# Almost 5 years :(



## soandso (Nov 8, 2010)

Ok, I will post it here too then







Thanks!!

Hi there,

My name is Heather Lodder and I am 24 years old. I left a brief introduction of myself on the "Introduction" page. This is my horrific story of DP/DR and other things that caused it.

In 2004 I started dating the most wonderful man in the world. He gave me everything; not kidding. I felt like life couldn't get any better!! I have always been the happiest woman on the world and was even happier with him! I will name him "N". Lonnnng story short, early on in our relationship, abuse showed up. N abused me in every way possible in all ways abuse can be termed. I told myself it was me and blocked it out as I couldn't believe this man could do this to me. I forgot alll about it. Then it happened again and again I blocked it out. Things got even better for me and I was in love even deeper with this man! He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I remember that night that I was hesitating and was confused as to why but I told myself (I tell myself a lot of things...not good things) that I was just overwhelmed with getting married! The engagement was in November 2006. After that I lost interest in things, food, was soo tired, cranky and a lot of other depression symptoms (I was not aware it was depression though). A month later, December 2006, I was nicely playing a game with my husband and dad and started feeling dizzy and confused with my relationship with my husband. I left it alone and went to bed assuming I was sick. The next day I woke up, Christmas Day, and it was still there...only MUCH stronger come the afternoon. I "told myself" that I wasn't emotionally connected to N enough that weekend so I begged N to make me feel loved but it didn't help things. It made it a BIT better but it was still there. I called this "dizzyness". Dinner came around and I was so dizzy, overwhelmed and confused that I started crying and ran out of the dinner room. N followed me and asked me what was wrong and I told him I wanted to break up but didn't know why. He bawled and begged me not to so I didn't and tried to block this all out. It didn't work. It was still SICKLY strong later that night and 3 times the rest of the weekend I tried to break up again but he tearfully begged me not to so I "told myself" I was being crazy in this as I loved him so why would I want a break up?? LITTLE did I know that my mind was trying to warn me to leave and the dizzyness was a cause of warning me. After a last attempt to break up he manipulated me to become pregnant so in October 2007 we got married. During the long engagement I pondered OBSESSIVELY on our relationship and why I was feeling like this. My Mom kept asking me did I have any reason to want to break up and I said no (remember I blocked out all the abuse?). After we were married things got WAAAY worse abusively and so did my, what I learnt to call "my fog". It was 24/7 and since Christmas Day 2006 it has NEVER left me!! Not even in my dreams!! I got ALL tests done possible but I was told I was fine. I was later diagnosed with "Depression" and went on meds prescribed by a family doctor and my husband was upset with the diagnosis because "how can you be depressed when you are with me?" I was dyiiing to know what I had and why (it didn't feel like JUST depression as I know what it is as it runs in my family) to the point where if I found out if I had cancer I would be happier because then I know what it is. Sounds crazy!! N kept telling me "it was in my head" and to "ignore it". YEAH!! Easier said than done!! Things got worse. Abuse got worse and I started to fight back. I wasn't myself at ALL anymore. One day he choked me for a small fight and I FINALLY told his Mom who begged me to leave him (leave with my son too) if he ever hurt me again. That scared me. I was TOO in love with this man. But I knew she was right. She asked me if this has ever happened before and I said yeah. Suuure...NOW I rememebered it. It was a wake up call but not enough. Again, N made me pregnant by manipulation and during this time my wonderful mother in law (the one I told these things to her) passed away from a brain anuerism. This made my fog worse and my husband's already suffered-depression (I know the signs and he denied them but once acknowledged them and went off his meds right away as he had no feelings on them) became worse and I was at the brunt of his depression. He put a knife to his temple and threatened to kill himself if I left him to get him help from his dad one night on a ranting night. His dad told me to never come to him about marital problems again. This all made my fog worse. So did forced nursing and post-pardum (IT WAS SOOOO BAD...I COULD SLEEP ALL DAY...LIFE WAS SOOO DARK THEN!!!) We moved too and again I was stressed. My husband denounced his faith (BIG deal to me as I swore to only marry a God- fearing man because of my religion) and said he lied to be about it all this time and to not cry about it and to accept it. I was wanting to kill myself by this point (second time this happened. First time was 2 days after the fog started). I didn't want to kill myself, really, I wanted to end my pain and was paranoid of my inner being killing myself in my sleep or "insanity", if I ever reached insanity. On June 13, 2009, after my second child was 3 months, N almost killed me with choking, kicking, bashing my head etc so I fled and he was arrested and I lived with my 2 kids in my parents house. THIS is when things FINALLY came back to my memory...alll the abuse...everything. It all made sense now. I now understood my depression. Things got a little better upon leaving him but court, victim impact statement, his comments about me on facebook, to his family, his hating family, moving and a single mom made the stress just as bad. I was a wreck but at least things made sense now. I was still foggy. That night of the abuse, I remember that I was watching someone else getting beat and not myself and everything was robotic upon leaving that night. I was far gone but my brain and fog, ironically, saved me. I still don't believe I went through this and am going through this aftermath. I think it's someone else. Who am I? Are these my kids? When were they born? What happened that day? How did N and I meet? When did the abuse start? Did my mother in law die for real? Am I really an abused single estranged woman? Is it 2010? Where did my life and memory go?? After I read my Victim Impact statement (I was mean in what I said in it), a year later, my husband attempted strangling himself at his work and he was pronounced dead. He was revived and was in ICU for days in a coma and vegetative state. I was allowed a hold on the restraining order and I was there by his side praying for his life to be spared. Miraculously, he woke up and we connected again. Then reality (there's such a thing??) set in and I pulled myself back from him in fear and confusion. He doesn't remember the attempt or me being there. But I was. This all made my fog worse and I still haven't accepted this. I am waaay too afraid to face my emotions on this so I blocked this out. I have waaay much more to accept right now as reality. I was diagnosed by my (FINALLY) psychiatrist, as having DP/DR and constant anxiety and have tried many meds but to no avail. I am back to step one on that now as I am off the other meds and am only on the one I started one a year ago. N was diagnosed with Cluster B personality Traits (consists of Psychopath, Sociopath and Narcissist tendencies...scccccaaaaarrry stuff!!!!). I am STILL SOOO TIRED....fogggy...confused...sick, dizzy, depressed. I could still sleep all day but it's much more manageable. N sees his kids supervised almost twice a week so the kids and I are safe. I need to mention, that when I joined a support group having to do with grounding and awareness after a crisis in life, I noticed a somewhat close release to my DP/DR. I felt like someone was trying to crawl out of my body (the gooood and healthy me...the new/old me ) and that the bad, healthy, abused me was pulling the other one back inside my body. The bad me won. This happened when we were told to accept we were living in our own body. The realization was sooo scary. This has happened when I almost realize that my kids are MINE. This happens when I am near my husband (court). I am terrified when this happens as the fog is almost uncontrollably worse but also excited as I feel a SHORT but OOHHHHH SOooo good relief of NO fog on one side of my brain and ALL fog on the other side. DOes this make sense to anyone?? DOes anyone else experience this?? How did you get over it? ANY Advice... I am sooo done with this fog!! I miss N sooo much still BECAUSE of what is known as "Stockholm syndrome"...obessively loving someone you fear. He layed on the good stuff soo thick after each abuse that it's no wonder I blocked it out. I am aware of this now! I miss N soo much still too because if I am not accepting this reality of my life is mine...that I was abused etc than why not miss him?? It makes sense but doesn't make sense. I hope to meet somewhat similar stories on here. I am now aware that my DP/DR was caused by abusive relationship and constant anxiety of it yet. It sucks sooo much and I SOOO want my life back!! I have my kids to take care of but I am soo mad all the time and irritable, sad, tired, foggy. Don't worry, the kids are happy with me and I have never hurt them but a healthy Mom is their best bet Help me fight this please

