# Tell us about your dp experience



## Guest

We are in the process of restoring our story section. It includes personal accounts of how our dp symptoms started, a little personal history of the journey towards recovery.

Some stories are tales in process - recovery not reached yet...

Others such as my own, are tales of total recovery.

Please tell us your own.

And check back here later in the week for some others!

Peace,
Janine


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## Guest

John, I moved your story to its own post - was afraid no one would see it here. - Janine


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## kchendrix

I can remember being in highschool working at a gas station and saying to a buddy ,, i just don' t feel like I'm Me.

Now I managed not to have that feeling for a long time. Until now. But now I am obsessed it seems. How to break free. I can think, I can see, I can hear I can drive, I know my name, I know my parents, I know where they live, I know my wifes name and birthday, I know my social security number... All things point to I am in reality and I know where I am . But why do I get these weird thoughts like Your not real... I am not myself.... Thoughts shouldn't scare me but they do.

They say Im not crazy but then what is this. Stuck inside my head not living like I once did with fun and sense of humor.. This grew out of anxiety and now it is as if I can't find myself....I keep hoping when I go to bed at night I will wake up and my oldself will be back. What is this stuff.

My story is I am a father, a grandfather, a friend , but I don't feel like the person I once did.. I want to get back to my life again. Where is the door, where is the key.


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## Guest

First of all, hello everyone! I'm new to this board, but boy am I glad I found it. I had no idea anyone else experienced the symptoms I felt until I discovered this site through learning about anxiety disorders. Suffice to say, I was thrilled that I am not going crazy.

I'm 23 year old male. I read the descriptions of both dp and dr, and when I read the desciption of dp I was shocked because it described my condition perfectly. I've been living with this since I've been 17, but haven't heard about dp until now.

My first experience was after I had smoked hash when I was 17. I freaked out and was scared to death. The feelings of reality being slightly askew, and things looking foreign kept up for the next few days. After that it abated a bit, but would come back every once in a while in very intense outburts. I was under stress because of the recent divorce of my parents at the time, and I think the hash triggered the dp (I had smoked marijiuana/hash many times before but nothing ever happened).

A bout of depression and anxiety last year prompted me to see a doctor, who diagnosed me with a general anxiety disorder and prescribed Celexa. I've been on them for about six months now, and they really help - I'm back to near as normal as I once was. Now knowing what I really have, I am going to talk to my doctor again and seek some kind of therapy to help.

Whoever started this board, thank you very much. I look forward to getting to know other's stories.


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## Guest

I am a 34 year old male who currently resides in Adelaide, South Australia. Approximately 13 years ago I went to bed stoned and woke up still experiencing the feeling of being "stoned". I have been this way ever since this time. It is very hard to describe exactly what happened and I cannot be sure that it is drug related but the best way that I can describe it is an alteration in my visual perception or derealization. I woke up and things did not look "real' or as they had when I had previously been "straight" or not affected by drugs. Throughout my late teens I had smoked a lot of dope and used hallucinogenic drugs on a few occasions. I have always been convinced that what happened to me was some type of permanent drug induced "flashback". Recently I discovered a condition called HPPD which I believe is close to what I have experienced. Although I do not exprerience classical hallucinations described in the DSM IV such as flashing lights, colours etc I believe that my "derealization' is a result of some alteration in my brain chemistry or functioning. I do not believe that it is purely psychological. As you can imagine when I woke up still "stoned" I was worried. I had the feeling that something bad had happened and knew that something was seriously wrong. The last 13 years have been extremely difficult although I have been able to function basically as per normal. As a consequence of this I developed severe anxiety and depression however. Today I still struggle with these conditions and find that I am unable to tolerate any anti depressants. These generally make me feel worse and more disassociated from reality.
I have thought about suicide on a number of occasions but have never been able to go through with it. I still find it very hard to deal with what has happened to me. Not being able to talk about it makes it even harder. 
Although I have had relationships and some good friends I have not discussed what has happened to me and generally I fell very isolated. I recently spoke with a psychiatrist regarding this who was generally quite good although I still think he was not convinced that I was telling the truth. He said that he had never come across a permenant change such as I had experienced. I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has experienced anything similar to what I have described. I have not ever had any other problems with delusions or anything like this. If you were to speak to me or look at me(apart from the depression and anxiety symptoms) you would never know that there was anything wrong with me. Please get in touch with me if you are interested in discussing this. My e-mail is [email protected]


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## johncav

I'm so glad i found this site ive been living with cronic dp+dr ever since i was 12 years old it never left im 45 years old now i grew up in an alcoholic
family my mother was alcoholic and seconals and speed something i followed right from age 12 there were lots of fight between my parents and i used every drug there was well enough of that! somewhere around the age of 12 i remember laying on my bed after school one day in the spring and all of a sudden i felt like i ingested something that made me stoned everything looked unreal like i was dreaming it has never left at times its a little better but never leaves i blamed it on the pot i smoked some time before maybe weeks before. feeling very ashamed frightened and scared and also lonely. years went by and many physiciatrists later im just now telling them about the dp+dr im always like daydreaming and very hard to conentrate on anything im on zoloft and celexa im able to function but the zoloft seems to make the dp+dr worse any body have any suggestions. so happy we have a name for this terrible symptom.
john


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## Guest

Hi. I was just wondering if anyone else has similar fears to me. It's probably easiest to explain this by telling my story about yesterday...

I was on a trip to the Outer Banks with my family and I constantly have these feelings, thoughts, and fears about reality. I'll become worried that I'm living in an alternate reality, and then I'll become hypersensitive. I'll hear every word that I say. Then I'll want to know why I said every word that I said. If I move my leg 20 inches to the right I want to know why I did that. If I run my hand through my hair I'll want to know why I did that. It's a constant obsession of whether I have control over myself or not. And I think that's what causes me to almost feel displaced from reality. Moreover, I'll get wierd thoughts, like related to my vision. For example, I'll feel uncomfortable about whether what I'm seeing is real. This will sound wierd too but I'll feel uncomfortable that someone could just pull the plug on me any minute, like in the Matrix. I feel like I'm becoming afraid of everything. Strangely, there are times when nothing bothers me at all. Lastly, sometimes I feel like my head is a broken record. I'll get a random thought (whether it's harmful or not), and I feel like it reverberates inside of my head. It feels like it's a bunch of noise in the background. I can't even watch TV without having my mind racing a million miles a minute. Last nite, when I tried to lay down in bed, I constantly had all of this background noise in my head. It was like my own mind shouting at me, yelling random things. This noise never comes from anywhere but myself, although I do fear that one day my condition will migrate into something worse than it is. I had to take a klonopin, which was the first time I've done that in a long time. I just wanted to know if anyone had feelings or thoughts like this. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Also, sometimes shapes and things will look real wierd to me. Stuff like that. Like things that I have been familiar with for the past 20 years all of a sudden seem bizarre.

- Afrika


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## danjames4

I'm 17, It all started about a year and a half ago when I smoked a lot of pot and felt really messed up like tingly down my back twitching a bunch, I felt a bit weird the next day but it got better. I think about 3 months passed until I was at a rep rugby game and during the game i felt really, really messed up, went away that night, the next morning I woke up feeling so messed up, and then like 20 mins later that morning I had a panic attack(A bad one) where I had to get out ,my whole body went numb, so my gf called my parents at work and my mom came to get me and i Seriosly thought i was dieing on the way. Got to the clinic saw a random doc who didnt think much of everything(asshole) he gave me paxil and sent me home, from then till now i've been messed up with not much hope or relief so mabe if anyone could possibly give me tips it would help, thx alot Dan


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## Guest

My episodes can start for no reason at all. I start to feel like I am watching everything around me but I don't actually exist. I can still talk and respond but I am on"auto pilot", I am not actually hearing what anyone is saying to me. I want to cry but can't because I feel frozen, trancy and mentally numb. Everything takes on a spooky dreamlike quality and it lasts about 5-10 minutes. Sometimes it starts with a feeling of deja vu. I feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom or danger that I am helpless to stop and my chest feels like it might explode. Just writing about this makes me uptight, it's awful.


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## Guest

I just wanted to add that I have a similar symptom to what jraffet14 said, occasionally when I go to sleep at night (when I CAN sleep) a random phrase (it might be something i heard or said earlier in the day) will keep running thru my mind all nite, like a broken record or a tape rewinding , I cannot stop it. It doesn't happen often and doesn't always accompany panic attacks or dp. I am glad to know I am not the only one experiencing this.
Alessa


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## Guest

Hello, new poster here.
I experienced something almost identical to *brenton1971* about 8 months ago, I had previously had a very bad experience with hallucinegenic mushrooms a couple of months prior to that. During that period of my life I was compulsively smoking marijuana and was very depressed following the end of a two year relationship which I felt extremely guilty about.

During these 'attacks' I was convinced I was in hell and had very strong suicidal urges. Since the last attack I have noticed a permanent seeming change in my perception and a sense of being 'behind my movements', a sense that everything has already taken place. I can also totally identify with the symptoms *alessa* and *jraffett14* have experienced, I can notice a greater heightening of the sensations when I am stressed.


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## LISA NICHOLS

HI IM LISA I HAVE SUFFERED FROM (AND STILL DO) DP/DR. IT STARTED AT A VERY EARLY AGE I BELIEVE I WAS ABOUT 6.. I TRY AND THINK BACK TO IT BUT ITS A BIG BLUR I DO REMEMBER IT BEING EXTREAMLY TRAUMATIC AND I HONESTLY DONT WANT TO REMMEBER IT INCASE I GO BACK TO THAT CONSTANT "WEIRD WORLD"
MY PARENTS (BLESS THEM) DIDNT HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHY I WERE THE WAY I WAS AND GOING TO NUMEROUS DOCTORS, SHRINKS, ETC AND BEING TOLD YOUR CHILD IS FINE AND A ATTENTION SEEKER WELL OBVIOUSLY THEY BELIEVED THE PROFESSIONALS DIDNT THEY
BUT AFTER MANY MANY YEARS OFF SEEING ME GO THROUGH IT THEY DO BELIEVE I HAVE IT. MY DAD HAS EVEN BOUGHT ME A COMPUTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AS HE SAID HIM AND MY MUM CANT BE THERE FOR ME SO HE THOUGHT MAYBE SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET WOULD HELP AND THATS WHERE I CAME ACROSS THIS FORUM. I WAS AMAZED AND RELIEVED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF GOING THROUGH THIS DR/DP HELL 
I HAVE THE DP/DR DAILY AND SOMETIMES ITS BAREABLE OTHERTIMES I TOTAL FRAK OUT (THATS EMBARESSING) I HAVE A 7 YEAR OLD SON WHO HAS GROWN UP AROUND MY ATTACKS I FEEL AS GUILTY AS HELL AND DONT WANT TO EFFECT HIM IN ANYWY BUT PEOPLE SAY I HAVE DONE A FANTASTIC JOB I AM PROUD OF MY SON HE IS MY ROCK THROUGH THIS INFACT IF IT WERNT FOR HIM I BELIEVE I WOULD BE DEAD NOW 
I HAVE RECENTLY MET A MAN AND WE HAVE STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET I HAD NUMEROUS "WEIRD ATTACKS" I DIDNT TELL HIM BUT HE KNEW I WAS BUT HE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME FOR ME AND WILL BE THERE THROUGH GOOD AND BAD UNLIKE OTHER EX'S WHO CLASS ME AS A LOONEY!!!! 
IM SO HAPPY AT THE MOMENT YES I STILL SUFFER BUT YES I AM STILL FIGHTING !!!!!! XXXXX


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## triplesix

ok well lets see where to begin..... o yes the very beginging of corse

ok well i was visiting my father for the weekend which i would do quite often since i lost my driving license (do to a dui) when my step sister asked me if i wanted to go to town with her so i did and i meet up with an old friend who kept tryin to convence me to buy lsd i told him that i had taken it befor and it didnt do anything and that i didnt want any because i belived that it was fake (should of listened to my self) beign the peerpressured indivedual that i am i fianly gave in i ate one hit of lsd around 1030p.m. and was feeling pretty good 45 min later i was all of the sudden all happy and couldent stop smiling the world felt great then i felt panicy allthough i didnt like go in to a severe bad trip i new somthin was wrong i just ignored it and let the lsd wear off well i tryed to lay down and close my eyes but i coudlent fallasleep and my neck hurt so bad a pain that i still feel to day as well as kind of tingleing in my head well i didnt sleep at all the next day i the lsd was just kickign to ass to say the least it was worn off but i was restless i felt very strange and wuld see floaters and i just thought o well when the lsd gets out of my system it will go away well it didnt i rember a week after takign lsd i was sitting out side smoking when i felt different and i uttered the words "unreal" because the world looked it to me and i had experenced a dp moment when i was about 14 at a football game i was talking to my friends when all of the sudden i was looking down upon my self and i was totaly out of my body for about 30 seconds then it wore off well any ways..... i went inside and said ill feel petter in the mornign because it only happend to me once befor and it went away well this was the first time for the dr i never had when my sorroundign felt unreal and i feel as if my actions are beign done by me but i feel distant like the old me is stuck in my head and cant get out like im watching some one else control my body and my memory is poor i cant rember what ive done most of the day i just went on vacation to new mexico to visit my sister thinkign i would feel better and im so ashamed because i cant rember a damn thing that i sould about the vacation or any thing


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## Guest

Glad I found this forum because I was at a loss as to what I was suffering from !!

Basically the DR started i guess 3 years ago. Ive never used MJ but I used to binge drink lots when I was younger. One drinking episode ended in a full blown panic attack although touch wood i havent had any since. Acute alcohol withdrawal seems to be the trigger though.

I noticed on the weekends that I would be walking along and in a dreamworld. I honestly felt like I needed a bucket of water thrown over me to "wake up" - Im not so conscious of it when im at work - probably due to the fact Im too busy to recognize it.

I know this is strange but I eat a lot of spicy foods. Has any one had that "Chilli" buzz where everything goes into a fog after eating too many habaneros (exactly the same as DR) ? Maybe capsaicin triggered the DR although those years ago LOL !

Ive also been suffering with severe exhaustion in the mornings too ? I went to the docs but he said its just lack of exercise which causes fatigue in the morning ? I done a bit of digging and it looks like some kind of Adrenal Fatigue (I think I read somewhere on this forum that DP/DR has adrenal (cortisol) connections ?)

Anyway symptoms for me are :

1. Fatigue AM
2. Sensitivity to noise in the mornings (noise creates a rumbling in my ear) and makes me wince
3. DR throughout the day - worst in mornings possibly ??

Does anyone here think meditation / yoga would help ? My friend does it and says it may alleviate the DR ?

Cheers everyone and thanks for the support !


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## LISA NICHOLS

me too im so glad i finally found this site i'll say it once and i'll say it again if anyone wants to contact me your all welcome xx


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## lies

you all know when it started, 
i don't, at least not the first time
i don't remember a lot of the time i was a child
but i am sure of 5 years i had it, 
(might have been there before, might have been a bit later)
but then it went away (april last year)
now 4 weeks ago it came back, what made it come back
well, i felt good, in those months, very good,
never felt bad (negative feelings) once...
that's the trigger (i guess)
i think maybe migraine had to do something with it too...

xxxx
lies


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## LISA NICHOLS

i cant remember exactly when it begun but must of been 5 or 6 !!!!

i too have migraines and they make it worse i agree!!!


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## dannyJD

Hi,

I've had DP/DR since 1970. It's not depression or anxiety-related. Mine is what you would call 'pure' DR, initiated by meditation, with no comorbidity. You get used to this sort. It fades into the background of your life, only to come to the fore when you think about it. Like a ticking clock, or a wart on the end of your nose. Months can go by without thinking about it at all.

[I don't know why there hasn't been an extensive MRI, PET, or functional-scan study of pure DP. A sample of 50 to 100 people might identify the regions of the brain that show differences from normal. Perhaps direct or magnetic-pulse stimulation, or suppression might illuminate what is going on in those (conjectured) areas. There is a preoccupation with antidepressants.]

Then there is a wistfulness for the years before: what's it like for the world to be real? It's been so long, I can't remember. If there were a drug that would recapture what I had in my childhood and teens, even for a few minutes, I would take it.

Vancouver, Canada


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## enoeht

I'm a 36 year old female who has just recently figured out that I probably have DP. Even sitting here right now typing this in feels ..external. I keep waiting for reality to shift so I can see what I'm really sitting in instead of the room that I can see, but not truly be a part of.

And I know that everything around me, including myself, is real. I'm just always seeing things as if my eyeballs were cameras, and I'm twice removed from the reality infront of my lens.

There are a variety of ways this could have happened. My father was physically abusive and perhaps it was from detaching during his beatings. Or maybe, it was from the bump on the head I took when I was in 2nd grade, because that is the first time I remember looking at my mom and dad and sister, tending to my head while I screamed, and they all looked ..flat. In fact, I don't remember screaming, I just remember hearing it. Weird.

So, now I'm scared. I can't tell anyone in my family, they already find it hard to deal with having a sister with "depression" (if that's even really what it was ever about) and no job because she's afraid to go get one, I'll be the "crazy" sister then. I can't tell my friends because I don't think I could even begin to explain to them that this is how I see the world 24/7. And the RARE times that I don't see the world like this, I think "oooh, you're here!! Ok, see what you can feel, feel what it's like to truly be a part of your body," and suddenly I'm right back in it, and can't feel anything except... fear.

I hope this is the beginning of me being on the right track, and I hope I'm able to find a medical professional in my area who has knowledge of this subject. Man, I'm so scared... and I wish I knew what I was afraid of.


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## dannyJD

Hello enoeht,

If you are looking for a site on DP, this is theone. Your experience sounds related to abuse-dissociation, but I could be wrong. There are many people on this site who are expert on various types of Depersonalization. Just keep exploring here, and discussing and you'll find better answers than mine.


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## ken

Hello

I have just discovered this site - hoping it will help.

I'm 24 and have by my reckoning been suffering from DP/DR 24/7 for the last 5 years. I remember very clearly when it all started: I was on the bus going to college as usual listening to my walkman when I became aware that the music sounded different somehow. Initially I thought it was the volume but that wasn't it - it seemed far away and distant, less resonant. It disturbed me but I didn't know what to do about it.

I was on an art foundation course (preparatory course before university) but I didn't produce one piece of work that I was even slighty pleased with and for me who had loved drawing and making things since I was a kid, this was a big deal. Also I was becoming disturbingly more aware that there was something wrong with me mentally. I felt completely detached from my actions and things seemed to have lost all meaning. Peoples faces looked wrong somehow - even my family and friends. I couldn't read any more because the words seemed dead, just marks on paper. TV, films and music (even stuff I had previously loved) became subdued sound and images.

I went to my doctor who told me that the detached feeling was common and nothing to worry about (!). I didn't question it though because somehow I thought it was just a passing thing - I was always pretty introverted and didn't mind being on my own so I figured I was lacking exercise or something. That wasn't it. Nothing changed and I became increasingly more withdrawn. I would go out at night and just sit in fields on my own or if I was with others just pretend there was nothing wrong which only emphasised my detachment.

At the same time, I started seeing floaters in my vision which make sunny days and brightly lit rooms hellish since they also refract light when they pass over a source. After seeing 3 different opticians and a doctor about it who all told me it was normal, I gave up and just live with them.

As for potential causes, I smoked weed socially but not excessively. I took mushrooms once, didn't like it but was fine the next day. I tried Absinthe on a college trip (this was the most recent event to when it all started). Normal alcohol intake. Tame by most peoples standards but I guess some people are more susceptible than others. Now I just drink occasionally.

Currently I am "studying" in Japan but have failed entry level courses because I can barely take in information. My social life is nearly non-existent and future prospects are grim. I have made "friends" here but I am now pretty much going through the motions and 99% of what I say is feigned interest and fabricated to appear normal.

Having said that, I don't think I am insane. I know that this is reality and I can recognise and do most basic things. The problem is that nothing FEELS real. I am not joking when I say that my dreams are the only place where I feel normal.

I am going to see a doctor this week but I'm finding it hard to be optimistic.


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## ledganteast

n/a


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## endless681

ledganteast said:


> I know exactly how you feel I also had an abusive father and perhaps we learnt to "disconnect" in hard situations from a young age ,it's a very interesting theory.


I can also relate to this kind of situation. I'm a 37 year old female who grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father. When he would start on one of his tirades, I used to imagine that I wasn't really there and that as long as I thought he couldn't see me, he couldn't hurt me. I always felt so numb during those times, and it felt like I was watching those things happen to someone else.

I read a list of symptoms on one of the other boards, and I've experienced just about everything on those lists. From what i can remember, my problems started around the age of 8. By the time I was 15, I felt like a total basket case. I couldn't understand why I didn't think or feel things the way my friends did. A lot of things have happened over the years that have made me question whether or not I'm really a human being. A few years ago, my mom was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer... one that has a very low survival rate. One day, her doctor told our family that there was nothing they could do for her and that we needed to register her for hospice care. Everyone was crying and carrying on, and I just sat there like somebody had been discussing the weather. I felt absolutely nothing. All the way home I kept wondering what was wrong with me, and I felt ashamed because I hadn't had any reaction to the news.

I've had a lot of therapy over the years, and I've tried just about every med on the market, but nothing really seems to help. I'll do ok for a while, then something happens, and I'm right back to where I started. A friend of mine told me about this site, and I'm really glad he did. Although I don't wish this kind of disorder on anyone, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one.


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## StoneGlassWindow

I'm trying to stay focused, so slowly typing out my own story might help.

I've been okay recently, until today. Actually, I think it started yesterday with my feet. They felt different, like they were apart and walking on their own instead of in sync with me. Now, its my hands. I keep shaking them like they are covered in water to get rid of this splitting feeling that they aren't my own.

I now realize that all those poems I wrote about feeling behind a wall of ice and trapped during my teen years was a good indicator, but now I can't excatly recall why I wrote them, or if I feel the same way I do now as I did then.

This really got worse about two years ago. I was fresh out of high school. I married a military guy and got swept off to a new place alone with just me and him. I'm a pretty shy person and was still back then. I was relunctent to get a job or go to school. My husband was stressed out with his career and his new wife, and wanted me to start doing things.

I can't remember excatly how the day went, but I know how me and DP became to really know each other. My husband started playing a certain song on his computer over and over again for hours. It was the song Scars by Papa Roach. He had already mentioned to me how unhappy he was with me how everything was going.

I couldn't take it anymore, I went to our bedroom and shut myself in the closet. But, I couldn't escape the music. I loved music and poetry and writing, and this constant song really hurt me. I'd had panic attacks in the past before this day, so when I started to have one it wasn't anything new, although I tried to calm myself down.

What really hurt afterwards was that I knew he could hear me gasping because I felt like I couldn't breathe and he didn't even try to come and help me. Before when I had attacks there was always someone with me to calm me down. Being alone with one was very scary.

Eventually he pulled me out of the closet and sat me down to have a talk with me like I was a child or something. About all the things he was unhappy about and mentioned divorce. I told him things would change, and they did, but not in the best way.

After that I felt really numb. He picked up life again like nothing ever went wrong.

For a while I thought I had anxiety/depression, until I realized while my husband was deployed that the other things I was going through was not normal. I felt nothing about my relationship with my husband, good or bad. I constantly lost track of time and felt outside of myself. And that's how I found out about DP.


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## Samotrase

Hi - I have to say I was floored to read so many accounts that reflected the same symptoms I felt! Mine started when I was a teen, as some of you, and it was during a marijuana trip. I went totally "out there" with all the feelings of unreality... After that spell was over, I noticed the next few days the same sensation would come back. I'd be so detached from everything....thinking, believeing actually, that I was trully only watching from the outside, as if I existed in a bubble of some sort, and I longed to break out of it and feel normal again. I don't think the marijuana was the main cause - I just think it helped open the door for it. My experience since I was a baby had been of moving from country to country and I think that created an unstable basis for me to start off with. Also, I had a pretty scary car accident when I was 14, so maybe that was part of it. whatever it is, I also know that I can't seem to turn my "imagination" off, and so I spend a LOT of time contemplating the age old questions like "who are we" and WHAT are we" and all that tends to make you feel like you "don't really exist", since no one so far has been able to answer any of those questions, and obessesing over them probably makes you anxious, frustrated and we can go on from there. So I don't know what came first - the DP/DR or my acute anxiety.... I have, for years now, had anxiety disorder and have to keep it in check or it will drain me of all my energy. I have, since the first episode, felt this come and go. It's just too freaky. As I read about DP and DR I was amazed at how the symptoms were, most of them, exactly what I had felt! But it's a great relief to read all your stories, because it makes me believe more and more that this is way more common than we ever knew, and that it is a disorder of some sort yes, mayber not even that, maybe we're just overly gifted with creativity and intelligence! But all I know is, I know how you guys feel and I am so glad to have found you. All my best to you all,
Love,
Sam


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## Sunshine Spirit

Hey Sam! Welcome! This is such a brilliant place to make good friends, to share problems, to feel loved and to feel better. You'll learn a heck of a lot, thanks to all the caring people here.

Now you know what my beloved Freedom looked like (My avatar). Wasn't she beautiful? *Sniffs*

Speak to you soon.

Love,

Sunshine X


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## Samotrase

SUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dang it, I only just saw this!! THANKS. Hey, your Freedom was indeed a beauty - what a SWEET expression. 
We'll be in touch - I still wanna phone ya. Thanks again for everything.
I've been reading here and it's amazing to see how many people go through this ordeal. I feel less alone now tho. Love ya.
Samo


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## admeaz0123

A lot of your stories involve doing some sort of drug. I have never taken drugs and I think I have DP. I wanted to share my story to see if anyone else can identify with it. If anyone has any comments they can respond to me. My DP started when I was 8. I was watching TV and all of a sudden it hit me. My surroundings seemed like a set and I no longer felt like I was me. I was quite young and this scared me. For months after I constantly felt like I was 2 people: the person I was in my body and the person I was that didn't physically look like me that was watching me from outside my body. It went away and returned when I was around 12. I am 18 now and it hasn't stopped since. It has progressively gotten worse. I've been changing everything in my life hoping that a different situation will change my mood but it never does. I've been through 4 jobs in the past 2 months. I kept quitting because I felt like my co workers could hear my thoughts. I felt like customers were paid to come in and pretend to be ordering something and it was just a set up. I remember exactly what I say and I hear everything as I say it but I can never believe that the voice is coming from within me. I now work in cosmetics and I'm constantly surrounded my mirrors at my job. This make everything so much worse because I have seen myself in the mirrors many times and didn't recognise myself. I've headed towards the reflection thinking it was a customer to help but I catch myself first. Everything is mechanical. At the end of the day I can't remember what I did but as soon as I'm alone I replay everything. For hours I sit alone and replay ever detail and I analyze everything and question everything. I am afraid to go to work because everyone around me is reading my mind and they know there's something wrong with me. It's all a set. At my job it gets slow sometimes and for hours I can just be standing around waiting for customers and while I wait I watch everything and it all looks so fake. I'm taking 4 or 5 breaks a day now because I can't handle it anymore. I need to be alone to get away from the set up. I can't walk around outside because I've become afraid or litter. I see litter and I think about who put it there and why they put it there and why they didn't pick it, how much global warming is being caused by it, etc. I drive myself insane with how much I question things. I am also moving out of my parents home because I'm finding it difficult to believe that my family is really my family. I don't believe that my parents created me. I feel no bond to them and I know that should hurt but it doesn't bother me. The biggest problem for me now is that I'm in a relationship for nearly 8 months. It's my first relationship and we're engaged so I plan on it being my only relationship. I didn't tell him until recently about DP because we kept fighting about the moods I was in or the crazy things I would do. I believe I also have OCD. There are many examples I could give but one that tipped my boyfriend off was when we slept in the basement one night I woke up half a dozen times to move the mattress around the room because the air around me was trapping me in myself. I felt like I was suffocating so we re arranged the mattress over and over. Finally he gave up and we slept on the couch. I'm worried that he won't be able to handle me.. We're fighting a lot about this now and I don't know what to do. I don't have enough money to see a specialist. What can I do? Could my regular doctor perscribe me medication for this? Please contact me if you have any suggestions. Thanks for reading. I hope that anything I said has helped someone.


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## Incubus311

I believe my dp/dr started sometime last year when i decided to drink a bottle of robotussin and smoked a few bowls with one of my friends(very bad choice). Everything was kewl for about an hour after doin both of the drugs but then things started gettin really weird for me. I started monitoring everything i was doing that night and it felt like every motion or movement i did was awkward. I had one scary thought/emotion and my mind went into combustion mode of fear/panic/paranoia and i thought that i was gonna die. This made my heart rate VERY fast and that scared me even more... I tried to calm down and go to bed but i couldnt sleep at all.. I stayed up for a few hours just laying in bed thinking that im gonna die... I believe this was the night that started everything because this was the first night that i had all these crazy/obsessive about life and death but i eventually fell asleep but when i woke up the next morning, everything felt very dreamlike. I was very aware of everything and i kept checking to see how fast my heart was going and just thinking about checkin my pulse raised my heartrate.... Over the passed year since that night, ive just been in this really messed up state of mind. I used to be a very open, funny, hyper kid before this night but now i can barely talk to people because i just dont know what to say to them. Even my once VERY close friends. Theres nothin really goin on in my head for thoughts. I cant think abstractly or ideas just dont flow for me anymore. Ive built up a big anxiety problem. I cant connect with people on a more personal level anymore which makes me feel very alone and isolated from the rest of the world. I tend to see tracers alot in my peripheral vision as if im more sensitive. I believe i can see aura's on trees and other objects sometimes but i know its just my MIND that believes it. Its really messed up... I either think very deep or i dont think at all. I can think clearly when im alone but i cant think at all in social situations.... i feel so alone here.

If anybody has experienced ANYTHING or SOMETHING like this, please email me and tell me your experience. [email protected] thanks.


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## oliverhopkinson

dudes, my name is oli, im 20 year old, go to university, and feel like sh*t. it started 2 and a half years ago after a really bad cannabis trip. since then i havnt felt myself. like im watching my life rather than living it. i have regular panic attacks, i stuggle to sleep and cannot deal with situations that raise my eart rate. as you can imagine im misrable. if anyone has been through what i am going through or knows of anything that can help then i would LOVE to hear from you. I feel like im on the edge and cannot cope anymore.
much love!
Oli


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## Mazzy

In there. She?s in there somewhere.

The hazy light seems to trail in a path of human form, one second down, two seconds to the left. Or is it right? I push in, looking for her. Feeling for that girl, that young girl, that woman, that sister and wife, that daughter almost middle-aged, but still a small child on a high-kicking swing in summertime. Or on a floatie boatie. Or laying in small ocean current, the warm, trapped flows of a natural anomaly swifting along her shoulders and arms, pushing her further inside?or away? I keep thinking she is lost. I keep thinking that only hypnosis will pull her out from the quick and the sand. I keep thinking some traumatic stress induced this post disorder, but I cannot locate it. I keep thinking. And thinking.

And then I walk. Past barberry and filthy things and a whole slew of ultra-tall and ultra-impeding green palms. It?s a mess in this wood, full of overgrown things, large bushy nests growing from the ground, full of high pines that block the sun. And then, all at once, it clears, and there is nothing but a path. A brown, flat, plain path in a warm and glowing red-brown world. It weaves in betweens clean, firm trees with ordinary bark. I can see the trail as if there is nothing else to see ? so perfect, so absolute, so stunning. So real. And then, I catch her ? or a glimpse of her anyway ? not as real?the hazy light in a trail of human form as her silly laughter fizzles further beyond my reach. She?s teasing me, or testing me, not sure which. It is as if she is saying, ?I am the child.?

I am the child. I am a child. A child.

?And I want to go home.? But, she runs away from me. So far from me that she cannot hear me call her back to the place she belongs, back to the summer sun and the peach trees. I, as an adult, can bring her home. But she doesn?t trust me. Why should she? When we were six and playing with salamanders by the stream, we made promises to never change. To never work like mom always did. To never grow up. To never be angry or sad or afraid, like she was. When we were twelve, we said we?ll become a writer and tell stories from home. We said we?d never have to leave home. We said, ?But if we decide we want to leave home, it will be on a walking adventure across the country, living off of the land. Walking alone, with a pad and a pencil and a dream.? At sixteen, we said we would live with absolute conviction.

I lied. Of course I lied. Normal people don?t hibernate in a cave in the winter. Normal people don?t build lean-tos in the woods and live there so no one can see them, with only berries and the occasional toasted rabbit for nourishment. Normal people don?t skip town, check out from society. How did Thoreau get away with it? Did no one love him? Did no one really give a damn where he was or whether he survived? My parents ? well, my mother anyway ? would have lost her heart over it. Sane people don?t want to be detached from everything. Not like I did. I mean, she. We.

She?s still in there. I see her sometimes when we?re at the beach. Or on a picnic with my little boy husband and the green, green grass of home. But, she?s a free spirit, and I?m just a cage.


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## Ayem

When I was younger, I had a huge imagination. When a 'depersonalization' thing happened, I thought it was me predicting the future. Silly, I know. But because everything seemed so surreal, it made sense back then. Because I thought it was 'magic', and I couldn't tell my parents, I didn't get any medical help.  I suffered from this since my first depersonalization in gym, year 4, 2000, and they kept building in frequency until there were happening up to three times a day, everyday. But still, I thought it was just my magical powers. No one knew, 'cause on the outside everything felt fine, and I acted normally.
Depression struck soon after.
I'm happy to report that after seeing a doctor and getting treatment a few months ago, I am feeling alot better.

That felt good to get out.


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## Guest

Who's Janinebaker? (Auto lock thread....lol :lol: )


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## lovestorms

I have had these symptoms for years now. I'm 39 and it started when I was a teenager: I feel as if my life is a book. I'm the author and I'm narrating the story, my story. I actually dream that way too. I can actually hear myself talking as if I am a narrator in my dreams when I wake up and remember bits of the dream. (The space when you wake up from a dream and you're not really awake.)

I know that what I'm feeling is not based on reality. I've read all the psych books and done the self help routine, inner child therapy, counseling, hypnosis, medications, listening to motivation speakers, etc. It works for a while, say maybe a month or two..but it comes back, still I remain the same. Not feeling real. I actually at one point thought I was a ghost. In my early 20's I remember walking down the street and feeling as if people were real and I wasn't. I wondered if they could see me. That was the worst feeling, very scary.

Needing to focus on things to prove that I'm real. For example: walking along anywhere and I start to feel "foggy" I concentrate on a flower or just something that's near me, to ground myself in reality. When it first started the "fog" used to terrify me. I was afraid that I would just go further into the fog. I used to feel afraid about it but now it's just a normal everyday thing for me, I just do it automatically.

Feeling as if everyone around me "forgets" that I'm here. Out of sight out of mind. I'm always surprised that people call me up just to talk because I feel as if I"m forgettable. The "ghost" thingy.

In the middle of doing something or in a conversation with someone and I forget simple words or what I'm doing. Feeling spaced out. Trance. It's really frustrating, embarrassing and scary. So sometimes I don't talk at all because of this. I think people think I'm on heavy duty drugs or something.

I go through periods where I'm feeling nothing at all, like a zombie. I'm going through everyday life and I feel nothing. No feelings at all. I can see a mugging or someone being beat up in front of me and I'll just go, "oh ok, this is happening in front of me. I should feel something about it. I should feel fear or something but I don't." Just not feeling danger when there is danger around me. No fear at all.

When I'm "narrating" and going through life, like say, a relationship. I actually push myself to feel things. "I know if I do this, this will hurt but maybe it won't so do it anyways and see what happens". Like I'm a test dummy or something. Like an OBSERVER. Separate, outside of myself.

Feeling paranoid. Extremely sometimes. I tell myself that what people think of me does not matter blah blah blah and most of the time that works (feeling nothing) but then the paranoia sets in. I'm alone alot, well be honest, all the time. I cannot seem to have a "normal" relationship because of these symptoms. Sometimes I force myself to be in a friendship or any kind of relationship because it's the normal thing to do.

There is so much more but these seem to be the top ones that I go through. There are long periods at a time where I feel normal and everything is wonderful. I'm outgoing, very social and like being around people. But I've learned not to develop relationships while in that "normal" state because I know I'll come out of it and be the "unreal" me. They'll expect me to be the person that I was. Now I'll have to force myself to care about them. But people sense forced feeling from me after awhile and stay away.I can easily disassociate myself from people. People that I'm close to one day, the "unreal" feeling comes and they are put aside. Cast aside.

The fog is the worst. I can be feeling perfectly fine, then all of sudden everything feels gray. I can't seem to shake it. No matter what I do. You know the things people tell you to do. The well meaning people that say "get over it" in a polite way then proceed to tell you what to do to get out of it. I follow some of their advice but still, when I'm in the gray state nothing helps. Think of an everyday scene and then pour heavy molasses over that picture. It's like being sucked into a vortex and there's nothing to hold onto. You know it's coming but you can't seem to hold on. That is the gray for me.

I'm just at a loss of what to do now. More therapy? I'm sick and tired of talking about my past all the time. Aren't you supposed to talk about it, then it will get better? It does for awhile but then the "unreal gray" feeling comes back. Very frustrating, maddening, saddening... Will it ever go away?


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## voku

hi everyone. i'm 16 and come from Estonia. found this site by chance recently, very happy about that.
my problems started when the Matrix came out, not quite sure what year that was  
i was a pretty exceptional kid, didn't socialise much, spent much of my time reading etc., so I think that I had this active imagination that caused me to react like I did. Basically, saw the film, flipped, have been so ever since.
Noone seems to be able to describe what dp or dr feel like. And I think this is normal. The perceptions of humans (qualia I think is the fancy term) cannot be accurately described by words. Imho, describing dp/dr to "normal" people is like describing the color red to a blind person, cannot be done. I also think this is the reason people underestimate this condition. So anyway, I have been suffering from this shit for 6-7 years now and I have reason to believe it will never go away. But I don't think that is necessarily all bad. I think this condition lets a person experience the world in deeper ways than a normal person could. That is at least the case with me. I have - as a result of having this pressing need to rationalize the way I feel - thought about free will, the nature of reality, the human mind, read all these philosophical texts etc, so I think there is a positive side to this.  
Of course, as everyone says, it's great to know you are not alone.


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## voku

to lovestorms: I have the same emotional detachment. It feels like I have this cynical narrator inside who knows no taboos, no limits, who mocks everything I do. How can you keep up a relationship like that? I recently broke up with my girl, and I deeply regret not telling her about my condition. Keeping up this seemingly normal front is of course the logical thing to do but eventually the contrast between the image and the real feelings just grows too big.


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## Catherine

hello, I'm soooo glad I found this site! I only found out about DP last night! I had enough of this strange feeling I was having, like living in a movie/dream, does that sound like DP to you guys?. I mainly get feelings that nothing is real, that I dont really love my boyfriend and I say I love you just because I think thats what I should be saying, I smile because I think im expected to smile, go to work because i'm expected to etc etc. But half the time I'm in such a daze, and it seems to be getting worse, esp when i'm stressed. I've been having these feelings for about two years now, after a particually stressfull time in my life. I tried explaining it to my partner, but its the most difficult thing to explain to someone who can't grasp the same feelings. 
Does anyone have any tips on how to ease it? Sometimes I feel like im losing my mind and wasting my life in the process!

thanks 
Catherine
x


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## g00SE

i used to smoke weed but then i stopped, and a few weeks later i went to a concert and the night before i didnt get alot of sleep, i hadnt eaten for 10 hours when i went to the concert, and i was kind of anxious. at the concert i had my first panic attack and it was terrible i thought i was having a heart attack. And for a bit more than 3 months ive had constant depersonalization, but when i am watchin tv,playing xbox,or on the computer i feel completely fine but the second i look away from one of them the DP kicks in again.Any suggestions??????


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## Miniskinny

Hello Depersonalized World,
I am new to this forum, and would like to say that I am very glad to have found this place. 
My depersonalization began as early as when I was 13-14 years old; I can remember during basketball games I would sometimes get into the depersonalized state, however at most it would last until the end of the game. Fast-forward--I'm 19 now, soon to be twenty, and have been dealing with near-constant depersonalization for about a year, only having recently discovered what exactly it is that I've been dealing with. I had searched on the internets for a very long time, trying to figure out what exactly I was dealing with, because I felt like I was going crazy. 
Like many others' stories that I've read, my depersonalized onset was catalyzed by an incident with marijuana that was extremely psychologically terrifying. I had been smoking somewhat regularly prior to the incident, however what I had been smoking had not been nearly as potent as the marijuana that induced my depersonalization. I took one hit, and the rest of the night consisted of my friends telling me I'm nuts while I watched everything from third-person. 
Anyhoo, I'm really glad to have found out what my disorder is--even just finding out what it is, and finding resources has made me feel significantly better about things.
For any advice I can offer, I guess I can say a few things having dealt with this disorder entirely on my own for the last year;
use of ADD-medicine (Methylphenidate, Amphetamine, Adderall, Etc.) will definitely make you feel more crazy--I base this on a lot of internet research that I've done, finding that a significant amount of persons participating in the double-blind surveys reported a significant onset of feelings of mental instability when dosed with Amphetamines and other isomeric relatives of it. I'd also say that the best medicine is the formation of a strong mind--over time, you *will* get used to this disorder, and you'll become stronger because of it. I've found that I can study longer, work out harder, and be a better friend because I feel detached from myself and am better able to cope with physical problems. Make this disorder your strength, use it for your advantage, instead of allowing it to take over your life and all of your thought processes. You'll still get the moments of "Oh my god why does everything seem like it's so weird" and "Oh man this feels so unreal it's really scary", but push on! You will get through it, and you will see better times. 
I've also found that using small amounts or weak marijuana will relieve symptoms temporarily, however they will onset all the harder when you come down. So my message is simple---Don't smoke weed. I wish it wasn't this way, for all the other effects of marijuana are great, however it's really important that anyone who suffers from this disorder quits smoking weed. This, I believe, will speed up the process of becoming more mentally-stable.
Anyhow, it's great to have found a place to read more on this disorder, and I thank you all for providing and contributing to this haven.
-Mini


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## peachy

you sound really cool miniskinny  
welcome


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## Zoey

Hello,

My name is Zoey. I'll tell you a bit about my dx history. I was a shy kid, come from a shy family. My father and mother both seem to have social anxiety disorder. Around age 17 I had my first full blown depersonalization experience (I always felt a bit detached emotionally at the same time prone to being overly sensitive and empathizing with others a bit much) that was pretty scary to me at the time.

I was working as a cashier at Longs Drug store. There were bright flourescent lights above the registers. Whenever I looked at them brightly colored bubbles floated around them in my eyes. It was my 2nd week or so on the job. A line started to form at my register. I felt panicked and couldn't remember how to page more cashiers to the registers. I couldn't remember how to do a price check. I couldn't remember where the list of sale items was or how to look them up. Bagging the items seemed beyond my capabilities. An attractive male customer in his late 20's or early 30's said hello to me and I blushed so intensely I knew that he could see it. Suddenly I felt light headed and as though I were outside of my body. I couldn't breath and I had an urge to lay down on the ground, curl up in a ball, and never get up. I feared that I might do just that. I thought, "I'm going insane. This is what it feels like to be insane." I was almost excited about it, like sort of experiencing that feeling outside of myself too.

I had a few more incidences, not as scary as the first one, but still enough to make me quit that job. These feelings returned when I got a job at a department store and at the time I though the thing those two jobs had in common was that they were dealing with the public and I was trapped behind a counter and felt like I couldn't get away. I realized a few years later that the flourescent lighting had a big part in triggering the depersonalization after I went into a conference room by myself to wait for a friend at his job and I was alone and there was a huge flouresent light above my chair and I instantly started to feel like I was floating outside of myself.

Anyone else have flourescent lighting trigger depersonalization?


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## jennifermc123

I have had anxiety I guess all my life. I smoked some pot about three years ago and it caused me to have the worst panic attack ever.. I didn't know what it was I thought I was dying...so three years later I am finally okay thinking I can beat this. I have always obsessed that I am gonna be schizophrenic oneday. My grandmother on my moms side supposedly was so I was scared to death. Here lately I have been feeling like I am not me.. I'm not myself. That i'm lost... is this depersonalzation or am I crazy...


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## Lauren

Hello everyone
Basically I Have believed for about 12 years that everything I see is unreal, or imagined. It's very hard on me because I love my family and boyfriend but I cant seem to get myself to believe they are really there and that makes me feel very alone. The thought that everything I see is unreal is with me 24 7. When I want to do something or have to go to work I think, whats the point if nothings really there. I cant decide if everything is unreal, if Im stuck in a dream or if I'm just crazy. I can totally relate to the other posts on here and I am so glad that other people can share there stories. Oh yeh and when I was about 19 I fell into a terrible Heroin addiction. I felt it was better than killing myself. Im at the point now where I cant take it anymore and if nothing has changed over the past 12 years what can I expect to change now?


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## Alice Wonderland

Hi everyone, I'm 33, I found out last year, after 20 years of hell, that I had DP/DR. It was such a shock and huge relief to finally have a diagnosis that fitted with all that I had been experiencing over the years. After many misdiagnoses, dozens of medications, suicide attempts, in-patient stays and lots of therapy, I finally feel at peace with myself.

Over the years things have slowly improved but the last year, since finding out I wasn't actually schizophrenic after all, my symptoms have really improved no end. After years of constant DP, I now can go days without experiencing anything weird at all. Experiencing strong emotions has been difficult to handle but I know it is part of the healing process so I just go with the flow. I no longer see professionals for my DP and take no medication at all. When I start feeling anxious, I meditate, exercise and this may sound strange, but I go hug a tree!


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## Gundly

Smoked marijuana, never been here since.


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## Kitr

It happened after i smoked a marihuana


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## Carlyisdreaming

Hi, I'm Carly. Up until about a month ao I lived a generally happy and normal life until I smoked weed and drank one night. The next morning when I woke up I felt like I was incredibly stoned, maybe even more so than the night before, but I didn't think mch of it and went to work a few hours later. Everything was going alright at work for the first couple hours until I started to literally lose control of myself, I felt like I was going to pass out. It was so scary. Ever since then I've had depersonilization. I can't concentrate on anything, I"m losing all my friends, and I feel like I"m slowly falling off a neverending cliff. Every day has become a massive struggle. I want this all to end, I want to go back to being the person I was before. I question ever second of the day if things are real. I find conversations with people to be immensely diffecult. Would you guys reccomend medication or do you think it would just make it worse?


