# My recovery experience



## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've trolled the chat room here but I've been going through a massive bout of re-personalization which has been knocking me around quite a bit.

My first bout with DP was around 8 years ago and was triggered by smoking weed, in retrospect I was quite an anxious person before hand and attribute this to my initial breakdown. Back then there were no resources available, I was only 18 and was too scared to tell anyone about it - even my doctor. I suffered a massive anxiety attack after smoking a ton of weed, I'd been used to having moments of panic after smoking but after forcing myself to sleep I woke up in the morning and the anxiety was still there. I can't remember exactly when, but after being exposed to this level of non-relenting anxiety DP shortly followed.

I was too young to understand what was happening to me, I immediately stopped smoking weed and drinking and went back to school to try and take my mind off it - nothing really worked. Slowly but surely over a period of around 12 months I distracted myself by going out all the time until eventually it became a memory however it left me with a chronic anxiety disorder which would consume the next several years of my life. During my first bout I was afraid that I was dying, I thought I might have cancer or a tumor and analyzed every feeling in my body - this gave me the additional bonus of becoming a full-time hypochondriac.

For years I drank and tried to reason with myself constantly to move in and out of periods of anxiety, literally YEARS. I didn't really consider myself as having DP in this period however over time my entire lifestyle changed to adapt to my anxiety and hypochondria. I developed a fear of sleeping, for 8 years I HAD to go to sleep with the TV or laptop on, I thought I was dying every time I had a hangover to the point where I probably psyched myself into hangovers rather than responded to something physically. I had vertigo when standing in shops and lines, made worse when hungover, and developed intense tinitus in my ears.

Eventually I found out that the symptoms I had created for myself were the same symptoms linked with brain tumors, this was pretty much the beginning of my downward spiral towards my second serious bout of DP. I spent a good 4-5 years convinced I had a brain tumor but too scared to go and find out. I lived a vicious cycle of drinking to mask my anxiety and pretend that I didn't think I was dying, then spend the next few days hungover and anxious until I drank again - all the while I managed to maintain a career which eventually put me as Technical Director of one of Australia's biggest digital agencies, a six figure role which I kept for the final three years of my downfall. I had two children in this period as well and became engaged to my now fiance whom I never told about any of this.

Around 6 months ago I felt that my symptoms were worsening, I was seeing floating lights and smelling phantom smells and not even drinking could mask my anxiety any more. I went on a camping trip where I drank for 3 days, when I came home I would never be the same again. Now I can remember how bad my first bout of DP was, but it was a minor headache compared with what I was about to experience. After I got home I rapidly hit rock bottom, all of a sudden my brain couldnt cope with the anxiety I was under and my personality completely detached within the space of 1-2 hours. I could literally feel it being ripped away from me and then the old familiar feeling of hyper-awareness crept in. The following 2-3 weeks were a living hell, my memory disappeared and I felt like a new personality developed every 5 seconds - any moment could have been my first on earth. I felt that I wasnt in control of my arms or legs, I was afraid to go to the bathroom or to be alone, I could barely walk and spent all my days in bed getting progressively worse as each moment I felt like my brain could just snap.

I suddenly hit absolute rock bottom, I could not possibly get any worse and my biggest fear was that a tumor was literally making my physically degrade and was something I had no control over. The only thing I was more afraid of than dying was the thought that I wouldn't even be able to tell if I died or not. On this day I got life insurance and basically prepared myself for the end. I can't explain what happened next but from somewhere I got the courage to go to the doctor and find out for certain that I was dying, I don't know if you guys can understand how hard this was but I'd spent years of my life petrified of going to the doctor - this was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I went to the doctor the next day, I explained to him my condition and my symptoms (including my knowledge of and experience with DP) and he immediately sent me for brain scans, blood tests and even breath tests. I literally felt like none of these tests were happening to me, the are to this day a complete blur. Sitting in the CT scanner was a petrifying experience, I found myself still reasoning with every little detail of the visit - did the doctors ask anything, why didn't they rescan me as they said they would, is that good or bad? I will touch on this more later, its a very important part of my story. A week later I got the call to get my results, I felt like I was going to my own funeral. Sitting in the doctors waiting room I felt my world was collapsing and I was finally about to find out for real what I had convinced myself to be true for all those years.

