# The mystery of the unflushed toilet



## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A HEART CONDITION, A STOMACH CONDITION, ARE EASILY OFFENDED, OR IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF DECENCY OR PROPRIETY WHATSOEVER.

It was a day like any other...a dreary, drizzly february morn, but a friday to boot. I sauntered into the office with all the alacrity of a drenched squid, half an hour late, sipping on a starbucks whilst pondering such enigmas as why, in God's name, February is spelled with an R before the U, instead of the other way around. Things would just be so much easier grammatically if the troublemaker who thought up the name, wasn't drunk on cheap Roman wine when orating the new calendar names for everyone.

Anyway, as i sat down to my desk, the usual friday glow quietly assuring me that things can only get so bad on a day like today, i place my coffee down beside me only to have the lid pop off and coffee sprout up from my cup like an ejaculating penis. Thankfully, it only lands on these incomprehensible sheets of paper on my desk and manages to avoid my clothes entirely. Thank God. Perhaps this is a good sign...an auspicious beginning to that greatest of all days, Friday. All i need to do is throw out the paper and get some towels to clean off my desk.

If only it would have been that simple...my life could still be the same. How could i have known what the capricious Fates had in store for this white collar Odysseus? How could i shelter myself from the storms of destiny? The second i pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, the Fates were already conspiring...wily weaving their web of cosmic intrigue. The stage was set. The actors oblivious.

I proceeded toward the Men's room, alternately smiling or scowling at my allys or enemies in the office. Upon reaching the washroom i'm confronted by an egregious, godless smell. It permeates my senses, almost knocking me to my feet. I stumble...reeling...hold fastly onto a nearby desk to steady myself. After a moment, i regain my composure. After all, i only have to reach in for some towels and i can retreat quickly, slamming the door behind me and trapping this beastial odour back in the hole from whence it came.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the forum...or rather, the washroom. As i stepped inside that blasphemous hovel, bravely swishing through the miasmic bog...i noticed something which caused me to gasp. The act of even writing these words, once again recollecting that morning horror is enough to make me tremble, and i fear speed is of the essence in my finishing of the tale lest i relapse and pass out before i can pass on my story. I shall make haste!

As i cautiously reached out my hand for the towels, something caught my eye. Something horrible. It was...the toilet...MY GOD!!! IT HADN'T BEEN FLUSHED!!! I slipped on something as i staggered out of that hellish place and all but dove into the main hallway. It was awful. Feces. Noxious, nefarious, liquid feces...and no paper. Only feces. I can still see it now as i write this...burned into my mind as it is. I shall never forget...never stray far from the terror of that moment. I feel much the way a priest must feel when confronted with demons or how a sane person must feel when confronted with a Bush-lover.

I was in a fury. The horror i felt at that moment was quickly replaced by a rising hatred of the person who did this to me. I steamed...nay, i blew into the other offices and began confronting people. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU MADMAN?!!" I screamed randomly, hoping to catch someone off-guard and get him to reveal himself through guilt-ridden facial ticks. Mostly i just received odd stares and various people mumbling on about calling security. But then i found my man! And what a man!

A big, fat, gargantuan mammoth of a man. He calls himself Chris, but no creature that has done what he did can have such an innocuous name. When i confronted him, this is what he said...

"Oh sorry...i must have forgotten to flush."

I almost vomitted on his face at the simplicity of his statement. I castigated him and flew back to my desk before i did something terrible.

But it was then...afterwards...that i realized the whole horror of what his statement meant. A flurry of thoughts rushed into my mind as a terrible picture pieced itself together like a jigsaw puzzle.

Toilet ridden with filth and feces...but no paper...
...forgetting to flush...
...unearthly odours...

my good god...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T WIPE, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't go on...can't write anymore...please...tell my story...don't let it all be in vain...tell my mother i love her...it's...over...it's...farewell...

s.


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## Guest (Feb 3, 2006)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Fanstastically disturbing, hilariously wrong.

Now you need to use e-mail for it's true purpose - let the word go forth from this time and place...etc, etc.

What a dirty cunt.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

yeah, sebastian...remember when you "accidentally" emailed that coworker about how much you dislike her? perhaps it's time for another of those little "incidents", eh?


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## Guest (Feb 3, 2006)

IT'S THE JANITOR'S FAULT! WHY DO THEY ALWAYS FORGET TO RESTOCK THE T.P?


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## sebastian (Aug 11, 2004)

agentcooper said:


> yeah, sebastian...remember when you "accidentally" emailed that coworker about how much you dislike her? perhaps it's time for another of those little "incidents", eh?


how could i forget? although i actually do talk to her sometimes now...we get along, strange as it may seem.


