# Here's something I posted before I knew what DP/DR were...



## JB68711 (Oct 16, 2006)

I posted this on an anxiety board back in June... and didn't know what to make of it back then. I had people saying "It sounds like you have a low grade depression" and stuff like that... I finally came across "depersonalization" and "derealization" a couple of days ago... and figured that was what it was. But I also tend to think that I have a lot of conditions, so what do you think? Here's my old post, sorry it's kind of long...

Hi I'm 20... and I'm kind of thinking I have anxiety. If I do, it started a couple weeks ago. But I don't know how normal my "symptoms" are. I know I have a lot of them... but some things I just don't understand and seem off.

My friendships lately have been kind of deteriorating... just because of a lot of stuff that has been going on in my life, depression... I'm not really doing much at this point in my life. And basically, I've just felt really boring, and I feel uninteresting to be around... I never really have anything to talk about. When I hang out with my friends, I start to feel uneasy. I'm usually "okay" around them individually. But when I get into a group of friends/acquaintances (which sometimes is inevitable), my mind just starts to go blank, and I become "out of it." Sometimes my foot starts tapping like crazy, though I can't even feel that it's doing that until I look and see it. When someone starts to talk to me, it's hard to concentrate on what they are saying. I can hear what they say, but it's hard for my mind to process it and respond. My mind becomes overwhelmed with negative, worried, stressful thoughts... and it's a constant non-stop thing. But at the same time, my mind will go blank, I don't know... it's hard to explain. And sometimes these thoughts don't have anything to do with the social situation, but with other problems in my life.
I start getting really tired... and sometimes I feel like I can't get up (if I wanted to). But then when it comes down to actually getting up, and I try to do it, it's a lot easier than it felt when I started thinking about having to get up. Sometimes I start to feel like if I close my eyes I would fall fast asleep right away, but it scares me because that feeling is so unnatural. I just get really detached from everything. I just kind of stare off for the most part.
When people do try to talk to me, I can answer... but it just seems like it takes so much for me to focus on talking, and I start to stutter... or just simply agree "yeah", and seem completely uninterested in what they're saying. Actually, a lot of the time I am uninterested in what they are saying. I don't mean to be, but it's just the way I feel. Ever since this has been happening, everything everybody says has just been uninteresting, and sometimes it even feels irritating to listen to them. And I don't like feeling that way, but I start to wonder what the point is in conversation. Why people have things they want to talk about when 90% of what we say is insignificant to each other's lives. It's kind of a feeling of just being "stuck".
When I'm by myself, these thoughts are still just running through my head... I'm almost always worried and stressed. My mind rarely takes a break, and it always seems to be somewhere else. When it does take a "break", it just goes completely blank. There are certain things that I do that make me feel like I'm crazy. Like earlier tonight, I got home and walked from my car into my house... and I looked at this CD in my hand, and couldn't figure out WHY I brought it from the car. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to bring it. I didn't even think to bring it. It JUST HAPPENED. Or the other day, I was going to go into my brother's room to borrow a shirt... and I stopped at a cabinet in the hallway and opened it and looked in at a bunch of towels, though his shirt would never have been in there. Things like this are starting to scare me. And I don't know what it would have to do with anxiety... but there are things that seemingly do have to do with anxiety, and all these things pretty much revolve around my mind being somewhere else.


----------



## whitewater11 (Sep 22, 2006)

Welcome JB68711!

Everything you said rang so true for me. I also pick up random things and don't know why. I may open the cabinet to put the milk away, clearly not where it goes. To describe it best, I feel like I am constantly on AUTO PILOT. I live day in and day out just doing the bare minimal of what I have to (besides at work). I don't know how I have managed to keep this job for 2 1/2 years and my boss thinks the world of me. My job is the one steady stable thing in my life but yet I am unhappy with it because if the stress level that most times is too much for me. Deep down something helps me every day to go to work because I feel that if something happend with this job, it will be a downward spiral.

