# My boyfriend has DP (Need advice!)



## Holly (Nov 10, 2012)

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## arar (Oct 30, 2012)

Dear HollyM,

I have also just recently joined this site because I have just begun to realize that I have struggled for many years with the very same things that you describe in your boyfriend. I am writing to you with my advice based on what sounds like something I am very familiar with. Hopefully, I am right about that and you find my advice accurate and worthwhile. This is just my best guess from everything you've said. No one was ever able to explain this to me and it took years of suffering on my part to begin to understand even a little what I was really experiencing.

I am very impressed with your wisdom and insight into your boyfriend's condition and your willingness to maintain your support for him in spite of everything that he has told you. Knowing what I do about this problem from the inside, your boyfriend may very well continue to push you away just because he doesn't know any other way. He may or may not know whether he loves you or not but his condition may prevent him from knowing one way or the other. So, if you are willing to stand by him and support him to get the help he needs, there could be no greater gift, if he is willing and able to seek the help. This DP/DR stuff is wickedly deceptive and really messes with ones head and thinking and distorts reality so much. I just hope he is able to understand that his perceptions are being distorted by his experience. He may have no clue what is really going on but thinks he does. So, I wish you the best. You are wise and brave to take this on. And I hope some other people have some other advice to give you from the outside looking in since mine is from the inside looking out. I could have used someone like you in my life when I first began to have these experiences although I might not have even listened. I would think that the more knowledge you can bring to him about what he's experiencing the more likely that he will hear you.


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## Holly (Nov 10, 2012)

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## arar (Oct 30, 2012)

I wouldn't have wanted to listen because the condition itself distorts our thinking. For one, I know for myself, that I always figured I could work things out myself. I am smart. I am capable. I ought to be able to do that. I didn't want to think that there was anything wrong with me, even though there was, and deep down inside I knew there was. It's very confusing, believe me. Part of the thinking, at least for me, was that I needed to learn to trust myself more, rely on myself more, not others. So, if DP/DR pulled me away from someone I figured that was my desire speaking and I would pull away. It was what I believed I needed to listen to. And believe me, I am only just starting to look at this myself, and learn more about it myself. It's not like I'm all cured and perfect now. I just saw myself in exactly what you described in him and know that my personal ways of dealing with haven't worked.

So, the one thing I might have listened to, because it was the one symptom I could point my finger at, was if someone could have directly addressed the DP/DR symptoms. I was always desperate to feel more connected and present in my life.  Everything else, dealing with my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, was confusing and distorted. But the DP/DR symptoms were not. They were real. I just didn't know what it meant. And I am still in the process of learning about it and trying to deal with it.

I hope this helps some. Whatever it is, the process in healing will be gradual. Hang in there. I hope you can help him. Maybe you can show him this website and that there are other people who have experienced what he is experiencing. He is not alone. He is not weird. He is not screwed up. Or it might be too much for him to acknowledge. No one likes to admit to these things. It is shameful and embarrassing. Hopefully he will come to realize that his symptoms are an indicator of something else and he can be more OK if he deals with it.

If I can help any more please write again.


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## Holly (Nov 10, 2012)

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## arar (Oct 30, 2012)

I am not sure what to say about it. A lot of this sounds familiar. I'll think about whether I have anything else to add. At this point I am still impressed with your ability to see this in him. That means that you are OK. It will take at least one OK person in his life to help him. It's really hard to see this in oneself other than to admit that one has a problem. I do think the younger one addresses it the easier it is to access where this all comes from. And it probably will take a trained psychotherapist to really him, someone who really knows this problem well. Not everyone does.


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## arar (Oct 30, 2012)

I keep thinking about your situation. I want to have some really great additional piece of advice that I haven't already said. Not sure what that would be at this point. I hope your boyfriend's need to be independent, strong, masculine, all that kind of stuff doesn't get in the way of him seeking help. It could. A movie called Antwone Fisher helped me see some of the reasons why I was suffering and to just begin to deal with it. And clearly the DP/DR is a result of some kind of pain, somewhere. The choice will be his in the end. He's lucky to have someone like you who at least sees what's going on. Doesn't any of his family or friends see it? Does anyone else try to help?


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## Holly (Nov 10, 2012)

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## arar (Oct 30, 2012)

What about his dad? Or some other adult who has been helpful to him in the past? Having support is so important. Hang in there. Keep your own spirits up too.


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## Holly (Nov 10, 2012)

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## arar (Oct 30, 2012)

Sounds like he has had a lot to handle in his life with his parent's divorce and other things. It probably all contributes to what he's going through. He's young and that's a good thing in terms of dealing with all this stuff. Better now than later down the road even though it still might be a rocky road for a while.


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## Dan27Brazil (Nov 1, 2012)

Hollym, first of all, I must say you are beautiful. Actually, I am not telling this referring for your appearance only, but mainly, your character and attitude. The way you love him is unrealistic amazing, like we just see in movies.
It had been a long time since I saw some writing so interesting and lovely like yours.
I tell you why. I´m 27, and I suffer from depersonalization for 7, 8 years, and it made a big difference in my life, even thoug, I can do my tasks, somehow, but much less I would like to.
In fact, my DP came suddenly as I never had any mental or any other relevant problem in my life till it came out, and, since then I am struggling to go through it, and, one of the things I miss so much is to have someone close to me, someone to love. Even though, it´s paradoxical, because sometimes, or, better, many times, I all wanted was to be alone, by myself, which was difficult to explain why, mainly, because we fell as we are getting crazy, or something else (everything is difficult do explain), but, the most confortable the DP one fells with the other person, and the less pression or hurry, the easier is going to be for the Dp person (me or your boyfriend). Sometimes, on the other hand, he will feel wanting you so badly, for companion, love, caress, kisses or even, sex.
And having you near is very important, in every sense.
First, because you are special. It´s not everybody who is so interested in the person, looking not for your interests, but his (and I must say you have to be very, very lovely and patient, always). Second, he will feel secure and strong having you by his side, besides his seel-esteem.
I´m sure it will be extremely important for him do improve or get recovered. Only improving, depending of how DP is affecting him might be very important. The cure depends on people, and must not be the main goal, but making him better, more confortable and that he is not getting crazy (which was horrible for me).
I am not cured, it still brings me many problems, changed negatively my life, but, I might say I improved very much, with the strong support of my family, but, without a girlfriend, which I am sure would be very important if she were dedicated as you are with him.
I am sure it will also be good to you, because you will build a relationship based on strong grounds, in real love, and, also I believe he has a lot of love to give, but his has strong difficulty to express it.

One thing you said that was remarkable for me was when he saif he loved me but he would never be able to feel the whole emotion like most people could. That sounds very familiar for me, because I feel exactly the same, And, it´s good you understand him, because it´s not his fault, he is victim of it, the important it´s that he loves you.

You know, you should be very, very patient to him, hold him, kiss him carrefully, and feel him and his rhythm. Everything is a mess in his head, it´s like the wind is blowing for 4 different different ways, and he has to keep calm.

It´s hard, but you have to go through. I don´t regret to face each step I faced since the beggining of this.

Take care, girl.

And ask me any question whenever you want.

Bye

Danilo


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