Heather ....I think


----------



## skittlesxx (Dec 9, 2011)

Hi Heather. Your story sounds terrible. You must be glad to be out of that situation. I would love to try to help you work through some things, but I am confused by some of the things mentioned. You mention he sees your kids, did he get out of jail that quickly?


----------



## kate_edwin (Aug 9, 2009)

the good thing is, you probably got those personality traits from the MMPI, and they're probably not true. it's a test that kinds things wrong even if there arent things wrong. dont worry about that part

have you gotten counseling or therapy to help deal with that "relationship"? if your dp started in your later years that may good news


----------



## Joshu (Nov 10, 2011)

Heather

Welcome to the site. I was married for ten years to a woman who was emotionally abusive. I imagine she had what is called Borderline Personality Disorder. She was very high functioning, very successful in her field and people liked her. But when we were alone she was a white-hot lunatic (not the word I really want to use.) I don't understand why I put up with for that long, but I do know how. 1. I drank a lot (I am an alcoholic) and 2. I dissociated a lot - spent a lot of time dp/dr. I have had this condition since I was young, but here I was using it for what it was intended - as a pain filter until I got to a place that I Could process the pain. I think that the conventional wisdom nowdays is that the condition is caused by the physical condition of the brain, and cannot be "cured." it can be managed, though. At least I know that it is episodic and related to stress. I use vigorous physical exercise, deep breathing relaxation and stretching exercises when things are bad. I try to stay away from bad situations, but that isn't always possible.

It actually looks to me that you will do well. You are willing to talk about what happened, and don't seem to be taking on responsibility for others action. I hope you do well

joshu


----------

