# It's been 2 years since I've recovered.



## oyster (Aug 8, 2015)

I've recovered. Looking around the room right now, I'm at 100% clarity. This is my first post since I've recovered (fully recovered about 2 years ago) and I owe it to you guys because I remember what it felt like to be stuck in the DP/DR world, though it feels so long ago.

My story:

I acquired full-blown DP/DR after a horrendous mushroom trip when I was 17, just before I was about to start college. I struggled with the disorder for 5 years until I sought out a therapist who specializes in dissociation. I found her on the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. I still remember what I wrote to her, on my 22nd birthday, something along the lines of: "I remember being a child, laying out on the grass and looking up at the sky above me and actually feeling HERE, like in the earth, present. It's been five years that I feel like I've been seeing the world from behind a glass. Buildings look like props, my whole visual field is distorted, and I'm desperately seeking help because I fear that if I don't soon, I will eventually forget what that present feeling felt like at all. I am giving myself one year, to make it to age 23. If I don't see progress with this condition by age 23 I don't know if I'll make it to another birthday. This is my gift to myself."

I met with this psychologist, and told her all about the mushroom trip. "It was horrific- I just felt like life was on repeat over and over, on this continuum. I just started panicking, more than I ever have. I started crying for my dad. As the drugs wore off and I began to come back to normal sensation, I noticed that something was off. I began to really freak out about two weeks later when it still hadn't lifted. My life turned into this fog that I can hardly explain, but which the website to which you belong seems to articulate precisely."

She asked me about my abuse history. At that point in my life, I knew I was hit with a belt *and stuff*, but I really thought that the mushrooms were fully responsible for the DP/DR. After all, the condition came on floridly right after that point. I began working with this woman because I really liked her energy and her optimism that it would get better. She didn't let me know then, but her approach would be to reveal to me how my experience of being abused as a child is what likely brought this on. One caveat, however- when I asked her (over and over again) if the hallucinogen may have caused this to be "stuck", making it a neurobiological issue rather than an issue of nature, she said it's a possibility but not likely. We were going to find out. (She said "possibility" only because she didn't want to say with certainty that the DP/DR would go away, because there's a small chance it wouldn't! There's a lot we don't know about the brain yet, and although the psychology literature has found time and time again that the origins of this condition are trauma, nothing can ever be said with certainty!)

I've been working with her for 4 years now. The first year was absolute hell- peeling back the layers of abuse, reawakening the memories. I had been so successfully living in my state of emotional denial that I could not believe how much grief I actually had in me. There were panic attacks, sleepless nights, binge eating, suicidal thinking, etc., but something about this therapy kept me going. I knew that there was a light at the end not because I could see it, but only because she kept gently reassuring me. I needed to ask her time and time again if she had suffered from DP/DR too. She assured me that she had. I needed to know that she personally knew exactly what I was going through. She did.

The way dissociation works for me now- and I don't know if this can be applied to the rest of the PTSD population- but for me, personally- is that it comes and fades. It actually vacillates throughout the day. As I was coming out of the fog, I would remain at a full 10 at nights (I can only suspect that it was so high at nights because that's when my mother would beat me). During days, it would sometimes drop down to a 4 or a 5. On three very rare occasions, it dissipated completely. This lucidity only lasted only a few seconds, one time for a few minutes. My anxiety was slowly coming under control as I progressed in therapy.

During this time I fully committed to saving my life. I lived near this peaceful canyon and would go out there and meditate on a near daily basis. I would hyperfocus on water bottles, my hands, anything that could try and make me feel more present. I replaced sugar with fish oil, gave up drinking, laid out under the stars trying to calm myself. I know that I cannot credit any of these things with lifting my DP/DR, but I do know that altering my lifestyle helped significantly. Even if only because it made processing my memories more tolerable, or because it gave me some sense of control in an uncontrollable situation, it was necessary.

