# I am getting better.



## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Hey everyone,

I must first apologize for somewhat disappearing over the past month. I started working 45 hours a week, and have been feeling better - thus my motivation to visit this site was crushed slightly.

For those of you who don't know me - I suffered from DP/DR for about 2 years, and then had this gap of a year where I felt pretty good - then I completely relapsed in November, fell to new lows - and have since made it my goal to fully understand and fully eliminate this illness.

My type of DP stemmed from a stint of an anxiety disorder and then hypochondria - and basically it was just a constant fear of 'does this feel real?' 'Does this feel the same as before?' 'Am I in a dream?' etc. Which then branched on to much more complex things such as obsessive states in which I believed I was losing my memory and would thus spend entire days trying to remember every single thing I had done in the day. When I was successful, I experienced momentary relief before the anxiety kicked right back in and I'd begin piecing it all together again.

First of all - I want to stress that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my brain. For me - all of these symptoms grew from my focusing on them. Without the focus - these symptoms cannot exist and it took me forever to realize/accept this. It makes sense logically though - how can something seem different if you are not focusing on it to notice it is different in the first place.

DP cannot exist if there isn't some part of our mind constantly checking if this is the same as before. It is created by our anxious minds and feeds off them.

Despite being nothing more than a creation by our over-active brains - DP isn't meaningless however and is a sign of other things buried below the surface. For me - my pain comes from not being all-knowing - anger at the limitations of being human, terror at the idea of being out of control of my own life. I have a Narcississtic Personality type - one that is particiularly prone to DP - as I put on an extremely bold front, yet am really insecure and scared at the deepest part of me.

Everything I just said in the last paragraph I would have laughed at during some point of my DP - saying that its not me, that I have lived a fine life and that my SYMPTOMS were the problem that needed treatment - instead of focusing on the cause of those symptoms. But low and behold it is true - my symptoms are representative of something else.

Now - not everyone has the same situation as me - but I want to share some things I have had shared with me by a close friend that have helped me a lot and perhaps can help you to get better:

1. Monitoring your thoughts will get you absolutely nowhere. What a majority of us in this board are stuck in is the 'chinese finger trap'. We find ourselves stuck in these obessive, worrisome thought loops and we are DESPERATE to get out - so we tug, and we tug - and the trap keeps getting tighter and tighter. The ONLY way to be free --> Stop tugging. When a thought enters your mind such as "Does this feel real?" or "Does this feel like my life before?" or "Do these people really feel like my friends?" etc - just STOP right there. There is nothing to be won by analyzing it. Move forward - feeling real or not - this is your life, and the only way to realize that is to stop being scared to live it and just move forward.

2. Living is a skill that comes naturally to us - but is one that obessive thoughts and anxiety can take away from us. My friend used the example of dancing when describing this to me and I found it to be an extremely effective metaphor. A comfortable dancer is able to swing through the steps effortlessly - the music plays, and the dancer becomes one with the music - not even needing to think about the next step - the flow just allows to come to the mind as the dancer moves. However a nervous dancer in front of an audience for the first time will begin to analyze the next move - make sure everything is going right - and it is this dancer that is much more likely to fall. Life is like this in that we cannot constantly monitor ourselves or we will not be able to function and flow. You won't believe how flowing and natural life feels when you get back in to it. Sometimes I can't even believe I ever had DP - life just moves on like it used to - never a second thought to the way I am living, the way life feels, etc.

3. Identifying a cause is usually more effective than focusing on the symptoms. I could spend days just telling someone every single one of my symptoms - expecting that for any one of them they would finally go "ohhh.. you've got that? turns out you ARE crazy.. sorry". While your symptoms matter to you - they are really not significant. You can label yourself with DP, OCD, severe anxiety, and many other mental illnesses. These are nothing but labels - you have a problem - and like all mental illnesses - this problem has a cause. I cannot identify the cause for you because I do not know your personal story and it would take some getting to know you to even be able to fathom a guess. But perhaps instead of focusing on the symptoms focus on determing a cause (keeping in mind though that focusing on neither is the most beneficial for you =) ). That being said:

4. A full understanding of DP/DR is needed in order to feel completely better. I felt better for nearly a year - I still had problems, but I was feeling pretty good. I relapsed - and I blame this on the fact that I just let distraction COMPLETELY 'heal me'. Distraction is great, and will be a great method for recovery for all of you - It still works for me. But to just eliminate DP as if it never happened is asking for it to come back. You need a full grasp and understanding of the illness, why it happened, and why you won't let it happen again.

