# Honesty is not always



## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

........the best policy.

*edit: this is me being pouty, and is directed at a couple of members particularly. If you have anything else to do - do it instead.*

Since probably.............late high school, but even much more so after becoming DP, I have tended to be quite open, and honest. Back in school it was the games I was becoming tired of. People pretending to be nice so as to further some personal agenda, pretending to like one girl so as to get to another, the gossiping, sucking up to the teacher in an effort to make a grade, that sort of thing. I finally got tired of it and decided to just be me. 
After I woke up DP'ed, being open and honest took on a whole new importance. As my grip on reality became more tenuous, my need for truth became that much more important. Lying, game playing became actually dangerous for my mental health. I needed to hold on to every piece of truth I could. That continues to this day. I am not open and honest in an attempt to be noble, or honorable. I do it because to do otherwise might kill me. One little lie might be what pushes me over into complete UN-reality.

In real life, I find that people either appreciate this approach, or become nervous by it. I have been called rude, blunt, too honest.......many things. All because I tend to say what I think. And I don't limit myself to talking about what I think of the weather - I just tend to say what I think whenever I happen to be thinking it. This has landed me in trouble more than once. Admittedly I still have to play certain social games in order to maintain employment and that sort of thing, but generally speaking, I pretty much call a spade a spade. It makes me very anxious to NOT do that. A result of this way of being is that every now and then I will say something about myself or others that people find objectionable. I am judged. Tried and convicted, even if it's something that others may agree with, things that they may themselves be thinking. All because I'm open about it.

Can't remember when...............must be several weeks ago now, I started a thread about game playing. Playing games with people. I noted that I am guilty of such a thing, and pointed out that it's not something I'm particularly proud of. "My worst trait" was the title of it I think. Seems to me there were many responses, many of which were judgemental, and negative. All of the responses were based on individual interpretations of what "playing games" with people actually means. It soon became clear to me that I include much more under that heading than others do. Because, ladies and germs, simple fact is - if you can tell me you've never played games (by my definition), you are either a) not human; or b) a liar. 
Anyway, thankfully the thread finally slid off the page and I didn't have to see any more mean responses. 
Turns out though, I am still taking shit for it. 
All because I was being open and honest. I will not stop being open and honest. I can't - as I said above that would be dangerous for me. Because of the DP, I simply have to pursue the truth as much as possible. If that truth happens to be a trait of mine that I find less than attractive, then so be it. I need to get it out in the open.

So, and realizing this may me important only to me (although it is directed at a couple of member here in particular) - yes, I play games. Based on observation, I think it's safe to say I play far fewer games with people than do most others. Um..................I flirt. That, to me, is a game. And, to me, so long as everyone is involved is O.K. with it, I think is healthy, positive, natural, and fun. I have no problem with that at all. But it's still playing games. 
One game I seem to play quite a bit, even unconsciously, is what I've been talking about. Being open and honest with people. Just to see how they will react. I hate to categorize folks, but the reactions seem to fall into one of two boxes: a person appreciates me for being honest with them. These are people I consider as potential friends. I can say what I think, and they will accept me for it. Then there is the other type - those who become nervous, judgemental, etc. These are people who I am unable to trust. Their reactions indicate what I have said to them is hitting close to home somehow, yet they are unable to be open and honest with me in return. The playing games thread I mentioned earlier. That brought out some interesting responses. People becoming all indignant, saying what a terrible thing playing games is, etc. Even though they themselves play games. At least by my definition. Took me awhile to sort things out with several folks here after that, in most cases because people were assuming I meant something different when talking about "games". And that's fine, I hope I managed to put out some fires simply by discussing it further with them. A couple of people though..............just can't seem to let go of it. Can't seem to let themselves see that what I was talking about is something they themselves do. The only difference between us in this area being that I am able to be open and honest about it. With myself, and others.

