# I don't know what to do anymore



## thistooshallpass (Jul 27, 2015)

I don't think anyone is going to read this but I literally have no idea where else to talk or even begin to explain how I have been feeling. This past week has been hell. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to even think anymore and I am really just giving up in every aspect. Growing up I had daddy issues. My mom was my main parent and support system. Lots of screaming all the time. In middle school I was bullied. From this I started lying to people and making myself into a person that people would want to be with and spend time with. Throughout highschool I had a lot of friends and I always felt like I had to put on a different mask on for each person. Lots of stupid lies, lots of stupid emotion. I went to college and surprisingly I am doing really well. I'm in a very stressful program. From a young age I had weird obsessions (the whole spectrum). My worst bout of ocd was last summer when I had horrific intrusive thoughts that were violent. I am not a violent person so these thoughts destroyed me. My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me and was cheating on me and ended up having a baby with the girl. A month ago I had carbon monoxide poisoning. My doctor put me on a steroid pack for migraines and ever since that day I had dizzy spells all month; or so I thought. A week ago I took a meloxicam (pain killer) and I had the worst panic attack of my life. Full blow depersonalization and derealization. I ended up in the er and they just said I had a bad panic attack. 2 days later, I went back to the er. I felt completely psychotic. Like I had lost all touch with my surroundings and it was overwhelming me. I was having horrific intrusive thoughts too so that mixed with the depersonalization was too much. I called the suicide hotline and they told me to go in. I went and nothing happened. The doctors just said I have bad anxiety and that this feeling is just another obsession. I'll never go back to the hospital because the lights and the people that were there were truly terrifying. Today, I had a follow up with my doctor and he told me that this feeling of derealization is completely temporary and I'll be back to normal soon. For a slight while I felt better then when I got home I was completely numb. This terrified me. Atleast before I had emotion. I had some feeling. Now it is nothing. Just a black hole with nothing. No story, no feelings, no working brain apparently. I'm scared to even be around people right now because I don't even know anything anymore. I get some relief from driving and just smoking and listening to music. I don't even know if I have derealization anymore or if this is just horrific depression. I don't even fight it anymore I literally have just accepted that my life is over. I've read so much online and there are so many people who say they never get better and it is permanent and if this is my life, I don't want to do this. This isn't a life. This is hell. Worse than hell. You can see everyone around you enjoying this world and you are nothing but a spectator. I used to have friends, love, college. I had it all and now I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I made an appointment with a therapist in two days but honestly what's the point because that's just more money down the drain. I've already caused my family so much annoyance I just don't think I can do this anymore. While I was driving tonight I called the hotline again and they told me to call poison control. I am so afraid that this is going to turn into schizophrenia/psychosis. Derealization is a symptom of both and honestly I don't even know what can happen to me anymore. I have not had any hallucinations or delusions. The depersonalization has stopped but I just don't think that this is worth it anymore to me. I have never felt this alone and honestly I don't think anyone has it as bad as I do right now. I'm sorry for writing so much and for annoying with everything I just need to release this somewhere. Im sorry.


----------



## Guest (Aug 1, 2015)

Firstly don't ever apologize for writing a post, even though you might not see it as much, our goal here to help others still stands, so this is a safe place to let everything you're thinking out.

Honestly it sounds a lot like severe depression, the part where you said you've just given up I can absolutely relate with. I have given up before, but I only let it be temporary. You have to keep forging through, believe it or not things will get better.

What type of major are you in right now? Being summer right now could be making things worse, you don't have nearly as many things to focus your time on.

I think seeing a therapist is a GREAT start. Talk therapy isn't discussed on this site very much but i'm an absolute huge advocate for it, it can do wonders if you find the right person and really open up.

Please keep us posted, don't give up.


----------



## Omnismorss (Jun 28, 2015)

The "masks" you talked about everyone EVERYONE used in life, its hard to find a person who accept you the way YOU know you are i have luck i have a family around, and they let me be who i AM i have 2 good friends who understand who i AM and what im passing through, believe this toughs everyone here had one time of their lifes about your boyfriend, well i know you are a wonderful person And he do not deserve you find someone who you can be yourself and relax, it will pass, go to the chat when you start to feel bad.


----------



## eddy1886 (Oct 11, 2012)

thistooshallpass i can identify with most of your story...the masks, the shouting, the depression, thinking your schizophrenic, the bullying etc etc etc...ive been through it all just like you...and ive been through the dark place where you are various times in my life...

I will tell you this..it doesnt last...it will improve..you may need the help of some medicine if you feel like you totally cant cope...i have found medicine to be very beneficial with depression and DP...it may not cure you but it will help you cope....

the other thing i would say is DONT suffer in silence..tell people how your feeling...this condition can be very isolating so you need to talk to people about whats going on...you need support and to feel like someone has your back....

dont ever be afraid to tell people how you are feeling....

i wish you well and hang in there....i promise it will improve with the right help...god bless!


----------

