# Afraid of suicide- please tell me this is normal!!!



## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Hey out there,

I'm at the point where I really and honestly accept that I have DP/DR. So far, so good







, but one thing makes things almost unbearable at the moment. I hope some of you can relate to that and give me some HOPE.

I was on a relatively good way to recovery (well, that was what I thought) when I got the news that a son of my grandma's neighbours had tried to commit suicide. I was completely SHOCKED and immediately pressed down the thought: "What if this also happens to you." Well, that was a mistake, I suppose.

Days passed when nothing happend, then, suddenly a picture in my head hit me like a lightning. I suddenly saw ME in the described situation of the young boy. I was threatened to the bones, could not sleep for 2 nights and went down the worry cycle again







For a short while, the picture disappeared, but I still felt completely panicky, ashamed and shocked that I could have such a picture in my mind. A picture I DEFINITELY did NOT want to have.

Since this moment, it comes and goes (the picture). Luckily, I see it less in the last days, BUT: I cannot stop worrying almost the WHOLE day: "What if this also happens to you, what if this also happens to you, what if this also happens to you??" As a matter of fact, I fucking DON'T want to think that. I don't want to die!!!!!!! But I'm absolutely panicked, I might fall into severe depression and might want it some day, when all my strength has left me. I DO NOT WANT THAT!!!!

I have read a lot about obsessive (aggressive) thoughts within anxiety disorders and I read a hundreds time that they are extremely frightening, but harmless as they are never put into action. But I'm so so so so afraid that these absolutely terrifying and threatening thoughts might turn into pleasure one day and that, well, that I will come to a point where living or not is not up to me anymore. Relatively clear, what I'm talking about?

It would be nice if some of you could calm me down a little. How did you realize that your suicidal thoughts were severe? When did you decide to go to a clinic?

I'm really threatened, please help!
Best wishes,
Steffi


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## julio (Jun 16, 2009)

I used to have the same worry. They worry of What if I go crazy, What if I kill myself...
I think that pic was on your mind because you did not want it in your mind.
A lot of times when I used to be like I hope I never kill myself... Then I started to think of that "the feelling of fear of I hope I don't" 
In reality if you are affraid that you do not want to kill your self than you most probably wont, because it avously makes you affraid of doing that.

Don't worry it will all work out for you.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you so much for your compassionate words. I was on such a good way, and now I'm so down- that really makes me angry.

Fear has always been my strongest emotion (no wonder I am where I am now, huh?), so I really hope it will always be stronger.

I just read about suicidal thoughts that "become independant"... that cannot be true, if one is so so so afraid of it, can it? *urghs*


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## Momma (Sep 20, 2010)

Gypsy85 said:


> Thank you so much for your compassionate words. I was on such a good way, and now I'm so down- that really makes me angry.
> 
> Fear has always been my strongest emotion (no wonder I am where I am now, huh?), so I really hope it will always be stronger.
> 
> I just read about suicidal thoughts that "become independant"... that cannot be true, if one is so so so afraid of it, can it? *urghs*


Hey









Have you tried cognitive Behavioral therapy (CBT)? It has done wonders for some of my family members battling OCD/anxiety. Also, are you on any medication? Once again, that oculd also help. Remember, all this shit you're feeling is biological. Its not your fault. For me, I thought I was weak or different because of my anxiety issues. Turns out, I am not alone and many ppl feel the same way. The good thing to do is not to act on your thoughts, they are just thoughts and to break them down and eventually, it will go away. This is what CBT is for? Look for a good doctor that can help you. The mere fact that you are questionning your thoughts means you probably won't act on them. Definitely get some help. Its nothing to be embarassed about.

I wish you all the best and the wonderful life that you deserve









Momma


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you Momma









From the moment I knew it was an anxiety disorder, I immediately searched for help and phoned ALL (I really mean ALL) psychotherapists near my home. Well, the only one I found having free places was a psychotherapist I have to pay myself, but I like her very much and I think it's worth the trial.

I'm not quite sure if she is doing CBT with me. At the moment, I shall detect my thoughts as fear and simply let them drift away knowing that they will go away anyway (this actually is CBT, isn't it?). I think this is the right way, but with this special thought, things simply do not work. I'm too afraid I might misjudge my thought









I do not take any medication. I never did. I'm afraid it might make things worse... but at the moment, I really think about it.

I phoned my thera and asked for a second appointment this week. I hope she can help me, that really sucks


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## Momma (Sep 20, 2010)

Gypsy85 said:


> Thank you Momma
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have faith my dear!