I have lost contact with most of my friends and I know that it is because of my lack of conversation skills and interest. At times I avoid phone calls but have been trying to get better about that. Even with my family I have not much to say and also fear that when I do have something to say, its not really of any interest - just random things. I always described it as depression before I knew of DR & DP and still do to everyone outside of this forum. Its just easier that way, hard enough when you use the word depression.. alot of people will say "Snap out of it". If only I could.

My thoughts are either racing or my mind is blank. I always feel stressed and can never really relax. But sometimes I find myself watching TV for a while until I realize I hadn't really "watched" any of it. Just sitting there with the most random thoughts in my head. My memory is horrible too. That is one thing that really scares me. I forget so easliy and am realizing I have forgotten alot of what I learned in school and that makes me so sad. I hope that one day if I can get this under control, all my missing pieces of information will come back to me.

I wake up before work with just enough time to get ready so that I am not late (which luckliy I NEVER am) and the reason I do this is because if I have too much time in the morning, I will get really stressed and start thinking of excuses as to why I can't work. This really does affect my work but noone knows so I like to keep it that way. At one point my boss said something about too many unplanned days off.
Even something as simple as a doctors appt I will stress about which is why I am not currently on any meds or seeing a doctor. I know in the long run it will help but its hard enough for me to go to work every day.


----------



## whitewater11 (Sep 22, 2006)

Welcome JB68711!

Everything you said rang so true for me. I also pick up random things and don't know why. I may open the cabinet to put the milk away, clearly not where it goes. To describe it best, I feel like I am constantly on AUTO PILOT. I live day in and day out just doing the bare minimal of what I have to (besides at work). I don't know how I have managed to keep this job for 2 1/2 years and my boss thinks the world of me. My job is the one steady stable thing in my life but yet I am unhappy with it because if the stress level that most times is too much for me. Deep down something helps me every day to go to work because I feel that if something happend with this job, it will be a downward spiral.

I have lost contact with most of my friends and I know that it is because of my lack of conversation skills and interest. At times I avoid phone calls but have been trying to get better about that. Even with my family I have not much to say and also fear that when I do have something to say, its not really of any interest - just random things. I always described it as depression before I knew of DR & DP and still do to everyone outside of this forum. Its just easier that way, hard enough when you use the word depression.. alot of people will say "Snap out of it". If only I could.

My thoughts are either racing or my mind is blank. I always feel stressed and can never really relax. But sometimes I find myself watching TV for a while until I realize I hadn't really "watched" any of it. Just sitting there with the most random thoughts in my head. My memory is horrible too. That is one thing that really scares me. I forget so easliy and am realizing I have forgotten alot of what I learned in school and that makes me so sad. I hope that one day if I can get this under control, all my missing pieces of information will come back to me.

I wake up before work with just enough time to get ready so that I am not late (which luckliy I NEVER am) and the reason I do this is because if I have too much time in the morning, I will get really stressed and start thinking of excuses as to why I can't work. This really does affect my work but noone knows so I like to keep it that way. At one point my boss said something about too many unplanned days off.
Even something as simple as a doctors appt I will stress about which is why I am not currently on any meds or seeing a doctor. I know in the long run it will help but its hard enough for me to go to work every day.


----------



## whitewater11 (Sep 22, 2006)

Welcome JB68711!

Everything you said rang so true for me. I also pick up random things and don't know why. I may open the cabinet to put the milk away, clearly not where it goes. To describe it best, I feel like I am constantly on AUTO PILOT. I live day in and day out just doing the bare minimal of what I have to (besides at work). I don't know how I have managed to keep this job for 2 1/2 years and my boss thinks the world of me. My job is the one steady stable thing in my life but yet I am unhappy with it because if the stress level that most times is too much for me. Deep down something helps me every day to go to work because I feel that if something happend with this job, it will be a downward spiral.

I have lost contact with most of my friends and I know that it is because of my lack of conversation skills and interest. At times I avoid phone calls but have been trying to get better about that. Even with my family I have not much to say and also fear that when I do have something to say, its not really of any interest - just random things. I always described it as depression before I knew of DR & DP and still do to everyone outside of this forum. Its just easier that way, hard enough when you use the word depression.. alot of people will say "Snap out of it". If only I could.