After 15 minutes I was called in, I walked to the doctors office and sat in a chair and waiting for what seemed like the longest 3 minutes of my life. What he said next would change my life forever... "Well Mr Sheehan your brain scans are completely normal... And you have some of the best blood results that I've ever seen.". WHAT?! I couldn't believe it, I was convinced to the point where it was a certainty and here I was hearing that I'd been lying to myself for years. That alone made my DP temporarily INSANE - many of you have had this for a short period of time, but imagine if one day you found out that the past 8 years of your life were a complete lie and everything you had integrated into your personality and reality gets turned upside down. This created so many questions that would haunt me for the next few months, how could I have wasted 8 years of my life, how can anyone recover from trauma like this, etc. I had gone on a 60 day fruit and vegetable juice fast a few months before this and had lost nearly 100lb, I was drinking fresh fruit and vegetable juice daily while eating whole grains, fish and vegetables - this really showed in my blood results but again this shows you the pure power of the mind to (even while being perfectly healthy) consider yourself on deaths door.

This moment was the beginning of what could have either been a complete breakdown or the first building block to my recovery - I opted for recovery, I declined psychological help from the doctor and decided that I was first going to use this experience to see what I could make of it. Even finding out this news from the doctor wasn't a quick fix, my DP was worse than ever as now I had my own self-realized stupidity to deal with. The following is the EXACT process I followed to get to the point I'm at now.

1 - Attack the core
The first step I took was to focus on the core problems that created the disorder for me, my anxiety and hypochondria. After all this time being depressed and convinced death was imminent positive thinking seemed absolutely ridiculous. I realized that even if I felt that I was just lying to myself I needed to put my brain on the right track, after all I'd just found out that I'd lied myself IN to thinking I was dying so it was perfectly reasonable to lie myself out of it again - what did I have to lose? I kept reciting the words from the doctor in my head, every time I felt that I was getting stuck in a cycle of negative thought I'd say to myself "your fine, your healthy and your an idiot". After 2 months any thought of hypochondria was completely gone along with anxiety related with it.

2 - Manage your thought patterns
I had been a chronic over thinker, and towards my final bout of DP I lost control of my thoughts completely. What we all suffer from to some extent is what I like to refer to as semi-conscious thought patterns, these are patterns of thought we develop of which we have little to no control over to the point where we actually cant tell the difference between them and reality while we are thinking. To give you an example during my severe depression and hypochondria I'd often find myself about thinking about being in hospital, I'd imagine myself in the bed and then I'd go on to imagine what my family would think, what would happen when eventually I died in hospital and all of a sudden 5 minutes would have passed with me completely stuck in my head and it all FELT real at the time. These would repeat every waking moment of every day, thoughts of depersonalization and being stuck like this forever or at least until I was dead, every time I had to do something or go somewhere I'd immediately imagine doing it with DP and that would in turn ensure I was DP's when I did it - not too healthy.

The only way to take true control over these thought patterns are to first identify them by snapping yourself out of it and not letting yourself get absorbed - this is hard but after a few times you'll really begin to notice how many times a day they occur. Secondly you want to give the thoughts less power, the idea behind CBT is that you reconstruct thoughts in your head to seem less intrusive and distressing - this will be different for everyone but its really as simple as just finding a way of thinking about something that makes sense to you and can make your anxious thoughts more manageable. A good example would be understanding DP, what it is and why you have it. Many people I've spoken to allow themselves to get completely consumed by DP, they have every tool they need to recover but refuse to believe for themselves that what they have ISNT unqiue, that they ARENT special and that they have as much chance of recovering as anyone else. I battle with these thoughts myself but eventually I thought of DP as a defense mechanism, learned how its our bodies way of protecting us from an unknown/unreal enemy and ACCEPTED this as the reality of my situation. Once I eliminated DP itself as a source of my anxiety my recovery really started to kick up a notch.

