# DP: Realized at age 22.



## Guest (Oct 13, 2006)

The last few times I have smoked, I have lost it. I monitor everything about myself and what is happening around me, but I cannot react with it. Everybody usually leaves me alone until I am able to get up, grab my keys, and leave. I don't give an explanation because I can't.

My history of DP goes back to early, early childhood. I've only recently recognized it. One case instance that I think a lot about is one time when I was about 7. I had this dream that woke up with me. I was playing baseball with my minor A team and I couldn't catch a popfly because the ball was too big for me to grasp. There's no describing it. I woke up and I felt...crushed or like I was standing outside of something that I could neither handle or accept. It didn't just suck. It was horrifying. There was nothing to hold me. It was weird and very surreal experience that I still get whenever I concentrate hard enough in memory of it.

I've read many of the site posts, and I find them a great relief. I feel for the first time that this is it...this is what I've been experiencing for an entire lifetime. I don't know what to attribute my DP to but myself, and I personally think that the disorder is, in itself, all about control and self control. I know that when I get DP when I smoke, I am afraid of letting something go...of letting control go (my argument about "control" being all semantics really). And maybe I should let this thing go because I know that a search for what is there isn't there. My mind seems to move in circles without any sign of ever stopping because a circle is as endless as infinity itself. Its like catching that baseball in my dream was infinity and I was still trying to hold it.

I've had most of the symptoms mentioned on this board since I was very young: invading thoughts, thoughlessness, an inward-focused wandering mind, difficulty communicating, feeling disconnected/unreal. I feel for everyone here who has had to experience such a thing for however long and believe that each individual will make their own path to reality (sounds so existential, but it works) if we work together to help each other through.

I go to sleep tonight thankful of this board and people who post here because I know you all exist...that must mean that I am here too.

Peace to All,

Taylor


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## Guest (Oct 17, 2006)

!!


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## Guest (Oct 17, 2006)

Thank you for the post, Brad. To cope, I used to lift weights and...that's about it. I'm changing my regimen, though. I'm trying to get out of my little bubble, slowly but surely, which means that I'm cutting down on time alone and trying to get out in the world despite any and all obstacles.

I don't know how I manage it. But I have been doing a lot of reading lately and DP may not be what I have.

I have had something since birth. In retrospect, I have mimicked people my entire life. I have watched them live and then tried to be as much like them as possible in hopes, I guess, of eventually capturing peace of mind. Needless to say, no two people can be alike, therefore, I haven't the vaguest idea of who I am, what preferences I have or anything like that because I have no true experience to draw from.

I just got done reading "the seduction of madness" and believe that I created my "own little world" a long time ago because, I don't really know. I've always had trouble communicating with people and now I have what is known as the thousand-yard stare which is making it harder for me to talk to people.

I did try getting high again the other night and it was horrible. I was in a bubble. The whole time (even though I was in the presence of others), all I could think about was one time my uncle told me what my problem was. He told me that I just didn't care. Everyone cries when they are with me because they know that I'm not on drugs and I still can't help but act this way. I think it's a form of autism or genetic/nurtured selfishness towards myself that makes me act like this.

If you have family or friends, I would highly recommend caring for them because caring means a lot and I believe that every human being is capable of this.


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## Guest (Oct 19, 2006)

All I know is that it takes will to fight this sort of thing, even when you realize that you aren't fighting anything but yourself.

If I could give anyone with DP some advice, I would say to ignore what gets in your head that gets in your way because it's only you, but a part of you that isn't doing anyone around you any damn good.


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

Well dont feel bad i didnt find out i had dp/dr till i turned 24 and i had these symptoms all my life. As far back as my childhood memories go i can remember feeling abit strange so i was definatly born with dp/dr. I also had really bad brain fog as well.

It wasent untill early this year that i got treatment for it and the only reason i sought treatment for it was because i was basically incapacitated. I could hardly get out of bed and it was a job to even perform the most simplest of tasks. It felt as if nothing in life had any real meaning behind it.

I felt like a cross between a robot and a ghost. Everything seemed very unreal and i felt as if i was not in full control of myself. I was only going through the motions of life.

Anyway i got put on clonazepam around febuary of this year and to this day im still pretty much 100% dp/dr free.

So if i can get cured of this you can to you just have to find the treatment thats right for you.


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## Guest (Oct 22, 2006)

Hey, Brad. I really feel you on those symptoms! It really is the same for me, but I always go to the party anyway in hopes of...I don't know...I might actually act like myself for once.

Did either of you watch a lot of television as kids? I've stopped (going on about a year and half now), but wonder if there's a correlation between excessive TV watching and fear of social interaction and DP. Because I know now that TV is a crap substitute for human relationships despite the DP.


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## comfortably numb (Mar 6, 2006)

I never watched much TV. Mainly because most TV shows suck and are boring as hell.

I always listened to alot of music instead. Music always perked me up and kinda lifted me outta my depression. I actually had severe depression on and off at a young age. I used to do alot of reading too.

I also spent alot of time around nature because i live in a pretty rural area.

I used to socialize alot when i was younger much more so then i do now. I spent alot of time hanging out with my friends and being up to no good.

So no i didnt watch much TV at all as a kid.


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