# Relapse and recovery notes



## alphaman (Nov 4, 2005)

Hi - 
After about 2-3 years with no DR/DP (I'm not quite sure the difference...mine is the existential thoughts "i'm going to go insance" variety) I started getting it again later last year.

I was also tending to stay up late (2-3am) drinking (not massively heavily, maybe 6 pack several nights a week) watching movies and engaging in distraction behaviour. Some dreams indicated psychological turmoil.

I had had some very stressful events earlier in the year and it was clear they were catching up to me. Theres a direct link with unprocessed stress/emotions and DP, at least for me. The DP itself is traumatic and adds the situation.

Many of you probably know what its like to stare into the void and fully contemplate the utter mystery of existence... awful! But in a way, addicting... the mind wants to solve the ultimate puzzle, all the while watching as everything precious and familiar is ripped away like wallpaper to reveal...nothing????....but theres SOMETHING!!!!

Having been through this before I knew that 
a - I cannot solve the mystery of existence
b - I do not want to keep popping into this terrible state conciousness

I went back to my energy healer. I knew I was self medicating with booze and was contemplating going to a shrink for pharma drugs. My energy healer was pretty sure it was just packed in emotions and stress. Sure enough, the session was powerful and had a remarkable effect (massive improvement) and she has commented I respond extremely well to it. During the sessions I often have vivid and detailed mindseye imagery which could take pages to write up, but typically there are friendly entities involved and huge amounts of energy pouting in from the sun or cosmic center. In this session these 'imaginary' characters (or are they?) pulled out various strange black bits of metal from my head and body, and gave me a tight fitting gold skull cap to protect my head while it healed. 
Also during the session emotions I had choked down came out as well.

I also quit caffeine cold turkey and started cod liver oil. I had a hunch that my nerves were fried basically. One day at work I had a coffee and immediately I got the DP 'precursor' state which is a sort of hyper awareness and a "oh no, I'm going to DP ...STOP STOP STOP". self monitoring -- all the usual stuff.

Mmmmm....maybe the bean has something to do with this.

First few days after quitting I was EXHAUSTED. 2-3 weeks later getting to sleep much better in the evenings. During the DP periods, moving between waking and sleep can be a difficult time as DP/DR can occur at that threshold.

I had a cup of green tea in the mornings now. A few times I've had coffee but its anxiety producing effect is quite noticeable.

I also started trying Kava (Kava Kava) and ordered some root from hawaii. This is a REALLY nice root. I'm using it as an alternative to alchohol. You have to have quite a bit to get an effect, but it just seems to put the mind into chill out mode. Sleep is easy and my GF says I toss and turn a lot less after some kava when sleeping.

So, I'm much much better than a few weeks ago. I've learnt once again that surviving stress or 'dealing' a situation does not mean you have dealt with it. I may actually be quite sensitive to stress in general.

Having a dp/dr episode may seem like entering some sort of ultimate reality, but I don't think there is an ultimate reality. The nature of mind, conciousness, universe, imagination, spirituality etc is still pretty much a mystery. Everything culturally we know if founded on mystery so if anyone says they know something for sure, well they don't really.

It was clear from my dreams that before xmas my psyche was in disorder if not under attack. Science and our modern myths gave it nothing. Its king (literally, I had one imaginative image of an empty throne on a collapsing planet "the king is dead!") had gone. Order needed to be re-established. 
I also wondered - SCI-FI is full of "the universe will be destroyed" type scenarios where order needs to be reestablished (think of those new DrWhos -- the doctor is always saving the universe from the Void), and I wondered on a personnal scale wether a DP/DR sufferer is going through a similar catastrophic story. That the forces of chaos or annihilation literally will use the exhausted or otherwise 'open' as a vehicle for their 'attack'.

I don't like to dismiss DP/DR as merely a nervous symptom... theres much more to us than a nervous system. But as way to NOT be aware like this, tending the nerves is v important, at least for me. Again, that was an important realization - that you have choice.

The one 'good' thing about DP/DR is that after experiencing the horror of infinity, really, nothing else is quite as bad. In a funny way, perhaps it give one more courage. After literally staring down the barrel of psychic or ego death, following ones dreams seems easier....actually LIVING fearlessly. I remember when I was 13 or something and would have my 'existence attacks' as I called them.... sometimes I'd make plans to join the army or other dangerous proffesion --- somehow, it seemed by fighting a war and facing death I would be free of this curse, and much more alive. I'd be living, not staring into psychic hell.

It seems these DP phases are brought about after stressful periods of time when I have not fully expressed myself or emotions. Displays of high emotion are not socially acceptable, especially in professional situations, and I wonder wether the cost of social adherence can be very high indeed. Stuff it all down and get on with it. Worry far to much about what other people think and negate ourselves. Perhaps we literally start slaying ourselves, and we are the disruptor's of the kingdom, so to speak.

I'm not advocating that energy healing will work for everyone here... the crucial breakthough a few years ago was realising I needed a healer. I just followed my intuition. I've found that in ones worst moments there are little insights or intuitions pushing one forwards in the right direction.


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## Katezorz (Jan 10, 2010)

So you're completely recovered now?


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## S O L A R I S (Dec 24, 2009)

"It seems these DP phases are brought about after stressful periods of time when I have not fully expressed myself or emotions. Displays of high emotion are not socially acceptable, especially in professional situations, and I wonder wether the cost of social adherence can be very high indeed. Stuff it all down and get on with it. Worry far to much about what other people think and negate ourselves. Perhaps we literally start slaying ourselves, and we are the disruptor's of the kingdom, so to speak."

Very well said! Thank you for posting that!


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## alphaman (Nov 4, 2005)

Ruminating/obsessive thoughts are gone - my mind is chugging along pretty much as normal. I can talk about DP/DR without having to actually go into the state and get triggered. I could, if I want to, think myself into it, but I don't want to: and most importantly there isn't that obssesive OCD drive to go into it/fear it.

Last time I had a lot of DP/DR was about 4-5 years ago after my divorce (again, highly stressful time) I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown, but managed to heal and get through that, then have years without really thinking much about it, nor entering the state of mind. i will say though, that the seal on some pretty deep emotional stuff had been broken back then and so recovering meant dealing with that --- not always easy, especially when it involves relationships with other people.

Grief can also be a factor in this whole thing as well I think. I remember a nasty phase of Dp/DR when I was 15 yrs old. I had two ppl in my family die that year but don't remember crying - just numbness. The two things are related. It took 20 years for some of that grief to come out.



Katezorz said:


> So you're completely recovered now?


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