# Alive, Real, Connected? Eh?



## peachy

I really wish there were more recovery stories on here that talked about the emotions that people begin to feel and the sense of life they have inside of them. That's how I've felt in my moments of what I think were "glimpses of reality". But all I seem to read are people that sound like rountined machined omtimistic upbeat zombie robots. That they were cured through working out, eating right, sleeping right, taking care of themselves, or accepting depersonalization. I was just waiting to hear that rush of life coming at them, like the small moments that I've felt. But I'm always disappointed by how drone-y people sound returning to post their recovery stories. I guess what I'm asking is that I'd rather hear what it's like to feel recovered**, alive, real, connected, and not what you did to get there. If there is one person that could show me or write this, it'd potentially make my month.

(recovered** because it seems it's not a certain moment you are just better but that it comes with time).


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## Jessesaur

I plan on having a recovery story soon, I feel it coming. When I do, it seems like I should be able to express it enthusiastically!


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## hd83

I haven't recovered yet but I felt almost normal for 3 days. It felt like I got my emotions back. I could laugh really hard at a joke, that life was more carefree and easy, I was excited about little things. Just going to Best Buy to buy DVD's was fun and exciting. I felt I could connect to people again and relate to them. Hope that gives you some idea of what it's like to "recover"!


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## Surfingisfun001

edit


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## Guest

Dear Peach woman :mrgreen:

I think I may have mentioned at some time, my friend who used to post here ... when he posted ... he was already "well" but had been diagnosed (incorrectly) with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. He's not one for posting about himself, so I'll take the liberty. He still has anxiety, and low energy, gets depressed. But his DP/DR are gone. This happened after going on Neurontin ... and it took time ... a month? or more ... to slowly feel "real" again.

I ask him all the time, "You aren't afraid it will come back?" "Do you ever think about it?"
He only says it is NOT really a factor in his live anymore. His anxiety, his depression, yes, but not DP at all and he occasionally has instances of DR that "don't bother him."

I also know of one woman who used to be on this board whose DP is gone ... after many years of therapy. Interestingly her desire to cut is still there.

People DO get better. I believe that. I just wish it were more of us.

I feel somehow something is on the horizon, and as I say, you are young -- I believe young people today will see an answer to this.

I also know of people from Andy's board who are much better. And in that case I have to say .. it was time. Also, I can't speak for any of them, as the causes and severity were different for all. I know one individual however, who continues to be on disability, but he has severe OCD as well.

I had to write this to make myself feel better!
Cheers,
D


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## peachy

Thanks Dreamer. I think I believe they're out there. It's just sad when getting over DP didn't fix the anxiety and depression those people were feeling. I definitely believe it's possible to get better, I've just yet to hear a post that sounds authentic and full of life. The most inspiring thing to me would be to hear how people FEEL. I could give a rats ass about omega 3 and 5 mile runs  although a good run does sound good.


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## York

I've learned two things from DP. 
1) Reality isn't a distinct feeling. It's a million feelings, it changes from one second to the next. It's fluid. Effortless.

2) Reality IS a distinct feeling. When you enter it, it's everything DP is not, and you just _know._ You are home.

Reality is the absence of drama. It's everything and nothing at the same time.
You realize, life still isn't perfect. But at least you can breathe, and there's moments of quiet.


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## York

When you recover, it's like awakening from a surreal and exhausting dream, you just can't believe, or even remember, where you've "been" all the time. Dp will seem like a waste of thoughts and energy.

With dp you are looking at life like it's a movie, with static on top, and you try to figure out the plot, why the colors are weird, why you are cold when the people in the movie are warm and cozy, why they do things when you can't reach out and connect to them.

Reality is being _inside_ the movie, blissfully unaware there is anything else but that.


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## Guest

York, you are spot on.



york said:


> Reality IS a distinct feeling. When you enter it, it's everything DP is not, and you just know. You are home.