It still vacillates, but from morning until sunset I am usually at a zero. I am fully here. Some nights, I still get the DP/DR, but I'm no longer afraid of it because now I understand it and know that it will go away when I am more relaxed. My psychologist was so good that she could tell where my DP/DR was on a scale of 1-10 in our therapy sessions. I think this sort of brought down the fear. One thing about DP/DR is that if you experience(d) it, sometimes you experience it in response to someone else experiencing it. To clarify, if someone you're talking with is dissociating, you start to feel out of it too! It's happened to me and she perfected it, so it made it a lot less scary.

Now, I see dissociation as a unique, protective defense mechanism. It served me well as a child, and now that I've unloaded all of the crap, and know that I'll survive with the realization of all that happened to me, I no longer need it. Dissociation is not a bad thing until it becomes chronic. Here are some things to remember:

Worrying about it, and especially about the fact that it may never go away, is only going to ramp up your anxiety. It almost strengthens it, but I don't want to scare you. It doesn't like concretize the DP/DR, adding more time to your life that you'll experience it, it only strengthens its intensity until you calm down. When your thoughts are on a loop about the DP/DR, you definitely aren't going to calm down.

You may feel like your DP/DR is about your MDMA trip, or your LSD trip, whatever. There is probably a reason, though, that you were experimenting so heavily with drugs, or why when you were experimenting you had such a bad time. Don't discount the possibility that you have a history of child abuse, be it physical, emotional, or sexual, or a build up of severe stress over events throughout your life. I don't want to create false memories, and there is a possibility that there are members of this board that acquired their DP/DR through drugs alone, but I'm willing to wager that a large portion of you, if not all of you, are experiencing dissociation because of something in your past. Be open to the possibility.

Don't buy any of these bogus supplements. The shit about your pineal gland, the 5-HTP, this guy's youtube package... are these the miracle cures that people are still touting these days? I vaguely remember reading up on those things when I was trying to fix this myself. Forget all of it.

I really recommend you getting off this board and into therapy. Even if you don't have an abuse history, you have severe anxiety and you need to talk to someone about it. It will really help you calm your nerves at the very least. DP/DR is so distressing that even just talking about it with a well-trained psychologist will make life more livable. I recommend finding your local T from this organization: http://www.isst-d.org/

And here are some FAQs: http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=76#deper

The professionals at this organization know more about this. Take their words more seriously! I'm just a lay person with my own experience.

That's really all of the info I have. I will respond to any comments/questions if you guys have any.

Best. Hugs.

PS- You aren't schizophrenic!


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## AlexDAK (Jan 17, 2011)

Thanks for your post, it's very usefull for me, I am starting my own therapy now. I never thought it was something wrong with me, until I saw a Harris Harrington videos. Now I am sure thay my DP is a result of narcissistic abuse in childhood.


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## oyster (Aug 8, 2015)

So glad that I could help you. I remember looking at his videos 5 years ago and I don't know if things have changed but you had to buy a package or something in order to get "full access" to learn about how to recover.

This won't cure your DP/DR.

And guess what? My DP also turned out to be because of narcissistic abuse in childhood. My mother had full-blown NPD. What's craziest is that I asked my dad for old home videos. I couldn't believe what I saw- that at age 5, there were moments where I would look away from the camera and actually dissociate! I had no idea that I was experiencing DP/DR at such a young age, but there was proof before my very eyes!

I know your pain and stress, AlexDAK, but am overjoyed to know that your DP is a result of your childhood experiences (I know that sounds really weird!) *I wish you could've been spared the abuse*, but this fact makes me so confident that your DP IS treatable, and CAN absolutely go away!!!


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## luctor et emergo (May 22, 2015)

What an inspiring story, thanks for sharing! Can you tell a bit more about the contents, the form and the frequency of your therapy?


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

A very inspiring story and dare I say it, a very typical experience of why many here have DPD unfortunately. Thanks for coming back and sharing that with us.

It's very interesting you noticed that nights were when your DPD would peak, and making the connection with night time corresponding to the time when you were often abused. I'd be interested to know how you eventually dealt with the feelings (anxiety?) you'd have around night time to lessen the dissociation.

