# I recovered!!



## Chillwynston (Apr 3, 2009)

I dont usually join mental health sites as much I love talking about this, but I'm goin to tell you what happened to me..

I was a 21 year old student of engineering I had a beauty queen girlfriend and an amazing social life, I would be out every weekend drinking and a couple of times a month I would take XTC, not a lot of it of course, I was sensible within my abuse 

One night I took 1 too many or they were a bad bunch and I remember lying on my mates couch kinda waiting to die with Justin Timberlake's cry me a river playing on repeat, it was hell.. I blacked out and to my surprise I awoke in the morning feeling like hell. I walked downstairs still tripping from the stuff.. blah blah went home, I remember looking at my parents thinking "they look strange, have they had haircuts?" haha I now know what this was... I looked in the mirror and apart from the really dark circles around my eyes I felt totally detached from the person I was looking at... This worried me, but I thought it was the trailing end of the drugs...

I remember in work everything just looked weird and peoples hair looked different, weird!!

Throughout the next week I had a big argument with my girlfriend and also at the time I was working with a record label who was pressuring me to write new material for them.. I felt really tired but at the same time my mind was racing making up its own thoughts, so I went home and laid down I kinda slept but awoke to a cracking noise and my heart was absolutely bursting through my chest I thought "god this is it!!!" so I went downstairs and told my mum (who has panic disorder) she said, your having a panic attack... Let me say it was a long time coming seeing I was hitting the gym hard, taking diet pills then going out and doin whatnots on the weekend.. I now consider myself very lucky I am still here!! So for the rest of that night I lay down my head spinning, my stomach in knots thinking "what have you done to yourself??" the next week was the same.. I would look at my parents and think you look weird, I would look in the mirror and think thats not me (well I knew it was but I was totally detached), I used to look at my hands all the time and they looked like someone elses hands (I still do that now ha), outside used to look as if I'd gone back in time to the 80's it was a real weird sensation, like I was a small afraid child again, I felt mortal.. I felt like that's it I'm gonna have to put up with this for life... I split up with my girlfriend cos I didnt wanna put her thrgh my insanity plus she was a biatch and I went to see the dr and confessed my habits, she said the mind will catch up you will be fine!! I still felt dizzy and unreal I felt like sometimes I was in a cartoon haha its funny because I never really thought this its just how my mind made me feel.. My work would suffer, I was doin a degree and I just couldnt think, I had this pressure in my head all the time, things seemed smaller and weird, especially my mums dinner plates.. ha eating sunday dinner felt like someone else was feeding me... this went on for 3 months.. I had fleeting feelings of sanity but these were when i was drinking and when I was hungover strangely enough.. I made sure I stuck with my mates who helped through the breakup with my ex.. I felt sorry for my parents who still dont know about the XTC, I told them it was the diet pills!! Oh God sorry mum!!

The recovery began, when I decided to myself "Even if I have to put up with it I'm still gonna enjoy my life" I didnt take any meds I was certain more chemicals isnt the way to go I started doin some yoga and I started joggin a lot more and stopped reading these bloody forums  cos they only made my symptoms worse.. What had happened in my brain now I can see, because I thought I was goin to die, the overwhelming sense of mortality plus the chemicals and totally robbed me of my confidence and my vitality, it was only when I accepted that I had it I didnt have it, if you get me.. I was living in a vicious circle of panic and anxiety, I would wake up and check if I had derealisation and i did.. Because I would constantly confirm it.. In my mind ulimately I choose how I feel, so I "figured it out" and thought I dont wanna feel like this so I just got on with it, I made sure all the things in life that stressed me out I got on top of and just let it go.... Now I dont get it..If I am really stressed or tired i get foggy vision and adreneline surges which I kinda like cos they wake me up for a while, I havent had a panic attack for about 3 years I'm now 29 ( I did have one from taking a very strong Multi-vit at bedtime when they are for hangovers - that was horrible ) I have been 8 years clean, I am now the frontman of a very successful up and coming rockband and life is grand.. I'd still enjoy life if I wasnt in a rockband and this experience has definately affected me, I am quite the hyperchodriact I went to the docs yesterday cos I had a single symptom of a heart condition, but hey ho I have to expect some mental scarring...