When I have had "moments of reality" -- that's it! What enrages me is that over the years, FOR ME, not for everyone, the "moments of reality" have disappeared.

I also hear from people who are 100% DP/DR-free that they literally "forget" what it was like to feel DP/DR. When it is really gone. This apparently happens to people though say ... they have chronic DP/DR for a year, then it "goes away" 100% for a year and they are fully alive ... then it comes back. It is only when it comes back that they have some sense of how awful it is/was.

I can say, I'm worn out. But I figure, if this has been overcome, I take one day at a time. But Lord, I am so, so tired, literally and figuratively.

Cheers,
D


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## Jessesaur

Dreamer* said:


> I also hear from people who are 100% DP/DR-free that they literally "forget" what it was like to feel DP/DR.


I think thats really true. Also, I think its true the other way around, that when your DP'd you can't really remember what it was like to not be DP'd. This is something I am starting to figure out with myself. It really seems like I have been DP'd my whole life, but I think that maybe my memory just doesn't record weather I was DP'd or not at a given moment in my life. Its VERY confusing. Anyway, I think it has something to do with altered states of consciousness and how the mind almost uses separate memory banks for each... or something like that. I dunno if I'm making any sense what so ever, but this is the type of thing I am thinking about all the time... I'm sure that when I get well, this stuff simply won't matter any more.


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## jfromaz

For the period that it lasted, I generally felt as giddy as a schoolgirl, no joke. I obviously didn't want anything to do with DP/DR and I am not kidding I could not recall the feeling of DP/DR. I still just felt a little bit "foggy-headed", but I could overlook that.. I felt normal, I felt like I did when I was 16 years old. Everything felt "normal" again.. and.. yeah read York's description; she's smarter than me.. she described reality in a really interesting way..

anyways, family illnesses became more prominent, I got more anxious, "flower" happened... I "relapsed". Now my family is generally better.. and everything would be flowery as a flower rosebush if only this DP/DR would leave. DP IS SO FLOWERED UP

On a side note.. When I'm at my worst I like to describe DP/DR as like.. taking really obscure pills that make you feel really weird every single day of your life even though you don't want to.. or something along those lines.

I think I'm getting much better now.. don't know why, but I think I


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## xxcdawg

I have a few moments everyday where I feel somewhat normal.
I try to hold onto that feeling forever, but it never works


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## Guest

> Dreamer* wrote:
> I also hear from people who are 100% DP/DR-free that they literally "forget" what it was like to feel DP/DR.


This is exactly true. I have been in and out of dp once before. Mine was like a mini dp episode that was the precursor to chronic dp. It lasted a week. I woke up one morning with dp, exactly like with this round of it. It lasted a week and a half and then one morning it was gone. It was like York says, "When you recover, it's like awakening from a surreal and exhausting dream, you just can't believe, or even remember, where you've "been" all the time." It was EXACTLY like that. I just woke up and was like "Woah WTF was that?". The minute I was out of dp it was like I had just felt some really strange shadowy world. When I was in dp I couldn't remember my life before it set in (even though I only had it for a week) and then when I was out of it, I couldn't remember 95% of what happened that week I had dp. I was just normal again and was able to just shake off the whole dp episode and move on. Sadly, the moving on only lasted 2 weeks but still, I have that experience to cling to. I KNOW that I can come out of dp and I KNOW that reality will come as easily and effortlessly as breathing. It will feel like nothing has ever been any different. All of your old memories and emotions and quirks and experiences are there waiting for you. It literally felt like dp never happened.


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## peachy

tinyfairypeople said:


> It literally felt like dp never happened.


that's what i'm scared of. the only life i've had is depersonalized.


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## Guest

peachyderanged said:


> tinyfairypeople said:
> 
> 
> 
> It literally felt like dp never happened.
> 
> 
> 
> that's what i'm scared of. the only life i've had is depersonalized.
Click to expand...

You've never not had dp??