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## kcjddd03

well, when i was about 17, i smoked some marijuana with friends. i got in my car and driving home, i suffered a major panic attack. i clearly remember to this day. i stopped in the middle of the road, got out of my car and ran circles around it till i felt like i could drive home. that night i told my brother and my cousin about it. i can remember laying in bed literally thinking the ceiling was coming down on me. for a few days after that, i felt really weird. weeks later, i had crying spells and just felt bad. i can only assume i was depressed. my dad was at work and Bush 42 was visiting my home town and wanted me to come see him. i did. a few weeks later, i felt better. i was working in the landscape maintenance industry and remember riding on a mower and literally crying my eyes out. i felt like crap. i had these feelings of not being connected to my surroundings. anyway, this went on for about three years. i managed to continue living with this some how. i got married and all the good stuff. in 1995, i was hospitalized and was diagnosised with bipolar disorder. i was in the hospital for 28 days and as an outpatient for another 28 days. was prescribed alot of meds but, none of them ever took that disconnected feeling away. i was treated for two years for this and thought i was doing ok. in jan 1998 was hospitalized again and diagnosised with ocd with panic disorder. was prescribed different meds, i was treated with these till i quit taking them in 2000. i went through a divorce in 2000, lost everything including my job. during this time i still dealt with derealization although not really fullblown like the previous times i had been hospitalized. i somehow managed to function, i guess it was there in the background somewhere i just didnt notice it as much. as of today, i am currently going through a full blown ocd bout with the deralization and panic disorder. this has been going on now for about month and half or longer. i have also been in that derealized state as i was before. i am depressed over having these constant feelings and dealing with the ocd.(i am a pure o form of ocd). i honestly believe that my anxiety condition and deralization depersonalization what ever the hell you want to call was caused by that one lil joint that night. im not saying my whole life since then has been bad cause i have had some good times and stuff but, it could have been better. i am going to my doctor on monday and i am going to suggest we try klonopin, zoloft, and lamiictal. it seems like this combo has worked for a bunch of people and i feel if nothing else, maybe get my ocd and anxiety under control where i can at least live somewhat of a normal life. sorry to be so long winded here, this is really the first time i have ever vented this to anyone. if i could somehow relieve the dp/dr i can keep everything else in check. i want it to be 20,30,40,hell even 10 percent better would be dramatic for me.


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## pancake

Hi, 
I am female, from Europe and in my mid twenties.

I have experienced episodic DP/DR as far back as I can remember (which is approx. age 3). Frequently I could not feel the ground underneath my feet and felt as if I were hovering a couple of inches in the air. I would not recognize myself in the mirror, although I knew intellectually that this stranger was me. I felt as if I were wearing a costume, an ill-fitting skin suit, and observed myself clearly as a seperate entity to this body. My vision was pretty bad as it was (physical causes) but I would often experience the world around me as if seen through a narrow visor, which reinforced my impression of seperateness to my body. Occasionally I would view scenes I was a part of from the outside, standing behind myself or looking on from above like an observer. My internal voice has always been very distinct and at times unnaturally loud, frequently admonishing myself for any and all mistakes I made. In bed at night I would think in circles, pondering my own existance and the vastness of space. After coming across the doppelgaenger mythos I harboured fears that I was an imposter, a parasite who had ripped my parents' true daughter right out of her body and took her place. I knew this explanation was as silly as thinking my teddy was alive would have been, but it left me fearful and guilty nonetheless.

Just as puberty set in, at 12 or 13 I began to slowly sink into more pronounced DP/DR and becoming depressed, gradually worsening until I was 15, at which point I had little social contact outside of necesssity (school and parents) anymore. Frequency of DP/DR increased and more and more often I would spend hours or days just going through the motions. I saw these times as a relief at first. Devoid of personal thoughts my energy was expended only on controlling my facial expression and movements. I felt like a puppeteer pulling muscles like strings to animate my body and create a semblance of normalcy for my parents. Colours were muted and flat giving the appearance of a black and white world. I could no longer taste food and my attention span was diminished to the point where I could no longer read. Self-harm became a way of aleviating symptoms for short periods. I was certain I was losing control, losing my mind. I felt incomplete, as if I had lost myself but could not remember who I had been in the first place.

I went into therapy, took the prescriptions for a couple of years. In the end I decided I'd rather not. I have experienced DP/DR periodically over the past ten years but it never quite returned to the levels I experienced as a teen. Usually it is most pronounced when the days get shorter, with sensory overload leading into a dissociative winter. Completing long-term projects invariably leads into a void for me and brings on a few weeks or months of cotton-wool clad unreality. Other than the above DP/DR has always been quite a benign conditions for me, only rarely disrupting my life overly or at least not for very long periods at a time.


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## voidvoid

Wow. Just...wow. Your story is gripping and fascinating and familiar and sad (in no particular order) to the point that I felt I was reading a well-written book. I dont know when, if ever, I?ve read someones writing that made me feel like I knew that person like this. It?s funny because earlier I was reading your post in the "favorite movies" thread and I was thinking "thats like most of my favorite movies aswell". I can only wish to one day be able to write like you.

Welcome to the forum, I sincerely hope you stick around.


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## pancake

Thanks Inzom. 
I was being a terrible employee and playing with the post at work on and off throughout the day before submitting it.


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## ccatali1

Janinebaker said:


> We are in the process of restoring our story section. It includes personal accounts of how our dp symptoms started, a little personal history of the journey towards recovery.
> 
> Some stories are tales in process - recovery not reached yet...
> 
> Others such as my own, are tales of total recovery.
> 
> Please tell us your own.
> 
> And check back here later in the week for some others!
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine


I cannot figure out how to work the introducing myself page or anything else on this forum for that matter. Maybe I am too old.. haha. I have been living with dp now for 35 years. It started when I was 19 and I had an abortion. I feel as if I am living outside of my body. It is living hell. I am on medication; zoloft and have been for years. I have also tried cymbalta and pristique. Pristique is working pretty well for me, actually, in combination with the zoloft. I have a daughter but she doesn't live with me. She is twenty four and lives with my parents. I have also seen many therapists but they never really help. I just live with it day in and day out. I didn't realize that there were other people with this disorder.


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## ccatali1

Hi: I finally figured how to post my story. My name is Candi and I have a very long story to tell. At the age of 19, after an abortion, I started to feel "displaced" and having "out of body experiences" in the morning, middle of the day, then in the evening. The whole out of body experience continued to take over me within a month or so until I felt like I was in a fog all of the time, and I also feel like the walls are moving around me. It is a terrible, terrible feeling. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't care if I died. I even lost all of my appetite. No one ever believes that, though. I just eat because I have to and food tastes good. Also, I just want to act and seem normal like everyone else.

I married at the age of 25 to a black man but then he left me for another woman and I was hospitalized. Actually, I had seen therapists when I was younger for anxiety.
When my husband cheated on me, I felt like crap so I immediately started another relationship with another man. I had my daughter with him and he also left me. My daughter and I left him and moved in with my parents.

When I moved in with my parents I met another man, whom I thought I loved. I married him and he became abusive; I guess that I was always looking to get "punished" so sometimes I didn't care that I was being abused.

I also stopped eating for awhile because I was in this abusive relationship and did get real thin and gross looking. I did have a child whom I love dearly and dragged her into the abusive relationship. One day, though, I took my stuff and her and left the guy. That was the smartest thing I ever did besides having her. She is twenty-four now. I met another guy who helped me a lot by sort of looking out for me and helping me with stuff. He is now my husband. We decided we were done with New York and moved to San Diego. It tore me apart to leave my daughter but the sunshine and mountains in San Diego helped. My husband lost his job so we moved to Tennessee. It is better because we live closer to my family. Thank-God for my family because they are always there for me. I have a job here as a special education assistant to a child with autism. It makes me feel good to work with kids with special needs. I have a masters degree in physical education and I did teach p.e. for about six years so I guess I am not doing too bad. There are days when I feel elated, I have no symptoms of dp and those are my good days. I can get into a good mood and joke around with people. I exercise alot and I hang out with friends like normal people so I do try to have a life instead of feeling sorry for myself. I also have a dog whom I love like a child. The sunshine helps me: decent amount of sleep, not smoking anything, (and caffiene always helps).

I have seen many therapists and psychiatrists but they usually don't help. I take zoloft to keep me from going off the deep end. I have been taking it for about fifteen years now. I have also started taking pristique. It seems to help a little.

I am very surprised that there are other people with this disorder. It didn't seem like it was a common disorder. There is always talk about bi polar depression and schizophrenia but not too much about this disorder. I have read alot about it and the books say that it happens after a trauma so I am pretty sure that the abortion was it. I enjoyed reading the story by pancake and have also read the book, Feeling Unreal. It was wierd to read about what was happening to me so I basically stopped reading about it. Also, my mother was a real pushy person who always made me play in sports. She meant well and that kept me off drugs, but she was kind of mean. I always wonder if she has anything to do with my disorder.

Well, that is my story. I am very glad that there is a support group for me. Thanks for reading and I look forward to any comments.


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## kaylahshmaylah

Hi, I'm not really sure how to write on these forums, but I'm going to give it a try. I'm fifteen years old, I got peer-pressured into smoking weed one time, and the experience made me never want to do it again. I felt like I left my entire body and it was a horrible feeling. I began feeling like I was in a dream constantly. I went to a doctor, and she was certain my depersonalization was from "stress" caused from my parents divorce. She put me on some pills called "SAMe" pills, they seem to be helping me a little bit with not feeling so depressed, and actually becoming motivated for every day. My depersonalization really took a toll on me..I became home schooled because I felt like people could see something was wrong with me. I became very paranoid, always feeling like something bad was going to happen, and like nothing was real. I am trying very hard to overcome depersonalization disorder, but at the same time it's extremely hard trying to live a normal teenage life. I don't like to tell my friends what is wrong with me, because unless you actually have the disorder, it is hard to understand what it's like for other people. I have been depersonalized for about three months now, sometimes worse than others, but I am hoping to get rid of that numbness feeling in my hands, and get my normal state of mind back soon.


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## Bradd

kaylahshmaylah said:


> Hi, I'm not really sure how to write on these forums, but I'm going to give it a try. I'm fifteen years old, I got peer-pressured into smoking weed one time, and the experience made me never want to do it again. I felt like I left my entire body and it was a horrible feeling. I began feeling like I was in a dream constantly. I went to a doctor, and she was certain my depersonalization was from "stress" caused from my parents divorce. She put me on some pills called "SAMe" pills, they seem to be helping me a little bit with not feeling so depressed, and actually becoming motivated for every day. My depersonalization really took a toll on me..I became home schooled because I felt like people could see something was wrong with me. I became very paranoid, always feeling like something bad was going to happen, and like nothing was real. I am trying very hard to overcome depersonalization disorder, but at the same time it's extremely hard trying to live a normal teenage life. I don't like to tell my friends what is wrong with me, because unless you actually have the disorder, it is hard to understand what it's like for other people. I have been depersonalized for about three months now, sometimes worse than others, but I am hoping to get rid of that numbness feeling in my hands, and get my normal state of mind back soon.


Same thing with me kayla, I'm 16 and also feel people know that there is something wrong with me but just wont tell me. But once in my art class my friend said, ' Brad knows he's retarded you don't need to tell him that' and everything went quiet lol. I didn't know if he was joking or not but I wanted to kick the shit out of him for saying that lol. I do have tons of friends though who don't ever say stuff like that or treat me like a retard. It's mainly the people I don't know. Because before this DP i was popular and outgoing. But yeah i feel your pain







. Don't really know what caused mine, really don't know anything that was stressful when i got it. Besides smoking weed lol. If you read this, add me on aim - Bradgetzdown or Msn - [email protected] if you have it








Bye.


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## jnsx

Janinebaker said:


> We are in the process of restoring our story section. It includes personal accounts of how our dp symptoms started, a little personal history of the journey towards recovery.
> 
> Some stories are tales in process - recovery not reached yet...
> 
> Others such as my own, are tales of total recovery.
> 
> Please tell us your own.
> 
> And check back here later in the week for some others!
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine


----------



## WANTTOBEBETTER

pancake said:


> Hi,
> I am female, from Europe and in my mid twenties.
> 
> I have experienced transient DP/DR as far back as I can remember (which is approx. age 3). Frequently I could not feel the ground underneath my feet and felt as if I were hovering a couple of inches in the air. I would not recognize myself in the mirror, although I knew intellectually that this stranger was me. I felt as if I were wearing a costume, an ill-fitting skin suit, and observed myself clearly as a seperate entity to this body. My vision was pretty bad as it was (short-sighted, astigmatism, lazy-eye) but I would often experience the world around me as if seen through a narrow visor, which reinforced my impression of seperateness to my body. Occasionally I would view scenes I was a part of from the outside, standing behind myself or looking on from above like an observer. My internal voice has always been very distinct and at times unnaturally loud, frequently admonishing myself for any and all mistakes I made. In bed at night I would think in circles, pondering my own existance and the vastness of space. After coming across the doppelgaenger mythos I harboured fears that I was an imposter, a parasite who had ripped my parents' true daughter right out of her body and took her place. I knew this explanation was as silly as thinking my teddy was alive would have been, but it left me fearful and guilty nonetheless.
> 
> Just as puberty set in, at 12 or 13 I began to slowly sink into more pronounced DP/DR and becoming depressed, gradually worsening until I was 15, at which point I had little social contact outside of necesssity (school and parents) anymore. Frequency of DP/DR increased and more and more often I would spend hours or days just going through the motions. I saw these times as a relief at first. Devoid of personal thoughts my energy was expended only on controlling my facial expression and movements. I felt like a puppeteer pulling muscles like strings to animate my body and create a semblance of normalcy for my parents. Colours were muted and flat giving the appearance of a black and white world. I could no longer taste food and my attention span was diminished to the point where I could no longer read. Self-harm became a way of aleviating symptoms for short periods. I was certain I was losing control, losing my mind, desperate for help but reluctant to open up to my parents. I finally told them about my depression when I was 16. I don't think I ever mentioned any of the DP/DR to them, feeling that I was putting them through enough just being depressed.
> 
> After a visit to the family GP my thyroid was examined, I was prescribed Xanor for anxiety and I was referred to a therapist. I went twice a week, the best two days in each week by far. My therapist suggest I also start a course of anti-depressants and referred me to a psychiatrist. I found her to be a horrible woman, who whenever I wasn't feeling as if I were dead already actually made me long for that state. She put me on Paroxetine (SSRI) and Olanzapine (atypical antipsychotic) as well as Buspirone (anxiotic). I was diagnosed with moderate-severe neurotic depression by my therapist and with severe neurotic depression by the psychiatrist at lightning speed. Like my Mother the psychiatrist felt I should be hospitalized. Thankfully, my therapist was opposed to this course of action and eventually won that particular argument.
> 
> The depression began to lift soon after I started Paroxetine but feelings of unreality became more noticeable to me, probably due to the lack of other symptoms. I felt incomplete, as if I had lost myself but could not remember who I had been in the first place. I eventually confided in my therapist, who showed me a few exercises to help with these feelings of dissociation (some form of touching exercises to help feel more contained within my body). I broke off therapy eventually, especially as even DP/DR slowly lessened in severity and rather than being continuous it returned to being only episodic.
> 
> While we never reached any particular conclusion my therapist like myself felt that our meetings were no longer necessary. Over the course of the following year all drugs prescribed for the depression and anxiety were discontinued. I left the country the next year and have been living in England eversince.
> 
> I have experienced DP/DR periodically over the past ten years. Usually it is most pronounced when the days get shorter, with sensory overload leading into a dissociative winter. Completing long-term projects invariably leads into a void for me and brings on a few weeks or months of cotton-wool clad unreality. As a result I try to break goals into small, manageable chunks and avoid large or longer-term projects of any kind. Other than the above DP/DR has always been quite a benign conditions for me, only rarely disrupting my life overly or at least not for very long periods at a time.
> 
> Experiencing DP/DR has coloured my photographic style more than any other aspect of my life ever did. While I do have a day-job I am a photographer first and foremost. I finally read "Feeling Unreal: Depersonalization Disorder and the Loss of the Self " by Daphne Simeon & Jeffrey Abugel yesterday (I was too chicken to buy a book on DP up until then) and quite apart from my surprise at how acurately the case studies described the various aspects of my own experience it made me smile to see that all my photographic interests were also discussed within the book. So I guess it was my urge to find visual descriptions for my DP that brought me to photography. As soon as I have ended up at the subject of photography I'll finish this up with one of my favourite quotes, by photographer Barbara Ess:
> �I AM NOT THIS BODY. But I am. Aching and full of longing. Take a picture of this meat, this husk. You don't have me. I am something that cannot be photographed, cannot be named, defined, translated. [..] I am not this body, but this is where I live.�


Hi Pancake, I would like to see examples of your photography that has been influenced by your DP/DR. Do you have any on your computer to share?
Thanks,
Greg


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## frankperkins77

iam a 32 year old male that not only suffers from DP but bi polar and pstd also.im here to say there is relief from the fear from the emptyness;there are effective treatment ,therapys,ect.. from my experience and what ive learned from therapy sessions is: dont over think the feeling is only situational. i feel like the world around me isnt real qiute often but ialso know im not crazy that it is just another affliction such as arthritis,migranes, ect. and can be treated so for all of you people out there be patient take the meds subscribed,do the therapy and pay attention to what you are told after all they know their stuff thats why the went to school for is to give you relief.


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## Brian

Janinebaker said:


> We are in the process of restoring our story section. It includes personal accounts of how our dp symptoms started, a little personal history of the journey towards recovery.
> 
> Some stories are tales in process - recovery not reached yet...
> 
> Others such as my own, are tales of total recovery.
> 
> Please tell us your own.
> 
> And check back here later in the week for some others!
> 
> Peace,
> 
> Janine


----------



## Brian

Hi, my name is Brian, and I think I also have this. 
To make a long story short, I experienced a terrifying feeling that I didnt know who I was anymore. I was at a drive-in in 1983. The terror of that, overtook and froze me in such fear, and that fear took me to all kinds of places that you all talk about on here. I experienced panic attacks from that time on, feeling like Im not in control. Just reading all of your posts, scares me again. After I couldnt take any of it a second longer, I went and got help, and I was put on Resperdol, and Zoloft. Slowly, I began to get better, and stopped the Resperdol. Recently, I stopped taking my Zoloft, I thought I was cured, I was doing good there for awhile. But, recently, I separated from my wife, and I have my girls with me. I thought I needed to make more money, as I wasnt getting by financaly. So, I started a new job, even at the beginnig, I felt as though I wasnt trained enough, and I didnt feel good about myself at all. I have always lacked self esteem. When I got there, I wasnt given a very good reception- its a construction site- and I felt as though nobody even saw me, or cared about me, and again, the thought of nobody loving me or caring about me, made me feel so alone, I was frozen with fear. After I get that scared, I go to such awfull places, like everything you all talked about. I am afraid it is all real, a paranoia sets in. And then I fail to exist. All of the "what if" thinking sets in, and I get so scared its all true. After I have a terrorizing experience, all of the dp stuff sets in. It is all so scary. I got so relieved that I wasnt alone....... Please tell me its all not true. I could sure use some help, if at all possible. The scarest part is my mind races out of control, and I cant stop it. If you can help, I would love it. Thank You.


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## Babble

I think that dp may be genetic and that I've had this for my entire life. I don't think I will ever be able to change it and that is okay. Mental illness runs in my family and I used to worry about losing my sanity but I don't think I'm crazy. I have a lot of problems. I hate most people and I'm very awkward in most social situations. I'm often overwhelmed with anxiety and depression.


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## Rebekah

The Other Face of Mary Jane -

My Story of
Marijuana (with Abuse) induced Depersonalization Disorder

Chapter 1- Vortex descent into Hell

That day in May 1975 started out stellar. I was a normal, feel-good-in-my skin, happy, fourteen year old girl in the 8th grade at Good Hope Junior High in Mechanicsburg, PA. Many of the pot-heads called it "good dope" junior high, but as you'll hear later, that was a lie. Requisite prepping for a teen started very early every day in the cool morning hours. My Maybelline-mascaraed blue-green eyes were evenly curled above pack-powdered blushed cheeks. My eyes were my greatest asset, and I took care to paint them right. The necessities followed: Blow-drying and curl-ironing my ash-brown hair that hung straight down my back, donning gold jewelry, spritzing designer scent and finger-wiping makeup smudges in the faux-gold vanity mirror on the dresser. A cut from Aerosmith's Toys in the Attic blared from the tiny transistor radio stationed nearby. I could listen to that band all day, they're songs rocked everywhere and were on the top of the charts! Though I wasn't model-perfect like my sisters and all the rest of the girls on the block, I chose a pair of "all-the-rage" three-snap rust-colored peanut pants to wear that would expose your pubis if you moved the wrong way and "borrowed" my sister's nice, tight-fitting swirl patterned silk shirt to wear above them. That combo got the earth tones just right. School promised to be drag, but it didn't mean I couldn't look great. 
As predicted the school-day dragged on relentlessly, but a relieving breeze funneled through the open bus windows to revive me on the afternoon ride home. Yes, it had been another predictably boring stint in jail. What would I do now that I had some precious free time after the eight hours of incarceration? I had girlfriends, but not close ones, so no plans there. Honestly? I preferred to be a tag-a-long with my older sisters. I was a free spirit, a suburban cowgirl just blowing in the wind. I liked the wild spontaneous life, excitement over intimacy with others. I yearned to live the high life and needed it to thrive, to satisfy some undefined restlessness in my soul. Stepping way outside the boundaries in odd directions was my elixir. 
At home, in my split-level suburban house in Delbrook Manor, I headed for my bedroom to change into a hand-sewn cotton top and short set and to grab a snack before mom and dad got home from their jobs at the Navy Base about an hour later. Dad was a retired Army sergeant working as a civilian supervisor and mom worked at some accounting position on the same base. 
I know dad loved me, but I was afraid of him. From my bedroom foxhole, I listened for his maneuvers. The silence warned me that he was in his usual formation sitting motionless in his captain's chair at the head of the dining room table in the dark wood-paneled dining room. He would prop up his bad leg on the edge of the table and settle into watching the Merv Griffin variety show on TV and drinking Schlitz beer to unwind. He didn't move too fast anymore after breaking his leg sliding into home base on an Army baseball team while enlisted. I filed that fact away in the recesses of my mind in case I needed it to make a quick getaway someday to save my life. One, two, three, he kept the tops popping off those cold metal cans. The drunker he got, the safer I felt. 
Amazingly, he always found a break in his routine to abuse me. His tactic of choice was to destroy my bedroom. Like a tornado he would bound down the hallway and burst into my unlocked room. With precision he would begin hurling my most personal possessions: ceramic figurines I had made, jewelry boxes, candles, everything that meant anything to me, out the door and down the hallway. Then, because he hadn't had enough, he would make me up pick up the pieces. My life was shattering into a million shards and they were piercing my heart. I was too terrified to cry and too young to defend myself. In my child's brain, my two-and-two equaled: I must have done something wrong to make him mad. But what? Bewildered, I began hating myself while still loving him. 
"Hey, Edie," I asked my sixteen-year old older sister as she came in the front door. "What do you want to do tonight?" I was frantically planning my out as I picked up the garbage in the hallway my father had made of my prized possessions. Tomorrow would be her turn. I was relieved to see her and looked up to her for comfort and direction. "7-11," she said. We snuck out the door. The routine was to walk the few blocks to the convenience store for some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Slurpees, and cigarettes. But, first we had to legally buy some butts. Back then, you only needed a signed permission note from a parent giving their child the right to buy cigarettes. I always got "A's" in penmanship, so we were good to go. On the way out of the store, we ran into a male acquaintance from the "lower" side of town. The Trouble-maker, TM, as he was known, had told Edie earlier in the day that he had bought some good dope to smoke and that she should hook up with him after school. There he was, patting the promised bag of weed bulging securely in his pocket. No one trusted the guy, but I eager to try getting high. 
We trio headed to the hideaway in the woods and found the clearing where we ritually smoked our Salem cigarettes and then hid them in baggies in the bushes for the next evening. TM offered the bag of loose weed to Edie, then to me. Since I hadn't gotten high before, I was green at rolling. I needed some after-school tutoring. I observed intently, anticipating the effects that would follow. I'd heard that getting high on pot was a great trip. I picked up quickly on the rather simple process of hand-rolling, and got to work. I prided myself on being able to roll up a very thick, tight joint that held together nicely after only a few attempts, having never done it before. I excelled at most activities and this was no exception. 
I smoked the joint at first like a cigarette, but then learned by watching my mentors to pinch it between my finger and thumb. The dry paper stuck to my lips and I inhaled deeply as the smoke curled into my eyes. I toked and toked, not knowing that the substance would do more than make me dizzy like tobacco--no one warned me. I felt my heart beating and my mind moving into a dreamlike state as I started to feel the effects. TM bragged how it was good stuff. Immediately, I felt disconnected from the other accomplices and from the cherished wild flowers, green trees and evening breeze that were created to comfort me. I wasn't sure if I were feeling good--I just felt weird and spooked. The other two were laughing at some silly humor. I joined in, too, with false laughter, not understanding the gist of the joke. I kept smoking and laughing until the final ashes from the joint dissolved into the dry dirt. I thought, with a bit of uneasiness, that we needed to get home. Time was tricking me and seemed to slow. Plus, I never wore a watch. Edie agreed, and we headed out the woods that led to the dirt path in the clearing. 
Onto the blacktop road, I tripped clumsily up the curb and onto the sidewalk. I looked down at the ground and the concrete blocks seemed to be moving in a wavelike pattern from side to side and up and down. I was becoming alarmed. With each step toward home, my fear escalated and anxious thoughts soon replaced the more placid dream-like state from minutes earlier. I was really high and knew that I needed to straighten up quickly before we reached our front door and dad's ominous presence. No front door presentation by me that night, so I headed around back to slip into the downstairs patio door. I met up with my other older sister, Janine's, best friend, Dawn. She looked at me, noticed I was stoned, and laughed. I managed to return a fake smile before hurrying into the back room. A few steps farther, I reached the downstairs recreation room. It usually felt safe and familiar there, but not tonight. 
The panic hit me full force like a sledge-hammer. My head and body felt as if it would explode from some internal bomb that had gone off inside me. I slunk to the floor and curled up into a fetal position to try to comfort myself from the horrendous pressure that coursed through every fiber of my body and mind. I was in such physical pain that I wanted to die. My mind was so disjointed and scattered that I couldn't make sense of anything except the painful bodily sensations that were pulsing through me, and the unremitting, obsessive thought that dad would come downstairs and kill me, catching me high. I felt my heartbeat pulse too strongly down through my navel and back up through my throat, strangling me. I gasped for breath as if I were drowning. Then, I waited and waited for the high from hell to subside. I thought it would never end, and it didn't for the longest time.
My sister Edie, had gone to her room downstairs right next door, oblivious to my plight. But, after about an hour, she walked in on me in the throws of some unidentified, life-threatening event. Instinctively she sat on the floor next to my wracked body rubbing my back, not knowing what else to do. She then left me alone, and I managed to crawl up into the green vinyl recliner that was nearby, searching for comfort. I lay curled up in this sticky green chair with a blanket on me for hours, not able to move, not able to cry, not able to think. Only able to wait, stunned, for this, as yet, unnamed malady to pass. 
I waited impatiently until dark and finally began to feel myself come down a bit from the bad pot trip. I got to my feet and stumbled, weak and shaking to the bedroom nearby, holding onto the walls for balance. I felt ashamed, beaten-down, defeated, and bewildered. I lay on the single bed, staring at the walls which were now billowing in and out incessantly. I was numb and still hurting. After another hour of waiting to come down, still weak and frightened, I stumbled up the bi-level steps to my own bedroom, seeking rest from shear exhaustion. 
I awoke from my fitful sleep many times throughout the night in a silent terror. I knew I was frightened and traumatized, but I couldn't feel it! No emotions. Everything was so bizarre. Distorted and disjointed visions and hallucinations tormented my thoughts. Why was I seeing a billiard tables and colored balls floating at an angle in some strange, dark ether? Everything was out of joint. Every picture and thought in my mind was fragmented, dark and impersonal. I was disconnected from myself and felt a deep depression consume me. I wanted to cry, but was too shocked to shed a tear.

Chapter 2- Day 2

Mom switched on the overhead light to wake me up for school and my nerves jangled and coursed throughout my body again. I felt as if an army of ants were marching under my skin, down my back and up through my spine. My mind continued to play tricks on me: the room moved and waved as it had the night before, but with less intensity. I was tremendously depressed intuiting that something very dreadful and life-changing had happened to me. 
I remembered the bare-bones of my routine in my now fragmented psyche, and I roused my drained body from the bed and did my usual morning maintenance of shower, hair washing, makeup, blow-drying, and curling iron, but with no emotional affect--I was now a new person, an automaton.

Ch. 2, to be continued . . . .


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## Clare_Blackman

Hi, I believe I suffer from Depersonalization/derealisation. At age 15 I got drunk for the first time and was violently sick and passed out, I woke up feeling really strange but just thought it was a hangover as I'd never experienced one before. Later on that day I started feeling even stranger, strange tingling sensations in my head and just an increasing feeling of not being fully here.. having to think really hard about what I was doing and my vision seemed to be disturbed like I was drunk all over again. Years passed and it never improved, I just got used to it. Then about 5 years later I got very drunk again and passed out and yes you guessed it.. this feeling had got worse, I'll never forget that feeling when I woke up that morning.. I've never felt so afraid in my life. Everything seemed disturbed, my perception, the way I was thinking.. but I cannot describe it properly.. I just knew something was terribly wrong. Was it my eyes!? my head or what!? I remember thinking. After scans, CBT, visits to the neuro hospital in London I'm still in the same boat and am now 27!! I still feel the same as I did that day I woke up and realised It'd happened again but I've just got used to it, it has never improved and I still don't know if DP is what I have but it sure seems the closest thing to it if it isn't. How on earth has alcohol done this to me? just these two occasions, the only two occasions I've been extremely drunk and passed out? I'm sure I've already told my story on this website but thought I'd type it up again.. I'm growing increasingly tired of trying to explain this to people online and in real life, I feel like I'm looking for an answer I'm never going to find.

So my symptoms in a nut shell are -

- Strange visual perception like I'm drunk (I get relief when I close my eyes)
- Confusion and slowness in the way I think, have to re read things to make sense of them
- negative and obsessive thoughts about having to know why something happened, why it was said, what it meant and I can't seem to fully relax until I make sense in my own head why something happened etc, then once my mind has figured whatever it is out and is satisfied I can relax until next time
- depression
- a feeling of being too aware of movements, actions etc
- feelings, movements and reactions etc feel like they're somehow put on or not coming naturally
- feelings of unreality, like things could happen and there would be no consequence

It's late and I'm going to bed







thanks for reading my ramblings, feel free to comment or give me advice, I sure as hell need it.

Clare


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## Brokowski

I sort of put my story in my intro post, but I'll list my symptoms.

-Feeling like I'm viewing the world through a camera, it's hard to explain but others who have felt it will get what I mean. 
-Occasional, sometimes obsessive, irrational, existential thoughts. (e.x What if the world doesn't exist outside of what I'm currently perceiving, etc)
-Taking extra note of my body movements, etc. Worry about things that used to come naturally, ala breathing.
-A mild out of body feeling when I'm alone, mostly when I'm showering.
-If I go out, I'll ask if I really did that, etc. Questioning my current environment falls into this too I guess. "Am I really here", etc.
-Fear of losing control and passing out, but I think that just falls in line with the anxiety.


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## razvan100

Hi. Nice to meet you all.

It all started in a night, almost a year ago from a severe panic attack.
Though, almost all my life i was a "thinker", i mean i wondered about existential stuff and several facts about life. In one night, 9 or 10 months ago, i thinked about my image in front of my eyes, i imagined it as a 2d image and suddenly i had a very strange feeling of unreality, like i was stucked in a weird "place" and i felt my head "empty"... I have felt as if words flowed from my mouth but they were not in my contro
In that period, things like anxiety, dp/dr, where totally unknown to me. 
After that night, my life completely changed. Almost all the time i had feelings of unreality, fear of death and diseases, fear that everything it might be a dream.
3 weeks later i had another panic attack, this time more intense.
I was sleeping and suddenly, i waked up with a feeling of unreality ( the whole world appeared static, 2d, foreign, unreal and i felt my head "empty", as i where behind a glass panel or stucked somewhere ).
It was so intense, that i needed to call the ambulance. The doctors said that i should go to a pshycologist.
Anyway i had another panic attack, 2 months later, from unreality feelings and unwanted thoughs. This time i also thinked at my heart: "how does it still beats continously", "what if its gonna stop right now" or "what if im gonna have a sudden hear attack".
This time i called again the ambulance, i went to the hospital. The doctors said that i didn't have any "organic" disease but they said that it might be an anxiety disorder.
Anyways, im still having these feelings. I'm not 100% sure that im having an anxiety disorder, so that is why i'm here...








These are my symptoms:
1. Unwanted and obsesive thoughs ( fear of death, fear of going insane, fear for diseases like schyzophrenia, existentialis thoughs, paranoid thoughs, etc. )
2. Blurry vision
3. Hot/Cold flushes
4. perfectionism ( i cannot start things untill i know the right way to start them )
5. bad and bizzare dreams
6. Intense fear
7. I quite lost my old feelings and i now feel like a new person, but in a bad way!
8. Muscle twiking ( altough, quite rare )
9. Unreality feeling.

it might be dp/dr?


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## Carrie

With me, I think it all started with a bad weed experience - I panicked and my heart raced, but since it was a one time thing, I just kept smoking. I had quit smoking for a month when these feelings of not being inside myself and being somewhere out there started coming on. I had a hard time focusing. I would panic. The feelings are slowly fading away but it's still frustrating and it's still tough sometimes.


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## PositiveThinking!

razvan100 said:


> Hi. Nice to meet you all.
> 
> It all started in a night, almost a year ago from a severe panic attack.
> Though, almost all my life i was a "thinker", i mean i wondered about existential stuff and several facts about life. In one night, 9 or 10 months ago, i thinked about my image in front of my eyes, i imagined it as a 2d image and suddenly i had a very strange feeling of unreality, like i was stucked in a weird "place" and i felt my head "empty"... I have felt as if words flowed from my mouth but they were not in my contro
> In that period, things like anxiety, dp/dr, where totally unknown to me.
> After that night, my life completely changed. Almost all the time i had feelings of unreality, fear of death and diseases, fear that everything it might be a dream.
> 3 weeks later i had another panic attack, this time more intense.
> I was sleeping and suddenly, i waked up with a feeling of unreality ( the whole world appeared static, 2d, foreign, unreal and i felt my head "empty", as i where behind a glass panel or stucked somewhere ).
> It was so intense, that i needed to call the ambulance. The doctors said that i should go to a pshycologist.
> Anyway i had another panic attack, 2 months later, from unreality feelings and unwanted thoughs. This time i also thinked at my heart: "how does it still beats continously", "what if its gonna stop right now" or "what if im gonna have a sudden hear attack".
> This time i called again the ambulance, i went to the hospital. The doctors said that i didn't have any "organic" disease but they said that it might be an anxiety disorder.
> Anyways, im still having these feelings. I'm not 100% sure that im having an anxiety disorder, so that is why i'm here...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> These are my symptoms:
> 1. Unwanted and obsesive thoughs ( fear of death, fear of going insane, fear for diseases like schyzophrenia, existentialis thoughs, paranoid thoughs, etc. )
> 2. Blurry vision
> 3. Hot/Cold flushes
> 4. perfectionism ( i cannot start things untill i know the right way to start them )
> 5. bad and bizzare dreams
> 6. Intense fear
> 7. I quite lost my old feelings and i now feel like a new person, but in a bad way!
> 8. Muscle twiking ( altough, quite rare )
> 9. Unreality feeling.
> 
> it might be dp/dr?


Sounds like DP/DR alright, I have all of that except for number 5, and my number 8 is pretty intense.


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## razvan100

Thanks for the reply... I hope things will get better. I'm planning to go to a psychologist but untill then, can you give me some advices like what should i eat, do i need some vitamins supplements? Things to diminish the intensity of anxiety levels....
Oh, i almost forgot these symptoms ( related to dp/dr i think )
Sadness, feeling much more mature ( im 16 ), feeling helpless, feel of another world.
P.S: Here's my yahoo messenger id: graffer362, if someone wants to talk about this.
Thanks. I appreciate any help








See ya.


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## PositiveThinking!

razvan100 said:


> Thanks for the reply... I hope things will get better. I'm planning to go to a psychologist but untill then, can you give me some advices like what should i eat, do i need some vitamins supplements? Things to diminish the intensity of anxiety levels....
> Oh, i almost forgot these symptoms ( related to dp/dr i think )
> Sadness, feeling much more mature ( im 16 ), feeling helpless, feel of another world.
> P.S: Here's my yahoo messenger id: graffer362, if someone wants to talk about this.
> Thanks. I appreciate any help
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> See ya.


Well, I'm taking fish oil and b12 sublingual, didn't notice big difference in the intensity of my symptoms but some people did, so I guess you could try it


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## razvan100

Thanks again


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## maysj18

I'm a 19 year old female, and I have been suffering for the last two years. First of all, I think it's crazy how so many of you feel like weed or getting high triggered your symptoms. I have the exact same story, although my symptoms surfaced about a month after I had gotten high for the first time.

I have had panic attacks before, but this one was different. I described the way I felt as being exactly how I felt when I woke up from having a severe concussion or when I got high a couple months back. After the symptoms wouldn't go away and I couldn't stop having anxiety attacks because I had no idea what was going on, I went to the ER thinking I may have had a seizure. Tests came back normal and they sent me to a psychiatrist.

Now, two years later I'm still in the same boat. I have tried Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, Abilify, and now I'm on Cymbalta. I recently started a new job as a waitress and I notice that the symptoms are so much worse when I'm in an unfamiliar place, a place full of people or commotion, and since my new job is all of those things combined my symptoms are awful. I want to feel normal again. I have such an amazing life- my friends, boyfriend, family, school..it's all wonderful. I just want to get the symptoms under control.


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## brianakabambi

Hey everyone,

My names Brian and I'm new to the forum. Its relieving to know that I'm not the only one with this condition. Although I've never actually been diagnosed with DP, I have most of the symptoms. Ive had it since I was eight or nine years-old. I feel as though the world around me is unreal and I'm in some sort of dream. I feel detached from people. Its almost as if I'm numb to any sort of emotion. I do things in a very robotic manner and without spirit. As a child I was constantly scolded, hit and criticized. I was always blamed for broken or lost things around the house even though most of the time it wasn't my fault. I grew up without my father since he had an alcohol problem and I was constantly picked on at school, mainly middle school.

The symptoms subsided through most of HS, but then came back during senior year. I now have finished my first year of college and this past year in Ive felt this way. Its very disturbing and sometimes I feel as though I'm losing it. I stay away from drugs and alcohol because they only seem to exacerbate these feelings. Any advice would me helpful. Thanks.


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## razvan100

Hi again.
It has been a while since i posted last time on this forum. Meanwhile, things worsened. I didn't went to a psychologist because of the fear that i could have a serious illness. Its very hard to go, but i know that is necessary in my case.
Anyways, as i said, things are worse. Here are my "new" symptoms, or "old" but more, more severe.
- feeling completely detached from my older self, i now feel, i don't know exactly how to describe it, but sometimes i feel "numb" or something like that. Im felling different, and my old feelings, my old emotions, are numb. Some of them i still feel them, but some of them, its very hard to feel them because i feel them "hidden" somewhere or "masked".
- when im talking im feeling different from my older self and also i feel like im talking without my control, i just talk but "empty" or "numb".
- im having a huge fear of mental illness and the fear that i would never be the same, and this fear practically increases my "dp" up to 90%. Its just very very intense. I think this fear is the cause of all of this.
- The very intense fear makes me sleep at 5 in the morning, because, if i go to bed at 12 o clock, for example, all my head is full of negative thoughts about dpr, diseases and questions about reality. Its very hard to control them! Sometimes i feel very tired from this and increases the anxiety level.
It also makes my sleep very anxious, and sometimes im having bad dreams that also increases the anxiety. Sometimes im suddenly waking up from the sleep with the feeling of unreality or with a suffocating feeling. But not lasting for more than a few seconds.

So, in conclusion, i feel very different and very very very scared. I don't know what to do. As i said im afraid of psychologists but i know that its necessary. What do you think, its my Dpr that intense that requires professional help? What its your advice?
Its so hard to live with it every day, i just want to be my former self again! Nothing else! I just want to be happy again...








Thanks. please reply your advices i REALLY NEED THEM 
Thankh you very much!


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## MissTool

Hi All-

I don't know where to start this off... this is my first post in the community and it's overwhelming to have just read through so many accounts from all of you who can relate intimately to something that I thought I was entirely alone in. I was on and off various anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for the majority of my teen years. I was diagnosed by several different psychiatric doctors, some claiming I was bi-polar and others swearing it was good old fashion depression. However, after doing my own research, I am positive it's neither. I'm currently off all prescription medications (self medicating with alcohol and marijuana, but not excessively) I guess I would call myself a self diagnosed sufferer of DP and DR. Anyways, what I came here to share was my first encounter with the feelings associated with DP.

When I was in third grade, I shared a bedroom with my older sister. It was around this time in my life that I developed extreme insomnia. I also became afraid of my surroundings when out in public and felt like no one around me was living in the same reality as I was. I was certain I was the center of everyone else's attention always, and that their attention was negative. Most distinctly, I remember laying away in my bed and sobbing because I was terrified that if I went to sleep I would die.

This is my first memory of experiencing the detachment from reality, the terror, the out-of-self that I associate with episodes of DP now. Recently, my DP has gotten so extreme that I have a hard time understanding whether or not I'm awake or even alive. I wake up multiple times throughout the night and-- I know this might sound stupid or insane, but I figure this is the best place to say it-- I feel like I've forgotten what it feels like to be human. I don't know what's real in my life anymore. I spend hours in front of the mirror staring at my face and seeing a different image each second.

Is there any relief from this? I'm only 21 but I've been suffering from this for almost 13 years. Is this just what reality feels like? Is life this terrifying and overwhelming to *normal* people? What is wrong with me??


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## woman

I have had dp since i was nineteen years old. I was diganosed as schiopheric at that time. Now my theripist feels that i have PTSD which is triggered by dp. I have more episodes and i am afriad that i will have one in public and won't be able to cope with it. I had a episode last night and it was hard to do anything. I found this place by accident.


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## Moanymoore

Mine started about a month ago when i smoked a joint and had a panic attack it is weird i am scared of social situations i dont understand life at all i question the nature of things and feel the world isnt real. If it is i certainly dont fit in it properly, it is starting to get better this website has made me feel better but to me it feels to me like a battle with my own mind it is weird like i am in a thought cycle and i need to break out of it. 
When i do have good days where the DR/DP has gone i cant comprehend how i ever could have felt like that. Its like there is no emotion and you dont live life i am like someone else carrying out the motions but i do not feel the same joy or understand like i used too. I think it is DP/DR but i think it fluctuates between that and depression if it does not get better soon i am gonna see my doctor.


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## loveandrain1710

I am eighteen, and have struggled with out of body experiences, dp and dr since I was about eight or nine years old. 
They started out as out of body, lasting for anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes, where I didn't know who I was, but I felt like I was inside my body somewhere, struggling to come out, that I was possessing someone else's body. I was too young to understand what it was, and I know that my mom couldn't have understood when I tried to tell her. 
They went away for awhile, but came back in a different form with a vengeance when I was diagnosed with Thryoid cancer and had my Thryoid completely removed at thirteen. I was in a fog during that time. I would sit by the window for hours, staring out, spacing out and disconnected with reality. At fourteen, the boyfriend who I had been with for almost two years and had helped me incredibly through the cancer cheated on me, and I started self-injuring. I self-injured from ages fourteen to seventeen. During that time, the dp/dr came and went as I struggled with deep depression to go along with it. During the past year and a half, it has been the worst (the dp/dr). I don't know if I have just become more aware of it or what, but I feel as though I am in a fog. a movie. like none of this is real. It comes and goes throughout the day, and I feel as though I have no control of it. It is especially worse at night, and since I stay up often till four in the morning, the night certainly has plenty of time to amplify it. I have de ja vu, have had alot of trouble with my job in the past because of my spaciness, and have even had a fifteen/twenty minute long episode where I completely disconnected from reality and didn't know where/who I was (this was after a long time without sleep, however). 
I have been clean for 406 days today from SI, but I came the closest I've come in a long time to breaking that tonight, just so I could break myself out of this, even for a little while. I'm sick of not being able to grasp anything. of being so spacey and out of it. I'm terrified of death, and it's gotten worse and worse as the dp/dr has progressed. my mom vaguely knows I struggle with it, but I'm not sure that anything can be done to help me. a few close friends know, but they are only able to help by listening. I'm sick of seeing it effect them, as I neglect them during times we're together because I can't come back to reality. I'm sick of this separate world of mine. 
I'm told that childhood traumas can be one of the causes or at least contribute to dp/dr, and as far as those go, I've been involved in sexual abuse when I was younger [I abused my sister..we're close in age so most people would say that we were both just curious but I do not see it that way, with what was done. my parents know, and my sister remembers, and we've talked a little about it, but this is often all I can think about when I think of my childhood. they are like surreal memories to me.], as well as the trauma of Thyroid cancer as a young teenage girl. that's all, though.

I'm not really looking for answers, just sort of venting..I've never been on one of these support groups before so this is new to me. Answers, advice, or anything would be appreciated though. Thanks so much if you even took the time to read this.


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## guy

I've found it. The door creeked open and suddenly I am viewing The truth that lie behind it. My body is but a shell living in a random reality. Within that shell is an unknown darkness inhabited by my thoughts. Thought is who I am and that is actually where I exist. If this is where I exist would that not also make it reality? Then Why am I here viewing that reality if where I exist is the actual reality. Wouldn't that just make me a prisoner of my own existance?

I now feel as though my shell is plugged into what the actual reality is but my very existance isn't from that reality but viewing from another.

This is exactly what I felt during my first episode of depersonalization. At first I thought I stumbled upon some great discovery behind the meaning of life but as the episodes continued I started believing I was just stuck inside nothingness forever viewing a world that my thoughts created. Anxiety and intense paranoia followed between episodes. I've never had this feeling 24/7 just sporadically.


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## ktlee

Hi everyone. im new to this whole dp disorder. i honestly didnt think there were people out there that felt the same way.
i have been living with this since i was about 16. all started in high school and to be honest im not quite sure why it did. just hit me one day and it freaked me out. after that day i had good days and bad days. mostly bad ones. but than junior and senior year hit me and it went away. those two years there was none of the symptoms of dp. i was so excited cause i thought it had went away! but than right before i started my college year i was smoking pot with some friends and afterwards the dp hit me hard. i went into a terrible panic attack and was rushed to the hospital. of course they couldnt find anything wrong with me physically. than after that i had several panic attacks in college. at first going to some classes was ok but after awhile i ended up dropping out because i couldnt handle going to the classes. i became a secluded drop out in my dorm. i ended up moving back home before the year even ended and never told my parents. after that i went another two years with out and dp sysmptoms. once again it seemed like it had gone away. but than out of the blue at work i got a terrible attack. i got dizzy and my sense of reality went away. after that i have had my good days and my bad ones. i honestly have not found a cure for it. i try relaxing and meditating but nothing seems to work for me. in the last month it has seemed to have gotten worse. i live with my boyfriend and im jsut crabby at him all the time. all i want to do is sleep and i hate going to work. i recently was prescribed anti depressant pills because my doctor thought i was depressed. i didnt tell her about dp cause i didnt know about it. i was to afraid to tell anyone because it sounded crazy to me. im just asking how do i get better!!!! i want to know the secret. i just want it to go away or get better. i just cant live like this anymore. its making me crazy.