*Dont let DP become self-persisting, it's very easy for us to focus too much on the symptoms of our disorder rather than on the core causes that once fixed will allow us to begin the healing process. Believe me, once the underlying causes are gone and with the proper behavioural techniques recovery WILL follow.*

3 - Face your fears
Once you've got rid of your underlying causes of anxiety and have begun to get a handle on your thought patterns you can begin to face your fears slowly but surely. At this point I still had a few things that scared the shit out of me, some physical and some mental. One of the major mental things was hyper-awareness, I'd suddenly become petrified at the thought of being alive and being aware and that would in turn trigger more DP to get rid of the anxiety. Rather than run from it, I began to induce the feelings on myself until I was able to think about them without freaking out, eventually I could just tell myself "of course I'm aware, of course I'm alive, what do you expect moron?". I can think about it right now and now give the slightest damn. Some physical things were my fear of sleep and losing control, for years I had battled every night to go to sleep - every time I felt like I was slipping off I would jolt awake in a panic. I worked on relaxing, on not even thinking about it and on reminding myself that I had a clear bill of health - I went on a camping trip where there were no computers, no phones, and managed to fall asleep in my tent without any problems. It might sound silly to some people, but conquering this fear was a big milestone for me.

4 - Rebuild
By this point you should be feeling positive most of the time, and you should be able to actually comprehend a positive existence. When you have chronic DP you really couldn't give a shit about any of the little things around you. During your recovery you will find yourself experiencing things for what seems like the first time, I remember walking outside and actually feeling like I was outside for the first time in god knows how long - the wind on my skin, the sounds of the birds and neighbours. Its during this period that you can really focus on these parts of your life that awaken and start forging a new path for yourself, you have a real chance to get rid of your old baggage and to make changes that I myself know I would never had made or be able to have made had I not got DP again.

I've made a lot of life changes in this period, I quit my six figure job which was driving my anxiety and depression into overdrive working 80+ hours a week on a computer , got a job working from home and starting cycling and exercising and spending more time with my family. I now know that the biggest part of beating DP/DR is not beating the disorder itself, but overcoming sometimes years of engrained mental habits that force us to constantly assess our surroundings and mental state in unhealthy ways. I created every symptom of a brain tumor in my head, literally all of them - I suffered from HPPD, vertigo, headaches, nausea, personality fragmentation, memory loss, depression, literally every DP related symptom you can think of - after all of this I realised that these symptoms were NOT the problem, they were a byproduct of anxiety of which all of us experience at different levels in different ways. Do you know what happened once I stopped paying any attention to my symptoms after following all the steps above? They all went away.

Regardless of what triggered your DP/DR you can all benefit from these steps, remember a trigger is just that - a trigger. It is not something that will make your condition persist, if you got DP as a result of drug use and you still have it a year later it has nothing to do with the drugs you used, they elevated your anxiety levels to a point where the only course of action your mind could take to protect you (from an imaginary threat) was to detach you from reality. This itself is a flawed plan, it's like your body expects you to not consider anything a threat if nothings real however doesn't take into account the anxiety created from actually feeling unreal - here in lies the self-perpetuating cycle of DP.

I'll leave you all with a saying that I often recite to myself:

The only thing wrong with you, is that you still think there's something wrong with you.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

Fantastic recovery post mate, can I ask with your dp did u feel numb minded as if your mind was dead mentally and empty? like nothing was there?


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

I wouldn't label the feeling as empty or dead personally, I felt as if my mind wasn't my own and that my thoughts had run together so quickly that I couldn't tell when I was thinking and when I wasn't. It was like a complete breakdown and overload of mental energy.


