# "just keep swimming"



## Strangerdanger (Oct 3, 2010)

Tonight was my older brothers wedding. I was completely depersonalized the whole time which is a completely awful thing to experience I wish so badly I could have been there completely but I did the best I could. Nobody knows that i have this condition, I wonder what they think the hell is wrong with me then because I sure as hell know I don't seem like a normal happy 20 year old. I didnt at all want to be having my picture taken and being all slmiles alll day but of course I did because it's family and a very important occasion. I was mostly numb and party miserable the whole time but I kept a straight face the whole time. It's like playing poker, you don't let them know the cards you've been delt you let them think you have a full house. I kept it cool. Finally it was the rehearsal and what do you know they are serving free beer. They have a dance floor and a freaking awesome dj. I am not really good friends with anyone there and my sister hates me these days but I had a few beers and danced the night away! I had no boyfriend to impress not really any friends to care what they thought of me but i kind of knew a few people and I let loose! I was a horrible dancer but I just could not stop. People knew how bad I was but they didn't care I think it made them more comfortable to dance seeing how bad and free I was on the dance floor. I'm just saying, freaking DP sucks. I was hardly there for my own brothers wedding, but i was aware enough to see the beauty and to even shed a few tears. I was completely anxious and awkward but after a few drinks I just let loose and had one of the greatest nights of my life. I didn't need anyone to coax me through it. It was me. and I was brave. and I was a horrible dancer. No one knows what I suffer through. They know how bad I am at dancing and that is enough. One good night out of a hundred bad is enough. I love my new sister and My amazing brother. even though I feel like the freakin outcast sister I know someday it wont be like that and I will treasure this night the rest of my life. It is hard but there are good moments throughout this suffering. I don't have any support system and I still find joy occasionally. And it can only get better.


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## insaticiable (Feb 23, 2010)

Good for you, girl! I really enjoyed reading that


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## Kitr (Jul 7, 2009)

Do you feel any pressure in chest (anxiety,fear)?


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## Deleted Account (Jul 26, 2010)

Very nice, I need to learn to let loose too! Your awesome! hang in there


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## Patatat (Jan 1, 2011)

ALCOHOL.

Have you ever considered telling a close friend about your condition? I am suffering from DP and I've told a few close friends. My main concern was that people would treat me differently. i think that it would be a healthy decision to tell someone about DP so they can sortof nurse you through it; talk to them when you are troubled. It can be pretty difficult to talk about it; sometimes it's almost as if it pains me to talk.

If you're having trouble talking about it with your friend I would suggest showing them youtube videos of people who have recovered from DP. In the videos they have trouble explaining how they felt b/c the whole thing is really nonsensical.
You may already know this.. and I'm beginning to ramble...


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## Patatat (Jan 1, 2011)

posted the same comment 4 times.
deleted


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## Patatat (Jan 1, 2011)

posted the same comment 4 times.
deleted


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## Patatat (Jan 1, 2011)

posted the same comment 4 times.
deleted


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## Strangerdanger (Oct 3, 2010)

Patatat said:


> ALCOHOL.
> 
> Have you ever considered telling a close friend about your condition? I am suffering from DP and I've told a few close friends. My main concern was that people would treat me differently. i think that it would be a healthy decision to tell someone about DP so they can sortof nurse you through it; talk to them when you are troubled. It can be pretty difficult to talk about it; sometimes it's almost as if it pains me to talk.
> 
> ...


I unfortunately am no longer close with any of my friends I was a really bad about avoiding people and anything social at the beginning of my DP and my depression had me convinced nobody liked me so what's the point. I think I have kind of ruined those relationships. I want to tell my family but am not sure how to. It is extremely hard to talk about sometimes I try to but it sounds stupid and unconvincing coming out of my mouth. I do think it could help though. I might try to write a letter so I could read it instead of trying to freeball it.


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## Psychedelic cow-punk (May 8, 2010)

You and your bad dancing are an inspiration to me.


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## Patatat (Jan 1, 2011)

Strangerdanger said:


> I unfortunately am no longer close with any of my friends I was a really bad about avoiding people and anything social at the beginning of my DP and my depression had me convinced nobody liked me so what's the point. I think I have kind of ruined those relationships. I want to tell my family but am not sure how to. It is extremely hard to talk about sometimes I try to but it sounds stupid and unconvincing coming out of my mouth. I do think it could help though. I might try to write a letter so I could read it instead of trying to freeball it.


Has the relationship diminished with your friends because of something you said to them or just out of avoidance


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## Strangerdanger (Oct 3, 2010)

Psychedelic cow-punk said:


> You and your bad dancing are an inspiration to me.


hah thank you I'm just glad I couldnt actually see how bad I was, I hope nobody was secretly filming it


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## Strangerdanger (Oct 3, 2010)

Patatat said:


> Has the relationship diminished with your friends because of something you said to them or just out of avoidance


from avoidance and depression mostly. I think I could work things out I'm just not the same anymore I used to have friends because of my sense of humor and making people laugh and being the outgoing one! I can't be any of those things anymore!


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## dpsince2002 (Oct 26, 2008)

I can relate. I went to a friend's wedding maybe 5 months after my dp started, and felt so completely like I wasn't there that it was almost unbearable; I was dancing, watching the ceremony, and talking to people, but it was that dp feeling of watching my body talk and move around without any sense of connection with it or the world it was in. I can kind of remember the wedding, pieces of it, fondly, and like to think the experiences I have during dp get stored somewhere, so I can live them when I'm reliving them.


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