# Mindfulness, anxiety, and depersonalization



## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

Introduction

As early as I can remember, I have had anxiety. Not normal nervousness, but severe and debilitating anxiety. It was debilitating in many ways that I will describe in more detail in the various links in this article. My anxiety affected just about every aspect of my life. Even the most mundane and everyday tasks were often painful exercises.

Shortly after my 40th birthday, I freed myself from the anxiety I had lived with for so long. I was able to do this using a technique called 'mindfulness meditation' which I learned from "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety" by John P. Forsyth and Georg H. Eifert. What this book teaches is to NOT avoid or run away from anxiety, but instead to fully embrace it. I describe mindfulness meditation in more detail below.

I describe my anxiety in detail here: link to Anxiety article

Depersonalization (DPD)

In my research and personal experience with anxiety, I came to learn that depersonalization is symptom of severe anxiety. I can remember experiencing DPD as far back as 7 years old. However, I learned much later that what I experienced was DPD. The more I learned about DPD, the more it became clear to me that DPD was rooted in severe anxiety.

I describe my experience with DPD in detail here: link to Depersonalization article

Childhood

From what I've read, severe anxiety always comes from a traumatic event or series of events. My anxiety was rooted in a difficult early childhood. My father was an alcoholic, had a gambling addiction, and was verbally and emotionally abusive to both me and my mother. He was possibly physically abusive, although I can't remember much of my early childhood before the age of 5.

I describe my anxiety in detail here: link to Anxiety article

Mindfulness

I had all sorts of coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. Some would help me get by and get through each day. However, nothing really resolved the issues underlying the anxiety. I was almost 40 and living with severe anxiety, and I thought there had to be a better way. If I continued on the path I was going, I would probably have had a nervous breakdown.

I decided that I needed to dig into my past and figure out the source of my anxiety. Maybe if I could get to the source, I could figure out a way to get rid of the anxiety. I wasn't sure where to start, as I had so many issues such as depression, sleeplessness, as well as anxiety. I heard about Dr. Sarno's book so I decided to start with that book. The list of books I read, in order, is here: link to book list

The book that finally showed me how to relieve my anxiety is "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety" by Dr. Eifert. This book teaches a whole new way of approaching anxiety. Many of the ideas and techniques are counterintuitive at first. But as I worked through the exercises, the simple, yet powerful, techniques taught me a great deal about my emotions and thought processes. And ultimately, Dr. Eifert's book taught me how to overcome my anxiety!

Please read more about Mindfulness here: link to Mindfulness article

Psychologist

I highly recommend working with a psychologist as you go through the process of getting to the roots of your anxiety. You will undoubtedly trigger some strong memories and emotions with these techniques. Working with a trained and experienced psychologist has helped me immensely.

Conclusion

The purpose of writing this material is to share my experience with overcoming anxiety and the various symptoms resulting from it. Before starting down the path of getting to the source of my anxiety, I was a complete mess. I suffered from all of the symptoms I have listed here (link to Symptoms article) and I was just plain miserable. Today, I am a new person compared to who I was before going down this path of self-discovery. I now have a life free from debilitating anxiety, depersonalization, throat constriction and most of the other symptoms. I am starting my life anew at age 40.

My heart aches when I read stories on anxiety and DPD web sites from people describing their battles with these ailments. What I've learned through my experience is that anxiety and DPD can be overcome. It will take some work, maybe lots of work, but it can be done.

If you have some time, please read the articles on my web site. (link to my site) You may find them interesting. It is my hope that the information shared can be of help to someone suffering from anxiety and depersonalization.

Thanks,
Mindfulness


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## Chris P Bacon (May 31, 2011)

A very good and interesting post there, thank you for sharing!

I agree with you when you say anxiety is caused by events in life that affect you deeply, especially if it happens during childhood, but I also think your personality plays a huge role, some people experience traumatic events but can brush them off quite easily and get on with their lives.