For all those who think they will never recover I promise you, you will!! I felt the same I felt trapped in a mind that was malfunctioning and was unreal, but remember you are not your mind!! Get on with your life as if you do not have this condition, and you will wake up and you wont have it.. It's simple.. Just get on with it and try to lighten up and go joggin and get those endorphins flowing, feel good about yourself, join a gym and stop looking in the god damn mirror because you will see the devil!!  jus jokin!!

All the best

chillwynston
x


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## sneaker (Feb 14, 2009)

Hey,

Good post, I like it. You are totally right. The times when I don't focus on it are the times when I forget I even have it. If my life gets into a routine I can forget about my DR for weeks at a time. On the other hand when I am bored and not really doing anything to stimulate myself or feel good, like I have been for the last two months, then it really bothers me a lot more.

By the way, what is the name of your band?


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## Chillwynston (Apr 3, 2009)

Yeah I think the only thing that people who experience derealisation do is over analyse their reality we kinda do it to ourselves.. But it is not very nice and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...Well, yeah I would!!

My band is called The Good Things, you will hear of us pretty soon


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## vicky (Jul 16, 2007)

so how long have u had dp/dr before? and how many years are you dp/dr free right now? any strategy?


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## Coming?Back2Life (Oct 20, 2006)

Sorry I`m tired and can`t focus lately, how long did you have it for? The Dp?


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## Chillwynston (Apr 3, 2009)

I had it chronically for around 6 months, like not recognising where I was or who I was even!! accepted it, had it for another year maybe, but I can't pin point when it went I just dont have it now (as everday life) i was 22 then im 29 now..

It all starts with anxiety, there's not one person on these forums who isn't anxious all the time! thats what you need to deal with, make a start on your diet, exercise (running saved my mind) if I ever felt weird and fuzzy and coiled i would go running and it chilled me out! dont drink too much, but if you need a drink have one, dont take life too seriously either, learn to breathe properly, this helps with heart anxiety, its not your heart you just aren't breathing properly!!

Look in the mirror and that is the person you are, accept it and just be the best you can be!! Learn to make the most of the things you can change and to embrace the things you can't!!


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## Guest (Apr 20, 2009)

Congratulations on your recovery. Did you complete your degree? The reason I ask is that I'm interested in maybe reading mechanical engineering at some point. The only thing that's preventing me is the knowledge that I haven't studied any maths and physics since my GCSEs. That and the money, of course. Would it be possible for somebody to get through it if their maths and physics were average, for example? If they worked their tuchus off?

I hope your band makes it big time so that you can spend your days poolside, snorting blow of groupies' chests. What sort of music is it?


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## Chillwynston (Apr 3, 2009)

Hi BC

Yeah I completed it with honours so I was really happy!! It's not what I wanna do with my life anymore tho, its the companies they are so olf fashioned I even had to take an earring out for work, grow up innit!

But go for it man, You would prob have to do some kind of started course with HNC level maths and science first..The science is hard but it depends on how good your lecturers are... Maths is ok if you look over your notes a few times just to keep it fresh.. Make some enquiries, my forte is design and 3d modelling I love that but I'm not doing it at the mo I have more of a project role... It sucks!! And I use autocad..Dont laugh!! 

My advice is go to the local college and ask them, they should tell you but if you work your ass of you'll be fine..

Haha i'm not much of a snorter anymore the only coke I do is jack and coke.. think it would drip right off her chest but God willing I'll give it a go... We play melodic metal, powerpop, cock rock there are a few names goin around we have been called the lovechild of guns and roses and led zeppelin,  i think we sound like wolfmother mixed with nickelback, but I've been told like I sound like bon jovi mixed with Gavin Degraw... haha so I'm givin quite a scope there!!

we're releasing an e.p. in a few weeks (in the studio at the mo) they are sounding awesome so far..


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