I think I worded that part wrong about my memories. Initially when I came out of dp I remembered very little of what happened during that dp period. Now that I am getting my memories back (I'm taking lamictal and I have all of my memories and the emotions attached to them back. I can remember everything from before dp and even some since dp) I can remember probably 95% of that inital dp period. I do remember many details. What I meant by saying that it felt like dp never happened is that my transition back into reality was completely smooth. It just felt like I had never been out of connection with reality. It wasn't forced like dp is. Like how we are constantly focused on our feelings and trying so hard to grasp some kind of constant in our lives. For me I constantly feel scared. I never feel like I know who or where I am. It's like an endless searching and when you are in reality, none of that happens. You just are. You just exist and you don't question it or how "reality" feels or your well being or your own thoughts.

Anyways, my point is that you will have memories once you get out of dp. I know FOR ME (I have no idea what anyone else deals with) that at the very beginning it was hard to remember what went on in that dp period but now, just 3 months later, I remember most of it. I highly doubt there is anything to be scared of. It won't be like waking up out of a coma and it won't be like your life with dp never happened. If you have had dp for so long that you don't remember ever not having it, yes, reality will be a new experience for you. The thing is that I do not believe that it will be a bad or scary feeling for you. Reality is just the natural state of being for humans. It's just the place we are supposed to live in and if anything, I think for you it will be a wonderful awakening. To be able to just exist without constant fear or searching or question. To feel the full spectrum of emotions and to physically see everything as it is. It will be beautiful. There is nothing to be scared of *hugs*


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## Guest

peachyderanged said:


> tinyfairypeople said:
> 
> 
> 
> It literally felt like dp never happened.
> 
> 
> 
> that's what i'm scared of. the only life i've had is depersonalized.
Click to expand...

You've never not had dp??

I think I worded that part wrong about my memories. Initially when I came out of dp I remembered very little of what happened during that dp period. Now that I am getting my memories back (I'm taking lamictal and I have all of my memories and the emotions attached to them back. I can remember everything from before dp and even some since dp) I can remember probably 95% of that inital dp period. I do remember many details. What I meant by saying that it felt like dp never happened is that my transition back into reality was completely smooth. It just felt like I had never been out of connection with reality. It wasn't forced like dp is. Like how we are constantly focused on our feelings and trying so hard to grasp some kind of constant in our lives. For me I constantly feel scared. I never feel like I know who or where I am. It's like an endless searching and when you are in reality, none of that happens. You just are. You just exist and you don't question it or how "reality" feels or your well being or your own thoughts.

Anyways, my point is that you will have memories once you get out of dp. I know FOR ME (I have no idea what anyone else deals with) that at the very beginning it was hard to remember what went on in that dp period but now, just 3 months later, I remember most of it. I highly doubt there is anything to be scared of. It won't be like waking up out of a coma and it won't be like your life with dp never happened. If you have had dp for so long that you don't remember ever not having it, yes, reality will be a new experience for you. The thing is that I do not believe that it will be a bad or scary feeling for you. Reality is just the natural state of being for humans. It's just the place we are supposed to live in and if anything, I think for you it will be a wonderful awakening. To be able to just exist without constant fear or searching or question. To feel the full spectrum of emotions and to physically see everything as it is. It will be beautiful. There is nothing to be scared of *hugs*


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## Guest

duplicate


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## Borisus

Dear Peachy,
I kind of feel like they ruined your post... hahaha.
I definitely agree though. You only hear of "I feel like 50% better!" What the hell does that even mean anymore? What do they mean by "better"? I have no idea what the hell "better" would feel like. It's a very foreign concept. Like DP to a person without it. Very strange sounding and fantastic(in the unreal sense).
Tommygunz had something a little closer to it... I'm going to link it if I can find his original post. The post actually shocked me into crying when I first read it.. it talked of getting memories of things that happened, seeing people how you used to see them, viewing life as your own for once... it was like a small voice somewhere DEEEEEP inside actually heard what my mind was reading and broke out in desperate tears. Fun stuff xD