I have always been quite sensitive and I've always tried to bottle my emotions up, I never feel comfortable around people who are clearly upset or distressed and who look to me to give them some support or attention.

When I was 15 my mother and father split up in bad circumstances and I was absolutely devastated, I was really depressed about it and a few months after that my Grandfather who I was very close to passed away.

The stress and anger in me built up and simmered away for a few months, I started to suffer migraine headaches quite regularly. I started to worry about the migraines and all of a sudden I was a shuddering wreck worrying about my health. I suffered numerous panic attacks during which I would experience depersonalization and derealization but they would always drift away once I had calmed down.

This went on for about 8 or so months, I had important exams to sit and split up with my girlfriend, I had to think about what I wanted to do for a living and which College I wanted to go to and the stress just kept building up.

I grew anxious about my eyes and visited the Opticians on numerous occasions.

Finally, in September 2008 after about the 5th time in a few months I had visited the eye doctor only to be told there was nothing wrong with my eyes again things started to sink in. Maybe, just maybe all of this worrying is all in my head and there is nothing wrong with my health?

Little over a month later I was recovered, I don't really know how I recovered but I did. I think College played a big part, my course began shortly after that visit to the Opticians in September and instead of focussing on my anxiety I was now focussing on work and making new friends. My untamed mind all of a sudden zoned back in and I resumed normal living again.

I was happy once more and although I was grateful for normality for a few months I soon got back into the swing of things and started worrying about normal stuff such as exams and started to enjoy my hobbies again.

2009 came and went, it was a great year for me.

2010 started well, but in about July 2010 I started to notice a change in my mood, I was just a little bit miserable and I never really understood why. Looking back I think I actually started suffering from some acute depression. It wasn't really that bad in all honesty and I probably could have lived with it.

Things carried on as normal for a few months but then in December 2010 I remember waking up with a sore rib and the first thought that entered my head was "cancer". I don't know why, but looking back, that was the start of my descent back into the mental torture that is anxiety.

So yeah, December 2010 was a bad time for me, January 2011 was even worse and come February I was an anxious wreck. Then all of a sudden one day I was at College and BANG... everything felt unreal and foggy.

Been that way ever since.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

Just wanted to....using the user name mindfulness might make for some
rather conusing conversations.......


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

kate_edwin said:


> Just wanted to....using the user name mindfulness might make for some
> rather conusing conversations.......


Honestly Kate...when I saw his username, I thought for a second that it might actually be YOU! Lol.


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## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

insaticiable said:


> Honestly Kate...when I saw his username, I thought for a second that it might actually be YOU! Lol.


Thanks for the tip; I changed my display name.


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## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

Chris P Bacon said:


> I agree with you when you say anxiety is caused by events in life that affect you deeply, especially if it happens during childhood, but I also think your personality plays a huge role, some people experience traumatic events but can brush them off quite easily and get on with their lives.


I think mindfulness techniques give you the tools to free yourself from issues like anxiety. I agree with you that your personality plays a huge role in how life events effect you. I used mindfuless meditation to examine how my childhood affected me and how I dealt with everything that happened to me.

As an example, I used to be very afraid to speak my mind in groups of people. So using mindfulness, my thinking went like this:

question: Why am I afrad to speak my mind?
answer: I don't like to be the center of attention.

Q: Why don't I like to be the center of attention? 
A: I like to be invisible.

Q: Why do I like to be invisible?
A: If I'm invisible, I won't be a target.

Q: A target of what?
A: Ridicule, attacks

Q: Who would want to ridicule or attack me?
A: My father, if I speak my mind, or talk back to him, or contradict him in some way.

So you keep digging, and eventually you get to the source. Once you understand your thought process you can change it. In this example, I no longer have to fear ridicule when I speak my mind. It is okay to speak up in public, stand up for myself, and contradict others (when appropriate, of course).