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

Although in the period between my bouts of DP I constantly felt empty and dead inside, my dad passed away and I felt as if I had to force myself to cry - I thought at the time it was because I was scarred from my experiences but now I have a feeling that I suffered from a very minor level of DP throughout the whole 8 year period without even knowing.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

Did you mind feel numb and dead like as if something was missing is your mind and dettached and cant connect with your body? Are you 100% recovered?


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

I felt much worse than that, I did feel completely detached from my body and mind - out of sync and one step behind everything I was doing. It's because you are not existing in the moment as you would normally, every thing you do and think of is pushed through a DP "filter" of sorts where you are constantly evaluating yourself as you do everything, because of this nothing you do is absorbed as it normally would be, you don't feel in control of your own body and the longer you do this for the worse it gets.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

Will you read my story please and tell me if it looks like I have Dp or not and give me good advice on how to fix it?

Hello guys I will give a detailed post here so yous can help me as much as possible thanks guys I hope yous can give good answers to help me out and givevgood advice and experiences.
On march the 3rd of this year I was out with a few mates at a local nightclub partying and drinking alcohol such as beer and vodka. Come the end of the night I was pretty drunk and me and a mate decided to go to a house party. My mate decided that we would get a bag of crystal meth between the two of us. This was my first time trying the drug and I was looking to experiment with it to see what it was like. This was the first and last time trying the drug for me. So I snorted half a gram within a few hours and it felt amazing, I felt high and it felt very pleasurable and it was a nice buzz. After the house party I decided to go home and go to sleep after a night of partying. The next day I woke up and ut was an absolute disaster I was coming down off the drug and I felt very anxious, low mood, depressed and sweaty. I was very scared of these feelings and didnt really know what was happening to me I kind if freaked out because I had never experienced anything like this before. The comedown lasted between 4-5 days but ever since the drug comedown I have been feeling dettached from reality, Numb minded mentally, Feeling empty, feel invisible/transparent, feel like a ghost, my head feels like its in the clouds, feel dead, world seems flat, short term memories seem further away, dont feel grounded in the present moment, feeling if nothingness, my mind feels like its in auto-pilot, my mind doesnt seem with it, feel like im a million miles away from reality, feels like something in my mind is blocking me from reality, ive lost my sense of self and identity, feel like a different person, lost my personality, feels like im going through life but not experiencing it, feel like im in a dream, feel soulless, scary thoughts about life, existence and death, dont feel grounded, in fear all the time that this wont go away, lost track of time and day, no interest in life, Questioning life, feel like a part of my brain is dead, Emotionally dettached I can laugh but I dont feel it inside, Fear of going crazy, feel my body is present in reality but my mind is somewhere else, my mind doesnt feel to be ticking correctly, Feel like somethings missing. Thats the best way I can describe how I feel, I feel like this 24/7 for 7 months since experimenting with crystal meth. The crystal meth had no effect on my friend just a small comedown as expected. Over the past 7 months I have had a Ct brain scan and an Eeg test which both came back clear. I also went to a neurologist and he did a few wee tests on me and he told me that he is 99.9% sure that im not brain damaged but he ordered me a Mri scan just for my own peace of mind. I have also been to the doctors and he transferred me to a psychiatrist , the psychiatrist did an assessment on me and ruled any mental illness and said I have no mental illnesses. She put me on an anti-depressant called Vensir Xl 225 mg and I have been on them for 5 months or so. It has only helped with my mood but it has never taken away any if these feelings that im experiencing 24/7 for the past 7 months. I have also been to a psychologist and he said that I have got myself into a cycle of worrying, obbsessing and focusing on these feelings which keeps it alive, he said to get on with life and forget about the drug experience and it all should go away with time but Ive tryed getting on with life but I have made no inprovement. Now I am very scared that im going to be left like this for life. Over the past seven months I have dropped my job, my education course which was drama and feel like ive lost everything in life because these feelings are dominating my life and its so hard to get on with life. I am very scared that I am going to left like this forever and never get a good quality life back because the past 7 months have been terrible. Over the past 7 months my self diagnosis has ranged from psychosis, depersonalization, psychotic depression, brain damage, chemical imbalance, neurological problem, neurotransmitter damage, nerve damage, mental illness, dissociation disorder and many more. My life has been awful over the past seven months I have been crying alot because these feelings wont go away and im scared that this is permanent and I am going to have this for life. I usually sit in the house everyday wondering whats happening to me and Im scared that im going to be like this forever. I am a 21 year old male from Ireland and I would love if this went away so I could get back to the way I was. What do you guys think anyway. Does it look like there is a way out for me or am I going to be like this forever. Fearing brain damage or a chemical damage in my brain. I may also add that I dont feel anxious or depressed. Ive been told its Dp by a psychologist!