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## Borisus

"Also, I think its true the other way around, that when your DP'd you can't really remember what it was like to not be DP'd" -Jessesaur
"I also hear from people who are 100% DP/DR-free that they literally "forget" what it was like to feel DP/DR." -Dreamer*

They call it a switchover/changeover. People with dissociative disorders get it. Just like with multiple personality disorder you changeover to other personality and can't recall(or even know) that the other exists or how they function.
I wish there was a way to bypass all the "safe-guards" my mind has set up to just say "ENOUGH with memory loss, depersonalization, depression, anxiety! Just let me live my life!" Sadly, the human brain is far too complex


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## weedDPeedMe

Borisus said:


> "Also, I think its true the other way around, that when your DP'd you can't really remember what it was like to not be DP'd" -Jessesaur
> "I also hear from people who are 100% DP/DR-free that they literally "forget" what it was like to feel DP/DR." -Dreamer*
> 
> They call it a switchover/changeover. People with dissociative disorders get it. Just like with multiple personality disorder you changeover to other personality and can't recall(or even know) that the other exists or how they function.
> I wish there was a way to bypass all the "safe-guards" my mind has set up to just say "ENOUGH with memory loss, depersonalization, depression, anxiety! Just let me live my life!" Sadly, the human brain is far too complex


One thing you guys are totally F'ing up is that you don't "come back into reality" your ALWAYS in reality, no matter how scary your thoughts are. Its when your not so LOCKED UP in your own head that you realize you haven't been interacting with the world like you used to. I for one have been through what is referred to as DP and I don't believe it is an accurate wording of the "disorder". It really should be called a symptom of anxiety which makes you feel slow, depressed feelings, depressing thoughts, excessive worrying, and irrational fears, not something scary like "depersonalization disorder". Whether or not it is a disorder is questionable. Some people have a tendency towards anxiety and others can recover from it. Thats all this is. If you wonder why people "can't remember what its like" well its because YOUR NO LONGER ANXIOUS, you don't care about what feelings you had because its just anxiety. For kids in their teens don't think "You have this forever because x and x had it for x years." That fuels this anxiety. When I finally became suicidal is when I learned that what I had was depression, when I learned that depression meds primarily REDUCE anxiety, and my DP WAS GONE- thats when I became aware of the connection. DP/DR is caused by a few fundamental factors...
--> An intellectual+ Anxiety+ obsessiveness= DP

since you can't get rid of the intellectual, you can get rid of the anxiety and obsessiveness, so there you have it.


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## peachy

weedDPeedMe said:


> One thing you guys are totally F'ing up is that you don't "come back into reality" your ALWAYS in reality, no matter how scary your thoughts are. Its when your not so LOCKED UP in your own head that you realize you haven't been interacting with the world like you used to. I for one have been through what is referred to as DP and I don't believe it is an accurate wording of the "disorder". It really should be called a symptom of anxiety which makes you feel slow, depressed feelings, depressing thoughts, excessive worrying, and irrational fears, not something scary like "depersonalization disorder". Whether or not it is a disorder is questionable. Some people have a tendency towards anxiety and others can recover from it. Thats all this is. If you wonder why people "can't remember what its like" well its because YOUR NO LONGER ANXIOUS, you don't care about what feelings you had because its just anxiety. For kids in their teens don't think "You have this forever because x and x had it for x years." That fuels this anxiety. When I finally became suicidal is when I learned that what I had was depression, when I learned that depression meds primarily REDUCE anxiety, and my DP WAS GONE- thats when I became aware of the connection. DP/DR is caused by a few fundamental factors...
> --> An intellectual+ Anxiety+ obsessiveness= DP
> 
> since you can't get rid of the intellectual, you can get rid of the anxiety and obsessiveness, so there you have it.


i think we are talking about two totally different things. you are talking about anxiety with a predisposition towards feelings of unreality which you are choosing to label "depersonalization". i am talking about depersonalization disorder. i dont understand why time and time again people try to refute this point. it is in the DSM. this disorder has been known for years upon years. it's a defense mechanism mixed with other wonderful mysteries. i understand what you are talking about. you are talking about the people that come on here who are anxious and have this as a symptom of anxiety. i'm not saying you can't be cured from depersonalization disorder. i'm not saying that anxiety doesn't fuel depersonalization disorder. i've just really had enough of being invalidated by people on this site when i've experienced dpd for enough years to see its many facets and had it during times when i was calm, happy, non-obsessive, and content.


