# What am I feeling????



## c_myers (Nov 22, 2010)

I had a great deal of stress this year. In January I was told that my tumor may have grown back...which stressed me out because i didnt want surgery again.

Then in February, my son had a hearing test and they told me he was going deaf. Which really devastated me. Went through a series of more and found out he was fine but then autistic... it was overwhelming ...i thought my life would never be the same and didnt know how i was going to do everything.

So every couple months I would go back to my ent and she would have a new theory about my tumor..i had it removed 4 yrs ago when i was 18 and it was a benign schwannoma...just a growth...no reason for it..so all was fine till it came back and shes telling me that it could be cancerous this time...which yea didnt go well for me...but I got through the summer without freaking out and stuff but then she wanted to send me to a new doctor and they told me everything would be fine...I didnt get surgery until October and about a month or 2 before i was hit with this really severe anxiety attack...i literally thought i was going to be dead that night...i called 911 and went to the hospital because i really thought i was dying...they gave me a xanax and i was fine...i couldnt believe that it was a panic attack because ive had some before and it never was that bad before..

then i had another about 2 wks later....i thought i was dying again and it would not go away...so then after that i had the constant fear of it happening and all i did was sit there and think about it and have racing thoughts...i couldnt eat right ..couldnt do anything...i was in contant worry...up until surgery...I was on Buspar and xanax for about a month here..and when i got surgery i was in the hospital and didnt take it for about a week and then things started happening again...

I went to the mall and the whole time i felt unreal and it started to make me panic...i started to cry and wondered why i was feeling this way..
I felt like disappearing...it was really bad

So then I was afraid to go out because i didnt want to feel that way.....i went another weekend with going out and feeling that way and called the doctor..

i told him i thought i was depressed..because i didnt want to do anything ...didnt wanna leave the house..didnt have interest in anything..had this feeling of being in a dream..

he gave me zoloft...which i have been on for a week and have xanax on hand

on bad days i wake up very anxious and wonder why i feel anxious
i wonder what might happen to me
-what if this...what if that
why cant i be normal
most of the time i feel dreamy or tired
if i look out the window its so hazy looking and fake
when my sons therapists come over i feel like this the whole time and cant concentrate
when its intense i just cry because i feel like im never going to get better
i always wonder whats wrong
i cant always tell myself that its just a mental thing
i usually think theres something seriously wrong with me
sometimes i wonder how we are alive, am i really here?
how did i get through those panic attacks 
how am i alive
im told im healthy and everything is fine but always think there still is
cant drive myself anywhere anymore
whenever i get off the couch and do something like get on the computer or clean i always feel the dreamy feeling and it annoys me so much..i feel like im gonna just disappear..
i always feel hungry but dont wanna eat

then when i feel good:
i feel stupid
why do i think like that
whats wrong with me

i cant believe this is really just a disorder...i always think it HAS to be SOMETHING else...theres no way

can someone give me some advice? is this all mental?

oh and i always check my heartrate and breathing..


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## lindsayloo (Jun 23, 2010)

hello there. your last statement stood out to me.. is this all mental? I too know your pain.. I have always had anxiety, and little bouts of dp and dr. i was like huh that was weird... oh well. Then back in feburary I went on a vacation with my boyfriend to costa rica, please keep in mind that i have alway hated being far from home.. well i bit off more than i could chew. the flight, being away from my family and kids, the envioronment was soo different , and to make the vacation that much more special.. i woke up with the most hideous rash all over my body on my second day there... lets just say i fucking flipped.. something in my mind switched and i have never been the same. better these days but not the same. back to the question .. is this all mental? I believe it is not us loosing it, the more i suffer the more i believe it is simply the way we are thinking. weather trauma or drugs cause this switch in our brain, we have found a new scary way to think, which that in itself fuels the fire. omg am i going mad, are therse my hands etc etc. i feel that the first steps to recovery is acceptance, and when i first heard that i did not want to believe it. but i am now accepting it. and truley believing that these are mere symptoms of our anxiety, depression. when i started doing this , it didnt make it go away at first but it has helped.. i believe i'm getting better and better. change your thinking pattern, i know this is so hard. practice it. every time a scary thought enters your mind say .. this is only anxiety it is not my mind it is simply my thoughts. things will get better, i believe we people who suffer from this are very strong.. God BLess you


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

so I would start off by saying I'm self-diagnosed DP. I been having severe panic attacks, that last 24 hours, even in my sleep. I can't seem to stop them. I'm always worried that I'm going to die or faint. My symptoms are so severe I'm excessively worried. I don't know if persistent dierrhea. I really hate this because my family (husband, and kids) think I'm going to end up in the psych ward.

Does anyone ever have stomach pains?


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## TheStarter (Oct 19, 2010)

Cambella2002 said:


> so I would start off by saying I'm self-diagnosed DP. I been having severe panic attacks, that last 24 hours, even in my sleep. I can't seem to stop them. I'm always worried that I'm going to die or faint. My symptoms are so severe I'm excessively worried. I don't know if persistent dierrhea. I really hate this because my family (husband, and kids) think I'm going to end up in the psych ward.
> 
> Does anyone ever have stomach pains?


Yes, i have a spasmcolon, and with anxiety i get stomach pains and a bad case of dierrhea.

And what if you do end up in a psych ward?
In my opinion they should respect you and support you more with this horrible disease.

Have you tried benzo's yet? like xanax and ativan? They make your mind clear and not care about the fact of possible dangers.

