# Dealing with Difficult People



## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

I'm gonna try to make this as short and to the point as possible. So I have this aunt, my mom's sister. And she's always been a b*tch. It's just her nature. But, lately I think she's gone off the deep end. Every few years she decides she hates my mom and doesn't speak to her for a couple of years. For usually no reason. She used to use the excuse that my mom was in a bad marriage and until my mom left my dad she would not have anything to do with her.

But now, her anger is completely out of the blue. She sends my mom these letters all the time telling her what a horrible person she is. Now, keep in mind my mom is like the sweetest person ever. She's had her depression problems in the past but this in no way has ever affected this aunt. But it's like, now my mom is doing well, making good money, out of the bad marriage, and is finally happy for the first time in years. And I think this is what bugs the aunt.

My aunt writes my mom letters saying all her and I (she's decided to hate me too) do is brag about how much money we make. I'm a graduate student and intern making a teeny salary. She says we never help out with my grandparents. We live out of town and both work all the time. My aunt lives in town, is on disability, and will not even sit with my granddaddy when my grandma has to go to doctors appointments. Grandaddy had a stroke and needs someone with him at all times. So my mom has to drive 2 hours to sit with granddaddy so grandma can go to her appointments, because my aunt who lives a mile down the road from my grandparents is too busy pouting/shopping/creating drama with her friends, to sit with him. Yet, my mom and I do nothing for him. My mom has to mark her calender to take off work when my grandma has future appointments to sit with grandaddy. On the two days out of the week my mom has off.

Recently my granddaddy had to go to the hospital, and my mom didn't know about it yet because she was working 3rd shift. My grandma needed to go downstairs at the hospital to call my mom and tell her (my moms a nurse) and my aunt wouldnt stay in the hospital room so grandma could call my mom and tell her granddaddy was in the hospital.

We've had a few family functions lately, grandaddys b-day and my cousins housewarming party (my aunts daughter who she did not raise, my grandparents raised her). Well, first my aunt said if my mom comes, she won't come. Of course she came anyway and makes snide remarks to my mom the whole time. My mom takes it personally and it hurts her feelings, and we want so bad to just cuss her out but it would just upset the whole family and make everything worse and upset my grandparents. This aunt actually sends my grandma mean letters too but she buys cards, write the mean note in it, and mails it to her. My 80-year old grandma. Keep in mind also that my grandparents are like June and Ward Cleaver. Really normal, wholesome, good ol' folks.

So my question is, what would you do or have you done in situations with a$$hole relatives? What should we do? It's just starting to piss us off more and more as time goes by. We've just been ignoring her which pisses her off even more, but it's hard to ignore it at a party when she constantly makes under the breath comments.

I've rambled enough. I just had to get it off my chest.


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## Homeskooled (Aug 10, 2004)

She sounds like a borderline personality to me - " I hate you - dont leave me. " Its part of the whole DP/temporal lobe package. Do you think your DP just exists in a vacuum? 10 to 1 you've inherited some of your neural eccentricities from other relatives. Hopefully it doesnt manifest in you the way it does in her - perhaps you control your temper better and instead take out the anxiety on yourself - but what would you want other people to do for you if your problems manifested that way? Would anything help? Honestly, for some of these people, the only way to change the tempermant is to use medicines, such as anticonvuslants for borderline personality disorder. Lamictal happens to be used for just that. Odd how these things overlap. For some borderlines, they only improve with age or after menopause. For some, therapy helps. Maybe calling her on this would help, but I imagine only in the short term. In the long term she probably needs to admit she has a problem and get help.

Peace
Homeskooled


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

I was actually wondering today if she does have bpd, but I don't think that's what it is. She's not traumatized and sad the way many borderlines are. She's just a b*tch.

On a side note, people always say mental illness is hereditary and mentally ill people have relatives with problems. I agree, but the thing is, I don't know of any family that isn't full of crazy people. Everyone I know has a dad with problems or a mom or sibling, aunt, uncle, etc. But you're right, my aunt takes out her pain on others and I probably take mine out on myself. I always joke with my family that with my mental problem, it doesn't really affect anyone but me. But with other people like bipolar and borderlines it affects everyone. Most people never know when I'm suffering. Except my therapist, cause I never talk about it to anyone. I've gotten to the point where I'm just tired of trying to explain panic disorder to people that will never understand. In the beginning I told people and got all the usual confused looks. Now I just suffer in silence basically. Which helps because I don't dwell on it so much.


