# I feel well



## ezp123 (Jun 4, 2015)

I suppose I'm here to say I've recovered.

It baffles me that our minds are capable of inducing the kind of hell that is DP/DR. But, then again, the mind is capable of taking man to the moon and creating nuclear bombs, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised at how temperamental an organ it is. There was a point that I couldn't imagine writing this because of how my DP/DR came about, but this is an indication that I'm addressing the primary issue, which is the anxiety disorder. My DP/DR was brought on by prolonged stress due to a severe episode of sexual orientation OCD. I guess I became a bit too focused on my thoughts and (as others on this forum suggest) tired out my physical brain. I'm fortunate in that my experience with this temporary condition lasted only 2-3 months. And, it started the week after I graduated college (May 2015), which meant my responsibilities were very few. I think this added detail, not having responsibilities, was a double-edged sword, but in the end I used the time well. I say this because not having any real responsibilities led me naturally to scour the internet for my affliction and its cure.

Like everyone here, I let the first month of the experience govern how I felt. My phone became the devil since all I could do was fret over my problem. I adopted that fatalistic attitude that commonly follows a bodily ailment that cannot be explained. In other words and like many here, I thought I was permanently stuck in the limbo that is DP/DR forever. This behavior, though, as many here will attest to, was exactly the behavior that was keeping me stuck in the condition. It became an obsession; it was self perpetuating. Reflecting on it now, I realized that a lot of what helped me was doing exactly what therapists and CBT suggests you do to combat OCD, which is allow the thoughts and fears to exist, refrain from a compulsion (in this case to check the internet for the prognosis of DP/DR), and wait for the anxiety to subside. In that sense you're allowing habituation happen.

On to what I did to fix it. Again, I consider myself fortunate that I had the tools to expedite my recovery. A lot of what I was reading on this forum and elsewhere was that I needed to stop bombarding myself with worry and get on with my life. I'm not much of a wallower, so despite how I felt I kept on moving. I don't remember where I read it exactly, but one poster somewhere indicated she had overcome and recovered from DP/DR during a trip in Europe. What I drew from what she was saying was that she threw herself into a situation that meant she had to direct her attention to what was going on around her. She spent money for a vacation, she was in a new place, spending time with her boyfriend; it would have been a shame if she'd just spent her time there searching the internet. And besides, she was still mobile and even though she felt a little disconnected, life was still happening around her. Anyway, she said she got over the condition in about 2 weeks. I guess I can say now that I owe my recovery to her post.

A few weeks after I began feeling DP/DRed, my mother asked me if I wanted to attend a service project in Paraguay. I was reluctant because it was going to cost me about $1400 and I was obviously feeling awful (she was aware of what I was experiencing) but in the end I decided that I wasn't doing myself any favors staying home wallowing in my despair and I was encouraged by the girls post about traveling abroad and recovering. Besides, I needed to do something in the interim between graduation and finding a full-time job. Most importantly, though, I had been on these kinds of projects before and I knew that I would be involved in the very things that made me feel so weird, i.e., I would HAVE to socialize with other participants coming from other countries and participate in the planned activities despite my desire to worry and avoid human contact. So, I went to Paraguay. Honestly, it was pretty disappointing because the experience is a blur as a whole but it helped. I was meeting people from many different countries and pretending like everything was okay. But, every night I was extremely irritable, snapping at my mother for not understanding what I was experiencing and just being pretty negative. Thankfully, things started to slowly improve. Oh, and also very important, there was barely any internet connection because, well, I was in a 3rd world country living with indigenous people. And I'd say it was because of this that I started to improve. I had no choice but to participate. We were flown into the middle of the country and there we were involved in painting schools for children, chopping down large patches of trees/brush to make space for farming, and farming potatoes.

That's the super abridged version. I've condensed my experience but the point I want to get across is that it was redirecting my attention outside of myself and towards activities and people that I began improving.

Like others on this forum will tell you, recovery is not instantaneous. I knew things were getting better when the DR started to let up and I didn't feel so alien towards myself and the people around me. My personality started to break through and that only encouraged me to keep it up. I did have my hesitations even when things were improving, but once the improvements started showing up, I got the momentum necessary to keep myself calm. I basically adopted the whatever happens happens attitude. The day that I landed in the US, after 4 weeks in Paraguay, I was feeling fairly normal. I spent a week at home and had arranged to go to Las Vegas the week after that. I'd like to note that I was still feeling slightly DP/DRed but just like Paraguay, I focused on the fact that I was in Nevada/Las Vegas for the first time. I went swimming daily, visited the strip several times, and went to Mt. Zion and Bryce's Canyon. When I got back from Las Vegas, I was feeling almost perfect. That was 3-4 weeks ago.

I guess to sum it up, I think for those who are fairly certain DP/DR is anxiety induced, address your anxiety. Try to remember what it was like before you started feeling this way. Were you checking the internet every day or WORRYING (since that is clearly what it is)? Probably not. So stop worrying about it. I know, easier said than done, but it's likely what is causing your problems. Also, try to consider the benefit of worrying. As I said, it won't do anything for you, so why not try the opposite and get involved with another activity. I've found that the major difference in my days now is the calm I feel. No brain fog, just clarity of mind. Logically, I see the calm as my release from anxiety or worry.

I'd like to mention that my breakthrough came as a result of reading "At Last a Life" by Paul David in conjunction with getting involved with reality. I had my kindle with me throughout my time in Paraguay and when I had any urges to search the internet or fear that I was stuck with DP/DR I would open up the Depersonalization chapter to reassure myself. That way, if I needed to reassure myself, I was reading something that was uplifting and that would calm me. Also, the portions I read only took a few minutes of my time so I would read them and get on with whatever activities were planned for the day.

Lastly, during the times that I was recovering it occurred to me that searching the internet for people who experience DP and just about DP in general was very counterproductive. Yes, beating a dead cow, but I mean, if after my self diagnosis I searched google for JUST ways to overcome it, I probably would have saved myself a lot of time and mental agony. But, thus is the nature of masochistic man, I guess.

Keep in mind, when you do feel recovered, the experience is one that you can remember as being pretty awful but recovery usually means the fear is gone and your day moves on. I do think about depersonalization and whether it'll come back but I'm able to dispel the thoughts and fear because I feel normal. I expect that with time and continued recovery I will experience a kind of renormalization or reintegration, that will make thinking about depersonalization and my experience more tolerable. And, I suppose if it does come back I'll know how to address it. For the time being, I'm appreciating the sense of serenity. I feel well.


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## PeterMe93 (Oct 2, 2015)

Thanks for your post, helpful and informative.


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## illmatic (Apr 16, 2016)

Great recovery thread. Thanks for bumping it


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## yoloking123 (Jul 6, 2016)

This is a great post.


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## mana_war (Jul 3, 2014)

At Last a Life: http://b-ok.xyz/book/2663890/6a738b

for anyone curious...its a great book


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