# My Story - Talk to me!



## Anthonyvigz (Oct 25, 2012)

Hey guys, I'm new here, my name is Anthony. I'm 20 years old from Boston, MA, currently attending college and I absolutely loved my life. In other words, I took it for granted. And then, hell.

I smoked marijuana occasionally, had a few pot brownies before. I was not a heavy user and I never ever had a problem when I smoked. Unfortunately, my entire world flipped upside down in just one night when, even I after I decided to quit using marijuana, I had a brownie anyway, sort of like it was fate.

I felt the effects in the first 5 minutes, which is unusual for ingesting so I immediately knew it was very potent. I was having no problems at all for about an hour, but I definitely felt my self getting higher much faster than I ever have before. But, I was fine and I was enjoying it.

Something startled me, something caused me to go into this form of panic, even as I continued to get higher. I felt my heart pounding INSANELY fast, I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I felt like I was leaving my body, I was losing literally all control of myself. This was by far the worst experience of my life and I later diagnosed this to be a severe panic attack while very high on marijuana. And honestly, what I experienced that night, I would not wish on any person to ever exist.

It got to the point where I thought I was going to die 100%. I had completely convinced myself that I was going to die because I was losing all control. Suddenly, things around me started to lose sensibility. It was like everything wasn't real anymore. This scared the living shit out of me and all I could tell my friends was "You have to calm me down: Is this real?: Am I going to be okay?" I now realize this was my brain 'protecting itself,' but in all reality, we know this is no protection.

This lasted an hour, the derealization was so heavy I had no idea what to do. I drank about 7 bottles of water, took a cold shower, and tried to eat. I thought it was just the effects of being REALLY high that was messing with me. I was anxious for hours, still feeling high, and very derealized. There was no way in hell I could have slept so I called my mom. I was in my dorm room when this happened and I decided I had to go home and get some sleep, I wanted the feeling to go away.

I was scared to fall asleep because I thought I was going to die if I did, so I made my mom watch me fall asleep to make sure I was safe. I woke up the next morning and my first instinct was to say "Wow, what the hell was that!" But, as I looked around the room, I found that the sensation of derealization hadn't gone away. It seemed like NOTHING made sense, my brain was analyzing everything and I constantly asked myself "How does that make sense?" It was the scariest feeling, everything was so different and so wrong. But, having no knowledge of DP/DR even existing. It was as if I found out something about existence that no one ever knew before, and that I would never be able to lose those thoughts. There was no way in hell I could live like that so I convinced myself that was one hell of a brownie and it was still affecting me.

I rode my bike around my neighborhood constantly, just sweating it out, and I'd find myself at times laughing at how crazy the experience was and how I was snapping back into reality. But, they would be short-lived. My friends and family were there for me, but they didn't understand the severity of what I was going through, they thought the brownie was still affecting me after a few days.

For about a week, I could not sleep, and if I did I had nightmares. Sleep deprivation was definitely there but it was not concerning me. EVERYTHING around me wasn't the same. I was with my mom constantly because I felt I couldn't be alone, constantly on edge. I became obsessed with the fact that I had derealization/depersonalization after struggling to find out what I was going through online. I self-diagnosed it.

My parents told me medicine was out of the question because they believed what I had was going to be short-lived. I didn't even call a doctor.

My mom owns a spirituality 'business.'It teaches people about the 'divine' and how to claim your life, claim your power, and be a better person. Essentially, fill yourself with love. My mom viewed this as a struggle I was 'meant' to go through to finally understand what she was teaching. I found this extremely coincidental and strange. Before taking the medical route, she believed that this was a good thing for me and tried to teach me about how my soul is above-all. As you could understand, in this state, this was extremely overwhelming and scary for me especially coming directly out of a normal young adult life. She simply didn't understand how I was so freaked out.

I would wake up in the middle of the night freaking out. Nothing around me made sense, it got to the point where I wanted to kill myself just to escape the thoughts. It was like I was cursed and it was so unfair to me I just wanted to die. But, in turn, afraid of death. A completely trapped feeling I would never be able to explain to anyone. I would go out, ride my bike, look at the sky, houses, people, and just ask myself "WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Nothing was the same and I couldn't control it, I could never have imagined anything like this happening in my entire life.

It got worse and worse and I finally called the doctor, they told me to go to the emergency room to get analyzed. They put me in a suicide watch room and I felt myself slipping away in there, it was never so bad as it was in that room. I thought I was going to lose myself completely and just die. My mom was with me the entire time and when I looked over to her, it's like I didn't even recognize her. And THAT, was that saddest thing I ever experienced. They took my blood, completely clean and then they gave me Ativan. It was a miracle, I felt like I had almost completely turned back to normal. I talked to a counselor there who really was no help at all simply because I knew should couldn't understand. I ate, laughed, and I went home with my mom, slept in my own bed like a baby.

I woke up the next morning still feeling a little weird, but feeling as if I could definitely get through it and it was finally going away. I went back to school and tried to gather myself. It was SO hard for me to fight through the weird and horrible sensations, but I was convinced I was going to get through it. I didn't want to take the Ativan either, I didn't want to get hooked on anything. Things were never really 100% right, but I could feel myself live.