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## Borisus

haha yeah Peachy,
I've also started to notice people post a lot just about anxiety and call it DPD. These "phases" they go through. I don't understand them, because my DPD doesn't come in phases, it's constantly occuring, doesn't come with panic attack because I'm so disconnected I don't notice them, and the little anxiety I do get is due to the DPD, it doesn't cause it. 
Although I totally understand why a lot of people would have a feeling of detachment, even if they don't have DPD. It is the world we live in, and what we have become. Which is why I won't talk against people with phases of detachment. They deserve to live in a free world as well, they deserve to have the real truth as well. We're all detached. No matter what our psyche is like.


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## weedDPeedMe

peachy said:


> i think we are talking about two totally different things. you are talking about anxiety with a predisposition towards feelings of unreality which you are choosing to label "depersonalization". i am talking about depersonalization disorder. i dont understand why time and time again people try to refute this point. it is in the DSM. this disorder has been known for years upon years. it's a defense mechanism mixed with other wonderful mysteries. i understand what you are talking about. you are talking about the people that come on here who are anxious and have this as a symptom of anxiety. i'm not saying you can't be cured from depersonalization disorder. i'm not saying that anxiety doesn't fuel depersonalization disorder. i've just really had enough of being invalidated by people on this site when i've experienced dpd for enough years to see its many facets and had it during times when i was calm, happy, non-obsessive, and content.


I am not at all trying to invalidate your situation I am sorry if that is how you took it.

But let me ask you this:

-Have your perceptions changed?
-Are You hallucinating?
-Is your visual representation of things different?
OR is it that you are perceiving your perceptions differently?

A picture of a giraffe is one thing. A zoomed in picture of its fur is still the giraffe, still the same thing, its just from a different perspective, its still unrecognizable in any case. I've experienced DP before- its a combination of feelings, I had it during a panic attack. I felt like I no longer existed, had "revelations" about infinity/nothingness, meaning/meaningless, constantly felt like life had to be a dream, felt like I had retreated from life into this unknown existence/non existence. See what I had was DPD to the point where I had no emotions, I wasn't anxious, I was depressed, I felt like nothing in its purest form. What helped me was CBT. I honestly believe DPD is really a combination of different conditions, like ADD is a myriad of problems/issues. 
The patterns I have noticed in DPD is these

-Precipitation starts from a traumatic event/depressive state
-Symptoms mimic Pure-O OCD, Hypochondria, GAD, Panic Disorder, Clinical Depression, and Bi-Polar.

Profile: People affected by DPD are generally very intelligent, sensitive, and deep thinking individuals on at least some level. When they're fight/flight response goes awry is when the DPD starts.

The symptoms:
-Obsessive Questioning of existential, and conceptual topics, often involving "who am I?" "What is THIS?" "Why do I exist" "Is this reality real?"
-The questioning usually causes anxiety to some level.
-The person feels that answering those questions will somehow give them closure, however they endlessly question their answers in an indefinite loop.
-Depression
-Feelings of unreality/depersonalization/derealization

Solution: The solution for DPD comes only when the individual no longer feels the need to answer such questions or question their answers to those questions. When the person can go on leading an ordinary life without further precipitations of these symptoms it is said that said person is cured.