I will continue to be open and honest. With regards to playing games with people - for those of you who have never ............... smiled at someone when you really didn't want to, or said something nice to the boss even though you would have rather punched them, or made meaningless chit-chat with a neighbor just because you thought you were supposed to, or flirted with someone just because it's fun, or had to be nice to a customer who is clearly out of line, or had to pretend to like your mother-in-law to keep peace in the family, or any of the countless other games people play - congratulations. You are a better person than me. 
For the rest of you (i.e. all of you) who suffered through this post, thank you for reading it. If there was any point to it, it's this - I will continue to play my game of being open and honest. I will no doubt come up with other things I consider wrong with me, and post about it here. And you will all have another chance to take pot-shots at me. 
Even if it's for being just like you.


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2005)

> if you can tell me you've never played games (by my definition), you are either a) not human; or b) a liar.


there is also a third option: c) not aware, and terrified to ever becoming aware, that you are way too much like the people you judge.

Other than that small omission, I agree with your sentiments, sc.

See,that's why you're always accusing me of flirting with you. You know how you always say I'm writing innuendo to you in posts, or that I PM you every day with new photos of myself? Or....oh, wait, right, that's not what you say...that's what I say about YOU. (evil grin)

Point is, boundaries are the issue: is it YOU or is it ME that I judge and condemn? Is it live or Memorex?

Part of getting well is learning to own our less than stellar traits - and not need to project them out into everyone else, so our own moral stance remains pristine.

Love,
J


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## Martinelv (Aug 10, 2004)

I read your post Sc, and I think I know what you're talking about. It's a tricky one for sure, but don't apologise for who you are, or think you have to. As Janine points out, healing almost certain involves some kind of self-acceptance. I know exactly what kind of person I am. Each one of my myriad of faults is like a festering sore, but I don't care. I haven't killed anyone (yet), and I don't set fire to kittens (yet), so I live with myself quite happily (on the surface anyway, damn my unconscious) until someone invents a personality transplant machine. If that ever arrives, I'm not even sure I'd want one. Probably break the machine anyway, sucking out my putrid soul.

My moral stance is, well, dubious to say the least. But I don't care about that either.


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## person3 (Aug 10, 2004)

sc don't let those people get you down. no one is worth twisting your mental state to keep as a friend.

and if those people are bothered by it, fuck them! they play games too. duh.


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## gimpy34 (Aug 10, 2004)

I agree with Janine. The worst are people who are unaware they are playing games because they do it to no end and without conscience. Like one of my ex-girlfriends for example.

It is kind of sh*tty when people know they are playing games because they are doing it for some conscience gain. If their games backfire, they feel its effects. But, yet again some people who know they are playing games have no conscience.

Most people tell me I'm a straight shooter, which is good in that I don't play a lot of games, but is bad, because honesty is not always the best policy and find my self getting into touble with some straightforward things I say.


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## shadowness (Sep 12, 2004)

honesty and truth is something that means much more since dp and dr too...

lying to me is now something that really bothers me...it nags and makes me feel even more unreal so i try and be as honest and truthful to everyone about everything and anything...

but even when telling the truth, there are different ways in saying it...

you can either use the thruth to sound provoking and sarcastic or nasty or you can use the truth with consideration and tact...

i think that telling the truth needs to be thought about and worded appropriately no matter what the honest answer is...

we need to be considerate if we are to voice our opinions, whatever our opinions...after all we can only see what others type...it can be so easily misinterperated...

a little more consideration can really help keep things calm...

and i am NOT talking about anyone in particular...just as a general thing...with me included :lol:


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## Guest (Mar 13, 2005)

If you dont want the consequences, then its best to not be honest.
However, not being honest, has consequences as well.
If you're willing to take the risk of being honest, then you have to be willing to take the consequences, its part of it, I think its as simple as that, Sc.
So what Im saying is, that you cannot expect to get no (unwanted) reactions when you choose to be honest, like you did in your 'Worst Traits' thread. They are there, as you've found out. One doesnt go without the other.


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