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## kate7

hi i read comment. i did not use any drugs , but i am constatnt dp/dr. its started when i was teenager, but it lasted only few minutes. 3 month ago it came in second when i was watching tv. since then it become constant. i went to doc and gave me zoloft. i think it made me worth, i cant put my mind together, i have so wired feeling.


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## Valkyrie

I cannot remember a time when I didn't feel DR/DP, so my experience has been mostly a neutral positive one. Only at 24 did I realize most people never feel this way. I would never want to not be DR/DP even though it is very frightening sometimes because it is part of me, it's shaped me my whole life. I make music, and I feel it helps me to display in an audial sense the wonder and mysteriousness of the world. I enjoy days I feel especially weird-I stare at the sky a lot and wonder why I am here, why I live here or know these people, why are all these people driving? Where are they going? Why do we need things so much? And what if all this wasn't here? How do I know I am real? Constant questioning. But I get a certain sensation on these days, as if my brain is opening a door no one else can open. I love movies, and these days feel very much like a movie I can watch. I take so much joy in staring at visual details in my environment...the stained concrete outside my door, the corner where the dumpsters sit and and the woods begin-I have always been obsessed, since a child even-with corners or passages that go to the right in my field of vision-and I can't see where they go. It gives me such a thrilling feeling, but also that same 'inner door' opening. I am truly rambling now!

My symptoms though are usually

daydreaminess
constant philosophical questioning
social anxiety
extreme particularness with color/texture in my environment
physical enjoyment from repetition and order
constantly picturing myself from a birds eye view/trying to picture where I am
changes in experience of time
distractability
'zoning out'
extreme nostalgia, esp. for my childhood
not feeling like I have a soul/personality
very very attuned hearing/musical memory

Every day I look at the sky and picture the earth as sitting still and the sky moving around it.

I love watching movies that make me feel unreal...some good ones (or bad ones if you do not enjoy DR) are:

Inland Empire
Stalker
The Mirror
Eraserhead
Breaking the Waves
Antichrist
Stroszek

I think of derealization as a beautiful, multifaceted filter through which I watch the play of life. But I also sometimes think DR helps me see life as it actually exists. As if it is also the absence of a filter.


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## Rainman

Part time college student and worker. I've been going through derealization since early November. I've been through it before back in September, but now it's at it's best. I can thank drugs for getting me where I am right now. Experimenting is a mistake I'll never make again, as it's cost me a lot up to this point.

The first week was brutal for me, I was about ready to start crying in the stairway when I had to leave my class early because my anxiety and lack of concentration pulled me away from my university. More than once I've become teary eye'd. I felt alone, and I didn't have a name for what I was going through. Luckily, within a few days and a doctor visit (no help, just drugs) I found a name for what I was going through. It felt amazing to know what I'm going through.

I didn't bother trying to associate myself with communities of people because I didn't figure that I would have it for longer than 2 weeks. Well, here I am, entering my 4th week and officially accepting that this derealization probably isn't going to be going away any time soon. Now, I'm able to work and go to school, where before I couldn't do either.


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## Tanner

This started about 2 weeks ago. I'm 30, engaged, and a few years into a promising career. I think this happened once before as a child, but it was brief - it had something to do with finally comprehending the meaning of the word "eternity". I've not recently experienced any traumatic events and excluding the occasional joint, I'm not a substance abuser. I find myself trying very hard to pretend that nothing's happening. I'm also trying to determine what triggered this. 
I mentioned the dp in passing to my Fiance. I framed it as light-heartedly as I could and assured her that it was only temporary. The truth is that I felt like I was losing my mind and was more scared than I ever have been in my life. I had this intense and very real fear that at any moment I was going to wake up on the ground screaming bloody murder in a public place. I've been catching myself in the middle of conversations, not recognizing my own voice, or what the hell I was talking about. For a few hours there I was wondering if I wasn't possessed by a Demon or spirit or something that was keeping me at a distance from myself - as completely ridiculous as that sounds. My life has become a boring dream, with a mild panic attack here and there. 
My assumption is that over time I'll learn to cope. I don't feel like I'm a danger to myself or to others. I eat, drink, sleep and exercise on occasion. From about 15 feet I'm just your average guy. I'll probably be able to keep my job, although I won't be quite as productive as I once was. My guess is that life will move forward, and it will be a little less pleasant than some others. Hopefully we see an effective means of treating this condition. And soon. If I happen to stumble upon one myself - I'll be sure to pass it along. Thanks for the ear.

Tanner


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## TheGame

Hey there!

This site really gives relief to alot of the questions i have had about DP/DR and anxiety and i hope i'll get more interesting stories and recovery-stories to hear about as i have realized everyone has their own type of experience.

So here's what happened:

I had 8 months from now taken both lsd and exstacy twice. on both occasions they where pleasant trips and i enjoyed them both. Except for one of them where this really creepy guy comes into the room and ruins my experience by having a bad trip and destroying the mood in the room.

After that i knew something had happened as i totally went into myself and started doubting myself and it was kindof like the DP/DR that im experiencing now except it didnt set of completely thereafter. Some time passed and i continued working as i usually did and didnt pay the bad trip any mind. a month after that i smoked the most potent hash i had ever smoked and the day after i woke up and looked around the room and had an overwhelming feeling of unreality and a feeling that my boundaries toward the world and other people had dissolved, i had an intense panik/anxiety-attack and felt like my emotional life had gotten a real turn. for three months i suffered from this dissociative state and then i got perfect again, apart from some pins and needles in stressfull situations and i still had some problems with "beeing myself". the same night that i declared myself cured from it i decided that it was ok to smoke some pot again...I had about 20 minutes of heaven and then i looked at my friends phone for about a minute to decide on a song to put on for the mood. And i suddenly hear my mind saying "its just a game" (meaning life) and i retracted into myself...It was like my soul hid inside my body and i really felt how i stopped "looking out through my own eyes". I told my friend i had to lay down and i told him i was feeling weird so i did and then i felt like my soul shot out trough my back and i was left emotionally detached...like a dead person indeed.

After that its been mayhem. long story short "the game" delusions ive had has been there ever since and i am now on 200mg of seroquel and 20mg citalopram (SSRI) i literally feel like im on a drug 24/7.i have however realized its complete bullshit. It derives nearly only from the mind being totally exhausted and as some wise-woman here wrote that its listening to thoughts that you otherwise either dont have or that you otherwise would dismiss as outright bullshit if they ever came along.

Thats it for now...


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## opie37060

I first experienced dp when i was 17 after smoking some marijuana. It only lasted the night and went away in the morning so it didn't really bother me. The second experience is the one that bothers me and the one i have yet to recover from after a year and a half. I was working and had a massive panic attack that sent me into a downward spiral of dp/dr. I called out of work for the next 3 days and then decided i couldn't work anymore and quit. The first couple of days i was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't think straight, Everything on my body felt wierd especially my left arm and hand and it felt funny when i walked. I would wake up with a massive panic attack which made me fear going to sleep or waking up. I would walk around for hours in my house crying. I couldn't eat and lost around 21 lbs in 3 weeks and would throw up and get dizzy 4 or 5 times a day. I even went to the emergency room I had so much stress the doctor gave me a prescription to 1 mg of xanax and told me to take 4 a day. That didn't help. So my mother called the doctor and he then prescribed me lamictal and some tranquilizer which i don't know the name of. After a couple of weeks i stopped taking the xanax as it was not helping and the lamictal. I started taking celexa and worked my way to the highest dosage. I also found this site after weeks of searching the internet for a cure. I would spend hours searching this site for any information that would help relieve this dp/dr. So now it's a year later and after buying over a $1,000 dollars in supplements and medication all it left me was broke but i dont regret it. I really don't know what happened to my brain that day i had a massive panic attack and what it did but there is nothing i can do about it. So in conclusion I still feel dp/dr but not as bad i just accept this as life now. I am on the lowest dosage of celexa and sometimes i honestly think it doesn't help me any. I do not take any supplements except a multi-vitamin. I miss my old life and yes sometimes i wish i wasn't alive, but there are other days that i love life and hopeful for the future. Im 29 years old and hope i don't have this the rest of my life. I know many of you are searching for hope and i don't want to be a downer but this is just my story and doesn't mean it will be yours. Do anything and everything that you think might help yourself you never know it might just actually help.


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## guiltypleasures:3

my dp gradually grew over a long period of time, and now manifests most when i smoke weed but i don't think the weed caused it because i had been smoking a year and a half before i started experiencing dp. At first it was just simple ideads like "you can't think with your knee" or "you don't think 'finger move' before it moves." Just simple things that are just a given to most people and they don't even think about just seemed weird and foreign to me. But then later i was hit with even worse thoughts like "you can't see behind yourself so how do you know if there REALLY is anything there. I mean you can turn around and look, but then theres still a behind you." which made it seem all to realistic that we could be in something like the matrix, and there really ISN't anything behind us ever, even though other people can see the behind us, thats them..not me. then also the inevitable "you can't escape yourself, no matter how hard you try the one thing, one person you can't ever escape is yourself." Which is scary when all i wan't to do is forget all my problems and escape just for a while....But then are the bigger questions like why are we here? how can we be here? how can anything exist? are we just a bunch of brains imagining up this whole bull shit of a world?

But now i try to stop questioning things that are WAY out of my control and i will never know the answers too. I just stop the thoughts halfway, distract myself and move on which allot of people say is hard for them to do... but i have good experience ignoring myself and distracting myself to forget things. I'm very good at forgetting, but it doesn't matter how much i forget or ignore the thoughts, the FEEling is still there all the time.

Im still social and when im around people i feel allot better, it keeps me entertained.. especially since when im alone i constantly worry about going crazy and i constantly wonder if i think right, like everyone else. Im really starting to worry about that, do i think like everyone else? but how will i ever know? i dont think i ever will... i sometimes feel crazy thinking conciously because it almost feels like im talking to myself and thinking things that i already know, and then my thoughts are jumpy, short lived, and i never know WHat tho think about.

maybe... its time i see a therapist, i really dont thik i should be worrying about this as much as i do.


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## Guest

dannyJD said:


> Hi,
> 
> I've had DP/DR since 1970. It's not depression or anxiety-related. Mine is what you would call 'pure' DR, initiated by meditation, with no comorbidity. You get used to this sort. It fades into the background of your life, only to come to the fore when you think about it. Like a ticking clock, or a wart on the end of your nose. Months can go by without thinking about it at all.
> 
> [I don't know why there hasn't been an extensive MRI, PET, or functional-scan study of pure DP. A sample of 50 to 100 people might identify the regions of the brain that show differences from normal. Perhaps direct or magnetic-pulse stimulation, or suppression might illuminate what is going on in those (conjectured) areas. There is a preoccupation with antidepressants.]
> 
> Then there is a wistfulness for the years before: what's it like for the world to be real? It's been so long, I can't remember. If there were a drug that would recapture what I had in my childhood and teens, even for a few minutes, I would take it.
> 
> Vancouver, Canada


OH wait wait, you think meditation causes this too? because yea, i feel a little bit weird after meditating, but i always think meditating will help instead of making it worse. I will stop right away if thats so... fuck man...


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## hank77

I suffered from dissociation all my life. I was not in life, but felt out of life looking in. I wasn't real as a person. I do not want to make this long, but want to tell you how I was cured to the point that I can actually feel feelings and emotions. To experience being connected. A doctor proscribed 300mgs of Wellbutrin and 40mgs of Celexa. I needed to take the combination. I was taking Celexa but wasn't having the positive effect until it was taken with Wellbutrin. It has been 3 months and it is like a very dark cloud has lifted. It works for me maybe it can help you. I continue to become a more integrated human being each and every day. I am becoming the person GOD wants me to be. I pray that you try this combination of medicine.


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## rudy

Benzos created my DP
Benzos screwed my life
Benzos screwed my brain
Benzos relieved me 
But DP is here again

My dp is depersonalisation , derealisation , and distorsion
it was caused by a benzos withdrawal that I was prescribed , I was not a drugaddict

I find this unfair

Crossing a road is difficult , dealing with normal things and no one can see that I am not normal and trapped inside and my perception of reality is altered .

My psychiatrists are sorry for me because in my case it is biological and I am psychotic ...

I can spend days completely depersonalized and I swear this is unpleasant , uncomfortable , painfull , it is something horrible .

I had hope because it had stopped for a week but unfortunately now it is back .

I guess acceptance is the best thing to do but I didn't deserve that , so it is hard to accept it but I will

I keep my head up . and FAITH AND HOPE ARE THE ONLY THINGS LEFT TO ME

This is my story and I share it to help people , I don't wanna show up , you just have to look at me to see how sad it is


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## german brite

My name is Megan and I've had DP and DR as far back as I can remember. It's progressively gotten worse now to the point where it scares me to drive my car. It starts with a heavy feeling in my chest and then progresses throughout my body until I feel numb. Everything around me changes in size and shape and color and I seem to fly out of my body and exist in a dream world where I don't know if I'm real or not. I can touch things and still be unconvinced they are real. It is terrifying especially when I drive because there is no way to distract myself from the feeling that I am being sucked out of my body. I mostly have DR but I know DP is mixed in there somewhere. The states are hard to define and I only know them by constant and unrelenting fear and terror. The benzos haven't been made that are strong enough to pull me up out of this state. I am trying Paxil but each day I wait for it to kick in seems like another life sentence to Hell. Just driving five miles from my house put me into a state of total panic and fear where I am grasping for proof that I am real and finding nothing. I can no longer make the drive into my counselor for help and feel stuck in my own very unreal very scary world. I don't know what to do anymore to make this Hell stop. I will forever hate the day when this idea of false reality came into my head and I struggle for answers and ways to stay sane and normal. My life is in shambles.


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## DisplayName

Hi, I'm 18/f/NYC. I've recently self-diagnosed myself with Derealization. I used to smoke marijuana on a weekly basis for about three months until the last time that I smoked. That was the biggest trip of my life.

I was in my boyfriend's town up in NH, and before that night I never had to worry about hiding my high from my parents. I always just stayed over a friend's place until it died down. But this time, we had to eventually go back to his house. And sooner than I felt comfortable with. He handed me Visine as he pulled into the driveway surrounding his house. "Ready?" he asked me, staring at me from the driver's seat. I was nowhere close to being ready, but if we had waited until I felt comfortable, we would have ended up camping out in the car. I tried to stall for as long as possible, but I could see that he was beginning to get annoyed with me, so I got up, took a deep breath and stumbled my way through the path that led to his front door. My heart must have been fighting to meet 300 beats per minute. I have always been an anxious person, but in the past I was pretty good at hiding my fear. To my avail the lights were all out, however his mother jumped up from the couch as soon as we entered. Oh, great! She had been waiting for us. My boyfriend sported a pair of "Party City" retro sunglasses that couldn't have cost more than around three dollars. I, on the other hand, went glassless, sporting my very obvious and poorly hidden Visine bloodshots!

The trip that followed was a long, leery and menacing one. I awoke the next morning to what I had thought at the time was just a hangover from the highly potent weed that we had ingested the night before. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of a long, difficult battle with my own overwhelmed and neurologically ill mind.

So here I am today, looking to find a way out. I have come to terms with the fact that this will not be an easy recovery, but I have promised myself that it will indeed be a recovery at that.

I'm looking for support and advice that can help me to know all that I need to know about this anxiety symptom. I don't feel completely comfortable giving advice of my own, as I am a new sufferer and cannot provide much at this time. With that said, I thank you for your kindness and patients with me until I can be more of a help to others.


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## freebird

like a lot of you have said, for as long back as i can remember i have been like this. although, i could probebly recall the first time this happened. at a young age of 13 i was intrigued with the though of smoking weed, so why not try it? the feeling i got from smoking, never went away. although it was minor, it stuck with me. but then about 2 years ago, i had met up with a drug dealer and smoked with him. this was no ordinary weed, it was deffinitly laced. the whole night seems very fuzzy in my memory, but i do remember him trying to rape me. i'm not sure whether this happened or not, it's as if my mind blocked out the memory for my own sake. things just haven't been quit the same since then. i remember 2 days after that night telling my close friend that this "high" has never gone away, sadly i didn't know it was the start of something far more then a high. since then i had this feeling as if i was in a permanent dream. voices became muffled, the world became to look as if i was looking through a glass window. i knew i was living and i was "there" , but i had no feeling of control of what my body and did and what i said. unaware of what this was, i accepted it was normal, and continued to smoke weed and drink. although i did stop for about 6 months, that feeling never went away. i tried explaining to my boyfriend of a year about this "dream state" i've been in for years now, but he assured me that i was fine and just tired. it was not until yesterday, that i accepted that this was not a normal thing to feel, it was uncomfortable and scary. i looked up my exact symptoms, and they alll matched up to dp. although i feel relieved that i finally found what was wrong, i'm scared that this feeling will never go away. i'm so very happy that i found people who are dealinv with the same things as me.


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## Avalanche

Hi everyone









I'm so glad to find this forum, well 'relief' is a better word as I finally know that I'm not alone in all of this!

I have only this week realised what my condition is through a Psychologist I confided in. Can't believe it after all this time.

It all started for me when I was about 22. I remember exactly where I was when I had my first DP experience. I was sitting on the back of a bus one morning after a really bad night, when all of a sudden I felt completely removed from myself like I was watching a movie with all these people in it. I was so scared I thought I was dying. It felt so unreal. During this time I remember having a realy bad panic attack about what was happening to me. I went to bed in the middle of the day and literaly felt my legs and arms becoming numb. Looking at my arms and hands was my worst experience as it just felt like they didn't belong to me. It was all so scary.

I spent many months feeling extremely anxious and was too scared to tell any of my friends what was happening in fear that they would think I had gone crazy. I thought that if I go to seek help I would have to undergo a brain transplant or worse.. It seemed there was no hope for me and that I would just have to live with it. I truly believed that I was the only one this had ever happened to.

Well this is 24 years later on and I still suffer from this condition 24/7.


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## Nandi

I'm new to this site, but like everyone else who's happy they found it, I'm glad I did too.









I started to first experience DR when I was extremely young. I'm 19 now. I think it started when I was 8 or 9, and at the age, I had no idea what was happening to me. I just knew that something was wrong with me... that something was not right. Being around crowds would make it even worse. But the coming and going symptoms of DR stopped when I was 13. My doctor prescribed me my first antidepressant, Lexapro. It pretty much leveled me out and made me feel normal, if that makes any sense. Since then, though, I've been on different medications. I was admitted into the hospital after tying to commit suicide when I was 16, and the DR symptoms started back and were sky rocketed then. When I left the hospital, they prescribed me Prozac and Abilify. After having a substantial amount of weight gain (107 lbs - 149 lbs) and worsening of depression, my doctor put me on Cymbalta. It leveled me out for a little while again, and my DR symptoms seemed to disappear, especially with the help of seeing a counselor every day at school, and seeing my therapist outside of school a few times a week. After awhile, though, I stopped taking the Cymbalta, and that was the worst withdrawal I've ever been through, physically. My DR symptoms came back, but they weren't as bad as they had been before. When I was 18, finishing my senior year of high school, I went homebound because I wasn't on any medication, and wasn't seeking out therapy. My depression worsened, but my DR symptoms weren't too bad. They didn't get extremely bad until I started working my first job. I quit that job a few months ago because I couldn't handle the pressure or the stress. And a few months ago was when I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That's when I first started taking Lamictal and Klonopin.

Disregarding this book I pretty much just wrote, my DP symptoms started along with my DR symptoms about four days ago when the withdrawal started (I've never experienced DP before this). It's the worst feeling I've ever been through. I think the scariest thing about it the most is feeling lonely, intense numbness, afraid, feeling as if everything and everyone you care so much about aren't real at all, feeling as if you're not you. I play piano all the time, but for the past four days, I haven't had the spark to play it. When I try to sit down and do it, the notes are too loud, and my fingers feel foreign. It's sort of like that movie Inception... not being able to understand reality after awhile. It's so... distorted. The best I've been doing is praying and having faith(my personal choice, which is helping a lot), thinking positive, surrounding myself with a strong core of family and friends who I can call at 3 a.m. when I feel as if I'm going completely insane and who are there to listen and try to understand, and doing things. Going places, having fun. I'm just trying to be the old person I used to be, even though it can get debilitating. It just feels amazing to know I'm not the only one going through this. I know I haven't been going through this DP experience as long as some of you have (4 days isn't long at all, lol), but I have been going through DR for going on twelve years now. It pretty much soaked up my teen years. I just pray that everything gets better for everyone here. And if you don't believe in prayer, well, I'll keep you all in my thoughts.


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## chris765

Hi everybody my name is chris and i am 21 years old. Ive been suffereing with mental distresses for about 4 years. Wheni was 17 years old i began to get intense feelings of anxiety out of no where and they wouldnt go away no matter what i did. i then began to get depressing from having to dela with the strong anxiety all the time. I then began to seek help and went to a psychologist who said i had very bad anxiety and depression and then reccomended i got to a psychiatrist for medication. there i was put on lexapro which didnt help, then i was switched on to cymbalta and abilify which also i didnt see muchimprovement on so i stopped using those medication on my own. I felt very helpless and didnt know what to do at this point. This was when i began to feel there odd feelings of being disconnected with myslef, my thoughts, my body and i felt completeltly lost as a person and didnt know who i was anymore, i was about 18 years old at this time.

i started doing research on my own at this point and discovered something called depersonalization. when i read all the symptoms i initally felt relieved that i foubd an answer and finally found out what is wrong with me yet i was also felling hopeless becasue all of the articles and websites i came across all said there is no exact cure and treatment for it. So, to this day i have been dealing with these horrifying feelings like as if i am outside of my body watching my self to through the day, disconnecte3d from my thoughts, dull emotions, easyily fatigue, and tired with many other symptoms. Ther beast way i can put the way if eel is that i am going through the motions of my day not ever beging connected with myself, my surroundings. I also have bad anxiety and i have mood swings alot. Some weeks i am feeling positive and accepting of my conditiona nd situation and others times i hate my life i get frustrated with my feelings of depersonalization and just cnat stand liveing like this anymore.

I am currently going to a therapist once a week and see a psychartist who as put me on a medication called risperidone. I have dicussed my depersonalization with both of them and my therapist doesnt know much about it and doesnt really help me with ways to go about dealing with it and my psychiatrist tells me that most people with depersonalization see their symptoms fade over time and they go back to their normal selves.

It is very frustrating that neither of the people that are supposed to be helping me cant do anything about it or dont know what to do. I am very lost right now, i dont know what steps to take and really where to go from here. it sucks becasue i constantly feel so alone, in my own world and my family doenst understnd me and doesnt know how to help. I would really appreciate it if someone could give me some feedback or apoinions on what to do that would be so great. - Chris


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## Lifesjourny21

I developed Depersonalization 2 days after I was started on 20 mil of celexa. I have never ever had this before and it scares me. I have a toddler to raise and I am a stay at home mother and my husband is deployed. And I am by myself most of the day. I wish it would just go away. Also I had to cold turkey the celexa because I was developing phycotic tendancies. Something I have never had before either! I hate hate hate celexa! And I have tried Paxil, zoloft prozac, remeron and wellbutrin. I started on zoloft for my first ad and was on it for 7 years which was way too long. Because I started it when I was 13! Which I did not need in the first place. Anyways after I had my baby I was on it for awile and than got off again. I did not have any withdrawl symptoms. Well I became depressed again because my husband is deployed. I tried getting on 25 mil of Zoloft and in about 30 minutes I became depressed and crying about everything.! hard to beileve I know/ For two weeks I kept trying to take it and I kept getting worse. I wated a month and tried again same thing







And than tried Remeron same deal.again with the depression and weepyness. Than I tried welllbutrin because it was saposed to be in a differant class of ad's. Same thing but now with anxiety which was never a problem before. I had tried the paxil and prozac but this was a few years before. Anyways I feel into a deep deep depression where I couldnt even get out of bed. My mother watched my daughter and I was sent to the Mental Hospital because the Phycologist didnt want to deal with me comming in every week anymore. I was there for a week. I was started on 20 miligrams of Celexa right off the bat. Day two I got severe depersonilization and had a panic attack when I looked in the mirror. I didnt know what was going on because I never felt like that before. 20 mins after I took it I felt like I had ice going though my veins. I would than be happy and than sad all day like extreme until at 6 every night it would level off into happiness. Than I also got extreme anxiety and could not sleep for more than 30 minutes. I asked the dr there is this normal? He assured me it was and would pass in two weeks. I beileved him and hoped for the best because my depression was so severe there was a teeny glimer of hope. This continued on and got worse and worse and so did my depression. I would littarly take it and in one hour I would be curled up in a ball on the floor shaking and confused and vommiting. I felt like I was going to die. at 4 weeks I my depersonilzation gotso bad I couldnt even look at my own body. and I developed severe derealazation and felt like I was in a tottaly differant place. Like I didnt know where I was who I was or who anone else was. I remember going to my moms because I could not function and I remember telling her I dont even feel like im in my own head! It was the weirdest feeling in the world. I knew what I was doing and stuff but I felt like half of my brain was shut off I cant even describe it. So I tried 10 miligrams for four days. I also felt soo crazy like I could snap and not care! I never understood before how ad's could make people kill others or them sleves but sadly I now understand! I didnt even call my dr I just stopped taking it. Its been two weeks and I am feeling less crazy everyday but I still feel depersonilized. I forgot what normal life is like. Everyhing feels so weird. Like I always ask my self why am I doing this why am I doing that? I am currently trying to trea my depression with running eating healthy drinking alot of water and taking a supplement called EM power plus. It is expensive but it works the only thing is that is pushes the celexa out and makes your withdrawls worse. So I am taking 3000 miligrams as needed to stop the withdrawls. It does help with the dp alot and racing thoughts. So I guess I am just venting. I feel like I amat loss of hope. I have been severly depressed for 4 months now I feel like im losing all hope. I am at my last straw. I want to know how much longer I have to feel weird and sad. I hate it I want to be the best mom I can and be active and take my daughter swimming and to the park. Yes I am active everyday to keep things off my mind but I feel like I am not completley there. It hurts because I love my daughter more than anything. And I also quite smoking and am trying to be very healthy. Its like why do I have to hurt so bad. And everyone including my husband and mom I talk to thinks im exaggerating about how I feel. But I swear on my life im not. It is seriously unbearable where I cant take it. I am not simply being dramatic or throwing a fit I feel like im in hell most of the time







I just wish I could meet someone who is going through the same things or similar. ahh it feels so good to get this off my cheast. sorry for the spelling


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## Lvik

Hi,
I'm 15 and live in belgium. I got depersonalization after smoking weed
I used to smoke weed regularly for about two years, 4-6 times a week.
So back to November 2010, I just wanted to relax before school started. 
I smoked a joint that morning with a few friends, nothing special about.
I've never had any problems after smoking weed.
This time it went simply wrong, I do not know what came over me. I got into a huge panic attack and got hallucinations.
At first I thought I had a badtrip, although this seemed pretty impossible to me.
After a few hours I calmed down, but this strange feeling didn't go away.

_So to make a long story short._
I was hoping every day, I would wake up and feel 'normal' again.
It did not. 
But don't get me wrong, there were times when the dp / dr was not present.
But mostly it is.

I miss my old life; making fun with friends,going out,..
Medication helps me a bit, but nobody seems to understand.
&Nothing is the same.

So, this was my experience, short explained. I'm glad I've found this site.
I hope it would ever be the same again,
and for all of you!


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## vathomson

Hi i am a a 58 year old grandmother of 12 About my DP: about 4 months ago I got to a point where I couldn't go any where or see anyone without feeling so strange like l was watching myself from a distance questioning every thing I said, every move I made, it was like everytyhing was just going on around me, it started happening in every aspect of my life even around my family. Even to the point that when interacting with them I didn't feel any real emotion. I said what I knew I was expected to say, acted as I was espected to act (like open hugs-how great it is to see you-how are things going? all the time wondering why I really don't care and would much rather be in my room by myself because there I(still had these same feelings, feeling kind of like a phoney but if i was alone at least no one could find out what was really going on) at the same time finding it hard to believe that no one could see how bad I was feeling and how unrelated l felt to what was going on. l wanted to stop feeling like this. I knew that on some level I felt like this for as long as I can remember back into early childhood, school years through graduation from high school, 2 marriges, raising four children(sometimes as a single parent) being a Vet.Tech. for 15 years (which while I was working was when l felt the most normal) of course the feeling wasn't always dibilitating, I did what l felt l had to do, sometimes feeling like it was all just a story going on around me. For the longest time I thought that this was how it was for everyone not until recently did l notice that by watching people strangers and family, that they didn't seem to be feeling how l was or even noticing anything was wrong with me. I went to a counselor(keeping it a secret) after telling him everything is when he told me I had DP and the more he explained the more I realized, oh my gosh, this all makes sense now, of course, all but why I am doing this. He feels because of lack real bonding with my mom, what he called a "neurologic pathway" that is usually developed at around 1 wasn't developed properly. We have been working on forming a new pathway. I still feel like that to some level but feel alot more functionable most of the time. I am no longer keeping my therapy a secret, and feel definite moves forward, usually like 3 steps forward 2 steps back. I try to feel positve for improvement and quality in my life. I am so glad l found this site, it is real helpful and very refreshing to know l am not going insane, that even at 58 there is hope to change something that has been on some level effecting my relationships and life what seems like forever.


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## Concerned Mom

New here....My 17 year old son has been suffering with DP and DR for well over a year now, maybe two. We just recently discovered it to be DP. We thought it was a brain tumor or some severe vision problems.

After a battery of vision tests, and an MRI....all being negative--- physically healthy, I met someone that showed us about DP. He has every SINGLE one of the symptoms 24/7..... out of body experiences, blurred vision, people's faces MOVE in and out.

We're getting set up for counseling. He's taking vitamins (B12, GABA, Niacin, St Johns Wart) and trying to exercise more. At first, he was VERY happy to discover it was "something" and he isn't going CRAZY. Now, he is just frustrated, as it won't GO AWAY.

His was triggered by pot. He no longer smokes pot, and won't drink either.

Looking for other parents dealing with kids with DP. It is so sad, SO very heartbreaking, so UNDISCOVERED!! and understudied. We are totally against the drugs, as we believe they are not a "cure"....

Hoping to get him into some acupressure and maybe hypnosis.

As parents, we feel guilty that we are not spending every SINGLE waking moment trying to help him OUT of this nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!







(((

SO SAD in Idaho........


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## TheStarter

*8 Months in heaven*

Back in January 2010, i decided i need to change my life and do something.

I have always admired musicians and poëts, i decided to do something with music and art, i had already played 3 months of guitar and wrote some poetry before i came to the decision of changing my life.

So i needed inspiration, i remember from being a bit younger that weed would always make me feel so much more connected to music and art.
And so on i decided to start smoking weed again.

1 month later, im better with the guitar, wrote some songs, and watched alot of Documentaries about space









Now time goes by, School was going super great, my sex life was way better when stoned and more enjoyable, and most of all, i made quite decent songs and developed a half-decent singing voice (Nowhere near perfect), time to learn how to play the drums and the keyboard.

In that time a new sort of hash showed up in the coffeeshops here, it was called *'Amsterdamsche Schaartjes'*. It basicly was Ice-O-Late inject with alot of 'pure' THC-Oil,
And fuck, that shit was nice, It would give you a really strong high for 20-40 minutes, now 20-40 minutes isnt that long, but its what made this stuff ideal for usage on school.

*6 Months Later*

Its summer, quite alot of parties, was enjoying life pretty much, smoked around 4-6 joints a day for a month or 3 so far.
It was quite standard, Woke up using it, went to bed using it.

I started to get more liked with my own music, life was still going better and better.

*8 Months Later*

Its around October now, i started to feel worse, had pretty much panic attacks when smoking weed or hash.
School was still going good, life was getting a bit more boring, i think cause weed would just be nothing for me anymore.

*10 October, The day my passport expired.*

My passport was valid untill this day, so it expired. On that night, i smoked a joint, and it made me feel weird, different. *I was Depersonalized* but i didn't knew it yet, i just thought i was sleepy and so went to bed. I woke up in a slight Daze, but the weird feeling was *Gone!*

So i just thought, yea i knew it was just a weird stoned and it won't happen again, and it didn't, for a week.

*20 October, The day my new passport arrived.*

I was out of it, i panicked, i thought i was going into a psychosis.
I met somebody 4 years ago on the internet through gaming, he developed DP 1,5 year ago, he is also on this forum and he's the one that told me about this forum.

So thanks to him i quickly knew what was going on.

8 Months of getting high and enjoying life has ended, i was rejected, send down to *HELL*, took the wrong junction when i was driving back to heaven.

*10 Months in hell... and counting.... *

So the 10 months of DP so far i could describe as;

Death, Cold, Heartless, Near Emotionless, Depressed, Suicidal thoughts, Confusion and loveless.

I can write down all the things i have done in the 10 months of DP, tried alot of medications and supplements, they worked for my mood, but not for my DP, i can just describe this period of DP as i did above.

*Was it a sign from God with the passport thing? *

*No*, im not superstitious or religious, im an *Atheïst* for that matter, i just think its a funny coincidence, maybe i'll be healed when this passport of the depersonalized me will expire, would be a nice coincidence, but i wont count on it. And im just mentioning this just because i can









Greetings,
TheStarter


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## EverDream

Concerned Mom said:


> New here....My 17 year old son has been suffering with DP and DR for well over a year now, maybe two. We just recently discovered it to be DP. We thought it was a brain tumor or some severe vision problems.
> 
> After a battery of vision tests, and an MRI....all being negative--- physically healthy, I met someone that showed us about DP. He has every SINGLE one of the symptoms 24/7..... out of body experiences, blurred vision, people's faces MOVE in and out.
> 
> We're getting set up for counseling. He's taking vitamins (B12, GABA, Niacin, St Johns Wart) and trying to exercise more. At first, he was VERY happy to discover it was "something" and he isn't going CRAZY. Now, he is just frustrated, as it won't GO AWAY.
> 
> His was triggered by pot. He no longer smokes pot, and won't drink either.
> 
> Looking for other parents dealing with kids with DP. It is so sad, SO very heartbreaking, so UNDISCOVERED!! and understudied. We are totally against the drugs, as we believe they are not a "cure"....
> 
> Hoping to get him into some acupressure and maybe hypnosis.
> 
> As parents, we feel guilty that we are not spending every SINGLE waking moment trying to help him OUT of this nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> (((
> 
> SO SAD in Idaho........


Hey, it's nice to see a loving parent seeking help for her son.

I'm almost 25. I suffer from DP for 6 years. First you should know that family support is highly important. Don't underestimate it. It sounds like you are doing a good job so that's a good start. It's good he is keeping a healthy life style. Therapy can help as well. Is he suffering from anxiety/ depression? Those things usually goes tougher, and making it harder for the DP to go away. Therapy can help with those things, and also other kinds of therapy that are in more focus on DP, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy(ACT). I believe in the importance of a well known structure as well. And trying to keep on his usual stuff,as much as possible of course, even though it's very hard and maybe lack of any meaning. About meds, I don't know. It's a matter of judgement. I support meds mostly when the suffering is unbearable and you can't function at all/ while being suicidal/the condition existing far too long and nothing helps/etc. From my own experience, meds made my condition better and also took away a lot of the DR, mostly the terrible visual aspects. Last thing, he is still very young and he got this from pot so chances are good that it will get better in time until it will be gone completely. It can disappear just like that for no apparent reason. So keep up with the support and have some faith. Good luck!


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## Bomber11

I began this experience on March 15, 1978 at 2:15 pm when a thought came in to my head. With that though a switch was clicked in my head like a light switch. It was the shutting off of myself from myself- some unconscious safety mechanism. I discovered years later that the thought I had was not true, but it was too late. I was living in the dorms at college when this began,and I was 20-years-old. What happened next I can only describe as an emotional death spiral. My family and friends initially saw me as irritable and unhappy. All the while I was going down hard inside. I became extremely paranoid. I had a fear of shame. I felt disconnected from myself. I became less and less functional. I dropped out of college. I became extremely lost and depressed and alone.

My parents recognized there was a problem and, I was hospitalized for the first time in 1979. I felt somewhat better after this but it did not last long. I tried going back to college but I was too overwhelmed emotionally. I spent a year crying every day and night-lost and confused. I lived off my student loans. I never went out in public except to buy food, cigarettes and alcohol. There was a flat roof outside my living room window. I would sit out there all day watching the world go by.I eventually went back home to live with my parents -which was a disaster. I then ended up going in to a long-term hospital for 7 months. This was very helpful.

The best therapy I had after that was a job. I worked at a hotel for $4.00 an hour. I rode the bus and lived in a boarding house. I worked in the convention services department there at the hotel. Around the holidays the work was slow at best. I lost my apartment and began living at the YMCA. I went hungry and I was lucky to have 45 cents in my pocket. And by the way the YMCA has nothing to do with Young Men nor Christians. I worked at the hotel for 4 years and was making $4.55 when I left. However, while there I was able to somewhat re-learn how to function in society again. All the paranoia,fear of shame, and feeling of being disconnected from myself continued, but I was better able to manage it.

While I had a great deal of support from my family the turning point for me was when I met a young woman-Karen. We began dating and eventually moved in together. I felt connected to her and to society again through our relationship. She was in the social work field. I began to work at a group home for adults with developmental challenges. I went back to college and got a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology. I got a 4.0 GPA my senior year. 10 years after starting college I walked out of my last class-German IV and I think it was one of the most soulfully happy experiences I have ever had. While walking across the campus 'oval' one of the sun tanners was playing Tears for Fears 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' The sky was blue, the sun was shining and I was walking on air. I turn to mush whenever I hear that song.

I eventually got a Master's degree in Social Work. I later got married and had a son. I went though a difficult divorce while I was 1,000 miles from home. Being a father to my son got me through this time. I would not fall short of my responsibilities to and love for him. He is now a happy and soulful young man going to college. I am now 54-years old. I work in the Social Work field of child welfare. I am fortunate to be financially secure and to have a job that I love doing [I keep my Convention Services name tag on my computer to remind me of who I am]. Many 'emotionally-troubled' teenagers come through my office. I can connect with them in a way even they can not know.

I would have to say, in conclusion, that the level of disconnection I have with myself is identical to the moment that switch went off in my head. The only difference is my interpretation of it. I maintain a stable life-style which requires some level of denial. Still, every day is still a struggle for me. I still have a some level of paranoia and some sort of self-stabbing 'tape' in my head. And while I have neatly summed up my experience here, there is no way to describe in words the depth of pain and suffering I have experienced. Yet, in the end, I am still here, and I am still trying.


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## noname

I realize that Ive never tell my story. That would be a great stuff in order to try to "recollect" myself, a thing wich I find hard. Im french, I have perhaps a bad use of eng. language, sorry for that.

Ive always had a weak identity sense. I remember, in my teens, that I was often questionning myself about "who is me", ect, sharing to close one my doubt about this problem. But I was always passionnate about something before DP DR, that can be music, nature, political stuff, or skate... Anyway I suffered often from lack of self esteem, bout of depressive mood, sometime a "help me" outside appearance. I was often drawn into imagination too, perhaps as a mean to reinforce link with current passion wich was appearing somewhat "weak", as if I was fighting vs a kind of internal risk of loss, as if I knew inconsciously that DP-like stuff was my destiny.
I remember too to get some short-lived DP episode, never hard, often due to fatigue. For exemple I get one of them when I was at theater with family, wich last 2 hours, and it seems when I get out i was able to get back to normal by myself. Lol, if it was possible now, it would be great.

So. I smoked non-regularly cannabis (lets say 2 to 10 joints a year) from 14 to 19/20 yo. Ive a story of experiencing stuff like Salvia, and some other crapy sniffed stuff.

Around january 2006, I do a epic cannabis bad trip : I smoked on a hand made pipe, and feel quickly that somethink will go very wrong. I get a huge fear to lose control, and I just went into my bed and tried to stay calm. I just cant stop the panic attack , I remember to get memory from chilhood, strange vision, ect. The bad vanished, and I forgotten it for 3 month and lead my normal life, but I knowed something was wrong. At this time, I find these feeling funny : I played with my perception, get new idea about life and possibility, but at the same time I was feeling that my brain was a bit wrecked and cant imagine clearly things like before. This dont bored me at time, because I was never really connected to my health. 
I smoked some other joint (wich make me feel very great), salvia.
And... March 27 2006, at a party after a day of hard work, I smoked just a cigarette, close my eyes, and feel like disappearing. Its as if I was suddenly propulsed into the space when I look at the black of my closed eyes. A 4-hours panic attack followed this. I was thinking that it will be better the day after, I was obviously wrong. I remember the hell dont precisely begin at the panic attack, but a bit after. the day after, I was feeling somewhat just more wrong than before, and was trying to bypass it : but 2 hour after I wake up, I began to discuss with a friend, and see that I was not anymore connected with the things I identified as "myself" before.

You all probably know continuation : anxiety, what happen, ect. I find the "depersonalization" term quickly, after 2 week, wich really was a mirror of what I was experiencing (that dont prevents psy to just being unable to trust me : first thing to avoid seem to come at psy with a self diagnosis, u are sure to be not trusted whatever you are right or not, at least in france).
Ive managed to rule out schizophrenia fear quickly, after 2 or 3 month. Anxiety too. Ive stopped to look for help (I never get one from my family, the result was just more tension, and nothing from psy, but I didnt really persevere). After 5 month, I wanted not anymore to hear about DP/DR, and I focused on other things. DP was always here, and I was in a mix of denial and resilience. I finally get some good mark at school, go into a great university (even if not really sure of what I want), realize some dream (go into music more heavily, buy materiel, learn - yes, when you cant "dream" anymore, you "do". And I certify thats not better at all - doing without imagining/feeling is just fruitless bean counting). 
I could be able to live like this for the rest of my life if only I dont go through a first aggravation in 2008, and a harder second in 2010.
I somewhat "recovered" (ie forget about it - yes its possible when your symptom are managable) from the 2008 one, but the 2010 let me in a permanent state of nothingness. Im permanently depressive, I just cant concentrate, I dont have any relationship, Ive get a really gloomy outlook of life, I broken a 5 years relationship with my girlfriend, I get lose into medication (it seem that SSRI have aggravated motivation and thought problem). Ive simply become a bitter asshole, I cant maintain any interest into something (and im tired to try, this lead only to self-attack period), Im not into music anymore (and I have to admit Ive come fear it, due to the fact thats connected with my old self). I consider too that I dont have family : this sound idiot (but its what Im now, there isnt other word), but when I see what happen into other family, its simple, I can deduce that mine is composed of heartless volatile ignoring asshole.
I just dont understand wtf have happen in my fucking brain for changing my personnality to the worst, when I was somewhat okay before even if depersonalization. Its incredible.

I often think that a part of my brain absolutely want to grow more quickly, and have actually 90yo, is close to death, when the rest stay 25. I often think too that if I was able to daydream like before, DP/DR would be a joke. Ive just lose this ability, and probably all my creativity.
Imo in addition to DPD ive a personnality disorder, perhaps borderline, covert narcissism, or passive aggressive, something like that...

My view on DP : easy, I think DP is a form of "acquired brain damage", like tinnitus or HPPD. The three phenomen have in common trauma (at least often - but there is always a possibility of lifelong tinnitus, visual disturbance, DP without identifiable trauma), a possibility of quick recovery (day, month, 1 year max) or no recovery (too important brain damage). The three have really probably to do with a genetical factor wich involve hightened sensibility to mechanism wich lead to a peculiar type of brain damage (wich are probably excitotoxicity in the case of trauma ( >> tinnitus ,HPPD, PTSD or DP, ie many sort of trauma)).

The possibility of recovering from DP thru adaptation when symptom stop to improve is really probably similar to impact of tinnitus on life : while the symptom arent really too much disabling in intensity, you can have a normal life. If not, thats the end for you, its quite simple. At least thats what Ive experienced.


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## Mr Indifferent

Hi I'm a 24 year old man living in the U.S and have started therepy since november for depersonalzation, I have been dealing with this since the 6th or 7th grade

I never socialized with people outside of going to school growing up, no friends phone numbers, not much hanging out. my social time was school, boy scouts, and my town's local church youth group.

Now that I am 24 years old I feel out of touch and emotionally immature, insensitive and otherwise enept

My inner child is stuck in the fetal position I have days where I am super confident, and long periods where I feel like everything surreal and life is on fast forward and nothing seems goes my way.

My physical bullying growing up has from age 4 to 1st or 2nd grade has taught me to ignore my feelings and not trust them

surpressing my emotions feels like cronic heartburn and my heart feels like its ready to jump out of my throat

I tend to find myself having to apoligize to my friends for not thinking about what i'm saying and then realizing that what I said was either insulting or demeaning

My love life is in the toilet, 2011 was a great year for me...lol

I play flirting with women pretty aloof and fickle, I go to a local community college in the state of connecticut and live at home with my parents and two siblings...but back to woman

So spring semester of 2011 found me flirting with this 19 or 20 year old student librarian named sarah

I was picking up her signals and we conversed pretty well she seemed somewhat shy, long story short I wanted to get to know her...

but I was more concerned with protecting her from my insensitivity I never got her number or told her what my deal was, then I saw another guy make a move and that was my way out of the situation

well her feelings got her she seemed to panic and told her co-workers and friends how much of a jerk I was, Oh and she felt nessasary

to quit her job don't I feel guilty

This fall semester was as much of a success as the librarian..lol

A 21 year old girl name rachel who is a receptionist for the college tutoring center, she pulled out everything in her female playbook

examples: she taps me on the shoulder to ask if i'm going to the tutoring center because she

was going to get lunch but she wanted my assurence that I would see her at work that day, another time she invited me to celebrate her

birthday dinner with her and her friends, and offered me her cell number on more than one

occaison even offered to help tutor me in the future when I take a spanish class and it ended with me not knowing what I wanted she asked

to give me her number I went into emotional zombie mode and said "maybe later...but i'll keep you in mind" and somehow I thought I

should pretend to check out her female co worker..smooth

Now she hates me and is telling everyone i'm a jerk

I really hate feeling like i can't control what i say, think or feel and it makes me feel like I can't be a good friend or date because

people get hurt emotionally near me ...ugh


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## Daybyday!

Hey Everybody!

I'm new on this forum, and am a DP/anxiety sufferer who is now well on my way to recovery. I'm a college student, junior year, and it all started for me about five months ago. I remember about mid way through the day just getting these little panicky feelings, which would subside, but left me wondering what was going on with me. That night I was with my boyfriend and remember suddenly feeling like I was out of my body and that I didn't recognize him... or more so that I'd lost the ability to feel the familiarity and connection between him and I. He calmed me down and I went to sleep.

