# Relapse, from dreams



## ph10 (Nov 24, 2012)

I now know what complete recovery feels like. I spent an entire week there and it felt like heaven. Everything was so fun again, I was immersed, involved, and enjoying life more than I ever had.

Then, out of nowhere, my brain decided to fuck me over again. I don't know what happened, but after a week being fully recovered, I had an absolutely horrific nightmare. In the dream, there were many things (rather meaningless) going on, but every minute or so, I would randomly hallucinate (or otherwise see) a strange, ghoulish face. I could tell, even in the dream, that it had been generated from my own mind. Because the terror was coming from my own mind, I couldn't escape it no matter where I went. I finally woke up, screaming and thrashing around in bed, expecting someone to come for me and help me. No one did after several minutes. And then I woke up again, this time to reality. I was unmoving and silent, but terrified nonetheless.

As I lay awake the next several hours, I realized what this dream was. It was a metaphor for the DP that I'd had the past four months. I had closed it inside me, silently suffering while I appeared fine to the outside world, unable to escape it through anything because it was within my mind entirely. No one could help me. That's what the dream had meant.

I went back to sleep, and woke up feeling rather shaken, but fine. Then over the next 5 days, DP came crashing back because I'd started obsessively analyze my own mind again (OCD I guess). And now I'm back in the same hopeless state I was before. The week I spent recovered feels like a distant memory. I'm back to square one.


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## DP boy (Mar 20, 2012)

gow long did you have it to begin with


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## SamodrotAgressivoDrot (Nov 16, 2011)

that is most probably not OCD.. OCD is a separate diagnosis, and this is just an obsessive defence mechanism of unconscious mind


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## Justinian585 (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear that man. I can relate though. Something similar happened to me over the past few weeks. You may have read my post "feeling amazing the past few days" or something along those lines. I had about 2 weeks of near recovery. I got everything back. I felt amazing. Over the past few days however, everything has slowly gone back to the way it was during the dead of Winter and then I had a bad DP flare up a few hours ago. I was just sitting there doing nothing but thinking. My mind started to dwell on my DP and I got this thought like "holy shit, I've been in a state of mental illness and complete detachment from my real life for the past FOUR MONTHS." I just started realizing how crazy it is. How unimaginable and unpredictable of a journey this has been. It scared me to be honest. It's a roller coaster ride...


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## ph10 (Nov 24, 2012)

That was the exact thought process that brought me back to DP. It was gradual, but reality was kind of a shock. Comprehending that i'd been absent for so long was scary in general, and that obsession was what seemed to bring DP crashing back to where it is now. I think I'm still on the mend though. I can get totally distracted and immersed for a good 35% of the day and feel little in the way of symptoms. Also existential thoughts are almost entirely gone.

I'm keeping my head up!


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## Justinian585 (Dec 4, 2012)

Yeah man. Since I talked to you a few months back I've noticed that our cases of DP seem to be very similar. I watched your newest video and it felt like you were telling my story haha. Oh well. The fact that we have experienced moments of recovery is proof that we'll conquer this. Good luck!


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## ph10 (Nov 24, 2012)

Yeah man, it feels like we've been kind of paralleling each other the whole time. We both have seemed to improve and decline at the same times and stuff. Kinda cool. Hopefully soon we'll both be out of this for good. And thanks for watching my videos!


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## kayseas95 (Feb 25, 2013)

This happened to me about 3 days ago but it wasn't a bad dream, DP just found a way to get into my head again, but every night now everything is normal but all day i can't really pull myself out of it. i know what full recovery feels like too I had a week of 100% (almost) recovery but i fell back, it's just that you have to have the strength of mind to pull yourself out of those states


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