# Hospitality.



## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

Hello. Not my first forum and certainly not my last, let's see how long this one will endure my focus. Suffer my icy glare, all.

Upon arrival the first thing I happened to notice was that my profile has twenty views. It was six yesterday, and has quickly been scaling upwards. I am uneasy, just a tad unsettled at that. Excluding votes on a couple of polls, I have not outwardly participated in the forum. I can only wonder with mingled curiosity, reflect over how anyone could have possibly found my profile. Perhaps this forum is manifested with pedophiles, and the username "LOLiTA" catches others' attention. Have I your approval, then? In a futile attempt at flattery, I present to you my first introductory thread. I have always refrained from introductions, as I believe that welcoming can be done in posts. Waste of time, these. Now, aren't you pleased? You all bear sight to my _first_ introductory thread.

Paranoia and jokes set aside, I am 13-years-old. Gender will be left undefined, as I feel androgynous. Oh, screw it. I am biologically a female, there you have it. I identify with most of Schizoid personality disorder, but I would be hesitant to claim the label. Self-diagnosing is more often than not off. I will not go into depth on that, as this is not exactly the correct forum for it. If any of you wish for me to elaborate on it, I may. As for depersonalization/derealization, I am usually in a constant state of mild detachment. It fluctuates every so often, occasionally becoming full-blown. I lack emotion, but there is not an absence of it. It's there, albeit in small proportions and maybe even constrained.

Nothing tragic in my life, no tales of woe and calamity here. Sorry, I am not a very interesting persona. Would go on more, but alas, I am already weary of typing. I am usually brief, and I consider this verbose.

I suppose the appropriate thing to do would be to ask if you have any questions. Any questions?


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

Whoa, and already someone is viewing this topic. I feel like I am being thoroughly examined...


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Hahaha, I couldn't resist







. For a young person you seem to be very articulate in your writing. I wouldn't worry too much about these detached feelings if they weren't drug or anxiety induced. Maybe it's just utter boredom that you feel most of the time. Try not to spend too much time on the computer and watch the junk food. Take up sports and stuff. You'll be fine.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

flat said:


> Maybe it's just utter boredom that you feel most of the time.


Boredom, yes, but it goes beyond that. Anhedonia. It never does cease.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

A quote from a user on another forum that I frequent, a brief overview of the depersonalization that I experience. Ragdoll summarized it nicely.



Ragdoll said:


> The difference between internal world and external world is stark to introverts, who are most comfortable in themselves. I think, to hazard a guess, that schizoids experience internal and external as similar places, something to do with a constant low-level depersonalization happening. Stress, hazard, pleasure or interest, are not sourced exclusively inside or outside. The conditions that make it in my own head are no different from any other experience, only budging as far as depersonalization permits. But what creates a personality that experiences an internal self as alien as the external world?


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## Guest (Apr 25, 2011)

Maybe you should die


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

I think she's dying of laughter from that remark. I know I am.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

whatsmyname said:


> Maybe you should die


All I have ever offered you was tender love. Why do you deny me, why do you reject me so? Your words sting me, icicles penetrating my backside. I am not dying from laughter, no, I am dying from your repudiation.


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## Felicity (Feb 7, 2011)

Welcome, miss biologically female 13 year old persona by the name of lolita, the only question I have for you is this: Why do you believe this detachment you feel is atypical?


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

Felicity said:


> Welcome, miss biologically female 13 year old persona by the name of lolita, the only question I have for you is this: Why do you believe this detachment you feel is atypical?


Ahaha, "lolita". I love this username, it is just blatant irony. Already someone has scolded me for it. Blither and flippant, you'll have to excuse me for my utter lack of compliance with social norms.

It cannot be normal to go through life unmoved and unaffected, nearing emotionless. At least, I would like to think that this state I am in is abnormal. Sometimes I feel so dull emotionally that my own thoughts seem to be affected; so blank emotionally that slowly a lacuna forms in my mind. Thought processing is disrupted, I find it difficult to form any thoughts. Absolute nonchalance, so much so that I cannot form any opinions on anything. I feel that perhaps the reason I cannot connect with others is because I cannot connect with myself. Sounds plausible, in theory. Or, maybe the reason I cannot "connect" with others is because I spend my time fretting over how I can't. Can't do it, not with such an outlook.

Most other children my age are alien to me. Surreal beings. I do not understand them, and I do not think that I ever will.

Giving it a second thought, I think that I am far more emotive than I give myself credit for. Maybe I depersonalize myself, in that sense. There is a word that I am looking for which described me well. Cannot recall what it was. It meant "slow to affect", or something of that sort. That would accurately portray my affective stance. You would have to smite me firmly, you would have to inflict a severe blow to the head to rupture me. I am not one to react immediately, but over time my feelings do pile up. Given time, they will topple. Just a matter of time.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Interesting. How are your powers of concentration? Can you read well enough to follow a plot? Or get involved with the plot's characters? And watching a movie. Do you feel all the appropiate feelings of a drama, tradegy, or exhilarating action movie? How about your academia skills? Good at math? I know you already excell at english lol.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

flat said:


> Interesting. How are your powers of concentration? Can you read well enough to follow a plot? Or get involved with the plot's characters? And watching a movie. Do you feel all the appropiate feelings of a drama, tradegy, or exhilarating action movie? How about your academia skills? Good at math? I know you already excell at english lol.


I can follow a plot, but involving myself with the characters is strenuous, it requires effort. If I can already relate with the characters then the tension is slightly mollified, conceiving is far easier. A book must be exceptionally emotive to affect me. I do enjoy a good drama, but it is hard to come by one that moves me. Average at Mathematics, I don't particularly like it. I can concentrate on whatever interests me, but I seldom find such things.

Please pardon me for this brief reply, I am feeling empty at the moment. Devoid of sensation, devoid of thought. Void. This reply is lacking of substance...


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Mmmm, no, it was a pretty normal reply. How about animals? Do you have any favourite pets? If you don't have one try getting one. Dp or no dp, cats have always elicited joyful feelings of affection for me.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

flat said:


> Mmmm, no, it was a pretty normal reply. How about animals? Do you have any favourite pets? If you don't have one try getting one. Dp or no dp, cats have always elicited joyful feelings of affection for me.


I have a dog, and I like capybaras. That's about it.


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

ca...capybaras????


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

flat said:


> ca...capybaras????


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## flat (Jun 18, 2006)

Yes I knew what it was. Thanks for the picture. It's...it's just that I find a giant gopher to be a slightly unusal pet. This really complicates matters.


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## LOLiTA (Apr 24, 2011)

flat said:


> Yes I knew what it was. Thanks for the picture. It's...it's just that I find a giant gopher to be a slightly unusal pet. This really complicates matters.


I don't have one, no, but capybaras are love. Just thought you all should know.


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