All will work out I got dp and dr from post partum depression bud didn`t want to waste my life feeling really bad so when my doctor offered me the option of taking medication, I agreed. At first, like many others, I was hesitant, but now I am really glad I did. Support and meds got me better and really fast so that I could enjoy life again but especially my newborn son. My feelings of dp lasted only around 3-4 weeks until I felt in my skin. I started with 10mg of cipralex and then after 3 months went down to 5 mg. Yup, I gained a little weight, feel a little tired but that`s all right... I am better and that`s all that counts.

Wishing you the best









Momma


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Pf, I would risk to become fat if I was just happier again and less anxious!!

Do you know if a psychotherapist is able to prescribe medication? Or can he/she just give advice and I have to go to a doctor?


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## Momma (Sep 20, 2010)

Gypsy85 said:


> Pf, I would risk to become fat if I was just happier again and less anxious!!
> 
> Do you know if a psychotherapist is able to prescribe medication? Or can he/she just give advice and I have to go to a doctor?


Hey









Ha Ha! I felt the exact same way as you







I would accept being 500 pounds than live with the terrible feelings I had...I think a psychotherapist can help you and may be able to prescrive meds. If not, try a doctor...your psychotherapist, if you have one, will be able to refer you to someone who can.

Good luck


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Thank you very much Momma







It is unbelievable how much compassionate words even through such a "cold" medium as the internet might help, isn't it?

I found so much POSITIVE information on my problems today, that I have managed to become a bit more optimistic







. Well, I know that just reading the worst cases is bullshit, but unfortunately, they are somehow burnt into my brain as soon asI read them whereas the positive news fade away so easily. So, time for a shift in thinking, I suppose


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Just wanted to say "thank you" once more, Momma!

I found a REALLY helpful excercise of CBT on the internet, understood it, tried it and feel so much better today!!! I don't know what it will be like the following days, but one day of relief was so damn needed!!! I step by step realise how wrong and negative my thoughts are and that I do not have these negative thoughts because I have negative feelings, but that it is rather the other way round: I have negative feelings, because I have negative thoughts. It does not matter whether they come from anxiety, depression or what ever... they are WRONG! The more positive I think, the better I feel. Soooo- thought-changing-time


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

Thanks, I can definitely relate to lots that you said. I've been getting these flashes of suicidal thoughts recently, and they definitely freak me out, but they never seem to translate into action, like the other crazy things that race through my head. I don't seem to get the "I'm going crazy" thoughts as bad as I did when I first got dp/dr, which is nice. I've just started trying some CBT with a therapist I've been working with for awhile, and it seems to be helping at least a little; probably it would help more if I used it more.


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## Gypsy85 (Sep 23, 2010)

Wow- it seems as if you are talking about MY thoughts









I first freaked out at the thought that I might become crazy. I thought that would be the worst thing in the world as I have always been a deep thinker and proud of my rational thinking. When I succeeded to convince myself that this will never happen, my fear 'jumped' onto another topic- my future job. I managed to convince myself that everything will be ok and my fear jumped again







So now I am at the "this will kill you"-fear and I can say that it is the worst experience EVER. Luckily, these terryfying pictures in my head are becoming less, but the thoughts are still there. It is really tough, but deep inside I somehow know that overcoming this particular fear is my way to recovery. But at the moment I simply do not know how to overcome it







The problem with CBT in my case is that I simply do not believe myself. I keep on saying to myself that my thoughts are just irrational and that this is fear talking, but I know that I subconsciously think: "Pfff... your saying BULLSHIT. In fact, your thoughts are right and you are just trying to calm yourself down."

Well, I just hope that time will help me when I realise that my terryfying thoughts will not become true









@dpsince2002
I know that this is much to ask of, but would you be so kind to shortly describe what your therapist told you regarding using CBT? Although I'm sceptical, I think it has helped me a little and that is of course better than nothing


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## real50tyson (Feb 20, 2012)

Gypsy85 said:


> Wow- it seems as if you are talking about MY thoughts
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Exactly first i was scared about going crazy and that though seemed to go...i felt like i was on my way to a full recovery until about 2 days ago when i heard that a friend of my uncles came out of jail. He then stayed locked up for 3 days in his room and ended up killing himself...hearing that just scared the shit out of me... i think like. What if this happens to me....but i know i will never do it, it is just a scary thought that has been stuck in my head for 2 days.


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