# Scare of existance/ hyperawareness "HUGE TRIGGER WARNING"



## Helen_m (Dec 11, 2017)

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Hello my dear people!
I do not even know where to start from. First of all, sorry for my English, I am not a native-speaker. But I will try my best to express what I feel. And what I actually feel is a TOTAL darkest HELL, where I got to the deepest. Every letter and every word is typed with much difficulty. I am typing right now absolutely exhausted, total fatigue. And have a feeling that at any moment I will fall dead. I am writing here without any hope, although maybe there are some in the depths of my soul.
I'm 24 girl from Ukraine and I've severely suffered from dp/dr 2 years ago. There were the same tortures, same thoughts and same symptoms, and I thought that I would burn in the HELL for eternity. But day by day time has passed, and I recovered somehow, and was in remission for 2 years. Right now I don't believe even that I was "healthy". Right away now it seems to me that I have come out of self-deception and see life as "what it is". Something like "enlightenment," something that I can not UNknow and UNbelieve...something that I can not forget. And the most scary as if I even "don't want to UNknow'&#8230;.Ughhh its totally freaking me out.

My symptoms: I do not know whether person I am, or the devil, but I'm afraid of life itself. My thoughts are so obsessive that I become afraid of thoughts themselves, and I try to stop them, although this is not possible. I'm stuck in my head, in existence, in the "first-person view." I ask "how could I ever think it's normal to be in a first person"?

I realize that I can not stop living. I am stuck in life, I am forced to live somehow and can not "UNlive" or "UNexist" . I even got to the point where I am sure that suicide will not help, because I'm immortal.

I act like a solipsist who has never been born and will never die, and creates pointless useless reality around me by my own mind. Or even a bored, unconscious God who comes up with an existence, and creates Universe around me for fun. Like what the h&#8230;..? Therefore, the option of suicide is useless. I understand that I can not cease to exist, that suicide can stop my existance. These are not just thoughts, the scariest things that " I believe it's true".

I also have the feeling of "chosenness". Perhaps I was born and chosen, to tell to people "the great mystery of life," and this scares me. Or even I am SOMETHING unknown that I can not explain to myself....
The very concept of "feeling better" is frightening for me, I sort of "do not want to recover" . Like I feel like I NEED to die , but I CANT phyically. As if an irreversible process of destroying ME, the universe, existance of all beings has started and will not ever stop.

It is impossible to describe everything in words. I also read much of the pessimistic philosophy of Sartre and Schopenhauer, and I CAN NOT disagree with them. This is so depressing (((
I'm in a vicious circle. I kind of want to be born again and at the same time I do not want anything. This is a total hopeless hell.

I'm an Orthodox Christian, and lately I pray to God. Sometimes I ask for death.
Recently, sleep was a small respite in suffering, but now it helps so so little.
Benzodiazepines do not help anymore, because I do not feel anxiety anymore, it's just only full futility of my life and FEAR, the fear that my state can get worse, although it cannot be worse than now. I will soon try citalopram, but have no big hopes.
I do not know why I am writing here&#8230;.maybe if I am not creating all of you in my head and somebody suffers the same way as me, this message will encourage them&#8230;That you are not alone in these sufferings. That you are not "chosen" or something&#8230;

As for me&#8230;.I don't even know if I have a hope for recovery&#8230;.
Peace to all of you, sufferers and strong people!


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## 106473 (Feb 7, 2017)

"like "enlightenment," something that I can not UNknow and UNbelieve"

"read much of the pessimistic philosophy of Sartre and Schopenhauer,"

It seems that as well as these above, you also are really deep in this loop and getting deeper as you don't want to end this and feel the need to go deeper, believing illogical fallacy. This is not your fault.

I've got to be honest and say this seems deeper than just anxiety. I honestly mean this a nice way, but it sounds like you are having paranoid delusions.

"I do not know whether person I am, or the devil"

"suicide will not help, because I'm immortal"

"feeling of "chosenness"

"I understand that I can not cease to exist, that suicide can stop my existence"

""do not want to recover" . Like I feel like I NEED to die , but I CANT physically"

None of these are true.

Please tell your doctor and get help.


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## Helen_m (Dec 11, 2017)

CK1 said:


> "like "enlightenment," something that I can not UNknow and UNbelieve"
> 
> "read much of the pessimistic philosophy of Sartre and Schopenhauer,"
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for responding me! I didn't even hope for an answer.

Yes, I agree that these sounds like paranoid delusions. But how I see it: this feeling is veeeery very subjective. Seems like my mind wants to reassure me: I can observe and experience anybody's death, except mine. Like "how can I experience my own death?" or like "how can I know that I am dead"? THIS is the most scariest thing and it makes me paralizaed to the point that I can not function. I totally live (trapped) in my head.

I think it is connected with my solipsisctic vision right now, and I can not get out of this loop. And like nobody can persuade me that I am telling paranoid things...