That's about all I've got for now. Hopefully I haven't bored you all to tears. This is GOING to get better for EVERY single one of you - but it IS a fight. I am no where NEAR there - I have so much work to do, but I have said this before - when I get back to 100% this time - there will be NO relapse. I will have this illness conquered, and understood inside and out.

Good luck to everyone - I will check back for replies and can answer questions if you guys have some.

Matt


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## Vargas (Apr 26, 2006)

Hell yeah! You understand your condition perfectly, which is the first step to recovery. And you're going out and living your life, even working 45 hours a week. That's a hell of an accomplishment for someone with DP, and no doubt will contribute tremendously to your recovery. I'm happy for you.

Oh, and see if you could take a B6 and Fish oil supplement, supposedly they do wonders for DP.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

I take 6 Omega3 fish oil capsules every day - you are absolutely right - they have been extremely helpful.

If nothing else, they elevate your mood a bit - allowing the process of getting better to be a little easier. Even if you don't experience mood elevation its worth trying because Omega3 is extremely beneficial to your health in many ways and has no side effects.

Thanks for the reply  - it is certainly nice to be getting back into life! I feel happy again - things are really coming together.


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## Epiphany (Apr 28, 2006)

A great read!!! I agree with it all wholeheartedly.

Fantastic to hear you are doing better Matt...and thank you for your pm's regarding the narcissitic personality traits. You helped put things in perspective for me and alleviated a lot of my concerns.

Take care.


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## Xu (May 6, 2006)

That IS a good metaphor.

I started taking fish oil pills since my mother takes them for Huntington's Disease - I want to be tested for it but everyone urges me not to as it could pose difficulties for me in getting a job and health insurance. I don't really give a damn but it costs money so I haven't been tested yet >_> I started taking the suppliments anyway. I haven't kept up with it well, the pills are so damn huge I can feel them in my throat for ages every time I take one  

I'll be good and start them again, really! *taps fingers together and looks at bottle*


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Just wanted to let everyone know that its been about 5 months since i've had any true form of DP.

I mean - i'm still a worrier by nature, and I hit my roadblocks - but that's just me. & That's what feels so great about it - I am living my life as me again, I am focused on life 95% of the time, and im just living it - instead of focusing inward and trying to walk myself through life while constantly analyzing if everything is normal.

Recovery is not impossible for a single one of you, no matter how 'far gone' you are. Read my advice above - and work hard at it.

Good luck to everyone.


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## Thayli (Sep 25, 2006)

Hey Matt,

i have some additional things to say.

I'm getting CBT since 2 months. That's why i'm also able to go on with my life, but still having some problems.
I will try to summarize some new sights from my therapy.

As you said, distraction is a way to lessen your anxiety and dp. But in my opinion it's a long way. It' like trying to supress your thoughts and anxiety. the main goal is to find out the thoughts that lead to anxiety. I know it seems impossible, because of the big fog in your brain. But the fog is caused by anxiety and your thoughts and doubts.
Objects and people and even the world outside aren't scary innately. Your estimation makes them scary.

And one of the goals in CBT is to disprove this estimations. What i did and many still do are denials. That may work but won't eliminate your scary thoughts, because deep inside you believe them to be true. You have to disprove them, say this or that won't happen BECAUSE....! "I won't disappear, get mad, won't be able to do this, because(!).... It's damn difficult and seems impossible to find disproof and arguments for your thoughts but in my opinion thats the only way to make them entirely disappear.

I just started to change my way of thinking and it may take some time. But i think that distraction may support the fight but won't solve the problem in the long term.
And i also contradict to the widespread statement, that you won't be able to think yourself out.With the right thoughts, you will be able.