The next day, I assumed everything would be okay... but needless to say, it wasn't. I started noticing that my vision was strange. It felt two dimensional and blurry in a sense. People and objects seemed to have a blurry haze around them. Being an avid marijuana user, it really felt to me like I was high with no ability to come down. It was the beginning of a really bad trip. I felt like I was losing my mind. I became ridiculously aware of my every thought and movement. I felt emotionless. I knew the people I was surrounded by but had so little connection with anything that they began to feel like strangers. Mirrors began to be a real fear of mine, as I saw a perfectly normal reflection but felt so little like a normally functioning person. I didn't want to leave the house or see people because I feared they would notice how unlike myself I was. There were even moments when I distinctly remember sitting in class, with anxiety levels so high that I couldn't think beyond taking my next breath, and looking down only to be smacked with the wild sensation that I didn't feel like I was looking at my own body. I felt so detached from myself and everything around me. It honestly felt like my world was ending.

Now, that being said... I'm very glad to say that I do not feel anywhere near as badly as I did then. But it was a long road. I saw a therapist... who was essentially a trash can for my money. She told me to relax and breathe... thanks Sherlock, you're PhD is well deserved.

I went on an SSRI and sort of just waited for things to get better... and they did!... until about two months later when I went home, was surrounded by new people, and began exhibiting symptoms again. I was desperate, refused to go on any more medicine until I had some sort of clue what was wrong with me... and I stumbled across a book that absolutely changed my life. That's where I'll leave this story, because a story of recovery is very different that an account of my struggle with this terrible condition. I totally plan on posting in the recovery section of this forum with details on how a different way of looking at this condition can change everything you ever thought about it. I'm still taking it day by day, trying to eliminate any traces of the remaining anxiety that continues to be a struggle.

God Bless and please look to my other post if you get the chance.


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## marcgervais

Hi,my name is Marc. Im new to dpselfhelp and would just like to share my story and hopefully some of you can relate and reply to this. The past 8 months of my life have been a nightmare and I am desperate for help... Ill start by talking a little about me and give you some of my "mental health background" and stuff.

Alright. Im 18 years old and grew up with my two parents and brother who is 2 years younger than me. I grew up playing all kinds of sports, had good friends, played guitar, visited my grand-parents and relatives regularly, had the opportunity to travel a bit with my family. I guess you could say I had a pretty good regular life. In june of 2006 at 13, my parents told me they were seperating as a result of my dad being homosexual. The gay thing didnt really bother me and still doesnt, but obviously the fact that my parents were seperating had a big impact on me. my life wasnt stable anymore as I now had two homes and my stuff like clothing etc) were all over the place which stressed me out. Also I had to share a room with my brother which I hated because we are totally different and did not get along at times. Also, I did not get along well with my mother and we constantly argued and Ill admit I had anger management problems. I went to therapy and got rid of the anger issues and was anxiety free. The year after, things were going great until I panicked while doing an oral presentation at school and from that moment on had a phobia of public speaking which caused me to dread the ne next time I had to do a presentation which made me anxious constantly. The year after that my grand mother passed away and that hurt me really bad.. I never really delt with her loss and sort of repressed it. The year after that, I had a girlfriend and we were constantly arguing and she was unfaithful and it was just a big mess, for almost a year (since broken up). And in between all that I was stressed because I knew my parents were arguing about money and I really had nonstop anxiety for about three years (the classic symptoms of mot being able to sleep at night, heart constantly beating, worried, tired, but never felt and DP or DR).

Now Ill talk about how my DP AND DR started. Last June (2011) a few friends and I were smoking weed ( I did not smoke weed regularly and would do it only once or twice a month). I was having a regular high until.... All of a sudden I couldnt feel my body.. everything around me was so hazy and foggy... everything I heard was echoed... I started to panic. I thought I was going to die and it was the worst experience of my life. I dont know if any of you have seen the movie Numb, but whatever happened to the guy, it happened to me. I went to bed in that panicked state and was hoping it would go away... The next morning I woke up and its like the high hadnt gone away, I litterally felt I was dreaming, I felt light headed, and my vision was so blurry (some descriptions of derealization say it looks like a pane of glass is in front of you, well thats exactly how my vision was. I thought to myself: oh it will go away eventually. Days and weeks passed and it hadnt gone away. I couldnt figure out what it was, I thought the weed had done brain damage. Then I started my first month of university, still feeling like this. I eventually had to withdraw from the institution because I was so spaced out all the time.

Here are the symptoms I feel EVERY MILLISECOND OF EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE:

-My vision is kind of like Im looking through a thick glass window, litterally
-When I talk, I know its me talking but I cant feel the words flowing from my mouth. They just come out and I can have a conversation with someone and my mind could be somewhere else.
-I feel like I on autopilot. Everything I do happens by itself when Im spaced out 100% of the time.
- I feel like Im not experiencing life, like its not because I feel depressed, but days like my birthday or christmas dont feel like special days, they just feel like any other day.
-I feel like I have no concept of what day of the week it is. Weekends dont feel like weekends, mondays dont feel like mondays, time is just a big blurr.
-I know this is a trademark symptom, but I feel like Im in a dream the outside world is hazy and lifeless.
-I feel completely disconnected from reality and the outside world, like Im trapped in a bubble (I know it cliche to say this because thats how any website describes this condition, but I really feel like this all the time!!)
-I feel like I never wake up or go to bed, Im in an endless dream.
-Im so out of it that I feel disconnected from my body sensations and behaviours (like the motions of life)
-I feel like times passing by me but im never in the notion of the present (this is a description I found on wikipedia that make 100% sense to me)
-Its like Im seeing the world while being behind my eyes. I know this makes no sense but its the only thing I can think of.

Now for about 3 months I couldnt figure out a way to explain how I felt to my parents and family doctor because there are no words to describe these feeliings unless you actually suffer from this. My doctor thought it was just generalized anxiety and she prescribed me Effexor, which made it worse. I was on this from october 2011 to january 2012. Then one day I was looking up wierd anxiety symptoms and I saw depersonalization and derealization, which I had never heard of before. I started reading and I thought: Holy fuck... this is exactly how I feel! So I saw my family doctor once more and explained to her how I felt again. She took me off the effexor and refferred me to a psychiatrist who I first saw in January of 2012. After explaining my symptoms to my psychiatrist, he agreed that it was definitely not just anxiety. So he prescribed me Seroquel before bed and Clonazepam twice daily. I have seen him twice so far but he believes that DP and DR are just symptoms of another mental disorder which makes me so mad because I feel this 24/7! A fever is a symptom of the flu, but imagine you had a fever 24/7,that would be fever disorder! I know this isnt the best way of interpreting it but im sure some of you will understand.

I have goals in my life. I want to get a nursing degree and become a nurse, I want to be in good health, I want to be able to play guitar and jam with my buddies and enjoy my student years, I wat to eventually have a family and a wife ( I know im 18 and its early to say but I have ambitions!) I want to be successful and travel and be comfortable financially, I have so many dreams in my life and I realize I cant have everything and that life has obstacles sometimes, but fuck... I cant do anything with these horrifying symptoms being with me 24/7... The meds Im taking now arent doing anything bad but they arent helping either! Im getting used to living like this and am starting to lose hope that I will ever get better... So if anyone took the time to read this long and probably boring story, please tell me how I can get better and how you are coping with it... Im doing everything I can to get better like seeing a psychiatrist, eating well, excercising, but nothing seems to work...

Thanks for reading,

Marc


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## Emillie

jraffett14 said:


> Hi. I was just wondering if anyone else has similar fears to me. It's probably easiest to explain this by telling my story about yesterday...
> 
> I'll become worried that I'm living in an alternate reality, and then I'll become hypersensitive. I'll hear every word that I say. Then I'll want to know why I said every word that I said. If I move my leg 20 inches to the right I want to know why I did that. If I run my hand through my hair I'll want to know why I did that. It's a constant obsession of whether I have control over myself or not. And I think that's what causes me to almost feel displaced from reality. Moreover, I'll get wierd thoughts, like related to my vision. For example, I'll feel uncomfortable about whether what I'm seeing is real.
> 
> - Afrika


First time I've seen this, it's the same for me. It's the most exhausting thing I've ever experienced.


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## WonderGirl

My Story (WARNING: Long!)

This is the first time i've been to a forum directly related towards DP/DR. I've decided to finally join a forum like this after I relapsed pretty bad from my anxiety this morning.

Anyways

A little about myself. I am a 16 year old girl, and I will be turning 17 very shortly actually







My childhood wasn't so great...I am a victim of sexual abuse and domestic violence. I am currently fighting against my father in court to finalize the order of protection my mother and i filed against him a few weeks ago. I lived with my father up until January of this year. Around this time, I was having pretty bad panic attacks. Unpleasent, but still managable. When I was in 3rd or 4th grade that's when I started to have anxiety. I remember running around the house in the middle of the night like a crazy woman while the rest of my family was peacefully asleep. I would also wake up with night terrors often. Not a good time. For a while, I believe I was in denial about everything and my childhood memories of abuse faded into the back of my mind for years. It wasn't until the beginning of this year that everything came tumbling down.

Back in November of 2011, I (stupidly) decided that I wanted to try smoking weed. Bad idea. After smoking, I had a very bad panic attack. My mind and body did not feel connected at all. This was the first time I truly expirenced DP/DR. Everything became very dream-like and I remember sitting in my friend's bathroom crying and feeling like I had absolutely lost my mind. I layed in her bed trying endlessly to go to sleep to try to forget what had happened and trying to get my reality back. It was traumatizing. After a few hours I had finally calmed down enough to feel 'normal' again. I never thought it would come back.

I'm not exactly sure what caused everything to come back in January of this year. I remember sitting on the couch at my mom's house and suddently having a panic attack and the scary thought that i would die right then and there. I thought of what happened back in November and that only made it worse. I had to go back to my dad's because of school but I know if I had another panic attack I wouldn't be able to handle it there. So I moved in with my mom.

I honestly thought moving in with my mom would be some sort of cure for all my anxiety. Wrong. It continued on and off until the middle of Feb. 2012. Thinking of it now, my anxiety around that time definitely wasn't as bad as I had it in November, but it still persisted. This of course sent me spiraling into depression. I would lay on the floor in my mom's room for hours just moping around and isolating myself. During this time, I had another DR episode and I felt very alienated from my own home and family; I didn't know what else to do besides wait it out. It did eventually fade away but it sent me into a severe depression knowing that the DP/DR sensation could pretty much return any time I had anxiety like that. I remember laying on the couch at night contemplating suicide. I couldn't take all these years of anxiety anymore. I went outside and prayed to God that he would take away this pain I couldn't handle myself anymore. I went back inside and eventually cried myself to sleep.

The next day at school, I was having another anxiety attack. My depression was also making it difficult to be at school. I went into the social worker's office and finally confessed my feelings of severe anxiety and suicide. She immediately called my mom and I was sent to a nearby hospital, St. Joes. I went to outpatient services for about two weeks. I believe it helped me get off my feet from the time I was laying on the floor and moping for hours, but it didn't truly cure my anxiety or depression because the majority of the issues covered were anger and drug/alcohol abuse, none of which was a problem for me. I hated weed and knew I would never go back to it. However, it just opened the doors for me to get on medication and further therapy (so I guess I can't complain about that







. After my outpatient was over, I returned to school and was set up with a youth counseling system. I met with a very nice lady named Elizabeth. Since drawing is one of my hobbies and she was majoring in Art Therapy, we decided to go with that. It made me feel good to sit and just release whatever I was thinking about and draw what I felt like. My counselor diagnosed me with general anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia, and PTSD. She wanted to see if I was schizophrenic but since I never hallucinated I don't think she was extremely concerned about it.

The combination of counseling and medication was really starting to help me out. I forgot to mention that the medication I was taking Zoloft, started to be too much at first when I was taking 50mg and feeling very out of it and 'zombie' like. I reduced to 25mg and felt better. I noticed when taking it in the morning, I would get very tired and spacey during the day. I started taking it at night and I started having nightmares. Every night. If it wasn't a nightmare, it was a very vivid and weird dream that would leave me puzzled and wondering during the day. I'll explain more of this later.

After my hospitalization, DCFS came in after I admitted to what happened to me during my childhood. During the interviews, my anxiety would get really bad and I would get tunnel vision. My heart would start pounding like crazy and I couldn't think straight. Did not enjoy it. I got through it though and even though the case is still not closed, I feel a little weight lifted off my shoulders.

During the past few weeks I have tried to tip-toe around my anxiety. For a while, I've just been trying to make it through the day. I like being at school because it forces me to get my mind off things. Also, after the time I felt alienated from my own family and home I did not generally like being at my house because it brought back anxiety just knowing that I truly wasn't 'safe' there. I dunno. I was also trying to sneak around my anxiety because I just got back together with my old boyfriend of two years. When I vacationed with him last summer, I had really bad anxiety and I went to the hospital. They told me I had a UTI so I guess that excused my anxiety a little but I still felt terribly guilty for messing up the family vacation a little. Whenever I see him now, I do generally feel better but I still have bouts of anxiety. Bleh.

Okay.

So last night I had a really vivid dream, I don't remember exactly it was about but it involved a lot of fighting and running away and so on and so forth. It makes sense though because the night before, my mom and her fiance were in a terrible argument and I was really stressed out. I was in a deep sleep but I woke up around 10am this morning just feeling god-awful. I woke up feeling derealized and questioning my own reality. It was like expirencing what I had back in November mixed with the feeling of being alienated in my own home back home a couple months ago. I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety but thankfully I talked myself down from it. I felt shaky for a few hours feeling extremely vulnerable to my anxiety. Itold my mom and she said it was probablt stress. I agreed and tried to go on with my day.

Then...!

I went to go lay down in her bed because it was more comfortable than mine. Then suddently I had ANOTHER horrible expirence of DP/DR. Oh my god. I walked into the kitchen and my head and body were not connected. My mom tried to talk me out of it but it just wasn't happening. I went back to the bed and closed my eyes for a very long time. A couple hours. I wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn't. I remember being in a deep-trance sort of state just thinking about my anxiety all the way from November until that very moment. I was trying to figure out why it had come back and if it would ever go away. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING, felt like a dream. I remember my body, my whole body, felt like jello and felt like I was floating. It was crazy. I went to my mom's fiances house and on the way there I felt like I was in a dream, waking up over and over again. I felt so distant from everything around me. I got to my moms fiances house and layed on the bed for a couple hours. I distracted myself with the TV and to my surprise my anxiety actually went down a little. I made myself broccoli and almonds with berries. I haven't eaten anything since I woke up besides a tiny piece of zuccini bread but I think the food helped a little. Unfortunately, my anxiety was so bad that I had to cancel plans for my boyfriend to come over today...which I NEVER do. I felt guilty but I didn't want him to see me in DP/DR mode and him worry about me.

Anyways, I'm trying to recover from this terrible anxiety I had today which I never thought would come back like this. I'm kind of afraid to go back to my mom's but I will try to stay strong. Knowing that the feeling is temporary with anxiety and knowing that I am not the only one who suffers this definitely helps a lot. I do feel bad for my mom taking care of my because she's having other issues herself and i'd much rather be there for her. I just have to get through this and pray that I can get away from the past.

I don't think I should have tried to tip-toe around my anxiety. I really thought I was almost recovered until today. When I suffer DP/DR, EVERYTHING feels unreal and dream like. My whole body become like jelly and whenever I walk I feel like i'm floating. I feel alienated and I have weird 'what if' thoughts. Also very lightheaded. Scary to even think about. I notice that my anxiety also gets worse when i'm sick or when i'm on my period. If anyone has any tips or comments on this, please tell me. I would like all the support I can get. Thank you for taking the time to read this









Love, WonderGirl


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## Fabricio

Hi.

I have dp/dr 24/7 since 7 years. I am 21 years old. I dont have anxiety, i didnt smoke marihuana. I dont know how came. This experience is constantly since this time.

I feel like my body isnt mine.

I know very little cases as mine. I believe this is a chronic dp


----------



## There and back again

Hi All
After recovering from this condition a couple of years ago, I stumbled on this site by accident and felt I should try to help anyone who is out there thinking they've lost their minds.
I found a way out of my dp-dr hell by realising that the more I thought about my condition the less likely it was to ever go.
I realised that the condition was due to my brain being overloaded with stress and the way out of it was to not constantly think about it.
The thoughts and feeling that I was suffering from were on my mind every waking second...........The brain needs time to rest, to think about nothing, to not be constantly hassled.
I know its easier said than done, especially when you feel in a very scary and dreamworld state, but you need to rest your brain and allow it to recover from your incessant questioning......If you can just go with your condition and not question it, you will recover quicker than you can imagine.
After I understood the cure, and finally got my head around it I recovered. It doesn't happen instantly, but you learn that its your own inward looking thoughts that fuel the illness.

LET IT GO AND JUST RIDE OUT THE STORM, TRUST ME AT THE END OF THE STORM THERE'S A GOLDEN SKY !!!!!

Isaac, 35 year old from southern England


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## There and back again

Rodrigo said:


> Hi.
> 
> I have dp/dr 24/7 since 7 years. I am 21 years old. I dont have anxiety, i didnt smoke marihuana. I dont know how came. This experience is constantly since this time.
> 
> I feel like my body isnt mine.
> 
> I know very little cases as mine. I believe this is a chronic dp


Hi All
After recovering from this condition a couple of years ago, I stumbled on this site by accident and felt I should try to help anyone who is out there thinking they've lost their minds.
I found a way out of my dp-dr hell by realising that the more I thought about my condition the less likely it was to ever go.
I realised that the condition was due to my brain being overloaded with stress and the way out of it was to not constantly think about it.
The thoughts and feeling that I was suffering from were on my mind every waking second...........The brain needs time to rest, to think about nothing, to not be constantly hassled.
I know its easier said than done, especially when you feel in a very scary and dreamworld state, but you need to rest your brain and allow it to recover from your incessant questioning......If you can just go with your condition and not question it, you will recover quicker than you can imagine.
After I understood the cure, and finally got my head around it I recovered. It doesn't happen instantly, but you learn that its your own inward looking thoughts that fuel the illness.

LET IT GO AND JUST RIDE OUT THE STORM, TRUST ME AT THE END OF THE STORM THERE'S A GOLDEN SKY !!!!!

Isaac, 35 year old from southern England


----------



## There and back again

Emily said:


> First time I've seen this, it's the same for me. It's the most exhausting thing I've ever experienced.


You describe my experience completely and utterly, its as if we are the same person, I had the same feelings exactly !!
Below is how I overcame the illness,try to give it a go as I totally understand your fears.
This is a genuine post and I'm not looking for anything from you....Good Luck !

Hi All
After recovering from this condition a couple of years ago, I stumbled on this site by accident and felt I should try to help anyone who is out there thinking they've lost their minds.
I found a way out of my dp-dr hell by realising that the more I thought about my condition the less likely it was to ever go.
I realised that the condition was due to my brain being overloaded with stress and the way out of it was to not constantly think about it.
The thoughts and feeling that I was suffering from were on my mind every waking second...........The brain needs time to rest, to think about nothing, to not be constantly hassled.
I know its easier said than done, especially when you feel in a very scary and dreamworld state, but you need to rest your brain and allow it to recover from your incessant questioning......If you can just go with your condition and not question it, you will recover quicker than you can imagine.
After I understood the cure, and finally got my head around it I recovered. It doesn't happen instantly, but you learn that its your own inward looking thoughts that fuel the illness.

LET IT GO AND JUST RIDE OUT THE STORM, TRUST ME AT THE END OF THE STORM THERE'S A GOLDEN SKY !!!!!

Isaac, 35 year old from southern England


----------



## There and back again

marcgervais said:


> Hi,my name is Marc. Im new to dpselfhelp and would just like to share my story and hopefully some of you can relate and reply to this. The past 8 months of my life have been a nightmare and I am desperate for help... Ill start by talking a little about me and give you some of my "mental health background" and stuff.
> 
> Alright. Im 18 years old and grew up with my two parents and brother who is 2 years younger than me. I grew up playing all kinds of sports, had good friends, played guitar, visited my grand-parents and relatives regularly, had the opportunity to travel a bit with my family. I guess you could say I had a pretty good regular life. In june of 2006 at 13, my parents told me they were seperating as a result of my dad being homosexual. The gay thing didnt really bother me and still doesnt, but obviously the fact that my parents were seperating had a big impact on me. my life wasnt stable anymore as I now had two homes and my stuff like clothing etc) were all over the place which stressed me out. Also I had to share a room with my brother which I hated because we are totally different and did not get along at times. Also, I did not get along well with my mother and we constantly argued and Ill admit I had anger management problems. I went to therapy and got rid of the anger issues and was anxiety free. The year after, things were going great until I panicked while doing an oral presentation at school and from that moment on had a phobia of public speaking which caused me to dread the ne next time I had to do a presentation which made me anxious constantly. The year after that my grand mother passed away and that hurt me really bad.. I never really delt with her loss and sort of repressed it. The year after that, I had a girlfriend and we were constantly arguing and she was unfaithful and it was just a big mess, for almost a year (since broken up). And in between all that I was stressed because I knew my parents were arguing about money and I really had nonstop anxiety for about three years (the classic symptoms of mot being able to sleep at night, heart constantly beating, worried, tired, but never felt and DP or DR).
> 
> Now Ill talk about how my DP AND DR started. Last June (2011) a few friends and I were smoking weed ( I did not smoke weed regularly and would do it only once or twice a month). I was having a regular high until.... All of a sudden I couldnt feel my body.. everything around me was so hazy and foggy... everything I heard was echoed... I started to panic. I thought I was going to die and it was the worst experience of my life. I dont know if any of you have seen the movie Numb, but whatever happened to the guy, it happened to me. I went to bed in that panicked state and was hoping it would go away... The next morning I woke up and its like the high hadnt gone away, I litterally felt I was dreaming, I felt light headed, and my vision was so blurry (some descriptions of derealization say it looks like a pane of glass is in front of you, well thats exactly how my vision was. I thought to myself: oh it will go away eventually. Days and weeks passed and it hadnt gone away. I couldnt figure out what it was, I thought the weed had done brain damage. Then I started my first month of university, still feeling like this. I eventually had to withdraw from the institution because I was so spaced out all the time.
> 
> Here are the symptoms I feel EVERY MILLISECOND OF EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE:
> 
> -My vision is kind of like Im looking through a thick glass window, litterally
> -When I talk, I know its me talking but I cant feel the words flowing from my mouth. They just come out and I can have a conversation with someone and my mind could be somewhere else.
> -I feel like I on autopilot. Everything I do happens by itself when Im spaced out 100% of the time.
> - I feel like Im not experiencing life, like its not because I feel depressed, but days like my birthday or christmas dont feel like special days, they just feel like any other day.
> -I feel like I have no concept of what day of the week it is. Weekends dont feel like weekends, mondays dont feel like mondays, time is just a big blurr.
> -I know this is a trademark symptom, but I feel like Im in a dream the outside world is hazy and lifeless.
> -I feel completely disconnected from reality and the outside world, like Im trapped in a bubble (I know it cliche to say this because thats how any website describes this condition, but I really feel like this all the time!!)
> -I feel like I never wake up or go to bed, Im in an endless dream.
> -Im so out of it that I feel disconnected from my body sensations and behaviours (like the motions of life)
> -I feel like times passing by me but im never in the notion of the present (this is a description I found on wikipedia that make 100% sense to me)
> -Its like Im seeing the world while being behind my eyes. I know this makes no sense but its the only thing I can think of.
> 
> Now for about 3 months I couldnt figure out a way to explain how I felt to my parents and family doctor because there are no words to describe these feeliings unless you actually suffer from this. My doctor thought it was just generalized anxiety and she prescribed me Effexor, which made it worse. I was on this from october 2011 to january 2012. Then one day I was looking up wierd anxiety symptoms and I saw depersonalization and derealization, which I had never heard of before. I started reading and I thought: Holy fuck... this is exactly how I feel! So I saw my family doctor once more and explained to her how I felt again. She took me off the effexor and refferred me to a psychiatrist who I first saw in January of 2012. After explaining my symptoms to my psychiatrist, he agreed that it was definitely not just anxiety. So he prescribed me Seroquel before bed and Clonazepam twice daily. I have seen him twice so far but he believes that DP and DR are just symptoms of another mental disorder which makes me so mad because I feel this 24/7! A fever is a symptom of the flu, but imagine you had a fever 24/7,that would be fever disorder! I know this isnt the best way of interpreting it but im sure some of you will understand.
> 
> I have goals in my life. I want to get a nursing degree and become a nurse, I want to be in good health, I want to be able to play guitar and jam with my buddies and enjoy my student years, I wat to eventually have a family and a wife ( I know im 18 and its early to say but I have ambitions!) I want to be successful and travel and be comfortable financially, I have so many dreams in my life and I realize I cant have everything and that life has obstacles sometimes, but fuck... I cant do anything with these horrifying symptoms being with me 24/7... The meds Im taking now arent doing anything bad but they arent helping either! Im getting used to living like this and am starting to lose hope that I will ever get better... So if anyone took the time to read this long and probably boring story, please tell me how I can get better and how you are coping with it... Im doing everything I can to get better like seeing a psychiatrist, eating well, excercising, but nothing seems to work...
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> Marc


Hi All
After recovering from this condition a couple of years ago, I stumbled on this site by accident and felt I should try to help anyone who is out there thinking they've lost their minds.
I found a way out of my dp-dr hell by realising that the more I thought about my condition the less likely it was to ever go.
I realised that the condition was due to my brain being overloaded with stress and the way out of it was to not constantly think about it.
The thoughts and feeling that I was suffering from were on my mind every waking second...........The brain needs time to rest, to think about nothing, to not be constantly hassled.
I know its easier said than done, especially when you feel in a very scary and dreamworld state, but you need to rest your brain and allow it to recover from your incessant questioning......If you can just go with your condition and not question it, you will recover quicker than you can imagine.
After I understood the cure, and finally got my head around it I recovered. It doesn't happen instantly, but you learn that its your own inward looking thoughts that fuel the illness.

LET IT GO AND JUST RIDE OUT THE STORM, TRUST ME AT THE END OF THE STORM THERE'S A GOLDEN SKY !!!!!

Isaac, 35 year old from southern England


----------



## Vivid Dreamer

Hi everyone, my name is Max. It feels weird to even introduce myself, because my name seems like it belongs to somebody else. I am new to this site, but I have been with DP/DR symptoms for years. My story is a bit complex, but I will do my best to cut to the essence of it.

I'm 22. It probably started around high school in a very gradual way. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depression around that time. I had a traumatic upbringing with an alcoholic, aggressive father and constant bullying and alienation at school. Because of these things I became very introverted and rarely spoke to anyone. I didn't do any drugs at that time, I think it was a combination of traumatic emotional experiences and introspection that brought it on. I was trying to escape reality, and it worked. I think in my case Derealization came first, because I started to lose track of the boundary between my dreams and reality. I always had a sense of what reality was supposed to be, but I wasn't interacting with it in the same way anymore. I developed very bad insomnia, which made my symptoms worse. My symptoms have always been worse at night, and in the morning right when I wake up, although they are always there. I have three dreams every night and I remember them with extreme clarity, including lucid dreams. Sometimes I will be having a conversation and reference something that happened, and then realize that that was in a dream. I think that my DR is more under control now than it used to be. I know how to trick myself back into reality, though I still have occasional moments when I am stressed out where I allow it to take over.

As I matured, Depersonalization became more advanced. I have a habit of obsessively making lists of all my personality traits, because I am trying to pinpoint which things are constant about myself. I am very aware of my ability to invent personas that can aid me in interfacing with the world. It is a sort of survival thing. I have a few different default personalities that I have named, this one is Max! I don't have multiple personality disorder because it is within my full control and it is something I consciously do. I do this because without inventing a competent personality, I would be a floundering ego-less mess. However, I know that "Max" isn't really me. I get in long winded debates with myself about whether a person is judged by who they are on a primal level or if people are really the sum of their personas. I read a few other people's responses who said that they felt they were on auto-pilot when in conversations with other people. I feel the same way when using my constructed identity. When my DP is really bad, I lose track of who I am and I lose my ability to rationalize in this way. I will be talking to someone and start to have a panic attack because I can't understand why what they are saying is relevant or how I should respond. When this happens it is usually accompanied by a visual screen that is foggy and seems electrical, like static. I have classic symptoms like looking at my hands and body for long periods of time, feeling like I am not human, loss of inhibitions, feeling like a marionette, and feeling like the world is a movie or a dream.

My story has an unfortunate turn, which I very much regret. I was getting better about two years ago. I was taking zoloft, which gradually treated all of my symptoms effectively. I no longer suffer from my anxiety or depression problems, which is a huge relief. I threw myself into my work, and the constant socialization helped me to become more a part of the real world. I had smoked marijuana a few times before, and it didn't alter my cognitive process at all. It only added in time dilation and made some of my DP more intense, but in a way I could come back from. One time I smoked, and it turns out that it was laced with PCP. I started to have convulsions and developed a fever and had to be taken to the hospital. What is interesting is that the drug trip also didn't affect my cognitive process, it only made it more intense. So I would describe having DP as being like a a low grade PCP trip! However, after coming off of it my DP symptoms have been the most intense that they have ever been in my life, and my usual coping skills can only take me so far. I know that I can regain my normal self though. I've had a taste and I won't just let it fade away. But in the meantime, it isn't the worst condition to have if you can find a good headspace to interact with it from. Sometimes I am afraid I will do something I regret because the world seems like a fake set with fake people, but I always choose to do the thing that I know will make me happiest in the long run, which includes keeping stable relationships and jobs.

There is so much more that I could say, but I don't want to bury you guys in text. I hope that everyone here can reclaim what they have lost one day. Otherwise I just hope that we can all try and escape from the void and try to be happy with what we do have.


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## angeldust

Hi I have only recently heard of DP and feel like I can finally understand what's wrong with me, I have looked into all sorts of other mental disorders over the years, but never felt I fit into any of them. I have read some of the stories on here and can relate totally to some of them. Here is my story.

I don't remember a time when I felt normal, I know for a lot of you DP has appeared at some point but for me its just always been there, as a child I always felt different and could not explain why. It felt like I was someone else of from another world and I didn't belong. Its hard to explain almost like my soul was trapped in this body and place and I didn't want to or shouldn't be here. I spent a lot of time in the fields above my house just wishing I could run away from myself. When I look back I find it hard to remember anything other than these weird feelings, experiences. I saw an old friend the other week and she was on about a holiday we went on together when I was about 14, I have no memory of this at all, this happens all the time. I used to see blobs in front of my eyes, often had the feeling of floating or leaving my body. would often feel like I had shrunk and was really small. I remember been with a group of my friends once and just feeling totally detached to the situation, I was trying to understand what they were saying but it was like I wasn't really there.

As I grew up I found it harder to cope, my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me, I felt totally alone, and did not feel capable of loving them. I fell into drugs and alcohol and left home at an early age. It felt like I knew something about life and the universe but my brain couldn't quite grasp what it was. I remember once when I was high feeling like I had worked it out but when I came down I had forgotten it again.

I am now nearly 30 and it has not gone away but I have managed to hold down a job and live a "normal life", I feel like I have learnt to do this from copying others I do not feel it. Everyone especially my mum can not understand my independence, I do not need other people as I feel no connection with them although I do try to form relationships the best I can. I still feel the same though, every time I go out its like I am seeing the world for the first time, which I kind of like cos it always looks so beautiful and full of colour. I still feel detached, distant, like there is something that I just cant touch, the person inside me is not the one I see in the mirror, that this world is wrong. It honestly feels that the DP is the truth and all this is just a lie, I have never felt a normal to go back to but I sometimes have a glimpse of it, kind of like seeing it through a window if that makes sense.

Does this sound like DP to anyone, would be really nice to know what was wrong with me after all these years.


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## Invisible Chicken

Hi, I'm 21 and for about the last four years I have been noticing that something was wrong with me. Since then I have been trying so hard to find out what it was and it has only been a couple of days since I found this, but already so much of it makes sense to me. Anyway I basically have no sense of empathy and only surface level emotions. I'm apathetic about most things and that is making it hard for me to prioritise as it is impossible for me to comprehend repercussions of my actions. Sometimes I wonder if I affect people at all. If I were to disappear, would anyone notice and I am so scared that one day I will just disappear inside my head, but part of me wants to so badly. I have never drank alcohol or used drugs recreationally, yet this is the best way I can describe what it's like for me, it's like being on a high for very short time, I will just be completely disconnect and I can't comprehend what I'm seeing, I can't even describe it properly, but then I sort of come out of it and I 'crash' and I feel depressed, disorientated and I just want to disappear. I have been to see a doctor about it, but because I don't outwardly show that something is wrong with me, not only does he dismiss me, but others do as well. I know there is something wrong with me because the way I am can't be ok and the way everyone else is. I find it extremely difficult to make friends and so I have become completely absorbed in pop culture, comics, books, movies, TV; other people’s stories have become my life and I wondering if I am just making it worse. I am losing myself every day and I am fighting so hard to stop that, but I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's good or bad that my 'symptoms' are episodic and since I am constantly analysing myself, which apparently is, ironically, a symptom, and I find myself saying that I'm ok and I am just making stuff up. Even now as I write this, I am rechecking websites and I don't think I that I'm lying, but what if I am? Maybe I don't really disconnect. I just think I don't feel emotions or empathy. I don't hurt myself just to feel pain. Now I'm not sure if this is depersonalization because I don't ever feel like I am outside myself, more like I'm just completely disconnected from everything. More like getting erased than cut off from and I'm scared. I'm scared that even knowing what it could be won't make any difference. I'm scared that I will always be this way, or as my doctor said, there is nothing I can do and I just have to live like this and I'm scared that one day I will simply decide that I can't handle it anymore.


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## daydreambeliever

I wonder if some of you have the same things going on at all times, like instant unpredictable changes in mood? I was hearing (myself?) say how happy I was many times yesterday but this morning I am hopeless as ever.

I wonder about feelings too. Like I know two feelings that are real for me, and they are emotional/mental pain, even an agony, although I seldom cry, and anger, rage even, although I know better than to act on it. All other feelings seem somehow unreal or passing supper quickly.

My attention span is very short too and although I don't consider myself depressed necessarily, I have little interest in anything. It's like I have thought of everything and experienced all I want. My only goal in life now is more of the same. I feel defeated at times because I am interested in some things, but most of humanity is not interested really. I sometimes think I was meant to be a scientist. Then again I could also have been a dancer as that is something I could imagine doing all day, all week. Otherwise I have little interest in people, even nature, although I love nature. I could not do without it yet it's callousness separates me from really loving it.

My body has been used to keep up with the dream world I live in and suffers today because of the disconnect between it and what I think it should be able to do. I have been lucky that I am athletically built and until recently could do most anything I want. Now I have joint problems from demanding instant work required to do things that ordinary folks would have worked out first. I'm in my 50s now. I hurt myself over and over.

Eating and drinking are foreign also to me and do not feel natural. So I seldom notice hunger until it is ravenous, or thirst until I'm dehydrated. I eat and drink to excess when I do unless I pay close attention. I can't seem to recognize when I am satisfied.

It is a kind of hell living this way yet I don't remember a different way. People here talk about getting back to normal, well this is normal for me. I don't know even how to imagine being somehow more real.

I am not sure inside myself what is really important although I have this basic feeling that if a living being gets something out of whatever it's doing I should let it go for it, even the ants. Since I don't know myself, it seems appropriate. I watch a lot. I am somewhat entertained and feel a sort of communion going on with what I see. It is this that keeps me wanting to live and also separates me from the rest of the human RACE. I love people but I do not like them. I love life but I do not like it. I seem to be caught in a part of life's web, being fed and cared for without much involvement from me.

I don't have much of a purpose but I do notice that others value my friendship. I wonder why at times and on other occasions it seems obvious to me. I am different and bring out something in others, that is for sure. My search for peace within myself expresses itself especially now that I have gotten older. I can look at myself from many angles, and others too.

I have voices inside my head that tell me things. In my observations of the world there are conflicting feelings and values that my mind has taken in, and converses about, and "I" have no thoughts or real opinions of my own besides peace being of the greatest importance to me. A peace with all beings, even the weather. This is impossible but I notice that nature does not care if I am angry with it or not. It continues to feed me the best that it can. I have gained a sense of security that I imagine even death cannot take from me. I watch my mind work, I rarely feel like I am participating. Sometimes I feel like I have already lived and I am just waiting for the end.

When I first got diagnosed with depersonalization disorder and read about it 2 years ago I finally seemed to fit a dx although coming into this community has me wondering. I have had problems my whole life. I have been in and out of institutions and wrongly diagnosed time after time. I gave up getter "better" since I can't fathom what that would even resemble, in favor of survival, especially after noticing my young niece and 3 nephews seeming to be suffering the same thing. Now I notice it in my mom. Sometimes I want to slap these people and say "Wake the fuck up!" It might make me angry cause I see myself in them. I have children also, who are brilliant but troubled, and I go forward because I worry for them if their lives got too much harder to bear. Life is unpredictable. I am needed on some level here, even with all my difficulties.

I am getting ready to travel on a train from the NW USA to the middle of CA. I love traveling and watching the landscape. I will be driving back in my new camping truck. It is these times I enjoy the most. I am alone in life but part of it at the same time. I think I might be here just to learn how to be alive, an individual, divided from the whole. Only divided can we have a personality all our own. Only then can we really know what love is, what communication is. Language is so important. Have you ever thought about it? It is not only how we talk to each other but also to ourselves. Wth? Interesting to me. I feel an urgency at times to remember how to taste, feel, smell, talk, think. And ants, other beings, are learning how to be themselves as well.

Anyhow I could never read this long of a story. People do not interest me that much. So I will quit writing now. Hello out there. And a good day to you all.


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## Cris013

First months were the worst ! 
I'm almost recovered !! 
I'm feeling good now ...


----------



## invisiblemovement

angeldust said:


> Hi I have only recently heard of DP and feel like I can finally understand what's wrong with me, I have looked into all sorts of other mental disorders over the years, but never felt I fit into any of them.
> 
> its just always been there, as a child I always felt different and could not explain why. It felt like I was someone else of from another world and I didn't belong. Its hard to explain almost like my soul was trapped in this body and place and I didn't want to or shouldn't be here.
> 
> When I look back I find it hard to remember anything other than these weird feelings, experiences. I saw an old friend the other week and she was on about a holiday we went on together when I was about 14, I have no memory of this at all, this happens all the time. I used to see blobs in front of my eyes, often had the feeling of floating or leaving my body. would often feel like I had shrunk and was really small. I remember been with a group of my friends once and just feeling totally detached to the situation, I was trying to understand what they were saying but it was like I wasn't really there.
> 
> As I grew up I found it harder to cope, my parents couldn't understand what was wrong with me, I felt totally alone, and did not feel capable of loving them. I fell into drugs and alcohol and left home at an early age. It felt like I knew something about life and the universe but my brain couldn't quite grasp what it was. I remember once when I was high feeling like I had worked it out but when I came down I had forgotten it again.
> 
> I am now nearly 30 and it has not gone away but I have managed to hold down a job and live a "normal life", I feel like I have learnt to do this from copying others I do not feel it. Everyone especially my mum can not understand my independence, I do not need other people as I feel no connection with them although I do try to form relationships the best I can. I still feel the same though, every time I go out its like I am seeing the world for the first time, which I kind of like cos it always looks so beautiful and full of colour. I still feel detached, distant, like there is something that I just cant touch, the person inside me is not the one I see in the mirror, that this world is wrong. It honestly feels that the DP is the truth and all this is just a lie, I have never felt a normal to go back to but I sometimes have a glimpse of it, kind of like seeing it through a window if that makes sense.
> 
> Does this sound like DP to anyone, would be really nice to know what was wrong with me after all these years.


Hi angeldust, I have a lot of similarities with you. I also recently found out about DP after trying to research what this "weird feeling" was that I have gotten since I was very little. I was able to mask it from about the ages of 15 until now, at the age of 22. I masked it with drugs, opiates which were the most successful, but now I am about to start a career and I cannot be using opiates (drug tests, but also I feel guilty about the secret life, and I don't like the idea of being weak and having to rely on drugs - yet, they have helped me in so many ways - suboxone that is, not the heroin or other hard drugs). I have gone down to a very little dose and have started to feel the "weird feeling" every day now. I hate it. I want my old life back, the opiate life. I am currently using 1.3 mg of suboxone a day. Today I dropped it to 1 mg per day (I am trying to get to 0 without too bad of a withdraw), felt the weird feeling all day, and eventually landed here. Anyways, I also would think that I was different. Sometimes I would think I knew something more about this universe, but I could not explain what it was. Sometimes I like to think that I have more consciousness than other people, but I feel so self-centered to actually believe that, but when I was a kid I used to think that I did. I also oddly cannot recall events that many old friends can recall. I seriously cannot believe that they happened. Although, that is not much of an issue with me, just an odd characteristic of my mind. I also felt that my soul didn't belong on this body. I also would look in the mirror and I would get my "weird feeling" (that's what I called it back then, and the title just kind of stuck). I really, really do not like it and I am scared to come off of suboxone. I am glad I found this site, and it is nice to hear from you that other people feel what I feel. I also had parents that wondered what was wrong with me and even took me to a psychologist and I was only in 3rd grade. In my teen years they always asked me why I was depressed and I would get so mad because I was not depressed, I just had this weird feeling. I also left home and turned to drugs, but the suboxone made me feel so great that I enrolled in graduate school and moved back in with my parents to get started on a promising career. I am glad to know that you have been able to have a job. I always had this subconscious fear that I would have a hard time holding down a job. Yet, I knew I was capable of it, I just feared this weird feeling getting a hold of me.

Well, I suppose I should also explain my DP experience alone and not just the similarities with yours, angeldust. I can recall a night in which I was still sleeping in a crib. I was looking out the window and got a weird feeling. But I was talking to myself. I was feeling myself. I did not like it and I remember having lots of anxiety at night. My mother often had to come upstairs to my bedroom and stay with me until I would go back to sleep. As a baby, I cried almost constantly. My family never got much sleep. When I was a toddler, bedtime was still a problem. I would lay awake for hours. Sometimes I would want to scream for my mom, but I could not get the words out. I would think about screaming so much, but I just could not scream. By the time I was in grade school, I decided to get out of bed to get my mom myself. I remember the first time telling her I had a weird feeling. I was not thinking about anything or worrying about anything, and I wasn't sad or scared. I just had a weird feeling. One way I sometimes describe it is that it is somewhat similar to if, say all day you thought it was Tuesday, and then someone told you it was actually Sunday. You may feel weird. But it is so much different and worse than that. It is really like you feel in a different world, a parallel universe. It is like a world that looks exactly like the world you were in yesterday but is located on the other side of the universe. When I look in the mirror, I get creeped out. *I am constantly talking to myself. The weird thing is that when I talk to myself, I often say "you" when referring to myself. Like I am actually a 2nd person talking to myself.* My mom took me to a psychologist in 3rd grade and the guy said I had generalized anxiety disorder and I constantly told my mom that the guy was not right until we stopped going. In middle school, I had a very depressed appearance, but I was not depressed. I was somewhat hollow. I could be so excited about guys, but anything else was just like a tough shell around me. I often did not want to go to parties or to other people's houses like normal pre-teen girls. High school was pretty much the same until I started smoking weed. Then I constantly wanted to hang out with people that offered a place to get high. Eventually I started trying coke and heroin and became addicted to prescription painkillers. In 12th grade I was so sick of DP that I tried different anti-depressants including celexa, effexor, cymbalta, zoloft, some other thing, and then neurotin. I never found out if neurotin worked because that was the time I became a serious painkiller addict and that helped so I didn't need other medication. I stayed addicted for 6 years. The last 2 I used heroin every day. 6 months ago I switched to suboxone to get off of the heroin. Suboxone has given me the modivation to decide I didn't want to be an office drone and so I enrolled in graduate school to have a more interesting career. I have so much fun talking to people and going places. It is so easy to talk to people and I have improved at my job I have had for the last 6 years so much that I receive praise every day and am an example of good customer service, and I am the youngest one there. Before opiates, NONE of this even REMOTELY described me! I fear coming off of suboxone. I was stable at 1.3 mg per day and today went down to 1 mg and have already started to feel my DP coming back.


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## louise

There and back again said:


> Hi All
> After recovering from this condition a couple of years ago, I stumbled on this site by accident and felt I should try to help anyone who is out there thinking they've lost their minds.
> I found a way out of my dp-dr hell by realising that the more I thought about my condition the less likely it was to ever go.
> I realised that the condition was due to my brain being overloaded with stress and the way out of it was to not constantly think about it.
> The thoughts and feeling that I was suffering from were on my mind every waking second...........The brain needs time to rest, to think about nothing, to not be constantly hassled.
> I know its easier said than done, especially when you feel in a very scary and dreamworld state, but you need to rest your brain and allow it to recover from your incessant questioning......If you can just go with your condition and not question it, you will recover quicker than you can imagine.
> After I understood the cure, and finally got my head around it I recovered. It doesn't happen instantly, but you learn that its your own inward looking thoughts that fuel the illness.
> 
> LET IT GO AND JUST RIDE OUT THE STORM, TRUST ME AT THE END OF THE STORM THERE'S A GOLDEN SKY !!!!!
> 
> Isaac, 35 year old from southern England


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## louise

Hi Isaac
Are you still feeling well, I am intrested in how you managed to get over it all, did you have CBT or read anything really helpfull, I have had DP about 20 years but really bad for the past year and would value any advice I also live in the SE of England by the way, my mail is [email protected]
Louise.


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## wizard

well fuck i was the intellegent good grades played sports had a job normal 16 year old. i went to my cousins house for a week had half a chocolate weed bar, yeah that is a shit ton of thc for being my first time using maijuana fucked up my brain now im cntemplating suicide and school starts in 2 days fuck. im sure ill be fine the only thing to make me feel better is listen to tupac. oh yeah the worst part is i cant slleep at all so if anyone could recommend a supp ive already tried l theanine didnt help. my plan to combat this is to eat health exersize socialize (kinda hard just switched schools no friends) and sleep if i could get some. are there any supps that help sleep but dont help dr symptoms occur. oh yeah and i barley eat any food anymore because my stomach feels shitty. wow that was a crazy paragraph sorry i havent slept in a while. thanks for the help and support!


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## rerealizer

I depersonalized at age 15 when my dad left the home. He allowed my mom to throw him out. I was a whiz kid, but especially toward the end of my junior year in high school I was entirely dissociated and my interest in school had slipped. My senior year, I wasn't there. Got into drugs. Grades slipped drastically, classes dropped.

In college I didn't even try. Drugs and alcohol. Dropped out. Did have momentary clarity after religious experience on acid, quit drugs about six months and did church. But dissociated there too after awhile.

Went through jobs. Alcohol. More and more drugs. By age 26 I snapped out of it briefly after another religious experience. I repersonalized, but did not value people. The devaluation led me right back to alcohol and drugs to combat the isolation.

Complete devaluation at age 28 ran off with best friend's wife. Drugs drugs drugs. Had a baby with her at 31. Unable to hold job; pay rent, or utilities.

At 32 I got sober. Repersonalized in halfway house. Got back with friend's wife and my baby about a year, devalued. She left with the baby at two years sober. I placed zero value on myself, her, or my daughter. This was the biggest mistake of my life.