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

Well at least you have the kind of job where you can run in and scream out whatever you want to. If I did that they would look at me like I was crazy and probably fire me.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

beautifully written sebastian. love your use of prose and poo. i thought i was the only one who could tell great poop tales, i was wrong. but i have to tell you, thats not the worst story about an obese non-wiper on the net. no no. there is one far, far worse. sadly most of the story has been altered along with photos of the culprit, and her name. let me see if i can find it again.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

OMG, I FOUND IT! complete with all the pics. mind you, i feel very sorry for this woman. shes so fat she cant wipe her own stuff or use proper sanitary napkins. this is bad, really bad.. so dont look at it if youre squeemish!

http://shiroioji.livejournal.com/114944.html


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## Guest (Feb 4, 2006)

Dirty cow.


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

I thought I was the only one who appreciates toilet humour - not so. Funny post Seb.

My uncle always says that you can tell how cultured people are by the state of their toilets. So tell me - how cultured are you Canadians?

Your story, Sebastian, is why I always use the executive toilets on our office floor, that being the disabled dunny, always so nice and clean, and of course....FLUSHED!!!


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Oh Sleepy, that was so horrid.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

why did i click on sleeping beauty's link?


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## Guest (Feb 4, 2006)

person3 said:


> why did i click on sleeping beauty's link?


I'm not going to. I know better now. SB is the queen of graphic shock.


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## Guest (Feb 4, 2006)

Milan said:


> My uncle always says that you can tell how cultured people are by the state of their toilets. So tell me - how cultured are you Canadians?


Public or private toilets? Overall the public ones are okay, but I wouldn't judge the rest of our culture that way.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

person3 said:


> why did i click on sleeping beauty's link?


I dont know but I clicked on it too... UGG


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

You people don't know any better than not to click on sb's links?? Come one now.


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## rainboteers (Apr 5, 2005)

well i learned my lesson... i sure as hell know better now!!


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

lol. Ahh, I remember when I was a newbie and clicked on sb's links. Those were the days. Before I found out she was a insane. :wink: :wink: I love you sb!


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

ohhh puleeeeeeeeese. :roll:

theres nothing wrong with me, YOU GUYS are the ones with a problem. youre just jealous you cant top my mastery at webfinds. :wink:


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

8)


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I fondly remember going to the toilet in the morning to find little floating nuggets. There were my sisters, and she was extremely embarrassed about it. Tee hee.

At the risk of some severe moderating, I think we should start a list of things that are nice/horrible to poo. I'll start:

Nice:
Warm Caviar
Grapes

Horrible:
Metal Shavings
Pins
Pineapples.


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## Guest (Feb 6, 2006)

Martin this is more likely to make me think you've lost the plot than any number of Spirituality posts or EEG's... :lol:


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

Yep, regretting very much clicking on that link, or even reading this thread at all. I have only just got over the 'checking my poo for worms' obsession and then I go and do this....

I had just eaten a chocolate egg aswell. I feel as though I may never read a post written by Sebastian or SB ever again :shock:


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Nice: Liquid tofu.

Horrible: A clock radio.


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## Guest (Feb 6, 2006)

Nice: Porridge

Nasty: Belgium


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)

i have asthma from laughing too much at this

Nice: mashed potato

Nasty: your spleen


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## Milan (May 29, 2005)

Nasty: Belgium :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Nasty: your spleen :shock: OUCH!!

Seems to me only the Aussies and Brits appreciate toliet humour.

C'mon sleepy - I know your out there.....


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

lol i thought my posts werent welcome?

ok then, you asked for it! :twisted:

nice - MOCHI from Two Ladies Kitchen. a delicious japanese gooey rice confection 









not nice - :twisted: http://poetry.rotten.com/weightlifter/ :twisted:

psssssst!! dont click the link! :wink:


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

Belgium? Dear lord. Come on, I'm serious. Nothing that would expand you more than say, 10cm.

I take back my idea of warm caviar. It would probably feel too much like sperm. *Dislaimer 8764234: Not that I have anything against that kind of thing.*

Nice:

Pumpkin seeds
Jam (Jello)
Milkshakes

Horrible:

Russia
China
Mr T.


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## Guest (Feb 7, 2006)




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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

More spikey animals please. Porcupine ? Hedgehog?


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## g-funk (Aug 20, 2004)




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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

mrmole said:


>


OUCH! :shock:

ive actually been poked by one of those. its bad but not nearly as bad as a wana poke. i got NAILED one time while trying to rescue one that was being pounded by the surf. they literally shoot their darts out imbedding them into you and the sting is like nothing ive ever felt. i got one little spine in my pinky and it felt like my entire arm was on fire. and whats worse is the only way to get the spine out is with vinegar but of course if youre at the beach youre not going to find vinegar around, so your only option is to pee on it. of course i had already peed myself while in extreme pain so i had to ask a stranger to pee on my finger! extreme pain and then absolute humiliation. wanas are evil i tell ya! pure evil!


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