# Caged in the nonsensical trap of my fears and reality



## TiredAndExhausted (May 2, 2018)

I don't know if this is dp/dr related.. frankly i don't even know what my problem is at this point, everything and how my life is structured seems off or wrong like it's a rabbit hole. The "fears" I'm having lately is what if actually my life as me is an illusion and actually I'm someone else completely different? Yes I know it doesn't make sense I guess it stems from a thought I had when I was a child for "fun" that actually I were someone else and that waking up, I did have a different life, I never thought anymore of something like this but now it's coming back to haunt me, that it means it's some kind of link or piece of puzzle to understand better my existence or "wake up" from an illusion, I don't even know what I mean, I'm too exhausted

I get random urging moments like I "have to wake up", I don't know if it's the anxiety, I only know it makes me super-uncomfortable and crazy, it's like I watch back all my life to "capture" the essence of myself, how i see things, how i think and feel and so, to sense what is wrong/off with all of this, like I 'know' is there but exactly I don't know what... so I start with the fear that my way of thinking and perceiving is not normal but is off, I fear there's something otherworldy about me like something detached or knowy so I drive myself crazy to understand this fear better and see where's it right or wrong.. I feel myself Always pulled mentally from all diferent parts, it's like mine is a mess of existence and I can't see clearly no more, there's no more defined fears or perceptions just randomness I can't quite grasp but is there.. oh my, I'm so much pain and fear

I can't explain, I can't explain myself and I can't make sense of anything, and not in the typical dp-sense.. I don't know what kind of mad game I'm in..


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## FranticallyNumb (Jan 27, 2017)

I’m completely the same way...I woke up one day and felt very detached from my body, like I was a different person too. That this was the first day of my life in this body., this host. And the girl who was formerly in it disappeared or went somewhere else but I have no idea where. And I long for who I was every day, thinking back, clutching at all the things I remember, trying to connect those memories with how I am now, but I feel so different from that. For me I feel like I’m incapable of being that girl. Like the first few months, I felt like I was at lvl 1 when I used to be lvl 45, sorry, video game mumbo jumbo. Everything was difficult for me and I felt like this just programmed robot. I still feel like that. Like my soul is gone and I’m just living, with the fond memories, almost like I’m elderly looking back on my life, knowing it’s over...that all I can do is appreciate those past memories knowing this is the end.


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## FranticallyNumb (Jan 27, 2017)

I’ve had whatever this is for 10 years.


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## FranticallyNumb (Jan 27, 2017)

Well honestly, I think our experiences or thought process are a little different but the theme is similar.


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## FranticallyNumb (Jan 27, 2017)

I think what caused it was overwhelming anxiety...I was starting a new job and freaking out. It was my first job. I was also off of Lexapro for a month, a drug I took for a year, sophomore year of high school that had all bad effects except for the fact that I was more confident because I didn’t care about anything, I was kind of numb on it. I was 16 when the dp or splitting happened, June 2008. I remember exactly. I’m sorry if I’m triggering too much. We can always PM.


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