My lack of forgiveness of her led to utter irredeemable depersonaliztion. I have been unable to place any value on my self, my God; or others since. Until very recently.

Went one year without women and focussed on frenetic recovery activity. Still devalued. At end of year was like dog let loose on a steak and predatored hapless women relentlessly. Met a nurse who was going through divorce. I love vulnerable women. Easier to predator them. She dumped me and I entirely devalued God and my self.

Met my current wife after that -- currently 15 years later going through divorce. Completely dissociated unable to bond with her. She is cluster b BPD I am cluster c avoidant -- classic victim/abuser relationship. Her constant berating and devaluation I accepted (same as my mom) and by 2002 i had completed college and had a successful career but was completely depersonalized.

I was in law school and with the stress and devaluation I checked out. Moved out of house and had major manic episode. Flunked law school. I was no longer here.

Just spent 10 years in total depersonalization due to emotional abuse and devaluation of self and others. Victim mentality, sparsity mentality. Have successful career and make lots of money at job far below my potential.

Last two years, manic episodes in spring. Allowed myself to get kicked out of home at age 50 (same as my dad) -- completely devalued. Moved back 100 days and left with affair. Blew up my life.

Devaluation/dissociation and depersonalization obvious to my new love. I pulled the pin and tossed a grenade her way. Mini explosion. Hope to get her back. She tried to reel me in.

Complete deflation July 2012. Cried out to God and He appeared. I became free that day by being honest. The next day I repersonalized which was the strangest thing I have ever felt. I thought it was a stroke or an aneurism or something. Looked up symptoms on net and discovered I had repersonalized. Never heard of it.

In reality now about a month. Coming to at my job has been painful. It is far beneath me. I am forcing myself to stey for the money. The divorce and affair -- especially with kids involved - are devastating. But to live in reality is worth the pain. I see clearly what I did.

I have connected with family and friends in a major way. I look everyone in the eye now. I see their souls and let them see mine. I am back.

I have a bunch of new friends too. They value me and I am learning to value them. It is not easy. Lifelong habits are hard to break.

I am very happy to be realized, and despite the intense pain there is a constant undercurrent of joy I cannot express. I feel a driving need to help others repersonalize. And I am especially attracted to guys like me, who are depersonalized. I want to reel them in. With God's help rescued on guy already. He is getting a job, he has had the restraining order removed, and his son called him after one year estrangement. I thank God.

Complete deflation - crying out to God - worked for me. I had to turn to Him entirely or I was getting outa here. He told me to help Him keep men alive long enough to find Him. And that is what I'm doing.

I am learning to avoid those who devalue me. I slip back into dissociation after connecting with them. I connect with others like myself, and healthy people instead. I am learning the difference and it is painful.

Thank you for letting me be here -- really here.

rerealizer


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## DP4LIFE

I am a lifer. Suffered from 17 years old after a pot smoke (prolly only 3-4th time I tried it.) and I'm now 37. 20 years.

First episode after joint was 2.5 years (1992-1993) or so then I gradually became better and did not realise it was from the pot then I did it again (1996-1998) from one joint.

It was funny because when I tried marijuana before drinking I would not react but the last 96-98 episode I did not drink before it. Bang DR severe with DP.

Nothing would make it go away. Everything looked like comic characters for years and I was extremely sensitive to light, I could not shop because of the fluorescent lights. It seems that fluoro light and sunlight have UV characteristic. For some reason alcohol and valium seem to dampen this effect.

Any ways I had a good run from then with pretty much complete remission except DR made worse by sunlight up until 2009 (exactly 11 years) and then bang out of nowhere the worst DP I have ever experienced. (there was a few stressor's brother MVA, parental family breakdown.) However there has been no remission, it is by far the longest and most debilitating episode. Symptoms also are totally changed and foreign to what I had coped with before.

I went from being super fit in the gym to not being able to walk more than a few hundred metres. I cannot lift heavy objects. This will definitely cause a severe panic attack and DP reaction. Before I would learn to accept my condition and eventually break the 'pain' or better worded the 'symptoms' barrier and it would lift and I would feel good. Not this time and never since.

I cannot fly, I cannot go to a dinner, I have lost my appetite, I lost the ability to read for awhile, I spent 9 months stiff as a board on a couch at home not getting better. First time I had considered seeing a doctor. PDOC. Had every test known to man, Brain Scans, ECO, thyroid, ECG x 20, CT, bloods, hospital stay (physical) and nothing. DX Severe depersonalisation disorder, gad, panic disorder, and SAD. Quite a handful to cope with to say the least.

Weirdly I find it hard to stay emotionally stable as-well which never really happened before it mainly affected my perception of things not my thinking or emotional stability. Albeit suffering terribly inside.

So that's my story. I pity the fools who have no idea how debilitating this condition is, not the precious lives of people who have it.


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## drex

I am also suffering from something like yours. I feel like I exist in another reality. This is damaging especially since i'm a Christian and I believe in God. I wonder if i'm not in a program or something. My head feels like it has so much pressure in it. Sometimes I feel like i'll forget how to talk or move so I constantly make random noises to ensure I am fine. I used to be slightly spaced out but one day as I drank Cane and started to get high, I felt separation from myself. I blame the alcohol and tried to fix myself by smoking weed. I thought weed would amplify my senses like my friend told me but no. I smoked high grade, female plant and all that. It always made me feel unreal but I would go back to the less unreal feeling it caused. I got busted, my mom came to school and I felt like I had compromised and I was guilty. I'm praying and trying to relax.


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## drex

Hey there. Have you tried praying to God.







He is the creator of the brain. I am also trying to relax 24/7. When I feel scared I distract myself with a movie. I have watched Avengers like countless times. Each time it looks new. Everyday I watch it, i feel better than the last time i watched it.I think it is anxiety. I am scared of telling my mom about this condition







. I don't want people to think i have some sort of mental issue. It's painful keeping it all within. I just pray to Jesus Christ to cure me. My life seems pointless but I want it to feel real and with purpose again.


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## EnigmaticExistence

Hi, i am new to this forum. I am 20 years old and I started to have DR/DP when i was in middle school. I don't know the cause for it; one day out of the blue, it just consumes my life. Back then, i wasn't able to explain what i was experiencing to my parents. I went to the doctor and they referred me to clinic that does CAT scans. After the test, they explained that my brain seems normal, but i didn't feel normal at all. I knew something was wrong with me. I felt like everything around me was happening to quickly and I wasn't able to keep up with it. When I talk with people around me, it feels like it is not me talking. Since everyone said i was fine, i accept this weird perception of reality as a normal thing. Miraculously, my DR/DP went away as i got into high school. Now I am in college and it came back and it's merciless. I started experiencing DR/DP ever since fall semester started. I guess what triggered it was anxiety and stress I've been dealing with going into fall semester; there were problems that i was dealing with that probably triggered my anxiety. Then school started and I started to feel more stress and pressure. I have four class this semester: Arts 101, Physics 101, English 101, and Gym class. Going into physics class, i was so overwhelmed by the amount of work that i have to put for the whole semester. I knew wasn't able to handle it and i was experiencing DR/DP at the same time. What made it worse when i had to share the news to my father that i dropped my class; i was even more anxious and stressed out. He was pretty rational about when i told him when i dropped my class and wanted to change major because my current major was too much for me to handle. When I thought everything was fine, it wasn't. Some weeks later, he revealed to me what he truly felt about me dropping class and changing major. He told me that it made him sad that he couldn't sleep that night i exposed the news to him. After dinner, i felt horrible and anxious. I felt like i let him down and i failed as a son to make his father proud. From then on, my life started to go down the hill. My DR/DP intensified. I started to feel more detached from my reality. I started to feel like i am not in control of my body. I started to feel less emotional. It's like i lost all sense of reality; I don't know what reality is anymore and I can't recall the feeling of being normal. Plus, my parents doesn't know i have DP/DR. Everyday is a struggle. I try to force myself to think that i am alive and I am me. I told the close people in my life about DP/DR, but it seems like they don't understand. They think i am fine when I am not; it was all in vain telling them. I am experiencing it daily now. It is potent when i wake up from a nap, so i try not to take naps. As of right now, I am trying to relax myself to alleviate my DR/DP. In addition, I hope everyone recovers from this.


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## Yakopp

To help with your depersonalization, find things to occupy your mind. Hangout with friends, play games, laugh, watch your favorite TV show etc. Do thinks to make you forget you have this disease. Because the more you think about it, the more it comes back. And the more you read about other people's experiences with it, the more scared you become. Stop reading topics about derealization on google and other websites because it just keeps bringing you back to the fact that you have it. The moment you forget about derealization is the moment you're cured.


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## Fernoso716

How everybody doing. Here is my story...

I was a heavy opiate user 8 pills a day of the 10 325 mg....for about 2 years. This past Sunday my mother finds out from my fiancé and tells me she's disappointed and wish I stop. So I agreed to stop...went to the store and brought some g13 synthetic weed with my boy and commenced to smoke it. (First time ever). So he takes a few hits den passes it to me next thing I know I hit it twice and experienced the worst trip I ever expierenced. Everything was so bright and my boy looked cartoony. My body moved as if I was a robot I could feel every molecule in my body. During this trip I started wondering if I was in hell I also started questioning if I was real or not. I left his house frantically with the worst thoughts ever in my head..scaring myself I get home n breakdown. I have been to the psyc ward Tuesday and was out Thursday and signed up to see a psychiatrist But wats weird to me is that I'm well aware of my surroundings. My past ...my memory is intact but for some reason I can't realize if I'm feeling the way I'm supposed to feel. Almost like I'm questioning is this really me.....I've been opiate free since Monday and the withdraw is horrible. Vomiting diarrhea rls..shakes ..etc....I'm just looking for answers and if I will ever feel like the me I was before Sunday?????? Can sumone answer that??


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## clintonbcj

(Sorry if its all jumbled up )Ok so where do i start ..i've had dp for about 2months the max i can honestly say i feel 1000x better i'm not going to lie for me how it is i only see symtoms now when i'm angry or have a little panic for something as simple as my phone vibrating or someone opening the door with their but otherwise i can honestly tell you its gone .everyone always said don't smoke cigarettes while your dp'd but honestly thats what kept me sane it was just a relief as i came to accept that it was not going anywhere and i'm in controll of it .if i thought about it showed up ,when i had important things to do it went away i didn't excercise or anything i just became reallllly social started going out more reaching to work early , joking around with my associates and honestly thats all i can say if you want to overcome it just get busy and don't think about it ...what i told myself was "everytime you think of it your making it worse" and i surely didn't want it to get anymore extreme than how it was so all i can say is hang in there guys you'll get better soon and oh yea . I was addicted to searching and finding out what the hell was wrong with me I can personally say tht after trying weed again i saw a major decrease in how it affected my everyday life seeing that i would think about it soo much i couldn't even concentrate ,talk properly or even look in the mirror . It all started one day after work when i decided to have a little talk with maryjane and it was the worst conversation i ever had because my cousin came home and i didn't want him to see me high seeing that i'm his role model. I'm 18 by the way


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## randomecho

I just wanted to add my experience with DP and what caused it. I'm not sure if I have DP or DR but I took a test online and it says my DP is severe.

I am self-diagnosed. I want to see a specialist, but I think they might just tell me what I already know, which is that I have this condition, and then maybe perscibe me meds, which I don't want to take.

What I experience:

- dream-like state, always feel like I'm maybe a little bit tipsy.
- Things are fogged, like I need glasses ( which I dont)
- No desire to meet new people. I'm friendly but in a social situation, I just can't be bothered, I'm in my own foggy world. 
- React to things internally, as in, a joke I find funny, the laugh won't escape. Big News from friends, I don't show any facial expressions.
- Fake conversations. As in, I will be doing something unrelated to a voice that randomly says a sentence. ie. I just want to die. ( No, it's not szhezofrenia, this is due to my brain being overworked and just forming sentences, much like everyone's does when they are REALLY tired)
- Feel like I'm in a state of shock
- Moments of clarity.
- Unable to experience amazing sights, like a sunset or the top of a mountain. 
- Constant fatigue
- Anxiety attacks ( feelings of dread, heavy breathing)
- Can detach myself from emotions (ie. Tears, anger, jealousy, frusteration) because I'm not actually "here"
- Have a feeling of not being real, about being fake or imaginary

How I got it:

A pot cookie that I ate when I was 18 caused a severe change in my mental state. Before I had a photographic memory, and lost that, as well as gained all the symptoms listed above. ( I can still remember everything before I got DP vividly)

What I plan on doing:

A number of cleanses ( I'll write about how they go)

1) the Master Cleanse for 3 days to cleanse out toxins
2) Only eat fruits, veggies, whole grains, and drink water. Avoiding sugars and processed/artificial foods
3) Stop drinking/ substance abuse
4) Liver flush
5) yoga
6) meditation
7) Taking Ginko Biloba







Stop drinking coffee
9) get 6-8 hours of sleep with a normal sleep schedule
10) Drink A LOT of water

I read somewhere once, that the reason some have DP is because of the amigdala, which regulates anxiety at the front of the brain is stuck on high, meaning it's pumping adrenaline into the body, creating a state of shock ( fog, dream-like etc)... because the body is constantly experiencing anxiety, it over exhausts itself, making mental function, such as laughter, reactions, etc and for me, the made-up-conversations, possible. Concentration would be harder because of being constantly tired. The key to getting rid of DP is fixing that amigdala, but now?

I'll find out







!!!!!

Jo


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## RCain

I found Guest_Plompmeister's comment about the corrolation between DP and adrenaline production to be interesting. One of the few times I feel "alive" or "real" is after consumption of stimulants.( Ephedrine, Caffeine, Cocaine, Adderall, etc..) Does anyone know of any medical evidence to support this? or maybe share this similarity?


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## help.me7

I am going to remain unnamed if that is ok...

I am a 16 year old boy and i feel like i am suffering from depersonalization disorder. It started out about 3 weeks ago, i smoked marijuana with my friend and i feel like i did way too much so i basically lost my mind when i was "high". according to my friend, i was throwing myself everywhere, hitting my self against walls,etc. during that all i was thinking about was that everything was "nothing" basically and that i wasnt dead, but i didnt know what anything. It is really hard to explain so bear with me haha. So after that i came down and i was normal until the following friday. I smoked again there but this time used a different kind so i thought i was going to be ok, but the same thing happened. This time i was more in control because i didnt smoke as much and because i was already somewhat prepared, but it was still very scary. This time it felt i was losing all grip of reality and that my conscience and my mind was just going to go blank. I wasnt throwing my self anywhere but i had that same amount of terror and fear as i did the last time i smoked. So after about a few hours i came down and felt very normal so i went to my friends and took a nap there. When i woke up i thought i felt okay and everything was good and i just thought i was somewhat out of it from the weed. So i drove home and went to bed. The next day i wake up and i feel as if nothing was real and that i was still in a dream, just the tell tale signs of depersonalization. The feelings have been going on since that friday which was two weeks ago. Some days it will go away after a while, like in school around 12:30 it will just go away and ill feel normal but it will come back later that day. I classified it as like a cycle. Then, just last night i thought it was the same as any other night until i started thinking about it, and then was getting the same feelings as i did when i was "high" which was that everything was basically nothing and that i didnt know what anything was and that i was basically stuck in limbo. Like i said it is very hard to explain but i hope you get the idea. So i woke up today to go to school and the same feelings of last night came back so i just couldnt get myself to go and i begged my parents to stay at home. Now every time i think about it i get super scared. Plus i have very bad anxiety i think so that is just making it way worse. will it go away every? if so how long do you think it will be? Also how will i know it will be away because i feel like i lost sight of what being normal is. I may just be freaking out over nothing but if not PLEASE HELP ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE


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## amarpreet123

To cut a long story short, I'm living in a self created alter ego while my real reality is going on, so I feel almost in my own body but I'm not and I know this is just an illusion or me "living in a dream"

p.s I never got this from smoking weed.


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## CharlieFreak

I just had an episode of anxiety induced depersonalization. I'm going to share a journal entry I wrote while I had it, and then how I managed to recover, which is possible for anyone:
"I'm going to describe DP while it's still fresh in my head. All caps represents internal monologue while normal text will narrate the external world, which included my own voice at the time. This is the day depersonalization hit me the hardest.
Classes had just gotten out on a friday afternoon. This was normally a time that I was ecstatic about being able to let loose after a stressful week. This particular friday afternoon, I just wanted to get in my lofted bed and read anxiety forums that would reassure me that some day I would feel better.
My room, which was my safe zone, did not seem did not seem familiar to me. Everything was placed in the right spot, the walls were the right sizes, but my mind was in no way satisfied with how it looked. It was similar to the scene from "Titanic" when the elder Rose was looking at the ship underwater. A place she had memories in seemed foreign.
WHAT SEEMS DIFFERENT ABOUT MY ROOM? REALITY IS TOO HARSH FOR ME TO HANDLE, BUT I NO LONGER FEEL SAFE IN MY OWN HEAD BECAUSE IM AN ALIEN TO MYSELF. SO WHERE DO I GO? I WOULD FALL ASLEEP BUT I'M AFRAID OF WAKING UP.
My roommate walked in. The shutting door sounded amplified. "You want to go to a party tonight?"
"Yeah sure sounds good."
I JUEST SAID YEAH SURE SOUNDS GOOD. IT WASN'T TGUS SELF THAT THOUGHT OF THAT. MY BRAIN CREATED THAT RESPONSE THROUGH ROUTINE. IM EXPERIENCING MYSELF GENERATING RESPONSES IN CONVERSATION.OH SHIT HE'S BEEN TALKING THIS WHOLE TIME.
He wanted to show me this video on youtube that he thought was funny. I watched the first thirty seconds and ended up laughing.
WOAH I JUST LAUGHED, BUT THIS SELF HERE, IT DIDN'T FEEL LAUGHTER. MY BODY IS STILL ITSELF, I SEEM COMPLETELY NORMAL TO EVERYBODY. MY EMOTIONS ARE STILL THERE, AND REALITY IS NORMAL. I JUST SEEMED TO HAVE ACQUIRED A HIGHER SELF THAT CAN OBSERVE THIS ALL TAKING PLACE. MY SOUL HAS BEEN SUCKED OUT OF ME, AND PUT INTO THIS NEW SELF. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS NEW SELF IS HELL."
Yeah, it's really fucked up, and feels impossible to get out of. Just read "At Last a Life" By Paul David. Follow his instructions and you will be fine.
ALSO, anybody who suffered general anxiety alone, without any depersonalization, you should consider reading this book. Saved my life.


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## Lynxabc

Anxiety caused it for me. I always had a fear of going crazy since I got anxiety and also Irrational/disturbing thoughts with OCD so yea..DP/DR began.


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## HunterDan

Where to start? Self diagnosed DP as well as many questionable psychiatric diagnoses including bipolar I. The DP is always there it's just a matter of how I'm dealing with it that can determine whether or not I'm motivated to talk about it. If I feel positive it's like I don't want to talk about it, even though it's there. Definitely linked to 5 years of heavy cannabis use along with many psyc meds. Just to mention, I took an extremely high dose of zyprexa for 3 yrs...then stopped cold turkey. Also stopped adderall and only take half the lamictal I used to. That's what's left for my bi polar treatment. Cannabis use has always been a constant. It's difficult to try to sort it all out because I know it's DP but I also know that many of it could be bipolar symptom related. I tried an experiment where I looked in the mirror for a long time trying to achieve that DP effect that someone without DP can experience. This didn't happen, I always see myself in that unrecognizable state. I don't know how to interact with people. Really, I don't know. I guess because interacting with other people is emotion driven, not purely intellectual. That's what bothers me a lot...despite the cannabis and other drug usage, my iq or cognitive functioning has not been hampered or damaged whatsoever. Its better actually, can read very fast and remember everything and I can write and communicate extremely effectively as long as its topic related. I can learn and form new memories just as well as before. Physical functioning is great, coordination, strength better than ever. But I don't have the slightest clue on how to function socially which I used to do quite well. Even if it's not during intense DP, I seriously can't figure out how to even engage in small talk or even saying goodbye. I always walk away feeling that I've angered or upset someone. Form new memories, yes... New relationships or emotional connections, no. Feel alone all the time and I'm not comfortable around the people I used to be with. Totally intellectually driven and found out that knowledge isnt power, it's nothing. People don't research how to send or receive love feelings or empathy, or how can I study how to act with other people? These r inherent things which I have lost due to DP. 
first time doing this had to say something

Thanks


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## ph10

Hey all, so this is my DP story. 
I'm 14 years old, and I guess you could say I'm intelligent compared to others my age. I'm a filmmaker and screenwriter (written 5 full-length scripts), and I also produce EDM and pop songs (had an album on iTunes at age 11). 
I have no childhood trauma, and in fact I've always handled stress remarkably well. But as early as I can remember, I've always been hyper-health aware and a pretty big emetophobe. Every few minutes, I would ask my self if I felt like I was gonna throw up, the process just disturbed me. But other than that, I handled stress fine and was a very happy person. I had great friends, lofty but tangible ambitions, and was rocking great grades. 
But on August 6th, 2012, I discovered this legend about something called the Slender Man, and after reading several "stories," I became obsessed and believed in him irrationally. I spent one day paranoid, and I guess in that time I experienced slight DP/DR. When I came out of it, I felt like I'd literally forgotten about the rest of my life and was reentering it as though I'd just woken up from a dream briefly. The anxiety came and went over the next few months, but my actual life was so great and filled with happiness that I was able to pull myself out of it. 
Then, the first week of November, I developed a strange sensation of CONSTANT anxiety. I was tense and panicking, over nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only thing that seemed to help was to be anxious about school or exercise my mind or something like that. I became more anxious because I couldn't eliminate the anxious feeling, and every time I googled solutions, it told me to contradict the thought that was making you anxious. I didn't have one. I SHOULD have been happy, and suddenly that was gone. 
All hell broke loose the 7th of November. I had a series of very vivid dreams that night, that had messed up physics and were very strange overall. When I woke up that morning, my mind felt altered. I literally woke up and thought, "what is this? Is this life?" I felt like everything I ever knew was a dream I was about to wake up from. That day I forgot about it and enjoyed time with friends again, but that night I was left alone with my thoughts and relapsed. Terribly. Experienced my first panic attack after realizing that I COULDN'T experience emotion. I felt like I was descending down a dark hole into my own head. The next few days, the DP/DR became constant. I felt disconnected, and like I was in a dream. The fact that I was nearly convinced that my life WAS a dream was the scariest thing of all. I was certain that I was going insane, which only drew the DP/DR further. I started questioning existence, and thinking that I might live in something similar to the Matrix. Over the next week, I lost all creative drive. The novel I was writing, the songs, and all other productive thought drowned in the DP. I couldn't comprehend anything actually existing, couldn't justify reality. 
But of course, I was still rooted in life. My problem was that I thought I could think my self out of it instantly and it would never come back. I couldn't IMAGINE having it for a year like some people had, as I felt that I would simply become shut off from reality and would certainly go insane. That was my greatest feeling - sadness. It was as though all that I had experienced and known had been invalidated, and all my dreams and hopes with shattered. Because it could be fake. These intrusive thoughts were all that I gave full thought to in my new few weeks. The wonder of christmas I'd always loved - I felt none of it. The anticipation was gone. It was utterly impossible to pay attention in class, although because my mind was generally on edge, my grades have actually gone UP. Not quite sure how that happened, but hey. That's getting me one step closer to my goals, even if I still do feel detached. 
But there is hope. Mid-November, I had descended into a hellish dream state and was in despair over what I felt was the loss of my entire life. My dreams had been taken from me. If I were to be stuck like this, I couldn't experience all that I looked forward to. This brought me back to anxiety. And now, mid-December, I am back to reality. Sort of. I don't feel disconnected, and I actually have few DP/DR symptoms. My vision is normal, I can comprehend a mind and body as one whole, and I know that the world around me is not an illusion. However, I am left with severe anxiety ABOUT it. I'm not sure exactly how to describe what I'm feeling right now, but it seems to be mainly a constant tightness/pressure in my head that I cannot relieve, and like thoughts are constantly bouncing off the walls in my head. I'm obsessing over DP/DR, even though I'm hardly experiencing it. I don't know why, but this tightness and anxiety won't go away. However, the absence of actual symptoms makes me feel hopeful. When I am able to achieve full distraction from the DP/DR thoughts, I am entirely normal. I'm the same person I was with my friends, and my thought process is back to normal despite the fact that I'm not analyzing it to know. When I look back now (in another anxious, obsessive state) I realize that this whole afternoon I was feeling better, even though I wasn't thinking about it at the time. I had higher priorities - studying for exams, talking to the girl I liked - I was thinking about those. So now, a month later, I've retained my normal thought process like I thought I never would. I've achieved moments of happiness despite constant despair and anxiety over DP/DR, and I'm still who I was. I know what normal feels like, and I know how I got there. I am also confident I can do it again, and I am on the road to recovery. 
Penn


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## D512

Im 15 and I've been suffering from depersonalization for about 3 months now and its like living in hell. It all started one night when me and my friends decided to get really stoned. I started to feel really weird and my heart started racing so fast and I couldn't control myself. Every time I would talk I didn't even realize I was talking. I repetitively kept saying "this feels like a dream" "Is this even life?" "Am I real?" The next day when I woke up I still felt the exact same way and than I started thinking that whoever we bought it from could have laced it with some other sort of drug. It went on for about a week and I didn't tell either of my parents. Eventually about a month and a half later later I decided to smoke again but bought it from someone different. And it happened again. At first I just looked up "feeling like a dream" and depersonalization came up and started listing a bunch of symptoms. Once I thought that is what I have I needed to tell my parents what was going on in my head. Honestly after telling them a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder and I felt so much better. Not for all people but I like talking about it most of my friends know about it not like my whole school knows but about 10 of my friends do. It makes me feel so much better talking about it. The hardest part is that they don't understand. I can explain it to them in so many ways but they will never know how it feels unless it happens to them. I mean I don't know if they judge me for it, but I hope not. It is so hard describing how it feels and how it messes with your head. But a few symptoms I have is that it feels like a dream. I don't recognize myself when I look into the mirror and I hear little voices inside my head saying " Is this really me?" Also, I can't concentrate in school because it is all I think about. Its really affecting my grades and I'm really nervous especially with midterms coming up soon. Another thing is that my ears ring a lot and I've noticed that my one eye (left) can see light a little bit brighter and hurts when I look at bright things compared to my right eye.What really sucks is that I don't feel like my body is connected to my brain. When I look at my hand or something it doesn't feel like a part of me it just looks and acts like a robot. Same with my voice I'll talk and about 10 seconds after I'm done speaking I didn't even realize I just spoke it just blurts out. I mean what I say and do are normal. When I told my friends and family about this situation they said they didn't notice anything wrong with me because I do normal things and I act and talk the same way its just all in my head. I looked up a bunch of ways to help cure myself and it told me to meditate, eat right, exercise, try and forget about it and go to a therapist. But some therapist don't know what depersonalization is and they diagnose people with regular depression and give them medication. MEDICATION CAN NOT CURE DEPERSONALIZATION. It can help depression though so if you have depression and depersonalization then take it. Also what is helping me a lot is watching people on youtube talk about their stories and reading on blogs how other people faced this problem. I am about to go to therapy in a few weeks so I'll see how it goes. But my biggest concern is how long is this going to last? Some people have it for years and years on end I can't even deal with it for 3 months!! Well I learned that this anxiety disorder is caused from a bunch of stress over time whether it's school, family, friends, sports or any trauma and than one day you just have a trigger and the world is not the same. My trigger was clearly marajuana but it didn't cause it, it was my trigger. There are many triggers out there and you just have to stay away from yours and I will NEVER do drugs again no matter what. Weed is a very common trigger along with this disorder. Depersonalization is VERY common and alot of teens develop it over time. Around 20% of teens do. You are not alone. I thought I was the only person who was dealing with this and thought I was going crazy but there are many people out there dealing with the same thing I am. I hope to overcome this anxiety disorder and it will be the biggest accomplishment I could ever make. Writing this has made me feel alot better so you should tell your story and ways you are coping even if you type it down on your computer it could make you feel so much better you don't have to publish it on any website or anything it could be for yourself. I wish everyone good luck  hope you get better soon!


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## Tksarge

35 years of this....

I accepted that it would not change a long time ago. I do remember the exact moment when it started in 1978. I was terrified, and I missed the next 3 days of work. An idiot doctor said I 'probably' had mononucleosis. It was hard...so damn hard...for years. It was my own private hell. If I told someone about it, they just had no way to understand or relate to it.
But through the years, I just learned to live with it. I went through some treatment for anxiety...no meds, just therapy took care of that, but my doctor at that time pretty much blew off the talk of how my perception of everything had changed 10 years before. I figured since he was an expert that there was no hope and I should just get on with it all.
I have had a successful career and can function just fine in society. But the thing that nags at me is thinking that there might be a cure and how upset I would be if this thing could have been fixed and all the time I spent in a foggy haze. 
I actually came across this site around 2001, and posted my story on it. It was only then, however, that I realized I was not alone. By looking at it closer, I realized that this was just the way it is. I do miss the way I used to percieve everything. Sometimes, I get flashes of that. It excites me...maybe it is going away...but it is still with me.
I have also talked to more professionals about it, but they all seem like they have bigger fish to fry. It is like..."Can you function ok? Then why are you bothering me with it?" Not words spoken, but something I feel from them. 
The best thing I do for myself is just live my life. Thinking about it causes pain. Letting it go is freedom. Just me accepting it lets me concentrate on the fact that what I see and do is real. I guess I am used to it. Saddened that it has to be this way, but I am accustomed to it. 
Those of you just encountering this...know that your exsistence is real. And life will go on. I think anymore that my first 19 years were not the way it was supposed to be. This is who I am. I have DP. It does not have me.


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## lynnk

Hi! I am so very scared. My son is 9 years old, and has been diagnosed with this! I have actually had some psychiatrists tell me that this does not actually exist- like people make it up. He describes his feelings exactly as many of you have. He cannot make this up! Now we are at the point of finding someone that can help us! I have no idea what to do. He cries every night asking if it will be gone before summer

Help!!!


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## bree16

Well i know this is a little long but i want at least someone to read it, maybe someone who can relate. :I Soo my first dp experience happened when i smoked marijuana one time. I had smoked it at least 7 times before this time but i honestly think this was k2 (spice) i smoked that night i'm not sure exactly and i really like thought i was going to faint and die it was that strong soo i just kinda laid on the ground and it helped a little bit. And it lasted for about an hour or two and i just went to sleep eventually cuz it wouldn't go away  but the next time i smoked it was k2 again and yes, it was a mistake cause i knew there was a possibility i would get the same results but i did it anyway annd i had another case of dp and now, to this day, no matter what type i smoke (unless it's regular, or reeally light stuff) i always have dp and it reallly sucks :L and it doesn't help that i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder already (thats the only reason i ever smoked weed is cause it helps with my anxiety a lot) So like also i've noticed like in the past month that if i get reeally tired and exhausted later at night i have dp now Or, if i'm in class and i'm pretty stressed or maybe didn't get enough sleep the night before i'll have it and its pretty scary at school let me tell you  well thank you anyone who read this! its really nice of you and i love you!


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## Speedy88

My first time getting into an anxiety cycle was at 23. I was nervous day an night. I was dizzy all day, jittery, sleepy all the time, palms always sweating, couldn't sit still, couldn't sleep well at night, I was on verge of panic attacks, my heart Would pound, I had pressure in my head, my brain felt squirmy, I would hav like some sort of head rush, my hands an feet would b cold, I felt off balance an more I had a lot of anxiety symptoms. After worrying for a few weeks about all these symptoms I developed DP/DR the bad boy of the symptoms. Everything around me felt unreal. I felt fake. I didn't want to b around ppl cause they felt fake. When I would talk I sounded funny like it wasnt me. When I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. Outside looked funny to me an inside my house look weird. Just like nothing was real. I felt numb, empty, emotionless. I was scared to look at my parents an talk to them just cause it felt like it wasnt happining. All of this put me in depression were I felt so down an hopeless. Like a hole in my stomach. I feared everything an just wanted it all to stop. I lost interest in MMA, weight training, music everything. I was losing my relationship with my gf also. I was wen blaming her. Felt like I didn't love her anymore. One day while talking to my mother about my problems she told me about how she had bad thoughts about hurting ppl when she was in a anxiety cycle. My mother is the sweetest person most kind hearted person I know an she would never do anything like tht but she had those type of thoughts. The every next day my anxiety latched on to those thoughts an I strted having them. I'm not a violent person at all no abet problems or anything an I would never hurt anyone but I sure was plagued by those intrusive thoughts. It was horrible. An made my anxiety tht much more worse. So there I was nervous 24/7, depersonalized, I couldn't think straight, couldn't concentrate, I always felt like I had fever an heavy headed, zoned out, foggy head an I had a lot of intrusive thoughts going on. This all lasted around 10 months an finally I snapped out of it. I returned to my old self an strted going places again, strted training again playing music, living life to the fullest. This lasted almost two yrs. I slowly got to a spot where I was staying up late, working in the heat, training hard in the heat an staying up late. This went on for a long time. I had a very stressful job I had to do at work which resulted in me having a panic attack. I spent around two weeks recovering from it an was almost recovered completely when we had a scare when my fathers blood pressure was very high an had to go to the ER. My nerves were shot. From tht day on I began a worry cycle an slowly put my self back into a depersonalized stage which led me into slight depression. This go around in a cycle isn't as bad as before. My nerves have settled a lot as far as physical symptoms go but the DP/DR Is pretty bad. I have experienced slight intrusive thoughts but not bad. One day I spent the whole day thinking about DP/DL an I got into a mode of thinking tht everything must b fake. Like humans arnt real, tht everything is kinda like a sims game. Tht trees, cars everything is just fake. It feels like I'm the only one in this world. It's very distressing an it makes me nervous an adds on to depression. It sounds really stupid but it's the way of thinking tht I created an it just feels like I won't ever b able to rid myself of thoughts types of thoughts an thinkin. I am a example of it is possible to cure DP/DR without medicine or thearpy an even when it runs in ur family. my great grandmother had anxiety depression, my grandma has it, my mother has it. ifound my way out of a cycle once i know i can do it again. its just these thoughts an the feeling tht come with them r holding me in place. Anyone else experiences these types of thoughts?


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## Huytongirl

It started when I was about five years old. One night in bed I found that if I thought about my self - I mean, if I thought about the "self" as I would about, say, my hand - it became separate from me, like I was divided up inside my head. It was an odd, floaty feeling.

I told my Mum about it and she looked concerned and told me I shouldn't think so much.

Next time I had what I came to call, "That Feeling" I was terrified of it and called to her to help me. After that, it came on from time to time - usually at night when I was in bed, during school holidays - and I always shouted to her for help.

When I got into my late teens, there were family crises going on, and That Feeling started happening when I was away from the house. So in time it became agoraphobia - made worse by the fact that I was prescribed tranqs, which of course make anxiety worse in the end.

I have been plagued by agoraphobia all my life. When I am in unfamiliar places, it feels like I am not real and the world is dissolving into a sort of malevolent chaos (though everything looks the same). I know the best way is to "walk through the fear" and learn, slowly, that the unreality fades and I am still real, still me. But it feels like jumping off a cliff every time. And last time I had a real go, it triggered a huge depression. (NOTE: I am not saying that it's hopeless. I am saying that I am not always able to be brave enough to free myself).

Sometimes I have been able to trigger repersonalization whilst listening to loud music on headphones. Then, maybe because I am in control, it is utterly delightful.

Maybe if Mum hadn't said that, it'd have remained a pleasant, funny feeling. But I don't blame her. My brother was autistic (and this was in the mid-60s, which was the Stone Age in that respect - he wasn't diagnosed for decades) and she'd already tried to get help for him, ending up being blamed for smothering him or being too cold - all that mother-blaming. I have Asperger's syndrome, too, which is a form of autism. I don't know if the two are related but combined they make life difficult. Except that, maybe, the extreme-logic aspect of having Asperger's does help at time.

I didn't even have a term for That Feeling until, really, I got online a few years ago. People writing about agoraphobia usually describe things like fast heartbeats, feeling faint, all the physical stuff - but I feel relief when I start to feel physical discomfort, because it means the mental stuff has run its course (no disrespect here to non-dissociative agoraphobics, and the courage they show).

I was amazed and delighted to discover this forum. When I was a kid, I didn't know what the hell was happening. I concluded I must have been either insane or demonically possessed (no one said this to me, it was just how I reasoned it out). To find a lot of people going through the same is incredible.

So I want to be free of agoraphobia. This means facing what feels to me to be the worst thing in the world. It feels like the self that must rise to walk through this is the self which is in the process splintered into terrifying pieces. I want to do this though. I'm 51 now, and I realised life isn't infinite. I have to face this. This is part of my doing so.


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## Will_95

Hey everyone.

I just joined the site, think it's great idea it's like a community of people who feel alone and are now connected in a way.

Anyway I've had DP/DR for only a year now, but only discovered that this is what I had about six months ago.

I've been depressed since I joined secondary school at about 12 years old, so six years ago.

I'm pretty certain that it was smoking weed that caused the DP, as well as experimenting with other drugs, I have been smoking it every day since I was 16 and still do.

The thing is I've had a perfect life, got great friends, family I've never gone through anything traumatic, i'm just incredibly anxious and self aware.

I don't know how it works for other people but I notice I get waves of DP. I've become used to my neutral state i'm in everyday which feels like i'm paralysed inside a human body which is on auto pilot, as most of my day consists of lieing on the floor, looking for a job, hoping to find a girl, trying to be someone i'm not and forgetting who i really am. That's normal for me and i don't consider it especially bad as I'm used to it.

But I enter a strong DP phase, I have noticed it is social situations such as college. If I had been smoking too much, and then go into college the next day, it felt indescribable. When I walk I would float, when I tried speaking to people I would be speaking very slowly and quietly, and my words are delayed from my mind. I would also get really paranoid that people are looking, laughing or judging me, so I would spend all lesson trying to look 'normal', which made me just look weird then I became aware of it and that just made it worse.

I am obsessed with trying to be someone else, everyone I know I consider 'cool' or whatever compared to me. The thing is, while I 'think' that, I 'know' that i'm actually a decent person, I'm fairly good looking even though I think i'm ugly, and I do everything I can to help other people, but this DP is constantly arguing with me and holding me back from making new friends and getting a girlfriend (which is the one thing I believe could really make me happy, and who knows, help the DP) and generally being happy. Can't describe what is going on in my mind these days, I wish I could speak to my friends or family and I;ve tried but they literally have no idea what it's like.

Anyway I've completely drifted off and don't even remember the question I'm answering.

Sorry it's my first post and I have a lot more to say.

I'm not really expecting anyone to read this but its just nice to get it down 

If anyone wants to talk about DP, or just wanna have a chat then message me 

I truly feel for any of you guys who feel similar or worse than my experience, but stay strong from what I've read this thing isn't permanent, there is light at the end of the everybody's tunnel!!


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## Aceishigh

I have all of these thoughts that just about everyone is describing. I will list some.

Is life real? Who am I? Am i just dreaming? I think that all reality is just an illusion. I feel like I am separate from my physical body. Thoughts of all I am and all life is, is just a big cause and effect movie that i am only consciously experiencing and I am trapped.

I don't know why all these people seem to have such a problem with this. I absolutely love what you guys call DP or DR. I am astounded by it. I try to get into those states of mind. I think that all of you guys are just philosophers and are being confused or looking at all this the wrong way. I think you guys are waking up to what this reality really is. I am a very philosophical kid. I am 16 years old. I get feelings that this world i live in is so foreign and absolutely crazy. I just think it is so odd that anything exists at all. I have had thoughts of me being the only conscious person really alive and all of this is just a projection of my mind or something. But i have a strong mental constitution. I have no trouble at all dealing with these intense feeling and thoughts. I get sensations of my entire body dissolving into the air. My head opening up and energy flowing through my body. Loud vibration noise that i feel in my body. The sensation of leaving my body. Visual hallucinations. I see a static when i look at things. I see things but they have this static just layered over it.

If you guys think this is a disorder and if you have similar sensations and don't enjoy it, i just don't know. I personally have absolutely no problem with any of this. I think maybe you guys need to really look at all of this in a different way. I am almost never ever sad.

If anyone would want to talk to me about this subject you can message me.


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## Westcoast Ghost

Let's see if anyone will read this. Three years ago I was with a former friend who introduced me to weed for the first time. We were at my house with her bf, my parents were out for the night. So we blazed and my grandma decided to stop by the house. I thought she would know I was high so I panicked and I think that's when it started. I looked in the bathroom mirror and something was just off. I chalked it up to being high and thought it would subside when I came down the next day but no, nothing changed. It wasn't until a few months later that I found words for the feeling and last year I was diagnosed after I broke down out of frustration about it and went to the psych ward. They tried treating it with Clonazepam, no luck. I downloaded Harris Harrington's program on DP recovery and still no luck after trying the excercizes. It seems the only thing that helps is drugs, and only temporarily.


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## Harry1998

Hi guys and girls this all started when I was on the weed I smoked it like once in a month ill get a 20bag high grade and sometimes weekends my family have a history of weed and when My mum found my weed under my bed and it did touch sometime for me to get court by mum and brothers and that day I Felt so bad for letting them down felt down and felt numb in my head for 2days straight ,my mum said its the weed from last night and everyone was having ago for on the weed but i didn't smoke it to hurt them i did it for me to make me fell better and on monday went to school and just felt like a dream and everything i look at its all zoned out and blurred sort of if i look at my hands for a minutes its zoomed and like a dream i was like wtf is going on and felt weak throw the day and time went so quick and it felt like it wasn't real and i fort ok see how it goose throw the week and in the end I just fort its just me and tried to get use to it because i didn't know its a thing called dp so i have really bad sleeping and cant sleep and fall asleep at 3ish (am) or4ish and wake up for school at 7ish to get ready and on throw the months i just fort #### it dont have a clue what it is and somedays i say to myself is this real am i alive or in a dream and felt so tired throw the days didnt help made it worse and won night i was tired and couldn't sleep and i looked around my room and the walls look massive and tall like a sky scraper and look around at my room and everything felt i was pushing me back back back back back ect but i was in my bed i said to myself were the #### am i everything is blurred and went down stairs to look out the window everthing was foggy and I keep it to myself the dp and looked in the mirror and felt like i was inside the mirror and saw my face and went pitch black like a shadow and i was like what is going on it dose not want to go away and i fell detached from reality and feelings and emotions and felt lost and i hate going to bed at night in my room with the light off because i fell lost in my room and my mind and my head its like its zoned out and dont know were i am and walls just go so far black and its like im getting push back but im on my bed 1 second its pitch black and seems like something is going on in my room look zoomed far out and im lost and i say were am i ! and the trees seem really weird when i look at them and its like when i walk it fells like I not in control of my body like im detached from it and i went back on two weed like 2weeks ago because schools was tuft and most times im high and stoned its like im in a dream all the time and when im not high or stoned i walk in a shop +walking its like a camera im looking at watching it and when i look into mirrors now its like im inside the mirror over time i got use to it and the only time i cant stand it is at bed time in my room its so horrible and fear i have alot of panic attacks now and then and im 14 male and i only just founded out this week i had dp and i felt it throw 4 months before and i goggled it because of that night i had and the i do not know to smoke weed again now. someone help me i don't know to tell my family or what i should do if i smoke weed again ???


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## CralV

Basically, for me, my derealization started after a night out clubbing when I just turned 18.. clubbing hasn't been a pleasant experience and i've only been twice. I drank too much and I was ill and I panicked.

Since then, I haven't felt myself at all. The world seems strange and unreal. I get that feeling you get from a bad dream, where the dream itself isn't bad, but the feeling is terrifying. I don't feel like I'm worth anything because my actions wont have an impact because they're not completely real. What I look at looks strange, what are these shapes and figures? I went to the doctors, who comfirmed my derealization. He told me it's common in intelligent people studying hard and demanding subjects at university/college which cause one part of the brain to run faster than the other. He told me to forget about it and it would go away.

At first, this really helped and it went away. But a week later, it came back again once the reassurance wore off, this time a lot worse. Now I can't focus on any task and I can't get my work done, so i'm scared of failing my A levels. I've been getting so depressed about it which is making me more anxious and therefore making it all worse. I can't forget it, it is in my mind all of the time. I feel detatched from the people who are closest to me. I know that I love them so much, like my mum and my boyfriend, but I feel so distant from them but they mean so much to me and I just want to feel close to them again. It's having a bad affect on my relationship, when I am with my boyfriend I just start crying but I dont want to tell him about the derealization because I know he won't understand.

I just keep getting more and more anxious about it which is making it worse because I think it must be caused by anxiety, what else could it be? I have never done drugs despite all my friends and my boyfriend doing weed.

The worst part is feeling out of control. I have always been grateful for my mental stability because your mind is the one thing someone can't take away from you. It is yours and for you to look after, and nobody knows your thoughts apart from yourself. I felt piveleged. But now i'm so terrified that i'm going to do something that I do not want to do. I am a good person and I don't do anything bad to anyone, but I don't feel myself and I dont want the derealization to change me into someone i'm not. I dont want to do silly things but im so scared that the derealization will get to the point where I have no control anymore. I'm scared i'm going crazy and that i'll never be myself again. I really need to forget about it but I can't when it's the only thing on my mind. I have a good life with wonderful people, and this is the only thing I have to worry about, so I worry about it all the time. I'm scared i'm going to fail my a levels now and not get into Uni because my teachers are putting pressure on me for not doing the work but I just cant get focused and do it, and the pressure makes it all worse.

I often feel tired and drained and need more sleep.

Please, suggestions?


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## kenaston

I'm a bit unsure if what I feel is derealization. I just feel like I'm completely stuck inside my head, that I've lost the ability to live in the present tense. I spend every waking moment of my life analysing or ruminating over various topics, most of them anxiety related. It's difficult to describe how I feel because I have nothing to compare it with, but the world seems to have no depth to it and I have no emotional response to anything, usually I won't even notice the taste of something I eat because I'm too absorbed in my thoughts.

I've tried to focus on the present, to really concentrate on an object or sensation, I stare for a while and try to absorb some information or to have some emotional response to the object, but it just seems so distant, and I soon find I'm back in my head again.


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## mckinley_b

This all started in high school after a really bad experiance with a pot brownie that I didn't know was a pot brownie. For the last 2 years I have suffered from anxiety and tonight I had my breaking point it seems. Then I found this sight and it was a great realization to know that I am not the only person that feels like this.

For the longest time I felt that I was insane and that normal people didn't feel the way I did. Over the past 2 years the dp hasn't been so bad anymore and now what is left is the anxiety and very little ways to cope. I hate to say it but it was almost better when the dp numbed me from feeling anxious all the time.

but the feelings of being outside reality were crippling when at their prime.

I just want to get over myself and get my life back


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## Empress

Hi. I just discovered this forum. I'm not sure if my episodes are depersonalization, derealization, both, or something else. I haven't read all 13 pages of this topic, but here's my story:

I was 19 years old getting ready to head to class from my dorm room. I had a quiz in a math problems course that I wasn't prepared for. I have OCD and general anxiety. I took some lorazepam. It was probably only .5mg. I had taken it for situations like this in the past, so I really have no idea why this happened. In spite of my generally not caring about grades, especially a 1 credit course that I didn't need for my degree and could have easily dropped, I was nervous about taking this quiz. Also, I'd like to add that this course had weekly quizzes and 3 exams. The amount of anxiety I had for not being prepared for ONE quiz did not make sense.