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## CECIL (Oct 3, 2004)

Hi Matt,

Its really great to hear about your recovery. It sounds as though you have learned a lot about yourself recently and are taking a very mature view to the DP.

I can't agree more with all of the things you said, because it is the same way I see DP (i.e. Hiding things under the surface) and the way I healed shared a lot of similarities with your experience.

Great stuff


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## chris51 (Mar 21, 2005)

AWESOME POST. I overcame DO because I truly understood it I truly accpeted it. But what it was hiding is what I am having a diffucult time with depression. I am trying to find the cause of the depression but I am finding a roadblock. I am also trying not to over anazlyze IT


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## gecko (Nov 27, 2006)

Holy shit. I completely agree with everything you're saying and think this is an invaluably wonderful post =)

I always feel the NEED to fight it, to obsess on it. If i'm not racing my thoughts i feel like i've been defeated, and go back in.. its all very paradoxical. I found that if i NEED to obsess, obsess not on your symptoms, but on how your life state was that lead you to this. Alot of people blame everything on a bad drug experience, or a bad trip, and although these can be triggers, it tends to be a deeper anxiety.

A way that im recovering is to recognize that there is no such thing as DR/DP. All it really is is an unnatural obsession with reality, hypervigilance to the greatest degree, and an OCD like obsession with things. It really is just a product of questioning things which honestly don't need to be questioned. Drugs can start these nasty loops, as mushrooms did with me, then your anxiety loves that excuse to just keep going and going.. its a very strange reaction of the human psyche.

Just my 2 cents, and nice post matey.

Another thing to keep in mind is that forums and the internet CAN become an obsession. The paradox is that these forums can help, but really don't overdo it. It just feeds the obsession. I believe that if the internet didn't exist in the first week i had this, and i didnt freak out about random shit i found on online DSMs like schizophrenia, then this wouldnt have really hapepned..


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## chris51 (Mar 21, 2005)

gecko said:


> Holy shit. I completely agree with everything you're saying and think this is an invaluably wonderful post =)
> 
> I always feel the NEED to fight it, to obsess on it. If i'm not racing my thoughts i feel like i've been defeated, and go back in.. its all very paradoxical. I found that if i NEED to obsess, obsess not on your symptoms, but on how your life state was that lead you to this. Alot of people blame everything on a bad drug experience, or a bad trip, and although these can be triggers, it tends to be a deeper anxiety.
> 
> ...


Holy shit right back, Dam.....you are right. key right there is stop questionging things that don't need to be questioned. It JUST IS!!! I als o agree if it wsn't for the internet I wouldn;t have ran to 6 different therapist thining I hadeverything from Bipolar disorder to Schizophrenia!!!

GREAT POST


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

Great post. Your friend wouldn't by any chance be Janine now would it? I have her book. Smart chick even though she is a little narcissistic. :wink: Inside joke from us longtimers on the board. Anyway, I'm very glad you're doing well, and I agree with everything you said. And I will be back to refer to this post when I feel like crap. Which is now. Take care.


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## Matt210 (Aug 15, 2004)

Why yes, actually haha that would be my friend. A great help to me throughout this whole thing.

Gecko - Yes, you are certainly 'getting it'. We are so convinced we have some sort of awful mental illness that we lose sight of the fact that our mental illness IS this fear, and IS this questioning and obsessing we are doing.

We are constantly feeding the fire. SO many people have trouble believing this because they are convinced that they had these feelings before they got anxious, and before they started thinking about it. It's entirely possible for it to have happened in that order because the mind is the most complex thing in existence.

But we have to remember that DP/DR is nothing without fear and obsession. We don't ACTUALLY see or feel things any differently then we did before. It just feels as if we do because our fear convinces us of it.

When in a constant DP/DR state there is always some part of our attention that is turned inwards, monitoring every feeling and every thought wondering if its normal. Only when we fully focus outwards (which involves a hell of a lot more than it sounds like) can we really start living again rather than concentrating on each little move.

All of you are FINE, in the way that any normal person is fine. We all have our vices - many of us suffer anxiety, depressions, OCDs, etc. but there is nothing wrong with your brain, and there is nothing specifically stopping you from living like a normal person but your own thoughts.


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