After a week of school, I felt myself snapping back into reality in a sense. But, still on edge. It came to the point where it was time to go home again and I felt nervous, like the sensations would come back heavily if I went home because that's where I had them the most. I went home, and they did come back, but not heavily, I tried to fight it. I pushed myself to hangout with my friends, I forced myself to film a few short comedy videos, and I was doing okay. Until, the next day, I suddenly had this burst of 'awareness,' like, how I could suddenly _see_ with my eyes. And it was freaking me out. I couldn't control the fact that I was constantly seeing and it was like I wanted to run away from myself. I think this was the first time I experienced heavy depersonalization.

It was so discouraging and so hopeless for me. Only 20 years old and I was stuck with this horrible thing, I just wanted to die so bad. As most of you can probably relate to, I was on the internet constantly looking for answers, because I knew no one around me could understand.

The self-awareness escalated so bad to the point where I found myself in a psychiatric hospital. I was diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. They put me on Risperidone and Ativan and it was like I was turning into a robot. I felt so alone and so trapped in that hospital I felt like it was making it worse. My parents visited every visiting hour they could and it was just the saddest thing for me, I felt like my life was ruined. I couldn't let that happen so the first step was getting the hell out of that hospital. As soon as I could, I convinced myself that the Risperidone saved me and I was better and I told the same thing to the doctor. I was released from the hospital and continued the Risperidone at home. It was the worst feeling, but I was also convinced that I would be better if I went off of the Risperidone, so I stopped it cold turkey after about 10 days.

I woke up the next morning feeling 90% myself, and I thought, 'Holy shit, this is it, I'm almost out of it!" (I might also add that my mom gave me a Reiki Attunement earlier that week and it made me feel a lot better for a short amount of time). I went back to school, drove myself, and watched football with my roommates. I felt a little weird but I figured this was finally passing. I'm also going to add that I had about half of a beer and I felt REALLY weird for some reason, assuming anxiety, so I immediately stopped.

The feelings started to escalate again every day. Going to class was hell. Things were just not right! And my thoughts started to go crazy. I feel as thought since I stopped the medicine my brain was let loose and just unleashed these insane thoughts that made me feel even more disconnected. This led to a panic attack where I felt like my whole body was tingling, and this rush of losing myself happened in a matter of a few moments. It's the scariest feeling, and it was almost the same feeling I had the first night it happened. Nothing around me made sense and it was to the point that I WANTED to die, but I know I really didn't. I called my mom to help me through it, and I feel bad for her, for putting her through this, because she doesn't really understand. She thinks I can control my thoughts and stop the fear, but you really can't when it's everywhere you turn! I took two 0.5mg of Ativan, and a melatonin, and I texted my dad until I fell asleep, tingling sensations like I was leaving my body were never so strong. I feel as though the Ativan made it worse in a sense, but at least it calmed me down I think, I don't know.

I woke up feeling the same, extremely disconnected and have felt that way since.

*Symptoms now:*
Body tingling
Irrational and INSANE thoughts
Hopelessness
Nothing makes sense
Constant shaking
Shortness of breath
Random pains throughout body
DP/DR

I completely took my life for granted and I would give ANYTHING to have it all back. Sometimes, I just can't help but cry and that makes me feel a little better. It's the fucking saddest thing when you experience this and my heart goes out to all of you, I didn't even know it existed. It's the worst thing any living person could ever experience for sure because it just destroys your entire universe inside and out. I am only 20 years old and my DP/DR (at least I think it's this) was induced by marijuana so I'm very confident I'll get through this and live an awesome life! But, in the now, it's a horrible sensation, and when you can't even look at your friends, families, and memories like they are true, it's truly the most horrible thing. I am afraid to take medicine because I don't know if it will make it worse or not, but it's just SO fucking hard to live and I could have never imagined this. I know I'm not alone, and I am completely aware that this is my brain just tearing me apart, but the brain is an amazing thing and it's going to fix itself. I really just need help, need some answers, does what I'm going through sound right? And is medicine maybe the way to go? I don't even know what's going on anymore. That's all I can say.


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## spudgirl (Sep 29, 2012)

Your experience sounds SO similar to mine. I'm 22, so I can really relate to being young and feeling like your life was taken away from you - and that paradoxical feeling of wanting to die because you're afraid of death. I'm still struggling with it, but I've gotten a lot better and I trust you will too. After being on Lexapro for 2 months, I no longer have any physical anxiety symptoms (body tingling, numbness, shaking), and my DP/DR has decreased significantly. I don't remember the last time I had a genuine panic attack. I still have existential/philosophical thought loops that leave me feeling very disconnected from the world, but the medication has allowed me to keep busy and concentrate on other things in my life.

Pot brownies, man. Bad times.


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## Anthonyvigz (Oct 25, 2012)

So you do you think the Lexapro would be beneficial to me? I'm really concerned about taking medicine.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

i would just stick with benzos as needed seriously its so much better alot of ssris are literally poision. Best meds workout often and hard and take benzos as needed they are addictvie tho so try not taking them every day fro a long period of time.