I admit that I have moments of getting more attached to reality, but they fade away as soon as I get back to dp/dr thoughts. So I made a conclusion for myself that my biggest problem is this HYPER awareness and unability to escape from myself. It's also interesting when I read someone who has totally same symptoms, and it does not bring me any relief as I am still being reminded of my ownexistence while reading topics...Omg, its an endless visious circle. But I want to emphasize that all this feeling is very very subjective and that is why I feel totally helpless in front of this problem.

Is there any cure for somebody who does not want to exist and does not want to suicide....?


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## nocturnalman (Nov 15, 2017)

Hi Helen ,

When you wake up ,straight away ,without immediately thinking about your condition ,do you have thoughts that scare you and create other thoughts that dont seem to end ?
I would say no.And what does that tell you ? This is your default state of mind ,this is your mind without thoughts accompanied with anxiety.
So once you start the day ,thoughts come up again and you start to stress out and become anxious.A big part of DP is OCD.My advice to you is dont read about philosophy.People like us who are sensitive dont like being given ideas without 100% certainty behind them.I mean what is a philospher ? He is just a human being like us ,what he or she assumes is what comes out of their minds ,it doesnt change anything about existence and life.
Look outside at the sun ,at sunset it will start to go and at sunrise it will come up ,this is certainty.The world outside of our awareness is always there ,life is not inside our minds.Our minds create thoughts based on our experiences with the environment and what we learned while aging.Some so called philosophers would want to make you believe that your brain is the creator of everything which is complete bullshit.Dont be afraid of your thoughts ,without thinking you would be a robot not a human.Dp is a conidition of anxiety that makes you interpret thoughts always with a negative feeling.Try to ignore what makes you anxious and do things that calm you ,for example a long walk in the forest.


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## zigman (Dec 31, 2017)

I feel the same way as you do, stuck in first person, stuck in life and I start to fear life itself, and also I'm in a country called Lithuania, it's not far from Ukraine. My english is not the best either but I try to describe it with various words. Good luck with dp and stay strong! You're not alone at all


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## Jpl89 (Jan 6, 2018)

Helen,

Youre story gave me chills because it is so similar to mine. The whole thing about enlightenment, and being jn hell, and being afraid to even think. Ive been living with serious DPD for 13 years and Ive even had to go to a mental hospital.

Let me ask you a question... didnt the buddha achieve enlightenment? And after doing so, didnt he decide to come back and teach other people how to attain it? So if he achieved enlightenment, and left nirvana to help others, i think its safe to say that other people do truly exist and even the world exists.


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## Glassjawx (Oct 30, 2013)

I'm shaken to my core by your words. Everything you wrote is dead-on to what I've gone through. The presence of Hell. The Devil. The hideous and complete loss of life or mind. Your approach toward death. I have no words besides the only comforting words there are, and maybe the only words that truly matter in life, and ones I feel I can say because your words resonate so deeply : I love you. I'm here, as are others.


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## Glassjawx (Oct 30, 2013)

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## Glassjawx (Oct 30, 2013)

I've posted about being stuck in first person as well. I thought I was the only one


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## Helen_m (Dec 11, 2017)

Oh. My. God, you guys. I can not believe my eyes! So many of you, and are you all real??! Lol
I literally FEEL your love and support. I'm soooo thankful for every message, every word of support! I did not expect that so many people will answer me.
Today we celebrate an Orthodox Christmas, and this day is very special for me also, because today I can share the joy with each of you!
How everyone of you feels today? What about me, I dont know. I just keep on living. Sometimes I live through a verygood day without torturing thoughts, sometimes I just exist. I know that there is no other choice, and I just keep on living.
I've also been prescribed stronger benzodiazepines. In Ukraine it is diazepam. I do not know how they are called in your country, BUT! This thing really helps!!! I take 1/2 or 1/4 of a pill and miraculously it alleviates my anxiety to a bearable level. Also I made a conclusion to myself that the root of our problem is some kind of inconceivable anxiety. THIS is what really generates this state, although sometimes it may seem that this is something else, something more about it...and it's not just a simple anxiety. I would like to better examine the very nature of this mysterious and evil anxiety itself, but the fact that we were born super-anxious and super-sensitive people is an IMPORTANT fact.
I promise to myself and to all of you that after my recovery I will definitely write my story to here and I will try my best to help each of you, who will turn to me for help or advice. I do not want to make premature conclusions, but I ALREADY FEEL MUCH BETTER. And experience from my past 2 years tells me that everything may be okay with time.
I came to the conclusion (my heart came to the conclusion) that reality is a) real b) not simply exists. I know that we've been created by someone. For example, Buddhism answers the question of how to attain enlightenment and * disappear * from existence. But for me this philosophy does not answer the question of " Who created our world, our reality and our minds." I believe that behind all of this is a real Creator, and perheps he sends us this hellish experience and sufferings for something. Maybe in order that we change ourselves and our lifes. Anyway, I will not impose my religious point of view on you. Each of us has a choice to believe or not to believe. 
Please, let me know how each of you feels today, write here as much as possible if you can. I will be very happy!
Love to all of you.