My thoughts are either racing or my mind is blank. I always feel stressed and can never really relax. But sometimes I find myself watching TV for a while until I realize I hadn't really "watched" any of it. Just sitting there with the most random thoughts in my head. My memory is horrible too. That is one thing that really scares me. I forget so easliy and am realizing I have forgotten alot of what I learned in school and that makes me so sad. I hope that one day if I can get this under control, all my missing pieces of information will come back to me.

I wake up before work with just enough time to get ready so that I am not late (which luckliy I NEVER am) and the reason I do this is because if I have too much time in the morning, I will get really stressed and start thinking of excuses as to why I can't work. This really does affect my work but noone knows so I like to keep it that way. At one point my boss said something about too many unplanned days off.
Even something as simple as a doctors appt I will stress about which is why I am not currently on any meds or seeing a doctor. I know in the long run it will help but its hard enough for me to go to work every day.


----------



## JB68711 (Oct 16, 2006)

Hey whitewater, thanks for your response.

That's a really good way of describing it, being on auto pilot. Even while driving, most of my mind is somewhere else... which sounds very dangerous, but at the same time I am paying attention to when I need to stop, slow down... turn left or right, etc. When I get to my destination, I think of the drive there, and I don't even really remember it. I feel like a robot a lot of the times... just absent mindedly going through life. I can't even understand how I could be able to work... it's good that you are still capable of doing that.

I'm the same way when it comes to conversations and interest... I'm not interested in anything, nor do I think I'm interesting to other people. When I do talk to people, I also fear what I'm going to say... and they do seem to be random, uninteresting... and often even "forced". Also I notice that sometimes I respond to people in a wrong tone of voice... like I'll answer someone in a completely uninterested way, though I try to be interested. I sometimes answer abruptly, or firmly when I don't mean to. I over analyze conversations, the way I socialize, and things I'm about to say. My memory has also gone bad... days of the weeks are all the same, I can't recall a lot of things.

I know it can be hard, but you really should try to see a doctor... talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist. I don't know if you have anxiety, I do... and most of the time DP/DR are symptoms of another condition, maybe even just being over stressed. I just started seeing a psychologist last week... and it's the easiest thing I've done so far. Only because I feel it's a step to getting better. I started going to school 6 weeks ago... I was doing fine with it, and then had a panic attack the 4th week... which made my anxiety worse and my DP/DR worse and I stopped going to school, which also created more problems and more stress. I've only been living with this for 5 months... but in the long run, I don't want to look back and see that I have been living this way for 10 years. I miss life, I miss happiness, I even miss myself. People say they learn to live with it, but for me, another day living with it is another day wasted. A psychiatrist is only about once a month... 15-20 minutes. A psychologist, once a week for an hour. The first visit won't cure you, but the relief and just knowing you took that step is priceless.


----------



## whitewater11 (Sep 22, 2006)

I am sorry that you can't go to school because of this. I don't know what gives me the strength to get up and go to work everyday. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to waste another day like this. I have lived with this for about 3 years and in an odd way, you do adjust to it. But for me, it doesn't make it any easier. Some days are bearable and some I feel like I just can't take it anymore and want to flip out. I hold my emotions in and don't cry, though I feel like I could at any given time. I have thought about going back to see another doctor. I am a little iffy about the meds though as they all had side effects that created other problems. The trial and error period is hard too and very frustrating not knowing what will work for me. One of them gave me huge pupils and made me feel even more uncomfortable and I don't want people at work to think I am on drugs.

Yes driving is really scary being on auto pilot. A few years ago I was in a car accident and I wonder if it is because I am not taking driving seriously enough. I mean I always pay attention and feel I am a good driver but my mind is always off in the mist. I looked down for one second (which I think alot of people do) and hit another car. Luckily my brother was pulling off the highway and saw me but that accident made my DR & DP so much worse as did my Nanas death. Alot of things can trigger it to be more severe, some of which you can't help.