Overall Outlook: For people with DPD (including myself), the symptoms are no different for people with DPD precipitating from any traumatic event. Marijuana is a common trigger to DPD, and is reported by feelings of "existential questioning". Once the anxiety from these questions are lost, the sufferer feels back to normal. Another common problem for people "recovering" is that they have an illusion of what "reality" must be, this conjured image can go deep into the person's psyche and cause them great distress, constantly in the fear that they are no longer "back". However these feelings are caused by continual thinking about whether or not they are "the same".

Medication: Medication that alleviates anxiety is commonly said to aid those with DPD, the questioning can go into the persons sub-conscious, making the person believe that just because the "questions" won't go away they are not "fixed". However attempting to stop these intrusive thoughts is futile, because thoughts seem to go into a void back into DPD like questioning. If they think about something else, they worry that their thoughts are still "fake" however. The only solution is to remove the anxiety associated with these thoughts. For many ordinary people, they go through these questions but without the obsession and anxiety caused by them.

Attempts to go back to previous drug use to "prove" that they're the same, or to "fix" the anxiety one has experienced while under the influence of said drug:
Some people who suffer from DP/DR try to go back to previous drug that caused the DP attempting to resolve any "problems" caused by the drug. However this is not recommended. One, if the drug is illicit, you don't know what your getting unless you know the person growing/selling personally. Or whoever is in charge of the manufacture of said chemical. Two, your brain is a biochemical balance, thoughts are affected by chemicals/chemical imbalances, said drug may further the imbalance causing unstoppable anxiety, and condition may worsen as a result. Three, the drug which started the problems may indicate a psychological disposition to a mental illness. This disposition may be exacerbated by further drug use. The thing to keep in mind is that, most people do not get DP from marijuana or a variety of drugs, but the fact that you do may be indicative of an underlying disposition. This disposition can range from anxiety/depression, consider DPD as a warning.

My personal experience with Marijuana causing my DPD which has now become dormant I take as a personal warning that I may have something greater underlying. I no longer worry if I am crazy/mentally ill, I know to an extent I am, but it can be SO much worse. I do not hallucinate or hear things/feel things, but I obsessing about such thoughts is not normal. But realizing that this IS reality and that this is the acceptance is how I resolved my DPD in about 3 and a half months from a horrific experience caused by marijuana. I never plan to go back, I avoid alcohol, I also have a therapist and am leading a happy and productive life. I have been to the deep depths of DPD, to the point where I felt I had become aware of the "matrix" we are in. However, I no longer obsess about that thought because I do not face anxiety from it. I can still introspect about life, and such without the DPD coming back in. It takes a certain level of confidence and trust to get back to normal but I believe you guys can still lead happy productive lives. A happy loving and supporting family works wonders, and therapists as well.


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## peachy

weedDPeedMe said:


> I am not at all trying to invalidate your situation I am sorry if that is how you took it.
> 
> But let me ask you this:
> 
> -Have your perceptions changed?
> -Are You hallucinating?
> -Is your visual representation of things different?
> OR is it that you are perceiving your perceptions differently?


these are all very valid points you've made. thank you for elaborating. when i get more time, i will come back to them. 
i have a couple questions though. have my perceptions changed from what as opposed to what? and also is my visual representation of things different from what? i'm just wondering what you are comparing to/what your sense of different means. 
and no, i am not hallucinating, although i'm sure this question was a bit rhetorical.


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## Borisus

weedDPeedMe said:


> The symptoms:
> -Obsessive Questioning of existential, and conceptual topics, often involving "who am I?" "What is THIS?" "Why do I exist" "Is this reality real?"
> -The questioning usually causes anxiety to some level.
> -The person feels that answering those questions will somehow give them closure, however they endlessly question their answers in an indefinite loop.
> -Depression
> -Feelings of unreality/depersonalization/derealization


Actually, only the last one is a valid symptom of DPD. The rest are things a person subjects themselves to. But they don't have to be present at all in order to have DPD.


