# Anxiety, depersonalization, existencial thoughts... I feel scared and exhausted..



## Isilme

At the beginning, I must say I feel very weird just writting this. I´ve been reading all kinds of stories and experiences, bud I didn´t write mine.

After I finished my exams in college (it was really hard and stressfull month and a half) my anxiety started to increase. I started to feel some anxiety most of the day. (Stress time is not over for me- I have to finish my bachelor work in very short time, because I didn´t start when I shoud. And after that, there will be another exams, so no real free time until june I guess). And my anxiety and depersonalization was allways worst in times of lot of stress.

So, now I feel constantly anxious, like really anxious and I have panic attacs too. I feel exhausted, tired and like I can´t imagine to get through another day, because these feelings of overwhelming fear are so horrible. And I feel sick and nausea from shaking by fear. The worst is that it feels like it will never end and that there is nothing to save e, to make me feel better, to relax for a while.

And besides anxiety I have depersonalization, or sometimes maybe derealization also. I don´t feel like me, I always have existencial questions like:What am I? How is it possible, that I exist? How can I move my legs and hands? How can I speak? It feels so weird to speak or move or even think. Sometimes if feels like it is not me who is speaking, or moving, because I am observing it. How can I speak and in the same moment observe myself speak like if that was someone else? It feels weird and scary to exist, just to be. And sometimes I feel something like "heaviness" of existence. But that doesn´t mean I would want to die. No,actually when I think I might die for whatever reason, I feel sad and like "I want to live".I just don´t know how to right now. As someone wrote: "I was frozen in fear of life, and just as afraid of death." - that is exactly how I feel.

Sometimes I have this scary sensations when in one second nothing and in another I feel like if I just woke up in another dimension or something, or more likely I just woke up here and realized that I am here, I exist and there is world that exist also. And this sudden realization of existence is so scary for me (doesn´t matter how many times it happened, every time it´s the same frightening feeling, when I am so aware of my existence, that I am actually afraid of it, of myself. And when I realize I can´t hide from myself, my thoughts, because it is just not possible, I feel even more scared.

And I have an intrussive thoughts like: "What if this is not reality, but dream?" "What if everything I know, is not real and I just imagined it, because I am crazy?" -this happens when I am alone "What if I come home and find out I can´t get inside because I dont live here and I just thought I do, because I am crazy and everything was just a hallucinations" - yet I know it is just a thought and I do live there. I know that, but that "what if" feeling does not go away until I get there to be 100% sure.

This thoughts and feelings and everything makes me wonder, if I am going psychotic or something, because I feel like that. I feel like I am going to lose my mind in any second. Even if my psychologist told me I don´t have schizophrenia or something similiar, I feel so crazy I can´t belive it. And I am so scared of an idea being psychotic.

I don´t know what to do anymore. I know what is real and what is just my head messing with me. But knowing that doesn´t stop me from being terrified from these thoughts and feelings, because they feel so real. And when I was about 12 I suffered from non diagnosted OCD (I was not at psychologist back then), so I guess these intrussive thoughts may be from it?

Do you have this too? Or something similiar? Do you think it is really just anxiety/DP/OCD?

Thanks for reading (and sorry for grammar English is not my first language) and if someone would like to talk or share feelings, feel free write to me, I would be glad.


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## katiej

Hi there. I have this also. The main issue I have is just wondering when I became concious and how I know anything. I look.at my parents.and think am I programmed into thinking this is all normal. Like I'm outside of it all. I cannot help but break down and cry. It feels like I'm seeing it all for the first time but cannot leave. I wanna know how I know things. And also feel I have no me to deal with the world. I feel like I'm too aware of being aware. I feel like I just realised I am existing in life and that this is my life. And then I feel trapped. Is this all dp. Could it ever go away. I cant stop crying


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## Jurgen

So you were dealing with anxiety before college? Prior to your exams? Could you tell us what may have triggered you to disassociate? Did it occur before going to college? Do you think school adds an extention to your stress? It's important to highlight some of these details. Your intrusive thoughts likely stem from stress and feeling overwhelmed on a daily basis, they are of little importance.


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## Jurgen

katiej said:


> Hi there. I have this also. The main issue I have is just wondering when I became concious and how I know anything. I look.at my parents.and think am I programmed into thinking this is all normal. Like I'm outside of it all. I cannot help but break down and cry. It feels like I'm seeing it all for the first time but cannot leave. I wanna know how I know things. And also feel I have no me to deal with the world. I feel like I'm too aware of being aware. I feel like I just realised I am existing in life and that this is my life. And then I feel trapped. Is this all dp. Could it ever go away. I cant stop crying


It sounds like you are hyperventilating inside of yourself. It also sounds like you are under the impression that the way you are conditioned (living inside your body, having an awareness) is abnormal. It isn't. Try to relax. A lot of people experience these setbacks so fresh into their condition. It's nothing to worry about. The feeling itself dissipates, like smoke, as soon as you relax and try to keep yourself busy.


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## katiej

I have had this on and off for four years. This is the tworst it has ever been I cannot function. I cry all day and panic all day. Can u please relate? Its like I'm fighting against being human. Is this all defense . I'm going thru my traumas in therepy and this is whats made me worse because the pain I'm feeling. Ive been told I have to feel it in order to move on.


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## Isilme

katiej said:


> I feel like I'm too aware of being aware. I feel like I just realised I am existing in life and that this is my life. And then I feel trapped.


I feel that too. Like I just woke up and realized, that I am, that this is my life, but in the same time I know everything about my past, I have all my memories, all "knowlege". Yet it feels like I just found out.


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## Isilme

Yes, I have had this before these exams. I´ve been dealing with anxiety and DP/DR for some time and as I said before I had OCD too, when I was about 12 and it was really bad, also a little traumatic I guess, because I didn´t understand what it is and I was afraid to tell somebody,because I thought I was the only one in the world with that (my parents noticed that, but they thought it was something from computer games, like I was acting like figure in game - but actually I was just doing my weird rituals, when I had to repeat doing things and movements. I think I´ve got rituals for everything). Eventually I have got rid of it.

When I was on high school I had periods of anxiety and DP, that usually lasts for two weeks and then I was fine (not completeley great, but okay).

And to my family - my parents were often arguing and screaming for couple of years, until they divorced when I was 18, but it is not so great since then also. I was very scared when they did (especially, when I was younger), later I was still scared, but also angry and nervous. And I felt alone, during their arguements, because nothing mattered, when they were angry (I have brother but when he was little he cried and later just go to his room and slammed a door). So I felt alone, scared and no one really cared. Atmosphere here, in our house, is still not good, but it would be for a long time to complain on everything.


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## katiej

Isilme said:


> I feel that too. Like I just woke up and realized, that I am, that this is my life, but in the same time I know everything about my past, I have all my memories, all "knowlege". Yet it feels like I just found out.


i get that too. I feel though like i just realized im here and alive.Yet i always knew. But now somehow it feels wrong. Like i should think its weird. And when i play along with it all i sometimes stop and say no u need to freak out. U are alive this is weird !


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## simonlebon

katiej said:


> i get that too. I feel though like i just realized im here and alive.Yet i always knew. But now somehow it feels wrong. Like i should think its weird. And when i play along with it all i sometimes stop and say no u need to freak out. U are alive this is weird !


Katiej you have pretty much EXACTLY described my thoughts. How are you doing now?


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