I feel like a robot also. I could get off the phone with someone and have a hard time remembering what was said. I overanalize everything also, this drives me nuts. I often times think long and hard before even saying something because I feel what would come naturally is not at all normal.

I am sure I have met people face to face that have this condition and not even realized it. But I would love to meet with someone who does have this and talk about stuff. For some reason I think when people look at me when talking to me, they know I have a mental disorder. I am sure this is not the case but its how I feel.

Thanks JB68711 for your supportive comments about getting my butt back into seeing doctors.


----------



## ::quizzical:: (Aug 4, 2006)

Hi! Welcome! Being on Auto-pilot is a form of Dissociation, which is common in DP/DR. DP/DR is often a symptom of another disorder (anxiety, depression, OCD), but not always. However, sometimes stress can cause dp/dr or dissociating. I know how you feel though...I do the same. Driving and spacing out is actually fairly normal and is often called highway dissociation...i have lots of friends that do it. It becomes a problem when you are on autopilot all day doing everything. Good luck with getting the help you need and talk to a pdoc about meds (anti-anxiety, antidepressants). Be careful, because often meds make things worse...atleast with teh dp/dr. That can be annoying. Again, good luck!


----------



## Tattoosfade (Nov 22, 2006)

That rings so true to me, I didnt realise it may have to do with DP. When Im around groups of people I just... zone out, almost, or I dont, but I cant think of anything to say, I feel so uninteresting, its a real effort (and an effort I consciously made) to try to keep up a conversation with someone I'm not entirely comfortable with.

I love these boards. It seems like everytime I click someone else mentions something they're experiencing that IM experiencing that I didnt realise anyone else in the world was.

Thank you.


----------



## mind^partizan (Nov 11, 2006)

JB68711 AND whitewater11 
said they work. Good for you! I neither go to school, nor work. But i did both this fall, and quit both. I started my first year in univ. , but dropped it in 2 weeks, because the first day, the first class , i realised that business management is not for me. Weell, sometimes you have to decide it this way, unfortunatelly. I didnt think im gonna drop it the first day, but in later days i was sitting there, daydreaming , remmebering my past, how my life lead me to this point , stuff like that  for about 80% of class`time. I was thinking, this is totally meaningless stuff, the things that are taught in these classes, DOESNT AFFECT PEOPLES LIFE! What does fucking accounting matter?! There is no way a DP/DR person can concentrate on this, now i think. So, i found that they can refund the money i paid, if i drop uni in 2 weeks, and i did...

A few days later i got a job, by accidentally coming into one healthy food store. But the supervisor fired me after 5 weeks. He said im a good person, im never late, ... but its just business, and "I was NOT EFFICIENT ENOUGH". I knew it can happen, im just not sharp enugh to do stuff quickly enough. i fear making mistakes, which i did anyway. So, he said it politely, but i still felt useless, its noone else`s fault. It kinda hits to your self-worth, it impossible to avoid thoughts like 'if u cant do this job, start thinking about life on the steet" , because im not in skool , im not in work anymore, so now what?

BTW, i also feel like on auto pilot. i dont see the big picture of life: who am i , whats my past, where im heading, what im doing here? I just live on this second. The memory is very poor. Concentrations sucks. I developed a 'world class' avoidance mechanism, which is probably an element of the DP, so it prevents me from potentially anxious situations. So now, i can say i dont feel almost any anxiety. Cuz i just avoid it, often when i dont realize it. My mind does it for me, to protect me. There is one fun example i can tell: I set my sony micro system to wake me up in the morning, so at a certain time it starts playing radio, but if i went to bed at like 5am and tryingto wake up at 9am, forget it! Im not gonna hear it ! My mind prevents me from a big stress of having to wake up without getting enough sleep. My sister runs in from another room shouting, 'are u gonna let me sleep?!"'  but im still sleeping and replying to her 'are u gonna let me sleep!!?' no, im just joking, she wakes me up then , but the music was so loud, i couldnt believe it didnt wake me up. 
So i perceive DP as a defence mechanism from high stress. But technically it shuld go away if theres no anxiety, OCD, panic , etc...But it still doesnt go away from me :roll: .


----------

