# TEN YEARS WITH DP/DR



## alexoco (Mar 1, 2010)

I believe I have been suffering from derealisation/depersonalisation disorder for ten years now.

In April 2000, I took one and a half Ecstasy tablets on a night out in Liverpool. This was the first time I had done anything like this before. I experienced the feeling of being 'loved up' at the time. The following morning I awoke and knew instantly that something was wrong. The world I was viewing was distinctly behind a 'glass window'. I tried to convince myself that it was the alcohol I had consumed and it was purely due to a lack of sleep and I would 'snap' out of it later that day. However, deep down I did not believe this - something was definitely not right. Thoughts of "what have I gone and done to myself!?" and "was this going to stay with me for the rest of my life, because of one drug taking mistake!?", were flying around my head.
For the next four weeks I could not shift this glass window and my mind was all over the place with regret, guilt and anxiety. I eventually broke down and told my mum what I had done. I thought this could be the catalyst for the 'glass window' to disappear. It was not - since that time I have constantly been viewing the world as if it were on television and I was not really a part of it. On rare occasions throughout the last ten years I do snap out of the derealisation for a few seconds and I feel I can touch things again and see things how I used to see them&#8230;as if I were truly in reality. It is these moments that remind me how I used to see things.

In the first few years I went to see a couple of GP's and counsellors. They labelled me with 'depression' and talked about my life history and what troubles may have contributed to the way I was feeling. I was put on anti-depressants too, although I do not believe the drugs helped me at all. I was never a person who did not enjoy life, I just wanted rid of this glass window and things would be back to normal. The constant thoughts of regret and negative feelings however did spiral into such dark dark feelings which are difficult to explain. Thoughts about the meaning of life were (and still are to a good extent) constantly on my mind. I believe this core thought and feeling overlaps in to many other thoughts. I became emotionally numb almost, because I was telling myself that things were not real (this was reinforced with my physical reality). Thoughts about what we are and why we are here were no longer interesting points for discussion but incredibly frightening unknowns.
Many of my friends and family cannot believe that I have not properly addressed this. Yes, I have been to see doctors and counsellors, but I have got so used to adopting a front of normality that I find it so difficult to say something is wrong and that I need help. Again, I fall back in to the view that, "things aren't real anyway so how can you help yourself!?"
My experiences of trying to get help in the past have definitely hindered me furthering the search for a treatment that could better me. Whilst it sounds like I am divulging in a bit of a sob story for myself, it truly has been a number of inadequate diagnoses and a lack of belief about how bad I actually do feel. I have been to two separate doctors in Ireland over the past couple of years. Unfortunately, these have not been pleasant experiences with a lack of belief and time on their part. They have brushed me off with a 'quick fix' of anti-depressants without properly evaluating my situation. I have not had the strength to fight my corner and get through to them. I do realise I may not have helped myself by putting on this 'normal' front&#8230;which I have become an expert at.

Current symptoms are: 
Constant glass window/leading life through a film (this has been going on for nine years without a minutes break - I cannot tell people how horrendous this makes me feel) 
Emotional Numbness ("things aren't real so why let them get to you" type of attitude) 
Memory loss 
Not being able to shift negative thoughts. 
Anxiety - world's going to end type of feeling (I have had some dreams which give me this feeling too) 
Constant thoughts about unreality and the meaning of life.

However, my sleeping and eating habits are usually perfectly normal. I am good in social situations and have plenty of friends. As mentioned, I believe I do live a 'normal' well rounded life. I realise I do need to address my 'head' once and for all. I cannot let this feeling go on for any longer so I would be very grateful for any advice or comments people could offer to me.

I do want to get better but need some guidance and help.

First time I have been on this site...so completely new!


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

I hope this will help... download file:

http://www.freedrive.com/file/1085790


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## Sarasi3 (Mar 4, 2010)

hello, i have had consistant DP for more than eight years and am also a new to this website. i have found this website to be very informative and helpfull so far.
i am not the best at expressing myself as i have low concerntration and motivation, but i have come accross some very interesting, inspiring and informative posts. one of wich really stood out as the best post i have read so far, and i believe many other users here might benefit from this:

*****what follows is just the introduction to the post. i beleive that it is important to also read this introduction as it will inspire you to open your mind for the next link. plus its a good story!







after you read what follows, the actual article/post i am writing about needs to be viewed here:

http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/18932-feeling-90-better-after-4-years-heres-how/

INTRODUCTION:
So here is my story: 4 years ago as a younger teen i smoked weed and got very high. I remember the next day I saw one of my friends, about 16 hours after I smoked i saw one of my friends and remember saying to him, "haha dude i smoked last night and im still high!" Well 4 years later, after seeing psychiatrists, getting MRI'S and many other scans that all of course told me I am healthy, I am sitting here and before you and if i was writing this yesterday morning i would be telling you that i have not had even 1 second of a clear world and have no hope at all. I have contemplated suicide, and have made decisions I normally wouldn't have, have lost friends and not made new ones simply because I didnt have the drive to do anything. The terrible thing about DP/DR is you have no drive to do anything so it is very difficult for you to get up and get help, and of course that in itself makes your DP worse, it is an endless cycle.