I couldn't tell if the lorazepam had kicked in yet, but left the building and took the 10 minute walk across campus to my class. A couple of minutes into walking across a parking lot I began to feel strange. I walked past some people and remember thinking that there was something different about them and my environment. I also felt a little more assured. My anxiety seemed to vanish and I felt more confident. Not regarding the quiz, just overall.

Now I'm approaching an area of campus that is packed with people heading to and from their classes. People are EVERYWHERE (a socially anxious person's nightmare!), and while I'm weaving through these people I can't help but think of them as cattle. I was annoyed and frustrated that these damn "cows" were in my way. By the time I got to class, I felt an overall disregard for every person who was in class or entered after me. It was if I thought of them the way I thought of an ugly animal or insect, but even less than that. I felt like I was on some other level, and these "people" didn't have souls. They were just animals, sitting about, chattering to one another, weak, worthless, nothing. Now I don't mean any offense to those people who believe animals have souls. I believe all living things are comprised of the same thing, but let's not go there. Other things that came to mind, "God's not here." "I'm alone." "Am I the only "person" (or soul?) who exists?"

I'm sitting at the back of the class and see the TA at the front mention that there will not be a quiz after all and we'll be working on problems instead. The entire time he's speaking, I'm not really engaged in what he's saying. Instead my vision is zooming and above his scalp. It's like I could see every hair follicle, it was gross (but not at the time). The zooming wasn't just from across the room, but it was as if at other points I was directly above him and could look down at his head.

It wasn't until the end of class about 50 minutes later that I started to snap out of it. I'm walking back to my dorm, tripping out over the experience I had just had. I'm also tripping out that I no longer feel the way I do. It wasn't suddenly. The feeling was gradually leaving as the class ended. I wish I could remember what I did with my time during class.

Now this type of episode only happens once in a while, no anxiety needed. I'm 28, by the way. I don't mean any offense to you all, but I'm really glad this happens for short spans of time versus months and years like many of you. When I'm in that high-and-mighty mode, I have thoughts about how there doesn't seem to be much of a point to this life. I'm not suicidal, but while I'm pondering my surroundings and the people (I usually avoid people when this happens), it's a big "what am I doing here?" feeling. It's like I'm in an alien world, but I know it's my world. Nothing's really changed. It's just what I feel towards everything that's changed. It's like being transported to a parallel dimension where everyone has no soul or importance. There is just this lack of connection. I don't know. Maybe it's some type of deluded episode.

Anyway, I live a pretty normal life. I have anxiety and drinking issues, but am totally functional. Decent paying job. I have had to call in a few times when I felt things slipping. The closest this whole thing reminds me of is when I tried shrooms when I was 21-ish. But it was also very different. Only did that once, by the way. Don't smoke.

Wow. I just wrote a novel. Whoops!


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## juls09

This forum helped me so much. I had been dp free for 2 year until today when it hit me again. I forgot how bad this is, but I'm trying to just relax and feel better. I took my dog for a walk, took a nap and went took a long bath. I found that lighting some candles and taking a bath really helped me. I am trying to focus more on tomorrow being better


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## Mist

What is written below is merely an opinion. Do or do not accept it at your own risk (*sigh* we live in a world where even those who want to help need to take precautions).

I wonder if anyone here ever got into this "state of consciousness" by him/herself, without weed and/or other stuff. Perhaps one reason why it scares you so much is because there is significant discrepancy between what you feel and what you think you should feel. You think like "everyone" but are different from them.

You feel something you shouldn't "normally" feel, and your mind doesn't know how to include it in the world picture you have. It interferes with your normal life (well, of course, since "normality" is merely a human invention) and as such is painful.

Debating if it's a disorder or not might be useless (for now) but let me put it this way: what if humans were all feeling the same thing? Imagine that we evolved in such a way that everyone has DP. Would it be considered a "disorder"? What does "disorder" even mean? Something that is out of the ordinary? Well, geniuses are. Anyone with a highly beneficial mutation might be. And it might even interfere with their lives, because people are reluctant to accept those who are "extraordinary". But don't forget that good and bad are merely human standards, not absolute laws of nature. In a world with 99% "crazy" people, the crazy ones are the "sane" 1%.

Imagine your fingers got severed. You could either constantly remove the pain with morphine or make the wounds heal. What if drugs merely dull your senses? What if there is a way to make your mind "accept" it, or better, know exactly why it feels the way it does?

Just know that there are perfectly rational but highly "anti-common sense" reasons why you feel the way you do. Do not despair. Think wider. Keep searching. Read books. Ask questions. Look for answers. Just don't stop and don't hurt yourself or the others. Your "curse" might be a blessing in disguise.


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## nidhi

Hello everyone. Its good to know that I am not alone in my fight against DP. My dp begins when I was 17 yr old. And now I'm 25 still have some symptoms of it. But the way i deal with it now changed. In the starting of my illness I always remain panic and avoid going outside. But now I tell to myself dp can't affect my work although most of the time I don't feel comfortable and pleasure while doing work. I have some inattention issues due to which my career came to end. Truly speaking I don't know what I want from my life??? Can anyone tell if a dp girl get married to normal boy then her dp will not create major problem in her married life? Plz give me some suggestion. Can anyone live a life with peace and pleasure with DPand DR??


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## oliver07twist

Hi, I'm 17, Live in Dubai and have been moving around the world a lot, so i've had to make and lose lots of friends periodically over my entire life.

I started getting DP/DR symptoms about a month and a half ago and I had no idea what it was- I googled my symptoms and eventually found the depersonalisation disorder wikipedia page. I thought I was going crazy. I see a counseller now and we are slowly working to fix it but judging from what I've read on the internet it stays with you your entire life...

It was really bad when I first got it but I think it's better now, I've started to exercise again and I've heard that that helps. It got so bad that I would go numb and have panic attacks and it would feel like I was tipsy or something.

There are a couple of reasons that I think I got DP/DR, all of them because of my family. My sister and I have had lots of trouble with our mum and dad over the past few years and it's been really scarring for us: we aren't that close to other members of our family so it was pretty hard to talk to them about it. Basically our parents were/are (I find it difficult to tell anymore) very strict and very constricting with rules, and we feel that they didn't raise us correctly. There has been a lot of shouting and fights in our house, and there was once an episode where my sister and I locked ourselves inside of our bathroom for 3 hours because we were scared of our parents. (our dad was banging on the door and mum was flicking the lights on and off for an hour)

I feel that I have been raised to be extremely selfish- I now only view things from my perspective and only for my own material gain because for some reason I have the idea that no one gives a shit about me stuck in my head.

I view people as shells and have difficulty proving to myself that anyone truly cares about me, my friends are all from the UK and they seem emotionally cold... I don't know if this is my own observation from before i had DP/DR or something I made up.

I constantly doubt myself/ overthink things because no one seems to give a shit and sometimes I think I make this stuff up.

Oh and also my time perception is way off its really trippy/ freaks me out, but my friends doubt me of course.

I was very close to my sister, and I know now that she's scared and sad that I have this DP/DR because now we aren't as close but I really want her to be understanding and I want us to be close but it's very hard.

I've contemplated suicide many times, my current view is that it is eternal bliss of non-existence, sort of like sleep. (I prefer sleeping to being awake)

However, I'm extremely glad that I found this thread, I'm confident that I can improve and hopefully will lead a good life 

Also I've found someone in school who I am close to who has misophonia (hatred of small/ annoying sounds) so it's good that I now have someone who has another mental disorder that I can relate to.

My dad may have depression: I've clinically evaluated myself and judging from what I've just typed out I also may have it too, I was wondering if you guys have any tips or things that you want to suggest I do that helped you and may also help me.

Peace,

oliver07twist


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## sunshinita

It is not for life, there are many many people who have recovored from dp, you can read recovery stories here. The fact that you realize that you've been abused as a child from your parents will help you. A lot of people deny they have a problem or that they experienced something traumatic, a lot of people can't recall the traumatic event. You know what you are dealing with and that's a step closer to the right direction. You said you are speaking to someone about it. It would be a good idea to find a proffesional therapist and start some kind of therapy to help you go through your problems. Also, you miss your sister, you can try and make it better with her, sit and talk to her and tell her how you feel. No matter the outcome, it will help you to clear your head up and you will feel good about yourself because you tried. There is hope!


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## fluxgrrl

it's been over a week now that i exist on another level. i have had this in the past but thankfully it only lasted a couple of hours. this is going on 2 weeks now. it's evil and sick. it's torture. i keep trying to snap out of if. meditating, deep breathing, telling myself it will get better and go away.

i'm desperate. this is the worst thing ever. and i know, i KNOW it's anxiety. i talk myself through a day. i drink to stabilize myself and to feel a little bit normal. this is not ok.


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## Olivethevampire

When I was 16, working at Panera Bread, I started noticing symptoms of DP/DR. However, I had no idea at the time, and didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until a few months later that I started doing my research. Anyways, I would suddenly feel like I jumped into a bubble. I even told my parents about it, but they told me it was probably just stress. But I wasn't stressed, it was actually during times of feeling quite calm that I experienced depersonalization. This was probably January-February of 2015, so pretty recently. In May, the symptoms were much stronger, and usually occurred while I was at school. I started to feel careless about social interaction, as if my anxiety about socializing had magically disappeared. It's my theory that I have depersonalization disorder as a coping method for anxiety. I got panic attacks during speeches, felt like I could barely move while walking down the steps. The derealization was much stronger at the time than depersonalization. I started seeing a counselor in July. It was something that was stronger in certain situations, but there 24/7. In August, while in Paris, I got a panic attack while we were site seeing with a large mass of people crowded around. It started on the metro, and I think what made it worse is that the lights shut off and the metro stopped for a couple of minutes. My depersonalization has gotten much stronger over the past couple of months. When it first started, it was mainly just very strange. Now, I have "episodes" that are intense often, of both DP/DR. But again, it's always with me, and I think that's like most people with depersonalization disorder. I am still seeing a counselor, and talking about it has really helped me understand it and look at it realistically.


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## Bedinus80

Hello Everyone!

I'm now 35 and this is the third time, I'm in this terrible nightmare. First I was 19 and it started with anxiety. It was terrible, I just didn't know what it is, I thoght I was going insane. The first 2 months were like hell, but after I get used to this shit, so I wasn't so frightened. After 10 months, it went away and I was fully recovered.

The second episode started when I was 25. First I felt anxiety in the afternoons, then one day I had a terrible panic attack during driving my car: it was not a "normal" one with heart-attack-like symptoms, it was a horrible DP/DR attack, out of the blue, and I thought I will die. I didn't, but this attack stucked in my brain and It happened again and again. And then, the DP/DR came again. The first 2 months was just like hell, constant DP/DR with a lot of panic attacks. After 5-6 months, I was able to function again and was quite normal again. After 1 year, I was fully recovered again.

And now, in september, I started to feel that anxiety again, and I started to worry about that horrible attack - which of course came again, thanks to my worrying. And the DP/DR came again. I can say, that it is always just like hell, it doesn't matter, that you've been recovered earlier many times. It is always a nightmare...

I have bipolar III, that's why I have thee episodes... I was pescribed Lamotrigine to stabilize my mood (I have depression az well). Has anyone tried lamotrigine?


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## EuphoricFog

Hi guys. 
I'm a 23 year old lady Taurus. 
I have recently been diagnosed with bp and dp
I used to get spells of dp as a young child, also struggling with insomnia. When I was eight I went through some very traumatic years ending with my mother's loss of life to a heroin od. 
I've been on meds as long as I remember. 
Lots of other traumatic things but I don't want to play pitty party. 
About a year ago I woke up with dp and it hasn't left me yet. When I swing down it can bring me to the brink of suicide thinking that it will never go away and I couldn't handle the rest of my life like this. When I swing high one of two things happen a) I become a euphoric goddess (in my mind) capable of anything. I literally feel like I am floating around and glowing. 
B) I start rapid cycling and my anxiety turns on me. Not only do I feel dp I also want everyone to acknowledge that I feel that way. People are always telling me that I seem normal so nothing could be wrong. Then I freak out on them and most of the time we don't talk anymore.

At work I talk to no one because I'm terrified that someone will find out what I'm really like.

It's exhausting bottling everything up.

Does anyone share my diagnosis that can relate. I feel very very alone in the world.


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## dreamedm

EuphoricFog said:


> Hi guys.
> I'm a 23 year old lady Taurus.
> I have recently been diagnosed with bp and dp
> I used to get spells of dp as a young child, also struggling with insomnia. When I was eight I went through some very traumatic years ending with my mother's loss of life to a heroin od.
> I've been on meds as long as I remember.
> Lots of other traumatic things but I don't want to play pitty party.
> About a year ago I woke up with dp and it hasn't left me yet. When I swing down it can bring me to the brink of suicide thinking that it will never go away and I couldn't handle the rest of my life like this. When I swing high one of two things happen a) I become a euphoric goddess (in my mind) capable of anything. I literally feel like I am floating around and glowing.
> B) I start rapid cycling and my anxiety turns on me. Not only do I feel dp I also want everyone to acknowledge that I feel that way. People are always telling me that I seem normal so nothing could be wrong. Then I freak out on them and most of the time we don't talk anymore.
> 
> At work I talk to no one because I'm terrified that someone will find out what I'm really like.
> 
> It's exhausting bottling everything up.
> 
> Does anyone share my diagnosis that can relate. I feel very very alone in the world.


I can definitely relate to the 'down' or 'mixed' part. When I checked myself into the hospital (thought it may help) I was diagnosed as having Mixed Bipolar. Several different psychiatrists I've seen in the past have told me that my anxiety is "secondary" to a mood disorder (with possible psychotic features). So yeah, it's a living hell - I can't even keep a job, almost got into some fights because of my mood and what this anxiety/DR/whatever it is is doing to me.


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## crunchytheclown

I was under terrible stress and faced with the prospect of performing some task that I just wasn't up to. My confidence in myself was shattered. I felt that I lost contact with reality the other day almost collapsing. My old self just never came back.


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## af_1993

hi. i've been suffering from dp since february this year. It is horrible! and it actually happened to me out of sudden..i cannot concentrate at all, cannot understand what i read and what people are saying. I was diagnosed with depression but i know that i'm not depressed..only then my other psychiatrist said i have dp..it is such a relief to read stories of people suffering the same thing so that i know i'm not alone here. My biggest problem here is my brain fog cause I'm still in my college year and it really greatly affects my life and study..i've told my problem to my friends and family but they just think i'm being paranoid and it just saddens me further. I've tried a lot of medications but none actually work..currently i'm on ritalin, lamotrigine and xanax..every time i took different medications, they only worked at the beginning but then lost effectiveness eventually..

I hope that I can be cured one day and i pray for all of us too..


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## Florin

Hello, my name is Florin, and are in Romania. I do not know English but translated with Google Translate. Excuse spelling mistakes. I have panic attacks, and depression for six years, which triggered depersonalization, and I feel really bad, everything seems unreal, like I was in a dream, as if they are drunk hangover occurs mainly in social situations. I suffer from agoraphobia and can not go anywhere unaccompanied. Now I antidepressant treatment, but depersonalization not pass at all. It is very hard to fight with those showing symptoms. I do not have any friends.They are very shy and socially isolated. Please help me with advice.Forget my facebook page: 
https://www.facebook.com/fhulub


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## mvr

Hello, my name is Miguel and I'm going to tell you my "story".

I've always been "different", since I was a little kid. I was always considered very intelligent, all the teachers and doctors got fascinated by my mind, they always said that I had something that the rest doesn't, a different way of viewing things, a different perspective of life. But there was always one thing that made me think, why couldn't I feel happy? Why couldn't I be like the others? Why couldn't I fit in? Why was I the one that always stayed in his corner thinking about his life, and thinking about the reason why I couldn't understand the others? I never stopped questioning things, always thought about the "what if's?", about why everything had to be done in a certain way. I struggle to find logical answers for all the questions I have to this day.

Around 4 years ago, things started to change slowly for the worse. I had just entered in my teenager phase, I started smoking, drinking, isolating from the outside world. A few months later, on the day I turned 14, I had a near-death experience, I overdosed on seroquel and alcohol. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I still remember being on that ambulance going to the Hospital, and the part of me that wasn't scared to death, just wanted me to close me eyes and let go. The paramedics were doing their best to keep me awake, my mom was by my side begging for me to not close my eyes and give up, and I felt it was it. I saw my life flashing right through my eyes, in those minutes I started to accept that I was doing to die, but after all, that wasn't it, as soon as I got to the hospital the doctors came and saved my life. After that, I just remember waking the next day with a tube going from my nose to my stomach, it was so freaking bad. I was super nauseous, I barely knew my name, where I was, what happened, it took me a couple of minutes to get my head straight. After that, I didn't know how to feel, if I should feel relieved I survived, if I should fell sad or angry for having to continue to live this terrible life. If things were bad, after that being me became a living Hell. I was in the Hospital for 2 days, and I only left when I was discharged by a psychologist. I remember being on my way home, on the car, looking through the window, once again questioning everything about life. I entered home, and as soon as I got to my bedroom, I looked at the bed, and all the details from the night before came back to me. I felt so traumatized that I grabbed a hammer and completely destroyed it, I also went to my aunts house for 2 weeks because I couldn't be at home, it was too stressful. After that, life became even more darker than imaginable, my mind went to a really dark place and that was when the DP/DR started having it's biggest effects on me. I started having panic attacks, feeling numb all the time, became a lone wolf. All I could feel was emptyness, frustration and anger. I started to revolt against everything, and it started to ruin my life. Everyday I saw the others doing their lives, all my friends being normal and living their normal lives, and only God knows how much it made me feel depressed. That went on for about 1 year, each time getting worse.

About two years ago, one of my closest family members died of cancer, and not having the hability to show or express any emotions really got a hold of me. But, before he died, I promised him that I would get my life straight, and even though I had no kind of motivation, I had given my word to him, and I started doing my best to get better. After I failed 2 years at school for not going (I would only go to the first trimester, after that I stopped going to school), I had a confusion with people from my neighbourhood, and that made me isolate myself during the whole summer. The school started, I did my best to keep my work and I passed the year, even though I kinda struggled at the end. I felt so damn weak, tired of going to school, tired of having to get out of bed, and as soon as the summer came, once again I isolated myself home, smoking and drinking all day. Around August, for the first time, I met someone that actually made me feel something and I fell in love, it was so weird, all out of nowhere I had the capacity of feeling something that wasn't negative, it motivated me, it made me feel "human", normal, I stopped smoking and drinking, it was almost a fairy tale, but even with all that, the relationship was terrible, and I could feel that it was draining my mental health. I didn't want to give up, but, something inside of me told me that I had to end it before it was too late to save my mind, so I broke things up a couple of days before New Years eve. In a matter of days, all of the things that were good, became worse than ever. I passed my New Years night all my myself, smoking and drinking as usual, and since then it has been like that. These last four months have been so bad that I don't have a word to explain it. I'm completely distant from everyone, the few friends I had started to get distant when they noticed this recent decline, they tried to talk to me about it, but they just couldn't understand, it feels like no one understands this, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I feel depressed, I can't feel anything, everyday I question myself about the meaning of life, of my life, and in the end of the day I just lay down hoping that I don't have to wake up again. I'm constantly focusing on random things, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm having problems retaining information, remembering all kinds of stuff, even the recent events feel like distant memories. I can barely remember anything from my childhood, I'm completely detatched from everything. My family can't understand me, I feel so missunderstood. I'm tired of going to school, of dealing with people, I have no kind of motivation to do anything, I'm watching my life go right through my eyes and I can't do anything about that.

"Everyday we have to get up and do our lives like it's nothing, no one understand the "pain" of lacking emotions. You can only feel sad and empty, it becomes frustrating. Whether you have reasons or not to be happy, all you feel is sadness. You become distant from everything, you witness the World as a mere spectator, you can't make an effort to achieve anything you want because you simply can't do it. It's like it doesn't even have an explanation, you feel like something is pushing you into the "darkness" of your own mind and you can't live your life. You see the people you're supposed to care about and you can't feel a damn thing, it seems like your emotional part is completely numb, and as I've mentioned, it's frustrating."

I wrote this yesterday on Genius, as an annotation to a line in a song, and it basically sums up what I've been talking about in this last part, and what I feel.

I'm currently in a very dark place and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. This is terrible and it's ruining my life, and each day it gets worse. I'm losing the short control I have over my life. I'm "going crazy" and I really don't know any longer what to do with my life. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, I don't know who I'm looking at, like an identity crisis.

Sorry if anything here seems more confusing than it should, but this took a while to write and it was hard to stay focused, the more I write/talk the more I say things that I don't want to and it makes it look like my word coherence isn't the best.

I hope you can understand me, and I wish as much for me to get better as I wish for everyone that suffers with this, because no one deserves it.


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## Gadgirl

Always had anxiety since i was a kid, and mild OCD i guess. Started smoking alot of weed from 13+ one day when i was 17 i smoked far too much I was hungover hadn't slept properly for a week and had a lot of different stress going on in my life i guess, Then bang had a massive trip out or panic attack or whatever and basically thays how my panic disorder started. I think I had DP/DR for a while back then but cant remember. Flash forward to July 2015 Loads of of stress in my life OCD flared up, anxiety flared up, was not eating properly or sleeping properly Split from my partner of 6 years then bang Panic attack with DP, and continued to have these attacks a couple of times a month till october when i woke one morning with the worst viral infection ever ( health anxiety told me i had meningitis) worst panic attack i have ever had in my life even worse than the one from weed, Add the fact that DP and DR happened full force at the same time. Been like this since. Im now month six i still dont sleep i wake up several times throughout the night, my brain is full of racing thoughts and obsessions and DP fluctuates in intensity but chronic DR and i also have chronic deja vu. Officially Diagnosed with DP/DR 3 weeks ago.


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## Pennee101

Bedinus80 said:


> Hello Everyone!
> 
> I'm now 35 and this is the third time, I'm in this terrible nightmare. First I was 19 and it started with anxiety. It was terrible, I just didn't know what it is, I thoght I was going insane. The first 2 months were like hell, but after I get used to this shit, so I wasn't so frightened. After 10 months, it went away and I was fully recovered.
> 
> The second episode started when I was 25. First I felt anxiety in the afternoons, then one day I had a terrible panic attack during driving my car: it was not a "normal" one with heart-attack-like symptoms, it was a horrible DP/DR attack, out of the blue, and I thought I will die. I didn't, but this attack stucked in my brain and It happened again and again. And then, the DP/DR came again. The first 2 months was just like hell, constant DP/DR with a lot of panic attacks. After 5-6 months, I was able to function again and was quite normal again. After 1 year, I was fully recovered again.
> 
> And now, in september, I started to feel that anxiety again, and I started to worry about that horrible attack - which of course came again, thanks to my worrying. And the DP/DR came again. I can say, that it is always just like hell, it doesn't matter, that you've been recovered earlier many times. It is always a nightmare...
> 
> I have bipolar III, that's why I have thee episodes... I was pescribed Lamotrigine to stabilize my mood (I have depression az well). Has anyone tried lamotrigine?


Hi: I am just new on this site. I saw your comment about Lamotrigine and wanted to let you know that I believe it has helped me greatly with panic and with dp. I remember vividly how for some reason I stopped taking it, (I think I was trying to do things holistically). We were in the midst of a bad hurricane which is very stressful to start with and then Bamb! The symptoms rushed over me. It was dp and racing thoughts and it went on for so long. After I made sure I got back on the Lamotrigine and have not been off since.


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## Pennee101

Gadgirl said:


> Always had anxiety since i was a kid, and mild OCD i guess. Started smoking alot of weed from 13+ one day when i was 17 i smoked far too much I was hungover hadn't slept properly for a week and had a lot of different stress going on in my life i guess, Then bang had a massive trip out or panic attack or whatever and basically thays how my panic disorder started. I think I had DP/DR for a while back then but cant remember. Flash forward to July 2015 Loads of of stress in my life OCD flared up, anxiety flared up, was not eating properly or sleeping properly Split from my partner of 6 years then bang Panic attack with DP, and continued to have these attacks a couple of times a month till october when i woke one morning with the worst viral infection ever ( health anxiety told me i had meningitis) worst panic attack i have ever had in my life even worse than the one tght, my brain is full of racing thoughts and obsessions and DP fluctuates in intensity but chronic DR and i also have chronic deja vu. Officially Diagnosed with DP/DR 3 weeks ago.


I know I am new here but I really want to tell you of something that helped me more than anything, (except the meds) and how it is free and right online. Back when I was in my 20's I found a self help group called Recovery Incorporated. I really think that the man who started it, (for his mental patients who had gotten out of the hospital, was the real founder of cognitive thinking. I can't really explain it but it is now Recovery International. I go to the forums and read the examples. (ps - If you ever decide to buy one of Dr. Low's books get it from the site. I remember seeing unscrupulous people selling the original book at absurd prices on Amazon.


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## Slinky

It all started when I was working on a production line. 
A busy production line coupled with the fact that I was on a rotating shift of nights, afternoons, mornings.

A friend of mine there offered me weed, I was only 20 at the time. I tried the weed, had a bad experience, went back to work and I remember just being on autopilot and the DP starting from there. The repetitive nature of the work, plus the rotating shifts and messy sleep patterns, my DP was really bad. I can still remember everything until the moment I lost my mind. The last 4 years have been, a blur, action and inaction, fog, hazed, dreamy.

Still dreaming....


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## Disruption

hey guys..i was a very experienced tripper who used psychedelics very often and had magical and mysterious experiences...actually the best experiences of my life

...at the time i got dp/dr i was a full time toker for 8 years..

it was one of these lonely evenings in the december before last year and in the same month i took mushrooms very frequently..if not almost everyday...but the night i got dp/dr was my last one and an overdose too...i smoked weed even though i already felt weird on my trip and then a few minutes later it started to get out of control...i went through 5 hours of the highest heartrate i ever had and the most dizzyness + sweating as never before and times where i didnt even know if im still alive or already dead...it was just as fscinating as frightening...and the worst ive ever been through

the next day i woke up i was dp/r'd and even though it was not me who died while i was on the trip i realized that something died inside of me...

i mean i still love ''drugs'' but i can no longer have medium to strong experiences on them...i need to microdose if i want to have a tiny bit of an experience without having a panic attack...

i hate that i belong to the group of people who have dp/dr...it ruins my life somehow..even though it killed the worst part of me and made me a better person...i wish my parents didnt beat me in my childhood...fuck it i regret my whole existence..i wish i would never have lived


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## avery

I just live in a dream now. I am in high school and I am starting to notice certain specific symptoms affecting my life academically, socially, emotionally, and personally. Funny thing is, I have never done drugs nor have I experienced a traumatic event to spark DP in my life. The first few times I felt it, I did the usual "am I losing reality?" ordeal followed by many mental breakdowns and frustration spells. I looked up "dream like-state" on google, found a forum on DP, and half of the battle was won. Sometimes I struggle with it socially because I forget things people say, and they will tell me: "You never listen." I struggle academically because I am constantly worried that my DP affects my ability to recall information and comprehend it. I am emotionally affected because I have lost any sense of sympathy that I used to feel. I find myself very irritable and often down on myself because I am abnormally horrendous with directions and driving. Many times in my spells I run red lights, and question conversations. It used to be a sporadic sensation but has grown into a life altering on-going experience that I would love to get help with.


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## BennyKoyd

Male, 26.

I've recently gone through some therapy. In doing so, My therapist believes that I've had this for quite sometime. More so from a collection of stressful events that piled on top of each other.

I was describing myself to him as people at work describe me, "robotic". That was our branching point into my detachment of any emotion, the out-of-body experiences, and the white noise from ruminating about all of those immense and abstract ideas. This was back in April. I sought out help because the "episodes" were becoming more frequently, sometimes lasting days. There was a 2 week period in the end of April where all I remember is watching myself walk in the hallways at work, that's it.

He then asked if there was a certain point that I can remember where it all started. I couldn't really give him one. I told him that I've felt this way for a while, years even. The last couple of years of my last relationship was filled with fights because " I never remember, and I never cared". I came to a realization that I never remembered because I wasn't really there, and yeah I rarely cared about a thing, her or otherwise.

The episodes came more intense in May of 2015. Two things contributed to this increase, Stress from work and the passing of my Grandfather. (I'm on board with thinking of DP as a malfunctioning defense mechanism, protecting myself from negative emotions and such).

Come November of 2015 I broke my foot, and I had to stay home and pretty much sit for weeks. This was a terrible thing, because "idle minds wander". The ruminating was intense, it occasionally stills get that bad. I describe it as white noise, created by my own thoughts that are speaking in a round, slowly becoming too loud till its just a static I can't get out of it. I was at a holiday party for the gym I go to. One of the worst episodes I've ever had. I was in the middle of the kitchen, watching myself have a conversation with my coach. Must've been a good conversation because I looked intent. I don't know cause I was just watching it happen, and watching everything else happen. I couldn't hear a thing, it sounded like the parents from The Peanuts just a constant "waa waa waa".

After that, here comes the most stressful time of the year at work, more deaths of loved ones, and financial struggles that occasionally had me having sleep for dinner. Episodes ensue, sometimes minutes, other times days at a time.

Fast forward to right now, and at least I know some of the triggers of the episodes. I know that certain times of the year are most stressful so I can mentally prepare per se. I've told a couple of people, while they fully don't understand, they are supportive. I go out a little less though. I still have plenty of episodes, at least they aren't lasting weeks at a time now though. People still call me a robot, which it fine because I feel like I'm just going through the motions anyhow. Just "as-if" acting.


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## Freddy400

A few things really scare me. I just found this site and it feels so reassuring but almost frightening at the same time.. how all of us can feel this together. I'm only 2 years into this experience and it scares me to think about having this the rest of my life. What also really scares me is how it started.. for some people it was a hit of pot or traumitc event.. for me it was taking 15 hits of pure LSD. The week before that I had taken 10, and for week before that! I took it FAR. And I stretched my mind to the LIMITS. Then after that? I waited a little and began to trip more, falling deeper and deeper into a sense of madness that I knew I had NO place of being in, but I couldn't stop. Finally I had to, it was getting so bad. I remember after a long drug binge I was strung out at my sisters house and I was sitting next to her having an intense DP/DR episode. I had to leave, I couldn't even look at her. How do you explain to your own sister that you can't believe she's real. How do you explain that to anybody? It makes me feel so scared and alone because even my own family or friends can't understand me. A lot of me knows I perpetuated it to.. thought it would be cool to see how far I could go.. I think of my brain like my favorite song, or any music. It's fun to sit down and listen to but when you're done, you're done. Well with my brain, I just can't turn it off anymore. Constantly questioning reality, myself, others. It has never been this bad and I'm so scared it will never end, and I'm honestly scared I have it worse then most. Not to be egotistical or rude. This horrible journey has just begun for me and that's why I'm so scared. I'm figuring it out as I go though, I'm happy to have found this site. Someone please reply if you have the time


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## Freddy400

Yo Miguel. Your story really got to me, would love to reach out and see if you're still around. I'm 18 going through some of the same stuff.I was 14 smoking and drinking till my grandma died at 16 and my life went downhill. Been suffering from this nightmare from the day I came back from 15 hits of acid. Nothing makes sense anymore its all a dream but even worse because I'm conscious of it. Honestly wish I had never became conscious of it. I guess I would take the blue pill now if I had the chance to go back.



mvr said:


> Hello, my name is Miguel and I'm going to tell you my "story".
> 
> I've always been "different", since I was a little kid. I was always considered very intelligent, all the teachers and doctors got fascinated by my mind, they always said that I had something that the rest doesn't, a different way of viewing things, a different perspective of life. But there was always one thing that made me think, why couldn't I feel happy? Why couldn't I be like the others? Why couldn't I fit in? Why was I the one that always stayed in his corner thinking about his life, and thinking about the reason why I couldn't understand the others? I never stopped questioning things, always thought about the "what if's?", about why everything had to be done in a certain way. I struggle to find logical answers for all the questions I have to this day.
> Around 4 years ago, things started to change slowly for the worse. I had just entered in my teenager phase, I started smoking, drinking, isolating from the outside world. A few months later, on the day I turned 14, I had a near-death experience, I overdosed on seroquel and alcohol. It was the most frightening experience of my life. I still remember being on that ambulance going to the Hospital, and the part of me that wasn't scared to death, just wanted me to close me eyes and let go. The paramedics were doing their best to keep me awake, my mom was by my side begging for me to not close my eyes and give up, and I felt it was it. I saw my life flashing right through my eyes, in those minutes I started to accept that I was doing to die, but after all, that wasn't it, as soon as I got to the hospital the doctors came and saved my life. After that, I just remember waking the next day with a tube going from my nose to my stomach, it was so freaking bad. I was super nauseous, I barely knew my name, where I was, what happened, it took me a couple of minutes to get my head straight. After that, I didn't know how to feel, if I should feel relieved I survived, if I should fell sad or angry for having to continue to live this terrible life. If things were bad, after that being me became a living Hell. I was in the Hospital for 2 days, and I only left when I was discharged by a psychologist. I remember being on my way home, on the car, looking through the window, once again questioning everything about life. I entered home, and as soon as I got to my bedroom, I looked at the bed, and all the details from the night before came back to me. I felt so traumatized that I grabbed a hammer and completely destroyed it, I also went to my aunts house for 2 weeks because I couldn't be at home, it was too stressful. After that, life became even more darker than imaginable, my mind went to a really dark place and that was when the DP/DR started having it's biggest effects on me. I started having panic attacks, feeling numb all the time, became a lone wolf. All I could feel was emptyness, frustration and anger. I started to revolt against everything, and it started to ruin my life. Everyday I saw the others doing their lives, all my friends being normal and living their normal lives, and only God knows how much it made me feel depressed. That went on for about 1 year, each time getting worse.
> About two years ago, one of my closest family members died of cancer, and not having the hability to show or express any emotions really got a hold of me. But, before he died, I promised him that I would get my life straight, and even though I had no kind of motivation, I had given my word to him, and I started doing my best to get better. After I failed 2 years at school for not going (I would only go to the first trimester, after that I stopped going to school), I had a confusion with people from my neighbourhood, and that made me isolate myself during the whole summer. The school started, I did my best to keep my work and I passed the year, even though I kinda struggled at the end. I felt so damn weak, tired of going to school, tired of having to get out of bed, and as soon as the summer came, once again I isolated myself home, smoking and drinking all day. Around August, for the first time, I met someone that actually made me feel something and I fell in love, it was so weird, all out of nowhere I had the capacity of feeling something that wasn't negative, it motivated me, it made me feel "human", normal, I stopped smoking and drinking, it was almost a fairy tale, but even with all that, the relationship was terrible, and I could feel that it was draining my mental health. I didn't want to give up, but, something inside of me told me that I had to end it before it was too late to save my mind, so I broke things up a couple of days before New Years eve. In a matter of days, all of the things that were good, became worse than ever. I passed my New Years night all my myself, smoking and drinking as usual, and since then it has been like that. These last four months have been so bad that I don't have a word to explain it. I'm completely distant from everyone, the few friends I had started to get distant when they noticed this recent decline, they tried to talk to me about it, but they just couldn't understand, it feels like no one understands this, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I feel depressed, I can't feel anything, everyday I question myself about the meaning of life, of my life, and in the end of the day I just lay down hoping that I don't have to wake up again. I'm constantly focusing on random things, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm having problems retaining information, remembering all kinds of stuff, even the recent events feel like distant memories. I can barely remember anything from my childhood, I'm completely detatched from everything. My family can't understand me, I feel so missunderstood. I'm tired of going to school, of dealing with people, I have no kind of motivation to do anything, I'm watching my life go right through my eyes and I can't do anything about that.
> "Everyday we have to get up and do our lives like it's nothing, no one understand the "pain" of lacking emotions. You can only feel sad and empty, it becomes frustrating. Whether you have reasons or not to be happy, all you feel is sadness. You become distant from everything, you witness the World as a mere spectator, you can't make an effort to achieve anything you want because you simply can't do it. It's like it doesn't even have an explanation, you feel like something is pushing you into the "darkness" of your own mind and you can't live your life. You see the people you're supposed to care about and you can't feel a damn thing, it seems like your emotional part is completely numb, and as I've mentioned, it's frustrating."
> 
> I wrote this yesterday on Genius, as an annotation to a line in a song, and it basically sums up what I've been talking about in this last part, and what I feel.
> I'm currently in a very dark place and I feel like I'm about to hit rock bottom. This is terrible and it's ruining my life, and each day it gets worse. I'm losing the short control I have over my life. I'm "going crazy" and I really don't know any longer what to do with my life. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself, I don't know who I'm looking at, like an identity crisis.
> 
> Sorry if anything here seems more confusing than it should, but this took a while to write and it was hard to stay focused, the more I write/talk the more I say things that I don't want to and it makes it look like my word coherence isn't the best.
> 
> I hope you can understand me, and I wish as much for me to get better as I wish for everyone that suffers with this, because no one deserves it.


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## tomhavefordismyspiritanima

Hey everyone! I'm 18 and have struggled with generalized anxiety for much of my teenage years. During my worst panic attacks I would experience moments of derealization but then would quickly return back to my normal consciousness. I also found that i dissociate during smoking weed but after a night's sleep it would be back to normal. However, I got on birth control in July, the kind that is inserted into your arm and that was where it all began. After just a week of having it in, I would notice that in situations where my anxiety would rise, I could never get myself back down to the calm state that I usually could after an anxious spell. The typical uneasy feeling would remain with me, and would be pretty terrifying. It wasn't until one night though after a stressful day that I felt things "switch". I dissociated for the first time again in years and it scared me to death. I eventually got myself calmed down enough to go to sleep and hoped that my morning it would be gone. However morning came and nothing had change, so here I am, about three months later and the derealization has unfortunately stuck around. I feel stuck in a dream-like state, and focusing on something harder usually causes me to dissociate even worse. However, one of my most terrifying symptoms is (trigger warning) the idea that I feel I can always reach this alternate consciousness. I guess everyone has that ability, but I have really focused on it and know exactly what it feels like. I have the times where I just feel a little dream-like, but I can think about that alternate state and go into it. And to me it feels like nothing. Absolutely emptiness, where nothing has any meaning or feeling. It resembles the feeling you get in a nightmare, where anything (scary) is possible. I am optimistic about the future. I have reduced most of my anxiety about it unless I find myself just staring off and focusing into this feeling. Can anyone else relate to this feeling? Is this derealization? And if so, how should I approach it? Thanks so much for listening


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## Alexm

I find it really hard to pin down when this all started for me. Its only been the last two years that I've started really struggling with it - normally in the summer when my shifts at work get lower and I have no uni work to occupy my spare time - but I can't think of any major point where it might have started. the earliest I remember feeling disconnected is about six years ago but at that time I can't really think of anything that might have triggered it all. about 4 years ago I went through a pretty stressful time, My grandfather came to live with us as his health and mental well-being deteriorated, we took on his care and not long after he passed away my aunt fell ill with motor-neurons disease. My mum flew out to Italy where my aunt lived to take care of her for a few months and I was by myself at that time, I would have been about 18/19 - I'd just left college and was working and while i was alone for those few months and in the space of three months I got promoted, took charge of one of the stores the company i worked for owned in town, had to close the store down when the company went under, got moved between other stores relentlessly, made redundant, re-hired but to another branch in a different town so i was commuting every day with little sleep or free time, dealt with higher ups who... were frankly just bullies, got my old job back at my local branch... It was a roller-coaster of a summer.

But the thing is, there is plenty of stuff that happened way before that, back when i was about 5 or so years old that equally landed me with a lot of stress in a very short period of time. I don't really want to go in to it all because i honestly feel like i could write a short book about it and that'd be a ball-ache for people to read. But i have to wonder, if I really have had this disconnection/ feeling of unreality/ emotionless emptiness for THAT long - how would i now know that what I feel regularly isn't 'normal' if this is largely all I've known. It's things like this that make me question whether or not I might actually be making this all up and this is some sort of elaborate attention-seeking ploy my subconscious is carrying out. and oh dear I've started entering the realms of existential philosophy, perhaps I should go to bed now :I


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## Benny115620

Woke up one day with non stop panic attacks they never stopped now I feel no emotion


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## Meshuga

It all started when I was 17 and had a manic episode and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I have been taking medicacation since. I'm 20 now.

So the depersonalization started about two years ago and it is the most frightening experience. I am fully aware of where I am and what I say but at the same time I'm not present mentally. I feel like I'm in a dreamy state of reality and I'm extremely anxious and uncomfortable around people.

I think the cause could be from the anti-phycotics and I really want to get off them bc the are ruining my life!!

What I would do was do stay at home in my comfort zone, but now I just started a new school and the DP is kicking up full strength. I don't feel like me, I can't consentrate, I feel like people around me think I'm an insane.

I really would love to get rid of this condition because it really is ruining my life!


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## tfiio

hi, I'm a 23 year old afab person. I don't actually have a sense of gender? apparently that's a thing most people have? and I think that may be attached to the depersonalization disorder. um, I don't really even know what's going on with me yet, I've had like, nebulous "problems" forever, but it took until probably halfway through this year before I stumbled upon an article that talked about depersonalization disorder, and I looked at it and thought "that's it! that's me! that's the word!"

I have a lot of trouble explaining things, and have a very severe sense of disconnect from myself. I struggle to respond to my name and I am constructed entirely from others' expectations and sometimes I even forget to breathe. I rely a lot on analogies; my brain is a rushing river, and my thoughts are the water. sometimes I can catch a thought in my hands but it trickles away so quickly if I don't keep pouring it from hand to hand, repeating it over and over. or I can put it in a jar (write it down), but it evaporates over time and I lose the context. it took a long time for me to even believe myself when I found the right label, because others said I was wrong and others are automatically more right than me.

um. I feel like I'm not explaining things right, and I'm a little scared someone will say "no, you're wrong, you have something else, start over", even here. I don't know when it started, I think I've always been this way? I think maybe I got unlucky with my mom. my dad's good though, in his own way. um. sorry if this is a dead thread or the wrong place or something.


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## CompletelyConfused1987

Hello,

My name is Sam, I am 29, living in Manchester, England.

My whole life has been about feeling disconnected, on the sidelines, completely out of sync with myself and the world, never knowing what is real or fake. I grew up in a family where 'normal' wasn't the same as everyone else, where I was rejected, ignored, invalidated and generally hurt. I cut off quickly and simply went from situation to situation and environment to environment just doing my best to fit in. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who is looking back at me. I have no sense of self because i almost learnt that being different from the norm or social expectations is wrong, so when I didn't feel what I thought I should be feeling I instantly believed it was wrong, so I gave up on that and went back to fitting in. I hate the fact that I know I should feel something but I don't. I limit my life and where possible avoid social situations and personal relationships. I am in a constant battle with myself and I feel like I am going crazy, even though logically (intellectually) I know I am not. I am constantly drained. Stuck in a rut with little hope of complete recovery, although I am taking positive steps forward to improve the quality of my life. I have managed to make some friends over the last year who have reminded me it is okay to love and be loved but god knows why they've stuck by me with my weirdness, because I still struggle with actually feeling anything and being around them, seeing the way they live increases the suffering I feel when I try but fail to enjoy the experiences we share. I am determined to keep going because a big part of my problem is a lack of acceptance. If I accept this is who I am rather than something I can change, then hopefully I will be able to manage my situation better.

All the best in your personal recovery journeys.

CompletelyConfused1987


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## Abalone

I have had DP and DR for a few years now, and I am so tired of this shit. I am 17 years old.

Before I experienced depersonalization I was depressed for a while. I used to have a lot of friends and they all started partying and I was not really that into it at that time, and it later led to me just completely falling out. When I started drinking I was already sort of on the outside of my old group of friends, and I kind of struggle to make new friends. It's not like I have social anxiety or anything, because I love to talk with people and I love to socialize, but I just can't seem to connect with new people the same way I did with my old group of friends. I was depressed for a good while, just doing nothing basically every weekend (still am), and after school I just went home to sleep or sit on the computer and try to waste the remaining time of the day. I watched sad videos to force myself to cry, and it was actually very satisfying to get my feelings out. I know my situation was not bad at all compared to most people, but it felt so sad to just be alone almost every day. I tried to contact my friends, but they rarely picked up or came up with an excuse even though they were with some of the other guys every time I tried, so I just gave up.

My first time experiencing DP was when I was with my class on a trip for a couple of days, and suddenly everything felt so fucking weird as if I was constantly high. My memory would be so fucking poor, like a mix between drunk and high and I was super frightened and had no idea what was happening. When I got back home again about a week later, it went away again. I will also mention that I did smoke a little bit of weed every now and then, but I don't think that's what made me experience it for the first time.

The second time was worse, after I drank way to much one day and got drunk, sobered up, got drunk, sobered up and then got drunk again. This was with my old group of friends and a whole lot of other people. The next day felt so fucking weird, at first I thought it was just the hangover, and that I would sober up in a few hours, but that did not happen. I sobered up relatively quickly for the amount of alcohol I drank, but the drunk feeling did not really go away. I knew I had experienced this before, so I was not that stressed for the first couple of days, but then I went totally insane. I screamed furiously into the mirror, didn't really recognize myself, everything felt 2D etc. I went to a doctor, but he had no idea what it could be, and that didn't exactly help. To be honest, I do not remember how long this round of DP lasted, because I remember almost nothing from the last 3 years and I have also forgotten most of the things before that, so I don't remember a whole lot at all. I used to have great memory, now it's just a constant brain fog. I think this round of DP lasted for around a year, and when the curtain finally lifted I was so happy.

Theeeen a few months later I lost three close family members, and I did not feel it at all. I attended their funerals, everyone crying, but I could not. I knew it was sad, and without DP I would probably have cried like hell, but my brain just shut off. After this I don't remember much, not what has been happening for the last one and a half years, and I fucking hate life to be honest. Every day is just the same, go to school, go home, waste the rest of the day 5 days a week, and in the weekends I don't do much either. Not out partying, not much with the people that I am closest to either. I have lost all happiness I ever had.

I think my biggest problem is that I have no feelings, it's basically like my humanity is shut off. I want to cry so badly, I want to feel again, but I just can't. I try to force myself, but I am not able to at all. Any ideas on how to cry? I know it sounds weird, but it is impossible.