Greetings,
TheStarter


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## RockinCelery (Nov 13, 2010)

Cambella2002 said:


> so I would start off by saying I'm self-diagnosed DP. I been having severe panic attacks, that last 24 hours, even in my sleep. I can't seem to stop them. I'm always worried that I'm going to die or faint. My symptoms are so severe I'm excessively worried. I don't know if persistent dierrhea. I really hate this because my family (husband, and kids) think I'm going to end up in the psych ward.
> 
> Does anyone ever have stomach pains?


Anxiety does not lead to psychosis, it is a build up of stress and worry that can bring about physical symptoms such as stomach cramps and diahrrea. These symptoms add to the anxiety and so it is a vicious cycle, much like the vicious cycle we are all stuck in with depersonalization and derealization. We have to try and break out of these thought patterns to make any progress towards recovery. I too suffered with stomach cramps, diahrrea, headaches and the visual disturbances common to DP and DR. But now i'm becoming less anxious because I know that there is actually nothing wrong with me, it's just all in my head. I no longer get stomach cramps or diahrrea and if I do it's much less often. I do have visual disturbances but it no longer has the same effect on me. It's all about how you think. I know it's hard but I really think it's the only way to go when fighting this fear monster.


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## savana (Nov 17, 2010)

c_myers said:


> I had a great deal of stress this year. In January I was told that my tumor may have grown back...which stressed me out because i didnt want surgery again.
> 
> Then in February, my son had a hearing test and they told me he was going deaf. Which really devastated me. Went through a series of more and found out he was fine but then autistic... it was overwhelming ...i thought my life would never be the same and didnt know how i was going to do everything.
> 
> ...


damn im sorry hear that. but, IT IS just a disorder I promise you. Usually dp is caused by abuse as a child, anxiety, drugs, or in your case life threating experiences. I have had dp for 5-6 months, your not alone and never will be. even if no one in your personal life understands or even believes you we do. We go through the same experiences as you. I do have some tips for you, they may help but also they may not everyone is different. but, may i add that taking medication for this is usually not the best way to go at this. ive been doing TONS of research on this, and most stories include medication did not help. wellll, here are some tips.
-remeber you are NOT going crazy no matter what you are not
-get your mind off of it, go out with friends, watch tv, read a book, excerise, etc
-dont obesses over it
-dont fear it 
-learn to execpt that you have a anxiety disorder(i really dont know what else to call it lol)
-dont let it interfere with your everyday acitivity. im almost failing the 8th grade because i missed so much school because i couldnt even physically move from my bed

I promise you it WILL go away. once you stop thinking and fearing it, youll see one day it wont even be there. I know how extremely difficult it is, but you will get over it. At first i was convinced i had a rare disease and was slowly dying. But, then I got to my senses and relised theres thousands of people just like me. It may take a couple weeks or months to start getting back on your feet, but youll be back dont worry. It might take years to be back to yourself, but hey remember to look foward to that day. Keep going to this forum it helps me cope. And what you said about eating got to me, because I am the same way. Alot of people with dp never said anything about that. When i eat it feels like my mouth is going numb, and like im going to choke on it or something. I also learned if i dont eat it gets like two times worse. Anyway you are in my prayers and all of you are. Bless your soul.


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## c_myers (Nov 22, 2010)

Thanks for the answers. Yea I noticed its worse if I dont sleep right at night and dont eat right. I havent been eating right for a few weeks now..i lost about 15 pounds in the past month or 2. It was really bad for me at first too thinking I had a disease and was dying...I guess the problem was I already had something rare happen to me so I thought I would get everything rare....why not right? But im looking into therapy since all I hear is that meds wont help. I had this when I was younger..about 12 yrs old and it wasnt AS bad so i learned how to deal with it and knew it was just anxiety. It did take awhile...at that age it was from parents divorcing and losing family...lost an uncle and it was very tragic..he was found hung and still no answers...then right after his death his brother molested me and that really turned my life around...i was afraid to go anywhere that had to do with family..I didnt tell my mom for a year..i kept it to myself..and then on top of that when i did tell her she thought i was lying...so that didnt help me either and of course nothing happened...all is blown over now..so i get nervous IF i do see him sometimes..but i learned to get past that and lived normally after having kids and everything....now all this stress of life situations at my age is really taking its toll...and i RARELY have help with my kids so my stress doesnt get managed...so its going to be very hard for me to recover from this...i love having this site and information to come to so that when i do freak i can read things on here and know that nothing can happen its JUST anxiety... RIGHT?!?


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## Cambella2002 (Nov 25, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your help. Helps me realize that this is just a trial in my life and I will get through it. I have also gone through some tragic times in my life and learned to cope. However, something just set this horrible beast out of control. I think everyone is concerned because, this is not me. I used to get through the day like super-woman. Deep down inside I know I'm not super-woman...I'm human I can only handle so much. Now that I'm experiencing DP and severe panic attacks again, like I was 17 years old, I'm lost. All I do is think and worry about what I'm going through. Wondering if I'm going to die in my sleep or I'm going to fly off the handle. I really need to work this out because I'm going to lose my family, job, and everything important to me. Sometimes I just want to give up, and tell myself it's not going to get better. I'm going to lose everything.

Yesterday, I made myself get out of bed. At first, I felt alright....things were a little foggy. I got myself and my daughter ready. Felt fine, just a little out of place. Then, we went to my husband's sister's house for thanksgiving. I had a horrible DP episode then I started to have muscle contractions in my face, eyelids, and legs. I slept for five hours to relax me. After all of that I felt horrible. Looking at my husband and daughter and how happy they were...........I got upset because I wanted to share that with them. I wanted to share that every minute with them but I was in this horrible state that I couldn't break myself out of.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and stories.

We can through this.


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