# Feeling like I may be starting to recover



## Guest (Jun 19, 2016)

Hey guys. This is going to be the last time i visit this forum for a while I think, as I don't think there's really much else I can get from it (I must have read so many of the threads on here more than once!) and it tends to just bring me down.

For a while now i've been suffering from DP/DR. My main symptom has been existential thoughts and obsessive hyperawareness of my own consciousness and thinking process. I think these were as a result of the classic DP affliction of feeling like an outside observer of one's thoughts which made me perceive my own ability to 'create' thoughts as something strange and alien. One of the things that's assured me is that i've actually had thoughts like this before without being afraid of them at all, more just mildly perplexed. In truth, consciousness is a rather strange thing, but it's nothing to be afraid of. I remember genuinely feeling that as i stepped off the bus just now when I was out wandering around listening to music. I appreciate that not everyone feels exactly this way, however I seem to find a lot of DP/DR sufferers who are freaked out by their very existence. I know the feeling, it's so horrible. I heard somebody on here describe it as being 'like a fish afraid of water' and that is so true.

Anyway, i'm not completely recovered yet, by any means. I'm not even nearly recovered, i don't think. I still feel a lot of anxiety at this point, and bewildered by my own existence, but I feel a little more in control, and i'm beginning to at least remember what it's like to be normal. Today I went to the shops in town in London where I live to buy something for my Dad for Father's Day tomorrow at HMV (it's a shop where they sell CDs and DVDs and stereo equipment etc). I must have been in there for a good 15 minutes and not once did I have any of my DP/DR/Existential thoughts. It only really struck me that that was the case when i was 2 minutes down the road, and obviously it all kicked back in again shortly after, but I feel like it was quite an achievement. Today hasn't been anything like what I was pre-DP/DR, but it was relatively good and I feel as if I'm on the road to recovery. I feel like its going to be a slow process but I also feel i'm on the right track and feel more hopeful than I have done over the course of my DP/DR/Hyperawareness Pure-O/whatever. I'm at least a tiny bit better than I was before I started my current approach to recovery. The main point is that i feel as if i'm at least managing DP/DR better than before.

So what have I done to get to where I am at the moment? The first thing that really turned things around for me was what a lot of folks on here seem to refer to as 'distraction', that is, doing something to 'take your mind' off of DP/DR. I'm hesitant to use this terminology because I think it sort of gives off the wrong kind of message. It's hard to simply distract yourself from DP thoughts, especially when they're so chronic and unforgiving. When I read and attempted to follow such advice, i felt enormous pressure to suppress and not think at all about my obsessions and DP/DR symptoms as I tried to re-engage with my old pastime and work activities, although perhaps that's just the way I interpreted the advice. Either way, I wouldn't advise you to attempt to 'distract' yourself as I did. I would say just get on with your old activities that you used to love, while accepting that you're going to have the horrible obsessive thinking. In my case it was making music. Making music is something I've done for a while and involves a lot of processes, such as writing, producing, recording and mixing/mastering. The first two processes I avoided because they weren't as practical as the second two. The task itself, when i first attempted it was so daunting. I could hardly muster even the slightest bit of motivation, but I did it anyway. I figured it was better than laying in bed all day. I was actually hungover at the time so my DP was terrible and I felt so uncomfortable. After about 30 minutes I actually started to feel a little less anxious and dreadful. Now here's the CRUCIAL thing: I allowed myself to have the thoughts as I was working. I let the horrible thoughts and feelings happen in me as I worked and I carried on working THROUGH it, no matter how defeatist or frightening or overwhelming. It was so hard at first, every atom in me wanted to give up and I just wanted to go and cry in my bed as I always do when things get really rough. But something in me compelled me to keep going. I soon applied this to more aspects of my life. I stopped avoiding social outings and situations. Whenever i'd get invited out somewhere my anxiety would, at least for a few minutes, skyrocket completely. This lead me to become slightly reclusive, but not cut myself off completely. I started going out to places not just to placate my friends whom I assumed were getting tired of me bailing on them constantly, but to try and enjoy it as I would normally. I actually re-ignited a friendship with a guy who I haven't been seeing much of in the last year but used to hang out with quite a bit. We played Mario Kart 8 together and, I wasn't 100% while playing, shit I wasn't even 30% but there were times where I had fun. I came home that day feeling slightly less on-edge. I started trying to read again. Reading was a real nightmare for me because I felt like the more I tried to read the worse my DP got because i'd just get frustrated that my mind would wander back to my horrible existential ruminating. Well this did, and still does happen, but the more i persevered with it, the easier it got. I feel like I can read and retain information a little better these days. I used to discuss things such as politics and history with myself (strange I know, but it was something I used to do!), sometimes for hours pre-DP. Ever since i've been reading more i've started doing this again out of habit, which i think is a good sign. So, to summarise, i would say what has helped me is not 'distraction', but more perseverance.