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## atullzz

I smoked weed for a few months, and all of a sudden my highs started to feel scarier each time i did it. I started to constantly (when i was sober) \ feel like I was in a high, and I ignored it and continued to smoke, because I assumed it was normal to feel that way. now, i feel like this constantly. I feel like a ghost walking the earth without any purpose. everything just feels 2 dimensional, i feel like I've lost my personality and i'm just a painting. theres no way to describe it then just, i feel dead. thats the only word i know how to use. I feel like life just passes me by so quickly and i'm just half asleep walking through never knowing what the fucks even going on. I'm just barley walking. even though i barley know what fucking walking is because of how goddamn surreal is... my therapist says i'm just having anxiety, and she wants to put me on anxiety medication. it's not anxiety, because i'm not fucking thinking. i'm barley thinking. it's a feeling, it's confused my whole entire life to the point where it's with me constantly. it doesn't come and go, it's just a part of me now. i don't get excited anymore i feel like a whole new person, i feel lifeless, boring and sad all the time. i put on a mask of a fun, happy girl, but i feel like i'm just a blank sheet of paper wandering the world in a hazy fog, never really knowing what i'm doing or going. i feel like my brain is empty, everything i see is foggy, and nothing is real. I constantly feel like I'm in a warm bath if that even makes sense. it's just fucking scary. tell me if you can relate to anything i just said. please private message me if you want to talk, i'd really like that.


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## AriJoy

I guess my story is a common one.

I can't pinpoint when I started experiencing DP/DR. It feels like forever. Even as a child, I always felt disconnected from myself. I'd look in the mirror and be unable to associate that image with my own body. I'd get hurt and be confused by the pain. School was a disaster. I could lose myself easily in a room, "zoning out" I suppose. People called me timid or airheaded. I think eventually this led to the obnoxious person I pretend to be today, masking the fact that I feel nothing at all.

However, exactly when the attacks turned into a constant thing, I don't know. Sometime around grade eight, I started having crippling anxiety attacks. To try to stop them, I'd whisper to myself, "It's not real, you're not real, you're not here." I suppose I needed to detach myself from everything and everyone, including myself. When I entered high school, I felt like I was walking in a dream. I felt like a character in a story, like someone else was holding the pen that decided my emotions and actions for me. It was easy to believe conspiracy theories as well, easy to think I was being controlled by some outside source.

"I", whoever that may be, am not myself. When people hear me say that, they just dismiss it as teenage mumbo jumbo. "I" is too universal a term for the way I feel, broken up and disconnected from reality and my own body.

Last year, when I was fifteen, I was diagnosed as bipolar, but I always felt like there was more to it. Then I started researching, and discovered that Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder practically tells me my own life word for word. I've never been one for group therapy, so it surprised me how comforted I was to find out I wasn't alone in this feeling, that I wasn't the only one who felt like a bystander in their own life. I've felt the need for some word to describe my experiences because it felt like the only way I'd ever be able to get help, but it's been a year now and I've reached a point that I feel nothing at all and I really don't care about it anymore.

I'm a junior in high school, an AP student with a 4.0 GPA, but I can hardly get myself to do a simple assignment anymore because it feels pointless, like my grades won't really affect me. I'm a writer and artist, but whenever I pick up a pencil, I just imagine stabbing myself in the hand to try to get myself to feel something, anything, to convince myself I'm real. I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend, but I can't seem to put any effort into pretending anymore.


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## 103905

My dp experience when i had a thought of eternal life technically how we will be ourselves forever and nothing we can do about it :/ then i started to get symptoms how time was moving and i stopped as if i was in a movie i have seen, now its kind of better for me but i just have a stuck thought that has been affecting me for a while. If anyone needs any talking i am here for them ^^


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## 103905

Hello ive recently had dp stuck with me now. I am now only battling a thought similar to that and hyper aware of existence. I just need someone to talk to to help me with this. I would be gladly to help others as well ^^


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## shuissocool

Hi, I am a college student who has had this horrible condition for about 2 years now. It's just really bad- I am currently studying to become a teacher, but my memory is just so bad because of this condition. There is no concrete reality. I have tried telling myself that everything around me is very real but it just doesn't help. Does anyone here know if CAT scans will pinpoint the issue? I have heard from multiple users that therapy does not work much so I would not try that. Does medicare cover CAT scans?


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## the_third_eye

Well for starters I didn't even know this was a real thing until like a month ago. I'm also not really sure how this works so I'll jump right into a portion of my story.

I can remember far enough back to when I had symptoms starting when I was kid (at least 12 we'll say). I didn't even know what to even call what I was experiencing. At the time the best I could've done then was just describe it as distant, at the time it was just people. It was more of the idea that I kind of just felt indifferent towards everyone. Like I care about people and I love my family, but on another level I just feel separate in some odd way from them. It felt like everyone was just acting their part in the movie and I was acting mine, but we were all extras in the scene that was taking place. But for reason I was the only person who realized we were the extras, so I said my lines anyway.

Something that I also thought was normal was the hyper-awareness side of things. That's how I found out that dp was a real thing that other people had too, which at the time was a big deal to me. I was googling to see if watching yourself from behind yourself is a real thing and it turns out it is. I would say this has been my most ongoing symptom that I can remember. I don't know if it's the same for all people with dp, but the thing where it feels like you're separated by a glass wall I have that bad. My consciousness is looking out through my eyes, it feels like we're a little further back I suppose.

I didn't want to go on forever so I'll wrap this up. The most important thing is I'm glad there are others who understand what it's like. There are so many things I want to ask and talk to you all about. Sorry if this isn't up to par with how things work.


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## Hellome

shuissocool said:


> Hi, I am a college student who has had this horrible condition for about 2 years now. It's just really bad- I am currently studying to become a teacher, but my memory is just so bad because of this condition. There is no concrete reality. I have tried telling myself that everything around me is very real but it just doesn't help. Does anyone here know if CAT scans will pinpoint the issue? I have heard from multiple users that therapy does not work much so I would not try that. Does medicare cover CAT scans?


Unfortunately, CT scans are really just a structural image and can only detect physical injuries/abnormalities, perhaps a tumor or blood from a stroke. If anything was to show mind/brain *behavior* abnormalities (what you need), it would need to be a functional test, such as a PET scan or fMRI (not regular MRI) - they measure brain waves/blood flow/etc.


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## the_third_eye

InkJoy123 said:


> Hello ive recently had dp stuck with me now. I am now only battling a thought similar to that and hyper aware of existence. I just need someone to talk to to help me with this. I would be gladly to help others as well ^^


i also have hyper awareness, this in particular has been something that is hard for me. i hear my consciousness thinking about itself and i get stuck on it, it's an odd feeling for sure. please feel free to ask or share anything with me!


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## the_third_eye

CompletelyConfused1987 said:


> Hello,
> 
> My name is Sam, I am 29, living in Manchester, England.
> 
> My whole life has been about feeling disconnected, on the sidelines, completely out of sync with myself and the world, never knowing what is real or fake. I grew up in a family where 'normal' wasn't the same as everyone else, where I was rejected, ignored, invalidated and generally hurt. I cut off quickly and simply went from situation to situation and environment to environment just doing my best to fit in. I look in the mirror and I have no idea who is looking back at me. I have no sense of self because i almost learnt that being different from the norm or social expectations is wrong, so when I didn't feel what I thought I should be feeling I instantly believed it was wrong, so I gave up on that and went back to fitting in. I hate the fact that I know I should feel something but I don't. I limit my life and where possible avoid social situations and personal relationships. I am in a constant battle with myself and I feel like I am going crazy, even though logically (intellectually) I know I am not. I am constantly drained. Stuck in a rut with little hope of complete recovery, although I am taking positive steps forward to improve the quality of my life. I have managed to make some friends over the last year who have reminded me it is okay to love and be loved but god knows why they've stuck by me with my weirdness, because I still struggle with actually feeling anything and being around them, seeing the way they live increases the suffering I feel when I try but fail to enjoy the experiences we share. I am determined to keep going because a big part of my problem is a lack of acceptance. If I accept this is who I am rather than something I can change, then hopefully I will be able to manage my situation better.
> 
> All the best in your personal recovery journeys.
> 
> CompletelyConfused1987


all that you talk about in this post i can relate to. I've struggled with the lack of self for as long as i can remember. looking into a mirror is weird for me because i'm not sure that who looks back is what i really look like. the feeling of disconnect is something that is still very prevalent for me. hanging out with friends is difficult because I'm not even there. As far as getting 'better' by accepting this is who you are, I would say it's more of getting used to the fact that this is how things are for people like us. those with dp who have been apart of the struggle since a young age and are still caught in it now, its different then an episode of dp, this is the world I know.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

So many triggers for me: addiction, ibogaine, a supplement called Magnesium L-threonate (avoid this shit like the plague and any other drugs unless medication form your doctor), unbelievable stress, huge health problems, and just the most awful year imaginable. in the space of a few months last year, i had some incredible misfortune and i have not been the same since.


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## morgie476

I just dont recognize myself in the mirror anymore or feel comfortable in my own skin. i feel like the only place that is functioning is my head and I feel trapped in there to. There are definetley good days and not so good days. Today is one of those bad days and I really need someone who has recovered or is going through the same thing as me!!!!!!! I have all of the symptoms you can imagine and im 17


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## London

Hello,

I have been depersonalised since I was 16 and I am 30 years old now. It didn't start with any drugs, it started when I was studying for my exams and had been experiencing high levels of anxiety, our home was an anxious/tense home with parents constantly pushing me for academic success and constant arguing between themselves. I took a quick break from my studies one day to listen to music and was dancing around my room and playing along to the music with my guitar - then I experienced what could only be described as a rush. I was a good student and had no problem focusing and learning up until that moment. I had no idea what the hell happened to me and visits to the family doctor / ophthalmologist (I thought it was a problem with my eyes) and going for a CT scan provided no clues. Doctors offered SSRI' but my parents decided against them - they instead took me for holistic treatment like acupuncture and homeopathy. The acupuncture was actually very good for stress relief caused by the DP but it didnt get rid of the actual DP. I should mention that Ive never really been into drugs per se and have smoked weed a few times in university - it just made the feeling of DP worse ( i never really understood why people like it so much), I barely drink minus a single whiskey on special occasions (being 30 means hangovers are about 10000% worse than when in university) but I do smoke 1 - 2 cigarettes a day and cigars on special occasions.

My symptoms include;

1. The world looking duller than before and not feeling real. Colours were not as vibrant.

2. The room looked 'off' like it was on an angle and tilted and that things were not in the correct proportion

3. Lack of ability to focus, concentrate and learn - definitely reduced my mental ability by 60 - 75%. (I went from straight A's to fails within one year)

3.5 MENTAL ARITHMETIC - THE ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE MATHS IN MY HEAD WAS LOST

3.6 ATTENTION TO DETAIL - COMPLETELY LOST.

4. Hypochondria

5. Inability to follow conversations (this really scared me and I remember watching scrubs and not actually being able to understand what was going on) - I think was probably more a byproduct of the anxiety and being wound up in 'am i going to die?' thoughts.

6. Feeling mentally drained and exhausted. the best way to describe this is; imagine opening microsoft word your first computer - it was probably slow and would work hard to open the program and the fan would constantly whir. Now imagine opening word on your current computer (opens the same thing in fraction of the time) and the computer does it easily. Well I feel like I am the old computer and everyone else is the current computer.

What I have tried;

1. Acupuncture - helped relive the anxiety caused by dp

2. Homeopathy -no help

3. Blood tests (nothing untoward found) -for allergies / deficiencies / testosterone / thyroid etc

4. CT Scans -nothing abnormal

5. Chiropractic treatment -this was just good for my body not so much my mental

6. Regular exercise - I lift weights and box to keep fit (this has saved my life as it allows you to completely not think about the DP DR for the hour you are in the gym)

7. Ketogenic dieting -felt much improved but didn't cure it and its hard to maintain

8. No sugar diet -again much improvement but didnt cure it and hard to maintain

9. I will try Harris Harringtons program over the christmas break.

Supplements;

1. 5 HTP -made me have weird dreams and helped me sleep deeper

2. Fish oils - no noticeable difference

3. Magnesium citrate - this was helpful, felt more mentally calm - seemed to lower my blood pressure which was already in the normal range

4. L cartinine - no difference

5. Maca root - no difference with DP but my girlfriend at the time enjoyed me being on this ...

6. St Johns wart - made me sensitive to sunlight

7. vitamin d - no effect

8. vitamin b - slight alleviation of feeling exhausted in the evening

Im now going to focus on the Psychological aspects of DP. Einsten once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - so enough with the supplements and enough with the holistic stuff. Im going to look into CBT and have read a lot about this harris harrington site that people dont seem to like on this board. I will post updates.


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## SpookyPoe

I first felt the feeling of unreality when I was a little kid, maybe 7 or 8. It hit me like a truck while I was at a cousin's birthday party but it subsided after I sufficiently freaked out. It didn't happen again until a few years later when I went to the movies with a few friends, I can remember thinking "What if that weird out of body thing happens?", sure enough I was taken out of my own head and had to leave the cinema. It occurred off and on for the rest of my years, usually brought on when I thought about it, but it lifted after a little and it was manageable.

Fast forward to a few months ago, a friend of mine had come home from teaching in Korea so we had a big party for him, I usually don't drink much but I thought, "Hey, we're all happy he's home, let's just have one night of letting loose." Many drinks later I as feeling very tipsy and made the brilliant decision to smoke a joint. Now, I had smoked plenty before now but I had always made the decision to smoke without any alcohol in my system. After about 15 minutes I thought, "What if you depersonalize now?", and like a truck it hit me in the face. Out of my own body and mind, I urged but felt like another person was in my body and I was in my head completely separated. I had to be taken to the emergency where I vomited for 5 hours then went home with my girlfriend.

The next day I felt alright, nothing more than hungover and I counted myself lucky. So that very night I decide to smoke again but hey, I have no alcohol in my system right? So I smoke and I feel fine, this continues for about a month. Now I did notice in my daily life I was noticing the small spurts of DP happening much more often but I thought it was just my nerves since I have an anxiety disorder.

Then one night in November I decide to go out and smoke at a friend's house. I remember thinking I didn't feel well but I continued and smoked anyways. On the way home I felt ripped right out of my own body, everything went the same way it did at my friend's party the month before. Somehow I got home, managed to get my girlfriend to run me to the emergency where I once again vomited for 5 hours in intense panic and no reality.

Difference this time is I remember thinking "You messed up big time. This feeling isn't going to go away like it did last time." I was snake bit, the next day I felt awful and completely out of touch with reality. This has been my life for about three months now, there are good days and there are bad days. There are days I can look at the symptoms and laugh and there are days (mostly nights) where I feel like I may as well say my goodbyes.

This is my story with DP so far, I hope to find some peace in the community here. Thank you for reading and feel free to reply with your favorite coping mechanism(s)

Take care everyone, we're all here. I'm all the way up in the cold reaches of Canada suffering through this, as detached as we feel we are all part of the same world and I find comfort in knowing that no matter how bad I feel someone else out there is also going through this and many more have surpassed it.


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## RedSky

100% same symptoms but my DP/DR was brought on by weed, I have also seen small results with Magnesium and vitamin B and have tried so many "healthy" ways to improve but they never seem to do the trick.

Also its funny that you mention Einsteins quote because I recite it to myself almost everyday and try to adapt it to my life whenever possible, I am always trying something new to battle this condition. I am also looking into the Psychological aspects so if you find anything groundbreaking please let me know!! :mrgreen:


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## Hedgehog fuzz

i feel sorry for you morgie. I'm young too.


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## bbaldeh10

all i know is this thing sucks my life it took over completly.it started after my mum and dad divorce som 9 years ago i am now 26 it get worse by the day i am not myself anymore.i am from the gambia here if i tell people about this things i am afraid they wil say i am going mad and i know am not i drive among the busiest traffics here i do all my jobs just ok but what disturb me most is that i am failing my love ones i am not myself.i have never seen a doctor i just do a lot of reading and am glad that i found this site atleast i will have people to talk to.did anyone ever got out of this?


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## bbaldeh10

dp is crazy relly i jus hope one day we will all be ok


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## bbaldeh10

17
i feel sorry for you morgie.
I'm young too.


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## Sana10

Hello. I am not sure if I totally belong here or not. Because I haven't had the treatment nor somebody telling me that I have DP. But I just want to tell you my story, and symptoms, just so you can tell me if it's actually Depersonalization or something else.

So one day I was going to school in the morning, and I just closed my eyes for about 10 seconds, just to wake up and wonder: Where am I? Is this reality? What is this place? And after a split second I would remember everything again. When I got to school and for the school day, everything was just fine. But on the ride back home, I thought of recreating the feeling I felt at the morning, biggest mistake of my life; I was listening to music and just thought of making myself forget that I'm in the bus, when I opened my eyes, everything felt... weird. I felt as if I am not sure who I am, or what I'm doing, or whatever I did. Even though I can definitely answer any question asked about me, I feel as if it's not true, or as if I'm not sure of it. When I reached home, every once in a while, I would feel like I am doing stuff automatically, like I can't control it as much, or that it doesn't have a meaning. It is very hard to explain. I panicked, thinking I was dying, nobody was with me except my worried sister. Whom started crying when I told her I think I'm gonna die. She called our uncle, whose a very good doctor. He told us it was nothing to worry about and that it is just happening from stress or I'm thinking too much. Or that it could be because my mother left for a business trip for about 3 to 4 weeks. And that it would end when she comes back. I've waited and waited, while suffering through that feeling all the time. The thing that is bad about this is that I was at winter break, which means there is nothing such as school and friends distracting me from this feeling. When my mother was finally coming back one day, I was so excited. Thinking all of this is going to end. But no, it's been almost two months now and still, the feeling didn't die. I'm so worried. What if it lasts forever? I'm only 12 and I don't wanna live like this. I want to be normal like all the other kids.

Here are some of the stuff that happen to me overtime:

- The person in the mirror feels like a stranger to me.

- Whenever I think alot or close my eyes for a while and then go back to my surroundings, I feel for a split second confused and thinking: Is this reality? Where am I? The real panic starts when this lasts for 5 seconds.

- Most of my friends think I'm sleepy or sick or tired a lot of times.

- Sometimes it feels as if what I'm doing is not controlled by me, or that I don't remember myself doing it.

I don't know if I should get a treatment or not, because my uncle who is a really good doctor says that I'm just fine.


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## Hedgehog fuzz

How are you "fine"? what does he mean by that?


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## b7wagon

My name is Steven, im 21 years old. I first noticed my DP freshman year of highschool, i was smoking marijuana with a few friends, it was only my second or third time smoking and the day after i still felt a little off. I remember slapping myself to try to get back into it. I think maybe i was worried about what my parents would think if they found out i had tried smoking weed. When i got home i told my mom what happened, i called poision control and they told me to just wait until it left my system. I immediatly started researching and stumbled apon Depersonalization. Sometimes i wonder if i dwelled on it so much that i created this problem in my own head, i feel like if i didnt research anything and left it alone maybe i would have just forgotten about it. Its been about 5-6 years since i've had Dp, it feels weird saying that, i remember thinking "if this doesnt go away ill kill myself" but as time went on i kinda got used to it, which is also scary to think. I've been back and forth with pyschiatrists and been on anti depresants for a while, none seemed to help at all with the Dp. Where i live is pretty rural and all the doctors i've seen dont know much about Dp so i gave up going to them a while ago. Recently i did go to a different doctor and they prescribed me Lamotragine along with the effexor ive been taking, hopefully it works out. Sometimes i get frustrated because it feels like theres a layer of glass between me and the world, also i feel like my mind and body are desynced. My biggest fear is that i will develope pyschosis and lose touch with reality. Re reading this i feel like i sound crazy already,but im not very good at putting my feelings into words. Hopefully ill figure this whole thing out soon. Peace and love


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## Julesblum

When I found out about this website, it made me smile. It is so nice to see such a great community of people who all share this scary and difficult disorder.

It started when I was 14. I was at summer camp and my friend offered me edibles. I took it, and about twenty minutes later I started freaking out. I felt like I was out of my own body. This lasted for the next couple of days. I continued feeling strange and unlike myself for a long time after that. I would feel flashbacks every once in a while.

I am 17 now. I recently read about what dp and dr is and it describes how I feel completely. This disorder was caused by the insane amount of stress I put on to myself as a result of my edible incident. I often find myself looking at my own body in the mirror and not recognizing myself. I sometimes feel like theres someone else inside of me, speaking, walking and living for me.

I feel so much better knowing that there are ways to subside certain feelings. Now that I know all of this, I and going to talk to my doctor!


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## Leah87

I highly recommend the therapy that Harris Harrington offers, it's simple and you can see improvements quickly.


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## epiphany906

Im on the fence here about dp being a bad thing. I believe it created me for who i am and have a better understanding of myself and surroundings than your average "normal" guy. I just dont flaunt it. i see it as me looking down into the "box" rather than being stuck in it like an animal. I dont know of any other way of living besides my childhood innocence. Its sort of like a defense mechanism i use in public. I believe certain meds can really harm you because your fuckin with yourself. iv had the highs and lows and i couldnt wait to come back to my dp senses.


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## Blake Lund

My experience with Depersonalization


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## xXMsMusicXx

I've just started researching DPD but I'm sitting here, feeling tears roll down my face even though I don't feel upset because I know I should be upset. I've always known I've felt out of place, disconnected. The stories I've read so far of DPD like define me. I can't remember when it started. I remember being 5 years old and hoping I would have my first kiss before I died, because I've never felt fully alive. Now I'm 17 and the past years of my life have been so difficult I can't even explain it here.

To begin with the DPD in recent years. I have PTSD, but I think it developed after the DPD. I would cry myself to sleep for days at a time, and then I would just feel nothing for weeks. Emptiness. Hollow inside. I look in the mirror and I touch my face, run my hands down my sides to feel that I am real. I remember realizing I had curves one day, I was standing in front of the mirror for 15 minutes just looking at myself trying to ground myself, and was like "Oh I have curves, where did those come from". I've worn hoodies for the past 6 years, until my mom hides them from me in the summer. It's the one thing that's real to me, I brush my hair to help ground myself. No one gets it. I feel like I'm living on a cloud, I've never been high but I've been asked if I am a stoner if that helps explain it.

Last year from January to September, I had nightmares. I had met an older guy whom I had convinced myself I loved. Our relationship was completely online. Please no judging. I was trying to feel something, anything. I found out after a month that he was married but by then I had been sexting him already and he had convinced me it wasn't an issue,he was getting a divorce. I started to feel for the first time in a very long time with him. I didn't know what to do, but it hurt so much that all of my repressed emotions for so many years were surfacing, without a filter. I was suicidal for the first time in 7 years, because I couldn't control the emotions flooding me. And then my guy was gone. We went from talking one day to him disappearing the next. It felt like my chest was being ripped open, heart torn in two. I was a mess for about a month, then feeling was gone again. My nightmares were too. I'd pinch myself, bite my arms to see if I felt the pain. I did but it was more sensing it, there wasn't really any pain. I'd cry without feeling. Eventually the tears stopped because I didn't see the use when I felt nothing again.

Moving on to the past few months since then. I'm in my senior year in high school. Going to college next year. I have been lost though. And then I had a friend who gave one of her coworkers my number, told him I could sext and etc. I'd told myself I would never do that again, I wouldn't get distracted. But he was different from others, and a week after I first texted him I lost my virginity. It wasn't because I love him, it just happened. I didn't see why I shouldn't, considering how life is but a dream anyways. Nothing feels real. I'd always thought that sex was some sort of super stimulant, you feel everything in hyper senses, you know? It happened on a picnic table in middle of February. He kept commenting on how he was surprised I wasn't cold, but it was because I don't feel cold temperatures. I barely felt him touching me unless I physically looked at him, the most momentous thing I remember was looking up at the sky and realizing I didn't remember the last time I'd seen so many stars. I felt like I was intruding on my own body, watching through a strangers eyes.

Since then I've lied to my parents more than I have in my entire life, I've met him several more times, and I know I should feel immensely guilty but mostly I just feel angry for no reason. Music is the only thing that calms me, brings me down to earth and keeps me from losing it. It's the only remedy I have used countless times over the years, like I am addicted to it. When I listen to music I can feel, it moves me, like I can't even explain it. I just feel constantly on the verge of going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore lol, so I guess if anyone has tips or has gone through anything similar to this, I'd appreciate any help. I'm so detached from everyone that my family doesn't even know I've suffered from ptsd for 9 years. They assume I'm fine, because I let my body do the thinking for me. It's like I barely control myself. Sorry for such a long post xD


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## May_

growing up i was emotionally and narcissistically abused by my father while living with my mom who also physically and emotionally abused me. my parents got divorced when i was 2 with lots of hatred towards each other. i was bullied in school for racial reasons, begged girls who bullied me to be friends with me, hate my race and family because of the bullying, and was ashamed of my mom coming to school. as you can tell my childhood wasn't easy and all of that resulted in depression and anxiety in a very young age and now depersonalization

i first experienced depersonalisation when i was 5, i remember feeling that my soul left my body for a couple of seconds, this feeling came occasionally, ironically i used to enjoy it, but now i'd do anything to get rid of it. I don't know when did i first experience the chronic depersonalization but it was about 4 years ago, i knew something was wrong, i woulld enter school thinking "is this place real?" "am i dreaming?" and many more. just recently i decided to see a professional psychologist, 30th of November to be exact, he officially diagnosed me with depersonalisation, but when i asked him "will it ever go away ?" his answer was that he'll teach me how to get used to it cause thats the only solution

that made everything worse because basically he was saying that it won't go away, i truly believed that cause he was the best in my entire country (charging 300$ for 45 minutes) i gave him a second chance and we tried hypnosis didn't do much since i have a very awake mind.

now i, seeing a deferent therapist who is specialised in childhood problems and i feel more comfortable.

the thing that ive noticed is that when some people talk about there depersonalisation they talk as if it lasts for a couple of hours a day, but for me it is 24/7 and thats what my therapists don't get? is depersonalisation suppose to be for a couple of hours?

and i want to know is it possible for someone like me to get cured?

btw im 18 years old now


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## Aha's Shadow

Hello I'm new to the forum. I'm gonna try to express my experience though I dunno if it will come out right.

My symptoms are confusing and varied to the point where I don't know exactly what is wrong with me and don't know if I'm actually the same person or in existence anymore! Hopefully someone can relate.

So my main issue at the moment is speaking and body movements. I have no Idea how words are coming out of my mouth. I think of what I'm going to say and then it is somehow just said. It feels like shapes of my mouth aren't being made by me and I'm constantly analysing how I'm doing it. It feels like I haven't learnt how to make these shapes with my mouth so it certainly doesn't feel like I am making them. It's Iike it's too subconscious, and there's no thought process into how I'm doing it. I couldn't tell you how to speak and what shapes you are able to make but it somehow happens.

I have similar problems with general movements. I can't work out how I'm able to move my muscles and again little thought seems to go into actions yet somehow they are happening!

Apart from this I sometimes genuinely believe I'm not real, that the people around me are not real and that somehow this is all just not happening. And yet I am somewhat perplexed by the fact people don't seem to notice anything wrong with me which just gives me a feeling of further detachment between my brain and body. It feels like the person I was (or at least think I was) never actually existed and infact this is the right way to be, though I know it isn't.

I don't seem to look at my body or get feelings towards it in the right way. I can see it is all attached, yet I feel I'm not conscious enough of it and don't have the connection with it that I used to.

Finally, I don't seem to get words and how I'm forming a sentence. I find it weird how I'm able to put words together, and then once I have, I have to think of the meaning of that word and how it fits with the words before and after it.

Anyway if that rambling mess made any sense, I'd love to know if anyone has dealt with similar.


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## hopefulobserver

Hello to this community of extremely strong individuals. The fact that you are here recognizing your experiences is strength in itself, a depersonalized/derealized mindset is something (as we all know) that at times feels unbearable. I admire you all for getting up every morning and living with whatever sensations you may be facing. *This may be a semi unorganized train of thought and I can't include everything. This also may not even be seen by many, but writing this helps me so I hope it will help you. *

I am a college student who was hit by this shield back in october of this year. I call it a shield because that is the best way I can describe what majority of these feelings are like. This shield sits in front of you, blocking your emotions, blocking your connections to others, and blocking you from that feeling we once took for granted, feeling present and ALIVE. I won't go into detail on all of the symptoms throughout my experience with this, but feel free to message me if you want to know more.

There's a few things I've learned along the way that may help others, something I vowed to share if I ever got comfortable doing so because it's disgraceful the lack of information there is on this topic. It appears a lot of what we have is simply the support of one another. Which leads me to lesson one...

*giving any attention to some of the horribly cynical posts on here will only push you backwards. It was in the moment I was laying on my bed for the 7th day in a week that I realized I cannot compare my personal experience to anyone elses because no two people are the same AT ALL. This is true and highly disregarded in mental illness *BUT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND*, 100 people can have depression and each one can have different symptoms and different reasons why. Same thing with dpdr. This feels like a scary thought initially but then I thought of how promising it is. *Just because the guy next to you has suffered for X amount of time HAS NO EFFECT on your experience.* You may read John Doe's story and think everything he is saying aligns up with exactly what you're experiencing, but what you're missing is the hundreds of other factors that have contributed to his experience. Past, present, family, physical health etc. which will not match yours.

**THERE IS NO ONE WAY OUT OF THIS. THIS SHOULD NOT SCARE YOU. IT SHOULD REASSURE YOU*. people will preach exercise, vitamins/supplements, healthy diet, distraction, acceptance, mindfulness, and some will swear by different medications. guess what? again, we are all different, and some of these methods may not work for you. This is where you make a pact with yourself that you WILL overcome this, it's not an option. and you will try each of these given all the power you have, because you have made it this far. *DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED WHEN A CERTAIN METHOD ISNT WORKING*. Does 1 SSRI work for every depressed person? no. Does 1 pair of glasses fix everyones sight? nope. I read 1000 times that acceptance is the key to beating dpdr and anxiety, but what how the fuck do you do that? why isn't this working? how can I accept something or distract myself from something that preoccupies my mind 24/7? you practice patience, you understand that time is the key to any form of healing. John may have learned acceptance in a week, it took me months. that is OKAY. did thomas edison pick up a light bulb and instantly light it up? hell no. he did trial and error, he fell down and got back up, he took one step forward only to be pushed back 10 more. but he had resilience. Do I feel 100% some days now? yes. can I feel 2% the day after? yes. but what will I do? NOT see it as a failure.

*let somebody know. *LET YOUR FUCKIN SELF KNOW.* write it down on paper. dont fight it. "i have depersonalization, I feel weird as hell and my world feels flipped upside down." there is something therapeutic about seeing it on paper. when I first did this I would look down at my hands and writing and be like "is this even me? I don't feel like I'm writing this." and then I would laugh because of course I'm writing it, its just this dumb ass shield that wants to play games with me. *ITS SCARY. WE KNOW ITS SCARY. BUT GUESS WHAT?* the only way to make this worse is to throw a pity party and do nothing about it. if you feel like shit and live every day exactly as you have been, you will continue to feel the same way. AND ITS HARD, ITS HARD AS SHIT. are there still days I let this get to me and spend hours sitting behind my computer? yes. but the sun always rises tomorrow and I have a chance to start trying again.

*some people will not understand, but the better part is, *A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL*. this website itself shows you how much *you are not alone*. when I became determined to find my way out and understand this mess I saw a lot of different psychologists/psychiatrists. the first one said "seems like a depressive episode, if this self help thing you're doing doesn't end up working, we'll throw you on some zoloft and you'll be fine." I NEVER WENT BACK THERE AGAIN. "throw" me on some zoloft. NO THANK YOU, *another pro tip*, if the doctor isnt willing to discuss all the ins and outs of a potential medication and they're pushing it on you and it doesn't feel right, chances are IT AINT RIGHT. I eventually found a woman who has taught me so much. *THE SIMPLE REASSURANCE THAT I WASNT CRAZY AND THAT THIS WAS MY BODY TRYING TO PROTECT ME HELPS INFINITELY.* Was it immediately helpful? no, because I spent so much time thinking this was something more serious, scared of what could be. Of course I knew it, I was in such a state of panic it was only a matter of time before my body decided to peace out. and thats the irony of it all, the exact defense mechanism thats trying to help you ends up scaring you out of your fuckin mind instead. it will take some time to digest that and believe it. thats where that word acceptance comes from all those recovery stories you see. acceptance has layers to it as well.

**ACCEPT THAT ACCEPTANCE WILL TAKE YOU TIME, YOU CANNOT CREATE A TIMELINE OF CHECKPOINTS IN RECOVERY.* Well Billy Bob said he worked out and was cured in a month. Great for him, you are not billy bob so if his method doesn't work for you, THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE TERMINAL. I had to accept I had this, it wasn't going to go anytime soon, and that it would take effort. You cannot simply push this state of mind away, it will only work against you. You must make friends with the enemy, shake hands with it, and devise a plan together. *ONE OF THE BEST TIPS I GOT WAS FROM A PSYCHOTHERAPIST WHO SAID "usually if these feelings, such as the anxiousness, trapped, sad, detached ones you are facing decide to linger, it is your body's way of trying to send a message to you, try to listen for it." *DPDR and anxious/depressed feelings are like that person at school who just picks on you whenever you're around for what seems like no reason. They want your attention, but don't give you anything useful or worth it. But they keep persistently doing it, why? Because you feed into it and give them attention. He/she who is picking on you gets off on the fact that you're expressing frustration and giving a response. And then you come to find out this person was picking on you because they like you, *OHHH it all makes sense now.* This is how you need to approach dpdr, look it in the eyes and ask what its doing here. DPDR, why did you choose me? This is the most frustrating for some people who spend hours researching causes. Did something in the past upset you? Are you traumatized by an experience? Are you stressed/tired? Do you dislike your job or feel unsatisfied with an aspect of your life? It may take time to figure out, and maybe this dpdr came about from substance use or a separate situation. However, this could still apply. Cannabis induced dpdr for example, "hm, was this because I smoked? why do I smoke? are there ways I could be healthier?" ANYTHING. "Have I always been anxious/depressed? Is this something new or were there earlier signs?" For me, I realized I was largely unsatisfied with my college, I felt I wasn't getting the experiences I had hoped for. THIS TOOK TIME TO FIGURE OUT. Often, some little things/thoughts we have stick more than we realize, and can subconsciously manifest themselves in different ways. With me, for example, I knew I was feeling kind of bored with school, but I didn't realize it would take smacking me in the face with anxiety/dpdr to make me do something about it.

*After some soul searching, nothing may come up. thats okay. continue to test yourself and *TEST DPDR.* I would go to class and feel like I floated there, I would look at the people around me and feel zero connection to them and like the entire experience wasn't real. Sometimes I would burst into tears and run out of the room. But eventually I decided to look DPDR dead in the eye and test it. What's gonna happen if I sit here, type these notes for an hour and feel invisible the whole time? NOTHING. You can still accomplish significant things while in the throws of DPDR states, but it likes to make you think you can't. It felt like I couldn't concentrate for shit, I sat for a 3 hour law test once, felt like a robot filling in all the answers, and left. *WHAT WAS THAT? ME. I AM STILL ME JUST AS YOU ARE STILL YOU.* I STILL KNOW THE INFORMATION I KNEW BEFORE DPDR HIT ME. I took that entire exam feeling like it was fully in my subconscious, and that's because you're still there behind the shield. You just have to fight your way out. Show dpdr that you live here, and it can't move in. Nothing about your surrounding reality is different, its your good friend dpdr shoving its butt in your face thats making you see it so differently.

*There are certain things in life that are 100% out of our control. Shit will get in your way, there are days you will feel like the world is resting all of its garbage on your shoulders. But the things you CAN control are your REACTIONS to those parts that are out of your control. You are the only mother fucker in this world that is you. 7.5 billion and only one of you. Live with that attitude and understanding. You will be stronger on the other side of this experience. Reach out, take a deep breath, talk to someone close, talk to yourself for gods sake. Find the silver lining, find help, message me or comment if you would like me to elaborate on any symptoms, experiences etc. that I have run into along the way. I could go on for relatively ever on this topic. I am viewing my suffering as another mans solace.

Keep going,

I hope observing my thoughts will give someone hope.


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## MrsDon

Hi Everyone, Im a 36 year old female with derealisation/depersonalisaion which Ive had for 12 years 24/7 and I couldn't give a damn about it! I get on with my life, dp does not rule me! I've been married, given birth and lost my mother suddenly, Ive had my ups and downs...I go abroad every year, I eat super healthy, oily fish 3 times a week, broccoli, spinach, tomatoes, a punnet of blueberries everyday (Ive eaten blueberries everyday for 4 years! :razz: ,raspberries, bananas, blackberries, green tea, chamomile tea, ginseng tea, 2 litres of water and vitamin D, magnesium and B complex....I've eat this way for 4 years, I also exercise regulary and years ago I accepted the fact that this will not go away.

I think I've always been an anxious child, I have 3 brother and 3 sisters and we were neglected as children, my mother had mental health issues and my dad was a alcoholic...we all got separated and were put into care and the 3 youngest were adopted. I was put in care with my sister with the worst foster parents ever, he was a paedophile and the wife knew about it, My sister was mentally and sexually abused from the age of 10 till she left at 18 and I was abused from the ages 8-10 years old...we finally plucked up the courage to tell the police 3 years ago and it went to trial and he got found guilty and was put away for 13 years...I started to have a drinking problem when I was about 23, I got really anxious all the time and found that drinking helped with my problems, I was also obsessed with my heart beat, it would skip beats all the time and was pretty scary for me and was obsessed with checking in with myself on how I was feeling...after a year of drinking heavily I started having panic attacks when I was sober thinking I was going to die if I didn't have any alchol, this played havoc on my mind. I remember laying on the sofa before Christmas watching superman and all of sudden things didn't look real! It was so frightening I thought I had a brain tumour or something...a couple of years later I moved to another house and googled and came across dp/dr I was so relieved I wasn't the only person in the world who had this hell in the head! I started working in our local pub and one day I was pulling a pint and my hands didn't seem like mine...it was so bloody freaky! (It still happens to this day, but I just shake it off and tell myself they are my hands lol!). When I was 27, I'd had enough of being drunk (I'm sure you all know dp/dr and hangovers are the worst thing in the world! :???: ) I would normally drink as soon as I get up then all day, then do it again the next day...I was fed up of doing it so I sorted myself out and stopped!

I turned 36 on Sunday, yeah so what I have derealisation and yeah it does get me down and frustrated now and again but hey ho life goes on theres no point dwelling on it! I have a beautiful intelligent (and I mean really intelligent, I think he was born age 65 lol) I got married last year to my partner of 18 years and my life coudnt be happier! Another thing I have never told anyone about my condition, I think its hard for people to understand it unless you experience it, I told a doctor 10 years ago and all he said was 'are you on drugs!' and I think that scarred me for life to tell anyone.

Take care everyone....remember what the madhatter said in alice and wonderland...'I'm not mad, I just see the world differently from everyone else.'


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## donkeybrains

Had moments of DP/DR for a couple of months, was also very anxious and stressed out during those months. Ended up going through a stressful move, got sick with the flu. When I was feeling better I ended up having to go out and do lots of stuff and at one point in a crowded subway I felt a lot of depersonalization and sort of got really anxious and scared of it, since then I've had DP/DR and anxiety/panic that gets better and gets worse. I think one of the reasons I really got submerged into it so heavily is because when it first showed up I was really obsessive and scared of it, kept thinking I was going psychotic, sensitive to everything thinking I was going to start hallucinating. Slowly getting better, hopefully.


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## MysteryGirl

Hi.
Ummm...I've never done anything like this...
I mean actually talk to people on the internet about...well anything.
So here it goes...
I've been dealing with DPDR for about two and half years now. I've had anxiety problems my whole life so I've been able to deal with the anxiety part of DPDR. However, the way I see things, the way I think about things, the way I feel about things...it's unimaginablely hard to deal with. I have tried everything to get rid of it and for a while I felt like it might be going away. Except it got worse instead. I'm at the point where I feel like it'll never go away...and if it does...I don't know. I don't even remember what it feels like to be "normal". I fear that if or when I recover from this it'll feel like being "normal" isn't real either.
I pray every day that I'll wake up and it'll be gone.
I have these episodes where my vision gets all weird. For example, colours and shades. It's like the darks get darker and the brights get brighter. I know that doesn't make any sense. It's very hard to explain.
My emotions aren't right. The way I feel about people or things. An example of this is my boyfriend told me he thinks our rabbit is dying. I love my rabbit. Yet all I said was "So?" It's like I don't care.
There's times where I feel like I'm trapped in my own body...like a jack in a box...it makes me want to rip off my own skin but I can't. I feel like I'm in quicksand and the more I fight, the more I sink.
I'm lost.

I guess I'm not looking for anything...I just needed to vent...to feel like someone out there gets it...that someone cares...
So thanks.


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## fredbacon

Hello everyone.

I'm a 22-year-old female and I think my first symptoms of dr / dp started about ten years ago. Since then it has been some kind of up and down. I never had the feeling of not being myself or feeling disconnected of my body - it is just that I feel like every action I take and every sentence I make happens extremly far away, time-wise or location-wise. Which over all makes me totally apathetic and not able to feel closely related to people I really like or just any event that is about to happen. Also, my thoughts tend to appear like a story in a book, so narrating from the outside and using third person perspective.

There have always been better and worse times. I recently got back from a few months travels (by myself) through Asia and Australia. During the trip, I felt totally free. I think this is due to the fact, that all the time you are forced into new and maybe difficult situations; you can't overthink anything, you can't plan, you just let it go and deal with whatever happens to you. Also, one can satisfy whatever one needs at a time whenever it suits you. If I felt like having company, I just went outside, talked to people. If I wanted to spend some lazy day, I just went to the beach or for a walk. And so on. Immediately when I came back, it hit me like a punch in the face again; it's feeling worse than ever. Anything seems so surreal. I do have problems going out with others sometimes because I can't stand when it's to busy around me and I can't get a grip on the situation, feeling lost and reacting slow. I went back from feeling the moment to thinking all day long; not necessarily overthinking - I tend to just daydream a lot about anything (both good things, bad things). So I kinda know I need myself to stop thinking and start feeling in slow portions. But of course it's not that easy.

I never suffered from depression, never took any drugs (a drink once in a while, but on a moderate level) nor do I want to take medicines. If someone did experience something similar, I'd be happy to share your thoughts on the issues.


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## fredbacon

Hello everyone.

I'm a 22-year-old female and I think my first symptoms of dr / dp started about ten years ago. Since then it has been some kind of up and down. I never had the feeling of not being myself or feeling disconnected of my body - it is just that I feel like every action I take and every sentence I make happens extremly far away, time-wise or location-wise. Which over all makes me totally apathetic and not able to feel closely related to people I really like or just any event that is about to happen. Also, my thoughts tend to appear like a story in a book, so narrating from the outside and using third person perspective.

There have always been better and worse times. I recently got back from a few months travels (by myself) through Asia and Australia. During the trip, I felt totally free. I think this is due to the fact, that all the time you are forced into new and maybe difficult situations; you can't overthink anything, you can't plan, you just let it go and deal with whatever happens to you. Also, one can satisfy whatever one needs at a time whenever it suits you. If I felt like having company, I just went outside, talked to people. If I wanted to spend some lazy day, I just went to the beach or for a walk. And so on. Immediately when I came back, it hit me like a punch in the face again; it's feeling worse than ever. Anything seems so surreal. I do have problems going out with others sometimes because I can't stand when it's to busy around me and I can't get a grip on the situation, feeling lost and reacting slow. I went back from feeling the moment to thinking all day long; not necessarily overthinking - I tend to just daydream a lot about anything (both good things, bad things). So I kinda know I need myself to stop thinking and start feeling in slow portions. But of course it's not that easy.

I never suffered from depression, never took any drugs (a drink once in a while, but on a moderate level) nor do I want to take medicines. If someone did experience something similar, I'd be happy to share your thoughts on the issues.


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## Tumbleweed

Hi everyone, I'm Niamh, I have finally decided to turn to here after a while of knowing about this forum.
For me, if I am completely honest, I have had depersonalisation to some depth for many years now, yet it is something that has mostly crept up on me. I'm 16 and I remember as a child, feeling parts of my childhood weren't even real, which leads me to believe that my dp is pretty ancient. I didn't know what depersonalisation actually was until the beginning of last year, and what a relief that was. Finally it makes sense why I am so detached, and forgetful, and why everything feels so jumbled! It really shows in my everyday life, yet I can't just explain it to people. If I'm honest sometimes I'm okay with it. I try to ignore how I am constantly floating down corridors at school and how I can have a conversation with someone and be talking to them and listening to them, but have completely derailed in my mind. Sometimes it hits me like a tonne of bricks! I struggle sometimes to understand why this happens to me, after a completely normal childhood and a happy family, with no traumatic events. It makes me think am I just made to be this way? I haven't tried any treatments, I'd like to, I just think that's something I'll deal with when I'm an adult, if I still deal with this, but something tells me that if its stuck around for this long then it isn't going anywhere. Maybe that's the wrong attitude to have! This website has made me realise how I'm not alone in this and it is so refreshing. Thank you!!


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## bojito

Hello everyone,

I got here after researching the internet. I don't know whether I have a DP or whether I don't. These definitions always seemed to me very fragile and vague.

I will be grateful to tell you my story, and hear from anyone who has something to say about it.

so, here it is:

I'm turning 40 now. When I was in my adolescense I had a few years of experementing hallucinative drugs such as weed and L.S.D. I did quite a lot of that - about 4 years nonstop. At the age of 19, when I started to get anxiety and panic attacks I quit: they were consisted of an extreme feeling of detachment from the body and espeacially estrangment .for example: suddenly my head seemed so bloody strange to me, like it is resting there on the body which is hardly connected to it. I looked at people and was thinking: Jesus! this is so weird! they all look like some cartoon-like-distorted-sticks-with-a-round-object resting-on-it, and so I felt with my own body, which made me think obssesively about it while feeling estranged and exposed.

I recieved Clonezapan (clonex), and it helped actually. For 18 years. Till one day I went to a Viapasana retreat 0f 10 days, and then kind of got a "flashback"- returning to the same fear and same bodily sensations.

Since then, for two years now, this unberable feeling is not leaving me. I tried all kinds of therapy: Psychoanalasis, OCD therapy, guided imagination, acupancture etc., and recived all sorts of SSRI - none of them helped much.

To the sensations I described above I can add the following as well: I feel like I got outside of the automatic functioning of the body, of life, and that I live in an endless dream, very detached and alienated. Plus, I can sense that my memory has been affected.

Will appreciate anyone who can advise on the matter.

Peace,

David


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## 99880

bojito said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I got here after researching the internet. I don't know whether I have a DP or whether I don't. These definitions always seemed to me very fragile and vague.
> I will be grateful to tell you my story, and hear from anyone who has something to say about it.
> so, here it is:
> 
> I'm turning 40 now. When I was in my adolescense I had a few years of experementing hallucinative drugs such as weed and L.S.D. I did quite a lot of that - about 4 years nonstop. At the age of 19, when I started to get anxiety and panic attacks I quit: they were consisted of an extreme feeling of detachment from the body and espeacially estrangment .for example: suddenly my head seemed so bloody strange to me, like it is resting there on the body which is hardly connected to it. I looked at people and was thinking: Jesus! this is so weird! they all look like some cartoon-like-distorted-sticks-with-a-round-object resting-on-it, and so I felt with my own body, which made me think obssesively about it while feeling estranged and exposed.
> 
> I recieved Clonezapan (clonex), and it helped actually. For 18 years. Till one day I went to a Viapasana retreat 0f 10 days, and then kind of got a "flashback"- returning to the same fear and same bodily sensations.
> Since then, for two years now, this unberable feeling is not leaving me. I tried all kinds of therapy: Psychoanalasis, OCD therapy, guided imagination, acupancture etc., and recived all sorts of SSRI - none of them helped much.
> 
> To the sensations I described above I can add the following as well: I feel like I got outside of the automatic functioning of the body, of life, and that I live in an endless dream, very detached and alienated. Plus, I can sense that my memory has been affected.
> 
> Will appreciate anyone who can advise on the matter.
> Peace,
> David


With regard to the vipassana, posting a couple of links, they might be helpfu and enable contact with people who share similar experiences. Although you may have already seen these sites?