To me, mindfulness is being aware of your own thought processes. You want to look out for thoughts that no longer serve you, or that are plain unhealthy. You can unravel and release these unhealthy thoughts and begin to lift yourself out of the unreality and fog.


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

I love your post!

I used Mindfulness as part of my recovery from DP. I had it since childhood.

Mindfulness is like magic. Because you are not judging the emotion, you are able to go into the feeling, and it throws up all sorts of memories and realisations about why you are the way you are.

I have posted about mindfulness on here before, and how it helped me. I think you can cure most emotional disorders using it.

When I meditate, all sorts of painful stuff comes to the surface but I have learned not to judge them or panic about them, and learn from them and let them go.

Also, look into Trauma Release Exercises, they have been a mini miracle for me. I am feeling so much better for doing them.


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## orca (Nov 21, 2011)

Big +1 for mindfulness here,

Maybe a admin should put up a pinned article of mindulness as it seems so important to regain the feel of life.


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## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

mindfulness can and will help anything and everything if you put in the time and effort. wont fix it wont cure it, but it will make it easier


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## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

violetgirl said:


> Mindfulness is like magic.


I wholeheartedly agree. The mindfulness meditations I learned were so simple that I honestly wasn't expecting much from doing them. But wow, was I wrong! Some of my meditations were just so powerful and revealing. There is probably a body of knowledge and science behind mindfulness that I know little about. It's deceptively simple.



> Because you are not judging the emotion, you are able to go into the feeling, and it throws up all sorts of memories and realisations about why you are the way you are.


That's probably the hardest part of mindfulness, which is to stay neutral in the face of any emotions, memories, etc. that come up. It's easy to lose focus sometimes, at least for me.

If you can stay with the pain and hurt that comes up, and not try to block it out or try to get rid of it, if you can accept whatever comes up, then you can examine it for what it is. It is there to teach you something, just as you said.

I've also been helped by Dr. Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, which helps me see through the irrational thinking at cause of some of my psychological disorders. I've been able to let go of some 'shoulds' and 'musts' that were contributing to my anxiety.

Thanks for the tip on Trauma Release Exercises! Do you recommend any books on it? "Revolutionary Trauma Release Process: Transcend Your Toughest Times" by David Berceli has good reviews on Amazon.


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## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

orca said:


> Big +1 for mindfulness here,
> 
> Maybe a admin should put up a pinned article of mindulness as it seems so important to regain the feel of life.


Thanks.

Mindfulness probably saved my life. I had severe anxiety that was 95% cured by Mindfulness meditation. (I'm still working on the remaining 5%) I don't even want to think about where I would be without Mindfulness. I've literally regained my life. My anxiety was debilitating, and now that it is gone, it's like I have a whole new life. I can do things now that I had no ability to do before, like have conversations with strangers, speak in public, assert myself when necessary. I can go on and gush about Mindfulness forever..


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

Mindfulness Fan said:


> I wholeheartedly agree. The mindfulness meditations I learned were so simple that I honestly wasn't expecting much from doing them. But wow, was I wrong! Some of my meditations were just so powerful and revealing. There is probably a body of knowledge and science behind mindfulness that I know little about. It's deceptively simple.
> 
> That's probably the hardest part of mindfulness, which is to stay neutral in the face of any emotions, memories, etc. that come up. It's easy to lose focus sometimes, at least for me.
> 
> ...


Hi

You can download an instructional DVD for about $20, which is what I did. It's much easier to follow people demonstrating the exercises, and you can see how the body reacts during them. 
http://www.namastepublishing.com/products/digital-download/revolutionary-trauma-release-process-real-time/DB01-TRTREThese exercises have changed my life. It also helps with being mindful. It has released trauma that I could never put into words, or didn't know was there. Physicall, I feel so much better. No insomnia, no panic attacks, I am much more calm and clear headed. I just feel more open and aware, wheras before I was really closed off into myself. I just feel like 29 years of crap has been lifted from my body. And if I have a bad bad, I do the TRE, and i feel that the day is over and I can release whatever's been bothering me and im not carrying it into my sleep, or the next day.

