# I'm terrified, someone please help me.



## believe1 (Aug 17, 2011)

My name is Anna and depersonalization started a few months ago for me. I noticed that I'd started feeling like I was in a dream, as if I was constantly high from smoking pot. Sometimes I get a horrible feeling that I smoked too much and something in my mind went haywire. I am a law student and I seem to have my life completely together...but I am falling apart on the inside. I was diagnosed with mild Bipolar Disorder II and I have been feeling extremely depressed lately.

I am terrified...I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like sometimes when I am not concentrated on a task I feel completely unreal. I try looking at myself in the mirror, I've tried grounding exercises but it won't go away. My boyfriend even sometimes doesn't feel real...as if I am from another place, as if I am inside my mind but not really here. I don't know how to even describe it, I don't know how to fix it but even as I type these words I am crying because I need this to go away. Someone PLEASE help me. I have asked my family, I have asked my psychiatrist, I have asked my boyfriend...but I know that I didn't used to feel this way and I beg someone to tell me that it please goes away.

Please someone help me.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

Hey Anna,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Dealing with depersonalization is very difficult, especially for the first few months. However, the first few months are a good place to be because the condition could remit early on in its course. As much as possible at this point try to focus on living your life as you always have. It sounds like you are still high functioning - fantastic - you should continue to cultivate that power.

Are you on any medication for your bi-polar? There can be links between other psychiatric conditions and depersonalization. It can be a symptom of depression and anxiety. In such cases you can treat the depression and the depersonalization will lift - this may end up being the case for you. My best recommendation would be to give it more time, and if it doesn't resolve in the next 3 months - perhaps you can pursue a more rigorous treatment regime aimed specifically at treating the depersonalization.

best,

Phoenix


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## believe1 (Aug 17, 2011)

PhoenixDown said:


> Hey Anna,
> 
> I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Dealing with depersonalization is very difficult, especially for the first few months. However, the first few months are a good place to be because the condition could remit early on in its course. As much as possible at this point try to focus on living your life as you always have. It sounds like you are still high functioning - fantastic - you should continue to cultivate that power.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for responding. What exactly is a regime aimed more specifically at treating the depersonalization? I'm taking Lamictal for the bipolar disorder. However, I started the antibiotic Micocycline or something and I read somewhere that that doesn't help depersonalization. It started before that though so it's not the antibiotic. In a few weeks I was told to start taking some anti-depressants as well. I don't know...the what ifs come a lot as well. It's as if I am stuck in my own head..what if I wasted my life by being a certain way? What if other people are better? Why can't I be carefree? Why is this person so much happier? to the trivial, what if I were prettier, etc. etc. I'm just sad...I just want to be happy and not a freak...because that's how I feel.


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## PhoenixDown (Mar 3, 2011)

believe1 said:


> Thank you so much for responding. What exactly is a regime aimed more specifically at treating the depersonalization? I'm taking Lamictal for the bipolar disorder. However, I started the antibiotic Micocycline or something and I read somewhere that that doesn't help depersonalization. It started before that though so it's not the antibiotic. In a few weeks I was told to start taking some anti-depressants as well. I don't know...the what ifs come a lot as well. It's as if I am stuck in my own head..what if I wasted my life by being a certain way? What if other people are better? Why can't I be carefree? Why is this person so much happier? to the trivial, what if I were prettier, etc. etc. I'm just sad...I just want to be happy and not a freak...because that's how I feel.


I'll try to answer your questions in the order they were asked. I am not a licensed doctor so please take my comments as suggestions and speak with your physician/psychiatrist with regards to any medication. Anyway, hopefully this will help you in some way.

First, In terms of a medication regime for depersonalization, there is a combo that is used to treat it that has become the norm in the depersonalization clinic in Maudsley London - this combo is klonopin, celexa, and lamictal. The lamictal is usually the drug people are more wary of, but considering you are on it already maybe the addition of an antidepressant is a good idea. In terms of the Klonopin (clonazepam - an anti-anxiety agent), I would be careful with getting it prescribed if you have any addictive personality. However, you seem to hold a lot of anxiety so perhaps it would be useful to get some relief from that. From my experience, anti-depressants and anti anxiety medications help a lot with obsessive "what if" thinking.

Second, I wouldn't be overly concerned with the minocycline if your DP onset was before taking it. There is no research or reason to believe DP gets worse with the use of further substances. The generally held view is that substances are only held accountable with the onset of DP, not the worsening.

As a general note, it is useful to separate the feeling of DP from other negative experience - ex. depression and anxiety. There is a tendency in this condition to blame everything on the DP when sometimes there are other factors at play. Finally, as a response to your general concerns at the bottom of your paragraph I would say those questions are worth dealing with head on. Maybe this will make you uncomfortable but:

What if you wasted your life being a certain way? - Well, maybe you didn't - you certainly have some experiences you value. In the odd case where you literally have wasted all your time, you can't really change that and all you can do is do better now.

What if other people are better? - Most likely there are a lot of people better and a lot of people worse, but this depends on your values and beliefs anyway. Figure out what matters to you, then compare yourself to others if you feel it necessary.

In terms of your beliefs about being a freak, you are wrong. You have a mental condition, this is a very normal human experience. Don't be so hard on yourself. Be patient and take care of yourself.


