# please help me !!!!!



## jensen1010 (Mar 31, 2016)

Hello fellow dpers. Well I always wanted to be a part of a community! Kidding of course. Well I'm obviously here because I believe I have depersonalization. I am , like most of you , suffering day in day out with out any ounce of relief. I have convinced myself that I am a no hope case of dp. I have convinced myself that this horrible feeling will go away.

Anyways ide like to get my story out there in hopes that someone shares the same symptoms. All I do is research depersonalization. I have actually developed a compulsive behavior in regards to depersonalization research, and am incredibly aware of that. I'm aure most of us have . Reading success stories is the only thing that gives me any sort of hope.

So my story. I've always had a bit of underlying depression and anxiety, for I hate my job, and live a life full of regret. About a month ago I was involved in a relationship that just wasn't working. Ultimately I ended things while vacationing in punta cana. Alot of heavy drinking was involved to be honest. Upon ending things I had a major panic attack. The dehydration and stress from the relationship was the trigger . I thought I was having a heart attack. To my knowledge that was my first ever panic attack. Upon arriving home from vacation I started to feel myself disconnect . I had a complete mental break down. It was so bad I was having sucidal thoughts. I was convinced I was loosing my mind, ergo I checked myself into impatient care at South oaks psychartric. I couldn't believe my life had come to this precipice. I am someone that loves life and would never have a sucidal ideation . While inpatient care I was put on respidol, clonazepam, and 150 MG of zoloft. I was discharged 5 days later. I have made literally no improvement . My symptoms are as follows. I feel like I have no idenity , I literally don't know who I am anymore, I feel like im drifting into oblivion . I feel as if I don't fight this I am going to loose everything that was once me. I barely remember that person. I feel so disconnected, I don't recognize myself in the mirror. My thoughts dont feel like my own. They sounds like wispers. Incredibly distant. The only only emotion I am experiencing is fear. All I do is obsess over my symptoms. Even when I'm distracted I can not take my mind off my symptoms. My very own thoughts trigger panic, because they don't feel like my thoughts. Reading I read is typically utilized as a distraction, however it triggers terror for me , because thr very words flowing through my head are strange and foreign to me. I can not find joy in anything.

I read that alot of people feel like they are disconnected from their bodies, my symptoms seem way worse . I literally have no clue who I am anymore. Like the soul has been sucked from my body. Sometimes I feel like im Turing into a different person " an evil person " like I've been possessed. I'm the most passive aggressive gentile soul. I have read on numerous occasions that distraction is key, that trying to forget about it must be utilized in order to forget about dp. I am finding this almost impossible. I am in therapy , and seeing a leading psychartric dr who actually specializes in dp. She actually wrote a book. But nothing is helping. The meds do nothing , absolutely nothing for me. Is this disorder actually caused by anxiety??? I'm finding that hard to believe . I'm also convincing myself that I have always had this disorder, because before all this happened I would sometimes stare in the mirror and get a huge jolt of reality , and realize oh shit that's me. Not sure if that normal.but it never bothered me.

I was happy and living . Now I'm a dead scared 31 year old man , who had to move back in with his parents, because he can't be left alone to his own thoughts. My mind used to be a great place to escape. Now I'm terrified to be alone with my own thoughts. I am suffering beyond belief. I can not live like this much longer. I do not want to die, but I also don't want to suffer. I would never take my own life, but im starting to envy older individuals because they don't have much longer on this earth. Makes me very said to say that. I feel soo alone, I feel as if im the worst case of dp ever. Can anyone please give me a small glimer of hope , has anyone recovered from symptoms this severe . Any coping skills I can utilize ? I'm in the new York area. Ide love to meet a fellow depersonilzed person. Maybe an attractive 30 year old women lol!.. please please please help me.


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## mezona (Sep 4, 2015)

Very similiar story to mine. Well, kind of. How was your sleep at the beginning of all this? Did you take any anti-depressants before this? When did it start for you?


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## thy (Oct 7, 2015)

I felt just the same as you at the beginning. The fear of the symptoms fades after a while and the symptoms themselves do also fade slightly, though the core weird feelings are still there for me.