Now I don't want you to think that i'm saying you have a weak resolve if you can't simply 'persevere' with your life. I know how hard this is. Past activities and endeavours feel so futile and daunting. But with time (and I cannot stress this enough you MUST give yourself time!!) i've conditioned myself to start living my life as usual again, almost especially when I don't feel like it. Somehow now, the more I feel anxious and depersonalised, the more I want to carry on with my life. It sounds ridiculous I know. But I fully believe that you cannot 'think' your way out of DP or whatever it is I, and indeed you might be going through. don't sit around waiting for answers, or some kind of epiphany, or do things simply to keep up an act so that other people don't worry about you or ask you what's wrong or whatever. Try and get on with your pre-DP life because YOU WANT TO. Do the things you love, get productive. I think this advice should apply to many of the people on this forum because a lot of you seem to be creative types. I guess i'm lucky because I enjoy doing something that is productive, but I'm pretty sure you must do too.

Another thing that has helped me is 'acceptance', another common piece of advice I see on here. This really ties in with the whole distraction thing I think, because I think you have to do both these things together. I mentioned how, while I was working on my music I would allow myself to have my DP thoughts and suchlike. What I also do when i get the thoughts is try to 'accept' them. When I heard this advice previously, I was again quite confused. I felt like I didn't know if I was doing it right or if I would ever know the true meaning of 'acceptance'. This is because I was overthinking the meaning of the word. What I now understand it to be is that acceptance just means 'let it happen'. This may seem obvious to some of you, and it is obvious when you think about it like that. When you get these wild thoughts and feelings, simply let it happen. Let them come and don't fight them. when anxiety arises you just have to go through it. Not around it, or not through it at all, but right through it. This is simple but hard. It's a simple idea that one can just let anxiety happen without flinching and just see it through to the other side, but so hard in practice. But the more you do it, the better you get. It doesn't get much easier, you just get a lot better at it. AND you really must do this as you get on with doing the things you love. Live your life as you would like to, and when the DP thoughts come, let them come and carry on doing what you're doing. Don't try and ignore it, just continue what you're doing. This is harder, as i have found, when it comes to doing things like reading a book, however. But in social situations, studying, work and making music I have found this combination of perseverance and 'let it happen' to be quite a winning combination. And as the anxiety has decreased (even only slightly), I feel like i've built up some kind of momentum, which allows me to read books better and have other worries resurface (it actually feels great to be worried about things like girls and my looks etc again!).

This is not going to be easy for a lot of you, but that's not to say you can't do it. Also, don't fall into the trap of thinking that there's a certain intelligence you must have to apply my advice above and recover or worry about whether or not you're doing it 'right'. What has helped me is actually quite simple, its just incredibly hard.

If things get really bad, it may be worth seeing a psychiatrist. Therapy can be useful, particularly CBT (i think my approach here is fairly CBT-esque) although i'm no expert on that. Medication may also be useful although I don't know. My DP/DR was actually triggered as a side-effect of Sertraline (Zoloft) after it gave me a panic attack. But I do know that certain medications can help take the edge off of any chronic and debilitating depression and anxiety you may be experiencing. Taking medication therefore may help you try and get on with your life as i advised before. I know how horrible it feels. The feelings of futility, hopelessness, anxiety and existential depression are unreal. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I must say to those people who have had this condition for years, that you guys are the most resilient fuckers I have ever come across. I could not imagine putting up with this for as long as some of you have. DP/DR has made me LONG for the days of simple depression and anxiety. That's not to say that those things are 'easy' to deal with, it's just that, in my experience, DP/DR has been a whole new level of tough.

