# I cut myself. [TW]



## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

I cut myself an hour ago because of a depressive mood swing; they're on my upper thigh and on my shoulder. I didn't and I'm still not feeling real. My arm hurts and feels a bit numb and thanks to DPDR, it doesn't feel attached to me and I'm scared that it will need to be amputated though the cuts are shallow. I feel so weird.


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## Alan (Jan 26, 2015)

I'm sorry you're feeling this way; is there something specific which is bothering you that you need to talk about?

Are you seeing anyone professionally at the moment? I can't say self harm is something I understand particularly well, but I know for some people it can can arise out of frustration, lack of understanding or just simply signifying that you need help.


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

I just feel very lonely and I feel like I'm in my thoughts too much. I don't really talk about my feelings with my online/real life friends because I don't want to bother them. Nowadays I'm really prone to anger at small things but I keep it inside. The reason why I hurt myself is because I just felt the need to do it.

I see a music therapist (which I decided not to see today), a RN for my medicine, and a therapist that's supposed to help me improve my relationship with my mother since my parents have divorced.


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## Alan (Jan 26, 2015)

I understand - I'm much the same, I don't share or express myself as much as I perhaps should. I think this probably comes with the territory for people with dissociative or anxiety related problems. It's not just that we're reluctant to share with others, we compartmentalise and seperate our feelings away from ourselves - hardly surprising that we find it difficult to share with others.

That said, I think discussing these things with your friends and/or therapists would be beneficial for you - I get that you feel you don't want to burden your friends, but I'm sure if they care about you they'd want to listen to you. Personally I would say part of friendship is being there during the hard times as well as the good times.

Music therapy sounds interesting - does music help you express yourself? I notice you post a lot in the music thread here.

I think everybody needs something like that to allow an outlet, and to become invested in - some people do it with music, some people paint pictures, some people collect Elvis figurines - it doesn't really matter what it is. It's possible to channel negative feelings and frustration into something constructive as opposed to destructive.

Hope you're feeling somewhat better


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## Phantasm (Jul 16, 2017)

Like Alan asked, are you seeing anyone professionally right now? If you're having these thoughts, especially if you're acting on them, you should ask some help, please do. I know it's hard when you feel like your feelings don't matter, but they do.


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## Amethysteyes (Jun 9, 2018)

Hey. I get what you mean with feeling like youd bother friends or family with your issues. When my dp/dr started, i was reluctant to tell everyone, espessially friends what was going on. I was super surprised with the amount of support i recieved. My mom is my rock and everyone trys their best to give me support or advice. You should def reach out to your loved ones, you could be pleasently surprised with the results.
I have never cut myself but i understand why u are doing it. Its hard to feel anything and maybe u think cutting could relieve it but it doesnt make it go away. I cant give you a "quick fix" to your issues but what ive been doing recently to at least relieve symptoms is to remind myself its completely ok to have dp/dr. Its absolutely hell but its there and once you become accquainted with it and realize its just a part of u at the time and that its ok that its there, you can start to feel better. People have completely recovered from this hell, its possible. It feels like an incredibly unique and lonely existence, i know. I say or write down little mantras like "its ok that im feeling this way. Its normal" or "even if i feel alone in this, theres probably someone out there whos worse" and those give me hope and even relieve some symptoms. I have whole logs of these mantras and i feel better after i write them. They are very specific to my own thoughts or feelings and include a way of thinking like "so what?" You should try it, also listening to uplifting or relateable songs helps me at least.


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## dissoziation (Aug 20, 2015)

Alan said:


> I understand - I'm much the same, I don't share or express myself as much as I perhaps should. I think this probably comes with the territory for people with dissociative or anxiety related problems. It's not just that we're reluctant to share with others, we compartmentalise and seperate our feelings away from ourselves - hardly surprising that we find it difficult to share with others.
> 
> That said, I think discussing these things with your friends and/or therapists would be beneficial for you - I get that you feel you don't want to burden your friends, but I'm sure if they care about you they'd want to listen to you. Personally I would say part of friendship is being there during the hard times as well as the good times.
> 
> ...


I'm going to try and talk to my music therapist about it; considering talking to my irl friends about it but I'm still scared for the kind of response that I'll receive from them.

Music therapy is nice. I wish that she had more older clients, but she's a nice lady and we have a good bond despite our differences in music tastes. I know that I have outlets but I don't have any motivation to work with them. I tend to fall into things like binge-eating as a coping mechanism which obviously isn't good, especially with my metabolism being lowered because of the antipsychotic I'm taking. I haven't really been eating much lately other than bingeing on cookies earlier. Probably the healthiest coping mechanisms I have right now are listening to music, writing, and drawing but like I said, I don't have much motivation for actually carrying them out. However, I'm feeling a little better aside from having anxiety.



Phantasm said:


> Like Alan asked, are you seeing anyone professionally right now? If you're having these thoughts, especially if you're acting on them, you should ask some help, please do. I know it's hard when you feel like your feelings don't matter, but they do.


I see a music therapist who doesn't have very many older clients. A lot of them are 10 years or more younger than me and the older ones usually have some form of minor or moderate developmental or physical disability. While I am both physically and developmentally/emotionally disabled, my functioning level makes me feel like I stand out. The other one is helping me improve my relationship with my mom because I never had a good relationship with her and I have to rely on her more now because of my parents splitting. The RN is for my medicine. I used to have a therapist who I was much more open with in 2016-early 2017 who I had to break ties with because the place where she was at didn't support our insurance and the appointment costs were expensive.

Currently trying to think of how to push myself to talk to people but afraid to act.



Amethysteyes said:


> Hey. I get what you mean with feeling like youd bother friends or family with your issues. When my dp/dr started, i was reluctant to tell everyone, espessially friends what was going on. I was super surprised with the amount of support i recieved. My mom is my rock and everyone trys their best to give me support or advice. You should def reach out to your loved ones, you could be pleasently surprised with the results.
> I have never cut myself but i understand why u are doing it. Its hard to feel anything and maybe u think cutting could relieve it but it doesnt make it go away. I cant give you a "quick fix" to your issues but what ive been doing recently to at least relieve symptoms is to remind myself its completely ok to have dp/dr. Its absolutely hell but its there and once you become accquainted with it and realize its just a part of u at the time and that its ok that its there, you can start to feel better. People have completely recovered from this hell, its possible. It feels like an incredibly unique and lonely existence, i know. I say or write down little mantras like "its ok that im feeling this way. Its normal" or "even if i feel alone in this, theres probably someone out there whos worse" and those give me hope and even relieve some symptoms. I have whole logs of these mantras and i feel better after i write them. They are very specific to my own thoughts or feelings and include a way of thinking like "so what?" You should try it, also listening to uplifting or relateable songs helps me at least.


Thank you for this! I'll try and have some of those mechanisms written down somewhere.


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