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

It sounds like you have DP, I don't want to get into this too far as hundreds of people have said the exact same thing in these forums so I'll give you the short version:

You had an experience with drugs that elevated your anxiety levels, your mind couldn't cope with it and depersonalized you as a means to protect you from additional harm. There are many scientific papers you can read that explain exactly what happens from a neurological point of view, but basically its like a flicking a switch from one mental activity state to another which is only activated normally in fight or flight situations - it just so happens that once flicked its extremely hard to reset.

DP feeds off anxiety, the more anxiety you're exposed to the more your mind will depersonalize to protect you from it, it just so happens that the symptoms of DP itself creates anxiety in addition to your trigger so once you experience it chances are you won't be able to forget about it and it will persist (which it is in your case). DP is a traumatic experience, it's not until you let go and take steps to move forwards without the mental habits you've created that you'll start to get better.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

No problem, When you recover do you feel like your old self again fully connected with a good clear mind?


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

It's been almost 8 years since I've been "normal", so long that I can't really remember what it's like so I can't tell if I feel the same or not. I had to embrace a new personality which was much more frightening when compared to going back to an old personality, but after time and once you start absorbing the world around you and your memory begins to function normally this new personality feels as "normal" as the old one did. I feel my old mental habits disappearing, each time one goes it's like an additional weight off my shoulders - I feel 500% improved over the long period of normality I had while suffering from anxiety and hypochondria, I literally can't remember the last time I felt anything close to as good as I feel now.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

Okay no problem, So your saying the numbness mentally and dead feeling im experiencing is all a part of dp? Also Dp is defo curable and should go away when I make changes?


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

These feelings are all a byproduct of detachment, the more you fixate on them the stronger you make them and the longer you think about them for the more habitual they become. You need to work on the way you interpret your symptoms until you just dont pay any attention to them anymore and don't even realise they are there. As long as you stay away from whatever triggered DP and dont have any other underlying anxiety issues or irrational fears there is no reason you won't recover.


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

Is it normal to have it 24/7 all the time? Im scared cause my mind feels numb, dead, feeling if nothingness , im guessing this is the defence mechanism in my mind protrcting me from it all?


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## Dave1988 (Aug 30, 2012)

Great recovery story and sorry for all the bad stuff you have been trough.. Its damn hard and I admire your strength, keeping a job and all that.. Congratz on the recovery I hope you will enjoy and appriciate everything now 200% more.. Which I believe in.. I see this as a lesson to be tought so when you get 'out' you can enjoy life every day just that bit more than other people can. Dont worry about the 8 years man, you know now how to enjoy every little thing most of the world takes for granted every day.. Just enjoy a breeze of wind while normal people may hate it and dont see the beauty of the world.. Congratz and thanks for the post!


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## lostlivingsoul (Oct 3, 2012)

One thing that I would love to get back is my ability to talk and interact with people like I did before. But I guess I'll have to wait for a full recovery. I realized That it ties to my anxietY levels and my breathing aswell as my thoughts. When I realized those things I had a profound real experience with life. after two years of my dp it sure was a great turning point I felt.