As far as diet/exercise goes, I haven't really made too many changes here. That's not to say I don't think these things are less important, it's just that i'm lazy. Although I have started taking a multivitamin capsule each morning for about a month or so now and more recently I've been taking a 15mg zinc supplement each morning. I read somewhere that symptoms of dp/dr may result or be exacerbated by zinc deficiency or a build up of copper in one's system. I would look into this if you can relate to what you may find through googling 'copper personality', but i would take this one with a pinch of salt to be honest, as there doesn't seem to be all too much information on it. Also, drink a lot of water. Aim for 2 litres a day. This has helped me quite a bit I think as I tend to feel less mentally (and physically) drained throughout the day as a result of drinking more water, it seems. This makes me feel more well-equiped for the task of getting on with my activities and going though my anxious episodes when they arise.

Cut down on drugs and alcohol. I'm pretty guilty of not doing this. I've smoked cannabis three times (all while at least kind of drunk) during my DP and each time i've felt like shit the next day. Drinking, initially made me feel like shit the next day, but since i'm young and me and my friends like to party, i've kind of just drank so many nights that it doesn't appear to affect my DP/DR anymore. I personally don't believe in a blanket ban on alcohol, but i would recommend you cut down on it while you master the above techniques. Alcohol can make you feel more anxious in the morning which will contribute to your general state of anxiety. With that being said, if you convince yourself that drinking alcohol will make your anxiety worse then it almost definitely will. this was the case for me until i had enough hangovers to realise that the anxiety was more to do with my own anticipation of it than the alcohol itself.

Also, try and stay away from this forum and googling about dp/dr. I know it's hard at first, but it became quite compulsive for me. coming back here can be comforting in the short-run, but it won't really help you.

I have to say, starting to recover from dp/dr has actually been a lot stranger and more indescribable than the condition itself. I hope one day that i'll find it hard to relate to my current dp self, in the same way that i find it hard to relate to my old pre-dp self. But please just give yourself time, I cannot stress that enough. Don't feel under pressure to recover so quickly. It takes time to recover, but you will recover! It might take days, weeks even months but you can do it!

Also check these out:






i know this forum isn't too big of a fan of Harris Harrington, and neither am I because of how he charges so much for his 10-hour programme or whatever, but most of his free youtube videos are quite useful, particularly this one!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hope-Help-Nerves-Claire-Weekes/dp/0801535824/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466296527&sr=1-4

this book helped me deal with my initial panic and anxiety that i got when i first dealt with dp/dr. If you're reading this now as somebody who deals with panic attacks frequently, i would recommend this book. I was really recommend you also get this as an audiobook from audible, as the audiobook is actually an old reading of the book by the author herself, who reads in a very comforting and reassuring way. It's old fashioned stuff, and not specifically aimed at dp sufferers (although it does interestingly contain an uncanny section on 'feelings of unreality') but very useful

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Depersonalization-Feelings-Unreality-Books/dp/1845295544/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466080197&sr=1-1&keywords=overcoming+depersonalization+and+feelings+of+unreality

this book contains a lot of information and CBT tactics you can use to help overcome DP/DR. I got this book within the first few weeks of my DP and it made a little bit of a difference. It was useful to get to know about DP/DR (or DPAFU as they refer to it)

Thanks for reading my post guys and i hope it helps at least some of you.


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## illmatic (Apr 16, 2016)

Great post, thanks. Glad you are feeling better! It definitely sounds like you are on the road to full recovery. I've heard a lot of people recommend Claire Weeks books, I think I will check that one out.

Please come back and let us know when you do reach full recovery!


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