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## Tommygunz

just so everyone is clear. this is the criteia neccesary for diagnosis of DPD according to the DSM-IV-TR code 300.6

DSM-IV-TR criteria
The diagnostic criteria defined in section 300.6 of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are as follows:

Persistent or recurrent feelings of being detached from one's mental processes or body; as if an observer 
During depersonalization, reality testing is intact 
Depersonalization causes significant distress, and impairment in social, occupational, or other functioning 
Depersonalization is not the result of another disorder, substance use, or general medical condition 
The DSM-IV-TR specifically recognizes three possible manifestations of depersonalization disorder:

Derealization, experiencing the external world as strange or unreal. 
Macropsia or micropsia, an alteration in the perception of object size or shape. 
A sense that other people seem unfamiliar or mechanical.


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## Tommygunz

hey peachy, i wanted to reply to the original post. it feels great. i feel things that i missed for so long. you know, simple things. like the peaceful yet energizing feeling of the early morning sun on your face, or the smell of a fresh cup of coffee. stuff like looking at a beautiful view and feeling how beautiful it is. right when i first came back to reality i went to the top floor of the tallest building in my city just to look out the windows and see the view in the way i couldn't for so long, it took my breath away. another thing that was awesome about recovering was seeing my family the way i used to, it was so refreshing, it felt like i hadn't seen them in so long. i now wake up every morning and go outside with a cup of fresh decaf coffee and stand in the sun happy to be there for the beginning of a new day. i believe that the ultimate lesson to learn from DP, is to never take life for granted, it's more beautiful than many people will ever realize.


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## peachy

thank you tommy. you perfectly understood.


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## Borisus

Tommygunz said:


> hey peachy, i wanted to reply to the original post. it feels great. i feel things that i missed for so long. you know, simple things. like the peaceful yet energizing feeling of the early morning sun on your face, or the smell of a fresh cup of coffee. stuff like looking at a beautiful view and feeling how beautiful it is. right when i first came back to reality i went to the top floor of the tallest building in my city just to look out the windows and see the view in the way i couldn't for so long, it took my breath away. another thing that was awesome about recovering was seeing my family the way i used to, it was so refreshing, it felt like i hadn't seen them in so long. i now wake up every morning and go outside with a cup of fresh decaf coffee and stand in the sun happy to be there for the beginning of a new day. i believe that the ultimate lesson to learn from DP, is to never take life for granted, it's more beautiful than many people will ever realize.


You did this thread justice Tommy, as always


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## pancake

Jessesaur said:


> I think thats really true. Also, I think its true the other way around, that when your DP'd you can't really remember what it was like to not be DP'd. This is something I am starting to figure out with myself. It really seems like I have been DP'd my whole life, but I think that maybe my memory just doesn't record weather I was DP'd or not at a given moment in my life. Its VERY confusing. Anyway, I think it has something to do with altered states of consciousness and how the mind almost uses separate memory banks for each... or something like that. I dunno if I'm making any sense what so ever, but this is the type of thing I am thinking about all the time... I'm sure that when I get well, this stuff simply won't matter any more.


Definitely true of me. I forgot I ever had it. (it's episodic and nothing as severe as it was back in the day). When I say I forgot: I did not forget events during the period I had it, I just forgot DP/DR played such a major role in my day to day at the time.

I am interested now if one day I'll just forget again LOL Mind you, having spent such a lot of time posting here I have a feeling my brain might retain the information this time round


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## Gracey

Dear Peachy,

You'r right that it can be nice to read about 'personalization/realization'. In my case my dp and dr is getting less and less after years and years of therapy and changing myself and my life. Now I'm in my last 'personalization'-stage. Difficult is that even the last stage goes in stages, f.e. my dr is partly still there, my dp is gone. I hope someone cured recognize this?? This process is amazing. But getting real is not easy for me, because now I feel the main-trauma (dp used to cover it) and I feel fear/sadness because of the weight of the memory on this trauma. But this will not be the case with everyone with dp! And I'm going to talk about this trauma carefully next week.