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## lostlivingsoul (Oct 3, 2012)

riokid said:


> Is it normal to have it 24/7 all the time? Im scared cause my mind feels numb, dead, feeling if nothingness , im guessing this is the defence mechanism in my mind protrcting me from it all?


Look this is totaly hard to understand right now. Because your mind is in such a cycle you are, now listen because this is real, thinking in a formula that is causing u to feel the way you are. Now I have made a formula to counter act the one in place that is causing all the overall negative feelings. Become aware of your breathing, at this very moment, It's most likely in a pattern to keep up with your racing thoughts witch will make ur aniexity levels go up, which is why the dp has life. So to stop the cycle start with, and this is hard but completely achieveable find a place where you can relax and breathe deeply simply focus on that the relaxation that breathing is giving you. Once in a relaxed state your dp is gone, yaaaay!, but it doesn't stop there 
U bring it right back once u start to wonder if its there. Now u have to keep your mind with out mental chatter. Keep the chatter away with the breathing. Love how good you feel just breathing and being relaxed. The trick is to nolonger let thoughts be altering ur breathing. It's yourbody yourmind own that shit. My issue was the triggers, witch involved social things. I would be all oh no I gotta say something to this person talking, nothing would come to mind because my focus I now understand was all on how I felt. At those moments just remember the formula. Aanxiety levels are tied to your thoughts which are being regulated by your breathing. It's not a full oh man just snapped back It's more of and understanding of why. Hope I helped


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## riokid (Sep 8, 2012)

No matter what I do whether it is to relax or focus on my breathing or do activities or anything. My mind is always numb, dead, empty, feel dettached, dont feel grounded no matter what I do it is 24/7 all the time. Ive had this 7 months now its terrible I just want it to go away. Is this numbness, deadness and all going to be permanent for me or will it fo away?


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## katieq (Oct 15, 2012)

Love this. It almost made me tear up around the part where you talk about going outside.. I can relate so much, when I go outside I just feel weird. I don't feel anything. I can't wait to get through mine and some out the other side of it, though i'm going a different route than you.


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## Punno (Jun 10, 2012)

Yeah I hear you, it felt like no matter where I was or what I was doing I was always in this tiny bubble inside my head - completely numb and oblivious to everything and everyone around me. once your mind quietens down and the thoughts stop circulating around your head and taking up all your energy these little feelings come back again. Remember there's only so much your brain can take in at once, DP is like a filter that you experience life through - everything is questioned, you're constantly evaluating your surroundings which is precisely why you don't absorb things as you normally would.


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## Jpa (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi there, I loved reading your article and was hoping you could give me some advice. I had severe dp after giving birth. They thought it was postpartum depression but it was from severe anxiety. I read online to go on with my daily routine and it would go away. I was so detached and my mind was going crazy for 5 months. All the horrible thoughts about life were awful. About six weeks ago I felt myself come out of the detachment. It was like a relief but I felt like I had no clue who I was. Like I forgot how I used to be. I felt more connected to my family and more like my mind during the whole dp phase. As I felt myself come out of the detachment phase I was so scared because I just feel like a body. I read that you forgot what normal was and had to create a new personality. How did you do that and how were you able to get excited about life again after all the horrible thoughts. Any suggestions would be great because I am really struggling. Thx!


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## trina (Nov 29, 2012)

How can I get past the blank mind? And did you get all your emotions back?


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## Jamie780 (Nov 12, 2012)

RIOKID
_The exact same thing happened to me and is what triggered my DP except I didnt do crystal meth , I did cocaine.. I think it happens because our nervous system is overloaded with anxiety before our drug use that the stimulant in cocaine or meth overloads our system so much it protects us by going into DP mode. It really sucks , but the only way I can cope is by ignoring it which is hard because of the blurry/strange vision . Ive had it for 5 months now... Hoping it goes away soon best of luck meessage me if you'd like_


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## AussiePheonix (Dec 5, 2012)

Great detailed account of your DP story mate.


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## peanut butter (Nov 9, 2012)

What is "normal" ?


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