# new and pretty desperate



## Inki (Dec 3, 2006)

Hi,

I'm new to this forum...

Only a few weeks ago I was given a term for what I have been experiencing for so many years. I cannot remember when I felt myself, I do not know who I am or where to go from here. But at least I'm not making it up.

Let me tell you what I feel and see whether I have come to the correct place...

Many years now I feel incapable of concentrating, I cannot read anymore whereas I read much as a child. I read a sentence and can start all over again because it doesn't seem to 'enter' my conciousness. More and more I started to be incapable to listening to people when in conversation with them. My ex complained about this, that I seemed to be absent. But that is how I feel. I was unable to look at myself in the mirror too. Now I don't 'see' me in it. I see a person and do not recognise her as me. I walk down the street and feel invisible and like I am watching tv. But without becoming conscious of what I am seeing. I do not enjoy anything, sun, warmth, cold, food, company etcetc.

I thought it would get better through therapy. years I was in psycho therapy and though that helped resolve a few things, this never got better.

A few weeks ago I god a cat, for the first time a living being to take care off. I saw her walking, breathing, cuddling but I do not feel it. This is when I started asking on another site and someone said: have a look at derealisation. A world opened. I was seeing a person who gives massages and talks. She invited me to a sort of 'integration' weekend workshop. I ended up in a corner of the room, crying, completely incapable of focussing on the meditation, feeling, listening. I ended up leaving and being very disappointed in myself and have gone down since.

Everytime something difficult happens, I seem to retreat into this hole. Life passes by but I do not partake in it.

Now I have found this site. What advice can you give me? HOw do I get better? I cannot live with this any more. How do you find help? and how do I let help in? How to I realise it? People give me stuff to read but I just don't take it in.

Thanks a lot
Inki


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

Hi. 
I wish I could tell you some magic cure but I can't.

There are some things that might help, exercise etc.
look around the forums here and you'll see lots of theories and suggestions.

I just got a cat too. well 2 kittens really. They adopted me.
I think it helps to try and take things on that you think you can do.
like feeding the cat. :roll: 
Maybe some better days will be coming soon?

Hang in there. You're not alone and you're not crazy.


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## Inki (Dec 3, 2006)

Thanks Layla. It has been a relief indeed to know this is 'something', that I have not made this up. But I have lost hope that better days will come. It has been so long and so constant. I walk through town trying to think of a way to focus, to feel things.

Any suggestions as to how I can feel little bits again? Exercises you mention?

Is it normal for people who have this not to know who they are, what they like etc? Not to be able to recognise themselves in the mirror?

Inge


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## PPPP (Nov 26, 2006)

yeah. I those are common symptoms I think.

As for what helps... It seems to be different for different people.
there's advice about it from several people in one of the other threads.

I wouldn't recommend most of the things I've tried.


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## Inki (Dec 3, 2006)

Its getting worse. 
I was dumped (or rather, I had to guess and read between the lines via email) for the 3rd time by the same guy. He didn't want to live together and I moved back to my own country. I am now here and alone. I found a place to live. I set up my own business, have an income but I am running on automatic pilot. It is just getting worse and worse. I always felt like I was watching a movie but now it is just so obvious what my mind is doing.

By being forced to forget the past four years, the fact he exists and now doesn't want me, I am practicing digging the hole deeper and deeper, bury my worries even further. In the meantime I know nobody here. Have a couple of friends but they have their own lives. Dad is in the middle of a second horrifying divorce, mum is not helping at all, though she means well. I am at home, no work this week. I have not seen anyone since last Sunday (other than the plumber yesterday morning) and Sunday was to hear my dad out with my brother with regards to our stepmonster. He is doing really badly. But those were the last personal contacts I had, that I could have really done without.

Last night I contacted my ex via MSN, out of pure desperation as he knows me well. I miss him. I miss intelligent conversation. Some kind of stimulation of my mind.

I don't want to go salsa dancing, I dont sing, I don't enjoy anything so how am I supposed to get to know more people safe myself from this non-existance?? 
I try to meditate but my mind is too far gone to focus on this. I go to the gym but that doesn't help. I go out, to the markets, shopping. But hey... you keep yourself occupied, but it doesn't do much for me 

what do i do??


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