BUT LAST NIGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED. Last night i read the forum about somebody who has recovered 90% http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/18932-feeling-90-better-after-4-years-heres-how/ and this has changed my life.

It was late last night and I was laying in bed with the laptop, I decided I needed some hope so I came to the recovery section. I read in detail every word that this gentleman posted and was for the first time filled with hope. I shut off my laptop and layed in bed with my mind thinking positive thoughts and really taking DP/DR head on and saying to myself that I can do it. I thought of all the great things in my life and apologized to myself for any extra trouble that i have caused. I looked at all my blessings and said to myself that my brain is ready to come out of its shell. During all of this my entire body was warm and tingly and my heart began racing. I looked around my room and began feeling maybe 10% more real at times, sometimes a bit more and and sometimes i bit less. This in itself made my feelings more intense and i felt almost as thought stress was being lifted and i was a light feather on my bed. Some doubts would creep into my mind but i would try and fight them. I was scared that if i got out of bed and broke my train of thought i would snap into complete DP/DR again. But after about 20 minutes of my body tingling and my heart racing I was feeling very good, so I opened my eyes and looked at my door, it felt so real. I got up out of bed, opened the door and looked down the hallway. What I saw made my knees shake and my breath stop. I saw the hallway almost without DP, I saw it like i used to as a kid. I ran into the other room and saw my cat laying down, and what happened next was the pinnacle of my last 4 years. I walked over to him and petted him, (We got this cat after i became DP'd so i never got to know him.) I reached out my hand and began petting him and without a doubt in my mind, it was the realest thing I have ever done, it felt realer than the sex i have had, realer than that first kiss on a date with a beautiful girl, I was at the time 80% better, for those moments. I felt my cat, I was there with my cat. I my knees shook and i dropped down to my knees, arms over my face, crying of happiness.

I am now awake in bed the next morning and although I am not feeling 80% better I do feel better than I ever have after just waking up and I am ready to begin on my road to recovery. You will recover, anyone can recover. Accept yourself for who you are, love yourself, you are amazing!

******** thats the end of the intro article! pretty good story







before you take a look at the best article ive read on this site (see link above), i would like to add my two cents:

-research depersonalisation so that you are fully aware of the condition. once you have done this, you will be more likely to accept some of the the real reasons why you have DP. also, it will reieve some of your anxieites about whether this is 'normal', what is actually happening to you, and why it hasnt gotten better yet.

-be good to yourself, be proud of yourself, have confidence about who you are, your past and your future. anxiety is the cause of most DP whether drug induced or not. If you are rid of the anxiety, the sympoms (DP etc) will start to vanish along with it.

-if you have trouble with gaining confidence or you feel like nothing on this website has helped you, you might benefit from seeing a psychologist. a psychologist that is trained in cognitive behaivioural therapy, not just a councellor. someone who knows about DP and anxiety dissorders, and how the mind works. someone who can help you understand why you feel DP and anxiety, and can help you build your confidence. sometimes things become too complicated and entangled in our minds it can be very difficult to untangle many of your thought processes and habits on your own.

good luck!


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## Sarasi3 (Mar 4, 2010)

Hello Nix, thank you so much for the file you posted! i have started to read this and so-far it is very helpfull!


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## nix (Feb 27, 2010)

25yo said:


> Hello Nix, thank you so much for the file you posted! i have started to read this and so-far it is very helpfull!


You're welcome!
I think that book must be available to every person on this forum.


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## Daphne (Apr 16, 2010)

Hello,
I'm not a native english speaker, so please don't mind my mistakes! 
I've taken Ecstasy (to be exact - it was crystalline MDMA) aboout 9 months ago and got DP. It started not as suddenly, but about 1 1/2 months later, wehn I was in another city and feeling a little bit alone and lost, it became really, really bad. I think I'm recovering slowly, but still have the fear, I'm never giong to loose it completely.
Have you tried to understand your condition as a defense? I mean, that you might have repressed something and the ecstasy brought it out of your subconscious? And it was to much for you to cope with this, so you got the DP?
Did you have any conflicts before, especially with your parents? I was emotionally an physically maltreated and I think that predisposited me for the DP.
I try to get out of DP by confronting me with my traumas in therapy and I feel already a lot of relief.
Take care, Daphne


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