# 7 years of chronic depersonalization and feeling hopeless



## EmiJ (Sep 24, 2018)

Hi there. My name is Emi. I'm 24 years old and I've been surviving dp/dr for 7 years. 
I am diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, illness anxiety disorder, and major depression.

After the birth of my first and only child, I became depersonalized. The very room my daughter was born and moment she came into my life, depersonalization struck me. I was terrified.

The feeling of being numb, high on weed, and just flat out dreaming. I spent years thinking I was dying. Still am convinced of this.. my memories from just a few minutes ago feels as equally distant as 3 hours ago or even months ago. I'm horrified and scared I will never be normal again...

I want to meet new people who may have the same problems as I face. Be able to talk to others and have some questions answered about it. Like if it's normal to have days feeling heavier than others. What worsens the sensation and what helps it? I need help to think again...


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## forestx5 (Aug 29, 2008)

I was in your shoes from age 17 to approximately age 58. I had 5 episodes of major depression which were epic struggles for survival. Each depressive episode was like being deployed to foreign soil for a combat assignment of 1 year. Each day I felt could be my last. I lost significant weight, and had harsh anxiety and insomnia.

I also suffered ocular migraines and spells of intense fear and unreality. In my mid 50s, I came across information in a British Neurological Text which described the process by which I became mentally ill in every exact detail. I came to a complete understanding of my illness and symptoms. I asked a neurologist to give me the diagnostic tests which would verify my self diagnosis. The tests showed

that I had significant pathology in my dominant temporal lobe consistent with someone with a history of epileptic seizure. The neuro texts described me as a worst case scenario. My post ictal response to the seizures I suffered at age 17 segued into an affective disorder of recurrent major depression.

During my last episode of major depression, I opted for ECT. The induced grand mal seizures reset my brain. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I am 63 going on 23. I know I am no longer depressive. My symptoms and fear of those symptoms are gone. I will not have any more seizures or episodes of depression.

It has been 5 or 6 years since the ECT. I'm still on an upward trajectory.


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## BabyBak (Feb 8, 2012)

hey forestx5, just wondering why you are still on these boards? if it is to spread knowledge and help others I admire that. Hopefully you are out there enjoying life for all the time you lost.


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