my life.

Around five years passed, yes that's five solid years of full recovery, however my anxiety and hypochondria got progressively worse until they were as much a part of me as fear, happiness and sadness. Things got to a point where I just didn't worry about being ill or dying, I was CONVINCED I was and actually started buying life insurance etc. which is ridiculous. What happened next I was not expecting, about six weeks ago (it may be less, time goes very slow with DP) I found myself completely depersonalized again, worse so than the first time.

It happened right as I hit rock bottom with my hypochondria, keeping in mind that I only got hypochondria as a result of my first bout of DP - because doctors couldn't tell me what was wrong with me it was basically my best guess as to what random diseases were causing it. Every time I scratched my head and hair came out, every time my heart skipped a beat, every time I saw a bruise I thought I had some weird disease. Right at the point where I was about to give up mentally my depersonalization came back as if to save what was left of my sanity.

This experience has led me to believe (as many others do) that depersonalization is simply a complex defense mechanism that your brain deploys to prevent what it sees as outside threats. Some people are so consumed by the symptoms of depersonalization itself that they forget to look at the root causes, as what originally triggered it may seem pale in comparison to this new world of what I can only describe as a personal horror show.

This also explains why so many people end up with the same symptoms through completely different sequences of events, some from drugs, some from abuse, some from anxiety. I now see that the most important part of our individual journeys through depersonalization are to not get so totally consumed by the symptoms of it that we become unable to fix the things that put us here in the first place. We need to take baby steps towards recovery, once DP is triggered you basically have a brain that is hyper sensitive to any external input - think of it as an over protective friend who once seeing you in trouble for the first time refuses to let anything happen to you again and jumps at everything that moves.

The following are things to keep in mind on your way to recovery, some are really obvious others are not:


If you have drug induced depersonalization, for the love of god don't even bother asking whether it will ever be safe to take drugs again. DO NOT TOUCH DRUGS under ANY circumstances, the same goes for alcohol or any mind altering substance, you are trying to get back to reality not escape from it.
If you got depersonalization from prolonged anxiety or stress, do you your best to remove those things from your life before even attempting to attack your other symptoms, these are the root causes of your disorder and without removing them you will be fighting a never ending battle with the wrong enemy.
Clear yourself of all possible physical/neurological issues first, the last thing you need is to be worrying that there is something causing your disorder when there is actually nothing wrong with you at all, and if there is something wrong you will at least know what's causing it and how to fix it. For some people it's as simple as a hormonal imbalance or glandular problem.
Use this opportunity to work on your health, it's important to maintain normal levels of vitamins and minerals within your system and exercise not only distracts you from the symptoms of depersonalization but improves your mental and physical well being.
When you suffer extreme bouts of hyperawareness remember to focus on past experiences, you have been through this before - often coming extremely close to the end of what feels like madness, and have always returned. Try watching television or YouTube, anything to distract you for just a few seconds at the very least.
Don't let your changed emotional state trick you into thinking you don't care about people anymore or don't love people anymore, those of us that have been in love or long relationships know that our reactions and feelings change over time anyway. If you're looking for feelings of joy like when you first meet a partner your setting yourself up for a fall, DP numbs you as you become more introverted - it doesn't mean you don't care it just means your in a different place emotionally, which is temporary.
Stop over analyzing your symptoms, once you have dealt with your root problems the symptoms of depersonalization are enough to trigger themselves over and over again without there being anything wrong with you emotionally.
Plan for a slow and steady recovery, don't hope to all of a sudden snap out of it, 99% of the time this results in an almost instant relapse. Your mind has become used to being depersonalized, it clutches to anything that it can see as being normal by any standard and will flag any change or stress to the system as being a threat. If you were to suddenly snap back to reality it would be that much of a shock to your system that your brain would once again trigger the defense mechanism, plunging you back. Try and focus on small stages of recovery, distract yourself to the point where you go a few extra minutes, then hours a day without thinking about it, you will then find these periods become longer and longer until you go a day or two without any symptoms.
Finally once you are newly rid of your symptoms, and it WILL happen, don't try and block the experience out of your mind. It may occur to you that this experience is just too traumatic to even accept without it driving you crazy, but I can personally say that I was able to look back on my experience and joke about it once it was long gone.

I will leave you all by saying I'm currently battling my way out of my second bout of DP as I've mentioned, however this time I have my anxiety and panic completely in check. I know now that anxiety and hypochondria led to my relapse so I plan to completely cure myself of these conditions (anxiety is a byproduct of hypochondria so that shouldn't be an issue). I want you all to know that you can be cured, I've been there and so have many others, but it's important to use this period of your life to assess your past issues and make a positive change for the future.

PS: Ironically enough I'm a very healthy person in general, I never bruise, I never got the flu or colds, my skin and eyes are very clear. I never get swore throats, I drink fresh fruit and vegetable juice daily (6 vegetables, 2 fruits), eat healthy foods and take vitamin suppliments. I haven't been physically ill in almost 3 years, I caught the swine flu when it was going around and beat it in 3-4 days with no vaccination and just over the counter pain killers.

Best wishes to all, good luck on your journey.


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## dhughes373 (Jun 12, 2012)

Wow, great post. I can identify with a lot of what you said, and you've really got the essence of this condition down. Great advice man.


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## actor_bs (May 26, 2012)

great story!!


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## Guest (Jun 24, 2012)

Thanks for the effort you put into this post, I really appreciate it. Such sound advice, I will definitely be taking it all on board.







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## Thidwick (May 30, 2012)

It's definitely a defense mechanism. For those of us with stress/anxiety-induced DP/DR, it's how our minds cope with what's going on in the external world. DP/DR is fed entirely through fear, and the fear of it along with the fear of other things (things you may have been anxious about before, but those feelings are amplified after getting DP) compounds your situation and makes it worse.

Essentially what happens is this:

- Your stress/anxiety levels build up to a point where you can't emotionally handle it anymore
- Your mind senses that something is wrong, and puts you in a dissociative state to help you cope
- You freak out about being detached from reality, but these feelings are real, and thus your mind must further dissociate you
- The fear creates an endless loop that is difficult to escape

One of the main problems I've seen from those with DP/DR is that they expect instant results. I'm more than guilty of this myself -- I start to feel better for an hour or two, but when the DP/DR doesn't immediately subside I freak out and become afraid that it won't ever go away, thus fueling the loop. And DP/DR is infectious -- it infects your memories to the point where you'll question reality and question if you've always had this, no matter if you're like me and recovered before. This is simply because your brain doesn't want you to reconnect to reality. I know these things intellectually, but it's still incredibly hard to fight my way out of it.

But don't lose hope, guys. If you're constantly fearful that you'll always have DP/DR, you will. Fear alone is what keeps DP/DR alive. Recognize that it is only temporary and that a full recovery is possible if you learn to control that fear. It's hard. It's incredibly hard. It's hands-down the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's possible.


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