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## jensen1010 (Mar 31, 2016)

Mezona. At first I felt like I was stuck in hell. I literally thought I died and went to hell. It all started with a panic attack, from a break up with my girlfriend, and a very long vacation of non stop drinking. I was never on any antidepressants, never really had any issues other then a little depression , and some anxiety . All manageable. I didn't sleep well at the beginning . I actually kept getting sleep paralysis for the first week. I had a complete mental break down at the beginning . It was terrible


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## jensen1010 (Mar 31, 2016)

All the other symptoms don't bother me. It's the lifeless, no soul, nor knowing who I am, feeling detached from my personality symptoms that bother me the most . Honestly I can care less about recognizing myself on the mirror or feeling attached to my body. To me those symptoms seem mild


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## jensen1010 (Mar 31, 2016)

Thank you space monkey. Honestly after all the research I have done , even after read the book over comming depersonalization disorder, I haven't put in an ounce of effort to start to heal. Thank you for making me realize that


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## JayB (Apr 6, 2015)

Jensen my symptoms are sooo similar to you. I'm scared of my thoughts (i dont mean negative thoughts, but the act of thinking itself), and I feel like i'm not the one thinking. I'm even doubting if I had an inner voice before. The hole concept of having private pictures and words flowing inside my head is weird as fuck to me. Last night I had to stop a panic attack because I was way too conscious of my own self-talk...that's so retarded. It feels like I've discovered a new level of metacognition that I can't shake or like my brain convinced itself that thinking is strange and unnatural. You are not alone, that's all I can say.


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## Blueyellowred23 (Apr 1, 2016)

I can relate to what you are feeling. I still get freaked out about my thoughts. Some days it's like my thoughts won't stop rushing in and out its horrible. I've given up trying to control them. I feel weird all the time and I can't describe it and that's what makes it so scary. No one around me understands.

Lately it's like I can't convince myself that this is real life and that I'm really here and that is really tough. I feel like why be positive and go on if I'm not even here. It's really frustrating because I know I'm here but it just doesn't feel like it.

The other hard part is feeling so distant from everyone. I look at my son and my fiancé and it's like who are these people? I hate it so much.

We just need to stay positive and believe that we will get out of this


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## Healerblue (Apr 3, 2016)

Wow, sounds very much like what I experienced for a good 2 years, I definitely know where you are coming from and have been that dp'ed dr'ed.. Eventually I got used to it perse or just learnt how to be depersonalized without it causing me anxiety or obstructing my life and pleasures.
It has been a while now and I rarely even think about it although it's always there just hard for me to notice it. That should give you hope considering I could not get it off my mind 24/7 and now it hardly crosses my mind.. Although I would not say I am cured, I just know how to 'block it out'.

Most likely people probz don't give a flying horse about your suffering with this and are not educated making the pain of it so much more unbearable and lonely, also the reason why you always 'research' the disorder as I did.. To look for human connection, acceptance and repeatability..

I can only speak for myself and others who agree, take that in mind. What helped me was staying away from most people because, in my opinion, people are just bloody confusing, one minute they're cool and tolerable, the next they hate you are criticizing you etc. Dunno if it's the dp/Dr but I find human emotions confusing as hell.

No matter what you are experiencing, you can count on it that there are many other people experiencing the EXACT same thing, which can sometimes be surprising how similar their life experience is. People just don't speak up about these things or are too insecure to voice out what's going on inside. No judgement on insecurity because I'm not always confident but you get what I mean.

Speak up and you'll be pleasantly surprised by like-minded fellow earthlings.
Also with the vast amount of knowledge about life on earth right now, I think it is quite normal to feel f**ked 24/7.. Our environment is not cunducive to a happy, fulfilling state of mind.. If you are interested in what I have to offer as solutions to living in a world with an anti-happy pro-stress society.. Get back to me or email me. [email protected] I'll heal you of something you never even knew you were suffering from. Peace and love.

As always.. This is Healer blue.
I love you.


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