I really think that Mindfulness is a cure for DP. Well, it's a cure for most things, but especially DP as it's so hard to treat.
Breathing techniques have helped to ground me when I 'float off'. It's helped to reduce my OCD. And it's helped me to face painful emotions, whereas before I would dissociate. I am learnig that life is pain, and going 'into' it is how we change, rather than wasting time trying to avoid it. Meditatng on painful emotions, it's hard, and I often have to stop and start. But I am rewarded with a realisation about why something has hurt me. Often, it's something that reminds me of something that happened when I was young. Shame is a big part of why I have DP.

Yes, I too am having to retrain old thinking patterns. Since doing the TRE, my inner monologue is a lot less abusive and negative. But I have a lifetime of maladaptive thinking to change, which is hard!

I am so glad you wrote this post. I wrote a long post about it, but it pretty much got ignored. Maybe you could ask the mods to sticky it? More people need to see this.


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## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

kate_edwin said:


> mindfulness can and will help anything and everything if you put in the time and effort. wont fix it wont cure it, but it will make it easier


It does take time and effort, and it brings up emotions, thoughts, memories, etc. that are difficult to relive and work through. However, it is worth it because it gives you freedom.


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## Mindfulness Fan (Feb 17, 2012)

violetgirl said:


> You can download an instructional DVD for about $20, which is what I did. It's much easier to follow people demonstrating the exercises, and you can see how the body reacts during them.
> http://www.namastepublishing.com/products/digital-download/revolutionary-trauma-release-process-real-time/DB01-TRTRE
> These exercises have changed my life. It also helps with being mindful. It has released trauma that I could never put into words, or didn't know was there. Physicall, I feel so much better. No insomnia, no panic attacks, I am much more calm and clear headed. I just feel more open and aware, wheras before I was really closed off into myself. I just feel like 29 years of crap has been lifted from my body. And if I have a bad bad, I do the TRE, and i feel that the day is over and I can release whatever's been bothering me and im not carrying it into my sleep, or the next day.
> 
> ...


Sweet--thanks so much! I can't wait to get started with the exercises.

I can totally relate to everything you are writing about: insomnia, panic attacks, calmness, OCD, emotional pain, and especially shame--I grew up in a very Catholic family!









My DP was triggered by anxiety, and with Mindfulness I was able to release about 90% of my anxiety. I still depersonalize sometimes, but now I am aware of when it is happening and I can use Mindfulness techniques to pull myself out of it.

So you were able to cure all the symptoms you wrote about with TRE? Or was it a combination of TRE and Mindfulness? This is really exciting for me, because TRE might be able to get rid of that last 10% of anxiety I still have. Like you, I may have physical trauma that I don't even know I have.

Can you post a link to your Mindfulness post? I would like to read it. I can inquire with the moderators to see if they can pin this post.

I'm 40, and my biggest regret is that I didn't discover Mindfulness, and now trauma release, 30 years ago. My whole life has been a fog of anxiety, DP, depression. I wish I could start over. When somebody invents a time machine, I'll be the first in line!


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## violetgirl (Apr 11, 2011)

I developed DP/DR when I was 8, had it for 20 years. I had other issues such as self-harm, anxiety, relationship issues (I have borderline personality disorder and an identity disorder)

I did a lot of self-therapy and mindfulness to get rid of the DP. Mainly looking up different types of parental abuse, identity problems, etc.

I then started to struggle and needed something to help me, as I was worried about relapsing. So a friend recommended TRE to me. I was skeptical at first, because it just sounded like muscle stretching. But within days I noticed a big difference in the way I was thinking and relating to people. I just felt more open and aware and less anxious.

I am attending a therapy group for people with emotional issues, and they are using mindfulness. But I do TRE every night, or else I don't sleep well. It is helping me to lose the BS defenses that I had up, and i feel closer to the person I should be.

I hope you get good results from them!


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