I've been seeing a specialist psychologist as well for some time now and experiencing great progress. Like you, I couldn't emphasise enough how important finding a good therapist can be in the recovery journey.

A lot of people on this site experience complete numbness of feelings and emotions. Did you experience this lack of 'everything'? If so, what's your interpretation of what this is..

Cheers


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## oyster (Aug 8, 2015)

There was a numbing in all physical, mental, and emotional aspects. However, I was surprised to find that it was very easy to trust this psychologist, and as soon as there was an established feeling of trust, the emotional detachment was the first to go. All of the repressed fear, grief, and anger rose to my conscious awareness where it had been previously dissociated away. Before that moment, I'm not sure that I was psychologically ready or able to open up those wounds. So yes, leading up to that point I would say, in hindsight, that I was emotionally numb.

It begins with vulnerability. In the presence of an empathetic, reliable other (I think the best person for this is a psychologist because (s)he is objective, and this is a bigger task than would be fair to ask a significant other to help you with), the walls start coming down. If you think about it, dissociation by its very nature is a blockade against the world, a fortification against vulnerability! The resolution of derealization takes a lot longer. With a safe person in a safe space, you can be emotionally vulnerable. That's your one hour slot to open up emotionally. But letting go of derealization means being physically vulnerable out in the world. In the streets, on subways, anywhere. Be patient with this one. It could take a lot of time.

For me, depersonalization comes last. If you grew up in an invalidating environment, there was little opportunity for a whole person to even develop. What identity could you be so far removed from if you weren't allowed to have one in the first place? But again, don't worry- you have a sense of self and you've been through a ton. When the derealization is gone and the grief starts to subside, you become curious about yourself and the world around you. You begin to feel like you're inhabiting your own body. This part is the best, it makes you feel sort of grateful that you had to sort through all this shit.

As you've probably gathered by this point, this work takes years. You may be lucky and your DP/DR may resolve after a mere year! But there's more to work through. For this reason, I'm not sure I would've benefited from shorter-term therapies like CBT or DBT. My psychologist is mostly psychodynamic in orientation, though she says she incorporates quite a few modalities and sort of tailors therapy to the needs of that person. In the beginning, I saw her once a week and she was available by phone and email as I was going through the really emotional, frightening stage. Now, we're sometimes on a one week or two week basis, depending on the circumstances. I'll probably work with her for several more years, because DP/DR is just one symptom of a bigger trauma, for me.

Hope that covers it! Feel free to PM or comment here if you have any more qs!


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## oyster (Aug 8, 2015)

Oh! Just saw that I didn't cover how I tolerated the anxiety at nights. The most helpful thing for me those nights was to do a full body-scan meditation to feel in my body and ground myself in the present moment. I did it with eyes open, so my psyche couldn't take me anywhere else. This is now, not then. The threat of danger is over. That's what the DP/DR gremlin needs to believe!


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## Zed (Jul 25, 2015)

Thanks so much for taking the time here oyster. I think this thread has invaluable information for many people wanting to recover from DPD.

Your (and your T's) approach to DR is very interesting. An old T of mine had quite a different approach when DR was a major problem for me which worked very effectively and quite quickly also. I guess it just goes to show how a good t will tailor their approach according to the needs of their patients. Overall though I see many similarities with both our T's methods.

I'm glad you mentioned the fact that therapy for DPD can take years. There's a lot of people here who believe therapy should be over in a matter of months or even weeks. They end up getting very frustrated with the whole idea of therapy and often give up before the healing work truly begins. An old T of mine once said it can take more than 12 months for a patient to begin to even trust them and thus open up and start talking about the deep underlying issues (of which there will be many!) needed for healing.

Nice to hear you've made such amazing progress! Kudos to you!


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## oyster (Aug 8, 2015)

Wow Natas, I'd be curious to know what you guys did that was so quickly successful! And I totally agree with everything you said about the length of time required for some of us. I think it's safe to say that all of our mileages may vary, but more often than not there really are no quick fixes.

Congrats to you on your progress and sounds like I don't have to tell you to stick with it, but stick with it! Best of luck.


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