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## Anthonyvigz (Oct 25, 2012)

I heard that benzos could be a bad idea, is that true?


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## Guest (Oct 25, 2012)

Bloody hell. I am amazed how you got through all that, that's awesome and shows how strong you are.

About the benzos, I've taken them for 6 years + (valium) but there are certain things I have always done to make sure I NEVER get addicted:
I take 5mg, a low dose, when I am having a bad panic attack. I halve one for severe anxiety. I can go through a 30 pill packet in a year, making sure I only take them when I am desperate... So basically the lowest dose that I took when I first started them still gives me the same effect as it did back then, I'm not addicted, and because I have used them in this way, they haven't harmed me. They have literally been a lifesaver, and I've gone from the point of needing them on me everywhere I went, to forgetting where they are in the house or even if I have any left!

So yeah, they do their job well as long as they are taken in the right way.


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## spudgirl (Sep 29, 2012)

Medicine was beneficial to me, but everyone is different, and it certainly hasn't cured me, it's just made things a little easier to cope with. I can understand your fear of taking psychiatric medication, I have that fear too. Celexa and Lexapro are very well tolerated as far as SSRIs go and I haven't had any bad side effects. Like I said, though, you have to change your thought process yourself - a pill isn't going to do that for you.

Benzos are highly addictive and you can go through terrible withdrawal symptoms if you stop them cold turkey. That being said, I take Xanax as needed, which right now is about .25mg each night before I go to bed. When I had DP the worst I was taking a lot more than that. They're not a good idea to take long term but if I didn't have them I honestly don't think I'd be alive today - the panic attacks were that bad.

You need to talk to a psychiatrist to make the best decision. I was very discouraged when my old doctor didn't "get" what I was going through, but there are good ones out there.


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## Anthonyvigz (Oct 25, 2012)

I have some appointments with psychotherapists, but it's just so hard to live when nothing makes sense! I need some sort of relief, and I know I'm going to get out of this


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## spudgirl (Sep 29, 2012)

I always tell myself that just because it doesn't make sense _to me_, doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense.

How long has this been going on for you?


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## Anthonyvigz (Oct 25, 2012)

It has been about a month and a half, it was September 14.


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## Guest (Oct 25, 2012)

The emergency room and much of your scenario is fairly familiar and typical. I too confirmed with an ER originally by doing EKG and suggestions were to be prescribed Ativan. These are all symptoms of a panic attack/anxiety attack. Then the feelings of unreality are often accompanying side effects.

This all goes away or becomes tolerable by learning techniques to alleviate these symptoms, as well as the right supplements for you as needed. Follow your doctor's instructions and try a few routes of medication if necessary. As far as right or wrong medications, it is all based on an individual's tolerance, needs, and medical history, so you should consult with the proper medical facility. Sometimes your local county may offer a free clinic for medical advice if anything is troubling you.

As far as having a mother that is a spiritual teacher, that is a fantastic start. She can be there to help support you in that sense.


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## katiej (Jan 21, 2012)

anythony.. ur story sounda alot like mine... except the drug induced part.... either way it happend it doesnt matter.. we both got scared.... i feel like nothing makes sense either... i dunno how i am here.. and what life is.. and i feel trapped in it... i totally relate to the seeing out of eyes thing. its torture.. and it feels so weird and feels like a curse to be human. we are way to aware of ourselves to the point that nothing makes sense anymore.... like staring at a word for long enough till it looks like messed up.... 
what kind of existential thoughts do u people have.?.. i cant even explain mine... its like i cant believe i am here and that anything exists at all...


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## Tony UK (Oct 31, 2012)

Hello Anthony,

I just signed up trying to get some answers on how to solve DP myself so don't have any input on your situation. I read your story to get an idea of what other people have wrote - my symptoms are nothing like what you have experienced. You are so very strong to have got through this like you have, and to have written about it in such depth and so honestly. I hope you can find the support you need to start feeling better and enjoy the rest of your life,


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## Khaleb24 (Nov 1, 2012)

Hey man im 18 and your story relates to mine a lot and I just want to tell you that it gets A LOT BETTER. I started experiencing DP the first time I got high. I had no idea what was happening and all my friends were freaking out. I tried to kill both of my friends by punching them and chasing them out of my friends apartment. Long story short I ended up on the side of the road, naked, and screaming my brains out. I tried to kill myself by running at a moving car and I was on the brink of death but the doctors thankfully revived me. I thought those DP thoughts were over but about a month later I freaked out at my parents and they were extremely worried. I'm not saying that the thoughts haven't completely gone away but I feel a lot better because I talked out my feelings to someone I can trust. When you have someone you can count on to talk to the thoughts go away. I'm a Christian so I relied on God a lot and His Scripture was extremely helpful. I experienced all of your physical symptoms you have experienced and I just want to tell you that you need to get a person to talk to. I didn't use any drugs to try to escape these thoughts. I just used other people and my religion. I'm praying for you man.


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