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

doublepost


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## sleepingbeauty (Aug 18, 2004)

vampires exist. your aunt is a vampire, and you are giving her exactly what she wants. by wasting your time and energy being upset over this and allowing her behavior to get under your skin, you are only adding fuel to the fire that she shoves under your a$$. mind you, its a fire thats been burning her a$$ for her whole life probably, and she blames everyone else for it, when she is the one holding the matches. remember this because its very important.

*WE CREATE OUR OWN REALITY.*

people can b!tch all they want about how so and so does this to me, and whats happening to me isnt my fault, when in reality, everything that you experience in this life, is just a reflection of how you see the world around you. if you really wanted to, you can change all of it. the ball is in your court and it will always be in your court. no one is keeping it from you except you. your aunt, and others like her, will dissagree with this. and the longer they dissagree, the longer they will remain in the grip of their self inflicted suffering.

thus, by being angry, dwelling, having animosity for her, you are mearly stoking the flame. the flame that burns you, burns her even more, whipping her into even more of a rage to get back at you.. and on and on it goes. she wants you to feel as she feels, because misery loves company. and as a vampire, she is stealing your energy making you weaker. its a sick way to get off, but thats her addiction. im not saying you will make her happier by falling into her trap. because to get off on suffering is not true happiness. all you are doing is becoming her. and do you really want to be like her?

of course not.

you first have to release this anger and this building of walls. the higher you build your wall against her attack, the higher she will build hers to counter. so basically, you are wasting all your time in fruitless effort. again and again. just like the opening to your post, you say this is a cycle with your aunt. and it will continue, unless someone stops it. its obvious, that she will not. so it is up to you. you have to be the rational one.

always remember, to be just and righteous in all your comings and goings. wherever you go, always extend the hand of love and light. sometimes the hand must be firm, but you will be surprized how little effort is involved. your aunt needs love. as hard as you want to give her a dose of her own darkness, you cannot. because the darkness will overcome you, and you will continue the cyle and continue to be in this state of anger and frustration. so now you have to decide if thats where you truly want to be. believe it or not, people actually do want that. they do get off on suffering, even if it is their own.

love your aunt.

when you see her, smile and embrace her. when she pulls away, pull her closer. when she mutters under her breath, sit with her, talk to her, hold her hand. fill her with love. your aunt is an open and festering wound that desperately needs tending to. she needs attention. sounds wrong doesnt it? why give someone attention when they dont deserve it? that kind of thinking is the problem in itself. when we think of attention, we think of the wrong kind. she needs love. love is the only weapon we have against evil. you cant fight evil with evil. its like that old saying, 'fighting for peace, is like f#cking for virginity.'


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

Thanks sb. I needed that. Good advice. As always  I will try to remember her suffering and her good side. Even though she makes me crazy. But luckily I don't have to live in the same town as her.


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

it seems to me that she wants to be the victim all the time so if she isn't actually being victimized she'll make up something in her mind. people like that drive me absolutely _crazy_! i had an insane sister-in-law who had the "victim" complex (among many other things...she was one messed up lady and she made my brother miserable for a few years). it sucks that you have to deal with that all the time and it's even worse that your mom takes it so seriously. the most terrible thing about people who are always victims, is that no matter what you say or do, they will find sick enjoyment and fulfillment from it, because you are "being mean to them". you will never be able to change your aunt, you can only change your own perception of your aunt's behaviour.

perhaps it would help to sit your aunt down and say, "i'm so sorry you feel like the victim all the time, but you would be a much happier person if you could realize what the truth of the situation is...perhaps you should get some professional help for what is clearly delusional thinking? we are _all_ worried about you because it seems that you are sinking even deeper into your own world and we would hate for you to have a break with reality altogether." say it in a very caring and rational way. even if she doesn't get the help she clearly needs, i think it would feel really good to say something like that to a b1tch like your aunt.


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## enngirl5 (Aug 10, 2004)

Oh she's a total victim. I have a few people in my life life that. My dad is a victim too but he's not as bad as her. I had a boyfriend who used tell me I was acting like a "victim" and I guess we all do sometimes, but then there are those who's lives revolve around who hurt them and did them wrong. This is my aunt. I hate people like that. But I can joke with my dad about his victim behavior now. He was complaining about something recently, and I said "Well, I guess that's John's fault?(my uncle)" My dad laughed and said sarcastically, "well you don't think it's _my_ fault do you?" Of course not. :roll:


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## agentcooper (Mar 10, 2005)

that's good that your dad can joke about it...most "victims" i know are extremely narcissistic and probably won't ever realize what they are doing.


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