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/5978522?_19_redirect=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dharmaoverground.org%2Fdiscussion%2F-%2Fmessage_boards%2Fsearch%3F_19_redirect%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.dharmaoverground.org%252Fdiscussion%252F-%252Fmessage_boards%252Fmessage%252F5858475%253F_19_redirect%253Dhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.dharmaoverground.org%25252Fdiscussion%25252F-%25252Fmessage_boards%25252Fsearch%25253F_19_redirect%25253Dhttps%2525253A%2525252F%2525252Fwww.dharmaoverground.org%2525252Fdiscussion%2525252F-%2525252Fmessage_boards%2525252Fmessage%2525252F5792904%2525253F_19_redirect%2525253Dhttps%252525253A%252525252F%252525252Fwww.dharmaoverground.org%252525252Fdiscussion%252525252F-%252525252Fmessage_boards%252525252Fsearch%252525253F_19_redirect%252525253Dhttps%25252525253A%25252525252F%25252525252Fwww.dharmaoverground.org%25252525252Fdiscussion%25252525252F-%25252525252Fmessage_boards%25252525252Fmessage%25252525252F6531694%2525252526_19_keywords%252525253DWilloughby%252525252Bbritton%2525252526_19_formDate%252525253D1503140672211%2525252526_19_breadcrumbsCategoryId%252525253D0%2525252526_19_searchCategoryId%252525253D0%252526_19_keywords%25253DDark%25252Bnight%252526_19_formDate%25253D1503140918820%252526_19_breadcrumbsCategoryId%25253D0%252526_19_searchCategoryId%25253D0%26_19_keywords%3DDepersonalization%26_19_formDate%3D1503141689308%26_19_breadcrumbsCategoryId%3D0%26_19_searchCategoryId%3D0

Dr.Willoughby Britton is mentioned in the thread, her research into unusual and challenging experiences related to contemplative practice is very interesting, so I'm posting a link to the cheetah house Facebook page. The cheetah house website was useful for people who experienced difficulties with meditation, it has been down for a while but the Facebook page provides some useful links, caution is necessary as some of the material may cause distress. For anyone with an interest in links between dissociation and meditation, the 10% happier podcast is worth listening to, but I think it's only available for a few more days.

https://www.facebook.com/Cheetah-House-108383069235890/


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## sloopnoob

So I don't know if I have dp or not so that's why i came here. Anyways my history - I started smoking 1 and a half year ago and quit after 4 months 2 August 2016 to be exact and since then I starte eating nicotine gums. Initially 3 a day then 4 then 6 then 10 . 10 fuckin gums with 4mg nicotine each so 10x4=40mg nicotine everyday and 3 days ago I quit eating those and since then I have a feeling in my head like I'm high or intoxicated or something. So I thought it was normal for a person trying to quit nicotine and someone told me it isn't normal it depersonalization and I came here.


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## Phantasm

Nicotine withdrawal can feel like a sort of dp/dr in my experience. It's a very vague feeling, but can feel strange. Nicotine gives the system a sort of chemical shock, which is the stimulant effect, which is followed by a kind of nervous fatigue, which is like an aftershock. It's a harmless sensation which wears off as your body adjusts. It might take a week or so before you feel better. In the meantime to counter the blues you could try some supplements like 5-htp or St John's Wort, drink lots of water and exercise. (Nicotine is flushed out the body in urine).


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## plsrplato

Mine started while i was working a few months ago. I have very bad social anxiety so work is hard as hell for me(i work as a food delivery driver). Anyway i had a delivery in a big apartment building so i went up and knocked on the guys door. He answered and asked for changed and as i was looking through my money i got a very weird feeling and started feeling dizzy and kinda lost balance. it felt like i was really high but i didnt smoke or do anything. i managed to get him his money back and got the hell out of there. as i left i had a panic attack and had to sit in my car for a while. i made up some excuse saying my car broke down or something. that feeling only lasted 2 hours and i started feeling kinda normal again. then the next day the same feeling occured but only foralittle bit, i noticed that as i was driving my arm didnt feel attacked to my body and it didnt feel like i was actually steering/driving the car.i managed. day after that, i felt it as soon as i woke up and it hasnt gone since. i went to my doctor but had trouble explaining it, i didnt really know what depersonalization was at the time so i just said i felt dizzy and light headed. he said it was just anxiety and prescribed me xanax. now im kinda used to it and the symptoms fluctuate and i manage to an extent but i wish it would go away already.


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## lizbeth

I have had this since my teens -- I'm now 27. I was very unhappy when I was young and experienced massive amount of anxiety that weren't understood or believed. I had problems with confidence and sense of self that I didn't know how to deal with. I hated my existence and found daily stuff so hard and just started to detach. It's pretty much chronic. I always just saw it as an extension of my anxiety disorder diagnoses and didn't realise how much extra damage it was doing. I feel unable to focus and just deatched from my body somehow. My 'self' feels not fully formed and not 'anchored' in my body. Often I feel like there's some kind of paralysis going on and my movement is hard to control sometimes. Talking to people just feels so unnatural and I feel like I'm on a different plane, kind of. like I'm just trying to drag my body around but there's no one there. It's so hard to stop thinking about because there's something really weird going on with your functioning.


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## jessica mayhall

hi. i am a 30 year old woman struggling with PTSD, depersonalisation, sleeping problems and memory problems. I had a major panic attack at work four years ago due to stress, came out of the office, collapsed against the wall and just felt the world was combusting. Ive not felty myself since and cant piece myself back together again. I struggle on a secondly basis with horrible thoughts, feeling trapped in my mind and unable to escape. I really wanted to be a mother and a partner and I'm scared this won't happen for me now. I feel out of control and horrible and like my personality has been taken away from me. Im really struggling to cope. i don't really understand what happened and I'm scared.


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## Marquis

Well I'm 19 years old and I started smoking in the beginning of 2017 and pretty much smoked marijuana everyday and the amounts varied all the time but I have a girlfriend who suffers from anxiety and depression on a more serious scale. I was always having to comfort her when she would have panic attacks but anyways recently on February 5th 2018 I smoked half a blunt for my first time after 2 weeks and I had this overwhelming high and things became unreal and my hearing was very strange and different then my memory became extremely horrible I was forgetting the past sentence that I was talking about with my friend who smoked with me and I felt so overwhelmed and detached from the world and I felt like I was sincerely going to die but my friend was perfectly fine. I wasn't making any sense when I was talking because I was over thinking literally anything and everything and I called my parents and I had to sleep on it but I took a break from smoking and I had this constant fog in my head and everything looked funny and sort of unreal for 3 weeks it progressively got better but then yesterday February 27th 2018 I took the smallest hit and the same exact thing happened the same intense feeling of unrealness like out of body experience and an intense panic attack like I was going to die and my memory was just horrible forgetting the past sentence I was talking about and eventually it subsided but now I'm laying in bed feeling that unrealness and anxiety again but yeah that's my story are there any natural remedies I could do to help me feel "present" sooner rather than later? Or is it kind of a waiting game from here?


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## Phantasm

Magnesium is good. There's also supplements with a combination of magnesium, zinc and vit B6 (often called ZMA) which members have recommended. L- theanine can help calm you. If you have depression, St John's wort or 5-HTP.


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## YourBoyJDV

So I have been dealing with DP since last year. It started last year in February and stopped near the end of July. I was able to go into town somewhat, hangout with friends, but was scared to get a job because I had to be away from my immediate family since I spend a lot of time with them. I started noticing symptoms of separation anxiety little by little. Until my family went on a trip to Tennessee and I would be left home alone. I felt super weird as if I was supposed to be with them and I wasn’t really at home. I felt like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be, even tho I was exactly where I needed to be. It caused me to have a huge panic attack and triggered my DP again. I have been dealing with DP since last December now. Every time my family goes out of town I get really bad anxiety, when I go outside everything feels different and dream like, and I isolate myself in the house. Another thing is I have been having vivid dreams of places I have been to in the past and it feels like I can’t tell the difference of reality and my dream when I go to these places. I find that really odd.... but when I go outside I feel like everything is different and like it’s a whole different place. Even tho I been living here for 9 years. I just need some pointers on ways to ground myself, coping skills, and things that will help remind myself I’m actually in reality and not a dream. Sorry about the long post haha.


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## msmoon84

I am new to the forum. I am 33 and have had anxiety for as long as I can remember. Most of the time it is just a consistent, uncomfortable feeling. I rarely have panic attacks. Today was my second day at a new job. I haven't worked in about 2 and a half years. I work at a convenience store. I was anxious before work but it subsided once I got there. 2 hours passed and all was going well. The store got very busy and it was my first time on the register. I suddenly started to feel out of body. Everything seemed distorted. When I or a customer spoke, what was said would repeat in my mind minutes later. I would compare the feeling to a trip on LSD, which I tried once and absolutely hated it as a teenager. It was the scariest feeling. I felt like I wasn't in control of myself. Every time a customer spoke, I had to ask them to repeat it several times. I tried to suck it up and hope that it would go away. An hour passed and it still didn't. I went to my boss and told her that I had to leave. I walked home and 2 hours later I am still feeling like I am in the middle of a terrible acid trip. This is the scariest feeling ever. I know that it has happened before but never this intense and I am fearful that it will return. The boss told me that I was doing great and that I could come back on Monday when it will not be as hectic to try again. I have the option to quit if "it's not for me." I have no idea of what to do. This is a terrible feeling!


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## TiredAndExhausted

mine started fullblown in late summer 2014 after experiencing OCD 2 Whole months, it bothered me with classical symptoms for a year and more, I was on medications and even though i no longer really feel like the world is unreal or I'm forgetting people I wish I did cause now my mind is a confusing excruciating bordering hell of non-sense questions and doubts and fear I get almost every minute about my deepest sense of self, way of see life, things, etc.. sometimes I don't even know what is exactly that bothers me or makes me panic, when I got ocd and dp/dr intrusive thoughts it was horrible but at least I could put a name and a definition on what is that I feared, I could find specific comfort and solutions eventually. Now no. It's like there's a huge abstract web that my mind puts on and uses to tie all what's fundamentally wrong with me and my existence, I know its' hard to comprehend, I can't comprehend myself.. sometimes I really think I turned schizophrenic


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## a2gutkow

I've recently been told I have depersonalization disorder. I'm 31, female, and FINALLY understand what the F was happening to me all these years. When I was little (5-10), I used to have these moments at school and on Sunday mornings (when my mom was still sleeping and I was watching morning cartoons) where I suddenly felt completely detached from my body, from my surroundings, from my mom - I felt like a complete stranger... like everyone I knew was a stranger and I was just visiting from some other planet. I hated the feeling and all I wanted was to shed my skin and disappear... As I grew older, I would get these moments when I was hanging out with my best friend... where she suddenly felt like a total stranger and laughing with her or singing in her car or looking her in the eyes felt uncomfortable because I felt completely detached from her and our relationship. She'd always say "snap out of it!" but I didn't know how to snap out of it... still don't. For the most part, I'm super social and very functional. I'm not in a constant state of "DP" but when it comes, it's the worst feeling ever... makes me feel sick in my body and environment.... I feel like the memories I have are not mine... Like they were installed like the way you'd program a computer. I never talked or explored these feelings until recently, and I feel like i've made so much progress just knowing that there is a "name" for this and that other people have these thoughts as well. The thing is, I don't think I have high anxiety and I haven't suffered from anything super traumatic (or at least I don't think I've been heavily affected by a particular event in my life). I was always a space cadet as a kid and I guess that has followed me into adulthood. I'm starting regular therapy soon, but I'm not too optimistic about it.


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## jayy21

Hello everyone, I am just coming across this website and I am sad to say I’m a little relieved that I am not the only one with these symptoms. Also my heart hurts for everyone else, I wouldn’t wish depersonalization disorder upon anyone. I have dealt with this for about 3 years now. I am a 20 year old female and have diagnosed myself with this disorder. I have gone to one therapist and two psychiatrists and all of them just look at me like I’m crazy and dismiss everything that I say, saying it’s “not possible for you to feel this way. Interesting” I get no help and my symptoms get worse, nobody ever understands. For 3 years now I have not felt like I’m here, it’s maddening. I haven’t had one single second where I’ve felt like I’m here since then and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Nobody understands or can help me and it’s making me lose hope. I can’t enjoy things, I feel like my cognitive skills are lowering. My brain doesn’t work the way it should, even having conversations with people feels like a chore. I never know what to say, I’ve always been a shy person so you could only imagine how these symptoms make it worse for me trying to socialize. I have a boyfriend now who is the biggest blessing and sympathizes with me about these symptoms and I feel as though God sent him to me to help get me through this. But again, he can only help so much. I feel as though my time is running out because I feel crazier every single day. I feel like I’m dying and just want an escape. If anyone has any coping skills or has been prescribed any medication that seems to help even the slightest bit, PLEASE let me know. I am desperate. Thank you for listening, God bless


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## ballislife

hey guys! new here. im not even sure if i should be posting this message on this specific category..

but basically ive been on this site for quite some time but only now have i registered and posting because i need advice and help only people who are going through the same thing as i am can offer...

so ive had dpdr just last december. Ive always felt it since before when i got my anxiety disorder. im 19 now and it has become so bad and i am also depressed because its just so exhasuting. so i got dpdr because i smoked weed and i got the worst panic attack of my life. i felt like i went crazy and thought i just lost my mind. then the dpdr just got bad from there and im sure you guys have heard that story before. i manage it with things like exercise and spending time with my family and friends. but it just really gets to me at night.... like when im alone in bed with my thoughts i just find it so scary to sleep and feel weird ass sensations when i close my eyes or when i drift off to sleep. its horrifying cause when im espeically tired, is when the dpdr is so intense.

so now i just have this question : ive been drinking alot lately because when im drunk my dpdr seems to go away (it just comes when i have a hangover the next day and i feel like shit) but when i sleep, its just so calming and i dont have the dpdr so i got used to falling asleep drunk and right now i havent drank in 2 days and the sleep i had last night was horrifying because i ended up sleeping at 5am cause of the dpdr i was feeling.. and now i dont know if i should just drink enough to help me sleep. my therapy appointment is still in 4 days so im just trying to find ways to endure the next few days until i meet with my therapist and get prescribed some meds. should i just drink? or is it not the answer?

sorry for the long post guys. here if you need anytjhing or if you want to talk. all the best


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## Chip1021

ballislife said:


> hey guys! new here. im not even sure if i should be posting this message on this specific category..
> 
> but basically ive been on this site for quite some time but only now have i registered and posting because i need advice and help only people who are going through the same thing as i am can offer...
> 
> so ive had dpdr just last december. Ive always felt it since before when i got my anxiety disorder. im 19 now and it has become so bad and i am also depressed because its just so exhasuting. so i got dpdr because i smoked weed and i got the worst panic attack of my life. i felt like i went crazy and thought i just lost my mind. then the dpdr just got bad from there and im sure you guys have heard that story before. i manage it with things like exercise and spending time with my family and friends. but it just really gets to me at night.... like when im alone in bed with my thoughts i just find it so scary to sleep and feel weird ass sensations when i close my eyes or when i drift off to sleep. its horrifying cause when im espeically tired, is when the dpdr is so intense.
> 
> so now i just have this question : ive been drinking alot lately because when im drunk my dpdr seems to go away (it just comes when i have a hangover the next day and i feel like shit) but when i sleep, its just so calming and i dont have the dpdr so i got used to falling asleep drunk and right now i havent drank in 2 days and the sleep i had last night was horrifying because i ended up sleeping at 5am cause of the dpdr i was feeling.. and now i dont know if i should just drink enough to help me sleep. my therapy appointment is still in 4 days so im just trying to find ways to endure the next few days until i meet with my therapist and get prescribed some meds. should i just drink? or is it not the answer?
> 
> sorry for the long post guys. here if you need anytjhing or if you want to talk. all the best


Hi!

If you want people to respond to your issue in detail, I would recommend creating your own post in the "discussion" section.

But while I'm here, I'll just say that I'm not one of those "drinking is not the answer" moralizers. If it calms you and allows you to sleep peacefully and you aren't driving or being violent towards people then I say go ahead and do what makes you comfortable.


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## Mowkus

I was 19 around last year when I had a terrible panic attack. I was having issues with somber and existential thoughts for a few days and stopped smoking weed to see if that was the issue (I was very anxiety ridden as a kid and my parents had many issues, also my sister suffers from borderline personality disorder). It carried on and I realised it wasn't being high that was the problem, it was me. This sent me into a panic attacks and I remember calling my friends asking if they experienced these thoughts, none of them did. We did meet up the next day and they helped me as one of my good friends suffered from psychosis for 2 years and explained ways to push me through my symptoms. I spent time drawing, breathing and talking to people.

Fast forward 2 weeks of me watching The Adventures of Tintin alone in my room continuously terrified I finally got a job and went out more, ate and started working out again. This was horrible as I decided it was time to move on I got more anxiety from tall buildings and wide flat spaces.

After forcing myself out and doing things I don't want to I've found I have become far more confident, I haven't yet defeated my phobia of heights but someday I know I will. I still suffer existential thoughts and very mild panic attacks but I have learnt to brave through them.

I currently work, go to uni and have a great social life. My friends know of my dp and understand which is great. I am hoping to one day go back on a plane as this is one of my fears, wish me luck


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## Violetvi

Hey, i am new here and i wanted to tell my experience. 
I am 17 and my derealization and depersonalization started in November after being prescribed Focalin xr - A adhd medication. I was never prescribed before for it . I started to take it and every day became worse. First i had head aches and strong pressure and then after a week i became really aggressive and i couldn't sit in place.i also had my heart race so fast. People told me to ignore it and that i would get used to it within two to three weeks. Before the panic attack that started it all i was on the medication and took it pretty late in the day because i had to study for a test and to be focused. After a few hours i started to have super head pressure and ache and i decided to sleep when the med was still active and i slept only few hours. In the morning i felt really sick but i ignored it and went to drink coffee. I came to school and i just started crying and feeling like i am going to pass out or die ,it was horrible. Since that day life was terrible. And i was really depressed and scared and obsessed with every little thing that is happening to me. It was intense and really hard for me ,constant feel of DR AND DP only like 4 months ago or 3 i started to get back a little by little to my old self but I'm still suffering . Especially before a period .


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## GnarlyOtter

Hey there.
I am new to this, so I apolpgize if I am over sharing at all.
I haven't really talked about my story yet, still working weekly to get it out in talk therapy. 
My therapist thinks my DR is from PTSD, depression, anxiety, and head trauma.

I have always had depression and anxiety, but with the loss of my boyfriend's brother and father in the past year, things have gotten worse. I became paranoid that he was going to do something, or break something. His anger has gotten worse and worse. I am always on edge and stressed out.

The feeling started 5 months ago. I ate a pot brownie (I never smoke and the brownies didn't have any affect on my boyfriend) Every time I blinked it was like I was looking at myself from outside, and then I would come back to. I was stuck inside this loop of thoughts. "I Don't feel real" I couldn't remember who I was, or where. Just terrified that this is what my life is. I became so dizzy that I passed out on the bathroom floor.

Ever since then life has been a haze. I have moments where I am okay, but then I feel my heart sink and start to dive into that constant thought again. "I feel unreal" "How do I normally feel? Is this how I always feel"

I have bad days where my mind starts to go back into the looped thoughts, but my boyfriend's suggested I hold onto a lion ring, focus on it and the details, touch it. Focus. It helps bring me out of the loops.

We believe his anger might be a trigger as well, when he gets angry and yells at things It sends me into panic mode and I start to get worse.
I also had a fall about a year ago, where I tripped over a trailer hitch and got my head on the left temple. I had a really gnarly concussion, 3 CAT scans over the year say nothing is wrong. But that headache always comes back, so maybe that plays into it as well.

So far, my doctor and therapist are stumped.
I am currently on Prozac, in hopes that treating my depression and anxiety will make me feel normal again.
Also, my therapist is having me do more physical/artistic hobbies, limiting my time on electronics, she says that drawing and coloring can be a good way to feel connected and real. So far it has been helpful.


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## forestx5

I was seeking intoxication from cannabis at age 17. Shortly after smoking 2 joints with several friends, I felt a jerking movement in my abdomen, in conjunction with a jabbing pain. A smoky sensation rose through my abdomen into my chest. It caused my heart to beat wildly and I felt a sensation of impending doom. The sensation rose through my neck and into my head and caused a generalized tingling. The tingling coalesced at the left front of my head. The right side of my head felt normal, while the left side was cold and numb, as if a line had been drawn down the center of my head. My vision began to frame, as if I was seeing the world as a slide show. The tingling moved slowly to the left rear of my head. I felt a tensing for 4 or 5 seconds, and then a powerful electric shock went through my head. My vision zoomed as if I were looking through binoculars from the wrong end. Things appeared as if at the end of a long tunnel. The shocks and zooming of vision continued at intervals of 5 seconds for about 3 minutes. When it was over, I became very ill and my perception of myself and my environment was permanently changed. Fast forward 38 years. I am researching British neurological texts and medical journals and I find case histories that match my exact experience. They explain that a worse case scenario is that an abdominal aura begets a temporal lobe seizure and the post ictal trauma segues into a major depressive disorder. I had experienced about 35 epileptic discharges in 3 minutes time. It left my brain in shambles. There it is. My life story. I had survived 4 or 5 episodes of major depression in my life. I had several severe panic attacks every year of my life. I suffered ocular migraines and acquired a head tremor following the event at age 17. I experienced OCD,Dp/Dr, racing thoughs and the smorgasboard of psychiatric symptoms. I identified my panic attacks as focal temporal lobe seizures. My EEGs are typical of someone with a history of epileptic seizure. In hindsight, I now understand my life and what I went through. I had ECT in 2013 and I do not believe I will suffer another major depressive episode. I feel well and have no symptoms save the occasional ocular migraine.


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## lol

it first started when I smoked with my friend, I had a huge panic attack and was screaming. I had mad anxiety, my brother told me it was just because I was high but a few days after I felt like I was a in a dream when I wasn’t high and I felt like my best friend was fading away or something like that. It started happening regularly and getting worse. I couldn’t sleep or do anything I wanted to anymore. I have anxiety about everything now and I can’t focus. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. DP has changed me a lot. I’ve had it for a few months and being searching for a recovery but haven’t found anything yet. pls lmk if you have any suggestion other than “it will pass”


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## smallbean

(Trigger Warning: Suicide)

My DP was triggered after I went through a series of traumatic events all within 2 years time. My mother took her own life in August 2016, the day after my grandmother passed away. My mom suffered from Bipolar II disorder for my entire life, and my childhood also consisted of multiple traumas regarding previous suicide attempts of hers, etc. I've always been the type to suppress negative emotions- such as grief, anger, sadness, etc.- so I didn't properly deal with my grief or the loss of my mom. It wasn't until late in 2017- end of November- that I had a series of 3 car accidents within 6 weeks time and all of those bottled emotions surfaced. Two of the car accidents were minor- just got side-swept by someone and also rear ended- but after the second car accident I knew *something* was wrong... but I had no idea what. I was incredibly jumpy, easy to startle and just felt extremely anxious and like I was on high-alert at all times. Now I know I was showing symptoms of PTSD (although my therapist thinks it's more likely CPTSD because of my childhood history).

I had also smoked some weed one night (I had been a habitual smoker before all of this but I'd NEVER experienced paranoia, anxiety or any DP/DR symptoms after smoking- it had always been an anxiety reliever for me personally) and for the first time ever I felt my heart racing. I've never paid much attention to my heart rate but it was really making me anxious how fast I could feel it beating. I worked myself up so much about it- thinking I was going to die or have a heart attack- that I had a full on anxiety attack (my first one ever) and spent the entire night unable to move or concentrate on anything other than how anxious and awful I felt. After that anxiety attack, everything else fell apart. I immediately lost all of my emotions. This was one of the first symptoms of DP for me, but I had no idea what I was dealing with. I had trouble focusing on anything other than how scared and uneasy I felt, ungrounded and like something horrible was going to happen any minute. I used to seek solace in my thoughts- as an only child I've always been fond of daydreaming and I've always felt like my thoughts and my head were an escape from reality- but they turned to a living hell. I lost all ability to daydream, to imagine the future or a world where I didn't feel so weird all the time. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew I was definitely dealing with something that I'd never dealt with before.

Nothing seemed to matter to me- I lost all sense of my goals and my personality. I couldn't tell what I liked and disliked because I had no emotions or preferences to go off of. All of the things I previously loved doing brought me absolutely no joy and I couldn't ever be present enough to do them anyway. I thought I was going crazy. It took me a long time and a LOT of googling before I realized whatever I was dealing with was connected to my trauma somehow- the weed had just been the catalyst for the volcanic eruption of anxiety and emotions that my body didn't know how to deal with. So, it just shut down. And I've been this way for almost 9 months now. I'm in a chronic state of DP- I never get seconds, let alone days, where I'm able to feel like a real human being. I just feel incredibly detached all of the time. I have a ton of intrusive thoughts about my relationship, my friendships and my life because my mind is trying to so hard to gain some type of control over my situation.

I currently see a therapist who specializes in trauma and did her dissertation on CPTSD. She treats many clients with DP/DR disorder and I've tried some EMDR therapy but I didn't notice any differences with it- most likely because I'm too detached to process any trauma as I'm unable to emotionally connect to my trauma. I can talk about it without feeling sadness or anger and when I cry it's more intellectual than emotional. I don't feel sad and then cry, I cry in therapy and then realize I must be sad because I'm crying- even though I don't feel the sadness or the grief.

Anyway, that's my (very long, I know, I"m sorry!) story of how everything started. Thanks for reading this novel of a post


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## felixthecat

Hi, 22 year old female. I have a wonderful boyfriend, family, friends, and I feel so stuck. 
About two months ago, i went to a vacation house with a group of close friends. We all took a type of LSD we had never had before, and everybody was essentially losing it. Thankfully, we all were fine the next day. Reality felt a little off, but nothing I couldnt handle. That feeling shortly went away.
It all came to a head one night when my boyfriend had a fit of rage. He's ex army, PTSD. I've seen this happen with him before, but for some reason this night was different. Maybe because we were both drunk and hes dealing with a lot in his life.

Since that night, everything has felt off. Like I'm living in a simulation. Dreams feel like reality, reality feels like a dream, and everything feels too real all the time. I dont recognize myself in a mirror. When im having a conversation with someone, I don't know how I'm talking. I dont know how im typing this right now.

My doctor prescribed me 0.5mg Xanax to combat the anxiety. It works, and it helps to combat the racing thoughts. Everything still feels off but it feels less off until the Xanax wears off.
Monday, he prescribed me Lexapro 20mg. I took it and felt immediately wrong. Heart palpitations, sweating, muscles tensing, tremors, nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to everything. Like i had taken bad ecstasy. It got to the point where I almost went to the ER to have my stomach pumped. It took around 6 hours for me to stop feeling those effects, but two days later I can feel it made the dp worse. I'm back on the Xanax now, thank God, but all I want is to feel normal and go back to being me.


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## Mdmathis

kchendrix said:


> I can remember being in highschool working at a gas station and saying to a buddy ,, i just don' t feel like I'm Me.
> 
> Now I managed not to have that feeling for a long time. Until now. But now I am obsessed it seems. How to break free. I can think, I can see, I can hear I can drive, I know my name, I know my parents, I know where they live, I know my wifes name and birthday, I know my social security number... All things point to I am in reality and I know where I am . But why do I get these weird thoughts like Your not real... I am not myself.... Thoughts shouldn't scare me but they do.
> 
> They say Im not crazy but then what is this. Stuck inside my head not living like I once did with fun and sense of humor.. This grew out of anxiety and now it is as if I can't find myself....I keep hoping when I go to bed at night I will wake up and my oldself will be back. What is this stuff.
> 
> My story is I am a father, a grandfather, a friend , but I don't feel like the person I once did.. I want to get back to my life again. Where is the door, where is the key.


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## Mdmathis

Dude this is exactly how i feel....it amazes me that so many people share my same story. It started from smoking weed and freaking out. I knew weed had something to do with why i felt this way. Crazy


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## forestx5

An unseasonably warm December evening in 1971 found me on the corner church steps smoking cannabis with a brother and some friends. I was seeking to get high on weed for the 1st time. I aggressively shared 2 joints, probably +6 or 8 strong hits. A few minutes later found me daydreaming on the steps when I felt a jab of pain and a strange movement of my stomach.

I stood to examine myself, and a hot smoky blossom appeared in my abdomen and slowly rose into my chest. It was accompanied by an overwhelming sensation of impending doom. It startled me. Then I remembered having smoked the weed, and I thought "this must be the rush". I engaged some others in conversation to distract myself from my anxiety, but my voice

sounded as if it were emanating from a few feet away. The sensation travelled into my head, which became cold and numb on the left side only. A mass of tingling gathered in the left front of my head. Meantime, my vision became erratic. It was pulsing slowly as if I were watching a slide show. It was getting really scary for me. I decided to walk up the street with a friend to

meet another friend who worked at the corner gas station. By the time I got there, I was fighting for consciousness. I felt like I was being waterboarded and my slide show was slowing down. I made some excuse to return to the church steps and I walked into the alley behind the gas station. The tingles in my head slowly marched to the left rear of my head and I

felt a tensing sensation there. The tensing continued for 4 or 5 seconds, then it exploded in an electrical shock that convulsed my mind, and caused my vision to tunnel drastically for about one second. Then, the tensing began again and the cycle of tensing, shock, and tunneling vision repeated. So, every 5 or 6 seconds, I felt the tensing, shock, and tunneling. After walking

3 city blocks, the shocks stopped. I would never be the same. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks. I became agoraphobic. My perception of self and environment were altered. I was very ill. I lost my emotions. I lost my personality. I developed a head tremor. I began to experience ocular migraine headaches. I had a ghostly pallor. I could no longer connect with my mirror image.

7 weeks later, I was still ill and my mother, who worked as a nurses aid at the local hospital, got advice from a nurse friend who suggested I get an EEG. I did, and I was very anxious to hear the results. I never saw the neurologist that I remember. My mother got the report and she said " your EEG is normal with one lead off". I said "WTF does that mean, mom?"

She starts crying and begging me "not to crack up on her" because the medical expenses are too much and my great depression born and raised abusive dad had reached his limit with me. OK. I sucked it up. I joined the military and did 3 years of frequent "spells" and ocular migraines. I did 35 more years of episodes of major depression, "spells", and ocular migraines.

At some point, I saw a neurologist for myself. He identified my visual symptoms as ocular migraines. It was a relief to know they had a name. He told me US neurology had "bigger fish to fry". He mentions that the British have done more research in that area. OK. 20 years later, I am still researching for the answer to the riddle of my life. WTF happened to me when I was 17? Why do I feel like I died on a December night in 1971?

Somehow I find myself googling on the internet and I find some British neurological texts and medical journals. There is a case history of someone who is epileptic. His temporal lobe seizures begin with something called an "epigastric" or abdominal aura. It is a seizure that introduces the larger temporal lobe seizure. It typically starts with a jabbing pain and movement of the stomach. It is

followed by a smoky blossom that rises through the chest and is accompanied by a sensation of doom. Holy fucking Jeesus! 38 years of suffering and I've found it! It goes on to explain that a worst case scenario is when the "post ictal" psychosis segues into the serious mental illness of affective disorder. (major depression or manic depression). I read on and on and

everything I experienced is described in great detail. It even explains how difficult it can be to diagnose this disorder if the seizures do not result in loss of consciousness. So I find a neurologist who specializes in epilepsy and I email her and ask if she can help me. She agrees. I have an MRI and an EEG. I meet to discuss the results of my EEG. She starts by stating

that my EEG shows significant pathology that is consistent with someone with a history of epileptic seizure. And I say, well after all, I have had a lead off to my (left) dominant temporal lobe for 38 years. She is amazed that I understand all this.

Fast forward to 2014. I'm in another episode of major depression. This is my 5th and I have been on the couch for most of the year. I think I have finally reached the end of my rope. I drive to the nearest Veterans hospital and talk to a few resident psychiatrists. They can see my dilemma. I'm in worse shape than I think. They TDO me and lock me up for the weekend.

Monday I go home. I think about it. Tuesday, I go back and tell them I quit. Do whatever you have to do. I'm done. I get 2 weeks of grand mal seizures (ECT) and am released. My depression lifts. It doesn't just lift. I'm soaring. I have never felt so alive. I have no more "spells". My head tremor is almost unnoticeable. I still have occasional ocular migraines

that I can manage. I'm 63 going on 25.


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## star_cheese

forestx5 It's nice to hear a success story. Your lifted depression with your struggle is encouraging to hear. Your specific experiences are appreciated, thank you for describing your experience in vivid detail.


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## rosemaryreborn

Hi I'm Eli.

For me it all started after and "almost" overdose on MDMA about a month and a half ago. After the initial 8-day comedown from the drug (in which i experienced severe depersonalization, anxiety and depression) I actually felt 100% fine. I was back to firing on all cylinders and felt great for a week and a half. After lifting particularly heavy and hurting my back (powerlifting) I began to feel fogginess in my head, which felt a lot like being in that "MDMA comedown/depersonalized" state. So naturally I began to slowly worry that it had come back, eventually after 2 and a half days of feeling the fogginess/depersonalization I broke and had a panic attack when I felt I didn't know where I was when I was taking a shower. That attack was 3 weeks ago now and I've felt increasingly anxious and depersonalized ever since. Its lead to me going on an SSRI (Escitalopram/Lexapro) which has only exasperated the depersonalization (I feel very high, numb and super disconnected from my body and even thoughts on the Lexapro) so I've decided to quit taking it after just 3 days. I'm havingg trouble sleeping due to my anxieties about "losing my mind" and "going crazy, I'm getting dementia/psychosis" and particularly tonight: "I've completely lost myself, who am I? How did I lose my old self? I've completely lost it".

Sorry for the long post. I'm sure you all feel my frustration and worry with this.

Much love and support to all on this forum


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## Justjthom

Pretty much all day questioning/obsessing whether I'm in a dream, or simulation or if anything and everyone are real


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## IDK

I had DP last year, but today [ I woke up due to buzzing ] night i had really strange experience, I felt like my brain was buzzing with its full potential [ it cant go further ] , like all neurons are firing at same time, it was painless and i thought if i go further with this buzzzing i will see something strange and i immedialtely stopped that buzzing , during the time of buzzing i remember moving up my hands but the hands went up in slow motion or i was little paralysed.


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## catlover19

I'm new to this forum, hi! I'm 18 years old, female. I've been, in my eyes, privileged in life. I live in a house (a run down one, but better than nothing). I go to a pretty okay public school; there are some "bad" kids, but the magnet program I'm in is pretty isolated. I've been accepted to some great Universities and am receiving almost full financial aid because my dad doesn't make much money. I've always been told I'm attractive, and I've done modeling before. I've experienced some minor bullying, but in general, people are nice to me. I can be shy sometimes. In most senses, I've lived a pretty average, conventional, American teen life. Stuff at home isn't always the best, I have a mom who is often emotionally and used to be physically abusive to my twin and I. But my dad has always been there to help us handle it. Everything is normal, from an outside perspective. But in my head, I am going crazy.

Since I was little, I had minor episodes of what I now realize to be depersonalization. I would be doing mundane task, such as tying my shoe, or putting butter on toast, and I would feel as if i entered a different dimension of living. But these feelings never lasted more than half a minute. Recently, I got into smoking pot; the wax version; very strong. At first, I enjoyed it, it made me feel weird, in a good way, and I felt much more relaxed and carefree. I also tried edibles. The first time I took some, I ended up falling asleep before it could even fully kick in, so I didn't experience the full effect. But, a month or so after I started really, heavily smoking and getting stoned, I started feeling as if I was going crazy. I think the first time, I was in a choir rehearsal, and as we were standing and practicing, the lights and sounds i was hearing became extremely overwhelming. I felt like I was on the verge of the panic attack. I wasn't high at the time. During our break, I called my dad, who deeply understands what I'm going through (he has experienced depersonalization as well) and he helped me calm down. The next time this happened, I was at an early practice for my swim team. It was 6:00 am, dark, and we were preparing to run a mile on the football track as a warm-up. The fluorescent lights were on, and I told my coach I wasn't feeling great. She told me just to walk a few laps, not run. As I was walking, everything felt artificial. I started tearing up, and cried a little, but quickly stopped because i didn't want my teammates or coach to worry. I came up with the notion that the weed I was smoking had triggered schizophrenia, and i freaked out a bit. I, again, was not high at that time. Yesterday night, I took an edible before going with my mom to help sell concessions for my school's musical. At first, I was okay, everything just seemed more lively and colorful. But, then I felt like I was going to pass out. I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet, put eyedrops in and tried to relax my breathing. Everything looked fake and not real. I called my dad and asked him to pick me up. Ten minutes later, I called him again, telling him I took an edible and was having a panic attack. He talked me through it as I paced in front of the auditorium, trying not to freak out. Everything was so scary. I felt like an alien, in a sense. When I looked at my mom, she didn't even look like a human to me. It's not that I was hallucinating, but it felt as if any sense of reality I ever had was gone. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I started to convince myself that what i was experiencing was what "hell" feels like. It's the morning after right now, and I still feel disconnected as hell. I'm very good at hiding this feeling, I had a conversation with my mom this morning and to her, I seemed normal. I hate this feeling so much. Everything I've done for the past few months havent felt real. I feel as if nothing is tangible, and I'm scared I'm never going to feel the way I felt before this ever again. I've always been scared of the fact that I'll never fully understand the meaning of life or why all of this world exists, and now it feels as if that fear as matriculated into a greater reality, where that's the only thing I can focus on. I might start going back to temple. I've never considered myself a religious person, but I think I need something to ground me. I've often been told by people I know that they rely on religion because it makes them feel like there is a greater meaning in life, and that as humans, it's not their responsibility to know what that meaning is, and that they should just enjoy life. I'm hoping that talking to a Rabbi might help me, but I'm not sure. Just a word of advice; if you have ever experienced feelings of depersonalization or dissociation, even on a minute level, weed can make it 10000 times worse. Last night was definitely the worst experience of my life, I would rather be physically tortured than ever feel that way again. I'm so scared that this feeling is going to last and that I'm permanently messed up. I'm trying to distract myself with other things, such as writing this long, badly written 'essay'. Also, I only heard of the term depersonalization this morning when I was researching stuff. I read a few posts and quickly realized that this was exactly what I was experiencing. It's so hard to put this feeling into words, and what I've written doesn't do it justice at all. But, seeing that there are other people who experience this is the most comforting thing I've experienced in a long, long time. I'm glad I'm not alone.


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## morgie476

I developed Depersonalization when I was a senior in high school and now I am a sophomore in college. It was the scariest thing I have ever dealt with in my life, but now I am fully recovered. All you can do to cure DP is going to your doctor and figuring out what works for being able to treat the chemical imbalance being experienced in the brain. I went on anxiety medication 25 mg of Zoloft and it literally made it almost go away after like three months, but in all I had DP for about a year 24/7 but you learn to live with it and adapt. It is really hard at first but it definetly goes away, for some it takes longer than others. There is no magic cure for DP other than TIME. Time is the only thing that will cure it and treatment of anxiety because that's why the brain checks out in the first place. DP really affected my my life socially, at work, at school, everything! I couldn't eat or sleep and I always felt like I wasn't inside my body and when I looked into the mirror I didn't recognize who I saw. I don't know the onset or reason about why I developed DP but it could have been a cluster or things. The most important thing is to getI treatment as soon as possible because otherwise you will be miserable and possibly suicidal like myself. On the bright side, it does subside slowly. The first step is treatment of choice whether it be counseling or medication. GET HELP, there is hope! I am now 19 and don't need medication anymore and I finally feel normal again. Stay positive!


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## SyrhWolf

hello, i am 18 and i was wondering if someone could help me and tell me if what i have is dp/dr. first i’ll give some back story. on new year’s eve just gone i made a drunken mistake of smoking some weed with my friends, i had done it before, quite a lot in the past when i was around 15 years of age so i thought would be ok. i don’t remember much from the night but i remember smoking one joint between 3 of us and at first i was okay as of course when you’re high you just kind of zone out on things and i was just staring at the floor for god knows how flipping long. but all of a sudden i became aware of how heavy my chest was feeling and i had this weird feeling in my head and i started to have what i think was a mild panic attack as i thought i was going to die and i’ve always had an insane fear of death which i probably should have gotten help for a very long time ago. but after this panic attack was over i managed to calm down and had some energy drink, cried because i was still scared i was going to die and then hopped in an uber home. and when i got home i was just saying to myself ‘just got to sleep Kodi you’ll be fine’ i was saying to sleep as a couple months prior to december last year my friends gave me an edible and didn’t tell me and i was freaking out about dying then and i just slept it off and felt fine the next morning no dp/dr at all. but i woke up the next morning and things just felt very off, but i was still quite connected at this point and now 4 months later it has only gotten worse as time has passed. my main symptoms are, no sense of time, i feel unreal, the people and the world around me seem to be unreal, i can’t imagine how everyone else around me is seeing things but i also obsess over how others see things which probably keeps this thing around, i never really feel hunger much i just know that i’m supposed to eat at certain times, my body feels very light almost empty but it also does not feel like it belongs to me like i know it’s my body but it doesn’t feel like it’s mine if that makes any sense at all lol. i have an intense fear that i am dead as when i see simple thins such as the date for example today it’s 27.4.19 (4.27.19 for my american people) it doesn’t seem real i still feel stuck in 2018 also the overwhelming feeling of unreality also doesn’t help this death feeling. the things i did earlier on today, or last week or the past few months ever since i got this do not feel like they actually happened and i just really cannot connect with any of my memories of this ‘year’ so far. every couple of weeks the feeling of dp/dr will calm down and i begin to think i’m on the road to recovery and i focus on it less but then after a couple of days it just all comes right back again and i can’t seem to stop this from happening. i have an appointment with a psychologist next month and they’re going to try some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) with me but does anyone else have any advice and or think this is dp/dr or anything else. you can snapchat me or message me or reply on here  kodi_evans


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## AlannahRose

* This forum is the closest thing i can find to what is happening to me. While i do have bouts of Depersonalization, where i don't feel like I'm me, or anyone really. I'm just a shadow, a vibration constantly humming. I also experience other forms of dissociations. My psychotherapist has diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. It shares a lot of the same characteristics of Bipolar disorder, except the main difference is the dissociation. I experience Dissociative amnesia and fugue states. I did a bunch of research and found a few cases like mine. The most unsettling thing is that most cases are only diagnosed after a major episode. Several people i read about had just walked out of their lives. They later turn up elsewhere, sometimes a few towns away, sometimes in different states, months, even years later, living life completely unaware of their old lives until the episode suddenly stops and they're incredibly shell shocked to not be where they remember, who they remember being, with the people they love. These episodes are usually what brings in the official diagnosis of Dissociative fugue and amnesia.*

* That's how I was diagnosed. In 2015 I had a secondary traumatic experience related to my rape trauma in 2011. This secondary experience set me off into an episode and it wasn't until February 2019 that i came out of my fugue with 4 years of nothing. No memory of four *years *of my life.*. *Id taken a bus to Canada at one point, booked a cruise to the Bahamas, cheated on my husband, abandoned all my friends. I came back to a bomb shell. Nothing was the way it used to be. I have a different job, i live with my parents again, my husband divorced me, my best friend left me, I tried to commit suicide three times in two months while i was in the fugue. Id been hospitalized for 6 months from trying to overdose on sleeping pills. I remember absolutely none of it.*

* Its terrifying, and now that I've been diagnosed I'm noticing all the small depersonalizations. The auto pilot, the haze, the driving to work and not remembering it, working and not knowing what I'm doing but doing it right somehow. The feeling like the world is off slightly. It made me think about my life. I've always thought i just had a horrible horrible memory. But what if I've been having a series of dissociative fugues?*

* Its not like suddenly waking up. I noticed that one day in a therapy session i tried to think about my life and I couldn't recall almost anything since i got married. I remember my sisters wedding September 2015. But that's where it gets hazy and then blacks out. Now its like someone slowly raised the lighting in the room. I'm lucid for the first time in a very long time and its debilitating. Right after that therapy session I tried to see my husband, Ex-husband. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was scared and confused. I went "home" and had a huge panic attack which i had to use xanax to control. Every night I'd cry myself to sleep, every morning I'd stare at the ceiling trying to make myself leave my bed. Its gotten a little easier. I drew out a timeline with the help of Facebook, Tumblr and chat histories. Nothing I found jogged any memory at all. Now every time i start to depersonalize, or dissociate in anyway I get scared I'll never snap out of it.*

* I could have died. I could have killed myself in that fugue. I don't remember those feelings. I've got major depression, but I've never actually acted on my suicidal thoughts. I try not to let that sit on my mind too much. I try to focus on living now and not pining for the past. But its so hard. I was happy. We were happy. Now its crumbled and slipped through my fingers like sand.*

*If anyone here has ever had a dissociative fugue or experienced dissociative **amnesia, please message me. I need to talk to someone who has gone through this.*


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## Connorrrr19

Hi my name is Connor and I have Depersonalization or derealization as they call it. I'm looking for anybody on here that goes through a simlar experience to that which I go through. It can be hard to describe to someone what it's like who does not experience it on a day to day basis like I do. Does anyone ever feel like all the do is walk about life is a kinda dream like state? so to speak That you can't distinguish reality from non reality. Does anyone ever feel like anxiety is the main cause of their daily functioning? Does anyone feel or experience a totally detachment or disconnect from your body like your somehow looking at your hands through a kinda spectator gaze as if someone else might look at them? This is what I experience constantly and it feels like I'm alone and an alien to myself and to others around me. Sometimes around others I go can into default mode and not be able to get words out and then completely detach not remembering what I'm going to say. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own voice. On top of everything, I just don't feel like I belong here in the world no more. I'm scared to go out and walk to the local corner shop. I'm scared to do anything. To the outside world I look fine people tell me because o try my best to appear normal but I'm anything but normal on the inside. Please tell me there's someone out their on this site that goes through this simlar kind of experience on a daily basis. Please tell me that I'm not alone. I also have smoked weed and other stuff ever since I can remember. 14 was when I started all the way up to now,I'm now 19 turning on 20. I think this may have a big part to play though I have went through experiences in my life that have caused this also maybe though I can't say for sure. I'm reaching out here, someone please say I'm not alone. Thank you.


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## PainIsTheName

im not sure where it started from yet unfortunately


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