But getting real is great too! Nice is that you feel alive, you feel as a part of your surroundings, everything cost less energy, f.e. talking with people, doing practical things, concentrating. You feel the weight of your body, your memories go together with visual images in your head plus feelings. And things you do or where you talk about with someone give you feelings.

lots of love,
Gracey - Holland (*)

*And no, I don't have an anxiety/panic disorder, in my case it's been a dissociative problem (not disorder)


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## janier

peachy said:


> I really wish there were more recovery stories on here that talked about the emotions that people begin to feel and the sense of life they have inside of them. That's how I've felt in my moments of what I think were "glimpses of reality". But all I seem to read are people that sound like rountined machined omtimistic upbeat zombie robots. That they were cured through working out, eating right, sleeping right, taking care of themselves, or accepting depersonalization. I was just waiting to hear that rush of life coming at them, like the small moments that I've felt. But I'm always disappointed by how drone-y people sound returning to post their recovery stories. I guess what I'm asking is that I'd rather hear what it's like to feel recovered**, alive, real, connected, and not what you did to get there. If there is one person that could show me or write this, it'd potentially make my month.
> 
> (recovered** because it seems it's not a certain moment you are just better but that it comes with time).


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## janier

peachy, I can relate to glimpses of reality, fleeting by, feelings and I guess other things in you mentioned (short-term memory loss, and generalizations are my forte); anyway how it feels to be "better"; all I can say is I am not as far removed feeling from reality as I was and the difference feels like there is more weight and importance to things and the world is much more 3-D and solid seeming. I feel more anchored to a place and thereby less floaty and that means I can sense more the individual place has some kind of a feeling to it. I guess that gives more of a feeling of significance to myself. It is all relative though as I feel like I have further to go. I feel like I made progress, am making progress and that gives hope that more is possible. I guess it gives me a feeling sometimes that I exist a little more (when I get a more acute sensation of it) and all is more defined and I am more defined feeling. That everything still feels like nothing, which I still get alot of, is now in a better setting as I view the world, reality around me. I am waiting yet, for all this realism and 3-D'er stuff to really have a feel to it. That I now live in the mountains to have a feel to it. That is still not there. I remember my past life when, before some big over, when I was transported out of the more individualistic kind of world, into this newer impersonal kind of one, when (trips to) the mountains had a specific feel to it; the seaside and beach had a specific feel to it, etc. Now nothing really has the specific feel to it, but it is a lot better than looking out and seeing all flatness, further out world that I am disconnected from, that is not solid, grayer, impersonal looking, nothing real----etc., That made me feel really a lot worse. I know I mentioned much more of the negative or non-ness of all, but the gains I guess make me feel less worse. I still have a way to go. Selegiline (a moai-







at a low dose of 5 mg. a day, originally in the Emsam patch version, brought about the change above, but I switched to the oral form due to the expense of the patch. I responded to Napper, in the medications column, if you are interested in finding out more about it. I try and keep plugging away at it. I get periods now of a real feeling on me, rather than seeing the dreary, impersonal, flat, etc. world further out that I prev. lived in---this sharper yukky feeling on me a lot of the time is not pleasant but maybe it comes with improvement in that there was a reason we escaped reality in the first place (theory) and substituted the direct bad feelings into that derealization/depersonalization version---so I don't think feeling more or "better" is all pleasant. It is more direct feeling onto your body is what I have experienced. Still waiting for things to feel like something, as mentioned earlier, things in the world to have a feel to them. For me things (world I live in) doesn't feel or seem so awful, but at this point, am waiting for things to feel like something and thereby have some kind of individual feeling to them. Don't know how much I rambled or repeated myself, sorry for that, but if I have to go through this and edit it all, it could end up maybe even more jumbled. janier


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## Brando2600

I've had the ocasional glimpse of reality, only for a couple seconds every few days... whenever it happens I really try to take in what it's like and remember what is is to be connected with reality, but at the same time I dare not to think too much or move to quick to click myself back to my half consciousness.


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