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## Helen_m (Dec 11, 2017)

Glassjawx said:


> I've posted about being stuck in first person as well. I thought I was the only one


Hi, friend! How do you feel today? I see that you started long ago. 2013 year?
How is your life for today?
I really feel each of your word and I support you and love you as well


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## zigman (Dec 31, 2017)

Just living, suffering from some suicidal thoughts like if the world was ending right now I wouldn't be sad and I would be happy that I'll finally get some rest, that's how a couple of months lately have been - waiting for rest. But I'm holding up good, school is complicated but I manage! And how are you doing?
P.S I had and have DP for 4-5 not full years


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## Helen_m (Dec 11, 2017)

Hello everyone! In my previous post I promised that after a while I will be back here and share with you my actual state and my ways of coping with this hellish DP/DR.

First I want to tell you that I am 95% recovered! After more that half a year I am totally shocked and surprised to tell the words that seemed to be unthinkable that time...I AM RRECOVERED. I am telling you, I almost totally gave up, my life was more like a survival day by day...I was 99% sure that my death is following me every moment or even that I am already dead. I was depressed, tired, agonized...Seemed that there was no light in the end of a tunnel for me.

But here we are, 12 of June and I see the light around me. I can smile, I can see loving and caring poeple around me and I can enjoy every single day of my life.

Of course, there are some things that still bother me. Like, what is life for, who created us etc....But they are on the background of my everyday life and do not touch or bother me in that hellish DP-way like it was not so long ago.

I met a good guy, who gives me lots of positive emotions, who brings sunshine into my life. He is like a huge antidepressant pill that I want to take everyday several times a day....So this was a significant part of my therapy and way to healing. Good relationships is a way to distract your thoughts and emotions to something positive. That is my conclusion. Positiveness is a key to everything. You should remember that thousand of people suffer much more than you. Nevertheless they do not give up and continue appreciating every single day that is given to them.

You should give youself time. Believe me, even if the sufferings are unbearable ( like in my case, you can read in my original post), you should not give up! You should accept that we are all mortal and sooner or later it will happen. So why rushing events?? Aren't you interested what will happen in the future with this crazy world? 

Now about pills. I was prescribed antidepressants by my psyhiatrist, and I swear I took one or two pills and stopped as I was magically getting better))))

Another thing - benzos, we have diazepam ( or fenozepam) here. This thing really helps, but you must consult with your doctor before taking them, plus you will not buy them without prescription. I took them in the moments of total despair and went to sleep. It helped a lot to survive a day.

To be honest, there are some problems that still remain. Maybe somebody will have some advice or opinion

I still have much fear in different spheres of my life. Like I have a fear of changing my work, starting my own business or smth...I am very indecisive and lazy in some way )) Shame to tell this, but that is true...I am also depentent from peoples judgments, I always afraid to tell or do something stupid. I hope you understand what I mean. ALso I tend to compare myself to outher girls, and unfortunately not in my favor.

Would be so grateful if somebody shares his stories..

I hope that I helped someone who will read this, and sorry for my awkward English, not my mother-tongue.

Guys, hope to hear from you soon.


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## spectator162 (Dec 26, 2017)

Hello helen its really good to hear that people are recovering! I have dpdr for about 6years or longer, I dont remember because everyday its like im another person. I dont remember who I was the other days because I dont now who I am what I like, its like I dont excist I have no soul. I have so many thoughts that are changing everyday in my head. Im never sure about anything. I have chronic dpdr and it never goes away, so im not connected to what I see and with people, myself. Im friendly and naif against everbody because its like everybody is the same. I have so many thoughts about life existance whats the point of everything. My focus is really bad and memory to. When I talk to people I cant connect with them and dont understand what they are saying. Then im getting totally blocked and feel really bad in my stomach. I never feel calm even when I sleep. I almost lost 10 kg this year, I think from the tensions. Im scared of life and very sensitive ex, sounds, lights, conflicts, judgments. I totally understand you with being afraid to tell something to people. Now thats the bad part. The good part is that now im litlle better then 2 mounths ago. Where I couldnt do anything then cry and have big pannick attacks. My depression is 40 procent better but all the other symptons stays the same. Now I go outside again and do sometimes things. Watersport helps me to change my ideas. I just dont know what the point of doing things and life is. I try to not think about it and do things but im so robotic because of the dpdr that its really difficult. I really hope evrybody here gets better. Its strange because like you said in youre first post I also think sometimes that I dont want to get better, because I dont know who I am and what I supose to do and every discision I make is such a big task. Sorry for the mess im writing... what anti depresser are you taking that made you better? Im on sertraline 100mg


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