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## ahbay03 (Sep 19, 2011)

Anna,
Please please please dont be hard on yourself. I understand where your coming from I am only 25 and deal with this daily. You are such a strong individual. Our mind has more power than ever to make or break a situation. If you keep pressing... Toward the finish line you will make it. Find people who suffer from this as well. lets get a huge support group going.. Anna.. Ill pray for you.


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## Carrie (Jun 10, 2010)

Anna! I'm glad you're here seeking support. You will be okay. Start building a support system. Seek a good therapist. Let someone you trust know what you're going through right now.

As for the DP, the less you think about it, the less it will occur.

I got diagnosed with anxiety of depression, and Zoloft really helped me, but I don't know how that would work with your bipolar disorder. For now, do some vitamins. B12 and Fish Oil are great for your brain. Keep yourself busy and distracted. I like to do puzzles when I feel a DP episode coming on.

Most importantly, believe in yourself. You can get better! We're here to help! We know what you're experiencing and you're not going crazy, because this is something the brain does to escape reality, big changes in life, stressful situations, etc. It is fixable and manageable, and it's not completely abnormal.

Good luck!


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## AnitaNewStart (Oct 15, 2011)

hello there, my name is anita, and i'm new here too. i am almost in tears as i write to you, because i pretty much just read everything that i feel in your post. i know it's so scary, its so damn scary. but i think knowing that there actually IS other people who feel this way helps a lot. i scare some people when i try to tell them how it feels, they can't possibly understand. so although you are so afraid right now, you need to know that your words give me comfort and hope, i don't know why i didn't think to look up a site like this sooner, i am 25 and have been having these episodes since i was about 11 years old. it goes and it comes, i don't think you should be afraid that it will go on and on for you, i will do my best to send you good vibes, good energy and prayers. please don't be afraid, i know that sounds silly since i myself and very afraid of how this feels, but together, as a community, we can help one another. trust yourself, remind yourself of all the things that you know about yourself to be true, i start to list all my information that i know by heart, my name, age, bday, social, address, phone number, siblings, past times, things that make me feel happy, i do my best to distract that awful floating away feeling that i start to get in my chest. please don't be afraid. i know it may not mean much, but i'm here for you, i am proof that you are real. be strong anna, it will pass. it always does.


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## chloe_03 (Nov 30, 2013)

hi Anna!

First of all, as you can see, you are not alone, not alone at all. And you must not give up and as many before me replied to you, do not be hard on yourself.

I'm 22, and I have had chronix depersonalization too for the past 9 months, in a constant way.

In my case, I was suspected of being bipolar or maybe borderline before all of this, but had no diagnosis. I had very bad anxiety (had experienced episodes of derealization and panic attacks before ) and was very hard on myself (feeling guilty and not good enough).

It all started with a major depression, and in my case the depression and anxiety got worse when I started taking minocycline, the depersonalization slowly appeared. So I would recommend ANYONE not to take this medication. It can cause some damage.

But don't be alarmed, because in your case, as your dp had already started before minocycline, it seems like the cause of it ( the explanation to why this "protecting mecanism" of disconnecting yourself has begun ) is somewhere else. It might be the depression you've been having for a while. It happens to a lot of people in very depressed or anxious situations.

I read someone replied to you about Klonopin ( clonazepam ), and sort of warned you. I agree totally, because it is very addictive, + not very good for your brain. I took it for a couple of months to relieve myself and it did work, but it is no long term solution for your brain + it gave me suicidal ideation and worsened my depresion (but everyone reacts differently) .

Finding a therapist that you can trust will help a lot, this way you can trace back and identify what might have triggered the dp. I believe there are deeper explanations to depersonalization, and we must dig in our past, and in our past perception of ourselves... I realized this looking at the work of Harris Harrington, someone who has experienced dp for 2 years and recovered from it !!!






Watching his videos, I recognized myself in a lot of elements he talks about. This might bring you some answers ( I hope), I know it helped me a lot going through this.

Another reference that might help you is Daphne Simeon. She has done a lot of research and books on depersonalization and she is a psychiatrist/therapist in New York.

What is really important is that you take care of your depression. I just started Wellbutrin ( an anti depressant) and it is the only anti depressant that has worked for me so far. It is said to help with the feelings of depersonalization. It helps, (I'm not back completely) but it helps a lot.

I also take omega 3 (for the depression) , probiotics, and Vitamin B complex each morning since a week or so and it seems to help. And those are harmless, you can't stress yourself about taking them. I read in a lot of testimonies from depersonalized individuals that it helps. I'm not saying this is the cure, but why not trying it ? It seems to help a lot of people. And be careful with vitamin B12 in itself, because it is a very strong stimulant ( could trigger more anxiety ) I have tried both, and I would recommend the B complex vitamins (more balanced) than only B12.

Work on strategies to heal, one by one, and hang on. You will get through. Be strong. I know how hard it is ( I'm in the same place right now) , but I know I found hope in seeing people heal ( because they do and we can ) but it is no easy task, and takes a lot of work, because unfortunately for us, this phenomenon is underinvestigated. So, we must find people who know the disorder, by experience or knowledge (professionals in dissociation or dp itself) and share our answers within ourselves to help each other.

Be strong, and don't be ashamed. You're not alone. And tell us how you are doing in your healing process.
I know this is a lot of information, but I hope this helps. Don't give up, you are strong enough to get through this. And will be even stronger afterwards.

Xx


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