# separate and disconnected from everyone



## ripeorrotten (Jan 14, 2010)

i don't know how long i've felt like this (two or three years?) or what it was brought on by. the only thing that makes sense is that it could be a symptom of the anxiety i've had since i was little.

my thoughts don't come naturally, i don't know where they come from. i feel myself under piles of something else but i know that i'm there. everything i do feels fake, NOTHING feels true.. it's like my soul is really buried and i can't even get to it when i'm alone anymore. (i used to feel like i could, like these feelings were the worst around other people) i'm not here ever, i'm never living.. and i feel like i need to tell everyone i speak to that so they won't hold it against me or not like me. when i talk to someone (even those i used to be so close to) i want to say "do you see me? who are you? do you feel how unreal this all is and do you feel the wall blocking something?" something doesn't click or feel normal. i always feel something UNDER reality. i hate to go anywhere. i always want to but i have that bad feeling and end up just "getting through" the rest of whatever i'm out doing to come home and do whatever i can to feel better about myself, sit somewhere comfortable and erase however i felt or acted earlier and let the people around me see me as myself again. there is a constant feeling of me and life, reality, time, space, everything not clicking.. i can't look back on the past and have it seem like it really happened or feel like i know myself. i strive on knowing myself and feeling safe and secure.

even though this is all usually worse during the day, sometimes at night when i start to fall asleep i can feel my bones or my hands too much.. or i notice that everything is really quiet and there is just this feeling and it scares me. i also can hardly ever take a nap without waking up feeling unbearably weird. maybe it isn't so horrible but i have always been someone who is sensitive to everything. does this happen to anyone?

i miss my family even though i'm with them everyday. 
i want to be with the people i love and have them see me alive and happy. i don't even want to have a good day and have this feeling in the back of my mind. i don't want to feel so unreal and have someone tell me i am and not believe it, i want the VEIL OVER MY BRAIN to go away and if it was gone maybe i would see right and not go through the motions with doubts and confusion about something i can't put my finger on.

can this ever go away?


----------



## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

ripeorrotten said:


> i don't know how long i've felt like this (two or three years?) or what it was brought on by. the only thing that makes sense is that it could be a symptom of the anxiety i've had since i was little.
> 
> my thoughts don't come naturally, i don't know where they come from. i feel myself under piles of something else but i know that i'm there. everything i do feels fake, NOTHING feels true.. it's like my soul is really buried and i can't even get to it when i'm alone anymore. (i used to feel like i could, like these feelings were the worst around other people) i'm not here ever, i'm never living.. and i feel like i need to tell everyone i speak to that so they won't hold it against me or not like me. when i talk to someone (even those i used to be so close to) i want to say "do you see me? who are you? do you feel how unreal this all is and do you feel the wall blocking something?" something doesn't click or feel normal. i always feel something UNDER reality. i hate to go anywhere. i always want to but i have that bad feeling and end up just "getting through" the rest of whatever i'm out doing to come home and do whatever i can to feel better about myself, sit somewhere comfortable and erase however i felt or acted earlier and let the people around me see me as myself again. there is a constant feeling of me and life, reality, time, space, everything not clicking.. i can't look back on the past and have it seem like it really happened or feel like i know myself. i strive on knowing myself and feeling safe and secure.
> 
> ...


What you are experiencing is DP/DR and could in fact have been triggered by the anxiety you use to have for a long time.

I will put two links below regarding two great posts by members who have recovered:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/18746-read-this-if-you-want-to-recover-no-bullshit/
by tommygunz - 1st post of the topic - its about a supllement regimen that has already helped othes with DP/DR,depression and anxiety towards recovery

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/18932-feeling-90-better-after-4-years-heres-how/
by Guest_phasedout24 - 1st post of the topic , with lots of tips for people with DP/DR learn how to deal better in their daily basis lives.

Hope these two posts can be of help to you
All the Best


----------



## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

I just wanted to add that the DP/DR symptoms you are describing , in spite of being so disturbing ,most of us here in the forum can relate to them,me included.I also have weird feelings after i wake up from a nap.I also have an altered perception of time.To me is like time is passing too fast,like just flying by.those feelings towards the others,specially the family members are normal in DP/DR.I have times when i feel my family as complete strangers.Please have hope and consider reading the two posts i've linked in the above post


----------



## ripeorrotten (Jan 14, 2010)

thank you..

i think i should add: i am 18, homeschooling for my last year of high school and also am on zoloft and have been off and on for a few years.


----------



## Mario (Oct 26, 2009)

ripeorrotten said:


> thank you..
> 
> i think i should add: i am 18, homeschooling for my last year of high school and also am on zoloft and have been off and on for a few years.


I know that sometimes benzos can be a little bit addictive,but in your case,i think you should ask a benzo to your doctor and add it to the anti-depressant (zoloft)


----------



## Paul G (Jul 31, 2010)

ripeorrotten said:


> i don't know how long i've felt like this (two or three years?) or what it was brought on by. the only thing that makes sense is that it could be a symptom of the anxiety i've had since i was little.
> 
> my thoughts don't come naturally, i don't know where they come from. i feel myself under piles of something else but i know that i'm there. everything i do feels fake, NOTHING feels true.. it's like my soul is really buried and i can't even get to it when i'm alone anymore. (i used to feel like i could, like these feelings were the worst around other people) i'm not here ever, i'm never living.. and i feel like i need to tell everyone i speak to that so they won't hold it against me or not like me. when i talk to someone (even those i used to be so close to) i want to say "do you see me? who are you? do you feel how unreal this all is and do you feel the wall blocking something?" something doesn't click or feel normal. i always feel something UNDER reality. i hate to go anywhere. i always want to but i have that bad feeling and end up just "getting through" the rest of whatever i'm out doing to come home and do whatever i can to feel better about myself, sit somewhere comfortable and erase however i felt or acted earlier and let the people around me see me as myself again. there is a constant feeling of me and life, reality, time, space, everything not clicking.. i can't look back on the past and have it seem like it really happened or feel like i know myself. i strive on knowing myself and feeling safe and secure.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the internet. With one psychically charged Google, I've found people with the same problem I've been suffering from for perhaps 20 years, without a clue from all the doctors and psychiatrists I saw along the way.

I was feeling a little unreal and depressed the other day, and the thoughts were racing and spinning into an excruciating ball of mental twine wound so tight that all the breath had been seemingly wrung out of my consciousness.

I typed the fateful exact phrase, in quotes "everything I do feels fake"

this page is the number 1 hit.

So, I'm reading this post, and wondering what depersonalization is, and reading some links from this post, and it all came together. This is what I was experiencing.

It was pretty chilling to read people describing the feeling of being behind a wall of glass, knowing there are several entries in my journal with that exact same description. Also, knowing I had also out of sheer will stumbled on the importance of the B vitamins to solving this puzzle. And now, to find the other pieces here, and from links in this thread to a supplement regimen gives me great hope. I went out and bought the recommended items the first day. I am optimistic they will provide some improvement over the mid to long term.

All I can say is hang in there everyone! I am amazed to still be alive after the torture of thinking my mind was dissolving in some terminal way without a clue about the right steps to stave it off. If I can begin to wake up from the stupor after 20 years, so can you.


----------



## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

ripeorrotten said:


> i want the VEIL OVER MY BRAIN to go away and if it was gone maybe i would see right and not go through the motions with doubts and confusion about something i can't put my finger on.


This sentence alone ASTOUNDS me! This is the exact phrase I utter to myself each and every day. Glad this post came up.


----------



## EverDream (Dec 15, 2006)

Great post. It describe the way I feel amazingly well (and it's not so easy to describe those feelings).


----------

